"Princess!" "Muffin." "I brought you a branch." "Great." "Thought I'd rustIe up some lunch." "How about a salad nicoise with some lovely French bread?" "Mmm." "How's the book?" "Oh, it's great, it's really, you know, engrossing." "Mmmm..." "Hey, can we read it together?" "Hang on." "RAB:" "AII right, go on, Jackie." "Go on, Jackie!" "Go on, Jackie!" " goal!" " Yes!" "Jackie McCann!" "Jackie McCann!" "Whoa-oa!" "Jackie!" "Jackie!" "Jackie!" "Dick." "Oye." "(Speaks Spanish)" "Aye, it is warm." "Aye, much colder in glasgow." "vale." "Vamos, eh?" "Venga!" "Venga, adentro!" " iAIejandro!" " ?" "Cmo estas?" "Otra goIa?" " Bueno, si, para trabajar, eh?" " Venga." "Estaba pensando que te parece si nos utiIizamos este otro campo para manana?" " Y por las tardes, podemos hacer al reves." " Cmo Ia tarde?" "(whistle)" "Right, boys, another ten minutes, then we'II play a wee game." "Ready to go?" "Boss, Scottie wiIInae pass to me." "Janice." "Thanks for coming in." "David, thank you." "Thank you so much for agreeing to see me." " I know you're busy..." " Armed break-in on SauchiehaII Street." " Where?" " Savoy Centre." " Do you want to hold the first edition?" " Aye, and get Brian down there." " Have you sent a snapper?" " Sean's down there now." " Good." " Cheers, boss." "Sorry, Janice." "And what was it you wanted to talk about?" "David, now that wee Jackie's at school fuII-time, I'm embarking on a career in the media." "Oh, aye?" "I feel my future is in teIe-journaIism." "But one has to start somewhere." "Aye." "David, I'm a writer." "I know all about writing." "I know lots of writers." "I read lots of writers." "I want to write." "Hire me, David." "Janice, you couldn't work on a paper." "It's...it's rough work." "I'm a worker, David." "And...my spelling is impeccable." "Janice, you can't start on a paper with no experience." "You have to work your way up." "I know that, David." "I'm ready for a challenge because I am a chaIIenge-taker." " How's Jackie?" " He's in Spain." "Pre-season training." "Nowt to do while the big man's away, eh?" "Aye." " Pasta, pasta, pasta." " Pasta is good for you." "Can I tell you that white flour and water makes glue?" "And it's in your stomach and it makes a big piece of glue." " Mmm." " You're happy." "Why are you happy?" "What is it you were going to tell me?" "Dirka, I am missing my reflexology" " and it takes two weeks to reschedule." " I'm pregnant." "What?" "I'm three months pregnant." "We're going to have a baby." "What happened?" "Did you miss your pill?" "I didn't take the pills." "I wanted to be pregnant." "But... why?" "Thanks for reading it." "Thank you." "What did you think?" "Great office." "Thanks." "I mean, it was first go and all." "I've never written anything before." "Yes." "So, what did you think?" "I think..." "I think it's not very good." "Oh." "It's bad." "It's really quite bad." "OK." "Books are very important to me, Kenny." "Books with original ideas are the only ones worth reading." "Yours isn't." "What else can I say?" "Say what you think, pal." "But... ..I think there's a market for it." "What do you mean?" "people who read a Iot, Kenny, are, by and large, very stupid people." "I mean, have you seen what's on the bestseller lists in this country?" "Aye." "God, I can't bear it." "The crap that people read, it's unbelievable." "well, people think all sorts of things about the same book." " You take a book group, for example..." " No, don't." "Stop, please." "It's too depressing." "Book groups." "So fucking middIe-brow." "Yuck." "I don't get you there." "What did you call me in for?" "AII right, all right." "Yes, we're going to publish your book." "Yes, you can have an advance." "Hooray, hurrah." "This company is going to be responsible for yet another affront to contemporary literature." "Right, so..." "So, congratulations and we'II be in touch about publicity." "Whassat?" "Very good." "well, read us a bit, then." "Fuck it, man!" "I've had enough of this." " Fuck off, boy." " Fucking headcase!" "Sit there for five minutes." "(applause) MAN:" "Bravo, muy bien." " Muy bien." " Gracias." "BeIting." " That was great, muffin." " I thought the vinaigrette was a little strong." " Mmm?" " It was great." "Give us a cuddle." "Mmm!" " This is so great." " Mmm." "Give us a kiss." "You're really lovely." "(Gasps)" "Hey, I think I have an erection." " Great." " Yeah." "Yeah, it's definitely there." "Do you feel any engorgement?" "shall we have intercourse?" "You know what?" "I think I'm gonna read for a little while." " Mmm?" " Mm." "OK." "I might have a wank." "Ah, that is so sweet!" "Oh!" "Look." "Isn't that adorable?" "No, it's not." "It's just small." "Why can't you be happy for me?" "You worked so hard to lose those two kilos, remember?" "You will never lose it, Dirka." "You will be fat for the rest of your life, and your child will be more young and thin and beautiful every day." " Didn't your mother learn you anything?" " I fucked up again." "Yes, you did." " So it'II be out in the shops in a few weeks." " That's great." "I'II buy it." "Aye, well, you know." "The birds'II love this." "You with a book in the shops." " Do you think?" " Aye!" "Who's that by the way?" "Ach, there she is!" "No, no, no." "AII right, Bobby?" "Hi." "Kenny, this is carol Ann." " AII right?" " Hi." "Are there a Iot of folk in wheelchairs here or what, eh?" " What do you do, carol Ann?" " I work for a trade union." " Do you now?" " Dead boring." " Is it?" " Aye." " Seen you racing." " Have you?" "Aye." "You're all right." "Thanks very much." "You'II never win anything, but you're all right." "I've got a...book coming out soon." " Yeah!" "..me muera" "Se que tendras que llorar" "So, I Iook after Jackie's admin mainly." "handle press enquiries, sort his mail, that kind of thing." "Oh, aye, keeps me busy." "But I get to name my hours, more or less." "I keep track of the game... 1-0 versus St Mirren." "celtic three, Aberdeen one." "I've eaten already." " No chiqui chiqui?" " I had the fish." "vale." "I've had better." "Where to, boss?" "Forward, Sancho, for love and honour." "Right." "If you say so, boss." "(Sighs) Oh, it's bloody hot." "And the game finished the draw." "You are kidding, man?" "You're kidding?" " Oh, man." " unbelievable." "Two minutes, pal." "JACKIE:" "That was your strongest team out there for a Iong, long time." " So, how are you getting on there, Rab?" " Oh, all right." "I'm bored." "well, I think it's great that you're learning some Spanish, Rab." "Saw you talking to AnseImo there." "Aye." "It's not as hard as the boys think, you know, speaking Spanish." "well, some of the words are dead familiar." "You see?" "You've just gotta listen." " Tam, what's bahIay?" " vale?" "vale means, "OK, then." "Oh, right." It's a good word to know." "BahIay." "BahIay, bahIay." "That's it." " Chiqui chiqui." " Chiqui chiqui?" "Aye." "Is that chicken?" "Or is that two chickens?" "Rab, chiqui chiqui means sex." "really?" "Aye." "Este amor" "Apasionado... (Man continues singing outside)" "(Jackie snores)" "Se querer" "well, hello there!" "We spoke on the telephone." "I'm Janice McCann, the chronicle's farming reporter." "I just thought I'd find out how things are here... on the farm." " Are you from London?" " No." "No." "I'm a fellow Scot." "I'm from glasgow." "Oh, aye, glasgow?" "The chronicle would Iike to provide a platform for the concerns of the farming community." "We want to know what farmers are feeling." "What gets you going?" "What are the issues, Farmer... ..McDonaId?" "Buenos dias." "Me llamo Rab." "Rab?" "Como Roberto?" "Aye." "Si." "Si." "Aye." "Si, bueno." "Yo me llamo AnseImo." "AnseImo." "Aye." "(Laughs)" "Good morning." "Oh, that's nice." " You're nice!" " Mmm-hmm." "Can we...can we have intercourse?" " Mmm, sure." " Hee, hee!" "Hey, shall we try that thing where I lubricate your perineum?" "We could just, you know..." " ..do it." " It's meant to be really good for your orgasm." " Where's the massage oil?" " Hmm?" "You know what, muffin?" "Let's just..." "OK." "Now, just put that there." "What?" "Isn't this a waste of food?" "Oh, you're beautiful." "OK." "Oh!" "I'm in." " Yeah?" " OK." "Can you tighten your pelvic floor muscle?" "Oh, wow." "Yeah, great." "Now..." "Baby, can you tighten and release it in rhythm with my stroke?" "Oh, yeah." "Ooooh!" "Argh!" " It's in my eye." " Yeah." "I'm sorry." "Onwards, Sancho." "Aye, where else?" "Aye." "Any chance of a siesta, boss?" "Oh, aye?" "well, you just try and stop this one, pal." "brilliant save." "You're all right by the way, pal, even with your gammy leg." "You'd never make it in the Scottish Premier." "Because you're too wee, they're all giants out there." "Cheeky cheeky?" "Mm-hm." "Chiqui chiqui." "Naca-naca." "Pumba pumba." "Taca taca." "BahIay." "(Coughs)" " Morning." " Oh, Christ." "I'm off." "already?" "Aye." "There's, um..." " There's juice in the fridge and..." " Aye, I found it." "It was nice." "Thanks." "You were a really good lumber." "Was I?" "Date Ia vueIta?" "BahIay!" "BahIay!" "Oh, brilliant." "Oh, look, I've gotta go." "Jackie'II be back in a minute." "Oh, aye, I'II see you at breakfast." "CornfIakos." "Coffeeo." "Sausagos." "You're really keen, aren't you?" "well, what do you know?" "It's my hot tamale." " Where have you been?" " Where have you been?" "I was here." "And where the fuck were you?" "I'm training all day." "You've got fuck all to do." "You're working for me." "Where were you?" "tell it to the hand, Jackie." "You're pissed again." "You and the hand can fuck off, go and talk Spanish." "I've got a wee bit of company." "Chiquita!" " Hi!" " Hi." "WOMAN:" "How are you?" " Very good." " Who is he?" " Er, he is..." "leaving." " He's your friend?" "He's your friend?" " Fuck off." "No, he's like a cleaner." "I Iike you a Iot." " Do you?" " Yes." "shall we take our clothes off?" "This used to be worth a Iot of money." "But not so many people buy wool now." "50 of these wouldn't get you 50 quid." "That's outrageous!" "This is an authentic natural Scottish product." "Oh, Hamish." "I want to tell... your story." "WOMAN:" "Oh!" "Oh, me gusta!" "(Groans of pleasure)" "JACKIE:" "Hey, do you Iike that?" "(Laughs)" "(slapping)" " hello?" " (Orgasmic cries)" " Oh, Janice." "You're looking for Jackie?" "No, he's not here the now, Janice." "Oh, he's training." "Aye, they do training all the time here." "Training in the dark, you know." "You want me to get him to call you?" "Oh, aye, I'm sure he'II be back eventually." "I mean, where would he go?" "hello, darling." "hello?" "well, what do you expect?" "What are you shagging her for, eh?" " What are you doing in there with her?" " You're a wee poofter." "You know, I'm not your bit of carne, Jackie." "You're gonna have to decide - is it her or me?" "Or Janice or what?" "Nothing but a little poofter." "Argh!" "Is that sore?" " ?" "Que pasa?" " Oh, you shut it, you wee sIapper." "?" "Pero, que pasa con usted?" "?" "Que te pasa?" "Necesito fumar, necesito fumar." " ?" "Tienes un cigarillo?" " Come on, chica, in you go." "well done, baby." " More tea?" " No, thanks." "So...book talk." "You all right, claire?" "Yeah, God, is it hot in here or what?" "Oh, people usually think this house is too cold." "Maybe you're coming down with something, claire." "FIST:" "hello!" "Announcement." "Dirka is pregnant." " (Gasps of delight)" " Oh, how wonderful!" "CLAIRE:" "Wow!" " brilliant." " Oh, Dirka." "A little lamb all your own." " You look great, Dirka." " Do I?" "hello?" "Why is everyone so happy for her?" "Maybe this is not such a great thing." "Can anyone take one moment and think about what this means for Dirka?" " I Iove wee Iambies." " So do I." "It's not a dog, Dirka." "It cries and it shits all the time." "Whoa, Fist, do you have a problem with this?" "Yes." "It means... ..I won't have Dirka any more." "Oh, boy." "..real Madrid." "barcelona." "(Sobs) And you won't be there when I call you and I won't have anyone to talk to." "Why not?" "You can talk to me." "Lars is so boring." "Who wants to talk to Lars?" "It's the baby, stupid." "Have you ever tried talking to a woman who has a baby?" "You say, "You know, my biggest most intimate secret is..."" "and they say, "Junior, put that down."" "And I'm like, "Fuck, where did my friend go?"" "I promise I won't talk to the baby when you're around." "You cannot promise me that." "I don't want you to be sad." "Who is going to take care of me?" "Lars made me!" "He made me!" "(HowIing sobs)" "It just made me realise that, you know, books are really bad for you." "LachIan." " What are you on about, claire?" " Is that a wool jumper you're wearing or is it man-made fibre?" "well, it's what drove him crazy." "No, I'm pretty sure it's wool." "I mean, Don Quixote is crazy, right?" "He's deluded." "And it says right at the beginning, it's because he's read too many books about knights on horses." "claire, I believe the horse was the most popular mode of transport in the olden days." " Yes, but..." " What is wrong with someone liking books?" "Just because folk like a book doesn't mean it's rubbish." "No." "No, Don Quixote believed what he read." "He believed things that aren't true." "claire, darling, you're sweating." "How is that possible?" "God, these lights are bright." "It's boiling in here." "I need to take a walk." "Um, shall I come with you?" "No, thanks." "(Door slams)" "Does anyone mind if... next book group, I bring my girlfriend?" "No." "No." "Este amor" "Apasionado" "Anda todo al borotado..." "Aye, at nine o'cIock." "Ach, it's only a fracture." "EI medico says it'II be off in a month and then..." "Nos dejamos hace tiempo" "Era el iguaI momento" "De perder" "Tu tenias mucha razn" "vale." "Y me muero" "Por voIver" "Y voIver..." "Somewhere" "It's written in a book that I've read" "Sometimes" "It's written just the way that you said" "The book that I read"