"Mmm." "This envelope tastes kinda good." "Taste the envelope." "Stop eating the mail, Grace." "I'll stop eatin' it when they stop makin' it so tasty." "Hey!" "The new Advocate." "The 25 Most Influential Gays Under 30." "Why does gay culture worship youth so much?" "Ew, why is there a guy with gray hair in this ad?" "Hello." "Hi." "Mm-hm." "New in the building?" "Yeah, uh, Ned Weathers." "Just moved in to 10C." "10C." "Right above us." "You don't have a pet elephant, I hope." "Wrap it up." "Uh, anyway, I'm Will." "And, uh, this is Grace." "Hm." "Welcome to the building." "Thanks." "Uh, you going up?" "Sure." "What's wrong with you?" "What's wrong with me?" "!" "You were the one who's being all nice to a stranger, fool." "What's wrong with being nice to him?" "He's our neighbor." "Follow the logic, Will." "We're nice to him." "Suddenly, we're picking up his newspaper." "Then" " We're watering his plants." "Before you know it, there's a fire in the building and we're the ones who have to make sure he "got out okay"." "I'd rather find out on the evening news, thank you." "I'm not saying that I wouldn't trample over him on the way out." "But while he's alive, would it kill us to be nice to him?" "All I'm saying is you just let him blow on by without any eye contact." "Otherwise, you're gonna get stuck having to say hello." "And nobody wants that." "Hey, Jack." "Hey, Karen." "Just keep walking." "Do you think they saw us?" "Hi, this is Jack McFarland from Out TV, the new gay network." "Uh-huh." "We are thinking of doing a gay version of "The Swan", called "The Swan"." "And good news!" "After looking at your picture, we think you're the perfect candidate." "Uh-huh." "After we're through with you, all your horrible disfigurements will be corrected." "All right, but promise me you'll think about it, Will, okay?" "Hey, boss." "Hey, Jack." "So did you get a chance to read the script of that new soap opera?" "I did." "I love it." "When Hubert says, "Let me be your eyes,"" "I sobbed like a little boy who wished he was a little girl." "Really?" "'Cause I didn't care for it." "When I was at Showtime, we developed something similar and it didn't work at all." "Oh." "Hey, hey, Jimmy, what'd you think of that new soap opera?" "Oh, snooze." "Mmm." "Now, this may be my marketing degree from Arizona State talking, but I think the last thing we need is another tired soap opera." "Just making everybody gay does not make it interesting." "Yeah, I agree, but Jack, here, liked it." "You did?" "No, uh, that was a test." "And you both passed." "Check, check." "How 'bout that cop show?" "Another tired cop show?" "Who needs another one of those?" "Really?" "Because in this case, I thought making everybody gay made it much more interesting." "I agree." "That handcuffing scene was a much-needed reminder that older men can still be hot." "Oh, that cop show." "Oh, I love that cop show." "Yes, yes." "What other one is there?" "Oh, well I heard someone talking about, like, a tranny and a crime-solving thing." "Yeah, "Murder He/She Wrote."" "Okay, well, thanks for your input." "Honey, is that tall guy your boss?" "He could pass for straight." "I'm so jealous." "I wish my boss could pass for straight." "Karen!" "I'm in big trouble." "Everyone here is so smart." "They all have, like, degrees and work experience." "And they all have that line you get from thinking." "Honey, thinking is more damaging than the sun." "Yeah, when I was young, I used to lay out and think all summer long." "We just didn't know." "What do I do?" "People keep asking my opinions, and I'm always wrong." "Oh, honey, come on." "It's always rough when you're starting out a new job." "But I brought you something to cheer you up." "Bring it in, Rosie." "Come on." "Giddyap!" "I'm not your mule." "Yeah?" "Well, then why'd you eat that apple off my palm this morning?" "I knew that would come back to bite me on my ass." "Can we still stop for licorice on the way home?" "You bet." "Thank you, Mami." "Cher!" "It's my Cher doll." "Honey, I thought you might need a little friend at work." "I know she's your favorite." "Oh, thank you, Karen." "I'm feeling better already." "Cher is my fairy godmother." "Well, godmother to all fairies." "Oh!" "Could you hold that for me?" "Uh, sure." "Oh, it won't" " I can't." "I'm sorry." "Oh, wow, that was really close." "You weren't even hitting' the button." "I believe I was." "The button's there." "You were hitting here." "I'm sorry, have I done something to offend you?" "Well, that's good because I thought I offended you, but I guess you're just rude." ""Rude"?" "Or..." "Painfully... almost abusively shy." "Hi, my name is Will Truman." "And, uh, I'm the owner -- proud owner I should add -- of one of your Zyliss rotary cheese graters." "It" " Oh, it's a self-crank." "With a, oh, 2-1/4 by 2-inch well for portion control." "Um, I couldn't help but notice on the Internet that you now have a model with a wheel crank" "I'm gonna have to call you back." "Well, I hope you're happy." "Remember Ned?" "Your boyfriend from the lobby?" "Well, I just talked to him in the elevator." "Now, was that so horrible?" "I'm proud of you." "I invited him over for cocktails." "What?" "!" "Why the hell would you do that?" "Don't yell at me." "You're the one who was makin' love to him in the lobby." "I was warm to him." "Lobby warm." "I was laying the groundwork for a lifetime of polite nods." "Hey." "You know?" "And then you extend an invitation?" "Why would you do a thing like that?" "I don't know." "We were stuck in the elevator." "He accused me of being rude." "So to prove I wasn't, I invited him over." "Faaantastic." "Now that creep is gonna come walking in here on all fours, getting his filthy paws all over my stuff." "Cancel!" "I can't." "I already invited him." "Well, this is the worst thing that's ever happened!" "Well, you got us into it." "You made it worse." " What should we serve?" " I don't know." "I'm thinking something with grated cheese." "Hey, Jack." "You were hilarious at that meeting today when you said you liked that stupid show about the subway." "Oh yeah. "Token Lesbians"." "Yeah." "You guys thought I was serious when I was so obviously joking." "Heh-heh." "Had you going." "For an uncomfortably long time." "Yeah." "Well, it's hard to keep a straight face at a gay network." "Oh, my God!" "Is that Cher?" "Actually, it is a Cher doll." "Did someone from advertising send that over?" "I mean, what do they think?" "Just because we're gay, we all love Cher?" "We don't?" "You're not actually gonna keep that thing, are ya?" "This magnificent representation of one of the greatest ladies in the history of entertainment?" "Absolutely not." "Good. 'Cause if I were you, I would throw it out." "Forgive me, Cher." "For I know not what I do." "And since I moved to New York, I sent two letters in to the Times." "Bang!" "They put 'em both in." "Both in?" "Wow." "I think the secret is being passionate about what you write." "And I don't think breeders should clip the ears of miniature Schnauzers." "I don't think gay people should, either." "That's funny." "Can I use your bathroom?" "Go ahead." "Just as long as we don't read about it on the op-ed page of the Times." "You mean the op-Ned page." "This is a nightmare!" "What a freak!" "Pecking at his wedge of brie like a diseased bird." "It's time we send a message:" "Night over, loser." "If I have to pretend to be interested in one more story, my face is gonna crack!" ""Oh, I wrote a letter to the Times." "Oh, I'm a licensed pilot." "Oh, I donated a kidney to a 14 year-old." Get the hell out!" "Why do we have to be so nice?" "You think anyone else in the building is inviting this letter-writing putz over for drinks?" "No way, missy." "No way!" "Hey, um." "I really should be going." " Oh, really?" " Sad!" "Well..." "Thanks for the cheese and stuff." " Oh, we'll walk you to the elevator." " sure" ""Let's do it again real soon, Ned?" What's a matter with you?" "I'm sorry!" "I panicked." "There was a lull." "I had to say something." "So you pick "How 'bout Friday?" "We'll cook."?" "!" "Did I?" "I think I left my body by then." "Dammit!" "Why are we so nice?" "It's a curse." "God, I hate Ned!" "I'm going out for a coffee run." "Do you want anything?" "Oh, okay." "I'll have an iced cafemocha." "Oh, you know what, actually, make that a hot chai latte." "Wait, what is everybody else getting?" "I don't know." "A bunch of different things." "Um, you know what then, just a regular coffee." "No, wait, make it a hot chocolate." "No, wait, make it one of those weird fruit salad things from the refrigerated bin." "Stop looking at me like that!" "I hate you!" "Get out!" "Honey, your assistant is so straight." "I'm so jealous." "I wish I were a straight assistant." "Karen, um, what are you doing here?" "Honey, I just came by to, you know, check up on ya." "See how you're doin'." "Everything's fine." "Everything's great." "My eyes aren't puffy from crying." "Okay." "Well, great." "Hey." "Where's Cher?" "Uh, I believe she's on tour." "And was her first show on the road playing to an empty can of tuna and an apple core in a dumpster?" "Rosie!" "Shame on you, Jackie." "I had to yank her out of a raccoon's mouth." "How did you find her?" "I threw her out yesterday." "Luckily, this is the one day a month that I send Rosie out dumpster-diving in Midtown to look for scrap copper wire." "It's always been my dream to amass the world's largest private collection of scrap copper wire." "And make it into The Guinness Book of World Records." "I guess World's Biggest Bitch was already taken." "Jackie, why would you do that?" "You love Cher." "I don't know." "I thought I loved Cher." "But Jimmy doesn't." "And he went to a school in Arizona for a really long time." "I don't know what I think anymore." "I'm lost!" "I don't know my right from my left!" "I don't know my up from my down!" "Oh, my God!" "The floor's so dirty!" "Oh, come on, come on, come on." "Breathe, honey, breathe." "I can't believe we're having this guy over for dinner." "We don't have people we like over for dinner." "Rob and Ellen have never been here for dinner." "And they never will." "Mmm-hmm." "Joe and Larry." "Nice guys, good friends." "I'd stab myself in the neck before I'd cook them a meal." "Hello." "Oh, hey, Ned." "What's up?" "He's probably asking if he should bring something." "Yeah, bring your other kidney." "Oh, my God." "I-I'm so sorry." "No, of course." "I understand completely." "Sure, we'll" " We'll see ya." "I'm sensing something good." "Oh, it's good." "How good?" "Really good." "His brother was in a car accident." "Ned's gonna be at the hospital... all night." "Will, what's the matter with you?" "That's not good news." "That's great news." "You like that cake?" "Here's the frosting:" "He didn't mention a rain check... and neither did I!" "It's the best day of my life!" "Oh, I love this song." "Ah, "Company." Maybe Sondheim's best." "Isn't it warm?" "Isn't it rosy?" "Side by side...by side." "Ports in a storm, Comfy and cozy" "Is the music coming from upstairs?" "Yeah." "Ned's apartment." "I thought he wasn't home." "Maybe I should quit, Karen." "I don't think I have what it takes to climb over all these bottoms to get to the top." "Hey!" "These people hired you because they value your opinions." "And they're good opinions." "You know more about television than anyone I know." "I don't know, Karen." "All these people went to those high-fallutin' New England schools, like Arizona State." "And while they were doin' that, what were you doin'?" "Watchin' TV." "That's true." "While they were wasting their time, taking a semester abroad, saving the environment, marching against Apartheid..." "What were you doin'?" "Watching TV." "Sometimes taking' a nap." "Hm." "How 'bout that?" "Your opinion means more than anyone else's here!" "As a matter of fact, I can't think of anyone more qualified to come up with mediocre programming that appeals to a tiny niche market than you." "So be proud, honey." "Speak up." "Although" " Maybe not in that voice that you usually use." "It's a little femmy." "Okay." "Thank you, Karen." "Ha." "Oh" " Thank you, Karen." "Um, excuse me." "Hi, guys." "Could I talk to you in my office for a minute, please?" "Oh, well, can it wait 'til the staff meeting?" "We're enjoying our fancy coffee drinks." "No, it can't." "Ugh, that ridiculous plastic thing is back?" "Yes, she's back!" "And she brought my Cher doll with her." "And she's helped me realize a couple things." "You may not wanna hear this, but that gay soap opera?" "I loved it." "Voice, Jackie, voice." "Oh." "I loved it." "You're kidding." "I'm not." "We all know the only people who watch soap operas are women and gay men." "And we both wanna see shirtless hunks." "That's why it's perfect." "The whole show takes place in a town where the women are missing." "Well, maybe Jack's right." "Maybe we should revisit "Mantown"." "And another thing." "I love Cher." "And I always will." "There isn't a man in this room who doesn't owe his life to her." "Who else was there to teach us to lip-synch, roll our tongue, and verbally abuse short people?" "Well, to be fair, poodle, Randy Newman did help." "You know what?" "Jack's right." "As a gay network, we can't afford to turn our backs to our icons." "I'd like you to do a documentary on Cher." "You think you can manage that?" "No problem." "As it happens, I've already made a 40-minute film chronicling her years between her third and fourth farewell tours." "That's fantastic!" "Does it matter if I'm Cher in it?" "Come on, Ned." "We know you're in there!" "Oh, so now you turn off the music like it was never on?" "Too late." "We already heard it, Nedly." "Hey, there." ""Hey there?"" "Are you getting this?" "Okay, don't "Hey, there" us." "We go out of our way to make you feel welcome in this building" "Invite you into our home" "Oh, stop it!" "You don't want me to come over there again." "You called me a diseased bird and a letter-writing putz." "You heard that?" "It was a bathroom, not a bank vault!" "Well, we" " But you're taking that out of context." "Yeah, it--it was a compliment." "I mean, what is cuter than a diseased bird?" "And what--what's more appealing than a letter-writing putz?" "Put 'em together, you got a heart-warming Disney movie." "Look." "You really hurt my feelings." "I'm new in town, don't know a lot of people." "But hey." "Let's just forget it." "I guess what they say about New Yorkers is true." "I feel awful." "Me too." "What's wrong with us?" "When did we become so cynical?" "I know." "I" " I mean, what's the worst that could happen?" "We make a new friend?" "We can't leave it like this." "What?" "You haven't abused me enough?" "You come back to kick me in the testicles?" "We're sorry, Ned." "There's nothing wrong with you." "We're awful." "We don't give people a chance." "Yeah, if anyone's a diseased bird, it's us." "And if anyone's a putz, it's Will." "So, if you're willing, we'd like to start over." " Come on." "Dinner's still hot." " Yeah." "That is so kind." "But I can't." "I'm having tea with friends." "Unless you would like to join us?" " Sure." " We'd love to." "Come on." "Will, Grace, This is Mitzi, Annie, Brian, Mr. Puffer, Cowboy Fred, Bluey, and Nick-Nick." "Nice to meet you, Nick-Nick." "Actually, that's Bluey." "It's gonna take us a while to get all these names." "Wow." "I know." "That was a weird evening." "Really weird." "Although you and Cowbow Fred hit it off." "What were you and Nick-Nick?" "I was like, "Get a room!"" "Hey." "Hi." "Where are you guys going?" "Oh, we're just gonna get some ice cream." "Oh, that sounds fun." "We'll go with ya." "Oh, I don't" "Uh, what the" "Oh, uh..." "Hey!"