"(POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE MARCHES PLAYING)" "YOUNG WOMAN:" "They wonder why those of us in our twenties refuse to work an 80-hour week just so we can afford to buy their BMWs," "why we aren't interested in the counterculture that they invented, as if we did not see them disembowel their revolution for a pair of running shoes." "MALE STUDENT:" "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "YOUNG WOMAN:" "But the question remains, what are we going to do now?" "How can we repair all the damage we inherited?" "Fellow graduates, the answer is simple." "The answer is..." "I don't know." "(STUDENTS CHEERING, WHISTLING)" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Good save, Lelaina." "I'm not a valedictorian, but I play one on TV." "We all know you slept your way to the podium." "My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life." "He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy." "Been after my ass for years." "Troy Dyer." "Brought you back a souvenir." "You could still go back next year and graduate, still get your BFA." "Oh, can I?" "And then I can hang this on my rearview mirror to brag to all my good buddies back home that I graduated." "Well, I'm through with the whole wank-a-rama." "Well, I know this sounds cornball, but, um," "I'd like to somehow make a difference in people's lives." "And I..." "I would like to buy them all a Coke." "And you wonder why we never got involved." "Three words, November 16, 199..." "Oh, totally drunk." "It would have been a poetic experience, if I weren't such a gentleman." "Just let it go, Dyer." "Surrender the fantasy." "LELAINA:" "Hey, Sammy, what's your goal?" "My goal is to..." "I'd like a career or something." "I think the moment has been appropriately captured." "Could you please take your face out of the camera?" "Come on." "It's for my documentary." "Her documentary." "Think fast." "Here's the deal." "I'm gonna take Sam against his will and straighten him out, because I believe if we can get two women on the Supreme Court, we can get at least one on you, Sam." "I'm Superman." "I can fly." "She's toasted." "Quick, Vickie, what's your Social Security?" "Uh, 851-25-9357." "Very impressive." "It's the only thing I really learned in college." "Sometimes I get that not-so-fresh feeling." "ALL: (SINGING) Conjunction junction What's your function?" "Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses" "Conjunction junction How's that function?" "I got three favorite cars" "They get most of my job done" "Honey, honey." "Let me do it for you." "No, no." "Is yours good?" "I don't think it's very fresh." "I'm sorry." "Well, I guess it's about time for me to give you your graduation present." "Your gas card." "I'll pay that bill for one year." "And since Helen Anne's got herself a brand-new Infiniti, we're gonna give you her old BMW." "You pick it up at our house." "BMW?" "BMW!" "Yeah." "Tom, didn't you listen to her speech today?" "She doesn't want a BMW." "Mom, I'll handle this." "I'm not gonna sit here and listen to some strange ethical argument about a damn car." "It's got four wheels." "It runs well." "After you've been in the real world, you're gonna appreciate that car." "Just think of all those starving children in Africa that don't even have cars." "Troy, does your father give you gifts like that?" "Mom!" "My father's dying of prostate cancer, so I don't trouble him much for gifts." "See, Tom?" "TOM:" "Hmm?" "You don't want a BMW." "Tell him, Lelaina!" "Charlane, she can make up her own mind." "Dad, don't talk to her that way." "She's not a child." "Well, she married one." "What?" "All right." "Excuse me." "Come on." "Mom, Dad, I'll take the BMW, until I can afford to buy a regular car, okay?" "Okay, Mom?" "Please?" "Mom, please?" "Come on." "Get a Ford." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Just afloat on the sea" "Find myself on a page of history" "You know as I ride along" "I can always hear the song" "About you" "And where you're meant to be" "Well, you're gonna tell me the answers" "I'll know when you come back to me" "If we should fall" "Love will catch us every time" "I hear you call I will run" "And if the magic of the adventure overcomes" "We won't cry" "Because it could be fun" "Well, I'm gonna tell you the answers" "You'll know when you come back to me" "Gonna be all right" "When you come back to me" "(TELEVISION THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Good morning." "Good morning!" "(CHUCKLING)" "Yes, good morning, ladies and gentleman!" "I see a gentleman right over there!" "Good morning!" "Good morning!" "Boy, I tell ya, it is a good morning with this audience." "Today for all you dieters, guiltless goodies from Chef Skinny Ninny!" "(APPLAUSE) Ho-ho." "Mmm." "And we'll also be visiting with a man right here from Houston who is battling Alzheimer's." "AUDIENCE:" "Aww." "A beautiful and touching story of the triumph of the human spirit." "He's so cheesy I can't watch him without crackers." "Now let's take a peek inside our Video View and see what we have in store today." "It's a special report on children's birthday party themes." "Taped on location at eight-year-old Davey Robbins' party exclusively for our Video View collection." "(APPLAUSE)" "So come sit with me." "Relax." "Have a cup of joe." "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Well, anyway, it's gonna be a good day, good morning." "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) You're beautiful!" "ASSISTANT AD:" "Clear!" "Am I here to amuse you, Ms. Pierce?" "Is that the reason I'm on this show?" "I put on your note card to get your own expresso." "Didn't you get my "espress yourself" memo?" "I don't have time for your games." "We're laying people off around here." "I can find an intern who'll do your job for free, like that." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "I been locked out" "I been locked in" "But I always seem to come back again" "And the view when I look through my window..." "That's a much better size." "That looks great." "That would go with the Easy Fits." "So..." "Oh, buttoning it up." "That's even better." "Okay." "Yeah!" "Roll 'em right up." "It's liberating, isn't it?" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "BOTH: (SINGING) I bought a toothbrush Some toothpaste" "A flannel for my face" "Pajamas, a hair brush" "New shoes and a case" "I said to my reflection" "Let's get out of this place" "Passed the church and the steeple" "The laundry on the hill" "(RAP MUSIC PLAYING) Murders, there's one committed each seven seconds" "How do you know..." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "I got cut off." "I'm sorry." "MAN:" "What the hell happened?" "Tempted by the fruit of another" "(QUACKING)" "(RAP MUSIC BLARING) Hello?" "What?" "Tempted but the truth is discovered" "What's been goin' on Now that you have gone" "No, no, listen." "He needs us." "He makes videos." "We show them, okay?" "It's symbiotic." "It's like the chicken or the egg, both of them working together... (MAN ON PHONE ANSWERS INDISTINCTLY) Well, I'm not scared of him." "No, no, I'm not scared of..." "Jesus!" "(LELAINA SCREAMING)" "Michael, don't laugh at me." "What?" "No!" "(AIR BAG POPPING)" "I'm in an accident." "I got in an accident." "MAN:" "You okay?" "(AIR BAG POPPING)" "Yeah." "No." "I'll call you back." "When you say "sue..." It's not really my idea." "I got my lawyer telling me something about my rates..." "Right." "You mean like sue in a courtroom for money?" "I don't know." "I've never done anything like this before." "Do you have a lawyer?" "No, I don't have a lawyer." "I don't have a dentist." "I'm..." "You know, I make $400 a week." "What do you do?" "At the moment, I'm working..." "(PHONE RINGS)" "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I gotta..." "Hello?" "Yeah, what is it?" "I don't care if she does 12 books of herself naked." "It doesn't..." "That's Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes." "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "Someone else is in here." "Yeah?" "Well, let her say that to me." "No, don't do that." "Oh, I'm sorry." "No, no, you can..." "I was..." "Go ahead." "You want to touch it?" "Me?" "Yeah, go ahead." "No, I was talking to..." "Can I talk to you later?" "Can we..." "What?" "Okay." "Um..." "Okay." "Um, uh..." "You know what?" "Just forget it." "Really." "Just forget the whole thing." "It was probably my fault anyway, and I'll get in trouble, and I don't..." "You seem very sweet, and you seem to like Dr. Zaius." "Oh." "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "That's..." "Oh, I..." "That's..." "He was just a collector's..." "No big..." "Um, well, here's..." "Here's his head." "It's really..." "You know, I think he's gone." "Yeah." "I'm, like, ruining your whole life here." "No, you're not, really." "Just don't touch anything else, and I think we'll be fine." "Michael Grates, Vice President Regional Programming," "In Your Face TV." "We've seen it." "It's like MTV, but with an edge." "So is it a date?" "Yeah." "Yep." "Dinner?" "Coffee." "Coffee or cappuccino?" "Oh, he ended up saying "decaf."" "Oh, no." "Early night." "Is there any pre-coffee activity?" "I don't think so." "Did he ask you to go out or to hang out?" "Go out." "He definitely said go out." "Hey." "How ya doin'?" "Oh, shit." "What?" "I forgot to tell you something." "Are you out of your mind?" "He just got fired from the newsstand." "He needs a place to stay until he can find a new job." "Vickie, that's the American dream of the '90s." "That could take years." "Look at it like a built-in security system." "We'll have a man around." "We'll have a hall monitor." "I don't even know if this is allowed in the building." "It's not like Mr. Roper's gonna burst in." "I'll just stay on the couch." "Vickie, he will turn this place into a den of slack." "What the hell is your problem?" "I have to work, and unfortunately, Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage." "Well, Miss Poster Girl for The Workers Party, until I get that toehold in the burger industry, I got time to suck." "I'd rather check into a shelter." "I know how much you'd love to mainline misery here, but I can get you an interview at my dad's plant." "Is that part of my lease agreement?" "That or a credit check." "It's cool, Troy." "You can stay." "Welcome to the maxi-pad." "Yeah, with the new Dri-Weave." "It actually pulls moisture away from you." "It's good." "You won't even know I'm here." "Well, should I get married Should I be good" "Should I astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and Faustus hood" "Take her to cemeteries and tell her of werewolf tongues and forked clarinets" "What Hey, That's My Bike would like to do eventually as a band is travel the countryside like Woody Guthrie." "Or, uh, Richard Simmons." "You know how he..." "Commercials, he travels around, surprises people jogging." "As you can see, I have, uh, the occasional run-in with an anti-Hey-That's-My-Biker, and to those people, I say nobody..." "Nobody can eat 50 eggs." "Laney?" "What-y?" "The next time you make microwave brownies," "I'd really consider using a microwave." "It's just a thought." "(LAUGHING)" "You know, I finally figured out what your problem is, Dyer." "What's that?" "I'm not a Pepper?" "You suffer from the philosopher-groupie syndrome." "You're this guy with, like, a 180 IQ, 10 units away from a degree in philosophy." "Yeah?" "And you always fall for these dumb groupie types." "Now, they are not all dumb." "Most of them are just very, very depressed." "(LAUGHING)" "You find me attractive, sitting here, eating brownies?" "You do." "You're strangely attracted to me right now." "You're oddly attracted to me." "It turns you on." "You like to watch, don't you?" "Come on!" "(LELAINA SCREAMING)" "Don't!" "Come on." "It's not funny." "Here we are." "Give it back." "Give what back?" "Give it back!" "Give the brownies back?" "Oh, brownies, brownies!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I love brownies!" "My name's..." "Hey, don't." "Hey, watch the camera." "Don't do anything." "That's not nice." "(DOOR OPENING)" "Mr. Gubler, um, do you have time to take a look at what I've done here?" "I need my questions." "Oh." "Well, here's the research that I did." "You might want to read it, 'cause this guest has quite a history in politics." "Just give me my questions." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Excusez-moi." "(CANNED LAUGHTER)" "Are you all alone?" "Not anymore." "If I could bottle the sexual tension between Bonnie Franklin and Schneider," "I could solve the energy crisis." "Excuse me." "Don't Bogart that can, man." "Are you retarded?" "No, I'm rhyming." "It's not easy." "I'm sure I make it look easy." "You guys better not be inhaling." "Hi." "Lelaina, Vickie was just promoted to manager of The Gap." "Shut up." "VICKIE:" "It's not even a big deal." "The old manager tried to kill herself by eating a whole pot of poinsettias." "Still, I'm so proud of you!" "I'll be making $400 a week." "We're never gonna have rent problems again." "Troy, aren't you excited?" "I'm bursting with fruit flavor." "VICKIE:" "Guys, I just thought of something." "I'm manager of The Gap." "I'm responsible for all those T-shirts:" "French cut, V-necked, ribbed, what-have-you." "Dude, I'm in trouble." "No, you're not, Vick." "I know you can do it." "I just do not understand why this moment has to be Memorexed." "Sammy, don't you realize?" "This is your one opportunity to play a small part in what is destined to be greatness." "Laney here is gonna revolutionize" "Good Morning, Grant." "Oh, my God!" "I'm so sorry!" "I had no idea!" "Oh, yeah, look who's mocking." "All you do around here, Troy, is eat and couch and fondle the remote control." "I'm not under any orders to make the world a better place." "Then what good are you?" "You're a pathological optimist." "LELAINA:" "You're pathological." "Oh, would you two just do it and get it over with?" "I'm starving." "(PHONE RINGS) Oh!" "Hello." "You've reached the winter of our discontent." "Uh, hold on." "It's some Michael character?" "(WHISPERING) Who's Michael?" "VICKIE:" "Let's order a pizza." "Lelaina!" "If we promise to pay you back, will you spot us a pizza?" "(WHISPERING) I don't have any cash." "Domino's takes checks." "Okay, great." "(MOUTHING)" "Okay, bye." "The owner of Domino's supports Operation Rescue." "Oh, please, no one gives a shit right now." "We're starving." "Oh, wait." "(ALL GASP)" "Ta-da!" "We're going to eat gas." "Ah!" "Who's this Michael guy?" "Um..." "Hey." "Vickie just figured something out." "What?" "Something wonderful." "(GIGGLING)" ""Evian" is "naive" spelled backwards." "(GASPS) Can you turn this up, please?" "Please?" "You won't be sorry." "Thank you." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "When you gonna give me some time, Sharona" "Ooh, you make my motor run My motor run" "Gun it Comin' it off of the line, Sharona" "Never gonna stop, give it up Such a dirty mind" "I always get it up Come on!" "For the touch of the younger kind" "My, my, my-y-y" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "M-M-M-My Sharona" "Come a little closer, hon I'll be your hunk" "Close enough to look in my eyes, Sharona" "Keepin' it a mystery You get to me" "Runnin' down the length of my thigh, Sharona" "Good times Anytime you need it, baby" "Good times Anytime you need a friend" "Thelma's husband Keith's got vodka hidden in the toilet." "That's a good one." "Doom-doom." "(SINGING) James dies" "That's a two-parter." "VICKIE:" "I'll allow it." "J.J. works in the chicken shop." "We did that." "We did that in the same one where he has a cape on." "Drink up, man." "I hate to see that happen to the rookie." "Um..." "Alderman Davis judges a..." "Oh, my God." "(DOOR OPENING)" "Hi." "Are you a collection agent?" "Lelaina!" "Oh!" "Yeah!" "I'll be right there!" "Oh." "If you ain't the most hardheaded woman" "I have ever seen." "Great." "Hurry up, hurry up." "Oh!" "It's me!" "Willona dates a deaf guy." "Good, good, good." "How about the one where Gary Coleman comes on." "He's, like, the little..." "That guy?" "We did that one." "Go." "It was cute." "J.J.'s prom date." "Gotta go, gotta go." "BOTH:" "Hi." "Um, every..." "This is Michael." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "You got a prom date and a prom date..." "VICKIE:" "Too late." "Wait up." "I'm gonna go." "Bye." "Michael throws a party." "Sammy, let's go." "Lelaina." "You know the punishment for premature evacuation." "MAN:" "Frank's party." "Sammy Joe?" "Penny!" "Willona adopts Penny!" "Shit!" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "I'm, uh, making this documentary about my friends, but it's really about people who are trying to find their own identity without having any real role models or heroes or anything." "Wow." "That sounds great." "I mean, it seems like your friends would be perfect for that, like that guy Troy?" "Troy, yeah." "All done here, sir?" "Uh, yeah." "You don't want to finish that?" "No, I'm fine." "I had a late..." "So, uh, so Troy is..." "You guys just..." "It's like you guys living there, just the two of you?" "No, no, no, no." "It's..." "It's me and Vickie, but he, uh, got fired from his job, so he needed a place to crash for a couple of weeks, so..." "They, um, caught him stealing a Snickers." "He stole a Snickers bar?" "(LAUGHING) Yeah." "(LAUGHING)" "Somehow, he can rationalize it, like the, uh, establishment owes him a Snickers." "Right, right." "Well, I mean, I guess, you know..." "You know, you're very beautiful." "I mean..." "I mean, uh, seriously, you're..." "I'm, uh..." "I'm, uh, not really good with compliments." "Um, but, uh, um..." "Are you religious?" "Um..." "(LAUGHING)" "I'm sorry." "Uh..." "(LAUGHING)" "I guess, um..." "I guess I'm, uh, a non-practicing Jew." "Hey, I'm a non-practicing virgin." "(RADIO PLAYING) LELAINA:" "Who's this again?" "MICHAEL:" "Frampton." "Peter Frampton?" "Frampton." "I can't believe you don't remember Frampton Comes Alive." "That album, like, totally changed my life." "The most profound, important invention of my lifetime." "The Big Gulp." "Because, see, now listen." "You get one in the morning." "I'm talking 44-ouncer, not this 32..." "Wait a minute." "Forty-four?" "Yeah, 44 ounces." "How can you ingest 44 ounces of anything?" "How can you ingest 44 ounces of anything?" "You get one, you have your essential vitamins and nutrients for the entire day." "Oh, yeah, definitely." "Sure, you're totally covered." "You do." "Well, I guess it doesn't really take much to make me happy." "Hey, I'm not..." "I'm not materialistic either." "I mean, I think I'd be working even if I wasn't getting paid." "And I don't, like, want to get a big house and..." "I just want, like, a nice house." "I'm not into cars and stuff." "I mean, I like my car." "You're probably not..." "Really not into, like, expensive, snazzy, Italian suits." "Oh, come on." "I'm just kidding." "No, no, no." "I'm not like that." "I'm just kidding." "I mean, I mean..." "I'm..." "I mean..." "I know why the caged bird sings and everything." "Oh, yeah?" "Why?" "Because he was in a cage, and he was..." "I don't know." "He had high hopes or some..." "Okay, I dropped out of school before we got to that, all right?" "I should have stayed in college and gotten a degree in astronomy." "God, I love astronomy." "Really?" "Yeah, I just..." "The math, though." "It was the math." "Yeah, exactly." "I loved astronomy, too, and I got in the class, and it was like everything was three squared times pi equals the root of..." "Pi!" "Pi." "Yeah." "And I just, like, wanted to look at the stars." "Oh, same here." "Exactly." "It was so..." "I remember being so happy on the roof of our old house, just staring up at the stars." "Mmm." "I want to do that again." "I want to just look up at the stars and take the time to smell the..." "Everything." "'Cause it's like..." "Do you ever have those moments in life where everything is okay?" "Do you know what I mean?" "Like, just for one moment, everything is great?" "Not since I graduated." "No." "But yeah, yeah." "When you, like, catch yourself in a moment, and you're saying, "Wait, wait, I'm happy here." Right, right." "And then it just goes away, really quickly." "Gone." "I know I've had a couple of those." "I always forget them, but I know I've had them." "Oh, me, too." "Like right now, this one." "Yeah, like now." "It's..." "Who decides" "Clouds are stalking islands in the sun" "Wish I could buy one" "Out of season" "But don't" "Hesitate" "'Cause your love" "Won't wait Hey" "Ooh, baby I love your way" "Every day" "Wanna tell you I love your way, ooh" "(GASPS) (SINGING) Ooh, baby, I love your way" "Every day I wanna be with you night and day" "Shh!" "So you been up all night?" "I am picking up some very strange vibes in here." "They're of the "I just got laid" variety." "Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water?" "Or was it his in-depth analysis of, uh," "Marky Mark that finally reeled you in?" "I would like to have been there to watch how you rationalized sleeping with a yuppie-head cheeseball on the first date." "He's not a yuppie." "He's the reason why CliffsNotes were invented." "Well, that pales in comparison to the tweaked-out little skanks you date." "To hell with it." "What do I care?" "What do you care?" "Why are you acting like a jealous boyfriend all of a sudden?" "I am not acting like anything." "I am calmly reading." "God." "If something's bothering you," "I wish you could be man enough to talk to me about it." "All right, Lelaina." "I am really in love with you." "Is that what you want to hear?" "Is it?" "Well, don't flatter yourself." "Go to hell." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Since I've been manager here, our gross has increased over 20%, uh..." "LELAINA:" "So?" "What?" "Okay, okay." "Um, I guess I'm proud of that." "Ho, please." "Look at this sweater." "People don't know what it takes." "I've never been a good example before, and, um," "I've never been good with responsibility, so, uh..." "I blame my parents, though." "I think I was conceived on an acid trip." "My parents got divorced when I was, uh, five years old." "And I saw my father about three times a year after that." "And when he found out that he had cancer, he decided to bring me here, and he gives me this big, pink sea shell, and he says to me, "Son, the answers are all inside of this."" "And I'm all, like, "What?" But then I realize that the shell's empty." "There's no point to any of this." "It's all just a..." "A random lottery of meaningless tragedy in a series of near-escapes." "So I take pleasure in the details." "You know, uh, a Quarter Pounder with Cheese." "Those are good." "The sky about 10 minutes before it starts to rain." "The moment where your laughter becomes a cackle." "And I sit back, and I..." "I smoke my Camel straights." "And I ride my own melt." "Come on, come on." "No lagging'." "The free clinic AIDS test." "The rite of passage for our generation." "We're so lucky." "Come on." "LELAINA:" "So, Vick, why are you getting tested?" "One of my friends tested positive." "Be on the safe side." "You know." "WOMAN:" "Vickie Miner." "Vickie Miner?" "You can forget it." "Come on, Grant." "That is incredible." "It's junk." "Depressing junk." "You know my rules for Video View, light and perky." "Look, Lelaina, maybe I should talk with Grant alone about this." "Look, she's got real talent, and I want to put her on staff." "GRANT:" "I will not have Ms. Pierce on staff." "I will walk out of here when that happens." "You watch." "Okay, calm down." "I mean, it's no big deal." "We don't have to have her." "Having to look at that girl's pointy face all day would make me ill." "Just get rid of her like I asked you in the first place." "(INDISTINCT TAPE RECORDING)" "(WHISPERING) If I don't know where to go, I'll get there." "If I don't know where to go, I'll get there." "If I don't know..." "Ten seconds." "Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four..." "...saves you money!" "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "(APPLAUSE)" "Is this a good morning or what?" "GRANT: (LAUGHING) Well, with us today is Libby Cumba, author of this book." "(GRANT READING)" "Self-esteem for Parent and Child." "Good morning, Libby." "Good morning, Grant." "Good morning." "Now, Libby," "I'm concerned with self-esteem." "Personally, I've always had an odd preference for very, very young girls." "(STAMMERING)" "Uh, uh, being a total prick... ly pear, I, uh..." "Why don't we welcome this audience again, huh?" "Good morning!" "I make more of a mess than Ruby does." "You guys, we have to have a family meeting." "Something's happened." "Oh, no!" "They've discovered NutraSweet causes you to grow a third eye." "Oh, Jesus!" "Everything's gonna be fine." "Just wear a patch." "Working out a plan." "There's a surgeon in Paris who'll just remove it..." "Just don't panic." "It's not contagious." "Would you shut up?" "I just got fired." "(GASPS)" "Yeah." "Oh, my god." "What happened?" "SAMMY:" "You got fired?" "That just screws up my whole idea of good and evil and..." "It's not like I had a hysterectomy." "You know, I got fired." "I'll find something else, you know?" "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "You're hired!" "I need a part-timer." "You need a job." "That will be so cool!" "It's only like $5 an hour, but it's a pretty good opportunity." "Yeah, it's a dream come true." "It is!" "You know, Vick, I'm working out a plan." "Yeah?" "So what's the plan?" "I'm not gonna work at The Gap, for Christ's sake." "Okay?" "No." "I mean..." "Oh, no." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, how stupid of me to try to drag you down to my level." "Vickie, you..." "Don't do this, okay?" "Shut up." "Come on." "This is just..." "You know I didn't mean it." "Vickie!" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Burn, baby, burn" "Burn, baby, burn Disco inferno" "Burn, baby, burn Burn that mother down, y'all Burn, baby, burn" "You see, this is where Troy was fired from his 11 th job." "He was an illustrious office cleaner." "(LAUGHING) Now if you'll come this way, please, we will continue our short but happy walking tour of the career of Troy Dyer." "And here we have the newsstand, where Troy dared to ask the question," ""Are employee snacks subsidized?"" "The answer, tragically, "No."" "In total, he has been fired from, yes, count them, 12 jobs." "Twelve?" "Ouch." "So you shouldn't feel so bad." "One of these mornings I'm gonna wake up before noon... (LAUGHING) Yeah, right." "...I'm gonna turn on the TV, and there Bryant Gumbel will be, and he'll say," ""Today we have with us" ""the Pulitzer Prize-winning documentarian Lelaina Pierce." ""Lelaina, after your first film, Why Barbie is Bad," "(LAUGHING) "you seemed to have forgotten" ""all about your best friend, Troy Dyer."" "Troy who?" "What was that name again?" "Oh!" "Right through the heart." "I'll probably be working at the Whole Foods, you know, playing warehouses, hanging around places like the Radio Shack, screaming that I used to know you, and you'll be there in the lights, and you'll be all beautiful and shit." "Oh, Troy, no, no." "That'll never happen." "They would never hire you at Whole Foods." "(LAUGHING)" "You see, Laney, this is all we need, a couple of smokes, a cup of coffee" "and a little bit of conversation." "You and me and five bucks." "You got it." "You know what?" "Hmm?" "No, no." "No." "What?" "Troy, I can't." "I can't." "Why not?" "You never thought about it?" "Well, yes, of course I have, but I..." "But what?" "I can't not be friends with you, okay?" "I don't want that." "That's not what I'm talkin' about." "I'm talkin' about a..." "You know, evolving." "I just can't handle this right now." "I can't evolve right now." "Why not?" "Because of Michael?" "No!" "Yeah." "Yes, yes." "My parents got divorced when I was 14." "My dad, my dad, he remarried six months after the divorce." "VICKIE:" "That's quick." "How did everybody react?" "Um..." "My mom threatened to kill herself in front of me." "Patty got drunk in her closet every morning before junior high school." "And you?" "Well, I, um..." "Somebody had to remember to take out the trash, sign the report cards, buy the milk, so, um, that kind of ended up being me." "I don't want to get married, 'cause I see how my parents are, and they've been together like, um, 26 years, and they're like brother and sister at this point." "My mother goes to the bathroom with the door open." "That's "A." And "B," it's disgusting." "I don't want any part of that." "I want first kisses." "I want passion the whole way through." "It's better than havin' to kiss your husband's ass all the time." "Yeah." "I think that your documentary would be perfect for In Your Face." "Forget it." "You're probably thinking..." "No!" "More like, you know, PBS or something." "No!" "No." "I..." "You know what it is, though?" "It's that I..." "Boy, okay." "When I made this thing, I kind of made this promise to myself that I wasn't gonna think about where it was gonna end up, 'cause I didn't wanna unintentionally commercialize it." "I think that's great." "I think you should definitely not unintentionally do anything that you're not comfortable with." "I mean, not that I would intentionally..." "Well, plus, it's not done yet." "Right." "I know." "It was just a stupid..." "You know, I gotta go to New York on Wednesday for this huge network meeting thing, which is totally..." "God, you would hate it." "I hate it." "I just thought that they would freak out over your tapes, 'cause they never see anything that's really smart and has real, you know, quality and is good, like you and your work," "and I know I'm being selfish." "Michael?" "Um, that is literally, literally, the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me." "The sweetest thing that anyone's ever said to me." "So what are you doing for the rest of your morning?" "Well, um..." "What am I doing?" "What am I doing?" "Oh, well, I have a job interview." "Lelaina, this thing is from 1988." "I know." "So you're, like, six years late." "I thought the ad said that this was a job for a production assistant." "Yes, you will be assisting me in the production of videotapes, all right?" "You're gonna make copies for me." "Many copies." "Oh, is this like a..." "Like a pirate operation?" "Do I look like a pirate to you?" "Radio is all instinct, Lelaina." "Do you know where all radio comes from?" "The gut." "It's all in the gut." "'Cause when you think on your feet, gotta go from your gut, and my gut is telling me that, uh, this isn't gonna work out." "Maybe your gut's just saying you're hungry or..." "Oh, no, no, no." "It's telling me that, uh, you're overqualified for this job." "I'm really not that smart." "No offense, sweetie, but you don't have any experience on a newspaper." "You're TV." "I'm trying to make my transition to print journalism." "Ah." "Why?" "Well, newspapers are the last watchdogs of our government." "They enforce the checks and balances, and a half hour of TV only adds up to one..." "Okay." "All right." "Define "irony."" "Irony, uh..." "Irony." "It's a noun." "It's, uh, when something is ironic." "Well, I can't, uh, really define irony, but I know when I see it." "Hey." "Hey." "Oh, my God." "I've never been so glad to see anyone in my entire life." "This day has been the biggest nightmare." "These job interviews, Troy?" "The word "vivisection," a staggering understatement." "I mean, can you define "irony"?" "It's when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning." "Oh, my God." "Where were you when I needed you today?" "Uh, I should go." "Oh, come on." "Isn't there some statute of limitations for embarrassing incidents?" "Your bravado is embarrassing." "Hey, Troy." "Come on." "You can stay with me for one cigarette." "I know you can stay with me for one cigarette." "You and me?" "Five bucks?" "Good conversation?" "Right?" "Laney." "Troy, you haven't been home in four days." "Where have you been sleepin'?" "I gotta go." "(CLOCK TICKING) Mom, I need to talk to you about a loan." "Is it for drugs?" "No." "No, it's not for drugs." "I was..." "I lost my job." "But you shouldn't have any trouble findin' another job, sugar booger." "No, see, I tried." "I applied for every single opening in my field, but there's..." "There's nothing right now." "Mmm, well." "I hate to say it, but times are hard." "You're just gonna have to swallow your pride." "Why don't you get a job at Burgerama?" "They'll hire you." "My Lord, I saw on TV they had this little retarded boy workin' the cash register." "Because I'm not retarded, Mom." "I was valedictorian of my university." "Well, you don't have to put that down on your application." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Ms. Pierce, do you have any idea what it means to be a cashier at Wienerschnitzel?" "Yeah, it's taking orders and making change and, uh, taking..." "No." "It's a juggling act." "A juggling act." "You mean, like, metaphorically?" "No." "I mean you got people comin' at you from the front, comin' at you from the back, from the sides, people at the condiment exchange, people at the drive-thru, kids on bikes, and they're all depending on who?" "Me?" "Yeah." "You got time to lean, you got time to clean, buddy." "You gotta be 150% on your toes, 150% of the time." "There you go, sir, and have a 'tude, Wienerdude." "All righty." "Okay, I'm gonna throw a few numbers out at you." "You put 'em together in your head as quick as you can." "Okay." "85 and 45." "Go." "140." "Nope." "150." "Nope." "160." "It's not an auction." "Ms. Pierce, there's a reason I've been here six months." "For the entire summertime occurring in one day." "Then last night we had snow reports in Utah." "Today reports of I-70 shut due to the snowfall." "Now that very strong jet stream..." "Royalton Hotel." "Is this the Royalton Hotel?" "That's what I said." "Sorry." "I didn't hear you." "I'm looking for a guest there." "His name's Michael Grates?" "Hold one moment, please." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)" "OPERATOR:" "That guest is out." "Would you like to leave a message?" "Oh, no, that's okay." "I'll just try again later." "Thanks." "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hi, I'm Cheryl Goode, and welcome to Wedgie, The World of Hip Couture." "This week we're in South Central Los Angeles at the intersection of Florence and Normandie, the flash point of fashion." "The faddest gangsta trend will increase your piece." "This bandana by Donna Karan is blue for Crips, red for Bloods and only costs $75." "Ooh, hit me hoppin' in a lifelike limbo" "Lookin' out of a smudged-up window" "We're not sure where our lives are goin'" "Crazy sucker outside begins a slow leak" "Don't know where our next dollar's comin' from" "Livin' the life of a poor musician" "Hairline's gone so he keeps his nine-to-five Grubby, grubby... (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Laney, have you seen a pack of guitar strings?" "I have to bring them to the club." "I hope he knows that he still has to pay some rent around here." "I don't know where he thinks he's spending his nights, but..." "Do you know?" "I'm late for a jean-folding seminar." "Let's locomote." "Now you can call your own personal psychic anytime, 24 hours a day." "Thanks to the nationwide Psychic Discovery network, you can pick up the phone and talk directly with a professional psychic in the privacy of your own home." "I was unhappy in my career, and I needed a change, but I didn't know what to do." "I called the Psychic Discovery Network..." "Nothing is going down according to plan." "WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Mm-hmm." "I mean, my best friend?" "I feel like I've lost him forever, and he was, like, my touchstone, you know?" "WOMAN:" "This man, does his name start with the letter "N"?" "Because I'm getting a very strong "N" vibration." "Newsstand! "N," newsstand." "He used to work at a newsstand." "Uh-huh." "Oh, God, this is unbelievable." "Honey, that's not all I'm getting." "I mean, there are people I know from high school, who are already married and having babies." "(LAUGHING) I mean, babies, okay?" "I can't even take care of a Chia Pet." "Honey, I didn't have kids until I was on my third husband." "Oh, really?" "All Geminis." "You know what I think, Denell?" "I think you still really love Monte." "Yeah, you're probably right, but it don't matter now." "Oh, yes, it does, Denell." "I know you're afraid, but you gotta find him, and you've gotta tell him how you really feel." "Find him?" "I've got five..." "Lelaina, we need to talk to you." "Hold on, Denell." "Mmm." "Hold on." "I'm on the phone." "Yeah." "I can see that." "And we have a $406 phone bill, mainly due to some calls to a 1-900 number." "Lelaina, I'm sensing you're in some trouble." "We'd help you out, but we're broke, too, and we can't afford a new deposit if the phone gets shut off." "(WHISPERING)" "Maybe you could, uh, borrow the money from Michael." "Ohh, no, Sammy." "Jesus." "Laney, what are you doing?" "You lay on that couch all day." "Those pajamas are like a uniform." "You run up a $400 phone bill." "You watch TV." "You chain smoke." "You don't go outside." "Man, you are in the bell jar." "Look, this is my apartment." "I signed the lease." "I let you move in here when you had no job, no money, and you sponged off me for two months." "Yeah." "Sponged?" "And now Miss Big Power Monger goes, "I'm manager of The Gap."" "You think you can just come in here and push me around?" "She's not bein' pushy." "Sammy, what are you even doing here?" "You don't live here." "Hey, my little unemployed waif, you're the one who's lookin' for work now, okay?" "You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" "You're high." "Why don't you go take a walk outside and get some fresh air?" "You've been waiting for this since the day we met." "Who told you that?" "Your psychic partner?" "I'll tell you the problem with your generation." "You don't have any work ethic." "Take your friend, Troy, for example." "I went out of my way to set up an interview for him and he didn't even show up." "That wasn't his fault." "He asked me to call and cancel." "Everything was going on and it slipped my mind." "Yeah." "Mm-hmm." "I'm sorry." "But I have a work ethic, Dad." "Good." "Good." "Ask anyone." "All you got to do is show some ingenuity, hmm?" "Darlin', I love you and I hate to break your plate, but you gotta grow up sometime." "Now, I want you to go out there and show me some ingenuity." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Ow-w-w" "Let me talk with you, my baby" "It is fair to say that maybe" "It is time for you to say we need to share a point of view" "Livin' in the never never Droppin' out of it together" "I could spend some time forever with a girl like you" "Let me hear you say yeah Let's go" "Ooo-Ooo-Ooo-Ooo" "You want to turn it in Turn it into heaven, yeah" "Let's go Ooo-Ooo-Ooo-Ooo" "You want to turn it in Turn it into heaven" "Right here on earth (HORN HONKING, TIRES SCREECHING)" "Lookin' for tomorrow" "Can you see us one day" "Beg or steal or borrow" "We could live forever" "Never to say never" "You will be for me I will fight for you, yeah" "Let's go Ooo-Ooo-Ooo-Ooo" "You want to turn it in Turn it into heaven, yeah" "Well, that solves our first problem." "Rent's due this week." "(SIGHING)" "Well, well." "Look who finally decided to grace us with his..." "Presence." "This is, uh..." "This is, uh, Jean." "Janine." "Uh, Janine, Janine." "It was... (CHUCKLES) It was a little loud in the club." "Excuse me." "Can't stay here, Troy." "I'm just gonna pick something up." "Well, mission accomplished." "Now leave." "I think maybe I'm gonna wait..." "Always the mistress of etiquette, you know, Laney?" "Why are you suddenly acting like a jealous girlfriend?" "We're just trying to pay bills here." "So, Troy, if you got any money..." "Money?" "Oh, but what's money to an artist?" "To a philosopher?" "It's just, uh, green-colored paper that floats in and out of his life like snow." "It's nothing you actually have to, I don't know, work for, is it, Troy?" "Not if you have Daddy's little gas card." "You shut up!" "You shut up!" "I busted my ass to find a job." "You don't even show up for interviews." "What is it that you want from me?" "You want me to get a job on the line, until I'm granted leave with my gold-plated watch and my balls full of tumors, 'cause I surrendered the one thing that means shit to me?" "You can exhale, 'cause it's not gonna happen in this lifetime." "All right, fine." "You don't want to work?" "Fine." "Laney, goddamn it!" "Be in a goddamn band!" "Rehearse every day!" "Play three times a night!" "Don't just dick around the same coffeehouse for five years." "Don't dick around with her." "Or with me." "Try at something for once in your life." "Do something about it." "But you know what?" "You better do it now and better do it fast, because the world doesn't owe you any favors." "And whether you know it or not, you're on the inside track to Loserville, USA, just like him." "Okay, it's just too psychotic in here now." "Lelaina, let's go for a walk." "Fine." "SAMMY:" "Come on, man, let 'em go." "With pleasure, my friends, with pleasure." ""With pleasure." I really feel sorry for that poor girl." "How about when he sneaks his laundry in with ours?" "(STOMPS)" "I'm pullin' stuff out of the dryer and there's five pairs of his boxers I've washed." "I'll just throw it back in his face." "I'm gonna do his laundry." "Yeah!" "He's weird, he's strange, he's sloppy, he's a total nightmare for women." "I can't believe I haven't slept with him yet." "Do you ever wish you were a lesbian?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Don't you think it would be so much easier?" "Sometimes." "But, aah, I couldn't go through with it." "I'd start laughing or something." "It's such a shame." "I am so through with men." "If one more guy walks out on me, I don't even know what." "I swear." "What are you talking about?" "Walk out on you?" "You walk out on them." "I've seen you." "You're out the door before the condom comes off." "Listen to me, I'm just beating them to the punch." "Okay." "You don't even know." "I'm sitting here maybe..." "Probably dying of AIDS." "And I am totally alone." "Vickie." "You're not alone." "Hey." "Look, I'm sorry for everything I said." "And I'm sorry for being such a bitch, but I have to tell you you're not alone." "You're not." "And you're not dying of AIDS." "You don't understand." "Every day, all day, it's all that I think about, okay?" "Every time I sneeze, it's like I'm four sneezes away from the hospice." "It's not even happening to me." "It's like I'm watching it on Melrose Place." "And I'm the new character." "The HIV-AIDS character and I live in the building." "I teach everybody it's okay to be near me, it's okay to talk to me." "And then I die." "There's everybody at my funeral wearing halter tops and chokers or some shit like that." "(LAUGHING) Vickie, stop, okay?" "Just stop." "You're freaking out." "And you know what?" "You're gonna have to deal with the results." "We're gonna have to deal with them just like we've dealt with everything else." "This isn't like everything else." "I know that." "All right?" "But it's gonna be okay." "You know?" "I know it's gonna be okay." "Melrose Place is a really good show." "(LAUGHING)" "WOMAN OVER PA:" "Lelaina Pierce." "Is there a Lelaina Pierce here?" "Yeah." "(LAUGHING)" "Hello." "MICHAEL:" "Lelaina?" "(CHUCKLING) Hi!" "I had to call you right away." "Listen, don't kill me, okay?" "What?" "What?" "I took the tape and I showed it." "No!" "Wait, wait." "Listen." "They freaked out." "They want to buy them." "No." "Yes!" "They liked it?" "No, they like psychotically loved it." "They wanna pay you for it." "(LAUGHS)" "I know this isn't PBS, but is this okay?" "Yes!" "I was this close to selling fruit at intersections!" "Well, don't, all right?" "Just hang on." "I'm gonna get you some money." "I'm gonna be down there in a few days." "I'm thinkin' about you every second." "Hello?" "(INDISTINCT MALE VOICE)" "Hello!" "Hello, hello!" "Hello?" "Can you hear me now?" "Where are you?" "I'm in a phone booth." "Why are you on a cellular phone?" "I don't know." "I have no idea." "Michael, Michael, Michael!" "I really miss you!" "I really miss you, too." "I love you." "I..." "Oh, whoa!" "I mean, I mean, you amaze me!" "No, you amaze me!" "(INDISTINCT VOICE RETURNS)" "Hello, can you hear me?" "No, Michael, I'm losing you." "I'm gonna call you back." "Wait." "What?" "(CLICKING, DIAL TONE)" "Pay phone outside always amazes me." "Hey." "Try me." "I'm free." "(CHUCKLING) Good mag, good mag." "Negatory." "Yeah!" "(LELAINA SCREAMING)" "Do ya hear that?" "Negative!" "Here, let me see that." "SAMMY:" "Hey, hey!" "All righty." "Whoo!" "Thanks for coming." "A celebration zoom." "Let's get some ice cream." "Okay, enough." "Ma!" "I'm right here, son." "Ma." "Yeah?" "I have to tell you something." "(STAMMERING) I am a homosexual." "Oh, Christ." "Is there a support group I can join to come to terms with my own homophobia?" "Yes, there is." "A group which is named P-FLAG," "Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays." "Oh." "Oh." "P'flag." "I'm beginning to like the sound of that." "What you've just witnessed here is a pre-enactment of events that are about to take place." "Well..." "I came out to her." "She's still a little bit upset." "But you know, you know, the real reason that I've been celibate for so long isn't really because I'm that terrified of the big "A."" "But because I can't really start my life without being honest about who I am." "And..." "(CLICKING, TAPE FAST-FORWARDING)" "I wanna be in there, too." "I wanna feel miserable and happy and all of that." "I mean, I..." "I wanna..." "I wanna be let back in the house." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Hello?" "Oh, hi." "Um, sorry." "Just..." "Door was..." "So I just, uh..." "Yeah." "She's getting dressed." "I'll just..." "I don't know if she told you, I just came back from New York with the tapes that she made." "And the stuff with you, that's really great stuff." "That whole thing about, uh, nobody can eat all the eggs?" "That was..." "That was really..." "I was quoting Cool Hand Luke." "Yeah, that's okay." "I mean, that's..." "I know." "I mean, still, it's..." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "What happened to your normal clothes?" "Wow." "Where'd you get that dress?" "Oh, um, I don't know." "I just bought it." "But I think I'm gonna change..." "No, don't." "You look beautiful." "You look like..." "You look like..." "A doily." "I'm gonna change." "No, don't change." "And don't go thinkin' for yourself either, Laney." "What is your glitch, huh?" "My glitch?" "You know what?" "We're already late." "No, no." "Hang on a second here." "Ohh!" "Do you have a problem with me or something?" "'Cause if you do, let's get this out." "Seriously." "Is there like..." "I mean, have I like, uh, stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you?" "Excuse me, if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake." "Come on, this is..." "There's no secret handshake." "There's an IQ prerequisite, but no secret handshake." "I..." "This is..." "You, no..." "Come on." "You've got this whole thing with the world." "This is really..." "That's really wonderful." "This is really stupid." "But guess what?" "I'm a human being." "We're human beings, people." "You know?" "We're not like, uh, intelligence, uh, quotations, or whatever." "Just ignore him." "No!" "Done." "Come on, let's go." "You don't need this." "You don't know what she needs." "I think I know what she needs in a way that you never will." "Let's go." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Baby, tell me that my love ain't good" "I don't treat you right" "I don't do you like I should Listen, this guy back here, okay?" "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "So, ya ready?" "Um, what's it like?" "It's great." "It's great." "I haven't actually seen it yet, but we had our best guys workin' on it." "We just put some titles on, shaped it a little bit." "(CHUCKLES)" "It's gonna be great." "Okay." "Okay?" "Okay." "Bye." "(MUSIC ENDS)" "Okay, everybody." "It's a special night." "'Cause, as you know, we're entering a new phase here at the channel: real programming." "(APPLAUSE) And our first step is this remarkable piece by Lelaina." "(APPLAUSE)" "So hang on, 'cause this is gonna change the face of In Your Face." "(LAUGHTER) (CLICKING)" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "What's this?" "Uh, it's transitional stuff." "Ahh." "La la la La la la" "The story of my life" "We're finished!" "School's out" "Forever" "I am not under any orders to make the world a better place." "School's been blown And you wonder why we never got involved." "To pieces (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Love can make you weep" "I don't want to get married, because I see how my parents are." "My parents got divorced..." "My parents got divorced... when I was 14." "...when I was 5." "My mother actually goes to the bathroom with the door open." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I swore I'd never get married." "I want passion." "Let's talk about sex, baby" "It turns ya on." "(SCREAMING)" "Would you two just do it and get it over with?" "Oh, my God." "LELAINA:" "But the question remains, how can we repair all the damage we inherited?" "I was told there'd be no math on this exam." "Can I change my answer?" "The answer is simple." "We're on the road to nowhere" "Jesus." "The answer is..." "(DIGITAL SKIPPING) The-The-The-The answer is..." "Pizza!" "Pizza." "Pizza." "We're on the ride to nowhere Come take that ride" "Feeling okay this morning (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "I..." "It's, uh..." "It's, yeah, right." "We're on the road to paradise Here we go" "Lelaina." "Here we go" "(BELL RINGING)" "Lelaina, look, I'm sorry, all right?" "I didn't know." "That is not my work." "That's not what I did." "I know!" "I trusted you!" "I had no idea!" "I didn't see it!" "I guess it was a little slow and they cut it up a little..." "They cut up everything that meant anything to me!" "I don't even think you realize what you've done." "You don't get it." "What?" "I do get it!" "You have this great piece of work, and we have this audience, these kids." "It's like trying to feed them meat loaf and they don't want to eat it." "So you gotta give them, "Here comes the plane!" Meat loaf?" ""Open up the hangar!" But it's still meat loaf." "It was never meat loaf!" "That's a bad..." "I'm sorry." "They were just trying to market it." "I wish I could be perfect, okay?" "I wish I could be like Troy, riding on his melted cheese sandwich and everything..." "Don't bring Troy into this." "I wish I could live off of creeds and mottos and all that shit." "But I'm in the real world and I have ideals also." "(STAMMERING) They're that I... (SIGHS) I care about you and I want to make you happy..." "I just..." "Look." "I..." "I'll make them take the pizza thing out, okay?" "(SINGING) I'm just a bill" "Yes, I'm only a bill" "And I'm sittin' here on Capitol Hill" "Well, it's a long, long journey to... (DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)" "How'd the big premiere turn out?" "Fine." "(SIGHS)" "They're just videotapes, right?" "Who cares?" "It's..." "I worked so hard on them, you know?" "It's just, I worked so hard." "Ah, forget it." "I just sound pathetic." "No, you don't." "You don't sound pathetic." "(SIGHS)" "I know it sounds stupid, but it really meant something to me." "I know it wasn't gonna end world hunger or save the planet, but it just meant something to me." "(SIGHING)" "I just don't understand why things just can't go back to normal at the end of the half hour, like on The Brady Bunch, or something." "Well, 'cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS." "Things don't work out like that." "I was really gonna be something by the age of 23." "Honey, all you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself." "I don't know who that is anymore." "Well, I do." "(STAMMERING) And we all love her." "I love her." "Uh..." "She breaks my heart again and again, but, uh," "I love her." "(SIGHING, PANTING)" "I've wanted you like this for all these years." "So have I." "Hey." "Hi." "(CHUCKLES) Where are you going?" "I have rehearsal." "At 8:24 in the morning?" "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "So that's it?" "No." "No, that's not it." "I just..." "I, uh..." "I have to go." "(ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING)" "Got a pothead mama Got a cokehead dad" "I'm the ultramodern version The American man" "I don't feel good But I don't feel bad" "'Cause me, you see I'm nothin'" "I ain't left, I ain't right People say I'm wrong" "Before I was born Oh, I was all gone" "Don't even make sense that I wrote this song" "Tell me it's not true." "'Cause me, you see I'm nothin'" "I'm nothin'" "Nothin'" "That's me" "I'm nothin'" "Laney, (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship." "Thank you." "We'll be right back with a new American cheese snack idea." "Hey, Troy." "You got a phone call." "Lelaina!" "Hi." "Hi." "Don't say anything." "I screwed up, I know." "(GULPS)" "I should've protected you and your work and I didn't." "I'm so sorry that I didn't." "I wanna make this up to you." "You mean so much to me, Lelaina, and I just..." "Look, two tickets, all right?" "New York." "We go and we give them a presentation of the show the way you want it done." "Michael, I don't..." "I know, I know." "But this time's different." "Who's the boss?" "Huh?" "Tony Danza?" "I don't think so." "It's you." "It's your show." "And I just..." "(SIGHS)" "I just feel like maybe I deserve another shot here." "Well, hi, Lelaina." "Hi." "What, is there a frog in your throat, or are you just glad to see me?" "Hi, Mike." "Thanks for comin' down." "No hard feelings." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) (CROWD CHATTER)" "Lelaina, you're looking a little peaked." "Yeah." "Are you okay?" "VICKIE:" "She's fine." "She's just had too many Diet Cokes today." "Yeah, this girl is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs." "Heh!" "So are you gonna tell him or am I?" "(HUMMING SUSPENSEFUL TUNE)" "Could you excuse me?" "Could I talk to you?" "Hi." "You wanna tell me what the hell he's doin' here?" "I wanted to talk to you." "What the hell do you care?" "You totally bailed on me this morning." "I panicked." "It happens." "I thought we could, uh, work it out, you know?" "I don't know if now's the right time for us." "I meant everything that I said to you last night." "Don't look at me like that." "Don't look at me like that." "That's not what I'm saying." "I'm not saying I..." "Look." "You are the only woman that I could ever commit myself to." "So what?" "Do I get a medal?" "I win the big commitment cook-off and you just run away?" "I knew this was gonna happen!" "I don't..." "I don't wanna lose you." "I've never been in an experience like this before." "I've never had sex with somebody that I loved before." "God!" "Oh, well, congratulations, Troy Dyer." "Welcome to the world of the emotionally mature." "It's a nice place to visit." "Hey, you may run into Michael." "He lives here." "Yeah, right, Michael." "He lets you navigate that entire relationship." "Sorry, Lelaina, but you can't navigate me." "I might do mean things, hurt you, run away, and you might hate me forever." "I know that scares the shit out of you, because I'm the only real thing you have." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, that ain't real much." "One, two, three, four" "Hey, Troy, man, you're on." "No bed of roses" "Michael, I'm sorry." "No, listen, I'm sorry." "That's what this is all about." "This one's for you, Laney." "(STICKS CLICKING, DRUMROLLS)" "Why can't I get just one kiss" "Believe, some things that I wouldn't miss" "But I look at your pants and I need a kiss" "Why can't I get just one screw" "Believe me I'd know what to do" "But somethin' won't let me make love to you" "Why can't I get just one, huh" "(BAND CONTINUES PLAYING)" "Oh, nice job." "Very well done." "Yeah, I don't want to hear it from you." "Yeah, well, I forgot." "I'm not qualified to talk to you." "I'm sorry I can't be Mister, uh, "Hey, look at me," ""I'm Buddha on the mountaintop."" "You know what you remind me of?" "You're like that guy with the hat and the bells and the little, you know..." "The court jester." "Yeah, right." "Where everything's so easy to laugh at from a safe distance back in Clever-Cleverland." "You know what happens to him?" "They find his skull in a grave and they go, "Oh, I knew him and he was funny."" "And the guy, the court jester, dies all by himself." "Where'd you hear that?" "A Renaissance Festival?" "Besides, everyone dies all by himself." "If you really believe that, who you lookin' for out here?" "(ELECTRIC GUITAR STRUMMING SLOWLY)" "You say you want" "Diamonds and a ring of gold" "You say you want" "Your story to remain untold" "But all the promises we make" "From the cradle to the grave" "When all I want is you" "You say you'll give me" "A highway with no one on it" "Treasure just to look upon it" "All the riches in the night" "You say you'll give me" "Eyes on a moon of blindness" "A river in a time of dryness" "A harbor in the tempest" "But all the promises we make" "From the cradle to the grave" "When all I want is you" "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Hello?" "You-ou" "All I want is you-ou" "Hey, Laney." "This is Lance." "Hi." "Hi." "Um, I just need to know if he's okay." "Okay." "All I know is he went back to Chicago alone." "I'm not supposed to know that, am I?" "Shit." "(PANTING)" "Hi." "I was wondering if I could talk to you a minute before you go." "See, the thing is that, uh..." "Well..." "Uh, my dad died." "Oh, God, Troy, I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "No, it's..." "No, it..." "What happened was that, um," "I kind of got this arcane glimpse at the universe." "And the best thing I can say about that is, uh..." "(SIGHS) I don't know." "I have this planet of regret sitting on my shoulders." "You have no idea how much I wish that I could go back to that morning after we made love and do everything different." "But I know that I can't, so..." "I thought that I would come here and tell you somethin'." "And what I wanted to tell you was that I love you." "And, uh, I just wanted to make sure that that was clear, so that there wasn't any confusion." "Um, so, anyway, uh," "where are you going?" "I was gonna look for you." "What for?" "Just wanted to see if you were okay." "Well, I had a shitty week." "Well, Frog went a-courtin' and he did ride" "With a sword and a pistol by his side" "Uh-huh (HUMMING)" "Well, he rode right up to Miss Mousey's door" "Uh-huh (RINGING)" "TROY: (ON ANSWERING MACHINE) At the beep, please leave your name, number, and a brief justification for the ontological necessity of man's existential dilemma." "We'll get back to you." "(MACHINE BEEPS) Lelaina, this is your dad." "Give me a call when you get this." "I need you to explain something." "I just got a $900 bill on my gas card." "(LELAINA LAUGHING) (DRUMS)" "If we should fall, love will catch us every time" "I hear you call I will run" "And if the magic of the adventure overcomes" "We won't cry, because it could be fun" "What I'm tryin' to do is constantly find those people, find out what makes them the best, and bring that..." "I've been getting a razzing for being bald and I'm a young man." "No more dates without being called old man, but..." "Roy, why are you doing this to me?" "I know we can be happy together." "You'll chill in time." "Right now I need someone who understands what my music and the band mean to me." "But it's just music, Roy." "I'm a human being with deep feelings who feels things deeply." "Music is feeling, babe." "The band may be a small dream, but it's the only one I've got." "I'm Audi 5000." "Till I'm going, going, gone Please, don't let him get drunk and drive." "Won't be very long" "Till I'm going, going, gone" "(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)" "You say" "I only hear what I want to" "You say" "I talk so all the time" "So" "And I thought what I felt was simple" "And I thought that I don't belong" "And now that I am leaving" "Now I know that I did something wrong" "'Cause I missed you" "Yeah, yeah" "I missed you" "And you say" "I only hear what I want to I don't listen hard" "Don't pay attention to the distance that you're running" "To anyone, anywhere I don't understand if you really care" "I'm only hearing' negative No, no, no, no" "So I turn the radio on I turn the radio up" "And this woman was singin' my song" "Lovers in love and the others run away" "Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay" "Some of us hover while we weep for the other" "Who was dyin' since the day they were born" "Well, well, this is not that I think that I'm throwin'" "But I'm thrown" "And I thought I'd live forever But now I'm not so sure" "You try to tell me that I'm clever" "That won't take me anyhow or anywhere with you" "You said that I was naive and I thought that I was strong" "Oh, I thought Hey, I can leave, I can leave" "Oh, but now I know that I was wrong" "'Cause I missed you" "Yeah-ah, I miss you" "He said you caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go" "You try to give away a keeper or keep me 'cause you know" "You're just so scared to lose" "And you say" "Stay" "And you say" "I only hear what I want to" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Ooh, my little pretty one My pretty one" "When you gonna give me some time, Sharona" "Ooh, you make my motor run My motor run" "Gun it comin' off of the line, Sharona" "Never gonna stop, give it up Such a dirty mind" "I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind" "My, my, my-y-y Whoo" "M-M-M-My Sharona" "Ooo-Ooo-Ooo" "Ohh, my Sharona"