"(Door opens and closes )" "Oh, hello." " Hello." "Can I help you?" "Isn't there somewhere a little more private?" "Yes, of course." "You'd better come through." "Thank you." "Ahem." "May I..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Yes, of course." "Thank you." "Well, then." "I think I'm pregnant." "Pardon?" " He's that mad." "Really?" " We haven't got much money." "Well, not many people have these days." "Can you examine me straightaway?" "Hello." " Hello." "Is anything wrong, James?" " She thinks she's pregnant." "Good grief." "Honestly, the way he's gone on at me!" "He?" " Eric." "My husband, Eric Tilson." "Anyone would think he'd had nothing to do with it." "My dear, please don't distress yourself." "These things happen." "They always have." "They're never the end of the world." "Are you going to examine me or aren't you?" "Oh, I see." "You want us to examine you to confirm whether you're pregnant." "Right." "You just come with me, young lady." "Come along." "What a very pretty hat that is." "Thank you." " There we are." "Siegfried, we..." "It's not ethical." "What's going on?" " She thinks she's pregnant." "Siegfried's examining her!" " What?" "(Both laugh)" "Will you be all right?" " Oh, thank you very much!" "James!" "Your face!" "What I wouldn't have given to be a fly on the wall when she broke the news to you!" "What have you done with her?" "who set up shop next door." "Oh, I see!" "And she thought that..." "What did she do when you put her right?" "She giggled." "She blushed very prettily." "And fled." "You don't know Harry Allinson." "No." " You'll like him." "From north of the border but despite that..." "Don't play golf with him." "He's very good." "Naturally, if he's a Scot." "Do you play golf, Richard?" " Erm... yes." "What's your handicap?" " Scratch." "Oh, really?" " Do you play?" "Oh, yes, the odd game, I do." " (Phone )" "I'll get it." "Perhaps we could have a game sometime." "Yes, why not?" "Sometime." "(James ) What's your handicap, Siegfried?" "Mind your own business, James." "It's for you, James." " Oh, thanks." "Hello." "Yes?" "Hello, Tris!" "Where are you ringing from?" "Yes, of course." "About five minutes." "All right." "Bye." "How did he sound?" "Complacent or hysterical?" "His usual self." "Thank you." "Significant, I suppose." " What?" "The fact that he asked for you and not for me." "Are you missing Berkshire?" "Lord, no." "I love the Dales." "They're magnificent." "Isn't there a girlfriend you're anxious to get back to?" "Her name's Virginia." "She's mad about horses." "Sometimes I think she prefers them to me." "(James ) How's Edinburgh?" "(Tristan ) Cold and grey." "That sounds like them now." "Full of Scotsmen." "Otherwise quite civilised." "Aren't you going to tell me how you did in your finals?" "All right." " How did you do?" "All right." " Welcome home, Mr Tristan." "Ah, Mrs Hall." "Well, how are things here?" "All right." "Siegfried's got a young student in." "Richard Carmody." " Sounds like a musical turn." "Hardly." " What's he like?" "Oh, you'll love him." "Off you trot, Mrs Hall." "Mrs Herriot." " Tristan, welcome home." "Richard Carmody, I presume?" "Tristan Farnon?" " Right." "I've heard a lot about you." " Oh, dear." "Really?" "Cup of tea?" " I could murder a mug." "Right." "So you'll have your finals at the end of the year?" "That's right." " There's nothing to it." "Nothing to worry about." " No?" "It's about getting the head down and grafting." "There's no substitute for hard work." "You won't have your results yet." "Well, no, but you do develop a feel for how you've gone on." "Don't you find that?" " I'm afraid I don't." "Really?" "Well, if there's anything you need any help with, don't be afraid to ask." " Very kind of you." "Interesting book, Richard?" " Yes, a fascinating chapter on contagious bovine pleuropneumonia." "Really?" " Pleuropneumonia?" "Let me see." "Yes." "Last recorded case in Britain, 1888, right?" "1898, actually." "Came over from Ireland." " Via Ireland, really." "Via Ireland?" " From Holland, of course." "Well, naturally." " Well, I'll see you both later." "Thank you." " Pleasure." "Good grief." "Is he real?" "Ah." "You should get him onto the oxidisation of fatty acids." "Or what he thinks of people's views of liver intoxication." "And that's another thing." " There's more?" "He doesn't drink much." "Does he smoke?" " Good Lord, no." "Women?" " She rides with the hounds." "Good grief." "Well, well." "The prodigal returns." "Hello, Siegfried." " Have a good trip?" "Fine, thanks." "(Sighs )" "Well, how were the exams?" "How did they go?" "All right." "All right?" " Well, you know." "I don't know." "If I did, I wouldn't be asking you." "We are blessed with the richest language in the world." "Every delicate nuance of human experience is capable of exact description." "Your best is "all right"?" "I want to know how you found your exams." "Difficult?" "Easy?" "Extending?" "Demanding?" "Terrifying?" "What?" "A bit stiff here and there." " (Phone )" "Stiff?" " Stiff-ish, you know." "A couple of sticky patches, I suppose." "Sticky patches?" " Sticky-ish, you know." "In patches." " (Knocking)" "(Siegfried) Come in!" " Telephone call, Tristan." "A Miss McTavish." " Oh, excuse me." "Sticky-ish!" "I haven't a doubt that he passed." "No, of course not." "Couldn't fail after my training." "Quite!" " I've hammered theory into him, exposed him to every sort and condition of practice." "It's the manner of his passing which gets me down." "Oh, yes?" " Exams to him are like trains." "Things to be only just got." "I'm sure he'll have done all right... quite well, Siegfried." "He did seem pretty confident about it." "But then he always does." " Yes, there's always that." "Have you never wondered why someone of my serene temperament always seems to go on at him?" "I thought it was because you were fond of him." "Balderdash." "It's just his insufferable, totally unjustified, confounded confidence." "His conviction that things will always turn out well for him." "You know the most maddening part?" "They always seem to." "(Tristan laughs )" "Miss McTavish?" "Who the hell's Miss McTavish?" "What?" "What?" "Oh, you naughty girl." "Shameless!" "Thanks for phoning." "It's nice to hear from you." "If you could pop them in the post." "Bye!" "Miss McTavish?" " My landlady in Edinburgh." "I left a pair of, er... socks." "She wanted to know where to send them." "Och, it's nice to see you back again, dear." "It's nice to be back, Betty." " There you are." "Here we are, then." " Thank you." "Cheers." " Cheers." "Hm." "Mm, I needed that." "All right, let's have it." " What?" "How you really went on in your finals." "Between the two of us?" " Of course." "It was a nightmare, James, the whole experience, particularly the oral." "The hiccups did it." " The hiccups?" "Must have been the pie and pints I had at lunch time." "The minute the oral started I started hiccupping." "What did you do?" " First I held my breath." "It isn't easy when you're trying to answer questions." "Then I had a glass of water." "That didn't work." "Then someone dropped a key down my back." "Did it help?" " Yes, actually." "Oh." " But something worse happened." "They dropped the key down my back and it never reappeared." "It was the examiner's car key!" "What did you do?" "I wriggled about but there was no sign of it." "He suggested I strip off and I said, "Not likely."" "After that things got uglier." "Didn't you ever find it?" " No." "I saw him later." "Oh?" " In a bus queue!" "(Both laughing)" "(Dogs barking)" "(James and Tristan laughing)" "Still up, then, Siegfried?" "I thought you would have joined us." "Well, er... something came up." "Oh?" " A telephone call." "Oh." " Erm..." "Would you like a drink?" "Perhaps a nightcap." "(Siegfried humming)" "The er... phone call, Siegfried?" "Oh, yes." "It came from Edinburgh." "For me?" "Well, I don't know anybody in Edinburgh." "There you are." " Cheers." "Good health, James, my boy." " Thank you, Siegfried." "Cheers." "The phone call." "A girl, was it?" "Do you know any girls in Edinburgh?" "Well, one or two." " Anyone in particular?" "There is one, I suppose." " Name?" "Mary?" " Second name?" "McDonald." " Mary McDonald." "She's a nice girl, Siegfried." " Nurse, is she?" "Yes, actually." "Well, it wasn't Mary McDonald." "It was a Mr McDonald." "Her father, he said he was." "Oh?" " You know him, do you?" "Well, vaguely." " Big chap, is he?" "Well... biggish." "What did he want?" "A chat about his daughter." "What did you tell him?" " I told him you were out." "But that you'd be back." "He's ringing back, is he?" "He's catching the first train south in the morning." "Good Lord, what did you tell him?" "That you'd meet him at the station." "Oh, crumbs!" "Now sweat, you devil." "I don't believe a word of it." "Don't you?" "Gullible little fellow, my baby brother." "Hello, Mr McDonald?" "Erm..." "It's fantastic, Frank." "Incredible." "Not bad, eh?" "And all done with me own lily-white hands." "That old cow house you were stuck with!" "Getting me down a bit, were that." "And the beasts." "You wouldn't think they were the same animals." "Cosy now, you see." "Mm-hm." "This is how milk should be produced, Frank." "Some of the dumps I visit would make your hair stand on end." "Same." "It'll be all over, this, one day." "Farmers will find it pays them." "I've got me TT licence now." "The extra fourpence on a gallon makes a difference." "You've done a grand job, Frank." "It beats working in that bloody steelworks, any road." "Look at that, eh?" "And that air!" "I love this place, James." "Nobody would ever know you weren't born a Dalesman." "Or a farmer." "Me great grandfather were a farmer." "He come from round here." "You know what they say." "You get it through the titty." "He sees more of them cows than he sees of me." "I sometimes wonder how we come to be having a family." "He's worked hard." "You both have." "Well, he's the one." "I'd have given up many a time." "Not him." "He can make bricks without straw, can my Frank." "He's fought them fellas single-handed for this scrap of land." "I got her about a fortnight since." "She's never come onto her milk properly." "103." "She smells a bit too, doesn't she?" "Aye, I noticed that meself." "She must have had some sort of discharge." "She has." "I didn't pay much attention." "A lot of them do that after calving." "Look, Frank, I'm going to take a blood sample." "Why is that?" " Well..." "I don't like the look of that yellow stuff." "She may have calved before her time or calved normally and got infected." "Keep her isolated, all right?" " Right." "(General chatter)" "brucellosis, do you think?" "The discharge was full of decaying cotyledons." "I'll get the samples to the lab." "Yep." "All you can do, James." "Hello, Willie." "And then, erm..." "hope for the best." "Something we do a lot of in this business." "Hope for the best." "Don't let it get you down." "I'm sure Frank Metcalfe isn't." "Come and meet our new neighbour, Harry Allinson." "James Herriot, Harry Allinson, GP, well-known local quack." "Not all that well-known yet, Siegfried, but give me time." "Very pleased to meet you." " Hello." "You nearly poached a customer." " Right." "Next time we have a sick sow we'll pop her over to you." "What a shocking thought." "Pints, is it?" " Yes, please." "I'll just have a word with Allen." "A couple of pints when you're ready, my dear." "Now, then, Herriot, me old love." "Who's tha' been killing today then, eh?" "(Laughs )" "Married now, are you, then?" " That's right." "Soon to be hearing the patter of little feet, are we?" "You never know." " You'll know all right, lad, when they keep you up all night." "Being up all night won't be unusual for me, Mr Newhouse." "Mr Newhouse?" "Who the hell is he?" "Gobber to you, lad." "I've told you that before." "Friend of yours, James?" " I wouldn't say that." "Thank you." " Siegfried." "Thank you." " Cheers." "His wife called in at my surgery today." "Oh, yes?" "She's about seven stone, wet through and bad with her nerves." "Had a black eye out to here." " Gobber?" "His idea of the end to a perfect evening is coming home stinking and giving his wife a good hiding." "I'd liked to have met him sometime... around the blind side of a scrum." "It's all right, love." "Got something interesting on the slide?" "Yes." "Ascaris lumbricoides." " Pardon?" "Roundworms." " Thank you, I did know." "Of course you did." "Fascinating, you know." " Oh?" "Controlled experiments show that ascarid-infested pigs treated the same as ascarid-free pigs the same size grew to less than half the weight." "Really?" " Yes." "Would you like to have a look?" "No." "It is an area I've covered extensively." "(Richard) Yes, of course." "Impressive, isn't he?" " Very." "Good experience for you." " Oh?" "Direct contact with a scientific mind, superior intellect." "Theory is not everything." " I agree with you entirely." "Nobody's more acutely aware of that than Richard." "Oh?" " When he's out on a job one practically has to elbow him out of one's way, he's so keen." "Well, there we are." "That's it and all about it, pussy cat." "Yes, it'll be..." "a very fortunate... practice that persuades young Richard to join its team." "Come on then, dogs." " (Dogs barking)" "There you are, Marigold." "I'm sure she'll be much better now." "Bye-bye." " Bye." "Did you hear Siegfried just now, James?" "Do you think he was hinting?" " Hinting?" "About Carmody." "He's not thinking of taking him on permanently?" "The practice would bear three practitioners." "Three, yes, but not four." "Oh, I see!" "Lord, I hadn't thought of that." "Well, he certainly hasn't mentioned anything to me." "Still, he does tend to move in mysterious ways." "Hmm." "It'd be just like him." "Course, the whole idea's ludicrous." "Preposterous." "Well, he is pretty brilliant." "Formidable, in fact." "Yes, but hardly Darrowby." "Take those wretched galoshes." "And that superior manner." " It's not intentional." "I've always distrusted men who drink halves." "He makes me feel guilty when I order a pint." "Helen likes him." " What would Helen know?" "Look who she married." "Besides, she likes everybody." "He needs taking down a peg or two." "Are you capable of it?" " I shall think of something." "A letter for you, James." " Oh, thanks." "Is it the one you were waiting for from the lab?" "Yes." "The agglutination tests on Frank Metcalfe's cows." "Positive." "Oh, Lord." " I'd better get out there." "Can I come with you?" " Yes, if you like." "Shall I bring the vaccine?" " For all the good it'll do." "Thank you." "How long have you had the cow?" " About three weeks." "She's been with the others?" " Yes." "And they're all in calf?" " Every single one of them." "Why?" "Well, there's no easy way to break this, Frank." "That cow has brucellosis." "Abortion?" " Yes." "Does that mean we're going to lose her?" "I'm afraid it's a bit more serious than that." "That beast will have contaminated the pasture." "Any or all of the others will have the bug, too." "Does that mean they'll abort?" " It varies from case to case." "Some cows carry their calves despite the infection." "Yeah, but most don't, right?" "Right." "Surely there's something you can give them." "(Richard) I'm afraid not, Mrs Metcalfe." "There are two types of vaccine." "Live ones are given to empty cows and dead ones are given to cows in calf." "Well, then?" "I'm afraid the dead vaccine isn't of any use." "Will it do any harm?" " No, of course not." "Then let's give it to them any road." "We can't just do nothing." " All right." "(James ) Come on." "You should take more notes." "It would help." "Notes?" " When you're working." "Carmody never stops taking notes." "Perhaps he isn't blessed with my retentive memory." "Ah." "Well?" "Well, we gave the entire herd the vaccine." "For what it was worth." "At least we cheered up Frank a bit." "(Siegfried) If it did that it's something." "Has Helen gone up?" " Yes, a few moments ago." "I'll see you all tomorrow." " (All) Good night, James." "He really takes it to heart." "Gets involved." "Is there another way?" "In a country practice?" " I suppose not." "I'd better be getting back to the Reniston." "No, no, no." "Stay and have a glass of sherry." "Oh, all right." "Thank you." "Don't you, er..." "ever get lonely up there all by yourself at the Reniston?" "It gives me lots of time to read." "Uh-huh." "Don't you want to do anything else except read?" "Well done!" "Cheers." " Here, here." "James must have thought I was a real fool." "Oh, really?" " The day I got here" "I told him I'd had practical experience in Berkshire." "He said that Berkshire was hardly the Yorkshire Dales." "I said I thought one farm was like another." "How fatuous of me." "( # Big band on radio )" "Don't take it to heart, James." "Sorry." "He's a good friend." " I know that." "I had a look round the shops in town today." "Did you buy a chair?" "Erm... not exactly." " Oh?" "Don't you like it?" "Well, it's lovely." "But not quite a thing you can sit on, right?" "Last week you went out looking for a dressing table and came back with brass candlesticks and a stuffed owl." "He fixed me with his glittering eye, I couldn't resist him." "James!" " I'm going to Leeds tomorrow." "I'll have a look around there." "Have you got any money left?" " I'm not completely penniless." "Well, what we could really do with is a barometer for the wall and a glove-stretcher or two." "You're mocking me!" "Just a bit." "By the way, did you know that Richard knows Richard Carmody?" "Richard?" " Richard Edmundson?" "Oh, Edmundson's still around, is he?" "When we got married I thought he'd have shot himself." "Or at the very least joined the foreign legion." "The families are friends." "It's why Richard Carmody came here." "Didn't you know?" " No." "I'm not a bit surprised." "Blue blood is thicker than water, you know." "So, stinking rich as well as being handsome and talented." "Is there no end to this man?" " Jealous!" "Actually... why couldn't you have been rich?" "I could have married you for your money." "You'd only have frittered it away on brass candlesticks and stuffed owls." " And glove-stretchers." "It's just as well, I suppose." "If you had been rich you'd have had to marry Edmundson just to keep it in the family." "Poor old Edmundson." "I wonder who he's sleeping with tonight?" "That horse of his, probably." "Where did you find the dead calf?" "In the channel when I went in to milk." "That foetus was just seven months gone." "So now what?" " Just what you're doing." "Isolate, disinfect and hope." "How do?" " Oh, hello, Eli." "You know Eli Bagley?" "Me neighbour." "We have met, yes." "Once or twice." "Herriot." " Mr Bagley." "Have you, er... have you told him then, Frank?" "Eli thinks he has a cure for the trouble, James." "There's no "think" about it." " Oh?" "Professor Driscoll's abortion cure." "Most of my cows did it on me once." "After I put 'em on this here stuff, they were right as rain second time round." "But then they would be anyway, Mr Bagley." "They develop an immunity." " Right as rain, they were." "All right, Frank." "You give them the stuff if you want." "It certainly won't do them any harm." "I'll call again later in the week." "Right, James." "(Eli) They don't know everything, don't veterinaries." "Encyclopaedia Britannica?" "Only ten bob the lot." "A real bargain." "Just what we needed." "I've done it again, haven't I?" "We'll have to see about getting some shelves made for them." "For now we'll put them on the mantelpiece..." "Right." " .." "Out of the way." "James." " Hm?" "Can you smell something funny?" "Yes, I noticed that." "I think it's the books, Helen." "They're probably a bit musty." "I expect it'll soon go." "Yes." " Thank you." "Perhaps if we, er... open the door." "(Knocking)" " Come in." "Ah, James." "Thought I heard you." "Hello, Helen." "How was the trip to Leeds?" "It was fine." " Did you get to the lab?" "They'll let us know after they've cultured the organisms." "Ah, good." " Mm-hmm." "There is the most frightful smell in here." "Have you got a body under the boards?" "It's the books." "I got them from Leeds." "Encyclopaedia Britannica." "In 24 volumes." "A real bargain." " Yes, I imagine." "Well, I expect they're a bit damp." "Yes." " Would you like to, erm..." "Thank you, James." "Perhaps when they've dried out a bit." "I must be off now." "Mother's waiting." "James, if you get a chance, could you ring Frank Metcalfe?" "Yes." " Oh, I say... you have made it most awfully nice in here." "Would you leave the door open, please?" "Yes." " Thanks." "Well, there's always the cellar, I suppose." "Oh, James!" "I'm sorry!" "I do love you." "Ouch!" " My word, that is nasty." "Hold still." "Ahh." "How on earth did that happen?" "Bloody great six-inch nail went through the sole of me boot." "Lucky James turning up, wasn't it?" "Argh!" "God!" "Oh!" "He took his time in getting me here, didn't he, eh?" "Good job it weren't no worse." "I'd have bled to death." "Well, the doctor won't be long now." "Nothing to worry about, provided it's treated early enough." "Worry about?" " There may be with that wound." "Oh, septic, does tha' mean?" "No, no, no, no." "Er..." "lockjaw." "Lockjaw?" "Yes." "I saw a man once who died of lockjaw." "They couldn't make him look presentable." "They broke the jaw then they couldn't stop him grinning, like he was enjoying the joke." "Why the hell should I get lockjaw?" "It's me foot I've hurt." "Ah, yes, but that's usually how the infection sets in." "With large, deep penetrations of the ball of the foot like that." "And all this happened up at Smethers' farm, you say?" "Smethers', aye." " Yes." "Why?" "Where there are horses about there's more chance of getting it." "There have always been horses at Smethers'." "Bloody hell." " Dr Allinson's here." "Oh, good." "Show him in." " Hello." "Siegfried." "Well, well, Mr Newhouse." "What have you been doing to yourself?" "It's a bloody misery, is this." " Oh, dear, dear." "Mm-hmm." "Aye." "Rusty, was it?" "The nail?" "Bound to have been, weren't it?" "Iodine." "I'm afraid this is going to sting a bit, Mr Newhouse." "(Shouts )" "Sting a bit did that, did it?" "Never mind." "(Whistles )" "You're not sticking that in me foot, are you?" "In your foot?" "Good Lord, no." "We'd better leave you to it then, Harry." "No, no." "Don't let us chase you out." "This will only take a minute." "I'm sure you've seen uglier sights than Mr Newhouse in your time." "Well..." " How's your wife, Mr Newhouse?" "She's right." " How's that eye of hers?" "Has the swelling gone down?" " Better." "Bad luck was that, her walking into that door like that." "Aye, wasn't it just?" "Right, Mr Newhouse." "Drop them." "Pardon?" "Your trousers, man." "Come along." "I haven't got all day." "Right, bend over." "I had quite a long chat with your wife the other day." "She tells me you have no feelings." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "You bloody well felt that, didn't you?" "(Phone )" "Phone, James." " Hm." "(Ringing continues )" "Hello." "Yes?" "Yes, in fact, you did." "I didn't get to bed till 3:00." "That's all right." "What is it?" "Oh, that's marvellous news, Frank!" "How's the calf?" "Good!" "I'll probably come out and see you later on today." "Mm-hm." "Fine." "Bye!" "Do you have to go out?" " No." "Who was that on the phone?" " Frank Metcalfe." "One of his cows calved bang on time." "Is there something wrong with it?" "No." " He phoned to tell you that?" "He was excited." "Does that mean that stuff of whatshisname works?" "Oh, no." "But you try telling whatshisname that." "You'll never get to sleep again." "Yes, I will." " No, you won't." "Not now you've woken up." "(Phone )" " Oh, blast the thing!" "Why doesn't Tristan answer it?" " Why don't you ask him?" "Hello." "Yes?" "Hello, Mr Bagley." "Yes, Frank did let me know." "Yes, thank you." "Goodbye, Mr Bagley." "Mr Bagley." "Well, this time we..." "Helen?" "Helen!" "There you are, James." "That should keep you busy today." "Thanks." " Had a bad night?" "I awakened early." "Not the man he was since he got married." "Come on." "Let's get on with it." "Thank you, Richard." "Can I ask you something?" " Yes, of course." "I won't learn very much watching you do things all the time." "Do you think I could carry out a few injections and things?" "Get some actual experience." "Let's see how it goes, eh?" " Right." "Would you get the car?" "All right." " Thanks." "Do you know what I think?" " What do you think?" "I think Carmody's right." "You should let him do more." "You do, do you?" " You're seeing those piglets." "That's right." " They'll need an injection." "Undoubtedly." "Had much experience of pigs, has he?" "Down on the royal estates in Berkshire?" "I shouldn't think so." " No, neither should I." "You're evil." " Hm." "Ready?" " I'll just get my coat on." "Have a good day." " Thank you." "(Tristan chuckling)" "(James ) Twelve weeks old did you say, Mr Dent?" "Right." "Well, an injection of E.coli antiserum shouldn't do any harm." "Care to do the honours?" " Right!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Shh, shh, shh!" "Shh, shh..." "Hey!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "We'll leave him to it, then, shall we?" "You can cope, can you, Richard?" "Don't worry." "(Sighing)" "(Frantic squealing)" "Student, is he?" " Right." "And a southerner?" " Right again." "Yah!" "You'll see my sow while you're here, will you?" "Your sow?" " Mr Farnon said to mention it." "I'm exporting her, see." "She'll need her blood testing." "Oh, I see." "That'll be the big sow, will it?" "The one whose ear we treated?" " That's the lady." "She'd have your leg off as soon as look at you." "Mr Farnon suggested you mention it to me, did he?" "Aye, last time he came up." "He were in a bit of a hurry." "Yes." "Take that, you little swine!" "God, I enjoyed that." "Finished?" " Just about." "Oh, good." " That's it, then, is it?" "Not quite, Richard, no." "Just one more little job." "(Dent) I'll tell thee summat about t'pig." "Oh, yes?" " If you gets hold of her remember to force its jaw shut before it can force it open." "I'll keep that in mind." " Now, then, Richard, when Mr Dent gets the noose over the snout you get the tourniquet around her ear and get a couple of CCs of blood." "Perfectly straightforward." " Right." "(Dent) Ready then, lad?" " Whenever you are." "It's all yours." "(Pig snorting)" "(Wild squealing)" "(Richard) Ouch!" "Right you are, then." "Bye-bye." "Piglets, was it?" " Their mother, actually." "How many times did she knock him down?" "Three times." " And each time he came back." "He was magnificent, Siegfried." "Indomitable." "Made me proud to be British." "Where is he now?" " Still up in the bathroom." "There's no point judging him by ordinary human standards." "There are the seeds of greatness there." "Aha!" "Are you better?" " Yes, thanks." "A few bruises here and there." "Are you doing anything special tonight?" "Not really." "We hoped you'd stay to supper and have a drink in the pub." "I should like that very much." " Good." "Our takings have gone down since you've been away, Mr Tristan." "Really?" " Yes, they have!" "Soon rectify that." " Good." "Thanks a lot, Betty." " Thank you." "Hello, Gobber, me old love." " How do?" "How's the foot, then?" " Fine." "And the, er..." " Fine." "Oh, good." "Yes, well, they tend to be." " Here we are, then." "Well done." " Cheers." "You're off on Monday?" " That's right." "We'll miss you." " Indeed we shall." "Any time you want a piglet injecting or a sample from a sow." "Sorry about that." "I appreciated the experience." "After all, I asked for it." "(All) Cheers." "How many of them?" "I'll be out as quick as I can." "Mm." "Bye." "Was that Frank Metcalfe?" "Three cows all aborted, bang, bang, bang, just like that." "Would you like me to come out with you, James?" "No, it's all right." "What's all this in aid of?" "It's a remedy of me own, is this." "Me medicine seems to be losing its power, so I'll have to try summat stronger." "Like what?" "Burying a dead calf in front of t'door." "My God." "Black magic now, Frank?" "Why not?" "Science hasn't been able to do owt for me." "There's nowt more you can do, then?" "I'm afraid not, Frank." "They'll all be going t'same road, I reckon." "(Frank) Another of Eli's remedies." "The smell of a goat about the place helps, he reckons." "What does he do next?" "Slit its throat at midnight?" "The trouble is I was called in on this case far too late." "Veterinaries." "Do you know what I hate?" " What?" "The way the quacks descend to take advantage of the situation." "We can't help because our pharmaceuticals are inadequate." "Eli Bagley sounds rather pathetically inadequate himself." "Not the witchdoctors." "The professional quacks." "Take this paper here." "Full of confident advertisements." "Red drenches, black draughts, pink powders, all of them guaranteeing success and all of them useless." "Professor Driscoll has competition." "Mr Herriot, there's a Mr Frank Metcalfe to see you." "Show him in, please." " Come this way, sir." "Thank you." " Frank." "Hello, James." "Helen." "Would you like a drink?" " No, thanks." "Not for me." "I'm not stopping." "I just thought I'd call to let you know I'm packing up." "Oh, Frank, no!" " Packing up?" "Aye." "Hobson's choice, I'm afraid." "It can't be as bad as that." " I'm afraid it is." "Only three cows have calved normally out of the herd." "The rest are a mucky, sickly lot now, with no milk worth talking about." "I've no calves either to sell or use as replacements, so..." "If I sell up, I'll have enough to pay the bank what I owe." "There must be somebody..." " No, I'm afraid there isn't." "I borrowed the rest off me old man." "I won't go back for more." "I always promised him I'd go back to the steelworks if things didn't work out." "Well, they haven't, have they?" "So." " I don't know what to say." "What is there to say, James?" "Some you win." "Anyway, we'll be seeing you both before we go." "Yes, of course." "Bring Mary for some tea." " Right." "Well, good night, then." "I can find me own way out, James."