" NAOMI:" "All..." " (FADING APPLAUSE) ...the wonderful things that London has to offer, and you all chose to come to this shit-hole?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "But, look, we've all come dressed in the same hipster uniform so as not to feel suicidally alone." " (CHUCKLING)" " You, man." "You've got it down." " Lovely trilby, lovely skinny jeans." " MAN:" "Thank you." "I bet you're thinking, "My bollocks are fucking squashed, yeah, but I feel cool." ""l feel cool."" "See, you're all right as a bloke." "If you put on the right clothes, you're fine, you're golden, right?" "Not so much for us ladies." "No, we've created a whole other set of rules to judge each other by." " (RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER)" " See, now, I'm a feminist." "I go full bush." "Yeah?" "(LAUGHTER)" "I'm against the hairless ideals put upon us by the media and, um... porn." "(LAUGHTER)" "Um... but all that's kind of changed recently, because, actually, got a bit of the old cancer." "Yes, I said cancer." "But don't worry, I'm fine." "Cancer's not the point." "The point is the targeted radiotherapy... ..which has actually made me completely fucking bald..." " (LAUGHTER) - ...you know, down, down in dispatch." "And I don't know if this is a massive "fuck you" to my feminist values, but I'm just gonna say it." " I feel really successful." " (LAUGHTER)" "I feel like Rihanna but without the bruises." " (AUDIENCE GROANS)" " Um..." "I mean, it's like bald vag equals opportunity." "My snatch has just been offered, you know, a three-album contract and a perfume deal, so... (ROLLING THUNDER)" "(LONG BEEP)" "(LONG BEEP)" "I can't keep sitting through this comedy shit." "I mean, it's great that she's doing well, but she's not paid her rent for three months now." "Three fucking months." "Are you allowed to ask someone who's got cancer if they can pay the rent?" "(SIGHING) Seriously, it would all be fine if they just paid her." "Why does no-one get paid?" "No!" "Listen to me." "I'm angry." " Shut up..." " OK." " (GIGGLES) - ...and come with me." " OK." " Aah!" " (LAUGHS)" " Fuck!" "Right, that's it." "You're getting it." "You're getting it." " (SLAP)" " Ow!" "JAKE:" "Rich?" "Yeah." "Well, it's three in the fucking morning." "What do you expect?" "OK, but we said 500 at 90." "rich:" "Well, no-one's going to buy it at this price." " There'll be buyers, trust me." " I can give you 400 tomorrow." "No, Rich, we said 500 and you know it." "400 tomorrow." " It needs to happen now." " I'll do my best." "(SIGHS)" " OK, look, can I call you back?" " Cool." "Yeah, fine." "Bye." "Come back to bed." "I've got to trade these fucking piece-of-shit futures before the..." "Oh, it's just all day, you know, I just can't seem to get ahead." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " It's putting me on edge." "You need to come back to bed." "OK." "Mm." " (PHONE RINGING)" " No, I haven't spoken to him yet." "He told me he wasn't moving till tomorrow." "Hey, do you know Tom Chittock's number?" "No, sorry." "John, sorry, we just don't have it." "What's up with you at the moment?" "Morning to you too, Mark." "You've got half of last month's trades in future strategy." "It doesn't make any sense." "Fuck." "Sorry." "I must have got the folders confused." "Yeah, so stop coasting." "Sort it now." "(SHOUTING)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" " Whoo!" " (LAUGHS) Oh, my God!" " Emily." " Hi." " What are you doing here?" " NAOMI:" "She didn't tell me either." "Yeah, well, I got a few days off and I thought I'd surprise you." " That's great." "Did Naomi ring you or...?" " EMILY:" "Oh, my God." "You look like a sexy funeral director or something." "Thank you." "It's just for work." "Yeah, I wanna hear about it." "You're gonna have to listen to me bang on about New York." "She's already bored." "Let me get a drink first." "These are really, really good." "I'm actually very proud of you." " So, where does Emily think you are?" " Comedy workshop." "(SNORTS)" "You could use actual words, you know." "Fine." "This is fucked up." "If she finds out now, she'll go mental and drop out of her internship." "She worked her tits off to get it in the first place, and I'm not gonna be the reason she loses it." "She deserves to know what's going on." "Did you just hear what I said?" "She will know." "Just as soon as this is all over, which it will be soon, OK?" " Miss Campbell?" " Stay here." "Do you want your friend to come with you to the scan?" " No." " Yes." "OK." "If you could lie down on the board now, Naomi." "You can stand over there." "You all right?" "I'm going to start it up now, Naomi." " (WHIRRING)" " Nice and still, please." "(SIGHS)" "(WHIRRING)" "Put your hands in tight, please." "Let go, Naomi." "Naomi, you need to let go of my hand." " Eff?" " EFFY:" "It's fine." "It's fine." "You're OK." " (LOUD WHIRRING)" " NURSE:" "Don't speak, please." "(LOUD WHIRRING)" "(LOUD whirring)" "Surprise." "What are you doing here?" "Well, you told me your friends wanted to meet me." "I didn't think you'd actually come." " (POP) - (MUSIC PLAYING)" "So, wait, they sent you to boarding school at six?" " Yep." " Jesus." "So, boarding school, to Oxbridge, to a million-pound bonus in the City." "It's not always a million." " Oh, not always?" " Ah, good." "Well, that's all right, then." "Keeping it real." "So, just because Jake doesn't lounge about all day, being an unemployed comedian, not paying rent, means he doesn't live in the real world?" "Well, you're such a shining example." "I mean, we really look up to her, don't we, Ems?" " Oh, we idolise her." " JAKE:" "So you should." "I'd like to propose a toast." "To Effy, the most fucking together person I've ever met." "Cheers." "Oh, yeah, she's always been like that." "Haven't you, Eff?" "(NAOMI AND EMILY GIGGLE)" "EMILY:" "Don't be mean." "She's a good girl now." "Oh, Eff, don't be a fanny." "We're just playing." "It's fine." "You're just twatted." "As per." "I'm going to bed." "Thank you for a wonderful evening." "Is she all right?" "She's fine." "She's always stressed these days." "Never get a job in the City." "(NAOMI AND EMILY MOANING)" "(NAOMI AND EMILY GASPING AND MOANING)" " Sorry." " (GASPING AND MOANING)" "(SIGHS) It's a bit distracting." " Are they always like this?" " Every night." "(GASPING AND MOANING)" "It's just a bit off-putting." "It's not just them, though, is it?" "I can't remember the figures ever being this low." "I literally have nothing to tell the investors." " (NAOMI AND EMILY GASPING)" " It's just the recession." "I need another big win." "I need an Effy special." "It was just luck last time." "Come on." "You're brilliant." " No." " Yes." " Yes." " No, you don't get it." "I had some help." "OK." "There's nothing wrong with that." "Some more of that would be good right now." "Could you make that happen?" "(TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT)" "Bye." "I love you." "NAOMI:" "I love you, too." "Why are you doing this?" "Because I love her." "Then why won't you tell her the truth?" "Because she matters more to me than the truth does." "I wouldn't expect you to understand." "(LOW BACKGROUND CHATTER)" "Angry man approaching." "Mark, I'm coming." "I'm just making a coffee." "The trading sheets you were supposed to redo after your first fuck-up" " are still fucked." " I looked through everything." "You know, maybe if you took the boss's dick out of your mouth for more than five minutes of the day, you might have some time to concentrate on your actual fucking job." " Fuck you, Mark." " Oh, no, that wouldn't work, would it?" "Because if his dick wasn't in your mouth, you wouldn't be in this job in the first place, would you?" "That was so totally out of order." " Jane?" " Yeah?" "Please fuck off." "No." "OK." "I really, really can't." "I said OK, Dom." "I mean, from where I'm sitting, you seem to be doing pretty good as you are." "Truth is, it's all gone tits up." "Really, really bad." "Jake's cutting himself up about it." "Oh, Jake's cut up, is he?" "Poor Jake." "Yeah, he is." "He's really worried." "He asked me to help him." "Why do you like him?" "Like, seriously, why do you like him?" "He makes me feel like I'm good at this." "I'm such an idiot." "I managed to convince myself that you weren't shagging him." "Dom, that's not the point." "It is." "It is, though, isn't it?" "Obviously." "Because I'm pathetically in love with you." " As you know." " It's just a crush, you twat." "A crush?" "Oh, my God." "OK, fine, cool." "That's cool." "Yeah, crush." "OK." "I mean, that would have been lovely, if you would have completely ignored me for a couple of years." "I might have forgotten about it." "But, no, you had to make friends with me, get me addicted to fags, this smoking spot." "You asked me to break the law for multi-million-pound scams." "I..." "I think..." "I think you should leave me alone." "I really do, for a bit, and not come to this smoking spot any more." "I think you'll find this is my smoking spot." "(FAST FOOTSTEPS)" "(SIGHS)" "Hey, I thought I was late." "You are." "Naomi?" "Come on." "Glad to see you." "Yes." "Good." "It looks as though the radiotherapy hasn't done what we wanted." "It was a little speculative, in any case, trying to shrink and..." "Well, great." "Wonderful(!" ")" "What the fuck do we do next?" "We proceed to the chemotherapy." "I think we did discuss this." "No." "No, you said it was a possibility." "A possibility!" "Well, yes, I think sometimes we use words which are which are less exact, because it's hard to take in everything at once." "What the fuck?" "You said it was a possibility!" "I'm sorry." "Now we have to go on to the chemo." "It's a much more resolute treatment." "It can help you defeat this." " (NAOMI SIGHS)" " I'm very optimistic." " When?" " Tomorrow, ideally." "We should start." "Come on, then." " What?" " This is where you will reassure me." "Fucking hell." "It'll be fine." "He's really good." "Yeah, thanks." "You've put my mind at rest." "Thank fuck!" "Naomi." "Stop." "We're going this way." "Taking my car." "You don't have a car." "Hi." "For you." " Ah, aren't you sweet?" " How were the results?" " Chemo tomorrow." " I'm so sorry." "It'll be worth it." "I know it doesn't make it any less shit, but..." "See?" "That's how you do it." " What did you say to her?" " I'm doing my best, Dom." "TV PRESENTER:" "We are talking about normal use." "So, do you guys know what normally will cause a condom to..." "NAOMI:" "Eurgh!" " ...malfunction?" " I gotta go." " (LAUGHS)" " Friction?" "Oh, well, feel free to come round whenever you want." "Right, er... yeah." "Yeah, cheers." "I will." "Yeah, cool." "(PUTS MEMORY STICK DOWN)" "What's that?" "Something's happening tomorrow." "See you." "NAOMI:" "Cheerio." "JAKE:" "I thought with all the environmental crazies protesting, it was a no-go." "Shale gas is like fucking reputation cancer." "Which is why the company's share prices have been dropping in the last few months." "When is he making the announcement?" "Tomorrow." "Well, then, we have to buy it." "We have to buy it all." " How large is your portfolio?" " Ten million." "It's not enough." " Do you know Mark's password?" " They reset them last week." "It'll be his surname." "Bingo." "Go, Effy!" "Ah, this is good." "This is very, very good." "(LOUD CHATTER)" "Hello..." "(LOUD CHATTER)" "Get on with it." "(MOANS AND GASPS)" "JAKE:" "We are here to celebrate a characteristically abysmal performance this quarter." "However, this week we dug ourselves out of a hole and we made some fucking money!" "(CHEERING)" "Keep your eyes closed." "Come this way a little bit." "Walking, keep walking, keep walking." "Wait there, wait there." "(SIGHS) OK, open." " What the hell is this?" " Do you like it?" "Is this where Patrick Bateman lives?" "No, this is our new flat." " The lease isn't up on ours yet." " Yeah, I know." " I'm just gonna pay for both for a while." " Why?" "I don't know, Naomi." "Thought you might appreciate it." "Thought it might be nice." " But I like our flat." " Yeah, well..." "I've moved your stuff into the big bedroom." "Go turn your nose up at that." "It's that way." " I'm going out." " Effy." "(DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS)" "(DOOR SHUTS)" "(SIGHS)" "Great." "(LOW CHATTER)" "(PHONE RINGS)" " Effy Stonem." " WOMAN:" "Elizabeth Stonem?" " Speaking." " Yes, good morning." "I'm calling to check your availability for a meeting tomorrow at the FSA." "A meeting with who, sorry?" "The FSA." "The Financial Services Authority." "We have some questions we would like you to answer." "I'm calling for your availability." "Hello, Miss Stonem?" "Miss Stonem, are you there?" "EFFY:" "Yes." "Er... sorry." " Hey." " What's up?" "I had a call from the FSA." "They want me to go in for a meeting." "(SIGHS) OK." "What exactly did they say?" "Nothing." "They just told me I need to go in tomorrow." "Jake, I..." "I need you to tell me that this isn't as bad as I think it is." "Seriously, I need you to tell me this is fine." "It's fine." "It's fine." "They have nothing." "Well, they obviously have something, otherwise they wouldn't" " be calling me in." " No, you tell them nothing." "Understand?" "Look." "If I mean anything to you..." "OK?" "If we mean anything, you'll do exactly as I say." "You deny everything and everything goes on." "OK?" " OK." " OK." " (DOOR CREAKS)" " Naomi." "It's just me." "Naoms, where are you?" "(KNOCKS)" "Naoms?" "(WHISPERS) Eff?" "(CRYING) Can't stop puking." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "You're so hot." "Fuck." "Right, let's get you up, then." "It's been like this all day." "I didn't know if you were coming round." "I'm sorry." "Oh, my God, you're so hot." "(SNIFFS) It won't fucking stop!" "(CRYING)" "OK." "I didn't know who else to ring." "She won't let me take her into hospital." "No, it's OK." "It's good you called." "Hi." " Sorry, Dom." " No, ssh." "Don't worry." "Eff, put the shower on." "Let's get you cooled down." "One... one minute." "OK, one, two, three." "There we go." "Ah, sluice the puke off me." "The romance." "Would you like me to get naked too, for solidarity?" " Nah, you're all right, Dom." " It's your loss." " You got any drugs?" "Legal ones." " No." "Go and fucking get some." "Go." " She's cooler." " That's good." "I'll sleep on the sofa and hang out here tomorrow if you're working." "They won't miss me." " I've just got a meeting in the morning." " No problem." "Thank you." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Hope you know what you're doing with that boy." " Call her." " No." "Fucking call her." "Not yet." "(BEEP)" "(BEEP)" " Elizabeth Stonem?" " Yes." "This way, please." "VICTORIA:" "Thank you, Clare." "Effy." "You look well." "So do you, Victoria." "You've gone all gamekeeper." "Yeah, it's quite funny." "I think they like me to draw on my experience with the poachers, like you." "You know I'm just a trader." "I think you're a little more than that." " You gonna tell me what this is about?" " We're getting around to it." "Well, get around to it quicker." "You're boring me." "I know what you've been doing, Effy." "I'm sure it was just to get ahead." "I don't know what impression you've got, but..." "Well, let's call it an impression that you've been using illegally obtained information to create trading profits." "About 11 million pounds' worth, to be precise." "I don't know if this is some sort of "putting me in my place" exercise, but it's a bit fucking extreme." "We're all ambitious, Effy, but sometimes we have to check in with ourselves to make sure that we're not going over the line." "It's not my fault he didn't want you." "It's not a crime to sleep with your boss." "It's pretty fucking stupid, but we're both pathetic when it comes to that." "You're just trying to fuck him over." "I don't need to." "I didn't illegally create 11 million pounds of profits through insider trading." "He's fucking himself over." "And you." "Don't you get it?" " We need to carry on." " You carry on." "Give him up, Effy!" "Fuck you." "(MOBILE RINGS)" "VOICEMAIL:" "You have one new message." "DOMINIC:" "Eff, it's me." "Um..." "I'm gonna take Naomi in." "She's... she's OK." "She's still puking." "I think she should be looked over." "We'll be at the Royal if you can get away from work, OK?" "OK, bye." "(LIFT PINGS)" "EFFY:" "Hi." " What's going on?" " It's not great news." "But you feel better, right?" "No, the treatment's not working, Eff." "Well, then, she needs another treatment." "No, that's not it." "Naoms?" "(SIGHS) You're supposed to make me comfortable." "And it's snowing." "I've got something to tell you." "I had a meeting with the FSA today." "They called me in because they're investigating my profits." "I think they might be coming to you next." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "They know, Dom." "They know I've done something." "She's alone in there, and all..." "You know what?" "Fuck it." "Fuck this." "(SIGHS)" "Naomi?" "Naomi?" "What are you doing out here?" "It's fucking freezing." "I promised Emily once that I would never, ever hurt her again." "Yeah, I know." "And when the New York job came up, it didn't even seem like that big a deal, because... we're Naomi and Emily." "It didn't matter, because we love each other." "And now now I have to hurt her so much that it might never be OK again." "Stop talking like a dick." "It's not gonna be like that." "(SNIFFS)" "It's OK." "I get it." "But Emily... (SOBS) This isn't fair!" "Stop it." " You've just been outside too long." " (CRIES)" "Come on, let's get back inside." "(SOBS)" "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Dom?" "What are you doing here?" "I've been, er... walking around, um... trying not to come here." " Let me take your coat off." " No, fuck off!" "Get off me." "OK?" "You know, they took my computer." "They've taken it." "Look, it... it's fine." "They can't prove you did anything." " You're working yourself up over nothing." " No, I'm not." "Because I am going to go to prison, you bitch!" "Stop pretending like this isn't happening." " I'm sorry." " Do you know the worst thing?" "The worst thing is, is I deserve it." "I do, because I was fine." "Before you I was fine, and now I'm fucking pathetic!" " Dom, wait." " No, fuck off!" "OK?" "Fuck off." "I didn't mean for any of this to happen!" "OK, that's it." "That's it done." "I don't wanna talk about it any more." "That's it." "Fuck you." "(GASPING)" "(PANTING AND GASPING)" "(PANTING)" "(HE GRUNTS)" "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "It's fine, it's fine." "It was... it was me." " No." " I'm sorry." "I'm really..." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)" " (PHONE RINGING) - (CHATTER)" "Where have you been?" "I've been trying to call you." "Effy, this is Mr Jessup." "Mr Jessup is Head of the Legal Department." "He's here to talk to us about the FSA investigation." "Have a seat, Miss Stonem." "Page five." "The trades that occurred between those two dates are the ones the FSA seem to be most interested in." "Do you recognise them, Miss Stonem?" "I don't know." "Point being, their evidence of insider trading is pretty strong." "Looks like they've found a source." "Now, my guess is that you acted alone, Miss Stonem." "You took a chance in order to improve your reputation in the company," " and it backfired." " EFFY:" "No." "Mr Abassi?" "Do you believe there to be any company involvement beyond Miss Stonem?" "No." "There was no other involvement." "In that case, I would recommend Miss Stonem's immediate suspension whilst her portfolio and records are prepared for the FSA." "Miss Stonem, I would highly recommend you find yourself a good lawyer." "Morning, Jake." " Why are you doing this?" " Sorry." "I have no choice." "Look at me." "Turn around and look at me!" "I'm so, so sorry." "Tell me." "Tell you what?" "Something." "What you're thinking." "Nothing." "I'm not thinking of anything." "I'm fine." " Fuck off." " Naomi!" " Get off my bed." " What have I done?" "Nothing." "You've done nothing." "That's the whole point." "I've been trying to hold it all together." "You've been hiding in a fantasy, and a really fucking lame one at that." "(PANTING) And I've been sitting at home on my own, hoping that my best friend might just come home and watch TV with me." "(PANTING)" "Because, seriously, Eff, what else have we got?" "(PANTING)" "Tell me what we're gonna do." "Well, I'm going to die." "What are you gonna do?" "♪ Ding, ding, ding, ding Ding, ding, ding, ding" "♪ Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh" "♪ O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way" "♪ Bells on bobtail ring Making spirits bright" "♪ Oh, what fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight" "♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way" "♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh" "♪ Hey!" "Jingle bells, jingle bells... ♪" "Hey." "How are you?" "♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh... ♪ Ding, ding, ding, ding Ding, ding, ding, ding" "♪ Ding, ding, ding, ding Ding, ding, ding, ding" "♪ Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh" "♪ O'er the fields we go" "♪ Laughing all the way" "♪ Bells on bobtail ring Making spirits bright" "♪ Oh, what fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight" "♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells... ♪" "Just stay where you are." "Do you not think that you've already taken enough away from me as it is?" "You... you didn't even deserve this time with her." " You stole it from me." " She wouldn't let me." "I'll never forgive you for that." "Canary Wharf, please." "OK." "I've got a condition." "It's just me, all right?" "Please, please don't go after Dom." "He doesn't deserve this." "Dominic's not the important one here." "Look, Jake's a nice man, but he's weak and he's greedy." "I thought it was real." "So, it was his fault?" "You were inexperienced and he took advantage?" "That's shitty." "All right." "All right, you'll make a statement naming Jake?" "Yeah." "You know you'll still go to prison?" "I know." "(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "I can't go in." "I just..." "I just need some more time." "There isn't any more time, Emily." "I'm so angry with her." "She's dying, Emily." "I know." "(SOBS)" "(SOBBING)" "Look at me." "Be strong." "You need to be strong for her, like she was strong for you." "(SNIFFING)" "(EMILY SOBBING)" "(MOUTHS)" "(EMILY SOBBING)" "(CRIES)" "(LIFT PINGS)" "You've just arrived in London, haven't you?" "We should go for a drink." "I didn't mean this to happen." "It's you, isn't it?" "I don't know who took this." "I think someone's following me." "He's taking weird photos." "It's here." "This creep's got you."