"So, let's take a look at what's going on around the country." "You know what?" "Just bear with me while I take off these annoying pants." "Looks like Scotch Wilkinson had a liquid lunch again." "(chuckling)" "Another hurricane is headed for the tropics." "Maybe they'll name this one after my ex-wife." "Call it Hurricane Bi..." "(steady beep tone)" "ANNOUNCER:" "If you're gonna spend two months' salary on a ring, you want to blow your girl's mind." "(sighs) You know what really makes my head explode?" "The way society has conditioned women to base their self-worth on their engagement ring." "I mean," "I'm a free-thinking woman." "I'm not one of Pavlov's dogs." "(timer dings)" "Ooh, cookies are ready." "(chuckles)" "You're not buying any of that" ""I don't want a ring" stuff, are you?" "No, I think that's really how she feels." "I know I haven't given you a lot of fatherly advice, but I can't let you make this mistake." "You got to buy Sabrina an engagement ring." "Whoa, but they are so expensive." "You have to do whatever it takes." "I busted my butt doing extra work for your mother's ring." "What kind of work?" "Extra work." "T.J. Hooker was filming in town." "They paid me 50 bucks a day to lay in a creek full of small but very angry turtles." "It was awful." "Two things I learned:" "Captain Kirk cannot remember his lines and he is not a hugger." "But it doesn't matter." "It was worth it." "Your mother loves that ring." "Maybe you're right." "MAW MAW:" "Of course he's right." "A nice diamond ring gives you something pretty to focus on when your fat, sweaty husband's wheezing on top of you like a dying walrus." "Whoo!" "(chuckling)" "That never gets old." "(snorts) I was telling Jimmy how hard I worked for your..." "Hey, where's your engagement ring?" "Oh, I always take it off when I wash the dishes." "It's probably by the sink." "You're gonna go get it, right?" "I'll grab it in the morning." "I never wear it at night." "But it'd be safer in your jewelry box." "I'll go get it." "No, I'll get it." "I..." "(sneezes)" "(coughs)" "It's not there." "But I just remembered that we're about to clean a really nasty house last week, so I left it in Rosa's car." "Big Judy." "I need my ring back." "Burt saw I wasn't wearing it." "Oh, you poor baby." "I've pawned this thing, like, 50 times and he's never noticed." "Stupid Jimmy and his engagement." "So, do you think I could possibly, just this once, get the ring from you today and then I'll pay you on Friday when I get my check?" "I can do a lot of things." "I can carry a refrigerator on my back." "I can recite pi up to 20 digits." "And I'm a hell of a ventriloquist." "But I can't give you your ring back early." "Oh, come on." "You know I'm good for it." "Sorry." "I'm a businesswoman," "Virginia." "When you bring me my money, I'll give you your ring." "The fertility clinic is paying 50 bucks for every donation." "Nothing says romance like buying your fiancée a ring with money you earned by knocking up dozens of lesbians." "Did you find the ring?" "I did one better." "I found your favorite... double-battered onion rings!" "Oh, my God." "You lost your engagement ring." "Calm down." "Look, I take it off all the time." "It'll turn up." "I guarantee you" "I will find that ring by Friday." "I can't just sit around here and wait." "I went through a lot to get you that ring." "I got hepatitis C from one of those T.J. Hooker turtles." "We need to start retracing your steps." "You've been on this couch, right?" "I found it." "The ring?" "No." "A position I'm qualified for:" "Psychological and Medical Research Guinea Pig." "Look at this cute cartoon of a patient on a gurney with dollar signs for eyes." "That could be me!" "Okay, Mr. Chance." "And which of these flowers do you find prettier?" "That one?" "(zapping) (shouting)" "Okay." "I think we're all about done here." "I'll be right back with your check." "(sighs)" "MAN:" "Okay, let's get started here." "Why are you naked?" "Because you told me to get naked." "No, I didn't." "Yes, you did." "And then you shocked me." "A lot." "(both sigh)" "Hubert, stop stealing my white coats and scaring people." "I'm sorry." "This is my brother." "He's supposed to be staying in my car while I work." "I'm not supposed to be staying in your car." "You're supposed to be staying in my car." "I'm the doctor." "BOTH:" "Jimmy, which one of us is the real doctor?" "I don't know." "(zapping) (grunting)" "Hmm." "Interesting." "Hmm." "Interesting." "(sighs) Come on, Burt." "You can't tear apart the whole house." "I need to take a shower." "The ring could be in here, Virginia." "Just let me look." "Babe, we need our bathroom back." "My 86-year-old grandmother's outside peeing in the neighbors' bushes." "One thing has nothing to do with the other, Virginia, and you know it." "(sighs) This is insane." "We can't tear apart the whole house." "When the Bronsteins bring over their tomatoes this year, they go straight in the garbage." "Burt, please don't drive yourself crazy over this." "I promise you the ring will turn up." "I'll take this one." "You got to be kidding me." "800 bucks?" "I mean, that's too much." "Can't you cut me a deal?" "Nope." "That's one of my top earners." "I've bought and sold that from the same person over 20 times." "Who'd be stupid enough to keep buying the same ring?" "I can't tell you that." "When I became a member of the Pawnshop Owners Association," "I took an oath of confidentiality." "I could lose my license." "All I can say is you couldn't get me to tell you if you dragged me from here to Virginia." "Not a chance." "You hear what I'm saying to you?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You can't help me." "You don't have to be a jerk about it." "(door opens)" "Hey." "Is your mom home?" "I'm dying to know if she found her ring." "I haven't seen her." "Well, I guess I'll work out." "Get rid of some of this nervous energy." "What's going on there?" "Oh, I didn't make enough money from the shock tests to pay for the ring, so I got to do some more experiments." "It's actually really important work, and I'm gonna be able to help people." "I'm getting paid to test this new anti-seizure mouth spray." "But you don't get seizures." "Well, apparently seizures are a side effect for these pills that I'm also being paid to take." "You really took my advice and went for it." "I'm proud of you." "(clattering) Look at you." "Doing whatever it takes!" "(phone ringing)" "Hello?" "BIG JUDY:" "You better collect some cash and get your butt down here." "Somebody is interested in buying your ring." "Who?" "Now, you know I can't tell you that." "You may think I'm a son... of a bitch, but there's no way you can jimmy the information out of me." "You see where I'm going with this?" "Of course." "I'm not dumb." "You're not gonna help me." "(sighs)" "VIRGINIA:" "I wouldn't risk someone else buying that ring." "I had to do whatever it took to get it back." "That meant getting in and out of the house without anyone noticing." "♪" "(sighs)" "Works fast." "Tastes minty." "Come on, those candlesticks got to be enough." "Not quite." "(sighs)" "That is a rare director's cut edition of Cujo on VHS." "It's only 20 minutes long." "I guess he didn't think much of the dog's performance." "Someone definitely is gonna want to buy 20 minutes of Cujo." "What else you got?" "That thing work?" "It gets hot." "Hot is good." "You got a deal." "Burt, what happened?" "We got robbed, Virginia." "Somebody came into this house." "Took several odds and ends." "Bastards even got some knickknacks." "Like what?" "So far we know they got our toaster, our copy of Cujo, and Maw Maw's candlesticks." "VIRGINIA:" "How could you even notice that stuff was gone?" "How could I not?" "They're all part of my workout routine." "BURT:" "I like to start my workout with some air-drumming." "And then when I'm loose," "I usually up the weight with Maw Maw's candlesticks." "But today the candlesticks were gone." "So I decided to skip my drumming and go straight to my bicep curls." "Normally, I use the toaster as a flex mirror when I do my soup and sauce curls." "But today I couldn't find the toaster anywhere." "And I couldn't use the bathroom mirror because I didn't think of that until just now." "So I decided to move straight to my TV squats." "I keep track of my reps by reading off the names of tapes." "Children of the Corn." "Halloween." "I arrange them by the ferocity of the killer." "Friday the 13th." "And today, when I got to Cujo and it wasn't there," "I realized the candlesticks and the toaster weren't just missing..." "We got robbed!" "We got robbed!" "I heard you the first time." "Oh!" "There you are!" "(laughs)" "Hello, Ross." "Hello, sweet Virginia." "Is this really necessary?" "That stuff was only worth $78.25." "Um... or so." "Now, normally we don't dust for prints on stolen VHS tapes, but since it's you, I did." "Plus, I dusted the whole house because it needed it." "I'm the kind of guy who's not afraid to do household chores." "The little guy's been awesome." "I never saw Kindergarten Cop, but I assume this is what he was like." "Oh, I'm just getting warmed up." "Once the judge gets out of his Zumba class," "I'm gonna get him to sign some warrants so that we can search local pawnshops." "I'm gonna go see if there's anything else missing." "I counted 17 pairs of underwear in your drawer." "If it should be more, let me know." "(barking)" "Big Judy, I need all my stuff back." "Here." "Take the ring." "Girl, you lose this ring more than Bilbo Baggins." "Oh..." "Maw Maw must have put them in there." "She's always doing something crazy." "I agree." "That old lady's a nut." "Every time I go in the bathroom," "I catch her above the sink trying to copy everything I do." "Case... closed." "Unless you guys want to look around, make sure nothing else is missing." "Virginia's engagement ring is missing." "ROSS:" "Missing?" "Or deliberately hidden because there's a little trouble in paradise?" "There's no trouble, Ross." "It's just missing." "But we don't know that." "I mean, originally you said you left it by the kitchen sink." "Maybe you did, and somebody came in here and took it!" "I'm gonna go hit the local pawnshops." "My phone has an app that lets me know where they all are." "That's a picture of you in your underpants on a fur rug." "What?" "Oh... (laughs)" "That's peculiar." "How'd that get there?" "What the hell?" "(gasps)" "What the hell?" "What are you doing?" "Were you stealing that painting?" "I am not stealing it." "I am borrowing it to pawn so I can get my engagement ring back." "I already took all the good stuff out of my house and it backfired." "What are you doing?" "If you must know, my family has a little bit of a body hair issue." "And believe me, this is nothing." "I got an aunt that looks like Borat." "You get weirder and weirder every week." "Does Jimmy know about this?" "No, of course not." "Good, so here's the deal:" "you let me pawn this stuff and Jimmy never finds out that he's marrying into the Sasquatch family." "Fine." "Clay Aiken!" "Hey, Sabrina." "You bring some hair to sell?" "Uh... not-not today." "Don't need it." "This has to be worth enough to get my ring back because these are real fake breasts." "Mm-hmm." "I'll give you $200 for these." "Yes!" "But it doesn't matter 'cause somebody done came and bought your ring." "What?" "No!" "That can't be true." "(gasps softly)" "It's the exact cut and clarity of the kidney stone I passed in 2008." "Someday, some lucky girl is gonna get my wiener diamond." "How are you gonna give it to her?" "Well, I was thinking about getting down on one knee and then slowly opening the box." "Dude, that is the missionary position of proposals." "You gotta do better than that." "You're right." "I can't just hand it to her." "That's lame." "Well, luckily for you," "I've spent a lot of time thinking of cool ways to propose to Sabrina." "Three of them can be done in this store." "Do you know any members of the band "The Knack"?" "And would Sabrina be willing to change her name to "Sharona"?" "No." "All right, two of them can be done in this store." "Okay." "One more glass of wine and then I'll have the courage to tell Burt" "I lost my engagement ring." "First of all, that's tequila." "Here's an idea." "You think Burt would notice if we got a ring that kind of looked like yours?" "Of course not, he's a guy." "They can identify our nipples from 40 feet away through a wool sweater, but they have no idea what our rings look like." "So why not try this?" "Because I'll know." "Oh, I love that ring." "Burt worked so hard to get it." "And it's always been there for me, whether I needed to look at it to remind myself how much he loved me... (voice breaking):" "...or pawn it to pay for groceries." "Oh, I can't believe it's gone." "Oh." "I was sure it was safe to pawn because it's so cheap and dinged up, I... and I knew no one else would ever want it." "(sighs)" "That's sweet." "I mean, it's not just a ring; it... kind of represents your marriage." "Why?" "Because no one would ever want it?" "No, no, just the opposite." "All I want is a marriage like yours." "One of the reasons I fell in love with Jimmy is the possibility of getting that." "That's why you fell in love with him?" "Because Burt and I have never been able to figure that one out." "Hey!" "There you are." "Uh, Sabrina, would you do me the honor of reaching your hand into this barrel and grasping a pickle?" "No, old people are always sticking their wrinkly hands in there." "It's gross." "Listen." "I was just with your mother and I realized that an engagement ring is more than just metal and a stone." "I know what I said before, but if you got me one," "I wouldn't complain." "Oh." "(giggles softly)" "Hey!" "Ow!" "What the hell?" "Congratulations!" "I'm sorry, I'm gonna need that ring back." "Where's Sabrina?" "I can't give her this ring, Frank." "Why n... (snorts)" "Why not?" "Because when she didn't want a ring, this dinky little thing would have been fine." "It's better than nothing." "But now that she actually wants a ring," "I'm gonna have to do better than this." "Excuse me." "Hey, Big Judy," "I have to sell this ring back." "(falsetto voice):" "Busted, dirtbag!" "(normal voice):" "I mean, "Busted, dirtbag!"" "You're under arrest for trafficking in stolen property." "What?" "Oh, no..." "this is all my fault." "That's what I was hoping." "Don't worry; once you're in jail with your son," "I'll be here to comfort Virginia." "I didn't break any laws." "I just told Jimmy to do whatever it takes to get a ring." "I bet Virginia really did leave hers in the kitchen and Jimmy grabbed it." "And then to cover his tracks, he lied about doing medical testing." "Oh, that boy may not be good at a lot of things, but he sure can fake a seizure." "Maybe that'll help him in prison." "Bail is set for $500." "That's a lot of lettuce." "Street talk for "cash."" "Where the hell am I gonna get that kind of scratch?" "What's "scratch"?" "I need to pawn this." "You white folks and high cholesterol are gonna be the end of me." "How many times do I have to tell you I didn't steal the ring?" "I paid for it with my medical research money." "Well, hopefully they were looking for a cure for lying!" "This is crazy!" "Burt..." "I have to tell you something terrible." "It's really, really bad." "Virginia, hey." "I found your ring." "How did you...?" "Well, I was at the new house and I just found it underneath a chair." "Oh, my God, that's so great!" "Oh, but I have to go talk to Jimmy." "Oh, what was the terrible news you wanted to tell me?" "I... heard an awful tabloid rumor about John Travolta, but it's probably better if you don't hear it." "Say no more." "La-la-la-la-la... (whispering):" "How did you get this?" "Big Judy told me somebody returned it." "I've been taking her ventriloquism class down at the community center." "(choking on water):" "I'm getting pretty good." "(chokes, coughs)" "(groans) Dad, it's okay." "No, it's not." "I should have believed you when you said you didn't steal it." "I don't want to think about what happened to you in prison." "I was on a bench at the police station." "They gave me a sandwich." "Turkey." "Don't try and spare my feelings, Jimmy." "I don't deserve it." "Tomorrow, you and I are gonna go down to that lab and do whatever tests they have." "I'll never be able to get you your innocence back, but I can at least help you get the money for another ring." "You don't have to do this, Dad." "No, I want to." "I'm not scared of a little scientific testing." "Think we'll actually feel our testicles recede into our abdomens?" "Well, the pamphlet says it would feel like two hot air balloons floating up into the sky." "I think I'm gonna go into the bathroom, say good-bye to them one more time." "You know, wish them a safe trip in case I don't see them for a while." "Godspeed, Heckle and Schmekel." "Jimmy..." "I've been thinking." "I want you to give my ring to Sabrina." "Well, you can't do that." "It's your ring." "So, now it'll be a family ring." "I want to pass it down to you." "And someday, you can pass it on to Hope." "That's more special than any ring you can buy." "And I happen to know that this is exactly the kind of ring Sabrina wants." "Thanks, Mom." "That's sweet." "Oh, I'm glad you caught me before I took those pills." "Hey, why are you guys hugging?" "JIMMY:" "Usually, when you get advice from a lot of different people, they can't all be right." "Oh..." "JIMMY:" "But this time they were." "Dad was right that Sabrina really wanted an engagement ring." "Burt was right that how you present the ring is as important as the ring itself." "And Mom was right about how much Sabrina would like getting her ring." "And it turns out those guys at the medical lab were right about those side effects." "How far up do you think they went?" "Ah..." "Oh..." "Right about here."