"Blackadder Films in association with Baldrick Dodgy Catering Co." "Presents" "The Final Episode of the Blackadder Family, who have forever been at the very centre of British history and Society." "BLACKADDER Back  Forth" "Well, isn't this splendid and absolutely tuffty !" "New-Year's Eve 1999, a new century and a new millennium." "Let's drink a great big slurpy toast to peace and understanding around the globe." "Bravo !" "After all, if history teaches us anything, it is that in the words of St. Burt:" ""What the world needs now, is love, sweet love"." "What total codswallop !" "If history has taught us anything, it is at the story of man is one long around of death and torture, and burning people as witches, just because they got a wart." "I'm sorry about the food, by the way." "Unfortunately my cook got invited to an orgy at Delia's Smith's house, and so our chef for this evening is the men who cleans out the septic tank." "Baldrick !" "My Lord ?" "God save us." "I trust you are all enjoying your food ?" "No, not actualy, Baldrick." "What is this for eating ?" "It tastes if some one with a bad chest cold as taken two spoonfuls of Benilin to loosen the phlegm and then, cough all over on an avocado." "Well funny you should said that sir, because ..." "Yes, all right, Baldrick, yes, thank you." "You may go now." "I believe you have got some other duties to attend to." "Oh yes." "Excuse me please everybody ..." "Now, where were we ?" "We were belly well toasting the future." "Yes." "And I suppose it might also would be a perfect time, to look to the past." "How awful ?" "!" "To look at the past." "You can't see something is already happened." "Unless you are on the lavatory." "Good point, Bish." "Yes, what is one got a time machine." "How likely is that ?" "Well - very likely it's actually Darling." "Because I've just built one." "Stuff and nonsense !" "I heard some rubbish in my time ... every time I open my mouth as a matter of fact, but a time maschine ?" "!" "It is just cobblers !" "I'm gonna show you it is not." "This is the original sketch-book by Leonardo Da Vinci." "And in the last year I my self have built a time maschine , to his exact specifications." "Ladies and gentleman, the greatest breakthrough in travel since Mr. Rodney Tricycle thought to himself" ""I'm bored with walking I think I invent a machine with three wheels and a bell, and name it after my self."" "Behold the time machine !" "Well glaze my nipples and call me Rita !" "It can't be real Blackadder." "It's a practical joke surely." "Certainly not." "When was the last time I played a practical joke ?" "Well that was the time you said you are dying of kidney failure and I donated one of my kidneys to save your life, and then you said it was an April fool and we had thrown my kidney away." "Well that has been the old hilarious practical joke, but not this time." "This is a working time machine." "And to prove it I suggest a wager." "I will bet you each 10000 pounds, that I can travel through time and bring back any items of historical interest witch you choose to nominate." "Darling ?" "Oh yes all right, if you can travel through time" "I will pay up." "So long as you bring with you a genuine roman centurion's helmet." "Very well." "A roman centurion's helmet !" "Live it." "It's much too easy !" "What about the actual" "Wellingtons, actually worn by Wellington on the day, he won the battle of Waterloo ?" "Lady Elizabeth would like the actual Wellingtons, worn by the duke Wellington on the day he won the battle of Waterloo." "Anyone else ?" "Oh yes !" "Oh yes I got one" " I want you to get oh I liked to see you get your hands on these - an ancient Viking's stinking pair of two hundred years old underpants." "18-centuries botty huggers, that's the ticket !" "Very well." "I should be on my way." "It will of course take no time at all at your time." "I should merely step in then would be a momently shattering, and I will emerge triumphant." "Fare well, dear friends !" "Well done Balders this is very impressive." "I'm sorry I didn't had the time to build it my self." "Don't worry my lord, I followed Mr. Da Vinci's instructions to the letter." "Even know you can't actually read." "That's right my lord but, but I have done a lot of air fix models in my time ..." "Right, here is the centurion's helmet ... and the boots ... excellent" "The underpants ... where the underpants ?" "Oh here you are my lord." "They my very best pant, and coincidently also my very worst." "So they are in fact, your only pair of underpants." "That is right my lord." "Just drop it in the bag !" "Oh my GOD !" "Right." "Lets get this stuff going, shell we ?" " Right my lord." "Ah ... yes ... all right ... shake it an other bit ..." "Make it them real- the best new years eve prank ever." "Here we go." "You hide there." "40000 pounds - here I come !" "Right ..." "Interesting ..." "What's my Lord ?" "Well ..." "For God's sake, do something , Baldrick !" "Something useful !" "Come on get Something just throw ..." "Shu, go on go away !" "Sod off !" "The underpants." "Try the underpants." "Bloody brontosaurus." "Him, not me !" " What ?" "Sniff my skirts !" "Fascinating." "One of history's great mystery is solved." "The dinosaurs were in fact wiped out by your pants." "Well Baldrick, this is a turn on for the books." "You have built a working time machine !" "And are therefore rather surprisingly:" "the greatest genius who ever lived." "Thank you very much my lord." " Right lets get out of here." "Should we ?" " No problem my lord." "Can you set the dates, so we can get home ?" "Yes, I just turn that there ... pull that there ... then we set that there ..." "Pull that handle there ..." "And the date should come up." "But unfortunately it doesn't because I was gonna write the numbers on a felt tip pen but I never got around to it." "Right." "So the date we are heading for is two watermelons and a bunch of cherries." "That is right my lord." "In other words, we can't get home." "No I such." "Excellent." "Rather a spectacular returned to form after the genius moment Baldrick." "Still ..." "I think someone with common sense ought to be able to resolve this." "All we got to do is to put these controls back to where they were when we first set off." "I think that was about there that is ... here ... and here ... there ..." "And that should get us home." "Excellent." "You threw away our winning items, but at least we are home." "Typical." "They must have got bored and went back for pudding !" "Right are you not getting to believe, but ..." "Ah, Lord Blackadder." "Elizabeth the First." "You wearing very weird clothes." "Do you looking what an old and ugly actually." "Is that right ?" "Of course it's right." "I'm always right." "Of course it's right." " Melchy ?" " Mam ?" "Edmund has been very cheeky." "Shall I laugh at him or chop his ugly head off ?" "Well one hates to be harsh mam, but I do think a bit of choppy choppy is the only apt reaction ?" "Very well." "Kill him !" "Unless of course Eddy if you got a present for me ?" "A present ?" "Yes, of certainly, your Majesty." "A present." "Quickly !" "I'm getting bored now." "Oh, yes." "Now ..." "Now, these may not look much." "They don't." "No, but I'm well ..." "let's say ..." "let's say that ... there was a place where you could buy absolutely everything." "We already have those Blackadder, and they called markets." "Right !" "Well imagine that, but times ten." "as it were a supermarket." "Now if you gave someone one of these supermarkets, this, he would give you some bonus points, which would mean," "that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans at half the normal price." "Kill him !" "No !" "There must be ... oh ..." "What are they ?" "Oh they are just sort of, sweets." "Minty things." "I want one !" "Yes, your majesty." "Oh, it's got hole in it." "No, they meant to be like that." "That's how they're made." "Blacky, you are so naughty !" "It's the tastiest thing in the history of the world !" "Try one, Melchy !" "What do you think ?" "Yes indeed, mam, it's most pleasant." "This is incredible, cause Melchy your mouth usually smells so badly, as if you have eaten a whole stew for your breakfast." "Well I am aware I have a less than orthodox mouthal odour, mam, yes ..." "Yes, well you don't smell like that anymore. you smell absolutely yummy now." "And that stunk like a turd." "Aww, what a pity !" "Well done Blacky, here take this !" "You sexy blood." "Oh ... thank you mam." "Now go forth and bring back lots more minty things," "In the next 5 minutes, or I come after you and crash your skull like an egg." "Certainly your majesty, I will right back, thank you very much." "Thank you." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I'm sorry." "Wait a minute ... you are not ..." "Will Shakespeare, yes." "And don't say it, I know you hated "Two gentleman of Verona" ." "This one is much better." "Well, bugger my giddy aunt !" "you you can just sign something for me, could you ?" "Oh certainly." "Sorry it's just a byroad." "Thank you." "Oh and just one more thing ..." "Yes ?" "That is for every school boy and school girl for the next 400 years" "Have you any idea how much suffering you going to cause ?" "Hours spent school desks trying to find one joke in "A Midsummer-night's dream"." "Years wearing stupid tights in school plays and saying things like "What hole my lord" and" ""oh look here comes the fellow" talking total crap as usual." "Oh, and that ... is for Ken Brannah's endless uncut 4 hour version of "Hamlet"." "Who is Ken Brannah ?" "I tell him you said that." "And I think you will be very hurt." "Right, let's get out of here, Baldrick." " Certainly, my lord." "Buy the way if we are enough lucky to get out of this alive," " Yes my lord ?" "remind me to kill you, will you ?" "Oh all right my lord." "Now it was down here, when we met with the dinosaur." "And it's in the middle now." "So why don't we try it here." "That should do the trick." "Hmm, yes I suspect it was a little too far forward." "Back !" "Back !" "Back !" "Oh God where are we now ?" "Oh dear, you think it's safe ?" "I don't know." "Does this look like a dangerous place to you Baldrick ?" "This empty wood ?" "Well well, what have we here my tough band of freedom fighters, who have good muscles and an own gay." "Oh God ..." "Look lads we've captured Lord Blackadder !" "Wait a minute ... aren't you Robin Hood ?" "Am I Robin Hood ?" "Is Bill Scarlet a puff in tights ?" "Is Brother Tuck a fat tub of lard with a ridiculous hair cut ?" "Is maiden Marion a hot little honey with thighs like two halves of a nut cracker ?" "Yes, I am ..." "Oh yes it's nice to meet you at last, because there is one question I've always wanted to ask you." "Fire away !" "One final question before impale you with my magnificent weapon ... and I'm not talking about my enormous ..." " Yes, yes." "I know you know." " Yes, all right. sorry." "What puzzles me is this : you rob from the rich." "Yes !" "That is right, yee." "And then when you rob the rich you give it ALL to the poor." "Yee !" "I love giving it to the poor !" "Whoof !" "Now that is the bit I don't understand." "You men are risk your lives in combat ?" "Yes !" "You risk certain death if you are caught." "Yes ?" "You live here in this forest in total squalor ?" "I mean, I hate to think what the toilet facilities alike around here ..." "Not, really nice actually." "And yet you still give every single penny to these so called poor." "Who just sit on their back sides all day ..." "Shut up now !" "laughing at you saying: "oh, we don't need to get to work today," "Robin Hood and his merry men will be along in a minute with a big pile of cash"." "I said shut up !" "I'm surprised they you don't call you "Robin Hood and his bunch of complete lunatics"." "Right." "That's it !" "Shoot him boys !" "I'm great and he is not !" "Robin Hood and his band of merry morons." "Ready ... aim ..." "Fire !" "Can I say that I think you made the right decision ?" "So do I, gorgeous." "Dim, dom ..." "Well maid Marion was pretty friendly." "So as Will Scarlet." "Really nice guy." "So the sooner we get home, the better." "We have started to affect history and that is dangerous." "We already wiped out the dinosaurs and killed Robin Hood" "God only knows what will happen next time." "My Lord Emperor, I'm the Duke de Darling bringing news." "The English have reached Waterloo." "Good !" "Prepare to attack." "Very well !" "But ... first I would like to ask ..." "Why do we want to invade Britain in the first place ?" "I mean their wine is made of the peepee of cows and their women all have big beards." "We invade Darling because the British think they are so tough !" "They think we French are sissies ... they call us weeds and whoopsies and big girls' blouses." "With respect my emperor, we are whoopsies." "and we invented the tapestry the soufflee and the sweet liqueur." "We will be slaughtered the minute we march up the hill." "Do not despair." "It is my firm belief that God hates the British." "He will intervene miraculously and send us a glorious victory on this field of Waterloo." "Oh Bravo !" "You wear lovely uniform today, by the way." "Oh thank you, I think it works." "Your grace the French are approaching." "Excellent." "I have a superb plan witch cannot fail, that will result in the complete destruction of the French army." "Oh splendid." "Well tell me at once your grace and I will spread the news to the troops." "Very well ... the plan is ..." "God I'm brilliant ... you know I'm surprise my self sometimes, I really do." "The plan is to allow the French to come within a hundred yards ... and then, this is the completely original and brilliant part:" " Yes ?" "then ..." "Your grace !" "Duke Wellington is dead !" "Wooops ..." "Alas ... without the plan the day is lost ..." "Pardon me." "Thanks very much." "May as well try and win that cash anyway." "Why don't we try pressing this button ..." "Well, fingers crossed ..." "What can you see, Balders ?" "People in very short skirts my lord." "Ah, excellent the 1960-s." "At last we are getting close." "I might stay a while actually, for a bit of hippy free love." "Not that free love would make a lot of difference to you, would it, Balders ?" "I mean what would a sheep do with money ?" "No girls in skirts my lord !" "Men !" "Ah Spandau Ballet, 1983 !" "I think not my lord." "Romans !" "We are still centuries out." "Come on lets go !" "Although I might just steal myself a roman helmet while we are here." "That's interesting." "The machine seams to seek out our DNA across time." " Just brilliant !" " What, oh centurion ?" "We are facing a horde of ginger maniacs with wild goats nesting in their huge orange beards, or to put it into another way: the Scots." "And how this our inspired leader Hadrian attend to keep out this vast army of lunatics ?" "By building a three foot high wall !" "A terrifying obstacle !" "About as frightening as a little rabbit with the word "boo" painted on its nose." "Oh come now centurion !" "I won't have that." "This wall is a terrific defending mechanism." "Why ?" "Surely not suggesting that a rubble of" "Scots could get the better of roman soldiers ?" "Welcome general." "Splendid !" "Good to see you practicing your English soldiers." "However- important news." "Rome is attacked from all sides and so far the Emperor's only response has been to poison his mother and marry his horse." "The senate is therefore withdrawing troops from Britain to defend our Imperial City." " Did you hear that, Balders ?" " Oh I certainly did, oh centurion." "Back to Rome at last." "Baaaah !" "It is interesting." "There appears to be a large orange hedge moving towards us." "That is not a hedge consul, that's the Scots." "Carry on." " Should we run my lord ?" " Yes." "Perhaps we could negotiate." "Last one there gets hacked to pieces by Rod Stewart's great-great grandfather !" "Let's get home, Baldrick." "We don't know where home is." "We are doomed to flow through time for all time !" "Why always me !" "Shut up, Baldrick." "Shut up." "There is one final thing to push, which may be our salvation   or not." "Because it is in fact a lollipop." "Raspberry flavoured my lord." "Oh god ..." "I'm gonna spend rest of my life in a small wooden room with two toilets and the stupidest man in the world." "Wait my lord - do not despair." "For I have a cunning plan." "Can I say I'm not optimistic Baldrick ?" "To be quite frank, my lord, neither am I. My family have never been very good at plans." "So my suitably low expectations :" "What is your cunning plan to get us home ?" "Well my lord you know are when people drown, their whole life flashes in front of them." "Yeeeess ?" "So if you would stuck your head in a bucket of water and didn't bring it out again, then your whole life would flash in front of you, and you'd see where all the knobs and levers were when we" "first set off, and then if you pulled your head out again just before you died, you could guide us home." "Baldrick, good plan." "With perhaps just one tiny modification." " How is it going ?" " I'm 18 years old, I have just left nursery school." "I'm 25." "I'm back at nursery school." " Got it !" " Very good." "I wish ..." "I wish I flushed the loo first." "Oh yes ..." "As we approach the end my lord, what do you think we have learnt on our great journey ?" "Good question Baldrick." "I suppose I have learnt that I must buy you a much stronger mouth-wash for Christmas, this year." "How about you ?" "Oh I don't know, I suppose I have learnt that human beings have always been the same." "Some nice, some nasty, some clever, some stupid." "There is always a BlackAdder and there is always a Baldrick." "Yes very profound, Baldrick." " Also it is occurs to me ..." " Oh God, there is not more is it ... if you are in the right place at the right time then every person has the power to go out and change the world for the better." "God you really are as thick as clotted cream, that's been left out by some clot until the clots are so clotted up you couldn't unclot them with an electric de-clotter." "Aren't you Baldrick ?" "Real change come some huge social, economic things, that individuals has no effect on." "Unless you are a king or prime minister or something." "Oh yes." "I suppose they can make a difference." "But for the rest of us, all we can do in life, is to try to make a bit of a cash." "Witch is what I intend to do right now." "Hang on ... did you see ?" "God lord Blackadder, what happened there ?" "Yes everything went sort of ... so quickly ..." "I have in fact, returned from the past." "Oh please ... you surely don't expect us to believe that Blackadder ?" "Clearly that is all some sort of cheap conjuring trick." "On the contrary, Darling." "Well bravo, with big brass bells on !" "And there is a little bonus - the crown of Queen Elizabeth the First of England." "It fits !" "Well done Balckadder !" "Well tell me, all this stuff about changing history with the time travel ... you must have had to be damnsome careful !" "Oh, I was." "Very careful." "So BlackAdder, tell us, did you, did you hang out with any big time celebs ?" "Well yes I was actually." "For example this belongs to non other then Robin Hood." "Ha ?" "Who ?" "Robin Hood." "Never heard of him you'll have to do better then that BlackAdder." "Right." "So you never heard of Robin Hood ?" " No." "Well this is the title-page from "Macbeth", signed by Shakespeare him self." "Oh no no no." "Come on you heard of Shakespeare !" "He is the fellow who invented the ballpoint pen." "Yes, well I might had an effect on one or two things, but nothing important." "Well never mind Blackadder you certainly want your bet." "So here it is your 10000 franks." "And jolly well deserved to." "What do you mean: franks ?" "What do you mean: "What do I mean: franks" ?" "Surely you meant 10000 pounds." "Pounds ?" "We have not used them for 200 years." "Not since the Emperor Napoleon won the battle of Waterloo." "Which reminds me, it's time for us to get to the television." "Monsieur Le Président will be broadcasting from Versailles at any moment." "Are you coming ?" "Oh no." "I might just go on one final little trip." "Oh no." "Don't go." "You haven't had a bite of the delicious garlic pudding yet." "After which I'm doing a pertty-pertty ballet." "Right." "That is it." "Come on, Balders." "We got to save Britain." "I thought I just drop in to wish you good luck with the battle." "You can't loose." "Hello Darling." "There is one question I always wanted to ask you." "Yes ?" "How come you so great ?" "Because I'm mean." "I'm a very big fan, Bill." "Thank you." "Keep up the good work. "King Lear", very funny." "God lord Blackadder, what happened there ?" "And here a front-page of "Macbeth" signed by Shakespeare him self." "Oh my God !" "That's better." "Well done, Blackadder !" "But what about this stuff about changing history through time travel - you must have had to be damnsome careful !" "Oh, I was." "Very, very careful." "Hmph intriguing thought actually isn't it ?" "You know the smallest thing can change history." "Imagine if Wellington would died before battle Waterloo - we would all be French." "Or if someone hadn't invented the deodorant we would be smelling." "The tiniest thing and effect the course of human history." "Think what turmoil an unscrupulous person could meet." "Yes ..." "Could you excuse my for just five seconds ?" "Yes." "Absolutely." "Why don't you just go upstairs and watch television ?" "I will be back very very soon." "Huh splendid, but do hurry Blackadder, don't want to miss the big shindig at midnight." "Don't worry I'll be back." "Baldrick, I have a very very very cunning plan." "Is it cunning as a fox what used to be professor of cunning at Oxford University but has moved on and he is now working for the UN and the High Commission of International Cunning Planning ?" "Yes it is." "It's cunning ..." "Right here goes." "And now excitement is reaching fever pitch, as the final guest of honour arrived at the day." "Many of the crowd have been here uninterrupted for 36 hours waiting for this moment." "And I'm sure they wont be disappointed, as the great car sweeps into view." "Because here at last is the King him self !" "King Edmund the III, universally loved, 98% approval rating across the country." "With him, his gorgeous new bride Queen Marion of Sherwood, the nations most famous beauty, beloved by all." "And here to greet them, is the prime minister unmarried of course, but now entering his fifth term of office." "the relationship between the king and his first minister particularly close nowadays since the dissolution of Parliament 2 years ago, and what a great partnership these two have become, leading Britain magnificently into a prosperous and triumphant new millennium."