"I've said it before, but it's obvious" "I'm going to have to say it again." "Producing a quality television program demands discipline, a sustained level of professionalism and focus." "If you're gonna sit around all day with your thumb up your ass, sooner or later that will impact the show." "Why don't you get me the, um, this roll-up sweater." "Oh, that's nice." "That's a nice one, huh?" "Yeah." "What color?" "In, uh..." "I don't know." "Arthur, I called to confirm sigourney weaver for tonight like you asked." "Great." "She canceled." "Her kid is sick." "I hate when people use their children as an excuse." "Mary Lou, that's the reason people in Hollywood have kids." "Now I'm gonna let this pass this time because you're new, but from now on don't you ever come in here and discuss a cancellation in front of Larry, because it makes him upset." "Can't you see that?" "You know what looks great?" "This woodland jacket in, uh, in oyster." "OK." "But you don't have to worry because there's no problem." "Sigourney weaver's agent is also angie dickinson's agent." "And they said she would love to do the show." "Wow." "Angie dickinson." "Boy, I'd like to have that police woman put me in a choke hold." "You know, frisk me, baby." "Whoa, do I have a concealed weapon for you." "Shut up, Hank." "Officer, officer, turn off that siren and let's fuck." "OK, come on." "The meeting is over." "Let's get out of here." "Chop, chop." "But I have some old business." "Chop, chop." "Which color?" "I think we should get all of them." "OK." "Finis." "L..." "I don't think he's done, Arthur." "He's done." "I was just..." "I was just finishing." "I was just getting some sweaters." "We have a real problem here, Larry." "What?" "You think I'm ordering too much?" "It's... it's just..." "I was just getting to the jacket..." "Larry, have you ever had a woman... you know, any woman..." "that had such a... strange power over you that, uh, she scrambled your brains to make you so hot that all you can do is think with your dick?" "You're gonna have to be more specific." "I have a woman like that." "Her name is angie dickinson." "You used to date her, right?" "Yes and no." "What does that mean?" "Well, we had a lot of hot sex, but we never left the house." "I mean, when I'm around angle," "I just can't help myself." "She's like a siren calling for me to smash my nuts upon the rocks." "I mean, angie's like, you know... she's like, uh, booze to me." "The only difference with angie is I..." "I don't know when to stop." "Ha!" "OK, it's not that different." "But will you just help me with this one?" "Bump her?" "No." "Just bump her." "She's a great guest." "But I can't be alone with her." "You can't leave me alone with her." "That's what I'm asking you to do, OK?" "Will you just do this favor for me this one time, buddy?" "I'm serious." "OK." "You got it." "All right." "You're a peach." "Thanks." "So, yeah." "Beverly, bring... bring the catalog back in, please." "What the fuck, man?" "He's been in there for 10 minutes." "What's he doing?" "Maybe I should go in and check." "Don't go in there." "Oh, come on." "No, you're gonna make him really uncomfortable." "Hi, Mr. Rickles, I'm..." "I'm Brian." "I'm, uh, Hank's assistant." "Oh, hi." "Nice to meet you." "Yeah, I'm Phil." "Uh, I'm the head writer." "Oh, hello, Phil." "How you doing?" "Fine, thanks." "Nice to meet you." "Yeah, we're really, really big fans of yours." "Yeah." "You're the king." "I don't know about the king, but thanks so much." "It's nice to hear." "Hey, could you insult us?" "Oh, not really, you know, I don't do that." "You know, I do that for, you know, when you get paid." "Oh... oh, I know, but just... just a little one." "No, not really." "You see, what I... what I really like to..." "I like to relax before I do the show, you know?" "You understand?" "We were just hoping, like, maybe one little zinger." "Just, you know, call me a hockey puck." "Well, hey." "Just one." "Oh, please." "It would really mean a lot to us." "You really want it?" "Please." "You want it?" "Both barrels?" "Yes." "Yeah." "You must have come out of your mother on an angle and hit the wall." "You got a funny-looking body." "And get rid of that little fag cadet suit you're wearing with all those buttons." "I like the teeth." "There's a new thing out called the dentist." "You go see him." "Your teeth are starting to go bad." "I'm a friend." "Really going bad." "Get the hands out of the pockets, huh?" "You're gonna go blind." "You don't need that." "I like your smile." "Thanks." "Are you a queer?" "No." "Hey, you're not in the life." "Not the last time I checked." "I'll do the funny stuff." "Shut up." "You're getting on my nerves." "OK, guys, that's it." "I've had it with you guys, OK?" "Thanks." "That was great." "Thanks a lot." "You liked it?" "Yeah, you were great." "Yeah." "There he is!" "Mr. Warm!" "Hi, Hank." "Hi." "Good to see you." "How goes it?" "Listen, uh, don, uh, could you do me a Mitzvah?" "Um, that, um..." "that thing you did?" "That voice thing?" "Disney, uh, the toy, uh... toy story." "Toy story." "Uh, I can't get my foot in the door at disney." "It's like I shit in pluto's dish or something." "Could you maybe talk to somebody over there?" "Maybe mention Hank Kingsley's name?" "Yeah, I can make a call." "Oh, man, you are..." "you're the... you're just the best." "Don, I..." "I don't know if we've ever talked about this, but, um," "I knew television was in deep, deep trouble the day they took c.p.o. Sharkey off the air." "You know?" "Because what I feel is the... it was just such a loss for all of us, you know?" "We're back with don rickles." "Now during the commercial break you were referring to that... what is that word you used that refers to someone who's asking for too much?" "What is it?" "It's called a chazzer." "What is that?" "Is that a..." "how do you spell that?" "What am I, with the mossad?" "I don't know." "I just..." "I didn't..." "I heard you use the word, and I didn't know what it meant." "Well, when it's a Jew hour, we'll talk about chazzer." "Here's a man that's a nebbish." "Right." "And that is a... that means, as you can see, does nothing, just sits there and smells his hand." "And that's a nebbish?" "That's a nebbish." "Should we move on?" "Do you want to stay for angie dickinson?" "Are you kidding?" "I wouldn't miss it." "Have you seen how that woman looks?" "Are you crazy?" "Please welcome the very beautiful angle dickinson." "Angie." "Thank you." "You know, I meant to say I'm sorry to keep you waiting while don and I rambled." "Uh, but he was hot and he was on, and the audience, you know, loves him." "Well, yes." "Well, I do, too." "Don't you?" "Look at that." "So... so you mentioned that you were, uh... something about ireland?" "Yeah." "Well, I made a..." "a picture over there." "What picture was that?" "It was called the sun, the moon, and the stars." "And that was in ireland?" "In ireland, and I have a wonderful story that happened on the set, but, you know, it might be a little too long to tell, but I... how much time?" "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "How much time do we have, Artie, before we go to a commercial?" "Oh, Artie." "There you are." "Yeah." "Do... do you know that your producer is a very sexy man?" "Yes, the entire band kind of... why don't we hose these two down before they're out of control?" "I think you've been hiding from me." "Oh, I could never hide from you, my dear." "Artie, forget about it, huh?" "You're old." "It's over." "Go out to the cemetery and pick out a plot." "Don't pick on him." "He's really sexy." "Oh, well, it's a matter of taste." "I never embraced him." "I have my girl." "We'll take a break and we'll come right back." "No flipping." "Angie, I'm gonna have a p.a. Come and get the rest of your things." "Thank you, beverly." "You sure that's not too heavy?" "Oh, no." "It's fine." "Ooh." "OK." "Thanks!" "Hey, I just wanted to tell you how great you were tonight." "Thank you for doing the show." "Just terrific." "I had a wonderful time." "You're welcome back any time." "Oh, thank you." "I wonder if I could see Artie before... oh, you know, he's just doing some post-show stuff, and I, um... he wanted me to say good-bye and thank you... as do I." "Well, you know, I..." "I've known him a long time." "Yes, I know." "We met in new York city." "I know." "He's a very special man." "Yeah." "He is." "You sure... oh!" "Oh, my God." "You... oh... mmm... excuse me, Larry." "I'm sorry." "It's all right." "It's OK." "I'm sorry." "I'll put my things away." "It's all right, buddy." "We can..." "I just want to have a proper couple minutes with angie." "We haven't seen each other for a while." "Again, you were just great." "Thank you." "And I wish... oh, God." "Let me talk to you." "I want to talk to you about something." "Yeah, I want to talk to you about some of... yeah." "Please." "Yeah." "Thank you, thank you." "Some of the monologue stuff." "Forgive me." "Please forgive me." "He's just thanking her for doing the show." "Mr. Rickles did toy story for us." "He was..." "he was fantastic." "So when he called and mentioned your name, we thought, uh, what an interesting idea." "Well, I've always wanted to, uh, work with disney, you know." "I once sat next to Michael eisner on a plane." "Is that right?" "No, no." "Not really." "Uh, he'd been on the plane the flight before mine." "You could still feel the eisner in the air." "Right." "Um... should we... sure." "You want me to read the part of hercules, huh?" "Maybe I should have let my, uh... my hair grow out." "I'm sorry?" "Hercules." "He let his hair grow out." "And, uh, you know, when they cut it, he was weak." "That's samson." "I don't think so." "Let's give it a shot." "Um, this is the scene now where hercules sets off to perform the first of his 12 labors." "Is he a gynecologist?" "That's very good." "Thank you." "Uh, any questions?" "Do I get the part?" "Joking, joking." "Let's give it a shot." "Let's get ready to rumble!" "All set?" "Mm-hmm." "Hank Kingsley, uh, hercules, take one." "Page 3." "Hear me now, my father." "Take over, take over." "Take 2." "Hear me now, my father." "Hear me now, o great and mighty zeus, eurystheus sends me to kill the terrible lion of nemea, a beast no weapon can wound." "But I shall wound it, and I shall kill it." "And it shall be done with my two hands." "Only for with the aid of my new friends grela the magpie and tivius the Beaver, there is no labor that can defeat the good and powerful hercules." "Coming." "Yeah, I know it's late, but I..." "I just gotta talk to you." "Yeah, well, you know, it's late." "What is it?" "Yes, uh, you know, I'm sorry about pushing you out and giving you the bum's rush out of angie's dressing room." "It's fine." "I'm that way when siegfried and Roy are on." "It's fine." "Really." "I mean, don't worry about it." "I swear..." "Larry?" "Is something wrong?" "Oh, gee, I'm sorry." "I didn't know you had anybody here." "Uh, ahem, Artie, this is, uh, this is Laura leighton." "Uh, Laura, this is Artie." "Hi." "Nice to meet you." "Oh!" "Melrose place." "Hey, you're wonderful." "I watch it." "I'm just hooked." "Hey." "Yeah, we're not on..." "we're not on the show now." "Right." "Right." "Nice to see you." "I'm sorry, I didn't know you... you were here." "Yeah, that's all right." "Um, if you will excuse me, I will be in the kitchen." "OK, I'll be..." "thank you very much." "We'll be just one minute." "Just a minute." "I'm glad you got something going on." "Oh, you know, I'm..." "I'm crazy about her." "Well, then you'll understand" "I'm on the way to the airport." "I just wanted to say good-bye before I left." "Where are you going?" "Italy." "Angie's got a villa in venice and she asked me to stay with her there and I gotta go." "I just can't help myself." "I know it's wrong, but I gotta go, OK?" "Yeah." "Roughly how long would you be going?" "Oh, just 3 days." "Oh, just 3 days?" "OK, I'll leave you lovebirds." "Yeah." "And I hope you find what I found." "Oh, yeah." "I hope so." "Ciao." "Ciao, padrio." "What is it you found, exactly?" "Now, let's see." "To, um... to our first day in Italy." "Many more like it." "Oh." "Mm-hmm." "Mmm." "Mm-hmm." "Mmm... mmm." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Oh." "Oh... well, I'm afraid we're getting in a little bit of a rut, sweetie." "All we've done since we got here is drink wine and screw." "What do you suggest?" "Tomorrow let's switch to beer." "Oh..." "I'm so glad you came with me." "We haven't had this much fun since we did that shoot in albuquerque." "Oh, remember that?" "That terrible storm that came up and then the power went out." "Oh, that's when the fun began." "Yes." "Yes." "Ooh, yes." "Mmm..." "mmm... are you glad you came?" "Lord of rock and roll, baby." "This boy is ecstatic." "Well, I don't know." "When you got out of the shower, you seemed a little distracted." "Oh, you caught me." "Well, I was just a little worried about Larry." "You know, leaving him in the lurch the way I did..." "I'm sure Larry is just fine." "Not without me he isn't." "You know, I think it's amazing to see 2 people that can live together and work together." "You know, you'd think you'd get sick of each other." "Well, it allows me to keep an eye on him." "Heh." "I can see why that would be important." "Could we... could we turn that off?" "No." "You have to see this funny scene." "No, no." "I've seen..." "I've seen this one." "Shh, shh, shh... no, I've seen this one." "Please." "Please." "Can we turn it off?" "You have never even seen melrose place." "Yes, I have." "It's good." "You know who's really good in this one?" "David schwimmer." "He's hilarious in this one." "Very fucking funny." "I know." "What do you want to do tonight?" "Well, tonight I'd really like to stay in." "And do what?" "You read my mind." "Why don't we... why don't we have dinner on the terrace and watch the boats?" "Well, uh, please not tonight, unless they're planning to open fire on each other." "Why don't we just watch some television?" "We haven't had it on since we got here." "Well, congratulations, Arthur." "2 whole days in venice without watching TV." "I can watch the boats without you." "Angie, come here!" "What is it?" "The is the best of Larry from 2 seasons ago." "Ha!" "Then you've seen it." "Oh, many times." "Arthur, you don't speak Italian." "Si." "Why are you watching this?" "Silenzio." "Just wait for this." "Ha ha ha!" "Oh, boy, he's just like marcel marceau." "Larry's a killer in any language." "Oh, can you get that?" "Can we turn this off?" "Let me ask you something." "What is this thing?" "You know, if this was melrose place, you'd be... you'd be glued to it." "But you've already seen this." "Not on TV." "What do you want from me?" "This is my job." "I gotta see how it plays in the Italian market." "I want you to acknowledge what I said." "Is that too much to ask?" "No." "What'd you say?" "Arthur, you say you want to be here, but you don't." "You're fine the first couple of days, and then everything seems to go wrong." "And it happens every time we're together more than 3 or 4 days." "I try to talk to you about it and you just lash out." "I don't lash out at you." "You do." "Well, fuck you then." "You know, you're just a gorgeous woman, angie, but you've got some problems yourself." "I don't throw 'em in your face." "Well, at least I'm not some sicko watching some stupid show from 2 years ago." "Oh, I'm a sicko." "OK, but don't you dare call my show stupid." "Don't do that!" "That's not what I meant and you know it." "Listen, just give me a break, will you?" "If dressed to kill were on right now, you'd be humping the set crying out "mama mia!"" "I knew this was gonna happen." "It's just like albuquerque." "You're a prick." "Just give me 5 goddamn minutes, then we're gonna take the fucking boat!" "Do I look any different?" "No." "Well, I should because I am playing hercules!" "Hey!" "They want me!" "They want me!" "Oh, congrats." "Whoa." "Hey, what's going on?" "Disney wants me." "What are they doing, a live action version of dumbo?" "You throw in 40 pounds, a little Gray makeup, you're gonna be great." "Hey." "Hey, what are you doing, asshole?" "This is a warning, my friend." "You do not mess with hercules." "I killed my wife, I killed my children, and I shall kill you if you do not temper thy tongue." "What are you, fucking insane, Hank?" "I know not this Hank you speak of." "As of this day, when you cast your eye upon me, you shall see only one man." "And that man is... hercules!" "Hey." "Hi." "Hey... thanks for coming in." "Thank you." "Thank you for the part of hercules." "Uh, no, Hank, um, when we said we wanted you to come in for hercules, we meant, uh, hercules the project." "Not hercules the role." "Who's playing hercules?" "We went with tate donovan." "Tate donovan?" "Uh, excuse me." "I don't mean to question your judgment, but one of my balls is as big as tate donovan." "Uh, well, we're going with him." "OK." "All right." "What am I... what am I doing here?" "We want you to play the role of hiageus." "Who the fuck is hiageus?" "Hank, hiageus is a great role." "He's hercules', uh, partner." "He's hercules' partner." "He's always getting into all these little scrapes." "And hercules has to..." "he's the village idiot." "Yeah, well, I wouldn't say that." "No." "Yeah, well, that's what it says right here in the stage directions." ""Hiageus, the village idiot," ""enters, a sad little stump of a man" ""with a sorry mustache." "He's being pelted" ""with stones by a band of toughs." ""He cries out for hercules in his funny squeal of a voice."" "I don't think so." "Yeah, are you kidding, Hank?" "This is the perfect part for you." "You're..." "you're living his life." "Are you saying that being the village idiot is my life?" "Good luck with the film." "And, hey, good luck casting that part." "It's good." "You're making a mistake, Hank." "It's a great part." "It's the part for you." "And Michael eisner thinks hiageus is the best character in the film." "Do you think that when hiageus, uh, gets in trouble, he could say, uh," ""hey, now!"" "Mmm." "Well, well, well." "look who's back." "And is that your tail I see between your legs?" "It's not my tail." "Where's Larry?" "He's in his office." "How'd that guy turn out?" "The one I sent over?" "Ooh, um... good." "I still got a job?" "Well, you're the producer, right?" "So Larry asked me to move in with him." "Oh, and are you going to?" "I don't know." "It's too fast." "I'm just not sure that I'm ready to... be in a relationship with someone in show business." "No." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "I don't understand." "You're in show business." "Exactly." "But..." "oh, scusi!" "Oh, you got cleaned up pretty fast." "Hey, Arthur." "How did it go in Italy?" "Mmm." "Relationships are tough." "Excuse me." "Laura?" "You have a phone call from Martin scorsese." "Great." "That is the phone call I've been waiting for." "You know what, Laura?" "You can take it in the writers' room." "It'd be more private." "OK." "Thanks." "And we'll talk about that thing." "Well, I, um, told Larry you're here." "You want me to take you to him?" "Oh, I'll find him." "I... boy, I feel like such an idiot." "We were on vacation, for Christ's sake." "You know, it started out good, but then she wanted to talk about my peccadilloes." "My mood swings, my temper, my stubbornness." "My obsession with glenlivet." "You know the whole fucking laundry list." "So once again I walk alone." "You know what, Artie?" "I'm glad you're back." "I'm so glad you're back." "Thank you, beverly." "Oh, shit." "I thought she was in London." "She's here." "Who?" "Angie." "She won't let me get away." "Well, you want me to go and get rid of her for you?" "No." "I've got to confront this." "I've gotta put a stop to it once and for all." "I understand that you are doing a movie." "Is that right?" "Well, I'm not doing a movie." "I'm doing a... the voice-over." "I'm doing..." "no, I'm doing a voice for, um, a project for the disney company called hercules." "Oh, well, congratulations." "I'm not playing hercules." "They offered me hercules, but I'm playing a much better role." "Um, a stretch for me." "Uh, the role of hiageus." "The village idiot." "You're not... you're not supposed to call it that." "Well, do you want to do a little of the voice?" "Why don't you do a little of the voice and then we'll be the judge." "Well, we don't..." "we don't have time." "We'll take a break and... and then we'll come right back." "No flipping." "Ciao." "Great show." "Listen, I'm really sorry." "I forgot to ask you how that conversation went with angie." "All's well." "Good, good, good." "'Cause I imagine that must have been very, very difficult." "It was, but it's cool now." "She's on her way to Mexico, and her flight leaves in an hour." "What time's your flight?" "9:30." "I'll be back on Monday." "I swear." "Thanks, buddy."