"You're serious, you haven't heard that before?" "Hold on." "He said that we all want to ride our ma's and kill our da's?" "That's putting it bluntly, but yeah." "For God's sake, what's wrong with that fella?" "No, I definitely don't want to ride my ma." "I mean, she was a bit of a looker 20 years ago but she has lost it." "No, it's the other way round for girls." "Girls want to kill their ma and ride their da." "Oh, no, no, no, that's not better." "What does it mean if you don't want to ride your ma or da but you do want to kill both of them?" "That you're a sociopath." "This Freud laddy sounds as mad as a bag of cats." "Do you know what he said about the Irish?" "What?" "That we're the only people immune to psychoanalysis." "What did he mean?" "That we're so fucking mental that there's just no fixing us." "What would that wee pervert know?" "Still no word from Connor." "Would you relax?" "He'll be back." "He only went to the chippy." "Seven days ago!" "You don't think it's a bit worrying?" "I think it's a long time to be waiting on a battered sausage." "What if something's wrong, what if he's had an accident or been, kidnapped or something?" "Kidnapped?" "Come on, what are the chances of that happening... again?" "I hope you're right because that was fucking awful." "Aye, was it?" "He had a great time." "He hadn't a bad word to say about those lads." "Didn't he invite them to his 21st?" "I suppose." "And they did make a cake." "Mm-hm." "It's nice this, isn't it?" "Having a cuddle." "Yeah." "Do you know what's even nicer?" "Naked cuddling." "Er, I can't, Niamh." "You can!" "It's just like normal cuddling only we don't have a stitch on." "It's class!" "But it could lead to other things." "Come on, Marty." "Let's just have a quick roll around, no one's going to know." "God will know." "Will he, though?" "The fella has an awful lot going on." "I'm sure we're none of his notion." "He's all seeing, Niamh." "Aye, so he is." "The prick!" "You said you cared about me." "I do." "If you really cared about me you'd ride me." "All right, what's happening?" "Connor still hasn't come back." "It's grand, I'm not even hungry anymore." "How's things with the Virgin Marty?" "Still nothing!" "He won't even let me have a bit of a shuffle." "Niamh, look, I don't think it's going to happen." "You've tried your best, nobody can fault you." "You've nothing to be ashamed of." "But I really want to bounce on his balls, Packy." "I know." "I know." "Oh, Christ!" "Look, an invitation to Caoimhe Kavanagh's new exhibition." "Who?" "Went to school with her." "Absolute dose." "What are you talking about?" "You loved Caoimhe Kavanagh." "You wanted to be Caoimhe Kavanagh." "No, I did not!" "Come on, Bronagh, your head was up her hole." "One Christmas she knit her a leg warmer." "You knit her a leg warmer." "What, like... just the one leg warmer?" "I don't want to talk about it." "You creeped the living Jesus out of the poor girl," "I'm surprised she's even invited you to this thing." "Well, it's..." "It's actually addressed to you." ""This haunting exhibition is Belfast-born Kavanagh's" ""most personal yet, drawing heavily on her own traumatic childhood."" "Oh, what a bag of balls!" "Yeah, it does sound like a shower of shite, in fairness." "Traumatic childhood?" "She lived in this huge house in the countryside and she had a horse, an actual horse, you know, with legs and everything!" "Such a lovely fella." "When did you get to meet the horse?" "When I went to her sleepover." "You went to Caoimhe Kavanagh's sleepover?" "Well, I think it sounds interesting." "She's lying, Packy." "She's lying about her past to sell a few pishy paintings." "It's disgusting, unethical and we're having no part in it." "Apparently she's got fat." "Who's got fat, Caoimhe's got fat?" "How fat are we talking?" "We're talking massive!" "When is this thing open, tonight, is it?" "All right?" "Hola, como estas?" "Sorry, who would you be?" "..Keira Knightley." "Oh, I see." "Excuse me." "All right, how's it going?" "I think these might be a bit cold." "Ah, it's only been a week," "I'm sure they'll be grand." "Do you think?" "No, I don't think." "Where the fuck have you been?" "Does that wee Spanish woman belong to you?" "She's Mexican." "What's she doing in our bathroom?" "Well, I think that's her business." "Connor, who is she?" "OK, so I run into Jonjo Riley at the chippy and we decided that we'd go for a pint." "So we headed into this bar in, erm..." "What do you call that place again?" "I don't know." "You do know." "What is it it's called?" "No idea." "You do!" "It's that place that exactly like Ireland but it's totally different." "Scotland?" "That's it." "You went for a pint in Scotland?" "Aye." "So Jonjo gets himself into a fight with, do you know that fella Taggart?" "The fella from the TV show?" "Aye." "The dead fella?" "Aye." "So Jonjo gets himself into a scrap with him, and even though he wasn't the one to start the fight, we were the ones who got kicked out cos..." "Well, the bouncers are hardly going to tackle that fella Taggart." "He's very high up in the police force." "Like, he's a detective." "He's not a detective, though." "He was an actor who played a detective and who is now dead." "Exactly." "So whoever Jonjo fought with in that pub, it wasn't fucking Taggart." "Look, Packy, with all due respect I was there, you weren't." "Who the feck is the fecking Mexican woman in the fecking bathroom?" "!" "I'm getting to that!" "Well, get there quicker, get there much quicker, get there now!" "Her name is Maria!" "And she is my wife." "Come the fuck again?" "He went to Scotland and he married this wee Mexican lady." "This is a whole other level of spastification, and you, you could do a lot better." "Aye, well so you should be." "I know I ask you this a lot, mate, but I'd genuinely like an answer this time." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "Yeah, OK, it's sudden." "And, yes, maybe we should have told you first." "But we just got so caught up in the moment." "It just felt right, you know." "Connor, you only know what happened cos you've found the marriage certificate in your shoe!" "..Keira Knightley." "Why is she banging on about Keira Knightley?" "She's a big fan." "Seriously, you need to work out what you're going to do about this." "Definitely have to start looking for our own place." "We're thinking north London." "We've heard the schools are better." "Listen to me, mate." "You're not moving to North London." "You're not having kids." "You're getting this thing annulled." "No, Packy, there'll be no annulling." "Oh, there's going to be annulling, Connor." "There's going to be lots of fucking annulling." "Will we get to meet the Pope?" "Look, Packy." "You're my best friend but she is my wife." "Don't you make me choose." "Is this actually happening?" "I tell you what you haven't thought about, cock piss." "The ma and da, they are going to kick your hole for this." "You are so, so, so dead." "Good man yourself." "Congratulations, son!" "Really, seriously?" "And she's a beautiful looking girl." "You're a beautiful looking girl, Maria!" "Very exotic." "All right, folks, she's Mexican, she's not deaf." "You have to take a run over to us, Maria, love." "We'll have a bit of a do." "We'll get some tacos in." "Isn't that lovely, not at all racist." "I tell you what, we could do with a bit of good news after the week we've had." "What's wrong, ma?" "It's all kicking off on the estate." "What do you mean?" "We're having an awful lot of bother with a ghost." "Right, of course you are." "What's it up to?" "Oh, what's it not up to!" "It's knocking over bins, digging up gardens." "Are you sure it's a ghost." "It wouldn't be like a dog or fox, you know, something that actually exists?" "No, it's definitely a ghost." "Maggie Gallagher caught him floating above the garage." "I think it was trying to nick our car." "Crafty bastard!" "What are you going to do, da?" "We've spoken to Father Michael, he said he'd call-up after seven o'clock mass and just zap the dirty wee brute out of here." "Right." "Well, you seem to have that covered." "So, Bronagh, love, your wee brother made it down the aisle before you." "How does that feel?" "Sorry, I can't..." "the connections a bit..." "Eejits!" "I've made a decision, a big decision." "I'm going to marry Marty." "No you're fucking not." "Why not?" "Connor got married." "It was the best day of my life." "See!" "Look, people need to stop marrying people, it's getting out of hand." "It's not for good - just marry him, ride him and divorce him." "You can't divorce him." "How come?" "Hardline Christians don't believe in divorce." "Oh, what do they believe in?" "Being boring bastards mainly." "Seriously, Niamh, just pack it in." "No chance." "I've put far too much time and effort into this." "I'm going to ride him, Packy, so help me God, I'm going to ride him sideways." "But how do I do it, lads..." "How?" "Hold a gun to his head?" "No, Niamh, just no." "Hmm." "Me too." "Erm, Maria is really looking forward to the exhibition, she loves art." "We've so much in common." "Like you've ever set foot in an art gallery before, ballroot!" "Are we seriously going to go all the way into town just to stand in a room and stare at stuff?" "The only thing I'm going to be staring at the night is Caoimhe's big fat hole." "Wankerville." "I can't see Caoimhe anywhere." "And she should be pretty hard to miss!" "Seriously, Bronagh, the fact that this girl is overweight now makes you happy?" "Oh, yes, yes it does." "Lads, get yourself involved in this." "This table is coming down with cheese, all kinds of cheese, and it's free!" "It's a table full of free cheese, lads!" "I'm all right for cheese, mate, you fill your boots." "Aye, fair play to you, Maria." "She talks some amount of balls." "What are you doing?" "There's a really hot woman waving at me, look." "Oh, for fuck's sake!" "You know her, who is she?" "Caoimhe." "She's not fat." "Nope." "She's thin." "Yep." "I'm going to decorate Niamh's face with a nail gun." "Bronagh!" "Oh, my God!" "How long's it been?" "Eight years." "Eight years." "Is it really that long?" "It's more like eight years and three months." "The last time I saw you was prize giving night." "You were wearing your blue dress, remember?" "No, not really." "Below the knee, sleeveless, very figure hugging." "How did you cope with the VPL?" "I suppose you wore a thong." "Or maybe nothing." "I'm not sure what your knicker situation was." "Well, it's good to see you anyway." "We came with Niamh." "Niamh got invited." "I didn't get invited." "Didn't get invited to this, didn't get invited to your sleepover." "You look great." "So do you." "You look great." "And you look small." "You look great and small!" "So um... what do you make of the exhibition?" "Well..." "We are just absolutely loving it." "It's just so thought provokingly... ..thought... provoking." "Yeah, I'm sort of preoccupied with that space between childhood and adulthood, the end of innocence." "Yeah." "Yeah, me too." "Me three." "Are you?" "Yeah." "The end of innocence and just endings generally because there are so many endings in life." "Oh, absolutely." "So many endings, yes." "But also so many beginnings." "Of course." "And so many endings that are beginnings and beginnings that are endings." "That's a very good point." "Is it?" "Is it really?" "Like when a relationship ends, yes, something is over, but something new is about to start." "That's a great way to look at it." "I think so, especially now that I am single, you know, unattached, completely available." "Patrick by the way." "Caoimhe." "I'm writing a book, Caoimhe." "Are you?" "Are you?" "!" "Yes, Packy." "Amazing!" "Is it fiction, nonfiction?" "Well, I'm not sure what it is yet." "I'm at a very early stage in the creative process, but I've got a few ideas and I've bought some pens." "Brilliant." "Yeah, I think it will be." "Cool." "Well, look, I should probably mingle for a bit, but don't go anywhere, do you hear me?" "Loud and clear!" "Bye!" "What?" "!" "Do you want to ride her or something?" "Do you want to ride her or something?" "There is something so sad about it." "She just looks lost." "It's a bit half-hearted." "It's not even coloured in." "I think it's deliberately stark because..." "Yeah, yeah." "Course." "I see that now." "Listen, I need to tell you something." "What's wrong, Niamh?" "I'm dying, Marty." "You're dying?" "I'm on my way out." "Right, and when did you find this out?" "I got the test results this afternoon." "I was with you this afternoon." "Yesterday afternoon." "The thing is, before I go, I want to..." "I need to get the buck one last time." "Yeah, I thought you might." "Well, we should probably head home and get cracking in that case, so..." "Niamh, are you lying to me?" "Oh!" "Do you seriously think I would lie about something like this?" "Well, um... yeah." "I think you might actually." "Fine!" "Let's go and look at some more dicky drawings then!" "I'm not too sure, actually." "Camembert, maybe?" "Tell you what though, it is fucking lovely!" "Bronagh, this is probably why she never took to you." "You should have knitted a pair." "One leg warmer's no use to anyone like!" "You told me she was fat." "Yeah." "I don't know where I got that from." "She should be fat, Niamh." "She had a horse." "Where's the justice?" "Yeah." "I'm still having no joy with frigid features." "Just going to cut your losses?" "Maybe, but first I might try this..." "Have you heard of this Rohypnol stuff?" "It's supposed to be great!" "Aye." "So I believe." "I think it's important I explore all my options." "Maria, look..." "It's all right." "Just calm down." "I don't know what's wrong with her." "Wind your neck in." "Is everything OK?" "She's lost the run of herself." "Maria, seriously, lot of baldies." "Do you need me to translate?" "I speak Spanish." "I speak a bit of French." "Which is shite all to do with anything." "She would like her husband to look at the pictures with her." "But he is only interested in the cheese." "He doesn't care for her." "He only cares for the cheese." "She now realises..." "..that fame has taught him to be selfish." "Fame?" "!" "She thinks Conor's famous." "Famous for what?" "Jack Sparrow." "She says he plays Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean." "Oh, really?" "Does he now?" "Maria, Conor is many things, but he is not Captain Jack Sparrow." "No." "No." "Did he play anybody in Pirates of the Caribbean?" "Not as far as I'm aware." "Did he fuck!" "No." "What does that mean?" "She prays he gets fucked hard by a pig." "Aw, I'm really starting to like her." "Oh, look." "It's Edward Fucking Scissorhands!" "What?" "You told that wife of yours that you were Johnny Depp." "I did not." "Then why does she think you're Johnny Depp, Conor?" "Oh." "I get that a lot." "Dickhead!" "Jesus Christ!" "What?" "Have you seen my wee virgin anywhere?" "I was sure I put him here." "Do you like this one?" "I do." "I love all the use of colour and the use of... paint." "I had the idea for it in a dream." "Really?" "I just woke up one night and just leapt out of bed." "It was still pitch black outside, but I knew I just had to get it out of my head right there and then." "I didn't even stop to get dressed or anything." "I mean, standing in my studio, naked, painting through the night." "Can you imagine?" "Yeah, I can!" "I can imagine all right." "Bronagh, can you lend me L100?" "Get to fuck!" "Please." "What for?" "I might have accidentally bought a painting." "Are you seriously going to pay L100 for one of these pieces of pish?" "500, I have to use my rent money as well." "L500?" "!" "Are you deranged?" "!" "She started talking about painting in the nip and before I knew it, it had all gone too far." "There's no backing out now." "She's put a wee sold sticker on it." "Well, tell her to take the wee sold sticker off!" "I don't think that's how it works!" "Tell her you can't afford it." "I fancy the arse off her!" "Jesus Christ, fine, I'll fucking tell her!" "Tell who what?" "No, it's not important." "It's nothing." "Um..." "Cheese?" "No, I'm good for cheese, thanks." "Patrick, this will probably be wrapped up in about an hour." "I was just wondering..." "Yeah." "I was wondering if you fancied going for a drink afterwards." "She was wondering if you fancied a drink afterwards." "I would definitely fancy that." "He doesn't want your stupid painting!" "You are taking the piss!" "I'm so sorry." "She was really upset and I was just comforting her and one thing led to another." "She was upset?" "!" "I'm upset!" "Two weeks without betting poked, that's upsetting, Marty!" "Will you pipe down for two seconds?" "We're trying to have a conversation." "I couldn't fight it." "She's just so... ..exotic and that accent..." "What?" "!" "And I'm not exotic?" "My accent's not sexy?" "I'll have you know my accent was voted the sexiest in the world." "In the world!" "Voted by who?" "People!" "There was a poll!" "I'm really sorry." "I was weak." "Please forgive me." "No." "I won't forgive you." "And do you know who else won't?" "God!" "I know for a fact he is absolutely fucking fuming about this!" "You said you loved it." "You said it spoke to you." "Well, he was talking shite." "Conor!" "Your wife is out there fucking my virgin!" "Maria?" "No." "It can't be true." "She's bouncing on his bar as we speak!" "What can you do?" "Get out there and pull her off him!" "I put all the hard work in and she's out there riding my reward!" "Come on, guys." "People are looking." "What?" "You're embarrassed?" "We're embarrassing you, are we?" "No, it's just..." "We are the ones who should be embarrassed for coming here and for taking part in this sham." "Sham?" "Traumatic childhood?" "!" "What the fuck was traumatic about your childhood?" "!" "Didn't you live in a mansion?" "Didn't you have people knitting you legwarmers?" "One legwarmer." "Jesus Christ!" "I ran out of fucking wool!" "Bronagh, just calm down." "You calm down!" "I am calm." "I'm Caoimhe and I'm calm, even though" "I suffered terrible hardships like having my very own horse." "It was so stressful feeding it fucking sugar lumps!" "Seriously, Bronagh, I think you need to stop talking now." "Well, do you know what I think, Caoimhe?" "I think you should stick your horse right up your skinny hole!" "Are you trying to be deliberately offensive, Bronagh?" "Yeah, clearly." "Trixy was shot dead!" "Trixy?" "!" "The horse." "All right." "Shot dead, was it?" "Yeah." "In front of my very eyes by my own father!" "I see." "Did not know that." "He didn't mean to..." "He thought it was intruders but... ..in the darkness and in the confusion, he fired." "By the time he realised, it was too late." "Trixy was lying there on the kitchen floor." "Your horse was in the kitchen?" "He looked as though he was sleeping." "How does a horse get into a kitchen?" "I still can't look my father in the eye." "Did your house just have like massive doors?" "I thought that this exhibition might put it to rest, but... ..it hasn't." "It won't." "Now, now." "It's OK." "You're OK." "Oh, really?" "Trixy!" "You've got a firm grip on you there." "That's starting to hurt." "I loved her!" "Yeah, I know, but we really need to catch the last Tube, so..." "Fuck me!" "No!" "Come on, Niamh." "Come on, Conor." "What about the...?" "Leave the cheese, mate." "It's enough cheese for one night." "And you didn't think to tell me that her dad shot her horse?" "I didn't think it was a big deal." "People's pets die all the time." "Yeah, that's true." "I had a hamster once." "Libby." "How many times?" "I didn't kill your hamster, Conor!" "Well, you certainly didn't make her feel very welcome." "So Maria left, did she?" "Yeah, yeah." "I really thought she was the one." "Conor, she couldn't speak English and she thought you were" "Captain Jack Sparrow." "Aye, it wasn't meant to be, mate." "I can see where she got it from." "You do look a bit like Johnny Depp, Conor." "Aye, after a stroke, maybe." "People always say I've got a touch of the Angelina Jolie about me." "About your where exactly?" "I don't look like anybody." "That's not true." "You're the spit of your Tommy." "OK, I don't look like anybody who isn't my brother." "Do you know who you've always reminded me of, Bronagh?" "Who?" "Rainbow Brite." "That is freaky." "I'll take that." "She's not a bad looking doll."