"Jim." "Thank God you're home." "The kids are still awake." "They're going wild!" " What?" " Yeah." "I'm like 30 seconds away from ordering a tranquilizer gun on Amazon." "Why are they still awake?" "They're freaked out about the storm." "I need you to go in there and tell them go to bed..." "I'm done." "I'm gonna go and take a long, hot bath." "You're on." "All right, I'll deal with it." "What the hell's going on in here?" "I want it quiet!" "Daddy." "Daddy!" " Can you cuddle us?" " We're scared." "Well, maybe for a little bit." "Could you tell us a story?" "All right." "I'll tell you one story." "Can it be a good story like Mom tells?" "Not one of your boring ones?" "Okay." "Well, what kind of story do you guys wanna hear?" " Uh, Avengers?" " Paw Patrol!" " Uh, Spider-Man?" "Superman!" " Spider-Man!" "Did your daddy cuddle you when he wasn't at the comedy club?" "Well, it was different." "My dad wasn't a comedian." " He was a banker." " What's a banker?" "A banker is... someone who lends money." "I think." "Anyway, my dad would come home every night right before dinner." "I have a feeling this is gonna be a boring story." "Anyway..." "Kids, your dad's home!" "Turn off the TV." "Get out here." "Greet your father." "Jimmy, your father is home." "Get out here!" "No, Jimmy, stop eating." "You won't be hungry for dinner." "Good evening, Mike." "Welcome home." "Thanks, honey." "Hi, Dad." "That yard looks like it went through Vietnam." "You're gonna get out there and clean it up." "But first..." "let's eat." " Pineapple upside-down cake?" " Yes." "Get out of the goddamn way." "Kids, it's time for dinner." "_" "Well, what are you waiting for?" "That yard's not gonna clean itself." "Ahh." "Daddy, what's a yard?" "A... yard?" "Well, it-it..." "it's a grassy area like a park." "Your dad made you take care of the park yard?" "Well, I mean... yeah, but my brothers and sisters and I, we were always out in the yard." " Cool!" " Fun!" "We loved being outside in the fresh air." "I don't wanna talk to Father Mulcahy." "I've just got a sinus infection." "I came in here for like a Z-Pak or something." "You know, it's gotta be Z-Pak, 'cause I'm allergic to amoxicillin." "No Amoxicillin." "I get a terrible rash." "Turn it!" "I'm so happy to be here." "He's so groovy." "When I get older, I'm going to marry him." "Turn it!" "No installment payments for 60 days." " ♪ 588-2300 ♪ - _" "♪ Empire ♪" "Why don't you call right now?" "What are you all doin' in the house?" "It's a beautiful afternoon, and your father's napping." "Turn off the TV." " But we're bored!" " Just get out there." "Don't you have yard work?" "Mom!" "Do any of you have any idea what your father would do if you wake him up?" " I hate Dad!" " There you go." "Come on." "March, march." "'Cause I don't have time for this." "Tonight, on "Creature Features,"" "a bloodthirsty psychopath roams the countryside in search of his next victim." "Here is a special weather report from NewsCenter 5." "Good evening." "The National Weather Service has just issued a tornado warning for a portion of our viewing area." "When you played in the yard, did you and your brothers and sisters ever fight?" "Well, occasionally, there would be a disagreement." "You're a bundle of sticks." "No, you're a bundle of sticks!" "You called each other a bundle of sticks?" "No!" "Uh..." "I mean, yeah, well... something like that." "The important thing is that we all generally got along." "Why don't you come over here and say that?" "I'm gonna kill you!" "What the hell's going on out here?" "God damn it!" "Are you done with your yard work?" "Don't you know there's a goddamn storm coming?" "Clean up this crap!" "Jesus!" "Where are these ball less wonders?" "It's a goddamn tornado!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" "Why was your dad wearing a coat and tie?" "Was he going to a funeral?" "My dad always seemed to be wearing a coat and tie." "There ya go." "_" "I used to imagine he slept in a coat and tie." "Let me finish." "Boo Berry!" "My ghostly good blueberry-flavored cereal, Boo Berry... is part of this complete breakfast." "What the hell's going on in here?" "Your dad sounded mean." "Well, I think at the time I thought he was mean." "But now I realize he was just trying to teach me and my brothers and sisters about discipline." "Is that why you're mean?" "He's not mean, and his dad wasn't mean either." "I told you to turn off the goddamn television!" " Get outta my den!" "Jesus!" " ... radar." "This has been confirmed by" " the National Weather Service..." " Goddamn kids!" "Go!" "I would suggest the persons in that area follow the safety precautions and seek some shelter." "What we have to do at this point is watch for any other developments, listen to the radio, and watch television for any other reports..." " Ha ha." " Were you as scared of storms too, Daddy?" "Ah, normally, I was a brave kid and not really scared of anything." "Aah!" "Jimmy, I have a surprise for you." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Yes, I was brave." "But this storm was a particularly scary one and took a turn no one expected." "I knew this was gonna be a boring story." "Man, I wish I had Rick Monday." " I thought you had that one." " No, you know what?" "You can have my Dave Kingman card." " Oh, thanks, man." " No problem." "What happened to my José Cardenal card?" "There's Cheez Whiz on it." "Jimmy!" "Yeah, what the hell is this?" " I didn't do anything." " Ha!" "Cheez Whiz... so that's why Jimmy's always" " cutting the cheese." " Pfft!" "Ha ha." "Aren't you guys worried about the big storm?" "Hey, look outside." "There's a tornado every other day, you baby." "Yeah." "I'm worried about the storms in Jimmy's butt." " Idiot." " What are you doin'?" "I don't want any of this stuff to get blown away by the twister." "Don't touch my stuff!" "You bundle of sticks." " Yeah, get the hell outta here." " Come on, get outta here, baby!" "How many bottles of Cheez Whiz do you think he's on?" "Yeah." "He's so foxy." "Pam, are you worried about the big storm?" "Nah..." "Can I have a candy bar?" "25 cents." " I don't have any money." " He looks like Michael Landon." "Still got that six-pack of Dr Pepper I got you for your birthday?" "No." "I drank them all that day." "How much is left in that Cheez Whiz?" "A lot." "Deal." "I mean, I wish I could." "Mmm..." "Isn't it time for little Jimmy to go to bed?" "Yeah, sorry." "What were you saying?" "Where the hell is the Cheez Whiz?" "Gimme that!" "You better not eat my cereal again, or I'll beat your butt, fart-face." "Eat the coleslaw!" "Mom, are we gonna get washed away by the storm?" "Oh, honey," "I'm just fixing sandwiches in case the power goes out." "Don't you worry." "Where the hell's my goddamn flashlight?" "3 bucks!" "Those bastards at Woolworth's charge 3 bucks for a goddamn flashlight." "Dad, is the tornado really that big?" "I don't know!" "Is this the part where your daddy cuddles you during the storm?" "Well..." "Goddamn flashlight." "God damn it, Jimmy!" "Jesus Christ!" "My car, Jimmy!" "What the hell?" "!" "I wouldn't say cuddled." "Anyway, my dad was a good dad." "He may not have been perfect, but at least he tried his best." " Ladies first!" " And he made sure we were all safe." "After all, there were six of us." "Let's go." "All right, everybody in!" "It's getting bad out there, but at least we'll be safe in here." "No... no... nooooooo!" "...Grundy and Kankakee, Illinois." "Three funnel clouds were sighted just a bit ago at 8:22 this evening in the vicinity..." "Dad?" "Dad?" "Mom?" "Nick?" "Mike?" "Joe?" "Pam?" "Kathy?" "I'm all alone!" "I'm all alone!" "This would be a hell of a lot easier if I had my goddamn flashlight." "Who's ready for sandwiches?" "Where's Jimmy?" "Jimmy!" "Jimmy!" "God damn it!" " Jimmy!" " Oh, my God, he's not here?" " He's not here!" " Don't panic, Marre." "I can't believe we left Jimmy in the house!" "Jesus Christ!" "The boy's fine." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Dad?" " Jimmy." " Dad!" "There's my goddamn flashlight!" "And that's when I realized it was my dad looking for me and not a bloodthirsty psychopathic murderer." " Ah..." " That's pretty impressive." "I didn't get to finish my story." "I'm listening." "Well..." "You're right." "The Cheez Whiz does taste good." "I was..." "I was worried about you, Jimmy." "I was worried about you, too, Dad." "Mostly because I thought you were a bloodthirsty psychopathic murderer coming to kill me." "Before, in the garage, I..." "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that." "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "I'm used to it." "Everybody yells at me." "Everyone except Mom." "Your mother." "She's worried sick." "We should head back to the cellar, let everyone know the storm's passed." "Can we just stay up here together for a few more minutes?" "Well... it is nice and quiet, huh?" "Well..." "Jimmy, I'm sorry we forgot you in the house." "You forgot me?" "Well, I..." "We could never forget you." "I've got big plans for you, Jimmy." "You know... you and me are very similar." " Come here." " What did I do?" "Are you that scared of me?" "You're pretty scary." "You think I'm scary... you should have seen my father." "What in the goddamn hell are you doing, Michael?" "You think I'm scary?" "You shoulda seen my daddy." "Here we go... oh!" "Shilla McGharney!" "What in the name of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph is goin' on in this godforsaken hellhole?" "Huh?" "You tink I'm scary, boy?" "Well, you're lucky you never laid eyes on me pappy!" "_" "_" "Yah!" "Hah..." "Aah!" "Waaaaa... aaaaah!"