"'I always thought Saint and Sugar hated each other.'" "It's not my fault you're a shit shag." "'But when we had to steal back some money from Sugar's dodgy ex, 'they worked together surprisingly well." "'Meanwhile, Stella and Nathan extended the hand of friendship 'to our new neighbours." "'I never knew they were so thoughtful.'" "One way or another" "I'm gonna find ya" "I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha" "One way or another I'm gonna win ya" "I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha" "One way or another" "I'm gonna see ya" "I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha" "One day, maybe next week" "I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha" "I will drive past your house" "I'll see who's around..." "OK, let's face it." "It's never easy living with your family." "THEY SCREAM" "Since when has that been there?" "'It's hard to keep the wilder aspects of your lifestyle secret.'" "Nathan!" "Hi." "Is she drunk?" "No, course not." "C'mon, Kizzer, let's go to bed." "'I guess there are some things 'your loved ones just don't need to see.'" "'Poor Nathan." "'All he ever wanted was a normal family.'" "You look like shit." "Are you wearing my mascara?" "No, it's Stella's." "I've been looking for that!" "I gotta go." "I've got sewing today." "So, Kim, do you wanna tell us what happened to you last night?" "'Best approach is to be straight.'" "I am really sorry, Nathan." "I forgot I was on those antibiotics." "I only had two drinks." "'Although that is tricky when the night 'in question was anything but...'" "Kim?" "I'm sorry, Dad, I've gotta go." "I'm late for college." "£400!" "What's that?" "Kim's therapy bill." "Blimey." "No, no, no, I'm gonna have words." "It'd be all right if she fixed something, but it's not like she's worked any miracles, is it?" "'OK, I'll admit that some of my wounds were self inflicted." "'But maybe it was time for Stella and Nathan 'to accept a little responsibility too.'" "So?" "It's um...all our fault." "Oh..." "We didn't have to pay £400 to hear that." "I think she might have a point." "She was asking me about our family values." "I couldn't think of any." " Well, I mean, we're here, aren't we?" " Is that enough?" "What values have we passed onto our kids?" "Why is Kim in therapy?" "Why is Matt..." "Matt?" "Speaking of which, do you think he'd like these?" "They're a bit tight on me." "'Every father has a limit." "Even Nathan.'" "Right, I have an announcement to make." "Just put your things down for a second." "Kim." "Thank you." "As a family we've been letting a few things slide lately, which is why from now on, I think we should spend some proper family time together." "Quality time where we listen, we care about one another." "Yes, Kim?" "Can we start it tomorrow?" "I've got to go see Saint tonight." "HE sighs" "As long as you're back by 1 1 , you've got college in the morning, and..." "'Well, what self-respecting teenage lesbian would prefer 'playing board games with her dad to a night at the CC?" "'" "Queers from arsehole to breakfast." "It's a gay club, Sugar." "Oh, surprise, surprise!" "And it's a free bar!" "Oh, so you made it!" "And here we are again in downtown Gayland." "Woo(!" ")" "That's right, Dorothy, you're not in Kansas any more." "It's Sugar, actually." "Delighted to meet you, Sugar." "Mark." "It is nice to see some guys in here, even if it is just window dressing." "It's working for me." "So, who've you got your eye on then?" "What, apart from you?" "Right, whose round is it?" "I'll go." "What's the story on Mark?" "He's my ex." "Your ex?" "Don't worry though, it was a long time ago." "Is he single?" " You don't fancy him, do you?" " Why not?" "He's hardly your type." "He's a fit, single, straightie in a gay bar." "How is that not my type?" "Well, he's not some dodgy gangster for a start." "Are you saying I'm not classy enough for him?" "He went out with Saint." "She works in a sex shop." "Yeah..." "She's got a degree." "(Saint) Thank you, darling." "Look at this." "She's a blonde Amazon, he's six foot two, enjoys working out." ""Would love to meet another couple who enjoy getting physical."" "Hm." "So hard to know if the descriptions are accurate." "Like that couple who said they were "adventurous"." "Oh." "And what about "Daddy cool"?" "He said he was "middle aged"." "Any more excitement and we'd have to call the funeral home." "We can't keep having these people around, this is a family home." "What, we should stop swinging?" "See ya." "So you're good, yeah?" "Fantastic." "I feel like a new man." "We can get you one of them next week." "No." "I think we should keep it separate from our family space." "And vet the ugly ones before we shag them." "There's got to be a way." "I'll do some research." "LOUD CRASH" "What time do you call this?" "Are you trying to ambush me?" "This will have to change." "We're a good decent family." "It's time we all started behaving like one." "'Yeah, a perfect family with perfect double standards.'" "OK, I'm sorry." "'Poor Nathan." "How could his family values campaign 'compete with my teenage lust?" "'" "Oi!" "So, are we gonna go back to your place?" "Oh..." "No, I've got a better idea." "Come on." "I'm not doing that here!" "Come here." "At least I wasn't the only one going al fresco." "Ah, Sugar sweet." "At your service." "Come on." "We've got to be quick." "Always watch the quiet ones, innit?" "OK, lead the way, Romeo." "So while I was getting down and dirty..." "GIGGLING" "Mark's tour of Brighton's architecture turned out to be...exactly that." "I usually get to know people better before we get into the kinky stuff." "OK, OK, stand still." "You're the boss." "A bit public, isn't it?" "The Brighton Pavilion." "I always thought it looked like a fancy curry house." "Hindu Gothic." "You've got an eye for style, Sugar." "It's been so long" "It's been so long, yeah..." "Staple student dinner." "So, have you got your own tour you could take me on?" "Oh, that might be dangerous." "I've been talking all day." "I hardly know anything about you." "Last year." "Just give me that and I'll drop it." "Nothing to tell." "There must be something." "I was studying, and now I'm looking for work." "Pretty dull." "End of story." "'So, what's he like then?" "'" "He's a really nice guy." "And?" "Not everything is about sex, you know." "So he's rubbish?" "No!" "We respect each other." "Can I kiss you good night?" "Good night, Sugar sweet." "I believe you, thousands wouldn't." "But it's all going OK, yeah?" "Yeah." "Good." "I'm glad things are all right." "What do you mean?" "Well, all that "I'm an architect."" "You know, I thought he might have a problem with prison." "Problem?" "God, Kizza, you're so old-fashioned." "He's totally cool with it." "'The problem with keeping everything nice and PG-rated 'is that it doesn't leave much room for the truth.'" "That looks complicated." "What's it for?" "I'm doing the gear for a swingers' party on Saturday night." "Mmmm, Playgroup." "Sounds kinky." "Swings and roundabouts, baby." "So what are you doing after that, say Sunday lunch?" "Why?" "I thought it would be nice if I could get to know her better." "Maybe invite her round for lunch on Sunday?" "Will there be Yorkshire pudding?" "So you'll come?" "Mmm, it's been ages since I had a Sunday roast." "OK, well there's..." "I kind of haven't told them about this stuff." "Oh, so I can't impress your parents with my encyclopaedic knowledge of the sex toy industry then?" "Don't even joke about it." "Look, Nathan likes to think he's all cool and down with the kids, but really he's very straight." "Have you booked the tickets yet?" "Right, take over love, and try B9." "I think that's his submarine." "'Fact - the one thing you can be sure of 'when people start talking about family values...'" "B9." "'..is they're usually talking about someone else's family.'" "Hello, is that the Playgroup?" "Yeah, can I confirm a booking for two for Saturday night, please?" "I'll be the one in lederhosen." "PHONE RINGS" "All right, skiver!" "Thanks for letting me do all the carrying myself." "Sorry I can't be there but all my rubber head masks got fucked up in transit and I've been desperately calling everyone to get another one." "I can set things up here." " 'Are you sure?" "'" " Yeah, no problem." "I'm a heterosexual male." "Self assembly is what I do." "KNOCKING" "All right, darling?" "Have a good day?" "What do you want, Stella?" "You see, your dad's right." "In normal families, people talk about their days all the time." "OK." "Mine was good." "Why have you got Matt's collar?" "That's it, I'm worried about your brother." "I mean, do you think he's been a bit odd lately?" "No more than he's been his entire life." "I think you could be a good influence on him." "I mean, when's the last time you spent any time with him?" "Like tonight, for instance." "I've made plans." "What is it?" "Well, I wasn't going to say anything..." "Well, it's for the family really." "A workshop." "Well, marriage counselling you could call it, I guess." "Oh." "So you and Nathan are giving the therapy another go?" "In a way." "I mean, you know how helpful that sort of thing can be, don't you?" "'I hate it when Stella does this.'" "PHONE BEEPS" "TV ON" "Oh, the sight of you two sitting there together..." "Maybe we should stay in?" "Oh, er, well, I'd love to, but I really think we should go to our group, think of the good it'll do for the family." "Yep, absolutely." "It's great that you two are spending quality family time together." "And besides, I'm quite looking forward to having Matt all to myself." "Yeah, well I think we'd better get going, Nathan." "Right." "So, I've left the pizza money with Kim and you've got our number if you need to call us." "Yeah, we'll be fine." "'Just recently I've learnt that money isn't everything...'" "Right." "There's the 20 from Nathan and 20 from me." "That's all I've got." "Oh, all right!" "But you know, red really doesn't suit you." "'..especially when you're my brother.'" "Yeah, I'll be there in a minute." "Yeah, you too." "'If you don't want your family to cramp your style, 'sometimes a little deception is justified." "'Matt would be happy enough at home, watching a video and eating a pizza." "'Doing whatever boys do.'" "'And, my parents will be at their therapy session, none the wiser.'" "Over there behind that stand, that's where I had my first kiss." "Down there on the shingles, that's where I had my first shag." "And the Waltzers, that's where I first became friends with Kim." "Oh, this is stupid." "No, it's very...you." "What, tits and arse out for the whole world to see?" "I was thinking more seaside princess." "Bold, bright and beautiful." "Bolshy and brassy more like." "That too." "That's why I like you." "You don't lie about who you are, that's pretty rare these days." "'When you care about someone, should you risk letting them 'see the real you?" "'" "I haven't finished my tour yet." "We can always go back to it." "This is part of it." "Great, I love it." "This is where I stabbed a bloke." "A year and a half ago." "He was attacking me." "So, it was self defence?" "Yeah, but the car theft, credit card fraud and fleeing the scene of an accident wasn't." "Right." "I haven't been studying." "I've been in prison for the last year and a half." "I didn't finish school." "I'm broke, on probation, I ain't got no skills, I quit my job at a candyfloss stall and I'm bludging off my best friend's parents because my mum left town and didn't tell me where she was going." "All I've got are the clothes on my back and a big mouth and... that's all I'm ever likely to have." "'OK, so I lied to my family to be here, but seeing my girlfriend smile 'always gives me the feeling that everything is right with the world..." "PHONE RINGS" "'..well, for a second anyway.'" "There's something wrong at the Playgroup party." "What is it?" "I'm gonna go and sort it out." "Can I come too?" "No, you should stay here." "It'll be boring without you." "Besides, I'm quite curious to see the place." "OK, but you have to stay outside." "Mmm." "Mmm." "'Some things should just stay private." "'Because once you tell your secrets, there's no taking them back.'" "You don't have to stay just to be polite, you know?" "You have to stay outside." "MOANS OF PLEASURE" "CRASH" "SCREAMING Oh, Nathan!" "Dad!" "Kim?" "Breast or thigh, Saint?" "I like white meat thanks, Nathan." "You have a really lovely home." "Thank you." "Would you like some gravy, Saint?" "Yeah, thanks." "'So, here we were, a nice, normal family..." "'Well, almost.'" "Ah, well isn't this lovely?" "Nothing like a proper family lunch, is there?" "I find myself out of life" "I lose control" "Of you, me, our soul" "And I will pull me through" "The better the taste" "The more I'm craving for" "A taste."