"# You must remember this" "#A kiss is still a kiss" "#A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "#As time goes by #" " Good morning" " Morning, John" "I don't see" " Well, you did say you'd look after them" " Did I?" "Oh, yes Would you mind?" " We don't want them catching cold" " Of course not" "Come in, come in" " Oh, dear" " Where to?" "Well Well, in here, I suppose" "Where shall we put them?" "On the floor?" "No, have a bit of respect Let's put them on the sofa" " John, are you positive I said I'd look after them?" " That's what they said down at the charity shop" " "Good old Jean" That's what they said" " Yes, I bet they did" " It won't be for long, will it?" " Just till the refurbishing's finished" "You know how strapped for space we are at the best of times" "Had I had a glass of wine when I made this promise?" " Three" " Oh" "Serves me right, then" "Look on the bright side, they don't eat much, do they?" " Ta-ra!" " Bye" "You can laugh" "I don't have to wear the top hat, do I?" "I look particularly silly in a top hat" "I find that hard to believe, Li, but just carry it if you want to" "They're not collapsible, are they?" "I have this fear of squashing it flat and then not being able to get it back into shape" " I wouldn't want to let Judy down" " You won't" "All you have to do is walk her up the aisle" " Yeah, without tripping up" " Hopefully, yes" "Slow and calm, that's the key" "Then the vicar says, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"" "Or, "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?"" "Depending on how formal he feels" "I take Judy's hand in mine" " Slow and calm" " Slow and calm" "We turn to face each other We" "We look into each other's eyes and" " Alistair!" " All right, stand back Give him some air" "He's alive" " I can see that" " Li!" "Yeah, I'm here, Alistair" "No!" "Don't move him till the paramedics get here" " Anybody sent for the paramedics?" " He doesn't need paramedics He just fainted" "I'm fine, really, I'm fine" "Well, on your head be it But you'll look silly if it's viral" " Viral?" " Well, it could be" " You're not a doctor" " No, I'm a bus driver" "Well, you like to do your bit, don't you?" "Well, it's kind of you to try and help, but I'm quite sure he's okay now" "I am, really, I am" "Well, I'm not happy about it, but if you say so" "Cancel the paramedics Cancel the paramedics!" " Are you sure you're all right, Alistair?" " Honestly, Li, they" "They only last for a few seconds" "Of course, we can always "They"?" "You mean this has happened before?" "Only a couple of times" " Well, you should see somebody" " I have Top man 200 guineas just to say hello" " What did he say?" " I hate to admit this" " Panic attacks" " Panic attacks?" "Yeah, don't tell Judy, will you?" "I'd hate her to think that I was panicking about the wedding" "Of course What are you panicking about?" "The wedding" "Now if you go like that, you'll just stand like that" "That's about it Not bad" " Oh, hello" " Sorry, I didn't realise you had company" "I'm looking after them for the charity shop" " To chat to?" " No, of course not!" "Trying to work out how many people we can get in here for the reception" "You know, floor area" " You did that for our wedding I helped" " You did not, you messed about" "You and Judy and Sandy" "You kept moving about all the time, so I estimated wrongly" "Got too many people That won't do for Judy and Alistair" "It's got to be perfect" "Well, if everybody is coming naked, that should get things going" "You know, for a grown man, you can be very silly sometimes" " Whereas you as a grown woman" " It's perfectly normal Just looks odd, that's all" " Could you draw a circle round us, please?" " Right" "Excuse me" " You had to say that, didn't you?" " Absolutely" "Should I ask what happens next?" "Well, yes, I cut out the circle, and then I cut a lot more circles the same size and I lay them out all over the floor and see how many guests we can fit in" " Oh, I see" " Now, could you help me lift them, please?" " Lift what?" " Them, them" " Don't say, "Excuse me"" " No" "How did you get here, car or train?" "I fancy a custard tart Anyone?" "Girls, you like custard tarts?" "You gnaw on a joke until there's no meat left on the bone, don't you?" "I don't often get a chance like this I really do fancy a custard tart now" "Now just a minute Just a minute Show me your suit" "Oh All right" " Suit" " Oh, very nice" "Oh, you'll look very elegant in that And the hat" " Yes, I've got the hat" " Yes, well, show me how it looks on" " Is this something I should be privy to?" " No, I'm just measuring and they're helping" " Oh, I see" " Lionel was about to try his topper on" "No, he isn't No, it's bad luck to try it on before the wedding Everybody knows that" "I didn't" "He's just being a misery I bet Alistair tried his on" "Oh, yes, he couldn't wait And I have to admit, he looked rather jaunty" "Yes, well, he would, wouldn't he?" "How is he, by the way?" "I mean, "the big M" as he calls it" " How's he bearing up?" " Alistair?" "Oh, very well Very calm, very composed I'll have that custard tart now" "Mum, can I?" " Hasn't anyone ever seen one of these before?" " Not around the house, no" " I didn't like to ask" " Honestly, all this fuss" "We're decorating the charity shop and we don't have room to store them" "Now stop chattering I've got a million things to do" "Yes, well, before you do, I need to talk to you" " Oh, right" " I'll see you later then" " She went rather quickly" " Did she?" "I need to talk to you about the wedding" " Nothing wrong, is there?" " No" "Would you mind if we had it at Rocky's?" " Rocky's?" " Yes" "I really fancy a country wedding, that's all" "And then we could have the reception at the house afterwards" " That would be perfect, wouldn't it?" " Yes" "Of course, we'll have to ask him first" " Yes" " You don't mind, do you, Mum?" "Mind?" "Why should I mind?" "It's your wedding, isn't it?" "Yes, but you hadn't actually started planning anything for here, had you?" "No, no, no, no" "What is all this?" "Oh, this?" "That's just something Lionel's been doing" "Ballroom dancing?" "Yes You know, you have pieces of paper and put them on the floor in the pattern of the dance steps" "They're shaped like feet, not big circles" "Well, it was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment" " Do you think she believed you?" " Not really, no" " lf you'd just told the truth in the first place" " I didn't want to disappoint her" " Well, you're disappointed" " A little" "Well, never mind I'm sure it'll go with a bang at Rocky's" "Provided he says yes" "Can you honestly see the ageing king of the swingers turning down a bash?" "No" "And look at the plus side You don't have to get involved in anything" "No" "All you have to do is turn up in your new hat" "New hat?" "What new hat?" "Well, you're bound to want a new hat for the wedding, aren't you?" " Rock on, I think it's a great idea" " Oh, you're an old sweetie, Rocky" "We'll make this the biggest rave-up since Keith Moon was in his heyday" " A rave-up?" " Rave-up?" "Just a figure of speech Now what about fireworks?" " Why don't you sit down, Alistair?" " Top class Lots of rockets" " Fireworks?" " Fireworks?" "We want this wedding to be remembered We want this wedding" " Why don't you sit down?" " Yes" "Thank you, Li" "Why should you thank Lionel like that just for suggesting you sit down?" "Oh, just natural manners It comes with the package" "Going out of fashion, you know, good manners" "Where's that barmy old bat?" "Mrs Bale!" "Look, I'm sorry to be a wet blanket, but the wedding may have to be in London after all" " Oh, why?" " Well, you don't live here" " Alistair doesn't live here The church might" " No probs" "I've squared it with the local vicar" " How do you square it with a vicar?" " Hey, hey!" "The Irish Channel is gusting to force 5" "And I resent being called a barmy old bat" " Were you listening at the keyhole?" " Certainly not" "I assume you wanted something Or were you just exercising your vocal cords?" "I wanted to tell you out of the goodness of my heart that we shall be five for lunch" "I know And it will be ready in six and a half minutes" "Oh, Mrs Bale" " About the catering for the reception" " Yes?" "If you should need any professional help" "Yeah Like, I know this outfit called Nuptial Nymphs" "They're an all-girl catering crew" "I may require some assistance in the serving of the food, albeit from an all-girl crew, but the preparation of the food is mine and mine alone!" "With your permission, of course" " Taken as read, Mrs Bale" " Good I'll send in Lol" "Look, what I'd do" " is probably nothing" " Oh, don't worry" "If that woman had been in North Africa, she would have fed the whole of the Eighth Army single-handed" "Good morning, everyone" " Hello, Lol" " Come in, Lol" "I won't stop, I just want to offer my condolences" "Condolences?" "Oh, dear, I've got the wrong word, haven't I?" " Felicitations That's what I meant" " Thank you" " Mother will be knitting you a pair of gloves" " Will she?" "Oh, bound to She always knits gloves for the bride" " It's a custom of hers" " Oh How very kind of her" "Of course, the whole village is agog with excitement" "They reckon this will be the biggest thing since the coronation" "Well, I wouldn't put it on a par with the coronation" "Well, they do And they won't be told otherwise" "Why should they?" "This is going to be big with a capital huge!" "Now, what else do we need?" "Music!" "We need music" "What about the Manic Street Preachers?" " The who?" " No, they've disbanded" " No, not a rock group" " No!" "I was always partial to the Dagenham Girl Pipers" "Strong brawny girls, they were" " Alistair" " Yeah Right, right, right" "I see where you are coming from on this one We're into mellow music land" "What about the London Symphony Orchestra?" " But would they all fit in the church?" " Are there more than six of them?" "An extension!" "Yes!" "Oh, no, bad idea" "Oh, no, there just isn't time Think, Deacon!" "Think!" " Will you sit down?" " Yes, yes, sorry" "Now, what we really need is a few bottles of something and a proper planning meeting" "Lunch will be served in three minutes" " Right Thank you" " Thank you, Mrs Bale" "It's a shame Madge won't be here for the wedding" "Yes Mind you, she'd have insisted on playing the drums" " Where did Rocky say this dig was, again?" " Egypt" " Shibin El something" " Why didn't he go?" "Well, he didn't see any point in old fossils digging up old fossils" " I suppose that's what we're becoming" " Nonsense" "Shall we go for a really long walk?" "Or not" "Why did you keep telling Alistair to sit down?" "Well, he makes me feel dizzy when he flits about all the time It's like strobe lighting" " He's all right?" " Yes" " Hello, love" " Hello Can I join you?" "Of course" "Alistair's turning this into a three-ring circus, isn't he?" "Now, don't worry Lionel's going to have a word with him" "Oh, would you, Lionel?" " Well" " You see, when he proposed," "I really did think he'd finally got his feet back on the ground" "Well, one foot, anyway" " Now" " And Rocky's no help" "They're a combustible mixture those two, like salt and petre" "Judy, wouldn't this be better coming from you?" "It's just that I've expended so much time and energy trying to get Alistair to behave roughly like a human being that now we've got this far, I don't want to come across as a shrew" " In any case, Lionel has natural authority" " When?" " All sorts of times" " Oh, thanks, Lionel" "Thanks, Colin, I owe you one What?" "A heliport?" "Well, no, we don't, but anything's possible Let me run it through the old brainbox" "Yeah, ciao, Colin, bye" "Li, what would you say to a marching band?" "Shut up and stop marching, probably" "Oh?" "Look, here, Alistair, this has to be said" "You're going completely over the top with all this" " Me?" " Yes" "I know it's well-intended, but have you actually stopped to ask yourself," ""Is this really what Judy wants?"" " Yeah, but I'm doing it for Judy" " But is it what she really wants?" "You mean, she doesn't?" "You do mean she doesn't" "A quiet country wedding, that's what she wants" " Not even the string section of the LSO?" " Not even the triangle player" "Well, then that's what she gets" "All I want is for her to want for nothing that she really wants" " I get a bit carried away, don't I?" " Just by a mile or two" "Thanks, mate" "Could be a plus side to this, you know Your panic attacks" " What about them?" " Well, you get them" "You get them when you think of the wedding, don't you?" " Yeah, I mean, me" " And the more excited you get, the more likely they become" " Yeah, I mean, me" " So, the simpler the whole thing is," " the less anxious you become" " Me" " I mean, me" " Look, will you stop saying that?" " Sorry, sorry" " So, a little country church, local flowers, no LSO and a congregation of less than 5,000" "What could be less stressful than that?" "You're right I feel calm just talking about it" "Tranquil, that's the word Beautiful" "You walk Judy up the aisle" "I turn and there she is, looking like a dream" "I take her hand in mine and" "Oh, God!" "Well, I think they'll be back soon, but I'm not sure" " You should have phoned" " You've heard of phone tapping?" " Of course I've heard of it" " There you are, then" " Stephen?" " Yes?" " What are you doing?" " Just sitting here" " With your arms?" " Oh, that?" "Reliving those halcyon days at university" " Arms round a couple of pretty girls" " I always suspected a darker side to your nature" "Were there many pretty girls at university, Stephen?" "Oh, tons Not as pretty as you, my dear" "Stephen!" " I daresay you were a bit of a rascal at university" " I had my moments" "Mind you, in those days, if you got as far as putting your hand on a girl's" "Stephen!" "Look, do those things have to be in the room with us?" "Well, they're either in here or in the kitchen, so" " I'll carry them through for you if you like" " Just leave them alone" " And what about you?" " I don't want to be carried into the kitchen" "If you ever did" "I meant marriage" " Any distant peals?" " Not really, no" "No, what about that traffic warden you were seeing?" " Larry?" " Harry, and he's a policeman" " Well, what about him?" " He's going to Canada" " What on earth for?" " His job" "He's going on attachment to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police" " Hmm But you're not going with him?" " No" " Did he ask?" " No" "Poor little Sandy" " Not that I'd go with him if he did" " No, no, no, of course not" "Nelson Eddy and Jeanette McDonald" " What about them?" " They were in a film about the Mounties" "Desert Song." "No, that can't be right" "Look, can't you stick to the subject for more than 10 seconds?" " Rose-Marie." " One of your floozies from university, I suppose" "The name of the film about the Mounties" "Well, if you want my opinion, this Harry, he wants his brains tested" " Thank you, Stephen" " Poor little Sandy" "Now, look, Penny" "They're back" " Oh, what a lovely surprise" " Why, what's happened?" " Well, you turning up, I mean" " Oh Right" " Hello, Lionel" " Hello, Stephen Hello, Penny" "Poor Jean, I only wish we had happier tidings" " Oh?" " Well, you see," "Stephen and I might not be able to come to the wedding" "Oh, that is sad" "I had to tell you personally" "It's our social calendar, you see It has to be very flexible at the moment" " Well, one never knows, does one?" " Doesn't one?" "I certainly don't" " The fact is, I've been put up for an OBE" " Oh, you fool" " It's supposed to be kept a secret" " Well, we are family" " Yes, but the fact remains that if this leaks out" " Oh, just a minute, just a minute" " Stephen, did you say the OBE?" " Yes" " Why?" " Services to dentistry, apparently" "All thoseteeth" " Well, that's wonderful" " Yes, congratulations, Stephen" "You clever old dentist" " Why all the secrecy, anyway?" " Because Downing Street Forget I said that" "Because a certain source insisted on the strictest confidence" " Well, we shan't say a word Girl Guide's honour" " Scout's honour" " Brownie's honour" " Oh, that'll have to do then" " I was in the Boys' Brigade" " Oh" " Really?" "Were you in the band?" " Yeah Well, sort of" "I never could get a note out of my bugle, so I used to trail along at the back and mime" "You've done it again" " We've lost the thrust of the conversation" " Well, what thrust?" "The reason why Stephen and I may not be able to come to the wedding" " Oh, his prize-giving is the same day?" " No, the week before" " Oh, you've lost me" " Well, isn't it obvious?" "Following the investiture, as we call it, how can we be sure that certain invitations to certain functions might not be forthcoming?" "Old Pen's got it firmly in her head that we're going to become regulars at Buck House" "Will you need a tiara?" "It's typical male foolishness" "Now, could we now possibly sit down to tea comfortably and get those horrid things out of the way?" " Oh, sorry, yes, of course Lionel, do you mind?" " Yes, of course" " Give us a hand, Stephen" " All right" "I haven't swept a girl off her feet in years" "That's something else about men Is there one of them that isn't a latent pervert?" " Pity Stephen and Penny couldn't stay for supper" " Yes, I was very let down about that as well" " I wanted to ask you about Alistair" " Oh?" "Well, when we were at Rocky's, you seemed very solicitous about him" " There's nothing wrong, is there?" " Well, perhaps just a touch of pre-wedding jitters" "Alistair?" "Well, it's taken him so long to make the commitment, it must be a bit awe-inspiring" "Yes, I suppose so" " We don't want him passing out at the altar" " No" " Mum, could I talk to you?" " Yes, of course" " I think I fancy a Scotch" " Could you sit down a minute?" "Oh, right" " It's about the wedding" " What about the wedding?" " What about the wedding?" " No, everything's fine" " Yes" " Except" " Yes, I knew there'd be an except" " Except, I still want it to be in the country, but will you help me organise it?" " Me?" " Yeah" "I mean, I know that Lionel has talked Alistair out of his wilder flights of fancy, but there's still Rocky I really don't want it turned into some sort of jamboree" "No, of course not Well, yes, I'll help, but I haven't really thought very much about it" " You two look very gooey" " Yes, well, you better get used to it" " You ready?" " Yep" "Why isn't Alistair going with you?" "Oh, he's got an appointment with some consultant in Harley Street" "Consultant?" "I said there was something wrong and you denied it" "No, there's nothing to worry about He said it's just something wrong with his toe" "Ah Well, there you are, then" " Come on" " See you later" "Yeah, Sandy, before you go Were there any phone calls while we were out?" " Harry, you mean?" " No, not specifically" "No No phone calls" " Bye" " Bye" " "Not specifically"" " Look, if this is gonna be a lecture about minding my own business and not wanting everything to turn out right for everybody, you can forget it" "I don't mind my own business and I do want everything to turn out right for everybody" "And that's honest, which is more than you were about Alistair" " What do you mean?" " Well, you did know something was wrong" "You knew about his toe all the time" " You know it's rude to write at the table?" " Look, I'm just making a guest list" " You will be consulting Judy and Alistair?" " A provisional list" "Who's that one?" "Well, if you must know, it's Harry" " Now, there's a coincidence" " What is?" "Well, Sandy will be at the wedding, too" "Your sarcasm has all the subtlety of a sledgehammer" " Would you mind getting that?" " Yes" "Why people assume that other people never sit down to a meal, I'll never know" "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" "A meal or something?" "No, who eats at this time, anyway?" "I just wanted to bring you up to speed on things" "You see, you're not just a future pop-in-law to me, you're" " You're more like a real pop" " Thank you" "So, what did your man in Harley Street say?" " They were panic attacks, all right" " We knew that" "Anyway, he gave me a jab and some follow-up pills to calm me down" " Good" " But there might be side effects" "Ah, they always say that to cover themselves" "I had some sea-sickness pills once and one of the side effects on the list was nausea" " But I am getting side effects" " It isn't fainting, is it?" "No, it's more of an emotional thing, it's weird" "I mean, I heard this busker guy playing a tune, I didn't even know the tune, but it was sad and before I knew where I was, Li, I was blubbing" " Coincidence" " Is it?" " Well, tell me Tell me!" " Well, I don't know" "Perhaps it was a tune you remembered from childhood" "A tune that you'd consciously forgotten but subconsciously remembered" " Have you ever considered counselling?" " Only having it" "Because that's brilliant That's what it must have been" " Yes" " Yes" " No" " No?" "No" " Because then, I saw a puppy" " Oh, dear" "It was just a little puppy walking along on its little lead" "But then, it looked up at me and" "Life's never a straightforward thing, is it?" "Hey, just a minute" " People cry at weddings anyway" " But not usually the bridegroom" "No Oh" "Perhaps I should come off the stuff" " And settle for the fainting" " It's a close call, isn't it?" " Oh, Alistair" " Oh" "Sorry, I was finishing supper" " And you lied to me just to make me feel better" " No, I'd practically finished, anyway" "Just to make me feel better" "Alistair, it's not bad news about your toe, is it?" "Toe?" "Yes, you were going to see somebody about your toe" "Oh, that!" " No, no, that's fine No probs there at all" " Oh, good" " What was wrong then?" " Oh, it was just a toe thing" " The sort of thing that can happen to a toe" " Quite common, apparently" " Very common" " Well, don't blind me with science," "I was just concerned, that's all" "You people really care, don't you?" "You really care!" " No!" " Lionel!" "Well, I mean, we do But it's just a toe thing" "I mean, it doesn't rate highly on the caring side of things, does it?" "No You're quite right, Li, it doesn't" " I've just been making a guest list for you" " For me?" " Yes, all right, Alistair" " My special lady" " You're making a guest list" " It's only a provisional one" " Yes, but you're making it" " Yes, but" "I mean, do I deserve it?" "Do I deserve to be so happy?" "# You must remember this" "#A kiss is still a kiss" "#A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "#As time goes by" "#And when two lovers woo" "# They still say, "I love you"" "# On that you can rely" "# The world will always welcome lovers" "#As time goes by #"