"Hey, sleepy head!" "— You up?" "— What time is it?" "Almost noon." "I'm afraid you've got to go." "— Excuse me?" "— You've got to go." "I have friends coming over for brunch." "What?" "In My apartment?" "Sorry." "3 years and you still treat me like a one-night stand!" "Babies!" "Sorry, I'm late." "I had to deal with James." "James?" "I thought you broke up with James." "I did." "He's just not taking it very well." "What?" "All alone in his big, empty castle?" "Be nice." "Anyway, I had to give his ego CPR." "How tiresome." "What did you say?" "Oh you know, how great he is, how he's going to make the right girl so happy, how it's really not him," "— it's blah blah blah..." "— And he believed you?" "Of course not!" "So then I had to fuck him." "Right." "Where's Peter?" "Babies, we missed you at brunch!" "Sorry, I had to finish 1500 words for Empire." "— Talullah sends her love." "— How is she?" "In love!" "With this Jamaican model I set her up with." "Apparently, he shags her 4 times a day and inspires her to write volumes of new poetry!" "— Isn't that great?" "— No, I hate Talullah's poetry." "Speaking of shags, how was your date with Doug?" "— Fine." "— Fine?" "Just fine?" "Look, Jacks!" "I really appreciate you trying to set me up with Doug" "And Phil and John." "— What's wrong with Doug?" "— Nothing, I just..." "I just don't see much of a future together." "How do you know that after one dinner?" "Maybe because we have nothing in common?" "That's not true." "You're an artist, Doug's an artist." "Doug's a florist!" "He's a horticultural designer." "Yeah, whose 'life goal' is to create a sculpture of" "Princess Diana entirely of bougainvillea." "You are such a snob!" "I am not a snob!" "I have hay fever." "I'd be allergic to Doug's work." "Look, Doug deserves better than me." "You're never going to find anyone with that attitude." "What attitude?" "I'm just being realistic." "If you're realistic, then I'm the Queen of England." "Hey!" "I'm the Queen of England!" "Hello, your Majesty!" "Oh Daphne, you poor thing!" "Of course, I'll deal with the shoot." "I can handle Sasha." "OK." "Lots of love, big kiss." "Bye bye." "Since when do you say 'lots of love, big kiss' to your boss?" "Since Daphne's going through a nasty divorce." "She needs positive affirmation." "Babies, what's wrong?" "Nothing." "I'm just a little nervous." "He's meant to have a ferocious temper." "Who?" "Marvin Bernstein." "The man I'm interviewing today." "Since when do you get nervous about celebrity profiles?" "Since we're not talking about some two-bit British TV presenter." "Marvin Bernstein is a living legend!" "The man's produced some of the best films in the last 20 years!" "He's a giant among the film industry!" "— A giant?" "— Maybe I should call in sick." "Maybe that's what's bothering you." "That I'm not feeling well?" "No, that Marvin Bernstein reminds you that these celebrity profiles are meant to pay the rent." "While you're focusing on your screenplays." "Can we not talk about my nonexistent film career right now?" "I'm feeling small enough as it is." "Babies?" "Just remember." "Marvin Bernstein may be a giant." "But You are a giant in waiting." "Yes, yes I am." "— I have no idea what that means." "— Neither do I." "I'm here to see Mr. Marvin Bernstein." "— Your name?" "— Peter Simon." "Peter Simon." "Any relation to Neil?" "Excuse me?" "Neil Simon!" "Great writer." "You a great writer?" "Oh, I don't know." "You'd know if you were great." "Mr Bernstein?" "Kenneth Branagh on line 2." "Kenneth Branagh!" "Another great writer!" "Kenny B!" "I loved the script!" "I loved it!" "Fuckin' brilliant dialogue!" "Well, hat's off to Shakespeare then!" "— No answer." "— What?" "I said no answer in Mr. Bernstein's room." "Oh, right." "Fine." "I'll just wait." "Please." "OK, ladies, arms around each other." "OK, now, Jade look into BenG's eyes, please." "Thank you very much, OK." "No!" "With love." "Pandora." "How's it going?" "Oh, you know, BenG hates Jade." "Jade hates BenG." "And Sasha hates everyone." "Nothing like a happy set." "Hello?" "I'm waiting!" "Paolo, when I have to ask for it, it's too late!" "Who's the cutie?" "Sasha's latest squeeze." "Argentinean." "Apparently, Sasha picked him up at Ipanema Beach." "Amazing how Sasha always finds his 'assistants' at the beach." "Isn't it?" "I suppose it allows him to examine their 'qualifications'." "Talullah?" "What's wrong?" "Oh God!" "I just had a huge row with Freedom and I think it's over." "OK, I'm in the middle of a shoot..." "Oh God!" "I feel like dying!" "OK." "Tell me exactly what happened." "Well, he came over and we shagged." "And then I asked him what he thought about monogamy." "You don't talk about monogamy After you shag a guy... — No, no but he said he liked monogamy." "— He did?" "Then he said he also likes oak and pine and maple..." "So he's got a sense of humour." "Monogamy is not a laughing matter." "If Freedom ever cheated on me, I don't think I could go on!" "Talullah!" "You've known the guy for a week." "Stop talking like you're in some kind of a movie." "I can't help it." "I'm naturally dramatic." "Excuse me." "Sasha needs you." "Oh, right." "I'll be right there." "— Who is that?" "— Sasha's assistant." "He's gay." "— What?" "— Gay!" "— How can you tell?" "— Trust me." "I have the best gaydar in London." "That boy gay as a goose." "Lucky fucking geese." "Excuse me, sir." "We've just got word Mr. Bernstein had to fly back to New York." "Oh, right." "Thank you." "I'm so sorry!" "I'm so sorry." "Now you love her!" "Feed a grape." "With love!" "Real love!" "Excellent!" "And crush a grape on her mouth." "Excellent!" "Make it sexy!" "More sexy!" "Make the grape sexy!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "And kiss her." "On the mouth." "Excellent!" "Sexy love!" "Yeah, I think we have it!" "Jacks, would it be all right if I borrowed an outfitjust for tonight?" "I kind of have a date." "— A date?" "With who?" "— Oh, just this guy." "I mean, I'm not sure it's even technically a date." "It's just dinner." "Pandora." "Pick out the sexiest outfit and go home immediately!" "— But what about the wrap?" "— I'll cover for you!" "What's more important?" "True love or fashion?" "It's just a dinner..." "OK." "Let me rephrase that." "What's more important, anything or fashion?" "Thanks, Jacks." "Paolo, querido." "Dinner, 9 o'clock, Nobu." "Don't be late." "I can't face them on my own." "— No problem." "— Gracias, carino!" "Katie from Purple will be picking these up in the morning." "Alright." "James!" "How was your day?" "— Anybody home?" "— In here!" "So how'd it go with the legendary giant?" "— It didn't." "He stood me up." "— I'm sorry, Babies." "Why are you reading a cookbook in the nude?" "It's 'The Naked Chef.'" "— What?" "You're keeping him company?" "— I'm waiting for the shower." "You're almost out of shampoo so I had to use soap." "— Oh hi, Peter." "— Hello, James." "How are you?" "— Good, yes." "You?" "— Yes, good." "Thanks." "Well, I better be off." "My flight's at 9 and I've still got to pack." "Right." "— I'll call you when I land." "— Have fun in New York!" "Thank you." "— Bye, Peter." "— Bye, James." "Jacks?" "What are you doing?" "Reading this delicious recipe for Beetroot Salad with marjoram and balsamic vinegar dressing!" "— What are you doing with James?" "— Nothing." "You broke up with him a month ago!" "I know, it's just sex." "He fills a void." "Literally." "I don't see how you expect to meet someone new if you spend all your time with your ex." "Good point!" "Maybe I should get back together with James so I spend less time with him." "I don't think it's funny." "Neither do I." "What's the point of shagging someone ad nauseam if you know you're never going to love them?" "It's not so simple." "He's in love with you, Jacks." "You're not in love with him." "It doesn't get more simple than that." "That's not fair!" "I happen to care about James." "A lot." "And I hate the fact that he feels more than me." "And I hate the fact that I'm not in love with him." "Because I know I should be." "Because he's smart and sweet and decent and I don't want to hurt him." "So I keep hoping that I'll grow into it." "That maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll feel... — What?" "— In love!" "You know, dizzy and feverish and nauseous..." "That's not love, Jacks." "That's the flu." "Well, at least I'm trying!" "You big cynic." "I'm not a cynic!" "When's the last time you even considered falling in love?" "Today!" "I'm not talking about some character in a novel or a movie." "Neither am I." "— What?" "— What?" "What?" "Peter!" "So, tell me everything!" "What's his name?" "David Williams." "— David Williams, and?" "— And what?" "And, who is he?" "Where'd you meet him?" "How'd you meet?" "Tell me everything!" "Well..." "I was on my way out of the hotel." "And he was walking in." "He had these two paintings under his arm and a Sotheby's catalogue and we just sort of bumped into each other." "I can't explain it, but..." "It was amazing." "Because it was like I was finally seeing the person." "I'd been waiting for my entire life." "Oh my God!" "That's so romantic!" "So when do I get to meet him?" "Right after I do?" "— What?" "— Well..." "We didn't actually meet." "Per se." "As it were..." "But you know his name." "Yes, it was on the Sotheby's catalogue." "He dropped it and I picked it up." "And you didn't say anything?" "You didn't speak?" "And this is the person you think you could be in love with?" "Someone that you've never even spoken to?" "Someone that you've never even met?" "Look, Jacks, I know it sounds crazy." "I just..." "I really think he's the one." "Of course he is..." "I don't think I can face this." "Of course you can!" "We're here to support Finlay!" "Besides, you can't stay at home every night, pining for someone you've never even met!" "Thank you." "I thought this whole dead animal thing was 10 years ago." "In formaldehyde, yes." "But Finlay says this stuff isn't preserved." "— It rots right in front of your eyes!" "— Nice!" "Where is Fin anyway?" "Say our hellos before I turn vegan." "Hello?" "Hello." "I'm Finlay McMillan and I would like to welcome all of you to Unicorn  Gallagher's" "LIFE IS DEATH exhibit." "Freedom, get me a glass of champagne." "My throat's parched." "Do I look like a slave?" "Before I introduce the artist himself," "Talullah Wentworth has very kindly agreed to read one of her poems." "Talullah Wentworth!" "God help us!" "I think it's sweet." "Talullah wanting to be Sylvia Plath." "Well, she should fast forward and find an oven." "Thank you, Finlay." "And thank you Unicorn for this truly moving exhibit!" "I'd like to dedicate this poem to Finlay's lover and my best friend, Troy Johnson, who's birthday it is today!" "Troy would have loved to come tonight, but thanks to the conspiracy of silence between the Catholic Church and the Tories in the face of Aids, he can't." "Because he's dead." "— I'm not drunk enough for this." "— Neither is Finlay." "MEAT." "Big black dick in nice soft chick." "I never knew the thrill I'd feel, knowing how you had to steal." "You dangled your worm, I took the bait." "This fish is caught." "It's only fate." "DIE DIE DIE White lmperialist Pigs." "Aristocracy is pale and weak." "You can't kill my love." "He's black." "He's MEAT." "Jacks!" "What are you doing here?" "I just came back to make sure you're OK." "— I'm fine." "Sure." "— Yeah?" "Yeah!" "Absolutely." "I just hate this day, you know?" "10 years." "How come I still miss him so much?" "Because you are an amazing human being." "And because he was an amazing human being." "And because I'm a silly old queen." "That too." "— Thanks, Jacks." "— For what?" "For always remembering." "And for being there for me." "For all of us." "I'm a superficial assistant at a major fashion magazine." "You'll ruin my reputation." "Come on." "I'll give you a ride home." "Besides, I need your help with Peter." "He's fallen madly in love." "— Yeah?" "With who?" "— I don't know." "Neither does he." "Right!" "Speaking of boyfriends, how's what's his name?" "— You mean Freedom?" "— Freedom." "— What kind of name is Freedom?" "— Jamaican, darling." "— Why didn't he come to brunch?" "— We had a row about his car." "I told him I don't generally get into vehicles that cost less than my handbag." "And he accused me of being a spoiled bitch who's only in love with his skin color." "Which is surprisingly insightful for someone who's stoned 24 hours a day." "— Oh, and the creep keeps calling." "— What creep?" "From the phone company." "His name's Tony." "He calls me 5 times a day begging me to go out with him." "Apparently my voice haunts him." "You have an obscene caller from British Telecom?" "I told her she should report him to the police." "I would, but he promised me free broadband." "— What is broadband?" "— Hi, guys, sorry I'm late." "— Hi, Fin." "How are you?" "— Hello, darling!" "Hi, just a cappuccino please." "So, I made a few calls and I'm pretty certain it's who I thought." "Are you serious?" "Well, he was definitely at the Chancery Hotel last Monday." "— Oh, my God!" "— What are we talking about?" "Finlay's figured out who Peter fell in love with last week." "He was at the Chancery Hotel, monday morning, seeing a client!" "— Who was?" "— David Williams!" "— You know the guy I bumped into?" "— I know David!" "I love biblical names." "I used to have a cat named David." "King David!" "— What's he like?" "— He's dead, fell out of a tree." "He's head of Sotheby's Contemporary Art Department." "He's smart, charming, kind." "Attractive, as you know." "All the rich ladies have crushes on him!" "During his auctions, they all try and outbid each otherjust to impress him!" "I bet my Mother's one of those rich old women." "— Is he gay?" "— He's gay!" "So was my cat." "Actually, I can't believe I haven't tried to fix you up ages ago." "He's perfect for you!" "And he was very intrigued by what I told him." "What you told him?" "What did you tell him?" "Nothing." "OK, everything." "— But he was really flattered." "— Oh God!" "— There's no way I can meet him now." "— What?" "Why not?" "Because it's too set up!" "There's no way he'll be into me knowing I'm so into him." "David's not like that!" "Trust me!" "I have to agree with Peter." "I think accidental meets are much better." "Take me and Freedom." "We met in a launderette." "After I told you he was going to be there!" "Which isn't to say accidents can't be planned." "Are you OK?" "I'm fine." "I'm always like this when I have to see my mother." "Would you rather not go?" "No, don't be silly!" "This is your big night!" "Besides Mother loves you." "She loves this David." "Her theme song is 'Matchmaker, Matchmaker.'" "Do you want a brownie?" "I made them myself." "Thank you." "These are very good." "Yes, they've got quite a lot of hash in them." "Talullah!" "What's wrong?" "Freedom's having an affair." "An affair?" "You've only been going out for 2 weeks!" "Who's he having an affair with?" "Me, I just found out he's married." "— Are you OK?" "— Oh!" "Yes, fine." "I just lost my keys and they're playing hard to get." "Tada!" "We haven't met properly." "I'm Paolo Sarmiento by the way." "Emily Jackson." "But all my friends just call me 'Jacks.'" "OK." "All my friends just call me Paolo." "OK." "You look very beautiful." "Oh!" "Well, I'm going to this black tie thing for my roommate." "Well, it's not exactly for my roommate." "But..." "I mean, thanks." "Take care." "Can I give you a lift?" "Oh!" "That's OK." "I have to meet Sasha in Bloomsbury so..." "That's where I'm headed!" "OK." "— Get in!" "— Thank you." "Oh, Talullah!" "There you are!" "This is Klaus Fassbinder." "Klaus, this is my daughter Talullah." "And this is her best friend, Paul." "— It's Peter, Mother!" "— It's all right." "Darling, you could have worn something nicer." "You could have worn something." "Full stop." "Sorry, Fassbinder, are you related to the director?" "— Who?" "— Oh, never mind." "Mrs. Wentworth, thank you so much for this invitation." "Oh please!" "Call me Felicity!" "David is perfect for you, darling!" "I can't think why I didn't set you two up earlier!" "So, you're Felicity's daughter?" "Only by birth." "So don't hold it against me." "Donatella!" "Excuse me." "Whoever designed those heels must really hate women." "I designed those heels." "And thank goodness you did!" "Otherwise Mother's arse would be dusting the floor." "So how long have you and Sasha been together?" "3 months." "Really?" "How did you two meet?" "— It's a bit embarrassing actually." "— Oh go on." "Tell me." "We met at a beach party at Ipanema." "Sasha wanted to take my picture." "I said no." "He pestered me." "And one thing led to another." "And..." "Well, here I am." "Sasha's a wonderful photographer." "Yes." "So everyone says." "You're not interested in photography?" "Oh, very much." "I studied it at university." "But I'm more into reportage." "Capturing real moments." "Sasha's brilliant at capturing real moments." "Don't you think?" "Not really." "I think Sasha's brilliant at creating moments." "Most of which aren't real." "But then again, fashion isn't real, so maybe he's capturing reality after all." "What do you think?" "I think people shouldn't bite the hand that feeds them." "Excuse me?" "I mean, thanks to a chance encounter at a beach party, you hook up with one of the world's top fashion photographers." "First class travel, exotic locations." "You really hit quite the jackpot." "You think that's why I'm with him?" "Well, it's obviously not out of respect for his work." "Do you always judge people so quickly?" "I'm notjudging you." "No?" "Then maybe you're judging Sasha." "You seem to think the only reason someone might be with him is for this 'jackpot.'" "This is fine." "Thanks for the ride." "I would like to welcome you all to this year's" "'Fashion Against the impending Threat of Global Warming.'" "There is nothing more important right now, than global poverty." "I mean in the warming sense." "Actually, I was just talking to Donatella." "— Sorry, I'm late." "So is he here?" "— Not yet." "— Where's Talullah?" "— In the bathroom." "She's been eating large quantities of hash brownies." "— Again?" "— Yeah." "So with no further ado, I would like to introduce any available British celebrity!" "I mean..." "Angus Deaton!" "— Bitch!" "— Wanker!" "Thank you and thank you to Felicity for all her." "Jacks!" "You look so pretty!" "I think you're very, very pretty Jacks." "Thank you, Talullah." "I think you're very pretty too." "But not as pretty as Freedom's wife!" "I'm sure you're far prettier than Freedom's wife." "You're just saying that because you're a POOF!" "Talullah!" "What's wrong with you?" "Genetics." "— Hello, Jones." "— It's Jacks, Mother!" "— You look lovely!" "— Thank you." "So do you!" "I don't!" "I'm pasty white." "Why wasn't I born black?" "OK, first up then we have an outfit called" "Ice Dream donated by Klaus Fassbinder!" "Let's start the bidding." "If you would at 1,000 pounds." "Thank you, sir." "David's flight from New York must have been delayed." "But he should be here at any minute." "He was very intrigued by what I told him!" "What, what you told him?" "You know, about how you saw him at the hotel and it was love at first sight!" "And what a catch you are." "How it's about time you found yourself a nice boyfriend!" "You told him all that?" "He seemed very flattered Paul!" "1,500 pounds." "Any advance on 1,500 pounds?" "Going once, going twice... 10,000 pounds!" "10,000 pounds!" "Don't touch the dress!" "Any advance on 10,000 pounds." "No?" "Going once." "Going twice!" "10,000 pounds!" "I was only joking." "I was just kidding!" "I was only joking." "It was a joke." "Charity!" "Hello?" "Oh, hi James." "— Do I live here?" "— No, I live here." "Oh, how do you do?" "Oh, Peter, I feel so bad." "C'mon, drink this." "No, I mean about you." "Not getting to meet Robbie Williams because of me." "It's OK." "#I'm loving angels instead... — How's our patient?" "— She'll live." "— Well, I have great news!" "— Oh yes, what?" "— You know James is in New York." "— Yes, that is great news." "Who guess he ran into at one of the Art Auctions over there." "— Who?" "— David Williams!" "OK!" "Please, please tell me he didn't say anything!" "— Was he not meant to say anything?" "— Oh, my god!" "News of my crush has just travelled across the Atlantic Ocean!" "David Williams must think I'm a needy, desperate freak!" "Well, there's no point in pretending to be something you're not!" "Where do you think you're going?" "I just remembered." "I need a pedicure." "Talullah." "I think just this once, you should paint your own toenails." "Don't be ridiculous!" "I need a lot more incentive to bend over that far." "There's nail polish here." "— Oh, are we at the salon?" "— Yes." "— Ready for lunch?" "— Sure am!" "Is everything OK?" "Oh yeah." "Fine." "T-cells unchanged." "Liver holding up." "Everything's great." "So despite your fragile beauty, you're actually built like an ox." "Go figure." "Did you hear the news about David?" "Yes." "Talullah's Mother told me he never even showed." "Which actually proves my theory he must think" "I'm a stalker freak." "I'm sure he doesn't think that." "Fin, in 3 short weeks he's heard about my desperate obsession from you, from Talullah's mother, and now from James, all the way in New York!" "Read this!" "David didn't show because he had to stay in New York." "Because he was promoted to Sotheby's New York office." "Satisfied?" "I can't believe I drove him out the country." "Come on." "Jacks." "Have you ever thought this whole 'true love' thing might be a conspiracy?" "— A conspiracy?" "— Yeah, a capitalist conspiracy." "A lie concocted by the Film, Publishing and Music industries." "All pushing this thing, this concept that doesn't even exist!" "True love doesn't exist?" "Well, think about it." "Where is it besides songs, books and films?" "I mean, who can honestly say 'I will always love you?" "'" "— Whitney Houston?" "— Yeah, when she's high on crack." "The point is, Everyone's miserable because they're looking for this nonexistent 'thing,' or else they're miserable because they think they've settled for less." "I'm not miserable." "And I believe in true love." "Yeah, which is why you're still sleeping with your ex-boyfriend." "'Breakfast at Tiffany's' is on." "Wanna watch?" "I just told you films have destroyed my ability to love." "I thought that was your mother." "Good point." "Shove over." "This is your favorite film?" "Look at me." "Can't you tell?" "— Where's Daphne?" "— Out." "Can I give her a message?" "These are the contact sheets from the shoot." "I've marked my selects." "Tell Daphne my assistant Paolo is handling the retouching, so if she needs any other prints, she can call him at the lab." "OK." "And if she needs me, I'll be at my boyfriend's in Paris." "— Paolo?" "— What about him?" "Paolo isn't your boyfriend?" "Why would you think he was my boyfriend?" "I just assumed." "Talking to Paolo." "— Really?" "— I'm sorry." "No need to be sorry, carino!" "You're not the first person who gets this impression from Paolo." "To be honest, I think maybe he had a little crush on me." "I'm very flattered of course, and if I wasn't already involved." "But, you know, it's all about timing, no?" "And right now, I have a train to catch!" "Ciao ciao!" "Ciao, ciao." "These look great." "Paolo." "Look, I'm sorry about the other night." "Sasha told me everything and I feel like an idiot." "Could you please forgive me?" "Yes." "You don't know me." "If you did, you'd know I'd never take advantage of Sasha." "Anyway." "I should go." "Have a good weekend." "You, too." "— So how do I get to know you?" "— What?" "— How about over a cup of coffee?" "— A cup of coffee?" "It's the least I could do after the other day!" "Besides, we can't have you all alone in London on a Friday night!" "You make me sound like an exchange student." "— I didn't mean it like that." "— No?" "Then why else would someone like you want to have a coffee with me?" "Someone like me?" "It's OK." "Really." "I forgive you." "So you can stop feeling sorry for me or guilty or whatever." "I'm sure you have better things to do on a Friday night." "Actually, 'someone like me' has nothing to do on a Friday night." "OK?" "Oh, but wait, now you're going to say 'someone like me' only wants to have coffee with you because I've got nothing better to do." "I just can't win can I?" "Never mind." "To tell you the truth, 'someone like me' hates coffee." "I hate coffee too." "Este..." "Where did you learn to speak Spanish like that?" "What?" "Not what you'd expect from 'someone like me?" "'" "I find you very confusing." "So does my boyfriend." "My ex-boyfriend." "Do you want to get a drink?" "There's this amazing place near here." "Tonight's South American night." "OK." "But only because I feel sorry for myself, and I know you must feel guilty." "I really appreciate you seeing me on such short notice." "Finlay thinks the world of you." "And I think THE WORLD of Finlay!" "Yes, well..." "He said you really sorted him out on the relationship front." "And I could certainly use some help there." "You see I've never actually been in a relationship except in my own head." "And how long did that last?" "— What?" "— The relationship in your head." "No." "I mean, it's an ongoing problem." "They only last in my head." "For varying amounts of time." "So you have a problem with monogamy?" "No, no that." "No, that's not my problem." "Denial is not a river in Egypt!" "Not a river in Egypt." "D'you see what I did there?" "Just that's a little therapistjoke." "Doesn't always work." "— OK, right." "Paul?" "— Peter." "— Sorry?" "— Peter." "Peter." "Peter." "Yes, it is." "You're absolutely right." "Peter." "That's a good start." "Well done you!" "I think I can help you." "— You do?" "— I do." "I think you are stuck in that pre relationship moment of infatuation and you need to be reminded that a real relationship has many, many, many more stages." "Stages." "I like that." "Relationships are best measured by farting." "Excuse me?" "The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting." "Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence." "This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste." "This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy 'ooh did you fart?" "' followed by the sheepish admission of truth." "This heralds a period of deeper intimacy." "A period I like to call the 'fart honeymoon'." "Where both parties find each other's gas just the cutest thing in the world." "But of course no honeymoon can last forever." "And so we reach the critical fork in the fart." "Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass, thereby signifying true love or else, it begins to annoy and disgust." "Thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formerly beloved." "Do you see what I'm getting at?" "Peter?" "Peter?" "Earth to Peter?" "— What?" "— Sorry I'm late." "I was talking to Tony." "Who's Tony?" "You know." "Tony." "From the phone company." "You're seeing your obscene phone caller?" "Of course I'm not 'seeing him', darling." "We're having a strictly phone-based relationship." "So what's going on?" "Finlay thinks I should see his therapist." "Finlay sees a therapist?" "Yeah, some woman he says is really good with relationships." "Maybe I should see her." "I think I need to get in touch with my inner child." "Talullah, if you get in touch with your inner child you're going to need an inner nanny." "Oh, I don't trust nannies." "They're all whores!" "— What about Mary Poppins?" "— Slut!" "What are you talking about?" "She left the convent, married Christopher Plummer, and then took all his children up the Alps." "Speaking of The Sound of Music, where's Jacks?" "The riots completely shut down Buenos Aires." "It was unbelievable!" "The whole country, rich, poor, young, old, everyone for this one moment, came together." "— These are incredible!" "— The moment was incredible." "You captured the moment." "My friend Finlay owns an art gallery." "I'd love to show these to him." "— That's very kind of you but..." "— Very kind of me?" "What?" "You think you're some kind of charity case?" "— No, but..." "I just..." "— Don't tell me you're afraid." "I'm afraid you're drunk." "Because I think you're talented?" "Because you've had 3 caiperinhas." "— Do you know how to tango?" "— Yeah." "Why?" "Because, everyone knows you can't be drunk and tango." "So if I can tango, then I'm not drunk." "And I get to show your pictures to Finlay." "Well, then you're right and I won't tell a soul." "Tambien..." "So about my friend Finlay." "— So tell me your secret." "— What secret?" "How an American can speak like a Spaniard and dance like an Argentinean." "— I'm not American." "— No?" "Well, not technically." "I was born in England." "My Father was English." "My Mother was Spanish." "I grew up with my Mother's family in America." "After my parents died." "How old were you when you moved to America?" "Five." "— I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry." "— It's not that." "It's just I don't want to be one of those awful characters out of a movie that gushes out their past while the violins play." "I mean I had a bad age five." "I had a terrible age five, actually." "But all in all, since then, my life's been pretty blessed." "— So do you live alone?" "— No, I live with Peter." "— Oh?" "Your boyfriend?" "— Oh God no!" "He's my best friend." "We went to college together." "He's gay." "All the good ones are..." "You should meet him actually." "He's a brilliant writer." "Screenplays." "Well, that's the goal at least." "He's just the sweetest, funniest, kindest guy I know." "If he wasn't gay, I'd have married him years ago." "— He sounds wonderful." "— He is!" "What are you doing tomorrow?" "Tomorrow?" "Nothing." "You wanna have dinner?" "Oh, sure!" "Great!" "Come over at 8!" "Ta da!" "Well, I had an amazing time tonight." "Me, too." "Bye!" "I've never been for a walk in the morning before." "At least, not since I've been in New York... — Hey, babies!" "— Hi!" "— What are you doing?" "— Watching 'Breakfast at Tiffany's.'" "— Again?" "— Yeah, I'm doing research." "Stop doing research and would you write your goddamn screenplay!" "Did you realize, in the book, the male character's gay?" "That's why they have such an amazing friendship." "Because she feels safe with him." "Whereas in the film, he's straight and she just wears gorgeous hats." "Speaking of gorgeous, I just met the cutest Argentinean boy." "Oh, yeah?" "He's absolutely gorgeous." "And sweet and smart." "And an amazing tango dancer!" "That's very useful in today's world." "Who also happens to be an exceptionally talented photographer." "Oh!" "Does this mean we're finally over James?" "— James?" "He's gay!" "— James is gay?" "!" "No, Paolo." "Paolo is gay." "He's been assisting for Sasha, you know the fashion photographer and I thought that they were, you know, sleeping together but now they're not." "And he really wants to meet you." "He doesn't know anyone in London." "And I told him that you'd have dinner with him... — What?" "— Tomorrow." "It'll be good for you." "It'll take your mind off." "Jacks!" "There is absolutely no way I am going on another blind date." "The answer's no!" "Paolo!" "Hi!" "Come in!" "Come in!" "I'm afraid I'm running late!" "Oh, these are lovely, but Peter hates flowers." "We'll pretend they're for me." "Can I get you something to drink?" "Champagne?" "Sure." "So, how was your Saturday?" "— Paolo?" "— What?" "What did you do today?" "Oh, yeah." "I went to the Tate." "The Museum." "The Tate Modern Museum." "— Your first time?" "— Yep." "And?" "What did you think?" "I mean, it's pretty amazing visually." "Right?" "The way it's built." "Isn't itjust visually stunning?" "Don't you think, Paolo?" "Yeah!" "Paolo, I can't hear you." "Can you come back here?" "I don't want to have to scream." "So what else did you?" "After the Tate Modern?" "I'm sorry, I didn't..." "I'll just close the door." "Oh, it's fine!" "Peter and I always have our best conversations when I'm in the bath." "— Peter?" "— Jacks?" "Shit!" "— Jacks!" "— I'll be right out!" "— Is that Peter?" "— No." "James." "Do me a favour." "Go out and tell him I'll be out in 5." "And close the door behind you." "Hi, sorry, I..." "Jacks is in the bath." "She says she'll be out in 5." "— Who are you?" "— Paolo Sarmiento." "I, I work with Jacks." "— James!" "— Peter." "Hi." "— Hello?" "— Hi, Peter." "I'm Paolo." "Paolo." "Hi." "Hi!" "I've heard so much about you." "Really?" "— Where's, where's Jacks?" "— In the bath, apparently." "Right." "Excuse me for a second?" "— What's he doing here?" "— He just flew back from New York." "Not James." "Paolo!" "— He's having dinner with you." "— No!" "No." "No way." "Why not?" "Give me one good reason." "— It's too soon." "— Too soon?" "— I'm still not over David." "— You don't even know David." "That's a technicality." "Besides, after everything everyone's said," "I feel like I know him very well." "Babies, David doesn't even live in London anymore." "Oh, so you're saying I should forget about him purely for geographic reasons?" "I'm saying that I don't think it's healthy for you to have a long distance relationship with someone you've never even met!" "How does that look?" "More blush?" "— No, you're good." "— Thank you." "I'm afraid Jacks sort of surprised me with this." "Yes." "She surprised me too." "Yeah, well, that's our Jacks!" "Full of surprises!" "So is James..." "Are they together?" "Well, technically no." "But for all practical purposes, yes." "— I don't understand." "— Join the club." "When it comes to love, Jacks is completely incomprehensible." "So does she love him?" "I suppose, in a way, she must." "I just don't think she likes him very much." "But come to think of it, Jacks never goes out with men she actually likes." "You're insane." "Why, because I don't like you having strange men with you while you're in the bath?" "— Jams, he's gay, for God sakes!" "— Great, another poof." "Since when did you become homophobic?" "Since I realized being gay is the only way to be intimate with you." "Don't be absurd." "I can't believe I've just vomited the entire saga of my imaginary love life with David Williams." "I enjoyed it." "It's like a movie." "— Yeah, but you must think I'm crazy." "— Yes." "But I like crazy people." "Yeah?" "So do I." "But enough about me." "What do you think about me?" "No, I'm joking." "No, I'm not." "No, I was." "Sam, can we have some sambucca, please?" "— Don't answer." "— I really should." "— Why?" "— It might be somebody." "Hello?" "Talullah!" "Oh sweetie." "Hold on a sec." "It's Talullah." "She's having a crisis." "How bloody unusual." "OK." "Tell me exactly what happened." "He's stopped calling." "— Freedom?" "— Tony." "Who's Tony?" "You know." "Tony from the phone company." "The psycho who was making obscene calls?" "They weren't obscene!" "They were sweet." "It was the perfect relationship." "I never felt ugly or fat." "I knew he wasn't with me for my money." "— I miss him, Jacks!" "— Talullah, don't be ridiculous." "I can't help how I feel!" "Why is it as soon as I fall in love with a man, he abandons me?" "You don't love Tony!" "Yes I do!" "I do love Tony." "What did I do wrong?" "OK." "Let's indulge this sick fantasy." "What's the last thing you said to Prince Charming?" "'Stop pestering me or I'll call the police!" "'" "Oh, this is us." "Do you want to come upstairs for another drink?" "I want to, but I probably shouldn't." "I have to be at the lab at 7." "— Oh, OK." "Well..." "— But I really enjoyed meeting you." "So did I." "So did I." "— Are you OK here?" "— Oh my God!" "Oh God!" "— You don't!" "I..." "— I'm so sorry!" "I'm so sorry!" "I'm so sorry." "I was just... — I'm really embarrassed." "— No, no, no, listen, Peter." "I really like you a lot, but..." "But you don't like me in that way." "Look, I know that speech." "I use that speech because I actually wrote that speech..." "I'm not gay." "— I didn't write that part!" "— I'm straight." "Since when?" "I suppose I first noticed when I was around 8." "I thought it was just a phase, you know, but eventually" "I had to accept the truth." "I like women." "Oh this is good!" "This is really good." "You know, Jacks is useless at fixing people up... — Jacks thought I was gay?" "— Oh she sure did." "And I'm really going to enjoy making her feel stupid about this one." "No!" "Please don't." "I think I should tell her myself." "You and Jacks?" "You and, you and Jacks?" "Oh my God!" "Oh, look, I..." "I..." "I won't say a word." "I promise." "— Thanks." "— Cross my heart." "— I should go." "— Yeah." "Yes." "— Goodnight." "— Goodnight." "So what did you say to Jacks when you got back?" "— Nothing, she wasn't there." "— But you're going to tell her." "Sorry, I'm late!" "I was in the middle of an absolutely gripping book." "I couldn't put it down." "Oh, what book's that?" "My memoirs, darling." "I've decided to publish." "Bloody Mary please." "Light on the bloody." "— Where's Jacks?" "— Spending the weekend with James." "— Oh God, how disgusting!" "— Be nice." "I'm sorry, but James Wildstone stands for absolutely everything I despise." "I thought he was a good friend of your family?" "Exactly my point." "Well, we shouldn'tjudge." "Maybe he's good sex." "Oh, don't be absurd." "He's public school." "So he probably likes being spanked." "Or buggered." "Or both." "— Sounds like good sex to me." "— And me!" "And me actually." "I can't believe he's so late!" "Pandora, try Sasha's mobile." "— I tried it 5 minutes ago." "— Try again." "And leave another message." "Do you have his boyfriend's number in Paris?" "He got back from Paris last night." "He broke up with his boyfriend this weekend." "— He did?" "Is he OK?" "— Not really." "But Jacks, look, it'll be fine." "Sasha always turns up." "— I left another message." "— Thanks, Pandora." "So I had a nice evening with Peter the other night." "Oh my God!" "Really?" "Isn't he great?" "Smart, funny and cute." "Yes, he's absolutely lovely." "Where's Daphne?" "She had to go to court today." "She left me in charge." "Who put up those lights?" "I did, I thought you might want them in the shot." "You're not here to think!" "You're here to do what I think!" "OK?" "So now you take all this down and you bring me a ring light." "Pandora?" "Where is Pandora?" "Where is it?" "Here." "What's yourjob?" "I'm a wardrobe assistant." "A wardrobe assistant?" "No, you're a piece of shit!" "How dare you call my mobile every 10 minutes and leave me endless messages." "I told her to call, Sasha!" "We were worried." "— You were late." "— I know I was late!" "I just don't need a nobody leaving me endless messages about it!" "— I understand you had a rough weekend..." "— No, you don't understand!" "You understand nothing!" "And I suggest you stop meddling with things you don't understand, and just do yourjob!" "Whatever the hell that is." "I don't know, go steam something!" "Sasha!" "Jacks, he doesn't mean that... — Don't you tell her what I mean!" "— Don't speak to her like that." "Get out!" "You're fired!" "You heard me?" "You're fired!" "Go back to Argentina!" "You and your little pathetic snapshots!" "Bye bye!" "Anyone else have something to say?" "I have something to say." "— Apologize!" "— I'm sorry?" "I said apologize!" "— Are you insane?" "— Obviously!" "I work at Vogue!" "But don't change the subject!" "— Apologize." "— Or else?" "Or else, I'm walking out with all those dresses." "Oh!" "I have a better idea." "I will do the walking out thing." "And let's see what Daphne has to say about that!" "Paolo, can I ask a favour?" "Ah, the classic movie moment when the underdog gets to prove his real worth and win the heart of his true love!" "Don't give away the ending!" "It's a romantic comedy!" "How do you think it ends?" "Hi, sunshine, how are you?" "I just had the most surreal day." "I had a huge fight with Sasha." "Paolo took over the shoot, and he was absolutely brilliant." "I'm probably going to get fired tomorrow, but it was so worth itjust to see Paolo in action." "Oh my God!" "This is so scary!" "What's she watching?" "Notting Hill." "So what did you think about Paolo?" "Was I right or was I right?" "Are those my only options?" "Oh no, don't tell me you didn't like him." "I liked him a lot!" "I'm just not sure I'm his type." "Of course, you're his type!" "He told me himself he thought you were 'lovely.'" "Well, I didn't see that coming!" "What?" "Julia Roberts ending up with Hugh Grant!" "You know, Jacks." "When I told you to take care of the shoot," "I was thinking more along the lines of ordering the sushi, not enraging our top photographer." "I can't help it if Sasha's an overpampered monster." "We work in fashion." "Everyone's an overpampered monster." "Yes, but that isn't an excuse to be so vile to people." "Besides, his pictures don't have an ounce of truth to them." "But since when does truth have anything to do with fashion?" "Well, it doesn't." "But maybe it should." "— So you were Sasha's assistant?" "— Yes." "How very 'All About Eve.'" "'All About Eve?" "'" "It's a movie, darling." "It's about an assistant who seems all sweet and innocent but is really quite ambitious and ruthless." "You should rent it sometime." "Daphne, he was doing me a favour." "— I've seen it." "— You have?" "And what did you think?" "I found it rather silly actually." "The idea that Bette Davis could be the victim of anyone is absurd." "Pick 4 and run it." "Oh my God, Paolo!" "You were amazing!" "Thanks." "So were you!" "The way you handled Daphne!" "I mean I knew you were talented, but I had no idea that under that shy, sweet exterior was such steely confidence!" "What other secrets are you keeping from me?" "Actually, Jacks, I did want to talk to you about... — Ah, Jacks!" "There you are!" "— James?" "Hello, Darling!" "Hello?" "James, you remember Paolo?" "Yes." "Hello, Paolo?" "James?" "What are you doing here?" "Well, actually, I was just having lunch across the street and I came to tell you the good news in person." "What good news?" "Peter is finally going to meet the love of his life!" "— What?" "— David Williams is in town." "He's leading a special auction at Sotheby's." "And he and I were just having lunch together, and I just happened to mention Peter's name." "And he suggested that we bring Peter to the auction tonight!" "— He did?" "— Well, actually, I suggested it." "But he thinks it's a great idea!" "So did I do good or did I do good?" "You did great." "I should probably go." "Paolo, congratulations on today." "Tell Peter I wish him good luck with David." "Jacks?" "What are you thinking?" "I'm thinking about Peter and David living happily ever after." "What if I've written the worst script ever?" "What if everyone hates it?" "Look, most great artists have to deal with rejection in their lifetime." "Yes, I'm not a great artist!" "Look, I know I'm not some genius like Van Gogh." "Thank God." "I like my men with 2 ears." "I'm, I'm being serious." "What if I'm not any good?" "What if I have no talent?" "Are you asking if I'll still love you?" "— Snap out of it will you?" "— What?" "We're here." "There you are!" "You guys are late." "Fin, I'm not sure this is such a good idea." "It's an excellent idea." "He's perfect for you, Paul, darling!" "Peter!" "His name is Peter!" "You're about to meet the love of your life!" "To the left!" "There is no need to be so nasty to me just because I don't remember people's names." "550 with you madam, thank you very much." "— That's him!" "— 580." "Anything further on 580?" "— I can't see him." "— There!" "I have Ј600,000." "Back to the telephone bank." "That's not him." "That's not him!" "— You're kidding?" "— No!" "— That's David?" "— No!" "— Are you sure?" "— Yes!" "I have no idea!" "Of course that's David!" "He's just cut his hair." "What hair?" "He's got a lovely smile!" "— He's just cut his hair!" "— And he's lost some weight." "— I don't think so, Fergus..." "— It's Finlay!" "— What?" "— That is not him!" "OK?" "That is not the man I bumped into at the Chancery Hotel." "That is not him!" "Well, he's good enough!" "Oh no!" "No, he's not good enough!" "Because, that man right there, the real David Williams actually exists!" "The real David Williams happens to be a living, breathing, on-the-market gay man!" "Morning, sunshine." "How you feeling?" "— Exhausted." "You?" "— Fine." "I'm going to brunch with Finlay and the wrong David." "I'm so sorry." "Sorry you outed a total stranger or sorry it's the wrong total stranger?" "Both." "I'm quite relieved, to be honest." "At least it's over and done with." "— You OK?" "— I'm fine." "I was just up most of the night thinking..." "About?" "Oh, love and other disasters." "— That must be Finlay." "— Send him my love." "— I don't have to go to this thing." "— Go!" "I'll be right down." "— Morning." "— Morning." "— Would you like some coffee?" "— No, thank you." "That's Peter, he must have forgotten his keys." "I'm going to take a bath." "Paolo, hi!" "— Hi." "— Are you OK?" "Not really." "I haven't slept all night." "Come in." "Come in." "It's just..." "I've been wanting to talk to you about the other night with Peter." "But it seems every time I'm about to, something or someone gets in the way." "I'm sorry." "No!" "It's not your fault." "It's just... — He's not here, is he?" "— No." "No, he's out." "Good." "— I feel terrible." "Why should you feel terrible?" "I had no idea how you felt." "What the hell is going on?" "— I don't believe it." "— No, wait!" "— I shouldn't have come." "— Wait!" "— James, what's wrong with you?" "— Nothing's wrong with me!" "He needs to talk!" "What's your problem?" "He's my problem!" "Excuse me?" "Paolo!" "I may not speak Spanish, but I'm not an idiot." "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about you and that bloody Paolo." "He was upset about Peter." "He wanted to talk." "Bullshit!" "— What?" "— I want him out of your life!" "— Or else?" "— Or else we're through!" "See." "This is exactly why I don't want to be in a relationship with you!" "Oh really?" "Then what the hell is this?" "What the hell are we in?" "I don't know." "This is just some sort of fucking game to you, isn't it?" "What's a game?" "This." "We fuck and then you say you don't want a relationship." "— It's not a game." "— Oh no?" "Then what is it?" "It's..." "It's the truth." "Bullshit!" "I don't believe it is the truth!" "For the last six months you've been saying one thing and then doing another." "You've been playing me!" "No!" "But I am sorry." "What are you sorry about?" "I didn't mean to hurt you!" "Fucking condescending!" "I didn't mean it like that." "I just..." "I want..." "What do you want?" "I want this to end." "So after all that, I'm not the one?" "Bit of a relief, huh?" "I suppose so." "You must have thought I was a stalker freak." "Thanks to my discreet friends." "We were just trying to help." "Yes, by making me out to be a desperate fantasist?" "You are a desperate fantasist." "— No, I'm not actually." "— He is." "I'm a fantasist, I'm not desperate." "Well, I suppose I'd never have lived up to your fantasy anyway." "Trust me, David." "Nobody could." "— Tom!" "— Sorry, I'm late!" "— Tom, this is Peter and Finlay." "— Hey, Tom." "I think we've met." "— Finlay!" "How have you been?" "— Great!" "And you?" "Can't complain." "Can't complain." "Finally out of the art world!" "Tom's acting now." "— Acting?" "— Yeah, that's why I'm late." "Had an audition for a new drama at the BBC." "— How'd it go?" "— Good!" "Well, great actually." "I was so inside the character." "You know?" "And then they asked for a monologue so I did that one from Streetcar which everyone loves." "The actress I was doing it with, she was hopeless." "I was doing my best..." "Are you OK?" "— That's him." "— Who?" "That's the guy I bumped into at the Hotel!" "What?" "Sorry." "Excuse me, I just need to use the loo, actually." "— Finlay?" "— Right!" "I'll just..." "Give you a hand!" "I can't believe you said 'I'll give you a hand!" "'" "I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry!" "But listen, I think I know what happened!" "Tom used to be David's assistant." "They both must have gone to the hotel, but Tom arrived with the paintings on his own." "Which is when you bumped into him!" "Great!" "So, now what do I do?" "Well, I'd probably zip up." "Mustn't seem over-eager." "I can't believe you're cooking dinner for some guy you just met yesterday!" "His name is Tom." "You know what they say." "'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.'" "Don't you think that's aiming a bit high?" "Don't you think you should applaud my courage?" "I would but my hands are full." "Anyway, I'm off." "Don't you at least want to meet Tom?" "Why?" "I prefer Paolo." "Maybe that's something worth considering." "Little late for that." "I've been trying to call you since yesterday but your mobile isn't working." "I, I ran out of credit." "— Can I come in?" "— Yeah, sure." "What are you doing?" "I have to fly back to Argentina tomorrow." "— What?" "Why?" "— I don't belong here." "What are you talking about?" "Your career's about to take off in London." "You have 4 pages in the new Vogue!" "OK, I know how you feel about fashion." "And I agree with you!" "But at least it'll pay the rent." "While you do your own work." "And I've spoken to Finlay." "And he wants to meet you." "Maybe put a show on at his gallery for you." "— You can'tjust go home now!" "— I'm being deported." "Immigration got a tip I was working here illegally." "— A tip?" "From who?" "— Does it matter?" "James." "It was James." "We don't know that." "— You're not going." "— Jacks, I don't have a choice." "Yes, you do." "You can marry me!" "Jacks." "I can't ask you to do that." "Then it's a good thing I'm asking!" "Yes." "And it's very kind of you." "But..." "It's not fair to you." "Look." "I know you think I'm doing this out of guilt or pity." "But that's just not true." "I'm doing this because I want to." "Because I know that you're on the verge of fulfilling your dreams!" "And if I could be a part of that, that would make me happy." "And I don't want you to go." "So please." "Marry me!" "I don't know what to say." "Well, unless you want me to feel totally humiliated say yes." "I'm like, fuck that." "I know I'm talented." "I don't need some RADA degree to tell me." "You know what I mean?" "And besides, I'm not interested in being some luvvie character actor." "I am a leading man, for fuck's sake." "So why waste my time studying during my peak years." "You know what I mean?" "Yes, yes." "Well, I, I think I do." "I mean sometimes studying can become a way of avoiding doing..." "I'm just not sure whether I should cut my hair." "I mean, my agent thinks I should, but I think it's what makes me distinctive." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah." "I think I do." "So... you wanna go to bed?" "What?" "Do you want to go to bed?" "You know, have sex?" "I..." "I don't like wasting time when I know what I want." "Is everything OK?" "Yes, I was just trying Peter, but he didn't answer." "Oh, you ordered me another drink." "Thanks, Babies!" "You're so thoughtful!" "So what happened with you and James?" "The same thing that happens with all straight men." "They pretend that they're fine with you having a career and being independent." "But deep down, they resent it." "Or they want to change it." "Well, not all straight men." "Trust me!" "All of them!" "At the end of the day, all straight men just want one thing." "You know what that is?" "Sex?" "Control!" "The problem with straight men is that no matter how hard they try, they still need to control, to dominate." "Thank God you're gay!" "— Jacks." "— I mean think about it!" "Why do you think we feel so comfortable together?" "Because I know you're not trying to score." "Anyway." "I'm through with straight men!" "A toast!" "No more straight men!" "Good riddance I say!" "And now, we have a very special dedication for Paolo." "Paolo, this one's from your future wife!" "Happy Wedding, Babies!" "I just remembered that Peter might have a boy at the house." "Can I stay at yours?" "Sunderland Terrace!" "Thanks." "Oh my god, I just used your toothbrush." "No problem." "I think I'm drunk." "The room's sloshing." "You going to stand up all night?" "— No." "— Good." "Come." "I think my parents would have really liked you." "You're so smart and kind and you're so really talented." "— Jacks!" "— I think you're exactly the kind of person they would have wanted me to marry." "Well, not exactly." "But not in terms of what counts." "I know that I don't know you very well, but I feel safe with you." "Is that crazy?" "No." "It's not crazy." "I trust you." "Jacks, I need to tell you something." "— Get into bed and tell me." "— I can't." "I promise I won't make a pass." "— It's not you I'm worried about." "— What, Paolo?" "You're so drunk!" "Tom." "Tom!" "It's time to get up." "— What time is it?" "— Almost 9." "You gotta go." "— Excuse me?" "— You gotta go." "I've got some friends coming over for brunch." "Tom, you're in my apartment." "Talullah, I can't get into it now." "Just meet me at the Registry." "I'm not getting married without a maid of honour." "No!" "Sweetie, you don't need to write a poem." "Look, I have to try Peter again." "He hasn't been answering the phone all night." "OK, bye." "— Hello?" "— Peter!" "Finally!" "— Hi, Jacks." "— I've been calling you all night!" "I know, I'm sorry." "I turned my phone off." "— Tim spend the night?" "— Tom!" "— Whatever." "— I agree." "Reality crashes in." "I'm sorry, Babies." "Now listen." "I need you to come down to the Islington Registry right away." "— I'm getting married." "— What?" "Jacks!" "I'll tell you everything when you get there." "I just managed to get a cancellation at 11 sharp." "That's in 20 minutes!" "And I still need to buy a wedding outfit!" "— Gotta run." "Bye!" "— Oh, wait!" "Oh, pull over right there!" "I'll be right back!" "Paolo!" "Thank God you're here!" "— Have they called our names yet?" "— No." "Emily Jackson and Paolo Sar-mentio?" "Are you all here for the Jackson wedding party?" "If anyone knows why these two individuals before me should not be married, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." "— I'm not gay." "— Excuse me?" "I'm not gay!" "Of course you're not gay!" "He's not!" "Gay." "I mean." "How nice for both of you." "Now, if there's any other reason why..." "And I think I'm in love with you." "— What?" "— I mean, I'm in love with her." "— Paolo, what are you doing?" "— Telling the truth." "I'm not gay and I think I'm in love with you." "I know I should have said something before." "But every time when I started, it seemed like the wrong time." "Or maybe I didn't have the courage." "But then when you suggested getting married." "I just got swept up with the idea because I wanted more than anything to stay." "I wanted to stay with you." "I know I should have said something but..." "But, What?" "You wanted to make a fool?" "Out of me first?" "Jacks." "You know that's not true." "I have no idea what's true!" "— Oh, Jacks." "— I trusted you!" "I told you things." "I was naked in your bed!" "Did you know about this?" "— Yes." "— You?" "— No!" "— I told you!" "Yes!" "And now I've lied." "I can't believe I trusted any of you!" "Jacks!" "Please..." "Next." "— Go away!" "— I'm coming in." "I should be very mad at you." "I'm sorry." "I'm just so stupid!" "How could I be so stupid?" "You're not stupid, you just saw what you wanted to see." "I can't believe I trusted him!" "I can." "He's a great guy." "He deserves your trust." "Don't you dare defend him!" "Look, all I'm saying is what's really changed about Paolo since he told you he was straight?" "— Everything!" "— Yes, everything you're used to." "Everything you're comfortable with." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Have you ever considered you didn't want to see how Paolo really felt about you?" "Because that would have meant breaking your rule." "— What rule?" "— To only have sex with people you don't love and to only really love people you don't have sex with." "— That's not true." "— Yes, it is." "Because that way you know you can't really get hurt." "Look, Paolo hasn't changed." "He's still the same person." "He's still the same person you know and believe in." "And think is kind and smart and sweet and bloody sexy." "The only thing that's changed is what might happen between you." "And he can tango!" "God, babies." "You were so right!" "I mean when I think about it now, he tried to tell me so many times." "And I just wouldn't let him." "I didn't want to hear it." "I didn't want to see it!" "I was so blind!" "Watch out!" "— What time is it?" "— 5:30." "What time's his flight?" "6!" "Hold on, babies." "— Ticket?" "— Oh, I'm not flying." "Only ticketed passengers past this point." "Yes, but I need to speak to someone on the BA flight to Buenos Aires." "It's an emergency!" "Try the BA's customer service counter." "— They can call the gate." "— You're a genius!" "I have an emergency message for someone on your flight to Buenos Aires." "Flight to Buenos Aires?" "I'm sorry but that flight's already pulled out of the gate." "It had an early departure." "An early departure?" "An early departure?" "What are the chances of that?" "If this was a movie, there wouldn't be an early departure." "If this was a movie, you'd be blonde!" "If this was a movie, you'd be famous!" "That's the problem with life, it's nothing like the movies." "I can't believe you're really going." "I'm following your advice." "I'm breaking my rules." "Good for you!" "Are you sure you're going to be OK?" "Jacks!" "I'm not a child, I'll be fine." "— I worry about you, Babies." "— You worry about everyone." "No, I worry about you more." "I just don't want you to end up alone." "Well, neither do I. And stop being so dramatic!" "So stop living your life like you're in some kind of movie." "Excuse me?" "Stop trying to cast your true love instead ofjust meeting him." "— When I meet him, I'll know." "— I'm not so sure." "Love isn't always a lightning bolt, you know?" "Maybe sometimes it's just a choice." "Well, that's easy for you to say!" "You're flying to Argentina to meet the love of your life!" "That's just it." "I don't know that Paolo's the love of my life' but I've decided to give him the chance to be." "Maybe true love is a decision." "You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody." "To give to somebody." "Without worrying whether they'll give anything back." "Or if they're gonna hurt you, or if they really are the one." "Maybe love isn't something that happens to you." "Maybe it's something you have to choose." "So what do I do?" "Well, you could start by putting all of those fantasies of true love where they belong into your work of fiction." "'Love and Other Disasters.'" "Nice title." "Catchy." "But it'll never fit on the marquee." "How aboutjust 'Love Disasters?" "'" "What?" "I love that Jacks." "She's got that British quirkiness audiences love." "'Hello, Babies!" "'" "Yes, but technically she speaks with an American accent because she's grown up in America so..." "Nah, it's too complicated." "Let's make her English." "— Perfect part for Gwyneth!" "— Gwyneth Paltrow?" "Finest English actress of her generation!" "Brainstorm!" "Orlando Bloom as the Mexican." "Paolo's Argentinean!" "And we'll cover the American angle with Drew and Cameron." "Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz?" "As who?" "Playing David and Tom." "I'm sorry, you want me to get rid of the gay story line?" "I don't want you to get rid of anything!" "I'm just saying instead of David and Tom, we have Daisy and Tina." "— I..." "— Also, you gotta fiddle with that ending." "We need a bigger movie moment when Jacks finally connects" "— with Paolo." "— Yes, but..." "Sorry, the whole point is there is no big movie moment because they both discover that true love is a process not an event." "You know, Peter." "I get it." "This script is like your baby, isn't it?" "Well, yes, I suppose it is..." "I understand that." "Believe me, I understand that." "Come here." "I want to give you some advice!" "You gotta kill your baby!" "You gotta fuckin' kill your baby!" "Right." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Sorry." "— Peter!" "— David!" "Hi!" "— How are you?" "— Good, good." "You?" "Great, I've managed to convince Sotheby's to transfer me back to London." "How's the writing going?" "Good, thanks, I've finally finished a screenplay." "Great!" "What's it about?" "Oh, it's just about some guy who realizes he's been looking for love in all the wrong places." "— Like in hotel lobbies?" "— Yes, or in his head." "— Well, congratulations!" "— Thank you, thank you." "You may want to wait until you've seen the film." "I don't need to." "I'm congratulating you for having the courage to write it." "How it turns out or even if it turns out that's out of your hands." "— Anyway, take care." "— Yes." "You, too." "It's on the left when we get out." "David!" "Peter?" "Are you OK?" "No." "Actually, I'm very out of shape and that nearly killed me." "But I needed to tell you two things." "First, I'm really sorry I was so self-absorbed when I first met you at brunch." "You don't have to apologize to me." "Oh, no, I'm not apologizing to you." "I'm sorry for my own sake." "You see, I was so caught up in my own head." "I missed out on getting to know you." "And I would like to get to know you." "I mean if you'd be willing to give me another chance?" "Maybe let me take you out for dinner?" "Oh, I don't know." "See, I've had this fantasy in my head about having dinner with you." "What if you don't live up to it?" "Oh well, then I'd just have to keep taking you out until I get it right." "— Yeah?" "— Yeah." "— French or Italian?" "— I think Italian." "Good." "Paolo!" "Jacks!" "Paolo, I've been such a bloody fool!" "Can you ever forgive me?" "Love means always forgiving." "And I do love you, Paolo!" "I do!" "They made me write that ending." "Apparently, audiences demanded that Jacks and Paolo have this big Hollywood moment." "I loved that ending." "How can you love that ending?" "It's so artificial!" "It's a lot better than what really happened!" "I agree, I don't think having Jacks arrive in Argentina with a bad case of diarrhoea would have had the same impact." "I loved how I came across." "You were played by Drew Barrymore!" "Who totally captured my essence." "Name was absolutely brilliant in that." "Well, I don't like to brag but I really think I stole the movie!" "I mean, I was funny." "Touching." "Eccentric." "Real." "If a little old for the part." "And I have to applaud your decision not to show me ending up with James." "Why?" "Are you ashamed of our relationship?" "No, of course not, darling." "It's just that you were the villain and itjust wouldn't have felt very believable." "— What a clever boy you are!" "— Thank you." "Making Talullah and her mother look the same age!" "That's very modern, Paul!" "I'm so sorry!" "My shoot went over!" "You just missed the story of our lives." "But with better lighting!" "Everyone knows I wasn't the one who reported Paolo to immigration, right?" "Yes, darling, we know." "Well, I think this calls for champagne!" "Oh, right!" "Claridge's, turn left!" "— Babies, what's wrong?" "— Nothing." "You wrote a screenplay." "And they made a movie out of it!" "I know and I should be grateful." "Look, I'm very lucky." "It's just..." "I don't know." "I just wanted to tell the truth and somewhere along the line it got mixed up with a bunch of lies." "Nobody goes to the movies for truth except possibly the French!" "The truth is way too complicated." "And unsatisfying." "And hard to believe." "— Oh, my God!" "— What?" "— I think my waterjust broke." "— What?" "I know, it's impossible, right?" "I'm not due for another 3 weeks!" "Paolo!" "Paolo!" "She's having the baby now!" "Call an ambulance!" "Call a taxi!"