""Principal's office"" "Enter" "Excusing me please lady" "Yes, what is it?" "I am coming to be learning the English" " You're early" " No, I am Ali I beg your pardon?" "My name is Ali." "Ali Nadim" " l am coming to be learning the English" " Yes, yes!" "You wish to join our new class" " English as a Foreign Language" " Yes please l am hopping to be unrolled" "Hopping to be unrolled?" "!" "Like it say in your sillybus" "You mean you're hoping to be enrolled That is what I say-hopping to be unrolled I'm afraid you cannot be unrolled... enrolled until the English teacher arrives" "She should be here in a few minutes" "Meanwhile, perhaps you'd care to wait in the classroom" "Just go down the corridor, turn left at the bottom and wait in room number five" " Understand?" " No I'll start again" " Go down the corridor" " Down the corridor" "Good" " Turn left" " Turn left" "Right" "You are confusing me" " Left or right?" " Left" "Look!" "You just go down the corridor, turn left and wait in room five!" "Room five!" " l am understanding you now!" "Room five" " Yes" "Thank you" "Oh dear, I am not going where l am looking" "No, no!" "I wasn't looking where l was going" "That makes the two of us!" "Excuse me sir" "Enter" " Mrs Courtney" " Miss" "Oh sorry!" "I'm your new teacher Jeremy Brown, B.A. Oxon" " You're a man" " Yes" "This is most unsatisfactory!" "This won't do at all I assure you my credentials are impeccable" "Academically perhaps, but I'm talking about sex I also assure you that my morals are perfectly respectable too I'm referring to the fact that you are a man I distinctly requested the Local Authority to send me a woman teacher" "Especially after the unfortunate incident involving Mr. Warburton" " Mr. Warburton?" " Yes" "He was teaching English to foreign students last term I'm afraid he only lasted a month, then he departed" " Dead?" " Demented" "Yes, the strain was too much for him" "Typical of the male sex!" "No stamina" "He seemed to be able to cope at first, but one day he just snapped" " lt was really quite disgusting" " Really?" "What did he do?" "Climbed out of the classroom window and on to the roof" "Took all his clothes off and stood there stark naked" "Singing "l've got a lovely bunch of coconuts"" "How distressing!" "Still you musn't worry on my account I'm not likely to climb out of the classroom window I know you aren't" " Thank you for your confidence - lt's got nothing to do with confidence" "We've had the window frames nailed down" "How very thoughtful!" "Well, I would appreciate the job Mrs. Courtney" " Miss" " Miss Courtney I am qualified and I do need ajob!" "What with the economic situation and inflation and..." "Alright, there's no need to whimper!" " You can start immediately" " Thank you" " On a month's trial" " Thank you" " lf you last that long - l'll do my best" "Where will I find my students?" " Room five down the corridor and turn left" " Right I'm looking forward to meeting them!" "I'm sure we're all going to get along extremely well" "Good evening" "Good evening" "Quiet please!" "Silence I am pleased to meet you all" "We are also pleasing to be meeting you" " l am Brown" " Oh, no" " You are committing a mistake" " Mistake?" "Yes, you are not brown!" "We are brown!" "You are white" "My name is Brown!" "I'm your teacher" " Ah, you Proffessori" " Yes" "Silenzio" "Thank you" "Would you all like to sit down!" "Sit down!" "In fact, I'll take a note of all your names, nationalities and occupations" " Por favore Senor" " Yes" "Es la primera ves que vengo" "Es esta la clase para aprender ingles?" "Well, I haven't the faintest idea what you're saying" "But I'm sure you're not trying to find the needle-work class" " Por favore - lt doesn't matter!" "Have a seat!" " Por favore" " Sit down" "Ah, si" " No, not there" " Por favore" "Over there" "Right!" "I'll just go round the class and take your names" "Yes, what is your name?" "Maximillion Andrea Archimedes Papandrious" "Yes, I'll just put you down as Max" " l take it you're Greek?" " ls right!" "From Athens" " And what is yourjob?" " l walk with sheeps" "You walk with sheeps?" " A shepherd!" "You work on a farm" " No, no, no!" "Not farm" " But you said you work with sheep" " No, no!" "Sheeps." "Big sheeps" " Ah, ships" " Yes, Sheeps, Tonkers" " Tonkers!" "Ah, tankers - ls right" " l walk in office" " Thank you" " And your name?" " Anna Schmidt!" "Jairman au pair" " Ah, the usual German efficiency" " Jairmans are always efficient" "Not so" "Japanes much more efficient" "Nein, Jairmans are zer best" "Japanes make much better terevision and camelas" "Please, please, let's have no racialism ln this class, all are equal" " Your name?" " Giovanni Cupello!" "Italian" " What do you work?" " l work inna Ristorante dei Populi" " A waiter?" " No, not a waiter." "A cookada" " A cookada?" " l cookada raviolo, daspaghetti, dalasagne I cookada everything" "A chef" "Your name?" "What is your name?" "Me, Jeremy Brown!" "You?" "Max, Anna Schmidt, Giovanni Cuppello!" "You?" "Yes, yes, write your name down!" "Good, good" "No good!" "I need your name in English" " No good!" " No good!" "Certificate of registration!" "Jamila Ranjha!" "Housewife" "Thank you" " And your name?" " l'm Ali Nadim!" "From Lahor I am working at the moment not anywhere at all" " You are unemployed?" " Yes please" "Only one day a week, I am working" "And what do you do then?" "I am going to the unemployment exchange to be collecting my money" "Cor blimey!" "I get more money for not be working than when I'm working" "And before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth, what did you do?" "I worked at the Taj Mahal" " ln Delhi?" " No, Putney" "The Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant" "Very good chapatti and popadom" "A thousand apologies for my lateness" "The omnibus was going backwards I'm sure there must be a more logical explanation lt is the absolute truth!" "I was told to be talking a number 27 omnibus" "And I complied, but it went in a backward direction I think you meant it was going the other way" "That is the gist of what I am saying!" "A thousand apologies lt's all right!" "Perhaps you'd like to sit next to Ali, your countryman I cannot sit there!" "It is impossible" "Why is it impossible?" " l am Sikh" " Oh dear I hope it's not contagious!" "Perhaps you ought ot come back when you're better?" "I do not comprehend the gist of your conversation" "You said you were sick" " How do you feel about Roman Catholics?" " l treat them like my brothers" "Good, go and sit next to Giovanni" " Barbarian - lnfidel" "Gentlemen please!" "You are here to learn English not start a holy war" " What is your name?" " Ranjeet Singh" " And from which country?" " Punjab" "Good, what is yourjob?" "I'm a very important member of the British underground" " The underground what?" " Just the underground" "Mind the doors" "Oh, that underground" " And your name?" " Taro Nagazumi" "My name card!" "Japanese" "Reprensentative of Bushedo Electronics" " Vely good!" "Very good and finally your name" " Por favore" " Your name, what is your name?" " Por favore" " Nome" " Ah nome, si" "Juan Cervantes para Seville" " No need to ask what nationality you are" " Por favore" " Spanish" " Por favore" " What is yourjob?" " Por favore" " Trabaje" " Ah si!" "Tree laggers" " You lag trees?" " Si, 1 Jeentonic, 2 whisky, coka tree laggers" " Three lagers" " Si" " You work in a bar" " Bar, si" " Well, Mr. Brown" " Yes thank you" "Apart from one attempted murder and a possible race riot I think we're coping reasonably well l've come to inform you about the registration fees for the students lt's 5 pounds per head!" "I'll be grateful if u would collect the money and bring it to my office in your tea break" "Right, I'll do that" "Well we have one thing to be grateful for anyway" "Sex won't be rearing its ugly little head I beg your pardon?" "From past experience, it isn't race or religion that causes problems lt's usually the presence of some foreign beauty" "Jealousies, intrigues - all that sort of thing" "Yes, well looking at my class, I dont think we'll be too bothered with anything like that" "I come to learn English 'Ave l come to ze right place?" "Enter" " Mrs Courtney" " Miss" "Miss!" "I've just brought the registration fees for the students" " Good!" "Now how many students have you?" " Nine" " So there's 45 pounds in here" " That depends on the rate of exchange I don't quite follow you" "Not all of them had 5 pounds in English money" "So I collected 29,50 in Sterling and the rest is made up of 2000 yen, 3000 lira" "250 pesetas, 75 drachmas, 50 francs and 12 deutchmarks" "According to this morning's financial paper, that should give us a profit of 1045,5 pounds" "Then I suggest you take it to the bank in the morning and convert it into English currency" "Right, I'll do that" " By the way, how's the femme fatale?" " Ah, yes!" "Danielle" "At the moment, she's in the tea room with Italy, Spain and Greece" "Trying to establish diplomatic relations" " l hope she's not going to cause any bother" " Oh no, I'm sure she won't" " Look, I am going to sitta here" " No, it is me who is going to be sitting here" " Before you were sitting over dair - And before you were sitta over dair" " You takeadamick" " Who, me?" "You go back and sit where u were before" " No, I sit here - you not sitt here" " Who is gonna be stopping me?" " Me" "Yourself?" "You think you're tough!" "Come outside" "Hokay" " Where are you going?" " We go houtside to havada punch down" "You mean a punch up I'm going to" " How you say - knock his bloody block off" "We see who's bloody blocka is knockered off" " Now just a minute!" "What is all this about?" " l tella you Mr. White" " Brown" " Scusi!" "is about where we sit" "What's wrong with where you're sitting before?" "Ltsa my eyes Professori!" "I gotta sitta nearer da front" "Here I see!" "And I suppose it's got nothing to do with the fact that Danielle is sitting here too" "She is?" "I never noticed" "You see itsa my eyes!" "I'm a little shorta sighted" "And also a much beega liar" " lt's not true Mr. Green" " The name is Brown" "You see!" "I'm a colour blind as well" "And Max, I suppose you've got trouble with your eyes as well" "No, no, no!" "My eyes are hokay!" "It's my hears" " l am not hearing very well" " That's a likely story" "What you say?" "I say you both go back and sit where you were sitting before now" "I hope you don't think I was" " How you say - too forward" "No, no!" "I'm sure you weren't in any way to blame at all" "Teacher please!" " Mr. Blown" " Yes" "Prease folgive my rateness!" "I apologize but I rost my way" "Not to worry!" "What is your name?" " Chung Su Lee" " Su Lee" " Where are you from?" " Democlatic Lepublic of China" " And what is yourjob?" " Secletaly!" "Chinese Dipromat" "Very nice" "Right!" "Where shall we put you?" "Taro!" "How are relations between Japan and China?" "Depends on political viewpoint!" "Japan light wingo!" "China refto wingo I see!" "Are you light wingo or reft wingo?" "Right or left?" "I forrow teaching of Chairman Mao ln that case, You'd better sit next to Jamila, the Indian lady" " Alright?" " Thank you" "Right, now we will start by learning a few basic English verbs" "And firstly, we will take the verb 'to be'" " Ta be" " To be I am English, you are Chinese He is Italian!" "She is French" "He is barbarian" "And you are asking for a kick up your big brown backside" "Pay attention please" " l am - l am" " You are" " You are" " He, she, or it is" " He, or she or it is" " We are" " We are" " You are" " You are" " They are" " They are" "Now i'll go round the class and ask you each to give me a sentence using the verb to be" "Taro, 'l am'" "I amo very happy to be learningo English" " Good!" "Giovanni, 'he is'" " He isada fool" "Good but not isada!" "He is a fool" "Yes he is a fool" "Max, 'she is'" "She is beautiful!" "She is wonderful" " She is..." " Yes, yes, thank you Max!" "That will do" " Juan, 'it is'" " Por favore?" " lt is" " Por favore lt is raining lt is raining" "It is raining" " We'll skip you for the moment" " Por favore?" "It doesn't matter!" "Sit down" "Su Lee, 'it is' it is duty of evely citizen to overthlow lmpelial Warmongers" "So say Chairman Mao" "Yes, well that's his opinion!" "Good, good" "Danielle, 'we are'" "We are lucky to 'ave such a good 'andsome teacher" "Quiet please!" "Thank you" "Ali, 'you are'" " You are..." " You are waiting for me to speak an answer" "Well done!" "Unfortunately, I am not understanding the question" "I want you to give me a sentence using 'you are' I am" "No, not 'l am', 'you are'!" "For example you are from Pakistan" " l am from Pakistan" " Yes but now use 'you are'" "But I cannot say you are from Pakistan because you are not, are you?" " Repeat after me - you are English" " No, I'm not!" "I'm from Pakistan" " What am I?" " You are confusing me" "You are stupid poof" " Don't you call me poof" " Poof" "Sit down please!" "Quiet!" "There's really not much more we can do" "Until you all get your text books!" "But what i would like you to do is some homework" "Alright, I want you each to write an essay" "A short story about your life here in England" "The things you do, the things you like I'll see you all on Wednesday" "Ah, Mrs. Courtney" " Miss" " Miss I've just dismissed the class for tonight!" "I think we've covered all we can for the first session" "You look a trifle under the weather" " Job getting you down already?" " No, no I'm fine!" "Never felt better" " There's just one thing though" " Yes" "That window you nailed down!" "The one Mr. Warburton climbed out of" "What about it?" "I think I ought to put a few more nails in it" " Excuse me young man" " Si senora" " Are you in Mr. Brown's class?" " Por favore" "Mr. Brown's class!" "Brown!" "Mr. Brown" "Ah si!" "Juan Cervantes" "Yes, but are you in Mr. Brown's class?" " English as a foreign language?" " Por favore?" "Are you really as stupid as you look?" "Excuse me" "You are in Mr. Brown's class, aren't you?" "Are you or aren't you?" " Doesn't Mr. Brown teach you anything?" " Por favore?" " You" " Yes please Missy" "Can I be assisting you in any way whatsoever?" "At last a breakthrough" " Are you in Mr. Brown's class?" " No, I'm in corridor" " Do you think you could give him a message" " Certainly" " l am Miss Courtney - l am Ranjeet Singh" "Just at this particularl moment, I'm not really bothered in who you are I just want you to give Mr. Brown a message I will be very happy to comply with your request" "Would you tell Mr. Brown I would like a word with him" "Most certainly" "Which word would you like?" "Just say I want to speak to him" "Foreigners!" "Quiet please!" "Settle down!" "Good evening" "So we appear to be some missing I hope they haven't dropped out" "Please it would not be surprising me I am always thinking that Sikh, son of Guru, was a Punjabi drop out I am hearing what you are saying, you miserable spawn of ajackal" "Don't you two start again!" "Actually, you're late" "A thousand apologies for this unforgivable tardiness" "But we were all unavoidably detained in the corridor by a lady" "Si, si" "Do I take it Juan that you understood what Ranjeet was saying?" " Por favor?" " Sorry i asked" "Who was this lady who detained you in the corridor?" "Oh blimey!" "I am forgetting her name" "She was big lady." "Very large bosoms" "Grandioso, very good!" "Yes, well while you are trying to remember her name, perhaps you'd better sit down" "Now I hope you've all done your homework" "Excuse me please!" "I am remembering the name!" "Missy Courtney" " Miss Courtney" " Yes absolutely" "The lady with the large bosoms" " She is wanting to see you - Well, she'll just have to wait" "Excuse me please!" "She is already waiting" "She may be the principal but I have a class to teach!" "Now as I was saying..." "Ah Miss large..." "Miss Courtney" " l was just on my way to see you actually" " That's not the impression I got" " l shan't be a moment class - lt's all right, don't bother I'm here only to tell you that you can expect another student" " Jolly good!" "The more the merrier" " You're not here to make merry Mr. Brown" "No, it was just a figure of speech" "You'd better try to teach a few figures of speech to your students" " They seem to be in need of it - l'm doing my best" " Miss Courtney?" " Yes" "This new student!" "What nationality can I expect?" " African" " African!" "Thank you" "Remember, i asked you to write an essay or short story about your life here in England I hope you've all done so, have you?" "Good, good!" "I'll go round the class and ask each of you to read out what you've written" "Anna, should we start with you?" " My life in England by Anna Schmidt" " Good!" "Very good" " Yeah but go on" " There's no more" " You mean that's all there is?" " Ya I half no time to write more!" "Always that Mrs. Valker is keeping me busy" "Anna do this" " Anna do that!" "She is a slavedriver that Mrs Valker" " Walker" " Vat?" "W is pronounced 'Weh'!" "Your employer's name is Walker" "Ya, Valker" "Do you know how many shirts Mrs Valker make me iron last night?" " Walker" " Ya Valker" "Twelve!" "Then I had to prepare a meal for the bitch" "Anna, she may be a hard taskmistress but I don't think you ought to call her that" " Who?" " Mrs. Valker..." "Walker" " l vas meaning the dog bitch" " Oh I see" "That is vy I am having no time for the homework" "Well, not to worry!" "You really must concentrate on those 'double u' sounds" "Danielle, would you like to read us your essay?" "Oui" "What I like about England!" "By Mamselle Danielle Favre" "Telephone 2468021" "Good!" "Carry on!" " Scusi" " Yes, Giovanni?" "Was it 8021 or 8012?" "8021 !" "Look, never mind what number it was" "You're here to improve your English not chat up other students" "You are absolutely right Professori!" "It's just I'd like to improve my French as well" "You can do that in your own time" " Carry on Danielle" " Zank you I like England because ze grass is so green, and ze pople are so nice" " People" " Yes" "Especially ze men" "Quiet!" "Quiet" "Englishmen are so charming, so handsome and so sexy" "Silence please" "Yeah, I think that will do Danielle" "But I have written much more... all about the things I like to do at night" "Yes well, I don't think we'd better go into those I'll be reading all your essays later" "Jamila..." "I don't suppose you've written anything, have you?" "Written... anything?" " No" " No" "You really must start to speak a little, Jamila..." "Speak" "No, no!" "In English!" "You must try to speak in English" "Look!" "Try saying Good evening" "All right, lets start with 'good'!" "Good, Good lt's not difficult!" "Come on!" "Good, Good" "You nearly said it then!" "Come on!" "Good" "Please!" "No prompting" "Gud" "Excellent!" "Well done" "Now try 'evening'!" "Evening!" "It's not difficult Jamila!" "Go on!" "Evening" "Yes, yes!" "Come on" "Gud!" "I know you can say 'good'!" "Say 'evening'!" "Evening" "Efening!" "Efening!" "Efening" " Good" " Efening" "Now put them both together!" "Good evening" "Gud efening" "Good efening" "Very good Jamila" "Well done" "We'll try some new words later" " Now Su-Lee, have you written anything?" " Yes, yes" "What I rike about England" "England is becoming more porriticarry minded and gladually more reft wing" "The overthlow of decadent capitaristic government will soon take prace" "As working crasses become more educated" "And emblace Communism as the tlue way of rife" "Workers levolution getting nealer" "With inevitable corrapse of lmpeliaristic bougoise interrectual society" "Yes!" "Well if thats what you like about England I wouldn't want to hear what you didn't like" " Excuse pleaso" " Yes Taro" "May I have small observations on youngo radies discourse" "Which will also irrustrate incleased knowledge of Engrisho" " Certainly Taro!" "Go ahead" " With lespecto" "Youngo rady speak road of cobras" "Attitude typical of Fascist Nipponese" "Japan civilised countly noto rike China lun by peasanto" " Chinese not peasants" " Japanese not Fascisto" "Su Lee!" "Su Lee!" "Come back" "Taro, please go and apologize" " Apologize?" " Yes" "Noto my faulto" "Never mind whose faulto it was!" "Go and apologize" "Ah prease" "Waito" "Waito" "Waito" " Mrs. Courtney" " Miss I'm Roger Kenyon... from the Education Authority i was told they were sending an inspector round" " But I really didn't expect" " He would be black" " He would be so young" " My apologies" "But the authority likes to check that the standards of the evening classes are up to par l can assure you that my standards here are well over par l'm glad to hear it" "Well Mr. Kenyon, if you'd like to come with me, I'll show you round" "No, no please!" "I'd ratherjust wander around on my own, if you don't mind I usually get a much clearer picture that way" " Everything all right?" " Everything's okay" " We have agleed to differ" " Good" " Excuse me" " Ah, our new African" " Pardon?" " Yeah, I've been expecting you" " Me?" " Yes, I was told I'd have a new pupil" "Look, it's nearly time for our tea break" "So why don't you just sit at the back for a moment, and I'll get your particulars later" " But please..." " Be a good chap!" "Don't argue, just sit down" " All right?" " Yes, but..." " Sit?" " Yes please" "O.K. Me sit!" "There you are!" "10 p!" "Thank you, that's it" "Next!" " You sitta here" " Merci" " l get coffee" " Merci" " Coffee black?" " Sank you please" "Coffee black" " l'm gettada coffee for Danielle" " Too bad" " Sugar?" " Merci" "How about a biscuit?" "You like a biscuit?" " l would like that!" " Good I'll be back" "A packet of biscuits, please" "Wait your turn!" "There's a queue here!" "Go on" "Next" "Gud efening" " Yes, good evening!" "Tea or coffee?" " Gud efening I heard you the first time!" "Tea or coffee?" " Char" " Ah, tea" " Ten p." " Gud efening" " Ten P. - l'll pay for that" " And a coffee for me" " And a coffee for you" " Are you Mr. Brown?" " Yes I've got a message for you from her ladyship" " Lady who?" " Miss Courtney!" "She's just been in here!" "She wants to see you" " l know what she does want" " Yes, Mr. Brown?" "You want to see me ln my office!" "Lmmediately" " Careful, thats coffee!" "You'll spill it" " Por favore?" " That's coffee!" " Gracias" " Same again, please" " Here you go Mr. Brown" " Thanks" " Thank you" " A packet of biscuits, please!" " l'm sorry, we haven't any left" "Good!" "You've come to have a cup of coffee?" " Coffee?" " Yes!" "Coffee, this stuff" "Thank you" "Enter lt has taken you 2 min 38 sec exactly to come to my office immediately I'm glad I didn't ask you to take your time I'm sorry!" "I was detained I thought I'd better tell you that an inspector has arrived" " Well my conscience is clear - l beg your pardon?" "Apart from the odd parking ticket, I've never been in any trouble with the police" " An education inspector" " Oh, I'm sorry!" "How stupid of me" "Yes!" "Well he'll probably want to call in on your class" "Don't worry, I'll deal with him" "You don't deal with inspectors from the local authority, Mr. Brown" "You cossett them, flatter them and agree with everything they say" "Yes, I'll do that as well" " l expect he'll want to see your register" " My register?" " You do have a register?" " Oh, that register!" "Yes of course" "You'd better call it as soon as you get back to your class" "By the way while you're here" "The local authorities want me to fill in a few details about you on this form" " l've got your name" " Yes" " Address - yes" " Sex" " Occasionally" " Sorry" " Married?" "No, I was engaged once!" "As a matter of fact, I proposed marriage but it didn't really work out" "There was quite a lot of opposition" " Her father?" " No, her husband I didn't realize she was married" " What do you do during the day?" " Nothing at the moment, I'm afraid" " l'm waiting for a suitable position" " And what was your last position?" "I was teaching at a secondary modern school but I left I couldn't stand any more beatings I didn't think teachers beat children any more" "They don't!" "It was the other way round I think you'd better take this form, fill it in yourself and give it to me later" "Right" "And do be careful what you say to the lnspector" "Of course!" "Oh, by the way... the new student has arrived" "You wouldn't forget to add the name to the register, would you?" "Danielle, what you do hafter class?" " l go back home to learn ze English" " Hey I'm going to learn English as well" "Maybe we learn together" " Yes but what about poor Max?" " Yeah" "What about the poor Max?" "I'm crying my eyes out" " l have an idea - l have lots of ideas" "Why not you and Max study together?" "All right class!" "Settle down please!" "Quiet!" "Now, the first thing we have to do before anything else is to call the register" " Sorry" " That's quite all right I expect you'll have a bit of difficulty finding your way round at first" "Things will seem rather strange" " Yes, very strange" " Yes lt must be quite a change coming from one of the under-developed countries" "To our more advanced way of life" " Oh yes" " Still, your people are doing remarkably well" " Did you fly here?" " Fly?" "What do you mean, Bwana?" "Fly!" "In a big iron bird" "Quite a change from riding an elephant" "Unless you came by Jumbo" " English joke" " Very funny" "Perhaps you'd better sit down" "Now, I'm gonna call out your names" " Will you please answer present" " Present" "Yes Ali, but wait until I call your name out" "Sorry please" " Ranjeet Singh" " Present and correct please" " Giovanni Cuppello" " Si proffessori" " No Giovanni!" "Not proffessori" " No proffessori" "No, you should address me as Sir" " Sir - yes" "Now I understand" "You have been togetta knotted" "Come again" "To become a Sir!" "You got Knotteda by the queen" "The word is knighted!" "And I'm not that kind of sir" "Maximillian Papandrious" "Maximillian Papandrious" " Mr. Brown is speaking to you - ls he?" " Oh sorry, you want something?" " Are you here or not?" "Sure I'm here" " Taro Nagazumi" " Ah so" "Plesento" " Anna Schmidt" " Ja, present" " Su Lee Chung" " Plesent" " Ali Nadim" " Gift" " Gift?" " l'm surprising you, no?" "Each day I am learning new English word" "And I am finding that gift is another word for present" " Very ingenious" " Thank you very much" " Danielle Favre" " Presente and I'm all here I can see that" " Jamila Ranjha" " Ranjhi" "Gud efening" " Yes, you're here!" "And Juan Cervantes" " Por favore" " Present" " Por favore?" " You are here" " Present l'd better take down your particulars otherwise I may get into hot water" "You are going to have a hot bath?" "No Ali, it's just another way of saying I may get into trouble" "Oh dear!" "You have been committing some grievous misdemeanour?" "Not at all!" "There's an inspector from the local Education Authority coming round" " The big boss" " Yes I suppose you could say that" "But from my experience they're usually interfering old fogies" " You don't like them?" " Not particularly" "Frankly, they're quite useless and they are as outdated as their teaching methods I mean, what is the point of learning past participles" "Cognate objects or subordinate clauses?" "Far more useful to try to teach foreign students how to order a meal or find accommodations" " You appear to have some unique ideas - l suppose I have" " You know you speak English fairly well" " Thank you" "What is your name?" " Roger Kenyon" " Roger Kenyon" "Ah Miss Courtney!" "I'm just completing the register and getting the details of our new student" "Before that inspector chappie pokes his nose in" "Oh, no!" " Mr. Brown - l shan't be a moment Miss Courtney" " What is yourjob?" " Inspector" "What local transport?" "Local Education Authority" "I thought he was the new student" " The new student is a female - ls she?" "You didn't tell me that" "My apologies Mr. Kenyon, I do assure you that Mr. Brown will be severely dealt with I can't remember when I last enjoyed myself so much" " l beg your pardon" " Enjoyed yourself?" "You know Miss Courtney, your Mr. Brown is a remarkable man" " l am?" " He is?" "Yes!" "His teaching methods may be revolutionary but they appear to work I've always encouraged my staff to be forward thinking" "I'll pass on your comments to the Authority" "Perhaps they'll revise their textbooks" "Now if you'll excuse me, I must put in an appearance at the other classes" "Very well" "Keep up the good work, Mr. Brown and thank you very much for the coffee I'll come with you Mr. Kenyon" "Blimey you are dropping a clinker" " You mean clanger" " Yes please" "Yes right!" "Let's continue with our lessons" "Get out your textbooks!" "I'm going to give you all a few exercises" "Scusi professori sir!" "I cannot do any exercises" " Why not?" " l gottada bad back" "Excuse me!" "I was looking for..." "Ah, at last!" "A pity you didn't arrive half an hour earlier" "Why?" "You might've saved me a great deal of embarrassment" "With a certain African gentleman" "Yes, he was the inspector but I mistook him for you" " You thought a gentleman was me?" " Yes" "The silly fool pretended to be a student, sit in the back to catch me out" "But I saw through him I gather you think he was a bit stupid" "Definitely, thick as a brush" " Was his name Mr. Kenyon?" " Yes" " Do you know him?" " l should do I've come to collect him!" "I'm his wife!" "Oh blimey yes!" " Oh Max, can u help me?" " Sure, anything you want" " l am in very big trouble - l kill him" " Who you kill?" " The man who put you in big trouble" " There's no man" " Dio Gracias" " lt's my homework!" "I have not finished it" " And I am haven't started it" " Mr. Brown he is going to be very angry" " Don't worry" " Giovanni, he's gonna fix everything" " Yes?" "Buona Serra" "Hockay!" "Who wants the homework!" "Only 10 p." "Each" "10 p." "No peseta" "Whose next?" " Giovanni, how we know answers right?" " Sure answers right" "My landalady's little boy write them down!" "He's a clever kid" "Quiet please" " Where is Mr. Brown?" " Mr. Brown not alived" "This is too bad!" "He should be here" "You want I give Mr. Brown a massage?" " l presume you mean message" " Collect" "No thank you I shall wait until he arrives lt will give me an opportunity to find out how much you have learned" "Which is precious little I suspect" " But Madame, we learn a lot from Mr. Brown" " Yes" "Quiet now!" "Quiet, quiet!" "Very well!" "Let's see if we can find out how much you've learned from Mr. Brown" "Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word... 'catalyst'?" "Come along somebody!" "Catalyst" " Por favore senora?" " Yes ln my country Spain, most of the people are Roman Catalyst" "I don't believe it" " That's not right" " No?" "Italy is a much bigger catalyst country" "Quiet..." "Quiet!" "Sit down!" "Quiet please!" "Good evening Miss Courtney" " lt's almost goodnight - l'm sorry I'm late I was detained at the paper shop" "Mr. Brown, I know the times are hard but do you have to deliver newspapers?" "Oh no!" "I've bought them!" "They are for the students as part of their education" "Well they certainly need some education" "Good evening" "Excuse me please!" "I am just this moment arriving" " Excuse me again!" "I go" " What?" "I come back" " Are you moving house?" " Not at all I am coming here straight from my work" " You've got ajob?" " Yes please l'm a travelling salesman!" "I go round knicking the doors" " Knocking" " That is correct" " And what are you selling?" " Oh blimey, everything" "For a master or mistress!" "I show you some example" "Maybe you'll be wanting to buy something" "No thanks, I don't think that's my size" "So sorry please!" "This case is for the lady people only" "This case is for the man people!" "And everything very good price" "Look this please" "You not have to be tying it" "And also, if you are dropping soup, you'll be whiping it off" " lt's jolly good plastic" " Yes very ingenious" " Only one pound 50p!" "You wanting one?" " No thanks I am telling you what I am doing!" " To you only one pound - l don't want one Ali" "How about ajelly good shirt?" "Guaranteed one hundred percent substandard" "No thank you" "Ali, you got any socks?" "Plenty socks!" "Fifty p." "Only!" "Plenty woolly" " Ali" " Excuse, I'm serving" " l have 2" " Right, two!" "Money, money, money" "Now tell me!" "Anybody wanting undertrousers?" "All different colours" " How much?" " Only fifty p." "Ali!" "Please" " Ah, you are wanting one?" " No I am finding you very good pair" "Lovely, lovely, lovely!" "Red, white and blue" "Just like Union Jack" "Very patriotic!" "No, thank you" " Have you any scarf?" " Most definitely" "For you only one pound!" "Made in Honk Kong" "Hong Kong?" "I not buy from Capatalist state where workers are exploited as cheap labour" " Anyone else is wanting something else?" " Ali please" " Ah, you are exchanging your mind" " No I'm not" "Put these cases away!" "This is not Petticoat" "Just sit down everybody" "Taro, sit down" "Now, before we do anything else this evening, I want to find a monitor" "O.K. You tell us where to look!" "We find one" "Giovanni, a monitor is a person who can take charge of the class during my absence" "Somebody intelligent enough to assume responsibility" "On second thought, perhaps this is not such a good idea after all" "Please I think I am making good monitor I think we'll alternate, have a different one each week lt'll be a good experience for you!" "All right, Anna we'll start with you" "Danke!" " Thank you" " Zank you lf you'll hand these round and collect the homework" "Ja" " Yes Anna" " Yes" "And from now on, I want to hear no more foreign language spoken in this class" "From the moment you come in here you speak English all the time ls that understood?" " Por favor?" " No por favor" "Por favor finito!" "English only" " its alright" " Yes" "Now, have you all got a newspaper?" "I'm going to ask you each to read a passage from the newspaper" "Then we'll discuss it together, O. K?" "Max, you start" "Hamerican Embassy bugged" "No Max, bugg'd" "Hey, my boss!" "He all the time say is bugged" "That may be so Giovanni but the word we're dealing with is bugg'd" "Read it again Max correctly" "Hamerican Embassy Buggde" "Good!" "Now does anybody know what that means?" "Ah, Taro" "It means american Embassy full of little insects" "No Taro!" "They're not that sort of bugs!" "Listening devices" "Jamila, can you read anything from your newspaper?" "Read something!" " 8 p." " Yes, that's a start" " Late again, Ranjeet" " Oh, Mr. Teacher I'm apologising most humbly" "Perhaps next week, you'll try and get here on time I'm thinking next week I am not being here at all" " Are you leaving us?" " l will be joining honourable ancestors" " You mean you're going to die?" " Most definitely I'm going to die by my own hand lf you are wanting some assistance I am happy to be helping" "I thought you didn't like Sikhs" "That is why I am happy to be helping" "Alright Ali, this is not a laughing matter" " l think Ranjeet is serious" " Most certainly I am" " But why are you thinking of killing yourself?" " l'm forced to be getting married" "You randy old chapati" "You are putting some innocent lady in the pudding club I am doing nothing of the sort you Muslim twit" "All right, that will do!" "I don't understand Ranjeet" "Why you're being forced to get married?" "According to the Sikh tradition, I was betrothed when I was twelve to Surinder" "The ten year old daughter of the best friend of my father" "She was a beautiful girl with hair like silk, eyes like black diamonds" "And a figure like a tender bamboo shoot" "And now her father is saying it is time for me to be marrying her" "Well if she's got eyes like black diamonds, hair like silk" "And a figure like a tender bamboo shoot, what are you complaining about?" "Blimey that was twenty years ago" "Now, she is putting on so much weight" "That from behind she is looking like an elephant" "As a matter of fact, she is looking like elephant from the front also" "Can't you just tell her that you've changed your mind?" "Not at all!" "Only a lady can change mind" " l am up the creek without a puddle" " Paddle" "You not do it!" "It's a sin to kill yourself lt's the only call which is left open to me" " When you do this killing yourself?" " Tonight" "Can we come and watch?" "This is ridiculous!" "People don't go round killing themselves rather than break off an engagement lt is my religion" " ln that case, why don't you marry?" " That will be worse than killing myself" "Go and sit down" "We'll discuss whether you kill yourself or not during the tea break" "Mr. Brown" "There's an Indian lady in my office who wishes to speak to Mr. Ranjeet Singh" "Excusing me Missy!" "This lady, is she resembling an elephant?" "I wouldn't exactly put it like that although she is rather large" "Oh blimey, it is Surinder" "Ask her to come along here Miss Courtney" " That's very irregular - lt is rather important" "Very well, but don't make a habit of it" "What are you doing that for?" "So that we can talk to her!" "Perhaps make her see reason lt is not anyway possible!" "I keel myself" "Put that knife down" "Max, Giovanni, hold his arms" " Where is it?" " He's not here yet I am waiting for him in the corridor" "He is promised to me and I swear by the Holy Guru he is having me" "Well, what am I telling you?" "Yes, I quite see your point about an elephant" "Still, don't worry Ranjeet, I'm sure some elephants are very nice" "Can I have knife back, please?" " Promise you won't kill yourself?" " l promise" " Killing myself is not going to help me" " That's the attitude I have much better idea" " l kill her" " No" " Ah, you're still there?" " Yes, I am still here" " l really think you ought to go home" " No, I wait for Ranjeet" " l don't think Ranjeet will be coming tonight - l wait" " ls she still being out in corridor?" " Yeah I'm afraid so Ranjeet" "Miss Courtney won't be very pleased when she finds out about all this" "Oh, dearie me!" "What am I going to be doing?" "Can't you just tell her you're not going to marry her" "But I am not going to be marrying Miss Courtney" " l'm referring to Surrinder" " Oh, no lf l'm telling her that, she is surely going to kill me" " You said you were gonna kill yourself" " That is correct" "Pleaso!" "In my country when a person commits hara kiri lt is custom for besto friend to be presento" " To chop off heado" " Chop off head?" " l will be happy to assisto" " You will do nothing of the sort" "Now please everybody, just sit down" "You're here to learn English!" "We've had enough disruption for one night" "You should leave your personal problems at home!" "Now please all look at your newspapers" " Juan, read out a headline" " Por favor?" " The newspaper" " Si" " Newspaper?" " Read something out" ""increase ln London rats"" " "London rats"?" "!" " Increase ln London Rats" "Rates" "Perdon" "Anna, your turn" ""Vestern Vorld Velcomes Vind of Change"" "Vunderful!" "Very good" "Danielle?" " "Prime minister sold a pup"" " Good" "Now that is a very good example of a figure of speech" "Prime minister sold a pup" "Can you tell me what it means Giovanni?" "He's buying a dog" "No, it's a figure of speech" "Let me give you another example!" "Prime minister sold a dummy" " You know what that means?" " Sure" " Did you understand it?" " Yeah" "Just one thing I not understand" "Does he buy the dummy before or after he buy the pup?" " He doesn't buy anything - Newspaperman is a big liar lt's a figure of speech I told you it's a figure of speech lt doesn't mean what it says" "Typical of Imperial poriticians who distort truth and suppress working classes" "Thank you" "A figure of speech is a way of expressing an idea by way of contrast or comparison lf you are being sold a pup or sold a dummy" "You are being cheated or deceived ln England, we use figures of speech quite a lot" "For example, we say 'as quick as lightning'" "As light as a feather As clean as a whistle" " As blind as a..." "Su Lee?" " As brind as a bat" "Good!" "Because bats cannot see" " Max, as deaf as a..." " Postman" " No Max, posts!" "Because posts cannot hear" " Neither can my postman" " Ali, as sly as a..." " Sikh" " Fox!" "Ranjeet, as mad as a..." " Muslim" " Hatter!" "Taro, as drunk as a..." " Newto" "Lord is more correct" " Jamila, as white as..." " You" "Snow!" "Ali, as smooth as?" "A baby's bottoms" "Alright, we'll break for tea now and continue with the newspapers when we come back" "Please, how am I going to be getting out without being obsreved by the fat one?" "That's your problem" "My problem is to get her off the premises before Miss Courtney finds her" " Look I really think you ought to go home" " No, I stay" " What is going on?" " What is going on?" " What is going on?" " Yes, I'm talking to this lady" " Why is she here?" " She's talking to me" " Why is she sitting in the corridor?" " Why is she sitting in the corridor?" "Must you repeat everything I say?" "I could have sworn that woman wasn't pregnant yesterday" "You are safe now" "Thank you Jamila!" "Thank you" "What you do now?" "Maybe I can jump out of the window" "You'd be lucky!" "We're on the third floor" "Mr. Brown, I have a feeling that something very peculiar is going on" "No, no!" "Everything's perfectly all right I can assure you" " Are you going?" " Yes" "To get a cup of tea" "Oh blimey!" "It's Surinder" "That was sounding like my Ranjeet" " Where is he now?" " l told you he's not here" "Excuse me dearie" "Are you looking for the darky fellow with a beard and a bandage round his head?" " Most definitely" " He's just crawled behind those curtains" "Come out Ranjeet I am knowing you are there" "Come out" "What is the meaning of this?" "I am noticing windows very dirty so I am cleaning them for you I like very much cleaning windows ln the pitch dark?" " Come in off that window ledge at once" " Most certainly" "A thousand apologies" "I kill myself" "Well hurry up!" "Tea break's nearly over" " l am meaning it" " Go on" " l am going to join my ancestors" " Don't keep them waiting too long" " ByeBye everybody" " Bye" " l am doing it now" " So you keep saying" "This is it then" "Come on!" "Hurry up please" "Maybe I am having a cup of coffee before I do it" "Ranjeet, we all know you've not the slightest intention of killing yourself" "So put the knife away and let's discuss this properly" "Now Surinder as I understand it" "You and Ranjeet here were both betrothed when you were children" "Most definitely and now he's not wanting to marry me" "You can't get married unless you love each other lt is his duty to be marrying me otherwise I am losing my face I think she's lost it already" "You wouldn't be happy together" "Can't you just agree to release Ranjeet from his promise?" " And what will become of me?" " l'm sure you'll meet somebody else lf l think I would meet another man I most gladly release Ranjeet" " You would?" " Most certainly" "But who is going to be having me now?" "You know Surinder there is something Mr. Brown is not telling you" " There is?" " Oh, yes indeed" "He has a special reason for wanting you not to be marrying me" " l have?" " He is wanting to marry you himself" " He is wanting to be marrying me?" " l am wanting to marry her?" "I accept" " Ola Mr. Brown" " Good evening Gladys" " When is the happy day then?" " There's not going to be any happy day lt was a complete misunderstanding" "What a pity!" "I thought you and Surinder made a lovely couple" "With all due respect, she was a couple on her own!" "Good evening" "Now before we start I checked your homework last night" "And I have a feeling there have been some sort of chicanery going on" "We not know what you mean" "Well Giovani!" "I'll tell you" "Firstly, there's the fact that five of them are written in the same hand lt's a sheer coincidence" "And is it also a coincidence that you all answered question seven as follows" "Question:" "Explain what is wrong with the following sentence" "'My dogs is in the garden'" "Answer: 'l do not have a garden'" " Give me 10 p. - l want my 10 p." "Back" "You will all receive extra homework tonight" "And please this time make sure you do it yourselves I am apologizing again!" "But I am delayed by Surinder I thought she'd agreed to release you from the marriage now" "Yes, she has!" "But her father is coming here to see you about your marriage now" "Look, there's not going to be any wedding I've broken it off" "Oh dearie me!" "How painful l've written to Surinder's parents explaining that I couldn't possibly marry their daughter I pointed out the differences between our religious and cultural backgrounds" "And the fact I have no intention of marrying anyone" " He should've got the letter this morning" " Oh yes he did" "That is why he is coming!" "He is hoping to be slicing you into many pieces" "Pardon?" "He say you are bringing disgrace on his daughter" "Don't be ridiculous!" "This isn't Punjab!" "It's England, a civilised country" "People just don't go around slicing each other up and I shall tell him so" "Where is this illegitimate offspring of a six-legged camel" "Blimey, I am not knowing where he is" "He is not here!" "He has emigrated" " lsn't it time we went back to the classroom?" " We okay yet - we wait for Giovanni" "Come sit down Sid" " This is Sid the caretaker" " Most happy to make your acquaintance" "Nice to meet you" "You want a cup of coffee, Sid?" " Cup of coffee?" " No thanks" " l wouldn't mind a fag though" " Sure you can have the fag" " Max, a cigarette for Sid" " Okay" "That's very kind of you!" " Sid is gonna talk to us" " What is he going to be talking about?" "Anything!" "It's to improve our English!" "Instead of us all the time speak to each other, we speak with Sid I think is very good idea" " What we're gonna talk about?" " You'll have to talk up I'm a bit Mutt and Jeff" "Excuse me!" "Who are these Mutt and Jeff?" "Mutt and Jeff is deaf" "Scuse!" "What we gonna talk about?" "I don't mind!" "I'm just happy to rest my plates of meat" "Excuse please!" "I am not seeing any plates of meat" "Plates of meat is feet" " Your feet are plates of meat?" " Yes lt's slang you see!" "It's easy if you use your Uncle Ned" " l am not having an uncle Ned" " Uncle Ned!" "Your uncle Ned?" " Uncle Ned?" " Yes" " You mean he's crazy?" " No but I think you lot are" " l think you're taking the mick" " No" "We are interested in everything you tell us!" "Already you are teaching us words we not learn before" " Please teach us more" " Yeah" " l'll tell you about what happened last night" " Yes please" "Well first of all, I had a bit of a bull and a cow with the trouble and strife lt was all over the dustbin lids!" "I went down the frog and toad into the rub-a-dub and I met my old china plate" "He looked a bit Unce Dick so I get him a Jack the Dandy and I had a Vera Lynn" "One thing led to another and we were both Brahms and Liszt" "So I staggered back home, took off my Dickie dirt and my daisy roots" "And passed out like a light on the apples and pears" "Blimey I think we are better off talking with each other lsn't it time you were all back in the classroom?" "Sorry professori, we've just been talking with Sid I've just been helping them with their English Mr. Brown" "That should set them back a few weeks" " l beg your pardon?" " lt doesn't matter" "Alright!" "We are not understanding a word he's saying Mr. Brown" "He's telling us about his Uncle Dick!" "Somebody called Jack the Dandy and Brahms and Liszt" "He was speaking in rhyming slang" "And all the time we think he's English" "He is English!" "He's what is known as a cockney" "Rhyming slang is merely using words that rhyme with the word you wish to use" "For example, mince pies are eyes" " Plates of meat are feet" " Yes" " l understand, Uncle Ned is head" " That's right" " And what is Uncle Dick?" " l presume that's sick" " And Jack the Dandy?" " Brandy" " Brahms and Liszt?" " Drunk" " That's not rhyme - lt's near enough" "Come along, we have a lot of work to do!" "Back to the classroom" "What is going on in here?" "Where is Mr. Brown?" "He will be here any minute!" "He is coming from the tea room" "Ten minutes is the normal time to have a tea Mr. Brown" "Yes of course!" "We were discussing parts of speech" "Well in future, I'd be obliged if you'd do it in the class" "Certainly!" "How are your students coming along with their English?" "Extremely well" "Good, I shall stay and listen for a few minutes" "Don't worry!" "I shan't interfere!" "I make it a practise to drop on the classes from time to time" "To see what sort of progress is being made lt's Beef Stroganoff in the cookery class tonight" " Are you trying to get rid of me?" " No, I just thought you might fancy a bit" "I don't, so will you please begin?" "Right!" "For the rest of this period we're going to talk about shopping I like him!" "He's very good!" " Pardon?" " Shoppin!" "I like his Polonaise" "Giovanni, that's Chopin!" "He must have misheard me!" "We're going to talk about shopping, buying things I have here various items which, at some time or another you will probably purchase" "So I'm gonna hold them up and ask you to identify them" "And we'll see how well you do, alright?" " Now who shall we start with?" "Ali" " Yes please" " What is this?" " Apple" " Lovely!" "Jelly good - You're not supposed to eat it I am most sorry!" "I only had a small bite" "You might as well finish it now!" " Su Lee, what is this?" " lt is olange" " Rrrr, Rrrr Orange" " Olrange" " That's better" " You really must work on those R sounds" " l tly velly hard" " Try saying..." ""Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran"" ""Alound luged locks, lagged lascal lan"" "You're gonna have to keep practising" " Anna, what's this?" " A paper bag" " Yes, but what's inside it?" " l don't know!" "I cannot see inside" " lt's flour!" "You know what flour is?" " Ja, what you wear at wedding" "No, no, no, this isn't that kind of flower!" "This is flour to make pastry and bread" " Veismal" " Yes" " Jamila" " Yes" "What is this?" "I'm sure you're right but what is it in English?" "Have you ever heard of a carrot?" " Carrot?" " Yes carrot" "Horse and carrot" " Incredible!" " No, no Jamila" "That's horse and cart!" "This is a carrot!" "Who can tell me what these are?" " Fish fingers" " Good, well done Danielle" " Excuse please" " No Ali, don't say it" "What don't I say?" "You weren't going to say anything about fish not having fingers" " Yes please" " Well don't bother" " Max" " Tomato" " Good, Taro!" " Potarto" " Potato" " Ah so" "Giovanni!" " Lime Juice" " Good" " Juan" " Cow Juice" " Milk" " Si, milk" " Do you know where we get milk from Juan?" " Si senora, milkman" " Quiet please!" "We get milk from cows" " Si, cows!" "Vaca!" " Ranjeet!" " Corn flakes" " No oats" " Oats" "So that is oats!" "My friend who I am working with" "Every morning he is telling me last night he is having his oats" " He is telling me he likes them very much - l'm sure he does" " Who can tell me what this is?" " Bacon" " Good, and where does bacon come from?" " Milkman" " Bacon does not come from the milkman" " Every week I buy bacon from milkman" " Pig, pig" " Are you calling me pig?" " You are a pig you ltalian ravioli" " Shut your plates of meat" "That'll do!" "What Giovanni was trying to say was that bacon comes from a pig lt's alright" "Can anyone tell me what we call a pig after it has been killed?" " Yes please, it is dead pig!" " Amazing" "No Ali, that's pork!" " What is this?" "Anybody?" " A tin of meat" " Yes, actually it's a tin of dog meat" " Oh blimey, you're putting dogs in tins to eat" " l think I've heard enough" " They are better than they were" "They could hardly be worse!" "She's absolutely right you know!" "Some of you are very behind I spend a lot of time preparing these lessons" "And some of you don't take them half as serious as they should lt's time you put your shoulders to the wheel" " What wheel please?" " Learning l think you better stay an extra half hour tonight" " lt's Friday night!" "I got a date - l don't care I want you to do the exercises on page 53, all of them" "And you don't go until you've finished" "So long!" " l've locked up the tea room Sid" " Thanks Glad" " Fancy a drink Girl?" " No I want to get home l must have a pint!" "My throat's spitting fevers" " What was that?" " l think it is somebody at the door" "Come in!" "Hello, is anybody there?" " Cheerio Sid!" "See you on Monday" " Good night Gladys" "It's no good!" "I can't get it open I know!" "Why not we smash the door up?" "No, no!" "It's worth a try, alright!" "Stand back everyone" "Careful of splits!" " You haven't opened the door - l think I've broken my arm" " We are all going to die" " Don't be so dramatic" "Maybe we shout again I don't think my throat would stand any more" "Hey look!" "There's a man in the street!" "Help, help!" "He won't hear us from up here!" "Wave to him" " He has seen us" " Good" "He's waving back" "He obviously thinks we're just being friendly" "He's gone" " We are all going to die" " Nobody is going to die" "What we need is something to be attracting the attention of passer by" "Yes, Danielle should wave from window by herself lt still may not be sufficient to attract enough attention lt would be if she took all her clothes off" " That's a good idea" " No it isn't" "Now, just sit down everybody!" "We'll just have to think this one out" "There must be a simple solution" "And if there isn't, we'll just have to wait until somebody misses one of us" "But what if nobody is missing anybody" "We could be being stuck here together until Monday morning" "We are all going to die" "Ali, nobody is going to die!" "Only you is going to die" " Me?" " Yes" "Because if you say we are all going to die once more, I shall strangle you" "There are eleven of us here!" "It is obvious that sooner or later, one of us will be missed" " Will you be missed sir?" " Well no but I live alone in a flat" " But for example, take Danielle - l would love to take Danielle I'm sure that, being an au pair" "Your English family will miss you when you don't return" "No, they are away for the weekend" "Well Anna, what about your English family?" " Are they away?" " No" " They'll obviously be worried!" " No" " No?" " lt is my weekend off!" " l was spending it with Danielle" " We are all going to die" "Ali!" "Taro, what about you?" "You're married!" "Won't your wife miss you?" " Wife already missing me" " There you are" "Unfortunately, she is with parents in Tokyo" "What about you Giovanni?" "You work in a restaurant" " Surely your employer will miss you" " Sure he's gonna miss me" " So presumably, he'll do something about it" " Yes, he's gonna give me the sack" "Somebody's bound to miss somebody" "And if the worst happens, then..." "Don't worry we can survive the weekend!" "We've got plenty of food and drink!" "We'll just have to keep our spirits up!" "Try and be cheerful" "Think of things to do to pass the time" " l tell ajoke!" " Good idea Giovanni" "We'll all tell jokes!" "That will help pass the time!" "Go ahead Giovanni!" "Ok, there was this man and he has gangrene in the leg" " Are you sure this is a joke?" " Sure, it's very funny" "Anyway, he goes into the hospital to have the leg chopped off" "After the operation, when he's come back to being conscious" "He sees the doctor looking very worried!" "'What's the matter doctor', he say" "The doctor replies, 'Senor I have bad news and I have good news'" "So, the man say, 'OK, give me the bad news'" "The doctor say, 'l have chopped off the wrong leg'" "Santa Maria, the man say, 'what is the good news?" "'" "The doctor say 'Your other leg is getting better'" " Well go on" " That's the joke" " Very droll" " Another Uncle Ned" "Does anybody else got a funny story?" "Do you know it take two Sikhs to milk one goat?" " Two?" " Yes please" "One to be holding the tits and one to be lifting the goat up and down" "And did you know that in Pakistan they have no ice" "Because the man who is knowing to be making ice has emigrated" " Are you saying all Pakistanis are stupid?" " No, just you" "Sit down!" "No more racialistjokes please" " Has anybody else got a funny story?" " Por favore" "A funny story, ajoke!" " Chista" " Ah, chista!" "Si, si" "I'm sure that was extremely hilarious, lf only we knew what it was about!" "Taro, what about a Japanese joke in English please" "Old Japanese ploverb say..." ""Man who seduces girl on hillside, not on the level"" "Very clever!" "Su Lee, what about a sample of Chinese humour?" "In democlatic repubric of China, we have no time for decadent bourgoise humour" "No, I don't suppose you do!" "Danielle, what about you?" " l have a French joke for you" " Good" " l tell you about the catholic priest!" " Yeah, that sounds better" " Yes?" " Come on" "There was the priest out walking and a gendarme come up and say" "Father, come quickly, there is a man on the top of the Eiffel Tower" "And he is going to jump!" "So the father goes to the tower and sees the man" "What are doing?" "You're mad!" "Think of your family!" "Think of your wife" "So the man says 'My wife has left me!" "I have no family!" "So I jump'" "The priest, he tries one more time" "So he says, lt is a sin against the catholic church" "The man says 'l am not catholic'" "OK, says the priest, jump!" " Yeah Anna, what about a joke?" " l don't know any jokes" "Professori, why don't you tell us ajoke?" "All right, i'll tell you one I heard at my last school" "One of the boys was sent home one day" "And his father asked him why he'd been sent home, he refused to tell him" "So his father went to see the Headmaster" "The Headmaster said 'l'll tell you why your son was sent home'" "When the teacher asked him who pushed down the Walls of Jericho" "He said it wasn't me" "So the father said if he said he didn't do it, then he didn't do it" "Excuse please" "What is the matter Ali?" "Didn't you understand the joke?" "Yes but what I didn't understand is who did push down the Walls of Jericho?" "Anybody else got ajoke?" "No?" "What about a sing song I am knowing good English sing song all about rolling me over in the clover l don't think we want that one!" "Thank you" " Does anybody know Daisy?" " ls she beautiful?" "It's a song, Daisy!" "It goes like this..." "'Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do I'm half crazy, over the love of you'" "Excellent!" "What shall we sing next?" " Can't we have a rest?" " l don't know that one!" "is it French?" "Yes, I'm sorry!" "Can anyone tell me the exact time?" " Three minutes past eleven - only 58 hours until Monday morning" "So I said to the wife 'You're lucky, I'm still living'" "What's up?" " Lord" " What's up?" "I must be as drunk as you are I can see the teachers in the school waving at me out of the window lt must be worse than I thought I can see him and I don't even know him" "I hope you haven't dragged me down here on a wild goose chase" " l tell you!" "I definitely saw them - lt's most inconvenient" " lt's not my fault, I lost the front door key" " Of course, it's your fault you silly little man" "At last!" "Miss Courtney, how nice to see you I'm afraid I can't return the compliment" "Come along!" "Good night" "I'll go and see there's nobody else anywhere" " l'm terribly sorry - l should hope you are" " l hope it hasn't inconvenienced you" " Of course it inconvenienced me I was quite happily curled up in bed with Daphne du Maurier I am really sorry about this" " Now what's the matter?" " l've left my shopping in the class" "For heaven's sake, hurry up and get it" " You're gonna take all night?" " No, No, no" "Well hurry up!" "Sid!" "Sid, Sidney!" "We're locked in" "Now we mustn't panic!" "We can last out until Monday morning!" "Have a carrot" "Let's have a sing song!" " Good evening everyone" " Good evening" " Good evening" " Good heaven Ranjeet" "You're actually here on time" " Yes" " Well done" "Yes, thank you Juan and thank you for carrying it" "Yes, thank you very much" " You spanish creeper" " You Italian" "All right, settle down everybody!" "We've got a lot of work to do tonight" "Excuse please" " Just sit down a minute Ali, will you?" " No thank you I am only coming to tell you I am not coming" " Not coming?" " Yes please" "You can't leave in the middle of a term I mean you were doing quite well!" "Why do you want to leave?" " Oh blimey, I am coming up on the puddles" " Coming up on the puddles?" " Yes please, the football puddles?" " The football pools" "Yes please!" "I am getting eight scoring draws" " How many draws on the coupons?" " Only the eight I am getting" "Hey how much you win?" "Oh blimey, it could be half a million pounds" "Santa Maria I'm very happy for you!" "Because you're my best friend" "He's also my friend" "And mine" " l am the true friend of Ali" " You?" "But of course!" "We are practically bloody brothers!" " l thought you didn't like Muslims - l love Muslims" "Especially when they are having half a million pounds!" "Well, I don't know what to say Ali I mean I'm very pleased for you of course" " l am also being very pleased for me" " What will you do?" "Oh blimey, I am going to bed" " To bed?" " Yes please" "With all that money, I'm not needing to be working, so I'm going to bed" " You mean you're going to retire" " Most definitely" "You're quite sure you've got eight score draws?" "Oh yes, I got the copy" "Here please, the ones I'm ticking off" "Ali, I don't think you're going to retire just yet" " He's not gotta eight draws?" " Oh yes" " He's gotta eight... he's got eight draws" " Good" "But they're not all on the same line!" " What difference is that making?" " lt means you haven't won anything" " Notting at all?" " Notting at all" "Bellos!" "Loco!" "That is typical of that Muslim twit!" "No brains whatsoever" "Oh blimey, you are changing tune" "When you are thinking that I am very wealthy you are being my bloody brother" "Don't you call me stupid you bearded baboon!" "Quiet the pair of you and sit down I presume you're staying now Ali" " l'm staying now, yes" " Good" "Now this evening I thought we'd try some practical use of the English language" "By acting out various situations that you might come across in real life" " Now, we'll start with you Taro - "Aso"" " Now, you are going to the bank" " Banko, yes" " Where are you going?" " Banko" " No, it's only a pretend bank" " Pletendo?" "Yeso!" "We'll imagine this table is the bank counter and I am the bank clerk" "And you are a customer and you're coming to cash a cheque" " All right?" " Ok" " Good morning Sir - lt is not good morning time lt is good night time" "Yes, it is now!" "But we are just pretending" " Aso, Cally on" " Thank you" " Good morning Sir" " One moment" " What is it now?" " Are you Barclays or Midlando?" "It doesn't really matter!" "Midland if you like" " Good morning Sir" " Goodbye" "Goodbye?" "Midlando not my banko!" "Barclays my banko" "All right, it's Barclays" " Good morning Sir" " Good morning" " You wish to cash a cheque?" " Yes pleaso" "Good!" "How much?" "Ten pounds?" " Twenty?" "Thirty?" " Thirty" " And how do you want it?" " ln money please" "Yes but do you want thirty in tens, ones or fives or what?" " Can I have thirty fives?" " No, that would be 150 pounds" " Solly for mistako" " Not to worry" "Thank you Taro!" "That wasn't too bad" "Now, who should we have next?" "Ah, Danielle" "You are the nicest banker I've seen" "Yes, well we're not in the bank now!" "I want you to imagine something different" " l have a very good imagination - l'm sure you have" "Now you are going into a post office and I am the assistant" " Excuse me, can you help me?" " Certainly Madam!" "What is it you wish?" "How much is it a letter to post?" " ls it someone in England?" " No, no it's a Swiss letter" " A Swiss letter?" " Yes, I write to my boyfriend in Switzerland" "Well, it's more correct to say you want to send a letter to Switzerland not a Swiss letter lt could be very embarrassing if you were writing to somebody in France" " Excuse me?" " lt doesn't matter I am thinking I need some extra English lessons" "Maybe I could stay here with you after the class I don't think we could do that" "Well I come home with you and you could teach me a lot" "Yes I'm sure I could!" "But I think you know quite sufficient already" " Now, is there anything else you want?" " Yes but I cannot tell you here" " From the post office" " No, nothing" "Well alright, thank you Danielle, that will do" " Now, Juan" " Si senor" " You're going to the Employment Exchange" " Por Favore" " You are going to get a job" " No, I already have ajob" "Yes I know that, we're assuming you don't" "And you're going to the Employment Exchange to get one" " As I explained to Taro, we're pretending - lt's alright" " Now, what is your name?" " You already know my name I do but the clerk at the job desk doesn't" "Ah, si!" "Juan Cervantes para Serville" " Are you married?" " Si l married to Gina Lollabrigida" " Don't be ridiculous" " Pretending" "Touche', alright!" " What sort of ajob are you looking for?" " Plenty money job I see and what is the work you want to do in order to earn this plenty money?" "Plenty little!" "Alright Juan!" "Thank you!" "That will be sufficient" "Pity, I like it!" "A very good game!" "Thank you!" "Now, Ranjeet" "What is it you are wanting me to do?" " You are going to the Doctor's" " What is the nature of my complaint?" " Let's just say you don't feel well" " But I'm never feeling better" " Pretend you have a cold" " A cold what?" "Alright, let's forget about the cold" " Just imagine you have a pain" " Very well sir" "Well go on" "A thousand apologies!" "I am waiting for you to say 'Next please'" " Doctor always say 'Next please'" " Next please" " Good morning Doctor" " Good morning" " And what seems to be the trouble?" " l have a terrible pain" " Where?" " ln my imagination" "You're supposed to be pretending it's a real pain" "A thousand apologies again!" " l have a real terrible pain" " Good" " Where is this pain?" " ln my foot" "His brains are hurting" " Your backside will be hurting in a moment" " Blimey you can't even crack a pompadom" " l give you bunches of fivers - l give you bunches of tenners" "Miss Courtney" "What on earth is going on in here?" "We were just having a few practical lessons" " What in, unarmed combat?" " lt might come in useful" "Well I'm afraid your students will have to do without you for a little while" " You're wanted down at the police station" " The police station?" "There's no need to look so guilty!" "It's nothing you've done lt's about one of your students!" "The Indian lady" " Jamila?" "Has anything happened to her?" " Yes" "She's been arrested for shoplifting!" "Hello" "Constable Wilkings?" "Where the devil are you?" "You should've been back here by now" "Pardon?" "No i will not send a Panda car for you I don't care if somebody has pinched your bicycle!" "Pinch somebody else's" "Would you like a cup of tea?" "Tea, cup! "Char"" "Char, yes please no thank you!" "4 sugar" "Don't run away" "Jamila!" "Are you all right?" "What did she say Ali?" " ln English" " Excuse me please" "She is saying she is very glad we are coming to help her escape" "Ask her what she stole" " Well?" " Nothing" "She must have said more than that" "Yes please!" "She is saying she only took a book from the newspapershop" "But the book was free" "There's obviously been some misunderstanding!" "I'll sort it out with the police" " Will they be sending her to prison?" " No, no!" "I don't think it's that drastic I'll have a word with the sergeant!" "Five pounds ought to do it" "Ah, I'm understanding!" "That is a fine" "No, no, no!" "Not exactly a fine!" "Let's say it's a little gift" " Gift?" " Yes lt's an old English custom!" "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" " You scratch my back, I scratch yours" " That's right" "Very well!" "Where are you being itchy?" "No, no, never mind!" " Char" " Good evening" " Good evening" " Good evening" " Are you Mr. Brown?" " No, he is Mr. Brown I was speaking to him ln that case, you were right first time" " Who are you?" " Ali Nadim" "No, I am Ali Nadim!" "You are Mr. Brown" "Yes Ali, I'll do the talking, alright?" "You just leave it to me" "Now I'm sure we can sort this out, inspector" "The Commissioner looks after promotions here sir" "Yes, you look like an inspector l'm sure it's only a question of time" "May I compliment you on your station and what a wonderful job you're doing" "Thank you sir" " Now about this young lady?" " Ah yes I expect you'd like to have a look at my driving licence" " What for?" " To verify my identity" " You said you were Mr. Brown" " Yes but you want some proof, don't you?" "Look if you tell me you're Mr. Brown I accept that is the truth" " Yes but I could have been lying" " Were you lying?" "No, he's definitely Mr. Brown!" " He is telling the truth" " Ali" " l insist you look at my driving licence" " Oh very well, if it will make you happy" " ls this yours sir?" " Pardon?" "This five pound note was inside you driving licence" "Are you sure?" "It could have dropped out of your trouser pocket" "Oh yes!" "And dropped upwards I suppose on to the desk?" "Perhaps you had it tucked up your sleeves" "Yes and I could have a couple of doves up the other but I haven't lt was definitely in your licence" "Yes sergeant is correct!" "I remember you putting it there not a moment ago I forgot lt was just before you said "You scratch my back, I scratch yours"" " Thank you George Washington" " No I'm Ali" "Yes Ali, just be quiet please" " Now sergeant, about this young lady" " Yes the accused" "Remember British Justice!" "A person is presumed innocent until proven guilty" " And this poor lady is innocent - l know that" "Just because she's an immigrant you can't go picking on - pardon?" "Oh she pinched the book all right but she thought it was buckshee" "See what it says on the front cover?" " Free inside!" "Colour supplement" " That's right" " And she thought the whole book was free" " Yes" "So it wasn't her fault lf anyone's to blame, it's the person who's teaching her English" "It's not always easy!" "Well if that's all we'll be getting along!" "Come along Jamila" "Before you go sir" "Would you like to make a donation to our Police charity fund?" "Well as a matter of fact, you've caught me at a rather awkaward moment" "What about the fiver?" "You remember sir, the one you thought you never had" "Oh, that fiver!" "You know what they say sir, what you've never had you never miss" "Unless you knew it was there all the time ln which case it would come under bribery and corruption" "You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" "I see Mr. Brown is not back" "What are you doing at the moment?" " We are studying our English Glammar" " Good" "And how far have you got?" "Let me see your book" "Giovanni, Miss Courtney would like to see your book I want to see your book" "Thank you" ""The affairs of a Call Girl"" "I thought it was about the adventures of a telephone operator!" "Honest" "A likely story!" "Well, until Mr. Brown returns I shall take the class" " Senora, where are you taking us - l'm not taking you anywhere I shall ask you a few questions on general knowledge" "Now first of all, can anybody tell me who said "To be or not to be"?" " Please you just said it" " Yes" "But before I said it, who said it?" " Excuse prease - yes" "Chairman Mao lt may come as a surprise to you, but other people wrote things besides Chairman Mao" "Chairman Mao lite everything" "He certainly didn't lite - write - "To be or not to be"!" "Does anybody know?" " William Shakespeare" " Correct" "Excuse please!" "Who is this William Spearshake?" " Shakespeare" " A thousand apologies" "Are you not familiar with Shakespeare's works?" " ls it a big place?" " ls what a big place?" "These works of Shakespeare" " l'm referring to the things he wrote" " Scusi" "Can anybody tell me what the population of England is?" " Miss Shmidt?" " Ja, English" "Not any longer" "However, what I really meant was how many there are?" "I don't know, I haven't counted them" "Let me ask you a simple question" " Mr. Nagazumi - "Aso"" "Can you tell me how many P's there are in a pound?" "Depend on size of peas l think you'd better all go back to studying your books until Mr. Brown returns" "He surely can't be much longer" "I wish she'd tell us why she's brought us back here" "She just said she was having something to show you" "She is saying thank you for saving her from the police" "And hopes you'll do the same next time" "Well let's hope there's not going to be a next time" "Free Offer!" "2 p." "Off each tin" " Supermark" " Supermarket" "They've obviously been having..." "Oh no!" "Free offer!" "You haven't been taking things from the supermarket" "Oh dearie me!" " You can say that again" " Oh dearie me" "We must be going back to see the Police Sergeant and scratch his back again" "We can't do that!" "He'll never believe this was a mistake" "Pinching a magazine is one thing" "But knocking off half a supermarket is rather a different matter" "On the other hand, we can't let Jamila keep all these stolen goods!" "It's dishonest" "She can give them to me!" " l do not minding being dishonest" " Yes, I'm sure you're not" "Now listen Ali, I want you to go back to the school" "And ask all the students to meet Jamila and I outside the supermarket" " What are we going to be doing?" " We're going to put all these things back" " Gladys, is everything locked up?" " Yes Miss Courtney" "By the way, I don't suppose you could give me a lift I'm afraid I'm not going straight home tonight" "There's a few things I need from the supermarket" "Right, now you all know what to do!" "Just be very careful that nobody sees you" "What are you doing here?" "I suppose you could say it was an extra curricular activity" " Sir, excuse me!" "It's stuck" " What are you doing with thatjar?" "Trying to get it out lt's a long story, Miss Courtney!" "I'll explain later" "Let me give you a hand" "All right, I've been watching you!" "Just what do you think you're doing?" "Would you believe we're putting things back?" " No - l didn't think you would" "Well, well, well!" "Regular little Fagin, aren't you?" "I can explain Sergeant" "You're not going to show me your licence again, are you?" "That's a relief" "See, we were actually trying to return these goods" "Ask the students" "Quiet" "Now look, Sergeant, lt was obviously just been a misunderstanding I see no reason why we should pursue this any further" " l'm sorry Madam" " Miss if you don't mind" "Yes!" "Well I'm afraid I shall have to make a report out on this affair" " Now couldn't you forget it ever happened?" " No I'm sure your Police Charity Fund wouldn't say no to another contribution Sergeant" "Well, we're always grateful for anything, sir" " Shall we say another five pounds?" " That's very generous of you" "Come along everybody" "Just a moment Mr. Brown" "Where are you going?" "I haven't made out my report yet" "Yeah but I've just given you five pounds to forget it" "Oh no sir" "You've very kindly donated five pounds to our charity fund" " lt wasn't meant as a bribe, was it sir?" " No" "Good, now let's take a few names" " You Madam, sorry Miss" " Courtney" " Thank you!" "You sir" " Si" " What is your name?" " Por favore" " How do you spell that?" " That's not his name" " Giving me a false name, eh?" " Por favore I'll come back to you, Mr. Por Favore or whatever your name is" " You" " Yes please" " What is your name?" " No, Watt is not my name I don't want to know what your name is not" " What is your name?" " And I am telling you it is not" " You, what is his name?" " Nein" "Now we're getting somewhere Mr. Nine" " That is not his name?" " You just said it was" "You ask me if his name is Watt, and I tell you Nein" "His name is not Watt but also not Nein I'm going around the bend" " What is his name?" " Absolutely not" "Not what?" "That is correct" " What is your name?" " Wrong again" " He's not here" " Who's not here?" " Watt" " Pardon" "Who is not here and Watt is not here neither" "You're all barmy" "Mr. Brown, if I promise not to proceed with this report" " Will you do me a favour?" " Yes what is it?" "Take these crackpots out of here and promise never to bring them back" "Even if they've committed a murder!" "Good evening Miss Courtney or should I say Miz" "Please don't remind me of last night's unfortunate incident" "Sorry I hope you've explained to your Indian lady the difference between Free and Free Offer" "Yes, she understands it!" "Don't worry, it won't happen again" "Excuse me!" "I'm looking for a Jamila Ranjhatt" " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" " l hope not" "Why do you want Jamila?" "She ordered a mini bike from us over a month ago and she hasn't paid us" "We've sent her three invoices" " She actually ordered the bike" " Oh yes, she sent in the coupon" " Here it is" " Oh no, she's done it again" "Seven day free trial"