"PALIN:" "I'm approaching the city of Gdansk from the Baltic Sea!" "This unremarkable stretch of waterway has seen two seismic events in recent history!" "0n September 1, 1 939," "World War II began over there on Westerplatte when the German warship Schleswlg-Holsteln opened fire on the Polish garrison!" "They held out very gamely, but within a matter of weeks all of Poland was overrun!" "By the end of the war the Poles had lost 20% of their population, a higher proportion than any other European country." "Even when the Nazis were finally driven out of Poland by Stalin's Red Army, things didn't really get much better!" "The Poles merely exchanged one tyranny for another!" "So it went on through the '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s until something quite remarkable happened here at the Gdansk shipyards, not 1 0 minutes by small boat from where World War II began!" "(CR0WD SH0UTING SL0GANS)" "An electrician called Lech Walesa led a series of strikes that were the beginning of the end of Communlsm In Europe." "(MEN SINGING IN P0LISH)" "Under the agreement that followed, free trade unions became legal for the first time In any of the Sovlet bloc countries." "The famous gates of what was then the Lenln Shlpyard are still decorated as they were In the days of defiance with the name of Walesa's union, Solldarlty, and his Inspiration, the Pollsh Pope John Paul II." "Lech Walesa helped maintain a fleet of electronic buggies like this one, a job which kept him In contact with workers all over the yard." "The shipyards themselves, shorn of their socialist subsidies, later went bust." "They were balled out, but the workforce today Is a shadow of what It once was." "I ask Andrej Buczkowskl, the manager," "If there's still a sense of pride about what happened here." "What do the workforce here today think about Lech Walesa?" "Well, they are very proud knowing that Mr Walesa was for a long time" "say, employed here in Gdansk shipyard, and he was trying to help afterwards while being the President of Poland, for example!" "And they still have good links and some good friendships are still maintained!" "Do they regard him as a good president?" " Definitely yes!" "Definitely yes!" " Yeah, yeah!" "Gdansk, reduced to rubble In the war, has been restored to its former glories, and ex-Presldent Walesa has been granted a grace and favour office" "In thls imposing former royal residence." "It's here that he's agreed to see me." "Few living Europeans are as Illustrlous as Lech Walesa." "Marrled to Danuta, eight children, loves computers, has a Nobel Prize, an airport named after him, a daughter doing well In Poland's Celebrity Come Dancing," "Is serious and hates small talk." "PALIN:" "Mr President, what is the best thing about your life now?" "(SPEAKING P0LISH)" "INTERPRETER:" "The best things are good food, good wine and women." "But I must remember that I am 63, so I have to watch myself." "Well, I'd like to say I'm 6 3 and much inspired!" "Thank you!" "INTERPRETER:" "Remember what Churchlll said," ""The things we like are either immoral or bad for us. "" "Comparing Poland then and now, what has improved?" "INTERPRETER:" "It depends how you look at lt, how you look at the benefits." "For me, the main benefits are freedom and democracy." "That people can travel freely, that you can go to church." "That I can be president." "Anyone can become president." "I thlnk that these things are worth dying for." "But there are other people." "For them the important thing Is jobs." "How much money they have." "They see the benefit In a different light from me." "PALIN:" "Trade made Gdansk rich." "It shows In the harmonious grace of its Dutch-lnfluenced squares." "Down by the canal, the largest medieval crane In Europe still stands, but no longer lifts." "An hour's drive away and I'm at another waterfront." "Thls Is Elblag, equally war-battered but less well restored than Gdansk." "It's the starting point for what Is to be a most remarkable journey on the Elblag-Ostroda Canal." "Our boat Is called Labedz, "the Swan"." "It's functional rather than elegant, "Ugly Duckling" might have been better." "Elther would be quite suitable as we make our way through a nature reserve of marsh and woodland that's a haven for blrd-watchers." "Oh, he's found one." "The canal opened In 1 872," "Just before the railway that took away most of its trade." "It has to cope with a rise of 360 feet from one end to the other." "The engineers solved the problem In a most spectacular way." "As we enter the lock, the Swan slides Into an underwater cradle." "In an engine room built beside the canal, mighty wheels are slowly powered Into action which turn a drive wheel, which turns a cable, which will slowly draw the boat, secure In its watery hammock, out of the water and up the hill." "(CABLES STRAINING)" "This is pretty remarkable because we've been dragged out of the canal onto dry land!" "It's not a lock system, it's a slipway system, and basically the boat has to be raised 1 00 metres in the course of the canal, and this is one of these locks!" "And I've never seen anything quite like this!" "So instead of just being in a water lock, you're actually taken out of the water and up the hill!" "What amazes me Is that no one bats an eyelid at the sight of a boat going up a hill." "Well, It has been doing this for 1 40 years, I suppose." "Once over the hill we're eased gently back Into the water." "Thls whole wonderful Heath Robinson process will happen four more times before they reach Ostroda." "It's amazing!" "We've come over the hill, the rails have led us up, we're now back in water again!" "We've ceased to be a railway!" "We're now a boat again!" "Extraordinary!" "Really delightful, if cumbersome, machinery raised above the countryside!" "I'm not going all the way to the end as I have to be back In Elblag for a professional engagement with a top cabaret." "Well, this could be another career break!" "I've been asked by a group called Ani Mru Mru!" "They're a Polish group, they're very popular, very successful!" "Ani Mru Mru means "Shh, Don't Worry", or something like that!" "I quite like that!" "Anyway, they know of Python, they know I'm in town and asked me to come and do a small part!" "So I'll do my best!" "I'm rushed to wardrobe to discuss my costume with one of the stars." " What do you think?" "Shorts?" " Yeah, it's very nice!" "I brought them with me 'cause I knew they'd come in useful somewhere on my trip to Poland!" "Yeah, yeah, they are very nice!" " From Milan?" " From Milan, yeah, yeah!" "Especially with a hole like that!" "Sort of Jean-Paul Gaultier!" "Jean-Paul Gaultier, yeah!" "You know, it's like a codpiece coming out of your hip!" " Yeah, looks like it!" " PALIN:" "Yeah, kind of weird!" "PALIN:" "When you do these shows, is the humour satirical?" "I mean, what makes the audience laugh?" "MAN:" "You never, you never know!" "It's like a!" "Well, you know Monty Python." "You must have seen it!" "Yeah, I know it!" "Lots of people in Poland know you!" "(PALIN CHUCKLING)" "PALIN:" "And now joining a Polish group!" "So there, Cleese, Idle, Jones and the other one!" "(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)" "I've been given the role of a flve-year-old boy." "A big test for any method actor." "0h, dear!" "I still can't decide!" "That's too grown-up!" "That's too silly!" "I suppose silly is what it's all about!" "0h, dear!" "Maybe, I don't know!" "(SPEAKING P0LISH)" "(PE0PLE LAUGHING)" "(APPLAUSE)" "Anyway, darlings, if you'd just give me a moment!" "Give me a moment!" "Just give me a moment!" "Yes!" "I'm ready!" "The sketch Is a satire on pop stars who use sweet little children In their act." "(SINGING IN P0LISH)" "I've modelled my performance on the theme of over-excltement and Incontinence." "(AUDIENCE CLAPPING IN RHYTHM)" "Fortunately, I don't know the Pollsh for 'get offi"" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "I hung around In Elblag for a while, but the phone didn't ring." "So I'm off to Warsaw." "Warsaw, the Pollsh capital, will be the mld-polnt of my journey before carrying on to Poznan, then south to Krak ow and the Slovaklan border." "Warsaw suffered dreadfully In World War II." "In his fury at the uprising of 1 944," "Hltler ordered the city removed from the map." "Over 800,000 citizens died or disappeared." "After the war, Poland's capital was rebuilt by the Communlsts." "Stalln gave this Palace of Culture to the Poles to show how much they meant to the USSR." " Did you want it?" " Apparently he gave us a choice!" "You either get a metro system or a Palace of Culture!" "We said, "Can we have a metro, please?"" "And he said, "0kay, I'll give you the palace!"" " That's how it started!" " Perverse!" "My guide Is Pollsh journalist Monlka Rlchardson." "Well, you can see, really, it sort of plonks itself right in the middle of the city, like some big alien creature!" "Do you feel that, as someone from Warsaw?" "Yes, like a scar!" "Absolutely, just cuts the city right in half!" "PALIN:" "Yeah!" "When you look out at your city from here," "I mean, do you find it a little grey and!" "Do you think it's a beautiful city?" "No, it's not a beautiful city, but it's a working city!" "I have a lot of respect for it!" "It's a good down-to-earth city of people who have busy lives!" "PALIN:" "Yeah!" "I mean, you get a great view of the city without having to see the Palace of Culture!" " I suppose in that way it's better!" " A blessing in disguise!" "!" "Being in it than being out there looking at it!" "Absolutely!" "It's an awful place!" "PALIN:" "Well, it's got a certain grandeur!" "An edifice like this brings to mind some sort of form of architectural imperialism plonked down to dominate the subjugated people!" "RICHARDS0N:" "Very true, but it's become a symbol of Warsaw whether we're happy about this or not!" "Just like the fact that Warsaw is such an old, new city!" "PALIN:" "An old, new city!" "Yeah, that's a good way of seeing it!" "So it's kind of like an Eiffel Tower, in a sense," " It's on all the postcards!" " It is!" "PALIN:" "Love it or loathe it!" "RICHARDS0N:" "This is the Congress Hall!" "This is where the Communist Party would have its congresses every so many years just to explain to people why things haven't turned out just quite as beautifully as they were going to!" "So all the delegates would be sitting here from all over Poland and the leaders would be up there talking for hours on end and people sort of dozing away as it's all televised live for days and days!" "The irony is that people like Bob Dylan have come and performed here now, and I'm sure that they knew nothing about the history of this place!" "Yeah!" "It reflects the history and, of course, a few days ago, this was Miss World!" " I know!" " Took place on the same stage that these fiery Communist leaders would have given their rhetoric!" "How bizarre!" " What would Stalin make of that?" " I'm sure he's turning in his grave!" "PALIN: 0h!" "That would make a sound!" "That would be a sort of 1 0!" "6 on the Richter scale," "Stalin turning in his grave!" "MAN 0N TV:" "Left In the wake of the onrushing Reds" "Is the ruined city of Warsaw, scene of an Indescrlbable flve-year reign of terror." "But at last, the exiled population, those still alive, are able to return to the shells of their former homes, for once more the Pollsh flag flies over Warsaw." "It is remarkable that this was rebuilt after the war!" " This is!" " This was complete rubble!" "This has been built in my lifetime rather than 300 years ago!" "Yes, it was!" "It was rebuilt to the exact specifications of the way it had been in the 1 8th century rather than directly after the war, because for some reason the architects decided that the 1 8th century was when the old town in Warsaw was at its biggest glory," "its highest glory, and that's how they did it!" "But, in a sense, it's completely artificial!" "It was supposed to be very beautiful, wasn't it, Warsaw?" " People compared it with Paris!" " Yes!" "Round here it's really lovely!" "RICHARDS0N:" "Actually, it's a testimony to the amazing effort of those people who, in 1 945, '46, decided to actually keep this the capital of Poland, which wasn't, if you think about it, all that obvious at all!" "Eighty-five percent of it was in rubble!" "Do you think places like this, these squares that have been beautifully restored, is that sort of helping to remind Poland of a past, a golden past?" "Because after all, there was a time when Poland was a big player in Europe!" " An empire!" " Much bigger than Russia or Germany!" " Do people hark back to that?" " No!" "And I think I can see where you're coming from asking that question, but no, I don't think we've got any illusions of grandeur, past or present, or future dreams of it!" "I think we just want to be taken seriously as a nation that's a force in Europe, as a nation that's got a fantastic history to it!" "As a brave nation that, however, has something to offer here and now, rather than being a martyr for generations and generations!" "PALIN:" "Plenty of Poles have come to work In the UK, but I'm off to meet an Engllshman who's happier working In Poland." "He's a Cockney called Kevln Alston." "He came here 1 5 years ago, without a visa, doing whatever jobs he could find and picking up the language along the way." "He's ended up In the Pollsh Flre Brlgade." "And when I got the hang of the Polish language and I felt confident enough," "I knocked on the doors of the Polish Fire Brigade and said, "Hi, I want to be a fireman!" "Can I?"" "Passed all the tests and everything and they said, "Sure, come on in!"" "And today I'm a section leader in the Polish Fire Brigade!" "You say lightly that, "0h, I learnt the language,"" "but it must have been very, very difficult!" "I find it a very difficult language indeed, with the z's and the c's!" "Polish actually is amongst five of the most difficult languages in the world, and I don't know how I've done it!" "How did you do it?" "Did you do it from books?" " No books!" " 0r just over a pint with a guy?" "At one point, Michael, over about!" "I wouldn't even like to think about it, 'cause I'm sure I've drunk a car learning this Polish language!" "But the best way to learn Polish, really, is to buy a beer, buy the Polish guy a beer, sit down and chat with him!" "How similar are the Poles to the English, or how different?" "0h, they're very different!" "I wouldn't say similar, they're not similar at all!" "They're very, very, very opposite I would say, but they are opposites which attract, really!" "The Poles like the English!" "The English like the Poles!" "Poles, for example, they're very gallant, if you're talking about women!" "They kiss women on the hand for hello and goodbye!" "An English guy does, "0h, hi!" "How do you do?"" "So it's a little bit cold and stuff!" "The Poles are very hospitable!" "If you go to their house, they'll empty out the whole fridge and knock on the neighbour's door to get their fridge emptied to put on their table in order to entertain you!" "I mean, what about your love life here, if it's not a rude question?" " Were girls easy to meet?" " Yes!" "Yes, I did!" "When I came out here I was 21, 22!" "Not married!" "The Polish women are really beautiful, they really are!" "Also very hospitable!" "They love English!" "They love the Englishmen as well, not really the language!" "But I'm married, so I can't say too much now!" "'Cause I'm sure my wife's going to watch this film!" "I'm married to a Polish woman!" "Building a house now in the forest, which is coming up very nicely!" "I would not be able to do that in Great Britain, I'm sure of it!" "And we have a lovely daughter, whose name, by the way, is Chelsea!" "So there's a nice piece of like English heritage still being implanted in Poland and it is being raised!" "So, in Poland!" "I've still got Great Britain close to my heart and everything even though I am a long way away!" "But I would say this one thing for the Poles that are in my country is that I hope that Great Britain treats them as well as Poland has treated me here!" "That's the best that I could ever wish them, really!" "There's something I've always wanted to do." " Michael!" " I don't like these gates!" "They look very serious!" " This one is quite serious!" " 0h, it's a long way down from here!" "It certainly looks a lot further from here than it does the other way round!" "But we're going to get you down there, Michael, and we're going to get you down there safely!" "What you got to do on this zesllzg, in Polish, is a "fire pole", is first, let me put it!" "Throw that into your shoulder!" "Throw that into your shoulder, here, here!" "Do not hold it with your hands 'cause you'll burn them going down!" "Do it with your sleeves!" "0ne leg, two legs and you go!" " You got it?" " 0h, you nearly went then!" " Nearly!" "I'll go after you!" " 0kay!" "All right, so, in like that!" " Throw into your shoulder!" " And then arms like that!" " That's it!" " Then one around and then the other" " And then you!" " Go down, let gravity take you!" "That's brilliant!" "That's more!" "Whoa!" " Not so bad, huh?" " 0w!" "0h, it's like sandpaper!" " Now let go of the pole, Michael!" " Let go of the pole?" " Yes!" " Ah, I don't take it with me?" " How was that?" "Deux points?" " Absolument Mont Blancl" "So simple!" "I can't walt to try It again." "(ALARM S0UNDING)" "(MAN SPEAKING P0LISH 0VER PA)" "And this could be my chance." "(SIRENS WAILING)" "Wait!" "Hang on!" "I eventually catch up with Kevln at Pollsh Televlslon, where he's something of a star." "He says he can get me on a top morning TVshow." "Thls could be the break I've been waiting for." "(SPEAKING P0LISH)" "(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "He thinks It would be a good wheeze to test my Pollsh pronunciation on camera." "(SPEAKING P0LISH)" "We're going to be on after an item about ladies' hairdressing." "Back In make-up, I ask Kevln how on earth he got Into all this." "Right, I signed a contract for three episodes!" " What of?" "A comedy show?" " Yeah, yeah!" "And that was four years ago!" "0n Friday we're recording the 1 00th episode!" " Amazing!" "Do you do stage stuff as well?" " Yeah!" "Standup comedy as well!" " In Polish to the Polish audience?" " Yeah!" "My hero in Great Britain," " Heroes, are Jimmy Jones!" " Jimmy Jones!" " Roy 'Chubby' Brown?" " No, Lee Evans!" "Lee Evans!" "I love Lee Evans!" "MAN:" "So let's go to the studio?" " Shall we go, Michael?" " We're done?" "0kay!" "(SPEAKING P0LISH)" " PALIN:" "Pleased to meet you!" " This is my honour, really!" "I never thought I can shake your hand, because you've created my sense of humour, really!" " PALIN:" "Really?" " That's it!" " PALIN:" "Is that a good thing?" " So it's your fault!" "(SPEAKING P0LISH)" "Thank you for being here with us!" "(SPEAKING P0LISH)" "AIST0N:" "So we're going to try and do some Polish!" " 0kay, "jak tam"!" " Very good!" "(LAUGHING)" ""Kos-way-cha!"" "(PALIN C0UGHING L0UDLY) 0h, that's a difficult one!" " "Jak lechi"?" " Very good!" "It's your handwriting that's so bad!" ""Kwan-yan zee"!" " Very!" "Almost, almost! "Klanlam sie"." " Ah, yes!" "This is going to be one of your favourites!" "Look at that one!" "Show this to the camera first!" "Show this to the camera!" "All right, we've got this!" "What is that, Michael?" "Er!" "T-sheem-kai!" "Close!" "Trzymkal." " Can he just say goodbye to the viewers?" " 0f course!" " Right here!" " Pa pa." " Pa pa." " Pa pa." "PALIN:" "Thank you!" "AIST0N:" "Thank you, Michael!" "0h, dear, now it's just back to normal life!" "The moment of glory is over!" "Polish television conquered!" "Tomorrow the world!" "The world In thls case being the Great European Plaln, where Poland was forged over a thousand years ago." "It grew strong and successful until the Russlans, the Austrlans and then the Germans swallowed up their land." "It's only now, In the new Europe, that Poland Is regaining its stability, confidence and its history." "Poznan Is another plcture-postcard piece of restoration." "Its old square, where past meets the present," "Is the perfect place to watch the world go by and sort out the mobile phone offers." "No, no, no!" "The thing is I was on your 2-for-1 and now I want to change to the 4-for-3, which is tariff 5!" "So, I want 4-for-3 and tariff 5 and I'm going onto Czestochowa and then Krakow, southern Poland, so I believe that changes to the special offer then, which is like!" "And I only want it for a week then!" "I don't want it for the full three months!" "Can you!" "I see, that would be!" "Ah, oh, do you?" "Ah, well, that's interesting!" "That's interesting!" "0kay, right!" "So this is the 1 0-for-1!" "That's wonderful!" "And that's only in this part!" "0h, right!" "That's in where?" "That's in Moscow!" "No, well, I'm not!" "I'm not going to Moscow!" "But that's a fantastic rate!" "1 0-for-1, I think I might go to Moscow!" "I'll have a word with the director, anyway!" "Yeah!" "The highlight here Is the midday display on the town hall clock." "It commemorates a legend by which two rams, or Is It goats," "locked horns outside the town hall, alerting everyone to the fact that It was on fire at the time." "So if I'm on the tariff where I just!" "Thls Is something not to be missed." "!" "Between 2 am and 4!" "I'm sorry, sorry!" "I've got to stop now!" "Two rams are coming out!" "(BELL CLANGING)" "Buttlng completed, the rams or goats retire till midday tomorrow." "I wouldn't say the place was gripped with excitement, but It's given everyone something to do apart from shopping." "And I've got a terrific deal from Japanese telecom." "Poznan Central Statlon." "The 8.:58 to Wolsztyn prepares to leave with a very new driver." "Well, this is it!" "This is the mighty, oily beast that I shall be driving, and I've got the outfit!" "I might look a bit like a gents' hairdresser, but this is actually the PKP drivers' jacket," "PKP meaning Polish Regional Railway, and the great thing is this is a scheduled service!" "There will be passengers on board!" "They haven't been told that a member of a comedy troupe from England is actually going to be driving!" "Probably just as well!" "Anyway, I can't wait to get on, so here we go!" "See you later!" "Engllshman Bob Wyatt was one of the Insplratlons behind a very bold operation, an Anglo-Pollsh englne-drlvlng school." " Good morning!" " Michael!" " Janos!" " Janos, okay, great!" "Thank you!" "So!" " Michael, you'll drive to Wolsztyn?" " So I'm told!" "If you'll let me drive to Wolsztyn!" "It seems a dangerously big thing for me to be in charge of, so!" " Don't worry!" " 0kay!" "I could also be a fireman if I want to, so I'm being allowed to practise getting the coal on!" "(LAUGHS)" "That's why you have to practise!" "It's 8.:58 and as the commuters pour Into Poznan, It's time to go." "The regulator goes down!" "There's always a bit of a gap between the regulator moving and the train moving off!" "And there we are!" "Crowds streaming into Poznan!" "Now I'd better just concentrate!" "Thls Isn't Thomas the Tank Engine, this Is the real thing on a real railway." "(WHISTLE BL0WING)" "Wlth real passengers." "Once we're clear of the main line, Janos puts me Into the driving seat." " Is that a station ahead?" " Yes, little brake!" " Yeah!" " Little brake!" "All right, It's not Grand Central, but It's my first station." "I'm rather proud of lt." "(STEAM HISSING)" "JAN0S:" "Beautiful!" "(BRAKES SCREECHING)" "0h, yeah!" "This is just stopping, you know!" " MAN:" "Stopping, stopping?" " Stopping!" "Starting is the bit I like!" " Here!" " PALIN:" "There we go!" "Whoa!" "0kay, take that!" "PALIN:" "There we are!" "(WHISTLE BL0WING)" "I'm beginning to get the hang of it!" "(WHISTLE BL0WING)" "(WHISTLE BL0WING)" "(WHISTLE BL0WING)" "(WHISTLE BL0WING)" "(WHISTLE BL0WING)" "(LAUGHING) Whew!" "Well, we're in the depot at Wolsztyn and we're back and almost on time!" "I think we were about two minutes late!" "I mean, once you get over the actual fear of being on the footplate of this enormous hurtling bit of mass of metal," "once you get over that, it's actually very exhilarating!" "I mean, normally now we just press buttons and things happen!" "0n this you have to pull a lever, which presses a flange, which pulls another valve, which turns some wheels, and it's really hard physical work!" "So I have great, great respect for these guys!" "And, you know, I suppose they are a bit dodos, this, but it was a great, great run!" "And I do apologise to any passengers who've had heart attacks!" "We'll refund the money!" "I must go and help out greasing down the old beast!" "I always wanted to be an engine driver, and now my dream's come true." "It's going to be a real antlcllmax being a TVpresenter again." "Thls Is Jasna Gora monastery In Czestochowa, the most important religious site In a deeply religious country." "At the entrance Is the powerful figure of Cardlnal Wyszynskl, the Cathollc primate who refused to compromise with the Communlsts." "So many hundreds of thousands of pilgrims come here every year that special days have to be organised for them." "This is interesting!" "Throughout the year the various pilgrim groups have their own special days and, I mean, the year is almost packed with different groups coming in and we are!" "That's ours!" "Now, 25th to 28th!" "Kapelani W!" "P!" "Chaplains of the Polish Army!" "And that, I'm told, Lesnicy Forest Guards!" "So they all have their special day of pilgrimage!" "It doesn't say BBC!" "What they've all come to see Is the mysterious Black Madonna, a likeness of the Vlrgln Mary said to have been painted by St Luke on a beam from Jesus' home In Nazareth." "Pllgrlms process on their knees around the chapel where It's displayed." "The Madonna has been associated with some great Pollsh victories over the years and Is believed to have miraculous powers." "Monks of the Paullne order, whose monastery this Is, celebrate Mass almost nonstop throughout the day." "The climax Is always the moment when the Madonna Is revealed." "(0RGAN PLAYING)" "(PILGRIMS SINGING HYMN)" "The great moment Is announced with a drum roll." "A screen of beaten gold slowly rises." "And the Black Madonna, nestling In jewel-encrusted robes," "Is at last revealed." "My guide, Father Tomon, tells me what It means." "For the Polish people, it's meaning the Queen of Poland, Mary, was elected, proclaimed Queen of Polish nation!" "And after the martial law proclaimed by General Jaruzelski, after this period of Communism, we have this place where we were free!" "This holy icon is a sign of presence, her presence, here!" "She is here and we believe that she is as a mother, as the Queen of Polish nation, of course!" "Then the time comes for the Queen of Poland to be hidden again." "Two hours from the monastery" "Is one of the most Infamous places In Europe." "Occupled Poland was where the Nazls put their most notorious concentration camps." "Thls, one of the earliest, Is In the town of Oswleclm." "In German, Auschwltz." "Converted In 1 940 from a Pollsh army barracks," "Auschwltz I Is where the techniques of mass killing were honed." "Thls was one of the gas chambers." "And these were some of the first ovens developed to destroy, quickly and efficiently, all traces of organised murder." "In the rooms where men, women and children were Incarcerated are displays of what was found when the camp was finally liberated." "Canlsters of the killing gas Zyklon-B." "Plles of human hair." "And somehow, most moving of all for me, the bags and suitcases that once contained someone's last possessions." "And on them, the names of their owners, written In hope." "I suppose It's good that places like this are still here, with the evidence of brutality kept In good condition, but I wish I could believe that people will never be like this again." "Now here's something the Poles are proud of and which every schoolchild has to see." "A salt mine." "We start our way down to the mine, to the first level, only 64 metres, about 200 feet, below the surface!" "It will be 380 steps!" "If you look down into the shaft, you will see the way to the first level!" "It is 64 metres!" "Which is natural!" "It comes!" "People flock to the mine here at Wlellczka not just to see, well, salt, but to see what can be done with salt If you've a bit of spare time, a fair amount of talent and a lot of dedication." "For this Is where all these steps lead to." "St Klnga's Chapel, where everything, walls, floor, ceiling, even the crystal on the chandeliers, Is made out of salt." "PALIN:" "That's beautifully done, isn't it, really?" "MAN:" "It's the Last Supper!" " It's almost like a marble!" " Is it really?" "Yeah, it's hard enough!" "In order to have such smooth surfaces of faces and they could polish it by something wet!" "So that's the difference between salt carving and wood carving, that they could use the water to polish salt!" "This is the side altar of Sacred Heart of Maria!" "It's a nice salt, very clean kind of salt, very translucent!" "And then the relief called Mlracle In Cana." "Jesus changed water into wine during the party!" "It has beautiful perspective!" "It looks so deep in the wall!" "PALIN:" "It all looks so exceptional, of course, they're lucky to have the crystals, too!" "It adds that touch!" "Like the chandeliers!" "MAN:" "Yeah, really, chandeliers, they are made of salt crystals!" "0f course, the frame is wooden!" "The same crystals, they are behind the statue of Kinga!" "These are crystals of halite!" "That's the name of the mineral!" "Pure salt!" "PALIN:" "I mean, these guys who carved all this, were they artists already?" "Did they do other work or did they do any other carving?" "Any sculptures around the area?" "0r they just worked here?" " Just ordinary miners!" " They were just miners!" "Right!" "And in their spare time after their work, after their shift, they carved salt figures!" "So it wasn't done during their regular shift, just during hours after it!" "PALIN:" "So they had to do a day's work in the mines!" "MAN:" "Yes, and then after one or two hours, not every day, as a kind of a passion, they carved here!" "PALIN:" "This must have been very recent!" "MAN:" "This statue of Pope John Paul II was finished seven years ago also by the miner, by our miner!" " Very clever!" " We still have miners, they continue the tradition of carving!" "Seven of them, they do it still!" " PALIN:" "Same families, is it?" " No!" "I've reached Krak ow." "My conveyance this morning Is the Trabant." "Made In East Germany, It was the people's car of Communlst Europe." "Thank you!" "Thanks very much!" "Hello, there!" "Good morning, I'm Michael!" " PALIN:" "Let's go!" " 0h, reverse!" "PALIN:" "Great!" "Whoa!" "Among some young Poles, the humble Trabant has acquired cult status." "Entrepreneurs, like my driver Kuba Blalach, are using them to offer less conventional city tours." "Tell me about the car, Kuba, the great Trabant!" "Well, here we just got the speed meter!" "There's temperature of oil, which of course doesn't work!" "And the most tricky thing about Trabants is that it doesn't have a fuel gauge!" " There's no fuel gauge?" " Yeah, there's no fuel gauge and the gas tank is under the hood!" "So we've got the hood, the engine and the gas tank!" "The gas tank is just by the engine, you know!" "So some people claim that it's not too safe!" "And what are those over there?" "Those!" " This?" " Yeah!" " This?" " That knob, yeah!" " So this knob is to turn on the light!" " I see!" "Well, you'd better have that, because I don't know quite how to use it, where it goes!" " Well, me either, so!" " 0kay!" " We'll just!" " Yeah, we'll just!" "Keep that in your pocket for later!" " Yeah maybe!" " Yeah, I'll hang on to it for now!" " So what are the ones next to it?" " The next is for the windscreen!" " 0h, this is for lights!" " Yes, this one is for lights!" " This one is for lights!" " Ah, that's good!" " Exactly!" " Windscreen wipers, that's fine!" "But the lights doesn't work properly, so I just don't use them until it's dark, yeah, if it's too dark!" "So there's a heating, of course it's not air conditioning, just a basic heating!" "But the thing is," "I've being doing this service for the last six months," "I have no idea how it works!" "So, we don't know how it works!" "For a small car, the Trabant leaves a hell of a carbon footprint." "But Kuba seems undeterred." "It's a minor worry compared to some of his problems." "BIALACH:" "Quite often," "I mean, maybe once in a month or something like that, the wheels they fell off!" "I mean, not all of the wheels!" "It's just the one wheel, but we've got four of them and in two of them the wheels fell off three times!" "So of course it happened during the tour, so we drive the Trabant, like now, 60 or something, and suddenly, well, you are without the wheel!" "So in the middle of the road, in the middle of the traffic, and you're in big problem 'cause it's not so easy to keep it running quite straight with three wheels only!" "It's not just the car that's different on Kuba's tour." "It's the destination, the suburb called Nowa Huta built In the 1 950s as the Ideal socialist city." "BIALACH:" "So here we are, old part of Nowa Huta!" "Shape of the semi-circle, like a fan!" "I can show you few photos 'cause, well, it's good to see how big achievement it was!" "'Cause back in the '50s, so please remember, 1 949, beginning of the whole construction, first settlers, yeah!" " PALIN:" "That's just farmland!" " Just the farmland!" " PALIN:" "Just some fields!" " Exactly, green fields, nothing on it!" "But in the 1 0 years, well, take a look what they did!" "PALIN: 0h, yeah!" "We've got the central square that we can see on the map!" "It's here, and you see how grand it is!" " Very formal!" " Very formal!" "Kuba shows me the grand arcades of Nowa Huta, designed to prove that the proletariat could have a city just as beautiful as anything In snobby, prlest-rldden Krak ow." "But In the 1 980s, he tells me, It all went wrong." "Llke the shipyard workers of Gdansk, the steelworkers of Nowa Huta rose In protest, turning on the Party and looking Instead to the West." "The sight of mountain peaks comes as quite a shock after weeks on the plain." "Ahead are the Hlgh Tatras, half In Poland, half In Slovakla." "I'm In the village of Blala Tatranska, where a highland wedding Is about to take place." "(MEN SINGING)" "Two all-slnglng Masters of Ceremonles are delivering the bridegroom, a ski Instructor, to the home of his bride to be, also a ski Instructor." "He's escorted by two bridesmaids, quite possibly ski Instructors." "On arrival at the house, Marlusz Is welcomed by his bride Berthe, wearing a heavy metre-long headdress which she's not allowed to take off until the end of the wedding day." "They're serenaded Into the house and up to the bride's bedroom." "Here, amidst total lack of privacy," "Marlusz has to take off his shirt and put on one prepared by his bride." "No fumbling goes unrecorded." "0h!" "(0RGAN PLAYING)" "At some point In the day's crowded programme" "Marlusz and Berthe actually get to church and marry each other." "(PRIEST SPEAKING P0LISH)" "After the wedding I take a walk In the hills, only to find that the photographer's got them up here as well." "(PE0PLE CHATTERING IN P0LISH)" "Berthe Is being photographed with all the men she hasn't married today." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "She seems to be rather enjoying lt." "But who am I to talk?" "0h, lovely!" "I keep trying to get away, but the photographer's Insatiable." "PALIN: 0kay, legs together!" "Now the wedding action shifts, bizarrely, to the local fire station." "In small villages like this" "It's often the only place with a room big enough for a party." "(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)" "I really feel for Berthe." "Skl Instructlng must be a doddle after this." "W0MAN:" "It's very hard to dance when you are drunk!" "PALIN:" "Yeah, exactly!" "They're not doing too badly!" "Quite dainty!" "A super-charged vodka, specially bottled for this great day, keeps the 200 guests going." "And going." "Was it supposed to be a bit of a comedy performance or was it supposed to be serious?" "W0MAN:" "We also have gorzaleczka." " Gorzaleczka means wedding vodka!" " 0h, right!" "What is wedding vodka?" "Is that different from normal vodka?" "W0MAN:" "Yeah, it is much stronger, I have to say, it's almost 90%!" "PALIN:" "And this is what these people have been drinking for the last six hours?" "W0MAN:" "Yes!" "Like two bottles per head!" "PALIN:" "Wow!" "W0MAN:" "They prepared 1,600 bottles for this wedding!" "(MEN SINGING)" "PALIN:" "And they come back tomorrow, don't they, some of them?" "W0MAN:" "Tomorrow is after-party and the day after tomorrow is another after-party!" "(PALIN LAUGHS)" "They have to drink all those bottle they prepared!" "PALIN: 0h, they know how to get married, these Poles, don't they?" "I'm very happy for Marlusz and Berthe." "Thls Is a night they'll never forget." "And probably never remember." "I'm In the gorge of the Dunajec Rlver, which, after my long journey through the country, will take me out of Poland." "And as I've learnt here In the Tatras, mountain people have a special way of doing things." "(MEN SINGING)" "Well, this for me is the last of Poland!" "And I mean literally the last of Poland, because this river marks the southern border of the country!" "So it's farewell and thank you for everything to Poland, and here we come Slovakia!"