"Come on, kids !" "The convention starts at noon and we've got a long drive." "I hate these multiples conventions." "Why do twins and triplets and quads and quints need to get together ?" "I mean, single-borns don't have conventions." "You might not want to go, but your brothers and sisters are very excited about it." "All right, let's get this freak fest over with." "All right, Patton, let's get you into the car." "Bob, what are you doing with your golf bag ?" "She's catching on." "Just keep walking." "I told you you can't golf this weekend." "I signed us up to mentor that couple Paul and Lisa that are pregnant with quintuplets." "Yeah, but see, the thing is..." "I really want to play golf." "Bob, I talked to Lisa on the phone and Paul seems nervous." "So I'll make a deal with you." "If, after this weekend, your advice makes him feel better, then next weekend I'll make you feel better." " You mean... ?" " That's right." "I'll let you play golf." "I need a bigger suitcase." "You've got the smallest clothes, you get the smallest suitcase." "But this is a freaking makeup bag." "Oh, oh, and at noon, I'll be teaching a seminar" ""Five Mouths, Two Nipples:" "a Time-sharing Approach to Breast Feeding."" "Hey." "Check out the T-shirt I just bought." ""I can't believe they all survived."" "I'll take it back." "Have you thought about what advice you're going to give Paul about raising quints ?" "I have." "I thought I'd start out with," ""Raising quintuplets is not a screaming nightmare,"" "and then once I had him at ease, I'd tell him that it's not a horrible financial burden, either." "So you're just going to take everything you think and put the word "not" in front of it ?" "Carol, that is not what I'm going to do." "All right." " This is what you're going to do." " What are these ?" "I wrote out exactly what you're going to say, so you don't sound like a moron." "Oh." "Worked for our wedding vows." "Penny, look." "Adam and Ian are headed this way." "Those gangly, pimply faced twins we made out with three years ago ?" "Look at them now." "Boing !" "Ian, it's me, Paige." "Hey, it's been a long time." "I know; you've changed a lot." "It's like your pimples went inside your body and became muscles." "Your hair is so shiny." "How can you focus on my hair when we're at a convention celebrating the overpopulation of our planet ?" "It's so shiny, I can see myself in it." "Can you believe all this conformity ?" "What an Orwellian nightmare." "It's like being in 1984." "Isn't it great ?" "The '80s are totally back !" "Collars up, everyone." "Hey, how 'bout instead of talking, we go upstairs and make out ?" "Okay." ""The Womb Room" ?" "What the hell is this ?" "This, my friend, is a walk-in uterus." "And built to give multiples an experience they missed out on:" "going through the birth process alone." "You want to give it a try ?" "I-I don't know, man." "It looks kind of creepy." "Come on, stop being a baby and get in the womb." "Congratulations, Mrs. Chase, you're pregnant." " Is it quintuplets again ?" " Nope, just a single baby." "And from the sonogram, it looks like it might be a boy." "Hard to tell with such a tiny penis." "Hey, I just grew fingers." "Guess which one I'm showing you !" " Hey, hey, what's this hose ?" " Good question, fetus." "That's the umbilical cord, there to provide you with essential nutrients." "Chocolate pudding." " Oh, oh, I think I'm going into labor." " Push !" "Push !" "Congratulations." "It's a boy." "So, you just went through the birth process alone." "How do you feel ?" "Pearce, nobody is going to want to do this thing." "Except for them." "Hey, babe, do you know what five plus five is ?" "I bet you do, being a ten yourself." " Let me see, is it ten ?" " Why, yes, it is." "You win a prize." "A four-and-a-half-foot trophy of a man." "So, what do you say we go out later ?" "Ah, this must be you from the future coming back to tell you what a good time we had." "This is my sister Nancy." "I'm Andrea." "Hi." "So, what do you say ?" "Yeah, I'd go out with you, but we get really jealous of each other, so we only date identical twins." "Really ?" "That's so weird." "I have the exact same policy with my identical twin..." "Peter." " You have a twin ?" " Yeah, I know." "Hard to believe there could be two of us as good-looking." "I mean, what is this, a miracles convention ?" "Ooh, there's our couple, Bob." " Great." " Just think about golf next weekend." " Carol ?" " Lisa ?" " Bob ?" " Paul." "There's my man." " My lucky, lucky, lucky man." " Yeah, I am lucky, aren't I ?" "Are you kidding ?" "This slot machine's about to pay off." "Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching !" " Right, Carol ?" " Right, Bob." "Let's take it down a notch." "So... you really love having quints, huh ?" "Well, all I can say is..." ""I've never seen God, but he must have five mouths," ""because that's how many times he's smiled upon me." "Smile broadly." Oh." "Bob, what ?" "You're reading things off index cards ?" "Come on." "Tell me what it's really like having quints." "You really want to know ?" "Yes." "Just between you and me." " Tell me the truth." " All right." "The truth is it's a screaming nightmare and huge financial burden." "I hope you don't like solitude, sleep or sex, 'cause you'll never have any of them again." "All you'll have is headaches, high blood pressure and a stabbing chest pain that makes you think," "'Maybe this is my ticket out of here.'" "Could you please not touch my hair ?" "It took me, like, an hour and 65 minutes to put in my sculpting gel." "Paige, can I talk to you for a minute ?" " Now ?" " Yes." "It's important." "Oh, we can't go out in the hall." "It says "Do not disturb."" " Let's switch guys." " What ?" "It's obvious we're with the wrong guys." "Ian is smart like me, and Adam's..." "like you." "Believe me, I'd love to switch, and I'm sure your guy would jump at the chance, but my guy is never going to agree to it." "What's that supposed to mean ?" "How can I put this in terms you can understand ?" "Let's say you have a book with a really pretty cover, and someone asks you to trade it for a book with a plain brown cover with glasses." "You wouldn't do it, would you ?" "Tell you what." "Why don't we just ask them and see what they say ?" "Wait, I have a better idea." "We could switch without telling them." "They're identical." "They'll never know." "Clever." "Let's try my way first." "What are you both doing here ?" "I mean, Nancy, you're not getting together with my identical twin Peter till 10:00." "Yeah, well, our parents want us to meet them downstairs at 10:00." "So I was hoping to see Peter now." " Is he around ?" " No." "Well, if you don't have a date, I don't want you to be alone." "Sorry, Patton." "Oh, wait !" "When I said he's not around," "I meant not around in this room." "He's two doors down." "Oh." "Okay." "Thanks." "Oh, and make sure you use the secret code so he knows it's you- knock 20 times." "Okay." "Why don't I go get us something cold to drink ?" "You're such a gentleman." "My sister's into bad boys, but not me." " I like 'em sweet." " Mm, well, I'm so sweet, kissing me is going to give you cavities." "Don't mind me." "Just passing through." " Hey, babe." " Hi, Peter." "I'm Nancy." "Yeah ?" "I was just cleaning myself up." "Got into a little knife fight in the lobby." "You did ?" "You're so... bad." "Yes, I am." "You likey ?" "Don't care." "I got more pudding, man." "Those fat twins from The Guinness Book of World Records ate, like, 40 trimesters worth." "Thank you." "And here is your change." "What are you doing ?" "We..." "We don't charge for this." "We do this for the good of multiple-kind." "I was thinking." "If we just charge a small fee, then you can take your share and, um... build even more womb rooms." "How are you going to help multiples with your share ?" "By taking the cute ones out to dinner." "You're right." "We could help multiples all over the world." "Build Fetus Land." "Euro Fetus Land." "We could have the Fallopian Tube Water Slides." "The Pirates of the Placenta." "Funnel cakes !" " Why funnel cakes ?" " 'Cause people love 'em !" "Hey, how was your time with Paul ?" "It was quintastic." " Lisa, what's wrong ?" " Paul left me." "What ?" "What are you talking about ?" "I found this note." "It's written on a napkin from the hotel bar." "This hotel has a bar ?" ""I'm sorry, Lisa, but I'm leaving "before the screaming nightmare begins." "I'm sure the six of you will be fine."" " Oh, no." " Oh, don't cry." "Maybe it's not as bad as it sounds." "Oh, look, there's something written on the back." "What does it say ?" ""P.S. I withdrew all the money from our..." Never mind." "Oh, God, no !" "Okay, okay, why don't you go up to your room and lie down ?" " We will find him." " Okay." "Yeah." " Bob, what did you do ?" " Me ?" " Why do you think it was my fault ?" " He was fine." "He spent time with you, now he's gone." " You're going to find him, Bob." " Or what ?" "Or else that poor woman is going to have to raise five children alone." "I meant, "Or what would happen to me ?"" "Your brother must be really bummed we switched." "It's like he traded in a pretty new sports car for a plain brown station wagon with glasses." "Yeah, I better make sure he's not too upset." "Ian ?" "Hallway ?" "What do you think they're talking about ?" "I have absolutely no idea." "Here." " I want to switch back." " Forget it," " you're stuck with her now." " I had her first." " Doesn't matter." " Guys." "Please." "I like it when boys fight over me, but not when someone gets hurt." " I want to be with Penny." " I want to be with Penny." " Really ?" " I think you're confused." "She's Penny, I'm Paige." "It's nothing personal, it's just, Penny's such a better kisser." "I don't understand." "I'm the pretty sports car." "Yeah, well, sounds like they'd rather drive me." "Oh, thank God, you don't have an earring." "Baby, I don't need a stud to be a stud." "No, I mean, when I see a guy with one, I just go crazy." "I can barely keep my clothes on." "Oh, earring." "I've got an earring." "I'll go put it in." " Really ?" "But your ear's not pierced." " Sure it is." "I'll be right back." "Oh, God !" "Get ready to rip your clothes off." "Mom ?" "Listen, Patton, I need the room to make some calls." " Did she just call you Patton ?" " It-It's my nickname." "Your nickname's your brother's name ?" " Yeah." "She's a little warped." " Oh." "All right." "Maybe we should go and hang out with Andrea and Patton..." "Patton." "Good idea." "Why don't you go ahead and, uh, I'll meet you there ?" "I can explain." "Good news." "Peter and Nancy are coming over." "Really ?" "When ?" "Now." "Got to get some snacks." " Hi." "Where's... ?" " Hey, babe." "Six dollars for the picture and another 14 for the frame." " Thanks." " You're selling pictures now ?" "Not just pictures." "T-shirts." "Baseball caps." "Insurance." "Why are they coming out so fast ?" "'Cause I got ten people packed in there at once." "At once ?" "That defeats the whole purpose of the womb room." "No, it doesn't." "The only purpose of the womb room is to get me rich." "What have I done ?" "Letting you go in there alone has made you think only of yourself." "This machine doesn't help people." "It creates selfish, single-born monsters." " We're shutting down." " Over my dead body !" "All right, keep moving in." "Pearce." "I'm your brother." "Don't kill me." "I just wanted money to buy CDs and stuff." "Relax." "I'm not going to kill you." "I'm just gonna perform the mother of all hysterectomies." "Paige, stop Frenching your hand and come back in the room." "So, you're a bad kisser." "You've got other good qualities." "You've got a great sense of humor." "I do ?" "Yeah, you made me laugh really hard that time I found out you were a bad kisser." "There, you did it again." "This doesn't make any sense." "There's something wrong with those guys." "There's no way you're a better kisser than me." " Penny, come back in." " We miss you !" "That's it." "I want to see what you're doing that's so great." " Show me." " Do it with me." "Do it with me." "I'm not going to make out with one of my two boyfriends while you watch." " I'm a lady." " Fine." "One of you be Penny, and I'll be you, and you can show me how she kisses." " Okay." "You can do it." " No, that's okay, you go." " No, really, I insist." " No, seriously, just go..." " One of you just kiss me !" " Fine." "Okay, I'm you, and you're Penny." "Kiss me." "What's so special about that ?" "Penny's not done yet." "What ?" "Paul, I have been looking all over for you." " Thank God you came back." " Oh, I'm not back." "I just need my credit card." "We switched by mistake when you made me split the tab for those onion rings." "So, Lisa, try and calm down." "Oh, shoot, I forgot my key." "That's them." "You better not tell her I'm here." " Or what ?" " Or..." "Or I'll open these $14 nuts." "I swear to God !" "All right, take it easy." "Let's not do anything we're going to regret." "Bob, are you in there ?" " Well ?" " Hey, guys, what's up ?" " Did you find him ?" " Oh, I'm sure he'll turn up." "I mean, he may be upset, but he's not nuts." "He's not coming back." "I'm never gonna see him again !" "Yes, you will." " Paul ?" " You've been hiding him ?" " You double crossing..." " No." "Nobody move !" "I can scoop 'em back into the can." "Bob, leave the nuts." "I can't believe you ran out on me." "What kind of husband are you ?" "Oh, so, he ran away." "I mean, who wouldn't ?" " You'd have to be crazy not to." " You didn't run away." " No, I didn't run." " I drove." " What ?" " It was nothing." "Once when the kids were two, I went out for diapers, and I sort of ended up at the Canadian border." "Oh, my God." "You tried to go to Canada ?" " I'm sorry." " I tried to go to Mexico." "When they were five and seven." " What is wrong with you people ?" " Nothing." "Everybody who has quintuplets runs." "And-And-And you're going to run, too." "But unless you're a worse person than any of us, which I doubt, you'll come back." "So what you're trying to say is, as long as we stick together, everything will be okay." " Yes." " No." "No matter what you do, it's going to be a nightmare." " Oh, my God." " I wouldn't say nightmare." "No, no, you're right, you're right, you're right." "Nightmare is sugarcoating it." ""Try a picnic." "They are fun."" "When those little demons crawl out of your body, your life becomes a living hell." ""Freshen the diaper pail with a stick of vanilla."" "And let's talk about what it does to your body after five babies have played tug-of-war with your boobs." "I can't believe Patton isn't back yet." "Maybe I should just leave." "Uh, I'll go with you if you want." "No." "I'll go find him." "Wait here." "Hey, I'm back." "Where's Peter ?" "How come you and Peter are never here at the same time ?" "And why are you wearing his earring ?" "I know what's going on." "You're obviously pretending to be twins in order to hook up with us." "Oh, come on, do you really think I'd do something like that ?" "I mean, Peter, maybe." "Please." "Do you think we're stupid ?" "We know there's no Patton, Peter." "I swear I'm Patton." "I'll go find him, and you'll see." "So, there you are, Peter." "Where have you been ?" "None of your business." "Stay out of my face." "Or what ?" "Or I'll kick your ass, shorty." "You're only an inch taller than me, and I'm sick of you rubbing it in my face." "Ow, you jerk !" "Oh... !" "Oh !" "Ooh." "Aah, my hair- let go of it !" "Let go of earring." "Get off !" "My elbow." "Ow !" "You're breaking my elbow !" "Aah, my knee." "My..." "I can explain." " No, I can't." " Hi." " Hi." " You girls want to hang out ?" " Okay." "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "You believe they're twins." "Transcripts :" "Raceman Synchro :" "Van'"