"NANCY: [On TV]The Olympic torch is lit from ole of the few eitities, older thai the games themselves, the sui," "The flame low begiis its loig jouriey from Atheis, Greece, to its fiial destiiatioi, Salt Lake City, Utah, USA," "Aid the first leg is belig rui by Greece 's very owl Spiro Thaiatopoulis, who appareitly sa ved a whole herd of goats from a ruiaway truck," "Boy, I've always been a sucker for the torch-lighting ceremony." "That, and the four-man bobsled." "I just wish they didn't have to sit so close together." "And remember, Arlen is still looking for one local hero... to carry the flame as it passes through town." "You may drop off your essay at the station or at any Pinky's Liquor." "Look at Spiro's run." "He reminds me of a young Hank Hill, only hairier." "I'd trade a village full of Spiri for one Hank Hill." "You took Arlen High to the Texas State Football Championships, you did." "And we would have won it all, too... if your ankle hadn't snapped just two yards from the goal line." "Yep." "Your dad's a real hero." "No, no." "The guy who beat that shark away with his own arm, he's a hero." "I've toyed with the idea of being a hero someday... either by doing something or stopping something." "Then I'll get a trophy." "And then you'll have to build me my very own trophy shelf." "Well, actually, Bobby, I already have." "Yeah, I started it right after you were born." "And then, well, you know." "I tell you what." "The spider plants have thrived on it." "Oh, not too close, Bobby." "Those leafy green plants can suck the oxygen right out of your body." "Boy, look at all Dad's trophies." "I'll never be able to win a trophy or build a shelf." "Oh, honey, you'll be able to win a trophy." "I haven't won one yet and my body's already starting to go." "[Bobby sighs]" "Ow!" "Hey, Bobby." "Look who's here." "Me." "Now, I know you thought you'd never win a trophy... but that was before this." "Congratulations!" "All right!" "Wait a minute." "I don't remember winning anything." "I don't remember competing for anything." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you won first place in the international competition... for being the best you you could possibly be, huh?" "You're one of the funniest people in the house." "You get most of your clothes in the basket." "And you always turn off the light when you leave a room." "Frankly, the contest wasn't even close." "I don't know." "It all sounds pretty much like just getting up in the morning." "Well, the great ones make it look easy." "Look, Bobby." "They don't give trophies for being a sweet, sweet, sweet boy." "But they should." "And they have." "I did." "I'd like to thank my mother, my agent, and my baby's mama." "Things didn't look so good at the beginning of the season... but they believed I could be the best Bobby I could be." "I wonder who'll get nominated to carry the torch through Arlen." "I think it ought to be that boy down at the Waffle House." "His Jesus T-shirts are an inspiration." "And he buses those tables better than most two-armed folks." "No, he doesn't." "Sausage, the breakfast of champions." "Hey, that's my trophy." "It's my trophy." "Mom gave it to me for being the best me I could be." "And I graciously accepted." "It's a football trophy." "That's a running back fending off a tackler." "I thought you said it was me putting my nerf ball away in the toy hamper." "Well, Bobby, it could...." "Well, it was just sitting in a box gathering dust and dust-mite feces." "So, this one is yours, too?" "Oh, for crying out loud." "How many trophies do you have?" "Look, Bobby, I want to see you get a trophy, too." "But you've gotta earn it." "Now, most Little League teams need a husky fellow to play catcher." "And you like to wear masks." "No, thanks." "Hank, I am just trying to boost that boy's self-esteem." "You have a shelf full of awards and a beautiful wife on your arm." "Why can't Bobby have a trophy, too?" "You don't give someone an award they don't deserve just to cheer them up." "Why not make every Super Bowl a tie so everyone gets a ring... and no one is ""bummed out""?" "Hank, I am having a brainstorm." "Bobby!" "Honey, how would you like to carry the Olympic torch?" "You mean it?" "Don't make fun of the boy." "I will write an essay nominating you." "I will open with a joke, but not at your expense... and I will close with a quotation from the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr." "I'll go turn on your computer and warm up the seat." "Good boy." "[Sighing]" "Defacing my trophy was bad enough." "But now she's dragging the Olympics into it?" "Just because Bobby wears a cape doesn't make him a hero." "It actually detracts." "The same could not be said of your average matador." "I make a good point." "There are so many more deserving people in this town." "She's just setting him up for a big fall..." "like when we told Bill there was a woman out there for him." "Hey!" "Today is the day." "They're gonna announce that I get to carry the torch." "Although, to be true to the ancient Olympians before me..." "I should be nude." "Just in case you are chosen, you're gonna have to run a half a mile." "That's about 500 trips to the refrigerator, just so you know." "I know." "That's why I've been training." "Bobby, you seem to have a hitch in your get-along." "No, Dad." "I'm speed walking." "The only Olympic sport... endorsed by the American Association of Retired Persons." "Easier on the knees." "Beautiful, Bobby." "[Car horn blaring]" "Congratulations, sug'!" "Oh, my God." "I did it!" "I won!" "I'd jump for joy but, you know, the knees." "Oh, what the heck?" "[Bobby exclaims]" "Bobby, you won." "Oh, dang it, I just took our camera in to be developed." "To be fair, Hank, I wrote the essay." "But why don't you let this be Bobby's moment?" "Okay, who's ready for the big news?" "Mr. Hill, you will be running the Arlen leg of the Olympic-torch relay." "Congratulations, Hank." "Hank?" "But, Mom, you said I was gonna get a trophy." "Isn't that precious?" "Now, give the torch to your daddy." "You must want the Hank Hill from West Arlen." "Hold on." "I've got some mail for him, too." "It's you, sug'." "Congratulations." "I'm not trying to tell you how to do your business... but the Durndle torch guy cried." "Very moving." "So, how does it feel to be the official torchbearer?" "Are you filled with pride?" "Humility?" "What are you filled with, sug'?" "Arlen wants to know." "Mostly confusion." "See, I didn't" "I will tell you what he is not filled with." "Shame." "For nominating himself behind my back." "I wonder what else you do back there without me knowing." "Let's get some B-roll of me smiling." "I didn't nominate myself." "I haven't written an essay since high school." "And I specifically remember, it was not ""Why I Should Carry the Torch.""" "It was about hammers." "It's okay." "You deserve it more than I do." "You're a good loser, Son." "Thanks." "Maybe someday I'll get a trophy for that." "So, Hank, if you did not write that essay, who did?" "I don't know." "Probably just some satisfied customer." "The identity of the secret essay writer's a secret." "Until now." "Paragraph one, paragraph two, Hank's signature." "What?" "Dang it, Dale." "You remember how mad I was... when you guys washed my truck without permission." "But you were right, Hank." "The torch should go to someone really deserving." "And that's you." "Even if we didn't win State." "After all, Hank, America is not just a land of opportunity... it is a land of redemption." "[Sniffing]" "It's from the essay." "Damn, that's good." "Hoist her up." "Let's see how she looks." "[All cheering]" "[Exclaiming in pain]" "This salsa's stinging my cuts." "I'm fixing to bring out the tortilla chips." "I'm not gonna tell you again." "[All cheering]" "How's it feel, Dad?" "Is it everything I hoped it would be?" "I don't want to be here." "And I wouldn't be if Dale hadn't baked all day." "Well, then, you shouldn't have had your henchmen write that essay." "Y'all want to see what Dale's been keeping in the basement for the last 20 years?" "[All protesting]" "No, no, not that." "I made him donate that to the teaching hospital." "Boomhauer." "The year is 1979." "Every week the entire nation turns for hope to Laverie aid Shirley," "Ted Koppel arranges to have 44 Americans held hostage on a soundstage... in Burbank by actors impersonating Iranian fanatics." "And Arlen's leading all-time rusher is Hank Hill!" "[All cheering]" "The hopes and dreams of a small Texas town in the state of Texas... rest squarely on the broad athletic shoulders of their star running back... and his trusted towel manager." "Look at Hank go!" "Running all over those men." "He doesn't care who he steps on to get his glory." "Nothing's changed." "Touchdown!" "Okay, stop it." "No one wants to watch this." "Hey, who wants to dance?" "Dale, help me move that couch." "Dang it." "What's the matter, Hank?" "You don't want to see the part where you broke your ankle?" "Film's a little grainy, but I think you can see bone." "Yeah, man." "It's like he's going back there in the pocket... and you'll see that old snap." "And then you hear that snap." "Oh, man!" "I don't want to see my ankle, and I don't want to carry the dang torch." "Anyone want to see Nancy in an art film?" "Sug'!" "Dad... someday someone's gonna make the world's largest fruit pie." "And the next day..." "I'm gonna get in the Guinness Book of World Records for eating it." "Bobby, I'm not in the mood for riddles right now." "I'm just saying I hope you aren't backing out because you feel bad for me." "I'll have my moment in the sun someday." "But this one's yours." "You're a hero." "You took Arlen High to State." "I'm not a hero." "I'm a disgrace." "BOBBY:" "Okay, your trousers are filthy." "But so were everybody else's." "Forget about it." "Keep watching." "[Bobby exclaims]" "There's more." "That's amazing!" "I didn't realize people walked like Egyptians back then." "It's shameful, the worst kind of useless showboating." "The only thing missing was an earring." "And on the very next play, going for the two-point conversion... that would have won us the championship..." "I broke my ankle." "God was punishing me for being prideful." "He didn't give me a fatal heart attack... because he still wanted me to sell propane." "But He made his point." "That's crazy." "God wasn't punishing you, it was just a coincidence." "No, it wasn't." "It was God." "Is this why you're so uptight all the time... because you think something bad is gonna happen if you act happy?" "[Sighing]" "[Mumbling]" "Remember when you saw that bumper sticker, ""Honk if You Love America""?" "You smiled, pumped your arm, and honked twice." "I do love America." "And your car didn't go off the road." "You're right." "We drove home safely." "You know, he's only 13 years old... but maybe Bobby is onto something with this ""it's okay to feel good"" stuff." "Well, if Bobby says it's all right for you to run with the torch..." "I will not oppose him." "And I will not oppose you." "I will let you run unopposed." "I know running with the torch won't get me on the front of a Wheaties box... but it sure does give me that front-of-a-Wheaties-box feeling." "Come on." "Less talky, more walky." "Give me another 0.5 miles." "[Hank chuckling]" "Hot or cold towel, Hank?" "Well, my torch hand is getting a little slippery." "Look at us, it's just like when we were in high school." "You secreting, me absorbing." "And you know, these are the very same towels from back then." "Hey, it's Hank Hill, the torch guy." "You were 12 across in today's Arlei Bystaider crossword puzzle." "Will you sign it for me?" "In pencil?" "ALL: [Chanting] Hank!" "Hank!" "Hank!" "Come on." "Give them a little taste, Dad." "[Crowd chanting]" "Okay." "Remember, honey, you're going to be on TV... so do not do that thing with your nose that you're not aware of." "What thing?" "I'm here live with Arlen torchbearer, Hank Hill." "Which hand do you think you will carry the torch in?" "The right." "Did you give any thought to any other hand?" "No, I did not." "[Crowd cheering]" "Sounds like the Durndle Torchbearer approacheth." "Finally." "It took him forever." "Well, they're not exactly swift in Durndle." "Oh, he is so brave." "[Crowd cheering]" "Hank, wait!" "Dang it, Dale." "This flame traveled 3,000 miles, plus the distance from the sun to Greece." "You're tarnishing the spirit of the Winter Games." "Au coitraire, I am inhaling it." "Remember, Dad." "Haste, grace and dignity." "Now, move out!" "Yeah!" "WOMAN:" "Way to go!" "Way to go, Hank!" "Oh, my God." "Stop him." "He's running in the wrong direction!" "Oh, no, he's not." "He's not, people!" "Everything's fine!" "I'm so darn happy I'd skip the rest of the way." "Thank you, Bobby." "[Whooping]" "[Exclaiming]" "Oh, no." "Hank." "Have you been shot?" "No." "But I deserve to be." "Oh, my God!" "The flame is out!" "The Olympics are over." "Those poor athletes." "All their training for nothing." "You see, Bobby?" "This is what happens when you act happy." "Thanks a lot." "I was just trying to help." "Okay." "I will go find an Olympic official." "Or would you like to turn yourself in, Hank?" "No." "I already ruined the most important game in Texas history." "I'm not gonna ruin these games." "All right, here's the plan." "I didn't fall and the flame didn't go out." "Is everybody clear on the plan?" "That's not the real flame." "That's just fire." "It's cheating." "No, no, it's fine." "It looks exactly like the old flame." "[Crowd cheering]" "He's running with a flaming lie." "How am I gonna enjoy the figure skating with this dark cloud hanging over us?" "Bobby, if your father doesn't go through with this... the Hills will be forever known as the family that ruined the Olympics." "Now, I can go back to using my maiden name." "I have no idea what you will do." "Come on, Arlen!" "Only 20 more feet and it's all you." "Yeah, you got it!" "This is for the rings, baby!" "What the...." "Come on, man." "It's only a couple more steps." "Why is he slowing down?" "He's 40." "Cut him some slack." "Stop hot-dogging it." "You had your time in the sun." "Come on, baby." "Give me some flame." "[Sighing]" "[Crowd exclaiming]" "[Booing]" "What are you doing?" "Oh, man." "That is weak." "He put it out." "'Cause he's a quitter." "I never quit." "Hell, I've been smoking for 30 years." "The flame!" "My oral fixation!" "But you don't understand." "That wasn't the real flame." "You don't understand." "I lost 500 pounds." "I'm a hero." "Don't worry, Dad!" "I'm coming as fast as I can!" "This cigarette was lit with the Olympic torch." "The flame lives!" "All right, Bobby." "It's going out." "Mr. Gribble, smoke!" "Hold on." "Bobby, you earned it." "All right." "The last guy put it out." "The bar's pretty low, Todd." "You can do it!" "That's right, Mc Maynerbury." "Brother running with the torch and not a damn thing you can do about it." "For preserving the honor and integrity... of the Olympic flame and all it represents..." "I hereby award this trophy to Bobby Hill." "I guess if you wanted to do a celebration dance, that'd be all right." "Not now, Dad." "Now!" "[Humming]" "HANK:" "Okay, that's eiough, Bobby," "bill:" "Uh huh, Hey!"