"Yes, Sir." "Correct, Sir." "Absolutely, Sir." "Your bed it's already made, Sir." "***" "Pops is coming into town." "Oh!" "Nice." "Is he still the most terrifying dad on the face of the planet?" "Mm-hmm." "Guys, he's not that scary." "He pulled a sword on me at your wedding." "Okay, first of all, he was in full military dress." "Second of all, you drove my grandma's rascal into a pool." "Okay, your grandma and I were going shot for shot," "And I was just..." "ugh!" "You know that guy jeremy" "That I thought was so a-mah-zing?" "Mm-hmm." "He just pexted me." "Penis text. "pext"?" "Oh." "Oh." "wow." "That's not worth it." "Whoa, that is small." "Alex and I are in such a boy slump." "Whoa, whoa." "Back up." "I am not in a slump." "I'm not even trying to date anyone." "Girl slumps do not exist." "Do you want to know a foolproof way for a girl to break a slump?" "Step one...decide to have sex." "Step two...have some sex." "Oh!" "Women be shopping." "Women be shopping." "They do." "It's not about intercourse." "It's about meeting someone who's cool and nice," "And if intercourse happens to take place, no complaints." "Maybe you're in a slump 'cause you keep using the word "intercourse."" "want to know what jane calls "intercourse"?" "no." "Doing the "straight-up..."" "beep!" "la, la, la, la." ""..." "In sexy time valley."" "Oh!" "Oh." "Oh, really?" "You want me to pext him back?" "If you're gonna do that, give it to brad." "*" "Captioned by closed captioning services, inc." "Max, just calling to make sure you remember the toilet paper," "The bread, and we're almost out of ketchup." "I got none of that crap." "but guess what I did get." "Oh, no, he didn't." "Oh, yes, he did." "Dude, aren't we a little old for toys?" "On the box, it says "ages 8 and up." that's us." "I work all day, I buy all the groceries," "I do all the cooking... and I appreciate that." "You're like my mom, but hotter." "Come on, man, I s really counting on that toilet paper." "Well, then why don't you clean your charlie sheen with this?" "My turn." "What?" "What." "Huh!" "I'm out of bullets!" "I'm out of bullets, too!" "What do we do?" "!" "We call the homeless swede down the block" "And tell him to be our ammo jockey!" "We could just pi 'em up off the tv. yeah, I don't want him going through my house." "So what do you wanna do with your dad tonight?" "He's gotta go to bed early." "He's going to the hospital for some tests tomorrow morning." "What kind of tests?" "M.R.I., cat scan, e.K.G. Routine stuff." "Routine?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "No, my morning routine is a cup of coffee," "A mammogram, and a camera up my va-jane-a." "Are you sure everything is okay?" "Totally." "And if it wasn't," "I'm sure he would've talked to me about it." "Really?" "'cause I kinda feel like you guys don't talk that much." "7:30." "No." "Scottie pippen." "I mean, more than just "what time is the bulls' game?"" ""are you going?" and "if you had to sleep" "With one bull, who would it be?" okay, first of all, that's not what he asked me," "But if he did, the answer is b.J. Armstrong." "You don't get that name for nothin'." "Clean it up." "What?" "His arms are strong." "I'm just saying, he might be scared about these tests." "I think you should really talk to him about it. fine." "If it'll make you feel better," "I'll talk to him, if there's an opening." "Great." "And stop cleaning." "The place looks great." "Why you getting all "jane" on me?" "Why do you keep putting your name in every sentence?" "'cause that's how I jane." "No." "okay, my dad is always on time," "So he should be here" "In approximately three, two, one." "Oh." "Sorry I'm late." "Hi, francis." "Uh..." "Bags." "Okay, we are breaking the slump." "I feel good about tonight!" "excuse me, ladies." "These ribs are from the gentleman across the bar." "And I feel less good." "Who sends over ribs?" "We're turning this into a drinking game, okay?" "We'll talk to as many guys as we can." "The first sign of creepiness, we take a shot." "Yeah!" "I love it." "Yeah!" "How about we retire to my apartment," "Where we can enjoy what the french call sauvignon blanc?" "It's not sexist if it's racist." "Then we can do what the french call le 3-way sex." "You know, I'm always thinking about what's next for me... mm." "Sure." "In the afterlife." "Boom." "Boom." "Bing." "bam!" "Sarah palin...if she were black..." "You guys don't know what you're...forget it." "I'm getting a "no" from this side..." "Pfft." "And a "maybe"?" "Wow." "There are zero cool guys." "Slump continues." "I don't know." "I'm kinda rethinking the rib guy." "Do you need a wet-nap?" "That's the way I eat 'em." "I can't watch this." "You just gotta take it down, like a champ." "So..." "Brad, here we all are." "Great time to ask people how people are feeling" "About things that are..." "Happening." "Mmm." "Uh, yeah, dad, I wanted to ask you how you felt about, um," "That new '91 bulls documentary." "I very much enjoyed it." "It's nice to go back to the days when basketball meant more" "Than getting neck tattoos" "And shooting your pistol off in the club." "Or passing around a kardashian." "What's that?" "Uh, there's these...these girls and a sex tape... so, francis..." "Doctors are looking under the old hood tomorrow?" "How you feeling about that?" "Well, you know, you always worry a little bit." "It's only natural." "I'll be all right." "Totally." "Well, I'm gonna turn in." "Got a busy day tomorrow." "Jane." "Good night." "Bradley." "What the hell was that?" "What?" "Didn't you see me make the "opening" gesture?" "Oh, that's what that was?" "I thought you were separating two boxing mice." "That's what you thought this was?" "Oh, yeah." "No, now I see it." "Yeah." "The little white one" "And the brown guy?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the brown guy with little boxing gloves." "what's that one's name?" "The brown one?" "Mice tyson." "Oh, mice tyson!" "So cute." "I love them." "Anyway, he gave you an opening." "I mean, it was a clear shot." "Why didn't you take it?" "My dad and I are fine." "Have you and father ever even said "I love you" to each other?" "We don't have to say it" "Because we show it by not saying it." "Like how the mountains never say it to the sea," "And yet the sea knows?" "All right, do you ever think about these things" "Before you say them or just... yeah, I do." "I think, "wow." "That's brilliant." "I should say that out loud," and then I say it out loud," "And it's spectacular." "It exceeds my expectations." "Right." "I'm drunk." "tonight was a bust." "Let's go." "I dvr'd that new weight loss show for clairvoyants..." ""large mediums." whoa." "Pump the brakes, sister." "Two gorgeous guys, incoming." "Hello, kind sirs." "Of course." "They only speak gibberish." "We finally meet two supercute guys," "And they only speak italian." "(speaking italia" "Oh, my god!" "I speak a lot of italian!" "Still gibberish." "You guys don't say "I love you" to your dads, right?" "All the time." "When I need money, so all the time." "'cause jane says I need to open up to my dad" "About feelings and stuff." "If we're gonna have this emo conversation," "I'm gonna need you to put on the hat. fine." "There ya go." "Aw, buddy, look, if it's really a concern for you," "Just tell him that you love him." "I mean, life is uncertain." "One minute you're talking about your dad going into the hospital" "For some tests and stuff," "And the next minute..." "This happens." "oh!" "Come on, guys!" "Not my sex nose!" "Tests came back fine." "thank god." "You're lucky to have such a healthy father." "That's great news." "Thank you." "You know, jane, I've been thinking about what you said," "And I feel like this is the perfect opening" "For me to tell him I love him." "Yeah." "You gotta do it." "I love you, dad." "Why are you saying that to me?" "you never said that to me before." "Wait." "Why are you" "Doing this with your chest, man?" "Are they gonna cut me open?" "Am...am I gonna die?" "No." "am I gonna die?" "I-I can't die." "I got stuff I got to do." "am I... am I gonna die, doc?" "I'm scared." "So I said "I love you" to my dad," "And it almost killed him." "Never doing that again." "He just had a panic attack." "He's fine." "It's good that you guys said "I love you" to each other." "Yeah." "Funny story, though." "He never actually said it back to me." "But, you know, it's okay." "He's my dad." "He's a really reserved guy." "Good morning, party people!" "Huh?" "I feel amazing." "I feel like I'm alive for the first time," "And I got somethin' to say." "Brad..." "Yeah?" "I love..." "This tracksuit." "Man, it is so comfortable!" "So much dangle room." "Look at that!" "Hey, look, can I buy this from you?" "Dad, you can have it." "You'd do that for me?" "Of course." "Brad." "I love..." "This tracksuit so much." "It just feels so good." "You know what I want to do?" "Some racketeering or..." "I want to live!" "Okay." "Come on." "Let's go get jiggy with stuff." "Now I'm-a go upstairs and throw away" "All my non-track-style suits because this is my new look." "We gon' go get crunk." "Ooh!" "I'm getting crunk!" "Oh." "Oh, okay." "Those are weird moves." "Mm?" "Look at this!" "Hoo-hoo!" "see?" "He's..." "Opening up." "Yeah, to, uh, tracksuits and '90s slang." "oh, I am so hungover." "Me, too." "And I'm, like, weirdly full." "You ate a half slab of ribs last night," "Then chased it with a full slab." "You busted out fluent italian." "I did, didn't I?" "I mean, you did spend that semester in florence." "I mean, maybe some of that italian actually sunk in." "Ah, those sweet chianti-soaked nights," "Strolling the banks of the arno," "Meeting amazing people from all over the big ten." "All right, stop bragging." "If I could speak it last night," "Why don't I understand any of this?" "I mean, it's, like, a mystery." "Chinese, but it's actually italian." "Yeah." "I mean, what's different from last night?" "I don't know, but I gotta figure it out, 'cause I really like this guy." "I feel like you say that a lot." "I mean, what's changed?" "I'm still the same old me." "I'm just not hammered." "Yep." "That's it." "Can we get a round of mimosas, please?" "Oh, come on." "Okay, that sounds cool." "* hey, mambo, mambo italiano * * hey, hey, mambo * mmm!" "* mambo italiano, go, go, go, you mixed-up siciliano *" "Mmm!" "Okay." ""ciao" is "hello." "pennissima" is "little penny."" "That's all I got." "Drink." "* dance the rumba *" "Good service." "Yes." "I love her." "She's on it." "So cute." "She's so sweet." "She's so pretty." "Thank you." "Eh." "Ma'am!" "she's a bitch." "* when you mambo italiano*" ""hello, penny." ""please meet us at the same time and place tonight." "Bring your friend."" "Oh, my god." "When I get drunk, I speak italian." "oh, my god." "When I get drunk I eat ribs." "So did you have fun last night?" "Yeah, sorta." "Hey, now let's talk to some women," "You know, "try and have sex with 'em." okay." "Not my thing, but okay." "Dad, uh, please stop. 'cause ever since your mom lt, man, I'm super horny." "I mean, it makes it hard to drive." "Oh, god." "You know, it was fine when he never said he loved anything," "But last night, he was dropping "l"-bombs all over the place." "Not one of 'em hit me." "Brad, I really love..." "Your friends." "yeah." "My new dad." "Stings a bit." "I know, honey, but I bet if you say it to him again," "He'll say it right back." "You just need to create" "The right moment." "You know what?" "You should take the day off work" "And you should take him on a dad date." "Okay, but I'm not calling it that." ""dad date" sounds like a terrible michael keaton movie." "Or an amazing ted danson movie." "* my child arrived just the other day * * he came to the world in the usual way * * but there werplanes to catch and bills to pay * * he learned to walk while I was away *" "okay." "It's lit." "It's lit." "Hold it." "Don't...don't throw it." "Don't throw it." "Don't throw..." "Hey!" "What the hell are you doing?" "!" "Hey!" "Come here!" "Come back here!" "* and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon * * little boy blue and the man in the moon *" "* "when you coming home, son?" *" "Damn!" "Damn!" "* "but we'll get together then, dad" * hey!" "Hey!" "* "we're gonna have a good time then" *" "Come back here!" "man, that was the best day ever." "I loved everything about it." "Anything or anyone in particular that you loved today?" "Nope." "Tip to tail, I loved the day." "Here you go, gentlemen." "Oh, no, look at this." "He brought us the lobster mash and the creamed spinach." "Really?" "What?" "You're hugging waiters now?" "Brad." "Look, dad, I love the new fran, but it kinda bothers me that" "The new fran loves everything and everyone except me." "It was super tough for me to say "I love you,"" "And you didn't even say it back." "In my defense, I thought I was having a heart attack." "Besides, you know how I feel about you." "I mean, what says" ""I love you" more th setting off firecrackers?" "Saying "I love you"?" "Okay, fine." "Let's try it again." "Fine." "D, I love you." "Dad?" "Daddy?" "Dad, I...it's okay." "I'm emotional, too." "Wow." "I don't think I've ever seen you cry before." "This is a huge breakthrough." "I know you like the steak." "That's why I brought you here." "Mm!" "It's good steak." "Oh, my god!" "Sir?" "whoa!" "You're okay." "Thank god." "You saved my life." "No, no, no." "Don't move." "Those big, strong arms..." "bring it in." "Bring it in." "Hey, get your own damn daddy." "Mm." "Penny's out with the italians again." "They didn't want you to go with them?" "I don't think they like me." "eh, I'm mario." "I'm-a gonna win-a." "La, la, la, la." "Whatever." "Why would I want to be there anyway" "If I can't understand anything?" "You said the same thing" "When you tried to drop out of eighth grade." "Guys, can we focus on what's important," "Which is that I've run out of cool things to shoot?" "16, 17, 18, 19..." "No!" "No teen!" "$20." "I can't get myself up." "You can do it." "Dave, I-I can't do it." "Going down!" "Okay, aren't you guys a little old to be playing with toys?" "Honestly?" "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me." "There's a total chach across the street" "Sniffing a hot girl's shoe." "That's avi from the vitamin store." "Notice the candles and the mini kimono." "Yep, he thinks of everything." "Gentlemen, we have our next target." "Hi." "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Penny..." "Mm." "Stop it!" "Oh!" "Oh, man!" "Ooh!" "Ah!" "Mm." "Mm-hmm." "Penny..." "Whew." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I can't believe we've been shooting at mini-kimono guy" "For an hour and a half and we still haven't hit him." "Sidebar..." "I can't believe" "He's been having sex for an hour and a half." "The window is closing." "He's closing his window." "We're missing our shot." "Well, I guess that's it." "There's only one thing left to do." "Clean the house?" "Watch "large mediums"?" "No." "Another thing." "God, I love that guy." "He's gonna get caught." "No way." "My boy max is super stealthy." "Pull down the window." "Pull it down." "Now it's go time." "Yes!" "All right, dave, this this it." "Take the shot." "Whew." "Huh?" "And we're going to prison." "Ahh." "Oh, my god!" "This was an incredible trip..." "Saw millennium park, did a little shopping," "Almost died twice." "Yep." "You know, this experience made me realize" "That I need to live a little." "You sure do." "Maybe not quite this much." "Absolutely." "Mnh-mnh." "It also made me realize I need to say "I love you" to my son." "Aw, dad." "Aw!" "Shucks." "I'm gonna leave you two." "That should hold her for a while." "Good." "Yeah." "You know, I really do love you." "Just saying it isn't my thing." "That's cool." "My thing is gonna be tracksuits" "And light to moderate strip-clubbing." "Less cool." "bring it in." "Bring it in." "Ohh." "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god." "Oh, my god. oh!" "This is bad." "Okay." "Oh, no, that's mrs." "Klein!" "Oh, my god." "Did mrs." "Klein get hurt?" "Oh, no." "No one was hurt in the fire." "She fell and shattered her pelvis six days ago." "In fact, if it wasn't for the fire," "The poor thing would've starved to death." "Whew!" "Wow." "Gotta be a lesson here." "Yeah, you were right." "We're too old to be playing with toys." "No, man." "We're kinda heroes here." "My mini kimono!" "It's ruined!" "It's ruined!" "Check that." "We're superheroes." "Tri-five." "Hey, how's it going?" "Max." "Hey." "All right." "You guys doing good work, doing the lord's work." "Anybody wanna get a drink after?" "Rosalita's." "Hey." "That hose looks heavy." "Ooh, the doctor is in." "I just brewed up a batch of some pomegranate kombucha." "Oh." "Don't mind if I do." "You know, I'm so glad that we met at the vitamin store." "Mm." "Tell me...what's your favorite supplement?" "Mm." "Well, if I had to pick just one..." "Oh, yeah?" "I'd say..." "vitamin d." "Mm. good choice." "But if I had to pick another one on the list," "I'd definitely say vitamin..." "Sex." "Ooh, I take that one daily." "Ooh." "Yes." "Let's crank up some enya." "Hurry back." "See you in hell, avi." "oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "Oh, ho, ho!" "Yeah!" "Right in the sex nose!"