"No, not this year." "I got this from the startup company on the 13th floor." "They just went under, and they have the best leftover swag." "Look at this." ""dogtagd.net"...?" "Isn't that the dog sex site?" "It's a mapping app to find available dogs in your area, okay?" " To have sex with?" " No!" "For your dog to play with!" "What is wrong with you guys?" "Plus, I got one more thing." "Boo-yeow!" "Dogtagd novelty dog poop." "♪ How you like me now?" "(Snaps fingers)" "Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!" "No holding hands!" "It's flu season!" "(Laughs)" " What's with that gift?" " Oh, uh, it's my birthday tomorrow." "No, it's not." "Jenny!" "Why didn't you tell me it's your birthday tomorrow?" "Well, it's just a birthday." "I don't know." " I don't want to make a fuss." " Well, I do want to make a fuss." "And I'm telling you right now," "I'm the best gift giver on the face of this planet." "I'm gonna kick everyone's ass here." "Whoa!" "It's not a competition." "(Singsongy) Psycho!" "I don't know, I just never really cared about gifts." "In fact, the best gift that I ever got was for my 8th birthday, when my mom let me dig a hole in our backyard. (Chuckles)" "So your gift was a hole?" "That's right..." "A hole..." "Brody, you're missing the point." "It's not about money, you know?" "It was so thoughtful." "And me and my brothers, we used to sleep in it." "Yeah." "Yeah, well, I'm gonna get you a gift that's gonna blow your hole away." "(Laughs)" "♪" "Season 1, Episode 4 "The Gift"" "Bro, great news." "I just bought a pair of jet skis." " You mean, like, His and Hers?" " Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Except there's no "Hers," it's just "His"" "and "His other one."" "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't buy any more personal watercrafts until you at least learned how to swim, or had money." "It's all good." "It's the end of the quarter." "Mansfield's about to hand out bonuses." "Mr. Wen." "You're getting a bonus?" "Congratulations." "I hadn't heard." "Mr. Moyer, come here." "The only way to justify a morning cigar is to be either out on a golf course or in a meeting, and since I was just fined last week for chipping golf balls up at that helipad, welcome to our meeting." "Okay." "So what's our meeting about?" "Oh, I think you know." "Is it about me searching for Jenny's birthday gift on company time?" "It is now!" "So a gift for Jenny?" "I say, what do you get the girl who has nothing?" "I'm actually the best gift giver in the world." "You're not even the best gift giver on this balcony." "Guess what I got my wife for her last birthday." "I'll..." "I'll tell you if you're in the right ballpark." " I would have no idea." " I got her a ballpark." "Look at this view." "Huh?" "Tell me what you see." "Some very nervous people on a helipad." "Pussies." "I see limitless opportunity." "You know what they see when they look out their windows downstairs?" "Nothing." "They don't have windows." "Closest thing they're gonna come to an expensive cigar is about ten seconds from..." "Now." "Well, they happen to be really nice people." "No, I didn't say they weren't." "They just have a very different world view." "(Cigar thuds)" "Ooh, sweet!" "Morning cigar!" "You know, if you..." "If you do buy Jenny a nice gift..." "And you should, because she deserves it..." "You're going to be injecting money into the equation, and that changes everything." "Hey, I'm not worried." "Like Jenny always says, money can't buy happiness." "And like I always say, bullshit!" "Money absolutely can buy happiness." "Listen, Jenny is one of the happiest people I have ever met, and the best gift she ever got was a hole." "Let me..." "let me just tell you something." "Money put my girls through the finest schools in this country." "Money also let me build that maternity ward at the hospital." "And money is going to pay for that helicopter's new window." "(Hits ball)" "Fore!" "(Gasps) Oh, wow!" "A sweatshirt from dogtagd.net?" "!" " That's the dog sex site, right?" " Okay, it's not a dog sex site." "It's a way for dogs to meet other like-minded dogs to play with." "Well, I will wear it proudly." "(Giggles)" " Oh!" "(Gasps) A poop, too?" " Ooh!" "Surprise!" "(Laughs)" "Well, I'm giving you something that nobody else here can give you." "(Laughs) What are you doing?" "I have over 10,000 gay Twitter followers." "And after I tweet this picture of you and I, they will all be following you." " Are you ready?" " Uh-huh." "Congratulations." "You just got gayed." "(Laughs)" "Thanks, but I'm..." "I'm not on Twitter." "Oh!" "I went halfsies on the poop." "(Harvard) Okay, okay, okay." "Winning gift coming through." " Okay." " Oh." "Don't be intimidated by the size of my package. (Laughs)" "All right, Jenny, go ahead and open it up." " Uh..." " Okay." "Oh, wow, that's me." "(Laughs)" "Yeah, look closer." "You see it?" "It's a mosaic." "(Laughs)" "It's you made out of a bunch of tiny photos of me. (Laughs)" "Oh, wow, Harvard, I..." "um..." "I don't know what to say." "It's not serial killer-y at all." " Your serve." " Well, uh, you certainly set the bar..." "In a secret room in your basement, but, uh," "I happen to have a pretty good gift myself." "(Laughs) You didn't have to." "But I'm really, really glad that you did." "(Giggles)" " Ooh!" "A hoodie!" " Yeah." "Damn, dude, that hoodie doesn't even have a logo on it!" " Oh, it's nice!" " Thanks." "Oh!" "So soft!" "(Laughs) (Laughs)" "Oh, holy freaking crap, this is soft." "Oh." "It's wonderful." "I love it." "Thank you." "Guys, guys, do you..." "Wanna know how I did the mole on your cheek?" " No!" " No!" "Relax." "It is not what you're thinking." "Oh, my God." "It's my butt." "(Groaning)" "Okay, there's no question I'm getting a bonus, right?" "I've hit all my targets, I have worked three Saturdays a month." "I even shagged golf balls off that helipad for Mansfield, and those balls come in fast, man!" "Well, don't tell me." "Tell Mansfield." "You're right." "I shouldn't be afraid of my boss." "He's just a man." "He doesn't have special powers." " Who doesn't have special powers?" " Ohh!" "Did you want to tell me something, Mr. Wen?" "Uh, yeah, sir." "I, uh, have been thinking a lot about my quarter, and I can say with absolute confidence that I definitely believe that I, uh, quite possibly deserve a bonus of some type if..." "You agree." "I think you've just answered your own question, don't you, Mr. Wen?" "Yes." "And look at you." "You seem pretty pleased with yourself." "I recognize that look from my very own mirror, of course. (Chuckles)" "I got Jenny an Henri Pétard cashmere hoodie, and she loves it." "Thataboy!" "(Laughs)" " (Laughs) All right!" " Yeah." " You ruined her." " What?" "See this Bordeaux?" "It is spectacular." "In fact, it's one of the top five vintages in the history of grapes." "My mentor gave me a case 20 years ago when I made partner." "If you drink this wine, it will ruin all other wines for you forever." "Oh." "Well, that's impossible." "I've had lots of good wine before." "I spent a semester abroad in France." "Fair enough." "Drink up." "Ooh." "That's good." "Really good." "Here it comes." "Three, two..." "Oh, my God, I'm finding taste buds I never even knew I had." "Is it possible to taste color?" "My tongue is alive!" "Ooh!" " And finally..." " I miss my dad." "Yeah." "And now any other wine you ever drink will taste like cat piss." "Just like the hoodie that you got for Jenny will make all of her other clothes feel like she is slow-dancing with a cactus." "You've exposed her to the finer things." " There's no going back now." " Sir, you don't know Jenny." "It gives me no joy to be right." "Well, that's not true." "It gives me tremendous joy to be right." "I-it gives me no joy to see your relationship come undone by virtue of a gift." "I bet you're wrong." "I bet this gift brings Jenny and me even closer." "I'll take that bet." "If I'm right, I get your bonus." "Fair enough." "And if I'm right?" " You get a unicorn." " What?" "What's it matter?" "You can't win." "Fine." "Fine, fine." "If you win, I will put up the final bottle of this Bordeaux." " It's a bet." " Fine." "Let's drink to it." "This is the 2007 wine of the year." "It is the second-best wine you will ever have." "Let me know how that tastes." "(Shudders)" "Cat piss, right?" "Yeah." "You stroke that thing any harder, it's gonna have to buy you dinner." "(Laughs) It's the softest thing that I have ever felt." "Of course that douche has to go out and get you a gift that makes all our gifts look crappy." "Hey, he is not a douche, okay?" "It's just a hoodie." "Anybody could have bought it." "Whoa!" "Not that hoodie." "(Inhales)" " It's an Henri Pétard." " What?" "He only uses wool made from the underbelly of goats who have spent their entire lives beings pampered, groomed, and gently masturbated." "Ooh." "I wish I was a goat." "Fine, but you know what?" "That does not mean that Brody went crazy on his gift." "Look." "See?" "He paid $40..." "For shipping." "Oh, my God!" "This thing cost $630?" "What?" "!" "The only way a hoodie is worth $630 if there's a $600 bill in those pockets." " These cost $630?" " I don't know." "I didn't check the price." "Do you think that impresses me?" "Not unless "impresses" means "makes angry."" " Why?" "What's going on?" " I can't keep this hoodie." " I thought you loved it." " I do love it." " I just don't want it." " Why don't you want it?" "I do want it." "I just can't keep it." "It costs more than my rent, and I don't want to be a snob." "Well, you're worse than a snob." "You're, like, a reverse snob." "(Gasps)" "How dare you, and what does that mean?" "It means that you purposely don't like things because they're expensive." "I just don't want this hoodie!" "Okay?" "It's not me, and if you think it is, then maybe you don't know me very well. (Whimpers)" "Just looks to me like you really love it." "Of course I love it!" "I just hate it!" "Again, not happy about you and the girl, but..." "Very happy to be right!" "See?" "You didn't need Brody's hoodie." " You got dogtagd!" " (Laughing) Yeah!" "Okay, we need to talk." "You can say a lot of bad things about me." "I work too hard, I use too much hair product..." "Wow, I'm really too self-critical." "But... the one thing you cannot say about me is that I'm not a thoughtful gift giver." "(Clapping)" "Bravo." "Save that for your $25-an-hour therapist." " Therapists make way more than that." " Seriously?" "Why am I not a therapist?" "I hate my parents." "Brody, the hoodie was beautiful." "You just didn't think it through." "Yeah, look, man, it's not your fault." "You only knew her for a few weeks." "We've known her for years." "That's why your gift sucked ass." "First of all, my gift did not suck ass." "Secondly, I know Jenny very well." "In fact, I would argue that my gift was the most thoughtful of anyone's here." "Oh, no." "I know you ain't talkin' to me." "Okay, Derrick, let's start with you." "Exactly how much thought did you put into getting Jenny that gift?" " I put a ton of thought into it." " What thought exactly was that?" "I looked in the box and I thought, "Hey, it's too small for me."" "And, Tori, you gave Jenny the gift of Internet fame, but you hadn't even checked to see if Jenny was even on Twitter." "In my defense, I'm not clear on her last name." "Tori, it's Miller." "It says it right here." "And I also went in on the dog poop with Derrick." "So you literally gave half a shit?" "Impressive." "Okay, let's talk about your gift, Harvard." "I have nothing to hide." "I mean, look at it." "My gift is all about Jenny." "Your gift is literally made of you." " Objection!" "Hearsay!" " Yes!" "We all heard you say it." "Withdrawn." "Now, Jenny, since we met, how many half-movies have we seen?" " I don't know." " I do." "Three." "We always leave early because you get too cold." " What's your point?" " My point is that I gave you the warmest thing that's ever been on your body." "And by the way, how does that hoodie fit?" "Fits perfectly, doesn't it?" "Is that an accident, or is it because" "I always hear you complain that a small fits too small and a medium fits too big, so I found the only hoodie that comes in a small and a half?" "And, Jenny, one final question." "What is that tiny, dirty blue square of soft fabric that lives on your pillow?" "My baba?" "I'm sorry, could you say that one more time for the room?" " Sure." "My baba." " Your baba!" "The blanket that you've had since you were a baby, and the softest thing your skin has ever touched." "Until that hoodie." "Now you can tell me that gift was too expensive, but you cannot say that it was thoughtless, because I promise you, no one has ever put more thought into getting a gift than I did for you." "I rest my case." "Mr. Mansfield, I, uh, just want you to know" "I understand why I'm not getting a bonus." "Well, that's a hell of an icebreaker." "Come on in." "Sit down." "I want to hear this." "Okay." "Well, uh, I realize now that I was content to hit my targets rather than exceed them." "Uh, some weekends, I simply skim the Nikkei reports." "And quite often, I use the office computers to search for Kardashian nip slips." "Well done, Mr. Wen." "That's the first time you've been self-critical since you've been with us, so it pleases me to give you... your bonus." "Thank you, sir." "You've done some real nice work on yourself." "'Cause as Carl Jung once said, "He who looks inside, awakes."" "I think it all started when my parents told me" "I was not good enough for a goldfish." "Get your feet the hell off my furniture, and take care of all of that personal crap on your own time." "Go on, get out of here." "Mr. Moyer?" " Sir?" " Come on in." "Here's your bonus, son." "Please don't open it in here." "I have a certain image of you, and I don't want it ruined by seeing you giggle like a geisha." " I don't understand." " It's a Japanese hostess." "When they laugh, they cover their mouth, and they do this thing..." "No, I get the reference." "I-I just..." "I lost the bet." "Oh, come on, son, I'm not gonna take hard-earned money away from you just because you made a-a silly bet." "I'm a..." "I'm a businessman and I'm a grownup." "You will, however, notice in the memo section of that check," "I wrote, "Naa naa, na na na."" "Just to remind myself I was right." "Thank you, sir." "Jenny." "Can I help you?" "Hi, Mr. Mansfield, sir." "Um..." "I was just bringing Brody something work-related that he asked for." "Uh... a tampon and a nickel." "That's awkward." "(Sighs) Hi." "(Chuckles nervously)" "Um... what you did down there was really awesome." "And maybe I am a reverse snob." "I just..." "I have never had anything as nice (laughs) as that hoodie before." "But then again, I've never dated a guy like you before." "(Laughs)" "Mmm." "Now can I please have my hoodie back?" "(Laughs) It's the only thing I've ever gotten that's better than my hole." "(Chuckles, stops)" "Oh, God, I've been telling that story for 20 years, and I just now heard how it sounds." "Yeah." "Okay..." "(Chuckles)" " Well, Happy Birthday... again." " Thanks!" "So you coming downstairs for the party?" "Yeah." "I just have to do one thing first." " Okay." " Okay." "I thought you'd like to know that Jenny totally loved the hoodie, is even more into me than ever, and, uh... (Inhales) What's the other thing?" "Oh, yes!" "Naa naa, na na na!" "(Laughs)" "You'll find the bottle of Bordeaux behind you on that table." "It has your name on it with a "Congratulations" card next to it." "Wait." "So you knew all along that I'd win the bet?" "Of course I didn't know." "I don't have special powers." "Bless you." "(Sneezes)" "Thank you." "No, I had hoped she was the kind of girl who could handle it." "Truth be told, my wife didn't come from money, either, although she got used to it pretty freaking quick." " So you ruined your wife?" " Oh, I ruined the hell out of her." "There's nothing better than ruining the right woman." "I hope I get the chance." "Thank you so much for the wine." "Open it on a special occasion, like maybe when... when you make partner." "(Giggles)" "(Dance music playing)" "Can I buy you a drink?" "Uh, actually, I brought something that I was gonna save for a special occasion, but this seems pretty special." "Oh, no, you know what?" "I'm not really a wine person." "Trust me, you are about to be." "(Chuckles)" "Happy Birthday." "(Cups clink)" "Ahh..." "Ooh." "You know what would make this way better?" "Something bad has happened!" "Ooh." "Now that is delicious." "I love that I can't ruin you." "Although I think you ruined me for other girls." "Hmm." "What you looking for?" "I was just waiting for Harvard to come in with some sort of a douche-related insult." "Where is Harvard anyway?" "(Shovel scraping, police radio chatter) (Humming)" " Good evening, officer." " What are you doing?" "I am digging a hole for a girl." "I bought her a present, and, she, uh, she hated it." "And I got pretty upset about that." "So..." "I said to myself, this is the answer." "Dig a hole, make it big enough, (chuckling) so she can get inside." "(Laughing) She is going to die." "What?"