"I am so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Webb." "To know that just a day ago, this... bag of blood and guts was walking around and feeding chickens and... hugging you, and..." "This must be very difficult." "And I want you to know, uh, heh, I attended Harvard University." "I studied Criminology and Forensics." "I graduated number 327 in my class." "And I will use everything I learned to determine how he died, where he died, because don't assume this is it, and most importantly, who did it and why they did it" " and where they were when they did it." " I know what happened." "I can tell you what happened." "And I can tell that you think you know what happened." "Well, she knows what happened." "She know..." "She can tell us what happened." "I don't want to know what she thinks "she saw" happen." "I want science to tell me what actually happened." "That's why I went to Harvard." "Not to just ask me:" ""What happened?" "What happened?" "What...?" No!" "We don't know." "She might be crazy." "She might be an idiot." "My husband is dead and you're calling me an idiot!" "We don't even know that this is your husband yet." " It is my husband!" " So you say!" "Now let me see, okay?" "Now, we don't even know if it's a man." "So let's check that out first." "Okay, that's a man." "That's..." "That's definitely a man." "And I think we're gonna have to say that he is in fact definitely dead." "Especially with this..." "Oh, the hand just came off." "That just came right off." "See that?" "All right, so I'm gonna go with my presentation now." "This man..." "He has a penis." "Who was married..." "He has a ring." "Was dragged, I'm gonna guess by the drag pattern, from that house, which we will have to go over and canvass." " We'll see who lives there." " It's my house." " Good, okay, this is..." " It's a nice house." "And then he was tied up and left out here in the wilderness and was devoured by some wild creature." "I'm gonna go with, based on these tracks, coyotes." "And you can tell by the maggot." "Do you see this maggot here?" "You see that?" "That's a second pupae stage." "That means it's been about a day and a half." "If I had a watch, I would pronounce him dead right now." "His feet are gone." "I'm now ready to hear your eyewitness account." "Cole Younger and his gang came out to the ranch and Cole and I were..." " having relations." " Sexual relations." " Yes." " Okay." "See, that's important." "And my husband came home in the middle of it." "And so him and his gang dragged my husband out to this tree and they tied him to it, and then they set the dogs on him." "That's exactly what I said." " Exactly." " It is." "He got it pretty much right on." "That's..." "That's Harvard." "Great Bend has had how many sheriffs?" " Five." "Well, six with you." " Okay." "And of the five," " what happened to all of them?" " They all died." " They all died." "Okay." " Yeah." "And of natural causes?" "No, unnatural causes, all." "So all five sheriffs were murdered, and yet you were their deputy and you survived." " Yeah." " Okay..." "Um..." "Can you guess my next question?" "Oh, hello, Miss Shaw." "Sheriff Hoyle, you're back again." " Yeah!" " Wanna go upstairs for intercourse?" "No." "Well, maybe later." "I'll have one of your drink specials." "Give me the whiskey skin." "Thank you." "Tangy, right?" "It's..." "It's good to wet my whistle, and, uh... replenish my constitution after this heinous murder scene I was, uh..." "Oh, yeah." "I heard about that murder." "Up at the Webb place." "Yeah, yeah, Mr. Webb met with" " a unseemly death." " Oh, wow." "But as a lawman, this is the kind of thing that I..." " You must see it every day." " All the time." "I mean, this was the first actual, you know, dead body that I've..." "That I've seen that wasn't in an autopsy class, so..." "Would you excuse me for a second?" " What's that?" " Oh, I had to change the Sheriff Death Pool." "Everybody in town has odds on how long you're gonna make it." "The whole town?" "Everybody here is betting on when I'm gonna die?" " Yup." " Excuse me, everybody?" "Could I have your attention, please?" "I have just learned about the Sheriff Death Pool and I just want to share, if I may, my opinion of it." "I find it very hurtful." "I mean, this is a human being that came all the way out here to help who?" "You!" "Help you." "And how do you repay me?" "You know what?" "I think I've had enough of my whiskey..." " skin." " Are you sure?" "Yes!" "And the rest of you, you can forget about the barbecue at my place on Sunday." "No one was coming to your barbecue." "There were a lot of maybes." "A lot of maybes!" "Miss Shaw, I will see you at 8 a.m." "for my morning intercourse." "All right, Mr. Shank, now..." "What we have here is a murder victim." "Or at least that's what we're..." "We're going with so far." "This is Mr. Webb." "And according to evidence gathered on the scene, he was murdered by Cole Younger." "Good, so we should put him in a box, put it in the ground, call it a day." "No, no." "That's, see..." "Maybe I haven't..." "I don't know if you know this, but I attended Harvard University." " I heard." " Okay, you did?" "All right." "And there I studied" "Criminal Science." "Forensics." "Criminology." "Phrenology." "You don't know any of these things." "These are like, "What?" "What?"" " Autopsy." " Okay." "This is going to affect your life deeply." "You are no longer the undertaker of Great Bend, Kansas." "You are now the medical examiner." " No." "No." " Yes." "Yes!" "I like being the undertaker." "It's a very good fit." "I'm telling you, when you tell people you're an undertaker, you don't see this, but as they walk away, they're all, like, "Ugh."" " Really?" " Yes, you're with dead people all the time." "But a medical examiner." "Oh, Mr. Shank." "People like medical examiners." " Women too?" " Yes." "Yes." " Well, tell me how to do it." " Okay." "Now do you see this bulbous area right here?" " See that thing I'm pushing on?" " Yes, I do." "You can't really see it." "Just put your finger there." "Do you feel that?" "That's..." "Wait." "No, that's a testicle that got pushed up." " Right there." "You feel that?" " Yeah, that feels different." "Okay, that's the stomach, and we can fish around with a..." "Uh-oh." "Everybody, get happy!" " I found something." " Don't." "Okay, this is not gross." "This is gold." " Oh!" " Okay." "Just what I thought." "This is a Ben Davis apple." "Ring any bells, deputy?" " Don't ask me..." " Abilene Railroad was recently robbed, and a shipment of Ben Davis apples were stolen." "The deputy and I tracked it to an abandoned ranch and we found some Ben Davis apples." "Now I'm thinking, no, that abandoned ranch is where..." "Cole Younger is hiding out!" "Wait, I..." "I missed a step." "How does Cole Younger...?" " Get an apple in his stomach?" " Yeah." "All right." "Mr. Webb was tied to the tree." "And the wolves are eating." ""Aah!" He's screaming, right?" "What is he doing? "Aah!"" "How do you shut him up?" "You shove something in his mouth." "What's in your pocket?" " A Ben Davis apple." " Ben Davis apple." "I'm telling you." "That abandoned ranch was Cole Younger's hideout." "That's where we're gonna find him." "Okay." "Mr. Shank, I wanna leave the body here." "This is evidence, I'm gonna need it later for the trial." "Well, I can't." "I need to move the body before tonight." "I'm having an open house." "You're the only undertaker in town." "Why would you have an open house?" "Trying to inspire people to pre-register." "Okay, put a sheet over it or something." "Save it." "When I think about it, sheriff, I think maybe..." "Maybe you should be the posse and I should go guard the widow Webb." "Are you just wanting to have sex with the widow Webb?" "Yeah, she's a real..." "A WILF." " A WILF?" " A widow I'd like to fornicate with." " I messed that up." " The W at the end is silent?" " Yeah, I threw another..." " No, no, it'll work." "Eli, there is nothing more I'd like to see than you and the widow Webb having sex." "The point is is that I'm gonna need help taking down Cole Younger." "Now, I know you're probably concerned because we don't have a posse." "But I'm telling you, with my Harvard-trained techniques in guerrilla strategy, we can slip in and take them all out." "See, I was gonna ask if that was the ears on the wall." "Yes!" "Yes, you noticed." " I did." " These are anthropometry ear drawings." "By exploring certain facial features, we, the men of science, can decide whether somebody is inclined to be a criminal" " or a citizen." " How would you know with me?" "There's a brow feature that you have that shows some..." "That you're probably criminally inclined." "I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with me riding out with you with the possibility that at any moment," "I might murder you or become criminally insane." "I'll risk it." "No matter how our brows are shaped," " we still have free will." " Okay." "Let's go kill a whole lot of human beings." " Yeah, let's do that." " All right!" "That's the thing about Cole Younger, though, is he wears a mask." "I know, I've heard, I've heard." "I've seen pictures and accounts." "They say you can see the dark parts of your soul inside of his mask." "No, you can't." "It's possible that he is a demon created at the earth's onset." " What?" " Or something else." "Maybe he just doesn't want people to know who he is." "You ever think about that?" "Wah, wah, wah." " There we go, Vernon." " Okay." " Cough it up." " It seemed like a solid bet at the time." "You always think your bets are solid, but they never quite are." "Well this one was." "I mean, he practically hurt himself putting on his holster this morning." " Oh." "Yeah, I suppose." " I'm gonna go again." "Tuesday or Wednesday." "Look, Vernon, I'm gonna give you some inside information." " Okay." " Hoyle is out there now." "Looking for Cole Younger." " You know that?" " You've talked me into it." "Let's do two..." "Let's do two on..." " Give me two on Tuesday." " Okay, good." "I feel confident." "Okay." " Okay, there it is." "There it is." " I see it." "That's where we found the apples, right?" " Right." " Okay." "So." "Once we get ourselves gathered, we're gonna go in there and we're gonna take them out, okay?" "When we're both in position, if I go like this:" "It means, "Look at what I'm looking at."" " Maybe we should get a posse." " What?" "I'm not riding three days back, try to get a posse, then three days..." "Everything out here is three days' ride." "It's like, I'm so chafed." "I will show you later." "I'll take my pants off." "You will see, because I have eczema." "And it just exacerbates it." "I understand where you're coming from, I'm just saying there's two of us" " and probably more of them." " I know you're nervous." "I know." "Look, I'm nervous for you." " I'm nervous for me." " But we have this." "We have the art of surprise." "Jesus." "Watch out!" " Oh!" " Those are guns!" "Jesus Christ." "We've been ambushed." "All right, I couldn't see how many there were, could you?" "God!" "What are you...?" "Eli, what are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Come here, come here." "Okay, okay, get down." "Who taught you how to shoot like that?" "Well, I just know it naturally." "You're not hitting anything." "You line up the little metal..." "Aah." "The metal thing." "See the little thing on the end here?" "You line that up between, you don't just shoot willy-nilly." " I got this, okay?" " You got what?" "Yeah, I'm taking care of it." "I got a B-plus at the Harvard Gun Club." "Oh, sheriff." "You got a B-plus?" "Yeah, well, it's Harvard, so a B-plus is hard to get, okay?" " Who got the A's?" " Oh, Laozi, he was this" "Chinese boy." "They start them really early." "Shot his mother's earlobe off when he was like 2." "Brutal." " It's very..." "What?" " One more!" " A fellow over there!" " Hold it!" "I surrender!" "I surrender!" "Okay, put your gun down." "Put it down." "Wait, that's too close." "Put it a little bit..." "All right..." "Wait!" "Don't touch it!" "Don't touch it!" " I'm not touching it." " Okay, you move away from the gun, then." "Kick it away from you before you move away." "I'll have to approach the gun to kick it away." "Is that...?" "Okay!" "Approach the gun!" "Don't pick it up!" "Don't even look at it!" "Who is he?" "This is Ephraim Younger, it's Cole's brother." " Hey, Ephraim, it's Eli." " Oh, hey, Eli." " Eli." " Yeah." " Come to the river." "Slow and easy like." " All right." " Watch out." " Oh, this..." "This is not..." " There's no path there." " I wouldn't go there." "There's snakes." " I'm gonna come around this way." " Yes!" "Take the path." "Watch out for ticks." "Oof." " Sorry, Vernon." " Are you really?" "A little bit." "I have not had a run this bad since..." " Since the last sheriff." " Since the last time we did it." "Let me ask you just a point of clarification." "If he were to get bit" " by something or stung by something," " Mm-hm." "But it takes a period of time for the venom to kick in and kill him," " is the winning...?" " No it's actual TOD, time of death." "Not TO..." "Not time of bite." "I just needed to check." "Let's do 10 on..." " So?" " Ten on Friday." " Yup, yup, yup." " All right?" "I feel like I'm getting better at this, don't you?" "I think so, Vernon." "She seems not genuine." "Ephraim, where is your brother?" "That's what I'd like to know." "He was out robbing a stage, Hoyle." "What, just by himself?" "Yeah, sometimes he don't need backup." " Cole's his own army." " Wait." "Sometimes he says, "Hey, everybody," "I'll be back in a little bit." "I'm gonna go rob a stagecoach."" "No, he leaves a note." "It's common courtesy, Hoyle, to leave a note." "I leave notes." " Hey, Hoyle." " Yeah?" " My brother's gonna kill you." " Oh, my God." "Do you like having insides?" "Because those are gonna be outsides." "You know, Ephraim, you've been saying the same thing over and over." "One whiskey skin." "You sure you should be drinking on the job, Hoyle?" "I'll just have a sip." "I just..." "I wanted to come in and, you know, talk a bit." "I really appreciate what you've done for this town." " Really?" " No." "Listen, I think you're doing a real dumb thing here." "Putting Ephraim Younger in jail." "He was involved in a crime and he will do his time." "You know who's gonna be doing their time now?" "Everyone." "Because Cole Younger is a bad, bad boy." "I mean, we're talking a real curly wolf." "He's gonna bust him out, kill you, probably kill a few other people." "And then he is gonna take me upstairs and bed me with such force and such gusto that you'll probably feel it in your grave." "So you should probably enjoy that drink." "Well, if today's my last day, then may I propose something." "If I survive, how would you like to go out on a date with me?" "Off the clock." "You know, just the two of us." "Just, you know, people." "Maybe go up, take a picnic up to the hanging tree." " Are you trying to dicker with me, Hoyle?" " What does that mean, dicker?" " Are you trying to barter services with me?" " No!" "Because I don't barter, it's strictly money." "No, no, I don't want..." "I don't wanna have sex." " Mm-hm." " I would very much like to get to know not just the vagina, but the heart and the brain" " of you." " I have been with a lot of men, Hoyle." "You are the most like a woman" " I have ever been with." " I'll take that as a compliment." "Sheriff, Cole Younger's outside and he's calling for you." "Okay, thank you, deputy." "I'll take care of this by myself." "Nice talking to you, Hoyle." "Miss Shaw, you just get ready for that picnic." "You're gonna die, sheriff!" "My brother's gonna kill you!" "And then he's gonna kill you a second time, just so you're dead." "Cole Younger, you're under arrest for the murder of Joshua Webb." "I don't think so, Hoyle." "Boys!" "That's it, Cole." "You're coming with me." "Not today, Hoyle." "Hoyle!" "Lord's miracle, he made it through the night." " Sunday morning." " How convenient that Hoyle looks like he's gonna die today." " On your day." " What's that mean?" "I know you rigged this so that he would die today just so you could win your money, money, money." "Anything could happen today, that's not my responsibility." " A wound could get infected, or..." " Oh, oh, nice move." "I understand he could die, but I don't understand why he didn't die yester..." "Am I gonna die?" " Yes." " Yeah." " Pretty sure." " Probably." "But, really, best shot we've had as a sheriff." " Really impressive." " Really impressive." "We were all..." " "Wow." That's what we thought." " Nobody expected it." "What, just because I can point a firearm, now suddenly you respect me?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Did the doctor from Dodge City come in and operate on me?" "You..." "We had Vernon take care of you best he could." "But you don't know anything about doctoring." "I know a lot more now than I did about six hours ago." "Did you get the bullet out of my gut?" "Couldn't find it." "Looked everywhere." "What?" "I did..." "One thing did come out." " I don't know what it is." "Looks like a..." " What is that?" "Like, almost like a turnip, but squishier." "Did you get the bullet out of my shoulder?" "Did not know there was one there." "I was shot in front of everybody." "Didn't you see me get shot in the shoulder?" "To be honest, when things get stressful, I tend to go a little blank and panic." "So there's a bullet in my shoulder and a bullet in my stomach." "Basically, you did nothing but take out part of something and put it in a Mason jar." " Some swings and some misses." " All right." "Did Cole bust his brother Ephraim out?" " Yup." " Yes." " Got him out." " Did anyone see which way they went?" " No." " No." " Nobody paid attention?" " Why are you so worried about this?" "I mean, you're halfway out the door, Hoyle." "This, today's your day, I'm afraid." "No, I'm gonna recover and I'm gonna get Cole." "Eli." " Eli." "We're gonna find Cole" " Yeah?" "And we are gonna get that son of a bitch." "It's good to have a positive attitude." "Aah!" "God." "I think you ripped my stitch."