"Despite your healthy teen scepticism, Jeremy, problems that seem crushing now can actually serve to shape your life in positive ways later on." "JEREMY [OVER PHONE]:" "You're just saying that." "No." "Well, I'll tell you what." "Perhaps I can convince you with a story." "I recall a young man who suffered from involuntary bed-wetting until he was 12 years old." "Or was it 13?" "Boy, you'd think I'd remember." "I slept in the lower bunk." "The point is, it was very difficult for him, what with, uh, the alarms and the bladder-stretching exercises, and the incessant teasing he suffered once his schoolmates found out." "JEREMY:" "How'd they find out?" "Well, the point I'm trying to make here is that this man today is a prominent and respected psychiatrist." "And, you see, his afflictions served to make him stronger, more empathic, and extremely hygienic." " So hang in there, Jeremy." "JEREMY:" "Okay." " Thanks, Dr. Crane." " Thank you." "And thank you, listeners." "This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good day and good mental health." "That was kind of brave to admit you were a bed-wetter." "Oh, Roz, pay attention." "That was Niles, not me." "Well, you know, I've gotta run." "I'm putting the finishing touches on my speech for the Boston conference." " Did you come up with a title?" " Yes." "Niles will be introducing me on:" ""Notes for a Critical Approach to Radio as Mediating Gateway to the Process of Psychological Demystification."" "Good speech." "What's the title?" "[FRASIER CHUCKLES]" "Well, it promises to be a fun family weekend for all, actually." "Oh." "So, what have you got planned?" "Actually, my sorority sisters are coming in for a visit." "I suppose you'll be sharing the secret handshake, doing skits, that sort of thing." "Yeah, right." "Only problem is, it's just my apartment is just too small for everyone to stay, and..." "Hey, your place will be empty." "[CHUCKLES]" " Say no more, Roz." "No." " Why not?" "I'm sorry, Roz." "It's just the idea of strangers in my apartment." "I couldn't sleep." " Sorry I asked." " No apology necessary." "Ooh." "Oh, Roz, that reminds me, actually." "Since you're gonna be walking Eddie for Dad anyway," "I wrote a list of things you could do for me as well." ""Pick up the mail and newspapers." "Water the ficus." "Fluff your pillows"?" "Yes." "Thank you." "Oh, and please don't forget to mist my bedroom with rose water." "It likes it best at dusk." "FRASIER:" "Oh, I love returning to Boston." "There's just something in the air." "Perhaps the toxic gas spewing from your gigantic mouth." "Oh, please, would you just let it go?" "I didn't mention your name." "No, you just said it was someone with whom you shared a bunk bed who is now a psychiatrist." "I'd say that narrows the field down to, hmm, me." "But only to someone who knows that you're my brother." " And who would that be?" " My patients." " The guys at work." " One of the flight attendants." "Oh, so that's why she looked at me that way when I told her I spilled my drink." "Would you come on?" "I wanna see my bag come down the chute." "FRASIER:" "All right, Dad." "You can forget about my introducing your talk." "Oh, Niles, you can't be serious." "I wouldn't even be here if Daphne didn't wanna see Boston." "Yes, I do." "So you two make up, and let's go and get one of those famous Boston lobsters." "No, it's Maine that's famous for lobsters, sweetheart." "Boston's famous for beans." " Beans?" "NILES:" "Mm-hm." "What kind of a city brags about bloody beans?" "MAN:" "Yeah, that's right." "Yeah, your common pumpkin was once, uh, 600 times the size of the present-day variety, thereby allowing the entire fiefdom to feast the whole winter on the, uh, meat of a single seed." " Cliff Clavin." " Frasier." "FRASIER:" "Ha, ha!" " You old dog." "How you doing?" "FRASIER:" "Good to see you." "Say hello to the family." "This is my brother, Niles." "CLIFF:" "Hey, Niles." " And his fiancée, Daphne Moon." "And this is my dad, Martin Crane." "CLIFF:" "Hey, Marty." " Nice to meet a fellow civil servant." " You're one of the brethren, are you?" " I was a cop for 30 years." "Oh, yeah." "Couldn't pass the mail-carrier's exam, huh?" "You know what," "I can't believe you brought your entire family here for my retirement party." "FRASIER:" "Well, actually, I..." "You know, when I didn't get your RS-s'il-vous-plaît," "I figured you weren't gonna show up, but, uh, ha, ha, you son of a gun, you wanted to surprise me, didn't you?" "[FRASIER LAUGHING]" "Yes." "Surprise!" "You know what, I gotta go meet Ma's plane." "She's bringing in ten gallons of punch." "See you guys tonight, huh?" " Eight o'clock sharp." "FRASIER:" "Right." "At Cheers." "Oh, no, no, no." "Sammy's got it booked for a, uh, Red Sox reunion tonight." "Uh, we're gonna be at the, uh, Somerville Town Crier." "Why did you do that?" "This is our one free night." "I had to pull a lot of strings to get dinner reservations at L'Espalier." "You saw how thrilled he was." "I couldn't say no." "Besides, it'll be a chance to see my old friends." "These people are an important part of my past." "They were there for me when I needed friends most." "How about we move the reservation back half an hour?" "Oh, that should be plenty." "[CHATTERING]" " Ha." "Hello, everybody." "CLIFF:" "Hey, Fras!" "Oh!" "Frasier, Frasier." "Look at you." "I forgot how big your head is." "Carla, you haven't changed a bit." "This is my family." "Hey, everybody, wanna try some, uh, devilled eggs, huh?" "I used Ma's special recipe, uh, water instead of mayonnaise." "Oh, no, thanks." "No, thanks." " Hey, Fras." " Oh, Paul, how you doing?" "CLIFF:" "Paul?" "How'd you find out about this?" "I live here." "I just came down for some ice." " Well, stay out of the way." " Can do." " Evening, everybody." "ALL:" "Norm!" " Hey, so, what's going down now?" " My blood alcohol level." "Suds, do your work." "[CHUCKLING]" " Frasier's here?" " Hey, Norm, how you doing?" "He brought his whole family, Norm." "Yeah, yeah." "Say hi to my brother, Niles, and his fiancée, Daphne Moon, and that's my dad there, Martin Crane." "That's some mug callus you got there." "Judging from your grip, I'd say you're a can man." "Guilty as charged." "Ha, ha." " Have a seat." "MARTIN:" "Oh, thanks." "NORM:" "Listen, uh, Cliffie," "Vera would've been here, so I didn't tell her about it." "Yes, Vera is Norm's much-storied wife." "Oh, that sounds fascinating." " Let me know when we're leaving." "FRASIER:" "Right." "We're never gonna get out of here." "Why don't you and I go?" "Don't be rude." "These are your brother's friends." "Just try and loosen up." "Hey, uh, that's quite a suit you got there, buddy boy." "Uh, what, it cost, uh, over a hundred, I bet, huh?" "Hey, Paul." "Paul." "Here, feel this suit." " I'm next after Paul." "CLIFF:" "Yeah, get in here." " So, Carla, how you been?" " Ah, well, two of my kids are in jail, the bank's about to foreclose on the house, and after tonight, I'm never gonna see Cliff Clavin again." " Things are great." "FRASIER:" "Ha, ha." "Yeah, Carla was never a fan of Cliff's." "Well, not to talk the guy down, but he's a big blowhard who thinks he knows everything and never shuts up." "Imagine." "Hey, Norm, let me buy you a beer." "Beer." "Where have you been all my life?" "[LAUGHING]" "Yeah, well, e-mail did hurt us, but, uh, you know, computers are gonna be dead in about five years anyway." "The post office will rise again, my friend." "We'll rise again." "Feel that." " Frasier?" " Mm?" "Ah." "Oh, uh..." "Say, Cliff, uh, where's your mom?" "Ah, Ma got on the wrong plane." "She went to Bosnia." "Hey, Cliff?" "Tell us more about how you're leaving." "You know, and tell it real slow." "Quiet, everybody." "Well, Carla, tomorrow I'm getting on a plane, going to the promised land, Florida." "[CHUCKLES]" "Time to hang up the old uniform and live in my Speedos." "I didn't think anything could live in your Speedos." "Aren't you a bit young to retire, Cliff?" "I'd be worried I'd become bored." "Ah, now, don't you worry about that, missy." "When I get down there to old Florida, I'm gonna buy myself an airboat." "Yeah, give tours of the Everglades, maybe wrestle a few crocodiles." " That would be alligators." " Eh, common mistake there, sparky." "See, when a crocodile raises its head, its nostrils get pinched shut tight, thereby cutting off its oxygen supply." "Yeah, a baby could wrestle one." "That's fascinating." "Did you know that, Niles?" "I, uh..." "I still don't." "Excuse me, Daphne." "If we're gonna make our reservation, we need to leave now." " What, it's that time already?" " Already?" "If I hear one more of that postman's crackpot theories, my head will explode." "Niles, don't worry about him." "Nobody takes him seriously." "DAPHNE:" "I never knew there were so many letters in the dolphin alphabet." "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" " I see." "Well, um, is Dad ready to go?" " Dad?" "Dad would be content to sit there swilling beer all night." "Everyone's having a good time." "Why don't we push the reservation back another half hour?" " Everyone isn't having..." "PAUL:" "Fras." "Sit down." "Tell us what it's like to be famous." "Oh, sure, Paul." "Better make it an hour." "The best thing is, on a summer's day, you open a cold one, and that foam runs down your hand." "And for a split second there, you're jealous of your own knuckles." "Oh, yeah." " I had no idea that you were a poet." " Oh." "Yeah, tell me the one about the bacon again." " Which one?" " All of them." "CARLA:" "Hey, whitebread." "What could possibly be wrong on this most wonderful of nights?" "Oh, uh, no offence, it's just we had reservations at one of the finest restaurants in Boston, and instead we're eating trail mix and drinking this..." "Oh, dear God, it's just labelled "wine."" "Hey, Norm, doesn't he remind you of Frasier?" " Say indubitably." " Must I?" " It's uncanny." " Yeah." "Hey, remember that time you guys took Frasier on a snipe hunt?" "NORM:" "Yeah." " What's a snipe hunt?" "That's when you take some unsuspecting dope out to bag snipe, which don't exist, and then you ditch him in the woods." "That must've been completely humiliating." "Yeah, well, that's the point." "Do you have any more of these stories?" " Only about a million." "NILES:" "Oh." "I don't have time for a million." "Just tell me the hundred worst." "Okay, well, when Frasier first started coming to Cheers, he was really kind of a boob." "Yeah, a boob." "Sorry." "CLIFF:" "Everybody, attention." "Uh..." "Mr. Twitchell's got something to say, huh?" "I'd like to propose a toast to Cliff Clavin." "We were often adversaries, but he was a postman." "And I'll say this about him, he never developed a stoop." "[CLIFF CHUCKLES]" "Mostly because he threw the big catalogues into the river." "[ALL LAUGH]" "And even though he didn't strictly abide by the rules, especially 367-B, Section 17..." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Well, anyway, um, when all is said and done, you have to ask, what will the mail be without Cliff Clavin?" "ALL:" "On time!" "CLIFF:" "Twitchell, thank you very much." "I just wanna thank you, Cliff, for all the great times we had at Cheers." "Well, you were always there for me, Al." "I'm Phil." "Al's been dead for 14 years, you dumb son of a bitch." "Well, you know, I hadn't planned on, uh, making a speech, so my remarks will have to be extemporaneous." "I hope that means dirty." "Smart money's on long." "It was about ten years ago when I, too, left Boston." "But the kind wishes and outpouring of emotion from my friends remain fresh in my mind." "I still remember Sam throwing me a lavish party and dubbing me the Einstein of Cheers, against my modest protest that I was merely the Niels Bohr." "[CHUCKLES]" "You still are." "Carla, thank you." "Ha." "And then, of course, Norm begging me to stay, and that comical moment when Woody threw his arms around my legs and began to cry." "I..." "Well..." "And now another of us is leaving this wonderful town." "Good luck, Cliff." "ALL:" "Hear, hear." "Great." "I was gonna say "good luck, Cliff."" "FRASIER:" "Please hold our table." "We'll be there in a half hour." "[FOOTSTEPS]" "Cliff, are you all right?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I just, uh..." "Whew-hoo, gotta take a break from all that partying." "Heh, heh." "Hmm..." "All right, you pried it out of me." "It's my so-called friends." "They don't care about me." "Oh, sure they do." "No, your toast in there brought home the ugly truth." "You know, when you left, everybody asked you to stay." "I mean, I told these bullocks six months ago I was retiring, and not one single one of them said anything like, uh:" ""Yeah, I'm sure gonna miss you there, uh, Big Shooter."" "Or, "Gee, I wish you could stick around, Big Shooter."" "Big Shooter?" "Yeah, it's a nickname I once gave myself." "Well, Cliff, you know, it's entirely possible that your friends are suffering from a kind of, uh, separation anxiety." "They may find it difficult to admit to themselves that you are actually leaving." "You know, I could have a little talk with them if you'd like." "Huh." "Well, what kind of hollow victory would that be?" "If I walk around the block, would that give you time?" "Sure." "Uh, everybody, uh, listen up." "Um, Cliff is going through a kind of a crisis about leaving." "No, no, he's not." "No crisis." "It would go a long way toward helping him if you could just let him know how much you're gonna miss him." "Tell him, you know, how sad you are that he's leaving." "NORM:" "I don't know, Fras." "Look, I'm his best friend, but I am no good at the mushy stuff." "Surely you can come up with a few words." "Yeah, but what if he cries?" "You know, what if he tries to hug me?" "What are people gonna think, two guys hugging?" "I, uh..." "Hey, you're gonna kiss him with tongue if that's what it takes to get rid of him." "Shh, okay, here he is." "Everyone pretend you like him." " Carla, we do like him." " Yeah, like that." "[PAUL CLEARS THROAT]" "Uh, I wanna make a toast." "Cliff, you've always been my role model." "CLIFF:" "Really?" "You...?" "You mean that, Paul?" "I sure do." "Especially when it comes to the ladies." "I'm sad you're going." "CARLA:" "Yeah." "ALL:" "Hear, hear." "Cliff, I will miss you too, you dumb son of a bitch." "ALL:" "Hear, hear." "I haven't known you for very long, Cliff, but I've learned so much from you." "I never knew that the Indians of the rainforest used to stretch out pig intestines and use it as a primitive telephone." "Or that Winston Churchill invented the modern English muffin." "You're a fascinating man." " Good luck." "CLIFF:" "Oh." "Ah, thank you, Daphne." "He's smooth." "Congratulations, Cliff." "Stop that." "Stop it." "Cliffie, we've been best friends for a long, long time." "We've done a lot of stuff together." "Most of it dumb, the rest of it boring." "But it's like we have this connection, you know?" "I mean, somehow we know when we wanna be dumb and when we wanna be boring." "I don't know what I'm gonna do without you." "To my best friend, Cliff." "ALL:" "To Cliff." "Come here, you." "Carla, don't you have a few words to say?" "I sure do." "Cliffie," "I know that things haven't always been that great between us over the years, but, well, being here tonight makes me think about the effect that you've had on my life." "I'd like to say that I'll miss you..." "I'd like to say that I'll miss you..." "It's okay, Carla." "I'd like to say that I'll miss you but it sticks in my throat like your rotten devilled eggs!" "I hate your guts!" "The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing!" "The way you walk, your stupid white socks..." "FRASIER:" "Carla..." " Back off!" "I'm toasting!" "The 20 years I have known you would've been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats!" "But now, finally, you're leaving." "I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can live again." "I can live again!" "Finally, I can live!" "I can live!" "[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]" "Anyway, God bless." "Well, I can't believe my ears." "When I heard Paul and Norm there saying all those nice things about me," "I actually started thinking, uh:" ""Maybe I shouldn't go to Florida and leave all my friends."" "You know, "Am I doing the right thing?"" "But when I heard you speak those words, Carla, that's when I decided." "I am gonna stay." " What?" " That's right, you little dickens." "You only joke about somebody like that when you really care for them." "I wasn't joking." "I really hate you." "Oh, Carla, come on." "You're gonna make me cry now." "Everybody, the move is off." "No!" "No!" "[CHATTERING]" "[CLIFF LAUGHING]" "[CARLA GRUNTS]" "Oh, Frasier, I owe this all to you." "Frasier, we were so close, and then you had to show up and ruin everything!" "Well, we've got dinner reservations." "Uh..." "Hey, everybody, thanks for all the gifts, but, uh, I don't have much use for a spear gun here in Boston." " Give me that!" "Give me that!" "FRASIER:" "Carla, Carla!" " Please!" "CARLA:" "No, give me that gun!" "[CARLA YELLING]" "FRASIER:" "Get her out of here." "CARLA:" "Let me go!" "No!" "Stop it!" "Stop it now!" "Well, see you around, Big Shooter." "Thanks, doc." "Good luck, Cliff." "Any time you're in Seattle..." "Frasier has an extra room." "Marty, you're not going too, are you?" "Yeah, I have to." "Why don't you come to Seattle some time?" "I'll show you around." "We'll have a few beers at McGinty's." " Yeah?" "You mean that?" " Absolutely." "It's only six hours flying time from here." "Six hours, you know, sitting there in one place, never moving..." "That's, uh..." "That's just not me, you know?" "True thanks." "Listen, I'm sorry that I ruined your evening." "Oh, uh, actually I ended up rather enjoying myself." "Really?" "Well, I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that." "I knew once you met these people, you'd learn to love them as I do." "Yes, actually, I've rethought a lot of things." "I'm going to give you a much-deserved introduction at that conference tomorrow." " Are you certain?" " Oh, you won't be able to stop me." "Oh..."