"(barking orders)" "BILKO:" "Let's see how you're coming along with that float!" "Everybody in position!" "Let me see." "Hold that sign up." ""The Spirit of Company 'B."' Oh, it's a grabber." "Gets right in here." "Who are you, Fleischman?" "I'm Integrity." "I'm Integrity." "You're Fraternity." "I'm Fraternity, Sarge." "I mean..." "All right, all right, all right, we'll straighten that all out later." "Just keep on the float." "Who are you, Paparelli?" "I'm Vigilance." "Let me see-- we got Fraternity, Vigilance, Fellowship..." "One missing." "Purity." "All right, I need volunteers." "Who wants to be Purity?" "Freeze." "Freeze, you grease monkeys." "All right, the last chance." "Who wants to be Purity?" "!" "Well, at least they're honest." "Here, Sarge." "All right." "Gentlemen, this is the moment we've been waiting for all year-- the lucky drawing to find who will be King of the Mardi Gras." "Put in your dog tags." "All right, men, you know when you're King of the Mardi Gras, you know what goes with it." "You're regal." "You're royal." "You ride in the colonel's car." "The colonel may be driving." "When you get to the ball, your train is carried by four MPs in tights, no less." "Okay, Sarge." "This is it." "We want to be fair." "Shake it up good." "I'll do the drawing." "Get me a blindfold." "Never mind." "Just take off your glasses, Sarge." "All right, all right, all right." "All right, here we go, men." "Here we..." "All right." "Gentlemen, this is the moment we've all been waiting for." "We will soon see who will reign supreme as King Rex of the Mardi Gras." "And the lucky man is..." "Eh..." "Gentlemen, get a grip on yourself." "King Rex of the Motor Pool Mardi Gras is none other than..." "His Royal Highness" "Duane Doberman." "(grumbling)" "All right, he got it!" "He's king." "But Sarge, I can't be no king." "What do you mean you..." "he can't be?" "He'll be great." "Sure." "Gosh, look at you." "You're royal." "You're regal." "You're a small Farouk." "Take His Majesty's grease gun and put it in His Highness's locker." "And now, Your Majesty, we breathlessly await your first command." "Who, sir, shall be the lucky lady who will reign as your queen?" "Come on." "Come on, Doberman." "Who's the lucky girl?" "Girl?" "!" "Sarge!" "Well, His Royal Highness is a bundle of nerves." "(laughter)" "We, your loyal subjects, will pick the queen for you." "And now, Your Majesty, go and get washed up, all right?" "Get over to the welding shop and get fitted for the crown, on the double." "Hee-yup!" "And we got to find the queen." "Henshaw..." "Hey, look what I found in Doberman's locker." "What do you got, Gander?" "Wait till you see..." "(Gander mumbles)" "Come on." "Come on." "Those are Doberman's personal papers." "Put 'em back." "Sarge, you're gonna flip." "Look." "He's cut out newspaper clippings and pasted them in this book." "All about Joy Landers." "Oh, no." "Joy Landers?" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." ""Richest Girl in Society"?" "Quiet!" ""Joy Landers at the Hunt Meet."" ""Joy Landers Returns from Paris."" "Here we thought all the time" "Doberman was not interested in girls." "We have found ourselves the queen." "Joy Landers?" "With Doberman?" "Yes." "Yes." "All right." "Impossible." "Quiet!" "I know this is just Doberman's dream, but this year, Doberman is king." "This year, dreams come true." "True?" "Rocco." "Yo." "As head of the Coronation Committee, you will proceed at once to the home of Miss Joy Landers, who doesn't know Doberman even exists, but you as the head of the Coronation Committee will inform her." "By royal command, His Highness, King Doberman the First, has commanded her to be Queen of the Motor Pool Mardi Gras." "Right." "Coronation Committee, come on." "Move!" "Yo." "Okay." "Here comes Doberman." "All right, quiet about this." "Don't let him know we know his secret." "If he does, he'll desert." "Act nonchalant." "(Bilko whistles)" "Your Majesty." "Aw, Sarge, forget about it." "Forget about it?" "Just when we have found a queen that is panting to share your throne?" "Queen?" "A girl?" "!" "Yeah." "No." "A chipmunk." "Of course, a girl." "You lucky dog." "Why didn't you tell us?" "Why have you kept us in the dark?" "Tell you what?" "You know." "You know there's a girl in Roseville who's been worshipping you from afar." "Me?" "Yes." "Asking questions about you, who you are, driving up to the camp, trying to get a sneak look at you." "Oh, you lucky dog." "Come on, be big, Your Highness." "Give her a break." "We have decided she shall be your queen." "Who is she?" "Joy Landers." "Joy..." "Grab him." "Grab him." "BILKO:" "Your Highness, hail." "Miss Landers will be here any moment." "Thank you, Kevin." "Now, with those Paris dresses she brought back, the rest of us are gonna look like rags." "Well, didn't we always, alongside of Joy?" "Now, girls, don't be jealous." "A whole month in Paris." "I wonder what it's like to get anything you want." "Boring, my dear Lisa, most boring." "Joy." "Hi, Joy." "Darling, you look ravishing." "Welcome." "Welcome." "JOY:" "Thank you." "How does it feel to be back home in Kansas?" "Oh, please." "I may be ill." "Now, Joy." "Well, really." "After the Champs-Elysées," "Moulin Rouge, Montmartre." "Roseville, Kansas?" "Why, we're the only country club west of Wichita that has a fox hunt." "Oh, please." "It's not you, mes amis." "I just love the country club." "You know that." "After all, Dad started it." "It's just that, well, we're a small island in an ocean of yokels, that's all." "Miss Landers?" "Yes, Kevin." "There are some soldiers to see you." "Soldiers?" "Mm-hmm." "Soldiers." "Soldiers." "Oh, I know." "It must be those Brazilian cadets that I met on the boat." "Wait till you see them mambo." "They're absolute heaven." "Why, they're the cutest..." "(gasps)" "Miss Joy Landers?" "I beg your pardon." "What's the matter?" "Did you do something?" "Read the scroll there." "(clears throat)" ""On behalf of the men of the third platoon, Company 'B,'" ""you have hereby been selected by King Rex Duane Doberman as Queen of our Motor Pool Mardi Gras."" "Okay." "ALL:" "Long live the queen!" "Are you really serious?" "She can't believe it." "Really, Miss Landers, it's true." "You made it." "I made it?" "(laughs)" "I made it." "My crowning achievement." "Queen of a motor pool." "With this crown, I..." "Oh, really, please." "I can't possibly make it." "You-You can't?" "Now, look, why don't you boys just help yourself to a drink and then go on back to camp?" "I'm sure there's some nice shop girl in town who'd be very happy to be your queen." "But we-we selected you." "It's gonna be real nice this year." "You get to ride in the colonel's staff car." "He-He put in new seat covers." "(derisive laughter)" "New seat covers." "(laughter)" "Queen of the Motor Pool." "(Joy laughs)" "But Miss Landers..." "Miss Landers, you don't understand-- you see..." "I think she does." "Let's go." "Hello." "Hi." "It's-It's just the funniest thing." "What's the trouble, men?" "Say, what is this, Joy?" "Oh, Father, you missed it." "You missed it." "They wanted me to be Queen of the Motor Pool." "Oh, but Joy, they meant it as an honor." "Oh, of course it's an honor." "This may be my big chance to become..." "Miss Grease Pit." "(derisive laughter continues)" "Oh, shame on you." "Doberman, I don't understand you." "You got eight campaign ribbons, you got two battle stars." "It comes to meet a girl, you fall apart on me." "Now, pull yourself together." "Come on." "We're gonna try it once more." "Now, Miss Joy Landers is here to meet you." "After all, you have appointed her your queen, right?" "And you, as the king-- it is your duty to make her welcome." "Now, go and greet her." "Go like a king, with your head erect!" "Royal!" "Go." "Doberman." "Now, go on." "This isn't gonna hurt." "You're a king." "Walk." "Walk." "Closer." "Come on." "(indistinct, overlapping chatter)" "Attaboy." "Closer." "Attaboy, King." "Well, if it isn't Duane Doberman." "Grab him!" "Grab him!" "I can't go through with it, Sarge." "What is the big deal here?" "What is...?" "Look, you're just two human beings." "By some freak of nature, she happens to be a girl." "But Sarge, I don't know what to do around girls." "I'm scared." "It's really not his fault." "It's the Army's fault." "They give us the wrong basic training, that's all it is." "Now, look, I'll explain it to you again." "She's a girl." "It's nothing." "It's very simple." "When you meet a girl, and there's nothing better to do, you talk." "What'll I talk about?" "Well, she just returned from Paris." "Talk about Paris." "You've been to Paris." "Tell her what you saw in Paris." "What did I see?" "I was in a Sherman tank." "What am I gonna do?" "You see what I'm up against?" "Look, relax." "You're still the king." "Bear that in mind." "You're the king." "Go and meet her." "Go." "Come on." "Come on." "Hold your head up." "Now, come on." "Well, if it isn't Duane Doberman." "Go ahead." "Go ahead!" "Hello." "(cheering)" "He..." "He did it!" "Did you hear him?" "Did you hear the way he said, "Hello"?" "Oh, that poor girl, she's gonna melt when she meets..." "Ah, the guys are back." "Everything all set?" "Did you arrange where to pick her up?" "Did you take the pictures?" "What is this?" "What's with the droopy faces?" "Oh, the crown didn't fit." "We'll get it rewelded." "It's very simple." "She turned us down." "Oh, you're kidding." "She turned you down?" "Joy Landers turned down a chance to get her pictures in the paper?" "(Bilko laughs)" "Maybe she didn't understand." "HENSHAW:" "She understood, all right." "Well, what is this?" "What is this trauma that's going on here?" "Maybe she had another appointment." "We'll get another queen." "That's all." "No." "No, that ain't it, Sarge." "She..." "She laughed at us." "She laughed at you?" "Right in our faces." "Because you offered her to be the queen of the Motor Pool Mardi Gras, she laughed at you?" "You'd have flipped, Sarge." "As we were walking out, we heard her say, she didn't want to be queen of the grease pit." ""Get yourself a shop girl."" "(imitates Joy's laugh)" "She laughed at you?" "Sarge, we made a mistake." "We made a mistake?" "She made a mistake." "Nobody laughs at my platoon." "Sarge, forget it." "Too bad, Doberman." "No, no." "Just when he learned to say "Hello."" "There's something wrong here." "Something's all cockeyed here." "Doberman is the king." "He selected her as his queen." "It's up to him to turn her down." "Ah, Sarge, Doberman turning down Joy Landers?" "Yeah." "She's gonna know how it feels to be laughed at." "But Doberman turning down...?" "Yes, Doberman." "She's gonna pant for Doberman." "When I get through with her, she's gonna want Doberman more than any woman has ever wanted any other man." "Sarge, Doberman?" "This may be the crowning achievement of my career." "Give me my hat." "Where you going, Sarge?" "I'm on my way to have a short talk with Miss Joy Landers." "I want to meet Miss Laughing Girl." "Yes, Roddy, I'll go." "Same time." "Same time, same place, same faces." "There's a Sergeant Bilko to see you, Miss Landers." "Bilko?" "He says it's very urgent." "Oh, tell him I can't..." "Mm-hmm." "...possibly see anyone." "Miss Landers, I hope I'm not too late." "Too late?" "Did some members of my platoon come here, without any authority from me or any of my knowledge, to, uh, offer you to be the queen of some ridiculous affair they're running?" "(laughing):" "Oh, why, yes." "Oh, heavens, I am too late." "Miss Landers, turn them down." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, please." "Those poor souls." "They didn't know what they were doing." "They made Doberman King of the Mardi Gras without his knowledge." "You can't blame the poor souls in their drab Army lives when this international figure comes in their midst." "Well, naturally, they wanted to show off, not realizing that Doberman went into the Army for the sole purpose of getting away from this relentless pursuit of women." "Duane who?" "Oh, please, let the poor man alone." "Leave him alone." "Respect his desire just to be an anonymous soldier, and not Duane Doberman of Paris, the Riviera." "That unfortunate suicide attempt by that beautiful countess, that chase across four continents by Lollobrigida-- please, please leave him alone!" "Duane who?" "I plead with you-- leave him alone!" "Just for that momentary flash of international flame that this will give you, please don't turn our sleepy, wonderful little town into a bedlam of newsreel cameras, newsreel men, reporters, souvenir hunters, I..." "Duane who?" "Please, please, I beg you, as an old Army sergeant, please don't turn our Army camp into a rendezvous for women of all nations, driving us mad with their activity." "Please, please-- it is not too late." "I beg you, turn it down." "Refuse to be Queen of the Mardi Gras." "I already did." "You see, if you turn it down, we can have..." "I beg your pardon?" "I already refused the title of Queen of the Mardi Gras." "Miss Landers, are you trying to tell me that you actually turned down the opportunity of having your name coupled with Duane Doberman?" "Well, yes." "Of course, I didn't realize..." "Miss Landers, I..." "Forgive..." "Forgive this outburst of emotion, Miss Landers, but... you see, I had thought that old-fashioned decency and courage was disappearing in the American woman." "Duane who?" "You're a big woman, Miss Landers, a big woman to realize that consorting with the international set, those endless rounds of nightclubs with Princess Margaret, the flights to all parts of the world in Doberman's plane," "those endless parties of Elsa's, it's not the life for you." "This is where you belong-- quiet, unassuming..." "Sergeant Bilko, will you kindly..." "Mr. Rodney Pines." "But Joy..." "Roddy, please, I'm busy!" "Duane who?" "!" "No, don't mind me." "I-I was just going." "You're a brave girl, Miss Landers." "Is this your gentleman friend?" "Oh, he's fine." "Comforting, very slow-- good; good type for you." "We've planned an exciting evening." "We're having a Chinese dinner, and we're going to that new roadhouse, the Club Caribbean." "Oh, how sweet." "Chinese dinner?" "The Club Caribbean?" "Lovely." "You have chosen the right path, my dear." "Mm?" "Joy!" "Roddy, please!" "Not now!" "Am I interrupting?" "No, no, I just sunk the first harpoon." "She'll be..." "Oh, excuse me." "I'm sorry." "Everything is fine, sir." "Well, Sergeant Bilko, I want to apologize to you for my daughter's despicable conduct in front of your men." "She needs a good lesson." "A lesson, sir?" "Yes, you see, I had to bring her up alone." "She's spoiled." "Everything she's ever wanted, she's gotten." "Oh, really?" "Well, there's something she wants, right now, more than anything she's ever wanted in her life, but she ain't gonna get it." "What?" "Doberman." "Doberman?" "Paparelli, you get down to the Chinese restaurant." "Chung knows what this is all about." "Here are some Chinese fortune cookies-- he knows what to do with them." "I promised him ten tickets to the Mardi Gras if everything went off on schedule." "On the double!" "Yo-ho!" "What is it, Chung?" "Chinese fortune cookies." "We didn't order any." "It's on the house, Miss Landers." "Well!" "On the house!" "(all conversing enthusiastically)" "Let's see what my fortune holds in store for me." "Read it out loud." "Seems to be empty." "Tell us all." "Try another one." "It's very unusual they're giving us..." "There we are." "Ah..." "Let's see what it says." ""It is better to have..."" "What is it?" ""It is better to have loved a Doberman and lost than never to have had Doberman at all."" "There, you got it all set?" "You, get over to the Club Caribbean." "The owner knows what to do;" "he's got the costumes for you." "You got everything else?" "Check." "You get the straw hats." "I'll get the ukulele." "Come on, let's go." "On the double, on the double!" "Paparelli!" "You go down to the Chinese restaurant, pick up Paparelli, get over to the Club Caribbean." "You know what to do." "You're guests!" "But stay under the minimum." "Check." "All right?" "Move!" "And now the Club Caribbean presents for the first time the authentic Calypso songs of the West Indian Boys." "Here they are." "JOY:" "Oh, Roddy!" "They're pathetic!" "Get the check!" "Waiter, check!" "# In Trinidad, where we come from #" "# We hear of lovers one by one #" "# Rubirosa and Ali Khan #" "# But the greatest one is Doberman #" "# Doberman, Doberman #" "# The greatest one is Doberman #" "# Doberman, Doberman #" "# The greatest one is Doberman #" "# From Rome to Paris to Venezuela #" "# He was chased by Lollobrigida #" "# Princess Margaret don't want a throne #" "# All she want is Doberman #" "# Doberman, Doberman #" "# All she want is Doberman #" "# Doberman, Doberman #" "# All she want is Doberman #" "# There'll be newsreel pictures #" "# And worldwide fame to the girl #" "# Who capture the fascinating Duane #" "# Women weep and are forlorn #" "# Oh, where, oh, where #" "# Has Doberman gone?" "#" "# Doberman, Doberman #" "# Where, oh, where, has Doberman gone?" "#" "(whistling)" "Magnificent!" "Simply magnificent!" "Say, let's go down to the Paradise Bar and Grill." "I hear that Bilko's men hang out there." "Yeah, I hear everyone's going to be there." "Well, let's all go to the country club for a little nightcap, shall we?" "Say, I have a good idea." "Why don't we go to the Paradise Bar and Grill?" "I've never been there." "Really, Joy!" "They call it the Snake Pit!" "That's where those soldiers from Fort Baxter hang out." "Really, you're liable to meet anybody there." "Anybody?" "Let's go!" "Joy!" "Mildred, you've got to help us, you've got to." "It's for the platoon." "Your platoon!" "Hey, Sarge, I just got a flash from Rocco on the walkie-talkie." "They're on their way here now." "Good deal." "You know what to do." "Scatter." "Come on." "Right." "Mildred, will ya?" "Is it a deal?" "I get four tickets to the Mardi Gras?" "Right!" "I get to be a lady-in-waiting?" "In the Golden Circle!" "I get to ride in the pageant?" "You're Purity!" "What kind of a crack is that?" "Just leave it to me." "Will you leave it to me?" "Now, look, don't forget your cue." "When I say, "It's the quiet life,"" "in you come, all right?" "Dillingham, I'm depending on... act like nothing is happening, right?" "Grab him!" "Grab him!" "Let me go!" "Let me go!" "Doberman!" "Doberman, what am I gonna do with you?" "!" "Sarge, I can't go through with it!" "I can't go through with it." "You gotta!" "You gotta go through with it." "This is for the pride of the platoon, with..." "Look, get him in the washroom, keep him there till that psychological moment when he comes face to face with Joy Landers." "I'll die!" "I'll die!" "No, you won't." "You'll be magnificent..." "Your Highness!" "Sarge!" "Sarge, they're here!" "All right, act nonchalant like soldiers having fun, you know?" "# Well, it's hi!" "hi!" "hee!" "#" "# In the field artillery... #" "Right this way, Miss Landers." "Here's a table, Miss Landers." "Sit right here, Miss Landers." "I'll get a tablecloth, Miss Landers." "That's Miss Landers." "(wolf whistle)" "Joy, are you looking for someone?" "He must be here!" "He?" "Joy, you don't mean there's some soldier that you're looking for?" "Soldier, soldier!" "You fools!" "You just don't know!" "Joy Landers running after a soldier?" "Oh, don't be stupid!" "Well, Corporal Dillingham, wasn't it fun drilling today?" "I'd like to see..." "Sergeant Bilko?" "Yes?" "Uh..." "Miss Landers!" "What are you doing in a place like this?" "Sergeant Bilko, I have to speak to you alone." "Alone?" "It's about him." "Him?" "Oh, you said you'd forget about him!" "Sergeant Bilko, I've changed my mind." "I want to be Queen of the Mardi Gras." "Oh, but you can't, you can't." "Stay the happy unknown you are, please!" "This is better for you-- the quiet life." "It's much better." "Oh, but Sergeant, I..." "The quiet life is much..." "Where is she?" "Where is she?" "Where's Joy Landers?" "!" "Good heavens!" "It's the countess!" "Stay away from him." "He's mine!" "He's mine, I tell you!" "Stay away from Doberman!" "Who are you?" "Please, Countess, you promised to stay in Vienna." "I can offer him my title, my castle in Monaco." "What can you give him?" "Just your youth and beauty." "(sobbing):" "Youth and beauty!" "Oh, please, Countess, she has as much right to him as you have." "Four tickets to the Mardi Gras?" "You were wonderful, wonderful." "Joy, what's going on?" "You know Doberman?" "Can't a girl have any secrets?" "Yes..." "Well, Corporal Dillingham, I hear there's some new rookies joined the camp." "Won't that be jolly fun?" "Sergeant Bilko?" "All the rookies'll have..." "Miss Landers, good heavens, you're still here!" "Sergeant Bilko, I must speak to you alone." "Wait for me in the bar, please." "Joy!" "I know what I'm doing!" "Sergeant Bilko, I must meet him." "Please, you promised to forget him." "Sergeant Bilko, I must meet him!" "I plead with you, don't fall into this trap, Miss Landers." "After all, he did select me as his queen." "But you can't, you can't." "Well, don't you think he ought to see me and make up his own mind?" "Oh, what am I going to do?" "Well, I'll see if I can get him." "Corporal Henshaw?" "Yo." "Will you find Private Doberman and say will he please" "come in and meet somebody?" "Certainly, Sergeant." "Thank you, Corporal Henshaw." "I want everybody here when they meet." "Sarge, when she takes a look at him-- well, listen," "Doberman ain't a Cary Grant." "She ain't gonna see Doberman." "She's gonna see a legend, a castle in the air built by a master architect, if I may say so myself." "Oh!" "Are you gonna help Corporal Henshaw?" "Certainly will!" "That's splendid!" "Henshaw!" "You fellas are splendid!" "Well, where is he?" "Please, Miss Landers," "I don't even know if he'll come here." "Oh, but Sergeant, he..." "Miss..." "Miss Landers, you're trembling." "Sergeant..." "Sergeant, please tell me, what does he look like?" "What does he look like?" "What does Doberman look like?" "How?" "How can I describe him to you?" "But first, you must forget all your middle-class conventional ideas of beauty." "You must forget the tall, blond type, which is rapidly losing favor with the Continental set." "Yes, yes." "Go on." "Let me see, describe Doberman." "To describe him, oh, we must take a leaf from the Orient." "That's what we must do." "We must think-- deep-- in the Oriental manner;" "they who have mastered the arts of love and beauty, as only they can." "Think in your mind's eye:" "dark, short, with that pulse-quickening plumpness." "A Buddha." "Yes, yes, short and fat." "With his face glistening as if rubbed with the mysterious oils of the East." "Swarthy... greasy, if you will... but with that inscrutable air about him..." "Doberman's coming!" "This way, folks." "He's here!" "Doberman's here?" "Oh, my dear, have courage." "He's here?" "Sergeant, I'm so nervous." "Have courage." "Sergeant, please..." "Please, Miss Landers, you must" "pull yourself together." "Here's Doberman!" "Doberman is here." "Please, please hold on to yourself, Miss Landers." "Private Doberman, I hate to impose upon you, but this young lady insisted upon meeting you." "May I present..." "Oh, you don't have to tell me." "He's exactly as you described him." "He is magnificent." "I hated to impose upon you, Private Doberman, but after all, this lady was to wear your crown, and I thought you wouldn't mind meeting her." "This is Miss Joy Landers." "This is the happiest moment of my life." "Private Doberman, the lady has spoken to you." "Won't you say something to her?" "Say something?" "Say it." "Say it." "Yes." "Say it." "Get lost." "Get lost?" "!" "I warned you." "I warned you." "This is what happened." "I tried to, I tried to alert you." "But..." "Private Doberman, you must make me your queen, you must!" "Joy, what is this?" "Who is this man?" "Who is this man?" "Tell him, Sergeant Bilko." "Gladly." "Is everybody here?" "OTHERS:" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "This man is Private Doberman." "Just Private Doberman." "No yachts, no women chasing after him, just a nobody like the rest of us." "A nobody who doesn't enjoy people laughing at him." "A nobody who now says-- say it, Doberman." "Get lost." "(soldiers guffawing)" "You thought that he... (laughter)" "It's a trick!" "It's just a rotten..." "Joy!" "Here's another clipping for your scrapbook, Doberman." ""The public spectacle of Roseville's leading debutante" ""flinging herself at the feet of a soldier" "and being rejected..." -(laughter)" ""...not only has the whole--" All right, all right." "We're still the Army;" "we're on the ball..." "Gee, Sarge, you was magnificent." "Hey, I heard Joy Landers left town." "She did?" "Maybe I went too far, huh?" "Too far?" "If you would've been there when she laughed at us..." "Yeah." "But we had the last laugh." ""I must have Doberman!" "I must have Doberman!"" "(laughter)" "Uh, Miss Landers, I think I should..." "Sergeant Bilko..." "Oh, I guess you all realize by this time that I was never worthy of the honor in the first place." "You see, all my life I've been laughing at people, and... well, now I suddenly know what it feels like to be laughed at." "Miss Landers, maybe we should apologize to you." "You see, we were a little upset, and we went a..." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Whoever taught you to hang Japanese lanterns like that?" "What is it, Miss Landers?" "Now, really..." "Sergeant Bilko, I may not know anything about humility, but I do know how to run an affair, and this is going to be the biggest Mardi Gras" "Roseville has ever seen!" "(men talking enthusiastically)" "Now, quiet, wait a minute." "Uh, you, go get some flowers." "That jeep needs a lot more flowers." "And I..." "You know what, let's paint it pink." "Go get..." "(men clamoring)" "Ribbons and pins, and..." "Wait a minute." "Platoon, atten-hut!" "(barking orders)" "Now, just a minute, fellas." "Let's think of the Mardi Gras." "After all, we do need a queen and..." "Your Highness, do you accept this lady as your queen?" "Hello." "He said it again!" "MEN:" "Long live the queen!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Joy Landers was played by Constance Ford." "Mr. Landers, Russell Hicks." "Doberman by Maurice Gosfield." "Gander was played by Tiger Andrews, and Palmer was played by P. Jay Sidney."