"All right, just one more beer, and then I need to get home and help Molly with last-minute wedding stuff." "What about helping me with the bachelor party?" "I'm tired of you making this whole wedding about you and Molly." "Now, time for the tough questions." "Number one:" "Topless or all-nude?" "Whatever, I just don't want to get dragged onstage by three girls named Cinnamon so they can play "let's humiliate the fat guy."" "Hey, it's not humiliating." "They just take your shirt off, strap you to a chair, and rub their oily butts in your face." "Don't read too much into this, but I had a very similar experience at boy scout camp and that wasn't at all sexy." "Noted." "So you're probably gonna want one of the classier places... not too near the railroad tracks or a mental institution." "Exactly... maybe one that provides a limo service so we can all drink." "No, no, the places that offer the free shuttles are usually desperate for customers, so I'm guessing those girls are probably all-nude and half-dude." "Well, we don't want to spin that wheel." "No, we don't." "It's hard to enjoy bonding with your buddies when you got some he-she shaking her furry gonads in your face." "Again, boy scout camp." "Okay, so no he-shes and we rent our own limo, but keep in mind, the all-nude joints do not serve alcohol." "We're definitely gonna want booze." "It is my bachelor party." "Absolutely." "'Cause when you're pleasantly buzzed, a strip club is like an erotic sexual playpen." "Stone-cold sober, and you're just a dirty freak paying an unwed mother to smack you around with her silicone funbags." "Well, if the father of the groom gets a vote," "I say all-nude and get drunk in the parking lot." "Dad?" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love. ♪" "close that gaping pie hole and give your old man a hug." "Yes, sir." "You dropped some tonnage boy." "My hands can actually wave at each other behind your back." "How long you been sitting here?" "You walked by me twice." "I guess we know why you haven't made detective yet." "You gonna introduce me to your best man?" "Oh, yeah, dad, this is my partner Carl McMillan." "And you, sir, need no introduction." "Sergeant Jack Biggs is legendary around our precinct." "I see the department's still big on going salt and pepper in their squad car." "I rode with a black fella for years." "Officer Tony Clemments." "Great guy..." "used to call me fat Casper." "Hell of a cop." "His second wife blew a hole in him with a 12-gauge." "She was white." "I mean, just saying, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't." "Well, we certainly have our good days and bad days." "Sit down, dad." "I thought you weren't coming to town until next week." "Well, that was the plan, but your stepmom and I are going through kind of a rough patch." "Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that." "Eh, marriage has its ups and downs." "One day you're madly in love, the next day you're fishing your clothes out of the birdbath and sleeping in the backseat of your Buick Skylark." "Well, I'm sure things will work out." "Better than it did for poor Tony." "I'd rather have to fight some crow for my undies instead of getting donut-holed by some crazy bitch with a shotgun." "Ain't that the truth?" "Poor bastard never saw it coming." "How could he?" "He was laying on the neighbor lady." "Hey." "To Tony." "Tony." "Tony." "I'm sure happy for you, son, but I hope you've sown all your wild oats." "I've done fine in that area, dad." "I married your mom too young and I was trapped." "Year after year, making love to the same woman in the same position with the same time limit." "Time limit?" "Your mother would say," ""when Mork and Mindy is finished, so are you."" "Well, look, I appreciate your fatherly advice, but I've lived most of my life without it and I'm doing just fine." "Oh, I see, you're a man now." "You got it all figured out, do you?" "I bet I can still pin your ass in under six seconds." "Dad, no, I'm not going to wrestle you." "Nothing to be scared of." "I'm just an old man talking gibberish." "Stop it." "What's the matter, you going to cry?" "Did your mama raise you to be a big sissy girl?" "All right, it's on, old man!" "Mike, is that you?" "Hi, sweetie, this is my dad." "Hey, sunshine, nice to meet you." "You, too." "Oh, I can see the resemblance." "So this is Mike's father, huh?" "Still got most of his hair;" "That's a good sign." "I think baldness is on the mom's side and it skips a generation." "Oh, that's right." "I saw pictures of Vince's maternal grandma." "She looked like tweetie pie with a monobrow." "Whoa." "Apparently that doesn't skip a generation." "And it doesn't get cuter with age." "All in all, though, a pleasant looking man." "Yeah, hard to believe he was married to Mike's mom." "Well, based on his breath," "I'm guessing the whiskey impaired his judgment." " Morning." " Shh." "Hey, sweetie, do you want some breakfast?" "I got a pretty bad hangover." "Just coffee for now." "I'll eat after I throw up." "Listen, I'm happy your dad is staying here, but you need to get him out of the house tonight." "You want me to take him to my bachelor party?" "Well, I certainly don't want him here for my bachelorette party with your mother in attendance." "What, why the hell is my mom coming?" "Because you said, and I quote," ""I think it'd be nice if you asked my mother..."" "Okay, first of all, I do not talk like that, and second of all," "I can't take my dad to my bachelor party." "He'll ruin everything." "Ruin what?" "You said you were just going to" ""grab a steak, smoke a cigar, drink some scotch..."" "Is that seriously how you think I sound?" "Wait a minute, you don't want your dad to go along because Carl is taking you to a strip club." "What?" "He'd better not be." "I hate those places." "The guys are all perverts, the women are all sad." "I can't think of a worse place to have a bachelor party." "Yuck." "Fine, I'll take my dad!" "See, you sound just like yourself." "Didn't see you in the cafeteria today." "You missed a good one." "Frito pie and blueberry crumble." "That's why the windows are open." "Hey, grease, cheese, and fritos." "It ain't gonna come out pretty." "Anyway, I brought you a little something." "What's this for?" "Well, I won't be attending your soirée tonight, so I thought I'd give you my gift here." "And don't get your hopes up... it's not dirty, and you can't eat it." "Oh, you're not coming?" "Aw, gosh, that's just a stinker." "Darn it." "Hey, cut the crap." "You and I both know you only invited me 'cause Mike told you to." "What?" "It was totally my idea." "I love your company." "You are a hoot." "Well, I got better things to do than sitting at a hen party, drinking pink squirrels, and giggling over rubber wienies." "I understand your trepidation." "Plus, you might want to steer clear of my house." "Your ex is in town and he's staying with us." "So Jack's here?" "Yeah, and it's probably best if you guys don't have your first eye-to-eye in 20 years in my living room." "It's hard enough getting my mom's red wine stains out of the rug." "Hey, I got no beef with the man." "Nothing to prove and no ax to grind." "Really?" "Oh, I moved on with my life long ago." "Did he bring the whore?" "No, he came by himself." "Between you and me," "I think there's a little trouble in paradise." "Hmm, what a shame." "Sure do hate to hear that, when bad things happen to nice people." "What time is your shindig again?" "Uh, s-seven-ish." "Why?" "Well, you're going to be my daughter-in-law and I'd hate to miss your special night." "You know what?" "You're right." "It'll probably get pretty raunchy, so don't come." "I'll be by early to help you set up." "I'll bring some sipping whiskey and an x-rated board game." "X-rated board game?" "Dirty scrabble." "It's actually just regular scrabble with extra fs, bs, and js." "Man, I can't believe you're bringing your dad to my bachelor party." "I thought it was my bachelor party." "Did you plan it?" "Are you the one that's been going to strip clubs for three months, trying to find the best one?" "I'm sorry, Carl, there's nothing I can do." "I can't leave him at Molly's house." "My mom's going to be there." "So why don't you drop your dad off at a movie or buy him a sweat suit and let him walk the mall?" "Yeah, old people love going all knees and elbows at the mall." "He's coming, and I don't want to hear another word about it." "He'll ruin everything." "You ever seen strippers around a cute, old dude?" "It's like bringing a puppy or a midget." "They get all the attention." "I promise I'll keep him occupied." "You guys can still have a good time." "Yeah, a stripper slaps him in the face with her boob and his teeth wind up in my watery sprite." "Hey, Molly." "What?" "My mom's on her way to the house?" "Yeah, my dad's there." "He's probably still asleep on the couch." "All right, on my way." "Hit the siren." "We got to get there before we have to arrest my mom and tag and bag my dad." "This is gonna be nice." "Just us gals sitting around, sipping some cocktails, having a little girl talk." "Sure." "But keep in the back of your mind, it's not too late to go out and do something fun." "Yeah, I was hoping for a big hunk of penis-shaped cake, or seeing a big hunk's penis." "Mom." "Ooh, there's a place you can go downtown where you can lick whipped cream off a guy's bare chest." "Ooh." "Won't be able to do that after you're married." "Have you met my fiancé?" "His chest hair's like an easter basket." "That's not hyperbole." "One time, I actually found a jelly bean." "Two of them have to make everything dirty." "It's like my confirmation party all over again." "Whoa." "Peggy." "Hope I'm not too early." "Boys still here?" "No, they left." "Damn it!" "Are you okay?" "Couldn't be better." "Here you go." "Another gift for the bride-to-be." "Please tell me that's French bread." "Okay, but that French bread's black, and it vibrates." "Thanks for letting me join you boys." "I'm sure none of you fellas wanted the groom's old man tagging along." "Happy to have you, dad." "Right, guys?" "Sorry we had to rush you out of the house so early." "Mom was coming over, and I didn't want a repeat of our last little get-together." "Yeah, I still got the scar where she clocked me behind the ear with that disposable camera." "It did liven up my high school graduation, though." "And believe it or not, the pictures still came out great." "So, what's the deal?" "Are we going to a strip club, or are you guys going to be the biggest boobs I see all night?" "We can't go to a nudie bar this early." "The sun's still out, and our coupons don't kick in till 7:00 P.M." "Plus, the day shift is still on the pole, and they're tired, cranky and sometimes pregnant." "Not to mention the sad, desperate clientele that hangs out there during the day." "Lonely losers blowing their rent money, trying to get one of the girls to love 'em back." "And they never do." "I got a lot of respect for you, kid." "If I were dealt your hand, I'd have jumped in the lake with a pocket full of rocks years ago." "My mom sews my pockets shut." "Look, we got this limo for the whole night." "It's climate-controlled, got a fully-stocked bar, and we can go anywhere we want in one of the greatest cities in the world." "You guys thinking what I'm thinking?" "White castle drive-thru?" "God, you can read me like a book." "Well, it's easy when every chapter is titled, "I could eat."" "It's just a little something" "I thought might come in handy on the honeymoon." "Ooh!" "Sexy panties?" "No." "Flavored love jellies?" "No." "Ball gag and nipple clamps?" "God, no!" "It's just a clip-on book light." "I thought we weren't going dirty." "Oh, my goodness." "I wonder who that is." "I hope someone didn't call the police, because we were being too loud and naughty." "Please tell me that she didn't get a stripper." "Please tell me she didn't say "ball gag."" "Oh, no, officer." "Are we in trouble?" "Big trouble." "There's the ringleader." "And she's been a bad, bad girl." "I've been worse." "I'm hiding drugs, and I ain't got pockets." "Well, you'll all pay the price, but the bride-to-be gets the first crack." "Enjoy, ladies." "Touch, cup or tug..." "he's paid for till 10:00." "That is... very nice, but I really would just like to know your secret for hair removal." "All right, we still got another hour to kill before we can head over to the strip club." "Only an hour?" "But I was so enjoying this man-thigh on man-thigh action." "Well, if we're looking for something to do, we could swing by my mom's, and I could prove to her I do to have friends." "Seriously, I would have plugged in the toaster and jumped right in the tub." "God love you." "Well, since we got the time, why don't we go ahead and do our little Mike Biggs tribute?" "No, come on." "Why don't we moon that kid at the gas station again?" "He'd never expect it a second time." "No, this evening is about celebrating you, Mike Biggs." "The man, the myth, the Mountain." "Come on, son, let your friends honor you." "You think this is gonna be an honor?" "It's gonna be a bunch of smart-ass comments, humiliating stories and half a dozen fat jokes." "Hey, these are your pals." "I'm sure these guys have plenty more to talk about besides your waistline." "I'm out." "I grabbed the fat ball and ran with it." "I said nothing about fat, but I did lean pretty hard on your homoerotic relationship with Carl." "With friends like these, huh, dad?" "Yeah." " I'll go." " All right, Harry." "Let me have it." "How do you say "I love you"" "to your hero?" "I don't think you do." "I don't mean to belabor it, but how do you even get out of bed in the morning?" "Okay, fun's over." "Take these cuffs off." "Okay, pal, that is getting very close to my face." "That's what they're talking about when they say," ""the long arm of the law."" "It's not funny." "No, that was pretty funny." "When she said arm, she meant penis." "No, no, no, no!" "No, no, no." "Stop..." "No, stop it!" "Oh, my God, is that thing winking at me?" ""And even though we kid around a lot," ""when you get down to it, I could not have asked" ""for a better partner or a better friend." ""I know you always have my back, and I always have yours." ""And I'm so happy you found Molly, because you deserve a partner as good as the one I got."" "Thanks, pal." "To the man of the hour, Mr. Mike Biggs." "Hear, hear." "Salud." "Love you, man." "Lovely toast." "Really beautiful." "How come his is beautiful, and I'm a "big, sappy fruit?"" "I don't know." "They're saying now it's genetics." "Oh." ""All nude, girls, girls, girls." "" Mm-hmm." "Boy, that sounds way better than all men and farts, farts, farts." "Remember not to lay out all your cash at the rail." "Buck at a time, like you're feeding baby ducks." "I've given myself a $200 limit, so if you see me reach for my ATM card, throw a cold beer in my lap." "All right, I'll see you gentlemen inside." "Only thing better than an old guy or a midget?" "Blind guy." "Hey, wait up!" "Somebody's got to lead me in." "You ready, dad?" "I'll meet you inside what's the matter?" "I'm just..." "So proud of how you've turned out." "You got people who love and respect you." "And I know it's not because of me." "It's in spite of me." "Oh, don't say that." "It's true." "I ran off and left you, and at a time when a boy really needs his dad." "That's in the past." "You're here now." "That's all that matters." "Appreciate you letting me off the hook." "I promise I'll make it up to you, try to be more of a dad than I have been." "I'd like that." "Hey, what do you say we get the limo driver to cruise us around the old neighborhood?" "It's your night." "Do whatever you want." "But I'm heading in." "Ah, it'd be a shame to waste this precious father-son time." "I hope you and the wife work things out." "Well, if we don't," "I think I got a real shot with that Cuban stripper." "I think she really liked you." "Yeah." "I mean, until you ran out of money." "Yeah, strip clubs aren't a good place for a man on a fixed income." "By the way, my last three lap dances were your wedding present." "Well, it's important for you to enjoy what little time you got left, old man." "Oh, game on, boy." "Hello, Jack." "Long time, no see." "This is lieutenant sexy, and he's giving me a ride home." "Then he's gonna drop me off at the house." "Get it?" "Who the hell was that?" "I have no idea." "Him, I know."