"Win a trip for 12 to anywhere in the free world, or win a working oil well and have money flowing in for years." "That's the grand prize in Dial Soap's big contest." "Write a two line jingle starting, "I'm glad I use Dial..."" "The last word in both lines must rhyme." "For example: "I'm glad I use Dial..."" "How hard is it to put it across the plate?" "You idiot." "There once was a time, believe it or not, when skill and a reasonable amount of luck could actually feed a family of 12." "Come on!" "Strike 'em out, you dog-faced bastard!" "Play ball!" "Contesting, if you haven't heard of it, was a lucrative way for overworked housewives to use their underused wits." "It wasn't that I was any more gifted than your average contester," "I was simply more determined." "I was so prolific, in fact, that I borrowed my children's names so I could submit more than one entry." "This was a perfectly legal tactic in the contesting world, and as far as I could see, one of the advantages of having so many kids." "My creative output usually corresponded directly to our needs." " Hey, Mom." "The toaster's broke." " Broken." "All right." "Hold on." ""Kraft's Parkay won't tear fresh bread." "Even ice cold, it will smoothly spread."" " Here you go, honey." " Thanks, Mom." "Small household adversities were my steady inspiration." "But whenever fate handed one of my kids an unfair blow, it would set my muse on fire." " Mom." " What, honey?" "The landlord's here." "Oh, hello, Mr. Stubbs." "Come on in." " Dad!" " Hey, Dad!" "Dad, we're being evicted!" " Come on, let me out." " Dad!" " We're being evicted." " Oh, yeah?" "The landlord came by." "He wants the house back." "His daughter's getting married." " How long do we have?" " Three weeks." " What are we gonna do?" " Don't you worry, sweetheart." "Mom always figures something out." " Do you know the capital of Alaska?" " No." " Juneau... get it?" " Oh, yeah." "Good one." " Hello, Mother." " Hello, Dad." "I suppose you heard?" "Yep." "Can't seem to catch a break, can we?" "Here, I brought you something." " Thank you." " Don't choke up so much on the bat." " All right, Dad." " Attaboy." "Mom!" "The men are here to kick us out!" "May I help you?" " Mrs. Ryan?" " Yes." "Is your son, Dick, here?" "This is Dick." "What is this about?" "Congratulations, son." " You've just won $5,000." " I did?" "I'm Mr. Forrest, this is Mr. Bravey and Mr. Kramer of the Western Auto Supply Company." "Out of 65,000 entries in our national bike contest, you have won the grand prize." " Oh, my goodness." " And that's not all." "You've won a brand new Western Flyer bicycle and a Westinghouse washer and dryer." " A washing machine?" "Oh, my Lord." " That's right." "Are you all right?" "I just have to sit down and have myself a happy cry." "I love that bike." "Dad!" "We won!" "We won $5,000!" " No kidding." " Isn't it marvelous?" " It's awesome!" " I told you everything would be OK." "Congratulations, Kelly." "You got quite a wife there." "Yep, looks like she got lucky." "Mom says she's gonna put the money down on a new house." " Yeah?" " Looks like you got lucky." "Oh, now, Kelly was all set to do it, I just beat him to the punch." "Alrighty." "Just need you to sign Dick's check over to Defiance Home Saving and Loan." " Does it matter which of us?" " No." "Whoever is over 21." "Although, you don't look a day over 19, Mrs. Ryan." "Well, in that case, I'd better sign it." "Here you go." "Okey-doke." "And, now the mortgage papers..." "You need both our signatures, correct?" "Some married couples do that." "But it's really not necessary." "And, after all, I'm the guy who has to pay the mortgage, seems I'm the only one who needs to sign it." "And since the bank account's under my name..." "Sure, that's how most folks do it." "Well, that seems right to me." "Well, I guess it's all on me then." "Unless Mother here wants to start punching in at the shop." " Only if you'll do the ironing." "We just need your John Hancock there." "Ryan." "Well, congratulations, Mr. Ryan." "You are a homeowner, sir." "Thank you." "All right, watch that curb." " Good, yes." " Oh, my goodness." "Is that what I won?" " Yes, ma'am." " They're just beautiful." " Watch out." " Excuse me, sir." "Dad, can you believe it?" "No more boiling diapers on top of the stove." "Yep, gonna miss it." "It made a nice soup." "The cost of modern living." "Sir, we're looking for Mrs. E. Ryan." " There." " Oh, hello." "I'm up here." "This is your new home freezer." "Mikey, honey, get down." ""Ask any Eskimo and they'll say, frozen keeps the freshness in every day."" "My gosh." "I forgot all about that one." "When it rains, it pours." "Down." "Well, bring it on in." "How's it going, Pop?" "Don't make your old man carry this couch." "Come on." "OK, on the count of three." "One, two, three." "Tuff, keep that cat out of the house." "What are you doing?" "Here." "A little bit of this?" "Good?" "Dad, isn't this the biggest freezer you ever seen in your life?" "It's like the ones in restaurants." "The deliveryman told me it would hold two sides of beef." "Seems like overkill to me." "Besides, it's dangerous." "A kid could fall in there and suffocate." " No, we won't." " I don't want to say I told you so." " I'd like to keep it." " What the heck for?" "Do you know how much electricity this will eat?" "It inspires me." "It's something to be filled." "Good luck with that." "Even Howard Hughes couldn't fill that thing." "We got plenty in it already." " Only dishes, but something's in there." " Yeah." "That'll take up some of the room, at least." "The Red Sox, three, Cleveland, two." " The Indians have one last out." " God's sakes!" "Bunch of bums, is what you are." " Bunch of bums." " The bases are loaded." "Writing a winning entry not only requires a modicum of wit, it also requires careful product focus." "Notice I have not one, but two brand names I need to use." "You want to know where this is headed?" "Niagara Falls, straight down." "Here's what I have so far." ""Wide selections, priced to please her." "Scads of Seabrook's in their freezer." "Warmth that scorns the impersonal trend, stamps Big Chief as the housewife's friend."" "Mom, I left my spelling book in the kitchen." "All right, honey." " Strike two." " God damn it." " Where is it?" " What's the matter?" "Take the bat off your shoulder." " Who's ahead?" " The Red Sox." "All right." "Come on, you moron." "Hit the ball!" "...gets the sign... on third here's the pitch..." "Cold!" "Strike three." "God damn it to holy fucking hell!" "You're killing us, you stupid bastard!" "Hey, shut up over there!" "You shut up!" "This is a family neighborhood." "Clean your mouth." "I'll clean you up!" "Who are you, the Pope?" "Oh, for crying out loud." "I can't believe we got..." "Goddamn piece of shit!" "Where you trying to go with that?" "This goddamn thing is too big for this goddamn house!" "You're gonna hurt your back." "Why not wait until morning?" "I want this goddamn thing out of the house right now!" "I want it out!" " I never wanted it!" " All right, I'll see what I can do." "You'll enjoy..." "The clean, tangy taste of Dr. Pepper." " Nice try." " Sorry, Mrs. Bidlack." "Watch it." "Maybe we should talk on the radio." "Indians." "I can't believe the Indians..." "Problem is they got no clean-up batter." " Clean up what?" " Half the team's in a slump." "Best move to make is get rid of that manager." "You can't blame him." "Pitching, I'm telling you..." " What a world." " Yeah." "There's always..." " We're gonna take off now." " Take it easy." "Hey, thanks, Tim." "He won't give you anymore trouble." "Best thing to do is let him sleep it off." "Hey, Dick, how's the pitching arm?" "Going for a no-hitter next season?" " You bet." " Go get 'em, kiddo." "Here you go." "I made this for you." "Thank you, Dad." "I'm tired." "Your pajamas are on the bed." "Thank you." "Mom?" "Father McCague's here." "I don't think that you need to worry." "I'm sure that he's learned his lesson." "This has been going on for a very long time." "Every night he drinks a six pack and a pint of whiskey." "By the end of the week nothing's left of his check." "It's all gone to the liquor store." "Kelly has a big family to take care of." "I'm sure he's carrying around the weight of the world." "But the more he drinks, the less he's able to pay the bills, which is one reason he's so unhappy." "But it's up to you, you see," " to make him a good home." " But I do." "Well, you'll have to try a little harder." "No one says that life is easy." "Thank you for coming by, Father." "Yes, indeed." "Are you being obedient and saying all your prayers?" "Yes, Father." "Good boy." "I'll see you in church." "His breath smells like Dad's." "Well, maybe that's why Father likes to use so much incense." "All right, kids." "Let's go to bed." "I'm tired of this day." "I need a new one." "I need a new one." "If I may pause in the story for a moment," "I'd like to briefly explain my marriage." "As a young scribe, I was a resident wit for the Sherwood Weekly Chronicle." "Queen Elizabeth invented ladies' stockings." "Since her time, they've covered a multitude of shins." "Evelyn, that's top-notch." "I had potential, as they say." "I was also in sore need of adventure." "And Kelly Ryan was loads of fun." "He loved music as much as I loved words." "And we were just the perfect match." "Then one night, Kelly's career as a crooner came to a terrible end." "And so, our life in Defiance began where my husband joined the ranks of ordinary men." "So if he seems unhelpful at times or selfish or mean, please remember that he lost his voice, while I kept mine." "Here you go, Dick." "There's a soldier on this glass, look at that." "Who's winning the battle?" "Drink your milk, baby." "Morning, Mother." "Morning, kids." "Morning, Dad." "What do you say I fix everyone some pancakes?" "You can't." "We're out of milk." "I need some money, by the way." "How about coffee?" "You guys are old enough." " No, thanks." " No." "Who the heck did this?" "One of you kids?" "You did, Daddy." "No, siree." "I think it was you." "No, I did not." "Yeah." "Well, you can't sell it now." "Looks like we're stuck with it." "It seems like we are." "How about I take up hunting, fill that thing full of duck and deer?" "No, Daddy!" "You don't like that idea, OK." "Well, how about I just go shoot some squirrels and little bunny rabbits?" "How about you don't spend so much at the liquor store." "Tell you what." "Every night, when I come home," "I'll bring something from the grocery store." "I'm gonna fill that to the very top, even if it takes me a year." " What do you think of that?" " I think that's a wonderful idea." "I gotta go to work so I can bring home the bacon." " And a porterhouse steak." " Hey, I'm not kidding." "You just watch your old man." "I need money for the milkman." "That's not enough." "That's all I have." "OK." "Bye, kids." "Bye." "How's Dad gonna fill the freezer when he can't pay for milk?" "I have no idea, honey." "But at least he has a goal." "Now the moment is here" "Now the moment is here when Queen for A Day makes your wish come true." "We're going to the Everson-Jennings company and order one of their sturdy, folding wheelchairs." "There's a sample." " Mommy." " Yes, honey?" "Davey messed his diaper and I tried to change him." "Oh, show me." "Oh, Barbie." "The trick is to hold the baby's legs up while you take the diaper off." " I got it on my hands." " I know you did, sweetheart." "OK, now, here we go." "Follow me." "All right, don't touch anything." "Come on, Betsy, you too." "Let's wash your hands." "Yeah." "Come on, come on." "All right, everybody." "Come on." "OK, put your hands under the faucet." " Milk delivery!" " Just a minute, I'll be right there." "Come on." "I've got deliveries to make." "Just a minute, please." " I'm leaving." " No, you aren't." "I'm on my way." "OK, girls." "Stay in the kitchen till I can clean this up." "You know that I got a schedule to keep." "I know you do, Ray." "What a life you lead." " Three dollars." " I'm a little short this week." "Can I owe you?" "I got three other families on credit this week." " You know I'm always good for it." " I'm not a bank." "You could start charging interest." "Don't get smart with me." " Smart people know their budget." " Right." "That's why I don't have a problem paying bills." "Hello, Vernon." "Anything for me today?" "You want something in life, you got to pay for it." " Here you go." " Thank you." "Hey, Ray." "Oh, hold on." "How do you like that?" "I won two dollars in the poetry contest for The Toledo Blade." "There you go." "There he goes." "Yeah." "You want the money?" "I'm sorry I made such a mess, Mommy." "Well, actually, honey, if I had gotten the door any sooner, then the milkman would have left before the mailman arrived, and we wouldn't have had any milk for our dinner tonight." "So, there you go." "It was all meant to be." "This is what happens to one's literary efforts once placed in the mailbox." "For the big contests, they go sailing off to New York City to be judged." "The average count is a million and a half entries." "A million and a half." "Imagine that!" "Each entry is first checked to make sure it's accompanied by proof of purchase." "You don't pay, you don't play." "Next they go to the juniorjudges." "College English majors, mind you, who are instructed to eliminate the trite, the obvious and the inept." "Oh, dear." "And so, the final judging begins." "Every syllable of every word is scrutinized and analyzed, the merits of each debated until a few of the worthiest remain." "The ballots are cast, the points are added up and the grand prize winner is declared." "Oh, my gosh!" " Mommy won a shopping spree!" " Oh, yeah?" "They time her as she runs in the store." "She can get whatever she wants." "She's gonna get us a bunch of candy..." "And fancy nuts." "I'm gonna eat a cashew." "Can you believe it?" "That's terrific, Mother." "Now, I only get ten minutes and one cart, so what I did was, I walked to the market to plot my strategy." " Wait till you hear this." " The carts are smaller than at the AP." " Mom talked to the butcher." " He's gonna wrap up bacon and ribs." " I can build up the cart that way." " Sounds pretty clever." "I asked him to set aside a prime rib, a chateaubriand, what do you think?" " We each get our own filet mignon." " Absolutely." "Tuff, honey, would you set the table?" "I had filet mignon once." "It ain't that great." "When have you started saying "ain't"?" "Get off your high horse." "It's a perfectly good word." " Here." " Oh, thank you." "This is perfect." "I was gonna put on fish sticks, but now I can make sloppy joes." "Might as well cook it up now." "Looks like hamburger's not gonna be good enough for this family anymore." "Oh, of course it is." "Itjust won't be the only thing we know." "I asked the kids to make a list of what they want me to grab." " What would you like?" " Don't waste any space on me." "Oh, now stop." "Think." "What have you always wanted to try?" " I don't know." " Sure you do." "Shrimp cocktail." "The kind they have in those little jars." "I like the way they look, kind of elegant." "I always wanted one of those." "You shall have it." "Thank you, Mother." "Proud of the old lady." " But I think you should..." " Oh, no." "Are all these kids yours?" " Hi, Mom." " Yes." "If it's all right, they were going to call out the time so I could stay on schedule." "Oh, I don't know." "I don't see any problem with that." "And any help you happen to give Mrs. Ryan in filling her cart won't be seen by me." "So, then, are you ready?" "Hold on." " Didn't like the way that sounded." " Thank you." "All set?" "Go!" "Go!" "Faster!" " I think we should split up." " OK." "I'll take the frozen section, you take the European food aisle." " What do you want, hon?" " Oh, caviar, expensive things." "The good stuff, not the ordinary." "Gotcha." "Marge, go!" "Seven minutes to go!" "Three minutes." "Come on!" "One minute left!" "I got you some goose pate." "You ever had that?" " No." " Let me know what it's like." "I got all the after-dinner mints, the Swiss chocolate, two bags of English toffees and a couple bags of coffee mints." "Grab and move on." "Where to?" " Produce!" " What for?" "Exotic, anything grown in a foreign country." " Does Hawaii count?" " Yes." "Thirty seconds!"