"Welcome to the Monte Cristo." "1200 square feet." "We can do 20 tables, seating up to 200." "It is booked for an afternoon reception on the 17th, but we could have it ready by 6:00 p. m." "That works." "I have an open house from 2:00 to 4:00, so 6:00, 6:30 is exactly what I had in mind for an early sit-down supper." "That's a menu from our Pioneer Grille, voted best restaurant, best new restaurant and best brunch in the city." "I know." "Ooh, "Open Lasagna Pumpkin"!" " How many did you say?" " 100." " Mm-hmm." " Is it possible to bring in our own entertainment?" "What did you have in mind?" "I haven't decided." "Either a magician or a puppy party." "Hmm." " Hi." " Hi." "You like it?" "Oh, mister!" "Mmm!" " Now remember..." " Mm-hmm?" "Stewardship, not consumption, is the proper relation to material wealth." "Hey, okay okay." "Whoa whoa, wait." "Whoa whoa, wait." "Look!" "It's brand new." "And next time yours is on the blink, you won't have to take a loaner out while it's in the shop!" ""Before you begin to study the complex interactions of the earth's physical systems, test your knowledge of a few foundation concepts." "How is the earth like a magnet?"" "I don't know, Adaleen." "Where's New York City?" "It's far away." " "When is north not really north?"" " How far away?" "You don't need to know that, sweetie." ""I exist because spinning metals in the earth's core create a magnetic field that surrounds the earth." "I am the 'blank' North Pole. "" "I am trying..." "I am trying to give you an education." ""I am the Magnetic North Pole. "" "Good afternoon, UEB." "This is Adaleen." "How may I help you?" "Mama, hi, it's me." "I hadn't heard from you so I was just wondering if you got the invitations." " Yes." " Will Papa come?" "He's awfully busy, Nicki." "I so want him to come, Mama." "Oh, honey, you know, weddings, funerals, baptisms of the dead..." "he's got so many things, and we must pray for the miracle of his continued health, and protect him from unnecessary tasks." "I know." "I just want us to be together is all." "Honey, what you want is immaterial." "What any of us selfishly want is immaterial." "I don't care." "I still want him to come." "Nicolette..." "I'll look at his schedule and see what I can do." "I'm in the middle of a lesson." "I'll talk to you more about it anon." "Fine." "Aha." "Ooh..." "My house, too?" "There's nothing even worth ripping off in my house." "All three houses." "Look, I've hired a security company and their gonna have their workmen out here tomorrow." "Do they know about us?" "They don't know about our situation." "Discretion assured." "We've moved up in the world." "We have assets to protect now." "Here are the brochures." "I just want to set up a couple of perimeters of defense." " "Perimeters of defense"?" " Just precautionary." "I've been on TV for the store in those ads." "I mean... who knows what nutcases are out there?" " I know, but it just sounds so..." " It's just common sense." "We don't want to become a target." "A target?" "Who are we a target of?" "No one." "Just someone, anyone." "I mean, look what happened to that Elizabeth Smart girl." "They just slit the back window and took her." "Is there something you're not telling us?" " No no no." " If there's something going on," "Bill, you should tell us." "Look, everyone, no, there's nothing." "Sometimes at night, I'm in the kitchen, there's all that glass, and it feels like someone creepy's looking in." "Last night I swear I think I heard something out back." " So did I." " Wait, you haven't told me this." "Whoa, calm down!" "It's just a home invasion system." "There's all kinds of dangers out there." "Animals even." "I mean, a cougar coming down out of the hills..." "You would want to know if there was a big cat in the yard, wouldn't you?" "Some motion detectors, some seeing eyes." "Ben and I can install the floodlights in the backyard ourselves." "I just want to protect us, that's all." "Joseph Smith, unearthing the long-lost golden tablets of the ancient Nephites in Palmyra, New York." "Brigham Young, our second president, leading us on our great trek into the American West." "And this guitar came across on the trek... into the beautiful Salt Lake Valley, where we as a people fought to defend polygamy." "You may take a photograph of our mural if you'd like." " You don't mind if we record?" " No." "You don't mind if we do?" "You see, the principle of plural marriage was God's sacred gift to us." "But in 1890, the so-called leaders in Salt Lake buckled to outside pressure and repudiated polygamy and the teachings of our beloved prophet, Joseph Smith." "We alone have kept the principle alive." "We are the one true church." "And the violence, the coercion of young girls, the abuses committed against children?" "We root it out." "We crush it." "I have 31 children and 187 grandchildren, and I love every one of them." "A lot of times their mothers will say, "Leave Grandpa alone,"" "and I'll say, "Let them come to me. "" "Precious darlings, all of them." " And the gays, Papa." " What?" "The homosexuals." "Oh, the gays." "If the Supreme Court says yes to the privacy rights of homosexual persons, surely it's time to recognize our rights to live in peace, too." "It's Wayne's birthday on Saturday and Nicki hasn't mentioned it." " Isn't that strange?" " Yeah, strange." " Has she spoken to you about it?" " No, not so much, not a lot." "What do you mean "not a lot"?" "Not really anything." "Barb, I promised I wouldn't tell." "If I do she'll know." "But why would it be a secret?" "It's just Wayne's birthday." "Mmm, I can't." "She just always knows..." "Nicki..." "Wayne's birthday is Saturday." "I was just wondering what your plans are." "It's a secret, Barb." "A secret?" "What is this with the secrets?" "It's just for now." "I haven't had a chance to talk to Bill." "Hmm." "Oh, whoa whoa..." "Did you want something?" "No." "I'll just say this:" "Monte Cristo Hotel and Resort." "Hey." "Have you talked to Nicki?" " About what?" " Wayne's birthday." " Hey, sweetie." " Hey." "Somebody's got to deal with it." "You or me?" "No, it's okay." "I'll take care of it." "Thanks for the heads-up." " Dinner's ready." " Good." "I'm hungry." "75º tomorrow in the capital city, 86º in St. George, 80º around Lake Powell." "Another gorgeous day coming up with partly cloudy to mostly sunny skies, a slight chance of showers over the higher mountains..." "I'm gonna take Wayne up." "I'm pooped." "I'm gonna go to bed too." "Hold up a sec." "Tell me a bit about Wayne's birthday." "Let's talk about it after we go to bed." "I gotta lay down." "Who all you invited?" "You got a list, don't you?" "Yeah." "Let's see it." "Wow, a lot of names." " Now wait a minute..." " Oh, don't be grouchy." "It's for Wayne." " Are you nuts?" " Shh, you're gonna wake him." "Are you crazy?" "How many people?" "Just immediate family." "153." " I'll trim a bit." " Absolutely not." "No way." "This is ridiculous." "He's a little boy." "We barely moved in and you propose to parade 200 people in prairie garb and sun bonnets up and down our street?" "Oh, honestly." "Of course not." "What do you take me for?" "I already thought of that." " Here." " A hotel?" "The Monte Cristo Hotel and Lodge?" "!" "What kind of money do you think we're made of?" "Shh!" "My father said he'd pay for it." "Your father?" "Paying for my son's birthday party?" "No way is your father paying." "Absolutely not!" "This party will be held here, in our house... houses, backyard, or it won't be held at all, period!" "And this..." ""Immediate family. "" "Immediate family..." "10." "End of discussion!" "And I'd leave your father off the list if I were you, understand?" "What's wrong with you and my father?" " He's not welcome in my homes." " Why?" "Because I say so is why!" "I don't want you spending so much time there, always running back and forth anymore." " But it's my family!" " I don't care!" "Why are you fighting with my father?" "Because we have a disagreement over our business arrangements." " Don't try to change the subject!" " Me?" "When you fight with him do you know what that does to me?" "How it affects my position in this family?" " Nicki..." " Leave me alone." "Honey, you just gotta come down to earth." "You want me to lay a blessing on you?" "I'll take Wayne up." "Good morning." "I can only stay for a second." "Did you hear last night?" "Nicki's house?" " No." " Oh." "She and Bill... big argument!" " Margie..." " What?" "No, I was not spying, I swear." "I can't help it if I live in the middle." "You may not have been spying, but you're gossiping now." "Yeah, well," "Bill busted her for all the overspending... and the hotel and the invitations and she cried." "Morning, Nicki." "Morning." "Barb, just wondering, might I borrow your folding chairs and card tables?" "For Wayne's party." "Certainly." "They're in the garage." "Thanks." "Uh, ma'am?" "Sorry, did you want a panic button downstairs as well as up?" "I think upstairs is sufficient." "Ma'am, if I might, I'd like to suggest one downstairs, too." "If you're doing laundry, say, you got a bad guy in the house, he could get you, grab you, knock you senseless, out cold before you make it upstairs." "Your garage." "One minute." "I'll call you back." "Hold on." "You got a car, you got a car..." "I got a car, I got a car..." "Margie..." "Margie!" "Heavens!" "You also have a house." "So why don't you go over there?" "Because I have a daughter who's taking care of your children and who'd like to come home now." "Ow." " Hello, Joey?" " Hey, Bill." "Sorry, I got held up." "We just got our invitation to the party." "Thanks." "Just calling to check in on Mom, how she and Dad are doing." "It's weird." "He sits out in front of her cabin, won't let her out or in by the front door." "You know that small back window?" "He makes her crawl through that, so she had to borrow my stepladder." " Oh, boy." " She's pretty ticked, at you." "Says you brought it all on her, left her hanging out to dry." "Says she wishes she had reached into your crib and strangled you at birth, so..." " Man." " See you Saturday, then." "Yeah, see you then." "Hey, Bill, Bill..." "Bill." "Thanks for the invitation." "It means a lot." "Good enough." "So is she a Leo?" "Is she a Capricorn?" "Mom's birthday is June 17th." "Gemini." "She's a Gemini." "What all have you told her about me?" "We hadn't done a lot of talking lately." "She knows we all love you." "I just want to make a good impression." "I want her to like me." "Oh, hey, what about this?" "Is this appropriate?" "It's floral and pink." "Honey, you don't have to worry." "She's my mother-in-law." "I want to get off to a good start." "Mom is just..." "I just don't want you to get your hopes up, that's all." "Oh..." " Is that what you think?" " What?" "Mr. Doom and Gloom." " I'm gonna charm the pants off of her." " Well..." "Uh, yeah, well, you watch." "I can be pretty charming... when I want to be." "I got you, didn't I?" "Hmm?" "Shoot!" "Stop!" "Stop it!" "Stop!" " Call me." " Yeah." "Hey, there." "Morning." "Oh, hey, good morning." "We've been meaning to introduce ourselves." "Oh, us too." "You get so busy, you know." "Carl Martin." "Carl." "Bill Henrickson." "Nice to meet you." "I thought it was you." "I just told my wife Pam..." "Hi!" "...I recognized you from your commercials." " The Henrickson Home Plus, right?" " Sure." "I'm an accountant with Deloitte  Touche downtown." " Welcome to the neighborhood." " Thank you." "We're barely here ourselves." "Moved in a couple of months ago." " My wife Barb, three kids." " Oh, that's great." "Hey, did you have a bit of a problem with the security system last night?" " Oh, gad, I hope we didn't disturb you." " Oh, gosh, no." "It's just those darn things." "We had one ourselves." "We disarmed it 'cause the cat kept setting it off!" " The cat!" " But we should get together, have dinner, or something." " Absolutely." "Let's do it." " Oh yeah?" " Well, nice meeting you, Carl." " It was super to meet you too." " And..." " Barb." "Barb, Barb." "Okay, well..." " Hello?" " We got a neighbor problem." " Oh, dear." " Asking questions." " Uh-huh." " See what you can do." "Okay." "On it." "Did he touch you?" "Did he hurt you in any way?" "Everything's gonna be fine, all right?" "Can I give you a ride home?" "Is there someone that we can call?" "Wendy, what is it?" "What happened?" " A guy came barging in..." " He threatened me!" " He threatened me!" " Who?" "Who threatened you?" "He said I had to cut him a check for $22,000." "He said I had to." "He made me do it." "His eyes... those eyes, so hateful." "Wendy, why did he say you had to cut him a check?" "He made me put a notation on it." "Um, "15%, second store. "" "He drove one of those Humvee cars, Mr. Henrickson, a yellow one." "He came racing up right onto the sidewalk, almost smashed his car right into the front of the store." " Where was security?" " No, it just happened so fast." "Who was it, Mr. Henrickson?" "What did they want?" "I don't know." "Anyone get his plates?" "I did." "Good job." "It's okay, Wendy." "It's gonna be all right." "We're gonna find out who this was and make sure they never show up here again." "I'm okay." "I was so frightened." "Sure." "You're a brave girl." "Thank you, Mr. Henrickson." "Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off?" "The rest of you, let's get back to work." "Don, can I have a word?" "Yes, sir." " Bill..." " No." "We've just got to ride it out." "Make a clean break once and for all." "It's now or never." "They'll fold." "I know it in my bones." "Bill, I'll follow you wherever you lead, but I don't know what's goin' on here." " You have an outsider to your house." " What outsider?" "The security expert, him." "I can't help it, but that's a mistake." "It exposes us." "Look what happened to the Buick dealership." "Top of the world in sales till he was exposed." "Then sales dried up in six months." "I'm worried for you is all." "For all of us." "Roman'll fold." "You'll see." "It's a bluff." "Just... have faith." "Hi, I'm your neighbor, Barb Henrickson." "Well, hello." "I'm Pam Martin." " Welcome to the neighborhood." " Thank you." "My husband and I live right across the street." "In that cute little green house." "No, we're in the cute little brown house." "The green is a single mother..." "Margene." "We've taken her under our wing a bit." "Bill, my husband, he helps her out whenever she needs anything." "And next to her, the blue house..." "we bought it when we moved..." " Oh." " It was such a good deal, we couldn't turn it down... we rent to a lovely..." "Nicki Grant is the tenant." "She has two boys." "Next to her is an elderly couple, and we haven't met them yet." "It's a quiet block." "People keep to themselves." "Is that what you asked?" "Oh..." "Are there any extra bulbs in there?" "You would think they'd fix this by now." " Hello?" " Hello, honey, it's Mother." "Hey, Mama." "About this afternoon, we'll arrive around 2:00, but your father takes his Tagamet at 5:00." "I give it to him with a glass of buttermilk." "Do you have buttermilk, or should we stop by and pick some up on the way?" " So Daddy's coming?" " Yes." "Really?" "I cleared his calendar for you." "Didn't he tell you?" "No." "That's funny." "He was going to." "Maybe he wanted to keep it a secret." "Why would he want to keep it a secret?" "A surprise." "That's it." "Act surprised now." "Okay." " Want a pop, son?" " No, thanks." "Hey, come on." "Let's cut through Lawn and Garden." "Did I tell you the story about all this?" "See, I wanted to move into Lawn and Garden with this store." "Consultant said, "No." "Not part of the strategic vision statement. "" " Mr. Henrickson, good morning." " Hi, Linda." "Heck, even our loan rep at the bank said no." "Said, "What's with this extra 20,000 square feet?"" "Begged me to drop it." ""Economy's soft," he says, "not the time to diversify. "" " Morning, Smiley." " Morning, Mr. H." "Nobody believed in it." "Nobody got it." "That is, nobody except your old man." "And you know what?" "Lawn and Garden exceeded first month's projections more than any other department." "Vision, Benny." "From now on, you think Henrickson Home Plus, you'd better start thinking Lawn and Garden." "Here we go." "Eight final floods for the backyard and we're set." "Houses like Fort Knox." "They're coming!" " Hey!" " Hey!" "Joey, Wanda, welcome to our new home." " Hi." " How you doin'?" "Over there, two houses down." "My stars." "Look at this house!" " Come on in." "The party's out back." " Oh." "Any trouble finding the place?" "Nicki's directions were very good." "Mom, Mom, Mom." "How are you doing?" "Surviving." " Oh, hi!" " Hello." " So this one's yours, Barb?" " Mm-hmm." "Isn't it wonderful all that Bill's accomplished?" "Hello, hello." "Do I hear voices?" "I'm Margene." "What a lovely jacket." "Margene." "Well, isn't she young and pretty?" "You can talk to her, Lois." "Should I call you Mother "H"" "or Mother or just Mom?" "Lois." "Look, the ring we gave Margene." "Well, isn't that a ring?" "Say, do you get "Larry King"?" "Nancy Grace is on tonight." " Hi, Grandma." " Benjamin, why look at you." "You look so much like my father." "Oh, you!" "Rock, paper, scissors..." "Just bring him around to the backyard here and you can tie him up by the pool." "Turn right on Linda Vista Lane." "How about some more punch?" " Yeah, sure." " All right..." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "I told you not to invite him." "I didn't." "I didn't know he was coming." "I gave you an order." "I'm gonna clobber you." "I didn't do anything." "Who in the "H" do you think the security system's for?" "Who do you think I'm trying to protect us from?" "Him." "Your father." "Why can't we just be one family?" "Whatever's going on, why can't you reconcile?" "Blessed be the peacemaker." "Come on, please." "Just try." "Adaleen." "Hello, Bill." "So fancy." "Lovely homes, Bill." "A robust investment." "I welcome you into my homes, Roman." "Whatever our differences be," "I ask that we keep them to ourselves today." "Absolutely." "There's no substitute for family, son." "Not in this life or the next." "Everybody, in "The Los Angeles Times. "" ""Roman Grant, prophet and patriarch of Juniper Creek, home to the second largest polygamist sect in Utah, says, 'We're just like homosexuals. "'" "What did she say?" "Hello, Lois." "Adaleen." "Barbara." "How's your health?" "Oh, fine." "Thank you for asking." "I'm so happy to have been able to help." "Ah." "Um, ex-excuse me." "That man gives me the creeps." " Hi." " Hi." "I'm Sarah." "I'm Bill Henrickson's oldest daughter." " Oh, you're all grown up now." " Yeah." "Remember Rhonda?" "Yeah, of course I do." "Hey." "Hi." "Nicki, where's the birthday boy?" "Who are all these people?" "Barbara, did mother invite any children to my party?" "I don't know, sweetie, but I'll go see." "Bill is under so much pressure." "Barb, he's my father." "I know." "I think it's a real nice party, Nicki." "I'm so glad you came." "Oh, I need some bicarb." "My stomach's a bit sour." "Whose isn't?" "I would never ever tell you how to run your affairs." "She's your wife, but she's always needed a firm hand." "She takes well to a good smacking." "You, too, Barb." "Just give her a nice little swat." "It's all she'll listen to sometimes." "Isn't this fun, Wayne?" "Wayne, isn't this fun?" "Hi, Wayne." "Are you having a good time, Wayne?" "We're having a good time!" "I can't stand it that Bill had to ask him for help because of me." "Well, thank God he did." "You guys have done real well, Barb." "Bill's worked hard." "He couldn't have done it without you." "Thank you." "You've sacrificed a lot." " Hey!" " Hey." "So, your dad says you made varsity." "Baseball." "Is that true?" "Yeah, I played right field J.V. Last year." "The Cougars came in second in the state." "That's great." "Did you ever play baseball, Uncle Joe?" "Nah." "Football was always my game." "In fact, I almost forgot." "I, uh, brought you this." " No way." "It's your Super Bowl ring!" " Joey..." "I always kinda wanted you to have it, that's all." " Look." " Oh." "There's still a couple of the diamonds left in there." "Oh, you don't have to do this, Joey." "I love it." "Thank you so much!" ""Bop. " I used to get "Tiger Beat. "" "This is nice." "Is it for music?" "Yeah, I download from iTunes, and then I burn my own CDs." "It's my collection." "I still love music and singing." "Remember when we used to play?" "Yeah, I do." "We sang songs." "That was fun." "Our Community Center is doing a play." "We're doing "Harvey. "" "I'm Pooka." "My friend Lorraine is Elwood P. Dowd." "How come you stopped coming to see me?" "I couldn't." "What's it like being married?" "It's a pre-marriage placement." "That's what it's called now, to get around the law until I'm 16." "I wasn't forced." "The other sister-wives hate me 'cause old Roman likes me best." "Do you love him?" "He's sweet to me." "The greatest freedom we have is obedience." "This guitar came all the way across the country a long time ago, Raymond." "What do you think?" "Should we open your presents?" "All right, everyone." "Let's open some presents." "This one first?" "Timberlands!" "Look!" "Bass Weejuns." "Thank you, Mother." "A Teddy bear and a balloon from flowers." "Com!" "Thank you, Mother." "All right, what about this one, huh?" "A $50 gift card to Tower Records!" "They have DVDs and videos." "Mom?" "Hey, what's up?" "What is it?" "What's wrong?" "You." "Everyone thinks it." "No one will say it." " Hurts me to be the one." " Say what?" "You've not only taken his side, you've become just like him, just like your father." "Oh no, Mother." "Don't do this." "Not here." "I've got Roman to deal with, and you're a guest in my home." " Come back to the party." " I thought you'd be different." "Taking that young girl, that Margene, you call her." "I call her Margene because that's her name." "Plural marriage is a religious calling, not a license to coerce young girls..." "Coerce?" "Nobody has coerced anybody." "I taught you that, didn't I?" "Margene chose us, not me her or we her... she us." "We all debated it, we all considered it, and we all agreed." "Come on, everybody." "It's time to sing "Happy Birthday. "" "Darn it!" "You stay put." "I'll be right back." "What is that?" "It's pudding." "It's a dump truck filled with pudding!" "Bill!" "Bill, I need you to come down now!" "Yes, yes, really." "I was in customer service at Home Plus, but people were always yelling at me." "But there's nothing wrong with the stuff." "It's just that I wasn't really good at it." " So Bill brought me home to babysit." " Babysit?" "Mother, you're not listening." "But I had never known a family that works that... that I could be a part of." " You married the babysitter?" " No." "I wanted to be a wife." "I wanted to be a member of the family." " Uh, yes, thank you." " Mmm-hmm." "And thank you so much for having finally taken the time to introduce me to your new wife and my grandchildren!" "Mother, we hadn't even seen each other in almost two years!" " And whose fault is that?" " It's not my fault." "Daddy, Grandpa Frank's outside." "He says he won't come in, but he just wants to say hi to you, Grandma." "Done?" "I wasn't finished with that." "Nice party." "If that wasn't a gross display of..." "I don't know what... vulgar materialism, cheesy and a complete slap in the face..." "Yes, well, you do have your Lladro." "A collection of Lladro is not materialism." "You have no idea how difficult my life is." "No earthly idea!" " Honey..." " Nick?" "Hey, Bill, you're a businessman." "This'll interest you." " Sorry, I'll talk to you..." " No, listen." "We're stocking our fish farm, and we had a choice between trout and tilapia, and we went with trout." " That's wonderful." " Wait a minute." "We could have gone with crappy or bluegill, but who eats crappy around here?" "Maybe they eat crappy in some place like Missouri or Arkansas." "Fact is, I never even heard of crappy before." "It's crop-pee." " Huh?" " It's pronounced crop-pee, not crappy." "He doesn't bother me one bit." "Not one little bit." "Why are you here?" "I want you to admit that you did it." "Did what?" "Frank, you listen to me." "I have nothing to confess, because I didn't do anything." "If I'd tried to kill ya, you'd be dead." "Humph." "You didn't do anything?" "Then why do you have a guilty conscience?" "Because you're sick." "Because you're a menace." " Wrong." " Wrong?" "You came over and you shot Gummo." " That's the reason?" " You shot my dog!" " Oh." " For no good reason!" "Your dog was all stoved up." "He wouldn't have made it through the winter, and you know it." "You shot him!" "Go home, go home!" "You weren't invited." "You're not wanted." "Just go home, Frank!" "You go home." " No, you go home." " I'm not goin' home." "You think for one minute those people want you in their house?" " At least I was invited." " Oh." "Run through the car wash while you're at it!" " Have you seen Nicki?" " She's upset, Bill." " I know, I know..." " I think she's upstairs." "Nicki?" "Honey?" " You can tell me." " No, Dad." " You can tell me." " No." "Nicki." "Yes, Bill?" "Some of the guests are leaving." "Come down." "You have robbed me of the tithes and offerings due to me." "And don't be trying to protect yourself, son, because there's no place to hide." " Night, y'all." " Good night, Bill, Barb." "Bye-bye." "It was very nice to meet you all." "...hot lunch programs." "Hot launch programs." "I mean, here we are talking about the fact that the war in Iraq..." "That's a big life he's leading now." "Baby, I don't need no house like that." "I just need you." "That's all I want, and I got you, so I'm happy." "So don't you go worryin' about it, you hear?" "Hey." "Sorry it didn't turn out like you planned, hon." "No, it was fine." "We're here now." "I don't fit in anywhere." "No." "No, that's not true." " Dad!" " Ow!" "How do you turn it off?"