"Cassie?" "Cassie?" "Cassie?" " Cassie." " Hmm?" "Did you sleep in my bed again last night?" "No, I just came in here this morning to cuddle with you." "Like, I get that you're obsessed with me, but you have, like, a really nice big bed, and that's only, like, ten feet away." "It's really not that hard to walk to." "Well, your bed is so much more comfy." "I don't know." "It's weird sleeping without Matthew." "I'm just not used to it yet." "So you're using me." "Duh." "So who's gonna make breakfast today?" "Mm, I made it last weekend, so probably you." "Uh, no, I made it last weekend." "No, that was two weekends ago, remember?" "No, that was last Saturday." " Blueberry pancakes." " Fine." "Rock, paper, scissors over it?" "Fine." " Ready?" " Mm-hmm." " Really?" " No?" "Okay." " Oh." "No." " Okay." "Okay, fine." "Whatever." "I'll make it." "Yes!" "Under one con-di-tion." " No!" " Yes." "You have to promise never to leave me." "Okay?" "Matthew is gone, and you are all that I have now in my sad and lonely life." "That is a lot to ask for in return for pancakes." "They're blueberry pancakes." "Fine." "But just for the pancakes." "Bacon melt cheeseburger," "Philly cheese steak." "A pulled pork sandwich." "You'd think they'd have more vegetarian options." "Right?" "I mean, god forbid a vegan tries to eat here." "You know, the people that don't eat any animal byproducts." "Oh, we know what vegans are, honey." "We have the Google at home." "Oh, babe, don't call it "the Google."" "You're making us look uncool." "No, I think it's kind of hipster of me" " to call it "the Google."" " You know, even if it's wrong, if mom wants to call it "the Google,"" "then we should support her." " Thank you." " Well." "Do you know what group of people tend to have a lot of vegans, actually, is..." " Lesbians." " Oh, really?" "W-we're gonna need a couple more minutes." "Thank you." "It's a shame Matthew couldn't make it out this evening." "Uh, well, he was busy so..." "Working nights to pay his way through med school during the day." "That's one ambitious man you have." "You must be so proud." " You're dating a doctor." " Hmm." "He's gonna cure cancer one day." "Well, he's at the chiropractic college." "So he's gonna be a chiropractor." "But if you guys think that's one step closer to curing cancer, then, sure, yeah." "He's gonna save millions of lives." "This place is really dope." "Oh, good use of the word "dope," honey." " Mm." " A lot of the kids from campus hang out here." "Like, the other day, we couldn't even get in 'cause the whole softball team was having a party here." "Did you know that most of the girls on the softball team" " are les..." " Let me guess." " Lesbians?" " Is it lesbians?" "I, um, got that internship at the creative agency." " Mm." " That's wonderful." " How much does that pay?" " Well, it's an internship." "So, I don't know, roughly like six figures." " So nothing." " Uh," "I think that a ten dollar per diem is a lot more than nothing." "How are you gonna survive on ten dollars a day?" "I don't know." "Dumpster diving." "Be serious." "We worry about you." "It's a good thing that you have Matthew." "Especially if I get cancer." "You know what?" "I was gonna wait until we ordered dessert, but I think I'm just gonna..." "Oh, I hope they have something with bacon bits on it." "I hear that's like really trendy right now." "Bacon is my favorite food group." "I wouldn't mind like a hot fudge sundae, though." "Ugh!" "I'd share that with you." "You know, with some drizzle and some nuts on it." " Salty, something sweet..." " We'll get two spoons, okay?" "Excuse me." "I'm trying to tell you guys something extremely difficult and heart wrenching, and, I mean, it might kill me, so a little respect, please." "John, put your fork down." "MacKenzie's having a nervous breakdown or indigestion." " I can't tell." " Can't be indigestion." "I mean, she's hardly touched her food." "John, please focus on our daughter." " She's dying." " Thank you, mom." "Hmm." "Mom..." "Dad..." "I'm gay." "No, no." "No." "Oh, god, why?" "No, MacKenzie." "How could you do that to us?" "What did we ever do to deserve this?" "Oh, my god, no." "MacKenzie, no!" "So how's the planning going for your Europe trip?" "Um, it's been postponed." "But this is the final summer you're free." "And soon Matthew will be working all the time." "You don't him to take time off work to go gallivanting across Europe." "Matthew's probably just busy, honey, with school and work." " He's gonna be a doctor." " I know that, dear." "I just thought I'd be nice for him to take a break from all of his hard work." "You know, I just..." "Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there." "Matthew and I broke up." "What does that mean?" "It means we are no longer dating." "Oh..." "Oh, my god." "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Honey, we know." "What do you mean you know?" "How?" "We read your diary every night when you went to bed." "We're your parents." "We just know these things." "And I found a copy of "the I word" under your bed like five years ago, - yeah." "Alice is hilarious." "I mean, Bette is terrifying." "I hate you both." "What?" "What did you do?" "I didn't do anything." "Well, you must've done something for him to break up with you." "Uh, actually, I left him." "But thanks for assuming he dumped me." "Why did you break up with him?" "He was perfect for you." "He was perfect for you." "Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, honey." "He proposed." "What?" "Are you..." " A lesbian?" " No." "I'm not a lesbian." "But you know what?" "Sometimes I wish I was." "Don't say that." "That's horrible." "So..." "Is it Cassie?" "Is it Cassie what?" " Is Cassie your lover?" " Eck." "Eww." "Please don't ever say "lover" again." " Lover." " Ugh." "Ugh." "And, no, Cassie isn't gay." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Besides, I haven't told her yet." "Told her what?" "That I'm gay." "Ah, don't worry about it, honey." " I'm sure she knows." " Mm-hmm." "Honey, you're a..." "What do they call it, John?" " A hundred footer." " You are a hundred footer." "And you guys are just completely okay with this?" "To be honest, I was worried you were going to tell us" " you were a vegan." " Yeah." "I mean, I'm relieved that you're gay." " I mean, men are assholes." " Mm-hmm." "If I could be gay, I would be." "That's disgusting." " Babe." " And how did it go?" "It was horrible." "It was worse than expected." "I don't even want to talk about it." "Oh, doll, that's really shitty." "I'm so sorry." "Like, they didn't even care at all." "They showed no emotion whatsoever." "No, that's a lie." "They were like happy about it." "Isn't that sick?" "Yeah, that sounds really devastating." "I mean, it took me months to finally..." "To summon the courage to come out to them and then they just treat it like it's no big deal." "Well, I'm sorry, but it is a big deal." "Like, they weren't even upset at all." "Isn't that fucked?" "Oh, my god." "Why are they not upset?" "Do they not love me?" "They definitely don't care about you." "I mean, my parents told me I was an abomination and that I was gonna burn in hell for all eternity." "Way to rub it in my face." "Oh, and they didn't even tell me that they were proud of me." "Isn't that like the number one thing you're supposed to tell your gay kid when you come out to them, like, how proud you are of them?" "I'm pretty sure it's in the gay parent handbook." "They must've lost the handbook." "I can only come out to them once in my whole life, and they freaking ruined it for me with their kindness and blatant disregard for my feelings." "Are you even listening to me?" "Oh, no." "Cassie's home." "I gotta go, bitch." "Okay, babe." "Sorry your parents are amazing." "Shit." "Stop whatever you're doing right now." "We are going to pizza hut buffet." "I am going to commit carbicide." "I mean, before you say anything," "I know that pizza hut buffet is not a thing anymore, rest in peace pizza hut buffet, but that doesn't mean we can't just order like a bazillion pizzas and pretend it's still a thing." "Right?" "This is not what it looks like." "I know what you must be thinking." "MacKenzie, are you watching lesbian porn?" "'Cause I told you that." ""Bridget Jones' diaphragm" is not the same movie." "No, I..." "Well, yes, but it's for a class." "Really?" "What class?" "I want in." "Yeah, it's like this women's studies class." "I have to do this assignment on post colonial gentrification set in an urban landscape posing in lesbian film." "Did you just take everything you remembered from your art theory class and mush it all together?" "That is exactly what I just did." "Hmm." "Well, it looks like you beat me to the carbicide." "What happened?" "Dinner with my parents was kind of a disaster." "Really?" "What happened?" "Uh, I just..." "I told them something, and they did not take it the way that I thought that they would." "Your parents are like the most supportive people" "I know." "I know." "It's the worst." "What didn't they take the right way?" "You know what?" "It's nothing." "How was dinner with your parents?" "Well, I told them I broke up with Matthew." "Oh, shit." "How'd that go?" "Um, well, I think after the hysterical crying and screaming stopped that it actually went pretty well." "I got the chocolate explosion cake for dessert." "Fuck off." "That's a good one." " Did you bring me some?" " Mm-mm." "Yeah." " Yeah." " Hah." "So are we gonna go or I guess we can just keep watching lesbian porn." "It's not lesbian porn." "It's lesbian film." "It's art." "It's very different." "Lesbian porn is gross." "Yeah, I know." "I don't even think that the lesbians who do lesbian porn are real lesbians." "Well, like I saw this one where they were, they were using a strap-on, and then they like put on a condom on it and I was like, "why?"" "Why would you..." "Why would you do that?" "Extra protection, obviously." "Well, I will stick to my normal porn." "One-legged paraplegics and Asian tentacles," " thank you very much." " Hmm." "I'm watching all the sex scenes in lesbian movies, mom, are you gonna call me a pervert?" "Damn it, mom!" "Call me a pervert." "Isn't it weird how different your life turned out than the way you had planned?" "Trust me, I know." "What did you want to be again when you grew up?" " A ninja turtle?" " No!" "I wanted to be the red power ranger." " How could you forget?" " Oh, yeah." "Right." "How could I?" "You were the only girl who didn't want to be the pink power ranger." "Well, the red one was obviously the coolest and the leader so." "And the hottest." "Right." "It's like I thought I knew what I was doing with my life." "You know, like, I had a plan and I wrote it out on paper." "I didn't even put it in my phone." "Like, I killed a tree for it." "I know." "It hangs on our fridge, mocking me for not having a plan." "Then Matthew had to go and propose and screw everything up." "Now look at me." "You're a walking disaster." "You are lucky I'm still friends with you." "I think I'm having an anxiety attack." "I don't really know, because I've never really had one before, but I think that's what's happening right now." " Are you having trouble breathing?" " No." "Do you feel super nervous?" "No." "I don't think you know what an anxiety attack is." "Maybe there are different forms of anxiety attacks." "Yeah, I don't think so." "I don't know." "It's just, like, my whole life I thought that I wanted a traditional life, you know?" "Like, get married and have kids, and, I don't know, have a dog that wears like a tiny hat." "Yeah." "I mean you can still have a traditional life." " You know that." " I don't know." "Maybe I don't want a traditional life." "You know, like, maybe I wanna be promiscuous and get hpv, I don't know, the sky's the limit." "I think hpv's, like, really common now." "You can get crazier than that." "You should go for the clap." "Hey, Cassie." "I've gotta tell you something, and please don't freak out." "But..." "Oh, my god." "Oh, you know." "Oh, shit, you know." "I've made a huge mistake." "My parents were right." "Okay." "Clearly you're having a mental breakdown because your parents are never right." "You weren't ready to get married, which is good, because you're 22." "Who the fuck gets married at 22, cass?" "Rednecks, that's who." "Maybe I wanna be a redneck." "Okay, then go be a redneck." "I don't wanna be a redneck." "I think I know what's going to make you feel better." "Do you remember when I dated Andrew?" " Eww, yeah." " Yeah." "And he had, like, the tiniest dick ever?" "Yeah, you said it was an innie." "It was." "It was a fucking innie." "I mean, I have not seen a lot of dicks in my lifetime, but that one was tiny." "It was so small that when it got scared it would just like, disappear." "It would like, retreat until there was no penis left." "I've never even heard of a dick that small." "I mean, I guess technically, I never even lost my virginity." "So, I'm still a virgin." "Who's more pathetic now?" "This one." "You're a 22-year-old virgin." "Priests have had more sex than I have." "Maybe my life isn't so bad." "Yeah." "Hey, why did you tell me not to freak out?" "Just, like, don't freak out because your life's not that bad." "Oh, right." "Thanks, bud." "Okay, which one should I wear?" "Is this a joke?" "They look identical." "This one's a tri-blend, and this one's a poly-cotton." "God, you're such a lesbian sometimes." "Fine, the one on the right." "I don't know." "This one reeks of desperation." "I'm going with the poly-cotton." "I don't even know why you bother asking me." "I have literally worn this shirt for, like, a week now." "I just keep on, like, dousing it in perfume to hide my b.O." "My god, you're disgusting." "I'm single." "I don't know what you would do if you didn't have me." "Oh, here we go." ""Tum-blur"?" "Tumblr." "It's the new Facebook for lesbians." "Hell, it's the new eharmony for lesbians." "I have a pinterest account." "Can I just use that?" "No, are you a 50-year-old mom or planning your wedding?" "No." "Delete that account immediately." "I'm, like, embarrassed for you." "Okay, so, let's create your profile." "You're totes adorbs." "So, trust me, the ladies are gonna be all over you." "Okay." "I have to pick a theme." "How about sports?" "Oh, my god, perfect." "Lesbians love sports." "How do you know all this stuff?" "Tumblr, duh." "Hey, I'm MacKenzie, recently out, just turned 22." "I like comics, puppies, and astronomy." "I love you." "Yeah, that's all I got." "Whatever, nobody reads that stuff anyways." "They're more interested in your selfies." " Gimme your phone." " Oh." "Mmm." "Okay, do, like, a sexy pouty face, but look like you aren't trying." "Can you like crinkle your nose a little bit?" "More lips." "Like you're not taking a shit though." "Now smile through your eyes." "Oh god, less smizing." "Eww." "They just keep getting worse." "Okay, maybe I can find a decent picture you already took and then make it look better on instagram." " Okay." " Okay, umm..." "Oh, this one." "This is perfect." "Okay, I'm just going to crop Cassie out." "Voila, it's live." "I'll give it a week, and you'll have a tumblr girlfriend in no time." "So, how's Cassie?" "I haven't seen that bitch in weeks." "She's good." "She's been really busy with her internship and school stuff." "And, how'd she take it when you told her?" "Told her what?" "That you decided to join the lpga." "I have not told her yet." "I'm sorry, what?" "I mean, she's gotta know." "She has to know." "I mean, look at you." "I'm pretty good at hiding my lesbianism, Levi." "I've been doing it for 22 years." "Oh, honey, no." "No, you haven't." "Well, whatever." "Cassie doesn't know." "Well, what are you waiting for?" "She's your best friend." "She isn't gonna care." "I know that she's not going to care, it's just..." "I don't know." "I'm worried about making things change between us." "Like, what if she does get weirded out?" "I'm worried about screwing things up." "You're being way too dramatic." "Trust me, she isn't gonna care." "I mean, it's worse that you're lying to her." "I'm not lying to her," "I just haven't told her the truth." "Tell her." "You don't want her finding out from somebody else." "And besides, I'm sure she knows you're a hundred footer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Why do lesbians like this stuff?" "I have no clothes." "I have nothing." "Looks to me like you're wearing clothes." "I need to go shopping." "What are you doing today?" "Nothing." "And, no, I will not go shopping with you." "Yes, you are." "I can't go by myself." "Call Levi, he misses you." "Plus, I'm sure I'm sure he wants any excuse to skip class." "I did call Levi and he's busy." " So, I'm your backup?" " You're always my backup." "Well, find someone else because I am not going." " Yes, you're going." " No, I'm not." "I'll buy you a pretzel." "Love it." "Yellow is so your color." "Buy it, let's go." "I don't know if I like the pattern." "Oh, like, that's the style I want." "Yeah, her pant-top combination was just great, and then with the shoes, it just came together really nicely." "You're right, I should have brought Levi." "Duh." "Oh, what about this one?" "I love them all." "I'm so bored." "My legs hurt, I wanna sit down." "I did not buy you a pretzel so you could complain the whole time." "This is the thousandth store we've been in." "I don't even know what you're looking for anymore." "Dresses, pants, shoes, you've tried on everything." "I just got out of a serious relationship." "I need to get rid of things that remind me of Matthew." "So, everything." "Yes." "I want a cinnamon bun, too." " Fine." " Yes." "Hmm." "I don't know, I'll just try on both of them." "Is it too summery?" "I don't know, it's hot out, so I don't think you're going to be cold in that." "Yeah, but it's spring." " So?" " So, is it too summery for spring?" "I'm so lost right now." "I don't know." "I think it's too summery." "I'm going to try on the other one." "Okay." "No problem, I'll just stand here, dying of hunger." "Mac." "Hi, how are you?" "Matthew, my clothes." "Yeah, here." "So, uh, are you with Cassie here?" "Uh..." "I don't know?" "What?" "You... you don't know?" "What about this one, but with, like, a belt?" "Uh..." "Hi." "Hi." "I don't know about this one." "Do I look fuckable?" "Like who would fuck me in this?" "No one." "No one would fuck you in that dress." "That was, like, really weird." "How long are you going to be?" "Your little cousin seems like a wonderful person." "She... she's not my... my cousin." "Uh, MacKenzie, could you come in here for a sec?" "I, uh, think my dress is stuck." "Why did you let me try on this dress?" "I look like an idiot." "I told you to bring Levi." "I don't know anything about this shit." "I only came for the god damn pretzel that was promised to me." "Who the fuck is that girl he's with?" "I'd take a wild guess and say it's his new girlfriend." "So nice of him to wait like five minutes after I dump him." "Don't worry, she's just a rebound girl." "She seems dumb as fuck and a total high-maintenance bitch." "Oh, wait he dated you, so you should worry." "Guess who just got their cinnamon bun taken away." "You wouldn't." "God, I can't believe he saw me in this dress." "You're just gonna change?" "Okay, great." "Are they still out there?" "Yeah." "We are staying in here until they leave." "Oh, yeah, because that's not going to look weird or anything." "Can I use your phone to swipe left to get rid of the uglies?" "Ugh." "Eh." "Oh, god." "You wanted to speak with me?" "I heard you broke up with your boyfriend." "I know that's probably why your grades have been slipping." "That is so unbelievably creepy that you know that." "I know you're smarter than that, so I wouldn't worry about it too much." "Okay, thanks." "Just a reminder, though, you won't be graduating in spring if you fail one more assignment, because then you're going to fail this class." "Are you shitting me, Dr. Reese?" "So when you told me not to worry, you actually meant that I should worry?" "Maybe Matthew can tutor you." "We broke up." "Oh, that's right." "That's where this conversation began." "Okay, thank you for this talk." "Look, my door is always open during my designated office hours." "That's 7:00 to 8:00 A.M. every first Saturday of the month." "Cool." "Hey." "Hi." "Okay, so, you need to help me out." "My teammates over there..." "Don't look." "They bet me twenty bucks that" "I couldn't get your number." "Don't look!" "And like, not only do I really want the twenty bucks, but they're always making fun of me because I always blow it with girls and they think I need a girlfriend or just like more experience," "and now I'm completely over-sharing, so if you could like laugh really loud and pretend I've said something super funny and maybe look like you're thinking about being into me..." "They bet that you couldn't get my number?" "Yeah, well, a straight girl's." "You think I'm straight?" "So, can you give me your number?" "Or a number?" "I promise I'm not going to text you or anything." "Yeah." "Well, I actually have this number that's like this fake phone number, that you give to people when they hit on you." "And you don't wanna actually give them your number, and then they call it and it's like this voicemail that's like," ""the person you're calling gave you a fake phone number." "I hope you feel like a giant loser, loser."" "No way, that's not a thing." "I swear to god." "I use it all the time." "I say "all the time" like I get hit on all the time." "In reality I've used it like seven times." "Six times." "I've used it three times." "Wow, and I thought you were going to be all sweet and stuff with your cute little packed lunch and your adorable little backpack." "I mean you're eating peanut butter and jelly." "Girls that destroy egos do not eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." "Oh, no, no, they do." "Yeah, they eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and they drink out of juice boxes." "To be fair, though, I usually only give that number to guys because one, they're usually the only ones that hit on me and two, I'm not into them." "Oh, I thought..." "So, yeah, I will give you my number." "But, you know, only because I want you to win that bet." "Yeah, totally just to win the bet." "I'm gonna throw this number away as soon as I get my twenty bucks." "I'm not gonna stare at it or put it in my phone or like, text you later." "That's definitely not gonna happen." "Good, because I wouldn't want you to text me, and I obviously would not text you back." "Duh, and then when you don't text me back," "I don't have to ask you if you want to go get dinner or see a movie together." "Good, because I definitely..." "Definitely wouldn't say yes to any of that." "Just so we're on the same page." "We are on the same page." "Hiya, hi, how's it going?" "Hey, uh, everything's great." "Um, yeah, I just saw the e-mail you sent to the client, and I noticed you did not sign it, "kindest regards."" "So?" "Yeah, so, obviously I don't care, it's just that remember on the first day you started working here and I told you we always sign our e-mails with "kindest regards"?" "Yeah, I thought that was just a suggestion." "Oh, yeah, it is, um, it's just like one of those suggestions that you always wanna do." "So, I'm sure it's fine, it's just I think our boss is really upset with you." "Are you fucking with me?" "What?" "I don't even." "Oh, my god, it's so shitty." "What is it, Amy?" "You didn't get the e-mail?" "What e-mail?" "Oh, my god, it's so awkward, um, you just got fired." "I'm pretty sure you got cced." "I got fired?" "Yeah, total bummer." "I mean, because, like, you're just an intern and who fires an intern?" "Because you don't even get paid." "This has gotta be some kind of joke, right?" "Is this because of "kindest regards"?" "Oh, my god, no." "I mean, maybe?" "Um, but you should probably start packing up your things." "Um, oh, but not until after lunch, because you need to still go get that, okay?" " Cassie." " What, Amy?" "Isn't this your friend, MacKenzie?" "I've been reading her blog." "She's hilarious." "I just love her positive outlook on life." "Is she single?" "Cassie." "You're probably wondering why I have developed a fondness for baseball and lesbian film in the past couple of weeks." "It's because it's come to my attention, currently, that..." "Dude, what the fuck?" "What do you mean what the fuck?" "You what the fuck." "You almost broke my face." "How could you?" "I thought we were best friends." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, I don't know, MacKenzie, maybe you could have told me that you're gay?" "Yeah, you told everyone in the fucking world except for me." "Fucking Levi, I'm going to murder him." "No, it wasn't Levi, you idiot." "You put it on your blog." "You can see my blog?" "First of all, everyone in the world can see your blog." "Second of all, I work in social media, so it's my job to be on tumblr." " Oh." " Yeah, oh." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Look, I'm sorry." "I just..." "I wasn't ready to tell you." "You have pooped in front of me, MacKenzie." "I have seen you poop." "And you couldn't just tell me you were gay." "I know!" "I mean, okay, that's not really the same thing." " Did you think I was going to care?" " No." "Then I don't get why you didn't just tell me." "Okay, I've never kept anything from you." "I know." "I just..." "I wasn't ready." "But you were just ready to splash it all across the Internet." "Okay, Levi was the one that made me get a tumblr, so don't even start with that." "I don't even know how to use the thing." "Yeah, I noticed, okay?" "You're not even tagging your photos." "I don't know how you expect anyone to follow you." "Yeah, see, I have no idea what you're talking about." "That still doesn't explain why you didn't just tell me." "Do you know how much it hurt finding out online, rather than just from you?" "Look, I'm sorry, okay?" "I am sorry that I didn't tell you and you found out on the Internet." "But this, for once, is not about you." "It's about me." "I decide when I want to come out." "I decide when I tell my parents or Levi, or you." "Me, not you." "Have you told Levi or your parents?" "Yes?" "What the fuck, dude?" "You're taking this way out of proportion." "I think this shows that I care about you the most." "I was the most worried to tell you." "Does that not mean anything to you?" "No, it doesn't." "Because I should be the one you come to when something this important is happening in your life." "Not Levi." "Not your parents." "Me." "And to know that you can't even talk to me about something this important then..." "I don't even know what the point of being friends is anymore." "Oh, this is fucked up." "You're making this fucked up." "Fine." "Be silent." "Whatever, I'm over it." "I can't take this anymore." "I feel like I've lost you." "It's been 12 hours." "Well, it feels like years to me, okay?" "I wanna talk about this and you're the one being an asshole." " Oh, I'm an asshole?" " Yes, you are an asshole." "The whole reason I didn't tell you I was gay was because of this... exactly what you're doing right now." "What am I doing right now?" "You're making things between us weird and awkward." "I'm not mad because you're gay." "I'm mad because you didn't tell me." "Do you know how hard it is to come out?" " Obviously not." " Exactly." "Obviously not." "I'm not going to apologize again for not telling you sooner." "Look, things have been really rough for me, okay?" "My parents are overly supportive," "Levi's trying to whore me out, and believe it or not, it's actually been really difficult not talking to you about this all." "I guess I'm just upset with..." "The way things are going in my life." "I just needed someone to take it out on." "Well, take it out on your parents, that's obviously what they're there for." "Are we okay?" "Yeah, we're okay." "Because it doesn't feel like we're okay." " Okay, well we're going to be okay, okay?" " Okay." " Okay." " Okay." " Okay." " Okay." "I've said "okay" so much in the past minute," "I don't even know what it means anymore." "Yeah." "No." " So, straight." " Mm-hmm." " Straight." " Mm-hmm." "Unfortunately, straight." "Uh, gay." "Um, gay, gay, straight?" "No, those were all straight girls, hon." "How can you tell just by looking at them?" "Years of practice, darling." "I have my gaydar perfected." " Okay, see the girl over by the tree?" " Yeah." "Gay." "How can you tell that all the way from here?" "I can." "Okay." "Try again." "Um..." "Hey." "Hey, bitch." "Finished for the day?" " Yep." " Nice." "What are you guys up to?" "Just trying to teach our little baby dyke over here how to use her gaydar." "I think I'm getting really good at it." "No." "Well, who are we looking at?" "Can I try?" "Why?" "You're straight." "I don't know." "Maybe to save me from another 15 years of crushing on Lance bass." "Bless him." "Is it um..." "That's what I thought." "Who texted you?" "Elliot." "Been texting her for like two weeks, nonstop." "You don't know that it's Elliot." "I mean, a lot of people text me, like you or Cassie or my mother." "Did your mom text you?" "No." "Thought so." "Who's Elliot?" "Elliot, I told you about her." "I met her after class one day." "No, you never mentioned her." "Oh, well, I mean, it's no big deal." "I met a girl, her name is Elliot and that's it." "And she wants to ride her face." "Well, maybe just a little." " She plays soccer." " You hate sports." "I like girls who play sports, and that's all that matters." "You should invite her to our party on Saturday." "Yeah?" "I really want you guys to meet her." "I think you'll love her." "She's so cool." "I mean, obviously not as cool as me, but like, who is?" "Gay, straight, gay?" " Damn it." " So not even close." "I'm thinking of ordering a pizza." "What do you want on your half?" "I'm not really that hungry." "I probably won't have any." "But you're always hungry." "Hey." "Yeah." "Right now?" "Nothing." "Yeah, I'm starving, obviously." "I'll meet you there in like ten minutes." "Oh, you're coming to the party tonight, right?" "Oh, my god, MacKenzie." "Where did all these people come from?" "I don't know." "Only like ten people said they were coming." "I may have texted a few extra people." "I mean, ten people's a gathering, ladies." "This is a party." "Can we get some Beyonce in here?" "Oh, my god." " Why the fuck are they here?" " To ruin your life." "I can't believe he brought her." "Well, I mean I can, because they're dating." "But you know what I mean." "This is unbelievable." "Has she even gotten her period yet?" "She looks 12." "Give me this." "Eww, what was that?" "Peach schnapps." "Oh, my god, you are such a lesbian." "Where's your lover?" "She isn't my lover, because we haven't "lovered" yet." "She's playing beer pong." "Why don't you go talk to her?" "I don't know." "I don't want to bother her." "Oh!" "Where did you even find that?" "Yolo, bitches!" "Please don't ever say that again." "You are white." "Hey, I'm gonna let you have this one." " Let me have it?" "I won it fair and square." " Yes." "The beer pong trophy, -but need I remind you this is the only time," " you've ever beaten me." " Is ripped out of your dead hands..." "And the sex is so great." "Mind if we sit down?" "Yeah, sure." "Oh, sorry." "Promise, I didn't know what I was gonna do." "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "Okay, bye." "Uh, hey." "Hey." "Are you feeling okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Cool." "Where the fuck did you go?" "So, Tasha." " It is Tasha, right?" " Yeah." "What's your major?" "Bachelor of arts." "Oh, cool." " In what?" " College." "Love you, bye." " Hey." " Hi." "You good?" "Yes, I'm good." "We already had that conversation." "Right, yeah." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "Okay then." "What the fuck is MacKenzie doing?" "Does she have diarrhea or something?" "Eww." "Just so you know, I have no idea what I'm doing." "Honestly, neither do I." "Cool." " Hey, bitch." " Save me, bitch." "Save me." "Who the fuck are you?" "I'm Tasha." "I don't fucking care." "Where's MacKenzie?" "I don't know." "She has diarrhea or something." "Ew, ew, ew." " No, no, no." " I can save her." "Get the fuck out." "Hey, not while you have diarrhea." "I don't have diarrhea." "I don't." "This is my third beer and I'm not even feeling anything." "I'm such a tank." "I hate being a tank." "I want liquor." "Go get me liquor." "Right, sorry." "Yep, liquor." "So, who are you?" "Do you, like, go to this school?" "I'm Cassie." "Matthew's ex, Cassie." "He's never mentioned a Cassie." "We broke up like three months ago." "And he started dating you, like, a second after I dumped him." "I think I'm drunk." "Ugh, all right." "Bye, Kathy." "Bye." "Hey, hey." "Where are you going?" "I just need some fresh air." " Hey." " Oh, jeez." "What are you doing here?" "Thought I'd keep you company." "Do you want to talk?" "I'm good, thanks." "Well, you seem upset." "I'm fine." "Just go the fuck inside, okay?" "Hey, it's mack, talk some wack." "Ew, why did I just say that?" "MacKenzie, pick up." "Okay, Matthew just tried to kiss me, and he had disgusting beer breath." "And did you see that stupid, fucking gay beard he's trying to grow?" "Shit." "I'm sorry, was that offensive to you?" "I don't know." "And I just stab his stupid, fucking preschool girlfriend in the face." "And I'm pretty sure I'm getting my period, so, would you please just stop shitting and just meet me at our bench, okay?" "I need you." "She left this here last night." "It's the only thing I'll ever have of hers again." "Oh, my god, give me details." "Ugh, it was horrible." "No, it wasn't even horrible, because it was great." "And then it was horrible." "Why, what happened?" "Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm only telling you this because I'm still drunk from last night." "Yeah, I can still smell the peach schnapps on your breath, honey." "It's kind of nasty." "Okay, well, like, we were making out on my bed" " and things were going really well, you know?" " Yeah." "I was like taking off her shirt, -oh." " And like touching her boobies and stuff." " Go, girl." " And I was like, yeah, like, I'm going to do this." " Right." "I'm so gonna do this." "I'm going for it." " So then I stuck my finger in there." " Right." "And then I just left it." "You just left what?" "My finger?" "I just let it sit there like a motherfucking tampon." "Oh, come on, are you just going to stand there and not make fun of our little homo?" "I don't know, Levi, she's clearly retarded." "I didn't know what fingering was." "I thought once it was in there it was just over." "Honey, I'm a gay man, and I know that's not how you finger someone." "What was the point of watching all that lesbian porn then?" "I'm so embarrassed." "You should be." "And where the fuck did you go last night, little missy?" "Leaving your own party like a diva?" "I just had to get out." "I couldn't deal with Matthew and his hooker girlfriend anymore." "They left pretty soon after you ditched." "Probably to bang." "Thank you." "That makes me feel so much better." "I don't get it." "You broke up with him." "Do you want to get back together or something?" "I don't know, it's just like every time..." " What, it's Elliot." " Yeah." "Hey, I didn't think I was ever going to talk to you again." "Would you believe me if I told you that my finger fell asleep?" "Oh, that girl's in love." " It's adorable." " Yeah, and it's totally selfish." "Oh, don't even." "MacKenzie finally actually likes someone." "You should just be happy for her." "I am happy for her." "Just like, why does she have to be so happy?" " My life's in the shits." " Oh my god." "What?" "It's like she never has time for me or us anymore." "It's all about Elliot." "What's so great about Elliot?" "She's not even funny." "She has some great tits, though." "I have great tits." "Yeah, but MacKenzie's not allowed to put those ones..." "In her mouth." " Girls are such pigs." " I know, tell me about it." "Dr. Reese, are you going to ask me about Matthew again?" "Because I really don't want to talk about him." "No, I've all ready been lectured by the Dean." "Apparently, I crossed some boundary." "You know, I thought it was incredibly creepy that he even knew about it." "And I was just wondering what your plans were for graduation." "Any jobs lined up?" "Well, I got fired from an internship, so the job pool is looking a little shallow." "You know, I actually know someone who works at a creative agency and they are looking for a junior copywriter." "And I suggested you." " Are you serious?" " I am." "Oh my god, that's amazing." "The position starts pretty soon," " so it should be perfect for when you graduate." " Okay." " They want to meet you." " Okay." "And this is the name of the hr person, and the name and contact information of the creative director." " Give them a call if you're interested." " Okay, yeah." "Wow." "Dr. Reese, if you weren't like an older version of my gbf," "I would totally kiss you right now." "You have stickers on your ceiling." "What?" "Oh, yeah." "Those are those, you know, star stickers." "What?" "You know, the star stickers of the solar system, they glow in the dark." "That's so embarrassing." " Oh." "Oh, that's embarrassing?" " Mm-hmm." "Me having the glow-in-the-dark solar system is embarrassing, but me sticking my finger in your vagina to take a nice cozy nap, that's not embarrassing." "Whoa, who said that wasn't embarrassing?" "That's even more so embarrassing." "So, can I kiss you now?" "Yeah." "I think we're past the point where you need to ask." "Okay." "Just checking." "Let me just turn this off really, really quickly." "What's that?" "Oh, this is just my tumblr." "You have a tumblr?" "Oh, yeah, I'm really gay." "Who's that girl?" "Oh, that's shawntelle." "Shawntelle?" "Yeah, she's my friend." "Well, technically she's my tumblr girlfriend." " You have a tumblr girlfriend?" " Yeah." "Can you believe it?" "I don't even know what she looks like in real life." "I could be getting catfished for all I know." "She, like, lives in Texas or something." "What is happening right now?" "Are you leaving?" "Yes, mack, I'm leaving." "Why?" "I thought we were gonna go get ice cream." "Because you have a girlfriend." "A girl...?" "No, she's a tumblr girlfriend." "She's probably 50 years old and has two mentally challenged sons." "Sorry to keep you." "I hope you weren't waiting." "Oh, no, not at all." "Hi, Cassie." "Juliana." "Thanks." "Have a seat." "Cassie, where are you?" "Come on, pick up." "Pick up." "Pick up." "Hey, babes, I can't really talk right now." "I think I totally fucked things up." "What is... are you..." "Are you having sex right now?" "Yeah, babe, I told you I can't really talk right now." "It's a bad time." "It's totally a good time." "Why did you even answer the phone?" "I'm bottoming, so it's not like I'm really doing anything." "I did not need to know that." "Call me back when you're finished." "Oh, oh, god." "Now I'm just thinking about you finishing." "Okay, love you, babe." "Hello?" "Just kidding." "It's Cassie's voicemail." "Mack, it's Cassie." "I mean, Cassie, it's mack." "MacKenzie." "I think Elliot just dumped me because of my stupid, fucking, shitty-ass tumblr girlfriend who doesn't even fucking exist." "Like, why don't they tell you in the terms and conditions if you have a tumblr girlfriend it apparently counts as a real one." "Like, how fucking stupid is that?" "What is even the point of one of those?" "To send song lyrics and pictures back and forth to." "Can I fuck one of those song lyrics, Cassie?" "No, no, I can't." "I mean, technically I can't." "Maybe like, emotionally I can, somehow, or anyways." "Elliot found out and now she hates me." "At least I think she does, I don't know." "She stormed out of here." "I think I love her, Cassie." "I mean, obviously, I don't because it's been like a month but I really, really, like her." "You have to help me, I don't know what to do." "We need to win her back." "Oh, yeah." "I just said "we." This is now a team effort." "I'm gonna go get ice cream." "Meet me at our bench, you know?" "Like, stop what you're doing right now and come meet me." "Like, right now." "Okay, bye." "Hello?" "Just kidding, it's Cassie's voicemail." "Seriously?" "Seriously?" "Just don't." "I don't want to hear it." "What do you mean you don't want to hear it?" "I mean I don't want to hear you complain about whatever it is you're going to complain about." "I don't care." "I don't care about your problems, MacKenzie." "And I especially don't care about whatever it is you did to fuck up your relationship with Elliot." "This might come as a shock, but it is your duty as my best friend to care about these things." "You have to listen and let me vent about whatever I want to vent about." "So, if I want to complain all day about the stupid woman in the snuggle commercial who doesn't even know how to fucking read with a blanket on her, like, actually, if you're having trouble reading" "and keeping a blanket on you, then you should have your children taken away because clearly you're not fit to be a parent." "Then you will agree and you will vent with me, because that is what best friends do." "No, it's not." "That's not what best friends do, MacKenzie." "Best friends are honest with each other." "Best friends tell each other when they think the other person's being stupid and ridiculous." "Did you hear that?" "Best friends are honest." "Oh." "Oh." "Is that what we're doing right now?" "We're being honest with each other." "Okay, yeah, sure, I can be honest." "Let's be honest." "This plan of yours, this life plan, is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life." "Like, what is the point of this?" "Why do you still have this hanging on our fridge?" "Did you laminate your fucking life plan?" "At least I'm still thinking about what kind of future I want." "What are you even doing with your life besides getting catfished on the Internet?" "Oh, don't you bring shawntelle into this." "You are so self involved, you didn't even notice that I had a job interview today for my dream job at a creative agency." "Okay, so maybe it wasn't my dream job, because my dream job involves Ryan gosling feeding me grapes, but it was still a really good job." "And you didn't even know because if it doesn't have anything to do with you, you don't even care." "Really?" "Really, Cassie?" "You're calling me self-involved?" "How about this one?" "You didn't even know that I was gay." "Everyone, literally everyone could tell you, but my furious lesbianism didn't even faze you because you're so wrapped up in your head." "You had a boyfriend." "You were dating Andrew." "So, how was I supposed to know?" "Did you think that I actually liked dating Andrew?" "The only reason that I dated him was because his dick was so fucking small that it was pretty much just a vagina." "And as my best friend you should know this." "My god, you know what?" "It was a mistake." "17 years ago, when I saw that you had beach time Ken, and I had ball gown Barbie, and I thought they could just get married, and we could just play together." "I had beach time Ken, and you still didn't know that I was gay." "You know what, maybe this friendship wasn't supposed to last this long." "Fine." "I don't know if you think I'm joking, but I am being fucking serious." "I am over this friendship." "Okay." "Then I hope you enjoy your single, lonely life, Cassie." "With all of your friends on Facebook and Twitter." "Because newsflash, they don't care about you like I do." "I hope you're grabbing your shit so you can move out, because I don't want you here anymore." "Of course that's what I'm doing." "Do you think I'm spontaneously cleaning?" "I'm going, and it's not because you're kicking me out, it's because I'm choosing to go." "Great, because I can't stand to be around you." " Great." " Okay, then." " Okay, then." " Then just go." "That's exactly what I'm going to do." " Go." " Fine." "Go then." "In my hand, I hold one last rose." "You know what?" "I should be on a reality show." "Like, seriously." "The shit that happens to me, it's ridiculous." "People would love watching my life." "What are you saying tonight?" " This." " Hot." "What's your lover doing?" "It's Saturday." "I don't have a lover anymore, remember?" "I have a tumblr girlfriend that's probably a 40-year-old, bald convenience store worker." "Ew." "What are you doing tonight?" "The usual." "Can I come?" "It's a bunch of us gays, so... no." "But I'm gay now." "You're a lesbian, honey." "What's the difference?" "Oh, my god." "Oh, you're so cute sometimes." "It's endearing, don't worry." "So how did cass end up keeping the apartment in the divorce?" "I gave it to her, like I gave her my heart." "It's tragic." "Oh, I need to get ready." "Um, do you want the rest of my burrito?" "What a stupid fucking question." "Of course I want your burrito." "I know, I can always count on you." "Oh shit." "Christine, you are funny, smart, cultured, generous." "And one of the most interesting people I've ever met." "But I have to give my final rose to Brittany because she is way too hot." "Hey." "What are you up to?" "Do you want to come over?" "Hi." "Hey." "Don't yet, just wait." "Shit." "I didn't actually think you were actually going to be here." "Why?" "It's like Friday night at 11:00." "I assumed you'd be out drinking or something." "It's Saturday night." "See, I don't even know my own life." "Well, we have a tourney tomorrow, so..." "Right, for soccer." "Yes." "I sent you a bunch of texts." "I never heard back from you." "I got them." "Can I just come in?" "I really wanna talk to you." "I don't think so." "I have to get up early to leave for the tournament tomorrow, and, honestly, I just don't really want to talk to you right now." "Oh, yeah, no, that's totally understandable." "Can I just say again though that I'm really sorry?" "I'm stupid, okay?" "Like, really, really, stupid." "Like, should-be-tested stupid." "I think that's pretty evident." "I'm new to all this." "I just didn't know about the whole..." "Tumblr girlfriend thing." "No, it's ignorance." "Bye, mack." "Fuck." "Where are you going?" "Well, the game show channel is calling my name, so..." "Cool." "I'm down to watch some TV." "Oh, um..." "This is awkward." "This was just a Booty call, okay, so..." "I just wanted some Booty." "What?" "You know, I have a girlfriend." "Yeah, and it's obvious you like her very much." "So, I'm gonna go watch the feud." "But thank you for fulfilling my needs." "Well, that's tough." "Laura, on to you." "We've surveyed 100 women and asked what is the worst..." "I am only coming back because I need more underwear." "Text message." "What was that?" "What was what?" "Mack." "You guys have a fight or something?" "She's a self-involved bitch and a shitty friend." "So she's just like you." "Thought I had more underwear." "Apparently I only have three pairs." "Light days it is." "Bye, Matthew." "Yeah, bye." "What is the worst way to dump someone?" "Juliana." "It's so nice to see you again." "Hi, Cassie." "It's great to see you again, too." "I have some news that I think you'll be interested in." "Is it just me or is Elliot being completely ridiculous and over-reacting?" "Well, I don't know, I guess." "It's tumblr, like relax." "Maybe you should talk to her." "I already did try talking to her, I went to her house, but she slammed the door in my face." "She won't return my calls, my texts." "I'm running out of ideas." "What if you sent flowers?" "Girls love flowers." "I think if you like this girl, you should really try to make it work." "Okay, first, mom, flowers?" "That's lame." "Second, whose side are you on?" "Because what it sounds like to me is that you're on her side." "I'm Switzerland." "What does that have to do with anything?" "You're father's laughing hysterically right now." "He thought my joke was funny." "You guys are so weird." "You look skinny." "Are you not eating?" "No, mom, stop being a mom." "You should be bitching with me." "Say something mean about Elliot so I feel better." "Go." "When your father and I were watching "the I word"" "and Bette cheated on Tina, she sent flowers and apologized." "So I think that's what you should do." "Oh, and write a note that says "you hold all the cards."" "For the love of god, stop watching "the I word" with dad." "Just stop watching it." "I don't know, honey, maybe you should be talking to Cassie about all this." "We're still fighting." "What about Levi?" "He's too busy fucking beautiful men." "I hope he's using protection." "Well, this conversation is not helping at all." "Are all girls this crazy and dramatic?" "Probably." "Where are you and dad saying tonight?" "We're talking to you, honey." "No, saying, like what are you doing?" "Oh, I need to look up that slang word." "We are going golfing with Tracy and Steve." "Gay." "You really shouldn't say that." "No, no, I'm allowed to say it." "I am gay so it's fine, like, all black people are allowed" " to call themselves..." " I don't think so." "I'm miserable." "Oh, honey, your father's yelling at me." "We're late." "Sorry, pumpkin, we have to go." "But I just told you I was miserable." "We love you." "I hate you." "I'm coming with you." "I belong in New York." "Like, look at this face." "This is totally a New York face." "Did you know rent for a 300 square foot apartment is like $1800?" "Okay, maybe I have more of an L.A. face." "So, I haven't heard from MacKenzie in a couple days." "I assume she's losing her mind." "From what?" "You moving to New York." "Oh, please." "I didn't even tell her." "You fucking kidding me?" "She didn't tell me she was gay, so I'm not gonna tell her I'm moving." "Yeah, that's not the same thing at all, you know that right?" "Well, why don't you tell her then?" "Okay, I'm just really tired of being the gbf that just literally helps you two with your problems." "I have a life too, you know?" "Did you know I can speak three languages?" "You do not." "Okay, correction, I could if I learned them." "Put that on your resume." "I mean, what are you guys even arguing about?" "You have three minutes to tell me, because I have a date tonight." "What?" "It's 11:00." "Okay, grandma." "MacKenzie is just so self-involved." "It's like she got a girlfriend and completely forgot I existed." "This is coming from the girl who had no idea that her best friend was gay." "Okay, you know what?" "She had a boyfriend." "And, sure, her fashion sense isn't the greatest, but she is color blind and a lot of girls like hiking and outdoorsy stuff and have posters of Michelle Rodriguez on..." "Shit." "There we go." " Mm-hmm." " Yeah." "Mm-hmm." "Well, whatever." "I'm moving to New York, and I'm not telling her." "That's that." "Okay, look, you're a big girl." "You can do whatever you want." "I'm just the really sexy gay man who gives exceptional advice, so you don't have to listen to me or anything, but you're going to regret this." "Just like you'll regret this outfit you put on tonight." "MacKenzie bought me this shirt." "You two should be in each other's lives until one of you dies." "And let's be real, it's most likely going to be MacKenzie from choking on some sort of food." "She needs to learn to stop talking while she's eating, it's revolting." "What if she doesn't want me in her life anymore?" "I mean, she's gay now." "And I'm straight, so we just don't have anything in common." "You're being so dramatic." "MacKenzie's always been gay, babe." "So, guess what?" "Nothing's changed." "Don't ruin this friendship over, literally, like, nothing." "You do give really good advice." "I know." "I think I should have my own morning talk show." "Oh, my god, I would totally not watch that." "I would never bring you on, just so you know." "Fuck this fucking site." "Un-fucking-believable." "What the fuck is this fuckery?" "Oh, fuck." "How did I not know you were a lesbian?" "Where the fuck are my keys?" "Hey." "Hey." "Were you seriously going to leave without telling me?" "No, I was literally on my way, right now, to tell you." "Oh my god, we are scarily similar." "New York, huh?" "What are we gonna do?" "I guess we'll just have to have phone sex everyday until you can visit me on weekends?" "Look, I wanna give you this big, apologetic speech about what a shitty friend I was..." "You don't have to." "I think we both said things that we regret and..." "We've both kind of been shitty friends lately." "I'm sorry." "I really am." "I'm sorry, too." "In fact..." "I actually wrote a song about it." " What?" " Yeah." "I wrote this song when I heard you were going away, and I just thought, like," ""that's like the perfect way to send her off."" "So I'm just going to sing it right now, okay?" " Oh." " Okay." "Here we go, I'm going to sing it." "What?" "Oh, my god." "I'm obviously joking." "I can't even go through with this." "Okay, I was like "what the hell is going on right now?"" " Jesus Christ." "I was like, "I don't know how"" "I'm just going to pretend to enjoy this shitty song" ""that she prepared for me."" "Okay." "I actually do have something for you, though." "Oh, my god." "Is this beach time Ken?" "In the flesh." "Literally in the flesh." "I could not find his clothes anywhere." "You're gonna need something to remind you of me in New York." "And this naked, plastic man..." "Wait." "This is for you." "Is this ball gown Barbie?" "I'm going to fucking miss you, you loser." "I can't find it anywhere." "Where is it?" "Hmm?" "What are you looking for?" "The t-shirt." "The god damned t-shirt, babe." "Um, what does it look like?" "I'll help you look." "It's pink and it says "kindest regards" on it." "I don't get it." "It's an inside joke with Cassie, never mind." "You're hiding things from me now?" " You know that Cassie and I are ex-lovers, right?" " Mm-hmm." " You jealous?" " Yeah." "No, no, honey, we have to be there in like 20 minutes." "Yeah, that's not gonna stop me." "Wait, wait, what time is it?" " What?" " What time is it?" "I don't know, 2:25." "Shit, we're late." " Yeah." " Okay, go faster." "QepQep_Om"