"NARRA TOR:" "Previously on Nip / Tuck..." "Sean McNamara, you are the new star of Hearts 'N Scalpels!" "Sean McNamara is sexy and vulnerable." "So you're gonna be seeing a lot more scenes like this on Hearts 'N Scalpels." "EDEN:" "I made some fruitcake as sort of a peace offering." "(GAGGlNG)" "So tell me, what exactly does a fluffer of your caliber do?" "I got NGU." "That means I gave it to you." "Look me in the eyes and tell me you're not attracted to me." "I am attracted to you." "MA TT:" "I love her, and there's nothing you can do about it." "Ava's a man." "Buy me a drink?" "You got a goddamn dick!" "I'm not gay!" "Okay?" "I'm not into that!" "ls that a swastika on it?" "I'm not a Nazi, Matt, but I am a purist." "The tech works, Matt." "You just gotta trust it." "christian:" "Married?" "KlMBER:" "Matt and I exchanged our vows three days ago." "I never loved you, Matt." "I told you I did, but I lied." "I'm Rachel Ben Natan, your burn rehabilitation counselor." "I am here to assist you." "Hey, listen to this. "Hearts 'N Scalpels has sunk to a new low." ""What was once a mildly interesting melodrama" ""has now replaced its sole charismatic player, Aidan Stone," ""with the milquetoast, Dr. Sean McNamara." ""While Stone does the requisite Hollywood star turn in rehab," ""McNamara ruins the Rome that he built." ""He's so dull as Dr. Peter Casey, the best thing I can say" ""is that watching him is a cure for insomnia," ""or maybe he's the answer to global warming," ""for soon, televisions around the nation will go dark."" "Oh, my God." "I am so glad that I took that out of the lobby" "before Sean got to see it." "Let me look at this thing." ""And I'm not yet speaking of McNamara's abilities as an actor." ""l can't get past the face, or should I say cardboard box on shoulders," ""a puddle of muddy water, a jellyfish without the sting." ""My only wish is that he turn that scalpel on himself." ""Perhaps a scar could bring some character" ""to that brown paper bag McNamara calls a head."" "Oh!" "What are you reading?" "Oh, man." "Nothing!" "Is your 10:00 here?" "August Walden's review of Hearts 'N Scalpels in Entertainment Weekly." "(lNHALES)" "Guess he doesn't like me very much." "You are very handsome, Sean." "Very." "And Walden doesn't like anybody." "I mean, he said that James Gandolfini looked like a scrotum with legs." "If you want to be a TV star, buddy boy, you're gonna have to get a thick skin about this kind of stuff." "Yeah, you're right." "I'll see you in the consult." "(chuckling) All right." "What?" "You know what." "Oh, come on, man!" "Who gives a crap what some jealous loser wannabe says?" "If it makes you feel better, just get a good review and read it 10 times over." "That's what I do on the odd occasion some sexy lady declines to do the horizontal shuffle with me." "I fill my dance card with 10 more." "You've never had anyone tell you your head looks like a brown paper bag." "True." "Oh, come on." "You're a good-looking guy!" "Look, I'll take this consult." "You go get yourself some ice cream, or a lollipop or something." "Huh?" "SEAN:" "She was over at our house the other day, you know." "christian:" "Falafel-face?" "Hmm." "She and Matt were locked in his room for a couple of hours." ""Locked in his room" locked in his room?" "Sounded like it." "I didn't hear any talking." "Oh!" "Hey, guys." "What are you guys doing over there?" "These are all the surgeries we've performed on Rachel." "Six of them." "Can you tell the difference?" "A little." "You're being too generous." "We have relieved most of her pain, given her cheekbones some definition, and restored about 60% of her sense of smell." "Otherwise, she looks exactly the same." "What's your point?" "The point is, she's never gonna look any better than this." "Oh, right." "And looks are all that matter." "Of course not." "Look, I'm just gonna say it, all right?" "I don't care if she shits solid gold, you can't underestimate the burden that comes with dating somebody like this." "You two are unbelievable." "Look, she nursed me through my recovery." "She made me feel like I was actually worth something." "Are you wearing rubbers with her?" "What?" "Why?" "Why?" "Because you're a perfect catch for a girl like this!" "She forgets to take her pill one day, and you're trapped for the rest of your life!" "You guys are such assholes." "Matt, wait." "Matt." "You were vulnerable when you met her." "You just got out of one bad relationship." "We just don't wanna see you getting buried in another one." "No, you just don't want your son dating some girl who's walking proof that you two aren't gods, that you can't make everyone look perfect." "You know, you guys have been messing with people's faces for so long, that I don't think you even know what ugly looks like anymore." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "christian:" "Miss Lowell, tell me what you don't like about yourself." "You're sweet." "No one's ever pretended not to notice before." "But call me Emmie." "Emmie, if there's one thing I've learned in this business, it's not to assume." "So tell me, you want a nose job?" "When I first saw your picture online, I didn't think you'd be so funny." "I like it." "Makes the plane trip out here even more worthwhile." "So where are you from?" "South Carolina?" "Please." "I'm a Jersey girl, born and raised." "Guess we both have the same sense of humor, huh?" "Actually, I'm from Cleveland, Georgia." "It's a tiny little town in the Smoky Mountains up north." "This is my first time traveling away from home, if you can believe it." "I think I'm afraid of flying, too." "Yet you got on a plane for the first time ever and came all the way out here for a consult." "Why?" "You're the doctor who set up the Hedda Grubman fund, right?" "Well, I don't have a lot of money." "And when I went on Google and typed in "free plastic surgery,"" "your name came up and said you do cases like mine for no pay." "Well, you know, where birth defects are involved." "Technically, what you have is called naevus flammeus." "It's where the deep dilated capillaries cause the skin to turn a reddish purple." "It's really more of a birthmark than a skin defect." "It's actually quite common." "One in 3,000 newborns have it." "Not like this, they don't." "The procedure involves several laser treatments." "I know you flew all the way out here, but I really have a very long waiting list right now." "A waiting list?" "I've waited 24 years!" "I spent all I had just to get out here, and then the cab ride from the airport cost almost as much as the plane." "You ever read The Scarlet Letter, Dr. Troy?" "In college, yes." "That's what my mom used to call this, her scarlet letter." "Said it was the shame she had to bear for having me with some one-night stand." "But it's not just her." "I've never been accepted by anyone my whole life because of this face." "That's the real reason I never left home until now." "And now that I'm here, I can't go back looking like this." "I won't." "(BELL ringing)" "You know, when August Walden gave me my first review," "I ate an entire box of those." "Even the kinds with sprinkles, which I don't even love, and a half a tray of sausages." "I was so bloated," "I couldn't get my costume zipped after my lunchtime coma." "It was ridiculous." "So this is what this does?" "Rips people to shreds?" "Yeah." "Let's see. "The dreary Kate Tinsley brings to mind a sullen coonhound." ""Her body resembles that of a butternut squash," ""and her speech pattern makes me wonder" ""if she hasn't yet swallowed her breakfast kibble."" "Yeah." "Emblazoned on my brain forever." "I hope you've got some of your good reviews memorized as well." "Yeah, well, the good ones you forget." "The bad ones are forever." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh..." "You learn to live with it, you know?" "I mean, being in the spotlight, you..." "You're asking people to weigh in on what you look like." "What you can avoid is choosing a lover who looks at you with a critic's eye." "So where does this guy live?" "Who knows?" "Maybe, one night, I'll get hammered and show up at his door and take him out." "Actually, he always hangs out at that coffee shop over on Riverside." "Sits there all day long, typing on his computer." "Of course no one wants to confront him." "Everyone's so scared of his scathing tongue, you know." "You know, you seem like you're in a good place." "I'm sorry about everything." "I hope we can be friends." "Yeah, we're good." "On one condition." "You actually do it." "Go to the coffee shop." "Rip the guy a new one on behalf of actors everywhere, and record it on your cell phone so I can watch it over and over again." "It's not really my style." "Really? "Milquetoast"?" ""His face looks like a cardboard box on shoulders," ""a puddle of muddy water," um, "a jellyfish without the sting"?" "You're gonna let that go?" "(BOTH SNlCKERlNG)" "KATE:" "Funny. "Puddle of muddy water."" "(GODZlLLA playing)" "WAlTRESS:" "Here's your double espresso, Mr. Walden." "August Walden?" "Have we met?" "Not officially." "I'm the puddle of muddy water which can only evoke yawns from the audience." "Ah, yes." "An unmemorable appearance off-screen as well as on." "You know, I came here with the intention of getting some sort of an apology from you, the way you just attack people." "But now I get it." "Now I understand why you do it." "I do it because I'm paid to advise the general public of what and whom is worthy of their attention and admiration." "Just cut the shit, will you?" "You're so eaten up with jealousy, so full of self-contempt because of your own extraordinary ugliness, you have to make others pay." "I shouldn't be asking you for an apology." "I should be apologizing to you for what you have to go through every day, looking the way you do." "If only making other people feel badly could make you feel better." "(BEEP)" "Hey, baby, it's Christian." "Just confirming lunch today." "(BEEP)" "(sighs)" "(SNlFFLES)" "(GASPS)" "(WOMAN GRUNTlNG)" "I thought you'd gone." "I would've." "Who was she?" "Someone you picked up at the carwash, the drugstore?" "Gas station." "You really don't give a shit about me at all, do you?" "For years, I fantasized about being with you." "(SlGHlNG) It's just..." "In my head, you were so perfect." "(SCOFFS)" "But in life, with all this messy pain and illness and goddamn regret, it's just..." "It's not the same." "Is it?" "I'm sorry, I can't change who I am." "I tried." "Yeah, you've been in my head for a long time, too." "Always there, tempting me." "Only, in my head, you were beautiful." "Deep down, you had a kind, caring soul." "And only now do I see just how ugly you really are." "Oh, my God, what a mistake I've made." "Here I had a second chance with Olivia, kind, caring." "In sickness and in health, you know?" "And I've blown it, wasting all my time on you." "It's not like I don't love you." "I just want us to be friends." "Friends?" "(lNHALES SHARPLY)" "You have done a lot of things in your time, Christian, but to do this to me now, when I needed you so much." "Maybe one day I'll be able to forgive, but I know that I'll never forget." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "So tell me what you don't like about yourself." "Although it's sadly obvious." "I thought it would only be fair to write a review of my appearance." "I'd like to hear it." ""ln all my years, I've never met an uglier human being" ""than August Walden." "Though calling him human" ""could be construed as an insult to the phylum."" "Please continue." ""Below the mating caterpillars Walden calls brows," ""two extremely farsighted eyes droop like a basset hound's" ""under the pull of gravity." ""ln fact, his entire face looks as if it's been pulled and stretched" ""by a hyperactive toddler playing with Silly Putty."" "All right, look." "The other day, I was, maybe, a bit too harsh." "If I'm the reason you're here..." "You are the reason I'm here, Dr. McNamara." "I am thankful for your words." "You were right." "And frankly, the first person to say it to my horrific face." "I have been isolating myself for years behind this Halloween mask." "Scaring away everyone with whom I come in contact." "In particular, a young lady of whom I have grown fond, a lithe beauty of a barista at the cafe." "Every day, Doctor, I am there, trying to connect with her, yet unable to hold her gaze for more than a mere moment." "Can you help me connect with her, Dr. McNamara?" "What are you doing?" "I told you to stay in bed." "Well, since the surgery was free," "I figured I had to do something to pay you back." "Oh, I cleaned the bathroom, too." "Someone does you a favor, you do one back." "Well, take a break." "Sit down." "I need to see how you're healing." "Don't you think it'd be better if you found a plastic surgeon you didn't just trash in your magazine?" "If I did, I couldn't correct the error of my ways." "After the surgery, I will happily write another critique of Hearts 'N Scalpels." "And specifically, you, which, I can assure you, you will appreciate more than the last." "So maybe my face isn't a cardboard box on shoulders?" "I was thinking more along the lines of "reminiscent of a young Gary Cooper."" "Oh!" "You know what the kids used to call me in school?" "Swamp Thing." "Isn't that awful?" "The boys wouldn't go near me in high school 'cause of how I looked." "I never even had a real boyfriend, though I did meet this one guy online." "Is something wrong?" "No, it's..." "Come here." "(christian CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh, my God." "There are ethical questions to me performing your surgery." "Conflicts of interest..." "lf you have an opening, Doctor," "I am ready to go under the knife immediately." "We have an opening at 2:00." "(BUZZlNG)" "I could really use some lipstick, couldn't I?" "(UGL Y DUCKLlNGPLAYlNG)" "And my hair's a mess." "Emmie, you're beautiful." "Hey, Mattie." "Oh, hey." "How you doing?" "I'm doing all right." "Nice flowers." "Oh, thanks." "Yeah, they're for my girlfriend." "She's in recovery." "Emmie, this is Matt." "Hi." "Hi." "Emmie just had a port stain removed from her face." "Doesn't she look great?" "Yeah, sure." "Congratulations." "We're going to Neiman's to celebrate." "You should come with." "We can have lunch." "Yeah, no thanks, I'm gonna watch Munich with Rachel." "Fun." "Yeah." "Well, Emmie's new in town, so maybe you guys should get together later and you could show her the sights." "Stop it, Christian." "Stop what?" "Look, Emmie?" "You look great." "And I'm really happy for you, but contrary to some people's opinion, I have a girlfriend who I love very much." "Learning Hebrew?" "Yeah." "I'm taking a course at the Jewish community center." "(SCOFFS) Jesus." "You'll take any kind of Kool-Aid a girl will feed you, huh?" "It was nice meeting you." "Honey?" "Honey." "How are you?" "I've been so worried." "Oh, my God, you look so sick." "I know how terrible I look." "And it's funny, you know, because I've always relied on a certain beauty, and it's really superficial, I know, but without it, I just..." "I don't even know who I am." "Just don't get upset, please." "I think you're the most beautiful person I have ever known." "olivia:" "In every single way." "I've really missed you, Julia." "I'm not gonna let anything happen to you." "You're my angel." "I've been having an affair with Christian." "It's over, finally, and for the last time." "I feel like I've been in a fever dream." "Well, a nightmare, really." "I just don't know how you can forgive me," "let alone love me." "olivia:" "No use getting angry." "We're gonna put that energy into action." "We're gonna send that hair to a lab in Westbury, Virginia." "They've made some amazing diagnoses for me in the past." "I have been to every doctor in LA, and no one seems to know what's wrong with me." "Western doctors." "God, they all have their narrow little focus." "No one's looking at the big picture!" "We're gonna find out what's wrong with you." "olivia:" "I promise." "Julia, would you like honey in your tea?" "No, thanks." "You know, you really have been a doll, Eden." "I know we've had our differences, but, you know, frankly, you've been the only one who's lifted a finger for me since Olivia hasn't been here." "Well, I know I act up sometimes, but you're sick." "It kind of takes the fun out of it." "Hey, there's one more piece of fruitcake in the fridge." "You want me to get it?" "Okay." "Yeah, sure." "It seems to be the only thing I can keep down." "I really have to bake you another one of these." "Who knew you loved fruitcake so much?" "Well, don't be shy." "You're the only one who eats it." "I think I'll, um, take it to my room for later." "Ready for my close-up, Dr. McNamara?" "Sometimes we make miraculous improvements with a single surgery, and in other more serious cases, we hope for incremental improvements." "It may take a few more surgeries than I anticipated." "I'm not going to do any more." "Why not?" "I thought you..." "No, Matt was the one who kept pushing and pushing, but my plans have changed." "Sean, our 1 1 :00 is early." "She's in my office." "Dr. Troy, in case I don't see you again," "I just wanted to thank you for all you've done." "I'm leaving, going back to Israel." "Mattie didn't mention anything about that." "I haven't told him yet." "He's a nice boy, but he's very confused." "I don't understand." "You and Matt, he thinks..." "I know what he thinks." "He thinks I am the answer, that Judaism is the answer." "He goes from one thing to another." "The answer's always out there somewhere." "He needs to go inside." "That's the only place it is." "Don't you think you should be telling Matt about this?" "Tell me what?" "We have a consultation." "Stick around after, and we'll talk, okay?" "Hey, you look good." "What's wrong?" "I'm going home, Matt." "Back to Tel Aviv." "Why?" "I don't understand." "It is not right between us, Matt." "I just..." "I don't love you." "I..." "I thought what we shared was..." "Was lovely, yes." "But I'm not attracted to you." "I'm so sorry, but I'm not." "You're not attracted to me?" "Attraction has nothing to do with what the person looks like." "It's an inner chemistry." "It's there, or it isn't." "I'm sorry, but..." "Have you looked in a mirror lately?" "I know what you must think." "You think because I am not beautiful, I have no right to be picky." "Perhaps you thought you could avoid getting hurt by choosing someone too desperate to reject you." "Oh, you know what?" "Screw you, okay?" "I mean..." "You and all your bullshit about how looks don't matter," "like you're some poster girl for inner strength." "You won't find the parts of yourself that are missing in me." "You need to look inside." "Only then will you be able to express love instead of need." "Need?" "I don't need you, Rachel, I felt sorry for you." "Because the only chemical reaction you're gonna get from a man is pity." "Here, these are for you." "Enjoy them." "EMMlE:" "It's a dream come true." "I'm not..." "No, you're the one living with regrets, not me." "(EMMlE SNlFFLlNG)" "Hey, everything all right?" "Oh." "My mother." "She can be a little overprotective, I guess." "Um..." "Do you wanna go grab some lunch?" "(BOTH grunting)" "There was no way I thought you could do that again." "I didn't think I could do it again either." "I have never felt a connection like this before." "It's amazing." "It's like we just fit together." "Yeah." "Our bodies, our skin." "It's amazing." "Yeah." "God, I always wanted my first time to be special like this." "Your first time?" "I just took your virginity?" "You're not upset, are you?" "Upset?" "Are you kidding me?" "I'm honored." "I'm honored." "These last days have just been so amazing." "Let's see." "First, I met my father, and then I got my face fixed, and then I met you." "Wow." "You met your father?" "And I look just like him, I think." "And we have the same sense of humor..." "It's amazing, just amazing." "Who is he?" "My plastic surgeon, Dr. Troy." "They still saved my same table for me, Dr. McNamara." "And now I'm crossing my fingers that a certain someone bothers me constantly." "Yeah." "Where is she?" "Bran muffin." "Thanks." "Oh." "She's very pretty." "The apple of my eye." "I'm gonna go clean." "Welcome back, Mr. Walden." "Almost didn't recognize you." "We've got a fresh batch of pumpkin muffins today." "Oh, and by the way, thanks." "You changed my life." "Is that so?" "Well, I was in an episode of NClS that you reviewed." "You said that you'd rather clean cat piss out of the carpet than watch another moment of my acting." "That my portrayal of a kidnapping rapist was worse than the crime committed." "Then you're lucky you still have this job." "You killed my dream." "Just when I was starting to pick up momentum, my recurring role on the show was dropped." "My agent left me." "I don't make enough money here to make rent." "I have to go back to Oregon and live with my mother." "And I am to blame?" "You need to take responsibility for your lack of artistry, not to mention insight." "Yeah, I do." "I take full responsibility for my career and for this." "(HlSSlNG)" "(screaming)" "Okay, so according to California law, what we did was technically not illegal and not that crazy either, okay?" "Here." "Come here." "Look." "What's this?" "It's a blog devoted to couples who are related." ""Like everyone else here," ""my brother and I are not just having sex, we are in love." ""Tom and I have been together for two years" ""and feel that because we are related," ""have a stronger bond than any other non-incest couple." ""For us, incest is the best of all worlds."" "Wow." "Yeah." "They go on to talk about this scientific study that was done showing that, you know, siblings who are raised together develop this innate sexual repulsion, but, you know, when they're separated and raised apart like us, you know, they don't have that." "Oh." "So there was no way we'd feel like what we did was wrong." "Yeah, and apparently in other cultures around the world, they don't have a problem with it either." "But Mother Nature has a say." "You get freak babies if you inbreed, right?" "Well..." "We used a condom." "It's okay." "We're fine." "I was born damaged like that." "No..." "Look, you don't know how hard it is, how people look at you." "I don't want that to happen again..." "lt won't." "I promise." "Okay?" "Does that mean we have to stop?" "'Cause you don't want to?" "Oh, man." "This is wrong." "Look..." "Only if your mom's right, okay?" "What if she's wrong?" "What if we're not related at all?" "It's all gonna be fine." "(clearing THROAT) Hey." "Hey." "Mattie." "Emmie." "How long you guys been here?" "Uh..." "About an hour." "Yeah, Emmie's never seen the ocean before, so I thought this'd be the best place to check it out." "Great." "Well, you guys are getting to know each other, so I'll get out of your way." "Actually, can I talk to you for a second?" "Of course." "Yeah." "She's a great girl, huh?" "Huh?" "Yeah." "Um... (STAMMERlNG) Look, there's something that you need to know, and it may come as a bit of a shock." "Sure." "(EXHALES)" "Emmie..." "Emmie forgot her birth control at her house," "and we need an emergency prescription." "Of course." "Of course." "I'm just glad you're being safe." "Yeah." "(BELL ringing)" "Hey, pretty great what happened to Walden, huh?" "No." "It's not pretty great." "The man suffered second and third-degree burns." "He's gonna need four or five painful operations." "His sight might be compromised forever." "Okay." "Jeez." "Mr. Sensitive." "What, you don't think he deserves it just a little bit?" "No." "I don't." "And that kid who did it is going to jail, so it's not a happy ending." "Hello, darlings." "May I join the wake?" "You have read it, right?" "Read what?" "Well, I never take these things too seriously, but we were just skewered in the Los Angeles Times." "Perhaps you shouldn't see it." "Give it back when you're done." "And, darlings, don't let this affect today's work." "Sean, you are not flat and monotone, and, Kate, darling, you are not..." ""A lumpy zero." -"...a lumpy zero."" "Wait a..." "Let me..." "I'll split it with you." "Get your own." "It's the only thing keeping me from suicide." "I see." "Thank you." "(BEEPS)" "EDEN:" "Hey, Julia." "I made some of my healing tea." "Think it's really starting to work." "I feel like you're getting better." "Don't you?" "You drink it." "Why would I drink it?" "You're the one who's been sick." "Thanks to you." "I don't know what you mean, Julia." "Don't you?" "You've been poisoning me with all your soups and the teas and that fruitcake." "I think whatever you have is starting to seep into your brain." "Yes, it has." "Mercury poisoning does that to you." "It kills the organs and destroys the brain cells." "I just got off the phone with the toxicology lab." "I sent them that last piece of fruitcake." "It had an 80% contamination rate for mercury." "I have proof of what you've been doing to me." "You made a mistake in underestimating me, Eden." "You are going to jail." "You are a sick, sick girl, and you need to be locked up!" "(EDEN EXHALES)" "I've had fun." "You know, watching you slowly get weaker and weaker." "I couldn't wait every day to come home and serve you a cup of tea, bowl of soup." "Pouring the mercury in was the highlight, really." "Knowing it would eat you away from the inside out." "I could not wait to literally remove your pathetic, whining presence from the people that I love the most in this world, my mother, Sean." "But I can't argue with proof, now, can l?" "You've outsmarted me, Julia." "You win." "I have to pay for what I've done." "I'll go pack my bags, and we can wait for my mother to get home, and I..." "I'll confess everything to her and to the police." "I'll..." "It's okay." "I'm gonna confess." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "You really should lock up your firearms and not leave them in a bedside table drawer, you stupid bitch." "You know, you were right about one thing, Julia." "I made a horrible mistake." "Mercury takes too damn long." "(JULlA SCREAMS)" "(GUN firing)" "English" " SDH"