"Wow, that does sound pretty amazing." "I'll..." "I'll be sure to look it up." "Anyway, I just double-checked the walk-in, and five boxes should work." "Thanks, Demitri." "Talk to you..." " Oh." "He, he's gone." " What happened, Dad?" "Did the meat guy just hang up on you in a huff?" "No, my phone died." "The battery only lasts about ten minutes before I have to charge it again." "You really need to get a new phone, Bob." " That one's older than Gene." " And hairier." "My phone wouldn't have died if Demitri hadn't spent so much time talking about a big sale at Outdoor Adventure World." "He said they're closing the location in Bog Harbor and everything is marked down." "I guess today is the last day." "You guys have great conversations." "It actually sounds like a pretty good sale." " I'm gonna look it up." " On your ancient 16-pound laptop." "I don't know." "Remember that camping pizza oven that you swore we needed?" "We never used it once." "I set it up." "I think." "I used it to dry one of my swimsuits." "Perfect crust." "Wow." "These discounts are incredible." "75% off?" "I could get some kayaking stuff." "Kayaking." "You." "Really?" "I could be a kayak guy." "Maybe." "Right, 'cause the only thing holding you back all these years was the insane cost of paddles." "Okay, maybe not a kayak guy, but what about a climbing guy?" "Let's talk about the word "guy."" "All right, we get it." "There's a tough outdoor Bob hiding inside" " that squeezable indoor body." " Thanks." "You know what, if you really want to go to that sale," " why don't you go now?" " Really?" "Sure." "I mean, it's the last day." "The kids and I will finish up the dinner rush and close up before Gayle comes over." "Wait, Gayle's coming over?" "Yeah, she wrote a one-woman show." "She needs to do a run-through before she debuts it." " She wants feedback." " What?" " Uh..." " Mmm..." " Be nice." " Okay, then, I'm definitely gonna go." "We can go to the store with you, Dad." " Yeah, this... that sale sounds great." " I want to go with you, Dad." "No way, Josés." "I need you kids here in the restaurant." "See you guys later." "Say hi to Aunt Gayle for me." "You walk out that door, we're through, mister." "You hear me?" "♪" "Whoa." "Hello, outdoor stuff." "Welcome to Outdoor Adventure World." " I'm Austin." " Uh, hi." "Big sale." "Huge sale!" "Sad we're closing, but happy you're getting a deal." "Uh, yeah, great." "Now let's get you in some gear." "What are you in the market for?" "I've demoed everything in the store." "Uh, kind of just browsing." "This sleeping bag is insanely comfortable." " Oh." " In fact, I'm taking this one with me on the Appalachian Trail next week." "That sounds... um..." "I'm gonna go... over here." "You looking for a split-grain leather or a full-grain leather?" "I'm not really looking for any kind of leather." "I'm just still browsing." "Well, if you change your mind, just leather me know." "Scuba?" "Spear fishing?" "Oh, my God." "You do mountain bikes?" "Road bikes?" " Racing?" " Oh, look, there's a tent." "Ah, good eye." "That's a four-season tent." "It's basically a house." "You put a mailbox on the front of that, you can call it a day." "Uh, I'm gonna check out the inside." "I'll..." "I'll see you later, maybe." "All right." "Take a look at that vestibule." "I can't really hear you, I'm inside a tent." "Oh, and the vents..." "Look at this mesh." "Ooh, I'm gonna zip this up." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, zip it up." "Who's ready for the world premiere of my one-woman show?" "Gayle, hi." "Aw, we could hardly wait." "Kids, tell your Aunt Gayle how excited you are." "What is this, like one of those one-act, five-minute things?" "Sometimes even three minutes can be a thrill." "Well, I, for one, loved it." "Should we head over to the wrap party?" "Kids, come on." "What's it called?" "It's called "My Boobs Are Down Here:" "Laughing and Aging and Raging and Laughing."" "I love it." "Oh, and it's so great they're letting you perform at the library." "Yeah, I'm doing it in the hallway, where the water fountains and the bathrooms are." "It's part of a series called "Art in the Hallway:" "Where the Water Fountains and the Bathrooms Are."" "Okay, I think we're all closed up here." "Why don't we head upstairs?" "Just one quick thing:" "the play gets a little messy." "Messy?" "Wait, what do you mean?" "Oh, you know, at one point I spill some milk and slip in it." " Okay." " In another part," "I violently stab a few pillows and rip 'em open." " Oh." " Go on." "Also, there's about a dozen spit takes." " Perfect amount." " Hey, you know what?" "Why don't we do it in the basement?" "It'll be like our own little theater." "Down there, you can be as messy as you want to be." "Great." "That way, no one will hear me scream." "This is gonna be the most age-inappropriate thing we've ever seen." "it's a dead cow on a bun but it's still really fun." "Also, we're closed." " Gene, it's me." " Oh, hi, Dad." "Have you been answering the phone like that?" "Yep." "People love it." "Well, tell your mom that I might be a little late." "It's a really great sale, but..." "I'm kind of avoiding an employee." "Oh, sure." "That makes total sense." "You're not having an affair at all." "Who is it?" "Is it your secretary?" "Gene." "Gene?" "Oh, crap." "Stupid phone." "Hmm, this is pretty great." "Maybe I'll get this tent." "Ooh, kind of expensive." "That's not much of a discount." "Maybe not this tent." "But one a lot like it." "One that maybe smells like it." "Or maybe a kayak that smells like it." "Whoa." "Whoo-hoo!" "Ah." "Oh." "That's weird." "It's quiet and dark in here." "Oh, my God." "It's quiet and dark in here!" "Crap, crap, crap, crap!" "Oh..." "I can't... can't get out!" "Can't... can't get out!" "Damn it!" "Oh!" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "Oh, no, they locked me in!" "And I slept through the sale!" "Noooo!" "_" "All right." "Stuck inside Outdoor Adventure World." "It's okay, I'll just try the emergency exits." "Crap." "Crap." "Crap!" "Crap." "Crap." "Crap." "Crap!" "All right, I can..." "I can just call for help." "Oh, no, I can't." "Phone's dead." "Okay, uh, landline." "Damn it." "Aah!" "That's bright." "Wait." "Is that a motion sensor?" "Hey!" "Is there anyone there?" "I'm in here!" "I'm stuck in here!" "Come on!" "Linda and the kids are probably worried sick." "Your dad's probably upstairs wondering where the heck we are." "I'll go tell him." "I can go." " I'll go." " No, no, I'll just text him." "It's all right, it's fine." "Write on the phone what you want to say to him" " and I'll run it up to him." " Shh!" "Chapter two: birth." "My first studio apartment was a cozy uterus." "But, boy, was it small, and the plumbing was a mess." "But when I started to put up a fight, I was evicted." "The hospital carelessly, casually threw away my placenta, and in some ways, I've never recovered." "Ugh, it's wet." "Why is it wet?" "Oh, God, get it off, get it off." "Chapter three: day one of my life." "Where it all went wrong... and then right and then wrong." "Okay, tried that door already." "That door's locked." "That's the bathroom." "That's where I went to the bathroom when I didn't know there was a bathroom." "Glad no one was here for that." "Hi." " It's Austin!" " Huh..." "I, I, I," "I remember." "I didn't get your name." " Uh, Bob." " Hey, Bob." "Wh..." "What are you doing here?" "Well, my big Appalachian trip starts next week and I didn't feel like paying a whole month's rent." "What are you doing here?" "I, uh, fell asleep in that tent." "Ha!" "Nice, man." "Wait, where have you been this whole time?" "Oh, I've been hanging out in the back office listening to my audiobook." "Don't Wipe with That:" "Hiking the Appalachian Trail." "It doesn't actually work that well as an audiobook, though." "I feel like the illustrations are probably important." "Okay, yeah." "Um, can you please show me how to get out of here?" "Hmm..." "I don't really know if there is a way out." "They locked and chained all the doors." "Well, how were you planning on getting out?" "Oh, I was just gonna wait until the moving crew comes to get the rest of the merch in six days." "No one's coming here for six days?" "No, today's the last day of the sale." "Store's closed forever." "Oh, my God." "Wh..." "What about the alarm system?" "Why isn't that working?" "Ah, I turned that off so no one would know I'm here." "Well, if you turned it off, does that mean you can turn it back on and then I could use it to get out?" "Okay, yeah, if you don't tell the guards that I'm here when they come for you." "Um, sure." "All right, give 'em a wave, Bob." "Yes!" "It's working!" "The alarm is working!" "Look how excited you get." "All right, I'm gonna go hide." "Don't tell 'em I'm here." "Actually, yeah, no, tell 'em I'm not here." "You want me to explicitly tell them that you're not here?" "Yes." "No." "Uh, but tell them that I said hi." "No, wait, that doesn't..." "Never mind!" "This place is locked up, but I didn't see" " any signs of a break-in." "You?" " Nope." "False alarm." "Shut it down." "Eh." "This isn't so hard." "Why'd they say this job was hard?" "It... stopped." "Nobody's coming in." "I'm gonna set it off again." "It's not working." "Oh, sometimes if they get a false alarm they just shut it off." "But this isn't a false alarm, this is a real alarm." "Well, I know that." "They don't know that." "W..." "Will you please just put the code in again?" " Yep, this thing's shut off." " Oh, great." "Yeah, they're not the best security company." "It was my second sophomore year in junior college, and I took a trip to New York City with my friend Stacy Micelli and my sister Linda." " Mom, that's you." " Name drop." "We were in the denim district, waiting in line to buy knock-off jean bras, when an elegant woman walked by." "I looked up, she looked at me, and she gave me a wink and the finger guns." "Pew-pew!" "And that woman was..." "Delta Burke." "It was the briefest of gestures, but it meant so much to me." "A Designing Woman." "That moment helped design... this woman." "And now a quick intermission while I change into a leotard for the next part of the show:" "Chapter 32:" "TGI Lie-Days:" "Why you shouldn't date any of the bartenders at TGI Fridays... especially Dave." " Unbelievable." " Seriously, it's hard to believe Aunt Gayle was close enough to have smelt-a the Delta." "Yeah, hard to believe because it didn't happen to her." "It happened to me." "Wait, Mom, are you saying that Aunt Gayle stole your Delta Burke wink and finger gun story?" "Yeah, it was me who got winked and gunned." "We had a connection." "I'll never forget her eyes." "If it bothers you, you should say something, Mom." "Yeah, something vulgar." "No, no, it's fine." "It means so much to her, let her have it." "I've got a good life." "And one hot son." "More jerky?" "No?" "Would it help if we gave each other trail names?" "I'm gonna call you..." "Friendly Breath." "What's mine?" "Give me one." "Please, just tell me there's another way out." "What about Cool Breeze?" "You think I could be a Cool Breeze?" "You know?" "Kind of see that?" "Like, uh..." "I don't know, you know who I'm talking about?" "Austin, please, is there another way out of here?" "I-I have a family, I-I can't sit here and eat jerky with you for the next six days." "Okay, fine." "Well, there is one other way out." "Really?" "What is it?" "Skylight." "You can't be serious." " How would we even get up there?" " What?" "We've got a whole variety of climbing options over on aisle 14." "Uh, no to that." "No." "Well, the other option is me and you doing this for six days." "Cool Breeze and Friendly Breath, bonding up a storm." "Yeah, that's the stuff." "Breath and Breeze!" "Okay, let's climb." "Great!" "This is gonna be fun." "Quick question: how big is your crotch?" " What?" " For your harness, you look like a medium, but I don't want to assume." "This is so exciting." "We're gonna climb to the skylight." "What exactly is the plan?" "Well, I was thinking we could use a crossbow to shoot a fishing line over that girder." " Okay." " It's called "line launching."" " Have you seen Cliffhanger?" " Oh, no." " What about Vertical Limit?" " No." "Really?" "So good." "But also terrifying, so I'm glad you haven't seen them." "Lots of people die in those movies." " Oh, my God." " Anyway, once we're both up there, we crack the skylight with an ice axe, aisle seven, then you're on the roof and down the fire escape." "Oh..." "I hate all of this." "Hey, do you want the blue gloves or the brown gloves?" " Uh, whichever." " How about this?" "On the count of three, we just say which ones we want, okay?" "One, two, three." " Blue." " I don't care." "Great!" "I'll take the blue." "So now, when I look at myself in the mirror," "I do one of these  and two of these." "Pew!" "Pew!" "And..." "I'm flying Delta!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" " Mom." " Oh." "Oh, bravo!" "Bravo." "Great job!" "Whew!" "Okay, so tell me what worked and what didn't, and be honest." "Just remember, I hate criticism." "Mm, it all worked so well." "Mm-hmm, uh-huh." "You didn't think the menstruation scene was too much?" "I think it would work without the bubble machine," " but who am I to judge?" " Disagree." "Let's be honest." "The show really gets going with that Delta Burke story." "Tell us more about that!" "You know what I think?" "I think she saw a little bit of herself in me." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, that was it." "Mm." "Linda, you were there." "What was it like when you saw Delta Burke wink at me?" "Yeah, what was it like?" "It was... great." "It was really great." "When she shined her light on me." "Yeah, it was just so..." "Mm." "Mm!" "Was it painful for you?" "Was it cold there in my shadow?" "Oh, it didn't happen to you, okay?" "!" "It happened to me!" " What?" " She winked at me!" "And finger-gunned me!" "You stole my story!" "You Delta-burgled it!" "Oh, I see." "You're jealous." "Kids, let's go upstairs and go to bed because it's late, and your father's probably wondering what we're still doing down here." "Great show, Gayle, except for all the lies." "How dare you, Linda?" "!" "Ladies, ladies, ladies, there's somebody else who was there." "We have a witness." "That little Amish boy!" "No." "Stacy Micelli." "Oh, yeah." "Maybe we can find her number and call her." "She can tell us what really happened." "Fine, then." "Let's do it." "We'll call Stacy Micelli, we'll wake her up, and we'll settle this." "Unless... you're scared." "I'm... not... scared." "Pew, pew." "Don't you "pew, pew" me." " I "pew, pew" you!" "Pew!" "Pew!" " Uh, pew!" "Pew!" "Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew-pew-pew-pew." "Pew, pew, pew, pew." " Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew." " Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, infinity!" "This is my favorite part of the show so far!" "Sorry you had to wear that teen harness, Bob." "Oh, it's fine." "So, when I get to the top, you just do what I did, all right?" "Right." "There we go." "This would all be so much funner if you'd seen Vertical Limit!" "Okay, we're all tied off up here." " Climb on, Bob!" " Okay." "I don't know if I can  pull myself up." "You can do this, Bob." "Keep going!" "Am I almost there?" "Uh, sort of." "So tired." "So, so tired." "Oh." "I'm gonna take a break." "Okay." "This is really an early break." "Actually, can I take two breaks together?" "Bob, this is gonna be easy..." "Oh." "Oh." "Aah!" "Okay, okay, not good!" " Austin, what happened?" "!" " Uh, well, to be honest," "I don't know about those knots I tied." "Wait." "What does that mean?" "Were they not knots?" "They were not not knots." "They just, you know, weren't, like..." "They weren't, like, the best knots." "What?" "!" "Don't you do this all the time?" "Uh, this was kind of my first time." "What?" "!" "I thought you said you used everything in the store." "No, I said I demoed everything in the store." "Very different, okay?" "Look, the sales rep comes, you know, we talk shop, he shows me the merch, and... and then I go sell it." "His name's Pablo!" "So you've never actually used this stuff in the real world?" "I mean, not like Pablo." "So, what if I, uh, uh, try and pull on this?" "No, no, no, no, don't touch that rope!" "Aren't you attached to that rope?" "Not, like, that much." "Not as much as I'd like." "Oh." "Well, it's up to you now, Bob." "Wait." "What's up to me?" "!" "You got to climb out of here and get help." "How am I supposed to do that?" "!" "It's fine." "It's fine." "You're... you're just gonna have to... free-climb up to the skylight." "Free-climb up to the skylight?" "!" "Yeah." "I was trying to say it casually, you know, so you wouldn't get freaked out." "That didn't work." "I-I'm totally freaked out." "Okay." "Side note:" "I'm gonna have to pee soon, okay?" "And at this angle, it's gonna get weird fast." "Is that for my pee, or in case I fall?" "Both, I guess." "M-Mostly the fall." "But I'm gonna fall in my own pee." "Well, maybe hold it then?" "Just a thought." "I should've gone before I climbed." "It's the first rule of climbing!" "That can't be the first rule of climbing." "All right, I'm-I'm gonna climb the wall now." "I can't believe I'm saying that." "Should I just clip into this safety rope right here?" "Sure!" "I mean, it's not connected to anything, but sounds like you're getting into it!" "Oh, my God." "Uh, this wall is for, like, advanced climbers, right?" "I mean, technically, it's for beginners but maybe, like, advanced beginners?" "Listen, Bob, I feel like I want to say something." "I..." "I realize now that I'm..." "I'm not an outdoors guy." "Maybe I never will be an outdoors guy." "Maybe I'm just a poser who sells outdoor equipment really, really well." "And looks really, really good in it." "Even right now probably." "I don't know." "Listen, Austin." "I get it, I do." "I-I love this stuff, too, and I don't know if I'm actually that serious about using it out in the wilderness, but I love it." "And maybe that's okay." "I mean, I was looking at that folding shovel." "I'm not even sure if that's what it is, but I want one so much." "Oh, the folding shovel." "I have three." "They're in my car." " I wish everything folded." " Yeah." "Ugh, but you know..." "I don't even know if I even want to hike the Appalachian Trail." "I just planned it because Lisa from the cycling department was going." "She's so pretty." "Austin, let-let's come back to you in a minute." "Is that okay?" "I just feel like I need to focus on the climbing part right now." "Just one more thing." "She smells like coconuts." "That's it." "Okay, all right, climb on, Bob!" "So you're calling me at 11:45 p.m." "to ask me if it was you or Linda who Delta Burke winked at and finger-gunned 20 years ago in New York City?" " Yes." " And to see how you're doing." "Hi." "But mostly the other thing." "Also, Linda's kids are here..." "Tina, Gene and Louise." "We're great." "Don't mind us." "We just want to know the truth!" " Please don't yell at me, strange boy." " I like her!" " Listen, here's what happened that day." " Moment of truth." "That wasn't Delta Burke." "What?" " It wasn't?" " Wha-What?" "First of all, she was speaking Italian." "Second, she had a prosthetic leg." "And third, Delta Burke was shooting a movie-of-the-week in California at that very moment." "We argued about this for the rest of the trip, and then we never spoke again." "But thanks so much for calling." "It wasn't Delta Burke?" "I guess not." "What a journey." "You know what?" "I think Stacy is jealous." "And I think it was Delta Burke, and it was you that Delta winked at." " Oh." "You do?" " Yeah, I do." "And you shouldn't change a thing in your show." "I mean, you could take some cuts." "Shh." "Tina, shh." "Aw, Lin, thank you." "Hey, I got something for you." "Pew!" "Pew!" "Aw, right back at ya." "Pew!" "Pew!" "I think I maybe don't understand "pew, pew."" "Sometimes it's angry, sometimes it's friendly." "Is "pew, pew" like "aloha"?" "You're doing great, Bob!" "I can't see you 'cause I'm facing the other direction, but it sounds like you're doing great." "Thanks, Austin." "Oh, I can see you!" "Ha, nice, Bob!" "You're almost up the wall!" "Oh, I hate rock climbing." "I know that now." "Oh, my God, I did it." "I climbed the wall." "Whoa, whoa, I-I'm really high." "O-Okay, now I just have to... scooch along this girder over to the skylight." "I love the way you say "scooch"!" "It's not technically correct, but I do enjoy hearing you say things you're doing, Bob." "Okay, this really scary." "Man, I wonder how high up we are." "40, maybe 50 feet?" "Austin, please, not a good time." "You're even higher than me." "You're more like 60 feet up." "Ha!" "Aren't you scared?" "No." "No, Austin, not at all." "I made it!" "I'm there!" "You did it!" "I think." "I can't tell." "I'm twisting now." "Okay, there you are." "Man, that harness is tight!" "All right, here I go." "I'm gonna break the skylight." " Hey, Bob." " Yeah?" "Before you go, I want you to know that..." "I love you." "I, uh..." "I-I love you, too." "And, also, don't forget to get help." "You're gonna have to call, like, everybody." "Uh, police, fire, my boss." "Maybe Lisa from cycling." "No." "I know." "I'm gonna get to a phone and call everybody." "Great!" "Now break that skylight, Friendly Breath!" "You steely-eyed mountain man!" "Yes!" "You did it!" "I'm so proud of you, I'm crying, Bob!" "Some of it's pee, but most of it's tears!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "So it was Delta Burke?" "I-I'm confused." "It's whoever you want it to be." "Aren't we all Delta Burke?" "That's right, Gene." "So, did we talk enough about how I climbed a 40-foot wall and then escaped through a skylight?" "I think we covered it pretty well, and we definitely believe you." "Watch out." "Mom's gonna start telling people she did it." "It's nice you made a new best friend." "Austin and I are not best friends." "We're just going shopping together next weekend." "We're gonna check out this new outdoor omelet pan." "You lost me at "outdoor," you had me at "omelet,"" "and then you lost me again at "pan."" "♪ Hey, higher ♪" "♪ I want to take you higher ♪" "♪ I want to take you higher ♪" "♪ I want to take you higher ♪" "♪ Boom, Shaka-laka-laka, boom, Shaka-laka-laka. ♪"