"Deported?" "That's right." " But..." " There are no buts." "It's the I.N.S." "He's got brown skin." "He's been accused of a violent crime." "He's going." "Do you know why he was arrested, what he was charged...?" "He was arrested because you insisted I call Julia." "So I called Julia, and she called the police." "This ought to teach you to stay out of the business of second-hand diagnosis." "Let qualified people do the work instead." "When you talk about qualified people doing this work, are you including yourself in that?" "Are you suggesting that I'm to blame?" "I'm not suggesting anything." "Because I wouldn't have called if I..." "I understand that." "I'm not accusing you of anything." "You've been talking for weeks about a loss of perspective, questioning the efficacy of your practice, doubting certain decisions." "I was right about this one." "Based on what you told me, I felt there was a risk that needed to be addressed." "I'm still not clear why you're so certain the risk wasn't real." "Sunil just told me flat out he never intended to hurt Julia." "So the police came as he planned." "He refused to show his papers, also as planned." "I mean, what part of that do you not understand?" "You've been told by Sunil that much of what he shared was fiction." "Correct?" "Mm-hmm." "Yet when he claims that he never intended to hurt Julia..." "I'm just not sure how you're deciding which of these stories to believe." " You've never met him." " That's true." "And you've never had the experience of sitting down and speaking with him." "See, I'm talking about an instinct that I had that you refuse to trust." "I know Sunil is not a dangerous person." "Okay, let's take everything at face value." "Everything he said to you this week... we'll believe it's true." "This is what he wanted... to be sent home to Calcutta." "That's right." "Then why are you so upset?" "( Theme music playing )" "We've discussed for some time your strong identification with Sunil, that you've come to care about him, relate to him." "Would you say that's true?" "Even to think of him as perhaps something of a friend?" "Does it make you angry to consider that you may have been betrayed by a friend in this way?" "May I offer another possible source for your anger?" "Sure." "Do you think any part of you might be envious of Sunil?" "Why would I be envious of a man who's being deported?" "Because he's found a way to change his life and you haven't." "I could understand your being envious of that." "You know, all week I've been..." "I've just been going over and over" "Sunil's treatment in my head, you know... what was really happening, what was fantasy." "Even when I'm with other patients," "I'm thinking about him, tuning them out completely." "And when I force myself to focus and actually listen to what they're saying," "I just..." "I just find myself questioning the whole thing." "How do I really know that what I'm being told isn't bullshit?" "What am I blind to this time?" "That's quite a hopeless feeling you're describing." "I got a phone message the other day from a prospective patient who asked me if I had any free appointments in my schedule." "I haven't been able to get back to that person yet." "Why not?" "What would you tell them if you did?" "I don't know." "What would you want to tell them?" "Well, whenever I think of making the call," "I can only imagine saying that I'm not taking any new patients." "What does it mean to you to hear yourself say that?" "Does it mean you're thinking of cutting back on your practice?" "Are you thinking of closing it?" "You look more pregnant." "I... yes, I guess I am." "Do you know what you're gonna do when the baby is born?" "Do you plan to keep on working?" "I do." "I'll take a few months at home, but then yes, I'll keep working." "I want to." "And you?" "You still haven't answered my question." "Are you thinking of closing your practice?" "I don't know." "It came into my head when I was sitting across from Jesse this week." "He told me he was quitting therapy." "Why?" "Why?" "Because he was convinced that he has to choose between his father and me." "And he's chosen his father." "What did you say to him?" "I don't think he heard anything I said really." "There was a time..." "a time I used to believe that you could say something clearly and the other person would hear it, digest it, respond." "I don't think I believe that anymore." "Maybe any serious communication between two people is useless." "Even without outright lying, people only hear what they really want to hear or what they're capable of hearing, which..." "( Chuckles )" "Which often has very little resemblance to what was actually said." "At this moment each of these setbacks feels like a terrible blow." "Can we talk about why these losses feel so devastating?" "Why don't you tell me?" "I think it has something to do with what you've done repeatedly." "You've blurred boundaries with your patients, treated them as friends or children or... again and again you have allowed your own feelings to interfere." "Why do you think Sunil was able to fool you so easily?" "Why do you think that deception affects you so deeply?" "Two weeks ago you saw Jesse late at night." "Now you're terribly hurt that Jesse's turned to his father." "It's all connected, Paul." "It's a pattern." "It's one you could break if..." "I need to stop." "You... you need to stop?" "I need to stop seeing patients." "That's what you're telling me." "And you're right." "I'm not telling you to do anything." "I'm only trying to get you to examine what might be... fine, it's what I've been telling you then, what I've really known myself for a very long time." "Is that really what you want?" "There are many many ways to make changes, Paul." "I know that." "Okay." "Do you know... if this is a real possibility, have you thought about what might be next?" "Do I have to have a plan?" "Of course not." "Just... what?" "I don't know." "I just found myself wondering what my life would have been if I hadn't gone down this path, you know, if I hadn't become a therapist." "All I know is that I can't spend the next 10 or 20 years like this, locked in a room, listening." "It's striking to hear you talk about the next 10 or 20 years." "I mean, up until now you've been convinced you only had a fraction of that time left." "Well, maybe I've been taking what the doctors have told me about the Parkinson's a bit more objectively." "I'm willing to wait and see." "And maybe during that time I'll finally figure out what it is that I want from my life." "Is there anything that comes to mind?" "Not specifically, no." "Nothing at all?" "I broke up with Wendy." "It was at the breakfast table yesterday." "I hadn't planned to do it." "It just sort of came out." "You seem surprised." "Do I?" "I guess I just wanted to free myself." " Free yourself?" " Yes." "Free yourself for what?" "I was never in love with Wendy." "I know that." "And honestly," "I've even started to wonder if I was ever really in love with Kate and whether love is something" "I'm really capable of." "Wendy said she wanted to talk about our relationship." "And she started to cry." "She couldn't stop crying." "And inside I..." "I just didn't feel anything." "Yeah, I knew I should have been feeling sad or at the very least guilty." "But..." "I kept saying to myself, "she's in pain." "She's in pain." "You can help her."" "But I couldn't move." "I couldn't even take her hand." "I just wanted her to leave." "To free yourself." "I think up until this point you've sought out relationships that are safe, where the risk to yourself emotionally is a small one." "Outside the office you keep your distance." "Inside, you do the opposite... you overinvest." "You seek out intimacy." "But whether it's Wendy," "Kate, your patients... they're all substitutes of a kind, allowing you to avoid actually engaging in the world, experiencing life in any real way." "I think what you're telling me is that you're ready to stop doing this." "Ending things with Wendy sounds like a step in the right direction." "Ending your practice..." "I'm not sure that's precisely the right answer." "But it does feel right to me to hear you talk about freeing yourself." "I think that's a good description of the work that lies ahead... for you, for us together." "I'm not coming back." "I'm sorry." "You just took me to task on my unhealthy relationships." "Do you not see this as one of them?" "I..." "I don't think..." "I think it's entirely different." "Why is that?" "Because you're my therapist?" "Because whatever's been going on between us is completely routine, a standard critical part of the therapeutic process?" "I think you're aware of how these sorts of feelings function." "Transference, countertransference... just go with it, grow from it..." " Explore it as illuminating." " I can't do that." "I'm sorry." "I just can't do it." "It's too... it's too confusing for me." "Why do you find it so confusing?" "Because I can't tell what's real." "How can I go on seeing you, looking at you, keep coming here, when you epitomize the conflict?" "Do you not see that?" "I'm not sure that I do." "You're talking about ending therapy just as you're contemplating an enormous life decision." "I think it's important that we're clear... you're having a baby." "I am." "And I know that the likelihood is that you're having this child with somebody else..." "its father, husband, boyfriend... having girlfriend for all I know." "But..." "I just have this feeling that may not be the case." "I don't know what your story is... whether you're with somebody or not." "I could be wrong." "I could be making a fool of myself." "I could be offending you." "I could be wildly deluded." "But something tells me that you're alone." "Last week you imagined" "I had a happy, growing family." "You thought I hid that fact from you, and that made you very angry." "An now you're suggesting..." "That I can't tell what the truth is." "This is your opportunity to tell me if you want to." "Why do you think it's so important for you to know my situation?" "Because we could go on like this for years." "It... what?" "It's too painful." "I don't think the solution is to run away from what's happening in this room, Paul, to protect yourself once again from the risk of a relationship... the confusion, yes, pain that can sometimes go along with one." "The way to change that is to face those feelings in a therapeutic setting." "You just said "relationship."" "But the point is that it isn't one." "It's been created in this room by the artifice of therapy." "And I don't know that I believe in that artifice anymore." "I can't distinguish it from reality." "You're sitting across from me, and you're pregnant, and I still think that you are meant to be with me." "Isn't that exactly what I need to stop doing, what you've been telling me to change?" "Isn't it time that I go outside and experience reality, step beyond the office doors and see the difference for myself?" "You can experience the world and still come back here each week, talk about that experience." "I worry that if you don't, you'll repeat the same patterns you're trying to free yourself from." "Well, maybe that's true." "And maybe it's not." "You've been through so much in such a short amount of time, Paul:" "The death of your father, the fear of inheriting his illness, the fundamental questioning of your life's work." "I'm 57 years old and I've lost my way." "I want to help you find your way again." "Do you ever think about us being together?" "Do you?" "I'm not in treatment with you any longer." "You can answer the question." "Wow." "You are a good therapist." "Paul, will you think about coming next week?" "I can't." "I need to stop." "I just..." "I have to." "Good luck to you." "My door wilt always be open to you." "Well, it's okay." "You can close it behind me." "( Theme music playing )"