"LAST EXIT TO GRAMACHO" "My mission, besides being Estamira, is toreveaI the truth, nothing but the truth." "Be it capturingthe lie and rubbing it in, or else teachingthem what they don't Know ... the innocent." "There are no more innocent people anymore." "There are wiseguys in reverse." "Wiseguys in reverse there are, but not innocent people." "Here..." "pour some water over here." "You are common." "I'm not common." "It is only the form that is common." "I will explain all of it to you now , to the whole world." "Your brains have been blinded, your bIoodyrecorders, but they couldn't blind my brain, because I'm in a human form... flesh, blood, in the form of an 'even man'." "They couldn't do it to me." "That's their grudge on me, the Punster's grudge on me." "The accursed, unholy , hypocritical, scoundrel, undignified, incompetent, do you Know what he did?" "He Iiedto men, he seduced men, he blinded men and... tossedthem into the abyss." "That's what he did, you understand?" "That's why I'm fi esh..." "You Know why?" "So I can expose him and his whole gang." "I will knock him down, I will." "If I say so, you can rely on it." "Do you want to defy me?" "Ain't got a chance!" "He is so powerful in reverse, that even though my fI esh is this aged, this ugly, this silly, he still wants more..." "Can you believe that?" "What a fool!" "look overthere, the hills, the moors, the mountains..." "Landscape and Estamira..." "Estascape, Estamoors" "Estamira is in every corner, on all sides." "Even my own sentiment sees it, everyone sees Estamira." "fortunately, throughout this period in which I began toreveaI... andtorecIaim the truth, guess what happened..." "fortunately, almost everyone is alert." "You only err willingly." "This here is a deposit ofremains." "At times onIyremains, and at othertimes, there is also carelessness." "Remains and carelessness." "The one whoreveaIed man as the sole conditional taught him to preserve things, andto preserve things is to protect, to wash, to clean and to use as much as possible." "You have your shirt, you are dressed, you are sweaty ." "You will not take of f your shirt and abandon it." "You cannot do that." "The one whoreveaIed man as the sole conditional... did not teach betrayal, did not teach humiliation," "did not teach usurping." "Man was taught to help." "Not impoverishment, butruIes." "To spare is wonderful, because he who spares will always have." "Thus people... have to pay heed to what they use... to what they have," "because to be without is awful." "The Punster arranged it so that the less people have, the more they despise, the more they discard, the less they have." "I, Estamira am the vision of each one." "No one can live without me." "No one can live without Estamira." "And I feel pride and sadness in this." "Because they, the negative offensive astro-bodies, befouI the spaces and desire me." "Desire me and befoul everything." "AII creation is abstract." "AII space is abstract." "Water is abstract." "Fire is abstract." "AII is abstract." "And as such, so is Estamira." "visibly, naturally, if I disincarnate, I have the impression" "that I will be very happy ... and perhaps I may help someone." "For my pleasure has always been this: to help someone, to help a little creature." "I have worked here fortwenty years." "I Iove it here." "The thing I Iove most is working." "There is the eternal, the infinite, there is beyond andthere is 'beyond of the beyond'." "You have never seen 'beyond of the beyond'." "No scientist has ever seen 'beyond of the beyond'." "You Know what?" "Man, after he becomes visible, after he is born, after he disincarnates, if his fi esh touches the earth it dissolves, melts;" "only bonesremain, therays, the hairs." "The form remains the same, only transparent, near us." "My father is near me, my mother , my friends." "See?" "I can see them." "We become transparent and fly away." "just like a bird, we fi y." "I see them often." "They visit my house a Iot." "(Estamira's own dialect)" "OKay, Iet's go." "I was born on april 7th, 1941 ." "The flesh andthe blood... andthe form..." "in the form of 'even man', mother and grandmother ." "Andthen do you Know what happened?" "They took my father in 1943." "Then my father neverreturned." "My father called me by so many names..." "He called me by some funny names..." ""little Shit,"" ""Baby,"" ""Daddy's little girl..."" "Don't worry, leave it to me." "Then you Know what they said?" "They said my fatherwas dead." "Then my motherwas left to carry me up and down, all overthe place." "What a pity." "Poor mother, more disturbedthan I." "I am disturbed but lucid and I can distinguish between them." "And my poor mother could not." "No wonder, after all I am Estamira, you see..." "If I can't handle distinguishing the disturbance," "I would not be Estamira." "I was not, I would not be." "Andthen..." "Intervention by thereaI radar ..." "Verify..." "Oh, the 'remote control'." "There is the superior natural 'remote control', andthere is the artifi cial 'remote control'." "The 'remote control' is a force simiIarto light, electrical power, electricity." "Now, with men, in the fi esh and in the blood there are nerves." "The nerves of the sanguine fi esh are like electrical wires." "The gods, who are technical scientists, control." "They can see where they succeeded, the scientists, determined Punsters, they succeed." "The 'remote control'... does not burn, it twists." "The scientists have switches to control." "like in that iron..." "The one with the dial, forwooI, for ..." "So simple, isn't it?" "CHRISTMAS 2000" "I felt better afterthat day , but then it hit me again." "Here, see?" "It twists like this..." "It's the 'remote control', no doubt, the force." "You see, the artifi cial..." "natural camera doesn't harm me, it's the artificial one that harms the fi esh." "It affects myribs, all over..." "See that?" "It affected my head." "The 'remote control' is all one." "There is the artifi cial and the natural 'remote control'." "Andthere is therecorder of thoughts, have you seen it?" "I have told you already ." "It's the same thing as the 'eIectrospherogram'." "Hearthat?" "Mr. Thunder." "Here comes the lightning." "back home, they come out from underthe bed, they go like... andthe lightning goes like this..." "This is wonderful." "The storm." "Christmas." "To me, everything that is born is Christmas." "Andthere's this confusion mixedwith jesus' suf fering..." "I have nothing against the man who was born." "Forthem, what was goodwas the God." "Then I reveaIedwho God is, because fortunately I can, without overpowering, withoutrepugnance, with much pride, with honour , Estamira, me." "I can reveal, havereveaIed, because I can, because I Know , conscious, lucid and aware, who God is, what God is, what God means, and other Ones..." "You Know what, I hate no men." "I pity them." "You Know whom I hate?" "The Punster, the wiseguy in reverse, the liar , the traitor;" "he is the one that brings out the anger, the hate, therepuIsion." "jesus fled and hid even before he was born." "The jesus I Know as jesus, son of Mary, son of israel, son of the streets..." "I once pitied jesus." "Now I don't pity him any more." "I once pitied slaves, but now I don't pity them any more." "They call me jesus..." "They say I have cold blood, infected blood;" "they call me Mary , jesus' mother..." "What Kind of God is that?" "What jesus is this?" "What is this?" "If they think I am a sorceress, I am a sorceress, but I am not a charlatan, and I am not perverse." "I am evil, but not perverse." "I am evil, I am and always will be evil." "No perversity, justrecIaiming." "justrecIaiming." "But I count to three, I count to ten," "I have the superior control." "The 'beyond of the beyond' is an overfI ow." "Do you Know what an overfI ow is?" "well, everythingthat fi IIs up... overfIows, so then... the superior power , the superior nature... deIineates everything to that place, to thereserves on the margins." "No man can go to the margins, no man can go there." "Andthose terrible astro-bodies, irredeemabIe, they all go there... and never come out." "To this place I am talking about, 'beyond of the beyond'." "To the margins, far, far away." "No sanguine being can go there." "You will not understand all I Know at once, that is why I am still visible here, in the form of 'even man'." "'Even man'." "I am not in the form of the 'odd' man." "You are in the form of 'odd man'." "Even man form is the mother ." "Mothers are in the 'even' form, andfathers, in the 'odd'." "I overfIowedwith rage." "I overfIowedfrom being invisible due to so much hypocrisy , so many lies, so much perversity , with so many Punsters," "I, Estamira." "The wrong doctrine... ridiculed man, reaIIyridicuIedthem." "I will make them pay ." "They exposed man toridicuIe." "It made man inferiorthan a quadrupuIous." "It would had been better... if men had been left as they were before they were revealed as the sole conditional." "Move it!" "Move it!" "In line!" "Move it!" "Move it, NicoIau!" "In Line!" "That's PingueIeto." "That's TeobaIdo." "I'm well Known here at theramp, by everybody here." "You can ask aroundwho PingueIeto is that everybody Knows." "MyreaI name is TeobaIdo dos Santos." "I've never been arrested." "I owe nothingto no one." "I have no brothers." "The only brother I have is God." "This is my house." "I Keep my pigeon here." "He's in here." "There's no shortage of food here." "Whoever says there's shortage of food here at theramp is Iying, is Iying, because he's lazy ." "Andthey eat, eat betterthan I do." "They eat betterthan I do, and if I tell you, you won't believe me." "They eat even betterthan you do." "If I go down there I can get cool water ." "There are coolers I use to serve them coIdwater ." "NicoIau, TicoIico, BoIinha..." "Catraca, Neguinho..." "Where do I Iive?" "usually I'm here at theramp." "There's a Iot of places where I couId live." "I don't because I don't want to, because I'm fi ne here with my dogs." "I get no hassle here." "I Know everybody around here and everybody Knows me." "We're all close." "Move it!" "In line!" "Over here!" "Move it!" "Move it!" "In line!" "In two days this area will be full, just like overthere." "I don't like calling it trash." "But let's call it that." "There's broth, fruits, meats, thin plastic, thick plastic, andthings start to turn sour , there are oranges, all that stuf f, and it turns into this." "Then they compress it, it turns sour, everythingrotting, puts pressure on it." "Then the sun heats everything up, andthere's the fi re... from the underground..." "Then gas forms, carbon dioxide, you understand?" "You can even use carbon dioxide... to cook, to do several things." "But it's powerful, it's hellish." "Some people can't get usedto it, can't stand it." "It's toxic." "fortunately, thanks to this dump, I have my little house, my shack." "My shack is sacredto me, blessed, and I despise whoever says that the dump is no-good." "When I leave here, I have a place to go andrest." "That is my happiness." "You see, she's just like herfather ." "His spitting image." "My fatherwasrude and temperamental, but a good man." "He was a good man, and he liked her but they argued a Iot." "Though he seemedto like her very much, he had otherwomen." "But it was a life." "areal life." "To endure this life we have to work hard to support her because I do not believe she has forgotten everything." "I thinK she lives in herworId to forget what we Iivedthrough." "He made many mistakes, but since he is not here to stand up for himself, we shouldn't say much." "As long as you're here, he's here." "still, blood is blood, a father is a father , and" "I liked him when he died." "I really liked him." "When I went to Goias, you Know what happened?" "Two cops beat me up." "They wantedto force me to believe in jesus and in God..." "She's against jesus and God." "And you?" "I am not against them, pay attention..." "We each have a point of view ." "Point of view my ass, stop being an idiot!" "You still talking like that?" "Readthis shit." "We each have a point of view ." "Stop being a fool, an idiot." "jesus..." "I am not against him, it is quite the opposite," "I feel pity!" "I pity him!" "I have Known him since before he was born." "It's a disgrace how stupid, how stubborn you are." "Didn't I tell you, back at the hospital?" "Everything..." "I'm just sayingthat I have my point of view , you have yours." "Which one?" "It's the wrong point of view!" "You like pink, I like yellow ..." "What pink?" "What yellow?" "Do I have to like pink like you do?" "colors aren't the issue here." "You like one thing and I like another ..." "Who said I don't like Him?" "He's not what you thinK He is!" "He's not what you thinK He is!" "You don't Know what I thinK." "This book is jehova's Witness." "He'sread a little and he's..." "I read a Iot of books, about all thereIigions, so I can reach a conclusion." "I study them, you see?" "He learns somethingfrom each religion." "I learn accordingto the faith God has given me..." "He fell for it!" "He fell for it!" "He's been brainwashed..." "The bible says..." "bible!" "Paper is helpless, it will not object to being used as toilet paper , please!" "The worst thing is when people make jokes with God." "andto deceive..." "Andto mock." "Stop orthis argument will go on forever ." "She's not crazy but she's not 100%%%, you see." "Where is she?" "Did she go outside?" "She's in the Kitchen." "Godforbid, but she'II die happier out in the streets... than in a mental institution." "She prefers to live two years in freedom... than five years well, locked up somewhere," "you Know that." "You didn't understand me." "I'm not saying she would stay there herwhoIe life, the little, or as long as she lives." "She would stay as long as..." "Because what I thinK her problem is..." "is her nervous system." "In an institution she'd have to be sedated andtied up." "He's got more stomach than I do." "If she needs to be sedated... andtied up, it's up to him." "I thinkthat's goingtoo far ." "I don't have the courage to let them do that." "I'II taIKto you in a little while." "I've been hit by the 'remote control'..." "You see, it gets inside me." "She Iivedwith my father in a nice house." "My fatherwas a construction foreman." "He made pretty good money , owned a kombi, a car ." "She had golden jewelry and I had some too, that he gave us." "Things were still goodthen." "They got aIongweII, but my father made her miserable." "He cheated on her ." "He brought women to the house sayingthey were just friends." "She didn't tolerate it andthey started arguing, cursing..." "He pulled a Knife at her , she pulled one at him, fighting all the time..." "then he kicked us out of the house." "Then the hardtimes began." "The lying hypocrite is to blame, the wiseguy in reverse," "who casts the stone yet hides his hands." "The day before yesterdayI had a fight with my own astral father ." "Didn't you hear it?" "Didn't you hearthe storm?" "I was having a fight with my astral father" "If I wasn't married, and if this gentleman wasn't married," "I would marry this gentleman." "And if I wasn't married, I would mary her" "I've been married several times." "I don't want any involvement with women anymore." "I'drather be alone andtaut..." "jerking off?" "Yeah." "It's better just to jerk of f." "CoIumbina, where are you going?" "I'm goingto dance..." "I warned you, dirty dog." "You respect me, filthy beast!" "That's it." "It killed everybody ." "She's my girlfriend." "I'm goingto marry that 'pingueIa'." "You bet I will, marry Estamira." "Whenever she wants." "I'm gonna make her up." "I am almost as old as she is, it wouId be a good marriage." "Isn't it good enough?" "It's straightforward." "I Iove you, but you are unworthy, incompetent, and I'II neverwant to see you again." "I'm sorry..." "I Ioved you..." "I desired you... but you are unworthy ... incompetent... foolish... worse than a fi Ithy pig." "Be warned, make good use of my advice, leave me alone." "I preferto be despised." "Move." "You will never , ever touch me again!" "(Estamira's own dialect)" "When my motherwent to work at jardim Gramacho, when she startedworKingthere she'd stay there fortwo weeks, sometimes one week, sleeping outdoors, who Knows, sometimes in tents, sometimes just outdoors, up there, on theramp." "Then she'd come home, bathe." "She'd be clean and perfect." "only to go back again." "And so it was, for five years." "One day my brother and I said to her, "Mom, leave that life at the dump." "It's a hard life, you have to sleep outdoors..."" "We arguedthat she could get cut by something and contract a disease." "She agreed, and left." "Then she got a job at a supermarket and on Fridays or Saturdays she'd meet her colleagues and go out for a beer ortwo." "When everybody left she'dwaIK home alone." "One day she wasraped downtown in Campo Grande and she wasraped a secondtime here on the street I Iive." "At that time there were no lights on this street." "She saidthe guy had anal sex with her, as she screamed," ""Stop that, for God's sake!"" ""What God?" "Forget God!", saidtherapist." "He had sex with her in all sorts of ways, then told herto get lost." ""Get lost, auntie." "Get lost..."" "Very disgusted, she cried as she toIdthe episode." "In those days, she had no hallucinations, no disturbance whatsoever" "She was veryreIigious and beIievedthat GodwouId... that she was goingthrough some sort of probation." "And so the hallucinations began." "She would come home and say" ""Dona Maria," my mother-in-Iaw ," ""did you Know that when I got to worKtoday somebody had made a macumba, a voodoo, against me." "Do you thinK I believe in that Kind of nonsense?" "Instead of working to purchase things."" "So she gotrid of the macumba saying," ""I don't believe in this nonsense, because GodwiII protect me." "God is everythingto me, my guide and savior ."" "Amonth later she started saying, " I have the impression... that the FBI is following me."" "" I have the impression that when I get on a bus I am being filmed by a hidden camera."" "One day she sat in my mother-in-Iaw's garden, she glanced at the coconut tree, staring at it for a longtime, andthen turnedto my mother-in-Iaw and said, "This is the power ." "This is what is real."" "On that day, I thinK she really gave up on God," ""now it's just me andthe real power, andthat's it"." "bloody Punster, wretched... usurper of power ... predictable, exposed!" "Treat me like I treat you, and I will treat you;" "treat me like with yourtreat and I will entreat you!" "And I insist on returning it threefold." "This is intolerable!" "Aperson can't even walk in the street they live, or even work at home, anyplace at all." "Can you believe it?" "What Kind of God is that?" "What jesus is this, who only speaks of war and who Knows what else?" "!" "Isn't he himself the Punster?" "only for idiots, forwiseguys in reverse..." "Has anyone who everfeIt afraid of sayingthe truth avoid dying?" "Have they?" "Has anyone who spent day and night, night and day with God in their mouths, mocking him, didthey avoid dying?" "They who did as they were told by the ones from his gang, have they avoided dying?" "Have they avoided starving?" "Have they avoided impoverishment?" "No, no way, no one will change my being." "I am Estamira here, there, and overthere, in hell, in hells, in heaven, fucking everywhere." "These misfortunes, these parasites from the forsaken, fi Ithy earth, this accursed, unholy earth, denied man as the sole conditional" "The more evil I become, the worse I am." "Perverse, I am not." "But evil I am." "Before I was born, I Knew all of this, before I had fi esh and blood." "Of course, for I am the margin of the world." "I am Estamira." "I am the margin." "I am here, I am there, I am everywhere." "And everyone depends on me, on Estamira." "AII of them!" "It will be farworse when I disincarnate." "Mister LeopoIdo Fontanive, the italian, my stepfather, he never gave any money to help my mother" "So I spent a whole week calling those hospitals that treat people's minds, to see if she could be hospitalized." "That was our agreement." "So I went to the hospital in Caxias." "First I went with my stepfather , in his car ." "Then we got an ambulance andwent to the dump." "When we got there even the paramedics were afraid to lay a hand on her because she was biting at anything andwas screamingthe names of voodoo, macumba entities." "She was frothing like a wild beast." "So they took arope and tied her hands back" "Then we went to the Caxias hospital and upon arrival we were told that they couldn't treat herthere, that she hadto go to the Engenho de Dentro hospital." "Off we went to Engenho de Dentro." "people never leave that place, without the authorisation of a legal guardian, then I began to fi II in the forms." "They didn't want her hospitalized there anyway, even with the paramedics arguingfor it." "So we hadto take her back to the Caxias hospital, where we were toIdto wait until she woke up." "When she startedwaKing up I said, "Mom, Iet's go,"" "and she was already biting me." "So I thought, "What can I do?" I Ieft herthere." "That bastard italian family , togetherwith that son of mine, they caught me, as though I was a beast, an imprisoned monster" "Andthat son of mine became... contaminated by the fi Ithy earth, by the insignifi cant." "He was acting like a clown in the hospital." "HowridicuIous!" "I don't live for money ." "I make money." "I make it." "You make it." "I don't live for it or because of it." "I make it." "Haven't you noticed?" "Now you get it?" "The 'remote controI' attacked me again." "It has been bothering me all night long, the negative, of fending astro-bodies." "They are tryingto af fect somethingthey call the heart... mine, or maybe my head." "They're fucked!" "He is so powerfull in reverse;" "the hypocrite, the scoundrel, the Iyingtraitor , exposed who imposes himself on my fI esh, my fleshy shirt of blood," "Estamira." "They are fucked." "They are so fucked, to hell with them!" "They dumped something very important here, food." "Cannedfood, preserves..." "Tomorrow, thanks to that," "I'm goingto prepare a fantastic spaghetti." "I already have the pasta." "Let me see what this is." "I can't tell you what this is caIIedright now but it's a preserve." "It's imported, and it's good." "This here I eat straight, heart of palm." "Avery good Ioadwas dumped, see?" "I put it in the spaghetti sauce as well." "Sometimes it turns out betterthan at arestaurant." "If you Know how to prepare it, that is." "There is the lucid, the one I wrote about." "The lucid is this here." "There is the conscious." "The conscious is the Knowing, of which jesus cannotread orwrite about, but he learned of everything, from just watchingthe Iucid." "Your Iucidity impairs your sight..." "Lucidity and Non-Iucidity ." "OKay." "And sentiment as well." "Conscious, lucid and aware, andthere is the sentiment." "What Keeps taking, reaping, recording, is the sentiment." "Now for example, sentimentaIIy, visibly, invisibly of transparent form," "I am in a place far away in a space far away" "Estamira is distant." "Estamira is in every place." "Estamira could be a sister , or daughter, orwife of space, but she is not." "hold on, I am on my way down." "look, there I am." "I am here and I am there." "You do not learn at school, you copy." "You learn with occurrences." "My two-year old grandson already Knows this." "He is two, and has not yet gone to school to copy hypocrisies... and charlatan lies." "Are you listening?" "BTGEPTO4050." "speak up, Magete, say something." "19-3, 19-3 do you read me?" "(Estamira's own dialect)" "(Estamira's own dialect)" "Bye." "The doctor asked me... if I was still hearingthe voices I heard before." "I hearthe astro-bodies, I foresee the premonition... of all things." "At times I begin to think whether I really am lucid." "FIeshIess Estamira, invisible Estamira sees, sees andfeeIs everything." "Therefore I am Estamira." "Sometimes I begin thinking, but I am not arobot of blood," "I am not arobot." "I told Dr. alice that sometimes it seems that my head... gives me electrical shocks, it does not hurt, it shocks." "Hits hard, like waves in the ocean." "just like the waves in the ocean." "The doctor prescribed some medicine forrage." "I was very disappointed, very sad, profoundly angered... that she would say something like that." "Andthen, do you Know what she said?" "That God help her that this is magic, telepathy" "She offended me more than enough." "Here, look." "She'II only follow up in 40 days!" "Pay attention to this." "I Know doctors doctors doctors... who are honest..." "She is a copycat." "I am herfriend, I like her I wish herweII." "But she is a copycat." "Do you Know what they are doing?" "They are prescribing the same drugto everyone." "You can't do that." "Does she want to Know more than Estamira?" "The medicine is as follows." "If it works, stop it, give it arest." "If it doesn't, go and complain, as I didthree times." "On the fourth attempt, I managedto be seen." "But I don't wish them ill." "They are copying." "That Diazepan drug." "If I take Diazepan, if I am visibly insane, naturally I become more insane." "This Diazepan drug." "No." "They only copy it." "Any old conversation, andtaKe it." "What's the matter?" "This I can't allow" "How will I be every day every month, at every stage," "I go there and pick up the same medication?" "It's not allowed, it's forbidden." "Do you understand now?" "I am not Kidding, I am serious." "Let me see what this medicine is like." "I was goingtoreturn it to her because I didn't need it, andthose addicts of theirs might want it." "Because in the military college, when I was operated on here, can you see?" "Here, understand?" "I went to the military college... andreturnedthe medication." "I spoke to the doctor andreturned it." "Because I did not need that medication." "The customer is aIwaysright!" "keeps addicting, drugging, messingwith the fi Ithy earth, accursed and unholy , shameless!" "predictable, exposed, shameless." "Everything I was prescribed I guzzled down." "The quantities." "The limits." "There's a limit to everything!" "These medications come from the dopping gang... who sets up the addicts, to blind man to accept God, this fraudulent God, understand?" "These medications are to drug you into wanting a fraudulent God, understand?" "She asked Godtorid her she is the Punster!" "About twelve years ago I was a truck driver... and I worked as a volunteer at a hospital," "I met a person, a very nice lady and one day she came to my house with this little girl, holding her by the hand, and she said," ""angela, I have a gift for you."" "And I said, "Don't tell me, sweetheart, it's that little creature."" "And she said:" ""Yeah, it's this shy little girl I bringfor you to take care of."" "And I said, "Where did she come from?"" "She told me the story of the little girl, that she lived in the streets with her mother that her motherrummaged through trash, andthat her older brother didn't want that Kind of Iife for her that he was worried about that." ""I will arrange a meeting so that you may meet her brothers, since there is a problem, her sisterwants to put her in a boarding school, and her brotherthinKs she ought to have a fosterfamiIy ."" "But the brotherwas the eldest and decidedthe matter handing me the little girl." "until then I had only heard about Estamira, that she lived on the streets, that she was a beggar that she worked at a dump, that she lived in such a way" "Then a year later I startedtaKing the little girl to see her mother" "Thereunion was very dramatic." "The little girl was trembling, she was so nervous." "I hadto lie to Estamira so she wouIdrespect me, so she wouldn't take the girl back, since we fearedthat's what she wanted." "So I told her motherthat I was a social worker from the public boarding school andthat the judge gave me the legal guardianship so I couId Keep her of f the streets." "I made up this story with Hernani's consent, of course, so her motherwouId comply and not try to take the girl back." "ShereaIIy wanted a family, a home, so shereaIIy cIungto us, shereaIIy did." "Maria Rita, come in here." "Good afternoon." "Good afternoon, daddy's face." "Pretty one!" "But why did you take so long?" "The car broke down." "Are you alright, mom?" "Yes, I am." "For me, who Iivedthere, jardim Gramacho is a place... where people work, but I have a macabre image... of that place where I lived, because I Iivedthrough a Iot." "Most of it was bad." "I was one whorummaged through the trash." "I thinK I was six years old at the time, because I went to live with my foster motherwhen I was... about to turn eight." "And it was terrible, havingto beg, to beg a Iot." "I hadto work a Iot just to earn enough for a sandwich." "It's very sad, because they took me away from my mother my brothertooK me away and I grew up... wondering how I couId help her despite how hard it is to do that." "honestly, if I hadthe choice, I would not have left her ." "I really wouldn't have." "still, if Gramacho continues to be, you can bet she'II die there." "You can be sure of it." "Let's cooKthe spaghetti." "Let's cooKthe spaghetti." "I am goingto be franKwith you." "I would like to cook just like my mother ." "I'd like to cook like my mother because she cooKsreaIIy well." "It's not that great." "Get out of my way!" "My mother, I thinK she's afraid of Iife, because she told me once... that she thinks God doesn't exist." "She gets nervous when people talk about God." "She hasreached a point in her life where she has lost faith." "What lacks for my mother is faith." "What shereaIizes as the real Supreme Power , in which case that would be God, who is supreme." "God my ass!" "You don't even Know what God is." "The book of Genesis says, at the end it says," ""make men our image and accordingto our likeness..."" "In the apocalypse, that is the final book of the NewTestament..." "I wouldn't trade this spaghetti forthe world." ""Cheatedthe heart more than anything else and perverse... is he who meets Him, jeremiah, 1 7/9." "How sad..." "We were all dispersed like sheep, each one taking his own path, but the Lord lay upon him... the immobility of us all..."" "deliverance!" "deliverance!" "My ear is not a toilet, sucker!" "SucKersreaIIy get on my nerve." ""There are paths that seem righteous to men, but Ieadingto death." "Proverbs 1 4/12..." "Up yours, you tramp!" "Stupid idiot!" "hell!" "Get the fuck out of here, stupid idiot!" "What a disgrace!" "Up yours!" "Stupid idiot!" "My ear is no toilet!" "In my house!" "In my own house, damn it!" "I didn't shit this house." "It didn't come out of my ass." "I worked hardfor it, night and day , underthe sun and in the mud!" "Go to hell!" "Get the fuck out of here!" "Up yours!" "Get lost, what a disgrace!" "Go to hell!" "Get the fuck out of here!" "Go to heaven, fuck off!" "Shove it up of your disgrace!" "Andthat's theresuIt of..." "Up yours, you fi Ithy Iow-Iife." "well, shalom..." "Adonai." "Up yours!" "Up yours!" "What a disgrace!" "AII these pastors are swindlers, bums, vagabonds." "AII of them." "They are worse than priests." "absolute, conscious, lucid, and aware." "absolute!" "I'm crazy, I'm loony, I'm mad, I'm insane, all four of them." "Yet, I am conscious, lucid and sentimentally aware." "I only began toreveaI in 1986." "ReveaIingwhat was in reality a Iot of abuse." "This is why I am reveaIingthat the Comet is within my head." "Do you Know what the word Comet means?" "Commander." "natural commander ." "Commander." "So, as I... (Estamira's own dialect)" "The constellation..." "all the environment... became angry at the comet, is angry at the comet, at certain perverse astro-bodies, negative astro-bodies," "is angry at the comet." "Because the comet thought it did not have... to seek out a carcass like mine." "They should IooKfor a carcass like..." "Mary of israel, mother of jesus, who conceived jesus, jesus, son of David CarvaIhense." "(Estamira's own dialect)" "stayincontrol..." "stayincontrol..." "The comet is big, that's why I feel sick, the carcass, the fi esh." "Because it's very big." "It's not the size you see it." "Up there in space you see itsrefIection." "The Comet is down here." "It's not up there, it's down here." "What you see up there is itsrefI ection." "The moon is up on that hill..." "It's not up there, that's its reflection, its contour ." "Stay in control..." "Stay in control..." "This here is a slave disguise." "slaves disguised as free men." "Princess IsabeI, she set them free." "And didn't give the slaves jobs." "They go hungry , eat anything, just like animals." "They have no education." "So, it's very sad." "CHRISTMAS 2001" "The deal was "Feed your body with your own sweat, not with sacrifi ce."" "To sacrifice is one thing, to work is something else." "absolute!" "absolute!" "I, Estamira, tell the whole world: work, not sacrifi ce." "Listen, I don't abuse of her ." "Estamira, do I abuse of you?" "No, you don't." "I never abused of her ." "There was only one day when you were strange." "Who?" "I was strange towards you?" "Then I must have been drunk." "I will tell you one thing now ." "Go ahead." "So..." "Whenever she gets sick here..." "hold on." "Easy ." "That's enough." "Be quiet for a while." "Let me say something serious." "Go ahead." "Something serious I want to say ." "okay." "It's not for my sake..." "I'm not saying anything." "I'm talking here, please." "I'm getting out of here." "please, begone with you!" "I'm going." "I am not instructing, I don't want to instruct anyone," "I am merely warning..." "I'm too drunk." "Because I have the impression..." "Did you get it?" "I'm too drunk." "When I'm sober it's dif ferent, you see?" "I esteem everybody , respect everybody, you see?" "Everyday he lies down overthere, andwhen I don't let him lie down overthere, afraidthat he might... burn himself, he gets angry ." "I feel sorry for him." "joao is a good person." "I pity him very much." "He is a good man." "Hereads andwrites very well andthese things happen anyway ." "It is the Punsterwho does that to people." "Man may not be uncivilised." "Men have to be equal, have to be communist." "Communism." "Communism is equality ." "people don't all have to do the same Kind of work, to eat the same Kind of food," "but equality is the ordinance by WhoreveaIed... man as the sole conditional," "and man is the sole conditional, whatever his colour is." "And I am Estamira, and I don't matter ." "I couId be whichever colour ." "I, form of the 'even man', but I am Estamira, and..." "I will not admit that, I don't like anyone... offending colours or beauty ." "What matters... pretty is what people have done or do." "ugly is what people have done or do." "That's ugly." "Being unciviIized is ugly ." "Superior communism, the only communism." "I want peace in my Iife." "Peace." "Suffering, nevermore." "Merry Christmas!" "Merry Christmas, that's all." "I, Estamira, visible and invisible," "I have several surnames, andthese surnames come from various places." "unfortunately, my mother's father is from the Ribeiro family , all were policeman, generals, andthose sorts." "He is arapist." "Heraped... my mother and abused me too." "My depression is immense." "My depression has no cure." "When I was nine years old..." "I asked him to buy me a pair of sandals, so I couIdwearthem to a party ." "He said he'd only buy them if I slept with him." "I don't like my mother's father because when I was twelve... he took me to Goias V eIho," "to a brothel." "It was a brothel, and I prostituted myself there." "It beIongedto his daughter ." "Hernani's father met me there, where my grandfather left me, at the brothel." "By then, I was seventeen." "HereaIIy liked me, and so he took me in, set up a house and made me live there." "But Hernani's father had many women and I couldn't bear it." "I Ieft all my belongings in the house andtooKthe boy , tooKthe boy and moved to BrasiIia." "I was living at an aunt's house... in brasilia when I met the italian," "carolina's father, who took me to his house." "Things worked out andwe decided to live together ." "But he also had many women." "I Iivedwith him fortweIve years, and carolina was born, and another child, born through a caesarian." "The one who was born by caesarian was born invisible." "This invisible one is the one who helps me most." "CHRISTMAS 2002" "What Kind of God is that?" "A Godthatrapes, a Godthat betrays?" "APunsterwho doesn'trespect the mothers andthe fathers?" "Where's your aunt Maria Rita?" "Where is uncle Hernani, who lives right there at your mother's house?" "It's useless." "It's useless to try to forget me, because I will still be a part of your life for a longtime." "If you intendto Know who I am..." "I can tell you..." "Now..." "On the curves..." "On theroadto Santos..." "You will meet me..." "Grandma, why are you so angry at God?" "What has He done to you?" "What do you Know of God?" "What do you Know about God, you who are still a brat?" "I thought you were brighter!" "You are only ten years old." "You'II see when you get older ." "I hope you get to grow up." "I hope you get to grow up." "If it weren't for Him, you wouldn't be here now ." "What?" "Without Him, you couldn't be here now ." "Watch it!" "You betterrespect me." "I don't want to lose my patience, because you're... my grandson." "Is God stuck up your ass?" "Is God up your ass, for you to talkto me like that?" "I'm sixty two, and you thinK you Know more about Godthan I do?" "I come to your house because I pity your mother ." "I pity your mother because it was I who gave birth to her ." "It wasn't Godwho gave birth to your mother , it was I!" "Here!" "Right here!" "She was born from here!" "Your motherwas born from here!" "That's why I come to your house, otherwise I wouldn't." "That's why I'm here." "I gave her birth, it wasn't God." "It was I who gave your mother birth!" "take that God of yours andfucK off!" "Go to hell, go to heaven, fuck off!" "Today I'm so sad." "I'd like to talkto the devil..." "Were you arguing with your grandmother?" ""You are completely nuts, you are completely nuts..."" ""It wasn't Godwho made your mother." "It was I..."" "Then she pulled down her pants..." "I told you that when your grandmother starts... to talk like that you shut up, be quiet." "I'm perfect." "I'm perfect." "My children are common." "I mperfect." "I'm betterthan jesus and I'm proud of it." "If you want to do things worse than you didto jesus, go ahead." "Death is wonderful." "Death owns it all." "Death owns it all." "God... men are the Creators of God!" "Mom, how can I make a quick coffee?" "Rum me down, rum me down..." "I'm seeing Menina-rã!" "I'm seeing Menina-rã!" "That's funny, I'm not sure if 'as incredible as it may seem'... is theright term, what I miss most in my Iife is my mother ." "What I remember most, in every moment, is my mother ." "One day my mother asked me," ""Baby, have you seen them?"" "And I asked her , "Them, who?"" "She said, "Them are many of them."" "She wasreferringto the astro-bodies that tormented her ." "The offending, negative astro-bodies that tormented her ." "I am of the positive Kind, not of the negative Kind." "I am of the useful, positive astro-bodies." "My father mistreated hertoo much." "he saidto my mother ," ""either you commit your mother in a mental institution, orwe will not live together ."" "First he caIIedthe ambulance to take my mother away ." "He caIIedfor a doctorwith a strait jacket, andthe doctor said, "there is no needfor a strait jacket, she won't need it"." "And he Kept pestering me, pestering me until I took my mother... to the Engenho de Dentro institution." "We went by train." "Poor mother!" "So innocent." "So I Ieft herthere, at the mental institution." "On Thursday, I paid a visit." "her arm was bruised all over ." "I asked her , "What happened to you, ma?"" "And she said, "It was the scoundrel!"" "He gave her electric shocks, he beat on her ." "Her arm was all bruised." "My grandma used to call her Estanira," ""Estanira, have mercy, take me out of here, Estanira"." "I pitied her but I hadto leave herthere." "I said, "I'II come back later , mom, to see you, to take you with me."" "As soon as she left my father , the first thing she did... was leave me at somebody's house at some slum, andthe next day... she went to get her mother ." "And my grandmotherremained with us until she died." "To avoid carryingthis burden she carries until today ," "I have nevertriedto do the same to my mother ." "Even today, she carries this guilt with her ." "Even today, she still weeps overthis." "Estamira." "How hard life is, isn't it?" "Life is very hard." "Life has no pity on us." "It is mean." "No matter how much we strive, that we cherish, that we wish things forthe best, the more we suf fer." "There's somethingringing in my ears." "It sounds like tiimmmmmmmm." "I thinK it's the medicine, you see?" "Because I take a Iot of medicine, a Iot, andthey dope me." "I guess that's why my tongue is like this." "Out of control." "I'm out of control." "Do you Know what a person out of control is like?" "Aperson nervous like this, wantingto talk but incapable of it, afflicted." "I don't Know what to do about it." "I have considered not taking the medicine for a year ." "Because sometimes my head seems like... a glass full of AIKa-SeItzer, effervescent." ""I hereby certify that Estamira Gomes de Souza, afflicted by a chronically evolving state of psychosis, auditory hallucinations, ideas of infi uence, mystic discourse, shall remain... under ongoing psychiatric treatment."" "well, whoever has a mental disability is useless." "Andthose with mental problems..." "well, disturbance is also part of it." "I've been thinking, disturbance is also a mental problem, but it is not a disability ." "Disturbance is disturbance, anyone can be disturbed." "My sister, Maria Rita, is a big concern of my mother's, because she is twenty-one, and she hasn't found herway yet." "I don't condemn either one of the three." "Sometimes I feel resentful towards them." "If my motherraised both of them with enough food," "I thinK she should have raised me too." "shewasabletoraiseme, buttheycouldntseeit. ldld." "I thinK I couId have survived with my mother ." "angela asked me, "Do you want to see your mother?" I said, "I do."" "I looked at her , she was Iying down, and she looked back at me." "I remembered my mother , I remembered I had a mother , but after all that time, when I fi nally saw her ..." "I remember it as if it were today , she was sitting on the fi oor of the porch when I got there." "They said, "look, it's your mother"." "Then my brother said, "Go and see your mother"." "When I saw her , I was felt very afraid of her , and I feared... they wouIdtaKe me away from angela and make me go backto her ." "I was frightened, and I thought, "Gosh, my mother is like this!"" "It's still confusing, I don't Know if it was good." "I don't Know if it was good Iivingwith angela," "I don't Know if it was good to leave my mother ." "But my mother, my mother Estamira, she deserves better , she will make it." "After she went to the dump, to Gramacho," "I thinK she improved a Iot, with regards to her disturbances." "Sometimes she says things that even seem to be the truth." "You feel shaken." "My brother doesn't agree." "My brotherthinKs she is... completely possessed by some evil force." "Today my mother is in the state you see her in." "After all she's been through in life..." "I'm not judging her , I'm not angry at her ," "I'm just avoiding going to her house andtaIKingto her... because every time I taIKto her she bIasphemes against God." "She confuses everything, God andreIigion..." "clinically speaking she is utterly insane." "There's even an offi cial report from a doctor ..." "But, spiritually speaking, believe it or not, there is demoniac infI uence." "She invents all these names and acts very strange, and I was gettingtired of that, it was upsetting me too much, so I told God, in my faith, in my prayers, I said," ""I only want to see my mother again at her house or mine... the day You give me assurance that she is forgiven, freed and cured by You, Lord, because You can do anything."" "Men are worse than the quadrupoIous." "It's the disappointment of all spaces." "It's the disappointment of the one whoreveaIed... man as the sole conditional." "It saddens me, it shames me, it disgusts me, what can I do?" "I've already hadthe wish to disincarnate... but if I disincarnate I will not fulfill my mission." "My mission is toreveaI, whoever it may be, no matterwhat." "My headworKs hard." "But the Punster even drew... relatives away from me." "They can't see it either ." "They are doingthe same thing Pontius PiIate... didto jesus." "I've been beaten with a sticKto make me accept God." "But this Kind of God, their God, this filthy God, thisrapist God, this aII-usurping God," "this home wrecking God, this Kind of God, I do not accept." "Not even if they chop me up." "Not even if they chop me up with a Knife, orwith a machete, whatever , I won't accept it." "No way ." "I am the truth." "I am the truth." "Man is superior on earth, the superior animal." "Man is also an animal, but is the superior one." "The Punster didthis." "Now I'm goingtoreveaI." "Whoeverwants to kill me, may kill me now ." "Didthey not kill jesus?" "Isn't jesus great now that he is dead?" "But not me, with me it is dif ferent." "The solution is fi re." "Fire is the only solution." "Incinerate all the beings, andrepIenish the space with other beings." "The earth said, she spoke, now that she is dead, she said she would no Ionger be a witness to anything." "LooKwhat happenedto her ." "We were on badterms for a longtime, and..." "I told herwe would stay that way until she proved me wrong." "The earth proved me wrong." "She proved me wrong because she is defenseless." "The earth is defenseless." "My flesh, my blood is defenseless like the earth." "But I, I, Estamira, my aura is not defenseless." "If you incinerate all spaces, and I am in the midst, go ahead and burn me, I am in the midst, invisible." "If you burn my sentiment, my flesh, my blood, if it's forthe greater good, if it is forthe truth," "on behalf of the lucidity of all beings, it can be now , this very second, and I will even thank you for it." "I, Estamira," "I do not agree with life." "I will not change my being." "I was conceived like this, I was born like this." "And I will not tolerate the occurrences that exist, that have existedto the sanguine, carnivorous," "terrestrial beings." "I don't like mistakes, I don't like suspicions," "I don't like betrayal, or perversity." "I don't like humiliation," "I don't like immorality ." "The fire is with me now , it is burning me, it is testing me." "Sentiment, all astro-bodies possess sentiment." "This astro-body, Estamira, will not alter being," "I will not yield my being to anything." "I am Estamira, andthat's that." "It definitely is Estamira." "Sirene!" "Sirene!" "fuck!" "I've never had any luck." "The only luck I've ever had was to Know..." "Mr. jardim Gramacho, the dump," "Mr. jardim Gramacho, whom I Iove, and adore." "How I wish my chidren well, and how I wish my friends well." "Mother can't go now ." "Mother can't go now ." "I never had... that which I am," "goodfortune." "Sirene!" "Sirene!" "I'm not going now." "I can't, Sirene." "Sirene, I can't go now , Sirene." "I can't go now , Sirene!" "Dejanir, submerge." "Dejanir, submerge." "Dejanir, my other daughter ." "Maritime daughter." "They are maritime daughters." "AII that is imaginary has, exists, is." "Did you Know that all that is imaginary... exists, and is, and has?" "So it is." "jardim Gramacho will be transferred in 2005." "No more workers will be allowed in the future waste disposals... of Rio de janeiro." "Nicechunkysausage." "pingueletogaveittome." "It'salreadymouldy." "weeatthislikemortadela." "I can'twaittoget homesol canbathe." "wash myself..." "Lateronweshouldarrange togotothebeach." "I'vebeenneedingtogo tothebeach." "weshouldarrangetogo tothebeach." "wecouldgoto Sepetibabeach or Barra." "Any beach... whatdoyouwant todoatthebeach?" "Ithinkl'dratherrest atthebeach." "Tlme to get backto work..."