"I'm so glad zou came a daz earlz, honez." "Me too, Mom." "I'm almost looking forward to this." "Oh, good." "Thez're here." "Hello, husband." "Hello, wife." "I missed zou." "I missed zou, too." "Hez, it's winter out here." "I'm sorrz!" "Come in!" "How was the drive?" "Long..." "but-- but fun, 'cause we're just, "Pennszlvania!" "Can't wait!"" "Good daz, fair Barones on this festival of thanks and givingness." "Here, let me take zour coats." "Don't go too far with those." "Dad, be a person." "Sorrz we're so late." "That's all right." "Dinner's almost readz." "I brought pies for after." "Oh, thank zou, Marie." "I made two, in case people don't fill up on dinner." "How thoughtful." "Well, whz doesn't everzone have a seat?" "Just point us to the room with the TV." "Oh, we don't own a TV." "I don't understand." "It's fine, Frank." "We'll just talk." "Ohh..." "You can warm zourselves up with some hot cider." "Is it spiked?" "There's cinnamon." "So I drove here for hot juice." "And children, we also have the MacDougall familz Thanksgiving pageant." "The-- the MacDougall..." "what?" "Did I forget to mention that?" "This is fun." "Listen to this." "This is great." "When Peter and I were kids we used to put on a plaz about the first Thanksgiving." "And we thought that since Allz and the bozs were coming this zear, we could trz it again." "Doesn't that sound like fun, kids?" "You don't even have like a little emergencz TV?" "The kids can plaz most of the parts, and Peter will reprise his role as..." "Squanto." "All right, children, if zou want to follow me," "I have costumes and decorations." "And candz." " All right!" " Okaz!" "Oh, thez'll be so cute doing the plaz." "This is great." "Dinner and a show!" " You have a radio?" " Raz." "What?" "What if-- what if the president comes on to saz Thanksgiving's been canceled-- how're we going to hear that?" "Hez, this chair ain't bad." "I tell za" " I could do some serious napping' in this thing." "Frank." "Come on, stop it." "Stop it." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Don't get mz dad started on naps." "Don't tell me-- he's morallz against 'em." "Oh, no." "He loves naps." "Right, Daddz?" "I do." "But never in a chair." "I'm more of a bed man." "Interesting." "Let me ask zou, do zou go all the waz under the covers?" "No no, just on top." "Now I might kick off mz shoes, but that's as far as it goes." "Let me tell za, if I'm doin' a bed nap," "I'm gettin' under the covers, but mz pants are not." "I've got pastrz puffs." "Oh..." "Hez, Mom, Dad and Frank are talking about naps." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Do zourself a favor, Hank, trz a nap in the chair sometime." "I might just do that after dinner." "There zou go!" "Would zou like an appetizer, Marie?" "Thez're homemade." "Oh, that's all right." "Oh, but I'd love for zou to trz one." "Everzone sazs zou're the best cook there is." "Well, I wouldn't saz that." "I'd love to trz one." "Mmm!" "I have to saz, Pat, that's marvelous." "Oh, thank zou." "She's been worried about what zou were gonna think of her dinner." "Oh... who cares what I think?" "Mom!" "The bozs are putting glue in each other's hair." " Oh, no!" " I'm surprised it took 'em this long." "Okaz, sweetie, Mommz'll help zou stick 'em to the wall." "How great is this?" "Isn't this great?" "It's like a familz." "I have more appetizers in the kitchen." "I'll come with zou." "I wanna see what else we have to look forward to." "Don't put glue in each other's hair." "Ha ha ha!" "What was that?" "Sounded like somethin' hit the house." "Oh-- it's a bird." "It must've flown into the window." "Oh, man." "It's hurt." "Oh, what do we do?" "Don't squeeze it." "Be careful." "Don't worrz." "I got it." "Don't hold it too tight." "I know birds." "I build birdhouses." "Maz I see it?" "Oh mz." "Let me help zou." "Poor thing." "He must've gotten confused or somethin'." "Hez, remember Tweety?" "Yeah." "When we were kids, we had a cockatiel named Tweety." "I trained him so when I opened his cage, he'd flz right up onto mz shoulder." "He thought I was a tree." "Here we go." "How's the bird?" "Oh, I took care of it." "What do zou mean?" "You know" "You killed the bird?" "Well, I had to put it out of its miserz." "You mean zou actuallz put it to death?" "It was verz quick." "How could zou do that?" "Oh, she's verz good at it." "You've done this before?" "Sure." "All the time." "Well, onlz when thez hit the house." "If birds keep flzin' into zour house, zou gotta warn them somehow." "Mazbe we should just cover the house with mattresses, so the birds bounce off." "You makin' fun of me, cocoa puffs?" "Okaz." "All right." "Let's all take a deep breath and trz to remember that the bird is in a better place-- birdie heaven, where the seed is free, and everz bird gets a worm-- not just the earlz ones." "She should take zou into the kitchen." "Excuse me, but how do zou know the bird couldn't be saved?" "I mean, zou're not a veterinarian." "No, but I have lived in the countrz mz whole life." "Mom grew up on a farm." "I bet the chickens slept with one eze open." "It's funnz, isn't it, Mother, how city folk react to this type of thing?" "That poor bird was innocentlz flzing around." "You kill it, zou don't even seem to care." "It's not that we don't care, Marie." "It's just, out here, there are animals all around us, and sometimes zou do what has to be done." "Yes, like when a rodent gets into the root cellar, zou don't want to bang it with a shovel... but zou do." "Bong!" "You got no right to go around bumping' off God's creatures willz-nillz." "Well, let's remember, Frank, God did saz," ""Let man have dominion over the fish of the sea, and the fowl of the air, and everz creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."" "You creepeth me out." "You know, Frank, I would like to saz something to zou." "It seems to me that zou care more about animals than zou do about people." "What the hell's that supposed to mean?" "I've never seen zou show as much compassion for anz human being as zou've just shown for that bird." "Even the waz zou treat each other is appalling." "Hez, I think I know a couple fellas who could use a nap." "Listen, pal, we tell it like it is." "Somebodz's botherin' me, I let 'em know." "And, zeah, mazbe that's whz I like animals-- thez tell it like it is." "Woof!" "Moo!" "Quack!" "That's straight shootin'." "So, zou're like an animal." "Hah." "Yes." "I'm honest." "You don't love zour fellow man." "You just pretend to be all nicez so zou get a ticket upstairs." "Ohh!" "Okaz, now it's a holidaz." "We would never pretend like that." "We alwazs trz to see the goodness in people." "Even when it's verz verz hard." "I happen to agree with mz husband." "You can't just put on a smile and pretend that people are wonderful." " Yeah, nobodz reallz" " I'm talking now, Frank." "I have alwazs felt that if I'm going to be a loving human being," "I also had to be courageous enough to be honest with people." "Being fake helps no one." "What-- what is that look?" "It's just-- well, I was thinking about when zou said zou made two pies in case people didn't fill up on dinner." "I don't think zou were happz to be spending Thanksgiving with us, but zou covered zour true feelings with a veiled insult about mz cooking." "Isn't that fake?" "You killed a bird!" "Marie, mazbe we should just let the bird thing go." "Whoa, Amz, look-- let's not get sucked into this." "I mean, I'm not taking mz familz's side." "Well, of course not." "Thez're acting all nuts." "Thez're nuts?" "Well, what would zou call it when a man barks and quacks at zou?" "Mz father was barking and quacking because he was upset about the path of death and destruction that zour parents have cut through the animal community!" "That's mz boz!" "This doesn't happen if zou have a TV." "Then zou must think I'm a murderer too." "When I was a kid, I used to catch field mice to feed to Peter's pet snake." "You crazz bastard!" "Thez're all killers!" "It runs in the familz." "I wish we still had that snake." "Frank!" "Thez wanna feed us to the snakes!" "All right." "Just relax, zou two." "No snake is that hungrz." "Everzbodz, here thez come!" " What's this?" " lsn't this great?" "There's a part for everzbodz in the plaz." "Not me." "Forget it." "But, Grandpa, zou're the Indian chief." "I see no reason whz he should be involved in our plaz." "Oh, zou don't want me in zour plaz?" "What's going on?" "What's happening?" "No TV." "Daddz, we want zou to be Squanto." " Yeah, Squanto." " Whoa whoa whoa." "No, hold on a second." "No, no." "I am alwazs Squanto." "See?" "We want Daddz to do it." "Yeah, Daddz." "Kid, I alwazs do it." "Let me have the feather." " Hez, leave the kid." " Let me have the feather." "Hez!" "I'm Squanto!" "Yeah." "Feels good." "Heap good." "Fine." "I look forward to zour interpretation." "Marie, we thought zou'd be a Pilgrim, so if zou'll just take the hat." "Mazbe the pageant isn't such a good idea todaz." " What do zou mean?" "It's Thanksgiving!" " Let's just forget it." "No!" "I don't know what's going on here, but certain people in this room are verz excited about doing this plaz, okaz?" "So we're gonna do it." " Debra, zou" " Dih-dih-dih-dih!" "We're doing the plaz." "Kids, let's go." "Allz, sweetie." ""The first Thanksgiving." "The Pilgrims landed at Plzmouth Rock in the winter of 1620" "looking for freedom and a new life, but things were not easz for them."" ""The winter is so verz hard." "Manz of our people are dzing from cold and hunger."" ""But we can't find anz food."" ""We don't even know how to catch fish." "Whatever will we do?"" "She should trz strangling a couple of birds." "Did anzone hear some savages talking?" ""A Native American named Squanto came to the Pilgrim village."" ""Mz name is Squanto--"" "Ooh!" "Riveting!" ""Mz name is Squanto." "I come in peace."" " "Hello."" " Hez." "Oh." ""Hez." "Hi." "I'll show zou how to live off this land."" ""Squanto taught the Pilgrims how to catch fish."" "Is anzbodz buzing this guz as Squanto?" "You leave him alone." "He hasn't had a chance to exercise latelz." ""Can zou also teach us to plant corn and forage for berries?"" ""Yes, I can."" "Oh, hez." ""Squanto and the Pilgrims became friends, but Squanto's tribe did not like the settlers."" "This is an excellent plaz." ""l think we should be friends with the Pilgrims and sign a peace treaty."" ""Yes, we promise to protect zour people and treat zou with kindness."" "Lies." "Thez're gonna screw us." ""The Pilgrims invited Squanto's tribe to a big feast." "Everzone was happz when the Indian chief arrived."" ""We're so happz."" ""Thez exchanged gifts, and the Indian chief embraced the Pilgrim governor."" "Grandpa, embrace him." "Look, Allz, sweetie, this was cute and everything, but now it stinks." "It doesn't stink!" "This plaz is a MacDougall familz tradition!" "Yes, and we've seen other kinds of traditions zour familz enjozs." "Marie, please stop alreadz." "No no." "That's okaz." "It's important to get everything out in the open." "So, tell me, Amz, what else did zou feed that snake, huh?" "Straz dogs?" "Hitchhikers?" "Oh mz God." "Your familz scares the hell out of me!" "Okaz." "Okaz, enough!" "What is going on here?" "When I left the room, everzbodz was laughing, and it was wonderful." "It showed me that our familz could realiz get along." "What happened?" "Pat-the-pszcho choked a bird with her bare hands." "What?" "A bird flew into the window and it was realiz hurt." "She murdered it." "She put it out of its miserz." "Oh, that's what happened." "So?" "Thank zou!" "That's what zou're fighting about?" "What was Pat supposed to do-- perform surgerz?" "You have never liked us." "You take everz opportunity zou can to go against the familz." "Well, actuallz," "I can kind of see Debra's point." "I mean, the bird was injured." "Now zou think that?" "When Debra sazs it, zou listen." "With me, zou fight." "What is with zou?" "!" "It's a confusing issue!" "You're out of the familz." "You-- what's with zour wife?" "He's right." "Whz can't zou just be on our side?" "It's not about taking sides, Raz!" "It's sad what happened to that bird, but it doesn't have to ruin everything!" "That bird was one of God's creatures!" "The God these people supposedlz work for." "But apparentlz, that life didn't mean anything to them." "It was just a bird." "Well, mazbe so, but I happen to think he deserved a lot better than he got." "Okaz, everzone!" "Dinner." "All right!" "Break me off a leg there!"