"Previously on "United States of Tara"..." "Premature labor induced via volkswagen?" "I don't know how you're gonna top that one, Tara!" "I don't want you in here with the baby, Tara." "You know your sister is ill, but you're the one who's in trouble, miss, and you're just letting her go on and on about all these stupid little things." "A mother should never lie." "I don't want to see mom and dad." "We are going to draw up a contract." "I want to do a paper on this." "I'm not a lab rat." "What's this?" "Her declaration of co-dependence." "What do you... what do you want with her?" "I think I can help her." "There are rules about when and where the alters can take over the body and punishment for those who go against the agreement." "We could either make a movie about how complicated it is living with your mother or we could make a movie about how much I masturbate." "Something's going on with you two." "No, there isn't!" "Yes, there is." "I'm nobody's third." "Can I go now?" "I don't care what you do, trainee." "Ahh!" " Uh..." " Welcome to skykans." "Held her close." "I laid her down." "I even killed a goat and made an offering to Satan." "Nothing fucking works!" "You know, this would be a hell of a lot easier if I could actually touch the baby." "You want to show her?" "Yeah." "You did this." "I mean, it never happens that way." "Buck listened to me." "The contract works." "And those fucking crows." "You know, they're actually supposed to be songbirds, but I'm telling you, they are singing the worst song you can possibly think of." "Oh, that's Billy Joel..." ""allentown."" "I wanted buck to kill the bird, and so he killed the bird." "But more important than that, when he was done," "I wanted him to leave, and he did." "I mean, this is a big deal." "I agree." "It's a very big deal." "But you're smirking." "Yeah, I always smirk when I'm listening." "And I find people having emotional breakthroughs very funny." "It just feels like everything's different now." "The alters used to be these..." "These assholes making messes, but they were all actually helping." "T is even in a.A." "What I really want to know from you is about the stuff you do not want to talk about." "I-I'm telling you everything." "Well, you haven't mentioned your husband." "Let's have a look." "Husband says, "man, you know," ""kids are all gonna grow up and stuff." "You gonna still be crazy and a bunch of people?"" "And you replied, "hmm." "Well, I'll have to think about that."" "Did you ever really talk about it?" "Well..." "We did talk about it." "No, you had sex." "Didn't talk about it." "I'm doing fine." "I'm never fine." "Me?" "Doing fine?" "It's actually amazing." "So fine's the top?" "That's all you want, is fine?" "No better than fine?" "And in the event of a water landing, you're probably going to be like," ""why is there water between Kansas City and Tulsa?"" "It could happen." "You should exit in an orderly fashion." "Also, there is a serious lack of booze on this flight." "Our pilot, he's religious or something." "Very boring." "Stone-cold sober." "Still..." "Thank you." "I have one tiny bottle of booze left, and it is reserved for someone who can do a tiny favor for me in Tulsa." "Any takers?" "Oh." "You over there." "Uh..." "That guy..." "I know that guy, and if you need something important to be done, he's not the guy." "Oh, you're the guy." "I'm Evan." "I know Tulsa." "It's a terrible city..." "smells like feet." "But, unfortunately, I do know it." "That guy has to stop at every mirror just to look at his hair." "And you clearly don't have that problem." "Ooh." "Yeah." "I, uh, just wake up looking this way." "Fine." "Yes." "Await my instructions." "You couldn't have waited for me before starting to eat?" "Hey, at least I invited you here." "And I appreciate it, Neil, but still, it's the least you could do." "Got any pictures?" "Oh, she's absolutely beautiful." "Why am I sitting in a diner and not pinching those fat, fat cheeks?" "Well, Charmaine doesn't know I'm here." "And the top of her head, how does it smell?" "All sweet and milky, right?" "It's the greatest smell in the world." "Hmm." "So, why did you ask me here?" "What do you want?" "Uh..." "Nothing." "Nothing." "I want my little girl to meet her Nana, and I want to put my family together." "Thanks, mom." "Please reconsider before calling me that." "What the hell is "flower bee beautiful" spray?" "Oh, that's perfume." "We spray perfume on flowers 'cause flowers don't smell good enough." "A dab on the wrist." "Dab behind the ear." "Hey, that's probably poison." "Yeah, that's right." "I work in a place where we put poison on flowers." "You know, there's green dye in the lawn spray so we can trick people into thinking we do a good job." "It's just a job." "Hey, slow down, Fred flintstone." "I love ribs, Max." "Let me love the things I love." "You know, when we first met, you were in a band." "You only got into landscaping because we were dumb kids suddenly impregnated with responsibility." "Marshall will make films." "Kate can..." "Go around the world." "Let them like their jobs." "Well, let's give up on life 'cause we're old." "No." "It's not that simple." "I mean, you never came home in the middle of the day for lunch when we had four winds." "We go to work so we can come home and rip off our clothes on this table." "I know we didn't have sex on this table the other night." "I knew it was t." "Oh, you did, really?" "Yeah." "I'm not new at this." "Of course it was t." "She wanted me to spit in her ear when she came." "So romantic." "Look..." "I want you." "Just you." "I don't want the minor leaguers." "And if you can't make it..." "I'll wait." "Sure, yeah, I'll be..." "I'll be a little pissed, but it has to be you." "Okay?" "It looks like shit." "No." "I-I get where you're going with this... the house, the town." "This is the kind of film we're making." "Yeah." "Yeah, a film with no actors, um, no help, a terrible set in my basement." "Thank you, Lionel." "I think we bring something to this that Lionel can't, like lights and... and lenses and the ability to turn a fucking camera on." "He should call his film" ""wait, wait." "What does this button do?"" ""What does the red light mean?"" "Anything in here that we can use?" "No." "Uh, don't go in there." "It's a movie about your family, right?" "We need the personal." "A secret box?" "We have to use it." "Any old fucked-up videos in here?" "I'm sure they're all fucked-up." "I think she's hungry." "Are you hungry?" "Are you hungry, cassandra?" "Oh, don't bother with "cassandra."" "Neil won." "She'll only respond to "wheels"" "and sometimes Chinese curse words." "Yeah." "Neil's weird." "Here." "Feed her." "There's nothing coming out of these." "It'll happen." "No." "She keeps sucking, and she's getting nothing from me." "It's kind of like Andy centino in high school." "Oh, God." "Do you think maybe it's psychosomatic?" "I mean, did you cover that in your class yet?" "Well, I'll check the syllabus, but I think we, uh, we study the psychology of your breasts after the midterm." "No, I have a lot of anxiety about breast-feeding with implants." "I mean, I'm feeding foreign bodies to my child." "Where'd you hear that?" "The Mel Gibson tapes." "That's what you got out of the Mel Gibson tapes?" "Well, he's not wrong about everything." "Yeah, I want to get her one of those bugaboo strollers." "They're supposed to..." "Neil, be careful with that, okay?" "I am out of here." "You lookin' old, bitch!" "She repels me, and t knows that." "She kept me from getting suckered into all that my terrible mother represents." "You know what I mean?" "Not at all." "I get along very well with my mother." "We talk all the time." "You know what I mean, though." "What are you putting everywhere?" "Rat traps." "What?" "!" "I don't want to know there are rats in here!" "Then don't think of them as rat traps." "Think of them as mice traps or rabbit traps or... or kitten traps that, when the kittens eat the bacon, this bit will just come over and stroke its back, and they will live forever." "Now..." "Why won't you face your mother?" "You're a powerful woman on her way to health." "You don't have a very high opinion of me, do you?" "Well, you're a person." "I don't have a very high opinion of people." "Why would you want our innocent baby to see the face of pure evil?" "I mean, we discussed this." "I don't want any contact with her and wheels." "What?" "You came around to "wheels"!" "Oh, fuck you, Neil." "Read the room." "Hey, hey." "You know what?" "I brought her because she has money, all right?" "And we need money." "T-these whole foods Kumbaya biodegradable diapers are not free." "I don't want any cheap, processed crap on our child." "Oh, oh." "So only the finest silks in all the land will hold her feces?" "If we need money so bad, get a job." "G... my brother offered me that job, and you said no because you didn't want me traveling." "You know what?" "You get a job." "I am a mother." "That's a full-time job." "Plus, I have my etsy store." "You have... okay." "Well, then, let's fill a pool with the $7 from your etsy store and take a fucking treasure bath." "We... you know what?" "Give her a little bit of baby time, and she buys us lots of stuff." "Okay." "I washed them real good." "Now give her to me, and then we can go to Macy's." "Wheels, meet your grandmama!" "Yeah!" "Oh, hi!" "Hey." "I, uh, have the thing that you wanted." "What?" "* da da da * it's Tully the Tulsa oil man." "Oh, wow!" "They were sold out, but the manager found one." "Thanks." "You know, it would have sucked if they ran out, because I almost have the whole set." "Uh-oh." "What happens then?" "It's stupid." "But I go to all these places, and I never see anything outside of the airport." "So I figure if I get all the burgernut candy dispensers," "I have something to show for it." "You find yourself in situations where you need to prove to people you've been to Tulsa, Oklahoma?" "I guess it's more to prove to myself that I can leave Kansas whenever I want." "Oh, so you're from Kansas." "Mm." "Overland park, born and raised." "If you need any suggestions for when we land," "I can recommend doing nothing, seeing nobody, eating nowhere." "Ah." "Real suckfest." "Come on." "I'm sure you find ways to have fun." "Wouldn't you like to find out." "Uh..." "Sorry." "Uh..." "The bathroom's open." "Bathroom's open, so..." "Go use it." "What?" "Just "use it."" "Oh." "She asleep?" "Yes." "Finally." "And the baby is asleep, too." "God!" "Mom would not shut up about how you shunned her or whatever." "I can't see her." "Before, I needed information." "Now I need nothing." "I want what Angelina and jon voight have." "If she wants to say something to me, she can tell it to people magazine." "I know." "I envy those women who don't have mothers." "What are they called?" "Orphans." "Yeah." "Hi, girls." "God." "Stalker." "Tara, can I talk to you for a minute?" " Oh, pity." " You just missed her." "This again?" "Really?" "This?" "Ask yourself a question, Beverly." "I'm not doing this, Tara." "I'm not talking to this Alice person." "Oh, but that's what you should consider." "If your own daughter won't speak to you, how can you possibly be a good mother?" "I tried." "I always tried." "Sometimes... a mother doesn't make excuses." "She just loves." "Care, discipline, affection..." "all acts of love." "If you ever had a different reason, don't call yourself a mother." "I'm your mother." "I'm watching you, Beverly." "I have eyes everywhere." "Then Alice said," ""this baby will always be protected... from you."" "And how did that make you feel?" "Great!" "I never say shit like that to my mom." "Who does?" "Well, not you." "You didn't do anything." "So you can stop celebrating." "Nuh-unh." "You can't have it both ways, doc." "You say that I don't even have alters and that it's all me, but if they do something, I can't say I did it, either?" "You got to make a choice." "My ex-wife used to try to make me apologize for being mean in her dreams, which I would not do." "I will not apologize for things I don't believe I did, and I will not take credit for things I don't believe I did, either." "Look, I get why you think it's important, but I don't want to face my mom." "I don't care about her, like, at all." "Then do it because it is a hard thing." "And the other things you care about... husband, children, painting murals... these are hard things, too, right?" "This one looks dance-recital-free." "Haven't the last six tapes taught us that every video can manage to be about kids' dance recitals?" "* lazy * * got a feeling that I could be something big * my father is an actual retarded person." "* I'd rather do nothing * eh, they're just like everybody's parents... boring." "Tell the baby you love her." "But off-screen, everyone around here is fucking crazy." "Good." "We need the drama." "Anyone seen my ricotta cheese?" "I had a whole tub of it." "Who's your dad's hot friend?" "That's Neil, so good luck with that." "I have been dying to come here since I gave birth!" "I've been dying to come here since I was 9." "Oh, it's like a heaven of boobies!" "Oh, we really appreciate it, mom." "Thank you so much." "Yeah." "Just make it snappy." "This place is disgusting." "They just let those things hang out there." "A positive environment makes mother and child comfortable for nursing." "A baby will eat a bowl of pennies out of a garbage can if he can get his grubby little mitts around it." "This pump is hospital-grade." "Ooh." "Are you kidding me?" "$2,000?" "It's not magic." "It's still milk, not liquid gold, right?" "I had a medical procedure, mother." "It may have been easier for you to connect with your children, but some mothers find that if they... hey, hey, I I..." "I-I saw a movie once where a woman lactated out of her boob-job scars." "Is that something we have to worry about or...?" "He's quite the film critic, isn't he?" "A regular Leonard maltin." "Neil, embarrassment is healthy." "If cost is a concern, rentals are... lady, just put all this crap away." "Okay." "Maybe you could just bring us some more options." "Sure." "Thank you." "Mom, is there something wrong?" "Of course there is." "If you girls ever called, you'd know." "You know why we don't call." "Should I tell all of breast intentions?" "Your father's gotten worse." "I can't take care of him." "How can I?" "Mom, where's dad?" "He's in a place where they can take care of him." "It's got a lot of trees." "It's very nice." "It's very expensive." "Y-you don't have any money." "Shh!" "Neil... why are you taking us to all these stores if you're broke?" "Because I needed to see my grandbaby." "It was worth it." "You used us?" "You used me, I used you." "I just got what I wanted." "And then these heads will spring out of what you thought was your perfect life, like a metamorphosis." "Or like Bruce banner becoming the hulk." "No." "I-I get it." "And this..." "this was our perfect life?" "You know, a little calm before the storm of d.I.D." "Simple and boring." "Boring?" "No, no, no, no." "It wasn't boring." "It was crazy." "I mean, Tara and I, we didn't know each other long before..." "Whew." "A lot going on in there." "But..." "You were, like, young." "You didn't even have to be there." "Lots of people wouldn't." "And then when things started getting crazy... but I loved her." "I love her." "It was always crazy." "Is mom drinking a beer while pregnant?" "I want to hear about this boy." "I have lost something, mom." "Three months ago, I was hot and young." "Weird Israeli dudes would propose to me every time I walked by radioshack." "And now..." "Am I old?" "Have I rotted?" "Oh, sweetheart, you are exactly the same morning ray of sunshine you've always been." "Oh." "Well, then, what is Evan's problem?" "Because I'm putting it all out there." "Not in a "lady of the night" kind of way, but in a "hey, I'm here and available and a blonde" way." "It's not even like he's too good for me, because I'm actually lowering myself down to his level." "He's kind of weird-looking, and he's not in very good shape." "Hmm." "Sounds like a dreamboat." "Oh, but I don't know." "I just..." "I like him." "He makes me laugh." "Mm." "Your father made me laugh when we first met." "Oh." "Well, maybe I should just date dad." "Ugh!" "Ew, ew, ew!" "Stop!" "You can't film this." "Didn't you hear?" "I've slowly uglied." "How did you and dad meet, mom?" "Stats class." "Yeah." "I was so serious, and he was this sixth-year senior with dreadlocks who slept all the way through the class." "He said he only went because he thought I was pretty, but he never asked me out..." "never." "So, either you asked him out or I don't even really exist." "Oh, I had never asked a boy out before." "It was so hard." "But I think that's what you need to do, Katie." "Oh, no." "Mnh-mnh." "I think I would be a wet, nervous mess, this..." ""W-would you go o-out with me?"" "Aah!" "If you're not nervous and it's not hard, then it's not worth it." "Cheers." "Look, my brother says the sooner I start, the sooner I'll be back." "How long is it gonna take?" "Like two months, tops." "I'm gonna call every day." "I don't want to miss anything." "She doesn't do anything." "I'll miss you, too." "Oh, please don't cry." "You know how I feel about sentiment." "You are stone-cold, Ms. craine." "That's my mother's name." "There's an easy way to change your last name." "Just come back to us, okay?" "That's the point, right?" "You're avoiding those moments." "Maybe I'm weak." "You're not weak." "Just get over yourself." "You read my book." "It's not black magic." "That boy stopped thinking he was a kite when I convinced him he wasn't a kite." "It's not the same." "I'm not a kite." "And neither was he." "And you know what also you're not?" "You're not seven people." "You're just you." "That's the curse of life, isn't it?" "That, try as we might, we all have to suffer the burden of only being one person..." "our miserable selves." "You think I like living my life this way?" "My life is not my own." "Can you understand how that feels?" "I, too, have a masculine part, a feminine part, a professional, a child, a debaucher." "They all have something in common." "Oh, they're all assholes?" "Well, there's that, but also, they're all me." "All your people..." "all you." "Listen, I made this contract." "That counts for something." "I-I-I don't have these little feet inside my head kicking at my brain all the damn time." "Things finally feel easy." "I'm allowed to think that's good." "The contract is good, but the only reason it feels easy is because you're not doing the work." "You need to find the hardest thing you can do and do it." "You are in control." "You're the only one who has ever been in control." "Victory!" "Ehhh!" "Tara?" "Mom..." "I-I'm..." "Yeah, I'm here." "It's me." "If you want to say something to me, say it." "'Cause I am here." "I'm so sorry." "Just know that..." "I'm trying to change, honey." "If there's anyone who can understand that..." "It's you." "I'm alone now." "But I'm trying." "Well, I can make a deal." "If you have something to say..." "I will listen." "I will listen as me." "I will stay me." "Okay." "Thanks for flying with us." "Bye-bye." "Oh, bye." "Thanks." "I'll, uh, see you on the way back." "Hey, do you know any good places to eat in Tulsa?" "Good place to eat in Tulsa?" "Uh, yeah, there's a Sushi restaurant that has pretty good fried chicken." "Okay." "Would you be interested in having some pretty good fried chicken and/or bad Sushi with me?" "Uh, I-I can't tonight." "Sorry." "Oh." "Well, another night." "We could find a thai place that does great pizza." "Um..." "That's..." "that's sweet, Kate." "I-I just..." "I can't." "Hey." "How'd it go with hattaras?" "Yeah, he says we're making progress." "Thanks for waiting for me." "Can't resist a date with a college girl." "Well, you better get me home by 12:00, or the sorority gets pissed." "Oh, those bitches." "* doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *" "I know what it is." "It's not a monster movie." "It's not a dysfunctional family." "It's a love story." "* leave it alone, take the long way home * * sneak around and let yourself in back * * all you said was, "honey, give it a chance * * just give it a chance, just give it a chance" *" "* how'd you ever get the devil to dance * * get the devil to dance like that?" "* * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *" "You're in control." "You're the only one who has ever been in control." "You're not Tara anymore, are you?" "You will not win." "Say that again." "You will not win." "You will not win." "Say that again." "You will not win." "* doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *" "* doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *" "* doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *" "* doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo * * doo doo doo * * doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *"