"All right, how about this?" "You take the blue one..." "No, no." "I don't want that one." "It seems unfinished somehow." "And I'll take the one with the dagger teeth." "Oh, do the children not have names?" "Oh, I don't think of them in terms of names." "I think of them in terms of love." "These are the ones that I love." "Today's the best day of our lives." "Our marriages are being annulled." "And now we're living the dream-- we're two single women in 1903 with 16 children between us." "No, we're living the dream." "We're two, uh, vivacious bachelor friends." "Living in our ex-wives' father's house." "Is it my fault?" "Oh, sweetheart." "Yes, of course it is." " All of it." " Mm-hmm." "Well, darling, we had a good run." "Yes. 20 years goes by so fast when you barely see each other." "I'll miss you." "Although I'll probably see you at dinner." "I'll miss you t" "♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪" "♪ I want the whole world to know my name ♪" "♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪" "♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪" "♪ "Another Period" ♪" "After my unfortunate hatchet incident and subsequent coma stay, it seems I've developed a bit of a nervous condition that, in times of stress, causes this hand to misbehave." "I'm sorry, my sweet, simple tartlet." "It wasn't your fault." "Father says that whenever a man hits me," "I must have done something to provoke it." "But this time you didn't provoke it." "It's just I don't know what did." "Was it our divorce?" "Is that stressful?" "Oh, heavens no." "I would divorce you every day if I could." "Well, was it your womanly shape?" "No." "What?" "No." "No, I mean," "I have almost no disquiet in my life." "No hardship." "My blood worms are down to a negligible level." "It makes no-- ah!" "My goodness." "I think it might be your hatchet." "Benjamin?" "Why would Benjamin be causing you stress?" "He's not the one that hit you in the chest." "It was a completely different identical hatchet." "I have no idea." "But maybe it was because it was a hatchet that hit me in the chest and caused me to go into a coma." "Mmm, I don't see the connection." "Well, I'm not a doctor." "I'm an amateur magician with the talent and the doves to go professional, but I think it's just logical hat hatchets are what's causing my arm to go crazy." "Whoa." "Unemployment is a real problem in the adolescent community." "The have pre-school;" "well, why not pre-work?" "Call me progressive, but I think children should be afforded the same opportunities to work as real people, which is why every year," "I set up a booth at the orphan job fair." "As the old saying goes," ""If there's grass on the field, hire that be-pube-ed up child to dig up your weeds."" "Have you begun menstruating?" "We cannot afford to spend money willy nilly on sanitary napkins and menstrual lozenges." "♪ Ave Maria ♪" "Stop." "It is not your singing voice I object to, but your entire gestalt." "Yes, sir." "Oh, don't waste my time." "I like your look, but I don't think you'll live another six months." "You have a whiff of the gypsy about you, Marley." "No, thank you." "Any sisters?" "Cannot have one of you die and the other be sad." "You're not a good fit at the moment, but we'll contact you if Bellacourt is ever in need of a human sandbag." "Hello, sir, my name is Jay Densmith, but you can call me Jay." "I want to learn to serve any great house, and for my money, there is no greater house than Bellacourt." "Well, you're not wrong there, boy, but I don't like this talk of "my money."" "Fair enough, but my hands are small enough to clean champagne glasses." "My head is the perfect size to clean a cannon, and my knees are intact, so I make a perfect ottoman." "Prepubescent human ottoman." "I like the way you think, boy." "Welcome to Bellacourt." "So I'll take the east wing in the early evenings for cranial adjustments and colonics." "Yes, and I'll use it in the mornings to clean my stamps." "Perfect." "Oh, now who gets the Sherbet and Beef room?" "I don't care." "I don't care as well." "I mean, it's not like we're talking about the Sorbet and Pork room here." "Now that's a good point." " After you." " All right." "Well, that is everything." "How amicable." "I guess it's true what they say." "Annulments are fun." "Ending a marriage is easy." " Well, goodnight." " Good night." "The Butternut room?" "Oh, why on earth would you think you get the Butternut Room?" "It's my room." "Butt or nut." "Who do you think loves those two things more?" "You can't possibly take this room!" "I mean, this is where I had my first fingering before you even arrived in Rhode Island." "How dare you!" "You know that gourds are my passion!" "I mean, who do you think painted this?" "The room is mine." "Do you want a protracted palimony suit, woman?" "Because I will make your life a living hell and I will win!" "I spent the best years of my life aging, waiting around for you to love me." " You wanted me to love you?" " Well, no, but..." "I will not leave this room until you acquiesce or drop dead." "Stop quoting our wedding night." "Well, it looks like there's nothing left to do but sit here and do absolutely nothing." "Oh, Victor, you don't want to play that game with me." "I've been doing absolutely nothing for 35 years." "You won't be surprised to know that I am currently in Washington, DC, serving a four year term as the captain of Rhode Island." "Ah." " Freddy?" " Ah, this is not a good time." "Do you really have to travel all the way to Bellacourt for Kermit the Baby's shower?" "Can't you just send a gift and skip it?" "No!" "That's exactly what he wants." "He wants me not to attend so he can be the only baby Bellacourt boy there." "He's only three weeks old." "Yes, I know, because it's been the worst three weeks of my life." "I have always been the only boy in the Bellacourt family." " Yes." " I'm the Bellacourt boy." "Yes, honey, you are the Bellacourt boy, but you are also a US senator, so how do you want to vote on these laws?" "Starting the Banana Wars, financing the Panama Canal, repealing Jim Crow laws." "You go." "You can do it." "Why don't I just finish this game of Jacks and then I'll" "No." "No Jacks." "Time to pass the laws." "I'll pass the laws right afterwards." "We pass the laws every day." "You sto" " Why do they make it on this color paper?" "Okay, let's just make it easy." "Yes, yes, and not in my America." "♪ Got a baby ♪" "And this majestic kingdom is the downstairs where you shall serve." "Your job will be to sift through the pig manure with your little baby hands to find reusable food scraps for the elderly servants." "Well, dash my wig." "This sounds like a dream come true, Peepers." "Oh, that's Mr. Peepers to you." "He'll cane you for an hour if you get it wrong." "Oh, that's all right, Garfield." "He's just starting his career at Bellacourt." "I think there'll be plenty of time to cane him during his stay." "I can't wait." "Oh, Jay, this is Garfield." "Garfield started as a hallboy and worked his way all the way to underbutler and then down to potato scrubber." "With potential for advancement." "Garfield will be your mentor." "I love to learn." "And I love you." "Well, that's just" "That's just..." "Thank you, boy." "All right, lesson one." "While I finish decorating this cake for the baby shower, you start scrubbing the pots and pans." "Okay." "How about you start scrubbing my butthole." "Yeah." "All the times my arm acted up," "I thought it was because of other stressful things like bathing alone or being served the wrong kind of tapioca." "But now I think back on it, every incident was hatchet induced." "You know, I probably wouldn't even be in this predicament if there weren't so many hatchets in this house." "I think we should just get rid of them." "But, Albert, you don't understand." " I like hatchets." " I know you do." "But you live with a man who doesn't have the capacity to be around one safely." "I mean, how many people and servants have to die before we realize enough is enough?" "Wait, so you're saying I should give up my hatchets just because they cause some people to act violently?" "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." "So what?" "First you take my hatchets, then you take my buzzsaws." "What's next?" "My timber jigs?" "Then how am I supposed to chop beaver carcasses or defend myself in a mutiny?" "You can use a gun to mutiny." "That would take forever to load." "Darling, I'm just saying that I think this house would be a lot safer, especially my misbehaving hand, if we got rid of the hatchets." "Or institute some kind of waiting period so I can get my head on straight." "Albert, that's crazy." "Every man, some children, and me should be armed with a hatchet." "I mean, think about it." "If you'd had a hatchet, you could have killed your attacker before he killed you." "I'm not dead." "He didn't kill me." "Or you could have thrown your hatchet at Frederick's hatchet and stopped it in mid-air." " The no one would have died." " No one did die." "Either way, the point is hatchets don't kill people." "People without hatchets do because they basically kill themselves by not having hatchets." "Think about it." "Have you ever seen a dead body with a hatchet in its hand?" "Oh, look, a harp." "♪ The Butternut Room is mine ♪" "♪ The Butternut Room is mine ♪" "♪ I can't believe I got the Butternut Room ♪" "Oh." "Ooh, who's gonna cry and leave?" "You are." "The Butternut-- Butternut" "I like to share my wisdom, so I'm going to help Albert cure his hatchet phobia." "When I was little, Mother made me get over my fear of butterflies by forcing me to spend time with them." "She locked me in a chamber with thousands of monarchs for two days." "It was terrifying." "But it completely worked, and I came out a fully normal person." "Well, that's an inspiring story, but I don't understand how summering with butterflies is supposed to help me." "No, silly." "The hatchets are the butterflies." "And I'm going to force you to get used to them again." "Oh." "♪ All I had was a crazy dream ♪" "♪ and a fire within my soul ♪" "Take it, take it." "♪ I had nothing but some crazy schemes ♪" " ♪ way out of my control ♪" " Help me, save me from myself." "♪ I got to thinking it was fantasy ♪" "♪ and I'll never make it through ♪" "♪ I always knew what I wanted to be ♪" "♪ just what I gotta do ♪" "♪ nothing's gonna stop me now ♪" "♪ It's my story ♪" "♪ and no one's gonna tell me how ♪" "♪ I gotta do it right ♪" " I'm cured!" " We did it!" "After Victor put that banana in my shoe," "I found the perfect way to get even." "Oh, servant." "Please send this to the postal office." "Don't you want to know what was in the telegram, Victor?" "Oh, let me guess." "You ordered me another tuxedo without a waistband." "Even worse, one from Italy." "Ugh." "No, I sent a telegram ordering the slaughter of your entire family in Bavaria." " Very funny." " It's not a joke, Victor." "Remember that holiday we took to the Bosnian coastline where I had that adulterous liaison with Slobodan, the anarchist?" "Well, he owes me a favor." "So all you have to do is leave the room and stop the servant from sending the telegram." " No!" " No." "So torn." "I love my family, but..." "Butternut has always been there for me." "Victor, you're going to let your entire family die for this room?" "I mean... he's getting into the carriage." "And he's driving away." "And he's gone, just like your family." "What is wrong with you?" "This is so unfair." "This is so unfair!" "Typical of my family to get brutally murdered just when I'm finally happy." "Selfish pigs." "What kind of monster are you?" "Butternut!" "♪ I'm the king, yeah, yeah I'm the bomb ♪" "Hello, ex-husband." "How's it going with your enfeebled arm?" "Oh, it hasn't acted up at all." "Try me." "Nothing." "It's like I'm truly fearless now." "Oh, Albert." "I'm so proud of myself." "You conquered all your fears." "What?" "Well, there's one last thing I haven't conquered." "It's my hatchet wound." "I haven't shown it to anybody, but it's part of who I am now, and I need to be proud of it." "Oh, I've never seen anything like it before." " Yeah." " Whoa, what's this top part?" "It's non-functional." " Oh, my God." " Oh." "And you want to kiss it." "Like that." "It just feels so fucking good." "Albert, I want to give you something." "You're gonna give me Benjamin?" "No, of course not." "Benjamin's like family." "But I am giving you a different hatchet." "This is Dan." "Dan, I thought you were Benjamin." "Oh, he gets that all the time." "We're gonna have a lot of laughs together." "Mm-hmm." "Jay, why are you in Dodo's old room?" "The baby shower is about to begin." "Mind your own business, hook-nose." "Why does it look like you have thief sleeve?" "I don't." "Go jump off a cliff." "Oh, I most certainly will not." " Hey, stop." " Come here, let me see this." " Stop!" "Stop!" " Ow!" "Give me this." "What is the meaning of this?" "No one is to be in this room." "Mr. Peepers, it was Jay." "He was in here" "Garfield tried to make pom-pom with me." " What?" " Yeah, yeah." "He grabbed me and he said he wanted to grind my corn." "I told him I'm only a boy but that just got him more excited." "I've always had my suspicions about you and children." "You and that squeaky voice of yours." "No, no, no, no." "I would never." "I like women, black women." "I think Jay was stealing." "You must check him." "I may have a pederast on staff." "What to do?" "Traditionally, the best course of action is to ignore it." "What I know for sure, we have a baby shower to attend to." "We'll sort this out ipso post shower." "Now let's go." "Let the ceremony commence." "Excuse me, I am underbutler, and I am in first position." "No, Garfield, in light of today's events, I think it best if you stay as far away from the baby as possible." "Oh, yes." "Behold!" "May I present to you, Kermit Constantine Bellacourt." "My favorite Bellacourt boy." "I knew it." "Little bastard's trying to push me out." "Frederick, meet your baby brother." " No thank you." " Frederick, hold your brother." "Why don't you make him hold me?" "Do it." "As is Bellacourt tradition, the head butler shall recite the names of the first exiters, all Bellacourt children that expired before they made their baby shower." "Ahem." "Abel, Agatha," "Ambrose, Arthur," "Augustina." "You sure you want to do this?" "Yes." "I'm sick of hiding it." "It's time to let my hatchet wound flap in the wind." "Other Myrtle, Nana, Nina." " Frederick." " Beatrice." "Benjamin." "Albert." "Ahh!" "Dan?" "No!" "My thumbs!" "Why?" "What is this, you thief?" "Don't send me back to the orphanage." "I already burned all my bridges there." "You're lucky I don't make you hitchhike because you have no thumbs." "You did it." "You saved the baby!" "I saved baby Kermit!" "See, I told you." "So wonderful, right?" " Mm." " Yeah." "The room's been notched." "I can't live in a notched room." "I'd rather live in a 12 bedroom shithole house." "I let my entire family die for a notched room." "Hindsight, right?" "I mean, who wants to live in a room with a compromised overmantle?" "Butternut's been ruined." "One might say that the room was ruined when you two spent three days urinating and defecating in it." "Sure doesn't smell like this in the Lilac Fantasy Room." "Lilac Fantasy Room." "No!" "Get back!" "No, no!" "I set you hence." "You're hurting me." "Mine!" "My clavicle." "I was thinking about it." "If that ragamuffin boy had a third hatchet, he could have thrown his hatchet at the one that careened off of Benjamin, then they all would have hit each other and fallen harmlessly at the same time." "You're right." "It wasn't my fault." "It was your family's fault for not giving that orphan boy" " more weaponry." " I know." "A hatchet in every hand." "It's just safer that way." "Ahh!" "Ahh!"