"And now, back to the one man in America who really gets it." "Alrighty, welcome back." "I'm here with the lovely Debra and her beau, Joel." "Now let's slap on our swim trunks and go for a dip in Lake Joel." "What is going on?" "The little lady says you have no direction, no passion." "The audience wants to hear your story," "I wanna hear your story." "Uh, r-right now, I work at..." "At Gutters." "It's, uh..." "It's a bowling alley." "Bowling, all right." "I bowled a 280 last week." "Uh, college grad like you must be what, manager?" "Uh, um, no, actually, no." "I, uh..." "I give out the shoes, and then when, uh, when they come back, I..." "I spray them." "And then" "I put them in..." "In their..." "Their cub..." "Their cubbies." "This is what I'm talking about." "He..." "He has no joie de vivre." "He got passed up for a promotion, and he didn't say a thing." "I-It's like he's content being a shoe boy." "Shoe...?" "I..." "Listen." "Eddie needed the job more than I did." "Come on, Joel, a young buck like you should have the world at his toes." "Now, I want you to think back for me." "When you were a kid, did you ever think that you would be handling other people's rented shoes?" "No." "No." "Not exactly, no, no." "B-But work isn't everything." "I'm happy." "I am." "I-I've got the best friends in the world." "And I've got Debra." "You came here for one thing, but I'm hearing another." "Am I right, audience?" "It sounds like Joel here wants to scurry home instead of facing the truth." "Yeah!" "I think you're the one that's crying out for help." "Me." "Mm-hm." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "Are you willing to see the situation for what it is?" "'Cause he ain't." "He's hiding in the shady knoll, you know, looking for unicorns, hoping no one finds him." "Yeah." "The point is, this relationship is nothing but a bunch of hooey." "Whoa!" "Whoa, hey, wait up." "We came here for career advice." "Dagnab it, Joel, put a cork in it." "Now, I know this is tough for you." "But you know what you need to do." "Don't you?" "Joel I think..." "I think Dr. Dwayne is right." "What?" "I can't be with you anymore." "No, no." "I can't be with you anymore." " Isn't that great?" " Yes!" "Wait a minute, wait..." "What is going on?" "Listen, you need to shape up is what's going on with you." "You've got a long road ahead of you." "And I am happy to say that you are not taking her with you." "No, you're not." "Ha-ha!" "Joel..." "I think Dr. Dwayne is right." "I can't be with you anymore." " Joel." " Joel." "Joel." " Joel." " Joel?" "Joel..." "Joel..." "Joel..." "Seriously, dude, you gotta snap out of it." "This is not healthy." " Hi, Ben." " Hey, Joel." "Where'd you come from?" "I came from outside." "Hi." "For crying in the night, buddy, have you stopped bathing?" "You look like shit, and you smell like shit." "What's the point?" "We all die dirty." "All right." "Well, look, that may be, but I had my last final today." "My bar exam is in four months." "So right now, it's all about getting you out of this funk." "All right, home skillet?" "Buddy, I love you." "You're my best friend." "And I'm really sorry that Deb broke up with you." "That really sucks." "But look on the bright side, huh?" "I mean, it's not gonna get any worse." "I got fired last week." "Fantastic." "Mr. Wendell said I wasn't fit to work in the bowling industry." "He called me an "assface."" "Said my face..." "looks like an ass." "Your face doesn't look like an ass." "Much." "Seriously, from here on in, there's nowhere to go but up." "No!" "Yes." "Up, up, up, here we go." "Come on, come on." "On your feet." "On your feet." "Good God, you stink." "Come on now, just gonna bring you on a little trip to the window here." "Yeah, huh?" "Come on, Nosferatu." "Who's got a brilliant idea?" "I've got a brilliant idea." "Let's go hop in your ride." "Take the top down, huh?" "Don't answer it." "Hi, honey, it's your mother." "Listen, I thought you should know that your father took Buckets to the dog park." "Buckets!" "Well, there was a very aggressive pug mix there." "And your father thought they were just humping, you know, like dogs do?" "And, well... he didn't make it." "Oh, Harold!" "Buckets?" "My Buckets?" "Okay, Joel, focus, focus." "Look." "Look at me, okay?" "I am not gonna bullshit you anymore." "Today is a really, really shitty day." "But..." "But things are gonna turn around." "I can smell it." "Wyatt?" "Gentlemen." "How many times have I applied to the Oscar Mayer Wiener internship?" "Eleven." "And how many times have I been rejected?" "Twelve." "That's also correct, I did call that one time." "Whatever." "To answer the question that you haven't asked yet, but I know you want to, "Where has Wyatt been all week?"" "Well, I'll tell you where he's been." "He's been in the process of creating his own wiener wagon with every last penny in his pocket." "That's right!" "Wyatt's Wiener Wagon." "Wyatt?" "Yes." "This is an authentic, chrome-plated, winged wiener." "Mwah." "One of only 600,000 made." "Can I ask a stupid question?" "Puh-tat-too-put-tat-tat-top-pah." "Now, why have I spent every last penny in my pocket on this wiener wagon and 12,000 frozen hot dogs?" "It's called taking action, bitches." "Okay?" "I will distribute hot dogs across these great Estados Unidos, and prove once and for all that I am wiener-worthy." "So you're gonna drive thousands of miles on your own dime to distribute wieners across these, as you put it, great Estados Unidos to advertise for a company that's rejected you resoundingly 12 times." "Correctamundo." "It's a self-promotion blitzkrieg." "And it..." "It wouldn't be a road trip without my two other angels." "Hm?" "Want a walkie-talkie?" "Come on, you can be Lucy Liu." "Me?" "I think I'll go inside." "There's chips... under the La-Z-Boy." "Okay, bro, you go get suited up." "We blast off in 60." "Were you dropped as an infant?" "Cameron Diaz would not say that to Drew Barrymore." "I am not Cameron Diaz." "You are not Drew Barrymore." "Joel is not Lucy Liu." "At least not yet." "He's going through a lot of shit right now." "Are you completely clueless?" "Well, here's a clue." "I've mapped out our entire trip, and the final stop on the tour is Los Angeles." "When we get there, there's a certain resident by the name of Dr. Dwayne." "What the hell are you talking about?" "I'm talking about opening up the largest can of whoop-ass that's ever been crizzacked." "Crizzacked, I got it." "So you wanna go kick Dr. Dwayne's ass." "Oh, no." "We're gonna hold him down while Joel beats the bejesus out of him, until he cries for his mommy." "His momma." "You've lost it." "Drake..." "Hanswald." "And the name Drake Hanswald..." "You're in the Gaylord Club, you little douche." "And you're about to join the Smashed Face Club." "Will never pass our lips again." "Dude, don't do it." "I didn't." "No, no, no, no." "No, we promised." "We made a pact!" "Why...?" "Why...?" "Why would you bring that up?" "Why?" "I'll tell you why!" "Because he never stood up for himself back then." "Never stood up for himself at all." "With girls, his jobs, everything." "Dr. Dwayne pulled a Drake Hanswald on Joel on national television." "But this time, he's fighting back like his forefathers before him." "You know, Lex Luthor tried to Drake Hanswald Superman." "And what did Superman do?" "Did he curl up next to a piece of kryptonite and die?" "No!" "That crazy lady, Mrs. Teschmacher, jumped into the pool and took the necklace off of him so he could fight back." "We have to be that crazy lady that take the necklace off of Joel." "All right, uh, little Timmy O'Shaemus, that's enough." "Here's a dollar." "Go play somewhere else." "Oh, jeepers." "Thanks, mister." "So I go back to your original question." "Clueless?" "Perhaps you meant, uh, brilliant." "No." "I didn't mean that." "You're still an idiot." "Joel is never gonna agree to do this." "Oh, well, you leave that up to me." "I can persuade Joel." "He trusts me." "What...?" "What the hell...?" "What the hell are you doing, Wyatt?" "Hey, relax, man." "Eighty-seven percent of the time, there's no permanent side effects." "You drugged him?" "Just help me get his limp body into the car." "Are you out of your...?" "Uh-oh." "Now, just what are you two boys up to?" "Hi, Mrs. Harrison." "Hey." "Something fishy's going on here." "Is that a new perfume?" "I don't smell a thing." "What...?" "You got a little something on your mouth." "Wyatt..." "Wyatt!" "Uh, just breathe in." "Take it in." "Just relax and go to sleepy-bye, sleepy-bye." "Oh, dear." "All right, don't worry." "She won't remember a thing." "But she might lose bladder control." "Wyatt, you are freaking out of your mind, man." "This is not a fun trip." "This is not starting well." "I mean, look at him, look at that punim." "He looks so peaceful." "He looks like somebody famous." "Oh." "Hey, buddy." "Got you some eggs there." "Might wanna eat up." "Gonna need your strength." "Oh, that's good." "Where are we?" "West Virginia." "It's for lovers." "What?" "What?" "Ah..." "Oh..." "Okay, try and follow me, Joel." "I can hear you fine." "Wha...?" "What the hell are we doing?" "What the hell is going on?" "We drugged you." "Yeah." "And, uh, we're traveling across the country to L.A." "so you can kick the crap out of Dr. Dwayne." "Yeah." "Dr. Dwayne?" "I went to school with Dr. Dwayne." "Really?" "Yep." "Said I was special in my own way." "You know, you're special in your own way." "Felt me up." "Now say, "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."" "Uh..." "Yeah, I'm cuckoo..." "Uh, I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, yeah." "...For Cocoa Puffs?" "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "And then dumped me on prom night." "You tell him Muriel says, "Rot in hell, bitch."" "All right." "I'll, uh..." "I'll go start the car." "Need to look for a new job tomorrow." "Worst comes to worst," "I can always go back to babysitting." "Oh." "Oh, boy." "Steady now." "Probably not a good time to mention the moustache?" "Yeah." "Wow." "This gravel feels like shiatsu." "Look, Joel, I..." "You're not a loser, and I wasn't trying to say that." "Now, look, it's okay." "You're right." "I'm 24 years old with a college degree, and I rent out bowling shoes for a living." "You used to rent out bowling shoes." "Who could blame Deb?" "I would've dumped me too." "I don't even know why you guys hang out with me." "I-I mean, when we were kids, yeah, yeah, I was..." "I was the one on the block with the trampoline, but I don't even have that anymore." "My dad put it on eBay, without even asking me." "Actually, I was kind of hanging out with you 'cause you had Nintendo." "Your dad still has that, right?" "Look, this road trip was a really cool idea." "It..." "It is." "I just..." "I..." "It's not gonna make things go back to the way they were." "Buddy, it's not about going back." "This is about your happiness." "This is about standing up for yourself." "And so what?" "Who cares, man?" "Worst-case scenario, you get a road trip with your two best friends." "Come on, buddy." "Road trip?" "Huh?" "Friends?" "Ah." "Wieners." "Wieners." "You know what?" "Yeah, okay, let's do it." " Really?" " Yeah, screw it." "Let's go to L.A. and let's put the smack on." "Well, "down." What?" "You don't put the smack on, you..." "You put the smack down." "It is "smack down."" "Wyatt is right." "Oh, yeah, Joel." "Uh, we made you look like Adolf Hitler." "That's pretty funny." "¶ I catch myself ¶" "¶ I was dreamin' Of the West Coast ¶" "¶ Surfers and stars Beaches and bars ¶" "Oh, hi." "Sorry, excuse me." "¶ Just lookin' for a reason To leave this place ¶" "¶ Something's wrong When the bar's... ¶" "Snap." "Hello." "Pimpin'." "Ah!" "Oh..." "Okay." "Think I should talk to her?" "Of course you should." "She could be the one." "But look at me." "I look like an idiot, a diabetic." "You do look like an idiot, so what?" "Whatever, you need to go." "You see that yoga mat?" "Put it down." "Put it in the van." "What're you talking about?" "Let's do it." " Hey." " Hi." "Check out the getaway sticks on her." "All right." "Did you see that gun?" "¶ West to California Sing the blues away ¶" "I'm telling you guys," "Jack LaLanne is a modern-day prophet." "Really help you guys out with that round tire..." "Whoa..." "Ow!" "Oh." "Oh." "Thank you, thank you." "Whoo." "Get it out!" "Get it out!" "Uh, you got a little something on your face there, boys." "I don't know..." "I don't know what it is." "Janet, what in the diggity wiggity happened to you?" "My idiot brother shot me with his BB gun." "Why would you do that, Tommy, why?" "I was cleaning the gun, and it went off." "Whatever." "It was an accident." "No, it wasn't." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on." "Let's get our stories straight, okay, partners?" "Now, Tommy, you were just sort of cleaning your BB gun, and all of a sudden it went off, like that?" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Like that, huh?" "Huh, like that?" "How about that?" "How about that, son?" "Huh?" "How do you like that?" "All right, let me ask, how is this all gonna go down?" "I mean, I've..." "I've never been in a fight before, guys." "No, hey, that's not true." "You remember that slap fight you had with Adam Heiman in the third grade?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Yeah." "I'm pretty sure I lost that one." " Yeah." " Put up a good fight." " Thanks." " His right arm was, like, orangutan strong 'cause he didn't have a left one." "It's true." "You know, that thing was practically bionic." "I-I did my best, though." "Dude, seriously, sometimes I thought, when he was going to pick something up, that I could hear that..." "[SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN EFFECT]" "Oh, good times, good times." "Yeah." "Is it sad that the only fight I've ever been in was with a 7-year-old, one-armed boy?" "Yeah." "Hell, yeah." "There's the exit, man." "Benny, fire up the hot pot." "We've got our first stop on the tour:" "Bilbo, Tennessee." "Hot dogs, get your free hot dogs here." "Anybody want a hot dog?" "I'm giving them away free." "Free means no money." "Se habla español." "No tengo dinero es okay." "Come and get your free hot dog now." "Better than candy." "Wyatt, can we please move on to the next town?" "This one is obviously dead." "No." "I'm not leaving Bilbo, Tennessee, till I give out at least one free hot dog, thank you." "Come on, folks, it's time to get up..." "I can't take the stench anymore." "I'm going for a walk." "Yeah, I could move around too." "Hot dogs." "Come on and..." "And get 'em." "Oh, boy." "Can you handle the mob on your own?" "Hot dogs." "Somebody want a free hot dog?" "Anyone?" "Anybody, free hot dog." "Anyone, anyb...?" "Ho!" "Ho, sir." "Uh, do you want a free hot dog, sir?" "Use a free hot dog?" "Hello, sir, do you want a free... hot... dog?" "What did you do to 'em?" "Uh, nothing, sir." "It's just a free hot dog." "Some kind of trick?" "No." "It's not a trick." "So how old are you?" "Twenty-four." "Well, bring one over." "All right." "Hey, um, did you want any mustard, or, uh, ketchup...?" "Or, uh, relish, or anything like that?" "Just the meat'll do." "All right, here." "Try this, see how you like..." "No." "No." "Wait a second." "Mm." "Not bad." "Pretty quiet out here today." "We must be the only two people out here for miles." "Just me and you." "Um, my friends just went for a walk." "You know, they'll probably be back any minute!" "You smell like beef and sweat." "Probably a s-s-short walk." "They gonna..." "Coming..." "Hush now." "Let me take you away from all this." "I..." "I want to stay." "¶ Darlin', you want me ¶" "¶ Please don't release me ¶" "¶ I want to be captured By your love ¶" "Kierkegaard, schmierkegaard." "The guy's a..." "Get in the van." "Get in the van!" "What?" "Get in the van!" "Wyatt." "Get in the van right now." "Man, I will leave you." "Get in the van right now." "Let's go." "Man, let's go!" " Ho." " Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Calm down, calm down." "Wyatt." "Wyatt." "Wyatt." "Buddy, what happened?" "Nothing." "Nothing happened." "Nothing happened." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "What's wrong with me?" "What would be wrong with you if some guy was sucking on your finger?" "Dude, what are you talking about?" "I'm talking about cowboy boots and man-gina." "I mean, one minute I was giving him a free hot dog, and the next thing I know, he had my finger in his mouth." "Hey..." "I don't want to talk about it." "Buddy, that's..." "You're fine." "That's cool." "Settle down, it's..." "It's..." "It's perfectly normal..." "Really?" "Yeah." "Eh, just forget about it." "Forget about it." "You're fine." "Look, you're fine." "He's fine." "We're fine, you're fine." "Okay." "Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm fine, right?" " Yeah." " Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm fine." "Yeah." "Oh, hey, Ben." "Yes, my friend." "I was, uh..." "I was thinking," "Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch." "That's a good one." "Yes." " I could go for chicken." " Great idea." "I'm pickin' up what you're layin' down." "You know, I might even go so far as to say that it's finger-lickin' good." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You guys are assholes." "A guy sucked on your finger?" "Yeah, like your dad used to suck on your balls." "Masturbating in an elevator?" "Ding-ding, going down." "Oh." "How about that?" "Hey, what's going on?" "Hey." "Just relaxing." "Where the hell's Wyatt?" "Washing his finger." "Still." "Okay, well, get up, get dressed." "We're going out." "I scoped out this place down the street." "I'm watching something." "Oh." "Oh, TV, well, that's not bad." " Well, what's on, let me see?" " Here." "Those are the channels..." "Oh, I accidentally turned it off." " Hey." " We're going to the bar." "It'll be good therapy for you." "You can get drunk and talk about your feelings." "I don't know, I..." "I go through ups and downs." "I guess..." "You know, uh..." "Maybe I loved her." "I know it..." "I know it sounds clichéd, but I..." "I feel empty on the inside." "It's like I'm hollow." "Oh, honey, do you want to put your face in my boobs again?" "¶ Yeah, mama Why don't you do that there?" "¶" "I guess." "¶ Why don't you Grind right there?" "¶" "I'm not that regular a stripper person." "¶ Party's jumpin' I'm tryin' to do somethin' ¶" "I don't know, buddy, is this really helping Joel?" "Mm." "You smell great." "Yeah, this was definitely a good call." "Oh, time expired already, baby?" "Well, let's feed that meter." "Uh, you forgot one." "You guys, I'm cold." "Can't we put the comforter on?" "No, man, haven't you seen those 20/20 episodes?" "I'm not cuddling up next to someone else's jizz." "Too late for that, dude." "You're an idiot." "Would you both please shut up?" "Goodnight, Ben." "Goodnight, Wyatt." "Goodnight, Joel." "Goodnight, Wyatt." "Goodnight killers of Arkansas, lurking outside our window." "Damn!" "Oh, God." "I'm sleeping in the van." "Yes, you do drive like a maniac." "No, I don't." "What the...?" "Well, well, well." "Welcome to Tofu Town, boys." "Mwah." "What the hell was that?" "That's friggin' defamation of character, right there." "That is disgusting." "That is the sexiest loogie ever hawked." "What?" "She was hot." "Dude, it was like her mouth ejaculated." "I know." "Well, she's gonna get out here and clean it!" "Shh." "Shh." "Shh." "Come on." "Look, let's be honest, she probably didn't even know she did it." "She probably didn't even notice." "I mean, maybe..." "Maybe she was coughing, I don't know." "I know that a lot of people have that problem, though." "I've been hit in the face before, and there's nothing you can..." "No, no, no, that loogie had a purpose." "Dude." "Dude, dudes, wait a minute." "This..." "This is perfect." "What, the loogie cementing itself to my windshield?" "No..." "No, Wyatt." "This is a perfect practice run for Joely." " No." " Yes!" " Yes." " Hell yes." "You're gonna get in there, you're gonna confront those hippies head-on." "Head-on, baby." "Come on." "Come on, what are they gonna do, hug you to death?" "This is a perfect first step." "Yes." "Come on, man, you go in there, and you tell 'em." "They don't clean that stuff off, you're gonna go psycho on their shit." "Psycho on their shit." "No, I'm not going psycho on anybody's shit." "You're so friggin' lame." "Lemme show you how it's done, all right?" "Lesson number one:" "It all starts when I get up and make eye contact." "I rise." "I shift into attack mode." "And now we dance." "Orange stands for joy." " Aw." " The green stands..." "Hey, bitches." "Bitches, huh?" "Well, t-this should be fun." "I think you might've left something on my windshield." "Oh, yeah." "It's a loogie." "I know what it is." "Yeah, uh, do you also know that big hunk of flesh with your bright, smiley face on it promotes the violent death of innocent animals everywhere you go?" "What are you doing but driving around in a big giant sponge?" "It's tofu." "It's a soy-based meat alternative." "Hello." "Oh, well, hot dogs are meat-based soy alternatives." "How you like me n...?" "Yeah, I think you better go back over to your little cavemen friends before I hawk another one in your face." "Easy, chief." "We can handle this." "Okay, so, it sounds to me like, number one:" "You're not apologizing." "And number two:" "You're not gonna clean that thing off my windshield?" "A for the weenie guy." "Sarcasm." "That's how it's gonna be?" "Maybe a little." "Lemme tell you how I'm gonna be." "Full of meat!" "Uh, you know what?" "You won't be needing this." "Steak sauce, you don't need that." "What, you gonna put steak sauce on tofu?" "It ain't steak." "So how'd that go, chief?" "Well, you know, I said what I needed to say when I said it." "To establish authority, you dig?" "They'll think twice about messing with us again, thank you." "No!" "One, two, three, four, five." "No." "One, two, three, four, five." "No, oh, aw, it's gone." "Oh, it's definitely gone." "My hood ornament, man..." "Oh, wait a second." "You guys are funny guys." "You took my winged wiener." "Please... tell me it was you." "Oh." "I'm gonna kill every bone in those hippies' bodies." "Yeah, you can't really kill a bone, dude." "Without that hood ornament, my vehicle isn't regulation." "I could get fired for this." "You don't even work for the company!" "Not the point." "I need my hood ornament, man." "Are you kidding me?" "Could be anywhere by now." "Man, I have seen it all." "A gigantic hot dog." "What are you eating?" "Bean curd." "Bunch of hippies in a big sponge giving this stuff out for free." "What do I gotta do to get a free hot dog?" "Focus." "Where's the sponge?" "Took off down that dirt road." "Get in, get in." "I'm g..." "I'm going, I'm going." "I'm getting in." "I'm getting in." "You mean I don't get my free hot dog?" "Ah, there they are." "Wyatt, slow it down." "Man, this thing was built for speed." "Really?" "A giant hot dog built for speed?" "Holy shit." "What...?" "What is that?" "That's not good." "Help me." "Oh, d..." "Dang it..." "Wyatt." "Wyatt." " Slow this thing down, man." " I'm serious." "I've got some major pucker factor going on right now." "Dude, take your foot off the accelerator now." "Do you have a valid license?" "They're over there." "I didn't come to speed around..." "Better to catch 'em." "...ln a giant hot dog!" "What?" "No!" "Ah!" "Look at my baby." "Oh, look at this!" "No wonder I've been rejected 11 times." "Hey, hey, it's, uh, totally fixable." "Glue's come a long way." "Joel." "Joel, look at this." "Is this...?" "Am I bleeding?" " Dude, it's just a bump." " Oh, yeah?" "You are such an idiot." " Shut up." " You shut up." " Guys, come on." " No." "No, Joel." "He's a moron." "He's acting like a complete idiot, and we have to pay the price." "That's why your nose is gushing blood, and I've got a lump on my head." "Your entire head is a lump." " I'm done talking to you." " Fine." "I'm done talking to you for the rest of the trip." "I already started." "Look at this." "Stupid wiener." "Remember when lan Rosenbluth would wedge the chalk into the eraser in Doc Summergrad's class?" "And..." "And every time Summergrad would go to the board and try to erase, he'd get that fatty streak of chalk?" "It was amazing!" "That kid was great!" "Oh, my God." "Ian Rosenbluth, he's a genius." "Oh, did you...?" "Did you see that sign?" "Did you see that?" "That's a sign." "That's a sign." "That's what this trip is all about." "My best friends helping me take a stand." "Hey, look at me." "You know, look at me." "It's working." "I'm not scared of that." "I wasn't scared of that at all." "Punch that poster in the face." "Turn around." "Turn around, I want to punch that poster in the face." "What do you guys think of that?" "Come on, I-I want to hear your thoughts." "I'm listening now." "¶ The Camptown ladies Sing this song ¶" "¶ Doo-dah, doo-dah ¶" "¶ The Camptown racetrack's Five miles long ¶" "¶ Les Camptown señoritas ¶" "¶ Cantan, questa cantan ¶" "¶ I bet my money On a bob-tailed nag ¶" "¶ Somebody bet on the gray ¶" "¶ Da Camptown bitches Sing some shit ¶" "¶ Doo-dah, dizzle ¶" "¶ You gonna suck my doo-dah ¶" "¶ Bah-bah-de-doo-da Not today ¶" "Robot!" "Doo." "Dah." "Doo." "Dah." "The Camptown racetrack is approximately 5.2 miles long." "Duh-do-duh-do-duh-do." "Duh-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot." "Dah!" "Nothing?" "Nothing at all?" "I will hurl my body out of this car." "I swear to God, I mean it." "I've always wanted to do it." "Hey, uh, all right, all right, dude, stop." "Close the door." "Now, say something to Ben, Wyatt." "Why I gotta go first?" "Oh, God, Wyatt." "Oh, God, Ben." "Apologize, please." "I'm sorry that I called you a moron, ahem, and an idiot." "Thank you." "I'm sorry I said your head was a lump." "Thank you." "Oh, yeah." "Didn't even ask for that." "That was great." "That was good." "What the...?" "Hey, what do you say we go rediscover friendship, huh?" "¶ You can do Whatever you like ¶" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Whoo!" "¶ We can roll and laugh In the sunshine ¶" "¶ You don't have to Stand in the gloom ¶" "Whoa!" "We just..." "We just hit each other." "It's crazy." "I don't even know what I'm doing here." "¶ Hey, babe ¶" "¶ This is not The point of your life, girl ¶" "¶ Hey, babe ¶" "¶ We can do whatever you like ¶" "¶ Don't cry ¶" "¶ You don't ever have to Get older ¶" "¶ Hold on ¶" "¶ Just a little while longer ¶" "¶ There's gonna be Some rockin' tonight ¶" "Oh!" "Get out, get out." "Get out." "¶ We can sing and dance To a rock song ¶" "¶ You can be The talk of the town ¶" "Come on, let me get a lollipop." "Hey." "¶ You can rock 'n' roll If you want to ¶" "You're not so happy anymore, are you?" "¶ In a little while longer ¶" "¶ There's gonna be Some rockin' tonight ¶" "Boobies!" "What planet are you from, Cody?" "Do you see what I am dealing with, Dr. Dwayne?" "His teachers think he's a mental case." "Lezanne, help is on the way, my friend." "Just for you, a copy of my latest and greatest," "Earth to Mom:" "What To Do When Your Kid Thinks He's an Alien." "And if all else fails, you can use it to knock something loose." "Cloozy, cleazy, clucky, nerf that." "Buy my book." "¶ Rock 'n' roll Is gonna come on strong ¶" "¶ You can shake your ass, baby All-night party on the floor ¶" " All right, all right." " Hey, hey, hey." "Everybody calm down, calm down." "There you go." "All right, who needs a napkin?" "¶ Yeah, yeah ¶" "¶ Maybe I'd ride Or wanna get inside ¶" "¶ Got it all for you, baby ¶" "¶ Got nothin' to hide, yeah ¶" "Mm!" "¶ I got it Baby, I got it ¶" "Sometimes, you make me wanna scream and pull my hair out and just go, raaah...!" "Hrk." "¶ So good, so good So good, yeah ¶" "¶ Love it so much Ain't never gonna stop, yeah ¶" "I'll take one." "¶ Gonna take it To the top, yeah ¶" "¶ Maybe I'd ride Or wanna get inside ¶" "¶ Got it all for ya, baby ¶" "¶ Got nothin' to hide, yeah ¶" "I got a peanut-butter dog." "You want one of those?" "Got it right." "Don't forget." "Wyatt's Wieners, you can't beat 'em." "Se habla español." "¶ Love it so much Ain't never gonna stop me ¶" "¶ Rock 'n' roll gonna Take it to the top, yeah ¶" "Mm-mm." "¶ Oh, yeah ¶" "We did real good today, guys." "I'm pretty happy." "Man, this day could not get any better." "Hi, boys." "Can we have a hot dog?" "You know, I don't know if we have..." "Uh, you know, we have three left, actually." "Perfect." "Yes, you are." "So..." "So why are you guys so wet?" "Well, we all got dumped yesterday by our boyfriends, and we thought, what better way to get over things than go on the log flume?" "That is such an awesome plan." "We also wanted to make out with some guys so we could feel better about ourselves." "Would you guys be okay with that?" " One second." " Yeah, just one, uh..." "We accept your offer." "Begin." "¶ You're more than my lover ¶" "¶ Baby Baby ¶" "¶ You're my complete desire ¶" "¶ So much more than my lover ¶" "¶ More than More than ¶" "¶ Hey, I can tell you why ¶" "¶ You're more than my lover ¶" "¶ Baby Baby ¶" "¶ You set my soul on fire ¶" "¶ I never want another ¶" "¶ More than More than ¶" "¶ You're my complete desire ¶" "¶ You're more than my lover ¶" "You want..." "You want your gum back?" "'Cause I-I..." "I'll keep it." "¶ Hallelujah ¶" "¶ Hallelujah ¶" "¶ Hallelujah Hallelujah ¶" "Bless you." "¶ Hallelujah ¶" "Wet girls." "All right, boys, we should be in Flaglestown by 8." "Not if you continue to drive 30 miles an hour, man." "Come on." " Move your wiener!" " That's illegal." "Hey." "Tuck your ass in, old lady." "What...?" "Wyatt, why are old people passing us?" "What is going on?" "I don't know." "The pedal must be busted or something." "I'm flooring it." "Could it be that your gas tank is on empty?" "Oh, crap." "Hey, slow it down..." "Jesus Christ!" "All right, all right, all right, all right." "Come on, what...?" "Hey, lady." "¶ Well, the backseat Connection's ¶" "¶ Gone all wrong ¶" "¶ Gotta be gone And my brother... ¶" "Hey." "Gotta stop." "Come on." "This is bullshit!" "Calm down, you're gonna hurt yourself." "Oh, we got an RV, boys." "Wyatt, what makes you think an RV is gonna pick us up?" "Come on, man, we surrender." "Ha, ha!" "Hey, he's stopping." "He's stopping, come on." " He's stopping." " Oh, hey." "He's stopping." "He's stopping." " Hey." " He's stopping." "I'm Felicia Applebaum, and that's my husband, Frank." " Oh, I'm Wyatt." " I'm Ben." "I'm Joel." "Hey, this is nice, huh?" "Ha, ha." "Hey, it's just like having the kids in the car again." "No, we just really appreciate the ride." "Don't worry about it." "Oh, nonsense." "Nonsense." "Happy we can help out." "So, uh, where are you guys from?" "From Chitown, Joel." " Oh, Chicago." " The Windy City." "Cool." "But now we are just touring God's green Earth." "I'll tell you, it's the life, boys." "No commitments." "We go wherever we want, whenever we want." "That's awesome." "Yeah." "So cool." "Me and the missis, we've made love in 34 states." "Yeah, we're driving along, we get a hankering, we pull over..." "Bam!" "Right there in the back, where you guys are sitting." "Might be some stains back there." "Ooh!" " I cleaned them." " Oh, yeah." "We collected a decal from every state we've made it in." "Yeah, we got decals from 34 states, and the District of Columbia." "The Washington Monument, sticking straight up in the air?" "That was good." "Those tourists will never forget it." "Whoo." "Whoo-hoo." "Whoo-hoo." "So are you guys hungry?" "Oh, I've got some trail mix, okay." "And I've got, uh... some homemade dried apricots." "Frank here bought me a dehydrator for our anniversary." " Maybe just the one." " Okay." "Okay." "Thanks." "Uh-huh." "Ooh!" "Oh!" "Oh." "Who wants a treat?" "Who's a good girl?" "Yes, she is." "Who's a good girl?" "Yes, she is." "Give Daddy a kiss." "Down, girl, down." "Down." "It's okay." "Daddy'll give you a bone later." "Oh!" "Oh, yeah, the kids loved that one." "How many kids do you have?" "Three boys." "Three tigers." "Yes, sir, they know their way around the ladies." "Yeah, our oldest, Carl, he lost his virginity when he was 16." "Back of a Chevy." "No, honey, that was Bob." "Carl was down in the basement on top of the dirty clothes." "Oh, yeah." "Jesus, screaming all that noise." "I thought the cat was in heat." "Oh, I know." "So have you guys, um, been to the festival before?" "No, I've never been to Flaglestown." "Yeah, us too." "Us too, us too." "Virgin territory for me and my freaky-deaky." "Oh, my gosh." "Oh." " Yes." " We might have to, uh," " christen it?" " I hope so." "I'm so ready." "Ready?" " Now." " All right." "Somebody grab the wheel!" "No!" "No!" "I'm watching old people do it." "Oh, baby." "Yes!" "¶ When you climb a tree ¶" "¶ To the top of the world We'll go ¶" "¶ The sky will be bright The wind will be free ¶" "¶ You'll feel free also ¶" "And again, you have our number if you need a place to crash." "Hey, hey, but be prepared." "There might be da noise and/or da funk being brought in tonight." "Look at you." "You are so hip." "Oh, don't!" "Oh, wait." "Hey..." "Ooh." "You got some of my soft-serve on your chin there." "You're so sweet, you're so sweet." "Bye." "I'm a lucky guy." "Bye." "I mean, you know... at least we got a place to crash." "Are you nuts?" "That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." "Really, Joel?" "Even more disgusting than that time we caught your dad in the hot tub tugging his Miyagi?" "He was scratching." "I didn't know you could scratch like this:" "Shut up." "We all..." "We agreed that he was..." "Dude... do you have my wallet?" "What's that, a black thing?" "I ain't got your wallet." " You got my wallet?" " No." "Hey, barfy." "Oh." "Do you have our wallets?" "Oh, man, what...?" "No, no." "Hey." "No, don't bother, don't bother." "What the hell?" "Wet girls." "We accept your offer." "Begin." "Unbelievable." "I am gonna find those wet bitches if it's the last thing I do." "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, yeah?" "How...?" "How are you gonna go about doing that, huh?" "I gotta pee." "I'll drive across this state 50 times if I have to." "Really?" "Buddy, we need to make money tonight." "So instead of giving out free hot dogs, we're selling them." "No, no, no." "I took an oath." "You did not take an oath, retard." "I did take an oath with myself, okay?" "You don't know everything." "Okay, what's your great idea?" "Oh, my God." "Hey, Timmy O'Shaemus?" "Oy, don't you live down the block?" "I go where I'm needed, mister." "That's..." "That's great." "Can you, uh, spare some change?" "Oh, Timmy, I..." "My wallet..." "I am strapped for cash." "Yeah, you're a real douche." "And you have a small dick." "Ptoosoo!" "What the...?" "Timmy?" "I already told you the plan." "No, you didn't." "No." "Yes, I did." " Why are you provoking me?" " Check this out, huh?" "It's perfect." "What, you shopping for thongs or something?" "Thongs?" "What?" "No..." "Oh." "No, no, no." "Hot bod competition." "For buff boy here." "No." "Yes." "No." "Yes." "You know that I don't like competitive stuff." "Not to mention he forgot to read the fine print, $10 entry fee." "We don't have any cash last time I checked." "Crap, we need $10?" "Are you Wyatt Fabio Goldstein?" "Yeah." "I've been looking for you for 15 years." "Here you go." "I finally can retire now." "That was my last delivery." "I'm free." "Vacations, singles cruises, Club Med," "Hawaii." "I've got my whole life ahead of me!" "Life begins today." "What is it?" "I don't know." "Looks like it's a card or something from my nana." ""Happy Birthday, Wy-Wy, you're a perfect 10." "Don't spend it all in one place."" "Good old Nana." "Mwah!" "I love her." "Candy's on me, boys." "No king size." "Wait, wait, wait." "Did you actually count that?" "Yeah, that's 10." "Here you go." "Bingo." "You're in." "All right." "We'll get more." "I hate you both." "We'll get more." "You better win." "What you got in there?" "Shake it." "My honey." "Yeah, bring it on!" "All right." "He's kind of hot." "Yeah." "But he's got that beer gut." "No, no, no, no." "No competition." "Yeah, have a couple more beers there, cowboy." "Good idea." "You suck." "I smell booty." "Come on, boys, come on!" "Keep your fuckin' eye on the ball, Benny." "Run!" "Run like you got an ex-con on your ass!" "Take control." "You're a defender, for chrissake." "Kick him." "Kick him in the damn shin." "Hey, defense, you suck." "Losers." "Hey, Mom, uh, can I have some Gatorade?" "No." "You stop fuckin' up on the field out there, and you can have some goddamn Gatorade." "Now get out there and kill." "Kill those bastards." "Come on, hustle." "Come on." "Come on." "No!" "What are you doing, man?" "You gotta get ready." "Come on." "It's time to grease up." "Come on, man, snap out of it." "No." "No." "No, Mommy, no more games." "I don't wanna play anymore!" "Hey!" "Ben?" "What we gonna do for money?" "No." "No." "How am I gonna get out of it?" "Get out." "Move it." "You should know better..." "Watch out!" "Watch out!" "Get out, move, watch it!" "Hey." "Oh!" "Oh." "Oh, where is fire?" "Where is forest fire?" "I'm so s..." "Hey." "Let me help you up, yeah." "Ho." "I'm so sorry." "I didn't mean to..." "I didn't..." "Are you okay?" "I am fine." "But I am built like ox." "You are frail like mosquito." "What is your name?" "I'm, uh..." "I'm Ben." "Ben." "My name is Walrus Boy." "Nice to meet you." "Why you run around here like scared banshee from hellfire?" "Um, I was, uh..." "I was gonna do the hot bod competition." "Brilliant!" "I am on my way there now." "The Countess Carlotta will be there, and I plan on stealing a kiss from her tonight." "Come on." "Let us go." "N-n-no." "You don't understand." "I don't wanna be in the competition." "Why not?" "You have hot bod." "Well, well." "I appreciate that." "Yeah." "But no." "Uh, I can't." "I don't compete." "My mother..." "Say no more." "Walrus Boy know that tune." "Come." "Okay." "Sit on my balls." "I have story to tell you, Ben." "The story of a boy born with flipper." "He did not have wiggly fingers like other boys." "Whoa." "He made fun of." "He pelted with rocks." "He was even urinated on, Ben." "Pissed on." "But now?" "That boy is famous Walrus Boy actor." "And that actor would be you?" "Of course it is me, Ben." "It's me, Walrus Boy." "I famous actor." "Let me tell you something." "The reason I am successful." "I take negative past and turn into positive future." "The point is, Ben, never let the evil of the past poison the fruit of your present." "¶ Up, baby, up, baby, down ¶ ¶ Come on ¶" "¶ Down till you Touch the ground ¶" "Stupid." "What a waste of 10 bucks." "Hey, man, I said we could have had candy." "Hand me that butter." " Wait a second." " Does this mean that" "I'm not gonna...?" "Whatever." "Let's do this." "What's with the fat guy?" "Eh, uh-uh-uh." "Later, losers!" "¶ You see 'em comin' at you Every night ¶" "Oh, oh, oh." "¶ Strung on pretension ¶" "¶ They fall for you At first sight ¶" "¶ You know their business You think it's a bore ¶" " ¶ They make you restless ¶" " One!" "Two!" "Three!" "Four!" "¶ Get around town Spend your time on the run ¶" "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Ah, yes!" "¶ You give it away ¶" "¶ Everybody wants you ¶" "¶ And everybody knows you ¶" "¶ Now everybody needs you Leads you, bleeds you ¶" "Yes." "We won!" "I won!" "We won!" "Yes!" "I'm smokin', guys." "I don't know what to say." "Thanks, everybody!" "Thank you, Flaglestown, and good night." "Whoo!" "Man, you..." "You were awesome." "That hippity-hopping around on the stage." "I didn't know you had it in you." "Me neither." "I really owe it to Walrus Boy for showing me to stand up for myself." "Walrus Boy?" "You know him?" "Yeah, I just talked to him about an hour ago." "I didn't get a chance to thank him." "He died in '46." "Ah, I'm just messing with you." "We play hold 'em on Wednesdays." "I'll tell him you said thanks." "Oh." "So we got the best suite Flaglestown has to offer." "Excuse me." "Hey, I wanted to tell you, you were amazing out there." "Your body is rip-tastic." "Oh, hey, uh, thanks, man." "Will you sign my pecs?" "Absolutely." "It's Barri, but with an I, so..." "Oh, all right." "All right." "Let's see here." "B..." "That's an awesome name, man." "I'll just use your nipple to dot the I..." "Nice." "Let's see. "Stay firm."" "Know what I'm talkin' about?" "Ben." "You got some nice six-pack there, buddy." "Oh, thanks, man." "But..." "I'd kill for these." "Aw, dude." "Come on." "It's really nice to meet you." "You keep it firm." "Yeah, man." "Abs not flabs, you know what I mean?" "Lay off the sugar." "Sugar's the enemy." "Yeah, man." "No carbs." "Man." "You are like a celebrity around here." "That's so awesome." "You are like a gay celebrity." "What?" "Yeah, that was pretty gay." "You guys touching abs and stuff like that." "That was..." "I wonder if he's the prize at the gay booth?" "Would you...?" "Would you sign me?" "Yeah, could you sign my abs?" "Do something with my belly button." "Do something fun." "You have nice abs." "No, you have the hot..." "Look at you." "Are you guys...?" "Are you children?" "Are you?" "You couple of ass clowns." "Seriously." "You're both pathetic." "You're..." "You're pathetic slobs." "Momma told me she liked my belly." "It's prosthetic." "Yeah." "That means rubber." "Yeah." "And I get phantom pains." "It itches." "You know, sometimes I think it was God, the good Lord above, what made me drink that Jagermeister, stick my arm in that concrete mixer." "So stupid." "I don't know what I did, but it must've been real bad." "I don't know, it's..." "Bobby, Bobby, Bobby." "Son, listen to me for just a second!" "People get sick of hearing that pathetic story." "Don't wanna hear them stupid stories no more." "Yeah, I got your arm." "Yeah, I got your arm." "I'm gonna keep your arm too." "I'm gonna keep it." "¶ Ah-ah ¶" "¶ Ah-ah ¶" "¶ I want a girl With lips like morphine ¶" "Smells like corn on the cob." "Are you...?" "You still wearing that butter?" "Uh, yeah." "I like the way it feels on me." "What's happening to you?" "Hey, you guys remember when I said I had a surprise for you in New Mexico?" "No." "Oh, I forgot." "I have a surprise for you in New Mexico." "I'll give you a hint:" "Sixth grade." "Miss Isaac?" "Boo-yah!" "Hottest teacher ever." "You're kiddin', right?" "No, you remember when she used to say that she'd quit it all one day and move to a ranch in New Mexico?" "Yeah." "Well, color me Google because I found her on the Internet." "And I told her we'll be driving through." "Miss Isaac." "¶ I want a girl With lips like morphine ¶" "¶ Blow a kiss That leaves me gasping ¶" "Parallelogram." "¶ And I want to feel That lightning ¶" "¶ Strike me ¶" "¶ And burn me down ¶" "Miss Boobies." "¶ Knock me out ¶" "¶ Knock me out ¶" "¶ Knock me out ¶" "I've dreamed about this day for years." "What did I tell you?" "What did I tell you?" "You got told." "Look who it is!" "I never thought I'd see you little birds again." "Bet you missed these." "Ah." "Miss Isaac?" "Who else do you think it is, dumbass?" "Give me a squeeze!" "Well, Wyatt," "I see you still got that..." "twisted hot-dog obsession, huh?" "Nice." "Well, don't stand there like a bunch of boners." "Lunch is on in five." "Come on!" "Thank you for ruining my sixth-grade fantasy." "She's so disgusting." "Guys, she's still a person." "Is she?" "It's hot as crotch out here." "I'm sweatin' my balls off." "You know what you boys need?" "A Mexican blowjob." "Uh, uh, a wha-wha?" "Mexican blowjob!" "Tequila, whipped cream." "Tequi..." "Tequila." "Uh..." "It's 11:30." "You know, for me that's..." " That's early." " Yeah, I mean, it's..." "That's too early for me." "Wow." "It's a little early." " Down the hatch." " Okay." "One shot." "Yeah!" "Mm, that really gets you goin'!" "Come on, bitches." "Oh, uh, Miss Isaac," "I really shouldn't." "I'm driving." "Actually, we all need to be alert, because we're all navigators, and we need to keep our eyes on the road." "Wise words." "But do I wanna get drunk?" "I wanna get drunk." "But I mean, we gotta go, so..." "Fine, you pansies." "Fine." "Oh." "You don't need..." "Careful with your teeth." "Ah!" "Oh, how many was that?" "I think that was..." "I think that was five." "Five." "Cinco!" "Time for lunch, éses." "Mu..." "Muy bien." "Hope you like egg salad." "It's my specialty." "All right!" "That's a..." "That's a really hea..." "Healthy way to prepare that." "So, um... you live by yourself out here?" "Ever since that rat bastard left me for the gas-station slut." "Hope she likes wearing' the ball-gag." "I don't miss that." "Well, uh... you know what they say, eh, um... that every cloud..." "Um..." "That every..." "Every cloud has..." "Has something." "So now it's just me and my Benny." "Named after my favorite student." "Ha!" "Ha-ha." "Come to Mama, Benny." "So how's life treatin' you boys?" "Just fine, I guess." "Well, it was nice to visit your old teach." "You haven't changed a bit." "Oh." "You... either?" " Ha!" " Ah!" "Yeah, right!" "Uh, how ya...?" "How...?" "How you like living here by yourself?" "You happy out here?" "What is not to love, you know?" "I am livin' like a New-Mexican queen." "Mm." "Enough, all right?" "Enough!" "Anyhoo, guess what I made you boys for dessert." "Tapioca pudding'." "And I made it with my own two hands." "I think I ate that sandwich too fast." "And it was tasty." "We gotta go." "It's..." "I just realized." "Yeah." "We're on the clock." "I thought this was a booty call." "Miss Isaac!" "What the hell just happened?" "Is she dead?" "I don't know." "And I don't wanna find out." "I don't know." "I've never checked a pulse ever." "Get it, touch her..." "Her wrist?" "I don't wanna..." "She's back." "That narcolepsy's a bitch." "Sometimes I'm out for a few seconds, sometimes a few hours." "Oh." "I just better say good-bye to you boys now." "Once they start..." "Dude, what the hell is wrong with this lady?" "We are leaving right now." "Right... now." "Well, I mean, w-w-w..." "Should we...?" "I mean, I guess she said goodbye." "Yeah, oh, yeah, she said goodbye." "And we're saying goodbye now." "Thank you for lunch, Miss Isaac." "Bye-bye." "Thanks, Miss Isaac." "Bye-bye." "Wait, you can't just leave her here like this." "Ben!" "Let me just..." "I'll just put something underneath so she..." "At least she doesn't hurt her head or any..." "Oh, God, no!" "Oh, no!" "Wyatt!" "Oh, God." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Oh!" "Hurry!" "I still can't believe that's the same person." "Yeah, she was pretty narsty." "I don't think I can jerk off to her anymore." "You don't think?" "Hey." " Hey, buddy." " Hey, man." "Antacid?" "What, you nervous or something?" " What?" "No." " No, it's just that..." "Come on." "You know, I thought since we was a couple days away you was gettin' nervous." "What?" "No." "Mm-mm, no." "No, no, no." "That's funny, though." "That's funny." "No, it's, uh..." "It's a couple of days away." "Well, that's good." "Let's go, boys." "Let's go." "¶ You're hiding lies there On your face ¶" "¶ They don't let you forget ¶" "¶ Where it was That you came ¶" "¶ From ¶" "¶ Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ¶" "¶ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ¶" "¶ Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ¶" "¶ Oh, goodbye, home ¶" "Help me..." "Wyatt." "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "Don't put on too much gel, damn it." "You need to lose some of that extra weight, 'cause I don't like lookin' at your rolls when I'm gettin' my makeup done." "No one should have to watch that shit jiggle." "Who the hell is that in my studio?" "No." "I think it's time to shut you up... permanently." "Huh?" "Dwayne." "Joel." "You're shakin' in your boots, son." "And I bet right about now, your palms are sweatier than a fat man's ass-crack on a hot Georgia day." "Oh, Joel." "Even in your dreams, you're a pathetic coward!" "No." "It's like he's content being a shoe boy." "I can tell you miss the smell in your dumb assface." "No." "Ah." "No." "You can't beat me, Joel." "I'm a Ph.D. doctor, son." "Ah..." "Ah..." "Ah!" "Where's Joel?" "Hey." "What?" "Where's Joel?" "What the...?" "There's a note on my chest." "Whazza...?" "Look at this." ""Guys," "I'm really sorry to do this..."" "...but I have to go home." "I just can't take the chance of getting humiliated again." "This whole thing was a mistake." "I've taken 300 bucks, and I'm gonna buy a bus ticket." "I'm sorry." ""Joel."" "Wyatt, we have to find him." "All right, Wyatt, let's go." "Here you go." " Why throw your bag?" " I thought you had it." "I'm sorry!" "Where do you think you're goin'?" "Oh, I'm fine." "Are you all right?" "Bathroom's where I say it is." "What are you lookin' at?" "Me?" "Joel, it's me, Timmy." "Timmy O'Shaemus from down the block." "You remember." "Timmy, he has too many demons." "Joel, don't give up." "Fight 'em." "You gotta fight 'em!" "Grape-fizz burp." "I'm sure you miss the smell of those in your dumb assface." "Drake?" "Who else would it be, you stupid bitch?" "No." "No." "No, leave me alone!" "Leave me alone." "Where you goin', loser?" "No!" "Where you goin', loser?" "Oh, God." "Whoa, whoa." "Where you goin'?" "Relax and enjoy the show, vagina face." "Hey, toolbox, why you diggin' in the garbage?" "You lookin' for your filthy mother?" "No, I'm reducing, reusing and recycling." "Mrs. Yazel lets me leave Mathletes a little early." "I'm in the Recycling Club." "You're in the Gaylord Club, you little douchebag." "And you're about to join the Smashed Face Club." "No, no." "Drake, see," "I-I don't wanna join the Smashed Face Club." "It's entertaining." "Oh, saved by the bell, huh?" "Oh, God." "Should I say, burned by it?" "No." "Yeah." "All right." "Nothing to see here." "Oh, this is my favorite part." "You remember." "Pull your pants up." "Oh, what, like none of you guys have ever farted before?" "Oh, my God." "Look." "Ah, gross." "It wasn't just a fart." "Poo pants." "Poo pants." "Poo pants." "Poo pants." "Poo pants..." "Oh, I hated that name." "It's a good name." "Poo pants." "Poo pants." "Poo pants." "Poo pants." "Never again." "Never... again!" "Pucker up, pussycats." "Shh, shh, shh, shh." "Now who's the meat?" "Hold it right there, you damn, dirty hippies." "There'll be no branding today." "He had to go." "Over here." "Whoa!" "Welcome back." "Sorry I took so long, boys." "Ooh..." "[CHARLIE'S ANGELS THEME]" "That's right." "Good work, guys." "Yes, sir." "Yeah." "What got into you?" "Right?" "That was awesome, man." "Let's go." "If we ride through the night, we can reach L.A. by daybreak." "Let's do it." "It's a good thing we had all that climbing rope handy." "Yeah." "I heard that." "Guys." "Guys, look." "Ah, Hollywood!" "Hollywood!" "In one exit." "Next exit." "We made it." "Oh, my goodness." "We made it." "Joel, I wanna see you kick serious ass now." " The smack is on." " Absolutely." ""Down." Down." "The smack is down bigtime." "I was wondering, is it illegal...?" "Is that a cr..." "I mean, is that a..." "Could I...?" "You know what I'm saying?" "Could I go to jail for kicking his ass?" "Absolutely not." "I think revenge is actually legal in America, so... ¶ Which way To the future?" "¶" "¶ Which way To the future?" "¶" "Good morning, ma'am." "See your driver's license?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Where we going, gentlemen?" "It's all right." "We're here to see Dr. Dwayne." "I know him." "Yeah, you and the rest of America." "You got any tickets?" "Uh, no." "We don't..." "Uh..." "Not technically." "We don't have tickets." "Tough break, kid." "I wish I could help you." "Now get lost." " State your name." " What?" "State your name!" "State your name and purpose." "Ho!" "What are you...?" "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "That woman is still twitching." "Jeez, what the hell do we do now?" "Hi there." "Sorry, I..." "I wanted to actually come over and apologize for what had happened earlier." "I think we might've got off on the wrong foot." "I'm Ben, by the way." "Jim." "Nice to meet you, Jim." "You too." "Listen, we're not here to break in to anywhere." "We're not tryin' to do anything wrong." "We just wanna spread happiness." "Happiness in the form of a good wiener." "Maybe you'd like a little mustard, a little ketchup, a little meat." "Yeah, come on." "Yank." "You're reachin' for your winter parka, and it's the Fourth of July, okay?" "You can't see the flame from the firecracker, and you know what?" "You are about to blow." "Do you understand me when I...?" "You." "What?" "I'll..." "I'll kill you, Dwayne." "Well, well, well." "Boys." "Joel." "Dr. Dwayne?" "There's two of 'em." "I knew it." "Joel, meet decoy." "Decoy, meet Joel." "I'm gettin' paid, y'all." "You can't be too careful." "I heard about you boys after your incident at the gate, so I sent decoy out to do the show just in case." "That thing on your face is nasty, son." "Don't look at me, son." "Don't look at me." "It's okay, everyone." "Okay?" "I'm okay." "We'll take care of this right away, Dr. Dwayne." "Get your hands off of me." "Wait a second, Dwayne." "I came here to say something, and I'm gonna say it." "Muy interesante." "Okay, boys, keep 'em rollin'." "So..." "Joel... what's on your mind?" "My girlfriend dumped me." "I lost my job." "I lived on chips for months." "My life fell to shit because of you!" "Joel." "You make my toes perspire, they're so warm and toasty from the fire inside of you." "And you know what that means?" "It means you're a man now." "It means that you have faced your fears." "It means you overcame Drake Hanswald." "Wait." "What?" "How...?" "How did you...?" "How did you know that?" "I'm a Ph.D. doctor, son." "You can't eat the onion without peeling' it." "I mean, if you think about it, gettin' dumped, what I did for you, ha, best thing in the world." "Right?" "Oh, my God." "You're right." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "I think you changed my life for the better." "Yes." "Yes!" "Release that prisoner." "Release him to my arms." "Now." "Wyatt Fabio Goldstein." "Yeah, what...?" "What...?" "What's happening, Dr. Dwayne?" "Rejected 12 times." "That is a whole heap of rejection." "But now it's surprise time right here on the Dr. Dwayne Show." "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome." "Cornelius Worthington III." "How are you, Wyatt?" "Okay." "Hey, you're that junkie from behind the dumpster." "Guilty as charged." "Yeah, that was me, everyone." "Down on my luck, hopped up on gack, urinating on myself just to feel my legs." "But you saved me." "You saved me with a hot dog and a smile." "I thank you for it, Wyatt." "No..." "No problem, junkie man." "I-I..." "Mr. Worthington." "Hey, cut it out, Wyatt." "Let's cut to the chase." "I wanna finance Wyatt's Wieners." "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "Are you serious?" "I'm dead serious." "Cornelius Worthington III!" "Mom, I got money!" "Mom, I got money!" "Y'all see that?" "Surprises and dreams come true right here on the Dr. Dwayne Show." "Gosh darn it," "I feel like I just peeked up the tooth fairy's skirt and poured myself a plate of lasagna." "That's how I feel." "Tin Man, I bet you got some fire to get off that perfectly sculpted chest." "You know what?" "You know what, Dr. Dwayne?" "I think I do." "Ladies and gentlemen, uh, my name is Ben." "Hi, Ben." "Listen, I've realized a lot on this trip with my best friends, but the one thing that I'm realizing the most is that this whole rat race, this circus that we call life, it's really all about love." "And it doesn't matter if you love someone that's white or black." "Whether you love a girl... or you love a man." "Thank you." "Now, that is some insightful chatter, Ben." "Well, audience there's a moonbeam full of pleasure in the unexpected." "But if you wanna make it across that pond, don't let the fear of hypothermia keep you from skating right on across it." "If the thing opens up and starts to swallow you, make sure you got a friend out there... to throw you a rope." "That's a cut!" "Now get these fuckers off my set." "Someone get me a soy latte." "Come on, people!" "I'm Dr. Dwayne." "Holy shit, dude." "That was insane." "Oh, unbelievable." "This trip was a good thing." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Thanks." "I know you guys know this, but I'm gonna say it anyway." "You're the two best friends a guy could ever have." "Oh." "What the...?" "Eat egg, you sappy bitch." "No, not my face." "Not my face." "It's my instrument, you bitch." "Did you see that?" "This is an accomplishment, Joel." "You've got somebody afraid of you." "People fear me." "I like this." "I think we can go home now." "Ben, can we get serious for a moment?" "Absolutely, man, what's up?" "Do you think I look like Beyoncé?" " No." " I mean, not in the eyes?" " No." " The mouth?" " No." " Whatever, you don't know anything." "Get me a soy latte." "Son, you need to look at me when I'm talkin' to you." "But, Dr. Dwayne," "I am looking at you." "Okay, I can't work like this." "Who the hell hired the cockeyed son of a bitch?" "Oh, goddamn it, y'all." "Come on!" "I'm Dr. Dwayne." "¶ Just let it show And let it shine ¶" "¶ Everything Will be all right ¶" "¶ You know They're after you now ¶" "¶ It's just a moment away ¶" "¶ See, you're So good to you ¶" "¶ It's just a moment away ¶" "¶ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey ¶" "¶ You know They're after you ¶" "¶ See, you're So good to you ¶" "¶ It's just a moment away ¶" "¶ Away-ay-ay-ay ¶" "¶ It's just a moment away ¶" "A mark." "¶ Life is just a TV game show ¶" "¶ Put on your tie And your best slacks ¶" "¶ Workin' hard For cash and prizes ¶" "¶ Come here with Turtle Wax ¶" "¶ You can try it with a spoon If you want to ¶" "Oh, my gosh!" "I had a gay moment." "I had my first..." "My first gay moment." "Gibberish." "You did not take an oath, retard." "Yes, I did take an oath..." "You don't know everything." "¶ All I need's a perfect oven ¶" "¶ Squeeze me out some... ¶" "F*** me." "I'm gonna back up one." "Hold on." "I'm a team player, here I go." "¶ I'm going fishing ¶" "¶ He's going fishing ¶" "Whoo!" "Ah!" "How many was that?" "Shit." "Hold on." "Hold on." "He was laughing, ****." "Help her, help her now." "All right, ready?" "Okay, cut." "We'll pick it up." "Sorry." "Grape..." "F*** you." "That was his fault." "Clueless?" "Perhaps you meant..." "I'm brilliant!" "No, I didn't mean... brilliant." "I will hurl my body out of this car," "I swear to God." "I mean it." "I've always thought about doing it." "Go ahead, we're not moving anymore." "Do you understand what I mean, what I'm talking about when I say "blow"?" "You..." "What?" "I wasn't supposed to last that long." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I thought you were gonna cut me off." "¶ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ¶" "Mark." "There isn't a cloud in the sky." "It's like a..." "A blank canvas full of hope and possibilities." "You know, my nana used to say it was like a naked virgin waiting to be plowed from behind while playing with her boobies." "Maybe tickling her anus." "Okay." "And camera set." "When we get there, there's a certain resident by the name of Dr. Dwayne." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Ever heard of him?" "Ruined our friend's life." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Y..." "Filth." "It's dirty." "I don't like dirt." "Chitown, Joel, the Windy City." "But now we are just touring God greens." "Oop..." "But now we are just touring God..." "But now we are just touring the Earth of something." "Uh, well, we're okay, I..." "I guess." "All right!" "That's enough!" "****." "Cut." "Can you pull this beast off at the next exit?" "That is ridiculous." "No problem." "Hold for coughs." "I smoked so many blunts last night." "All right." "A marker." "Uh-huh?"