"In a distant... and second hand set of dimensions, through wavering star mists, see... the Great A'Tuin." "Drifting onwards through space, atop the shell of the great turtle, are four giant elephants, upon whose broad shoulders rests... the Discworld." "For the people on the Disc, the turtle was a mere hypothesis, until one day, the island kingdom of Krull, whose rim-most mountains project over the rim fall, lowered over the edge a brass vessel containing several astrozoologists." "Their mission did indeed prove the existence of the turtle." "Unfortunately, owing to a minor malfunction... they were unable to answer an even more fundamental question..." "What is the sex of the turtle?" "The remaining astrozoologists are never short of a question." "Why does it matter?" "So, we're gonna look at a turtle's bottom?" "That won't be very nice, will it?" "Since the failure of the last mission, this vital question cannot possibly be answered without sending a new expedition over the edge of the Disc... in this." "It's a bit small." "It will be somewhat bigger." "Yeah, but... where in the world are you gonna find someone stupid enough to go in that?" "Several thousand miles hubwards from the Rim, in Ankh-Morpork, the Disc's oldest city, the ship arriving in its dock is carrying Twoflower, the Discworld's first tourist." "He is looking forward to all its sights... and smells." "And of course, no tour would be complete without a visit to the city's" "Unseen University for wizards and its famous Tower Of Art." "Synchro:" "Jesslataree" "When our story begins, wizards are not very nice." "Carrying the final remains of one of their number, the eight heads of the orders of wizardry have demonstrated great powers of survival, because behind every wizard of the eighth rank, there is at least one seventh rank wizard" "trying to bump him off." "Old Rumlat." "He never saw it coming, you know, Trymon." "You know what they say, Arch Chancellor, when a wizard is tired of looking for broken glass in his dinner, he is tired of life." "I'm just speculating, obviously." "We are gathered here today to... pay our respects to Old Rumlet." "A wizard..." "Sorry." "I'm not late, am I?" "Who is that?" "Rincewind," "Arch Chancellor." "Rincewind?" "Have him sent to my office in ten minutes." "Get on with it, Weatherwax." "My back's killing me." "Run along, Rincewind." "Yes, sir." "Sorry." "Mister Rincewind, there are, as you know, eight levels of wizardry, to which the aspiring young... to which the student can aspire." "In your not inconsiderable time here at the Unseen University, you have failed to reach level one." "Yes, but..." "What the Arch Chancellor is trying to say, is that after decades of teaching you, patience seems not so much a virtue as a life sentence." " Yes, but..." " There is simply no room for your kind of person in a modern university." " I feel..." " So you leave the Arch Chancellor no other course of action but to expel you." "But it's only been 40 years." "The hat." "Goodbye, Mr Rincewind." "In the competitive world of wizardry, the way to the top is via dead men's pointy shoes." "Even if you have to empty them yourself." " You can't!" " And don't come back!" "Now, let me tell you!" "Ah, thank you very..." "Deep in its very bowels, the departure of the Disc's worst wizard from the Unseen University has stirred magic." "Good day to thee, sir." "Goodbye, world." "Disappointing." "Ha-low!" "Hello, yourself." "I wish to be direct-ed to an 'otel," "tavern, lodging house in hospice." "I wish..." "I know a tavern." "This way." "Sapient pearwood." "The tourist's luggage is no ordinary suitcase." "It has absolutely no brain and a homicidal attitude towards anything that threatens its master and would follow him anywhere.'" "I wish... for an acc-omodation, a room, lodgings, are your rooms clean, a roomwithaview, what is your rate for one night, what is for breakfast, where are the... bathrooms, sir?" "He's got plenty of money." "It'll be... two dollars then?" "And that thing has to stay in the stables." "Two." "Two-ah?" "Two-ah." "Two-ah." "Two." "Shower?" "It is." "Sapient pearwood." "Itsis sonbon... ride... toiletries?" "Toilet?" "May I be of assistance?" "Shove off, Rincewind." "It won't work." "It's the book, it tells him what to say." "It's magic." "So you're a wizard!" "And you speak Ankh-Morporkean!" " Yes." "I did a correspondence course." " What's all this about then?" "Well, a tourist should always use his phrasebook so that people will know you're one." "And... is that really your luggage?" "Yes." "And... are you really a wizard?" "I hear the famous Unseen University is a must see." "I was hoping to visit it so that when I get back home" " I could say, "I did that."" " Yeah, well, it's closed." "For..." "For..." "For the exams." " Where is your home?" " Have you heard of Bes Pelargic?" "It's the major seaport of the Agatean Empire." "That's the Counterweight Continent, isn't it?" "We may be small but we're equal in weight to all the major land masses of this hemicircle." "That's because the ancient legend..." "It says that it's made of gold." "It's not made of gold." "Gold is just a really common metal." "You might like to keep that..." "to ourselves." "On the house." " Who is he?" " He says he's a tourist." " What's that mean, then?" " I think it means idiot." "You are correct in your surmise." "This is, technically, false coinage." "I knew it, I knew it." "I got a nose for a dud un." " What do you mean, technically?" " Well, you see, our Ankh-Morpork coins... contain rather less gold than a pint of sea water." "I knew it!" "But this, my friend, is solid gold." "What?" "!" "I've gotta get back." "And so, the leaders of a number of the many gangs, guilds, and collections of other nefarious dirt bags of Ankh-Morpork were aware that someone had arrived in the city who appeared to have much treasure." "Including Emor, its greatest thief." "So..." "No... guards?" "No, why?" "What do I have that's worth stealing?" "Well, the trunk." "There can't be more than two very small wands made of sapient pearwood in all the cities of the circle sea, let alone a whole box." "That or the... the gold." "Barely 2,000 rhinu." "Is a rhinu one of those... big gold coins?" "Do you think I paid the innkeeper too much?" "I think he might have settled for less." "I can see I've got a lot to learn." "An idea occurs to me." "Rincewind, would you perhaps consent to be employed as a... perhaps the word guide would fit the circumstances." "I think I could afford to pay you a... a rhinu a day." "Oh, dear," "I've offended you." "It was an impertinent request, doubtless you have works of high magic to return to." "One of those a day?" " Two then?" " What do you want to see?" "I want to see everything." "I mean, genuine Morporkean life." "I want to go to the slave markets and the whore pits, the Temple of Small Gods, the Beggar's Guild... and a genuine tavern brawl." "No, no, I'm not suggesting we get involved." "I just wanna see it, that's all." "And some of your famous heroes, like..." "Cohen The Barbarian." " You do know him?" " Oh, yes, yes, of course!" "Good." "Well." "So, it's agreed?" " Agreed?" " Excellent!" "Be a good chap and see to it that the innkeeper shows my luggage to the room." "I insist you take your first four days' wages... in advance." "Broadman, luggage, room!" "And perhaps when the exams are finished, we could get a peek at the..." "Unseen University?" "This calls for a picture." "All the best wizards have left!" "See you, loser!" "Relax, Withel." "The magic chest will come back for its owner and, with it, the gold." "Yes, we'll just have a pic." "Just look over here, Rincewind, and smile." "Rincewind?" "Hi." "Halt!" "The city gates." "Attempting to leave." "The Patrician, the ruler of Ankh-Morpork, may not be particularly fair or even democratic but at least, for the first time in a thousand years, the city works." "This is largely because he knows where everyone is, most of the time, and which dissuasively vicious punishment to exact for whatever they are doing there." "Oath breaking." "The theft of a horse." "No, my Lord Patrician, I didn't steal the horse," "I paid for it fairly." "Using false coinage, which is technically theft, I think, false coinage." "What are we going to do with you, you little scamp?" "It's the Arena for you, Rincewind." "What?" "On top of these, there is the moral obligatory attendant of the cowardly betrayal of a visitor to these shores." "Shame on you, Rincewind." "Will you be requiring a sword or a spear for the Arena?" "A s-s-s-s..." "Of course... we could be merciful." "Should we be merciful?" " Two rhinu." " One Polyseal." "Oi!" "That's my door!" "Door's fine." "Why don't you join me, Zlorf?" "The Assassins' Guild are our friends." "I've come for the tourist." "I thought we had an agreement." "You don't rob, and I don't kill." "I'll kill him... and then you can rob him." "If anybody's going to kill him, they'll need to talk to me first." "Get those dwarves out of here!" "Who the hell are you?" "I am Rerpf and I'm here on behalf of the Guild Of Merchants And Traders to protect our interests." "Meaning... the little man." "And how long has this guild been in existence, may I ask?" "Since this afternoon." "I am Vice Guild Master in charge of... tourism." "And what is this..." "tourism, of which you speak?" "We're not quite sure." " What's a tourist?" " Smile!" "It's magic!" "I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say." "Otherwise, you will die." "In an interesting fashion." "Over a period." "Please stop fidgeting like that." "The Emperor of the Counterweight Continent sent me a letter." "It appears that one of his subjects has taken it into his head to visit our city." "It appears he wishes to... look at it." "You will continue to be a guide, Rincewind, to this..." "looker." "This-This..." "Twoflower." "You will make sure he returns home with a good report of our homeland." "What do you say to that?" "You say yes." "I say yes." "Yes, thank you, Lord." "Because... it would be a tragedy should anything... untoward happen to our visitor." "It will be dreadful if the tourist were to die, for example." "Because the Emperor looks after his own and he could certainly extinguish us at a nod, which would be dreadful for you, Rincewind, because I would hope, when the Empire's huge, mercenary fleet arrived," "that the avenging captains would find their anger somewhat tempered by the fact that my skilled operatives have just shown you the colour of your liver." "I see, by your face, that understanding dawns." "Good luck." "There's one other thing." "I'm sure... you wouldn't dream of trying to escape from your obligations by, say, running away." "I assure you, Lord, that the thought never even crossed my mind." "Indeed." "Then, if I were you, I would sue my face for slander." "Don't let me detain you." "You." "Alright, alright." "I give in." "Excuse me." "Rincewind, you came back!" " I knew you would." " I..." "I just had to." "It's exciting, isn't it?" "A genuine tavern brawl." "Better than anything I could have imagined." "Everybody say cheese!" "Do you think I should thank them or..." "Did you put them up to this?" " That's where you were!" " I..." "I didn't like to mention it." "Nice throw!" "We should be leaving." "Shooni!" " Beelziba!" " Smile!" "Magic!" "Collapsing spell." "Come along, we gotta go." "That's my luggage." "One more time!" "Attaboy." "So, where's Cohen The Barbarian?" "He's... right behind you." "Look, we really ought to be going." "Fantastic!" "No one at home is gonna believe this." "All you do is rotate the lever and the iconograph does the rest." "You wait here." "It's no good, I've run out of red." "If you wanted red, you shouldn't have took pictures of dwarves killing people." "It's monochrome from now on, friend, alright?" "That's the picture imp." "Yes, of course it is." "You know, Rincewind, I'd like to have you in the picture as well." "Smile please." "Smile." "Smile!" "What are we gonna see next?" "What a great day." "That's my favourite, with Cohen." "What the..." "Can you smell oil?" "I don't think so." "I'll kill that bloody cat." "Here, take this." "Thanks." "Don't mention it." "Tavern fights are pretty common around here, no?" "Yeah, well, it's practically a sport." "So, innkeepers must need a lot of... well, in my language, we'd call it in-ss-urance." "In-sewer-ants?" "That's a funny word, what's it mean?" "Well, say you have a tavern built of wood." "It might burn down." "You don't want that to happen, so you take out an in-sewer-ants poly-cee." "And then I work out the odds against it burning down and then add a bit." "And then you pay me some money, based on those odds." "Oh, no." "But, yes." "Well, then if it does burn down," "I pay you the value of the tavern." "It's a bit like a bet, right?" "A wager?" "Yes, I suppose it is." "Are you sure you can't smell oil?" "No." "I can smell burning." "Did you in-sewer the Drum?" "Luckily for Broadman, I still have the rhinu he paid as his first premium." "You bet Broadman that it wouldn't catch fire?" "Standard valuation 200 rhinu, why?" "Why do you ask?" "You-You dozy idiot!" "Just carry on as if I'm not here, Rincewind, your appointment is later." "What's next?" "We'll be hung, drawn and quartered if we stay here much longer." " Why?" " What do you mean, why?" "Why?" "!" "Look!" "The whole of Ankh-Morpork is made of wood." " What about my luggage." " Bugger your luggage!" "Tell you what, whoever started that fire, it'd be wise for them to find a fast horse and make themselves very scarce." "Thank you very much, Twoflower." "It says that Chirm is lovely at this time of year." "And very, very dangerous." "Really?" "That's the oil bond store going up." "Rincewind!" " Look at that over there." " Oh, dear God, no." "Oi!" "Oi, you!" "Come back here!" "That's my horse!" "Come back!" "I'm Rincewind." "The Octavo, greatest of all spell books, locked and chained deep in the cellars of the Unseen University." "The spells imprisoned in its pages lead a secret life of their own." "And Rincewind's departure from Ankh-Morpork has left them deeply troubled." "I can't remember it being like this before." "Not since that time a young wizard..." "Oh, dear." "I've expelled him, haven't I?" "Nobody knows where he is, Librarian." "Not even the Patrician's palace guard." "Though they seem to think he'll turn up, for some reason." "Look, he's the only person in living memory who has..." "actually touched the Octavo with his bare hands." "We have no idea the effect it will have on him in the outside world." "At least when he was a student, we knew where he was." "Perhaps I've been a bit hasty." "Who else knows about this?" "Nobody, Arch Chancellor." "Good." "Let's keep it that way, shall we?" "Apart from Greyhold Spold, of course." "His days are probably numbered anyway." "On the subject of which, I haven't seen old Narribolt recently." "That's because he's dead, Arch Chancellor." "I'm just glad nobody wants to be Head Librarian." "Perish the thought, Horace." "I am looking for a book." "New shoes?" "And new hat." "Mr Trymon." "How very neat and tidy." "Did you know... that in the event of the Arch Chancellor's sad demise, he would be succeeded by Greyhold Spold." "He's demonstrated remarkable powers of survival." "Up to now." "I think it's very important to strive for perfection, don't you?" "If you want to get to the very top, sir, yes." "The position of Head Librarian has never really appealed to you, sir?" "Good." "It is quite possible that the next Arch Chancellor may well smile upon those who understand the importance of things being well organised." "Is everything in order down there?" "Absolutely." "Everything is in... alphabetical order, quite." "So, this is the famous Octavo." "Famous and dangerous." "How long has it been like this?" "It's always been a bit strange, as far back as I can remember." "But, for some reason, it's got rather... lively." "Why?" "I don't know." "Who does?" "Greyhold Spold." "Before my time." "Greyhold Spold." "How convenient." "Rincewind?" "Twoflower?" "Twoflower!" "Twoflower!" ""Pit of Ultimate Despair."" ""Dread Tower of Darkness."" ""Traveller."" ""The Hospitable Temple of Bel-Shamharoth" "lies a thousand paces hubwards."" "Hubwards." ""The Wyrmberg and palace of the Dragon Lord lies a thousand paces rimwards."" "Dragons." "I've always wanted to see dragons." "Dragons it is." "Rincewind?" "!" "Your lifetime is up, Rincewind." " I can't hang around all day." " I can." " What have you done with the tourist?" " Nothing." "He was lured by the attraction of the Wyrmberg." "So at least the Patrician won't be sending out his men to kill me just yet then." "There is a distinct possibility that he may not need to." "What are you grinning at?" "I'm sorry, I can't help it." "Now, would you be so kind as to let go?" "It won't hurt." "Getting torn to pieces by wolves won't hurt?" "It will be over very quickly." "And, of course, they are an endangered species." "Atoni." "Who are you?" "!" "Oh, dear." "I wonder if it was something I said." "Don't think I owe you a debt of gratitude." "One of the consolations of being eaten by wolves was the fact that I would never have to have a near-death experience again, thanks to your owner!" "737, 738, 739." "Dragons." "Dragons. 741, 742, 743." "Dragons?" "Nobody believes in them any more." "I never really wanted to be Arch Chancellor anyway, so, if you're here for " "For the Octavo," "Mr Spold." "You're not here to..." "What about the Octavo?" "It's rather..." "troubled at the moment." "And it seems that you might be able to tell me why." "It's not all there, you know?" "As in mad?" "As in... one spell short of eight." "One of the eight spells is missing?" "Well, that's rather badly organised." "Certainly extremely dangerous." "So, where is it now?" "Do think very carefully, Mr Spold." "I... really wish I did know," "Mr Trymon." "Try breathing through this." "Dark in here, isn't it?" "Fire's gone out." "Rincewind!" "Attaboy, and you've brought the luggage." "It brought me." "It's amazing, isn't it?" "Yes, if you like the physically impossible." "I think it's just amazing." "Bit under populated though." "Listen." " Could it be the home of the dragons?" " Don't be ridiculous!" "Dragons don't exist." "All my life, I've wanted to see dragons." "I think..." "I don't believe in them!" "They don't exist!" "No, I just dazed, actually." "Who said that?" "Well, don't just lie there." " Pull me out!" " What?" "Come on, come on, pull me out." "You..." "You spoke!" "I'm a magic sword." "You weren't born with a birth mark in the shape of a crown, were you?" "No?" "Oh, just asking." " Were you with the other fellow?" " Might have been." "It's just the dragon's got him, and so I expect you'll be in a hurry to slay the dragon and rescue him in a fantastic feat of derring-do!" "Not really, no." "Come on." "Come on!" "Right, take a firm grip." "That's good." "Could be worse, this could have been an anvil." "Finally!" "The dragon's headed hubwards!" "Even if they did exist," "I'm not cut out for dragons." "Nothing to it." "I'll show you!" "Right, I suggest we start with the one in the trees." "Over there." "No, you don't." "You see, there's nothing there." "You can start with her instead." "I don't know how to be a hero." "Obviously." "But I propose to teach you." "Look, I'll be frank," "I've worked with far better material than you but it's either that... or I'll chop your head off!" " I mean it." " Alright, alright." "Good boy." "There's an ambitious wizard on the loose." "I think a certain degree of..." "vigilance would be in order." "Especially if he's talked to Trymon." "Any suggestions?" "Well, obviously, you attack." "Why didn't I think of that?" "Because you're a defeatist." "On your marks, get set," "go!" "I ever tell you about the time I was thrown into a lake?" "Let's have a look at you... madam!" "Where is the tourist?" "He's been taken back to the Wyrmberg." "What is this Wyrmberg?" "The Wyrmberg." "It is dragon home." "They don't exist." "But I suppose you'll be wanting to rescue your friend?" "My point precisely." "He's not my friend." "But I suppose you'd better take me to this..." "Wyrmberg of yours." "Listen." "I didn't..." "I didn't know dragons were see-through!" " Didn't you?" " No!" "Watch him as we get closer to the Wyrmberg." "That, at least, is very marginally better." " Jump now." " What?" "!" "Surrender." "Never." "Never." "Of course not." "He's a hero, isn't he?" "I taught him myself." "And what is your name, hero?" "So that we know... who you were." "My name is... is..." "Rincewind of Ankh." "And I am Liessa Dragonlady." "You are to challenge me in mortal combat." "No." "No, I can't." "You are mistaken." "Liort, help our hero into a pair of hog boots." "I am sure he is anxious to get started." "No, really!" " If you are looking after my..." " You will see your friend soon enough." "If you are religious, I mean." "None who enter the Wyrmberg ever leave again." "Except metaphorically speaking, of course." "My Trymon." "Good day, Arch Chancellor." "New new shoes and hat, huh?" "Well, you came to see me?" "I've taken the liberty of doing a little research." "About the Octavo, perhaps?" "It appears that one of the great spells is missing" "And you were wondering, purely for administrative purposes, where it might have got to." "Do you know, Arch Chancellor?" "If I did..." "I think I've forgotten." "Old Spold did." "Too late." "He's already popped his pointy shoes, hasn't he?" "He always had difficulty breathing, even before he managed to seal himself, in his own room, from the outside." "Great shame about Spold." "Just clouds." "I expect this is all some sort of a misunderstanding." "I expect they'll release me soon." "They seem rather civilised." "And when I get back,..." "I can tell people that I saw dragons." "Imagine that." "Dragons." "I obey, Lord." "Obey?" "Of course, Lord." "Open it?" "Arch Chancellor?" "Arch Chancellor?" "Such a great shame." "About?" "Spold, you mean?" " Is that all, Trymon?" " Yes, Arch Chancellor." "Very good." "Oh, Trymon?" "As you leave, could you tidy the sprung heavy axe device some prankster student has rigged above my door?" "It seems to have... malfunctioned." "I shall have it seen to, Arch Chancellor." "And I do hope Spold's shoes are not too small for you." "We fight to the death." "Yours." "I suppose I ought to warn you that..." "I have a magic sword." " That's me." " What a coincidence." "Hello!" "He-llo." "Prepare to be defeated." "I don't think so..." "Going well, isn't it?" "Call yourself a magic sword?" "Pah!" "Yeah, I do, actually." "Hang on, Rincewind." "Let go, damn you, or we'll both die." "That's easy for you to say." "What don't you save me?" "What have you got to lose?" "Is that you?" "Does that mean... that I'm gonna die?" "Let go!" "You're a fine-looking dragon, by the way." "Even if you did just turn up." "You summoned me, Master." "You have... the power." "You mean, I just thought of you and there you were?" "But I've thought of dragons all my life." "The power only works near the Wyrmberg." "As the dragons fly further away, we begin to dwindle and fade." "All Dragonlords have the power, as, of course, does the Dragonlady Liessa, who, incidentally, is trying to hack your friend to pieces as we speak." " What?" "!" " Shoot him!" "Ashoni!" "Ebriate!" "Oh, no, not you!" "How was that?" "You alright?" "What's the matter?" " Aren't you scared of heights?" " No, why should I be?" "You're just as dead if you fall from 40 feet as from 4,000 fathoms, that's what I say." "It's not the actual falling, it's more the hitting that worries me." "Do you think dragons can fly all the way to the stars?" "That would be something." "I think you might be mad." "That's where we camped." " I didn't tell you about the time..." " The sword!" " You alright?" " Oh, yeah." "Come on, now!" "Hyagh!" "Hyagh!" "Hello?" "!" "Magic sword here!" "If anyone can hear me out there, what I could do with now is someone who doesn't realize they're an orphan born in mysterious circumstances." "Are you alright?" "What's happening to the air?" "Oh, my." "Dragons." "Dragons, think of dragons." "Think of dragons!" "It won't work." "You don't really believe in them." "Dragons!" "Meanwhile, at the very edge of the world, the Krullians have not given up on their quest to determine the sex of the turtle." "Are the chelonauts ready, launch controller?" " Indeed, Arch Astronomer." " How long to the doorway?" "The launch window, your..." "Prominence." "12 hours, when Great A'Tuin's tail will be in an unmatched position to determine its... sex." "And all that remains is to find an appropriate couple of sacrifices." "The ocean shall provide." "It always does." "Look at the horizon." "It's alright." "Admittedly, there seems to be a lot less than there usually is." "We're being carried over the edge!" "We're going to run out of world!" "We are?" "I absolutely have to see that!" "Help!" "Rincewind." "Don't mind me." "I've got a book to read." "I don't want to leave this world!" "A prospect immensely troubling to the Octavo." "It's you." "I just came to see Arch Chancellor Weatherwax." "Do you have an appointment?" "I've never needed an appointment before." "Well, the Arch Chancellor's never been organised before." " It's just..." " Look," "The Arch Chancellor is going to have been very ill, quite soon." "And must not be disturbed." "Can you smell burning?" "Have I been smoking in my sleep?" "I could have sworn I was wearing my shoes." "Why don't you come with me instead?" "There's something I know you really want to show me." "Trymon." "Oh, dear." "You'd better not monkey around with it, or who knows what'll happen." "The last person who went near it..." "It was a long time ago." "All I'm saying is... he never passed any exams after." "As a matter of interest, after the last time, what exactly did they do..." "to Rincewind?" "I never said anything about Rincewind." "Rincewind?" "Did I say Rincewind?" "I meant whichever perpetual student wizard it was, who monkeyed around with the Octavo." "Rincewind." "So... when the spell left the Octavo," "where, exactly, did it go?" " Get off, will you?" "!" " Are you saying you want me to stop?" " Yes, stop, will you?" "!" " Stop saving your life?" "That's actually twice now." "Thank you." "Say again?" "I said thank you!" "Stop that." "Will you stop that?" "!" "Look, a polite shake of the hand, having first checked for poison needles in the palm, in that old, quaint," "Ankh-Morporkean tradition, would be sufficient!" "I'm on the edge of the world!" "Seeing things that most people can only dream of." "On an adventure of visions and wonders, unimaginable in one lifetime." "It's all thanks to you, Rincewind." "You forgot the near-death experiences." "I like to think of them as edge-of-life ones." "With the best guide a little old in-sewerance clerk from Bes Pelargi could ever hope for." "I would have been fine, of course." "Even falling from the Wyrmberg." "Because to stop falling to certain death is only a Level Two spell." "Actually, I was sort of hoping that you could do some... you know?" "What, magic?" "Like what?" "In a fight, you could turn people into worms." "Turning people into animals is an eighth-level spell." "Look... the thing is, I never really completed my training." "I only know one spell." "And even that I got by accident." "What does it do?" "Well, I don't know." "I suppose it could do anything." "But it's from the greatest spell book of all." "The Octavo." "The Octavo?" "How did you learn it?" "When I was a much younger student at the University," "I agreed to open the Octavo for a bet." "Pint of beer, I think it was." "It was as if it was waiting for me." "I only had a second before the spell leapt from the book and settled in my memory like a toad in a stone." " Well, then what happened?" " Well, they dragged me out and thrashed me, of course." "Never did get the pint of beer." "What did the spell say, exactly?" "It had vanished from the page, so nobody will know what it says until I say it." "Or until I die, of course, and then it'll, sort of, say itself." " And nobody knows..." " ... what it does?" "To know that, you would need to be Arch Chancellor." "Now you tell me!" "Why didn't we go over the edge?" "Because our log hit that rope." "I think it's called the Circumfence." "It runs around the edge of the world." "No, you mean the circumference." "The circumference goes round the edge of things." "So does the Circumfence." "I suppose that's the Rimbow." "It's just so beautiful." "Great." "It's a nice view before we die." "Do you see the eighth colour?" "That's the colour of magic." "Bet you there are a lot of other worlds down there." "Yes, quite a number." "Look, there's one." "Hey, that star's new." "Perhaps we should name it." "What's the point?" "Who will we tell?" "We're never gonna get off this rock." "Unless we get in the boat." "Well, unless we get in the..." "What boat?" "That boat." "Of course, I could stay here forever." "On balance, I know I should be very suspicious of that boat but I do like the idea of getting back to dry land." "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." "Civilisation." "Lovely to see you're still here, Arch Chancellor." "Do you know what happens..." "when a wizard dies?" "All the spells that he has memorised say themselves." "It's one of the first things we learn." "It's not quite true with the eight great spells." "A great spell will simply find refuge in the nearest mind ready and open to receive it." "There you are." "You are going to recapture the spell... from its host?" "Allow for wind speed, say, three knots." "Adjust for temperature." "There." "Of course, it'll take a while to get there and kill Rincewind, then the spell will immediately return along the ionised path, back here, to me." "Remarkable." "If, dare I say... a little old fashioned." "As for what happens when all eight spells are spoken together, it might interest a wizard now, is it not?" "Especially when they aspire... to wear the big shoes of all." "Becoming your second has always been the limit of my ambition." "Yes, of course it has." "I wish only to acquire knowledge, master." "Which, as we know,... is power." "And so, for the furtherance of my knowledge, master," "when the eight spells are said..." "To receive that ultimate nugget, you'll have to do much better than that, young man." "I congratulate you, master," "I can see that we must all get up very early in the morning if we are to get the better of you." "Early in the morning?" "My dear lad, you'll have to stay up all night." "Come." "Galder." "It's the Octavo." "It's going... really ape." "Right." "What's going on here?" "Why are the spells so restless?" "The key." "So, back in civilisation." "Yes, it looks like civilisation to me." "Welcome to Krull." "My name is Marchesa." "I hope you're not proposing to enslave us." "Certainly not." " Good." " You will, in fact, be sacrificed." "Thank you for another fine mess, Twoflower." "Come on!" "Here we are, completely trapped in a palace, on an island we have no hope of leaving." "And, what's more, we've..." "Look at all those worlds." "It's fantastic." "Wonder who's gonna be wearing those suits?" "Someone who isn't going to be sacrificed, that's who." "In the annals of the exploration of our cosmos, many have been the valiant efforts of our cosmochelonians and astrozoologists, in their quest for knowledge of the Great A'Tuin." "And you said we had no way of escaping." "Just keep walking, they'll never know it's us." "But I wasn't expecting an audience." "As soon as we get a chance, we'll make a run for it, OK?" "But never... has the bravery of those who laid down their live before, in the pursuit of the answer to the ultimate question of the sex... of the turtle, been more valid by those who, today, venture forth..." " to certain death." " Depths." "Depths!" "These two... specially-trained highly-skilled chelonauts will be honoured" "by the chronicles of Krull." " Is there a toilet in this suit?" " I don't think so." "It's just that I think I need to boldly go." "I give you... heroes!" "Not just of Krull, but of the galaxy!" "On the count of three, we make a run for it, that way." "I don't think it's them." "You don't think anyone's realised, do you?" "Guards!" "Guards!" "To the top of the ship!" "They won't dare shoot at that." "Back up?" "Not for me, I'm off." "Perhaps you're right." "To the library!" "Quick!" "Head Librarian?" "To the Great Hall!" "I wonder if they're gonna send this ship over the edge?" "Stop, now!" "This time, I'm definitely going to die." "Surrender!" "Now, listen." "We'll tell them that we'll damage the thing unless they let us go." "Right?" "And that's all we're gonna do, right?" "That's it." "It'll lift off now." "Stop where you are!" " What was that?" " What was what?" "I thought I heard something." "Twelve..." "That's good, make it look like you're damaging it." "Ten..." " I think it's stuck." " Push it!" "You're not messing about with anything in there, are you?" " No, of course not." " Oh, good." "What is the Octavo doing?" "To the roof!" "To the Tower Of Art!" "How many steps are there?" "Eight thousand, eight hundred..." "And eighty eight." "Heave!" "Nine..." "Nine..." " What was that?" " It doesn't seem to wanna go!" "What?" "Nine, eight..." " That's it, I fixed it!" " Fixed what?" "We've gotta get off this thing." "One!" "Lift-off!" "The stars!" "The whole damn sky, full of worlds!" "Places no-one's ever gonna see, except us!" "I've not seen that one before." "I don't know the significance of the star, but that... that mist is important." "So, what's happening?" "I fear... the only way to find out exactly is to perform the Rite Of AshkEnte." "Thank you, Arch Chancellor." "Nice try." "That mist is a change spell, created by the Octavo." "The whole world is changing." "For the better, I think." "That's so pretty." "I really should name it." "Has anybody seen the Arch Chancellor?" "And how can I help you?" "I'll give it a name, Goodbye World!" "I understand that the Octavo is anxious not to lose the eighth spell." "As much as it pains me to say this," "Rincewind must not die." "Death." " I've sent someone to find him." " Who?" "Gentlemen, the light... fantastic!" "The star is life, not death." " Are those things demons?" " He's opened a pathway." " Who are you?" " Cohen." "The Barbarian!" "We have gone beyond... wisdom." "In the competitive world of wizardry, the way... to the top is via dead men's pointy shoes." "Even if you have to empty them yourself." "There is simply no room for your kind of person in a modern university." "What are we going to do with you, you little scamp?" "Is everything in order down there?" "So, this is the famous Octavo." "Famous and... dangerous." "You'll continue to be a guide, Rincewind, to this..." "Twoflower." "He says he's a tourist." "You'll make sure that he returns home with a good report of our homeland." "What do I have worth stealing?" "Well, the trunk." "It would be a tragedy should anything..." "untoward happen to our visitor." "We're going to run out of world!" "I absolutely have to see that!" "I can't remember it being like this before." "One of the eight spells is missing?" "Do you think it could be the home of the dragons?" "Don't be ridiculous, dragons don't exist." "When the spell left the Octavo, where, exactly, did it go?" "Ashoni!" "To the library!" "Head Librarian?" "Nobody knows what it does." "To know that, you would need to be Arch Chancellor." "And how can I help you?" "That star's new." "The Krullians have lost a number of volunteers over... the edge of the world trying to discover the sex of the turtle which carries the Disc." "The whole damn sky, full of worlds!" "Places no-one's ever gonna see, except us!" "The result of their latest efforts proves that whatever people say, there is such a thing as a free lunch." "Currently, Twoflower, the Discworld's first tourist is rapidly leaving it in an attempt to escape Krull." "This attempt has been 1,000 per cent successful." "Although this means he may also be the Disc's last tourist, he is enjoying the view." "Meanwhile, some way above Twoflower, Rincewind... isn't enjoying the view at all." "Only Great A'Tuin, the world turtle, knows... why it's heading towards the star." "Those on the Disc are due to find out in about... two days and then they're really going to worry." "The Octavo, the greatest spell book of all, is so worried... about all this, that it must take action of its own." "Oh, great, the ground is gonna break my fall." "The Colour of Magic, Episode Two The Light Fantastic" "Did I just leave the world, only to land back on it again?" "Yes, you did." "Why?" "Why, why?" "!" "We're not going anywhere." "Look at that." "Is it me or is that getting bigger?" "Is the turtle flying straight towards it," "I ask you?" "!" "Well, wizards say we always miss the stars." "But has anyone seen one get this close before?" "!" "No!" "Where are the wizards when we need them?" "!" "Wizards out!" "Wizards out!" "Wizards out!" "Wizards out!" "One small step for a wizard, into the unseen." "One giant leap for the Unseen University." "Would the student body please acknowledge... the 305th Arch Chancellor?" "Let it be known that although limited personnel... alterations have been made, one or two other significant things will be changing." "For the tidier." "As none of us have received guidance as to... the events of this morning... and, there seems to be a degree of, quite unnecessary, anxiety amongst the populous about the star..." "I propose that we perform the Rite Of AshkEnte." "After its own space odyssey, many miles from" "Ankh-Morpork, in the Vortex Plains, the Luggage has plans of its own." "I said, our guest, whose name is legend, must tell us truly, what is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?" "The crisp horizon." "The wind in your hair." "A fresh horse underneath you." "Or is it the sight of your enemy, slain?" "The humiliation of his tribe and the lamentation of his women?" "What you say?" "They said, our guest, whose name is legend, must tell us truly." "Oh, pish." "Hot water." "Good... dentistry." "And soft..." "lavatory paper." "Hadesire desurps decorum demonia, AshkEnte!" "Rise up, oh, creature of earth and darkness!" "We do charge thee to abjure from I was at a party, you know." "It is said that you can see both the past and the future." "Correct." "Then, perhaps you can tell us why is the red star getting bigger?" "Because the turtle is flying towards it." "Why?" "For a purpose that has nothing to do with me." "Then... perhaps you can tell us what exactly happened this morning." "I understand that the Octavo was anxious not to lose the eighth spell." "Hold on." "It was dropping off the Disc, apparently." "Hold on." "Are we talking about the spell... that is inside the head of Rincewind?" "That he's been carrying around all these years?" "Yes." "Any idea why?" "All I know is that all the spells have to... be said together at Solstice or many worlds will be destroyed." "Destroyed?" "It's an ancient prophecy, written on the inner... walls of the Great Pyramid of Tsort." "Can you tell us where Rincewind is now?" "The Forest of Skund." "Rimwards of the Ramtop Mountains." "Feeling very sorry for himself." "Hello?" "Anybody out there?" "Twoflower?" "Oh." "Now, may I go?" "Oh." "Yes." "I hope it's a good party." "I think it might go downhill at midnight." "Why?" "That's when they'll be taking my mask off." "Hmm." "Evening." "I'm looking for anything we've got on the Pyramid of Tsort." "Ooook." "Yes." "Hmmm." "Oook." "Ah." "Thank you." "Whoever says all the spells together, when the Disc is in danger..." "Oook!" "Oook!" "Yes, yes, the star, I know." "will gain... ultimate... power..." "Ook." "Oook." "..to save the world." "Yes, and that." "Now, listen, if you were to... oook this... to any members of the faculty, you will be disciplined." "Ook." "It's not as if bananas grow on trees." "As much as it pains me to say this, Rincewind must not die." "At least,... not until we bring him back here." "And empty his head." "Rincewind!" "Go away." "Go away." "Rincewind!" "I'm not listening, I'm not listening." "Rincewind!" "It's me, Twoflower." "He's dead!" "And he's inside my head." "Why me?" "Why me?" "!" "Why..." "Twoflower?" "Isn't an amazing thing that we ended up back on the world?" "I must have done something really bad to have got stuck with you." "The turtle must have caught us somehow." "Why would it do that?" "I don't know, do I?" "Anyway, where are we?" "Oh." "Aargh!" "Alive or dead?" "Well, since we need him to say the spell, in order to save the worlds," "I suspect alive might be better." "To save the worlds What does that mean?" "I don't know." "But as long as one of the worlds he saves is ours," "I shall consider it a most satisfactory outcome." "It's extraordinary." "It looks like they're gonna have a ceremony." "Ancient and traditional ritual, probably dating... back thousands of years to celebrate the, um, the, um" "All that Golden Bough and Cycle of Nature stuff... just boils down to sex and violence." "Usually both at the same time." "I think we ought to be going." "Come on, let's go!" "If only I had my picture box." "Oh, there you are." "It's very loyal." "Yes, if loyalty is what you look for in a suitcase." "Come on, look, we ought to leave." "Is she a druidess?" "I don't think so." "Look, you're not going to like this next bit, I promise you." "I want to stay." "Ceremonies like this hark back to a primitive simplicity" "If you must know, they're going to sacrifice her." "What, kill her?" "Well, it wouldn't be much of a sacrifice if they didn't, would it?" "Couldn't they just use flowers, berries and things?" "You know..." "Sort of symbolic?" "No self respecting high priest is gonna go through all the... business and trumpets and processions and then shove his knives in a daffodil and a couple of plums, is he?" "Get out of it." "Come on." "No." "Really." "Honestly, please." "Um, I say there." "Yes, I say, may I have a word there, sir?" "I'm sorry to intrude, I don't mean to be a bother." "I was just there and I saw what looks to be a lovely and appraising?" "uprising?" "out here  what the purpose..." "I just wondered if you would reconsider for a moment the idea of sacrificing..." "Tell me what that other idiot holds on with, or you ll be a dead man." "I can't bring her back, you see, with the blood and the white dress..." "His name is TwoFlower and is not from these paths parts..." "Good." "Look like it." "What I m looking for... is the box full of treasure, with the legs." " The Star!" "The Star!" " Oh look, it's getting bigger." " Have you ever done this sort of thing before?" "What sort of thing?" "Rushed into a temple, killed the priest, stole all the gold and rescued the girl?" " Not with too many words, no." " You're doing all this." "Let's go." " It's alright." " Bloody well isn't..." "Why do people always going spoil things?" "You've just been saved from absolutely certain death." "It's not easy around here, you know." "I mean, keeping yourself..." "I mean... staying," "I mean, not letting myself..." "Not losing your qualifications!" "I could have been up there with the moon goddess by now, drinking mead out of a silver bowl." "Eight years of staying home on Saturday nights, just straight down the drain!" "Where am I now?" "You're dreaming." "Can I wake up, please?" "No." "You have a very important task ahead of you." "Rincewind?" "Rincewind, are you in there?" " There's not even a flesh wound." " Rincewind?" "Can you hear me Rincewind?" " What's up with the girl?" " She won't let us rescue her." "Doubt that." "No!" "Don't just lie there you daft cow, help me up." "Are you sure you can't hear me in there Rincewind?" "Many years ago we arranged for one of our numbers to hide in your head." "Who are "we" exactly?" "We are the the seven spells and our task is to see that nothing dreadful happens to the eighth, Rincewind" "It is most important that you don't let the wizards take the spell from you." "All eight spells must be said at the... right time or terrible things will happen." "And they must not be said by the wrong people." " The wizards..." " Precisely." " Am I in the Octavo?" "In certain metaphysical respects, yes." "Why are you screaming?" "I'm inside a bloody book, talking to voices I can't see... and you ask me why I'm screaming?" "It is very important you safeguard the spell in your head and bring it back to us at the University in time for the Solstice, so when... the moment is precisely right, we can be said." "Why should anyone want to say you?" "It is the star." "You see, the turtle is heading towards it because " "No, no, no!" "Stop, stop, stop, stop." "You've totally ruined my life, you do realise that, don't you?" "!" "I could have really made it as a wizard... if you hadn't used me as a portable spell book." "I can't remember any other spells because they're... all too frightened to be in the same head as you." "Look at it like this then, as soon as... the spell is said, you'll be rid of it." "And us." "Forever." " When's the Solstice?" " Hey." " Two days time, I think." " We've got to go." "Right now." "Won't the Druids be celebrating the Solstice here?" "Probably not." "Are you sure?" "'cause I'd really like to stay here." "But Ankh-Morpork is THE place to be on Solstice." " Oh, Rincewind, if we're not gonna be here..." "Oh, to feel the cobbles under your feet" " and the old familiar smell of the cesspits." "They're at their very best this time of year." " The place that I feel I really..." " I want to take you home." "Home to the potatoes they sell at the fried fish stall, at the junction of the Street Of Cunning Artifices and Midden Street." "Yeah, potatoes..." "Rincewind, this was a lovely fight, but what I really wanna see is the Temple at Bel-Shamharoth" " Potatoes, I hear you calling." "What did you say?" "I want to see the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth." "Not the home of the giant terrifying spider... from which no-one has ever returned alive?" "That's the one." "Oh..." "Right." "Of course, the River Snarl runs right past it." " Well, that settles it then." "On our way to the Solstice celebrations at Ankh-Morpork." "I can hear the potatoes calling." "Right." " Shut up." " I don't like the sound of that." "What shall we do?" "Um." "Panic?" " That's him!" " Wizards." "Panic!" " Have they come to celebrate the Solstice?" "Quick, in there." "Rincewind!" "They know you." "We've got you surrounded!" "Come back with us to see Arch Chancellor Trymon and everything will be alright." "You have his word." "It's nice they want you back." "Even by wizards' standards," "Trymon is a nasty piece of work." "Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the very easy way." " What's the easy way?" "You come out not covered in burning leaf mould." " What is the very easy way?" " We set fire to the sacrificial pyre." "With you in it." "How do you think it'll end?" "If that Star is an omen, it looks like we're all going to die" "We should name it now then." "Might, as well." "How about... the Death Star?" "Oh, don't be daft, what sort of name is that?" "!" "The Death Star?" "!" "Who cast a spell?" "You didn't see that Trymon out there, did you?" "Trymon, no, why?" "Well, for a minute there, I thought we were in trouble." "Oh." "A little bit earlier would have been nice." "Oh, Twoflower!" "Twoflower!" "All wizards must die!" "If the wizards can't get rid of th star, they should... cease all magic and commit suicide in good order." "If they're going to be like that, personally, I'd let them burn." "All wizards must die!" "The fact is, the star is getting bigger." "And without Rincewind's spell, there's nothing we can do about it." "I looked in the Mirror of Oversight." "I used the Runes of M'haw." "May I make it clear that I tried both the Runes... and the Mirror and the entrails of a manicreach." "Any good?" " so nobody knows where he is now?" " no." "In times of crisis, one must be wise." "And wise men do what the times demand." "Twoflower, Twoflower." "Come on, wake up." "We've got to go" "Alright, if that's the way you want it..." "Let me rest me back." "Twoflower." "Wakey-wakey." "Come along, lad." "There's some liniment stuff in the saddlebag, if you wouldn't mind." "Who are you?" "Cohen, is me name." "Cohen, the barbarian?" " The very same." " Oh, hang on, hang on." "Cohen is a great big chap, built like a bull." "Chest muscles like a sack full of footballs." "He's the Disc's greatest warrior!" "He's a legend in his own lifetime." " My grandfather used to tell me..." " yeeesss" "That's right, boy." "I'm a lifetime in me own legend." "You were the greatest." "Bards still sing songs about you." "I never get any royalties." "That's the saga of my life." "80 years in the business and what have I got to show for it?" "Back ache, piles, bad digestion and a hundred different recipes for soup." "Soup, I hate soup!" "It's me teeth, you see." "No-one takes you seriously when you've got no teeth." "They say, "Sit by the fire, Granddad, and have some soup."" "That's a nasty cough you've got there, mind." "Yes, yes, I know." "I'm sorry." "It's just that..." "Come on, wake up!" "He's gone." "What, dead?" " I've got to get him back to Ankh-Morpork." "Well, he's not exactly dead." " He can't die, the Patrician will kill me." "He's just... gone." "He's gone?" "Where?" "Can't I get him back?" "I don't know, but I think I know someone who might have a map." "A necromancer." "What's neg romance?" "No, necromance is talking to the dead." "Course, I don't believe in tarot cards." "I mean, all that stuff about it being old wisdom from the universe, ha, lot of old rubbish." "The Star." "It has nothing to do with me." "Four of elephants." "The ace of turtles." "Death." "Is he really dead?" "She said it's a sort of medicine." "So if you want to see your friend in this world again," "I should drink it if I were you." "Well, if you're sure it's OK." "Can't make the beer taste any worse, can it?" "Well, he did take a spell for me, so..." "here goes." "Well, actually, it doesn't taste too bad." "Oh, where am I going?" "Don't look back." "But where am I going?" "Twoflower?" "Twoflower?" "Twoflower." "There you are." "What an amazing clock." "Rincewind, where are we, exactly?" "We're... sort of..." "informally dead." "Come along." "Look, we haven't got tim to take pictures, let's go." "It won't take very long." "Poor light!" "Three bloody years in F8 if you ask me." "Do your best." "Look, what do you wanna take pictures for?" "Can't you just... remember it?" "Well, in years to come, when I'm sitting by the fire " "You'll be sitting by the fire permanently if we don't get out of here!" "This way." "Come on." "Oh, I do hope you're not going." "I so seldom have company." "We..." "We really mustn't keep you." "Get ready to run." "Oh, but..." "I've never been at Death's door before." "Right, now, run!" "Don't look back!" "Don't look back!" "Mustn't look back!" "There are worse things than being dead, you know." "Name two." "That always annoys me." "I might as well as install a revolving door." "If I've got time." "Rincewind?" "Hello." "Did I move at all?" "No." "You just looked at the fire, as if you'd seen a ghost." "Oh, you're alive." "But no thanks to yourself, Mr, "Would you like... berries while you stick your sickle in my head?"" "No hugging!" "I do not hug." "My head." "You've been ill." "You've been... hallucinating." "Hmm." "Well, if I've been hallucinating, I bet I took some great pictures." "Ah!" "No." "No, no, no." "You can't." "No picture-ography." "The Horse people are very superstitious." "I'll put this in the Luggage for you." "You'd better not be going somewhere next where we need too much black." "It wasn't like that." "It was a little cottage and..." "You see what you see, I paint what I see and I only see what's really there, see?" "Um, what happened to old Galder's chair, the one with lion arms and the duck's feet?" " Oh, that." "I had it burnt." "But it was a priceless magical artefact." "A genuine piece of..." "Now, may I draw your attention to the agenda?" "What does a... genda do?" "It's simply a list of things that we need to discuss." "Top of which... is the matter of Rincewind." "And the Star." "People are agitating, you know." "That is item number two on the agenda." "Item number one is the fact that you have failed to find him." "So what are you suggesting we do about it?" "I'm not suggesting anything." " I've sent someone to find him." " Who?" " A hero." " On whose authority?" " Mine." "I need no other." "You've hired a blood-thirsty idiot who can't walk or think at the same time..." "The hero, even at this moment, galloping towards the Vortex Plains, doesn't get involved in trading insults with wizards." "Not just because they don't take it seriously, but because this particular hero is, in fact, a heroine named Herrena." "The Horse People have decided..." "They hold Cohen in the highest regard." " Cohen?" "The Barbarian?" " I was going to mention that." "But, back in Ankh-Morpork you said..." "I lied." "The Horse People have decided to give you mounts... and directions to the River Snarl, where you can catch a ferry back to the Circle Sea." "You lied?" "I'd like to thank you very much because... you've been most helpful and it will be very, um,... different without you." "You don't wish us to accompany you?" "Oh, no, we'll be fine." "These... are... dangerous times." "Yes, I know but, um,..." "I'm beginning to cope very well with these near-death experiences." "I just can't believe it's Cohen The Barbarian." "Is he, perhaps, being sarcastic?" "No, no, he's always like that." "He's got eyes, hasn't he?" "Yes, but, um, he doesn't see things as other people do." "Take this yert, for example." "It's..." "Well, it's dark and greasy and smells like a very ill horse." "Yes." "Hmm." "Yes, but he would say that it smells like the curious and rare resins plundered by green-eyed warriors from the edge of civilisation." "You know, so on and so on." "Well, the snake warriors are the..." "I could tell him to shut up." "No, I..." "I like his eyes." "They can see for 50 years." "I shall accompany you... for the reason that if anything should happen... to you, the legend would be besmirched." "But also on the count of me chilblains." "I'm coming too!" "In case Cohen needs anything..." "It seems brighter now." "What is it?" "Why does everyone look at me?" "I don't know what it is this item." "It's probably a comet or something." "I wonder if it's a sign." "Will it be burned up?" "Well, how the hell would I know?" "I've never been hit by a comet before, have I?" "Walk on." "Have you combed your beard?" "Eh?" "I think she's taken a bit of a shine to you." " If I was 20 years younger." " Yes?" "I'd be 67." "Me, riding with Cohen the Barbarian." "Who could possibly attack us now?" "It is indeed a hundred miles rimwards to the River Snarl, across the high plains and down to the gloomy pine forest, that lies rather closer than is comfortable to the Trollbone Mountains." "The clue is in?" "isn't?" "the title." "Did we really have to stop?" "The River Snarl can't be that far away." "The ferryman doesn't work at night, so we might as well get some rest." "Besides, my feet are killing me." "You'd have quite nice feet if only you looked after them." "You don't get to meet many chiropodists in my line of work." "I've met any amount of snake priests, mad... gods, war lords." "Never any chiropodists." "I suppose it wouldn't look right, really." "Cohen against the chiropodists." "Or Cohen and the Chiropractors of Doom?" "Or Cohen and the mad dentists." "What's funny about that?" "Nothing in particular." "I don't blame you." "It's hard being a hero when you've got no teeth." "Don't matter what else you lose." "You can get by with one eye even." "But show them a mouthful of gums and no-one has any respect." " I do." "Why don't you have a new pair made for yourself?" "Well, I do have trouble masticating." "Huh?" "I beg your pardon." " You know, chewing." " Oh, yeah, chewing." "They're called den-chures(dentures)." "Time chewers?" "Dentures!" "Lots of people wear them where I'm from." "What?" "And they don't just have to eat soup?" "No!" "That has to rank as the most pathetically... easy ambush in swordswoman history." " I've no idea why you're so important." " Important?" "To who?" "The wizards." "The wizards." "At the Unseen University." "For some reason, they want me to take you back." "It's a short ride hubwards to the ferry at the River Snarl." "From there, we'll be at Ankh-Morpork by morning." "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Do you think we could drop by the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth on the way?" "Only if you want to ride a thousand miles rimwards in the wrong direction." "You mean you can't reach the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth by the River Snarl?" "No, of course not." "Oh." "Well, at least we'll be in Ankh-Morpork... for the special Solstice celebrations." "Oh, yes." "What special Solstice celebrations?" "Never heard of them." "So my... guide wasn't going to take me to Bel-Shamharoth at all, was he?" "No." "It was too dangerous." "Do you want half your money back?" "Do you want all your money back?" "Look, it's not about money." "We're supposed to be friends." "We shook on it." "Look, if you must know the truth, I only agreed to be your guide because the Patrician of Ankh-Morpor said he'd do... unspeakable things to me if... if I didn't!" "So there you have it." "Thank you for being honest." "Well..." "Well..." "They don't even celebrate the Solstice in Ankh-Morpork, do they?" "No." "And I'm probably the worst wizard this side of the Circle Sea." "And I thought everything was going so well." "Well, you thought wrong." "You're in great danger, you've got to put the fire out!" "No, you're in great danger." "The fire stays." "Don't try to distract me." "No, it's..." "You've obviously never heard of the legend of Old Granddad." "I knew it was around here somewhere." "When a troll gets older he gets bigger and bigger." "And this is a very old troll." "Everyone knows trolls keep away from fire." "But this specific troll... can't." "Can't?" "Can't?" "No, because you've lit the fire on his tongue!" "Come on, you two." " Cohen!" " Get up, you silly cow." "Come on, run!" "I think we're going home in an envelope." "If complete and utter chaos was likely, then being tied to you is like standing on a hill top in a thunder storm wearing a wet copper armour and shouting, "All gods are idiots."" "Thank you." "It wasn't a compliment!" "Come on, let's stand up." "Well,..." "I'm off to see Bel-Shamharoth." "Good luck and I hope the spider eats you." "So the Patrician." "I'm going home to Ankh-Morpork." "Fine." "Fine." "Happy now?" "I don't want to talk about it." "We're going to Ankh-Morpork." "This isn't exactly what I had in mind." "Is it just me, or does that look rather like a very large target?" "Destroy those wizards!" "Destroy those wizards!" "The trouble is, the Arch Chancellor is just not a team player." "There is, of course, the tradition of dead men's pointy shoes." "You mean create a vacancy in the Arch Chancellor's department sort of thing?" "Very well." "We need a volunteer." "Anyone?" "Any... one?" "Everyone then." "Ooook." "You're not the usual ferryman." "I've been here before." "The usual man is a big fellow." "OK." "Two of you, grab him." "Daft cow." "You, shut up." "Let's see what's under that robe." "Kill them both." "I'll deal with those old fool." "Time to get going." "Come on!" "I say, well done!" "Excellent, sir." "Pulled my back." "I don't know who you are or where you're from, and... there's nothing personal about this, you understand." "Are you OK?" "Oh, the back... is... is cured." "My father used to recommend hanging from a door." "We really ought to be going." "I don't suppose you'd be interested in selling the luggage?" "Oh, no, I couldn't possibly do that." "I was looking for a present for Bethan, you see." "We're getting married." "That's great." "We thought you ought to be the first to know." "This is cause for celebration." "I'm pretty sure I have some travel biscuits and water in my luggage." "You serious about getting married?" "Any objections?" "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "No, I was just thinking, you know, that's she's... in her twenties and you..." "are of the elderly persuasion." "Time I settled down, you mean?" "No, I was thinking more of the, um,... physically, the age difference." "About... (having sex?" ")" "Oh, I see what you mean." "The strain." "I hadn't looked at it like that." "I hope I haven't upset anything." "Oh, no, no, no, don't apologise." "You were right to point it out." "You know, sometimes, you just have to take risks." "Now, don't be offended, but I think we'll go ahead with the wedding anyway... and, er, well,... just have to hope she's strong enough." "Will we get to Ankh-Morpork by dawn?" "Absolutely." "Right, who wants how to learn how to row a ferry to Ankh-Morpork?" "The reason that I have gathered you here today... ..is to announce that there will be a meeting." "With an agenda." "With just one item on it." "An agendum." "I'm sorry?" "We're assuming that this must be to do with... the news that your hero has failed to capture Rincewind." "I don't recall you being minuted to talk!" "There will be a meeting..." "to consult the Octavo." "With only seven spells?" "Are you sure that's wise,..." "Arch Chancellor?" "We have gone beyond..." "Wisdom." "Ankh-Morpork." "Pearl among cities." "There's no city in the multiverse that can rival Ankh-Morpork for its smell." "Look!" "Come on." "Wizard, why have you let us down?" "What's he doing?" "This is what I've been looking for." "We'll join you shortly." "What, the jewellers?" "It's a surprise." "You... wait here, Beth." "Excuse me." "Why is everyone leaving?" "The Star is gonna crash into the Disc." "We're all gonna burn up and die." "The Star is life, not death." "What?" "What what?" "Your voice, it just went all crackly." "It didn't sound like you." "It's the spell, it's trying to take me over." "It knows what's going to happen." "Why are they painting all the stars?" "They think it'll ward it off or something?" "No, that's not gonna work." "I think I know what will." "Come on." "The strangest thing I've ever made." "But practical, I'll give you that." "What did you say they were called again?" "Dentures." "Made from troll's teeth." "This is Bethan, my betrothed (fiancee)." "Is there anywhere round here where I can get a wedding dress?" "And a steak." "What are..." "What are you doing?" "Ridding the Disc of wickedness." "That's the Necrotelecomnicon." "Yes." "Wizards use it to contact the dead." "How did you know that?" "Oh, I just, you know, just guessed." "He's got a big box on legs.." "He looks like a wizard." "Gentlemen,... the Light Fantastic!" "We're safe, so long as we don't touch the book." "Let's see." "To appease it, the thing that is the guardian,... ..be silenced and return to the darkness." "Oh, what am I talking about, I can't do magic." "What?" "When I look at you, all I see is a wizard." "You're a wizard." "Act like it." "Alright, stand back or I'll fill you full of magic!" "All the magic's gone." "The Star's taken it away." "I mean it." "Ashonti perucha ...bealzeboar!" "Right, that's far enough!" "We're heavily armed..." "What about..." "What Where is the Luggage?" "Where's your luggage?" "Well, I often don't know where my luggage is, that's what being a tourist is all about." "Right." "I have a wizard and I'm not afraid to use him." "To the Great Hall, gentlemen." "He has locked it!" "The Star has spots on it." "No, they're not spots, they're..." "they are... they're things." "Things that go round the... round the..." "Star." "Like the sun goes round the Disc." "They're closer because... because..." "They're definitely spots." "Come on." "False wizards must die!" "False wizards must die!" "False wizards must die!" "False wizards must die!" "False wizards must die!" "False wizards must die!" "The lower cellars are this way." "Anything that wheezes like that can't possibly be dangerous." "Don't look back." "Is anyone out there?" "!" "Please!" "Hello?" "Who's there?" "Aargh!" "It's Rincewind." "Yes, that's right, it's Rincewind." "Rincewind." "Did you bring the spell?" "Er, yes." "Who's in there?" "The masters of wizardry." "The masters!" "Why are you in there?" "We got locked in." "What, with the Octavo?" "The Octavo, in fact, is... not here." "Now, look, this is going to need a bit of magic, so be a good fellow, run along and find a wizard, would you?" "Run along and find a wizard?" "!" "Alright, stand back." "Find something to hide behind." "What for?" "Oh, he means it." "You see that vein bulging in his forehead?" "He's serious." "Will you shut up?" "Did you see Trymon on the way down here?" "No." "Why?" "Because he's stolen the Octavo." "Him." "I always said he'd go a long way." "He'll go a lot further if he opens that book." "Why?" "What will happen?" "Well, one mind can't hold all the spells." "It'll break down and leave a hole." "In his head?" "Um, no, in the fabric of the universe." "He might think he can control it by himself but..." "But he hasn't got the spell in your head." "So..." "Come on!" "He's done it." "He's opened a path way." "Are those things demons?" "Demons would be a picnic compared with what's trying to come through up there!" "What do you propose to do about it?" "Oh, it's all over, do you see?" "You can't put the spells back in the book." "You can't unsay what has been said." "You can try." "Nooooo!" "Get out of my way!" "Wait!" "Hold it, hold it." "Listen... you don't understand." " There's unimaginable horrors up there." "I've always wanted to do something like this." "I mean..." " this is an adventure, isn't it?" " You are definitely mad." "It's stopped." "They're blank." "They're all completely blank." "Then he did it, he's read the spells." "Successfully too." "I think we should go up and, um,..." "Congratulate him?" "When you're advanced in the craft, lad, you'll find, at times, the important thing is success." "That's no way to treat a book." "The spine's bent right back." "Give me that." "A lad, am I?" "Huh!" "When I'm advanced... in the craft, I've only been walking around for years with one of the greatest spells in my head." "And didn't go totally insane, did I?" "No, you didn't." "Where are the other wizards?" "Rincewind." "Join us, won't you?" "The eighth spell." "Give it to me." "Give... me... the spell!" "No." "You'll have to try and take it." "And I don't think you can!" "But I only have to kill you  and it is mine." "These statues look like wizards!" "They are the wizards!" "They are?" "!" "They were!" "There are worse things." "I could clothe your body with ants." "Hey!" "I have the power..." "I have a sword, you know." "Ah!" "Pathetic!" "Pathetic?" "I'll show you pathetic." "Hey..." "Hello?" "Rincewind, where's the sword?" "I'll get it." "I have to warn you..." "that I'm a real wizard now." "Then, join your fellow wizards, you turgid little worm!" "I have no need of you now." "Oh, there it is." "Come!" "The little spell..." "Unto me!" "No!" "Run!" "Now what?" "Oh, run!" "I suppose they're the spells." " Twoflower?" "Yes?" "Is that..." "Is that you, Rincewind?" "Yes." "And I want you to do something very important for me, Twoflower." "Yes." "I'm..." "I'm ready." "What is it you want me to do?" "I want you to come over here... and help me up, before my hand slips off this stone." "I'm glad you're alive." "Yes, so am I." "Yes." "Could you..." "Could you now help me up?" "That might be a little difficult." "Why?" "What are you holding onto?" "To you!" "Besides me!" "What do you mean, besides you?" "Oh..." "Oh, bugger." "I don't know why it is, but ever since I've met you," "I've spent a lot of my time hanging on by my fingertips over certain depths." "Have you noticed that?" "Oh!" "Oh, it's you!" "Oh, no, not again!" "No!" "No!" "I think I just had another near-Rincewind experience." "A little bit earlier would have been nice." "Funny place to put statues." "No one can see them." "Mind you, can't say they're up to much." "Very poor work." "This..." "This is where we say goodbye." "Out!" "What's he doing now?" "Isn't all this magic exciting?" "It's only lights." "He ain't even produced doves or billiard balls out of his sleeves." "Is that it?" "New worlds!" "Must get a picture of this." "I might forget." "How could you ever forget?" "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life." "Got it!" "That's old Twoflower for you." "He just appreciates beauty in his own way." "I mean, if a poet sees a daffodil  he stares at it, and then writes a long poem." "But Twoflower would wander off and buy... a book on botany, and then, as he reads it, he would tread on the daffodil." "The Star!" "It's getting smaller." "It's like a sea of gold!" "Golden syrup, more like." "'That is a nice dramatic ending.' 'But life doesn't work like that, and there are other things that have to happen.'..." "'There is the Octavo, for example, and many of the observers realised that, dropping... towards them, is the single most magical thing on the Discworld.'" "OK?" "Right." "Come on." "Oh, dear." "'Later, Twoflower did ask the Luggage what it had done with the Octavo.'" "'But its expression could only be described as...'" "What are they doing now?" "'..wooden.'" "They're trying to open the Luggage." "It's a nice day." "Air like wine!" "Rincewind, I've decided - You know, I think I might re-enrol." "I think I could make a good go of... this magic thing, and graduate very well." "Because they do say that if it's summa cum laude, then, the living is easy!" "That's good, because" " And, of course, there's plenty of... room up top, now that the big boys are on doorstep duty." "Will they be able to turn back?" "Probably not." "Will they be able to do something with Trymon?" "Yes!" "He'll make a very nice rockery." "Go on!" "You go and sort this all out." " I think I could do very well with this magic lark." "The thing is, I'm going home." "And a sharp lad, who's had some experience... of the world, could quite easily..." " Sorry." "What did you say?" " I said I'm going home." " What home?" "Home, home." "Back across the sea, where I live." "It occurred to me last night, all this travelling and seeing things is fine, but there's a lot of fun to be had in having been." "You know, putting your pictures in a book, remembering things..." "And the important thing about having a lot of things... to remember is that you have to have some place to go afterwards where you can remember them." "You haven't really been anywhere until you've got back home." "Oh, good." "Well, if that's the way you see it,... when are you going?" "Today, I think." "There's bound to be a ship going part of the way." "Yes, I..." "I expect so." "That settles it then." "He'll drop me at the Brown Islands, and I can easily get a ship from there." "Oh, well." "Great." "You found a priest, then." "Yes." "And Cohen didn't even try to kill him for his valuables." "It's a great dress." "Thank you." "I stole it myself." "Look, this is for you two." "Oh!" "I know it can be expensive, setting up home for the 1st time." "Or a small kingdom, even." "I've also thought about something I can give you." "Oh!" "Really, no." "You don't have to, er..." "It's all yours." "I don't need it any more, and it won't really fit on my wardrobe." "What?" "The Luggage!" "Don't you want it?" "Oh!" "Luggage!" "Yes." "But it's yours!" "It follows you." "It won't follow me." "Luggage?" "This is Rincewind." "You're his now, right?" "It doesn't really belong to anyone but itself, really." "Well..." "I guess this is it." "Yes." "Goodbye, Rincewind." "When I get... home I'll send you a postcard or something." "Oh, come here." "And, er, any time you're passing, someone here is bound to know where I am." "... I guess that's about it, then." "Yes." "That's about it, right enough." "Right." "Right." "No, no, no!" "Don't want you." "I give you to yourself." "You understand?" "I said I don't want you!" "Go!" "Go away!" "Alright!" "Come on." "So... does that mean the Star turtle's female, then?" "Well, in my opinion, it's all a question of perspective." "IMS Subtitles accessibility@bskyb. com" "Swedish text:" "Group Greenock The independent translators" "English auto translation and short revision by GSTKEIN..."