"( alarm beeping )" "♪ You know you can't keep letting it get you down ♪" "♪ And you can't keep dragging that dead weight around ♪" "♪ Is it really all that much to lug around?" "♪" "♪ Better run like hell when you hit the ground ♪" "♪ When the morning comes" "♪ When the morning comes" "♪ Can't stop those kids from dancing ♪" "♪ But why would you want to" "Uh-oh, ladies, he's here." "♪ Already getting good?" "( telephone ringing )" "Customer Service, this is Neal, how can I help you?" "♪ But don't go blaming the kids again ♪" "( alarm beeping )" "♪ When the morning comes" "♪ When the morning comes" "♪ When the morning comes" "♪ When the morning comes" "♪ When the morning comes" "What up, Neal-dawg?" "( telephone ringing )" "Customer service, this is Neal, how can I help you?" "Whoa!" "You do not look good today." "( telephone ringing )" "Customer service, this is Neal, how can I help you?" "♪ When the morning comes" "Sir, if you would just let me finish," "I can tell you that refunds are only issued when" "Yes, as I was just saying refunds are only issued when you" "Sir, I've been trying to tell you that for last five minutes." "Oh, well, I'm so sorry for ruining your day." "God, how terrible your life must be if the one thing that goes wrong is someone telling you to write a letter to get a refund." "You know what, sir," "I can safely say that I would love your problems." "I would kill for your problems." "I have wet dreams about your problems." "You see, I'm still reeling from walking in on my best friend and my girlfriend having sex, okay, and now I wake up every morning at 7:29," "1 minute before my alarm is supposed to go off and it leaves me unsettled for the entire rest of the day, okay." "You know what the best thing that's happened to me, you know what's the best thing that's happened to me in the past few weeks?" "I caught my lunch from falling off of my car." "That's it, that's the only thing." "Well, that, and the also a piece of peanut butter bread fell on a piece of jelly bread." "Okay, but that's it." "Two things, two things have gone right for me in the past few weeks." "So, sir, if you want your refund, just write your letter and shut the fuck up!" "( cell phone ringing )" "Hello." "I went home." "No, I don't think I'm gonna be coming back." "All right, bye." "Are you looking for your booze?" "Shit!" "Bryce!" "Bryce!" "Yes." "Wait, are you saying my name or is that just the noise you make when you're all surprised." "No, I'm just saying your name." "Oh, hi." "I'm sorry I scared you, but I was gonna say if you are looking for your booze, it's not there because I took it." "Why?" "Oh, we were making mojitos and ran out of rum, and your door wasn't that locked." "Do you have any more?" "Oh, no, no, no." "No." "After my sex friend left, me and Zoe finished them." "You and the dog finished the mojitos?" "Yeah." "We shared it." "She can't use a straw." "Clearly." "Why, do you like really need a drink?" "No, you know, I'm just at home in the middle of the day, in my underwear, because everything is awesome." "Rock show, dude, I'm glad." "Okay, bye." "Holy shit." "Wine cooler." "WOMAN: ( on answering machine ) Happy birthday, Neal, it's your mother." "In case you didn't know." "I hope that you are having a wonderful day, and that all of your dreams come true today." "Kisses baby." "Kisses." "We love you." "ALLAN:" "I don't see what you're so upset about." "Allan, I walked in on you fucking with my girlfriend." "Was it really that bad?" "Yes, it was really that bad." "Look, I know Christine means a lot to you, but she means a lot to me too" "You know what, I don't care." "Why are you naked right now?" "I don't know, it's your dream." "( knocking on door )" "( door opens )" "Christine." "Oh, my god, Neal." "What are you doing here?" "I came to get the rest of my stuff." "I can come back later." "No, no, no." "You came here to get your stuff," "I should be okay with that." "Are you?" "You could have given me a heads up first." "Yeah, I could have." "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "All right, so what are you here to pick up?" "Oh, I have to get the rest of my clothes from the bedroom, the plates in the kitchen, and the towels." "Oh, and I am really want my autographed copy of" "Three Men and a Baby." "Yeah, that's a big deal." "Yeah, it is." "Oh, you're serious." "Yes." "Okay." "Well, I'll help you in any way that I can." "You could put some pants on." "Right." "Let's do that." "Put some pants on." "Fuck!" "Are you really gonna keep that shirt?" "What's wrong with this shirt?" "You hate that shirt." "I do not hate this shirt." "I remember when your mom sent you the shirt." "I believe your exact words were," ""Hey, look at this shitty shirt my mom sent me."" "Well, it is a shitty shirt." "It is." "Do you want it?" "Yes." "Okay." "Hey, what's this?" "What's what?" "Oh, no, no, no, don't open that." "I've been meaning to return that." "How long have you had this?" "Couple of months." "Neal, why didn't you?" "I walked in on you and Allan fucking." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't." "Because I'm with someone else, Neal." "That hasn't stopped you in the past." "I'm going to go." "That's probably a good idea." "Neal, please don't make this anymore awkward than it already is" "Can I have the ring back?" "Thank you so much for stopping by!" "Neal." "Hey." "Hey, man." "Hey." "Happy Birthday." "Thanks." "Where's your car?" "Um, I walked." "Wow." "That's bold." "Where's Christine?" "Really?" "What?" "Darren, we've been broken up for a few months now." "Really?" "Yes." "Well, you must've said something, come on in, man." "Hey, honey, Neal's here." "I'm not saying come down, I'm just saying your brother's here." "JILLIAN:" "Well, I'm not coming down." "I'm not asking you to." "JILLIAN:" "What?" "Nothing." "Where are the kids?" "Oh, they're at their grandparents." "Adults only tonight." "Really?" "Anything you want to do." "Orgy?" "Anything within reason." "Give me $10,000." "No." "$20,000." "No." "and I have given you three pretty good suggestions." "Well, comparatively the orgy would be good, because I will be sleeping with your sister." "No, I don't want to have sex with my sister." "Yeah, I know, only I get to do that." "You talking about me?" "Talking about having sex." "With me?" "Yeah, having sex with you." "Damn right you do." "And I love it." "Fantastic." "Yeah." "Happy birthday, bro." "Got you something for the party." "Aw." "Yeah." "The chicken was great, dear." "Thank you." "Is anyone else coming to this thing?" "Supposedly." "It's no big deal, I just cooked this amazing meal, and sent the kids away, and spent the whole day cleaning the house but" "Well, the three of us are having a great time." "Oh, Neal, you know who I was thinking of?" "No." "Do you remember Professor Henry?" "Yeah." "That guy was nuts." "Yeah." "Happy birthday-- Let's just clean up." "Please." "Okay." "DARREN:" "So Professor Henry was this crazy old history professor" "He worked in the White House under Kennedy." "Anyway, he was giving us this lecture once on Kissinger." "And this girl raises her hand and asks him if he knew Kissinger, and he goes, "Knew him?" "I shat on his chest!"" "JILLIAN:" "Gross." "(Door closes off screen)" "Neal?" "And I'm like, why would I fake heartburn." "Holy shit, are you getting ready to fuck your guitar?" "Yeah, do you want us to come back some other time?" "Thanks for coming to my birthday party." "Was that tonight?" "Yes." "Guys, I just sat there, with my sister and Darren." "Nobody showed up?" "Seriously though, what's with the underwear?" "Christine came over." "Holy shit." "Great." "She found the engagement ring." "Great." "Holy shit." "Oh, and I quit my job." "Great." "Holy shit." "Can you please stop doing that?" "What happened with Christine?" "She kissed me." "So, you're guys are back together." "No, she said she didn't want to cheat." "Wait, she cheated." "Yes, and then, I left Jillian's house because no one came to my birthday party." "BARRY:" "Yeah, I would hate that." "And so, I'm in my underwear." "BARRY:" "You're out of beer." "Make yourself at home Barry." "BARRY:" "Done." "Great." "Okay, so you could probably use a little cheering up?" "From the two guys who can't even make it to my party?" "Hey, can I drink this?" "Well, we have the greatest birthday gift for you." "Yeah, look, just bear with us, because what we're gonna tell you is going to sound crazy at first, but trust me, it is genius." "If I said no, would it make a difference?" "We're gonna to get you back into the dating game." "No, come on." "No, no, just listen." "What I have in mind will almost assuredly get you laid, and at the very least will get you a handy." "A hand job?" "Really?" "Do people still do that?" "Yes!" "Just fucking show him, Barry." "A hand job?" "No, the thing." "Oh, yeah." "Check this out." "An internet date." "Really?" "Shut the fuck up please and trust me." "Oh, I get it." "Casual encounters." "Great." "Better." "Casual encounters is where desperate people who are looking to get laid meet up." "Those are two desperate people having meaningless sex." "I mean, where's the fun in that?" "Do I really need to tell you?" "No, no, no, I have something better." "Missed Connections." "See, these people are beyond desperate." "They're so obsessed with the idea of making any sort of human connection, that they put all of their faith in destiny, and they post it out on the internet." "Like this." "We were driving northbound on the 5." "I was in a black pick-up, you were in a red hybrid." "You caught my eye." "I hope to hear from you." "You see." "No." "Dude." "This girl was so turned on, so aroused by even the sight of this fucking guy, that she goes to a website where people sell used couches, on the off-chance that the same guy is going to see" "that same website and write her back." "She's got to know that the odds of that are a million to one." "But... what if he actually did write her back?" "She'd probably go insane." "Yep, she probably would." "So you are going to write her back." "What?" "But I'm not the guy." "You're not the guy, but here's the beauty part." "You don't have to be." "You write her back as the guy." "You tell her to meet you somewhere." "That guy's not gonna show up." "You go and you watch as her disappointment grows." "And then she is at her most vulnerable, her most exposed." "You walk over to her and say, "Hey, what's wrong?"" "as her new knight in shining armor." "And she's gonna take all that emotion, all that anticipation and she's gonna transfer it into you." "Whoa." "I know." "It's crazy, right?" "I mean, when girls are at their absolute lowest point, they will fuck you." "That's just science." "Wow." "Does this actually work?" "I have no idea, we're gonna find out." "No." "But I mean, you know, it seems like it would work, right?" "I don't know, guys." "I mean, it sounds really great in theory, but I don't know if I could actually do this." "Well, we thought you might say that, so we already set one up for you." "What?" "We gotta be there in like 10 minutes." "No, no, guys." "I don't know anything about this person." "There's nothing you need to know except she saw some guy in a Prius, and she wants to fuck." "She doesn't want to fuck." "Girls looking for nice guys don't post ads on the internet." "We'll take your car." "Can't." "I left it at work." "Why?" "Reminds me of Christine." "Wow." "We need to leave right now." "Okay, look, just get dressed, we'll go down there and check it out, if you don't like her, you don't have to even talk to her." "No." "No." "You have to talk to her." "Listen, how much more pathetic can your day get?" "I could embarrass myself in front of some random, severely disappointed girl from the internet." "This is so stupid." "Just relax, it's gonna work." "How do we even know which one is her?" "There's like 10 or 11 girls here." "That's her." "How do you know?" "Let's see, number one, she reeks of desperation." "Number two, she's scanning around the room every 5 seconds looking for somebody." "Three, she's milking that drink." "She doesn't want to order a second drink, because she knows that one drink by yourself in a bar, that's okay." "Two drinks?" "Now you're pushing on lush or alcoholic." "Four, she's checking the time constantly." "She's thinking, he's not that late, but he is." "Five..." "Is there a five?" "There's no five." "There's no five, okay." "So what, I just-- I just go over?" "Not yet." "You gotta wait, man." "You got to wait until she's just about to leave, you know." "Till she gets to that point where she's like, this was a terrible idea." "I don't why I'm doing this, I feel silly." "That's when you go over." "Trust in this." "Trust in this?" "Yeah." "George, you have a girlfriend." "I know." "I don't get to do cool stuff like this anymore." "Okay." "Please." "I need this." "Shit, shit." "This is it." "She's leaving." "NEAL:" "What, now?" "BARRY:" "Go, yes." "I don't even, I don't know what to say." "Just go up to her and say, "Giving up, huh?"" "That's it?" "Oh, you also have to say, um," ""Hey, if I was him, I wouldn't have stood you up, because I'm cool."" "Don't say the cool part." "Guys, I can't" "I can't do this, this is crazy." "Picture Christine and Allan, just twisted, sitting on each other's faces." "Assholes in mouths." "Fingers in ears." "God knows where their feet are." "All kinds of weird oiled up shit." "Picture that." "Smells." "Go." "Why would that motivate me?" "Just go." "Go, go, go." "Okay, okay, okay okay, okay, okay." "Giving up?" "What?" "What?" "Did you say something?" "I don't-- I don't think so." "It sounded like you said giving up?" "Oh." "Yeah." "I was just asking you if you were giving up?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "Just forget I said it." "Thanks." "How could you tell that?" "How could you tell that I was giving up?" "Well, I don't mean to intrude but, you're sitting here and you're, you know, kind of playing with your drink, and you know, looking around a lot, and you're dressed really nice." "So, I just, you know, figured you were, you know, here to meet someone." "I guess, it is pretty obvious." "It's not that bad." "Thanks." "Look, um, for what it's worth, if I was that guy," "I wouldn't have stood you up." "Okay, I'm gonna go." "You, you keep up." "Hold on." "Have a drink with me." "Seriously?" "Yeah." "Okay." "I'm Danielle." "Oh, I'm Neal." "Nice to meet you." "It's nice to meet you." "What brings you out tonight, Neal?" "Um, it's-- it's my birthday." "Really?" "Yeah." "Happy birthday." "Thank you." "So did you get anything nice today?" "Um, well, I think I'm talking to her." "Wow, I'm sorry." "That's really stupid." "You're sweet." "Oh, well, if you--if you think my stupid is sweet," "I got a boat load of stupid for you." "Such as." "Um." "Can I borrow your phone?" "Why?" "So I can call my mother and tell her I met the girl of my dreams." "If I could rearrange the alphabet," "I would put you and I together." "Yeah, is that a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them?" "You know, I'm sorry." "That was also dumb." "You have nothing to worry about." "Oh, okay." "( cell phone buzzes )" "Oh, you know, I'm sorry, I got to take this." "I told my friend to call me and make sure" "I wasn't in a basement somewhere, with a rapist." "Oh, well, the night's still young." "You should probably take that call." "Okay." "Holy shit, I cannot believe this is working." "Who says it's working?" "It looks like it's going great?" "I have no idea." "Dude, I can't keep this up." "I'm flying blind up here." "You're going to have to because here she comes." "Can I stay?" "No, get out of here." "You're glowing." "I wanna stay." "Get out of here." "Who were those guys?" "I have no idea." "Um, listen, it's pretty loud in here." "How would feel about getting that drink someplace a little quieter?" "Yeah, sure." "Where were you thinking?" "How'd it go?" "Holy shit!" "We want details." "Did you guys sleep here?" "Yeah." "Why?" "We were too excited." "Yeah, we wanted to hear how it went, and please, be very specific." "Why did you move my furniture?" "Stop stalling!" "Okay, I guess I can look past the fact that you guys broke into my house last night and slept here, and just say that, it was awesome." "Yes." "I barely had to even say anything before, you know, she's asking me back to her place for a drink." "And when we get there it was like she couldn't get the door closed fast enough." "I had never been with a woman who had so much pent up energy." "She literally said..." "Let me do all of the work." "The only weird thing was that she insisted that..." "The dolphin stays on the bed." "Wait, a dolphin?" "Like a stuffed animal?" "He likes to watch." "I like that." "It's just weird enough to be sexy." "I was able to look past that though because the sex was" "BOTH:" "Amazing." "Happy birthday, my man." "Thank you, guys." "Don't mention it." "So what's the plan for today?" "Don't you have work?" "Yeah." "Shouldn't you go?" "What are you going to do?" "I don't know." "I probably should start looking for a new job." "Good, because we lined up another girl for you." "Yeah, we figured it went well last night, because you didn't come home." "Yes, but" "And we also figured that since you have no job and you have no girlfriend, you probably just sit around here all day in your underwear thinking about how miserable you are." "And we're getting little tired of you acting miserable all the time." "So we got a new girl for you to fuck." "Because we love you." "Last night was really great, but it was a fluke." "You're a fluke." "That's not an insult." "Guys, let's be honest." "I got lucky." "Okay, here comes Captain Miserable again." "It's not going to work every time." "Well, prove that to us." "Just go to work, and let me enjoy my day." "No." "Come on, big boy." "Show us." "Show us it was a fluke." "Will you leave me alone if I'm right?" "Yep." "Okay, then." "All right." "Saw you at Culver City Park." "You had the cutest little dog, and I was sipping coffee by that big tree." "Did you see me?" "Okay, so we know she likes dogs." "We thought you maybe you knew somebody who had one." "I do, but he is the craziest person I know." "Good." "We're taking it." "Where is he?" "He's next door." "Let's go." "What do you guys want her for?" "Just give us the fucking dog, Bryce." "No, we're gonna have the dog for maybe an hour or two." "We'll bring her right back." "Thing's gotta walk or something, right?" "Okay, hey, whoa." "Slow down, fella." "It's not an it, it's a Zoe dog." "That's a kind of dog named Zoe, it's my dog." "Second of all I take her for three walks a day, and one of them is a dinner walk." "Well, just tell me what you guys are doing." "Fuck, fine." "We need the dog so Neal can get laid by manipulating some girl we met on the internet." "Huh?" "Okay." "Okay, you can have the dog, but I want in." "No, Bryce, you cannot fucking join them." "Neal's not going to have a three-way with some dude." "Oh, no, no" "No, I don't want that." "I mean, I want you to teach me how you internet the girls." "Well, it doesn't even really for sure work" "You know, what?" "Sold." "What?" "Yeah." "We'll have her back soon." "Bye, Zoe." "Oh, sometimes she likes to pretend she's a horse." "But don't let her take it too seriously," "I don't want her to think she is a horse." "This is a bad idea." "She said by the picnic table, she's not by the picnic table." "And she's reading a book." "Does someone waiting for someone read a book?" "Dude, that is the only girl in this entire park." "That has to be her." "Oh, my God, she's practically begging for it." "George, when was the last time you and your girlfriend had sex?" "What month is it?" "Stop stalling." "Go talk to her." "Okay, I will go, and you guys will see that last night was just luck, and we can go home." "Okay." "That'll be fun for us." "To see that." "Giving up?" "Excuse me?" "Giving up." "You seem like you were waiting for someone, and they don't seem to be coming, so I was asking if you were giving up." "Oh, I'm not, I'm not waiting for anyone, I'm sorry." "You're not?" "I think I'd remember something like that." "Yeah, yeah." "That's--That's what I thought." "Okay." "I'm just reading, and enjoying the weather." "Are you waiting for someone?" "Oh, no." "No, I'm not." "You sure?" "Yeah, yeah." "I'm just, you know, walking my dog." "She's a pretty dog." "Yeah, she is, yeah." "I groom her myself." "Is that true?" "No, it's not." "I don't know why I said that-- why I said that." "You lie a lot?" "Anyway, I'm gonna go." "Sorry for bothering you." "You're not bothering me." "Actually this book is not as good as I remember." "Oh, Little Women." "Oh, well, maybe I'll-- Maybe I'll see you at the park here again." "I walk her here all of the time." "So..." "You do?" "I come here a lot and I've never seen you here." "I don't know why I keep doing that." "I don't walk her here all the time." "You must make me nervous or something." "Okay, bye." "How'd you fuck it up?" "She wasn't waiting for anyone." "She's the only one here." "It has to be her." "There's no other explanation." "How about last night was a fluke?" "Come on, I'll buy the first round." "Oh, you know what sounds good right now is a mai tai?" "BARRY:" "Hi, I drink mai tais, and I don't sleep with my girlfriend." "Who am I?" "I'm you." "NEAL:" "No, he lives in total squalor, but the weird thing is that Bryce is like really rich." "Neal." "What are you doing home?" "He still lives here, remember?" "Shouldn't you be at work?" "I quit." "You did, why?" "I just didn't want to go anymore." "because I didn't see your car out front." "I left it at work." "Just didn't want to drive it anymore." "Well, I just came to get my stuff." "Yeah, I figured." "Did you find my Three Men and a Baby?" "No." "Do you want to look?" "You seem busy." "I mean, Barry and George are here." "Oh, don't mind us." "Yeah, we'll be quiet as mice." "Not gonna say anything." "GEORGE:" "Uh-uh." "Yeah, I think I'm gonna try again later." "All right." "Suit yourself." "Oh." "Can I?" "You can absolutely take those." "Yeah." "I don't want them." "Take 'em." "Thank you." "Uh, Christine?" "Yep." "Maybe, call next time." "I will." "Because for me, my heart is racing right now." "What is with her and the" "Three Men and a Baby thing?" "It's signed by the entire cast." "Even Gutenberg?" "Yep." "Oh." "All right." "Hey, I have an idea." "Giving up?" "What?" "I thought you were waiting for someone, so I was just asking if you were giving up." "How would you know that?" "Well, not to sound weird, but I've been here for a little bit, and I've noticed you checking your watch, and looking around." "Yeah, I'm meeting a friend." "Oh." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Just so you know, if it was me," "I wouldn't have kept you waiting." "Wait." "Was I that obvious?" "I'm mean, you're the prettiest girl in this bar, how could I not notice you." "Thank you." "Um, would you-- would you like to sit down?" "Yes." "I'm Michelle." "Neal." "My place might be a little bit of a mess." "Oh, I won't hold it against you." "Oh, thank you." "No, it's really great." "Can I just make a suggestion though?" "Sure." "Can you do more of this?" "You could tell that I did that?" "Oh, yeah, I mean, it hits your eyes, right when you walk in." "Of course, you're showing it off, you know." "How could you not be proud of this?" "It's just that most people don't even notice it." "Yeah." "Well, those people are dense." "I mean, the amount of detail you put just into the musculature." "Whoa." "Hold that." "Hold that." "Okay." "I've always wanted to do that." "Sure." "Neal, you came back to the party." "You're a little late." "Can Darren come outside and play?" "Do you think I find that funny?" "Okay, you walked out in the middle of a party that we threw for you." "Do you know how important a night away from the kids is?" "No, you wouldn't know because you don't have kids, you don't have a girlfriend, you don't have a job" "Can I just talk to Darren please?" "I'm not done yet." "Apparently you don't have a car now?" "Neal, hey, man." "How are you doing?" "We missed you." "Where did you go?" "It's a long story, I just came over to apologize." "Well, get in here." "We didn't get a chance to give you your present." "Oh, yeah, we also have three day old cake." "You want some of that?" "I would love some." "I would love some of that cake." "Thank you, sis." "Excuse me." "And before I knew it, we're doing it on her coffee table." "That is easily the coolest thing" "I have ever heard in my life." "What about your kid's first word?" "No." "Does it work every time?" "I've only done it three times, and one time the girl didn't show up." "I gotta tell Jillian about this." "No." "Why?" "I don't want you talking to my sister about me having sex." "She doesn't talk to you about me and her having sex?" "No, she doesn't." "What are you saying about me, Neal?" "He didn't say anything about you." "I got to try this." "Dude." "I'm just kidding." "Jillian would turn my balls into a magic trick." "Did you say my name, honey?" "No." "This is a really good cake." "Go fuck yourself." "Are you gonna let her talk to me like that?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "That's why I love him." "So, there was something about a present?" "Oh, yeah." "Thanks." "It's a moleskin, 'cause you are always talking about doing more writing, so I thought you'd enjoy that." "Wow, this is" "This is actually really cool." "Thanks." "Yeah, we figured since you weren't working right now." "Thanks." "Anyway, I got to go." "Thanks for the cake, sis." "Oh, it was my pleasure." "I have an appointment." "For sex?" "Do you want to, we have time before the kids come home now that Neal's leaving." "Oh, uh, yeah, yeah." "Let's do it." "Ugh, I'm got to throw up." "The girl from the park." "Hey, thanks for letting me use your shower." "Again with you." "Why are you always in my dreams?" "You tell me, pal." "Well, at least you're not naked." "And there it is." "Look, I want you to know how bad I feel about the whole" "Just save it." "I don't want to hear it right now." "Okay, let me get this straight." "You're bummed because you've been stood up by a girl that you were going to trick into thinking that she'd been stood up?" "It's not that." "You're thinking about the girl in the blue shoes right now, aren't you?" "It was her at the beach, right?" "I don't know." "But it's time for you to" "God dammit." "( cell phone ringing )" "What do you want, Barry?" "BARRY:" "Where are you?" "I'm at the laundromat." "Oh, okay, great." "You're out of underwear." "You're wearing my underwear?" "When are you coming home?" "What difference does it make?" "We're bored." "Hey, do you mind if we start a small fire in your apartment?" "Bryce!" "Oh, my God, that's huge." "I got to go." "I said small." "Has the book gotten any better?" "The book." "Little Women." "Yes, I am reading this book." "Do you not remember me from the park?" "( cell phone ringing )" "You can get that." "'Cause I'm gonna-- I have to." "Remember, I was asking if you were waiting for someone?" "I--I had my dog with me." "The one you groom yourself." "Yes." "The one I groom myself." "Yes, very funny." "Hey, were you at the beach yesterday?" "I think I saw you." "No, I wish." "I was...working." "Oh, well, I guess I must have been seeing things." "Unless you have a twin sister." "Do you have a twin sister?" "No, I don't have a twin sister." "Do you have any sisters?" "No." "Effeminate brothers that like to dress up like you?" "No." "So you're an only child?" "Wow." "Do you want to see my tax returns?" "I get it, too far." "I don't even know you." "I'm Neal, by the way." "I'm Jane." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "Pretty sure my name is Jane." "Okay, do you mind if I sit down?" "Well, I'm gonna be leaving." "Oh, okay." "So, has the book gotten any better?" "Not really." "Then why do you keep reading it?" "Well, I have a thing about finishing things that I start, which usually means I stay with them too long, so..." "Are you sure you weren't at the beach yesterday?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "I mean, I saw those blue shoes." "The same blue shoes that you were wearing at the park." "You got a foot fetish?" "What?" "No." "I don't even own blue shoes." "I don't even like the color." "( alarm buzzing )" "Oh, those are my clothes." "Okay, it was nice talking to you." "Where?" "You're leaving?" "and I don't usually hang out in laundromats." "Hey, shopping is done." "You ready to go?" "Yes." "Ready to go." "Jane, if I could just" "Well, well, well, who is this?" "This is Neal." "Hello Neal." "I'm Cassandra." "Her roommate." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you too." "How old are you, Neal?" "32." "Did you go to college?" "Yep." "What'd you study?" "Creative writing." "You have a girlfriend, Neal?" "No." "When was your last relationship?" "I know it's" "Answer the question." "It ended three months ago." "Did you dump her?" "No." "You cheated on her?" "She cheated." "You have a job, Neal?" "In between." "Times are tough." "Yeah." "You exercise?" "Try to." "Sense of humor?" "( imitates horn )" "Oh, my God." "Where did you find this guy?" "He was sticking to the lint screen." "You have to get back to that, right?" "( alarm buzzing )" "Looks like I'm done." "Great, you can come join us." "We were just about to get an afternoon cocktail." "JANE:" "Cassandra." "What?" "Were we not just about to go do that?" "Yeah, but Neal's practically a stranger, a very busy stranger." "I literally have nothing to do all day." "Oh, great, then you can come join us." "We're just going to a place right around the corner." "Oh, I would love to come." "Oh, I walked here." "I live just down the block." "So that means we're all neighbors." "What?" "That is very convenient." "You want to throw your clothes in my cart?" "Oh, well, don't mind if I do, m'lady." "Yeah, he's fun." "Did you hear that?" ""He's fun."" "Okay, I'm going to have one drink." "Yeah, right." "This girl is a lush." "I am no such thing." "I am" "CASSANDRA:" "Probably drunk right now." "Oh, right here." "This is a really cool place." "Nice blue shoes." "Thanks." "Yeah, this lady has a pair just like them, but they are way too big for my tiny little feet." "Is that right?" "Lots of people have blue shoes, Neal." "Yeah, but how many who look exactly like you?" "Okay, about that drink, we don't want to keep Neal all day." "Again, you're not keeping me from anything." "Well, there really must be something that we're keeping you from." "I have absolutely nowhere to be but right here." "Yay, that's great." "Yay." "So what's your story, Neal?" "Oh, so now you want to know something about me?" "Yeah." "I mean, who is Neal?" "Let's see." "Um, born, grew up, middle class, college, Los Angeles, here." "I mean, I'm sure there's some stuff in between, but I don't really remember." "You?" "About the same." "Born, grew up, parents divorce, two Christmases, yay." "Uh, college, Los Angeles, here." "Mine just goes born, here." "Two steps?" "Yeah." "Sounds about right." "So, what should we drink to?" "Here's to a long life and a merry one." "A quick death and an easy one." "A pretty girl and an honest one." "A cold pint and another one." "Huzzah." "Yassas I'chaim." "All right, now that the pleasantries are out of the way, what's next?" "♪ You'll never get that taste out of your mouth ♪" "♪ You'll never get the paw prints ♪" "♪ Out of the hen house now ♪" "♪ And you can't go back same way you came ♪" "♪ Round all the pieces up" "♪ But they just dont fit the same ♪" "♪ White knuckles" "♪ Maybe it's not so bad" "♪ So let your hair down now" "( in accent ) Hello, my name is Michael Caine." "Sometimes as an actor, you will find yourself breaking during a scene." "So, I don't know." "No, it's really good." "Yeah." "Your accent is amazing." "My father is from London, so..." "My father is from London." "You don't say." "I have dual-citizenship." "So do I." "I'm sorry." "I, uh..." "I don't know where that came from." "I'd like to apologize." "It was you on the beach yesterday." "No." "You little liar." "Don't turn it on me." "You're the liar." "Wait, I'm sorry." "How am I the liar?" "Because you've been lying to women on the internet, Neal." "What?" "You've been responding to Missed Connections ads." "What?" "Yeah, you've been lying to women online." "I don't know--I don't know what you're talking about." "I was your "Missed Connection" on the beach yesterday." "I knew it was you." "God, why did you run away when I was trying to talk to you yesterday" "Oh, stop." "Just stop." "Because it was the second fake ad that you responded to." "Fake ad." "Second." "You were my "Missed Connection" at the park too." "Yep." "I'm sorry, why would you post a fake ad?" "What do you possibly get out that?" "What do you get out of lying to women?" "What do you do when they realize that you are not the guy that they were hoping to see?" "I don't pretend to be anything I am not." "I just sit around and, you know, wait." "Wait, you don't pretend to be the guy." "No." "Oh, man." "Like a knight in shining armor." "Yeah." "Fuck." "What?" "So wait, you gave a fake response to my fake ad?" "Hoping that you would use my vulnerability to sleep with me?" "You never answered my question." "What do I get out of it?" "Yeah." "I think this conversation is over." "Wait, no, I'm sorry, I just confided a lot into you, and I think I deserve a little bit of an explanation." "Shut up." "Shut up." "So, we're back to this again." "Yeah." "Okay, okay." "I'm having a hard time." "I feel like the room is spinning." "It's definitely spinning." "Hold on." "All right." "I just wanna..." "Yes." "I just need to close my eyes for a second." "It's so spinning." "I'm just gonna close" "Okay." "All right." "Fuck." "Jane?" "No, that's totally fine." "I should probably go." "Morning." "Go fuck yourself." "See, honey, it's like I always say." "No hesitation." "Welcome home." "For fuck's sake, do you guys not pay rent somewhere?" "I do, but my place is kind of a dump." "Plus, you have cable." "Oh, my girlfriend's out of town for the weekend, and I don't know how to be alone anymore." "So..." "Bryce?" "I live next door." "That's terrific." "There's a new painting on the wall that wasn't here when I left." "Yeah, this clown is in my top five clowns." "Uh, there's a grill here in the living room." "It's off now." "Yeah, but it's still probably a fire hazard." "Not anymore." "Anymore?" "Well, when it was on it was dangerous as hell." "Also, thanks for all those phone calls yesterday afternoon." "Appreciate that." "Yeah, we ran out of beer." "I was gonna see if you could pick some up." "Just go get it yourself." "I did." "Thank you." "So where you been?" "I ran into the girl with the blue shoes." "Really?" "I spent the night with her?" "Really?" "It was a little of weird." "Oh, did she get freaky?" "Here we go." "What, she try to like dress you up and like do you with a strap on?" "Or was there a swing?" "Sex swing?" "Or video tape?" "She wanted to tape it." "Naughty." "Wait, was it something really specific, like, oh, you can't breathe while we're doing it?" "Or did she try and strap you down to an apparatus of some sort, or like, go second knuckle on you, or try to bite you on the dick or" "Are you done?" "No, she was a furry." "She was one of those furries and you had to like dress up in rabbit costumes, and like there was holes in the costume you had to hump through." "Did she try to shit on you?" "Are you done?" "Yeah, probably done." "Yeah." "I don't mean weird sexually." "I just mean, it just wasn't what I expected." "In a good way or a bad way?" "It wasn't her house." "And, now I'm interested." "Yeah, so I wake up, and she's gone" "So I get up and go to look for her and it wasn't her apartment." "Wait, what do you mean it wasn't her apartment?" "Say those last four words again." "It wasn't her apartment." "That's what I mean." "Did you fuck her or not?" "I'm pretty sure we passed out before we could." "Bryce." "The problem is the she posted a fake ad." "Whoa, what?" "Say those last four words again." "Uh, fuck you." "So, so wait a minute." "You posted a fake response to a fake ad." "Yeah, but she's not doing it to get laid." "In fact, I don't think she even talks to the guys who show up." "That's fucking sick." "I know." "I want to meet this woman." "Oh, yeah, I could drive." "I'll drive us right now, go." "You're okay, you're okay." "All right." "So wait a minute, wait a minute." "The two people that are lying about missed connections actually met up?" "Well, that's serendipitous." "I know, right?" "Yeah." "I don't see that." "No, it is." "Okay." "Okay." "Good." "I mean..." "Fine." "What's happening?" "No one knows." "Yeah." "It's a mystery." "But seriously..." "Are you going to go back to fucking random women?" "Oh, yeah, absolutely." "Okay." "Oh, good." "Yeah." "Good, because I have the perfect woman for you." "Have you now?" "I never do this but I saw a very good looking tall man today at the supermarket on Colorado Blvd." "If this is you and you are single and possibly interested feel free to e-mail me back." "I mean, she is practically begging for it." "I'll take her." "No, you're in training." "Hand down." "Thank you, sir." "You are very much welcome." "Oh, why, thank you." "Why, thank you." "Oh, indeed." "Indeed." "Indeed." "Indeed." "Okay, okay, okay, are we done?" "Yeah, that was weird." "Jane." "Yes." "What are you doing here?" "It's a seafood restaurant, Neal." "I'm eating seafood." "You're my missed connection, aren't you?" "I'll take that as a yes." "So what happened last night?" "You don't remember?" "No, I remember." "Where were we?" "Whose place was that?" "Oh, I didn't mention I was housesitting?" "No." "I'm housesitting." "Great." "Why weren't you there when I woke up?" "Oh, I'm sorry, were you lead to believe that one thing was going to happen, and then something else happened?" "You know like you do." "These women expect to meet a guy and they do." "They don't expect to just meet some guy and hook up." "Do you even call them again?" "Not yet." "That's fantastic." "Neal, you seem like a nice guy, but what you're doing is more than a little douchey." "You're a bad guy now." "Hmmm?" "But I'm not looking to get rewarded for it." "CASSANDRA:" "Hey, Neal." "You're late." "I was just saying what a great time we had with you last night." "Yeah, I had a great time last night too, but Jane here thinks I'm a bad guy." "Okay, you guys need to leave me out of this." "All right, I'm done." "I'm done." "I'm done." "Sorry, Neal." "Hey." "Hey, you're right, you know." "He really is a bad guy." "He's such a bad guy." "I know." "You should have known by his thin mustache and ambiguously European accent." "His weird obsession with hairless cats." "Always detailing how he's going to kill you before he actually kills you." "I don't understand that." "Like we're there, just kill us already." "I know right?" "So Neal was your missed connection again, wasn't he?" "Ah-ha." "I see, you used a European, thin mustached, cat-lover to trap me into this." "Yeah, I'm really good like that." "Yes, he was my missed connection again." "That's pretty serendipitous." "Not really." "He lies to a lot of women." "You lie to a lot of men." "It's not the same thing." "Anyway, you're not supposed to worry about this." "Oh, yeah, I know." "I'm--I'm aware." "Hey, remember when I promised you that I would not ask why you were setting up fake ads and kind of going bat-shit crazy?" "Why are you setting up those ads and going bat-shit crazy?" "None of your business." "Can I take a guess?" "I think that you are doing this to see if men are capable of being hurt like you were." "Okay, all right." "So you set up these like vague ads and you sit there and you watch these men and you see if they are able to be hurt or affected by this potential new love that just never shows up." "Yeah." "I knew it." "I thought I knew." "I wasn't really sure actually." "Really?" "You're some kind of evil genius." "I am." "I will never like cats though." "Me either." "Hey, listen." "Mike was an asshole." "All right?" "He was a liar, he was unfaithful, he was stupid." "He had a stupid face." "He did have a stupid face." "He never washed his hands." "Why?" "You know they never are." "Who?" "What now?" "The guys." "They're never hurt." "They just act like nothing happened." "I think you just hurt Neal." "Neal is a bad guy." "He said he had a girlfriend that cheated." "So maybe this is his way of dealing with it." "Maybe." "Aw" "You are so fucked up." "I know." "But now that you know my secret" "I'm going to have to kill you." "And I'm going to tell you how." "Here is how I'm going to kill you." "No, don't tell me, don't tell me." "I'm going to" "I'm just gonna shoot you." "That's what I'm going to do." "No." "I'm just gonna shoot you." "I think I'm gonna shoot you." "Thank you so much for letting me in." "I really needed to talk to someone." "Sure." "Yeah, I can't go home right now because" "I told you, he'd show up here." "What are you guys doing here?" "Oh, my God, great question." "They just showed up." "This is good cake." "Can I please just talk to my brother-in-law and my sister?" "About what?" "Nothing." "You saw Jane again, didn't you?" "How could you tell?" "Holy fuck balls." "Is this one of your internet sex girls?" "Darren?" "Oh, come on." "You know I can't hide anything from her." "She'd kill me." "I'd cut his balls off." "Did you at least have sex with her?" "No." "Really?" "Holy fuck balls." "Stop saying that." "Just let it-- just give it a chance." "I can't." "Just let it breathe." "No." "She saw me, she got freaked out, and she left." "She has to admit there's some kind of force that's dragging you two together." "She doesn't." "She just blows it off." "That's what she said." "That's great." "Thanks for the sensitivity." "That's what she said." "Oh, well done, master." "She definitely said that." "Okay, you all have to leave." "Okay." "And then she said I was a bad guy." "Am I a bad guy?" "Absolutley not." "No." "You're my hero." "No, you're not a bad guy." "I mean, there's nothing you can do." "She's clearly got issues of her own, so." "So I do nothing." "Yes." "You wait for her to reach out to you." "She has your phone number, right?" "No." "E-mail address?" "The fake ones that Barry set up." "Yeah, I forgot those passwords right when I set them up." "Two words, plausible deniability." "He doesn't know what that means." "I do too." "Okay, you know what then?" "You're fucked." "That's not what I want to hear." "Okay, well, here's something else you might not want to hear." "I think it's time you get another job, Neal." "Oh, eat me." "Oh..." "Pass." "All right, let's not start you two." "Come on." "He started it." "You started it." "I started it?" "All right." "Okay." "All right." "Why is everyone so against employment here?" "Okay." "Guys, come on." "It's America." "Come on." "Get jobs." "( doorbell rings )" "Oh, they're early." "That is Darren's boss and his wife and we're having them over for dinner." "Yes, we're staying." "No." "Everybody out." "Get-- go." "Get out." "Out, out, out." "No, no." "Take the back door." "Take the back door." "That's what she said." "Get out of my life." "I'm just gonna go ahead and bring the cake with me." "I will bring back your pretty green plates." "What's good?" "Midnight?" "Just go." "Go." "Okay, bye, I miss you." "Bryce!" "Oh, my God." "Look, I'm sorry." "Um, eat me?" "I'm your sister." "It's the best I could do on short notice." "It's disgusting." "I'm sorry." "All right, I'll do better next time." "Oh, and this is my brother-in-law," "Neal." "Neal, I'd like you to meet Ted and Alicia." "Do you guys know each other?" "No." "Yeah." "Seriously, guys, what's going on?" "We saw him in his underwear in our house." "Randomly." "There was a woman staying at your place." "Do you by any chance have her phone number?" "Are you serious?" "No." "You know what the best cure is for a bad date?" "Nyquil." "Dayquil." "Just got to get right back up on that horse." "Oh, I don't know, guys." "I mean, I really feel like this whole Jane thing is the universe telling me to stop doing this." "No." "Look, I have like nothing interesting in my life right now, but what you've been doing" "What?" "I have been doing it too." "Yeah, but you have been having meaningless sex with women for years." "True." "( clearing throat )" "Bryce, you did it once, and it was a disaster." "Yeah." "Yeah." "He needs a chaperone." "I think it's a good idea." "Look, for Neal to do it, it makes me feel like I'm right there with you." "While I'm having sex?" "Yeah." "Okay, I just don't feel up to it, guys, okay." "Are you fucking falling for Jane?" "No, the last thing I need is another Christine." "Do you really believe that?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "I just--I'm not sure if I should have anymore sex." "I think it's just gonna get me more twisted." "That's not a bad thing." "Oh, my God." "I just don't think I can do it, Barry." "So the universe made you a pussy?" "No, that's not what I meant." "Allan." "Hey, Neal." "What's up?" "Oh, what's up?" "You mean, what's up since I walked in on you fucking my girlfriend, and the two of you then consequently moving in together?" "Is that what you mean by what's up?" "Is that what you're getting at?" "I just wanted to see how things were going." "How are things going?" "What an awesome question." "Let's see, I have quit my job, I have two to three people in my apartment at all times, none of whom pay any sort of rent," "I have started to feel guilty for all the random sex" "I've been having with girls on the internet," "But on that note, how has fucking Christine been going?" "Look, man, I'm sorry." "I know you're mad." "Oh, do you now?" "Oh, what's giving that away?" "I can come back." "Oh, no, no, no." "Please don't go." "Please don't go." "We don't even know why you're here yet." "Well, Christine has been trying to come over to get the rest of her stuff, and I wanted" "Jesus, fuck with the stuff." "She is obsessed with the stuff." "Let me guess, "Three Men and a Baby" tape." "It's her favorite movie." "It's that limited edition copy" "Signed by Steve Guttenberg." "Signed by Steve Guttenberg." "Yes." "It's fantastic." "I know." "So she sent you over?" "No, I told her I wanted to see you." "I wish I could say the same to you." "Come on, man, we've known each other since we were eight." "You don't mean that." "The last time I saw you it was a view of your bare ass fucking my girlfriend." "That fucking haunts me." "God, why you two insisted on doing it on the couch is beyond me." "Well, she said you guys always did it on the bed, so I just didn't want to overstep my boundaries." "Okay, you should probably go now." "Thank you." "Can't we just talk about this, man?" "Can't you just shut the fuck up, Allan?" "You know what, Neal, you weren't listening to her." "From what I saw on your end, there wasn't a lot of listening going on either." "You know what, don't talk to me like you know." "Just get the fuck out of here." "Real mature." "Yeah, whatever." "Go shave your ass, you fucking yeti." "Thanks for the help there, guys." "We thought you were doing pretty good on your own." "Yeah." "Right up to the shave your ass thing." "Otherwise pretty good." "I like the ass line." "Thanks." "So what now?" "Get back on that horse." "Yeah, daddy!" "Yeah." "Let's get me an internet girl too and then you can be my chaperone." "Chaperone!" "Mmm-mmm." "Absolutely not." "He does need a chaperones." "And I thought for some reason, the guy was going to meet me here." "It's crazy." "No, no, it's not." "You have to take risks sometimes." "Bottom line is, you came here to meet someone, and you did." "Oh, look what you did there." "I try to bring it back to myself as much as possible." "It doesn't make you seem conceited at all." "Good, good." "I just wanted to be sure." "Dude, I don't know if my sex stranger is even here." "Should I like-- I don't know, make an announcement or something?" "Excuse me, I'm in the middle of a conversation right now." "Fuck off." "I'm sorry, I'm very confused." "My drink is red." "Who was that?" "I have no idea who the fuck that person was." "Probably just some crazy guy." "I need another drink." "Um, actually it's getting kind of loud." "Do you want to get out of here?" "Yes." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "And you're taller than me." "That never happens." "You know what, I see an old friend of mine." "Do you mind if I go over and just say hi real quick?" "Okay." "Great." "Jane?" "Not now, Neal." "What are you doing here?" "I'm a bit busy right now." "Holy fuck." "You do not want to do this." "You don't see me stopping you." "Everything okay, Neal?" "Hi, I'm Jane." "I'm Neal's friend." "Neal was just leaving." "No, I wasn't." "Everything is fine." "Jane's an old friend of mine." "I was just giving her some advice." "But I don't need any advice, especially from him." "You do realize what he's doing" "That's probably enough." "Thank you." "I don't think she's gonna come." "Actually, she's right here." "Really?" "Yes, she was just leaving." "Giving up?" "Nope." "I'm a little confused what's going on right now." "Okay, so what he's doing tonight, he has done over and over and over again." "What is she talking about?" "She's lying." "That's what she likes to do." "She thinks it's impossible for two people to meet, and she wants the whole world to feel the same way." "Well, that's not it at all." "Well, then why don't you enlighten me?" "Wait, is this your ex-girlfriend?" "Oh, fat chance." "No." "Absolutely not." "Happy?" "Yeah." "I'm so okay with you using me to get back at her." "Nothing bothers you." "Nothing." "you just seem to move right on like everything is fine." "Are you talking about me or all men?" "All men." "What?" "Even me?" "Okay, you know that men aren't the only ones who do horrible things." "I was hurt just like you were." "Not just like me." "Because you were able to move on and start fucking random women." "Excuse me?" "I can't let it go." "He hurt me, and moved on with his new life." "So why don't you move on with yours?" "Oh, like this?" "Hi." "No, that's not what I was getting at" "I didn't want her to beat you." "Oh, it's on." "Oh, blue shoes." "But don't feel bad, anyone would have lost to blue shoes." "How tall are you?" "Um, like two websters." "We shouldn't have done that." "Which part?" "All of it." "Was I not just in the same room?" "I thought that was pretty amazing." "All the more reason, we shouldn't have done that." "I get it." "Good." "You know what?" "No." "No, I'm sorry, no." "I like you, okay." "I said it, I like you." "You really haven't been that cool to me lately, but I can't deny the fact that we have some sort of connection." "It's great." "It's--it's really great." "In fact, I can't get you out of my head." "And I can't deny that we keep meeting up." "That means something to me." "That means that someone or something somewhere, maybe wants us to be happy." "Maybe thinks that we've been trying some really fucked up ways to find happiness, but in spite of all that, maybe thinks we deserve to be happy." "Let's face it, we're damaged goods." "We're cracked." "And anyone in their right minds would see how fucked up we are and run away." "But after all that, I still like you." "Any reaction to that?" "Anything?" "I can't get hurt again, Neal." "I don't think I could pick myself up again." "Sorry." "Holy fuck." "Jesus." "I thought she'd never leave." "Were you guys in there all night?" "Yeah." "We hid when you came in." "George, are you ever with your girlfriend?" "No, that girl hates me." "Wait, did you guys hear me having sex?" "This door is not soundproof." "Yeah, I know." "Is that right?" "How did you keep the dog quiet?" "Um, she has a lot on her mind." "Uh, well, there's good news." "Oh, there's good news?" "we found Christine's copy of "Three Men and a Baby."" "Really?" "It's signed by all three of them." "Yeah, even Guttenberg." "That's a tough get." "Not really." "Neal?" "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, you found it." "It was buried under a bunch of stuff in the closet." "Oh, my God, thank you." "Did you walk here?" "Yeah." "No, no, no." "I can't--I can't stay." "I just wanted to come by and bring you that, and let you know that if you wanted to come over tomorrow and pick up the rest of your stuff," "I'd be okay with that." "Are you feeling okay?" "Yeah." "Well, no, not in general, but I do know that I'm okay with what I just said about you coming over to get your stuff." "So...all right." "Hey, Neal?" "Did you really want to marry me?" "I mean, you bought that ring." "Why-- why didn't you propose?" "I don't know." "I think maybe I was doing what I thought I was supposed to." "You could have quit at any time." "I know." "Now." "Okay, seriously, what is going on with you?" "What?" "What do you mean?" "I haven't seen you this rational since we started dating." "The party side got raped out of me, and this is all that's left." "That's like one of the weirdest things I've ever said." "I don't know why, that was really weird." "I'm not sure what that means." "Please, let me" "Christine, I-- I just want you to know that in spite of everything," "I do genuinely want you to be happy." "I am happy." "And that's all I ever wanted for you." "I know." "Thanks." "Bye, Neal." "♪ Oh, no, I don't recall" "♪ I can't remember anything at all ♪" "♪ The life we knew is lost and gone ♪" "♪ And it's hard without you ♪" "♪ I know the world is new ♪" "♪ And what you lost inside, inside of you ♪" "♪ And all the love we shared is true ♪" "♪ And it's hard without you" "♪ Ooh, life is gone, what I had is gone ♪" "♪ But it's hard to go" "♪ Ooh, without you" "♪ Oh, no, I don't recall" "Get a job, hippie." "Hey, fuck you, man." "Excuse me?" "I'll handle this." "Excuse me?" "It sounded like you said fuck you." "I did." "Well done." "Thank you." "Waiting for someone?" "Yes." "They're not coming, are they?" "It doesn't seem that way." "Love." "It's a sticky business." "Yes." "Yes, indeed." "See, honey, you have to allow a man to respect you." "I love you, baby." "Giving up so easy?" "What?" "I asked if you were giving up." "It seemed like you were waiting for someone." "And you wanted to know if I was giving up." "If it was you, you wouldn't have made me wait." "Um, how did you know that" "Look, I'm-- I'm really flattered." "I am." "On two levels, one, because you're hitting on me, but two, because you're using my technique, which either means I'm not the only person or I 'm just this amazing trendsetter." "But either way, I'm just going to go ahead and just end this right here because I'm in a really weird place, which in the short term, could make for some really interesting and bizarre sex, but in the long term," "is probably just going to fuck me up more." "So I'm just gonna say, good day to you." "And, uh, shake your hand." "And take my leave, and yes, I did just say take my leave." "So keep on trying." "Oh, and the guy you want is over there." "But..." "Hello?" "Coming." "Good morning." "Yeah, we don't believe in Jesus if that's what you're selling." "No, no." "I, uh, responded to an ad about a couch." "Oh, oh, well fuck, yeah, I'm sorry." "Um, oops." "I'm Derek." "Hi, come on in." "Sorry, we get a lot of Jesus pushers around here." "No, it's all right." "Yeah, oh, good." "Um, well, uh, you are looking to redecorate?" "No, I walked in on my girlfriend and my best friend fucking on my old couch." "Oh, well, that's a good enough reason." "So, uh, well, this is the couch." "Okay." "Oh, and these are my roommates Jessica and Cassandra." "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me." "I'm sorry, Jessica was it?" "Wow, I could have sworn your name was Jane." "No, it's actually Jessica." "That's weird, I knew a Jane that looks just like you." "It might have been you." "No, it wasn't." "Okay." "So this is the couch." "It's vintage." "It's totally comfortable." "But not like in a suffocating, like scary way like I shouldn't be afraid to go with this couch." "Um, and it also has all of it's original upholstery." "So you know what, what you see is what you get." "There's no surprises, but at the same time," "I'm never going to get bored with this." "No, it's just what you are looking for." "Well, I'm not really looking for anything in particular." "Oh, good because I'm the one buying the couch, not you." "Okay, so if this couch fits" "I don't really feel like anyone should be looking for anything in particular." "Good, because usually when you are not looking is when you find the best stuff." "Or potential pitfalls." "Or potential awesome." "Okay." "Back to task." "Uh--uh, but I'm totally willing to negotiate." "Oh, as am I. Okay." "How do you know if the couch is worth it?" "Jessica?" "What are you afraid of?" "You see a couch." "You like it." "You sit on it." "You know it feels nice, so you want to sit on it again, right, Derek?" "Sure." "It's a fucking couch." "We're not asking you to take out a car loan or a mortgage." "Neal, just relax." "It's just a couch." "It is a really great couch." "Goddamn right, it is." "Yeah, but a couch could lead to a matching love seat or an apartment or a fucking house with a goddamn picket fence." "Or it could lead to this really great partner in crime." "Or another totally devastating" "What are you afraid of?" "This couch punching me in the gut." "This couch would never do that." "Okay, we're clearly not talking about the couch anymore." "You don't know that?" "I do know that." "But I don't know that and I don't think that this couch or any couch can change my mind." "Well, this couch is not leaving without a fight." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Oh, this is the guy?" "Yeah." "Oh." "So you're wearing clothes this time?" "Neal, for the tenth time, this isn't a dream." "It isn't?" "No, it is." "It's a dream." "Okay." "Yeah." "So Jessica seems nice." "Don't even think about it." "What?" "This is a dream, and in actuality every person in a dream is like a manifestation of yourself, so." "What are you talking about?" "By me saying Jessica seems nice, it's basically like you saying Jessica seems nice." "Oh, well, then, yeah, she is." "She's nice." "She is, isn't she?" "Why are you naked?" "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Nothing's wrong." "♪ In your fitted raincoat and tangled winter hair ♪" "♪ Cheeks a little rosy in the February air ♪" "♪ And running through the subway to catch the uptown train ♪" "♪ Spend the night just dancing ♪" "♪ And running through the subway to catch the uptown train ♪" "♪ Spend the night just dancing ♪" "♪ I want you, yeah, I want you ♪" "♪ I want you, yeah, I want you bad ♪" "♪ So bad I can't think straight ♪" "♪ So bad all my bones shake" "♪ So bad I can't breathe" "♪ And in the midnight quiet, outside the world away ♪" "♪ We could have just one more night that you could stay ♪" "♪ And in the light of morning for 21 days straight ♪" "♪ There you are beside me" "♪ And in the light of morning for 21 days straight ♪" "♪ There you are beside me" "♪ And I want you, yeah, I want you ♪" "♪ I want you, yeah, I want you bad ♪" "♪ So bad I can't think straight ♪" "♪ So bad all my bones shake" "♪ So bad I can't breathe" "♪ So won'tcha?" "Oh, wantcha say it?" "♪" "♪ So won'tcha?" "Oh, wantcha give in?" "♪" "♪ So won'tcha?" "Oh, wantcha come on?" "♪" "♪ I can't breathe" "♪ cause I want you, yeah, I want you ♪" "♪ I want you, yeah, I want you bad ♪" "♪ So bad I can't think straight ♪" "♪ So bad all my bones shake" "♪ So bad I can't breathe" "♪ I want you, yeah, I want you" "♪ So bad I can't breathe" "♪ I want you, yeah, I want you" "♪ So bad I can't breathe" "♪ I want you, I want you" "♪ I want you, yeah, I want you" "♪ So bad I can't breathe" "♪ So bad I can't breathe" "♪ I can't breathe"