"Yes, mom, the "Italian" and I broke up." "No, not because he stole from me!" "Why would you say something like that?" "Oh." "Well, that wasn't because Miguel was Puerto Rican." "That was because he was addicted to drugs." "I-I gotta go." "I got another call." "I do too!" "Guess what this is." "Grace used your shower again?" "One of Bernadette Peters' curls." "She was standing in front of me at Duane Reade." "Luckily, I was buying a pair of toenail clippers." "Now I have hair from Bernadette Peters, Betty Buckley, and Idina Menzel." "All I need is Patti LuPone and my Broadway diva wig will be complete!" "Yeah, I don't know why the red states are so afraid of gays." "What's wrong with you?" "Your spirits are sagging lower than your breasteses." "Just tired of moping around this apartment thinking about my break-up with Vince." "Well, I know exactly what you need." "I'm gonna take you out." "No, Jack." "I don't think I'm up for it." "Come on." "What good is sitting alone in your room?" "Come hear the music play." "Life is a Jack-aret, Old Chum." "Come see how Jack is gay." "Really?" "You and me?" "Guy's night out?" "Yeah, someone to be there for you." "Let me do it." "Okay, sure." "Maybe you'd cheer me up." "You know, I mean, first me and Vince, then Brad and Jen." "America's in mourning." "Honey, sorry, I'm late." "Wait a minute." "No, I'm not." "Why do I say things I don't mean?" "It demeans us both." "Honey, you look so pretty in that dre-- Okay, there I go again." "I can't stop." "Karen..." "No more coming in late." "This restaurant could be huge for us." "We both need to be at the top of our game." "Now I want you to open up that pill box, and throw out anything yellow, green or orange." "No orange?" "Honey, that's my hormone pill." "There's no telling what could grow back." "It's our new client." "Hello?" "Yes, I'm very excited about the job." "The whole staff is." "Uh, Charles, you can go ahead and distribute those memos." "Uh, Dana, tell your department I'll be postponing the presentation in Conference Room B." "Don't gimme that look!" "Sure, I'm coming right over." "Looking forward to meeting you." "Okay." "Good Lord, honey." "You have lost it." ""Charles" and "Dana"?" "They haven't worked here in months!" "Sheesh..." "Karen, I need you to hold down the fort." "Well, I did it at the Alamo, I can do it here." " Jesus loves me, this, I know, for the" " Hello, Karen." "Scott Woolley." "Yes, oh, you're so wise to remember the name of your sworn enemy." "Actually, you've got a dry cleaning tag hanging off your shirt." "Well..." "I never thought I would see you again after I foiled your plan to take over Walker, Inc." "What the hell are you doing here?" "I just dropped by to see how my campaign to destroy your life is progressing." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "Now unless you've come here to deliver a baby, get outta here, you big stork!" "Uh, maybe you've been wondering who's been calling your voice mail and hanging up." "Voice mail?" "I don't even know what that is." "How can you mail a voice?" "You're even crazier than you are tall and birdlike." "Yeah, but that's nothing compared to the final phase of my second plan to ruin... your..." "life." "Yeah, well, I hope it's better than your first plan because that one sucked!" "Other than "Let's beat Bush by running another mopey stiff with a horse face," that was the worst plan I've ever heard!" "Except this one's gonna work." "And when it does, I finally get to break out my bottle of 1954 Salon le Menuille." "The world's most expensive champagne, which I've been saving for the moment when I finally bring you down." "Ciao." "And, uh, when next you see me, you're gonna be crying bitter tears." "Do I need a key for the men's room?" "Are you sure this is a gay club?" "Middle-aged women keep bumping into me, and this song is, like, 28 years old." "It's a straight club right now." "It doesn't turn gay until 9:00." "I had a roommate in college who was the same way." "Yeah, well, we just have to hold out a bit." "It should be changing in exactly...five seconds." "I find it hard to believe that a club could just instantly turn gay." "Yeah, we have to leave in exactly two hours unless you want to be tossed around by a bunch of bikers." "Thanks, Jack." "This is just what I needed." "You know, spend a little time with my friend, take my mind off of everything." "I know." "I pee a little bit when I dance too." "That's not what I said." "I said it's great spending time with you." "Oh, well, good. 'Cause I'm yours for the night." "I'm gonna get us a couple drinks." "I'll come with ya." "No, no, no, no, you have to save our spot on the dance floor." "This is the premiere spot." "We're away from the smoke." "The lighting is perfect." "And we got a balls-eye-view of the go-go boys." "Okay, I'll save it." "No, not like that." "You gotta save it for both of us." "You gotta dance wide!" "Yeah, that's good." "That's good." "I'll be right back." "Mr. Osment is running late." "If you need anything, I'm Filip." "Thank you, Philip." "Yeah, uh, No, it's "Fil-lip" with an "F."" " What did I say?" ""Philip" with a "P-H."" "Ah, he's ready for you." "Wait...here." "S-sorry." "Hello." "Miss Adler?" "Oh, you must be Mr. Osment." "Please call me Haley Joel." ""Haley Joel Osment"?" "Like the kid." "Uh, yes..." "Uh, I was named after him." "My parents were big fans." "Big fans." "Anyway, let's look at those design plans." "Oh, oh, I don't have the plans." "We're really not at that stage yet." "But your office assured me that you'd be bringing 'em." "That woman, uh, told me" " Oh, boy, now I'm not gonna remember her name." "Um, Klaybin, Klaron, Karbin..." " Karen?" " Yeah, oh, yes, Karen." "She promised that I'd be bringing plans?" "Yes, she absolutely did." " Oh, I apologize for the misunderstanding." " Well, it's just ridiculous." "How're you gonna do the job if you can't even handle your own assistant?" "I think you should fire her." "I-I can't fire her." "It would be like cutting off my arm." "My drunk, useless arm." " Do you want this job?" " Of course, I do." "Then fire..." "Karen..." "Walker." "Okay, get this." "That guy that I met last night, Craig, lives in the same building as Patti LuPone's dog walker." "After that, how could I not sleep with him?" "Oh, Patti..." "I'm getting closer." "Sometimes, I imagine her singing while I'm cutting her hair." "No, Jack, one dream at a time!" "Stop it." "How was your night?" "How was my night?" "My night was horrible." "You dumped me!" "I sweated through my jeans dancing wide." "Then I had to do four body shots off of Betty Lynn before Squirrel would drive me home on his Harley!" "All right, you want an apology." "Come on, let's do it in the mirror, so we can see how cute I look doing it." "Save it, Jack." "I'm not in the mood." "The one time I needed you to be there for me" "I don't know why I'm surprised." "You don't give a crap about anyone but yourself." "Will!" "I'm sorry, really." "Now come on, let's go have lunch at Barney's so we can watch women with giant lips try to eat soup." "Forget it, Jack." "I'm done." "I don't know what you're talking about, honey." "Nobody named Osment called, and I never promised nobody nothin', ya hear?" "Look, he gave me an ultimatum." "He said I either fire you or I lose the job." "And he was talking about opening these restaurants all over the country." "I mean, I could be the designer of Woolley's Revenges everywhere." ""Woolley's Revenge"?" "I know, bad name." "I go straight to "diarrhea."" "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Honey, this guy that you're working for, describe him to me." "Oh, I don't know." "Really tall, long-limbed, attractive." "Kinda like a big sexy whooping crane?" "Now that you say it, yeah." "I knew it." "It's the same guy!" "Oh, no." "Wait a minute, my guy's name is Scott Woolley, not Osment." "Okay, forget it." "Excuse me." "These candies are delicious." "What do you call them?" "Sugar cubes." "Yummy." "Will!" "Thanks for coming." "I'm not here to see you." "I'm here to do an interview for the premiere issue of Briefs, a magazine for cute gay lawyers." "Which I just realize does not exist." "You'd think I'd been tipped off when the message was left by managing editor Pat McGroin." "At your service, laddie." "I don't have time for this." "No, no, no, but wait, wait." "I wanna be here for you." "Now, come, come, sit." "I reserved a nice quiet table in the corner for us to talk for as long as you need." "Yeah, until a cute guy walks by or you notice your reflection in a spoon." "No." "Now I can be a good friend." "Now I would like to hear everything that's going on with you." " You would?" " I would." "You must be serious." "The word "would" was just used three times, and you didn't giggle." "Okay." "It's, uh..." "I don't know, it's--it's been hard." "Wow, still no giggle." "It just--it's, like...it's-- What Vince and I had just felt so right." "And you're wondering if you're ever gonna find that again." "Yeah, I am." "I mean, it's like, am I even capable of having a relationship?" "Of course." "You just haven't found anyone who's good enough for you yet." "Thanks." "Oh, you know, I should wash my hands." "The subway stopped short, and I accidentally put my finger in an old man's ear." "I'll be right back." "I'll be waiting right here." "As far as I'm concerned, we're the only two people in the whole world." "I have a reservation for tea." "Patti LuPone." "Miss Adler." "I can only assume that this means that you've fired Karen Walker." "I did." "But I'd really rather not talk about it." "It's just too upsetting." "Oh, yes." "No, I understand." "Um, so how did she take it?" "Um, maybe not well?" "She was devastated." "She said that that job was the most important thing to her in the world." "Go on, go on." "Keep going, don't mind me." "I may close my eyes a little bit, go ahead." "After that, she became violent." "I had to have her arrested." "Then when the police where shoving her into the squad car, they accidentally ripped her ear off." "They were gonna try and put it back on, but a dog ran up and ate it." "Wow, that sounds like, uh, her life is ruined." " Does it sound like that to you?" " It does." "But to Karen it only sounds half as bad because she only has one ear." "I feel... just awful." "Oh." "You know what a sad occasion like this calls for?" "A glass of 1954 Salon le Menuille." "The world's most expensive champagne." "I've waited so long for this moment." "No champagne will ever taste as sweet." "It tastes like cat pee!" "That's because it is." "Miss LuPone, I just wanna say I saw you in Evita when I was 16." "I came out by intermission." "I hear that a lot." "Sometimes I think I'm personally responsible for the West Village." "By the way, you look fabulous." "Thanks." "My hair's a little long, I need to get it cut." "S orry." "This is really, really sweet of you to do, Jack." "Thank you." "Well, I'm happy to." "There's nothing more important to me than you, Patti" " Fatty" " Will!" "Are you--are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm perfect." "So heartbreak and sorrow, go." "Oh, no, my earring." "Oh, my God." "Is that Patti LuPone?" "No, I don't think so." " I really think it is." " Really?" "Oh, what do you know, it is." "I'm sorry." "My head was practically in your lap." "So...do I get the part?" "Jack." "What are you doing?" "You've been trying to track down Patti LuPone ever since you came home with that clump of hair from Bea Arthur and finished your Golden Girls' wig." "William." "Now for the last time, nothing can distract me from you." "Now please continue." " Um, I hate to ask this, and I feel really awkward." " Oh, it's okay." "I know." "You want me to sing "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina."" "Well, it's my birthday." "I would love to." "But I don't wanna be rude." "I'll just ask these gentlemen if they don't mind." "Excuse me." "Hello?" "Jack, Patti LuPone is trying to get your attention." "Would you mind if I sang?" "Shut up, Patti LuPone!" "Shut your brassy, magnificent trap!" "I don't wanna hear you sing." "I don't wanna cut your hair." "And I certainly don't wanna hear you singing while I'm cutting your hair!" "Got it?" "!" "Now I'm talking to my best friend, so stand back, Buenos Aires!" "People either love me, or they hate me." "I don't believe you just did that." "You spurned a Broadway legend for me." "Well, I wanted to prove to you that I really care about you, Will." " And you did." " Really?" "Yes." "And thank you." "Now come on." "We've got a diva to scalp." "JACK:" "Thank you, Will." "I just hope she's not a screamer like that prissy Rue McClanahan." "Excuse me." "I don't mean to bother you during your man cry." "But I forgot my portfolio." "Um, hold me." "Hold you?" "No, I'm not going to hold you." "You tried to destroy my best friend." "And you wasted my time on some bogus design job." "Oh, no, sweetie, I was always gonna pay you." "Here's your check." "Come to mamala." "I'm--I'm pathetic." "What if I can never defeat Karen Walker, then what's the point of my whole life?" "Oh, don't talk like that." "You are smart, good-looking, rich." "Don't waste all your energy on Karen." "Just let it go." "I can't!" "She's all I think about." "I imagine what she's doing every moment of every day." "." "I look for her in crowds." "I listen for her voice." "When I'm pulling a pineapple cake out of the oven, I'm thinking, "Is she doing the same thing?"" "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you had a little crush on her." "No, I just told you." "I hate her." "She's evil and monstrous and cold." " And sexy?" " So hunkin' sexy." "Oh my God in heaven." "You may be right." "I think I-- I do have a little-- a little crush on her." "See, now you don't have to devote your entire life to ruining her." "Oh, you're sure right." "Thank you." "Thank you, Grace." "Gee, you freed me." "Now I can devote my entire life to... making her my girlfriend." "Don't cry for me, Argentina." "The truth is I never left you." "All through my wild days, my mad existance..." "I kept my promise..." "Don't keep your distance."