"Now, ladies and gentlemen, as a tribute to Johnny Longden wonderful riding accomplishments, the National Turf Association wishes to present him with this beautiful trophy." "Applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause, applause..." "The inscription read" ""Presented by National Turf Association" ""to Johnny Longden," ""the winningest jockey of all time-- 4,961 victories."" "There you are, Johnny." "Thank you, Ricky." "My pleasure, Johnny." "And I wish to add my congratulations and the congratulations of everybody here at the Club Babalu." "Applause, applause, applause, applause..." "Oh." "Hi." "Oh, Ricky, that's a wonderful speech." "That's the one you're gonna make at the big affair tonight, huh?" "Yeah." "Sound all right?" "Yeah, it sounded great." "Oh, good." "I'm so proud they asked me to be the emcee, you know." "You should be." "Yeah." "Where's Lucy?" "She went shopping." "I told her to go buy a new hat and a new dress for the banquet." "Would you say that again?" "I told her to buy a new hat and a new dress." "In the 25 years I've been married," "I have never heard that phrase before." "Oh, now, Ethel," "I know that Fred is a little tight, but I know that if an important occasion came around, he would loosen up." "He wouldn't tell me to go buy a new dress" "Hi!" "Oh, hi, Fred." "Well, Rick, I see you picked up the trophy." "Yeah." "Isn't that a beauty?" "Listen to this, Fred." "Yeah." ""4,961 victories."" "Isn't that great?" "Great?" "It's terrible." "What do you mean?" "I didn't have a buck on any one of them." "Oh, Fred..." "I didn't." "Well, hi." "Hi." "Hi, honey." "What'd you get?" "What'd you get?" "Oh, wait till you see, Ethel." "Wait till you see..." "Oh, honey, you got the cup." "Isn't that a beauty?" "Oh, it's beautiful." "Huh?" "Oh, he's gonna be thrilled with that." "Yeah." "The engraver did a beautiful job." "Uh-huh!" "Come on, honey, open up." "Let's see what you bought." "Okay." "Oh, listen, dear." "I have a lot of business to do uptown before I go to the banquet, and I don't want to lug that cup around with me, so will you bring it down?" "Sure, honey." "Now, look." "The banquet starts at 7:00, so don't be late." "No, I won't be late, dear." "All right." "Come on, let me see your new dress!" "All right, calm down." "You're acting like you never saw a new dress before." "Who's acting?" "How do you like it?" "Oh, it's gorgeous!" "Honey, how do you like it?" "Oh, it's beautiful." "Looks like a million dollars." "That's probably what it cost." "It was only 49.95." "To him, that's a million dollars." "Honeybunch, can I help it if I think of you as my dungaree doll?" "Ethel, wait till you see my new hat." "Let me see." "It's the smartest thing you ever saw." "Come on, let me see it." "Let me see it." "Well, you really have to see it on to appreciate it, so close your eyes, everybody." "All right." "Open your eyes, everybody." "Close your eyes, everybody." "Oh, Fred, shut up." "Honey, it's adorable." "How do you like it, dear?" "Well, it's uh... uh..." "What are you laughing at?" "Oh, honey, that's the funniest thing I ever seen." "I'll say it is." "Looks like you're wearing a fuzzy fishbowl." "Now, honey, don't you pay any attention to them." "It's divine." "Yeah, who cares what they think?" "They don't know what's smart." "Well, I may not know what's smart, but I know what's funny." "And that's funny." "I don't care what you think." "It may interest you two hyenas to know that this is the latest style from Paris." "Oh, no." "I think it's the end, the very end." "The end of what?" "I don't care what you think," "I'm gonna wear it to the dinner tonight." "Oh-ho, no, you're not." "My wife is not gonna look ridiculous in front of all those people." "I do not look ridiculous." "You do, too." "You'll be better off wearing... wearing that trophy on your head." "You wouldn't look half as funny." "Well, honey, all the new hats look like this." "Well, then, wear one of your old hats." "Wear an old hat to the banquet in front of Johnny Longden and his wife and everybody?" "Look, Lucy, I don't care what you wear, but don't wear that." "Mommy." "I gotta go." "What dear?" "I need a bigger box for my turtle." "A bigger box?" "Oh, wait just a minute." "I'll get you one, honey." "Now, Ricky, I'm giving you one last chance." "Can I wear this hat?" "I'm giving you one last answer-- no." "Hey, this is a swell new house for my turtle." "Hey, stop him!" "He can't put his turtle in that thin'." "Oh, Ricky, Ricky, honey, come here, dear." "You can't put your turtle in that thin'." "Isn't that funny, Fred?" "Women will buy anything if it's in fashion." "They certainly will." "How would you know?" "You haven't bought me anything since bloomers were in style." "Oh, good grief." "Ethel, if you're gonna play that same old tune on your player piano, I'm going home." "Well, twenty-three skidoo." "I'll see you later, Fred." "All right." "Honey, I'll see you down at the banquet!" "I gotta go." "Wait a minute, dear." "I want you to see the hat that I decided to wear." "Okay, honey." "Now, what do you think you're doing?" "You said I might as well wear this, and I think I will." "Very, very funny." "Now, take that thing off your head and bring it down to the club in time." "Oh..." "Good-bye." "Hey, you're cold." "That was a nice try, girl." "Yeah." "I'll see you later." "I got a lot to do." "Ethel..." "Ethel, help me get out of this, will you?" "It's a little tight." "Oh..." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Oh, Ethel, I think it's stuck." "Oh, this could only happen to you." "What did you say?" "This could only happen to you." "Speak up." "I can't hear in this thing." "This could only hap..." "Oh, don't shout." "It echoes in here." "Oh, honey, I'm sorry." "Here." "Come here, honey." "Now, now, just bend over." "I'll, I'll get some..." "Okay." "Ready?" "Ethel!" "Oh, Lucy, it won't come off!" "What am I gonna do?" "Well, we could always butter your head." "Now, let's not be funny." "I gotta get this thing off." "Now, think." "Okay." "Oh, gosh." "Of all the things." "Are you thinking, Ethel?" "Yeah, I'm thinking." "What are you laughing at?" "Oh, you don't know how funny you look in that thing." "Well, this is no laughing matter." "Now, think." "Oh, all right." "Lucy, does heat make metal contract or expand?" "I think it makes it expand." "Why?" "Then that's it." "We'll stick your head in the oven." "In the oven?" "!" "Yeah." "The trophy will get bigger, and then your head will be free." "Oh, great." "Why don't you put an apple in my mouth and barbecue me?" "I guess it wouldn't work, huh?" "No, I guess it wouldn't work." "Hey, I got another idea." "It'd better be better than your last one." "Wait a minute now." "Just a second." "Ah!" "Oh!" "What are you doing, Ethel?" "!" "I'm trying to loosen it like the lid on a jar." "Oh, cut it out, Ethel!" "You're giving me a headache." "Oh, I'm sorry, honey." "Oh!" "Boy, this is a tough one." "Ethel, are you gonna stay over here all winter?" "Oh, Fred, come here and see if you can help us." "Wait till I tell the boys in my old outfit that the Kaiser is still alive." "This is no time for your corny jokes." "We can't get that thing off of Lucy's head." "You gotta be kidding." "I am not kidding." "Now, honey, honey, don't cry." "It'll only make things worse." "Yeah, it might get the trophy rusty." "Fred, what are we gonna do?" "Well, we could get a silversmith and cut it off with a blowtorch." "A blowtorch?" "!" "Or whatever they use." "Then you can weld it back together again." "Oh, dear." "Can't you think of an easier way?" "You'd better think fast, or you'll wind up wearing it to the banquet." "He's right, honey." "You haven't got much time." "Oh, no..." "What time is it, Ethel?" "It's 5:30." "Oh, I'd better call the silversmith, tell him to come over right away." "I'll do it, I'll do it for you, honey." "A silversmith, a silversmith..." "I'm not even gonna ask you how this happened." "Thank you." "What are you doing?" "What are you doing, Fred?" "You can't give Johnny Longden a trophy all full of fingerprints." "Oh, sit down now." "Hello." "Is this the silversmith?" "Can you get a loving cup off of a woman's head?" "Huh?" "Oh, well, she bought a new hat, and I thought it was..." "Oh, never mind how she got it on there." "Can you come up here and get it off?" "Oh, well, now, just a minute." "Lucy, he's gonna close his shop in a half an hour, and he says if you want him to take it off, you'll have to come down there." "Go down there?" "How am I gonna get there?" "I'll take you." "Oh, all right." "All right." "She'll be right down." "Mrs. Ricky Ricardo." "Huh?" "Oh, you won't have any trouble recognizing her." "Lucy, his shop's way down on Bleecker Street, so you'll have to go right from there to the banquet." "Oh, oh, Fred, Fred..." "Yeah?" "Oh, ooh, Fred, run down and hail a taxi for us right away." "All right." "Just a minute." "Honey, a taxi will take too much time." "The subway will be faster." "I can't go on a subway like this." "Do you want to get to that banquet or don't you?" "Oh, all right, all right." "Fred..." "Is Fred gone?" "Answer her!" "Oh, I'm here!" "Fred, Fred, would you stay with Little Ricky." "You can finish reading Cinderella to him." "Yeah, I'll go and get my specs." "I can hardly wait to see who that glass slipper belongs to." "Honey, I'd better go change my clothes, too." "I can't go on a subway dressed like this." "Well, if I can go like this, you certainly can go like that." "In my blue jeans?" "Ethel, with a loving cup on my head," "I hardly think anybody will be looking at your blue jeans." "Lucy, I have never ridden on a subway in my blue jeans, and I'm not gonna start now." "Okay." "Oh, boy, I look terrible." "What on earth are you trying to do now?" "If I have to go from the silversmith's to the banquet," "I want to wear my new dress." "Oh, well, let me try to help you, honey." "Uh, get over here." "Over here, Lucy." "I'll get up on the couch so I can..." "I can pull it better from there." "Here, honey." "Right here." "Turn around." "Ready, set... go!" "Ahh!" "Oh, Ethel!" "Oh, Lucy, we can't get it up over that loving cup." "I want to wear my new dress." "Okay, honey, we'll take your dress along and you can change down there." "Oh, okay." "Say... we'd better get a big hat or something to cover that thing in the subway." "A big hat?" "Yeah." "You got one?" "There might be one in the box in the closet." "Okay, I'll look." "Right there." "Stay right there." "Ethel, are people staring at me?" "No, they're not paying much attention to you." "What'd you say?" "I said they're not staring at you." "You'll have to speak up, honey." "With this hat and the cup and the veil and everything," "I can't hear you." "I said they're not staring at you!" "Ethel, are you still there?" "Yeah, I'm still here." "Why?" "Well, I have a feeling you're trying to pretend you're not with me." "I'm right here beside you." "Okay." "What are you staring at?" "Haven't you ever seen a beekeeper on a subway before?" "Smart aleck." "Who was it?" "Just some smart aleck." "What did he say?" "He's going away." "He's going away." "Did he go away?" "This is Bleecker Street, honey." "Here's where we get off." "Come on." "Ethel, are we on or off?" "Ethel?" "Ethel!" "Ooh, pardon me." "Pardon me, sir." "Very sorry, sir." "Oh, excuse..." "Pardon me." "Can you tell me where the stairs are?" "Well, you'd better get off the train first." "I am off." "You're telling me." "Oh, pardon me." "Can you tell me where I am?" "Yeah." "You're on Earth." "Pardon me." "Where am I?" "Where are you?" "What are you?" "What's the matter with everybody?" "Haven't you ever seen anybody with a loving cup on their head before." "No, I haven't, and I've lived in Brooklyn for 56 years." "Brooklyn?" "Am I in Brooklyn?" "Yes, you are." "Flatbush Avenue." "Oh, dear." "Would you do a favor for me?" "Would you, would you make a telephone call for me?" "There's something I have to tell my husband." "Yes, dearie, anything you say." "Oh, thank you." "If you would call Plaza 3-2099 and ask for Ricky Ricardo-- he's my husband-- and tell him that I have the cup, but I put my foot in it again." "I mean, I put my head in it." "J-J-Just tell him I have the cup and I'm on my way and tell Johnny Longden to hold his horses." "Hold his horses." "Oh, boy, that's funny, isn't it?" "That's hilarious." "Now, maybe it's a little hard for you to understand, but my husband will understand." "Now, if you'll just call Plaza 3-2099, ask for Ricky Ricardo and tell him Lucy's on the way with the cup." "Oh, dear, I can't find a dime." "Just take what you need." "Thanks, lady." "Who's that?" "Where's that lady I was talking to?" "Where'd everybody go?" "Maybe it's a sorority initiation." "Either that, or she played tennis with a sore loser." "Would a policeman be of any help?" "Oh, good grief, no." "Don't get a policeman." "You know how nosy they are." "Always asking those foolish questions and then instead of helping after you've gone all... explaining for a half an hour, all they do is just mess things up." "Don't get a policeman." "Thank you very..." "Listen, if you could direct me to a..." "If..." "Uh, yeah." "Would, would, would you get me one of those wonderful, kindhearted policemen?" "One of those guardians of the law in this great city?" "One of those grand chaps that I..." "Just what do, what do you think you're doing?" "Well, Officer, sir..." "You see, sir..." "Officer, sir..." "Uh... uh..." "Now, you're not gonna believe this but a very funny thing happened to me on the way to a banquet tonight." "Now, ladies and gentlemen, before we start our official presentation," "I'd like you to say hello to our guest of honor." "Of course you all know the man that has won more races than any other jockey in the entire world" "Johnny Longden." "And his very lovely and charming wife," "Mrs. Hazel Longden." "And now, as a tribute to Johnny's great accomplishment in the racing world, the National Turf Association is very proud to present to him..." "We're about to present to him... uh... a very lovely trophy." "Oh, wait till you see it." "It's really beautiful." "And we do have a trophy, you know." "I saw it." "I had it in my hands once." "Well, the trophy should be here shortly and, uh, while we're waiting for the trophy, uh..." "I-I'll tell you a story." "I've got a wonderful story about a turtle." "And, uh..." "Oh, pardon me." "Are you Ricky Ricardo?" "Yes?" "Well, I got a, uh..." "Well, there's a woman out there." "Claims she's your wife." "My wife?" "Yeah." "She's got a loving cup stuck on her head." "That's my wife." "You have my deepest sympathy." "Thank you." "Seems to be in a little mishap." "Oh, no." "I tried to get it off." "Yes, that's all right, dear." "There, this is the trophy, ladies and gentlemen, right along with my wife, Lucy." "Very funny." "And now for the presentation, ladies and gentlemen." "This is the trophy, and I'd like you to read the..." "I'd to read the inscription to you, Johnny." "The inscription..." "Uh, would you mind, dear, if you'd just put your head down?" "Thank you very much." "Back up again." "Again." ""Presented by National Turf Association" ""to Johnny Longden, the winningest jockey of all time-- 4,961 victories."" "There you are, John." "Well, Ricky, that's, that's a great honor, and that's a nice cup." "I'm sure it will look good in my..." "trophy... collection, but what am I gonna do with your wife?" "Well, Johnny, that's been my problem for 15 years." "Now it's yours." "Oh, Ricky." "Down, girl." "Can I get a shot of you two with that trophy?" "Why, sure." "Hold the cup over there, Johnny." "That's it." "All right, now, a great big smile." "All right." "Not you." "Down." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you, Johnny."