"So you're saying that you'll have a baby with me in three years?" "Yep." "Crosby, who is this little fella?" "I don't know." "He, uh..." "One of the girls up front asked me to watch him." "Are you sure he's yours?" "Because if he is, you have legal obligations, financial obligations." "Max, you don't have to play baseball, not after this season." "I'm not having any fun." "A.K.A. Steve Williams." "They're Facebook official." "HADDIE:" "Daddy, this is Steve." "Mr. Braverman, it's really good to meet you, sir." "Whassup?" "Excuse me." "Hi, do you know where room 112 is?" "Sarah Braverman?" "Uh, yeah, that's me." "Hi, I'm Arnold Lee." "My daughter Sylvia's in AP Chem with Haddie." "She raves about your daughter all the time." "She says that, uh, she's a genius." "Oh, you know what?" "Haddie's my niece, actually." "Um, my daughter's Amber Holt." "Oh." "Oh." "Well, nice to meet you." "Look, these aren't in the blue bag, but these, right here, have the best salt-to-pepper ratio around." "I don't want those." "They're crinkle cut." "I want the ones in the blue bag." "KRISTINA:" "Max..." "Any chance you saved the old bag?" "We just buy these and dump them in there." "Honey, he can taste the difference." "I've tried." "Honey, honey, honey, don't talk to him." "Don't want to talk to him." "HANK:" "Adam!" "Walk this way." "Hank, hey, how are you?" "Oh, doing what I can with these kids." "Yeah." "You left some big cleats to fill." "Oh, I don't know about that." "Look, uh, Adam, I heard about your, you know, situation with Max." "Oh." "We were talking and..." "Right." "Thought maybe, you know..." "MAX:" "I found them." "KRISTINA:" "Oh, good, honey, that's awesome." "ADAM:" "Oh, great." "Great." "We'd love to have you come back on the team." "Huh?" "What do you say?" "ADAM: (STUTTERS) I don't think that's..." "Sure." "He's not gonna..." "I'll go back on the team." "(CHUCKLES) All right, can you bring it up top?" "Boom!" "Boom." "We'll see you." "Boom, yeah, see you." "KRISTINA:" "Bye." "(SIGHS)" "Is there any chance that's nicotine gum?" "Uh, (CHUCKLES) good eye." "Can I?" "Do you mind?" "Of course, yes, it's your lucky day, sure." "Thanks, I quit smoking seven years ago." "But the gum I can't give up." "10 years." "(LAUGHS)" "You know, nothing like college prep day to get me jonesing for nicotine." "I know, but..." "Standing under the breezeway chewing gum, you know, doesn't really have that, like, rebel feel." "Well, you haven't seen me blow a bubble yet." "Whoa." "Yeah, it's pretty cool." "So, you have kids here, huh?" "Did you have them when you were 12?" "(CHUCKLES) No, I, um, I work here." "I'm Mark Cyr, eleventh grade English." "Ooh, I think I just gave nicotine gum to my daughter's teacher, Amber." "Amber Holt?" "Sorry, we're working on the eye-rolling attitude, but... (CHUCKLES) There's no eye-rolling." "She's, uh..." "Amber's actually one of my most engaged students." "Really?" "Yes." "What are the rest of them like?" "They're a bunch of drug-addled losers." "Glazed eyes." "No, no, they're a good group of kids." "You, though..." "You have to see the paper that she wrote on The Sound and the Fury." "You will be blown away." "Are you kidding?" "No, it's really, really good." "Ah!" "(BELL RINGING)" "Um, yeah." "Wow." "I should probably go, though." "Oh." "Before the Principal busts me." "Okay." "All right." "Thank you so much for the gum." "Thank you." "Nice to meet you." "Oh, please be careful of the door." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh." "Oh." "All hail, the conquering hero!" "(CHUCKLES) SYDNEY:" "Hi, Mommy!" "Hi, sweetpea!" "Wow, that smells delicious, babe." "Aw, thank you." "Mmm-hmm." "Hey, I thought you had a play-date with Harmony today?" "Yeah, she's in my room." "We're playing "The Princess and the Maid."" "How do you play?" "Well, Harmony's the princess and I'm the maid." "Oh. (CHUCKLES) Oh, wow." "How do you get to choose who's the princess and who's the maid?" "Well, Harmony's always the princess." "And you're always the maid?" "No, sometimes I'm the cook or the gardener." "Oh, and sometimes I'm the royal dresser." "Oh, wow." "Sweetie..." "(BELL JINGLES)" "Princess Harmony needs something, I have to go." "Don't look at me." "I'm always the cook." "Hmm." "DOCTOR:" "The good news is you're in very good health." "Blood work looks fine, low blood pressure." "Yeah, she works out all the time." "The only thing I'm concerned about are the slightly elevated FSH levels." "FSH?" "Follicle Stimulating Hormone." "The higher the level, the more difficulty we have in ovulating." "Am I infertile?" "No, no, no." "Nothing like that." "Okay, but I can still get pregnant within three years?" "In three..." "In three years." "Well, given your FSH levels, and the real decline in fertility that occurs between 34 and 37," "I suggest you think about moving your timetable up." "Mmm-hmm." "Uh, by how much?" "Now." "I think now would be a good time for us to start." "(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) You think now would be a good..." "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "Hey, Adam, Max's shirt's hanging out." "Yeah." "It's okay, Mom." "Yeah, why doesn't somebody tuck it back in?" "Mom, it's fine." "He's fine." "Better than my kid," "I have to tell him ten times a day to tie his laces." "Ah." "Listen, by the way, Adam, if you guys need anything, help with meals, rides to school, anything." "Thanks, Scott." "We can still feed and clothe ourselves." "What a jackass." "(CELL PHONE CHIMES)" "Can I go over to Steve's house tonight?" "Because Marjorie and Dale are making personal pizzas." "No, no, we're going over to Grandma and Grandpa's for dinner, you know that." "Well, he can join us." "Who?" "I don't think..." "That's okay." "You don't have to say that." "It's a done deal." "(HADDIE CHUCKLES)" "(BAT PINGS)" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Call it, Max!" "Call it!" "Okay, okay!" "Okay!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "Hey!" "Call it, Max!" "MAX:" "Hey!" "Hey!" "(GRUNTS)" "It's okay, Max." "You just have to stand there, that's what Coach said." "It's okay." "Good try!" "Oh, no one told you, I like mine julienned, with the fancy edges." "Oh!" "Hey, did you take the test?" "The test?" "The paternity test?" "That one?" "Oh, right, right." "Okay, did you at least tell Katie about Jabbar?" "No, it's a bad time for her." "Her follicles are over-stimulated." "Adam, you knew about this whole Jabbar thing." "You didn't tell him to get a paternity test?" "It's his life." "I figured he'd get around to it when he was ready." "But he's a child." "So..." "She makes a really good point, Adam." "You might have dropped the ball on this one." "Crosby, I'm serious." "I'm..." "I'm really..." "You have to get the test." "Yes." "Uh-huh." "There are serious financial and legal ramifications." "You know, sometimes, you sound so much like a lawyer." "The water's high." "So, now, you go under the arch." "Okay, so turn right and go under this arch and the water's coming, so..." "Hey, Max." "Watch out, he's going to blast..." "Ooh, yeah!" "Yo, Max." "You can win." "Hey, Max, what do you say we get a little practice in before dinner?" "Make sure you're ready next time a pop up comes your way." "He's right behind you!" "Uh, do you have an extra glove?" "Yeah, you can borrow mine." "Uh, hey, Max, want to go play baseball?" "Cool." "All right." "All right, remember, two hands, Max." "You can get it." "All right." "Throw it over to Drew." "All right, you want to stay in front of the ball, Drew." "All right, got it." "Got it." "You got a good arm." "Oh, thanks." "All right, remember, two hands, Max." "Two hands, Max." "Two hands." "I know!" "ADAM:" "All right." "Hey." "Hey, Max, come here, here." "Throw me the ball." "Watch, you see?" "When it goes into the glove, put your hand over it, so that it stays in the glove." "All right?" "Okay." "All right." "Here we go." "Like that?" "Just like that, Max!" "Just like that!" "Perfect." "(CAR DOOR CLOSES)" "KRISTINA:" "Hi, honey." "ADAM:" "Hey." "Hi, Drew." "Hey, Dad." "What's up, Adam?" "Hey." "DREW: (WHISPERS) God." "You know, I thought he was a loser before he started dating Haddie." "Oh, Amber." "Hmm?" "I hear you're turning into quite the English scholar." "How did you hear?" "Was it the skywriter that my mom hired, or was it the full page ad she took out?" "It was the billboard on San Pablo, of course." "Listen, don't worry about that." "There's nothing that travels faster than word of a Braverman's accomplishments." "And, seriously, an "A" from Mr. Cyr." "Nice going." "Yeah, he's supposed to be really hard." "Thanks, dude." "Uh, Camille, (SIGHS) This crisp is amazing." "Do I sense some nutmeg?" "Yeah, Camille, what is it?" "Very good." ""Camille"?" ""Camille"?" "It took me two years to call her that." "I still can't." "Can I call her Camille?" "No." "He's a keeper, huh?" "Hey, Cammy?" "Cammy-Cam, can we get a little vanilla ice cream, go a la mode on this crisp?" "I think he's sweet." "He seems like a nice guy." "Yeah, he does." "SARAH:" "Yeah, right." "He's cute." "Definitely cute." "JULIA:" "He's cute." "SARAH:" "He's really cute." "Isn't he?" "No." "No, no, no, no, no." "It's sick." "Okay, she looks at him like some sort of doe-eyed Disney character." "Yeah, dude, that's what teenage girls look like, when they're in love." "She's not in love!" "Yeah, well, you're a moron." "Oh, ouch." "Do you remember Sarah with Seth when she first met him?" "Oh, my God. "Oh, I just loved your cover of In Your Eyes." ""Your solo totally kicked ass."" "The hair flip." "Yes, no, it's a flip..." "It's a forward move." ""Camille, this crisp is so delicious." "Is there nutmeg in it?"" "He's just such a little..." "A little what?" "You know, seriously, if just one girl had actually had a crush on you, you wouldn't be freaking out." "I did." "Well, Crosby, you seem to forget about Lisa Rainford who stalked me my entire junior year." "Who's that?" "I remember her sister Judy, who I snuck into the merry-go-round with at Tilden Park." "Oh, man, what a party." "You hooked up in the merry-go-round?" "Yeah, I hooked up on the merry-go-round." "How could you focus?" "Weren't you afraid of getting..." "SARAH:" "Wait a minute." "...arrested?" "You didn't hook up on the merry-go-round?" "(STUTTERING) Everybody hooked up on the merry-go-round, even Adam." "What?" "Okay, well, my fear of jail outweighed my desire to hook up in a spinning cup." "What are you saying, I squandered my youth?" "I was just a rule follower?" "I was just studying for stupid tests?" "I didn't say that, but I agree with that." "I was just saying it was a good place to hook up." "Amber's a really good writer." "SARAH:" "Really?" "Yeah, you didn't read this?" "No, I just took the "A" at face value." ""The pivotal character, Caddy, is seen only through the gaze" ""of her brothers and only in silhouette," ""running, vanishing, forever elusive," ""forever out of reach, a reflection of their desires."" "That was nice." "Yeah, you like that?" "Whitman-esque." "Yeah." "Uh..." "CROSBY:" "Gentle breeze." "Wait a minute." "This is not Amber's paper." "This is my paper, from high school." "Amber copied my paper." "What?" "(LAUGHS)" "That's impossible." "She got an "A"." "CROSBY:" "I copied the same paper three years later." "Bitch." "Hello?" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Look what I found in the attic." "Oh, it's my old paper on The Sound and the Fury." "Are you kidding me with this?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "It's just that the book was so confusing, and..." "Oh, no." "I just found that." "It was just laying there, and Mr. Cyr is really, really hard." "Well, I can only imagine, then, what his reaction is going to be when I tell him that you did not write this paper." "Wait, what?" "No, no, no." "You can't tell him." "Can't you just..." "Can't you just punish me, please?" "No, I can't punish you, because I ran out of good punishments for you in Fresno." "We'll have to see what he comes up with." "Good night." "Wait." "But... (SIGHS)" "Hi, there." "Hey." "Thank you so much." "I just needed to, uh, talk to you today about Amber's paper." "Oh, cool." "I'm..." "I'm glad you read it." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah, I read it." "It's one of the most original, insightful papers I've ever read." "Really?" "Yeah." "I mean, what she wrote about, um, Caddy's evolution, from a girl who loved climbing trees to promiscuous teen, was really moving." "You didn't find it, uh, over the top or misguided like another teacher might?" "No, no." "I mean, I..." "Well, I love it when my students think outside the box." "It's what makes the whole thing worth it." "Hmm." "That and the free cafeteria food." "God, is that good?" "It's so good." "With a ladle." "I eat all my food out of ladies." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "You know, there aren't that many parents that take this kind of interest." "So, no wonder Amber's so special." "She obviously gets it from you." "Um, well, look, uh, college applications are right around the corner and if, for what it's worth, I'd love to write her a recommendation." "I mean, really?" "Yeah." "You think she could go to college?" "Yeah, no question." "Wow." "Is there anything else you want to talk to me about?" "No." "Well, nice to see you." "Nice to see you." "Oh, gosh!" "I am late for work." "Okay." "So, I'll be going there." "I'm a bartender at Whiskey Mike's." "(STAMMERING) Why am I telling you that?" "I guess, you know what, I'm trying to impress you." "It worked." "Okay." "I'll see you around, Sarah." "I hope so." "I mean, okay, bye." "Oh, can I try some?" "Sure, sweetie." "Hey, you know what I was thinking?" "Next time you and Harmony have a play date, you should be the princess." "But, I don't even want to be the princess." "Well, you've never tried it." "You're going to love it." "And you know, I bet you," "Harmony would love to have a little break, too." "(SIGHS) Okay, but I might kind of forget." "Why don't we come up with a code word?" "All right, to help you remember." "Okay." "Yeah." "How about "tiara"?" "Okay, "tiara."" "Good." "Hey, kiddo, what are you reading about?" "Stink bugs." "Great." "Well, what do you say we head outside and toss the ball around a little bit?" "No, thanks." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "Oh, uh, hey, Adam." "It's me, Drew." "Oh, Drew." "Hi." "Hey." "Um, hey, I just wanted to let you know you left your baseball gear here yesterday, so..." "Oh, okay." "I'll get it next time I come over." "Yeah, uh, well, also, I mean, if you want to practice again, today I'm free." "Oh, okay." "Hey, Max, it's Drew." "He wants to know if you want to play some ball." "Sure." "All right, Drew." "It sounds like we've got a plan." "All right, yeah." "Yeah, bye." "Ready?" "Ow." "All right, ready?" "All right, keep that glove down now, all right?" "Hit." "All right, remember to keep those knees bent now." "Keep that glove down." "Get it!" "Get it!" "Come on, Max!" "All right." "Can I go get a drink of water?" "Yeah, just hustle back, okay?" "All right, Drew, you ready?" "Are..." "Are you ready?" "What?" "Yeah." "All right, let's see what you got." "All right, pretend that didn't happen, Drew." "What was that?" "Look away." "Pretend that didn't happen, buddy." "All right." "All right!" "That's what I'm talking about." "Good stuff." "Did you see that?" "Let's see, are you ready?" "Let's see what you got." "Let's see what you got." "Get under it!" "Yeah!" "Nice." "Come on." "Hey, you." "Hey." "Just wondering why you didn't come into work today." "Oh, uh, they cancelled the session." "Yeah, but there's still stuff to do, and you usually stop by and..." "I just started noticing that maybe you've been laying a little low, since our visit with Doctor Gerard." "Have I?" "But he kind of freaked me out, too." "(CHUCKLES) Was it that he wants all three of us to have a kid together?" "Oh, God, I know." "But, you know, I've been thinking, and it's not like three years is that far away." "And, you know, we're in a good place, right?" "Yeah, we are." "And I know that's not our deal, which I will honor." "But there's really nothing holding us back from starting right now." "So, if you're willing, so am I." "Well, what did he say?" "Was he mad?" "Was he upset?" "Was he sad?" "Well?" "What happened?" "I didn't tell him." "Because he's so cool, right?" "No, not 'cause he's so cool." "Because he believes in you." "And for some stupid reason, so do I." "You'd better not let us down." "I totally won't." "You owe me a paper on The Sound and the Fury." "Wait..." "And it better be original and insightful and moving." "Hey, hope you don't mind, I borrowed Drew for a little while." "Hey, that's okay." "Hey, Drew, see you tomorrow at the ballpark, a little batting practice." "Yeah." "Here." "But..." "It's yours." "Well, just take good care of it." "Keep it oiled." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Bye, Drew." "Thanks, bye." "(WHISPERING) Okay, okay, okay." "Hey." "Hey." "(CHUCKLES) Um..." "Jabbar is actually out at a sleepover, right now." "Well, I actually..." "I didn't know you were coming by." "...came to talk to you, so..." "Oh, okay." "Um..." "I want to get a paternity test." "You know, for Jabbar." "What?" "Well, I'm just..." "I'm trying to make some big life decisions, and my little sister, who acts like she's older than me, but isn't..." "Anyway, she's a lawyer and she says that I should know for sure." "So, you think I'm lying?" "No, no, no, no." "I just need to know exactly what my, uh..." "What did she say?" "Exactly what my responsibilities are financially and legally speaking." "I didn't introduce you to him to try and hit you up for money, or to pull some scam, or whatever it is you and your sister think I'm up to." "I just wanted my son to know his father." "That's all." "Yeah, I don't..." "Listen, (SIGHS) This was a mistake." "Yeah, it was." "Can we just rewind and forget about this conversation?" "No, you know what, actually, you just need to go." "Okay, you just need to go." "All right, look, hey, wait!" "What?" "Are Jabbar and I still on for the zoo tomorrow?" "I don't think so." "You don't think so." "All right, that was..." "That was great." "(SIGHS)" "(HADDIE LAUGHING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "I don't know." "It's so random. (GIGGLES)" "KRISTINA:" "Hey, Haddie?" "Mom?" "Mom." "What's all the..." "Whoa, Kristina, looking good." "(EXHALES)" "Hey, Steve." "Um, you know what," "Haddie has to log off the computer." "Oh, yeah, no problemo." "Uh, T. T. Y.L." "You know the rule." "No computer after 10:00." "No, actually, you guys said the phone." "I don't think that the "Braverman Taliban" has outlawed the computer." "Okay, whatever." "You broke the spirit of the rule, of the phone with the computer." "Whatever." "Haddie!" "Do not walk away from me when I'm talking to you." "What's going on?" "You know what, maybe you guys could learn a few parenting tips from Steve's parents." "Rule number one being, "Give your kids just a little bit of privacy."" "Hey, you know what, Haddie?" "(DOOR BANGS SHUT)" "You all right?" "No, I'm not." "I hate Steve's parents." "I hate them." "Yeah, me, too." "JULIA:" "Hey, did you talk to Jasmine about the paternity test?" "Hey, yeah, I did." "And, man, it went great." "Good." "You want me to set up an appointment with my guy for you and Jabbar?" "Oh, no, no, you don't have to go to all that trouble." "Uh, because thanks to you telling me how to live my life," "Jasmine now thinks I'm a giant jackass, and doesn't want me anywhere near Jabbar." "Oh, and Katie's going off the pill tomorrow, too." "So, that's great news." "Wow, well, I don't know how all of that is exactly my fault, but don't you think that, that's suspicious?" "That Jasmine freaked out when you brought up the test." "Yeah, or maybe it's because I basically called her a liar." "You just want to know the truth." "Yeah, and she said I was the father." "And then refused to let you corroborate that." ""Corroborate"?" "Did you just really use that word in a normal conversation?" "Cros, just find something that has Jabbar's DNA on it." "Oh, come on." "Just find a comb with a few strands of hair, a tissue, a cup he drank out of." "All right?" "A sample of saliva or hair." "My guy will run the test." "Mmm-hmm." "And then we know for sure?" "And then you'll know for sure." "And the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be to find out, no matter which way it goes." "Pot roast." "Just so you know..." "Yeah?" "Today, on me." "Break a decades-old tradition?" "Why start now?" "I'm trying to be nice, 'cause you're being so nice about Drew." "Are you kidding me?" "I should be thanking you." "He's a great kid." "Seriously." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Tell you what, if you really want to thank me, you can help me figure out what to do about Yo-Yo and Haddie." "He's constantly touching her." "(GROANS) Well, I don't know." "Don't ask me." "Amber just makes out in a car like a normal teenager." "I swear, this kid's got, like, eight hands." "Well, maybe it's a compliment, you know." "He's showing you how comfortable he feels around you." "Well, that is exactly the opposite of how I want him to feel." "He's like "Gropey Groperson."" "Hey, maybe the more they do it in public, the less they do it in private." "It's just a theory." "It's not helping." "Hey, where's Crosby?" "I keep calling him, he doesn't call me back." "I don't know, he's just busy doing Crosby stuff, I guess." "Like what?" "There's nothing going on." "It's just..." "You're the worst liar." "All right, look, this is big news, okay?" "(GASPS)" "Crosby has a son." "(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Shut up." "I thought you were actually telling me something." "I'm serious." "Listen to me, he has a five-year-old boy named Jabbar." "There's no way you could make up that name." "I'm serious." "He has a little boy, okay?" "Since when?" "Since five years ago." "No, since when have you known?" "Mmm, a couple of weeks." "A couple of weeks?" "Don't make it about the fact that you haven't known..." "How could you keep that from me?" "You're the worst liar in the family." "He asked me not to tell anybody." "And you actually did that?" "It's a big deal." "I can't believe you've known this." "Would you get over it?" "You know now." "I can't believe you didn't tell me." "Don't hit me." "RACQUEL:" "And I got the organic kiwis." "Harmony won't eat the conventionally grown ones." "Oh." "Pomegranate juice?" "Oh, no thanks, I'm fine." "Sydney, "tiara."" "Um, Harmony, can I try to be the princess this time?" "But I'm always the princess." "But maybe I can try being the princess this time." "Okay." "HARMONY:" "What do you want to do?" "I don't know." "Maybe you want to tell your subjects there's a ball." "Um, there's going to be a ball." "I don't want to go to a ball." "Balls are boring." "Yeah, I thought so, too." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "HARMONY:" "Hey, do you know what?" "I think the maid's really a Queen who's been working undercover." "And now, she's staging a coup." "How do you know what a coup is?" "My mom told me that's what happened in Thailand when everyone got tired of the king." "She's fascinated by Southeast Asia." "Oh." "She couped me, Mommy." "And I didn't even want to be the princess." "It's okay, sweetie, I know." "I know." "We can't make our children into people they're not." "Thanks." "That's very Buddhist." "Hey, has anybody seen the bat?" "(TV PLAYING)" "What's up, Adam?" "We're just watching a movie." "Oh, well, don't you guys have any homework to do?" "No, all done." "(SIGHS)" "Hey, have either of you seen a baseball here on the sofa?" "No." "You sure?" "Because I could swear..." "Dad, what are you doing?" "It's just us." "I'm sorry." "(CHUCKLES)" "No, no, no." "We would know if we were..." "Because you can't play baseball without the ball." "So, just can't find it." "I guess I must have left it in the car." "Hmm." "So..." "All right, Max, let's get in the car." "It's time to go play some ball." "But today is Saturday." "Uh-huh." "You promised me last week that we could go to Yogurtland on Saturday." "Well, today, we're working on our batting with Drew." "But it's Saturday." "Yeah, I know." "We're supposed to go today." "You said we were going to Yogurtland on Saturday." "Listen, Max, we can go after." "They're going to be closed after." "Look, Max, okay, look, if you can just hold off..." "You said we were going today!" "Listen, okay..." "You said we were going to Yogurtland on Saturday!" "Max, Max..." "Hey, Adam, if you want, I could totally take him." "I'll take him." "All right, Max, come on." "Let's, uh..." "Let's go to Yogurtland." "Come on." "Kristina!" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Hey." "Hey, Drew, it's Uncle Adam." "Listen, we're not going to be able to make practice today." "I'm sorry." "Uh, oh, yeah, okay." "It's just..." "I'd promised Max we were going to have yogurt today and..." "Dad!" "Dad!" "...it's a long story." "Yeah, it's fine." "We can just, um..." "You're passing it!" "Dad!" "I know." "I have to park." "You just missed a spot, Dad." "Right there!" "Drew, I gotta go." "Right there!" "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call you later." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Hello." "Hello." "How are you?" "Great, glad you could make it." "Oh, and pass up an opportunity for free pancakes?" "Are you crazy?" "Well, I don't know about that." "Thank you." "Wait, you're reneging already on the pancakes." "Well, we'll just see." "Well, let me see, I'll tell you." "What's new with you?" "Mmm, nothing." "Nothing?" "Hmm." "Oh, my God." "Julia told you that I have a son." "Julia knows." "Adam told you?" "Julia knows?" "This, you know..." "I'm the last to know?" "I mean..." "I'm sorry, okay." "I'm... (STAMMERING) It's kind of a major situation." "I know." "And I don't know, a bit of a conundrum..." "You're right." "And normally, I would tell you." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Congratulations." "I mean, are you..." "Is it a congratulations?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "I mean, at first, no." "But, yeah..." "Yeah." "I like him." "You do like him?" "Yeah, you will, too." "That's lucky." "I know." "Well, he could have been a dud." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "That's amazing." "Yeah." "What's he like?" "Um, he's really sweet." "And he's kind of quiet." "And he's got a really cute smile." "And he's got really cute curly hair." "I know." "It's the worst." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Did you tell Katie?" "Mmm, no." "No." "No?" "What about the can of sperm and Katie?" "No, you got to tell her." "You're all grown up now." "There's no canister of sperm anymore." "She wants my kid, like now." "Then you're really going to have to tell her." "Mmm, I don't know..." "Crosby, you guys are talking about having a child, and you have one already." "You have to tell her." "Look, what if I tell her, and then she doesn't want anything to do with me?" "You got to leave that up to her, you know?" "You have to do the right thing." "I don't really want these anymore." "One chocolate with only yellow MMs." "And one non-fat, sugar-free Heath bar with extra Oreo." "Yes, I am fully aware of the irony of my order, honey." "Don't make fun." "You're telling me that you seriously just didn't like the movie?" "It shouldn't be called Love Actually, it should be called "Lame Actually."" "It was just a bunch of people gazing at each other longingly." "It was totally romantic." "STEVE:" "No, it was totally superficial." "I can't believe you couldn't see that." "HADDIE:" "I can't believe that you're just being such a jerk right now!" "(WHISPERS) Hey." "Oh, really?" "I'm a jerk?" "How am I being a jerk by having my own opinion?" "My bad." "Okay, you know what?" "Your bad." "You can leave." "Fine." "Fine." "(DOOR OPENING)" "KRISTINA:" "Haddie, are you all right?" "Yeah, um, we're just, um..." "He's..." "He's just not who I thought he was." "(CRYING)" "Oh, Haddie." "Crap." "This may be the best moment of my life." "You're rotten." "So, how did "Operation Dethrone Harmony" go?" "It was a disaster." "Yeah?" "Harmony wouldn't abdicate?" "No, Sydney hated being the princess." "Well, there's nothing wrong with staying a member of the proletariat." "It's my fault, too." "I made her do it." "I'm such a control freak, aren't I?" "All right, this is where you say, "No, you're not," ""you were just trying to teach your daughter to stand up for herself."" "Does telling me exactly what I should say make you feel like less of a control freak?" "(SCOFFS) All right, fine, fine." "This is who I am." "I am going to accept it." "I'm a control freak." "I don't do anything spontaneous, like hook up on the merry-go-round in Tilden Park." "(CHUCKLES) No!" "That's still bothering you?" "No, it's..." "Oh, come on!" "...not." "Come on." "You're very crazy." "You do crazy stuff." "I do?" "Yes." "Yes." "We're very wild." "We went on that river rafting trip." "Remember, there were..." "There were rapids?" "There weren't rapids." "There weren't rapids, but there was a current, you know." "It was a very strong current. (CHUCKLES)" "(SIGHS)" "I'm going to go check for a pulse." "Come on." "No, come..." "We went on a parasailing trip for our honeymoon!" "That was..." "Well, I went on it." "But you were right on the shore, cheering me on." "(GUNS FIRING ON VIDEO GAME)" "No, thanks, I got it." "You know, if you're going to make me read this incomprehensible book, the least you could do would be to ask Luke Skywalker to turn down the volume." "What are you doing here?" "I thought you were playing ball with Uncle Adam." "Yeah, he canceled." "I don't know, he had to take Max to get ice cream or something." "I don't know." "Ice cream?" "What do you mean?" "You guys had a plan." "Yeah, I don't know." "(SIGHS)" "Well, what about the environmental implications of dumping this much estrogen into the bay?" "Don't worry, it's very low dosage." "Okay, goodbye to all the devices, and barriers, and hormones that I've been using all these years to avoid getting pregnant." "And hello to, cross my fingers," "I hope I'm not jinxing anything, a little, mini" "Katie-Crosby being." "Um, listen, before you throw this into the bay, and sterilize all the fish, I got to tell you something." "I have a son." "What?" "I have..." "I have a son." "I had a fling five-and-a-half years ago with his mother, and a month-and-a-half ago, she moved back to Berkeley and introduced me to him." "His name's Jabbar." "Um, wow." "I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about it." "You know..." "I was just trying to get to know him." "And I didn't know what the right time..." "Was this the little boy that you brought to the studio?" "Yes, that was him." "You didn't introduce him to me." "No, I did not." "I didn't introduce him to you." "You know, it was..." "It was confusing." "I don't know what..." "Well, I'm sure it was confusing, but you've also been sneaking around, and hiding him, and..." "And keeping him from me for over a month." "I'm sorry I didn't tell you right off the bat." "But you've been a little bit psycho about this whole baby thing." "Psycho?" "That's what you call wanting to have a baby is?" "Because I thought that was something that we both really wanted." "I didn't mean to..." "No, you know, I can't keep pushing you." "It's not fair to either of us." "(SIGHING) You can't answer the question why you blew Drew off?" "Well, it's not that simple, Sarah." "It's not that hard, Adam." "You'd said you'd meet him at the baseball diamond, just meet him at the baseball diamond." "Look, at some point in the distant past," "I had promised Max that I would take him to Yogurtland this afternoon." "I forgot about it, he didn't." "And you can't just change plans on Max, because he falls apart." "He's not the only kid who has been dealt a rough hand." "I know." "All Drew has done his whole life is sit around and wait for his father to show up." "Wait for him at school, wait for him after soccer, wait for him on whole weekends that were his weekends to take them, and he would never show up!" "And the last thing he needs is another half-assed father figure!" "Half-assed?" "(SIGHS)" "I would have loved to have gone to the ballpark this afternoon." "It was because of your son that I got to go to the ballpark in the first place." "And these last few days have been great, playing ball with those boys." "It was almost like" "Max didn't have a situation." "And that's what was so hard about this afternoon." "I'm sorry." "(SIGHING) The last couple days," "it was almost like Drew had a father." "Thanks to you." "He's a good ballplayer." "Really?" "Mmm-hmm." "Prepare to be whisked away." "Hi, honey." "Your mother is watching Sydney tonight." "I have a brief due in the morning." "Don't worry, I've got it all under control, so you don't have to." "Oh, boy." "Come on." "Come." "(CHUCKLES)" "(FENCE RATTLING)" "They're closed." "Yeah, that's the point, Jules." "That way we have the whole pool to ourselves." "I mean, that's trespassing." "Is it?" "No, I mean, it's a misdemeanor." "Oh, my God." "Well, what?" "They could charge us with breaking and entering, and then something more." "They could." "They probably could." "Joel." "We could get into a lot of trouble, wouldn't we?" "Here, come on." "Come on, Braverman." "God." "Hey." "Hey." "Amber didn't drive you to drink, did she?" "Oh, no, no." "Not exactly." "But, um, I will have a beer." "Yeah." "Something in an ale." "Sure." "I'm gonna have to see your ID though, bar policy." "Oh, okay." "Uh-huh. (CHUCKLES) Oh, really?" "Please don't hold the eyebrow piercing against me." "It was a drunken college dare." "1983." "Yup." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "So..." "So, uh," "Amber told me about the paper." "Oh, she did?" "I'm really impressed." "I couldn't tell you." "And her new paper wasn't half bad, either." "It doesn't seem like something that came off the Internet, does it?" "(CHUCKLING) No, no, no." "It sounded just like Amber." "There's not a lot of downloaded papers that use the word "suck"" "with such frequency." "(LAUGHING) Wow." "It was good." "That's great." "I'm..." "I'm proud of her." "Of course, it wasn't, uh, nearly as captivating and insightful as that first paper." "So, an eyebrow piercing, hmm." "Hmm." "It begs the question, tattoos?" "No, no, no." "No tattoos." "(CRINKLING)" "Hey." "Hey." "Jabbar left this at my place last time." "And I was going to take it to my sister's DNA guy, but then I thought" "Jabbar's oral hygiene is a lot more important than that, so..." "(SIGHS) I get it." "I get it." "You know, we don't really know each other very well." "And I just dropped this thing right on your lap." "You have every right to want to know for sure." "Yeah, I know for sure." "I know." "But let's just take the test anyway." "Let's make your annoying sister happy." "That's impossible, but..." "We can try." "...we can try." "JULIA:" "If they prosecute me for trespassing with criminal intent, that's considered a felony." "Uh-huh." "I could be disbarred." "Ah." "I don't even want to think about what kind of fine or jail time that entails..." "I wouldn't." "You would have to go back to work." "(GROANS)" "Which would mean there's no one to watch Sydney, because I'm in jail, so..." "And..." "No, no, no, no, no, no!" "(LAUGHING)" "(JULIA SCREAMING)" "(LAUGHING)" "Chocolate chip pancakes?" "Mmm-hmm." "Just trying to, you know, cheer Haddie up after everything that happened with Steve yesterday." "(CELL PHONE BEEPING) HADDIE:" "Oh, my God." "Stop." "Mmm." "She seems to be taking it pretty well." "Hey, Haddie." "Morning." "Hi." "Who are you texting?" "Steve." "Hmm?" "Oh." "I know." "Um, he totally admitted that he was wrong about Love Actually." "Oh." "Really?" "Mmm-hmm." "The movie really shut him down because he's been afraid to care about somebody the way that Mark cares about Keira Knightley, like, till now." "And he was just masking his vulnerability with cynicism." "That's cute." "I know." "That's cute." "He's really sensitive." "Oh." "That's nice." "(CELL PHONE BEEPING)" "(CHUCKLES) What'd he say?" "What?" "What is it?" "What'd he say?" "What's he saying?" "Nothing." "Oh, okay." "All right, well, what are we going to do about this?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "Nothing." "It is what it is and there's nothing we can do about it." "Well, can I still hate the guy?" "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "KRISTINA:" "Pay attention, Max!" "Come on, Max!" "Max, please." "Get under it!" "Come on, Max!" "Got it!" "I got it!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Drew!" "Drew!" "Aw, come on."