"There's this thing called "The Law of Man"... list of rules going back to, like, Lincoln." "Probably even those Ice Age dudes." "I don't mean rules like "don't knock up your sister"... although that's a pretty good rule." "No." "I'm talking about the do's and dont's of hooking up." "It's all in "The Law of Man", from the first play to the big show." "Without it, bro, you're just a rat on the carcass of love." "Take my boy Jay." "That's him right there." "Doesn't look like a criminal, but he violated the first "Law of Man"." "The law that says "don't get hung up on one chick... ever"." "If you want to see what the punishment is, stick around." "Because for Jay, today is "judgment day"." "Kim?" "Kim, are you home?" "Kim?" "You're back early!" "It's not every day you celebrate three years with the same woman." "It's Jay." "Yes, it's my boyfriend." "When you get out of the shower, keep your eyes closed." "Kim?" "Oh, hi, honey." "Who is that?" "Her?" "That's Tanisha." "What's up?" "That's our mail lady." "Well, everything's cool." "Everything is not cool." "The person that delivers my phone bill... is exposing her nipples in my shower." "Well, she was walking through the garden... and a huge bug went right into her shirt and..." "Big ol' wasp!" "Why is she naked?" "Well, it stung her so many times..." "I had to get her under hot water immediately." "That's why my areolas are so swollen." "A sting can be very serious." "She could have saved my life." "Oh, gosh..." "I feel like such an ass." "No, I would have thought the exact same thing." "Forgive me, babe?" "Oh, you know I love you." "So sweet." "Can you run down to the drug store and get some aloe?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "Yeah, okay." "Tanisha, you hang in there." "You know, maybe I should call the post office and let them..." "See it?" "Right there." "The exact nanosecond Jay gets spanked by the "Law of Man"." "in case you're wondering, that's me, Dewey." "I'm helping Jay move to his sister's." "Can I be the sensitive pal or what?" "The mail lady?" "She must have given you some hint." "Nothin'." ""Lesbo cravings" don't come out of left field." "She didn't leave any labia magnets on the refrigerator, okay?" "You've got to stop doing this." "I'm not doing anything." "You're leeching onto chicks." "It's embarrassing." "I am not." "Three years with Kimmy... two with that horsey-faced one..." "leeching." "Watch it!" "This is Wilt 's car." "I didn't scratch it." "Not the point." "Wilt Chamberlain bought this car on his rookie year in the N.B.A." "You don't disrespect a man of his achievements." "Can we move my stuff in now?" "Man's beard trimmer is still in the glove compartment." "Hey, Suz!" "I cleared off the couch and put out the good guest towels." "Thanks, Suz." "I appreciate it." "Oh, poor bro' had a rough day?" "Remember, Proverbs teaches us:" ""lf you faint in the day of adversity your strength is small."" "Hi, Dewey." "Susie..." "Please, can I fuck your sister?" "Do me a favor..." "What?" "You know she should lose it to me." "One night." "That's all I'm asking." "And I'm answering the same way I have since the sixth grade." "My sister is off limits." "Just 'cause you have to move in with every chick you nail... doesn't mean the rest of us need to." "Just because you're addicted to sex doesn't mean everybody else is." "Addicted?" "Where do you get that?" "Want to match Wilt Chamberlain's record of twenty thousand women?" "I'll beat his score." "All I have to do is maintain 2.3 chicks per day for the next 2O years." "I stand corrected." "I'm already ahead of where he was at 26." "Please?" "No." "It's nice you're finally... setting goals for yourself, but leave my sister out of this." ""Law of Man", sub-chapter 16:" ""The cool gene cannot be bought"." "You just have it." "Don't say anything to Phil, though, huh?" "What's up, Jay?" "You guys aren't gonna believe this shit." "Where you been, man?" "At Malcolm's." "Listen." "This is huge." "Scott has gone and done it." "Scott." "Now, Scott's the poster for "The Law of Man"." "The dude has more than just game, he owns the sport." "Which is what makes his little announcement so frightening." "You're getting married?" "Yeah." "You mean like to a chick?" "No, not a "chick"." "An unbelievable creature of rare beauty." "Change that, would you?" "It's not that "Linda" is it?" "Or that Russian honey..." "What's her name?" "The one with the cigarette trick?" "No, no." "Her name is Teresa, you guys." "I met her while I was scaring up venture down in Santa Barbara." "Webmaster sent their second notice for payment." "Rip a check in half, mangle the envelope and then send it, okay?" "You're not really gonna marry someone you just met?" "Man, that's crazy." "Wait 'till you meet her, you guys." "Teresa's unbelievable." "On our first date she takes me out sailing." "Then we went over to the Biltmore, we crashed the brunch." "By the time they served dessert..." "No, no..." "Don't do that!" "We were in love." "She even took me home to meet her old man." "Dude, you know this is, like, forever, right?" "Yeah, I know that." "Which is why I want you to be my best man." "And the rest of you guys, too." "Seriously." "I want you standing there beside me next Sunday." "Next Sunday?" "It's fast, ain't it, "Scott-o"?" "Dude, you don't let something like this get away." "Something like what?" "Teresa, of course." "Okay." "But if you make me read some lame-ass poem, I'll beat you down." "We're groomsmen now, baby!" "I don't want to go to this wedding." "What?" "I miss Kim." "I would have done anything for her." "See, that's your problem." "You just can't seem to separate your dick from your emotions." "Phil?" "Bogies, six o'clock." "I can't separate my emotions?" "Where do you get that?" "All right, when was the last time you had a one night stand?" "Well..." "How about never?" "You should just put your testicles up on Ebay." "Smile for the butt!" "Look, dude, we are going to a wedding." "This is where panties get moist... chickies surrender their inhibitions and you are right there in a tux... ready to run the table." "The banquet is yours to plunder, my friend." "Do not be sitting this one out." "See what I'm saying?" "Women can just sense the aroma of "man oil"." "Smile for the butt!" "You mooned them, didn't you?" "Wasn't I supposed to?" "How many times I got to tell you we don't moon the bitches." "I thought you said we don't moon the handicapped?" "Them neither." "Guys?" "What?" "What's that?" "What's what?" "I could have a one-night stand any time I wanted to." "Yeah, but you won't." "Maybe I will." "You care to back that up?" "Maybe I do?" "Then bring it." "I don't score this weekend... you can have my backstage passes." "I don't think so." "I'll throw in my Jackie Chan DVDs." "Not even close." "This has to be something you'd die for." "Like what?" "I am not betting my sister." "'Cause you don't think you'll score." "Yes, I do." "So?" "Okay." "I don't hook up this weekend... you can have my sister." "But there's a condition." "Name it." "Give up sex." "What are you, freakin' nuts?" "Just for the weekend." "Why would I?" "Because you can't not even for three days." "I'm in total control of my weapon." "Prove it." "Okay." "I am so sure of my shit... that if I bone one single chick this whole weekend..." "Including sodomy." "Including sodomy." "I will give you this car." "Wilt's car?" "Damn straight." "You're on." "Phil?" "Are you sure this is the place?" "How much righter can you get?" "If we get arrested for trespassing', I don't know y'all." "Hello?" "Hey." "Hey, look at this little fella." "Don't be petting' the swine, man." "No, it 's okay." "These little pot-bellied pigs are like pets." "I wouldn't go there." "Hey, stop it." "See?" "That's what I mean." "Hey, cut it out!" "Hey, a little help here?" "Down, Pepper." "He's just making friends." "You must be from the United Negro College Fund." "No, we're Scott's friends." "Oh, nice." "Come in." "I'll write you boys a check." "I'm Aunt Eppie." "I also give to those fetus people... so don't expect a fortune." "Are you like, psychotic?" "Hello." "Hi." "Gentlemen, "carpe assum"." "So your company supplies every single meal coming out of "LAX"?" "Except for vegetarian." "Those plant people give me the creeps." "Oh good!" "I'm glad you are here." "I want you to meet Teresa's father." "Mister Shatwell, these are my groomsmen." "This is Phil, Jay, and my best man, Dewey." "Dude, your crib fuckin' rocks." "Hey, I bet you're thirsty." "We'll be right back." "Come here." "How come you never mentioned how loaded these people are?" "I'm sure I did." "No, you didn't, I'd have remembered." "Mister Shatwell is a food service legend." "You guys can't believe how much coin he is sitting on." "So where is she, anyway?" "Who?" "Your bride, man." "Oh, yeah, Teresa." "She's picking up her dress." "She'll be a little late. ln the meantime..." "I bet you guys are anxious to get started." "Started?" "The honeys?" "We are here for you alone, bro'." "Please, I'm getting married, not castrated." "Direct your attention to the bar, you'll find what you're looking for." "Brooke and Melodie, bridesmaids with all the trimmings." "These girls are the cream in the Oreo so bring in your "A" game." "Yeah." "I gotta go." "Go easy on 'em." "You're up." "Haven't we met?" "I'm not sure." "Maybe that one could bend over?" "I'm sorry." "I thought you were handicapped." "No." "What I meant to say was..." "We'll catch up later, then." "Yeah." "We'll be right here." "You know..." "I feel bad, bro'." "Tell you what..." "You give up your sister now... and I promise I won't sell the videos that I make." "No." "I am perfectly capable of having sex with one of those girls." "Well, then get going." "I'm going." "Then go." "I'm gone." "Which one do I get?" "You, Philly?" "Show me the booty." "I'd start right there." "Canapé?" "No, thanks." "Whatever it 's worth, I had nothing to do with that bare ass." "They're your friends, aren't they?" "Well, no." "Those guys?" "They just gave me a ride." "Actually, I'm here ala carte." "How about you?" "I have a boyfriend." "Great." "Price Hurly." "Price Hurly?" "The guy in all the underwear commercials?" "And billboards and magazines and..." "Must be a big deal dating someone that famous." "Oh, no." "We're not going out." "You're not?" "No." "Haven't even met him yet." "But you just said..." "I will." "Price and I are like destined to be together, you know?" "It's like fate." "And that is why I am saving myself." "Refill?" "The "Law of Man":" "If she slams the door in your face, never, ever fetch her a drink." "Somebody stop this guy." "Hey." "Hi." "I'm Phil." "I am Ann." "You got an accent..." "That's because..." "Don't even tell me." "You're from Spain." "No, I'm..." "Sweden?" "No." "Canada." "I'm from here." "Well, maybe you should learn to like, talk better." "I'm deaf, you stupid idiot!" "Thank you." "Cheers." "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Do you happen to know the Latin name for that bush?" "That 's amazing." "It's not polite to steal without offering something to a lady." "Sure." "You're the best man, aren't you?" "How'd you know that?" "Because I'm the Maid of Honor." "Tanya." "I've heard some very bad things about you." "Like what kind of bad things?" "Things that would scare off any Maid of Honor." "But you're not just your average Maid of Honor." "Honor's over-rated." "Unlike a good cigar." "Okay." "Last month, I did Metallica's sound check at the Fillmore." "That was a pretty big deal." "Really?" "My Mom owns the Fillmore." "She does?" "And Arroya Beach." "The whole beach?" "Except for the part they made us donate near the sewage plant." "It wasn't like, a big loss or anything." "Especially after they found that yucky bacteria stuff... on people's skin." "I heard it was flesh eating..." "Oh." "My God." "My Pradas." "I'm sorry." "I've have to... go." "Dew." "That Tanya isn't with you, is she?" "Did you see who just walked in here?" "She comprehends the deepest part of my soul." "Look over there by the stairs." "You are sick, bro'." "No, the girl." "Don't you remember?" "It's Reese." "You were into a Reese in high school, weren't you?" "Only the whole way through junior year." "We were like this big deal." "Her Mom even let me stay over." "So what is she doing here?" "I have no idea." "Scottie's marrying your high school bitch." "Look at..." "Reese, Teresa... duh!" "Oh, crap, here they come." "What do I do?" "You didn't nail her, did you?" "I'm not even gonna go there." "Ah, you didn't." "Unclench your anal chute, bro'." "What if she says something to me?" "What if her Mom recognizes me?" "I would like you to meet my future wife." "Hi, I'm Teresa." "Dewey." "I'm so glad you guys could be here." "I wouldn't miss this for anything." "Jay?" "The rapture of flight is such a fragile gift." "Okay." "Jay..." "Hello." "Nice to meet you, Jay." "Wait a second." "You guys already know each other?" "You mean before now?" "No." "Not at all." "Because that would mean we... would recognize each other and that is not the case." "So, when do we get to meet Mom?" "She passed away." "Thank God." "Thank God your mother's dead?" "The whole thing's no big deal." "Just tell Scotty." "Tell him what?" "That I spent all junior year feeling up his wife?" "Well..." "Take it easy, chief." "Not exactly what you call the perfect wedding gift." "Are you going to pout all weekend... or are you going to suit up for some cave diving?" "Don't you worry." "I have the situation under control." "Who's it gonna be?" "You'll see." "Come on, tell me." "Brooke, okay?" "The stuck-up chick?" "She's gonna rip open your sack and fry your nads for breakfast." "Yeah?" "We'll see about that." "I am so gonna love your sister." "Don't make me warn you again." "Come on, Phil." "Jump up." "Try on your tux." "I ain't doing this." "What are you talking about?" "I'm no groomsman." "I'm not even a man." "Will you grow a spine?" "We all get shot down once in a while." "In sign language?" "No, stick, baby." "Wax on, wax off." "That's it!" "You're toast, "Mary"." "Psycho!" "Jay." "That chick Melodie..." "Didn't you tell me she has a hard-on for Price Hurly?" "And doesn't he always kind of hide his face like that?" "That's right." "No way, Dew." "There's no way he could pull it off." "Oh, yeah." "Pull what off?" "Hell, yeah." "He does kind of look like him." "Look at this." "I am wearing a Kotex in my ass." "What's the point of working out if you're never gonna use it?" "But I don't have those piercings." "I mean, look at the man's nipple." "I promise it only hurts for, like, a second." "You no move." "Is that thing even sharp?" "Am I bleeding?" "It says here Price likes cigarette boats, sushi and Ethiopian women." "Let me see that." "All right, Phil, try this." ""Yeah, man, I'm so over that whole Milan freak show"." "Yeah, man." "I'm so..." "No, no, no." "Look, you've got to make it real." "Just, "Yeah, man"." "Chill." "Yeah, man." "That freak show thing is so over, baby." "Yeah, that's it, see?" "Jesus!" "It wasn't even numb yet." "No refund." "I do nipple now." "My nipple?" "Wait, man." "Will I lose sensitivity?" "Will I lose sensitivity?" "I'll catch up with you guys later." "Where you going, Jay?" "To win a bet." "Hey, I changed my mind." "I changed my mind." "I changed my mind, Dewey." "I do over, no charge." "Hey, Brooke, right?" "What are you doing here?" "Some last minute wedding shopping." "Really?" "Me, too." "God, I am running a total blank on the whole gift ideas thing." "You mind if I tag along?" "As long as you're not gonna try to hit on me." "Me?" "No, I wouldn't even..." "That shoe would look good on your foot." "Cool tattoo." "I love that." "I'm actually thinking about getting a shark... with a human leg stuck in its teeth." "Why do I get the feeling you're hitting on me?" "You think I'm hitting on you?" "Well, that's really..." "A "half-caf' mocha chocolate cappuccino"." "Sure thing." "Jay..." "I don't date." "Oh, I don't date either." "It's really amazing how many things we have in common." "I don't date because I like sex." "You see?" "Right there." "So do I." "No, you know, I mean, I really like sex." "Me, too." "So much that I can never have it." "Sorry?" "Sertraline..." "It impairs my sex drive." "If I don't take this, I'm a very different person." "An animal, a pleasure-seeking predator... who savages people for my own gratification." "Me, too." "Did you ever kill someone?" "What do you mean?" "Three years ago I was seeing my French professor." "You sure you want to hear this?" "Yeah, I don't got anything better to do." "It was noon." "Two hours... since I had sex with the food service guy." "Excuse me." "May I pet your cat?" "By the time I got to Doctor Devereaux's office..." "I was like a crazed tiger." "You're like a crazed tiger!" "I was a pent-up volcano and nothing was gonna stop me." "Slow down!" "I cannot breathe!" "The fur is very soft." ""Si vous plait!"" "I need my medication." "My inhaler!" "I was so busy pleasuring myself..." "I just assumed he was getting off." "So, I just kept at it." "One hour." "Three hours." "Who was keeping track?" "I never noticed a thing until..." "You mean, he could still..." "Rigor mortis." "Which is why I can never have sex again." "Now, I already have ten thousand subscribers." "Your investment would take us to half a mil' in six months, easy." "A year later we are talking major IPO slots." "What do you mean she's psycho?" "She has to take pills to stay balanced." "You mean, like a squirrel?" "No, not like a squirrel." "Mentally, right?" "She's a sexual predator." "That is hot." "She killed a guy." "Dude, that is so hot." "I don't see your breasts." "Sorry, I..." "You get on a plane and they serve you chicken in those little trays." "Who do you think thought up the idea to grow chickens... with breasts that small?" "You." "Yes." "How am I supposed to get anywhere with any of these chicks?" "There are other fishes in the sea, my friend." "Oh, yeah?" "You mean, like Tanya, who wants you... or Melodie, who's holding out for the Price Hurly fairy." "Look, if you can't handle Level Two, don't play the game." "Dew you gotta let me slide." "No, no." "You are not punking on this bet." "I don't have a chance in hell." "Then pay up." "Goodbye!" "Susie!" "What are you doing here?" "I had a recital in Ventura and Pastor Frank dropped me off." "Hi, Dewey!" "But you weren't supposed to come until the wedding." "I know." "But I thought the best gift..." "I could give Scott would be the gift of fellowship." "Let's start with rehearsal, shall we?" "There's something you need to know about Scott's fiancée." "Suz!" "No way!" "I can't believe it!" "Hi there, Scotty!" "Come here." "I wanna you meet someone I had a crush on in college." "This is Jay's sister, Susie." "Hey, aren't you..." "But..." "The minister's waiting." "He's got a lot of things to bless, so why don't we catch up later?" "Fabulous idea." "Ladies to the left... gents to the right." "Jay, Scotty's marrying..." "Reese, I know." "But he doesn't know." "He doesn't know you guys were together?" "No, and I'd just assume he never finds out." "You're protecting her virtue." "What?" "Oh, yeah, that." "All right, we'll start with the vows." "What the hell is he doing?" "Ah, just roll with it." "Is that who I think it is?" "Hey, what's up, man?" "All right." "Let's nail this bitch!" "Thank you." "Come here, you." "The Price man is here." "Who wants to unwrap... some of this semi-sweet chocolate?" "You can't just park here like that, man." "They gonna come and..." "This is Wilt Chamberlain's car." "In the flesh." "Hell, man, just leave it right there... 'cause there ain't nobody touching "The Dipper's" ride." "You heard the man." "You'll remember this moment when riding back from the strip club." "Easy on the drinks, okay, Suz?" "And that was that." "But then why pretend to be that Phil guy?" "Well, you see..." "Baby." "Baby." "Price's to cope out the scene first." "'cause if I don't go "incog-negro"... the media's gonna be all over me." "So that's why you didn't bring Kirsten?" "Who?" "Girlfriend." "Oh, girlfriend Kirsten?" "Yeah." "She is history." "Really?" "What happened?" "She died..." "While we were racing cigarette boats." "I did not know that you were in a boating accident." "I almost lost a testicle." "Another one?" "Say what?" "Didn't you already have one removed?" "Five years ago." "Yeah, five years ago." "But it grew back." "I was part of a major medical situation... where they took fibers from my triceps area... and they fused it in this region, making it more pronounced." "The correct medical terminology for what I have is called..." ""tri-sticles"." "Tri-sticles..." "I'd like to say something." "A couple of weeks ago, I'd not have dreamed... that someone like Teresa would wanna be my wife." "The whole thing has been amazing." "My only regret is that I'll never get to meet her Mom." "Jesus, dude!" "Suck the life out of the room." "But I have gotten to know Mister Shatwell." "I wanna thank him for the generosity that he has shown the both of us." "So I realize this might seem a bit premature but... seeing as we're practically married anyhow..." "It's a Rolex, Sir." "It's a small token of what your daughter means to me." "Well, that's very thoughtful, son." "See something you like?" "The napkins." "They're little swans." "You are so gonna lose this bet." "Yeah." "We'll just see about that." "What is it about weddings?" "What do you mean?" "Well, don't you think being here is kid of, I don't know..." "Erotic?" "Yes." "Me neither." "You do?" "Definitely." "That's... that's good." "Which makes me wonder why your friend is avoiding me." "My friend?" "Dewey." "You mean like this?" "Oh, no." "You gotta be much more casual." "I was told he is "sexually advanced"." "He is." "But..." "Then why does he scurry off like a frightened cockroach?" "Because... because he needs my guidance." "You?" "It's true." "I like to stay in the background, slip him helpful hints... erogenous zones, "g" spots, that sort of thing." "Dewey thinks of me like a "sexual savant"." "No, seriously." "Doesn't he like me?" "Oh, no, the Lord's in a church." "You're so funny!" "Yes, he does." "But he has this condition." "What condition?" "The kind guys don't like to usually talk about." "How sad." "Well..." "I try to tell him." "The right woman can make all the difference... but does he listen?" "I got this new perfume on especially for the wedding." "Smell me." "Smell me." "Is that holy water?" "Lose?" "I don't think so." "I am so sorry." "Here..." "Look at me." "Am I a klutz?" "Let me help you." "It's my fault." "My God." "So, uh, how you been?" "Me?" "God, life is great." "Same here." "Yeah, I know." "You and Scott." "I mean, what are the odds?" "Small world I guess." "Jay, look." "I know it's been a long time but I still feel terrible." "Hey, we were kids." "Yeah, but I at least should have said goodbye." "I'm over it." "Then there's no reason why we shouldn't tell Scott the truth." "You want to tell Scott?" "He'll probably get a good laugh out of it." "He probably will, you know?" "Then it's decided." "We will tell Scott." "Tell me what?" "We were just discussing the..." "The bachelor party." "What about it?" "Well?" "That a donkey show would be way out of line." "I think you're lying." "I think you're fuckin' my wife." "Dude... change your name to "Gilligan"." "Going some place?" "To see Brooke." "It's three A.M., bro'." "She's asleep." "That's what I'm counting on." "You guys talking about me?" "Give it up, bro'." "The chick is on some nasty-ass pharmaceuticals." "Was on some nasty-ass pharmaceuticals." "A shocking abuse of "The Law of Man"." "This should stop right here." "Don't even move." "I am so there for this." "Me too." "What are we doing again?" "Check it out." "Fish." "Phil..." "I'll come back here with some bait." "Okay, Phil, be our eyes out here." "Be the bush." "Dewey, you're with me." "Oh, so butch." "I'm getting all tingly." "Hey." "What bush?" "What was that?" "Pig dooky." "Oh, it's the nut-job and her swine." "Go." "Gotta be Reese's room." "Where is she?" "Probably off smoking Scotty's pole." "Bite me." "Be the bush." "Be the bush." "Say, I wonder what they do to underwear models in prison?" "Well, of course you like it." "I knew you would." "And that is why I put it on." "Oh baby, your taste is so evolved." "For the record, I am not a "peeping tom"." "Just this one time." "It's only two thousand dollars from Paris." "Stop that, Price." "Stop that." "Price." "You're being so bad." "Oh, yeah, baby." "Your bad boy is right here." "This is it." "Cover the hall." "Give me five minutes to make the switch." "Hey, wait." "What?" "Anything goes wrong... cap her." "With paintball?" "This shit hurts." "Keep dreaming." "Well..." "Did someone get lonely?" "Price, I really loved your last catalog." "Wait till you get your hands on the real thing." "I just knew that we were meant to be together... when I saw you on page nineteen riding that stallion." "Soon, I'll be riding you, my little "hump-a-chu"." "I may be going to hell for this... but somebody's gonna be eating their words on Monday." "What is all this crap?" "If I can't close a one-night stand, think again." "Are you going to stand there?" "I'm not allowed to do anything else." "Oh, it's okay." "You don't have to pretend with me." "Pretend?" "I know all about it." "Any other time and I..." "Plenty of men have the same problem." "Problem?" "Whoa, do you think, do you think?" "I do not have "pecker-pucker"." "Then there is another reason you don't want me." "Well, as a matter of fact, um..." "You prefer schoolgirls?" "No." "Schoolboys?" "No!" "Then I guess you're just shit out of excuses." "I want us to be together forever, and forever and forever." "I mean forever." "I don't know about all those "forevers"." "But I'd like to hit it a couple of times." "And you'd never leave me?" "Baby, I ain't going nowhere." "You can count on it." "Pepper?" "Pepper..." "How much stuff you brought for one stupid wedding." "Come on, pills, where are you?" "Sertraline... this bet is over, my friend." "Are you going to stop this nonsense?" "Oh, look, I really want to." "It's just that..." "That you're impotent." "Admit it." "No." "Okay, yes, yes, I can't pitch a tent." "I'm a dickless she-male." "There, I said it." "Good." "Now we can begin the road to recovery." "Pepper!" "Where are you?" "Oh, I gotta go." "Dumb aspirin bottles with their damn childproof caps..." "Jay, we have to..." "Bad pig!" "That is so wrong, it's right." "We've got to stop this." "No time, bro'." "But she's..." "She's obviously digging it." "We've got to go back!" "Are you high?" "I didn't make the switch." "You had your chance." "Look, I am not giving up." "Phil?" "You all right?" "What happened, Phil?" "Talk to us." "My chest feels funny." "Damn." "What?" "Oh, it's nothing." "You said, "Damn"." "No, I over-reacted." "What?" "He's right." "Don't worry about it." "Tell me." "Phil, you're missing something." "What do you mean?" "It's nothing big." "What am I missing?" "Your nipple." "My nipple's missing?" "Relax." "I can do a field suture." "Keep him away from me, man." "My nipple's missing!" "Don't be such a wuss!" "Dude, why don't you take him to the emergency room... and I'll look for the nipple and I'll meet you there." "Okay, but I could do the work for a lot cheaper." "Come on." "Please find my nipple." "Get up, get up." "Lots of guys lead productive lives with one nipple." "Pepper, Mommy's looking for you." "Pepper!" "There it is." "No, it's a snail." "I wasn't spying out there, really." "I know exactly what you were doing." "You do?" "I made this bet with Dewey..." "Paintball at five in the morning?" "You never grew up, did you?" "I guess not." "Well, as long as you're here." "What are you doing?" "Well, I have to dance with Scott tomorrow... but I suck like you wouldn't believe." "And I'm supposed to improve the situation?" "What's so funny?" "Do you remember the last time we did this?" "No." "Yes, you do." "Junior Prom at the Hyatt, last dance..." "Bee Gee's "You're My Everything"." "I dribbled beer on your dress and shoes, that's all I remember." "Right before I moved." "That's right..." "You moved!" "Yeah." "Mom got re-married and we had to go." "I couldn't say goodbye to any of my friends." "I figured it was something like that." "It wasn't anything like that." "I tried to call you every day for a year but I thought you hated me." "Hated you?" "No." "Disappointed, yeah." "Mom always said we were good together." "She'd be happy you were here." "Well, you have Scott now, so everything turned out for the best." "Scott's great." "Dependable, too." "You'd not find a better husband." "Or friend." "Oh, shit!" "The nipple." "Oh, God." "No!" "No, bad pig!" "Bad pig!" "What's he got?" "Bad cheese." "It'll kill a pig this small." "You're going down, "Tiny"." "You are so bacon." "Give me that nipple, pig!" "You lose, pig!" "God!" "Hell of a shot, Sir." "Good eye." "Damn!" "I could do that." "Ah, it got away from me there." "I think the wind caught it over those trees out there..." "Sit on a fork?" "I don't want to discuss it." "It's a crying shame you didn't switch those pills." "Right about now Brooke would be feeling that urge... that hunger down below that even "pig-a-lingus" couldn't satisfy." "Enough already." "Well, no use crying over spilt aspirins." "The good news is, you didn't get caught." "It would have upset so many people." "Oh, that Dewey is the friendliest boy I've ever met." "Susie, I've been meaning to thank you." "Oh, please." "Helping others is the road to rapture." "No, I mean for not saying anything to Scott." "Well, that's none of my beeswax, now is it?" "Well, seeing Jay again has made things a little complicated." "Well, you don't have to explain to me." "You'd shoot a lot straighter with your head out of the man's ass." "Pull!" "Oh, yeah!" "Ten o'clock?" "What?" "Oh, those pills are five bucks each." "Who did this?" "I am gonna kill that pig." "Pull!" "You're the man, Scott." "Show'em how it's done." "Pull!" "Take that!" "Give the best man some of that." "You sure of this, tough guy?" "You know which end to point to the sky?" "Launch that sucker!" "Asswipe!" "It's all in how you lead the target." "That's good advice, Sir, especially in business." "Oh, yes." "Innovate or die." "Well, I'm glad you feel that way... 'cause I planned to launch as soon as you make that twelve million available." "Twelve million?" "Scott, that's a piece of change." "Any idea how many lasagna and crackers I'd have to fly?" "Well, you have seen my profit projections." "They're bulletproof." "Of course, if you need a day or so to think about it..." "Whore!" "Your grip's all cockeyed." "Here, let me help you." "Scott, don't take this the wrong way, but what are you doing?" "Everything's cool." "You're hammering the guy." "It's not like he doesn't have it." "Maybe, but shouldn't you wait... 'till you marry Reese?" "Who?" "Teresa." "No, you said "Reese"." "I'm sure I didn't." "No, you did." "Whatever." "I want to make sure that you'll get married for the right reasons." "Philly." "How can you say something like that?" "Maybe because all I'd be thinking about is my future wife." "Just hold on a second here." "You mean you can't tell how in love we are?" "Well, I guess." "That girl means everything to me." "And she feels exactly the same way." "If you don't believe, ask her." "No, it's not necessary." "Look, Jay, I know you're looking out for me... and I appreciate that." "But don't you have your own negotiations to close?" "Holy Mother of God." "Your shooting woke me up." "Sorry." "It is pretty late." "You know, I didn't sleep very well." "No?" "Why's that?" "You." "Me?" "I haven't treated you very nicely and it was bothering me all night." "And ever since I got up I've been thinking how to make it better." "You have?" "What time's the bachelor part over?" "There's no last call or anything." "Then why don't you come over say... around one?" "Yeah, sure, okay." "Don't keep me waiting." "The birdies!" "Reese!" "Yes!" "That's what I'm talkin' about!" "What's for dinner, baby?" "!" "Welcome to Santa Barbara." "Not to worry..." "I've got you set up for the whole weekend." "Uncle Neal, got your key right there." "Yeah, Goldmans, there was no sweat on that mid-size upgrade." "Yeah, Bobby." "Sorry, they checked on your prior arrests." "Take this to my car." "I can get you a ride with the Goldmans." "I will take you down for this." "Look, last night..." "I was crazy." "Yeah, I'm glad we didn't do something we would have regretted." "That's for sure." "Anyway, I'm glad you and Brooke like each other." "She's one of my best friends." "Oh, yeah, Brooke, she's great." "She's real down to earth." "Good, good.'Cause some guys get put off by her freaky side." "Oh, no, no." "She told me all about it." "I'm fine with it." "Yeah." "You never know with fetishes." "Fetishes?" "I don't remember her mentioning any..." "Yeah." "Brooke's not satisfied unless..." "What am I saying?" "Forget I even mentioned it." "So what exactly is this fetish?" "Really." "I can't." "Does she liked to get spanked?" "No." "Handcuffs?" "African-American dildos?" "I mean, she doesn't like to get tinkled on or anything?" "Please, I never should have opened my mouth." "Yeah, okay." "Good to know." "Good to know." "A Buick." "I'll get that." "Thank you." "I've got it." "That's my stuff." "Do something." "Go on, look at her." "She wants your lava, man." "No, I'm not fooling her." "You're saying that because you fell out of a second story window." "Even if she believes me, it won't last." "She is gonna figure it out." "How is she gonna do that?" "Maybe when she sees that I have one nipple and two testicles?" "Man, you are almost in there." "Do you even know how hard this is for me?" "I'm lame, man." "What do you think girls say when they see me coming?" ""Oh, girl, look." "Here comes Phil The Loser." "What stupid-ass thing is he gonna say this time?"" "And you want me to be somebody else?" "Why?" "So I can be humiliated as two different people?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "It's Price!" "We love you, Price." "You have to sign my jog bra." "I'm sorry, but I'm not Price." "Yes, you are." "No, I'm not." "I have your poster in my room." "Yeah, me too." "All right, girls, you heard him." "You hear him." "You're really not Price?" "No." "I'm just Phil." "Phil?" "Somebody doesn't believe you." "You said ten bucks each." "Did I?" "Or you can be the team bitch." "Say it, come on!" "Say it!" "I am a dog." "I'm sorry." "Did I hear a cricket take a piss?" "Come on." "I am a dog!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "I'd better get going." "Brooke's waiting." "You're actually going through with this?" "Disappointed?" "Impressed." "I couldn't be with a chick who's been with swine." "Guys." "What the hell?" "Guys!" "What?" "Did you hire a midget?" "Because that's a young midget." "Hold it, hold it, hold it." "What's that?" "What's the matter?" "Is that your kid?" "So?" "This is a bachelor party." "My sitter got picked up for D.U.I." "Guys, I'm sorry." "I will, take care of this shit, I promise." "What?" "Suz!" "Where you been?" "Midnight service." "I lit a candle for you." "That's nice, but I'm not the one getting married." "I asked the Virgin to keep you away from Brooke." "You had to bring Jesus' mom into this?" "Jay, don't go there tonight." "You're in love with Reese." "What?" "Where do you get that?" "I see the way you stare at each other." "We were over a long time ago." "Then why has every girlfriend you ever had looked just like her?" "That is so not true." "Kim and Stephanie?" "Five-six, dark hair, button nose?" "Excuse me." "Stephanie had a deviated septum." "Don't go." "I have to." "Why?" "I can't tell you, okay?" "I can't." "Price?" "It's open." "Price?" "What's up, sugar pie?" "About time." "Here." "Take these up to the pro shop." "I'll take it from here, Aunt Eppie." "Let me just say, you look good!" "I just want you to know even though this is a one-night stand..." "I will not treat you like a piece of meat." "And when this is over... maybe we can catch a ball game..." "It would have to be a night game, because I work weekends." "Look, honey, we all have mothers." "But not at a bachelor party, okay?" "It violates "The Law of Man"." "I really need this gig." "Couldn't we come up with some compromise?" "Like?" "Don't even bother trying to explain "The Law of Man" to a stripper." "I can't, hon." "I can't." "At least consider my offer." "You're probably good at this." "I'm a professional." "Oh, for God's sakes, woman." "I'm only human." "You want control, huh?" "What?" "Wait." "I'm waiting." "I'm waiting." "Here." "I'm really, really flattered... but I'm more like a small or medium." "Silly." "Stop playing around and put in Frieda." "Frieda?" "My diaphragm." "You named your diaphragm?" "I name everything." "Karen's my blow dryer and Sophia's my tweezers." "Okay." "Let me see." "It should go like..." "Maybe I got it upside down?" "Before I..." "where is the arrow on this thing?" "It's round." "Price, you have done this before?" "On a girl?" "Price Hurly has done this before." "No." "I have." "I have done this before." "It's just that a brother's just a little rusty, that's all." "Frieda!" "Goddamn it!" "Oh, no." "Frieda." "You aren't Price Hurly, are you?" "No." "No, I am." "I am." "Listen..." "I'm gonna go get it, I'm gonna come back and prove that I'm Price." "Come here... now!" "Let's get busy, sweetheart." "I don't want to be a pain or anything... but sex in the shower recalls some very bad images for me." "I've got a lot of catching up to do... so get in here!" "Oh, one more day." "24 hours." "It's only booty." "Incredible stripper with nipples like Susan B. Anthony dollars." "Damn." "Keep it together." "You poor, poor boy." "It must be unbearable having a condition like yours... and what did I do?" "I made fun." "It's okay." "No, it's not." "I feel terrible." "I couldn't even sleep." "Have you tried drinking chocolate milk?" "I'll never forgive myself if you don't let me help you with this." "Please, I'll lose my car..." "Wilt Chamberlain's car." "I'm here now." "Tanya's gonna make you whole again." "You can't do this." "You gotta do this." "You'll lose everything." "You can't deny God's master plan." "Who are you talking to?" "Get away!" "Get away!" "That hurt." "What you looking for?" "Nothing." "I find stuff all the time." "That's really nice." "I found this." "That's mine." "Finders keepers." "Hey, Buddy, why don't you give that back?" "Why?" "What is it?" "Shouldn't you be in bed?" "It smells funny." "You shouldn't be doing that." "It tastes funny, too." "Oh, God, no." "Hey, look." "Why don't you be a nice little kid... and let me have it." "What in the hell's going on?" "What's in your mouth, Jimmy?" "Jesus H. Christmas!" "Let go." "You sick bastard." "I was trying to help him out." "Wait a second." "You're that underwear guy." "Well, yeah, if you're asking." "I'm the man." "Why?" "You want an autograph or something?" "What?" "I'm not the man?" "Do you or don't you want me?" "I do." "Of course I do." "Then give me what I need." "What you need?" "You do know what a girl needs?" "Oh, that, yeah." "Uh, more." "Maybe you should turn around?" "I'm liking this already." "Uh, okay." "Well, here we go." "So, go." "Just a second." "I've never done this." "Not like, except... writing my name in the snow." "What are you doing?" "You prefer the front?" "You pee-peed on me." "It's what you wanted, right?" "Oh, you disgusting filthy freak." "Get out!" "Get the hell out!" "And don't you ever come near me again!" "Price?" "Price?" "Don't hide." "I'm a huge fan." "Hello." "No!" "No!" "It's over." "Congratulations." "Are most definitely not in order." "And everything I was supposed to do in the end?" "You were right." "I couldn't do it." "I never had a one-night stand." "I was stupid for even trying." "Since when did you start smoking?" "Since I jumped into a pool with no water." "That must have hurt." "Yes." "Yes, it did." "You're also right about Reese." "I never did get over her." "That's why every relationship of mine has been a disaster." "Each one a band-aid just to cover up for losing Reese." "And tomorrow I lose her for good." "So you didn't nail Brooke?" "That's what I've been trying to tell you." "That means I win the bet." "Susie's all yours... if you can make it past tomorrow." "I have to tell you." "You look hideous." "Really?" "Usually I'm pretty perky after urinating on my date." "It was a mean thing to do." "Why did you do that?" "Because." "Oh, that clears it up." "Thanks." "Because I don't want you to sleep with Brooke." "When Scott and I met, he was everything I was looking for." "He's smart, handsome, ambitious funny." "I know." "A good kisser." "I get the picture." "He made me forget about what happened with us." "But, now that you're here, I can't marry Scott... until I know if what you and I had was a teenage fantasy... or something real." "Did I mention I have this fetish?" "Just a sec." "Reese?" "Reese?" "Reese?" "Come on." "Shake it, girlfriend." "We're late." "Reese?" "Reese?" "Jay!" "You guys are cutting it kinda close, huh?" "Everything cool?" "Yeah." "Under control." "Everything's good." "There's something up, isn't there?" "Not at all." "Come on, man." "We've been buds forever." "You can tell me." "You holding out on me?" "No." "Why would I do that?" "I'm sorry." "What am I saying." "This whole wedding thing... is just playing games with my head." "Scott, as a point of interest... have you considered how fast this whole thing is happening?" "I thought we already covered this." "Yes, and it may just be me... but, it doesn't really seem that you care that much for Teresa." "Yeah." "Sure I do." "For the most part." "Can you hand me that shoe horn please?" ""For the most part"?" "Look." "Maybe I don't "love" Teresa in the traditional way... but would you turn all this down if it just landed in your lap?" "But Scott, you're marrying this girl." "It's crazy." "And wagering your sister on a bet with Dewey isn't?" "How did you know?" "What difference does it make?" "The point is, you're just doing what you got to do, just like me." "Maybe, but there's something you don't know." "What?" "Last night..." "He's in here." "There he is." "Bad luck to see the groom before the wedding." "It's a big day for all of us." "I know." "That's great." "Right there." "Another one, please?" "Look at this guy." "Great, great." "That's enough, Davey." "And don't forget..." "I want a picture with my Kosher meal people." "A little nervous, are we?" "Well, I have a lot to live up to." "Now, not even Teresa knows this, but before her mother passed away..." "I promised our daughter's happiness would come before everything." "Now, I don't pretend to get this internet crap... but I do know your success would make Teresa very happy." "So, "son"... you've got your twelve mil." "Okay!" "Welcome to the family." "Thanks, "Dad"." "I'll see you at the altar." "Hey, Jay..." "Yeah?" "About last night..." "Because of last night, Philly's gonna be a little late." "Where is he?" "Oh, I'm sure he'll make it." "Yes." "Hello." "I need a little help on the balcony!" "Oh, shit!" "I'm late!" "Ann!" "Out here!" "Girl, look out the window!" "No!" "Don't go!" "Dude, I have to talk to you." "Have you seen her anywhere?" "We made a bet and I have to respect that bet." "She's putting on her dress." "Who?" "Reese." "And who cares where she is." "I'm trying to be straight with you even though it's breaking my heart." "After we split up last night, something went down." "How did you know?" "How did I know what?" "That after we split up, something went down?" "'Cause I was there." "You were there?" "Where else?" "You were in my room?" "No, I was in my room." "And you saw us?" "What are you talking about?" "Last night." "Me, too." "When you left the bar I hung out." "You know, just chillin'." "Everything under control." "I mean, come on, a stripper?" "I could handle that." "So that's what I did." "I tried to stop myself but it was useless." "A higher power had me in its grip... maybe even the Big Guy himself." "I'm sorry, Wilt." "Um, I should probably mention something else." "You what?" "I nailed Tanya and the stripper." "But that means..." "That I lost the bet." "We both lost the bet." "You did lose the bet?" "Excuse me?" "Rafferty, did you bone someone?" "We're waiting!" "What are you, retarded?" "Just take a seat, dude." "We're supposed to seat them." "We are?" "Well, that blows." "Don't expect anything up front." "Reese!" "Your hair looks beautiful." "With that dress." "I hate you." "I need to see Teresa." "I'm sorry." "I left it at home." "What's that?" "The rats ass I'm supposed to give." "Reese!" "She doesn't want to see you." "I have to speak to her." "She says "Mister Dirty Pants" can come in." "Oh, that's nice." "Well, there's only one first time you get married, so..." "So don't you should be sure?" "I am sure." "Tell me last night wasn't incredible." "It was." "Then how could you just sneak out and pretend like it never happened?" "I can't just cancel my wedding... because my high school boyfriend showed up." "People do it all the time." "It's a fantasy." "We don't even know each other anymore." "Would you hand me my shoes." "Reese, that buzz I had last night wasn't theater." "Whatever we used to have is still there." "When I was ten, I had this fantasy, every little girl does... about the perfect wedding with the perfect dress... and the ceremony and the guy you pictured standing next to you." "Well, that's happening for me today." "You're scared." "Fine." "I'll tell Scott." "He's a black belt, but I can move fast." "Jay, last night was a beautiful "could have been"... but I'm getting married today and you have to accept that." "I will." "When you can say to my face I don't mean anything to you." "I have to finish my make-up." "I heard what happened with Brooke." "Great." "What did they do, put it in the wedding program?" "I am just so proud of you!" "I knew you couldn't go through with it!" "Because of last night there were things that were put into motion." "What do you mean?" "Promises were made that concern you." "Me?" "Unfortunately, yes." "Are you mixed up in these promises?" "Well, yeah." "Well, then I'm not worried..." "I trust you more than anyone else in the whole wide world." "And I know you would never do anything to hurt me." "Go get'em." "Where have you been?" "I had to seat 300 rich asses." "They don't tip." "Where's Phil?" "Still a no-show." "We can't wait for him any longer." "Where's Philly?" "I'm sure he'll make it." "Is that a slice of paradise?" "Twelve mil on the hoof." "Come to daddy, honey." "Please join me in celebrating the love of these two young people... who today have arrived at this moment of fulfillment and promise." "I gotta pee." "Help." "Look at me." "Ann." "Help me!" "Scott and Teresa, in making these vows... your hearts have given themselves over to the confidence and faith... that only true love can bring." "In the spirit of this faith, I'd like to ask those of you gathered... if there is anyone who objects to this union." "I object to gay videos." "Well, then." "Teresa, do you take Scott to be your husband?" "For better, or worse, for richer or poorer... in sickness and in health... for as long as you both shall live?" "I do." "Own it, baby." "Phil?" "Just, a band..." "You got any Tupac?" "Hey, Scott." "What are you doing here?" "You can't marry Scott." "I just did." "He's doing it for money." "That's not true." "He doesn't love you." "I don't want to hear this." "Look at me." "You said we don't know each other anymore, right?" "Well, know this." "There are a lot of girls out there who look like you." "I'd probably get together with every one of them." "Why?" "In the hope that someone out there can live up to the feelings..." "I haven't been able to shake since when I saw you at that concert." "Look at the flowers." "They're so pretty." "Who died?" "Hey, Spice Girls." "If everyone has arrived..." "No worries." "Let it rip." "Let's see." "Bride's I do's..." "then, Scott." "Do you take Teresa to be your wife?" "For better, or worse, for richer or poorer... in sickness and in health for as long as you both shall live?" "I do." "Then you may exchange the rings." "A symbolic start to the journey you are about to take." "Could I change my answer?" "What?" "Is it possible to take it back?" "Teresa." "But you've already said it." "Yeah, but, things have changed." "You can't take back a vow." "I can't?" "Certainly not!" "Then Scott..." "Yeah?" "I want a divorce." "What?" "Are you kidding me?" "Desecrater!" "Outrageous!" "I also object to Vietnamese people!" "Let's go, Rafferty!" "Right now!" "You and me outside... you son-of-a-bitch!" "And Jesus can see you!" "Is that vile or what?" "Yet another atrocity against "The Law of Man"." "Ever since then it's been like a Bombay bus crash." "First, Jay and Reese move in together with "Nibbles"... her jealous cat." "Then it gets really twisted." "Poor Phil." "If those Ice Age guys are around to see this... they'd repo' our dicks." "Notice I did say "our dicks"." "I love you." "See, I moved in with Jay's sister two months ago." "And Dewey won't ever sleep with another woman again?" "No, Mistress Susie." "May I please have another?" "Gentlemen, we're all doomed... every last one of us." "And..." "Action!" "That's why my areolas are so swollen." "Smile for the butt!" "What kind of bad things?" "She passed away." "You bastard." "I also..." "I also..." "What is it?" "Look, can I..." "That's what I'm talking about." "Yeah!" "Action!" "This whole wedding thing is just playing games..." "Sorry." "Oh, yeah..." "What's your name again?" "Okay." "Susie." "Look at this little fella." "Get it!" "Get it down!"