"No, Ma, we can't go to Sizzler ...." "Why?" "Because you're not welcome there anymore." "You took half the dessert bar home in your purse ...." "I know it's all you can eat." "At the restaurant!" "All right, bye." "Oh, it's always the same thing with her on Mother's Day." "We always go where she wants to go." "Be grateful she just wanted you to take her to dinner." "My mother always insisted I take her to Bathe." "To bath?" "Oh, boy, my Aunt Paula used to take her son, Sheldon, in the tub with her until he was six." "P.S. they both ended up on a very special Geraldo." "Bathe is a town in England." "Well, I don't care where you did it." "It's still weird." "Meanwhile, you wanna know what I'm doing for my mother?" "I got all the old home movies and I'm gonna put 'em on tape." "I only wish that they had sound so I can hear myself talk." "Be careful what you wish for." " Oh ...." "You know, I hate to bring this up, but what do they do for Mother's Day around here?" "We don't mention it." "Well, if you want my opinion ...." "I said, if you want my opinion." " Desperately." "I don't think it's normal." "I mean, they all act as if Sarah never existed." "You know, in my house, if we didn't talk about the dead, we'd have nothing to talk about." "Except food." "Great thing about funerals, you get both." "Well, Mister Sheffield likes to keep the children busy so they don't get depressed." "Every year he comes up with a new diversion." "Uh-huh." "Well, you know, when I used to be down in the dumps, my mom used to buy me a new Pez dispenser. / Oh, that's nice." "Great news." "We have just joined a country club." "That's nice, too." "Yes, and these facilities are top notch." "They even have a five-star chef." "Oh, boy, reminds me of the Flamingo Beach Club." "Our chef used to make a roast beef." "You'd never know the week before it came in ninth at Belmont." "And this is the Club Room." "Oh, wow!" "Look at all this paneling." "Boy, half the dues must go to Lemon Pledge." "Oh, I'm certainly glad we joined." "You know, this is a wonderful way for a family all to be together." "I'm going to the video room, Dad." "I'm gonna go see the pool." " Oh, have fun." "You're both out of the will." "It's a very family oriented club." "We have lots of special activities to keep the children busy." "That's perfect." "You know, it'll help to keep their mind off, you know." "You can say it. / We have a special event for Mother's Day." "Or she can." "A mother-daughter beauty pageant." "You two should sign up." "Oh, no, I don't think so." "No, I meant them." "Not that you're not attractive in your own right." "Me and Ma went up for something like that once." "And we would have won, too, except she insisted on wearing a bikini." "Well, what's wrong with that?" "Have you ever seen a hysterectomy scar from the sixties?" "Daddy, can we be in the pageant?" "Oh, well, no, sweetheart." "We, we already have plans for Sunday." "We do?" "Yes, we have the Guggenheim, the Radio City Music Hall," "Empire State Building, Circle Line tour ..." "That's all?" " ... then lunch." "And then the zoo, and the Statue of Liberty, F.A.O. Schwarz." "Why don't you just chloroform them till Monday?" "Well, while you two work it out, I'll introduce Grace to some of the other children." "Okay, but I'm warning you." "I'm a loner." "What's your problem?" " Miss Fine, the last thing Grace needs on Mother's Day is to be reminded of her mother." "All right." " What?" "You think I'm wrong?" "(Mumbles)" "So, you're agreeing with me?" "(Mumbles)" "I can't understand a bloody word you're saying." "All I'm saying is that Grace is a little girl who wants to be in a beauty pageant and get all dolled up." "Now if it doesn't bother her, why should it bother you?" "I just don't want to see Grace get hurt, that's all." "Well, there aren't a lot of pageant related injuries." "Except for that time Ellen Nantermin spiked me with her six-inch heels." "But I got even." "I switched her hairspray for Pam." "She won anyway, but she couldn't keep that crown on her head for nothing." "They make luncheon meat in an aerosol?" "No." "You're thinking of Spam." "That she would have noticed right away." "And now, for my final trick, I will saw my assistant in half." "Now explain to me again why you're the magician and I'm the assistant." "Well, it's because the beautiful woman is always the assistant." "Oh." "There's one born every minute." "Now you're sure you know what you're doing?" "Sure." "The instructions are somewhere around here." "I can't believe Dad's letting Gracie do this." "I can't believe I'm letting Gracie do this." "No, I mean, being in the Mother's Day pageant." "Dad doesn't even like to talk about Mom." "What was she like?" " Oh, she was really pretty." "And she had the best laugh." " Oh ..." "And she always liked to sing." " Off key." "Come on, are we gonna do this or what?" "I found the instructions." ""Now take a knife and cut into even pieces."" "Oh, wait a sec." "Let me see that." "These are the instructions for your Easy Bake Oven!" "Yes, but you'll serve eight." "Oh, we'll just do it." " Yes, what's the worst that can happen?" "I don't know." "Did you see Boxing Helena?" " No." "But then nobody did." "Abracadabra." " Oh." "How was it for you?" "Well, it was a little bit tingly, but not altogether unpleasant." "Oh, Miss Grace, this seems to be stuck on something." "Give her neck a pull." "Now watch this. / No ...." "Hey, hey, I'm getting a draft here." "Oh, this is really weird." " It's just separation anxiety." "Oh, no, how terrible!" " What?" "I've got a run in my stocking." "I'm telling you, Maxwell, this whole mother-daughter beauty pageant is a terrible idea." "On the other hand ...." "Keep her away from me." "Wait, whoa ...." "Get my other half." "Well, now, this is really very impressive. / Thanks." "I hope I'm not gonna have to pay you time and a half. / Ha, ha, ha." "Where are the swords we plunge in?" " That's a different trick." "Doesn't have to be." "All right, all right." "Put me together, you guys." "I can't find the instructions." "Well, here's a thought:" "help her look!" "Why don't we go for a little spin?" "Wait ...." " Whee!" "All right, you've had your fun." "Now I'm getting annoyed." "And a little nauseous." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Let's get you some fresh air. / What?" "Whoa ...." "Ow!" "Everyone's so nice here." "That lady never stops smiling." "Oh, I know." "I think she probably had one too many face lifts." "You see that bow in the back of her head?" "It was her ears." "So, what do we do first?" "Well, let's psych out the competition." "Come on, let's kick some country club butt." "Uh-oh, don't look now." "Breck girl at nine o'clock." "And a No More Tears babe bringing up the rear." "Oh, they're making the first move." "Act confident." "Chest out." "It is out." "Hello." " Hi." "I'm Fran, and this is Gracie." "I'm Barbie Joe, and this is my daughter, Betty Jo." "Oh." "How are things at Petticoat Junction?" "So, is this your first beauty pageant?" "Hardly." "Yours?" "Oh, afraid not." "Miss Sunbelt, Nineteen Eighty-Two." "Eighty-three, Miss Minny, Moe and Jack." "Eight-four, Miss Leon County." "Eight-five, Miss Union Turnpike." "Eighty-seven, finalist, Miss Universe." "Oh, nothing in eight-six, huh?" "Good luck. / Thanks." "You'll need it." "Well, they're tough, but we'll get 'em in the talent competition ...." "Well, they're talented, but those big calfs, they're gonna cost them." "Oh ...." "Oh, aren't they wonderful?" "They've won the last three years in a row." "Yeah, well, it's a catchy tune, but can you dance to it?" "Wait till they see our magic act." "Forget it." "Nothing's getting me back into that box." "Why not?" "Because you left me in there forever." "Plus, I had an itch on my foot." "Why didn't you scratch it?" " It was in another room!" "We're gonna have to switch to Plan B. / What's that?" "Call Gilooly." "Oh, look at those women over there sucking up to the judges." "Oh, I'll tell you, it is so demeaning." "Oops, a spot just opened up." "Excuse me." "Trust no one." "Hi ...." "Hi." " Hi." "I hate beauty pageants, don't you?" "I'm not supposed to talk to anyone." " Why?" "I just wanna be your friend." "Your mom's real pretty." "Thanks, but she's not my mom." "She's my nanny." "See ya." "Oh, well, if nothing else, we've got a lock on Miss Congeniality." "I'm telling you, this woman should not be allowed to compete in the pageant." "She's a fake." "I'm a fake?" "Let she, who is without silicone cast the first stone." "Listen, you are not this child's mother." "You're her nanny." "Yeah, so?" " Well, this is a mother-daughter pageant." "Well, we're very close." "So what if she's not my mother?" "What's the difference." "It's against the rules." "I don't have a mother." "She died." "Oh, boy, you will stop at nothing!" "Don't ever go out for cheerleader." "Niles!" " Sir!" "Planning on running away to join the circus?" " Why would I do that, sir?" "Well, you're juggling." " Juggling, sir?" "Niles, I just saw you with my own eyes." "Is there something I can do for you, sir?" "Well, you could start by admitting you were juggling." "That will never happen, sir." "Now I forgot what I came in here for." "Oh, let's see, I was in the office with C.C. and ...." "Oh, yes, I was trying to get away from C.C. / Hmm ...." "You know, she can be so trying this time of year." "She keeps reminding me not to think about Sarah." "I don't know how she can be so insensitive." "Oh, sir, the woman would invite the Clintons to go white water rafting." "Oh, Maxwell?" "There you are." "I have been looking all over for you ...!" "C.C. ...." "Oh, dear, now how did that get there?" "I'm terribly sorry, C.C. Are you all right?" "You know, if I've told those children once, I've told them a million times, not to leave their fruit lying around the house." "Gracie!" "Oh, hi, Mister Sheffield." "Well, what's going on?" "What's wrong with Gracie?" "Uh, she has to go to the bathroom real bad?" " Miss Fine!" "Well, Gracie is all upset because some nut case woman made a big stink just because I'm not her mother." "And then, well, Gracie had to say that she doesn't have a mother, and it kind of went down hill from there." "Oh, Nanny Fine's pageant has turned into a complete disaster." "Niles, break out the bubbly." "You have no power here." "Be gone before someone drops a house on you." "I just knew this was a bad idea." "I should have trusted my instincts." "Oh, Mister Sheffield, don't blame yourself." "I don't." "Sweetheart, can we talk to you for a minute?" "No, I'm busy." "You're doing a beautiful job there except Dolly's beginning to look a little like Sinead O'Connor." "Sweetheart, I made a mistake." "I should never have let you enter that pageant." "I ...." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "It's all my fault." "Your father didn't want us to enter, but I wouldn't listen." "I was just too busy talking." "I do that sometimes." "I just talk and talk and talk and I ...." "Miss Fine?" " What?" "You're doing it." " Oh, right." "Well, I'm gonna stop now." "The talking, not the listening." "The listening I'm gonna keep on doing." "It's the talking I'm gonna stop." "Okay, I've stopped." "Go ahead." "Thank you." "Sweetheart, I do understand how you feel." "All those other girls with their mommies, it just reminded you how much you miss yours." "But that's what's wrong." "I don't miss her." "You don't?" "No." "I, I don't remember her." "Oh." "Oh ...." "Gracie, oh, come here." "Brighton and Maggie do, but I can't." "Is that bad?" "Oh, no, of course not, sweetheart." "They're older than you." "How come you never talk about her?" "Well, because sometimes it's very difficult for Daddy." "Oh." "You can't remember her either?" "Oh, no, sweetheart." "I remember everything." "I, I remember the first time I saw her." "I remember her sweetness, and her laugh, and I especially remember how much she loved you." "She did?" " Oh, more than anything." "And I should never have let you forget that." "I was just trying to protect you and, and I suppose myself." "Can you forgive me?" "It's okay, Daddy." "Well, at least now, you two can remember her together." "Do you think that Mommy would want me to be in the pageant?" "I think she would want whatever you want." "I wanna do it." "Me and Fran are gonna kick some country club butt. / Oy." "I don't know where she gets these things." "And next we have our newest members, Fran Fine and Grace Sheffield doing ...." "Well, I'm not exactly sure what they're doing, but I'm sure we'll all enjoy it." "Anything you can do, I can do better." "I can do anything better than you." "No, you can't. / Yes, I can." "No, you can't. / Yes, I can." "No, you can't. / Yes, I can." "Yes, I can." "Anything you can be, I can be greater." "Sooner or later, I'm greater than you." "No, you're not." " Yes, I am." "No, you're not." " Yes, I am." "No, you're not!" " Yes, I am!" "Yes, I am." "I can jump a hurdle." " I can wear a girdle." "I can knit a sweater." " I can fill it better." "I can do most anything." " Can you bake a pie?" "No." " Neither can I." "Anything you can do, I can do better." "I can do anything better than you." "No, you can't." " Yes, I can." "No, you can't." " Yes, I can." "No, you can't." " Yes, I can." "Yes, I can." "Yes, I can!" "No, you can't." "Oh ...!" "Oh, aren't you Patti LaBelle?" "I love you." "Well, I love you, too." "You were great out there, girl." "Oh, thanks." "The judges really appreciate a class act." "Oh, I know they do." " What are you doing here?" "Well, I came to pick up my Sweetie." " Hi, Mommy." "Oh ...." "Come on, baby, we're up next." "Good luck. / Goodbye." "Like she needs luck." "She's a professional." "Don't these contests have rules?" "They bent the rules for us." " Oh, who's side are you on anyway?" "Oh, is she fabulous." "You know, I'm her biggest fan." "Oh, I'll tell you, if they don't come in second, there's no justice." "Aren't you ever gonna take that stupid sash off?" " No." "Oh, leave her alone." "How many times in your life do you become first runner up in a beauty pageant?" "Counting this one, twelve." "Well, here they are, the Fine Family home movies." "Oh, when my mother sees this, she is just going to plotz." "So these are you from the olden days?" "Yes." "If you keep your eyes pealed, you may see a stegosaurus in the background." "Oh, is that adorable?" "Oh, look at my mother." "Her hair was much smaller then." "As her hips got wider, so did her hair." "Kind of a balancing act." "Oh, my, you were in quite a hurry." "Yeah, there must have been a sale somewhere." "Oh, you're already watching something." " Oh, no, that's okay, that's okay." "We're just watching some adorable shots of me, but I made you all copies so ...." "What's that, Daddy?" " It's a special Mother's Day gift for all of us." "Watch it carefully." "Here it comes." "Boy, I was a real jerk back then." "Sorry, Maggie." "Move it or lose it." "Brighton, I'm gonna get you." "I did my best." "Oh, Mister Sheffield, your first flop." "We worked on that spontaneous wave for hours." "Gracie, that's you, angel." "Oh, there's Mom ...." "I remember that ...." "Anything you can do, I can do better." "I can do anything better than you." "No, you can't." " Yes, I can." "No, you can't." " Yes, I can." "Can't." " Yes, I ...." "Oh ....." "Anything you can be, I can be greater." "I can be great ...." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I screwed it up." "Anything you can be, I can be greater." "I can be ...." "Oh, I'm sorry." "All right." "Hey, I always get stuck on that same lyric."