"BERT:" "Yo!" "What's up, Chief?" "I am writing a strongly worded e-mail to Sammy the Superintendent." "He said he'd be here at 8:00 to fix the leak in the shower, this is the third time he didn't show." ""Dear Mr. Intendent, it is not by accident that I leave all the work super"." "Nice." "Ah, it gets better." ""The number of keys on your keychain clearly does not correspond to the amount of pride you take in your job, for if that were the case, you would carry a single tiny key to a lock that has long since rusted over."" "I like it." "It's poetic and mean." "Like if Shakespeare were a jerk." "And now for a quick spell check.... and..." "Save as Draft." "What, you're not sending it?" "A gentleman does not send an angry e-mail impulsively." "He waits 24 hours." "And then you send it!" "Theoretically, yes." "In reality?" "Uh, no." "No, I never send it." "It's just an outlet for me to vent." "I save it to my Draft folder." "If somebody pisses you off, you got to tell them." "People need to know what's in that Draft folder." "People need to know Draft Andrew." "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "Okay." "Well, I'll think about that." "Don't think about it." "Do it." "As your life coach, I'm ordering you: unleash Draft Andrew!" "Bert, look." "If people went around just saying what they think, civilized society would break down." "Thinking before we speak is what separates us from the animals." "That, and the fact that animals don't speak." "Right." "What is that?" "A typo?" "Uh, highly unlikely." "Where?" "Right there." "Right next to..." "Send!" "What?" "ANDREW:" "Bert?" "Are you here?" "He's in the other room." "Ah." "Sammy." "What are you doing here?" "Fixing your shower." "I got your e-mail." "Look, I'm really sorry about that..." "No, no, no, no." "No." "I'm the one that's sorry." "You were right, I have been slacking off." "I'm not worthy of this large assortment of keys." "I just hope that someday I can be super in your eyes again." "Hey, Bert!" "Yo." "You're not going to believe this." "That Sammy e-mail totally worked." "He just apologized." "See?" "What did I tell you?" "You spoke your mind, you got results." "I did." "You know what?" "This may change my life." "You're damn right it could." "In fact, every morning before work," "I go to this pâtisserie, where I get a pain au chocolat..." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "No French accents in this apartment." "Sorry." "Anyway, the woman there always serves it with her bare hands, and I hate that." "And I had written her an e-mail, but tomorrow morning, I may just suggest she use some wax paper." "Aim for the stars, buddy." "Oh, hey." "This package came for you." "Awesome!" "Oh, yeah." "I bet it's my sign." "You want a trash can?" "No, I'm good." "You know what this says?" "I'm going to go with "Grand Re-Opening"?" "No." "It says, "Screw you, Dad."" "If that's what you ordered," "I think you should fire your sign guy." "No, my dad always said I was a screw-up." "When he sold me the gym, he didn't believe I could make it work." "My mission in life is to prove him wrong." "I thought your mission in life was to eat 12 Mallomars in a minute." "Yeah, but I already did that." "So how is the gym doing, business-wise?" "Pretty good." "I'm right on the verge of some real success." "So screw you, Dad." "So I should assume you're not inviting your father to this event." "No way." "Even if I did, he wouldn't come." "I gotta ask:" "What is the deal with you and your dad?" "I mean, I've never heard you say one nice thing about him." "Try to imagine growing up with a father who never once told you he was proud of you." "Actually, my dad ran off when I was six." "Okay." "Congratulations." "You win the crappy dad competition." "Geez, I'm trying to open up, here." "Bonjour." "Je voudrais un pain au chocolat, s'il vous plaît." "Please speak English." "I ask you every day." "Ah." "Oui." "I would like my usual chocolate croissant, please." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, and if you wouldn't mind, putting it in the wax paper..." "I got your e-mail." "My e-mail?" "Mm-hmm." "I never sent an..." "Bert!" "Sacre bleu!" "Bert." "Did you send out my e-mail to the pâtisser... the bakery?" "If it was in the Draft folder, I did." "I sent them all out, buddy." "Why would you send all my e-mails?" "It's for your own good." "For my own good?" "I need to see what's in those e-mails." "Oh, God." "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!" "(chuckling)" "These are awesome." "(phone chimes)" "Oh God." "It's started." "Who's that?" "My dry cleaner." "(phone chimes)" "That's my barber." "I'm screwed." "Calm down." "It's good you're getting this stuff off your chest." "An honest man is a happy man." "So what if you offended a few shop owners?" "(phone rings)" "Oh, that's my sister." "And family members." "Hey, Janet!" "What's up with this e-mail, Andrew?" "You really think I'm a bad sister?" "No." "Of course not." "Really?" "Because the subject line of this e-mail is" ""You're a bad sister."" "Look, it wasn't supposed to be sent; just ignore it." "How am I supposed to ignore it when you say" "I'm not really there for you when it counts, and that I'm..." ""cold and remote, like Staten Island."" "I'm sorry." "I wrote that right after Lauren broke up with me." "I wanted a shoulder to cry on, and you were busy." "But that's okay." "You were just being you." "What is that supposed to mean?" "(phone beeps)" "I'm getting another call." "I gotta go." "Hello?" "Andrew!" "Oh, thank God I reached you." "I've got a bit of a situation here." "Janet received your electronic mail." "It's caused a bit of a stir." "So if she calls you, whatever you do, don't answer the phone." "I just talked to her, Mike." "Ah." "All right." "Well, whatever happens, make sure you don't tell her I called you with regards to this, because... she's now standing right behind me." "It's become awkward." "(phone ringing)" "That one's ringing." "Great." "Thank you very much." "I appreciate that." "Hello?" "Hey, Mom." "(on phone):" "Andrew!" "What did you mean by" "I'm too involved in your personal life and that I abuse my spare key privileges?" "When did I ever do that?" "Guess who found the first peaches of the season?" "Oh." "You're on a date." "I don't want to interrupt, but I feel really positive energy between the two of you." "Why would you write this e-mail?" "(cell phone ringing)" "Uh, can we talk about this later, Mom?" "Work's calling." "Hello?" "Andrew, what the hell is with this e-mail you sent?" "Wait, what..." "The manifesto!" "You sent a list of grievances to everyone in the office, including my new boss, Cody." "Plus, you called him "a 25-year-old hipster jackass whose daddy gave him our magazine as a birthday present."" "Why would you do that?" "Jerry, I wrote that e-mail back when the magazine got sold." "It was a mistake." "You know me." "I don't make waves!" "I don't even like waves." "I don't even go to the beach." "I-I-I freckle instantly." "This is precisely the sort of thing that rouses the rabble." "And you know who Cody will fire if the rabble indeed gets roused." "Middle management!" "That is me." "Jerry, I will fix this, I promise." "It has taken me 20 years to rise all the way to the middle." "And if I go down, I am taking you with me." "Great." "Great!" "Now my boss is mad at me, too." "Everybody's mad at me, are you happy?" "Hell, no." "I didn't send out those e-mails to have you apologize for them." "Bert, that is what you do when people are mad at you." "You apologize." "No, your apologizing is a way of avoiding confrontation." "You're like a baby bird who's afraid to fly." "You know how a mother gets a baby bird to leave the nest?" "She leaves it alone till it feels ready?" "No." "She gives it a push." "Hello." "I would like a chocolate croissant, in wax paper, and please note that I'm speaking English per your request." "What did you just do?" "Nothing." "Did you just lick that?" "I don't know." "Okay." "You know what?" "I can't take this anymore." "Ca m'énerve!" "I don't speak French." "D'abord, vous êtes une femme ecourante, et si vous travaillez dans une pâtisserie, vous devriez parler Français." "Et ensuite, je veus des croissants propres ou je vous fais virer!" "I have no idea what you just said, but you're freaking me out." "So here's a new croissant, on the house." "Nice." "Adios." "Andrew." "What are you doing here?" "I'm here to un-apologize." "Oh, God." "The truth is, you were not there for me when Lauren and I broke up." "BERT:" "You tell her, Andrew!" "Bert?" "'Sup, Janet?" "Just here for moral support." "Trying to keep a respectful distance." "Andrew!" "What are you doing here?" "I think you know exactly what I'm doing here." "(sighs)" "It's for the best." "No, Cody, I understand." "No, it's the last thing I would want to deal with when I'm trying to watch" "Real World/Road Rules Challenge:" "The Gauntlet... dude." "Yeah, but I promised you this much." "He's going to nip this thing in the bud." "He will not cause you any more trouble." "He will tell you himself." "I'll go get him for you;" "just hold on." "Andrew, you're going to get on this phone, and you're going to start kissing some ass, because I cannot be fired." "I only have two things on my résumé, and the other one is VCR repair." "I don't think they're hiring unless one of my skills is traveling back to 1982." "I-I'll handle it, okay?" "Mm." "This is Andrew." "Uh, yes, I wrote that manifesto, and it was a mistake." "I should have sent it to you directly." "Look, Cody, how about instead of cutting down on the writer's column space, you cut back on the unnecessary expenditures of this company, like, I don't know, the renovation of your office or the executive halfpipe." "He wants to talk to you." "(gasps)" "C-Cody, I am so sorry." "I have no idea what has gotten into..." "Hmm?" "Yeah-no, no, I-I-I... yes, I agree." "I also find his honesty refreshing." "Yeah, no, yeah, yeah." "Or as you would put it-- It's amazeballs." "What the hell just happened?" "You've been draft Andrew-ed." "(clicks tongue)" "Bert." "Hey." "Check it out" " I got a bunch of new flat screens for the grand re-opening." "That's the kind of thing that attracts new clients." "Why don't you just put these guns you built into a display case, huh?" "Please stop doing that." "You look like a stick figure." "You would not believe the day I had." "It was fantastic." "So Draft Andrew's working out for you, huh?" "Eh, I don't know." "Does that answer your question?" "♪ Draft Andrew, telling the truth. ♪" "You're way too comfortable singing in public." "Well, you were right." "It was so liberating to just say the truth." "You don't have to thank me." "Too late;" "I already did." "Remember how you said you dad wouldn't show up?" "Well, I Googled him, I got his number," "I called him up, and not only is he coming, but he's excited." "Wait, what are you talking about?" "♪ Draft Andrew, calling your dad ♪" "♪ I used the search engine to find his tire shop... ♪" "Stop singing!" "Why would you call my dad?" "Because you-you needed a little push." "I was just doing the same favor for you that you did..." "I didn't invite him for a reason." "When I bought this gym," "I told him, next time I see you, this place is going to be worth double what I paid for it." "I thought it would take two months." "How long has it been?" "Two years." "I'm sorry, I was just... trying to make you my baby bird." "I got 24 hours to figure out what I'm going to tell him." "You might have slightly less time than that." "What are you talking about?" "I may have invited him to dinner tonight." "ANDREW:" "Bert, relax." "Why don't you just tell your dad your business is doing well but not as well as you would've hoped." "Just be honest like you told me to be." "Because I don't want to do that." "Well, you're being a hypocrite." "Saying one thing and doing something else does not make me a hypocrite." "My dad owns three successful tire shops." "I don't want him to feel like he won." "Not everything is a competition." "It is with this guy." "He used to race my soapbox car with his Corvette." "Trust me, if he finds out my gym isn't doing as well as I said it would be," "I'll never hear the end of it." "So don't tell him." "I won't have to;" "he'll look me in the eyes and know I'm lying." "Oh, come on." "I'm telling you, it's a Lansing trait." "Once we lock eyes with you, it's impossible not to tell us the truth." "What are you, a wizard?" "Okay." "When did you lose your virginity?" "Seventeen." "Nineteen." "Twenty-one." "Ish." "(knocking)" "Shh!" "CLYDE:" "Bert, you in there?" "Yes." "Damn it!" "Why did I look through the peephole?" "Hey." "Hey." "It's been a while." "Yeah, I guess so." "So this is your place, huh?" "Well, not just my place;" "I have a roommate." "Well, she's one hell of a decorator." "This place has a real woman's touch." "Actually, it's my place." "I'm Andrew." "I'm a man." "So, how's the gym doing?" "Uh, you know, the gym is good." "Oh, that's good to hear because my tire shops are doing great, especially since the city stops fixing the potholes." "Oh, who is that in my pocket?" "Is that you, Mr. Mayor?" "(chuckling)" "Yeah, the gym's doing well." "We're having a re-opening." "Grand re-opening, actually." "Don't undersell yourself." "Oh, I know what that means." "I've had tons of grand re-openings." "It means you're one month away from an accidental fire." "Yeah, well, this one's going to be different." "The gym is exactly where I want it to be." "Is it?" "Yes." "(cell phone ringing) Oh, thank God a reason to get up." "Excuse me." "Janet, why are you calling?" "Is Grandpa okay?" "I don't know." "Look, I don't want you to think I'm cold." "I want you to know that I'm really there for you." "Okay, you know, I'm in the middle of something." "I need to go." "Ooh, in the middle of what?" "Tell me." "I'm super interested and emotionally involved." "Okay." "I'm out with Bert and his dad." "They haven't seen each other in two years" "I mean, I've never seen Bert like this." "I mean, his dad really shakes his confidence." "(yawning):" "Sounds like a lot to think about." "Okay." "You know what?" "Just tell me." "How's the gym doing?" "Business is doing fine." "Is it?" "Yes." "Is it?" "Well, the truth is..." "The truth is, he's doing better than ever." "Yeah, business is booming." "He's making tons of money." "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "He is flush with cash." "Good." "This is hard for me to ask, so I'll just say it." "My tire shops are in trouble." "I need to borrow, like, ten grand." "Why did you tell him I was flush with cash?" "Why did you tell him you'd loan him $10,000?" "Because I couldn't tell him my business wasn't booming." "But his business isn't booming." "So I won." "Bert, you didn't win because you don't have $10,000." "I'll come clean tomorrow." "Tonight I want to savor this victory over with my old man." "Yeah, I got some daddy issues myself." "Sammy, what are you doing here?" "I let myself in with one of my many keys." "My wife and I had a bit of a tiff, so I thought I'd lay low here for a while." "Seems like you and Bert have a pretty complicated relationship." "Whoa." "Hey, roomie." "What's going on?" "You got your wish." "Cody's not cutting back on column space." "He's cutting back on unnecessary expenditures, like my office." "Ta-dah." "Okay." "This Draft Andrew thing is really starting to suck." "You didn't really think he would lose the executive halfpipe did you?" "Listen, I'm sorry, I lost you your office, Jerry." "You're not going to hold it against me, are you?" "Why would I?" "Hey, have I told you about my new hobby of clipping my toenails while staring at you?" "Hey, up a little bit." "No, you want to come down a bit." "No, my down." "Okay, you know what," "I'm just putting it here." "It's not right." "Hey, you see my dad?" "Not yet." "You know what you're going to say to him?" "Yep." "I'm going to look that bastard square in the face and say, "Here's your check."" "How did you get $10,000?" "I sold the flat-screen TVs and a bunch of my old gold chains." "I thought the TVs were to help you get new clients." "Some things are more important than new clients, like being able to rub your dad's nose in your fake success." "Oh, here he comes." "Wait till that son of a bitch takes my money." "Yeah, that'll show him." "Well, this is what you did with the gym, huh?" "Yep." "What do you think?" "The signs are a little crooked." "You're not wrong there." "Hey, do you want the check or not?" "Thanks." "What the hell are you doing?" "I just wanted to see if the gym was doing as well as you said it was." "I couldn't come up with ten grand at your age." "Good for you, kid." "So you saying I won?" "Well, not really, 'cause at your age," "I did have a smoking hot wife, and I didn't live with a weird dude." "You're unbelievable." "Why are you so competitive?" "Oh, you think you have a competitive father?" "I had an even more competitive father." "Okay, you win that, too." "I gotta go." "Wait." "I got a little extra time." "You want to give me a tour of this dump?" "Really?" "Well, did you see the new rock wall I put up?" "Yeah, I would've put in a bigger rock wall." "Screw you, Dad." "Screw you, Bert." "Talk to your grandpa lately?" "Yeah." "He got his nurse pregnant." "I'm going to have a baby uncle." "Mike, I notice you're the only one who didn't get upset about those e-mails I sent." "You didn't send me one." "Actually, I did." "Maybe I just sent it to an old e-mail account." "What did it say?" "Nothing." "Don't worry about it." "Come on, you let the horse out of the barn now." "Spill the beans." "It's not important really." "Is it because I criticized your cooking behind your back?" "No." "And in front of your back?" "No." "Is it because I did that impression of you with high-pitched voice and the marionette arms?" "(falsetto):" ""Ah, I'm Andrew, I'm Andrew."" "No." "Ooh, it's because I took two of your telescopes and glued them together to make massive binoculars?" "No." "Is it because I took all your model boats and reenacted the Battle of Midway in Lake Michigan?" "No." "It's because you owed me $5, and you never paid me back." "Oh, well, I don't have that on me now, and I resent you for bringing that up."