" Hey." " You're a big girl." " You can watch The Walking Dead alone." " Sam booty-called me..." "Ooh, Sam, he's so hot." "I don't care." "Good night." " Don't..." "I need your help." " What?" "I'm terrible at casual sex." "I left him in there with crayons and paper like he's a kid in a restaurant, and said I had to check fantasy football." " You don't know what that is." " No, sir." "I do not know what that is." "I panicked." "Help me." "You can't separate your feelings from sex?" "So what?" "You're a girl." " I deserve to have a shorty on the side." " Shorty's not..." "That's the wrong use of shorty." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Hey, I drew a cat." "Sorry, man, she's checking her fantasy football because she's..." "I'm not gonna do this." "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " It's Jess" "WINSTON:" "Are we gonna talk about it?" " Uh, talk about what, Winston?" "The belt, Schmidt." "Please explain the belt." " It's after Labor Day." "I'm wearing whales." " The dumbest thing ever." "You look like the bad guy in an '80s high school movie." "I'll have you guys know that Kanye wore this belt." "Let me say that one more time." "Kanye." " Kanye?" " He looked beautiful." "His midsection lit up." "What is your obsession with him?" "Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way to jump social strata." "All I have to do is meet him then dazzle him so we're each other's last call before bed." ""Yo, what up, K?" "Yeah, I'm just going to sleep." "You watching Fallon?" "Heh." "That brother's crazy."" "Tagg Romney, you know if your dad's gonna win?" " He does look like a Romney." "Ha, ha!" "SCHMIDT:" "Telling me I look like one of the most handsome men in politics does not hurt." "Last night was horrible." "Sam came over, we tried to make out I stopped it and then we just laid there like two old people in The Notebook." " Waiting to die." " Jess, I get it." "You're the type of person that..." "You need to ease into these kind of things" " Let us take you out tonight." "NICK:" "Mm-mm." "Okay?" "And that way you can feel like you're going on a date first." "Yes, like we're all dating in a large, non-sexual friend group." " My nightmare." "Have fun." "I'm out." " Come on, Nick." "Please?" "Why are you doing this, Jess?" "Why don't you just date a guy that you like?" "This is good for me." "I jump into relationships." "Plus, Sam's not the kind of guy you spend Saturdays in your sweatpants with." "He's the kind of guy you bone." "Can't help." "At a crucial point in my novel." " You selfish bastard." " I'm not selfish." " I have to get through..." " I'm sick of this zombie novel nonsense." " It's not nonsense." " Friends help friends have meaningless sex." " Okay?" "Now you're going." "End of story." " You got it." "Where are you, Schmidt?" "This place is fancy and I don't know which fork to kill myself with." "I gotta bail." "Kanye is at this club tonight." "What?" "This was your idea." "I can't miss this." "I got the belt on, I took Winston to prove I can be friends with black people." "You shut up, Schmidt." "Shut up." "This is ridiculous." "I'm leaving right now." "Bye." "Whoa." "Heh." "Wow." "Forgot what you look like when you're not dressed like the loft troll." " Pardon?" " Sorry, I didn't..." "What I mean to say is you look:" "Va-va-va-va-voom!" " Heh." " Hello, nurse!" "Hubba-ba." "Meow!" "Zing!" " You can stop me at any time." " Are the guys coming or...?" "No, it's just us." "They bailed." "If you wanna go back or we could both go back." "We're here, so..." " We're already here." " Can I get your chair, milady?" " So weird." "[IN DEEP VOICE] Loft troll not used to fancy gentlemen." " Shut up." "Why are you yelling?" " [IN NORMAL VOICE] That was loud." "Ha, ha." "[ALL CHATTERING]" "Winston." "You've been staring at this girl for five minutes." "I hope you're checking her out, or you're a serial killer, which would explain a lot." "No, checking her out?" "No, dude, I'm in a relationship." "Like, happily." "Shelby and..." " Shelby and I haven't had sex in three weeks." " For real?" "We're in a bit of a rut." "[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]" "Not now." "I have to go to the bathroom." " I'm cheating on Shelby." " What?" " No, no, in my mind." "I'm cheating in my mind." " In your mind?" "So what?" "So what?" "What do you mean, so what?" "I'm doing it all the time." "I can't control myself." "Everybody does it all the time." "How do you think I get through the day?" "Whoa." "Okay, wow." "Um, well, in that case..." "Hey, lady, can I introduce you to this lady?" " This place is crazy expensive." " Schmidt picked it." "I can afford the valet charge and the "add onions."" "Then you'll be happy to meet my little Scottish friend." "You unexpected genius." "Is that whiskey?" " White wine." " White wine?" "!" "Why would you do white wine?" " No." " All right, my man." " Not gonna happen." "WINSTON:" "Schmidt?" "It's the belt, man." "Take off the belt." "The only thing I know is this belt is amazing." "If you're gonna wear that thing, make it work for us, okay?" " You got a plan?" " Yeah, I got a plan." "Of course." " Go talk to your peeps." " It's not my peeps." " Go talk to your peeps." "Come on." "Word." " Don't say..." "Don't do this:" "We got Tagg Romney here." "We'll need you to sweep the perimeter." " What the hell you talking about?" " Tagg Romney." "Pleasure to meet you, sir." " Romney." "Like, Mitt Romney's your daddy." " Let's get America back to work." "Here's the thermos." "You know, the drunker you get, the more obvious you're being with the thermos." "Thermos?" "Thermos?" "I'm sorry, I don't understand." "What's a thermos?" "That one, right there in your hand." "Oh, the thermosé?" "Heh, heh." " This is fun." " This is really fun." "[CELL PHONE BEEPS]" "It's Sam." "He's done with work and he wants to "hang out."" "He's got a job?" "Poke a hole in that condom." "Thank you, Nick." "I now feel ready to have meaningless sex." " I do what I can." " Do you need money...?" "Half the soup?" "No, I think I got it." " Loft troll eats fancy soup." " Get out of here, would you?" "Go have fun." "Excuse me." "Can I get an ice bucket for this bad boy?" "More than your normal amount." "This is a thermos, so:" "[MAKES POPPING NOISE]" "[WAITRESS SIGHS]" "[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "WINSTON:" "Ah!" "I see what we're doing here." "We're stalking your ex-girlfriend." "Oh, is Cece here?" " Schmidt." " Cece." "What up?" "So where's Blobby...?" "Where's Blobby?" "Where's that dude?" "Oh, you mean my boyfriend?" "His name is Robby." "Excuse me, my friend is too embarrassed to come over here but she said she heard from someone in line that you're a Romney?" " Ha!" "Ha, ha!" " I'm..." "She's right over there." " Oh, yeah, I'm a Romney." "Hell, yeah, I am." " Oh, come on." "Security, remove the threat, code red." " That woman is stupid enough to..." "WINSTON:" "Right this way, miss." "Come on." " Winston, I thought you were better than this." "SCHMIDT:" "I'm sorry." "I am a huge supporter." "In '08, I was the co-chair of Kappas for Romney." "You caught me, I'm a Romney." "I'm trying to be incognito, so just:" " You're Tagg?" " Tugg." "Tugg Romney, yeah." "I'm Tugg Romney, Tagg is everywhere." "Too much Tagg for me." "Tugg." "Whoo!" "What a night." " What a crazy night." "NICK:" "Yeah, me too." "Found a dollar on my way out of the restaurant, I used it to buy a slice of pizza." " One day closer to death!" " Winston?" " What is wrong with you?" " No, just..." "Nothing wrong, just brushing my hair." "I just wanna say that I had meaningless, wonderful sex last night with Sam and that sex would not have been possible without the efforts of a one Nick Miller." " Ugh." "But okay." " I don't wanna kiss and tell but I did ruin my dresser during intercourse." " Why you saying that?" " Not trying to hear that." " Will you go to Ikea with me?" " Sure, I'm not doing anything." "Don't let me lay my eyes on the Malm collection." " I can't afford it and I'm a sucker for it." " I'll go get my golf pencils." "WINSTON:" "Mm-hm." " You got something to say, just say it." "Look, a man can only sit back and observe but for so long before he has to speak his mind." " Then speak your mind." "A line has been crossed." "You, my friend, have become her fluff er." " Like in porn?" " An emotional fluff er." " An emotional fluff er?" " You gotta set boundaries." "You're gonna start fulfilling every single need of hers." "All the things a boyfriend would do." " Winston..." " For some other dude who's doing nothing..." " I'm her friend." " You're a boyfriend..." " I'm not." " You're a boyfriend without rewards." " Shut up." " Hey, Nick, you ready?" " Yeah." "So it's not available at the closest Ikea but it is available at the second closest which is about forty-five minutes." "If we drive over the reservoir." " But we can't." "So it's about an hour and a half." " Cool." "I had so much sex last night." "Ha, ha." "[WHISPERS] Fluff er." " You're gonna get caught." " Impossible." "I've been studying Romney trivia all day." "Memorizing Dad's gestures so I can mimic them." " You're calling Mitt Romney "Dad" now?" " Mm-hm." "Schmidt, we get it, he's the dad you never had." "Okay, all-knowing Indian god Ganesha, this is about sex." "You know they have Romney Olympics every summer?" "I bet that's a hoot." "I'm sure it's like the real Olympics, only the white people win sprints." " Okay, so you're good." " Okay." "Yeah." "Hey, Nick, you know how to put this together?" " I think it looks pretty easy, actually." " I'm actually busy." "I'm, uh..." "I'm moving money around, I'm diversifying..." "And I'm not your fluff er, by the way." "What's a fluff er?" "In pornography, it's the person who keeps the actor motivated, aroused, you know." " Ew!" "That's a job?" " That's what I am." "I'm your emotional fluff er." "I'm there whenever you need a guy." "You want tea, I'll make it." " Lose your phone, I'll call it." " That's what friends do." "I'm your boyfriend without the rewards." " Oh." " Yeah." "You're saying you want the..." "No, no, no." "Not with you, no!" "Bleh!" " Don't say "bleh."" " I don't want it." "I'm not disgusting, it's not unheard of." " Bleh!" " Come on, admit it, you've thought about it." "You and me?" "Sexually?" "Nope." "Bleh!" "Never thought about it." " Don't lie." " Not on purpose." "Sleeping Nick is a totally different guy." "You know you did when you walked in on me doing deep lunges." "Yeah, check my Google history, Jess." "It's filled with girls doing deep lunges." "I'll admit, I've thought about it." " Yeah." " When was this?" "Last year." "Just once." "[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] Would you like to eat me?" "What do you mean?" "Aren't you a little small?" "Ha, ha!" "What are you, nuts?" "Ha, ha!" "[SOBBING]" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] What happened?" "Why am I doing this?" "That's what does it for you?" "Yeah, I thought about it for five minutes and I realized it would never work." " Yeah, I agree." "That's how I see it." " I'm glad we agree." " Me too!" " Great!" "Out of curiosity, why do you think that?" "Because you drive me nuts, Miller!" "Because you're always sighing like you're the president of the United States and you have to decide if we're going to war." " I sigh because you sing about everything." " I do not." " [IN SINGSONG] I hate it!" "You sing and dance about nothing!" "You're cheap!" " You're so cheap." " I'm not cheap." "You never put money in any tip jar, ever." " Never seen you do that." " What you talking about?" " Last week at the coffee shop." " You put nickels in the tip jar." " Nickels!" " You know what ajar is?" "Nickels are worse than no money, it's an insult." "You're a bartender, you live on tips." " You should know better." " The only American currency graced with the face of Thomas Jefferson." " It's rude." "You hate everything." " You're on the fence about the Louisiana Purchase..." " I couldn't live with that." "I barely live with it now." "But you need me to have sex." "Oh, that's what you think?" "[SCOFFS]" "I'm calling Sam, and we're gonna go on a date." " And we're gonna talk our faces off." " Good luck with that." "Can't find your phone, Jess?" "I'm not calling this time." "Are you happy now?" "Now I have to get to know the guy I'm sleeping with." "[CELL PHONE RINGING]" "NICK:" "That was a pocket dial!" "That was an ill-timed pocket dial, I will not explain myself!" "[DOOR SLAMS]" "I just wish I had a lot more solo Tugg time." " You know?" " You can be Tugg with me." "Sometimes I think that I'm just a riddle that, well, even I can't solve." "Yeah, see, I tried to solve it again." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" " Hi!" " Hi!" "I hope it's okay, I invited over some of the Kappas." "Kappas for Romney." "Courtney." "Such a pleasure." " I'm April." " April." "They just got so excited." "Who wouldn't be?" " Did you ask?" " April's in love with your brothers." "Who's the shy one?" "Who's the joker?" " Who's tried coffee?" "MEGAN:" "You're such a spaz." "Nobody gets rowdy like us Romney boys." " Just a bunch of alphas, you know?" " Yeah." "That is, of course, unless we're fishing on Lake Winnipesaukee." "Nothing that I love more than getting out on the water with Dad the freezing-cold dawn, couple of cold beers in hand." " Having one moment..." " You're dad doesn't drink, he's Mormon." "We don't drink the beers, Courtney." "We just buy them to support American breweries." "Then we dump them in the lake." "Because we're Americans." "JESS:" "So..." "Um, I want a casual sex affair, just like in the movies." " Nice." " But, turns out I need some conversation first." " So..." " if you wanna hang out more." " No." "I don't want to hang out more." " Okay." " Because if I hang out with you I'm gonna fall in love with you." "It's how I am." "I can't separate things." "Question:" "Under what circumstances would you build a dresser for a woman?" " Like that I'm not interested in sleeping with?" "Um..." " Am I being blackmailed?" " No." "It's like a Make-A-Wish Foundation type thing?" " No." " I mean, yeah, marriage." "Anything besides marriage is, you know, an abuse." " An abuse?" " Yeah, you can't do that to a friend." "Unless your friend's a chump." "Or a certified carpenter." "That would work." "Wait a minute, this isn't a sex thing, is it?" "Because, you know, I can't pleasure a woman and build a dresser at the same time." "I'm not God." "[GROANING]" "Hey." "Hey!" "Hey!" "What's going on, man?" " You going to the dark place?" " I'm not." "I did what you said, told her I didn't wanna be her fluff er." "It went great." " What is wrong with you?" "Get up." " I did it, I feel terrible!" " Because you didn't set boundaries." " I don't know what that means." "As a friend, you can lift a heavy object but you can't drive her to the airport." "You can hold the elevator, but only if you see her running down the hallway." "No picnics, no mini-muffins, and never Adele." " Adele?" "Adele's amazing." " Never Adele." " No concerts, no music, no T-shirts, no nothing!" " Guys and girls..." " Never Adele!" " A little Adele." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Nick!" "You..." "You're gonna calm down, okay?" " You want my help or what?" " Yes, don't be so intense." "Most importantly you will not build her that dresser." "It's furniture." "It implies that, one day, you will share it with her." "And that's not gonna happen." "You're right." "You're right." "Are you spelling it right?" "Two G's, silent B." "Here's a picture of the whole family, and you are not in it." "Well, somebody had to take the picture." " Admit it, you're not a Romney." " I'm not a Romney?" "Would a non-Romney know this?" "That Ma and Pa never go to bed angry." "That there are 16 grandchildren:" "Allie, Joe, Thomas, Gracie, Wyatt, Parker, Miles, Jonathan Sawyer, Nash, Nate, Mia, Owen, Soliel, Nick, Chloe." "Those are just facts you got from the Internet." "I'm proud to be a Romney." "Okay, I'm proud to have had a dad that was around when I was growing up." "A dad that took me camping." "A dad that spent Saturdays with me throwing the football." "Heh." "A dad that gave me a wink when I left for prom night, and said, "Be safe, son."" "When I think of a dad like that I'm proud not only of the Romney name, but of this country." "God bless Mitt Romney." "God bless America." "It's a candid shot from the governor's biography." "The caption says "The whole family."" "Nitpicking turns me off." "You're all horribly unattractive to me." "Tugg Romney, out." "Hey, I got your text." "When you're going through "a Taylor Swift-like range of emotions," I should come over, right?" "You were the only one I could talk to." "Being brown you have the wisdom of 1000 white women." "All right." "What happened with that girl?" "SCHMIDT:" "Ugh." "Winston?" "Winston?" " Hey." " Hmm?" " Are you serious right now?" " He said it was okay." "She is off-limits." "Go call your girlfriend." " You obviously have things to work out." " Fine." "Fine." "But for the record, it was loving and tender." "You squeezed my hand at the end." "Get out of here!" " Deviant." " Okay, so..." " Tell me what happened." " Well, I'm back to being Schmidt." "I'm gonna miss it." "Being a Romney." "Schmidt, your life would not have been better if you were a Romney." "Cece, look, my dad left when I was 8." "Okay, then he went and had three kids with his new wife and me and my mom were just these two weirdos who belonged to nobody." "Until she started spending all this time with this woman from work who she still lives with." "Schmidt, he's your dad." "Find a way to forgive him for not being a presidential candidate with great hair." "Forget it." "No one understands." " There, I thought you needed that, okay?" " Ah." " Just take a breath and it will..." " Shh, shh, shh." "It's like memory foam." "Call your dad." "You've been cheating on me in your mind?" "Yes, but to be fair you were there." "You would just pop up mad, but you were there." "Winston, come on, it's fine." "You can think about whatever you want to think about." "I know I'm the one you wanna be with." "Wanna come upstairs and watch some SVU?" "You wanna watch SVU right now?" "Well, I'm too wound up to watch Raymond." "Sometimes after a big fight I like to cool off with TV." "Big fight?" " We just had a fight." " We hardly talked." "I wanna talk, I wanna fight, do something." "Well, maybe we can fight in your mind." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Hey, stop." "Stop." "Do not..." "Come on, Nick, don't build that dresser." "Please." "Jess, it's fine." "I have another one." "You need like three." "I can't let you fluff me." "I can't let you work in emotional porn." " You have too much to offer." " Forget it, Jess." "I'm building you the dresser." "I love this stuff." "It's like high-stakes Legos." "Okay, but..." "I didn't know what I was doing to you." "I've always had relationships in different boxes." "Friends in one box, boyfriends in another, but now it's messy." "And I don't wanna screw up what I have with you." " You're too important to me." " It's different with us." "We're just two people who wanna be friends but are sometimes attracted to each other." " Ha!" "You have thought about the reward!" " That's not what I said." "My calculations were correct." " I love deep lunges." " Heh, heh." "Just don't make a big deal of it." "I just don't need a bunch of people telling me what we can and can't do together." "That pisses me off." "If I wanna build you a dresser, I'm gonna build you a damn dresser." "But if you wanna have dates before sex just do me a favor and have them with the guy you're having sex with." " Agreed." " Good." "Maybe I should just stop trying with Sam." "I'm old-fashioned below the belt." "I've got a Civil War-era piece of equipment, and that's all she wrote." "All right, I gotta give you something now." "It's something really close to my heart." "That's Nick's Sexy Mix, a.k.a. The original fluff er." ""The Humpty Dance" does it for you?" "Do your thing, girl." "Get crazy." "[SPANK'S "LAY YOU DOWN" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "I wanna lay you down" "When we're done, I want you to immediately turn this off." "Yes." "That's where she wants it That's where she needs it" "[PAUL SIMON'S "YOU CAN CALL ME AL" PLAYING ON STEREO]" "Ooh." "Heh."