"I lndistinct Chatterl" " (Doctor)Metzenbaum." " Anytime, Frank." " quiet." " Well,just do something before the patient dies ofboredom." "IfKwang werehalfanassistant, he'dhave theinstruments in myhands withoutmy thinking." "What's that for?" "Oh, right." " Can I be ofany help?" " Careful, Father, he'll cut right through your beads." "I don't need this abuse!" " We do." " Hey, come on, people." "Just once, huh?" "Well, thank the stars someday this'll all be over, and I can go home and hang up my shingle." ""Frank Burns" " Exterminator."" " Colonel!" " Mclntyre." " Pierce!" " I Mocking I Colonel!" " Richardson." " (lnstrument Clatters)" " See whatyou've done?" " Sorry, Doctor." " I Mulcahyl I'll get it." " (Frank)Now, thatis the work ofabungling incompetent." " Don't be so hard on yourself, Frank." " Stay out ofthis, buttinski!" " Now what?" " Between this inept orderly and the backbiting in here" "I did not bite his back, but I did pinch his tushy." " Sorry, Father." " What exactly is a tushy?" "I cannot work in this madhouse!" " Find us a sane war somewhere, Frank." " Get us two seats down front." "It's the same thing every time in the O.R. with those two boobs-  tensions, insults, bickering." " Frank, I don't know whyyou let them botheryou." " You knowyou're a good surgeon." " Ofcourse I know I'm a terrifiic surgeon." " Who said "terrifiic"?" "I said "fair."" " You said "good."" " I think all you docs are doing a greatjob." " Oh, thanks, McShane... but saving lives-- that's all in a day's work." "Well, let's all have a slice ofhumble pie." "Doctor, I hope my clumsiness... in no way interfered with your performance today." "Hey, you express yourself real good, Mr. Kwang." "Oh, you can bet he memorized that speech." "Can'tyou tell, Frank?" "I'm a ventriloquist." " Try it again." "I thinkyour lips moved." " An apology is not enough." " You're going to have to shape up around here." " Orwe won't saveyour country." "Come on, Frank." "Get offhis back." "He does good work." "Why doyou reserve all your praise for them?" "How comeyou never have... a "goodjob" to a clean-cut boy like McShane here?" " Goodjob, clean-cut boy." " I Grumbles I" "Take two Norman Rockwells out ofpetty cash." "Oh, thankyou." "Thank God Henry runs the hospital." "The war'd be no fun without him." "Makes you glad he mugged that med student and stole the diploma." "Oh, Mr. Kwang." "Why don'tyoujoin us for the happy hour?" " Thankyou, sir." " Hopeyou like martinis." "We've got some new Beefeater's formaldehyde." "I'll play bartender." "Oh, that's nice." "He has a cleanliness fetish." " Mr. Kwang?" " Thankyou, Doctor." "First ofall, we'd like to apologize for Frank Burns on behalfofthe United States." "As well as Canada and Mexico." "Please don't let him botheryou." "He's harmless, unless you're under his care." "He's under a lot oftension." "Unlike the rest ofus, who arejust over here to put on TheStudentPrince." "You know, your command ofour language is reallyvery impressive." " Thankyou, sir." " You must have studied somewhere." "You certainly can't learn English from Americans." "I was a student at the University ofSeoul when the war broke out." "So much for school." "Walking there one day, two soldiersjumped out ofa truck and threw me into the back." "At that moment, I realized I'd volunteered." "Yeah, we've heard a lot about those draft board trucks." "They get about 22 recruits to the gallon." "Eliminates the suspense ofwondering ifyou can pass the physical." "Fortunately, I was sent to the 1 21 st hospital... where a medical offiicer felt I had surgical aptitude." "I'm very grateful to him." "Well, let's face it:" "Medical offiicers are sweethearts." "I welcomed the transfer here... sinceyour reputation as skillful surgeons is well-known." "Somebody's reading those leaflets we dropped." " Tip-see-dah." " Shalom." "Also." "I Sighs I" "I have only one regret in being sent here." "What is it?" "We're publishing a catalogue." "When I was drafted..." "I did not have chance to say good-bye to mywife." "I have not seen her since." "Well, that's no sweat." "We'll getyou a three-day pass." "I've tried." "They said impossible." "Naturally." "Every unit is assigned an impossible offiicer." "Leave it to us, Mr. Kwang." "(Man On P.A.)Attention." "All doctors assignedtopremarital examspleasereportforduty." "Ah." "I hear the Korean love call." "Doctor, thankyou very much." " A passjust takes a lot ofingenuity." " And a little offorgery." " One for the road?" " I better not." "It takes a steady hand for a Wasserman." " In a minute, Mother." "In a minute." " Sign this, sir." " Everything seems to be okay here, Sergeant." " Ditto here too." "Just take this over to the colonel, and he'll sign your adoption papers." " I'm not going to adopt her, Doc." "She's going to be my bride." " She'll make a charming wife." "And you can get her into the movies for halfprice." "Over here." " You got any three-day passes on you?" " I don't want to get in Dutch." "You wanna see any more books on reproduction?" "Wait here." "We are not giving away teeth." "No teeth today." "I Chuckles I" "Just sign there, sir." " Well" " You're not getting married, areyou, Radar?" "Uh, not to my knowledge, sir." "Well, then, can't it wait?" "I've got so many things to sign, I don't know what I'm signing." "Yes, sir." " Top secret, sir." " Oh?" "Well, what is it?" "Well, I'm not supposed to know, butyou must know..." " otherwise theywouldn't wantyou to sign it." " Right." "So ifyou'll just sign below my hand, I'll just close my eyes and" "Gotcha." " Okay." " Thankyou, sir." "Oh, Radar, will you get the keys to the teeth?" " Yes, sir-- teeth." " Gonna getyou some teeth." "Get the keys, then the teeth." " One three-day pass." " Bless your little belly button." "Keys for the teeth." " Ready for the next?" " Okay, Father." " Uh, hi, Docs." " McShane." "Yeah, I, uh, came for a physical." "I'd like to get married." "DoesJudge Hardy know about this?" " You interested in a local girl?" " Yes, sir." "Soong Hi." "Uh-huh." "Uh, look, we'll be right with you, okay?" "Just a minute." " Haven't we seen her somewhere before?" " Yeah, at Rosie's Bar." "She's been on that same stool through two wars, with a change maker in her purse." "Um-- uh, would you, uh,just, uh" " Wait over here for us." "We'll bejust a minute." " And, Private, could we" "Will you four lovely people Just come along with me?" " Where did you meet this woman?" " She's hardly a woman, sir." " She's only 21 years old." " I Laughing I" " Her mascara's older than that." " Sir?" "Sorry." "Look, kid... when you're this far away from home, your perspective gets a little out ofwhack..." "you start to loseyour objectivity." " And she gets your P.X. card." "Oh, no, no." "It's not like that, sir." "We really love each other." " You written home about this?" " No, sir." "When you walk into the house together, your mother's gonna fall into her apple pie." "While it's still in the oven." "You know that I don't have to ask foryour permission, only a physical." "Look, kid, it's rough over here for all ofus-- fetid water, Civil War leftovers." "I personally know three bedbugs by their fiirst names, but that's not gonna go on forever." "Yeah." "Why can'tyoujust wait for a couple ofmonths or so?" " Why?" " Call it a cooling-offperiod." "But I don't want to cool off." "I want to get married, now." "Couple ofmonths isn't very long for two people who are really in love." "Mmm." " All right." "I'll wait." " Good." " Butjust two weeks." " Okay." "Two weeks." "Right." "That'll make the gang at the malt shop very happy." "(Hawkeye)Radar, ifyou'regonna eat pickles, don't touch the cards." "Even when lgetagoodhand, itstinks." " I open for a half." " I'm in." " Me too." "All right." "I'll seeyou, and I'll raiseyou" " Where's my other chip?" " Well, don't look at me." "What--you want to search us?" " Radar?" " Yeah?" " You ate my chip." " I did?" "Probably the only digestible thing he's had all night." "Is it possible?" "Captain, areyou in or out?" "All right." "I'll raiseyou a half, and I'm shy one chip that Radar ate." "And ifyou don't believe me, I'll have him x-rayed." " You in?" "Call." " Oh, yeah." " In." " Call." " What doyou want, Radar?" "Um, three cards." " And a glass ofmineral oil." "Gimme three." " Uh-huh." " I'm pat." " Gimme one." "Dealer takes one." " Okay, you're the raiser." "What doyou say?" " Uh, check." " Check." " I bet a buck." " Call." " I'm shy four." " A buck?" " EI fold-o." " Two pair-- bullets andjacks." " Ha-ha!" " Flush!" "(Laughing) - (Trapper)Henry... they're all the same color, too bad they're not the same suit." "Two, three, four hearts, and a diamond." "I gotta get some R and R." "Three treys, or trey threes, ifyou like." " The rich get richer." " The soul ofgrace." "Why do the offiicers win the big pots when they got everything else goin' for 'em?" "Don't give me any of that poor G.I. crapola, Zale." "You mailed home threejeeps and two-thirds ofa truck." "You're not doing that, areyou?" "I know in my next life I'd want to be an offiicer." "I had you down for pussycat." "It's notjust the money." "You offiicers live better, you eat better... then there's the nurses." "You thinkwe like playing around with the nurses?" "We have to." "It's part oftheir recruiting program." "Ifthere was one ofthose big-mouth sergeants here, he'd say..." ""Blow it outyour stethoscope... sir."" "Some enlisted men aren't even allowed to fall in love." "Jacks are better." " They can fall in love with anybody theywant... as long as it's another enlisted man." " Danny McShane's in love." " Aha." "Radar, we're trying to do him a favor." "McShane's a lonely kid a long way from home." " He's all mixed up." " (Zale)Oh?" "Did you ever see him lay down a flush with four hearts and a diamond?" "Open forabuck." "Don't make it sound like we're breaking up Donald O'Connor and Peggy Ryan." " That woman's got a lot ofmiles on her clock." " But it's his decision, sir." "Maybe we should butt out." "So what ifshe onlywants to take him?" "Look, on a cold night in Korea with the wind blowing in offSiberia... you can't get warm shackin' up with your P.X. card, you know." "You got a touch ofthe poet in you, Zale." " (Shouting)" " Hear that?" " Sounds like a flight." "Don't tell meyou've got a pass." "I want to see it." " Probably another attempt on the cook's life." "Come on." " Let's go." "Come on, come on." "You will fiind it has been duly and properly authorized by the commanding offiicer." "Oh, shut up." "I heard enough ofyour pidgin English." "This is a forgery, fella." " Where doyou thinkyou'regoing?" "Stop thatman!" " Gimme three cards." " Shouldn't somebody see what's happening?" " Maybe one ofyou offiicers..." " ought to rush out there and make a decision." " (Gunshot)" " That sounded like a shot fiired in anger." " Radar, go take a look." " Me, sir?" " Now's your chance for that next life." " Colonel Blake..." " Yo." " did you authorize this pass for that Korean national?" " Hey!" " Put away that gun, Frank." " Which one?" " The one who fakes English so literate, Mr. Kwang." " I didn't give him a pass." " I thought as much." " Hey, can we play cards?" " It has my signature." " I knew it was a forgery!" " Yes, sir, that is your signature." " It is?" "See the fat "K" and the skinny "A"?" "I'd knowyour "A-K" anywhere, sir." "I caught him climbing into a truck, and when I saw the fake pass..." "I ordered him down, but he's run off." " Now, you can charge him with desertion." " Let me bet fiirst." " Is that whywe heard a shot?" " Well, I fiired a warning, but hejust kept running." "Frank, put that gun down." "It's as offensive a weapon as your mouth." "Okay, scaredy-cat, but I can handle a fiirearm with the best ofthem." "I All Shouting I" " Sirs?" " That's us." " Someone in your tent to seeyou sirs." " Male or female?" " Uh, male." " Well, you can't win them all." "Sir, could I have that book now?" "I got an hour off, and-- I got" " I got an hour off" "My luck is still lousy." "Lookwho's here." " Gentlemen." " Dr. Pak, isn't it?" "I'm flattered you remember me, sir." "I recognized the dirt underyour nails." "Still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?" "And using hair cream for penicillin?" "Iexaminedone of yourpatients, Doctor." "He still had pneumonia, but I must say you cleared up his dandruff." "Ifyou are fiinished, sirs..." "I would like to makeyou a proposition." "In conjunction with my medical practice, I am in a new business." "Headstones?" "I understand you are trying to prevent the marriage of Private McShane and a Miss Soong Hi." " What's it toyou?" " I am prepared to offer each ofyou $250..." " ifyou okay her physical." "Just what business areyou in?" "Marriage broker." "I arrange matches between Korean girls and G.I.s... to enable the girls to go toyourwonderful stateside." "Ah." "Where they, uh" "Work for some friends ofmine." "Uh-huh." "Night work." "250 bucks apiece, huh?" "In the future, I assureyou more money... butPrivate McShaneinsistedon a thousanddollars forhimself." "This marriage was made Just a few feet lower than in heaven." "Clean-cut American boy." "Those freckles must be pasties." " You know, sir, you mightjust go down in medical history." " How's that?" "As the fiirst doctor to set two broken legs, and both ofthem his own." " Come back!" " Hey!" "Hey!" "Mr. Kwang." "You knowyou're up on desertion charges?" " I was trying to get to myvillage." " Who isn't?" "I received word from mywife." "She is about to give birth to our fiirst child." " Well, why didn'tyou tell us?" " C.O.'s this way, fellas." " You wait outside." "We'll do the talking." " I'm going to be a father!" "Good." "You can pass out cigars to the fiiring squad." "Henry, youcan'tcharge aman with desertion ifhehadapasssignedbyyou." "You can't call it forgery-- it's gotyour signature on it." "A person can't forge his own name." " Radar, let me see the pass again." "Thankyou." " Here's the pass again, sir." "I just don't remember signing this." "Well, who's to blame ifyou have amnesia?" "Aw, don't give me that amnesia bit." "I remember seeing this last night at the poker game." "I ln Unison I What poker game?" " Radar, didn't we play poker last night?" " Ifyou say so, sir." "Oh, I get it." "You're trying to gaslight me, right?" " Come on, Henry, let him go." " No!" "It's not that easy!" "I mean, I got people writing reports on me all the time." "Every move I make is watched." "Hi, Frank." "What areyou doin'?" "Security." "Just checking the lock." " With your ear?" " Get out, Frank." " Well, I never meant to come in." " Henry" " Henry, this is an emergency." " Mr. Kwang's wife is having a baby." " Her fiirst." " What makes it really exciting is Mr. Kwang's the father." "Uh-huh." "Aw, gee, sir, it sure would be swell... ifwe could get this Korean mommy and daddywith their baby all together in the same place." "Will you cut it out?" "All right." "He can't have the pass, but I will drop the charges." "Henry, that's very decent ofyou." "Would you like to try for human?" " What about Mr. Kwang's wife-- can't we do something for her?" " Hey, there's a war on, remember?" "Most ofthese women have to have their babies in a rice paddy and then go back to work." " Henry, we all saw The GoodEarth." " Hey, what is that?" " A 20-year-old movie." " We're getting that next week." "Hey, I would like to give Mr. Kwang a pass, but there'd be hell to pay at H.Q" " All right, then Radar and I will go." " Where?" "To pick up Mrs. Kwang so she can have her baby here." "Oh, fline, fline." "That's all we need, is a baby." " Come on." " You know, we don't have any diapers around here or anything." " Can we borrow some ofyour shorts?" " Okay." "The village is QUang Sun, east 1 0 miles ofthe main road." " Pretty close to enemy lines." " quite so, Doctor." "Hey, wait a minute." "How close is it to the Chinese?" "I don't want to scareyou, but the grocery stores are stocking up on fortune cookies." "Ha-ha, sir." "How doyou wish me good luck in Korean?" "Doctor-- I Speaks Korean I" "I thought so." "I Engine Starts, Revs I" " I Knocking I - ## I Playing I" "Come in." " You sent for me, Doc?" " Ah, yeah, McShane." "Come on in." "Sit down." "## I Stops I" "I just wanted to congratulateyou on your upcoming wedding." "Thankyou, sir." "I heard thatyou and Captain Pierce had given Soong Hi her physical." " I sure appreciate that, sir." " I imagineyou're gonna have quite a honeymoon." "Well, I'm trying to scrape up enough money to go to Tokyo, sir." " Well, you can go further than that on a thousand bucks." " Sir?" "Now, don't play Huck Finn with me, kid." "Dr. Pak told us all about the racket." "I don't know any Dr. Pak, sir." "The doctorwith the Parker Brothers diploma." "He gives you a thousand clams to marry Broadway Rose East... then, afterthe ceremony, you twopartcompany." "She goes to work for Pak's friends in the States at the corner of42nd and somewhere." " You run to the post offiice for a money order." " Really, sir" "You give me one more "sir," and I'm going to prescribe a 24-hour enema." "Okay, okay." "Listen, why shouldn't an enlisted man get in on the gravy?" "Everybody else is making a buck over here." "Why shouldn't I?" " (Knocking)" " Yeah?" " Radiology, Doc." " Thanks." "Don't sweat it, Captain." "Call the thousand dollars the bride's dowry-- an old Korean tradition." "Hey, boy next door." "There's another old Korean tradition-  it's called tuberculosis." " What?" "I'm afraid there's a shadow on the lung ofthe former future Mrs. McShane." "Come on." "You'rejust saying that to blow my deal." "Your deal is blown." "Take a look." "Ofcourse, at a thousand bucks a shot, I'm sureyou'll be able to fiind true love again." "How long is the trip back to the base, sir?" "About three hours." " How long we been on the road?" " A little over 1 5 minutes." " Now I'm sorrywe weren't captured." " I Moans I" " You having pains?" " Yes, sir." "I was talking to Mrs. Kwang." "Ma'am?" "Is it one long, steady pain, or do they come and go?" "The pain comes, and the pain goes." "Mine's one long, steady one." "Uh-oh." " Really?" " I think she's going into labor." " What does that mean?" " It means she's about to give birth." "Right here?" "On this bus?" "ln front ofme?" "Yeah, right here on this bus." "What do I do-- give her a transfer... tell her to wait?" "I need your help." "Can you get up, please?" "Come back here, okay?" "Take it easy." "Be careful." "Don't strain yourself." " Gently." " You can get up here." " Easy." "I'm gonna liftyou now." "Easy." "Oh!" " Watch your head." "Listen, maybe ifwe lift her feet up, it'll slow things up a little." "Go get my bag." "Where wereyou when theywere teaching this in school?" "I must have been out thatyear." " I'm gonna need your help." " But I'm no good at delivering babies!" "When the cat had kittens, they sent me to the movies!" " Radar, there's nothing to it." "It's a natural experience." " So is fainting!" " I Screams I" " I Screams I" "Don't worry." "You'll be all right." "Um, shouldn't I get some hot water or something?" " There's no time for that." " I'd be very glad to get out and look for some." " Maybe there's a hot river near here, like at Yellowstone." " Radar!" "Come on, I need your help.Just hold her hand." "She and I'll do the rest." "Oh, no." "Oh, no, no, no, no." " You'll be all right." " Oh, sure, easy foryou." "I Panting I" "Oh, don't do that!" "I Yelling I" " (Mrs. Kwang Moans) - (Radar)Oh, myGod!" "I Baby Crying I" "It's a boy, Mr. Kwang." "He and his mother are doing fline." "I cannot thankyou enough, Doctor." " Tough delivery?" " Fortunately, I brought along a specialist." "I Baby Continues Crying I" "That is one cute little fella." " Thankyou." " Isn't he something'?" ""Radar Benjamin Franklin TrapperJohn Henry Kwang."" " Radar, you got top billing." " For giving me the pass." " For giving you" " Radar." " He didn't mean what he meant, sir." " I wantyou to sign my name." "I wantyou to sign my name." " Uh, sir, I have something" " Sir, I never signed" " Hey, hey" " Hey, hold it." " This is a hospital!" " I know." "I come here all the time." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." "Haven'tyou seen me here?" " Yeah, the doctoring Ward 'C"?" " Yes, ldid that wonderful appendectomy"