" (Man On Loudspeaker) Attention." " Yeah?" "Allpersonneltakingpart in themodelyachtrace report to the cesspool." " Ifl weren't so beat, I'd go." " I didn't knowyou were interested in model boats." "I'm not, but the beach at the cesspool is so lovely this time ofday." "We could hunt for shells." " Or kidney stones." " How's it coming?" "Two more and my sister's necklace is fiinished." " Sirs?" " Radar, you're talking in our sleep." "Colonel Blake says he wants to seeyouse both on the double." " It's important." " Doesn't Henry know it's a holiday?" " Aaron Burr's birthday." " Who's Aaron Burr?" "I Trapperl Aaron Burr, the guy that shot John Wilkes Booth." ""From Major General Bartford Hamilton Steele, U.S.A." ""Item one." "All personnel regardless ofrank... will fall out at 0600 hours daily for one-halfhour ofcalisthenics."" " Calisthenics!" " Henry" "Calisthenics is a good idea." "We're all in bad condition." "I, for one, am very soft." "Is that true, Frank?" "Ifyou'll excuse me, uh, I promised to bless a goat cart." "Some folks down the road are going into business for themselves." " (Henry) 'ltem two. "" " Sir." "I found the calisthenics manual." " Thankyou, Klinger." " I likeyour blouse." " Not too daring?" " A little hairy." "This General Steele seems like a new guy trying to make points." "Another pound ofchicken doo." "Foryourinformation, Captain, the entireSteele familyis in the Encyclopedia Americana!" "Oh, it's a very famous Maryland family." "Three brothers, all of'em generals, West Point grads." "One of'em is a U.S. Senator, and one was the fiirst volunteer... to be bitten by a mosquito in the Panama Canal." "Bit him right on the locks." "Colonel, is it all right ifl go out and start the exercises?" "I'm dying to get into a size nine." "Fine, Klinger,just go." "Oh." "Thankyou, sir." "At least there's someone around here with a little sanity." " "Item two."" " Choppers, sir." "What choppers?" "Where choppers?" "I Men Shouting I" " Mortars, Marty?" " Outside ofTaejon, Trap." " He's gonna need a ton ofblood." " (Klinger) Yes, Doctor." " What's gonna happen to me, Doc?" " Let's go." "I Trapperl You're gonna get a manicure, a hair set and a rinse." "Okay." "Come on." "Watch it." " Got him?" " Got him." "Lennox Hill Hospital, 71 st and 3rd, and step on it!" "This kid was a mess." "Gimme some more 0-general silk." "Come on!" "Reverse the needle." "Well, you don't have to shout, Doctor." "This kid didn't fall offhis bike!" "I wanna get him offthis table and into the recovery room." " Take it easy, Hawk." " He must be 1 7 years old." "He ought to be in the soda shop, reading dirty magazines." " How's it going?" " Better." "We got the bleeding stopped." " I Hawkeye I We're closing now." " Good." "Man, more stuffs coming in from headquarters." "New orders, regulations." "Read that fiirst one, Radar." "Uh, yes, sir." " "The winners ofthe model yacht race at the cesspool are--"" " Not that, Radar." "Let him read it." "I haven't seen a sports page in months." ""First place went to Private Norman Polonsky..." ""with his yacht TheAmerican Beauty Dream... corncob construction with toilet paper sails."" "Ah, that Polonsky has the sea in his blood." " More 3-0 silk." " Yes, Doctor." ""Second prize to Corporal Timothy Mclnerny..." ""for his clipper, The Evangeline... carved from a pound cake his mother sent him six months ago."" "I hope he doesn't invite us for dessert." ""The remainder ofthe contestants didn't fiinish... due to a sudden undertow after breakfast."" "Gimme that, Radar." "I'm tellin' ya, there are gonna be some changes." "Listen to this from General Steele." ""As ofthis date, uniform regulations will be strictly enforced." "Individual variations will not be tolerated."" "Now, some ofthe stuff you guys are wearing is out." "I mean, it's strictly G.I. from now on." "What's the matterwith this guy Steele?" "Major Houlihan and I are never out ofuniform." "You mean on purpose?" "That's it." "Put a dressing on." " Uh, sir, you're forgetting the biggie." " What?" " The big one." " Oh, yeah." "Hey, wait till you hear this, guys." "General Steele is gonna headquarter here for a week." " Why here?" " For the waters." "He's looking over the area, checking every outfiit in l-Corps." "We've gotta shape up." " The boss is coming to dinner." " I think I saw this show." "Haircuts, shoes shined, uniforms cleaned and pressed" "Who's gonna press uniforms?" "The motor pool." "They'll run over them a few times." "Hey, come on, troops." "We're on the spot here." "We gotta clean up the whole place." "What about the pigsty we live in?" "My part is neat and tidy." "But the other two parties, who shall be nameless, live like swine." " Pierce." " Mclntyre." "The Swine brothers." " Oh, man, Radar, before I forget" " Klinger." " Klinger shouldn't wear dresses, and no skirts." "Yes, sir." " No dresses." " Thankyou, Nurse." " You're welcome." " How's he doing?" " Stable, Doctor." " Hmm?" " Stable, Doctor." " All right." "Keep the blood going." " Yes, Doctor." "Hey, Doc?" "Am lgonnahaveabadscar?" "No, no, you'll have a beauty." ""Z," like Zorro." "Watch it!" "Don't laugh for three days." " How doyou feel about Biarritz inJune?" " Sorry." " Baden-Baden inJuly?" " Uh-uh." " Monte Carlo in the fall?" " 'Fraid not." " How about the mattress supply room Thursday night?" " Okay." "I'll bring the saltines." "## I Humming I" "Stay away from my medical magazines, Frank." "I just got 'em." ""TheJoy of Nudity." I Scoffs I" "Naked people playing volleyball?" "Doyou participate in this sort ofthing?" " It's a tax shelter." " You can deductyour sneakers and deodorant." " Disgusting!" " I certainly hope so." " Hold it, Frank!" " Touch that still, I'll put knots in your dental floss." "Just so it's understood I have no part ofit." "(Man On Loudspeaker) Attention." "Attention, please." " GeneraISteele isarriving at 1000hours." " That's only a few minutes." " Oh, dear!" " I Mocking I Oh, dear!" "Attention, fiveminutes to GeneraISteele." " Fiveminutes." " ## I Whistling I" "## I Whistling Continues I" "Radar!" "Radar?" "Oh." "I got these new fatigues and cap and everything... from the supply sergeant." "Well, how do I look?" " Oh, you lookvery nice, sir." " Thankyou." "Any tags or anything?" " Hold it." " What is it?" ""Do not remove this tag under penalty of Federal Code 764-J."" "Boy, you get me in trouble, and I'm gonna haveyour keister." " Yes, sir." " (Siren Wails)" "Oh, hell!" "The kitchen's on fiire again." "Sir, it's not the kitchen." "It's General Steele!" "Hejust pulled up." "Mention the tag, and I'll kill you." " Am I perfect?" "I wanna be perfect." " Wetyour lips." "General, sir." "Welcome to MASH 4077th." "Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake commanding." "I Softlyl Perfect." "Uh, can I helpyou with the door, General?" "I read about these new snaps in the, uh, snap bulletin I got there." "IJeep Siren Blares I" "(Siren Turns Off)" "I'm sorry, General." "Sixty-twoyears old, and flit to play halfback at the Point." " Hike." " Right." "Sergeant?" "What kind ofa formation is this, Colonel?" "Just the gang, sir." " I Softlyl Call formation." " Hmm?" " Have the company fall in." "Right." "Company, fall in." " I Whispers I Offiicers in front" " Offiicers in front." " Enlisted personnel in the rear." " Shall we inspect the troops, Colonel?" "Right, General." "Radar" " Uh, afteryou, General." "At all times." " Something, General?" " I'm a bit surprised." "Sir, the tagjust fell off." "Honest." " Bear left and a pace behind!" " Yes, sir." "My second-in-command, Major Frank Burns." "Trim the hair in your nose!" "Got that, Sergeant Donovan?" " Yes, sir." " You gave him an "N," General?" "Nostril." "I'll know what it means." "Our head nurse, Major Margaret Houlihan, sir." "Gut in, chest out!" "Blackjack Pershing, 1 91 5." " Oh, sir, would you like the sergeant to write that down?" " It isn't noteworthy." "Uh, don't write that down." "He knows what it means." "This is our chaplain, Lieutenant Father Mulcahy." "There are no atheists in foxholes!" "I've heard that." "I'd like to see a shine on that cross, Father." "This is mycompany clerk, CorporaIO'Reilly." "The Irish were rotten Indian fiighters." "Noncoms." " The backbone ofthe service." "Where areyou from, son?" " Iowa, sir." "No talking in ranks!" " I Softlyl Sir!" " Not now, Radar." " Sir!" " What is it?" "Straight ahead at 1 2:00!" "Oh, no." "I Softlyl Not now, Marjorie." "I'm inspecting the troops." " You needed me for something?" " Yes, Doctor." "Well, I got drafted as soon as I could." "There's been a slight elevation in his temperature." " Any other problems?" " He's complaining ofabdominal pains." "Mm-hmm." " Hiya, Doc." " You're supposed to be sick at attention." " (Chuckles)" " Ahh, I told you not to laugh for three days." " How doyou feel?" " So-so." "Stick around." "He could be developing an abscess." "Start him on penicillin." "600,000 units, l-M Q6-H." "Right." "Did you get the saltines?" "I could only get Ry-Krisp, but I'm salting them down." " You're very thorough." " I thinkyou'll fiind I'm pretty much all business." " ## I Strumming I" " You got a date tonight?" " You have a fantastic grasp ofthe obvious." " Loveyour uniform." "Surplus, from Montezuma's army." "You better not bump into Henry and that general." "I intend only to bump into Nurse Baker." "Repeatedly, ifpossible." "You think I made myselftoo handsome?" "I wanna give her a fiighting chance." "Hi." "Gotyou some cheese." " Oh!" "Thankyou, Radar." " Yeah." "When I die, I'm willing you my height." "I'm gonna give you this." "Guess what's in this box." " Give." " Something you wanted for tonight." "A dehydrated date." "You add water and there's a girl inside." " Saltines." " Radar, you're an exceptional human being." "I snitched those offthe cook while he was personally serving General Steele." "Hey, the word's out that general's a little bit "el wacko."" "He made me polish the bottom ofhis boots and put starch in his socks." "Any questions?" " I Laughing I" " You ready?" "Got the car ready, Kato?" "My hat's offtoyou, Colonel." "How doyou manage pork roast on C rations?" "Oh,just lucky, General." "One ofour trucks hit a pig." "Beautifully prepared, an apple in its mouth and all." "We don't get any apples, sir." "Uh, that was a baseball painted red." " What have we here?" " Oh, that's an old tongue depressor, General, sir." "It's military equipment." "You wouldn't carelessly throw away a used rifle, would you?" " Oh, I don't know, sir." "We" " This can be cleaned up and used again." " Waste, waste!" " Well, now, you see, General, that's full ofgerms." "I don't even know ifyou can sterilize wood." "Let me put it toyou this way." "Haveyou ever seen a bird... get blood poisoning from a white picket fence?" "Well, I know so little about birds, sir." "My mother's canary had bronchitis." "It was waste defeated Hannibal at the Battle ofZama." "He was a darky, you know." " What's that over there, Colonel?" " Offiicers' quarters, sir." " And there?" " That's our four-place latrine, sir." "Good thinking." "The men can encourage each other." " Camaraderie." " Precisely." " What's that building, Colonel?" " Storage supply, sir." " I'd like to see that." " Yes, sir." "Canary had bronchitis, eh?" "He didn't die ofit, though." "He fell offhis little swing and smashed his bill." "Good." "I hate birds." "Mmm, Hawkeye, whatare we doing?" "I was hoping you'd know." "Things are happening too fast." " You wanna stop and have another saltine?" " Hawkeye?" " Yeah?" " Tell me the truth." "Doyou respect me?" "Do I respect the flag?" "Apple pie?" "Hamburgers?" "The loyalty ofa fline dog?" "That's all I wanted to know." "This is our supply room, General." "Aw, Pierce!" "And after that, Lieutenant, uh, stack the walls and whitewash the mattresses." "Yes, sir." "I don't understand this." "A civilian giving orders to military personnel?" "Uh, well, uh, General Steele, sir, uh... to tell you the truth, sir, uh, this civilian is, uh" "B.F. Pierce, sir." "United Press." " United Press?" " Right." "Ah, a member ofthe Fourth Estate." "General Bartford Hamilton Steele." "That's three E's, not all in a row." "Fortherecord, youcansay thatlpredictan earlyend to the war.." "ifit doesn't rain and we get all wet." "Makeagoodstory foryou." "Seemelater." "I've got some 8x1 0 glossies in my portfolio." "One picture's worth a thousand words, General." "The dying utterance ofGeneral Custer." " YougoingStatesidesoon, Mr. Pierce?" " I certainly hope so, General." " Uh, we all do, sir." " When you get home, would you call mywife?" " Certainly, General." " Tell her I'm sending aJeep for her birthday." "It'll be in a large crate marked "kitchen utensils."" "Don't mention that in your article." "Scout's honor." "You might also tell Mrs. Steele the dried prunes are working out fline." "Best thing since the Gatling gun." "As a matter offact, Just talking about it" "Uh, excuse me, where's the little generals' room?" "Oh, that'sjust outside, sir." "Thereyou go." "First door on the left, sir." "No, no." "That's the wrong-- You're going into the" "Ah, fline, sir." "Whatever." "Damn it, Pierce!" "You didn't come to formation... you didn't come to dinner and then we come in here and fiind you horsing around with a girl!" "Henry, that general is gooney bird." "He's psycho." "Yeah, I know." "How doyou fiigure that?" " I mean, he comes from a fline family." " Well, so did the Borgias." "Henry, it's got germs on it." "I mean, you're in civvies, United Press." "What am I gonna do?" "Have a saltine." "Nine." "Gimme a break." "I'm starvin'." " I Laughs I Ten." " And this is our little offiicers' club, General Steele." "Although we allow anyone in, except the enemy, ofcourse." " I Laughs I" " Hi, Henry." "Uh, General, this is Captain Mclntyre, one ofour really fline surgeons." " Surgeon." "Doctor, eh?" " Notyet." "My brother contacted yellow fever during the digging ofthe Panama Canal." " You should've called me sooner, sir." " Good pretzels." "Thankyou." "Uh, sir, this is Warrant Offiicer Martin Williams... one ofthe best chopper pilots in the theater." " General." " Williams." " Well, General, care for a little drink?" " War and whiskey don't mix." "General Grant kept throwing' up on his bugler." "Chopper pilot, eh?" " Yes, General." " How far is it to the front, Williams?" " Twenty minutes, General." " And what is your fuel consumption?" "Twenty gallons an hour, General." "Waste, waste, waste!" "We're gonna have to moveyour unit closer to the front, Colonel." "Where the guys are fiighting, sir?" ""You doyour best business on Main Street." General Cornwallis." "It's not all that pleasant being on the 50-yard line, General." " It's very dangerous, sir." " Danger is our business." "Getyour second-in-command, and we'll fiind a new location." "MASH means Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, and mobileyou shall be!" "Sir." "Sir, that'll mean tearing down the tents, the buildings." "We'll have to pack everything up." "I mean, we've been here a long time." "We fiixed it up so nice." "I mean, gee whiz,just last week the nurses planted radishes." ""A radish will never stand in the way ofvictory."" "Marshal Foch." "Moving the hospital closer to combat?" "Now I know he's crazy." "He's a fruitcake." "He's got raisins for eyes." "History shows that most great military minds border on the eccentric." " You gottajump me." " I don't want to." " I Groans I" " Life in the big city." "That general is nuts!" "I've seen that look in every Hitchcock movie." "Can you still see the hair in my nose?" "Uh-huh, but it's parted on the wrong side." "I never realized I had so much hair up there." "I did." "I just thought it was an ingrown mustache." "(Jeep Siren Wails)" "Come on, Frank." "The general wants to go look for the new hospital site." " Henry, you're not really gonna let this guy move us?" " He'll get us killed!" "Well, what am I supposed to do?" "He's a two-star general." "But he's a three-star loony." "He is nuts, isn't he?" "Is Bismarck a herring?" " Henry." " Yeah?" "What ifyoujust disobeyed him?" "I can't disobey an order." "I mean, unless somebody gives me an order to do it." " Terrifiic." " (Jeep Siren Wails)" " Come on, let's not keep dingdong waiting." " Geronimo!" "Well, you can see for yourselves, gentlemen." "This is a much more desirable location." "Good water supply." "Flat ground, easier logistics." "This is it." "We move tomorrow." "That's an order." " Whateveryou say, General." " Aren't we forgetting something, Colonel?" " General?" " You accepted an order." "That requires a salute." "Uh, saluting isn't advisable around here, sir." "No, sir." "There are snipers." "And they could see thatyou're the higher ranking offiicer." "Pish tosh!" "Let me have it." "(Gunshots Ricocheting)" " (Gunshot)" " Well, we can stand and flight... orwe can have lunch." " Lunch!" " Lunch!" "Yeah, I'm a little hungry myself." "(Gunshots Continue)" "# I love a parade #" "#The beat ofthe drums Dah, dah, dah, dum #" "# I love-- ##" "They can do more foryou down in Seoul." "I'll send you my bill later." "Don't laugh." " Land soft, Marty." " Gotcha." "IJeep Siren Wailing I" " Hold that chopper!" " I got an emergency." "That patient's going to Seoul." "I need that chopper!" "I wish to use it to observe the move!" "Sorry, General." "Go!" " You bring that chopper back down here!" " Too late, General." " You're insubordinate!" "You're insolent!" " Right!" "Right!" "And you're nuts!" "All right." "This preliminary hearing is now in order." " General?" " Thankyou, Colonel Atkins." "I'llmake this asbrief aspossibleso we cangeton withmovin'this unit." " Charges." " "Re:" "Captain Benjamin--"" "Get on with the charges!" "Charges. "Insubordination." "Disobedience oforders." " Impersonating a civilian."" " Thought I forgot aboutyou in the storage room, didn'tyou?" "It was a night I'll never forget." "I'd like to interrogate the fiirst witness, Colonel." " Byyour leave, General." " "Warrant Offiicer Martin H. Williams."" " Yes, General." " I wantyou to know there are no charges againstyou." "You simply obeyed the orders ofa superior." "The sign ofa good soldier." "Now, feelatease." "Just tellinyourown words... the incident at the helicopter pad yesterday at 0900 hours." "But fiirst, a number." "Sir?" "You know, a musical number." "Well, you've got it in your blood, boy.Just let it out." "#When the sun goes down the tide goes out #" "#The darkies stand around and they all begin to shout #" "# Hey, hey, Uncle Fud It's a treat to beatyour feet on the Mississippi mud #" "Hey, hey, Uncle Fud It'sa treat tobeatyour feet on the Mississippimud" "It'sa treat tobeatyour feet on the Mississippimud" "#What a dance they all do #" "# Lordy, they all dance foryou #" "(Continues)" " I take it we don't have to leave?" " Only the general does." "In a rubber truck." " ## I Strumming I" " Hey, Trap." "Look at this one playing' basketball." "Not a bad hook shot for a girl." "Hey, did you guys read StarsandStripes today?" "What, Henry?" ""General Bartford Hamilton Steele has been promoted to three-star general..." ""for meritorious service in Korea." ""His new assignment is the Pentagon... where he will be in charge ofoperations for the entire Asian theater."" "Hmph!" "And you all thought he was crazy." "Crazy?" "A three-star general?" "Hit it!" "#When the sun goes down and the tide goes out #" "#They all gather round and they all begin to shout #" "I Togetherl # Hey, hey, on myway#" "#What a dance they may do #" "# Lordy, how-- ##"