"Inforg Studio presents" "Benedek Fliegauf's film" "SPARKLE" "It felt as if there was no air." "It was a strange experience that there had been air and now there wasn't." "There are times when you can feel short of air and your nose is blocked and you blow it and do all kinds of things and there was still no air." "None." "So I looked around ad saw the others could breathe." "So there hadn't been a nuclear attack." "What could it be?" "God only knows." "You know what it is because there aren't that many options to choose from." "I guess it could have been a pulmonary embolism that is another type of heart attack." "You know what the problem is but you draw things out in case it isn't true and it might be something else." "It was possibly the wine that saved me and held me back in that split second from the deep because red wine dilates the blood vessels." "But I did the opposite too and" "I started to smoke because I hadn't lit one in a while and that could be the problem" "but then everything did go dark because I really did run out of air for a while." "It didn't happen as I sucked on a cigarette but everything got slowly darker or rather as if there was a film on my eyes." "I went out to bathroom to see what it looked like on the outside." "I wanted to know if I was experiencing something that could be seen on the outside." "I wanted to see if there was a sign of some sort." "And I saw a stranger's face staring back at me." "It was a face I had never seen before and I didn't know though I was the one standing in front of the mirror." "This person had no colour and" "I thought it must be the lighting." "There was a horrible neon light and" "I thought it might me that." "But as I am a photographer," "I had to conclude that the light couldn't cause this." "There was something terribly wrong." "And so I tried to wash my face." "I could do everything perfectly well but I was short of air, sweating, weak and in pain." "The pain was excruciating." "So I paid, jumped in a taxi, and went home." "I sat in the cab and thought the fresh air from the window would make things better but I still felt short of oxygen." "So I went home." "I got up to the first floor somehow." "It is an old building and there's no lift." "I was alone in the flat because my wife was 210 kilometres away in Gombosszeg" "and I wondered what I should do." "I managed to cross the road but I hardly made it to the doctor's surgery on the other side." "I had to hold the wall and although there was a queue, they let me in right away because I looked dreadful." "Then they whisked me into hospital." "They did what they had to do." "It looked what it seemed like an age but they had given me something for the pain back at the surgery." "It was something like morphine or a morphine derivative and so I was pretty sedated." "The pain continued and it wasn't as strong but everything hurt terribly behind a curtain of fog." "The pain wasn't as sharp." "I had my pain in my back, my arms, my elbow, and mainly in my breastbone." "It wanted to explode and I could feel this in my back." "But it depends and it's different for everybody." "And then..." "I had a feeling that this was no longer life and it was a new phase." "It was another level, another floor." "I brought this to the attention of the staff." "But what I said was a lie." "This was the interesting thing." "I told them that I thought I was going to pass out when I knew that I wasn't fainting but dying." "But I didn't want to scare them and so I just made them aware that something was happening" "Just thinking it and saying it took up such a great amount of energy that" "I died in the same minute." "The film stopped in that second." "It really was like a cut in a film and the picture disappeared and there was no doctor doing things, no nurse putting down her notepad and running for help." "And there was no falling dip-stand that someone caught in the last minute otherwise it would have pulled the needle out." "So there was none of this but what I can only call a cut in the film because there was something to replace it in the next second and it was completely familiar to me and terribly unfamiliar at the same time." "The two things at once and" "I couldn't separate them and that was unknown to me." "You end up... in a state before spoken language or words, in fact in a state before images can be sensed." "So you find yourself in a word where there are no pictures and where words haven't even appeared on the horizon of the universe because there has never been a horizon." "But you have the full contents of your consciousness." "So this is a darkness in which we turn from somewhere to somewhere." "But I didn't know what this something was and where I was coming from and where I was going because this had never happened to me before." "And at the same time, the content of my consciousness, all that came from my whole life stopped and this is where the film of your life typically flashes before your eyes." "Nothing ran in front of my eyes." "It couldn't be compared to a film but it was more like a very complex structure." "It was a very complicated system for stored data in a form rather like a database on a computer." "It was in the state in which pictures are recorded on he brain stem before hey are evaluated and stored either in the emotional or sensory parts of the brain but both of these." "So information can go either here or there as a result of how I understood them and what the became." "What became of it in this direction and what happened to it in that direction." "But anything can be accessed anytime but there is no anything and there is no anytime." "Everything is present but in another dimension." "And this other dimension is stronger." "So it's crazy and this and this craziness has strength." "And this is the moment when you say to yourself that, yes, this is death." "This is the dimension of death, this has strength," "This is the whole of which I am a part or which I become a part." "But I had no idea when it came to how and why." "It was s completely protected and happy feeling and the consciousness that I brought from my life recorded how good this was and that I had been aiming for this for my whole life in my love affairs and these became very concrete." "I have to add that it isn't in the same way as when you define things after you wake and not like in a dream" "because names aren't attached." "The whole thing is made up of clusters of sensation." "If we want to be true to the story, we should add that millions of years passed and in reality, timelessness passed that can't in fact pass." "The next stage is often referred to as a cave but for me it was more like the whole universe and the light was the first thing to appear." "It was a light I had never seen before" "I didn't know what it was." "But as a photographer, who has the mind of a photographer, you not only know but you instantly have a frame of reference." "So it was a definite sort of light, an opal, a filtered light, an artificially filtered light." "I saw the light behind a very peculiar form." "It was a dimension." "But the consciousness that experiences this doesn't know because it is seeing it for the first time." "But neither does it know it is seeing it for the first time." "This is exactly what creates the dimension of infinity or timelessness as there is no point of reference." "There is only the process." "It turned and started to move in a spiral towards the light but I had the consciousness that I brought from my life and this theoretically doesn't contain an image of the birth canal." "We cannot remember this but we have an experience that can be recalled using various psychological techniques and we also have a very virtual experience, which we can convert physical sensations, phenomena, and experiences into pictorial form." "Dreams wouldn't be possible in any other way and we all have experienced that." "So if we carry a sensation inside ourselves from birth, then there is a great possibility that it can be translated into pictorial language, its various stages can be translated into a pictorial language." "And so, in the state when a person dies, in order to protect himself and to create the content of consciousness that is him, and the whole, the complete whole that is the life of a being, a living being," "the last experience is also the first." "And the two experiences turn into one another and face each other that he has carried with him for his whole life and in many aspects from which his life emerged." "The idea that the birth canal or the womb or the entrance to this cave strongly resembles the female genitalia is a later supposition because I didn't know what it was." "I didn't even ask what this was because, compared to life that I left behind, it was a whole." "And I was happy to have this whole as I had strived for wholeness all my life and I had it at last." "So these poor unfortunates believed that they had to take me back into life that was the lack of wholeness." "Now I had it and it would be mine." "And then... the nurse reappeared with the equipment, two doctors leaning over me, registering that I had come back and looked up." "I saw them and their concern first before they saw my return and this very little piece of time was the difference." "I had no sense of my body for a while." "Your sense of body comes back later." "And when I did have it, it was from the electric shocks that make you twitch like a frog and lose control of your body." "You wet yourself and might even evacuate your bowels," "I don't know, but I wet myself." "It might have been earlier or then, I don't know." "Suddenly the body is back and urinating and twitching." "This is something you can't stop and so the whole bodily thing starts all over again." "The special part of the process is that you sense" "what the spirit is and what the body is and" "what we call... consciousness" "and also how these are unjustly and unjustifiably separated for a lifetime." "It was a 5-year process before" "I managed to separate them again." "Then what happened again was that, like a monkey," "I knew what I had to copy of the behaviour of others." "I did what I usually did or rather what I used to do and what they did." "But this was without any kind of internal conviction." "Inner conviction returns in part later on." "People who knew me before and after say that I have become colder and I also feel that because I express myself more extremely and I am polite but I'm not as polite." "I no longer enter into certain lies, ...certain "life lies"." "It's no thrill." "The experience is not appropriate." "It's an experience, I would say," "that is in a way worthless." "I can't remember, seriously." "I can remember that I went to work," "I know the people with whom I spent a part of my life and I know what I did." "But when it comes to what sort of person I was shit." "I'm serious." "I feel ashamed of myself." "The people who saw me from the outside, said I was a good man, hardworking, and helpful." "And when I think back, I don't know why I was like that." "I guess I had to be like that in order to change." "It was a Honda CRX." "They used to call it the 'speeding coffin" back then." "And a load of people said I shouldn't buy it because that was the name and I didn't know?" "So many people die in it." "I said no, I wouldn't." "I'm different from all the others." "Can't you see how calm I am?" "At least that's what I always showed." "It was the only real decision I had mad in my life up to then." "I wanted to buy that car." "It was a beautiful, red sports car." "I set off for work from home in the morning." "I said goodbye to my mother who walked out with me every morning and told me to look after myself." "And I said, sure, I would take care." "So I set off and went merrily on my way." "I got stuck behind a truck in Fót that was doing a steady 30." "Traffic was coming in the other direction and I couldn't overtake." "I knew I wouldn't get there in time." "I was never late for anything." "Then, from one minute to the next, I felt the car move to the side, and started to slide, and the bus was there." "I looked up and saw the driver grab the wheel and stare with horror at what would happen next." "I must have stepped on the gas and I never took my foot off it again." "I missed the bus." "I went up on the curb and I tried to pull the car back but I stepped on the gas." "I got thrown back off the curb and I hit a tree at 140, front on." "The belt held me back because I always put it on and I got thrown forward." "The motor got pushed back and shoved the steering mechanism into my face." "It hit my face and my head flipped back and hit the headrest and that was it." "Everything went black for as minute and I thought I would open my eyes." "I could see a cobweb and that was the windscreen." "I could see the car pass from behind me but the truck stopped and I quickly jumped out and said not to worry and I would sort things out." "I could see the driver's mate running to a printing works we'd just passed to tell the porter to phone" "but I knew the man on the gate was phoning already because he had seen what happened." "And I could understand what was happening." "I could see the truck driver running to the car and I wanted to tell him, "Stop, because I'm here." "You can see that there is nothing wrong with me." "I can sort the car out, don't worry."" "But he just kept running and didn't listen to me at all." "It was a waste of time me saying anything because he ran right through me." "He ran over to the car and tried to get the door open." "And I said, "But I'm here, can't you see?"" "Then I could see someone sitting in the car and I looked for my car to see what had happened." "Had I hit another car?" "I didn't understand." "Who was sitting in the car?" "What's this here?" "I knew that they picked the phone up at the hospital and I knew that the poor woman raised her child on her own and she wanted to be at home because her kid was sick." "I also knew that there were three ambulances and two were out and one was off the road." "Then I could feel myself lifting from somewhere that we call Earth." "At the same time, I knew everything that was going on as it happened." "The driver's mate came back and he started to direct the traffic because everyone had stopped to see what had happened." "But no one else actually stopped except them." "I knew what the people in the cars were thinking because one was taking his wife to have a baby." "And she was crying at the injustice of her about to give birth to life when someone had just died." "The odd thing is that when I floated up," "I started to go somewhere but I didn't know where I was going." "Towards a point." "It was as if the road was forming in front of me." "It was beautiful." "Everything around me was dark and the spirits started to appear." "We were headed towards a point." "A lot of people on Earth died in that minute and we were all heading in the same direction." "It was like a giant open space with a podium at the centre all lit up with paths leading between the rows of chairs and not one but as many as there were people there." "They didn't cross and each person followed their own path." "And it kept forming." "Some people had formed paths that lead there and mine formed in front of me as I went." "It was as if we were walking among the stars." "It was like a meadow but it wasn't a meadow." "It appeared to be full of flowers and plants and souls." "There was freedom there and it felt as if music was coming from somewhere but it wasn't music because it was also inside me." "I couldn't put one foot in front of the other because I felt that I couldn't continue." "I was surrounded by so much love that it burned." "And the light." "It was like looking straight at the Sun, which you can't." "This was much stronger but I could look into it." "Everything was drenched in a silvery grey light." "It was like opening a door and the light comes in and there is someone or something standing in it." "Loved ones appeased whom I'd already lost in my life." "I recognised my father and my grandparents" "and he said, "You have come sooner than you should."" "And I didn't understand." "He had died." "I was 13 the last time that we met." "What was going on?" "Was I really dreaming?" "How come he was there?" "And he probably knew why." "Just as a person doesn't have eyes, ears, or a mouth and I still know what they are thinking." "Or what was going on." "I can't explain it any better." "And he said, "It's me." "You recognised me, didn't you?"" "And I was meeting people I'd lost and I thought I would never see again." "We embraced but we couldn't embrace because I had no arms so how could I embrace them?" "Yet still I embraced everyone who was there" "And he said the person that I imagined myself to be until then was there in the car." "And I said, "But I'm here." He said, "Yes, you're here but the person you thought you were is there." "Look for yourself."" "And it was like moonlight shining into a clearing in a forest and there were little patches of mist." "Little sponge fingers of mist." "There was a little light but it was still transparent and I knew it was him." "He was much younger than when he died." "He was young when he died because he was only 46." "I met a young man." "He was a young soul." "And even my grandparents were younger." "And I had a feeling that I was in the wrong place and the sense that" "I had put down everything I had done up to that point." "I was carrying things with me that I couldn't take there." "And then I felt my life flashing in front of me." "Every moment." "And all my thoughts, words, and actions were there before me and their consequences." "And that wasn't good." "There were some really good moments too." "But not the whole thing." "When I could really turn to other with love, or him to me," "it was really good." "And it wasn't the lights and these things that touched me but the love. the light that filled every ounce of my body." "It filled every atom." "And if I think about it, I can still feel it filling me." "I either live like this or like that." "Or I can drop it or I can't drop it." "And I carry it with me." "When I was there, I tried to free myself of this because it wasn't good for me." "It was a terrible feeling for me." "Until this burned out from within me with all those tiny needles" "sticking in me," "I couldn't move on." "I had a friend who hanged himself because he got into terrible debt and his family didn't know." "He went into the forest one morning." "He had three daughters and he hanged himself." "And I met him." "It must be hell itself when you live the same thing every day because he thought he could put an end to his life when his bodily life ended." "I met him there and I said, "Misi, what are you doing?"" "Because he spent every minute of every day preparing to end his life because when he experienced that there really was something after life, he didn't understand it." "And he was in hell." "In every second." "The feeling of leaving home, leaving his family, and knowing that he was going to hang himself." "And then it happened again and again and again." "And souls and all kind of beings tried to help him." "They surrounded him with immense love." "And until he experienced and understood that there really is something afterwards, he would be stuck in hell." "Everything was clustered up inside him." "This soul clustered around its own axis." "I don't know what happened next because everything stopped." "And there was neither black nor white and I don't know what happened." "I felt that there was nothing." "I don't know how long that lasted." "A year, for a thousand years, or for fractions of a moment?" "I didn't exist." "It was the worst feeling." "Not to exist." "You have a sense of existence even when you are asleep." "You turn a little, you open your eyes, and you still know that you are here but when that isn't there, you know nothing." "You never experienced it because you have always existed." "And when this ended, I experienced things that are hard to describe, like the meadow." "I was part of everything." "And still I am." "And the past, the present, and the future were all there in that existence." "I said that I didn't want to leave that place." "I felt at home at last." "I'd gone home." "And I didn't care if they were mourning me or they buried me." "I was at home." "And if you enlarge it and you move further away from the galaxy, what do you see?" "Tiny dots and nothingness." "And if you move deeper in, you experience the same thing:" "atoms, neutrons, quarks, and nothing." "How should I describe this?" "And everything and everyone is there in this nothingness." "It's there." "And this is not the kind of nothingness when I have no sense of existence." "That minute or few seconds." "But life is here with your life and their lives." "Everything and everyone is in there." "The light of time was there too." "It was as is smoke of different colours was held, swirling, in a glass ball and always changing, sometimes green and some other colour." "I can't explain." "There were things there that are invisible to the eye." "And everything was whirling around along with time." "And there was a beginning and an end." "And there was still something different there." "I was stunned by it all and I could feel someone put their hand on my shoulder and say, "Go, you still have job to do."" "And I said, "What job?" "I am at home." "Where should I go?"" "And I could feel it starting and coming towards me, slowly at first and then getting faster." "But I don't want this?" "Where should I go?" "I am at home." "There was everything in this." "And I tried to hand on but I couldn't hang on." "And it got narrower like a cone and there was s little light at the end but everything was dark and things started to blur." "I had to leave a load of people there from whom I was able to exist." "That touched me." "My existence depended on them." "It was so much better than being touched by your father or mother." "It contained everything." "I don't know if I was touched or not but it was like your father putting his hand on your shoulder and saying "come on, son"." "There was a certain place that I didn't move from." "I didn't step beyond it." "I have no idea what exists or doesn't beyond it because I am here now." "If I were to come back to life 10 years after dying," "I would be able to say what happened." "I didn't get to that point because I was only dead for 4 and a half minutes." "You try to cling on but you can feel that there is less and less of you." "Something pulls you and it gets faster and faster and someone comes back who fits into this." "In fact it goes on a bit longer." "I felt myself arrive somewhere here in the centre of my forehead." "I was lying in a cold corridor and my mother came along and tried to hold me and they tried to keep her back so she couldn't touch me." "The poor thing cried and then someone leaned over me and then nothing for a while." "It wasn't because they sedated me but because I fell into a coma and I was in a coma for 2 weeks." "I not only broke my vertebrae but also fractured my skull" "That came across my face and my head broke in two." "My jaw got pushed up between my brain and my skull." "That had to be lifted out and put back together." "It broke in 16 places." "My upper jaw broke and they somehow fixed that and they took my cheekbone out" "and things like that." "People said that I had changed a lot and I wasn't like I am now." "And I said, "Thank God for that!"" "If I had stayed the same," "I would have not been true to myself." "I have one friend left while I used to have a lot of so-called friends." "It's because I am different now." "And not because I wasn't as happy or nor as helpful but because I felt a different atmosphere around me." "I still feel very homesick." "I can't explain what it feels like." "Where should I feel homesick for when I am here?" "I am in that." "I have to consciously remember that every now and again." "I am still there." "Despite what happens, I am in this thing." "I noticed that the concierge's son was mowing the lawn next door." "I was surprised as to why he happened to be mowing the lawn." "I stopped as I walked past and stared." "I was about 100 metres away." "It might have been less." "He was about 45-50 metres away and in that split second I felt" "something happen to me and the world stopped." "Everything stopped." "I reached down to my leg and nothing hurt in the least but I touched my leg and I could feel a big hole." "And I could feel something moist flowing through my hand and I could see pink pieces of flesh on the ground and I supposed they came from me." "Nothing hurt but I felt that" "I was part of everything." "They called an ambulance and it came and they put me in the ambulance." "That's right." "I don't think I fainted but" "I was simply bleeding to death." "I lost so much blood that I lost consciousness." "But instead of that," "I saw my own mother whose workplace must have been about 2 kilometres away and I saw her running in panic with no shoes on." "It was so clear." "I knew exactly what was happening to her." "I saw my own life going forward in several different versions." "The odd thing was that it was from the age of 17 to 24 until I became a nun, and these lives appeared in patches." "Everything was about men wanting to marry me." "They had their lives and I had to integrate into them." "They had their own norms and values that were good." "There was an Italian photographer, a Chilean scientist and citizen of the world," "a German opera singer, a German film director, and all kinds of people." "I had such an effect on them that they wanted to marry me and to be the mother of their child and things and I always went along with it for a while and then I really felt, no, this was wrong." "I was only 12 but I experienced this in full." "So when I had the accident," "I knew exactly what was going to happen to me and I also knew that I didn't want it." "I didn't know how to get out of it." "When these images appeared," "when I was unconscious, when I wasn't medically conscious," "I didn't feel like I had no consciousness like when someone faints and everything goes black." "I felt a strong sense of consciousness." "But I was conscious in a way that saw my physical body as a tiny, little something." "But it was still there," "...still a part of me." "But the greater consciousness was what was going on inside with the images and sensations and everything." "And it was like that rather than" "as if things had changed or changed back in some way or the centre had moved back into that little body." "When I wasn't conscious, the centre of my consciousness or the centre of my self wasn't my body, it was outside and I could see like a chameleon and see what was behind me at the same time." "So not like the way we normally see when we see from a certain angle." "When you meditate, it expands." "Everything appeared to be in a sphere." "Then something appeared that" "I guess I could call it a "c version"." "Something appeared that said there was indeed another life it wasn't like this." "It was different but then I thought I had to go." "I thought for me to live like this within in a way I would like could not be achieved in a body and so I thought it would be better not to be in a body." "It felt better to be like this than go back." "Then I saw an image of my mother and that she was suffering terribly and she knew that something had happened to her daughter." "She knew something awful had happened to her child." "I could see her running and I could see what this meant to her inside." "And that she wouldn't be able to or she would but..." "I could see it was terrible pain that she was experiencing." "Then I thought well, okay then." "And I know that this was a conscious decision and that no one pulled me anywhere." "So no one came along... and said that I should go back because this or that person was waiting for me or that I still had to do something or other." "There was nothing like that." "I just knew that it was my decision that I was there and that it was what I wanted and that' why I was there." "So this was the moment when the focus changed." "Boom." "And the pain came back in that split second." "When I woke, I woke to them throwing in there." "I was on the operating table and they threw a ball bearing in front of me and they said that this was in my thigh." "So the lawnmower had shot this into my thigh." "It was as if I had tow lives after the accident for a long while." "So I had a real life that I lived for myself and I had a life that I presented to the world." "And there was a safe, little border that I moved along and I was able to completely determine what I gave of myself." "I supported myself for 4 years busking in West Berlin and later in Hamburg and I taught people to play the flute." "I stood on the steps to the church and" "I looked over to the entrance of the Deutsche Oper Berlin and I wrote a letter to Herr Götz Friedrich who was the director at the time." "They said that the rehearsal for Lohengrin started in a week and I should turn up with a score and a dictionary." "I did The Magic Flute like this from November to May in three acts and it was a kind of introduction in that" "I had no money at all." "I survived on water from the tap in the toilet and I got the odd invitation." "But I lived without eating, drinking tap water, and accepting food if it was offered or I stole a potato from the landlady or something." "But I had nothing and it was really good." "I started to have pains." "They weren't typical physical pains so my liver didn't hurt or my heart or something specific... but it felt like my atoms were hurting." "And there were little pinprick pains." "When I went home at night to sleep," "I was afraid I would fall asleep and" "I would be sucked into blackness." "I thought that if I went to sleep with this pain, my consciousness would cease to exist." "It was as if a thick, black mass would extinguish my consciousness." "And to stop this happening," "I stayed alert to make sure I stayed awake." "It went on like this until... the middle of May when" "I bumped into a classmate on the street who gave me a telephone number and told me to call this woman and that she would help me." "She was a little, white haired, old lady;" "a little sparkling old lady." "And she was the only person I'd met in years in whom I could detect any kind of sparkle." "And she said that this had to go to the absolute bottom." "Well I thought I didn't really know how to go any lower than I already was." "And she said I had to want the light." "She said these two things and then she left me alone and she said she wouldn't give me food, only drink and only a little because if she started to give me food," "I would spoil this process or" "I would turn back from somewhere." "So she gave me a room and I felt relatively safe and I waited." "But it was real suffering to stay awake for nearly 40 days in constant pain with no sleep." "It was as if I knew that" "I was on the boundary of being and not being." "And it was as if I had to keep pulling myself back into being." "Then one night..." "I knew that it was the end." "I simply woke up in the middle of the night and I knew it was the end." "It's when you meet with what Buddhists refer to as the "will of being", with the essence." "The will to be." "The will to live." "But it was as if I didn't know how to deal with this because it couldn't be compared to any kind of physical desire like me wanting something." "It was an unbelievable force." "It was also frightening to think that" "I should want something so much." "It wasn't a reaction but an action." ""I am" and that was what I wanted." "This isn't because of something and not against something but simply the will to be." "And then light entered this will." "I had to want the light." "this woman was called June and she always said that" "I had to want the light." "But I didn't think about that at all because" "I was so taken up with the pain." "And it was just as if..." "But for weeks," "I knew who I was and I knew my name and everything but I had the feeling and that's how I felt, and I kept telling the woman that" "I was being burned out of myself." "It felt like pinpricks or lasers were burning me out of myself." "It felt like everything, I mean everything, that is me was ceasing to exist." "A shining point of light appeared no bigger than a peppercorn or even smaller like a crystal of salt." "It was under my navel in my belly." "And that was the only point that didn't hurt." "Just that one point of light." "And this little point of light and this will came together or I directed my attention to this light and it started to grow but from the inside." "It was like a child growing with me from inside but this baby was light." "And where it spread, it slowly grew." "And where it spread, it no longer hurt." "What I describe happened during the night." "The whole thing took about 5 hours." "And I was fully conscious of what was happening." "In fact, I have to say that..." "I have never been as conscious of anything in my life." "So it started to grow inside and it grew to the size of a melon and" "then it became amorphous and it grew to fill my body until it began to leave my body to the point where the pain reached." "And I could see that" "I was lying in a ball of light and that was me." "Nothing else existed and that was me and this was a completely neutral state." "It wasn't good and it wasn't bad, not light and not dark, and it was shiny but... in a nondescript way." "And there was no me." "I couldn't say that I am but all I could say was that." "I couldn't speak or think but I experienced that this was me." "It's like someone thinking they are a duck." "I thought that I was this light." "Then there was another wave and the forces were incredibly strong." "It was the kind of force that women feel when they are giving birth and when it comes, it wipes everything else out." "And you have to stay inside it." "So you know that you cannot escape from it." "You can't say that you have had enough and just step out of it." "This is a very strong force that started to grow on the outside." "the light started to move beyond the egg." "And as it grew, I became happier." "This must have lasted an hour." "It grew as big as the Earth and the Moon, and there were no more planets in there but it was big enough for this to fit in." "The strangest thing of all is that I knew that the greatest disorder, wherever it might be, would all be sorted." "I knew that there would be nothing out of order or not as it should be." "It was very strange because before then" "I had been a disruptive sort." "And I was surprised to see that everything was there, down to the last scrap, the last everything, exactly where it had to be." "Nothing could be anywhere else." "I started to feel so happy that I wasn't really interested." "Then there was another wave and the whole closed nature of it exploded like what is now the Earth and I literally saw that the space into which the light had spread was in our physical reality." "Then this will and the light came together again in a big wave as if the whole thing exploded into infinity in all directions and as if the light had broken free into infinity." "Then I was filled with a happiness that" "I could never describe in words." "And I knew this was what I had been looking for." "Or that it was what everyone seeks or something." "Anyway, I knew." "I also knew that there was nothing after this." "It was the beginning and the end." "I got up next morning and the woman asked me if it had happened." "And I just grinned and that was all I could do for weeks and moved very slowly." "It was very strange because for about 3 weeks" "I felt as if the whole light of the cosmos was shining out of me and" "I moved very slowly inside this." "If I did anything, moved, or the slightest tremor..." "I can't describe it." "It was as if I had to move terribly slowly in a magical world." "And it took 3 weeks for things to normalise and for the physical world to grow stronger than the light." "And I have known it is like this since then." "So when I heal or make music," "I allow this light to grow larger and when I go shopping or take my son to play sport," "I try to concentrate that the physical world should be more intensive." "But the two are always there." "I had to learn to live with this." "Back then, I didn't know what it was." "So I didn't know what I had experienced and..." "I only know now that" "I went through something without an external master." "It was a kind of transformation." "And when this happens in the safe environment of an abbey, you are surrounded by people who know what is happening to you." "Yes, such things can be taught and have instructions." "But I had no idea about any of this." "I never get anything from anyone." "Because that's best for me." "So it does happen and you have to realise that and when people say," ""Judit, be this sort of person, go here, okay?"" "And still they don't treat you as they should and say," ""It's alright for you!"" "And so my remaining passion, and this sounds stupid but it's true, is that" "I suffer because people suffer because things are going well for me." "If anyone asks me what, as a simple, Hungarian girl, has given me the greatest sense of achievement and what I am proud of," "I would say it doesn't matter who tries to hurt me," "I don't feel a thing."