"Someone once said that two halves make a whole." "When two halves move in together, it makes a whole lot of stuff." "Where you been and what you been doing?" "I got coffee and the papers, but the more pressing question is:" "what have you been doing?" " I made myself an area." " I can see that." "I needed a space for work papers and stuff." "Is that OK?" "Sure." "It's just that you're blocking the bathroom door." "Who needs two bathroom doors?" "I do." "Me, the one who loves her two bathroom doors." " Why do you need two doors?" " If I'm in a hurry, it's quicker to use that one." " It's my escape route, in case." " In case what?" "In case rapists come in my window." "Boing..." "I'm gone." "There's a lot of "boinging" going on in that bathroom." "It's just going to be like this till we take over the apartment next door." "Would that be happening in the next five minutes?" "Closing at the end of next week." "Hello, Petie." "What's the problem?" "It's just boxes, right?" "A plant!" "The man brought a living thing into my apartment." "I kill everything I bring in there." " You said yes and he moved in." " He's taking over whole areas." "That's why I've never lived with a man." " They're out an hour after I climax." " You let them stay an hour?" "You'd be surprised how many can go again after a quick nap." "As soon as I walk in the door, he's in my face with," ""Who did you see, where did you go, what do you know?"" "I need time to decompress, just be alone." "There have to be some adjustments." "Relationships are hard." "I miss walking into my apartment with no one there and it's all quiet." "I can do that stuff you do when you're totally alone, things you would never want your boyfriend to see you do." " Like masturbate?" " My SSB:" "my secret, single behaviour." "I like to make a stack of saltines and put grape jelly on them." "I eat them standing up in the kitchen while reading fashion magazines." " Why standing up?" " It's weird, but it feels great." "I like to put Vaseline on my hands and put on conditioning gloves while watching infomercials." "Before I was married, I used to study my pores in a mirror for an hour each night." "I'm afraid Trey will think it's weird." "He would." "You can't do that stuff in front of men." "What about you?" "Anything you wouldn't want a man to see?" "No." "I believe her." "Don't we have a rule about those things?" "It's my boss." "I have to take it." "Samantha Jones." "Richard, it's Sunday." "Fine, I'll see you in an hour." "He wants me to drop something off this afternoon." "Nice!" "A little "skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight"?" " No, it's just work." " Hardly." " You're sleeping with him." " You told them?" "I like to gossip on the phone while pumicing my calluses." "How is he?" "Spare no detail, I'm a horny, pregnant person." "I don't want to talk about it." "Samantha likes a guy!" " Samantha likes a guy!" " I do not." "You do or you would tell us all the dirty details." "We're going to have to ice skate home." "Hell just froze over." "You want details?" "OK." "He's got the most perfect dick I've ever seen." "Long, pink, amazing." "It's "dickalicious"." "What should I do about Aidan's stuff?" " The girls are coming over for dinner." " That sounds like fun." "What night?" "Just the girls." "I have so much more free time now we're not on the baby track." "Some apartments are cluttered with physical stuff." "Others, emotional stuff." "It's a big readjustment." "I've wanted a baby since I was a girl." "We have a baby room and no baby." "I've got some good news." "Bram Pomander thinks he's snagged us orchestra seats to "The Producers" next week." "Charlotte, yes, we're disappointed, but life goes on." "We still have to find a way to have a giggle." "Come on, give me a smile." "Investors in Munich." "How do you say "fuck you" in German?" "Impressive." "Why do you speak German?" "A gal has her reasons." "That wasn't "fuck you", it was "fuck me"." "That's a negotiation ploy I haven't tried before." " Where's the magazine layout?" " Signed, sealed, delivered." "One more thing." "It was perfect:" "long, pink, amazing." "I thought about you all weekend." "Maybe I can give you something to think about all evening." "Bring out that gorgeous dick." "You're getting down on your knees here?" "What if my assistant sees you?" "I dropped my portfolio." "It may take some time to pick up." "Better get those while you're down there." "If I'd known you were going to be so not a loser," " I would have changed after work." " Or put on some fresh deodorant." "Careful." "I was a much younger man when we first set up this blind date." "You're the one who kept cancelling to go..." "Where?" "First time, Spain and Rome." "Second time, Luxembourg and Athens." "Walker Lewis, fluent in five languages, was a State Department interpreter." "Seriously, Miranda." "Best blind date I've ever had in the continental USA." "What?" "Listen, any reason I can't see you again before I go to Brussels?" "He is so cute and funny and sexy." "I want to have sex with him, but I don't know." "Can you fuck a guy when you're carrying another's baby?" "If one more person asks me that today..." "I'm not in a relationship with the father of the baby." "I've rarely heard that used as a plus, but go on." "Is it tacky?" "And beyond tacky, is it safe?" " Let's assume he's a great fuck." " As so many men are." "Could all that poking shake the baby loose?" "That's silly!" "Married couples have sex all the time." " But what if he's huge?" " As so many men are." " Could the dick dent the baby?" " What do you think dimples come from?" " That is so cute." " I try." "I really need to have sex with him now." "Next time he's back, I'll be too big and he won't want to." "Nothing puts a man off sex like pregnancy." "This is my last chance." " Last chance for sex." " You're not on death row." "Yes, I am." "Dead woman fucking." "It's your body, your life." "You do what's best for you." "Easier said than done." "You can't even ask Aidan not to talk when you walk in the door." "Hi, Mrs Cohen." "Hold on a second." "Let me help you." "Here we go." "That's a crazy outfit." " This is my friend, Miranda." " Hello, Mrs Cohen." "You tell your boy I'm not leaving for 30 days." "What?" "But we're closing in a week." "Read the contract!" "I didn't think Mrs Cohen could move any slower, but apparently she could." "What's up?" "Where you been?" "What do you know?" "Brace yourself, partner." "I've been outside." "What's up is old lightning rod next door informs me she will not be leaving for 30 days." "I was afraid she was going to do that." "Fuck!" "What the fuck are we going to do now?" "Thank you!" "You hate it, too." "I'm so relieved." "I thought you'd already changed into a pod." "Invasion of the Single Snatchers." "Of course I hate it." "We cannot live like this." "I've got all my boxes in the hall, you can't get in the door." "Did you see me?" " Every single time." " We have to move this stuff out." "We could make some room if we cleaned out your closet." "Careful!" " OK." "Damn!" "My ears?" " Listen to me." "I have laid out clean towels on the floor of the bathroom." "Gently place the shoes and boxes on them." "I forgot I had these." "Things are looking up." "How many pairs of shoes do you need?" "That is not the way to get out of this alive." "I figure I'll need about half this space." " I figure you're mentally ill." " You never wear most of this." "Yet." "I never wear most of this stuff yet." "Some day I will." "Like this?" "When and where were you planning to wear this?" "Don't do that." "Don't mock the clothes." "For the record, have worn it." "December '99." "Union Square, book signing." " We've got to start somewhere." " I love this outfit." "I realised I was holding onto a Roberto Cavalli outfit and throwing away my relationship." " OK, it goes." " Good." "Bye, bye." "Stop it!" "Pete, stop it!" "Oh, my God!" "Don't even show it to me!" "I think I saw turquoise." "That better not be the pair I think." "Goddamit!" " That dog owes me $380." " Fine." "You can't buy it!" "It's circa 1996." "He's a dog." "What's he supposed to do with all your shit lying around?" "My shit wouldn't be lying around if we weren't making room because your shit is lying around." " You've got more shit than me." " Look at this place!" "It's loaded with your shit." "Look at this bathroom." "Look at all your shit in my bathroom." "Who needs five almost empty deodorants?" "Are you a crazy bagman?" " They're different smells." " When have you ever worn musk?" "Look at this stuff." "You've got old razors, Rogaine..." " I didn't know you used Rogaine." " It's preventative." " Is your hair...?" " I don't want to talk about it!" "It seems not only women have secret, single behaviour." "Don't be going through my stuff!" " You were happy to go through mine!" " Your stuff." "Your bathroom." "You always do that." "You never want to let me in." "I don't always do anything and I have let you in." "You're fighting with me about a stupid outfit." "Shut up." "It's Roberto Cavalli." "I threw it away and I love it." " What more do you want?" " Shut up?" "Shut up?" "Yes, shut up." " You're telling me to shut up?" " Please, just shut up." "I am so sick of your talking all the time." "Don't you ever just shut up?" "I'm going to take a walk." "I'm taking a walk." "Stay here with your boxes of shit and your shoe-eating dog and knock yourself out putting on the Rogaine and the speed stick." "This is why I need a second door." "I heard that!" "I used to think people who sat alone at Starbucks writing on laptops were pretentious posers." "Now I know:" "they are people who have recently moved in with someone." "I wondered how many of them were mid-fight like myself." "The hard thing about fighting in relationships is that there's no referee." "There's no one to tell you which comments are below the belt." "As a result, someone usually gets hurt." "The closer a couple gets and the more stuff they have between them, the harder it is to figure out why they're yelling." "When it comes to relationships, I wondered: what are we fighting for?" "Hello, my darling." "I'm home." " Is that a surprise for me?" " Yes, it is." "It's just a little silly something." " What is it?" " Open it." "It's a cardboard baby." "I saw it in the window of a novelty store next to the hospital." "Now we can relax because we have one." "Oh, dear..." "It was supposed to be funny." "I thought we'd have a chuckle." "Don't talk to me." "It was a novelty store." "The clerk said that..." "But to Charlotte, it was hitting below the belt." "If the meat is a quarter of an inch thick..." "Across town, Miranda decided it was time to put on the gloves and come out swinging." "Hi, Walker." "Miranda." "Before you leave for Brussels on Monday, how about getting together Friday night?" "My apartment, call me." "Pregnant or not, Miranda had needs and decided to stop fighting them." "Surprisingly," "Samantha developed some secret, single behaviour of her own." "Seven hours and a landslide of lattes later," "I vibrated home prepared to admit how silly I'd been." "That was, until he wasn't prepared to admit how silly he'd been." "He yelled, then I yelled." "It's been three days and nothing, not a word." "I'll be damned if I say I'm sorry first." "Trey and I hardly ever yell." "WASPS don't yell, it's genetic." " More salad anyone?" " No!" "What's the main course?" "Relax." "Chew." "You'll get laid." "You're not meeting him till 10:00." "Beef with Thai noodles." "Richard is thinking of opening a hotel in Thailand." "Sweetie, it's perfectly OK to like a guy." "For the last time, the only thing I like about Richard is his big, throbbing, rock hard, perfect dick." " I forgot it was ladies' night." " Trey, you shouldn't be here." "Good evening, everyone." "Hello, Missus." "Still mad, I see." " I suppose she told you about the baby." " No, I didn't." "I never want to think about it again." "I was trying to make Charlotte laugh..." " It's not funny." " Maybe they'll think it is." "We were so tense about not being able to have one that I gave Charlotte a cardboard baby." "Isn't that funny?" "You're funny." "A cardboard baby." "That's funny, right?" "It's not funny ha-ha, but silly." "They sell them in novelty stores." "Other people buy them and the clerk said it was funny." " Maybe you have to see it." " Don't bring that in here!" " It's silly." " Not to me, it isn't." "How would you feel if I gave you a cut-out of a flaccid penis?" "It's not so funny now, is it?" "Don't you bring that flat baby in here!" " How dare you talk to me like that?" " They know about your penis problems!" "We were in the middle of a WASP nest." "This is unforgivable." "You're unforgivable for denying me a baby because of your spoiled needs." "I'm spoiled?" "You are spoiled." "Ever since we moved back in..." "Samantha Jones." "Richard, hello." "No, it's not too late to call." " Everything but a baby!" " We're going to go." "Good!" "Don't talk to my friends like that!" "With no baby, they're all I have." "You are the man who gave me a cardboard baby!" " It was funny!" " No, it wasn't!" "Goodnight." "What's so important that it couldn't wait until...?" "This." "Let's get something straight." "I want no part of that." "That turns everything into a big mess." "We are work and sex." "Nothing more." "Now kindly take off those pants and show me your dick." "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." "That's what I'm talking about." "Seeing a bantamweight fight like Charlotte and Trey's made me thankful that Aidan and I were still in the banter-weight division." "I'm sorry, too." "That night, I slept in my clothes." "Trey and his baby slept in the guest room and Charlotte no longer cared what Trey thought." "Fuck me!" "Fuck me like there's no tomorrow." "For her last meal, the condemned woman had seconds and thirds." "Samantha met the dawn after a night of SSB:" "sexy, swimming behaviour." " Dance with me." " What did I say?" "I'm your boss." "It's an order." "Dance." "Samantha finally threw in the towel." "All this time, she'd been trying to make him just a perfect dick, fighting her feelings that he might be the perfect Richard." "Back at the Bradshaw/Shaw residence, it was business as usual." "What's up, where you been, who did you see?" " I need you to do something." " What?" "I've never lived with anybody so I don't know how to say this correctly, but..." "I need you to not talk to me for one whole hour." "I know that sounds selfish, but it's just what I need." "Is that OK?" "Good." "We don't have any other rooms yet, so I'm going to close these." "Then it's like I'm not here." "For one whole hour, I'm not here." "Thanks." "I love you." "What are you doing out here?" "That's the thing about needs:" "sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them any more." "As our 30 days wore on," "Aidan and I miraculously managed to not kill each other." "But, as I predicted, the plant was not so lucky."