"Morning, Cecil." "Sleep all right?" "You know, Cecil, we could at least talk to each other if you're living here." "I won't tell anyone." "You haven't told anyone I'm living here, have you?" "No." "I don't want people to think I'm like you." "You've no reason to sit out the war." "What war?" "The war." "The World War." "There's a world war on." "Oh, yeah, yeah, how are we doing?" "The lads are doing brilliantly." "Last week they took Casteau in a stunning tactical victory." "Bobby Abbot died a hero, God rest his soul." "Top brass say the only thing holding us back now is that we desperately need more troops." "Hmmm, that is a pickle." "Remind me, Bert, why are you not fighting in the war?" "Oh, yeah..." "I'm not in the army." "Do you remember a day some weeks ago, where a lot of men who weren't in the army actually volunteered to join the army?" "I can see myself signing up, but only in peacetime and certainly not now." "There's never been a better time to be a single man in England." "Urgh, oh, my God, George, it's brown!" "Oh." "Could you two maybe sort this out while I'm at work?" "Just because at the moment you don't really do anything round the house." "That is totally unfair." "Oh, sorry, Bert, what have you done?" "Ranked all the potatoes." "They're in a line out the back." "I put the best at the front." "I think we should eat them in reverse." "Or right way round." "I don't have a pref..." "Where do you stand, Cecil?" "What are you talking about?" "Potatoes, mainly." "Right, you're coming to the memorial service." "Let's see how it makes you feel." "Is George coming?" "No, George is confused about the war." "I'm not confused." "I'm opposed to it." "I'm kind of opposed to the war, too." "You're not opposed to the war, you'd forgotten there was a war on." "It's a form of opposition." "It's not a very effective form." "It's not today." "Scoundrel!" "Well, I thought it was an excellent service." "Why's Gracie holding a sapling?" "They're planting a tree for Bobby on the village green." "The idea is that it'll keep alive the memory of the supreme sacrifice..." "Yeah." "Who's that?" "That's Gwyneth, Bobby's widow." "Oh, that's Bobby's widow?" "Wow." "Where's she going?" "What's the plan, where's everyone going?" "Shall we...?" "There's a reception at the pub." "I assumed you wouldn't want to..." "I suddenly feel I should be there." "Gwyneth will be there, yes?" "Well, yes, I'd have thought so, why do you ask?" "Well, how much do you want me to dress it up?" "I'm single, she's single." "Bert!" "She's a grieving widow!" "Yeah, I know." "Typical, isn't it?" "What's typical?" "What bit of the situation are you constantly encountering?" "I'm trying something and you're trying to stop me." "Do you not have any respect for Bobby's memory?" "Cecil, please, this has got nothing to do with Bobby." "Here we are at Bobby Abbott's memorial service." "Your opinion, and I quote, "This has got nothing to do with Bobby."" "What do you want from me?" "She's not not pretty, just cos her husband's dead." "I want to hear you say it." "Say, "I am trying to steal a dead man's wife."" "OK." "I am trying to steal a dead man's wife." "Hup, two, three, four..." "Good morning, Philip." "Hello." "Darling!" "Darling!" "Winky!" "You didn't see me." "You were looking straight at me." "Where have you been?" "I haven't seen you for ages!" "I know..." "We've both just been so busy." "Oh, God, yeah, it's awful, isn't it?" "The marking is inhuman." "But, hey, listen, if you ever want to join forces," "I'm a bit of a dab hand with the old red pencil." "I certainly know my way round a tick." "Or cross." "Where necessary." "Despite my best eff..." "I'd better go, George." "OK, sure." "Oh, Winky, love, sorry..." "A bit of boring wedding stuff." "When we get married, would you prefer me in a bow tie or a cravat?" "I don't mind." "Good." "So, when we get married, you won't mind." "Great, that's a relief." "So I'll look into both those options." "For when we get married." "We are getting married, aren't we?" "Oh, I'd better get to class!" "Saved by the bell!" "We should finish this conversation at some point," "I imagine, but, go get 'em, tiger!" "Bite their little heads off!" "No, I don't know what I mean by that." "Just to let you know, I saw all of that." "Good morning, Headmaster." "I always enjoy seeing you in action, George." "It's like watching a man repeatedly punch himself in the face." "Anyway, the mothers want you sacked." "Pardon?" "So I'll be sitting in on your lessons today." "And I don't want any surprises." "If I find you to be incompetent, weak or slapdash, then I'll leave satisfied." "Because it wouldn't surprise me at all to find that." "George!" "But in all seriousness, put on a show out there." "Your career's on the line." "What's happened here?" "Is it under new management or something?" "Arthur's wife's taken over while he's in France." "Oh, is he on holiday?" "No, Bert, the war." "The war!" "The war, I know." "All right, better go flirt with the widow." "Yeah, wouldn't want that not to happen." "Hi." "Hello." "How are you?" "I'm sorry, were you close to Bobby?" "Yeah, oh, we were incredibly close." "May I ask, what's your favourite memory of him?" "Probably the..." "Actually, I'd rather not talk about it." "It makes me too sad." "I do love hearing memories of Bobby." "That's why I'm going to carry on even though it makes me sad." "So, memories of Bob." "Specific memories." "Probably the time we saw the golden eagle." "I didn't think you got golden eagles in this country." "Don't believe everything you read." "It flew down and landed on his hand." "It really trusted him." "That's beautiful." "Thank you." "And another thing." "It could speak." "Could it speak?" "No, that is too far." "But it made a kind of a tweeting sound." "Did it?" "Could've done." "Oh, I wish he was here with us right now." "Oh, come here." "Grumpy guts." "What's wrong with ya?" "It's not fair." "I know, they're all bastards in the end, aren't they?" "I just miss him so much." "That's it, let it all out." "One big burst and then we'll move on." "To pastures new." "All right, open your textbooks to chapter four." "Equilateral triangles." "Boring, maths, isn't it?" "Yes, Archie?" "I left my textbook at home, sir." "Right, try and remember..." "And we're in business." "First of the day." "Sorry, Headmaster, what's the trouble?" "Nothing." "Let's get the boy caned." "Which boy?" "The fat one." "Fatty." "Is that his nickname?" "It could be." "He only forgot his textbook." "George, don't start." "We have a boy who thinks he can do whatever he wants." "He's clearly an over-eater, so obviously has no ability to control his behaviour, and unless he's met by force, he will become one of the criminals and murderers who are the ruin of our civilised society." "I can handle this one myself, actually." "The little shit's got me bloody riled up." "Hand me your cane, George." "I don't have one." "Whatdoyou use to beat them?" "I don't use anything." "Oh, just the hand, eh?" "You prefer it to be more of a mutual experience?" "Pretend you're them?" "No, what I mean is I don't beat them at all." "Oh, George, why do you do it to yourself, lad?" "Well, if it's trouble you want, you've got it, old friend." "You carry on for now." "Teach them a few sums, or whatever the hell it is you do." "Excuse me." "Excuse me!" "Yeah?" "Pint of Farmers, please." "We don't do beer, any more." "There's no point, all the men have gone." "Right, ha." "Clearly not all the men have gone." "Oh, no, you're right." "My apologies." "Some of the men chosenotto volunteer." "It's not my fault I have flat feet." "I want..." "The doctor..." "I won't go into it." "What do you have?" "White wine." "Fine, I'll have a white wine." "I'll see if we've got a glass." "Why wouldn't you have a glass?" "That's a stupid comment." "Here he is." "My pointless brother." "Doing his bit for the war effort." "Why is he alive?" "Nobody knows." "All right, bring it on." "Bit of friendly sibling rivalry." "It should have been you that died." "Oooh, quite strong." "Gone for the jugular." "Why isn't your brother at war, Agnes?" "They don't allow fruits in the army." "I'm not a fruit, am I, Agnes?" "Glass of white wine." "Right, I didn't ask for that." "They don't have any beer, do you?" "No, we have beer." "This is a pub." "Right, well, yeah, I don't even know you but congratulations." "Very neat." "Oh, my God." "Your cretinous friend is attacking Gwyneth." "He's not my friend." "All right, come on, don't milk it." "How dare you talk to her." "Agnes, I'm so sorry." "I had no idea you wanted us to be exclusive." "Sorry, what's the matter?" "Ladies, please." "Don't get excited." "I'm sorry, Gwyneth, this is very awkward." "Agnes and I were lovers." "But honestly, Agnes, this is scarcely an appropriate time to discuss our relationship." "This is a memorial service." "Yuck." "This is your doing." "What?" "How does that work?" "I don't know, but you're all in it together." "Your little gang." "Agnes, I promise he's just paying his respects." "Bert, tell her." "I don't know what's going on." "All I'll say is you can't both have me." "Although, actually, maybe we could come up with some sort of rota." "Or even something more... communal." "You're a degenerate." "They do it in London." "I've had enough of you." "I will make it my personal mission to ensure that every woman in this village feels the same revulsion towards you as I do." "What's her problem?" "I think part of the problem is that you told her you were a lieutenant in order to sleep with her." "Get over it, mate." "Christ, that is an albatross round my neck." "Shame on you." "Thank you." "More hate mail?" "More mail, so, yes." "Oh, don't do that, George likes to reply to them." "He says he's beginning to earn their respect." "Traitors!" "Bit early for whisky, isn't it, Bert?" "Oh, no, this is water." "Oh, God, it's getting worse." "We should see Rich Warren, he's the best plumber." "We can't see Rich Warren." "He's joined the army." "I am loathe to use Dave Brewster." "Honestly, the man's a clown." "No, Bert, listen, there's no men left." "All right, keep your wig on, we'll just go here." "The Civilian Relief Committee?" "Yeah, definitely!" "I don't know why we didn't think of it before." "I do..." "cos I have no idea what it means." "Committee." "Relief." "Civilians." "Yeah, thanks for explaining, Bert." "Is that Mrs Fowler-Platt's latest offering?" "Yeah." "Look at the detail on the rope." "Technically it's a big step forward." "She improves every day." "It's very exciting." "There's a storm brewing, George." "Oh, my giddy aunt!" "The mothers know you don't cane their children." "You have unleashed a wave of fury." "Well, how did they find that out?" "I went round telling them." "You have unleashed a wave of fury, is the main point here." "The mothers want your head on a platter." "And yet... come close." "Oh, yup, OK..." "You are the last male teacher I have." "And if I turn this school entirely over to the hands of women, it's my honest opinion it'll be burnt to the ground within a day." "So I'm going to keep you." "Because I'm a man?" "Sort of." "Well, why, then?" "No, because you're sort of a man, but..." "Move away!" "I will need a gesture from you to appease the parents." "They want to see you cane pig-boy." "Their words." "Once." "In public." "Then the matter'll be dropped." "We've been over this." "I won't beat an innocent child." "That's an absurd position to take." "We used to have people like you in the Boer War." "These men you'd find twined around other men." "Right." "Actually, I think you're talking about homosexuals there, not pacifists." "Yes?" "What exactly is the difference?" "Well..." "No, George, that was a rhetorical question." "There is no difference." "Fatty and I will be waiting for you after school." "The children and I sleep in the fields, but my son was bitten by a rat and I wondered if someone could take us to hospital." "We would walk," "I know it's only 20 miles, but... his blackouts are becoming more frequent and I'm too weak to carry him." "All right." "Let me deal with these people first and then I'll see if there's anybody who can give you a ride." "Thank you." "Right, what can we do for you?" "Hello." "Yeah." "So, um, I'm not sure this is the right place, actually, but..." "I'll just say it, shall I?" "When we turn on the tap in our kitchen, the water that comes out is quite brown." "Is that it?" "That's not the sort of thing we deal with here." "Oh, right, course." "Sorry." "We weren't sure." "This is a committee for those impoverished by war." "Yep." "In hindsight, it is completely obvious." "You are showing a total lack of awareness of the suffering going on all around you." "Indeed." "Indeed." "A lot of new systems in place, just trying to fathom them out." "Keep up the good work." "Hang on." "You're not going to let her fob you off like that, are you?" "She's fobbing you off, mate." "I don't think she is, Bert." "Excuse me." "I don't know what part of this didn't come across, but let me reiterate... our water is brown!" "It is brown!" "And I am proud to say" "I will not drink a mug of brown water for my breakfast." "Thank you kindly." "So that gives you 24 hours, tops, before you've got a corpse on your hands." "My corpse." "On your hands." "Obviously, we'd drink the water rather than die of dehydration." "I'm not, it's the grossest thing ever." "I'd rather drink your piss, Cecil." "Excuse me, how long are you..." "Pipe down, love, you had your turn." "While I've got the floor, could somebody mow the village green for a change and look at the verges, they're a laughing stock." "This is all him." "He's off-piste." "I'm talking about basic land husbandry." "This was the best-kept village in the county, now it looks like a war-zone." "Oh, that is crass, given the circumstances." "Right, come on, Bert." "Sorry, everyone, sorry about him." "Thanks for your help, or lack of help... not that that's a criticism, you're behaving exactly as you should." "It's quite stirring really." "Stirring stuff." "So, to sum up, goodbye and sorry about the rat." "Oh, sorry, didn't see you there." "Oh, that's a shame." "I can't do this, I'll be a disgrace to the movement." "George, do you actually know any other conscientious objectors?" "Yes, I do." "I've written to one." "He hasn't got back to me, actually." "I can't keep doing this, George." "You need to work out what your priorities are." "All right, but you're not saying... you'll break off the engagement unless I beat a 10-year-old boy?" "No, that's exactly what I'm saying." "Oh..." "Quite an odd ultimatum." "Fine, as long as you know, this goes against everything I stand for and will basically render me a moral shell of a human being." "OK?" "In I go." "Right, where is he?" "Ah, cometh the hour, cometh the man." "Right!" "Um..." "Come on, Archie." "Fine." "Here we go." "I'm going to do this now." "This is what you wanted." "I hope you're happy." "Get ready, Archie." "Three, two, one." "Oh, God, that's horrible." "Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this." "Lose yourself, George!" "Is that too hard?" "Are you meant to do it so hard?" "Shall I just keep going like that?" "I'm going to." "I'm so sorry, Archie." "You're a good boy really." "You're not fat, a lot of kids are a bit chubby at your age." "Why'd you have to forget your book, Archie?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "!" "Why?" "!" "Why?" "!" "Why?" "!" "Why...?" "!" "Oh!" "Hello." "Sorry, we haven't met." "I'm George." "Oh, sorry, this is Meriel." "OK." "How do you two know each other?" "She's a friend of mine." "Right." "Would you like some dinner?" "What is it?" "It's crow." "OK." "Boys, I actually need to show you something in the larder quickly." "Excuse us, Meriel." "Right, first things first, what's going on with the crow?" "Just roasted it, basically." "Bit of rosemary." "The important thing is not to over-cook it, I find." "Yeah, yeah." "I suppose my question was more, why is a crow on the menu in the first place?" "Oh, yeah." "The butchers didn't have any meat." "Well, they had meat, but because we're..." "What did she say, Cecil?" "The shit on Satan's shoe." "The shit on Satan's shoe, yeah, the lady wouldn't give us any." "But we've had the last laugh, really, because we are eating a crow." "Good." "Next up, who's the old lady in my living room?" "Oh, that's Meriel." "Yeah, who is she?" "Bit of a find, to be honest." "Just stumbled across her in the queue for the butchers." "A real ruby in the dust." "He keeps saying that, I don't know why." "Yeah, why have you brought her here?" "Well, not to put too fine a point on it, I'm hoping for a little bit of... ♪ Sexual intercourse. ♪" "Sex." "Right." "Are you mad?" "Oh, here we go." "I wonder what point's coming now?" "I wonder what insight George will come up with next." "She's very old, Bert." "Is she, George?" "Thank God you're here." "I hadn't noticed!" "She is, though." "Yes, I know, Cecil." "I've got eyes." "She's old, she's an old lady." "She was born in 1856." "Next?" "1856!" "Yeah!" "Bad isn't it?" "'I don't understand why you're doing this.'" "'Agnes over-reacted to me talking to that guy's wife' and went round telling the girls not to go near me." "And what about Meriel?" "Meriel's about 40 years older so they're not in the same social group." "40 years!" "The numbers here are staggering." "Are you happy with this situation?" "What, am I happy with the fact that no girls my age will go out with me?" "No." "Is this better than nothing?" "Don't know, actually." "But I will say this much..." "at least I'm going down fighting." "He just does whatever he wants." "It's like there are no rules any more." "I don't understand why this is happening to me." "To you?" "This is meant to be my lovely cottage!" "Look at what I'm coming home to." "You two entertaining an old lady, drinking brown water and eating a crow." "It's like a bloody witches' coven." "Also why is the water still brown?" "Can you sort that out?" "Please, George, I am now getting quite thirsty." "Oh, hello, Agnes." "Coming to check we're taking care of your big brother?" "I don't have a brother." "Classic." "Doesn't work cos I'm not your only brother, so..." "Stop embarrassing yourself." "You're embarrassing yourself." "Want to say it again, Agnes?" "Yeah, I do want to, cos you're embarrassing yourself." "Here's your stuff." "Mum doesn't want it in the house." "Every time she sees something of yours, it reminds her what a failure she's been as a mother." "Who's that woman?" "Oh, that's Meriel, Bert's current girlfriend." "Very happy together." "She's new on the scene." "Yeah, big plans, though." "Very bright future." "She's a ruby in the dust." "Probably marry her." "Probably go right ahead and slap a ring on it and then she gets the prize and you die alone." "Don't try coming back to me, Agnes." "Do not even try." "I mean, give it a go if you want, obviously, things can change." "Would you like some crow?" "What is going on in this house?" "!" "You are barbarians." "Come on, Winky." "I won't leave you with these people." "I don't mind." "George and I..." "No arguments, get your things." "Hang on, she's my wife, more or less." "Stop lying to yourself, George, the marriage is dead." "Good riddance." "Bye, George." "Cheerio, Winky." "As an outsider, one thing I've noticed is that you needn't have caned that boy at all." "You only did it for Winky, but she left you anyway." "You could've not compromised your principles..." "Thanks, Bert." "That's all right." "White wine for you two." "And lovely water for me." "Oh, that is so good." "Where's Meriel got to?" "Oooh!" "That is humiliating for you, isn't it, Bert?" "I'm cleaning up here." "It's everywhere." "Everywhere I look and there's absolutely no competition." "See you later, lads." "And she's four years younger than me." "Ladies, those of you that are here for the book group, please make your way through to the dining room." "And, I don't think I need to remind you, that later this evening" "Mrs Shirley will be dropping in to show off her beautiful baby girl!" "Oh, that is too much." "Let's get out of here." "Oh, brother, I need to piss." "Just go back inside the pub." "I'm not going back in there." "I'll go here." "Not in public!" "You're such a prude." "Good night." "Oh, no." "This doesn't look good." "What's going on out here?" "He's urinating on Bobby's memorial tree!" "What shall I do?" "You should be shot!" "I'll strangle him with my bare hands!" "Don't go near him." "We're dealing with pure evil here." "The sooner you stop pissing, the better, mate." "There's a few comments flying in now." "Bastard!" "EG bastard." "Yes, I know." "There's quite a lot more, though." "There's very little I can do at this stage." "What's that?" "That's the guns from France, Bert." "Coming across the Channel." "Must be a big push." "It's all go!" "Oh!" "Look, here we are, finishing up." "That's the main show done with." "And now... the drips."