"Good evening, culture vultures... and welcome to another installment of Mash-to-Pieces Theater." "Tonight we ask the question:" ""To be, or not to be"" "Or in this case, an actor stuck with an average face... who's so sick and tired of auditioning... he's willing to do almost anything." "Did I say "almost"?" "I call this sickening saga Top Billing." "Does he still have a drug problem?" "Just tell me, Celia, does he?" "I was told he's finished with rehab, and now I hear that he's not." "Get back to me when you know what's going on with him, okay?" "What?" "Yeah, sure I dated him but it was years ago... a whole fucking lifetime before all this drug stuff." "Yeah, he was okay in bed." "I mean, he wasn't great, but then again, who is?" "All right, I've got to run, honey." "So you'll get back to me?" "All right." "I tell you, such schmucks." "Such schmucks!" "Jenny, did Leon ever call?" "Jenny?" "Leon, what are you doing?" "Where's Jenny?" "Jenny's dead." "And you're next, bitch!" "No, don't, Leon." "Don't!" "The silent scream is the loudest." "That's great." "Thanks for coming in." "That's it?" "Yeah, you're terrific, but you're not quite what I'm looking for." "Well, what do you need?" "I'm an actor." " I need someone heavier." " I can wear padding." "I don't mean heavier." "I mean bigger." "You don't understand." "I need this job." "I know you do, but you're wrong for the part." "I need a killer." "Okay, how's this?" "I don't have any money, I haven't eaten in a week... and I need this fucking job!" "Great, it's great." "But I need someone physically larger with a tan!" "Jenny's dead." "And you're next, bitch!" "Fuck!" "Barry?" "Barry Blye." " Yeah, hi, Winton, how you doing?" " I'm fine." "How the hell are you?" "How's Lisa?" "She's still the best thing that ever happened to me." " Remember that rat-hole we all lived in?" " Yeah, I sure do." "We still live there." "Well, it's nice chatting with you." "I'll see you later." "I gotta go." "Come on, Barry." "You can't still be angry with me because I work for a living." "Sure I can." "Let me ask you something, Winton." "On your resume, does it still say "actor"?" "God, you crack me up, you know that?" "Haven't you got it yet?" "This business doesn't have anything to do with acting." "Just get away from me, all right?" "When are you gonna learn an actor is one who acts..." " not one who collects unemployment?" " Just get away." "If you spent a little less money on classes and more on some decent clothes... and maybe, maybe, some blue contact lenses... you might work for a change." "Yeah?" "Well, I've seen your work, Winton." "Let me tell you, I really loved that commercial you did... you know, that little tango you did on top of a disposable douche." "Sure." "I do commercials." "I got $50,000 last year for one spot alone." "I don't "do," okay?" "I act." "This is Hamlet." "It's about acting." ""Avenue D, at Canal"?" "What the hell kind of theater would be down there?" "All right, I gotta go." "Barry, you're 35 years old." "How much longer are you gonna do free theater that no one wants to see?" "Hamlet doesn't need an audience." "It's a classic." "Maybe so, but Lisa deserves better, Barry." "Barry!" "Mel can do Shakespeare." "But Mel has the look." "Incredible." "Jesus Christ." "I am a hell of an actor!" "I'm a lot more talented than a lot of those assholes out there making it." "Guys like Winton Robbins." "No, Winton Robbins has a face." " He has the look!" " And I have talent!" "Well, yes, talent's nice, too." "But you haven't got the look." "You could have the look." "I introduced you to that plastic surgeon." "I'm not a prostitute." "I'm not gonna alter my face." "Look, you're an agent." "You just do your job." "You just call these people up and you get me this part, all right?" "Look, Barry, I've been in the business a long time." "I've seen them come, and I've seen them go." "And, Barry, I think it's time for you to go." "So, you're just letting me go, just like that." "Well, hey, dreams are great." "But I've got expenses." "So I think it's time you find some representation... more suitable to your needs." "Fine." "I'll get the part myself, and I'll be brilliant." "You know what?" "I'm gonna take my rave reviews and my $250 a week... and shove them down your fucking throat!" "Use the goddamn freight elevator, asshole." "I just climbed five flights." "I'm talking to you!" "That's my stereo." "That's my apartment." "What the hell do you think you're doing?" " Barry!" " Lisa, what's going on here?" "I'm just taking what's mine... and enough of your stuff to make up for what you owe me." " What are you talking about?" " I..." "You're a loser." "I promised Mr. Kroger a few things... and he agreed not to have you thrown in jail for vagrancy." "It's over, Barry." "I'm moving in with Bruno." " Bruno?" " We met in class." "Barry, Bruno." "Bruno, Barry." "Lisa, I love you." "Yeah." "Look, we've gotta go." "I left some chicken in the fridge for you." "Chicken?" "We could still be friends." "Excuse me." "You're a loser." "Spare change?" "You gotta be kidding." "Excuse me, is this the theater..." " What the hell are you doing here?" " I'm here to audition." "What are you doing here?" "This audition is for Hamlet." "I came down to make a point to you." "I bet you stayed up all night reading the play." "You're damn right, I did." "You don't walk into a Hamlet audition cold, you idiot." "It's poetry, for Christ's sake." "The part requires an actor, Winton, not a face." "Fine." "And had this been a theater, I bet you I would've gotten the part." "I'll see you around, Barry." " Is this Hamlet?" " No, it's Shangri-la." "Don't you recognize it?" "And I'm the Dalai Lama." "Let me guess, you're here to audition?" "Yes." "Yes, I am." "Well, don't just stand around." "Actors!" "Ouch." ""Alas!" "poor Yorick." ""I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest..." ""excellent and fancy: he hath-"" "No!" "It's wrong, it's all wrong!" "Hamlet is holding in his hands the skull of Yorick." "He sees what 20 years of rotting in the ground... have done to his friend." "That is why he is so upset." " Who?" "Yorick?" " No, you dunce!" "Hamlet." "Hamlet." "You pick up the skull... you look at it, you talk to it." "You even kiss it." "Here, kiss it." "Kiss it." " But it's plastic." " You won't kiss plastic, will you?" "Get off of my stage!" "Do you hear me?" "Plastic." "Beaks!" "They've lost another one." "Where?" "Where are my props?" "Yes, your bloatedness." "Searching." "What are you doing?" "You're an actor." "I command you to act!" "I don't have any lines." "That's no excuse." "Living is acting." "Being is acting." "This is the gravedigger scene." "You're a gravedigger." "Dig, or I'll ram this shovel down your putrid little throat!" "Dig!" "Jesus." "That is one tough director." "He's demanding." "I respect that." "Excuse me." "I'm here to audition for the role of Hamlet." "What?" "Who broke my concentration?" "Everyone... out of my sight!" "You two, come to my office." "Do you know who I am?" "I am Nelson Halliwell, director of stage and screen." "And it's a pleasure to meet you, sir." "I'm Barry Blye." "I'm here to audition for Hamlet." "And well, as you can see, I'm highly, highly qualified for the part." "I have extensive qualifications, I've done the part in several workshops... and I know the entire role by heart." "Do you?" "And do you know that we are planning... the most stirring production of Hamlet ever?" "I want to bring to the stage a Hamlet... that will look, and feel, and be so real... that the people will stumble from their seats... tumble from the theater, their minds reeling... and retch their guts upon the curb!" "Yuck." "It's all yours, Barry." "Break a leg." "Break both." " You!" " Yes?" "High cheekbones, fair skin, slightly frosted hair." " You must be Danish." " Actually, I'm Polish." "Perfect, I knew it!" "The part is yours." " What?" " What?" "I said, young man, the part is yours!" " I thought you were leaving." " Not anymore." "I'm Hamlet!" "But you didn't even read him." "You don't even know if he can read." "Halliwell has chosen!" "Young man, there's a dressing room for you down the hall." "But this is Hamlet." "How can you cast this asshole?" "He has the look." "What did I tell you, Barry?" "You don't know anything about this play." "I know one thing, I've got the part." "Son of a bitch!" "Everyone, center stage, everyone." "Quickly." "Gather around, gather together, meet our new actor." "Beaks, see that he's outfitted properly... shown his dressing room, and welcomed to the group." "Quickly, everyone!" "No time to waste." "Only five minutes, everybody." "That's it, leave." "I must be alone now." "Quickly, out." ""From this time forth, My thoughts be bloody..." ""or be nothing worth! "" ""Thus conscience does make cowards of us all"" "Came to congratulate me, did you?" "Well, I hope you learned something today, Barry." "You're overdue, you know." "I mean, this isn't about art." "It's about commerce." "It's about people standing in line and buying tickets." "It's about product." "If you invested half as much energy into the business side of things... as you do in maintaining that stupid struggling-artiste crap..." "What the hell?" "Are you out of your fucking mind?" ""How now!" "a rat?" "Dead, for a ducat! "" "That's Hamlet." "Act 3, Scene 4." "Hamlet." "I'm not Hamlet." "You can say that again." "That's how I'd like it done!" "Props." "Where's the prop for the gravedigger scene?" "I'm working on it." "They don't grow on trees." " Mr. Halliwell." " Yes, what do you want?" "Don't you see you're interrupting rehearsal?" "Where's your friend?" "He should be on this stage this instant." "I'm afraid he left, Mr. Halliwell." "Left a Halliwell production?" "The worst case of stage fright I've ever seen." "He was totally blue." "What are we going to do?" "Well, I'd like to suggest myself for the part, sir." "No, you're all wrong!" "You don't have the look!" "I'm an actor, Mr. Halliwell." "I can give you what you want." "No." "Yes, if I change my interpretation slightly." "Well, then, the part is yours." "Beaks!" "You mean it?" "I'm cast?" "Yes." "Show our new member to his dressing room, Beaks." "You won't regret it, Mr. Halliwell." "We open." ""Speak the speech, I pray you..." ""as I pronounced it to you..." ""trippingly on the tongue" ""but if you mouth it, as many of your players are wont to..." ""I had as lief the towncrier spoke my lines. "" " Ready for the final run-through?" " What?" "Final run-through?" "I haven't had a rehearsal yet." "You won't need much rehearsing." "Hamlet is a complicated role." "I can't do it without rehearsal." "Who said you were playing Hamlet?" "I'm playing Hamlet." "Didn't you see me out there before, holding up a plastic skull?" ""Alas!" "poor Yorick." ""I knew him, Horatio. "" "Beaks, did you tag the costumes as I instructed?" "Yes, your vastness." "Wait." "I spy..." "Well, if I'm not playing Hamlet, what role am I playing?" "Yorick's been dead 23 years before the play starts." "We've had a hell of a time casting the part." "Someone keeps stealing the skull." "That's crazy." "Beaks, help me." "Certainly, sir." "Just slip into this hood." "You're all mad." "Mad?" "You're fucking nuts." "Come, come, Mr. Blye." "Help!" "Shit." "Help!" "Hello?" "Thank goodness." "We've been trying to call you for hours." "Dr. Morrison, are you there?" "Hello?" "I know how you feel." "I really wanted someone with high cheekbones." "What are those voices?" "Dr. Morrison, are you all right?" " Your friend looked much more the part." " Hey, Dr. Morrison... what's going on?" " But don't worry." " What is going on over there?" "It's showtime!" ""Let me see." ""Alas!" "poor Yorick." ""I knew him, Horatio, a friend of infinite jest..." ""of most excellent fancy:"" "I think I was wrong about the young man." "He does have the look after all." ""My gorge rises at it"" "Brady, this is Concord, what is your status?" "I repeat, what is your status?" "We haven't heard any more screams, but that doesn't mean there aren't hostages." "I want you all to be extremely careful in there." " We go in 30 seconds." " All right." "Give me the big bar." "Big bar." "Okay." "One more!" "All right." "Go!" " Move!" " Go!" "Bravo." "Encore." "Well, Barry axed for the part and he got it." "But typical Barry, they still couldn't use his face." "It's just as well." "The critics would have cut him to pieces." "I'm calling my agent." "I've waited all my death to play the part of Yorick." "So until next time, kiddies." "Hello?" "I'd like to speak with my agent." "What do you mean he's in a beating?"