"[PEOPLE LAUGHING]" " WOMAN 1:" "Looks just as good." " MAN 2:" "Where do you get these?" " MAN 2:" "He's got a million." " WOMAN 2:" "They're so funny." "Just remember, don't mention the Communists." "Calvin's a great guy, but he's a little...." " Nutty?" " What's his wife like?" " You know, housewife." " Likes to cook." " Pregnant." " Normal, then." "I wouldn't go that far." " Helen." "Hi." " Oh, hi, Betty." " Hi, Dave." " Just look at you." " Any day now." " Say hi to my sister, Ruth..." "Tell me if you heard this one." " A duck walks into a drugstore." " Ha, ha." "He says, "I'd like some lip gloss."" "The clerk says, "Certainly, sir." "Will this be cash or check?"" " The duck says, "Put it on my bill." Ah?" " Ha-ha-ha." "[LAUGHING]" "Oh, brother." "He was a golden-boy professor at Caltech." "But then he started inventing things." "He suddenly became very rich, and that was it, he quit teaching." " How's that?" " Just what the doctor ordered." "Ha, ha!" "Calvin spends all of his time out there, tinkering around in the workshop." "If you ask me, it's all very strange." "CALVIN:" "Same is true of batteries." "I could take your simple yacht battery and rig it to last a decade, easily." "WOMAN:" "Say, Helen... what does Calvin think about this trouble down in Cuba?" "Oh, for heaven's sakes, please don't bring that up." "I'd say my baseball card collection is as complete as any one I've ever seen." "Calvin?" "Hey, Calvin, Calvin." "Kennedy is going toe to toe with Khrushchev on television right now." " What?" " Ooh, boy." "On the island of Cuba... unmistakable evidence has established the fact... that a series of offensive missile sites... is now in preparation on that imprisoned island." "Tower, this is Wolf 1." "I got five miles to the overhead." "TOWER [OVER RADIO]:" "Wolf 1, Tower, report the numbers." "You're number one for the overhead." "[BEEPING]" "Tower, this is Wolf 1, I got a problem here." "TOWER:" "State your problem, Wolf 1." "Are you declaring an emergency?" "Stand by, 1." "KENNEDY:" "Additional sites appear to be designed... for intermediate-range ballistic missiles... and thus capable of striking most of the major cities... in the western hemisphere." "Folks, given this extraordinary turn of events..." "I think it's prudent we cut this evening short." "I'm sure this Cuban thing will resolve itself... but in the meantime..." "I suggest we take a prayerful watch-and-wait stance." "Okay, folks, let's go." "Bye, Helen." "Wish it could have been longer." " My coat." " Oh, here you go." "I'll call you, Betty." "What did I tell you?" "[WHISTLES]" "Thank you." "[HELEN GROANS]" "I'm not gonna let this pot roast go to waste." "Calvin, could you put that seat cushion back on the lawn chair, honey?" "Shouldn't we at least turn off the phonograph?" " It shuts off automatically." " Oh." "Did you rig it to do that?" " They all do." " Oh." "I never know anymore." "[JET PASSING]" "I'll bet that's a fighter jet on its way to Key West." "Good luck, amigo." "MAN [ON RADIO]:" "An emergency has been declared." "An emergency has been declared." "You hear that?" "I'll come back for the radio." "Oh, Calvin, I wish you would've at least let me do the dishes." "It's not gonna be easy to get all this dried-on food off my nice plates." "I just hope those plates are not radioactive by tomorrow." "Well, cheese is particularly troublesome." "I've got secondaries of an engine fire." "I'm gonna need to find a clear area to eject." "TOWER:" "Roger, Wolf 1." "Can you make it to the ocean?" "Roger that, Tower." "I'm marking the 180 radial for five and ejecting, Tower." "TOWER:" "Roger, Wolf 1." "HELEN:" "So how long will we have to stay down here?" "CALVIN:" "For this thing to blow over could take days." "HELEN:" "Days?" "Honey, what if I go into labor?" "That could happen any time now." "CALVIN:" "I've read up on it." "If I have to, I'll deliver the baby myself." "[BUZZES]" "[ENGINE SPUTTERING]" "Home, sweet home." "To you, maybe." " Are you all right?" " I think so." "Aah!" "It's happened." "Aah, look at that heat." "All my surface indicators knocked out." "Oh, Lord!" "It's happened." "[MACHINERY CLANGING]" "What was that noise?" "The locks." "The locks?" "To keep us from trying to leave." "There's a radiation half-life after an atomic blast." "It lasts 35 years." "Thirty-five years?" "Then, after that, it's safe to go up." "According to Caltech, this Webber guy was a bona fide genius... but a borderline nutcase." "Well, he and Mrs. Nutcase must have been out here when the plane hit." "Unless we get a postcard or something, that'd be my guess." " What about relatives?" " They're all back east." "Neighbors over there said the guy spent day and night out here." "She'd bring him sandwiches and hot Dr Pepper." " He drank it hot?" " Yeah." "Good God." "[CALVIN WHISTLING "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN"]" "Hi, hon." "Feeling better?" "No." "We have to be strong... if not for ourselves, for the child." "All our friends...." "Burnt to a crisp." " I'm not hungry." " Hot Dr Pepper." "Your favorite." "No, Calvin, your favorite." "Really?" "Chilly?" "Shouldn't be." " Temperature's a nice 73 degrees." " Oh, maybe I've just got the creeps." "How could you?" "This is just like home." "No." "No, Calvin." "This is different, believe me." "Would you like a tranquilizer?" " You've got tranquilizers?" " I told you, I have everything." " What?" " Oh." "Oh, hon." "It's gonna be all right." "Yeah." "Just breathe." "I'll get my stuff." "[PERRY COMO'S "IT'S A GOOD DAY" PLAYING]" "COMO [SINGING]:" "Oh, it's a good day For singing' a song" "And it's a good day For moving' along" "Yes, it's a good day How could anything go wrong?" "A good day From mornin' till night" " Yes it's a good day" " CHORUS:" "It's a lovely day" "COMO:" "For shining' your shoes" " And it's a good day" " CHORUS:" "If you want a silver linin'" "COMO:" "For losing' the blues" "Everything to gain And nothing to lose" "[BABY CRYING]" "'Cause it's a good day From mornin' to night" "CHORUS:" "You're right!" "COMO:" "I said to the sun "Good mornin', sun!"" " Is there a problem?" " No, Calvin, babies cry." " I've noticed." " What should we call him?" "I don't know." "Well, I was thinking in light of the situation... we should call him Adam." " That's not sacrilegious, is it?" " No, I think it's just right." "And I was wondering if...." "If...." "Whatever you want, Helen." "I want a bedroom ceiling." "You got it." "COMO: 'Cause it's a good day For paying' your bills" "And it's a good day For curing' your ills" "So take a deep breath Throw away all your pills" "'Cause it's a good day From mornin' till night" "See, I flick this switch... and the image is projected onto a mirror... and the picture comes out here, and it's perfect." " Well, almost perfect." " ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:" "Jackie Gleason." "You know something?" "People will never get tired of watching these." "CALVIN:" "Lord... bless this food, this family... and make us ever mindful of the needs of others." " Amen." " Amen." "Let's eat." "Calvin?" " Out here, hon." " Oh, there you are." "We've looked all over for you." "What are you doing back here?" " I was just examining this rear hatchway." " Why?" "Well, it's pretty clear that when the bomb went off, the front entrance caved in... so, you know, we'll have to return to the surface using this back entrance... which is very nice because it has the service elevator." " Unless it's caved in too." " Well, yes." " You wanted to see me?" " Yes." "You ready, Adam?" "Watch this." "He can stand up all by himself." "Show Daddy." " All by himself." "Stand up, Adam." " That's my guy." "Stand up." "My son." "Up, Adam, to the moon." "MAN:" "Hey, boss." "What do you make of this?" " BOSS:" "Damned if I know." " MAN:" "Bet it's some kind of septic tank." "Never seen a septic tank that looked like that." "Don't fool with it." "If it is a septic tank, I don't wanna open it." "We'll just lay the foundation over it." ""In Wonderland."" "I'd like to see the public school system match that." "I don't care how terrific it is." "Don't you think he's a little young for school?" "People have no idea what the human mind is capable of." "Look, Daddy." "Alice went down a hole, just like us." "Will I ever get to go up on top?" "Yes, you certainly will, and you'll find a nice girl... and rebuild America just the way it used to be." "Oh, Calvin." "I'm not sure we should be making promises that perhaps can't be kept." "I'm convinced there'll be other survivors." "In fact, I'm guessing there's life on the surface even now." "Not life worth living, perhaps, but believe me... something is moving around up there." "[JAN AND DEAN'S "SURF CITY" PLAYS ON JUKEBOX]" "I'm gonna need two more banana splits and a Cherry Coke." "You bet, Mom." "Coming up." "Oh, by the way, Mom, thanks for the job." " Buck-15 an hour." " He's cute." "Your husband is crazy." "[LAUGHING]" "ALICE [ON TV]:" "All right, what's the big news?" " Ha-ha-ha." "Ah." " Oh, you're a riot." "Oh, what a riot you are." "Ha-ha-ha." " Watch this." " RALPH:" "Very funny." "Ha-ha-ha!" " Ha-ha-ha!" " RALPH:" "You're a real riot." "They're coming now to put you on a stage." "RALPH:" "There's been complaints about me on the bus." "He's sending me to the company psychiatrist." " ALICE:" "Psychiatrist?" " RALPH:" "Yeah, psychiatrist." " And that means I'm crazy." " ALICE:" "Oh, don't be silly, Ralph." "Just sending you to a psychiatrist doesn't mean you're crazy." "CALVIN:" "Stick it." "That's right." "Hook off the jab." "That's right." "Bob and weave." "Bob and weave." "Okay." "Bob and weave." "Excuse me, boys, but I believe it's my turn now." "Three, four, five... five, six, six, spin." " CALVIN:" "May I cut in?" " You certainly may." "Thank you, sir." "I miss those nice flower-power kids." "How about you?" "Ugh." "[BARRY WHITE'S "CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE" PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]" "WHITE:" "I've heard people say" "What the hell kind of music is that?" "Oh, man." "I'm not sure I like that." "MAN:" "Change it." "WHITE:" "We've shared love and made love" "It's just not enough" "[SINGING] Oh, oh, babe" "My darling, I" "Can't get enough of your love, babe" "These are stock certificates." "Your mom and I bought them for you." "Of course, they're worthless now, but at one time they were quite valuable." "They're pretty." "Could I have them?" "Heh." "Sure." "Now, let's move on to our French exam." "Latin exam, Dad." "It's Tuesday." "Gosh, it is Tuesday." "Time flies, doesn't it?" "[SPEAKING IN LATIN]" "[BOTH SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]" "[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]" "[LAUGHING]" "[IN ENGLISH] You have a wonderful sense of humor, son, I must say." "The acorn does not fall very far from the tree." "ADAM:" "Oh, no!" "Agh!" "Oh, jeez." "No." " I got you." " I got..." " Hi, hon." " Hi." "ADAM:" "This is wonderful." "It's my baseball card collection." "It's yours now." " What's baseball?" " It's a game, son." "I can explain it pretty easily." "You see, there's a pitcher." "Oh, like a painting?" "No." "A pitcher." "Like one of Mom's?" "No, there's a man who throws the ball to a man who has a bat." " Oh, the nocturnal flying mammal?" " No." "[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY ON JUKEBOX]" "I'm selling this place." "I want out of this hellhole." "Whoa." "Uh...." "Could I, uh...?" "If you sell, uh...." "Me...." "Could I, uh...?" " Buy it from me?" " Yeah, yeah, that's it." " I'll give it to you, no money down." " Cool." "This neighborhood's going to hell, anyway." "At last!" "I am master of all I survey!" "CALVIN:" "No, no." "Listen." "I'm only gonna explain this one more time." "The runner on second goes to third." " It's..." "He's out there." " ADAM:" "Why?" "CALVIN:" "Because he's forced out." "It's..." "It's a force." " ADAM:" "Then why go there?" " CALVIN:" "Because he must." " Calvin." " CALVIN:" "Coming." "Yes, dear?" "You get the presents, I'll get the lights." "You bet." "HELEN  CALVIN [SINGING]:" "Happy birthday to you" "And many more" "Ha!" "Thanks, Mom." "Thank you, Dad." "Blow out the candles." " Make a wish." " Um...." "Here." "[ADAM CHUCKLES]" "Oh, boy, a jacket." " Your mom made that all by herself." " No kidding?" "No kidding." "Who else would have done it?" "I made these." "Holy cow." "What the heck are these?" "It's your roller skates, yup." "I redesigned them." "These are really swell." "I mean swell." "Well, what did you wish for, son?" " If he tells, it won't come true." " That's a bunch of baloney." " My family never believed that." " Well, we did, in my family." "I wished that I could meet a girl." " Oh, well, a nice one?" " Yes, ma'am." " One that doesn't glow in the dark." " Calvin Webber, what a thing to say." "Well, we'll be going up in two years." "We'll know then." "I'm very hopeful." "Me too." " Elbows, son." " Mm?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Mom." "What the heck am I thinking tonight?" "Well, you never know." "You might someday dine with the president." "If we still have one." "Ha, ha." "You know, when we do go up, I'm gonna miss this place." "How about you, hon?" "Would you please excuse me?" "No, no, no, don't get up." "[SCREAMING]" "[SNORING]" " Should we say a prayer first?" " Just open the door." "CALVIN:" "Long time." "Well, it's dirty... but it seems to be okay." "[CHUCKLING]" "CALVIN:" "I know you're happy." "Do we just go on up?" "No, son." "Now is the time we must be at our most cautious." " We wait for night." " Oh, shit." "CALVIN:" "Helen Thomas Webber... maybe we have been down here a little too long." "Pardon her French, son." ""Shit" is French?" "Well, it's archaic French." "It's a 16th-century colloquialism meaning, roughly, "good."" "HELEN:" "Your father's right." "Well... shit." "Ah." "BARTENDER:" "All of these things..." "Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, uh, Heroin Anonymous..." "There's a Heroin Anonymous?" "Will you please shut up?" "Sorry, sorry." "All of these things ask you to believe in a power greater than yourself." "Well, I have lifted my eyes skyward a time or two... and I certainly have not seen anything coming from up there." "Except a goddamn airplane." "Which I can't afford to get on." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Whoa, earthquake." "Another earthquake." "Let her come, let her come." "Let's get this over with." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, God, save me." "For I have seen the light." "I come... in peace." "Leave my elevator alone." "[DOGS BARKING]" "[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]" "What happened to my back yard?" "[CRASH]" "Got a light, honey?" "A light?" "Yes, I do have a light." "Good." "Thank you." " So you survived the blast." " The blast?" "Ha, ha." "Honey, I've survived a host of things." "Like the song says, a country boy can survive." "Did you say you were a country boy?" "Cute little old man, if you want a boy, I can be a boy... and if you want a girl, I can be a girl." "I can be whatever you want me to be." " Really?" " Uh-huh." "It's all yours for the remarkably low price of $200." "And if you act now, I may even throw in some free lawn furniture." "Now, how about that?" "No." "Thanks." " Thank you." "I have to go." " Go." "I have to go." "Get out of here, you old drunk." "Surprise." "Bang!" "Ha-ha-ha." "Oh!" "No!" "I'm gonna give it to you straight." "There's no point beating around the bush." "There were survivors." "Apparently, the fallout has created a subspecies, mutants." "Mutants?" "Not a pretty sight." "Some eat out of garbage cans, others..." "Cover your ears, son, and hum." "I mean that literally." "I mean it right now." "[ADAM HUMMING]" "Others are multisexual." "It seems they can be both masculine and feminine simultaneously." " No." " Yes." " I don't believe it." " Believe it." "He tried to sell me his body, Helen." "They offer lawn furniture as a come-on." "All right." "They have done a lot of rebuilding... though society, at least as we know it, has totally collapsed." "People throw up in the streets." "Others point guns." "There's something terribly wrong with the automobiles." "I can't tell you the rest, I just can't." "Maybe someday." " So, what do we do now?" " We stay down here." " We do?" " Yes." "We'll make do." "We have clothes, we have running water from a well." "I am convinced these mutants will kill each other off..." "No, Calvin, we won't make do." "Not me, not Adam." "We're going up." "I don't care how horrible it is." "We deserve it." " I am the head of this household." " I want him to at least see the sky." " We will." " The ocean, a mountain." "Do as I say!" "[GROANING]" " Dad?" " Ugh!" " Son...!" " Oh, Adam." "Oh, my goodness." "Let's get him to the bedroom." "He seems to be doing all right now." "I don't know if he had a heart attack... or just a horrifying experience, but we need supplies... and I've gotta stay with him." "I'll go up." " I'm afraid you must." " I'll be all right." "My brave boy." "Just act normal." "And if anyone asks, simply say:" ""I'm from out of town." "I'm here on business."" " Here on business." " Write that down." "Now, I'm gonna give you a shopping list and some money." "We'll need enough to get through the next year or two." "You'll find these items at what used to be called a grocery store... or a hardware store." "Write that down." "I don't know how far you'll have to travel to find supplies... but if you can't get home by nightfall, I want you to look for a Holiday Inn." "It's a hotel." "Write that down." "There might still be one left standing." "Oh." " Well, let's get you packed." " Right." "Just hope this is still good up there." " Say, Mom?" " Yes, dear?" "I was wondering, um... you know, while I was up there and all, I was thinking...." "Well, you know, I was wondering if maybe I could, uh... meet a girl." "I've been thinking about that a little." "Just these last 15 years or so." "Oh, Adam, it would be wonderful if you could meet a girl." "One who's not a mutant and hopefully comes from Pasadena." "Nothing against Valley girls, but in my day, anyhow... girls from Pasadena, I don't know, just always seemed a little bit nicer." "Oh, and, son, there's also something called a liquor store." "Write that down." "Liquor store." "HELEN:" "Calvin?" "Son." "Adam." "ADAM:" "Yes, Father?" "Don't forget:" "Stay out of the adult bookstore." "ADAM:" "Adult bookstore." "Why?" "Poison gas." "Invisible." "Don't forget." "I promise." "Is that all?" "Uh." "One more thing." "If you find a healthy young woman... bring her on down." "ADAM:" "Yes, sir." "Uh." "[HUMMING]" "Are you all right?" "Yes, yes." "Oh, Lord, yes." "Are you the one who came last night all in yellow?" "All in yellow?" "Oh, that was my father." "Oh, of course." "The father." "Forgive me." "Can you forgive me for my wasted life?" "Everything has been so awful." "I know, it has been terrible." "But it's not your fault." "And now that all the decay is over with, things are going to get better." " You understand?" " Yes, yes." " Well, I have to go now." " Of course, of course you do." " I'll stay here and pray." " See, now, that's always a good idea." "Yeah." "How do I leave this place?" "Uh, the front door is open." "Will you be back?" "I promise." "[CRYING]" "[CHANTING]" "What?" "What is it?" "The sky." " The sky?" "Where?" " Up there." " I don't see anything." " Just look." "What is it?" "MAN:" "He says he sees something." " What is it?" " The sky." "I see it, Mommy." "I have never in my life seen anything like it before." "Or like you." "What are you looking at?" "Oh, my lucky stars, a Negro." " Say what?" " How do you do, ma'am?" "I do all right." " Ha, ha." "Good." " Okay?" "What is it?" "What do you see?" "Oh, we were just looking at the..." " Oh, no!" " What?" "Poisonous gas!" "Run for your life!" "Run!" "Run!" "Run for your life!" "Invisible poisonous gas!" " You know..." " Aah!" "I just wanna say..." "I think he's gonna be fine." "Thank you, Calvin." "Thank you very much." "He's smart." "Yes, dear, I know." "But he's still such a baby." "He's a man." "He's a baby man." "I tried to give the driver this, but he wouldn't take it." "Seems kind of angry." "Lot of people do." "Oh, boy." "Here we go." "Hold on, everyone." "Hold on." "Wow." "Ha-ha-ha." "So this is public transportation." "My father says it becomes more and more important because of pollution... which is more and more carbon dioxide and other hazardous gases in the air." "Do you have a gun, by the way?" "Oh." "Well, thank you for not waving it around." "And for not vomiting, for that matter." "Say, do you know where I could find a grocery store?" "I have to find that." "That and a hardware store and a liquor store..." " ...and a standing Holiday Inn." " Uh..." "Uh..." " ...there's a grocery store up the street." " Where?" "Where?" " Up there." " Oh, thank you." "Driver, please stop the bus immediately." "I wish to get off." " Please stop the bus, sir." " Stop the bus!" " MAN:" "Paper or plastic?" " WOMAN:" "Paper, please." "MAN:" "Do you have a club card?" "Here you go." "WOMAN [ON INTERCOM]:" "I need a price check on Register 4..." "Diet Dr Pepper six-pack." " Ah-ha!" " Ha." "[BABBLING]" "WOMAN [ON INTERCOM]:" "A manager to the front, check approval, Register 1." "Can I help you?" "Oh, yes." "Uh, I'd like to get some all-beef patties." "Fresh or frozen?" "Come on." "Frozen." "How much are they?" "Frozen they're 6.30 a dozen in a 3-pound box." "ADAM:" "Twelve into 900 is 75." "That's almost $500 just for the hamburger." "My mother only gave me $3000 for everything." "The yacht batteries, the pipe tobacco... the diesel oil, the bleach, the floss, the birthday candles...." "You could get a meat order that big delivered to your home." " Really?" " Sure." "Oh, well, that's terrific." "Heh." "Except it just occurred to me that I don't know where home is." "I'm lost." " Do you know where I live?" " No." " Will you please excuse me?" " Gladly." "Thank you." "Driver, please stop the bus." "[BELL CHIMES]" " ADAM:" "Hello." " Hi." "The name's Adam Webber, and I see that you buy baseball cards." "Although these are older than the ones in the window..." "I was hoping that you still might be interested." "Uh..." "Oh, ahem." "How much you want for this Mickey Mantle rookie season?" "Well, I was hoping to sell all of the cards." "MAN:" "Really?" "No kidding?" "All I have are hundred-dollar bills." "I need something smaller." " You know, ones, tens, fives." " I see what you mean." "I'll tell you what." "How about I give you $500 in small bills for the whole box?" " That would be wonderful." " EVE:" "Ah, shit." "MAN:" "I'm working here, Evie-poo, don't screw me up." "Yeah, I can see you're working, all right." "[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]" "Oh, you're French?" "No." "I'm from out of town." "I'm here on business." "EVE:" "Your business must not be sports memorabilia... because this one Mantle card right here?" "Worth $6000 all by its itty-bitty self." " Get out of here." " No, you get out of here." "MAN:" "Terrific." "You're fired, you know that, huh?" " I quit." " No, no, no, I fired you." "Just like the hair-salon guy and the Chevy dealer." "You know why you can't keep a goddamn job?" "Because you can't keep your goddamn mouth shut." "Excuse me, but I'd really appreciate it... if you wouldn't take the Lord's name in vain again." "You got a problem with that, partner?" "Yes, I have a big problem with that." "Come on, Heathcliff." "I'll walk you out." "Yes, ma'am, but my name's Adam." "Ha!" "Adam and Eve, the perfect match." "I hope the two of you will be very happy together." "Mazel-fucking-tov." "And don't come back, neither, Miss Big-Shot." "I'm serious, you're finished in the hobby business." " So where are we going?" " We?" "I'm going home." "Judging by that coat, you have to get back to barber college." "No, I'm lost." " Ugh." "You're lost?" " Uh-huh." "Say, did you just lose your job back there because of me?" "Oh, forget about it." "I'm sick of working for that dickhead." " Dickhead?" " Yes." "A walking penis capable of intelligent speech." "A dickhead." " What is wrong with you?" " I just had this mental picture..." "Here, help me pick these up." "Oh, thank you." " Where are you parked?" " I came on a bus." "Why does that not surprise me?" "I don't know, why doesn't it surprise you?" "Well, I guess because I'm a little psychic." " I have this thing." " Oh, that's nice." "Yeah." "Let me guess something." "This is your first visit to la-la land." "You're staying in Hollywood because like an idiot... you thought that would be exciting." "Am I right so far?" " So far." " Yes, I'm right?" " Right." " I knew it." "You get on a bus, and before you know it... you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue." " Correct again?" " Again." "Where are you staying?" "The Holiday Inn." "Whoa." "Yes, yes, the Holiday Inn, that's exactly right." "See?" "I'm psychic." "I mean, not completely, but pretty much." " Pretty good, huh?" " No, it was amazing." "Yeah, I know." "Thanks." "Anyhow, I'm gonna predict a bus for you." " You go down here..." " Do you own a car?" "Oh, no, sweetie." "Rule number one in North America:" "No strangers in the car." "Well, if it'll make you feel any better, I don't have a gun." "Oh." "Well, that changes everything." "Get away from me." "Oh, no." "I'm sorry, I said something wrong." "Please forgive me." " Get away from me." " I'll make you a deal." "I will give you a Rogers Hornsby if you take me to the hotel." "Rogers Hornsby?" "He's yours." "I was holding him back." " Rogers Hornsby's worth like $4000." " So what?" "I got two of them." "And this many Larry "Yogi" Berras and..." "And, uh...." "So for $4000, all I have to do is drive you to your hotel?" " Uh-huh." "Yes." " That's it?" "I don't have to take a physical on your spaceship?" "No, ma'am." "What?" "So, Mr. Andretti, your first time on the freeway?" "It's Webber." "Adam Webber." "Mind if I change the station?" "Better traffic reports on a.m." "Sure." " Wait." " What?" "What is it?" "Go back." "You had him, it's Perry." " Perry?" " Perry Como." "Go back, you had him." "Go back, go back." " Back, back." " Okay, okay." " That's it." " There." "[PERRY COMO'S "ROUND AND ROUND" PLAYING]" "[LAUGHS]" "I could die right now." " Over this?" " Yeah." "COMO [SINGING]:" "Happy sound As it goes along the ground" "Listen to this part." "This is where it really takes off." "Wait for it." "There." "COMO:" "You'll hold her round, round, round" "You are one scary son of a gun." "COMO:" "And your head Goes spinning round, round, round" "'Cause you found What you've been dreamin' of" "[HORN HONKING]" "You better slow down." "I can't help it." "Perry Como always does this to me." "I just get so cranked." "COMO:" "Makes a girl and boy wanna say" " Find the ring" " CHORUS:" "Find the ring" "COMO:" "And put it round, round, round" " EVE:" "Card, please, end of service." " That was wonderful." "I've never felt anything like that before in my life." "Yeah, same here." "Don't forget your suitcase." " Right." " You know, Eve...." "Hello." " Hi." " I would like to stay at this hotel." "Fill this out, please, and I'll need to see a card." " A card?" " Yes, sir." "Oh, of course." "[LAUGHS]" "Okay, then." "Ugh." "Bathroom's there, TV's there, remote is on top." "Room-service menu on the table." "Wow." "Oh, you, uh, dial nine to get out." "Of what?" "The hotel." "I see." "[OFF-HOOK SIGNAL]" "Well, thank you." "You've been very, very helpful." "I managed to get some change downstairs... and my father taught me in situations such as this... it's customary to give a tip." " Well, your father's a smart guy." " My father's a genius." "[WHISTLES]" "Okay." "All right, well, uh, here's your key, and good night, sir." "Thank you." "Good night, sleep tight." "Don't let the bedbugs bite." "That's what my mom always says." "Who I'm really beginning to miss, by the way." "I'm sorry." "It's my first night away from home." "How old are you?" "Thirty-five." " You don't look 35." " How old do I look?" " Oh, 25, around there." " Hmm." "I guess living up here makes people look older." "Up here on the 18th floor?" "Yes, up here on the 18th floor." "Good night." "[SCREAMING]" "Yes, you're absolutely right." "What in the hell am I doing here?" "That's what I'd like to know." "Somebody tell me that." "MAN [ON TV]:" "Natural oils, tropical fruits, flora, nuts, and protective sunscreens." "A complete sun-care line created by one man..." "[PHONE RINGING] for one reason..." "Yes?" "Hi." "This is the woman from the baseball card store." " Remember me?" " Oh, yes." "Hi." "Hello." "Hot diggity dog." "Thanks for calling me on the telephone." "Ha." "I'm so glad to see you." "I thought I'd never see you again." "Yeah, okay, okay." "Down, boy." "Listen, I can't take this for driving you home." "I wish I could, but I can't." " So here, take it back." " Uh-uh." "I would've left it at the front desk, but it's valuable." " I can't take that, it's yours." " Take it, damn it." "Okay." " Why are you doing that?" " Because I haven't brushed yet." "Oh, okay." "Well, so long." "Enjoy your visit." " Wait." "Eve, please wait." " Please, do not follow me." "Don't do it." "Oh, I knew this would happen." "You're like a lost puppy." "Can't you talk to me for one second?" " Just one little second, please?" " Okay." "Damn." "I should've taken the money and run." "That's what Troy told me to do, but did I listen?" "No." "Will you put your hand down?" "Who's Troy?" "Is he your husband?" " Or a boyfriend?" " No." " Thank you!" " Stop that, don't do that." "Listen, I know you like me, okay?" "I can tell." "But you know what?" "A lot of guys like me." "Not me exactly." "More like my legs, my butt or my hair or some combination of the above." "I think it's the eyes." "The eyes?" "Great, an eye man." "Anyhow, it never works out, okay?" "Not that you even need to know that." "You look like crap." "What have you been doing?" "Watching television in color." "In color?" "No kidding." " Mm-hm." "Cross my heart, hope to die." " Yeah." "See you." " Why doesn't it ever work out?" " What?" "Why doesn't it ever work out, you and men?" "Why?" "Who the hell knows?" "If you promise to leave me alone, I'll tell you why." "Okay." "It never works out because I am into legs and hair and butts myself, that's why." "I wind up with guys who are good-looking... but even more shallow than I am, if you can picture that." "Excuse me, I have to go find another low-paying job... where some guy named Jerry keeps telling me how lousy his marriage is." " Why not go to work for me?" " Doing what?" "Helping me sell all my baseball cards... and buying enough food and supplies to fill several trucks." "Food and supplies?" "Who for, like, starving people?" "Oh, well, they're not starving yet, but they do need help." " Well, how long would you need me for?" " Two weeks." " What's the pay?" " What's fair?" "Well, I gotta make at least a thousand dollars a week." "You got it." " Wait here while I get changed." " Sure." "Sure." "There you go." "Why would someone need 26 yacht batteries?" "I don't know, I just work for the guy." "And who does he work for, the CIA?" "Pipe tobacco." "Ha-ha-ha." "I'm gonna need all of this." "Toilet paper." "WOMAN:" "Is there a sale?" "[EVERCLEAR'S "I WILL BUY YOU A NEW LIFE" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "Well, another day, another dollar." "[MUSIC STOPS]" " Will you stop staring at me?" " Sorry." " I'll pick you up at 8 in the morning." " Oh." " You know, Eve, I was thinking..." " Night." "Night." "We'll need to rent a refrigerated truck for the beef and poultry." "Well, it's your life." "And by the way, it's a dandy." "Think we're also gonna have to get another locker." "It's no problem." "We'll just sell another baseball card." " Coming down." " Okay." "Ah, whoo." "Ha-ha-ha." "You know, Eve..." "And don't get mad, okay?" "But I would just be lost without you." "Thanks." "Ha-ha-ha." "And I guess, uh...." "I guess that...." " I think that you and I..." " Adam, don't even think about it, okay?" "I'm sorry, I know that sounds mean... but believe me, it'd be a lot meaner if I didn't say it, okay?" " Mm-hm." " Okay?" " Okay." " Let's take this truck back... and I'm hungry." "Are you getting in?" "ADAM:" "There's something else I'd like help with." "EVE:" "Name it." "I'm afraid this is gonna sound a little bit crazy." " Heh." "I'm sure it will." " Then forget it." "No, no." "I'm sorry." "What is it?" "Eve, I want you to help me find a wife." " A wife?" " Yes." " What for?" " Because I want to get married." "Why?" "Because I don't want to be alone." "Well, you can be single and not alone." "Marriage bites." " Bites what?" " The big one." " It does?" " Sure." " Oh, I didn't know that." " Everybody knows that." "Ask my divorced brothers or my divorced mom and dad." "Everybody knows that." " They're all divorced?" " Everybody's divorced." "Wow." " What kind of wife you looking for?" " Hmm?" "Oh, um...." "Well, one who's not a mutant." "Heh." "No dogs, huh?" "Okay, cool." "And if it's possible..." "I'd like to marry someone from Pasadena." "[LAUGHS]" "Um, when do you need her by?" "Two weeks?" "I can probably get you laid in two weeks... but to locate a non-mutant wife from Pasadena could take some time." "That's what I was afraid of." "What do you mean, you can get me laid?" " Uh, can we talk about that a little later?" " Of course." "EVE:" "Great." "Lord, bless this food we are about to receive... and make us ever mindful of the needs of others." "And bless my mom and bless my dad... and bless my new friend Eve." "Amen." "Amen." "[ADAM LAUGHING]" " Get out." " The engine is still running." "Now." "Get out." " Yes, ma'am." " Stop the "ma'am" crap." "I'm sorry." "You almost got us killed." " I told you, I've never driven before." " Well, never drive again." " You said it would be easy." " Well, I was wrong." " Say, is this your house?" " Yes." " I like it." " What are you bitching about now?" " What are you doing here?" " I forgot some of my stuff." " Your stuff?" " Yeah." "Let me see that." "Oh, you came back for your underwear." "Excuse me, these are Ralph Laurens." "How did you get in?" "Thanks." "And who's this interesting-looking fellow?" " This is Adam." "Adam, this is Cliff." " How do you do?" "I do fine, Adam." "How about yourself?" "You, uh, doing any good lately?" "Go home, Cliff, wherever that might be." "Sheena Gilroy's apartment." "You remember her." "She's the, uh, model who went to Harvard." "Hmm." "Well, I'd better be going." "Bye, Adam." " Nice coat." " Thank you, Cliff." " It was very nice to meet you." " That's a nice parking job too." " May I ask you a question?" " He's a former boyfriend." "We lived together for about six months, and I still have sort of a thing for him." "That's what you wanted to know, isn't it?" "No, I was gonna ask you... why Cliff likes to wear another man's underpants." "What?" "[BLOCK'S "RHINOCEROS" PLAYING ON RADIO]" "SINGER:" "Rhinoceros" "Rhinoceros" "This guy is unbelievable." "I knew you'd like him." "I know." "It's like he's from X-Files or something." "He's got all these easily negotiable properties, right?" "He's obviously setting up something big." "Maybe a self-sustaining island off South America." "Maybe he's the leader of some cult into practices involving poultry and tobacco." "SINGER:" "You just wake up" "Rhinoceros" " You have very nice ceilings." " Do I?" "Well, you like ceilings?" "Not particularly." "Ah." "Well, I hope you like this." "It's sea urchin wrapped in seaweed, or nori." "I love sushi." " I love Lucy." " Who doesn't?" "She's hilarious." " Here you go, one champagne cocktail." " Oh, thank you." "I thought only hookers drank those things." "Well, I know Mom sure likes them." "Well, dinner's in 15." "Why don't we sit down and chat?" "Mm-hm." " So, Troy, what do you do for a living?" " Oh, I design websites." "Mm." "And, Adam... where on earth are you from?" " Out of town." "That's all he'll say." " Mm-hm." "It's a very small place." " People don't even know it's there." " And it's called?" "Maybe Eve can guess." " She's psychic." " Is she?" " Since when?" " Since I got rear-ended in Palm Springs." "Well, then, Miss Dionne Warwick, tell us what town he's from." "All right." "Give me your hand." "TROY:" "Oh, Lord." "Okay." "I'm not promising anything." " Are you okay?" " Hmm?" "Mm." "I see snow." "Lots of snow." "Way up north." "Are we getting hot?" "Yes." "You live in Alaska... and the only way in and out of your place is by plane." "And, uh, you definitely came here for food and supplies... and to find a wife." "Wow." " That was right?" " Got goose bumps all over me." "I'm clairvoyant, butthead." "Well, why wouldn't you just go to Nome to get supplies and a wife?" " Isn't that a lot closer?" " Yeah, right." "That's where you'd go to find girls." "Nome." "He's gay, by the way." "Well, good for you." "Well, we try." "Can I ask you some questions?" "Hmm?" " TROY:" "When did Alaska become a state?" " 1959." "Okay, and, uh, who owned it before we did?" " Russia." " And when did we get it from them?" "1867, Seward's Folly." "We purchased it for $7.2 million, a tidy sum then as well as now." "I'm quoting my father, of course." " All right, what's the state capital?" " Juneau." "Hello?" "It's Anchorage." "Gotcha." "Mm-mm." "Sorry, that's the largest city." "Where's he going?" "He's going to check your answers on his computer." "He has a computer?" " Sure." " In the house?" "No, actually, it's in the back yard." " Of course it's in the house." "It's in there." " May I be excused, please?" " Yeah." " Thank you." "[CALVIN SNORING]" "[GASPS]" "Aah!" "Who are you?" " I'm the mother." " It's the mother." "It's the mother." "The mother." "ALL [CHANTING]:" "The mother, the mother, the mother." "MAN:" "It's the mother." "Troy, I suppose those tall buildings we saw this morning are new?" "Yeah." "Almost all of them, anyway." " Recovery's impressive." " Recovery?" "Oh, yeah." "Well, you know, they rebuilt the freeway in only six months." " Really?" " Uh-huh." "That's amazing." "I'm very impressed." " Oh, it was impressive." " Are you sure I look okay?" " Oh, trust me, you look fabulous." " Well, thank you, Troy." " Hey." " Hey." "So, what do you think?" " It works." " Mm-hm." "I should show you... the entire trousseau." "Shirts, sweaters, socks, the whole thing." "ADAM:" "No." "First let's show her these." "Huh?" "Eve, can I skate around your block?" "[CHUCKLES]" "How about it, Eve?" "Can he skate around your block?" "No." " Just a few laps." " It won't take long." "Ha, ha." "No." "Look." "Adam, will you go skate on the bike path?" " Where?" " The bike path." "It's over there." "TROY:" "God, I wish I could wear those pants." "Hi." "Yeah!" "Ha, ha!" "Yeah!" "SINGER:" "Y.M.C.A." "It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A." "They have everything For you men to enjoy" "You can hang out with all the boys" "Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A." "Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A." "You can get yourself clean You can have a good meal" "You can do whatever you feel" "MAN:" "All right, girl, hit that ball." "[ALL CHEERING]" "I get it." "I finally get it." "You have to see it to understand it." "[LAUGHING]" "Because he must." "Haven't you heard the saying:" ""He hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain"?" "Yep." "You know, my father, who is a scientist... says that everything is a miracle." " Yeah?" " Everything." "Until recently, I wasn't sure what he meant by that." "No kidding." "Listen, uh, you still wanna go girl hunting tonight?" " Oh, yes, I certainly do." " Okay." "But, you know, this whole business of finding you a wife... it's pretty ridiculous." " No, it isn't." " Yes, it is." "A girlfriend, maybe, but a wife, it's..." "Well, then help me find a girlfriend." "That's all I ask." "I'll tell you what." "I'll give you every single card I've got." "Screw you." "You think I'm just somebody you can buy off?" "Oh, no, Eve, I didn't mean that at all." "Eve, you're my best friend." "Would you do it because you're my very best friend?" "Yeah, okay." "Thank you, Eve." "Well, why did we park way back there?" "Miss Rustokov does not allow total strangers to drive her car." " What?" " Ladies first, Troy." " That was close." " Uh-huh." "My goodness gracious, this place is something." " Look unimpressed." " Yeah, bored, even." "Try vaguely bored." "Unimpressed but still interested." " Not crazy." " Do I look crazy?" " Yes." " Just, uh, be loose." " Yeah." " Just be yourself." "Yeah, that's always good advice." "Well, for him." "It doesn't work for the rest of us." "[CHERRY POPPIN' DADDIES' "SO LONG TOOTS" PLAYING]" "Of all the clubs in all the towns in all the world... you walk into mine." "So welcome to Club 40's, where the party never stops." "Jason, Jonathan, this is Adam." "Adam, that's them." "Hi, how do you do?" "It's very nice to meet you, Jason and Jonathan." "My mother said when you meet someone for the first time... it's easier to remember their names... if you use those names right away, Jason and Jonathan." "He's from Alaska." "[IN UNISON] Oh." "Hi there, Eve." "Who's the hunk?" " Get lost, Sophie." " Hi, I'm Sophie." "Hi, how do you do?" "I'm Adam Webber." " Adam lives in Alaska." " No shit?" "[BOTH SPEAKING IN FRENCH]" "[IN ENGLISH] Oh, you speak beautiful French." "[BOTH SPEAKING IN FRENCH]" "Adam." "Adam." "[IN ENGLISH] Yeah?" "Oh, um...." "[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]" "EVE:" "Quit showing off." "We're here on business." " I thought we were here to meet women." " EVE:" "Not that one." "ADAM:" "I like her." "Tell me, Sophie, when you fly to Paris... do you check these, or are they carry-on?" " They're carry-on." " Ah." "Excuse me." "SINGER:" "But there's nothin' up my sleeve" "But a place to play Where the people all swing around" "What are you drinking?" "Oh, this is a Rob Roy." "It's a very popular drink, I'm told." "How about her?" " EVE:" "No way." " No way?" "Why not?" "I think she's very attractive." "Adam, she's got "bitch" written all over her." "You do know what "bitch" means, don't you?" "Well, yes, I do." "I do have a dictionary." "But I can't understand for the life of me why you would say that about her... or why Cliff would say that about you." "Okay, uh, Adam, I think for you, we should aim for sweet." "Okay." "I like that." "Yeah, sweet." "That's a lovely way of putting it." "There's Miss Sweet, over there by the hors d'oeuvre table, look." "EVE:" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Could be." "Yeah, go on, Romeo, say hello." "She looks like a non-mutant to me." "Okay." "All right." "What do I say to her?" "Oh, say something surprising, something funny." "Lie if need be." " Lie?" " Oh, yeah." "Lying can be a very effective dating tool." "Okay." "All right." "Well, here I go." "I don't think I wanna watch this." "Surprising and funny." "Well, I know a duck who bought some lip balm." "Lie." "Hi." " Yes?" " I was wondering if you could help me." "I, um, seem to have lost... my Congressional Medal of Honor around here somewhere." "Ha, ha." "Now, that's a great one." " This is my new friend." " Uh, hi." " Adam Webber." " Hi, I'm Heather." " Heather?" " Yeah." "I don't believe I've ever heard that name before." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "Yeah, do you dance?" "Why, I took a dance lesson every day of my life... up until a couple of days ago." " You're kidding." " No, no, I did." "Shall we dance?" " Sure." " Yeah?" "Wait for me." "[THE FLYING NEUTRINOS' "MR. ZOOT SUIT" PLAYING]" "SINGER:" "He drives a great big car Smokes a big cigar" "He looks like a king And he acts like a star" "When we see him drive by He goes "toot, toot"" "We all shout Hey, Mr. Zoot Suit" "He's got purple suspenders And a yellow tie" " CHORUS:" "Say what?" " Come on, boys, I tell you no lie" "Those hats, those funky spats" "He's the hippest hip and the coolest cat" "I tell you no lie This guy can't be beat" "Wherever he goes He turns up the heat" "So when you see him drive by With that big cheroot" "Don't forget to shout Hey, Mr. Zoot Suit!" "I tell you no lie This guy can't be beat" "Wherever he goes He turns up the heat" "So when you see him drive by With that big cheroot" "Don't forget to shout Hey, Mr. Zoot Suit!" "Oh." "[WHISTLES]" " Is that your girlfriend?" " No, no." "Will you please excuse me?" " What are you doing?" " You." "You go to the bathroom." "What, right here?" "Well, I thought I should check." " I mean, you're being so bossy." " Go." " Thank you both for the dance." " Thank you." "I have to go to the bathroom." "Oh." " You wanted to see me?" " You're not from Alaska." "Where did you learn to dance like that?" "And there are no starving people, are there?" "Why are you so angry with me?" " You think I'm some kind of sap, do you?" " No, I don't." "I admire you." "I fell in love with you the very moment I saw you." "I want you to stop lying to me." "All right." "I'll tell you everything." " In 1962..." " CLIFF:" "Well, well, well." "Don't we clean up nice?" "Well, hello, Cliff." " How are you this evening?" " Not bad." "Though I, uh, do miss that green sport coat of yours." "Oh, why, thank you, Cliff." "But that's my seat, and I was just about..." "How about a drink up at the bar?" "Sure." "Excuse us." "It's all yours." " Please excuse this interruption." " Oh, brother." "Eve, I don't mean to be rude, and, Cliff, please excuse me... but, Eve, isn't Cliff just a butt with hair?" " What?" " I'm sorry." "And legs." "Legs, butt and hair." " And shallow as well?" " Shallow?" "EVE:" "Adam, why don't you go home?" " Go back to the hotel." " Yeah, before I kick your ass." "I must warn you, Cliff, I do know how to defend myself." "Oh, do you?" " Agh!" " Stop it, you two." "Nice move, really." "Yeah, Eve's right." "Maybe we shouldn't fight in here." "I agree." " Ugh." " Adam." "I'm sorry." "He was gonna...." "Maybe we shouldn't fight at all." "I mean, fighting's pretty immature when you think about it." " It certainly is." " Eve, I'm leaving." " That's probably a good idea." " Eve, I'm sorry." " Oh!" " Gah." "Well, good night, everyone." " ADAM:" "Eve..." " EVE:" "I'm leaving too, okay?" "And you know what?" "If you want help, ask Troy, because I quit." "This is ridiculous." "You're ridiculous and I'm ridiculous." "I'll buy you another Rob Roy, huh, champ?" "Rob Roy for the gentleman." "Well?" "He go back to the hotel?" " Um, he might have." " What does that mean?" "That means that we did not leave together." "Well, who did he leave with?" " What's that to you?" " I'm his pimp." "He left with those dancers, didn't he?" "You're the psychic." "Eve, the psychic pimp." "You tell me." " Those sluts." " Yeah." "Then again, who isn't a slut these days, huh?" " Where are you going?" " To bed." "To bed?" "Sure, to bed." "I'm not the one that's in love with the guy." " What?" "Oh." " Mm-hm." "Now, hold on." "Hold on just a minute." "In the first place, I do not fall in love with weirdos... who I've only known for four or five days." "Yes, you do." "And I don't fall in love with grown men who collect baseball cards." "Yes, you do." "Or pee in their pants when they see the ocean." " Yes, you do." " Or have perfect table manners." "You know, I asked him about that." "He said good manners are just a way of showing people... that we have respect for them." "I didn't know that." "I thought it was a way of acting superior." " Oh, you know what else he told me?" " What?" "He thinks I'm a gentleman and you're a lady." "Well..." "Well, consider the source." " I don't even know what a lady is." " I know." "I thought a gentleman was somebody that owned horses." "But it turns out the short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman... is someone who always tries to make sure... the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible." "Where do you think he got all that information?" "Oh, from the oddest place." "His parents." "I mean, I don't think I got that memo from mine." "Now I suppose he's trying to make those dancers... feel as comfortable as possible." "No." "He didn't go home with them." "Well...." "He went home with Sophie." "[SCREAMS]" " No!" " Yep." "No!" "She swept him out of the room whispering French sweet nothings." "No, not Sophie, not Sophie." "Don't tell me that." "So, what you gonna do, go to her place and kick the door in?" "You're goddamn right I am." " You coming?" " You kidding?" "Sophie would kill me." "Oh, coward." "Gentleman coward." "[SCREAMS]" "Eve!" "So scare me, why don't you?" "You stupid son of a bitch." " I'm really sorry." " What are you doing here?" "You're supposed to be on San Vicente Boulevard... having unsafe sex with that slut Sophie." " I know, and I'm really sorry." " I'm limping." "How attractive is that?" "What if this is for life?" " Adam." " Where the hell are those bandages?" " I was just gonna say..." " I know." " And then she went, "Aah" and she...." " I know." " I didn't mean to scare her." " Of course you didn't." "Nothing I do with her ever seems to be right." "EVE:" "Used to be up here with the coffee." "Why don't...?" "That's because you're a nice boy... but what Eve needs is a nice man." "Understand, champ?" "Good night." "Night, Troy." "You still here?" " Let me help." " I can do it myself." "I know more about first aid than you know about cards." "Give me the stuff and sit down." "Sit." "Let me see." "Give me your knee." " These pants are ruined, right?" " I'd say so." "There." " Aah...." "Ouch." " Steady." " There." "And don't be such a baby." " Oh, I'm the baby?" "Um...." "Did, um...?" "Did you go to Sophie's?" "Of course." "And?" " She was hospitable." " Hospitable?" "Huh." "But it just wasn't where I wanted to be." "So I left as politely as I could, and I found a taxi... and I told the driver to bring me here instead of back to the hotel." "There is a song that Mr. Como sings... called "On the Street Where You Live."" "Do you know it?" "Sing it to me." "Um...." "[SINGING] I have often walked Down this street before" "But the pavement always stayed Beneath my feet before" "All at once am I Several stories high" "Knowing I'm on the street Where you live" "It's a song about a young man who's overjoyed... just to be standing in front of the house... of the person that he loves." "Adam, you know, I..." "Adam, I know this is stupid, but humor me." "Have you ever had sex before?" "No." "How is that possible?" "You better sit back down." "In 1962, when the bomb was dropped on Los Angeles... my parents were in our fallout shelter." "That's where I was born." "We only survived because it's a huge shelter... as far as fallout shelters go." "My father worked on it secretly for years." "When he had to, he used contractors, but always from out of state... and always for only a portion of the job." "He told them it was a secret government experiment... done through Caltech." "Now, my dad's not a liar... but in this case, he felt he had no choice." "Of course, it had to be kept a secret." "We only had enough supplies to last three people for 35 years." "The really tricky part was the air-vent system... but we were finally able to cut into the flood-control sewer...." "Eve, what I would like to do... is to take you with me down into the fallout shelter." "We could live there with my mom and dad." "My dad said that if I found a healthy young girl... that I should bring her on down." "Why, Eve... you look plenty healthy to me." "[WHIMPERS]" " Adam?" " Yes, Eve?" "I think it's time to call a cab." "Oh." "Of course." "You're absolutely right." "I really shouldn't be over here at this late hour." "Mm-hm." "Good night, Adam." "Thank you." "[CRYING]" " Goddamn, Adam." " Wait a minute." "Oh, look, I'm sorry." "I know, I took the Lord's name in vain again." "I..." "No." "There's an adult bookstore back there." "I'll be right back." "Give us a sign." " Amen." " Yeah." " That's all we ask." " Amen." " Just give us some sort of sign." " ALL:" "Amen." " Just show us that we're not alone." " ALL:" "Yeah." "[ALL GASPING]" "Hi, Eve." " Hi, Adam." "This is...." " Hi, Adam, I'm Nina Aron." " Hello, how do you do?" " Very well, thank you." "I'm with the county Family Services Department." "Eve tells me you've been living in a bomb shelter most of your life." "Fallout shelter." "There is a difference." "Adam, I'd like to introduce you to my associate, Mr. Brown." "Hello." "We want you to come with us... so we can talk some more about your experiences." " ADAM:" "Come where?" " My office." "For how long?" "Well, that depends." "Well, I thank you very much for the invitation... but I'm very busy today." " Perhaps I could see you tomorrow." " I think you should go with Dr. Aron." "I think it's the best thing." "I think it's the best thing for you, I do." "All right, Eve, if you say so." "I do." "Could I please just go home?" "I was lost, but I found home this morning." "And if I can just go home, I promise I'll never bother any of you ever again." "Adam, uh, let's go talk first." " Yes, ma'am." " Okay." "Bye, Adam." "Bye, Troy." " You'll be hearing from me." " Oh, yes." "What?" "What was I supposed to do?" "He told me he wanted to take me underground." "That's like Silence of the Lambs." "It's crazy." "Yeah." "You did the right thing." " Hey, hey." " Oh, no." "Where you going?" " Oh, my God." " NINA:" "All right, don't worry." "Don't worry, he'll catch him." "Yes, this is Nina Aron." "I've got a runaway, and I'm gonna need police assistance." " No, you cannot call them." " Young lady, I have to." "If a complaint is made and the person resists..." "No, I cannot have that." "They'll come with their cars and their guns and..." "All right, all right." "Calm down." "Now, that young man needs help, and you need protection from him." "I was frightened." "I didn't know what to think, but, you know, I believe him." "I think he just..." "I do." "I really think he just wants to go home, wherever that might be." "All right, everybody has to calm down." "That's the most important thing." " Eve." "Here's my hotel key." " Adam." "You can have my baseball cards." "Don't forget to pay my bill." "You stop right there." "Stop." "Don't get in that truck." "Adam, you gotta stop trying to drive this truck." " Bye, Troy." " Bye, Adam." "Thanks for always being happy." " What?" " Gay." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "That's my car, you son of a bitch!" " Where the hell have you been?" " I fell down." "You guys get the license number on that truck?" "What are you asking them for?" "They're as screwed up as he is." "Everybody keep calm." "That's the important thing." "Who you talking to, you stupid...?" " Eve!" "Eve!" " Okay, okay, okay." "Mom?" "Dad?" "I'm home." "Oh!" "Oh." "Adam." "Oh, Adam." " Oh." " I've got almost everything we need." " And this nice man..." " Archbishop Melker." "We met previously." "...and his church group volunteered to help bring it down." " But we've gotta hurry." " HELEN:" "Are you in trouble, son?" "I think I'm being chased by a psychiatrist." " HELEN:" "A psychiatrist?" " It happens." "Oh, my goodness." "How bad is it up there?" "Horrible." "There's something on your forehead." " HELEN:" "Calvin." " I know." "Okay." "Is this it?" " Well, what are we gonna do with it?" " Give it back to him." " And what if we can't find him?" " We'll find him." "Well...." "Hey, Eve." "Eve, uh, look what I found in the suitcase." "It's stock certificates." "I mean, it's got, like..." "It's got, like, IBM and ATT and Polaroid and...." "Ipana?" "I remember this brand." "I didn't know they still made this." "Oh." "Look at this." "It says, "Trademark 1961."" "Hurry, my friends, we have no time to waste." "The son has spoken." "Let's step it up." "ALL [CHANTING]:" "Leave my elevator alone." "Leave my elevator alone." "MELKER:" "We're losing the light." "Purchased in 1958 and '59?" "Ten thousand shares of each?" " Mm-hm." " They'd be worth millions." "Hell, I don't know." "Millions upon millions..." "Upon millions." "The stocks, the baseball cards, the clothes, the toothpaste." "The guy's on the level." "Eve." "Eve, a man walks into your life who's the kindest, most polite... most incredibly rich guy you've ever met." "And I have him committed." "Yes." "Yes, you did." "Yeah." "Well, at least I fell for him before I found out he was rich." " That's new." " Yeah." "He said today he knew where home was." "Where'd you guys go this morning?" "Just to pick up frozen poultry." " Then?" " Then back to the house." "You didn't stop anywhere?" "We did." "We stopped at a porn shop." "We stopped at this adult bookstore." "Adam was very excited to see it." " Adam was very excited to see porn?" " Yes." "Eve, do you think maybe his home... is underneath a dirty bookstore in the Valley?" " Is this it?" " Yeah." "Yeah, this is the place." "Harder." "Adam?" "Adam?" "Um, heh." "Do you have a basement?" "Believe me, all the really good stuff is right up front." "Is there a back entrance or something?" "Are you kidding?" "Of course." "Nice kid." "Nice kid." "What are we looking for?" "This is ridiculous." "Why would they put a fallout shelter under a porn shop?" "None of this was here back in '62." "Back then this was all, like, cute little homes... and, you know, fruit orchards." "Well, we've come a long way, haven't we?" " I wanna go home." " Yeah." "Maybe he'll call, huh?" "[MACHINE BEEPS]" "ADAM [ON MACHINE]:" "Uh, Eve?" "This is Adam." "Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me." "And I wanted to tell you that I...." "That, uh...." "That I wish so many good things for you." "I wish so hard that all of your dreams come true." "And that..." "And that's all I..." "And that's all." "MAN:" "Surprise." "Bang!" "Ha-ha-ha." "Stay out of here, you drunk." "Mm-mm-mm." "Adam?" " How long you gonna set it for this time?" " I thought 10 years." "Well, it's considerably shorter than before... but I was wondering, Calvin, I mean, why set the locks at all?" "I mean, the radiation's gone." "To keep what's up there from getting down here." "It's not radiation I'm worried about." "ADAM:" "Mom." "Dad." "Oh, ho." "I would like for you to meet Miss Eve Rustokov." " Mrs. Webber." " Hello." " Mr. Webber." " Hello." "Adam's told me such wonderful things about you." "Oh, well, excuse us, please." " We haven't entertained a guest in..." " Quite some time." "Oh, Eve, what can I offer you?" " Mom, Eve and I have to go." " Oh, Adam, you just got here." "I can't explain now, but I want you to set the locks for two months." "You've got enough of everything." "We'll be right back to get you." "But I don't understand." "And I'm asking you to trust me without understanding why." " In that case, of course." " Of course, son." " They really are wonderful parents." " Ha-ha-ha." "Oh, Adam." "Could you at least stay for dinner?" " Well, we do...." " You must." "Perfect." "Now, tell me if you've heard this one." "Duck walks into a drugstore." "This gravy is an old favorite of Calvin's." "Now, Eve, the platter is down there." "Would you get that, honey?" "The sperm swims toward the egg." "Pop." " Into the egg." " But why?" "Because it must." " But why?" " Because it's out there." "I don't mean to be nosy, but are you and Adam dating?" "Yeah, we are." "And I'm from Pasadena." "[LAUGHS]" "EVE:" "And you thought your parents were weird." "It's truly amazing what you can get done when you have unlimited funds." "Do you know you can have whole houses built in just a matter of months?" "It's like the Garden of Eden, don't you think?" "EVE:" "All you have to say is this:" ""I don't care what it costs."" "Of course, you've gotta really mean it, which no one ever does." "It took a while to convince Archbishop Melker... that Adam wasn't God... and he was pretty broken up about it too." "Until I showed him my plans for Los Angeles' hottest nightspot." "It's my goddamn malt shop." " Let's figure out what's gonna happen." " Okay." "Now, I want the whole ownership of everything downstairs, all right?" " Well..." " I want one of my guys at the door." "EVE:" "Our idea was to bring Adam's parents up to the surface very slowly... make them very comfortable, and then break the bad news to them... that there was no nuclear holocaust." "HELEN:" "Oh, Adam." "Oh, son." "Okay." "And here you go." "Careful." "It's hot." "Careful." "EVE:" "Have you ever in your life seen a son who did more for his parents?" "This is beautiful." " It's absolutely beautiful." " Yeah." "Well, we seem to have everything, but, you know... it's not much different from the fallout shelter." "No, Calvin, this is different, believe me." "[SIGHS]" "This is great, son." "By the way...." "Eve, her last name, Rustokov, that's not Russian, is it?" "No, it's, uh, Ukrainian." "Her grandparents immigrated." "Dad, I don't know how to tell you this... and I was gonna wait for a while to do it, but, um...." "Dad, there was no bomb." "A plane crashed in our back yard." "I looked it up in old newspapers." " Are you sure?" " Positive." "The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired." "The Cold War's over." "That's what everyone believes?" "Oh, yes, sir." "And it's true." "What, the Politburo one day said:" ""We give up"?" "Ha-ha-ha." "Yes, that's kind of how it went." "My gosh, those commies are brilliant." "You have to hand it to them." ""No, we didn't drop any bombs." "Oh, yeah, our evil empire has collapsed." "Poor us."" "I'll bet they even asked the West for aid." "Right?" "Um, I think they did." "Oh, boys." "Dinnertime." "Pot roast." "[CHUCKLING]" "I'll tell you." "Funny guy." " Don't tell your mother." " No, okay." "EVE:" "Adam says that this is simply how things work." "First the parents take care of the children... and then the children take care of the parents." "He says historically, that's how it works." "Damn commies." "EVE:" "Whenever Adam gives me such obviously incorrect information..." "I just smile, slap him on the knee, and look out the window." "Why spoil his dreams?" "They're such wonderful dreams." "[English" " US" " SDH]"