"So, what do you want?" "Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn and a Slushee." "What are you doing?" "Building an ass bomb?" " Pick two." " Okay." " Popcorn and Milk Duds." " Fine." " Large popcorn." " Okay." "But I'll still need a Slushee so I don't choke to death on a Milk Dud." " All right." " And ask them to pump nacho cheese on the popcorn." "Oh, that reminds me." "I got a date tonight." "That reminds you?" "Yeah, and I'm gonna need your help." " My help?" " Next." "Hang on." "A large popcorn with cheese a large Slushee and a jumbo box of Milk Duds." " You want anything?" "My treat." " I'm okay." "I'll just eat whatever lands on the kid's shirt." "You're gonna go hungry." "That's it." "So, what about this date?" "She's got a friend visiting from out of town, and I said fine." "You know, two's company, three's a sandwich." "But for some reason she insists on the friend having her own date." " So you're asking me?" " Yeah." "The two of us out making the scene with a couple of hot chicks?" "Oh, Lord, never mind." "Don't be silly, it'll be fun." "We never double." " That's not an accident, Alan." " Come on." "Please, please, please?" " All right, save your begging for the date." " I never beg." "I grovel." "I guess I'll have to find a babysitter for Jake." "I don't need a babysitter." "Nothing's gonna happen to me." "Worried about you?" "I'm worried about my house." "That's $24.50." "Whoa." "Okay." "Oh, jeez." " What?" " I walked out of the house without my wallet." "Can you believe it?" "Strangely enough, I can." " Twenty-four-fifty, please." " Hang on." "I know what happened." "You drove, it didn't occur to me to pick up my wallet." "The only reason I drove is because you said your car was low on gas." "Twenty-four-fifty, please." "Just a minute." "You said you'd pay for parking which you won't be able to do because you "forgot" your wallet." "Don't make a big deal, I'll pay next time." " That's what you said last time." " Yes, but this time I forgot my wallet." "Twenty-four-fifty, please!" "Fine, I'll pay." "You know what, why don't you throw in a bagel dog, make it an even 30." "Okay." "Uncle Charlie and I are leaving now." " Bye." " I'm trusting you to act responsibly..." " ...and go to bed at a reasonable hour." " Okay." "You know, this is a real turning point for you." "You're taking care of yourself." "You're becoming a man." "You too." "Boy, it seems like only yesterday that I brought you home from the hospital." "You were" " You were like a little wrinkly pig with colic." "Yeah, are you going or not?" " Are you ready?" " Hang on." "Goodbye, my son." "Save it for the date, Dad." "Don't burn the place down, and if you do, don't be here when I get back." "He knows to drink the cheap Scotch, not the single malt, right?" " Not funny." " I'm not joking." "He's probably just gonna mix it with Hawaiian Punch anyway." "Oh, God, I am so full." "I don't think I could put another thing in my mouth." "I hope that's just a figure of speech." "This is such a beautiful restaurant." "They don't have anything like this back home." "Really?" "They don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?" "Oh, well, yeah." "I mean, we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's but you never see movie stars like we did here." "Nina, they're just regular people." "And technically, I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star." "Well, I thought it was very exciting." "Since I'm only in town for the weekend I think we should go absolutely crazy tonight." "Is it too late to switch dates?" "I'm up for that." " No kidding." " As long as we can switch back." "Alan, I believe it's time we get the check." " Agreed." " Check, please." " Be right back." " Where you going?" "The little boys' room." "He means the little cheap bastards' room." " What's that, Charlie?" " Nothing." "Excuse me." "Back home we just call it the crapper." "I thought you had to pee." "I did." "I do." "I am." " Nice girls." " Yeah, they're terrific." "No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants." "Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis." "Uh-oh." " What are you doing?" " What do you think I'm doing?" "Amazing." "This might take a while, Charlie." "All right, let's play." "What are you doing?" "CHARLIE:" "What do you think I'm doing?" "Okay." "Okay." " Hey, Alan?" " Yeah?" "This might take a while." "Where's Jennifer?" "She went into the caretaker's shack to look for Corey." " You stay here." "I'll go find her." " No, I'm coming with you." "Will you people quit going into the caretaker's shack?" "Corey?" "Are you in here?" "No, you idiot." "Corey's been dead for an hour." "Corey?" "Man, I should have went to bed." "Are you crazy?" "Well, there are several schools of thought on that." "So your dad let you stay by yourself tonight." "Why not?" "I'm old enough." "I don't need a babysitter." "Okay." "Well, then I'll leave you to your movie." "Wait, wait, you don't have to go." "Want a Pop-Tart?" "Sure, why not?" "So, what do I need to know?" "Well, basically, when a guy has half a face, you leave him alone." " Charlie, you still there?" " I told you it might take a while." "Well, I guess this train isn't ready to leave the station." "You know what they say, better to be on the toilet and not have to go than to have to go and not be on the toilet." "Really?" "And who says that?" "I don't know." "It's folk wisdom." "The liquid soap is a nice idea for the house, don't you think?" "I guess." "Makes sense when you think about it." "Wash your hands with a bar of soap you're passing your germs on to the next guy but with the liquid soap, it's not an issue." "Good idea." "I'll tell Berta to pick up some liquid soap." "Great." "Great." "How funny is Berta?" "She is a pistol." "Don't wanna get athlete's hand." "Another good idea for the house." "Uh-oh." "Don't even think about it." " Where'd they go?" " Your lady friends left 20 minutes ago." " What?" "Why?" " Said life was too short." "Are you happy?" "All right, just give me the check." "Which you and I will split." "Not necessary." "Mr. Rivera took care of it before he left with the ladies." "I guess they'll find out how at large he really is." " Unbelievable." " I know." "We got a free dinner." "Boy, college students are really stupid." "Yeah, if you shouldn't run with scissors you definitely shouldn't run with hedge clippers." "I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing because I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap." "Blaming me because I had to go to the bathroom?" "You didn't have to, you were trying to stick me with the check." "Oh, I see." "So you know my bowels better than I do?" "I will when I pull them out through your nostrils." "I don't have to listen to this." "What's your hurry?" "You see a check coming?" "What do you think?" "Should we watch the rest of the movie?" "Might as well." "I'm not gonna sleep tonight anyway." " Leave me alone, Charlie." " No, no, no." "No." "Let's get this out in the open." "There's nothing to get out." "I had to go to the bathroom." "Even though I don't have much money, I was prepared to split the check." "Not fifty-fifty, you had better wine and your date had two appetizers, but my fair share." " What are you doing?" " What do you think?" "Alan, you can sit but you can't hide." "I'm going to shower and get ready for bed." "You're kidding." "You're gonna walk away from me?" "Well, Charlie, when you're being irrational you leave me no choice." "I'm not being irrational." "You wanna see irrational?" "Here's irrational." "Oh, great." "My lamp." "What the hell?" "I don't freaking believe it." "Charlie, the pizza's here." "So it is." " Hey, why don't I get this one?" " Hey, why don't you?" "What?" "No wallet?" " I'll be right back." " I'll wait." " There you go, Mr. Harper, 22.75." " Thanks, Gordon." "Hang on." "Keep the change." " Wow." "Thanks." " Oh, Gordon, wait, wait, wait." " You gotta hear something." " Hear what?" "Shh." "Wait for it." " Was that it?" " Yep." "Thanks for waiting." "Looking for something?" "Yeah, my wallet." "Here it is." " Oh." "Oh, thanks." " Wow." "The legendary lost wallet of Alan Harper." "Funny." "Oh, my, there's no money in here." " No?" " No." "How were you gonna pay for the pizza, Alan?" "I have, um..." " I have" " What is it, Alan?" "What do you have?" " Nothing." " You sure?" "Oh, where did you find that?" "I mean, what is that?" "About $5000 in small bills." "Wow, that much?" "A little less, since I paid for the pizza." "And tipped the guy a 50." " You gave him a $50 tip?" " Yep." "Now I'm gonna go light my cigar with a hundred." "Wait, wait, wait." "Wait, wait, wait." "I just remembered." "I lost a big roll of bills that looked a lot like that one." "Really?" "It's yours?" "I had no idea." "An honest mistake." "Give me." "You can understand my confusion." "A guy's got this kind of cash, you'd think he'd be able to pay for his own freaking bagel dog." "You don't understand." "The money isn't for me." "Really?" "Who's it for?" "Old Alan." " Old Alan?" " Yeah." "You know, the Alan of the future." "You're kidding." "They're still gonna have Alans in the future?" "No, see, the thing is, I've been going through a kind of a rough financial time since, well, high school." "It occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to care for me." "I mean, who will old Alan be able to count on?" "Certainly not Jake, because let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport." "So I decided that whenever somebody in the office paid in cash I'd put it away for old Alan." " What about the IRS?" " Them?" "They don't care about old Alan." "Okay, let me get this straight." "You're squirreling away money for old Alan while young Alan sponges off of dumb Charlie." "I wouldn't call you dumb." "Sweet Charlie, loving Charlie." " Can I have my money now?" " You have a serious problem, my friend." "Yes, I do." "No question." "Now give me my money." " You need help." " I know, but who can afford it?" "All right." "You know what I want you to do with this money?" "Come on, man." "I'm already constipated." "You're gonna spend it." "Every penny." "But" " But what about old Alan?" "What will he do?" "Well, I'm guessing old Alan will be living on old Charlie's hide-a-bed until they bag him and tag him." "Really?" "You mean no matter what, I can always count on you?" "Keep the money." "There you go." "Enjoy your movie." " Hi, Charlie." " Hey, bro." "I'll take a big box of Milk Duds." "Sure." "That's $25." " Anything for your lady friend?" " That's okay." "She doesn't eat." "Food." " Keep the change." " Oh, thanks, Charlie." "I can always count on you." "Come on, baby." "Can you believe I'm older than him?" "Boy, that's some hot chick." "Yeah." " Don't eat the popcorn, Jake." " Sorry, Dad."