"Where's the bread?" "This sauce is so fantastic, we might need something to soak up the..." "Stop!" "I had it and I won't get it back." "Oh, shit." "Sorry, darling." "I'II..." "I'II just leave you alone." " Yeah, leave." " Eh?" "Go!" "But it's raining outside." "It's always raining." "Yeah, I know, but can't I just be quiet and..." "Go!" "Oh." " I'II get some bread." " Sshh." "Farmhouse or ciabatta?" "Ssh!" "Focaccia?" "How do I know what bread you want?" "(Scream of frustration)" "I'II get a baguette." "Janice, Janice, what have you done now?" "Was it a really big one this time, Janice?" "Yes." "Come on, Iassie, Iet's hear all about it." "I have sinned, Father." "I am a sinner." "Was it anybody famous this time?" "HARRIET:" "He's on the twelfth chapter." "I've read the first eleven, and it's a masterpiece." "It's like waiter Scott meets The Horse Whisperer." "Yeah." "Are you coming clubbing next weekend?" "We're all going." " Kenny's not going, he hates clubbing." " Depends on the club." "Oh, shit, I'm splashing this fucking carbonara everywhere." " My God, I'm such a slag!" " Harriet, I'm trying to concentrate here." "Sorry, darling." "Listen, I've got to go." "My man wants me in the kitchen." "Bye!" "Harriet, maybe it's not working out, this living together." " What are you talking about?" " There's no space, and I'm working at home..." " Are you dumping me?" " No, I just don't think we should live together." "This is extraordinary." "We're having our first row and you're dumping me." "You bastard!" "How dare you abuse me like this, Kenny McLeod, you misogynistic brute!" "Women born after 1 985 don't put up with this kind of shit!" "Ever!" "His body has the animal grace of a... young cheetah." "Mmm." "And he fornicates me with a power that Jackie McCann was never capable of." "Oh, Janice." "The pleasures of the flesh can have an almost spiritual intensity." "They can and all, Father." "Have you considered divorce?" "No, Father." "Perhaps, perhaps it's the best thing." "I mean, you haven't been satisfied in your marriage." "No, Father." "Not for a Iong time." "well, the Church doesn't want you to be unhappy." "And this Rab fella, is there any future in this relationship?" "I was born the day I lay with him, Father." "I Iive in his arms." "He is my future." " It's a great office." " Thanks." "How you doing?" "Not great." "Does your daughter still have your car?" "I don't want to talk about it." "So, how did you Iike the first draft of my book?" "Oh, I don't know, it's...it's very harsh, Jean." "Life is harsh, miles." "You of all people should know that right now." "Saying people are better off without partners, we're all condemned to being alone." "It's so obvious." "Look, your wife, is she still in the picture?" "Yes, I don't want to get personal." "Have you ever felt that she was your equal, in terms of intellect or ability?" "God, no." "Do you ever feel like she thwarted Iong-heId ambitions that you had?" "alicia?" "Of course." "Year in, year out..." "well, you don't have to live that way, miles." "Get over it." " Get over people." " She doesn't actually do anything." "She just... ages." "personal and spiritual development require independence." "You need a guidebook for that journey." "Every week...she looks older." "Are you gonna publish it?" "please!" "AII right." "Thanks, miles." "Good call." "people actually think she's my mother." "I was in a restaurant the other day, and the maitre'd definitely looked at me." "Gotta go, miles." "Yah." "The yield in the sheep's really low this year." " Are you listening to me, hen?" " What?" "Yes, of course, the...the yield on the sheep." "How are the sheep?" " Are they all right?" " Where's your boyfriend?" "My what?" "The lad who usually comes with you." "My boyfriend?" "Yes." "well, um..." "He's uh..." "He's in Spain at the moment, with the team." "He works for a football team." " You must miss him." " Yes, I do." "I miss him very much." "Because, you see, he and I, well... ..well, we're a good team." " Janice..." " He's my..." " .." "I'II need to get back to work." " ..numero uno." "I've got post-instaIIation, claire." "It's just this empty feeling." "It's like... what was once inside... is now...outside." "It's like it's just gone away." "It's pretty empty in here." "It's full of empty." "LachIan, when I came to scotland... ..I was outside." "Yeah, you were outside." "And you...brought me..." " Inside." " Inside." "Yeah." "I think I need to go... ..outside again." "Me too." "You have an outside space..." "Mm." "..and I have an outside space." "Outside...of your outside space." " Let's go there." "JEAN:" "Hi, guys." "still have some keys." "Jean, hi." "How are you?" "Great." "Listen, I have some things to pick up." "I'II be at MaImaison for the next couple of weeks if you need to get in touch with me." "You're not still staying with Fist?" "No." "Listen, I have some news." "News?" " They're publishing my book." " You're kidding?" "congratulations, Jean." "I know this is really hard for you." "Just keep showing up at the page." "Thanks, Jean, you always know what to say." "That's just what he says." " Who?" " Oh, that's my other news." " I'm getting married." " What?" "Um..." "I didn't know you were seeing anyone." "I'm not." "It's just a visa thing." "Visa thing?" "Oh, no, just ignore those letters." "claire, it's a six-month tourist visa." "You've been here a year." "You could be in real trouble." "Jean, what are they gonna do, throw us out of the country?" "We're American." "claire...you can't overstay your visa." " That's illegal." " Oh, scare me, why don't you?" "Anyway, miles thinks it's a good idea." "He's my publisher." "So, who's the groom?" " It's nobody." " Crikey." "We're having a party tomorrow night to celebrate." " I thought it was just a visa thing." " It is." "But we need pictures." "Party." "Great." "You're invited too." "Cheers." "Tijuana brass" " Hey, did you invite Kenny?" " Oh, yeah." "I invited everyone from book group." "They're the only people I know." "Jean, you really should find some friends of your own." "They are my friends." "I'm crazy about those people." "When I came here a year ago, I didn't have a sister." "I had to go out and find all those people on my own." "And you did a great job, kiddo." "seriously, claire..." "Are you ready to love yourself?" "Cos a boyfriend isn't gonna do it for you." "would you stop speaking seIf-heIp?" "I totally love myself." "Bom-ba-Ier-o!" "OIé!" "Why am I the only one wearing a costume?" "Who said anything about a costume?" "You said it was a Mexican theme." "Yeah, food, not clothes." "I mean, who wants to wear a costume?" "I do." "Hey, it's the stud muffin on wheels." "Where's Harriet?" "Is there a créche upstairs?" "Leave it, will you?" " Hi, Janice." " Hi." "Smashing dress." "Hi, Jean." "congratulations." "Where's the guy?" "Er...he should be around here somewhere." "I think it's great you're getting married." "A whole life of interesting conversations." "Yeah, I have those already." "DougaI, honey, you wanna come and meet the in-Iaws?" "DougaI?" "He's loaded." " AII right?" " Hi..." "DougaI." "I'm claire." "I guess we'II be related...by visa." "Great to meet you, hen." " She's a very special lady." " Is she?" "Everyone." "I would Iike to propose a toast." "I thought you hated couples." "It's a visa thing." "He's acting right now." "AII right, boys." "AII right." "Nice one, chief." "(Mouths)" "I'd just like to say hello to you all and welcome to our little fiesta." "Jean and I are so glad that you all could come." "It's not often in life that you meet someone who changes everything." "It's like love comes into your heart and... ..the whole world seems like a new place again." "I'd Iike to thank the lady that brought love into my heart." "DougaI, honey, even the Home Office knows corny." "The lady who's going to share the rest of my Iife." " To true love." "OTHERS:" "True love." " True love." " Oops, finished mine already." " Is that karaoke?" "JEAN:" "Oh, Kenny, you don't have to use that, I mean... the idea of actually getting up in front of everyone and singing is just so embarrassing." "(Backing track begins)" "To all the girls I've loved before" "Oh, brother." "Who travelled in and out my door" "I'm glad you came along..." "Is there any tequila?" "I really need to get drunk tonight." "To all the girls I've loved before..." "Me too." "To all the girls I once caressed" "OIé!" "EspañoIa?" "Si." "..held the best" "I thought you were in Spain, Rab." "Aye, I just got back tonight." "Janice, this is, er...this is AnseImo." "He doesnae speak any english." "hola." " WiIIkommen." " hola." "You know the road of Iife is full of twists and turns, and wee surprises, and we never know what's around the corner..." " Is he for real?" " Shh." "..who we're gonna kiss next." "And if she's one..." "Of all the girls I Ioved before" "Good on ya, big man!" "Thank you." " Arriba!" "andale, andaIe!" "(Feedback whines)" "claire" "LachIan." "Don't." "We can't sing, remember?" "claire" " Oh my God, he's doing it." "The moment I met you, I swear" "I felt as if something somewhere" "Remember you said you'd hate any guy that sang this song?" "You always said that." "..which I couldn't see and then" "The moment I met you again" "I knew in my heart that we were friends" "If he sings the next line, you are in big trouble." "Nothing means more to me than hearing you say" "I'm going to marry you..." "will you marry me?" "Oh, hooray, Oh, claire." "Um, I really need to go to the bathroom." "claire, claire..." "claire?" "Was that just a lyric, or was that a wee proposal?" "Yeah." "Oh, congratulations, darling!" "You and DougaI can have a double wedding with the American sisters." "DOUGAL:" "double what?" "Mwah!" "Oh, thanks, Janice." "Where has my love gone?" "How can I go on?" "It seems dear love has gone away" "Where is my spirit?" "I'm nowhere near it" "Oh, yes, my love has gone astray" "I blame it on the sun" "The sun that didn't shine" "I'II blame it on the wind and the trees" "Go, Fist!" "Go, Fist!" "I'II blame it on the time that never was enough" "I'II blame it on the tide and the sea" "Go, Janice!" "Go, Janice!" "But my heart blames it on me" "Who poured the love out?" "What made this bitter doubt?" "What's up?" "Nothing." "I'm just in a relationship with someone I can't stand, is all." "I thought it was going all right for you?" " He sang you a song just now." " I hate that song." "He's so... ..obvious." "Ach." "You know, all part of getting along with someone." "You hate each other sometimes." "AII the time." "I can't write when he's around." "I can't write when he's not around." "Maybe that's a problem with your writing, claire." "Why do I think you're talking about me?" "LachIan, you're drunk." " One glass of champagne and he's drunk." " Cheap date." "Why do I think that I'm the bad guy here?" " Go get a coffee." " She talks about you in her sleep, Kenny." " Does she?" " Do I?" " Yeah." " What do I say?" "Kenny." "Kenny." "Kennikins." "I'm going to be sick." "You're too straight to vomit, LachIan." "(LachIan retches)" "My back..." "My back." "Every once in a while..." "Rab loves Spain." " Aye." " Mm-hm." "Oh, but he loves scotland too." "Janice, I've gotta tell you something." "Oh, yes?" " I'm moving to Spain." " What?" "I'm moving to Spain." "I'm gonna work for AnseImo." "He needs a...personal trainer." "Oh, but you can't." "You can't leave my house, Rab." "Sorry, but it's something I've been thinking a Iot about." "AII through the years" "I'm leaving Jackie." "No, don't do that." "I can't live without you, Rab." "You can, Janice." "I mean, I'm a shite pal for you." "Vamonos aI hotel." "Now just you stop talking Mexican there, chico." "This is my man, and he's not going anywhere!" " Oh, God." "RAB:" "Janice." "You're bIaddered." "What say we call you a taxi, get you home to bed?" "I'm not going anywhere without you, Rab." "Vamonos." "Esta borracha." "He's with me, hombre." " (Speaks Spanish)" " Now this is what I call a party." "(In Spanish)" "Hey, hey, hey." "(AnseImo rants in Spanish)" "Oh, bahIay." "well, I found the stuff about Egypt at the turn of the century really interesting." "I thought it was kind of corny." "I mean, running off with the guy that she meets in the desert." "Yeah." "Highbrow escapist literature." "Bart and I are more interested in contemporary social realism." "well, maybe you and Bart should start your own book group." "Bart is much smarter than people think." "Are you all right, Janice?" "No." "I think a good story is a good story, no matter what your this-ism or that-ism." " This was a good story." "What's corny about it?" " Too much coincidence." "There she is, in the desert, and she just happens to meet the big man who just happens to be dead good-Iooking, and they get it together and...it's too easy." " Love isn't like that." " (Snorts)" "Janice, come on." "could someone pass me that glass of water, please?" "Thanks, Fist." "It's very nice of you." "It's OK, LachIan." " I'm sorry about your back." " Oh, that's OK." "Just a few more... ..weeks." "I liked your installation." "CLAIRE:" "So...you would've liked it if...they never met, if they never fell in love, if they just had meaningless descriptive sex with other people, Iike in your book." "Hang on." "Maybe he should've shagged a 1 7-year-oId harem girl." "Maybe she should have sat on her horse feeling sorry for herself." "Sometimes drugs are a really good idea." "Have you tried valium?" "Not since I was pregnant, no." "So, valium, percodan, depixoI." "Just ride it out." "The pain is bearable if you obliterate it." "Eat." "Eat." " Harriet moved out." " really?" " Aye." "It wasn't working out." "CLAIRE:" "Oh." "I'm sorry." "I didn't know." "You really liked her." "Ach, she was too young." "Trophy shag." " Are we going to talk about the book?" " Yeah." "Let's stick to the point." "Listen, I've gotta go." "I'II see you all next time, yeah?" "I'II get the elevator for you, Kenny." "So you liked my installation?" "Why?" " See you next time." " Aye." " Is everything else OK?" " Oh, aye." "More readings." "Book's doing well." "That's great." "Hey, um... it's a good book." "Next one will be better." "Give us a kiss, then." "claire, LachIan says he needs a cup of tea and I can't find the mugs." "Yeah." "alone can be sweet sometimes" "alone gives you room" "alone in the world so it seems" "(DoorbeII)" "alone since the world" "hello?" "You don't want to lose" "So what's there to win?" "(DoorbeII)" " Oh, God." "You know you can't go on like this" "You know you can't go on like this" "(DoorbeII)" "OK." "You know you can't go on like this" "Janice McCann, on behalf of the Scottish blackface Sheep dealers' Association, we would Iike to invite you to represent the Dumfries and galloway constituency as our Member of the Scottish parliament at the next election." "What?" "We want you to be our MSP." "ALL:" "Aye, Janice." " Go, Janice." "(Shouts of encouragement continue)" "Why... gentlemen...of the agricultural community..." "..it wouId be a great...honour." "ALL:" "Yes!" "(Mouths)" "New leather." "feels great to actually have my rear end elevated." "Thanks, Jean." "This must have cost you a fortune." "No problem." "Furniture is, Iike, really important." "So, when's the honeymoon?" "In a couple of weeks." "We're going to Germany." "Germany?" "It's the Frankfurt Book Fair." "There's gonna be a bidding war on Getting Over people." "Mm." "Great." " You want some wine?" " No, thanks." "I think I'm gonna...get some work done before LachIan comes home." "Sure." "Go ahead." "(Computer boots up)" "(In Arabic)" "Who knows, hombre?" "Que sera, sera." "(Conversation in Arabic)" "Somewhere" "It's written in a book that I've read" "Sometimes" "It's written just the way that you said" "The book I read"