"Look at me, right?" "And look at the Queen." "I was never a fan until it occurred to me how much me and Ma'am have in common." "Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of." "I know she's not a single parent but she might as well be." "Plus the pair of us, we've stuck to our guns, her literally sometimes, and flagshipped a dying breed." "Admired and despised equally." "Not for never lifting a finger, no." "For setting examples through extremity." "And whether you're a bigwig on her end or a bigwig on mine, you've still got all your dickheads in the middle to deal with, snip-snip-snipping at your benefits." "I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking," ""What's your secret, Frank?"" "I got shot of my kids yonks back." "Whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one." "Fine!" "I've had to get out of bed on occasion to make ends meet whereas she, she's done the whole thing from a chair." "And a drink for the lady." "Oh, sure, there's perks." "But, look at her lot." "Brian May prancing about on her roof." "Now look at my lot." "We know how to throw a proper fucking paaaarty!" "It's not easy having talent." "I don't mean some dolly bird dancing away on the telly with a bleedin' Border collie." "I mean real, proper talent." "Talent alone's not enough." "It's what you do with it that counts." "Take Mikey Wilson." "For a while he was Chatsworth's next big thing." "Oldham, City, even old whiskey-nose at United was said to be impressed." "But less impressed by the arrest for drink-driving and the gram of coke in the glove box." "Goodbye, Theatre of Dreams." "Or then there's Gillian Cassidy, the estate's own Meryl Streep." "You might remember her from Corrie." "She played 'Girl That Dave Smiles At In The Rovers' back in 2009." "Sadly, Hollywood didn't come a-knocking." "Still gets to put those acting talents to good use though." "And then there's me." "Tony Wilson said I had something," "God bless him." "Everyone said it was going to happen." "Everybody was wrong." "It's not too late though." "But that clock's a-ticking." "Just need somebody to notice me, because if nobody does, if nobody cares, what's the point?" "What?" "I can't hear ya!" "It's this bloody noise." "Shit." "A fucking jazz club?" "Can we at least pretend we're sophisticated?" "You didn't mind in the Jockey." "This isn't the Jockey." "I thought that was just a line for the fellas." "I didn't realise we were actually going to a fucking jazz club." "Aw, she's just not wanting to show herself up in front of her man." "He's married." "I'm married." "He's just helping us with our singing." "Well, Bernard's not really..." "What?" "..around much." "Is that him?" "Ooh, arse like a peach!" "No." "He's that one... there." "Oh." "Nice one." "Yeah." "Whoooooo!" "Get in there!" "Can we at least try and pretend to be sophisticated?" "Hey!" "Same again?" "Y'all right?" "Best behaviour, all of you." "I'm warning you." "Louis, these are my friends." "This is Louis..." "You were very good." "Yeah." "Up there, blowin' on your big trombone." "Trumpet." "I didn't know you were coming." "If I had, I'd have hauled you up on stage for a song." "I wouldn't want to embarrass myself." "She's very shy and retiring." "Yeah, we have these karaoke nights and we practically have to force her to do a number." "Well, with a bit of luck, the days of karaoke might be over." "We're still batting things back and forth but I've spoken to my producer friend in Baton Rouge." "I think we're on for a visit." "No way?" "!" "So, our Patreesha is gonna be a star then?" "Being honest, a big singer with hit albums and sold-out tours, maybe not." "But a real singer with a real career." "I think with a bit of luck and effort, yeah, that could happen." "I will drink to that." "To Pat!" "To Pat!" "Eh, someone's in trouble!" "So, what's happening now?" "Right." "I'm going to look into a few hotels, draw up a schedule, and obviously we're gonna have to talk about the financial side of things." "I meant now now." "Pat." "Sorry." "No, it's my fault." "Look, it's obvious that I'm very, very fond you, but..." "I know - you're married." "My wife spends most of the time away." "I mean, we're further apart than strangers." "It's barely a marriage at all." "No, no, no, this is about you, Pat." "It's your big chance, kid, and I don't want to screw things up by mixing business with..." "Still, as the expression goes" ""What happens in Baton Rouge..."" "We've got enough mouths to feed without involving the feline world." "But Princess has got no home." "Dad, please!" "Lesson in life, kiddo." "Never rely on the kindness of strangers." "Plus, Princess has got a penis, so technically if he's going to be a royal, he's a prince, or a duke at least." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "Oh, yeah?" "I need them for school." "All the lads are doing it." "Right, you get tatters deep in some woman then you bring her panties in and everyone has a sniff of 'em." "Why didn't you just nick one of your mam's?" "You are sick!" "And don't tell me mam either." "Fuck you playing at?" "I'm just returning your property." "It's a funny story actually." "Put my pants down!" "Next month?" "Tickets are all booked." "Never been to America." "Louis goes all the time." "God, it's really happening, isn't it?" "Just don't forget us little people when you're swanning round in your private jet." "Not gonna be like that." "That's my 18th sorted." "Stev said I can have it at his." "Stev?" "Do you think his parents are fine with him throwing some big party?" "Nah, doesn't live with his parents." "He squats." "Let's take this through to the bedroom." "Do you know what would be even better?" "Big party at the Jockey." "Nah, I'd rather have a car." "Impress all your friends." "18-years-old, already a regular in a pub, everybody knows your name." "Dead impressive, that." "We could have champagne." "A free bar!" "Just leave it with us, love." "Within budget." "Shit, that's Louis." "I've not finished putting my face on." "Just about the career then?" "Shut it." "# Another bride" "# Another tune" "# Another sunny" "# Honeymoon" "# Another season" "# Another reason" "# For making whoopee" "# A lot of shoes" "# A lot of rice" "# The groom is nervous" "# He answers twice" "# It's really killing" "# That he's so willing" "# To make" "# Whoopee. #" "How have you remained a secret all this time, Pat?" "That was a little bit off in the chorus." "Never be afraid to aim for notes that are out of your range." "They are words to live by." "Do you think I could, erm..." "Just that way." "I was totally flat, wasn't I?" "You're going places, our kid." "You're barred." "What?" "Oh, that?" "Minor misunderstanding." "You stole me mam's knickers off the line." "That's pretty major in my book and you've not apologised yet." "Yes, well, of course, in the shadowy world of underwear thieves, your mother's unmentionables have long been considered the Holy Grail." "B-A-R-R-E-D." "Barred!" "# All of me" "# Why not take all of me?" "#" "Come on, come on, Pat, come on!" "Louis!" "Jesus." "Shit!" "Call an ambulance!" "Fuck!" "My phone!" "Where's yours?" "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" "OK, um, Louis?" "What is it?" "Pills?" "You've got pills in there?" "Louis!" "No, no." "Come on, love." "Stay out of the light!" "Pat." "Come on!" "Pat!" "Bloody hell." "It's gotta be dodgy." "Nobody carries this much cash around with them." "He's dead." "Look, I know you cared about him." "A lot." "Just died, right here in my living room." "Pat, what are we going to do about the money?" "Why not take his shoes while you're at it?" "Might get a couple of quid for them down at the market." "I'm thinking about you." "Baton Rouge." "America." "Producer." "All that takes money." "Hello?" "Paramedics." "Can you open the door, please?" "Stand back, please." "Is he breathing?" "Airway's clear, but he's non responsive." "No output." "I've just been banned from the Jockey." "And you want to know why?" "They're saying that I nicked Mimi Maguire's underwear for the purposes of... of 'personal gratification'." "I'm not going to judge you, Frank." "Because it wasn't me!" "Tell her." "Tell her." "Tell her that you stole the witch's underwear so you could take it to school and sniff it!" "I don't know what he's talking about." "Jesus, that's low, Frank, even for you." "Me?" "I'm the innocent party!" "Hello?" "It's only me, just your friendly neighbourhood... person." "I'm just here to discuss the misunderstanding." "Hello?" "Oh, fucking hell." "So." "Also a funny story..." "You fucking pervert!" "The lock's been forced." "Wait, is that what your look meant?" "Because my look was all, "Let's get out of here, right now."" "We'll be in and out in five minutes." "You sure he's got a wife..?" "Of course he's got a wife." "Why would he have lied about that?" "I don't know." "Just seems a bit... bachelor-esque." "Magic." "Let's break in and critique the decor." "Fine." "Just see if he's got any contact lists, laptop, rolodex, whatever." "Proper little Miss Marple, aren't you?" "That's the problem with nosing about." "You look hard and long enough, you're bound to turn up something you wish you hadn't." "So says Mr Darren bloody Smith." "Louis works much better as a stage name." "Travel to America all the time, did you?" "Doesn't look great, does it?" "No." "You were special to me, you know." "What is it exactly that you don't trust, Pat?" "My intentions, or your own talent?" "Any luck?" "Yeah." "Great." "Got all the details." "Baton Rouge here you come." "That's my wash on." "I'll put it out later." "You all right, Mum?" "Wonderful, love." "Hello?" "Avril?" "No." "This is her phone." "I'm her sister." "Ah." "Just to let you know that I've spoken to the owners and we're all set, so if you can just drop the cash deposit off at the office, we'll get the paperwork signed and the flat's all hers." "Fantastic." "Thanks." "Bye now." "I can't believe she'd do this to me." "Pound signs spinning in her eyes the moment she saw that money." "A chance to get away from you." "Mary Mae only visits when she wants to." "And as for Bernard..." "Well, we all know about your husband." "But your sister..." "That's a knife in the back." "A wound that runs deep." "Everybody thinks I'm a fucking mug." "I didn't." "I don't know that any more." "I don't know anything." "You deserve that money." "You deserve it for all them bastards that have used you, cast you aside." "You deserve all of it." "Every last penny." "This is your time." "Oh, ta, kid." "Good to know you're on my side." "Two quid." "What?" "Oh!" "Oh, OK, there you go." "Keep the change." "Buy yourself something nice." "Two quid." "You sent away Princess." "Everyone is right." "You're a bad man." "Everyone?" "Everyone!" "We're talking a small, narrow-minded minority here..." "Ah, fuck." "I came home, they'd got in somehow." "They must have been looking for the money." "Look at this mess." "Jesus." "Yeah." "Luckily I had the money on me." "I don't feel safe any more." "We need to get out of here." "It's only for a few days." "It won't be that bad." "Have you ever lived with my mum?" "She's mental." "She's all right." "And I did it for you." "Thought you'd be happy." "Oh, yeah." "Stuck in a pokey little flat with two of them." "Yeah, best news ever." "Who do you think it is that's after the cash?" "Dunno." "Loan sharks." "Moss Side drug dealers." "Whoever it is, they obviously want their money back." "Maybe we should never have taken the cash in the first place." "It's a bit late for that now." "You never did tell me what you intend to do with your share." "Haven't really thought about it." "25 grand, though." "That'd be enough to, I dunno, put down a deposit on a new place." "Like I said, haven't really thought that far ahead." "When were you going to tell me?" "I mean, am I really that much of burden that you'd keep pushing and shoving me off to America, same time you're plotting a way to move out without even a word..." "Maybe if you weren't such a fucking victim all the time, I wouldn't have to." "Course." "It's all my fault." "No, no, actually." "It's everybody else's." "It's Bernard's fault you were too blind to the fact that he's as bent as a Curly Wurly." "It'll be Louis' fault that your career will never amount to anything, and it'll be my fault that you're all on your own with no-one to complain to." "Right." "This one is definitely my fault then." "Where are you going?" "Pat!" "This is all you fucking care about." "Mum!" "What you doing?" "Don't!" "Fuck!" "Like I said..." "Won't be that bad." "So you stole the money?" "No." "We were just holding on to it until..." "Yeah." "We stole it." "Maybe she was trying to protect you." "Burn the evidence." "No, she's doing what she always does." "Making sure the whole fucking world revolves around her." "She burnt £50,000!" "Where's the bag?" "She binned it." "Fuck's sake!" "'You deserve that money." "You deserve all of it.'" "She's fucking set me up." "I told you she were mental." "The break-in." "The danger..." "It's all distractions so she can take every penny for herself." "Don't you get it?" "I can honestly say I've no idea what's going on." "Wait." "Does this mean you'll be staying with us or you're moving out?" "Give me one day, Ches, and you won't see me for dust." "Nice car." "Yeah." "It's my cousin's." "Looks like I'm having the party at the Jockey." "Sweet." "Just..." "Just text us the details, yeah?" "Don't need to - you're right here." "What the hell?" "You arsehole." "It's not what it looks like!" "It's only a blow job." "She's my cousin." "It's not like it counts!" "You can shut it an' all." "It's Gallagher, isn't it?" "Frank Gallagher?" "I'm Maurice O'Neill." "I live in the courts, flat 19." "Congratulations." "Aye, very good." "No, it's just I heard about your..." "little incident." "Oh, yeah?" "What are you, then?" "Some have-a-go-hero" " Pride of Britain, want to make a name for yourself, do you?" "Go on - try it." "Dare you." "Quite the opposite." "I think it's disgusting how this place has treated you." "The black beating heart of our Big Society, that is." "Thou shalt judge thy fellow man, dob him in, hound him out." "Divided we shall stand." "Lessons ripped straight from the playbooks of the Gestapo and the Stasi..." "Couldn't agree more." "It's a fallen world." "Do you like a drink, Mr Gallagher?" "Maybe I should write a book - Touched By A Filthy Bugger." "Frank didn't actually touch you." "He pinched me fuckin' knickers." "Exposed himself to me." "Right, yeah, he's a twat but I've never had him down for one of them perverts." "He hasn't the energy to wave his fucking dick about." "Probably a misunderstanding." "Flyers." "I should hand out more flyers." "Warn people." "Oh!" "Hello, old friend." "It's been a while." "Busy?" "Nope." "Good." "I need your help." "I want you to kidnap my daughter." "I just want to say something - this is a bad idea." "Fake kidnappings always backfire." "Let me worry about that." "All right." "I'm just saying." "Your sister finds out about this and your relationship is fucked for ever." "Even worse, some nutjob finds out about this or the cash... and you've got proper trouble." "You know what the estate's like - nobody can keep a fucking secret." "I'm not asking this as a favour." "I'll pay you." "200 quid - and you can keep your opinions to yourself." "How much is she going for?" "50 grand." "Fuck off!" "She's not worth that much." "She's worth... much more." "I just need her to hang out here for a day, out of view." "And for you to pick up the money when it comes through." "See, you're making this sound really nice and easy, aren't you?" "What you're really talking about here is serious fraud." "And Shane doesn't get out of bed for less than 500." "Done." "A thousand." "What's my cut?" " You get your party." " No." "Fine, I'll buy you a bloody car." "And you, 700 - final offer." "I like to think of us all as snowflakes." "Each is special and unique - mysterious in our ways." "Exactly." "But that's not what they want, is it?" "Society full of obedient little robots, punching the time clocks, saluting the CCTV as they pass." "The main thing is, we accept all colours under the rainbow." "As I've often said, it's our differences that unite us." "But you'll be able to share that with the others soon." "Right." "The other... whats?" "Of our little brotherhood." "Men of... certain tastes." "Oh, I'm not really a brotherhood sort of person." "More of a lone wolf." "Because society has made you that." "Oh, it took me some time to be strong and finally admit that, hey, I am sexually aroused by anthropomorphic animal characters." "Eh?" "It think it was Soo from The Sooty Show that first caused a quiver - do you remember her?" "Dirty wee panda in that teeny-weeny red skirt." "Have you ever wondered what a panda would look like with breast implants, Mr Gallagher?" "I'll just take these for the road, shall I?" "Don't be scared, Mr Gallagher." "You're amongst friends now." "You're no fucking friend of mine!" "Where are you going to run?" "There's nowhere left for you to go." "Hey!" "We're all you've got!" "You were right." "I should never have taken that money." "My own daughter, Pat." "My own fucking daughter!" "What we going to do?" "You pay the ransom." "With what?" "I've got fuck all!" "I think we should call the police." "Avs..." "I didn't..." "I didn't burn the money." "I've still got it." "All of it." "No, you did." "I saw you." "No." "I switched it before we even got here." "I just got so... screwed up about you leaving." "I'm sorry." "So... ..we can..." "We can pay the ransom." "It's my problem." "I brought Louis, that money, into our lives..." "Come here." "What ya doing?" "Nothing." "Doesn't look like nothing." "Playing hide and seek." "And you're it." "Go on." "Go and hide." "All right." "But no peeking'." "I told you, piss off." "I'm just so, so sorry." "Yeah, I know." "No, I mean for trying to stop you having your own life." "I've failed at everything - career, love..." "I just didn't want to admit" "I'd failed at being a sister as well, you know?" "Is that them?" "No." "Over there." "Fuckin' hell." "Fucking hell!" "Money." "If you've done anything to her..." "Mum!" "I was so scared!" "I thought I'd never see you again." "Enough with the dramatics." "Tone it down." "I want you to know something." "I will find out who you are." "And I will hurt you for what you've done to my family." "All right?" "Mimi wants me to make sure everyone's got one of these." "Billy..." "No, I know she's gone a bit psycho over the whole thing, but... she's the wife - her who must be obeyed." "Here y'are, Shane." "I love that bally, mate." "I'm not Shane." "What?" "You are." "Remember you wore that last Christmas, at the big snowball fight - the one where you kept going on about getting frostbite." "I mean, come on, seriously - it wasn't even cold and this guy's like Scott of the friggin' Antarctic." "What the fuck?" "Her idea." "You tried to rip me off?" "You tried to rip me off first!" "Catfight in three, two, one..." "Come on!" "Fucker!" "What the fuck?" "It's all right." "He's my neighbour, so it doesn't count." "Twat." "I'm going to be polite." "Going to be nice." "Going to plaster on a fake fucking smile for your daughter's birthday party." "But after that, we split the cash and go our separate ways." "End of." "Fine by me." "You're Patreesha, aren't you?" "You knew Louis." "He died at your house." "What makes you say that?" "One of us has a mate in the hospitals." "Gave us the details." "About poor Darren Smith." "Are you family?" "No." "Far from it." "We're trying to get the money back." "The money he stole from all of us." "We don't know anything about that... your money." "Louis comes over all caring." "Pretends to be married so you feel safe." "Says you're unique, has a producer friend in Baton Rouge, just needs some cash for the plane ticket and he buggers off." "He's been pulling the scam all over Manchester..." "Ladies..." "I'm sorry you were conned, but..." "We don't know anything about your cash." "What's in the bag?" "I think you've made a mistake." "And as you can see, this is a private party." "You don't want to be asked to leave twice." "Seriously." "He didn't ask you for cash, did he?" "Course he fucking didn't." "Maybe we should..." "Return the money?" "I earned this." "This is mine." "They're probably full of bullshit anyway." "Surprised you didn't get on with them better." "What do you want to say to Frank?" "Tam." "Sorry, Mr Gallagher." "Well, all right, no harm done." "So if you can get your arse out there and tell the rest of them..." "No, Frank." "I'm a pariah." "I've been barred from the pub!" "Harangued by strangers and neighbours alike." "Groomed by weirdos who like pandas with breasts!" "People will get over it." "People will feed on it!" "They'll keep it going and going until I'm driven off the estate." "I'm not throwing my son to the wolves." "Maybe if you spoke to Mimi..." "Tried that." "Didn't work!" "Maybe you didn't say the right thing." "I'm the aggrieved party." "Why the fuck should I help you and klepto boy over here?" "I'm the best bloody neighbour you'll ever have." "It's your word against me and Tam." "Who do you think everyone's going to believe?" "Really." "Just tell her you did it for love." "I'll show you what I found in his locker." "And if you're anything like the others... you'll probably want this as well." "No need to read on, love." "It's only going to hurt you." "Very well, then." ""Patreesha St Rose." ""Middle aged, lonely," ""clearly looking for somebody to believe in her." ""Given the right attention, will most likely be..." ""a push-over."" "Are you sure you want to hear this?" "Avril was right." "You've got victim written all over you." "You're so self-centred that anyone who spends any time with you just wants to hurt you or get the fuck away from you, as fast as they can." "Worst thing is... ..you miss me." "Because you're grateful, pathetically grateful, for the crumbs I threw you." "Fuck off!" "I stole your underwear because... ..I am sexually attracted to you." "Twat him." "For what?" "For what he's just said." "It was a compliment." "I know I don't mean the same to you." "You don't remember the first time we met." "You don't arrange your day so that you bump into me accidentally." "You don't mourn all the little choices that we've made that have led us down separate paths." "But..." "I do." "I, Vernon Francis Gallagher, am so in love with you that I had no choice but to steal your underwear and expose myself to you." "I feel sorry for you, Frank." "You're so messed up in there." "But... ..I'll accept yer apology." "It's very gracious of you." "This good lady's paying for my tab." "Go on, then." "You poor bastard." "We've always been mates, but now I'm thinking... ain't that the best way to start off a relationship?" "A mate with tits." "Perfect." "Yeah." "You want to slow down there, mate." "What?" "She's all over me, man." "I'm hot shit." "Eh." "Rule of thumb." "Teenage girls love bad boys." "Fuckin' great, innit?" "Don't worry, she'll get sick of it and you'll be there to pick up the pieces." "Just give it... five, six years at least." "Pat." "You can fuck off as well." "Hey!" "What you doing?" "Cheeky cow." "My name is Patreesha and I'm a failure." "My husband Bernard likes to fuck other men." "My daughter doesn't ever bother coming round any more." "Don't blame her." "And my sister just wants to get the hell away from me." "Again, no blame." "But the man I loved, Louis, he saw something in me that I didn't know existed until today." "He saw... a sucker!" "Someone so desperate that he could rip me off without breaking sweat." "Well..." "I ripped him off for 50 fucking grand!" "So who's the sucker now, you cunt?" "!" "Bloody hell..." "Yeah, that's right...50 grand!" "And it's all for me." "I deserve it!" "So rot in hell, you conniving bastard!" "Get your hands off me!" "For fuck's sake." "D'you want to highlight the fact we've got 50 grand in a place like this?" "!" "Come on!" "It's just one big note, is it?" "Jesus, Pat!" "You never told me you gave him money." "Like you fucking care." "Of course I care." "Can fuck off with the rest of 'em!" "Nah, not having some wing-nuts put the shits up me." "Go on." "Piss off and take it." "S'what you want." "I'm not leaving you." "Right, what do you two twats want?" "Dunno. 50 grand'd do it." "Come on then, take it." "I fucking dare you!" "You got a problem with them, you got a problem with us." "Who are you?" "Fucking Neighbourhood Watch?" "Where can we take you?" "Just home..." "Fuck that." "There's a party." "Uh, look..." "We might know where the money is and... ..we'll probably be able to get it back to you." "Definitely be able to get it back to you." "Fair's fair." "Are we going to the bloody party or what?" "!" "Yeah!" "Ooh-hoo!" "'The world's full of frustrated artists, 'yelling out for someone to notice 'em." "'Hoping for that one moment where someone recognises their talent." "'Sees something special in them that nobody's seen before." "'You can wait so long that you don't even notice the good things 'that are right there in front of you." "'Folk that maybe can't make you a star, 'but they've got your back, 'they've seen great things in you all along." "'Believed in you from the start." "'So I'll keep on going, till my last bloody breath." "'In the meantime, I'm available." "'For weddings, parties, bar mitzvahs..." "You name it." "'Just don't forget to pack your earplugs.'" " Marry me." " Put her out of her misery." "It's finding the right moment, innit?" "I'd be crying off sick every week if I had to do PE in that dump." "'That could be my legacy.'" "I could re-build the gym." "It'll take longer than building the Great Wall of China at this rate..." " Robbing anything like that, you're going down." " 'Still got some trackers?" "'" "Jamie and Shane aren't going to be happy." "Where's the gear?" "I've got it." "'Two customers taxed in a week...'" "It's got to be someone close to home." "What the fuck?" "!" "Whatever it takes to be with you." "I'm out of turps." "Hurry up, then." "I'll be back tomorrow." "I've got homework." " Looks better though, dunnit?" " How?" "How is that better?" "!" "Come here, you." "We're not finished!" "Get back here on your hands and knees!"