"You've had it, Marr." "(♪ "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead)" "(♪ pounding techno)" "(Jones) It's time to go to sleep." "It's time to go to sleep." "It's time to go to sleep." "It's time to go to sleep." " Jones!" " It's time to go to sleep." "Jones." "(silence)" "(♪ techno)" "This is Nathan Barley for Trashbat with Dan Ashcroft." "Peace and fucking." "Believe." "Hey, Dan, we got something for you, mate." " We put your head on a preacher's body." " Yeah, you're the preacher man." "(crowd) Preacher, preacher, preacher!" "Stop it." "I'm not a preacher man!" "No!" "I'm not a preacher man!" "0h." "Where did you stay last night?" "Nathan's." "The idiots are winning." " The idiots are winning." " Idiots?" "They're winning." "The idiots." "They're winning." "Dan." "I read your piece about jerking off the builder." "It's well specious." "You know it was partly my idea?" " What?" " Yeah." "Can I help you?" " Get your coffee." "Get your coffee." " I'll get you one as well, yeah?" "Skinny chino with..." "What's your poison, Preach?" "Black coffee, please." "Actually, I'll get a black coffee as well." " With sugar?" " Uh..." "No thanks." "No, no sugar for me either." "Sugar's rubbish." "Can I have one sugar, please?" "Actually, I'll have sugar as well." "And can I have some scrambled egg in there, please?" " Egg?" " Yeah." "Put some egg in mine as well." "(Dan) Yeah, thank you." "And some smoked salmon as well." "Thanks." "Put some smoked salmon in mine too." "This is mental." "Hm?" "Chin-chin." "Cheers." "Mm." "Ha!" "It's good." "Yeah, it's well brown." " No, no." " Yeah." " No." " Yeah." "Cheers, Preach." " I won that." "I won that, 0K?" " Yeah, I know." "Yeah." " I'm winning." "You're not." " I know." " You're not winning." "Yes." "I won." "Yeah." " You do every time." " Peace and fucking, Preach." " Yes!" "December 8, 1980. 3am." "I'm sat cross-legged on a cushion trying to come to terms with myself, when, quite without warning," "John Lennon's head thrusts through my floorboards." "He was passing me the torch." "Thanks, John." "(phone rings)" " Do you mind?" " No, no." "Robert Palmer lives in my mobile." "Claire Ashcroft." "Yeah." "Yeah." "(phone) This is a really annoying ringtone!" "Hi, fanny blossom." " I've got a reading at Channel Seven." " Yeah?" " About making my film for TV." " Bum." "When?" " Today." " What time?" "12 o'clock." "Big brown elephant shitcrack." "(♪ "Ace of Spades")" "(Nathan) That is well Jackson, man." "Totally ECT, man." "Totally ECT." "Come here. 0h." " That's hilarious and co." " (Nathan) Peace and fucking." "Believe." "We should give Nathan Barley a column." "Yeah, we should give Nathan Barley a column." "Yeah, like, call it..." ""Nathan Barley's Column"." "Hey, let's just call it "Barley", yeah?" "Yeah, man. 0r, like, "Nathan"." "Yeah, cos that could be like two columns." "Two columns?" "Yeah." "And, like, maybe one of them would be better than the other one." "Yeah." "And you'd only read the good one." "How would you tell which was the good one?" "Check 'em out." "Direct comparison." "Like, you read them both to find out which is the best one." "Yeah." "And then you just read the good one." "Are we gonna do this?" "0K." " Take the day off." " Can we go home early?" "I'm gonna do laps, basically, after that." " Latte, two shots, no sugar." " Eh?" "Coffee." "Spark up the pitching gland." "Thanks, Nathan." "That's, uh..." " What are you doing here?" " I thought we'd sort out our pitch" " before you go in." " 0ur pitch?" "I've done you a presentation DVD of your junkie choir stuff." ""London Undone and Done In." "A Claire Ashcroft and Nathan Barley joint"." "Thanks." " I need to do this by myself." " That's what I was thinking." "You won't even know I'm there." "No, Nathan, I don't want you there." "0f course." "There's Vernon Kay." "Hey, Kay-hole." "Keep it Mencap, you fuckaneer." "All right." "Yeah." "Don't even know him." " Ivan Plapp, hi." " Claire Ashcroft." " Ivan Plapp." " Nathan Barley." " Let's slip low." " Thanks." "So, 0K." "Claire." "You sent in an outline for a documentary." "Right." " Fill these." " 0K." "Right." " It's called London Undone and Done In." " And it's fucking awesome." "It's about the invisible people who fall through the cracks... the drug addicts, the homeless..." " The total fuck-ups." " Prostitutes." "0h, some of them are mingers." "People we pretend not to notice daily." "Stop you for just a moment there, Claire." "This all sounds a bit sad-face." "What we're looking for at the moment is salvation TV." "Can we set any of these people a mission?" "Some of them are trying to help themselves." "There's this junkie choir..." "That is so fucking up." "She's done so well." " Can I see?" " Course." "Now, babe?" "Yeah." "Wicked." "There you go." "We have anti-drug songs that we perform to schools." "That's my life now." "Taking the message round to schools." "♪ And if you get hooked, baby, it's nobody else's fault" "Don't do it." "Freeze." "Rock." "Freeze." "Rock." "Blow!" "Higher, baby." "Get higher, baby." "Get higher, baby." "And don't ever come down!" "He likes it." "That's good." " Well, it's not funny, really." " Well, it sort of is." " It's not." " You're right. 0f course." "It's not funny, but it does make us laugh." "See." "I like that." "There's a positive message for people." "But if we want, we can drop back a layer and laugh, if we're in the chuckle demographic." "It's win, win, win." " Right." " That's genius." "Peace and fucking." ""Peace and fucking." Where have I heard that before?" "Probably my website." "Trashbat dot cock." "Trashbat dot cock." "The pranks." "Yeah." "I saw someone projecting those at The Nailgun Arms." "They are evil." "Yes, they are." "They tell us something." "Don't they, Claire?" " Yeah." "What?" "The pranks?" " Yeah." "Something about ourselves." "The political has become the personal." "I know." "Which makes pranks like those satirical." " That's exactly it." " It's Swift as Jackass." "0r..." "Even faster." "Hey, Preach." " Wanna be on TV?" " What?" "About time you shone your fucked up bible through a plasma screen." "What are you talking about?" "Nathan might have got a pilot at my Channel Seven meeting." "Hey." "If it happens, it'll be our pilot." "Believe." "I'll be in the office cooking up a TV shitstorm." "Countin' on you, Preach." "Laters, treacle slit." "Watch the fuck out, people, yeah?" "Watch the fuck out." "I'm going to get some sleep." "(Blair) You can't get me." "You don't know where you're fucking looking, arsehole." "Marr, Marr." "Use your fucking eyes, Marr." "Pingu." "Pingu." "Pingu." "Pingu?" "(Blair) I'm over here, Marr, you fucking idiot!" "You're fucking dead." "You're dead!" "You're fucking dead!" "Shit." "Pingu." "Pingu!" "Hey." " Dan." "What are you up to, man?" " Nothing." "Me too." "Just going into the office for the first time." " You just came out of there." " Did I?" "(Pingu sobs)" " Isn't that Pingu?" " Is it?" "Pingu, what are you doing?" "Yeah, what are you doing?" "Fell out the window." "What?" "There's a gunman." "There's a gunman in the cupboard." "With a balaclava." "That's, um... that's, uh..." "That's the game." "His computer game he's playing." "It... it makes him see things that aren't really there." " I'd call an ambulance if I were you." " Why?" "He's 0K." "Call an ambulance." " Where are you going?" " To check and see if there's a gunman." "But it's, um..." "Yeah, good." "Shit." "Come on, Pingu." "Pingu." "0h, shit." " Do the hospital know what happened?" " No." "Good." " And all because of that bloody game." " He said he saw a gunman." "That game's full of them." " Are you saying he's gone crackers?" " I wish I wasn't." "I'm going to the hospital to see how he is." "I'll come with you." "In case you need comforting." " If he's dead." " You don't think he's... he's?" "My uncle died without falling out of anything." "Found in your office." "Guy jumps out of the cupboard, frightens Pingu out of the window." " Can't see who it is." " Yes, you can." " Can't." " Yes, you can." "You can't." "I'm wearing a balaclava." " Can I have that?" " (Mouths)" "Please?" "Why don't you get me a drink?" "Yep." "Get me a couple of pairs of pints." "Four pints of lager, please." "(speed dials)" "(phone) This is a really annoying ringtone." "Hello." "See the lady serving you?" "Tell her your name's Nathan Barley... and you like throwing people out of windows." "Clearly." "And film it on your phone." "(phone) Action." "My name's Nathan Barley, and I like throwing people out of windows." "Good." " Nathan, hi." " Who's that?" " Guy from Channel Seven." " How's the pilot coming along?" "Keep filming." "Put your hands on his balls." "I checked your virals." "There's a lot of heat there." "I had no idea." "(Dan) Do it." "A lot of heat." "A lot of traffic." "Friends of mine are raving about it." "(Dan) Do it again." "How's it going?" "Any plans for the pilot?" "What are you doing?" "Are you doing something?" "What is this?" "Throw nuts in his face." "Invasion of body space with a new twist?" "Ah." "0K." "Peanuts in the face." "Interesting." "I wasn't expecting that." "It's good." "Surprise." " Tip your pint over him." " You're 24/7 on this." "I think that's what makes it work." "A lot of people just..." "Whoa!" "What's this idea?" "This is not good." " Kick him up the arse and leave." " This is crossing a line." "What?" "I had this fitted by Gavin Plemmy." "That is well outside the fucking box!" "Are you guys the crew?" "Are we all in this?" "Am I the centre of something here?" "Is something brilliant happening?" "0h, fucking hell!" " This is fun, yeah?" " Can we stop now?" "No." "We're on a roll." "We're riffing." "Yeah." "It's only funny for a little bit longer." "No." "I think you're going to have to record a public statement." " Public statement?" " Yeah. 0n your camera." "Then put it on your website." "That'll be good, won't it?" "Why don't you set your camera up?" "I'll go and write up some words for you." " Words?" " For you, yeah." "My words." " Right." " Some of my words just for you." "0K." " Thanks, Dan." " Thanks, Dan." "Pleasure." "(sighs contentedly)" "Hey." "Well done." "How did you survive that?" " Landed on my thumbs." " Best part." "No bones in the thumbs." "Did they catch the gunman?" "There was no gunman." "It's just that game." " There was." "I saw him." "I saw his gun." " You just lost control of your mind." "That'll do, Toby." "You're upset, Claire." "Do you want comforting?" "No." "Just say the word, yeah?" "Shit." "(speed dials)" "(phone) This is a really annoying ringtone." "This is a really annoying ringtone." " Hi, Dan." "Listen, can we?" " I left you my words." " Go." " Read them into the camera." " 0K." " I'll be back later." " Toby, please." "I'm fine." " That's cos of the comforting." "Look." "There is a gunman." "Pingu, it was a robbery in a kebab shop at two in the morning." "With a gun." "Maybe there is a gunman and Pingu's gone mental." "Toby." "If he is shot, he won't know what to do." "You could die from not treating the holes." "Thanks." "Would you know what to do if you got shot?" " No." " See?" "God, this is getting worse." "Toby, why don't you leave us alone for a while?" "We'll see you later, 0K?" "0h, I see." "Look after her, mate." "She's a good woman." "0bviously too good for me." "(kicks sign)" "Hello." "My name's Nathan Barley, and I'm an idiot." "Louder." "Hello." "My name's Nathan Barley, and I am an idiot." "First, I'm going to prove what an idiot I am by stripping to my underpants and writing the word "idiot" across my chest." " Do I have to do that now?" " Yeah." "0h, come on." "Pingu, it's just the office." "Come on." "No." "Come on." "It's fine." "Since you're watching this on my fucking rubbish website, you're an idiot too." "You are all idiots, and I'm king of the idiots." "(Dan) Good." "And some other things." "Dan's sister." "I should never have touched her, because it gives Dan bad pictures in his mind, like the one where we wake up and do it again." "Also, I was wrong about the coffee this morning." "He won." "I didn't." "I'm a fucking times-eight idiot." "Now... salute the camera, and laugh until I say stop." "(forced laughter)" "Nathan?" "Die, idiot!" "The gunman." "He's back." "He's back." "Dan!" "Halal!" "Halal!" "Halal!" "Halama-halal!" "Halalai-dai..." "Halal... halal..." "Dan." " What are you doing?" " Shut up." "He bounced." "(Claire, muffled) You all right, Dan?" "(Nathan) Hey, Dan, I need you to sign this." "(Claire) You all right, Dan?" "(Nathan, echoing) Dan?" "Dan." "I need you to sign this." "Daniel?" "Sign it there." "Just a mark." "Anything you can manage." "You're in my show, Dan." " Cheers, mate." " (Claire) You all right?" "Do you wanna be assistant director on my show?" "You all right, Dan?" "Dan?" "Money's quite good." " Dan?" " He's in it." "Dan?" "0K." " (Nathan) Money's quite good." " (Claire) Dan?" "(Nathan) He's in it." "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Simon Campbell"