"Guess what I've got behind my back." "Wait, wait, wait, I got this one." "Left." "Wrong game." "But correct." "Five front-row tickets to Robots vs. Wrestlers." " Robots vs. Wrestlers?" " That is awesome!" " You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers?" " Never." "We assume it's a sort of sporting event that pits robots against wrestlers!" "That's exactly what it is, according to the Web site!" "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Who's the fifth ticket for?" "I know, she moved in with her boyfriend and said she doesn't want to hang out with us," "But this is Robots vs. Wrestlers." "Barney is right." "It's impossible to say no to that." "No to that." "I wish I could, but I have plans with Don on Saturday." "He's making me Chinese." "I'll assume you're talking about food, Otherwise I've some follow-up questions." "I'm sorry, but I got to give this thing with Don a chance." "I can't do that if I'm out drinking with you guys every single night." "Especially when "you guys" includes two of my ex-boyfriends." "I understand." "You're right." "It's just we all really miss you." "I miss you, too." "Listen, I got to go." "Talk soon?" "Sorry, New York, I had to take that." "Now, where were we?" "Yeah." "Yes." "Bus crash." "She said no?" "How could she say no?" "Robots vs. Wrestlers is our most important tradition as a group." "Tradition?" "We've never done this before?" "It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily." "How is that not gonna be a tradition?" "This is how it starts." "First Robin moves in with Don, then Marshall and Lily have a baby," " Then Ted..." " Gets married?" "I was gonna say, "is found alone in his apartment devoured by his cats,"" "but either way, not pretty." "Everyone's leaving me, and I don't like it!" "Barney, you don't have to worry about Marshall and me having kids." "That's a long way down the road." "Exactly, it's down the road, a medium way." " A medium-long way." " I mean, you can see it ahead." "In the vast, vast distance." " But you're seeing exit signs for it." " Really?" "I didn't see any." "You might want to get in the right lane." "I understand how you feel." "Friendships are important." "In fact, Emerson wrote a great poem entitled "friendship."" "You are gonna love this." ""A ruddy drop of manly blood, the surging sea outweighs..."" "That's how it had always been for me with the gang." "Any time I tried to get a little high-minded." "You guys, you've got to try this Syrah." "Hints of creme de cassis, red berries, toasty oak..." "Five letters, blank baritone." "Of course!" "Lyric baritone!" "Which is actually higher than a dramatic baritone." "You know, there's a telling moment in the second act of la Boheme..." "Guys, come on, I'm just trying to add a little class to these proceedings." "It's like that line From Dante's inferno." ""Consider your origins:" "you were not born to live like brutes."" ""But to follow virtue and knowledge""" "Or..." "In the original Italian..." "Synchro:" "ShalimarFox, JoJo13" "{\pos(192,210)}You are right." "I'm totally overreacting to this whole Robin thing." "{\pos(192,210)}What's that?" "Is this a wedding invitation?" "{\pos(192,210)}Robin's marrying Don." "I'm gonna die alone!" "{\pos(192,210)}Ted's gonna get eaten by cats!" "Relax, it's for Marissa Heller." "Marissa Heller?" "She sounds hot." "Face, boobs, describe." "Start with boobs." "Who was Marissa Heller?" "That mystery began when Marshall and I first moved in." "{\pos(192,210)}We got our first mail delivery!" "{\pos(192,210)}We are popular." "{\pos(192,210)}We've got a golf magazine for... {\pos(192,210)}We've got a wicker furniture catalog, also for her," "And... a coupon for a bird store... addressed to Marissa Heller or stay with me..." ""Current occupant." That's us!" "{\pos(192,210)}" " We've got mail!" " Fantastic!" "{\pos(192,210)}She must be the woman who lived here before us." "{\pos(192,210)}I wonder what she was like." "And just like that, a picture began to take shape... a picture of Marissa Heller, the golfer  Marissa Heller, the wicker catalog shopper..." "Marissa Heller, the bird owner." "{\pos(192,210)}And since then, with each piece of mail we've gotten," "{\pos(192,210)}the picture's become a little clearer." "{\pos(192,210)}The only thing we don't know is what she looks like." "{\pos(192,210)}I guess I'll forward this along like I've been forwarding... {\pos(192,210)}" " Just open it." " Okay." "{\pos(192,210)}It's an invitation to Jefferson Van Smoot's" "{\pos(192,210)}annual spring social this Saturday night... {\pos(192,210)}In the penthouse apartment of the Alberta!" "{\pos(192,210)}You guys..." "That's the most beautiful building in Manhattan!" "{\pos(192,210)}We got to go to this party." "{\pos(192,210)}That depends, does it say anything on that invitation" "{\pos(192,210)}about robots battling wrestlers for intergalactic supremacy?" "{\pos(192,210)}No, but it says open bar." "{\pos(192,210)}Revised agenda for Saturday night:" "{\pos(192,210)}free booze at Marissa Heller's party, then Robots vs. Wrestlers." "{\pos(192,210)}One of us just needs to pretend to be Marissa Heller." "{\pos(192,210)}Guys, I'm flattered, but I think Lily should do it." "So the big night arrived." "Our first stop..." "The Alberta building." "This building is amazing!" "Did you guys see the Porte Cochere and the Terra-cotta pandrels outside?" "I just got a text from Robin." "It says..." "Okay, guys, huddle up." "Now, Lil, you can do this, all you have to do is look that guy in the eye, say your name is Marissa Heller, and we are golden." "And again, just so we're clear, no accent." "Are we sure she's not British, isn't it?" "All right!" "Here I go." "Sorry." "Go ahead." "I'm here for the Van Smoot party." "My name is Marissa Heller." "Bollocks." "So that's Marissa Heller." "She fine." "Her teeth look really nice." "She must be remembering to go to the dentist even without those reminder postcards." "So, what are we doing?" "I'm getting us into the party, that's what!" "We met at that gathering for... bird owners." "I don't think so." " Wicker lovers?" " No." "Stinson out." "Guys, it's not gonna happen." "I got this." "You know, this elevator still uses the same mechanism from when it was first installed in 1906." "Rumor is," "Louis Lamar Skolnick, the architect who designed this building, carved these panels himself." "A Skolnick fan?" "I love his juxtaposition between the north German renaissance exterior..." "And the decidedly French influence on the inside!" "I know!" "He was an architect with the soul of a poet, really." "No, no, no, don't, don't." "It's working." "I've a confession to make." "We're not on the guest list, but..." "I've always wanted to see the inside of the Alberta." "Well, then right this way." "We're all together." "Told you I'd get us in." "So..." "Anyone been watching the young and the restless?" "Awesome!" "Who ordered soap opera illustrated?" "Marissa Heller, I like your style." "Anyone?" "Am I to understand that there isn't a single soap opera fan in this entire elevator?" "I don't own a TV." "The only operas I watch are at the met." "Dibs." "Excuse me." "Jefferson, darling." "I am not dressed for this." "One word, made up:" ""douche-pocalypse""" "Guys..." "That's Peter Bogdanovich" "Talking to Arianna Huffington and Will Shortz, editor of the New York times crossword!" "Let's give this party a chance." "There's free food, free booze." "20 minutes, then we can leave." "But, you see, music was changing, and Giovanni Artusi simply didn't understand the new style of composing." "Excuse me, are you talking about Monteverdi and his fourth book of madrigals?" "My dear chap, what else?" "That's my favorite book of madrigals!" "Smoked Foie gras with caramelized mango and crème fraiche?" "Do you have anything in the mini cheeseburger department?" "I don't think so, sir." "Mini pizzas?" "Little cups of fries?" "Any food at all that'll make me feel like a giant?" "I'll check, sir." "He's not gonna check." "I'm performing open-heart surgery on the Dutch ambassador in the morning." "I hope he pulls through." "Really?" "A colleague of mine just prescribed cumadin to him." "And there's no way she'd be on anticoagulants" "If she were about to undergo surgery." "Just..." "You know who published a great article on Walt Whitman and the politics of semantics?" "Professor Hammersmith of Oxford." "I am Professor Hammersmith." "Which is exactly what Truffaut was talking about" "In his 1954 article in Cahiers Du Cinéma." "Film is an auteur's medium full stop." "Movies..." "Right?" "Actors." "Willem Dafoe." "Funny thing about Willem Dafoe, his name kind of sounds like a frog..." "Talking to a parrot." "Willem." "Defoe!" "As undersecretary of the treasury," "I had a big hand in crafting that legislation." "Now..." "I wonder If you'd like to join me in the map room and give my package some stimulus." "I'm afraid not, darling." "You are too old for my taste." "Zsa Zsa Gabor is still looking pretty hot, but otherwise, this party sucks." "Yeah, we gave it a chance." "It's been 20 minutes." "Let's get out of here." "Where's Ted?" "I know how to find him." "Gongs, right?" "Louder than you think." "Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of the Mikado in 1885." "Wife is a 500 year relic that hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of the Mikado in 1885." "Will Schorz, editor of the Times' crossword." "You know how I've been saying they always use ulee from Ulee's gold because of the vowels?" "Tell 'em, will." "It's because of the vowels." "Ted, can I talk to you{\ just for a second}?" "Ten-letter-word for diminutive egg-based torte?" "Mini-quiche?" "Where?" "Right there." "Such a great party." "Such a Great party!" "Yeah, totally, Ted." "It's time to go." "It's Robots vs. Wrestlers o'clock." "There you are." "We'll be blind taste-testing French whites in a bit." "Should be a hoot and a half." "Well, I decan't miss that." "I know." "You don't have to say it." "You don't decant white wine." "Miss Lily in the living room with the candlestick." "My heavens, no!" " That was Edgar Allan Poe's!" " Sorry!" "I'm having fun here, so I think I'm gonna skip Robots vs. Wrestlers." "But Ted, you've never missed Robots vs. Wrestlers!" "Ted, this isn't happening." "First Robin ditches us, and now you?" "And for these stuffy, pretentious snoots?" "Actually, I kind of like these stuffy, pretentious snoots." "They don't make fart noises {\every time}when I open my mouth." "I'm going to stay." "I'll see you guys tomorrow." " Come on{\, Barney}." "It's just one night." " It doesn't mean anything." "It means everything." "Ted, if you don't come to Robots vs. Wrestlers, it's the end of our friendship." "I'll see you guys tomorrow." "Fine." "Then you are out of our gang forever." "You can reapply in two years." "Let's go watch Wrestlers fight robots." "So embarrassing." "I forgot something." "So Ted, where did those chums of yours scoot off to?" "You know." "Poetry reading." "Best tradition ever!" "Don't humor me, Marshall." "Let's face it." "The gang is over." "Ted's gone." "Robin's gone." "We might as well just go our separate ways." "Barney, enough with a abandonment issues." "Ted's allowed to have a life outside of the group." "We all are." "Wait a minute." "Why are you saying that all of a sudden?" "God, you're pregnant!" "God, you already had the baby!" "It's right behind me, isn't it?" "No, you idiot." "It's just, eventually, we're all gonna move on." "It's called growing up." "Is that all you got, bitch?" "Can you at least promise me that you won't get pregnant for another year?" " I can't make that promise." " You can't?" "You can't?" "Citrus and honeycomb flavors with crisp acidity." "It's a Sauv blanc, Loire valley." "Town of Sancerre." "Correct again!" "Bravo, boy!" "You can't have kids!" "You don't want to bring a child into this crazy, messed-up world." "I don't know." "The world seems pretty awesome right now." "Lily, you leave me no choice." "If you have a daughter, the day, nay, the minute she turns 18..." "Babies." "I hope Ted is miserable right now." "Constance fry," "Constance fry" "Anytime you'd call" "Constance would fulfill your needs" "Winter, spring" "Or fall" "Ted, your lyric baritone is outstanding." "Thank you, Will Shortz." "Fine, you guys can have a baby," "One:" "You promise to always love me more than the baby" "Two:" "Once a month, I get to use the baby to pick up chick." "Three:" "that may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it." "Four:" "No breastfeeding in front of me." "Five:" "Forget about four." "You can whip them out whenever you want." "And then, something amazing happened." "Holy crap!" "I don't believe it." "Of course, hell is an interesting concept, isn't it?" "I've always loved to imagine it as Dante did in the divine comedy." "If you'll allow me." "In the original Italian." "I cannot believe this." "I'm reciting the divine comedy" "In its original Italian, and nobody's making fart noises!" "This is weird." "Never gotten this far." "I actually sound kind of douchey." "My God, I'm out of control!" "Listen to me." "I'm completely unleashed." "I'm the biggest douche on the planet." "I wish somebody would stop me." "And then, somebody did." "Kids, I think I told you how earlier that year, we had seen some doppelgangers of ourselves around town." "There was lesbian Robin." "There was moustache Marshall." "And, of course, stripper Lily." "That night," "One more doppelganger surfaced..." "Mexican wrestler Ted." "Soy el conquistador de las máquinas!" "I got to go." "Rule number 83." "If anything that comes out of that baby gets on one of my suits," "I get to touch Lily's boobs." "What is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight?" "I don't make the rules." "Baby, are you really starting to think about this?" "I don't know." "Maybe a little." "For whatever it's worth, I think that we're ready." "We love each other, we're financially stable, and honestly, I don't think It would change our lifestyle all that much." "Aunt Lily still likes to remind uncle Marshall he once said this." "If we were at home with a baby tonight, we never would have seen Ted's doppelganger." "Imagine missing that." "How would that feel?" "I would blame that child for the rest of his life." "Exactly." "For the rest of her life." "You're right." "There's, there's no hurry." "How about this?" "We agree there's no sense in having a baby until we've seen all five doppelgangers, right?" "Of course." "Stands to reason." "So when we finally see Barney's doppelganger, that's the universe telling us it's go time." "And that's when we'll start trying." "Deal?" "Deal." "Well, well, look who thinks he can just waltz in here and be part of the gang again." " Well, you can forget it." " Listen, Barney, I..." "Please be part of the gang again!" "I don't want to lose anyone else!" "We're all really sorry." "We'll even let you recite all the douchey poems you want, and we'll never, never say a bad thing about it, I promise." "Really?" "Because there actually is a poem I'd like to recite." ""Friendship" by Ralph Waldo Emerson." ""A ruddy drop of manly blood," ""The surging sea outweighs." ""The world uncertain comes and goes..."" "Sorry." "Someone had to do that." " Who wants another drink?" "I'm buying." " Kids," "I'd love to tell you that over years, we didn't all drift apart a little at one time or another." "You don't mean for it to happen, but it does." "But no matter what, to this day," "Come hell or high water, we still all get together every year for Robots vs. Wrestlers." "Good night!" "Thanks a lot." "I had a great time."