"Back a few months ago," "I was headlinin' a great big nightclub, and they put me up a couple days early." "I came in a couple days early, and they put me up in what they call the "Star Suite."" "Now here I am, headlining' in one of the biggest nightclubs in the country, and I wake up at 8:00 in the morning in this "Star Suite"" "all by myself." "Aw!" "Yeah, that's what I said, "Aw."" "But I did what I've always done, man, to cheer myself up," "I picked up my guitar," "I sat down, and I wrote me a little song." "Now this is how it feels to be alone at the top of the hill, tryin' to figure out why." "♪ oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪" "♪ when you're perfect in every way ♪" "♪ I can't wait to look in the mirror ♪" "♪ 'cause I get better-lookin' each day ♪" "♪ to know me is to love me ♪" "♪ I must be a hell of a man ♪" "♪ oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪" "♪ but I'm doin' the best that I can ♪" "♪ I used to have a girlfriend ♪" "♪ but I guess she just couldn't compete ♪" "♪ with all these love-starved women ♪" "_" "♪ well, I prob'ly could find me another ♪" "♪ but I guess they're all in awe of me ♪" "♪ who cares I never get lonesome ♪" "♪ 'cause I treasure my own company ♪" "♪ oh ♪" "♪ Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪" "♪ when you're perfect in every way ♪" "Can't wait to look in the mirror." "♪ I can't wait to look in the mirror ♪" "Help me out now, come on." "♪ I get better lookin' each day ♪" "To know me is to what?" "♪ to know me is to love me ♪" "Must be a hell of a man." "_" "Oh, Lord, it's hard." "♪ oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪" "Oh, yeah, Emmit!" "Oh, yeah!" "Nail me, Emmit, harder." "Yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, Emmit!" "Oh, yeah!" "Don't stop!" "Oh, Emmit!" "On the sofa, I thought, unless you're attached to a more classic bed narrative." "Non-descript, though, you know, the furnishings, so they can't tie it to us." "That's..." "I think you solved it." "We can keep you in a shirt, hiding your difference." "Maybe in a cowgirl, or a doggy scenario, favoring our rears, in other words, keeping our faces slightly absurd." ""Obscured."" "What did I say?" "I'm glad we're doing this, babe." "Taking control." "This whole time, we've been playing to draw." "It's time we start playing to win." "I know, but blackmail..." "We lost the high roller, babe." "Zip." "Gone." "I know, and I'm so sorry." "It's not your fault." "A day like you had," "I would have stopped for a sidecar, too." "I just lost track..." "I know." "This thing with your brother has got us both upset." "To deprive a man of his career, endanger his female..." "I panicked." "You're too hard on yourself." "You rallied, didn't you, in the end?" "You're here." "We're together." "Maybe I can call the guy, the high roller," " and say..." " What?" "Really?" "'Cause you lost your job at the parole board on account of banging your clients?" "No, because I fell in love." "That's sweet." "You're sweet." "Hon." "Where did you go?" "I..." "Jesus!" "I just love you so much." "No." "For Pete's sake, I'm wearing a hooker wig!" " Just hold on." " Sorry." "No, just..." "That's got to be bad luck." "Okay." "Now, go." "Babe, you're my everything." "I want we should spend the rest of our lives together." "You gotta ask." "Oh." "Right." "Nikki Swango, will you marry me?" "Yes, Raymond Stussy, I will marry you." "Come here." "You've made me the happiest woman ever." "Now, let's make a sex tape." "Hey, hon." "You..." "Stella?" "What is it, honey?" "I'll..." "No!" "Now, hold on!" "Don't make a scene, Daddy." "Yeah, Mr. Stussy." "I saw the tape." "It's disgusting." "I didn't..." "Baby!" "Baby, I didn't..." "I wouldn't!" "Swear to Christ!" "Stella..." "Ma says to tell you, "Don't call."" "Stella!" "Nail me, Emmit, harder." "Yeah!" "Oh!" "Emmit, Emmit, nail me, Emmit!" "What the goddamn hell?" "You have a fat wife." "Excuse me?" "Which part of what I just said is giving you trouble?" "This is my office." "A fat woman is inherently untrustworthy as she is a sensualist who sees no real difference between a pastrami sandwich and a dick in the mouth." "There's no call for that kind of language." "No." "A female Jew is especially vulnerable to the zaftig seduction of the forbidden, being part animal." "What are you doing?" "Do you know what a chicken is?" " What?" " A chicken." "Do you know what a chicken is?" "A chicken is an egg's way of making another egg." "You see, it's all a matter of perspective." "The chicken sees it one way, the egg another, so let's start again." "This is not your office, just as your wife would not be your wife if I came to her in the night with a platter of cold cuts." "Sit down, my friend." "You have shock." "All is well." "I'm just..." "I'm not..." "I need a minute." "No problem, no problem." "Have a drink, you'll feel better." "No." "Are you out of your mind?" "Nice drink, refreshing." "Are you threatening me?" "No, no, no, the whole thing." "Yuri tells me you spoke to the police yesterday." "You can ask her, she came to me." "Not about anything, but there was a..." "One of our cars was..." "Some kind of accident." "A fender bender." "So, you know, unconnected to this completely." "You may have, during the course of the day, a strong impulse to act." "It's perfectly normal, a man of your station being forced to play the cuckold." "But remember, it's all a matter of perspective." "What's happening here is good." "You and I are partners now." "Contracts have been signed by the majordomo himself." "So, you see, lives are changing for the better." "And all you have to do is review the accounts, write up the deals, and approve the paperwork." "Do you understand?" "Yuri will show you to your new office." "Don't forget your mug." "_" "Emmit?" "It's worse than we thought." "What we talked about." "The thing..." "Are you..." "Did they hurt you?" "To get you to sign, I'm saying." "Did they..." "You..." "Emmit?" "Emmit?" "Mrs. Goldfarb." "You must be Sy." "I am so glad we finally get to meet." "I've been pinching Buck's ear every time I see him." "Yes, yes, he told me." "And I must admit, I'm curious." "Are you all right?" "Uh..." "Of course, I just..." "I had an upsetting experience this morning." "To be honest," "I feel as if I've left the known world." "You ever had that feeling?" "Like you, uh, stepped off the map into the, well, unknown, I guess?" "That's how I felt when my Torvald died." "My husband made his first million in mortuaries." ""Everybody dies, Ruby," he told me," ""You can't just leave them on the sofa."" "One night, he was eating a three-pound lobster and he had a stroke, and with it, a revelation." "Self-storage, that was the future." "The two businesses are surprisingly similar when you think about it, a place to put the things you'll never use again." "He died last year." "Complications from polio." "For six months, I wore black and tore my sleeves." "And then, I had a revelation of my own." "Parking lots." "The final piece to the storage triptych." "People are always going to need a place to park." "Amen." "I'll be honest with you, Mr. Feltz." "At my age, I'm not looking for a partner." "My preference would be to acquire the entire company, Stussy Lots Ltd., and I would be happy to let you keep the name intact if that worries you." "A second choice would be to buy several lots independently and build the business that way, but let's be honest." "That would make me your competitor, and, as my late husband always used to say," ""You don't want a Goldfarb for an enemy."" " I'm sure that's true." " Mmm." "It's interesting that you should come to us now." "Problems?" "No, not problems." "More of a softening of the will." "You see, Emmit Stussy, whom you'll meet, is a great man, a philanthropist, a leader, and, of late, he's been talking with increased regularity about dedicating himself in total to his good works," "i.e., the betterment of mankind." "Now, I suggested he take a step back and allow me to run the day-to-day, but he seems adamant that we stick together." "Pre-schools in Mumbai, health clinics in Inner Mongolia, better access to veterinary care." "And after all, how much money does one man need?" "A lot, actually." "Women, more so." "And you'd be okay with that, selling a business that you worked so hard to build?" "I'm sorry." "There's... _" "I forgot a very important..." "We're closing on a new line of credit, and my girl got my calendar confused." "You go ahead." "Play hard to get." "No, no, no, that's not..." "Easy to get." "Really." "I mean, at the right price." "But we should talk more." "Call my private line." "The office isn't safe." "I mean, the lines are down." "Hello?" "Emmit!" "Emmit!" "Hello?" "Emmit?" "She left." "Did you sign partnership papers?" "Did you make Varga a partner in our firm?" "I didn't think it was possible." "The evil of this man." "My brother." "My brother." "He's in my office." "He put his Schwanz in the mug Esther gave me." "I had to throw it away." "You said you were gonna fix this." "You swore he'd go away." "Oh, enough about your stupid brother!" "We're in trouble here!" "This is a..." "Enemies are at the gates!" "Inside the gates!" "Fornicating with our cookware!" "What is the point of you?" "What?" "The point." "What is the point of you?" "You're supposed to be a fixer." "Nothing's fixed." "Everything's broken." "They sent my wife a sex tape." "Why would your wife wanna watch your brother have sex?" "Not him, dummy, me!" "Ray, in a wig, pretending to..." "He shaved his mustache!" "He and that... whore." "And you were supposed to stop them!" "Don't come here moaning about, "We're in trouble."" "Who was the one who found Ermentraub, the go-between which led to Varga?" "Where was the diligence, the due diligence?" "You said..." "I wanted to go deeper, but you said..." ""Enemies at the gates," who let them in?" "I never." "You need to unchain me." "If I was free, my hands, I could..." "Your brother wouldn't bother us again." "It's the Delilah." "This floozy is pushing him, putting ideas in his head." "And now, they think, my family, that I'm some kind of..." "When all I ever did was..." "And there's..." "Look at me, there's good inside, a good person." "Of course there is." "Think of the children, the lives you help." "I'm not some kind of weakling that can't control his..." "Twenty-five years, and never once did I look at a woman sideways." "Sit-down meetings with the doors open, professional always." "You're a model, a role model." "I look up to you." "Everyone I know." "You've gotta fix this." "Whatever it takes." "Shackles off?" "And throw away the key." "I met with the widow Goldfarb..." "Not..." "Okay." "I can't..." "So, nope, say it again?" "I'm saying Maurice, the fellow with his head caved in, it wasn't a random robbery." "He was hired by another fellow to rob somebody." "His brother." "Maurice's brother?" "No, the brother of the fella that hired Maurice, both named Stussy." " Like your stepdad." " Exactly." "Probably gave Maurice an address for the brother, except he lost it." "Or forgot it, at which point," "Maurice makes the wrong choice." "Drives to the wrong town, takes a name out of the phone book." "Also Stussy." "And you know what happens next." "New chief's not gonna like this." "He doesn't have to like it, it's factual, we think." "Makes more sense than the other at least." "He's still not gonna like it." "Well, you don't have to like the truth for it to be true." "You sure?" "We're gonna visit the parole office today either way, face the hiring brother." "And see if you can't track down this Vanessa who rented the apartment that lost an air-conditioner." "I'm thinking they might be connected." "What do you think?" "Bigger size." "Don't you think it'd be more comfortable?" "Yeah?" "We have something in a 44." "We'll try that." "You're sweating." "It's just..." "It's a lot of money, 100 grand." "Are you sure?" "I mean, we could ask for less..." "Are we worth less?" "You and me, our value, I'm saying, to the world?" "What makes him rich, and us not?" "Larceny." "Your brother stole from you, your birthright, like the snake in the garden, and then he built this falsehood." "Self-made man, my ass." "That business is your business, that mansion is your mansion on account of the stamps." "What he used to build this empire." "What's fair here is complete surrender." "We're compromising by asking for 100 grand." "He is getting off easy." "Here you go." "Oh, yeah." "You got me." "Congratulations, you're officially the stupidest person alive." "Who is this?" "It's Menachem Begin." "Who do you think it is?" "You made a sex tape and gave it straight to the wife." "No..." "You left it on the stoop." "Three people live in that house." "What did you think was gonna happen?" "Tears, were there?" "She left, and took the mother-in-law." "So, whatever leverage you think you have..." "He's gonna pay." "For what?" "She left." "The way we figure it, that's money owed for startup fees." "Collateral Ray put down as a youth." "He's part owner in the enterprise, in other words." "We're not gonna stop till we get what's ours." "We should meet, you and me, hammer out an end to this." "The end is, you pay." "She watched the tape." "Asshole." "Asshole." "She watched the tape." "So, she believes, right now, her husband slipping dick to a redhead is a true story?" "Factual?" "We were asking 100 grand to keep her from knowing, now I'm saying 200 grand to tell her the other truth." "There is no other truth." "You sure about that?" "We got video evidence" "Emmit's screwing his secretary." "It's a fact." "It never happened!" "That doesn't make it any less of a fact." "And I'm saying the price to convince her of the other truth is 200 grand." "Stussy Lot 350, one hour." "Baby, look at you." "Is it all right?" "It's amazing." "I gotta do a girl thing." "I'll see you at home later?" "You want me to come?" "It's not like I gotta work." "You're sweet." "What do you want?" "You're dead, do you hear me?" "Oh, I'm dead?" "That's..." "You got some nerve after..." "She saw it!" "Stella, the tape." "Big whoop, I'm out of a job." "She left me." "Oh, well, you know, reap what you sow." "You should've done what's right when you had the chance." "Buddy, when I'm done with you, they'll be sponging you off the floor." "Yeah?" "You'll be in the poor house making soup out of your dirty socks." "Fuck you." "Me?" "Is that..." "Is that what you're saying?" "Fuck me?" "You wanna fuck me?" "I'll tattoo it on my fist and come over there!" "Stuffed and mounted like a goddamn..." "Yeah, fuck you!" "So, if you know what's good for you, pay the damn money and pray that I'm satisfied!" "Hello?" "God damn it!" "My mom." "Mr. Stussy!" "Chief Burgle, we met yesterday." "Uh, you know Officer Lopez." "What's, uh..." "We just had a few more questions." "I thought you said you weren't together?" "We had an intersection of interest." "Shouldn't take long." "You wanna come inside, or..." "Oh." "Better you come to the station with us." "Cleaner." "Okay." "I gotta be back by 6:00." "There's..." "I got an appointment." "Oh, sure, we'll have you back." "Look, I understand you got threads to pull." "I'm on the job, too, in probationary guise, but, still, we're both officers of the court." "Got yourself fired yesterday is how I heard it." "Just now at your office." "That's..." "Okay, I'm taking a little time." "Continuing my education, exploring a few..." "'Cause it hit me one day." "You know, what if I could do more good in, like, a lawyer capacity?" "You're going to law school?" "Not, you know, officially, but..." "Met with Mr. Feltz?" "Sy Feltz?" "He runs your brother's..." "Oh, yeah, that's..." "Like I said, there's no hard feelings there." "Just a minor traffic skirmish." "You're saying Mr. Feltz was the driver of the offending vehicle?" "No." "Why?" "What did he say?" "Look, it's a family matter is my philosophy." "Whatever past disagreements, bygones." "You know?" "Think of Jesus, His actions." "So, there's bad blood between you and Mr. Feltz?" " No, I wouldn't say..." " What about between you and..." " What's the brother's name?" " Emmit." "Right, Emmit." "Emmit Stussy, who lives in Eden Prairie?" "Did Sy..." "Has he been making accusations?" "'Cause I got..." "Literally, my conscience is clear." " Your conscience?" " Right." "I'm saying if we're being honest here and not to cast aspersions, but I've seen a lot of snakes in my day, and that man is a scorpion." "So, whatever he told you," "I'd take that with a huge sack of salt." "Maybe if you tell us how your car came to be damaged." "Like I said, it was an accident." "He backed into your Corvette two times." "Mr. Feltz." "He's..." "There's jealousy there, how close we are." "Me and Emmit, our bond." "So, you're saying there's no beef with Emmit?" "There's no bad blood?" "No." "Emmit, we're..." "I was best man at his wedding." "And his daughter's wedding, they had it in, uh, Mexico." "The invitation said "no shoes."" "Can you imagine a wedding with no shoes?" "Tell me more about your man, Maurice LeFay." "Well, he's not my..." "Just a number on a file, uh, one of the faceless masses." "Blew his piss test, like I said." "Uh, I would have rounded him up, except air-conditioner." "And, um, just so I'm clear, when's the last time you..." "One sec." " We said 6:00, yeah?" " Yeah." " No." " Sheriff, before you..." "I talked to Donny, let it go." "He told me what you're up to." "We're not up to anything, there's a suspect in the box." "A suspect of what?" "Winnie Lopez, St. Cloud Metro." "We got a conflagration of names here." "Your victim, Ennis Stussy, Eden Valley, was murdered by the parolee of Ray Stussy, currently in the box, whose brother, Emmit Stussy, lives in Eden Prairie." " And?" " And, there's bad blood between the brothers, a run-in, one vehicle against another." "So, we're thinking things escalated." "Ray hires the ex-con to..." "Listen to me." "There's a girl in England." "Nine years old." "Laura Buxton, she's got a red balloon." "She ties a note to it." ""If found, please return to Laura Buxton,"" "and her address." "She lets it go." "Damn thing flies 30, 40, 50 miles, comes down in a field." "The words found by another little girl, also nine, also named, wait for it, Laura Buxton." "That's..." "A true story." "These things happen all the time." "Coincidence, random life." "Okay." "Here's another story." "Once upon a time, a guy named Stussy hired an idiot to rob his brother, and the idiot drove to the wrong town and killed the wrong Stussy." "I hate that story." "You know why?" "You can't prove it." "Now, pack him up and get him out of here." "We got work to do." "How's your wife?" "My wife?" "Please thank her for dinner the other night." "Those pork chops were delightful." "I, uh..." "Yeah, she's a hell of a cook." "I'm not sure we can trust the Jew." " Who?" " Feltz." "There's been some sneaking around." "Do you trust him?" "Sy?" "Some people think he's colluding with your brother." "What?" "Who?" "People talk, that's all I'm saying." "People you don't want to be talking." "I heard he broke into your bank." "Sy?" "Raymond." "Access to a safety deposit box, et cetera, and, now, he would've needed a key, and where he might've gotten one?" "An insider." "No, that's..." "Buck drilled the lock is what Sy said." "Is what Sy says." "Or either, it's possible that your consigliere making a move and he's using your brother as a diversion, or worse, a straw man after all." "The name on the marquee is "Stussy Lots,"" "but nowhere does it specify which Stussy." "That's..." "He's..." "I talked to Sy." "He's onboard, all in with this, with us." "Trust me." "And he hates, trust me, hates Ray." "Wishes I'd cut him out a long time ago." "Look." "We are making a souffle here." "Do you understand?" "Lines of credit, capital acquisition, increased valuation." "It's how you turn a small business into a big business." "And it is fluffy, and it is delicious." "But you can't agitate while it rises, otherwise..." "Poof." "It's..." "He..." "He knows it's not Sy, that this isn't..." "He just wants to protect me." "From success?" "I'll talk to him." "That's all I ask." "Any calls?" "I left the slips on your desk." "Also, there's a man waiting to see you." "Mr. Stussy." "I'm Agent Dollard from the IRS." "That's..." "What is this about?" "Just a routine visit, or..." "Well, maybe we could go to your office?" "Great." "It's, uh, right back here." " Do you mind if I..." " Please." "So, you said that this was just a routine drop in, or..." "Yes." "And, no." "Routine, in that we make these kind of calls all the time, so routine for me." "You made a withdrawal in the amount of $10,000 cash earlier this week." " Motherfucker." " Excuse me?" " What?" " You said?" "Since when was it a crime for a citizen, a tax paying citizen to use their own money?" "No, sir, it's not a crime." "Not exactly." "But, uh, any transaction, deposit or withdrawal greater than $9,999.99, it triggers an alarm with us." "An alarm?" "Not an actual alarm like at a fire station, that would be funny." "Spinning light, maybe get a pole." "No, it's more of an alert, a computer alert." "So, I've been dispatched by HQ to ask a few questions." "They're simple questions." "Maybe take a look at your books." "My books?" "Think of it like..." "You been to the airport?" "Recently?" "In life, I'm saying you've been to an airport?" "Yes." "Well, sometimes at the airport, when you go through the detector, the metal detector, or the radiographic scan, you get selected for additional screening, a pat down." "Maybe they swab your hands for explosives residue." " What?" " Residue." "To make sure you haven't been, you know, building a bomb." "What are we talking about here?" "Nobody's been building any..." "No, of course not." "That's what I'm saying." "But because of your withdrawal, which I am required by law to question, you've been selected for additional review." "Screening, minimally invasive, day surgery, versus, say, having your colon removed." "Little IRS humor." "Isn't this..." "Uh..." "Don't you need a warrant for this?" "Oh, no, sir, that's the FBI." "Uh, this is more of an informal kick-the-tires and all that, so that we can avert an actual audit." "An audit?" "Are you crazy?" "Sir?" "It's..." "We..." " I'm sorry." " Sure." "Our records are pristine, our books." "You could eat off them if that was your..." "And that other gentleman in the next office, that would be Mr., uh..." "Feltz?" "It might be." "Sir?" "No." "Uh, Mr. Feltz is off today." "Family matter." "Oh, I see." "Well, I would need to talk to him as well, and any other senior members of your staff." "How many partners do you have?" "Just how much time..." "Like I said, this is just a baby step." "I'll park myself in an office, you know, do a few interviews, maybe look over your books." "An office?" "Exactly." "Or a conference room, if that's easier." "Heck, I spent three months in the mailroom of a novelty store once surrounded by plastic poop and rubber vomit, so it doesn't have to be the Riviera." "Okay." "Not a problem." "I know just where to put you." "Oh, good." "Well, I appreciate it." "Shall we say 8:00 AM?" "How about 7:30?" "Perfect." "I'll see you then." "You betcha." "Is he married?" "What?" "Was he wearing a ring?" "Did he mention kids?" "That can be used." "I have no idea what you're saying to me right now." "We can't..." "The jig is up." "This isn't..." "He's gonna park himself in an office." "An office!" "Days, weeks, asking questions, reviewing the books." "He asked to see the books?" "Yes." "That's all right." "We'll show him the fake ones." "That's..." "Wait." "We have fake books?" "Let's go deeper." "Away from the road." "Forty grand." "That, plus the 10 you stole, puts it 50." "My thought, then, is you should leave the state." "Two hundred." "And we want the stamp." "For what?" "It's the principle." "What's this?" "Nothing." "Something else." "It's okay, I got it." "Sy, Sy..." "What's the matter, buddy?" "You drank from the holy cup, but here you are." "Not being a good boy." "This isn't that." "I'm sorry." "Who are you?" "What?" "He said pretty girls should only open their mouths" " when they see a dick." " Oh." "And, just so I'm clear, which one of you is the dick?" "Enough." "I'm handling this." "Okay." "Have you been to Siberia?" "Have I been to Siberia, is that the question?" "It's very much like this." "Except the dirt." "The earth soaking in blood, frozen red." "All of Russia." "Hundreds of years, millions the tsar killed, then it was Lenin, then Stalin." "Ten thousand, 20,000." "But here you have, like, what?" "Malls." "Few dead Indians." "Twenty million Russian died fighting Hitler, 20 million." "I see from your face that you can't even imagine that." "The pogroms, the starvation, 20 million more." "Mothers cooking and eating their babies." "That's why the snow falls white." "To hide the blood." "I'm leaving." "Ahh!" "No!" "You don't have to..." "This is what comes after the cup." "Babe, I'm..." "Phew." "Had a little scare for a minute." "The police, which..." "I don't have to tell you, got my heart going real good." "But all fine now." "Babe?" "Babe?" "Nikki, what..." "Honey?" "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "Honey?" "Can you hear me?" "Nikki?" "Come on." "Honey?" "Baby?" "Baby, what happened?" "What happened?"