"On my late father's advice..." "I first became a thief." "but then I discovered thieving gets your hands cut off." "or your feet smashed with a hammer." "or hanged..." "like my father." "So I gave up being a thief and did the next best thing." "I joined the church." "Not a priest, though it has good prospects." "No." "Asa painter, an artist." "I could do it all." "Angels, devils, virgins and nuns." "Painting bums on angels is not a bad way of earning a living." "And I was happy." "Then everything changed." "Not just for me...." "for everyone." "The rich, the poor, everyone..." "This boy, Lorenzo, he's always in trouble, always pushing his luck." "Lorenzo's a gambler, a winner, but his luck is running out." "This time he's won against the wrong person." "Gerbino De la Ratta." "They had this fight, you see." "And Gerbino's a bad loser." "A really bad loser." "Gerbino De la Ratta would resent losing a dirty sock in a wager." "That's the kind of person he is." "Come down here and fight." "So you can put a scar like that on my cheek?" "I'd improve your looks, you ugly shit, but I'm far too beautiful." "You're next." "Into the shit, where you belong." "Why is he still alive, Andreuccio?" "I told you, I want him dead." "Lorenzo De Lamberti was not the first to have a thing for Pampinea Anastasi." "Although he was the last one to admit." "The richest girl in town, Pampinea is not so much spoiled... as laviously as overindulged." "Poor little rich girl." "But that was before the plague." "Not now." "Everything's changed." "Even for Pampinea." "Lorenzo, quick!" "Gerbino's waiting for you at your house." "He won't rest until you're dead." "Get the hell out." "Now!" "Having painted the bums on 14 angels, I was still waiting to be paid." "Did you tell him?" "He's still asleep." "You wait there." "There." "The Plague." "Just my luck." "Looks like we're not getting paid." "Go home." "You're done here." "Then I heard voices." "Come and join us." "Priests, right!" "They got it all!" "Food, money." "And of course, the key to the convent." "All those beautiful nuns." "Rumor has it Gerbino De la Ratta is a bit short on his equipment." "You know, not much going on downstairs in the trouser department." "It's funny, cause I always thought he was the biggest dick in town." "Pampinea." "I offer my sympathy." "Thank you." "It's a tragedy." "This plague... terrible terrible... tragedy." "What would you do now, Pampinea?" "I promised to marry Count Dzerzhinsky." "He's on his way here from Russia to marry me." "Thank you for your assistance." "Pampinea." "Before he died, your father asked me to protect you." "From what?" "His estate." "He was in debt." "Massive in debt, with his businesses failing." "To whom?" "To whom was he in debt?" "Business people." "Merchants." "But I paid them off." "You?" "It's what's known as a secured loan." "Your father borrowed money from me, to pay his debt... against the security of this house and all his other assets." "All this." "None of this belongs to him anymore." "Who does it belong to then?" "Me." "Unless you pay me the money he owed." "You don't have to worry about that Pampinea, I'm here for you." "Your father and I discussed this before he died, and he agreed." "Agreed to what?" "That you should marry me." "I'm promised to marry Count Dzerzhinsky!" "This is a badly arranged marriage." "Your father told me before he died... he much prefered me." "Pampinea, I'm devoted to you." "Marry me." "I'm yours to command." "May I kiss your hand?" "That's always been a problem isn't it." "You know." "Theocracy." "She should've done something about about that, it doesn't cost anything, does it?" "Hey you!" "Where does this road lead?" "Bet your wondering what I'm doing?" "No, not really." "No." "My friend." "What's the matter with him?" "Is he drunk?" "No...." "Guess." "What, is he dead?" "Right!" "Good guess!" ""I'm dead, checked out..."" "Please tell me, where does this road lead to?" "I'm gonna tell you the answer... to this one, because you'll never guess and we'll be standing here all day." "That's what I was thinking." "This road leads to..." "Wait for it... the Sacred Sisters of the Bleedin' Heart." "The convent." "What was he doing in a convent?" "What was he doing in a convent?" "We'll give you a clue." "He was working there as a..." " A gardener?" "Right again!" "Very clever." "Do they need a new gardener?" "Do you have special skills." "That's not a trick question, he has special skills." "Like what, dying?" "No." "Guess." "Come on, Guess!" "I don't know." "How the hell should I know?" "Don't get dirty." "What then, what?" "!" "Ow, together!" "Come on, tell me!" "He was deaf and dumb." "Deaf, therefore dumb." "I told you, he had special skills." "Being deaf and dumb is not a skill." "It's a handicap." "For him it weren't." "Bye!" "Hello there!" "I bet you're wondering what I'm..." "Straight from heaven." "He's beautiful." "Strong." "Look at him, he's.... beautiful." "Is he hurt?" "I don't know." "Do you think we should take off his clothes to see if he's broken any bones?" "I think we should... just to be sure." "Where should we start?" "Your turn." "His mouth." "Kiss his mouth." "Sisters?" "Mother, he's alive." "He's said nothing, Mother." "We believe he's deaf and dumb." "Can you hear?" "Can you...." "speak?" "A miracle." "An angel." "He fell from heaven." "Take him to the bath rooms." "Clean him." "For the first time in her life..." "Pampinea Anastasi feels the need for friends." "Filomena!" "Did you tell the others?" "We'll meet them in the church." "Alright you lot." "Girls in front, boys step back." "Quino, I didn't expect to see you here, I must say." "You can say, but you're not allow to talk." "No problem, I'm sure you have enough to say for everyone, for me." "This is the girl you wanted to marry?" "Can't wait." "I could eat her alive." "My father has a house in the country." "A villa." "We could all go there to escape the plague." "Good..." "let's go." "My parent's dying wish was that I was to marry Count Dzerzhinsky." "The marriage will take place at the villa." "You'll all be guests." "Pampinea." "This is an arranged marriage, yes?" "Maybe you should try it first." "At least take a look." "Melissa!" "That is an insult to Pampinea's pledge to chastity." "We're all virgins here." "Yes, but some are more virgin than others." "Speak for yourself." "I would rather die than relinquish my virginity before marriage." "I always thought you had a thing for Lorenzo." "What's this?" "What are you doing here, all of you?" "Praying." "We're praying for the dead." "Any one of you thinking of leaving the city could prove extremely dangerous." "Go home." "All of you, like good children." "I recognize these two." "They're friends of Di Lamberti's." "Perhaps we should take a walk." "I knew I should have kept my mouth shut." "What do I care?" "Even if he was going to kill them." "Then I heard those damn noises again." "Keep your mouth shut!" "Keep your mouth shut!" "Keep your mouth shut..." "Keep your mouth shut!" "Oh, what the hell!" "I always did have a big trap." "You!" "All of you, leave." "Take your swords and leave the church!" "This is Gerbino De la Ratta." "No one speaks to him like that." "This is the house of God, and I speak with his voice." "Who are you?" "I'm the servant of God." "I speak with his voice." "You wear the cross of our Lord." "When did you last take confession?" "The plague that walks our streets, steals our soul." "It's the Armageddon." "See your face again," "I'll take your blood and send it to your maker." "Gerbino!" "Is he dead?" "Lorenzo Di Lamberti?" "If I were you, I'd consider him dead" "I've never talked such bollocks in all my life." "Thank God for being a priest.." "Is this it?" "I thought you said you could get a carriage." "This is Uncle Bruno." "He's not very bright but he's very strong." "Isn't that right Uncle Bruno?" "And he's a virgin." "Aren't you, Uncle Bruno?" "I am." "I'm saving myself." "Who's that?" "It's the priest, Father Tindaro." "If this to be a wedding, you'll need a priest." "After hanging around in the square for a couple of hours waiting for Pampinea, we discovered she'd gone to a convent to escape from Gerbino and wait for her Russian Count." "What better place to preserve her virginity than amongst other virgins?" "Or so she thought." "Who's that man?" "Oh, he's our gardener." "Sent from heaven." "He's dead and dumb." "What?" "He can't hear or speak a word." "How sad." "He looks as if he'd have a lot to say for himself." "Hear no evil, speak no evil." "Hey!" "Come here!" "Now jealousy is a funny thing." "It creeps up on you, takes you by surprise." "Distracted, Pampinea's Russian Count has slipped from her mind." "What is that?" "I am here, hello." "I bring gifts for you, your wife..." "and your daughter... soon to be my wife." "You're Pampinea's father, yes?" "I am Pampinea's father, no" "No?" "I'm Gerbino De la Ratta, Pampinea's husband to be." "Sir, there has been a mistake." "Pampinea Anastasi is supposed to be married to me." "Count." "You don't mind me calling you a Count, do you?" "You look like a big Count to me..." "Pampinea Anastasi's soon to be my wife." "You just didn't hear about it..." "That... is the mistake." "So you bring me all the way from Novgorod to tell me that Pampinea Anastasi... is marrying a man who is old enough to be her father, yes?" "I did not bring you here, but I suggest you leave." "Florence is very bad for the health this time of year." "Gerbino De la Ratta." "De la Rat..." "Huh?" "A rat is a small furry animal, yes?" "Yes." "Yes, I thought as much." "Sir!" "Sir, I'm Linguino, servant to Pampinea Anastasi." "She's safe and well." "And no matter what you hear, is waiting for your arrival..." "This letter will give you instructions on how to get to her villa in the country." "She'll meet you there for the wedding." "Sir, you are in danger here." "You ride straight to the villa, be there as soon as you can." "For Pampinea, I will do this." "We know you cannot hear or speak to us, but to us, you are beautiful like an angel sent from heaven to bring us joy." "And we pray that God might restore the miracle of speech to you and your hearing, so that you can hear the birds sing and..." "Get on with it!" "I am!" "He has no idea what you're saying." "Then you do it!" "We know that this morning you met Sister Catherina in the orchards and then Sister Melissabeta in the granary." "We want what you gave them." "And we want it now." "Come on." "There to Florence, there I was, stuck on that cart, listening to Uncle Bruno farting more than the horse, and Miss Randy Pants ranting on about being a virgin." "Truth is, those that rattle on about it, can't wait to do it." "God, there she goes again." "I'm very proud of my virginity, Melissa." "And so is Dioneo." "The boyfriend, Dioneo." "He's suffering from terminal randiness as well." "Never done it in his life." "Dioneo!" "We don't indulge in sex do we?" "Not in broad daylight, in the middle of the road, we don't, no." "I say, we believe in no sex before marriage." "We're happy to wait, aren't we?" "Forever my love." "Liar." "Who's that?" "Are they waving at us?" "No, I think they're waving at me." "See what they want, quick before they leave!" "Me?" "Run, before they run into Filomena!" "No, no." "You go." "You go." "Do we want any milk or bread?" "They said their produce is very fresh... and we might want to sample it, back at their farm." "It's too late." "We can get to them." "Come on." "Come on!" "Help yourself." "Fresh milk, there it is." "How do you get milk out of that?" "City boys." "Where we come from, milk comes out of the jug." "I bet you could do it if you tried." "Show us." "This is how it's done." "See how it fits nicely into my hand?" "I love this thing in my hand." "Don't you, Mira?" "Wonderful." "You'd almost say a little firmer would be better." "Too late, can't stop now." "Take it firmly in your hand and squeeze." "Stroke up." "And pull." "I love this." "It's coming." "I can feel it." "A little strong?" "A little faster?" "It's coming!" "Milky white, hot." "Please!" "Yesona, let's do it!" "Dioneo." "Just what do you think you're doing with that cow?" ""Yesona, let's do it!"" "Disgusting." "Disgusting." "I told you, we was there for the milk." "There's the maid." "Those should not touch!" "Remember?" "That include beasts and barns, especially ones with tits and hairy armpits." "Piss off, it's over!" "You'll never have sex with me as long as you live!" "Sometime later, I heard that the cow was emotionally disturbed... by these events, and never gave milk again." "Poor cow." "It's a sin what you just said." "And the other two." "Yes, you're right." "It's a sin." "A delicious sin." "The four of you in one day!" "You should be ashamed." "I think you're jealous." "Huh." "I hope you drown." "Get him, now!" "Andreuccio." "What was that?" "See that?" "It's fantastic." "I want that!" "Get me that!" "Up your ass!" "Are you leaving, Father?" "In the church..." "Gerbino, he was afraid of me, wasn't he?" "He's afraid of the cross you wear around your neck." "Allow me to make a small observation." "All this talk of virginity." "Yes?" "A kissed mouth doesn't lose its freshness." "Like the moon, it rises anew again." "Very poetic I'm sure." "Just an observation." "It wasn't me that said it." "What about the wedding?" "I'll be there." "But first I had to make a pilgrimage of my own." "Yesona." "Yesona!" "Yesona, I'm here." "I love you, my dear." "Yesona, let's take this ride into the sunset." "You filthy disgusting beast!" "Every day I see you..." "I am drawn to you." "Every night I sleep..." "I am with you." "Everyday..." "Every night." "I think it's farted up with you, Filomena, that's the truth of it." "Well, when it comes to farting, Uncle Bruno, you should know." "Dioneo..." "Dioneo!" "Stop this sulking!" "I'm not sulking." "Please, Dioneo." "Look at me." "Look at me." "I didn't mean to call you a filthy beast." "A sweetie pear." "Little honey cucumber." "Please, I'm not a child, or a cucumber." "But I love you." "I love you, cucumber." "I love you." "It was only a dream." "I would never be unfaithful to you, you know that." "It's like being licked by a dog when you do that, it really is." "Hey, listen to me." "I love you and I forgive you." "There, look." "You're forgiven with a proper kiss." "And another." "And another." "And another." "Dioneo." "Stop this now." "Me?" "Dio, kiss me." "Kiss me." "My God." "What's that?" "What do you think it is?" "When we're married." "Soon." "You'll see." "What a treasure I have for you." "Give me Give me.." "Give me the treasure!" "Give me the treasure!" "Please." "What's happening?" "Dioneo!" "What's going on?" "My God!" "What happened?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "It may be nothing to you, Dioneo Dugalante, but it's a disgrace and humiliation to me!" "One kiss and look what you've done!" "You had your hand..." "right on my root." "I did nothing of the sort." "That's the trouble with you." "You just don't know when to stop." "Hello, love." "Good show." "This way please." "Melissa!" "I am Alessandro Felice, and I am your host." "Welcome." "You're not our host and we are not your guests." "We are your prisoners." "Show us your body." "So beautiful." "The world is waiting for girls like you." "Have you travelled?" "I've been to Sienna." "Sienna?" "Then you must come with me to Tunisia." "You'll like it there." "Where is Tunisia?" "Africa." "Why are you going to Africa?" "To sell slaves, and to work, of course." "What do you mean, work?" "It's easy." "It's relaxing work." "You'll will spend most of the time on your back." "Over my dead body." "That can be always be arranged." "My god... he wants to...?" "That is what he means, isn't it?" "What are we gonna do?" "Did you see the way he looked at us?" "He's handsome." "He's sexy." "What do you mean?" "Look, if you want to get out of here alive, we just have to take control, lead these dickheads by the nose." "This is what is commonly known..." "as a Show Palace." "Sit down and be a good boy." "Put these on." "You're next." "I will not..." "I will not..." "relinquish... my precious...precious..." "jewel." "Not until my Diana..." "meets my Apollo... and the goddess Venus... carries me... oh, please carry me... to the threshold..." "of my Jupiter." "Who are these guys?" "Gods..." "like you..." "I have waited..." "longing... but still, my Jupiter has not come." "I pray for him to come me." "Yearn for him to come." "You, my delicious." "You are my Jupiter." "Filomena, please don't let them take me away." "I need to wee!" "Oh shut up, you stupid fart!" "You have to hold on!" "What happened?" "It was boring." "All he wanted to do was look." "Made me dance around the pole without my knickers and that was it." "Where'd you get that?" "I'm next." "Follow me, do actually as I do." "Got it?" "Gentlemen." "Gentlemen!" "Your captain has given us to you, for your delight." "For your delight!" "Hurray!" "This is the lovely Filomena." "A beauty, I'll think you'll agree." "Have you ever seen such glorious breasts?" "Show them." "They like it!" "Gentlemen, let's hear it for Filomena's breasts." "Now, every person knows that there is one thing that matters, the one who gets to go first... and who goes last." "Who's the biggest tomcat in town?" "Me, Me, Me, Me!" "There is only one way to do it." "Off." "Get them off." "Let's get a look at the tackle." "Come along." "Come along, in a line, in a line." "All boys together." "Don't be shy." "On the count to three, you big butch bandits, drop those loons." "One!" "Two!" "Three!" "Wonderful..." "magnificent." "Behold... manhood in all its glory." "My God, I never seen one before!" "Now, there's a whole army of them!" "Let's take a closer look." "Order, please, order." "You!" "Stand up straight!" "Let me see." "I think you should swap places with him." "And... you with him." "Better." "Where is it?" "Oh, there is it." "That's very small... and shrively." "I hope they're not all like that?" "Thanks very much." "Looks like the end, don't you think, Melissa?" "Off you go, chop chop." "Wonderful display, well done everyone." "Now this is it." "The moment you've all been waiting for." "Who..." "goes first?" "We do, start with the biggest and work your way down." "No!" "." "The smallest... start small and work your way up." "We both start in the middle, and work our way to the end." "I'm the smallest, I go first." "You want first, then last?" "Watch what you say, big knob!" "You're asking for a thump." "Try this for size." "Right, that's it." "Gino!" "Me next." "Come on Gino, Come one." "Hurry up!" "Having fun?" "What does it you said, "over your dead body?"" "Naughty man." "Now comes the news she didn't want to hear." "The Count had arrived in Florence." "Now Pampinea has a dilemma." "How does she feel about leaving Lorenzo alone with all those nuns?" "How do you know this?" "I heard him, singing in the garden." "You're certain?" "Very." "He has a beautiful voice." "It'd just be hard to resist." "Goodbye..." "and thank you." "The butcher's here." "He brought a knife." "A very sharp knife." "His ready to cut off your..." "Please!" "A miracle!" "I can speak!" "Get out!" "Your pants." "Are you human?" "No, I'm the spirit of this pool." "An enchantress." "I thought that much." "And... am I now under your spell?" "Yes." "Now that you have drunk the water." "You're under my spell." "Where did you come from?" "Before you became..." "an enchantress." "Florence." "Where are you travelling to?" "To a wedding." "Are you the bride?" "If I were the bride... on my way to be married..." "would you be the groom?" "Well, like you, I'm also travelling to a wedding, but if... by chance... you were to tell me that your name... is Pampinea Anastasi then... my life would be complete." "Because you are, without question... the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." "If I'm Pampinea Anastasi, then you must be..." "Dmitry Vyacheslav Alexandrovich Dzerzhinsky, first son of Alexander Pyotr Abramovich Dzerzhinsky, from the Kingdom of Novgorod and you... you are Pampinea Anastasi, soon to be my bride." "Is this not true?" "No." "I'm an enchantress." "And you have answered my call, at that special moment.... when a woman must make her gift" "of her precious jewel." "A treasure all women hold dear... the greatest gift a woman can bestow to a man," "but sometimes you can't wait." "You must tell no one of our meeting." "Having, succeeding getting him chucked out," "Pampinea back tracked past the convent... just to be certain the nuns weren't getting what she fancied for herself." "Lorenzo De Lamberti." "Pampinea Anastasi." "What are you doing here?" "You know, just... enjoying the day." "I've been working in the garden, escaping the city life." "A gardener?" "I have a strong affinity with nature." "Oh." "Well good, we'll see you then." "Maybe." "Minghino." "No, wait, wait, wait." "Where're you going?" "On my way to be married." "Ah, I heard about that." "Some short, fat Russian from Novgorod?" "I hear you're very popular..." "very much in demand." "You mean Gerbino De la Ratta?" "He's a turd." "I hear you're wanted for your debt." "Minghino." "Enjoy your affinity with nature." "Perhaps I can come with you and, uh... to be your escort." "To deliver you safely into the arms of your fat Russian." "Like all good pilgrims, I've followed the path." "I had arrived..." "Heaven." "They say the Mother Superior at this convent... is a woman of unparalleled lust and randiness." "Who's there?" "I'm a Holy Father... in search for a place of contemplation and prayer." "I'll take you to the Holy Mother." "Father." "Have you any skills?" "Such as?" "Gardening, perhaps." "Gardening?" "A little." "Good." "All this silence you see upon, it's almost as if we were.... deaf and dumb." "We may see many things, but we speak nothing of them in here." "Understand?" "Silence..." "Deaf and dumb." "And gardening, not quite I have in mind." "Would you care..." "for a bath?" "A bath?" "I was in." "Perfect place for a wedding." "Nobody's here yet, we're the first." "Lorenzo!" "Wait..." "Lorenzo." "You could stay..." "just a little longer." "Blindfolded?" "Is that really true?" "You were blindfolded when you kissed her?" "When she kissed me." "You'll soon forget her, that's what I think." "You'll forget her and the kiss." "You, Lorenzo Lamberti..." "to tell the truth and all." "You don't have to believe me." "How can you be in love with a woman you've never seen?" "Simple." "It was the kiss." "Everything was in that one kiss." "How'll you find her?" "This woman you've never seen, locked behind convent doors?" "I don't know." "I don't know, perhaps you're right." "I mean, they're not gonna let me in that convent, that's for sure." "I think it's best you forget her, Lorenzo." "No, I don't think I can forget her." "What if you found her?" "What if you found her, kissed her, and your dream dies?" "How will you feel?" "It's not to dream." "Lorenzo, your memory of the precious kiss will fade, and temptation will reign." "You'll see." "Even if I have to kiss you myself to prove it." "Sounds like a challenge?" "Maybe it is." "You were always the girl every boy wanted to kiss." "But?" "But... you were always too..." "Too what?" "Too good, clever, too... too beautiful." "Too everything, always out of reach." "Why don't you kiss me now, Lorenzo?" "See if I can make you better." "You mean for all the times that I wanted to kiss you, but never could?" "For all those times, and more." "Close your eyes." "Gerbino, I know it." "It's him!" "Run Lorenzo." "Please, he'll kill you for sure." "Run, Run!" "De la Ratta!" "You shit." "We could smell you coming." "Lorenzo!" "Come on!" "You want to kill me?" "Do it!" "Come on!" "Come on." "Give me a sword!" "Give me a stick and I'll cut you!" "Gerbino De la Ratta!" "Stop!" "Gerbino, leave him!" "Leave him!" "I will not marry you." "Never!" "Not if you kill him!" "Marry him?" "Is that what this is about?" "You marrying him?" "Make a mistake, you're a dead man." "Kill me today, you'll still be an ugly shit tomorrow." "He's in trouble, Pampinea." "A lot of trouble." "What kind of trouble?" "Theft." "Murder." "I can believe what you say, you're not first say it." "But he's only a boy." "Please." "Please." "What?" "Don't lean over." "What are you doing?" "Please." "Listen." "Just... come down." "You're afraid of heights, aren't you?" "No." "Just don't want you to fall in." "How can I fall?" "I've been playing on this well since I was a child." "Get down!" "Release Lorenzo..." "and you can send for the priest." "Now?" "You'll marry me now?" "Yes." "But if I marry you, and you don't release him, and you have blood on your hands... then you'll spend the rest of your life in a cold bed." "Do you understand?" "I'll give you nothing of what I have to give." "You have my word." "I'll send for a priest." "How the hell do you find a priest just like that?" "He'll have our balls on the block if we don't." "Hey, You!" "What?" "Father." "Where're you going?" "To Pampinea's father's house... to the wedding?" "How did you know we wanted a priest when we've just been sent to get one?" "The word of God travels fast." "Hey, don't I know you?" "Your face is very familiar." "It's the clothes, all priests looks the same." "You must go." "Leave before he changes his mind." "Are you really going to marry him?" "Not your concern." "The priest's here." "Leave while you can." "He wants hear our confessions before the wedding." "I'll go first." "I'm sorry, just to be clear." "How many potential husbands you have right now?" "Three." "And which one do you want?" "Lorenzo!" "I love only Lorenzo." "But you haven't met the Count, the one you promised to marry." "You could fall in love with him." "No, I love only Lorenzo." "Does he love you?" "Yes." "No." "I mean he loves me but he just doesn't know it yet." "It's not easy being a priest." "Please delay as long as you can." "and I realized that... stealing other people's money was far easier than working for my own." "All those killings?" "How many people?" "I can't remember." "That's quite a list." "Not to mention what you did to your father." "Do I know you?" "Your face is familiar, I'm sure I know you." "It's the clothes." "All priests looks the same." "To absolve yourself... from these terrible sins and to have any hope for an eternal salvation." "you must abstain from all sexual thoughts and all sexual deeds.." "for a period of 30 days." "But I'm just about to be married!" "How can I abstain from sex for 30 days?" "That's... mean!" "And stupid." "Well of course, if you do something really stupid... then you must expect to suffer so we can remain stupid in return... just to show you how stupid you were in the first place." "It's called a penance." "That's... really, really stupid." "God works in mysterious ways." "Well, I had him by the nuts..." "that's for sure." "But how long could I squeeze, before he squeezes mine?" "You know Gerbino sent us along to kill you, don't you?" "I kind of guessed that." "Dirty business, killing." "I'd rather be a gardener." "I know just the place." "Listen." "We could let you go." "But you must promise not to tell." "Really?" "I promise." "Good." "Ow!" "God that hurts!" "That really, really hurts." "Is this the road to the villa of Pampinea Anastasi?" "It's that way." "I thank you." "Who are you?" "I am Count Dmitry Vyacheslav Alexandrovich Dzerzhinsky...!" "Ah!" "The short fat Russian" "Witness, all of you." "You are Gerbino De la Ratta?" "You know who I am." "Please don't be difficult." "How can I marry you if you don't answer the question?" "Are you Gerbino De la Ratta?" "I am." "You are Pampinea Anastasi?" "I am, Father." "And when did you both last take confession?" "Pampinea?" "I've taken confession on this day, Father." "Did you confess all your sins?" "I did, Father." "Gerbino De la Ratta." "When did you last take confession?" "You know when I last took confession." "Bad answer." ""I have taken confession on this day, Father."" "I have taken confession on this day." "Father." "Father." "Then do you both come to me, pure in body and soul." "Answer I do." " I do." " I do." " Have you bathed?" " What?" "!" "Pampinea?" "I have bathed on this day of days which is my marriage day." "Witness all of you, this woman comes to us pure, in both body and soul." "Gerbino De la Ratta." "Have you bathed on this day of days, that is your wedding day?" " Yes." " When did you bathe?" " I just told you I bathed!" " When exactly, when did you last take a bath?" "I have bathed!" "Thoroughly?" "All the bits and pieces, downstairs...." "In between your legs?" "What?" "Show me your hands." "You got dirt under your nails." "Where?" "There." "I cannot marry you if you have dirty fingernails." "That's ridiculous..." "I've never heard anything so ridiculous." "I can hardly say, witness all of you, this man comes to us pure in both body and soul, but with dirty fingernails." "Now can I?" "You must wash your hands." "At the very least." "There." "Thank you." "He's only doing his job." "Exactly." "Incidentally, there is a charge for my services." "This is very jolly." "Pour this fine wine... a little young perhaps, fine, fresh fruit, with a... a musty, a musty hint... a musty hint of what I can really only describe as a stale fart... rather like the combination of this couple here before me today." "Marry us now, you bastard!" "I declare you man and wife." "There, it's done." "You're married." "Relax, enjoy." "Consummate, whatever you want, really." "Hey!" "I'm Count Dmitry Vyacheslav Alexandrovich Dzerzhinsky... first son of Alexander Pyotr Abramovich Dzerzhinsky... from the Kingdom of Novgorod." "I am here to marry Pampinea Anastasi." "I will kill any man who tries to stop me." "You're too late." "Pampinea Anastasi is already married." "This is my wife." "This is house." "This is my land." "And I advise you to leave while you still have air to breathe." "This lady may be your wife, but I'm sorry to tell you, she's about to become a widow." "You piece of rat." "You killed four of my men who were close to my heart." "You stole their lives." "And now you must pay!" "Lorenzo!" "Run!" "Where did he go?" "I don't know." "You go that way, I'll go this way." "Who are you?" "Lorenzo Lamberti." "The robber on the road." "Yes!" "I am Count Dmitry Alexandro..." "I know, I know." "First son!" "Only son, nine sisters." "Gerbino De la Ratta." "Get her and bring her to me." "Kill them and throw them down to me." "Hello." "Tell me..." "Are you ready to die?" "How awful." "You dropped your little sword." "Pick it up." "Fight me." "Fight me or I'll kill you anyway." "Wait." "There's some unfinished business." "Is that not right, Gerbino?" "You want to kill me?" "Why don't you come up here and join me?" "I'm sorry my friend." "I've sworn to kill this man." "You kill him before I kill him, I may have to kill you." "Here, let this decide." "Alright, if you want." "Why not join him." "I'll fight him." "But don't step in." "I may step in." "I may step out." "I may even decide to have a little dance with you." "but don't worry my friend." "If he kills you, I'll kill him, either way, you're going to die." "Do you need help getting up?" "Kill him..." "Kill him!" "Put your sword into his heart!" "Still a gambler, Gerbino." "Want to make a bet?" "Go that way, you're dead." "Come this way to me, dead." "Go that way..." "well, who knows?" "Going down." "Oh, Shit!" "Friend." "Take my advice." "Do not drink water from this well." "Sorry." "So that one's Lorenzo?" "Yes." "By the way I'm not really a priest." "So you're not really married." "I thought you should know." "Count Dzerzhinsky!" "Pampinea Anastasi." "I have travelled here to you, from my beloved Novogrod." "To keep faith to fulfill my promise, to marry you... and to make you my wife." "I'm here." "Hello." "Count Dzerzhinsky." "You are one of the bravest, most handsome men I've ever met." "Yes, I know." "But I cannot marry you." "How can you say this after everything that has happened between us?" "What do you mean?" "I don't understand." "What exactly happened between us?" "But... you are not Pampinea Anastasi." "She...is Pampinea Anastasi.." "Melissa!" "You know her?" "Know her?" "I am in love with her." "Melissa, really, kissing a perfect stranger." "This doesn't look much like a wedding, what's going on?" "Filomena, there is going to be a wedding!" "I hope there is going to be a wedding." "Lorenzo?" "Where are you?" "Lorenzo!" "Lorenzo!" "Lorenzo!" "You have stolen my heart." "I love you." "I love you." "Pampinea..." "You're one of the most..." "no... the most beautiful girl, I've ever seen." "But I gave my heart to a kiss, I can't let go." "If only I could forget her." "I must find her." "Lorenzo, close your eyes." "Please." "Just close your eyes." "Every day I see you..." "I'm drawn to you." "Every night as I come beyond for you." "Every day." "Every night." "You..." "You." "Now will you forget her?" "This girl you kissed?" "Never." "So, this is my reward." "I get to stand over here like a daisy.... while this lot... well... you can see for yourselves." "So tra la tra la, heads up...oohh" "Romance." "Passion." "Alright, to hell with this." "I'm back off to the convent." "There's an angel there and her bottom's got my name on it" "Close your eyes again." "No..." "You close yours." "Edited by LeapinLar"