"Previously on The Big Bang Theory..." "I am going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali." " For three months?" " Yes." "What did you mean when you said you were going to miss me?" "It means I wish you weren't going." "Thank God we're home." "I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell." "It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening." "I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half." "Hi, Mom." "I told you I'd call you when I got home." "I'm not home yet." "All right, I'm home." "The Arctic expedition was a remarkable success." "I'm all but certain there's a Nobel Prize in my future." "Actually, I shouldn't say that." "I'm entirely certain." "No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety." "The fact that I'm home safe doesn't prove it worked." "That logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc." "No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk." "I'm gonna let Penny know we're back." "Mother, I have to go." "Love you." "Bye." "Hello, old friend." "Daddy's home." "Leonard, you're back." "I just stopped by to say..." "So, hi." "Damn it, I should have gone over and told her we were back." "Yeah, it was first-come, first-serve." "Episode 301:" "The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation" "Sync:" "Jess, Golgi, Loky34" "I just want you both to know, when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions." " Great." " Thanks." "Of course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get around to writing my memoirs, you can expect a very effusive footnote and perhaps a signed copy." "We have to tell him." "Tell me what?" "Damn his Vulcan hearing." "You fellows are planning a party for me, aren't you?" "Okay, Sheldon, sit down." "If there's going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don't care for luau, toga or "under the sea."" "Yeah, we'll keep that in mind." "Look..." "We need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole." "If this is about the night the heat went out, there's nothing to be embarrassed about." " It's not about that." " We agreed to never speak of it again." "So we slept together naked." "It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting." "He's speaking about it." "For me, it was a bonding moment." "Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?" "We were gonna be gentle with him." "That's why I added the "tator."" "And when we finally got our first positive data, you were so happy." "In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital "D."" "Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn't so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was... static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off." "He just went colon, capital "O."" " You tampered with my experiment?" " We had to." "It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian." "You see that?" "I add the "ensian. "" "Did Leonard know about this?" "Leonard's my best friend in the world." "Surely Leonard didn't know." "It was his idea." "Of course it was." "The whole plan reeks of Leonard." " I missed you so much." " I missed you, too." "I couldn't think of anyone else while you were gone." "Me, neither." "Except for one night when the heat went out." "Long story." "Don't ask." "Do not make a sound." "Whispering, "Do not make a sound... "" "is a sound." "Damn his Vulcan hearing." "Not a good time, Sheldon." "Oh, this is ridiculous." " What?" " Hello." "I realize you're currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?" "It's great to see you too." "Come on in." "Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception." "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" "Yes, I feel terrible about it." "I will never forgive myself, I don't expect you to, either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance." "Can someone please tell me what's going on here?" "What's going on is I was led to believe" "I was making groundbreaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy." "Is that true?" "It was the only way to make him happy." "Make him happy?" "When he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him." "There was even a plan." "We were going to throw his Kindle outside, when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death." "That seems like a bit of an overreaction." "The overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell, "Mush. "" "We kept the original data." "You can still publish the actual results." "Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I've already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man's understanding of the universe." "Aw, see, yeah, you probably shouldn't have done that." "So write another e-mail." "Set the record straight." "No big deal." "You're right, Leonard." "It's not a big deal." "All you did was lie to me, destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university." "That, FYI, was sarcasm." "I, in fact, believe it is a big deal." "The poor thing." " Yeah, I feel terrible." " Wait." "Wait." "Aren't you going to go talk to him?" "He'll be fine." "The guy's a trouper." "Come here." "You're right, you shouldn't talk to him." "I will." "Man, I cannot catch a break." "Do you want to talk?" "About what?" "Being betrayed by my friends?" "Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing?" "And I didn't even get to go to Comic-Con!" "Oh, hon..." "Soft kitty, warm kitty" "That's for when I'm sick." "Sad is not sick." "Sorry." "I don't know your sad song." "I don't have a sad song." "I'm not a child." "You know, I do understand what you're going through." "Really?" "Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?" "Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was gonna be named head cheerleader." "I was so excited." "My mom even made me a celebration pie." "Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader." "Big ol' slutbag." "Are you saying that you think a "celebration pie"" "is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?" "They're pretty tasty." "And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheerleader?" "Look, Sheldon, I just don't think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you." "They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation." "You know what it's like?" "Remember that scene in the new Star Trek when Kirk has to take over the ship, so he tells Spock all that stuff he knew wasn't true, like saying Spock didn't care his mom died?" "I missed Comic-Con and the New Star Trek movie!" " I like the new look." " Thanks." "I call it "the Clooney."" "I call it "the Mario and Luigi," but whatever." "How's Sheldon doing?" "He came out of his room this morning wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the force, so I'd say, "a little better."" "If I may abruptly change the subject, did you and Penny finally..." "You know." "Personally, I don't care, but my genitals wanted me to ask." "Tell your genitals what I do with Penny is none of their business." "He says they didn't do it." "Sheldon, over here." "What are you doing?" "I feel bad for the guy." "Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself?" "Because I am without friends." "Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone." "Even while seated." "Come on." "We said we were sorry." "It's going to take more than an "I'm sorry"" "and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you've done to me." "Read your retraction email." "Way to destroy your reputation." "You see?" "People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning." "That's not true." "People have been pointing and laughing at you your whole life." "I've had enough." "Attention, everyone." "I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper." "As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour." "Off a cliff." "My credibility may have been damaged..." "Completely wrecked." "But I would like to remind you that in science, there's no such thing as failure." "There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single "biggest blunder" of his career." "That man's name was..." "surprise, surprise..." "Albert Einstein." "Yeah, but research into dark energy proved that Einstein's cosmological constant was actually right all along, so you're still... surprise, surprise..." "A loser." "You think you're so clever." "Let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy." "So much for our friendship with Sheldon." "We'll always have the night the heat went out." "Since we got interrupted last night," "I didn't have a chance to give you this." "You shouldn't have." "Oh, boy!" "What is it?" "It's a snowflake." "From the North Pole." "Are you serious?" "It's eternal." "I preserved it in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin." "That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me that I didn't understand." "It's actually a simple process." "Cyanoacrylates are monomers which polymerize on..." "Red alert, Leonard." "Sheldon ran away." "Man, I cannot catch a break." "So, how do you know he ran away?" "Well, he's not answering his phone, he handed in his resignation at the university and he sent me a text that said, "I'm running away."" "Thanks for letting me know." "Aren't you going to do something?" "Of course I'm going to do something." "Howard, you check the comic book store." "Raj, go to the thai restaurant." "I'll stay here with Penny in her apartment." "Oh, damn it." "It's Sheldon's mother." "A break cannot be caught." "Hi, Mrs. Cooper." "He is?" "Sheldon went home to Texas." "Yeah, no, I know he resigned." "I guess it kind of is our fault." "No, you're right." "Someone needs to come talk to him." "Don't worry, I'll take care of it." "All right." "New plan." "Howard, you and Raj go to Texas." "I'll stay with Penny in her apartment." "You're not gonna go with them?" "Well, you know, I gave you the snowflake and we were kissing and..." "Come on, I don't want to go to Texas!" "Oh, right, and I do?" "My people already crossed a desert once." "We're done." "Trust me, you'll be fine." "See ya." "Well, wait a second, Leonard." "Come on, how can you not go?" "He's your best friend." "Yeah, but I already saw him naked." "Just come here." "I promise I will be here when you get back." "Just go help Sheldon." " Really?" " Yeah." "We waited a few months." "We can wait a few more days." "Maybe you can." "Go." "Boy, you cannot catch a break, can you?" "Here you go, Shelly." "Thanks, Mom." "Hold your horses, young man." "Here in Texas, we pray before we eat." "Aw, Mom." "This is not California, land of the heathen." "Gimme." "By His hand we are all  fed." "Give us, Lord, our daily  bread." " Please know that we are truly..." " ... grateful." " For every cup and every..." " ... plateful." "Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?" "My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty." "Whatever." "Jesus still loves you." "Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich." "Oh, I know how to take care of my baby." "His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he's Chinese." "So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends?" " They're not my friends." " All right." "If you recall, when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids." "That was different." "They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me." "Oh baby, they knew very well why they hated you." "I can't believe you bought a red cowboy hat." "Hello?" "I'm wearing a red turtleneck." "Plus, it was the only boys' large they had." "I'm sorry, this does not look like Texas." "Where's the tumbleweeds?" "Whe's the saloons?" "Saloons?" "Like in the movies I saw growing up in India." "You know, Four for Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas." "This neighborhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre." "I was really hoping to see a cattle drive." "What can I tell you?" "They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there." "Will you please take that stupid hat off?" "No, I want to blend in." "To what?" "Toy Story?" " Hi, boys." " Howdy, ma'am." "Howdy to you, too." "You got here quick." " We took the red-eye." " Well, come on in." "Thank you kindly." " Can I get you something to drink?" " No, thank you." "If y'all don't mind, I got a hankerin' for a Lone Star beer." "There's no alcohol in this household." "Stop talking like that and lose the hat." "Sorry." "I'll take a diet Yoo-Hoo if you have it." "You'll take a cola." "What about you?" "Radge, isn't it?" "You still having trouble talking to the ladies?" "Because, at our church, we have a woman who's an amazing healer." "Mostly she does crutch and wheelchair people, but I bet she'd be willing to take a shot at whatever Third World demon is running around inside of you." "If you don't mind, there's a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angeles and you have no idea how much I want to be on it." " A girl?" " Uh, yes, ma'am." "Oh, good." "I been praying for you." " What are they doing here?" " We came to apologize." " Again." " And bring you home." "Why don't you pack up your stuff and we'll head back?" "No, this is my home now." "Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists." "You watch your mouth, Shelly." "Everyone's entitled to their opinion." "Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact." "And that is your opinion." "I forgive you." "Let's go home." "Don't tell me prayer doesn't work." "How about that?" "I finally caught a break." "You know how they say when friends have sex, it can get weird?" "Sure." "Why does it have to get weird?" "I don't know." "I mean, we were friends, and now we're more than friends." "We're whatever "this" is." "But why label it, right?" "I mean..." "It is what it is and..." " Leonard?" "It's weird." " Totally."