"[***]" "Good morning." "Hey, if you need a stronger jolt, you could always gnaw on the cord." "Sorry, I was out dancing until 6 this morning." "God, it's windy on top of the Chrysler building." "I just don't know if I can keep doing this every night." "Well, you know, every once in a while you could stay home." "Uh, no way." "No more parties at my place." "Everybody has a great time, makes a mess, but nobody ever wants to stay and clean up, or untie me." "Maya, do you believe in fate?" "Oh, let me guess-- you met a new woman." "As a matter of fact, I have." "Let's see..." "Early 20s, new boobs?" "No, late 60s, new hip." "Okay, you've got my attention." "You know how I've had trouble finding an apartment." "Yeah." "Well, I'm at breakfast, looking through the classifieds, and this sweet old woman comes up and asks if I know anybody looking for a place." "I'm seeing it this afternoon." "Great." "Come with me." "I'm an impulse buyer, and if I see something I want," "I can't control myself." "Oh, come on." "No, it's true." "Like when I rented my current place..." "I flipped over the faucets, somehow missing the fact that it shares a common wall with a methadone clinic." "So, 6:00..." "What do you say?" "You don't need me." "You remember that car, the AMC Pacer?" "I'll be there." "Dennis, I just had a very unpleasant experience down in the garage." "Hey, don't feel bad." "With that soft skin and those small hands," "I thought he was a girl too." "That wasn't it, was it?" "Someone parked in my space." "What?" "Why are you driving?" "You don't drive." "I mean, hmm..." "My accountant says I need to drive in once a year for tax purposes." "The one day you drive in is the one day someone parks in your spot?" "Actually, the attendant says that same Miata has been parking in my spot for the last few months." "It all evens out." "I mean, someone steals your parking space, and you get wheeled through airports because you have a trick pelvis." "Dennis, that parking space is my territory." "And if you don't defend your territory, the next thing you know, the yoga teacher's in your bed wrapped around your wife like a down comforter." "Where's my letter opener?" "I'm gonna stick his tire." "You can't mess with this guy's car." "He's built like a linebacker." "How do you know?" "Well, stands to reason..." "Miata..." "Do you know more than you're saying?" "Mm-hmm, so far." "Go on." "Suppose person A knew of a commodity that was never used by its owner, person B." "However, person C was in need of said commodity and person A was able to provide it, knowing person B would never be inconvenienced... hypothetically." "Would person A be receiving any money for said commodity..." "hypothetically?" "Suppose he were." "Then person A should either terminate his arrangement immediately or get his resumé together." "Hmm, hypothetically." "No, I want that guy out of my space before you can say, "Hi, I'm Dennis." "Welcome to Wal-Mart." Well" ""Clock radios?" "Aisle five, right next to the fishing poles."" "Damn it, the landlady's not even here." "That's a good thing." "Now you can really look the place over." "Right." "No pressure." "Just take my time." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Oh!" "Oh, my God, a living room!" "I'll take it!" "[LAUGHS] Elliott" "No, I gotta have this place." "No, look around." "Check out the bedroom." "Maybe there isn't a bedroom." "Actually, there are three bedrooms and two bathrooms." "Mrs. Pierce, remember me?" "I'm Elliott DiMauro and this is Maya." "This place is fantastic." "But you still want to ask a few questions, right?" "Right... what's the longest lease" "I can sign?" "Elliott, remember what we talked about?" "No impulsive decisions." "Now, settle." "We don't even know how much the rent is." "Two hundred dollars a month." "Done!" "I'll write you a check." "Well, actually... there is another interested party." "Oh." "But he's single, and I" "I would like to have a nice married couple." "Oh, no, see, we're not" "Able to move in till the first of the month, isn't that right, sweetheart... angel... honey... please?" "Oh, I see what's going on here." "You're newlyweds." "Is it that obvious?" "So how did you meet?" "Um..." "We work at the same magazine." "Really?" "My husband published magazines." "Which ones?" "Well, he didn't like to bring his work home." "Let's see, what were they called?" "Um, Mr. Keyhole, uh, Foot Dreams, and Backdoor Johnny." "I never read any of them, but they must have been very popular, because Mr. Pierce left me a bundle when he died." "Oh, you're a widow." "How long has he been gone?" "Oh, 30 years." "He got so mad when the subway went up to 20 cents, he jumped the turnstile, slipped and fell on the third rail... sizzled like a pork chop." "That's terrible." "Oh, well, at least he didn't die in vain." "Well, if it hadn't been for people like my husband taking a stand, passengers today might being paying as much as a quarter." "You don't get out much, do you?" "Well, just to walk my dog." "My tenants do my shopping for me." "They practically block the door if I try to go out and buy something myself." "I'll bet they do." "Well, let's start in the kitchen." "Now, it's got one of those new ovens that's built right into the wall." "Have you seen them?" "Yeah, at the World's Fair." "Finch, do me a favor and give this hundred to Jack." "I borrowed it from him." "He's probably forgotten all about it." "No problem." "Where are you going?" "Home." "I'm staying in tonight and reading a book." "Ah, I don't want to ruin the ending, but, uh, Waldo's in the upper left corner." "Go ahead, make fun, but I'm going to rejuvenate myself." "I bought a scented candle, some bubble bath, and I'm swinging by the shelter to pick up a cat." "Poor little tabby... moments away from a humane death." "Here's the ad contracts and the proofs for the formalwear shoot." "A-ha!" "What?" "Don't play the innocent." "What about my 100 bucks?" "I was getting it out of my pocket." "And how did you know" "Getting it out or stuffing it in?" "Because let me tell you something, Dennis." "The only thing that money will buy is orchestra seats in hell." "So this was a test?" "You put Nina up to it?" "What choice did I have?" "Not putting her up to it?" "I'm sorry, Dennis, but I don't think I can trust you anymore." "Yes, you can." "The Miata's gone." "Your space is empty." "If you don't believe me, go down and check." "That won't be necessary." "Thank you." "Oh, wait a minute!" "Where's my stapler?" "Empty your pockets, mister." "It's right there." "Where?" "Under your hand." "Yeah, but is it full?" "You can go." "It was so nice to meet you." "I'll be making my decision soon." "How soon?" "If it's only a day or two, we can wait right here." "Elliott, let's give Mrs. Pierce a little breathing room." "I have a good feeling about you two." "Toodle-loo." "Good night." "I'm very quiet!" "Two hundred bucks a month, can you believe it?" "God, it must be worth 10 times that." "Oh, at least." "Ah, thanks for playing along." "I know I put you on the spot like that." "I just panicked." "No, I just hope I didn't blow it for you." "Oh, no, you were great." "Great." "Okay, what if you get it?" "Isn't she gonna think it's weird that I'm never around?" "Well, I-- you're a reporter." "I'll tell her you're always on the road." "Oh, do you think I overdid it with that honeymoon story, because I was making it up off the top of my head" "Eyes forward, Chutney." "Sorry, she was just" "No, no, that was close." "I didn't know what to do." "I think I'm gonna walk home." "I'll take a cab." "Yeah, good idea." "Taxi!" "Dennis, did you tell everyone about the staff meeting?" "Well, now, maybe I did and maybe I didn't." "You know me, I'm shifty." "Good morning." "Fine, thanks." "First order of business, Maya, Elliott..." "How'd you guys make out?" "What?" "Excuse me?" "You know, for the cover story?" "Oh, fine." "Just fine." "Great." "Great." "Great." "Fine." "Okay, I get it." "Moving on." "Um, Elle MacPherson is shooting a movie in Montréal." "Maya, I'd like you to fly up, do a story." "Great." "I love Montréal." "Elliott, I'd like you to go along and take the photographs." "Make a weekend out of it." "No." "I can't." "I hate Montréal." "You just said you loved it." "Oh, I thought you said "Monty Hall."" "I can't go back to Canada." "They'll be waiting for me." "Who?" "The Canadians." "I thought I made that clear." "Sorry I'm late." "The hovercraft blew an engine, and it was daylight before the Coast Guard picked us up." "The Coast Guard picked you up?" "Hmm, I guess it's backwards day." "I thought you were gonna stay home last night." "I did for a good part of the evening, but about 7:15, my friend Binnie came over." "When I opened the door, the cat ran out, and when we went to look for it, it wasn't at Tavern on the Green, so we" "What are you talking about?" "!" "I've been trying to sell Nina on the advantages of staying home every once in a while." "Well, I tried." "I really did... but the walls started closing in." "So here's the new plan." "Tonight, Binnie and I are going out, but we are gonna spend the entire evening avoiding alcohol and men." "Oh, that's great." "Okay, I'll start the pool." "10 bucks a square." "I say legally drunk and dancing with Eurotrash by 8:30." "7:15." "Moving on-- 9:20." "Will you guys stop and give Nina a little credit?" "10:45." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Hi." "Hi." "I got another photographer to do that Montréal thing, so you can go." "Oh, well, I already lined up another writer, so you can go." "Oh, well, I also sold my watch to buy you a comb." "[LAUGHS]" "Oh, no, I just sold my hair to buy you a watch chain." "[LAUGHS]" "I'll go first." "Please." "I don't think we should feel uncomfortable about last night." "Oh, God, I would love that." "It was a freak of nature." "It was an absolute fluke." "It was just because we were doing that pretend marriage thing, and I don't think we're gonna be doing that anymore." "Me either... after tonight." "What?" "Mrs. Pierce just called and tonight's her weekly tenant party." "She wants us to drop by..." "see if we fit in." "The tenants go to a weekly party?" "For the rent she charges," "I'd give her a weekly sponge bath." "I know it's weird with you kissing me and everything, but I just need you to do this one last time." "I don't know." "I kind of had plans." "We'll just stay a half-hour, tops." "All right, sure." "Thanks." "Um, but for the record," "I didn't kiss you." "You kissed me." "Right." "We need to be there at 7:00." "Okay." "And no big deal, but when you say I kissed you, you mean the first kiss." "The second time, you kissed me." "So I guess we're even." "No need to dress up." "Oh, we're not even." "I never kissed you." "Maya, with all due respect," "I know a little something about women, and I know when I'm being kissed." "And yet, you have no idea when you're being tossed out." "What?" "We just got a divorce." "Get out." "No, but you don't understand." "She's refinishing the floors." "Out!" "Maya, for God's sake, the den has crown moldings." "[INTERCOM BUZZES]" "Maya Gallo." "ELLIOTT:" "With a butler's pantry, Maya." "I'm begging you." "[TURNS OFF INTERCOM]" "[MOTOR WHIRS]" "[WHIRS PERIODICALLY]" "Uh-oh." "Oops, I seem to have dropped my pencil." "I better bend over and pick it up." "Nina, please, I'm begging you." "The party's in 15 minutes." "Oh, don't be absurd." "Your landlady is not going to think I'm Maya." "Sure, she will." "She's completely out of it." "You come in, you spout off all you know about literature, museums, politics... or maybe you have laryngitis." "I'd like to help you, but I can't." "In honor of our no liquor, no men policy," "Binnie and I are going to folk night at a lesbian coffee house." "For God's sakes, you can do that tomorrow." "Every night is folk night at a lesbian coffee house." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "I'll get it, Mrs. Pierce." "Hi." "Elliott DiMauro." "Adam Kessler, 5-B." "Look, DiMauro." "You may have picked up that this is a very special building." "It's quiet, it's discreet" "It's 1962." "Look who's here!" "Oh, Mr. DiMauro," "I'm so glad you could come." "Where's Mrs. DiMauro?" "Oh, at the last minute, she had to fly to California on business." "Oh, darn it!" "I wanted her to meet all the tenants." "Oh, and she wanted to meet them." "She was practically in tears when the plane took off." "Hi, honey." "Maya!" "Mrs. DiMauro" "I thought you were in California." "No." "Because that's where I told her you were." "Yes, but we couldn't take off because something was wrong with the..." "Propeller?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Let's get you some punch." "Such a treasure." "Oh, she's the only girl for me." "Hi, honey." "Nina!" "What?" "What happened to folk night?" "Oh, please." "If I want to listen to a bitter woman complain about farm foreclosures," "I'll call my mother." "So I'm all yours." "No." "No, you have to get out right now" "Oh, a new arrival." "Mrs. Pierce." "Mrs. Pierce." "Who are you?" "Uh, Mrs. DiMauro." "But I" " I thought you were Mrs. DiMauro." "She is..." "this is my wife... and this is my mother." "What?" "!" "I mean, we'd never move anywhere without Mom's approval, right, dear?" "Oh, right." "So, what do you think, Mother DiMauro?" "Oh..." "You can probably guess what I'm thinking." "Well, that settles it." "The apartment is yours." "Any young man who has so much respect for his mother is the kind of tenant I'm looking for." "Fabulous." "Well, I guess I owe you one, Mom." "Oh, funny you should mention it." "I don't have a cent for the cab ride home." "Oh..." "Happy to do it." "It's a longer ride than that." "No, no, no," "I'm going all the way to the country house... in Connecticut." "Well, I thought you and Dad sold that place years ago." "No, no, we decided to keep it so you'd always have a place to go, in case you lost your apartment." "Fine, fine, take my wallet." "Oh, Dr. Kessler... uh, this is Mr. DiMauro's wife and his mother." "Call me Nina." "So is there a missus Dr. Kessler?" "No." "Oh, no, he lives with his father." "You should meet him." "He's a wonderful dancer." "Oh, sure..." "Dad?" "Jack, I'm going home." "JACK:" "Dennis, come on back here!" "Okay, maybe I overreacted." "Maybe?" "Dennis, our relationship is like a marriage." "In fact, it's more than a marriage, because it's based on trust." "Look, I know I shouldn't have rented out your parking spot, but that was one indiscretion in eight years of loyal service." "I said I was sorry." "What more do you want from me?" "All right, you made your point." "Let's just forget the whole thing ever happened." "All right, I will if you will." "Done." "Let's get out of here." "So, uh, what are you doing this weekend?" "I don't know, hit a movie." "What about you?" "Oh, I'm talking Allie and Hannah to our beach house in the Hamptons." "What?" "What are you doing that for?" "You never go there before July." "I mean, hmm..." "[MAYA AND ELLIOTT LAUGHING]" "Oh, God, I can't remember the last time I limboed." "I can't remember the last time someone referred to it as that "crazy new dance."" "The important thing is you got the apartment." "Oh, yeah, thanks again." "I'm glad you changed your mind." "Well, I knew how much it meant to you." "And listen, you know, if you're ever in a bind and you need me to pretend we're married again, I'm happy to help." "Oh, Mrs. Pierce, we didn't hear you." "Oh, it's these moccasins." "Dr. Kessler and his father brought them back from an artist's colony in Sedona." "Did you hear us talking?" "Every word." "Well, then, I" " I guess I owe you an explanation." "It's pretty complicated." "Well, you wanted the apartment, so you pretended to be married." "Okay, it's pretty simple." "Well, to tell you the truth, we all do a good deal of pretending around here." "You do?" "Oh, sure." "The tenants play their games, and I play mine." "So you know" "That I could get a lot more for my apartments?" "Of course." "But I don't need the money." "I need kindred spirits." "I need party guests." "Do you need me?" "Yes, Mr. DiMauro, I think I do." "Although, I look forward to both of you moving in someday." "Oh, no, see," "Elliott and I are not a couple." "Yeah, we're not romantically involved" "At all." "Well, maybe not yet... but you will be." "Come along, Chutney." "What was that about?" "Oh, nothing." "She's out of her mind." "She's crazy as a loon." "Think I'm gonna walk home." "I'll take a cab." "Yeah, good idea." "Taxi!" "* Life keeps bringing me Back to you *" "* Keeps bringing me home *" "* It don't matter what I'm gonna do *" "* 'Cause It's got a mind of its own *" "* Life keeps bringing me Back to you **"