" I am so honored to introduce my guest today." "She's great of course she's great, she's she's endorsing me." "Alright?" "Ladies and gentlemen, governor Sarah Palin" "(cheers and applause)" "Thank you, Iowa." "I wanted to take a break from full time career of writing things on Facebook." "To fly down here and lend my support to the next president of the United States" "Donald J. Trump" "(cheers and applause)" " Hey, America, isn't she great?" "Just the total package." "Smart, legs, yelling, everything." "I haven't seen a woman this impressive since Jeb Bush." " I'm here because we Americas are struggling." "So many of us have lost our jobs at the factory or our reality shows about Alaska. [ Laughter ]" "We've seen our own children targeted by the police for no reason other than they committed some crimes." "We turn on the news every morning and are shocked to see we're not even on it, because we've been replaced by immigrants like Geraldo Rivera." "[ Laughter ]" " She's fun." "She just says whatever she wants." "It's like her mouth starts diving before her brain gets in the car." "[ Laughter ]" " I'm here for all you teachers and teamsters." "You farmers and charmers." "Whether you're a mom or two broke girls or three men and a baby, or a rock 'n roller, holy roller, pushing' stroller, pro bowler, abscessed molar." "[ Laughter ]" " She's a firecracker." "She's a real pistol." "She's crazy, isn't she?" "[ Laughter ]" " Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!" "[ Laughter and applause ] Is what the mainstream media is spinnin'." "Heads are spinnin'." "They say trump and his trumpeters are right wingin', bitter clinging', proud of clinergs of our guns." "But he can kick Isis ass, because he commands fire." "I hope nobody is allergic to nuts, 'cause we got a big one here. [ Laughter ]" "She's two Corinthians short of a Bible." "[ Laughter ]" "And is it just me or does everything say sound kind of dirty." "[ Laughter ]" " Our president's just bendin' over for Isis, while crony capitalists are suckin' on the teet and slurping' off the gravy train and congress is just workin' the balls." "[ Laughter and applause ]" " You see what I mean?" "And I love dirty stuff, I really do, but this is too blue even for me." "Dear God, she's still talking." " They stomp on our necks and say, "oh, what's the big deal?" "Just take a chill pill, Jill." But we're mad." "We've been had and we're not so glad, quoth the lorax." "[ Laughter ]" " She sounds like a greeting card from a Chinese dollar store." "Wait, should I be learning something from this?" "Is this like a scrooge and situation?" "Because I'm not buying it." "I'm richer than scrooge, ghosts love me." "And I would never give my goose to a tiny Tim type." "Gimme a break." " Thank you, Iowa, and God bless some of the United States of America!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" " Thank you, Sarah." "You know, a new poll says I'm up by 11%." "This is really happening people..." " Guess what, America, I don't really think this guy should be president. [ Laughter ]" "I'm just here, 'cause he's promised me a spot in his cabinet." "And I belong in a cabinet, 'cause I'm full of spice and I've got a great rack." "[ Laughter ] Live from New York, it's" "Saturday night!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "" " Announcer:" "It's "Saturday night live."" "With Vanessa Bayer," "Beck Bennett," "Aidy Bryant," "Colin Jost," "Taran Killam," "Kate McKinnon," "Kyle Mooney," "Bobby Moynihan," "Jay pharaoh," "Cecily strong," "Kenan Thompson," "Sasheer Zamata, featuring Michael Che," "Pete Davidson," "Leslie Jones," "Jon Rudnitsky, musical guest, Selena Gomez, and your host, Ronda Rousey." "Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey!" "♪♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" " Thank you, thank you very much." "And thank you for coming out in even though there's two feet of snow on the ground." "They've closed Broadway, they've closed all the bars, so literally we're the only show in town." "[ Cheers and applause ] Tonight is exciting for me, because it's the first time I'll be on television without getting punched in the face. [ Laughter ]" "It's also the first time I'm talking to my fans since I lost to holly holm in November." "Which, by the way, was a fight holly deserved to win." "And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her." "[ Applause ] That's enough!" "[ Laughter ] And for those of you who are worried I'm not ready to host "Saturday night live" because of, like, brain damage, I'm good." "Besides, everything I need is on cue cards." "[ Laughter ] But, in all seriousness, I'm fine." "Tonight I'm ready to crush it." "[Bell]" " And that's the end of the first round of the monologue." " Oh, and Ronda Rousey's off to a great start!" "Don't you think, Chad?" " I do, mark." "She's warm, yet funny." "I like her chances tonight." " Just look at the focus as she prepares for the next round." " Okay, Ronda, baby, the crowd is with you." "But now it's time to really get 'em to make some noise." " How am I supposed to do that, coach?" " Well, you gotta throw out some applause lines." "You know, stuff they'll really cheer for." " Isn't that kind of cheap?" " Do you want to win this monologue or not?" "[ Laughter ]" "Now get your butt out there." "[ Bell ringing ]" "[ Applause ]" " So, everybody, how does it feel to be in New York City?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "And how about this." "Who here likes cake?" "[ Cheers and applause ]" " What a move, going with cake." " Everybody loves cake, mark, and Ronda knows that." " And it looks like she's getting ready for another joke," " so what's up with this winter storm, huh?" " There's the set up..." " I haven't seen this many flakes since I joined tinder." "[ Audience ohs ]" " Oh, no!" "A rare misstep for Ronda!" "Clearly some of our audience uses tinder. [ Laughter ]" " That one took a lot out of her." " I don't know if I can keep going, coach." "I'm so tired." " You can sleep during update!" "But right now, it's time for a sure thing." "Why don't you hit 'em with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as" "Justin Bieber?" " But Justin Bieber is not even in the news right now." " Nobody cares about that!" "Now go!" "[ Bell ringing ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" " Hey, girl." "You're not the only one who's got quick moves." "Watch me. [ Laughter ]" "Try and pop me." "Betcha can't pop me." "She hit me." "And now I gotta boo-boo girl." " Wow, and Ronda's back with an assist by Bieber." " That's right, Chad." "Makes me ask myself, will she join the ranks of all-time champion Steve Martin?" " It all depends on this final round. [ Bell ringing ]" "What's this?" "♪♪♪" "Can it be a song?" " Oh, and look the cast is joining her and oh, my God, they're even giving the audience cake!" " Unbelievable!" "I didn't know Ronda could sing!" " I can't." "Ladies and gentlemen," "Selena Gomez!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" " Oh, my gosh!" "What a move!" "Ronda Rousey has won the monologue!" "[ Bell ringing ] ♪ when you're ready come and get it ♪ ♪ Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na," "Na ♪ - we've got a great show for you tonight!" "Selena Gomez is here!" "Stick around, we'll be right back!" "[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪♪" "We now return to the screen guild awards." " And now the award for best actor." "There are so many great performances this year, it's a shame we cannot nominate more." "But I think we can all agree these are the best of the best." "For "punching upwards" as a boxing coach who wouldn't give up on his pupils, Brad Dunn." " So that's it huh?" "You're just gonna quit?" " Man I don't know why I'm doing this anyway." "I'll never beat Ruiz" " screw Ruiz." "You know who you got to beat?" "Him." "That guy right there." "That's the toughest opponent you'll ever face in the world." " For "shut em' down", a raucous look at rough and tumble '80s rap group public disaster." "In the role of little q, drew McKenzie." "[ Light laughter ]" " Man, they been tryin' to shut us down since day one!" "Speak a little truth, and they try to take you out." "But if anybody wants to leave, there's the door." "So who is staying?" " Yeah, guys, who is staying?" " I know I am." "[ Light laughter ] [ Applause ]" " For "thurgood," the story of the first black supreme court justice, thurgood Marshall, playing the role of Dave," "Barry peal. [ Light laughter ]" "♪♪♪" " I can't wait forever," "Marshall." "Do you love me, or your books?" " Liv, if I'm going to make it as a lawyer, I got to work ten times as hard as these white folk." "It's the only way it's going to work." " Hey, guys, we close in five minutes." "[ Laughter ]" "Thanks Dave." "[ Applause ]" " For "all the beasts of heaven," the story of African child soldiers and the ruthless warlords who led them." "For his role of white man with camera, Alan Smickel." "[ Light laughter ]" " You will eat when I say." "You will sleep when I say." "You will kill when I say." "When we fight, we will eat there beating hearts." " Finally, for "red line," the story of discriminatory housing practices against African-Americans in Chicago." "For his role as unseen voice on phone, Jacob Schultz." "[ Light laughter ]" " You white people think you can take anything you want." "Well, this is my house and it's" " not right!" " Okay." "I'll give them the message." "[ Light laughter ]" "[ Applause ]" " And the best actor is, oh, my" "God, I knew it, it's a five-way tie, all the white guys!" "[ Laughter and applause ]" " Yeah!" "We did it!" "We'll be back with the award for best male directer." "I mean director." " Keep your eyes closed." " They're closed." " No peeking." "All right." "Sorry it's not a fancy restaurant." " It's so much better." "I love it." "You did all of this for me?" " Well, yeah." "I like you." "I just wanted tonight to be special." " I can't believe I'm sitting here with Chad Channin." "I didn't even think you knew who" " I was." " Are you kidding me?" "I've had a crush on you for a while." "Try your soup." " Wow." " It's so crunchy." " Do you like it?" " What is it?" "[Echoed laughter]" " It's dog food." " Congratulations, new girl." "You just ate real dog food." "What's the matter isn't that what bitches eat?" " Chad, what's going on?" " What?" " We played a trick on you, idiot." "Did you really think that my boyfriend, the most popular guy at South high, would ask you, the weird new girl, on a date?" "Wake up." " You pretended to like me, Chad?" " Yeah." "Sorry." " How embarrassing for you." "At least the whole school isn't watching this on periscope." "Oh, wait, they are." " Say hi." "To the whole school!" " A star is born." " What a shame, too." "She got all dolled up." "Where did you get your dress?" "Is it from Walmart?" "See, I own this school and you don't talk to my boyfriend and you certainly..." " Oh!" " Kendra!" " It's okay, you guys." "That barely hurt." "I hope it was worth it, new girl, because I am going to ruin your life." "See, when you're the most popular..." " Damn." " Bravo." "But before you give an encore, let me just say..." " Oh!" " Are you mad that I knocked over the basketballs, new girl?" " No, I kicked you into them." " Cool words." "Well, think fast!" "[ Laughter ]" "You wanna play dirty?" "Give it to me." "I got your diary." "Let's see here." "Dear Dia..." " Oh, no!" " Hey, Becca." " Saw what you did back there." "It's pretty cool." "You wanna grab a burger?" "[ Laughter ]" " I'm fine." "Brought to you by bamm, bullies against mixed martial arts." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪♪" " One very bland man, 25 long-haired women." "Who will he choose to be his bride?" "It all happens tonight on "bland man." [ Light laughter ]" " My name is Dan and I'm from Chicago or Denver or something." "I have blue eyes, brown hair and gray shirts." "And tonight I'm lookin' forward to getting to know the girls a" " little better." " I like this." " Me, too." " Thank you for our date this morning." "I loved going to your old high school and watching you cry." " Tell me, what do you look for in a guy?" " Well, I know you're gonna make fun of me, but I want a guy who is like my dad." "Smart like my dad, hard-working like my dad, and with the same body and penis as my dad." "[ Light laughter ]" " Sorry, can I steal him for a second?" " I like this." " Me, too." " Thanks for our date this afternoon." "I loved taking a racecar to that improv class with you." " I hope I didn't move too fast." " What?" " I'm kidding." " That is the funniest joke." "I love that we can laugh" " together." " Me, too." "[ Laughing ]" " Oh, my gosh, it feels so good to laugh." "Just before this I was in a really bad cult. [ Laughter ]" "Can I steal him a sec." " I like this." " Me, too." " Thank you for our date this afternoon." "I loved taking the hot air balloon with the cast to" ""Chicago fire."" " Night's nice, too." "With the moon." " Yeah, the moon's nice." " But I also like the day, too, with the sun." " Yeah, the sun is so nice." " We have so much in common." " Dan, can I ask you something?" "Can I wear jeans tomorrow?" " No. [ Light laughter ]" " Can I steal him for a sec?" "I like this." " Me, too." "So, tell me about yourself." " Well, I'm a virgin, but I'm very quick to do the stuff I do." " Wow." "That's cool." " Then why didn't you say so on our date today?" " Because we were rolling down a hill in two giant plastic" " hamster balls." " Sorry I got mad." "That's not me." "Well, it is me but I'm doing a bad job of hiding it. [ Laughter ]" " Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?" " I like this." " Me, too." "So, tell me about yourself." " Well, I've had to wear a damp bikini all week, so now it hurts when I pee." "Also, there's something else i wanna tell you." "But can I be completely honest with you?" " Of course." " I have a son." "And five daughters and they're right here." "[ Laughter ] Yeah, and they can't wait for you to be their daddy." "They're sweet, but they're a lot of work." "And this one, he always has a ton of cash and he won't tell me where it's from." " Can I steal him for a sec?" " Yes." " I like this." " So, tell me about yourself." " Well, I'm the black one." " Let me walk you out." "[ Laughter ]" " I didn't get a chance to tell you that everyone I ever met is dead." " Wait, so you have a sad past?" "You can stay one more week." " Sorry, can I steal him for a second?" " Hey, long time no see." " Oh, my God." "You're literally the funniest person I've ever met and I know two Jews." " Can I steal him for a sec?" " Yes." " So tell me about yourself." " Well, I served in Iraq." "I was a waitress at a diner there for three years." " That sounds hard." "And now what do you do?" " Well, right now I do this." "And then after this I'm gonna do club appearances until I die." " Me, too." " Also on the weekends I volunteer at a kill shelter." " So, are you having a good" " time?" " It's hard." "All the girls hate me just 'cause I'm so mean to them." "And it's made me realize that i have some deep emotional problems and I need to go home and deal with them." " I would be sad to see you go." " Oh, okay, then I'll stay and just be so insane. [ Laughter ]" " Can I steal him for a sec?" "Dan, can I be completely honest" " with you?" " Of course." " I have one enormous toe." "Like, it's so big, and I've always been self-conscious about it my whole life." "I need you to see it." " Oh, holy..." " Can I steal him for a sec?" " Yeah." " I like this - me too." " And I love being here for the 25th season of the show because i was conceived in the second season." " Wow I feel so connected to you." "Remind me of your name again." " I'm Selena Gomez." " Yeah, I'll go with her we can stop." "I'll go with Selena Gomez." "[ Cheers and applause ]" " Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez!" "♪♪♪ ♪♪♪" "I'm in my 14 carats, I'm 14 carat doing it up like Midas, mmm." "Now you say" "I gotta touch so good, so good ♪" "♪ make you never wanna leave so don't, so don't gonna wear that ♪" "♪ dress you like skin-tight do my hair up real ♪" "♪ real nice and syncopate my skin to your heart beating ♪" "♪ 'cause I just wanna look good for you good for you ♪" "♪ uh-huh I just wanna look good for you ♪" "♪ good for you uh-huh let me show you how proud ♪" "♪ I am to be yours leave this dress a mess on the floor ♪" "♪ and still look good for you good for you uh-huh ♪" "♪ take away your things and go ♪ ♪ you can't take back what you said." "I know ♪" "I've heard it all before ♪" "At lease a million times ♪" "I'm not one to forget, you know ♪" "♪ I don't believe it, I don't ♪" "Believe it ♪ ♪ you left me in pieces ♪" "♪ too hard to breathe ♪ ♪ I'm on my knees right now ♪" "♪ I'm so sick of that same old love ♪ ♪ I'm so sick of that same old love ♪ ♪ the kind that breaks your heart ♪ ♪ oooh ♪" "♪ that same old love ♪" "♪♪♪" "♪ I'm so sick of that same old love that it tears me up." "♪ I'm so sick of that same old love my body's had enough." "♪ Oh that same old love" "♪ oh that same old love" "♪ I'm so sick of that same old love feels like I've blown apart" "♪ I'm so sick of that same old love that kind that breaks your heart." "♪ Oh that same old love" "♪ that same old love [ cheers and applause ]" "♪♪♪" " It's "weekend update" with" "Colin Jost and Michael Che." "[ Cheers and applause ]" " What's up, everybody?" "Welcome to "weekend update."" "I'm Colin Jost." " I'm Michael Che and here are tonight's top stories." " As a result of the massive blizzard that has hit the east coast, officials have banned cars from the road, shut down half the subway lines and advised everyone to remain at home." "The one person ignoring these warnings, my boss." "Yay. [ Laughter ]" "[ Cheers and applause ]" " New York mayor Bill de Blasio said with winter storm Jonas expected to dump 21 inches of snow, New York City is in, quote, uncharted territory." "But not everybody agrees." "On location with the report is your friend who always says it's not that bad." "[ Light laughter ]" " How's it going out there man?" "Hello everybody." "How is it?" " Seriously, dude?" "It's not that bad." "[ Laughter ]" " Well, there you have it." "I guess it's not that bad." " Good to know." "This week Sarah Palin formally endorsed" "Donald trump for president." "Either that or she saw and open microphone and decided to say all the words she knew in a random order." "At a rally in Iowa today." "Donald trump spoke about how loyal his supporters are, and this is what he said." " I could stand in the middle of fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose any voters, okay?" "Like, incredible." "[ Light laughter ]" " I mean, what are you doing here, man?" "You're bragging that your supporters love you so much that they're okay with you just murdering for sport?" "[ Light laughter ]" "You know that's not what a president does right?" "You're not running for president of hunger games." "Between this and Sarah Palin's endorsement, I'm starting to think trump is just seeing how crazy he can go, like a velociraptor testing the fences at Jurassic park." "[ Light laughter ]" "Because if trump gets out and becomes president, hold on to your butts. [ Light laughter ]" "And is trump just now realizing his supporters are a bunch of window licking water heads?" "Donald, you are talking to the craziest people in the country." "You could literally take your shoe off mid-speech, hold it up to your ear and say you're getting a call from Batman, and they would be quiet until you hung up your shoe. [ Laughter ]" " The producers of this year's Oscars are reportedly trying to find black presenters to counter a boycott by black actors." "But the Oscars solving racism by making black people present white people with gold." "[ Laughter ]" "[ Applause ] Other black celebrities boycotting the Oscars include Jada Pinkett Smith," "Tyrese Gibson and Snoop Dogg." "Boycott is a very strong word for not attending a party you were never invited to." "[ Light laughter ] Like the jets boycotting the super bowl. [ Light laughter ]" " Let's not say boycott, let's say you took the hint." "[ Light laughter ]" " I'm not watching it, anyway." "The Oscar ceremony is so long and white and boring, it may actually win an Oscar." "[ Light laughter ]" "The one part I will watch is the one black guy, like three hours after it airs and on world star hip-hop." "[ Light laughter ] And if you don't know what that is, you probably saw "Brooklyn." [ Light laughter ]" "There has to be more to spike Lee than not seeing a movie called "Brooklyn" starring only white people." "[ Light laughter ] That's just rubbing it in." "[ Light laughter ]" " "The Revenant" is the number one film at the box office." "Here with her view is our own Leslie Jones." "[ Cheers and applause ]" " How are you, Leslie?" "So what did you think of "the Revenant"?" " I loved it." "But more importantly, I realized something while I was watching it." "I can have Leonardo DiCaprio." "[ Light laughter ]" " I'm sorry what?" " Don't "what" me, you sexy ass blizzard." "I just want to plow your ass." "[ Laughter ]" "That's right." "I, Leslie Jones, can have" "Leonardo DiCaprio." "Whoo!" "Feels good to say it!" "Before today our relationship was like "inception."" "Leo inside of Leslie inside of a dream." "But soon it won't be a dream, Colin." "I'm gonna lock his pretty aviator ass down for keeps." " Hold on, are you planning to kidnap him?" " I'm sorry." "My ears can't hear jealousy Jost." "I know you dream of being duct taped in my trunk." "But I don't need to kidnap" "DiCaprio to keep him." " What do you have that all the other women Leo's dated don't?" " In one word, everything." "Leo, I'm just going to talk to you right now." "Hi, Leo." "I'm Leslie Jones." "And I'm a funny bitch with her own place, a great job, and I understand most of your movies." "And I am crazy good in bed." "I'll even make you a ham sandwich after sex." "Have you ever had a ham sandwich after sex?" " I can't say I have, no." " Yeah I know you ain't." "All the women you and Leo date ain't got nothing in there refrigerator but Fuji water and kombucho juice." " Kombucho?" " Kombucho!" " So your secret for Leo is a ham sandwich?" " Yep." "And I'm not talking about that cheap ass lunch meat, either." "I'm talking about the ham you put in the oven with the pineapple." "And while you in the bathroom, washing your junk off in the sink, I'll already be in the kitchen, butt naked, cutting ham, singing... ♪ Leo want some mustard on your ham sandwich on your ham sandwich ♪ - and not that cheap ass yellow" "mustard, either, where the oil comes out first." "I'm talking about that fancy mustard that the white people eat in the back of a rolls Royce." " We do." " See, I know what no other woman knows." "Leo you need a lady that can make you laugh." "Because while any one of them other pretty bitches is giving you an orgasm, I'm the only woman that can give you a laughgasm." " And can i ask what is a laughgasm?" " Oh, look who is all interested now that I'm with" " Leonardo DiCaprio." " With him?" " Ain't that always the way." "Well, if you must know, he would experience something like this." "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Ha ha!" " Ha!" " And when I'm done with him, his lips won't be the only thing that's chapped." "That's for damn shore." " You mean his penis." " Of course I mean his penis." "What'd you think!" "?" " Okay." "Leslie Jones, everyone." " That's DiCaprio Jones baby!" "Call me Leo!" " A new poll in New Hampshire shows that Bernie Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton" "60% to 33%." "Said a Clinton staffer just before being forced choked." " Peeps have started an on-line campaign to attract millennial mothers." "Sure, when I try to attract millennial mothers, I'm disrupting a Lamaze class." "Khloe Kardashian revealed at she recorded a sex tape with her now ex-husband Lamar Odom or as Kardashian's call that first base." " Let's check in again on the conditions outside with your friend who always says "it's not that bad." How's it look?" " Hey, man, you okay?" "Okay cut the feed cut the feed." "I guess it was that bad." " Today was national compliment day." "Dad?" " A California woman has turned her 12-acre ranch into a home for more than a thousand cats." "Reached for comment, her husband left 10 years ago." " Well, winter is in full swing with the first snowstorm of the season in the northeast this weekend, and I for one am not thrilled about it." "Here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willy." "[ Cheers and applause ]" " Hey!" "happy blizzard, everybody." "Yeah, don't you just love it?" "I can't wait to go home, wrap myself up in a warm, cozy blanket, grab a nice thick book and just start whacking roaches." "[ Laughter ]" " Your apartment has that many roaches?" " Squatters can't be choosers." "It's like the asbestos removal crew said:" ""My God there's someone alive in here!"" " That's terrible dude." "What about all the fun things you can do in the snow, making snow angels, the snow balls, and all the rock salt you can eat." " You eat rock salt?" " We all eat rock salt, man." " No, we don't, man." "How is this supposed to make me feel any better about the weather?" " Sounds like somebody has the winter blues." "When I got the winter blues and need cheering up, I like to dress up in a costume I made and i volunteer down at the animal shelter." " That's kind of sweet, man." " Like we always say, nice try but we're not going to put you" " down, Willy." " Come on." " You know who loved blizzards." "My old dog lucious." "I remember one time me and my brother took lucious out on the frozen pond, but then the ice broke and I had to jump in the water and save Lucious's life." "It's like my mother always says, you should have saved your brother, Willy." " Willy, everybody!" "For weekend update I'm Michael Che!" " I'm Colin Jost, goodnight." " You're watching HLN." "Headline news." "Headline counts for two letters." "We now return to HLN's coverage of:" "Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott." " We're live outside the Palo alto courthouse where another scandal has rocked this city's school." " High schoolteacher Janet Johnson Luna and Carol Torkelson are accused of having an inappropriate group encounter with their student Mr. Daly who was just 16 at the time." " The mother is suing for harm inflicted upon her son." " Testimony continues as Gavin" "Daly will be questioned by the defense." " Mr. Daly, can you point out your former teachers to the court." " Yes, they're right there giving me butterflies." " My my." " So cheesy." " Monsters!" " Ms. Daly?" "Please try and control yourself." "Continue council." " Mr. Daly, do you recall the events of October 3rd 2014, the day of the" " encounter?" " Very clearly." "I replay it like a movie in my head every single day." " Your honor, I'd like to show exhibit 7a, a text conversation taken from Mr. Daly's phone." "Ms. Luna texts, I'm with Mr." "Torkelson, come over for some private tutoring, winky emoji face." "Can you describe your response?" " Ah yes I responded with a gif of a cartoon bird exiting frame so fast that his feathers fly off to imply that I was happy on my way as quickly as possible." " Yes, you certainly were." "To illustrate Mr. Daly's attitude" "I would like to show traffic camera footage of Mr. Daly's car the moment he received miss" "Luna's text." "Was that you driving, Mr. Daly?" " Yes." "That was the second coolest thing I did that day." "Second coolest." "I see what you did there." " What happened when you arrived at miss Luna's house?" " I ran to the front door saying, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God." " When did things turn sexual between the three of you?" " After I walked in, I went to the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror and I said, your life begins today." "And then I came out and we got down." " How long would you say the encounter lasted?" " About five hours." " Oh, I remember those days." " Mr. Daly, what happened when you left Ms. Luna's house?" " I walked to the car with my arms out kind of like spinning in circles like a Disney princess, like mid-song." " Oh my God." " It's so corny." " In the days following, how did your classmates learn about what happened?" " I believe from me telling the story to anyone who would listen." " Were you ostracized at school because of this?" " No, I felt more like Forrest Gump when he was running across" "America and people started following him because he represents hope." " Yet your mother claims your peers called you names." " Yes, sir." "Kids called me "the chosen one," "king of everything," "the" "Revenant," "three's humpony,"" ""diary of a pimpy kid"" ""veloci-tapped her"" "and "my man" but the way Denzel" "Washington says it." " Pardon me, "my man" like" "Denzel Washington says it?" " Judge:" "Let the record show the witness means "my man."" " Did this affect your relationship with your family at all?" " Yes, sir." "My grandpa and dad were estranged." "This event brought them back together." " To illustrate Mr. Daly's mental state in the days following, here is a vine he posted the day after the encounter." " What a dork." " You know what, we'll take a short recess and then we'll resume testimony from my man." " Wow, absolutely riveting testimony." " I know, that kid rules." "At 16 I was still all about playing with legos." "More after this." " They've released a cyber beast all over the city." "We're doomed!" "What are we going to do!" " Looks like the end." " Look, what's that!" " I think help has arrived!" " Fear not friends!" "The super crew is here!" "To save the day!" " Thank God!" "The city is in trouble." " Can you help?" " Of course, we can." "I'm Metalia." "I can bend metal with my mind." " That's going to work great against these metal menaces." "Go get 'em." " Hang on, because there's more than just her, and it's fair that we each get an intro, okay?" " Okay." "I'm sorry, go ahead." " I'm solar." "I can harness the power of the sun to melt any material." " Great, you can melt the robots right now!" " And I think he probably will do that, after we meet everyone." " I'm Aviana." "I'm gifted with the power of flight." " Awesome." " But only as fast as you can walk and only for 10 seconds at a time." " That's great." " I can do it twice a day." " I'm noodle man!" "I can create a Mountain of noodles to smother any foe." "It's noodle time!" " I think honestly we could get the job done with just the heat man and metal lady." " Can I talk to you for just a second?" "We don't know each other very well, but the more you interrupt this, the longer this is going" " to take." " Okay." "How many are there total?" " Like between 6 and 30." " I'm Mr. leathers!" "At any moment I can be wearing leather!" "Oh, I have it on now!" " I don't see how that helps." "Oh no, they just attacked the orphanage!" " Look, I'm flying." " Don't waste it." "Now you can only use it once more." " No, this was the second time." "Then what else can you do today?" "I'm not sure." " I'm the beast." "Roar!" " Now we're talking." " Yeah." " Because I'm obsessed with "beauty and the beast."" "A tale as old as time." " I am queen Aquata." "I command the seas." "But the question is, will they obey?" "And the short answer is no." " You can't do anything?" " I just love the beach." "And I can eat sand, and so far" " it hasn't hurt me." " I'm Gagina." "I have gay-dar but only for black men." "Alert." "One here is." " I am?" " Oh!" " I don't really have to go because I'm very similar to Mr." "Noodles, but my name is couscous if that helps." " And I'm firebutt!" " Great." "We think all of you are great." " So now you can probably save" " the city, right?" " I'm on it." " You saved the day!" " I'm sorry, who saved the day?" " We mean the super crew all together equally saved the day" " as a unit." " Yes!" "♪♪♪" " Three Grey goose Martinis, please." " Uh-oh those guys are staring at you," " oh, I think they're coming over here." " Yo girl." " Sup girl" " hello girl." " Sorry guys, we're kinda just having a girls night." " Oh well that's perfect." " Yeah cause we were looking to having a girls night too." " Ha, TJ, he's such a Mac." "We're all macs, we're all player macs actually." " Not interested." " We weren't checking to see if you were interested." "We were checking to see if you could handle us." " I'm a big girl." "I can take care of myself." " Oh really?" " We won't waste your time counting the paper we stack." "And instead let us tell you about how we pack." "Got a d so big you can ride it like a boat." "Throw it on the water walk across it like a moat." "I've even heard people say mine's too much." "I pulled it out my pants and I played double Dutch." "It's no urban legend but take it from me" "I like it sit shotgun I can ride hov." "Don't worry about mine I'll go down on you." "Faster than a train or a speeding bullet." "So black and big it was raised by Sandra bullock." " I walk with three lights when" "I'm not even trying." "If it was Pinocchio's nose, you know he's lying." " Whatever I'll just go down on you." "I don't take my pants off." "You can get on the back and ride it like a rocket." " It looked like an anaconda sticking in my pocket." " Must be nice!" " Stays so hard i like to keep in the freezer it leans to the left like the tower of pisa." " I threw you on the bed, my pants are on my shirt is on my hat is on, my socks are on, my jacket's on." "Blurred lines." "♪ I got more sausage than new Orleans got gumbo." "When I pull down my pants it looks just like dumbo." "♪ When I pull down my pants there's another pair on." "No negotiation." " Go home with me I'll break you off proper." "My thing had a voice it sound like mufasa." "♪ We been doing all the talking let's let her talk." "Like what's your favorite fashion and way to dance?" "Isabel bottoms and the boogie woogie." "Or satin blouse and the cha cha cha." " You're not even trying to rhyme." " I am trying." " Ya'll girls want a good time come roll with me." "My thing goes deeper than poetry." "When they see it they gasp yo." "One time they used it as a lasso... ♪ I got a great job, I'll go down on you ♪ ♪ I don't love it but I'll do it." " That was disgusting, immature, and most of all, a bad rap." " I absolutely disagree." " What the hell are you doing?" " I barely pushed her." "I'm sorry." "I got a small penis but I'll go down on you." " Motion passes." " Okay so that concludes action items." "We now begin the citizens forum and open the podium to members of the community." " As a reminder swearing is prohibited." "If you cannot express your opinion without using foul language, I encourage you to leave." " Bye." " All right, then, I guess we'll start with you, ma'am." "Hello." " Jan krang, female, age 47." " There is no need to state your sex and age." "What's the problem?" " The teens have taken their mischief to the skies." "And I am talking about drones!" "I snatched this one when it whizzed over my backyard when I was sunbathing, and the little camera snapped some pics of me in my tanning trunks." "They are supposed to be used on some kind of website called drone milfs." "Well, the joke's on them." "How can I can a milf when I don't have any children." "I move to ban these peep bots and free the drone milfs." " We can't ban the drones but I suggest contacting a lawyer about unauthorized use of your picture." " Thank you." "Once again jan krang!" "Krangutan." " Yes we know thank you." " Hello there, Mrs. Todd." "Back again so soon?" " I was banned from the senior center again." "I'm here to ask for reinstatement." " Mrs. Todd this is the third time this month." " It's not my fault!" "I had a rockstar energy drink that lit a fire under my toot." "I was playing monopoly with" "Ethel and she bought Marvin gardens, but I wanted Marvin gardens." "I told her I wanted it but she refused, so I knocked her over the game and I started throwing little red hotels at everybody in the actmty room." "Then I pulled the fire alarm and yelled, I am the nightmare." " I'm not going to do that." "I am not done!" "And then I ran outside and climbed a tree, i grabbed a wasp nest that threw it into a zumba class." " Do you promise to stay away from rockstar energy drink?" " If I told you yes, that'd be a lie." " Then request denied." " I understand, I'm a danger to myself and others." " Moving on, hi there young man how are you." " My name is mc strategy." "I'm originally from Holland but" "I'm here to spread dope beats on the cautious state of real hip hop!" "As you know, next Sunday is the youth football champion chip game!" "My question to you is, instead of star-spangled banner, may i perform a four and half hour concert along with the rest of mythic inside crew." "Mad styles!" "Dj liner!" " I believe Caroline shue is going to sing the national anthem during the game." " What if I promise to bring the abstract foes?" " I would still say no." "Right!" "Well thanks for being part of the revolution." "Please pick up my cd outside of the papa Johns!" " Definitely, definitely will." " Hi there, Mr. loomis." " Lou." "Call me Gary." "I'd like to introduce my good friend Mary bonham." "She'd like to apply for an event permit, and I told her I would help her out because I'm kind of" " tight with you guys." " Hi there." "I'm in an old-timey traveling carnival and side show." "I'd like to set up my tents in the town fair for a two-week engagement." "My side show includes such human oddities as Todd the last Baldwin brother!" " What else do you have?" " That's it." " All your carnival has is Todd," " the lost Baldwin brother?" " Yeah." " Sorry, I think we're going to pass." " Alright cool, thanks for your time." " Hello there, young man." " What up?" "I lost a drone." "Anybody turn one in?" " Do you per chance have a website called drone milfs?" " Yeah." "Cool, right?" " Yeah, but the search bar is hard to find, and when you create an account, you should be able to save your favorites, but we do not have your drone." "It looks like we're out of time." "Meeting adjourned." "Drive safe, everybody!" " Once again, Selena Gomez." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "♪♪♪ ♪♪♪" "♪♪♪ ♪ can't keep my hands to myself no matter how hard I'm trying to ♪ ♪ I want you all to myself your metaphorical gin and juice ♪ ♪ so come on give me a taste of what it's" "like to be ♪ ♪ next to you won't let one drop go to waste your metaphorical ♪ ♪ gin and juice ohh, cause all of the downs and the uppers ♪ ♪ keep making love to each other and I'm trying" "trying I'm ♪ ♪ trying trying all of the downs and the uppers ♪ ♪ keep making love to each other and I'm trying trying I'm trying ♪ ♪ but I can't keep my hands to myself" "hands to myself ♪ ♪ can't keep my hands to myself hands to myself ♪" "♪ the doctors say you're no good but people say what say they ♪" "♪ wanna say and you should know if I could I'd breathe you ♪" "♪ in every single day ohh, cause all of the downs and the uppers ♪" "♪ keep making love to each other and I'm trying trying I'm ♪" "♪ trying trying all of the downs and the uppers keep making love ♪" "♪ to each other and I'm trying trying I'm trying but I ♪" "♪ can't keep my hands to myself hands to myself can't keep my ♪" "♪ hands to myself hands to myself can't keep my hands to myself ♪" "♪ I want it all no nothing else can't keep my ♪ ♪ hands to myself give me your all and nothing else oh I I want it all ♪ ♪ I want all" "I want all I want it all yeah" "♪ hands to myself I mean I could but why would I want to ♪" "♪ my hands to myself can't keep my hands to myself my hands to myself ♪" "♪ can't keep keep my hands to myself I want it all ♪" "♪ know nothing else can't keep my hands to myself give me your ♪" "♪ all and nothing else can't keep my hands to myself ♪ ♪♪♪" "[ Cheers and applause ]" " Hey rob, hey, Nicky." " Both:" "Hey Debra!" "Were you guys able to talk to don about the new customer service policies?" " No, but we were going to after lunch." " Great, oh, and I don't know if you heard but I'm having people over to watch the game on" "Sunday if you want to come by." " Oh yes!" " The game?" "You're having people over for it?" "[ Light laughter ]" " Yeah, I thought it might be" " fun." " Oh, it's party time all right." " Not quite a party, but people over for sure." "No big deal." " Great, me and him love parties." "It's one of our favorite things to go to." " We're always getting invited to parties, so this is nothing new." " Well, mine's Sunday starting around 3:00." " Okay, and that's morning or later?" " 3:00 P.M." "Don't come by my house at 3:00 A.M." " Great." " That's actually easy for us." " Yeah, way easier for us." "I'm actually scared at 3:00 A.M." "[ Laughter ]" " Okay, but there's no reason to be scared." " Nope, not of a party." " And of course, we're going doing what people do at parties so a little of this, a little bit of that, would you say?" "[ Laughter ]" " Just watching football." " Exactly." " Feel free to bring something." " But no pressure." " Like a bucket." " We're just going to be watching TV, so we don't need" " buckets." " Perfect." " Oh so just bring a couple tvs then?" " I have a TV." "You don't have to bring one from home." " Oh that's probably easier for us, we live two hours away and we don't have a car." " Yeah, thanks Obama. [ Laughter ]" " Oh hey, do people have any allergies or..." " I don't think so." " Oh great, then I'll find a couple dogs to bring. [ Laughter ]" " Please don't bring dogs to my house." " Oh, you're going to provide the dogs?" " Very classy affair." " Absolutely." " Have you guys not been to a party before?" " Oh yeah just not with other people." "[ Laughter ]" " Did I hear you guys talking about a party?" "I'm there." "I'll be the one with the nachos." " And we'll be the ones with the towels." " I don't know what that could mean. [ Laughter ]" " Cuz we're bringing towels to the party." " Ha ha, see you Sunday at 3:00 A.M." " P.M." " Oh, right." " I'm going to walk away right now." " I already have plenty of towels." " Lucky." " We can bring rags." " Rags?" " You must know that those are little shredded towels." " I know what rags are and I don't need anything like that." " Say no more." "That actually makes things a lot easier for us." " Yeah." " If you guys don't want to come don't stress." " Oh no, we're not stressed." "We got full body massages today." " Yep, we're not stressed at all." "We've been to a party or two" " before." " Yeah." " I get it, it's not your first rodeo." " No one said anything about rodeo." "[ Laughter ]" " Rodeo, party, either way we get are clowns, right?" " No, it's very casual." "I'll either see you at my house" " on Sunday or not." " Roger that." " Now just out of curiosity, how do we get inside your place?" " What?" " I mean like, is it a climbing situation?" "Do you want us to slam in your front door or..." " No, it's just a regular door" " and I'll open it." " Perfect." " That's easier for us." " Right." "[ Laughter ]" " You guys don't really have to" " come." " Oh we'll be there." " Oh yeah. [ Door bell ]" " Deb, wake up, we're here to watch the game." "[ Barking ]" " We brought dogs and rags." "[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]" " I think I'm a pretty good catch." "So why can't I meet the right guy?" "I tried all the online dating apps like tinder, okcupid, and" "That's why I joined the new online dating app, settl." "[ Laughter ] There's nothing wrong with the men on settl." "They're just normal guys with characteristics I'm now willing to overlook." "[ Light laughter ] I already bought my wedding dress so I just needed a groom." "I joined settl and went on tons of okay dates." "That's how I met my Henry." "He may drive a smartcar but he's a manager at petco and even has a 401k." "We're getting married in April which is before my sister." "[ Laughter ]" " Settl isn't misleading like those other dating apps." "It's honest." "For example, men are only allowed to upload their passport photos or ones of them pretending to hold the leaning tower of pisa." "[ Laughter ] That way we can't focus on their" " looks." " Hi." " Sorry I'm late." "I don't have a car." " Whatever." " And they guaranteed a date because settl won't allow us to swipe left." "[ Error noise ] Because remember, it's not gmng up, it's settling up." "[ Laughter ]" " Settl." "Tick tock." " Would you like to have another glass of wine?" " Oh, no thank you." "I'm usually in bed by now." "[ Applause ]" " Thanks to Selena Gomez, Tina fey, everybody crazy enough to brave the blizzard and come here tonight." "Everybody watching here tonight, keep warm!" "Thank you so much!" "Have a good night!" "[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪♪"