"Oh, there she is." "First day of business school." "I watched "Pretty little liars" to see what college kids wear." "How do I look..." "Pretty, little?" " Liar-y?" " Yep, all those things." "I don't look like a mom who's trying too hard, do I?" "No, no, y-you don't, no." "And the scarf..." "Is it too much?" "It's pink, and I-it's got skulls and crossbones and stuff." "It's great." "I love it." "Good, so I look the part." "Yes." "Now I just have to get through my first class today, which is something called "intermediate media marketing."" "God, I haven't been to school in 20 years." "Skipping the entry-level course, was that a bad idea?" "No!" "No, it wasn't." "You're gonna do great." "And listen, I..." "Look, I don't want you worrying about things around here either, okay?" "Because I took a day off of work so that I could help transition the household, so good." "Oh, and on a day with the "Die hard" marathon on TNT." "Ooh!" "Huh, "Die hard." That sounds fun." "What's that about..." "A guy who's hard to kill?" "Mm-hmm." "Good morning." "Amber, sweetie, how are you feeling?" "Sick." "Ah-choo." "I can't go to school today." "I'm so sorry that I'm starting school while you're going through your first breakup." "Do you want to talk about Reggie?" "No, I'm fine." "Did you hear that?" "!" "Apparently, not the way you did." "What's going on?" "Marty, if you are gonna stay home to transition the household, then you need to help Amber through this." "She hasn't cried since the breakup with Reggie." "You need to fix that." "Y-y-you want me to make Amber cry?" " Yes!" " Wow." "Watch a romantic comedy with her, eat some ice cream." "If you love our daughter, Marty, you will make her cry." "Okay, sure." "You got it." " And, Marty?" " Yes." ""Die hard" is not a romantic comedy." "Oh, but she takes his name back in the end!" "She's Holly McLane again!" "It's beautiful!" "♪ We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey ♪" "♪ we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee ♪" "♪ then the humans moved next door ♪" "♪ started testing all our limits ♪" "♪ so sit right down, enjoy the show ♪" "♪ we'll be done in 30 minutes ♪" "Husband, you've been working on that latte for over an hour." "You almost done over there?" "I'm working on the coffee shop the New Jersey department of health calls a "b-plus."" "I must really be on top of my game." "Well, it doesn't have to be perfect." "Did Michelangelo say that when he painted the Sistine Chapel or became a mutant ninja turtle?" "!" "Jackie, quick, this scarf..." "Does it make me look..." "Like a mother trying too hard, yes." "Oh, bummer." "Thank you." "Why can't Marty answer questions honestly?" "Maybe because human relationships are pointless." "I wonder what Amber's doing right now." "She's probably not flossing." "She loves to skip flossing!" "He's been like this for a week." "Walk it off, son." "Rub some dirt on it and move on!" "Come here, Reg." "Give me a hug." "Oh, even your hair is sad!" "Oh, God." "I can smell Amber's DNA on you." "Oh, okay." "You know what, Reggie?" "Never mind, never mind." "Rub some dirt on it." "See?" "He's a real hot mess." "Hey, can you keep the yammering down?" "!" "Some of us are actually trying to make something of our lives!" "What has gotten into you?" "Are you going to say something to our son?" "Yes." "Dick, get out of the way." "Behold!" "My foam art." "Oh, a circle?" " Lizard." " No!" "It's a heart!" "Oh, who am I kidding?" "I don't deserve to be called "junior barista in training."" "Excuse me, Dick." "I'm gonna join my son." "Reggie-kins, save a spot on the couch for papa." "Look, the man and the woman are rock climbing." "They do everything together!" "We must purchase this allergy medication immediately!" "Oh, I'm all alone here, Debbie." "It's just me, a petulant young boy, and two overly emotional grown men." "Yeah." "What's up with them today?" "As you know, Zabvronian men carry our babies." "Yeah, go on..." "Not a lot of detail." "Well, uh, once a year, they have their..." "Cycle." "And sometimes when men live together, their cycles sync up and happen at the same time." "I'm six weeks early!" "Thanks a lot, Reggie!" " Ah, ow!" " Sorry." "Wait, so you're saying that Reggie and Larry" " are having their..." " Mm." "Oh, well, that's it for me." "You guys have a great day." "Was she calling me fat?" "!" "No." "If you're fat, then I'm fat!" "Oh, I hate being the only woman in this house." "Now, in order to aggregate social networks, many aggregation services will provide widgets, which allow you to search across" " multiple social-networking platforms..." " Hi." "I'm Debbie Weaver." " And also access any..." " What the hell's a widget?" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Hi." "If you do have any questions, uh, please direct them towards me." "Even beautiful girls have to follow the rules." "Okay." "So..." "Did our Professor just hit on me?" "Oh, my God!" "We'll talk later." "You're fun." "♪ close your eyes ♪" "♪ give me your hand, darling ♪" " Stupid human bodies." "If I get any more bloated... ♪ Do you feel my heart beating♪ ♪ - ..." "Something, something, Rush Llimbaugh." "I can't even complete my own joke." "♪ Do you understand♪ ♪" " Well, Dick just told me to take a chill pill." "♪ Do you feel the same♪ ♪" " Oh, not so bad." "He told me to take it rectally!" "♪ Or am I only dreaming♪ ♪" " His behavior's completely out of control." "We have to do something." "I think he's hit his terrible 10s." "♪ Is this burning ♪" " Is that a thing♪" "Oh, can't you see I'm listening to my favorite cry song?" "♪ An eternal flame♪ ♪" " Oh, why does feeling bad feel so good♪" "Husband, if I have to listen to this song one more time," "I'm going to give you something to cry about!" "Now help me deal with our little Dick problem." "Wife, you're overreacting." "Dick's fine." " Bite me!" " See?" "Classic Dick." "I'm going to take my darling older son to the coffee shop." "He's going through a real crisis." "No, Reggie Jackson has school today, husband." "Oh, so you're saying I'm a bad parent?" "!" "You always do this, Jackie!" "Husband, do you think maybe you're overreacting a little bit" " because you're having your..." " Say it!" "Say it and see what happens!" "I j..." "I just..." "I'm allowed to have feelings, too." "Don't just try and blame it on my gentleman time." "God!" "Hey." "Hey." "So, you, uh..." "You need to talk about anything?" "No, I'm fine." "Wait, wait, wait." "Uh..." "I have to watch..." ""Love actually"..." "for work." "Do you want to, uh, maybe watch it with me, maybe?" "You have to watch "Love actually"..." "For work?" "Sensitivity training." "I'm gonna pass." "You have any interest in "Die hard"?" "We... we could... we could take a bite of ice cream for every dead terrorist!" "It's gonna get pretty tasty 20 minutes in!" "I hate my hair today." "Your hair looks amazing." "No, it doesn't." "Yours does." "No, it doesn't!" "It used to." "It broke when my heart did." "Oh." "My little tickle-me-emo." "You must get over this breakup." "I can't bear you feeling like this." "Uh, hey, Lar, we really need you back behind the counter." "Really, Carl?" "Are we really going to make this about what the coffee shop needs right now?" "Carl?" "!" "Carl!" "Go." "Go." "Reggie Jackson, I am going to fix your heartache if it's the last thing I do, but ohh." "Ooh." "In a few minutes." "I'm cramping something fierce." "Hey." "Hey, can I borrow your notes?" "Can I borrow your notes?" "Excuse me." "Chatty Cathy." "How can I help you?" "I was wondering, what is a widget?" "Oh, well, why don't you come by during my office hours later?" "I promise, by the end of tonight, you'll know not only what a widget is..." "But how to use it." "That would be great." "Mm-hmm." "Thank you, Professor Vance." " It's a date." " Great." "Oh, I should have kept you two under the scarf." "There's my schoolgirl." "You're home early." "Listen, I tried to talk to Amber, and, uh, she just..." "Wait, why... why are you wearing your depression outfit?" "Oh, I got it all wrong, Marty." "College girls don't dress cute." "They dress like depressed moms." "And my first class was really tough, so now I'm gonna have to have private tutoring from my professor, who I'm pretty sure was hitting on me." "And by "pretty sure," I mean definitely, so now I got to nip that in the bud and look as unattractive as possible." "Well, well, well, looks like someone's hot for student." "Yeah, I still got it, but I got to turn it off." "Will this do it?" "What is my most unattractive outfit?" "Marty?" "You look great in everything." "Nothing could make you look unattractive." "Oh, Marty, come on." "I give you full license." "Stop playing around." "I'm serious." "Yeah, so am I." "I don't..." "I don't want to play this game." "It isn't a game." "I want to do well in my class, and I don't want my professor to flirt with me." "Your professor will be into you no matter what you do." "You are so pretty." "Oh, Marty, come on." "This has got to stop." "I'm your wife." "When I ask you a question, I want an opinion." "What's my most unattractive outfit?" "Marty?" " Mnh-mnh." "No." " Marty." " No, I'm not doing it, Deb." " Marty." "Don't make me do it!" "I don't want to do it!" " No, Marty..." " I don't want to..." "Your Capri pants!" "You don't like my Capris?" " See, now you're mad at me, right?" " I am not mad." "This is why I didn't want to say anything," " 'cause now you're mad at me." " I am not mad." "No Capris... got it." "What else?" "For real?" "You're totally okay with this?" "I am." "Okay, great." "So, great." "I would have to say then..." "Um, I didn't totally love it when you experimented with being blond." "Oof!" "What was that?" "Oh, boy." "That was not an experiment." "I was blond for six years!" "No, no, I don't..." "That's not what I..." "I'm not... okay, what happened to full li..." "You said full license, right?" "To comment on an outfit, not my hair color nine years ago!" "I-I was blond between Amber and Max." "Oh, my God!" "Is that why it took us six years to have Max?" "!" "No, not at all!" "Look, I don't even know what you're worried about." "This professor's probably not even hitting on you." "Ohh." "Was that such a good thing to say to me right now?" "No." "Yes?" "No?" "I don't know." "I don't know!" "Just tell me what you want me to say, Deb." "I'll say it." "Go ahead." "Okay, well, that is the problem, Marty, because you say what you think I want to hear instead of what you really feel until it's too late!" "Too late for what?" "!" "Damn, I'm like Charlie Brown with the football." "Dick, what have you done?" "!" "I'm not the one who left the garage door closed!" "Take some responsibility, Jackie!" "Children are a blessing." "Children are a blessing." "Children are a blessing." "Come on, Deb." "Come on!" "Wait!" "Amber, how do I look?" "Terrible." "Thank you!" "You okay?" "You want to watch "Love actually"?" "You know, for work." "I would like that very much." "All right, son." "Voilà!" "You got me defunct technology?" "No, I made you a mix tape." "Sometimes you just need a good breakup song to stew in your emotions until you disgust yourself and move on." "This contains Taylor Swift's breakup songs to Joe Jonas," "Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, and, my personal favorite, frog voice Eddie Redmayne." "Father!" "What?" "!" "He ruined "Les Mis"!" "Excessive close-ups ruined "Les Mis,"" "but that's not the point." "I don't care about Taylor Swift's heartbreaks." "She isn't feeling the hurt I'm feeling." "No one has ever felt the hurt that I'm feeling!" "Oh, I don't know." "She was pretty messed up after Mayer." "That's it." "I should write my own breakup song." "I need to express my totally unique and once-in-a-lifetime pain." "And perform it for the masses!" "Wait, what?" "Carl, we'll need the stage cleared." "We don't have a stage." "Then build it, Carl!" "Ugh, Carl is the worst." "The worst." "Carl!" "Way to go, genius." "Dick, I cannot take this behavior anymore." "It's time for you to go back to being that delightful, rambunctious, fanciful Dick we all know and love." "Oh, save it for Reggie." "He's everyone's favorite." " What?" " Goodbye forever." "I'm running away." "Um..." "Dick?" "What are you doing?" "Are you swimming?" "I don't think..." "Well, it's a good try, anyway." "I'll be in my room." "Oh, boy." "These movies make me crazy." "If these people would just tell each other how they feel, then everything would be okay." "I know, right?" "If "Walking dead" guy would have just told" ""Pirates of the Caribbean" girl that he loved her before she went and married that dude from "12 Years a slave,"" "maybe he wouldn't be all alone, wondering, "what if?"" "Jerk." "Then again, the movie would be over in five minutes." "Right, then they don't get to storm into some crowded room and profess their love for each other in front of complete strangers" "in some fake, unrealistic way as the music swells." "In Portuguese." "What if I made a mistake not telling Reggie how I feel about him?" "Is that why you've been avoiding him?" "Maybe." "What happened with mom?" "She asked me to tell her what I found unattractive about her." "And I-I told her, "nothing, nothing."" "Then she started yelling at me for not communicating well enough." "So I told her I didn't like her as a blonde." "Oh, good." "So, like, the worst answer ever." "Yeah, maybe." " You should go talk to Reggie." " You should go talk to mom." "Hey, Amber, this was nice, this whole "you and me talking" thing." "Yeah, we should do it again." "You know, for work." "Right." "Oh, and just between us..." "If I was Reggie, I would take you back in a heartbeat." "That's weird." "Sorry." "Oh, also, just between us, when mom was a blonde, she looked like a waitress from Fort Lauderdale." "I know, right?" "!" "That's like having food stuck in your teeth for six years and the person that you are closest to just lets you sit there looking like an idiot!" "I wish he'd just speak his mind!" "I don't like your lime-green toenail Polish." "It creeps me out." "I don't like when you throw around random Italian words." "I get it." "You wanted to live in Italy." "I don't like at the end of a movie trailer when you say, "oh, that's not gonna be good."" "How do you know?" "I don't like those one-piece short pants/skirt combo things." " Rompers." " Yeah, you like a retched-out dwarf." "I don't like that I'm sitting here right now." "Most of all..." "I don't like when I hurt your feelings." "Oh, Marty." "I don't want you to feel like you got to hide things from me." "I want your honest opinion." "Back at home when we're alone." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I overdid it on the "Love actually" today." "I almost did this whole thing in Portuguese." "Oh, did Amber watch with you?" "!" "Did she cry?" "!" "She watched." "She didn't cry." "Oh." "But we had a great moment." " Oh, I'm excited." " Yeah." "Can we wrap this up, maybe?" "And you!" "Stop hitting on my hot wife!" "Trust me, no longer an issue." "Arrivederci." "You're right." "That does sound awful." " Know what a widget is?" " No, what's a widget?" " What the hell's a widget?" "!" " It's in your syllabus!" "Why would you ever think that Reggie Jackson is our favorite?" "Oh, I don't know..." "Maybe 'cause he goes through one breakup and suddenly everyone forgets the Butkus!" "Dick, you're feeling left out." "Ding, ding, ding!" "Detective obvious cracks the case!" "Well, trust me, son." "I know the feeling." "Once a year, your father and Reggie Jackson have a very special bond that I will never, ever understand... ever." "Tell me about it." "But I will let you in on a little secret." "I do have a favorite, and it's you." "Girl, please." "No, seriously." "You have no idea how much I need you right now." "You're not a "weep at the drop of a hat" man yet." "Ugh!" "Men are the worst." "Hmm." "But, Dick, the only reason that I pay Reggie Jackson and your father so much more attention is because they need it." "You are my strong, little ginger boo..." "And the one I have the most in common with in this family." "Sorry for being such a man." "Bump it out?" "Say, Dick, you'll still want to hang out with me in 400 years once you start having your cycle, won't you?" "Oh, mother, let's not ruin this moment with insecurity." "Are you sure this is the best way to get over Amber?" "Son, all I know is that once a year, we Zabvronian men have a unique perspective on the world." "Unlike human males who replace their emotions with machismo and meaningless grunts, we can actually show our feelings in all their raw glory!" "Now get on that Mike and..." "Let yourself go!" "Welcome to Larry Bird's open mic." "Tonight, prepare for something you've never seen before." "Someone will self-centeredly work through their failed relationship issues through song in a coffee shop." "Now, put your hands together for my son, Reggie Jackson!" "♪ Is it that I'm sad♪ ♪" "♪ Or is it just the hormones♪ ♪" "♪ You don't return my texts ♪" "♪ and I know you have a cellphone ♪" "♪ Amber ♪" "♪ I'm better off alone ♪" "♪ We're from different worlds ♪" "♪ doomed from the start ♪" "♪ destiny has shown ♪" "♪ we're meant to be apart ♪" "♪ Amber ♪" "♪ Amber, I'm moving on ♪" "♪ The universe is right ♪" "♪ we should never date ♪" "♪ No ♪" "♪ the universe is wrong ♪" "♪ it's you ♪" "♪ you're my soul mate ♪" "She left." "I played her my song, and s-she left." "Oh, I shouldn't have pushed you to do that." "Why are my speeches so rousing?" "Amber doesn't care how I feel." "She doesn't care about me." "Please tell me it hurts this bad because it's our time of the year." "Oh, I don't know, son." "Oh, it's all so unbearably heartbreaking." "Maybe we'll feel like this forever." "Oh." "Oh, my cycle's completed." "Whew!" "Do I feel better!" "Oh!" "Onwards and upwards." "There's plenty of more fish in the sea, so get back on that horse." "Am I right?" "You know what I mean?" "Bump it out!" "No?" "Oh, Reggie, rub some dirt in it and move on." "For God sakes, is there anyone that Hugh Grant doesn't have chemistry with?" "You could put him next to a toaster, and I'd think they belong together." "That explains Andie MacDowell." "Quick question." "Who brings out Hugh Ggrant's best qualities..." "Drew Barrymore, Sandra Bullock, or Julia Roberts?" "Trick question." "Hugh brings out his own best qualities." "Correct." "You get a scoop." "Sweet." "Ooh, hey, guys." "Is there anyone Hugh Grant doesn't have chemistry with?" "Grab a spoon."