"[Cell door slams]" "[Cell door slams]" "What do I think love is?" "Uh..." "It's like when someone makes your stomach feel all tight, but floaty at the same time, you know?" "And your cheeks hurt from smiling." "And you smile so much that people think something's wrong with you." "Love is light." "Acceptance." "Fire." "Pain." "Horrible pain." "That you want again and again." "And also, fucking." "Twenty-four seven, deep-dick, can't-walk-right fucking." "Well, you know me." "I got so much to say about love." "And one year, this Wall Street guy flew me in a helicopter to D.C." "For serious?" "Valentine's Day makes guys go crazy." "They love it." "Men hate Valentine's Day." "They don't act like they hate it." "That's because you look like Sofía Vergara." "Them things is real." "I once saw her jogging in Tribeca." "Ian hasn't visited in so long." "It'd be nice if he showed up tomorrow." "But he's only got a Vespa and it's too cold to ride this far." "One year, Yadriel got me flowers." "He stole them from his cousin's funeral." " It was so sweet." " Please." "Valentine's Day was invented to make people feel like shit if they're not part of some perfect couple." "True." "Diablo says there are no perfect couples, but each couple is perfect in its own way." "It must be hard." "Being locked up on Valentine's Day." "That's all." "Aw." "Thank you, Fischer." "That was really empathetic of you." " You want a cookie?" " Oh, sure." "Thank you." "[Laughing]" "[Radio chatter]" "[Laughing]" " You need some water, Fischer?" " No." "I'm fine." "I knew she didn't swallow." "Hi." "Where'd you make reservations for tomorrow night?" "Wait, what?" "Shh." "I'm trying to pretend like we're a normal couple." "Oh." "Um, well, I got us a table for two at Lorenzo's." "The one by the fireplace." "I can't wait for you to see my dress." "It's sexy, but not slutty, you know?" "I can't wait to see it." "Mamita, can you get me another bag of flour?" "Here." " What's this?" " It's a list." "Wanna keep the mother-in-law happy, right?" "I figured I might as well make use of sleepy hollow before the other shoe drops." "Get it?" "So this is what Vee negotiated for us?" "Using these broke-ass showers?" " Man, that's some broke-ass negotiation." " You think?" "You do know that long showers are bad for you." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Mess with your keratinocytes and whatnots." "Hey, Suzanne?" "Shut the fuck up." "Yeah, why the hell would I leave the library?" "It's the best job here." "Because books do not pay the rent." "Books do not bourguignon the beef." "We are starting something." "I don't wanna join custodial." " And yet I am still asking you." " No way." "No." " Oh, come on." "Come on!" " Shut up!" "You know what?" "Do you know how easy it would've been for me to say no when you came to me and said," ""Vee, get me out of this group home"?" ""Save me from this sick fuck-faced foster father I got!" Huh?" " That's not fair." " Fair?" "Girl, please." "Fair's where you go get you some cotton candy." "Where you ride the tilt-a-whirl." "[Woman] I'm looking for Jack." "He's not here." "He buys me chocolates every year." "We're on a fixed income, of course." "But he's gotta treat his duckie right, he says." "And if he can't find me, they'll be wasted." "Fuck." "Kill me in my sleep if I ever get like that." "Look." "You're gonna think about it, right?" "And then you gonna do as I say." "Ah!" "It's just chilling, you know?" "Kicking it with somebody, talking, making mad stupid jokes." "And, like, not even wanting to go to sleep, 'cause then you might be without 'em for a minute." "And you don't want that." "[Speaking German] One, two, three, go!" "And..." "And done!" "Who's next?" "Who's next?" "Whoo!" "[Speaking German] You can't beat me." "I am untouchable." "I think you are very touchable." "[Speaking English] Get a room." "German, fool." "Talk it." "Zing?" "Zinger?" "Das Zimmer." "You're part of a community." "Respect its language." "My father's part of a community." "I'm the unfortunate appendage he drags about wherever your fight against terror takes him." "[Speaking German] He's just talkin' smack." "[Speaking English] How many times have you had to move in your short little life?" "Too many." "But this is the end of the road." "My pops promised." "How do you say," ""I'd like to watch as you two make sweet, sweet lady love," in German?" "Nein, motherfucker." "Nein." "This job is bullshit." "[With British accent] No. 'Tis a rewarding puzzle." "Ain't no puzzle." "Makes electrical look good." "Can't believe I let that old bitch talk me into this." "I wouldn't speak ill of Miss Parker's methods." "She wouldn't tolerate such words." "[In normal voice] Hey, now, Watson got the right to express her discomfort for her new job." "[In British accent] Just because cleaning quiets your discombobulation doesn't mean it does so for everyone." "[Laughs]" "[In normal voice] Point well made, moppet." "Point well made." "[Laughs]" "You such a dumb-ass." "Hey, Watson, you look a little tired." "Maybe I could come by later and massage your quads?" "[Chuckles sarcastically] Get the fuck out of here." "You know, whatever y'all got going on in here." "You know, taking over custodial." "I want a piece." "I use it to cover my eyes." "That way, you know, I won't see anything." "Tomorrow night, I'm going to put the "V" in your Valentine." "That's right." "Fuck me." "Hey, Warren, who gonna be your Valentine this year?" "You always batting' them freaky blacks at somebody." "Oh, no." "No, this year I'm loving someone who deserves me." "Me." "[In British accent] Loser." "[In normal voice] Shut up!" "Whatever." "Depressing-ass time of year, you ask me." "Motherfucker!" "Shit." "You pissed your pants?" "[Both laughing]" "I'm gonna go find you a diaper." "[Woman on PA] Your attention, please." "Visiting hours are now open." "All prisoners are free to go to the visiting room." "Tomorrow's Florence Henderson's birthday!" "What?" "Valentine's day." "Florence Henderson's birthday!" "We should be having our annual naked Brady-thon celebration and I should be doing some kind of a striptease to sunshine day." "And then maybe something... maybe something with Wesson oil, that..." "Piper." "Hi." "Hi." "[Sighs] Hi." "Hmm." "I heard about your grandma." "Larry..." "I want my home." "When I get out of here," "I wanna come home." "That's quite the statement." "You sure about that?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "Well, I'm not asking you." "I'm asking future Piper." "Free Piper." "Can you guarantee that you still will?" "Future Piper hopes so." "Present Larry can't live on hope." "Wasabi peas and peanut butter pretzels, apparently, but not hope." "Please don't mention those things unless you're hiding some up your butt for me." "Piper, this reporter from City Post, Andrew Nance." "He, um..." "He asked me about financial irregularities here." "Uh... vendors that don't exist, buildings that were never built." "And I was like, "fuck that." ""Why should he write it?" "I'll write it."" "Write what?" "An article." "With you investigating from the inside." "Freedom of the press shouldn't only be a privilege of the free, right?" " What do you say?" " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, Larry." "Jesus Christ!" " What..." " You're doing it again!" "What are you talking about?" "We'll fucking expose this place, Piper." "You're the moon, Larry." "You have got to stop being the moon!" "What's wrong with being the moon?" "It doesn't have its own light." "So, right." "So, what?" "That makes you the sun?" "Are you the sun, Piper?" "Huh?" "You're the center of the solar system and I'm just a dead hunk of crap rock!" "How am I supposed to become my own planet, Piper, when your shit is still everywhere?" "Huh?" "You get to move on." "You get to fuck Alex or whoever's next, and I'm stuck." "I'm stuck with your sweaters and your shoes and your goddamn Sephora fucking outlet store worth of products!" "You are everywhere." "It's like living inside a sarcophagus." "Well, take my stuff to Polly's if it's so in your way." "[Scoffs]" "And you mean "mausoleum," not "sarcophagus."" "Don't tell me what I mean!" "[Guard clears throat]" "[Sighs]" "At least people can walk on the moon." "Anyone gets near the sun, they burn right up." "Vee says she's too old." "Don't believe it for a second!" "What that woman did to me... people don't change." "Hurry it up, will you?" "I'm trying, ma." "The sparks are burning my cheeks!" "Then turn your head!" "Where's your brother?" "He got claustrophobic." "He's in the woods, guarding the entrance." "I'm just so sad, mamochka." "I'm sorry she left you, Vastly, but I'm sure you did something to deserve it." "I used to watch her sleep and pray for the strength to stop ruining everything, ma." "And how did that work out for you?" "No work today." "Come back tomorrow." "Jack said he would be out here." "I saw him get into a taxi." "A taxi?" "Out here?" "Imagine that." "Thank you, young lady." "Hurry it up, will you?" "Mama!" "You and your disgusting whining!" "If you want your woman back, go get her." "Now hand up the shit." "Come on!" " When you get out of here..." " Mm-hmm." "Who do you imagine yourself going home to?" "Fiona Apple in the criminal video." "Ah." "Stupid question." "What about you?" "I always thought it would be Larry, but I think it's time to re-imagine." "This stupid fucking holiday." "Listen, if you want, I can help you forget what day it is." "You know, or your name, for that matter." "You know, no." "I am not interested in being a prize, albeit a shockingly-undervalued one, in your little sex game." "Fine." "I lost my manipulative, gorgeous, psychopath ex and my sweet, kind, unfocused fiancé." "I don't have a home anymore." "Yeah, Chapman, you do." "[Piper yelps]" "This shit pile. [Laughs]" "Home sweet home." "Look, I gotta say, your unfocused fiancé is on the right track with this article shit." "I mean, this is like my 20th time trying to fix a short in this panel alone." "Nobody's spending money here." "Hey." "Gallego said you were looking for me?" "Joe, these phone calls." "They're amazing!" "Listen." "[Woman 1] I said to keep an eye on him, not fuck him!" "[Woman 2] It was only in the ass." "That don't count." "[Woman 1] I'm telling mom." "Whoa." "I know!" "Anyway." "It's so interesting." "All these lives." "It's like reading Dickens!" "It's good." "Showing initiative." "Maybe it'll help get fig off my ass." "You know she asked me to impose a shot quota?" "This is ridiculous." "I love that you stand up to her." "So, how are things going with... what's his name?" "They're not going." "He wore a lot of vests." "Ah." "Well, that happens." "You know, I play in this band..." "You're in a band?" "Wow!" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "It's no big deal." "We play in town tomorrow night." "You wanna come?" "Oh, I'm working the Valentine's party." "[Whispers] I'll get you off." "[Stammering] I'll get you off the schedule." "I can get your shift covered." "It's fine." "Well, I do love music!" "That'd be awesome." " Thanks." " Great." " I'll see you there then!" " Okay." "I had this thing with my boss at Long John Silver's." "And then I found out his wife was wicked hot." "So that was nice." ""'How do you know I'm mad?" "' Said Alice." ""'You must be, ' said the cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'"" "Mmm." "Shit." "You right." "Lewis Carroll must have gone to prison." "RJ's mom was named Alice." "Oh, yeah?" "She fall down a rabbit hole?" " No." "A crack hole." " Ah." "She found a little rock." "Said "smoke me," on it." "That's not funny." "That shit was serious." ""Smoke me." You a dumb-ass." "Jefferson." "Say goodbye." "You're on custodial now." "Already?" " Wait." "You leaving?" " [Sighs] Yeah." "Remember, I told you Vee was getting something together?" "But why would you leave the library, man?" "You know you love it here." "You don't understand." "I owe her." "She could probably get you transferred, I bet." "Nah." "No, I know when I got it good." "Okay." "Well, I'll see you at dinner." "[Sighs]" "[Speaking German] Anything?" "Higher maybe." "Wait." "Leg cramp." "[Speaking English] Sorry." "Okay." "[Speaking German] That's nice." " Yeah?" "Yeah?" " Yeah." "No." "It's gone." "I told you scissoring wasn't a thing." "[Both laugh]" "[Both laughing]" "There's a saying about love." "There's a million sayings about love." "I'm thinking of the one that says," ""Love is not about staring at each other, but staring off in the same direction."" "I don't like that one." "I love staring at you too much." "I'm thirsty." "[Both chuckling]" "Lemme get that." "Oh, yeah." "[Moans]" "More." "[Door opens]" "[Speaking English] What the fuck?" "[Rattling]" "[Sighs]" "[Rattling continues]" "[Keys jingling]" "[Metal detector beeping]" " Just this." " It's on the list." " It's fucking vapor!" " Give me a break, Eliqua." "Caputo's up my ass today." "Put it in your car." "Next." "[Coughing]" "Pat-downs are mandatory now." "I'm just kidding." "I don't wanna touch that peg-leg shit." "Happy Valentine's Day." "Next." "Look at this shit." "You're lucky you're pretty." "You know that, right?" "What does that one say?" ""Ian." In case he shows up today." "Stupid." "[Flaca] Shit." "I'm so glad we're family." " Happy Valentine's Day." " Thanks." "[Breathes deeply]" "Are you cooking up something special for me today?" "The house smells great." "That's what you're gonna expect me to do?" "Cook for you?" "Be your little housewife?" "It's not happening." "No." "I thought we were playing the..." "I don't care if you cook." "Sorry." "I've just been depressed today." "I don't want to play the normal game anymore 'cause I don't know how we ever are gonna be normal." "[Brook] Well, just so you know." "Counselors can be a great resource if you feel like you need to talk or cry or something." " Who'd you get?" " Healy." "Oh." " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "I just get the sense that none of the girls really like him." "But you're tough, you'll be fine." "Have you noticed we've been blowing a lot of fuses around here lately?" "You're just noticing this place is falling apart?" "Doesn't the prison have a budget for infrastructure?" "Sure." "And what happened to the electrical budget from last quarter?" "It went to "upgrading the A block grid and loading dock panel."" "Really?" "We did that?" "That's what the budget report says." " So we did it?" " Okay." " So it happened?" " Why not?" "I don't understand." "Trust me." "You don't want to." "Congratulations." "Hour's up." "You just earned another 11 cents." "All right, everybody." "Dolphin pose." "You know, I think I can help you with the dolphin pose." "The trick is to make sure that your pelvic basin is just right..." "Get away from me." "No way!" "Thanks, Red." "[Gasps] Red!" "Bless you!" "[Jones] Now, let's return to dolphin pose." "Kukicha tea." "Well, look who's back." "Sorry to interrupt, girls." "Continue with your dolphins." "Fuck, just bagged a four-pointer." "[Scoffs] We're almost tied." "Listen up." "This angry nonsense has to stop." "We're going to need each other soon." "All of us." "I'm not kidding, Nicky." "We have to stick together." "We're stronger together." "So you try to buy their love back?" "Yeah." "Thanks, Red." "[Stammering] Why are you asking me that?" "You shouldn't be talking to me." "So... you shouldn't be..." " Fourteen foot powders." " Check." " Twenty Effergrips." " Check that." "Remember when we sold smokes?" "God, I swear I'm gonna vote libertarian." "I gotta run to my car." "I'll be right back." "Mind if I step out for a moment?" "I don't give a shit." "[Man speaking indistinctly on PA]" "Let me guess." ""Yo, Vee, I'm just so mad since y'all got taystee transferred to custodial." ""Just left me in the library with my titties in my hand."" "Close?" "No, you left out, "if you get her in trouble, I'll kill you."" " Really?" " Bet." " And how would you kill me?" " I'll figure it out." "I know she thinks she owes you, but from what I heard, you're just a bully who uses lost kids for her own shit and then dumps 'em soon as the heat comes down." "You're a fucking vampire." "There was this kid growing up." "Name was Haro Jones." "He had these arms." "I just wanted to..." "[Inhales sharply]" "Lick the length of his arms." "And then one day I walked into the park." "Found his hand up Jamela Larkin's skirt." "Broke my poor fool heart." "Look, lady, I don't give a fuck about your little stories and shit..." "Taystee..." "Will..." "Never..." "Love..." "You." "She will never love you." "Not the way you want." "[Laughing]" "Yo, I don't want her like that." "I'm just looking out for her." "That's all." "[Knocking on door]" "[Door opening]" "Yo, pops, some fucking Chinese soldiers was just smoking right outside my window." "I'm so sorry." "What?" "Where's mom?" "She's fine." "We're being transferred back to the States." "I don't know why, but we are." "What?" "Sorry." "I let you both down, P." "I don't know what to say." "[Door closes]" "[Sobbing]" "All right." "Jesus!" "What the..." "You're out of bounds, Chapman." "Well, I won't tell if you don't." "[Radio chatter]" "Treating us like we're prisoners." "Hey, you know, I heard that there were plans to build a gym here." "Do you know whatever happened to that?" "What always happens." "I'll take it from here." "Just looking for a faulty wire." "Why are you asking Maxwell about a gym?" "From what I hear, you're full of questions lately." "You know that I have always been interested in the health and safety of others." "I'm trying to help you with your nana." "So again, why are you asking all these questions?" ""Freedom of the press shouldn't only be a privilege of the free."" "What the fuck does that mean?" "What does the press have anything to do with this?" "I'm starting a prison newsletter." " A newsletter?" " A newsletter." "A newsletter... written by the prisoners... with articles and Op-Ed pieces." "That is why I've been trying to get out of my bubble and get to know this place." "We... this is our home." "We should all be communicating more." "Inmates, guards, administration." "This could really, really help us get to know each other and this place better." "Pending your approval, of course," "Mr. Editor-In-Chief." "Don't oversell it." " A newsletter?" " Mmm." "Okay." "I'm not saying yes." "Show me some sample stories by tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "Sure." "Okay." "Yeah." "The girls used to like me." "They will again." "Hey, hey, hey." "How my girls doing?" "Ooh." "Why you got your famous pouty face on?" "I don't understand what you doing." "Yeah?" "And how many times have you not understood my methods only to have everything be made clear?" "Yeah, like when the cops were after RJ?" "God damn!" "You done gone for the nuclear option early." "[Taystee] Why don't you ever wanna talk about RJ?" "Because it's in the past, girl." "I live in the now." "So should you." "All damn day I've been scrubbing toilets, defending you." "And I don't even believe in you anymore!" " Taystee." " No!" "You don't have a plan." "You just wanna prove that you can order me around." "But no, not anymore." " Open the box." " What?" "Open the box." "Man, I told you." "I'm done cleaning." "What are you doing?" "What?" "Tobacco?" "But where's the cleanser?" "[Woman speaking indistinctly on PA]" "__" "Okay, it's like getting into a bath, but the water is like warm chocolate pudding." "And the smiths are playing there is a light that never goes out." "Oh." "There's warm lighting all over and there're like five dudes massaging you." "[Chuckles]" "And you have a pizza." "She's right." "And you also have a pizza." "[Slow music playing]" "Hey, I got some hooch from that Greek chick with the beard." " That's pretty good!" " Yeah?" "Fischer's out today." "Apparently having her woman time." "Oh." "Where's Joe?" "He's out, too." "Yeah." "Let 'em have their stupid little party and then don't put enough muscle on." "So typical." "Bronikowski, leave room for Jesus." "I will shut this thing down in a heartbeat." "You know what's funny?" "I'm in a women's prison, but I don't understand women at all." "I'll tell you something about women, Bennett." "With women, you make 'em think you're meeting them halfway, when really what you're doing is you're meeting them about 10% to 15% of the way." "Women are really bad at math." "Don't forget that." "I won't, sir." " Did Jack call yet?" " Who?" "Listen, Daya." "I know we can't be normal, but..." "Shh." "Take me somewhere." "Now." "Wow." "They're bigger!" "[Both laughing]" "Let's go." "What is this?" "[Laughs] Yo!" "Close your eyes." " What?" "Why?" " Close 'em." "Open your lips." "Less." " T..." " Do it." "What?" "What's this?" "A cigarette?" "[Laughing]" "We in business, P!" "Vee's got a whole sales plan." "We getting paid!" "I told you." "Next-level Mr. Miyagi shit, son!" "[Making martial arts noises]" "[Speaking German] Tell your father to fight!" "Won't help." "Your father wants us gone, we're gone." "Then I'm coming with you." "Don't think Jersey's for you." "I love you, Poussey." "Look." "You're fun to fuck, but that's it." "You're the love of my life." "You have killer tits." "I'll remember those." "Yesterday you loved me!" "How can you just shut down like that?" "I've had a lot of practice." "[Sobs]" "Well, that was unexpected." "Sorry." "I was in a mood before." "[Sighs]" " You're the sweetest man." " [Chuckles]" "Here." "[Bennett] Look at the dog!" "[Laughs]" "This is so great." "So was this." "Mmm." "This." "Sneaky, sneaky man." "See?" "We can be a normal couple." "Except you misspelled "Valentine's."" "[Chuckles]" "No, I didn't." "Mendez did." "[Sighs]" "[Doo-wop music playing]" "Hi." "I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions for a newsletter we're starting." "A newsletter?" "Okay, good luck." "So, since it's Valentine's Day, what is love to you?" "How would you define love?" "That's a retarded fucking question." "Okay." "Um..." "How about this?" "When was the last time you saw any major plumbing work being done around here?" "Hmm." " '04 to '05, maybe?" " '04 to '05." "This fatso named Donna Cusio broke three toilets in one week." "[Both laughing]" "It was a mess, man." "I bet." "Big, big woman." "[Woman speaking indistinctly on PA]" "[Ringing]" "[Speaking Russian] This is Katya." "Leave a message." "[Beeps]" "[Speaking Russian] Hi, honey." "It's me." "[Speaking English] I just wanted to call and wish you a happy Valentine's Day." "[Speaking Russian] Would you like... to dance... with me?" "[Buzzer sounding]" "[Speaking English] I learned that for you." "I'm a good man, Katya." "You'll see that." "I'm gonna make you really proud to be married to this big galoot." " I swear to..." " [Answering machine beeps]" "[Dial tone]" "[Country music playing]" "[Sophia] What the fuck you mean there's no Ferris?" "No, okay." "Hear me out." "Ferris is just a projection of Cameron's inability to stand up to his domineering father." "But here's the mind-fuck." "Cameron never actually leaves his room!" "Remember, he's sick." "He invents this idealized self, Ferris." "Plus his, like, 30-year-old girlfriend." "And then imagines this epic adventure with car chases, parades, ball games, blah, blah, blah." "So this day off is actually just the day off from his rigid coherence to mind-body alignment..." "Would you please shut the fuck up?" "Sorry." "It's just a theory I read." "Next time, just sit on her face." "It shuts her right up." "I'll keep that in mind." "Why are you ignoring me?" "Why are you ignoring me?" "Spit it out!" "Come on!" "Look, you've been lording over this group like some Hillary Clinton dictator." " What?" " And we wanna be a democracy." "Are you calling me Hillary Clinton?" "If the pantsuit fits." "Look, we're done with you." "Right?" "Y'all are done with me?" "[Laughs]" "That's really funny." "That's really funny, Leanne." "'Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton, then y'all must be some sister-wife, tweaker, slurpee-drinking, fourth-grade reading level, daddy-on-cops, trailer trash nothing!" "And you know what?" "It's okay 'cause you ain't never even challenged me anyway." "Actually, you know what?" "None of you did." "Not one." "You keep playing tennis with someone worse than you and you ain't never gonna get better." "So thank you." " You play tennis?" " It's a metaphor, you potato with eyes!" "You know what?" "Pardon my French, but you can eat my shit." "Whore." "Whore." "Whore." "[Chuckling] Man, that was awkward." " Angie?" " Yeah?" "Go get me some punch." "Fine." "[RB music playing]" "Great party." "Listen, we are so happy that you and Daya are having such fun, special, secret times together." "And we really admire you providing for her so well." "You know, despite the circumstances." "And we just wanted to let you know that we support you 500% with our continued silence." "Considering as such, in your next round of leg-based contraband, we had a couple requests that could make our aforementioned silence a little bit more comfortable." "I mean, I, personally, request an iPod Shuffle." "You know, loaded with alt and post-punk, depeche mode, erasure..." "And I need yoo-hoo and act fluoride rinse for my teeth." "A cell phone." "With a camera." "Thank you." "Happy Valentine's Day." " Thanks." " Okay." "You know, that's a fucking low blow, even for a filthy sewer rat like you, Nichols." "Really." "You told people I have crabs." "[Snickers] You just found out about that?" "It is cheating!" "Come on." "A-rod doesn't cry when he gets plunked in Beantown." "He sucks it up and tries to steal second." "I've been trying to both suck and steal second, but I can't because everybody thinks I have cooties!" "Speaking of a set, how many you got?" "Thirty-six." "After I gave Pirkle the double shocker in the showers just now." "Really?" "You Pirkled?" "Oh, I Pirkled and then I Pirkled again." " And?" " It was gnarly." "It's macroclit." " It was like blowing a toddler." " Oh, my God!" " It was so uncomfortable. [Groans]" " That's fucking hilarious." "Oh, God!" "So 36." "We're tied." " Yep." " Yeah." " Hey, do you wanna just stop?" " Have you considered maybe we just stop?" " Because I could do that." " I don't have to but if you want to." " 'Cause we both fucked..." " Lots." "Remind me why we did this to ourselves in the first place." "Because I am insanely competitive." "And I need to feed my addictive tendencies at all times." "Cookie-eating contest?" "Son, have you ever actually seen me?" " You are going down." " Get out..." "[Albert] Thanks, guys." "That was for Cora." "We're gonna miss your laugh, corndog." "And we're gonna take five." "Hey!" "You made it!" "We're just going on break." "Wow." "You look so different." "Well, you know." "I like to keep things profesh at work." "I saved you a stool with a view." "Actually, we're gonna need a table." " I didn't know you were coming." " You heard me say it sounded fun." "I hope you don't mind I told some of the guys about your show." "I almost didn't make it." "Get this, the sellers are now refusing to drop the replacement contingency!" "Would you shut up about real estate?" "I asked you to move in with me and you said no." "So you have no talking rights here." "This is nice." "Like a double date!" " We're not together." " We're not together." "Actually we're gonna need another chair." "Why?" "[Laughing]" "You look like the gay Edge." "[Continues laughing]" "Hey!" "It's like you become more you." "Which normally is like..." "But now it's okay..." "Because the person, like, whoever, they chose to take all that on." "All that weird stuff." "Whatever's wrong or bad or hiding in you." "Suddenly it's all right." "You don't feel like such a freak anymore." "Larry!" "Would the moon do this?" "I won!" "[Laughs]" "Larry!" "Good to see you, mate." "Whew." "Sorry about the stink." "I killed a caribou!" "Less gamey marinated in pineapple juice." "Also, makes your spunk taste good." "So you're in luck, babe!" "What's that?" "Oh." "It's, uh..." "It's Piper's stuff." "Aw." "Brother." "Come on, we were just heading out for some ramen." "You know, we have a babysitter!" "I'll leave these with the doorman." "No, Pete." "Really, I should..." "I..." "It's Valentine's Day, asshole!" "Come join us." "[Rock music playing]" "I found this in your trash." "And this is..." "The guy you always talking about?" "Yeah, I know something about loving people who aren't smart enough to wanna be loved back." "But I learned a secret that I can tell you." "They don't deserve it." "He's ruined this day for me forever." "Nobody knows that we're not together." "Yeah, but you do." "[Sobs]" "[Sighs]" "[Both laughing]" " I do." "I do know." " Yeah." "You know what is crazy?" "I still wanna believe in all of this stuff." "Even after everything that's happened." " Isn't that sad?" " Oh, no." "I think that's brave." "Thank you." "[Laughs]" "[Sniffs]" "Seriously." "Do you think I should get fake tits?" "[Both giggling]" "Yeah." "Probably." "[Sighs] Asshole." " You know what gets me?" " [Sighs]" "We're wasting the best years of our lives in here." "Like, our tits are never gonna look better." "Our asses are never gonna look better." "You know, no one's touching my ass." "No one's kissing my lips." "Shit." "I'll kiss your dumb lips." "[Both laugh]" "Do it again." "[Both laugh]" " No!" " No!" "No." "No." "Come here." "[Sobs]" "It's okay." "[Hip-hop music playing]" "Yo, P. Come and show these fools how to cabbage patch for real." "Nah." "I'm good." "Man, don't act like everything fine." "Like this..." "Yo." "I don't interrupt you when you going to town on a bunch of spaghetti." "Damn!" "Yo, why don't you head on back to old Erykah Badu over there?" "[Laughing]" "I'm gonna forget you said that." "I don't give a fuck what you forget or remember!" "Oh, shit." "Great!" "Thanks a lot, man." "[Speaking German] You should leave." "Poussey!" "This is between me and your father." "Hey!" " Hey!" " Well?" " [Speaking English] We're not leaving." " Talk to the Americans." "Fuck you." "Fuck you, man." "This is your doing." "You!" "Been drinking, little girl?" "[Speaking German] Poussey, please." "[Speaking English] You don't get to decide what happens to my life!" "Not you!" "I love her." "And that is why you're going home." "I'm done." "I'm not going anywhere." "[Sobbing]" "Pardon us, oberstleutnant." "Enjoy your ice cream." "You know, there are programs that can change your daughter's confused predilections." "Thanks, but she's fine." "[Singing rock song]" "My lady." "Fun party." "A party with no men, booze, real food or drugs." "Good thing we're too old for any trouble." "Right." "How's the gardening going?" "Once the thaw comes, we'll really get going." "Well, I'd ask you to join, but you clearly have your own hobbies." "We gotta have people." "You know this will not end well." "[Laughing]" "You're retarded." "[Nicky] What about you, Chapman?" "It's like coming home after a long trip." "That's what love is like." "It's like coming home." "Thanks for asking."