"(men chanting) Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "All:" "Aww." "You guys!" "You shouldn't have." "This is so cute!" "(laughs)" "Oh, wait, there's something else." "All:" "Aww." "It's a "My First Helmet."" "(Russian accent) Here, open mine next!" "It's teething puck." "Builds strong teeth to be knocked out later when baby go pro." "(men laugh)" "Riley:" "Knock, knock, girls on the floor." "(men huff and grumble)" " Hi." " Hey, there's my baby mama, my pregnant gal pal, my beautiful baby lady." "Oh, you're terrible at whatever you're trying to do." "Well, I'd like to call you my wife." "Well, I'd like to eat sushi and drink booze, but if I have to wait until after the baby, so do you." "Got it." "So you two spending the day together?" "Yup, we sure are." "Part of my mommy boot camp." "I'm spending as much spare time as possible with Emma to get practice for taking care of our baby." "That's great, hon, but do you really think bringing her to a room full of half-naked men is a good idea?" "That's my first lesson." "See?" "This is why I'm practicing." "(theme music plays)" "♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪" "♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪" "Thank you, man." "Hey, Ben!" "I'm taking money from your wallet because you owe me for every pizza we've ever ordered... ever." "Well, excuse me." "What do we have here?" " Nothing." " This is Elle, isn't it?" " No!" " Dude, I cannot believe you are still carrying around a picture of a girl" " you don't even know." " So?" "You carry around all those fortune cookie fortunes in your wallet." "Sometimes I go through your wallet." "I know it's weird, man." "I just like to look at her picture" " and think, "What if?"" " Look, man." "I understand what-ifs." "Right?" "What if Ben paid his rent on time?" "What if Ben stopped drinking all my beers?" "Do you notice a central theme to my what-ifs?" "No!" "I mean, what if she's looking for me too?" "Look, I'm sorry, dude, but you're never gonna find her." "Yeah, you're probably right." "I just wish you weren't." "I really liked that apartment, except for the bathroom and the kitchen, and the bedroom was really small." "Okay, I didn't like it." "I'm really sorry." "You know, Elizabeth, I like you." "I like you too, but the only person who calls me Elizabeth is my mom." "No, problem." "How about I call you Liz?" " I wish you wouldn't." " Like I was saying, Liz," "I like you." "You know, you're just..." "you're so together." "Maybe I can set you up with my son." "Oh!" "No!" "Damn it!" "He just knocked up the love of his life, so I guess technically he's off the market." "Although, never say never until the baby comes out looking like him." "Am I right?" "Huh?" "Liz?" "Liz?" "(laughs)" "I'm fine." "I kind of have a guy." " Oh." " Well, I don't really know him yet, but I know that he's the one." "I just have to find him again." "God, you sound like my stupid son Ben." "Oh my God, I forgot." "I have a stupid son Ben." "How about I set you up with him?" "You're not really selling him that well." "Honey, when I see two people out there looking for love, who are too pathetic to find it on their own," "I just can't help but put them together." "It's settled." "I am setting you up." "Just another bonus of being my client." "Wait, what was the first bonus?" "Ohh!" "Shh." "Don't over think it, Liz." "Girl on computer:" "Thank you, Mr. Squirrel." "You've helped Princess Victoria save the day." "So does this Princess Victoria chick have an actual job?" "I mean, what does she do all day?" "Um, she saves woodland creatures with pixie glitter, and she also happens to be an excellent speller." "What do you contribute to society?" "Whoa, back off, fan boy." "I mean, I get why Emma likes the show, but what's your deal?" "Princess Victoria:" "B-U-N-N-Y, bunny." "She likes the bunny, and I like the honey." "Hi, babe, look." "Emma and I are watching her favorite show together," "Princess Victoria." "Tucker's just a creepy fan." "I seriously can't get away from that woman." "She's invading Madison Square Garden this weekend... some big ice show for charity that all the Rangers have to take part in." "Oh, as a good mother-to-be, I should take Emma." "It sounds heinous, but I'm in." "Ah, no." "No, no, no." "I..." "I will take Emma, because we have a very special bond with Princess Victoria that nobody can break." "Dude, if you like her that much," "I can probably get you in the show." "(laughs) Sorry, kid, you're on your own." "Half my teammates have already dropped out." "Trust me, put on a helmet, no one will care." "Ha ha!" "And it looks like this fairy tale is gonna end with me getting some fairy tail." "(cheers)" "So, Benji, I was thinking." " No." " (Scoffs)" "But I want to set you up with my new client." "Ooh, someone my mom likes?" "And we're back to no." " She's nice." " Which is code for ugly." " She's smart." " Which is code for super ugly." "Ben, you know I don't like you very much... but, you know, I just can't stand by and watch you throw your life away over some mystery woman that you haven't even met when my mom-tuition is telling me" "that this girl is perfect for you." "Well, I don't know about perfect, but I try." "Sam." "Oh my god, hi." "Wow, Sam, I never thought I'd see you again." "Mom, look, it's Sam." "Aww, hey, Sam." "Sorry, I don't have any more kids for you to sleep with." "I didn't want to bother you, but I found this hat in my apartment and I thought it might be yours." "Hmm, nope, not mine." "Sorry." "Oh, okay, are you sure?" "Oh good God, Ben, if you were any slower, we could cut in line at amusement parks." "This is just some lame excuse to see you." " Is that true?" " Well, it's not not true." "Well, you know what, Sam?" "You're too late because he is about to start dating this hottie." "Mom!" "Those are your boobs!" "Oh, I'm sorry, that was for Brad." "Are you really here just to see me?" "I missed you." "I keep feeling like I made a mistake, and I was kind of hoping for another chance." "Ben?" "Sorry, I'm just not used to women coming back without me doing a lot of begging." "So what about all the stuff you said about us and about Emma?" "I know, I'm sorry." "It was just too much too soon, and I kind of panicked, but it sounds like you might be seeing someone right now." "No, no, no, I'm totally single." "No, he's not." "He's dating this." "(shrieks)" "Oh, god, I'm sorry." "That's Brad." "We took pictures of every body part before he went away to prison." "This one's my favorite." "Waa." "Yeah. (giggles)" "Man, I hope I get to be the prince." "Do you think I'll get to be the prince?" "Because, you know, princesses only date princes, right?" "It's a royal decree from King Possum." "All right, calm down." "No one else wants to be the prince." "I want to be prince." "I love Princess Victoria." "Her show is how I learn English." "And if you wish for something, it will be so." "Plus, she is total smoke show." "Okay, boys, let's finish up this casting." "My mood elevators are on their way down." "Hi, hi." "I was a theater major, and I am all about the integrity of the show." "Right, I was hoping I could be the prince." "And I was hoping to have a conversation like this with Dustin Hoffman, so we're both disappointed." "You can be the little spoon." "(laughing)" "Little spoon..." "Okay, now me." " I be prince, yes?" " You be prince, no." " You be tree." " (Tucker laughs)" "You, tall, dark and vacant-behind the eyes," " let's go with..." " Please don't say it." "...the prince, and I think we're done." "Come on, Danny, you have to trade with me." " You don't even want to do this." " But I'm your teammate, and you already have happy ever after." "I want happy with girl even hotter than yours." "Hey, did you just call my girlfriend ugly?" "No, no, not ugly." "Maybe a little bit round." "She's pregnant!" "Here." "I'm the prince!" "I'm the prince!" "I love you, Danny." "Um, um, thank you, bro." "Um, uh, yeah, we cool." "I'm gonna see you." "You will regret this day." "Now, with any luck, this production of Princess Victoria and the Little Spoon won't suck as hard as the last one." "Now, where's the Little Spoon, the star of our show?" "Wow, so much for taking things slow." "Hey, we made it out of the elevator, didn't we?" "I just hope our clothes are still in there." "This place is for rent?" "Does the person living here know that?" "Yeah, it's my son's place." "Oh, wow, we're doing this now?" "I would have worn a different top." "Well, lucky for you, my son's a guy, and they don't care what you wear, as long as you got what they need underneath." "All right, okay, you sit here." "I'm gonna go check his room." " Mom!" " Ben!" " Mrs. Wheeler!" " Sam!" "Mom!" "You know what, just saying each other's names out loud does not make this any more comfortable." " Mom, get out!" " Oh, please." "There's nothing I haven't seen before." "And that's my cue to leave." "No, you can't go." "Ben's future wife is out there." "I thought you said you were single!" "I'm trying not to be right now." "Ooh, perfect, get your pants on." "With Sam." "I'm trying not to be single with Sam." "This would be incredibly sweet right now if I wasn't naked in front of you mom!" " You." " Yes, it's me." " And you're you." " Hey, you, person I've never seen before." " Who are you exactly?" " Sorry." "I'm just here with my realtor." "At least I think she's a realtor." "She's stolen something from every open house we've been to." "Bonnie Wheeler?" "Yeah." "I'll go get her for you." "Here, will you watch my niece for me?" " Hey." " Thank you." "Don't screw up." "I'm practicing to be a good mom." "Hey, Mrs. Wheel..." "whoa, whoa, whoa." "Sam?" "Seriously, Ben?" "I know, right?" "It's like there's no one else in the world to sleep with, except there is and she's sitting out there on that couch." "Oh, is that girl here for Ben?" " She seems really sweet." " I know, right?" "See, I knew she was ugly." "Now, I'm definitely not going out there." "Uh, you were going to otherwise?" "No, no." "Where's Emma?" "She's in the living room with your mom's client." "In other words, you left my daughter with a complete stranger?" "No, I would never do that." "I got to go check on something really quick." "(sighs)" " Is this a new duvet?" " Get out!" "You know what?" "He's not here." " Let's go." " But I heard yelling." "Wow, aren't you a nosy little thing, huh?" "Let's go, let's go, let's go." "Let's go, let's go." "Have you read this?" "The princess ends up with the spoon." "What kind of fairy tale from hell does the handsome prince get passed up for cheap cutlery?" "Dude, I got to get that spoon costume back from you." "Oh, yeah, about that," "I kind of already switched with someone." "Thanks to teammate who does not get context clues even in very obvious show title," "I skate into sunrise with Princess Victoria." "I'm not sure what that meant, but I do not think he was thanking me." "No, he was not." "He was mocking you." "Not quite sure what that means either, but he is so going down." "So when I said I'd get a drink with your son sometime," "I didn't mean 9:00 A.M." "Hey, it's noon somewhere." " You mean five o'clock?" " No, why?" "Oh, hey, you know what?" "Why don't you sit here, and I'll make sure that he's decent?" "And maybe fluff your hair up a little?" "You know, some effort wouldn't kill you." " Seriously?" " What is the matter with you?" "Stop mom-blocking me." "Well, I am sorry, but you have a paying customer outside who's very thirsty." "Any chance this paying customer is really just you?" "Grab a bottle and get out!" "Benjamin, can I speak to you for a moment in private?" "Okay, look, I got Liz outside, and she is perfect for you." "She loves kids, she loves me, and she didn't sleep with your brother." "I can still hear you." "Well, I told you." "I'm seeing Sam." "This is what I'm doing now." "Fine, but do you have anyone lined up for this afternoon?" "Because I could bring her back then." "Again, can still hear you." "Mom, I'm busy all day here, and then I'm going to Danny's stupid ice show with Emma and Riley tonight." "Come here." "Look, everyone's been telling me I'm wasting my time chasing Elle and I should get off of her and on someone else." "Well, I'm on someone else." "I want to make a go at this with Sam." "I think she's really changed." "Look, honey, you don't need somebody who's changing for you." "You need somebody who starts out right for you." "And, look, I don't know what it is about Liz, but I am telling you there is something very special about her." "Oh, and by the way, women don't change." "We just spend all of our lives trying to change you... and then we die." "You know, I really enjoyed spending time with you and Emma yesterday." "Any chance I could tag along with you guys to the ice show?" "We'd love to have you." "I mean, I have to ask Emma first, but she pretty much does whatever I tell her." "It's awesome." "I'm shocked." "He wasn't here too." "But good news, I found you an apartment and this one has an ice rink in it." "Riley." "I'm pregnant!" "I deserve two!" "She screams that at least once a day." "You'll get used to it." "All right, coming through." "You want ass or crotch?" "Too late." "Ass it is." "Oh, crap!" "Crap!" "Um, you know what?" "Wrong row, Liz." "Let's just go." "Move it, move it, move it." "Princess Victoria and the Little Spoon." "Oh, this is gonna be so much fun." "Hey, if Daddy closes his eyes, he's just listening to the music, okay?" "(director claps)" "Okay, I need my cutlery out on the ice right now." "Let's go, let's go, let's go." "See you on the ice, losers." "If you need me," "I'll be in Princess Victoria's room." "Be sure to knock first, because we will be having the sex." "You know what?" "That's it." "That's it." "I am done playing second fiddle to a spoon." "Okay, what kind of crazy world are we living in where the prince isn't the star?" "And who's ever heard of a show where the utensils get more ice time than the people?" " Beauty and the Beast." "The Nutcracker." " Okay." "Shut up, man!" "I am making a point." "Gentlemen, ice dancers, warriors, tonight we skate for children and fun... but do you know what else we skate for?" "Justice!" "Has no one looked around at the insanity that we are facing?" "I mean, come on!" "Here we are chipmunks, townspeople, royalty, even trees... all living things... and who does the princess run off with?" "An inanimate utensil that is only useful for breakfast cereal." " And soup." " And soup!" "That is right, Danny, and soup." "My people, as your prince, I ask you, do we let a flimsy piece of metal" " conquer human beings?" " Men:" "No!" "No way!" "Are we gonna be forked over by a spoon?" "No!" "I say enough is enough!" "Death to spoon-Princess love!" " To the ice!" " All:" "Yeah!" "(men cheer)" "What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "Why did you text me 9-1-1?" "You stopped for food?" "Well, I'm pregnant." "I deserve two." "Okay, listen, look, I need your help." "You need to get rid of Sam so I can set Ben up with my client Liz." "Seriously, you're still on that?" "Ben and Sam seem happy together." "I don't want to ruin a good thing." "Plus, I really like her now." "Hey, remember when Sam slept with Danny in high school?" "I'm in." "What do you need me to do?" "Oh, this is it, Emma." "Oh, look, there's Princess Victoria." "She's heading to the castle." "Oh, and there's the little spoon and all the other magic utensils." "You're witnessing the hardest part of parenting," " faking enthusiasm." " (Mouths)" "Oh, oh, and there's the woodland creatures, and the people, and the prince who looks a lot like Tucker." "Tucker:" "I'm coming for you, Victoria!" "What is happening?" "It's her." "Oh my god, is it?" "Yeah, it is." "It really is her." "Looks like she's sitting on the other side." "I should go." "Should I go?" "I got to go!" "Excuse me?" "What are you doing?" "This is gonna sound completely insane, but I've been trying to find that girl for months." "Okay, you found her, now sit down." "No, no, no, I just need like two seconds to go meet her." "Well, ten minutes tops." "So you want to leave me to meet some other girl?" "She isn't just a girl... a girl I saw three times in one day." "It's like crazy fate." "Well, you're about to see me no times in no days if you don't just sit down." "No, I can't." "I'm sorry." "Sam, I got to go." "This might be a bad time, but can you watch Emma for just two sec... okay." "Elle, it's me!" "Did Ben leave you here with Emma?" "Here, let me take her." "Did you do that on purpose?" "Yes, and I feel really bad about it already." "My hormones are all over the place today." "I knew it was a bad idea the second I walked into that bar." ""Oh, Sam, why don't you bring a hat into the bar and see if Ben's still interested in you?"" "Idiot!" "(punching)" "Whoa, why can't the TV show be more like this?" "This I like." "Oh my gosh, I totally dated that chipmunk." "(breathless) Liz!" "Liz!" "Oh my god, perfect." "Much better seats just opened up." "Hey, Bonnie, a little bad news." "You're fired as both my realtor and my matchmaker." "Oh, I feel so much better." "I've been wanting to say that for two days." "What?" "What..." "no!" "No, not now!" "Slut!" "God, I don't know why I thought that would work." "Huh, I saw her." "I saw Elle." "Who cares about Elle?" "Unless you think she needs an apartment, because I am available." "I care and you would too if you cared about me." "Stop trying to set me up with some random girl." "Yeah, but Liz isn't random." "She is perfect for you." "Okay, fine." "If you're so sure, then I'll meet her." "Yeah, well, you know, it's too late now." "She got tired of waiting around for you, and she's moved on." "So congratulations, Benji, you got dumped before you ever met her." "Pfft!" "This is on you, buddy." "Emma, I wasn't a very good role model tonight." "Never throw food on anyone, even if you do have hormones coursing through your body and residual jealously left over from a very emotional and acne-filled time of your life." "Whoa, and you are up way too late, which means I failed again." " I'm gonna be a terrible mother." " I love you, Riley." "(cries) I'm gonna be the greatest mom that ever lived." "Oh, hey, Tuck." "I'm sorry you didn't get to meet the princess." "Oh, I met her." "Yeah, let's just say the story has a happy ending." "And if that wasn't clear, we did it." "I think we need to find a different show for you start watching."