"HE PLAYS THE MOUTH ORGAN" "Oh-h!" "Thank you very much, Victor(!" ") That's three months up the spout!" "Oh." "Sorry, Jack." "Here." "What're you doing with a bloody moothie anyway?" "!" "I'm bored out my gord!" "Aye, well..." "You're no the only one." "Well, I dug this oot." "I'm gonnae learn it." "Aye, well, good." "Gie us a tune, then." "What's your pleasure?" "Er..." "Yellow Rose Of Texas or something." "Good choice." "TUNE IS NOT RECOGNISABLE" "Oh, well, Larry Adler'll be shiting' hissel' now, won't he?" "Needs a bit of work." "Do you no think?" "Aye." "This is murder, innit?" "It is, aye." "That is the source of oor misery right there." "Look at it - pitch black." "Five to three in the afternoon." "Do you know what we are?" "A couple of bears in a Russian zoo." "Caged." "Demented." "You're right, Jack." "I mean..." "It's OK in the summer, we can sit in the park till, I don't know, ten o'clock." "But this..." "I know." "What are we supposed to dae?" "See, yer young people, they're busy working." "They don't notice this time." "But see between about three o'clock and the time ye get to yer bed, for a pensioner, it's like a bloody week." "Right, that's it." "Oh, easy cowboy." "It's a bit early for that, is it no?" "Is it?" "Is it?" "Is it, though?" "Talk it up, Jack." "Convince me." "Yer Swedes, yer Norwegians, yer Icelandics... they all live in places of the long winter's night." "What do they dae?" "How do they combat the boredom?" "I'll tell ye what they dae." "They seek the company of Mr John Barleycorn." "They get pished!" "That's how you never here fae these countries in the winter." "That's how a situation never arises." "They're wasted!" "Are you sure, Jack?" "Are they no fishing and skiing and driving sleds wi' huskies?" "Yes, they are." "Pished." "Mush-mush, old friend, get the lid aff it!" "Aye, it's good news right enough." "Aye." "I'm actually quite excited at the prospect." "What's that?" "They're opening the bookie's again - next to Navid's." " And what?" " I think that's great news." "Do you no think that's fantastic?" "It'll save us dragging ourselves down the high street if we want to put a bet on." "Aye." "It's tremendous." "Bang, right on your doorstep." "Look at the pair of youse." "Foamin' at the mooth at the prospect of a shitey bookie's opening, eh?" "Oh, I cannae wait to be a pensioner when's life is as exciting as yours is(!" ")" "Oh, lads, can I tell him?" "Pretty please?" "Wait to you hear this, Winston." "You'll pish yer frillies!" "The bookie's is opening again!" "I heard." "Big deal." "Thank you. ..." "Big deal." "Well, it is an occasion." "I mean, they're bringing down Captain Dandy and a jockey." "The papers are gonnae be there." "I'm gonnae get ma photo taken with a horse." "Have you got a camera you could lend me, Boabby?" "Lads." "You got my pie?" "Aye." "What are you daein' bringin' pies in when I've got perfectly good pies here?" "!" "These are Gregg's, Boabby." "A pie's a pie, for Christ's sake, is it no?" "Uh-oh!" "There's three in here." "I only asked for two!" "Can I get it?" "Too slow, Boabby!" "I see the bookie's is opening up again." "Yes." "We know." "Great, in't it?" "Aye, it's great, aye." "If you're a mug." "What ye talkin' about, Winston?" "You love the bookie's." "No, loved." "Past tense." "You'll no catch me setting foot in there again." "We all love a bet, Winston, but you..." "You were never happier than when you had a line on." "You were like a wean on Christmas Eve!" "Aye, well, not any more." "Look all the wee horses, Winston." "Which one's gonnae win?" "I don't know!" ""Pick me, Winston."" "Touch it." "I don't want to touch it." "Come on, Winston, look at it!" "It's a page full of promise!" "That has to get yer plums pumping'!" "Tam, Tam, Tam..." "I see what you're trying to do, but you're wasting yer breath." "I'm done with the bookies." "Stevie was a long time ago, Winston." "Let me tell you something." "All my adult life - right?" " every single week, I would dae my wee accumulator." "Never won a button." "Then - bingo - up it comes." "Result after result." "£32,550!" "Hooray!" "Do I get paid?" "Do I shite!" "Stevie the bookie does a runner." "Me?" "I'm left screaming, running about from town to town, gibbering like an idiot!" ""Has anybody seen Stevie with my money?" "!" Searching for him!" "Aye." "You even made up wee wanted posters, d'ye remember?" "I kept one!" "Put it away, Boabby." "I don't want to see his face." "I'm about to eat." "Anyway..." "I'm past all that now." "That's all behind me." "I'm in a better place now." "Here it is." "Aw, f..." "He who moves with lethargy eateth not a pie for tea!" "Ah, Navid." "Gentlemen, what can I get you?" "Well, here's the thing." "What can you offer us in the line of a decent whisky?" "Absolutely bugger all." "Eh?" "Sorry, lads." "You are looking at the purveyor of such fine beverages as Sputnik vodka, Mississippi Steamboat and Blue Hyena for the kids." "Craiglang is not for the connoisseur." "So what have you got?" "We have a Kildrum, two-year-old." "Largely cos it's been lying there for two years." "Nah." "You're all right." "You're Grant's men." "Why the sudden snootiness?" "Ach, it's him, Navid, you know." "We finished off this lovely bottle of malt that Jack had." "Once ye've had malt, ye've touched the stars." "Aye, you don't want to go back to mundane, you know." "The run of the mill..." "The shite." "Aye." "You need a bus." "Tae where?" "West End." "Oddbins do whisky tasting every Thursday." "It's for all the arseholes with too much money." "They break open six or seven bottles every week." "Good gear." "I used to go to that." "Lovely." "Barred me but." "What happened?" "Well, they only gie you two halves, right?" "So I swipes the bottle, necks it and split the guy's heid wi' the empty." "Oh, convivial." "Hey, Navid, how come you don't have tastings in here?" "I'd certainly come." "Good idea, Pete." "We'll do one tomorrow." "What time's good for you?" "What about 5am, just before I take the rolls in, ya jakey bastard?" "!" "Free whisky!" "Aye." "That's two words that go together well, eh?" "Well, that's that, then." "We'll get the 36 into the toon and the 89 oot tae the West End." "Jesus, is that a horse?" "That's no just any horse, boy." "That's Captain Dandy!" "Right, Freddie, just another couple with you with Captain Dandy?" "That's it." "That's lovely." "Winston!" "Hey, Winston." "Captain Dandy, eh?" "He's beautiful, in't he?" "Aye." "Aye, he is, aye." "Get the bookie in." "Where's the bookie?" "Right." "I'm off." "Stevie?" "Stevie!" "You bastard!" "Wait a minute." "I'm no Stevie!" "WINSTON ROARS" "Oh, Jesus!" "HORSE SCREAMS" "I'm telling you, that man's name is Stevie Reid!" "Please be quiet a minute." "Francis Reid." "Francis Reid, ma arse!" "It's Stevie Reid, I'm telling ye." "Look, officer." "I can explain this." "He thinks I'm my younger brother." "He used to be the bookie here, but he done a runner." "Aye, wi' ma money!" "Look, mate, I'm sorry!" "If it's any consolation, he owes me a fortune an' all!" "No way." "No way!" "Look." "This is an end to the matter." "The gentlemen's provided documentary evidence stating he is who he says he is, not this Stevie character you're on about." "Now count yourself lucky I'm no arresting you." "Everything all right?" "He's still a bit dizzy, but he'll be fine." "Right." "On yer way." "I don't like this." "This stinks." "That is that bastard." "I'm sure of it." "That fella's baldy." "It could be Stevie's brother." "I think ye got aff light." "Imagine the headline!" ""Craiglang man beats Derby winner by a head."" "THEY LAUGH" "Er, ahem...could we, eh...?" "There we go, gentlemen." "The Balvenie 15." "It's a limited edition." "Absolutely gorgeous." "Not too much peat, orange peel and burnt almonds." "Aye, I'd heard that." "I've heard that an aw." "The orange peel, aye." "Smashin'." "Not for me, that one." "Too earthy." "I don't like a cask strength." "A couple of those and you're, well..." "Let me put it this way." "You're, um..." "Not to put too fine a point on it..." "Shut up!" "Wind yer neck in and try enjoy yersel', son." "Please excuse my friend, for he is an ignorant bastard." "Don't be shy, gentlemen." "Try the Maclivie." "Now, that distillery is silent now." "25 years old." "A wee sip of history." "Aye, it'll be history when it's flyin' oot ma pisser in aboot an hour!" "Oh, the old Pulteney." "I like this one." "It's got a lovely nose." "I like this one." "It's got a lovely shiny label." "There we go, gentlemen." "What's this?" "You could win a case of whisky." "Scratch cards?" "Let's see what we're onto to here now." "Hee-haw." "Visit." "Visit." "Visit." "What's that?" "Hmm?" "What's that, son?" "Well done." "You've won a visit to a local distillery." "No!" "Hey!" "Have another dram and I'll fetch you up the details." "Could we manage another wee dram?" "What time is it?" "Half past one." "And what time is the last bus home to Craiglang?" "What ye daein', Winston?" "Nuthin'." "Have you got a bet on?" "Oh, yes, Eric." "Yes, indeedy." "Aztec Flame - 8-1." "Jesus!" "20 quid?" "I thought you were done with the betting?" "This isnae betting, Eric." "This is an experiment." "What do you mean?" "Always smiling away." "Never happier, this "Frankie"!" "You're no still maintaining that's Stevie?" "Smiling away." "Loves his work." "Ye see, Stevie hated his life." "Hated his punters." "And he hated me most of all." "You cannae disguise that, Eric." "See, that there happy-go-lucky attitude - that's all a performance." "He cannae keep that up." "Least of all... 'That's a turn up for the books as Aztec Flame is the winner.' ...when I've got a winner." "WINSTON CHANTS:" "Ste-vie!" "Ste-vie!" "Ste-vie!" "My name's Frankie." "Frankie?" "Is it?" "OK, Frankie." "I'll play along with that, Frankie." "Frankie, you owe me 180 quid." "What do you make of that?" "Oh, did you have Aztec Flame?" "Good for you!" "Winston, in't it?" "Another winner down at Frankie's!" "Ye see, gentlemen?" "That's how you do it!" "Well done, sir." "Shut up, you." "He husnae gie'd me the money yet." "Oh, you bastard!" "What?" "You nearly showed yer true colours there." "You used to hate paying me oot!" "You used shove they winnings at me like it was a wean's shit-filled nappy!" "Gutted at paying' out." "You just managed to catch yerself there!" "Listen, friend, you're confused." "I understand." "Enjoy your winnings." "Go and spend it on something nice." "Don't fritter it away in here." "Know this, ya ugly bastard." "I'm watching you." "You will fall." "And when you do, it's gonnae cost you thirty two and a half grand!" "Have a nice day." "Pound each way Spanish Maria, Frankie." "Frankie?" "HE CHANTS:" "Fran-kie." "FRANKIE!" "What?" "!" "Spanish Maria - pound each way." "Nae bother." "Welcome to our distillery here in Dumgoyne." "Now, your whole day begins here." "My name is Andrew and I will be your tour guide today." "We will begin in the main bonding hall shortly." "I'm so excited, Jack." "Do you know what this is like?" "It's like Charlie Wonka." "Oh, aye, aye." "Charlie Wonka and the booze factory!" "How many drinks do you think you get?" "It's hard to say, in't it?" "I mean, at a small distillery, you'd get mebbe one at the end." "But this is a big place, you know." "It's a lot of people." "It's a day out." "So have you got a figure in mind?" "I'm surmising six, mebbe eight halves." "Six, mebbe eight?" "!" "That's respectable!" "That's a glow!" "Aye, it's a snifter!" "A snootful!" "Listen, gents, it's not really about the free whisky." "It's more about absorbing the culture." "Well, me and my friend here are gonnae get absorbed oot wur tits." "It is here you'll discover a bit about the history of the distillery and a bit about the people involved in the centuries-old production of what we consider to be the finest malts in the world." "JACK AND VICTOR CHEER" "I see some of you have cameras." "That's fine, feel free to snap away." "If I could just ask you, though, to refrain from picture taking in the actual blending room." "Peter, our master blender, likes to protect the family secrets." "Excuse me, son." "Yes?" "Well, it's no family secret that me and colleague here enjoy a dram." "When are we getting one?" "I think you might all agree it's just a tad early for that." "Don't worry." "You'll get a chance a little later on." "Oh, a little later on." "Nightmare, in't it?" "ANDREW CONTINUES HIS TALK" "Well, well, well." "Now... why would a baldy bastard be shaving his baldy bit?" "Why would he do that?" "Is it because he isnae a baldy bastard?" "Oh, he IS a bastard, but he isnae baldy!" "Stevie... you're busted!" "You hid in ma lavvy all night?" "That's right." "I telt ye I was watching ye." "You see, I knew if I could catch you unawares, that ye'd let yer guard slip." "And I was right." "Yes, indeedy, Stevie boy." "You're humped!" "What are you gonnae dae?" "Go to the police?" "They think you're a crackpot." "And better yet, they think I'm Frankie." "I've documents to prove it." "Who's gonnae believe ye?" "I've got to say, an old man prepared to sit on a shitey lavvy all night - that's impressive." "But it's just you and me, pal." "Frankie and the old loony." "A smart man would have brought a witness." "Morning, Stevie." "That's you ran oot o' bog roll." "Thanks for the dough, Stevie boy." "Oh, look at that." "That's really stickin' in your craw, in't it?" "I'll see you this afternoon, then." "Oh, you'll no see me in there." "Course I will." "You cannae keep away, Winston." "You're a mug punter." "You built my bookie's." "Bricks and mortar." "You'll be back." "You're just keeping that money warm for me." "Get it up ye!" "What's the matter wi' you?" "I fell asleep against the cistern." "These are some very special bottles that have sat here for some time." "Can anyone tell me why this whisky is so pale?" "It's been filtered though heather." "This was barrelled in what we call a blonde barrel, pale wood." "Is that..." "Is that Clark Gable there?" "Well spotted." "Clark Gable used to buy whisky from us." "Crates of it for big Hollywood parties." "As a token of our appreciation, we made up a special personalised line." "We said to Mr Gable, "Any time you want some of your own whisky, just pick up the phone." And he did." "Time and time again, until he sadly passed on." "That's the last bottle." "Clark Gable was a wanker." "Aye, he was a wanker." "His oily hair and his piss-thin moustache." "She loved him!" "I thought he was red rotten." "Aye, big sticky oot ears." "Like a taxi wi' its bloody doors open." "He was a prick." "Here, here." "What's this?" "Full barrel." "Empty hip flask." "Tobacco knife." "Right." "Get ready." "LIQUID GURGLES" "There you go." "Oh!" "What have ye done, ye fool?" "!" "Put the cork on!" "You're standing on it!" "Get it in!" "Right, that's it!" "That's it!" "Are you OK there?" "Aye, nae danger." "Come and get a drop." "I hope you enjoyed the tour, ladies and gentlemen." "Feel free to purchase a gift from our whisky shop." "Thank you very much for coming." "Just through there, please." "Is that it?" "I was just getting a bloody taste for that there." "Aye, it's a con, in't it?" "Show you a couple of stills, gie ye a couple of halves, then boof!" "Bounce you intae the shop and fleece ye!" "Aye, dirty, fly bastards." "Oh, no, no." "Have a look at this." "What is it?" "That is another tour kicking off." "Oh, different tour guide." "Do you want to latch on to it?" "Come on, quick, quick." "'Best safe in the world, boy." "'Ha-ha-ha!" "'You've cracked it!" "'Ah-h!" "'Thirty-two and a half grand!" "'Play your cards right and life's gonnae get a whole lot easier." "'You'll be getting thrown oot for a start." "'Aye, you've served me well, but it's time to go." "'It's leather that'll be caressing my butt cheeks from now on." "'Shitey carpet tae." "'Goodbye, old friend." "'A wee holiday maybe." "'Or you could go to the bookie's!" "'Pop into a wee showroom." "'Aye, buy a wee car." "'Ye can dae that after ye've been to the bookie's!" "'Options..." "'Bookie's!" "'" "For God's sake!" "'Come on, man." "Take mair money aff that bastard!" "'Get back in and finish him off!" "'You know yer horses!" "'Stick it tae him!" "Leave him for deid!" "'" "So it's Finbar's Fury in the 2.30." "Put your house on it, the granny's savings, the mortgage, the kids' college fund, your wife, whatever you like!" "Cannot get beaten!" "I could ride Finbar's Fury and it would win!" "They're all piling in!" "I don't know the 2nd or 3rd, but I've got a horse." "Finbar's Fury!" "No, no!" "Don't switch off, Winston!" "Well, done, Winston." "We thought we'd lost you there." "There's plenty of time for leather sofas, luxury holidays and sports cars!" "Imagine thirty two and a half grand." "That would be fine, but it could be 50 grand!" "It could be 100 grand!" "There's Finbar's Fury in the 2.30!" "Get that wedge off the table and get your backside down to the bookie's!" "Now, Winston!" "Now!" "Right, John!" "Give me a minute to get ma leg on!" "Now up here are some very special whiskies." "Now, can anybody tell me why this one is so pale?" "Certainly." "Could it be that it was filtered through the heather?" "A blonde wood barrel, perhaps?" "Oh, excellent." "You know your whiskies." "Oh, yes." "Now this here..." "Clark Gable!" "Now, I'll tell you, I was reading a whisky journal and that whisky was specifically commissioned by the distillery here and sent to Mr Gable, because he was such a good customer." "That..." "That's the last bottle." "My goodness." "That's very well-informed of you." "Nip, sweetheart?" "Oh, lovely." "I don't want to finish it all." "Oh, don't worry about that." "We've got our own private barrel through there." "RACE COMMENTARY ON TV I telt ye ye'd be back." "Shut up!" "No sign of Finbar's Fury!" "Well, I'm flabbergasted!" "I must admit I fancied Finbar's Fury a bit." "But never mind..." "John!" "In the three o'clock here at Lingfield, the jockey of the moment is Pat O'Crieff..." "Never mind that the noo." "The man's on fire!" "John!" "What are ye talking to the telly fur, Winston?" "John!" "Agh!" "Ignorant bastard." "4,000" " King Vidor." "Welcome back." "I've missed ye." "OK, ladies and gentlemen, I hope very much you've enjoyed your tour." "Please make your way to the gift shop where we have a beautiful selection of keenly priced whiskies." "This way, please." "Is that the tour over?" "Aw." "That was a bit short and sweet." "No more free drink either?" "Not necessarily." "Come on." "No good." "No good at all." "All good horses, aye, but just no good luck!" "What are you talking about?" "!" "Soft!" "He said the going was gonna be soft!" "Aye, but it wisnae!" "No, it wisnae, it was hard!" "The whip was oot too early." "He didnae stand a chance!" "Good horses too, lovely horses, strong horses." "Just tired." "So, so tired." "Listen to yourself." "You're raving!" "John!" "Where's John?" "I need to speak to John!" "John who?" "John McCririck!" "He talks to me." "He told me everything would be fine!" "Right, that's enough." "I'm gonnae get you outta here." "How much money have you got left?" "Three grand." "Jesus!" "See you." "You should get the jail!" "Man makes bets." "I'm a bookie." "I did warn him." "One mair bet." "Fix it all." "Make it all better." "Behave yourself!" "Behave Yourself?" "When's it running?" "Pull yourself together!" "It's over!" "Three grand's still a lot of money." "Right, you, come on!" "Jesus!" "What have I done?" "!" "It disnae matter." "Come on, I'll get you a pint!" "A pint, aye." "Three grand Spartan Dream!" "Three grand on Spartan Dream." "Now up here we have some very important bottles of whisky." "# Filtered through the heather!" "# She's as pure as the heather in the dell!" "# The bonny, bonny heather... #" "Yes, quite." "Thank you." "And on this one we have Clark Gable." "Ooh!" "I'm Clark Gable." "I was in Gone With The Wind." "Stupid prick!" "Andrew." "Oh, it's Andy!" "It's Andy!" "It's Andy!" "Come on, Spartan Dream!" "'There's nothing between them as they go to the line." "'Spartan Dream wins it by a nose!" "' YE-E-ES!" "It's 10/1!" "That's 30 grand plus your three grand stake." "That's 33 grand!" "You're up 500 quid!" "Thank you, Stevie." "Thank you for keeping me money warm." "Now get into that safe and get me paid!" "Look at you, Stevie." "You're actually thinkin' aboot doing it again, in't ye?" "!" "Doing a runner!" "What are you gonna do this time?" "Cut yer baws aff and come back as yer sister?" "!" "Get me paid!" "Oh, look, here we go." "WINSTON LAUGHS Thank you, Stevie." "I'll tell you who I fancy in the last race here at Lingfield..." "Shut up, John!" "I cannae believe they let they women on the bus, but they wouldnae let us on the bus, eh?" "!" "Stuck here, alone in the middle of naewhere, steaming'." "You know what?" "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." "VICTOR LAUGHS Clark Gable!" "How much money have you got now?" "33 grand." "I'm actually £500 up!" "It's all in there." "It's all in your leg?" "That's good, Winston!" "Here, are youse no having a drink, no?" "No." "Tea's fine." "I tell ye whit, boys." "I was down the biggest hole of my life there." "An abyss it was." "Staring the devil right in the face." "But I didnae gie up." "I knew my luck would turn." "I'll tell you one thing, though." "That's a rollercoaster I'll no be riding again." "I'd love to have seen that Stevie." "Chalk white he was." "A wreck." "I'll never forget that face as long as I live." "Good fur you, Winston." "You're no going to do anything silly with that money, are ye?" "No, no danger." "Aw!" "Aw, but his face, though!" "It's as if I planted one right in his balls!" "Boof!" "Right in the Niagra Falls!" "Boof." "Right in the Costa del Sols!" "Right in the Davina McCalls!" "Boof."