"ADMISSION" "An admissions officer must have a strong constitution... to be on the receiving end of... ..-an entire nation's application panic." "To endure the frustration and anger of all the so-called millennial parents, who just realized..." " Come on, hurry up!" " God, mom, relax." "There isn't room for every perfectly nurtured, organically fed, well-tutored offspring." "OK, I'm your tour guide." "There's no point in trying to impress me." "I have absolutely no power over your fate here." "The people with the power are right in there." "The Admissions officers." "And no, that sign is not an omen." "Except for some of you." "Almost all of you, actually." "We had twenty six thousand, two hundred and forty one applications last year." "One thousand, three hundred and eight of those applicants... are attending school here." "James, tours leave at 9:15." "It is 9:25." "Sorry, I thought I'd wait." "We had a late arrival." "I'm sorry, our GPS lied." "No worries, Mrs Lafont." "Welcome to Princeton." "So what's the secret to getting in?" "The secret." "Just be yourself." "If this is the right place for you, then this is where you'll end up." " James?" " Ok, let's go see Princeton." "We're going to play a fun game." "It's called spot the Nobel Prize winner." "What's the secret to getting in?" "There has to be one, right?" "Well, there is." "But I can't tell you." "Not yet." "What I can tell you is everyone thinks we're sadists." "That we like saying no." "This is not true." " No." " Portia." "No no no." "You're second reader on my territory this season." "Yes, I know." "As are you on mine." "That's the way it works." "I'll just wail until you catch up with me." "We are in this job for one reason." " Hello?" " Is this Portia Nathan?" "To say." "Yes." "Wow, I didn't think I'd gel you." "It's John Pressman from the New Quest School in Keene, New Hampshire." "OK." "Yeah, I sent you a few e-mails and left a couple messages." "Listen, thank you for calling." "Can you please e-mail me your information and I will call you back?" "Hey, not so rough." "How'd you like to have your udder yanked like that?" " Excuse me?" " Sorry, I was just talking to a student." "People, everyone, please." "I have a couple of announcements." "There is an announcement." "Portia, we're a new developmental school... and we have our first graduating class this year." "I know you're going to be making your school visits in the next few weeks." "I'd like for you to visit our campus." "Our kids would gain a lot from it and I think you would too." "Right, I will look into it." "Gotta go." "You know, I went to Dartmouth, same time as you." "Bye." "Thank you for calling." "So we're breaking records in application numbers, naturally because we've been number one for so long." "Number one until today." "Princeton has just fallen to number two." "What this means is that we all have to work harder than ever because I want to go out on top." "Yes, you see the rumors are true." "I've decided to retire." "And pass the baton to a worthy successor." "I'm spending an extra four days in the Andover-Hotchkiss triangle." "And I've added five full days to the San Francisco Bay Area and Northern California." "And I've added a number of new schools." "In fact, I was just talking to the co-founder of Quest.-." "...a developmental high school with their first year of college applicants." "Clarence, we're going to be back on lop." "We're going to make that happen." "By working together." "Right, Portia?" "Absolutely." "As a mother myself, I know the importance of teamwork." "And I am not a mother, but I know the importance of it loo." "Can't go it alone." "Good." "Because you two are my superstars and nothing would make me happier than if one of you... .-.were to have this office next year-." "OK." "Class of 2016." "Pediatric surgery best combines my love of children of science, and my desire to give back to my community." "Yes, but you didn't challenge yourself academically." "B's in Physics and you didn't take AP Chem." "UNLIKELY" "Princeton's awesome." "Since 1841, every male in my family has attended the place." "Student Body President." "And gymnastics national champion." "Educated family." "Privileged upbringing." "Unfair advantage?" "2400 on the SAT. 4.5 GPA." "And my poetry, written in my mother's psych ward will be published by Knopf." "And my father is Cuban." "And in a wheelchair." " Can I gel some advice?" " No." "Applicalus interruptus." "You know the rule." "Never start a folder if you can't finish it." "I have to start over anyway." "OK." "This kid from Alaska, Aput Kunayak." "High grades, but low scores." "President of ten clubs, but that might be because of his ADD." "We want to accept people who will succeed here." "You know, I once fought for a bipolar Inuit girl and she lasted nineteen days." " Do you think he might fail?" " Maybe." "I like him." "It's so hard." "You can't take it so personally." "You have to toughen up or you won't last here either." "Now outsies." "I'm swamped." "Portia?" "I hope it's you." "Thank you." "Back to work." "Portia!" "Hello?" "Portia?" "Portia?" "Portia..." "I'm so sorry, I've got an emergency." "Can you just watch the kids while I run to the vet?" "Because Richard's at his Faulkner seminar." "Me?" "Well, Mark should have been home twenty minutes ago, and it's our poetry night, and really, I'm the last person you want watching your kids." "Quiet!" " Did someone die?" " Rachael's dog is sick." "She begged me." "Good times." " I've got essays to grade." " No." "It's OK." "Mommy's here." "What did you do to them?" "Rachael, you know Portia's not good with kids." "It's not her fault." "Kids just don't take to some people." "I don't know what you were thinking." "Sorry, he's right." "They're like pit bulls." "They can smell fear." "Good night." "Take them all." "You know, if I gel Clarence's job, this will be my last travel season." "Lovely and wonderful." "I've got everything planned out." "I'll be back in time for the department lunch." "And I've ordered everything, you just need to pick up the chicken and I will stop and get the famous bean salad on my way home." "The famous bean salad." "Is that horrible Woolf woman going to be there?" "Helen is the preeminent Virginia Woolf scholar." "It was quite a coup to get her from Cambridge." "But I think she has other plans." "Lovely and wonderful." "I like this life." " I do, I do." " Good." "So do I." "It's so wonderfully simple." "Well, we're simple folk." "Woof!" "Excuse me?" "You just patted me on the head like a dog." "Did I?" "Good doggie." "Hi." "Thank you so much for coming." "My pleasure." "We love Deerfield students." "I'm so pleased." "Good." " Can I help you bring in your things?" " Yes, please." "Princeton." "In the nation's service and in the service of all nations." "So, you all want to know the secret formula for getting in, right?" "Take out your pens." "Write this down." "There is no secret formula." "Left on Pony Run Drive." "But I will tell you what not to do." "No champagne, no baked goods, and when you phone, it is noted in your file." "So put the reins on those eager parents of yours." "We're looking for passion." "Whatever it's for, doesn't matter." "Passion." "Right on Shady Lane." "Does that mean every Princeton undergraduate is a genius or a prodigy?" "Absolutely not." "Although we certainly wouldn't hold it against you." "Almost enough for everybody." "Recalcu Eating." "Recalculating." "Recalculating-." "Make a U turn as soon as possible." "The New Quest School" "No Service" "HEY" "Hi." "Portia Nathan, Princeton Admissions office." "I know." "I'm John." "Yes, and you said you went to Dartmouth?" "Yeah, and my dad, and his dad, and his dad." "A legacy" "A legacy of what, I'm not really sure." "So you're chopping some wood here?" "I'm showing them how to build a sustainable irrigation system." "This is my third world development class." "Well, nice axe." "Great axe." " So let's gel to it." " Yeah." "Hi there." "You all want to know the secret formula for getting in, right?" "Well, take out your pens." "Take them out." "Yes?" "I'll tell you what I'd like to know." "Why should I apply to an elitist institution... .-.with a history of anti-black, anti-gay, and anti-female oppression?" "Well, actually, I reject that stereotype" "Speaking of rejection, don't you reject 99.9 percent of your applicants?" "And don't you just want to drum up applications to keep your number one position... on U.S. News and World Report?" "Well actually, I think it's number two this year, right?" " Yes, but" " No, I'm sure it's an aberration." "Don't people just need a college degree if you want lo pursue... the societally approved definition of success?" "Yeah, wouldn't you be better off sitting in your room reading books... instead of spending all that money?" "I'm sorry, _ are you a senior?" "No, I'm in sixth grade." "Yeah, Portia, this is my son, Nelson." "I'm adopted." "I was born in Uganda." " Love you, buddy." " OK, dad." "I thought it would be educational for him to sit in on this." "How's it going so far?" "Are you learning a lot?" "Kind of." "Half and half." " Well there you go." " OK." "Right." "Well, Nelson, sure... sitting in a room and reading books would be very cost effective, but" "Princeton is a corporation." "No different than an oil company." "We should be educating ourselves to be citizens of the world... and not of some guarded suburban enclave." "What we want is to leave the planet better than we found it." "OK." "Well." "Good luck with that." "Wail, wait." "I want to hear about Princeton, please." "OK, fine." "But first, I have a question for all of you." "Just how will you leave the planet better?" "Will you eradicate disease?" "You're going to need a medical degree." "If you want to create new drug therapies, that's a PhD." "Do you want to defend the innocent and secure justice for all?" "I regret to inform you that you will have to go to law school." "There are plenty of college graduates out there ardently hoping to leave the world better than they found it." "We are looking for those people!" "Students with blazing minds and hearts who will change the goddamn world!" "All right, Portia." "Well done!" "I bet you guys feel like bunch of assholes." "Sorry, I probably should have warned you." "Sorry, I probably should have warned you." "We tend to encourage that sort of spirited debate here." "But you did well." "You can hit a curveball." "You know, I'd really like to introduce you to somebody." "This is Jeremiah Balakian." "He's a very special student." "My parents work in a mini-mart." "They're not very educated." "Do you think that matters?" "Of course not." "It's your application." "Maybe I should apply then." "Princeton seems like a cool place." "It's very cool." "So you're saying I should apply?" "You know, I'm not really your typical student." "My brain sort of goes on a little Walkabout, you know?" "Yes, you should apply." "And if you would like to visit the campus we can match you up with an undergrad and you can spend the night in his room." "That sounds great." "Then you could hang out and gel to know each other." "Well, I don't really hang out with the applicants." " That's not how it works." " Right." "Because there's over twenty thousand of them." "Exactly." "Still, I think you should gel to know this one." "So, Portia, like the Merchant of Venice?" "Yes." "My mother thought if she named me that I would grow up to be wise." "I'm lucky she didn't name me Athena." "Or Minerva." "Or Sophie." "Except a lot of people are named Sophie." "They probably don't even know what their name means." "Or Metis." "That would be really strange." "Or if your name was Aushenaya or lﬂok or Saraswati." "I think you got lucky." "If you had to be called something that stands for wisdom." "Well, thanks for this." "I have to go." "I have robotics class." " Interesting kid." " He's a great kid." "He's become like part of my family." "I met him at a garage sale." "He was reading a law encyclopedia." "We went and had coffee and talked for five hours." "He's a prodigy." "Well, be sure to include all of that in your recommendation." "Bye." "So how long have you been at Princeton?" "Since college." "Sixteen years." "Wow, that's a long time to stay in one place." "Are you married?" "No I live with someone." " Chair of the English Department." " Kids?" "Thousands." "Can you get these cows out of the way?" "I doubt it." "They're enormous." "That one's pregnant." "Where do you stay while you're here?" "My morn lives about ten miles away." "Mom?" "It's me." "Who?" "How many people call you morn?" "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" "I left a message." "I was visiting a school nearby." "K never check my messages." "That's a good policy." "Thought Yd spend the night if it's a" right with you." "I've got to gel up very early, and then hit a few schools and race back for Mark's department lunch." "How can you stand those English Department gatherings?" "What could be more dull?" "Sometimes you make sacrifices for the person you've been living with for ten years." "That's what a healthy relationship is." "Thank god I'm not in one of those." "Yes." "Thank god." "If I had to do what I was supposed to be doing every minute of my life, like you do I'd kill myself." "Did you just say if you were me you would kill yourself?" "Portia, don't' exaggerate." "I'm working on my bike." "You know, they actually have stores where you can buy bikes already made." "And did you know that women are the only exploited group in history to have been idealized into powerlessness." " Erica Jung." " Erica long." "Hey pups!" "Hey!" "Hi Gloria!" "Hi Betty!" "Hi!" "Whoa, you're so skinny." "Come on, let's gel you something to eat." "No, no." "They're not skinny, they're lean." "Dogs are too dependent on humans." "I'm not their slave." "They can gel their own damn food." " From where?" " Outside." "Gophers, squirrels..." " ..-neighbor's cat." " An unattended baby?" "They're carnivores." "They're meant to be hunters." "Here, hand me that chain break." "Mom, you look... bigger." "These?" "Fake." "Fake?" "You mean you had a boob job?" "No, I had a mastectomy." "These are prosthetic." "I was wondering, you know, women who have really big breasts," "I'd like to see what that's like and I'll tell you, they get so in the way, it's unbelievable." "I'm thinking of trading them in for a mid-size." "When?" "When did you have a mastectomy?" "I don't know." "Five weeks ago or so." "Who keeps track?" "They found a lump." "It was aggressive." "Hadn't spread yet." "I'm aggressive too, so I said "what the hell, why push my luck?" "Take them both."" "Why didn't you tell me?" "I am telling you." "Now." "Well I would have driven you to the hospital." "Portia..." "I cabbed it." "I'm OK." "You know, I'm thinking you should... .-.start calling me Susannah." "I think this could help us avoid all this mother-daughter role playing crap that you can't seem to shake." "You're welcome to stay... but there's not much for supper unless you want to go pick some kale." "I'm remodeling your old room." "That's good." "I'm going to make a tea kettle." "Come on, do it!" "Oh baby." " Portia Nathan." " John Pressman." "Hi." "Look, I wanted to see if you wanted to maybe get a drink or a bite to eat or something?" "Maybe talk about the application process, since we're new to it?" " I can swing by and pick you up." " I guess I could eat." "The parents all think that their kids' acceptance... is the final referendum on their parenting skills which, hello, it's not about you." "As far as I can tell, parents exist just to drive their kids insane." "Of course, what the hell do I know, really?" "Why, were you raised by wolves?" "Wolf." "Singular." " One wolf." " One wolf." "And you never wanted kids?" "I love that question." "It seemed unfair to subject anyone to the miserable experience I had." "Why would you?" "There's no way in hell I would raise Nelson the way I was raised." "Why not?" "Because I was raised by sheep." "So..." "Uganda." "I was working there and Nelson's morn was a friend." "And she died in a car crash." "Along with his uncle." "Nelson was two." "So you adopted him." "Seemed like the only thing to do." "All my friends thought for sure that I'd bail." "That I was not ready to be a father, but..." " ...screw that." " Right." "Screw that." "Nelson loves traveling." "He loves it." "We've lived in Indonesia." "We built a water purification system in Myanmar." "I'm sorry, so you're just this single dad traveling the world with his kid, doing good?" "Well, when you put it like that it just sounds so appealing." "But I have that on a t-shirt, actually." "'Single dad, traveling the world with his kid, doing good"" "You can borrow it some day if you like." "I'm not sure people would believe it on me." "Anyway, it's the best thing I ever did adopting a kid." "It's getting late." "Excuse me?" "Oh no, I can't do that, actually." "I can't accept gifts." "Excuse me?" "Princeton wants to buy me a chicken sandwich." "Thank you so much." "Portia, there's something I want to ask you and I know this is all a bit abrupt." "Yes?" "Do you think you have room for one more in your life?" "One more what?" "One more person." "Oh John, that's so sweet." "But you seem like a great guy too." "And you can handle an axe and you know, you have a very nice nose and your face, but I have a long-term boyfriend." "Long, long, long-term." "And you know, we are happy." "We're very happy." "We're so... happy" "Wow, happy is one of those words that if you say it a lot, it loses its meaning." "Like "fork."" "Fork." "Fork." "Fork." "Fork." "Happv" " Happy- Happy" " Hapw" "Happy." "Fork." "It's not..." "Portia, what I mean" "No, goodbye." "Thank you." "This was so much better than kale." "OK." "I'm sorry." "I was going for the cheek." "Yeah!" "That's OK." "OK, well, nice catching up and best of luck with the application process." "Here is my card." "I have your card." " I gave you my card?" " Yeah." "That's great." "Then you have my card" "Oh my god." "Sorry, it was there, you know?" "You just..." "What are you going to do?" " Look, the reason that I'm " " You look!" "I am an admissions officer and you run a school and I live with someone." and I've had a really long day... and I'm exhausted and this never happened, do you understand?" "Portia, no." "Portia, look, I asked you here for a reason." "And it wasn't to kiss you." "Please communicate with my associate Ben in the future." "Portia, wait!" "Wait, it's just..." "I think.-." "I think maybe Jeremiah's your son." "What?" "Jeremiah." "I think maybe he's your son." "Are you out of your fucking mind?" "All right." "Let me rewind." "At Dartmouth, I was friends with Shelley" "I don't know what you're talking about and you need to leave." " Now." " Portia, wait" " Jesus!" " She said leave her alone!" "What the hell!" "Morn, put the gun down!" "No means no, asshole." "I have got this under control." "Go inside!" "You don't have shit under control." "You never have." "Screw you, mom." "I do so have my life under control!" "You could have been somebody, goddamn it!" "You could have been a trailblazer!" "Right, like you?" "Holed up here like some crazy old witch?" "You know what?" "I'm just going to get into my car, very slowly and let you two chat." " Portia, I'll call you." " Please don't-." "Well you're not very good at returning e-mails." " You all right?" " Fine." "Watch where you're waving that thing." "Your breasts are sliding off." "Hi everyone." "Just back from a boring recruitment trip." "Uneventful." "There she is." "So, have you found the finest young minds in the nation for us?" "I'm trying!" "Course she has, she's our golden retriever." "I love this." "I love this bean salad." "It's just so beans and vinaigrette." " So simple, but it just works." " Yeah, beans." "Oh, hello Helen." "So glad you could make it after all-." "And I can guarantee personally that next year all your Virginia Woolf seminars... will be filled with superhumans." "I'll never really understand your admissions system in America." "Because we just do tests." "You know, we don't really care about your childhood or your recent conversion to Buddhism." "Gray matter, that's what counts." "Helen, would you mind putting the bread on the table?" "Thank you so much." "I just..." "I want you to know that this us, this life, it's everything I've always wanted." "Helen, back so soon." "Could you put the salad on?" "What's she got against bean salad?" "Portia, we need to talk." "I can't do this anymore." "I'm sorry." "Oh god, I hate these lunches too." "No, this." "Us." "Is that Helen?" "That's weird." "Portia, I'm having twins." " What are you talking about?" " Twins." "Twins, I'm having twins." "You're talking like a crazy person." "Helen is having twins." "My twins." "I'm leaving you." "I'm sorry, you had sex with that woman?" "A bit." "You had unprotected sex with that vile Virginia Woolf scholar?" "There's no need to make a scene." "I'm sorry." "You don't deserve this, you don't." "You're loyal and a good companion..." " Slop it with the dog stuff!" " What?" "I have to go." "Now." "No, you have to slay." "We have guests." "And, we are a family..-unit." "You didn't want a family." " Neither did you!" " No, that's true." "I really don't." "I can't stand babies." "They're repulsive." "Oh god, she's backing out now." "That's the chicken." "Would you mind, terribly, taking it out?" "Goodbye." "I kissed someone!" "Almost on purpose!" "Mark had an emergency." "A student was having a breakdown about Robert Frost." "Two roads diverging in a wood and which to lake." "So, who likes breasts?" "Mark loves breasts." "The more the merrier." "In fact, why don't I just put this aside for him for when he gets home?" "So who likes legs?" "Well, Mark likes legs." "Who likes assholes?" "I guess that's me." "Virginia Woolf was a twat." "Extremely overrated." "No Gertrude Stein." "I'll have a breast, please." "Oh god." "God dammit." "Dammit!" "Excuse me." "This is your mother?" "Yes." "I saw her lecture on Frida Kahlo in 1977." "She was extremely hot." "OK." "Is she well?" "Your mother?" "Yeah, she's fine." "Good." "Well, thank you for the party." "It was very pleasant." "Everyone is now leaving, OK." " I shall close this door behind?" " Yes." "I'll be right out." "Get to work." "I will always be there for you." "Nothing will ever change that." "Top of the morning, Clarence." "Morning." "If you want to take a couple personal days..." "Why would I?" "Everyone knows?" " About Mark, I mean." " Yes." "And that Woolf woman." "I'm very sorry about the timing of this bul I want you to know that I am here for you one thousand percent." "This is my life." "It's what I'm good at." "I know." "And please, rest assured, that nothing will affect my work." "Nothing." "Well that's great." "You just carry on." "And that was the famous Blair Arch." "Here comes one of our illustrious Admissions officers." "Clearly a very busy time for you all." "Any words of wisdom for hopefully future Princelonians?" " What?" " Words of wisdom?" "Just..." "gel those applications in and remember to be yourself, because who else could you be?" "That's... .-.that's who you're stuck with." "OK." "You got the idea." "Let's keep moving!" "Any budding astrophysicists in the crowd?" "Because I've got a treat for you next!" "Jeremiah, from Quest." "Hi." " You remember me?" " Yes." "I remember you." "I'm Nelson." "I remember you loo." "I'm John." "Turns out we had a chance to come down here today, visit the campus." "What a surprise." "It's awesome." "It's like, ancient." "I'm sorry, but what do you think that you're doing here?" "Jeremiah wanted to see the place." "And you and I should talk." "You are out of your mind." "I almost forgot to ask..." "Remember when you said I could spend the night with an undergrad?" "Is that still possible?" "OK." "Yes." "That's possible." "Just catch up with the tour and meet me back at Admissions." "What are you doing?" "You're not allowed in here!" "What happened the other night." "Nothing happened the other night." "Right." "It was nothing." "So don't let it get in the way of this." "This is Jeremiah's birth certificate." "I knew Shelley." "Your roommate at Dartmouth." "I had a car." "She borrowed it to pick you up after you had the baby." "Valentine's Day." "Shelley told me you had the baby at 1pm on Valentine's Day." "That stuck with me." "I hate Valentine's Day-." " It's a despicable holiday." " It sucks." "Here's the crazy part." "When Jeremiah applied to Quest, I saw this and put it together." "It says that he was born and given up for adoption on Valentine's Day... 1995, 1pm at Blaine Hospital." "I know you didn't ask for this." "And I'm not trying to ruin your life." "But I care about this kid... and I think he could use a little more connection in his life." "But I didn't tell him anything." "It's your decision-." "I'm just setting it up." "He has his parents." "He has you, right?" "Nelson?" "Yeah, his parents are great people." "But we're moving on... .-.Nelson and me." "Hey, maybe it was meant to be." "Nothing is meant to be." "And you don't just barrel into other people's lives like this." "This is bad form." " This is bad form." " Bad form." "I am not a project." "I am not some village in need of a water system." " Hi." " Hi." "John Pressman." "Quest School." "Clarence Hall, Dean of Admissions." "Princeton." " It's quite an operation you have here." " Thank you." "OK." "Well, Mr. Pressman was just leaving." "Right." "Of course." "It was nice to meet you." "Hey, I heard about you guys dropping to number two." "Sorry." "But number two is, you know, that's good..-too-." "Here's the information you wanted for your student... the undergrad he'll be spending the night with." "Thank you." "And here is the information you'll need on that student." "Ben, do you mind escorting Mr. Pressman out?" "And Mr. Pressman, in the future... e-mail is the appropriate form of communication." "Right." "Sorry." "Yeah." "E-mail." "Will do." "All right, see you." "You know, it's highly unusual it's actually unheard of, for a school director lo be back here." "I know." "I think we should hire a security guard to keep the crazies out because it is getting out of control." "New Hampshire Certificate of Live Birth" "CHILD'S NAME:" "DOE, JOHN" "MOTHER'S CURRENT LEGAL NAME DOE, JANE" "Yo, whassup?" " I beg your pardon?" " I'm looking for my roomie." " Can I help you?" " You're doing a great job." "So a zombie will move and talk as if it were awake and genuinely aware of its surroundings, but its inner light is off." "Right." "And if it is logically possible for a creature to have a brain just like yours and no conscious experience, then consciousness is not literally identical to brain activity." "Exactly!" "Exactly!" "Hi." "You are not a student." " What, you're trying to crash or something here?" " Yo, whassup?" "L..." "Hi!" "Hi everyone, I'm from Admissions and we like to come in and..- check on our overnight high school visitors." "So Jeremiah, are you warm enough?" "Do you have everything that you need?" "Do you need a Princeton sweatshirt... or did you remember to bring your toothbrush?" "I'm fine." "Thanks." "Good." "What is that?" " This is diet soda?" " Diet soda?" "Why diet?" " I just like the taste better." " So do I. That is...unbelievable." "I guess." "Just diet soda?" "No..." "Yeah." "It's just..." "Great." "Good." "Well gel back to your zombie talk." "OK." "Thank you." "Dude, what a cougar." "Shit." "Hi." "You don't happen to actually have an extra toothbrush on you, do you?" "On me?" "No." "No." "Why?" "You do need a toothbrush?" " Yeah." " OK." "Soft bristles, right?" "That's what kids - teenagers - your age are supposed to use, right?" "I think soft might be more for baby teeth." "I prefer to use just a medium." "Yup, don't listen to me." "You'd end up with a mouthful of cavities." "Hey, how about this rechargeable toothbrush?" "That looks pretty cool." "Yeah, I don't think I need that... as much as I do appreciate Thomas the Tank Engine." "I'm an idiot." "You just pick what you need." "Just..." "Ok then." "OK..." " Well I guess this is it." " Yeah." " Thanks." " Don't mention it." "Portia?" "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "I'm great." "What are you doing here?" "Well, we're just up the street." "She said she's fine." "Have you been drinking, Portia?" "A little bit." "You know me, I'm a lightweight." "Where are your glasses?" "I thought I'd give contacts a try." "Well, all right." "Good to see you." "Oh no." "That's harsh." "Yes." "Yes it is." " Portia Nathan here." " Susannah here." "Your mother." "Mom." "Mark called." "I know he never liked me... but he thought you might be in need of some comfort and guidance." "So, I think this is all a very good thing." "Getting left is a good thing?" "Really?" "I have to go." "Good, you're angry." "You need to express that." "Talk to me." "I'm here for you." "Sweetie." "Well, I actually feel really sad and" "And that is exactly why I knew that night on the train thirty seven years ago -the man reading "I'm OK, You're OK".-." "No, please, not the train story." "I knew I needed his sperm but I did not need him." "Hey!" "Watch yourself, asshole!" "Mom." "Susannah..." "I wanted a child but not some moody relationship." "Sex with a stranger on the New Jersey Transit was the answer to my problems." "It's not healthy to need other people too much." "Now you need to go out and fall in love with yourself." " Well I'm going to go do that." " You go, girl." "Yup." "Going to go buy a train ticket right now." "Please Do Not Disturb" "John, it's Portia again." "This is my eighth... no ninth message." "Please call me back." "It is very important that you not tell Jeremiah a thing about the thing." "The thing that we were talking about." "Not a word." "Call me back." "Maybe I got a glass eye, but it some from working in a factory at the age of eleven." "They hooked it out because they didn't have a shield on the works bul I wear it like a medal because it tells the world where I belong, deep down in the working class." "Yeah!" "Hey Princeton, what are you doing?" "Just observing the school so I can better evaluate applicants." "Cool." "I'm cutting class." "Cutting class is never a good idea." "I hate geography class." "I hate maps." "You hate maps?" "Why?" "Because you never know where you'll end up on them." "Not with my dad." "Well, I'm sure your dad has excellent reasons for living a rootless and impulsive life." "I thought you loved traveling." "I'm sick of traveling." "I love playing Bridge." "Besides, do they even play Bridge in Ecuador?" "No idea." " How long have you been at Princeton?" " Sixteen years, but" "Wow." "You totally rock." " Yeah, thanks." "Why is that?" " Because you're totally predictable." "So, can you tell me where I can find your dad?" "I've been trying to reach you." "I left you a million messages." "Yeah, well sorry, I'm a little busy." "What are you doing to that cow?" "The cow's in labor." "I'd shake your hand, but..." " Look, I never told a soul" " Stay back!" "This cow doesn't know you." "Actually, I think we met the last time I was here." "Do you even know whether Jeremiah wants to meet his birth mother'?" "He wrote an essay last year entitled..." ""Nature versus Nurture:" "I wonder who my birth parents are"" "Portia the Wise!" "Nelson told me you were here." "I just wanted to thank you so much!" "I had the best night of my life." "There is nothing I want more in life than to go to Princeton." "Nothing." "Is something wrong with that cow?" "Where's the goddamn vet!" "Well, I'm going to find my own way out." "Shit!" "This isn't right." "This isn't how it looks on the internet!" " OK, bye now." "Best of luck with all that." " Come back!" "Grab her head." "Calm her down." "No, you said stay back." "I changed my mind!" " She looks so mad." " Well she's probably protecting her young." "Hey there, little mama." "It's all going to be OK." "Just just focus on your breath." "Your terrible, terrible breath." "Think how lucky you are not to be on a beef ranch right now." "I'm sorry, that was inappropriate." "Where is the bull that did this to you?" "He's probably out partying with his friends." "She's clamping again!" "Jeremiah, get back here!" "Please!" "Fast!" "You are not alone." "You are not alone, OK mama?" "We're here with you." "You can do this." "Because it happens either way." "It happens either way." "All right, it's coming!" "Portia, gel back here, now!" "Horrible." "Grab a hoof, grab a hoof." "All right, I'm going to count to three." "One two, three, pull!" "It's gross!" "Boundaries!" "Did you not see my "Do Not Disturb" Sign?" "Yeah, I saw it." "But you're not the only one who reeks of cow placenta." "Why do you have "Do Not Disturb" signs with you?" "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe for times like these." "Here, try this soap." "Look, he's a great kid and you're clearly a great, mildly compulsive woman." "Take the leap!" "I'm sorry, who's mildly compulsive?" "Why do you run around fixing everyone else's life?" "What about yours?" "My life is fine, thank you very much." "It's frigging great." "Oh god, the water just turned to ice!" "Whoops, sorry." "Yeah, it's solar powered." "Bit finicky." "Jeremiah has to get his application in, pronto." "Work on his resume." "A unique talent that demonstrates passion and commitment would be good." "He has got to get going on his essay." "And you have to prepare him for an alumni interview." "You may have built schools in third world countries... and cleaned contaminated water from villages but you have never tried to get a kid into Princeton." " Neither have you." " I am not trying!" "I am an Admissions Officer." "I'm just helping you try." "As I would with any outstanding student who may have been overlooked." "There's nothing improper going on here." "I am going to exit the shower stall now." "OK." "Well I'm going to remain in the shower stall for approximately thirty seconds." "Fantastic." "HEY" "Yes?" "How can I help you?" "Do you think he has a shot?" "Send me his transcripts." "Nelson, take a corner kick." "Nelson, take a corner kick." "What was that?" "Do it again." "I'm not good at corner kicks." "Horseshit." "Put your heart into it-." "Hey, Portia- How you doing?" "This is, without a doubt, the worst transcript I have ever seen." "Switch." "Ds and Fs in ninth, tenth and eleventh grade?" "Suspensions, detentions, a Special Ed class?" "What the hell were you thinking?" "Did you read the rest of it?" "Why?" "Am I missing a police record?" "Come on, man!" "Quit half-assing it!" "Play like that, those Ecuadorian kids are going to eat you up." "An right." "Jeremiah got the top score on eight Advanced Placement tests without ever taking the Advanced Placement courses?" "And his SATs are almost perfect." " God, did he..." " Cheat?" "No." "I insisted he take those tests." "He's the most brilliant student I've come across." " Really?" " Switch!" "Regardless, kids like Jeremiah don't get into Princeton." "He's going to be up against kids that have resumes fifteen feet long." "So?" "Those kids are so burnt out already all they want to do is get stoned... and play frisbee for the rest of their lives." "Princeton would be damn lucky to have Jeremiah." "Hey, "Fulbol."" ""Futbol" - it's the world's sport, all right?" "Put some heart into it!" "Did you get that other thing I sent you?" " In the box?" " What?" "World's Greatest Mom" " Very funny." " Look, he wants this." "He really wants this." "And I think he would thrive there." "I can see it." "Look, I can't do anything that could get me into trouble." "But since you're new to the process, as a professional courtesy, I can send you books, resources, everything that one might need." "OK?" " Great." " Goodbye." "What the hell was that?" "I put my heart into it- "Futbol."" "I'll give you ten bucks if you can do it again." "They grow up so damn fast, don't they?" "Yeah." "Which one is yours?" "Yeah." "How to Talk So Teens WIN Listen" "With a megaphone." "Right?" "Exactly." "College Bound and Gagged" "Fat Envelope Frenzy" "Admission Matters" "OK, OK, I heard you." "Let me." "It lakes a village." "Get your hands off my baby!" " No, I'm just helping." " What are you doing?" "Everybody needs a little help." " What the hell." " I'm helping you." "Come on, come on." "Right now!" "I'm not a creep." "Balakian, Jeremiah" "When I was eight years old..." "I realized my teachers were not going to be able to teach me." "So I became an autodidact." "I read everything." "I read biographies... mainly because I didn't know how other people lived their lives." "I learned several years ago that I was adopted." "That I was supposed to be the son that my parents tried so hard to have on their own." "I think my voracious reading came from a deep longing for something that was missing." "I was searching for someone." "For my story." "To not feel so alone." "Portia?" "I knew you were taking this all rather hard... but I thought by now you'd be back on your feet." "What?" "It kills me." "It really kills me." "You'll get through this." " You think" " I know it seems impossible, but you will." " No, this has nothing to do with" " It's OK, it's OK." "I understand." "No really." "Christ, I have to go." "Hang on in there." "That's so funny." "Il Forno is one of my favorite restaurants loo." " That's amazing." " I know." "Portia, sweetie." "You feeling all right?" "Just terrific, thanks." "Oh good." "Then I think there was an evaluation card that was placed on the wrong file." "Jeremiah Balakian." " Balakian." " Ba...?" "Balakian." " Balakian." " Balakian." "I think-." "You didn't mean to put "High Consider," did you?" "Let me see-." "No, that's right." "But he has Ds and Fs and suspensions." "But did you notice that he also got 5s on all eight AP exams... .-.without ever taking any AP courses?" "Yes." "I'm going to investigate that." "That's impossible." "No, apparently not." "If the child in question is a unique, special child." "This isn't a child, it's an applicant." "He's got no extracurriculars at all." "The counselor at his old high school said he was shocked..." "Jeremiah was even applying to college." "He's an autodidact." "He's an advanced reader from the age of eight." "Leonardo DaVinci was an autodidact." "So was Benjamin Franklin-." "Did this Balakian kid discover electricity or paint the Mona Lisa?" "I must have missed that in his file." "He's a great kid." "Portia, dear." "Take a deep breath." "Teamwork, remember?" " I'm sorry." " No, I'm sorry." "I forgot you're in a very fragile stale." "Maybe you'd like to step outside and see how fragile I am." "Only kidding!" "Only kidding." "Just a little levity to enhance the teamwork." "Thank you for your thoughts, Corrine." "He is never getting in." "Never." "Calm down." "There's something great I want to show you." " It turns out Jeremiah was a stale champion" " In what?" "You know what?" "It's better if you see it for yourself." "He's going to be doing it at Nelson's birthday party." "Shows originality, intellectual passion, everything the books talk about." "Slate champion." "Thank god." "Excellent." "So Hi send you the address to Nelson's birthday party." "It's at my parents' house." " I'll be there." " Good." "Is she coming to my party?" "Why do you like her so much?" "I don't know." "She's weird." " She is indeed." " Doesn't matter anyway, right?" "Sure it matters." "But, about this Spanish test." "This is your third "try harder" in a row." "Senora Garcia says you have an aptitude for languages" "What if I don't?" "What if I don't have an aptitude for languages?" "What if I'm not a genius like Jeremiah?" "I don't want you to be a genius." "I'm not a genius." "But I want you to be able to get by in the world." " Whatever." " En espanol." "Whatever." "I have class." "Even Becket emerged from Goebbels' overcoat." "Not to mention Pinter, Janet." " Professor Polokov." " Yes?" " Portia Nathan." " Yes, the sad lady." "The sad lady?" "That's not really how I think of myself." "How is your mother?" "She's fine." "So I wonder, would you consider conducting some supplementary admissions interviews?" "A scholar of your stature would carry a huge amount of weight with the committee." "In fact, there's one extremely unusual applicant who's shown a strong interest in literature and philosophy" "Why would I want to speak with a high school student?" "Of course, perhaps we could make some sort of arrangement..." "I can't believe you're pimping me." "I'm not "pimping" you." "He's a fan of your writing." "And I need him to meet this applicant." "Besides, when was the last time you went to a party?" "With racist jockey statues?" "Never." "Yeah, those are pretty weird." "Hey Portia, thanks for coming to my party." "Hey Nelson, happy birthday!" "Glad you could make it." "So this is your parents' place?" "Yeah, well, my mom's now." "My dad passed away a few months ago." "I'm sorry." "It's nice to see you again." "You're not packing heat by any chance, are you?" "Should I be?" "No, no, we're all friendlies." "So, what is this?" "That is a fossil from the Jurassic era." "It has been in the same place for a hundred and fifty million years." "Cool!" "Welcome, welcome, welcome!" " Mom, I would like you to" " I'm Johnny's mother, Mrs. Pressman." "Are you Johnny's girlfriend?" "No." "We are friends." "Just friendly acquaintances." "Portia Nathan." "Of course." "What am I thinking?" "He can't love anything that's less than a ten hour ﬂight from JFK." "Maybe we don't have to go, right Grandma?" " Nelson..." " You're absolutely right, Nelson." "There's nothing wrong with staying in the same place for a while." "Ask Portia." "She's been in the same job for sixteen years!" "Yeah, and it's a travesty, Nelson." "Portia was president of her high school class." "Mom" "She resigned in protest over funding for the girls' sports program." "She led a school-wide walk out." "And the relevance of all this is?" "When you were nine months old, you could walk." "She actually walked." "I don't mean just stumble walking like an infant or a toddler she waked with absolute certainty." "One day I saw her tumble over her shoelaces." "She did not cry." "She didn't fall down." "She sat down, carefully, and tied her shoelaces in a double knot... .-.got up and kept going- At nine months old." "There are a lot of holes in that story." "You were fearless." "You were born an Amazon." "That's amazing." "I love it." "And what makes you think she needs your approval?" " I don't." " OK, that's enough crazytown." "When Johnny got admitted to Harvard Law..." "Oh god." "...he decided to go and live in Outer Mongolia instead." "Yeah." "Outer Mongolia." "You know what, Portia, I'm with you." "Enough crazytown." "Have another vat of gin, Mom." " Ms. Nathan." " Yes?" "Vladimir Polokov." "You are just as beautiful today as you were thirty years ago." "I just had a mastectomy." "I was just translated into Finnish." "Brilliant." "Can I gel you some iced lea?" "Or something stronger perhaps?" "Why not." "I'll stroll with you-." "I would love to." "It would be a pleasure." "It was a pleasure." "Your lawn jockeys are just...outstanding." "Yeah, aren't they fun?" "And now, with a special performance for Nelson on his big day." "Performing the act that won him honorable mention... at the New Hampshire Slate Championships." "Put your hands together..." "Put your hands together!" "For Jeremiah Balakian!" "I want to dedicate this performance to Nelson." "Happy birthday, pal." "Honorable mention, I thought you said he won." "He was robbed." "This is my other friend Rene Descartes." " Say "Hello, Rene."" " Hello, Rene." "How are you, Rene?" "I think, therefore I am." "Did you say you're pink, therefore you're ham?" "Do you have any advice for a young man, Rene?" "Whatever you do don't put the horse before..." ""Descartes." "Do you guys want to see Descartes philosophize backwards?" "I think, therefore I am." "Oh god." "That's terrible." "What was that?" "Come on, that showed originality, depth" "Are you kidding me?" "Here from the island of misfit toys is Jeremiah Balakian." "Are those birds?" "Those are doves." "For the party?" "No, you know, my morn has a dove room." "By the way, I know that wasn't a perfect showcase... but he can't pretend to be somebody he's not." "Yes he can." "You should try it sometime." "It's how humans behave here on planet earth." "I know how humans behave on planet earth... because I've actually lived a few places on planet earth-." "Wait!" "Here, help me out." "Aren't you ready yet?" " I'm lighting them as fast as I can." " Hurry up!" "Do you like the cake?" "It's very patriotic." "Nelson's idea." "How many frigging candles are on this cake?" "Fifty." "It was my mom's idea." "Polokov was looking at Jeremiah like he had two heads." "Well that's his problem, isn't it!" "Look, I want Jeremiah to go to Princeton because he wants to go to Princeton... and I actually think he'd do great there... .-.but if he doesn't get in to Princeton, if he gets in to another school-.." "Well that's fine loo." "Because where you went to school... and what your background is, that's just a box and I reject it." "I reject being put into a box." "OK?" " Hi." " Hi, morn." " How'd it go?" " It was good." "Mr. and Mrs. Balakian, I'm Portia Nathan." "I want to say thank you so much for everything that you have done for this boy." "You're wonderful people." "She's from Princeton." "Well, you're welcome." "I love you." "OK." "Bye." "Portia?" "What are you doing here?" "I want to come live with you!" "Why in god's name would you want to live with me?" "Because you're a normal, boring adult." "I bet you'd take me to Chuck E. Cheese." "What makes you think I'm so boring?" "You just are." "It's good." "At your age, you're supposed to be boring." "I'm the same age as your dad!" "Tell him that!" " Hello?" " John, it's Portia." "I have Nelson." " You do?" " He's fine." " He is?" " Yes." "He's fine." "Thank goodness." "Nelson, you know how much I love this statue, right?" "Yeah." "You rode a horse three days through Outer Mongolia in the pouring rain living off mare's milk to bring it back." "That's right." "And I've dragged it place to place, across the world ever since I was twenty two." "That is nothing compared to how much I love you." "Please don't scare me like that again." "Why?" "You do it all the time?" "Hide out in cars?" "Run away!" "I'll never run away from you." "And going across the world and helping people is not running away." "I know, but why can't we ever just do what I want?" "Because you are a kid." "I am an adult." "What I say in this house goes!" "This parenthood thing well, it's a disaster." "So I hear." "I'm screwing it up." "Am I?" "Screwing it up?" "You're asking me?" "I don't know, it's just, Nelson and I have always travelled." "I wanted to give him the kind of life I didn't have as a kid." "I wanted to give him the opposite of what I had as a kid... but now all of a sudden he's turning into my mother." "You know, he plays Bridge." "He listens to Lite FM." "He asked for a blue blazer with gold buttons and anchors on them for Christmas." "Does your mom wear blue blazers?" "No, that was my father." "How is it possible?" "What am I doing wrong?" "At least you're trying." "I mean, there's so many different kinds of parents." "There's no one best way to do it." "Or so I have gathered... with my vast experience reading personal essays." "Speaking of which, I have fifteen essays to get through tonight, so..." "Well thank you for bringing him back." "Of course." "So you really are leaving, aren't you?" "In a month and a half." " I thought" " Let's just not think for a while." "Great." "Hey Portia." "Are you going to be my mom?" "What?" "No." "Just messing with you." "Right." "Go back to sleep." "Guess you're not so boring after all-." " Good morning." " Hi." "Did you stay over?" "Too long of a drive back to campus?" "I slept on the sofa." "So did your mother." "We did not make it all the way to the bedroom." "I didn't need to know that." "Interesting." "Unique, I would say." "Really, that's enough information." "The boy." "Jeremiah." "The ventriloquism..." "Weird" " I liked it." " I will write a recommendation." " Thank you!" "Thank you, sad lady." "Mom?" "Mom?" "What are you doing here?" "I wanted to tell you something." "I know." "You slept with that guy, didn't you?" "I did." "Then we both got lucky." "Yeah." "He's leaving." "It's OK." "It's good." "It is good." "You don't need any commitments right now." "It's perfect." "No." "Honey, I'm exhausted." "That old Russian guy gave me a workout." "Just take a nap." "Just for a bit." "Actually, I've got to hit the road." "Next victim!" "Good luck with the fencing finals, Sebastian." "It was a pleasure to meet you." "Thank you so much." " Hi there." " Hi." "This is Jeremiah Balakian." "Good to meet you." "Are you Mr. Balakian?" "No." "His parents couldn't make it." "I'm his teacher." "Yeah, you look like a teacher." "Might want to tuck that in, son." "So, Jeremiah, why don't you come into my torture chamber we'll have a chat and you can tell me why you want to go to Princeton." "I rode crew." "Class of eighty-one." "Lot's changed since then." "Hey." "This kid, he's terrific." "Yeah." "Great." "No, I mean he's authentic." "He doesn't want to just go to Princeton to meet future business partners." "He loves learning for the sake of learning." "That's what it's about, isn't it?" "Right." "Why don't you go get yourself a cup of coffee." "Yeah, great." "Thanks." " Prick." " Excuse me?" "I just called you a prick." "I'm sorry." "Don't take it out on him." "It's my own thing." "That's not very nice." "I know." "So, Jeremiah, tell me about yourself-." "Myself as in, you know, in relation to my soul or do you mean myself as like a unified person as the source of consciousness?" "Or do you mean myself like a narrative center of gravity?" "How bad was it?" "I'm not supposed to discuss alumni recommendations." "It was that bad?" "Can we get him a second alumni interview?" "I'm afraid not." "Tomorrow, the committee meetings begin and..." "look, I've got to go home and get some sleep." "It's the last chance I'm going to have for three weeks." "Your meetings last three weeks?" " I have to go." " Right." "Bye." "I have spoken to the Judo Association and they have no record of his "national championship.'" "DENY" "Thank you." "Goodbye." "I just want to say thank you." "I've tried to put on a brave front about M-M" "I can't even say his name." " Mark." " Yes." "Him." "And honestly you're the only person who has really been so sensitive to what I'm going through and I appreciate it so much." "Men can be such pigs." "People are all pigs." "OK, yes." "I'm with you on that." "Oh no" "Maybe we can declare a truce, because we women have to stick together in this man eat woman dog eat bitch world." "Sisterhood." "You are so right." " Good." " Yeah." "Friends, today we begin the process of choosing the most remarkable freshman class in Princeton history." "Here is the order of territories, chosen randomly." "We begin with the West." "Ladies and gentlemen." "Corrine, are you ready?" "Yes." "Yulia Karasov." "Class rank two of four hundred and fifty, magnet school in a suburb of San Diego." "Her family emigrated from Russia ten years ago." "She's captain of the cross-country team, sports editor of the school paper." "Math 760, Critical Reading 710, Writing 740." "But the recs aren't special." "They admire her, but they don't love her." "Show of hands for acceptance." "DENY" "Holy shit, that's the kid that doesn't get in?" "Sylvia Hadlock." "Applying from Los Angeles... but she's originally from our beautiful stale of New Jersey." "DENY" "Wallace Thompson." "Twenty-one hundred combined SAT class treasurer..." "Volunteers for Santa Claus...chess champion..." "prison web site... started an organic farm..." ""electromagnetic waves on bees." "Alice Copley." "Her dream is to be a prosecutor, then serve on the Supreme Court." "Alice's mother was murdered." "The murderer got off on a technicality." "Alice would like to retry him and put him away for life." "Though she would prefer the death penalty." "Excellent extracurriculars." "Twenty-two twenty combined SAT. 4.2 GPA" "I'm a little concerned about a revenge fantasy fueling her academics." "Portia, you were second reader." "I see you put "Maybe"" "I might have underestimated her passion upon first reading, as we all sometimes do." "I think this girl's self-knowledge is impressive." "She's an excellent candidate." "Vote." "Very good." "ACCEPT" "Dashiel Weld Broward." "Fourth generation legacy." "Four point oh." "Captain of his sailing club." "He led them to victory three years in a row." "SATs?" "660, 710, 600-." "He's just one of those kids that doesn't test well." "But, oh, can he read the wind." "So what you're saying is that an unusual candidate's strengths in some areas really do outweigh major and I mean major - weakness elsewhere." "Yes." "Well let's vote then." "For acceptance?" "Aput Kunayak from Nome, Alaska." "Managed to take five AP classes while working on his father's reindeer farm and... .-.starting and running a shelter for homeless sled dogs-." "Had suffered from ADD but overcame it to become a leader in his high school." "He'd be the first in his family to attend college." "Now Ben, as you know, we have room for very few of these "iffy" students." "But then again, we have to make room for the exceptional, right?" "Let's vote." "Aput Kunayak." "Are you going to give me the file?" "And last, we come to the end." "The Northeast." "Portia, please begin." "Thank you." "Richard Guinness." "Rye Country Day School." "State champion in the one hundred and thirty eight pound wrestling class." "Played "Rolfe" in the school production of "The Sound of Music.'" "DENY" "Chess club, makes an excellent soufﬂé member of the team but not a leader." "Backbone of the Woodwinds section was the highest praise he got." "He is the kind of student you could always call upon -to help with Martin Luthor King Day activities-." "Who isn't?" "That's twenty eight denies in a row." "Come on, Portia." "Make us fall in love." "OK." "Let's see." "Jeremiah Balakian." "Jeremiah is our first applicant from Quest a new school in New Hampshire." "Developmental, but academically rigorous." "Jeremiah is an only child." "Parents both work at a Stop N Go." "Neither of them attended college." "The first three years of his high school life were a disaster." "If you're wondering why you are even listening to this..." "Jeremiah is also a self-described autodidact since the age of eight." "He's very well read." "In fact, he's the most well read person I have met." "Ever." "And why?" "For his resume?" "To impress someone?" "For the sake of learning." "His passion for knowledge." "He had no plans to attend college until this past fall when he switched to Quest and came into contact with teachers who recognized his potential." "Last spring, he took the SATs and eight AP tests." "Wail, so he took AP classes?" "No AP classes." "No SAT prep courses." "But he got 5's on all eight APs." "And 790, 780 and 790 on the SATs." " That's amazing." " I'm sorry, what did you say?" " That's amazing." " Amazing." "It's amazing." "Exactly." "Do you think he can handle an intense academic community?" "Thank you." " That's a great question, thank you." " You're welcome." "The director of his new school says he is idiosyncratic, cerebral... .-.a true original whose abilities would lift the level of discourse." in any class he enrolled in." "You seem..." "passionate about him." "I am." "So what was his GPA?" "I mean, before Quest?" "D plus." "One point five." "He was a lost kid." "And then he was found." "So Corrine, you were second reader." "I see you wrote "Deny."" "Any second thoughts?" "Well, he is like no other applicant we have ever considered." "His alumni interview was not so great." "That guy sounded like a jerk." "And he has a positive recommendation from no less of a scholar than Vladimir Polokov." "OK, maybe from our perspective he could have done more made himself more of a resume and paper trail." "But he look himself from nowhere to where he is today." "He educated himself purely by instinct." "Not because he wants to put away his mother's killer." "He was as isolated as someone in Nome, Alaska." "He was alone." "He was completely alone." "And you know, maybe if his parents had been rich... he would have been exposed to more." "We have to make room for these kids." "We have to make room for kids like these." "Clarence, you told us at the beginning of the year... to find that undiscovered gem." "I found him." "Well, let's vote." "All in favor of admission?" "He also received an honorable mention at the state finals for ventriloquism." "We're in the middle of a vole." "Brandt?" "I'm sorry, Portia." "I just think he's got a little too much to overcome." "I mean, the kid was in Special Ed." "I know sometimes we subconsciously identity with applicants who remind us of ourselves, but honey, no." "OK then." "Pen)'" "Wait!" "Polokov called him inspirational!" "Portia, please." "Sit down." "It's too risky." "He's just not Princeton material." "I'm actually surprised that you thought he was." "DENY" "Tenisha Jones." "Brearley School, Manhattan." "GPA:" "Four point three." "Speaks semi-ﬂuent Mandarin." "Two, three, four!" "Listen to my tale" "Man, it's really sad t got those tiger-town blues and I got them bad" "I've been hanging around at the Nass a" day" "Hoping to drown my blues away" "Oh Lord, I got those tigenown blues" "Now these Princeton boys, they're a bad bunch of boys" "And they realty know how to spread their joys" "They've been running around when they ought to be in" "Hitting those books instead of a bottle of gin" "Oh Lord, I've got those tiger-town blues" "Those tigerlown blues (we never work at all)" "Those tigertown blues (that's why we're singing now)" "Portia Nathan." "Hey, this is Bob Barrow from Hotchkiss." "I wanted to talk to you about one of our applicants." "All decisions have been made." "Yes, but I wanted you to know that Jesse Bolton is going to Yale." "Definitely." "He was just in here." "Even though he's a legacy, he's definitely going to Yale." "So look, if you accepted him... maybe that place can go to another of our students?" "Instead of Jesse just rejecting Princeton." "Thank you for your call, but all decisions are absolutely final." "No changes can be made." "Yes, but" "Password" "Love, Aleksai" "Aleksai." "Final Accept-Deny" "Bolton, Jesse" "Balakian, Jeremiah" "I'm sorry you feel that way." "No, there isn't an appeals process." "How wonderful that Elissa got so many acceptances." "Harvard and Yale too?" "Listen, I'd love to talk to you about the financial aid package we could offer." "No seriously, I'm so happy too." "No, you rock." "Yes, I know he is a legacy and I certainly understand why you would never want to give... another penny to this university ever again." "Wow." "That is a new one." "You're our angel on earth" "I hope you get rectal cancer" "Portia Nathan." "Hey, I have somebody here who wants to talk to you." " I got in." " Yes, I know." "This is the best day of my life!" "The best day of your life?" "Well that's good, good, that's..." "I'm very happy." "Look, we're having a school dance here tonight... and I think you should come and celebrate." "There you are." "Clarence wants to see you." "Yes, thank you." "I've been expecting that." "I have to go." "I'll call you later." "Have a seal, please." " So, I had a call." " Oh yes?" "From Richard Bolton." "Class of '81." "Father of Jesse Bolton." "Do you recall Jesse Bolton?" "Budding journalist... writes for the Boston Globe - is this coming back?" "I remember Jess Bolton." "We loved Jesse Bolton." "We accepted Jesse Bolton." "And yet..." "So I asked for the admit list." "Looked for Bolton, Jesse." "No Bolton, Jesse." "But I did find Balakian, Jeremiah." "We sent Mr. Balakian an offer of admission, which he accepted." "The only thing is..." "I don't remember making him an offer of admission." "But I do remember your plea that we do so." "You have exposed this office and the University to a completely undeserved scandal." "If word of this were ever to get out, the damage would be irreparable." "Well, I won't tell anyone." "That's right." "You won't." "What you will do is submit your resignation and take this week to clear up your affairs." "And then I don't ever want to see you in this building again." "He's going to Yale." "Jesse Bolton." "The guidance counselor called me." "We never had a shot at him." "Yale!" "Well, that's not the point." "I assume you will be standing by the offer?" "Well I don't see how we can rescind it... without the whole thing blowing up in our faces." "The whole system would be questioned." "We wouldn't want that to happen." "Yeah?" "Oh hi, glad you're here." "I was just coming down to the dance." " You OK?" " Yeah, why?" " You just seem kind of intense." " I'm OK, are you OK?" "Yeah, I'm great." "I'm supposed to be chaperoning this dance." "You're doing a great job." "You can do this." "You having fun?" "This is the best day of my life." "You have no idea how happy that makes me feel." "I want so much for you to be happy and for you to have all the things that you want in life." "Thanks." "You know how when you're swinging on a rope swing across a stream and you're afraid to jump in and then you just do?" "No, I'm kind of afraid of heights, so..." "Me too." "That's..." "You and I have so much in common." "That's not as odd as it seems." "Jeremiah, there's something I want to tell you and it's going to come as quite a shock." "I'm your mother." " What?" " Your birth mother." "I've been trying to figure out the best time to tell you... and I know, I was speechless loo." "No, it's not that." " It's just...you're not my birth mother." " Yes, I am." "And I know this is very sudden and I don't expect" "No, my birth mother is named Janie Schroder and.-." "She's a hairdresser from Keene." "And I met her and my half sisters a couple months ago." "I put my name in at the adoption agency and they contacted me" "No, Jeremiah you were born on Valentine's Day at 1pm at Blaine General." "To me." "No, I was born at 11pm." "They said my mom tried like hell to hold off till the last hour... .-.so I wouldn't have some lame Valentine's Day birthday-." "It's a copy - see?" "That's an eleven with one of the ones missing." "It's faded, you see?" "I never told anybody because I didn't want my parents to find out." "I was worried that it would hurt their feelings." "And I don't want to hurt them, because they're my parents." "Of course." "This whole time you thought you were my mother?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "I didn't want anything getting in the way of you getting into Princeton." "I'd have to recuse myself." "So everything you did was because you thought I was your son?" "No." "I completely believe in you." "I actually do." "You were lying to me the whole time." "I don't understand." "I can't tell what's real." "I don't get it." " How did it go?" " 11pm, not 1pm!" " What?" " Just stay out of my life!" "Or what's left of it." "Hey!" "Hold on." "Janie Schroder." "A hairdresser." "His mother is a hairdresser." "What?" "No, I read the birth certificate." "A copy." "A faded copy." " Look!" " What?" "Eleven." "That is supposed to be an eleven." "None of this was true." "This is all a stupid dream." "This is all in your head and I just jumped in like a complete idiot." "I can fix this." "I'll contact adoption services" "No!" "Do not fix anything!" "I don't want to ever see you again!" "Go be a citizen of the planet!" "I am so glad that you are going to Ecuador except for one thing." "What?" "I feel sorry for the Ecuadorians!" "Hi." "Come on in." "You can help me grind sausage." "I've got something to say, Susannah." "Having sex on a train with a stranger to gel pregnant - really not so great!" "You didn't even ask his name." "And so I will never know who my father is." "Maybe he's in Paris." "Maybe he's in Hoboken." "Maybe he's president." "Obviously not that." "But I'll never know." "Because you forgot one important thing on your way to self-empowerment." "Me!" "Why didn't you ask his name?" " Why don't you just shut up." " No, you shut up!" "I got pregnant, and I had a kid." "Back in college." "And I gave him up for adoption." "I wasn't in the Netherlands." "I was living above an auto repair shop." "Hiding." "From you." "Because I can't stand you." "And that's it." "That's all I have to say." "Except, gel some goddamn dog food." "Wait, Portia!" "Portia!" "Portia, don't leave!" "Don't leave!" "Portia!" "Wait, wait!" "I didn't ask the name of the man on the train because actually, I didn't have a grand plan." "I made all that up." "It was all an accident." "A happy accident, because it led to you." "Baby, it led to you." "And I wished so many times that I could have told you his name." "It's one of the disappointments of my life and I am so sorry." "Please, come back in." "Mom, I have to go." "Dad?" "MY car!" "Really?" "What happened?" "Are you OK?" "It's a slight fracture." "Fender bender." "It's dumb." "I'm sorry, I mean, about everything." "I was stupid and selfish." "A selfish asshole." "And I just wanted to come here and tell you that I'm sorry." "Wait." "How's Nelson?" "Good." "He's good." "How's his Spanish?" "Terrible." "Is he ready for Ecuador?" "We're not going to Ecuador." " You're not?" " No." "I passed on that job." "Nelson wanted to stay put and you know, I finally realized that I want him to be happy." "So this decision, right now I'm going to let him make it." "Nelson really likes you." "Nelson likes me because I'm so boring." " You're not boring." " I'm pretty boring." "You're not boring." "I think you're exquisite." " You want to go out sometime?" " Yes." " I mean with me." " Oh" " Yes-." "Good." "I thought it was important to acknowledge that it's maybe" "It's good to clarify." "I think so." "NO ADMITTANCE" "Portia Nathan?" "So, tell me about yourself-." "I worked in college admissions for sixteen years." "I used to spend my days passing judgment on young people who were way more together than I was at their age." "I'm figuring out what I want to do next." "I've been living at my mom's place for the last two months." "I thought that would drive me insane but actually, we're going to be throwing a graduation party for a kid who I thought was my son." "He's a great kid." "I killed my bonsai tree by over trimming it." "I got pregnant in college and my boyfriend had already dumped me for someone else." "I didn't realize until I was very far along and I didn't think I could be a mother." "Ever." "Portia?" "Did you mean it when you said I could do this?" "Yes." "I meant it." " Thanks." " You're going to do great there." "My boy, if you are truly outstanding you'll probably be kicked out of there after one term." " Cut it out, Vlad." " Excuse me." "Don't listen to him." "Did you decide what your major is?" "Philosophy, love." "Not philosophy, women's studies." "You know, that's enough philosophy." "And if your biological son chooses to contact you'?" "How would you feel?" "I would feel nervous, but lucky." "I would feel lucky." "I would just be grateful to get to know him." "I overwalered it too." "The bonsai." "I just drowned it." " It's OK." " OK." "I can't promise anything... .-.but we'll contact you if there's any news." "OK." "Hey!" "Hey." "It's a thin envelope." "That doesn't mean anything." "Open it." "It says he's not ready to meet me at this time." "OK." "Well then..." "You're on the waitlist." "That's not so bad." "No, it's not." "Right." "Hey Portia." "Everything OK?" "Yes." "What's the secret to getting in'?" "I can't tell you." "You have to find out for yourself."