"Well, sir, the whole thing begins in an exceedingly large village, which is called by name as New York City." "It is a crazy year and a crazy time when a citizen name of Rockefeller is handing' out dimes." "It is a time when gin comes in bathtubs and cops come in pairs due to the Volstead Act, which is enforced somewhat." "And in certain communities around the land, violin students are meeting' one another unexpectedly on certain streets and immediately commence to make beautiful music at each other." "Like I said, it is a crazy time, what with this and that and one thing and another." "Now it comes on a pleasant spring morning that a tale begins to unfold." "This tale concerns a somewhat gentleman by the name of Honey Talk Nelson, who is a very dapper citizen, usually found on or about the premises of Mindy's Restaurant, a well-known eating' emporium situated on the main stem." "Uh, this citizen is not Mr. Nelson, but these are Honey Talk's friends, all followers of the sport of kings, and a noble breed of men, providing you do not expect too much of nobility." "They are deeply interested in horse racing." "Philly the Weeper, Milk Ear Willie," "The Society Kid, Lead-Pipe Louie, No-Knees Nolan..." "Sam..." "Sam?" "Sam!" "So sue me!" "Now, here is Honey Talk Nelson, himself." "So called because he can honey talk strangers out of anything, especially money." "The guy with him is Fat Phil, who is no stranger." "Stop the honey talk, Honey Talk!" "I am no stranger!" "6 million people in New York and everybody knows me." "Jimmy Walker better import some new strangers." "Sam." "Hmm?" "I got a horse at Jamaica, hotter than a base runner." "Lead-pipe positive." "Like money from home." "You want in?" "Yeah, I'll..." "I'll pool my dough with yours." "That's no pool, that's a birdbath." "Look, Honey Talk, I am not partin' with any of my workin' capital." "Sam." "I'll give you one of my markers." "Markers?" "The town is swimmin' now in your markers." "You're the only citizen on this street who has his IOU's printed." "What's the matter with my IOU's?" "Just feel the quality of that paper." "Stop mooching from the fraternity, Honey Talk." "Yeah." "How come your cousin doesn't stake you?" "Cousin has to give him what to eat now." "And if it wasn't for that horse doctor, he wouldn't even have where to sleep." "What's the matter, you geniuses never had a losing streak?" "Everybody's entitled to a losing streak, but 126 days out of the money, you're abusing the privilege." "Okay, the next time you touts see me, just line up and get paid off." "Then scratch yourselves right out of my life, 'cause my luck is changin' today." "I got that feeling right in the seat of my pants." "Hey, Honey Talk, wait a minute!" "Here's a double finnif." "That's all you can spare?" "Well, now wait..." "It's all right for a start, Sam." "I'll give you a marker." "Okay, what's the name of the horse?" "Jumbo Schneider desires to see you, Honey Talk." "Can't you see I'm busy?" "Personally, I would advise you to come with me." "What for?" "Jumbo don't say what for." "If you get Jumbo sored up, he might be inclined to trim your toenails up to here." "Listen, Oscar, I only know one thing, the guy owes me 6,000 potatoes, see?" "And I don't care if he's a commissioner." "You tell him that either he pays up with Jumbo by next Thursday noon, or he is suddenly taken fatally dead." "Tell my boys that my books don't take no more bets from cops, over $2,000." "Honey Talk Nelson, Jumbo." "You sent for him." "Gentlemen usually remove their hats in a person's home." "Oh, sure, sure." "It's n-nice to know you, Mr. Schneider." "It is not nice to know me." "I know me and believe me, it is not nice to know me, especially when you're indebted to me." "I'm not indebted to you, Mr. Schneider." "I only deal with your books when I have cash." "It's a well-known fact to one and all that you don't care for IOU's." "Well, you talk good, Honey Talk, but you talk wrong." "You see, because you are indebted to me to the amount of..." "Three thousand, four hundred and fifty biscuits." "Three thousand, four hundred and fifty biscuits." "Me?" "That's ridiculous!" "I buy these up from the various bookies you are in hock to and they are glad to settle with Jumbo for 20 cents on the dollar, which gives you a rough idea what state your credit's in." "I'll make good every dime, Jumbo." "I just had a run of black luck." "But my luck is changin' today." "I've got that feelin' right in the seat of my pants and when I get that feelin', my luck changes." "Yeah." "Well, kid, your luck has changed already." "See, because all you gotta do to get square with Jumbo is to do Jumbo one little favor, that's all." "Anything you say, Jumbo." "Anything, long as it's legal." "Legal, schmegal, you either do it or you wind up in a concrete kimono sucking mud from the bottom of the Hudson River." "Oh." "What's the favor?" "Well, there is a horse runnin' in the Gold Vase Steeplechase at Tarrytown, Maryland, next week, by the name of Sweep Forward, and I would like that Sweep Forward should win, that's all." "But there's a horse in that race by the name of My Sheba that's the odds on favorite to win the race." "Yeah, yeah, so you're a smart guy, so you figure out that if My Sheba don't run, then Sweep Forward has to breeze home." "That's not my line of work." "Why do you pick on me?" "Because My Sheba is owned by a very pretty doll by the name of Miss Phyllis Leigh, and that is your line of work." "How do you figure that?" "Do you honestly think that a very pretty doll could go for the Seldom Seen Kid, or Short Boy," "or Russian Henry, or The Big Midget?" "They look kind of cute to me." "Well, you ain't no very pretty doll." "You're just a guy in hock." "Well, what can I do to keep the doll's horse out of the race?" "I'm no fixer." "Well, there are two things you can do, Honey Talk." "The, uh, first thing is you can honey talk the girl into scratching the entry." "Oh, have a heart, Jumbo." "Second thing is." "I, uh, hear that you've got a cousin which is a horse doctor." "Virgil?" "I can't get him to fix a horse." "Well, I suggest you use both methods, number one and number two, for, uh, safety's sake." "Safety?" "Yeah, your safety." "Hmm." "Here are your tickets for Maryland." "The Seldom Seen Kid'll give you the details." "And do like you're told because otherwise you will wind up payin' rent in a cemetery." "Okay, Jumbo." "Pack a bag for the Seldom Seen Kid." "Just to play it for a sure thing," "I think I want him in Maryland to keep an eye on Honey Talk and his horse doctor cousin." "Take two." "Blow!" "Come on!" "Hey!" "What's up?" "What's goin' on?" "Motherhood must be served, sir." "Come on, sweetheart." "Come on." "Cross over." "Good doggie." "Come on, hurry up, hurry up!" "That's a good girl." "Oh, for the love of Lil!" "I'm in a hurry and this yokel stops me to let a dog go by!" "I beg your pardon, sir, but that dog happens to be a mother." "Supposing that was your mother crossing the street with you in her mouth." "You calling my mother a dog?" "Of course not." "But would you feel better if that dog were a cat?" "Here we are, Do-Do." "Your home sweet home." "I'll be right back, fellows." "Now, you sit nice and quiet." "Here's your Do-Do." "Thank you." "Oh!" "Do-Do, you've come home!" "Oh, bring my darling to me." "Oh, come to Mama." "Her little bitsy pupsy dog." "Is he home from that nasty old hospital?" "Madam, I'll have you know that Dr. Capulet does not have a nasty old hospital." "As a matter of fact, it's so clean you can eat right off the floor." "Oh, I'm quite sure." "I personally like a table in the waiting room." "Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor." "Oh, that's all right." "Oh, I'm not the doctor." "I'm Virgil Yokum." "I'm the intern." "But one day I'm gonna be a doctor, you mark me." "You're quite sure he's all right now?" "Oh, yes, don't you worry, Mrs. Cheshire." "Do-Do's tail will wag again." "Oh, thank you, thank you so much." "Do come in while I write you a check, Doctor." "I'm not the doctor." "Did you hear something?" "What?" "Strange." "I thought I heard..." "Oh, well." "Never mind." "There it goes again." "Bells." "That's what it sounds like, tiny bells." "Oh, that's me." "I'm wearin' them." "You see, I like animals so much," "I wouldn't wanna hurt any of them." "We're all God's creatures, even the ants." "So that's why I wear the bells at the bottom of my trousers." "So they can hear me comin', they can get out of the way so I won't step on 'em." "What a charming notion." "Here, hold Do-Do for me." "I'll write you a check." "Maybe someday everybody'll wear bells at the bottom of their pants." "Hey, real bell-bottom pants." "No, I'm serious." "Oh, not everybody, Doctor." "Not women, too." "Yes." "Of course, they'll have to wear larger bells because their pants are so high from the ground." "Me and my big mouth." "I'd get rid of it, except it's such a handy place to keep my teeth." "Bye." "Oh!" "Oh, Doctor, come back with my dog!" "Come back with my dog." "Doctor!" "Doctor!" "My Do-Do!" "See the way he likes the hospital." "Oh, he liked it so much at the hospital, he wanted to go back with me." "Doctor, your check!" "Thank you." "Oh!" "Oh, uh, Madame!" "Yes?" "Before I go, I'd like you to have a free sample of our new dog food." "Dr. Capulet highly recommends this." "It's called "Ruff!"" "And it's the only pet food dogs can ask for by name." "Now it comes in five delicious flavors, meat, liver, cheese, fish and strained custard for the older dogs." "Keep a few cans on your shelf." "It's good to have in case unexpected dogs drop in." "Bye." "How is it, Doc?" "Everything's fine." "No bones broken as you can see." "Are you sure?" "I'm quite sure, quite sure." "All he needs now is fresh air, rest, and plenty of leafy green vegetables." "You'll be all right, Virgil." "Don't worry." "Now, if you need anything, just bark..." "Call." "Well, you'll excuse me?" "I have another dog waiting." "Okay." "You can get into more hot water than a Scotchman's tea bag." "Why do you always have to fall on your head?" "It's my head." "I'm entitled." "Virgil, you're my cousin, you're all I have in this world." "You got Catherine." "Catherine's sweet and I love her, and I love you for givin' her to me." "But I'd much rather have you than any white mouse." "Honest?" "You're not just sayin' that because you wanna borrow more money?" "Virgil, how can you even think of such a thing?" "It's easy." "All I have to do is remember." "Forget the past, Virge." "You know what I'm gonna do for you?" "What?" "I personally am gonna take you to a nice quiet spot for a vacation." "For instance where, for instance?" "Well, there's a little town in Maryland where you can get plenty of fresh air, leafy vegetables and rest." "Maryland?" "Gee, I never been there." "It must be beautiful." "And it's got a girl's name, like Virginialand." "That's right." "It works every time." "Oh, cut it out." "Now come on, let's go pack our bags." "We're leaving from Penn Station." "I got the tickets." "Already?" "How did you manage that?" "Did a long shot come in?" "One of the longest shots I've ever been on, kid." "Wait a minute." "You sure you're well enough to travel?" "Oh, I'm fine." "Feel my nose." "Yep, cold and wet." "Come on, let's go pack our duds." "Wait a minute, Cousin." "If I'm gonna take a trip," "I'm gonna have to say goodbye to all my friends." "So you go ahead and I'll meet you at the station." "All right, but hurry it up, kid, 'cause if we miss this train, you'll be saying goodbye to me." "You know I don't wanna go." "And I'm gonna miss you." "I hope you're gonna miss me, too." "Before I go, I want you to listen to every word I have to say." "¶ Now, there was a little doggie ¶" "¶ And his name was Pete ¶" "¶ He was always chasing autos up and down the street ¶" "¶ He got his tail caught in the back of a wagon ¶" "¶ Now his tail ain't wagging ¶" "¶ It's dragging ¶" "¶ I want you to meet poor Pete ¶" "¶ I hate to have to mention ¶" "¶ He didn't pay attention ¶" "¶ Now there was a little monkey ¶" "¶ And her name was Dot ¶" "¶ She liked to play with matches when she should have not ¶" "¶ She burned her little tootsies and now she can't jump ¶" "¶ This chimp was a chump ¶" "¶ And if you think not, meet Dot ¶" "¶ I hate to have to mention ¶" "¶ She didn't pay attention ¶" "¶ There was a dog named Nellie ¶" "¶ She was quite a bodyguard ¶" "¶ Her master said, "Now, Nellie, stay in your own backyard ¶" "¶ "Protect my home and family ¶" "¶ "And never, never roam" ¶" "¶ But Nellie just forgot one day ¶" "¶ And strayed away from home ¶" "¶ She didn't listen very well ¶" "¶ Here's Nell ¶" "¶ I hate to have to mention ¶" "¶ She didn't pay attention ¶" "¶ Whether you're a dog or a bird ¶" "¶ You had better heed every word ¶" "¶ And with danger don't ever flirt ¶" "¶ I don't want no one should get hurt ¶" "¶ So be good and careful from day to day ¶" "¶ Don't make a boo-boo ¶" "¶ Be careful ¶" "¶ While I'm away ¶" "Attention, please." "Are you going to Maryland only for the Gold Vase Steeplechase, Your Highness?" "Is it true you're gonna buy the horse that wins?" "Hey, Poojah, do you take all your wives with you everywhere you travel?" "Buffalo." "Cleveland." "Indianapolis." "St. Louis." "Gate number 12, leaving in 5 minutes." "What's the Shriner's Convention in town?" "No, that's the Poojah of Bahloop and some of his wives." "Some of them?" "How does he ever take a shower with all those stockings hanging in the bathroom?" "Attention, please!" "Hey!" "What's this?" "I told you no pets on this trip." "What's a vacation without your friends?" "I've got to have someone to talk to." "Besides, they're only ants." "And here's my favorite." "His name's Leon." "Leon is the uncle of that one." "And that's the only uncle in town who's an ant." "You don't think that's amusing?" "Come here, Virgil." "Get the bags." "You don't think it's amusing?" "No." "Come on." "What's goin' on?" "You got any money?" "I got to get the tickets." "You said you had the tickets." "I did have, Virge." "But there was a horse at Jamaica and I got the feeling in the seat of my pants, and so I converted the tickets into cash." "And Virge, this may come as a shock to you, but I can't trust my pants anymore." "What are you doin'?" "It's been a very, very nice trip, Honey Talk." "Thanks very much." "Here, you can't run out on me, now." "Haven't you got any dough left?" "No!" "Now can I run out on you?" "Well, if you do, it'll be curtains for me." "Curtains." "I'll get us to Maryland yet." "Come on." "What do you mean curtains for you, Honey Talk?" "Something smells awful fishy around here and you're acting like a barracuda." "Give me the bags." "What are you doin'?" "What are you gonna do?" "What are you doin' that for?" "Get out of the way." "Come." "Special train, Number 15." "I don't wanna do this, Honey Talk!" "Excuse me, lady." "I'm no lady!" "Sorry, sir, but passengers aren't allowed in that car." "It's reserved for the Poojah of Bahloop and his entourage." "Honey Talk!" "Honey Talk!" "What's the matter with you?" "Honey Talk, you've gotta get me out of here!" "There's lady girls in here undressed!" "Inside!" "His Exalted Worthiness desires a wife." "Enter." "How spirited!" "You're the one I choose." "The rest go." "Go!" "Go!" "Your shyness is charming." "But before you reveal yourself to me, you must dance again." "And by the degree of your grace, let me surmise your identity." "Faster!" "Faster!" "Faster!" "Faster!" "That's enough, my spirited one!" "Now, my fragrant flower, come to me." "Come." "Then I come to you." "Come, come, come, come." "Come here, little one." "Come here." "Yes, I'm going to catch you." "So exciting!" "You will be among my favorites." "¶ Love is the same all over the world ¶" "¶ No one lives without it ¶" "¶ No matter where you are ¶" "¶ In Singapore or Zanzibar, a kiss is a kiss ¶" "¶ Papa needs a Mama ¶" "¶ For love is in the air everywhere ¶" "¶ In the strangest places ¶" "¶ where they cover up their faces ¶" "¶ Love still finds a way ¶" "¶ Why, there's even someone making with the wooing ¶" "¶ In the ruins of Pompeii ¶" "¶ Love is the same ¶" "¶ It doesn't matter, sister, how you say it ¶" "¶ It's the same all over the world ¶" "Stop!" "Stop!" "His Worthiness desires another wife!" "Come quickly!" "All of you!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "Quick!" "Now, get in here." "Why, you idiot!" "What were you doin' out there?" "What was I supposed to do?" "I wasn't even married to him." "Get in here." "You're gonna get us into trouble, foolin' around with the mail like that!" "I'm gonna get us into trouble?" "We are in trouble!" "Bye." "What are you doin'?" "I'm taking inventory." "I have a feeling something's missing." "And I know I sacroed my lilac." "Now, come on, we got a long way to get to Tarrytown." "No, I'm gonna sit down." "I'm tired and hot and hungry and homesick and thirsty." "And I'm very, very upset with you, Honey Talk Nelson." "Put your veil on!" "Here comes a car." "Come on, our worries are practically over." "Yeah?" "Wait till he finds out I'm a boy." "Thank you for stoppin'." "Well, that's quite all right." "And how are you, my dear?" "Oh, I'm fine, thank" "I'm a boy!" "How very odd." "Well, if you'll excuse me." "You talk like a foreigner." "Are you a foreigner?" "Only in this country." "Oh." "Haven't I seen your picture somewhere?" "Oh, quite possibly." "I am Bertie Searles." "Sure." "Bertie Searles!" "You're the famous steeplechase jockey from England." "Oh." "Well, I am a leading gentleman rider, if that's what you mean, sir." "I am on my way to Tarrytown to ride My Sheba in the Gold Vase Steeplechase." "My Sheba." "That's right." "You came all the way from England across the water?" "That is the only way one can get here." "Oh, yes..." "Oh, hush, Virge." "Would you give us a lift in to Tarrytown?" "Why, certainly, old boy, if you know where it is." "I've been lost for days." "Well, step right in the back, Mr. Searles." "Oh, that's very nice of you." "We'll get you to Tarrytown all refreshed and in time for the big race." "Thank you." "Tell me, is this the way people dress here in America?" "Oh, no, this was the only way we could get on the train." "Virge!" "Well, you see we were at a masquerade ball and we've been out all night and somebody stole our bicycles, so we're thumbing' our way into Tarrytown." "Oh, very jolly, indeed." "Yeah, that's how it happened." "Actually, we had the bikes right outside the place..." "Oh, magnificent countryside." "I say, a bit of luck bumping into you chaps, eh?" "Cheerio." "By the way, Mr. Searles, do you have any extra threads that we could borrow till we get to the hotel?" "Threads?" "You know, clothes." "Dear old boy, this bag is absolutely chock-a-block." "Help yourself." "There you are, something for everyone." "Oh, thank you." "This is fine for you, Honey Talk." "Look!" "My school colors!" "¶ Come landlord fill the flowing bowl until it doth run over ¶" "¶ For tonight we'll merry, merry be ¶" "¶ Tomorrow we'll be sober ¶" "Well, not a bad-looking hotel for a one horse town." "And there's the one horse." "Gee, she's a pretty one." "Oh, forget the horse and help me with Bertie and the bags." "I'll be right back." "Hey!" "Oh, Admiral, you mind helping me with my friend?" "He's a little under the weather." "Is he carsick?" "Yeah, he's been drinking gasoline." "Now just grab his legs." "That's it." "Here, I'll put him in your arms." "Watch it." "Now, take it easy with him, Commodore." "That's the famous Bertie Searles." "Take him straight up to his room." "I beg your pardon, but..." "Well!" "Did I understand you to say..." "Shh." "Don't say a word." "Not a sound." "No one ever heard the Mona Lisa speak." "Venus de Milo doesn't talk." "And you're a work of art." "So just stand there and let the patron of the arts patronize you." "Now, look," "I heard you tell the doorman that was Bertie Searles." "I was just going to check on his arrival." "Who are you?" "Who am I?" "I'm Romeo and you're Juliet." "Climb down, Romeo!" "Wrong balcony!" "I'm the owner of My Sheba." "Mr. Searles is in my employ." "You're Phyllis Leigh?" "Yes." "Well, I'm sorry." "I beg your pardon." "I'm..." "I'm H.T. Nelson, Bertie's American agent." "I'm very glad to know you, Miss Leigh." "I didn't know he had an agent here." "Oh, yes." "We dealt with each other direct, on the transatlantic phone." "Well, that's because I was out of town," "Jamaica, the island, not the race track." "But don't you worry about Bertie." "He'll be all right." "Little carsick." "Oh, that's too bad." "But that's enough about us, let's talk about you." "Shall we say over a chocolate sundae?" "No?" "No." "No, thanks." "I have to get back to the house." "Well, let me drive you there." "Oh, I have my car right here." "Well, I'll take you to it." "Now, you leave everything to me." "Soon as we check in the hotel, I'll get Bertie sober..." "Back on his feet, then we'll get together and have a nice talk and straighten everything out." "Suppose I call you in an hour?" "I'll be waiting." "Bye, Mr. Nelson." "Auf Wiedersehen, Miss Leigh." "Now, Virge, this Leigh doll doesn't know what Bertie Searles looks like." "And it's just as well, because he's in no condition to meet a doll who's pinning her hopes on him winning $50,000..." "Virge, what are you doin'?" "Feedin' the moths." "You're feedin' what?" "I'm feedin' the moths." "Nobody ever feeds moths." "In a private home there's always something in the closet for them to munch on." "But in a hotel room, they can't even grab a snack." "Now, that's enough for you." "You'll get fat." "Sit down." "Play with the caterpillar you found and listen to me." "Oh, yeah." "Bertie's our pal, he's our benefactor." "We gotta help him out." "If Miss Leigh sees him in that condition, she'll fire him." "Now, wouldn't that be terrible?" "Awful." "Oh, there he is." "You're not payin' attention." "Oh, yes I am, but I have to give my caterpillar some grass." "Oh!" "Hey, Honey Talk, look, my caterpillar!" "He graduated to a butterfly!" "Virge, you're not listenin' to what I'm tellin' you." "I'm listenin'." "You don't want Miss Leigh to fire Bertie." "I heard." "Fly on, oh, fragile-winged thing." "Fly up and out, into the gentle zephyrs of springtime." "I just made that up." "Isn't that poetic?" "It brings tears to my eyes." "Will you sit down before I knock you down?" "You wouldn't dare." "I wouldn't?" "You wouldn't dare hit me." "Because you love me too much." "I do?" "Go on, say it." "You wouldn't dare hit me because you love me too much." "All right, I love you too much." "To what?" "I love you too much to hit you." "See, I knew it." "So sit down before I knock you down." "Virge, there's only one way to save Bertie's job for him." "When Miss Leigh gets here, somebody else has got to be Bertie Searles." "And I suppose you expect me to pretend I'm him." "Well, ho-ho and ha." "That's a jolly notion." "You know, I wasn't thinking about you, but since you mentioned it..." "I mentioned it?" "I would like you to know you're putting words into my mouth and I don't like it!" "Keep your hands out of there!" "It's very unsanitary." "What are you talkin' about?" "You're a fine actor." "I am?" "You can do anything." "I could?" "Sure." "Remember last summer, Far Rockaway?" "Yeah." "The Little Theater Club?" "Uh-huh?" "You were great!" "I was good." "Sensational!" "Terrific!" "What did they call you along the beach that summer?" "I remember." "The John Barrymore of the clam diggers." "That's right." "You were superb!" "Yeah, I was." "I did Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet." "You played Romeo." "No, Juliet." "I had much longer hair then." "Remember?" "Oh." ""Romeo, O, Romeo!"" "No, like Bertie would do it, with a British accent." "By Jove, you're right." "Good, good." "Splendid." ""Romeo, O, Romeo!" ""Wherefore art thou O, Romeo?" ""Deny thy father and refuse thy name."" "Terrible storm!" "I must notify the Captain." "Captain." "Captain!" ""Or, if thou wilt not, be but my sworn love," ""And I'll no longer be a Capulet."" "Wait there's more." ""'Tis but thy name that is my enemy." ""Thou art thy..."" "Bertie, don't you think that's enough?" "You may be boring Miss Leigh." "Oh, not at all." "You're charming." ""O Romeo, Romeo!" "Wherefore art thou O, Romeo?"" "Bertie!" "Romeo." "I..." "I..." "I say, y-you'll have to forgive me, Miss Leigh, but I get so carried away when I do Shakespeare, you know?" "Why, that was beautiful, Mr. Searles." "Oh, I say, you're quite nice." "Thank you." "I hope you get along with My Sheba as well as you do with Shakespeare." "Oh, better!" "Bertie's the greatest rider to ever straddle a horse." "Oh, I say, my good man, I never saddle me horses." "I have a stable boy do that." "That's straddle, not saddle." "There's an "r" in it." "Oh, I say, by Jove you're right, sir." "An "r" in it, then we should have tea and oysters." "That's a pun, you know." "Oysters, "r" in season, "t."" "You're not laughing, Miss Leigh." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I was thinking about..." "You were thinking?" "Oh, you colony folks, still thinking about the tea tariff, I suppose." "Which reminds me, I say the lady's run out, Nelson." "Let's be a little more hosty here." "What do you say?" "Oh, I'm awfully sorry." "Please forgive me." "I'll never travel on this line again." "Those kids are dancin' up there again." "Oh, I say, be quiet up there!" "They're very noisy neighbors." "Sweet?" "Well, yes." "Don't tickle." "Oh, Bertie!" "Oh, I'm awfully sorry." "So accustomed to feeding horses, don't you know?" "Mr. Searles, I hope you realize the importance of Saturday's race to me." "Naturally." "Marshall Preston's our only real competition." "That's why I simply had to get the best for My Sheba." "You know my life depends on this race, Mr. Nelson." "Mine, too, Miss Leigh." "W-Well, keep a stiff upper lip, both of you, chins high and all that sort of rot." "When Bertie Searles plays the game, he plays it to win." "Well, I must be off." "I've got to dash off a few notes to my pater." "Your what?" "That's mother, you know." "Oh, be at it, be at it." "Toodle-loo." "Very close family ties." "Isn't he rather..." "Well, yes." "Unusual?" "Well, aren't we all?" "What I mean is..." "Well, you're unusual." "You're not, Mr. Nelson." "Oh, wait till you get to know me better." "Every now and then I get a feeling right in the..." "Right here." "We really should be going, Mr. Nelson." "We?" "Well, Mr. Searles and I, to get him acquainted with My Sheba." "Will you call him, please?" "Oh, there's time for that later." "I'd much rather wait till he settles down." "Oh, I hope he'll be settled in time for the ball tonight." "Ball?" "At the Hunt Club, in the Poojah's honor." "Does Mr. Searles know about the Poojah?" "Oh, he knows all about the Poojah." "He's expected to be there." "Well, we'll both be there." "Good." "But don't you bother looking for me 'cause I'll be the friendly fellow you'll be dancing with." "Oh, well, that should be a very interesting dance combination, you, me and Marsh Preston." "Bye." "Bye." "¶" "You'd be much better off taking My Sheba out of the race." "Let me win, then marry me and half the money is yours." "No, thanks, Marsh, I prefer winning all of it for myself." "Even if it means losing me?" "Particularly." "Again?" "Again." "Can't you find someone else to dance with?" "Is that a suggestion or a proposition?" "Go chat with Bertie, Mr. Preston." "Pick up a few pointers on ridin'." "Frightfully nice club you have here, frightfully." "I say, but it is a bit dusty, what?" "Dusty?" "Heavens, it can't be dusty!" "It can't?" "I say." "Oh, for heaven's sakes, it's me monocle." "How stupid of me." "Boy." "That is better." "How about some punch, Bertie?" "Oh, I don't mind if I do, sir." "As a matter of fact, it makes me feel quite nice." "I haven't felt this good since I left London Town." "Oh, I say, how is dear old London Town?" "I don't know..." "Oh, I beg your pardon, sir." "I said, how is dear old London Town?" "Oh, it's..." "Oh, yes, of course." "You know when I was in England..." "November 21st." "Well, it was awfully nice chatting with you, sir." "Toodle-loo." "Oh, toodle-loo." "I say, it was nice having a chat with a fellow from home again, you know." "Yeah." "He is an extraordinary chap, isn't he?" "Couldn't understand a word he said." "Quite so." "Ain't he quaint?" "Oh, really, Searles, if you'll pardon the correction to your grammar, one doesn't say "ain't." It's "isn't."" "Oh?" "Isn't he quisn't?" "Really!" "What about My Sheba, Mr. Preston?" "I have heard that she is a fine and spirited animal." "Yes, Miss Leigh's horse is a threat, Your Worthiness, but I believe I'll win on Sweep Forward." "Who is riding the Lady's entry?" "Some Englishman she imported, uh..." "Oh, there he is now." "With Your Worthiness' permission." "Oh, Mr. Searles!" "Mr. Searles!" "Oh, hello there, my good man!" "What was your name again, sir?" "Preston, Marshall Preston." "Oh, charmed, I'm sure." "Oh, I say, you're one of me rivals in the run on Saturday, eh?" "That's right." "They tell me when you ride, you ride as if you were a part of the horse." "Would that be a compliment, sir?" "Your Exalted Worthiness, may I present Bertie Searles." "Awfully nice to make your acquaintance, Mr. Poojah." "You seem oddly familiar to me, Mr. Searles." "You were very familiar..." "You look quite familiar to me, too, sir." "Your Worthiness, this is one reason" "I believe I'll win on Saturday." "Oh, you're quite sure you're going to win, eh?" "Yes." "You're positive?" "There is no doubt." "I must remember to put a bet on you then." "You make me feel as much at home on a dance floor as on a horse." "You ought to spend less time with the horses and more time with me." "But you can't win $50,000 for me." "You sure about that?" "Beg pardon, Nelson, old chap!" "Oh, Mr. Searles, then you do dance?" "Oh, but definitely." "What's wrong with you?" "Honey Talk, I can't go on with this Bertie business all night." "Well, you gotta." "If you get tired, go hide someplace." "Where?" "Go upstairs, look for your valise." "Oh, that's an idea!" "Upstairs." "I'll go get my ant colony." "Toodle-loo." "Have you been watchin' that Searles?" "He's insane." "Oh, he's just uninhibited." "Are you sure you still want him to ride My Sheba?" "Please, don't start that again." "Don't start what?" "Don't I get one dance tonight?" "Mr. Nelson's a guest." "Preston, every dog has his day, but the nights are mine." "What didn't you want him to start again?" "It's nothing." "It's just that he..." "Well, let's say he doesn't dance like you do, Mr. Nelson." "Oh." "¶ Here is my casual smile ¶" "¶ Playing its part ¶" "¶ Keeping the two of us good friends ¶" "¶ Here is my cigarette smoke ¶" "¶ Hiding my heart ¶" "¶ But here's where the masquerade ends ¶" "¶ Moments like this ¶" "¶ Make me thrill through and through ¶" "¶ Careless moments like this ¶" "¶ Close to you ¶" "¶ Nonchalantly we dine ¶" "¶ And we dance ¶" "¶ Yet my heart seems to melt ¶" "¶ In your glance ¶" "¶ Sweet moments like this ¶" "¶ With the soft lights aglow ¶" "¶ Make me long for your kiss ¶" "¶ Though I know ¶" "¶ I'd be just one of all ¶" "¶ Your affairs ¶" "¶ But at moments like this ¶" "¶ Who cares ¶" "There you are!" "Leon!" "I'm here, Leon." "There you are, you little rascal." "Come on, let's go." "Nelson!" "Where are you, Nelson?" "I will not be manhandled by menials!" "I demand to see the British Consul!" "Where is the British Consul?" "Nelson!" "What's this all about?" "I am Bertie Searles, dear old boy, and I demand to see my cohort." "Nelson!" "You're Bertie Searles?" "Never mind Bertie Searles." "I want..." "Oh, Nelson!" "This man's an impostor!" "Come on." "Who is this alcoholic?" "Oh, he's just a drunk." "I'll..." "I'll get rid of him." "There you are, you little bugger." "Oh, I say, Nelson, all's well." "I found me ants." "Oh, there's my other little friend." "Bertie!" "Bertie, come back here!" "This man claims to be you." "Now you tell these people he's an impostor." "By Jove, Nelson, you're right." "He's not me." "That's what I said." "How can he be you if you're you?" "Splendid deduction, Nelson." "I'm me and he's he." "It's as plain as the nose on me head." "See." "Now, you people go ahead and dance, and we'll get rid of this drunken nuisance." "I'll help you, Nelson." "Right this way." "You're very helpful." "I just want a small whiskey." "We'll get you a drink, stranger." "Will you help me?" "I want my whiskey!" "All right, we'll get you a drink just..." "But I want it immediately!" "Oh, my ants!" "Let's get him outside." "¶ Come landlord fill the flowing bowl ¶" "¶ Until it... ¶" "Virge, go grab a hack, get him into town, and don't let him out of your sight!" "Okay." "¶ Doth run over, Oh, Landlord ¶" "¶" "Nelson!" "Who was that man?" "What did he want and what was he doing here?" "Sorry, I can't answer your question, teacher, but I didn't do my homework." "I want to talk to you, Nelson." "I just talked to you." "Now, get your meat hook off my arm." "And get your eyes off me, too." "You're burning my shoulder pads." "You don't belong in Maryland, Nelson." "You or your friends." "You and Mr. Preston seem to be getting on like two strange cats." "He's the strangest cat I ever met." "Oh, you naughty boys, you!" "Shame on..." "Shame on you." "Come back." "Come back here." "Come on." "Ants." "Leon!" "Don't hurt him!" "Don't hurt..." "Wait, I'll get it." "I'll get it." "That's not Leon!" "I say, Arthur, have you seen Leon?" "Leon!" "Leon, see what I go through for you." "Now, where are your brothers and sisters?" "Strangest dance I ever saw." "Oh!" "Get it off me!" "I've got a little bug biting me!" "Here!" "Fellows, it's me, Virgil." "Fellas, fellas." "Oh, no." "No, no." "Fellas, fellas." "It's Virgil!" "That's a new beat on me, but let's pick it up." "Oh, fellas!" "Virg..." "It's Virgil!" "Oh." "Well, now we've got the chaser, old man, how about the whiskey?" "Oh, go away." "Are you always a vegetarian, Mr. Searles, or only when you're in training for a race?" "Oh, he's always a vegetarian." "Never eats meats of any kind." "Ever since the day in Africa, he was run down by a water buffalo." "Horrible experience." "Oh, yes, disgusting encounter." "Is that all you eat, Mr. Searles?" "Oh, no." "For lunch, I usually take a glass of persimmon juice, some bay leaves and sour cream and a bowl of bloated oaties." "Oh, that's an English cereal." "Right-o." "It's the luncheon of champions, you know." "As you Americans say, when you douse the little blighters with cream, the cereal snap, crackles and pops." "With us it just lies there and groans." "More coffee, Miss Leigh?" "No, thanks." "I think we really should get started." "My Sheba is waiting for Mr. Searles." "Oh, I say, why don't you two just dash ahead and tell her I'll be a little late?" "I'm still terribly hungry." "Look, when we get to the barn, if you're still hungry, you can munch on some alfalfa." "Oh, I say, that's a splendid idea." "I haven't had any alfalfa since I brunched with the Duchess of Muchess." "Look at that poor little dog!" "Oh!" "Get the number of that car!" "There are no more cars, Bertie." "Oh, by Jove, you're right, sir." "So sorry." "Oh, you were wonderful, Mr. Searles." "Thank you, but I think the poor dear is hurt." "Is there a veterinarian about?" "Well, there's Dr. Claypool down the street." "Splendid." "But what about My Sheba?" "Oh, I'm certain My Sheba is an intelligent animal, but I know a veterinarian will do a much better job." "Come on, Mr. Nelson." "Goodbye." "See you next week." "Bye." "Mmm-hmm." "Good morning." "What can I do for you?" "Oh, I think the poor little blighter has busted her blooming scapula." "What?" "I say, I think..." "Oh, excuse me." "For a minute I thought I was someone else." "This way please." "Put her down there." "Thank you." "I gave her a cursory examination, and from the edematous appearance of the anterolateral surface of the thoracic region," "I suspect a greenstick fracture to scapula." "Well, possibly, but not likely inasmuch as greenstick occurs in young animals and this dog is more mature." "Nurse, don't you think it would be wise for us to leave the final diagnosis to Dr. Claypool?" "Well, I'm Dr. Claypool." "Oh, this poor thing's in pain." "Keep her still while I prepare a sedative." "A girl veterinarian." "Isn't that very unusual?" "What's so unusual?" "Women can do anything men can do and have babies besides." "Uh, hold the leg still, would you, please?" "This is an anesthetic that'll allow me to work without pain to the patient." "Doctor, my name is Virgil Yokum and I come from Brooklyn, and I'm in love with you." "Oh, don't misunderstand." "I'm in love with Dr. Capulet, too." "Well, who is she?" "Oh, she's a he, in Brooklyn." "He's 70 years old." "He's also a veterinarian." "I'm his intern." "Oh, well, that explains the near accuracy of your diagnosis." "The patient has got a fractured scapula, but it's comminuted not greenstick." "I love anybody who devotes his life to taking care of dumb animals." "Or her life, as the case may be." "And, boy, do I have a case." "Oh, I..." "I don't have any help, so you can give me a hand with the splints." "I'd love to." "I like to work with you, Doc, a lot better than Dr. Capulet." "You're a girl." "I could tell that right off from the way your uniform fits." "I wonder what could be keeping Mr. Searles?" "The morning's practically gone." "Oh, there's plenty of time." "The race isn't until Saturday." "Gee, Autumn, I wish you'd let me pay you." "She's not your dog." "Yes, I know, but if you're not gonna accept fees, you're not gonna have enough money to build that new hospital." "Look, you keep that, Virgil, and bet it on My Sheba so you can complete your studies for a D.V.M." "It's a gratifying degree to have." "The least you could do is let me take you to dinner tonight." "Well..." "Please?" "I never took a girl doctor out before." "I never took out a girl before." "You haven't completed any of your studies yet, have you?" "There are some I haven't started yet." "So do me something." "Will you, please, have dinner with me?" "All right." "But I'm a catchpenny date." "No steaks." "I'm a vegetarian." "Autumn, you're kidding!" "The girl of my dreams!" "A vegetarian veterinarian!" "Oh!" "Oh." "Oh, my arm!" "Oh, oh, oh." "Oh, my arm!" "Oh, Gee!" "Oh, my arm." "You don't seem to understand." "The Gold Vase means more than just the $50,000 first money." "The Poojah's going to buy the winning horse." "Oh, that could add up to a lot of loot." "Maybe as high as $100,000." "Hundred thousand biscuits." "Maybe you can't take it with you, but with all that loot you could sure go in style." "By the time I pay off a few..." "Bertie!" "Oh, Mr. Searles, what happened?" "Oh, I had a wee bit of an accident." "Is it broken?" "Oh, no, just sprained." "But I couldn't ride." "Oh, dear!" "What..." "Now, now don't you get upset, Miss Leigh." "I'll take care of his arm." "You drive us to the Cornflower." "Yeah, the Cornflower." "What are we gonna do?" "Now, don't you worry about it, Miss Leigh." "By Saturday, Bertie Searles will be on My Sheba." "Well, that's Saturday." "What about today?" "You and Sheba have to work out." "Oh, tell the old girl to start without me, eh?" "Virge!" "Virgil." "Oh, hi, Honey Talk." "You know that Autumn's the nicest girl I ever met." "Forget Autumn." "Where's Bertie?" "Oh, I put him out on the window sill to get some air." "Outside the window." "Are you crazy?" "He's 3 stories off the ground!" "That's all right." "In his condition he couldn't get hurt." "Come on, get him in." "Thought you sprained your arm." "Good trick, huh?" "Now I don't gotta ride the horse." "Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" "No." "So do me something." "You deceived me." "You resorted to subterfuge." "You're not trustworthy!" "I'm not trustworthy?" "Look who's talkin'." "I'm not trustworthy?" "And just who was the man who conceived the idea of introducing this poor innocent child as the Honorable Bertie Searles?" "Happy to meet you." "We met." "And it certainly wasn't my idea to pretend to be him." "Look, I'm gonna level with you, kid." "I'm on a spot." "I brought you down here so you could help me fix My Sheba so she won't run." "She won't run!" "Now, wait, hear me out." "Jumbo Schneider..." "Jumbo Schneider!" "Will you wait a minute?" "I'm in hock to him and he wants Preston's horse to win." "My own cousin involved with gangsters!" "Wait a minute..." "I just can't believe it." "Will you..." "I'm nonplussed." "My plus has never been so nonned." "It's just one of those..." "I don't even wanna talk to you, Honey Talk." "You and I are through." "And furthermore, I'm gonna see Miss Leigh, see, and I'm gonna tell her all about it!" "Will you wait a minute?" "You're not goin' anywhere." "Jumbo Schneider plays a rough game." "But I'm worried about my hide." "You're always worried about you!" "Well, nobody else worries about me!" "Maybe they would, if you wouldn't worry about yourself so much!" "Don't tell me how to run my life." "Yeah?" "Well, I'm gettin' sick of it, do you understand?" "Sick, sick, sick!" "And I'm gonna tell Miss Leigh and everybody!" "You're not tellin' nobody nothin'!" "And you better behave sensibly, too." "Get out of here before I clobber you." "Virge?" "Virge?" "Well, to succeed you have to fight sometimes, Virgil." "Oh, you're right." "Do you know that once in school there was a bully, see?" "He didn't like me and I didn't like him." "So, you know what I did?" "One time I dared him to knock a chip off my shoulder and, five minutes later, the chip was still there." "Well, you see?" "But my shoulder was gone." "Virgil." "Gee, Autumn, I'm glad you made this catchpenny date with me." "What's this?" "My new hospital site." "Come on!" "Well, what do you think?" "Is this all yours?" "Uh-huh, the plans have already been drawn, too." "This'll be the entrance." "Well, come on." "This'll be the reception area." "The carpets are dirty." "Virgil." "And the office, and the... the operating room and examining room." "Why don't you step into my office?" "Sit down." "Virgil, you're... you're on the end table." "Oh, I'm sorry." "You can sit on the desk until the chairs come." "Yeah." "Oh, as I said before, I..." "I don't expect to run the clinic alone." "I..." "I'll need a partner." "I..." "I'll want one." "When will you be wanting one?" "As soon as I'm ready to build." "When will you be ready?" "Oh, I'm getting a bank loan of $10,000 and My Sheba'll win the rest for me." "My Sheba?" "I bet everything on her." "Oh, Autumn, don't bet on My Sheba." "I already have." "After all you've told me, in a sense, I'm betting on you." "Me?" "I'd bet on anybody who'd do what you did for that poor little dog this morning." "You really mean that?" "I may be an animal doctor, Virgil, but I know something about people, too." "Right now, Doc, I feel more like an animal." "Oh, that was wonderful." "And you're so virile!" "No, I'm Virgil." "It kind of frightened me, too." "Oh, I..." "I..." "I liked it." "Really, I did." "Me, too." "That's what frightened me." "Well, do you... you think you'd like to be my partner?" "Well, yes!" "Honey Talk or no Honey Talk," "I'm gonna go get Bertie Searles and have him meet My Sheba right now." "And she's gonna win for us!" "For us." "Autumn Claypool and Virgil Yokum, the Mayo brothers of the animal world." "Oh, Virgil!" "Come on, let's go!" "Yes!" "I'll bet Honey Talk isn't havin' as good a time tonight as I am." "Wouldn't life be wonderful if we had no cares?" "You mean you have troubles?" "Believe it or not, but all this land where the club is used to be part of our estate." "There were thousands of acres out there." "But I guess we Leighs aren't very good business people, 'cause every generation seemed to have lost something." "I'm the last of the Leighs." "My 50 acres over there is the last of our estate." "As long as you go with it, it's still worth a king's ransom." "The house, the barn, My Sheba, that's about all there is." "If we don't win that race Saturday, there won't be that." "You mean the old homestead's got a plaster on it?" "Plaster?" "The place is mortgaged." "Not quite that melodramatic." "But I am in debt up to here." "When I was a kid, I remember a story about Rumpelstiltskin." "He spun straw into gold." "I got a feelin' old Rumpy's still around." "There's nothing subtle about you, is there, Mr. Nelson?" "Oh, subtlety's for citizens with lots of time." "What's your hurry?" "Never mind that." "Just ask me if I'm happy." "Why?" "Nobody ever asked me before." "Are you happy?" "You really want to know?" "Well, yes." "I'm miserable." "All my life I've been on a trot, searching for a shortcut to happiness." "And just when I figure I'm in a winner's circle," "I'm fingered by fate." "Well, haven't you heard?" "There's no such thing as happiness." "We just have to be happy without it." "Don't you hit me, Herman "Honey Talk" Nelson!" "I'm not gonna hit you." "You're not?" "No, I wanna apologize for losing my temper before." "You do?" "And I want to make it up to you." "So go ahead and hit me right square on the jaw." "Oh, I couldn't do that, you're my favorite cousin." "Slam one in there." "I deserve it." "Hit me!" "You want me to?" "Yeah." "Oh, I couldn't do that, I'd hurt my hand." "Okay." "Will you shake?" "Sure." "Shake." "No, not that way." "Oh, well, I got something to do." "No, I wanna talk to you." "No, I'll only be a minute." "I just want to talk to you..." "Some other time." "Will you listen to me just a second?" "Now, something's happened to me." "Something awful and beautiful!" "What?" "A doll has busted up the romance I've been having with myself." "Miss Leigh?" "There must be something in the air down here." "Yeah, and it all started with what you said, I guess." "About thinkin' of other people for a change." "And I've been thinkin' about Phyllis and she's got to win that race Saturday." "Do you really mean that, Honey Talk?" "I'm as level as a cop's arch." "And I'm for getting Bertie out to meet My Sheba right now." "I..." "I knew you'd do the handsome thing, Honey Talk." "After all, we're cousins." "My mother and your mother were mothers." "Well, of course they were." "Well, that means we both have Fendelshissle blood in our veins." "And we gotta keep it there." "Come on, we'll get Bertie." "Get him." "Come on now, into the shower." "Into the shower." "We're goin' horseback riding." "W-Why?" "I got him." "I got him, Honey Talk." "Horses in the shower?" "That's very odd." "Ok." "All right." "I got him." "It's..." "It's..." "It's the middle of the night, old chap." "Racing's the sport of kings, not owls." "It's the horse's fault." "She can't sleep before a big race." "And she wants to meet you." "Leigh estate, driver." "Hey, wake up!" "Get me to the Leigh estate." "Quick!" "Aren't you going overboard rather quickly for a man you hardly know?" "One kiss in the moonlight hardly means a romance." "And besides, what right do you have to follow me?" "It was purely accidental that I saw you, but it was lucky for you that I did." "I did some checking up on your Mr. Nelson." "The man is no good." "He's a racetrack gambler." "And your gentleman rider is neither a rider nor a gentleman." "You're lying and I don't want to hear any more." "You can find your own way out." "I'm going to bed." "Why?" "You won't go to sleep." "Now, let's have a sensible talk and I'll show you how to be a Leigh and a smart businesswoman beside." "So that's My Sheba." "Well, well, old girl, we meet at last." "Say, old boy, she's a bit antisocial, isn't she?" "If you ask me, I'd say she's downright mean." "Here, horsie." "Nice horsie." "Pretty horsie." "She looks like an old civics teacher I once had." "Is that so?" "She's very sociable." "Come on in and get acquainted." "Yes, of course." "Oh, my." "I say, she's about as sociable as Attila the Hun." "That's not very nice, you naughty girl." "Well, maybe Virgil ought to take her out of the stall." "No, no, old man." "If I am going to ride her," "I must show her who is master." "Stand back, please." "See?" "Use the psychological approach." "Don't you hurt her now!" "I won't." "I still think you're foolish to enter My Sheba in the race." "Now, why don't you listen to reason?" "Someone's in the barn!" "Are you hurt?" "I hate to say this, old boy, but I don't think she likes me." "Oh, I wouldn't say that." "Well, I'll go bring her out." "Then you can show her who's master." "Don't hurry, old man." "You should be ashamed of yourself." "You are not conducting yourself like a lady at all." "Now, you behave yourself and simmer down." "Oh, this is a real crazy horse." "Somebody must have been spiking' her oats." "No, she's a nice horse." "Now, the little man's not gonna hurt you." "The little man just wants to ride you." "The little man just wants to break the big horse's neck." "Shh." "She understands." "Mr. Nelson!" "What did I tell you?" "What's he doin' here?" "As inappropriate a question from you, Nelson, as I can imagine." "Who are these people?" "I say, fancy meeting you here, sir." "Oh, you sound like my Uncle George." "Oh, I do?" "Yes." "That chap, the drunk who crashed the ball." "I don't think we've met." "What's going on here, Nelson?" "What are you doing in my barn after midnight?" "Well, I wanted Bertie to meet My Sheba." "Well, you see, Miss..." "I want a direct answer from you, Mr. Searles." "Well, the chaps just wanted me to meet the horse." "Will you answer me?" "Are you or are you not the person you represent yourself as being?" "The truth?" "Of course, the truth." "I'll answer that." "And the answer is no." "He told the truth." "Yes, it's the truth." "I'm a phony, he's a phony." "And I'm confused." "Shut up." "I mean, I was a phony." "Thank you, Mr. Nelson." "At least you're honest about your dishonesty." "Oh, yes, he's honest now, Miss Leigh, on account of you." "Are you quite satisfied, Phyllis?" "Oh, you shut up, too." "I'm leveling with you, Phyllis." "You can win that race." "Sure, because I'm not gonna ride the horse." "I got a confession to make, too." "I'm not Bertie Searles." "He is." "How do you do?" "And he's gonna ride to win." "Not me, old boy." "I am not riding any bucking bronco." "I'm a gentleman rider, and I only ride gentleman horses." "Is that quite clear?" "Oh, never mind him." "He'll ride, honey." "He's got to." "Because I'm in love with you, Phyllis." "Phyllis!" "If you love the lady so much, Nelson, why don't you ride her horse?" "I'll take care of you later." "He can hurt you." "But I'm betting on you." "I hear you, Honey Talk, and I don't enjoy the conversation." "And unless you are honey talkin' this doll, which somewhat I doubt, you are headin' yourself for a massive funeral." "Thanks, and kindly omit the flowers." "Doesn't look too good." "No." "I think it proper maybe what I should call Mr. Jumbo Schneider." "Come with me." "Phyllis!" "Let me in, Phyllis!" "Locked out?" "No, she's locked in." "Well, there's a light on around the house." "That might be her room." "Maybe you can get her to come out." "Oh, fat chance." "Why don't you do what Rudolph Valentino did in that movie?" "What movie?" "That one where he was half nuts." "I don't know what the other half was, though." "Anyhow, he's walking on the street one day, see?" "And it's raining, and he comes across this puddle, and there stands a girl." "Well, I think it was a girl." "Well, if it wasn't a girl it was the prettiest boy you ever saw." "All right, get to the point." "Yeah, I'm getting to the point." "So, you see, he sees this pretty girl and she's trying to go across the puddle." "See?" "So Rudy takes off his jacket and he lays it down and he says," ""You first, my dear."" "What'd he say?" ""You're first, my dear."" "Besides being polite, he wanted to see how deep the puddle was." "Oh." "What's that got to do with..." "Well, I'm getting to the point." "Wait a second." "See, he falls madly in love with this poor, drowned girl." "Only her father locks her up in her room so that he can't see her, see?" "So you know what he does?" "He stands underneath the window and he sings to her." "Well, did it work?" "Well, I went to get popcorn." "I don't know what happened." "Oh, Virge!" "He sang to her?" "Yeah." "It might work if she saw you." "She's pretty mad at me." "Me?" "Sing to her?" "Yes." "Why, with my voice, if I ever sang The Star Spangled Banner, they'd arrest me for being an enemy agent." "No." "No, you don't have to sing." "I'll go around the corner." "All you do is move your lips." "And you'll sing." "Right." "And she'll think it's me." "No!" "Just move your lips." "I'll sing." "Oh." "Okay, what're we gonna sing?" "What they're playin' is good enough." "All right." "Okay?" "Yeah." "¶ Are the stars out tonight?" "¶" "¶ I don't know if it's cloudy or bright ¶" "¶ 'Cause I only have eyes ¶" "¶ For you, dear ¶" "¶ The moon may be high ¶" "¶ But I can't see a thing in the sky ¶" "¶ 'Cause I only have eyes ¶" "¶ For you ¶" "¶ I don't know if we're in a garden ¶" "¶ Or on a crowded avenue ¶" "¶ You are here ¶" "¶ So am I ¶" "¶ Maybe millions of people go by ¶" "¶ But they all disappear ¶" "¶ From view ¶" "¶ And I only have eyes ¶" "¶ For ¶" "¶" "Now, lie down." "Now, we're ready to begin our exercises." "First, bring your right leg over your left leg." "Your right leg over your left leg." "There, isn't that comfy?" "Yeah." "Now, wrap your left foot around your right foot." "Good." "Now that is comfortable, isn't it?" "No." "Now, quickly bring both knees up to your chin." "Oops!" "I'm terribly sorry." "And now, this next exercise is very good for the hair." "Put both hands behind your head." "Now place your head through the left hole." "Through the left hole." "Now this should be very comfortable." "No, it ain't." "Now, this is very important." "Roll over on your left side and inhale." "Inhale." "Hold it." "Exhale." "Inhale." "Exhale." "Inhale." "And now, our next exercise is wonderful for inducing sleep." "And this exercise..." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "Exhale." "Oh, yes." "Now to continue..." "Stop what you're doing and run!" "Don't walk." "Run, run, run!" "Don't look." "Don't listen." "The chance of a lifetime." "Run quickly, immediately." "Move." "Don't look back." "Run, right away." "Run, run to the nearest drugstore for your package of Restunat." "Remember, Restunat is nature spelled sideways." "Mattie, bring it over here." "What?" "Oh, what..." "Shh." "¶" "¶ You are here ¶" "¶ So am I ¶" "¶ Maybe millions of people go by ¶" "¶ But they all disappear ¶" "¶ From view ¶" "Honey Talk, I didn't see you any place I was!" "And where were you?" "Well, the man told me to run and run, and I..." "Oh, you're wet!" "Yeah, I'm wet!" "Well, I didn't do it!" "If you catch a cold, I'll sneeze for you." "That's the least I can do." "If she'd only give me a chance to talk to her." "¶ Come, horsie fill the flowing bowl ¶" "I beg your pardon, old boy." "¶ Until it doth run over ¶" "¶ For tonight, we'll merry, merry be ¶" "¶ For ¶" "Have another slosh, old girl." "Come on, that's right." "Come have a nice drink." "They're drinking!" "They're drunk!" "That's worse!" "Oh, hello, fellows." "Come on in and sit down." "This is what I was telling you about, the psychological approach." "Now, watch this." "You should be ashamed of yourself, Bertie Searles!" "Contributing to the delinquency of a mare." "Don't you know that alcohol and alfalfa don't mix?" "But she's my friend now." "She's an ally." "A very, very sympathetic soul." "Now we are in trouble." "A crocked jock and a bagged nag!" "Yeah, and they're both loaded." "Hello, I should like to place a call to Mr. Jumbo Schneider in New York." "It's Seldom Kid, and it's long distance, too." "Somebody better waken the boss." "¶" "Better try the other." "What's the action?" "It's the Seldom Seen Kid." "Smells like a stink!" "This better be important." "You have wakened Jumbo up." "Yeah?" "Now, give a listen." "This Honey Talk is off his crock over the Leigh dame and I feel a double-cross is building up." "Well, Jumbo is coming down there personally to handle the details." "Goodbye!" "Short Boy, you and Big Midget and Russian Henry go with Jumbo." "Pee Wee, pack a bag with a few rods." "Grogan the Growler phones for an airplane." "Parrot Puss housekeeps while we're gone." "We leave for Maryland." "Jumbo has got a few races to win and a few heads to crack." "Come on, let's go!" "I know Bromo is good for people, but you think it can cure a horse's hangover?" "I don't know." "I never treated a horse that was drunk." "Well, I guess you'd say this horse had too many snorts." "Hurry up, Virgil." "Shame on you." "Now get up and drink this, you drunkard!" "Come on." "Come on." "Now, drink that." "Come on, it'll do you good." "Drink it." "I wonder if they take horses in Alcoholics Anonymous." "They should, shouldn't they?" "Well, that vitamin shot and alkalizer should do the job." "If we just keep swabbing her down with cold towels, she ought to be ready for the race." "Only I don't know if Bertie will." "Hey!" "Do you think she might..." "No, she couldn't." "Maybe she would..." "Huh?" "What?" "What are you talking about?" "Miss Leigh." "Do you think she'll take My Sheba out of the race on account of what happened last night?" "Well, maybe." "Look, I'll..." "I'll go up and have a talk with her." "No, no, no." "You stay here, Virgil." "She's wonderful, isn't she?" "She's the greatest thing since local anesthetics?" "No?" "Don't be jealous, My Sheba." "I love you." "Sure I do." "Well, just so we understand one another." "Sure." "You're a sweet girl." "All right, Bertie." "What?" "Wake up, come on." "Who?" "When?" "Wake up!" "What for?" "Let's go." "I know you're alive." "Where?" "You're warm." "Who is?" "Little air." "Little air." "That's a boy, another one." "Here, now." "Come on." "Don't you know what day it is?" "Today is race day." "Race day!" "Oh, yes, of course, race day." "Yeah, steeplechase." "Attaboy." "Are you gonna ride?" "Oh, yes, I'm gonna ride." "Are you gonna ride?" "Huh?" "Of course, I'll ride." "Of course I'll..." "And you'd better win!" "Yes, of course, old boy." "Now that the horse and I have a common understanding, we cannot fail to win." "That's a boy!" "Common understanding." "Will you excuse me?" "No, no, right into the shower." "But just one moment." "And don't get out of it till I get back." "I'm gonna get you some black coffee." "I'd rather have cocoa." "All right!" "This way, Jumbo." "There's the room, here." "All right now, first thing you boys snatch that jockey and hustle him over to the Hunt Club, where Mr. Preston has reserved a suite for me." "What about Honey Talk?" "I will personally take care of Mr. Nelson and show them that nobody, but nobody, double-shuffles Jumbo Schneider." "Short Boy." "¶ Till it doth run over me ¶" "¶ Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl ¶" "¶ Until it doth run over ¶" "¶ For tonight we'll ¶" "I say, what're you doing in here?" "Unhand me, sir!" "We haven't been introduced." "What is the meaning of this invasion?" "Who are you?" "We are sort of what you might call a reception committee." "Oh, how delightful." "You are going for a ride." "I certainly am, sir, and I am going to win." "Uh-uh, the kind of ride you are going for the winner don't come home with a wreath around his neck, he comes home with a lily in his hand." "Oh, these quaint American customs." "Here, get your duds on." "My duds?" "Oh, you mean my silks." "Silks, schmilks, get them on!" "Hunt Club?" "Suite B, please." "Jumbo, Preston." "Are you sure you've got the right man?" "Well, I just ran into Miss Leigh and..." "What do you mean there's two guys now?" "What?" "¶" "Yeah." "Okay." "All right, Preston." "Okay, okay." "Don't boil your water." "Pour, pour." "Go on." "All right." "So, just to be safe, we pick up the other citizen, too." "Anyway, I ain't got my Honey Talk yet." "All right." "Get the Seldom Seen Kid and Short Boy, and you two stand on the hall door." "Go on." "Hey!" "Hey, tell the manager to clam up on them crummy musicians across the hall!" "Bertie?" "No, it's me, Virgil." "Where's Bertie?" "Isn't he here?" "No, I went down to get some coffee and then came back up here, he's gone." "Oh, where could he be?" "Miss Leigh's waiting at the track for him." "He's gotta be here!" "Don't waste your time!" "You see that door?" "I didn't do that!" "I know you didn't." "Short Boy, one of Jumbo's trained apes, did it." "And if you ask me, I think they shanghaied Bertie!" "They can't do that." "It ain't legal!" "But, of course not." "And that makes me think that Jumbo's down here himself." "Well, let's go find Jumbo and bring Bertie back!" "Oh, no!" "That's like getting tangled up with a meat grinder." "But, it's either him or us." "Well, I'm worried about Autumn's bet and Miss Leigh." "Look, you go down to the track and see if he's there, and I'll call the Leigh estate." "Okay." "If I call you, I found him." "Oh, h-hello." "Hello, Yokum." "Hiya." "Where's Honey Talk?" "Oh, he... he went to Pittsburgh." "Pittsburgh?" "Yeah, his mother's pitching for the Pirates and he wanted to see the opening game." "Oh, by the way, have you gentlemen seen Mr. Searles?" "Oh, sure." "Come with us!" "Oh, you're very sweet, in a manly sort of way." "Okay." "Well, just tell her Mr. Nelson called." "And if Bertie Searles shows up around there, tell him to call me at the hotel." "Uh-huh." "Virgil!" "Easy, easy." "When I'm handled roughly, I break out in a rash!" "You fellows better not push me around." "I'll tell the police on you." "When they don't see I'm around..." "I wish you wouldn't be so impetuous, Yokum." "I'm addled enough as it is." "Bertie, do you realize we've been kidnapped?" "Rather." "You know, I never thought I'd get involved with gangsters." "Jolly interesting, isn't it?" "But Bertie, the race is in a couple of hours!" "Yes, I've thought of that." "But you know, a man in my position isn't abducted by gangsters every day." "It'll be something to chat about at the club when I get back home." "Come here." "Come here." "I'm gonna finagle things around a little." "I want you two guys to go with me." "Seldom Seen, you stay in the room." "Short Boy, you stay on the door." "And after the race, I'm gonna let you have a little workout." "Mr. Honey Talk Nelson." "¶" "This is all silk." "Are you certain this idea will work, Yokum?" "Oh, sure." "It's quite a good fit, isn't it?" "Oh, yeah, that's fine." "Yeah, this is gonna work all right." "Well, I hope so." "Well, don't you see, they're trying to keep you from the race?" "Yes." "Now, if they think I'm you, they'll try and stop me." "Oh, of course, I see." "Yes." "Yeah, now." "Now, this is the plan." "I'll go out the door and distract them." "Yes." "Now, while they're busy with me, you run and get away." "Oh, I run?" "Yeah, now let's get set." "Move this." "I've never encountered so many obstacles before a steeplechase." "All right, get ready." "What do I do?" "Over here?" "Yeah, right here." "What do I do?" "Get set to run." "On my mark." "Yes." "You all ready?" "I'm ready." "All right." "Here we go." "Fine." "Hi!" "We haven't got a chance!" "Perhaps if..." "It's about time you cuties come out here." "I hear there is a harem going on in there." "Hey, come here!" "What happened to Bertie?" "Oh, I'm fine, but Yokum went to sleep while we were chatting." "Someone at the door?" "Oh." "Oh, my arm!" "Help me." "Gangsters are fun, aren't they?" "Yeah." "Oh, my arm!" "What's going on down there?" "Come on, let's drag him out." "All right." "You're tearing off my arm!" "Jumbo hears about this, he'll tear off your head!" "All I know is, I opened the door and I got surrounded by fists." "There she is." "Do you think you have time to give her a trial run?" "Dear old boy, one doesn't run one's animal before a race." "Now, now, old girl, none of that." "Let's not start that again!" "Sheba!" "Don't you remember me?" "I'm your drinking partner." "Remember?" "Last night." "Yes, that's the whole trouble, she remembers last night." "¶ First call." "Virge, you talk to her." "She loves you." "Go ahead." "Nice." "Nice Sheba." "Good girl." "Calm down now, sweetie." "It's me, Virgil." "Come on, now take it easy." "Everything's gonna be all right, sweetheart." "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." "Well, here we are about to start the $50,000 Gold Vase Steeplechase." "And what an exciting day it is." "We have a record crowd here, studded with celebrities." "I see the Mayor of Tarrytown." "And, uh..." "Oh, oh." "The world-famous Poojah of Bahloop has just come in, with a few of his prettiest wives." "Looks pretty healthy for a guy with all them wives, don't he?" "All right, Bertie." "Come on." "Climb aboard and let's get out of here." "But I must change my clothes." "Yokum, let me have those silks." "Well, wait, you haven't got time!" "You ain't got time for nothing." "Come with us peaceful-like or we start throwing lead." "Hot lead!" "And cold!" "I say, you chaps, I'm not fair game." "I'm here on a visitor's visa." "Yes, and he's got a return trip ticket!" "Help me!" "Help me!" "Disarm him!" "Disarm him!" "I've got him." "All right, get over there." "Thanks." "Get back now." "Get back!" "Get him!" "Get back." "All right now, get back!" "Move it." "Help him, help him." "The horses are coming out of the paddock." "Heading for the starting line." "There's Bingo, Sweep Forward, Blue Blaze." "Eighteen of the world's greatest thoroughbreds in current competition are assembled here today for the season's richest prize." "They're at the post now." "Well, that's odd, one of the entries seems to be missing." "It's 22, the Leigh entry." "Where's the Englishman?" "All you have to worry about is me." "Oh, Virgil!" "What are you doing?" "What happened?" "Call the cops!" "What happened?" "Who's he?" "He tried to keep Bertie from riding." "What?" "Yeah..." "Bertie!" "Come on!" "Bertie, get up from there." "The race is about to start." "You gotta get on the horse." "I demand to see the British Consul!" "Bertie, snap out of it." "The race." "Oh, yes." "Must get into my silks." "It's no use." "They're at the post already." "You do believe I really tried, don't you?" "I'll try hard to believe it." "I'd better go to the secretary and disqualify the horse." "Well, where's Virgil?" "Virgil." "Virge!" "Virgil!" "Well, what's he doing up there?" "Virge!" "You all right?" "Sure, I'm all right." "That'll teach them to fool around with Virgil Yokum." "Virgil, come back!" "Anything can happen." "They're off!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Hey, here comes 22 now!" "Easy, Sheba!" "I don't get this." "There's the first jump." "It's Bingo and Sweep Forward over." "Great Arab and Blue Blaze," "Whiparound and Gladsome Boy." "Here comes My Sheba!" "It's My Sheba, all right." "Who's that rider?" "Phyllis!" "Come on!" "My Sheba's coming strong, but something's wrong with the rider." "Bingo, King Leo and Whiparound pushing hard." "We'll take Marshall's car." "Oh, I better take my ambulance, in case we need it." "Now, it's Sweep Forward over, then Bingo, King Leo and Green Demon, all in a bunch." "There goes a horse." "Uh, two together." "Oh, oh, the rider's hurt!" "It's Number 8, Eddie Miller." "And here comes My Sheba!" "Come on, Sheba, come on!" "Come on." "Oh, make it." "Make it, please." "I can't help it, My Sheba," "I'm a natural born pedestrian." "So, do me something." "Well, I'll try it again." "Giddap!" "Easy, Sheba!" "Easy!" "An unorthodox ride, but amazing." "Easy, Sheba, easy!" "Turn around!" "Turn around!" "...predicting this is still anybody's race." "Look at My Sheba come!" "Hey, it looks to Jumbo like this guy is trying to win a race." "If he win a race, he lose his health completely." "There goes Clay Fox." "The rider's thrown." "Sweep Forward and Bingo over neck-in-neck." "There goes My Sheba over!" "Come on, Sheba!" "Mention that pig's name once more and Jumbo is personally going to give you a thick lip!" "If Jumbo couldn't stop you, I will!" "How do you know about Jumbo?" "My Sheba is fighting every foot of the way for victory." "She's passed Blue Blaze and is now passing Gladsome Boy." "Great Arab moves in to challenge Sweep Forward, but here comes My Sheba!" "And My Sheba is down again!" "Virgil!" "Are you all right, darling?" "Yeah, but I've got a terrible headache in the seat of my pants." "Well, can't you ride anymore?" "I can't even swim." "Well, you don't have to swim." "Stand up!" "Autumn, call the cops!" "Cops?" "Yeah, call the cops!" "Preston's in on a frame-up with Jumbo Schneider." "Well, I'll take care of it, but get going!" "Yeah, okay." "Whoa, boy." "Come on." "This way, Sheba." "Come on!" "Attaboy, Virge!" "Quick, after him!" "Stick with it, Virge, stick with it!" "You can do it, boy!" "Watch out, Virgil!" "Jump!" "Okay." "Come back, little Sheba!" "Oh, pain." "Oh, the muscles." "Everything hurts." "Don't blame me, Sheba." "She told me to jump!" "Oh, I meant over the fence." "Now she tells us." "Come on, get on." "Oh, no, we're not gonna break the rules." "Hurry!" "All right, I'll hurry." "Help me." "Oh, where's your whip?" "I didn't have one." "Here, take this." "What's that?" "That's a souvenir I picked up at the Poojah's suite." "Come on, get going!" "Go on." "Give me the Police Department, please!" "Oh, come on, Virgil!" "Come on, Sheba!" "Go ahead, you Arabian beauty, you." "Arabian?" "I made it, Sheba." "I didn't fall off." "¶" "Only My, uh, My Sheba and Sweep Forward remain in the race." "And there goes My Sheba." "It's Sweep Forward by a head and now, by a nose." "My Sheba is moving up as they approach the water jump." "It's My Sheba and Sweep Forward." "I caught you, didn't I?" "You phony." "You get on that horse and I'll break your leg." "Yeah?" "Well, this is a free country." "So do me something." "Are you all right, Virge?" "Yeah, I'm all right, but I'm sorry" "I can't ride anymore, Miss Leigh, I haven't got a horse." "But, Preston's on My Sheba!" "What?" "He's got my horse?" "Wait a minute, what's going on?" "I don't think he knows it, but Marshall Preston's on the wrong horse." "He's riding My Sheba." "And get this, My Sheba's jockey is running along after them." "That's my boy." "We could still win!" "He's on My Sheba!" "Stay with him, Virge!" "Stay with him!" "Please, don't fall off again." "It's... it's..." "Oh, what's the use?" "If you didn't see it, you wouldn't believe it." "We won!" "Oh, Virgil, darling!" "Oh, Autumn, pain!" "Oh, darling, you're wonderful." "Jeez, Autumn." "People are watching." "Well, let them." "There's nothing in the rule book about two riders on one horse." "Then My Sheba's the winner." "Her jockey was on her at the finish line." "You're dead right." "That's what I say." "Make it official." "Tell them to post the winner." "My Sheba, the winner." "Preston, old boy, we're pals, we're buddies." "I just want to thank you for helping Virgil win on My Sheba." "My Sheba?" "Mmm-hmm." "I won't stand for this." "I demand an investigation." "You're going to get it." "Take him away, boys." "Come along, Preston." "Let's go." "I'll file a claim." "Oh, Virgil, thank you, thank you, thank you." "She's very grateful." "Congratulations, Miss Leigh." "Well, thank you." "Great ride, sir." "Thank you." "Have you set the price you want for your horse?" "Well, frankly I..." "Have we?" "We?" "Oh, yes." "No, the horse isn't for sale, Your Worthiness." "Perhaps in a year or so, Your Highness will be able to buy one of Sheba's foals from the Nelson stables." "And it'll be healthy, too, Your Worthlessness." "Worthiness!" "I mean, Worthiness." "Because it'll be delivered by Doctor and Mrs. Doctor Virgil Yokum." "Oh, Sheba." "What is it?" "What?" "Tell me more." "Who is it?" "Sweep Forward?" "Well, he's a fine horse, too." "Congratulations, My Sheba!" "Oh, you won't have to wait till next year, Mr. Poojah." "Next winter you can have a son of My Sheba." "What?" "What?" "Yeah, I got it straight from the horse's mouth." "Virgil." "I didn't do anything wrong." "What do you think about us getting married?" "Oh, I can't, Honey Talk." "I'm gonna marry Autumn." "Oh, Virge!" "So do me something."