"ANNOUNCER:" "On the last episode of Soap," "Ingrid revealed herself as Corinne's mother." "Which means Jessica is really Corinne's aunt, and Chester her uncle, since Randolph, her father, is her aunt Jessica's brother." "Ingrid has sworn to destroy the Tates." "Meanwhile, at the Campbells," "Danny no longer has to run around in disguise, since Elaine Lefkowitz has spoken to her father in Danny's behalf." "Burt, on the other hand, has become totally consumed with finding his son Peter's murderer, and is acting more and more peculiar." "Having found a hair in Peter's bathtub," "Burt spends a lot of time yanking hairs from people's heads, trying to match it." "Confused?" "You won't be after this episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "This is the story of two sisters:" "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates." "And these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "I can't seem to find anything." "What'd you say that name was?" "Corinne Tate." "Corinne Tate." "I do not believe this." "You make a person turn over their jewellery, a totally barbaric custom which, may I say, we do not have in Sweden, and then when they do hand over their jewellery to the police, it disappears." "Got it." "Corinne Tate." "It was filed under "Corinne," not "Tate."" "That's why I couldn't find it." "I'd love to be here for an execution when you screw up somebody's name and figure it out after they've melted in your grilling chair, you dumb barbarian." "All right." "Let's get this over with." "Well, well, well." "Look who's here, the glorious Tates." "Well, my dear lady, it seems some misfortune has befallen you." "I've taken your Corinne and soon they'll take your life." "Ha!" "Listen, you." "You had better watch..." "Oh, be quiet, you boring, stupid man." "You all are getting what you deserve." "Jessica Tate in jail." "[LAUGHING]" "I adore it." "Okay, Mrs. Tate, if you'll just give me your personal possessions." "Any jewellery." "Don't give him the jewellery, Jessica." "She has to." "Tinkler, this is absurd." "Why can't she keep her jewellery?" "Rules, Mr. Tate." "You're going to pay for this, I swear it." "What you have done to my family in the last few days..." "Oh, darling, it's all right." "It's probably a rule of some kind so that the less fortunate prisoners won't feel jealous." "I mean, if I went in there wearing my sapphires, and they were wearing nothing but, well, let's say their costume jewellery, it's bound to cause resentment." "All right, look, Mrs Tate, let's move right over here." "I need to take a couple of pictures." "Chester, be sure and help Billy with his homework, now." "Yes, yes." "All right, we just slip this right over your head there, let it..." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Eh." "Could...?" "Could you just...?" "That's lovely." "Excuse me." "All right, now." "Just watch the birdie here." "All right." "Now, if you'll just turn to the right." "All the way to the right." "Sheriff, I know my face, and believe me you do not want a profile." "Jessica, it's a rule." "They have to take a profile shot." "That's right, Mrs. Tate, we always do it that way." "You've seen those pictures hanging in the post office." "If my face is going to hang in a public place like the post office, well, I'm afraid you're going to have to use Ben Evans, our family photographer." "He is wonderful." "I mean, that man can make anybody look marvellous." "You know, last year he took a picture of Chester, and I'm telling you, if Cary Grant ever saw that, he would never make another movie." "It was rather good." "Mr. Tate." "Darling, just let the man take the picture his way, please." "TINKLER:" "Here we go, now, that's good." "All right, got it." "Excuse me." "Let's go now." "No." "Oh, now, come on." "None of that." "Tinkler, could we have a moment alone, please?" "Well, now, I don't know." "Oh, Tinkler." "Look, it's against policy." "Tinkler, for God's sake, she's not Ma Barker." "Okay, but just one minute." "Chester, I'm scared." "You'll be out by morning, Jess." "I've never been in jail before." "Actually, I've never spent the night alone." "I know, darling." "I didn't do it, Chester." "You know that I didn't do it." "Of course not, Jessica." "Of course not." "Don't worry about a thing." "We'll get the very best lawyer." "But, Chester, what about that movie?" "What movie, Jess?" "You know, that cowboy movie, The Ox-Blood Incident." ""Ox-bow." Right." "When they hung Henry Fonda..." "I think it was." "Or was that Kirk Douglas?" "But, anyway, I mean, just as his neck snapped, well, the deputy came running up and said, "That's the wrong man."" "But, I mean, of course, it was too late by then, because there was poor old Henry Fonda all bug-eyed with his tongue hanging out." "Innocent, but dead." "Jess, it was just a movie." "But, Chester, where do you think they get those movie stories from?" "They get them from real life." "Jessica, you won't hang." "Well, if I do, and they do make a movie of it," "Chester, promise me that you will try to retain some control." "Because I have a feeling, I mean, I just have this awful feeling, they're thinking about having Shelley Winters play me." "See, I was thinking of someone like Catherine Deneuve." "She's attractive enough." "Or it could make a wonderful musical." "You see, Barbra Streisand could play me, and Robert Redford could play Chester." "[♪♪♪]" "[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Uh-uh." "Uh-uh." "That's it." "Ha-ha-ha." "You sucker." "Hey, Mom, is Burt coming out of the basement?" "No." "Mom, he needs help." "He doesn't need help." "Oh, come on, Ma." "He's been acting really strange." "He sleeps down there in the basement." "Ma, yesterday he goes out and buys 200 Bunsen burners." "He needed them for an experiment." "Two hundred?" "They were on sale." "Mom, he should see a psychiatrist." "Look, the man's son was murdered." "That's an enormous shock." "There's bound to be some reaction to it." "He'll get over it." "Mom, last night he told me that sometimes he thinks he's invisible." "He was joking with you." "Invisible." "[LAUGHS]" "He was serious, Mom." "He told me that sometimes he can walk through a room and nobody sees him." "He says it helps him greatly with his detective work." "And you believed him?" "He was joking with you." "Look, this is all a reaction to grief." "There is no reason in the world to worry about Burt." "[EXPLOSION]" "MARY:" "Are you all right?" "Burt, what happened?" "I don't know." "I think I mixed the wrong chemicals." "I mean, they were supposed to foam slightly." "Burt, this is getting too dangerous." "Unless..." "Of course, someone tampered with my experiment." "The..." "The police." "Oh, that Tinkler, he's so jealous of me, it's incredible." "Me and my work." "The other day, I was at police headquarters," "I asked to see a hair from Corinne, they threw me out." "You've gotta stop doing this." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Mary." "Oh, my God." "Mary, Mary, it's me." "Let me look at you, just as plain as ever." "Oh, my God, Ingrid." "And this your husband?" "Interesting man." "Are you a chimney sweep?" "No." "He's Al Jolson." "And your sons, how nice." "One is a fruit-fruit, and one plays with dolls." "Hey, Miss Ingrid, whatever you are, get out of here." "I always thought your first husband was a horror." "This one is worse." "And now, I have a wonderful announcement to make." "My lovely, beautiful daughter, Corinne, has been released." "I knew it." "I knew she didn't do it." "That was the theory I was working on." "I wonder if the police stole my notes too." "Even better than that, Jessica has been arrested." "Isn't that lovely." "What?" "Jessica didn't do it, she's got red hair." "Not only is the man filthy, he's also an idiot." "Aah!" "What are you doing, you stupid lout?" "I'm gonna test this." "A person comes into your house and you pull out hairs?" "You dirty, stupid, crazy man." "I want you to leave now." "I would be delighted, but I will be back." "I'm not finished with this family." "I won't rest until I've destroyed every last one of you." "Ha!" "Well, obviously, the police have no idea what they're doing." "I gotta get back to work." "That Tinkler..." "Ow!" "Hey!" "I hope the fire's out down there." "Mom..." "I know, he needs help." "[♪♪♪]" "Nice." "Real nice." "A work of art." "Who did this, the new man?" "Yes, Mr. Lefkowitz." "Keep him, he's a Rembrandt." "So..." "So, so, so." "You are Danny." "Yes, sir." "Danny Dallas." "Yes, sir." "My daughter tells me I shouldn't kill you." "She's grown very fond of you." "So how did you two happen to meet?" "Well, you see, I was..." "Well, it was..." "Well, you see, what it was, was..." "I was..." "He's cute, but he should never be a fundraiser." "Forget it, what difference does it make, you met, right?" "Right." "I meet my wife in a bakery." "There was one rye bread, we both reached for it and I let her have it." "[PHONE RINGS]" "You have no idea how much that rye bread cost me." "Hello?" "Hello, Sally." "Right." "Right." "Fine." "New?" "Kill him." "Okay, have a nice weekend, Sally." "Bye." "So where was I?" "You were talking about some rye bread and how you and your wife..." "Did I tell that story?" "What a boring story." "Make a note, I gotta stop telling that story." "Okay, Elaine, sweetheart, be a good girl and let Daddy talk to your friend here in private." "No." "It's business, darling." "I don't care." "Okay, honey bunch, what do I have to do to get you to leave?" "Buy me a present." "What do you want?" "A fox coat." "Okay, a fox coat." "Make a note." "Oh, Daddy, silver." "A good one, no funny skins." "Just like your mother, they get out of a chair, costs me 10 grand." "Get the fur from Bernstein." "He owes me for killing his partner." "Does your mother need a coat?" "No." "No." "So, Danny Dallas." "Yes, sir." "You still owe us a favour, you know." "I know, I know." "But I can't kill a man, so if you're gonna ask me to shoot somebody, you might as well gun me down now." "No killing, no killing." "This is a non-violent favour." "Ick!" "What is that?" "Is that a finger?" "Tell Gomez, I know him 20 years, he kills a man, I take his word for it." "So, what is it?" "A finger." "I never saw anything so disgusting in my life." "You wanna see?" "No." "The favour." "The favour you wanted me to do." "Can't tell you now." "I'll tell you when the time is right." "Meanwhile, you don't have to dress up anymore." "So go home, enjoy yourself, and I'll be in touch." "Thank you, Mr. Lefkowitz." "Don't thank me, thank Elaine." "I think I already did." "Phew!" "I don't know how to thank you." "I do." "Hey, listen, I really appreciate everything." "And so long." "Hold it." "Where are you going?" "Home." "Wrong." "Hey, now look, Elaine, fun's fun..." "Oh, Daddy." "Wait, wait, wait." "Listen, Elaine, I gotta get some rest." "You haven't let me sleep in days." "Forget it, you're coming with me." "Upstairs." "Look, Elaine, I'm exhausted." "I can't move." "I can." "He's a nice boy." "It's too bad." "Wait till he finds out the favour is he's got to marry my daughter." "He'd be better off dead." "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Who is it?" "EUNICE:" "It's me." "Oh, darling." "Do you know what time it is?" "Where the hell have you been?" "What?" "Our one night together." "You know what my schedule is like." "I mean, I've been waiting for hours." "Now we hardly have any time." "Walter, my mother has been arrested." "Oh, wonderful." "We finally get a night together and your mother gets arrested." "I suppose now you're not in the mood." "What do you think, this is some big thrill for me?" "I love running over here in the middle of the night for three minutes, once a week?" "I'm sorry." "I just..." "Hey." "You have a morning press conference, I don't see you." "Your wife gives a dinner party, I don't see you." "Your kid plays a sweet potato in the Thanksgiving play and I don't see you." "But my mother gets arrested and you complain?" "Eunice, I'm sorry." "I am." "I mean it." "Come on, forgive me, huh?" "I'm a little upset." "I got this today." "Read it." "Come here." ""I know all about you and Eunice Tate." "To keep the pictures I have from the press will cost $50,000."" "Walter, what are you gonna do?" "Nothing." "It's a crackpot scheme to get money." "What could they possibly have pictures of?" "You know how careful we've been." "I've personally checked out every hotel room." "You think I get us rooms facing a brick wall because I like them?" "No, Eunice, I guarantee you, there's absolutely no way anyone could have ever..." "Oh, my God, Atlanta." "What?" "Atlanta." "Atlanta, remember?" "Atlanta?" "We had to stay over at the last minute." "I didn't have time to check the place out." "That little place." "The Peachtrees." "The Peachtrees." "Oh, my God." "That was the night you heard noises on the roof." "I said it was birds." "Birds?" "You said it was squirrels throwing peach pits." "What are you talking about, squirrels throwing peach pits?" "Squirrels can't throw." "Well, that's what I said, but you said, "Yes, squirrels can throw peach pits."" "Well, that's ridiculous." "I mean, nobody was there that night." "Nobody saw us that night." "Nobody took pictures." "What am I worrying about?" "Walter, that was the night we played that game." "What game?" "Walter." "I can't believe we did that, you know." "What?" "Where you dressed up as the Roman gladiator, and I was the slave you'd just bought." "Oh, my God." "And then you tied me to the..." "I'd better pay." "[♪♪♪]" "And that's actually what you do for a living?" "I mean, you're a..." "Hooker." "Oh, my goodness." "You see, I thought they only had them in Europe." "And you do it with strangers?" "It's kind of hard to charge a friend." "And so a customer was dissatisfied and turned you in?" "No, no, it was a cop." "You mean a cop was dissatisfied and turned you in?" "No." "No." "Well, let me ask you one more question." "My God, this is fascinating." "See, I never get to ask questions like this." "Okay, Babette, you're out on bail." "Mrs. Tate, your lawyer's here." "Benson?" "Well, Benson, you're not a lawyer." "Shh!" "They wouldn't let me in to see you, so I told them I was your lawyer." "You didn't." "Yeah." "I'm with the firm of Honeycutt, Pringle, Kaplan and Black." "I'm Black." "Black." "Well, you look like a lawyer." "Actually, you look very nice as a lawyer." "I'll bet you could be one." "I smell bacon." "That's because I brought breakfast." "Oh, Benson, look at this." "Blueberry muffins and Canadian bacon." "Grapefruit." "Well, I knew you couldn't eat the food in here." "What do you want for dinner?" "Oh, you know what I would love?" "What?" "Meatballs and spaghetti." "Well, that's a problem." "See, because the sauce will run in the case." "Right, and then you couldn't explain that." "Yeah, especially to Mr. Tate." "The briefcase is his." "Morning, darling." "Oh, hello, dear." "Benson, what are you doing here?" "Well, I'm..." "He's my lawyer, Chester." "Yes." "Honeycutt, Pringle, Kaplan and Black." "He's Black." "Well, I guess you won't be needing me." "No, no, no." "He's not a lawyer, he's a butler." "Benson, why are you posing as a lawyer?" "Because I couldn't get in to see her as a butler." "Carry on, counsellor." "Jessica, this is Mr. Franklin." "He was Corinne's lawyer." "Hopefully, he'll be taking your case." "How do you do, Mrs. Tate?" "Delighted." "I would like to ask you just a few simple questions, if it's all right." "Certainly." "Jessica." "Now, naturally, the first question I must ask you is did you kill Peter Campbell?" "Well, do I look like the sort of woman who would kill somebody?" "[LAUGHING]" "It's just that I have to hear the answer in your own words, Mrs. Tate." "I see." "So would you mind giving me the answer?" "I guess not." "Fine." "Would you give me the answer?" "I forgot the question." "Did you kill Peter Campbell?" "Oh, yes." "You did?" "No." "Yes, I remember the question." "I don't know how you could ask such a question." "Did I kill Peter Campbell?" "Did you?" "Did I what?" "Did you kill Peter Campbell?" "Well, of course not, silly." "Sheriff Tinkler found the gun that killed Peter Campbell in your lingerie drawer." "Now, do you know how it got there?" "I guess I put it there." "So the gun is yours?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, you see, I gave it to her for the nights that I was out of town, as a precaution." "I don't like having it." "Do you know once I was searching for a particular pair of panties, and the gun went off?" "Shot a hole through the drawer, went right out in the hall, and lodged in a portrait of my grandfather and put a hole in his head." "Which some people maintained he always had." "[LAUGHING]" "Mrs. Tate, if we could go on." "Now, the knife that killed Peter Campbell was found in your jewellery box." "Do you know how it got there?" "No." "How?" "I don't know." "I'm asking you." "Did you put it there?" "Not that I remember." "So you might have put it there?" "No, she didn't." "I assure you." "Well, now, Chester, I don't know." "You remember the time I put your shoes in the dishwasher." "Sometimes her mind is on something else." "Yes, I see." "Ahem." "Mrs. Tate, do you know who might have seen you sleeping in your guestroom the night of the murder?" "No." "Who?" "Do you think anybody saw you?" "Well, I don't know, Mr. Franklin." "I mean, who would want to see me sleeping?" "Fine." "Thank you very much, Mrs. Tate." "I think I've got all the information I need." "It's so nice to have met you." "Very nice to meet you." "Would you like some breakfast before you go?" "Not for me, thank you." "Come again." "Thank you." "Mr. Tate, if I could speak with you for a moment." "Mr. Tate, let me put this as candidly as possible." "Now, your wife, as we know, had the motive, the murder weapons were found in her room with her fingerprints all over them, and she had no alibi for that night." "Plus which, the judge, as you can see from the astronomical bail that he has set, hates rich people." "Well, what you're saying is it'll be a difficult case." "Mr. Tate, Clarence Darrow in his prime, arguing this case against a mute prosecutor, with a jury of Mrs. Tate's relatives, with you sitting as the judge, could not possibly hope to win." "Oh, I'm sorry, but I do have a career to think about." "I cannot take this case." "Well..." "Can't you recommend something?" "Yes." "Plead guilty." "It'll save you a lot of time and money, and the outcome will be the same." "I'm sorry." "What did he say, darling?" "It's an open-and-shut case." "You're not to worry about anything." "I'm not worried." "I'm innocent." "[♪♪♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Will Ingrid really destroy all the Tates and Campbells, or is this just some Swedish bragging?" "Does a blackmailer really have compromising pictures of Eunice and the congressman, or is it merely a school chum playing a practical joke?" "Will Danny marry Elaine, or will he decide he'd rather be killed?" "If the case against Jessica was argued against a mute prosecutor with Chester as the judge, would Jessica really be found guilty?" "And if she is, will her worst fear be realised?" "Will Shelley Winters play her in the film?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap." "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "Soap is videotaped in front of a studio audience."