"Bye, bye, Birdie" "I'm gonna miss you so" "Bye, bye, Birdie" "Why'd ya have to go" "Bye, bye" " No more sunshine" " Sunshine" " It's followed you away" " You away I'll cry, Birdie" "Till you're home to stay" "I'll miss the way you smile as though it's just for me" "And each and every night I'll write you faithfully" "Bye, bye, Birdie lt's awful hard to bear" "Bye, bye, Birdie" "Guess I'll always care" "Guess I'll always care" "Guess I'll always care" "Look!" "Look!" "Hey!" "We love you, Conrad" "Oh, yes, we do" "We love you, Conrad" "And we'll be true" "When you're not near us" "We're blue" "We're blue" "Oh, Conrad, we love you" "This is John Daly reporting with the CBS mobile unit... in front ot the nation's capitol... bringing you on-the-spot coverage of our current teenage crisis... over the drafting of Conrad Birdie." "Sociologists agree that Birdie is a phenomenon." "For those few music lovers who have never attended one of his concerts... here are some news photos tracing his meteoric rise." "And that-- that is our army's newest weapon." "Private Birdie reports for his induction in ten days." "His income drops from $2 million a year... to $7 8 a month." "It could only happen in America." "Why?" "Why did they have to dratt him?" "Just when I tinally write a song he's gonna do." "The title song of his next picture." ""Mumbo Jumbo Gooey Gumbo."" "Now there's no picture." "There's nothing." "Albert, I have your tinancial statement, it you really want to hear it." ""Total assets: $312.08." "Liabilities: $4,030."" "You" "Contidentially, you're a fiscal tiasco." "Good-bye, Albert. lt's a sad ending to a long association." "Yeah." "Oh, don't you want to say good-bye to Pidge?" "Almaelou's busted, Pidge." "You better get yourself another meal ticket." "In six years I never sold one lousy song." "Maybe they weren't lousy enough." "I don't care so much about myselt... but I'm my mother's sole support." "I've wasted every cent my father lett Mama-- lt's not your tault." "Your mother wants you to be a songwriter." "You can make a good living as a biochemist." "That's a wonderful profession, but Mama wants" "Just because she was once in vaudeville... doesn't mean you belong in show business." "Confidentially, I respect my mother, but I do what I want." "Well, Mama's sensitive." "When I upset her, she faints." "Why, with your ideas, you can make a tortune in chemistry." "Chemistry." "Chemistry." "Chemistry?" "You sound like Rosie." " Where is she?" "Where's Rosie?" " Oh, she phoned." "She heard about Birdie being dratted." "She's going to see Ed Sullivan." "Sure, to get another job." "Oh, a fine secretary!" "Why, we have been practically engaged, just waiting tor an okay trom Mama." "Now when I hit bottom, Rosie deserts me." "Quits betore my body's even warm." "Ed Sullivan!" "Would you send in Rosie DeLeon, please?" "is it yes, Mr. Sullivan?" "It's just got to be yes." " Rosie, it is yes." " Oh, hallelujah!" "Oh, I love you." "Oh, that's marvelous." "Oh, I love you too!" "I'm so glad!" "Miss DeLeon, I'd like you to meet our producer, Bob Precht." " Oh, hi." "How are you?" " well, it's my pleasure." "If you can overcome your shyness, tell me... what's our using Birdie on the show got to do with you?" "Let's face it, I'm a scheming woman." "I have a promotion idea that'll knock you out." "It you buy it, I want a little tavor." "All right." "Let's try it on for size." "How'd you like a territic buildup betore the show... that'll have every TV set tuned into you next Sunday?" "We will have." "After all, we've got the Moscow Ballet and Birdie." " This is bigger." " Bigger?" "Betore Conrad Birdie goes into the army... he bestows a farewell kiss on all the swooning girls... who worship him on your TV show." "Atter all, it's only an hour show, and Birdie only gets four minutes." "He kisses them all symbolically." " What'd you say?" " Symbolically." " Actually, he'll only kiss one girl." " He kisses only one girl?" "Can't you see it?" "Birdie, their idol, their leader... kissing one tabulously lucky teenage Tessie?" " Yeah!" "Yeah !" " lt'll melt every bobby pin in America." "It's gigantic." "The newspapers will eat it up." "Think of the advance publicity." "Get the Birdie's fan club file right away." " Get us a girl trom Ohio." " Gotcha!" "We'll do it from the outdoor theater, Columbus, Ohio, right after the ballet." " l'll get the girl." " The network will handle the details." "And atter the kiss, Birdie sings a big song." " That's where Rosie gets her payoff." " l don't get it." " The song is "One Last Kiss."" " Never heard of it." " Hasn't been written yet." " Who is going to write this classic?" "Oh, who else, but my tuture husband, Mr. Albert F. Peterson?" "Birdie's been wanting to give Albert a break tor six years." "I know he'll use the song, if you say so." "Any song will do even though it's written by your ever-lovin' Albert." "Thank you, Mr. Sullivan." "With a plug like this, that song will sell a million records." " Man, what royalties!" " We can sure use the money." "Any day now Albert and I will have another mouth to teed." "Rosie, you're not even married yet." "His mother!" "Bye." "Carmine, get me the publicity department right away." "This batch will do." "Get them ready for mailing right away." "Oh, hi, Marge. I need one of your fans trom Ohio." "You can have them all." "Try file number six." "Okay." "Six, here we go." "I'm about to make some gaga little goof a queen." "Hey, cute." "Long distance?" "I want Miss Kim McAfee, Sweet Apple, 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio." "Marge, isn't it amazing what a woman has to do to get a man to marry her?" "You mean you doped Albert's mother?" "No, but if this doesn't work, that's my next move." "What, Operator?" "Oh, the line's busy." "Never mind. I'll try later." "Thank you." "Oh, Marge, right now there's a kid named Kim McAtee in Sweet Apple, Ohio... gabbing on the telephone." "Little does she realize I'm about to make her immortal." " Hello?" " Hello, Urse." "This is Kim." "It I don't tell somebody, I'm just gonna burst." "So, Ursula, you are the very tirst to know." "I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody." "Oh, no!" "Kim McAfee, you didn't!" "You really got pinned?" "You mean you and Hugo have a permanent understanding?" "Uh-huh." "Oh, it's Hugo and I forever." "Crazy!" "Crazy!" "Tell me, Kim, how do you absolutely feel... in your deepest secret soul?" "It's like-- It's like I've been reborn." "It's like all of my lite until this very moment I was nothing." "Kim, I must use the phone." "I've got to call Grandma." "In a second, Mom." "Hey, listen, Ursula." "I'm gonna have to get off." "Where was I?" " You were nothing." " Oh, yeah." "And now I'm alive, tultilled." "Now I know what it means to be a woman." "It should only happen to me." "Kim, where did he pin you?" "On the backseat." "Oh, bless that lovely yellow school bus." " Kim, hurry, please." " Hang up, so I can spread the word." "Okay, bye, Urse." " Hi, Nancy" " Hi, Ursula" "What's the story, morning glory What's the tale, nightingale" "Did you hear about Hugo and Kim" " Hi, Margie" " Hi, Alice" " What's the story, morning glory" " What's the word, hummingbird" "Have you heard about Hugo and Kim" "Did they really get pinned Did she kiss him and cry" "Did he pin the pin on or was he too shy" " Well, I heard they got pinned" " Yeah, yeah" " I was hopin' they would" " Uh-huh" " They're livin' at last, goin' steady" " He's gone" "Hello, Mr. Henkel This is Harvey Johnson" " Can I talk to Penelope Ann - ls it true about Kim" " Penelope - l just knew it somehow" " About the prom - l must call her right up" " Saturday - l can't talk to you now" " Goin' steady" " You know it, man" " Goin' steady - lt's crazy, man" " Goin' steady" " You know it" " lt won't last" " Not at all" " He's too thin" " She's too tall" "Hello, Mrs. Miller This is Harvey Johnson" "Can I speak to Debra Sue" "Hiya, Hugo Hiya, stupid" " What ya wanna go get pinned for" " You don't know how to live" " Oh, you meathead" " You'd get pinned if you could" " Lost your marbles" " Kim and I are in love" " Are you nutty" " Goin' steady for" "Hello, Mrs. Garfein ls Charity home from school yet" " Did they really get pinned" " Goin' steady" " l was hopin' they would" " He's gone" " Now they're livin' at last" " She nailed him lf ya gotta go that's the way to go" "When they got ya hooked then you're really cooked" "What ya gonna do What ya gonna do" " Well, I heard they got pinned" " Oh, man" " l was thinkin' they would" " Oh, man" "Now they're livin' at last Goin' steady for good" "Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good" "Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good" "He's in love with Kim Kim's in love with him" "Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good" "That's the way it should be" " Oh, yeah" " They'll be happy, I know" " Oh, yeah" " Goin' steady for me" " Oh, yeah" " That's the way it should go" "Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good" "Poor Pidge." "He'll starve." "Here, Pidge." "Here, Pidgie." "Here, boy." "Don't jump!" "Don't jump!" "Albert, it's all right!" "Everything's all right!" "Come on back!" "Don't worry." "Honey, come on." " Thank heavens I got here in time." " You almost pushed me out." "It's all right." "I just came trom Ed Sullivan's otfice." " Sullivan?" " Yes, Ed Sullivan." "Go to work for Sullivan." "Leap from the sinking ship while the house is on fire." "But hear this, Miss DeLeon." "I was loyal." "All the years I employed you, I never looked tor a job behind your back." " l went to Ed Sullivan's otfice" " Don't explain." "You owe me nothing, even though you were molded by me." " Molded?" " Like Eliza Doolittle from Pygmalion." " l was molded?" " What were you when I tound you?" "Hostess at La Casa Enchilada Taco and Tamale Shop." "Well, sorry I interrupted you." "A man of my ilk does not commit suicide." "I've had just about enough of your kind ot ilks too." "Suicide is for cowards." "I don't desert the woman I love." "Oh, Albert, I'm sorry." " l should have known." " Mama would never get over it." "Mama?" "What's the matter?" "I'm the prize dope ot all time... thinking I could pry you away from your mama's ever-lovin' tentacles." "I will thank you to leave my mother out of this." " Maybe she does influence me slightly." " Slightly?" " She is old and frail." " Which I will be, too, at this rate." "I don't blame you." "I was living in fantasy... telling myselt you were serious." "Oh, Rosie, I was." "I am. ln here." "I've thought and thought about marrying you... every day, a lot of nights too." "I've spent six years on Project Albert." "Well, now I haven't got the right." "I can't otfer you security." "A wonderful girl like you... you deserve more trom a husband than just personality and good looks." "But I'll always love you, Rosie." "You'd better always love me, you nut... because you're stuck with me." "Now, you've always worried about repaying your mother, right?" "Well, trom now on, she'll be set for lite." "She can sit around on her big tat trust fund." "We'll have our own little house-- l don't care what Sullivan pays you." "No woman is supporting Albert Peterson." " You're not listening, darling." " l am not a gigolo." "Will you get to that piano and start composing?" " Mary, I want Kim McAtee, Ohio." " l'm through composing." "I was always through, but now I know it." "That's right." "You're a biochemist, but this is one song you can sell." " Huh?" " Okay, call me back." " As I was saying, huh?" " Gee, you're slow today." "Now, you are going to write a song called "One Last Kiss."" "is this Albert's floor or is it the one below?" ""One Last Kiss." Now." "Oh, one last kiss There never was such bliss l love your dentifrice" " A little too clinical, I think." " Yeah, you're right, honey." "Let's see." "Mama?" "She's never been to the otfice since she discovered canasta." "Well, now's the perfect time to tell her about dissolving Almaelou." "Yeah." " And about us." " Yeah." "Sonny!" " Mama!" " Baby!" "What a nice surprise, and you're just in time tor some wondertul news." " What's the matter?" " Nothing, son." "I just tainted in the subway." "That's all." "But I didn't tall down." "It was too crowded." " l keep tellin' ya, take a taxi." " Taxis?" "Taxis are for my successful son." "A dirty crowded subway is good enough for a mother." "Mother's nothin' nowadays." " Who's that?" " Mommy, you know Rose DeLeon." " And guess what." " This is that pretty Rose DeLeon?" "Oh, I don't believe it." "Rose, what happened to ya?" "You had a fatal sickness or somethin'?" "It's nice to see you again." "Always on the job." "She's a credit to the firm." "Look at her, son." "I wonder some older man hasn't snatched her away." "Personable matron." " Speaking ot marriage." " A wonderful institution." "Your poor father and l-- That was a marriage." "May he rest in peace." "Don't worry, Lou." " Our only child is taking care ot me." " Tell her." "He'd never do anything to break my heart." "What about marriage?" "It it was good enough for you and Papa, it's good enough-- ln time." "You're just a baby." "Hello." "Yes, Operator." "I'll hold on." "And another thing, Mama, I'm thinking of dissolving Almaelou." "Wait, Lou. I'm comin'." "I'll be right up there." "We can play canasta again." "Mama?" "Mama, forget it." "I'm sorry." " You're sorry?" " Good-bye, sonny." "Take care of yourself." "Think of me on Mother's Day." " Good-bye, Rosie." " Good-bye, Mae." "Call me Mrs. Peterson." "Wear your rubbers." "That's right, Operator." "Miss Kim McAfee." "I'll tell her, Rosie, tonight." "It's entirely up to you, Albert." "The line is still busy?" "Yes, Hugo." "Well, of course I'll always wear it on everything." "Oh, except my gym blouse." "Miss Turgnisht won't allow it." "Tonight?" "Well, I have no plans." "I think I can get out till about 10:00." "Oh, you have to be in by 9:00." "Well, c'est la vie." "Until tonight then, mon amour." "Bye." "When you're a skinny child of 15" "Wired with braces from ear to ear" "You doubt that you will ever be appealing" "Then, hallelu jah, you are 16 and the braces disappear" "And your skin is smooth and clear" "And you have that happy grown-up" "Female feeling" "How lovely to be a woman" "The wait was well worthwhile" "How lovely to wear mascara" "And smile a woman's smile" "How lovely to have a figure" "That's round instead of flat" "Whenever you hear boys whistle" "You're what they're whistling at lt's wonderful to feel" "The way a woman feels lt gives you such a glow just to know" "You're wearing lipstick and heels" "How lovely to be a woman" "And have one job to do" "To pick out a boy and train him" "And then when you are through" "You've made him the man you want him" "To be" "How lovely to be a woman" "Like me" "How wonderful to know" "The things a woman knows" "How marvelous to wait for a date ln simply beautiful clothes" "How lovely to be a woman" "And change from boys to men" "To go to a fancy nightclub" "And stay out after 10:00" "How lovely to be so grown up" "And free" "Life's lovely when you're a woman" "Like me" "Hello?" "Oh?" "Well, hold on, Operator." "Kim, it's for you." "She says it's long distance." " Thank you, Doris." " Who could be calling Kim" " Did you say "Doris"?" " lt's the modern way, dear." "Makes mother and daughter more like friends." "Harry, I think you took the news about Hugo and I awtully well." "Hello?" " She called you "Harry."" " Yeah." " Yes, this is Miss Kim McAfee." " Yesterday I was a mother." " Today I'm a friend." " Yes, I'll hold on." "Well, maybe you could call me Mom." "That's modern." "Times are changing." "You go along or else you're out ot it." "Harry, do you have a cigarette?" "I've run out." "Oh, so have I." "How about my pipe?" " Hello?" " Hello?" " Kim McAfee?" "I have a great prize." " Harry?" "Kids." "You have been selected from all the teenagers in the United States... to be kissed by Conrad Birdie on The Ed Sullivan Show this Sunday night." "We'll be in touch." "Good-bye!" "Conrad Birdie?" "To kiss me?" "Mother!" " Mommy!" " Baby!" "What happened?" "Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me!" " lsn't that nice?" " You don't understand!" "Conrad Birdie's coming to Sweet Apple to kiss me!" "Oh, Mommy!" "I never thought I'd say it, but God bless Conrad Birdie!" "Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me!" "Now, listen." "Now, the absolute instant he appears... now I'll introduce Kim to him." "Then we'll all recite our pledge of everlasting loyalty." "The plane!" "The plane's almost landed!" "We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do" "We love you, Conrad and we'll be true" "When you're not near us we're blue" "Oh, Conrad, we love you" "We hate you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do" "We don't hate anyone as much as you" "Your singing makes us say, P.U." "Oh, Conrad, we hate you" "We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do" "We don't hate anyone as much as you" "When you're not near us we're blue" " We love you" " We hate you" "Hugo wants to talk to Kim." "That's if it's okay with Kim." " Certainly, Hugo." " well, Kim" "Yes?" "Hugo, what do you want?" "Gee, Kim, the tellows are makin' me do this." "But just the same, they're right." "Kim, you can't go through with this." "Hugo, please be mature." "Doesn't gettin' pinned mean anything these days?" "It means everything." "It's sacred." "Well, then how can you let another man kiss you and in public?" " l assure you I won't even feel it." " Huh?" " l'm just a symbol." " A symbol?" "Don't you see?" "This is bigger than us." "Why, all this publicity for Sweet Apple." "Thousands of people will move here." "We'll have a population explosion." "And just think what this will do for your father's undertaking business." " Hey, yeah, you're right." " Yeah." "But you really don't go tor that Birdie creep, do you?" "What do my eyes tell you?" "No, you don't." "I can see you're all mine." "Forever... starting right atter The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night." "Right atter The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night." "Hey, we'll be late!" "One, two, three!" "We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do" "We love you, Conrad and we'll be true" "When you're not near us we're blue" "Well, I told her otf, guys." " She knows where l stand." " But she's leaving." " That's to make the population explode." " Anyone tor the reception, kids?" "Gee, Mr. Paisley, we think you're okay even if you are the English teacher." "It should be a tascinating experience." " Yeah, but are you with them?" " "With them?"" "Yeah, that Birdie creep-- He's poisoned our women." "It's bad enough the mayor's a fink, but you, Mr. Paisley" "Well, you see, fellows, as a teacher and a brand-new American citizen... with an unquenchable thirst tor knowledge... I feel I should witness this unique sociological phenomenon, hmm?" "Yeah, guys, suppose I do let Kim kiss him?" "I only want to see a unique so-- so-- phenomenon." " Hugo, the fink!" " So long, fink!" " Fink!" " Oh, what a tink!" "Here are the gentlemen trom the press." "I'll handle them." "You go tind the mayor." "We want him!" "We want him!" "Here's your speech." "Learn it and hurry!" "We want him!" "We want him!" " Look this way, please." " What's your name?" " Conrad Birdie." " No, no, your name." "She doesn't even know her name." ""We want him!"" "I beg your pardon." "May I add a welcome from Sweet Apple?" "I'm Claude Paisley." "Kim McAfee's my student in English." " How do you do?" "I'm Rose DeLeon." " Nice to know you." " And you're?" " Hugo." "I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you." " Hugo Fink." " Hello, Mr. Fink." "How are you?" "Now, please don't think me forward." "But it you do have any spare time during your visit... I'd appreciate discussing Mr. Birdie with you." "Well, I'm afraid I'll be very busy... but thank you." "Watch it, Rube." "Don't bend the fur." "He's coming!" "Look, everybody!" "He's coming!" "Here he comes!" "We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do" "We love you, Conrad and we'll be true" "When you're not near us we're blue" "Oh, Conrad, we love you" "Betore you hear from the girl upon whom... you have chosen to bestow your final kiss upon... we will now recite the Conrad Birdie pledge." "I, being ot sound mind and body... do hereby promise... to be loyal, courteous, steadtast and true... to Conrad Birdie and the United States of America... both indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." "As the tortunate girl whom you have selected... to represent all my fellow girls, I welcome you." "Now, Mayor, now." "Speech here." "And now I present this key to our city to our honored guest..." "Conrad Birdie." "He said it!" "He said the name!" "What happened?" "All I said was Conrad Birdie." "Girls, you're going to have to stop that or I can't finish my speech." "Who cares about your speech?" "We want to hear Conrad!" "He's not so much." "You gotta be sincere" "Edna, what's wrong?" "You gotta be sincere" "Birdie, what are you doin'?" "You gotta feel it here" "'Cause if you feel it here" "Well, then you're gonna be" "Honestly sincere" "If what you feel is true" "You really feel it You make them feel it too" "Write this down now You gotta be sincere" "Honestly sincere" "Man, you've gotta be" "Sincere lf you're really sincere lf you're really sincere" "If you feel it in here then it's gotta be right" "Oh, baby" "Oh, honey" "Hug me" "Ah, suffer" "In everything I do" "Why, my sincerity shows through" "Yeah, when I look you in the eye I don't even have to try" "It's automatic I'm sincere" "When I sing about a tree" "Listen, why I really feel that tree" "Yeah, when I sing about a girl I really feel that girl I mean, I really feel" "Sincere" "Why, if you're really sincere lf you're really sincere lf you feel it in here then it's gotta be right" "Oh, baby" "Oh, honey" "Hug me" "Ah, suffer" "Yeah, here we go now" "Why, you gotta be sincere" "Oh, you gotta feel it here" "Oh, my baby, oh, my baby" "Oh, yeah" "Oh, my baby, oh, yeah" "Go, girl, go" "Ursula!" "What are you doing?" "Are you gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere" "Yeah" "Are you gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere" "Yeah" "We love you, Conrad" "Oh, yes, we do" "We love you, Conrad" "And we'll be true" "When you're not near us" "We're blue" "Oh, Conrad, we love you" "Randolph, your father's warned you." "It you make another bomb, you'll get spanked." " lt was an accident, Mom." " Now, get this stuft out ot here." "Doris!" "Doris!" "Doris, what's going on here?" "Harry, where have you been since supper?" "In plenty of trouble, that's where." "But I'm not now." "No, sirree." "You kids go home before I sick the constable on ya!" "Go on!" "Get that carnival oft my front lawn!" "I'll show them who's boss." "Harry McAtee's not going to be pushed around by any roll and rocker." " Harry, they'll hear you." " Let 'em hear me!" "Put those chemicals away and go to bed." "Yes, Papa." "We're in trouble." "He can't stand Conrad living here." "Especially around his pretty young daughter." "She's still under the magic spell." "Dear little Conrad certainly has a devastating impact." "He might make a territic soldier." "Turn him loose and the enemy will twitch itselt to death." "I don't care." "I've changed my mind." "My daughter is not going to be publicly kissed by that-- that wiggler." "The deal is ott." "But, dear, you know these adolescents." "Kim will lose tace." "It I don't get rid of that Birdie, that's not all she'll" "Hear this. I have decided that bunch of grafters is getting out ot here." "That is the unshakable decree that I have made as head of this household." " So you go upstairs and tell them." " Me?" "How can I tell Mr. Peterson and that nice Miss DeLeon?" "Nice?" "I know that show business crowd-- probably living in sin." "Harry Lionel McAtee!" "I never told you, but one summer I worked tor the circus." " Oh, those midgets, wild." " Not another word." "She's been engaged to Peterson tor six years." "Don't tell me they" " We were engaged for tive years." " He's not as stupid as I was." " Are you stupid, Pop?" " Find out for yourselt!" "That's the trouble with kids today!" "Lazy!" "Will you go up?" "Get up to bed!" "Oh, Harry, they'll be gone day atter tomorrow." "I'm a peace-loving man, a good father and husband." "And the result?" "The home l hewed out of this wilderness with my bare hands is no longer mine." "Tonight I had to wait until 6:00 tor my supper." "And that Peterson grafter, running up my phone bill with long-distance calls!" " He oftered to reimburse you." " l don't take Diners Club cards!" "Then that snake in a gold suit insists on parking in my beautiful living room." " Do you know where l've just been?" " No, dear." "To a meeting with the big boys, Kelsey, Judge Blanch, Joe Kipp." "My biggest customers." "They don't approve ot this kind ot notorious goings-on." "Darling, they put pressure on you?" "If I don't cancel this whole Birdie deal, they'll starve me out of business." " Oh, my heavens!" " lt's them or us." " What happened?" " Are you all right?" " What's wrong?" " lt was just Randolph's chemicals." "No, a mixture ot iron sultide plus two parts H2SO4." "Smart boy you have there." "It isn't every lad who can make a stench bomb." " Which brings me to Mr. Birdie." " Mr. Peterson is really a biochemist." " l couldn't care less." " l have one tormula, a secret." "It's miraculous because it increases the work output of domestic animals." " Now about this Birdie." " lt speeds up the reflexes." "An ox, for instance, could outrun a racehorse." "By adding in his tormula, a hen will lay three eggs a day." "Three eggs a day?" "It that's so, you could make a million times-- l've been nursing this compound for years." " Still needs more tests, but it works." " Aren't you in farming?" " He's McAtee Fertilizer." " Oh, yes." " Been in it tor 20 years." " Really?" "But I may be out if-- lt you and Albert got together, you could revolutionize farm production." "Would you like a demonstration?" "Do you have a hen?" " How about trying it on that?" " A tortoise?" "I don't know." "Sure!" "It won't bite." "Here." "Let me." "Ot course, there isn't much demand for turtle eggs." "But if it really works on tarm animals... maybe you and me could do some business." "I'll sure need something it I let Kim go through with this Birdie stutf." "Some of Harry's customers are against it." "Yeah, and so I've decided it's absolutely out of the question." "Your neighbors are just going to be thrilled... when they see the two of you on The Ed Sullivan Show." "The Ed Sullivan Show." " We were saving that as a surprise." " Yes, a surprise." "Me on Ed Sullivan?" "Oh, I'd die." "What would I wear?" " We'll find something." " Gee, Ed Sullivan." "He's my favorite human." "That's why I decided to let Kim go on in the first place." "Me on The Ed Sullivan Show?" "Ed Sullivan" "Me, Harry McAfee appearing with" "Ed Sullivan" "We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan" "How could any family be" "Half as fortunate as we" "We'll be coast to coast" "With our favorite host" "We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan" "I've got a wonderful wife" "Two swell kids a good business and now this" "Someday we'll recall" "The greatest day of all" "Ed, I love you." "Hello?" "Oh, yes." "Harry, it's the mayor." "He sounds mad." "I'Il handle this." "Yes?" "Yes, Mayor?" "Yes, the boys talked to me." "Yep, I've decided." "Birdie stays right here... and Kim's on TV." "And what's more... I'm gonna be on the show, too, with Eddy Sullivan." "Now, listen, Harry." "You saw what that crazy galoot did at the reception." "It was a disgrace." "Look, Mayor, you're gonna be on TV too." "They want you to make a speech." "They want me on Ed Sullivan?" "A short speech." "Why, sure!" "I could become a statewide tace." "It's a deal, Mayor." "Sure I'll plug you up tor governor." "Bye, Sam." "What a hambo." "Well, it's been a long day, so I think we'll" "I'm thinking of calling them "Speed Up." You like it, Mr. McAfee?" ""Feed up with Speed Up." l love it, partner." " How will Randolph catch his tortoise?" " Just give him one of these." "Hi, Mr. McAfee." "Gee, I just wanted to thank you." "My dad said you're not letting Kim go on TV and kiss that-- that." "It can't be true." "You wouldn't destroy Kim, your own tlesh and blood!" "Sure he would." "A tather has a right, right?" "Hugo, my daughter's old enough to make her own decisions... so I've decided to let her do it." "Well, in that case, your daughter is the tormer future Mrs. Hugo Peabody." "Oh, Hugo, stop acting like a child." "Kim!" "Where is he?" "Can I see him?" "Conrad's asleep, poor dear." "You may peek through his keyhole while l-- while I discuss this tempest in a tea bag with Hugo." "You're lucky people." "What'd we ever do to deserve such a daughter?" "We got married." "Marriage." " But, Kim" " Hugo" " Yeah, but, Kim-- - l don't have time tor a debate." "Ursula's waiting. I've got to learn my speech tor tomorrow's rehearsal." "Wait a minute, Kim." "Don't go yet, please." "You don't know what I've been through with all the guys buggin' me... well, about you and that Birdie creep." "Oh, that." "Yeah, that!" "Why, that's silly." "He means nothing to me." "One boy" "One special boy" "One boy to go with" "To talk with and walk with" "One boy" "That's the way it should be" "Yeah, yeah, that's the way it should be." "One boy" "One certain boy" "One boy to laugh with" "To joke with, have Coke with" "One boy" "Not two or three" "One day" "You'll find out" "This is what life is all about" "You need" "Someone who ls living" "Just for you" "One boy" "One steady boy" "One boy to be with" "Forever and ever" "One boy" "That's the way it should be" "That's the way lt should be" "Now is that the kiss of a woman interested in any other man?" "I don't know." "How do I tell?" " Ah, but he made you taint." " Oh, he did not!" "I was just exhausted, cramming for my English exam." "You've got to try to understand me as a woman." "Now, I might like Conrad as a friend... but when it comes to the real thing... the grand passion... well, that's something special, Hugo." "That's you." "One day you'll find out" "This is what life is all about" "You need someone who ls living just for you" "One boy, one steady boy" "One boy to be with" "Forever and ever" "One boy" "That's the way it should be" "That's the way lt should be" "Homework!" "Hey, I got homework to do." "When will he find out" "This is what life is all about" "Will he ever see I need him" "And he" "Needs me" " One boy" " One special boy" " One special boy" " One boy to be with always" "One boy to be with" " Forever and ever" " Forever" " l love him" " One boy" " Love him, I love" " That's the way" " Him so - lt should be" "That's the way lt should be" "That's the way lt should be" "Hello, Sweet Apple Drive-in?" "I'm looking tor my mother, Mrs. Peterson." "Are you sure there's no one left in your drive-in?" "Okay, thank you." "Don't worry, partner." "Your mother will get along tine." "Sweet Apple's full ot friendly folk." "It anything happens to her, I'll never forgive myself." " What kind of a dump is this?" " "Dump"?" "Conrad." "Let's humor him, partner." "If he walks otf the Sullivan show, we're sunk." "Gotcha." "I can't tind no church key in my room." "Church key?" "We've had a church here, but it's open." "A can opener, man." "You're from nowherelike." "That's my tavorite brand." "Well, it's bedtime, huh, Conrad?" "Okay for tonight, but tomorrow's Saturday... and that's my real tense night." "Thanks, Mr. McAtee." "The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy." "I am a lucky man though, Albert." "Meeting up with a biochemical wizard." "Peterson and McAfee are going right to the moon." "I've got to, not just tor my mother, for Rosie." "Well, I guess I'll get a little air and turn in." "Take all the air you want, chum." "Hi, Rosie." "Rosie, you don't have to worry about Mama." "She'll show up." " l'm certain she will." " Then you ought to be happy." "Kim's on the show." "Conrad does my song... and I promise I'll tell Mama about us." "Come on." "Why look so awfully tragic" "Put on a happy face" "Smiling can work like magic" "Put on a happy face" "Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy lt's not your style" "You look so good that you'll be glad ya decided to smile" "Pick out a pleasant outlook" "Stick out that noble chin" "Wipe off the full of doubt look" "Slap on a happy grin" "And spread sunshine all over the place" "Just put on a happy face" "Flowers?" "Put on a happy face" "Put on a happy face" "Why do you mope around so sourly lt's such a strain I always try to chuckle hourly lt clears the brain" "I knew a girl so gloomy" "She'd never laugh or sing" "She wouldn't listen to me" "Now she's a mean old thing" "So spread sunshine" "All over the place" "Put on a happy" "So put on a happy" "Face" "Well, like I said, you're a genius, Dr. Peterson." "Oh, honey, you sure have put up with a Iot." "But this time we're gonna make it!" "Let's live in a small town like this." " Anything you say, dear." " Okay?" "Wow, the last time we were alone together-- last summer at Palisades Park." " We went through the tunnel ot love." " Your mother sat between us." "Oh, honey, I told you." "From now on, things are gonna be ditferent." " Yoo-hoo!" "Albert!" " lt's Mama." "Mama?" "Boy meets girl, boy loses girl... boy gets mother." " Mama, where have ya been?" " Neglected!" "That's where l've been." "I tried to tind ya." "Have you had any dinner?" "A mother doesn't need tood." "Besides, I'd rather be with my famous son." "Albert, what is it?" "Oh, it's your mother." " Oh, good evening!" " How are ya, ma'am?" "How can I be-- ripped trom my native land, alone in this jungle?" "Gosh, Albert, I wish we had room to put up your mother." "Thanks." "A motel mattress full of lumps is good enough tor me." "Comtort is tor my loving son." "I just came to tuck ya into bed." "See, Mama's got a condition." "She won't tell me what it is." "Why worry a growing boy?" "Okay." "You insist?" "I got, maybe, one tenth a normal heart." "A mother doesn't need a heart." "Well, soon as Albert and I get our new deal a-rollin'... you'll have the finest doctors in the country." "Deal?" "What deal, Albert?" "Well, Mama, I'm quitting the music business and goin' back to chemistry." "That Rosie!" "She's finally turned you against me!" "Oh, please, Mama." "She didn't." "Albert, go-- desert me." "But when I was expecting him in the maternity ward-- three days I waited-- did I desert him?" "No. I stayed right there so he wouldn't be alone when he was born." "Mama, please don't excite yourself." "Mama, you know I love ya." " lt's just Rosie and I have plans." " Okay!" "Lou, I'll be right up." "Start dealing." "Just bury me on your tront lawn so Rosie can walk all over me!" "Mama!" "Mama, please!" "It's not gas. lt's electric." "Doris!" "Doris, how do you like it?" "Isn't it exciting?" "No!" "I told you not to dye your hair!" "Oh, but I wanted to!" "Isn't it a gas?" " You dare dety your mother?" " But it's my hair." " Not till you're 21." " What's the matter, Papa?" "Young lady, you stay in your room till it changes back!" "Do you hear?" " l won't!" " l demand respect around here." " lt's my hair!" " Respect." "Do you hear?" "Respect." " l respect you, Papa." " l don't want your respect." "Who wants respect trom a ten-year-old kid?" "Kids, I don't know what's wrong with these kids today" "Kids, who can understand anything they say" "Kids, they are disobedient disrespectful oafs" "Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers" "And while we're on the sub ject, kids" "You can talk and talk till your face is blue" "Kids, but they still do just what they want to do" "Why can't they be like we were" "Perfect in every way" "What's the matter with kids today" "Kids, I've tried to raise you the best I could" "Kids, all the things I've done were for your own good" "Kids, can't you once appreciate how I've sacrificed" "Working, slaving, scrimping saving pennies" "And livin' with your father, kids" "No one knows the burdens I've had to bear, and in my condition" "Kids, I'm a poor, sick woman and does he care" "Ha!" "Go on, go on and kill me" "That's what it's coming to" "When a mother has kids like you" " Kids" " All the chicken soup I made for you" " Mama, take it easy." " Kids" " Now you throw me out like a worn shoe" " Not in front of everybody." "Mom, after all, I haven't been such an awful son I never sass you back or leave a ring around the bathtub" " And don't I always phone you" " Kids" "You can give your life to 'em night and day" " Kids, then they go get married" " Married?" " And go away" " Who's gettin' married?" "Why do we have these children" "Better to have a pet You know where you stand with a pet." "I never asked for nothin'" "Nothin' is what you'll get" "What's the matter with kids to" "I tried, Lou, but I failed." "Oh, ya didn't, Mama." "Ya didn't." "Don't try to pay me back, sonny." "I forgive you." "So what if you're an ingrate?" "So long as you're happy." " l don't want to be happy." " Don't feel guilty." "Just make believe I'm an old used car." "Junk me." "Leave me in the gutter." " l'll never leave ya." "Never." " You heard him." " You're a witness." " l promise, Mama." " l never broke promise to my mama." " Good boy." "Why can't they be like Albert" "Perfect in every way" "What's the matter with kids" "Yeah, what's the matter with kids" "Nothing's the matter with kids today" "Mr. Paisley, this is Rose DeLeon." "You asked me to call it I had any tree time." "Well, I'm free." " Very tree." " Rosie!" "Ten minutes?" "I'll be waiting tor you." "Don't worry, sonny." "You can always get another secretary." "Can you see him?" " No." "Babette, can you see him?" " l can't see him." "All I can see is the basketball hoop." "Hey, Gretch, can you see him?" "Conrad Birdie in our gym!" "Oh, oh, oh, give me one last kiss" "One last kiss" "Oh, one more time Mmm, baby, one more time lt really is sublime Ah, baby, so sublime" "You know I need your love" "Oh, oh, oh, give me one last kiss" "One last kiss" "Baby" "Give me one last kiss" "Baby" "Give me one last kiss" "Oh, one last kiss" "Give me one last kiss lt never felt like this" "Nah, baby, not like this" "You know I need your love" " Oh, oh, oh" " Okay." "Cut." "We'll rehearse the song later, Conrad." " Al, what's the exact length?" " Oh, uh, 1:20." "Check." "That gives us 2:40 for Sullivan's intro to Kim..." "Kim's good luck speech to Conrad." "Then Conrad socks over a plug tor army enlistments... bangs into the song, and we top it off with the big kisseroo." " Kim?" " Yes, sir." "Beg pardon, but when do I make my speech?" "Speech?" "What speech?" "I promised Mr. McAfee he could say a few words." "After all, he's Kim's father." " Yes, he is." " Kind of a hello from a proud parent." "All right, but ya can't have much time." "In tact, all you can have is 20 seconds on the nose." "Gotcha. I'll just say a few words, get some big laughs." " And introduce the mayor." " The mayor?" " Ah, come on, Al." "What is this?" " l" " We had a problem." "I had to give the mayor a spot to humor McAfee." "All right, but we'll have to take ten seconds away from McAtee." "I imagine songwriting must be quite a lucrative profession." " Oh, yes it is." " How many records will they sell?" "Oh, about one or two million." "You know, Claude, I had a pertectly wondertul time last night." " You really are a wonderful dancer." " Oh, I don't know." "When one's heart sings, one's feet take wings." "Oh, how lyrical." "is that Shelley or Keats?" " That, my dear, is Paisley." " Really?" " Uh-huh." " Oh, that's wonderful." " Shall we go?" " Sure." "Okay, everybody." "Take your places." "Now come on, Kim." "Just move right over there." "Just read it like you normally would." "Okay." "And we, your admirers, are proud that our military leaders have called upon" " Conrad, honey!" " Please, Mrs. Peterson." "We're rehearsing." "All right now, Kim." "could you move over one, please?" "Kim, you're talking too fast." "Now once more, dear, but slower." " To express to you" " tell me, Mrs. Peterson." " What does your husband do?" " l don't know." "He's dead." "And, and, and I want to say... on behalt of all the girls who are your devoted admirers" " Oh, I torgot what's next." " Come on, man." "Let's go." " Hi, Hugo." " They don't want all this jazz." " Yeah." " They want Conrad." "Look." "There's the camera." "I bail in, I sing up a storm... I give this chick the message" "This is my best side." " Applause." " She's tainted." " l'll dig you later." " Hey, enough!" "I'm puttin' my foot down!" "My baby!" "Now I'm puttin' my foot down." "She's not goin' on that show!" "Oh, yes, she is." "You're not wrecking' my career." " Oh, what happened?" " Tell him you're through... because you do not wish to humiliate your steady in this sordid fashion." "Hugo Peabody, you take that back!" "I will not, but I will take my pin back." "Oh, with pleasure." "Conrad, I know you're tense, but we haven't tinished." " The number's not ready." " Conrad's a trooper, like I was." " Us troopers get tense." " Yeah." "Like she said, like." "Conrad, why don't you and I go tor a nice ride in the country?" "Uh-uh." "Man, I hope I never get that tense." "I never should have said that to Rosie." "Who does he think he is anyway?" "Al, I got a wire here trom Ed Sullivan." ""Russian Ballet switching to different dance requiring additional four minutes." "Therefore, the entire Birdie spot must be cut to less than 30 seconds."" " Cut?" " "Tell Peterson and Rosie... I'm sorry song is out, but no choice."" "No." "They can't do this." "They can't cut the song." "They've already done it, kid. in 30 seconds all Birdie can do is take a bow." "I'm awtully sorry." "The Russians!" "First they take Czechoslovakia, and now they take my tour minutes." " Oh, Mama." " Oh, baby!" "Well, that's, that's show business." "There are chicks just ripe for some kissin'" "And I mean to kiss me a few" "Man, those chicks don't know what they're missin' I got a lot of livin' to do" "Sizzlin' steaks all ready for tastin'" "And there's Cadillacs all shiny and new" "Gotta move 'cause time is a-wastin' I got a lot of livin' to do" "There's music to play places to go" "People to see" "Everything for you and me" "Life's a ball if only you know it" "And it's all just waitin' for you" "You're alive so come on and show it" "Yeah, we got a lot of livin' to do" "There are men" "With childhood behind them" "Handsome men" "From Yale or Purdue" "Older men" "And I'm gonna find 'em I got a lot of livin'" "To do I'm a-gonna have fun" "Gonna be wild" "Have my own way I may break" "A heart a day" "Drink champagne" "As if it were water" "Pink champagne" "And after a few" "Daddy dear" "You won't know your daughter" "She's got a lot of livin'" "To do" "Think I'll be" "A ring-a-ding drummer" "Make each week" "A thousand or two" "Gorgeous girls" "Will beg for my number" "Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do" "Yes, I'm gonna break out Gonna take off" "Gonna be free" "This town is awfully square for a cat like me" "Or I'll be" "A super jet pilot" "Fly me high" "Way out in the blue" "And then they'll see I'm no shrinking' violet" "Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do" "I got a lot of livin'" "To do" " There's music to play" " Places to go" "People to see" "Ah, everything for you and me" "Life's a ball lf only you know it" "Yeah, and it's all just waitin' for you" "Oh, you're alive" "So come on and show it" "Yeah, we got a lot of livin'" "Such a lot of livin'" "Tonight's the night we're gonna fly" "Let's kick this hick town into high" "I want a taste of everything" "Let's live it up and really swing" "Got a lot of livin', livin'" "Livin', livin'" "Livin' to do" "Live!" "But you needn't bite my head otf." "I only ask a civil question." "Ten times you've asked me." "I don't know why they've changed to this slow dance tor the TV." "But if Albert can't get him to cut it shorter... tomorrow night I won't be on Ed Sullivan." "Neither will Kim." "You know how much it means to her." " How about m" " Well, anyway..." "Albert's still in with the managers, so that's a good sign." "If Eisenhower couldn't handle the Russians, how is Albert?" "Long live Joseph Stalin." "I mean, Stalin lived too long." "Long live Khrushchev." "Save your lite?" "Me?" "My triend, it you are sick, see a doctor." "If you're sick, see a doctor." "You speak English?" "It saves time." "What can I do tor you, uh, Mr. Peterson?" "Sir, I have come to appeal to you." "That ballet-- the one that you're doing on TV tomorrow night" "Da, for Mr. Ed Sullivan." "Yeah." "That's the one." "Could you just cut that four minutes?" "Well, it's beautiful. I love it, but my life depends on it." "Desecrate this classic?" "I need the time for Conrad Birdie to sing my song." "Who sent you here?" "Senator Goldwater?" "Will you cut three minutes?" "Two minutes?" "A minute and a halt." "To cut even ten seconds would be artistic sabotage." "This ballet has historic significance." "It was performed the same day as the tuneral of the czar." "Lenin himself made the arrangement." " Lenin arranged music?" " No!" "Funerals!" " Hello, Rose." " Oh, hi, Kim." "You still up?" "Oh, I'm so miserable, Rose." "I've lost Hugo, and now I'm not even going to be on TV." "Why not?" "The ballet's taking tour extra minutes, so Birdie's song and the kiss are out." "Oh, serves Albert right." "Oh, now come on." "Relax." "Faithless men like Albert and Hugo-- they're all alike-- trom puberty to stupidity... from Benedict Arnold to Mussolini." "Men." "We laugh at them, right?" "It's easy tor you to pick up the pieces ot your shattered dream." "You've tound a compensation." "Ah, that Claude Paisley is just too much." "He's too much, all right." "But I won't mention of what." "All that charm-- so genteel... so educated, so underhanded!" "You mean Mr. Paisley's like all the rest?" "I thought he was the marrying type." "Oh, he is." "He wanted to elope tonight." "And you know what?" "He'd like to live in New York." "Uh, not to teach-- to be a songwriter." "A songwriter?" "He's all the things I want to get away trom." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I never dreamed that Mr. Paisley, of all men" "Oh, well." "Men." "They're only out to use us, Kim." "I know." "Hugo's used me since we were treshman." "All those years I wasted on Albert." "Rosie the dependable one, Rosie the patient one..." "Rosie the good girl." "I know it sounds old-tashioned, but I'm not ashamed to admit it." " l'm still a good girl." " Rose?" " Hmm?" " So am I." "No kidding?" "Well, you won't be sorry." " Are you going out so late?" " Mm-hmm." "My farewell to Sweet Apple-- a night to remember. I'm going to Maude's Cate." "Maude's?" "That's a wild place." "You're not gonna do anything rash?" "Whatever you hear about me, Kim... just tell them that she loved not wisely, but too well." "This is the place, Albert-- hottest spot in the county." " How do you know?" " Oh, I heard-- only heard." "Albert, don't go in that place." " l must. lt's the only way." " But drinking won't solve anything." "He's frustrated." "Good-bye." "Thanks." "I'd go in there with ya it I weren't a happy family man... and not allowed to enjoy myself." "Oh, please, Mister, l-- Oh, my arm!" " l just want to-- - l'm telling you tor the last time!" " All I want is a drink." " No drinks!" "Now get lost!" "Well, just a pint ot bourbon?" "Gin?" "Scotch?" "Well, how about a malted with a little vodka?" "Come back when you're 21." "Oh, well, I'm way over 21. I only look young trom too much drinking'." "Oh, look at me." "Look at the shell of a human being-- the monster you've created." "Oh, I'm sorry about" " Uh, Hugo, don't worry." "You'll get Kim back." "No, thanks." "The bloom is oft the rose." "Rose." "Little Rose-- a precious flower that I trampled on." "There you go." "A toast to Mae." "She's okay." "I'm a songwriter too, huh?" "Would you call the McAfee house again and see if my Al" " Sonny!" "Mama, what are you doin' in a place like this?" "We're playin' canasta." "I got lonesome." " Did you cut the Russians?" " And why are you consorting with him?" " Glad to meet you." " Now looks ain't everything." "Besides, Mr. Maude is 100% gentlemen and a widower." "Three times." "Sit down, Albert." "Any son ot Mae Peterson is a triend of mine." "Come." "Sit down." "Go on." "Mama, get your things." "We're taking the bus to New York tonight." "Your song!" "It's all off?" " lt's dead, like I am." "Let's go." " You ain't going, Mae." "Say you ain't!" " You unhand her." "Come on, Mama." " Okay, buster." "Set 'em up!" "Double scotch and gin on the side and, uh, a bourbon chaser." "Make that a triple chaser, and bring on the dancing boys!" "Well, come on." "Make me the drinks, Meyer." "We gotta put out this tire." "Everything is Rosie" "Cha, cha, cha" " 'Cause my name is Rosie" " Oh, the poor thing." " Fifi, huh" " She can't get over me." "She's singing the song I wrote tor her." "You wrote her a song?" "Well, only eight bars, Mama." "Somehow I never could tinish it." "Hey, what's with the red cap?" "You got a train inside?" "Where are you goin'?" "I'm gonna go down and see what the boys in the back room will have." "Albert, where are you going?" "To save her trom herselt-- to save her for me." "She might get in trouble." "Report on the charity bazaar we ran for the benetit ot the old tolk home-- to wit net cash receipts, $840.06." "Valuable goods contributed, two milk cows, live... eighty lugs ot tresh fruit... forty-five young cumquat trees... one ton of fertilizer" "And now, betore the recording secretary... reads the minutes trom last week's meeting... I wish to bring up a subject... that I know is on everybody's mind... tonight." "As I was saying, gentlemen" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "No." "Listen, fellas-- Watch out!" "Rosie, baby." "Good morning, darling." "Way past noon." "Sleep okay, honey?" "Mm-hmm. I tried not to." "I wanted to keep reliving that wonderful moment... when my shining knight... rushed into the sultan's cave... and carried me oft." "Oh, that's just the beginning." "Pack." "We're takin' the bus to Niagara Falls." "Oh, yes, dear." "You never saw me in pajamas betore." "You disappointed?" "Mm-mm." "Are you?" "Let's take a plane to Niagara Falls-- a jet!" "Albert, we came here to get your mother set tinancially... and our marriage wouldn't have a chance... if we started off feeling guilty about deserting her." "That's right. lt may be a long time betore I make any money." "Not if Birdie sang your song tonight." "No chance. I pleaded." "They won't shorten the ballet-- not even ten seconds." "It's the slowest dance I ever saw." "They move like turtles." " What?" " Randolph!" "Boys, those are really showstoppers." "Frank, Dean and Sammy, come on out here and take a bow." "Frank, Dean and Sammy McWilliams." "Thank you, boys." "Right now, here on our stage, the magnificent orchestra... of American composer-conductor Ray Block." "Now, really." "Let's hear it." "Well, that ought to do it." "Any questions?" " No, sir." "Not at all." " Okay. I'm going backstage." "Right." "Don't know why I let that Albert drag us here." "Rosie said she might have a big surprise for us." "Maybe they'll show us sitting here on TV. I bet that's it." " Where did you get all that money?" " l sold Mr. Peterson my chemical set." " Two minutes, maestro." " Borov will be there." "Have never been late for performance in whole career." " You say you from magazine?" " Uh, yes." "American Ballet magazine." "We want a picture of the world's greatest conductor, Maestro Borov." "You flatter me." "So, shoot me quick." "Uh, drinking this milk." " Milk?" " Yes." "We drink vodka, little tlower." "Oh, well, no, thank you." "Please, maestro." "This milk." "You see, our president has asked us to drink more milk... and it would be a goodwill gesture." " President?" " Yes." "Oh, won't you, please, maestro... to improve our relations?" "You are pretty enough to be un-American." "All right." "Here we go." "Drink up." "That's it." "Now keep drinking until I frame you-- Uh, frame you pertectly." "All right." "Bottoms up." "That's it." "Very good." "You've got it. I mean, gotcha!" "See you atter, could be?" " l'll catch up with ya." " And for you I do not go too fast." "We shall see." "Good-bye." "Thank you." "Mission accomplished." " He drank it?" " Yeah." "My formula works on chickens and Randolph's turtle... but I don't know about humans." "Well, it it doesn't, we're no worse otf... but if it does, this will be the shortest ballet in history." "And now, ready America and Canada?" "Because here we go out to Columbus, Ohio... where the Moscow Ballet dances "The Rose Adagio"... from Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty... conducted by Maestro Borov." "Take it away, CBS Columbus, Ohio." "We're on." "Up on one." "Lights." "Camera two, can you move to your right just a couple of teet?" "Magniticent." "It's not gonna work." "This is crazy." "That's not the way it was rehearsed." "What is it, sabotage?" "We'll have to fill some time." "Put the Birdie song back in." "Gotcha, Ed." "Take over." "Be prepared tor the Birdie spot." "Albert, "One Last Kiss" is back in." "Find Conrad." "Rosie, get Kim." "Right." "Put the Birdie spot on stage." "Let's go!" "McAtee, hurry up!" "Come on." "Let's go." "The song is back in !" " A miracle happened!" "Let's go!" " What?" "Come on!" "Are you crazy, Borov?" "I've never seen such speeding' dancers." "Thank you, Moscow Ballet... for that brilliant and unexpected bit of burlesque." "And now, another great treat" "Conrad Birdie." "On behalt of all the members... ot the Sweet Apple chapter of the Conrad Birdie Fan Club" "We wish to express to you... our great pride in your brave deed." " Hiya, Ed." " Oh, no." "Oh, hi." "How are ya?" "I wish to convey our deep pride... in your brave deed, namely" "As a citizen, I'm proud to have Conrad... defend my family and the McAfee Fertilizer Company." "Conrad, sing!" "Oh, one last kiss" "Give me one last kiss lt never felt like this" "Nah, baby, not like this" "You know I need your love" "Give me one last kiss" "One last kiss" "Oh, one more time" "Mmm, baby, one more time lt really is sublime" "Ah, honey, so sublime" "You know I need your love" "Give me one last kiss" "One last kiss" "Baby" "Give me one last kiss" "Baby" "Give me one la" "Yoo-hoo!" "Albert!" "I saw it all on TV." ""One Last Kiss" was a disaster." "Who wants to buy a record of a guy with a glass jaw?" "Now will you take Mama's advice and get out of show business?" "I am!" "My song may be dead, but my chemical formula works-- on people." "Shh." "The Russians may have this place bugged." "It was Albert's formula that made the orchestra leader go that tast." "My genius!" "You gotta work on my cleaning woman." "She gets a dollar an hour." "Yeah." "Mama" "Rosie and I are going to Niagara Falls." "Well... it's about time." "Oh, Mae!" "You have to come with us!" "No. I'm one mother doesn't mix in." "Maude!" "Don't tall in the pit, Maude." " Albert?" " Yes." "I would like to do things proper." "So I would like the honor of becoming your steptather." "is it all right, Albert?" "Mama, with my blessing!" "l'm glad because we just got married." "Yes." " What a surprise!" " How exciting!" "It's beautitul !" " Congratulations!" " Thank you very much." "Let's go, Maudie!" "We're leavin' for Akron." "Hubby has to open a new bar and he wants me to throw out the first beer can." " Yeah !" "Good-bye, son!" " The falls are wet." "Take your rubbers!" " Bye!" " Yes, Mrs. Maude." "How about that?" "Maude and Mrs. Peterson." " Oh, ready here, Albert." " Be right with you." "No hurry, partner." "I promise you one thing, snookums." "No matter how many millions I make selling' "Speed Up"... I'll still be the same, humble, lovable guy." "And it any ot those hicks try to push me around, I'll break 'em." "Everything is Rosie" "Since I found my Rosie" "Same old words." "With a girl like Rosie" "How could I be blue" "Same eight bars." "Now what?" "Hand in hand, we'll mosey" "Me and little Rosie" "We will be so cozy" "By a fire built for two" "Oh, albert, you're too much." "Oh, I once heard a poem that goes" "A rose is a rose is a rose" "But I don't agree" "Take it from me" "There's one rose sweeter than any that grows" "And that's my Rosie I'm so glad she chose me" "Life is one sweet" "Beautiful song to me" "Everything is Hugo i will go where you'll go" "With a boy like Hugo" "How could I be blue" "We will be so cozy" "Just like Al and Rosie" "But we're gonna mosey ln a hot rod built for two" " And that's my Rosie" " Gee, how delighted we'll be" " l'm so glad she chose me" " When you are cozy with me" "Life is one sweet beautiful song" "When love is right then what could be wrong" "Life is one sweet" "Beautiful song to me" "Bye, bye" "Birdie" "The army's got you now I'll try" "Birdie" "To forget somehow" "No more" "Sighing" "Each time you move those lips" "No more" "Dying" "When you twitch those hips" "Your swivel and your sway" "Your super-duper class" "There's nothing left to say" "But, Conrad, you're a gas" "Bye, bye" "Birdie" "Ta, ta, ol' sweetie pie" "Bye, bye" "Birdie" "Time for me to fly" "Time for me to fly" "Time to say good-bye" "Bye, now"