"Morning Ali How's it going" "I'm pretty good" "My mom's s arthritis is acting up again so I had to go over there and open the cat food can for her" "She has a cat" "No I meant: how's it going with the gym" "Oh It's dead here" "Like my mom's other cat" "Okay I'm gonna switch gears here" "Did you fill the shampoo dispensers in the locker room" "They're only down this much and that's only because I borrowed some" "Oh and I also took two tampons" "And a towel" "I had a party this weekend" "Sorry I didn't invite you" "I couldn't make it anyway" "I was having my own tampon towel party" "Oh God I have had such a morning" "I already had to do laundry because Ritchie didn't have a clean uniform and then my car was out of gas,and then I had a conference with one of Ritchie's teachers" "Oh,I am so happy to finally be at work so I can get some rest" "I really hitched my wagon to the right star" "Oh thanks Barb" "I have something to show you" "Oh is it gross I don't want to see it" "Did it come out of the shower I don't want to see it" "Okay I want to see it" "No my article came out" "They interviewed me for Black Women's Business Weekly" "Oh that is fantastic" "Oh Lenny Kravitz looks terrible" "That's me" "Oh oh,you look great" "Yeah that really captures your" "Congratulations" "What is that magazine" "I've never seen it before" "It's a monthly that targets the African-American business community" "Oh that is just great" "Well I can't wait to read it" "You could read it now" "Oh now" "Oh I'm kind of busy right now" "Okay you're real funny but I don't see you getting the cover of a magazine with the third largest circulation of any free black women's monthly in the Los Angeles area excluding the San Fernando Valley" "Okay,you're right,Barb,it is" "It's a really big deal,it is" "And look it-- oh,wow,you are in good company" "They've got even Magic Johnson in here" "That's me,too" "Where's your hair" "I'm just trying to get the gym a little publicity" "I mean,it's dead in here" "I'm so bored I'm about to ask Ali what happened to her mother's other cat" "It's a really good story,but because of your tone I'm not going to tell you" "You know what" "I mean,publicity doesn't really work,though,Barb" "I mean,we were all over the L A" "Times last year and we didn't get one new member" "We were all over the L A" "Times because our steam room cultivated a new strain of athlete's foot fungus" "God,I miss my toenails" "You know,I could use a few new members" "It'll give me someone else to talk to" "Yeah,no offense,Barb,but,I mean,who really reads this thing" "I mean,is there still a lot of interest in Al Sharpton" "Damn it,Christine,that's me" "That I knew was you" "See We have fun" "You know what,Barb Maybe we will get one or two new members" "Good for you Good for you" "Something's different" "The new adventures of old christine S4E03" "What happened here" "What I don't know what you're talking about" "You've got some new members,huh" "Some new members They're all new members" "I've never seen this many new members in one place" "What is your point" "No point You own a black gym" "What Where did you get that from" "You didn't notice that everyone in your gym is black" "Of course not" "I'm a Democrat" "What does that mean" "I drive a Prius" "I don't see color" "What color is your Prius" "No idea I'm not a racist" "Christine,it doesn't make you a racist to notice that people are different colors" "Okay,look,I don't want to talk about this anymore,okay" "I need you to help me with Ritchie today" "Can you do that or not You're so stressed out" "It's like the muscles in your jaw are so tight you're developing a tic .." "I don't have a tic,okay" "I am working,all right Racist" "Until you learn what it means,you can't use that word anymore" "Look,I need your help,okay" "With all of these new members,I don't have time to do anything all right and Ritchie's got and Ritchie's got field trips and lessons and soccer practices and I need your help to get him there" "Done" "Okay,now,for soccer,you got to make sure that" "I know,I know" "We'll make sure he puts his shin guards on his shins and not in his pants" "Actually,that's a good general rule for him-- nothing in his pants" "All right,oh,but now listen" "He's playing U-12 now,so that means the practices are at Verdugo at 4:15 and the field is .." "You know what I better write this down" "No,no,no,don't write it down,I know where it is" "They had the playoffs there last year" "N-N-No,no,no,no,not on that side,though,on the other side,and there are,like,six fields there" "And you can't just drop him off" "He'll follow anyone with a whistle" "We'll make sure he finds his coach" "Don't worry about it" "Okay,now,wait a minute" "Now,listen,when you get him home,you give Ritchie dinner and then you make sure he showers but I mean really showers,okay,not just gets in and pees and gets out" "Well,he is his mother's son" "Okay,wait a minute,wait a minute,and then tonight you got to put his guitar by the door because he's got a lesson tomorrow,okay" "Yeah,right" "Fine" "Okay,repeat it back to me" "No,we got it" "Okay You got it Are you sure you've got it" "Yes" "Okay,sorry,I'm just a little uptight" "Because of all the new members" "Okay,will you stop calling them "new members"" "Christine,I need you out here" "One of the new members needs some help-- the woman in the pink sweats" "You're going to have to give her more than that" "She doesn't see color" "Get out" "Look at us" "First ones here" "Yeah,we beat the carpool line" "Christine owes us an apology for assuming we'd screw this up just because we're menen" "Yeah,you know what she is" "She's a sexist who doesn't know what "racist" means" "I mean,how da she doubt our abilities" "It's not just her" "It's everywhere" "All those dopey dads on TV" ""Oh,I put the diaper on backwards" "Hey,I'm gonna pour beer on my cereal" ""Oh,I forgot my anniversary,so now I'm in the doghouse" "I'm not gonna get any sex" "I love football and giant sandwiches" "Oh,God,it's Sunday" "I don't get that one" "No,it's Sunday" "Ritchie's home with Christine" "That's why we're the only ones here" "Oh,my God,it's Sunday" "Want to go home and watch football" "I can't,it's my anniversary" "I am so going to be in the doghouse with New Christine" "Giant sandwich sounds good" "Barb" "We're out of membership packets and I already used the back of the CPR poster" "What do we do now" "Well,first,we should unplug the treadmill so nobody has a heart attack and then you can stop dancing while you're talking to me" "It's hard" "Where's Christine" "Get out here" "Hey,Barb" "What are you doing in there" "Oh,I've been busy" "I've just been working on the five-year projections and the feasibility of franchise projections" "Almost,but you said projections twice" "Now come help me" "I had to start a waiting list" "We can't take on any more new members" "Well,maybe you can't,Barb,but I have no problem" "Yeah,I am just totally cool" "Oh,good,I'm glad you're totally cool" "Now,come help me get these women measured and weighed in" "Annette,Gloria,this is Christine" "She's my partner in the gym" "She's the white one" "Barb,you're terrible" "No" "She doesn't mean that" "Doesn't mean what" "Oh,any of it,you know" "Neither do I" "Christine actually started this business so if you have any questions about anything like franchise projections she's the one to ask" "Yes,well,thank you for that,Barbara" "I appreciate your confidence in me,but as the good man says,we are all equals" "Barb and I" "And us" "What's going on with your face" "Equality" "Hope" "Now,if you'll just excuse me,I will pop black into my office" "Back,not black" "So,if you'll excuse me,I will be white black" "Uh,white black" "whi-ite black" "What the hell was that" "Barb,I don't know what's happening to me" "I'm a Democrat" "I drive a Prius" "I don't even know what color it is" "What are you talking about" "Listen,ever since we've got these new members,pardon the expression" "It just it feels like the gym is different" "Yeah,it's different" "It's crowded and profitable" "Yeah,yeah,yeah,and that's good" "But it just it has a different vibe" "Vibe" "You know" "Essence" "I don't want to say any more" "I think you better say something" "I can't" "Say it,Christine" "Look,Barb,no offense,okay,but ever since that article came out,the gym has become entirely" "You finish" "No,you finish" "There are many not too many,but so many" "There are a lot of" "You finish" "Finish it,Christine" "Fine" "You want me to say it,I'll say it" "I think I'm a racist,Barb" "I'm going to go feed my mom's cat" "What are you talking about" "It makes sense" "I come from a long line of racists" "My great-grandfather was a racist,my grandfather was a racist" "My father owns a banjo,so he carries the gene" "Okay,calm down,crazy" "I've known you since you were 19 years old" "You're a lot of things" "You're a slut,you're lazy,you drink too much,you're cheap you're a terrible cook,a bad driver,awful speller,a miserable wife,a lousy" "Get to it,Barb" "You're not a racist" "You love black people" "You married a black woman" "I know,but for the past two days,every time I walk in this gym I feel nervous" "You know,I'm so worried that I'm going to say the wrong thing" "I just want to hide in my office and not talk to anyone" "Do you have any idea what it's like to be a minority" "No,I do not" "Well,it's hard" "Christine,how do you think I feel being surrounded by white people all the time" "I don't know" "Bored" "Sometimes" "You know,I mean seriously,Barb,I pride myself on my liberal values and my open mind" "I hate that I'm uncomfortable" "How do you think I feel when I go to cheese shops,the Hollywood Bowl,Volvo dealerships" "Malibu,Calabasas,Alaska,the Republican Convention,the Gap" "Get to it,Barb" "Everyone feels more comfortable when they're surrounded by people who look like them" "That's why Martha Stewart bought Connecticut" "But maybe we should diversify our clientele" "So that way we'll both feel comfortable" "We need to integrate the gym" "Oh,yeah,yeah,you're right" "We should just even it out" "Well,I brought in the black people with my article" "You go round up some white folks" "Okay,fine" "If you need me,I'll be at Whole Foods or Williams-Sonoma or Banana Republic,J Crew,Minnesota,Congress" "Oh,you know what,I'll just go to Ritchie's school" " Hey,dude" " Hey,man" "Where's Ritchie" "Oh,God" "Don't say that" "I called you last nit we went over the plan" "You were supposed to pick him up" "No,I was supposed to pick up dinner" "You were supposed to pick up Ritchie" "Where's dinner" "Oh,man" "Okay,we just have to remember what Christine said" "Today's Monday" "That means he was at school" "Where did she say he was going after school" "I can't remember" "She talks so much,and so little of it matters" "Well,if he's still at school,they would have called us" "Ah,there you go-- a message" "Hey,it's me" "Everything went well with Ritchie" "Give me a call" "Great" "Everything went well" "And wherever he is,there's a nice lady there" "How are we going to find him" "Oh,I don't think we can find him" "Okay,I know" "Let's listen to it again,and maybe we can hear something in the background that will clue as to where he is" "Message erased" "Did you catch anything" "Look,we're just going to have to go everywhere Ritchie goes" "He doesn't go that many places" "Okay,we'll start with the school,then we'll go to the soccer fields and then we'll try his friends' houses" "Who are his friends" "I don't know-- he's always talking about some kid named Clay Aiken" "I'm going to do you a favor and not tell you who that is" "If Christine finds out about this,we're going to have to move to Mexico" "She better not find out" "I do not like cilantro" "Can you believe this" "What are the chances of the three of us being pregnant at the same time" "I'm not pregnant" "What a beautiful blousy top" "What are you laughing at" "You're growing a beard" "It's my hormones" "It's falling out of my head and sprouting everywhere else" "Oh,hi,ladies" "Excuse me,um" "Well,as you know,I own a woman's-only gym,and we are having a promotion" "A two-week free trial membership for white women uh,for women" "Yeah,we have pregnancy yoga classes so you can all come together" "I'm going to burn this blouse" "You know,Christine,I don't think we're really interested" "Oh,well,I could throw in free massages and some facial waxing" "Oh,I'm in" "Oh,hey,Barb" "I got three" "I'm going to Nordstrom's to get some more" "I can't believe we didn't find him" "I can't believe you lost him" "I didn't lose him,I lost dinner" "And he's not lost,he's somewhere" "I'm so worried" "And hungry" "We're going to have to tell Christine" "And then she's going to talk to us in that tone for the rest of our lives" "I don't care" "I just want Ritchie back" "Me too,man" "Oh,come on,did you guys watch Rudy again" "Christine,we have to talk to you" "I know" "You must be so mad at me" "A little" "Explain why" "I screwed up the whole day" "I told you to pick him up at his guitar lesson" "Guitar lesson" "Go on" "But today wasn't his guitar lesson" "He had study group after school and then he went to Jimmy Ray's house until after dinner" "I sent you on a complete wild-goose chase" "You're damn right you did" "We drove all the way out to Hmm-dale" "Where" "You know,it's right off the 1-0-fling freeway" "Listen,I know that I messed up,but I got to get back to work" "Is there any way you guys can pick him up" "Of course" "We're not idiots" "Okay" "Thanks so much" "I've got to go wax Lindsay's chin" "She's having a rough pregnancy" "In the wrong light,she looks like Fidel Castro" "Thank you" "Well,that went well" "Yeah" "Do you have any idea where Ritchie is" "Well,I'm hoping to God he's in Hmm-dale" "What's different" "Oh,hi,Barb" "What did you do with all the black people" "I don't see color,Barb" "You don't see color because there is no color" "Now,what did you do with all the black people" "They got mad when they found out the white women were here for free and they had to pay" "It's also why the music went to crap" "This is terrible" "Well,we can fix it" "We can just offer free membership to our black clients,too" "You can't make any money that way" "Maybe we can charge Asians double" "Barb,come on,we have to treat everybody the same whether their Asian or black or regular" "They should just come because it's a good gym" "Yeah,it is a good gym" "As long as you wear sandals in the shower" "And it can stand on its own merits" "Well,we did it" "We sure did" "You know,Barb,maybe the world wasn't ready for an integrated gym" "Yeah,we were ahead of our time" "Besides,we've done our share" "We're part of a biracial,fake,lesbian,sham marriage" "Let somebody else do something" "Yeah,you're right" "We're heroes" "I'm exhausted" "I'm going to take a nap" "I'm going to go to Nordstrom's"