"( camera clicking )" "STAND TALL, ENEMY APPROACHING !" "KRISSY TATE REQUESTING ENTRY TO KING DAWG'S CASTLE, PLEASE." "IT'S GONNA COST YOU." "YOU HAVE TO KISS ME FOR 5 SECONDS." "( boys ) ONE MISSISSIPPI, 2 MISSISSIPPI, 3 MISSISSIPPI," "4 MISSISSIPPI, 5 MISSISSIPPI." "ENTRY DENIED !" "I HATE YOU, DOUGLAS MENFORD." "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT !" "HE SAID NO !" "WHY DID YOU DO THAT ?" "HMM," "I'VE KISSED BETTER." "CAN I GET ONE OF THOSE PLASTIC DIVIDER THINGS ?" "SURE." "OH, OH !" "BETWEEN THE GOAL POST, BABY !" "OH, YES !" "OH, OH !" "( moaning )" "OH, HALLELUJAH !" "OOH !" "WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE ?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?" "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME BEING HERE ?" "HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE I WORKED ?" "DOUG." "UH, MR. LANGLEY, HOW ARE YOU ?" "EXCUSE ME A MOMENT." "SIR, I'M SORRY." "THIS BROAD, I SLEEP WITH HER ONCE, AND SHE THINKS SHE CAN FOLLOW ME TO WORK." "BUT I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT." "DON'T WORRY." "DOUG, THAT BROAD IS MY WIFE," "AND YOU'RE FIRED." "STUPID TWIT !" "THEY CAN ALL KISS MY ASS, JOE." "EASY, DAWG." "NO, "EASY" THIS." "SCREW THEM." "SCREW R.P. LANGLEY." "YOU ALREADY SCREWED HIS WIFE." "I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HIS WIFE." "I WISH I HAD KNOWN IT WAS HIS WIFE." "WOULD HAVE MADE IT MORE EXCITING." "( chuckling )" "YOU KNOW WHAT ?" "HE CAN LICK ME." "CRACK TO SACK, OK ?" "R.P. LANGLEY CAN LICK ME, CRACK TO FUCKING SACK." "HEY, HEY, NOT IN FRONT OF THE LADY." "SORRY, TOUGH WEEK." "THAT'S NO EXCUSE FOR CURSING LIKE THAT." "IT'S IMPORTANT FOR DECENT PEOPLE" "TO CONTROL THEIR LANGUAGE." "MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE HOT !" "SO ARE YOU." "INCREDIBLE." "TAKE YOUR PANTIES OFF." "OH, NO, NOT YET." "COME ON." "NO." "COME ON, I'M DEPRESSED, MMM." "SEX IS LIKE MEDICATION." "IT'LL HELP EASE THE PAIN, MMM." "WHY ARE YOU DEPRESSED ?" "YOU'LL FIND ANOTHER JOB." "IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT MY JOB." "IT'S ABOUT MY GRANDMOTHER, ACTUALLY." "AH." "SHE JUST DIED." "( groaning )" "WHAT ?" "W-WHAT'S WRONG ?" "YOU'RE--YOU'RE USING YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S DEATH" "TO GET YOURSELF A PIECE OF ASS." "THAT IS SO DEMENTED." "NO, WAIT, WAIT." "SEE, I'M SOMEONE WHO CAN CHANNEL DEPRESSION THROUGH SEXUAL ENERGY." "BELIEVE ME, I'M IN REAL MOURNING." "YOU'RE FUCKING SICK." "NO, AND I ONLY NEED 4 HOURS OF SLEEP." "IT'S A FUNERAL." "HOW AWAKE DO YOU HAVE TO BE ?" "WHERE'RE YOU GOING ?" "( Rollin' Tumblin' Remix by R.L. Burnside playing )" "♪ HEY, HEY ♪" "♪ HEY, HEY ♪" "♪ HEY, HEY ♪" "I KNOW I'M NOT SCHEDULED TO SPEAK HERE TODAY" "ON BEHALF OF MY BELOVED GRANDMOTHER, BUT I WOULD LIKE TO ADD... ♪ HEY, HEY ♪" "SHE WAS A WOMAN OF INCREDIBLE CHARACTER." "SHE WAS AN INCREDIBLE-- SHE WAS A GREAT WOMAN OF INCREDIBLE CHARACTER." "SHIT !" "THE WOMAN WHO TAUGHT ME THE VALUABLE LESSONS OF LIFE." "JUST DON'T MAKE THEM LIKE HER ANYMORE." "( men chattering )" "( man #1 ) YEAH, YEAH." "OK." "( man #2 ) KEEP GOING, LOWER." "COME ON, MOVE IT, COME ON." "OK." "LET'S GO." "EXCUSE ME, UM, IS THIS WHERE THE KATE MENFORD FUNERAL IS GOING TO BE ?" "THIS IS WHERE THE KATE MENFORD FUNERAL WAS." "NO, NO, NO." "NO, NO." "IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT 9:30." "NO, NO, NO." "8:30." "SORRY, PAL." "COME ON, GET THESE, UH..." "YOU GOT TO PUT THESE ON THE TRUCK." "HURRY UP." "SORRY, GRAM." "I'M GONNA MISS YOU." "( car stereo playing )" "( tires screeching )" "( horn blaring )" "( people chattering )" "I MEAN, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT," "IT'S A LOT LIKE SEX, MISSIONARY STYLE, WITH THE LIGHTS TURNED OFF." "IT CAN ONLY LAST SO LONG, YOU KNOW ?" "( crunching )" "IF YOU SCREW TOO MANY TIMES ON THE TOP OF THE COFFEE TABLE," "FLIP THE THING OVER, AND TIE YOUR PARTNER TO THE LEGS." "NOW, TRUST ME, THAT'S HOT." "THAT'S DISGUSTING." "IT'S GREAT." "IT'S GOT TO BE ONE OF THOSE BIG WOOD JOBS, YOU KNOW." "THE SQUARE KIND, SOLID OAK." "WOW." "COFFEE TABLE." "TSK." "I'M SORRY." "HOW--HOW DO YOU KNOW MY GRANDMOTHER AGAIN ?" "DOUG, I'M YOUR COUSIN, DENISE." "COUSIN DENISE." "HI, HOW ARE YOU ?" "FINE." "HOW'RE YOU DOING ?" "HEY, YOU LOOK GREAT SINCE YOU GOT THE BRACES OFF." "YOU REALLY DO." "( chattering )" "HMM." "WELL," "ONE DOOR CLOSES AND ANOTHER ONE OPENS." "BYE, THEN." "HI, I'M ANNA LOCKHEART." "DOUG MENFORD, HOW ARE YOU ?" "( both ) NICE TO MEET YOU." "YOU'RE NOT RELATED TO ME, ARE YOU ?" "OH, HARDLY, NO." "I'M YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S ATTORNEY" "AND THE EXECUTOR OF HER ESTATE." "LOOK, I WANNA MAKE THIS REALLY BRIEF," "'CAUSE I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE TIME OR PLACE TO CONDUCT BUSINESS" "AND, WELL, I IMAGINE YOU MUST BE PRETTY..." "I AM." "I AM." "BUT MY STRATEGY IS TO LAY LOW" "AND HANG OUT BY THE FOOD TABLE," "BECAUSE, UH, USUALLY WHEN YOU'RE EATING, PEOPLE DON'T BOTHER YOU." "USUALLY." "OH, I'M SORRY." "I DIDN'T MEAN TO" "NO, RELAX, I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU." "ACTUALLY, UH, THE TRUTH IS EVENTUALLY EVERY GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN" "IN THE PLACE WILL END UP AT THE FOOD TABLE" "BECAUSE WOMEN LIKE TO EAT WHEN THEY'RE SAD." "REALLY ?" "YEAH." "AND WHAT DO MEN DO ?" "WE LOOK FOR SAD WOMEN." "ARE YOU FREE ON MONDAY AFTERNOON ?" "YES." "HERE'S MY CARD." "BE AT THIS ADDRESS AT 1:00." "WHY ?" "WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY." "YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS WORTH A LOT MORE THAN YOU THINK." "IN FACT, SHE WAS WORTH MORE THAN ANYBODY THOUGHT." "AND OUT OF ALL HER IMMEDIATE FAMILY," "DISTANT RELATIVES, 2ND AND 3RD COUSINS INCLUDED," "AND ALL MONEY-HUNGRY HOPEFULS GATHERED HERE TODAY," "FOR SOME REASON," "YOURS IS THE ONLY NAME THAT APPEARS ON THE WILL." "MR. MENFORD ?" "UH--UH, HOW MUCH EXACTLY IS SHE WORTH ?" "1:00, MONDAY." "OK." "I'M HERE ABOUT THE COFFEE TABLE." "SOLID OAK." "OOH !" "( laughing )" "MMM," "ARE THOSE, UH" "OH, STRAWBERRIES." "( grunting )" "♪ COME ON AND DO IT, DO IT ♪" "♪ DO IT TILL YOU'RE SATISFIED ♪" "♪ WHATEVER IT IS ♪" "♪ DO IT, DO IT TILL YOU'RE SATISFIED ♪" "♪ COME ON AND DO IT, DO IT ♪" "♪ DO IT TILL YOU'RE SATISFIED ♪" "♪ WHATEVER IT IS ♪" "KINKY !" "THIS ISN'T EVEN IN KINKY'S PARKING LOT." "I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO IT DAWG STYLE." "♪ WHATEVER IT IS ♪" "( Doug ) COME ON IN, GENTLEMEN." "♪ AS LONG AS IT PLEASES YOU ♪" "HI." "♪ AS LONG AS YOU CAN ♪" "IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS ?" "IT CERTAINLY IS." "WELL, SHARE THE WEALTH, BABY !" "MORE !" "OH, MORE." "♪ WHATEVER IT IS ♪" "( screaming )" "OH !" "OH !" "( bell ringing )" "( alarm clock buzzing )" "( elevator bell dinging )" "( people chattering )" "YOU MUST BE MR. MENFORD." "THAT'S RIGHT." "DOUGLAS MENFORD IS HERE TO SEE YOU." "( Anna ) Thank you, Harris." "Send him in." "GO RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR." "GREAT, THANK YOU." "GOOD MORNING." "IT COULD BE." "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN ?" "DO YOU WANT ME TO DO COMMUNITY SERVICE OR TAKE A PHYSICAL ?" "HEY, YOU NAME THE TIME AND THE PLACE, I'LL PEE IN THE CUP." "DID YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S DEATH AFFECT YOU AT ALL, MR. MENFORD ?" "LET'S CUT TO THE CHASE." "WHAT'RE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE ?" "$20,000 ?" "HER LINCOLN TOWN CAR, WHAT ?" "MR. MENFORD," "WE'RE TALKING ABOUT $1 MILLION." "WE ARE ?" "YOU SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT WILL ?" "OH, YEAH." "HOLY SHIT !" "WOW." "WHERE'D SHE GET THAT KIND OF MONEY ?" "YOU WEREN'T THE ONLY ONE IN YOUR FAMILY TO DABBLE IN THE STOCK MARKET." "I DON'T DABBLE, OK." "I HELP PEOPLE WITH MONEY" "DECIDE WHERE TO PUT IT." "OK ?" "AND AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, MY CAREER" "HAPPENS TO BE, UH, YOU KNOW, KIND OF IN" "WHERE THE FUCK DID SHE GET $1 MILLION ?" "IT SEEMS THAT YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS SOME KIND OF FINANCIAL GENIUS." "GREAT." "WHERE DO I SIGN ?" "I'M AFRAID IT'S NOT QUITE THAT EASY, MR. MENFORD." ""I, KATHRYN J. MENFORD," ""HEREBY DECLARE MY GRANDSON," ""DOUGLAS LAWRENCE MENFORD," ""THE SOLE BENEFICIARY OF ALL MY MONETARY SAVINGS," ""IF..." ""AND ONLY IF..." "HE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETES THE FOLLOWING MISSION."" "MISSION ?" "WHAT MISSION ?" "LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT THAT THING." "MR. MENFORD, HOW MANY SERIOUS GIRLFRIENDS HAVE YOU HAD ?" "WHAT ?" "GIRLFRIENDS ?" "HOW MANY SERIOUS ?" "WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY GRANDMOTHER'S WILL ?" "EVERYTHING, ACTUALLY." "NONE, OK," "'CAUSE AFTER A WHILE, THEY START HEARING WEDDING BELLS, SO" "UM, HOW MANY GIRLS HAVE YOU, UM," "USED FOR SEX ?" "USED FOR SEX ?" "YEAH, YOU KNOW, ONE-NIGHT STANDS, SAYING "I LOVE YOU"" "I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN." "I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN." "I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN." "DO I HAVE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION ?" "YES, YOU DO." "TSK." "LET ME THINK ABOUT IT, UM... ( sighing )" "WELL, UM..." "YEAH, OK, I--I THINK WE GET THE MESSAGE." "THANK YOU." "I'M ACTUALLY INTERESTED TO FIND OUT NOW." "NO, NO, PLEASE STOP." "NOW, CAN YOU JUST READ FROM HERE, THE 2ND PARAGRAPH," "I THINK YOU MAY GET MORE OF THE GIST OF WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT." ""IN ORDER TO RECEIVE YOUR $1 MILLION," ""YOU MUST TRACK DOWN A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF THESE WOMEN" "AND GET THEM TO SAY THE WORDS 'I FORGIVE YOU.'"" "( scoffing )" "WHAT'S A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER ?" "A NICE, ROUND DOZEN." "AND I SHALL SHADOW YOU EVERY SECOND" "OF EVERY DAY TO CHECK THAT YOU DON'T CHEAT." "AND IF I EVEN GET THE SLIGHTEST WHIFF OF ANY FRAUDULENCE," "THE WHOLE DEAL IS OFF, AND HER ENTIRE ESTATE GOES TO THE LOCAL DOG SHELTER." "SO, ARE WE ON ?" "I GET TO PICK THE GIRLS." "DON'T BE RIDICULOUS." "YOU'D MANIPULATE THE ROSTER OR FIND SOME SILLY LITTLE GIRLS THAT WOULD COLLUDE WITH YOU." "YOUR GRANDMOTHER LOVED YOU, MR. MENFORD," "BUT SHE THOUGHT YOU BEHAVED LIKE AN ABSOLUTE JERK" "WHEN IT CAME TO WOMEN." "NOW, THEN." "HOW WOULD A MAN LIKE YOU RECORD HIS CONQUESTS, HUH ?" "HAVE YOU GOT A LITTLE BLACK BOOK ?" "NO." "DO YOU MAKE NOTCHES ON THE BEDPOST ?" "NO." "THEN, UH, HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS ?" "OH, THESE ARE DISGUSTING !" "RIGHT." "I AM GOING TO SORT THESE OUT." "OH !" "OK." "PLAY POKER, MR. MENFORD ?" "NOT REALLY." "WELL, LET'S HOPE YOU DRAW A LUCKY HAND." "PHEW !" "THAT'S A GOOD ONE." "RIGHT." "VERY GOOD." "NOT GOOD." "SOME OF THESE GIRLS ARE GONNA BE HARD." "AND 12." "OK, 12 IT IS." "WHOO, BOY !" "UGH !" "( sighing )" "WHAT ?" "( grunting )" "GOOD MORNING." "HELLO." "NEED ALL THESE BAGS ?" "OF COURSE I DO." "WHAT THE HELL IS IN THIS ONE ?" "KITCHEN APPLIANCES ?" "( groaning )" "NO, JUST A LITTLE READING MATTER." "CAREFUL !" "OH, MY GOD !" "READING MATTER, MY ASS !" "ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA." "OK." "NOW WHAT ?" "THE DOOR." "THERE IT IS." "HA-HA." "MR. MENFORD, ONE THING:" "I AM A NERVOUS PASSENGER." "UH-HUH." "PLEASE KEEP TO THE SPEED LIMIT." "YEP." "( car engine starting )" "( Burn me down by Evan Olson playing )" "♪ BAD DAYS COME AND BAD DAYS GO ♪" "♪ THEN EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE ♪" "♪ AND LIFE MAY BE A TRAGEDY ♪" "♪ BUT I AIN'T GONNA LET IT BOTHER ME ♪" "♪ 'CAUSE I'D BE WASTIN' TIME ♪" "♪ I TAKE IT FOR GRANTED AND SMILE ♪" "♪ THAT WAY I WON'T LET IT BURN ME DOWN ♪" "♪ EVERYBODY KNOWS SOMEBODY ELSE ♪" "♪ WHO KNOWS IT ALL ♪" "( tires screeching )" "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA." "WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?" "WHY, INSIDE WITH YOU, OF COURSE." "NO, NO, NO, I'M NERVOUS ENOUGH AS IT IS." "NO WAY." "NO WAY." "HEY, LET'S JUST RECAP HERE A LITTLE BIT, OK ?" "YOUR JOB IS TO SECURE 12 "I FORGIVE yous."" "MY JOB IS TO WITNESS THAT." "THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BE PRESENT." "AH !" "ALL RIGHT, GODDAMIT, LET'S GET IT OVER WITH." "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO START A RELATIONSHIP WITH TRUST." "LEAST YOU COULD GIVE ME THE BENEFIT OF DOUBT." "RELATIONSHIP ?" "BY YOUR ADMISSION, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD." "VERY FUNNY." "( sighing )" "WELL ?" "I'M JUST REFLECTING ON MY GRANDMOTHER'S KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR." "( sighing )" "HEY, EASY, SHE MIGHT HEAR YOU." "( door opening )" "OH, MAN, NO WAY !" "HI, MEGAN." "DOUG MENFORD ?" "YEAH, IT'S ME." "UH, THIS IS ANNA." "HI." "HOLY SHIT !" "WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THAT ALMOST 6 YEARS AFTER RAPPING BACKSTAGE WITH THE BEASTIES," "YOU'D BE KNOCKING ON MY DOOR ?" "DO YOU REMEMBER THE BEASTIE ACRONYM ?" "UH..." "BOYS ENTERING" "ANARCHISTIC STATES TOWARDS INTERNAL" "EXCELLENCE." "MAN, THIS IS SO WEIRD." "YEAH." "DO YOU MIND IF WE COME IN ?" "NO !" "I MEAN, UH, NO, PLEASE DO." "( laughing )" "JEEZ." "EXCUSE THE MESS." "IT'S JUST ME AND MY FRIENDS." "( cats mewing )" "WE DON'T GET MANY VISITORS." "PLEASE," "PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE." "HAVE A SEAT." "SO, TELL ME ALREADY," "WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE ?" "WELL, I--I--I NEEDED TO SEE YOU." "YEAH, RIGHT." "NO, SERIOUSLY." "WHY ?" "OH !" "GET DOWN, "H" !" ""H" ?" "IS THAT SHORT FOR SOMETHING ?" "NO, IT'S HER NAME." "TO KEEP THINGS EASY, I JUST ASSIGN THEM ALL LETTERS." "IT GETS TO BE KIND OF A BITCH, THOUGH." ""B" SOMETIMES COMES WHEN I CALL "P."" ""M" ANSWERS TO "N."" "UH-HUH." "SO, YOU WERE SAYING YOU NEEDED TO SEE ME ?" "UM... ( cat yowling )" "CAN I HAVE A DRINK ?" "MAN," "I AM SO RUDE !" "ANNA ?" "OH, NO, NOT FOR ME, THANKS." "DOUG ?" "JAGER AND COKE." "THE WOMAN'S INSANE, HOW COULD YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH HER ?" "SHE WASN'T CRAZY WHEN I HAD SEX WITH HER." "SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY CATS, EITHER." "NO." "NO, YOU CAN HELP OUT HERE, OK, IF YOU'RE GONNA SIT HERE IN THE ROOM," "YOU MIGHT AS WELL THROW IN A LITTLE" "OH, SURE, DO IT ALL FOR YOU." "WOULDN'T THAT RATHER DEFEAT" " HEY." "THANK YOU." "THANK YOU VERY MUCH." "I APPRECIATE IT." "MEGAN," "UH-HUH." "UH, ANNA HERE IS ACTUALLY MY A.A. COACH." "HMM ?" "YEAH." "ACTUALLY, A--A SPECIAL PROGRAM THAT I'M IN," "IT'S A NEW THING WHERE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE, UH, 3 DRINKS," "AHEM," "A DAY," "FOR 3 WEEKS, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE WE LEAD SUCH..." "HURTFUL LIVES, REALLY, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT." "YOU KNOW, I MEAN, JUST COMING AND GOING." "WE LAY WASTE OUR TIME." "IT'S WHAT WE DO AND" "MR. MENFORD." "CATHARSIS." "DOUG." "LIKE--LIKE O-OLD RELATIONSHIPS, FOR INSTANCE." "YOU KNOW, WE--WE" " SOMETIMES WE SAY AND DO THINGS," "WE DON'T REALIZE HOW IT AFFECTS PEOPLE, YOU KNOW." "AND, UH," "AND THAT'S THE THING." "FOR INSTANCE," "I--I--I HOPE I HAVEN'T SAID THINGS IN THE PAST THAT MIGHT HAVE HURT YOU." "I LIKE THE THINGS YOU SAID," "WHEN WE TALKED." "YES." "BUT, SEE, YOU'RE MAKING IT EASY FOR ME," "AND I WANT IT TO BE HARD." "I WANT TO..." "I WANT TO FEEL THE PAIN." "I WANT IT TO-- I WANT IT TO HURT." "I WANT IT TO HAVE..." "DEEPER MEANING, REALLY." "( gasping )" "OH, NO." "OH, MY GOD !" "( Megan gasping )" "THIS HAS BEEN AROUND FOR 3 GENERATIONS." "OH, REALLY ?" "MY GRANDMOTHER HANDED THIS DOWN TO MY MOTHER," "AND MY MOTHER PASSED IT ON TO ME." "THIS IS A RILEY HEIRLOOM." "I'M SO SORRY." "OH, I..." "I COULDN'T BE SORRIER EVEN IF I WAS SORRIER." "YOU ARE VERY SORRY, MR. MENFORD." "YES, I AM." "I'M EXTREMELY SORRY." "I'M--I'M TERRIBLY, HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY SORRY ABOUT THIS." "AND HERE I WAS MAKING AN APOLOGY," "AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE APOLOGY, I HAVE TO MAKE ANOTHER APOLOGY." "I'M SO APOLOGETIC RIGHT NOW ABOUT HOW SORRY" "SHUT IT !" "SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT !" "I FORGIVE YOU !" "OK." "WELL, WE GOT TO GO." "SEE YOU LATER." "SORRY." "( crying )" "OH, OH." "YOU CHEATED." "YES, AND ?" "MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST QUIT NOW AND FORGET ABOUT THE MILLION DOLLARS." "YOU CAN'T STAND THAT I SCORED." "WHAT YOU DID BACK THERE WAS DESPICABLE." "HEY, LOOK, YOU SAID NO COLLUSION." "YOU SAID NOTHING ABOUT CUTTING CORNERS." "CUTTING CORNERS IS CHEATING." "HEY, BUT IF THAT'S THE ROAD YOU WANNA GO, JUST KISS THE MONEY GOODBYE." "YOU KNOW, AS LONG AS WE'RE REDEFINING THE DEAL, LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT." "FROM NOW ON, YOU STAY IN THE CAR." "OK, YOU DO NOT COME INSIDE." "YOU STAY IN THE CAR." "PERIOD." "THE PIN-DROP 3000 RECEIVER." "WITHOUT A DOUBT, THIS REPRESENTS THE CUTTING EDGE IN AUDIOPHILIC TECHNOLOGY." "THE BAND FREQUENCIES ACTUALLY..." "BEND THE WAVES WITHIN THE COCHLEA," "CAUSING THE EAR ITSELF TO BECOME A CACOPHONIC RESONATOR." "ADDITIONALLY, THE RECEIVER HAS A BUILT-IN MICROPHONE" "WITH A TRANSMITTING CAPACITY OF 15,000 UBERHERTZ." "THE RATIO OF CONDUCTION TO RECEPTION IS BEYOND COMPARE," "SOMEWHERE WITHIN THE GRAPHOLOGIC PARADIGM OF BEING... ( bird cawing )" "IN THE SAME ROOM." "FOR AN ADDITIONAL 3 DOLLARS, I'LL THROW IN A FOUNTAIN PEN." "ON THE OTHER HAND" "COULD YOU JUST GO BACK TO THE BIT ABOUT THE" "WE'LL TAKE THEM." "HMM." "( static )" "CAN YOU SEE IT ?" "NO, IT LOOKS GREAT." "OK, SO," "WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO HEAR EACH OTHER" "AND TALK TO EACH OTHER IF WE NEED TO." "RIGHT." "WHO'S NEXT ?" "KIANA MORTENSON." "OOH, KIANA !" "( dog barking )" "PERFECT." "OK, NOW LET'S TEST THIS EQUIPMENT." "YOU JUMP OUT OF THE CAR, WALK A LITTLE BIT AWAY," "AND I AM GOING TO SAY, "TESTING, TESTING," OK ?" "TESTING." "TESTING." "TESTING." "TESTING !" "( drums beating )" "DOES IT WORK, THEN ?" "MR. MENFORD ?" "OH, YES." "HEY !" "THAT WAS INCREDIBLE." "ALL YOU NEED IS THAT PLACE DOWN THE CARIBBEAN, AND YOU'LL BE ALL SET." "YOU REMEMBERED." "LONG TIME NO SEE." "HOW ABOUT SOME ICED TEA ?" "I MISSED YOU." "FIGURED I'D TAKE A SHOT AND SEE IF YOU'RE STILL AROUND." "PART OF ME THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE IN SAINT CROIX BY NOW, BUT..." "ARE YOU DISAPPOINTED ?" "( moaning )" "( Kiana screaming )" "WA-WA-WAIT !" "I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING." "( door creaking )" "HOLY SHIT." "I DID IT MYSELF." "( bird cawing )" "IT'S MY DREAM SPACE." "( grunting )" "OH, OH." "( man singing Spanish )" "( groaning )" "( shrieking )" "OH, NO." "I'LL GET IT, I'LL GET IT." "OH, NO." "I HAVE IT." "GIVE IT TO ME." "HERE WE GO." "LET ME DO IT !" "OK." "LET ME DO IT !" "GOOD, GOOD." "( grunting )" "HELP ME." "I AM." "OK, WAIT..." "OK." "OK." "UP !" "UP..." "WHAT, WHAT'S WRONG ?" "I WANT TO BE ON TOP." "OK." "Ok." "All right, go, go." "GO THIS WAY." "ALL RIGHT." "WAIT, WAIT." "ON THE COUNT OF 3. 1, 2, 3." "DID YOU SAY "3" YET ?" "YEAH, I DID." "OK, 3, ROLL." "I'M TRYING TO ROLL." "PULL MY BUTT !" "OH, YEAH." "( both ) AH." "AH." "KIANA..." "WHAT ?" "SORRY, I--I--I..." "OH, OW, OW." "SORRY FOR LEAVING YOU IN THE THEATRE." "I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE POPCORN AND COME BACK." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING." "( groaning )" "OH, MY GOD !" "( moaning )" "( screaming )" "( grunting )" "AH." "I FORGIVE YOU." "( sighing )" "OH," "I DON'T BELIEVE IT." "RIGHT." "( engine starting )" "OH, SHIT !" "( car horn honking )" "( sighing )" "VERY FUNNY." "SERVES YOU RIGHT." "WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' UP HERE ?" "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO THIS ONE WITH DECENCY." "TRUST ME, SHE'S NOT MAD, OK ?" "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ?" "BECAUSE SHE LOVES SEX AS MUCH AS I DO, OK ?" "SEX IS JUST AN ACTIVITY TO YOU, ISN'T IT ?" "NO." "SEX IS A BIG, GIANT PARTY." "YEAH, WELL, IT'S MORE THAN THAT TO WOMEN." "I CAN ASSURE YOU." "YOU HAVE SEX WITH THE SAME WOMAN LONG ENOUGH," "SHE WANTS TO HAVE YOUR BABY." "REVELATION !" "DOUG MENFORD IS TERRIFIED OF CHILDREN." "I'M NOT FRIGHTENED OF CHILDREN," "I LOVE THEM, I JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE THEM." "THERE'S A DIFFERENCE." "ONE'S A PHOBIA, THE OTHER ONE IS A CHOICE." "I THINK YOU'RE THE MOST SEXIST, SHALLOW," "SELF-CENTERED MAN I'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO MEET." "SHE WAS HORNY, I WAS THERE." "IT'S CALLED TIMING." "YOU MEAN SHE JUST HAD SEX WITH YOU" "WITHOUT GIVING IT A SECOND THOUGHT ?" "PRETTY MUCH." "I THINK THAT'S SAD AND WEAK." "I THINK YOU HAVE, A:" "A PROBLEM WITH" "SEXUAL WOMEN, OR B:" "A PROBLEM WITH SEX." "I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOU." "I DIDN'T SPEND YEARS IN LAW SCHOOL" "JUST SO I COULD FOLLOW YOU AROUND," "DOCUMENTING YOUR SEXUALLY DEVIANT BEHAVIOR." "HEY, TAKE THAT STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR FACE AND DRIVE, OK." "LET'S GO, SHALL WE ?" "( horse neighing )" "( inaudible )" "( inaudible )" "( beeping )" "( cell phone ringing )" "( inaudible )" "( inaudible )" "HEY !" "HEY, YOU GUYS." "( girls together ) WE FORGIVE YOU !" "( laughing )" "GOOD EVENING." "WHAT DO YOU WANT ?" "I CAME TO CELEBRATE." "WELL, ISN'T THAT A BIT PREMATURE ?" "I DON'T THINK SO." "I'M OFF TO A GOOD START." "I'VE GOT 2 DAYS TO GET 5 MORE." "SO..." "LET'S HAVE A DRINK." "I'M WORKING." "JUST ONE." "TAKE A BREAK." "I THINK I'LL PASS." "SO, WHAT'S YOUR DEAL ?" "I MEAN, THERE MUST BE MORE TO ANNA LOCKHEART THAN BOOKS AND BUSINESS." "WHAT WOULD I FIND LISTED UNDER HOBBIES ?" "BETTER YET, WHAT WOULD I FIND LISTED UNDER SKILLS ?" "MAYBE YOU'LL FIND WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR UNDER..." "MARITAL STATUS." "YOU'RE MARRIED." "HAPPILY." "HIS NAME'S COLE." "COLE." "WHERE'S THE RING ?" "OH, GETTING RESET." "ONE OF THE PRONGS BROKE." "EXCUSE ME." "OH, REALLY ?" "GENTLE REMINDER, MR. MENFORD" "I'M HERE BECAUSE I MADE A PROMISE" "TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER, WHO WAS A SWEET AND LOVELY WOMAN." "AND THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THIS EXPEDITION WAS TO HUMBLE YOU, TO TAME YOUR EGO," "NOT TO BLOW IT OUT OF ALL PROPORTION." "WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO MY GRANDMOTHER, SCREW THAT." "'CAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT THE LUCKY 7s NOW." "YOU'RE REALLY ENJOYING THIS, AREN'T YOU ?" "YES, I AM." "WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO AND ENJOY IT IN YOUR OWN ROOM ?" "OK." "WELL, HERE'S TO 7 FOR 7." "( train horn blowing )" "( car tires screeching )" "( people chattering )" "LISTEN, THIS LAYOUT JUST ISN'T WORKING." "WOW !" "HI, CHRISTINE." "EXCUSE ME, LADIES." "HONEY, THIS IS DOUG MENFORD." "DOUG MENFORD, THE EXPERIMENT." "DON'T WORRY, BROTHER, IT'S ALL GOOD." "I'M SORRY, DOUG, DID I MISS THE REASON FOR YOUR UNSOLICITED VISIT ?" "WELL, I--I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE" "( laughing )" "OH, SHIT !" "I'M GONNA KEEP THIS BRIEF AND PAINFUL," "MUCH LIKE OUR TIME TOGETHER." "YOUR APOLOGY IS NOT ACCEPTED." "APPARENTLY, IT AIN'T ALL GOOD." "NO, BUT I--I REALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY ONE" "EXPERIMENT ?" "I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER BRIEF IDENTITY CRISIS, OK." "I WAS HER MR. WHITE." "OOH, BAD CHOICE ON HER PART GETTING YOU." "I'M BARELY OUT OF THE BLOCKS ON DAY 2, AND I GET SCREWED BY A POLITICIAN." "THANK YOU MAYOR HODGES." "HEY, DON'T BE PATHETIC." "GET BACK IN THERE." "AND DO WHAT ?" "THROW DOWN WITH BILLY DEE ?" "REPEAT WHATEVER I SAY." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?" "I'LL BE YOUR PROMPTER, JUST SAY WHAT I SAY, VERBATIM." "YOU'RE TRYIN' TO TRICK ME ?" "DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA ?" "( Christine ) I JUST HATE THIS LAYOUT." "WE CAN DO BETTER, THAT'S ALL." "NOW WHAT ?" "I HAVE SOMETHING THAT I NEEDED TO SAY." "I'M WAITING." "( sighing )" "SO AM I." "WAITING." "For my entire life," "I've been a sexual slug." "WHAT ?" "HUH ?" "A sexual slug." "OH, OH, UM, WOW..." "UH..." "UM, AHEM." "Say it !" "CHRISTINE, UH, BELIEVE IT OR NOT," "I HAVE HAD, UH, SOME SIGNIFICANT, UH..." "UM..." "BREAKTHROUGHS RECENTLY, AND, UH, I'VE--I'VE, UM... ( man ) "AND, UM, AND, UM," TALK OR WALK !" "SPIT IT OUT, DOUG." "$1 million, Douglas !" "FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE, I'VE SORT OF BEEN A, UM" "EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A CAMPAIGN TO RUN HERE." "ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE BEEN A SEXUAL SLUG." "HA, YEAH." "And a repugnant, pompous dick." "AND A REPUGNANT, POMPOUS GUY." "Dick." "DICK." "DICK ?" "WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A DICK ?" "NO, I WAS A DICK." "YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN." "OH, I'M LOVIN' THIS." "THIS IS FASCINATING." "UM, UH..." "KEEP GOIN' !" "UM, UM, LET'S GO." "I recently had an epiphany." "WAIT !" "RECENTLY, I HAD A-AN EPIPHANY." "EPIPHANY ?" "NOW, THAT'S A GOOD ONE." "COME ON, COME ON !" "YEAH, I--I DISRESPECTED YOU AND" "And I saw your skin color as just another conquest." "I NEVER SAID THAT." "SAID WHAT ?" "( sighing )" "I SAW YOUR SKIN COLOR AS JUST ANOTHER CONQUEST." "( grunting )" "AND I WAS WRONG, AND I BEG YOUR FORGIVENESS." "WOW," "THAT MUST HAVE BEEN VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO SAY." "LET HIM GO, DREW." "OH, IT'S OK, LET HIM GO." "( sighing )" "OK, YOU GOT IT." "I FORGIVE YOU." "OH, THANKS." "GREAT, THANK YOU." "YOU KNOW, MY MAN, YOU BRING NEW MEANING TO THE WORD "WHITE LIE."" "HA, HA !" "VOTE FOR HODGES." "HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T BELIEVE" "ANY OF THE CRAP THAT I SAID BACK THERE." "AH, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT." "WHAT MATTERS IS THAT CHRISTINE HODGES BELIEVED IT." "MMM-HMM." "I DID YOU A FAVOR BACK THERE." "THANKS." "HERE WE GO !" "CUTTING AND SEPARATING." "CUTTING AND SEPARATING." "I LIKE THINGS NEAT AND IN THEIR PROPER PLACE." "THE PROPER PLACE FOR FOOD IS IN YOUR STOMACH, OK ?" "NOT MARCHING AROUND YOUR PLATE, SINGLE FILE." "THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR SELF-RESTRAINT, YOU KNOW." "SOMETIMES EVEN SELF-DENIAL." "REALLY ?" "IS THAT WHAT YOUR HUSBAND BELIEVES ?" "WHAT, ARE YOU BOTH MONKS ?" "( slurping )" "AH." "( Doug ) 2 THINGS COME TO MIND RIGHT NOW." "ONE, EVERY MAN HAS THAT CERTAIN" "SEXUAL PARTNER WHO STANDS ABOVE ALL THE REST." "FOR ME, IT WAS ANGEL." "( camera clicking )" "AND 2," "I LOVE BREASTS." "( people chattering )" "WH-WH-WHOA, WAIT !" "All right, everybody, take a break." "ANGEL HAS TO BE WHO SHE IS." "GIVE HER A MOMENT." "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT AGENCY SENT YOU ?" "OH, NO." "I'M--I'M NOT FROM AN AGENCY." "IT'S ME, DOUG, DOUG MENFORD." "THEY USED TO CALL ME DAWG." "OK, LOOK, DIG DAWG, DOUG." "SECURITY IS JUST A SHOUT AWAY, SO DON'T MESS WITH ME." "OH, NO, NO, NO." "YOU--YOU AND I USED TO BE INVOLVED." "YOU KNOW, SEXUALLY ?" "( all laughing )" "WELL, YOU ACTUALLY TOLD ME THAT I WAS ONE OF THE BEST YOU EVER HAD." "WAS I DRUNK ?" "I DON'T THINK SO." "( eagle screeching )" "I HOPE YOU FUCK AS GOOD AS YOU SELL." "GOOD GOD !" "OK, GUYS." "( people chattering )" "Ok, everybody, you know the drill." "That's an Angel-5." "( man ) THAT'S GREAT." "OH, MAN." "OH, SOME PLACE YOU GOT HERE." "MMM-HMM." "WHO ARE THOSE GUYS ?" "JUST FRIENDS." "( grunting )" "NOW SHUT UP AND ENJOY." "( giggling )" "MAGIC HANDS, GONNA GET YOU GOING." "( moaning )" "YOU LIKE THAT ?" "OH, YEAH." "( Doug moaning )" "OH, YEAH." "OOH." "( groaning )" "WHAT'S WRONG, BABY ?" "( Doug ) Oh, nothing, it's great." "It's great." "( sighing )" "OK, ARE YOU SURE NOTHIN'S WRONG ?" "YEAH, YEAH, OH." "Yeah, oh, yeah." "OH, YEAH." "OH, YEAH." "AH." "OK, LOOK, IS HE GONNA COOPERATE OR NOT ?" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Uh, yeah, oh, yeah." "YEAH, OH, YEAH." "OOH, YEAH." "YEAH." "( man ) 2-minute warning, everybody. 2 minutes." "( sighing )" "OH." "I, UH, THIS--THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE." "SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T PERFORM UNDER PRESSURE." "UH, BIGGIE DIG DAWG DOUG, I FORGIVE YOU." "FUCK !" "( bird cawing )" "( sighing )" "GO AHEAD, TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT." "HEY, I NEVER HIT A MAN WHEN HE'S DOWN." "COME ON, LET'S JUST DRIVE." "OOH, LOOK," "THERE'S A CHAPTER HERE ON IMPOTENCE." "MMM..." "HEY !" "HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ?" "HEY !" "( grunting )" "( sighing )" "( urinating )" "( zipping )" "( sighing )" "AH !" "FEELING BETTER ?" "MUCH." "ME, TOO." "( All Right Now by Free playing )" "♪ OH, OH, OH ♪" "( tires screeching )" "♪ THERE SHE STOOD IN THE STREET ♪" "♪ SMILING FROM HER HEAD TO HER FEET ♪" "♪ I SAID, HEY ♪" "OK, TURN RIGHT." "RIGHT ?" "YEAH." "YOU SURE ?" "POSITIVE." "OK." "DO YOU EVER STOP EATING ?" "NOPE." "PERFECTLY NORMAL BODILY FUNCTION." "OR DON'T YOU HAVE THOSE ?" "LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T FIND A BATHROOM, I MAY HAVE ONE RIGHT HERE AND NOW." "♪ LET'S MOVE BEFORE THEY RAISE THE PARKING RATE ♪" "♪ ALL RIGHT NOW ♪" "HOW'S IT GOIN' ?" "YOU EVER TRIED STANDING UP ?" "IT'S EASIER." "MORE NATURAL, TOO." "♪ ALL RIGHT NOW, BABY, IT'S ALL RIGHT NOW ♪" "YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S FACE IT." "WE ARE INSANELY LOST." "NO, WE'RE NOT." "WELL, IF WE'RE NOT LOST, HOW COME WE'VE PASSED" "THAT SAME LITTLE PILE OF STONES 80 TIMES ?" "WE HAVEN'T." "LOOK, IT SAYS IN THE MAP THAT WE" "OH," "DON'T TELL ME WE'RE IN THE "MEN DON'T READ MAPS" PHASE." "NO, WE DON'T." "AND MEN ALSO DON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS." "NO, WE DON'T." "WE GIVE DIRECTIONS TO WOMEN WHO ASK FOR THEM, OK ?" "THAT'S PATHETIC." "LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU, OK, ALL RIGHT ?" "A MAN IS A CLEAN, STRAIGHT LINE." "A WOMAN IS A WIGGLY CIRCLE, ALL RIGHT ?" "WE HAVE A REAL ONE-ON-ONE RELATIONSHIP" "WITH REAL OBJECTS IN THE REAL WORLD, ALL RIGHT ?" "WE HAVE TOOLS, YOU HAVE BOOKS." "WE BUILD, YOU WATCH." "CASE CLOSED !" "( tire bursting )" "MR. MENFORD." "YEAH." "CAN I ASK YOU A WIGGLY QUESTION ?" "SURE." "DOES A FLAT TIRE QUALIFY AS A REAL OBJECT IN A REAL WORLD ?" "AHEM." "( phone beeping )" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?" "I'M CALLING A.A.A., OK ?" "DON'T BE SO RIDICULOUS." "HANG UP." "WHAT ?" "HANG UP." "YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA ?" "AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO." "I THINK THAT'S SUPPOSED TO..." "AHEM." "( car doors closing )" "ONWARDS." "GOOD NIGHT !" "SEE YOU IN THE MORNING." "YEAH ?" "HAVE YOU SEEN MY LUGGAGE ?" "NO." "HEY, YOU'RE A NATURAL MAN, GO NAKED !" "HI." "HI." "MY NAME IS DOUG." "WHAT'S YOURS ?" "LINDSAY ANNE WICKMAN." "WOW, COOL NAME." "THANK YOU." "YOU WANT SOME HELP ?" "SURE." "MAY I COME OVER ?" "OK." "OK." "YOU CAN HOLD THIS." "ALL RIGHT." "YOU'RE SPILLING THEM." "OH !" "I DIDN'T REALIZE THE TOP WAS ALL OPEN." "SORRY ABOUT THAT." "I JUST" "OK." "THAT'S MOST OF THEM." "MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GIVE THAT BACK TO YOU." "IT'S OK, I FORGIVE YOU." "THANKS." "SO WHOSE GARDEN IS THIS ?" "Mine, but it used to be my mommy's." "IS HER NAME EMMA ?" "YES." "AND WHERE IS SHE ?" "SHE DIED." "Where's your dad ?" "I DON'T HAVE A DAD." "( Anna ) You ok ?" "HOW OLD ARE YOU, LINDSAY ?" "8." "AND WHAT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY ?" "APRIL 13." "1992." "HOW DID YOU KNOW ?" "WHO LIVES HERE WITH YOU ?" "MY GRANDMA." "( door opening )" "( Mrs. Wickman ) WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING ?" "YOU ARE TRESPASSING." "LINDSAY, YOU GET INSIDE, RIGHT NOW." "EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO, UH, SPEAK WITH YOU." "WHO ARE YOU ?" "MY NAME IS DOUG MENFORD." "I--I KNEW EMMA." "OH." "I'M SORRY, WE'RE BUSY." "( birds chirping )" "( door closing )" "WHAT HAPPENED BACK THERE ?" "I THINK THAT LITTLE GIRL IS MINE." "I THINK IF SHE WERE, HER MOTHER WOULD LET YOU KNOW." "I'M NOT GOING TO COUNT THIS ONE." "COME ON, 2 MORE TO GO." "( engine starting )" "( door opening )" "( door slamming )" "HELLO ?" "HELLO ?" "( man on P.A. ) We don't open till 10:00." "UH, IS ERICA HERE ?" "Erica ?" "( laughing )" "That's very funny." "Uh, Erica, you got a visitor." "IS SHE HERE ?" "DROP THE "A."" "( Doug ) HUH ?" "I SAID, DROP THE "A."" "FROM WHAT ?" ""ERICA."" "( sighing )" "ERIC KOYLE." "ERIC ?" "WELCOME TO MY CLUB, DOUG." "I THINK I, UH, NEED TO SIT DOWN." "YEAH, SURE." "HEY !" "HEY, KILL THE LIGHTS, LOU." "YOU GOT THE POOR THING ALL SHAKY." "YOU WANT A BEER OR SOMETHING ?" "YOU KNOW, NIGHT CLUB AND BAR" "VOTED THIS PLACE NUMBER ONE IN SACRAMENTO." "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT ?" "GOD !" "IT'S FUCKIN' SURPRISING," "ESPECIALLY IN THIS RIGHT-WING TOWN WE LIVE IN." "( laughing )" "GOD, I CANNOT GET OVER HOW GOOD YOU LOOK." "LIKE A MILLION BUCKS." "YOU KNOW, DOUG, YOU ARE STILL A HOT PIECE OF ASS," "AFTER ALL THESE YEARS." "( dance music playing )" "W-WHAT'S THE DEAL ?" "DO YOU" " DO YOU" " NOW YOU LIKE WOMEN ?" "YEAH, SOME ARE COOL." "AND--AND YOU ALSO LIKE MEN ?" "I MEAN, I LIKED MEN BEFORE." "THERE'S REALLY NO REASON TO STOP NOW." "YEAH." "L-LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING." "OH, NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME." "DON'T TELL ME." "LET ME GUESS." "YOU WANNA GO THROUGH WITH IT, RIGHT ?" "YEAH." "OK, LOOK, DOUG, I WAS SICK OF BEING A FUCKING DOORMAT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES !" "I MEAN, YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, SHOULD KNOW THIS." "LET'S LEAVE ERICA OUT OF THIS, RIGHT." "THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME." "I GOT AN IDEA." "WHAT ?" "YOU WANNA SEE IT ?" "SEE WHAT ?" "MY BRAND-NEW DICK." "NOT REALLY." "NO." "OH, COME ON." "IT'S A REAL CONVERSATION PIECE, DOUG." "NO, NO, NO." "COME ON, DOUG." "NO WAY." "I REALLY DROPPED A LOT OF COIN ON THIS DICK." "HEY, LOU !" "SPOT ME, LOU !" "DOUG." "( Doug exclaiming )" "NO." "COME ON, DOUG." "NO." "LOOK AT MY FUCKIN' DICK." "OH, GOD." "OK, YOU HAPPY NOW ?" "ISN'T IT A GOOD ONE ?" "HOW THE HELL, SHOULD I KNOW ?" "ONLY BECAUSE I USED YOUR DICK AS A MODEL." "OH, MY GOD." "( microphone buzzing )" "REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I SUCKED YOU OFF ?" "YOU KNOW, THAT WAS MY FIRST BLOWJOB EVER." "OH, GOD." "REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID TO ME WHEN I ASKED YOU HOW IT WAS ?" "LOOK" "YOU SAID, AND I QUOTE:" ""Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."" "ALL RIGHT." "I'M A LITTLE FUCKED UP NOW." "I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT'S HAPPENING." "YEAH, WHICH IS ODD, BECAUSE I'M DOING A LITTLE WONDERING MYSELF." "WHY ARE YOU HERE ?" "I THINK YOU SHOULD TELL HER THE TRUTH." "I STAND TO INHERIT A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY, IF I CAN GET" "SOME OF MY FORMER GIRLFRIENDS TO, UH, FORGIVE ME." "OH, SO THIS IS ABOUT THE MONEY ?" "I SEE, IT'S LIKE A LITTLE BIZ TRANSACTION, HUH ?" "WELL, IN THAT CASE, DOUG, LET'S LET THE NEGOTIATIONS BEGIN." "WELL, I DON'T HAVE A WHOLE LOT I CAN OFFER YOU RIGHT NOW." "OH, YES, YOU DO." "COME HERE." "CLOSER." "HEY !" "ON YOUR KNEES." "OH, GOD." "AH !" "I WANT" "I'M NOT GONNA BLOW YOU." "I WANT YOU TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR YOUR FIRST TIME, DOUG." "IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN." "EXACTLY HOW MUCH DOES THIS INHERITANCE MEAN TO YOU ?" "OH !" "UH..." "THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE." "IT'S LOOKING PRETTY BAD." "I'M" "WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE OR SOMETHING ?" "THAT'S, UH" "( clattering )" "YOU SON OF A BITCH MOTHERFUCKER." "UGH !" "WOW !" "YOU CAN REALLY THROW A PUNCH." "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ?" "FIGHT BACK !" "I CAN'T." "SHE'S A GIRL." "SHE'S NOT A GIRL !" "SHE'S A BOY." "I'M A MAN !" "I CAN'T DO IT." "WELL, IF YOU CAN'T, I CAN." "HEY !" "UGH !" "RIGHT." "YOU FORGIVE HIM." "( groaning )" "( laughing )" "UNBELIEVABLE." "( grunting )" "( sighing )" "I FUCKING FORGIVE YOU, DOUG." "SEE ?" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING SATURDAY NIGHT ?" "( muzak playing )" "( people muttering )" "COLE." "WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HADN'T COME" "AND RESCUED YOU ?" "LET'S NOT THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW." "OK." "WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE ?" "UM, VERY NEARLY HALF PAST 8:00." "SO, ONE MORE TO GO." "AND THEN I CAN FINALLY" "GET TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH MY HUSBAND." "( thunder rumbling )" "( knocking )" "( sighing )" "H-HEY !" "H-H-HEY !" "IF IT ISN'T MR. BIG-MAN-ON-CAMPUS." "HEY, BILLY, RIGHT ?" "WILLIE." "( laughing ) IT'S WILLIE." "LOOK AT" " COME ON IN HERE." "COME ON, IT'S RAINING OUT THERE." "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE." "AH, HA !" "YEAH." "SO, UH..." "YOUR SISTER AROUND ?" "OH !" "OH, OH-OH." "OH, THE BIG SHITTY CITY SUCKED ALL THE SMALL-TOWN TALK OUT OF THE BOY, HUH ?" "HUH ?" "( laughing ) YEAH." "YEAH, DARCY'S HERE." "SHE'S IN THE BACK." "CAN I TALK TO HER ?" "SURE, WILL DO, OK." "( laughing )" "( thunder rumbling )" "( sighing )" "( coughing )" "WELL, WELL, WELL." "LOOK WHO WE GOT HERE." "IT'S LITTLE DOUGIE MENFORD." "( giggling )" "WHAT A SURPRISE." "HOW ARE YOU DOING, DARCE ?" "COME OVER HERE NEXT TO ME ON THE COUCH." "COMFY, HUH ?" "I MEAN, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GOT YOUR ASS KICKED." "OH, YEAH, JUST A LITTLE SCUFFLE." "YOU STILL LOOK GREAT." "THANKS." "HOW DO I LOOK ?" "YOU LOOK, UH..." "DIFFERENT." "( coughing )" "YOU ALL RIGHT ?" "OH," "YEAH, I GOTTA CATCH MY BREATH." "( chuckling ) WHOO !" "LONG TIME NO SEE, HUH, DOUGIE." "YEAH." "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ?" "YOU KNOW, JUST AROUND." "YEAH." "WELL, THE LEAST YOU COULD'VE DONE WAS TOLD ME YOU WERE LEAVING." "WELL, I--I HAD TO GET OUT." "I" "YOU CAN'T GROW IF YOU STAY IN YOUR HOMETOWN." "I STAYED, AND I GREW PLENTY." "I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING THROUGH," "YOU KNOW, ONE OF YOUR LITTLE PHASES," "AND I LET YOU BE." "AND BY THE TIME THE NEWS GOT BACK TO ME THAT YOU MOVED, I MEAN, THAT" "THAT WAS IT, YOU WERE ALREADY A COLLEGE MAN." "I WAS TRYING TO FIND MYSELF." "DID YOU ?" "YEAH..." "SO MUCH FOR SOUL-SEARCHING, HUH ?" "Y-YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA MARRY ME." "L-LIKE AN IDIOT, I BELIEVED YOU." "I MEAN, IT WASN'T UNTIL LONG AFTER YOU MOVED AWAY" "I FOUND OUT THAT YOU'D BEEN USING ME ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL." "DARCE." "YOU KNOW," "YOU KNOW WHAT THE CRAZIEST THING IS ?" "TO THIS DAY, I MEAN, YOU ARE STILL THE ONLY PERSON I HAVE EVER LOVED." "LISTEN..." "I WAS AN ASSHOLE, OK ?" "BUT I CAN'T GO BACK AND CHANGE THAT." "I wish I could, but I can't." "YOU HURT ME." "YOU KNOW," "WHEN I THOUGHT YOU BELIEVED IN ME, I BLOSSOMED." "AND ONE KISS FROM YOU, I--I FELT I COULD FLY." "I TRIED." "I MEAN, I--I ENTERED A PERSONAL AD ONCE." "AND I ENDED UP GETTING TO KNOW A REALLY NICE GUY OVER THE TELEPHONE." "HE CAME OVER." "HE TOOK ONE LOOK AT ME." "HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE OFF HIS COAT." "AND THE SAD PART IS I WAS ONLY HALF THE WEIGHT I AM NOW." "YOU KNOW, I CAN-- I CAN ALMOST UNDERSTAND WHAT HE DID." "YOU KNOW, I MEAN, HE WAS JUST BEING HONEST," "AND I WAS THE ONE WHO STRETCHED THE TRUTH" "WHEN I DESCRIBED MYSELF OVER THE PHONE." "BUT YOU..." "YOU HAD THE MOST SOUGHT-AFTER PRIZE AT CASPER HIGH" "WHO WANTED NO ONE IN THAT SCHOOL BUT YOU." "I'M SORRY." "CAN YOU FORGIVE ME ?" "HOW ABOUT A KISS..." "JUST FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE ?" "( grunting )" "( gasping )" "FORGIVE YOU ?" "I FUCKIN' HATE YOU." "WILLIE, GET HIM OUT OF HERE !" "NOW WAIT A MINUTE" "NOW WAIT" " HEY, NO." "HEY, NO, NO." "WAIT." "WAIT, 3 LITTLE WORDS." "PLEASE FORGIVE ME." "GET HIM OUT OF HERE, NOW !" "( groaning )" "STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER !" "YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU ?" "YOU RUINED HER LIFE !" "WILLIE, I" "HEY, BUDDY, DO ME A FAVOR." "QUIT STOMPING ON PEOPLE'S HEARTS." "THEY'RE NOT ALL AS HARD AND AS EMPTY AS YOURS." "SO GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY PROPERTY, BEFORE I CALL THE COPS !" "( engine starting )" "( tires screeching )" "( glass shattering )" "( Anna ) I THINK YOU'RE THE MOST SEXIST, SHALLOW," "SELF-CENTERED MAN I'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO MEET." "( Darcy ) FORGIVE YOU ?" "I FUCKIN' HATE YOU." "( Doug ) MY NAME IS DOUG MENFORD." "I--I KNEW EMMA." "( Mrs. Wickman ) OH." "I'M SORRY, WE'RE BUSY." "( sighing )" "I THOUGHT YOU'D BE BACK." "EMMA TOLD ME ABOUT YOU BEFORE SHE DIED." "SHE TOLD ME HOW SHE'D FALLEN SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH YOU," "ADORED YOU, WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU." "AND THEN, UH, WHEN SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT," "SHE TOOK ONE LONG LOOK AT YOU." "AND SHE THOUGHT, "THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF A MAN" "THAT I WANT TO HAVE RAISE MY CHILD."" "( sobbing )" "HELLO ?" "ARE YOU OK ?" "I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME." "AH..." "WELL, IF I MIGHT SAY SOMETHING," "I THINK THAT DEEP DOWN INSIDE," "YOU NOW TRULY BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE A DICK," "AND THAT MAKES YOU FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT YOURSELF." "THAT STUFF YOU HAD ME SAY TO CHRISTINE IS ACTUALLY TRUE." "( sighing )" "I KNOW THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS MINE." "I WAS WITH HER MOTHER THE WHOLE SUMMER OF '91." "SHE GOT PREGNANT." "SHE HAD OUR BABY AND DECIDED NOT TO TELL ME ABOUT IT." "WHAT DOES THAT SAY ?" "IT SAYS "LOSER."" ""DEADBEAT."" "I'M GOING TO STEP OUTSIDE MY LEGAL CAPACITY FOR A MOMENT, OK ?" "YOUR GRANDMOTHER TRUSTED ME TO EXECUTE HER ESTATE," "SO I THINK SHE TRUSTS ME TO MAKE A JUDGMENT CALL HERE." "YOU'VE HAD YOUR TEETH KICKED IN ON THIS TRIP." "BUT I THINK YOU'VE LEARNED THE SORT OF LESSON" "YOUR GRANDMOTHER WANTED YOU TO LEARN." "THE MILLION DOLLARS IS YOURS." "REALLY ?" "YEAH." "YOU'VE EARNED IT." "IN FACT, I THINK YOU DESERVE IT." "THANK YOU." "THAT'S REALLY NICE OF YOU." "IT'S MY PLEASURE." "WHAT ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND ?" "I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HE WAS MARKED DOWN TO $4.99" "BACK AT THE DRUGSTORE." "I KEEP THAT PHOTO TO SHIELD MYSELF FROM UNWANTED ADVANCES." "LIKE THIS ONE ?" "YES." "( elevator bell dinging )" "( door clicking )" "HI." "HI." "THOSE ARE FOR YOU." "THANK YOU." "UM..." "TAKE A SEAT, MR. MENFORD, PLEASE." "THAT'S A LITTLE FORMAL, ISN'T IT ?" "AHEM." "THERE IS NO MILLION DOLLARS." "WHAT ?" "THERE'S NO INHERITANCE." "THERE NEVER WAS ONE." "DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ?" "NO." "YOU BEFRIENDED ME FOR AN ENTIRE SEMESTER," "AND MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU," "JUST SO YOU COULD GET INTO SOME DICK-FEST ORGANIZATION." "MY FRIEND FOUND THIS" "ON THE SCORE DU JOUR BULLETIN BOARD IN YOUR FRAT HOUSE." "OK, THAT WAS" " THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO." "I'VE--I'VE CHANGED." "IT'S WAY TOO LATE FOR YOU TO BE SORRY." "I WAS A FRESHMAN." "I HAD NO FRIENDS." "AND YOU CAME ALONG, AND YOU TURNED ON YOUR CHARM" "AND MADE ME FEEL LIKE THE LUCKIEST GIRL ON CAMPUS." "LOOK." "IT WAS A-- IT WAS A DIRTY TRICK, AND I'M TRULY, TRULY SORRY." "YOU RUINED MY 4 COLLEGE YEARS FOR ME," "AND I NEVER GOT OVER THE HUMILIATION OF THAT." "I VOWED THAT ONE DAY I WOULD FIND YOU" "AND MAKE YOU FEEL AS BAD AS YOU MADE ME FEEL." "WHAT ABOUT FRIDAY NIGHT ?" "I MEAN, DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU ?" "OH, WELL..." "I SHOULD THINK THAT YOU, MORE THAN ANYONE," "KNOWS THE MEANING OF THE WORDS "ONE-NIGHT STAND."" "( sighing )" "YOU PLANNED THIS ?" "THAT'S SAD." "LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING." "AHEM." "DO YOU THINK YOU COULD FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME ?" "FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME ?" "NEVER." "WELL, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH," "I FORGIVE YOU." "( door closing )" "( carousel music playing )" "SO, DID YOU LIKE YOUR HORSE ?" "YEAH." "WAS HE FAST ?" "UH-HUH." "GOOD." "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR SUPPER ?" "PIZZA." "C-CAN YOU EXCUSE ME FOR 2 SECS ?" "HI." "HI." "I SEE YOU GOT HER." "OH, YEAH, MORE-- MORE LIKE SHE'S GOT ME, THANKS TO YOU." "OH !" "HEY, LINDSAY." "I'M ANNA." "ANNA THE LAWYER ?" "YEAH !" "MY DADDY TALKS ABOUT YOU." "REALLY ?" "WHAT DOES HE SAY ?" "HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE SMART," "AND SMART WOMEN ALWAYS WIN." "I DIDN'T SAY THAT THEY WIN." "I SAID THAT THEY USUALLY GET WHAT THEY WANT." "YEAH, BUT SOMETIMES WHEN THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT," "THEY REALIZE THEY DON'T ACTUALLY WANT IT ANYMORE." "WE SHOULD GET GOING." "YEAH, UM..." "MAYBE SEE YOU AROUND." "MAYBE." "BYE, LINDSAY." "BYE, ANNA." "WHAT ?" "IT'S OK." "OK." "( director chattering )" "OK." "( director ) AND, READY ?" "KEEP GOING." "IT'S OK, IT'S OK, GET DOWN, GET DOWN." "AND ACTION." "♪ WASTIN' TIME ♪" "♪ I TAKE IT FOR GRANTED AND SMILE ♪" "♪ THAT WAY I WON'T LET IT BURN ME DOWN ♪" "CAN I GET A COUPLE OF THOSE, UH..." "I'M SORRY." "CAN WE START THAT AGAIN ?" "ATTITUDE." "( director ) A BETTER ATTACK, YES." "READY ?" "GIVE HER THE CUE, DENIS." "( Denis Leary ) GET OUT OF THAT GODDAMN FRAME !" "GET OUT OF THERE." "READY ?" "♪ THEY'RE NEVER GONNA LET YOU HAVE YOU TURN ♪" "♪ YOU'D MIGHT AS WELL TALK TO A WALL ♪" "♪ THAT'S WHEN I STEP TO THE SIDE ♪" "WHY DID YOU DO THAT ?" "HMM," "I'VE KISSED BETTER." "OH, DAMN." "( man ) CUT, CUT." "( director ) ROLL TAPE." "♪ SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO WALK AWAY ♪" "( grunting )" "( Denis grunting )" "( director ) DIALOGUE ?" "( Denis ) OH, OK, READY ?" "( panting )" "DIALOGUE, YOU READY ?" "( director ) DIALOGUE." "OK, OK, READY ?" "GO !" "I'M VERY COMMITTED, YES." "♪ JERKS MAY COME AND JERKS MAKE GO ♪" "♪ THEN EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE ♪" "♪ AND WHAT THEY KNOW AND WHAT THEY SEE DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT MUCH TO ME ♪" "♪ I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME ♪" "YEAH." "( director ) NO LAUGHING." "I KNOW, I DROPPED MY KEYS." "♪ I TOOK AN EMOTIONAL DIVE ♪" "♪ BUT I'M THROUGH HANGIN' OUT WITH THE CLOWNS ♪" "♪ I WON'T TURN AWAY, NO, I WON'T LET 'EM BURN ME DOWN ♪" "( Denis ) IS THAT PLANE BOTHERING US OR NOT ?" "( plane engine humming )" "♪ BURN ME DOWN ♪" "♪ BURN ME DOWN ♪" "♪ WON'T LET 'EM BURN ME DOWN ♪" "DON'T CUT." "IT'S GONNA BE GREAT ONCE THE FUCKING THING GETS PAST." "♪ I WON'T LET 'EM BURN ME DOWN ♪" "YOU SHOULD TRY THEM." "FUCK." "THAT'S CUT." "Closed Captions provided by SOFTITLER"