"Kick." "Okay, so, I'll drop you off at work, go to the dry-cleaners, and then take the Robertsons to go see some condos." " Sorry." "What's the plan?" " Oh, don't forget... we have to take the fryer grease to the dump." "Um, hello?" "Basketball game?" "Right." "So, dump, restaurant, cleaners, basketball game, condos." "_" "S02E03 Shaquille O'Neal" "Hurry up and eat breakfast while I shower." "I don't want to be late for work." "Make sure they don't turn their breakfast into curse words." "That just floated onto my spoon..." "I swear." "Relax." "I'm a cool dad." "Boys, you know how our anniversary is coming up?" " No." " Of course." "12 years..." "the silk and linen anniversary." "I finally figured out the perfect present for mom." "You say that every year." "Why do I want to watch money wilt?" "Interesting how you'll pay a stranger to cook for us, but you expect me to do it for free." "Beautiful." "Does it also come with a sign that says," ""cut my throat and take this"?" "I admit, your mother's difficult to shop for." "But I realized my mistake." "I need to give her a hot, romantic experience like I did on our wedding night." "I'm a little nervous." "Don't worry." "You're in good hands." "We need something to tie these to!" "Buying the van... that's how you spent your wedding night?" "Yep." "And this year, I'm gonna re-create the magic by taking her shopping for a second car." "Mom's never gonna go for that." "She hates spending money." "But she knows we need another car, and she loves negotiating." "Just to throw out another option... what if I told you there was a mode of transportation that is cheaper and way more fun?" "You kids want a summertime treat?" "It's too hot for hot dogs." "Is it?" "Whoa!" "It's the hot dogger!" "Now your favorite food is your favorite toy!" "You supply the buns!" "We're not getting that." "Don't worry." "You guys will be nice and cool in the air-conditioned luxury of this glamorous baby... a brand-new 1995 Honda accord in champagne pearl, the most elegant color in the neutral rainbow." "So you'd rather get a boring car?" "You know who doesn't think accords are boring?" "Your hero..." "Shaq." "That's right." "I'm taking your mom down to Shaquille O'Neal motors." "Why is Shaq selling a car he can't even fit into?" "Come along and ask him." "Dad, he's not gonna be there." "It's a licensing deal." "They paid the diesel a bunch of money to slap his name on something." ""Shaq Fu."" "Louis, please." "No anniversary presents this year." "Let's just go back inside and water the plants." "No, it's gonna be great." "Trust me." "Bye, boys." "Listen to grandma." "M'lady." "Ugh!" "Some old funyuns." "The romance is just beginning." "Don't wait up, boys." "We'll be gone for hours." "Sounds like it's time to party." " You got one, too?" " Mm-hmm." "Shampoo?" "I don't want to show up empty-handed." "Okay." "Uh-oh." "Here comes trouble." "Ooh-la-la." "Pert plus!" "Thank you!" "It bothf us." "What's this noise?" "Eddie, Emery," "I want you to meet Oinker, Frisky, Can-Do," "Tina Pham, Peanut, Shamus, Pi, and Wally-Wally." "Hello!" "Evan, I..." "Stop." "Are those beanie babies?" "Yes." "Meet Oinker, Frisky, Can-Do, Tina Pham," "Peanut, Shamus, Pi, and Wally-Wally." " You know these things?" " I collect them." "I have all of these, except that boring-looking unicorn with the tattered label." "But since we're friends," "I could take him off your hands for you." "For, wha like $10?" "$10?" "Those are limited editions." "Pocolltibles at the mall would pay a fortune for these." "Well, it's 10:00 A.M. and we already got beef." "Hmm!" "Excuse us." " Why did you say that?" " I don't know, it just cam out." "You better think befor you speak." "Louis, where are we going?" "You know I don't like surprises." "Sorry!" "I just forgot my keys!" "Surprise!" "Poor Mitch." "That was the day of his junior-college graduation." "Ah, here we are." "Shaquille O'Neal Motors." "Surprise!" "I know what you're thinking, but don't worry." "We can afford it." "Plus, you get to negotiate... just like on our wedding night." "Happy anniversary." "Hey!" "Hi." "My name's Clark." "Welcome to Shaq Motors." "How can I help you?" "Hello." "I'm Louis." "My wife and I are in the market for a new car." "That's wonderful, Louis." "Now, where is your lovely wife today?" "I know, I know." "She looks like my daughter." "Uh, okay." "What I'm trying to say is I don't see anyone with you." "What?" "Jessica?" "Where'd she go?" "Wives, huh?" "Too bad they don't come with six months of free lojack, like all the cars do here at Shaq Motors." "Yeah." "I've been looking all over for you." "I turned away for one second and you were gone." "What happened?" "I had to get out of there." "I just needed to get a drink someplace quiet where I wouldn't be bothered." "Usually when I'm at a bar," "Jewish guys are all over me, but not here for some reason." "This set of testicles bothering you?" "No, Deb." "He's just my husband." "Louis, sit down." "There's something I need to tell you." "Ooh, that conversation." "You're gonna need more chex mix." "I haven't been completely honest with you about our wedding night." "Mr. and Mrs. Huang, we've been negotiating for hours." "I'll knock off another $200, but that's the best I can do." "I accept your defeat." "How good does that look?" "Jessica Huang." "That's my wife." "I'm gonna go warm up our new van." "What a night!" "Don't feel bad." "You'll be able to tell your firstborn that you tangled with the best." "My firstborn is about all you left me with." "That and the floor mats." "Repeat that now, what you just said." "Oh, right here." "See?" "You opted out of the optional floor-mat option." "No." "That's it?" "Louis, I blew it!" "Free floor mats!" "That's the one thing dealers always throw in, and I missed it!" "I overlooked the most basic detail!" "You're overreacting." "It was just floor mats." "No, it wasn't just floor mats." "It was our wedding night." "It was the first thing that we did as a married couple, and I messed it up." "And every year, I'm forced to think about it." "So, what are we supposed to do?" "Just never get a new car ever again?" "If you want a car, get a car." "But I can't walk through those automatic glass doors again and be reminded of the biggest mistake of my life." "Well..." "You remember floor mats," "I remember the first time we signed our names together." "Band-aid's off, ney." "You did it." "Wiener-free since '83." "What are you doing?" "I figured out a way to get us the hot dogger." "We take these down to the mall and we sell them." "I don't know." "Do you think Evan's gonna be okay with this?" "He's fine with it." "I already asked him." "Hey, Evan, can I sell your beanie babies and use the money to buy a hot dogger?" "Yeah, that's a great idea, Eddie." "Why didn't I think of that?" "_" "Awesome." "Let's do it." "Okay, come on." "Well, it wasn't how I planned it, but I went and got the car by myself like you wanted me to." "These are real." "What's going on?" "I wanted to apologize." "You had no way of knowing how I felt, and you were jusying to do something nice." "Well, I shouldn't have walked out." "No, you shouldn't have." "Deb had to drive me home." "I sat in the back with her welding equipment." "She's very handy." "Her husband is lucky." "Come on." "Let me show you the new car." "* Yeah *" "I have to say, Louis, this is a fine machine." "The neutral luster is so elegant." "Champagne pearl?" "Good eye." "And check this out..." "the door..." "It works." "Convenient!" "A second car is going to make our lives so much easier." "Tell me..." "Did you get a good deal?" "I got a great deal." "I got that deal." "Paid sticker price and not a penny more." "I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy with the car." "But, you know, we stand by that 24-hour Shaq-isfaction guarantee." "And we are sorry that we don't feel like lighting money on fire." "Sticker price?" "Shame, Clark." "Shame." "Congratulations." "You did it." "What do you mean?" "They have to honor their return policy." "No, you said you could never go in another dealership again." "But you just walked through those automatic glass doors." "Only because I had to return a car that you paid way too much money for, which..." "You did on purpose to get me down here." "Let's do this again." "And this time, we won't miss a detail." "Oh, my God." "Are you all right?" "Did some saving?" "No." "We'd like to buy that car..." "Again." "So you wanna buy back the car you just returned?" "That's right." "Returner's remorse." "We get that all the time at Shaquille O'Neal Motors." "Once you go Shaq, you don't go back." "So, you know what?" "I won't shred this check you gave me, and we'll just... this check was for a new car." " That car is used." " Yeah, by you." "We don't know what's happened to it in the last five minutes." "Mm-hmm." "We want to talk to your manager." "The top guy's the only one who can authorize a better deal." "Well, you're in luck because I'm the top guy here." "You're the top manager?" "Working the floor?" "With those teeth?" "That's me." "Okay, looks like Clark wants to dance." "We want to take your car for a test-drive." "But you just drove it here." "Well, that was when it was a new car." "We don't know what's happened to it in the last... six minutes." "Time to knock back the roses." "Whoo-hoo!" "Hot dogger!" "Whoo!" "The hell?" "!" " Get in here!" " Okay!" "I can't believe dad finally got us the hot dogger!" "Dad didn't buy it." "We did." "With the money we got selling your beanie babies." "Repeat that now, what you just said." "You said you were cool with it." "Remember?" "It was when you were painting grandma." "Hey, Evan, can I sell your beanie babies and use the money to buy a hot dogger?" "Yeah, that's a great idea, Eddie." "Why didn't I think of that?" "Hear that, moon man?" "He's cool with it!" "It's pronounced "Moonman"..." "Les Moonman." "_" "Ohh." "It must have been a dream." "A dream?" "!" "I haven't painted grandma in months!" "But now we have the hot dogger!" "That's what we all wanted!" "So much better than dumb stuffed animals." "They weren't dumb stuffed animals." "They were my friends." "I did it for us!" "I'm so mad at you, Eddie." "I have to go meditate." "Good morning, sleepy head." "You were snoring." "Uh, sorry." "I've never fallen asleep on a test-drive before." "Where are we?" "See for yourself." "Those containers are full of 1996 Honda Accords." "We're at the docks in Tampa?" "That's an hour and a half away!" "It is beautiful this time of year." "The end of the model year, when you need to clear out the '95s to make room for the '96s." "Work paged me 13 times!" "My boss is gonna kill me." "Oh, your boss?" "I thought you were the manager." "Okay, fine, yeah." "I have a manager." "You can bet he's gonna want to talk to you two." "Perfect, because we want to talk to your manager." "Well, I heard you two had quite the test drive with Clark." "I-I've reviewed everything, and the lowest I can go is $21,000." "The lowest you can go, maybe." "We want to talk to your manager." "I am the manager." " That's what Clark said." " Well, I assure you I am." "And this is the best price you're gonna get." "Very shiny nameplate." "So either you're a neat freak, which I know you're not by the salsa stains on your shirt, or it hasn't had time to collect dust because you've only been here a few months," "making it unlikely you're the highest manager." "What can I say?" "I'm a wunderkind who likes wet burritos." "And who still needs a reminder to dial 9 to get an outside line?" "Well, William got me up to speed." "Now, I've reviewed everything, and the lowest I can go is $25,000." "Oh." "The silent treatment, huh?" "Well, it's not gonna work on me." "I thrive on silence." "_" "_" "Please stop fighting." "You're scaring the other customers." "$20,000 is the lowest I can go." "_" "_" "_" "Well, Randy filled me in here, and told me..." "You're the boy we took to Tampa." "But with a mustache." "I told them it wouldn't work, you know?" "It didn't work, guys!" "Let's just end this." "It's been a long day." "I'm tired." "You're tired." "I'm not tired." "I just took a nap right now while you were talking." "With my eyes open." "Look, I..." "$19,000 is the best I can do." "I've thrown in everything that I can." "Including floor mats?" "Yes, for the millionth time, including floor mats." "Do we have a deal?" "Oh, honey." "You did it." "Louis, thank you." "This was the best anniversary present ever." " Is something wrong?" " Why are you sweating?" "Uh, the air-conditioner's broken." "Where does that door go to... the one with the peeling paint?" "What?" "It's aup... supply closet." "A supply closet in a top manager's office?" "!" "Open it." "Why?" "!" "It... it's boring in there!" "We want to talk to your manager!" "I am the manager!" "Forget it!" "The offer is off the table." "You just blew the deal of a lifetime 'cause you can't get..." "Uh, mm-hmm." "Y-yes." "Yes." "Y-yes." "Uh..." "My manager would like to speak with you." "* Yeah *" "Shaquille O'Neal." "Congratulations." "No one has ever made it this far." "You are the final manager." "Yes, I am." "I sign off on every car that comes through this place." "I realized that if I put my name on a product," "I got to stand by it." "We don't want another..." ""Shaq Fu."" "Check out the latest endorsement I just had to reject..." "Shaq-uila." "Nice." "Basketball-shaped Tequila." "It seemed like a good idea at the time." "Uh, speaking of basketball, doesn't the season start in a couple weeks?" " Oh, yeah." " I mean..." "You look a lot bigger in person." "Well, wait till you see Charles barkley's fat ass." "I just have to skip third lunch." "I'll snap right back into shape." "Okay, enough basketball sports." "Let's talk business." "Yes, I heard you and Freddie talking behind the wall." "I'm very impressed, and for that," "I'll give you $500 off..." "$18,500." "$18,100." "$18,400." "$18,200 and free car washes for a year." "$18,250..." "And a pair of fuzzy dice for the rearview mirror." "Deal." "Let go of my hand, lady." "Just one more thing." "You got Shaq's autograph?" "!" "On his big shoe." "But I..." "I can't... no, wait." "I... yeah." "I got to calm this down." "I got to calm this mess down." "Oh, we'd take you to meet him, but he just left to clean up a big mess at Shaq Motors Nashville." "Some raccoons got into the Corollas." "That makes sense." "Shaq is great with animals." "At least I still got this tank!" "I can't wait to show Emery and Evan!" "You know, a few years from now, you can sell that thing for a lot of money." "It's not about the money." "I'd never sell this shoe." "It means way too much... to me." "My beanie buddies!" "Oinker!" "Tina!" "I know it was hard selling that shoe, but you did the right thing." "You're a good brother." "I had it in my hand." "I fit my entire face inside of it." "It smelled like pizza." "I love this car." "And no one made any money off of it." "So, I'll take the grease to the dump and then drop Eddie off at practice." "And I'll take Evan and Emery to the store, then we'll pick up grandma from the hand surgeon." "This car is too nice to drive." "Let's just all just jam in the van." "Take a knee." "We took a loss today, and there's no way around it." "Today, they were better than us." "But you know what?" "That's only one car." "Out there, there are 387 more new and pre-owned cars, each one of them looking for a warm garage to call home." "Who's gonna get them home?" "Is it you, Barbara?" "Randy?" "William?" "Freddie?" "As a matter of fact, Freddie, you're fired." "Get out." "Get out, Freddie!" "Okay." "I'm just playing, Freddie." "Sit down." " Sit down." "I'm just playing." " Okay." "But seriously, you've got to get your ass together." "Listen..." "I believe in what we're doing here, and I know you do, too." "Remember who you sell for." "Remember the name that's embroidered on the front of your shirts..." "Shaquille..." "Shaquille." " O'Neal..." " O'Neal..." " Motor Cars..." " Motor Cars." "Now say it together." "Shaquille O'Neal Motor Cars." "Thank you." "Raise this damn door!"