"Hey, guys." "Bills." "All bills." "Bills." "Bill..." "A subscription form for High Times magazine?" "You've been here two days, Dad." "How do they find you?" "It's a cosmic thing." "My dad tell you I put him on one of my work crews?" "Yeah, I think that's great." "Yeah, but I'm just gonna do it until I get enough bread to get my van fixed." "What do you have to do to your van?" "Just the usual maintenance." "You know, rewire the black light, update the mural, shampoo the carpet on the ceiling." "I don't wanna sound like a gear head, Dad, but maybe you can get a van where all four tires are the same size." "Hey, look at this." "Report card time." "The Brooks kids, let's see how they did." "Louise Brooks." "Straight A's, that's my girl." "Until a blood test proves otherwise." "You check that out." "Tommy Brooks." "A, B+, A, C-." "C- in P. E?" "How do you get a C- in gym class?" "You wear your church shoes on the wood floor?" "Did you check his backpack for drugs?" "Tommy doesn't have drugs in his backpack, all right, Dad?" "Where do you suppose he would keep them?" "I don't understand this." "Tommy's my son." "He's a Brooks." "We come from a long line of athletes." "Starting with my generation, of course, you know." "I mean, I played football, I wrestled, I ran track, not to mention I had a tryout with the Dodgers." "Hey, it's 3:00." "Time for Gary to mention his tryout with the Dodgers." " There you go." "All set." " Thanks." "Feels good." "How's it look?" "It's the way you like it," "Rickles in the front, Kenny G in the back." "I gotta go." "My friend's picking me up." "Your friend?" "You seeing somebody new?" "Yeah, but don't even bother asking her about the guy." "She won't give any information whatsoever." "But I know he's not in my ballpark." "Because my ballpark is Dodger Stadium, where I had a tryout, incidentally." "Come on, just tell us..." "Where's he from?" "He was born in Canada." "Look at me, eh." "I'm Canada." "My bacon's round." "It's really ham, but we call it bacon, eh." "And he was a professional athlete." "Look at me, eh." "This is what I'm about." "I play..." "Whoa, whoa." "Time-out." "You're dating a professional athlete?" "What sport?" "Give me a hint." "He's gay?" "He's a basketball player." "Goodbye, Jack." "Bye." "She's dating a gay Canadian basketball player?" "You know, I got no recollection of you ever trying out for the Dodgers." "That's probably because that was the year you decided to try to find Bigfoot." "No, that was the year the son of a bitch made it personal." "Louise, honey, do you know where the flyswatter is?" "No." "And, Mom, a fly is a living, breathing creature." "Well, yeah." "I know." "That's why I need a flyswatter." "If it was dead, I'd just need a tissue." " I got it." " Hey, Louise." "You ready to go?" "It's either that or stay here and witness a murder." "Louise, do you have any idea how many flies die on my windshield every time I drive you to the recycling center?" "It's a classic Hobson's choice, Dad." "That's how we're gonna handle this?" "I say something clever, and then you say something I don't understand?" "Why don't you go wait in the car, smarty?" " Where's Tom?" " He's with Walter." "He'll be back in a..." "This fly is driving me crazy." "I can't get it." "Why don't you do what you usually do?" "Stop acknowledging it, don't let it touch you, and then just chip away at its soul until it loses the will to live." "Hey, so, did you see Tommy's report card?" "I know." "I have." "I am so proud of him for bringing up that science grade." "Thank you for not helping him as much this semester." "Very good." "He did great in everything except gym class." "I mean, how do you get a C- in P. E?" "I knew a kid when I was in high school that smoked in gym class, he got a B+." "I know, it's unacceptable." "But frankly, I mean, Gary, of all of his classes," "P.E. Is the least of my worries." "Wait." "Whoa, whoa." "Okay." "All right." "Hey." "Hey, guys." "How was your hike?" " Fabulous." " Yeah?" "Wait." "Time-out." "You guys went on a hike?" "Yeah." "I've been taking Tommy on urban nature hikes around the neighborhood lately." "That must be fascinating." "I bet if you get up real early and if you're real quiet, you can sneak up on the elusive man who leaves pizza coupons on doorknobs." "Actually, it was sort of cool." "Dr. K knows all kinds of stuff." "Did you know that there are places all over the neighborhood where you can find edible plants and animals?" "Yeah." "They're called restaurants and salad bars." " Am I right?" "Right?" " Yeah, I guess." "But, you know, you can also get nutrients from the pine needles and acorns." "But good joke about the salad bar." "Yeah." "Salad bars." "All right, don't pity me." "Go wait in the car." " Thanks, Dr. K." " I enjoyed it, too, Tom." "I should get going." "Having a new phone put in." "That must be exciting." "Maybe they can let you keep your original number, 1." "Another jab at my age." "Tell me, Gary, when you enrolled in college, what did the operator standing by say to you?" "Now I know why Tommy's getting a C- in gym." " It's 'cause of Krandall." " What are you talking about?" "Think about it." "When he's at my house, he's with me." "Two guys hanging out, right?" "But when he comes here, he's with three women," "Louise, you and Krandall." "Are you implying that Walter is an inadequate male role model?" "No, I'm implying that Walter is an inadequate male." "Yeah, well, he is enough of a man to keep a big smile on my face." "Okay, that's disgusting." "And during sex, he never once said," ""Hey, do you mind keeping this going on your own while I go grab a beer?"" "You know, in all fairness, when I came back, you had lost interest in yourself." "I have carpal tunnel, you know that." "Look, whatever you think of him, Gary, he is great with Tom." " He's great with Tom?" " Yeah." "What are you talking about?" "There's a 14-year-old boy roaming the neighborhoods eating weeds out of people's yards." " Did you get it?" " Of course I got it." "Using skills I honed in gym class, okay?" "Yeah." "They taught you how to catch flies?" "No, but they taught us hand-eye coordination, dexterity and..." "Look, here's the bottom line." "When I have Tom, I have to put a little more manfluence in his life" " and strip away all that Kranfluence." " Okay." " Give me the flyswatter." "All right." " Okay." "There you go, buddy." "Have at it." "What are you doing?" "That was fun, Tommy." "How you doing?" "I'm beat." "Three hours of running and jumping and catching Frisbees..." "Don't take this wrong, Dad, but you might need a puppy." "You know, we learned a very valuable lesson today, Son." "You can go to the park, you can play football, baseball, you can shoot hoops, play soccer, but as soon as a man and his son start wrestling in the grass, people call the cops." "I think we wandered into the wrong section of the park." "I got something really manly planned for us tomorrow." "What, more manly than getting my head squeezed in a leg-scissor hold?" "I told you if that happened, just scream out for help if it was bothering you." "Yeah, I couldn't hear you, Dad." "Your thighs were pressed against my ears." "Look, tomorrow, paintball." "Come on, we're gonna do it." "It'll be great." "It'll be me, you, Grandpa Jack and Dennis." "And you can bring a friend if you want, okay, handsome?" "Yeah, I don't know, Dad." "Can't we just go for a hike?" "I mean, it's wildflower season." "Look, I need to talk to you about your grades a little." "I mean, you did really good, but a C- in gym?" "That's not cool." "I mean, we're Brooks men." "We have a rep to protect, right?" "Yeah, I know, I just keep forgetting my gym bag." "It's no big deal." "All right, well, you know you can talk to me if you need to talk about anything, right?" " Yeah, of course." " All right." " Anything you want to talk about?" " No." "You sure?" "I mean, I can really help you." "School, girls, gym class." "I'm an expert in everything." "Except school and girls." "Dad, there is nothing that I need to talk about, okay?" " I'm gonna hit the showers." " Okay, I love you." "You know, I used to love gym when I was in school." "That was my favorite class." "It was just fun." "It was just a break in the day where you could just run wild, run all you want, shoot some hoops, tackle each other." "The best was talking smack in the locker room afterwards." "That was always fun, you know?" "Hey, Tommy." "Heads up!" "Oh, no!" " Tommy." "Are you okay?" " No, I'm not okay!" "What the hell was that for?" "Yeah, that's right, Dad!" "I said "hell!"" " Son, I'm so sorry." "I didn't mean it." " You didn't mean to what?" "Deliberately roll up a towel, wait till I got my pants off and then crack me in the nards?" " Tommy, I said, "Heads up!"" " Yeah, and then I turned around!" "But "heads up" doesn't mean "turn around."" ""Heads up" means, like, "duck." Everyone knows that!" " Yeah, well, I beg to differ!" " Okay." "Hey, Allison." "Paintball starts in an hour." "Where's Private Tom?" "Private Tom is icing his privates, Gary." "Snapping him with a towel?" "Really?" "I mean, what are you gonna do next?" "Put bars of soap in a pillow case and beat him in his bunk, huh?" "All right." "Look, I feel bad enough about this without you piling on." "It was just a little locker room horseplay, and he turned into a heads up." "That's all." "So, you're saying this is his fault?" "His testes just jumped in the path of your towel?" "Well, kind of, yeah." "I mean, everyone knows that "heads up" means you turn away." "You don't turn into a heads up." "It means a ball, a puck or a towel is coming your way." "Okay, Gary, I was kind of hoping we were raising a gentleman, okay?" "Not Pluto from Animal House." " Bluto." " Whatever." "No, that is important." "It's Bluto!" "That's the kind of stuff he's not learning over here or on his nature walks with Crocodile Krandall." "Yeah." "Well, you know what, Gary?" "It's a good thing Walter was here, because Tom got home, he was so embarrassed, he didn't want to talk to me, he wanted to talk to another man." "Whoa, wait." "Whoa, time-out." "My son's talking to Krandall about this stuff?" "Why isn't he talking to me?" "I mean, I'm his father." "I'm the man." "Yeah, well, thanks to the man, right now, Tom is upstairs with a bag of frozen peas on his scrotum." "Tom, your dad's here!" "Bring down that bag of peas." "I'm making potpie!" " Hi." " Hi." "How are the fellas?" "Hurt, angry and a little less trusting than they were before." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry, Son." "But way to man-up and play hurt today, okay?" "Did you get a friend to play with us?" "Hello, Gary." " What are you doing, Krandall?" " Tom invited me to join you." "No." "No, Tommy, I said that you should probably bring a friend, right?" "Well, Dr. K is my friend." "No, I meant like a school friend, like Brian or Glen, not a friend that needs a chair in the shower." "Dad, Dr. K knows everything about war and historic battles." "But this is paintball." "You have a flag that you defend and you go and try to get the other guy's flag." "You don't have to know about battles." "Hey, Dr. K, someone sounds like the French at the Battle of Agincourt." "So, Tom, what do you want for St. Crispin's Day?" "I'll tell you what I don't want, heavy French armor in the mud." "Get in the car." "All right, come on." "Let's go!" "Get him in here!" "Drag him in here, you guys!" "Come on, hurry up." "Hurry up!" "We got a few minutes while they reload, and then they're gonna come at us with everything they got, all right?" "Okay, we got bookoo bad guys up in the tree line!" "Dad, would you stop talking like that?" "You're freaking everybody out!" " Dennis is in bad shape, Dad." " Come on, Dennis." "Get up." " I'm in pain." " Of course you are." "You ate three breakfast sandwiches at a gas station." "What do you expect?" "If something bursts out of my stomach, kill it." "Tommy, what's going on with you?" "You're our point man." "You're supposed to be up there shooting bad guys." "You haven't pulled the trigger once." "Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to get a feel for my gun." "Well, you gotta get a feel for it and quick, okay?" "So why don't you shoot Dennis?" "Great." "This is just like a war movie." "Ethnic guy always dies first." "Gary, if Tom truly is a pacifist, perhaps intimidation isn't the best motivator." "You wanna take over here, Krandall?" "You wanna be responsible for four souls out there walking the wire?" " Is that what you want?" " Actually, I'd be happy..." "Yeah, I didn't think so." "Look, Dad, Dennis, Tom, you guys form a perimeter and meet back here at 03..." "Thirty..." "Wait." "Thirty. 03..." "Screw it. 3:30." "Come back here at 3:30." "We better didi before they flank us or we're gonna end up in a world of hurt!" "Dad, stop talking like you were in Vietnam." "You've never been there." "All through the '60s, all you did was manage the freak-out tents at Grateful Dead shows." "I remember you." "Man, that's good." "Okay." "Let's get out there and hustle." "Tommy, you cover Dennis' rear." "Would you guys knock it off?" "Come on." "Get out there." "Let's go." "Set a perimeter up." "Remember the Altamont!" "I noticed you didn't give me an assignment." "Yeah, I thought it'd be good if you just stayed back here with me, Krandall." "Can you hand me my gun, Gary?" "I'm afraid I can't do that, Walter." "You don't wanna do this, Gary." "What can you possibly gain by shooting me?" "Well, for one thing, you'd be out of the game and I'd have some private time with my son." "I'm not standing between you and Tom." "Yeah?" "Then why does he keep coming to you for advice?" "It's normal for teens to confide in someone other than their parents." " All right." "But what is he telling you?" " I'm afraid that's confidential." "That's the wrong answer." "Don't shoot me, Gary." "Why not?" "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't!" "Because at this close range, you'd leave a doozy of a bruise, and the guys at the lap pool can be very cruel." "Get down, Gary." "Duck!" "Oh, my gosh!" "They're coming from everywhere!" " Give me my gun!" "It's our only hope!" " No, I don't trust you!" " You can't afford not to." " All right, then." "I'm serious about Tom, Krandall!" "You stay away from him." " I'm his hero, you hear me?" " You don't get it, do you?" " Get what?" " You are his hero!" "You're so much his hero, he doesn't think he'd be able to live up to you." "Why would I think that?" "He could never let me down!" "Look at you, Gary." "You're a tough-guy athlete who lettered in four sports, not to mention your legendary tryout at the Dodgers." "That's why he's tanking gym class." "It's less painful for him not to try rather than risk disappointing you." "He could never disappoint me." "Have you told him that?" "Some things a son needs to hear from his father." "Here they come!" "All right, all right!" "All right, bring it in!" "They got us covered from every angle." "I don't know what we're gonna do." "All right." "Hey, wait." "Wait a minute." "Where's my dad?" "I saw him at the lookout tower." "He said he's gonna smoke out the enemy." "But he said he only had enough for himself, whatever that means." "All right." "All right, guys." "Look, let's call it a day." "Let's surrender." "I don't want anybody getting hurt, okay?" "Surrender?" "I didn't come all the way out here to get whacked by six floor managers from Scooter's Auto Sound." " Tom, we have..." " I'll see you in hell!" "Yeah, that's right, Dad." "I said "hell" again." "Who's with me?" "What the heck got into him?" "Probably a combination of gangster rap, video games and that yard-Iong pixie stick he inhaled at the gas station." " Probably..." " Gary, look out!" "What did you do that for, you crazy son of a bitch?" "Tom needs his dad." "In fact, it's all he ever talks about." "When we go for walks around the..." "The..." "The..." "Krandall, stay with me." "Cul-de-sac, I couldn't think of the word." "The point is, whenever we're together, all he ever talks about is how much he looks up to you." "Thank you, Walter." "Thank you." " I guess this is the end for me." " Yeah." "I guess so, Krandall." "So, I'll see you back at the snack room?" "Yeah." "Grab me a cheeseburger, would you?" "Yeah." "I'm already dead, for God's sake!" "Here we go, guys." "Ice-cold root beer for the victorious warrior." " And one for Gary." " All right." "But I'm riding this guy's coattails, you know." "I mean, he captured the flag, but I was on his team, so I'm kind of making believe I captured the flag, too." "Okay, by that same logic, because of my boyfriend, I would have three NBA championship rings." "Wait a minute." "That's another clue." "Okay, born in Canada, three championship rings..." "You're..." "Oh, my..." "You're dating Rick Fox?" "I think I said too much." "You really dating Rick Fox?" "No, I'm not dating anybody." "I just like messing with Gary." "So, Vanessa's dating an ex-Laker?" "That is so cool." "Yeah, unless you're the guy that used to date her." "I mean, who can live up to that?" "Yeah, but, Dad, you're practically a pro player yourself." "I mean, you tried out for the Dodgers." "Tommy, I probably left out a few details about that, you know?" "The tryout was an invitation in the newspaper." "They said the first 1,500 people that could get to the park could try out for the Dodgers and me and my cousin got there, and that was it." "My entire tryout was two pitches." "So that was your big Dodger tryout?" "Yeah, I just kind of exaggerated over the years." "I was just a guy that was pretty good at high school sports, which is nothing to brag about, which is exactly why I bragged about it constantly." "Look, your paintball story is already epic compared to my entire sports career." " You really think so?" " Yeah." "Hey." "I'm living in your shadow now, buddy, okay?" "Okay." "Thanks, Dad." "So, what'd you do with those two pitches?" "Well, the first one I whiffed." "The second one, I popped it out to the left fielder." " Wow." " Yeah, he caught it with his bare hand." "But, hey, at least you hit a ball all the way to the outfield at Dodger Stadium." "No." "No, I didn't say I hit the ball to left field," "I said I hit the ball to the left fielder." "He was coming out of the dugout, adjusting his hat." "And he just reached out, and it kind of just fell in his bare hand." "But, hey, at least you hit a ball all the way to the dugout at Dodger Stadium." " You know I did, right?" " Yeah." "Took this one near the end of the battle when I was unwrapping a stick of gum." "That's nothing." "I took this one coming out of the men's room." " That's your own paint, isn't it?" " Yeah." "I just had to get out of that hellhole." "I didn't like what it was doing to me." "You know, I kept wasting guys and I didn't feel a thing." "Whoa." "I feel weird." "Maybe you're hungry." "Have you eaten anything since the breakfast sandwich incident?" "Yeah, I had a couple brownies out of Jack's backpack." "Oh, boy." "Okay, give me some room here." "Okay, little brother, you're safe and warm on a planet that loves you." "Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya" "Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya" "Help me out." " Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya" " Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya" "Hey, what's going on over here?" "Dennis got into my brownies." "Someone's high, my Lord" " Kumbaya" " Kumbaya" " Someone's high, my Lord" " Someone's high, my Lord" "It feels good to wash all this paint off, Tommy!" "All right, I'm all done!" "The shower's all yours, Son!" "Hey, Dad, heads up!" "Dad, I'm sorry!" "I didn't think you'd turn into it!" "I mean, I said "heads up."" "Tommy." "I'm so proud of you!" " Thanks, Dad." " Go get me a bag of frozen peas!" "A very large bag of frozen peas!"