"♪ Life is whittled ♪" "♪ Life's a riddle ♪" "♪ Man's a fiddle that life plays on ♪" "♪ When the day breaks ♪" "♪ And the earth quakes ♪" "♪ Life's a mistake all day long ♪" "♪ You tell me who gives a good goddamn ♪" "♪ You'll never get out alive ♪" "♪ Don't go dreaming ♪" "♪ Don't go scheming ♪" "♪ A man must test his mettle ♪" "♪ In the crooked ol' world ♪" "♪ Starving in the belly starving in the belly ♪" "♪ Starving in the belly of a whale ♪" "♪ We're starving in the belly starving in the belly ♪" "♪ Starving in the belly of a whale ♪" "♪ Aaah!" "♪" "♪ Should auld acquaintance ♪" "♪ Be forgot ♪" "♪ And never brought to mind ♪" "♪ Should auld acquaintance... ♪" "♪ In days of auld Lang syne ♪" "♪ For auld Lang syne ♪" "♪ My dear... ♪" "♪ We'll take a cup ♪" "♪ Of kindness yet ♪" "♪ For the sake ♪" "♪ Of auld Lang syne ♪" "It was a cosmic mistake... that we got this far." "One of us is a coward." "I don't think it's me." "Happy New Year, Buster." "Hey, we got your cave surrounded, huh?" "So, come out with your hands up." "Come on, Buster, this is your last chance." "Buster." "Come on, Buster, come on, Buster." "The cost of a fishing license is scheduled to go up 10% next month and that has a lot of fishermen rushing to the river." "They want to make sure that they're able to use their current licenses before they have to pay the hike." "And in other news, Buster is back and roaming the hillsides." "The identity of the mountain man remains a mystery." "The only image authorities have is a five-second clip captured on a rancher's security camera last winter several counties away." "The Sheriff's Department believes this hermit lives off the land in the warmer months and survives the winter by breaking into empty vacation homes for food and shelter." "He's earned the nickname "Buster"" "from calling in to radio shows with wild rants." "The calls increase in frequency in the days leading up to New Year's." "Y'all a bunch of sheep!" "You know that?" "Hey, Buster, can you tell us where you are?" "You're wasting your time." "I'm not Buster!" "Buster!" "Maybe." "Buster has managed to evade capture for nearly five years." "Although he's committed no known violent crimes, authorities consider him armed and dangerous." "Well, yeah, we're gonna find him." "He can only keep this up for so long." "Hey, uh, Buster?" "Look, if you're listening, well, we're on your scent now." "We're gonna get you." "So why don't you save us all a lot of trouble and turn yourself in?" "♪ He's got the whole world ♪" "♪ In his hands ♪" "♪ He's got the whole wide world ♪" "♪ In his hands ♪" "♪ He's got the whole world ♪" "♪ In his hands ♪" "♪ He's got the whole world ♪" "♪ In his hands ♪" "♪ ...whole world in his hands ♪" "♪ He's got the little bitty baby ♪" "♪ In his hands ♪" "♪ He's got the little bitty baby... ♪" "♪ Hi, baby!" "♪" "♪ He's got the little bitty baby ♪" "♪ In his hands ♪" "Okay, now is this..." "Is that good?" "Is that clear?" "One or two?" " This." " That one?" " Two." " Okay." "He's got the whole wide world..." "Really?" "Please." "He's got the whole world" "Good job, sweetie." "You want to sit here?" " Why is he doing that?" " Baby, sit up tall." "♪ He's got you and me, brother... ♪" "I miss you, too." "I love you." "Yeah, yeah." "Put the little monster on." "I'm sorry I haven't seen you." "You were asleep when I got home, and I had to take a nap." "Daddy had to take a nap too." "You get to hear my voice." "Love you." "Put your mom back on." "Hey." "Good night." "I love you." "Bye." "You don't have to help me." "I want to help you." "But you're already too tired." "Look at your eyes." "You know, my love..." "I talked with your mom." "She doing okay?" "Yes, she's good." "For sure." "She asks about you." "I think... it's been too long since you called her." "I'll call her tomorrow." "For sure?" "Yes." "You promise?" "Yes." "Good." "The dark ages, 1994." "Thousand dollars was..." "Oh!" "Uno." "Why no?" "Why no?" "Uno." "Can you say it?" "Uno." "Uno." "Dos." "Two." "Two O's!" "Two O's is Dos O's." "Dos, say it" " Mm." " Dos." "Great." " Tres." " Three." "Exactly." "Tres." "Can you try it?" " Tres." " Perfect." "Four is Cuatro." "Cuatro." "Don't you think it's a little confusing to teach your daughter Spanish before she knows English?" "No, I think she's perfectly capable of learning both." "Aren't you?" "You like Spanish?" " Yeah." " There you go." " Good morning." " Buenos Dias." " Here, baby." " Buenos Dias, Papi." "Buenos Dias, Mi Amore." "You know, this cartoon is a little pornographic." " It's her favorite." " It's her favorite, right?" "He doesn't have clothes on." "I know." "He's free." " Free?" " Free." "He's so free." "He's trying to escape the way everything works and do it his own way." "I saw they were selling parcels of land up at Priest Creek." "Really?" "Yeah, that would be perfect for us." "That stretch of water is just full of fish." "You know, between that and the garden, we could be self-sufficient, you know, work part-time." "Maybe even not at all." "Yeah." "That would be nice." "I know that the Holy Father exists." "And I know that he loves us." "But I didn't always know." "I used to be someone else." "I was strung out on drugs." "I was abusing my body." "I hated myself." "I hated everyone else." "I gave testimony that this congregation gave me my life back." "I am eternally grateful to my husband, Jonah." "I'm grateful that he found faith in his heart so that he could be with us as a family." "Once you've seen inside the machine... they don't let you leave." "I propose that the universe is both infinite and finite, infinite energy in a finite system." "This is due to sphincters." "Everything is controlled by sphincters, black holes to butt holes." "Now the universe is shaped like an apple and through its core runs a secret passageway, completely through it." "When the great inversion occurs, the spin of the..." "Sorry to keep you waiting." "How can I help you?" "I need a room." "Smoking, please." "All of our rooms are non-smoking." "Just need a credit card and ID." "I don't have either." "I don't believe in them." "I can't let you check in without an ID." "Everything these days is designed to trap a man, don't you think?" "I'm sorry, sir, I can't help you." "Tell you what, let me buy you a drink." "The bar's closed." " Yeah, but you can open it." " I don't drink." "Even better." "What do you actually do?" "What's your title?" "Concierge." "Concierge." "Hey, hang on, man, you can't do that here." "Concierge comes from the Latin Conservus, which means "fellow slave." Don't take that personally." "You're not the only person trapped in the machine." "In fact, there are very few free men left." "Oh, let me guess, you're one of them." " I feel like I know you." " Doubtful." "What do you do?" "Computer systems engineer, consultant" "See, uhh." "For millions of years, man roamed free under the stars." "Only the strong and the lucky survived and procreated." "It was absolutely brutal." "All sex was rape." " You know the drill." " I don't." "It was, until one day Eve flipped the script." "She introduced Adam to her fruit, which is really just code for clitoris." "And the whole system got rebooted, bong, the first inversion." "Little by little, we started to build civilization in binary:" "Logic, rules, inputs and outputs." "But see, there's a catch." "The better the system, the more trap it is for the individual." "We've walled ourselves in." "Now, what I do for a living has to do with termite control." "There's a bug in the system." "Not many people know about it yet, but they soon will." "Ever heard of Y2K?" " No." " No." "When we hit the year 2000, our computer systems, they're gonna fail." "System reboot on a global scale." "I'm talking economic collapse, security breaches on every level." "Pentagon, CIA, it's gonna be a bloodbath." " How do you know?" " How do I know?" "Sources on the inside, backwater channels with like-minded hackers, burning fucking bushes everywhere I look." "I'm the prophet of the second inversion." "Whew." "Hey, you hungry?" "I think you should go." "I'm like a roving exterminator." "I find bugs, I fix the binary." "Ever heard of mutually assured destruction?" "Hmm-mm." "Thanks." "What did you say your name was again?" "I didn't." "I don't." "I just gave you a dollar and you're not gonna tell me your name?" "I told you, I'm the last free man." "Companies pay me in cash to keep my mouth shut about their insecurities." "I'm running around repairing holes on a sinking ship, and for what?" "So the people in the first class can survive while the rest of us in the underclasses drown?" "No, this doesn't sit right with me." "You and me, us regular folks, we need to come up with an escape plan." "Have you got a family?" "All the more reason for a plan." "I have high-level security clearances and I've seen things I wasn't supposed to see." "I'm starting to think I'm on a hit list, that people out there want to see me gone." "Hey, you gonna give me a room tonight or what?" "Let him go high up." "I'm gonna wind it for you." "Hip hop." "Hey, baby." " Bye." " Bye." " I'll see you later." " Okay, have a good day." "You, too." "Papi." " Papi?" " Hmm?" "Papi?" "Wake up, papi." "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Nagasaki was..." "You are very, very dangerous!" "That's what it is, you know, it's Y2K apocalypse." "If the world really does come to an end on New Year's," "I'm going to bequeath you..." "Bequeef." "What is a Bequeef?" "It's a manly version of the Queef." "It comes all the way up from my thighs like a sumo wrestler." "I flex and it shoots up my thighs and it comes straight out of my little Weenus." "Okay." "On that note, we're going to take some calls." "Countdown to the year 2000." "Are you ready for Y2K?" "If the world ends, what will you Bequeef?" "Give us a call." "You know the number." "Hello, you're on the..." "The inversion's coming." " Hello." " Hello, you there?" "The inversion is coming." " Buster, is that...?" " Oh, no." "This guy is our favorite caller." "He calls in all the time, completely out of his mind." "How's it going, buddy?" "Listen up, you shits;" "I can tell by the cloud formations, the machine's gonna crank to a halt and that's when the passageway opens up and we can pass through one at a time." "Buster, you are a dream to us." "You have no idea the joy that you bring us." "As soon as you go to jail, buddy, I'm gonna make "Free Buster" bumper stickers." "I'm not going to jail!" "I'm the last free man!" "I'm going straight up through the ass hole to the mouth!" "You shits are gonna get fucked!" "Of all people, you most clearly see the predicament of the human condition." "Your heart is heavy with the burden of this knowledge." "Taurus, you are a rebel." "Those in power see you as a glitch in the machine, a bug in the system." "Horoscopes for a dollar per minute." "Taurus, your heart is true even when it's broken." "The time is running out." "The fabric of the universe must be repaired." "Cannot escape..." "Hello, you've reached the Lomaxes." " Paul." " Donna." " Brandy." " And Chambers." "We're either out hunting or in sunny Orlando." "Leave us a message and we'll get..." "Right back!" "Hey, Paul Bill Western here." "Hey, are you guys back in town?" "I saw lights heading up the hill last night and thought, oh, probably better check." "I'd also saw on the television that old Buster might be back up on our ridge, so keep your weapons loaded." "Anyway, hey, if I don't hear from you," "I'll swing up this afternoon and make sure all is good in the fort." "All right, happy holidays, my friend." "♪ By the rivers of Babylon ♪" "♪ I shall return ♪" "♪ And there I shall be ♪" "♪ When you remember my love ♪" " Hey, Paul, Bill Western here." "Hey..." " ♪ By the rivers of Babylon ♪" "Message deleted." "♪ I met you ♪" "♪ And I learned to feel ♪" "You promised I'd be switched to days." "I thought Dale was being transferred to Salt Lake or I never would have promised." " Why can't Dale do nights?" " He's got seniority." "What do you want me to do about it, Jonah?" "I'm in a bind as much as you." "I worked nights for five years." "You'll adjust." "You just need a sleep mask and some earplugs." "Look, why don't you take home those curtains that we replaced in room 307?" "Take them home with you, gratis." "You just need to make your room dark like a cave so that you can trick your body into thinking it's night." "Hey, where have you been?" "At work." "Can you feel her head?" "I think she has a fever." "She feels fine." " Really?" " Yeah." "You feel okay, baby?" "I feel okay." "Really?" "So, what's your plan for the dog?" "I thought you were getting rid of it." "Ryan is allergic and the dog sheds." "I am not living my life like this." "Whatsoever thou shalt lose..." "Want to help with some pancakes?" "Yeah." "I'm going to make papi some food." "Yeah, he's going to eat breakfast just like we did." "This is my house." "We're going for a walk." "♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪" "♪ That Jesus Christ is born ♪" "♪ While shepherds kept their watching... ♪" "Can you please turn that off?" "Yeah." "Go on, baby, let's watch TV in the living room." "♪...a holy... ♪" "There you go." "Cartoon time." "Hey." "Hey." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "Hmm." "You know, I went and looked at apartments yesterday to see if there was anything decent in our price range." "They're actually not that bad." "I was thinking since Roxy's almost old enough to go to preschool, we won't need Pauline to watch her anymore." "Have our own space." "Are you okay?" "No, I'm not okay." "I'm tired." "Work hard... so we can... build this piece of land like we planned to and raise our daughter the way we planned to, have the family we planned to have." "You go out looking for apartments." "You never told me you were looking for apartments." "Didn't tell you because this is the way you act when I talk about it." "What do you want?" "We are nowhere near having the amount of money we need to buy a piece of land." "And what if we get it?" "You don't know how to build a fucking house." "Are we gonna pitch a tent?" "We have a two-year-old." "What's your solution?" "We keep paying rent for the rest of our lives?" "My solution is we get out." "We find space of our own." "We find a way to be happy outside of this fucking house." "Oh, and we pay rent, every month, every month, for how many years, becoming what, slaves to this system like everybody else." "And she becomes a slave, too." "She needs something different." "We need mountains." "We need dirt." "We need air!" "Can't live here." "And then what's the point?" "What's the point of living here for three years with that fucking bitch?" "Huh?" "What were we doing?" "What were we saving for?" "Just part of this cycle." "We become part of this fucking cycle, the same goddamn shit!" "Is that what you want?" "What's your fucking plan?" "Sorry." "Don't be scared." "You have to trust me." "That was not me, okay?" "I'm sorry." " Yes, it was." " I'm sorry." "Everything's going to work out." "Please don't come near me." "Don't do that." "Everything's gonna be fine." "I promise you." "You just have to trust me." "I'm gonna take care of the three of us." "I can't get any traction." "I drive into work." "I got the sinking sensation again." "It's right in my heart like... couldn't breathe." "Like my heart wasn't made right." "When that happens, I just want to run away." "I get this urge... to just go as far away from everyone as possible." "Where would you go?" "I don't know." "South maybe." "I'd always wanted to know what it's like to go fishing in the ocean." "The thing is..." "I know how lucky I am." "Don't get me wrong, man, I'm..." "I'm so grateful for everything... for Marty... for Roxanne." "I won the lottery." "I just wish I could get some traction." "The machine's designed that way." "Dangles a carrot so you keep trying." "But you'll never taste it, no way, not if you play by the rules." "I bet you don't get too many opportunities at a hotel like this." "It's not exactly the Ritz." "No." "But there are opportunities." "All those million-dollar vacation homes on the mountain, the ones that stay empty 9/10 of the year, the owners fly in on those tiny little airplanes." "It's the only way to access this side of the range." "What happens, the wind picks up, planes can't fly, which means they're stuck staying at this hotel when their flights get delayed." "Happens all the time." "The rich ladies, I'm pretty sure they keep all their jewelry in their carry-ons." "Nobody wants to check their diamonds." "Most of these people I'm talking about, they sleep one night here and they're gone by sunrise to catch a plane." "Most of them never even leave their rooms." "But sometimes they check in early enough that the restaurant's still open." "Husband usually orders a steak and keeps his eyes glued on the game while the wife slowly gets drunk." "There you are, enjoy your stay." "The trick is to only take one, maybe two pieces, from each bag, and you can't take the most expensive thing either or they'll know they've been robbed." "You want them thinking they must've just forgot to pack that ring, not that it was stolen." "431." "Well, if he was here, he left it pretty clean." "That's usually what he does." "It's kind of his signature." " Is this part of it, too?" " Is that fresh?" " How would I know that?" " Is it warm?" " You want me to touch it?" " Give it to me." "This is 48-hour scat." "He's got to be close." "Yeah..." "Why don't we send a car around, every house in the area, and start knocking on doors?" "Because he's too smart for that." "He's already increased his radius." "He's out there deeper into the territory where houses are ten miles apart at least." "I give him one thing, he's got stamina." "What do we think this means?" "It looks like a cooking onion to me." "Or a round bale of hay?" "Could be a map." "Looks like there's a asshole on the top and the bottom, like an onion with..." "with two assholes in it." "A double, a double butt." "Oh, fuck." "You're so fucking good, fucking me just like that with your cock." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, I'm so wet." "I have never been this wet in my entire life." "I'm being honest with you." "Oh, my God, yes, I've been waiting for this for so long." "Your cock is so..." "Hello?" "Don't stop." "Keep going." "I'm so wet." "Oh, baby, you're fucking good, yeah." "Keep doing it to me just like that." "Just like that." "It's coming." "Oh, my God, you're coming?" "Come for me." " No." " Come for me." " It's coming." " Yes, it's coming." "You're coming?" "The inversion is coming." "Listen, mister, this is gonna be a really expensive phone bill." "Head for the hills." "It won't be long now." "Get to the highest point." "You want to be closest to the sphincter when the clock strikes midnight." "Ah, sphincter." "Dive in head first and never look back." "This place has so much opportunity." "It is America in a nutshell." "And we got to take advantage of it, and it's a beautiful thing." "People come through here and we rub shoulders with them and these are people at the corporate level, making decisions, hiring, firing, people that think in three-to five-year chunks." "We could be those people." "The only thing separating us and those people is an MBA..." "Jonah?" "Did you ever think about getting your MBA?" "I'd have to start at the bottom, get my GED." "You didn't graduate high school?" "How did you get this job?" "Showed them my criminal record." "What?" "Jonah, I need to see you in my office." "In a minute." "Right now." "I think you know why I called you in here." "I'm not sure that I do." "Is there anything that you want to tell me, Jonah?" "Anything you want to come clean about?" "I found these in your employee locker." "Irrefutable evidence, Jonah, you're abusing caffeine." "You're right." "I've been abusing caffeine." "I just called you in because I care about you." "I don't want to see your life go down the crapper, alright?" " You understand?" " Mm-hmm." "Heck, I feel culpable in all this." "You came in for help, you asked for it, and I turned a blind eye." "Listen, I've been giving this thought." "A couple of young guys like us shouldn't spend that much time away from their family." "You're here all night, you sleep all darn day." "You need a staycation." "A what?" "Coined the term myself." "It means you take a vacation but you stay put." "I want you and Marty take a look at your calendar, pick a weekend, and then she and Roxy can come stay here at the hotel with you." "Pick out one of those handicap suites with plenty of leg room, completely gratis." "You still have to work your night shift, but at least you get to see more of them." "I suppose you'll want your cut now." "I did dip into your half for some incidentals, business expenses." "I was planning to pay you back with my cut from future jobs but you're pulling the plug on the whole operation." "Where am I dropping you?" "Bus station's fine." "Such a big-shot, Y2K." "What about you?" "One scare and you're pulling the plug on the plan?" " Yep." " I thought we were friends." "I don't even know your fucking name." "It's bigger than Y2K." "That's just the tipping point." "We're about to witness a cosmological shift that breaks all bonds." "No one likes a prophet, but I tell you this because I care." "If you want to save your family, the only way is to send them through the Wormhole early before the inversion." "That way they're ahead of the shift, and they won't get lost in the undertow." "Enough." "When the inversion happens, everything will seem upside down, reality shifts." "What's right is wrong, what's wrong is gonna be right." "Enough!" "Okay, just shut the fuck up." "I can't listen to this shit anymore." "You're not the prophet of anything." "You're a fucking lunatic." "And we're not friends." "It's over, okay?" "Why do mommy and dad need privacy?" "'Cause they don't like somebody to go in the bathroom and see them." " Oh." " Mm-hmm." "You're so smart." "You call it privacy and privacy on the potty and somebody's going." "This is a elephant... and a elephant goes... and then a elephant goes, "Ooooo!"" "I won the lottery." "What are you talking about?" "You had no reason to trust me." "Why?" "You're cute." "No, I was a bum." "You're a cute bum." "All dirty and fleas and grimy teeth." "You didn't have fleas." "And you're just... the most pristine little church girl, ladling me soup, talking to me about Jesus." "Alright." "If that's the way you like to remember it, that's fine." "That is how I like to remember it." "The way I remember it..." "I brought you into the pantry and you were so starved for affection, you fell in love right away." "And you've been trapped ever since." "Want to hold him?" " No, you hold him." " Okay." " He likes to be my friend." " He loves you." "Hey, hey." "Hey." "Froggy..." "It's a wonderful night at Amenity Inn and Suites." "Mind if I put you on hold?" "Mama's on vacation right now." " Mama's on vacation right now." " Mm-hmm." "Why is Mama going on a vacation?" "Oh, she just needed a rest." " Mama?" " Yes?" " Come with us." " Okay." "What do you think daddy's up to?" "What..." "Where is daddy?" "He's working." "Where are you going?" "The babies are going to find their daddy." "Sir, I don't think you're hearing me, this room is damp." "It's musty." "Ma'am, I'm more than happy to move you to another room." "♪ There's two in the bed and the little one said... ♪" "Did daddy teach you that song?" "You've already moved me." "This is the second time you've moved me." "I am exhausted." "This is unacceptable." "If you give me one minute," "I, I promise I will resolve the issue." "How's it going?" "Doing okay." "How are you guys holding up?" "Good, good." "She wants you to tuck her in." " Hey." " Sleepy girl." "I would love to tuck you in, sleepy." "You going to have a break sometime soon?" "Twenty minutes." "Think you can... think you can stay up for 20 minutes?" " What do you think, baby?" " Can you stay up with me?" "So daddy can give you a kiss good night?" "♪ There were four in the bed ♪" "♪ There were two in the bed and the little one said... ♪" "What did they say?" "♪ Roll over!" "Roll over!" "♪" "♪ And they all rolled over ♪" "♪ One fell out ♪" "♪ And he gave a little scream ♪" "♪ And he gave a little shout ♪" "♪ Please remember to tie... ♪" "Bye." "See you later." " Mm." " Twenty minutes?" "Okay." "Twenty minutes." " Yeah." " Twenty minutes." "Stay up." "Jonah, you about done with those EOD's?" "Oh, I didn't have a chance, but I will get them to you first thing tomorrow." "My family's here, remember?" "It'll take you 30 minutes tops." "I do need those tonight." "Seal yourself to your loved ones in the Holy Temple so that you may be bound together for all eternity." "Each one is really one-of-a-kind." "You're not gonna find these in a store." "You're not gonna find these in a catalog." "Can a heart ever be whole?" "Only the whale knows these secrets." "The whale is the living temple." "Go, Jonah, to the mountain, go, Jonah, to the sea, as far away from yourself as you can get." "The storm will follow and nothing is for certain." "Do you understand?" "Amen!" "Can I get an amen?" "Hey, baby." "Jonah." "Hi, beautiful." "I saw your little girl." "She's gotten so big!" "Yeah." "I can't believe it." "She's a little angel." "She is." "She has your eyes." "Hers are brown." "Like the milk man." "Silly!" "What happened to you?" "I took a beating." "I think someone's trying to get rid of me." "No one likes a guy who sees too much." "You should call the police." "Nah, told you, I'm outside the system." "I thought you were leaving town." "I was." "I am." "Tomorrow." "Can I have a room tonight?" "I'm not asking for a handout." "I'll pay you back." "All right, doesn't matter." "I don't know you and you don't know me." "No more funny business, I promise." "You don't have to promise because I know there's not going to be." "I'm putting you next-door to me." " You're staying here too?" " With my family." "Oh, your family's here." "Hey, can I meet them?" "Okay, okay, you won't hear a peep out of me." "You won't know I'm there." " You're out by noon tomorrow." " I'll be gone long before that." " It's the last time." " Yeah." "One more night and that's it." "This is a good deed and it won't go unnoticed." "I plan to repay you in full." "Black hole to butthole." "Now, the universe is shaped like an apple and through its core runs a secret passageway, completely through it." "When the great inversion occurs, the spin of the universe will be reversed upon itself, creating a cosmological storm of unfathomable power, then bang, a new Big Bang, a brand-new cycle, eternal recurrence of the almost same, over and over again," "no escape." "Perhaps there is a tiny island to be found with a brief respite, like the eye of a hurricane." "This place exists and doesn't exist." "The perpetual calm of the center of a black hole where ideas are hatched and formed, where loved ones fish on the shores of the cosmos together, hopefully with respect and humility, with immense gratitude for this rare and special peace." "Oh, my God, Jonah, I'm so sorry." "Shit." "All right." "I am... good." "Sleep tight." "No." "Enough!" "Enough!" "Kill me!" "Kill me now!" "I give up!" "I give up!" "Come on." "I gave, gave him a room." "What room?" "Your wife's room?" "The one next-door." "Trying to do a good deed." "What good deed was that?" "He needed a... he needed a bed for the night." "I know what that's like." "So, you let a homeless man stay in the room next to your wife and child." "Yeah." " Did you get an ID?" " No." "No." " Or a name?" " No." "No." "No." "He said he was, uh... going to, uh... said he was going to leave town." "He was going to, I don't know, check the bus station." "Check the bus station." "I want to get you in front of a composite artist while his face is still fresh in your mind." "We'll get a sketch out there." "We'll see what we can round up." " Okay?" " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Thank you." "Santa?" "Are we being robbed?" "How long are you planning on staying?" "You know, I need to warn you, our children and grandchildren are coming up this weekend." "They had to spend Christmas with Leon's family, but they'll be here for New Year's." "I hope you'll be gone by then." "That smells yummy." "It does, doesn't it?" "Nice young man is making dinner for us." "It's going to be all right, Will." "It'll be okay." "Oh, isn't that wonderful?" " Looks good, doesn't it, Will?" " Mm." "Oh, no, please, we..." "No guns at the table." "Rounding out 24 hours of sacred music on this Christmas night, that was "Carol of the Bells"..." "Hmm." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Whoop-Whoop-whoop." "Mmm." "Mmm!" "Hmm-mm-mm." "Oh." "Where's your coat?" "Never gave me my birthday present." "I never..." "He came to the party and he didn't have a present." "Even though I was getting told for a person's birthday without bringing a present..." "But I didn't have..." "Hmm." "It was a good birthday, though, wasn't it?" "Mm, mm-hmm." "Well..." "I expected him to go home, but he didn't go home and he didn't have a present and he didn't ever bring me a present." "That's the biggest disappointment I ever had." "No, that's not true." "I dreamed that I..." "I got cowboy chaps." "I got cowboy chaps and I woke up and I..." "I went..." "Oh, that's wonderful." "I went to my closet and I looked for my cowboy chaps and they weren't there." "Yeah." "And I asked my mother, "Where are my chaps?"" "And she didn't know what I was talking about." "And I was inconsolable." "That was a long time ago, Will." "Oh, you brought some more things for us." "That's really wonderful." "My favorite pillow." "This should be very comfortable for tonight." "How long do you plan on keeping us down here?" "Thank you." "Do you think maybe we could talk in the morning about..." "Oh, very nice." "Oh, that'll do great." "Thank you." "Let's, let's talk..." "Oh, that's lovely." "And again, maybe tomorrow..." "Hey, Jonah, would you mind coming down to the station tomorrow?" "I just have a couple of additional questions I want to ask you." " Yeah, sure." " Okay." "Hey, by the way, what time did you say that homeless man came in?" " It was late." " Hmm." "Sometime after midnight." "Hmm." "See, the thing is, we looked over all of that security footage from the lobby security camera." "We didn't find anyone matching his description." "As a matter of fact, nobody came in after midnight." "I..." "I'm sorry to bother you on a day like today." "♪ A... men ♪" "The holy father has a plan for us all." "We may not understand his reasons, but we must never doubt that he has them." "Now, at this time, I'd like to invite Jonah," "Marty's husband and Roxanne's father, to say a few words." "It's impossible." "It's impossible." "I don't believe it." "Uh... the procession to the graveside..." "Young man, this has gone on long enough." "You let us out of here and I won't call the cops." "Bob, how was your trip?" "How was your drive up here?" " Honey." " I know." "Did you take 80?" " Honey, this is not Bob!" " Did you take 80?" "I want you to let us out of here now." "Do you understand?" "We've had enough." "It's not a game anymore." "You need to let us go." "Take whatever it is you want." "We had the most beautiful purple tree." "No, no!" "What are you doing?" "I didn't know the name of it." "What... what are you doing?" "Don't want your pants!" "We want to get out of here!" "Please, let us out of here!" "Please!" "Gathered stories of hope and inspiration from across the nation in a segment we like to call "Christmas Miracles."" "After a hurricane tore through Kathy Rose's Corpus Christi home in May, she found a nativity hand-painted by her late mother was smashed to pieces." "She kept the shards wrapped in newspaper in the attic." "She couldn't bring herself to throw them away." "On Christmas morning, she decided to unwrap the broken pieces to see if she could perhaps give some of the figures back together, and then she saw it." "Baby Jesus was intact." "He was perfect." "When I saw him, I sat down in the chair and just started crying because I knew that God and all his angels had been watching out for me." "That's how I survived the storm." "In another story of faith and survival, a note in a bottle washed up on a San Diego beach yesterday just in time for Christmas." "The note was in Spanish." "Translated, it said," ""My name is Onus Quato." "I've been lost at sea for 1,000 days." "The water has always been calm."" "We managed to track down information on Onus Quato and confirmed he was lost on a commercial fishing voyage during a storm off the coast of Mexico and presumed dead." "When his mother was delivered the note by San Diego police, she was overcome with hope." "I love you so much." "You are lost, son." "But God..." "God above..." "He can help you." "You must give your heart to the Holy Father." "Let Him enter your soul and you will be changed." "I promise you." "Please, I am begging, hear my prayer." "Give your heart... to God." "Confused?" "Afraid?" "Unsure of who you really are?" "Are you looking for advice about love or loss?" "Do you have questions about the true nature of reality?" "Call for a free consultation and you'll talk one-on-one with Doctor Tabitha Moon." "She's live in the studio now waiting for your call." "Please!" "Help us!" "Greetings." "I'm here to share my gift." "The number is there on the edge of the screen." "Call me now and I will do my best to answer whatever question is in your heart." "Hello?" "This is Doctor Moon." "Hey, Dr. Moon." "I've been feeling lost lately, you know, figuring out what my true purpose is." "And I've been thinking about... just quitting my job, but I don't really know..." "Howdy." "Good morning." " Is this your house?" " It is." "What's your name?" "Bob." "Oh, you're old Willie's son, aren't you?" "You look just like him, I have to say." "You're probably sick and tired of hearing that though, aren't you?" "Say, are your folks up here for the holidays as well?" "They're just in town;" "They went to get some provisions." "I see." "Well, I don't want to disturb your holiday, but we're out here just telling people that, uh, Buster the mountain man has been seen roaming our area, and if you guys stay home, you know, he won't disturb you," "but just keep a watch out, yeah?" "And let us know if you see or hear anything suspicious." "Just give us, give us a holler." " Will do." " All right." "Have a nice holiday." "Happy holidays to you too." "I'll tell the folks you said hello." " Thank you, bye-bye." " Bye-bye." "What your dream is to live." "Why are you here?" "That's what you want to work on." "That's the most important question." "Thank you." "Thank you for calling." "Finished with the homes on the western side." "I'm going to go downriver." "Did you hit the Bowery cabin over at James Pond?" "Affirmative." "Spoke to Bob." "Say again?" "I spoke to Bob Bowery." "No sign of Buster on his land." "Joe, Bob Bowery's been dead for years." "Either you've seen a ghost or that was Buster." "Tonight, light a candle for him and say a healing prayer." "Thank you." "Thank you for calling." "Who's next?" "I want to serve you." "The telephone number is on the screen." "I'm here, live, waiting for your call." "Hello, this is Doctor Moon." "Where am I?" "I'm not sure I understand the question." "Tell me where I am." "You're on a boat." "You've been there for a long time." "Why am I there?" "There's been a mistake." "There's a bug in the system." "How can I fix it?" "We sent an exterminator." "I'm like a roving exterminator." "I find the bugs, I fix the binary." "We are sorry for your loss." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, too." "You look tired." " Papi." " I'll make you tea." "Papi?" " Don't do that." " I'm sorry." "You said you weren't going to do that." "I won't do that." "I'm sorry." "I've been singing this song." "What do you want me to tell you?" "God... is not merciful." "Just efficient." "It was a mistake... we got this far." "We are in the belly of the whale, my friend." "With luck... he'll eat one of us and spit the other out." "It's the only escape... that I see." "Happy New Year, Buster." "Hey, we got your cave surrounded, huh?" "So come out with your hands up." "Come on, Buster, this is your last chance." "Shit." "♪ ...and pou'd the gowans fine ♪" "♪ We've wander'd ♪" "♪ Many a weary foot ♪" "♪ Sin' auld Lang syne ♪" "♪ Watch it, now. ♪" "♪ For auld Lang syne, my dear ♪" "♪ For auld Lang syne ♪" "♪ We'll take a cup... ♪" "♪ I don't see anything. ♪" "♪ Oh, my... ♪" "♪ Hell. ♪" "♪ For auld Lang ♪" "♪ Syne ♪" "♪ And here's a hand my trusty friend ♪" "♪ And give a hand 0' thine ♪" "♪ We'll take a cup of kindness yet ♪" "♪ For auld Lang syne ♪" "♪ Go tell it ♪" "♪ On the mountain ♪" "♪ Over the sea and ♪" "♪ Everywhere. ♪" "♪ Go tell it ♪" "♪ On the mountain ♪" "♪ To set my spirit ♪" "♪ Free ♪" "♪ See me wandering back again ♪" "♪ Set my spirit free ♪" "♪ Crept and toiled upon the land ♪" "♪ Set my spirit free ♪" "♪ Hide and seek go back again ♪" "♪ Set my spirit free ♪" "♪ For the Lord will show the way to ♪" "♪ Set my spirit free ♪" "♪ Who's that watching me in the dark?" "♪" "♪" " Who is that watching me" " Set my spirit free ♪" "♪ In the dark?" "♪" "♪ Who gives the fire in every spark?" "♪" "♪ Who gives fire in every spark?" "♪" "♪ Ohh ♪" "♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪" "♪ Over the sea and everywhere ♪" "♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪" "♪ To set my spirit free ♪" "♪ See me bouncing back once more ♪" "♪ Set my spirit free ♪" "♪ I done knocked on every door so ♪" "♪ Set my spirit free ♪" "♪ Batter down the door shall I to ♪" "♪ Set my spirit free ♪" "♪ Go tell it on the mountain to ♪" "♪ Set my spirit free ♪" "♪ Go tell it ♪" "♪ On the mountain ♪" "♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪" "♪ Over the sea ♪" "♪ And everywhere ♪" "♪ Go tell it ♪" "♪ On the mountain ♪" "♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪" "♪ To set my spirit free ♪" "♪ Oh-oh-Oh ♪" "♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪" "♪ Over the sea ♪" "♪ And everywhere ♪" "♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪" "♪ To set my spirit ♪" "♪ Free ♪" "♪ To set my spirit ♪" "♪ Free ♪" "♪ To set my spirit ♪" "♪ Free ♪"