"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "Good morning, Lucy." "Fortunately, I'm not the sensitive type." "Oh, I'm sorry, Ethel." "I'm so terribly busy." "You know what day this is, don't you?" "What day is it?" "This is the day Ricky goes over my household accounts." "Well, so long." "Oh, now, Ethel, don't go." "I need your moral support." "I don't think I'll ever get it figured out." "I know I'm a fool to ask this, but what are you doing?" "This is my system for paying bills." "See, I throw them all up in the air, and those that land face up are the winners." "By the winners, you mean the ones you pay?" "Uh-huh." "Well, what happens if they all land face up?" "Well, then I just switch." "I only pay the ones that land facedown." "That figures." "Oh, what's the use?" "I can't afford to pay any bills this month." "RICKY:" "Honey!" "Yes, dear." "Are your books ready for me to see?" "Yes." "Let me know how you come out." "All right." "Okay, let's see what shape your accounts are in this month." "I'm afraid..." "Well, honey, if you're too busy this morning..." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "I wouldn't miss this for all the money in the world." "And that's probably what it'll cost me." "Hmm..." "Hmm... ls it interesting?" "Very." "50 cents for the newsboy." "39 cents for toothpaste." "15 cents for nail polish." "$245 for miscellaneous." "Miscellaneous?" "Yeah, miscellaneous." "Would you mind telling me what comes under miscellaneous?" "Oh, you know, rent, groceries, telephone, electric, gas-- stuff like that." "Oh, that kind of miscellaneous." "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "Well, I'm glad to see you paid this month's bills." "Well, they're not exactly this month's bills." "Oh?" "They're last month's?" "No, they're not last month's either." "You don't mean they're the month before last?" "No, but you're getting warmer." "What month's bills are you paying now?" "♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪" "♪ Jingle all the way ♪" "♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride... ♪" "Wait, wait, wait." "Morbid curiosity makes me want to see more." "The lights have not been paid." "The water hasn't been paid." "The phone hasn't been paid." "Why they haven't been turned off, I don't know." "Well, I've been going around stalling our creditors." "Huh?" "I jollied them out of it." "Oh, you did." "Yeah, except that this month," "I'm afraid they're going to want more money and less jolly." "Lucy, this is absolutely fantastic." "It's just unbelievable." "I would like a lowgical 'splanation of it." "Well, I'd like a "lowgical 'splanation" of it, too." "I make good money." "I bring it home and it, it, it disappears." "Now, what have you been doing with it?" "I sank it all in a phony gold mine." "(forced laughter)" "(sarcastically imitates laugh)" "That's very funny." "I thought you'd like it." "Yeah." "Well, I got something very funny to tell you, too." " Oh, you have?" " Yes, I have." "You know, you've used up your allowance until next February." "And you're not going to get any more money until then." "But, Ricky..." "And not only that, but you can't have any more charge accounts." "I will handle all the money and pay all the bills." "Now, isn't that funny?" "But, Ricky, you can't do that to me." "Well, now, honey, I know that this seems very harsh to you right now, but we got to get our finances in order and teach you a lesson and this is the only way." "But, Ricky, you're so smart." "Can't you think of another way?" "No!" "(wailing)" "Look, if you can get the bills paid we'll go back to the old arrangement." "Until then, it's got to be this way." "NOW, COMB on, come on." "Give me a kiss." "Hmm, salty but nice." "See you later." "How'd it go?" "Oh, just awful." "He did something he's never done before." "What?" "He cut off my charge-a-plate." "No!" "Yes, and it hurt, too." "Aw, you poor little thing." "Hey, I'm on my way to a radio show and I got two tickets." "Why don't you come go with me?" "It'll take your mind off your troubles." "No." "Oh, come on, it's the Freddie Filmore Show." "You know, the one called Females Are Fabulous." "I just came from a show called "Husbands Are Horrible."" "Come on, put your coat on." "No, if there's one thing I don't feel like doing today, it's going to a radio show." "But you might win a prize." "Well, you go ahead, Ethel." "The first prize is a thousand dollars." "Well, what would I do with a thousand dol..." "A thousand dollars?" "!" " Uh-huh." "Well, come on, what are we waiting for?" "Well!" "Females are Fabulous." "(applause)" "Welcome to another session oi Females Are Fabulous, our very outstanding program based on the theory that any woman is willing to make an idiot out of herself in order to win a prize." "(applause)" "Now, our first contestant today, a lovely little lady who's going to try for our thousand dollar jackpot," "Mrs. Ricky Ricardo." "Come on out here, Mrs. Ricardo." "Oh, we're going to have a lot of fun aren't we, Mrs. Ricardo?" "Yeah." "Tell me, how would you like to go to the beach this afternoon?" " Oh, I'd like that." " You'd like that." "Well, of course, we can't go to the beach so we're going to do the next best thing:" "we're going to bring the beach to you." "Bring the beach in here, fellows." "Come on, get it right in here." "That's it, set it right down there." "Oh, isn't that a beautiful beach?" "Come on, right onto the beach." "That's it, Mrs. Ricardo." "Oh, look at that sand." "Isn't that beautiful?" "Hey, why don't you take off your shoes so you can wiggle your toes in the sand?" "Don't you always do that when you're down at the beach?" " Yes." "So do I. It's a lot of fun, isn't it?" "Get it on her, boys, get it on her." "That's it." "Oh, say, isn't that beautiful?" "I tell you, that really does something for you." "Long bathing suit." "(chuckles):" "Yes, sir." "Oh, and then, too, we've got a beach umbrella here." "You know, we wouldn't want you to get sunburned." "The sun's awfully bright down here at the beach and we do want you to feel..." "Oh, that's real fetching, that is." "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir, that really does something for you." "You all ready for our little game now?" "Well, I'll tell you what we want you to do." "You know the song "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"?" "Uh, yeah." "You do?" "Lovely little song, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Well, what we want you to do is sing that song, and every time you mention something that has to do with water, we're going to do our best to make you feel that you're right down at the beach." "Are you ready?" "Yeah." "Okay, you go ahead." "♪ My..." "My bonnie lies over the ocean... ♪" "♪ My bonnie lies over the sea... ♪" "♪ My bonnie lies over the ocean... ♪" "♪ Oh, bring back my bonnie to me. ♪" "Oh, no, now that time, you see, I didn't squirt you because the last line had nothing to do with water." "Now, do you get the idea of our little game?" "Yes, I see." "Sea!" "Listen, I've got a notion..." "An ocean!" "Oh, that was wonderful, Mrs. Ricardo." "Yes, sir." "How about giving her a big hand, folks?" "Oh, naughty, naughty, naughty, Mrs. Ricardo." "Well, where's my thousand dollars?" "Oh, no, no, you don't get the thousand dollars for this." "This was just a little test to see if you qualify for the thousand dollars." "And she does qualify, doesn't she, audience?" "Yes, sir." "Now, in just a minute, I'm going to tell you the simple little thing you have to do in order to actually win the thousand dollars." "But first we want to present a check for a thousand dollars to the winner of last week's jackpot, Mrs. Peterson." "Come right on in here, Mrs. Peterson." "Well, now, Mrs. Peterson, it wasn't so tough going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, was it?" "Well, here's your check." "She seems to be a little shaken up." "Yeah, well, I'll be seeing you." "Oh, no, no, Mrs. Ricardo, now you stay right here." "This next little stunt is very simple." " It is?" " Oh, yes, yes." "I take it you're married?" "Yes." "Never been married before?" "No." "You've never been married before." "Well, now, I'll tell you what's going to happen." "We're going to send a man out to your house, and you introduce him to your husband." "Where's the catch?" "Catch?" "The gimmick." "Oh, I did forget one simple little thing, yes sirree." "You're to introduce this man to your husband as your long-lost first husband." "My long-lost first what?" "You don't seem to get the picture." "Now, look, you're sitting at home at 8:00 tonight, this man comes and knocks on the door." "You open the door, you greet him with tears in your eyes, you pull him into the room, and you introduce him to your present husband as your first husband whom you thought had disappeared." "But what will my husband say?" "(chortles gleefully)" "That's what we want to know, isn't it, audience?" "(applause)" "Yes, sir, now, Mrs. Ricardo if you can keep up this little masquerade until midnight tonight, our man is going to give you this $1,000." "$1 ,000?" " How about it?" "How about letting me go over Niagara Falls in a paper bag?" "Ah, no." "Now, you have exactly three seconds to make up your mind." "One... two... three!" "I'll do it!" "I knew you would because I always say "Females Are Fabulous"!" "Give her a big hand, folks!" "Come on!" "Well, that takes care of everything on today's program except Mrs. Ricky Ricardo." "Here's her address." "Now, let me get this straight." "I show up there at 8:00 tonight," "And she'll introduce me as her first husband." "That's right." "Now, here's the thousand dollars." "She keeps up the pretense until midnight," "you give her the money." " Got it." "Good luck." "I'll need it." "What a way to make a living." "(sputtering)" "(banging)" "I'll get it." "Get what?" "Somebody knocked." "I was trying to make the lighter work." "Oh." "Why, are you expecting someone?" "Who, me?" "Who would I be expecting at this time of night?" "(laughs forcedly)" "Lucy, you seem awfully nervous tonight." "Me, nervous?" "Why, I was never calmer in my life." "Thank you." "Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" "No, of course not, dear." "(phone rings)" "I'll get it." "Hello?" "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number." "Lucy, I never seen you act so jittery." "Are you sure everything's all right?" "Of course, dear." "Well, why don't you do something?" "Yeah, I'll do something." "You haven't finished those..." "You haven't finished those socks for me yet." "Oh." "Why don't you knit for a while?" "Yeah, that's what I wanted to do." "Yes?" "Madam, can you spare a bit of sustenance for a deserving human who has met with a terrible accident?" "No!" "Any odd jobs for an honest, able-bodied man?" "No, and we don't allow bums in this building." "Bums!" "I think it only fair to warn you, Madame, that you are laying yourself open for a libel suit." "You get out of here, you good-for-nothing tramp, or I'll call the police." "Aha!" "I thought you'd change your tune." "Change my tune..." "Well, it'll do you no good." "I'm leaving." "Not up there." "The street's that way." "What deplorable manners." "Lucy." "What?" "!" "I just want to know how you're coming along with my socks." "Oh, just fine, dear." "I'm almost finished, see?" "I guess I got carried away." "(doorbell rings)" "I'll get it." "Ah, good evening." "I wonder..." "Darling, after all these years, you've come back." "I have?" "Yes, it's so good to see you." "Well, it's, uh, good to see you, too." "I, um..." "I beg your pardon." "Oh, no, don't go." "I want you to meet Ricky." "Ricky, I don't know exactly how to say this, but I want you to meet my first husband." "How do you..." "Your first what?" "Husband." "Husband?" "What kind of..." "Now, Ricky, Ricky, don't get excited." "Let's all sit down and talk about this calmly." "Yes, let's all sit down." "Sit down, Ricky." "I don't feel like sitting down." "Now, listen, you, what kind of a gag is this?" "Well, it's really nothing, dear." "Nothing?" "Well, it's just that a long time ago-- before I met you-- I was friends with..." "You were not friends." "You were married." "Yeah, just a little bit." "A little bit?" "Well, all right, I was married to..." " Harold." " Sam." " Sam." " Harold." "All right, all right, so you were married to Harold, Sam, Julius or whichever his name is." "Julius!" "?" "You stay out of this." "How long were you married?" "Well, it was just a matter of weeks." "Really, it's not worth talking about, Ricky." "Not worth talking about?" "Ha!" "Well, we were married for a very short time and then Harold had to join the service and then I learned he was missing in action." "Aw... oh, oh!" "It was for the battle of the Argonne Woods." "The Kaiser's troops were all about us, and Blackjack Sherman Pershing put his hand on my shoulder and said to me, "Sam"-- he always called me by my nickname" ""Sam," he said, "gather about you..."" "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "Look, the battle of the Argonne Woods was in the first world war." "Yes..." "That was 33 years ago." "How old were you when you got married?" "I-I was very young." "Yeah." "As a matter of fact, how old are you now?" "65." "What do you think, I'm a dope or something?" "You couldn't possibly be 65." "I couldn't?" "Of course not, look at you." "55 yes, but not 65." "Don't you care what he says, dollface you still look good to me." "A tu te calla la boca y no le digas a mi senora "dollface"." "LUCY:" "Ricky, Ricky, now don't get excited!" "I was married to Harold, and that's all there is to it." "Well, that's true-- I know it must come as a horrible and surprising disclosure... but the children are entitled to their true father." "The children?" "Yes, my little darlings." "Where are they?" "Don't you have them?" "You've misplaced them again." "You always were forgetful, weren't you, uh, uh...?" "What's her name?" "Well, I always called her Red." "Now, Ricky." "You stay out of this." "What's her name?" "Ricky." "Lucy, I told you..." "Ah... the forgetful little Lucy." "How well I remember the first time I heard that lilting name." "It seems like yesterday." "In fact, it seems like today." "Now, look, am I going crazy or something?" "Neither one of you is telling the truth." "Now, why would you want me to think that she's married to you in the first place?" "Well, uh..." "Lucy, I want the truth." "The truth?" "Yes." "Were you or were you not married to... him?" "Yes." "Well, that does it, I'm packing." "Packing?" "Of course." "If we are not married, you can't expect me to stay here." "Besides, you want to be alone with, uh, your husband." "But, Ricky..." "ETHEL:" "Psst!" "Did that man from the program get here?" "Yeah, he's here." "I don't want to take up any of your time." "I just wanted to find how you were making out." " Okay." " Can I take a peek at him?" "Yeah, go ahead." "(gasps)" "What's that bum doing in there?" "What bum?" "That tramp-- he was down at my door not ten minutes ago asking for a handout." "He's not the man from the program." "Oh!" "Take your hand out of that drawer." "The honeymoon is over." "What do you mean going on up those stairs when I told you the street was the other way?" "Good-bye, Lucy." "Good-bye, Ricky." "Wait a minute, come back here." "Now, now, now, I resent this intrusion upon my person." "Those are my life's savings you're taking from me." "On your way." "There is no need seeing me to the door." "Mother told me to expect days like this." "Get out!" "The nerve of some bums." "Now, Mrs. Ricardo, if you don't mind," "I think that I am entitled to a little bit of an explanation of what is going on here!" "Oh!" "Uh..." "Oh, Ethel, would you excuse us?" "I have a little explaining to do to Ricky." "You sure have, dear." "Good night." "Now, now, Ricky, sit down, dear." "Sit down." "Wait till you hear." "It's so funny and it's so simple." "Well, what is it?" "Well, you know this morning when we had that discussion about money." "Well, Ethel and I... (doorbell rings)" "Oh, I'll get n." "No, no" " I'll get it." "Is this the Ricardo residence?" "Yes." "Darling, don't you recognize me?" "It's Arnold." "Well?" "Ricky, I want you to meet my second first husband." "Now, Ricky, listen to me." "Please listen to me." "That's what they asked me to do at the radio program in order to win that thousand dollars, and I came home and I tried to do it, and I don't know who that first man was," "but I was never married to him and this is the man from the program and he's my real first husband, but I was never married to him either and that's the truth, so help me." "Now, if you don't believe me, you can leave." "That is the most ridiculous story" "I've ever heard in my whole life." "But it's true, Mr. Ricardo, and your wife didn't start explaining until after midnight, so she wins the thousand dollars." "Congratulations, Mrs. Ricardo, and thanks for a very pleasant evening." "Thank you." "Good night." "Good night." "You give me that, Ricky Ricardo." " That belongs to me." " Let's see." "Rent. $250. _ ... groceries, $100... charge account, $575... utilities. $74.50." "Well, you got some change coming." "Well, I should hope so." "There you are." "Ricky!" "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "The part of Harold was played by Mr. John Emery." "Freddy Filmore was played by Mr. Frank Nelson."