"?" "I'm goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna have myself a time?" "?" "Friendly faces everywhere?" "?" "Humble folks without temptation?" "?" "Goin' down to South Park?" "?" "Gonna leave my woes behind?" "?" "Ample parking day or night?" "?" "People spouting "Howdy, neighbor"?" "?" "Headed on up to South Park?" "?" "Gonna see if I can't unwind?" "?" "So come on down to South Park?" "?" "And meet some friends of mine.?" "We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Halloween Haunt at the South Park docks." "Come on down." "We've got a haunted house, and everyone is decorating for tomorrow night, Halloween, when the band Korn- that's right, Korn- is going to play live." "And don't forget to wear a costume tomorrow, because there's a big first prize." "Well, here are some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now." "Say, boys, what do you think of KOZY FM's Halloween Haunt so far?" "This one time, like eight months ago," "I saw two guys kissing in a park, and that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen until I saw the KOZY FM Halloween Haunt." "All right!" "Well, enjoy the spooky docks, kids." "Hey, you guys, you know what time of year it is?" "Of course, dumb-ass." "It's Halloween." "That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas!" "?" "You better watch out, you better not cry?" "Christmas?" "?" "Christmastime means presents for me.?" "Aw, nuts!" "Come on, Ned." "This ain't a whorehouse - it's ahorrorhouse." "Aw!" "Hey, spooky laboratory, you guys." "Those things are stupid, Cartman." "They just stick your hand in cold spaghetti and tell you it's intestines and stuff." "Well, I'm going to spooky laboratory." "?" "Jingle bells, jingle bells...?" "Welcome to the spooky laboratory." "I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot." "Allow me to show you around the lab." "Cool." "Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs." "Ew!" "And here you can feel the brains." "Ew!" "Gross!" "And here you can feel the warm innards of the body." "Ew!" "It feels like cold spaghetti!" "You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!" "Give it up, Kenny - you're not going to win the costume contest- your costumes always suck." "Boo!" "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "We scared you chickens!" "We weren't scared." "Oh, no?" "Well, you should be." "The pirate ghosts are going to come get you." "The what?" "Didn't you know?" "There's an old legend in South Park that says these docks are haunted by pirate ghosts." "Nuh-uh." "Yuh-huh." "They roam these docks with their swords and hook hands looking for victims to cut up." "That's just an old legend." "Got you again!" "Just wait till tomorrow." "We're going to scare you kids to death." "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "You guys, my hand totally smells like spaghetti now." "Smell it." "I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring us all the time." "We should come up with a way to scare them." "Yeah, let's see howtheylike it." "Joining me now is Father Maxie from the South Park Church." "Father, what do you think of all the preparations here at the docks?" "Halloween is an abomination of God, a celebration of the occult." "Yeah, and how about Korn playing the big concert tomorrow." "Pretty exciting, huh?" "Korn is a devil - worshipping group that plays violent music." "If we allow that demon band to play on this most unholy of holidays, we may incur the full wrath of evil." "All right!" "We'll see you tomorrow for Halloween." "In the meantime, here's a KOZY hit by Barry Manilow." "Come on, you guys, think." "How can we scare the fifth graders?" "It has to be something really scary." "We could get a big, scary, plastic spider and dangle it in front of them on a string." "Spooky spider - that's pretty scary." "That's not scary, fat ass!" "Well, come on, we can think of something better than stupid pirate ghosts." "Aargh!" "Are you sure we're going the right way?" "I don't know." "This map doesn't make any sense." "That's because you've got it upside down, chowder head." "Oops." "When are we going to get to the gig" " I'm starving." "Don't think about it." "We'll just keep playing our game." "Ready?" "I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter "T."" "I know!" "A tree." "You got it!" "I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter "R."" "A road?" "That's it!" "Aargh!" "Aargh!" "Aargh!" "Okay, here's one." "I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter "P."" "Letter "P"?" "What the heck starts with the letter "P"?" "The pirate ghosts!" "Mom, you got the new Duffy's Catalogue!" "I'm going to circle everything I want for Christmas, okay?" "Mom?" "Okay?" "Okay, let's see, I want... this and this and..." "Let's see..." "Eric, your little friends are here." "Mom!" "Mom!" "You want to see what I want for Christmas?" "Eric, it's only Halloween." "That's only 72 shopping days left foryou." "Come on, fat ass, we have to go." "Hey, don't call me fat!" "Mom, don't laugh." "I'm sorry, hon." "I can't go with you guys right now." "Yes, you can, porky." "Mom, stop it!" "Oh, that's not funny, boys." "Eric isn't fat; he's big-boned." "He must have ahugebone in his ass, then." "Goddamn it, Mom!" "God, I hate you guys." "Okay, so, we figured out how to scare the fifth graders." "How?" "What's the scariest thing we could get?" "Spooky spider?" "No." "A dead body." "Yeah, fat ass, a dead body." "You mean we make something that looks like a dead body?" "We could never make one that looks real enough." "To be really scary, it would have to be real." "Yeah, fat ass, it has to be real to be scary." "Where the hell are we going to get a dead body?" "We're going to dig up Kyle's dead grandma." "Yeah, fat ass, we're going to dig up..." "Dig up Kyle's dead grandma?" "!" "Dude, she's perfect - she only died, like, three months ago, right?" "Are you insane?" "I think that's a sweet idea." "Dude, we're not digging upmygrandma." "I'll get in trouble." "All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard, dig her up, scare the fifth graders and then put her back before anyone notices she's gone." "Nah, let's dig up somebody else." "Relax, dude, what's the big deal?" "Think about it, if your grandma knew that she could help you, even in death, she would want to." "This is going to be fun!" "?" "Just hear those sleigh bells ringling?" "?" "Ring ting tingling, too?" "?" "Outside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together?" "?" "With you and you and you...?" "Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas carols!" "We have to be quiet, or else we're gonna get busted." "This must be it" " Cleo Broflovski." "That's my grandma." "Well, let's dig her up." "Wait, I don't know if this is cool." "Of course it's cool - she's going to be all rotted and scary." "I don't think my mom would want me doing this." "Oh, I don't want to dig up my dead grandma 'cause I'm such a Goody Two-shoes!" "Ow!" "You guys, be quiet." "Now, do you want to get back at the fifth graders or not?" "I don't really care, dude." "Yes, you do!" "Now, dig!" "?" "Outside the snow is falling?" "?" "And friends are calling "Yoo-hoo"...?" "Okay, it's almost open." "Ready?" "One, two, three." "Whoa, dude." "Oh, my God." "Hi, Grandma." "Hi, Kyle." "Aah!" "Have you been a good boy, Kyle?" "Have you been making Grandma proud?" "Damn it, Cartman, that's not funny!" "Yes, it is." "I'm sweet." "All right, all right, let's just get this over with so we can put her back." "Okay, grab the sled." "?" "Silver bells, silver bells?" "?" "It's Christmastime in the city...?" "Okay, let's just hide her here, and tomorrow during the Halloween party, we'll come back in our costumes and use her to scare the fifth graders." "How exactly are we going to use her to scare them?" "We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet." "Raah!" "Raah!" "I'm scary Grandma!" "All right, that does it, Cartman!" "That's my grandma - you show some goddamned respect!" "Who was that?" "Cartman?" "It wasn't me." "Dude, not cool." "This is scary." "Hey, like, it's just some kids." "Oh, phew!" "I was really scared there for a second." "Hey, you're that band Korn." "Yeah." "I'm Jonathan, and this is Munky," "David, Fieldy and Head." "And over there's our pal Niblet." "Hey, where'd Niblet go?" "Mm, mm!" "Niblet likes potato chips." "Niblet!" "Hmm, hmm." "What are you guys doing out here?" "We were just driving our van when all of a sudden, we were run off the road by some super-spooky pirate ghosts." "Aw, dude, that was just the fifth graders." "Yeah." "They're trying to scare everybody 'cause they're gay wads." "Don't worry, we're about to go get them back." "Oh, swell!" "We're supposed to play here tomorrow." "Do you know where the stage is?" "Yeah, dude, it's right over there." "Okay!" "Oh, hi." "We're Korn." "We're supposed to play the Halloween concert tomorrow." "I know who you are and what you stand for." "I think your music and Halloween is an abomination." "Groovy." "Could you show us where to set up?" "All right, let's just set her over here behind these boxes." "Shouldn't we hide her better than that?" "Kyle, will you stop worrying?" "God!" "Now, we'll all meet back here tomorrow with our costumes, and then when the Halloween party gets going, we'll bust out dead Gram-gram." "Let's go." "Wait till you guys see my costume." "It's going to be sweet." "Aw, come on, Kenny, you never have a sweet costume." "You're not going to win the costume contest." "Hold on, kids." "Mrs. Broflovski?" "Yes?" "We're from Mount Peaceful Cemetery." "Could we have a word with you?" "Uh, sure." "Come in." "What is it?" "Ms. Broflovski, somebody has defiled your mother's grave." "Defiled?" "!" "How?" "Well, I'm afraid that somebody dug her up." "Dug her up?" "!" "Why?" "Well, the... most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body." "Yep." "What?" "!" "We don't want to upset you, but it happens." "Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak." "Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable." "Oh, dear God!" "Yes, by now, he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well." "Oh!" "Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it." "Oh!" "Yes, and now for the difficult part." "Brace yourself." "It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over-loved hunk of Swiss cheese." "She probably..." "Okay, okay, I get the point!" "Just tell me what you're going to do about it!" "Do?" "Oh, we don't do anything." "We're just the watchmen." "Yeah, I guess maybe you might want to call the police or something." "Oh!" "Now, he probably would make love to the dead body in a cool, dry place so as not to allow further decomposition." "Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman." "A package?" "Oh, really?" "Well, I think" "I can sign for that." "Sign here and here and here." "I got a Christmas present!" "I got a Christmas present!" "Maybe I can see what it is." "I'll just open one little corner." "Let's see..." "Aw, screw it!" "I'll rewrap it later." "Oh, sweet!" "Lifesized Blow-Up" "Antonio Banderas Love Doll!" ""With realistic genitalia. "" "Oh, this kicks ass!" "What a cool Christmas present my mom got!" "It's Halloween Day, so come on down to the docks and bring your costumes." "Where's Kenny?" "He said he had the best Halloween costume ever." "?" "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!" "?" "?" "Guess what I got, Antonio Banderas blow-up doll?" "?" "You guys didn't get one!" "?" "Where's your costume, fat ass?" "Screw Halloween." "I already got my Christmas present." "In a few days, I'll wrap it back up, and then when I open it on Christmas," "I'll act all surprised, like, "Oh, Mother," "Antonio Banderas lifesized blow-up doll!" "What a surprise!"" "Hey, Kenny." "Nice costume, Kenny." "You think you're going to win withthat?" "Heh." "All right, the fifth graders are going to be here soon." "Let's get Kyle's grandma." "This is going to be sweet." "Uh, problem, guys." "What's the problem?" "No grandma." "No grandma?" "No grandma." "She's not here!" "She has to be here." "Well, she's not here." "That's just great!" "Thanks a lot, Stan." "You're going to get me bustedagain." "Okay, people, I know we all want to get down to the docks for the Halloween Haunt, but first we just need to inform you about the people or persons out there digging up bodies to have sex with them." "Gentlemen?" "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." "A person who steals bodies to have sex with them is called a "necrophiliac. "" "So that you all know what to expect, my partner, Alan, has drawn a sketch of what having sex with a dead body might look like." "Ew!" "Oh!" "Yes, we know it's horrible." "It's probably best you not look at it." "Now Alan will demonstrate what having sex with a dead body might sound like." "Excuse me, how is this helping?" "That's it, folks." "Now we can all go to the docks and enjoy the Halloween Haunt." "No!" "Don't go to the docks!" "Aargh!" "Aargh!" "I'm Captain Bligh!" "You landlubbers had better stay away from the docks or else there'll be hell to pay." "Fire the cannons!" "Har-har-har-har!" "Aargh!" "We won't warn you again." "Stay away from our docks!" "I warned you!" "I told you this would happen!" "When you allow bands like Korn to come to town and play your heathenistic Halloween concerts, this is what you get!" "Great rehearsal, gang." "That was really groovy." "Let's practice one more time before the show starts." "Uh, guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween Haunt's been canceled." "Canceled?" "You'd best clear out of here." "There's pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you." "Well, gang, it looks like we have to pack it up." "Aw!" "Aw!" "Aw!" "Goddamn it, now what the hell are we going to do?" "Oh, hey, the kids from last night." "Wow." "Is that the Antonio Banderas lifesized blow-up doll?" "Hey, Kenny." "Oh, man!" "Say, what's the matter?" "You kids look kind of glum." "Somebody took my dead grandma." "What?" "We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare the fifth graders, but then something took her body away." "Now she's doomed to walk the earth in limbo." "Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry." "Well, that does it!" "Something funny is going on here." "Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts." "They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan- they're ghost pirates." "Huh?" ""Pirate ghosts" would suggest that a pirate died and became a ghost, but a "ghost pirate" is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate." "No, David - then theyarepirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates." "You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado, so these must be ghosts that decided to become pirates after the fact." "But that makes them pirate ghosts." "No." "It makes them ghost pirates." "Pirate ghosts!" "Guys, guys, guys!" "Fighting isn't going to solve anything." "Don't you see, this is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do." "Pirate ghosts." "Then you'll help us?" "Sure we'll help you - if there's one thing we like more than playing music, it's solving a groovy mystery." "All right!" "Is everybody okay?" "People stealing bodies to have sex with them?" "Pirate ghosts destroying the town?" "When did everything go so wrong?" "I hate to say it, but I think Priest Maxie was right." "This is what we get for celebrating Halloween and allowing that band Korn to come play." "He's right." "Nothing ever went wrong in this town before that evil Korn band showed up." "Well, I say we go find them and kick their devil-worshipping butts out of town!" "Yeah!" "Get rid of them!" "Lynch mob!" "Down with Korn!" "So, this is where you last saw your dead grandma?" "Right." "Maybe there really are pirate ghosts, and they took her inside." "All right, gang, we have to split up and look for clues." "How should we split up?" "I know." "Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way, and everyone whose insecurities sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Wow, that was easy." "Here's their van!" "Here's their van!" "Let's flip it over!" "Yeah!" "Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly." "The best way to do this is, all get on one side and push it from the top." "Devil worshippers!" "Come on, they got to be around here somewhere!" "This place gives me the creeps." "Say, this looks like a clue." ""Pirate Lore of South Park. "" "Hmm." "Now, why would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates?" "Wha-What was that?" "The noise came from in here." "Stay close, everybody." "Oh, no!" "I lost my glasses." "What does this dead grandma look like?" "Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy and stuff." "Hey, I got an idea - we should set a groovy trap." "Good idea." "How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?" "We need something that might catch their eye to use as bait." "I know!" "Your Antonio Banderas love doll." "Oh, no!" "This is my Christmas present." "If anything happens to it, my mom would know I opened it early." "Come on, kid, we all have to our part, even Antonio." "My glasses got to be around here somewhere." "Is that you, Jonathan?" "Boy, I'm glad to see you." "I lost my glasses." "Aargh!" "Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?" "Aargh!" "Yeah, that sounds like a groovy song, man." "Remember that one." "Fieldy, what are you doing?" "!" "Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan." "Hey, wait a minute, if you're over there, then how could you be over here?" "Unless you're actually a..." "P" " Pirate ghost!" "P" " Pirate ghost!" "Aargh!" "Okay, here's how the trap will work." "When the pirate ghosts walk in, they should go right for Antonio Banderas." "When they hit the super-slippery floor, they'll slide onto this mining car, which should travel down this path into the next room, where the fishnet will fall on them." "Wow!" "Cool!" "Hey, somebody's coming." "We've got to hide!" "Hey, there's Antonio Banderas." "He'll help us." "Mr. Banderas!" "Jonathan, no!" "Oh, no!" "Hold on, guys." "All right, Korn, time for you to get out of town." "Aargh!" "Korn is sending their demon minions upon us." "All right, gang, looks like we're going to have to use our special Korn powers." "Korn powers vitalize!" "Munky!" "David!" "Fieldy!" "Head!" "Jonathan!" "Form of..." "Korn!" "All right, great job, gang." "That didn't help at all." "We know." "It's just cool to do." "Aargh!" "Niblet!" "Niblet!" "What the hell is that thing?" "You did it, Niblet!" "You trapped them." "Yeah, and now let's see who these pirate ghostsreallyare." "Oh, I guess they really were pirate ghosts." "All right, Korn, you can stop your demonic shenanigans and come downtown with me." "Hee-hee!" "Look what Niblet sees!" "Whoa!" "What the...?" "Father Maxie?" "Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?" "Arrest that band." "Oh?" "No." "Arresthim." "Huh?" "I think I've got this groovy mystery solved." "Well, I must say, I still don't get this at all." "It's simple" " Priest Maxie didn't want there to be a Halloween, so he decided to scare everyone away from the docks." "Yeah, and then he used this flashlight and some cotton swabs to create the ghosts." "Then all he needed was some sound effects created by this cup and a piece of cheese." "Aargh!" "And all he had to do then was create a ghost ship by using some candles, a mirror and two squirrels." "But why did you go to all this trouble?" "Because Halloween is an abomination of God." "I would do anything to stop this wretched, unholy holiday." "Including killing people and wreaking havoc all over South Park?" "Don't you see that by trying to stop Halloween you've scared the hell out of everybody?" "No." "Okay, buddy, you can explain downtown." "Well, this is all fine and good, but it doesn't explain what happened to my mother's body." "Yeah." "Where's Grandma?" "Ew!" "Ew!" "There she is." "Oh!" "Oh-ho!" "Well, thanks a lot, Korn." "Your Korn powers really came through for us." "Yes, we were wrong about you." "Will you please play for our Halloween party?" "Well, sure." "Why the heck not?" "All right!" "Aargh!" "Oh, no!" "The pirate ghosts are back!" "Niblet!" "Uh-oh!" "Well, this sure has been a wacky night, but me and the gang learned a lot, and we hope you did, too." "You all perceived us to be mean, evil people, but really, we're just normal guys, and we all perceived pirate ghosts to be real when actually they were just cotton swabs, so I guess the lesson is," "it's easy to perceive something some way and then be wrong, so we all need to learn to be a little less perceptive." "Yeah." "The gang and I wrote a song about it, and it goes a little something like this." "And a-one, and a-two, and a..." "?" "Hey, I'm feeling tired?" "?" "My time is gone today?" "Boo!" "Sweet!" "Sweet!" "?" "Sometimes that's okay, do what others say?" "Antonio!" "No!" "You son of a bitch chicken from outer space!" "Say, come back here!" "?" "Falling away from me?" "And the winner of the costume contest is..." "Wendy!" "For her Chewbacca costume!" "Come on up, Wendy." "?" "Beating me down, beating me, beating me down?" "?" "Down?" "?" "Into the ground, screaming so sound?" "?" "Beating me, beating me?" "?" "Down, down?" "?" "Into the ground...?" "What the hell?"