"[###]" "You know that manslaughter is the least serious murder charge?" "You don't say." "Manslaughter." "Literally, the slaughter of a man." "Sounds brutal, doesn't it?" "Heinous." "Yet it's the most socially acceptable form of murder." "So you think we should change the name." "Yes, I do." "How about, uh, "inadvertent life-ending"?" ""Unintentional snuff-out."" "How about "I can't believe it's not murder"?" "[###]" "[###]" "Oh, boy, I was up till 4 in the morning watching that Omen trilogy." "Mm." "Mm." "That's good stuff." "The devil?" "[SCOFFS]" "Forget about it." "Well, he was the devil's son, right?" "I thought he was the devil's helper." "Well, he's pretty scary for a helper." "I can't keep doing this to myself." "I'm exhausted." "Can't you grab a nap at work?" "Not with that big glass window looking out onto the hall." "And I love a good nap." "Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning." "I'll see you." "Bye." "So, what are you doing now?" "Gonna take a stroll through the park." "With a gentleman caller?" "Yes, his name is Hal." "The walking date is a good date." "You don't have to look right at the person." "Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone." "Hey, hi." "Hi." "Shower?" "Huh?" "Oh, pool." "I just swam 200 laps." "ELAINE:" "You are kidding." "Yeah, look at those babies, huh?" "They're prunes." "You know, I saw Conrad going up to your place." "Oh, yeah, that's right." "Those new kitchen cabinets." "How's that coming?" "Slow." "I gotta hold this guy's hand on every little decision." "Hey, Kramer, listen." "You've seen The Omen, right?" "What exactly was that kid?" "Oh, Damien?" "Mm-hm." "Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid." "[###]" "[SNORING]" "Uh, George, have you seen that American League directory?" "It's, uh..." "A big green book." "Right here." "Uh, thanks, kiddo." "[SIGHS]" "[###]" "You know Twinkies aren't cooked?" "[GASPS]" "It looks cooked." "It's dark on the bottom." "That's just the way it is." "It's a substance." "Well, I don't care." "They're delicious." "You wanna sit down?" "Oh, I don't sit on park benches." "They're very bad for the back." "Really?" "I threw my back out 15 years ago." "Ever since, I've been very careful." "I buy all my furniture at an ergonomic store." "Oh, those places have the stupidest names." "Like, uh..." "Like Back in Business," "[MOCKINGLY] or Good Vertebrations." "Not this one." "It's called the Lumbar Yard." "[###]" "Hey, Jerry." "Jerry, are you okay with this hinge?" "Yeah." "I can get you any kind you want." "Four holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all." "You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand?" "Uh." "Well, these are different." "Drop one." "Left." "[SIGHS]" "Jerry, look at my eyes." "Mm." "A little less beady today." "Because I'm refreshed." "I finally found a way to sleep in my office." "Under the desk, huh?" "I lie on my back, I tuck in the chair, I'm invisible." "Sounds like a really cool fort." "Hey, Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding, or do you want me to, uh, bevel it?" "I'll tell you what I'd like to do with it." "Hey, uh, Conrad, is it?" "Conrad, Connie or Con. Whatever you prefer." "[CHUCKLES]" "Let me ask you a question." "Could you, uh, expand the space underneath a desk, you know, give it a little more headroom?" "George, he's kind of tied up here." "What?" "It would have to be a night job, anyway." "You normally work after dinner?" "There is no normal." "Whatever Jerry wants." "He wants me here late, I'm here late." "He wants me early, I'm early." "He wants..." "Why don't you just work on George's project for a while." "Whatever you want." "[###]" "So how was, uh, Wednesday in the park with Hal?" "Eh." "It was okay." "He's coming over later to watch a movie." "Hey, listen, what's better for your back:" "The couch cushions or a folding chair?" "I don't know." "[SIGHS]" "Maybe we'll just stand and watch the TV." "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "Uh, I gotta go." "Somebody's at my door." "Yeah." "MAN:" "Delivery." "Elaine Benes?" "Yeah." "We're from the Lumbar Yard." "We got your mattress." "Mattress?" "I, uh..." "I didn't order a mattress." "Who sent this?" ""Hal Kitzmiller"?" "[###]" "You think it might be possible to add a little shelf, like, uh, for an alarm clock?" "What, about maybe that big?" "I don't know, maybe like this?" "Like that?" "Yeah, like that." "I can do that." "Great." "[CHUCKLES]" "You know, this could sound crazy, but what do you think about adding a drawer for, like, a blanket?" "Blanket or a quilt?" "Blanket." "About that thick?" "Maybe like this." "Like that?" "Yeah." "Like that." "If that's what you want." "That's what I want." "CONRAD:" "Hey, George, do you want this cup holder, uh...?" "Do you want it mounted on the left, to the right, on the middle?" "Whatever." "[DRILLING]" "[CONRAD GRUNTS]" "[LAUGHS]" "This is unbelievable." "This is better than my bed at home." "All right." "It's been a long night." "You go home and get some sleep." "If that's what you want." "That's what I want." "[SIGHS]" "Morning, George." "[STRAINING] Morning, Mr. Wilhelm." "[EXHALES LOUDLY]" "[###]" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Whew." "I got pool problems, Jerry." "What happened?" "Well, I had been swimming for three hours, and I was in a real groove, so I decided to keep going." "But at 10, they start the aquacise." "Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows." "It was like I was swimming through a flabby-armed spanking machine." "Well, how long did that last?" "Half-hour." "Then diving class started." "[CHUCKLES] Well, that got a little messy." "I gotta find a new place to swim because that pool can't hold me, Jerry." "How was the movie?" "I cancelled." "Hal sent a mattress to my apartment." "Hah." "The nerve of that guy." "Why?" "He's got a back problem." "So you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay?" "After one date." "What's that guy's last name again?" "Kitzmiller." "Oh, that's right." "So, what are you gonna do with the mattress?" "I don't know, chuck it?" "Oh, wait, no, no, no." "I'll take it." "Why don't you come over." "Let's see if it'll fit in my bedroom." "Oh, all right." "Yeah, my old one sprung a leak." "You have a waterbed?" "Sand." "It's like sleeping on a beach." "Oh, hi." "Hey." "Hi, Con." "Jerry, I'm sorry I'm late." "George and I, we've been..." "We've been up all night long." "Uh, I can make up the time to you any number of ways." "How about this?" "Finish this thing up today." "Couple questions for you." "No, no more questions." "Just figure it out for yourself and get it done." "All right, Jerry, but I can figure it out by myself any way you want." "Just do it." "[###]" "STEINBRENNER:" "Costanza." "Where's Costanza?" "[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]" "Have you seen Costanza?" "I've seen him around." "STEINBRENNER:" "Huh." "He was humming this song yesterday." "I can't seem to get it out of my head." "I gotta know the name of that." "# She's a heartbreaker A love-taker #" "# Brubaker run this prison like a man, oh, oh ##" "Something like that." "Very catchy tune." "Very, very catchy." "Well, you know what?" "I'm gonna sit here and wait for that guy." "STEINBRENNER:" "What is this, People?" "Hmm. "The Most Beautiful People" People." "Connie Sellecca." "Tsk." "Nothing wrong with that, huh?" "[###]" "HAL:" "Elaine, you're taking this totally the wrong way." "That's not what I intended." "Well, what did you intend, Hal?" "I just wanted you to have the comfort and support you deserve." "That's why I had the mattress custom designed for you." "Custom designed?" "They adjust the foam density and the spring tension to your body type." "I estimated your height and weight:" "5'8", about 110 pounds?" "[GIGGLES]" "Oh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." "So you do like the mattress?" "Oh, I love it." "I'm glad I..." "Kept it." "[###]" "Over there, that's Brooklyn." "That's where Spike Lee lives." "BO Y:" "Hey, there's a man swimming in the water." "[CHUCKLES] No." "That's probably just a dead body, son." "You see, when the mob kills someone, they throw the body in the river." "Yeah." "[###]" "KRAMER:" "Hey, Jerr." "Hey, buddy." "Hey." "Well, my swimming pool problems are solved." "I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes." "What is that smell?" "That's East River." "You're swimming in the East River?" "Yeah." "The most heavily-trafficked, overly-contaminated waterway on the Eastern Seaboard?" "Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage." "How could you swim in that water?" "I saw a couple of other guys out there." "Swimming?" "Well, floating." "They weren't moving much, but they were out there." "[DOOR OPENS]" "[###]" "ELAINE:" "Hey, Kramer." "It's Elaine." "Thanks for bringing my mattress back, and I guess I'll just get my spare key from you whenever." "All right." "Bye." "[BEEPS]" "Oh, this is a good mattress." "Ugh!" "[###]" "STEINBRENNER:" "Where the hell is this guy?" "I've waited for three and a half hours, for crying out loud." "Should I go?" "No way, Jack." "STEINBRENNER:" "I'm not humming it to the guy at the record store again." "Mr. Steinbrenner?" "That's what they call me." "Your grandchildren are here to see you." "Oh, wow, send them in." "STEINBRENNER:" "Send the tykes in." "KID:" "Grandpa, Grandpa, Grandpa." "Hey, you little kids." "[KIDS YELPING, DOG BARKING]" "Who are you people?" "Come here." "Come here." "How about a ride on the Stein-pony express?" "Get up here." "STEINBRENNER:" "What's your name, shorty?" "Mel?" "Are you Mel?" "[RINGS]" "Hello." "[WHISPERING] Jerry, Jerry." "I'm trapped under my desk." "Steinbrenner's in the room." "You gotta help me." "Who is this?" "[ANGRILY] Jerry." "Hi." "[WHISPERS] Go away." "Shh." "Bye-bye." "Shh." "Get away." "Hi, I'm Brian." "Beat it, Brian." "Beat it." "Beat it." "[KIDS CHATTERING]" "Why don't you just have him paged?" "Because they'll see the extension's coming from my..." "Ow." "Back off." "Come on." "Would you do something?" "Call in a bomb threat." "A bomb threat?" "Why would I call in a bomb threat?" "Just call." "I think I should have some reason." "Jerry!" "Hey, you kids are up on all the new tunes." "Tell me if this rings a bell:" "# Heartbreaker Love-taker #" "# Shoemaker Won't you fix my shoes for free?" "##" "Anything?" "Shorty?" "Girl?" "Mr. Steinbrenner, we just received a call." "There's a bomb in the building." "[WHISPERS] Thank God." "A bomb in the building?" "Oh, my God." "Quick, everybody under the desk." "[###]" "STEINBRENNER:" "George, can you imagine what went through my mind, when I saw there wasn't gonna be enough room under that desk for me and my babies?" "I'm sorry, sir." "STEINBRENNER:" "You know what I think?" "I think you knew about that bomb." "What?" "You had a premonition about the bomb." "You climbed under because you have ESP." "Quick, George, put a thought in my mind." "Mmm." "Meatballs, huh?" "Unbelievable." "You're a wonder, George." "Anyway, this terrorist had a very specific demand." "No more cheap adjustable hats for Hat Day." "He wants fitted hats just like the players wear." "[###]" "Jerry." "Jerry." "Yeah." "What the hell is this?" "Wha...?" "Where are you?" "Over here." "You can see right through here." "What is this?" "It's like you're selling movie tickets back here." "I think it's kind of cosy." "All right." "You are not gonna believe what Kramer did to my mattress." "I can't..." "I can't talk to you like this." "So Kramer completely funked up my mattress." "Does it smell like the East River?" "Yes, it does." "How did you know?" "Because Kramer's been swimming laps between the Queensboro Bridge and the Brooklyn Bridge." "Oh, great!" "Whew." "Oh, man, I'm on the wrong floor again." "[GASPS]" "Hey." "Thanks for ruining my mattress." "It reeks." "Hey, you know what I think it is?" "I think it's that East River." "I think it might be polluted." "Whew." "Well, you really did it to me this time, Seinfeld." "What the hell happened here?" "Hey." "GEORGE:" "Hey." "Loo..." "Look how, uh, obtrusive it is." "It is obtrusive, isn't it?" "It's very obtrusive." "I..." "I don't think it's that bad." "Well, can I get a stool in here?" "No, the stools go over there." "No, no, no, that's no good." "I'm leaving." "Yeah, I'm with stinky." "I'm going back to my place." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Fitted Hat Day?" "That's what you asked Steinbrenner for?" "Hey, they're actually doing the fitted hats?" "Cool." "Guess who he put in charge of Fitted Hat Day." "Me." "Hey, look at you." "Yeah, look at me." "Now, I gotta figure out the different head sizes of 59,000 different people." "What if a pinhead shows up?" "I gotta be on top of that." "No knockoffs." "I want the ones like the real players wear." "Forget the fitted hats!" "I'm not doing it!" "And you're gonna call Steinbrenner back and cancel the whole thing!" "Could you at least get a hat for me?" "Fine." "What size?" "Seven and five-eighths." "Seven and five-eighths!" "Why are you shouting?" "I don't know!" "It's this place." "[CRIES] I'm very uncomfortable here." "[###]" "HAL:" "So you're liking the mattress?" "Oh, I'm j..." "Loving it." "I..." "You know, we should, um..." "Uh..." "[SIGHS]" "Get going." "What is that smell?" "What smell?" "[SNIFFS]" "I think it's the mattress." "Did something happen to it?" "No, no." "Oh." "Oh, you know what that is?" "Um..." "Tsk." "I went clamming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots." "Clamming?" "Yeah, I clam and scallop." "I clam and scallop." "Heh-heh." "Huh." "[###]" "[KNOCK ON DOOR]" "STEINBRENNER:" "Yes, yes, come in." "Come in." "Sir, I just got a call from the terrorist." "I told him to call back here, if you have a moment." "Hey, Costanza, let me ask you something." "Is it "Fe-bru-ary" or "Feb-uary"?" "Because I prefer "uary," and what is this rule?" "[RINGS]" "Let me put that on speaker phone for you, sir." "Hello, uh, bomber?" "Yeah, this is the terrorist bomber." "You know, Costanza is busting his hump on those hats." "Yeah, you know, about those hats, I think maybe I changed my mind." "You don't want them?" "They're gone." "Goodbye." "Good thinking, sir." "Now, what do you want instead?" "What?" "STEINBRENNER [OVER PHONE]:" "Well, you're the terrorist." "You gotta want something." "JERRY [OVER PHONE]:" "Uh, I guess it'll be nice if you called tick et-holders, if a game is gonna be rained out." "All right, George, you can handle that." "[EMITTING DIAL TONE]" "What the hell are you doing?" "We have to stand tough, sir." "That's why I had to hang up the phone." "When someone's unstable, you don't stir the pot." "Know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna run around the stadium and close the windows." "That's what I'm doing, pal." "And I'll tell you something else:" "I am very nervous!" "I liked that stuffed-crust pizza, cheese-in-crust pizza." "It's just more cheese." "Hey, let me tell you something." "It'll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza." "Kramer." "Oh, hey." "Ha-ha." "Hi." "Oh, this is Hal." "Hal, Kramer." "Kramer, Hal." "Hal, uh..." "Langerhans." "Kitzmiller." "Ooh." "Kitzmiller, yeah." "That's right." "You taking a dip?" "Oh, I'm dipping." "Heh." "That smell?" "Well, listen I gotta get to the pier." "It's, uh..." "Ferry traffic gets really bad around 4:30, but, uh..." "Look, I still got your key to your apartment, and I'll, uh, give it back to you as soon as I can." "Ooh, baby." "[LAUGHS]" "[###]" "[ALARM CLOCK BUZZING]" "[SNIFFS]" "[EXHALES SHARPLY]" "[GRUNTS]" "[BUZZING STOPS]" "[GRUNTS]" "[SIGHS]" "Lunch." "Kramer." "Hey." "Can I talk to you a minute?" "Yeah, sure, sure, uh..." "Um..." "Oh, boy." "Kitzmiller." "That's it." "Heh-heh." "You and Elaine are pretty close." "Oh, we go back a ways." "[CHUCKLES]" "And you've, um..." "How do I put this?" "You've been in her bed." "That's right." "But this isn't still going on?" "No, no, no, she put a stop to that." "That's all I needed to know." "So you actually swim in this thing?" "Oh, yeah." "Exercises every muscle in the body." "It's great for the back." "Great for the back." "Right." "Four hours in this chop, and I'm a full inch taller." "Giddyup." "[SPLASH]" "[###]" "STEINBRENNER:" "# Heartbreaker Brubaker ##" "Hey, hey, George, I remember that tune." "George?" "George?" "Hm." "What's that ticking?" "Oh-oh." "[MUMBLING]" "Fire in the hole!" "[ELAINE GRUNTS]" "I can't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up." "[GRUNTS]" "[SIGHS]" "Oh." "Ugh." "Ugh." "[SIGHS]" "Okay." "[GRUNTS]" "[THUDS]" "[###]" "You want it back the way it was?" "Yeah, that's right." "You know, I don't get you, Seinfeld." "You want something one day." "The next day you don't like it." "I mean, come on, man." "Make a decision." "[PHONE RINGS]" "One second." "Hello." "Jerry, you gotta help me." "I threw my back out." "So just lie down." "I am lying down." "I am trapped under a funky mattress." "You gotta go get a doctor," "[CRYING] or at least come over and roll this thing off of me." "All right." "I'll..." "I'll be right there." "Uh, Conrad, I gotta go." "Stay, go." "Hah." "Whatever." "[###]" "Hey, Kramer." "What's going on?" "I told my chiropractor how great swimming in the river made my back feel." "Mm-hm?" "He recommended it to all his patients." "Ay-yi-yi!" "Step aside." "[SPLASH]" "He just sunk like a stone, didn't he?" "[###]" "Sir, I..." "I'm sure it's not a bomb." "STEINBRENNER:" "Don't be so brave." "You mess with them and they're messing with you." "All right, boys, send it in." "[MACHINE WHIRRING]" "STEINBRENNER:" "Wait." "What's that thing straight ahead?" "Is that's anything?" "Is that Mothra?" "STEINBRENNER:" "Okay." "Let's check the desk." "That's where I heard the ticking." "Gonna search each one of those drawers, starting with the top one." "STEINBRENNER:" "Huh." "It's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?" "Looks like there's more compartments underneath." "Compartments underneath?" "That's probably where it is." "Okay, boys, let it rip." "I'll tell you what, George, starting tomorrow, no more desks." "Just a Lucite table and four legs." "Hey!" "Hey, watch where you're kicking!" "You people find your own river!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Jeez!" "I'm so sor..." "[COUGHS]" "Kramer." "Elaine." "Hi." "I am loving this." "Hey, I'll meet you at the coffee shop." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "[KRAMER SCREAMS]" "[###]" "[###]" "Hey, Connie." "Jerry around?" "No, and I prefer Conrad." "So I heard what happened to the desk." "I tell you there was something so reassuring about that cosy little space." "Yeah, well, whatever." "See you." "[###]" "Ahh." "Back to normal." "Not bad for 4000 bucks." "Can't believe I got the low-fat." "[###]" "[###]" "[JERRY SIGHS]" "All right, you're on a desert island." "You can bring five books." "Which five do you take?" "I gotta read five books?" "All right, one." "Come on." "I got it." "Three Musk eteers." "You've read that?" "No, I'm saving it for the island." "All right, let's start this whole thing over." "Best Chamberlain:" "Wilt, Richard, or Neville?" "For the desert island?" "JERRY:" "Okay." "Richard." "You know, he was in The Three Musk eteers." "Exactly." "Save me having to read the book." "What's going on over there?" "I don't know." "I gotta see somebody." "[###]" "So, Marcy, you should have seen me in the hot tub today." "Why?" "I was naked." "Oh, George." "I saw it." "How'd he look?" "Okay." "I wouldn't see it again." "A friend of mine thought she got Legionnaires' disease in a hot tub." "Really, what happened?" "Yada, yada, yada." "Just some bad egg salad." "I'll be right back." "Nice girl." "Lovely." "I notice she's big on the phrase, "Yada yada."" "Is "yada yada" bad?" "No, "yada yada"'s good." "She's very succinct." "She is succinct." "Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today." "Hey." "Hey, Tim." "George, you know Tim Whatley." "Yeah, dentist to the stars." "What's up?" "I'll tell you what's up." "I'm a Jew." "Excuse me?" "I'm a Jew." "I finished converting two days ago." "Oh, well, welcome aboard." "Thanks." "So I'll see you tomorrow?" "Yeah, I have a cavity, lower left." "Hey, were you just at the health club?" "Oh, yeah." "We must have just missed you." "Oh, well, I didn't do much." "I just sat in the sauna." "You know, it was more like a Jewish workout." "I'll see you." "[###]" "Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days." "He's already making Jewish jokes." "So what?" "When someone turns 21, they usually get drunk the first night." "Booze is not a religion." "Tell that to my father." "Anyway, guess what." "Beth Lookner called me." "Ooh." "Beth Lookner." "I'm still waiting out that marriage." "What are you talking about?" "That marriage ended six months ago." "She's already remarried." "Where was I?" "It was when you were engaged." "Oh, I gotta get on that Internet." "I'm late on everything." "Anyway, so Beth and her new husband, Arnie, have listed me as a reference for an adoption agency." "They're trying to get a baby." "Oh, God, a baby." "That can add two years to a marriage." "Hey." "Elaine, all right." "Who looks better in this shirt, me or Mickey?" "We're double-dating tonight." "If we wear the same shirt, we'll look like idiots." "Hmm." "Turn around." "Well, you're both so striking." "Yeah, tell me about it." "We just picked up two women at The Gap." "How did you decide which one of you would date which girl?" "[###]" "So I'm on Third Avenue, minding my own business and yada, yada, yada." "I get a free massage and a facial." "Wow." "What a succinct story." "So I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac." "Oh, it's not mine." "It's my mother's." "Oh." "Are you close with your parents?" "Well, they gave birth to me and yada, yada." "Yada what?" "Yada, yada, yada." "[###]" "It's a nice place." "Really nice." "I like your shirt." "Oh, thank you." "It's a hundred percent cotton." "And some wool." "Well, you two seem to have the same taste." "Well, I like it too." "Oh, well, I have the same shirt." "Yeah, well, I'm wearing it." "Well, I like your shirt too." "Oh." "Well, so do I." "Oh." "Did I mention I'm a serious actor?" "Really?" "I enjoy polo." "I like the beach." "My aunt has been ill of late." "I own a tuxedo." "Anything to drink?" "Some wine, perhaps?" "I like merlot." "I love merlot." "I'm crazy about merlot." "I live for merlot." "We're out of merlot." "[###]" "We'll clear out so you can do your interview." "Okay." "Make us sound good." "Oh, come on." "Bye." "Bye, Beth." "Bye, Arnie." "Bye." "Nice people." "So do you know Beth and Arnie pretty well?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Do you socialize with them often?" "Yeah, yeah, we go out to dinner a lot, usually Chinese." "Well, sometimes Thai." "[BOTH CHUCKLING]" "And we go to the movies." "Arnie's a real film buff." "Uh-huh." "Actually, I remember this one time." "This is funny." "[CHUCKLES]" "We went to see the movie Striptease." "I don't know if you've seen it." "It doesn't matter." "Anyway." "And it was during the opening credits, you know, it was before the movie had even started." "And I was whispering something to Beth, and Arnie leans over to me and he goes, "Would you shut up?"" "I mean, he barely even knew me." "Where did he get off...?" "But they're great people." "[###]" "Oh." "You're in here." "What are you doing here?" "I knew you had an appointment." "Well, this is very awkward." "I'll leave when the guy comes in." "Hey, I gotta tell you." "I am loving this yada yada thing." "You know, I can gloss over my whole life story." "Look at that." "Hey, don't play with that." "That's going in my mouth." "What is this thing?" "Whoo!" "Oh, hey." "All right." "That's enough." "Just get going." "Get out of here." "All right." "Hey, Tim." "Oh, quick question." "Hey." "Is it normal for your teeth to make noises, like a hissing or a chirping?" "George." "Uh..." "Fine, I'll make an appointment." "All right." "It is cavity time." "Ahh." "Ahh." "Here we go." "Which reminds me, did you hear the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter, huh?" "[MUMBLES]" ""Those aren't matzo balls."" "[MUMBLES]" "What?" "Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?" "Why not?" "I'm Jewish." "Remember?" "I know, but..." "Jerry, it's our sense of humour that sustained us as a people for 3000 years." "Five thousand." "Five thousand, even better." "Ahh." "Ahh." "Okay." "Chrissy, give me a shtickl of fluoride." "[###]" "And then he asked the assistant for a shtickl of fluoride." "Why are you so concerned about this?" "I'll tell you why." "Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "WOMAN:" "Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?" "Yes." "Well, I don't believe that." "If you had gotten in the back seat, we could've figured this whole thing out." "Well, why were you holding the door open for?" "Not for you." "Who holds a door open for a man?" "Well, I thought it was a nice gesture, but I guess I was wrong." "Let's just put their names in a hat." "I don't even know their names." "Look, why don't you just take the one that was on the left?" "I'm not sure she's my type." "Oh, everybody's your type." "What the hell does that mean?" "You've been married three times." "That's it." "It's go time." "All right." "Take it easy." "Easy, easy." "Hey, hey, hey!" "No, come on, let him go." "You wanna throw?" "Let's throw!" "Hey, hey!" "Hold on a second." "All right, look." "I got an idea." "Why don't you just show up early for your next date, sit across from each other and see who the girls sit next to." "That's not bad." "All right, so we let the girls decide." "Yeah, why should we knock ourselves out?" "I wanna wear that shirt next time." "No." "No one wears the shirt next time." "Right, because they already saw it." "We'll look like idiots." "[###]" "Well, we, uh..." "We were engaged to be married." "We bought the wedding invitations and, uh, yada, yada, yada." "I'm still single." "So, what's she doing now?" "Yada." "I get it." "I love talking to you." "Me too." "So speaking of exes, Mmm." "my old boyfriend came over late last night and yada, yada, yada." "Anyway, I'm really tired today." "[###]" "Beth, Arnie, hi." "What's up?" "Well, our adoption application was denied." "Really?" "The adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper." "Oh..." "So we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent." "Well, I..." "Uh..." "You know, I just told them what kind people you are and how Arnie's a big movie buff and yada, yada, yada." "That is it." "[###]" "How you doing?" "I have some discomfort in my molar." "You like Tootsie Rolls, don't you?" "Father Curtis, why don't you come in?" "Father Curtis, good guy." "Oh, which reminds me." "Did you hear the one about the pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat, hmm?" "Huh?" "I'll tell you later." "Whatley." "[###]" "What are they doing here?" "I told you we should've gotten here a half-hour early." "All right, all right." "Okay, now what are we gonna do?" "All right, all right." "Don't panic." "Let's just decide now." "Which one do you want?" "All right, I'll take Julie." "I knew you wanted her." "That's who I wanted." "All right, I'll take Karen." "No, no." "You think I'm falling for that?" "I'll take Karen." "Fine." "I'll take Julie." "All right." "Which one is Julie?" "I don't know." "Why don't we just grab a chair?" "You first." "No, you first." "How you doing?" "Good evening." "Stop." "Well, you ladies look lovely tonight." "[###]" "So Whatley says to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes." "I used to be Catholic."" "Now, see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke." "I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke." "What was it?" ""No, I said, 'Hand me the buoys."'" ""Buoys."" "Don't you see what Whatley is after?" "Total joke-telling immunity." "He's already got the big two religions covered." "If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him." "So, what are you gonna do?" "I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the pope doing with Raquel Welch." "Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine." "Um..." "Thought you guys might wanna have lunch." "Give me a call." "Bye." "They're not getting a baby, so you're taking them to lunch." "I thought it would be nice." "Poor Beth." "Hey, Arnie's just as upset." "Oh, screw him." "Listen to this." "Marcy comes over and she tells me that her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "Yada, yada, yada, I'm really tired today."" "What do you think she's tired from?" "Well, obviously the yada yada." "You don't think she'd yada yada sex?" "I've yada yada-ed sex." "Really?" "Yeah." "I met this lawyer." "We went out to dinner." "I had the lobster bisque." "We went back to my place." "Yada, yada, yada," "I never heard from him again." "But you yada yada-ed over the best part." "No, I mentioned the bisque." "Well, I gotta do something." "Well, I gotta do something." "George is already in there." "No, Mickey and I. We can't work it out." "You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself." "She's the one." "I thought you were leaning toward Julie." "Well, I was." "But the one I thought was Julie turned out to be Karen." "[INDISTINCT NOISES]" "GEORGE:" "Well, it was a hell of a yada yada." "He's moving to Seattle." "He wanted to say goodbye." "I was just getting out of the shower and yada, yada, yada..." "All right." "Enough." "Enough." "From now on, no more yada yadas." "Just give me the full story." "Okay." "Well, when I got out of the shower, I was dripping wet..." "Not that story." "Another story." "Tell me about the free facial." "Okay, well, like I said, I was on Third Avenue, and I stopped by a large department store." "Which one?" "Bloomingdale's." "Very good." "Go on." "And..." "Oh, I stole a Piaget watch." "What's that?" "And then I was on such a high that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor and got a massage and a facial and skipped out on the bill." "[LAUGHS]" "Shoplifting." "Well, what about you?" "You told me that you were engaged." "What was the rest of that?" "[###]" "[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]" "Um, excuse me, Mother?" "Sister." "Sister." "Right." "Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours?" "Well, not until tomorrow." "I really need to speak with him." "You know, that's a kneeler." "Oh." "Tell me your sins, my son." "Uh..." "Well, I should mention that I'm Jewish." "Oh, that's no sin." "Oh, good." "Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley." "I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes." "And this offends you as a Jewish person?" "No, it offends me as a comedian." "And it'll interest you to know that he's also telling Catholic jokes." "Well..." "And, I mean, they're old jokes." "I mean, the pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat." "I haven't heard that one." "Oh..." "Oh, I'm sure you have." "They're out on the ocean and yada, yada, yada and she..." "And she says, "Those aren't buoys."" "[LAUGHING]" "Father." "One second." "Well, if it would make you feel better, I could speak to Dr. Whatley." "I have to go back and have a wisdom tooth removed." "Good luck." "You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don't you?" "Um..." "Newer magazines." "That's funny." "Now if you would excuse me." "Jerry, I gotta talk to you." "[###]" "[DOORBELL BUZZES]" "KRAMER:" "Hey." "Hi, Kramer." "Uh..." "Got a minute?" "Uh, actually, my parents are over, but would you like to meet them?" "Yeah." "Uh, Mom, Dad." "Oh." "Hi." "[###]" "Elaine, I have to ask you about something." "What?" "The yada yada." "Yada yada?" "What exactly happened down there?" "Well, I don't know." "I mean, I talked to him and blah, blah, blah." "He asked about you guys and:" "More questions." "Blah, blah, blah." "All right." "Shut up." "Shut up?" "Again you are telling me to shut up?" "What?" "You yelled at me that time at the movies." "That's why you're not getting the baby." "And you told that to the adoption guy?" "Slipped out." "Oh, God." "What am I gonna tell Beth?" "Well, Arnie, look, I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and I'll make sure that it all gets straightened out." "Just don't screw it up this time!" "See, again you're yelling." "Not a fan of the yelling." "[###]" "Are you about done?" "Oh, I'm just getting warmed up." "Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines." "Huh?" "Father Curtis told me your little joke." "I really didn't appreciate it." "Well, what about all your Jewish jokes?" "I'm Jewish." "You're not a dentist." "You have no idea what my people have been through." "The Jews?" "No, the dentists." "You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession." "Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?" "[###]" "So I'll..." "I'll see you tonight, huh?" "Okay." "Date with Karen?" "No, Julie." "She's the one." "What happened to Karen?" "Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common." "You know her parents are little people?" "Oh, small world." "So little people can have "non-little-people" children?" "Oh, yeah, and vice versa." "Yeah, Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry." "So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today." "It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended." "Those people can be so touchy." ""Those people." Listen to yourself." "What?" "You think that dentists are so different from me and you?" "They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream." "Whatley's from Jersey." "Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American." "Kramer, he's just a dentist." "Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite." "I am not an anti-dentite." "You're a rabid anti-dentite." "Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs:" ""Hey, denty."" "Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools." "They do have their own schools." "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "[###]" "Oh, come on." "One little baby, whatever you have in stock." "Miss Benes, please." "Lookit, lookit, Brian." "These people are getting a baby, period." "Now, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the fun way." "[###]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you." "But you always said that you'd be there for me." "Well, what's wrong?" "I'm thinking of leaving Arnie." "Talk to me." "He met with Elaine, and I asked him what happened." "And he yada yada-ed me." "Could they be having an affair?" "Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody." "But we just got married." "Well, obviously, that was a mistake." "You need to forget about Arnie." "The important thing is you're moving on." "Why would Elaine do that to me?" "Forget about Elaine." "Let's just focus on us." "Come on, big hug." "Hey, Jerry." "Where's Kramer?" "I've got exciting news." "I'm in the middle of something." "Karen and I getting married." "Oh, congratulations." "Her marriage just fell apart." "How many is that for you?" "Two." "You're a lightweight." "Come on, honey." "[###]" "This church give you any ideas?" "Hey, Jerry." "Hey." "What are you doing here with Beth?" "Beth and Arnie broke up." "So they don't want a baby?" "Pssh." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Hey, where's Marcy?" "She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and yada, yada, yada, I'll see her in six to eight months." "Hey, Kramer, over here." "I'd just as soon not sit next to you." "Kramer." "Look, there's Mickey and his parents." "ELAINE:" "Oh, a nice-looking family." "JERRY:" "Very handsome." "How you doing?" "Hey, Kramer." "You must be so proud." "We never thought he'd settle down." "Well, not again." "Oh, Mickey." "Excuse me." "I can't take this." "Hi, Mr. Abbott." "That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S." "Tim Whatley was one of my students." "And if this wasn't my son's wedding day," "I'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard." "What was that all about?" "Oh, I said something about dentists, and it got blown all out of proportion." "Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?" "What?" "A dentist." "That's a good one." "Yeah." "Dentists." "Yeah, who needs them?" "Not to mention the blacks and the Jews." "[###]" "[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]" "Where's Beth?" "She ran out to get her head shaved." "[IN MUFFLED VOICE] We are gathered here today to unite this couple in the bonds of holy matrimony." "Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out." "Marriage is not an institution to be entered into lightly." "Yada, yada, yada." "I pronounce you man and wife." "[MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS]" "I really wanted you." "[###]" "Excuse me." "Be with you in a minute." "No, you should have come last night." "It was fun." "Um, I just have a question." "I know." "The margaritas in that place are so strong." "Hello." "I'd like to buy these huaraches." "So, what else is going on?" "Hey!" "Listen, I'll call you back." "Yes?" "What can I do for you?" "Nothing." "You just lost a customer." "[###]" "Ready to go?" "I don't wanna miss the previews." "Me neither." "I love the previews." "In fact, I enjoy being the theatre cutup." "Last week after a preview, I yelled out, "Must miss!"" "I think that I was in that theatre." "That was really funny." "Yeah, I got a good laugh." "Let me just check my messages before we go." "Okay." "[###]" "GEORGE:" "So you're on the speed dial?" "After two dates." "What number?" "Seven." "You know, it's a pain to change that." "You've got to lift up that plastic thing with a pen." "Oh, hey, buddy." "Hey." "Is it all right if I keep these here for a while?" "I'm having a New Year's Eve party." "You're gonna keep these here for eight months?" "No, Jerry." "New Year's Eve, 1999, the millennium." "I told you about that." "Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs here for two and a half years?" "You're not gonna see them." "I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna keep in front of them." "Hey, so get this." "I got a call this morning from one of the Mets' front-office guys." "They want to take me out to lunch." "What for?" "I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry." "They probably want to pick my brain." "Really, why do you think they're taking you out to lunch?" "I have no idea." "All right, I have had it with those Mayans." "I don't mind the Mayans." "You know that store, Putumayo?" "I was trying to buy these huaraches, right, and this saleswoman just completely ignored me." "Are we talking huaraches?" "I know a great store for huaraches." "No, no, not Putumayo." "No, no, Cinco de Mayo." "Yeah, Marcelino, he turned me onto it." "And he's 1 l64 Mayan." "You know, I'm starting to get a little nervous about this lunch." "What did you have?" "Keep these here too, huh?" "They'll be all right." "Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled until New Year's." "Oh, those aren't for New Year's." "Those are my everyday balloons." "[###]" "George, we'll be blunt." "The Mets need somebody to head up scouting." "And we think that someone might be you." "Head of scouting?" "Interested?" "I'm still here." "Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent us from making you an offer while you're still under contract." "Do you understand what we're talking about?" "So you're talking...?" "No, no." "We're not talking." "We're just talking." "So you need me to get fired?" "We didn't say that." "We couldn't say that." "Because even if we did..." "We couldn't say that we said it." "You see what we're saying?" "But you are still paying for this lunch?" "We didn't say that." "[###]" "Hi." "Sorry I'm late." "There's a lot of chairs and balloons in my apartment." "How about I make it up to you with dinner?" "Someplace nice this time?" "Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night." "I had heard good things." "I don't know." "It got a two in Zagat's." "Let me just check my messages." "Maybe a nicer girl called." "WOMAN:" "Hello." "Hello?" "Who's this?" "Jane." "What number did you dial?" "JERRY:" "Seven." "[###]" "Hey!" "See these?" "Cinco de Mayo." "Sales commission, bye-bye-o." "[###]" "[SINGING "MEET THE METS"]" "Good meeting?" "There was no meeting." "But it was quite a meeting." "You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting." "The only thing is I have to get fired from the Yankees first." "You can do that." "GEORGE:" "Of course." "But I really want to leave my mark this time, you know?" "I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying:" ""Wow!" "Now, that guy got canned."" "So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence." "Yeah." "Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled my feet in the soft-serve machine?" "Think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000?" "Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?" "So, George." "Yeah." "I had, like, a so-so date with Valerie." "Now I'm number nine on the speed dial." "So?" "So I used to be seven." "I dropped two spots." "What?" "She's ranking you?" "Yeah, the speed dial's like a relationship barometer." "What is a barometer exactly?" "It's pronounced "thermometer."" "You know, in the year 2000, we'll all be on speed dial." "You just have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you." "It'll be like, "I'm getting a call here." "Oh, hey, it's Newman." "Hey, how you doing, Newman?" "[MOUTHING] I'm not here." "Oh, you want to talk to Jerry?"" "[###]" "Flowers." "You didn't have to do that." "I mean, the dinner and the play and the hansom cab ride." "Well, I just wanted to..." "You forgot the gift certificate to Barnes  Noble." "Oh." " you know, make a good impression." "I'm gonna go put these in some water." "I like the way you think." "Oh, my God, number one!" "Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard." "[###]" "Sorry I'm late, but look what I found in the Yankee Hall of Pride display case." "Isn't that Babe's Ruth uniform?" "Is it?" "Strawberries, anyone?" "Ah, it's good." "Juicy this time of year." "Gotta get the good ones." "Oh, that's bad." "That's bad." "[###]" "KRAMER:" "So, Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together." "Will people be able to breathe underwater in the year 2000?" "Some of us." "I don't want to exclude anybody." "Hola." "Shove it." "What is all this?" "I got all of this junk at Cinco de Mayo because I was trying to show Putumayo how much business they'd lost." "I mean, I've been dancing and strutting in front of their store for two days." "Oh, no wonder we're getting so much rain." "Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date." "Hey, you know what?" "Newman sent me an invitation already to his party." "Newman?" "Yeah." ""Come celebrate the millennium with 'Newmannium."'" "Newman." "[###]" "Hi, Valerie." "You're not Valerie." "I'm her stepmother." "Drive." "It's taken me 13 years to climb up to the top of that speed dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you." "But I never..." "You just stay away from that phone." "[###]" "GEORGE:" "You wanted to see me, sir?" "STEINBRENNER:" "I heard about what happened at the meeting this morning." "Oh, yes." "I already packed up my desk, sir." "I could be out of here in an hour." "And I have to tell you it's exactly what this organization needed." "We wanna look to the future, we've gotta tear down the past." "Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man with little-girl legs." "And here's something I just found out recently." "He wasn't really a sultan, huh?" "What do you make of that?" "Hey, check this out." "Lou Gehrig's pants." "Not a bad fit." "Hey, you don't think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you?" "Better take them off." "I'm too important to this team." "Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching." "Hey, how about some lunch?" "What are you going for?" "[###]" "You know, Valerie, I couldn't help but notice that I'm on your speed dial." "You deserve it." "But I can't help thinking that maybe there's someone in your life who deserves it more." "Someone you've known, you know, more than a week." "My stepmother got to you, didn't she?" "What?" "No." "I can't believe she did this again." "That's it." "She's off the speed dial completely." "Yikes." "[###]" "Well, I just got your invitation to the Newmannium party." "You just got it?" "Damn, the mail is slow." "You knew I was having a millennium party, but you just had to throw yours on the same day." "I have done nothing unethical." "Well, you're gonna have to cancel it, because I've told everybody about my party." "Cancel?" "Think again, long shanks." "I started planning this in 1978." "I put a deposit down on that revolving restaurant that overlooks Times Square." "And I booked Christopher Cross." "Well, what am I gonna do?" "I've got over 200 folding chairs and quite a bit of ice." "What kind?" "Cubed." "That's good stuff." "And you can never have too much ice." "All right, I'll tell you what I'll do." "You can co-host the party with me under one condition." "No Jerry." "Jerry is not invited." "I got to invite Jerry." "He's my buddy." "That he may be, but he's out of my life starting in the year 2000." "For me, the next millennium must be Jerry-free." "[###]" "JERRY:" "How could they not fire you?" "Never thought I'd fail at failing." "Oh, come on, now." "Feel like I can't do anything wrong." "Nonsense." "You do everything wrong." "Everything?" "Everything." "You really think so?" "Absolutely." "I have no confidence in you." "All right." "I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again." "That's the spirit." "You suck." "I know." "[###]" "No, no, no, listen to me." "I work in fashion." "Together we can drive Putumayo out of business and make Cinco de Mayo, numero uno de Mayo." "Do you need some help with something?" "You?" "What are you doing here?" "I own this store." "No, you don't." "You own Putumayo." "Unless you own both stores." "I'm Gladys Mayo." "This really sticks in my craw." "[###]" "Well, Mrs. Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched things up so we could all get together like this." "Where is Valerie?" "I'm sure she'll be along." "Have some wine, Jerome." "Okay." "You know, Jerome, I can understand what Valerie sees in you." "So attractive, so strong, so comedic." "Mm." "Good." "Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty idea." "What?" "Why don't I put you on my speed dial?" "I don't know, Mrs. Hamilton." "That doesn't..." "Don't be such a child, Jerome." "How's number three sound?" "Valerie's not coming over, is she?" "Seven, four, two..." "No." "Stop." "Stop." "This isn't right." "What about Valerie?" "I won't tell if you don't." "Oh, my..." "[CHUCKLING]" "[###]" "Jerry." "Newman." "It's 2000." "Newmannium!" "Oh, Jerry." "[###]" "MAN [ON TV]:" "Yank ees 2, Orioles nothing." "Wait a minute." "A short, stocky, bald man is streaking across the field." "Oh, my God, George." "Now, check that." "He's not streaking." "He's wearing a flesh-toned body stocking." "Apparently he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no one seems upset." "Kramer, look." "It's George." "Everyone loves him." "Yeah, yeah, I know." "Listen, Jerry, I can't let you come to my New Year's party." "All right." "I mean, it's killing me." "Newman's got the jump on the invites and will crush me if I try to go it alone." "No problem." "You're right." "I won't do it without you." "Oh, I feel so ashamed I even thought of it." "Elaine, you can't go to Newman's Newmannium." "Okay." "No, no, no, you've got to spend" "New Year's 1999 with me and Jerry." "Fine." "Oh, come on!" "All right." "Yes, all right." "So it's you, it's me and it's Jerry, huh?" "Yeah, now things are starting to snowball, huh?" "I'll tell Newman I don't need him." "So I'll see you two in the 21 st century." "Okay." "Kramer." "Kramer, wait a minute." "Do you still have that pricing gun?" "Yeah." "Okay." "I need you to help me put Putumayo out of business." "Can do." "What are you doing with a pricing gun?" "That place is about to have the sale of the century." "Nothing over 99 cents." "Still a rip-off." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Hello." "I was just at my stepmom's house and I saw that you were on her speed dial." "Uh, well, she probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you." "[PHONE BEEPS]" "Hold on a second." "Hello." "Hi, Jerome." "Oh, Mrs. Hamilton, this is a very bad time." "I've got Valerie on the other line." "Just a second." "Hello." "That's her on the other line, isn't it?" "Well..." "I don't want you on her speed dial." "Hang on." "She knows about the speed dial, Mrs. Hamilton." "You gotta get me off this thing." "I won't until she puts me back on hers." "Hang on." "She wants to be back on yours." "Fine." "But only if you're off hers." "Hang on." "Fine, if I'm off yours." "No, still me." "Sorry, hang on." "Fine, if I'm off yours." "I won't do it." "It's my speed dial and I don't trust her." "Please, Mrs. Hamilton, this is very awkward for me." "All right." "I'll hide you in one of the emergency buttons." "Great." "Bye." "She said she'll do it." "Great." "[PHONE BEEPS]" "Hang on." "Hello." "Jerry." "I can't get fired." "Hey, Body-Suit Man, what's up?" "Hey, Body-Suit Man." "MAN:" "Hey, look at that." "Body-Suit Man." "MAN:" "Hey!" "[###]" "Hi." "[COUGHING]" "Hi, I'm H.E. Pennypacker." "I'm a wealthy American industrialist looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru." "And before I invest millions in a lucrative mine," "I'd like to go a little native." "Get the feel of their condiments, their unmentionables." "You know, the real gritty-gritty." "Well, let me show you what we have." "No, no, I think I can just browse around on my own." "Mm, Machu Picchu." "Are these free?" "Yeah." "[COUGHING]" "Some of those are women's clothes." "Oh, not a problem." "[PRICING GUN CLICKING]" "[###]" "Attention, Steinbrenner and front-office morons." "Your triumphs mean nothing." "You all stink." "You can sit on it and rotate!" "This is George Costanza." "I fear no reprisal." "Extension 5170." "[###]" "[BABBLING]" "Come on." "What is taking you so long?" "I broke the price gun, so I had to move to plan B." "Plan B?" "Yeah." "There is no plan B." "I took these out of every single garment in the store." "What?" "They're desiccants." "See, they absorb moisture." "These clothes won't last five years without them." "Oh." "That's not gonna do anything." "Patience." "All right, forget it." "What?" "You have screwed me again, Pennypacker." "Ladies, care for some chips?" "Well, I don't mind if I do." "Well, I've changed my mind." "I think I'm going to build a roller coaster instead." "[###]" "STEINBRENNER:" "I heard what you did in the parking lot, big boy, and it is inexcusable." "Personally insulting me, my staff." "I cannot believe that you, Body-Suit Man, could perpetrate such a disloyal deed." "It breaks my heart to say it." "Oh, who am I kidding?" "I love it." "You're..." "Wait!" "Wait, Mr. Steinbrenner." "George doesn't deserve any of the blame for what happened in the parking lot today, sir." "If there's anyone to blame here, it's me." "What are you talking about, Wilhelm?" "You popping pills?" "Got the crazies again?" "No, no." "No, no, sir." "I ordered George to drive around insulting people today because I'm tired of all your macho head games." "He's lying, sir." "I'm tired of all your macho head games." "Macho head games?" "He's just being loyal to me, sir." "Wilhelm, you're fired." "I owe you an apology, Body-Suit Man." "Streak on." "Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me." "I'm not going to the game today." "I'm going to go outside and scalp some tickets." "Owner's box." "That's gotta bring in 40 bucks, no problem." "Mr. Wilhelm, what was that?" "I wanted to get fired." "George, you are looking at the new head scout of the New York Mets." "[WILHELM SINGING "MEET THE METS"]" "[###]" "I don't know what Elaine is so upset about." "I mean, without desiccants, those clothes will be noticeably musty in five years." "She never sees the big picture." "[BANGING ON DOOR]" "Hello, Newman." "Hello, Jerry." "What did you say to Elaine?" "I just got her cancellation in the mail." "Oh, well, I guess she found someplace better to go." "Well, it's her mistake because she's going to miss the party of a lifetime." "Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warm and cuddly to kiss," "I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City." "All right." "Come back to my party, please." "Jerry too, of course." "You don't wanna do your act or anything, do you?" "No." "All right, then." "I guess I can accept a little Jerry if it gets me a lot of Elaine." "Deal?" "To the Newmannium." "To the "Kramennium."" "By the way, Newman, I'm just curious." "When you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium New Year?" "As a matter of fact, I did." "Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no year 0, the millennium doesn't begin until the year 2001, which would make your party one year late and thus quite lame." "Oh..." "[COUGHS]" "[###]" "I don't feel well at all." "I feel all dried-out inside." "I'll call for help." "Okay." "[PHONE RINGING]" "Hello." "Who's this?" "It's Jerry." "Who's this?" "It's Valerie." "Oh, hi, Valerie, what's up?" "I'll tell you what's up." "My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for Poison Control and I get you." "Wow, Poison Control." "That's even higher than number one." "Hello?" "[###]" "[###]" "Oh, hang on, let me just pick up a paper." "Excuse me." "Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?" "Yeah, no problem." "Let's go." "Well, I gotta watch this guy's bag." "For how long?" "I'm sure he'll be back in a second." "Nice stuff." "Come on." "Excuse me, sir." "Would you mind watching my bag for a second?" "Why?" "So I can stand here like an idiot, not knowing if you'll ever come back?" "Where are you going?" "I'm gonna be this guy's friend." "[###]" "[###]" "JERRY:" "New clothes?" "Yeah, I did some shopping." "Some new-clothes shopping." "Can I borrow your menu?" "Strange, for new pants there's noticeable wear on the buttocks of those chinos." "Wait, those are the clothes from the bag." "The guy never came back." "He asked you to watch them, not wear them." "I'm still watching them." "You look like a tourist." "All right." "Let me ask you something." "When do you start to worry about ear hair?" "When you hear, like, a soft rustling." "Puberty that never stops." "Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty." "You gotta be vigilant." "All right." "Let me ask you this:" "You know where Walker Street is downtown?" "I got a league meeting there." "Oh, right, the new job." "How is it?" "I love it." "New office, new salary." "I'm the new Wilhelm." "So who's the new you?" "They got an intern from Francis Lewis High." "His name is Keith." "He comes in Mondays after school." "Hi, Alex." "I'm sorry I'm late." "Have you ordered yet?" "No." "I'll be right back." "Where are you meeting these women?" "When they get off the bus at the Port Authority?" "Right here, George." "In here." "Try opening this up." "You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world." "Thanks." "Thanks a lot." "[###]" "Hey." "Hey." "Hi." "Where's Jerry?" "Well, he's in the shower." "You want me to get him?" "No, no, no." "Um..." "Actually, I kind of need to speak to you." "Oh, well, let's sit down." "Kramer, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book, and then he gave them back to you?" "Vaguely." "Well, um, I was kind of short on material and, uh, I put them in the book anyway." "You put my life stories in his autobiography?" "Kramer, listen, it is such a stupid book." "It doesn't matter." "No, no." "Sure it matters." "Wow." "I've broken through, huh?" "I'm part of popular culture now." "Listen, I'd like to thank Mr. Peterman." "He's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon." "Waldenbooks." "That's a major chain, huh?" "Hey, Jerry, I'm going to Waldenbooks." "JERRY [SCREAMING]:" "Oh, get out!" "Get out!" "I don't wanna live like this!" "All right, let's go, huh?" "[###]" "Mr. Lippman, how are you?" "How are you?" "Well, I'm not bad." "Not bad." "What are you doing here?" "I work for Pendant Publishing." "This is our book." "Oh." "If you can call it that." "Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now?" "Hey, buddy." "Remember me?" "You're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from." "Yeah, I'm just here to do my part." "What's your name, darling?" "Who are you?" "Oh, I'm, uh..." "Let me use your pen, will you?" " I'm the real Peterman." "All right, playtime's over." "Relax, man." "There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggly." "I can't believe somebody pulled the top off this muffin." "That was me." "I'm sorry, I..." "I don't like the stumps." "So you just eat the tops?" "Oh, yeah, it's the best part." "It's crunchy." "It's explosive." "It's..." "It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing." "[CHUCKLING]" "I'll tell you, that's a million-dollar idea right there." "Just sell the tops." "Okay." "Let's go, slim." "That's enough." "I have a right to be here." "Come on." "These are my fans." "Hey, you're hurting my elbow." "[###]" "Try looking up, hayseed." "You wanna sightsee, get on a bus." "WOMAN:" "Please don't think all New Yorkers are so rude." "Well, no, actually I'm..." "I'm Mary Anne." "I work for the New York Visitors Center." "Where are you visiting from?" "Little Rock, Arkansas." "Ooh." "[###]" "[HUMMING]" "Hmm." "That looks new." "[###]" "So get this:" "Peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing." "Like I'm some sort of maniac." "Yeah, that's too bad." "What's the matter with you?" "Nothing." "No, no, no, don't give me that." "I know you." "Something's wrong." "What is it?" "What happened?" "I did something stupid." "What did you do?" "Well, I was shaving, Yeah." "and I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair." "And I was trying to even it out." "And the next thing I knew:" "Gone." "Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there?" "Well, women do it." ""Well, women do it."" "Well, I'll tell you what." "I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just sashay your pretty little self around the town square." "Well, what am I gonna tell Alex?" "Now, you listen to me." "You don't tell anybody about this." "No one." "You hear me?" "Mm-hm." "Hey." "Hey, Jerry shaved his chest." "Hey!" "I forgot." "Wait, never mind." "[###]" "You couldn't pay me enough to ride a horse in this city." "It's hard enough to cross the street in a pair of sneakers, let alone six feet in the air on a jittery, glassy-eyed dinosaur." "How about the beach this weekend?" "Uh, well, you couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend." "I mean, it's hard enough to park..." "All right, all right." "Wow, is that a Mexican Hairless?" "I love those." "Oh, hairless." "This is where it's at." "It's so much smoother and cleaner." "Really?" "[###]" "Um, excuse me." "Are you eating a muffin top?" "Yeah, a muffin-top store just opened up down the street." "A muffin-top store?" "What did I just say?" "[###]" "ELAINE:" ""Top of the muffin to you"?" "[BELL DINGS]" "Top of the muffin to you." "Elaine." "Mr. Lippman?" "[###]" "JERRY:" "So you're pretending to be a tourist?" "It's beautiful." "She makes all the plans." "I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid." "And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy break-ups." "How do you explain your apartment?" "I got a hotel room." "You moved into a hotel?" "Well, I don't know anyone here, Jerry." "Where else am I gonna stay?" "So get this:" "We're in the park today." "Alex goes wild for this hairless dog." "So?" "So I figured since she likes one hairless animal, why not another?" "Oh, really?" "Yes." "You tell her you shaved it?" "Are you nuts?" "I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest." "[HONKING]" "Hey, Jerry!" "I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour." "Check it out." "[LAUGHING]" "Reality tour?" "The last thing this guy is qualified to give a tour of is reality." "[###]" "This was my idea." "You stole my idea." "Elaine, these ideas are all in the air." "They're in the air." "Oh, well, then, if that air is coming out of this face, then it is my air and my idea." "You want a muffin or not?" "Peach." "[###]" "So I've noticed you don't have much of an accent." "Yeah, my parents have it." "Sometimes it skips a generation." "So I was thinking maybe tonight we could go back to my hotel." "I got Spectra Vision." "First five minutes free." "Look, George," "I'm really enjoying spending time with you, but I'm not sure this is gonna work out." "At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken and your three-legged dog, Willy." "Willy, yeah." "And I'm still gonna be here." "Well, what if I told you I'm thinking of moving here?" "George, no offence, but this city would eat you alive." "[###]" "[###]" "You're moving to New York?" "That's fantastic." "I can see you all the time now." "Eat me alive, huh?" "We'll see who can make it in this town." "What is it she thinks you can't do?" "Find a job, get an apartment." "How did you do those things?" "Never mind, they're done." "All I have to do now is redo them." "You know, if you take everything I've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent." "Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?" "Here you go." "Here you go." "Check it out." "[CLICKS TONGUE]" ""The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour."" "I'm confused." "That Peterman book is big business." "People wanna know the stories behind the stories." "Nobody wants to go on a three-hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life." "I'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and dessert." "What's dessert?" "Bite-size 3 Musketeers." "Just like the real Peterman eats." "He eats those?" "No, I eat those." "I'm the real Peterman." "I don't..." "Wait a minute." "I think I understand this." "J. Peterman is real." "His biography is not." "Now, you, Kramer, are real." "Talk to me." "But your life is Peterman's." "Now, the bus tour, which is real, takes you to places that, while they are real, they are not real in the sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman, which is you." "Understand?" "Yeah, it's 37.50 for a 3 Musketeers." "[###]" "Elaine, I'm in over my head." "Nobody likes my muffin tops." "So?" "What do you want me to do about it?" "You're the muffin-top expert." "Tell me what I'm doing wrong." "Mr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendant Publishing," "I believed in you, you know, as a man of integrity." "But when I saw you in that paper hat and that apron..." "What if I cut you in for 30 percent of the profits?" "Deal." "Here's your problem:" "You're making just the muffin tops." "What do you mean?" "You gotta make the whole muffin." "Then you... pop the top, toss the stump." "Taste." "Hmm?" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "What do we do with the bottoms?" "Give them to a soup kitchen." "It's a good idea." "And one more thing." "Do you really think we need the exclamation point?" "Because it's not, "Top of the muffin to you!"" "No, no, it is." "[###]" "Hey, Jerry." "What's this?" "Lady Gillette?" "Oh, what's going on?" "Hey." "What?" "Jeez." "Can't I get a moment's peace?" "What are you doing to yourself?" "I can't stop." "Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless." "What?" "You can't keep this up." "Don't you know what's gonna happen?" "Every time you shave it, it's gonna come in thicker and fuller and darker." "Oh, that's an old wives' tale." "Is it?" "Look at this." "What is...?" "What is that?" "[SCREAMING] Look at it!" "Look at it!" "It's all me." "I shaved there when I was a lifeguard." "Oh, come on." "That's genetic." "That's not gonna happen to me." "Won't it?" "Or has it already started to happen?" "[###]" "Oh, look at this, we're cleaning up." "Oh, Reuben, get me another tray of low-fat cranberry, please." "[ELAINE LAUGHING]" "Excuse me." "I'm Rebecca DeMornay, from the homeless shelter." "Oh, hi." "Are you the ones leaving those muffin pieces behind our shelter?" "You've been enjoying them?" "They're just stumps." "Well, they're perfectly edible." "Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them?" "They'll eat anything?" "No, we just thought..." "I know what you thought:" ""They don't have homes." "They don't have jobs." "What do they need the top of a muffin for?" "They're lucky to get the stumps."" "If the homeless don't like them, the homeless don't have to eat them." "The homeless don't like them." "We've never gotten so many complaints." "Every two minutes:" ""Where's the top of this muffin?" "Who ate the rest of this?" We were just trying to help." "Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells?" "I think I might." "[###]" "MARY ANNE:" "I can't believe you found something so quickly." "How much are you paying?" "Twenty-three hundred." "Ouch, a month?" "Yeah." "Well, I guess that's all right for now." "But if you stay here more than a few months, you're a real sucker." "Yeah, well, I, uh..." "I got lots of other stuff to show you too." "Wait till you see the plum job that I landed, huh?" "Yeah, we should let this place air out anyway." "It smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something." "[###]" "KRAMER:" "Okay, coming up on the right, if you glance up, you'll just make out my bedroom window." "It's the one that's covered in chicken wire." "Hey, if you're the real Peterman, how come you're wearing those ratty clothes?" "What?" "Well, they're not very romantic." "Well, that's your opinion." "Can I have another 3 Musketeers?" "They're rather small." "Forget it." "Okay, Newman's postal route is around here somewhere." "MAN 1:" "Who's Newman?" "MAN 2:" "Who cares?" "Hey, fake Peterman, let me off." "I'm nauseous." "Can I have his candy bar?" "Everyone just settle down." "Okay, we got three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time." "Okay, Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here." "[###]" "JERRY:" "Why do I have to go on the tour?" "Jerry, you're a minor celebrity." "You know, if you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir." "You bring that little girlfriend of yours and I'll only charge you 60 bucks." "Hey." "Hey." "How's business?" "Oh, I got stump trouble." "The sanitation department won't get rid of them all." "I can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week." "Meanwhile, I'm sitting on a mountain of stumps." "All right." "I gotta hose the puke off the floor of the bus." "Bus?" "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Bus?" "You got a bus?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "You got any room on that thing?" "Yeah, there are a few seats still available." "Do you think you could transport some stumps for me?" "I'll make it worth your while." "Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back." "No, they don't." "Are they war veterans?" "[###]" "MARY ANNE:" "Wow, this is your office?" "Oh, hello." "Sorry, George, didn't know you had a girl in here." "Leave a signal on the doorknob, like a necktie or a sock or something." "Come on, help me out." "Mr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken like our boy George here." "Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?" "Yes, very nice for her to have met you, sir." "Wait a minute, George." "Be right with you." "Look, Mr. Steinbrenner..." "Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken." "Pretty impressive, George." "Days with the New York Yankees and nights in Arkansas with a top-flight bird outfit." "And a hen supervisor, to boot." "I am blown." "Blown away." "Blown, George." "Blown!" "[###]" "You know, when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnamon raisin." "You also shouldn't use a doughnut." "[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING]" "All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour." "MAN [ON TAPE]:" "Turn music off." "Kramer, can we just go?" "And go we will." "What is this?" "Pizza pound cake?" "Well, we have a bonus ultra-reality stop today." "We're gonna be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository." "We're going to a garbage dump?" "And we're off." "You know, I never thought he'd be able to re-create the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close." "[###]" "Don Tyler?" "George Steinbrenner here." "I wanna talk about George Costanza." "I understand he's been dividing his time between us and you." "I cannot have that." "Well, I don't know who he is, but if you want him that bad, I'm not giving up that easy." "Oh, is that so?" "Playing a little hardball, huh, Donny boy?" "How about this:" "You give me Costanza." "I convert your concessions to all chicken, no charge." "Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs." "Instead of pretzels, chicken twists." "Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken." "How do you make alcoholic chicken?" "They ferment, just like anything else." "That stuff sounds great." "All right, I'll have Costanza on the next bus." "[###]" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Where do you think you're going?" "Well, I was gonna dump this." "It doesn't look like garbage." "Well, it's muffin stumps." "Where are the muffin tops?" "This is a garbage dump." "Just let me dump it." "Can't do it." "Is this a joke?" "That's what I like to know about it." "You have a pretty heavy beard, don't you?" "What's that?" "Look, it's almost time for you to shave." "Oh, yeah." "[SHOUTING] Well, maybe I will take it up with Consumer Affairs!" "Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for an additional treat." "We're going to extend the tour at no extra charge." "Where are we going?" "I don't know." "No more questions." "[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING]" "[INAUDIBLE]" "[VOMITING]" "[###]" "[HORN HONKS]" "So the New York Yankees traded you for a bunch of Tyler Chicken?" "Dogs, twists, some kind of fermented chicken drink." "Hey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch my clothes?" "What clothes?" "These clothes." "The ones you're wearing." "[###]" "[BRAKE CLICKING]" "Kramer, how much longer?" "What?" "My chest hair's growing back, and it's itching me like crazy." "I can't let her see me scratch it." "Well, don't worry." "I got a good feeling about this dump." "I tell you, man, I'm losing it." "[###]" "I can't sit on this bus anymore." "[DOG BARKING]" "I think I'll go play with that dog." "[YELLING] I don't know where the tops are." "[###]" "Jerry, what's the matter?" "[HEATBEAT BEATING}" "[HOWLING]" "Ooh, that feels good." "[###]" "Oh, hey, you looking for George?" "Yes." "He's been in the bathroom a while." "You might wanna check on him." "Jerry, you gotta bring me some clothes down here." "I lost my job with the Yankees." "I'm standing in a men's room on 43rd Street in my underpants." "I told you this city would eat you alive." "And I think my relationship's in trouble." "[###]" "What is this guy again?" "They call him a cleaner." "He makes problems go away." "[###]" "Hello, Elaine." "Where did you get the car?" "It's a rental." "Where are they?" "In the back." "All right." "I'm gonna need a clean eight-ounce glass." "What is going on here?" "If I'm curt, then I apologize." "But as I understand it, we have a situation here." "And time is of the essence." "[###]" "Mm." "[###]" "I can't believe the Yankees really fired me." "Well, you had a good run." "You took them to the World Series." "I gotta give the players most of the credit for that." "Don't sell yourself short." "You made all those flight arrangements, hotels, buses." "No, I don't know who was doing that." "So when you actually did work, what is it that you did?" "I'll tell you, they had a pastry cart you wouldn't believe." "Here we go." "Your latte." "Your cappuccino." "Maybe I should ask her out." "She is a good waitress." "It's true." "Maybe I'll take her to the Tonys." "You're going to the Tonys?" "Yeah, I wrote some jokes for the show and they gave me two tickets." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I know a million theatre jokes." "What's the deal with those guys down in the pit?" "They're musicians." "That's not a joke." "It's a funny observation." "Severance package?" "The Yankees are giving me three months' full pay for doing nothing." "They did it for three years." "What's another few months?" "I'm really gonna do something with these three months." "Like what?" "I'm gonna read a book, from beginning to end, in that order." "I've always wanted to do that." "I'm going to play Frolf." "You mean golf?" "Frolf." "Frisbee golf, Jerry." "Golf with a Frisbee." "This is gonna be my time." "Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin." "I proclaim this "The Summer of George."" "[INSECT BUZZING]" "[GEORGE MUTTERING]" "[GEORGE SHRIEKS]" "[###]" "[###]" "And then Peterman ate it." "I never told him." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Who is that?" "That's Sam, the new girl in Accounting." "What's with her arms?" "They just hang like salamis." "She walks like an orangutan." "Better call the zoo." "[CATERWAULS]" "What?" "[HISSES]" "Catty." "[###]" "ELAINE:" "It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases." "Like this?" "Yes, exactly." "That is so strange." "Right." "So why am I the one who gets:" "[CATERWAULS]" "You know, I mean, they were being just as catty as I was." "It's a double standard." "Oh, and what about ladies' night?" "Women admitted free before 10?" "That is so stupid." "[CATERWAULS]" "Hey, The White Shadow is on." "Boy, you're really packing it all in." "Jerry, my vacation has just started." "I need a day or two to decompress." "Besides, I did plenty today." "Like what?" "I bought a new recliner with a fridge built right into it." "Hey, Jerry, you got any TUMS?" "Stomach ache?" "I drank too much water in the shower." "Ah." "Top of the fridge." "Hey, George, I'm taking that waitress to the Tonys." "Shadow." "KRAMER:" "Oh, the Tonys?" "I'll see you there, buddy." "You're going to the Tonys too?" "Yeah, roger that." "Where are you sitting?" "Well, all over the place." "Yeah, I'm a seat-filler." "They don't like to see empty seats on TV." "So somebody gets up, I just park my caboose in their spot until they get back." "How did you get that job?" "Mickey." "Mickey, he hooked me up." "Yeah, he's a member of the academy." "What academy?" "Well, he didn't say." "[###]" "[KNOCKING]" "Hi." "Hi." "Nice tuxedo." "Thanks." "It's a breakaway." "Should we go?" "Absolutely." "Lyle, we're going." "All right." "Jerry, this is Lyle." "Hey, how you doing?" "Okay." "Bye." "Have a good time." "Thanks..." "Lyle." "[###]" "Are you leaving?" "Because I got you covered." "I'll just go ahead and get in there." "Just a minute." "What are you doing?" "My job." "What are you doing?" "They catch the two of us on TV, you might have a little explaining to do." "So you and Lyle are roommates?" "No." "Gay?" "What?" "Is he gay?" "No." "Are you sure?" "I think I would know." "This is a new one." "Turkey jerky?" "Go ahead, take a pull." "More for me." "ANNOUNCER:" "And the Tony for best musical is awarded to Scarsdale Surprise." "Lewis Maxtone-Graham, Douglas Ewing," "Benjamin London, Polly Kennedy, producers." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING ON TV]" "Kramer?" "Thank you and bless you all." "This truly has been a Scarsdale Surprise." "[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING ON TV]" "[###]" "SAM:" "Elaine, am I crazy?" "I just get the feeling that" "Dugan and the others are making fun of me all the time." "Well, you might wanna think about maybe moving your arms a little when you walk." "My arms?" "You know, sort of swing them, so you're not lurching around, you know, like a caveman." "I'm a caveman?" "No." "No, no, no, no, it's just that..." "Everyone told me what a catty shrew you were." "You're horrible." "[###]" "GEORGE:" "She had a dude?" "Yeah, when I went to pick her up, there was this dude." "How do you know it was her dude?" "What, you think it could've been just some dude?" "Sure, dudes in this town are a dime a dozen." "I reckon." "Or maybe she just wanted to go to the Tonys." "I tell you what." "Ask her out again." "No Tony, just Jerry." "That way you know if the dude is her dude or just some dude." "Dude." "Yeah." "All right, that's enough." "I gotta go home and take a nap." "It's 10:30 in the morning." "What can I tell you, I'm wiped." "So has the Summer of George begun, or are you still decomposing?" "Decompressing." "Well, good morning, gentlemen, and Tony says hello to you." "You didn't give that thing back?" "Jerry, it was a whirlwind." "They whisk us backstage." "The media is swarming." "Champagne is flowing." "Whoo!" "I can't describe how great it is to win." "That's because you didn't win." "Scarsdale Surprise." "That's the musical about the Scarsdale diet doctor murder." "Featuring the mind-blowing performance of Miss Raquel Welch." "You haven't even seen it." "Ah, Jerry, I'm not gonna let you bring me down off this high." "Eh?" "I've been partying all night." "I saw the sun rise at Liza's." "Minnelli's?" "No." "[###]" "Sam, listen." "I am so sorry about the other day." "No, don't apologize, Elaine." "I was thinking that maybe I should swing my arms a little bit more." "See, yeah, I mean, that's all I was saying." "How's this?" "Or this?" "Or this?" "Or this?" "Or this?" "Well... you seem to be getting the hang of it." "[###]" "[KNOCKING]" "Hi." "Sorry, I'm running late." "I just lost track of time." "No rush." "Hey, Jerr, what's up?" "I have absolutely no idea." "[###]" "[###]" "Can you believe she expected me to squire her around town while the dude sits at home in swaddling clothes?" "Do they make swaddling clothes for adults?" "It's like she split the role of boyfriend into two jobs." "Except the dude's playing the showroom and I'm stuck doing food and beverage." "Hey." "Who's that?" "It's Kramer." "Hey, Kramer." "George says hi." "Hi, George." "How's that Tony?" "Why don't you just come over here?" "Why can't I do this on the phone?" "What's Kramer doing now?" "He's looking in the refrigerator." "Kramer." "Anything good in there?" "Any Popsicles?" "I cannot do this." "So, what's George doing?" "He's not doing anything." "Goodbye." "So, listen, I'm gonna grab a bite to eat at Sardi's." "You wanna go?" "Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's?" "The Tony is taking me to Sardi's." "[KNOCKING]" "Oh, hello." "Well, I'm going." "Congratulations." "Well, thank you." "Thank you so much." "I have so many people I want to thank." "I don't want to forget anyone." "All right." "All right." "[PHONE RINGS]" "I said no." "Jerry, I just want to let you know Lyle and I are completely over." "I'd rather be with you." "Just me?" "No dudes or fellers?" "What do you think?" "I can start right away." "[PHONE RINGS]" "But not here." "JERRY [ON MESSAGE]:" "I'm not here." "Leave a message." "GEORGE [ON MACHINE]:" "Jerry, what's happening?" "Jerry, come on, pick up the phone." "[###]" "So I said to him, "Arthur, Artie, bubele, why does the salesman have to die?" "Change the title." "The Life of a Salesman." "That's what people want to see."" "LEW:" "Excuse me, Mr. Kramer." "My name is Lewis Maxtone-Graham." "I'm one of the producers of Scarsdale Surprise." "Oh, hey." "Yeah." "Lew!" "We need to talk." "[###]" "PETERMAN:" "Elaine, what did you want to talk to me about?" "This." "My office." "Sam trashed my office." "Well, I see what's going on here." "I am smack-dab in the middle of a good old-fashioned catfight." "Mr. Peterman, this is not a catfight." "This is violent, psychotic behaviour, directed at me, all because I told her to swing her arms." "Woof." "Do you mean:" "[CATERWAULS]" "Yes, that's the one." "Good day, Elaine." "Oh, no, please, Mr. Peterman." "She's crazy." "# Crazy for feeling #" "# So lonely ##" "[###]" "JERRY:" "I can't believe how much we did this afternoon." "I have a friend, today would be his whole life." "Now, what time are you picking me up tonight?" "Huh?" "You got reservations at Sfuzzi, didn't you?" "Oh, yeah, Sfuzzi." "I gotta do that." "Should I wear the outfit I bought today?" "Sure." "Which one?" "The one with the:" "[MUTTERS]" "If I'm gonna get my hair cut, I better go now." "Call me when you get home." "I won't be there, but leave a message so I know you called." "Okay." "Okay." "Do you mind?" "No, I'll grab them, yeah." "Hey." "I've done that today." "What?" "Did you lose your remote?" "No, cable's out." "What's with you?" "You look dead." "It's Lanette." "I need, like, an assistant or an intern or something." "Relationship intern, huh?" "Hey, what if the two of us teamed up?" "Not?" "No, no." "No, because that's..." "No." "Listen, we're always sitting here." "I'm always helping you with your girl problems." "You're always helping me with my girl problems." "Where do we end up?" "Here." "Exactly, because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves." "I'm trying." "I've tried." "We don't have it." "But maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man." "And each of us would only have to be, like, a half-man." "That sounds about right." "[###]" "We understand how excited you are to have this very, very prestigious award." "But you didn't have anything to do with the actual production." "No." "I'm afraid there is no way we can allow you to keep this Tony." "What?" "Unless..." "Anything." "Are you familiar with our star," "Raquel Welch?" "Oh, she's fantastic." "She's a train wreck." "There's a big tap-dance number just before Jean Harris leaves The Madeira School to confront Dr. Tarnower." "It is a gut-wrenching scene." "Yes." "But Raquel Welch doesn't move her arms when she tap dances." "It's very distracting." "There is a lot of this... in tap dancing." "So you'd like me to teach her how to dance?" "No, we want you to fire her." "[###]" "Why do they want you to fire Raquel Welch?" "Because they're terrified of her." "I heard from someone they cut one of her lines." "She climbed up a rope on the side of the stage and started dropping lights on people's heads." "A story like that's gotta be true." "She seems very nice." "Jerry, you're not in show business." "You don't know what these people are like." "I'm in show business." "Oh, come on." "What am I gonna do?" "She's gonna eat me alive." "Well, I got a tape of Fantastic Voyage, if you think that'll help." "I'll take it." "Jerry, that crazy straight-arm woman down at Peterman's trashed my office." "And then listen to this." "This is the message she left me." "SAM [ON RECORDING]:" "Elaine, I am going to find you." "If not in your office, then in the X erox room, or the small conference room next to the kitchen, or the kitchen." "I mean, she must have a blueprint of the building or something." "Did you tell Peterman about this?" "Well, I tried." "But he thought it was some sort of a catfight." "Catfight?" "Okay." "Why?" "Why do guys do this?" "What is so appealing to men about a catfight?" "Catfight." "Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other, there's a chance they might somehow kiss." "[KRAMER STAMMERS]" "[###]" "You got the tickets?" "Yeah." "Two for the 7: 15 of Lenore's Promise." "What, are you wearing a green sweater?" "I like it." "Lanette doesn't." "Here's your blue one." "It's her favourite." "What?" "Just put it on." "Oh." "All right." "Now, remember she got her nails done today, so remark on how you like the colour." "And if you need me, you beep me." "All right?" "Here, here, here." "There you go." "There you go." "All right." "Ah, ah, ah." "Go get them." "You're a tiger!" "Hey, George, one second." "She's having a party Friday night and she wants me to take care of the invitations." "A little notice would have helped." "How many people?" "Thirty-five." "And, George, on the invitations..." "Yeah, I know." "I know." "Don't skimp." "Go, go." "Right on time." "I like that." "I like your nails." "That is a great colour." "Love the sweater." "This old thing?" "[###]" "GEORGE:" "Hi, I need some party invitations." "Okay." "Have you been in here before?" "About a year ago." "Wedding invitations." "Right." "How did that all work out?" "No complaints." "Well, they're arranged according to price, and as I recall..." "Actually, I'll take these nice, glossy ones." "[###]" "WOMAN:" "You are a fraud, Dr. Tarnower." "You haven't even been to Scarsdale." "[KNOCKING]" "Miss Welch." "Hi." "Who are you?" "Well, I'm Cosmo Kramer." "I'm one of the producers." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello." "Sidney." "No." "No, I told you I don't want to do that." "If you bring it up again, I'll feed your genitals to a wolf." "Kids." "You're still here?" "Well, Miss Welch," "I do need to talk to you about a little problem regarding your performance." "What kind of problem?" "Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters vis-á-vis the fragmenting of the audience, due to cable television, carnivals, water parks..." "Out with it." "Well, you're fired because you don't use your arms when you tap dance." "You're like a gorilla out there." "I gotta go." "[BOTH GRUNTING]" "[###]" "MAN:" "A little help?" "Hey, Frolf?" "Yeah." "You know, we need a fourth for the back nine." "You want in?" "What's the deal with airplane peanuts?" "Yeah, sure." "Come on." "[###]" "JERRY:" "Well, I'm ready." "Let's towel it up." "Jerry, where are those invitations you were supposed to get?" "If they don't go out today, they're useless." "But we're in towels." "Jerry." "All right, one second." "He Frolfs, pssh, he scores!" "[PHONE RINGING]" "GEORGE:" "Hello." "George, where are those invitations?" "You were supposed to leave them with her doorman." "Did you shave your chest hair?" "No." "Did you at least pick them up?" "Yeah, yeah, super glossy, the best they had." "All right." "Well, get them over here pronto." "We're at towels here, George." "All right." "All right." "Keep your towel on." "What?" "It's a joke." "All right." "That's not bad." "Now get over here." "[###]" "[HUMMING]" "[GRUNTS]" "Ow." "SAM [ON RECORDING]:" " if not in your apartment, then in the laundry room, or the ATM in the building across the street, or the watch shop!" "Can't you do anything about this?" "I mean, this woman is a psycho." "[CATERWAULS]" "Look, just because I'm a woman doesn't mean..." "[BOTH CATERWAULING]" "I don't move my arms when I dance?" "That's my signature." "Would you just keep an eye out for this woman?" "She's about, I don't know, yay high, and she doesn't swing her arms when she walks." "What do you mean?" "Like this:" "[LAUGHING]" "What the hell is that?" "Are you making fun of my dancing?" "Aren't you Raquel Welch?" "You know who I am." "Now, what are you doing?" "Nothing." "I just wasn't moving my arms." "That's it." "You're going down." "ELAINE:" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ooh, catfight." "[ELAINE AND RAQUEL SCREAMING]" "[###]" "KRAMER:" "So how's George?" "I don't know." "They won't tell me anything." "Oh, jeez." "What's that?" "Tony." "What happened to you?" "Raquel Welch." "Yikes." "What happened to you?" "Raquel Welch." "The woman is a menace." "Yeah." "I bumped into her on the street." "It got pretty ugly." "A catfight with Raquel Welch." "[STAMMERING]" "My God, George." "I slipped on the invitations." "How's the towels?" "They're back on the rack." "Even with the two of us?" "I think we're still a man short." "Mr. Costanza... your legs have sustained extensive trauma." "Apparently, your body was in a state of advanced atrophy due to a period of extreme inactivity." "But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck," "I think there's a good chance you may, one day, walk again." "Well, that's good news." "Wow, invitations again." "[SCOFFS]" "Yeah, that's weird." "All right." "Well..." "Well..." "You want to grab some coffee?" "Yeah, coffee." "I'd like to get some coffee." "Okay." "JERRY:" "Mm-mm-mm." "This was supposed to be the Summer of George." "The Summer of George." "[###]" "[###]" "[WOMEN CHATTERING]" "[GRUNTING]" "Summer of George." "Swing them." "Swing them." "Right?" "Okay?" "Sort of swing." "Swing them." "Just swing them." "I can't do it." "Okay?" "It's hard." "Come on." "Okay?" "Here we go." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..." "There's still a little summer left."