"Hilda's still not back from her audition?" "No." "That's Spanish for "no."" "Well, I hope she got the job." "It's so hard for her to find a place to play around here." "Yeah, her musical talent is a wonderful gift." "And she needs to bore other people with it." "Let's face it." "Classical music isn't the gravy train it used to be." "It's not like the golden age." "Vienna in the 1700s." "In those days there were more orchestras than consumption wards." "And you were never ostracized for eating a dead rat in public." "Aunt Hilda's so talented, I'm sure she got this job." "[HILDA GRUNTS]" "And she has a very strange way of celebrating." "Should I get my ears pierced?" "Hey, guess what." "The school's having a battle of the bands." " And I signed us up." " I didn't know we were a band." "Every group had to start somewhere." "Usually in a garage." "We can leapfrog that and start in the gym." "What do you say?" "We could have cool outfits." " We could work on dance moves." " Put together a light show." " I always wanted to be in a band." " Me too." "We're in." " Great." " So does anyone here actually know how to play an instrument?" " I'm so close." " Why don't you drop cold fusion and work on an ink that doesn't stain your fingers?" "All I need is a formula patented by Dr. Terdlington." "Which means I would have to call him and ask for permission." "Oh, no." "Isn't he that guy you had to compete with for the Other Realm research grant?" "Exactly." "Zelda Spellman made a strong impression with her paper" ""Polymers:" "More Uses Than You Think."" "But the winner is Dr. Clark Terdlington." "It's been an unbearably long evening of dull speeches, so I'll make this brief." "I'm better than you." "ZELDA:" "It was so unlike me, but I just couldn't stand his arrogance." "[FARTS]" "And now it turns out I need that sanctimonious blowhard." "Oh, just call him." "Tell him that you changed your medication and that you're feeling better." "That always works for me." " Wish me luck." " Another classical audition?" "Sort of." "Okay, you got the job." "You're our new strolling fiddler." "Was it my Beethoven?" "It's just that you fit into the costume." "Sabrina!" "Oh, thank goodness." "No one was injured." " How do we sound?" " Stay in school." "Well, if it isn't the Electric Freak Orchestra." "And by the way, the cheerleaders have a band, and we're gonna win." " She doesn't know that." "LIBBY:" "Yes, I do." "Cheerleaders always win." "And geeks always lose." "I believe they call that the natural order." "I do not want to lose to Libby." "We have to get good, and we have to get good soon." "We're not good?" "Dr. Terdlington, that is so kind of you." "Of course you're aware that it's kind." "I'll see you soon." "That pompous swine might let me use his formula." "I'm gonna be able to give the world cold fusion." "Super." "What does it mean?" "May I play something for you gentlemen?" "Perhaps some Chopin, Mozart?" "If one of them wrote "Turkey in the Straw."" "[PLAYING "TURKEY IN THE STRAW"]" "[PLAYING DISCORDANT ROCK MUSIC]" "It was kind of hard to hear, but we suck, right?" "And that was with gym echo." "LIBBY:" "I hope someone brought some baking soda, because something stinks in here." "Oh." "Look." "It's Sabrina's band." "I'd think of a snappy comeback, but it's true." "Okay." "Hit it." "[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]" "[SINGING] There's a little bit of me in you" "A little bit in everything you do" "You still stuck on that whole "us winning" thing?" "SABRINA:" "Come on." "It's not so bad." "I mean, the only difference between us and them is they're talented." "Makes you wonder if Hitler was actually a good painter." "ZELDA:" "Libby insults you because she's jealous." "I don't think so." "Is there a spell that can make dogs howl every time she opens her mouth?" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "You have to be careful how you treat people." "Even rotten people." "You might regret it one day." "Dr. Terdlington." "I believe this whoopee cushion is yours." "For instance, today." "[PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]" "And I thought giving Henry VIII a sponge bath was the low point of my life." "I had no idea you could bottle talent." "Where do you think that expression comes from?" "A six-pack of refreshing talent, now with the handy twist-top." "Cool." "But I won't use it unless it's absolutely necessary." "Hey, I don't care how you justify it." "Promise you won't tell Aunt Hilda or Zelda?" "Mum's the word." "Howdy, y'all." "Hi." "So how'd the gig go?" "Lousy." "I tried to merge the worlds of art and prime rib, but I failed." "Well, the important part is that you tried." "Gotta go." "I'm glad Zelda left the labtop open." "Think I'll whip up some seasonings to make those Philistines at the steak house appreciate good music." "Not a peep out of you." "Mum's the word." "Ooh." "Déjà vu." "Excuse me!" "Excuse m-- Put a sock in it!" "Thank you." "Now, I understand that everyone has been informed that I am judging the band contest tonight." " Yes." " Okay, so no talent isn't the only thing against us." "Well, that information is incorrect." "For me to judge the contest would be unfair." "Now you've lost me." "The contest will be judged by the producer of Rock and a Hard Place..." "Westbridge's only cable TV showcase for local bands." " ..." "Dwayne Kraft." " Kraft?" "Yes, Dwayne Kraft." "My nephew." "Thank you so much for reconsidering and giving me a chance to plead my case, Dr. Terdlington." "And apologise." "Mostly I just want you to apologise." "LIBBY [SINGING]:" "Fits together perfectly" "[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]" "The Libby Chessler Generation!" "Maybe we should've taken lessons." "Come on, you guys, we can do it." "Follow that, Freaka McEntire." "It's necessary." "Well, I'm thirsty." "How about you guys?" "Want a drink?" " No, thanks." "I'm full." " And I'm prone to gastritis." "Come on." "I need the money on the empties." "[MAGIC ZINGS]" "[MAGIC ZINGS]" "Okay, it's only fair that I let the final band compete," "Although the expression "just a formality" certainly comes to mind." "Please welcome" "Entry Number 5." " We forgot to come up with a name." " Just play." "Two, three, four..." "[PLAYING ROCK MUSIC]" "[SINGING] One way" "One way or another" "I'm gonna find you" "I'm gonna getcha, getcha Getcha, getcha" "One way or another" "I'm gonna win you" "I'm gonna getcha, getcha Getcha, getcha" "One way or another" "I'm gonna see you" "I wanna meetcha, meetcha Meetcha, meetcha" "One day maybe next week" "I'm gonna meetcha" "I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha" "I will" "Drive past your house" "And if" "The lights are all down" "I'll see who's around" "One way or another" "I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha" "I'll getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha" "One way or another" "Okay, fine." "Fine." "Do we have a winner here, judge?" "The best band in this battle is Entry Number 5!" "Hello, Westbridge." "Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?" "[CROWD CHEERS]" "Listen." "I'd love to send a crew over here, tape you guys for my show." "Yeah!" "Well, let me talk it over with my band." " Okay, we'll do it." " All right." "Aunt Zelda, we won." "You should've seen the look on Libby's face." "Shock and disbelief really become her." "I hope you remembered what I said about being mean to people." "Zelda." "Have you decided to forgive me yet?" "Not yet." "Another one might help." "[FARTS]" "So close." "[SCREAMS]" "It's a great" "Sabrina, I wrote a song for our TV debut, but the drummer has a problem with it." "Take a look at it." "Valerie, you wrote a song called "My Valerie"?" "Wait till you see what he wants to do." "I drew up some ideas for a complete new look for the band." "That's you and Val." "Why are we dressed like worms?" "They're brown unitards." "It's a comment on an asexual society." "And I'm the universal love being, signified by the goat ears and the sleeveless spandex vestments." " "Love being"?" " Yeah, but we can't sing about me." " I'm trying to change America." " Oh, yeah?" "Hold it." "Why are we fighting?" "We're friends." "Because he has a stupid idea." "Oh, yeah." "I am not gonna perform dressed like a bug." " This is my band." " Your band?" "Lady, we don't need no pepper." "Oh, no, this is classical seasoning." "It adds taste." "How come you ain't playing that "Turkey in the Straw" I asked for?" "[MAGIC ZINGS]" "You know what would be simply marvellous?" "Yes, some incredibly obscure Wagner." "If you insist." "[PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC]" ""Valerie, my Valerie, foxy little junior walking down the street." "Valerie, my Valerie--"" "Would you be terribly upset if I threw up in one of your shoes?" "Salem, what am I gonna do?" "Well, you've always been able to talk things out with Harvey." "[PHONE RINGS]" " Hello." " Hey, Harvey, it's Sabrina." "Hey." "So you gonna wear the brown suit?" "[PHONE BEEPS]" " Uh, no." "Listen" " Hold on." "He put me on hold." "[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS]" "Since when does Harvey have Muzak?" "Hey." "Sorry about that." "I didn't know so many chicks had my home number." "[PHONE BEEPS]" " You're listed." " Hold on." "Hey, sweetness." "Let me dump Sabrina, and I'll be right back" "That's okay, goat boy, I'll dump you." "I wish I'd never given them a swig of talent." "It's ruining our friendship, and I can't even enjoy winning." "Perhaps you're feeling bad because Libby sang with genuine talent and deserved to win." "Don't hit me." "Great, now I feel annoyed and guilty." "If you want your friendships back, maybe you should take the fizz out of the egos you inflated." " I wish I could." " You can." "They take a sip of flat talent, they go flat too." "Great." "So I'll just let these go flat, and when I see Harvey and Valerie tonight, they'll drink, and we'll go back to being talentless friends." "Did you pop one for yourself?" "Me?" "I haven't been affected by having things go my way." "Oh, please." "Little Miss "I'm Too Cool To Do My History Homework."" "I had an autograph signing." "Okay." "Libby, are you here for the show?" "Please." "I have a date tonight, and I left my sweater here." "I go to the carnival when I want to see sideshow oddities." "Maybe these won't be necessary." "Maybe Harvey and Val will show up and be their old selves." "Please." "Don't they have roadies to do that?" " Drink?" " No, thanks." "I asked for clear soda." "And I don't see the blackened-tuna papaya hummus we demanded." "Don't they know who we are?" "Come on." "Let's split one." "[MAGIC ZINGS]" "[SINGS OFF-KEY]" "They're good." "We'll grab some eats, and I'll tell the others about you joining the band." " What?" " What?" "Hi." "Sabrina, Valerie," "I'd like you to meet Sunset." "You can't just bring someone into the band." "Especially someone named Sunset." "You said." "Listen, I'm the rhythm section, and I say" " Oh, excuse me, drummer boy." " Guys, let's just have a drink." " Here's your four-alarm hummus." " Finally!" "Sorry." "Sunset says I should only have water before a performance." "Hey." "Sabrina." "I just want to tell you" "I think you guys have what it takes to go statewide." " Really?" " Oh." "Big bucks to be made." "Wow." "With a lot of money, we could help a lot of people." "You could buy a lot of stuff." "Yeah." "They could always lose their talent later." " Beg your pardon." " Nothing." "Let me just talk it over with Harvey and Val." "[MAGIC ZINGS]" "That's funny." "I can't remember how to hold a guitar." "So long, lot of stuff." "[LAUGHS]" "Beg your pardon?" "A woman of my standing enjoys caviar and fine wines." "I could not have ordered" ""rootin' tootin' beans."" "You did, Lorlene." "And you threw in a, "Hee-haw!"" "Beans, caviar, it all goes well with Rimski-Korsakov." "[PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC]" "All right, let's get some sound levels." "All right, whenever you're ready." "[PLAYING DISCORDANT ROCK MUSIC]" "Well, I see you guys took that bad-rehearsal, great-show thing to heart, huh?" "I'm sorry, Mr. Kraft." "I guess the other day was just a fluke." " We'll just go." " No." "You just listen up, young lady." "Dwayne put his butt on the line for this remote." "Well, remind me to thank him." "And when Dwayne puts his butt on the line, his mother gets testy." "His mother, who is my sister and the owner of the house where I am currently a guest." "Where I am intent on staying a guest." "Got it?" "When did we get bad again?" "I can't suck on TV." "You'd think I'd be good at humiliation." "It's just another thing I failed to master." "Harvey, you go help Valerie remember how to hold a guitar, and I'll try to figure something out." "Could you get rid of Sunset?" "She scares me." "If only I could really sing." "If only someone could really sing." "Libby can sing." "Wait, is that really better than embarrassing myself all over TV?" "Let's go with yes." "I was just in the girls' bathroom." "What am I doing here?" "Isn't it weird, you're doing something, you're mind is somewhere else, and bam, you're in a gym and you're asking, "How did I get here?"" " How did I get here?" " My point exactly." "But since you stopped by, I need a little favour." "Hello." "You don't know me, but I just wanted to say," "Dr. Terdlington is a hero, Zelda Spellman is a zero." "Now on to the B's." "That's it." "I am through apologising." "Either you give me the formula, or you go." "You know, Zelda, I've always liked you." "You" " What?" "Well, the science biz is so full of phoneys, but I like your fire." "Well, actually, I've always admired you." "Not your personality, but your mind." "Dinner?" "Love to." "And you want me to sing for you?" "In exchange for eternal gratitude, endless flattery, and a piece of the merchandising." " I'll do it." " You will?" "But let's get one thing straight." "It's only because I love to sing." "And we love to hear you sing, because you sing so very, very well." "And you're pretty too." "Let's change "endless flattery" to cash." "Send this ghastly smear back to the galley and give the chef 30 lashes for his crimes against eating!" "I'll never dine in this establishment again!" "WOMAN:" "I'm appalled!" "Perhaps a little Vivaldi?" "You know, it's funny." "Without customers, we don't need a fiddler." "You're fired, Hilda." "Fine." "I'm keeping the dress." "[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]" "[SINGING] There's a little bit of me in you" "A little bit in everything you do" "There's a little bit in you It goes a long way deep into you" "There's a little bit of you in me" "A little bit of you in everything I feel" "Makes us fit together" "Perfectly" "Cut." "Hey, Libby, you were great." "Well, good save." "Suspicious, but good." "Amazing how things worked out." "Yep." "The winner won as the freaks looked on in amazement." "All's right with the world." "Well, I happen to believe that if a waiter wants that 9 percent tip, everything has to be perfect." " You are terrible." " Yes." "Well, it's late." "I suppose I'd better go." "Right." "Oh, by the way, can I have that formula now?" "Nope." "Never." "Then why did you put me through such misery?" "Revenge." "How about dinner next Tuesday?" "How about you kiss my cold fusion?" "TERDLINGTON:" "Give me back my pants!" "So are we still speaking to each other?" "Yes." "If we never talk about how bad we played today." "I can't figure out what went wrong." "Was there something in that hummus?" "Let's remember not to let anything like this get in the way of friendship." "You mean success?" "I don't think that will be a problem." "I blame Sunset." "Salem, There are five bottles here." "That's very good, Sabrina." "Now, what colour is the tablecloth?" "No." "I brewed six." "Where's the last bottle of talent?" "[MAGIC ZINGING]" "[SINGING] Every little thing That you have said and done" " Feels like it's deep within me" " Feels like it's deep within me" "[HUMMING]" "Doesn't really matter If you're on the run" "It seems like we're meant to be" "I don't care who you are" "Hey, guys." "Come on." "Where you're from" "The game's still tied." "What you did" "As long as you love me" "Who you are" "Where you're from" "Don't care what you did" "As long as you love me" "As long as you love me" "I've tried to hide it So that no one knows" "But I guess it shows" "When you look into my eyes" "What you did And where you're coming from" "I don't care" "As long as you love me, baby" "What are you doing here?" "How come they didn't win?" " I don't care who you are" " Who you are" "Where you're from"