"Good morning, housewives." "And a very special good morning... to the housewife who lives at number 26 Fairmile Road, Derby." "Yes, it's you, Mrs. Beryl Heseltine." "Your great day, because I've got birthday greetings for you... from your husband Charles, your son Harry, not forgetting the girls next door." "And they've chosen for you Kenneth McKellar singing "Song of the Clyde."" "And here he is." "I'll sing of a river I'm happy beside" "The song that I sing is the song of the Clyde" "Of all Scottish rivers it's dearest to me" "It flows from the hills all the way to the sea" "It borders the orchards of Lanark so fair" "Meanders through meadows with sheep grazing there" "But from Glasgow to Greenock in towns on each side" "The hammer's ding dong is the song of the Clyde" "She likes to sing when she does her housework." "That applies to a lot of you, doesn't it?" "But, actually, I'm talking to Mrs. Ritchie of flat 43," "Priory House, West Bromwich." "Your niece Eileen has written to me asking for your favorite tune... and it's coming up now." "Now, I've quite a few names." "There's Mrs.Joyce Tucket... of74 Clement Attlee Way, Nottingham," "Mrs. Rhoda Elliott of London Road, Slough." "There's Mrs. Rose Chester of Cartmell Drive, Lincoln." "And last, but not least, there's Mrs. Betty Bullock." "Now, congratulations for you, Mrs. Bullock, on your 70th birthday." "Sorry I don 't know your address, but wherever you�re listening," "I hope you and the neighbors will enjoy hearing "Litoffs Scherzo. "" "They've never sent my book." "Should have come last week." "They've not played that record of mine yet." "Must be at the bottom of the pile, mine then." " Them curtains can do with a washing'." " Oh, shut up, Mother." "Where's His bloody Lordship, then?" "She wants to go up with a wet dishcloth and ring it over his face." " He wants a good hiding." " I've shouted him three times." " That'd shift him." " Every mornin' the same!" "." "Hey, you up there, come on!" "Get out of it!" "It was a big dayforus." "We had won the war in Ambrosia." "Democracy was back once more in our beloved country." "Talk to him." "Go up and kick him out of his idle." " She lets him do just as he likes." " Talk to him yourself." "Do you hear me?" "Bloody well get up!" " Eyes left!" " Eyes left!" "Battalion, by the left, salute!" "It is often wondered how the left-handed salutes, peculiar to our republic, originated." "But this is a tribute to the seven survivors of the Battle of Wakefield, all of whom, by an amazing coincidence, have lost their right arms." "By the left... salute!" " Billy, your boiled egg's stone cold!" "Well, come on, then!" "It's nearly half past 9:00!" "I'll not tell you again." "I 'll right." "I'm coming." "Today is a day of big decisions." "I'm going to start writing me novel- 2,000 words every day." "I'm going to start getting up in the morning." "Well, I might as well cut that for a start." "Yes." "Today is a day... of big decisions." "Don't go makin' fresh tea for hi m." "You've got enough to do." "That was a blackie postman just went past the window." "They're all darkies now." "There's blackie bus conductors and blackie nurses." "They can't get work, you know, in South Africa." " Geez!" " Go on, ignorant, knock her over." " The Cabinet change is imminent." " You'll be imminent if you don't start getting up." " Good morning, Father." " Come on." "Get on with it, lad." " You're half an hour late for work already." " Good morning." "How are you?" " She lets him do just as he likes." " I'm your most obedient servant." "You can stop that bloody game." "It's you I'm talking to." "What time did you get in last night?" "More like this morning." "I really couldn't say." "About half past 11:00." "Yeah, more like 1:00 than half past 11:00." "You start coming in at night." "I'm not having you gallivanting about all hours." "Who will you have gallivanting about now?" "And what were you doing down at Foley Bottoms at 9:00 last night?" " Who said I was down at Foley Bottoms?" " Never mind who says." "You were there." "And it wasn't that Barbara you were with, either." "He wants to make up his mind who he's going with." "He goes out with too many lasses." "He's like a lass himself." "Tell whoever saw me to mind their own business." "'Tis our business, and don't be so cheeky." "And if Barbara's coming for a tea tomorrow, I shall tell her, so don't think I won't." "You never played fair with that girl." "I'm surprised she bothers with you." "He's not old enough to stay out half the bloody night." " One." " Every bloody night alike." " Two." " Start coming in at a proper bloody time." " Three." " Or do you want to live somewhere else?" " Perhaps I will do." " Hey, what?" "I 've been offered a job in London." "Geez, there's been a lot of twins born lately." "I said I have been offered a job in London." " What bloody job?" " How do you mean, you've been offered a job?" "A job script writing." "Script writing?" "He can't write his own bloody name so anyone can read it." "How do you mean, script writing?" "I told you." "Boon." "Danny Boon, the TV comedian." "He's in town today opening the new supermarkets." "I sent him some of me scripts." "He's read 'em, and he likes 'em." "Sent me this letter." "Look." "He's offered me a job in London script writing." "He likes me material." "What do you mean, he likes your material?" "This is Danny Boon, right?" "And this pepper pot is me material, right?" "Right?" "Danny Boon sees me flaming material so he flaming well asks me for it!" "Hear, hear, hear!" "Watch your language." "Flamin' this and flaming' that." "He's gone too far." "Look, uh, do you wanna know or don�t you?" "Because if you wanna know, I'll tell ya, and if you don't wanna know, I'll shut up." " Right." "Try again." "This" " You just eat your breakfast." " Let's get your mucky self washed." " And get to work." "Why don�t you see he gets washed and dressed before he comes down in the morning?" "She wants to burn that raincoat of his." "She wants to burn it." "Fling it on fire." "Then he�d have to get dressed." " Spoiled him all of your life." " I knew it would be my fault." " I don't know." "He won't have a job anywhere, never mind London, if he goes on at this rate." "He's not going to London." "That's another of his stories." "He can't say two words to anybody without telling a lie." "What was he telling that woman about me having me leg off?" "Huh!" "Do I look as if I�ve had my leg off?" "You'll have to stop all this making things up, Billy." "There's no sense in it at your age." "We never know where we are with you." "I mean, you're too old for things like that now." "I don't know what we're going to do with you." "Oh, my God, how dreary." "Billy's pissed again." "So glad you�re going to London, you old loafer." "Simone and I were thinking of kicking you out of the old nest any day now." "Better come into the library, and we'll talk about the money end." "And keep your hands off my bloody razor in future!" " Seventeen." " You can't call anything your own in this house, can you?" "Hey, shirt." "And when are you going to unlock that wardrobe?" " Why?" " Because I say so." " I've got all me private things in there." " Never mind "things."" "I've got shirts, socks, pants and I don't know what waiting to go in there." "It's not natural to keep a wardrobe locked up." " A lad of your age." " Well, it's my wardrobe." "Who paid for it?" "It's our wardrobe." "You'll get it unlocked and leave it unlocked, if you don't mind." "Never mind!" "If it isn't unlocked when I get back, I'll smash the bloody thing open." "Oh, flaming calendars." ""It's a good heart that says no ill, but a better heart that thinks none. "" "I don't think." ""Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves. "" "What did you do, spend the postage money?" "Was that the size of it?" "You were given these calendars to post last Christmas." "All right, Billy boy, on your feet." "William Terence Fisher, I have a warrant for your arrest... on the charge that you did, wilfully and knowingly, misappropriate 270 calendars, the property of your employers Messrs. Shadrack  Duxbury" "Well, Fisher, you've certainly earned your remission." "I must say you've used your time well." "This is the finest expose of prison life I've ever read." "Thank you, sir." "I think you'll get your reforms now, sir." "A great many M.P.s are on our side." "Not only M.P.s, Fisher." " From us all." " Thank you." " Good-bye." " Good-bye." " Been nice knowing you." " Bye." " Come on, lad." "Come on." " All right." " Aren�t you ready yet?" " Just a minute." "You'll never get to work at this rate, never mind London." "You'll set off one of these days and meet yourself coming back." " Oh, just off, Mother." " Don't hurry yourself." "It's five to 10.:0." " I say, I 've just been thinking." " I might give me notice in today, if I'm going to London." "You want to make up your mind what you do want to do." "Well... work for Danny Boon." "How do you know, Billy?" "You've never done that sort of thing before." "You can't switch and change and swap about just when you feel like it." "You've got your living to earn now." "You worry too much." "Ciao, Gram." "Ciao, Mum." "And Ashanty had a small son." " Good morning, Billy." " Oh, good morning." "If I can get to the end of the street without opening me eyes, everything will be all right." " You do know that's the late Mr. Parkin in there?" " Yes." "Because we don't want a recurrence of last week's fiasco, do we?" " Will you check the oil?" " I have." "Extraordinary time to come to work, Fisher." "I'm sorry, Mr. Shadrack, only I spilled hot water on me arm." "I've been to the doctor's." "Must be going home time." "Fisher's here." " How long has big head been here?" " All night, I should think." " Where do you say you�ve been?" " I've been to the doctor's." " You've been to the doctor's?" " I've been to the doctor's." "Tell these good people why you�ve been to the doctor's." " I don't like the look of my wife." " I hate the sight of mine." "Ha, ha, ha." " Haven�t you got any work to do?" " Yes, Mr. Shadrack." "I'm trying to run an up-to-date organization." "There's too much laxity." "Oh, Stamp, I'd like to see your ashes list." "Watch it." "He's been going through all the books." "He's in a terrible temper." "Is he now?" "He hasn't balanced the petty cash yet, has he?" " I don't know." " How much have you fiddled?" " Shut your head." " He thinks postage money is part of his wages." "I've got something unpleasant to say to our Mr. Shadrack today." "You've got something unpleasant to say to Mr. Shadrack today?" "Anything I'd say to Mr. Shadrack would be unpleasant." " Kindly leave the undertakers." " Honestly." "I'm giving my notice today." " You are?" " Wonderful comedian." "Shadrack  Duxbury, funeral services." "Shadrack to funeral fleet." "Shadrack to funeral fleet." "Are you receiving me?" "Over." "Receiving you loud and clear." "Over." "State your position, please." "State your position." "Over." "We're just turning into Sheep gate from the memorial." "Traffic at Coal Lane Junction is holding us up." "Over." "Suggest you divert cortege." "Repeat." "Suggest you divert cortege down new bypass." " Acknowledge, please." " Message received." "Roger and out." "Come on, shift." "Any doctor's papers amongst all this rubbish?" " Hey, what are writing to Godfrey Winn for?" " Shut up." "It's not him." "It's his mother." "" Housewives' Choice"?" " Hey!" " " Dear sir, could you play 'Just a Song at Twilight'?" " It is my favorite song."" " Do you bloody mind?" "Oh, sorry, love." "Uh, is that the Midland Hotel?" "Reception, please." "" My husband used to sing it to me when we were a bit younger than we are now."" " I bet." " Get it off him, Arthur." " Come on." "Come on." " No, no." "Listen to this bit." "" My son also writes songs," ""but I suppose there's not much chance as he's not had the training." "We are just ordinary folk." "Signed, A. Fisher, Mrs."" "Come on." "I'm not ordinary folk, even if she is." "Hello, reception?" "Could I speak to Mr. Boon, please?" "Uh, Danny Boon." "Will you tell him it's Mr. Fisher?" " I got that job." " You haven't." "Yeah, scriptwriter." "I start next week." "You devil." "How much is he paying you?" "Well, we haven't discussed terms yet, but it's a lot more than I'm getting here." "I'm sorry." "Mr. Boon's not taking any calls at the moment." "Oh, uh, Mr. Boon?" "Uh, Fisher, this end." "Oh, very well, thank you." "How are you?" "Oh, that's marvelous, yes." "Look, I don't want to bother you at the moment, but I was wondering, would 3:00 this afternoon be a good time for me to come and see you?" "Oh, good." "I'll bring some of my material, of course." "Uh, the Nell Gwynn suite, is it?" "Yes, uh, I thought so." "Oh, that's marvelous." "Well, I look forward to seeing you then." "Fine." "Bye." " And success!" " Good morning." "It's all right." "It's only me mother." "I brought the key down 'cause I shall be out this afternoon." "What did you want to come down here for?" "Could've gotten it through the window." "You're not getting it through no window." "How's your father, Billy?" "Is he still in hospital?" "Uh, yes, yes." "He's quite comfortable, though." "What's the specialist say about his leg, then?" "Well, it might have to come off, but they haven't seen the X-rays yet." " There's still a good chance." " Oh, how's your sister?" " Oh, fine, fine." " What bloody sister?" "" How's your husband?" "Oh, he's well too."" "Here." ""April is the cruelest month." "A smile can make it better. "" ""It takes 60 muscles to frown, but only 13 to smile. "June." ""Kindness in another's troubles, courage in your own. " August." ""Think all you speak, but speak not all you think. " December." "Speak all you think, but think not all you speak." "Speak all you speak, but speak not all you think!" " Just a minute!" " Come on." " Are you writin' out your will?" " Naff off, Stamp." "Hey, no writing mucky words on the wall." "Oh, get lost, will ya?" "Bet you're readin' a mucky book." "Bet you are." "Readin' a mucky book." "" His hand caressed her silken knee."" "Haven�t you any work to do, Stamp?" "Just waiting to go into the toilet, Mr. Shadrack." "Yes, us thought some of you spend too much time down here." "Far too much time." "Better go up to the office." "I've got to go out." "Is that you, Mr. Shadrack?" "Is that you, Mr. Shadrack?" "Yes." "There's someone waitin' to come in there." "I was wondering if I could have a word with you before you go out." "Huh?" "I was wondering if I could have a word with you before you go out." "Yes, I've been thinkin' it's about time we had a little talk." "I haven't got time now, Fisher." "See me at lunchtime." "Ah, very good, Mr. Shadrack." "Good morning, Mr. Duxbury." "It's Councilor Duxbury, Fisher." "Councilor Duxbury." "That's my title." "You wouldn't call Lord Harewood "mister," would you?" "Councilor." "Now think on." ""It's Councilor Duxbury, Fisher."" " "Aye, that's my title."" " Billy!" "Billy!" " "Aye." - "Aye."" " I'll see you around the corner, all right?" " Yeah." " Hello, darling." " Hello, pet." "Where are you taking me for coffee?" "The thing is, I have to go to the town planning office." "They're pulling all this down." "Oh, sometimes I think you�re avoiding me, you know, Billy." " Why, darling?" " We are supposed to be engaged." " Of course we're engaged." " Have you told your mother and father yet?" " Uh, we'll announce it when you come for your tea tomorrow." " All right." " I-I-It's a lovely ring, isn't it?" " Mmm, it's lovely." "Uh, you don't think it needs altering or anything?" " No, no, it's just right." " Well, suit yourself." " I must dash, darling." "Bit of a hurry." "See you later." " Yes, bye, pet." "Well, where's that ring?" "That's just it, Rita." "I've been to the jeweler's, and it's not ready yet." "Oh, well, you'd better get it back quick, else there's gonna be trouble." " Hey, Rita." " Yeah?" " Four cheeseburgers ready." " Right." "Four cheeseburgers, love." " Dream about me while I'm gone." " Sure thing, baby." " What's she on about?" " The engagement ring." "What ring?" "I thought you were supposed to be engaged to Barbara." "That's just the point." "I am." "She had it first" " Rita." "I got it to give to Barbara." " Now she wants it back." " Rita?" "Yeah." "I told her it was at the jeweler's getting fixed." "Be hell to pay if she don't get it." "I can't keep up with your rotten sex life." "You're gonna be up for bigamy." "Tartar." "So when's it going to be ready, then?" "I'm glad you asked me that 'cause when I called the shop this morning, the man told me it might take..." "another week." " Oh, it might be another week." " They've got three people of fill." "Of fill?" "Oh, they've got three people of fill." "All having' their legs off, I suppose." "Well, either I get that ring back by this afternoon, or I'm goin' round to that jeweler's me self." "Another thing!" "I thought I was supposed to be comin' round tomorrow to meet your mother." "Well, I can't wait for you to meet Mum and Dad, Rita." "Only, we've just been flooded out." "All the pipes have burst." "Flooded out, are ya?" "I'm gonna meet your rotten mother, whether you like it or not." "I'm gonna get that ring back this afternoon, or I'm coming round to see your rotten mother." "And your rotten father." "And your rotten grandmother." "We're supposed to be engaged, if you did but know it!" "What are you gawking at?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "When I started out as a councilor," "I had public conveniences, them to look after." " I was a young councilor." " This was all fields when I was a lad." "I only had but one clog to me feet in those days." "All right." "Well, I'll tell you what." "The workers nowadays- you give them tuppence a week, they're not content." " They don't know they're born." " They're not contented." " They don't know when they're well off." " They couldn't come it with me." "There's always been an Olroyd at Olroyd Mill, and there always will be." "Nowadays, young lads come down with their college ways, and they want none of it." " You're not wrong" " Hey, what's that?" "Is that our bird?" " What bird?" " In that lorry." "That bird." "The one you used to go to France with her." " You mean Liz?" " Yes, where's she been this time?" "I don't know." "She goes where she feels like." "She just enjoys herself." " What does she do?" " All sorts- waitress, typist." "She works till she's fed up, then she goes somewhere else." "She's been all over." "Hello." "I'm fine." "Doncaster!" "Doncaster!" "Oh, God, what for?" "Hey!" "Can I what?" "Yes!" "In the classics!" "Yes!" "Go on!" "All right." "See you later." "Bye." "Quiet, ladies!" "Please!" "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure, on behalf of City Foods Limited, to invite..." "Danny... to ceremoniously open this store." "Uh, Danny Boon!" "It's all happening." "You've got a lot of relatives here this morning, haven�t you?" "Is that your auntie?" "Oh, no, it's my auntie!" " Hello, darling." "Still slimming'?" " Yes, I am." "It's all happening." "No, thank you." "I'm trying to give them up." "It's to cut the ribbon with, isn't it?" "Just a minute, before you take any more, could I have a pretty girl from the audience to come up here and help me cut the tape?" "Eh?" "Any pretty girl?" "We have a lot to choose from, haven't we?" "What about you, darling?" "You in the brown." "Would you mind comin'up here?" "There's a good girl." "A round of applause." "Very sporting girl." "That's it." "What about a kiss to start us off, eh?" " Ooh!" " It's all happened." " That's it." "Smile at the camera." " Ready, girls?" "Go on, Danny!" "Give us an autograph!" "He's dozed off." " Hey, got those things for you." " What?" " What things?" " Passion pills." " What I said I'd get for you." " Let us have a look." " Where'd you get them?" " This mate of mine fetched them from Singapore." " I bet they're bloody aspirins." " You what?" "Eh, steady!" "They'll give you the screaming abdabs." "One of these, two two-and-nines at the Regal, bag of chips and you're away!" "Good afternoon, sir." "Isn't it time you lads packed up?" "Just off, Councilor." "Ta." "I�m just waiting to see Mr. Shadrack, Councilor." "Well, you might give the floor a bit of a wipe up." ""Idle Jack, "or "Broad Acres, "" "a novel by William Fisher, chapter one." "Ned Leather nervously fingered his cap... as he faced the portly owner of Olroyd's Mill." ""Sorry, lad." ""No work... today, "" "he said." ""Sorry, lad." "No work today, " he said." "" I die J ack," a novel by..." "Bi I I Fisher." "No." "A novel by William Fisher." "William L. Fisher." "William D.L. Fisher." "William D. Lashwood Fisher." "William Fingal O'Flaherty Wills Fisher." "A critical biography." "Um, first of all, Mr. Shadrack," "I 'd like to thank you for what has been a very happy stay with the firm." "But I really do feel that I must seize... this, um, this new opportunity with both hands." "I'm sure you�ll appreciate my position." "Well, of course, need I say... the offer of a partnership with yourself and Mr. Duxbury... is an extremely attractive incentive for me." "But, unfortunately, my ambitions lie in other fields." "Of course, London's a big place." "It's a very big place, Mr. Shadrack." "A man could lose himself in London." "Lose himself." "Lose himself." "Lo-o-o-o-se himself." "Lose himself in London!" "Him, ah, self, ah!" "Him, ah, self, ah!" "Maaaaaaaaaaa." "Never in the field of human conflict... has so much" "One, two, three, four, testing." "Emmanuel Shadrack, this is your life." "This is your life, Mr. Shadrack." "Your life," "Mr. Shadrack." "Your life, Shaddy-addy-addy-adrack!" "Your life!" "Oi!" "Shadders!" "I hope my singing didn't put you off." "By the time we're burying you, you'll be going off in one of these." "Plastic." "Did you know that?" "Yes, you see, people don't realize." "It's all clean lines nowadays." "All these frills and fancies are going out." "It's all old." "Same as I tell Councilor Duxbury." "You've got to move with the times." "No use living in one style and dying in another, is it?" " Quite." " Sit down." "Make your self at home." "Oh, thank you." "So you're thinking of leaving us, eh, is that it?" "Well, I was thinking, since this new opportunity" ""I have succeeded in obtaining a post with Mr. Danny Boon."" " He's a comic, isn't he?" " A comedian, yes." "Very, very clever fellow." " So that's your ambition?" "Script writing?" " Yes, it always has been." "Do you get a salary each week, or do you get paid by the joke?" "Ah, why, it's ve-ve-very difficult to say, really." "You don't need me to tell you it's very unprofessional- a letter like this." " It is?" " Nobody wants to stand in your way." "Don't think that, but you might have gone about it in a more satisfactory manner." "We were hoping that you�d try and get one or two things cleared up... before you took a step like this." " Oh, yes." "I realize that" " There's those calendars to be explained, for one." " What calendars?" " I think you know what calendars, my friend." "Oh, no." "You see, there's been a bit of a misunderstanding." "It wasn't a misunderstanding Two or three hundred calendars... didn't get posted, to my knowledge." "We've got to get this cleared up, you see, Fisher." "We've got to get it cleared up and implemented." " If it's a question of payment." " Uh-huh." "Now wait a minute." "It's not as easy as that, you see." "There's the good will to consider." "Those calendars were for good will." "I can't understand why you didn't send them out." "For God's sake, why don't you tell the boring little man where to stick his job?" "We don't buy calendars just so that you can go out and chuck them on the fire, you know." "That's not what we're in business for." "And then there's this other matter." "Uh, what other matter?" "It's no use saying, "What other matter?"" "There's the matter of the postage money, isn't there?" "Just a minute." "Now, the first things we intend to do, Shadrack, is to nationalize the undertaking business." " Yes, Sir William." " This means we are going to need... experts in this field, men of vision." "I wonder if you remember showing a certain clerk... a revolutionary plastic coffin?" "Yes." "I was the wretch who forgot to post the calendars." "Yes, I can laugh now." "Good afternoon." "In connection with the late Mr. Mathieson, isn't it?" " Would you wait in here?" " Righty-o." "Thank you." " Thank you." " I shan't keep you one moment." "Thank you." "Then there's his library books." "We'll have them to take back." "Yes." "Yes, as I was saying, Fisher, there are discrepancies in the postage book." "I've been trying to get some sense out of your fingers here." " Oh, yes." " A curious system of bookkeeping you seem to have adopted." "Uh, no, this is my own personal double-entry method." "Only it's not quite up-to-date." "I'm sorry if there�s been any inconvenience." "Inconvenience." "It's not a question of inconvenience." "Anyway, I have to tell you that, under the circumstances, there's no question about accepting your resignation." "We may have to take some legal action." "I don't know." "I'll talk to you about it on Monday." "Why, Fisher?" "Why?" " Yes, now" " I was just saying you've got a gloomy job." "And now have you got the deposit?" "I went up to the third floor into the soft furnishings department." "They've got some lovely materials." "I saw some lovely stuff for the curtains." "Honestly, you'll love it." "It's sort of, um, well, a turquoise, really." "And it's got little squiggles, sort of, well, like wineglasses." " Oh, yes, very nice." " Only trouble is, if you get that yellow carpet, it won't match." " Still, that's my department, pet." " Hmm." "I don't know, darling." "I still say this ring's too big." " Why won't you let me get it altered?" " I don't think it's too big." "Anyway, I want everyone to see it first." " Don't blame me if you lose it." " You do worry so, Billy." " That's why I love you." " Oh, darling, you'll always love me, won�t you?" " Of course I will, pet." " Well, give me the ring, then." "No!" "You can have it back on Tuesday." "Then it'll be there forever." " Forever and ever." " That's it." "Go on now." "Give it to me." " No!" " Give me the ring before" " Billy!" " I'm, I'm sorry, darling." "I'm really not me self today." "It's so good your mum got these to keep me going." " What are they?" " Energy tablets." "Would you like a couple?" " No, thank you, pet." " Yes, it'll do you good." "Oh, well, will it taste all right?" "Oh, it'll taste fine." "Just drink this up." "Then we'll go for a walk... where it's quiet." "Oh, Billy, it's beautiful." "Aw!" "Tsk!" "Aw, just look at her little feet." "Aren't they lovely." "Aw!" "Oh, listen to this." ""With you, dearest Mother and darling Dad," "" happy were the years we had." ""And it is comfort in our pain... you are now together again."" " Isn't that nice?" " Charming." "Ooh!" "Ooh, Billy, look!" "There's a whole family in there!" " Aw, isn't it sweet?" " Fabulous." "Mmm!" "Aw, they're all dead." "What a shame!" " Darling?" " Hmm?" " How do you feel?" " Ah, contented." "Uh, you don't feel, you know, restless?" " No." " No." " Barbara?" " Hmm?" "Do you think it's wrong for people to have, you know, feelings?" "Not if they genuinely love each other." " Like we do?" " Oh, well, yes." "Would you think it wrong of me to have... feelings?" "I think we ought to be married first." " Oh, I love you, darling." " I love you, pet." " Doya, really and truly?" " Of course I do!" "Oh, sticky fingers." "Are you looking forward to getting married?" "I think about it every minute of the day." "Darling." "Billy!" "Oh, promise me you�ll never fall in love with anybody else." "Of course not, pet." "Now, come on." "Let's talk about our cottage." " Yes, well... we'll have a lovely cottage down in Devon." " Devon, yes." "We'll have a lovely garden with roses and daffodils." "And a lovely lawn with a little swing..." " for little Billy and little Barbara..." " Little Barbara." " to play on." " Mm-hmm." "We'll have our meals down by the lily pond in the summer." "Oh, oh, do you think a lily pond's safe?" "I mean, what if the kiddies wandered too near and fell in?" "We'll build a wall around it." "We needn't have a pond at all." "We could have an old well." "Yes, an old brick well where we draw the water." "We could make it our wishing well." "And we could have... a rustic bridge... with a stream flowing beneath it, not too deep because of the children." "And we could have gnomes, mushrooms." "Billy!" "Are you feeling all right?" "Of course, darling." "Why?" "Well, look where your hand is." "Oh." "But I want to touch you." "Well, it seems indecent somehow." "You know you're making me ill, don�t you?" "Oh, poor pet." "Why am I making you ill?" "Well, surely you�ve heard of, well, of repressions." "The nervous reactions of a man who's not" "I know what you mean, pet, but we must be patient." "We must." "I mean, we'd only regret it." " Well, just have one more energy tablet." " No, thank you." " I'm going to have an orange. - " I'm going to have-" You and your bloody oranges!" "I'm sorry, darling." "I" " I've had a terrible morning." " I've come about a ring." " Oh, yes." "An engagement ring brought in for alterations." " Oh, I see." "What name is it, madam?" " It should be under Fisher." " Fisher." "Just a moment." " If he gave you my name, it would be Corrigan." "Corrigan." "Just a moment." "Fisher." "Corrigan." "Fisher." "Corrigan." " Got a Farmer." " No, no, Fisher." "Fisher." " Hey, what was that?" " Where?" " That at the bottom." " That's Cor-Corcoran." "That's a cuckoo clock." " When did it come in?" " Wednesday, I think." "So he said." " Uh, darling." " Mmm?" "Are you still coming for your tea tomorrow?" "Oh, of course." "Oh, well, if you are, there are some things we've got to get cleared up and implemented." "What things?" "You know I've got a fairly vivid imagination, don�t you, darling?" "Well, you have to have if you�re going to be a scriptwriter, don�t you?" "Right." "Well, being a scriptwriter," "I'm perhaps at times a bit inclined... to let my imagination run away with me, as you know." "You don't mean you've been telling me lies." "Not lies, exactly." "But I suppose I've been, you know, exaggerating some things a bit, being a scriptwriter." "For instance, there's that business about me father- him getting danger money on a petrol tanker." " He's not on a petrol tanker?" " He wasn't even in the navy." " What was he, then?" " He was a conscientious object" "No, he wasn't anything." "He wasn't fit." "He has trouble with his knees." "Oh." "How many other lies have you been telling me?" " Uh, me sister." " Don't tell me you haven't got a sister." "Well, I did have, but she's dead." "If you�re still coming for you tea tomorrow, they never talk about her." "Come on." "I'm just not good enough for you, you know, Barbara." "You ought to give me that engagement ring back." "I'll understand." " I forgive you, pet." " Oh." "But promise me one thing." " That I'll never lie to you again?" " Mm-hmm." "I'll never lie to you again." "Never." "I promise." "Billy, are we going dancing tonight?" "Billy, are we going dancing tonight, to the Roxy?" "Don't say anything." "There's Arthur's mother." "Good afternoon." "Good afternoon, Mrs. Crabtree." "I don't think you�ve met my sister Sheila." " Sheila, Mrs. Crabtree." " Don't try and be clever with me." "I happen to know Barbara very well indeed!" "Well," "I'm catching a bus, actually." "But, Billy!" "I should watch him." "JaneWildeblood coming to the last fence for a clear round." "No, I'm afraid she's- I'm afraid she's down there." " She was completely unseated." " They build them fences too high." "They tumble down." "Of course she will be penalized, and that does spoil her chances." "Is that our Billy?" "His old raincoat's been in the bathroom all morning." "And if it isn't our Billy, where's his old raincoat been, then?" "Don�t you be so cheeky." "And what time do you call this?" "27 minutes, 13 seconds past 2:00." " I've had a very eventful morning." " Don't pick!" "You seem to think I've nothin' else better to do but cook." "Well, you get no dinner." "I've finished cooking' for one day." "You ought to start comin' home for dinnertime, instead of gabbing' about town." " Good afternoon, Father." " I've not sat down all morning." "If I�m not sick" " I'm doin' this for you." "Do you realize that?" "You've got Barbara comin' for tea tomorrow, but you won't do anything, will ya?" "You've no consideration." "She sounds like such a nice girl, this Barbara." "Go answer that bell." "Go on." "You're idle and scruffy, and you have no manners." " What are manners?" " Talk some sense, man." "If that's what they learnt when he went to grammar school, thank God I'm bloody ignorant." " A confession!" " Don't be cheeky." " You!" " Hello, Rita." "Just a minute." "Who is it, Billy?" "Just a minute." "Yes, you rotten, lying, cross-eyed git!" "You're nothing else!" "Hello, Rita." "Sorry I can't ask you in." "We're having our chimney swept." "They'll be having you swept before I finish." "It might just interest you to know I have been down to that jewelers, and they've never heard of you, never mind that flamin' ring." " You must have gone to the wrong shop." " No, I didn't!" "I went to the right shop." "Hendersons in Bridge Street." "That's funny." "Did you see Mr. McMichael?" "I saw the fellow behind the counter!" "Well, you should have asked Mr. McMichael in the workshop." "He's my godfather." "He's doing it privately." "You are rotten to me, Billy." "It's true." "Ask me dad if you don't believe me." "That's me Uncle Ernest." "My dear old Uncle Ernest." "Oh, I don't know where I am with you, Billy." "We're supposed to be engaged!" " You once said you didn't want to marry me." " I did not!" "I said I weren't gonna live in a rotten cottage in Devon, so don't come that one with me." "I want that ring back, and I want it tonight!" "That's just it." "I've got to stay in to play Monopoly with Uncle Ernest." "Oh, Monopoly!" "I'll tell you what you�re doing tonight." "You're taking me dancing, to the Roxy." "I'll see you outside at 7.:00." "And don�t you be late, right?" "Barbara" " I mean, Rita!" "Oh, hell." " Afternoon." " Afternoon." "Meanwhile in this open race" "Hey, come in here, you." "Who's she supposed to be?" " Oh, just a friend." " That's not the one that's coming for tea tomorrow, is it?" " No, that's Barbara." " Well, who's this one, then?" "Just a friend." "She was just passing." "She's gone to see her Uncle Ernest." "He lives up on that new estate." "They're all new houses up there." " I thought you were thinking of getting engaged." " Some has two bedrooms" " Yes, but" " You can't carry on like this." " messin' about with one lass after another." " I realize that." "Well, if you are gonna get engaged, why not wait a bit?" "Some has bathrooms upstairs, and some has bathrooms downstairs." "I don't believe in interfering, but if you�re gonna get engaged, well, bloody get engaged." "If you�re not, well, don't bloody bother." "But don't come to me and say that I tried to stop you." "It's not that simple, Dad." "I haven't really decided what I want to do yet." "Well, you couldn't do any worse than me and your mother." "When we started, we hadn't two happenings to rub together." "I told her, I said, "You don't get married till you're 21."" " Well, we've managed." " It's not a question of managing, Dad." "It's just that I haven't made me mind up yet." "You want to make your mind up before she makes it up for you." " If I go to London" " When your mom was 21, I said," " "You can do as you like."" " Just a minute, Grandma." " " Don't come running to me if you can't manage."" " Just a minute!" " "You've got to make-"" " For God's sake, belt up!" "You, what?" "What did you say?" "Say that again!" " I'm only remarking" " Talk bloody properly when you talk to me!" "What did you say to your grandmother?" "Ignorant, that's what you are!" "Hey, look out." "That's shirt's clean." "I'll clean shirt him, answering his grandmother back like that!" " Leave him alone." " Him and his fountain pens and bloody suede shoes." " If he wants to go to London, he can bloody well go." " Oh, but he's not." " I'm finished with him." "He can go." " But he's not." " He can pack his things and get going!" " I'm telling you, he's not." " I can explain all of this." " Ever since he started work." "Grumbling about this." "If it isn't his boiled egg, it's something else." " Oh, shut up." " So what do you do?" "Buy him special corn flakes." " What ifl do?" " And why?" "Because there's a submarine in the package." " He wants putting away." " Now, you just listen to me." " He's not old enough to go to London" " Not old enough?" "He's old enough to get into the bloody army." " You want to get into the bloody army as well." " Oh, for heaven's sake!" "Hold your noise, Geoffrey." "I can't stand it anymore." "I've been cooking in here" "Well, every day it's the same." "It gets on my nerves." "Mom!" "Mom, i-it's Gran." "I t think she's had another of her dos." "Now look what you've done." "Get her tablets, Geoffrey." "Hey, get them tablets out of the dressing table drawer." "Go on, go on, move!" "We must get her onto the couch." "She'll be all right there." "You'll be all right, love." "You'll be all right." "Oh, come on, get out of there." "I can't wait all day for you." "Come on, Geoffrey!" "Haven�t you found them yet?" "Oh, come on, Geoffrey!" "Hurry up!" " You weigh a ton." " Feathers." "She wants to burn some feathers." "Never mind pills." "Here you are." "That's it." "Put it in your mouth." "Come on." "Have a sip." " Is she all right?" " As all right as she'll ever be." "All right." "I'll be off, then." " Where's he going?" " Oh, we've more to worry about than him." "Now you all right, love?" "We have fought." "We have fought long and hard." "Now at last, our struggle has been rewarded." "Italy is within our grasp!" "I offer you nothing but liberty, fraternity and equality!" "Come on!" "We will rebuild!" "Cannon and mortar have devastated... our drab and shoddy streets." "But this I pledge." "Battalions of craftsmen... will change the face of our city." "We will build towers!" "Towers!" "No less." "Fisher!" "Fisher!" "Fisher!" "Overshadowing all events is the massacre at Bluebell Valley." "And General Fisher makes a personal pilgrimage... to the war-scarred fields where he himself was wounded." "Meanwhile, protests are pouring into the United Nations... as once again a shadow falls across the world." "Truly, history has been made again... and in violent fashion." "Now then, lad." "Afternoon, Councilor." " Well, it's a grand day for it." " Aye." "Been watching football, eh?" "I'm just bound for a walk over the moor." "What've you got there?" "The Crown Jewels?" "No, gramophone records, LPs." "There were naught like that when I were a lad." "No record players." "We had to make us own music if we wanted it." "Male voice choir we used to have." "Then there was Chapel Choir." "There were two Chapel Choirs because there was another chapel down Moor Cross Road." "Ah, but they're all comin' down, all the old buildings." "Trams, they've gone." "City center, that's all new." "Aye, but you could get a glass of beer, meat pie, cigarettes, matches and change out of four pence." " Aye." " Aye." "Dost thou think I could climb down yonder?" "That would break your neck." "Well, I'll have to manage it, whether or not." "I'm going down to the police station." "Wh-What are you going there for?" " Well, we're pulling it down." " That's not, is that?" "Yeah, that." "All yon cottages and all are going." "Well, I'll be on my way now, Councilor." "So, afternoon." "Aye." "I say." "Come here." "You're a right one with them calendars, aren�t you?" " I'd have thought thee had more sense than that, lad." "So, you're planning to go to London then, eh?" "Aye." "Just about through with this place." "How do you mean?" "Why, it's neither muckling nor mickling, is it?" "Thou art taking a rise out of me, young man?" "No, sir!" "Well, then just talk as your father and mother brought thee up to talk." "I had no education." "I had to educate myself." "But that's no reason to mock me." "Now then, I don't know what else to do yet." "I haven't decided." "But listen." " Can you take a bit of advice?" " Yes, sir." "Now, you're a young man." "You've got a long way to go, but you can't do it by yourself." "Now, think on." "Me grandma's poorly." "Well, I'm glad to have had the chance of a word with you." "Now, think on." "We'll be back in London in about three hours, so I'll call you then." " Okay." "Bye." " They charged us for four single rooms!" "Phone calls to London, London, Luton." " Luton?" " Excuse me." " Yeah?" " Have you anything to do with Mr. Boon?" " Can I help you?" " I was wondering ifl could have a word with him." " You want an appointment." "He's extremely busy." " I have written" "Somebody's had 26 other phone calls." " Do you know him?" " I've never seen him." "Don't turn him away, Bertie." "I've got three gross of these to unload." " What's your name, son?" " I'm Billy Fisher." ""To Billy."" "I haven't put "with love." People might get the wrong idea." " Be seeing you." " Uh, no." " I sent you some of my scripts." " Scripts?" " You sent me some scripts?" " Yes." "You wrote me a letter." "You said that I was to call and see your manager." "Oh, did you?" "And here you are, eh?" "Well, so you want to be a scriptwriter, eh, Billy?" "Well, it's a great life." "It really is." "How's it going?" "Have you sold any material?" "Well, I was hoping that you would be able to use me... in someway as a scriptwriter." "Oh, oh, well, that's just it, Billy." "You see, I don't maintain a personal script writer." "I've got enough to do supporting these layabouts here." "'Course, I'm always in the market for individual gags, you know." "And I pay pro rata." "Are you ever up in London?" " Now and again." " Well, I'll tell you what you do." "You pop in and see me at the office." "We'll have a bit of a chat." "Well, good luck then, Billy, and keep writing, eh?" " Has he stood you up, then?" " Oh, get off your knees!" "Come with us." "We'll take you home." "Won't we, Todd?" "Yeah, we'll take you home." "Come on." " Come on." " Right, then." " Here you are." " Hey!" "Not so free with the hands!" "Thanks, mate." " Hello, Liz." " Hello, Billy." " I knew you were back." " Oh, news travels fast." " Where have you been this time?" " Here and there." " Up and down." " 'Round and about." " Why didn�t you ring me up?" " I was going to." " Thank you very much." " No, really I was going to." "I knew you�d be here tonight." "So I am here, my dear." "Me and a few others." " How's everything with you?" " Fine." "How's the script writing, and how's that book coming along?" "I finished it." "It's gonna be published next Christmas." "Count five and tell the truth." "Oh, well, I haven't started writing it yet." " Oh, bad as ever." " I've written some scripts." " Have you?" "Honest?" " I've been offered a job in London, script writing." " No!" " It's for the comedian Danny Boon." "Really?" "I met him this morning." "He was opening the supermarket, and he asked me to cut the tape." "So I noticed in the paper." " Well, when�re you going?" " Oh, soon." " When's soon?" " Well, as soon as I can manage." "It's a bit vague." "Why don't you go now?" " Why, it's difficult." " No, it's not." "It's easy." "You get on a train, and four hours later, there you are in London." "It's easy for you." "You've had the practice." "Shall we go for a walk or something?" " Soon." " Thank you." "Kookie Twisterella She hasn't got a fella" " Hey, "Twisterella."" " Eh?" " It's my song." "Me and Arthur wrote it." " Honestly?" "Yeah, words and music by Fisher and Crabtree." "We gave it to them months ago." "The never said they were gonna play it tonight." " Did you really write it?" " Isn't it great?" "She hasn't got a fella" "The kids all have a ball" "But she doesn't mind at all" "Congratulations." "Oh,just a little thing I scribbled on a menu in a fish restaurant." "And I suppose that menu's worth hundreds of pounds." "The price offish has risen steeply since the war, my dear." "She's got the kind of shake that's irre" "Irresistible" " Kookie Twisterella" " Hang on a minute." " She hasn't got a fella" " Somebody over there I'm anxious to avoid." "The kids all have a ball but she doesn't mind at all" "She's Twisterella" "Yeah, Twisterella" " Billy!" " Hello, darling." "I've been waiting outside for half an hour." "I said I'd see you inside." "Come on." "Let's dance, anyway." "I like it." "This is my song." "Me and Arthur wrote it." " Did you, pet?" " Yeah." "It's the first time they've played it." " I can't do it." " Of course you can." " Like this with your legs." " What do you do with your feet?" " With your hips." " No, pet." "Come on." "Let's have an orange squash." "Come on." "But she doesn't mind at all" "She's Twisterella Yeah, Twisterella" "Oh, look what crawled out of the corned beef!" " Kookie Twisterella" " Hello, Rita." " She hasn't got a fella" " I don't think you've met Barbara." " The kids all have a ball" " Barbara, this is Rita." " But she doesn't mind at all She's Twisterella" " Rita, this is Barbara." "I 'm very glad you've come, because I think I owe you a word of explanation." "A word of explanation?" "Just get back in the cheese with the other maggots." "Will you kindly tell me who this girl is?" "Oh, get Madam Fancy Knickers!" "I suppose she's your rotten sister." "I thought she was in a rotten iron lung!" "For your information, I happen to be Billy's fianc�e." "Well, for your information, he happens to be engaged to me!" " In front of a witness!" " I think I can explain all of this." "Explain till you're blue in the rotten face." "It'll make no difference to me." "I realize this must all seem very confusing to you, Rita." "But I thought Barbara had broken the engagement off." " Billy!" " You gave that ring to me!" " Well, there's been a bit of a mix-up, Rita." " Yeah, there has." "Well, you don't handle the goods unless you intend to buy." "Ooh, you're rotten." "Does this mean you're breaking the engagement off?" "You don't get off it like that!" "I want that ring!" "I've got to know!" "Have you been having relations with this girl?" "What do you think he's been doing?" "Knitting a pullover?" "Give me that ring!" "It's mine!" "I shall give the ring back if and when I break off the engagement." " Are you gonna give me that ring?" " Don�t you threaten me!" "I won't threaten you." "I'll flatten you." "Take off that ring!" " No!" "It's mine!" " Give it to me!" " Give it to me!" " Right." "Come on, Gerry." " No!" "Let me go!" " Give me that ring!" "It's mine!" "You've had it, Fisher mate." "You've had it." "Ladies and gentlemen, that last number we just played was called "Twisterella."" "It's a brand-new one, and it's written by two of our local boys here," "Arthur Crabtree- here's Arthur" "and his colleague Billy Fisher." "Billy's somewhere in the hall, I know." "He's probably celebrating some wonderful news he's had today." " There he is." " Billy Fisher." "The man himself!" "Congratulations, Billy." "We just heard of your wonderful job in London... writing scripts for comedian Danny Boon." "Congratulations and best of luck." "Billy Liar!" "Ladies and gentlemen, start with us the conga." "Stupid!" "What do you want to tell 'em that for?" " Why not?" "It's all fixed up, isn't it?" " Mind your own business!" "Yes, mate." "And that's what you want to do as well." "'Cause listen, I don't know what tale you've been telling my mother... about Barbara being this sister of yours, but she's been going on at me all afternoon, so just pack it in... and grow up!" "Mr. William Fisher wanted on the telephone, please." "Mr. William Fisher!" "Mr. William Fisher wanted on the telephone." "Let's go." "Can Mr. William Fisher please come to the telephone?" "Thank you." "Liz, do you find life difficult?" "You know, I wish it were something you could turn off and start again." "You know, like starting a new page in an exercise book." "It's been done." "Turning over a new leaf." "I turn over a new leaf every day, but the blots show through." "Billy, who do you love?" "Thee, lass." " Yes, it sounds like it, doesn't it?" " I do, Liz, I do." "Say it properly, then." "Well, I do, Liz, I do." " I want to marry you, you know, Billy?" " I get engaged too often." "I don't want to get engaged." "I want to get married." "Well, uh, we will one day." "Yes... one day." " Billy?" " What?" "You know, you know what you wanted me to do that night?" "When we were walking through the park." "And I said another night." "Yes." "Well, it's another night tonight, isn't it?" " Are you sure?" " Yes." "Uh, well, what-what" " Billy?" " Mm-hmm?" "You know there have been others, don't you?" "Oh, well, I somehow imagined that there might have been." " Shall I tell you about them?" " No, no." "Well, go on, then." "Tell me about it." " No, not now." " No, tell me about it." " You think that's why I'm always going away?" " I don't know." "Oh, it's not that." "It's" " Sometimes I want to go away." "It's not you, Billy." "It's this town." "It's the people we know." "I don't like knowing everybody." "I don't like becoming a part of things." " Don�t you know what I mean?" " Yes, I do, Liz." "I do." "What I'd like to be is invisible." "I'd like to be able to move around without having to explain anything." "Liz, listen." "Do you know what I do when I want to feel invisible?" "Well, I've never told anybody before." "I have a sort of- well, it's an imaginary country where I go." " It has its own people." " Do you do that?" "I knew you would." "Oh, Billy, why are we so alike?" "You know I can read your thoughts." "Town" "Oh, no, no, no." "This is more than a town." "It's a whole country." "I'm supposed to be the prime minister, and you're the foreign secretary." " Oh, thank you." " I think about it for hours." "Sometimes I think if we were married, with a house of our own, we could just sit and imagine ourselves there." " Yes, we could." " I want a room in the house with a green/beige door." "It will be a big room, and when we go in it through the door, that's it." "That's our country." "Nobody else will be allowed in at all." "And I thought we could make models of the principal cities out of cardboard... and have toy soldiers painted for the people." "We can draw maps." "In the afternoon, we could go there and nobody'd find us." "We could design our own newspapers." "We could make uniforms if we wanted to." "It will be our country." "Let's have a model train that the kids won't be allowed to use." "Oh, Liz, Liz, will you marry me?" "Yes, Billy." "Oh, Liz." " What is it?" " It's nothing." "Whoever's out there is gonna get their bastard teeth knocked down their throat!" ""I'm the prime minister, and you're the foreign secretary."" "Leave them, Billy." "Oh, leave them." "They're not worth it." "The whole place isn't worth it." "Bastards." "Look, Billy, why don�t you go to London?" "I'll come with you." "Oh, it would be marvelous if we could." "But we can, Billy, we can." "What's there to stop us?" " There are all sorts of arrangements to make." " No, there's not." "You just buy a ticket and get on a train." "That's all you have to do." " Well, you can't just go." " Yes, you can." "We could go tonight." " There's a midnight train." "It gets into London at 7.:00." " What, tonight, Liz?" "Yes, 12:05 from Central Station." "We'll be in London tomorrow." "Breakfast at Lyon's." "Hyde Park in the afternoon." "Piccadilly tomorrow evening." " Look, what time is it?" " I-It's just after 10:00." "I'm going, Billy." "Are you coming with me?" " Yes, Liz, I'm coming." " Are you sure?" "I'm coming with you." "Right." "I'll meet you at the barrier at about 12:00, all right?" " Fine, yeah." " What are you gonna tell your father and mother?" "Oh, they know about it already, more or less." " Billy, you won't let me down, will you?" " No, of course I won't." "We're going to London!" "Father, the men- they're coming up the drive!" "Yeah." "Oh, I see." "Oh, oh, I see." "She's still with her, is she?" "Right." "Thank you very much." "Good-bye." "Well, what time of night do you call this?" "It's only 10:00." "Why?" "Do you want some chips bring in?" "Never mind chips." "They're down at the infirmary." " Who?" " You mother and your grandmother." "Who the hell do you think?" "Your grandmother�s been taken badly again." "Why?" "What's up with her?" "What's always up with her?" "You should know." "I've been ringing that bloody dance hall for the past hour, trying to get word to you." "Why don�t you go where you say you�re going?" "Is it serious or something?" "Your mother wants you down at the infirmary." "Go on." "Go on and get yourself a taxi ordered." "Hello." "Speedway Taxis?" "Could you send a cab to 23 Ringway Crescent, please?" "It's to go to the infirmary." "Oh, good, good." "Thank you." "Be about ten minutes." " You don't go up there." " I'm just" " You don't go up there, I said." " I'm just gonna get washed." "Well, you can stop looking." "You don't go up there." "I'm fed up with you, with your idling and your meddling ways and all of the things besides." " What's up?" " "What's up?"" " What did you do with that letter of your mother's?" " What letter?" " That letter that you promised to post for her." " I posted it." "You posted bloody nothing!" "I" "I did post it." "That's just the rough copy." "Don't tell me your lies." "I found it upstairs in the wardrobe." " Hey, and what about them calendars as well?" " What calendars?" "I'll give you what if you don't stop saying "what" to me, young man." "You can't keep your hands off nothing, can you?" "I've got it all from Councilor Duxbury." "What have you been doing with their petty cash?" "And where is that monkey wrench out of my garage?" "What would I want with a monkey wrench?" "What do you want with 200 calendars?" "You're not right in your head!" "Don't bloody shout at me!" " I'll knock you into next week!" " God give me strength." "Strength!" "He wants to give you some sense." "You're like a bloody Mary Ann." "You ought to be grateful you've got a job in an office." "Grateful, grateful!" "Grateful for this, for that!" "That's all I've ever heard!" "Grateful you let me go to the grammar school since the first day I went there!" " It's a chance we never had!" " And don't we bloody well know it?" "I've got to be grateful for winning my own scholarship!" "And what did you say when I came running home to tell you I'd won it?" "That you�d have to pay for the uniform, and I ought to be grateful!" "And I'm supposed to be grateful to Shadrack and Duxbury... for letting me sit in one of their rotten, stinking desks all day!" "Well, you took the job on, and you'll stop it when all that money's paid back." " I'm not." "I'm leaving." " What do you mean, you're leaving?" " I'm going to London." " What the hell do you think you can do in London?" " Write scripts." " Don't talk so bloody wet." "You ought to do a proper day's work." "Who's gonna run this business?" "You once told me you didn't want me in the business!" "Only because you were too bloody idle, that's all." "Somebody's got to carry it on!" "Who's gonna keep your mother?" " You're not retiring, are you?" " I'll give you a kick up your backside." "I'm not arguing about it." "I'm going." "Go, then." "I'm finished with you." "And don't think you�re gonna take my suitcase with you, either." "My husband had a bad accident three years back." " Did he?" " He's all right now, but at the time" "We looked all over for you, lad." " Where's me grandma?" " In there." "They've got that black doctor to her." "She can't talk." "We're just waiting." "She was all right just after you went out." "Then when your father came home, we were all just watching television... and she slumps forward in her chair... and she started to slaver, just like a-just like a baby." "Will she be all right?" "I don't know, lad." "I... don't know." "Well, you've got yourself into a fine mess, haven�t you?" "So it would seem." "I'm only thankful she knows nothing about it." "Why didn�t you post that letter of mine to " Housewives' Choice"?" "I did post it." "I just wrote it out again, that's all." " What for?" " There was some mistakes in it." "I thought it would stand a better chance if it was more grammatical, that's all." "Well, we can't all be Shakespeares, can we?" "Anyway, we're going to sit down tomorrow and go over everything you've done... and everything you've taken." "Yes, well, I won't be here tomorrow." " How do you mean?" " I'm going to London." "I'd have been to the station already, well, if it hadn't been for Grandma." "If you�re in any more trouble, Billy, it's not something you can leave behind you, you know?" "You put it in your suitcase, and you take it with you." "Mother, I said I'm going, and I'm definitely going." "Mrs. Fisher, would you come this way, please?" ""Three passengers on a Belfast plane..." ""were Mr. Goose, Mr. Gander and the Reverend Mr. Gosling." "They did not know each other."" "The Lord is my shepherd;" "I shall not want." "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures." " T ea?" " Please." " Sixpence." " Al I right." "Ta." "Your grandma died at seven minutes past eleven." "It's hot." " Do you want to go in and see her?" " Uh, no." "I can't drink it." "What time train you're supposed to be catching?" "Around midnight." "So..." "I've got to go... or I won't catch it." "You haven't got any money." "Yes, I have." "I've managed to save a few pounds." "Do you want me to get you a taxi?" "No." "I've got some papers to sign first." "We don't say much, but- but we need you at home, lad." "Yes, well, I mean, I- I won't be away for long." "I'll" " You know, I'll just get fixed up." "Well, I can come home next weekend." "See, I've got to go, or I'll miss the train." "I'm sorry about me grandma." "Officers and gentlemen of the Ambrosian Militia, we are assembled here at the graveside... to pay our respects to a great lady." "There are many of us who would not be here today... but for her tender mercies." "Although in her later years she was limbless from the waist down, she struggled valiantly to combat ignorance and disease." "Although she will be remembered by the world... as the inventor of penicillin and radium, we of this proud regiment... will remember her as our friend, the Lady of the Lamb." "Sir?" "Sir?" " A ticket to London." " Single or return?" " Single." " Two pound, eight and three, please." " She'll look after you, son, I'm telling you." " Yeah." " Fifteen shillings." " You'll be all right." "Of course you will." " What time's your train in the morning?" " About six-ish." "Six-ish, is it?" "She'll see you arrive on time." " Have a nice breakfast before you go, won�t you?" " Of course I will." " We'll look after him, won't we?" " He'll be all right." "You'll be all right." "When will you be back in country to see us?" "That young man is blind drunk." "What a shame." "That poor girl." "You shouldn't drink, and you wouldn't get like this!" "Get that man in the guardhouse." "He'll feel great in the morning." "Come on." "Come on!" "Ah!" "Oh, look what's crawled out of the cheese!" "Hello, Lisa." "From forest and lea we come." "Um, what happened to Barbara, then?" "I don't know, and I don't care." "You think you�re somebody, don�t you?" "I'll tell you something." "You're not!" "You're nobody." "I'm sorry." "You can have the ring, for all I care." "That ring?" "I wouldn't touch it." "Go on, get away." "You're just muck." "Come on, you." "Come on!" "I go walking at night." "Left, right, left, right." " Hi." " I had to walk." "Oh, never mind." "Do you good." "Just missed the last bus." "I saw it going." "I turned the corner, and there it was moving on." "Oh, yeah." "So I walked." "I went through the back streets." "I passed me old school." "There you are." " Come on, you birds!" "We can't wait all night!" " All right, we're here." " Here you are." " Do you have the tickets?" " Ta." " Ta." "Well, I seem to have three face cloths and no toothbrush." "So I can borrow yours, can't I?" "Yes." "Have you got some cigarettes?" " Yes, I've got some." "Do you want one?" " Uh, no." "It's stuffy in here." "Where are we going?" "Is it worth the money?" "I don't know." "Who's gonna kick for me tomorrow night, then?" " Oh, not again!" " You love that!" "Yeah, but I had to leave, didn't I?" "I had to pay the rent." "And too many parties and all." "I hope you're not gonna talk all night like last time." "We can't get anything to eat on this train, can we?" "Never mind." "I 've got some sandwiches with me." "Well, would you like me to get you a drink?" "No, not really." " Penzance." " Penzance?" "Yeah, and then we're back to Scotland." "Wait a minute." "There's a milk machine on the station." " I can go and get you some." " I don't really want any." "No, i-i-it'll only take a minute." "Save me a place." "Hurry up, Billy!" "I wonder if that kind lady would let me share her gaff." "That kind lady'll give you a punch up the throat." " Just gonna get some milk." " You haven't got long." "Ambrosia, Ambrosia..."