"(theme music playing)" "In box office news Martin Scorsese's "Gatsby" is at the top, hauling in an impressive $37.8 million." "And earning rave reviews for its star Vinnie Chase." "In other news, Britney Spears has a new boyfriend... meet Rocky." " (phone rings)" " Yes, Rocky." "That's the name of Britney's new dog..." " Hello?" " I'm still tingling from the weekend." " Who is it?" " It's Ari." "It's okay, go back to sleep." "Wow, you pay for that or is there someone that would actually bang you for free?" "What's going on, Ari?" "You just calling to recap?" "No, I got a late-night email." "Darabont just got hit with a monsoon on Malta." " Jesus, is he all right?" " He's fine, but the sets aren't." "They're gonna push "Ferrari" 12 weeks." "What are we supposed to do for 12 weeks?" "Enjoy life, what else?" "And snap some below-the-belt photos of that partner of yours and send them over here." "I am bored." " You wish." "Later." " Later." " You're bored?" " It was a joke, baby." "You know I'm never bored here." "Now gimme something." "What time is it?" "I don't know, my cock doesn't wear a watch." " Ari!" " (phone ringing)" "Jesus Christ, what time is it?" "That's the home line." "No one calls me on the home line, baby." "Oh my God, I hope it's not my father!" " Hello?" " Hi, it's Marlo." "I'm sorry to bother you so late, but I don't know where Andrew is." "He's never not come home before midnight and I don't know." "Does Ari know anything maybe?" "Hold on just a second." "It's Marlo." "Andrew's not home." "Do you know where he is?" "Clients, meetings..." "eating, signing... what?" "I don't know." "I'm sorry, Marlo." "He doesn't know." "No, it's okay." "I'm sorry to have woken you." "Please, don't worry about it." "And please call us as soon as you hear from him." "I will, thanks." "I hope something didn't happen." " I'm sure he's fine." " Why are you so sure?" " What?" " Is Andrew having an affair?" "The guy is missing... and-and your-your first instinct is to say... he could be lying in a ditch somewhere." "I got a weird feeling when we were out with him." "Baby, Andrew Klein is a true family man." "He is the last guy in the world to have an affair." "Besides me." "(sighs) So what am I gonna do for the next three months?" " Whatever you want, bro." " I wanted to get back to work." " You could come to class with me." " I don't want to do schoolwork." " You could travel." " True." "How about Paris?" " With who?" " You guys." "Four dudes in Paris is not quite the "Last Tango" moment I think you're looking for, bro." " I always wanted to see the pyramids." " In Paris?" "!" "Morocco, you idiot." "Maybe you want to add a geography class." "I knew that, Drama." "I thought Vince was confused." " You guys want to hit the Mideast?" " I'd love to, bro." "You know nothing turns me on like a tan chick in a burka." "But I got work and it's a big week." "Johnny Chase is about to get a love interest." " Mail-order bride?" " On the show, wiseass." "And don't be bitter just because I'll be spending the day test-driving the lips of some of Hollywood's finest actresses" " to find my match." " We won't be bitter... but they might." "Insults from a man who's being taken back-to-school shopping by his starlet girlfriend." "I'm sorry I got an actress who's not just my pretend girlfriend." "Okay okay, these two are out, but you and me..." " we're free to travel the globe." " No, I'm not." " Why not?" " Because I've got to work." " On what?" " What are you so busy with?" "Uh, the business." "Come on, E, what do you really have to do?" "I got a stack of scripts to read." "I got..." "I got demo reels." " (mocking) I got..." "I got..." " Are you guys kidding me?" "Remember when you guys used to make fun of me like this?" "Yeah, that made sense." "Wow, I got all the money in the world and all the free time and no one to play with." "You guys suck!" " Sorry, Vin." " Sorry, bro." "No, it's okay." "You go better yourself, Turtle." " Hi, guys." " Hello." "Hey, Nikki." " How's it going?" " Hey, Nikki," " what are you doing today?" " Working." "Aw, too bad." "I was hoping we could hang." "I can see if someone can cover my shift." "Ah, a true friend." "Andrew Klein!" "Where the hell is Andrew Klein?" "Conference room." "This department, believe it or not, in this economy is up staggering..." "Everybody out!" "Except you." "Quickly, go." "Last one out's out of a job." "Let's go!" " What's up, Ari?" " Your wife called my wife." " What?" " Last night your wife called my wife looking for you." " Really?" " Yeah." "I was out." "I was trying to sign Aaron Sorkin." "At 1:00 AM?" "He is sober now, so bullshit." "Okay." "(sighs) I was with Lizzie." " I know." " But I was ending it." " Don't you dare lie to me." " On the life of my kids, Ari." "I thought about my family, my career..." "I ended it." "You put me in a really bad spot." "I lied to my wife." "15 years, I've been faithful." "I don't want the stress of an affair without the fun of the pussy." "It's over, Ari!" "I'm sorry." "(sighs)" " Ari:" "You okay?" " Yeah." "What about Lizzie?" "How'd she take it?" "She's okay, you know, she's a career gal." " She... she doesn't want to screw this up." " Good." " I was serious about Sorkin." " You signed him?" " I'm working on it." " He say anything about me?" " He still hates your guts." " (laughs)" "Listen, we got Schwimmer today." " I want him back on the tube." " I'll do my best." "Do better than that." " Hey, Jane." " Mr. Murphy." " Any calls?" " No." "Oh, actually, DIRECTV called." " Your high-def channels are in." " Cool." " Yeah." " Thanks." "(sighs)" "(distant siren blares)" "Hi, I'm an actor and this is my reel." "Jesus." "(knocks)" " Yeah?" " Ashley Brooks is on the phone." " Oh great, put her through." " Yeah." "(beeps)" " Hello!" " Hey, what are you doing?" "Working away." "I wanted to see if you wanted to have lunch." " Yeah, totally." "You ready now?" " It's 10:00." " Yeah, I guess it is." " You miss me, don't you?" " Maybe." " Well, I'm bored anyway." " Can you get out?" " I'm the boss, Eric." "I can do what I want." "I'll see you in a few." "See you in a few." "Hello, ladies." "It's a pleasure to see you all today." "Johnny Chase." "A pleasure." "Hi there." "Johnny Chase." "How's everything?" "Ready?" "Not too nervous, I hope?" "Don't be." "We're gonna have fun." "But we may do this a few times, so... get your Chapstick ready." "(smacks lips)" " Timmy!" " Hey, Johnny, thanks for coming in." "No, Timmy, thank you." "Thank Eddie Burns." "Thank everyone, really." "For three years I've wanted nothing more than to show my range with a solid female character to play off of." " Now I believe I can do that." " Love the confidence." "We should have done this a long time ago." "We talked about it, but the network was resistant to the idea." " Really, why?" " They didn't think the audience would believe you could get laid." "I'm kidding." "Drama, I'm kidding." "Timbo... you!" "But seriously, keep it in the gym because the network wants more sexy this season, less flannel." "I'll do 24 eps shirtless." "Okay, good." "Let's bring in the first girl." " Let's." " Everybody, this is Megan." "Hi, Megan." "A pleasure." "Hi, Megan." "Action!" "Cut!" "Thank you." "Next!" " I feel weird." " Hm-mm." "You look cute." " I look like Chuck Bass." " You've been paying attention." "Yeah." "If you want to be taken seriously at school, you gotta look serious." " Somewhat serious." " Thank you." " (cell phone ringing)" " I thought you turned that off." "It might have popped back on in my pocket." "Oh, it's Vince." " Yo, Vince, what up?" " Nothing." "I'm bored." "I called you three times, you didn't pick up." "Jamie made me shut it off so I could focus on clothes." " Which he still won't do." " What happened to Nikki?" " Her friend could only cover one shift." " You wanna come hang with us?" "Uh uh uh!" "Vince, you know I love you, but this guy hates to shop and I have been trying to get him clothes for a week, so please just give me a couple of hours and then he's all yours, okay?" "All right, you got it." "No worries." "I'm sure I can find some way to amuse myself." "I'm sure you will." "Goodbye." " Okay, let's go find pants." " Okay." " Sure you can't stay?" " Yeah, I gotta go back to work." " I can come back later." " I don't know what I'm doing later." "Could it be better than this?" "Probably not." " Ari:" "Well?" " Lloyd:" "I'm down six lbs." " Wow." " Does it show?" "Yes, Lloyd, you're half the man you used to be." "And you were only half a man when you started, so bravo." " What happens when I make weight?" " When you're actually presentable in public, your real training will begin." " Ari?" " Yes!" "Can I talk to you for a moment?" "Sure, if you remind me who you are." " Lizzie Grant, Ari." " From the TV department." "TV people usually don't make it this far west." " Could I just have one minute?" " Uh... sure." "Lloyd, uh, close the door." "Thank you." " What is this about?" " I need to apologize." "I don't even know you, so I can't imagine what you could possibly have to apologize to me about." "I know you know about Andrew and me, Ari." " I thought it was over." " It is." " So what's to know?" " I thought I owed you an explanation." "What you owe me is two weeks of my life back!" "I am very sorry." "It was a stupid mistake." ""It was a stupid mistake"..." "that is your explanation?" "Then coming in here was even stupider." " Okay, what can I do?" " Yourjob, and do it well." "I work hard, Ari." "This hasn't affected my job." " It has affected my perception of yourjob." " That's not fair." "Well, life isn't fair so don't fucking cry about it." " I don't cry." " If this isn't over, it's only a matter of time before this office and the whole town's perception of you changes." " Then I will make up for it." " Good, start today in the meeting with Schwimmer..." "do yourjob, nothing else." "Not a problem." "Lloyd, come in here." "Yes, Mr. Gold?" "I want you to keep an eye on Andrew Klein." " Keep my eyes on him how?" " Pretend he's Zac Efron's ball sack." "And find me if you spot anything strange." "(beeps)" "(knocks)" " Yeah?" " Mr. Murphy, Ashley is here to see you." " Okay, send her in." " Mm-hmm." "Well, hello, Mr. Murphy!" "Hello there." " What's with the fossil?" " Shhh." " She's nice." " Well, my grandmother is nice but I wouldn't hire her to be the first face people see when they come to my business." " Don't be mean." " I'm sorry." " The place is great." " Thank you." "I can see why you get bored here all by yourself though." " I don't get bored." " Well, lonely then." "Eh, maybe a little." " Well, I brought you a present." " Really?" "What's the occasion?" "I didn't want my employees thinking I was slacking, so I told them I had a potential buyer's meeting." "Oh, thank you very much." " This is nice." " Is it safe to sit here?" " Safe?" " I don't know." "I don't want to sit somewhere where one of your other girls has "visited" you." " Oh, come on, I don't do that." " Never?" "No!" "I work here." "So you want to go to lunch?" " It's still early." " So what do you want to do?" " You." " Jane is right outside that door." " What, could she even hear?" " Yes!" " With the way you scream?" " I'll hold back." "Okay, cut!" "Great." "Shirley, that was excellent." "Thank you." "Yeah, thank you, Shirley." "Great stuff, great stuff." "Bravo." " What did you think, Drama?" " I thought she sucked." " I thought they all sucked." " All right, calm down." "Where are we getting these girls from anyway?" "We put a call out to all the modeling agencies." "Models?" "!" " That's what this was... a model search?" " The network wants a model." "Am I the only one who was horrified?" "I had zero chemistry with these "models."" "Do you know why?" "Because they could be out-acted by lint." " But they're sexy." " So what?" "I made out with 15 of them..." "not one of them made me draw wood." "You know why?" "Because I'm attracted to talent." "Maybe the storyline just isn't working." "What?" "No no, Timmy, Timmy, it works great." "We just gotta get a real actress in here." " I'll call Eddie Burns." " No no no," "I'll call Eddie Burns." "In fact," "I'll go visit Eddie Burns, face to face." "Andrew:" "No, you made all the right moves." "I know that you love the directing thing," "I know you love doing the theater thing, but I think that this is the right time" " to get back into TV." " Look, I'm not totally ruling it out." "It's just if I'm going to do another series, it's gotta be something fresh, it's gotta be something original." "And the stuff I'm hearing, I'm just not loving." "No worries." "We'll just keep telling you stuff until you hear something you love." "Okay, let's go." "Trish, what do you got?" ""Out There." It's a traditional family sitcom." "You'd play a neurotic funny dad who captains his entire family" " on a cruise around the world." " (laughs)" "Wow, so it's kind of like "Raymond" meets "The Love Boat."" " Yes!" " Oh, cool." "Or I just shoot myself in the fucking face right now." "Don't you dare touch that punim, David Schwimmer, my favorite "Friend."" "Wow, this is a first." "Remember when I signed here how you said you'd be in all my meetings?" "Yeah." " That was a good one." " What else we got?" " Raj, what do you got?" " "Neurosis."" "It's about a neurotic guy who is allergic to everything." "It's really funny." "They want Pamela Anderson for the hot neighbor with a cat... who may or may not talk." " Do you guys validate?" " (laughter)" "No." "All right, Lizzie, go ahead." "Personally, David, I would like to see you do something different." "We all know you can play neurotic, but you're kind of this big strapping guy." ""Guys in Blue." It's a detective show, but it's half hour single-camera." "It's a comedy with edge and you wouldn't be the pushover." "In fact, you would kind of be the jerk." "But it's really funny and it has a lot more heart than you would expect." " We haven't met yet, have we?" " No." "Hi." "David, this is Lizzie Grant, new junior agent." " Lizzie?" "Hi." " Yeah, hi." " We actually spoke on the phone once." " We did?" "Oh, right right!" "You're from Chicago." " Yes!" " She went to Northwestern." " Come on, seriously?" " Yeah." "You actually gave the commencement speech at my graduation." " It was really good." " Oh, thank you." "I..." "I worked really hard on that." "Of course you did." "You're David Schwimmer." "You work hard on everything." "I didn't picture you like this from your voice." "Yeah, I get that a lot." "No, I mean, not that you have a weird voice." "It's just..." "I mean, you have a lovely voice." "Oh, thank you." " Well, this is officially awkward." " (all laugh)" "You know what, Andrew, Ari?" "I really appreciate all of your time and your ideas, especially you, Raj, but I think Lizzie really... really is getting what I'm going for, so why don't we just break this up?" "And, Lizzie, why don't you and I grab some lunch," " talk about it some more?" " Uh..." "That is a great idea." "You guys go grab some lunch..." "I don't know why they just can't stay here." "Because I'm starving and you're boring." "(all laugh)" "Lizzie, why don't we take a drive to the beach?" "Yeah, sounds great." " You guys enjoy yourselves." " Thanks." "Have a good meeting." "Hi, I can't believe you were there for that speech." " What kind of name is Kanarchy?" " That's her last name." " No, it's Kanarchy Lewis." " I have no idea." " This is awful." " Tell me about it." "I've read 10 scripts this week." "They're all awful." "Good thing you have Vince." "You don't really have to read any of these." " (knocks)" " Jane:" "Mr. Murphy?" " Yeah?" " Uh... oh, it's locked." "Well, I'm working!" "What's up?" "Don't yell at her." "You'll give her a heart attack." "Vince is on the phone." "He insists on talking to you." "Uh... okay, put him through." " (phone beeps)" " Hello!" "Hey, what are you doing?" "I'm working." "What do you think I'm doing?" " Jane said Ashley's there." " So?" "Uh-huh." "Nothing." "Hey, how come you're not on this Facebook thing?" "Uh, because I'm an adult." " How come you are?" " Nikki showed it to me." "I set up my profile and I already got 74 friend requests." " Jesus." " Yeah." "It's kind of amazing." " You remember Kimberly Kirsch?" " No." "Yeah, neither do I, but apparently I was her first kiss in fifth grade." "She's got four kids now, but she still looks hot." " Okay, have fun." " Hey... you think it's a bad idea if I invite one of my new friends over?" " Oh, shut up!" " She's really cute... college grad, lots of respectable-looking friends, all of whom say very nice things about her." " Vince, please don't get killed!" " I'm playing with you." "Okay." "Are you good?" "Because I should get back to work." "E, I'm great." "And you should lighten up." "Life's good." " Just look over at Ashley." " (chuckles)" " All right, I'll talk to you later." " Later." " Everything okay?" " He's happy." "He found Facebook." " And what about you?" " Right now I am." "I'm glad I could help." "Maybe we should make this a daily occurrence." "If we made this a daily occurrence, I'd be working at J Crew and you'd be managing the biggest loser." " Well, at least he's working." " What's wrong?" "Eh, nothing." "I just really don't know what I'm doing here." "What do you mean?" "I don't understand." "I mean that I come here every day so I feel like I have purpose, but the truth is last year Vince's career exploded and the rest of my business imploded." "But you have Vince." "Yeah, but what do I have here in this office?" " Jane?" " Yeah." "You know, I never really knew how to make this a real business." "I was always good at helping Vince move forward, not very good at helping myself move forward." "But, Eric, you have Vince!" "Do you know how lucky you are?" "Two years ago I was managing a grocery store to pay my bills." "And you have the freedom that most people suffer for." "Don't take it for granted." "Yeah..." "So?" "What do you really want?" "I don't know." "Hey, buddy, how'd your lunch go?" "It was going great till your new TV head crashed it." " What?" " Yeah, what a freak." " We were having such a good time." " I'm sorry about that, David." "I'm sure he was just feeling protective of a young agent." "Bullshit." "He's either fucking her or he's trying to." " Isn't he married?" " Yes!" "Well, someone should tell him." "Anyway, I like her and I like the idea." "We should set up a meeting." " You got it, man." " And, you know, Ari, I'm really pissed." "I couldn't even eat dessert knowing I wasn't going to fuck that girl today." "I'm sorry about that." "I'll see you, David." " Mr. Gold, Mr. Gold!" " What what?" "!" "I think something strange is happening with Andrew Klein." "Why?" "Because he's sitting in his car in the parking garage." " Doing what?" " His back was to me so I can't be sure, but he seemed to be... weeping." " Go lose more weight, Lloyd." " What?" "Go lose more weight." "Now!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "Please please, don't be mad at me." " Don't be mad at you?" " I'm having a meltdown." "Are you my friend?" "I mean, I'm having a meltdown." "You're melting me down, both personally and at work." " No." "No, I'm not." " You're not?" "You didn't bust in on the David Schwimmer lunch?" "Yes, and Schwimmer is doing the show!" " He's doing it, Ari!" " He said he was going to do TV?" "Yeah yeah, but I couldn't just let him fuck her." "Yes, he's doing TV." "And... and Sorkin is coming in." "Okay?" "He's right there." " Are you kidding?" " No, I'm killing it for you at work!" " You know..." " (honks)" "Shit." "And I tried to keep my wife away from your wife." " I didn't mean for any of this to happen." " You said that it was over." "I thought it was, but look at me!" "Look... can you just be my friend?" "Tell me what to do. (sniffles)" "Think about your kids." "Think about how you want them to think about their dad." "Do you want them to think that you spent your life as a liar?" " I'm telling you, they were bush leaguers." " Drama, please, calm down." "If you were there, you'd be freaking out too." "It was awful." "Oh really?" "Because my wife is friends with one of the girls that came in..." "Stacy... she said you made her do 25 takes, man." "Well, I gave them all a fair look." "Look, I'm trying to make a movie here, all right?" "Eddie, I know you've moved on from our little TV effort, and are content to just receive a no-show paycheck, but I'm still here, trying to make sure those paychecks keep coming in for you." "And I appreciate that." "But this thing shoots on Thursday and we gotta lock somebody down, man." " Do another casting session." " There's not enough time." "Let's make an offer out to some known actresses." " A known actress?" "Like who?" " Natalie Portman." "Get the fuck out of here." "You're not going to get Natalie Portman." " Rachel McAdams." " Dude, you are clearly lost in another one of your delusional daydreams." "It's one scene in one episode of a middling NBC drama." "Look, I'm sorry, but we're not going to get a big-name actress for that part." " Come on, Turtle, hurry up." " I'll be right out." " Absolutely not!" " Why?" "For so many reasons." "The first one being" "I don't want your tongue in my girlfriend's mouth." "It's just acting!" "I know where your tongue's been and I have to act like I'm not horrified." "Turtle, I've never really asked you for anything, 'cause you've never really had anything worth asking for, but now I'm asking you as a friend if you would please just ask Jamie if she would consider it?" "I can't do it." "This is really really important to me, Turtle." "Really important, please!" "Come on, baby, let's go." "I want to see what you look like." "I'm coming." "I love you, Drama, I just can't." "I'm sorry." "(sighs)" "(gasps) I love that." "Yeah?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "We're gonna take everything." "Whoa whoa whoa." "No no no." "Um, I'm not letting you buy all this." "It's my pleasure." "Besides, you're a student now." "You don't have any money." "Actually, I..." " I got a little." " Where'd you get that?" " Vince." " (cell phone ringing)" "Who is that?" "Drama." "Everything all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "(cell phone rings)" " Hello?" " Andrew:" "I thought about what you said." "I don't want to live a lie." "I don't want my kids to see that." " Good." " I left Marlo, Ari." "I was honest and straightforward." "But it won't affect work." "I wanted you to know." "I'll call you later." " Hello!" " Hi." "Hi, Daddy." "What are the flowers for?" " They're for Mommy." " Why, what'd you do?" "Nothing." "I wanted to show her my love." "Where is she?" " She's on the phone." " Thanks, buddy." "Mrs. Ari:" "I d..." "I don't... okay." "I am so sorry." "I'll talk to you later." " Hey, honey." "What's going on?" " That was Marlo." " Andrew left her." " Jesus." "He said that you advised him to?" "Baby, let's go to dinner and we will talk about it." "I'd rather not." "Daddy's in trouble!" "Daddy's in trouble!" "Drama:" "You think Jessica Alba would do it if you call her?" " No." " Any shot you'd call Scarlett Jo?" "Uh... no." "Sorry, Johnny." " I understand." " Hey hey, look at this guy!" " Very nice, Turtle." " I did good, right?" " Eh." " You don't think he looks nice?" "Who knew you could find style in the husky section?" " (laughs)" " That's not nice." "He's not nice to me." "Why should I be nice to him?" "Oh yeah?" "Loaning out my girlfriend to you isn't nice?" " What?" " Jamie:" "He asked me to do the show." "And believe me, I could tell it was a struggle for him." " You asked her?" " It'll help you out, right?" "You have no idea how much." "It's cool with you, Jamie?" "Yeah, it'll be fun." "Yeah, it's gonna be fun." "And it's only one day." " Yeah." "How many kisses?" " Like four... and the sex scene, but it's network so it's not gonna be too graphic." " There's a sex scene now?" " I'm kidding!" "This is awesome!" "Thank you so much." "I appreciate it." " You're welcome." " I just can't wait... ooh." " Save it." " Come here, bro." " Thanks a lot." "I appreciate that." " My pleasure." " You want a beer?" "I need a beer." " Yes, now." " Yo." " E:" "Yo." "Vince:" "Everything okay?" "What's wrong?" " Ah, I'm shutting down the business." " The Murphy Group?" " Yep." " It wasn't much of a group anyway." "Come on, Johnny." "Why, what happened?" "The only reason I ever opened the office in the first place was because I didn't think it'd look good having a guy manage you from his kitchen." "My first manager didn't even have a kitchen... a small studio and a hotplate." " (chuckles)" " E, don't worry about that." "If you're happy..." "Well, I'm not." "Is this cause we were making fun of you this morning?" " We were just kidding." " No, it's got nothing to do with that." "The office is a joke." "I'm okay with it." "Great!" "So sit back and enjoy some time off." "I gotta say, a little hiatus does a body good." "An extended vacation, E, then you figure out what the next big move is." "Hear hear!" "To little people who dream of doing big things." " Such a jerk." " Come on, we'll hit Paris," " hang out till the movie starts." " Naw, I can't ditch Ashley." " Oh ho!" " Come on!" " Who's Ashley?" " God, this kid's whipped already." " What are you talking about?" " You little pussy!" " Bitch, come over here!" " Whoa!" " Stay back!" " (all yelling)"