"OKAY, I'M OFF TO WORK." "OH, THE HELL YOU ARE!" "WHAT?" "GABI, THIS PLACE IS MESSIER THAN YOUR LIFE." "OKAY, WELL, WHEN I SLEEP OUT HERE, THIS IS MY BEDROOM." "OKAY, BUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP, IT IS OUR LIVING ROOM." "FINE." "CLEANING IS SO HARD." "(grunting)" "UGH!" "HAPPY?" "I WILL BE WHEN WE GET A TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT." "WELL, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE, THEN, BECAUSE NOBODY LEAVES THIS RENT-CONTROLLED BUILDING" "UNLESS THEY'RE ROLLED OUT OF HERE." "(both gasp)" "OH, MY GOD!" "THAT'S MRS. JACOBSEN FROM 2B." "WHAT HAPPENED?" "STROKE." "SHE STUMBLED FROM THE MASTER BEDROOM, THROUGH THE GUEST BATHROOM," "HIT HER HEAD ON THE WASHER/DRYER," "THEN COLLAPSED IN THE SECOND BEDROOM." "DEAD." "OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE MRS. JACOBSEN..." "HAD A SECOND BEDROOM!" "GABI, POOR MRS. JACOBSEN!" "MAY SHE REST IN PEACE." "YES, AND MAY I REST IN HER SECOND BEDROOM!" "OKAY, THAT IS SO MEAN." "REALLY?" "MEANER THAN WHEN SHE CALLED YOU A WHORE FOR WEARING PANTS?" "OH, THAT'S RIGHT." "WE ARE SO GETTING THAT DEAD BITCH'S APARTMENT." "WELL, HOW?" "I MEAN, THIS IS SAN FRANCISCO." "APARTMENTS ARE REALLY HARD TO FIND." "I BET THAT PARAMEDIC ALREADY HAS AN APPLICATION IN FOR IT." "YEAH, BUT WE KNOW THE LANDLORD." "SO, ALL WE GOTTA DO IS CONVINCE HIM TO GIVE IT TO US." "AND, I READ AN ARTICLE THAT SAID YOU CAN GET ANYTHING YOU WANT FROM A MAN" "IF YOU GIVE HIM FOOD OR SEX." "YOU HAD TO READ AN ARTICLE TO KNOW THAT?" "DIBS ON FOOD!" "WAIT!" "(thememusicplaying)" "¶SHE'SIN THESPOTLIGHT¶" "¶ANDSHETURNEDMYHEAD¶" "¶SHE'DRUNAREDLIGHT ¶" "¶ 'CAUSE SHE'S BAD LIKE THAT ¶" "¶I LIKETHAT OOH,BABY,OOH,BABY¶" "¶BABY¶" "¶I LIKETHATOOH ,BABY OOH,BABY¶" "WOW, YOU'RE GOING ALL OUT FOR JOSH'S BREAKFAST." "WHAT MISTAKE ARE YOU MAKING UP FOR THIS TIME?" "ACTUALLY, I'M MAKING PIROGIES TO BUTTER UP MY RUSSIAN LANDLORD." "OH." "SO YOU DON'T JUST SCREW UP OUR LIVES?" "NO." "DIDN'T I TELL YOU THE GOOD NEWS?" "THE LADY ACROSS THE HALL DIED OF A STROKE!" "GOOD MORNING, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!" "YOU KNOW WHO'S STARVING?" "ME." "YOU KNOW WHY?" "SEX." "YOU KNOW HOW MUCH?" "TONS." "YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY OLDER WOMEN ARE AWESOME 'CAUSE THEY KNOW ALL KINDS OF STUFF?" "(giggling) THEY DO." "OLDER WOMEN?" "WHO'S THE LUCKY LADY?" "HEY!" "NO!" "YOU PICKED HER OVER ME?" "SORRY, ELLIOT." "I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING JOSH WANTS." "YOU GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING HE DOESN'T." "I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM EITHER OF YOU." "BECAUSE I'M GETTING PLENTY FROM SHAUNA." "JOSH IS JUST LETTING ME STAY HERE 'CAUSE I GOT IN A FIGHT WITH COLEMAN." "WHAT?" "YOU GUYS JUST MOVED IN TOGETHER?" "YOU'RE ALREADY FIGHTING?" "I KNOW." "BUT, I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY HE TIPPED THE WAITRESS." "OH, WHAT'D HE LEAVE HER?" "HIS PHONE NUMBER." "HI, LOVER." "AND I'M TALKING TO THE TALL, WHITE ONE." "GUYS, THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND." "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE NOT A GIRL, YOU'RE SHAUNA STEVENS!" "YOU'RE THE TECH REPORTER FOR ABC NEWS." "MY BOYFRIEND'S A PROGRAMMER, AND HE HAS A POSTER OF YOU ABOVE HIS BED." "OH, SO HE'S THE ONE WHO BOUGHT THAT." "SHE'S BEING MODEST." "SHE ACTUALLY HAS TWO PEABODY AWARDS AND ANDERSON COOPER ON SPEED DIAL." "I HAVE A POSTER OF HIM OVER MY BED." "SO, SHAUNA, I WAS WONDERING, MAYBE WE SPEND THE NIGHT AT YOUR PLACE, TONIGHT?" "YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVEN'T BEEN THERE." "UH, WE CAN'T." "I JUST HAD THE FLOORS CLEANED, AND IT'S KIND OF A MESS." "HMM, WELL, YOU KNOW I DON'T MIND THINGS A LITTLE BIT DIRTY." "OH, AND I JUST REMEMBERED, THE WATER'S ALSO BEEN SHUT OFF." "WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL SOMEBODY TO FIX IT?" "I HEAR ANDERSON COOPER'S GOOD WITH PIPES..." "YOU KNOW, SHAUNA, IF I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER," "I'D THINK YOU WERE TRYING TO HID SOMETHING FROM ME?" "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT." "HOW ABOUT WE HIDE SOMETHING LATER..." "SEE YOU TONIGHT?" "OH, SHE'S GOT GOOD HIDING PLACES." "(beeping)" "(gasps) THAT'S THE LANDLORD!" "HE'S ON HIS WAY UP." "MY PIROGIES ARE HOT AND READY." "SO ARE MINE." "WOW!" "YOU LOOK AMAZING." "BUT, UM, I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE LOPSIDED." "OH, WELL, YOU KNOW," "WE RAN OUT OF TOILET PAPER BEFORE I COULD FINISH STUFFING LEFTY." "HUH." "SO, HOW'D YOU GET HIM UP HERE, SO FAST?" "OH, WELL, I TOLD HIM THE SINK WAS CLOGGED." "(in a sexy voice) FROM ALL OF OUR PILLOW FIGHTS." "(laughs) GREAT, GREAT." "UM, I ONLY ASK YOU THIS BECAUSE I KNOW YOU." "DID YOU REMEMBER TO CLOG THE SINK?" "OH, QUICK!" "PUT A LITTLE OF YOUR BIGGER BOOBIE IN THERE!" "OH, GOD!" "(knocking)" "AH!" "THAT'S HIM." "HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!" "COME IN." "HELLO, GIRLS." "WHICH SINK IS CLOGGED?" "I THINK IT MAY HAVE GOTTEN CLOGGED WHILE I WAS MAKING MY WORLD FAMOUS PIROGIES." "DO YOU WANT ONE?" "NO." "(grunts)" "SINK FIXED." "I GO NOW." "WAIT!" "UM..." "WE HEARD THAT APARTMENT 2B OPENED UP?" "EVERYONE WANTS 2B." "GIRL IN 4A OFFERED TO DO DISGUSTING THINGS FOR 2B." "AND SHE'S GOT TWO D'S." "JUST BECAUSE I LOST WIFE THEY THINK THEY CAN SEX ME FOR APARTMENT." "OH, THAT IS PATHETIC." "I HAVE ALLERGIES." "I GO NOW." "OH." "OR, MAYBE I STAY." "HEY, GIRLS." "JOSH WAS GETTING BUSY WITH THE ANCHORWOMAN." "AND THE BUZZ IN HER HAIR WAS NOT FROM THE NEWS CHOPPER." "SO, IS IT COOL IF I WATCH  LAW  ORDER  HERE?" "I..." "I LOVE THE  LAW  ORDER." "AND MY WIFE'S DEAD." "WELL, GREAT, COME ON IN, SIT DOWN, BOTH OF YOU!" "YEAH, WHAT GOES BETTER WITH THE  LAW  ORDER  THAN THE PIROGIES?" "MAYBE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" "OKAY, IF ANYBODY ASKS, YOU'RE HERE TO BORROW MY CAR." "OH, REALLY?" "I SHOULDN'T SAY THAT I'M HERE TO TRICK YOLANDA INTO DATING OUR LANDLORD" "SO WE CAN GET THAT APARTMENT?" "YOU KNOW, HOPEFULLY," "YOU CAN KEEP YOUR SARCASM IN OUR NEW WALK-IN CLOSET." "I JUST REALLY WANT THIS." "I HAVE TWO BEDROOM FEVER." "HEY, YOLANDA." "HEY, GIRLS." "NOTHING, I'M JUST HERE TO BORROW HER CAR." "WHAT?" "SO, HOW'S IT GOING WITH COLEMAN?" "DO YOU STILL WANT HIM TO WALK IN FRONT OF A BUS?" "OH, NO, HONEY." "I WANNA PUSH HIM IN FRONT OF ONE." "WELL, YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY JUST HAD AN IDEA." "JUST NOW." "UM, I FEEL LIKE COLEMAN NEEDS A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE." "MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO OUT WITH ANOTHER GUY AND MAKE HIM JEALOUS?" "THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, GABI." "THAT'LL TEACH HIM." "IT WOULD TEACH HIM." "ONLY ONE PROBLEM." "IF I KNEW A GUY, I WOULDN'T DATE MY EX-HUSBAND." "WELL, I JUST HAD ANOTHER IDEA." "JUST NOW." "UM, WHAT ABOUT DMITRI?" "ANOTHER GREAT IDEA, GABI!" "OOH..." "YOUR SEXY RUSSIAN LANDLORD?" "THAT GUY IS FINE." "YOU THINK YOU TWO CAN..." "SANFRAN CAFE 8:00 PM." "DON'T BE LATE." "HOW WAS YOUR RUN, MATE?" "WOULD YOU LIKE A SPOT O' BREKKIE?" "I GOOGLED AUSTRALIAN SLANG." "I'M A DELIGHT." "CAN I HAVE A CUPPA?" "THAT MEANS "CUP OF TEA."" "OH, RIGHT, SORRY." "I DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE C'S." "GABI, YOU SEEM CLOSE WITH JOSH." "WHY, WHAT'D HE TELL YOU?" "I MEAN, I'M JUST KIDDING." "WE'RE CLOSE." "CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?" "A QUESTIE?" "DO YOU THINK IT'S WRONG TO KEEP A SECRET FROM SOMEONE JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE" "WITH ONLY GOOD INTENTIONS, OF COURSE." "WELL, BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I DON'T EVEN NEED THE GOOD INTENTIONS PART." "YEAH, YOU ARE A DELIGHT." "SO, WHAT'S THE SECRET?" "I'M A MUM." "WHAT?" "YOU ARE?" "I SHARE CUSTODY OF MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD SON, BRETT." "AND, I'M AFRAID TO TELL JOSH." "THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN ACTING SO DODGY." ""DODGY." THAT'S A GOOD ONE." "WELL, LISTEN, ABOUT JOSH, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT." "JOSH LOVES LITTLE GUYS." "YOU'VE MET ELLIOT?" "YOU'RE RIGHT, GABI." "NOW I JUST NEED TO FIND THE RIGHT TIME TO TELL HIM." "WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM AFTER BREKKIE," "WHEN HE'S HAD A CUPPA," "UNLESS YOU THINK THAT'S TOO DODGY." "G'DAY!" "JOSH, I DID SOMETHING BAD." "I GOT ANDERSON COOPER'S PHONE NUMBER." "WHY IS THAT BAD?" "I STOLE SHAUNA'S PHONE TO GET IT." "ELLIOT!" "OH, IT GETS WORSE." "IN THE MIDST OF MY MISCHIEF MAKING," "I DISCOVERED SHAUNA IS CHEATING ON YOU." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" "I STUMBLED UPON A FEW TEXTS SHE SENT" "TO SOME MANWHORE NAMED BRETT." "YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS," "AND YOU INVADED HER PRIVACY!" "READ 'EM TO ME." ""I MISS KISSING YOUR FACE."" "THAT'S NOT SO BAD." ""CAN'T WAIT TO CRAWL INTO BED WITH YOU TONIGHT."" "GETTING WORSE." ""BOUGHT A BUNCH OF NEW TOYS WE CAN PLAY WITH TOGETHER."" "OH, GOD." "SHE BOUGHT US TOYS TO PLAY WITH, TOO." "OH MY GOD, THEY GOT TOWEL WARMERS ON SALE." "SHOULD I GET ONE?" "NO." "GET TWO." "ONE FOR EACH BATHROOM!" "YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'RE GETTING TOO EXCITED ABOUT THIS." "WE DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW DMITRI AND YOLANDA'S DATE WENT." "BUT, THEY LEFT ON THEIR DATE THREE HOURS AGO." "CAN I AT LEAST JUST ADD TO CART?" "MAN, WE ARE OBSESSING OVER THIS." "WE GOTTA FIND SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA TAKE OUR MIND OF THE APARTMENT." "APARTMENT." "HEH." "WHAT APARTMENT?" "OH MY GOD, IT'S NOT WORKING." "WE HAVE TO GO OVER THERE!" "OKAY." "OH, GIRLS." "OH, DMITRI." "HOW DID YOUR DATE GO?" "THIS IS FIRST DATE I'VE BEEN ON." "WELL, SINCE WIFE DEAD." "I THOUGHT IT NEVER HAPPEN," "BUT I'M IN LOVE!" "HE'S IN LOVE!" "YOLANDA IS BEE'S KNEES!" "YEAH." "SHE IS TOTALLY BEE'S KNEES." "SO, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME" "WHERE YOU SAID THAT YOU OWE ME?" "WELL, I DO." "UM, I WAS JUST WONDERING," "IF MAYBE THIS COULD POSSIBLY" "WE WANT APARTMENT 2B!" "YEAH." "GIRLS, YOU SCRATCH MY BACK, I SCRATCH YOURS..." "WITH TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT!" "YAY!" "THANK YOU!" "I'VE NOT BEEN SO HAPPY SINCE RELEASE FROM LABOR CAMP." "THANK YOU, THANK YOU." "I BRING YOU LEASE ON MONDAY." "OKAY." "WE GOT THE APARTMENT!" "SHAUNA, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANNA TALK TO YOU ABOUT." "ISN'T TALK WHAT WE DO AFTER SEX?" "WELL, TONIGHT, WE'RE TALKING BEFORE." "I KNOW ABOUT BRETT." "OH MY GOD, HOW'D YOU FIND OUT?" "THAT DOESN'T MATTER, JOSH." "I SWEAR I WAS GONNA TELL YOU." "BUT, YOU DIDN'T." "I WAS HOLDING BACK BECAUSE I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU." "ARE YOU?" "YES." "THAT'S WHY I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO MEET HIM." "MEET HIM?" "BRETT?" "WHY..." "WHY?" "BECAUSE YOU'RE THE TWO MEN IN MY LIFE." "HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THE THREE OF US HAD A LITTLE PLAYDATE?" "A PLAY WHAT NOW?" "UH, OKAY." "YOU WANT BRETT TO COME HERE." "AND PLAY WITH ME AND YOU?" "ALL OF US TOGETHER." "TOGETHER..." "WOW, TOGETHER..." "LOOK, JOSH, I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE IN." "BUT, IF YOU'RE NOT INTO IT, I'M SORRY, IT'S KIND OF A DEALBREAKER FOR ME." "DEALBREAKER..." "WOW." "DEALBREAKER." "(phone beeps)" "UGH, IT'S WORK." "I GOTTA GET DOWN TO THE STUDIO." "A MAN IN ARKANSAS PROPOSED TO SIRI, AND SHE SAID YES!" "I'M SORRY." "I HAVE TO RUN." "BUT, WHAT DO YOU SAY?" "I CAN BRING BRETT HERE TOMORROW NIGHT?" "OKAY, HONESTLY, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT THIS." "DON'T BE." "THE THREE OF US ARE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER!" "NOW REST UP." "BRETT CAN REALLY WEAR YOU OUT." "JOSH, IS THERE ANY FURNITURE THAT YOU DON'T NEED IN HERE?" "BECAUSE I AM SIGNING THE LEASE ON MY NEW TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT TOMORROW..." "WHOA." "WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?" "YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THE BOMB THAT SHAUNA DROPPED ON MY LAST NIGHT." "OH, DID SHE FINALLY TELL YOU ABOUT BRETT?" "YEAH!" "HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BRETT?" "CALM DOWN, OKAY?" "IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL." "MAYBE NOT FOR SOME GUYS." "YOU ARE NOT SOME GUYS." "YOU'RE NOT GONNA FREAK OUT AT THE FIRST CURVEBALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP THROWS YOU." "I'M FINE WITH THE CURVES." "IT'S THE BALLS I'M WORRIED ABOUT." "GABI, THE DATE WAS PERFECT!" "IT ENDED WITH SEX ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR." "OH..." "DMITRI MUST HAVE SOME MOVES." "DID HE HAVE YOU ON YOUR BEE'S KNEES?" "DMITRI?" "I'M TALKING ABOUT COLEMAN." "YOUR PLAN TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS WORKED." "GIRL, I'M MOVING BACK IN." "NO!" "THAT'S AWFUL..." "LY FAST FOR YOU TO FORGIVE HIM." "YOU HAVE TO GO ON ANOTHER DATE WITH DMITRI." "WHY WOULD I DO THAT?" "BECAUSE OF THE LEASE..." "UH, IT'S THE "LEASE" YOU COULD DO" "TO KEEP HIM SUPER JEALOUS." "GABI, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT USED TO ONE OF YOUR PLANS WORKING," "BUT THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY!" "OH, YEAH, I'M TOTALLY HAPPY." "HEY, QUICK QUESTION." "CAN I INTEREST YOU" "IN SOME SLIGHTLY USED TOWEL WARMERS?" "YOLANDA'S BACK WITH COLEMAN?" "OH MY GOD, DMITRI'S GONNA FIND OUT." "WE'RE NOT GONNA GET THAT APARTMENT AND MRS. JACOBSEN DIED FOR NOTHING." "STOP, OKAY, LISTEN." "WE CAN STILL SAVE THIS." "WE JUST HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT DMITRI DOESN'T CALL YOLANDA" "UNTIL AFTER WE SIGN THE LEASE TOMORROW MORNING." "STOP IT, OKAY." "WHAT'S THE POINT?" "IT'S OVER." "I'M JUST GONNA GO TAKE ONE LAST LOOK AND KISS GASTON GOODBYE." "UH, WHO IS GASTON?" "THE DISHWASHER." "I NAMED HIM." "BLONDE ONE!" "I NEED ADVICE." "SHOULD I INVITE YOLANDA FOR WINE AND SPY EXPERIENCE IN THE NAPA?" "I HAVE GROUPON." "LISTEN, DMITRI, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING." "YOLANDA DOESN'T LIKE YOU." "THERE ARE JETS IN THE BATHTUB!" "SHE LOVES YOU." "OH!" "REALLY?" "UH, YES." "BUT, WE WERE SWORN TO SECRECY." "SO, YOU CAN'T TELL HER THAT I TOLD YOU, OKAY?" "IT JUST" " YOU KNOW, JUST DON'T-- ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, DON'T TALK TO HER AT ALL." "WHAT?" "WHY I NO TALK IF SHE'S IN LOVE?" "BECAUSE IN AMERICA YOU HAVE TO WAIT THREE DAYS BEFORE CALLING A WOMAN." "OTHERWISE YOU LOOK NEEDY." "BUT, I DON'T WANT TO WAIT." "IN RUSSIA, WE HAVE SAYING," ""YOU SNOOZE, YOU FREEZE TO DEATH."" "WELL, WE LIVE IN AMERICA." "SO, IF YOU WANT YOLANDA TO THINK YOU'RE A MAN," "YOU KNOW, JUST DON'T CALL HER UNTIL AFTER MONDAY." "YOU AMERICANS SO CONFUSING." "WITH MY FIRST WIFE, I ASK HER TO MARRY ME," "SHE SAY "EH." NEXT MORNING WE MARRIED." "OKAY." "HERE WE GO." "BILLANDTED'S SEXCELLENTADVENTURE." "LET'S SEE WHAT THIS WHOLE TWO GUYS ONE GIRL STUFF IS ABOUT." "MAYBE IT'S NOT SO BAD." "(seductive guitar music plays)" "MMM..." "UH-UH-UH, IT IS BAD." "EWW, WHAT'S THAT GIRL DOING IN THERE?" "REMEMBER BRETT?" "GUY SHAUNA'S CHEATING ON ME WITH?" "THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY OVER HERE TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH ME." "REALLY?" "WELL, AS YOUR PUBLICIST, I THINK THAT'S A BAD IDEA." "BUT, AS YOUR FRIEND, YOU GO, GIRL." "LOOK, I ONLY SAID YES BECAUSE SHAUNA'S SO COOL." "I DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM UNCOOL," "BUT I AM UNCOOL, ELLIOT." "I AM UNCOOL IN THAT WAY." "IN EVERY OTHER WAY, I AM COOL." "JOSH, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER." "(doorbell rings)" "THAT'S THEM." "OKAY, LOOK." "GO OUT THERE AND TELL THEM I CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY?" "JUST GO" " IT'S TOO HARD." "TOO HARD." "NO, I" "DON'T SAY THAT." "UH, I GOTTA BACK OUT." "BACK OUT." "THAT'S EVEN" " ELLIOT!" "I'M WORKING." "YOU GO OUT AND THERE AND YOU TELL THEM I'M WORKING." "HEY, ELLIOT, MEET MY SON, BRETT." "THIS IS BRETT?" "AND THERE'S ONE OF YOUR NEW TOYS." "WELL, THIS IS GONNA BE FUNNY." "ARE THEY GONE?" "SORRY, JOSH, BUT YOU SHOULD GO OUT THERE." "BRETT IS CUTE." "MIGHT EVEN BE CUTER THAN YOU." "SEE, THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" "EITHER I'M GONNA BE SECOND BANANA, OR HE'S GONNA BE SECOND BANANA." "EITHER WAY, IT'S TOO MANY BANANAS!" "WELL, TELL THEM YOURSELF." "BUT, BE NICE." "I GET THE SENSE THAT IF YOU HURT HIS FEELINGS, BRETT MIGHT CRY." "BEEN THERE." "HI, JOSH." "I WANT YOU TO MEET" "SHAUNA..." "I'M SORRY." "I CAN'T DO THIS." "THIS IS MY SON, BRETT." "THE OTHER MAN IN MY LIFE." "BRETT, THIS IS JOSH." "HI, JOSH." "DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY TRUCK?" "OH, BRETT!" "YOU ARE AN ADORABLE LITTLE MAN!" "I'M GONNA BUY YOU A REAL TRUCK." "OKAY, EVERYTHING'S READY." "PENS READY TO SIGN, CHAMPAGNE READY TO POP." "WELL, THE ONLY THING MISSING IS DMITRI WITH THE LEASE," "AND HE SAID HE'D BE HERE AT 9:00." "RELAX, IT'S ONLY 9:02." "THAT IS TWO EXTRA MINUTES WE COULD HAVE BEEN RENTING THAT APARTMENT." "(knocking)" "OH MY GOD, THAT'S HIM." "Both:" "HEY, DMITRI!" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" "OH, RIGHT!" "YOU'RE HERE TO HELP US SIGN THE LEASE." "(both laugh) RIGHT." "GIVE IT." "SO, WHICH PEN SHOULD I USE?" "I'M THINKING A BALL POINT, ROLLER BALL, SCENTED MARKER," "GLITTER PEN, OOH, A CHOPSTICK!" "(gasps) MY EpiPen!" "NO PEN!" "BECAUSE IT'S A RUSSIAN CUSTOM TO SIGN IN BLOOD?" "BECAUSE WE ARE FINE WITH THAT." "ARE YOU FINE?" "BECAUSE DMITRI NOT SO FINE." "YOU TELL ME NOT TO CALL YOYOSKI, I NO CALL." "BUT I AM PASSIONATE MAN, SO I GO TO HER HOUSE" "BEARING GIFTS OF VODKA AND SMOKED SALMON." "UH-OH." "OH, BOY." "AND SHE GET IN HUGE FIGHT WITH BOYFRIEND." "OH, BOY." "UH-OH." "ALL THE WAY HOME I THINKING WHY WOULD GIRLS LIE TO ME?" "AND THEN, IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICK." "YOU MANIPULATE ME TO GET APARTMENT!" "YOU BAD GIRLS!" "WELL, LISTEN, DMITRI, WE'RE REALLY, REALLY SORRY." "YES, PLEASE LET US MAKE IT UP TO YOU." "NO." "NO APARTMENT FOR YOU!" "(gasps)" "I GIVE TO SOMEONE ELSE." "SOMEONE WHO DESERVE IT." "WHAT?" "NO!" "WHO?" "HEY!" "GOT A PEN?" "NOW THAT WAS THE BEST I'M SORRY CALAMARI I'VE EVER HAD." "SO, YOU FORGIVE US FOR TOTALLY SCREWING UP YOUR LIFE?" "WELL, IN A WAY, YOU TWO GIRLS DID ME A FAVOR." "COLEMAN GOT SO MAD ABOUT DMITRI," "HE WOUND UP ADMITTING HE DID CHEAT WITH THE WAITRESS." "AND HIS HAIRDRESSER." "AND THE DOGWALKER." "WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOG!" "HA!" "OKAY, SO WHAT ARE WE WATCHING FOR OUR FIRST MOVIE NIGHT, NEIGHBOR?" "I GRABBED IT FROM JOSH'S OFFICE." "IT'S A CLASSIC." "BILLANDTED'S EXCELLENTADVENTURE." "(seductive guitar music plays)" "I DIDN'T KNOW KEANU WAS BLACK." "WHY IS EVERYBODY NAKED?" "THEY ARE REALLY STEAMING UP THAT PHONE BOOTH." "GIMME THAT REMOTE." "I GOTTA TURN THIS UP." "(laughing)" "(in Russian accent) WE ARE BAD GIRLS!"