"Will!" "Ah!" "Don't do that!" "You're like a gay Jack-in-the-box." "I'm up for the part of "Male Corpse on Slab."" "I don't know what that means, but "wear a condom" seems like an appropriate response." "Ah!" "Wait!" "Hey, hey, hey." "I'm auditioning for "Six Feet Under."" "You know, that new show by the acclaimed screenwriter Alan Ball?" "Tehh... ball." "The corpse is, like, in three scenes, and it's the glue that holds the whole story together." "Well, for what it's worth, I've seen you act, and I feel totally confident that you have the emotional range to play a dead man." "Thank you." "I'm enjoying your blouse today." "You know, Sarah Michelle Gellar is really smart." "I mean, at the beginning of this interview, she's just talkin' about stuff, like where she gets her highlights, but then she starts in on foreign affairs and campaign finance reform." "I'm gonna say it..." "She's a genius." "Let me see that." "Hmm..." "Interesting." "Yeah." "See?" "these pages are stuck together." "You've been reading an interview with John McCain." "Here's the rest of Sarah Michelle." ""And even after all these years, limos are way cool."" "Yeah." "I probably should've figured it out when she started talking about her time in a P.O.W. camp." "Ooh, uh, before I forget, I need you to write me a check." "There's this guy, Ted Bowers." "He's running for city council." "I really think we should support him." "Well, what do we know about him?" "He's gay." "And?" "And... he's gay." "But what's he for?" "I mean, you know, where does he stand on the issues?" "What do you care?" "You thought Buffy was in a prisoner of war camp." "I'm just wondering, what are his positions?" "I don't know." "I think he's a top." "Come on." "Write a check already." "You should support gay men." "Gay men support you." "How much?" "The limit's 500." "Most people are giving, like, 250." "Heh!" "Well, I am not most people." ""100."" "Give me a break." "I just gave 500 to the Paul Smith fabulous boot foundation." "Another important gay cause." "Once again, I find myself in the horns of a dilemma." "Once again, the appropriate response seems to be:" ""wear a condom."" "No." "Elliot and I were preparing a VIP guest list for the fanglamorous party I'm throwing, when my episode airs." "You got the part?" "No, um, not yet." "Watch this." "Wow." "I feel like I'm looking through the eyes of every one of your lovers." "Thank you." "Anyway, Elliot doesn't want me to invite Karen." "He doesn't like her." "Can you believe it?" "Kids today are so weird." "You know, when I was a kid, we couldn't wait to hang out with the local insensitive drunk." "I run this by Karen, and it turns out she does not care for Elliot either." "WILL:" "Why?" "He's polite." "He's sweet." "He's kind." "I think I just answered my own question." "I mean, what am I supposed to do?" "What--?" "Ok, I know." "I know." "I got it." "I got it." "I'm gonna stage a phony robbery." "Yeah." "I'm gonna tie 'em back-to-back in chairs until they're forced to get along, and I'm gonna wear a stocking on my head." "Taupe." "Or maybe eggplant..." "Doesn't matter, doesn't matter." "It doesn't matter." "I can decide later." "That's the fun part." "Why don't you just sit them down and talk it out?" "That could work, although..." "Where do the panty-hose come in?" "You can always just wear them under your slacks." "You are always one step ahead of me." "I hate that about you!" "And I love that about you!" "Hey, Mrs. Friedman, how are things on the eighth floor?" "I'm not talking to you, Grace Adler, and you should be ashamed of yourself." "I swear, the elevator smelled like this before I got on." "I'm not talking about that." "I'm talking about your button." "I can't believe you're supporting that man." "Ted Bowers happens to be an excellent candidate." "Your candidate sucks my rain boots." "Hey, I like Ted Bowers, and he's gay, and I think it's high time we had gay representation on the city council, especially in a society that still undervalues the rights of gay people." "Fine." "Do what you want." "Me, I'm voting for the Jewish woman." "There's a Jewish woman running?" "Rosario, where the hell are you?" "Get your rump into the rumpus room and get rid of all this junk." "Lady, I told you the doctor said I shouldn't lift anything." "I've pulled a muscle." "Oh, honey, I'm sorry." "I keep forgetting you're laid up." "Can I get you anything?" "Well...actually, I could use a bowl of sou" "Hey, Kare, what you doin' in the play room?" "Oh." "Hi, honey." "Since Stan's in the clink and the stepkids are spending' most of their time with first wife," "I decided to turn it into something useful, you know, like a laboratory, or an Indian casino." "Oh, wow, you got an X-Box!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Just because my husband's in prison does not mean you can talk dirty to me." "What the hell is he doin' here anyway?" "He is here because I cannot tolerate two of the most important people in my life not getting along." "Now, I will not have my family go the way of other showbiz families." "So the three of us are gonna stay in this room until you two can find a love for each other, and nobody, but nobody is leaving until we get this done!" "Oh, my God!" "My corpse audition just got moved up!" "I gotta run." "Listen, you two work it out." "Remember, find the love!" "Hey!" "Wh--!" "Honey, I--!" "Uh..." "So, listen, I need a check." "What for?" "Judy Green." "She's running for city council, and I think we should support her." "But we're backing Ted Bowers." "Well, I found out a few things about him that makes me think I should support the other candidate." "Like what?" "Like he's running against a woman." "So?" "Who is she?" "What do we know about her?" "She's a woman." "And?" "And she's Jewish." "And?" "And she's a woman." "So what?" "What are her positions?" "I don't know." "She's Jewish." "She probably just lays there." "Come on." "Write the check!" "I am not gonna write you a check." "That would just cancel out the check you wrote me." "I know." "That's why I've already stopped payment on mine." "Now, come on." "Make it payable to "Judy Green for City Council."" "All right." "Is a zillion dollars enough?" "Come on!" "Women need a voice on the city council." "I mean, 50% of the population is women." "WILL:" "So, one could argue that 80% of the population is gay." "They just don't know it yet." "Anyway, this is not about statistics." "This is about who has the better candidate." "Well, what makes you think that you have the better candidate?" "Grace, he's gay." "Well, mine's a woman and Jewish." "That makes two victims to your one." "Since when are you so Jewish anyway?" "You're about as Jewish as Melanie Griffith in A Stranger Among Us." "Well, you're about as gay as Tom Sellick in In and Out." "I am plenty gay." "When was the last time you had same-sex sex?" "I'm choosy!" "Ha!" "You're straight!" "Go watch a basketball game!" "Yeah?" "Well, you're barely a woman." "You pee standing up!" "Hey!" "There are a lot of diseases you can get from a toilet seat!" "Our own?" "!" "Well, I never thought that I would hear this from you!" "You hate women!" "Well, you hate gays!" "My room." "Whatever." "I'm sorry." "I said some harsh things before." "You know, like, "you're not a woman."" "My God, look at you, you're all woman." "You're gorgeous, you're hot, you're sexy." "When I look at you, all I can think about is being with that Croatian guy from "ER."" "Aw, sweetie." "You know, I said some pretty harsh things, too." "You are plenty gay." "If you were any gayer, you'd be Elton John's fanny pack." "You don't have to say that." "No, I mean it." "Well, if I implied that you're anything less than a big Jew, I'm sorry." "Thank you." "Let's just agree to disagree, support our candidates and just not make a big thing of it." "Agreed." "I knew you'd feel that way." "Which is why I know you'll have no problem with me having a little Ted Bowers neighborhood fund-raiser here?" "Not at all." "In fact, I've already agreed to host a Judy Green fund-raiser here, too." "Huh!" "Huh." "When's yours?" "Tonight." "Change it." "No!" "stop it!" "You stop!" "Ok, so I guess we're supposed to talk about what bugs us about each other." "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" "Ok, I'll go first." "Kinda pushy for a 5-year-old, aren't ya?" "I'm 12." "So you lie about your age so that you can drink, or...?" "This is what it is about you: you're weird." "You're a weird woman." "And you kinda look like the demon who guards the tomb in "Tomb Raider."" "Don't even try and flatter me, kid." "Ok, look," "I'm not happy about this, either, but Jack asked us to do it, and he's important to both of us, so I think we should at least try." "This is what really bugs me about you:" "the way you talk." "You're honest, you've got no agenda, you're not manipulative." "It's like you're talkin' in code!" "Ok, well, how do you want me to talk?" "Oh, honey, I don't care." "Just quit bein' such a goody two shoes." "I am not a goody two shoes." "Oh, yeah?" "Don't drink, don't smoke, what do ya do?" "I am bad." "I'm bad news." "Come on, two shoes!" "You've never done a bad thing in your whole life." "Oh, yeah?" "Watch this." "Pick that up!" "Sorry." "Two shoes." "Ok, well, how about this?" "Sometimes when my mom's not home, I make phoney phone calls." "They're rude, and they inconvenience people." "What kind of phoney phone calls?" "Well, once I called a butcher and asked if he had pig's feet." "He said, "Yeah,"" "and I said, "Must be hard to find shoes."" "Then I hung up." "Ahh..." "You call that a phoney?" "Boy, have you got a lot to learn." "Watch this, midget." "Hello?" "Hello." "This is Nurse Bigrack from Dr. La-bop-duh-duhp-boop-boop's office." "Got good news for ya." "It's time to start your physical therapy." "What?" "Why are you calling me so late?" "Well, with that kind of an attitude, we're not gonna get anywhere." "Now, let's start with some neck rolls." "Neck rolls?" "The doctor said I should rest it." "Yeah?" "Well, he changed his mind." "Start rolling'." "Ah!" "Oh, that hurts." "Oh!" "Especially when I do it to the right." "Oh, dear, I couldn't hear what you just said, but it's better if you do them all to the right." "Would you tell your people to stay away from the mini-quiches, ok?" "I made them for my people." "God, quiche for a gay fund-raiser, could you be any more stereotypical?" "And, by the way, tell your people to stay away from my lox." "Would you look at that?" "One of your women just drifted over to the fireplace, which we clearly agreed was my area since the gay's need soft light." "Grace, this is a lovely party." "I guess the belly lox was too expensive, huh?" "Still, people seem to be enjoying themselves." "I think we'll raise a lot of money here tonight." "Well, good." "I hope so." "You just hit everyone up." "It's the least that they can do." "And where's your check?" "Well, what do you mean?" "I'm throwing the party." "That's my contribution." "You know, there's an old Jewish expression" ""You're cheap, and your husband's gay."" "Mr. Zamir?" "What?" "What?" "!" "Happy Birthday!" "Wait a minute." "You're supporting Ted Bowers?" "Sure." "Ted." "Yes." "Yeah, but just a minute ago, you were over on the Judy Green side." "Yes, but then they ran out of black-and-white cookies." "Who invited you, anyway?" "I'm here to complain about the noise." "Hey, Ted." "Hi, Judy." "Well, this is quite the coincidence." "He wouldn't cancel." "She wouldn't cancel." "Stop doing that." "You stop!" "Good evening, everybody." "A lot of candidates in this race wanna tell you that there's an easy solution to our city's problems." "Well, I'm here to tell you, there's not." "Was that not an applause line?" "'Cause it felt like one." "For instance..." "Homelessness." "Now, this is an awful, awful problem, and one solution that I advocate is give them a hot meal." "Give them a shower." "Put them on a bus and get them the hell out of our city." "A" " What?" "So, in conclusion, women in the home, force those foreigners to speak our language," "and if God didn't want some people to be poor, he'd give them money." "He is very good." "And now..." "Let's hear from a real candidate." "Ladies and gentlemen, Judy Green." "Thank you, Grace." "Let me start by saying how gratifying it is to see so many white faces here tonight." "No, Marlo." "Why would I be kidding about that?" "Phil is my father." "And I wouldn't be calling you except that he stopped making his child-support payments, and my mom can't raise me on just a stripper's salary." "You are so amusing." "You can't laugh because when you laugh, I laugh." "I'm sorry, honey." "It's just that there ain't nothin' I enjoy more than yanking' Phil Donahue's chain." "And by chain, of course, I mean Marlo." "Ahh, I'm hungry." "Can I have something to eat?" "Oh, whoaho!" "Come on." "Now, how do we ask for something to eat?" "Uh, where's the damn food?" "!" "There's my boy." "Ok, go across the hall to Mason's bedroom." "Yeah, there's a cake carousel next to the pinball machine." "You know what?" "You're not so bad." "Yeah?" "Well, you're not so good." "Now, scram." "Hello?" "Hey, Rosie, how you holdin' up?" "Oh, the doctor wants me to do head rolls." "Neck rolls." "What?" "!" "Hi." "Where's Elliot?" "Oh, he went to get a snack." "So how was your audition for "Six Feet Under"?" "Terrible." "Why?" "What happened?" "You didn't get the part?" "No." "The casting assistant was gorgeous, and as convincing as my performance was for Male Corpse on Slab," "there was one part of me that refused to play dead." "I see." "So you would have only been five and a half feet under." "Do not underestimate me!" "Hey, Jack, how'd the audition go?" "I think I got it." "Uh, so, let's pick up where we left off, ok?" "Now, my life is gonna be spent in front of cameras, and I need my personal assistant and my manager to get along." "It's ok, Jack." "We're fine." "Really?" "She give you money?" "No." "Oh." "Ok, all right." "Whatever she gave you, you're splitting' it with me in the cab." "Ok, come on. let's go." "I promised your mom you'd be home." "Come on." "Scoot it." "Ok." "Hey, do you, uh, think I could come back some time and play with your X-Box?" "Anytime, kid." "Bye." "Oh!" "Well, would you look at that?" "This game is called an X-Box." "Well." "Remember when Election Day used to be fun?" "Passing out leaflets, knocking on doors, ripping our bell-bottoms and running from the fuzz?" "That wasn't us." "That was Linc and Julie from "The Mod Squad."" "Well, I've just pulled the lever for democracy." "Oh, and I also voted." "What are you two sad lovers doin'?" "Nothin'." "So, did you vote?" "We don't deserve to." "We just didn't think it was right to vote for someone without finding out what they stand for." "Who'd you vote for?" "The black guy." "What?" "!" "There's a black guy?" "!" "Hello?" "Oh, hi, Pharmacist." "Yeah." "I took 'em this morning." "Side-effects?" "Well, what do I do?" "Ok, yeah." "I'm standin' on one leg." "Yeah." "Yeah, my finger's on my nose..." "And I'm rubbin' my head." "Ok, well, how long do I have to do this?" "Yeah." "I'll hold."