"'ALLO 'ALLO!" "What a morning this has been." "My wife Edith has just been going thrugh all her songs with her new pianist." "He, by a strange coinceidence, just happens to be the twin brother of monsieur Leclerc, the old forger." "Ernest, for that is his name was being visited by Roger in the nick," "Where he was serving a rather long sentence for driving a getaway car without due care and attention." "Anyway, Roger decided to swap places with his brother because he was of the opinion that the prison food was better than that being served here by my wife Edith." "So Ernest has now got his feet well and truly under our table, but it will only be a short while before his brother was about the food." "What did i tell you?" "So if you will bear with me, those of you with good memories may recall that a few months ago, upon the orders of general Von Klinkerhoffen, i was arrested, put in front of a firing squad and shot." "Fortunately the colonel substituted wooden bullets for the real ones." "Lieutenant Gruber, who was in charge of the shooting party, was unaware of this and still believes that i am my own twin brother." "Lieutenant Gruber, you may remember, is the one who fancies me." "He also fancied my twin brother..." "Which is hardly surprising because that was me as well." "Are you with me so far?" "So in order to keep up the illusion, from time to time Edith and i place flowers upon my grave." "Well, the grave that..." "So there we are." "A fitting tribute to a fine and much loved man..." "Me." "Ah, Rene." " Yvette, where is your hat?" "Are you not going with me to the cemetery?" "No, i have an appointment at the hairdresser's." "Rene, would you place for me upon your grave this tribute?" "The village expect it." "The willage would not expect that." "Ah, Rene." "Edith, you are not coming to pay respeccts to my sacred memory in your curlers." "I am not coming at all." " How quickly they forget." "I have not forgotten." "Then you have flowers for me." "You are hiding them behind your back." "I thought you could take for me this rhubarb." "The stalks are too floppy to make puddings, but the leaves are quite pretty." "Edith, i will not be remembered with floppy rhubarb." "Rene?" " And i am not having that on my grave either." "I was dusting." "You are wanted in the backroom by Michelle of the resistance." "Oh heck, why can she not take her business elsewhere?" "I'm glad i caught you in time." "We do not wish you to go near the churchyard," "In case the Germans suspect something is going on there." "What could be going on there?" "Beneath the empty grave which is supposed to contain the body of your dead twin brother," "We are building a communications center." "Six undertakers have been for the last six weeks, day and night, excavating." "What is wrong with a radio in the bedroom of my mother?" "The Germans jam it." "We have a new plan of escape for the British airmen." "We must able to contact England to tell them when to put it into effect." "We need a bigger aerial to give our signal more power." "It will be ready for testing within the next 24 hours." "When i give the word," "We will all go to the churchyard and place on your grave flowers." "For this reason, you must not go today." "I do not think this rhubarb will last until tomorrow." "Make a pie for your mother." "I must leave you in great hastle." "I am late for bomb practice." "I think they have started without you." "Rene, officer Crabtree is coming across the square." "Well, he's not coming in my cafe again." "That Napoleon-French accent of his will get us all shot." "Good moaning." "What a nice dew it is with the sin showing and not a clot in the sky." "Yes, it is indeed a lovely dew." "Will you please pass off?" "I have good nose." "The British navvy have a plin." "An aeroplin?" "No, a rescue plin for the British earmen." "That is indeed good nose." " Don't you start." "This is the plin..." "When the time is root, the will wick down the canal to the ostuary, where they will be pocked up by a submaroone." "Wait..." "What..." "We..." "How are they supposed walk down the canal?" "They are six feet tall, the canal is eight feet deep." "They will drown." " That is the clever bot." "On their hods, they will carry an upturned tin both." "No, he has lost me." "I think he means a tin bath." "They have just practiced, and it wicks." "Hello!" "If i had not seen it with my own eyes, i would not believe it." "If you do not mind me saying, Herr Flick," "You will soon wear a hole in our commandeered carpet." "I will continue pacing until i have found an answer to my question." "If i knew the question perhaps i could be of help." "Your single brain cell would be better employed putting on the kettle." "Yes, Herr Flick." "Stop." "I have got it." "May my single brain cell ask what you have got?" "The answer to question that has vexed us ever since we first occupied this town." "How do we pull the crumpet?" "That is not the question that has vexed us." " It has vexed me." "The question is this:" "How do we discover who hides the British airmen when they have been shot down?" "Answer:" "We disguise ourselves as British airmen who have been shot down." "I wish i had thought of that." " You are too busy thinking about crumpet." "Question two:" "How do we convince the resistance that we are genuine British airmen?" "We carry cricket bats" "Good thinking..." "But rather obvious!" "No." "We wear British uniforms, and we both jump out of a captured British Wellington." "Are British Wellingtons big enough?" "I'm talking about a British Wellington bomber." "The resistance will then take us to their secret headquarters, we will make a note of its whereabouts and their identities, and we will return with the army to effect the capture." "Oh, a most ingenious plan, Herr Flick." "I cannot see it failing." "Then we have but one task..." "To learn enough English to fool the French." "Fortunately, the Gestapo have provided a comprehensive record library." "Here it is." ""Tibetan in three months."" ""There will be big bombers over the white cliffs of dover tomorrow." "Just you wait and see!"" "Sung by Goering." "Ah, here's the one." ""How to fool the French that you are English in one easy lesson."" "Here is the English to fool the French peasants." "Repeat after me." "Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa." "Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa." "Private Helga!" "You beautiful lady!" "I kiss-a your hand." "What are you doing with my typewriter?" "I compose for you the beautiful-a poem." "You listen good." ""Your wonderful smile drives me out of my wits." "I love-a your eyes and your..."" " Captain Bertorelli!" ""...and your other nice bits." "I got a surprise, and i hope-a that it fits."" "Captain Bertorelli!" " All-a the way from Italy." "The silk, a liberty bodice." "See?" "In it there is a lot of liberty." " Helga!" "I must go, the colonel wants me." " We all want you." "Oh, captain." "You called, Colonel?" " I've been calling you for half an hour." "Where have you been?" " I've been with Herr Flick." "And what nastiness is he cooking up?" "I have to report, he has a most ingenious plan to find out who is helping the British airmen to escape." "Herr Flick and herr Von Smallhausen intend to disguise themeselves as British airmen," "So that the resistance will pick them up and take them to their secret hiding place." "I do not like the idea of the Gestapo being successful where we have failed." "But, colonel, suppose the trail should lead to the cafe and Rene." "If Rene's involved, it's entirely his own fault." "We've warned him often enough." "Could we not drop him a hint?" "No, Gruber." "I absolitely forbid you to drop anything." "Colonelo, Rene is the good man, huh?" "He has the nice wife, the nice serving girls," "What for you want to drop him into the Whatsit?" "Because if general Von Klinkerhoffen finds out that we've tipped him off, we could all be shot!" " Could we not make an anonymous call?" "Lieutenant Gruber, that's-a the great idea." "You make him the anonymous call." "I would willingly do this, but i fear that he would recognize the tone of my voice." "Quite right, Gruber." "I will make the call." "Put over the mouthpiece the handkerhief, like in the gangster movies with-a the Humphrey Bogart." "How does Humphrey Bogart do it?" "Listen, sweetheart," "Get out of town or you're gonna find yourself wearing a concrete overcoat-a." "All right, i've got it." "It's ringing." "Cafe Rene, can i help you?" "Listen, sweetheart," "Get out of town, or you vill find yourself vearing a concrete overcoat." "Colonel, do you wish to order a table?" "I think the Colonel must be going round the twist." "He mentioned something about a concrete overcoat." "Oh, he was probably referring to your wife's pastry." "Oh, Rene, how i long for the day when i can cook for you." "So do i, Yvette." "I promise there will always be something hot on the table for you." "I can just imagine." " Oh, Rene." "Hold me, crush the breath from my body with your strong arms." "Kiss me so that the great surging tide of emotion drowns me in ecstasy." "Well, i suppose i could try." "Rene!" "What are you doing with that girl?" "You stupid woman." "Are you not aware that this girl has not been to the dentist for three months?" "Do you never check the servants' teeth?" "She has a great big bad molar in the back there." "Oh, Rene, i am so sorry i have let you down." "Can you forgive me?" " Just this once, but do not let it happen again." "Now off you go into the kitchen." "Bite on a clove of garlic for the pain." "I will book you into the dentist." " Whoo!" "Mama, what are you doing out of bed?" "I am fed up with bed!" "And loneliness." "And thin soup." "To think that once i was the most talked-about woman in Paris." "Mama, we talk about you." "Yes, we say "what is the old bat up to now?"" "Well, it is all about to come to an end." "Oh, mama, do not say that." "You have years left." "Certainly months." "Monsieur Ernest Leclerc has asked me to marry him," "And i intend to accept." " Mama!" "My god, he is a fast worker." "He's only been here 24 hours." "Ernest has rekindled the dying embers of my love." "I am surprised he has any wind left in his bellows." "Do not insult him!" "He is clear of eye, young at heart, and, well..." "The rest of him is coming along quite well." "It is he, Leclerc." " Ernest, oh-hhh!" "Oh-hhh, Fannie!" "Fannie, i have something for..." "I have a ring for you, see?" "Look how it sparkles in the light." "Oh, Ernest, it is a whopper." "But how could you afford such a ring?" "You forget the trade i was in when we met." "Was he a jeweler?" " He was a burglar." "Fannie, come with me to the town square, and i will tell the world of our love!" "Yes, off you go." "Your wheelchair and crutches are just outside." "Rene, do not worry." "You are not losing a mother-in-law," "You are gaining a father-in-law." "Oh my god." "Mama, when will the happy event take place?" "As soon as possible after we are married." "What a stupid question." "General Von Klinkerhofen!" "Heil Hitler!" " Heil Hitler!" "I am most dissatisfied with the way you're running this town." "You have not arrested anybody in the resistance." "You have failed to find any trace of any missing airmen." "It has now come to my attention that there is curious activity in the churchyard." "Mounds of earth are appearing all over the place, but nobody is being buried." "Gruber, arrest monsieur Alfonse the undertaker, and we will interrogate him." " I have already arrested him," "But i am not satisfied with your interrogation procedures." "I intend to remain here while you question him." "Let him be brought in." "Bring him in here!" "Halt!" "You may dismiss." "Now then, Colonel, interrogate him." " Go ahead, Gruber." "Ah." "Uh..." "Good morning." " Do not say good morning!" "Walk round him slowly, looking at him closely." "Then stand behind him." "This always puts them in a state of anxiety." "What the general says is quite correct." " Carry on." "What is your name?" " We know his name!" "There are distinct guidelines in the manual of interrogation." "Use them." "Of course, general." "Ah, yes, in fact..." ""Now listen to me carefully, and understand this:" "We know everything."" "In that case, can i go?" " No, you may not go!" "Ask him about the mounds of earth." " Of course." "What about the mounds of earth?" "What mounds of earth?" " We ask the questions!" "Look." " Oh." "Where exactly did you see them, general?" " In the graveyard." "In the graveyard." "Why are little mounds of earth appearing in the graveyard?" "Could it perhaps be the moles?" "That seems a perfectly logical explanation." "Not to me." "You are up to something." "Six of your gravediggers have been at work night and day, but no one is getting buried." "How do you account for this?" "Well, you see, general, in the summertime when business is slack, we try to stock up for the winter." "That is the time when they pop off." "Are you satisfied with this explanation, colonel?" "Definitely not, general." " Well, i am." "Be more careful in future." " Yes, general." "Oh..." "My card." "24-hour service, i will bury you swiftly and with style." "And if your garden should require attention, i also do edge cutting and returfing." "Go away!" " Go away!" "Keep an eye on the graveyard, i am not satisfied with this explanation." "But, general, when i said i was not satisfied, you were very cross." "Colonel, sometimes you are thick as two short fat planks." "Where have you been?" "I have been waiting an hour." "Your operation must be canceled." "I've just been interrogated gy the very nasty general with the piggy face." "Did you reveal anything?" " Nothing." "But they suspect something." "We will have to risk it." "The airmen are ready to make their rendezvous." "This evening we must use the radio to alert England so that a submarine can be sent." " Is it working?" "This is our mechanical aerials expert." " Oh, i see." "She would make anything work." " Show him." "The slab." "The aerial." "Enough." " Does it not go higher?" "It rises to 20 feet above ground level, but we must not risk that the Germans could see it." "My god, what ingenuity." "What a remarkable mind you must posses, mademoiselle." "The idea came to me late at night in my bed." "Sometimes one does get the best ideas there." "But they don't last long." "Where have you been?" "There are customers to be served." "We need you behind the bar." "I have a message for Rene from Michelle." "Rene, Michelle has a message for you." "How unusual." " Michelle says you are to go to your grave." "What?" "The one where your twin brother is buried." "You will take these flowers," "And here is the message that you are to send to England on the radio." "Why me?" "Why can you not send the message?" "Because you are the hero of the resistance." "London will only respond to your voice." "Michelle says the halo which operates the opening of the slab, has gone wonky." "You will have to press the cherub's buzzer." "And where is the cherub's buzzer?" "Here is a picture of the cherub," "The arrow points to his buzzer." "I hope the vicar is not looking out of his window." "You must go at once." "I will look after the bar." "And i will the cabaret." "Just look after the bar." "Ah, Helga." "Shut the door." "Be sure that no one approaches." "I am calling Rene in case he does not take seriously the colonel's warning." "It is in all our interests that he keeps clean his nose." "Hello, may i speak please to Rene?" "Oh." "Oh, dear." "Thank you." "He has gone to the churchyard to place flowers on the grave of his brother." "The one you shot?" " I'm afraid so." "You will understand, Helga, that i still feel most uncomfortable about that matter." "I feel his presence, you know?" "I wake at night seeing him at the end of the bed." "He points his finger at me and he says," ""J'accuse, J'accuse."" "Who is this Jack Hughes?" "I have no idea." "I feel that i too should place flowers on his grave." "Unfortunately, i have no flowers, and the shops will be shut." "I will commandeer some from the grave of a peasants." "No, Helga, that would not be appropriate." "We will steal some from the colonel's garden." "Ah!" " Have we been seen?" "No, the coast is clear." "Press the cherub's buzzer." "Quick, into the crypt." "Monsieur Rene, did on your way, see a girl, very tall," "Mackintosh, bare legs, little white socks, long blonde hair, black shoes with high heels?" "Not that i recall, no." "In that case there is no one to operate this very complicated machinery." "Oh, dear, what a pity." "Let us go home." " No, we will wait for her." "No no no." "The message must be delivered in 30 seconds from now." "Perhaps she will turn up." "Churchyards are very spooky, are they not?" " Yes." "There was a strange chill." "I feel the presence of Rene's twin brother most strongly." "Let us quickly place the flowers on his tomb, and return to the warmth of our quarters." "I think it is just over there." "Well, it is time." " She is not here." "We can go now." "Monsieur Rene, for the honor of France, i must try to recall the correct procedure." "Yes." "Here." "You keep the microphone." "Now i will turn on the transmitter," "Madame Edith will operate the switch." "Out of the way, Rene." "First the left." "There it is." "I feel his presence even more strongly." "Now the other one." "Oh!" "Oh!" "What is that?" "Ah-hhh!" "Stop that!" "Rene, forgive me." "You are forgiven, my son." "That was a terrible experience." "At least he hasn't mentioned Jack Hughes." "Subtitle by EsToNiA1"