"You make man?" "No." "Woman." "Woman." "THEME MUSIC:" "Weird science." "Pictures from a magazine." "Diagrams and charts." "Mending broken hearts and making weird science." "Something like a recipe." "Bits and pieces." "Bits and pieces, pieces, pieces." "My creation." "Is it real?" "It's my creation." "Oh, my creation." "It's my creation." "No heart of gold." "Just flesh and blood." "I do not know." "It's my creation." "Oh, my creation." "It's my creation." "From my heart and from my hands." "Why don't people understand?" "It's alive." "Alive!" "TED BARGER:" "The other way!" "Get 'em!" "I think we lost them." "What kind of moron tells Ted Barger his mother has a face like a baboon's butt?" "Relax." "I knew we'd get away with it." "Oh, you did?" "How?" "Did you think some magic genie was going to show up and save us?" "Don't be stupid." "I knew we could outrun that brain dead, "Barnie" watcher." "Oh." "Hey, Ted." "I completely understand why you're a little ticked off." "You probably want an apology." "Yeah." "Gary, apologize to Ted." "Sure." "Ted, I'm sorry your mother looks like a baboon's butt." "You're dead." "Hold them while I rip them a new pie hole." "Wait!" "Isn't there anything we can do to make this up to you?" "Besides giving blood." "I'm a reasonable guy." "I think we can negotiate." "I tape re-runs of "The Facts of Life."" "I tape re-runs of "The Facts of Life."" "I sleep on rubber sheets." "I sleep on rubber sheets!" "I tape re-runs of "The Facts of Life."" "I tape re-runs" "I'll tell you, Wyatt, the only way our lives could suck any more than they do is if" "Our lives couldn't suck any more than they do." "What are you doing?" "I'm writing about our day in my journal." "You keep a diary?" "Girls keep diaries." "Men keep journals." "Yeah, right." "Hey, let's try something." "I'll bet you can go back to any day in your diary" "Journal." "Yeah." "And whatever day you pick, I bet it was miserable." "Come on." "We've had some good days." "OK, let's see." "March 13th." "Very funny, Gary." "What?" "Gary and I were trapped in the boys' bathroom." "The seniors were pounding at the door." "Gary wasn't going to be able to talk his way out of this one." "LISA:" "Excuse me." "Pardon me." "It was time to kiss our butts goodbye, when Lisa shows up." "You got to help us." "SENIOR:" "We can help you." "WYATT DONNELLY:" "She transformed the stall into an elevator." "And using her magic, we rode to the top floor of nowhere and our of harm's way." "I have to admit that, in this case, having our own genie probably saved our lives." "When did you write this?" "I didn't write it." "Well, I didn't." "You must have." "How could I?" "I didn't even know you had a journal until today." "Every entry in here mentions our genie, Lisa." "[TYPING]" "[BEEPING]" "It says in here that we made her on my computer." "There are hundreds of entries in here." "What if it were true?" "Not that it could be." "Could it?" "Do you remember having a genie?" "I don't remember having a genie." "Think I would remember that." "Look at all these entries." "Genies only exist in Arabian folk tales and lame sitcoms." "I know, but if we did have a genie, where is she?" "WOMAN:" "Stop complaining." "You're my genie now." "But I don't want to be your genie." "I want to be Gary and Wyatt's genie." "Besides, I'd never fit my NordicTrack in that little thing." "WOMAN:" "Shut up and get back in the laptop now." "As you wish, master." "[RAYS FLASHING]" "Wyatt, this is completely impossible." "If this were true, we would have amazing lives." "And we don't." "We have sucky lives, remember?" "There's over a year's worth of entries mentioning Lisa in here." "We were rock stars and trolls." "I dated a robot and a chimp." "I was president of the United States." "Who could make all this stuff up?" "Are you kidding?" "A four year old could make this stuff up." "We'll look for clues in the journal." "See when we last had this Lisa and go from there." "This is it." "The last time Lisa was mentioned." "It says here that Phoebe was coming to stay with us." "Who's Phoebe?" "Our own private, little, sugar plum fairy?" "The daughter of my parents' best friends." "I used to have to hang out with her when I was a little." "And I hated her." "She was this selfish, little brat." "I haven't seen her since I was about 10 years old." "But here, it says she was coming to stay with us just last week." "I don't remember that." "Me neither." "It also says she's all grown up and cute with the body like Wilma Flintstone." "I couldn't stop looking at Phoebe." "And I couldn't believe this was the same girl I used to lock out of my tree house." "So Wyatt, I can't get over how grown up you are." "You were such a wimpy, little kid." "And now you're such a man." "You know, Phoebe, I was kind of a wimpy, little kid myself." "I can imagine." "So you two grew up together?" "That kind of makes you like family." "Brother and sister almost." "Almost doesn't count." "So what kind of things do you like to do, Phoebe?" "Well, I spend most of my time making plans for the future, trying to live up to my potential." "College?" "I'm going to be a talk show host." "Oh, that's so great." "You would be so great at that." "I think those shows are so great." "They really help people." "Help people?" "They rake in the cash." "My only wish is to be the queen of trash TV." "Are these two perverts holding you against your will, miss?" "Chett!" "Is that you?" "It's me." "Phoebe Hale." "Little Phoebe Hale?" "Wow." "You grew in good places." "Last time I saw you, they were shipping you off to military school." "Yup." "Well, I'm a graduate now." "Buck, Private First Class Donnelly." "Really?" "My goodness." "And I've got a great, big gun." "Wow." "That must really help compensate for your little, tiny schmegegge." "Harsh." "[CLEARING THROAT]" "Oh, hi, Lis." "Hi, I'm Lisa." "Phoebe." "Lisa's an old flame." "Purely physical." "But she started getting clingy and I had to get rid of her." "Now she follows me around." "She's obsessed with me." "So does that make me more interesting?" "She was obsessed with you?" "Oh, yes." "Gary's not like other men." "You see, I've always been repulsed by muscles, and straight teeth, and clear skin, and a jaw line." "Nuff' said." "And a personality." "Does any of this ring a bell?" "No." "How about you?" "Nothing." "I don't get it." "There's more." "Listen to this." "As usual, Gary's got a big piece of food between his teeth." "Let's skip over that part." "Here we go." "The four of us were playing a game of truth or dare." "Go ahead, Phoebe." "It's your turn to pick." "Wyatt, truth or dare?" "Dare." "This will be a table dare." "I dare everyone to dine and dash." "What?" "She wants us to run out on the check." "It doesn't sound like a very good idea to me." "Me neither." "What if we get caught?" "Well, you don't have to do it, if you're afraid." "I'm not afraid." "That's not it." "I'll do it." "You will?" "I mean, we will." "We do it all the time." "Why, if I had a nickel for every time we dined and dashed." "It's just a dumb game." "It's not worth getting in trouble." "There's no risk, there's no fun." "You guys ready?" "Let's go." "Be cool." "Hey!" "Ah!" "Call the police." "These kids are trying to rip me off." "[LIQUID POURING]" "Oh, thanks, Lis." "Yeah." "I'm too pretty for prison." "My pleasure." "What is going on here?" "What has happened to everybody?" "And that's it." "That's the last entry that mentions Lisa." "Exactly one week ago." "Isn't that amazing?" "It's amazing that you write down every word that everybody says in your journal." "Hey, Chett, can I talk to you for a minute?" "What's it worth to you?" "My time is very valuable." "It's going to cost you." "One question." "I'll give you a buck." "You're in for $5 already." "Meter's running." "$6, $6.50, $6.75" "All right." "All right." "Have you seen Phoebe Hale lately?" "I'm going to have to think about that one." "Hm." "Cha-ching." "Huh?" "Cha-ching." "Oh." "Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching" "Chett!" "Before I answer, your total comes to $18.50 plus tip." "Payment in advance." "Yeah." "I've seen Phoebe Hale." "Every day at 3:00 o'clock, you moron." "Aw!" "Hope that doesn't spoil your dinner, sis." "Thanks, Chett." "It's Phoebe." "Controversy has a new name" " Phoebe." "Watch my show." "You won't believe your eyes." "ANNOUNCER:" "The Phoebe Hale Show." "Weekdays at 3:00." "Last week, she was a high school delinquent." "This week, she has her own talk show." "What do you have to say now?" "I say, she stole our genie." "I'm not famous enough." "Phoebe, I gave you TV's highest rated talk show." "You beat Oprah." "Still." "I know what I want." "I want to win an award." "Phoebe, did you hear?" "You just won The American Kennel Club's Best of Breed." "You have to be specific." "Oh, all right." "Uh-- you just swept the Emmys." "The press wants a statement." "After the show." "You see, the awards are nice, but the show's the thing." "I do what I do for my fans." "OK now." "I want Ricki Lake's show canceled, a date with Steven Tyler, a body like Madonna, and please, don't mess it up like last time." "I don't want to a body like Steven Tyler and a date with Madonna." "You got all that?" "Yes, ma'am." "Good." "Now I've got a few more hours for you to run after the show, so don't wander off." "Yes, ma'am." "[RAYS FLASHING]" "Oh, man." "I'd kill to turn that girl into a potato bug." "Oh, excuse me." "We want to see Phoebe?" "Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible." "Nobody sees Phoebe before show time." "But if you let me see your tickets," "I'll be happy to show you to your seats." "We're not here to see the show." "Oh." "Oh, I see." "You must be guests." "Yes." "We are." "Feel free to use anything you want inside to disguise yourselves." "And I just want to say, I think this is incredibly brave of you guys to appear in public like this." "Thanks." "She must think we're mobsters or something." "I guess so." "I want to talk to you." "Oh, the genie has a problem." "You miss Wyatt?" "Or do you miss Gary?" "Or is it both?" "I don't like the way you're abusing my power." "Me?" "Abuse power?" "It's not in my nature." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "Two Equals." "Two!" "I've seen Pauly Shore movies smarter than you." "I had that coming." "So are we really going to be on the show?" "What's the plan?" "I'm not sure yet." "Just put on your disguise and get ready." "I'm not famous enough." "I'm not pretty enough." "Get me a date, get me an Emmy." "My head's sweating." "Oh, don't look now, but we are in the presence of the perfect woman." "She's unbelievable." "Guys!" "I can't believe it." "You're here!" "I thought I'd never see you again." "I missed you both so much." "How did you find me?" "How did you know I was here?" "Who are you?" "It's me." "Lisa." "I'm a believer, Wyatt." "If I was going to create a woman, it'd be this one." "What-- what happened?" "Why don't we remember you?" "Yeah." "Why'd you leave us?" "And can I have another hug?" "When Phoebe found out about me at The Java Man, you guys decided to trust her with the whole story." "Big mistake." "[FILM ROLLING]" "The next day, when you guys went to school," "Phoebe accessed my file on your computer." "She reprogrammed me to be in her control." "[RAYS FLASHING]" "I wish I had a diamond necklace." "Get it for me." "[RAYS FLASHING]" "LISA:" "I should have choked her with it." "Now Gary and Wyatt told me that you can erase people's memories." "Is that right?" "Yes." "OK then." "I command you to erase Gary and Wyatt's memories of you and of everything you ever did together." "I don't want him to know that you even existed." "Understand?" "But why?" "Because you're mine now." "And they can't miss what they never knew they had." "LISA:" "Then she took me out of your computer and that was it." "Like I never existed." "[FILM ROLLING]" "Whoa." "Unbelievable." "Once the spell was in place, you guys couldn't remember anything." "But I did." "I remembered all the wonderful times we had together." "But I was helpless to do anything about it." "So I guess if it wasn't for Wyatt's diary" "(TOGETHER) Journal." "Whatever." "If it wasn't for that, you would have never known what happened." "You said you could erase people's memories, right?" "Well, maybe you could erase Phoebe's memory and the three of us could go home." "I can't." "I'm not allowed honor anyone's request, but hers." "I can't help you do anything that would go against Phoebe's wishes." "What does that mean?" "You're on your own." "It's just like when we were kids and she stole my He-Man belt buckle." "She hasn't changed a bit." "What are we going to do?" "She's not going to get away with it this time." "Get ready for the show." "[APPLAUSE]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Is everybody ready to meet America's favorite talk show host?" "[CHEERING]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Well, let's bring her out!" "Here's Phoebe!" "AUDIENCE:" "Phoebe!" "Phoebe!" "Phoebe!" "Phoebe!" "Phoebe!" "What a group!" "Hey, everybody." "Today's show should be very interesting." "Let's bring out our guests." "[APPLAUSE]" "Welcome." "These five people all have something in common." "Can you guess their secrets?" "AUDIENCE: (TOGETHER) Men who became women who became men again!" "Sit down!" "This is the worst thing you've ever done to me." "I didn't know." "Come on, you have to stay." "You want to get Lisa back, don't you?" "Let's start with the gentleman in the center." "As you can see, he is in disguise to protect his identity." "What can you tell us about your very peculiar urges?" "Phoebe, we're here to get something out in the open." "And we think it's mighty brave of you, don't we, audience?" "[CHEERING]" "For your information, Phoebe." "I write down everything in my journal." "And I bet that helps." "Believe me, I know." "Sometimes a diary can be a girl's-- or a guys best friend." "[LAUGHTER]" "Let me understand this." "You were a man, then you were a woman, now you're a man again?" "You need a hobby." "[LAUGHTER]" "Maybe we can hear from our next guest about what was so terrible about being a woman that would make you want to change back." "My guess is it was hard for that guy cause he didn't look so hot in a dress." "But listen, fella, I think you'd look terrific in a nice tube top." "[CHEERING]" "OK." "That's it." "I'm a man." "I've always been a man." "And I wouldn't be caught dead in a tube top." "We're here because Phoebe stole something that belongs to us." "Wyatt and I created a woman on our computer who is capable of magic." "And when Phoebe found out about it, she stole her from us and forced her to erase our memory." "How do you think she got this talk show?" "You think they just give these out to people?" "We want our genie back." "A genie." "Oh, that explains a lot." "A genie?" "A genie?" "Where'd Gary get the money for his sex change operation?" "I had a genie once that was stolen by my dog of an ex-husband." "My advice to you, don't dwell." "Hey, if anybody ever stole my genie," "I'd get her back instead of running around having operations." "Oh!" "That's a terrible thing to say!" "Hey, don't touch me!" "That man lost his genie!" "[JEERING]" "Gary, Wyatt, what a surprise that was." "I'll bet." "You probably thought you'd get away with this." "Well, you can't blame a girl for trying." "I mean, who wouldn't want a magic genie." "We trusted you." "I know." "I" " I feel just awful really." "And I have to say, I don't think Lisa's been nearly as happy with me as she was with you." "Can you ever forgive me?" "You mean, you're going to let us take Lisa home." "Just like that." "Well, kind of rat do you think I am?" "Lisa?" "Yes." "Do me a favor, clean out these boys' memories again." "And this time, do it right." "Wait." "Ugh, Lisa, do something." "[SCREAMING]" "Now erase their memories." "The commercial's almost over." "OK." "If that's what you want." "What?" "Why do you say it like that?" "What else should I do?" "Oh, nothing." "You're the boss." "If that's what you want me to do," "I am but your humble servant." "Look, I command you to tell me what's on your mind." "Well, OK." "I was just thinking." "You see how clever these boys are." "I mean, they found us this time." "Who's to say they wouldn't find us again?" "So?" "So maybe instead of no memory of this, you should wish that you never met." "Well, if they never met me, they never know I have their genie." "Sorry, guys." "She made me tell her." "I wish I never knew you." "[RAYS FLASHING]" "Oh, no." "Bye, bye." "[RAYS FLASHING]" "Lisa, you're here." "Yup." "Miss me?" "What happened?" "Well, Phoebe wished that she never knew you." "So if she never knew you, then she never could have stolen me." "You're brilliant." "Well." "Not only that, I remember everything else, too." "Like the time you give us the remote to stop time and nearly got us killed." "And once, when you suped to my computer and nearly got us killed." "Then there was the time you brought our video game to life and nearly got us killed." "And the time I went all the way with Melinda Rossi." "I threw in a couple of bonus memories." "Hm." "Why do people go on these shows?" "I don't know." "15 minutes of fame, 100 bucks, and free bagels." "But you know, the best thing is, she's not just our genie." "She's also our friend." "And did I mention, she zaps up a mean milkshake?" "[LAUGHTER]" "THEME SONG:" "Weird." "Weird." "Oh." "Weird science." "Plastic tubes, and pots, and pains." "Bits, and pieces, and magic from the hand." "We're making weird science." "Oh." "Things I've never seen before." "Behind bolted doors, talent and imagination." "Weird science." "Plastic tubes, and pots, and pans." "Bits and pieces." "Bits and pieces, pieces, pieces." "My creation." "Is it real?" "It's my creation." "Oh, my creation." "My creation." "It's my creation." "From my heart and from my hands." "Why don't people understand my intentions?"