"Jeez." "What are you doing in there?" " What in the world was that?" " What?" "What, do you got seabiscuit in there with you?" " What?" " That was crazy." " Oh, yeah." " I never heard a..." "A stream like that. " "Yeah, I'm taking this new pill." "That is, like, not human, that sound." "It's got some backsplash too." "I gotta be careful." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "All right, so..." "Anyway, it seems like meg ryan is just not gonna work, because her schedule is too busy" " and we're not gonna get her." " Work?" "Work for what?" "For george's ex-wife." "But lisa kudrow" "I think would also be great." " She's a great actress." " Great actress." "But I think you want..." "I think you want to go with an unknown for this part." " Why?" " Because you believe that it's real." "What's real got to do with what we do?" "Well, when george's ex-wife calls him from the plane, right?" "And, uh..." "He's got the tivo guy there..." " Mm-hmm?" " ..." "That happened to me" " with cheryl." " Uh-huh." "Cheryl should play this part." "Cheryl!" "Maybe somebody that looks like cheryl, that's an idea." " No, but she..." " What about renee zellweger?" "But cheryl, she's unknown and she lived this part." " And she's an actress!" " So the person that it happens to" " is the best actor?" " What else do you want?" "You think nixon could have been nixon in "frost/nixon"?" " Nixon's not an actor." " Neither is cheryl." " She is." " All right, let's have her read." "She can read." "Maybe she'll get it." " I'm open to it." " You're open to it." " Yes." " Hey, guys, here's the latest scripts." " There you go." " Thank you very much." "And, oh!" "Reminder..." "You have lunch with richard lewis," " both of you." " Okay, thanks." "What is that?" "Yeah, that air conditioner is..." "I don't know." " It's making noise up there." " Oh, I'll get it." "Oh, here we go." "Don't worry about it." "I used to do this for my mom all the time." "Oh, yep, hang on." "There we go." "It smells like a rattlesnake is in there." "Oh, there..." " Does that sound better?" " Yeah, it's a little better." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "There we go." "All right, you guys need anything else?" " Are you good?" " No, we're good." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." " Okay, thanks, maureen." " Yeah." "I can't take it anymore." " How can she walk around like that?" " Every day." "Every day, every day." "We have to make a change." "We can't." "Julia got her the job." "We can't fire her." " We have to talk to her." " Oh, okay." "You need to talk to her about her clothing." " I..." "I can't do that." " What are you talking about?" "I can't..." "I can't do it." "Why not?" " I don't want to." " Do you think I want to?" " I don't want to." " You have to." " I have to?" " Yes." "Are you crazy?" "You do it." "No, but you..." "It's the kind of thing you do so well." " I do well?" " Yes!" "Are you nuts?" "This is your forte." " No no no no no." " Yes yes yes." "You're smart and eloquent, that's what you are." "This is not a call for eloquence." "This is a call for charm, for, you know, lightness and breeziness." "That's you." "You're really the boss." "You're the star of the show." "She'd really respect it coming from you." "I'm white glove." "White gloves, larry." "I don't do those things." "When we did the show, you were the one who did this stuff." "Remember the cook?" "How you told her she was using too much mayonnaise?" " You did that!" " I know." "And she came back the next day duly chastened, fixed the tuna, fixed the egg salad." "I know, but mayonnaise is not personal." "The mayonnaise is as personal to the chef as her flabby stomach is to her." "So how are we gonna decide who's..." "I'm not doing it." "We'll choose." " Odds even." " One takes." " One takes." " What do you got?" " Odds." " You got odds?" " I got evens." " Okay." " One two three..." " Shoot!" "I win." "Do it." "Okay, thank you." "Bye." " Hey, larry." " Hey." " What's going on?" " Not too much." " Yeah?" " Jerry and I were just talking." "Mm-hmm." "And..." "We kind of have a little bit of a problem..." "Oh no." "...with the, uh..." "The bare midriff." "What..." "With my shirt?" "This is all exposed and the stomach..." "If it's not too much trouble..." " Uh-huh. - ..." "Maybe you could start wearing longer shirts?" " What do you think?" " Okay." " I see, okay." " What?" " It's because I'm a woman." "I understand." " No!" " I didn't think you were like that, larry," " but I guess you are." " I'm not like that!" "No, I'm not." "Because if a man was wearing this, you wouldn't go out and say anything to him." "Even if it was a man, I wouldn't want to see that." ""that"?" "What is "that," larry?" "Well, that." "You know." " Why do you keep doing this?" " Do i?" " Yes." " Oh." " Um, I don't know." " What is the problem, larry?" " Are you offended by my body?" " Not at all, not at all!" "But it's not really appropriate attire for an office." "Okay, so you want me to wear, like, a burka?" "Not a burka, but something in-between this and a burka." "Do you know that I have lost 68 lbs in two years?" " That is fantastic." " Thank you." " I'm so happy for you." " I'm very proud of it and I want to flaunt what I've got." "You can flaunt 2/3 of the day outside of the office." "And then you got 1/3 non-flaunt." "Do you have to flaunt 24 hours?" "Why not take a break in the flaunt?" "Why would I need to take a break in the flaunt?" "There's something about being a little mysterious..." ""oooh, what's under that?" "Hey, look at that woman." "What has she got under there?" " What's going on with that one?" - you know what, larry?" "I don't need this, okay?" "I quit." "I'm sorry." " You're gonna quit?" " Yeah, I can't do it, larry." " I'm not gonna do this stuff for you anymore." " No, I understand." " I completely understand." " I'm not going on vitamin runs." " I'm not gonna go buy your socks for you anymore." " Yeah, I'll buy my own socks." "That's fucking ridiculous." "I'm out of here." " Seriously?" " Yes, I'm gone, larry!" "Done!" "I cannot believe she's gone." "I thought maybe she would change what she wore." "But I never thought we could be done with her completely." "But isn't that really why you sent me in?" "I mean, were you thinking of it somewhere in the back of your mind?" " I was hoping, yeah." "I was thinking..." " That I would mishandle that" " and it would lead to something terrible?" " I thought, "this bulvan will walk in there and in two minutes she'll be out in a huff." That's what I thought." "Hey, come on, man!" " Just pulling out like that!" " Idiot!" "What's he doing?" "You got something you want to say to me, cuntface?" " Huh?" " Hey, look, I'm sorry." "I didn't see you pull out." "I'm sorry." "Learn to fucking drive, you fuck!" " Honking's very dangerous." " Yeah." "I try never to honk." "Only in dire emergencies." "So you just wait if someone's in front of you, the light has turned..." " Yeah." "Yeah." " Nothing?" "You just sit behind them and wait?" " Can you do a little..." "Huh?" " The gentle honk?" " Yeah." " Yeah." " The throat clear." " The most I could do" " is a gentle honk." " Exactly." " "Hello, excuse me."" " Do you have that technique?" " I do a great excuse me." " It's a language." " It's a lang..." "Absolutely." " Yeah." " By the way." " What?" "How many napkins does a person need to get through a sandwich?" "I don't know." "I use a lot of napkins." " Always." "Every meal." " You should bring a bath towel to eat." " That's what you should bring." " Hey, guys, I'm so..." " Hey!" " Hey hey, man, good to see you." " How are you?" " Long time." "Good to see you." " What do you like to do?" " I don't know what you do." " Plea..." "Yeah." "We..." "We ordered." "We couldn't wait." "I can see." "But I'm..." "Can i..." "I want to eat something." "I'm famished, so..." "You know, can I..." "I'm starved." " Move over." " I'm starved." " You should..." "You know." " What?" "No, you." "What's going on?" "Can I sit down?" "Come on, scootch over." "How many years you guys..." "You know this guy?" "You're close friends." "Right, I know him longer so he should sit over there, because I'm actually gonna be talking to him more than you so I should have eye contact with him as opposed to turning around and straining my neck." "You know, I'm a lefty." "I can't..." "It'll be to your right." "It works to your advantage." "Look, the only reason you want me to slide over is because you want" " the luxury suite." " Of course I want the luxury suite." " You want the luxury suite too." " Yes, I do." "You're right, you're right, I do." "But you..." " Hey, where'd he go?" " Oh my god." " What the hell?" " I'm fucking angry at you." "Hi, guys. hi!" " Hi." " I was just on the lot." " I thought I'd come by and say hi." " Hi, cheryl." "Jerry, I wanted to thank you so much." " Oh." " This is gonna be so great." "Thank you for giving me the part in the "seinfeld" reunion." " The...?" " The part on the reunion show?" " You know." " Oh." " So..." " I am so excited about it" " and I wanted to thank you personally." " Oh, well, i'm..." "I..." "I can't believe it." " I can't either!" " Why don't..." "I'll go meet you upstairs." " Okay." " All right." "I'll see you upstairs." "Go..." "Why don't you go up?" "All right." " I'll see you later." " Okay." " I got an odd, um..." " No." "...vibe from him. no?" "no." "You know, the only thing is you prob..." "Um..." "You're kinda gonna have to..." " Audition, yeah." " I have to audition for this part?" " I thought you said I had it." " No, you do have it." " You do have it, you know." " That's why..." "It's like winning an election but waiting to get sworn in." "So the audition is the swearing in." "It's nothing." " It's a formality." " Formality, yeah." " But I have the part?" " You just show up and read it," " and just..." "You know, he needs to see that..." " Read it?" "...he needs to see that you can read and write, you know, whatever." " All right, well..." " All right, so..." "I'll see you, uh..." "You'll call me and tell me." " Okay." " Right?" "When to come in and..." " Yeah." " ..." "For the formality." " You look good." " Thank you." "I can't believe that you would have the audacity to even..." "To even broach the subject," " to have the gut..." "Okay." " Well, first of all, I didn't do it." "Excuse me, he did it." "Listen, what is this with maureen?" "What..." "What..." "I tried to be very sensitive." "I..." "I did, but she stormed out." "You can't go up to a woman and tell her that her shirt is inappropriate or distracting to you or whatever the hell you said." "It is sexist!" " It's completely sexist." " We would have said that to a man if..." "If there was man flab." " Yeah." " A man wouldn't even dress like that." "Women dress like that." "That's the look for the..." " ..." "Young girls." " Yeah, for your swinging, sexy l.a. Scene that you live in." " We don't live in that world." " What are you talking about?" "He lives in los angeles." "Who do you think you are?" "He lives in his own mind." "He doesn't know anything about it." "The point is this..." "There's lots of men that we talked about hiring" " that we wouldn't hire for various reasons..." " Absolutely!" "Yeah, what about the guy we didn't like because he was veiny?" " Yeah, there was the veiny guy." " Yeah." "That first a.d. From "evening shade" had foamy mouth." " We didn't hire him." " He was bubbly." "I can't work with somebody who's bubbly." "Guys, I think you've forgotten that maureen's mother was our nanny for years and years and she helped me with the girls." "Okay, she is very mentally unstable and right now she's going through a very rough time." "All right?" "Her daughter getting fired or quitting or whatever it is that happened, it's gonna make her..." "She could be, like, suicidal." " She's suicidal?" " You've got to get maureen back here to work." " Okay?" "You've got to do it." " You really should..." "You should take care of this, larry." "You should." "You need to drive over there right now." " That's what you have to do." "That's right." " Yeah." "Man." " So jerry and I talked, and..." " Mm-hmm." "...we want you to come back." "Want you back." "You want me to come back?" "Yeah." "Well, the whole reason was because you weren't okay with this shirt." "Honestly, I don't even know what I was thinking about." "I'm fine with the shirt." "I'm fine with the whole thing." " The whole..." "The whole..." " What do you mean the whole thing?" " All the whole..." " What is this whole thing?" "What is this?" "You know, whatever's happening there, I'm fine with it." "My stomach?" "What does that mean?" "You know, the protuberance and the whole..." "All of it." " So we're good?" " I mean..." "It's a simple thing, larry." " Perfect world?" " Okay." "Maybe an inch further down, cover up the belly button." "That's all." "Perfect world, perfect world!" "I'd cover that little thing there, the little belly button." "An inch lower." "You know, but belly button or no belly button, we want you to come back." " Okay." " Good." "I'm glad we talked, larry." " Oh, honey." " Hi, mom." "Hi, honey." "The traffic was unbelievable." "Oh no." " Mom, are you okay?" " Oh my god." "This is my boss." "This is larry." "No, this is not larry." "This..." "You..." "You are the spitting image of my deceased husband tom." "Oh my god." "Oh, I'm having a hot flash." "Oh ho ho." "Seriously?" "I really look like this guy?" " Ohhh." " You look exactly like him." "Wh..." "What..." "Wh..." "What happened to him?" "Oh, it happened so fast." "You know, he was murdered, and..." " We got married..." " Murdered?" "!" "Yes!" "It was 1962." "It was our wedding day." "We were driving down to mexico for our honeymoon..." "¶ don't s nothing bad about my baby ¶" " ¶ oh no ¶ - ¶ don't say nothing bad about my baby ¶" " ¶ I love you so ¶ - ¶ don't say nothing bad about my baby ¶" " ¶ dontcha know?" "¶ - ¶ don't say nothing bad about my baby ¶" " ¶ he's good ¶ - ¶ he's good!" "¶" " ¶ he's good to me ¶ - ¶ he's so good to me ¶" " ¶ that's all I care about ¶ - ¶ I don't care about nothing else!" "¶ that's all I care about." "Ohhh." " Happy, baby?" " I'm so happy." "You ever think you'd get a guy like me?" "No." "I don't think my mom did either." "Yeah." "Are you looking forwar?" "Well, I have to admit that I have been fantasizing a little." " I have a confession to make." " Yeah?" "I don't think I know what I'm doing." "Hey!" " What the hell?" " Just let him go." " What are you doing?" " Just let him go." " Hey, same to you!" " No no." " Uh-huh, yeah!" " Please don't." " Please don't." " Jesus, huh?" " Do not ruin our perfect day." " What a schmohawk." " You bastard!" "Go ahead, pull over." " Just keep going." "You don't pull over." "Just keep driving." " Please, don't get in a fight." " Okay okay." " Don't worry about it." " Please, just..." "Tom!" " What are you doing out here?" " Wait here." "Wait, he's behind you!" "No no no!" " Oh!" " Fucking moron!" "Learn how to fucking drive!" "Learn how to speed the hell up!" "¶ bad about my baby, oh no ¶" "¶ don't say nothing bad about my baby. ¶ and all he did was honk!" "He honked!" " That's unbelievable." " It is." " You can't honk anymore!" "You cannot honk." " Oh, no no." "I'll tell you what else you can't do..." "You can't shush." "No honking, no shushing." "That sound..." "Shh-shh, you know." " It is offensive." "It's startling." " It's awful." "But people don't kill you for shushing." " They kill you for honking." " That part's true." "Let me help you with the groceries." "Let me get these out of your way." "Thank you, dear." "I'm gonna show you a picture of tom." "Because you're not going to believe." "It's uncanny." "Come on, hmm?" " You see it, don't you?" " I'm sorry to say." " What?" " He doesn't look anything like me." " Honestly." " Look, the..." "The..." "The hair, the glasses, everything." " It's the same." "Confirm it." " All bald people do not look alike." "I don't see how you cannot see that." " May I use your bathroom?" " Yeah, second door on the right." "Okay." "oh." " I'm just gonna take off." " Oh, hey, larry." " Hey." " Hey, I'm glad we had that talk." " Yes!" " I feel much better." " Oh, me too, me too." " Thanks for coming over." " So nice meeting you." " You should talk to her." "You know, about the bare midriff and the belly button." " Hello?" " Larry, it's the invisible jew." " Richard lewis, remember me?" " Oh, hey!" " Yeah." " I cannot believe" "I get invited to lunch with you and jerry." "I'm standing there like a putz." "You don't even..." "You don't even make believe I'm there." "What am i, marley's ghost?" "I am so sorry." "You're so right." "I was completely in the wrong there and I truly apologize." "I'll tell you why I felt even doubly shitty, because I went to a memorabilia show the other day and I bought you a present." "Guess what..." "A joe dimaggio bat that he signed that he used in a world series game." " Oh my god, that's so sweet." " That's right." " And I was gonna give it to you." " Oh, that's so sweet of you." "Thank you!" "You know what?" "Keep it on you and you'll give it to me next time I see you." " And next time I'll slide down." " All right." "Fair enough." "All right." " Fine." "All right." " All right." "Hello?" "Where..." "Larry!" "Ehh." "Mom!" "You've got to see this." "Come here, come here!" " Oh oh!" " Oh my god." " What?" " Look at jesus!" "I know!" "All right, what page are we on?" "12." "Let me ask you something." " When you get drop-off calls with a guy... - mm-hmm?" "...you don't call back for an official goodbye, do you?" " No." " Huh?" "I mean, you have your wife rules and you have your friend rules." " Yes." " For the wife, you're always..." "You must be careful not to disturb the exotic bird." " Right." " But what kinda guy?" " I mean, a regular guy?" " Lewis." "oh." "Well, that's different." "Yeah." "Were you in the wind-down phase of the call?" " Total wind-down, yeah. - did anybody say "so" and "all right"?" "Yeah, I mean, there was an "all right."" "In that register?" "That "all right!"" " yeah, I think there was." " That one?" "Okay, well, that's half a goodbye." " Right, it's over." " You don't need the goodbye." " Yeah." " Hey, guys," " can I talk to you for a second?" " Oh, sure, maureen." "Um..." "Oh, gosh, uh..." " Are you all right?" " I'm actually the best I've ever been" " in my life." " Oh, wow." "Um, do I look different to you?" "No, I'm seeing everything I usually see." " Really?" " Yeah." "'cause my whole life has changed." "Yesterday..." "It was actually right after you left, a miracle happened." "I went into the bathroom and I called my mother in because there is a painting hanging up of jesus." "It's beautiful." "And he's got a tear coming down on his face." " Really?" " A real tear that was never there before." " Wow." " Can you believe that?" " That's odd." " It's a miracle!" " He chose us." " Are you sure it wasn't..." "You know, water?" "No no, it was at eye level." "It was..." "There's no way water could get up there." "Have you ever witnessed a miracle like that?" " No." " I mean, can you think of one like that?" "I think every erection is a miracle." "Anyway, I'm sad to tell you guys this, but I..." "I have to quit." " What?" " Ohh!" " I'm sorry, you guys." " Oooh." "It's just my mother and I decided after seeing it we can't just keep it to ourselves, you know?" "We're going to go and buy an r.v. And tour the country and show the whole country our miracle." " It's amazing." " That's wonderful." "And we can't just keep it to ourselves." " We have to share it." " You have to." "Trust your gut, you know." "Thank you so much." "Um, I have to ask you a favor though." " The r.v. That we want to use..." " Yeah?" " ..." "We need a cosigner." "I would normally never..." " You got it!" "Don't even think about it." " That's nothing." " You'll do it?" "!" " Of course." " That is larry david." " Tell her who I am." " Larry "how can I help" david." " Yes." " It would have to be done by 3:00 tomorrow." " Yes yes!" "I'll sign anything." " Really?" " Anything you want, yeah." " I'll see you tomorrow." " Yes!" " Thank you." " Thank you." "Thank you for all the..." " Wonderful." "...the good work." "You splashed him, didn't you?" "I splashed him." "No no, don't worry, maureen." "I'm just getting something to eat." "I'll be at the bank at 3:00 to cosign." "Yes, I will." "All right, i'll see you at 3:00." " Thank you." " Mm-hmm." "Hey you!" "Put the napkins back." " What?" " Only two." "I put two in the bag." "That's plenty." "Two, are you kidding?" "I got a chicken parmesan sub here." "I had a handicapped kid in here yesterday..." "Know how many napkins he got?" " Two!" " What, do they eat differently than the rest of us?" "That's the point." "Two." " What's the point?" " Two napkins." " I don't get the handicapped reference." " Put the napkins back." " What's the handicapped reference?" " Put the napkins back." " Fine." "Here." " Thank you very much." " Okay." " Okay?" "All right." "Thank you very much." " Thank you for your business." " Okay." "Oh god." "Damn it." "Good afternoon, sir." "License and registration, please." "Would you mind telling me what I did, officer?" "Huh?" "I think I was going the speed limit." "Where'd you..." "Where'd you buy that sandwich?" "Enzo's." " He give you any napkins with that?" " Yeah yeah." "Yeah?" "How many napkins they give you?" "Two, they give you two napkins." "What's in the bag?" "Some plastic forks, knives, spoons." "Let me see the bag, please." " I need them!" " Step out of the car, please." "Oh, come on!" "Are you serious?" "What did I do?" "I took some napkins." "I got sauce on my face." " I need napkins to clean the sauce." " Step back of the car, please." " Come on, this is crazy!" " Face the car, please." " We're talking about napkins!" " Put your hands on the car." "So you're sure it's not one of the other guys?" " Just those two?" " No no, I remember the glasses and the bald head." "Bald with glasses for sure." "All right." "Four and six, step forward please." "The rest of you step out to the right." "Okay, what do you think?" " I just can't tell." " Don't know which one it is?" "I'm confused." "I just see bald." "I..." "I don't know." "All right, you're free to go..." "Both of you." "Hey, thanks so much for picking me up at the police station." "I can't believe you missed the signing." "I mean, it's over something so stupid as napkins." "I mean, why do you have to use so many napkins?" "I don't know." "I like a lot of napkins." "Hey, thanks for letting me drive the car, by the way." " It feels good, huh?" " Oh my god, I can't believe you kept it all these years." " Oh yeah." " I'll give you $200 for it." " Oh." " What do you say?" " No no, I couldn't part with it." " Hey!" " Don't honk, don't honk!" " Quiet." " My gosh." " Yeah, pull over!" "Don't stop." "Oh, please, don't stop." " I'll be right back." " No no, don't get out of the car!" " I'll be back in a minute." " Don't get out!" " Hey." " You have a lot of nerve!" " I do?" " You have a lot of fucking nerve." " Why, what did I do?" " What, are you banging some kind of mormon beautician?" " Get out of here." " Who the fuck is that?" " It's a long story." " Let me tell you something, when I called you about that gift, okay, the phones went out." " You didn't call me back!" " I ended our conversation with all right," " then the drop off." " I want an official goodbye." "You can't assume goodbye?" "Our flashback weekend continues back to 1963." "It's the cookies, "don't say nothing bad about my baby. "" "¶ don't say nothing bad about my baby... ¶ i'm gonna give you your gift anyway." "You don't deserve it." " I must just be such a wuss." " That's very sweet of you." " That's so nice of you." " It's beyond sweet." "This is a joe dimaggio bat, by the way." " ¶ don't say nothing bad about my baby... ¶ - uh-oh, oh no." "Behind you!" "The bat, the bat!" " Tom!" " Ohhh!" "¶ don't say nothing bad about my baby... ¶" " so lewis is gonna be okay?" " Yeah." "Unscathed." "That is a tough guy." "But he stayed overnight in the hospital." "I went to..." "I went to go visit him." " Oh, that was nice of you." " Yeah, but he was sleeping" " so I didn't really get to talk to him." " Oh." "I'm thinking that counts as a visit though, wouldn't you say?" " You were there." " I visited." " You did your part." " He can't complain." " Can't complain, no." " Right." " You know what?" "I gotta go pee, so..." " All right." "Maybe tomorrow we'll dress up like kaufman and hart..." "Put on coats and ties, tweed jackets." " Yeah, that's a good idea." " Smoke some cigarettes." "Maybe we'll have a good writing day." "Yeah, then maybe wrestle naked like oliver reed and alan bates." "Shit." "Hey!" "Oh, damn it." "Fuck." " I'll come in and help you with your stuff." " Thanks, mom." "Do you hear that?" "Yeah, what is that?" "I think it's coming over here." " You hear it, right?" " Yes!" " Wow, what the heck is that?" " It's over here." " Oh my god." " Oh, honey, what is..." "What was that?" " What are you doing?" " Larry?" "The..." "The..." "The door was locked." "I" " I..." "How did that even get up here?" "How did that..." " What is it?" " Oh my god." " What?" " That's how jesus..." " That's how..." " Oh no." " No!" " Oh no, you didn't." "You did not do that, larry!" " It's horrible." " You know, it just goes up in the..." "Larry, you sprayed on jesus!" " What can I do?" " I can't believe it." "I'm taking this medication and it's getting all over the place!" "I can't control it!" "The church groups, the tour..." "There was no miracle?" " Sorry." " Mom..." "Mom?" "Where did she go?" " She went that way." " Where did she go?" "!" "Larry!" "Mom?" " What the hell happened to her?" " Like, how far could she have gone?" "I don't know." "I don't get it." " Mom!" " Mrs. Cochran!" "Mom?" "Larry." "Larry!" "Oh my gosh." " Oh, christ." " Let's go..." "Go get her." "Oh no!" "Please..." "Larry." "Oh, larry!" "Hang on, larry." "Hang on!" "Larry." " Hold on." " Ahhhh."