"Oh." "Ohh!" "Whoo!" "." "Whoo." "_" "_" "Mm-hmm." "The Morristown Frackers would like to thank you all for attending today." "All... oh, let's call it a dozen of you." "Guess you lucky fans can just feel free to stretch your legs right out and enjoy your own section all to yourself." "Hey." "What, um..." "What are you..." "What are you wearing?" "Yeah, all right." "I know I look ridiculous, but my dad wore it when they went on a winning streak in '86, so I figured, can't hurt." "Is dressing badly, like, just a thing for baseball?" "'Cause that would explain his jacket." "Superstition is a thing in baseball." "It's a tradition that if you're on a losing streak, you change everything that you're doing." "And if you're on a winning streak, you don't change anything." "Well said." "Now, can you say some of that into the mic?" "I ain't paying you to talk to Charles." "Uribe's at the plate." "I don't need a microphone to chat with a dozen people at the ballpark." "Hey, Uribe!" "You look slimmer!" "Did you lose weight?" "Oh, yes, I did, Jim." "Thank you for noticing." "As long as it's into the mic." "Pedro Uribe has lost weight." "That is all." "You know what's not helping my suicidal depression?" "Calling baseball games into an empty stadium and having my own words bounce back into my face like some kind of haunting metaphor for life's futility." "Listen, my plan is gonna take time." "Morristown has been drowning in apathy for so long, they... they don't even recognize that I'm throwing them a life preserver." "Plus, I'm competing with dirt-cheap entertainment that's in every home here." "Cable?" " Meth." " Ah." "But they'll all come around soon enough 'cause I'm offering the only drug more powerful." "Heroin." "Nostalgia." "I think you're wildly underestimating heroin." "When the team starts winning again, everyone's gonna come back so they can relive the glory days." "What makes you think that that team is gonna win any ball games?" "Our luck is gonna change." "We're due!" "The team, me, even you." "Oh, yeah, laugh at my hope." "I'm sorry, it's just..." "You actually believe that?" "Yeah, and I put my money where my mouth is when I got my loan." "You know what?" "Let me take a look at this." " No, wait, 'cause it's..." " No, no!" "Come on." "No!" "It's turtle racing starting soon." " Stacy." " Come on, hey, let me see it." "I know a thing or two about loans." "I did a bunch of commercials for reverse mortgages back in the Philippines." "Is it big enough?" "Uh, I'm gonna need you to top me off, though, first." "Jesus, you're blowing through all my good whiskey." "Care for some  Sambuca?" "You have a balloon payment due after the first month of the season?" "Yep." "Hey!" "No nudging the turtles!" "Yeah, wait till you get to page 47." "No, I saw that." "The team has to finish above .500." "Why in the world would you agree to all this crap?" "I couldn't just let the team die." "It would be like losing a limb." "My dad played first base for Morristown from '81 to '87." "Shit, I lost my virginity in the visitors' bullpen in '88." "I did what I had to do." "Here's to giant, life-altering mistakes." "We both know them well." "We surely do." "Ugh!" "This shit is disgusting." " It does the trick." " Mm-hmm." "Christ's sakes, you're starting to look good to me, and you're a goddamned disaster." "Well, thank you for the half-compliment." "And for the record, you looked good to me when that bottle was still full." "I'll give you one shot." "Woo me." "I may not be the best in any room, but I am definitely the best in this room." " Get it off!" " I'm getting it off!" "Aah!" "All right, for those of you just joining us," "I got a good one going here." "Brockmire taking no chances, starting right off in the missionary." "Okay, shh." " He's trying to find his rhythm." " Okay, okay, shh." "Ho!" "Julia James with a surprise finger in the keister!" "And Brockmire is into it." "Oh, man!" "The old fastball sign makes for a real snug butt plug." "Okay, folks." "Bott..." "Bottom of the 9th." "Frackers have runners on the corners, and I'm just gonna..." "I'm gonna rest my eyes for just a little bit." "Sambuca." "Hey, am I wrong?" "Is the winning point at bat?" "The winning run is up, yes, but he hits the ball like he's trying to wake it up from a little nap, so I'm just gonna take it easy until he makes the final out." "Okay, whatever, as long as you stop talking about..." "Oh, my God, last night was some of the best sex I ever had." "No." "No, you didn't stop talking about it." "There was an improvisational quality to it." "It..." "It was like every surface in her apartment" " was a workbench upon which..." " No." "Yeah, upon which" " we constructed our sexual art." " Please." "Hey, Jim?" "Please stop, okay?" "Jules is like my mom, and you've been talking about having sex with her for the past three hours." " I just..." " It's messed up!" "I just..." "I have to end things with her before everything gets messy, metaphorically and literally." "We went through half a tube of lube last night." "Aaaah!" "Stop it!" "Stop, shh!" "This wasn't about vaginal moisture." "She has that in spades." "It was strictly a friction issue." "Shut up!" "Lazy fly ball to left field." "This should do it, folks." "Whoa!" "No!" "It falls!" "And now Maldonado kicks it like it owes him money." "And now they're sprinting around the bases." " Go, go, go!" " It's a Little League home run!" "The Frackers win!" "The Frackers win!" "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "Uh..." "Uh... for the record," "Sambuca tastes better on the way out, folks." "Ohh." "Look, I'm disaster on about 17 different levels, all right, so I just think any more hanky panky between us would, well, probably be a mistake." "Huge mistake." "For Christ's sakes, you say things like "hanky panky."" "Trust me, sleeping with you was one of the biggest regrets of my life, and I have a tattoo of a dream catcher on my ankle." "To be clear, okay, I..." "Hey, I do not think that I am capable of having a successful adult relationship anymore." "Yeah, no." "That's... abundantly clear." "Well, getting emasculated in front of America caused me to chase ass like a Kennedy, but, you know, you're not just some fling in a bar." "You happen to be my boss." "So..." "What..." "What..." "What are you doing?" "Are you serious?" "They won." "So... unfortunately for both of us, we're gonna have to repeat everything we did last night." "Ho, what the hell." "All right." "Uh, just keep that dream catcher tattoo covered up, because I have to maintain an erection over here." "I actually don't think that's gonna be a problem." "I call bottom this time!" "I can believe you went down on me three times." "Oh, I can do it again." "You still haven't experienced what I like to call the conference on the mound." " Okay, shh." " You know, it's kind of a..." "Shut up." "Is that the finger that you put in my ass?" "Shh." "Hope you folks are all enjoying" ""Free Cold Medicine Day" here at the ballpark." "Quick reminder..." "Go ahead and have another gel pack." "The Frackers won't judge you like those snooty pharmacy assholes." "All right, now, listen up." "We got a good one going here." "Look at the field now, because the Frackers are threatening here in the bottom of the 8th with runners on the corners." "And here comes the pitch." "Whoo!" "Some might call that Istanbul, but I call it Constantinople!" "The Frackers take the lead!" "My gosh, what a comeback." "So, a Sambuca-fueled Brockmire is still struggling mightily with the button-fly jeans." "Come on, now!" "All right." "Here comes the payoff pitch from Grant." "Deep fly ball to center field." "Back at the warning track." "He makes the grab, and the Frackers miraculously escape a bases-loaded jam." "My goodness!" "Proceed." "Oh, my God." "Just shoot me." "Frickin' shoot me." "Oh, my goodness." "He dropped the ball." "That's a balk!" "A walk-off balk gives the Frackers their fifth win in a row." "Now I have seen everything." "Cheers." "Oh, it's happening." " No, he's not!" " It's happening." "No!" "Oh, yes!" "All right!" "Go, Brockmire!" "Oh, my God!" "Ladies and gentlemen," "Brockmire showing the crowd why naked men should never run." "Your dick and balls look like they're having a fistfight!" "Home run..." "Frackers!" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "That's their sixth win in a row." "♪ And the rockets' red glare ♪" "♪ The bombs bursting in air ♪" "♪ Gave proof through the... ♪" "Where have you been?" "!" "Charles got T-boned by an ambulance on the way here." "I-I..." "It was full of blood for a blood drive." "I kept slipping in it." " Wait, so that's not your blood?" " No." " Get out." "Get out." " I don't know whose blood this is." " I don't know whose blood this is!" " Close the door." "She's already singing." "We don't have any time." "Shit, shit, shit." "♪ ... wave ♪" "Come on, Brockmire!" "All right." "I'm hurrying." "I'm hurrying I am." "I am." "♪ ..." "land of the free ♪" "♪ Oh ♪" "♪ And the home ♪" "♪ Of the brave ♪" "Lay it down." "My goodness." "You were right." "These people..." "They are high on nostalgia." "Jules!" " Jules." " Hey!" "Who's that haircut with teeth?" "Um, that's Gary." " Gary." " He's the point person around here for Pennsylvania Shale Oil and Gas." "We kind of had a thing for a bit." "Did you now?" "Look at this crowd." "I'm so proud of you." "Your dream's coming true." "Mm." "Thank you." "Um, Gary, I want you to meet..." "Jim Brockmire." "Wow." "I'll tell you what." "I am a big fan of your work in Kansas City." " I don't like you." " What?" "Something about your essence is just rubbing me the wrong way, so I'd appreciate it if you'd just... just keep your distance from me." "Uh, Jim..." "Gary is a friend." "He's the one who helped me get my loan so I could buy the team." " Really?" " Yes." "'Cause I read that loan, and no true friend would ever let you sign it." "Come on." "The guy is obviously up to something." "The man works for a gas company, for crying out loud." "Never trust a man who sucks Satan's dick for a living." "All right." "Nice to meet you." "Stay the hell away from me." "Don't be sorry." "Everybody gets jealous." "Jea..." "Uh, whoa." "Excuse..." "Now, why would I be jealous, sweetheart?" "Well, it's only natural." "When two people spend this much time together, feelings bubble up." "Darlin', I don't have feelings for you." "I don't have feelings for anybody." "Just out of curiosity, though, um, how long did you and Gary date for, anyway?" "We went out two or three times." "Did you, uh, have sex with him?" "Seven and a half..." "Depends how you..." "I mean, eight times, probably." "Wow." "Seven and a half." "Half a time?" "That should have been interesting." "All right." "Just..." "I'm sorry." "I can't..." "I..." "Really?" "'Cause I can't believe you actually had sex with that guy." "Why?" "He's very nice and knows a lot about wine" " and isn't diabetic." " Oh." "And around here, that makes him the catch of the frickin' century." "And you know what?" "You have no right to judge me." "You've admitted to having sex with prostitutes all over the world." "Hey, I was helping those ladies find a new life 20 bucks at a time." "20 bucks?" "Oh, the dollar's very strong right now." "You know what?" "You're an asshole." "I can't even look at you." "Tonight, blindfolds." "No, we're not." "You know why?" "'Cause I'm tired of treating my dick like some kind of a lucky" " rabbit's foot." " Oh." "No, the idea that our sex is actually helping the Frackers win ball games is..." "It's ludicrous." "So, if you don't believe in the streak and you don't have any feelings for me, why have we been having sex every night for the last two weeks?" "Because I thought my only other option was talking to that asshole all night." "But you know?" " No, maybe I made a mistake." " Oh." "Hey, friend?" "Excuse me." "What's your story?" "Oh." "Well..." "I was born two days prematurely." "No, no." "Clearly, I was right to have sex with you instead." "So, all right." "How about this..." "Ehh..." "I don't really feel like it anymore." "I mean, I didn't feel like it half the times we did it." "Your personal grooming is..." "It's atrocious, and you smell like weird herbs." "Oh, that's the Sambuca." "Only reason I did it was because it was my civic frickin' duty." "But I would rather lose every game from here on in than have sex with you again." "Fi-Fine." "Okay." "I'll bet we win tomorrow's game by..." "And with the score 18-0, looks like the fairy tale is over and the Frackers have turned back into a pumpkin through no fault of anyone's other than the players on the field, of course." "All right." "Frackers are down to their final out." "Here comes the pitch." "Good slider there, and the count goes to 0-2 now to Uribe." "Hey, Brockmire!" "You want to party with Uribe tonight?" "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm free." "Strike!" "I guess I'm free now." "So, is you dating anyone?" "No." "Why do you ask that?" "Oh, I think maybe you and Miss Jules." "No, no." "Hey, no." "Nothing going on between me and Miss "Hools."" "What about you?" "You..." "You got anybody special?" "Ha." "Uribe never marry." "No one ties me down, not even my 13 kids." "13 kids?" "I'm Catholic." "Condoms are sin, and I hate to pull out." "I hear you." "Very difficult to leave the party when it is just getting good." "Child support is why I still play, even though I only 29." "American kids are so expensive." "The Dominican ones, not so much." "The dollar is very strong right now." "Oh, hey." "You..." "You don't have to tell me." "Ooh-ha!" "Ah." "And as my guest... you can pick." "Oh." "Well, uh..." "Well, let's just..." "We'll let the girls pick." "You're cute." "You remind me of my favorite stepdad." "I..." "Oh..." "Well, you know, I get that a lot." " Um, Uribe." " Hmm?" "Pedro?" "Um..." "How likely is this to become a group-sex situation?" "No, because, in the fog of war, sometimes things get a little chaotic, so I think we should set some ground rules." "Oye." "I am no cigua, okay?" "If my dick is inside of a woman, whatever you do to me is not gay, so do a lot of it." "A lot!" "A lot." "Hey." "Let's make things interesting." "Oh." "Mmm." "They're already pretty fascinating." " Who is it?" " Brockmire." "I thought you were with Uribe." "I was, I was, but I think I realized that I don't want to be that guy anymore." "Maybe I never was that guy, but I just..." "I wanted to be because then that would mean" "I couldn't be hurt again or something." "I just..." "I know that I like you." "I like that you see the world for the shit pile that it is, but that just makes you shovel faster." "Most of all, I like that we seem to have the same exact level of functional alcoholism." "I don't want to be getting gross and high with a bunch of strangers." "I want to..." "I want to be here with you." "Are you high right now?" "A little bit, yes." "I-I'm not prude." "I had a couple toots." "Come on." "You know, the thing is, is you and me..." "It's just not a good idea." "This is a terrible idea, but..." "I looked into your eyes for a long time the other night." "I know that you're feeling the same things I am." "I know it." "Baseball makes me want to exist." "You..." "You make me want to live." "God... damn it." "As many of you know, it was our plan to encourage a bankruptcy of the Morristown baseball team so that we could demolish the stadium and build a long-needed wastewater pit." "Well, unfortunately, attendance is much higher than, uh, our models predicted, so, uh, it is my position that we take a much more... aggressive stance." "Um, all in favor?" "Okay, good." "Last but certainly not least." "Sweet, sweet Deb." "My favorite memories of you will always be from the 2013 retreat in Mazatlán." "You were a diamond that glittered for us all that weekend, and call me sentimental, but I'd like to see you glitter one more time." "So, Deb, do you remember... the Margarita Men?" "Look at her face!" "We love you, Deborah Gortley!" "Whoo!" "Mazatlán!" "Mazatlán!" "Mazatlán!" "Mazatlán!" "This is Pennsylvania Shale right here!" "This is why we do what we do!" "Look at her!" "Look at here!"