"( cheering )" "Come on!" "Come on!" "( cheering )" "Man on radio: ..." "Simpson of the United States puts the team representing the Free World four points ahead of the Iron Curtain team." "On this, the second day of the all-important three-day track meet, the West is making a strong comeback after a series of incredible accidents." "Accidents, my foot." "( bell rings, groaning )" "I'm sorry." "Did I hurt you?" "I think you broke my telephone." "Max, isn't there some chance they could have been accidents?" "lmpossible, 99." "KAOS knows that winning a track meet is more important to the United States than winning a war." "Besides, it's a lot cheaper." "We don't have to finance the losers." "I guess you're right." "The Chief certainly doesn't seem to think they were accidents." "He has enough CONTROL agents stationed through the stands." "Yes, and there are a lot of CIA agents around too." "CIA?" "What do they have to do with it?" "What do they have to do with it?" "They put half these athletes through college." " On both teams." " Hmm." "Man on radio: ...pole vault, Williams is ready for his third try." "The bar is set at 16 feet, 11 inches." "Hot dogs here." " Hot dog!" " How many?" "One without mustard." "Here, bud." "Oh, thank you." " Pass it." " Hmm?" "Oh." "Man on radio:" "A hush falls over the stadium as Williams starts his approach." "There he goes." "Too bad." "Ohh!" "Man on radio:" "Well, that leaves only two contestants in the pole vault" "Smith and Kazcachekowitz." "Oh, I hope Smith makes it." "You'd better hope Kazcachekowitz makes it." "He's on our team." "Smith is the Russian." "Man on radio:" "The bar will now be raised to 17 feet." "Smith is up first." "He's warming up now for his jump." "There goes Smith." "Smith missed." "Say, you ought to try one of these hot dogs." "They're delicious." "Max, look." "Kazcachekowitz is getting ready to make his try." "Yes." "If Kazcachekowitz makes it, we'll be ahead." " Do you think he can?" " Well, I don't see why not." "He's always cleared 17 feet before." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you." "Hot dogs, pennants." "Hot dogs." "Madam, may I interest you in a pennant?" "Do you have one I might like?" "I think I have one here that'll be a very good choice." "( whispering ) Be careful." "The whole stadium is simply crawling with CONTROL agents." "Man on radio:" "There goes Kazcachekowitz now." "( gunshot )" "Man on radio:" "It's incredible." "Kazcachekowitz seemed to clear the bar, but he didn't." "Max, there's something wrong!" "Thank you, but I don't think I'll buy one." "Hot dogs, pennants." "Wait a minute, 99." "Stay here." "I'll be right back." "Hey, you!" "No, I don't want a pennant." "I want a hot dog." "I bet it'll even taste better with the roll." "Hot dogs, yes." "Oh, give me a lot of relish and mustard." " Put everything on it." "The works." " The works, sir." "( crowd cheers )" "Hurry up." "I'm missing the hop, skip and jump." "Here you are, sir-- the works." "Thank you, sir." "( theme music playing )" "( tires screech )" " Max." " Hymie, what are you doing here?" "The Chief is looking for you." "He's waiting in the locker room." " Okay, let's go." " That sure looks good." " Oh, you like hot dogs, Hymie?" " Of course." "I may be a robot, but I'm an American robot." "Oh, well, that surprises me." "I mean, not that you're an American robot, but that you like hot dogs." "I thought the only thing you ever took was kerosene oil and an occasional quick charge." "It's the same old story-- nobody cares about a robot." "Just wind him up, turn him loose and grease him every 1000 miles." "Okay, Hymie, here." "Take the hot dog." " No, thank you." "I don't want it now." " Go ahead, take it." "I wouldn't take it if it was the last hot dog in the whole wide world." " Okay." " Is it?" " No!" " Then I'll take it." "Here, Hymie." "You forgot this." " How did it taste?" " Delicious." "Even the poison was good." " Poison?" " I am programmed to detect poison." "That was arsenic-- 8g, 2cc." " Are you all right, Hymie?" " Of course." "Arsenic is good for cleaning out my tubes." "I heard that." "Wait a minute." "That vender must've been a KAOS agent." " What did he look like?" " Well, uh," "He was, uh, uh... he was, uh... he was, uh..." "What did he look like, Max?" "Can you describe him?" "Well, he had a kind of a face like yours, Chief-- you know, nondescript, The kind you'd forget in a crowd." "Max, this is important." "Think." "All those accidents can have only one explanation" " CAD." "Of course!" "CAD!" "What's CAD?" "Hymie:" "CAD is a division of KAOS." "It stands for "Contrived Accident Division."" "Their two experts are Donald Snead and Mrs. Emily Neal." "And the one who sold you the hot dog must've been Snead, and you can't even describe him!" "Well, I may not be able to describe him, but I'll know him the minute I see him." " I certainly hope so." " Somebody help!" " What happened?" " I don't know." "O'Leary was taking a shower and he must've collapsed." "Well, I've heard of hard water, but this is ridiculous!" " Hymie, what are you doing?" " It's not the water, it's the soap." "The soap was poisoned." "It contains atropine." "O'Leary absorbed it through his pores while he was taking a shower." "He'll be all right as soon as I give him an injection of morphine." "Chief, we've got to stop KAOS." "What we need are more stringent protective measures and better organization." "You're right, Max." "I'm taking you off the case." "Good." "Taking me off the case?" "Why?" "What did I do wrong?" "What did you do right?" " I asked you first." " I'm putting Hymie in charge." "Oh." "Hymie?" "You can't put Hymie in charge." "Hymie is a robot." "He's nothing but a machine, a bunch of bolts and wires strung together in a metal body." " No one's perfect." " Hymie, you're the boss now." " You call the signals." " 93, 42, 61, 84..." "Hymie, why do you always take me so literally?" "What I mean is that you're in charge." "Now wait a minute, Chief." "I have my pride, and I'm not taking orders from a robot." "Max, remember, CONTROL is an equal-opportunity employer." "I don't feel that way about you, Max." "Some of my best friends are people." "I'm sorry, Hymie." "I keep forgetting you have a heart, even if it is a $10 gearbox." "That's enough, Max." "Now what are your plans, Hymie?" "According to my computer, we can win the meet if we protect Purvis in the mile run," "Schmidt in the discus throw and Moody in the high jump." "We must find someplace to keep them safe until tomorrow." " Where?" " I'll check with my computer again." "( whirring, beeping )" "Max's apartment." "My apartment?" "Forget it!" "I've got a date tonight, and I plan to use my apartment." "Max, what's more important to you, the honor of your country or a date?" " Max!" " Don't rush me, Chief." "I'm trying to think of a good argument for my country." "All right." "My apartment." "The main thing is secrecy." "We'll move them in tonight under cover of darkness." "( door opens )" "Everything's set?" "Mrs. Neal, I was magnificent, and I've arranged for some simply marvelous accidents to occur." "Good." "Any possibility of a failure?" "None whatsoever." "And for the piece de resistance," "I've added something rather special of my own." "I knew you would." "Mr. Smart always has one Gibson before dinner-- four parts gin, a touch of vermouth, and a pearl onion." "What he doesn't know is that he's using the famous Snead synthetic onion." "Yes, which combined with gin and vermouth will create a chemical reaction that will blow Mr. Smart and all the other occupants of the room into... well, shall we just say it will be a bit messy in there." "You are indeed a genius, Snead." "Max:" "Come on, fellas, this way." "I do beg your pardon, Mrs. Neal, but it is in the line of duty." "Of course." "I understand." "( knocking )" "Why are you knocking on the door, Max?" "Don't you live alone?" "Uh, yes, but I seem to have misplaced my key." "The key is in your hand, Max." "Why are you stalling?" "Forget it, Hymie." "You wouldn't understand." "Mrs. Neal, that was very very pleasant." " I agree, Snead." " Good." "Shall we, uh, push on?" "All right, gentlemen, just make yourselves at home." "You'll find that you'll be perfectly safe in this apartment." "It's equipped with some of the most fascinating protective devices in the world." " For example, this button-- - ( doorbell rings )" "Hymie, will you answer the door, please?" " But, Max" " Hymie, answer the door." "( doorbell rings )" "Hello, door." "What was the question again?" "Hymie, would you just see who's ringing the bell, please?" "It's 99 who's ringing the bell, Max." " Well, let her in." " Oh." "Hello, Hymie." "How are you?" "I am fine, 99." "How are you?" "Fine." "Oh, Max, I brought some extra groceries." "I thought that it would be nice to fix you and the boys some dinner." "Oh, good, 99." "Hymie, take the groceries into the kitchen." "Just a minute, Max." "I'm the boss." "I give the orders around here." "Hymie, take the groceries into the kitchen." " ( clicks ) - ( clangs ) 99:" "Hymie, are you all right?" "I'm fine, 99." "How are you?" "All right, don't anybody move." "Stay right where you are." "I have a feeling this apartment has been tampered with." "Hymie, get over by the fireplace." "99, get on the couch." "Now I know this apartment like the back of my hand." "If anything has been moved, I'll know it." "If anything has been touched, I'll know it." "I have a hunch that this apartment has been booby-trapped." "( gasps )" "Now I'm almost positive." "Snead and Mrs. Neal must've been here, Max." "Yes." "I'd better call the Chief, 99." "I'm the boss." "I'll call the Chief." "( transistors squealing )" "Hymie, are you all right?" " I don't know." " Well, what happened?" "I think I'm in love." "Max, tell the boys dinner's just about ready." "Boys, dinner's just about ready." " Max..." " Sorry, Hymie." "Boys, dinner's just about ready." "Listen, Hymie, you don't mind if I have a little drink before dinner, do you?" " Of course not." " Thanks." "Well, let's see." "Little touch of vermouth, four parts gin, and a pearl onion." " How are things coming, 99?" " All set, Max." " Well, here's luck." " Max!" "Your drink!" "Max, do something!" "( rumbling, crashing )" "( explosion )" "Max, you sure do mix a strong Gibson." "Yes, I know." "I'm sorry." "I know I failed." "Well, you see, Mrs. Neal, what you gain on the roundabout you lose on the swings." "Everything's in order." "Yes, something went wrong in Mr. Smart's apartment." "Yes, well, don't worry." "Yes." "Yes, in their lockers." "( door opens )" "All right, men." "Right this way." "You'd better suit up." "We don't have too much time." "You, go outside and guard the door." "See that nobody comes in." "Well, Hymie, the Chief is out on the field." " Go out and tell him we're here." " Right." "I'm the boss." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I forgot, Hymie." "Uh, listen, how about this?" "How would you like me to stay here and guard the men while you go out and tell the Chief we're here?" "Yes." "All right, men, the eyes of the free world are on you today." "So I want you to remember to keep your heads and your shorts up." "We have a tradition to uphold," " so I want you to remember..." " ( hissing ) that it's not how you play the game but whether you win that counts." "Yes, well, maybe that's not quite how it goes." "What's the difference?" "The import-- oh, come on now, fellas." "It's not that hopeless." "Or is it?" "You, get away from that locker." "( hissing )" "( hissing )" "Chief:" "Max, what happened?" "Well, Chief, Snead and Mrs. Neal must've rigged these lockers with paralyzing gas." "Man over P.A.:" "Athletes on the field for the high jump and the discus throw." "Hymie, is there any chance of reviving them?" "Not for at least two hours." "Looks like we've lost those two events." "We're beaten." "Chief, no, we're not." "Man over P.A.:" "The next event is the high jump." "Competing for the East today are Pavlovic and Mihailovich." "Competing for the West..." "Hymie?" "Pavlovic has cleared the bar at seven feet, one inch, for a new track record." "And now trying to break that record is Hymie of the West." "This is his first appearance at this meet." "Would you raise the bar to nine feet, please?" "Man over P.A.:" "Hold it." "This is amazing!" "Hymie has asked to have the bar raised to nine feet!" "( cheering )" "( crowd cheers )" "Man over P.A.:" "Bronski of the East has broken his own world's record of 220 feet, 5 inches for the discus throw with an amazing toss of 231 feet." "( cheering, applause )" "Man over P.A.:" "Now for the West, holder of the high-jump record, Hymie." "Man over P.A.:" "Hymie has just thrown the disc right out of the stadium!" "It's incredible." "He's thrown it right out of the stands." "I'm beginning to understand our failures." "That man is not a man." " I beg your pardon, Snead?" " He's a CONTROL robot." "Mrs. Neal, do you still have your lipstick battery deactivator?" "I'm always prepared, Snead." "Good." "Before the next event," "I think you should give Hymie a victory kiss." "Yes, Mrs. Neal, discharge your duties and his battery at one and the same time." "Hot dogs, pennants." "Hot dogs, pennants." "Hot dogs, pennants." "Mr. Hymie, may I congratulate you?" "Of course, madam." "( battery whines )" "Congratulations, Hymie." "Now all we have to do is to win the mile run." " How do you feel, Hymie?" " I feel weak." "Something ran my battery down." "Don't worry, Hymie." "As soon as we get you back to CONTROL headquarters, we'll give you a recharge." "Man on radio:" "With the Western team winning the discus throw, this makes them tied with the East." "The last event, the mile run, will decide the outcome of this entire meet." "Will the athletes please take their places?" "All right, Purvis, I want you to get out there and run like you've never run before-- fast." "Purvis, what are you doing?" "This is no time for dancing." "I can't understand it." "My feet feel like they're asleep." " Well, wake them up." " I can't seem to move." "Hand me your shoe." "Someone has put sleeping-foot powder in his shoe." "The old "sleeping-foot-powder- in-the-shoe" trick." " What are we gonna do now, Max?" " There's only one thing to do." " Hymie, you'll have to run the mile." " I don't know, Chief." "Without a recharge, I don't have much energy left." "My portable radio!" "Maybe that'll help!" "That's it, 99!" "I use a lot of voltage." "I hope it's enough." "Man over P.A.:" "Running the mile for the East are Pipovich and Sturnsky." "And for the West, holder of two world records here today," "Hymie." "( gun blasts )" "( crowd cheers )" "Come on, Hymie!" "Come on, Hymie!" " Go, Hymie!" " Come on, Hymie!" "Man over P.A.:" "Hymie is a half a lap ahead." "Three quarters of a lap." "He's really pulling out front, folks." "( cheering )" " Run, run!" " Go!" "Man over P.A.:" "With still six laps to go," "Hymie is more than a lap ahead." "Man over P.A.:" "Now with less than two laps to go," "Hymie has a lap-and-a-quarter lead." "It looks like a cinch win for the West." "Just a moment." "Hymie seems to be slowing down." "I think he's in trouble." "Come on, Hymie!" "Come on!" "He's running out of power, Chief." "Man over P.A.:" "Hymie is still three-quarters of a lap ahead." "Hymie is slowing down even more." "Do you think there's enough power left in my radio battery?" "I told you not to listen to Huntley and Brinkley today." "You should've just listened to Huntley." "Hymie, come on!" "Man over P.A.:" "Oh, it looks like Hymie's had it." "I don't think he'll make it to the finish line." "Chief, he stopped!" "Man over P.A.:" "Ladies and gentlemen, with just one yard to the finish line," "Hymie has come to a complete stop." " Come on, Hymie!" "Run, Hymie!" "Come on!" " Chief:" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "You can make it, Hymie!" "( slowly ) I'm out of power." "( voice slurs )" "Isn't there anything we can do?" "We need magnetic power!" "And you need electricity for that, right, Chief?" " Have you got a key?" " A key?" "Yes." "Good." "Have you got a kite?" " Have you got a storm, Ben Franklin?" " A storm..." "Man over P.A.:" "The gap is closing quickly." "Max, quick!" "Give me your shoe phone!" "This is no time to call for help, 99." "( pulsating )" "( crowd cheers )" "Mrs. Neal, looks to me as though we both failed." "There's always a first time, Snead." "Unfortunately, when one works for KAOS, it's usually the last time." "I suggest, Mrs. Neal, that we take a permanent leave of absence." "I agree, Snead." "Oh, that was brilliant, 99!" "How'd you do it?" " Every telephone has a magnet, Chief." " Of course, Chief." " Every schoolboy knows that." " Then why didn't you think of it?" "Uh, because you had me busy looking for a storm." "Besides, I wanted 99 to have a chance to show that she went to school." "( theme music playing )"