"Bryan:" "Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday." "I look forward to it all year and put all of my energy into making sure it's fun and festive for everyone." "It's like gay Christmas, except you get to invite people you actually like." "I don't like this." "Well, I'm sorry, but last year you scared too many children with your costume when you went as the mother from precious." "Okay, so now I have to be... who am I again?" "Matt Lauer from the today show." "He handles hard-hitting news and cooking segments with equal aplomb." "Look, Rocky, the point of Halloween is that you get to be whoever it is you want to be, and I want you to be Matt Lauer." "Another Halloween thing I love to do is pick out pumpkins in the paparazzi patch with my bestie Nicole Richie." "(Paparazzi clamoring) Nicole!" "Can you hold this pumpkin in front of my head to obscure their shot?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "This must be so annoying for you." "Turn around, turn around!" "Put the pumpkin down!" "Nicole!" "Is that Courtney love?" "No, that's a scarecrow." "That is Courtney love." "You look great." "But Halloween wouldn't be complete without curling up on the couch and watching scary movies..." "the scarier the better... psycho, the exorcist, 27 dresses." "I didn't know frankenstein had a wife." "Oh, sure, nobody has a problem with monster marriage." "Ooh, here comes a scary part." "God, who can see in here?" "Sweet mother." "Oh!" "David." "Geez." "Guys, I've been thinking a lot about our Halloween costumes, and, Bryan, I know you always have a very specific idea of what we're gonna dress as, but seeing as there's more of us this year," "I was thinking that maybe we could go as... ♪ Ba-ba-ba." "...A sports team." "Oh, David, that is a great idea, oh, but we are all going to be the redneck family from here comes honey boo boo." "Well, as long as you loved my idea." "I already have my makeup and wardrobe people at the show on it." "I'm gonna be mama June," "Goldie's gonna be chickadee, you're gonna be sugar bear, and guess who's honey boo boo." "A dollar makes me holla, honey boo boo." "You better redneck-ognize." "Great, okay, let's try it again." "This time give me pageant cupcake hands." "Whoo, go, baby." "Now show me gunslinger." "Whoo!" "Reminds me of how Nana used to make me do pageants when I was little." "I bet you won a lot." "I did." "You know, Nana put the entire $65 into my college fund." "I'm gonna go rehydrate." "Good work, baby." "(Slow knocking at door)" "(Screams)" "(Laughs) Your face... you looked like you were gonna get killed or something." "No, Clay, what are you doing here?" "It's Halloween." "It's a family tradition." "But you're making me and Shania come back to Ohio next week." "You served me custody papers, remember?" "I didn't, some lawyer did." "Geez, you always got to make me out to be the bad guy." "Daddy." "Hey, monkey." "Please come in." "(Bump) Ow." "Yep." "I'll get the ice." "Why are you using a melon baller to do detail work?" "Would you use a hammer to frost a cake?" "Can I just do it my way?" "Okay, can I see?" "Sure." "Oh, your pumpkin looks like it had a stroke." "Goldie:" "You know, Nicole, besides Santa, you're the first celebrity I've ever met." "Aw, that's sweet of you to say, but don't call me a celebrity." "But you are." "I know, it's just so uncool to say." "Oh, got it." "It's like squeezing dog poop with big seeds in it." "Come on, Shania, do it with me." "Don't worry, he doesn't get a knife." "We only let him scoop." "David:" "So, Goldie, uh, how are you doing with the little surprise visit from Clay?" "I mean, it is hard to pretend like everything's okay with him when I know he stands between me and our happiness." "(Doorbell rings)" "But then I see him with Shania, and I feel so bad for keeping them apart." "(Door opens and closes)" "Hey, guys." "Hi." "Hey, Ian, you remember Nicole and Goldie and Shania, and that's Clay." "Clay is Goldie's..." "C-Clay." "Hey, buddy, loving the long locks." "Yeah, and those sandals are rocking." "Hey, Shania, why don't you take Avery upstairs and show him my collection of east Asian slippers?" "I think you'd really like that." "Sure." "Hey, I have a shirt just like that." "It's a tunic." "Come on." "So, Ian, what's little Avery going as for Halloween?" "Well, we're still hovering around a couple of ideas." "(Ian and Avery make shooting noises)" "Son," "I got us these great teenage mutant ninja turtle costumes for Halloween." "No, I want to go as Bruce Vilanch or a fairy." "Okay, but turtles with weapons... that's pretty awesome, huh?" "But they don't have tights or wings or write jokes for the oscars." "So he's going as Vilanch?" "No, I won't let him." "Why can't he be" "Batman or superman?" "I'd even settle for aquaman... a man." "I just don't want other kids making fun of him." "Nicole:" "You know, I read this article in the New York times that said that cross-gender experimentation happens in about five percent of boys and really can be caused by anything from emulating maternal figures to the presence of prenatal hormones." "This came up with an actress friend of mine whose daughter only dresses like a boy." "She's totally gonna tell me who it is after you guys leave." "No way." "I would never betray her confidence." "Bryan:" "Ian, I just think it would be really empowering for you to let Avery make his own choice." "Wait a second, you're okay with a five-year-old making his own costume decision but not with me making mine?" "(Laughs) Honey, that's because we do things together, because we are a team." "No, you tell me what to wear and I wear it." "But you know what?" "This year I am gonna be whoever I want to be." "Bryan:" "So you're not gonna dress up as sugar bear?" "Where am I supposed to find a shiftless husband and a poor excuse for a father?" "I don't know." "Hey, I could do that." "Mom, can I go pick out my monster makeup?" "Oh, man, Shania, when I was your age, me and my friends used to put on makeup and dress like we were in this band kiss." "Oh, we, we spit blood and blew fireballs and stuff." "Oh, one time this awesome dude Johnny pacheco poured gasoline in his mouth and swallowed it." "(Laughing):" "We were dying." "He actually did;" "He pretty much died right in front of our eyes." "We were just about your age, Shania." "Go pick out your makeup, okay, honey?" "Off you go." "(Sighs)" "Why would you tell her a story like that?" "She's gonna have nightmares." "Oh, sure, sorry." "Truce?" "Fine, truce." "Oh, your face." "You were like, "oh, my God, zombie hand."" "(Laughs) (Laughs sarcastically)" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, I get you're not psyched that I just kind of showed up, but I'm glad I'm here." "But you're not really here for us, are you?" "It's all to look good for some judge back in Ohio, right?" "No." "I mean, I want the court to see I'm a good dad, but just 'cause I want to be with Shania." "She's my kid, I love her." "You say that, but you don't know the first thing about being a good dad." "Come on, Clay, you've never even taken her trick-or-treating before." "I tried, remember, a few years back, but you were on my case, nagging me the whole time." ""She needs her jacket." "Don't let her eat nuts." "Make sure the safety's on."" "I have to do that 'cause you act like a child all the time." "Because you try to control everything I do, Goldie." "You don't like the way I do anything with her." "I just want you to be a better dad." "How can I be?" "You took her away and you moved to California." "How am I supposed to be the parent you want me to be if you won't let me be with her?" "I know you're in there, honey, come on." "Time to go." "Oh Sam, you're a genius!" "You even gave me Mama June's neck crust.." "Oh, it's brilliant." "Oh, please, honey, if I can make Bea Arthur pass as a woman," "I can certainly do a simple fat roll." "(Laughs)" "(David grunting)" "What do you think?" "I'm Tom Brady." "I can't believe you're cheating on me with another costume." "I'm not cheating," "I'm just doing my own thing." "It just bothers you 'cause you can't control it like every other year." "Hey, kids." "(Children scream)" "Oh, no, don't run away." "He was the wind beneath my wings." "Cute." "Is it?" "Doesn't it all seem just like a big gay cliché to you?" "Why is that you... and overweight members of the media... think that anything remotely effeminate or camp is a stereotype?" "You're all trying to keep the fey gay quarantined in the center square." "Ain't it the truth, honey?" "Nobody wants the femme gays anymore." "The media, the straights... everybody has such disdain." "Even the trans community doesn't want us." "If you're the least bit femme anymore, they call you an Uncle Tom Ford." "Bryan:" "Just face the truth, David, you're embarrassed by me." "I am not embarrassed." "He's embarrassed." "It sounds like he's embarrassed." "Okay, I'm a little embarrassed." "I just don't understand why Halloween has to be one big gender-bending party." "David, every day of the year, I walk around a little self-conscious in the world." "I'm not like you." "I have to remember to deepen my voice and be aware of my too-vivid hand gestures and take big, manly strides." "Wear spanx to the supermarket." "Bryan:" "But on Halloween" "I get to let all that go." "I get to put on my mask and my makeup and let my freak flag fly, so that's what I'm trying to do this year." "You can join me or not." "Okay, I choose not." "Fine." "Fine." "Sam, what are you going as?" "Lisa ling's sister..." "the one who got kidnapped." "Lucy Liu got kidnapped?" "No." "The cool thing about this year is, in this costume, babe, people won't get uptight if I'm drinking a beer while we're out trick-or-treating." "Yeah." "I look like I did in our wedding photos." "You've never been prettier than on that day, Goldie." "Stop it." "But the most awesome thing about all this is that we're going as a family... you, me, and the kid." "Shania:" "Mom." "I don't want to be honey boo boo." "It's just not me." "What?" "Baby, you look adorable, and I thought you loved the idea." "Well, Bryan's bossiness is infectious, and I laugh at the show, too, but I feel like I'm laughing at them." "Plus, I can't support something that perpetuates a sexualization of girls and denigrates a family because of their lack of economic resources." "Know what I mean?" "Goldie:" "Baby, you don't ever have to be someone you don't want to be." "Go on, go wash off the eight pounds of makeup." "(Sighs) You see, Goldie, you did it again." "I'm her dad, and you didn't even ask me." "You just made the decision yourself." "Me and Shania were supposed to be costume buddies." "Every time I figure out a way to get close to her, you always steal her away from me." "That is not true." "No." "No more, Goldie." "We-we'll ditch the stupid costumes, okay, with my kid, and I'm gonna do it my way." "I don't want to dress up as honey boo boo." "I just feel like Halloween is a chance to show the world who you are, and I'd rather not squander it on a message that champions irony over authenticity." "I had a different idea about what to go as instead." "You are wasting your breath, Shania." "No one changes Bryan's mind about anything." "He won't even participate in daylight savings time." "It's just so arbitrary." "David:" "See?" "Good luck with your costume." "Tell me what you were thinking, sweetie." "I thought it'd be neat if I went as frankenstein." "Frankenstein?" "That's so last century." "Hmm." "I even had this idea that we could all go as frankenstein." "Cause in a way, we're sort of these separate pieces who've been sewn together to make up this kind of freaky family." "Well, I do have a closet full of platform boots." "Okay, guys, we have to hurry." "We only have 24 hours to get our costumes ready." "Or 23 hours if you believe one of them magically disappears." "This is great." "Oh, these bolts are cool." "Brains!" "Uh, mom, Frankensteins don't scream, "brains."" "That's zombies." "Oh." "Sorry." "Brains!" "(Roaring) (Giggling)" "David:" "All right, go long." "Go long, Bry." "Bry, go long." "Hey, look, everybody." "It's Igor in a jockstrap." "Sorry, everyone." "Dr. Frankenstein's a little testy because someone is doing what they want to for once." "No, David." "I think a football player is a really original costume." "Right behind hobo and slutty nurse." "This... getting... awkward." "(Doorbell rings) Oh, good!" "The first trick-or-treaters!" "(Moaning) (Moaning)" "Come on." "Brains!" "(Roaring)" "(Grunting)" "(Grunting) Are you ready?" "Yup." "(Roars)" "Oh." "Bryan:" "Rocky." "Matt Lauer would never wear that tennis dress." "I'm Serena Williams." "I'm tired of you telling me who I have to be every Halloween." "Why is everybody rejecting my brilliant ideas?" "No wonder mad scientists are so mad." "Rocky, guess who I am." "Oh, my God." "You're the little guy on top of a football trophy." "Do you want to come trick-or-treating with us?" "No, thanks." "I'll stay here and hand out candy to the adorable children and protect the liquor cabinet from vandals." "(Knocking) Oh, good!" "The first trick-or-treaters!" "Boo." "(Cheers and laughs)" "(Groaning)" "Boo!" "Nana..." "What are you doing here?" "After everything you did with Shania's pretend wedding, you can't expect me to welcome you with open arms." "Jane:" "Oh." "It was me." "I called her." "I have not missed a Halloween with goggles for nine years, and I'm not about to start now." "Oh, really?" "Well, who are you supposed to be?" "She's Endora from bewitched." "She was the show's sharp-tongued comic relief." "Audiences didn't know whether to love her or hate her." "Jane:" "Come on." "There's a lot of candy out there, and a neighborhood full of fat, persian kids to beat to it." "Let's go." "Candy!" "Okay." "Bryan:" "Come on, Rocky." "Turn the lights off, we'll put the candy by the door." "Come with us." "Even though I didn't wear your Matt Lauer costume?" "Look, sometimes I lose sight of the big picture." "But you know what?" "Your costume makes me look better by association." "(Laughs) It's like Jay-Z with Beyonce." "What do you say?" "Trick-or-treat!" "Fruit?" "What is this, an off-ramp?" "Come on." "What do you say?" "Thank you." "Hmm." "(Door squeaks shut)" "Hey, Halloween isn't only about the treats, you know." "It's also about the tricks." "(Whispers):" "All right, let's go." "(Doorbell rings)" "All:" "Trick-or-treat!" "Hey, guys." "Come on in!" "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Now that is a costume." "Hey, how you doing?" "Hi." "You got anything stronger than candy?" "Yup, up, we got plenty." "Come on in." "Hey." "Where's your daughter and her dad?" "Um, I think trick-or-treating one street over." "Clay said this is the only night for free candy." "That he can have free boring conversation any other night of the year, so, meh." "(Sighs)" "So, Ian," "I don't think you've met..." "Endora from bewitched!" "I love that show!" "Look!" "I'm a fairy!" "I can fly!" "Wee!" "No more candy, son." "Son?" "Are you going to let that little fairy out-do you like that?" "So, I-I thought you guys were going as ninja turtles?" "We were." "Then Avery threw a fit." "Do you know what it's like to be around someone who screams and cries and holds his breath until he gets what he wants?" "Nope." "After two hours of high-pitched screeching, I realized," "I can force him to dress a certain way for me, but it's not gonna change who he is on the inside." "He is who he is." "Not gonna change him." "You're a good dad, bud." "No." "I'm weak, and I'm exhausted." "All I care about is that cold beer that my wife brings me after she's tucked him in." "But that's nice of you to say." "Daddy, help." "I have poo-poo in my panties." "Atomic fireball?" "Score!" "I love atomic fireballs." "Yeah." "Sure do love their daddies, don't they?" "Oh, still hate me, huh?" "We have plenty of time to work that out in Ohio." "Back where people clean their own houses." "God, Nana, sometimes you make me so crazy, you know that?" "The things you say." "I am what I am." "Not about to change now." "And I guess I need to remember that." "When I saw you trick-or-treating tonight, the way you were with Shania..." "it made me think." "You're the one person who's always been there for me." "The only one, actually." "Ever." "Goldie, what do you say to the nice lady?" "Trick-or-treat!" "Thank you." "Good girl." "You remembered to say thank you." "I'm surprised." "I'd like to think that I'm a good mom." "But I didn't learn that from my mom." "I learned it from you." "Thank you, Nana." "Thank you for always being here for us." "Didn't really have a choice." "I couldn't just leave you." "Sure you could have." "No." "But you didn't." "And even now that I'm all grown up, here in L.A. with people and choices you don't understand, still..." "You still haven't left." "You know, I..." "I think I get mad at you 'cause I can." "'Cause you're here." "Would you just look at all the money these homos spend on decorations?" "It's like they're being paid per sin." "I love you, Nana." "Appreciate you saying that." "Shania, tonight was awesome." "We're gonna do this all the time when you're back in Ohio." "But you know trick-or-treating is just one night a year, right?" "The rest of the time, there's lots of important stuff to do." "Like what?" "Pay bills, make breakfast and pack nut-free lunches." "Do homework with me, cuddle me in every night, just like mom does." "Can you do all that?" "'Course." "I'm your dad." "I love you." "I know you do." "I mean, you're fighting mom for custody." "That means a lot to me, but the thing is, you've never really been a dad." "You've always been more like a friend." "Yeah." "A best friend." "But sometimes I need more than a friend." "I need a dad." "A dad, dad." "I want be a good dad..." "But I don't know how." "I mean, I was only 15 when I met you, Shania." "I cannot believe this is our last Halloween before we have a kid." "After this, it's all going to be about him or her." "Still a little bit about me." "It's amazing how kids change you." "I mean, back in med school, every year." "Ian's costume was the same... tired Jew." "(Muffled laugh) This year, he was a fairy." "Well, if this is our last year picking our own Halloween costumes, seems like it'd be a shame to let Tom Brady go to waste." "You know, Tom Brady is a quarterback, and you can get a flag for roughing the passer." "I have no idea what you're talking about, but I like the way you're saying it." "(Knocking)" "What happened?" "An earthquake." "You can't always feel 'em." "When you get a sec, can you come downstairs?" "What's going on?" "I'm not good at a lot of things." "No kidding." "And even though I want to be," "I know I haven't been a real good dad to Shania." "You know, if-if being a better dad means doing what's right for your kid, then, the right thing for Shania is to be here in L.A." "With her ma." "So I'm dropping the custody case." "Holy hell!" "I love you, Shania." "And I want to be a better dad." "You just did what a dad-dad would do." "Thank you." "Clay:" "And since I'm in California, guess what?" "I'm an actor now!" "(Whoops)" "I think he's actually too smart." "Could somebody please give me a valium?" "Why don't you come with me to west Hollywood?" "If they think we're drag queens, we drink for free." "Oh." "Well." "I think I would rather be drunk with those freaks than sober with these." "Hmm." "Bye, Thelma." "Bye, Louise." "Come on, everybody, grab a seat." "Spooky movie time!" "Dad, would you mind sitting next to me?" "This movie's pretty scary." "Oh." "Uh, yeah." "Since when are you afraid of scary movies?" "Oh, I'm not, but my dad gets bad dreams." "(Knocking)" "Hi..." "Hey, we just wanted to thank you for being the house that passes out fruit on Halloween." "Yes." "It's what every eight-year-old trick-or-treater is hoping for." "Their full daily allowance of vitamin C." "Yeah, I was just disappointed it wasn't baby carrots." "Or throat lozenges." "Or flu shots." "I think we made our point." "Let's go find that house where they're passing out the pencil erasers." "Go deep, Bry!" "Go deep!"