"IT'S..." "AH!" "MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with whoosh )" "( audience laughter )" "HAVE YOU FINISHED IN THERE YET?" "( overture to Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto playing )" "( laughter )" "( laughter )" ""TO THE OBVIOUS LAVATORIAL TURN THIS SHOW HAS ALREADY TAKEN." ""WHY DO WE NEVER HEAR ABOUT THE GOOD THINGS IN BRITAIN" ""LIKE MARY BIGNALL'S WONDERFUL JUMP IN 1964?" "YOURS ETC., KEN VOYEUR."" "( crowd cheering )" ""TO THE OBVIOUS ATHLETIC TURN THIS SHOW HAS NOW TAKEN." ""WHY CAN'T WE HEAR MORE ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY?" ""THERE IS NOTHING EMBARRASSING OR NASTY ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY" "EXCEPT FOR THE INTESTINES AND BITS OF THE BOTTOM."" "EXCEPT FOR THE INTESTINES AND BITS OF THE BOTTOM."" ""THEY ARE CLEARLY NOT WRITTEN BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC" ""AND ARE MERELY INCLUDED FOR A CHEAP LAUGH." "YOURS ETC., WILLIAM KNICKERS."" "( orchestra playing final note )" "( toilet flushing )" "public:" "THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY REVOLTING." "NASTY." "DISGUSTING." "RUBBISH." "( bang )" "I, TOO, TAKE STRONG EXCEPTION" "TO THIS RESURGENCE OF CHEAP JOKES ABOUT POO-POOS." "MR. VOYEUR'S LETTER STATED VERY..." "OH..." "UM..." "EXCUSE ME." "( toilet flushing )" "AS I WAS SAYING, THE LETTER PREVIOUSLY READ MADE QUITE CLEAR" "THE VIEW OF A GREAT MAJORITY... ( majestic processional playing )" "1348..." "THE BLACK DEATH, TYPHUS, CHOLERA" "CONSUMPTION, BUBONIC PLAGUE..." "AH, THOSE WERE THE DAYS." "NOW, I'M NOT..." "I'M... ( applause )" "NOW, I'M NOT PREPARED TO GO ON WITH THIS" "UNLESS THESE INTERRUPTIONS CEASE" " ALL RIGHT?" "RIGHT." "THE DEVASTATING EFFECT" "OF THESE... ( clock ticking )" "( car horn honking )" "( clock ticking )" "( engine roaring )" "( clock ticking )" "( tires squealing )" "( loud crashing )" "( glasses clinking )" "NO, DON'T FOLLOW ME, AND DON'T ZOOM IN ON ME." "NO, I'M OFF, I'M OFF." "THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL." "I'M OFF." "ARE YOU NERVY, IRRITABLE, DEPRESSED, TIRED OF LIFE?" "KEEP IT UP." "( laughter )" "THIS HOUSE IS SURROUNDED." "I'M AFRAID I MUST NOT ASK ANYONE" "TO LEAVE THE ROOM." "NO, I MUST ASK NOBODY..." "NO, I MUST ASK EVERYBODY..." "TO..." "I MUST NOT ASK" "ANYONE TO LEAVE..." "NO ONE MUST BE ASKED BY ME TO LEAVE ROOM..." "NO, NO ONE MUST ASK THE ROOM TO LEAVE I." "I ASK THE ROOM, SHALL MY SOMEONE BE LEFT?" "NOT..." "ASK NOBODY THE ROOM" "SOMEBODY LEAVE SHALL I?" "SHALL I LEAVE THE ROOM?" "EVERYONE MUST LEAVE THE ROOM AS IT IS..." "WITH THEM IN IT." "UNDERSTAND?" "YOU DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO LEAVE THE ROOM." "( laughter )" "NOW, ALDUCE ME TO INTROLOW MYSELF." "I'M SORRY..." "ALSELF ME TO MYDUCE INTROLOW..." "INTROME TO-LOSE MYLOW." "ALME TO YOU INTROSELF MY..." "EXCUSE ME A MOMENT." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF." "I'M AFRAID I MUST ASK THAT NO ONE LEAVE THE ROOM." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF:" "I'M INSPECTOR TIGER." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF:" "I'M INSPECTOR TIGER." "WHERE, WHERE?" "!" "( chuckling )" "ME TIGER..." "YOU JANE." "( growling lewdly )" "BEG YOUR PARDON." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF." "I'M AFRAID I MUST ASK THAT NO ONE LEAVE THE ROOM." "WHY NOT?" "ELEMENTARY." "SINCE THE BODY WAS FOUND IN THIS ROOM" "AND NO ONE HAS LEFT IT" "THEREFORE THE MURDERER MUST BE SOMEBODY" "IN THIS ROOM." "WHAT BODY?" "!" "SOMEBODY..." "IN THIS ROOM MUST THE MURDERER BE." "THE MURDERER OF THE BODY" "IS SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM" "WHICH NOBODY MUST LEAVE." "LEAVE THE BODY IN THE ROOM NOT TO BE LEFT BY ANYBODY." "NOBODY LEAVES ANYBODY OR THE BODY WITH SOMEBODY." "ANYBODY WHO IS ANYBODY SHALL LEAVE THE BODY IN THE ROOM-BODY." "TAKE THE TABLETS, TIGER." "ANYBODY WITH A BODY BUT NOT THE BODY IS NOBODY." "NOBODY LEAVES THE BODY IN THE... ( gulps )" "ALBODY ME INTROBODY AL..." "( sawing )" "NOW FOR SIR GERALD." "THAT'S BETTER." "NOW, I'M INSPECTOR TIGER" "AND I MUST ASK THAT NOBODY LEAVE THE ROOM." "NOW, SOMEONE HAS COMMITTED A MURDER HERE" "AND THAT MURDERER IS SOMEONE IN THIS ROOM." "THE QUESTION IS..." "WHO?" "LOOK, THERE HASN'T BEEN A MURDER." "NO MURDER?" "NO MURDER?" "OH." "I DON'T LIKE IT." "IT'S TOO SIMPLE" "TOO CLEAR-CUT." "I'D BETTER WAIT." "NO, TOO SIMPLE, TOO CLEAR-CUT." "( man screaming )" "( gunshot )" "BY JOVE" "HE WAS RIGHT!" "THIS HOUSE IS SURROUNDED." "I MUST ASK THAT NO ONE LEAVE THE ROOM." "I'M CHIEF SUPERINTENDENT LOOKOUT." "LOOKOUT?" "WHAT?" "WHERE?" "( laughter )" "OH, ME..." "LOOKOUT." "LOOKOUT OF THE YARD." "WHY?" "WHAT WOULD WE SEE?" "SORRY?" "WELL, WHAT WILL WE SEE IF WE LOOK OUT OF THE YARD?" "( laughter )" "I'M AFRAID I DON'T FOLLOW THAT AT ALL." "AHA!" "THE BODY." "SO, THE MURDERER MUST BE SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM..." "UNLESS HE HAD VERY LONG ARMS..." "SAY 30 OR 40 FEET." "I THINK WE CAN DISCOUNT THAT ONE." "( laughing )" "( laughing uproariously )" ""LOOK OUT OF THE YARD"!" "VERY GOOD." "RIGHT..." "NOW WE'LL RECONSTRUCT THE CRIME." "I'LL SIT DOWN HERE." "CONSTABLE, YOU TURN OFF THE LIGHTS." "GOOD." "NOW, THEN..." "THERE WAS A SCREAM... ( man screaming )" "THEN JUST BEFORE THE LIGHTS WENT UP, THERE WAS A SHOT." "( gunshot )" "( laughter )" "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "THE HOUSE IS SURROUNDED" "AND NOBODY LEAVE THE ROOM" "AND ALL THE REST OF IT." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF." "I'M ASSISTANT CHIEF CONSTABLE THERESAMANBEHINDYER." "I'M ASSISTANT CHIEF CONSTABLE THERESAMANBEHINDYER." "OH, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CATCH ME" "WITH AN OLD ONE LIKE THAT." "RIGHT..." "LET'S RECONSTRUCT THE CRIME." "CONSTABLE, YOU BE INSPECTOR TIGER." "RIGHT, SIR." "NOBODY LEAVE THE ROOM I SHALL." "SOMEBODY I LEAVE NOBODY IN THE ROOM-BODY" "SHALL..." "TAKE THE TABLETS, TIGER BUDDY." "ALSELF ME... ( applause )" "VERY GOOD..." "JUST SIT DOWN THERE." "VERY GOOD, THANK YOU." "RIGHT." "NOW, WE'LL PRETEND" "THE LIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT." "CONSTABLE, YOU SCREAM." "( screaming )" "SOMEBODY SHOOTS YOU." "( gunshot )" "AND THE DOOR OPENS." "NOBODY MOVE." "I AM CHIEF CONSTABLE FIRE." "I AM CHIEF CONSTABLE FIRE." "WHERE, WHERE?" "WE'RE INTERRUPTING THIS SKETCH" "BUT WE'LL BE BRINGING YOU BACK" "THE MOMENT ANYTHING INTERESTING HAPPENS." "MEANWHILE, HERE ARE SOME FRIENDS OF MINE." "( brass instruments and drums playing funeral march )" "( thud )" "( drums picking up tempo )" "( trumpet plays upbeat notes )" "( jazz playing )" ""I'M SORRY THIS LETTER IS LATE." ""IT SHOULD HAVE COME AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PROGRAM." "YOURS, IVOR BIGBOTTIE, AGE TWO."" "FROM THE PLASTIC ARTS, WE TURN TO FOOTBALL." "LAST NIGHT IN THE STADIUM OF LIGHT, JARROW" "WE WITNESSED THE RESUSCITATION OF A GREAT FOOTBALLING TRADITION" "WHEN JARROW UNITED CAME OF AGE, IN A EUROPEAN SENSE" "WITH AN ALMOST PROUSTIAN DISPLAY" "OF MODERN EXISTENTIALIST FOOTBALL" "VIRTUALLY ANNIHILATING BY MIDFIELD MORAL ARGUMENT" "THE NOW SURELY OBSOLESCENT CATENNACHIO DEFENSIVE PHILOSOPHY" "OF SIGNOR ALBERTO FANFRINO." "BOLOGNA INDEED WERE A SIDE INTELLECTUALLY OUT-ARGUED" "BY A JARROW TEAM THRUSTING AND BURSTING" "WITH AGGRESSIVE KANTIAN POSITIVISM" "AND OUTSTANDING IN THIS FINE JARROW TEAM" "WAS MY MAN OF THE MATCH" "THE ARCH-THINKER, FREE-SCHEMING" "SCARCELY-EVER-TO-BE-CURBED MIDFIELD COGNOSCENTO" "JIMMY BUZZARD." "GOOD EVENING, BRIAN." "JIMMY, AT LEAST ONE AGING FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR" "WAS GLADDENED LAST NIGHT BY THE SIGHT OF AN ENGLISH FOOTBALLER" "BREAKING FREE OF THE LIMPID TENTACLES" "OF PACKED MEDITERRANEAN DEFENSE." "( laughter )" "GOOD EVENING, BRIAN." "WERE YOU SURPRISED" "AT THE WAY THE ITALIANS CEDED MIDFIELD DOMINANCE" "SO EARLY ON IN THE GAME?" "( laughter )" "WELL, BRIAN... ( scattered laughter )" "( more laughter )" "I'M OPENING A BOUTIQUE." "THIS IS OF COURSE SYMPTOMATIC OF A NEW BREED OF FOOTBALLER" "AS IT IS INDEED SYMPTOMATIC OF YOUR WHOLE GENRE OF PLAYER" "IS IT NOT?" "( laughter )" "GOOD EVENING, BRIAN." "WHAT I'M GETTING AT, JIMMY" "IS YOU SEEM TO HAVE DISCOVERED A NEW CONCEPT" "WITH THE MODE WITH WHICH YOU DISSECTED THE ITALIAN DEFENSE" "LAST NIGHT." "I HIT THE BALL FIRST TIME" "AND THERE IT WAS IN THE BACK OF THE NET." "DO YOU THINK JARROW WILL ADOPT" "A MORE DEFENSIVE POSTURE" "FOR THE FIRST LEG OF THE NEXT TIE IN TURKEY?" "I HIT THE BALL FIRST TIME" "AND THERE IT WAS IN THE BACK OF THE NET." "YES, YES, BUT HAVE YOU ANY PLANS" "FOR DEALING WITH THE FREE-SCORING TURKISH FORWARDS?" "WELL, BRIAN... ( laughter )" "I'M OPENING A BOUTIQUE." "AND NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK" "AT THE STATE OF PLAY IN THE DETECTIVE SKETCH." "OURSELF ME TO INTROLOW MY BODY." "( gunshot )" "( cheering )" "( Chopin 's "Funeral March " playing )" "( music slows to stop )" "( funeral march starts again )" "( slap )" "CHEEKY." "OH, TEMPER, TEMPER." "WELL, SOME OF US DON'T LIKE" "HAVING MEN CRAWLING OVER US THE WHOLE TIME." "( growling )" "YOU NEED TO TAKE" "ALL THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU CAN GET, DEAR." "( squishing )" "UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I CAN MENTION" "I'M QUITE HAPPILY MARRIED, THANK YOU." "( creaking )" "( explosion )" "YES, ATHENA, I'VE BEEN TEARING UP IN THE GARDEN." "( gunshots )" "( roaring applause )" "( applause instantly stops )" "HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME" "TO YET ANOTHER EDITION OF "INTERESTING PEOPLE."" "AND MY FIRST INTERESTING PERSON TONIGHT IS" "THE HIGHLY INTERESTING MR. HOWARD STOOLS" "FROM KENDAL IN WESTMORELAND." "( loud applause starts abruptly )" "( applause suddenly turns off )" "GOOD EVENING, MR. STOOLS." "Stools ( squeakily ):" "HELLO, DAVID." "MR. STOOLS, WHAT MAKES YOU" "PARTICULARLY INTERESTING?" "Stools:" "WELL, I'M ONLY HALF AN INCH LONG." "WELL, THAT'S EXTREMELY INTERESTING." "THANK YOU FOR COMING ALONG ON THE SHOW TONIGHT, MR. STOOLS." "Stools:" "I THOUGHT YOU'D THINK THAT WAS INTERESTING, DAVID, IN FACT..." "MR. HOWARD STOOLS FROM KENDAL IN WESTMORELAND, HALF AN INCH LONG." "( applause starts )" "( applause suddenly stops )" "OUR NEXT GUEST TONIGHT HAS COME ALL THE WAY FROM EGYPT." "HE'S JUST FLOWN INTO LONDON TODAY." "HE'S MR. ALI BAYAN" " HE'S WITH US IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT" "AND HE'S STARK RAVING MAD." "( vocalizing madly )" "( canned applause )" "MR. ALI BAYAN, STARK RAVING MAD." "NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR MUSIC SPOT" "AND WE TURN THE SPOTLIGHT TONIGHT" "ON THE RACHEL TOOVEY BICYCLE CHOIR... ( canned applause )" "WITH THEIR FANTASTIC ARRANGEMENT OF "MEN OF HARLECH"" "FOR BICYCLE BELLS ONLY." "KEEP, MY BABE, NO ILL BETIDE THEE" "ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT." "( bicycle bells ringing )" "( canned applause )" "THE RACHEL TOOVEY BICYCLE CHOIR." "REALLY INTERESTING." "REMEMBER, IF YOU'RE INTERESTING" "AND WANT TO APPEAR ON THIS PROGRAM" "WRITE YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS ON YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER" "AND SEND IT TO THIS ADDRESS." "( canned applause )" "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU." "NOW HERE'S AN INTERESTING PERSON." "APART FROM BEING A FULL-TIME STAPLING MACHINE" "HE CAN ALSO GIVE A CAT INFLUENZA." "( clears throat )" "( coughing )" "( cat sneezing )" "( meowing and sneezing )" "( canned applause )" "YOU CAN'T GET MORE INTERESTING THAN THAT, OR CAN YOU?" "WITH ME NOW..." "WITH ME NOW" "IS MR. THOMAS WALTERS OF WEST HARTLEPOOL" "WHO IS TOTALLY INVISIBLE." "GOOD EVENING, MR. WALTERS." "Walters:" "OVER HERE, HUGHIE." "( laughs nervously )" "( audience laughter )" "MR. WALTERS, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE INVISIBLE?" "OH, YES, MOST CERTAINLY." "WELL, MR. WALTERS, WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING INVISIBLE?" "( droning ):" "WELL, FOR A START, AT THE OFFICE WHERE I WORK" "I CAN BE SITTING AT MY DESK ALL DAY" "AND THE OTHERS TOTALLY IGNORE ME." "AT HOME, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM" "MY WIFE DOES NOT SPEAK TO ME FOR HOURS." "PEOPLE PASS ME BY IN THE STREET WITHOUT A GLANCE IN MY DIRECTION" "AND I CAN WALK" "INTO A ROOM WITHOUT..." "WELL, WHILST WE'VE GOT INTERESTING PEOPLE" "WE MET MR. OLIVER CAVENDISH WHO..." "EVEN NOW YOU YOURSELF DO HARDLY NOTICE ME..." "MR. OLIVER CAVENDISH OF LEICESTER" "WHO CLAIMS TO BE ABLE TO RECITE THE ENTIRE BIBLE IN ONE SECOND" "WHILST BEING STRUCK ON THE HEAD WITH A LARGE AX." "HA, HA, WOW!" "WE'VE SINCE DISCOVERED THAT HE WAS A FRAUD." "HE DID NOT..." "YES, A FRAUD." "HE DID NOT IN FACT RECITE THE ENTIRE BIBLE." "HE MERELY RECITED THE FIRST TWO WORDS, "IN THE"" "BEFORE HIS DEATH." "( canned applause )" "Compére:" "AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR "INTERESTING SPORT"" "AND THIS WEEK IT'S ALL-IN CRICKET" "LIVE FROM THE MUNICIPAL BATHS, CROYDON." "( spectators cheering )" "( canned applause )" "ALL-IN CRICKET, GREAT, GREAT!" "WITH ME NOW IS MR. KEN DOVE" "TWICE VOTED MOST INTERESTING MAN IN DORKING." "KEN, I BELIEVE YOU'RE INTERESTED IN SHOUTING." "( shouting ):" "YES, I'M INTERESTED IN SHOUTING, ALL RIGHT." "BY JOVE, YOU CERTAINLY HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD" "WITH THAT PARTICULAR OBSERVATION OF YOURS THEN." "WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE THINK OF THIS?" "Woman ( shouting ):" "I AGREE WITH HIM!" "SHUT UP!" "( droning ):" "AT PARTIES, FOR INSTANCE" "PEOPLE NEVER COME UP TO ME." "I JUST SIT THERE AND EVERYBODY TOTALLY..." "NOW, THAT IS TIDDLES, I BELIEVE." "UM, YES, THIS IS..." "THIS IS TIDDLES." "YEAH, AND WHAT DOES SHE DO?" "SHE FLIES ACROSS THE STUDIO AND LANDS IN A BUCKET OF WATER." "BY HERSELF?" "UH, NO, I FLING HER." "WELL, THAT'S EXTREMELY INTERESTING." "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. DON SAVAGE AND TIDDLES." "( Tiddles yowls )" "( hits bucket, water splats )" "( shouting ):" "I'M MORE INTERESTING THAN A WET PUSSYCAT." "Walters ( droning ):" "...FOR HOUR AFTER HOUR AFTER HOUR..." "YES, GREAT." "WELL, NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME ON TELEVISION" ""INTERESTING PEOPLE" BRINGS YOU" "A MAN WHO CLAIMS HE CAN SEND BRICKS TO SLEEP BY HYPNOSIS." "MR. KEITH MANIAC FROM GUATEMALA." "GOOD EVENING." "KEITH, YOU CLAIM YOU CAN SEND BRICKS TO SLEEP." "YES, THAT IS CORRECT, I CAN." "ENTIRELY BY HYPNOSIS." "YES, I USE NO ARTIFICIAL MEANS WHATSOEVER." "( Stools screaming )" "OH, OH, OH!" "( shouting ):" "YOU'VE INJURED MR. STOOLS!" "WELL, I SIMPLY" "STARE AT THE BRICK, AND IT GOES TO SLEEP." "WELL, WE HAVE A BRICK HERE." "KEITH, PERHAPS YOU COULD SEND IT TO SLEEP FOR US." "OH, UH..." "WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT IS ALREADY ASLEEP." "( audience chuckles )" "HA!" "HOW DO YOU KNOW?" "( laughter )" "WELL, IT'S NOT MOVING." "OH, I SEE." "HAVE WE GOT A MOVING BRICK?" "YES, WE'VE GOT" "A MOVING BRICK, KEITH." "IT'S COMING OVER NOW." "THERE WE ARE, FAST ASLEEP." "VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD INDEED." "YES, IT'S ALL DONE" "WITH THE EYES." "YES, MR. KEITH MANIAC FROM GUATEMALA." "( shouting ):" "MR. STOOLS!" "SPEAK TO ME, HOWARD!" "( spectators cheering )" "AND NOW FOUR TIRED UNDERTAKERS." "( Chopin 's "Funeral March " playing )" "( laughter )" "( men groaning )" "( audience chuckling )" "( man grunting )" "( stomping )" "( audience laughing )" "( panting )" "( laughter )" "( laughter )" "TO TAKE YOU BACK VERY QUICKLY TO THE JIMMY BUZZARD INTERVIEW" "WHERE WE UNDERSTAND SOMETHING EXCITING'S JUST HAPPENED." "I'VE FALLEN OFF MY CHAIR, BRIAN." "( drumbeat with each movement of coffin )" "( drum roll )" "( laughter )" "( laughter continues )" "( dog barking )" "( laughter )" "( drumbeat continues )" "( drum roll )" "( man and woman giggling )" "Man ( whispering ):" "SHH!" "I THINK MY WIFE'S BEGINNING TO SUSPECT." "YOU SHUT UP." "OH, SHUT UP!" "( all shouting at once )" "( pounding )" "I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT." "I THINK YOU'LL FIND THIS A BIT MORE INTERESTING." "( laughter )" "( bawdy music playing )" "( with man's voice ):" "GOOD EVENING." "TONIGHT I WANT TO EXAMINE" "THE WHOLE QUESTION OF 18th- CENTURY SOCIAL LEGISLATION..." "ITS RELEVANCE" "TO THE HIERARCHICAL STRUCTURE OF POST-RENAISSANCE SOCIETY..." "AND ITS IMPACT ON THE FUTURE OF PAROCHIAL ORGANIZATION" "IN AN EXPANDING AGRARIAN ECONOMY." "( audience chuckles )" "BUT FIRST, A BIT OF FUN." "( fast-paced drum riff )" "TO PUT ENGLAND'S SOCIAL LEGISLATION" "IN A EUROPEAN CONTEXT" "IS PROFESSOR GERT VAN DER WHOOPS" "OF THE RIJKSMUSEUM IN THE HAGUE." "IN HOLLAND IN THE EARLY PART OF THE 15th CENTURY" "THERE WAS THREE THINGS IMPORTANT TO SOCIAL LEGISLATION." "ONE, RISE OF MERCHANT CLASSES" "TWO, URBANIZATION OF CRAFT GUILDS" "THREE, DECLINING MORAL VALUES" "IN AGE OF INCREASING SOCIAL BETTERMENT." "BUT FIRST, A BIT OF FUN." "Choir:" "DING, DONG, MERRILY ON HIGH" "IN HEAV'N THE BELLS ARE RINGING." "( clearing throat )" "OH!" "( clears throat )" "AND NOW PROFESSOR R.J. CANNING." "Choir:" "GLO-O-OR..." "THE CAT SAT ON THE MAT." "AND NOW THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR." "TONIGHT WE EXAMINE POPULAR VIEWS OF THIS GREAT BATTLE." "WAS THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR FOUGHT" "IN THE ATLANTIC OFF SOUTHERN SPAIN" "OR WAS IT FOUGHT ON DRY LAND NEAR CUDWORTH IN YORKSHIRE?" "HERE IS ONE MAN WHO THINKS IT WAS" "AND HERE IS HIS FRIEND." "( laughter )" "Canning:" "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK" "THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR WAS FOUGHT NEAR CUDWORTH?" "BECAUSE DRAKE WAS TOO CLEVER FOR THE GERMAN FLEET." "( laughter )" "Canning:" "I BEG YOUR PARDON?" "I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT I SAID NOW." "( audience laughs )" "Canning:" "MR. GUMBY'S REMARKABLE VIEWS HAVE SPARKED OFF" "A WAVE OF CONTROVERSY AMONGST HIS FELLOW HISTORIANS." "WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD, UH..." "REAPPRAISE OUR CONCEPT OF THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR." "( shouting ):" "WELL, WELL, I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING MR. GUMBY SAYS." "WELL, UH, I THINK, UH, CEMENT IS MORE INTERESTING" "UH, THAN PEOPLE THINK." "ONE SUBJECT-- FOUR DIFFERENT VIEWS." "12 AND SIX IN A PLAIN WRAPPER." "THE STUFF OF HISTORY IS INDEED WOVEN IN THE WOOF." "PEARL HARBOR." "THERE ARE PAGES IN HISTORY'S BOOK" "WHICH ARE WRITTEN ON THE GRAND SCALE" "EVENTS SO MOMENTOUS THAT THEY DWARF MAN AND TIME ALIKE." "AND SUCH IS THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR" "REENACTED FOR US NOW" "BY THE WOMEN OF THE BATLEY TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD." "Canning:" "MRS. RITA FAIRBANKS, YOU ORGANIZED" "THIS RECONSTRUCTION OF THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR." "WHY?" "UH, WELL, ALWAYS BEEN EXTREMELY INTERESTED IN MODERN DRAMA." "WE WERE, OF COURSE, THE FIRST TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD TO PERFORM" ""CAMP ON BLOOD ISLAND," AND LAST YEAR, OF COURSE" "WE DID OUR EXTREMELY POPULAR REENACTMENT" "OF "NAZI WAR ATROCITIES."" "AND SO, THIS YEAR" "WE THOUGHT WE'D LIKE TO DO SOMETHING IN A LIGHTER VEIN." "SO YOU CHOSE THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR?" "YES, THAT'S RIGHT, WE DID." "WELL, I CAN SEE YOU'RE ALL READY TO GO" "SO I'LL JUST WISH YOU GOOD LUCK" "IN YOUR LATEST VENTURE." "THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOUNG MAN." "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN" ""THE WORLD OF HISTORY" IS PROUD TO PRESENT" "THE PREMIERE OF THE BATLEY TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD" "REENACTMENT OF "THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR."" "( whistle toots )" "( yelling and screaming )" "( pig grunting in distance )" "THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR." "INCIDENTALLY, I'M SORRY IF I GOT A LITTLE BIT SHIRTY" "EARLIER ON IN THE PROGRAM, WHEN I KEPT GETTING INTERRUPTED" "BY ALL THESE FILMS AND THINGS THAT KEPT COMING IN, BUT I..." ""WE SHALL..."" "( laughter )" "( gunshots )" ""HERETOFORE SHALL THIS SOUL BE RECEIVED UNTO..."" "( "Funeral March"playing )" "( zippy tune playing )" "AND SO I SAID IF IT HAPPENED AGAIN" "I'D GET VERY ANGRY AND TALK TO LORD HILL, AND... ( humming )" "Canning:" "TELL LORD HILL." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing, applause... ) ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing, applause... ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "IT'S..." "MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with whoosh )" "( growling )" "( scattered audience laughter )" "HEY, DID YOU SEE THAT?" "HMM?" "DID YOU SEE SOMEBODY GO PAST THE WINDOW?" "WHAT?" "SOMEBODY JUST WENT PAST THE WINDOW, THAT WAY." "OH." "OH." "ANOTHER ONE." "HMM?" "ANOTHER ONE JUST WENT PAST DOWNWARDS." "WHAT?" "TWO PEOPLE HAVE JUST FALLEN" "OUT OF THAT WINDOW TO THEIR ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH." "FINE, FINE, FINE." "LOOK!" "TWO PEOPLE..." "THREE PEOPLE" "HAVE JUST FALLEN" "PAST THAT WINDOW." "MUST BE A BOARD MEETING." "( laughter )" "OH, YEAH." "HEY, THAT WAS WILKINS OF FINANCE." "OH, NO, THAT WAS ROBERTSON." "WILKINS." "ROBERTSON." "WILKINS." "ROBERTSON." "THAT WAS WILKINS." "THAT WAS WILKINS." "HE WAS A GOOD, UH, GOOD GOLFER, WILKINS." "VERY GOOD GOLFER, VERY GOOD GOLFER." "ROTTEN AT FINANCE." "IT'LL BE PARKINSON NEXT." "BET YOU IT WON'T." "HOW MUCH?" "WHAT?" "HOW MUCH DO YOU BET IT WON'T?" "FIVER?" "ALL RIGHT." "DONE." "YOU'RE ON." "FINE." "COME ON, PARKY." "DON'T DO IT, PARKY." "JUMP, PARKY, JUMP." "COME ON, NOW, BE SENSIBLE, PARKY." "JUMP, PARKY, JUMP." "COME ON, NOW, BE SENSIBLE, PARKY." "ABOUT THAT SKETCH ABOUT PEOPLE FALLING OUT OF A HIGH BUILDING." "I HAVE WORKED ALL MY LIFE IN SUCH A BUILDING" "AND HAVE NEVER ONCE... ( screaming )" "PARKINSON!" "JOHNSON!" "( screaming )" "( yelling )" "( people screaming )" "Man 1:" "MY GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE!" "WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP IT?" "!" "Man 2:" "LORD KNOWS THAT." "LET'S TRY IT THIS WAY." "( squeaking )" "( crying out )" "( yelling )" "( hooting )" "( howling )" "( jingling )" "( blast )" "ALAKAZAM!" "ALACADABRA!" "ALAKAZAM!" "ALACADABRA!" "ALAKAZAM!" "ALACADABRA!" "ALAKAZAM!" "ALACADABRA... ( popping )" "( humming )" "( woman giggling )" "HELLO!" "( laughing giddily )" "( crash )" "( trumpet fanfare )" "TONIGHT, SPECTRUM LOOKS AT ONE OF THE MAJOR PROBLEMS" "IN THE WORLD TODAY" "THE WHOLE VEXED QUESTION OF WHAT IS GOING ON." "IS THERE STILL TIME TO CONFRONT IT" "LET ALONE SOLVE IT, OR IS IT TOO LATE?" "WHAT ARE THE FIGURES, WHAT ARE THE FACTS?" "WHAT DO PEOPLE MEAN WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT THINGS?" "ALEXANDER HARDACRE OF THE ECONOMIC AFFAIRS BUREAU." "IN THIS GRAPH" "THIS COLUMN REPRESENTS 23% OF THE POPULATION." "THIS COLUMN REPRESENTS 28% OF THE POPULATION" "AND THIS COLUMN REPRESENTS 43% OF THE POPULATION." "TELLING FIGURES INDEED, BUT WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO YOU?" "WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO ME?" "WHAT DO THEY MEAN TO THE AVERAGE MAN IN THE STREET?" "WITH ME NOW IS PROFESSOR TIDDLES OF LEEDS UNIVERSITY." "PROFESSOR, YOU'VE SPENT MANY YEARS RESEARCHING INTO THINGS." "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" "I THINK IT'S TOO EARLY TO TELL." "TOO EARLY TO TELL, TOO EARLY TO SAY." "IT MEANS THE SAME THING." "THE WORD "SAY" IS THE SAME AS THE WORD "TELL."" "THEY'RE NOT SPELLED THE SAME, BUT THEY MEAN THE SAME." "IT'S AN IDENTICAL SITUATION WE HAVE WITH "SHIP" AND "BOAT"" "BUT NOT THE SAME AS WE HAVE WITH "BOW" AND "BOUGH"" "DIFFERENT SPELLINGS AND MEANINGS, BUT SOUND THE SAME." "( laughter )" "BUT THE REAL QUESTION REMAINS:" "WHAT IS THE SOLUTION, IF ANY, TO THIS PROBLEM?" "WHAT CAN WE DO?" "WHAT AM I SAYING?" "WHY AM I SITTING IN THIS CHAIR?" "WHY AM I HERE AND WHAT WILL I SAY NEXT?" "HERE TO ANSWER THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL CRICKETER." "I CAN SAY NOTHING AT THIS POINT." "YOU WERE WRONG." "PROFESSOR?" "HELLO." "HELLO." "SO, WHERE DO WE STAND?" "WHERE DO WE SIT?" "WHERE DO WE COME?" "WHERE DO WE GO?" "WHAT DO WE DO?" "WHAT DO WE SAY?" "WHAT DO WE EAT?" "WHAT DO WE DRINK?" "WHAT DO WE THINK?" "WHAT DO WE DO?" "( train accelerating )" "( crash )" "SORRY!" "( growling )" "( screaming )" "( doorbell rings )" "HELLO." "MR. AND MRS. JOHNSON, ISN'T IT?" "THAT'S RIGHT, YES." "WELL, COME ON IN." "EXCUSE ME NOT SHAKING HANDS" "BUT I'VE JUST BEEN PUTTING" "A BIT OF LARD ON THE CAT'S BOIL." "VERY NICE." "WELL, YOU MUST BE TIRED." "IT'S A LONG DRIVE" "FROM COVENTRY, ISN'T IT?" "YES, WELL, WE USUALLY RECKON ON 51/2 HOURS" "AND IT TOOK US SIX HOURS AND 53 MINUTES" "WITH A 25-MINUTE WAIT AT FRAMPTON COTTRELL" "TO STRETCH OUR LEGS" "ONLY WE HAD TO WAIT HALF AN HOUR" "TO GET ON TO THE M5 NEAR DROITWICH." "REALLY?" "THERE WAS" "A THREE-MILE QUEUE JUST BEFORE BRIDGWATER ON THE A38" "ONLY NORMALLY WE COME ROUND ON THE B3339" "JUST BEFORE BRIDGWATER, YOU SEE." "REALLY?" "WE RISKED IT" "BECAUSE THEY SAY" "THEY'RE GOING TO WIDEN IT THERE." "ARE THEY?" "JUST THERE" "AT THE INTERSECTION WHERE THE A372 JOINS UP" "THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM TO WIDEN IT THERE." "THERE'S ONLY THE GRASS VERGES." "THEY COULD GET ANOTHER SIX FEET" "KNOCK DOWN THAT HOSPITAL." "THEN WE TOOK THE COAST ROAD THROUGH WILLITON" "AND GOT ALL THE TAUNTON TRAFFIC ON THE A358" "FROM CROWCOMBE AND STOGUMBER." "WELL, YOU MUST BE DYING FOR A CUP OF TEA." "WELL, WOULDN'T SAY "NO," NOT IF IT'S WARM AND WET." "WELL, COME ON IN THE LOUNGE." "I'M JUST ABOUT TO SERVE AFTERNOON TEA." "VERY NICE." "COME ON IN, MR. AND MRS. JOHNSON." "OH, THIS IS" "MR. AND MRS. PHILLIPS." "GOOD AFTERNOON." "IT'S THEIR THIRD YEAR WITH US." "WE CAN'T KEEP YOU AWAY, CAN WE?" "AND OVER HERE" "IS MR. HILTER." "( laughter )" "( in German accent ):" "AH, GOOD TIME, GOOD AFTERNOON." "PLANNING A LITTLE EXCURSION" "ARE WE, MR. HILTER?" "UH, JA, JA!" "WE MAKE A LITTLE..." "WAS IST RUCKWEISE BEWEGEN?" ""HIKE."" "HIKING." "WE MAKE A LITTLE HIKE FOR..." "FOR BIDEFORD." "OH, WELL, YOU'LL BE WANTING THE A39 THEN." "NO, NO, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAP THERE." "THIS IS STALINGRAD." "YOU WANT THE ILFRACOMBE" "AND BARNSTAPLE SECTION." "AH, HEIN..." "REGINALD" "YOU HAVE THE WRONG MAP HERE" "YOU SILLY OLD LEG-BEFORE-WICKET ENGLISH PERSON." "I'M SORRY, MEIN FUHRER." "I DID NOT..." "MEIN DICKIE, OLD CHUM." "LUCKY MR. JOHNSON" "POINTED THAT OUT, EH?" "YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD MUCH FUN" "IN STALINGRAD, WOULD YOU?" "I SAID YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD MUCH FUN" "IN STALINGRAD, WOULD YOU?" "NOT MUCH FUN IN STALINGRAD, NO." "OH, I'M SORRY" "I DIDN'T INTRODUCE YOU." "THIS IS RON..." "RON RIBBENTROP." "OH, NOT VON RIBBENTROP?" "NEIN!" "NEIN!" "NEIN!" "( laughing nervously ):" "OH..." "NO, HE DIFFERENT OTHER CHAP." "NO, I IN SOMERSET AM BEING BORN." "VON RIBBENTROP IS BORN IN GOTTERAMMERSTRASSE 46" "DUSSELDORF, WEST EIGHT..." "SO THEY SAY!" "LandLady:" "AND THIS IS THE QUIET ONE, MR. BIMMLER." "HEIMLICH BIMMLER." "HOW DO YOU DO THERE, SQUIRE?" "ALSO I AM NOT MINEHEAD LAD" "BUT I IN PETERBOROUGH, LINCOLNSHIRE HOUSE" "WAS GIVEN BIRTH TO" "BUT STAY IN PETERBOROUGH, LINCOLNSHIRE HOUSE" "ALL DURING WAR, OWING TO NASTY RUNNING SORES" "AND WAS UNABLE TO GO IN THE STREETS" "PLAY FUSSBALL OR GO TO NURNBERG." "I AM RETIRED WINDOW CLEANER AND PACIFIST" "WITHOUT DOING WAR CRIMES." "( clicking tongues )" "AND AM VERY GLAD ENGLAND WIN WORLD CUP" "BOBBY CHARLTON AND MARTIN PETERS" "AND EATING LOTS OF CHIPS AND FISH" "AND TOAD IN THE HOLES" "AND DUNDEE CAKE ON PICCADILLY LINE" "DON'T YOU KNOW, OLD CHAP" "AND WAS HEAD OF GESTAPO FOR TEN YEARS..." "FIVE YEARS!" "OH!" "NO, NO, NEIN" "I WAS NOT HEAD OF GESTAPO AT ALL." "( laughter )" "I MAKE JOKE." "( all laughing )" "OH, MR. BIMMLER" "YOU DO HAVE US ON." "( phone ringing )" "OH, EXCUSE ME" "I MUST JUST GO AND ANSWER THAT." "UH, HOW LONG YOU DOWN HERE FOR, MR. HILTER?" "JUST THE FORTNIGHT?" "WHY DO YOU ASK THAT?" "YOU A SPY OR SOMETHING?" "GET OVER THERE AGAINST THE WALL, BRITISCHER PIG." "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE." "TAKE IT EASY, DICKIE, OLD CHUM." "I'M SORRY, MR. JOHNSON." "HE'S A BIT ON EDGE." "HE HASN'T SLEPT SINCE 1945." "SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE, YOU NAZI." "COOL IT, FUHRER CAT." "( laughing nervously ):" "THE FUN WE HAVE." "HAVEN'T I SEEN HIM" "ON THE TELEVISION?" "NICHT, NEIN, NEIN..." "OH, NO." "TELEVISION DOCTOR?" "NO!" "NO!" "TELEPHONE, MR. HILTER." "IT'S THAT NICE MR. McGOERING" "FROM THE BELL AND COMPASSES." "HE SAYS HE'S FOUND A PLACE" "WHERE YOU CAN HIRE BOMBERS BY THE HOUR." "IF HE OPENS HIS BIG MOUTH AGAIN, IT'S LAMPSHADE TIME!" "SHUT UP!" "( laughing nervously ):" "HIRE BOMBERS BY THE HOUR." "WHAT A LAUGH HE IS, THAT SCOTTISH PERSON!" "GOOD OLD NORMAN." "HE'S ON THE TELEPHONE THE WHOLE TIME NOWADAYS." "IN BUSINESS, IS HE?" "SOON, BABY." "COURSE, IT'S HIS BIG DAY, THURSDAY." "OH, THEY'VE BEEN PLANNING IT FOR MONTHS." "WHAT HAPPENS THEN?" "OH, IT'S THE NORTH MINEHEAD BY-ELECTION." "MR. HILTER'S STANDING AS A NATIONAL BOCIALIST CANDIDATE." "HE'S GOT WONDERFUL PLANS FOR MINEHEAD." "LIKE WHAT?" "WELL, FOR A START" "HE WANTS TO ANNEX POLAND." "OH, NORTH MINEHEAD'S" "CONSERVATIVE, ISN'T IT?" "WELL, THEY GET A LOT OF PEOPLE AT THEIR RALLIES." "RALLIES?" "WELL, THEIR BOCIALIST MEETINGS" "DOWN AT THE AXIS CAFE IN ROSEDALE ROAD." "Hilter:" "ACHTUNG, ACHTUNG!" "( Hilter shouting in fake German )" "( "Deutschland Uber Alles"playing )" "( shouting ):" "UBER ALLES!" "DIE EL TERN IM MITTELALTER UND DIEJUNGEN" "ALLES MUSS MIT DEM MITTELSCHMERZ GESTOPPEN SEIN!" "( clapping alone )" "I..." "AM NOT A RACIALIST..." "BUT" " UND THIS IS A BIG "BUT"" "WE IN THE NATIONAL BOCIALIST PARTY BELIEVE" "DAS UBERLEBEN..." "MUSS GESTAMMEN SEIN MIT DER SCHNEAKYARMSTRONG-JONES." "( lone applause )" "HISTORISCHE TAUNTON IST VOLKERMEINIG VON MEINHEAD." "MR. HITLER..." "HILTER..." "HE SAYS THAT HISTORICALLY" "TAUNTON..." "IS PART OF MINEHEAD ALREADY." "HE'S RIGHT, DO YOU KNOW THAT?" "UND BRIDGWA TER IST DIE LETZTE FUHLUNG" "DAS WIR HABEN IN SOMERSET!" "( large crowd cheering )" "( laughter as cheering continues )" "Crowd ( chanting ):" "SIEG HEIL!" "SIEG HEIL!" "Interviewer:" "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MR. HILTER'S POLICIES?" "WELL, I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND" "OF THESE HERE BONCENTRATION BAMPS." "WELL, I GAVE HIM MY BABY TO KISS AND HE BIT IT ON THE HEAD." "WELL, I THINK HE'D DO A LOT OF GOOD FOR THE STOCK EXCHANGE." "NO, NO." "OH, YES, BRITISCHER PALS" "HE IS WUNDERBAR..." "FUL, JA." "( laughter )" "I THINK HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THE COONS" "BUT THEN I'M A BIT MENTAL." "I THINK HE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL LEGS." "WELL, SPEAKING AS CONSERVATIVE CANDIDATE" "I JUST DRONE ON AND ON AND ON AND ON" "NEVER LETTING ANYONE ELSE GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE" "UNTIL I START FOAMING AT THE MOUTH" "AND FALLING OVER BACKWARDS." "FOAM AT THE MOUTH AND FALL OVER BACKWARDS." "IS HE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH TO FALL OVER BACKWARDS" "OR FALLING OVER BACKWARDS TO FOAM AT THE MOUTH?" "TONIGHT'S SPECTRUM EXAMINES THE WHOLE QUESTION" "OF FROTHING AND FALLING, COUGHING AND CALLING" "SCREAMING AND BAWLING, WALLING AND STALLING" "GALLING AND MAULING, PALLING AND HAULING" "TRAWLING AND SQUALLING AND ZALLING." "ZALLING?" "IS THERE A WORD "ZALLING?"" "IF THERE IS, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?" "IF THERE ISN'T, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?" "PERHAPS BOTH, MAYBE NEITHER." "WHAT DO I MEAN BY THE WORD "MEAN"?" "WHAT DO I MEAN BY THE WORD "WORD"?" "WHAT DO I MEAN BY "WHAT DO I MEAN?"" "WHAT DO I MEAN BY "DO" AND WHAT DO I DO BY "MEAN"?" "WHAT DO I DO BY DO BY DO?" "AND WHAT DO I MEAN BY WASTING YOUR TIME LIKE THIS?" "GOOD NIGHT." "GOOD NIGHT." "GOOD EVENING, I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY." "SPEAK UP, PLEASE, SIR." "( louder ):" "I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY." "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SIR." "( shouting ):" "I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY!" "THAT'S A LITTLE BIT TOO LOUD." "COULD YOU SAY IT" "JUST A LITTLE LESS LOUD THAN THAT?" "I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY!" "NO, I'M STILL NOT GETTING ANYTHING." "UH, COULD YOU TRY IT IN A HIGHER REGISTER?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IN A HIGHER REGISTER?" "WHAT?" "( in high voice ):" "I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY." "THAT'S IT, WAIT A MOMENT." "NOW, A LITTLE BIT LOUDER." "( shouting in high voice ):" "I WISH TO REPORT A BURGLARY!" "REPORT A WHAT?" "BURGLARY!" "THAT'S IT, NOW KEEP IT THERE." "( in high voice ):" "HELLO, SARGE!" "( in low voice ):" "EVENING, CHARLIE." "( still shouting ):" "I WAS SITTING AT HOME" "WITH A FRIEND OF MINE FROM CAMBER SANDS" "WHEN WE HEARD A NOISE IN THE BEDROOM!" "WE WENT TO INVESTIGATE AND FOUND Pound5,000 STOLEN!" "WELL, I'M AFRAID I'M OFF DUTY NOW, SIR." "UH, COULD YOU TELL SERGEANT FOSTER?" "( shouting in high voice ):" "I WAS SITTING AT HOME" "WITH A FRIEND OF MINE FROM CAMBER SANDS!" "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT, UH, WHY THE FUNNY VOICE?" "( normal voice ):" "OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY." "I'D JUST GOT USED TO TALKING LIKE THAT TO THE OTHER SERGEANT." "I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SIR." "COULD YOU TRY SPEAKING IN A LOWER REGISTER?" "WHAT?" "OH." "( in deep voice ):" "I WISH TO REPORT THE LOSS OF Pound5,000." "Pound5,000?" "THAT'S SERIOUS." "YOU'D BETTER SPEAK TO THE DETECTIVE INSPECTOR." "( in slow, deep voice ):" "WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE, SERGEANT?" "( with incredible speed ):" "WELL, THIS GENTLEMAN, SIR, HAS COME IN" "TO REPORT THAT HE WAS SITTING AT HOME WITH A FRIEND" "WHEN HE HEARD A NOISE IN THE BACK ROOM" "WENT ROUND TO INVESTIGATE" "AND FOUND THAT Pound5,000 IN SAVINGS HAD BEEN STOLEN." "( in deep voice ):" "I SEE." "( in normal voice ):" "WHERE DO YOU LIVE, SIR?" "121 HALLIWELL ROAD, DULWICH, SE21." "( fast ):" "121 HALLIWELL ROAD, DULWICH, SE21." "( in high voice ):" "ANOTHER HALLIWELL ROAD JOB, EH, SERGEANT?" "( fast ):" "YES, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT." "I THOUGHT THE BLOKE WHO'D DONE THAT" "WAS PUT INSIDE LAST YEAR." "( in high voice ):" "YES, IN PARKHURST." "( deeply ):" "WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY ELSE." "( slowly and deeply ):" "THANK YOU, SERGEANT." "( normally ):" "WE'LL GET THINGS MOVING RIGHT AWAY." "( in high voice ):" "YOU TAKE OVER HERE, SERGEANT." "( normally ):" "ALERT ALL SQUAD CARS IN THE AREA." "( in sing-song voice ):" "HELLO, DARLING" "I'M AFRAID I SHALL BE LATE." "( singing ):" "CALLING ALL SQUAD CARS IN THE AREA." "( with deep male voice ):" "I THINK THAT'S IN VERY BAD TASTE." "( meows )" "( barks )" "( bleating )" "SOME PEOPLE DO TALK IN THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY WAY." "Commentator:" "GOOD AFTERNOON, AND WELCOME TO HURLINGHAM PARK." "YOU JOIN US JUST AS THE COMPETITORS ARE RUNNING OUT" "ONTO THE FIELD ON THIS LOVELY WINTER'S AFTERNOON HERE" "WITH THE GOING FIRM UNDERFOOT AND VERY LITTLE SIGN OF RAIN." "WELL, IT CERTAINLY LOOKS" "AS THOUGH WE'RE IN FOR A SPLENDID AFTERNOON'S SPORT" "IN THIS, THE 127th "UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR" SHOW." "WELL, THE COMPETITORS WILL BE OFF ANY MOMENT" "SO LET ME JUST IDENTIFY THEM FOR YOU." "VIVIAN SMITH-SMYTHE-SMITH HAS O-LEVEL IN CHEMO-HYGIENE." "SIMON-ZINC-TRUMPET-HARRIS" "MARRIED TO A VERY ATTRACTIVE TABLE LAMP." "NIGEL INCUBATOR-JONES-- HIS BEST FRIEND IS A TREE" "AND IN HIS SPARE TIME, HE'S A STOCKBROKER." "GERVAISE BROOK-HAMPSTER IS IN THE GUARDS" "AND HIS FATHER USES HIM AS A WASTEPAPER BASKET." "AND FINALLY, OLIVER ST." "JOHN- MOLLUSC, HARROW AND THE GUARDS" "THOUGHT BY MANY TO BE THIS YEAR'S OUTSTANDING TWIT." "NOW THEY'RE MOVING OUT TO THE STARTING LINE." "THERE'S A JOLLY GOOD CROWD HERE TODAY." "NOW THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS" "AND... ( starter's pistol fires )" "THEY'RE OFF!" "OH, NO, THEY'RE NOT." "NO, THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO START." "NEVER MIND, WE'LL SOON SORT THAT OUT." "THE JUDGE IS EXPLAINING IT TO THEM NOW." "I THINK NIGEL AND GERVAISE HAVE GOT THE IDEA." "ALL SET TO GO." "( pistol fires )" "OH, AND THEY'RE OFF." "AND IT'S A FAST START THIS YEAR." "OLIVER ST." "JOHN-MOLLUSC RUNNING A BIT WIDE THERE" "AND NOW THEY'RE COMING INTO THEIR FIRST TEST" "THE STRAIGHT LINE." "THEY'VE GOT TO WALK ALONG THIS STRAIGHT LINE" "WITHOUT FALLING OVER." "AND OLIVER'S OVER AT THE BACK THERE..." "UH, SIMON'S COMING THROUGH QUITE FAST ON THE OUTSIDE." "I THINK SIMON AND NIGEL..." "BOTH OF THEM COMING THROUGH VERY FAST." "THERE'S NIGEL THERE, NUMBER THREE, I'M SORRY." "AND ON THE OUTSIDE, THERE'S GERVAISE" "COMING THROUGH JUST OUT OF SHOT." "AND NOW, THE POSITIONS:" "SIMON AND VIVIAN AT THE FRONT COMING TO THE MATCHBOX JUMP" "THREE LAYERS OF MATCHBOXES TO CLEAR." "AND SIMON'S OVER AND VIVIAN'S OVER BEAUTIFULLY." "OH, THE JUMP OF A LIFETIME" "IF ONLY HIS FATHER COULD UNDERSTAND." "HERE'S NIGEL..." "HE'S CONFUSED." "NO, GERVAISE IS OVER." "HE'S, UH..." "NIGEL IS OVER..." "HE'S ONLY JUST HIT THE TOP." "AND NOW IT'S GERVAISE." "GERVAISE IS GOING TO JUMP." "IS IT..." "NO, HE'S JUMPED THE WRONG WAY." "THERE HE GOES." "NIGEL'S OVER BEAUTIFULLY." "NOW IT'S ONLY OLIVER, OLIVER AND GERVAISE..." "OH, BAD LUCK." "AND NOW IT'S "KICKING THE BEGGAR."" "SIMON'S THERE, AND HE'S PUTTING THE BOOT IN" "AND NOT TERRIBLY HARD" "BUT HE'S GOING DOWN, SO SIMON CAN MOVE ON." "NOW VIVIAN'S THERE." "VIVIAN IS THERE AND WAITING FOR A CHANCE." "HERE HE COMES." "OH, A REAL PILE DRIVER, A REAL PILE DRIVER." "AND NOW SIMON'S AT NUMBER ONE;" "VIVIAN, TWO;" "NIGEL, THREE;" "GERVAISE AT FOUR;" "AND OLIVER BRINGING UP THE REAR." "UH..." "THERE'S OLIVER, THERE'S OLIVER NOW." "HE'S AT THE BACK." "I THINK HE'S HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE" "WITH HIS OLD BRAIN INJURY." "HE'S GOING TO HAVE A GO..." "NO, NO, BAD LUCK." "HE'S UP, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HE'S BEATEN, THIS BOY." "HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN HE'S WINNING EITHER." "HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY SORT OF SENSORY APPARATUS KNOWN TO MAN." "HE'S NOW STANDING UP..." "OH, BAD LUCK." "OH, THERE'S GERVAISE PUTTING THE BOOT IN THERE." "THERE'S NO NEED FOR HIM TO DO THIS." "HE'S GOT THE BEGGAR DOWN." "THE STEWARD'S GIVING HIM A LITTLE BIT OF ADVICE." "YES, HE CAN MOVE ON NOW." "HE CAN MOVE ON TO THE HUNT PHOTOGRAPH." "THERE'S GERV..." "I THINK HE'S..." "YES, HE'S OFF." "GERVAISE IS THERE, AND OLIVER'S STILL AT THE BACK" "HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE MATCHBOXES." "NOW, HERE'S THE HUNT BALL PHOTOGRAPH." "AND THE FIRST HERE IS SIMON." "HE'S GOING TO ENJOY A JOKE WITH LADY ARABELLA PLUNKETT." "SHE HOPES TO GO INTO FILMS." "AND VIVIAN'S THROUGH THERE" "AND NIGEL'S THERE ENJOYING A JOKE" "WITH LADY SARAH PENCIL FARTHING VIVIAN STEAMROLLER" "ADAMS PIE BISCUIT AFTERSHAVE GORE STRINGBOTTOM SMITH." "AND THERE'S..." "AND THERE'S SIMON NOW IN THE SPORTS CAR." "HE'S REVERSED INTO THE OLD WOMAN." "HE'S CAUGHT HER ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY." "NOW HE'S GOING TO ACCELERATE FORWARD THERE" "TO WAKE UP THE NEIGHBOR." "THERE'S VIVIAN, I THINK..." "NO, VIVIAN'S LOST HIS KEYS..." "NO, THERE'S VIVIAN!" "HE'S GOT THE OLD WOMAN, SLOWLY BUT SURELY" "RIGHT IN THE MIDRIFF, AND HERE HE IS." "HERE HE IS TO WAKE UP THE NEIGHBOR NOW." "SIMON RIGHT IN THE LEAD, COMFORTABLY IN THE LEAD" "BUT HE CAN'T GET THIS NEIGHBOR WOKEN UP." "HE'S SLAMMING AWAY THERE AS BEST HE CAN." "HE'S GETTING ABSOLUTELY NO REACTION AT ALL." "THERE!" "THERE, HE'S WOKEN HIM UP AND SIMON'S THROUGH." "HERE COMES VIVIAN..." "VIVIAN TO SLAM THE DOOR." "AND THERE WE ARE BACK AT THE HUNT BALL." "I THINK THAT'S GERVAISE." "YES, THAT'S GERVAISE GOING THROUGH THERE." "AND HERE..." "HERE COMES OLIVER, BRAVE OLIVER." "IS HE GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE TABLE?" "NO, I DON'T THINK HE IS." "YES, HE IS." "OH!" "WHAT A GREAT TWIT!" "AND THE CROWD ARE REALLY RISING TO HIM THERE." "AND THERE, I CAN SEE..." "WHO IS THAT THERE?" "YES, THAT'S NIGEL." "NIGEL HAS WOKEN THE NEIGHBOR." "MY GOD, THIS IS EXCITING!" "NIGEL'S VERY EXCITED, HE'S GOING THROUGH." "HERE COMES GERVAISE." "GERVAISE..." "OH, NO, THIS IS, UH..." "OUT IN THE FRONT THERE IS SIMON" "WHO IS SUPPOSED TO INSULT THE WAITER" "AND HE'S FORGOTTEN." "AND OLIVER HAS RUN HIMSELF OVER." "WHAT A GREAT TWIT!" "AND THERE..." "NOW HERE COMES VIVIAN." "VIVIAN TO INSULT THE WAITER, AND HE IS HEAPING ABUSE ON HIM" "AND HE IS HUMILIATING HIM THERE." "AND HE'S GONE INTO THE LEAD." "SIMON'S NOT WITH HIM." "NO, VIVIAN'S..." "HAS HIT THE BAR." "NOW THEY'VE GOT TO GET OVER THIS BAR." "THIS IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT" "AS IT REQUIRES ABSOLUTELY EXPERT COORDINATION" "BETWEEN MIND AND BODY." "NO, THEY'RE HITTING IT THERE." "HERE WE GO AGAIN." "SIMON'S FALLEN BACKWARDS." "HERE'S NIGEL, AND HE'S TRIPPED." "NIGEL HAS TRIPPED, AND HE'S UNDER" "AND SIMON FAILS AGAIN." "NOW HERE IS GERVAISE, GOING TO JUMP THROUGH" "AND SIMON IS THROUGH BY ACCIDENT." "HERE'S GERVAISE TO BE THE LAST ONE OVER." "HERE WE ARE." "HERE'S NIGEL RIGHT AT THE HEAD OF THE FIELD" "AND NOW HE'S GOING TO SHOOT THE RABBIT." "THESE RABBITS HAVE BEEN TIED TO THE GROUND" "AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE A BIT FRISKY." "AND THIS IS ONLY A ONE-DAY EVENT." "AND THEY'RE BLAZING AWAY THERE." "THEY'RE NOT GETTING QUITE THE RESULTS THAT THEY MIGHT." "GERVAISE IS IN THERE" "TRYING TO BASH IT TO DEATH WITH THE BUTT OF HIS RIFLE." "AND I THINK NIGEL'S IN THERE WITH HIS BARE HANDS" "BUT THEY'RE NOT GETTING THE RESULTS THEY MIGHT" "BUT IT IS A LITTLE BIT MISTY TODAY" "AND THEY MUST BE SHOOTING FROM A RANGE OF AT LEAST A FOOT." "BUT THERE'S A COUPLE OF HITS THERE, I THINK." "YES, THEY'VE HAD A COUPLE OF HITS" "AND THE WHOLE FIELD IS UP AGAIN AND HERE THEY ARE." "THEY'RE COMING UP TO THE DEBS" "GERVAISE FIRST, VIVIAN SECOND, SIMON THIRD." "AND NOW THEY'VE GOT TO TAKE THE BRAS OFF FROM THE FRONT." "THIS IS REALLY DIFFICULT." "THIS IS REALLY THE MOST DIFFICULT PART" "OF THE ENTIRE COMPETITION." "AND THEY'RE HAVING A BIT OF TROUBLE IN THERE, I THINK." "THEY'RE REALLY TRYING NOW AND THE CROWD IS GETTING EXCITED" "AND I THINK SOME OF THE TWITS ARE GETTING RATHER EXCITED, TOO." "BUT ANYWAY, VIVIAN IS THERE, VIVIAN IS COMING THROUGH." "SIMON'S IN SECOND PLACE AND..." "OH, THERE'S OLIVER." "HE'S DEAD, BUT HE'S NOT NECESSARILY OUT OF IT." "THERE GOES NIGEL." "NO, HE'S LOST SOMETHING." "AND GERVAISE RUNNING THROUGH TO THIS FINAL OBSTACLE." "NOW, ALL THEY HAVE TO DO HERE TO WIN THE TITLE IS" "TO SHOOT THEMSELVES." "SIMON HAS A GO-- BAD LUCK, HE MISSES." "NIGEL MISSES." "NOW, THERE'S GERVAISE, AND GERVAISE HAS SHOT HIMSELF." "GERVAISE IS UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR." "THERE'S NIGEL-- HE'S SHOT SIMON BY MISTAKE." "SIMON IS SECOND AND THERE'S NIGEL." "NIGEL'S SHOT HIMSELF." "NIGEL IS THIRD IN THIS FINE" "AND MOST EXCITING UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR I'VE EVER SEEN." "WAIT" " NIGEL'S CLUBBED HIMSELF INTO FOURTH PLACE." "AND SO THE FINAL RESULT:" "THE UPPER-CLASS TWIT OF THE YEAR" "GERVAISE BROOK-HAMPSTER OF KENSINGTON AND WEYBRIDGE;" "RUNNER-UP" " VIVIAN SMITH- SMYTHE-SMITH OF KENSINGTON;" "AND THIRD" " NIGEL INCUBATOR- JONES OF HENLEY." "WELL, THERE'LL CERTAINLY BE SOME CAR DOOR SLAMMING" "IN THE STREETS OF KENSINGTON TONIGHT." "IN THE STREETS OF KENSINGTON TONIGHT." "TO SEE THE FLOWER OF BRITISH MANHOOD" "WIPING ITSELF OUT WITH SUCH PLUCK AND TENACITY." "BRITAIN NEED HAVE NO FEAR WITH LEADERS OF THIS CALIBER." "IF ONLY A FEW OF THE SO-CALLED WORKING CLASSES" "WOULD DESTROY THEMSELVES SO SPORTINGLY." "YOURS, ETC." "BRIGADIER MAINWARING SMITH SMITH SMITH, ETC." "(DECEASED, ETC.)" "P.S., ETC." "COME ON, OTHER RANKS, SHOW YOUR STUFF." "YES, SIR, I'LL DO ME BEST, SIR!" "( grunts )" "( grunts )" "( coughs )" "NO, STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH." "( coughs )" "YES, THAT'S BETTER." "Choir:" "HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH... ( moans disgustedly )" "OKAY, ALL CLEAR." "( laughter )" "( grand music plays )" "NOW, I UNDERSTAND" "THAT YOU WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER." "( sniffing and coughing ):" "THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH." "YES, YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE" "THAT ROSAMUND IS STILL RATHER YOUNG?" "DADDY, YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A CHILD." "OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW..." "GET THEM WHEN THEY'RE YOUNG, EH..." "EH?" "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "!" "( laughter )" "I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, MISTER..." "UH..." "SHABBY, KEN SHABBY." "MR. SHABBY, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE" "THAT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO LOOK AFTER MY DAUGHTER." "OH, YEAH, YEAH." "I'LL BE ABLE TO LOOK AFTER HER, ALL RIGHT, SPORT." "EH?" "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, EH?" "AND, UH..." "WHAT JOB DO YOU DO?" "I CLEAN OUT PUBLIC LAVATORIES." "( laughter )" "IS THERE A PROMOTION INVOLVED?" "OH, YEAH, YEAH." "( hacking )" "AFTER FIVE YEARS, THEY GIVE ME A BRUSH." "( hacking )" "( moans )" "I'M SORRY, SQUIRE, I'VE GOBBED ON YOUR CARPET." "AND, UH..." "WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE?" "WELL, ROUND AT MY GRAN'S." "SHE TRAINS POLECATS" "BUT MOST OF THEM HAVE SUFFOCATED" "SO THERE SHOULD BE A BIT OF SPARE ROOM IN THE ATTIC, EH?" "KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "I SEE." "AND WHEN DO YOU EXPECT TO GET MARRIED?" "OH, RIGHT AWAY, SPORT, RIGHT AWAY, YOU KNOW?" "I HAVEN'T HAD IT FOR WEEKS." "( hacking )" "WELL, LOOK, I'LL PHONE THE BISHOP" "AND SEE IF WE CAN GET THE ABBEY." "OH, DIARRHEA." "( moaning )" "THE STORY SO FAR..." "ROSAMUND'S FA THER HAS BECOME ENSNARED" "BY MR. SHABBY'S EXTRAORDINARY PERSONAL MAGNETISM." "BOB ANDJANET HA VE EA TEN MR. FARQUAR'S GOLDFISH" "DURING AN OXFAM LUNCH" "AND MRS. ELSMORE'S MARRIAGE IS THREA TENED" "BY DOUG'S INSISTENCE THAT HE IS" "ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS." "LOUISE'S HERNIA HAS BEEN CONFIRMED" "ANDJIM, BOB'S BROTHER, HAS RUN OVER THE EDITOR OF THE LANCET" "ON HIS WA Y TO SEEJENNY, A FREELANCE PAGODA DESIGNER." "ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONTINENT" "NAPOLEON STILL BROODS OVER THE SMOLDERING REMAINS" "OFA CITY HE HAD CROSSED HALF THE EARTH TO CONQUER" "WHILSTMARY, ROGER'S HALF-SISTER" "SETTLES DOWN TO WA TCH TELEVISION." "THERE NOW FOLLOWS A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST" "ON BEHALF OF THE WOOD PARTY." "GOOD EVENING." "WE IN THE WOOD PARTY FEEL VERY STRONGLY" "THAT THE PRESENT WEAK DRAFTING OF THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT BILL" "LEAVES A LOT TO BE DESIRED" "AND WE INTEND TO FIGHT." "( screams while falling )" "HELLO?" "I'M AFRAID THE MINISTER'S FALLEN THROUGH THE EARTH'S CRUST." "EXCUSE ME A MOMENT." "HELLO?" "Warbeck ( echoing ):" "HELLO." "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MINISTER?" "I APPEAR TO HAVE LANDED ON THIS KIND OF LEDGE THING." "SHALL WE LOWER DOWN ONE OF THE BBC ROPES?" "IF YOU'D BE SO KIND." "WHAT LENGTH OF BBC ROPE" "WILL WE BE LIKELY TO NEED?" "I SHOULD USE THE LONGEST BBC ROPE." "THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA, I WOULD IMAGINE." "OKEY-DOKE, CHIEF." "TEX, GET THE LONGEST BBC ROPE AND BRING IT HERE PRONTO." "IN THE MEANTIME, SINCE I AM ON ALL CHANNELS" "PERHAPS I'D BETTER CARRY ON WITH THIS BROADCAST" "BY SHOUTING ABOUT OUR HOUSING PLANS" "FROM DOWN HERE AS BEST AS I CAN." "COULD SOMEONE THROW ME DOWN A SCRIPT?" "THE SCRIPT WOULD APPEAR" "TO HAVE LANDED ON A DIFFERENT LEDGE" "SOMEWHAT OUT OF MY GRASP, DON'T YOU KNOW." "WELL, PERHAPS WHEN THE ROPE REACHES YOU, MINISTER" "YOU COULD KIND OF SWING OVER" "TO THE LEDGE AND GRAB IT." "GOOD IDEA." "WELL, I'M GOING TO CARRY ON" "IF I CAN READ THE SCRIPT." "GOOD EVENING." "WE IN THE WOOD PARTY..." "FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT..." "THE PRESENT WEAK DRAFTING OF THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT BILL." "AND..." "NO, IT'S NO GOOD, IT'S NOT WORKING." "I THINK I'LL HAVE TO TRY AND MAKE A GRAB FOR IT." "AH!" "THERE WE ARE." "( clears throat )" "GOOD EVENING." "WE IN THE WOOD PARTY FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THE PRESENT... ( shrieks )" "OH, DEAR." "HELLO!" "HELLO!" "LOOK, I MUST LOOK A BIT OF A CHUMP" "HANGING UPSIDE DOWN LIKE THIS." "DON'T WORRY, MINISTER." "I THINK, LOVE, IF WE TURN THE PICTURE UPSIDE DOWN" "WE SHOULD HELP THE MINISTER, THEN." "OH, GOOD." "LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS." "THERE SEEMS TO BE A FEW GREMLINS ABOUT." "I THINK I'D BETTER START FROM THE BEGINNING." "GOOD EVENING." "WE IN THE WOOD PARTY FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT..." "OH, BLOODY HECK!" "OH!" "OH, DEAR." "TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT THIS..." "ABOUT SAYING "BLOODY HECK" ON ALL CHANNELS, BUT..." "THERE'S ANOTHER SCRIPT ON THE WAY DOWN, MINISTER." "OH, GOOD, GOOD." "WELL, UM..." "GOOD EVENING." "WELL, HOW ARE YOU?" "OH, LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK OF THE WOOD PARTY" "AS A LOAD OF OLD MEN THAT LIKE HANGING AROUND ON ROPES" "ONLY I..." "OH..." "THANK YOU." "GOOD EVENING." "WE IN THE WOOD PARTY FEEL VERY STRONGLY" "ABOUT THE PRESENT WEAK DRAFTING... ( shrieks )" "LOOK, I THINK WE'D BETTER CALL IT A DAY." "IS THIS THE FURTHEST DISTANCE" "THAT A MINISTER HAS FALLEN?" "ROBERT." "SURPRISINGLY NOT." "THE CANADIAN MINISTER FOR EXTERNAL AFFAIRS" "FELL NEARLY SEVEN MILES" "DURING A LIBERAL CONFERENCE IN OTTAWA ABOUT SIX YEARS AGO." "AND THEN QUITE RECENTLY" "THE KENYAN MINISTER FOR AGRIC." "AND FISH" "FELL NEARLY 12 MILES" "DURING A NAIROBI DEBATE IN PARLIAMENT" "ALTHOUGH THIS HASN'T BEEN RATIFIED YET." "HOW FAR DID THE FILIPINO CABINET FALL LAST MARCH?" "WELL, THEY FELL NEARLY 39 MILES" "BUT IT'S NOT NEARLY SO REMARKABLE, AS THAT WAS DUE" "TO THEIR COMBINED WEIGHT, OF COURSE, ROBERT." "YES, WELL, THANK YOU, ROBERT." "WELL NOW, WHAT ARE YOUR REACTIONS TO ALL THIS?" "ROBERT." "WELL..." "WELL, ROBERT" "THE MAIN THING IS THAT IT'S TERRIBLY EXCITING" "TREMENDOUSLY EXCITING." "YOU SEE, THE MINISTER IS QUITE CLEARLY LODGED" "BETWEEN ROCKS WE KNOW TERRIBLY LITTLE OF, TERRIBLY LITTLE." "OF COURSE, THE MAIN THING IS WE'RE GETTING COLOR PICTURES" "OF AN EXTRAORDINARILY HIGH QUALITY" "EXTRAORDINARILY HIGH QUALITY." "BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS..." "THE REALLY EXCITING THING IS" "THE MINISTER WILL BE BRINGING BACK SAMPLES OF THE EARTH'S CORE" "WHICH WILL GIVE US A TREMENDOUS" "REALLY TREMENDOUS, TREMENDOUS, TREMENDOUS CLUE" "AS TO THE ORIGINS OF THE EARTH AND WHAT GOD HIMSELF IS MADE OF." "OH, OH, I NEEDED THAT." "THANK YOU, ROBERT." "WELL, THAT SEEMS TO BE" "ABOUT ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR TONIGHT" "UNLESS ANYONE HAS ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY." "HAS ANYONE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY?" "NO." "NOPE, NOPE." "NO." "( sings ):" "NO." "( deeply ):" "NO." "NO." "NO." "NO!" "NO." "NO." "BLOODY FAIRY." "NO." "NO!" "UH..." "NO." "NO." "NO." "NEIN..." "NO." "NO." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "WHAT DO WE MEAN BY "NO"?" "WHAT DO WE MEAN BY "YES"?" "WHAT DO WE MEAN BY "NO, NO, NO"?" "TONIGHT SPECTRUM LOOKS AT THE WHOLE QUESTION OF "WHAT IS NO?"" "( bell dinging, pinball bumpers flipping )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( hinge squeaks )" "IT'S..." "IT'S... ( theme from A Summer Place plays )" "( tires screeching )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with squawk )" "( theme from A Summer Place plays )" "( suction cup pops )" "( quacking )" "( burps )" "NOT BAD FOR A STARTER" "BUT NOW PERHAPS SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE SAVORY." "OOH, I DON'T LIKE THIS, OOH, I DON'T LIKE THAT." "OH, I DON'T THINK MUCH TO ALL THIS." "OH, FANCY USING THAT WALLPAPER." "FANCY USING MUSTARD." "OOH, IS THAT A PROPER ONE?" "OOH, IT'S NOT REAL." "I DON'T THINK IT'S A PROPER RESTAURANT" "UNLESS THEY GIVE YOU FINGER BOWLS." "OOH, I DON'T LIKE HIM." "I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY IN A FEW YEARS." "( audience laughs )" "UH, PLEASE EXCUSE MY WIFE." "SHE MAY APPEAR TO BE RATHER NASTY" "BUT UNDERNEATH SHE HAS A HEART OF FORMICA." "SORRY ABOUT THAT." "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE GET ALL SORTS OF LINES IN HERE." "THE HEADWAITER WILL BE ALONG TO ABUSE YOU IN A FEW MOMENTS" "AND NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME" "I HAVE TO GO AND COMMIT SUICIDE." "OH, I'M SORRY." "IT'S ALL RIGHT." "IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF ANYTHING SERIOUS." "OH, GOOD." "( bullet fires, man screams )" "QUITE FRANKLY, I'M AGAINST PEOPLE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE." "I DON'T LIKE THAT SORT OF PERSON AT ALL." "I'M PLAIN PEOPLE AND I'M PROUD OF IT." "MY MOTHER'S THE SALT OF THE EARTH" "AND I DON'T TAKE THE PILL 'CAUSE IT'S NASTY." "PLEASE EXCUSE MY WIFE" "SHE MAY NOT BE VERY BEAUTIFUL" "AND SHE MAY HAVE NO MONEY" "AND SHE MAY BE A LITTLE TALENTLESS" "BORING AND DULL, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND..." "SORRY, I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING." "( laughter )" "FINE..." "I'M THE HEADWAITER." "THIS IS A VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT ONLY." "WE SERVE NO ANIMAL FLESH OF ANY KIND." "WE'RE NOT ONLY PROUD OF THAT" "WE'RE SMUG ABOUT IT." "SO, IF YOU WERE TO COME IN HERE" "ASKING ME TO RIP OPEN A SMALL, DEFENSELESS CHICKEN" "SO YOU COULD CHEW ITS SKIN AND EAT ITS INTESTINES" "I'M AFRAID I WOULD HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "LIKEWISE IF YOU WERE TO ASK ME" "TO SLICE THE SIDES OFF A COW" "AND SERVE IT WITH SMALL PIECES OF ITS LIVER" "OR, INDEED, DRAIN THE LIFEBLOOD FROM A PIG" "BEFORE CUTTING OFF ONE OF ITS LEGS" "( shouting ):" "OR CARVE THE LIVING GIBLETS" "FROM A SHEEP AND SERVE THEM" "WITH THE FRESH BRAINS, BOWELS" "GUTS AND SPLEEN OF A SMALL RABBIT" "WE WOULDN'T DO IT!" "( calmly ):" "NOT FOR FOOD, ANYWAY." "QUITE FRANKLY, I'M AGAINST PEOPLE" "WHO GIVE VENT TO THEIR LOQUACITY" "BY EXTRANEOUS BOMBASTIC CIRCUMLOCUTION." "OH, I DON'T LIKE THAT." "SOMETIMES, SHIRLEY, I THINK YOU'RE ALMOST HUMAN." "DO YOU KNOW I STILL WET MY BED." "( laughter )" "ONCE, I MARRIED SOMEONE WHO WAS BEAUTIFUL" "AND YOUNG AND GAY AND FREE." "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HER?" "YOU DIVORCED HER AND MARRIED ME." "( fan whirs )" "I MET MY SECOND WIFE" "AT A SECOND-WIFE- SWAPPING PARTY." "TRUST ME TO ARRIVE LATE." "ALWAYS WERE LATE, WEREN'T YOU, THOMPSON?" "HELLO, HEADMASTER." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "FINE, FINE, FINE, THANK YOU." "FINE, THANK YOU." "NO MORE SHERRY FOR ME, DON'T YOU KNOW." "WARNER HOUSE BEAT BADGER HOUSE" "FOR THE SECOND CUPPA, REMARKABLE." "WE HAD TO PUT MOST OF THE SECOND FORM TO SLEEP." "NO PADRE" " BAD BUSINESS." "THEY WERE BEGINNING TO PLAY WITH THEMSELVES." "STILL..." "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY WIFE ANYWHERE, HAVE YOU?" "NO." "OH, THANK" "Woman:" "OH, I DON'T LIKE HIM." "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "ALL MEN ARE THE SAME." "IMAGINE NOT THAT THESE FOUR WALLS" "CONTAIN THE MIGHTY OWL OF THEBES" "FOR, GENTLES ALL, BEAUTY SITS MOST CLOSELY" "TO THEM IT CAN CONSTRUE." "NO, IT DOESN'T." "SORRY." "( laughter )" "FINE..." "WOULD YOU CARE FOR A GLASS OF BLOOD?" "OH, WHAT A GIVEAWAY." "NO, WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE MENU PLEASE." "I DON'T THINK IT'S A PROPER RESTAURANT" "UNLESS YOU HAVE A PROPER MENU" "AND ANYWAY, I MIGHT BE PREGNANT." "PERHAPS YOU'D CARE FOR A DRINK?" "EVER SINCE YOU'VE MARRIED ME, DOUGLAS" "YOU'VE TREATED ME" "LIKE AN ALBATROSS." "EVENING." "GOOD EVENING." "I HOPE YOU'RE GOING" "TO ENJOY ME THIS EVENING." "I'M THE SPECIAL." "TRY ME WITH SOME RICE." "TRY ME WITH SOME RICE." "A HOPKINS AU GRATIN A LA CHEF." "AH, HOW DO YOU?" "DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD." "I DON'T LIKE THAT." "THERE'S DUST ON HERE." "I DON'T THINK IT'S A PROPER MEAL" "WITHOUT PUDDING." "MY HUSBAND'S AN ARCHITECT." "OH, ONE WORD OF WARNING, SIR, A LITTLE TIP." "DON'T HAVE ANY OF THE VICAR OVER THERE." "HE'S BEEN HERE TWO WEEKS" "AND NOBODY'S TOUCHED HIM-- ENOUGH SAID?" "YES, THANK YOU." "WELL, I MUST GET ON OR I'LL SPOIL." "JANET, TO THE KITCHEN." "( tinny musicplays with canned applause )" "THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP IN THE LOBBY, SIR." "I DON'T KNOW WHO KEEPS BRINGING THEM IN HERE." "OH, I DON'T LIKE THAT." "I THINK IT'S SILLY." "IT'S NOT A PROPER SKETCH" "WITHOUT A PROPER PUNCH LINE." "I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ANYTHING, I'M STUPID." "I'M MUGGINS, NOBODY CARES WHAT I THINK." "I'M ALWAYS THE ONE THAT HAS TO DO EVERYTHING." "NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME." "I'LL HAVE BLOODY BABIES" "AND THEY CAN BLOODY WELL CARE ABOUT ME." "IT MAKES YOU SICK, HALF THIS TELEVISION." "THEY NEVER STOP TALKING." "HE'LL BE THE RUINATION OF HER." "RHYTHM METHOD!" "( theme from A Summer Place plays )" "( theme from A Summer Place plays )" "DURING WHICH SMALL ICE CREAMS IN VERY LARGE BOXES WILL BE SOLD." "ANOTHER WAY WE CAN DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY FROM THE CINEMA" "IS BY SHOWING YOU ADVERTISEMENTS." "( upbeat musicplays )" "( laughter )" "OR HOW ABOUT THIS?" "OR PERHAPS YOU PREFER THIS LATEST MODEL?" "THEN WHY NOT COME TO US?" "WE SUPPLY ONLY THE VERY BEST MODELS." "AFTER THE SHOW, WHY NOT VISIT THE LA GONDOLA RESTAURANT" "JUST TWO MINUTES FROM THIS PERFORMANCE." "THE MANAGER, MR. LUIGI VERCOTTI, WILL BE PLEASED" "TO WELCOME YOU AND INTRODUCE YOU" "TO A WIDE VARIETY OF FAMOUS SICILIAN DELICACIES." "HERE YOU CAN RELAX IN COMFORT IN FRIENDLY SURROUNDINGS." "OR IF YOU WISH, YOU MAY DRINK AND DANCE TILL MIDNIGHT." "AT THE LA GONDOLA RESTAURANT" "YOU CAN SAMPLE ALL THE SPICY PLEASURES OF THE MEDITERRANEAN." "THE HEADWAITER WILL BE PLEASED TO SHOW YOU HIS SPECIALITIES." "OR WHY NOT ASK THE COOK FOR SOMETHING REALLY HOT?" "YES, FOR AN EVENING YOU'LL NEVER FORGET" "IT'S THE LA GONDOLA RESTAURANT" "CHELSEA, PARKHURST, DARTMOOR AND THE SCRUBS." "( upbeat musicplays )" "ALBATROSS!" "( laughter )" "( shouts ):" "ALBATROSS!" "ALBATROSS?" "TWO CHOC ICES, PLEASE." "I HAVEN'T GOT CHOC ICES." "I'VE ONLY GOT THE ALBATROSS." "ALBATROSS!" "WHAT FLAVOR IS IT?" "IT'S A BIRD, ISN'T IT?" "IT'S A BLOODY SEABIRD." "IT'S NOT ANY BLOODY FLAVOR." "ALBATROSS!" "DO YOU GET WAFERS WITH IT?" "( angrily ):" "OF COURSE YOU DON'T" "GET BLOODY WAFERS WITH IT!" "ALBATROSS!" "HOW MUCH IS IT?" "NINE PENCE." "I'LL HAVE TWO PLEASE." "( shouts ):" "GANNET ON A STICK." "( shouts ):" "GANNET ON A STICK." "( explosion )" "( "God Save the Queen"plays )" "WELL, THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT." "AND NOW A POLICEMAN NEAR ROTTINGDEANS." "( shakily ):" "ALBATROSS!" "( shakily ):" "ALBATROSS!" "MM-HMM." "I'M TERRIBLY SORRY" "BUT I WAS SITTING ON A PARK BENCH OVER THERE" "TOOK MY COAT OFF FOR A MINUTE" "AND THEN I FOUND MY WALLET HAD BEEN STOLEN" "AND Pound15 TAKEN FROM IT." "WELL, DID YOU, UH" "DID YOU SEE ANYONE TAKE IT" "ANYONE HANGING AROUND OR..." "NO, NO, THERE WAS NO ONE THERE AT ALL." "THAT'S THE TROUBLE." "WELL, THERE'S NOT VERY MUCH" "WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT, SIR." "( faintly ):" "OH." "DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE?" "YEAH, ALL RIGHT." "( laughter )" "( feebly ):" "ALBATROSS." "MR. BURTENSHAW?" "ME, DOCTOR?" "NO, ME DOCTOR, YOU MR. BURTENSHAW." "MY WIFE, DOCTOR?" "NO, YOUR WIFE PATIENT" "ME DOCTOR." "COME THIS WAY, PLEASE." "ME, SISTER?" "NO, SHE SISTER, ME DOCTOR" "YOU MR. BURTENSHAW." "Woman:" "DR. WALTERS?" "ME NURSE." "YOU MR. BURTENSHAW." "SHE SISTER, YOU DOCTOR." "NO, DOCTOR." "NO DOCTOR, CALL AMBULANCE, KEEP WARM." "DRINK, DOCTOR?" "DRINK DOCTOR, EAT SISTER" "COOK MR. BURTENSHAW, NURSE ME." "YOU, DOCTOR?" "ME DOCTOR." "YOU MR. BURTENSHAW." "SHE NURSE." "BUT MY WIFE, NURSE." "YOUR WIFE NOT NURSE." "SHE NURSE, YOUR WIFE PATIENT." "BE PATIENT, SHE NURSE YOUR WIFE." "ME DOCTOR, YEW TREE." "UTRECHT, UTRILLO" "U THANT, EUPHEMISM." "ME DOCTOR." "ALBATROSS!" "( slurring ):" "I'D LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE" "OF SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE." "( slurring ):" "I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE SOUND" "OF TWO BRICKS BEING BASHED TOGETHER." "( slurring ):" "I'D LIKE TO SEE" "JOHN THE BAPTIST'S IMPERSONATION OF GRAHAM HILL." "Announcer:" "YES, IT'S HISTORICAL IMPERSONA TIONS" "WHEN YOU IN THE PRESENT CAN MAKE" "THOSE IN THE PAST STARS OF THE FUTURE." "( canned applause playing )" "AND HERE IS YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT, WALLY WIGGIN." "( canned applause ends )" "HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO HISTORICAL IMPERSONA TIONS." "AND WE KICK OFF TONIGHT WITH CARDINAL RICHELIEU" "AND HIS IMPERSONATION OF PETULA CLARK." "Clark:" "OH, DON'T SLEEP IN THE SUBWAY, DARLING" "DON'T STAND IN THE POURING RAIN... ( loud canned applause )" "CARDINAL RICHELIEU-- SIXTEEN STONE OF PURE MAN." "AND NOW YOUR FAVORITE ROMAN EMPEROR, JULIUS CAESAR" "AS EDDIE WARING." "TOTA GALLIA DIVISA EST IN TRES PARTES" "WIGAN, HUNSLETT AND HULL KINGSTON ROVERS." "WELL DONE INDEED, JULIUS CAESAR" "A SMILE, A CONQUEST AND A DAGGER UP YOUR STRAP." "OUR NEXT CHALLENGER COMES ALL THE WAY FROM THE CRIMEA." "IT'S THE VERY LOVELY FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE AS BRIAN LONDON." "( bell dings )" "( groans )" "AND NOW FOR OUR MOST AMBITIOUS ATTEMPT TONIGHT." "ALL THE WAY FROM MOSCOW IN THE U.S.S. OF R., IVAN THE TERRIBLE" "AS A SALES ASSISTANT IN FREEMAN, HARDY AND WILLIS." "( screams )" "AND NOW W.G. GRACE AS A MUSIC BOX." "( knob clicks )" "( music box melody plays )" "Wiggin:" "AND NOW IT'S FRANCE'S TURN." "ONE OF THEIR TOP STATESMEN, NAPOLEON, AS THE R-101 DISASTER." "( "Marseillaise"playing )" "( applause )" "( explosion )" "( wind blows )" "AND NOW IT'S REQUEST TIME." "( slurring ):" "I WOULD LIKE TO SEE" "JOHN THE BAPTIST'S IMPERSONATION OF GRAHAM HILL." "( engine starts then accelerates )" "AND NOW A SHORT INTERMISSION" "DURING WHICH MARCEL MARCEAU WILL IMPERSONATE" "A MAN WALKING AGAINST THE WIND." "Wiggin:" "AND NOW MARCEL WILL MIME A MAN" "BEING STRUCK ABOUT THE HEAD BY A 16-TON WEIGHT." "( loud cheering )" "( gently ):" "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "( shyly ):" "ERIC." "WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A 16-TON WEIGHT" "DROPPED ON TOP OF YOU, ERIC?" "DON'T KNOW." "HOW ABOUT YOU?" "I WANT TO HAVE..." "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?" "I WANT TO HAVE..." "WHAT?" "I WANT TO HAVE RACQUEL WELCH..." "DROPPED ON TOP OF ME." "DROPPED ON TOP OF YOU?" "OH, YES, NOT CLIMBING." "SHE'S GOT A BIG BOTTOM." "( applause and laughter )" "AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "TREVOR ATKINSON." "AND HOW OLD ARE YOU, TREVOR?" "I'M 42." "ARE YOU A FRIEND OF TREVOR'S?" "YES, WE'RE ALL COLLEAGUES" "FROM THE EMPIRE AND GENERAL INSURANCE COMPANY." "AND WHAT DO YOU DO?" "WELL, I DEAL MAINLY" "WITH MORTGAGE- PROTECTION POLICIES" "BUT I ALSO DO CERTAIN TYPES OF LIFE ASSURANCE." "NOW, IF YOU AND YOUR PAL HAD ONE BIG WISH, TREVOR" "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ON TELEVISION?" "I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE FAIRY STORIES ABOUT THE POLICE." "AND SO YOU SHALL." "( laughter )" "( whistling )" "( clears throat )" "( humming )" "( whistling )" "( laughter )" "( whistles )" "( laughter )" "( lively classical theme plays )" "( pop )" "YES, WE IN THE SPECIAL CRIMES SQUAD HAVE BEEN USING WANDS" "FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW." "YOU FIND IT'S EASY TO MAKE YOURSELF INVISIBLE." "YOU CAN DEFY TIME AND SPACE" "AND YOU CAN TURN VIOLENT CRIMINALS INTO FROGS" "SOMETHING WHICH YOU COULD NEVER DO WITH THE OLD TRUNCHEONS." "YES, TONIGHT PROBEAROUND TAKES A LOOK AT CRIME." "( gunshot )" "( laughter )" "I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT" "BUT I ALWAYS INTRODUCE THIS PROGRAM, NOT HIM." "YES, TONIGHT PROBEAROUND TAKES A LOOK AT CRIME." "IS IT TRUE THAT THE POLICE ARE USING DACHSHUNDS" "TO COMBAT THE CRIME WAVE?" "CAN THE HEAD OF THE VICE SQUAD TURN HIMSELF INTO AN ALBATROSS" "WHENEVER HE WANTS TO?" "JUST WHAT ARE THE POLICE UP TO?" "OH, I'M UP TO PAGE 39" "WHERE PETER PAN FIRST MANIFESTS HIMSELF." "WITH ME NOW IS INSPECTOR HARRY H. "SNAPPER" ORGANS" "OF "H" DIVISION." "GOOD EVENING." "INSPECTOR, I BELIEVE YOU ARE ENCOURAGING MAGIC" "IN THE POLICE FORCE." "THAT IS CORRECT." "THE CRIMINAL MIND'S" "A STRANGE, CONTORTED ONE" " GOOD EVENING." "THE MIND IS SUBJECT TO SEVERE MENTAL STRESSES" "GOOD EVENING." "GUILT FEARS ABOUND-- GOOD EVENING" "IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS." "IN THIS STATE, ONE OF OUR LADS" "WITH A FAIR TRAINING IN THE BLACK ARTS" "CAN SCARE THE FERTILIZER OUT OF THEM." "JUST HOW ARE THE POLICE COMBATING THE INCREASE" "WITH THE USE OF THE OCCULT?" "EX-KING ZOG OF ALBANIA REPORTS." "( bell rings )" "WELL, WE SEEM TO HAVE LOST EX-KING ZOG THERE" "BUT WHO CARES?" "JUST WHAT KINDS OF MAGIC ARE THE POLICE INTRODUCING" "INTO THEIR CRIME-PREVENTION TECHNIQUES?" "Policemen:" "U-P..." "Y..." "O..." "U..." "R..." "S." ""UP YOURS"!" "?" "WHAT A RUDE OUIJA BOARD!" "( siren wails )" "( laughter )" "( policemen moaning )" "( yelling wildly )" "THAT GIVES THE POLICE A BAD NAME, SERGEANT." "I KNOW, SIR." "( buzzer sounds )" "YES, BERYL?" "YES, BERYL?" "WHO?" "Attila the Hun, sir." "OH, BOTHERKINS!" "CONSTABLE, GO AND SEE TO HIM, WILL YOU?" "WHAT?" "IN THIS DRESS?" "OH, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO." "OH, I'VE GOT A LITTLE GREEN PINNY I COULD WEAR." "NO, NO, NO, I'LL GO." "YOU STAY HERE." "OH, GOODY!" "I CAN GET ON WITH THE IRONING." "RIGHT..." "WHERE IS HE?" "Beryl:" "OVER THERE, SIR." "ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT, LEAVE THIS TO ME." "NOW, THEN, SIR, YOU ARE ATTILA THE HUN." "THAT'S RIGHT, YES, A.T. HUN." "MY PARENTS WERE MR. AND MRS. NORMAN HUN" "BUT THEY HAD A LITTLE JOKE WHEN I WAS BORN." "( titters )" "YES..." "WELL, MR. HUN..." "OH, CALL ME "THE," FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!" "OH..." "WELL, THE, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE US ABOUT?" "I'VE COME TO GIVE MYSELF UP." "WHAT FOR?" "LOOTING, PILLAGING AND SACKING A MAJOR CITY." "I BEG YOUR PARDON?" "LOOTING, PILLAGING, SACKING A MAJOR CITY" "AND I'D LIKE 9,000 OTHER CHARGES" "TO BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION, PLEASE." "I SAY, EXCUSE ME, MR. HUN." "( laughter )" "HAVE YOU ANY OBJECTION TO TAKING A BREATH TEST?" "OH, NO, NO, NO, NO." "RIGHT" " SERGEANT, WILL YOU BRING THE ANALYZER, PLEASE?" "HERE WE ARE, SIR." "HOW'S IT WORK?" "WELL, IF HE BREATHES INTO IT, SIR" "AND THE WHITE CRYSTALS TURN LIME GREEN" "THEN HE IS ATTILA THE HUN, SIR." "I SEE" " WELL, WOULD YOU MIND BREATHING" "INTO THIS, MR. HUN?" "RIGHT." "( laughter )" "WHAT IF NOTHING HAPPENS, SERGEANT?" "HE'S ALEXANDER THE GREAT, SIR!" "AHA!" "CAUGHT YOU, MR. A.T. GREAT!" "OH, CURSES, CURSES!" "I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE, DISGUISED AS ATTILA THE HUN." "O-HO, PERHAPS SO, BUT YOU MADE ONE FATAL MISTAKE." "YOU SEE, THIS WASN'T A HUNALYZER." "IT WAS AN ALEXANDER- THE-GREATALYZER." "TAKE HIM AWAY, BERYL!" "Man ( reading ):" ""DEAR SIR, I OBJECT VERY STRONGLY TO THAT LAST SCENE" "AND TO THE NEXT LETTER."" "Man 2 ( reading ):" ""DEAR SIR, I OBJECT TO BEING OBJECTED TO" ""BY THE LAST LETTER" ""BEFORE MY DRIFT HAS BECOME APPARENT." ""I SPENT MANY YEARS IN INDIA DURING THE LAST WAR" ""AND AM NOW A PART-TIME NOTICE BOARD" ""IN A PROMINENT PUBLIC SCHOOL." ""YOURS ETC., BRIGADIER ZOE LA RUE (DECEASED)." "P.S. AGHHH!"" "Man 3 ( reading ):" ""DEAR SIR, WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL" ""I WAS BEATEN REGULARLY EVERY 30 MINUTES" ""AND IT NEVER DID ME ANY HARM" ""EXCEPT FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL MALADJUSTMENT" ""AND BLURRED VISION." "YOURS TRULY, FLIGHT LIEUTENANT KEN FRANKENSTEIN (MRS.)."" "( siren wails )" "HUH?" "( laughter )" "( door opens, closes )" "( hurried footsteps )" "( door opens, closes )" "( hurried footsteps continue )" "( woman screams )" "( door closes, footsteps continue )" "( heavy panting )" "( heavy panting )" "( light laughter )" "DR. LARCH, THERE'S A MR. PHELPS TO SEE YOU." "UH, NURSE?" "YES?" "YOU DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE IT CLEAR" "THAT I'M A PSYCHIATRIST?" "WHAT?" "WELL, I COULD BE ANY TYPE OF DOCTOR." "WELL, I CAN'T COME IN AND SAY "PSYCHIATRIST LARCH"" "OR "DR. LARCH, WHO IS A PSYCHIATRIST."" "OH, ANYWAY, LOOK, IT'S WRITTEN ON THE DOOR." "( whispering ):" "THAT'S OUTSIDE." "WELL, I DON'T CARE." "YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF." "( imitates phone ringing )" "HELLO?" "NO, WRONG NUMBER, I'M AFRAID." "THIS IS A PSYCHIATRIST SPEAKING." "NEXT, PLEASE." "( knock at door )" "COME IN." "( laughter )" "BOW WOW WOW." "AH, MR. PHELPS-- COME ON IN, TAKE A SEAT." "NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?" "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO." "I'M SORRY?" "OH, CAN'T YOU DO BETTER THAN THAT?" "I MEAN, IT'S SO PREDICTABLE." "I'VE SEEN IT A MILLION TIMES." "KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK;" ""COME IN;" "AH, MR. PHELPS, TAKE A SEAT."" "I'VE SEEN IT AND SEEN IT." "WELL, LOOK, WILL YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN" "AND DO YOUR FIRST LINE?" "NO, NO, I'VE HAD ENOUGH." "I'VE HAD ENOUGH." "( door closes )" "( light laughter )" "I CAN'T EVEN GET IT STARTED." "Phelps ( distantly ):" "ALBATROSS!" "SHUT UP!" "OH, IT DRIVES ME MAD." "A MAD PSYCHIATRIST, THAT'D BE NEW" " HUH!" "NEXT, PLEASE." "( knock at door )" "C..." "OH." "( clears throat )" "( mumbles )" "CROSS THE THRESHOLD, ARRIVE, INGRESS" "GAIN ADMITTANCE, INFILTRATE." "AH, MR. NOTLOB, UH, PARK YOUR HIPS" "ON THE SITTING DEVICE." "IT IS A MAD PSYCHIATRIST." "I'M NOT, I'M NOT!" "COME ON IN, TAKE A SEAT." "WHAT'S..." "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "( blows raspberry )" "NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "WELL, I KEEP HEARING" "GUITARS PLAYING AND PEOPLE SINGING" "WHEN THERE'S NO ONE AROUND." "YES, WELL, THIS IS NOT AT ALL UNCOMMON." "IN CERTAIN MENTAL STATES WE FIND" "THAT AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS OCCUR" "WHICH ARE OF A MOST..." "WE CAN STAY ALL DAY" "WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO..." "IS THAT "WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE ZOO TOMORROW"?" "YES, YES." "IS IT ALWAYS THAT?" "NO." "WELL, THAT'S SOMETHING." "BUT IT'S MAINLY FOLK SONGS." "LAST NIGHT I HAD "WE'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN"" " FOR SIX HOURS!" "WELL, LOOK, I THINK I'D BETTER HAVE A SECOND OPINION ON THIS." "I WANT YOU TO SEE A COLLEAGUE OF MINE" "A SPECIALIST IN THESE SORT OF THINGS" "WHO HAS AN OFFICE VERY MUCH LIKE THIS ONE" "AS A MATTER OF FACT." "OOH... ( clears throat )" "( light laughter )" "( imitates phone ringing )" "UM, NO, NO, WRONG NUMBER." "I'M A COLLEAGUE OF HIS" "A SURGEON WHO SPECIALIZES IN THESE KIND OF THINGS." "YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH." "NEXT, PLEASE." "( knock at door )" "COME IN." "AH, COME IN, PLEASE TAKE A SEAT." "MY COLLEAGUE, WHO HAS A SIMILAR OFFICE" "HAS EXPLAINED YOUR CASE TO ME." "( "We 're All Going to the Zoo" plays faintly )" "MR. NOTLOB, AS YOU KNOW" "I AM A LEADING HARLEY STREET SURGEON... ( Dr. Kildare theme plays )" "AS SEEN ON TELEVISION." "I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE TO OPERATE." "IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT" "ALTHOUGH IT IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS." "( laughter )" "I SHALL BE JUGGLING WITH YOUR LIFE." "I SHALL BE PLAYING DUCKS AND DRAKES" "WITH YOUR VERY EXISTENCE." "I SHALL BE RUNNING ME MITTS OVER THE PITH OF YOUR MARROW" "YES, THESE HANDS" "THESE FINGERS" "THESE SOPHISTICATED ORGANS OF TOUCH, THESE BUNCHES OF FIVE" "THESE MAULERS, THESE GERMAN BANDS" "THAT HAVE PULLED MANY A MORIBUND UNFORTUNATE" "BACK FROM THE VERY BRINK OF LAZARUS'S BOX." "NO, IT WAS PANDORA'S BOX, WASN'T IT?" "WELL, ANYWAY, THESE MITTS HAVE EARNED YOURS TRULY" "A LOT OF BREAD, SO IF YOU'LL JUST STEP THROUGH HERE" "I'LL SLIT YOU UP A TREAT." "WHAT?" "MR. NOTLOB, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU" "THAT AN EXPENSIVE OPERATION CAN'T PROLONG." "( laughter )" "( "We 're All Going to the Zoo" plays faintly )" "RIGHT, I'M READY TO MAKE THE INCISION." "KNIFE, PLEASE, SISTER." "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?" "GIVE ME A BIG ONE." "( laughter )" "OH, I DO ENJOY THIS!" "( laughter )" "RIGHT." "( laughter )" "OH, WHAT A GREAT SLIT!" "( laughter )" "NOW, GENTLEMEN, I AM GOING TO OPEN THE SLIT." "...ALL DAY" "( laughter )" "TOO MUCH, MAN!" "GROOVY, GREAT SCENE." "GREAT LIGHT SHOW, BABY." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" "WE'RE DOING OUR OWN THING, MAN." "HAVE YOU GOT MR. NOTLOB'S PERMISSION" "TO BE IN THERE?" "WE'RE SQUATTERS, BABY." "NURSE, WAKE HIM UP." "Squatter:" "DON'T GET UPTIGHT, MAN." "JOIN THE SCENE AND OTHER PHRASES." "MONEY ISN'T REAL." "IT IS WHERE I'M STANDING" "AND IT BLOWS MY MIND, YOUNG LAD." "GOOD LORD!" "IS THAT A NUDE WOMAN?" "SHE'S DOING AN ARTICLE ON US" "FOR NOVA, MAN." "HI, EVERYONE." "ARE YOU PART OF THE SCENE?" "ARE YOU ROLLING YOUR OWN JELLY BABIES IN THERE?" "WHAT'S GOING ON?" "WHO ARE THEY?" "THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO FIND OUT." "WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN MY STOMACH?" "WE DON'T KNOW-- ARE THEY PAYING YOU ANY RENT?" "COURSE THEY'RE NOT PAYING ME RENT!" "YOU'RE NOT FURNISHED, YOU FASCIST." "GET THEM OUT!" "I CAN'T." "GET THEM OUT!" "NO, I CAN'T" "NOT, NOT WITHOUT A COURT ORDER." "SHUT UP, YOU'RE KEEPING US AWAKE." "( laughter )" "YOU ARE HEREBY ORDERED" "TO VACATE MR. NOTLOB FORTHWITH AND/OR." "PUSH OFF, FUZZ!" "RIGHT" " THAT'S IT, WE'RE GOING IN!" "RELEASE THE VICIOUS DOGS." "( dogs bark )" "WHAT A TERRIBLE WAY TO END A SERIES." "WHY COULDN'T IT END WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS?" "SMILE." "SMILE." "SMILE." "( laughter )" "SMILE." "SMILE." "SMILE." "NOW, THERE'S AN ENDING FOR YOU" " ROMANCE, LAUGHTER... ( farting noise )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " plays )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " plays ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( applause )" "( music ends with quack )" "IT WILL BE PUT OUT ON MONDAY MORNING AS A TEST CARD" "AND WILL BE DESCRIBED BY THE RADIO TIMES" "AS A HISTORY OF IRISH AGRICULTURE." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( music ends with squish )" "HELLO." "TONIGHT ON FACE THE PRESS, WE'RE GOING TO EXAMINE" "TWO DIFFERENT VIEWS OF CONTEMPORARY THINGS." "ON MY LEFT IS THE MINISTER FOR HOME AFFAIRS" "WHO IS WEARING A STRIKING ORGANZA DRESS IN PINK TULLE" "WITH MATCHING PEARLS AND A DIAMANTE COLLAR NECKLACE." "THE SHOES ARE IN BRUSHED PIGSKIN WITH GOLD CLASPS" "BY MAXWELL OF BOND STREET." "THE HAIR IS BY ROGER, AND THE WHOLE ENSEMBLE" "IS CROWNED BY A SPECTACULAR DISPLAY OF CHRISTMAS ORCHIDS." "AND ON MY RIGHT" "PUTTING THE CASE AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT" "IS A SMALL PATCH OF BROWN LIQUID." "( audience laughter )" "WHICH COULD BE CREOSOTE" "OR SOME EXTRACT" "USED IN INDUSTRIAL VARNISHING." "GOOD EVENING." "( laughter )" "MINISTER, MAY I PUT THE FIRST QUESTION TO YOU?" "IN YOUR PLAN "A BETTER BRITAIN FOR US"" "YOU CLAIMED THAT YOU WOULD BUILD 88,000 MILLION BILLION HOUSES A YEAR" "IN THE GREATER LONDON AREA ALONE." "IN FACT, YOU'VE BUILT ONLY THREE IN THE LAST 15 YEARS." "ARE YOU A BIT DISAPPOINTED" "WITH THIS RESULT?" "NO, NO." "I'D LIKE TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION, IF I MAY, IN TWO WAYS:" "FIRSTLY IN MY NORMAL VOICE" "AND THEN IN A KIND OF SILLY HIGH-PITCHED WHINE." "YOU SEE, HOUSING IS A PROBLEM REALLY..." "WELL, WHILE THE MINISTER IS ANSWERING THIS QUESTION" "I'D JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT" "THE MINISTER'S DRESS HAS BEEN MADE ENTIRELY BY HAND" "FROM OVER 300 PIECES OF ARABIAN SHOT SILK... ( minister whining shrilly )" "ESPECIALLY CREATED FOR THE MINISTER BY VARGAR'S OF PARIS." "THE LOW SLIM-LINE HAS BEEN CUT OFF THE SHOULDER" "TO HEIGHTEN THE EFFECT OF THE MINISTER'S FINE BONE STRUCTURE." "I THINK THE MINISTER IS COMING TO THE END OF HIS ANSWER NOW" "SO LET'S GO BACK OVER AND JOIN THE DISCUSSION." "THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MINISTER." "TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMENT OF A NEW HEAD OF..." "DON'T I SAY ANY MORE?" "NO FEAR." "TODAY SAW THE APPOINTMENT" "OF A NEW HEAD OF ALLIED BOMBER COMMAND" "AIR CHIEF MARSHALL SIR VINCENT "KILL THE JAPS" FORSTER." "HE'S IN OUR BIRMINGHAM STUDIO." "Hello, sailors!" "Listen, guess what." "The Ministerette of Aviation has made me... ( doorbell rings ) head of the R.A.F. Ola Pola..." "HELLO..." "MRS. ROGERS?" "( in falsetto ):" "NO..." "OH, I MUST BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE." "( laughter )" "OOH..." "( laughter )" "So from now on, we're going to do things my way." "For a start, David Hockney is going to design the bombs... ( doorbell rings )" "THAT MUST BE THE NEW GAS COOKER." "( thunderous epic musicplays )" "( music stops abruptly )" "MORNING." "MRS. G. CRUMP?" "NO, MRS. G. PINNET." "THIS IS 46 EGERNON CRESCENT?" "NO, ROAD, EGERNON ROAD." "ROAD, YES, SAYS HERE, YEAH." "RIGHT, COULD I SPEAK TO MRS. G. CRUMP, PLEASE?" "OH, THERE'S NOBODY HERE OF THAT NAME." "IT'S MRS. G. PINNET, 46 EGERNON ROAD." "IT SAYS "CRUMP" HERE, DON'T IT, HARRY?" "IT'S ON THE INVOICE." "DEFINITELY "CRUMP."" "THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE" "BECAUSE THE ADDRESS IS RIGHT" "AND THAT'S DEFINITELY THE COOKER I ORDERED" "A BLUE AND WHITE COOKEASI." "WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS." "THIS IS CRUMP." "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" "WELL, I DON'T KNOW." "WE CAN TAKE IT BACK" "GET A TRANSFER SLIP FROM CRUMP TO PINNET" "AND PUT IT ON A SPECIAL DELIVERY." "THAT'S BEST-- WE'LL SPECIAL IT FOR YOU." "WE'LL GET IT DOWN THERE TODAY." "YOU'LL GET IT BACK IN TEN WEEKS." "TEN WEEKS?" "!" "CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE THIS ONE?" "WHAT, THIS?" "WHAT, LEAVE IT HERE?" "YES." "WELL, I DUNNO." "I SUPPOSE WE COULD." "OH, BUT SHE'D HAVE TO FILL OUT" "A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE." "YEAH, WE COULD LEAVE IT" "ON A TEMPORARY DISPATCH NOTE." "THAT'S SORTED OUT, THEN." "WHAT A MESS, ISN'T IT?" "I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS, REALLY" "BUT THERE YOU ARE." "GLAD WE COULD BE OF SUCH A HELP." "SIGN IT DOWN THERE, PLEASE, MRS. CRUMP." "PINNET." "LISTEN, JUST FOR THE BOOKS" "MAKE IT A BIT EASIER" "COULD YOU SIGN IT "CRUMP-PINNET"?" "RIGHT." "RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DEAR." "THE COOKER'S YOURS." "YEAH, HERE WE GO." "RIGHT." "SORRY ABOUT THE BOTHER" "BUT THERE YOU ARE, YOU KNOW, CHEERIO!" "CHEERIO, MRS. CRUMP!" "HEY, EXCUSE ME." "COOEY!" "UH, CAN YOU PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN?" "YOU WHAT?" "WELL, I CAN'T COOK ON IT" "UNLESS IT'S CONNECTED UP." "WE DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD" "AN INSTALLATION INVOICE." "AN M.I." "NO, WE CAN'T TOUCH IT WITHOUT AN M.I." "OR AN R16." "IF IT'S A SPECIAL." "NO, IT'S NOT SPECIAL." "THAT'S BACK AT THE DEPOT." "NO, THE SPECIAL'S" "THE SAME AS INSTALLATION INVOICE." "WHAT'S AN INSTALLATION INVOICE?" "A PINK FORM FROM READING." "OH, WE WONDERED WHAT THAT WAS." "NOW, THESE ARE THE FORMS." "THAT'S THE ONE, LOVE." "YEAH, THIS SHOULD BE ALL I NEED." "HANG ON, THIS IS FOR PINNET" "MRS. G. PINNET." "THAT'S RIGHT, I'M MRS. G. PINNET." "WELL WE'VE GOT "CRUMP- PINNET" ON THE INVOICE." "WELL, SHALL I SIGN IT "CRUMP-PINNET," THEN?" "NO, NO, NO, NOT AN M.I., NO." "NO, THAT'S FROM AREA SERVICE AT READING." "NO, CHELTENHAM, ISN'T IT?" "NO, NOT THIS SIDE OF THE STREET." "LOOK, I JUST WANT IT CONNECTED UP." "WHAT ABOUT LONDON OFFICE?" "NO, THEY HAVEN'T GOT THE MACHINERY." "NOT NOW." "WHAT, THE HOUNSLOW DEPOT?" "NO, THEY'RE STILL ON STANDARD PRESSURE." "SAME WITH TWICKENHAM." "BUT SURELY THEY CAN CONNECT UP A GAS COOKER." "OH, YEAH, BUT NOT UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY." "WELL, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY." "IT'S NOT;" "AN EMERGENCY IS 290" ""WHERE THERE IS ACTUAL OR APPARENT LOSS" "OF COMBUSTIBLE GASEOUS SUBSTANCES."" "YEAH, IT'S LIKE A LEAK." "OR A 478." "NO, THAT'S VALVE ADJUSTMENT." "Pinnet:" "BUT THERE CAN'T BE A LEAK" "UNLESS YOU'VE CONNECTED IT UP." "NO, QUITE." "WE'D HAVE TO TURN IT ON." "WELL, CAN'T YOU TURN IT ON" "AND CONNECT IT UP?" "NO, BUT WHAT WE CAN DO" "AND THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME;" "I SHOULDN'T REALLY BE TELLING YOU THIS" "WE'LL TURN YOUR GAS ON" "MAKE A HOLE IN YOUR PIPE" "YOU RING HOUNSLOW EMERGENCY" "THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS." "WHAT, A HOUSE FULL OF GAS?" "I'LL BE DEAD BY THEN!" "OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE" "YOU'D HAVE THE SOUTHEAST AREA MANAGER" "ROUND HERE LIKE A SHOT." "REALLY?" "AH, YES." ""ONE OR MORE PERSONS OVERCOME BY FUMES"" "YOU'D HAVE HEAD OFFICE, HOLBORN, ROUND HERE." "REALLY?" "YEAH, THAT'S MURDER, YOU SEE." "OR SUICIDE." "NO, THAT'S S42." "OH." "STILL?" "I THOUGHT IT WAS HAINAULT." "NO, CENTRAL AREA" "AND SOUTHALL MARKETING DIVISION" "THEY'RE BOTH ON THE S42 NOW." "AND THEY'D BE ABLE TO CONNECT IT UP?" "OH, THEY'D DO THE LOT FOR YOU, LOVE." "AND THEY'D COME ROUND THIS AFTERNOON?" "WELL, WHAT IS IT NOW, 11:30...?" "MURDER..." "THEY'LL BE ROUND HERE BY 2:00." "OH, WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL." "OH, RIGHT, LOVE, IF YOU'D LIKE TO LIE DOWN HERE." "ALL RIGHT." "OKAY, HARRY!" "Harry:" "OKAY, GAS ON." "RIGHT, DEEP BREATHS, LOVE." "RING HEAD OFFICE, WOULD YOU, NORMAN?" "SHALL I GO THROUGH MAINTENANCE?" "NO, YOU'D BETTER GO THROUGH DEPTFORD MAINTENANCE." "PECKHAM'S ON A 207." "( all muttering )" "THAT'S LEWISHAM, ISN'T IT... ( grumbling )" "WHAT ABOUT TOTTENHAM?" "( muttering )" "NO, THAT'D BE A 5-4." "( muttering )" "WHAT ABOUT LEWISHAM?" "IT'S CENTRAL, ISN'T IT?" "YES, OR RUISLIP." "( audience laughter )" "( whirring )" "( whirring slows and stops )" "( humming tune )" "( laughter )" "( laughter )" "GOOD MORNING." "GOOD MORNING, SIR." "CAN I HELP YOU?" "HELP ME?" "YEAH, I'LL SAY YOU CAN HELP ME." "YES, SIR?" "I COME ABOUT YOUR ADVERT" ""SMALL WHITE PUSSY CAT FOR SALE." "EXCELLENT CONDITION."" "AH, YOU WISH TO BUY IT?" "THAT'S RIGHT-- JUST FOR THE HOUR." "ONLY I AIN'T GONNA PAY MORE'N A FIVER" "'CAUSE IT AIN'T WORTH IT." "IT'S COME FROM A VERY GOOD HOME." "IT'S HOUSE TRAINED." ""CHEST OF DRAWERS..."" "CHEST..." "DRAWERS." "( laughter )" "I'D LIKE SOME CHEST OF DRAWERS, PLEASE." "YES, SIR." "DOES IT GO?" "IT'S OVER THERE IN THE CORNER." ""PRAM FOR SALE" " ANY OFFERS."" "I'D LIKE A BIT OF PRAM, PLEASE." "AH, YES, SIR." "THAT'S IN GOOD CONDITION." "OH, GOOD" " I LIKE THEM IN GOOD CONDITION, EH?" "HERE IT IS, YOU SEE." "( laughter )" ""BABY-SITTER."" "NO, IT'S A BABY-SITTER." "BABY-SITTER?" "BABY-SITTER." "I DON'T WANT A BABY-SITTER." ""BE A BLOOD DONOR," THAT'S IT." "I'D LIKE TO GIVE SOME BLOOD, PLEASE" " WHAA!" "( laughter )" "OH, SPIT, WHICH ONE IS IT?" ""BLONDE PROSTITUTE WILL INDULGE IN ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY" "FOR FOUR QUID A WEEK."" "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" "( laughter )" "TIMES, PLEASE." "OH, YES, SIR, HERE YOU ARE." "THANK YOU." "CHEERS." "( laughter )" "( great laughter )" "( door opens )" "GOOD MORNING." "I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING" "BUT I'M AFRAID MY..." "MY WALK HAS BECOME RATHER SILLIER RECENTLY" "AND SO IT TAKES ME RATHER LONGER TO GET TO WORK." "NOW THEN, WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?" "WELL, SIR, I HAVE A SILLY WALK" "AND I'D LIKE TO OBTAIN A GOVERNMENT GRANT" "TO HELP ME DEVELOP IT." "I SEE." "MAY I SEE YOUR SILLY WALK?" "YES, CERTAINLY, YES." "( light laughter )" "THAT'S IT, IS IT?" "YES, THAT'S IT, YES." "MM-HMM, IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY SILLY, IS IT?" "I MEAN, THE RIGHT LEG ISN'T SILLY AT ALL" "AND THE LEFT LEG MERELY DOES A FORWARD AERIAL HALF TURN" "EVERY ALTERNATE STEP." "YES, BUT WITH GOVERNMENT BACKING" "I COULD MAKE IT VERY SILLY." "MR. PUDEY, THE VERY REAL PROBLEM IS ONE OF MONEY." "I'M AFRAID THAT THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS" "IS NO LONGER GETTING" "THE KIND OF SUPPORT IT NEEDS." "YOU SEE, THERE'S DEFENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY" "HEALTH, HOUSING, EDUCATION, SILLY WALKS..." "THEY'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO GET THE SAME." "BUT LAST YEAR, THE GOVERNMENT" "SPENT LESS ON THE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS" "THAN IT DID ON NATIONAL DEFENSE." "NOW, WE GET Pound348 MILLION A YEAR" "WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPENT" "ON ALL OUR AVAILABLE PRODUCTS." "UH, COFFEE?" "YES, PLEASE." "UH, MRS. TWO-LUMPS" "WOULD YOU BRING US IN TWO COFFEES, PLEASE?" "Yes, Mr. Teabag." "OUT OF HER MIND." "NOW, THE JAPANESE HAVE A MAN" "WHO CAN BEND HIS LEG BACK OVER HIS HEAD AND BACK AGAIN" "WITH EVERY SINGLE STEP, WHILE THE ISRAELIS... ( knock at door )" "AH, HERE'S THE COFFEE." "( laughter )" "THANK YOU" " LOVELY." "YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED IN SILLY WALKS, AREN'T YOU?" "OH, RATHER." "WELL, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, THEN." "( simple tune playing )" "( laughter )" "MR. PUDEY... ( crashing )" "I'M NOT GOING TO MINCE WORDS WITH YOU." "I'M GOING TO OFFER YOU A RESEARCH FELLOWSHIP" "ON THE ANGLO-FRENCH SILLY WALK." "LA MARCHE FUTILE?" "BONJOUR." "( speaking sham French very quickly )" "AU SUJET DU "LE MARCHE COMIQUE. "" "ETMAINTENANT, JE VOUS PRESENTE, ENCORE UNE FOIS" "MON AMI, LE POUF CELEBRE, JEAN-BRIAN ZATAPA THIQUE." "MERCI, MON PETIT CHOUCHOU, BRIAN TRUBSHA WE." "ETMAINTENANTA VEC LE PIED A DROITE ET LE PIED A GAUCHE" "ETMAINTENANT L'ANGLAIS- FRANCAISE MARCHE FUTILE." "ET..." "VOI..." "LA!" "( both humming "La Marseillaise" )" "( audience laughter )" "( recording of "La Marseillaise" speeding up )" "Announcer:" "AND NOWA CHOICE OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION:" "JUST STARTED ON BBC2" "THE SEMIFINAL OF EPISODE THREE OF KIERKEGAARD'S JOURNALS" "STARRING RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN, PEGGY MOUNTAND BILLY BREMNER." "AND ON BBC 1, ETHEL THE FROG." "( laughter, theme musicplays )" "GOOD EVENING." "ON ETHEL THE FROG TONIGHT, WE LOOK AT VIOLENCE" "THE VIOLENCE OF BRITISH GANGLAND." "LAST TUESDAY A REIGN OF TERROR WAS ENDED" "WHEN THE NOTORIOUS PIRANHA BROTHERS, DOUG AND DINSDALE" "AFTER ONE OF THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY TRIALS" "IN BRITISH LEGAL HISTORY" "WERE SENTENCED TO 400 YEARS' IMPRISONMENT" "FOR CRIMES OF VIOLENCE." "TONIGHT ETHEL THE FROG EXAMINES" "THE RISE TO POWER OF THE PIRANHAS" "THE METHODS THEY USED TO SUBJUGATE RIVAL GANGS" "AND THEIR SUBSEQUENT TRACKING DOWN AND CAPTURE" "BY THE BRILLIANT SUPERINTENDENT HARRY "SNAPPER" ORGANS" "OF "Q" DIVISION." "DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA WERE BORN, ON PROBATION" "IN THIS HOUSE IN KIPLING ROAD, SOUTHWARK" "THE ELDEST SONS IN A FAMILY OF 16." "THEIR FATHER, ARTHUR PIRANHA" "A SCRAP METAL DEALER AND TV QUIZMASTER" "WAS WELL KNOWN TO THE POLICE AND A DEVOUT CATHOLIC." "IN JANUARY 1928, HE HAD MARRIED KITTY MALONE" "AN UP-AND-COMING EAST END BOXER." "DOUG WAS BORN IN FEBRUARY 1929 AND DINSDALE TWO WEEKS LATER" "AND AGAIN A WEEK AFTER THAT." "THEIR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR WAS MRS. APRIL SIMNEL." "KIPLING ROAD WERE A TYPICAL SORT OF EAST END STREET." "PEOPLE WERE IN AND OUT OF EACH OTHER'S HOUSES" "WITH EACH OTHER'S PROPERTY ALL DAY LONG." "THEY WERE A CHEERY LOT, THOUGH." "WAS IT A TERRIBLY VIOLENT AREA?" "( laughing )" "YES, CHEERFUL AND VIOLENT." "I REMEMBER DOUG WAS VERY KEEN ON BOXING" "UNTIL HE LEARNED TO WALK." "THEN HE TOOK UP PUTTING THE BOOT IN THE GROIN." "OH, HE WAS VERY INTERESTED IN THAT." "HIS MOTHER USED TO HAVE SUCH TROUBLE" "GETTING HIM TO COME IN FOR HIS TEA." "HE'D BE OUT THERE PUTTING HIS LITTLE BOOT IN, YOU KNOW." "BLESS HIM." "BUT, YOU KNOW, KIDS WERE VERY DIFFERENT THEN." "THEY DIDN'T HAVE THEIR HEADS FILLED" "WITH ALL THIS CARTESIAN DUALISM." "Presenter:" "AT THE AGE OF 15, DOUG AND DINSDALE STARTED ATTENDING" "THE ERNEST PYTHAGORAS PRIMARY SCHOOL IN CLERKENWELL." "ANTHONY VINEY" "YOU TAUGHT THE PIRANHA BROTHERS ENGLISH." "WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THEM?" "( voices inaudible,:" "audience laughter )" "( laughter continues )" "( laughter continues )" "ANTHONY VINEY." "WHEN THE PIRANHAS LEFT SCHOOL, THEY WERE CALLED UP" "BUT WERE FOUND BY AN ARMY BOARD TO BE TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE" "EVEN FOR NATIONAL SERVICE." "DENIED THE OPPORTUNITY TO USE THEIR TALENTS" "IN THE SERVICE OF THEIR COUNTRY" "THEY BEGAN TO OPERATE WHAT THEY CALLED "THE OPERATION."" "THEY WOULD SELECT A VICTIM AND THEN THREATEN TO BEAT HIM UP" "IF HE PAID THEM THE SO-CALLED PROTECTION MONEY." "FOUR MONTHS LATER, THEY STARTED ANOTHER OPERATION" "WHICH THEY CALLED "THE OTHER OPERATION."" "IN THIS RACKET, THEY SELECTED ANOTHER VICTIM" "AND THREATENED NOT TO BEAT HIM UP IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM." "ONE MONTH LATER, THEY HIT UPON "THE OTHER OTHER OPERATION."" "IN THIS, THE VICTIM WAS THREATENED" "THAT IF HE DIDN'T PAY THEM, THEY WOULD BEAT HIM UP." "THIS FOR THE PIRANHA BROTHERS WAS THE TURNING POINT." "( laughter )" "DOUG AND DINSDALE PIRANHA NOW FORMED A GANG" "WHICH THEY CALLED "THE GANG"" "AND USED TERROR TO TAKE OVER NIGHTCLUBS, BILLIARD HALLS" "GAMING CASINOS AND RACE TRACKS." "WHEN THEY TRIED TO TAKE OVER THE M.C.C." "THEY WERE, FOR THE ONLY TIME IN THEIR LIVES, SLIT UP A TREAT." "AS THEIR EMPIRE SPREAD, HOWEVER" "WE IN "Q" DIVISION WERE KEEPING TABS ON THEIR EVERY MOVEMENT" "BY READING THE COLOR SUPPLEMENTS." "A SMALL-TIME OPERATOR WHO FELL FOUL OF DINSDALE PIRANHA" "WAS VINCE SNETTERTON-LEWIS." "WELL, ONE DAY I WAS SITTING AT HOME THREATENING THE KIDS" "AND I LOOKED OUT OF THE HOLE IN THE WALL" "AND I SAW THIS TANK DRIVE UP AND ONE OF DINSDALE'S BOYS GETS OUT" "AND HE COMES UP, ALL NICE AND FRIENDLY LIKE" "AND SAYS DINSDALE WANTS TO HAVE A TALK WITH ME." "SO HE CHAINS ME TO THE BACK OF THE TANK" "AND TAKES ME FOR A SCRAPE ROUND TO DINSDALE'S PLACE." "AND DINSDALE'S THERE IN THE CONVERSATION PIT" "WITH DOUG AND CHARLES PAISLEY, THE BABY CRUSHER" "AND A COUPLE OF FILM PRODUCERS" "AND A MAN THEY CALLED KIERKEGAARD" "WHO JUST SAT THERE BITING THE HEADS OFF WHIPPETS." "AND DINSDALE SAID" ""I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY, CLEMENT"" "AND HE SPLITS ME NOSTRILS OPEN AND SAWS ME LEG OFF" "AND PULLS ME LIVER OUT." "AND I SAID, "MY NAME'S NOT CLEMENT."" "AND THEN HE LOSES HIS TEMPER" "AND HE NAILS MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR." "Interviewer:" "HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR?" "AT FIRST, YEAH." "ANOTHER MAN WHO HAD HIS HEAD NAILED TO THE FLOOR" "WAS STIG O'TRACEY." "STIG, I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT DINSDALE PIRANHA" "NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR." "( astonished ):" "NO, NO, NEVER, NEVER." "HE WAS A SMASHING BLOKE." "HE USED TO GIVE HIS MOTHER FLOWERS AND THAT." "HE WAS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME." "BUT THE POLICE HAVE FILM OF DINSDALE" "ACTUALLY NAILING YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR." "OH, YEAH, WELL..." "HE DID THAT, YEAH." "WHY?" "WELL, HE HAD TO, DIDN'T HE?" "I MEAN, BE FAIR." "THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE HE COULD DO." "I MEAN, I HAD TRANSGRESSED THE UNWRITTEN LAW." "WHAT HAD YOU DONE?" "UH..." "WELL, HE NEVER TOLD ME THAT." "BUT HE GAVE ME HIS WORD THAT IT WAS THE CASE" "AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME WITH OLD DINSY." "I MEAN, HE DIDN'T WANT TO NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR." "I HAD TO INSIST." "HE WANTED TO LET ME OFF." "THERE'S NOTHING DINSDALE WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU." "AND YOU DON'T BEAR HIM ANY GRUDGE?" "A GRUDGE?" "!" "OLD DINSY?" "HE WAS A REAL DARLING." "I UNDERSTAND HE ALSO NAILED YOUR WIFE'S HEAD TO A COFFEE TABLE." "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MRS. O'TRACEY?" "OH, NO, NO, NO." "YEAH, WELL, HE DID DO THAT." "YEAH, YEAH." "HE WAS A CRUEL MAN, BUT FAIR." "Interviewer:" "VINCE, AFTER HE NAILED YOUR HEAD TO THE FLOOR" "DID YOU EVER SEE HIM AGAIN?" "YEAH, AFTER THAT, I USED TO GO ROUND TO HIS FLAT" "EVERY SUNDAY LUNCHTIME TO APOLOGIZE" "AND WE'D SHAKE HANDS, AND THEN HE'D NAIL MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR." "EVERY SUNDAY?" "YEAH, BUT HE WAS VERY REASONABLE ABOUT IT." "I MEAN, ONE SUNDAY" "WHEN MY PARENTS WERE COMING ROUND FOR TEA" "I ASKED HIM IF HE'D MIND VERY MUCH" "NOT NAILING MY HEAD TO THE FLOOR THAT WEEK" "AND HE AGREED AND JUST SCREWED MY PELVIS TO A CAKE STAND." "HE WAS THE ONLY FRIEND I EVER HAD." "( coughs )" "( muffled ):" "I WOULDN'T HEAR A WORD AGAINST HIM." "( disembodied voice ):" "LOVELY FELLA." "CLEARLY DINSDALE INSPIRED TREMENDOUS LOYALTY AND TERROR" "AMONGST HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, BUT WHAT WAS HE REALLY LIKE?" "I WALKED OUT WITH DINSDALE ON MANY OCCASIONS" "AND FOUND HIM A MOST CHARMING AND ERUDITE COMPANION." "HE WAS WONT TO INTRODUCE ONE TO MANY EMINENT PERSONS" "CELEBRATED AMERICAN SINGERS, MEMBERS OF THE ARISTOCRACY" "AND OTHER GANG LEADERS." "Interviewer:" "HOW HAD HE MET THEM?" "THROUGH HIS WORK FOR CHARITY." "HE TOOK A WARM INTEREST IN BOYS' CLUBS, SAILORS' HOMES" "CHORISTERS' ASSOCIATIONS, SCOUTING JAMBOREES" "AND, OF COURSE, THE HOUSEHOLD CAVALRY." "WAS THERE ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT HIM?" "I SHOULD SAY NOT." "DINSDALE WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL PERSON IN EVERY WAY" "EXCEPT..." "EXCEPT INASMUCH AS HE WAS CONVINCED" "THAT HE WAS BEING WATCHED BY A GIANT HEDGEHOG" "WHOM HE REFERRED TO AS SPINY NORMAN." "HOW BIG WAS NORMAN SUPPOSED TO BE?" "NORMALLY HE WAS WONT TO BE ABOUT 12 FEET FROM SNOUT TO TAIL" "BUT WHEN DINSDALE WAS VERY DEPRESSED" "NORMAN COULD BE ANYTHING UP TO 800 YARDS LONG." "WHEN NORMAN WAS ABOUT, DINSDALE WOULD GO VERY QUIET" "AND HIS NOSE WOULD SWELL UP" "AND HIS TEETH WOULD START MOVING ABOUT" "AND HE'D BECOME VERY VIOLENT" "AND CLAIM THAT HE'D LAID STANLEY BALDWIN." "DINSDALE WAS A GENTLEMAN." "AND WHAT'S MORE, HE KNEW HOW TO TREAT A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR." "( laughter )" "IT'S EASY FOR US TO JUDGE DINSDALE PIRANHA TOO HARSHLY." "AFTER ALL, HE ONLY DID WHAT MOST OF US SIMPLY DREAM OF DOING." "( grunts )" "( scattered laughter )" "I'M SORRY." "( laughter )" "AFTER ALL, A MURDERER IS ONLY AN EXTROVERTED SUICIDE." "( laughter )" "DINSDALE WAS A LOONY, BUT HE WAS A HAPPY LOONY." "LUCKY BASTARD." "MOST OF THESE STRANGE TALES CONCERN DINSDALE" "BUT WHAT OF DOUG?" "ONE MAN WHO MET HIM WAS LUIGI VERCOTTI." "WELL, I HAD BEEN RUNNING A SUCCESSFUL ESCORT AGENCY." "HIGH-CLASS" " NO, REALLY-- HIGH-CLASS GIRLS." "WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT." "THAT WAS RIGHT OUT." "AND I DECIDED... ( phone rings )" "EXCUSE ME." "HELLO?" "NO, NOT NOW." "SHTOOM, SHTOOM." "RIGHT, YES, WE'LL HAVE THE WA TCH READY FOR YOU AT MIDNIGHT." "THE WATCH..." "THE CHINESE WATCH." "( laughter )" "YES, ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE..." "MOTHER." "( laughter )" "ANYWAY, I DECIDED THEN TO OPEN" "A HIGH-CLASS NIGHTCLUB FOR THE GENTRY" "AT BIGGLESWADE WITH INTERNATIONAL CUISINE" "COOKING, TOP-LINE ACTS" "AND NOT A CHEAP CLIP JOINT FOR PICKING UP TARTS." "THAT WAS RIGHT OUT, I DENY THAT COMPLETELY." "AND ONE NIGHT DINSDALE WALKED IN" "WITH A COUPLE OF BIG LADS" "ONE OF WHOM WAS CARRYING A TACTICAL NUCLEAR MISSILE." "THEY SAID I'D BOUGHT ONE OF THEIR FRUIT MACHINES" "AND WOULD I PAY FOR IT." "HOW MUCH DID THEY WANT?" "THREE-QUARTERS OF A MILLION POUNDS." "THEN THEY WENT OUT." "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL FOR THE POLICE?" "WELL, I'D NOTICED THAT THE LAD WITH THE THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE" "WAS THE CHIEF CONSTABLE FOR THE AREA." "( laughter )" "ANYWAY, A WEEK LATER THEY COME BACK" "SAID THAT THE CHECK HAD BOUNCED" "AND THAT I HAD TO SEE DOUG." "DOUG?" "( quietly ):" "DOUG." "I WAS TERRIFIED OF HIM." "EVERYONE WAS TERRIFIED OF DOUG." "I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN PULL THEIR OWN HEADS OFF" "RATHER THAN SEE DOUG." "( laughter )" "EVEN DINSDALE WAS FRIGHTENED OF DOUG." "WHAT DID HE DO?" "HE USED SARCASM." "HE KNEW ALL THE TRICKS-- DRAMATIC IRONY, METAPHOR" "BATHOS, PUNS, PARODY, LITOTES..." "AND SATIRE." "Presenter:" "BY A COMBINATION OF VIOLENCE AND SARCASM" "THE PIRANHA BROTHERS, BY FEBRUARY 1966" "CONTROLLED LONDON AND THE SOUTH EAST." "IN FEBRUARY, THOUGH, DINSDALE MADE A BIG MISTAKE." "LATELY, DINSDALE HAD BECOME INCREASINGLY WORRIED" "ABOUT SPINY NORMAN." "HE HAD COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT NORMAN SLEPT" "IN AN AEROPLANE HANGAR AT LUTON AIRPORT." "AND SO, ON FEBRUARY 22, 1966, AT LUTON AIRPORT... ( explosion )" "EVEN THE POLICE BEGAN TO SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE." "( laughter )" "THE PIRANHAS REALIZED THEY HAD GONE TOO FAR" "AND THAT THE HUNT WAS ON." "THEY WENT INTO HIDING AND I DECIDED ON A SUBTLE APPROACH" "VIZ." "SOME FORM OF DISGUISE" "AS THE OLD HELMET AND BOOTS WERE A BIT OF A GIVEAWAY." "LUCKILY, MY YEARS WITH BRISTOL REP STOOD ME IN GOOD STEAD" "AS I ASSUMED A BEWILDERING VARIETY OF DISGUISES." "I TRACKED THEM TO CARDIFF POSING AS THE REVEREND SMILER EGRET." "HEARING THEY'D GONE BACK TO LONDON" "I ASSUMED THE IDENTITY OF A PORK BUTCHER, BRIAN STOATS." "ON MY ARRIVAL IN LONDON" "I DISCOVERED THEY HAD RETURNED TO CARDIFF." "I FOLLOWED AS GLOUCESTER FROM KING LEAR." "ACTING ON A HUNCH" "I SPENT SEVERAL MONTHS IN BUENOS AIRES AS BLIND PEW" "RETURNING THROUGH THE PANAMA CANAL" "AS RATTY IN TOAD OF TOAD HALL." "BACK IN CARDIFF, I RELIVED MY TRIUMPH" "AS SANCHO PANZA IN MAN OF LA MANCHA" "WHICH THE BRISTOL EVENING POST DESCRIBED" "AS "A GLITTERING PERFORMANCE OF RARE PERCEPTION"" "ALTHOUGH THE BA TH CHRONICLE WAS LESS THAN ENTHUSIASTIC." "IN FACT, IT GAVE ME A RIGHT PANNING" " I QUOTE..." "Presenter:" ""AS FOR THE PERFORMANCE" ""OF SUPERINTENDENT HARRY 'SNAPPER' ORGANS" ""AS SANCHO PANZA" ""THE AUDIENCE WERE BEMUSED BY HIS HIGH-PITCHED WELSH ACCENT" "AND INTIMIDATED BY HIS ABUSIVE AD LIBS."" "Organs:" "THE WESTERN DAILY NEWS SAID..." "Presenter:" ""SANCHO PANZA (MR. ORGANS)" ""SPOILT AN OTHERWISE IMPECCABLY CHOREOGRAPHED RAPE SCENE" ""BY HIS UNSCHEDULED APPEARANCE" "AND PERSISTENT CRIES OF 'WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?" "'"" "( laughter )" "NEVER MIND, SNAPPER, LOVE." "YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL." "TRUE, CONSTABLE." "COULD I HAVE MY EYELINER, PLEASE?" "TELEGRAM FOR YOU, LOVE." "OH, GOOD-O." "BET IT'S FROM BINKIE." "THOSE FLOWERS ARE FOR SERGEANT LAUDERDALE" "FROM THE GENTLEMAN WAITING OUTSIDE." "OH, GOOD." "30 SECONDS, SUPERINTENDENT." "OH, BLIMEY, I'M ON." "IS ME HAT STRAIGHT, CONSTABLE?" "OH, IT'S FINE." "RIGHT, HERE WE GO THEN, HAWKINS." "OH, MERDE, SUPERINTENDENT." "GOOD LUCK, THEN." "( laughter )" "Newspaper seller:" "READ ALL ABOUT IT!" "PIRANHA BROTHERS ESCAPE!" "( screaming )" "Spooky voice:" "DINSDALE?" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "DINSDALE?" "DINSDALE?" "DINSDALE?" "( laughter )" "DINSDALE?" "DINSDALE!" "DINSDALE!" "DINSDALE!" "DINSDALE!" "WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, AND SO UNTIL NEXT WEEK..." "( stomping, whooshing continue )" "( scattered audience laughter )" "( audience laughter )" "( motor chugging )" "( motor humming )" "( thud )" "( laughter )" "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with squish )" "( knock at door )" "COME IN." "TROUBLE AT MILL." "OH, NO..." "WHAT SORT OF TROUBLE?" "ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OWT ASKEW ON TREDDLE." "PARDON?" "ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OWT ASKEW ON TREDDLE." "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING." "ONE OF THE CROSSBEAMS HAS GONE OUT OF SKEW ON THE TREDDLE." "BUT WHAT ON EARTH DOES THAT MEAN?" "I DON'T KNOW." "MR. WENTWORTH JUST TOLD ME" "TO COME IN HERE AND SAY" "THERE WAS TROUBLE AT THE MILL, THAT'S ALL." "I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION." "( jarring chordplays )" "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION." "OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE." "SURPRISE AND FEAR, FEAR AND SURPRISE." "OUR TWO WEAPONS ARE FEAR AND SURPRISE" "AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY." "OUR THREE WEAPONS ARE FEAR AND SURPRISE AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY" "AND AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE." "OUR FOUR..." "NO..." "AMONGST OUR WEAPONS..." "AMONGST OUR WEAPONRY ARE" "SUCH ELEMENTS AS FEAR..." "I'LL COME IN AGAIN." "( laughter )" "( door shuts )" "I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION." "( jarring chordplays )" "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" "AMONGST OUR WEAPONRY ARE SUCH DIVERSE ELEMENTS AS FEAR" "SURPRISE, RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY" "AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE" "AND NICE RED UNIFORM..." "OH, DAMN!" "I..." "I CAN'T SAY IT." "YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY IT." "WHAT?" "YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY THE BIT" "ABOUT "OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE..."" "I COULDN'T DO THAT." "I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION." "( jarring chordplays )" "UH..." "UH..." "NOBODY..." "UM... ( between teeth ):" "EXPECTS." "EXPECTS." "NOBODY EXPECTS THE, UM..." "SPANISH... ( between teeth ):" "INQUISITION." "I KNOW, I KNOW." "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION." "IN FACT, THOSE WHO DO EXPECT... ( between teeth ):" "OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE..." "OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE..." "UM..." "SURPRISE." "SURPRISE." "GOOD, STOP, STOP..." "STOP THERE." "WHEW!" "OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE." "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH." "CARDINAL, READ THE CHARGES." "YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED" "THAT YOU DID ON DIVERSE DATES" "COMMIT HERESY AGAINST THE HOLY CHURCH." "MY OLD MAN SAID..." "THAT'S ENOUGH." "NOW..." "HOW DO YOU PLEAD?" "WE'RE INNOCENT." "HA!" "WE'LL SOON CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THAT!" "( laughter )" "FEAR, SURPRISE AND A MOST RUTHLESS..." "OOH!" "NOW..." "CARDINAL..." "THE RACK!" "( laughter )" "YOU..." "RIGHT." "TIE HER DOWN." "( laughing diabolically )" "RIGHT." "HOW DO YOU PLEAD?" "INNOCENT." "HA!" "RIGHT!" "CARDINAL..." "GIVE THE RACK..." "OH, DEAR." "GIVE THE RACK..." "A TURN." "I..." "I KNOW..." "I KNOW YOU CAN'T." "I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING." "I JUST WANTED TO TRY AND IGNORE" "YOUR CRASS MISTAKE." "MAKES IT ALL SEEM SO STUPID." "SHALL I..." "OH, GOD, JUST PRETEND, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" "( laughing diabolically )" "( laughter )" "( doorbell rings )" "AH, HELLO, YOU DON'T KNOW ME" "BUT I'M FROM THE B.B.C." "WE WERE WONDERING" "IF YOU'D COME AND ANSWER THE DOOR" "IN A SKETCH OVER THERE" "IN THAT SORT OF DIRECTION." "YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING" "JUST OPEN THE DOOR AND THAT'S IT." "OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, YES." "JOLLY GOOD, COME THIS WAY." "FINE." "YES, WE'RE ON FILM" "AT THE MOMENT, YOU SEE?" "IT'S A LINK, IS IT?" "YES, THAT'S RIGHT, THAT SORT OF THING." "YES, A LINK." "IT'S ALL A BIT ZANY, YOU KNOW" "A BIT MADCAP FUNSTER." "FRANKLY, I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF." "THE KIDS SEEM TO LIKE IT." "I MUCH PREFER DES O'CONNOR, OF COURSE" "ROLF HARRIS, TOM JONES, YOU KNOW." "( continues making small talk )" "( motor starts )" "( laughter )" "YOU DO A LOT OF THIS SORT OF THING, DO YOU?" "QUITE A LOT, YES, QUITE A LOT." "I'M MAINLY IN COMEDY." "I'D LIKE TO BE IN PROGRAM PLANNING, ACTUALLY, BUT..." "UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE GOT A DEGREE." "( laughter )" "( doorbell rings )" "JOKE, SIR?" "GUARANTEED AMUSING." "AS USED BY THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE." "HAS BROUGHT TEARS TO THE EYES OF ROYALTY." ""DENMARK HAS NEVER LAUGHED SO MUCH"" ""THE STAGE."" "NICE LITTLE NOVELTY NUMBER, A "NAUGHTY HUMPHREY."" "BREAKS THE ICE AT PARTIES." "PUT IT ON THE TABLE, PRESS THE BUTTON" " IT VOMITS." "( laughter )" "ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED, WITH REFILLS." ""BLACK SOAP."" "LEAVE IT IN THE BATHROOM" "THEY WASH THEIR HANDS, REAL FUNGUS GROWS ON THE FINGERS." "CAN'T GET IT OFF FOR HOURS." "GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES." "FRIGHTEN THE ELDERLY-- REAL SNAKES." "COMEDY HERNIA KIT." "PLASTIC FLESH WOUNDS." "JUST KEEP YOUR FRIENDS IN STITCHES." "GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES." "HOURS OF FUN WITH "HONEYMOON DELIGHT."" "EMPTY INTO THEIR BEDS REAL SKUNK JUICE." "THEY WON'T FORGET THEIR WEDDING NIGHT." "STICKS TO THE SKIN." "ABSOLUTELY WATERPROOF." "GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES." "AMUSE YOUR FRIENDS." "C.S. GAS CANISTERS-- SMELLS, TASTES AND ACTS" "JUST LIKE THE REAL THING;" "CAN BLIND, MAIM OR KILL." "OR FOR DRINKS, WHY NOT BUY A "WICKED WILLY"" "WITH A LIFE-SIZE WINKLE?" "SERVES WARM BEER." "MAKES REAL COCKTAILS." "HOURS OF AMUSEMENT." "OR GET THE NEW POOH-POOH MACHINE." "EMBARRASS YOUR GUESTS" "COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC SOUND." "OR WHY NOT TRY A NEW "NAUGHTY NIGHTIE"?" "PUT IT ON AND IT MELTS." "JUST WATCH THEIR FACES." "GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT NAUGHTY PARTIES." "GO ON, GO ON." "WHAT?" "DO THE PUNCH LINE." "WHAT PUNCH LINE?" "THE PUNCH LINE FOR THIS BIT." "I DON'T KNOW IT." "THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING" "ABOUT A PUNCH LINE." "OH!" "OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE" "I'LL BE SAYING GOOD-BYE THEN, SIR." "GOOD-BYE THEN, SIR." "( scattered laughter )" "( muttering as truck idles )" "WHAT'S THE PUNCH LINE?" "PUNCH LINE?" "I DON'T THINK THERE'S A PUNCH LINE SCHEDULED" "IS THERE?" "WHERE ARE WE?" "UH..." "WEEK 39.4..." "NO, IT'S FRIDAY, ISN'T IT?" "39.7..." "UH..." "HERE WE ARE." "OH!" "( laughing )" "VERY GOOD." "( laughing )" "VERY GOOD." "WHAT A GOOD PUNCH LINE." "PITY WE MISSED THAT." "STILL, NEVER MIND." "WE CAN ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN." "MAKE A SERIES OUT OF IT." "NOW, IF YOU WOULD JUST SIGN THERE" "I'LL PUT THIS THROUGH" "TO OUR CONTRACTS DEPARTMENT" "AND YOU SHOULD BE HEARING FROM THEM" "IN A YEAR OR TWO." "CAN YOU GIVE ME A LIFT BACK?" "AH, CAN DO..." "BUT WON'T." "WE WERE WONDERING" "IF WE COULD POSSIBLY BORROW YOUR HEAD" "FOR A PIECE OF ANIMATION." "WHAT?" "OH, JOLLY GOOD." "THANKS VERY, VERY MUCH." "( yells )" "YOU WILL GET EXPENSES." "( yelling )" "( sawing )" "( muffled screaming )" "( motorputt-putting )" "( ratcheting )" "( motorputt-putting )" "( whispering )" "( whispering )" "WE'VE GOT TO GET IN THERE AND GET IT." "Sergeant:" "I KNOW, SIR, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT." "Sergeant:" "I KNOW, SIR, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT." "Sergeant:" "YES, SIR, BUT WHAT?" "WELL, WE COULD..." "NO, NO, IT'S GOT TO BE..." "NO, NOT RIGHT!" "WAIT!" "I'VE GOT IT!" "( cancan musicplaying )" "( suction breaking )" "WELL DONE, SOLDIER." "LOAD AND FIRE." "YES, SIR." "FIRE!" "( man yells )" "READY, AIM, FIRE!" "WE ARE NOT AMUSED." "( laughter )" "( horn toots )" "( horn toots )" "( horn toots )" "HMM..." "HMMM... ( man expressing increasing surprise )" "( man clearing throat )" "( clears throat again )" "GENTLEMEN..." "OUR M.P. SAW THE P.M. THIS A.M." "AND THE P.M. WANTS MORE L.S.D. FROM THE P.I.B." "BY TOMORROW A.M. OR P.M. AT THE LATEST." "I TOLD THE P.M.'S P.P.S. THAT A.M. WAS N.B.G." "SO TOMORROW P.M. IT IS FOR THE P.M. NEM." "CON." "GIVE US A FAG OR I'LL GO SPARE." "NOW..." "THE FISCAL DEFICIT WITH REGARD TO THE MONETARY BALANCE" "THE CURRENT FINANCIAL YEAR, EXCLUDING INVISIBLE EXPORTS" "BUT ADJUSTED OF COURSE FOR SEASONAL VARIATIONS" "AND THE INCREMENTAL STATISTICS" "OF THE FISCAL AND REVENUE ARRANGEMENTS" "FOR THE FORTHCOMING ANNUAL BUDGETARY PERIOD" "TERMINATING IN APRIL." "I THINK HE'S TALKING ABOUT TAXATION." "BRAVO, MADGE." "WELL DONE." "TAXATION IS INDEED THE VERY NUB OF MY GIST." "GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING NEW TO TAX." "I UNDERSTOOD THAT." "IF I MIGHT PUT MY HEAD ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK" "SO YOU CAN KICK IT AROUND A BIT, SIR..." "MM-HMM." "WELL, MOST THINGS WE DO" "FOR PLEASURE NOWADAYS ARE TAXED" "EXCEPT..." "ONE." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "WELL, SMOKING'S BEEN TAXED" "DRINKING'S BEEN TAXED..." "BUT NOT..." "UH..." "THINGY." "( laughter )" "GOOD LORD." "YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING WE SHOULD TAX..." "THINGY." "POO POOS?" "NO!" "THANK GOD FOR THAT." "EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT." "( laughter )" "NO, NO, NO, THINGY!" "NUMBER ONES?" "NO..." "THINGY!" "THINGY!" "OH!" "THINGY!" "WELL, IT'D CERTAINLY MAKE CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY" "A MUCH MORE INTERESTING JOB." "I WOULD PUT A TAX..." "ON ALL PEOPLE..." "WHO STAND IN WATER." "OH!" "( laughter )" "TO BOOST THE BRITISH ECONOMY" "I'D TAX ALL FOREIGNERS LIVING ABROAD." "( laughter )" "I WOULD TAX THE NUDE IN MY BED." "NO, NOT TAX..." "WHAT IS THE WORD?" "( laughter )" "WELCOME." "I WOULD TAX RAQUEL WELCH" "AND I'VE A FEELING SHE'D TAX ME." "I WOULD BRING BACK HANGING AND GO INTO ROPE." "I WOULD CUT OFF THE MORE DISREPUTABLE PARTS OF THE BODY" "AND USE THE SPACE FOR PLAYING FIELDS." "I WOULD TAX HOLIDAY SNAPS." "( camera shutter clicks )" "THIS IS UNCLE TED IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE." "THIS IS UNCLE TED" "AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE." "THIS IS UNCLE TED" "AT THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE." "THIS IS UNCLE TED BACK AGAIN" "AT THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE" "BUT YOU CAN SEE THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE." "AND THIS IS UNCLE TED" "EVEN NEARER THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE" "BUT YOU CAN STILL SEE THE FRONT." "THIS IS THE BACK OF THE HOUSE" "WITH UNCLE TED COMING ROUND THE SIDE" "TO THE FRONT." "AND THIS IS THE SPANISH INQUISITION" "HIDING BEHIND THE COAL SHED." "OH, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION." "( jarring chordplays )" "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" "( dramatic musicplays )" "( chuckling diabolically )" "( laughter )" "HA!" "NOW, OLD WOMAN, YOU ARE ACCUSED" "OF HERESY ON THREE COUNTS:" "HERESY BY THOUGHT, HERESY BY WORD" "HERESY BY DEED AND HERESY BY ACTION." "FOUR COUNTS." "( laughter )" "DO YOU CONFESS?" "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M ACCUSED OF." "HA!" "HA!" "HA!" "THEN WE SHALL MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND!" "BIGGLES... ( laughter )" "FETCH THE CUSHIONS!" "( jarring chordplays )" "HERE THEY ARE, LORD." "NOW, OLD LADY, YOU HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE." "CONFESS TO THE HEINOUS SIN OF HERESY" "REJECT THE WORKS OF THE" "TWO LAST CHANCES-- AND YOU SHALL BE FREE." "THREE LAST CHANCES-- YOU HAVE THREE LAST CHANCES" "THE NATURE OF WHICH I HAVE DIVULGED" "IN MY PREVIOUS UTTERANCE." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT." "RIGHT!" "IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT!" "CARDINAL..." "POKE HER WITH THE SOFT CUSHIONS!" "CONFESS!" "CONFESS!" "CONFESS!" "IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE HURTING HER, MY LORD." "HAVE YOU GOT ALL THE STUFFING UP ONE END?" "YES, LORD." "HMM, SHE IS MADE OF HARDER STUFF." "CARDINAL FANG..." "FETCH..." "THE COMFY CHAIR." "( jarring chordplays )" "THE COMFY CHAIR?" "YES." "( inquisitors laughing diabolically )" "SO, YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG" "BECAUSE YOU CAN SURVIVE THE SOFT CUSHIONS!" "WELL, WE SHALL SEE!" "BIGGLES, PUT HER IN THE COMFY CHAIR!" "NOW..." "YOU WILL STAY IN THE COMFY CHAIR UNTIL LUNCH TIME" "WITH ONLY A CUP OF COFFEE AT 11:00." "IS THAT REALLY ALL IT IS?" "YES, LORD." "I SEE." "I SUPPOSE WE MAKE IT WORSE" "BY SHOUTING A LOT, DO WE?" "( laughter )" "( softly ):" "CONFESS, WOMAN." "( louder ):" "CONFESS!" "( still louder ):" "CONFESS!" "( shouting ):" "CONFESS!" "CONFESS!" "I CONFESS!" "NOT YOU!" "I CONFESS." "WHO WAS THAT?" "I CONFESS." "( buzzer )" "( "God Save the Queen"playing )" "I CONFESS." "( buzzer )" "( "God Save the Queen"playing )" "I CONFESS." "( buzzer )" "I CONFESS." "I CONFESS." "I CONFESS." "I CONFESS." "WELL, MADAM, I'M GLAD YOU'VE COME TO SEE ME." "AS A DOCTOR, I SHALL BE TRYING TO HELP YOU" "AND DO EVERYTHING I CAN" "TO ASSIST YOU IN ANY WAY I CAN." "OF COURSE, ANY... ( laughter )" "VERY HIGH STATE... ( laughter )" "COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?" "I'M A BIT DEAF." "NOW, THE B.M.A." "THE BRITISH MEDICAL ASSOCIATION..." "LOUDER, PLEASE, I STILL CAN'T HEAR!" "I CONFESS!" "SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" "( all talking at once )" "Man ( with American accent ):" "NOW, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME ON THE SILVER SCREEN" "COMES THE FILM FROM TWO BOOKS THAT ONCE SHOCKED A GENERATION." "FROM EMILY BRONTE'S WUTHERING HEIGHTS" "AND FROM THE INTERNA TIONAL GUIDE TO SEMAPHORE CODE 20th CENTURY VOLE PRESENTS" "THE SEMAPHORE VERSION OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS." "( laughter )" "( dramatic musicplaying )" "( laughter )" "( laughter )" "Man ( with American accent ):" "FROM THE PULSATING PAGES OF HISTORY" "FROM THE DARK AND FURIOUS DAYS OF IMPERIAL ROME" "WE BRING YOU A STORY THAT SHATTERED THE WORLD" "A TALE SO GRIPPING THAT THEY SAID IT COULD NOT BE FILMED" "A UNIQUE EVENT IN CINEMA HISTORY:" "JULIUS CAESAR ON AN ALDIS LAMP." "( laughter )" "( laughter )" "( laughter )" "FROM THE MAKERS OF GUNFIGHT AT O.K. CORRAL IN MORSE CODE... ( laughter )" "AND THE SMOKE-SIGNAL VERSION OF GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES." "( laughter )" "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY" "HAVE YOU REACHED A VERDICT?" "WE HAVE, MY LORD." "AND HOW DO YOU FIND THE DEFENDANT?" "( laughter )" "TWO WORDS?" "FIRST WORD." "( laughter )" "ROPE, STRING..." "POINT." "BELT." "TIE." "CRAVAT." "SILK SQUARE." "KNOT." "( courtroom applauds )" "SECOND WORD." "TWO SYLLABLES." "FIRST SYLLABLE." "( laughter )" "BIRD?" "SWIMMER." "BREASTSTROKE." "BRIAN PHELPS." "NO, NO, NO, HE WAS A DIVER!" "ESTHER WILLIAMS, THEN." "NO, NO, DON'T BE SILLY!" "HOW CAN YOU FIND SOMEONE "NOT ESTHER WILLIAMS"?" "FISH!" "FISH... ( gasping ) WHEEZE..." "FISH WHEEZE..." "FISH BREATHE." "FISH BREATHE THROAT." "FISH BREATHE THROAT..." "GILL!" "( applause )" "KNOT GILL..." "SECOND SYLLABLE." "KNOT GILL..." "DRINK." "SIP..." "IMBIBE." "KNOT GILL..." "CUP!" "KNOT GILLCUP!" "( laughter )" "YOU'VE BEEN FOUND KNOT GILLCUP" "OF THE CHARGES BROUGHT AGAINST YOU" "AND YOU MAY LEAVE THIS COURT A FREE MAN." "RIGHT, MY TURN." "FOUR WORDS." "FIRST WORD, SHOUT!" "BELLOW!" "CALL." "( applause )" "SECOND WORD..." "IS VERY SMALL." "UM, "A."" "AN?" "UP." "THE." "( applause )" "CALL THE." "THIRD WORD." "GILL?" "FISH!" "ADAM'S APPLE!" "NECK!" "SOUNDS LIKE NECK!" "NEXT!" "CALL THE NEXT!" "( applause )" "FOURTH WORD, THREE SYLLABLES." "FIRST SYLLABLE." "EAR." "HEAR, CAN'T HEAR." "DEAF." "DEAF!" "CALL THE NEXT DEAF." "BOTTOM?" "SEAT." "TROUSER." "CHEEK." "END!" "CALL THE NEXT DEAF-END." "CALL THE NEXT DEFENDANT!" "CALL THE NEXT DEFENDANT" "THE HONORABLE MR. JUSTICE KILBRAKEN." "IF I MAY CHARGE YOU, MY LORD" "YOU ARE CHARGED, MY LORD" "THAT ON THE 14th DAY OF JUNE, 1970" "AT THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT" "YOU DID COMMIT ACTS" "LIKELY TO CAUSE A BREACH OF THE PEACE." "HOW PLEAD YOU, MY LORD, GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?" "NOT GUILTY." "CASE NOT PROVEN, COURT ADJOURNED." "( laughter )" "Judge:" "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" "NO, NO, NO!" "NO, YOU'RE IN THE DOCK, MY LORD." "I AM A JUDGE, MY LORD." "SO AM I, MY LORD, SO WATCH IT." "CALL THIS A COURT!" "CALL THIS A COURT!" "CALL THIS A COURT!" "CALL THIS A COURT!" "SHUT UP!" "RIGHT, NOW GET ON WITH THE SPIEL." "MY LORD, AND MY OTHER LORD" "THE PROSECUTION WILL ENDEAVOR TO SHOW, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD" "NOT YOU, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD, MY LORD" "WHILE PASSING SENTENCE AT THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT" "BLOTTED HIS COPY BOOK." "CALL EXHIBIT "Q."" ""Q"?" "SORRY, DID I SAY "Q"?" "I MEANT "A."" "CALL EXHIBIT "A."" "CALL EXHIBIT "A"!" "EXHIBIT "A," MY LORD, MISS RITA THANG" "AN ARTIST'S MODEL, SWEDISH ACCORDION TEACHER" "AND CANE CHAIR SALESLADY" "WAS FOUND GUILTY UNDER THE RUDE BEHAVIOR ACT" "IN THE ACCUSED'S COURT." "THE ACCUSED, MY LORD, SENTENCED HER" ""TO BE TAKEN FROM THIS PLACE" "AND BROUGHT ROUND TO HIS PLACE."" "( laughter )" "OBJECTION, MY LORD!" "OBJECTION SUSTAINED." "YOU SHUT UP!" "OBJECTION OVERRULED." "THE ACCUSED THEN COMMENTED" "ON MISS THANG'S BODILY STRUCTURE" "MADE SEVERAL NOT-AT-ALL LEGAL REMARKS" "ON THE SUBJECT OF FUN" "AND THEN PLACED HIS ROBES OVER HIS HEAD" "AND BEGAN TO EMIT LOW MOANS." "HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY IN YOUR DEFENSE?" "WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD ANY FOR WEEKS." "OH, NO?" "WHAT ABOUT THAT LITTLE NUMBER" "YOU'VE GOT TUCKED AWAY IN BELSIZE PARK?" "OH, I NEVER!" "OH, NO!" "ALL RIGHT, THEN, WHAT ABOUT 8-A WOODFORD SQUARE?" "YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT AND I'LL DO YOU FOR TREASON." "UH, MY LORD, IF WE COULD CONTINUE." "HE'S GOT A CHINESE BIT THERE." "NO, THAT'S CONTEMPT OF COURT!" "OH, IT'S ONLY A JOKE!" "CONTEMPT OF COURT!" "HOWEVER, I'M NOT GOING TO PUNISH YOU" "BECAUSE WE'RE SO SHORT OF JUDGES AT THE MOMENT" "WHAT WITH ALL OF THEM EMIGRATING TO SOUTH AFRICA." "I'M GOING TOMORROW, I'VE GOT MY TICKET." "GET OUT THERE AND GET SOME DECENT SENTENCING DONE." "OH, ENGLAND MAKES YOU SICK." "BEST I CAN MANAGE HERE IS LIFE IMPRISONMENT." "HARDLY WORTH COMING IN IN THE MORNING." "NOW, SOUTH AFRICA" "YOU'VE GOT YOUR CAT-O-NINE TAILS" "YOU'VE GOT FOUR DEATH SENTENCES A WEEK" "YOU'VE GOT CHEAP DRINKS, SLAVE LABOR" "AND A BOOMING STOCK MARKET." "I'M OFF, I TELL YOU." "YES, I'M UP TO HERE WITH PROBATION" "AND BLEEDING PSYCHIATRIC REPORTS." "THAT'S IT, I'M OFF." "THAT'S IT." "RIGHT, WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE ONE FINAL FLING BEFORE I LEAVE" "SO I SENTENCE YOU TO BE BURNT AT THE STAKE." "BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION." "( laughter )" "( dramatic musicplays )" "TWO" " UH, THREE TO THE OLD BAILEY, PLEASE." "LOOK, THEY'VE STARTED THE CREDITS!" "HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!" "COME ON, HURRY!" "COME ON, HURRY!" "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]" "THERE'S THE LIGHTING CREDIT!" "ONLY FIVE LEFT!" "HELL, IT'S THE PRODUCER, QUICK!" "NOBODY EXPECTS THE..." "OH, BUGGER!" "( laughter and applause )" "( breathes heavily )" "( dramatically ):" "MY, ISN'T IT HOT IN HERE!" "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." "( loud explosion )" "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING MORE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with rude noise )" "( explosion )" ""OH, MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS ARE SO SWOL..." "SWOLLEN."" ""OH, MR. BELPIT?"" ""OH, MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS ARE SO SWOLLEN."" "( with midwestern accent ):" ""OH, MR. BELPIT..."" "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME." "I SAW YOUR ADVERTISEMENT" "FOR FLYING LESSONS" "AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN APPLICATION." "NOTHING TO DO WITH ME." "I'M NOT IN THIS SHOW." "OH, I SEE." "( with slurring drawl ):" ""OH, MR. BELPIT..."" "DO YOU..." "DO YOU..." "DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM" "THE FLYING LESSONS?" "NO, NOTHING TO DO WITH ME." "I'M NOT IN THIS SHOW." "THIS IS SHOW FIVE." "I'M NOT IN UNTIL SHOW EIGHT." "OH, I SEE." "I'M JUST LEARNING MY LINES, YOU KNOW." "( in squeaking voice ):" ""OH, MR...." "OH, MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS..."" "A BIT AWKWARD, EH?" "YES." "I'M A BIT STUCK." "WELL, TRY OVER THERE." ""OH, MR. BELPIT..." OH, YES, THANKS." "NOT AT ALL." "THANKS A LOT." ""OH, MR. BELPIT, THEY'RE SO SWOL..." "SWOLLEN."" ""OH!" "M..." "MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS..."" "EXCUSE ME, I SAW YOUR ADVERTISEMENT" "FOR FLYING LESSONS" "AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN APPLICATION." "APPOINTMENT?" "YES, YES." "CERTAINLY." "WOULD YOU COME THIS WAY, PLEASE?" "( audience laughs )" "MORNING, MR. JONES, MR. BARNES." "Both:" "MORNING." "MORNING, MRS. WILLS." "MORNING, LOVE." "TAKE THIS TO MARKETING, WOULD YOU?" "( laughter )" "( mechanical buzzing )" "( footsteps echo )" "( heavy metal door opens )" "Secretary:" "JUST FOLLOW ME." "( laughter )" "Secretary:" "OH, BE CAREFUL." "Secretary:" "OH, BE CAREFUL." "( footsteps approach )" "( metal gate opens )" "Secretary:" "WE'LL BE THERE SOON." "Secretary:" "WE'LL BE THERE SOON." "Secretary:" "OH, GET HOLD OF THAT." "WATCH IT." "Man 2:" "MORNING." "Secretary:" "MORNING." "( footsteps climb stairs )" "Secretary:" "UP THE STAIRS." "Secretary:" "UP THE STAIRS." "Secretary:" "BE CAREFUL, VERY STEEP." "( laughter )" "Secretary:" "ALMOST THERE." "Man 3:" "MORNING." "Secretary:" "MORNING." "( laughter )" "WILL YOU COME THIS WAY, PLEASE?" "IN HERE, PLEASE." "THANK YOU." "HELLO, I SAW YOUR ADVERTISEMENT" "FOR FLYING LESSONS" "AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT." "WELL, MR. ANEMONE'S ON THE PHONE AT THE MOMENT" "BUT I'M SURE HE WON'T MIND IF YOU GO ON IN." "THROUGH HERE." "Mr. Anemone:" "AH, WON'T BE A MOMENT." "MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME." "( laughter )" "NO, NO, WELL, LOOK, YOU CAN ASK MR. MAUDLING" "BUT I'M SURE HE'LL NEVER AGREE." "NOT FOR 50 SHILLINGS, NO." "NO." "BYE-BYE, GORDON." "BYE-BYE." "OH, DEAR." "BYE-BYE." "( laughter )" "MISSED." "NOW, MR. UH..." "CHIGGER." "MR. CHIGGER, SO YOU WANT TO LEARN TO FLY." "YES." "RIGHT, WELL, UP ON THE TABLE" "ARMS OUT, FINGERS TOGETHER, KNEES BENT!" "NO, NO, NO." "( shouting ):" "UP ON THE TABLE!" "ARMS OUT, FINGERS TOGETHER, KNEES BENT." "NOW, HEAD WELL FORWARD." "NOW, FLAP YOUR ARMS." "GO ON, FLAP FASTER." "FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER." "NOW JUMP!" "ROTTEN, ROTTEN." "YOU'RE NO BLOODY USE AT ALL." "YOU'RE AN UTTER BLOODY WASH-OUT." "YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU WEED!" "NOW, LOOK HERE!" "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "I'LL GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE." "GET ON THE TABLE." "LOOK, I CAME HERE TO LEARN" "HOW TO FLY AN AEROPLANE." "A WHAT?" "I CAME HERE TO LEARN" "HOW TO FLY AN AEROPLANE." "( sarcastically ):" "OH, AN AEROPLANE." "OH, I SAY, WE ARE GRAND, AREN'T WE?" "( with highbrow accent ):" "OH, OH, NO MORE BUTTERED SCONES FOR ME, MATER." "I'M OFF TO PLAY THE GRAND PIANO." "PARDON ME WHILE I FLY MY AEROPLANE." "NOW, GET ON THE TABLE!" "LOOK, NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD" "HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO FLY LIKE THAT." "OH, I SUPPOSE MATER TOLD YOU THAT" "WHILE YOU WERE OUT RIDING." "WELL, IF PEOPLE CAN'T FLY" "WHAT AM I DOING UP HERE?" "YOU'RE ON A WIRE." "OH, A WIRE?" "I'M ON A WIRE, AM I?" "OF COURSE YOU'RE ON A BLOODY WIRE." "( childishly ):" "I AM NOT ON A WIRE;" "I AM FLYING." "YOU'RE ON A WIRE." "I AM FLYING!" "YOU'RE ON A WIRE!" "I'LL SHOW YOU WHETHER I'M ON A WIRE OR NOT." "GIVE ME THE "OOP."" "WHAT?" "OH, I DON'T SUPPOSE" "WE KNOW WHAT AN OOP IS." "I SUPPOSE PATER THOUGHT THEY WERE A BIT COMMON" "EXCEPT ON THE BLEEDING CROQUET LAWN." "OH, A "HOOP."" "( mocking ):" ""OH!" "AN HOOP."" "THANK YOU, YOUR BLEEDING HIGHNESS." "NOW..." "LOOK." "GO ON!" "RIGHT THE WAY ALONG." "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "THERE, NOW, WHERE'S THE BLEEDING WIRE?" "THAT HOOP'S GOT A HOLE IN." "OH, ETON AND MAGDALENE, THE HOOP HAS AN HOLE IN." "OF COURSE IT'S GOT A HOLE IN!" "IT WOULDN'T BE A HOOP OTHERWISE, WOULD IT, MUSH?" "NO, THERE'S A GAP IN THE MIDDLE, THERE." "( mocking ):" "OH, A GAP, A GAP IN ONE'S HOOP." "PARDON ME, BUT I'M OFF TO PLAY THE GRAND PIANO." "LOOK, I CAN SEE YOU'RE ON A WIRE." "LOOK, THERE IT IS." "LOOK, I TOLD YOU, YOU BASTARD" "I'M NOT ON A WIRE." "YOU ARE." "THERE IS." "THERE ISN'T." "IS." "ISN'T!" "IS!" "ISN'T!" "IS!" "ISN'T!" "IS!" "ISN'T!" "IS!" "ISN'T!" "IS!" "ISN'T!" "IS!" "WENT ON FOR SOME TIME UNTIL..." "GOSH, I AM GLAD" "I'M A FULLY QUALIFIED AIRLINE PILOT." "THE BRITISH AIRLINE PILOTS ASSOCIATION" "WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT IT TAKES A CHAP SIX YEARS" "TO BECOME A FULLY QUALIFIED AIRLINE PILOT, AND NOT TWO." "THANK YOU." "I DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM" "A BIT OF AN OLD FUSSPOT JUST NOW, YOU KNOW" "BUT IT'S JUST AS EASY TO GET THESE THINGS RIGHT" "AS THEY ARE EASILY FOUND IN THE BALPA HANDBOOK." "OH, ONE OTHER THING-- IN THE SHERLOCK HOLMES LAST WEEK" "TOMMY COOPER TOLD A JOKE ABOUT A CHARTER FLIGHT" "OMITTING TO POINT OUT THAT ONE MUST BE A MEMBER" "OF ANY ORGANIZATION THAT CHARTERS A PLANE" "FOR AT LEAST SIX MONTHS BEFOREHAND" "BEFORE BEING ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT." "DID RATHER SPOIL THE JOKE FOR ME, I'M AFRAID." "( phone rings )" "YES, AH, YES, YES." "MY WIFE HAS JUST REMINDED ME THAT ON A RECENT HIGH CHAPARRAL" "KATHY KIRBY WAS SINGING GLIBLY ABOUT "FLY ME TO THE STARS"" "WHEN, OF COURSE, THERE ARE NO SCHEDULED FLIGHTS OF THIS KIND" "OR EVEN CHARTERED, AVAILABLE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC" "AT THE PRESENT MOMENT." "ALTHOUGH, OF COURSE, WHEN THEY ARE" "BALPA WILL BE IN THE VANGUARD..." "OR THE TRIDENT." "LITTLE JOKE FOR THE CHAPS UP AT BALPA HOUSE." "UH, ONE OTHER SMALL POINT." "WHY IS IT THAT THESE NEW LUREX DANCING TIGHTS" "GO BAGGY AT THE KNEES AFTER ONLY A COUPLE OF EVENINGS' FUN?" "BRING BACK THE OLD CANVAS ONES, I SAY." "IT IS INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT" "THAT IN THESE DAYS WHEN MAN CAN WALK ON THE MOON" "AND WORK OUT THE MOST COMPLICATED" "HIRE PURCHASE AGREEMENTS" "I STILL GET THESE TERRIBLE HEADACHES." "ALL RIGHT, I SEEM TO HAVE WANDERED A BIT" "BUT STILL, NO HARM DONE." "JOLLY GOOD LUCK." "( impatient knocking at door )" "( impatient knocking at door )" "( banging on door )" "( banging on door )" "( heavier bang on the door )" "THE DOOR'S JAMMED, IF YOU ASK ME." "( pounds door )" "AH!" "THAT'S BETTER." "OH, MY GOD." "AH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY." "I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BALLY TOILET." "( chuckles )" "THIS IS THE CONTROL CABIN." "OH, I KNOW THAT." "I'M A FLYING MAN, YOU KNOW, YES." "BALLY STUPID MISTAKE." "CLOUD'S HEAVY." "WHAT'S THE READING?" "UH, 4.8" " STEADY." "IF THEY HAD ALL THESE DIALS IN THE TOILET" "THERE WOULDN'T BE ROOM" "FOR ANYTHING ELSE, WOULD THERE?" "( chuckles )" "HELLO, GENEVA, THIS IS ROGER FIVE-O." "WHAT IS YOUR CLOUD READING?" "HELLO, GENEVA." "I WOULDN'T FANCY FLYING ONE OF THESE" "SITTING ON THE TOILET." "I MEAN, IT'D TAKE THE GLAMOUR" "OUT OF BEING A PILOT, WOULDN'T IT?" "FLYING AROUND THE WORLD SITTING ON A TOILET." "Woman:" "Geneva here." "4.9-- heavy." "Over." "SERIOUS?" "NO, NOT IF IT KEEPS AT THAT LEVEL, NO." "MIND, MIND YOU" "IF YOU DID FLY IT FROM THE TOILET" "IT'D LEAVE A LOT MORE SPACE UP HERE" "WOULDN'T IT?" "WELL, I'D BETTER GET BACK TO THE CABIN, THEN." "UH, SORRY ABOUT THE SILLY INTRUSION." "BALLY STUPID." "( chuckles )" "THE DOOR'S JAMMED." "( chuckles )" "( screaming )" "( audience laughs )" "BALLY PIECE OF LUCK." "OH, HELLO." "EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT AT THE BACK?" "YES, THEY'RE QUIET AS DORMICE." "DORMICE?" "ALL RIGHT, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE." "UH..." "EXCEPT TO CONTROL THE AIRPLANE" "YOU CAN MOVE A LITTLE TO DO THAT." "CAN I MOVE?" "UH, YES, YES, YES." "YOU CAN MOVE A LITTLE BIT, YES." "SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE" "QUITE SO DOGMATIC WHEN I CAME IN." "OBVIOUSLY, YOU CAN ALL MOVE A LITTLE, WITHIN REASON." "THERE ARE CERTAIN INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR MOVEMENTS" "THAT NO AMOUNT OF SELF-CONTROL CAN PREVENT." "AND OBVIOUSLY, ANY ASSERTION OF AUTHORITY ON MY PART" "I'VE GOT TO TAKE THAT INTO ACCOUNT." "RIGHT, I MEAN, ONE COULDN'T, FOR EXAMPLE" "STOP ONE'S INSIDES FROM MOVING." "NO, NO" " GOOD POINT, GOOD POINT." "AND THE VERY FACT THAT THE PLANE" "IS CONTINUOUSLY VIBRATING" "MEANS WE'RE ALL MOVING TO A CERTAIN EXTENT." "AND WE'RE ALL MOVING OUR LIPS" "AREN'T WE?" "YES, YES." "YES, YES" "ABSOLUTELY." "NO, THE GIST OF MY MEANING WAS" "THAT SUDDEN, UH..." "EXAGGERATED MOVEMENTS!" "EXAGGERATED, VIOLENT MOVEMENTS ARE..." "ARE OUT." "WELL, THAT'S THE GREAT THING" "ABOUT THESE MODERN AIRLINERS." "I MEAN, I CAN KEEP THIS PLANE FLYING" "WITH ONLY THE SMALLEST MOVEMENT" "AND PANCHO HERE DOESN'T HAVE TO MOVE AT ALL." "OH, THAT'S MARVELOUS." "OOH, AND I DON'T REALLY NEED TO MOVE EITHER" "UNLESS I GET AN ITCH OR SOMETHING." "( all laugh )" "WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL." "60% SUCCESS, EH?" "( all laugh again ) 60%, YEAH." "OH, DEAR." "ANYWAY, BEARING ALL THAT IN MIND" "WILL YOU FLY THIS PLANE TO LUTON, PLEASE?" "WELL, THIS IS" "A SCHEDULED FLIGHT TO CUBA." "I KNOW, I KNOW." "THAT'S RATHER WHY I CAME IN HERE" "WITH THAT POINT ABOUT NOBODY MOVING." "OH, I SEE." "WITHIN REASON." "WITHIN REASON." "WITHIN REASON, RIGHT." "YES, UM, YOU KNOW... ( forcefully ):" "I WANT YOU" "TO FLY THIS PLANE TO LUTON!" "( politely ):" "PLEASE." "RIGHT, WELL, I'D BETTER TURN" "THE PLANE ROUND THEN." "UH, STAND BY-- EMERGENCY SYSTEMS." "LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANY TROUBLE." "NO, NO, WE'LL MANAGE, WE'LL MANAGE." "I MEAN, NEAR LUTON WILL DO, YOU KNOW." "HARPENDEN, DO YOU GO NEAR HARPENDEN?" "IT'S ON THE FLIGHT PATH." "OKAY, WELL, DROP ME OFF THERE." "I'LL GET A BUS TO LUTON." "IT'S ONLY 25 MINUTES." "YOU CAN BE IN LUTON BY LUNCHTIME." "WELL, THAT'S SMASHING." "THERE'S NO AIRPORT AT HARPENDEN." "OH, WELL, LOOK, FORGET IT, FORGET IT." "I'LL COME TO CUBA" "AND GET A FLIGHT BACK TO LUTON FROM THERE." "WELL, WE COULD LEND YOU A PARACHUTE." "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT." "I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT" "DIRTYING A NICE, CLEAN PARACHUTE." "I KNOW, I KNOW." "THERE'S A BALE OF HAY" "OUTSIDE BASINGSTOKE." "WE COULD THROW YOU OUT." "WELL, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT." "SURE, YEAH." "YEAH!" "NOT ANY TROUBLE?" "NO, NONE AT ALL." "THAT'S MARVELOUS." "THANK YOU VERY MUCH." "SORRY TO COME BARGING IN." "BYE-BYE." "THANK YOU." "THANK YOU." "Gunman:" "THANK..." "YOU...!" "( engine rumbling )" "TAKE THIS BUS TO CUBA." "( bagpipes playing )" "Narrator:" "FROM THESE GLENS AND SCARS" "THE SOUND OF THE COOT AND THE MOORHEN IS SELDOM ABSENT." "NATURE SITS IN STERN MASTERY OVER THESE ROCKS AND CRAGS." "THE RUSH OF THE MOUNTAIN STREAM, THE BLEAT OF THE SHEEP" "AND THE BROAD, CLEAR HIGHLAND SKIES REFLECTED IN TARN AND LOCH" "FORM THE BREATHTAKING BACKDROP" "AGAINST WHICH EWAN McTEAGLE WRITES SUCH POEMS" "AS "LEND US A QUID TILL THE END OF THE WEEK."" "BUT IT WAS WITH MORE SIMPLE, HOMESPUN VERSES" "THAT McTEAGLE'S UNIQUE STYLE FIRST FLOWERED." "McTeagLe:" ""IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR WAY TO LENDING ME SIXPENCE" ""I COULD AT LEAST BUY A NEWSPAPER." "THAT'S NOT MUCH TO ASK ANYONE."" "Narrator:" "ONE WOMAN WHO REMEMBERS McTEAGLE AS A YOUNG FRIEND" "LASSIE O'SHEA." "OH..." "MR. McTEAGLE WROTE ME TWO POEMS" "BETWEEN THE MONTHS OF JANUARY AND APRIL, 1969." "BETWEEN THE MONTHS OF JANUARY AND APRIL, 1969." "OCH, I DINNA LIKE TO, THOUGH." "THEY WERE KIND OF PERSONAL..." "BUT I WILL." ""TO MY OWN BELOVED LASSIE." ""A POEM ON HER 17th BIRTHDAY." ""LEND US A COUPLE OF BOB TILL THURSDAY." ""I'M ABSOLUTELY SKINT." ""BUT I'M EXPECTING A POSTAL ORDER" ""AND I CAN PAY YOU BACK AS SOON AS IT COMES." "LOVE, EWAN."" "BEAUTIFUL." "( man grunting )" "( Lassie screaming )" "SINCE THEN, McTEAGLE HAS DEVELOPED AND WIDENED" "HIS LITERARY SCOPE." "THREE YEARS AGO HE CONCERNED HIMSELF WITH QUITE SMALL SUMS" "QUICK BITS OF READY CASH-- SIXPENCES, SHILLINGS." "BUT MORE RECENTLY" "HE HAS TURNED HIS EXTRAORDINARY LITERARY PERCEPTION" "TO MUCH LARGER SUMS-- 15 SHILLINGS, Pound4.12.6d..." "EVEN NINE GUINEAS." "BUT THERE IS STILL NOTHING TO MATCH THE HUGE SWEEP" "THE MAJESTIC POWER OF WHAT IS SURELY HIS GREATEST WORK:" ""CAN I HAVE Pound50 TO MEND THE SHED?"" "CAN I HAVE Pound50 TO MEND THE SHED?" "I'M RIGHT ON MY UPPERS." "I CAN PAY YOU BACK" "WHEN THIS POSTAL ORDER COMES FROM AUSTRALIA." "HONESTLY." "HOPE THE BLADDER TROUBLE'S GETTING BETTER." "LOVE..." "EWAN." "Narrator:" "THERE SEEMS TO BE NO END TO McTEAGLE'S POETIC INVENTION." ""MY NEW CHECKBOOK HASN'T ARRIVED" WAS FOLLOWED UP" "BY THE BRILLIANTLY ALLEGORICAL" ""WHAT'S 20 QUID TO THE BLOODY MIDLAND BANK?"" "AND MORE RECENTLY HIS PRIZEWINNING POEM" "TO THE ARTS COUNCIL:" ""CAN YOU LEND ME 1,000 QUID?"" "I THINK WHAT McTEAGLE'S POTTERY..." "POETRY IS DOING" "IS REJECTING ALL THE TRADITIONAL CLICHES OF MODERN POTTERY." "NO LONGER DO WE HAVE TO BE CONTENT" "WITH KEATS'S "SEASONS OF MISTS AND MELLOW FRUITFULNESS"" "WORDSWORTH'S "I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD"" "AND MILTON'S "CAN YOU LEND US TWO BOB TILL TUESDAY?"" "McTeagLe:" ""OH, GIE TO ME A SHILLIN' FOR SOME FAGS" ""AND I'LL PAY YER BACK ON THURSDAY" ""BUT IF YOU CAN WAIT TILL SATURDAY" "I'M EXPECTING A DIVVY FROM THE HARPENDEN BUILDING SOCIETY."" "OH, SOD 'EM." "( cursing ) ...WORKING MY FINGERS TO THE BONE... ( continues mumbling curses )" "AS A HIGHLANDER, I WOULD LIKE TO COMPLAIN" "ABOUT SOME INACCURACIES IN THE PRECEDING FILM" "ABOUT THE POET EWAN McTEAGLE." "ALTHOUGH HIS NAME WAS QUITE CLEARLY GIVEN AS McTEAGLE" "HE WAS THROUGHOUT WEARING THE CAMERON TARTAN." "ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT THE BALPA SPOKESMAN" "WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT AERONAUTICAL INACCURACIES" "WAS HIMSELF WEARING A CAPTAIN'S HAT" "WHEREAS HE ONLY HAD LIEUTENANT'S STRIPES" "ON THE SLEEVES OF HIS JACKET." "ALSO, IN THE INVERNESS PANTOMIME LAST CHRISTMAS" "THE PART OF PUSS IN BOOTS WAS PLAYED BY A NATIVE OF NEW GUINEA" "WITH A PLATE IN HER LIP..." "SO THAT EVERY TIME" "DICK WHITTINGTON GAVE HER A FRENCH KISS" "HE GOT THE BACK OF HIS THROAT SCRAPED." "( laughter )" "LOOK, WOULD YOU MIND GOING AWAY?" "I'M TRYING TO EXAMINE THIS MAN." "IT'S, UH..." "IT'S ALL RIGHT." "I..." "I AM A DOCTOR." "ACTUALLY, I'M A GYNECOLOGIST, BUT THIS IS MY LUNCH HOUR." "( nipping loudly )" "I HAVE A NASTY FEELING I AM SOMEBODY'S LUNCH HOUR." "( gulps )" "( babbling )" "ACTUALLY, I FIND VIOLENCE EXTREMELY DISTASTEFUL..." "ONLY IT WAS THE ONLY PART OFFERED, AND I NEED THE WORK." "( birds squawking )" "( western film musicplaying )" "( women laughing )" "( slurps )" "( audience laughs )" "( whistling outside )" "( doorbell chimes )" "( whistling continues )" "PAT-A-CAKE, PAT-A-CAKE, BAKER'S MAN." "GOOD MORNING, MADAM, I'M A PSYCHIATRIST." "YOU LOOK LIKE A MILKMAN TO ME." "GOOD." "I AM IN FACT DRESSED AS A MILKMAN." "YOU SPOTTED THAT-- WELL DONE." "GO AWAY." "I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THREE NUMBERS" "AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME" "IF YOU SEE ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THEM." "THEY'RE ALL NUMBER THREE." "NO." "TRY AGAIN." "THEY'RE ALL NUMBER THREE?" "NO." "THEY'RE ALL NUMBER THREE." "RIGHT, NOW, I'M GOING TO SAY A WORD" "AND I WANT YOU TO SAY" "THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD." "HOW MANY PINTS DO YOU WANT?" "UH..." "THREE?" "YOGURT?" "NO." "CREAM?" "NO." "EGGS?" "NO." "YOU'RE QUITE CLEARLY SUFFERING" "FROM A REPRESSIVE LIBIDO COMPLEX" "PROBABLY THE RESULT OF A PRODUCT" "OF AN UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD" "COUPLED WITH ACUTE INSECURITY IN ADOLESCENCE" "WHICH HAS RESULTED" "IN AN ATTENUATION OF THE LIBIDO COMPLEX." "YOU ARE A BLOODY MILKMAN!" "DON'T YOU SHOUT AT ME, MADAM." "DON'T COME THAT TONE." "NOW THEN, I MUST ASK YOU" "TO ACCOMPANY ME DOWN TO THE DAIRY" "AND DO SOME APTITUDE TESTS." "I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN COME DOWN TO THE DAIRY." "MRS. RATBAG, IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING SO" "YOU ARE BADLY IN NEED" "OF AN EXPENSIVE COURSE OF PSYCHIATRIC TREATMENT." "NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO SAY" "A TRIP TO OUR DAIRY WILL CURE YOU" "BUT IT WILL GIVE HUNDREDS OF LOWER-PAID WORKERS" "A GOOD LAUGH." "ALL RIGHT, BUT HOW AM I GOING TO GET HOME?" "I'LL RUN YOU THERE AND BACK" "ON MY PSYCHIATRIST'S FLOAT." "ALL RIGHT." "( cat meowing )" "WHAT ARE ALL THOSE?" "THEY'RE CASE HISTORIES." "( over loudspeaker ):" "PSYCHIATRISTS!" "PSYCHIATRISTS!" "PSYCHIATRISTS!" "YES, SIR?" "GOOD MORNING." "AFRAID OUR REGULAR PSYCHIATRIST" "HASN'T COME ROUND THIS MORNING" "AND I'VE GOT AN EGO BLOCK" "WHICH IS IN TURN MAKING MY WIFE OVER-ASSERTIVE" "AND GETTING US BOTH INTO A STATE OF DEPRESSIVE NEUROSIS." "I SEE, SIR, WHO'S YOUR REGULAR?" "JERSEY CREAM PSYCHIATRISTS." "OH, YES, I KNOW THEM." "RIGHT, WELL, UH..." "WHAT'S YOUR JOB, THEN?" "I'M A DOCTOR." "DIDN'T I SEE YOU JUST NOW UNDER A SCOTSMAN?" "YES, BUT I AM A DOCTOR." "ACTUALLY, I'M A GYNECOLOGIST BUT THAT WAS MY LUNCH HOUR." "WHAT DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF?" "TWO PINTS OF CREAM?" "RIGHT." "I SHOULD DEFINITELY SAY" "YOU'RE SUFFERING" "FROM SEVERE PERSONALITY DISORDER, SIR" "SUBLIMATING ITSELF IN A LACTIC OBSESSION" "WHICH COULD GET WORSE" "DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH MONEY YOU'VE GOT." "YES, YES, I SEE." "AND A POT OF YOGURT, PLEASE." "I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY" "OF COMPLAINING ABOUT THE WAY IN WHICH THESE SHOWS" "ARE CONTINUALLY PORTRAYING PSYCHIATRISTS" "WHO MAKE PAT DIAGNOSES OF PATIENTS' PROBLEMS" "WITHOUT FIRST OBTAINING THEIR FULL MEDICAL HISTORY." "MIND YOU, THAT'S JUST A PAT DIAGNOSIS" "MADE WITHOUT FIRST OBTAINING YOUR FULL MEDICAL HISTORY." "I FEEL THE TIME HAS COME TO COMPLAIN ABOUT PEOPLE" "WHO MAKE RASH COMPLAINTS" "WITHOUT FIRST MAKING SURE THAT THOSE COMPLAINTS ARE JUSTIFIED." "ARE YOU REFERRING TO ME?" "NOT NECESSARILY." "HOWEVER, I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT" "THAT THE BALPA SPOKESMAN WAS WEARING" "THE BRITISH PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION DINNER DANCE CLUB CUFF LINKS." "YES, I NOTICED THAT, TOO." "THESE ARE NOT BRITISH PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION DINNER DANCE CLUB CUFF LINKS." "SORRY." "THEY ARE, IN FACT" "BRITISH SUGAR CORPORATION" "GILBERT AND SULLIVAN SOCIETY CUFF LINKS." "IT IS IN FACT A SORT OF IN-JOKE WITH US LADS HERE AT BALPA." "I THINK THE LAST SPEAKER SHOULD HAVE CHECKED HIS FACTS" "BEFORE MAKING HIS OWN RASH COMPLAINT." "YEAH, THAT'LL TEACH HIM." "HOWEVER, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO ADD A COMPLAINT" "ABOUT SHOWS WHICH HAVE TOO MANY COMPLAINTS IN THEM" "AS THEY GET VERY TEDIOUS FOR THE AVERAGE VIEWER." "I'D LIKE TO COMPLAIN" "ABOUT PEOPLE WHO HOLD THINGS UP" "BY COMPLAINING ABOUT PEOPLE COMPLAINING." "IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMETHING WAS DONE ABOUT IT." "NURSE!" "WOULD YOU TAKE MRS. PIM" "TO SEE DR. CREAM, PLEASE?" "CERTAINLY, DOCTOR." "WALK THIS WAY, PLEASE." "OH, IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY, I..." "MRS. PIM TO SEE YOU, DR. CREAM." "I JUST WANT ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES WITH AUDREY." "COULD YOU SHOW MRS. PIM" "INTO THE WAITING ROOM, PLEASE?" "YES, DOCTOR." "RIGHT, AUDREY, WHEN DID YOU FIRST START THINKING" "YOU WERE A COW?" "( with Australian accent ):" ""JEEZ, MR. BELPIT" "YOUR LEGS IS ALL SWOLLEN."" "( typewriter clicking )" "Bishop ( with Scottish accent ):" ""OI!" "MR. BELPIT..." "YOUR GREAT LEGS IS ALL SWOLLEN!"" "( with Japanese accent ):" ""AH!" "MR. BELPIT" "YOUR LEGS ARE ALL SWOLLEN!"" "GOOD EVENING." "TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND" "WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU" "THAT STRANGE FEELING WE SOMETIMES GET" "THAT WE'VE LIVED THROUGH SOMETHING BEFORE" "THAT WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW HAS ALREADY HAPPENED." "TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND" "WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU" "THAT STRANGE FEELING WE SOMETIMES GET" "THAT WE'VE LIVED..." "ANYWAY, TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND" "WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU" "THAT STRANGE..." "GOOD EVENING." "TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND" "WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU" "THAT STRANGE FEELING WE SOMETIM MES GET..." "THAT..." "WE'VE LIVED THROUGH SOMETHING..." "GOOD..." "GOOD EVENING." "TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND" "WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF D-D-D-D-D-DEJA V-V-V-VU" "THAT EXTRAORDINARY FEELING..." "QUITE EXTRAORDINARY... ( phone rings )" "NO, FINE, THANKS, FINE." "OH, THANK YOU." "THAT STRANGE FEELING WE SOMETIMES GET" "THAT WE'VE LIVED THROUGH SOMETHING BEFORE." "( phone rings )" "NO, FINE, THANK YOU." "FINE." "THANK YOU." "THAT STRANGE FEELING... ( phone rings )" "NO." "FINE, THANK YOU." "FINE." "THANK YOU." "( screams )" "LOOK, SOMETHING'S HAPPENING TO ME." "I..." "UM..." "I THINK I'D BETTER GO AND SEE SOMEONE." "GOODNIGHT." "( phone rings )" "WAIT!" "HEY!" "OI, HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE BEFORE?" "NO, DOCTOR, NO." "SOMETHING VERY FUNNY'S HAPPENING TO ME." "( screams )" "HEY!" "OI, HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE BEFORE?" "NO, DOCTOR, NO." "SOMETHING VERY FUNNY'S HAPPENING TO ME." "( ice cream truckjingle playing )" ""OH, MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS ARE SO SWOLLEN."" "( loud, rumbling explosion )" "( rumbling stops )" "AH, COME IN." "NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?" "I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE FEELING OF DEJA VU." "AH, COME IN." "NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?" "I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE FEELING OF DEJA VU." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]" "AH, COME IN." "NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?" "I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE FEELING OF DEJA VU." "( humming )" "( door closes )" "( humming )" "( snoring )" "( clock ticking )" "( snoring and ticking continue )" "( alarm clock rings )" "( dramatic inspirational musicplays )" "( audience laughter )" "( propellers whirring )" "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with raspberry )" "( not in unison ):" "HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW." "WITHOUT MORE ADO" "THE FIRST ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT ARCHITECTS" "CALLED "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH."" "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!" "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!" "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!" "UP THERE!" "UP THERE!" "UP THERE!" "( shouting continues )" "GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS" "FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS... ( shouting continues outside )" "( laughter )" "GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS" "FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS... ( shouting continues )" "SHUT UP!" "( shouting stops )" "GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS... ( men shouting "Sorry" )" "( laughter )" "GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS" "FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS ARCHITECTURAL BLOCK" "THE RESIDENTIAL BLOCK." "AND I THOUGHT IT BEST THAT THE ARCHITECTS THEMSELVES" "CAME IN TO EXPLAIN THE ADVANTAGES OF BOTH DESIGNS." "( knock at door )" "THAT MUST BE THE FIRST ARCHITECT NOW." "AH, YES, IT'S MR. WIGGIN OF IRONSIDE AND MALONE." "GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN." "THIS IS A 12-STORY BLOCK" "COMBINING CLASSICAL NEO-GEORGIAN FEATURES" "WITH ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF MODERN DESIGN." "THE TENANTS ARRIVE IN THE ENTRANCE HALL HERE" "ARE CARRIED ALONG THE CORRIDOR ON A CONVEYOR BELT" "IN EXTREME COMFORT, AND PAST MURALS" "DEPICTING MEDITERRANEAN SCENES" "TOWARDS THE ROTATING KNIVES." "THE LAST 20 FEET OF THE CORRIDOR ARE HEAVILY SOUNDPROOFED." "THE BLOOD POURS DOWN THESE CHUTES" "AND THE MANGLED FLESH SLURPS INTO THESE..." "EXCUSE ME." "HMM?" "DID YOU SAY KNIVES?" "ROTATING KNIVES, YES." "ARE YOU PROPOSING TO SLAUGHTER OUR TENANTS?" "DOES THAT NOT FIT IN WITH YOUR PLANS?" "NO, WE WANTED A SIMPLE BLOCK OF FLATS." "AH!" "I SEE." "I HADN'T CORRECTLY DIVINED YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR TENANTS." "SEE, I MAINLY DESIGN SLAUGHTERHOUSES, YES, PITY." "MIND YOU, THIS IS A REAL BEAUT." "I MEAN, NONE OF YOUR BLOOD CAKED ON THE WALLS" "AND FLESH FLYING OUT OF THE WINDOWS" "INCONVENIENCING PASSERSBY WITH THIS ONE." "I MEAN, MY LIFE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP TO THIS." "YES, AND WELL DONE." "BUT WE DID WANT A BLOCK OF FLATS." "WELL, MAY I ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER?" "I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T REGRET IT." "THINK OF THE TOURIST TRADE." "NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE WANTED A BLOCK OF FLATS" "AND NOT AN ABATTOIR." "YES, WELL, OF COURSE, THAT'S JUST THE SORT" "OF BLINKERED PHILISTINE PIG IGNORANCE" "I'VE COME TO EXPECT FROM YOU NON-CREATIVE GARBAGE." "YOU SIT THERE ON YOUR LOATHSOME, SPOTTY BEHINDS" "SQUEEZING BLACKHEADS" "NOT CARING A TINKER'S CUSS ABOUT THE STRUGGLING ARTIST." "YOU EXCREMENT!" "YOU LOUSY, HYPOCRITICAL, WHINING TOADIES" "WITH YOUR LOUSY COLOR TV SETS AND YOUR TONY JACKLIN GOLF CLUBS" "AND YOUR BLEEDING MASONIC HANDSHAKES." "YOU WOULDN'T LET ME JOIN, WOULD YOU" "YOU BLACKBALLING BASTARDS!" "WELL, I WOULDN'T BECOME A FREEMASON NOW" "IF YOU WENT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY, STINKING, PURULENT KNEES" "AND BEGGED ME!" "WELL, WE'RE SORRY YOU FEEL LIKE THAT" "BUT WE DID WANT A BLOCK OF FLATS..." "NICE THOUGH THE ABATTOIR IS." "OH... ( blows raspberry ) THE ABATTOIR." "THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT." "BUT IF ONE OF YOU COULD PUT IN A WORD FOR ME" "I'D LOVE TO BE A FREEMASON." "FREEMASONRY OPENS DOORS." "I MEAN, I WAS..." "I WAS A BIT ON EDGE JUST NOW" "BUT IF I WAS A MASON" "I'D JUST SIT AT THE BACK AND NOT GET IN ANYONE'S WAY." "THANK YOU." "I'VE GOT A SECONDHAND APRON." "THANK YOU." "I NEARLY GOT IN AT HENDON." "THANK YOU." "I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, GENTLEMEN." "THE SECOND ARCHITECT IS" "A MR. LEAVEY OF WYMIS AND DIBBLE." "GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN." "THIS IS A SCALE MODEL OF THE BLOCK." "THERE ARE 28 STORIES WITH 280 MODERN APARTMENTS." "THERE ARE THREE MAIN LIFTS AND TWO SERVICE LIFTS." "ACCESS WOULD BE FROM DIBBINGLEY ROAD." "( laughter )" "THE STRUCTURE IS BUILT ON A CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM" "WITH CANTILEVERED FLOORS" "IN PRE-STRESSED STEEL AND CONCRETE." "THE DIVIDING WALLS ON EACH FLOOR SECTION ARE FIXED" "WITH RECESSED MAGNALLIUM FLANGED GR... ( laughter )" "BY AVOIDING WOOD AND TIMBER DERIVATIVES" "AND ALL OTHER INFLAMMABLES" "WE'VE ALMOST TOTALLY REMOVED THE RISK OF... ( laughter )" "QUITE FRANKLY, I THINK THE CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM" "MAY NEED STRENGTHENING A BIT." "ISN'T THAT GOING TO PUT THE COST UP?" "IT MIGHT." "WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'D WORRY" "ABOUT STRENGTHENING THAT MUCH." "AFTER ALL, THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE LUXURY FLATS." "NO, I QUITE AGREE." "I MEAN, PROVIDED THE TENANTS ARE OF LIGHT BUILD" "AND RELATIVELY SEDENTARY" "AND GIVEN A SPOT OF GOOD WEATHER" "I THINK WE'RE ONTO A WINNER HERE." "OH, THANK YOU." "( crack )" "QUITE AGREE, QUITE AGREE." "THANK YOU VERY MUCH." "THANK YOU." "IT OPENS DOORS, I'M TELLING YOU." "LET'S HA VEA LOOK AT THAT HANDSHAKEAGAIN" "IN SLOWMOTION." "( laughter )" "WHAT OTHER WA YSARE THERE OF RECOGNIZING A MASON?" "( laughter )" "HA VING ONCE IDENTIFIED A MASON, IMMEDIA TE STEPS MUST BE TAKEN" "TO ISOLATE HIM FROM THE GENERAL PUBLIC." "HA VING ACCOMPLISHED THA T" "IT IS NOW POSSIBLE TO CURE HIM" "OF THESE UNFORTUNA TE MASONIC TENDENCIES" "THROUGH THE USE OF BEHA VIORAL PSYCHOTHERAPY." "IN THIS TREA TMENT" "THE PA TIENT IS REWARDED FOR THE CORRECT RESPONSE" "AND PUNISHED FOR THE WRONG ONE." "LET US BEGIN." "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE UP BEING A MASON?" "THINK CAREFULLY." "THINK." "THINK." "NO." "NO?" "!" "THAT'S WRONG!" "WRONG!" "WRONG!" "WRONG!" "WRONG!" "NO!" "NO!" "BAD!" "BAD DOG!" "BAD!" "THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE" "FOR THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT." "( Gumbys moaning )" "( in unison ):" "OH!" "AND THE NEXT ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT INSURANCE" "CALLED "INSURANCE SKETCH."" "INSURANCE SKETCH!" "INSURANCE SKETCH!" "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL, FULLY COMPREHENSIVE" "MOTOR INSURANCE POLICY OFFER." "WHAT WAS THAT?" "FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE" "FOR ONE AND EIGHT PENCE." "OH!" "OH, YEAH." "YEAH." "WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, GUV" "THAT OFFER'S NO LONGER VALID." "YOU SEE, IT TURNED OUT" "NOT TO BE ECONOMICALLY VIABLE" "SO WE NOW HAVE A TOTALLY NEW OFFER." "WHAT'S THAT?" "A NUDE LADY." "NUDE LADY?" "YES, YOU GET A NUDE LADY" "WITH A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE." "IF YOU JUST WANT THIRD PARTY, SHE HAS TO KEEP HER BRA ON" "AND IF IT'S JUST THEFT..." "NO, NO, I DON'T REALLY WANT THAT, MISTER..." "MISTER..." "DEVIOUS." "MR. DEVIOUS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME" "TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE" "ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN." "ASTON MARTIN?" "YEAH." "500 QUID." "500 QUID?" "40 QUID." "40 QUID?" "40 QUID AND A NUDE LADY." "NO, NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN A NUDE LADY." "DIRTY BOOKS?" "NO, NO, NO, LOOK, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT." "I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME" "TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE" "ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN." "CAN YOU PLEASE QUOTE ME YOUR PRICE?" "KNOCK, KNOCK." "WHO'S THERE?" "THE REVEREND." "THE REVEREND WHO?" "THE REVEREND MORRISON." "OH, COME IN." "NOW, THEN, VIC, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?" "WELL, IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME." "EXCUSE ME." "DO I HAVE ANY MORE LINES?" "I DON'T KNOW, MUSH." "I'LL HAVE A LOOK IN THE SCRIPT." "WHERE ARE WE?" "SHOW EIGHT." "ARE YOU "MAN"?" "YEAH" " MAN." "NO..." "NO, YOU'VE FINISHED." "WELL, I'LL BE OFF, THEN." "RIGHT." "( laughter )" ""THE VICAR SITS."" "IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME" "REGARDING MY INSURANCE CLAIM." "OH, YEAH." "YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE" "IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE NOT AS YET" "TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH THE GROUNDS OF YOUR CLAIM." "BUT IT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT FILLING MY MOUTH IN WITH CEMENT." "OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST INSURANCE JARGON, YOU KNOW." "MY CAR WAS HIT BY A LORRY" "WHILE STANDING IN THE GARAGE" "AND YOU REFUSE TO PAY MY CLAIM." "OH, WELL, REVEREND MORRISON" "IN YOUR POLICY..." "IN YOUR POLICY..." "HERE WE ARE." "IT STATES QUITE CLEARLY" "THAT NO CLAIM YOU MAKE WILL BE PAID." "( laughter )" "OH, DEAR." "YOU SEE..." "YOU UNFORTUNATELY PLUMPED FOR OUR "NEVERPAY" POLICY" "WHICH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEVER CLAIM, IS VERY WORTHWHILE" "BUT YOU HAD TO CLAIM, AND, WELL, THERE IT IS." "OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR." "STILL, NEVER MIND, COULD BE WORSE." "HOW'S THE NUDE LADY?" "OH, SHE'S FINE." "( sobbing )" "LOOK, REV, I HATE TO SEE A MAN CRY" "SO SHOVE OFF, OUT THE OFFICE, THAT'S A GOOD CHAP." "( laughter )" "OKAY, DEVIOUS!" "DON'T MOVE." "THE BISHOP!" "( crime-series-type musicplays )" "( laughter )" "( choir singing )" "( engine roaring )" "( laughter )" "I TAKE AS MY TEXT FOR TODAY..." "THE TEXT, VIC!" "DON'T SAY THE TEXT!" "LEVITICUS 3-14." "( explosion )" "( congregation squeals )" "WE WAS TOO LATE." "THE REVEREND GRUNDY BIT THE CEILING." "( buzzing )" "HELLO?" "WHAT?" "WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER." "( bells tolling )" "( organ playing hymn )" "AND IT IS FOR THIS REASON" "THAT THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH LAYS UPON YOU, THE GODPARENTS... ( ticking )" "THE OBLIGATION OF SEEING THIS CHILD IS BROUGHT UP" "IN THE CHRISTIAN FAITH." "THEREFORE, I NAME THIS CHILD..." "DON'T SAY THE KID'S NAME, VIC!" "FRANCESCO LUIGI... ( explosion )" "WE WAS TOO LATE." "THE REVEREND NEUK SAW THE LIGHT." "THE RING, VIC-- DON'T TOUCH THE RING!" "( laughter )" "( bell tolling )" "( bell tolls, man chokes )" "HEY, VIC..." "( snaps ) ...DEARLY DEPARTED, DUST TO DUST, ASHES TO ASHES." "( creaking )" "( gulps )" "( cannon booms )" "( brakes screech )" "( "Peter Gunn Theme"plays )" "( laughter )" "Reverend Morrison:" "HELP, HELP!" "HELP, HELP!" "HELP, HELP!" "HELP, HELP!" "COME ON." "( laughter )" "OKAY, DEVIOUS, DON'T MOVE!" "THE BISHOP!" "( crime-series-type musicplays )" "( laughter )" "THIS IS WHERE WE CAME IN." "YEAH." "OH, IT'S NICE TO BE HOME." "( laughter )" "BUILDERS HAVEN'T BEEN, THEN." "NO." "THESE TWO OLD PEOPLE ARE TYPICAL" "OF THE HOUSING PROBLEM FACING BRITAIN'S AGED." "HERE!" "DON'T YOU START DOING" "A DOCUMENTARY ON US, YOUNG MAN." "OH, PLEASE." "NO, LEAVE US ALONE." "OH, JUST A LITTLE ONE" "ABOUT THE APPALLING CONDITIONS" "UNDER WHICH YOU LIVE?" "NO, GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!" "GO ON." "WHY DON'T YOU DO A DOCUMENTARY" "'BOUT THE DRUG PROBLEM ROUND IN WALTON STREET?" "( laughter )" "OH, I'LL GO AND HAVE A BATH." "( declaiming ):" "THE SPLENDOR FALLS ON CASTLE WALLS" "AND SNOWY SUMMITS OLD IN STORY..." "HERE!" "THERE'S ALFRED LORD TENNYSON" "IN THE BATHROOM!" "WELL, AT LEAST THE POET'S BEEN INSTALLED, THEN." "YES, A POET IS ESSENTIAL FOR COMPLETE HOME COMFORT" "AND ALL-YEAR-ROUND RELIABILITY AT LOW COST." "WE IN THE EAST MIDLANDS POET BOARD HOPE TO HAVE" "A POET IN EVERY HOME BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR." "POETS ARE BOTH CLEAN AND WARM" "AND MOST ARE FAR ABOVE THE NORM" "WHETHER HERE OR ON THE ROAM" "HAVE A POET IN EVERY HOME!" "Man ( intoning ):" "I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD... ( doorbell rings )" "THAT FLOATS ON HIGH OR VALE..." "GOOD MORNING, MADAM." "I'VE COME TO READ YOUR POET." "OH, YES, IT'S IN THE CUPBOARD" "UNDER THE STAIRS." "( coughs )" "WHAT IS IT-- A SWINBURNE?" "SHELLEY?" "NO, IT'S A WORDSWORTH." "OH, BLOODY DAFFODILS." "Wordsworth:" "BENEATH THE TREES" "FLUTTERING AND DANCING IN THE BREEZE" "CONTINUOUS AS THE STARS" "THAT SHINE AND TWINKLE ON THE MILKY WAY... ( coughing ):" "RIGHT, THANK YOU, MADAM." "OH, NOT AT ALL." "THANK YOU." "( grunts )" "IT'S A NICE DAY, ISN'T IT?" "YES, YES, THE WEATHER SITUATION" "IS GENERALLY FAVORABLE." "THERE'S A RIDGE OF HIGH PRESSURE" "CENTERED OVER IRELAND" "WHICH IS MOVING STEADILY EASTWARDS" "BRINGING CLOUDY WEATHER" "TO PARTS OF THE WEST COUNTRY, WALES" "AND AREAS WEST OF THE PENNINES." "ON TOMORROW'S CHART... ( loud laughter )" "THE SITUATION'S MUCH THE SAME." "WITH THIS OCCLUDED FRONT BRINGING DRIER, WARMER WEATHER" "TEMPERATURES ABOUT AVERAGE FOR THE TIME OF YEAR." "THAT'S THREE DEGREES CENTIGRADE, 44 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT" "SO DON'T FORGET TO WRAP UP WELL." "THAT'S ALL FROM ME." "GOOD NIGHT." "NOW ON BBC TELEVISION, A CHOICE OF VIEWING." "ON BBC2, A DISCUSSION ON CENSORSHIP" "BETWEEN DEREK HART, THE BISHOP OF WOOLWICH AND A NUDE MAN." "AND ON BBC 1, ME TELLING YOU THIS." "AND NOW..." "Woman:" "WE DON'T WANT THAT, DO WE?" "DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT CHERRY IN YOUR TEA?" "DO YOU LIKE DOING THIS JOB?" "WELL, IT'S A LIVING, ISN'T IT?" "I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET BORED" "READING PEOPLE'S POETS ALL DAY?" "WELL..." "YOU KNOW..." "SOMETIMES, YEAH." "ANYWAY, I THINK I'LL BETTER BE GOING." "YOU'VE GOT A NICE TORCH, HAVEN'T YOU?" "( laughter )" "UH, YEAH, YEAH." "IT'S A..." "IT GOES, UH, ON AND OFF." "HOW MANY VOLTS IS IT?" "OH, UH..." "WELL, I'LL HAVE A LOOK" "AT THE BATTERIES." "OH, YES, YES." "IT'S, UH... 41/2 VOLTS." "MMM, THAT'S WONDERFUL." "DO YOU WANT ANOTHER LOOK AT THE POET?" "NO, NO, I MUST BE OFF, REALLY." "I'VE GOT THOMAS HARDY IN THE BEDROOM." "I'D LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT HIM." "OH, WELL, I CAN'T TOUCH HIM;" "HE'S A NOVELIST." "OH, HE KEEPS MUMBLING ALL NIGHT." "AH, WELL, NOVELISTS DO, YOU SEE." "OH, FORGET HIM!" "WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEARY?" "HARNESS." "NO, NO" " YOUR FIRST NAME, SILLY." "WOMBAT." "OH, WOMBAT!" "WOMBAT HARNESS!" "TAKE ME TO THE PLACE WHERE ETERNITY KNOWS NO BOUNDS" "WHERE THE GARDEN OF LOVE ENCLOSES US ROUND." "OH, HARNESS..." "ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE A QUICK LOOK AT YOUR THOMAS HARDY." "NUDE MAN, WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THAT?" "WELL, DON'T YOU SEE" "THAT WAS EXACTLY THE KIND OF EXPLICIT SEXUAL REFERENCE" "I'M OBJECTING TO." "IT IS TITILLATION FOR THE SAKE OF IT" "A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT AT CHEAP SENSATIONALISM." "I DON'T CARE WHAT THE SO-CALLED AVANT-GARDE, LEFT-WING" "INTELLECTUAL NAMBY-PAMBIES SAY." "IT IS FILTH!" "BISHOP." "OKAY, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE!" "( crime-series-type musicplays )" "THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE" "FOR THE CONSTANT REPETITION IN THIS SHOW." "THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE" "FOR THE CONSTANT REPETITION IN THIS SHOW." "FOR THE CONSTANT REPETITION IN THIS SHOW." "Man 2:" "OH, WHOOPS-A-DAISY!" "( men whooping )" "( sproinging )" "( laughter )" "( whimpers )" "( thumping )" "( gruffly ):" "SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU UP THERE." "WHAT?" "CAN'T A GUY GET SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE?" "A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET'S ALL I WANT." "SHUT UP RIGHT NOW OR I'M COMING UP." "( chicken clucking )" "I..." "HOPE..." "YOU'RE..." "EN..." "JOY..." "ING..." "THIS!" "Dispatcher:" "ATTENTION." "THERE'S BEEN A NASTY FIVE-FROG CURSE NEAR THE M4." "PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO THE AREA." "( siren wails, frogs croak )" "( siren wails, frogs croak )" "Man 2:" "LOOKS BAD." "Man 3:" "MMM, VERY BAD." "Man 4:" "QUITE AGREED." "Man 1:" "ONLY WAY THING TO DO" "WITH A MULTIPLE FROG CURSE LIKE THIS." "Man 4:" "RIGHTO, GET THE MAGIC WAND." "Man 3:" "CLEAR THE AREA." "FIRE!" "( explosion )" "( in loud, slow unison ):" "THANK YOU!" "AND NOW A SKETCH ABOUT A CHEMIST" "CALLED "THE CHEMIST SKETCH"!" "RIGHT, I'VE GOT SOME OF YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS HERE." "UH, WHO'S GOT THE POX?" "( laughter )" "COME ON, WHO'S GOT THE POX?" "COME ON!" "COME... ( laughter )" "CATCH." "WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON THE BUM?" "BOIL ON THE BOTTY." "WHO'S GOT THE CHEST RASH?" "HAVE TO GET A BIGGER BOTTLE." "( laughter )" "WHO'S GOT..." "WHO'S GOT WIND?" "CATCH." "THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE" "FOR THE POOR QUALITY OF THE WRITING IN THAT SKETCH." "IT IS NOT BBC POLICY TO GET EASY LAUGHS" "WITH WORDS LIKE "BUM, " "KNICKERS, " "BOTTY"" "OR "WEE-WEES"..." "SHH!" "( laughter )" "THESE ARE THE WORDS" "WHICH ARE NOT TO BE USED AGAIN ON THIS PROGRAM." "( light laughter )" "( laughter )" "SEMPRINI!" "?" "OUT!" "RIGHT, WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON HIS SEMPRINI, THEN?" "( laughter )" "GOOD MORNING." "GOOD MORNING, SIR." "GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE, PLEASE." "CERTAINLY, SIR, WALK THIS WAY, PLEASE." "IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY" "I WOULDN'T NEED AFTERSHAVE." "( laughter )" "GOOD MORNING." "GOOD MORNING, SIR." "CAN I HELP YOU?" "YES, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE." "AH, A TOILET REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T." "WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THIS, SIR?" "IT'S OUR VERY LATEST." "IT'S CALLED "SEA MIST."" "( dubiously ):" "MMM, I QUITE LIKE IT." "HOW ABOUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MUSKY?" "THIS ONE'S CALLED "MIMMO."" "MMM, NOT REALLY, NO." "HAVE YOU ANYTHING A LITTLE FISHIER?" "FISHIER?" "FISHIER." "FISH, FISH, FISH." "A FISHY REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T." "LIKE HALIBUT OR SEA BASS." "OR BREAM?" "YES." "NO, WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY OF THAT." "UH, I'VE GOT MACKEREL OR COD OR HAKE." "YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING" "A LITTLE MORE HALIBUTISH?" "UH..." "PARROT?" "( laughter )" "WHAT'S THAT DOING THERE?" "OR SKATE WITH JUST A HINT OF PRAWN." "OR CRAB, TIGER AND ALMONDS..." "VERY UNUSUAL." "I REALLY HAD MY HEART SET ON HALIBUT." "WELL, SIR, WE HAD A FISHY CONSIGNMENT IN THIS MORNING" "SO I COULD NIP DOWN TO THE BASEMENT" "AND SEE IF I CAN COME UP TRUMPS" "WITH THIS PARTICULAR REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T." "SO IT WAS HALIBUT OR...?" "SEA BASS." "SEA BASS!" "WON'T BE A MOMENT-T-T-T-T-T." "SORRY ABOUT THIS." "( hums )" "NORMALLY WE TRY AND AVOID THESE LITTLE PAUSES-- "LONGEURS"" "ONLY DRAMATICALLY HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, YOU SEE." "COURSE, THERE ISN'T REALLY A BASEMENT." "BUT HE JUST GOES OFF AND WE PRETEND." "( laughter )" "ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS IS HE JUST GOES OFF THERE OFF-CAMERA" "AND JUST WAITS THERE" "SO IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT." "( laughter )" "ACTUALLY I THINK HE'S RATHER OVERDOING IT." "AH!" "( laughter )" "( panting )" "AH, SORRY, SIR." "A LOT OF STEPS." "WELL, I'M AFRAID IT DIDN'T COME IN THIS MORNING, SIR" "BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN AT OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH." "I'LL JUST NIP DOWN THERE AND GET IT FOR YOU." "HOW LONG WILL THAT BE?" "TWENTY MINUTES." "TWENTY MINUTES!" "?" "( hums )" "PSST!" "OH, I WONDER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE USE FOR AFTERSHAVE LOTION." "( loudly ):" "I USE A BODY RUB CALLED "HALITOSIS"!" "IT MAKES MY BREATH SEEM SWEET!" "I USE AN AFTERSHAVE CALLED "SEMPRINI"!" "( laughter )" "UH, SORRY, SORRY, CAN'T STOP NOW." "I'VE GOT TO GET TO KENSINGTON." "I USE TWO KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION:" "FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH..." "THREE KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION:" "FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH, SAN..." "FOUR KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION:" "FRANKINCENSE..." "I HAVE A COLD SHOWER EVERY MORNING JUST BEFORE I GO MAD" "AND THEN I GO MAD ONE, MAD TWO, MAD THREE, MAD FOUR..." "I USE RANCID POLECAT NUMBER TWO." "IT KEEPS MY SKIN NICE AND SCALY." "UH, SORRY AGAIN." "CAN'T STOP." "GOT TO GET BACK." "( laughter )" "( panting ):" "WHOO!" "WELL, I'M AFRAID THEY DON'T HAVE ANY" "IN OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH" "BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN IN THE DEPOT." "WHERE'S THAT?" "ABERDEEN." "ABERDEEN!" "?" "IT'S ALL RIGHT;" "YOU WAIT HERE." "I'VE GOT A CAR." "NO, NO, NO, I'LL TAKE THE OTHER" "THE CRAB, TIGER AND..." "ALMOND REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T?" "I'LL TAKE IT." "( humming )" "( laughter )" "( whistles loudly )" "RIGHT!" "RIGHT!" "RIGHT!" "NOW, THEN, NOW, THEN!" "YOUR TURN." "AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY" ""WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?"" "OH, RIGHT-- WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?" "THIS MAN HAS BEEN SHOPLIFTING, OFFICER." "OH, YES?" "YES." "ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME MY JOB?" "UH, NO, BUT HE'S BEEN SHOPLIFTING." "LOOK, I MUST WARN YOU" "THAT ANYTHING YOU MAY SAY WILL BE IGNORED." "AND FURTHERMORE, GIVEN HALF A CHANCE" "I'LL PUT MY FIST THROUGH YOUR TEETH" " F'TANG!" "F'TANG!" "BUT OFFICER, THIS MAN HERE..." "LOOK, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU." "YOU'RE UNDER ARREST." "( imitates airplane zooming and firing )" "OFFICER, IT WASN'T HIM;" "HE'S THE SHOPLIFTER." "NO, I'M NOT." "HE'S NOT;" "I'M A WITNESS." "LOOK, ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU" "AND I'LL DO YOU FOR HERESY." "HERESY!" "?" "BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION." "SHUT UP!" "F'TANG, F'TANG!" "OOH, THAT'S NICE." "RIGHT!" "I'M TAKING YOU ALONG TO THE STATION." "WHAT FOR?" "I'M CHARGING YOU WITH ILLEGAL POSSESSION" "OF WHATEVER WE HAPPEN TO HAVE DOWN THERE" " RIGHT!" "LUNAR MODULE CALLING BUZZ ALDRIN." "COME IN." "( imitates plane )" "RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD" "BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT..." "THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE POLICE" "ABOUT THE CHARACTER OF POLICE CONSTABLE PAN AM." "HE WAS NOTMEANT TO REPRESENT THEA VERAGE POLICE OFFICER." "SIMILARLY, THE REFERENCE TO BUZZALDRIN, THEASTRONAUT" "WAS THE PRODUCT OFA DISORDERED MIND" "AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS HA VING ANY OTHER SIGNIFICANCE." "( "Star Spangled Banner"plays )" "( in slow, loud unison ):" "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!" "( tittering )" "( audience laughter )" "OH!" "THAT WAS FUN!" "AND NOW... ( not in unison ):" "THE END!" "THE END...!" "( not in unison ):" "THE END!" "THE END...!" "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "FROM THE GRILLOMAT SNACK BAR, PAIGNTON." "HELLO TO YOU LIVE" "FROM THE GRILLOMAT SNACK BAR, PAIGNTON." "AND SO, WITHOUT ANY MORE ADO" "LET'S HAVE THE TITLES." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with fart )" "WELL, THOSE WERE THE TITLES." "AND NOW FOR THE FIRST ITEM THIS EVENING ON THE MENU... ( snickers )" "THE TEAM HAS CHOSEN AS A LITTLE HORS D'OEUVRES, AN ITEM" "AND I THINK WE CAN BE SURE IT WON'T BE AN ORDINARY ITEM" "IN FACT, THE TEAM TOLD ME, JUST BEFORE THE SHOW" "THAT ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN, AND PROBABLY WOULD." "SO LET'S HAVE..." "THE ITEM." "( bubbly theme musicplaying )" "HELLO, GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO BLACKMAIL." "AND TO START TONIGHT'S PROGRAM" "WE GO NORTH TO PRESTON IN LANCASHIRE" "AND MRS. BETTY TEAL." "HELLO, MRS. TEAL." "NOW, THIS IS FOR Pound15, AND IT'S TO STOP US" "REVEALING THE NAME OF YOUR LOVER IN BOLTON." "( audience laughter )" "SO MRS. TEAL, SEND US Pound15 BY RETURN OF POST, PLEASE" "AND YOUR HUSBAND TREVOR" "AND YOUR LOVELY CHILDREN, DIANE, JANICE AND JULIET" "NEED NEVER KNOW THE NAME OF YOUR LOVER IN BOLTON." "( plays chords )" "AND NOW A LETTER, A HOTEL REGISTRATION BOOK" "AND A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS WHICH COULD ADD UP TO DIVORCE" "PREMATURE RETIREMENT AND POSSIBLE CRIMINAL PROCEEDINGS" "FOR A COMPANY DIRECTOR IN BROMSGROVE." "HE'S A FREEMASON AND PROSPECTIVE TORY M.P." "THAT'S MR. S. OF BROMSGROVE-- Pound3,000, PLEASE" "TO STOP US REVEALING YOUR NAME" "THE NAME OF THE THREE OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVED" "THE YOUTH ORGANIZATION TO WHICH THEY BELONG" "AND THE SHOP WHERE YOU BOUGHT THE EQUIPMENT." "( plays chords )" "WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU MORE OF THAT PHOTOGRAPH" "LATER IN THE PROGRAM..." "UNLESS WE HEAR FROM CHARLES OR MICHAEL." "( laughter )" "AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR "STOP THE FILM" SPOT." "THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE:" "WE HAVE TAKEN A FILM WHICH CONTAINS COMPROMISING SCENES" "AND UNPLEASANT DETAILS WHICH COULD WRECK A MAN'S CAREER." "BUT THE VICTIM MAY PHONE ME AT ANY POINT AND STOP THE FILM." "BUT REMEMBER, THE MONEY INCREASES AS THE FILM GOES ON." "SO THE LONGER YOU LEAVE IT, THE MORE YOU HAVE TO PAY." "SO NOW, WITH THE CLOCK AT Pound300" "THIS WEEK "STOP THE FILM" VISITED THAMES DITTON." "( light, merry musicplaying )" "HE'S BEING VERY BRAVE HERE." "( laughter )" "( phone rings )" "HELLO, SIR." "HELLO, YES." "NO, SIR, NO, I'M SURE YOU DIDN'T." "NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE DON'T MORALLY CENSURE." "WE JUST WANT THE MONEY." "YES, AND HERE'S THE ADDRESS TO SEND IT TO:" "NOT AT ALL, SIR." "THANK YOU." "SORRY, CHAPS." "IT WAS MY MOTHER." "ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, PRAY SILENCE" "FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE ROYAL SOCIETY" "FOR PUTTING THINGS ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS." "I THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN." "THE YEAR HAS BEEN A GOOD ONE FOR THE SOCIETY." "( men agreeing )" "THIS YEAR, OUR MEMBERS HAVE PUT MORE THINGS" "ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS THAN EVER BEFORE." "BUT I SHOULD WARN YOU, THIS IS NO TIME FOR COMPLACENCY, NO." "THERE ARE STILL MANY THINGS" "AND I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS TOO STRONGLY" "NOT ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS." "I MYSELF, ON MY WAY HERE THIS EVENING, SAW" "A THING THAT WAS NOT ON TOP OF ANOTHER THING IN ANY WAY." "A THING THAT WAS NOT ON TOP OF ANOTHER THING IN ANY WAY." "SHAME, INDEED." "BUT WE MUST NOT ALLOW OURSELVES TO BECOME TOO DESPONDENT" "FOR WE MUST NEVER FORGET THAT IF THERE WAS NOT ONE THING" "THAT WAS NOT ON TOP OF ANOTHER THING" "OUR SOCIETY WOULD BE NOTHING MORE" "THAN A MEANINGLESS BODY OF MEN" "THAT GATHERED TOGETHER FOR NO GOOD PURPOSE." "BUT WE FLOURISH." "THIS YEAR, OUR AUSTRALASIAN MEMBERS" "AND THE VARIOUS ORGANIZATIONS AFFILIATED" "TO OUR AUSTRALASIAN BRANCHES" "PUT NO FEWER THAN 22 THINGS ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS." "( cheering )" "WELL DONE, ALL OF YOU." "BUT THERE IS ONE CLOUD ON THE HORIZON." "IN THIS LAST YEAR, OUR STAFFORDSHIRE BRANCH" "HAS NOT SUCCEEDED IN PUTTING ONE THING ON TOP OF ANOTHER." "HAS NOT SUCCEEDED IN PUTTING ONE THING ON TOP OF ANOTHER." "THEREFORE, I CALL UPON OUR STAFFORDSHIRE DELEGATE" "TO EXPLAIN THIS WEIRD BEHAVIOR." "UH, CUTLER, STAFFORDSHIRE." "UM..." "WELL, MR. CHAIRMAN" "IT'S JUST THAT MOST OF THE MEMBERS IN STAFFORDSHIRE FEEL..." "THE WHOLE THING'S A BIT SILLY." "ALL ( aghast ):" "SILLY?" "!" "SILLY?" "I SUPPOSE IT IS A BIT." "WHAT HAVE WE BEEN DOING" "WASTING OUR LIVES WITH ALL THIS NONSENSE?" "RIGHT, OKAY, MEETING ADJOURNED FOREVER." "RIGHT, OKAY, MEETING ADJOURNED FOREVER." "GOOD LORD!" "I'M ON FILM." "HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?" "IT'S FILM AGAIN." "WHAT'S GOING ON?" "GENTLEMEN, I HAVE BAD NEWS." "THIS ROOM IS SURROUNDED BY FILM." "WHAT?" "WHAT?" "( laughter )" "WE'RE TRAPPED." "DON'T PANIC, WE'LL GET OUT OF THIS." "HOW?" "WE'LL TUNNEL OUR WAY OUT." "GOOD THINKING, SIR, I'LL GET THE HORSE." "OKAY, CAPTAIN" "YOU DETAIL THREE MEN, START DIGGING" "AND LOAD THEM UP WITH CUTLERY" "AND THEN WE'LL HAVE A ROTA." "WE'LL HAVE TWO HOURS DIGGING, TWO HOURS VAULTING" "AND THEN TWO HOURS SLEEPING, OKAY?" "ALL RIGHT, MEDWIN" "LET'S SEE YOU GET OVER THAT HORSE." "PICK YOUR FEET UP, MEDWIN, COME ON, BOY!" "ZE STUPID ENGLISH." "ZEY ARE PRISONERS AND ALL THEY DO IS THE SPORT." "ONE THING WORRIES ME, FRITZ." "JA?" "WHERE'S THE TRADITIONALLY CHEEKY AND LOVABLE COCKNEY SERGEANT?" "CHEER UP, FRITZ, IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN." "( men singing )" "GOOD, EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE IN ORDER." "( singing continues )" "COLONEL, I JUST FOUND ANOTHER EXIT, SIR." "OKAY, QUICKLY, RUN THIS WAY." "( in unison ):" "IF WE COULD RUN THAT WAY..." "SORRY." "( infantile babbling )" "( yelling ):" "WHOA!" "( yelling )" "( groaning andyelling )" "( banging, men yelling in pain )" "( loud belch )" "( audience laughs )" "OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY." "EXCUSE ME." "( laughter )" "( toilet flushes )" "AH!" "UM, WELL, THEY CERTAINLY SEEM TO BE IN A TIGHT SPOT." "AND I SPOT ( snickers ) OUR NEXT ITEM." "SO LET'S GET STRAIGHT ON WITH THE FUN" "AND GO OVER TO THE NEXT ITEM, OR DISH." "HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?" "I'M FINE." "WELCOME TO A NEW HALF-HOUR CHAT SHOW" "IN WHICH ME, VIZ THE MAN WHAT'S TALKING TO YOU NOW" "AND BROOKY, TO WIT, MY FLAT MATE" "AND NOTHING ELSE, I'D LIKE TO EMPHASIZE THAT" "DISCUSS CURRENT AFFAIRS ISSUES OF BURNING IMPORT." "HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE THREE NUNS IN THE NUDIST COLONY?" "SHUT UP!" "TONIGHT, THE POPULATION EXPLOSION." "APPARENTLY THERE WERE THESE THREE NUNS." "SHUT UP!" "COME THE YEAR 1991" "GIVEN THE PRESENT RATE OF INCREASE" "IN THE WORLD'S POPULATION" "THE CHINESE WILL BE THREE-DEEP." "ANOTHER THING..." "SORRY, LOVE, SORRY." "THE SHOW'S TOO LONG THIS WEEK." "THIS SCENE'S BEEN CUT." "LORD HILL'S AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS." "BUT IF YOU COULD FIND A PIANO STOOL" "YOU CAN APPEAR LATER ON IN THE SHOW, IN FILM." "HOW MUCH?" "OH, ABOUT TEN BOB EACH." "I WOULDN'T WIPE ME NOSE ON IT." "HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THESE THREE NUNS?" "( sharply ):" "SHH!" "I CAN HEAR SOMETHING." "HANG ABOUT." "WE MAY STILL GET IN THIS SHOW AS A LINK." "( men yelling in distance )" "THAT'S CLEVER." "HOW DO THEY DO THAT?" "COLOR SEPARATION, YOU COTTON HEAD." "( yelling )" "( belches loudly )" "( hollow clanging )" "( men arguing )" "NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT." "YEAH, GOT IT." "( motorized whirring )" "OH, WHAT'S THIS?" "( military drumbeat )" "( whirring continues )" "ZO, BRITISHER PIG, VE MEET AGAIN." "WHAT?" "( clanging )" "( glass shattering, men groaning )" "( glass shattering, men groaning )" "HE SPILLED AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF CHATEAU LATOUR." "( laughter )" "EVERYTHING IS A DISASTER." "( thunder rumbles )" "Deep, booming voice:" "SHUT UP, THE LOT OF YOU!" "( wind whistling )" "( wind whistling )" "Man 2:" "SIR WILLIAM, OVER HERE." "Deep, booming voice:" "NOW, STAY THERE!" "( thunder rumbles )" "( thunder rumbles )" "Man 2:" "HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS?" "Man 3:" "WELL, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?" "Men ( in falsetto ):" "DON'T JUMP!" "DON'T JUMP!" "( in normal voices ):" "WHAT?" "WHAT?" "PLEASE, DON'T JUMP, THINK OF THE LITTLE ONES!" "WELL, WE'RE GOING TO JUMP." "NO, DON'T JUMP!" "( allyelling at once )" "WHAT?" "( siren approaches )" "DON'T JUMP!" "( screaming )" "( screaming )" "( machine gun firing )" "WELL, THEY SEEM TO BE IN ANOTHER TIGHT SPOT." "( people arguing in background )" "COULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN A LITTLE, PLEASE?" "THANK YOU SO MUCH." "YOU COULD KEEP IT DOWN..." "DOWN, PLEASE?" "THANK YOU." "WELL, AND NOW WE MOVE ON TO OUR MAIN COURSE, PRAWN SALAD." "PRAWN SALAD?" "!" "WELL, IF YOU'LL JUST WAIT IN HERE, SIR" "I'M SURE MR. THOMPSON WON'T KEEP YOU WAITING LONG." "FINE, THANKS VERY MUCH." "( glass shatters )" "THE, UH, MIRROR FELL OFF THE WALL." "SIR?" "THE MIRROR FELL OFF, OFF THE WALL IT FELL." "I SEE." "YOU'D BETTER WAIT HERE." "I'LL GET A CLOTH." "( laughter )" "( crash )" "UH, IT CAME OFF THE WALL." "YES, SIR?" "IT JUST CAME RIGHT OFF THE WALL." "REALLY, SIR?" "YES, I..." "I DIDN'T TOUCH IT." "OF COURSE NOT, IT JUST FELL OFF THE WALL." "YES, IT JUST FELL OFF THE WALL." "DON'T MOVE." "I'LL GET HELP." "YES..." "UH, FELL OFF THE WALL." "OH, MY GOD!" "WHAT A MESS!" "HERE, DID YOU THIS?" "UH, NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T DO ALL THIS." "UH, IT..." "IT DID IT ALL." "OH..." "WELL, HERE, HOLD THIS." "I'LL GET STARTED." "OH, THIS IS JOLLY NICE." "WHAT IS IT?" "HMM?" "OH, IT'S A BRAZILIAN DAGGER." "WHOOP!" "OOH!" "( squealing in pain )" "( audience laughs )" "OH, UH, UH..." "SHE JUST, UH, FELL, UH, ON TO THE DAGGER." "YES, OF COURSE SHE DID, SIR." "YEAH, SHE JUST, UH, GAVE ME THE DAGGER" "AND TRIPPED AND WENT, "OOPS."" "OH, YES, I UNDERSTAND." "YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I DIDN'T, UH..." "OH, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT, SIR, I UNDERSTAND." "I MEAN, SHE..." "SHE JUST, UH..." "YEAH, FELL." "FELL!" "( screaming )" "( crash )" "TERRIBLY SORRY." "THAT'S HIM!" "RIGHT, SIR." "OH, HELLO, OFFICER." "UM, THERE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN AN ACCIDENT." "WELL, UH..." "SEVERAL ACCIDENTS, ACTUALLY." "THAT'S RIGHT, SIR, WOULD YOU COME THIS WAY PLEASE?" "( gasping in pain )" "IT'S ME..." "ME HEART, SIR." "( chokes )" "butler:" "YOU SWINE, I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT." "( crashing )" "UH..." "I WON'T WAIT." "I'LL PHONE." "( crashing )" "( glass shattering )" "( foundation rumbling )" "( laughter )" "SORRY!" "( men grumbling )" "WELL, I THINK WE'RE REALLY OUT THIS TIME." "YEAH?" "ALL RIGHT, JOLLY GOOD." "UH, NOW, WHERE'S THE SCHOOL HALL?" "I THINK IT'S OVER THERE." "COME ON." "RIGHT." "SORRY." "JOLLY GOOD." "( in falsetto ):" "OH, MR. BELPIT" "YOUR LEGS ARE SO SWOLLEN." "EXCUSE ME, IS..." "IS THAT THE SCHOOL HALL?" "UM, I'M SORRY, I DON'T KNOW." "I'M NOT IN THIS ONE." "I'M IN NEXT WEEK'S, I THINK." "OH, COME ON." "( whining ):" ""AH!" "MR. BELPIT!"" "AH, HERE WE ARE." "AH, WELL, THEY SEEM TO HAVE LINKED THAT THEMSELVES" "SO THERE'S NO NEED FOR ME TO INTERRUPT AT ALL." "( snickers )" "SO, UH, BACK TO THE SCHOOL HALL." "( playing ragtime tune )" "( playing degenerates )" "( playing halts )" "( playing continues )" "( playing stops )" "( plays dramatic chords )" "Schoolmaster:" "SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS." "( light applause )" "'TIS TIME THE SEVEN SMITH BROTHERS HAD BRIDES." "FETCH ME SMITH MAJOR." "SIR?" "'TIS TIME YOU AND YOUR SIX BROTHERS WERE MARRIED." "THANK YOU, HEADMASTER." "FETCH ME YOUR SIX BROTHERS" "THAT THE SEVEN BROTHERS MAY BE TOGETHER." "( bell ringing )" "Boys:" "BEHOLD THE SEVEN BROTHERS." "RIGHT, I'LL SEE WATSON, WILKINS AND SPRATT" "IN MY STUDY AFTERWARDS." "( quietly ):" ""BUT..."" "BUT WHERE SHALL WE FIND" "SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS?" "THE SABINE SCHOOL FOR GIRLS." "YES, AND IT'S THE ANNUAL DANCE." "FETCH HITHER THE SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS." "Both:" "BEHOLD THE SEVEN BRIDES." "FETCH HITHER THE PADRE" "THAT THE SEVEN BRIDES" "MAY MARRY THE SEVEN BROTHERS." "FETCH HITHER THE MASTER ON DUTY" "THAT THE SEVEN BRIDES" "MAY MARRY THE SEVEN BROTHERS." "SORRY I'M LATE, HEADMASTER" "I'VE BEEN WRESTLING WITH PLATO." "WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR OWN TIME, PADRE" "IS WRITTEN ON THE WALL IN THE VESTRY." "Padre:" "RIGHT." "DO YOU FOUR BOYS TAKE THESE TWO GIRLS" "TO BE YOUR SEVEN BRIDES?" "Boys:" "YES, SIR." "RIGHT, GO AND DO YOUR PREP." "( scattered applause )" "( plays chords )" "( plays simple, cheery tune )" "I SAY, TEDDY." "YOU SAID SOMETHING, NEDDY?" "THAT'S RIGHT, I DID, TEDDY." "WELL, WHAT IS IT, NEDDY?" "PIGGY BANKS, TEDDY." "PIGGY BANKS, NEDDY?" "YES." "I WANT TO HUNT PIGGY BANKS, TEDDY." "YOU WANT TO HUNT PIGGY BANKS, NEDDY?" "THAT'S RIGHT, TEDDY." "( wind whistling )" "( changejingling )" "( banging )" "Neddy:" "I GOT HIM, TEDDY." "Teddy:" "TIME TO BRING HOME THE BACON, NEDDY." "THAT'S NOT BACON." "THAT'S SIRLOIN, TEDDY." "CAN'T BE SIRLOIN." "NOT FROM A PIGGY, NEDDY." "BUT THAT'S SIRLOIN, TEDDY." "NO, IT ISN'T, NEDDY." "IS, TEDDY." "ISN'T, NEDDY." "IS, TEDDY." "ISN'T, NEDDY." "IS, TEDDY." "HMM, LOOKS LIKE" "I'VE BEEN PLAYING THE FOOL, NEDDY." "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, TEDDY." "THANKS AWFULLY, NEDDY." "OH, THANKS A LOT, NEDDY." "NO, NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL." "JOLLY CIVIL." "NO, IT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT." "GOOD MORNING." "I'D CARE TO PURCHASE A CHICKEN, PLEASE." "DON'T COME HERE WITH THAT POSH TALK" "YOU NASTY, STUCK-UP TWIT." "( audience laughs )" "I BEG YOUR PARDON?" "A CHICKEN, SIR, CERTAINLY, HERE WE ARE." "THANK YOU, AND HOW MUCH DOES THAT WORK OUT TO" "PER POUND, MY GOOD FELLOW?" "PER POUND, YOU SLIMY TROLLOPE!" "WHAT KIND OF A PONCE ARE YOU?" "( laughter )" "I'M SORRY?" "FOUR AND SIX A POUND, SIR." "NICE AND READY FOR ROASTING." "I SEE, AND I'D CARE TO PURCHASE" "SOME STUFFING, IN ADDITION, PLEASE." "USE YOUR OWN, YOU GREAT POOVY PO-NAGGER." "WHAT?" "OH, CERTAINLY, SIR, SOME STUFFING." "OH, THANK YOU." "OH, "THANK YOU"" "SAYS THE GREAT QUEEN LIKE A LA-DI-DAH POOFTER." "I BEG YOUR PARDON?" "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR, CALL AGAIN." "EXCUSE ME..." "WHAT IS IT NOW, YOU GREAT PILLOCK?" "WELL, I CAN'T HELP NOTICING THAT YOU INSULT ME" "AND THEN YOU'RE POLITE TO ME ALTERNATELY." "I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO HEAR THAT, SIR." "THAT'S ALL RIGHT." "IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER." "TOUGH TITTY IF IT DID, YOU NASTY SPOTTED PRANCER." "AH!" "UH..." "SORRY, I ASKED FOR TEA." "COULD YOU...?" "THANK YOU VERY MUCH." "WELL, UH, WE'VE HAD THE DESSERT AND THEN..." "AND SO THE FIRST ITEM..." "THE LAST ITEM ON OUR MENU OF FUN IS THE COFFEE." "NOW I DID ASK FOR TEA." "BUT YOU JUST SAID COFFEE." "NO, NO, THAT WAS JUST MY ANNOUNCEMENT." "IT'S JUST A METAPHOR." "FIRST HE SAID HE WANTS TEA, THEN HE SAYS COFFEE." "WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING IT DOWN, PLEASE?" "WE COME, AS..." "AS I SAID JUST NOW, TO THE COFFEE." "THERE, HE SAID IT AGAIN!" "SHUT UP!" "Announcer:" "THIS IS KEN CLEAN-AIR SYSTEM" "THE GREAT WHITE HOPE OF THE BRITISH BOXING WORLD." "AFTER THREE FIGHTS AND ONLY TWO CONVICTIONS" "HIS MANAGER BELIEVES THAT KEN IS NOW READY TO FACE" "THE GIANT AMERICAN, SATELLITE FIVE." "THE GREAT THING ABOUT KENNY IS HE'S..." "HE'S ALMOST TOTALLY STUPID." "( laughter )" "Announcer:" "EVERY MORNING HE JOGS THE 47 MILES" "FROM HIS TWO-BEDROOM, EIGHT- BATHROOM, SIX-UP, TWO-DOWN, THREE-TO-GO HOUSE IN REIGATE" "TO THE GOVERNMENT'S PESTICIDE RESEARCH CENTER AT SHOREHAM." "NOBODY KNOWS WHY." "BASICALLY, KEN IS A VERY GENTLE, HOME-LOVING PERSON." "I REMEMBER WHEN ONE OF HIS STICK INSECTS HAD A KNEE INFECTION." "HE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT RUBBING IT WITH GERMOLINE" "AND BANGING ITS HEAD ON THE TABLE." "( laughter )" "OH, HE WAS SUCH A PRETTY BABY, ALWAYS SO KIND AND GENTLE" "AND REALLY CONSIDERATE TO HIS MOTHER" "AND NOT AT ALL THE KIND OF PERSON" "YOU'D EXPECT TO PULVERIZE THEIR OPPONENT" "INTO A BLOODY MASS OF FLESH AND RAW BONE" "SPITTING TEETH AND FRAGMENTS OF GUM" "INTO A RING WHICH HAD BECOME ONE MAN'S HELL AND KEN'S GLORY." "( laughter )" "Announcer:" "EVERY MORNING, IN HIS LITTLE THREE-ROOM SEMI, NEAR READING" "KEN GETS UP AT 3:00..." "AND GOES BACK TO BED AGAIN BECAUSE IT'S FAR TOO EARLY." "AT 7:00, KEN GETS UP, HE HAS A QUICK SHOWER, A RUBDOWN" "GETS INTO HIS TRACK SUIT, AND GOES BACK TO BED AGAIN." "AT 7:50 EVERY MORNING, KEN'S TRAINER RUNS THE 13,000 MILES" "FROM HIS TWO-ROOM LEAN-TO IN BANGKOK, AND GETS HIM UP." "I USED TO WAKE KEN UP WITH A CROWBAR ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD." "BUT I RECENTLY FOUND THAT THIS WAS TOO FAR FROM HIS BRAIN" "AND IT WASN'T GETTING THROUGH TO HIM ANYMORE." "SO I NOW WAKE HIM UP" "WITH A STEEL PEG DRIVEN INTO HIS SKULL WITH A MALLET." "( mallet pings )" "Announcer:" "FOR BREAKFAST EVERY DAY" "KEN PLACES A PLATE OF LIVER AND BACON UNDER HIS CHAIR" "AND LOCKS HIMSELF IN THE CUPBOARD." "WELL, HE'S HAVING A LOT OF MENTAL DIFFICULTIES" "WITH HIS BREAKFASTS, UH, BUT THIS IS TEMPERAMENT" "CAUSED BY A SMALL PARTICLE OF BRAIN IN HIS SKULL" "AND ONCE WE'VE REMOVED THAT, HE'LL BE PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT." "Announcer:" "AT 8:30, THE REAL TRAINING BEGINS." "KEN GOES BACK TO BED AND HIS TRAINER GETS HIM UP." "( laughter )" "( laughter )" "( laughter )" "AT 10:30 EVERY MORNING" "KEN ARRIVES AT WHAT HE THINKS IS THE GYM." "SOMETIMES IT'S A SWEET SHOP, SOMETIMES IT'S A PRIVATE HOUSE." "TODAY IT'S A HOSPITAL." "UH, CAN YOU TELL ME" "WHERE THE TRAINING ROOM IS?" "UM, YEAH, STRAIGHT DOWN THERE." "WHAT?" "STRAIGHT DOWN THERE." "DOWN THERE, DOWN THERE, DOWN THERE." "WHERE?" "STRAIGHT DOWN THERE." "DOWN THERE." "Announcer:" "FOR LUNCH, KEN CROUCHES DOWN BESIDE THE ROAD" "AND RUBS GRAVEL INTO HIS HAIR." "( laughter )" "BUT LUNCH DOESN'T TAKE LONG." "KEN'S SOON UP ON HIS FEET AND BACK TO BED." "AND HIS TRAINER HAS TO RUN THE 49,000 MILES" "FROM HIS TWO-BEDROOM, SIX LIVING ROOM TREE HOUSE IN KYOTO" "TO WAKE HIM UP." "HELLO." "UH, WHEN KEN IS IN A REALLY DEEP SLEEP, LIKE THIS ONE" "THE ONLY WAY TO WAKE HIM UP IS TO SAW HIS HEAD OFF." "( saw grinding )" "Announcer:" "WHAT IS HE LIKE IN THE RING" "THIS HUMAN DYNAMO, THIS 18-STONE BANTAMWEIGHT BATTERING RAM?" "WE ASKED HIS SPARRING PARTNER" "AND ONETIME CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART, MAUREEN SPENCER." "WELL, UH, I THINK THAT IF KEN KEEPS HIS RIGHT UP" "GETS HIM WITH A LEFT JAB, AND TAKES THE FIGHT TO HIS MAN" "WELL, UH, HE SHOULD GO FOR A CUT EYE IN THE THIRD" "AND PUT WILCOX ON THE CANVAS BY SIX." "Announcer:" "KEN'S OPPONENT IN TUESDAY'S FIGHT IS PETULA WILCOX" "THE BIRMINGHAM GIRL WHO WAS A SHORTHAND TYPIST" "BEFORE TURNING PRO IN 1968." "SHE'S KEEN ON KNITTING AND LIKES CLIFF RICHARD RECORDS." "HOW DOES SHE RATE HER CHANCES AGAINST KEN?" "WELL, I'M A SOUTHPAW, AND I THINK THIS WILL CONFUSE HIM" "PARTICULARLY WITH HIS BRAIN PROBLEM." "MY LORDS, LADIES AND GEDDERBONG" "ON MY RIGHT, FROM THE TOWN OF REIGATE, IN THE COUNTY OF KENT" "THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF OUR...( words garbled )" "THE ( words garbled )..." "MR. KEN CLEAN-AIR SYSTEM!" "( spectators cheering )" "AND ON MY LEFT, MISS PETULA WILCOX." "( spectators booing )" "( bell rings )" "( audience laughter )" "TEACHES YOU SELF-DEFENSE." "Man 2:" "OBVIOUSLY, BOXING MUST HAVE ITS LIMITS" "BUT PROVIDING THEY'RE BOTH PERFECTLY FIT" "I CAN SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH ONE HEALTHY MAN" "BEATING THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF A LITTLE SCHOOLGIRL." "IT'S QUICK AND IT'S FUN." "RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD..." "OH, NOW HE'S GONE, BUT HE LEFT A MESSAGE." "JACK, WHERE'S THAT NOTE THAT FELLOW LEFT?" "OH." "HERE YOU ARE." "IT SAYS, "SORRY, HAD TO CATCH THE LAST BUS." "AM ON THE 49-B TO BABBACOMBE."" "OH, UH, THERE YOU ARE." "HELLO." "UM, YOU GOT THE NOTE." "JOLLY GOOD." "WELL, UM..." "THAT'S ALL THE ITEMS THAT WE HAVE FOR YOU THIS WEEK" "AND, UH, WHAT A JOLLY NICE LOT OF ITEMS, TOO, EH?" "UM..." "WELL, THE SAME TEAM WILL BE BACK WITH YOU AGAIN NEXT WEEK" "WITH ANOTHER MENU FULL OF ITEMS." "UM, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHALL BE INTRODUCING THE SHOW NEXT WEEK" "AS I UNDERSTAND THAT MY BITS IN THIS SHOW" "HAVE NOT BEEN RECEIVED QUITE AS WELL AS THEY MIGHT." "BUT, UH, NEVER MIND, THE DAMAGE IS DONE." "NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK." "I'VE HAD MY CHANCE, AND I'VE MUFFED IT." "ANYWAY, THERE WE ARE." "I'M NOT REALLY AWFULLY GOOD WITH WORDS." "YOU SEE, I'M MORE OF A VISUAL PERFORMER." "I HAVE A VERY FUNNY-- THOUGH I SAY SO MYSELF" "A VERY FUNNY FUNNY WALK." "I WISH I'D BEEN IN THAT SHOW." "I'D HAVE DONE RATHER WELL." "BUT ANYWAY, THERE WE ARE." "THE SHOW'S OVER AND WE'LL ALL..." "UH, THEY'LL BE BACK WITH YOU AGAIN NEXT WEEK." "SORRY." "I DO BEG YOUR PARDON, I DON'T LIKE THESE..." "DISPLAYS OF EMOTION." "I WISH IT WOULD SAY "THE END."" "( applause )" "( applause ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE." "EACH WEEK WE GET A LARGE FEE." "AT THE END OF THAT WEEK WE GET ANOTHER LARGE FEE." "IF THERE'S BEEN NO INTERRUPTION AT THE END OF THE YEAR" "WE GET A REPEAT FEE" "WHICH CAN BE ADDED ON FOR TAX PURPOSES" "TO THE PREVIOUS YEAR" "OR THE FOLLOWING YEAR IF THERE'S NO NEW SERIES." "EVERY CONTESTANT, IN ADDITION TO GETTING A LARGE FEE" "IS ENTITLED TO THREE DRINKS AT THE BBC" "OR, IF THE SHOW IS OVER, SEVEN DRINKS" "UNLESS HE'S AN M.P." "IN WHICH CASE HE CAN HAVE SEVEN DRINKS BEFORE THE SHOW" "OR A BISHOP ONLY THREE DRINKS IN TOTO." "THE WINNERS WILL RECEIVE AN ADDITIONAL FEE" "A PRIZE WHICH THEY CAN FLOG BACK" "AND A SPECIAL FEE FOR A GUEST APPEARANCE" "ON LATE NIGHT LINEUP." "WELL, THOSE ARE THE RULES, THAT'S THE GAME" "WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN SAME TIME NEXT WEEK." "TILL THEN, BYE-BYE." "( audience laughter )" "Announcer:" "WELL, IT'S FIVE PAST NINE" "AND NEARLY TIME FOR SIX PAST NINE." "ON BBC 2 IT'LL SHORTLY BE 61/2 MINUTES PAST NINE." "LATER ON THIS EVENING, IT'LL BE 10:00" "AND AT 10:30, WE'LL BE JOINING BBC 2 IN TIME FOR 10:33." "AND DON'T FORGET TOMORROW, WHEN IT'LL BE 9:20." "THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED 8:45 ON FRIDAY" "WILL BE ABLE TO SEE IT AGAIN THIS FRIDAY" "AT A QUARTER TO NINE." "NOW HERE'S A TIME CHECK:" "IT'S 61/2 MINUTES TO THE BIG GREEN THING." "IT'S 61/2 MINUTES TO THE BIG GREEN THING." "Announcer:" "I GET SO BORED, I GET SO BLOODY BORED." "( laughter )" "( doorbell rings )" "Woman:" "THIS WAY, PLEASE." "Woman:" "THIS WAY, PLEASE." "( footsteps )" "YES, SIR..." "THIS WAY, EH?" "( hollow clanging )" "( echoing ):" "BLOODY HELL, WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS?" "( crashing, clanging )" "OH, DAMN, WHERE ARE THEY?" "HOW DOES THIS TURN OFF?" "OH, I'M UNSTUCK." "( metal clanging )" "OH!" "AH!" "OH!" "( clanging )" "WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS?" "OH!" "OH, HERE THEY ARE." "( switch clicks )" "OOH!" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with fart )" "( laughter )" "YOU PROBABLY NOTICED THAT I DIDN'T SAY" ""AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT" JUST NOW." "THIS IS SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM UNABLE" "TO APPEAR IN THE SHOW THIS WEEK." "( laughter )" "SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU." "I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT MY TOOTH'S HURTING" "JUST AROUND HERE." "JUST AROUND HERE." "OH, SORRY." "I'M NOT SORRY TO INTERRUPT." "I'LL INTERRUPT ANYTHING" "IF IT GETS PEOPLE LOOKING IN MY DIRECTION" "LIKE AT MY OLD SCHOOL WHERE, BY A COINCIDENCE" "THE ANNUAL PRIZE-GIVING IS GOING ON AT THIS VERY MOMENT." "( playing final notes )" "( man clears throat )" "MY LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS..." "IT GIVES ME VERY GREAT PLEASURE TO RETURN TO MY OLD SCHOOL" "TO PRESENT THE PRIZES IN THIS CENTENARY YEAR." "( applauding lightly )" "THIS SCHOOL TAKES VERY JUSTIFIABLE PRIDE" "IN ITS FINE RECORD OF... ( crying out )" "( grunting and slapping )" "( laughter )" "( struggling and crying out )" "( slapping andpunching ) ...SCHOLARSHIP AND SPORTING ACHIEVEMENT... ( cries out )" "( grunting )" "I'M..." "I'M AFRAID THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE." "THE MAN WHO HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO YOU IS AN IMPOSTOR." "HE IS NOT IN FACT THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA" "BUT A MAN WANTED BY THE POLICE." "I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA" "AND ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE ME CAN LOOK ME UP IN THE BOOK." "NOW THEN, THE FIRST PRIZE IS THIS BEAUTIFUL SILVER CUP" "WHICH HAS BEEN WON BY ME." "( laughter )" "NEXT WE COME" "TO THE FAIRFAX ATKINSON TROPHY" "FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT" "IN THE FIELD OF APPLIED MATHEMATICS." "WELL, THERE WAS NO ONE THIS YEAR" "WHO REACHED THE REQUIRED STANDARD" "AND SO IT GOES IN MY SACK." "( laughter )" "AND BY AN OLD RULE OF THE SCHOOL" "ALL THE OTHER SILVER TROPHIES ALSO GO IN MY SACK... ( yelling )" "( babbling )" "( in Chinese accent ):" "VELLY SOLLY FOR HOLD-UP." "NO PROBLEM NOW." "ME, BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA, NOW PRESENT PRIZES." "EYES DOWN FOR FIRST PRIZE" "THE FYFFE-CHULMLEIGH SPOON FOR LATIN ELEGIACS" "GOES TO..." "PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA!" "( yelling )" "GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY." "MY NAME'S BRADSHAW-- INSPECTOR ELIZABETH BRADSHAW" "OF THE SPECIAL BRANCH SPEECH DAY SQUAD" "BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO THINK OF ME AS THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA" "AND I'D LIKE TO PRESENT THE FIRST PRIZE" "THE GRIMWADE GYNN... ( gunfire and explosions )" "LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS, MR. CHAIRMAN" "LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND BOYS, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC." "PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN NOW" "AND AT THE BACK, PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN." "DO NOT PANIC, DON'T LOOK ROUND, THIS BUILDING IS SURROUNDED." "THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT." "I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA." "NOW, THE FIRST PRIZE IS" "THE GRANVILLE CUP FOR FRENCH UNSEEN TRANSLATION." "AND IT GOES TO FORBES MINOR..." "FORBES MINOR." "RIGHT, GIVE HIM COVERING FIRE." "COME ON, FORBES, COME ON, BOY!" "COME AND GET IT, KEEP DOWN." "WELL DONE." "OH, BAD LUCK!" "THE NEXT PRIZE... ( audio stops )" "( laughter )" "MR. L.F. DIBLEY'S LATEST FILM, IF." "( laughter )" "MR. DIBLEY, SOME PEOPLE HAVE DRAWN COMPARISONS" "BETWEEN YOUR FILM, IF" "WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL" "AND MR. LINDSAY ANDERSON'S FILM, IF" "WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL." "OH, YES, WELL, I MEAN" "THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE" "WHO SAID MY FILM, 2001:" "A SPACE ODYSSEY" "WAS SIMILAR TO STANLEY KUBRICK'S." "I MEAN, THAT'S THE SORT OF PETTY CRITICAL NIGGLING" "THAT'S DOGGED MY CAREER." "IT MAKES ME SICK." "I MEAN, AS SOON AS I'D MADE MIDNIGHT COWBOY" "WITH THE VICAR AS RATSO RIZZO" "JOHN SCHLESINGER RUSHES OUT HIS VERSION AND GETS IT PREMIERED" "WHILE MINE'S STILL AT THE CHEMIST'S." "( laughter )" "WELL, WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT ONE OF YOUR FILMS, REAR WINDOW" "WHICH WAS TO BECOME SUCH A SUCCESS FOR ALFRED HITCHCOCK" "A FEW WEEKS LATER." "NOW, THIS IS A SILENT FILM" "SO PERHAPS YOU COULD TALK US THROUGH IT." "YES, WELL, LET'S SEE, NOW" "THERE'S THE REAR WINDOW." "THERE'S THE MAN LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW." "HE SEES THE MURDER." "THE MURDERER'S COME INTO THE ROOM TO KILL HIM" "BUT HE'S OUTWITTED HIM AND HE'SALL RIGHT." "THE END." "( laughter )" "I MEAN, ALFRED HITCHCOCK" "WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO BLOODY WONDERFUL" "PADDED THAT OUT TO 11/2 HOURS." "LOST ALL THE TENSION." "JUST BECAUSE HE HAD BLOODY GRACE KELLY" "HE MADE Pound3 MILLION MORE THAN I DID." "MIND YOU, AT LEAST SHE CAN ACT A BIT." "I COULD HAVE DONE WITH HER IN FINIAN'S RAINBOW." "THE MAN FROM THE OFF-LICENSE WAS TERRIBLE." "A REAL FAILURE THAT WAS-- TEN SECONDS OF SOLID BOREDOM." "( light laughter )" "( laughter )" "( laughter increases )" "( laughter )" "BLOODY TERRIBLE." "MR. L.F. DIBLEY'S FINIAN'S RAINBOW." "AND NOW OVER TO ME." "EXCLUSIVELY ON THE PROGRAM TODAY" "WE HAVE THE FOREIGN SECRETARY, WHO HAS JUST RETURNED" "FROM THE BITTER FIGHTING IN THE GULF OF AMMAN." "HE'S GOING TO TELL US ABOUT CANOEING." "( laughter )" "( menjabbering )" "( counting in gibberish )" "( laughter )" "THAT GIVES YOU JUST SOME IDEA OF WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE." "TODAY SAW THE LONG-AWAITED PUBLICATION" "OF THE PORTMAN COMMITTEE'S REPORT" "ON INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION." "IT'S TAKEN FIVE YEARS TO PREPARE" "AND IT'S BOUND TO HAVE AN ENORMOUS IMPACT" "ON THE FUTURE OF INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS IN THIS COUNTRY." "IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT" "LORD PORTMAN, CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE" "SIR CHARLES AVERY, EMPLOYERS' REORGANIZATION COUNCIL" "AND RAY MILLICHOPE, LEADER OF THE ALLIED TECHNICIANS' UNION" "AND THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE A HUMAN PYRAMID." "( laughter )" "( crowd cheering )" "BRA-VO!" "NOW THE PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE." "( muffled ):" "GOOD EVENING." "( menjabbering )" "( counting )" "( jabbering )" "NOW HERE'S THE VICE-CHAIRMAN OF I.C.I." "GOOD EVENING." "( menjabbering )" "( counting )" "( cheering )" "WELL, SO MUCH FOR POLITICS" "AND THE PROBLEMS OF BRITAIN'S INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION." "NOW WE TURN TO THE LIGHTER SUBJECT OF SPORT" "AND REG HARRIS, THE FORMER WORLD CYCLING SPRINT CHAMPION" "TALKS TO US ABOUT THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS" "OF BIG RACE PREPARATION." "( cheering and giggling )" "AND NOW THE WORLD OF SONG-- ANNE ZEIGLER AND WEBSTER BOOTH." "( alljabbering )" "( counting )" "( cheering )" "WELL, ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END" "AND THAT'S ALL FOR THIS WEEK, BUT TO CLOSE OUR PROGRAM" "DAME IRENE STOAT, WHO CELEBRATES HER 85th BIRTHDAY THIS MONTH" "READS ONE OF HER MOST FAMOUS POEMS." ""WHO SHALL DECLARE THIS GOOD, THAT ILL" ""WHEN GOOD AND ILL SO INTERTWINE BUT TO FULFILL THE VAST DESIGN" ""OF AN OMNISCIENT WILL." "WHEN SEEMING GAIN BUT TURNS TO LOSS..."" ""WHEN EARTHLY TREASURE PROVES BUT DROSS" ""AND WHAT SEEMED LOST BUT TURNS AGAIN" "TO HIGH ETERNAL GAIN."" "( yelling )" "( screaming )" "( laughter )" "( yelling triumphantly )" "WE HAD THE MOST MARVELOUS HOLIDAY." "IT WAS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC." "ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL." "MICHAEL, YOU TELL THEM ABOUT IT." "NO, DARLING, YOU COULD TELL IT BETTER." "( doorbell rings )" "EXCUSE ME A MOMENT." "( laughter )" "DUNG, SIR." "WHAT?" "WE GOT YOUR DUNG." "WHAT DUNG?" "THREE HUNDREDWEIGHT OF HEAVY DROPPINGS." "WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?" "I DIDN'T ORDER ANY DUNG." "YES, YOU DID, SIR." "YOU ORDERED IT THROUGH THE BOOK-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB." "BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH CLUB?" "THAT'S RIGHT, SIR." "YOU GET GONE WITH THE WIND" "LES MISERABLES BY VICTOR HUGO" "THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN" "AND WITH EVERY THIRD BOOK, YOU GET DUNG." "( laughter )" "I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WHEN I SIGNED THE FORM." "WELL, NO, NO, IT WASN'T ON THE FORM." "THEY FOUND IT WASN'T GOOD FOR BUSINESS." "WE GOT THREE HUNDREDWEIGHT OF DUNG IN THE VAN." "WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?" "I DON'T THINK WE DO." "WE'VE NO GARDEN." "IT'LL FIT HERE" " IT'S TOP-CLASS EXCREMENT." "YOU CAN'T PUT IT IN HERE." "WE'VE HAVING A DINNER PARTY!" "IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUT IT ON THE TELLY." "DARLING, THERE'S A MAN HERE" "WITH OUR BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH-CLUB DUNG." "WE'VE NO ROOM, DEAR." "WELL, HOW MANY ROOMS HAVE YOU GOT, THEN?" "WELL, THERE'S ONLY THIS ROOM, THE BEDROOM, A SPARE ROOM." "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT." "MOVE EVERYTHING INTO THE MAIN BEDROOM" "THEN YOU CAN USE THE SPARE ROOM AS A DUNG ROOM." "( doorbell rings )" "YES?" "DEAD INDIAN." "WHAT?" "HAVE YOU RECENTLY BOUGHT A NEW COOKER, SIR?" "AH, WELL, THIS IS YOUR FREE DEAD INDIAN, AS ADVERTISED." "I DIDN'T SEE THAT IN THE ADVERTS." "OH, NO, IT'S IN VERY SMALL PRINT, YOU SEE, SIR" "SO AS NOT TO AFFECT THE SALES." "WE'VE NO ROOM." "THAT'S ALL RIGHT." "YOU CAN PUT THE DEAD INDIAN" "IN THE SPARE ROOM ON TOP OF THE DUNG." "YEAH." "Indian:" "ME HEAP DIZZY!" "HE'S NOT DEAD!" "OH, WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY A FAULTY COOKER." "( laughter )" "HAVE YOU READ AND ENJOYED" "THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN, THEN?" "NO." "STILL, IT'S WORTH IT FOR THE DUNG, ISN'T IT?" "DARLING, IT'S THE MILK MARKETING BOARD." "FOR EVERY TWO CARTONS OF SINGLE CREAM, WE GET THE M4 MOTORWAY." "( laughter )" "( siren blaring )" "ARE YOU MR. AND MRS. P. FORBES OF 7, THE STUDIOS, ELSTREE?" "YES." "RIGHT, WELL, GET IN THE CAR." "WE'VE WON YOU IN A POLICE RAFFLE." "( laughter )" "YES, THIS COUPLE WAS JUST ONE OF THE PRIZES" "IN THIS YEAR'S POLICE RAFFLE." "OTHER PRIZES INCLUDE TWO YEARS FOR BREAKING AND ENTERING" "A CRATE OF SEARCH WARRANTS" "A "WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?" T-SHIRT" "AND A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH A SKINHEAD OF YOUR OWN CHOICE." "( laughter )" "AND THAT'S NOT ALL!" "THREE FABULOUS NEW PRIZES HAVE JUST BEEN ADDED:" "A FOUR-MONTH SUPPLY OF INTERESTING UNDERGARMENTS" "A FULLY MOTORIZED PIG" "AND A HAND-PAINTED SCENE OF ARABIAN SPLENDOR" "COMPLETE WITH SILLY WALKER." "( humming )" "( jabbering in Japanese )" "( laughter )" "Woman:" "FINALLY, ADD THE SLICED MEAT" "GARNISH THE VEGETABLES" "AND VOILA" " A MEAL FIT FOR A..." "PERSONALLY, I PREFER MORE CLASSICAL DISHES." "( laughter )" "NIGEL, WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU." "SUPER, SUPER, SUPER." "AM I A TEENY BIT LATE?" "WELL, A BIT..." "AN HOUR." "OH, SUPER." "ONLY SNOWDON'S BEEN RETOUCHING MY PROFILE" "AND WE CAN'T UPSET THE LOVELY SNOWDON, CAN WE?" "DAVID BLOGGS, THE ONE AND ONLY..." "SUPER TO SEE YOU." "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?" "COME AND WORK FOR ME." "I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW." "IT IS REALLY LOVELY TO HAVE THIS LITTLE CHAT WITH YOU." "WELL, I..." "IT IS SO NICE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE" "THIS LITTLE TALK ABOUT THINGS." "I HEARD A TEENY RUMORLETTE THAT YOU WERE MARRIED." "NOT QUITE, NO..." "MY WIFE'S JUST DIED, ACTUALLY." "OH, DEAR..." "BRIAN!" "WE MUST GET TOGETHER AGAIN SOON." "SEE YOU." "BYE!" "( laughter )" "PERHAPS WE COULD DO A TRIBUTE" "TO HER ON THE SHOW." "WELL, NO..." "I'LL GET PETER, WILLIAM, ARTHUR" "ALEX, JOAN, TED, SCOTT, WILF, JOHN" "AND RAY TO FIX IT UP." "BUT IT'S SO NICE HAVING THIS LITTLE CHAT." "ACTUALLY, TIMMY" "I'M GLAD TO GET YOU ON YOUR OWN." "YOU DON'T MIND IF PETER JUST SITS IN, DO YOU?" "WELL, ACTUALLY..." "HE'S DOING AN ARTICLE ON ME" "FOR THE MAIL." "HE'S SUCH A LOVELY PERSON." "PETER, THIS IS ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD..." "NIGEL WATT-- W-A-DOUBLE-T." "THAT'S RIGHT, YES." "ACTUALLY, TIMMY, THE THING IS, IT'S A BIT PRIVATE." "OH, YOU DON'T MIND" "IF PETER JUST SITS IN, DO YOU?" "PETER'S WRITING A BOOK ON ME." "PETER, YOU KNOW TONY FROM THE MAIL, DON'T YOU?" "WE MET IN THE TURKISH BATH YESTERDAY." "SUPER, SUPER..." "DID IT COME OUT WELL" "IN THE WRITING YESTERDAY?" "GREAT, GREAT." "YOU TOOK OUT THE TUMMY REFERENCE, DIDN'T YOU?" "YES, I DID." "SUPER, SUPER." "JUST TO FILL YOU IN" "THIS IS NIGEL WATTS" "AND WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART" "H-E-A-R-T." "DO GO ON, NIGEL." "WELL, THE THING IS, TIMMY, UM..." "DO CARRY ON..." "IT'S THE TV TIMES" "ONLY THEY SYNDICATE THESE PHOTOGRAPHS TO AMERICA." "WOULD YOU MIND IF WE JUST..." "SUPER, SUPER." "ONE OVER HERE, I THINK, BOB." "A LITTLE SMILE, PLEASE." "SMASHING, SMASHING." "FEEL FREE, BOB, TO CIRCULATE, WON'T YOU?" "DO GO ON-- THIS IS MOST INTERESTING." "THE THING IS, TIMMY" "I'M A BIT EMBARRASSED." "OH, MR. WILLIAMS" "IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU." "WILL YOU SIGN THIS" "FOR MY LITTLE DAUGHTER, PLEASE?" "HELLO, MARIO." "SUPER, WONDERFUL." "JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE." "Sound man:" "SORRY." "TIMMY, CAN WE JUST GO" "FROM WHERE MARIO COMES IN?" "WE'RE GETTING BAD SOUND, OKAY?" "IT'S GERMAN TELEVISION." "ISN'T IT EXCITING, NIGEL?" "THEY'RE DOING A PRIZEWINNING DOCUMENTARY ON ME." "THE WONDERFUL MR. WILLIAMS, SCENE 239, TAKE 2." "Man offstage:" "SPEED." "ACTION!" "MARIO, HOW SUPER TO SEE YOU!" "HOW ARE THE LOVELY FAMILY?" "PLEASE GIVE YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTER THIS." "THANK YOU." "AND JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE." "YES, SIR." "SUCH A LOVELY WAITER!" "NOW, GO ON, PLEASE." "THIS IS MOST INTERESTING." "WELL, AS I WAS SAYING, TIMMY" "MY WIFE'S GONE..." "GONE." "I'VE GOT THREE CHILDREN, AND I'M AT MY WITS' END." "NO JOB, NO INSURANCE, NO MONEY AT ALL." "I'M ABSOLUTELY FLAT BROKE." "I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN." "I'M ABSOLUTELY AT THE END OF MY TETHER." "YOU'RE MY ONLY CHANCE." "CAN YOU HELP ME, PLEASE, TIMMY?" "SORRY, I WAS ON THE PHONE TO AMERICA." "( laughter )" "IT'S BEEN SUPER HAVING THIS LOVELY LITTLE CHAT." "WE MUST DO THIS AGAIN MORE OFTEN." "WILL YOU GET THE COFFEES?" "I'M AFRAID I MUST DASH." "I'M AN HOUR LATE FOR THE ISRAELI EMBASSY." "( gunshot )" "( things falling, glass breaking )" "DID YOU GET THAT SHOT ALL RIGHT, SOUND?" "YES, FINE." "IT WASN'T A BIT TOO WICKED, WAS IT?" "I MEAN, IT WASN'T TOO CRUEL?" "NO, NO, NO." "IT WAS GREAT." "NO, SUPER..." "WELL, I THINK" "IT SHOWS I'M HUMAN, DON'T YOU?" "YEAH, IT'S GREAT." "WELL, THE CHARABANC'S HERE." "COME ON, EVERYBODY." "BYE!" "( applause )" "TIMMY WILLIAMS COFFEE TIME WAS BROUGHT TO YOU LIVE" "FROM WOPPI'S IN HOLBORN." "( softjazz playing )" "( laughter )" "GOOD EVENING." "I HAVE WITH ME IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT" "ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S LEADING SKIN SPECIALISTS" "RAYMOND LUXURY YACHT." "THAT'S NOT MY NAME." "I'M SORRY, RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T." "NO, NO, NO." "IT'S SPELT "RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T"" "BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED "THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE."" "( laughter )" "YOU ARE A VERY SILLY MAN, AND I'M NOT GOING TO INTERVIEW YOU." "ANTI-SEMITISM." "NOT AT ALL." "IT'S NOT EVEN A PROPER NOSE." "IT'S POLYSTYRENE." "GIVE ME MY NOSE BACK." "YOU CAN COLLECT IT AT RECEPTION" " NOW, GO AWAY." "I WANT TO BE ON TELEVISION." "WELL, YOU CAN'T." "PSST!" "ALL CLEAR." "( woman laughing giddily )" "( train engine chugging )" "( woman continues giggling )" "WHOO, WHEE!" "( laughing )" "Woman:" "HI, THERE, BIG BOY." "Woman:" "HI, THERE, BIG BOY." "Woman 2:" "HEY, CUPIE!" "HELLO, TIGER." "( laughter )" "( laughter )" "TIGER!" "TIGER!" "WHOO, WHEE!" "TIGER." "HEY, TIGER... ( running footsteps )" "( running up stairs )" "EXCUSE ME, I WANT TO GET MARRIED." "I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRIED, SIR." "NO, I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED." "I COULD GET A DIVORCE, I SUPPOSE" "BUT IT WOULD BE A BIT OF A WRENCH." "NO, NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE..." "SEE, WOULD YOU COME TO MY PLACE" "OR SHOULD I HAVE TO COME TO YOURS" "BECAUSE I'VE JUST GOT A BIG MORTGAGE?" "NO, I WANT TO GET MARRIED HERE." "OH, DEAR, I HAD MY HEART SET ON A CHURCH WEDDING." "LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU TO MARRY ME TO..." "I WANT TO MARRY YOU, TOO, SIR" "BUT IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT." "YOU'RE SURE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED." "YES, I WANT TO GET MARRIED VERY QUICKLY." "SUITS ME, SIR, SUITS ME." "I DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU." "THERE IS SUCH A THING" "AS BREACH OF PROMISE, SIR." "LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU" "TO ACT AS REGISTRAR AND MARRY ME." "I WILL MARRY YOU, SIR" "BUT PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR MIND." "PLEASE DON'T TRIFLE WITH MY AFFECTIONS." "I'M SORRY, BUT..." "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR." "I FORGIVE YOU" " LOVERS' TIFF." "YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO ASK ME TODAY." "I'VE TURNED DOWN SEVERAL PEOPLE ALREADY." "LOOK, I'M ALREADY ENGAGED." "YES, AND I'M ALREADY MARRIED." "STILL WE'LL GET ROUND IT." "Man 2:" "GOOD MORNING, I WANT TO GET MARRIED." "I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRYING" "THIS GENTLEMAN, SIR." "WELL, CAN I GET MARRIED AFTER HIM?" "WELL, DIVORCE ISN'T AS QUICK AS THAT, SIR." "STILL, IF YOU'RE KEEN." "Man 3:" "I WANT TO GET MARRIED, PLEASE." "HEAVENS, IT'S MY LUCKY DAY, ISN'T IT?" "ALL RIGHT." "YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT" "TILL I'VE MARRIED THESE TWO, SIR." "WHAT, THOSE TWO, GETTING MARRIED?" "NIGEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING MARRYING HIM?" "HE'S MARRYING ME, FIRST, SIR." "HE'S ENGAGED TO ME." "COME ON, HENRY." "BLIMEY, THE WIFE." "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" "I'M ALREADY MARRIED." "WELL, THINGS TURNED OUT" "ALL RIGHT IN THE END" "BUT YOU MUSTN'TASK HOW, BECAUSE IT'S NAUGHTY." "THEY'REALL MARRIED AND LIVING QUITE WELL" "IN A COUNCIL ESTA TE NEAR DULWICH." "( woman humming )" "TODAY I WANT TO TELL YOU A STORY." "ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS AN ENCHANTED PRINCE" "WHO RULED THE LAND BEYOND THE WUBBLES." "ONE DAY, HE DISCOVERED A SPOT ON HIS FACE." "FOOLISHLY, HE IGNORED IT." "AND THREE YEARS LATER HE DIED OF..." "AND THREE YEARS LATER HE DIED OF..." "Woman:" "THE SPOT, HOWEVER, FLOURISHED" "AND SOON SET OUT TO SEEK ITS FORTUNE." "( splatting )" "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH." "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH." "( splat )" "( muffled talking )" "( hilarious laughing )" "( splat )" "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" "( splatting )" "( panting )" "( smooching )" "( romantic musicplaying )" "( church bells pealing )" "Woman:" "AGNES, DID YOU SEE WHO JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR?" "Agnes:" "YES, BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES." "Woman 1:" "OOH, THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD" "THEM AND THEIR SMELLY COOKING." "Agnes:" "AND THE NOISE." "Woman 1:" "AND THEY BREED LIKE RABBITS." "Agnes:" "OH, YES." "( spots splatting incessantly )" "HELLO, AND WELCOME TO ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL." "THERE'S GREAT EXCITEMENT HERE AT THE MOMENT" "AS WE SHOULD BE GETTING THE FIRST RESULT THROUGH" "ANY MOMENT NOW;" "WE DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WILL BE FROM." "IT MIGHT BE FROM LEICESTER OR FROM LUTON." "THE POLLING'S BEEN QUITE HEAVY IN BOTH AREAS." "OH, WAIT A MOMENT-- I'M JUST GETTING" "A LOUD BUZZING NOISE IN MY LEFT EAR." "EXCUSE ME A MOMENT." "( buzzing )" "( grunts )" "ANYWAY, LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER" "TO JAMES GILBERT AT LEICESTER." "GiLbert:" "WELL, IT'SA STRAIGHT FIGHT HEREAT LEICESTER." "ON THE LEFT OF THE RETURNING OFFICER" "YOU CAN SEEARTHUR SMITH, THE SENSIBLE CANDIDA TE" "AND HISAGENT, AND ON THE OTHER SIDE IS" "THE SILLY CANDIDA TE, JETHRO WALRUSTITTY" "WITH HISAGENTAND HIS WIFE." "( officer clearing throat )" "HERE IS THE RESULT FOR LEICESTER:" "ARTHUR J. SMITH..." "SENSIBLE PARTY." "Officer:" "30,612." "( crowd cheering )" "JETHRO Q. WALRUSTITTY." "SILLY PARTY." "Officer:" "32,108." "( crowd cheering )" "WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST RESULT" "AND THE SILLY PARTY HAVE HELD LEICESTER." "WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT, NORMAN?" "WELL, THIS IS LARGELY AS I PREDICTED" "EXCEPT THAT THE SILLY PARTY WON." "( laughter )" "BUT THEN, THIS IS MAINLY DUE" "TO THE NUMBER OF VOTES CAST" " GERALD." "WELL, THERE'S A SWING HERE TO THE SILLY PARTY" "BUT HOW BIG A SWING I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU." "WELL, IF I MAY, I THINK THE INTERESTING THING HERE" "IS THE BIG SWING TO THE SILLY PARTY" "AND OF COURSE, THE VERY LARGE SWING BACK TO THE SENSIBLE PARTY" "AND A TENDENCY TO WOBBLE UP AND DOWN IN THE MIDDLE" "BECAUSE THE SCREW IS LOOSE." "I'M AFRAID I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING." "I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT" " COLIN?" "CAN I JUST BUTT IN AT THIS POINT AND SAY THIS IS IN FACT" "THE VERY FIRST TIME I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION?" "NO, WE HAVEN'T TIME BECAUSE WE'RE GOING" "STRAIGHT OVER TO LUTON." "HEREAT LUTON" "IT'SA THREE-CORNERED FIGHT" "BETWEEN ALANJONES, SENSIBLE PARTY, IN THE MIDDLE" "TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG" " OLE-BISCUITBARREL" "SILLY PARTY" "AND KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG, THE SLIGHTLY SILLY CANDIDA TE." "Officer:" "ALAN JONES..." "ON THE LEFT, SENSIBLE PARTY." "Officer:" "9,112." "( cheering, applause )" "KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG..." "ON THE RIGHT, SLIGHTLY SILLY." "Officer:" "NAUGHT." "TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG" " OLE-BISCUITBARREL..." "SILLY." "Officer:" "12,441." "( cheering )" "AND SO THE SILLY PARTY HAS TAKEN LUTON." "A GAIN FOR THE SILLY PARTY AT LUTON" "THE FIRST GAIN OF THE ELECTION" " NORMAN." "WELL, THIS IS A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT RESULT." "LUTON, NORMALLY A VERY SENSIBLE CONSTITUENCY" "WITH A HIGH PROPORTION OF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T A BIT SILLY" "HAS GONE COMPLETELY GAGA." "DO WE HAVE THE SWING AT LUTON?" "WELL, I'VE WORKED OUT THE SWING, BUT IT'S A SECRET." "( laughter )" "ER..." "WELL, AH, THERE..." "THERE ISN'T THE SWING, AND HOW ABOUT THE SWONG?" "WELL, I'VE GOT THE SWONG HERE IN THIS BOX, AND IT'S LOOKING FINE." "I CAN SEE THROUGH THE BREATHING HOLES" "THAT IT'S EATING UP PEANUTS AT A RATE OF KNOTS." "AND HOW ABOUT THE SWANG?" "WELL, IT'S 29% UP OVER 600 FEET" "BUT IT'S A LITTLE BIT SOFT AROUND THE EDGES ABOUT..." "WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE NYLON DOT CARDIGAN" "AND PLASTIC MULE REST?" "Anchorman:" "THERE'S NO SUCH THING." "THANK YOU, SPIKE." "CAN I JUST COME IN HERE AND SAY" "THAT THE SWONG HAS CHOKED ITSELF TO DEATH?" "WELL, THE ELECTION'S REALLY BEGINNING TO HOT UP NOW." "I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT." "CAN I JUST ADD AT THIS POINT THIS IS IN FACT THE SECOND TIME" "I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION?" "I'M SORRY, SASHA, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO GET ANOTHER RESULT." "HELLO, FROM HARPENDEN." "THIS ISA KEY SEA T, BECAUSE IN ADDITION" "TO THE OFFICIAL SILLY CANDIDA TE" "THERE ISAN INDEPENDENT VERY SILLY CANDIDA TE" "WHO MA Y SPLIT THE SILLY VOTE." "Officer:" "MR. ELSIE ZZZZZZZZZ...." "SILLY." "Officer:" "26,317... ( cheering )" "JAMES WALKER..." "SENSIBLE." "26,318." "THAT WAS CLOSE." "Officer:" "MALCOLM PETER BRIAN TELESCOPE ADRIAN UMBRELLA STAND JASPER" "WEDNESDAY ( makes mouth noises ) STOATGOBBLER JOHN RAW VEGETABLE" "( whinnies )" "ARTHUR NORMAN MICHAEL" "( blowing squeaker )" "FEATHERSTONE SMITH" "( blows whistle )" "NORTHGOT EDWARDS HARRIS" "( fires pistol )" "( whooping )" "MASON" "CHUF, CHUF, CHUF" "FRAMPTON JONES FRUITBAT GILBERT..." "WE'LL KEEP A WELCOME IN THE... ( three shots )" "WILLIAMS "IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY" JENKIN" "( squeaker )" "TIGER DRAWERS PRATT THOMPSON" "RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD" "DARCY CARTER" "( blows horn )" "PUSSYCAT" "DON'T SLEEP IN THE SUBWAY" "BARTON MANNERING" "( whoops )" "SMITH." "VERY SILLY." "Officer:" "TWO." "WELL, THERE YOU HA VE IT" "A SENSIBLE GAIN HEREAT DRIFFIELD." "NORMAN." "WELL, I'VE JUST HEARD" "FROM LUTON THAT MY AUNTIE'S ILL" "POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY GASTROENTERITIS" " GERALD." "WELL, IF THIS WERE REPEATED OVER THE WHOLE COUNTRY" "IT'D PROBABLY BE VERY MESSY" " COLIN." "CAN I JUST BUTT IN AND SAY HERE THAT IT'S PROBABLY THE LAST TIME" "I SHALL EVER APPEAR ON TELEVISION?" "NO, I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T." "WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME." "JUST TO BRING YOU UP TO DATE" "WITH THE FEW RESULTS THAT YOU MAY HAVE MISSED" "ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK HAS TAKEN BARROW-IN-FURNESS." "THAT'S A GAIN FROM ANN HAYDON- JONES AND HER HUSBAND PIP." "ARTHUR NEGUS HAS HELD BRISTOLS." "THAT'S NOT A RESULT, THAT'S A BIT OF GOSSIP." "AND ER..." "MARY WHITEHOUSE HAS JUST TAKEN UMBRAGE." "COULD BE A BIT OF TROUBLE THERE." "AND APPARENTLY WALES IS NOT SWINGING AT ALL." "NO SURPRISE THERE." "AND MONTY PYTHON HAS HELD THE CREDITS." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( cheering and applause )" "AS THE ONCE-MIGHTY ROMAN EMPIRE CRUMBLED" "THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF WESTERN EUROPE LA Y INVITINGLY EXPOSED" "TO THE BARBARIAN HORDES TO THE EAST." "ALARIC THE VISIGOTH, GAISERIC THE VANDAL" "AND THEODORIC THE OSTROGOTH IN TURN SWEPT WESTWARD" "IN A REIGN OF TERROR." "BUT NONE SURPASSED IN POWER AND CRUELTY" "THE MIGHTYATTILA THE HUN." "Announcer:" "LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT'S THEATTILA THE HUN SHOW." "( audience laughter )" "(The Debbie Reynolds Show theme song plays )" "OPEN YOUR HEART AND SEE WHERE IT'S NEEDED" "WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE" "FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART WHEN YOU'VE SUCCEEDED" "MAKING ALL THE SENSE OF LIFE" "GETTING SOME SUN IN YOUR LIFE" "MAKING ALL THE CLOUDS ROLL BY" "GETTING SOME SUN IN YOUR LIFE" "AND YOU CAN LIGHT" "LIGHT UP A GLOOM-CAST SKY" "COLOR THE GLOOMIEST DAY" "CHASE ALL YOUR CARES AWAY" "WITH A LITTLE LOVE, JUST A LITTLE LOVE" "WITH A LITTLE LOVE" "Chorus:" "JUSTA LITTLE LOVE" "WITH A LITTLE LOVE..." "Narrator:" "IN THE SECOND QUARTER OF THE FIFTH CENTURY" "THE HUNS BECAMEA BYWORD FOR MERCILESS SA VAGERY." "THEIR KHAN WAS THE MIGHTY WARRIOR, ATTILA." "WITH HIS DEVASTA TING ARMIES, HE SWEPTACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE." "( in American accent ):" "OH, DARLING, I'M HOME!" "( canned laughter )" "HELLO, DARLING." "HAVE A BUSY DAY AT THE OFFICE?" "NOT AT ALL BAD." "ANOTHER MERCILESS SWEEP ACROSS CENTRAL EUROPE." "( canned laughter )" "WELL, I WON'T SAY I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU" "BUT, BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!" "( canned laughter )" "( canned cheering )" "HI, DADDY." "( canned laughter )" "HI, DADDY." "( canned laughter )" "HI, JENNY, HI, ROBBY." "( canned cheering )" "HEY, I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU TWO KIDS" "IN THAT BAG." "IN THAT BAG." "( canned laughter )" "I WANT YOU KIDS TO GET "A-HEAD."" "( canned laughter and cheering )" "HEAH YOU ARE, MISTER HUN." "( canned applause )" "HI, UNCLE TOM." "THERE'S A WHOLE HORDE O' DEM MARAUDIN' VISIGOTHS" "TO SEE Y'ALL." "( canned laughter )" "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." "IT'S... ( canned cheering )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with fart )" "YES, IT'SATTILA THE NUN!" "A SIMPLE COUNTRY GIRL WHO TOOK A VOW OF ETERNAL BRUTALITY." "( grunting, growling )" "NURSE!" "HELLO, MISS NORRIS, HOW ARE YOU?" "NOT TOO BAD, THANK YOU, DOCTOR." "YES, WELL, I THINK I'D BETTER EXAMINE YOU." "UM, WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?" "Doctor:" "UH, IT'S ALL RIGHT" "THEY'RE STUDENTS." "UM..." "LIGHT, PLEASE, NURSE." "OH, AND UH, MUSIC, TOO." "( striptease musicplays )" "BREATHE IN..." "OUT." "Doctor:" "IN..." "OUT." "IN..." "THANK YOU, THANK YOU." "CHARLES CROMPTON, THE STRIPPING DOCTOR." "AND NEXT, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, HERE AT THE PEEPHOLE CLUB" "FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE" "FOR THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS." "GOOD EVENING." "TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO RESTATE" "OUR POSITION ON AGRICULTURAL SUBSIDIES" "AND THEIR EFFECT ON OUR COMMONWEALTH RELATIONSHIPS." "( striptease musicplaying )" "NOW, ALTHOUGH WE BELIEVE, THEORETICALLY" "IN ENDING GUARANTEED FARM PRICES" "WE ALSO BELIEVE IN THE NEED FOR A CORRESPONDING IMPORT LEVY" "TO MAINTAIN CONSUMER PRICES AT A REALISTIC LEVEL." "BUT THIS WOULD HAVE THE EFFECT OF CONSOLIDATING" "OUR GAINS OF THE PREVIOUS FISCAL YEAR PRIOR TO THE ENTRY." "BUT I PLEDGE THAT, SHOULD WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET" "EVEN MAINTAINING THE PRESENT POSITION ON SUBSIDIES" "WE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE, WE WILL NEVER COMPROMISE" "OUR UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE COMMONWEALTH COUNTRIES." "A PRICES STRUCTURE RELATED TO ANY IMPORT CHARGES" "WILL BE SYSTEMATICALLY ADJUSTED TO THE PARTICULAR REQUIREMENTS" "OF OUR COMMONWEALTH PARTNERS." "( laughter )" "SO THAT TOGETHER WE WILL MAINTAIN" "A POSITIVE AND MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL ALLIANCE" "IN WORLD TRADE AND FOR WORLD PEACE." "THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT." "( scattered applause )" "WASN'T HE MARVELOUS?" "THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR COMMONWEALTH AFFAIRS." "AND NOW, GENTLEMEN AND LADIES, A VERY BIG WELCOME, PLEASE" "FOR THE MINISTER OF PENSIONS AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY." "( belly dancing musicplays )" "( "Pomp and Circumstance"plays )" "Narrator:" "YES, TODA Y IN BRITAIN THERE IS" "A NEW WA VE OF INTEREST IN POLITICSAND POLITICIANS." "WELL, WE'RE IN IT FOR THE LOBBYING, YOU KNOW." "WE JUST LOVE LOBBYING." "AND THE DEBATES." "YOU KNOW, A GOOD DEBATE IS JUST FABULOUS." "WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING WITH MINISTERS FOR FIVE YEARS NOW" "AND, UH, YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL." "OH, YES, I LIKE CIVIL SERVANTS." "OH, YES, THEY'RE NICE." "I..." "I LIKE THE SPEAKER." "OH, YEAH." "I LIKE BLACK ROD." "WHAT DO THEIR PARENTS THINK?" "WELL, SHE'S BROKEN OUR HEARTS, THE LITTLE BASTARD." "SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE" "AND IF SHE COMES ROUND HERE AGAIN, I'LL KICK HER TEETH IN." "( door closes )" "HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO TELEVISION AGAIN, DEAR?" "YES, I BLOODY TOLD 'EM." "WHAT ABOUT?" "I DON'T KNOW." "WAS IT REGINALD BOSANQUET?" "NO, NO, NO." "DID HE HAVE HIS HEAD ALL BANDAGED?" "NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT." "THEY HAD LOTS OF LIGHTS" "AND CAMERAS AND TAPE RECORDERS" "ALL THAT SORT OF THING." "OH, THAT'LL BE RAY BAXTER" "AND THE BOYS AND GIRLS FROM TOMORROW'S WORLD." "OOH, I PREFER REGINALD BOSANQUET." "THERE'S NOT SO MANY OF 'EM." "( doorbell rings )" "OH, THAT'LL BE THE RATCATCHER." "HELLO, MR. AND MRS. CONCRETE?" "YES?" "WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL" "WELL, HOW VERY NICE." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF." "I'M LESLIE AMES, THE CHAIRMAN OF THE TEST SELECTION COMMITTEE" "AND I'M VERY PLEASED TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU" "THAT YOUR FLAT HAS BEEN CHOSEN" "AS THE VENUE FOR THE THIRD TEST AGAINST THE WEST INDIES." "REALLY?" "NO, IT WAS JUST A LITTLE JOKE." "ACTUALLY I'M THE COUNCIL RATCATCHER." "OH, YES, WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU." "OH, I GATHER YOU'VE GOT" "A LITTLE RODENTAL PROBLEM." "OH, BLIMEY!" "YOU'D THINK" "HE WAS AWAKE ALL THE NIGHT" "SCRABBLING DOWN BY THE WAINSCOTTING." "MMM, THAT'S AN INTERESTING WORD, ISN'T IT?" "WHAT?" "WAINSCOTTING." "WAINSCOTTING, WAINSCOTTING." "SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE DORSET VILLAGE." "WAINSCOTTING." "WE'VE BEEN MENTIONED ON TELLY!" "UH, WHERE IS IT WORST?" "WELL, DOWN HERE" "YOU CAN USUALLY HEAR THEM." "SHH!" "SHH!" "SHH!" "( bleating )" "NO, THAT'S SHEEP YOU'VE GOT THERE." "( bleating continues )" "NO, THAT'S DEFINITELY SHEEP." "A BIT OF A PUZZLE, REALLY." "IS IT?" "YEAH, WELL, I MEAN IT'S "A," NOT GOING TO RESPOND" "TO A NICE PIECE OF CHEESE" "AND "B," IT ISN'T GOING TO FIT INTO A TRAP." "OH, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?" "WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK FOR THE HOLE." "OH, YEAH." "UH..." "OOH..." "HEY!" "THERE'S ONE HERE." "NO, NO, NO, THAT'S MICE." "( laughter )" "OH!" "THIS IS WHAT WE'RE AFTER!" "( laughter )" "EXCUSE ME, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE?" "NO, NO, THAT WAS A JOKE, IT'S A JOKE." "( laughter )" "RIGHT!" "WELL, I'M GOING IN THE WAINSCOTTING." "THEY SAID IT AGAIN!" "LAY DOWN SOME SHEEP POISON." "OOH." "( bleating )" "( gunshot )" "( yelling in pain )" "OOH, IT'S GOT A GUN!" "OOH!" "BLIMEY." "NOW, NORMALLY A SHEEP IS" "A PLACID, TIMID CREATURE" "BUT YOU'VE GOT A KILLER!" "( laughter )" "IT'S AN ENTIRELY NEW STRAIN OF SHEEP" " A KILLER SHEEP" "THAT CAN NOT ONLY HOLD A RIFLE" "BUT IS ALSO A FIRST-CLASS SHOT." "BUT WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM, PROFESSOR?" "THAT I DON'T KNOW." "I JUST DON'T KNOW." "I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW." "I'M AFRAID I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW." "I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW." "I HAVE TO TELL YOU" "I'M AFRAID EVEN I REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW." "I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT..." "THANK YOU." "I DON'T KNOW." "OUR ONLY CLUE IS THIS PORTION OF WOLF'S CLOTHING" "WHICH THE KILLER SHEEP..." "WAS WEARING..." "IN YESTERDAY'S RAID ON SELFRIDGES." "I'LL CARRY OUT TESTS ON IT" "STRAIGHT AWAY, PROFESSOR." "( in Jamaican accent ):" "HELLO, IS THE THIRD TEST IN HERE, PLEASE?" "( laughter )" "PROFESSOR, THERE ARE SOME CRICKETERS" "IN THE LABORATORY." "THIS MAY BE EVEN MORE SERIOUS" "THAN EVEN I HAD AT FIRST BEEN IMAGINING." "WHAT A STRANGE, STRANGE LINE." "THERE'S NO TIME TO WASTE!" "GET ME THE CHIEF COMMISSIONER OF POLICE." "YES, SIR." "NO, NO, ON THE PHONE!" "LOOK OF FEAR!" "ANOTHER STRANGE LINE." "LOOK OUT, MISS GARTER OIL!" "PROFESSOR, WHAT IS IT?" "WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN?" "LOOK, THERE IN THE DOORWAY!" "( screams )" "ARTHUR X, LEADER OF THE PENNINE GANG." "DON'T NOBODY MOVE." "ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE'RE PUTTIN' PLAN "A" INTO OPERATION." "BUGSY, LOUIE, MOVE OUT." "( gunfire )" "NEXT" " BASIL, YOU AND THE KID" " MOVE." "( gunfire )" "OKAY, BOYS, THIS TIME WE GO FOR THE HEAVY STUFF." "( explosion )" "( banjo and bass play "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" )" "BUT SOON THE KILLER SHEEP BEGAN TO INFECT OTHER ANIMALS" "WITH ITS STARTLING INTELLIGENCE." "PUSSYCATS BEGAN TO ARRANGE MORTGAGES." "COCKER SPANIELS BEGAN TO DESIGN SUPERMARKETS." "AND PARROTS STARTED TO ANNOUNCE TELEVISION PROGRAMS." "IT'S 8:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS." "GOOD EVENING, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR PARROTS." "NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE M-1 TODAY" "WHEN A LORRY CARRYING HIGH- OCTANE FUEL WAS IN COLLISION" "WITH A BOLLARD." "THAT IS A BOLLARD AND NOT A PARROT." "A SPOKESMAN FOR PARROTS SAID" "HE WAS GLAD NO PARROTS WERE INVOLVED." "( laughter )" "THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY TODAY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS" "TO DISCUSS A Pound4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL." "NONE OF THEM WENT IN THE CAGE" "OR SWUNG ON THE LITTLE WOODEN TRAPEZE" "OR ATE ANY OF THE NICE MILLET SEED" " YUM, YUM." "THAT'S THE END OF THE NEWS." "NOW OUR PROGRAMS FOR PARROTS CONTINUE" "WITH PART THREE OF A TALE OF TWO CITIES" "SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR PARROTS BY JOEY BOY." "THE STORY SO FAR:" "DR. MANETTE IS IN ENGLAND, AFTER 18 YEARS IN THE BASTILLE." "HIS DAUGHTER, LUCY, AWAITS HER LOVER, CHARLES DARNAY" "WHOM WE HAVE JUST LEARNED" "IS IN FACT THE NEPHEW OF THE MARQUIS de ST." "EVREMONDE" "WHOSE CRUELTY HAD PLACED MANETTE IN THE BASTILLE." "DARNAY ARRIVES TO FIND LUCY TENDING HER AGED FATHER." "( imitating parrot ):" "'ALLO, 'ALLO!" "'ALLO, 'ALLO, 'ALLO!" "WHO'S A PRETTY BOY, THEN?" "WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?" "( all squawking at once )" "AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR GIBBONS." "NO GIBBONS WERE INVOLVED..." "Announcer:" "AND WHILE THAT'S GOING ON, HERE FROM WESTMINSTER" "ISA PARLIAMENTARY REPORT FOR HUMANS." "IN THE DEBATE, A SPOKESMAN ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT" "OF BEING SILLY AND DOING NOT AT ALL GOOD THINGS." "THE MEMBER ACCEPTED THIS IN A SPIRIT OF HEALTHY CRITICISM" "BUT DENIED THAT HE'D EVER BEEN NAUGHTY WITH A CHOIRBOY." "ANGRY SHOUTS OF "WHAT ABOUT THE WATERMELON, THEN?"" "WERE ORDERED BY THE SPEAKER TO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD" "AND PUT INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG IN THE LAVVY." "ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS WOULD BE CUT OFF" "AND DISTRIBUTED AMONGST THE POOR." "FOR THE GOVERNMENT, A FRONT BENCH SPOKESMAN SAID" "THE AGRICULTURAL TARIFF WOULD HAVE TO BE RAISED" "AND HE FANCIED A BIT." "FURTHERMORE, HE ARGUED" "THIS WOULD GIVE A LARGE BOOST TO FARMERS, AND A LOT OF FUN" "TO HIM, HIS FRIEND AND MISS MOIST OF KNIGHTSBRIDGE." "FROM THE BACK BENCHES" "THERE WERE OPPOSITION SHOUTS OF "POSTCARDS FOR SALE!"" "AND A HEALTHY CRY OF "WHO LIKES A SAILOR, THEN?"" "FROM THE MINISTER WITHOUT PORTFOLIO." "( laughter )" "REPLYING, THE SHADOW MINISTER SAID" "HE COULD NO LONGER DENY THE RUMORS" "BUT HE AND THE DACHSHUND WERE VERY HAPPY." "AND, IN ANY CASE, HE ARGUED, RHUBARB WAS CHEAP" "AND WHAT WAS THE HARM IN A SAUNA BATH." "...WERE NOT INVOLVED." "THE MINISTER OF TECHNOLOGY MET THE THREE RUSSIAN LEADERS TODAY" "TO DISCUSS A Pound4 MILLION AIRLINER DEAL." "NONE OF THEM WERE INDIGENOUS TO AUSTRALIA" "CARRIED THEIR BABIES IN POUCHES" "OR ATE ANY OF THOSE YUMMY EUCALYPTUS LEAVES." "YUM, YUM." "THAT'S THE NEWS FOR WOMBATS, AND NOW ATTILA THE BUN!" "( shouting viciously )" "WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR ATTILA THE BUN." "AND NOW, IDIOTS." "Announcer:" "ARTHUR FIGGIS ISAN IDIOT, A VILLAGE IDIOT." "TONIGHT WE LOOK AT THE IDIOT IN SOCIETY." "( intelligently ):" "WELL, I FEEL VERY KEENLY" "THAT THE IDIOT IS A PART OF THE OLD VILLAGE SYSTEM" "AND, AS SUCH, HAS A VITAL ROLE TO PLAY" "IN THE MODERN RURAL SOCIETY, BECAUSE, YOU SEE..." "OOH, AR, OOH, AR!" "( babbling incoherently )" "OOH, AR, THANKEE, VICAR." "BECAUSE THERE IS THIS VERY REAL NEED IN SOCIETY" "FOR SOMEONE WHOM ALMOST ANYONE CAN LOOK DOWN ON AND RIDICULE." "AND THIS IS THE ROLE THAT... ( babbling )" "THANK YOU, MRS. THOMPSON." "THIS IS THE ROLE THAT I AND MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY" "HAVE FULFILLED IN THIS VILLAGE FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS." "AH, GOOD MORNING, MR. JENKINS." "I.C.I. HAVE INCREASED THEIR HALF-YEARLY DIVIDEND, I SEE." "YES, SPLENDID." "THAT'S MR. JENKINS, HE'S ANOTHER IDIOT." "AND SO, YOU SEE, THE IDIOT DOES PROVIDE" "A VITAL PSYCHO-SOCIAL SERVICE FOR THIS COMMUNITY." "OH, EXCUSE ME." "A COACH PARTY'S JUST ARRIVED." "I SHALL HAVE TO FALL OFF THE WALL, I'M AFRAID." "( babbling )" "( crash )" "ARTHUR TAKES IDIOTTING SERIOUSL Y." "HE IS UP AT 6:00 EVERY MORNING" "WORKING ON SPECIAL TRAINING EQUIPMENT" "DESIGNED TO KEEP HIM SILLY." "( laughter )" "AND, OF COURSE, HE TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN HISAPPEARANCE." "LIKE THE DOCTOR, THE BLACKSMITH, THE CARPENTER" "MR. FIGGIS ISAN IMPORTANT FIGURE IN THIS VILLAGE." "LIKE THEM, HE USES THE LOCAL BANK." "YES, WE HAVE QUITE A NUMBER OF IDIOTS BANKING HERE." "Interviewer:" "WHAT KIND OF MONEY" "IS THERE IN IDIOTTING?" "WELL, NOWADAYS, THE REALLY BLITHERING IDIOT CAN MAKE" "ANYTHING UP TO Pound10,000 A YEAR" "IF HE'S THE HEAD OF SOME BIG INDUSTRIAL COMBINE." "BUT, OF COURSE, THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED IDIOT" "STILL REFUSES TO TAKE MONEY." "HE TAKES BITS OF STRING, WOOD" "DEAD BUDGERIGARS, SPARROWS, ANYTHING." "BUT IT DOES MAKE THE CASHIER'S JOB VERY DIFFICULT." "BUT, OF COURSE, THEY'RE FOOLS TO THEMSELVES" "BECAUSE THE RATE OF INTEREST OVER TEN YEARS" "ON A PIECE OF MOSS OR A DEAD VOLE" "IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE." "IS ALMOST NEGLIGIBLE." "YES?" "HOLLYWOOD ON THE PHONE." "I'LL TAKE IT IN THE OFFICE." "BUTMR." "FIGGIS IS NO ORDINARY IDIOT." "HE ISA LECTURER IN IDIOCY" "AT THE UNIVERSITY OF EASTANGLIA." "HERE HE IS TAKING A CLASS OF THIRD-YEAR STUDENTS." "( babbling and singing )" "AFTER THREE YEARS OF STUDY" "THESEAPPRENTICE IDIOTS RECEIVE A DIPLOMA OF IDIOCY" "A HANDFUL OFMUD..." "AND A KICK ON THE HEAD." "SOME OF THE OLDER IDIOTS RESENT THE GRADUA TE IDIOT." "I'M A COMPLETELY SELF-TAUGHT IDIOT." "I MEAN..." "( mumbles incoherently )" "NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE." "ANYBODY WHO DID THAT ROUND HERE" "WOULD BE LAUGHED OFF THE STREET." "NO, NOWADAYS, PEOPLE WANT SOMETHING WITTIER." "KEVIN O'NASSIS WORKS LARGELY WITH WALLS." "WHOA!" "O'Nassis:" "WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING." "I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M MAD." "THE VILLAGERS SAY I'M MAD, THE TOURISTS SAY I'M MAD." "WELL, I AM MAD, BUT I'M NATURALLY MAD." "I DON'T USE ANY CHEMICALS." "WHOA!" "BUT WHAT OF THE IDIOT'S PRIVA TE LIFE?" "HOWABOUT HIS RELA TIONSHIP WITH WOMEN?" "WELL, I MAY BE AN IDIOT, BUT I'M NO FOOL." "( laughter )" "BUT THE VILLAGE IDIOT'S DIRTY SMOCKAND WALL-FALLING" "AREA FAR CRY FROM THE MODERN WORLD OF THE URBAN IDIOT." "WHAT KINDS OF BACKGROUNDS DO THESE CITY IDIOTS COME FROM?" "( screeching unintelligibly )" "UH..." "UH..." "( mumbling unintelligibly )" "THE HEADQUARTERS OF THESE URBAN IDIOTS" "IS HERE IN ST." "JOHN'S WOOD." "INSIDE, THEY CAN ENJOY THE COMPANY OF OTHER IDIOTS" "AND WATCH SPECIAL PERFORMANCES OF RITUAL IDIOTTING." "WELL LEFT." "WELL-PLAYED." "WELL, WELL." "WELL-BRED." "( groans )" "Commentator:" "GOOD AFTERNOON AND WELCOME TO LORDS" "ON THE SECOND DAY OF THE FIRST TEST." "SO FAR TODAY, WE'VE HAD FIVE HOURS BATTING FROM ENGLAND" "AND ALREADY THEY'RE NAUGHT FOR NAUGHT." "COWDREY IS NOT OUT NAUGHT, AND NAUGHTON IS NOT IN." "KNOTT IS IN AND IS NAUGHT FOR NOT OUT." "NAUGHTON OF NORTHANTS GOT A NASTY KNOCK ON THE NUT" "IN THE NETS LAST NIGHT, BUT IT'S NOTHING OF NOTE." "NEXT IN IS NAT NEWTON OF NOTTS." "NOT NUTTING" " NUTTING'S AT NINE." "NUTTING KNOCKED NEATIE NIGHTIE KNOCK..." "KNOCK... ( babbling )" "ANYWAY, ENGLAND HAVE PLAYED EXTREMELY WELL FOR NOTHING" "NOT A SAUSAGE" " IN REPLY" "TO ICELAND'S FIRST INNINGS TOTAL OF 722 FOR TWO DECLARED" "SCORED YESTERDAY DISAPPOINTINGLY FAST IN ONLY 21 OVERS" "WITH LOTS OF WILD SLOGGING AND BOUNDARIES" "AND ALL SORTS OF RUBBISHY THINGS." "BUT THE MAIN THING IS THAT ENGLAND HAVE MADE" "AN ABSOLUTELY OUTSTANDING START SO FAR." "( wheezes, then sniffs )" "PETER?" "SPLENDID." "JUST LISTEN TO THOSE THIGHS." "AND NOW IT'S THE NORTH EAST'S TURN WITH THE SAMBA" " BRIAN?" "RATHER I'M REMINDED OF THE STORY" "OF GUBBY ALLEN IN '32..." "OH, SHUT UP OR WE'LL CLOSE THE BAR." "AND NOW BO WILDEBURG IS RUNNING UP TO BOWL TO COWDREY." "HE RUNS UP, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY..." "AND NO SHOT AT ALL." "EXTREMELY WELL NOT PLAYED THERE." "YES, BEAUTIFULLY NOT DONE ANYTHING ABOUT." "A SUPERB SHOT OF NO KIND WHATSOEVER." "I WELL REMEMBER PLUM WARNER" "LEAVING A VERY SIMILAR BALL ALONE IN 1732." "OH, SHUT UP, LONG NOSE." "( laughter )" "AND NOW IT'S BO WILDEBURG RUNNING IN AGAIN" "TO BOWL TO COWDREY." "HE RUNS IN, HE BOWLS TO COWDREY..." "AND NO SHOT AT ALL." "A SUPERB DISPLAY OF INERTIA THERE." "AND THAT'S THE END OF THE OVER, AND DRINKS." "GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE." "NO, NO, THE PLAYERS ARE HAVING DRINKS." "AND NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?" "I THINK COWDREY'S BEING TAKEN..." "YES, COWDREY IS BEING CARRIED OFF." "WELL, I NEVER!" "NOW, WHO'S IN NEXT?" "IT SHOULD BE NUMBER THREE, NATT NEWTON OF NOTTS." "GET YOUR HAND OFF MY THIGH, WEST." "NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS." "I THINK IT'S..." "IT'S THE SOFA..." "NO, IT'S THE CHESTERFIELD." "THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD IS COMING IN AT NUMBER THREE" "TO TAKE GUARD NOW." "I WELL REMEMBER A SIMILAR DIVAN" "BEING BROUGHT ON AT HEADINGLEY IN 9 B.C." "AGAINST THE DARKIES." "OH, SHUT UP, ELEPHANT SNOUT." "AND NOW THE GREEN CHESTERFIELD HAS TAKEN GUARD" "AND, AH!" "ICELAND ARE PUTTING ON THEIR SPIN DRYER TO BOWL." "THE SPIN DRYER MOVING BACK TO HIS MARK" "IT RUNS OUT TO THE WICKET, BOWLS TO THE TABLE..." "A LITTLE BIT SHORT, BUT IT'S COMING IN A BIT THERE" "AND IT'S HIT HIM ON THE PAD!" "THERE'S AN APPEAL AND THE TABLE IS OUT" " LEG BEFORE WICKET." "THAT IS ENGLAND NAUGHT FOR ONE." "AND NOW WE LEA VE LORDSAND GO OVER TO EPSOM FOR THE 3:00." "Commentator:" "WELL, HERE AT EPSOM, WE TAKE UP THE RUNNING" "WITH 50 YARDS OF THIS MILE-AND-A-HALF RACE TO GO" "AND IT'S THE WASH BASIN IN THE LEAD FROM W.C. PEDESTAL." "TUCKED IN NICELY THERE IS THE SOFA GOING VERY WELL" "WITH JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX" "MAKING A GOOD RUN FROM HAT STAND ON THE RAILS." "AND THE STANDARD LAMP IS FADING FAST" "BUT IT'S WASH BASIN DEFINITELY TAKING UP THE RUNNING NOW" "BEING STRONGLY PRESSED BY W.C." "AT THE POST, IT'S THE WASH BASIN FROM W.C." "THEN SOFA, HAT STAND, STANDARD LAMP" "AND LASTLY, JOANNA SOUTHCOTT'S BOX." "OPEN THE BOX!" "OPEN THE BOX!" "OPEN THE BOX!" "OPEN THE BOX!" "AND COULD WE HAVE THE NEXT CONTENDER, PLEASE?" "( audience laughter )" "( chuckling )" "GOOD EVENING, MADAM." "AND YOUR NAME IS?" "YES, YES." "AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "I GO TO CHURCH REGULARLY." "JOLLY GOOD, I SEE." "AND WHICH PRIZE DO YOU HAVE" "PARTICULAR EYES ON THIS EVENING?" "OH, I'D LIKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD." "THE BLOW ON THE HEAD." "JUST THERE." "JOLLY GOOD." "WELL, YOUR FIRST QUESTION" "FOR THE BLOW ON THE HEAD THIS EVENING IS:" "WHAT GREAT OPPONENT OF CARTESIAN DUALISM" "RESISTS THE REDUCTION OF PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENA" "TO PHYSICAL STATES?" "I DON'T KNOW THAT!" "WELL, HAVE A GUESS." "HENRI BERGSON." "IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!" "OH, THAT WAS LUCKY." "I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM." "JOLLY GOOD." "I DON'T LIKE DARKIES." "( chortling )" "WHO DOES?" "AND NOW YOUR SECOND QUESTION" "FOR THE BLOW ON THE HEAD IS:" "WHAT IS THE MAIN FOOD THAT PENGUINS EAT?" "PORK LUNCHEON MEAT." "NO." "SPAM?" "NO, NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?" "PENGUINS." "PENGUINS?" "YES." "I HATE PENGUINS." "NO, NO, NO." "THEY EAT THEMSELVES." "NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EAT?" "HORSES!" "ARMCHAIRS!" "NO, NO, WHAT DO PENGUINS EA T?" "OH, PENGUINS." "PENGUINS." "CANNELLONI." "LASAGNA, MOUSSAKA, LOBSTER THERMIDOR" "ESCALOPES DE VEAU A L'ESTRAGON AVEC ENDIVES" "GRATINEED WITH CHEESE." "NO, I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE." "AH!" "BRIAN CLOSE." "( laughter )" "NO, NO." "BRIAN INGLIS, BRIAN JOHNSON, BRYAN FORBES." "NO, NO." "NANETTE NEWMAN." "NO, WHAT SWIMS IN THE SEA" "AND GETS CAUGHT IN NETS?" "HENRI BERGSON." "NO!" "GOATS." "UNDERWATER GOATS WITH SNORKELS AND FLIPPERS." "A BUFFALO WITH AN AQUALUNG." "NO." "REGINALD MAUDLING." "YES, THAT'S NEAR ENOUGH, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT." "RIGHT NOW, MRS. SCUM, YOU HAVE WON YOUR PRIZE." "DO YOU STILL WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD?" "YES, YES." "I'LL OFFER YOU A POKE IN THE EYE." "NO, I WANT THE BLOW ON THE HEAD." "A PUNCH IN THE THROAT?" "NO!" "ALL RIGHT THEN, A KICK IN THE KNEECAP." "NO." "MRS. SCUM, I'M OFFERING YOU A BOOT IN THE TEETH" "AND A DAGGER UP THE STRAP." "( hesitantly ):" "ER..." "Audience members ( shouting ):" "TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!" "NO, I'LL TAKE THE BLOW ON THE HEAD." "VERY WELL THEN, MRS. SCUM" "YOU HAVE WON TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE" "THE BLOW ON THE HEAD!" "( ding )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "( applause )" "( music ends with fart )"