"Hey, Willie, when does the band get here?" "No band, ALF." "Well, then, who's gonna back up the dancing poodles?" "There are no dancing poodles." "Yeah, there are." "I saw them on Letterman." "They dance pretty good for white dogs." "No poodles, ALF." "And next time I'll thank you not to order dancing dogs without asking me first." "Okay." "So when do all the guests arrive?" "Neal?" "He'll be here soon." "He just had to stop off for a bottle of wine." "So my third anniversary of landing on your planet is gonna be just another day except for toilet paper on the ceiling and a piece of dry cake." "Gee, guys, I'm all misty." "ALF, we're trying to make this as special as we can." "And by the way, this isn't toilet paper." "Well, it does the job." "Although it chafes." "[PHONE RINGS]" "I'll get it." "Here, ALF, does this look like your spaceship?" "KATE:" "Hello?" " Well, you forgot the bumper sticker." ""My Other Spaceship is a Porsche."" "Other than that, it's a pretty feeble attempt." "Calm down, Mom." "I can hardly hear you." "Where are you?" "The airport?" "Don't invite her!" "Don't invite her!" "What's wrong?" "Uh" " Ugh." "Oh, no." "No, no, stay right where you are." "I'm on my way." "I thought you said we couldn't have a dancing dog." " ALF." " You're right." "Who am I to assume she knows how to dance?" "What happened to Grandma?" "Mom and Whizzer had a fight." "She left him." "I gotta go pick her up." "What, is her thumb broken?" "Okay, okay, uh, we've got a clock and a bird." "Birdwatch." "Uh." "Uh, birdwatching." "That's it." "Let's eat." "Are you sure?" "Watch, bird...." "Watchbird." "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." "Ugh!" "That's my final answer." "Make it work." "Oh, come on." "What else could it be?" "[TIMER DINGS]" "What about "time flies"?" "What about a halfway decent clue?" " Are you having fun, ALF?" " Yeah, great party." "Considering you guys wouldn't let me have helium." "Ah, oh." "Ah-ha." "I believe I smell a victory." " Ready?" " Uh" " Yeah." "Go." "BRIAN:" "Okay." "West." "West." "Z. Sleep." "Quiet." "All Quiet on the Western Front." "That's it." "My boy." "Way to go." "How come they always get the easy ones?" ""Time flies"?" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Oh, boy." "The guest has arrived." "What on Earth?" "Hi, Willie." "Hi, everyone." "Hi, ALF." "Happy anniversary." " Hi, Uncle Neal." " Hi, Uncle Neal." "Why are you dressed like a bed?" "ALF said it was a toga party." "Shoot, that was the call I was supposed to make." "I'll, uh...." "I'll get you something to put on." "Or we could all wear sheets." "Lynn?" "Toga!" "Toga!" "Toga!" "Fat chance." "Fat chance." "Fat chance." "So where are the dogs?" "They're at the airport." "I heard that." "He's upset because Kate went to pick up her mother and he's afraid she's gonna spoil his party." "Oh, what brings Dorothy to town?" "Uh, she and Whizzer had another fight." "She flew out by herself." "Oh, that's a shame." "Another marriage flapping in shallow water." "That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me." "Oh, great." "My party's turning into a suicide watch." "Everything I own in the world is in those suitcases." "Mrs. Deaver, we are very, very sorry about any inconvenience." "If they're not on the next plane we will deliver as soon as we can locate them." "Please accept this coupon." "Good for one free drink plus earphones on your next international flight." "Some restrictions apply." "Listen, this is not the first time I have gone through this on your airline" "Look." "All right, I confess." "I took your bags." "I was behind you on the counter in St. Louis, I said to myself:" ""Oh, this lady must have pretty things."" "Is that what you wanna hear?" "Well, there's no need to get nasty." "I'll check one more time because I care." "Have a seat." "Smart aleck." "Mom." " Kate." "Oh!" "It's so good to see you." " I have been looking all over for you." " What happened?" " Oh, it was awful." "I did roadside check-in in St. Louis." "Never do that." " Always take your bags straight" " Mom, Mom." "I was talking about you and Whizzer." "Look, I don't wanna talk about it." "I have more important things on my mind." "Okay, here." "Come here." "Come here." "Sit down." "Mom, you can replace luggage." "You can't replace a husband." "That depends on the luggage." "Mom." "Whizzer?" "He's dead." "How's the baby?" "You flew 2000 miles, call me in a panic you don't wanna discuss it, fine." "He doesn't give a damn about me." "All he cares about is jazz, jazz, jazz." "The man is a cultural cul-de-sac." "Do you know what it is like trying to reason with someone while he's draining his spit valve?" "Mom you knew a spit valve came with the marriage." "[SCOFFS]" "But I didn't know my home would end up being a storage locker in L.A." "All I asked from him was to give up his lifestyle and stay in one place:" "Here." "He said no." "So I suggested a new place to store his saxophone and left." "Mom, you knew how important being on the road was to Whizzer." "Now, is it possible that you're not being totally sensitive to his feelings?" "Kate, that is not fair." "I'm a very sensitive person." "I'm sorry." "Now, where is Rain Man with my bags?" "What?" "All right." "Come on." "I'm on a roll." " Hit me with another one." " Ugh." "Um...." "Okay." "Okay." "[PLAYING "MOVIN' ON UP"]" "[MIMICS BUZZER]" "The Jeffersons." "Mid-'70s situation comedy." "Known today as Amen." "[ALL MUTTERING]" "Come on." "Come on, I'm hot." "All right." "All right." "Here goes." "Here's one." "Uh" "[PLAYING "GREEN ACRES" THEME SONG]" "[MIMICS BUZZER]" "Green Acres." "Eddie Albert, Eva Gabor." "Finest of the rural comedies." "Next." "Okay, here's one you don't know." "Ha-ha-ha." "Uh...." "[PLAYING "ARNIE" THEME SONG]" "[MIMICS BUZZER]" "Arnie." "Herschel Bernardi's stepping stone to Fiddler on the Roof." "Next!" "Can we play something else?" "Something maybe we can all take part in." "No." "Next!" "Brian, isn't it past a certain somebody's bedtime?" "You want us to wake you when Grandma gets here?" "Only if she brought me something." "If not, tell her I'll see her in the morning." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Oh, hi, honey." "Where are you?" "What?" "Well, what happened?" "Oh, don't tell me." "She's been taken hostage." "I say no deals." "They're still at the airport." "They lost Dorothy's suitcases." "Too bad they didn't lose her." "I take it the two of them don't get along." "Oh, they've had their moments." "Luckily, one of us has always been around to turn the hose on them." "Well, tell her we say hi." "Fun?" "I wouldn't say fun." "Hurry home, though." "Heh." "We'll save you some cake." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Wait." "Don't tell me." "You got me my dancing poodles after all." "Oh, I shouldn't have said anything." "I spoiled the surprise." "Get in the kitchen." "Oh, you're really gonna milk this, huh?" "Okay, I'll try to look surprised." "How's this?" "Well, it's Whizzer." " Whizzer." "Heh." " Hi, Willie." "Is Dorothy here?" "No." "Kate just went to pick her up at the airport." "I must've just missed them." "Hi, Neal." "Hi, Lynn." " Hi, Whizzer." " Hi, Whizzer." " I guess you heard." " About your fight with Dorothy?" "The woman is impossible." "Nothing I do seems to please her." "This thing has got me so worked up, I don't know what to do anymore." "I would've called but I've been a bundle of raw nerves ever since the argument." "It's all I can do is to keep myself from losing it altogether." " I need a beer." " No!" "Relax!" "I'll leave you a buck on the counter, you cheapskate." "Oh, I'm sorry." "See what I mean?" "Stop!" "[SCREAMING]" "ALF:" "Arf, arf." "Would you believe "meow"?" " How's your headache, Whizzer?" " It's getting better." "I always thought that "hitting the ceiling" was just an expression." "Does he levitate or cure people by touching them or anything?" "Are you kidding?" "He can't even make his own bed." "I can so." "I just don't want to." "You know, I've played a lot of clubs over the years, but, uh you're the third strangest thing I've ever seen." "Really?" "Does that include Kate?" "Here you go, Whizzer." "Drink this." " Your pupils are dilating nicely." " Thank you." "So, ALF, uh, what have you done since you got here?" "Well, I, uh...." "Well, I, uh...." "Uh." "Willie?" "Ha, oh." "Well, he eats a lot." "Have I left anything out, ALF?" "This is incredible." "First my wife leaves me, then I meet an alien." "How many people can say that?" "DOROTHY:" "You'd think if they could get 250 tons of metal to fly how hard could it be to find two pieces of luggage with Day-Glo pink yarn?" "Mom, enough talk about the luggage." "They said they'll call, they'll call." "You're driving me crazy." "You used to be such an agreeable child." "[KATE SIGHS]" "Mom, Whizzer has been playing music for 40 years he has known you for less than two." "You're behaving like a child." "Why don't you just call him?" "And give him the satisfaction?" "Mom." "Anyway, I can't." "I don't even know where he is." "For all I know, he's in some two-bit jazz club buying a drink for some lonely, middle-aged floozy." "Oh, Whizzer wouldn't do that." "Are you kidding?" "How do you think he met me?" "Come on, seven, come 11." "Daddy needs a new pair of shoes." "Don't give me no boxcars, baby." "Yeah, oh, yeah." "Mama, come to Papa." "You know what I like." "Do you have to comment on every single card?" "It's a quick drop from wonderment to aggravation, isn't it, Whizzer?" "Come on." "Shut up and bet." " Who didn't ante?" " You, ALF." "Oh, right." "Cover me, Neal." "What's the limit?" "Five dollars." "Same as it was a half an hour ago." "Okay." "Keep your shorts on." "I open for a quarter." " I'm in." " Me too." " I'll stay for a quarter." " Sure." "Why not?" "Well, too rich for my blood." "You were the one that made the bet." "Oh, hello, Mr. Hoyle." "I didn't see you come in." "Cards, everybody." "Okay, I'll stay with what I've got." " Two's fine." " One, please." "Will you not, please, not keep looking at my cards?" "Then keep them out of my face." "Give me two." "Dealer takes three." "That sounds good." "I'll have the same." "You already said you didn't want any." "It's too late." "But that was before I knew what Willie's cards were." "I'm out." "What was the limit again?" "ALL:" "Five dollars!" "Well, in that case, I'll bet 35 cents." "I'll see that 35 cents and I'll raise you a dollar." " I'm out." " Yeah." "Me too." "Oh, they're dropping like flies." "The bluff's working." "All right, I'll see that dollar, and I'll keep it company with...." "What's the limit?" "I'm kidding." "Kidding, man." " Uh, Willie, would you stake me?" " To what?" "Oh, I mean, yeah." "Sure." "Hmm." "Oh, come on, Uncle Neal, stay in." "He can't know what he's doing." "Don't be a fool, Neal." "Fold." "Nobody plays that stupidly without having a plan." "Trust me, ha, ha, there's no plan." "Okay, I'll see you four and I'll raise you five." "What do you say, Big Talker?" "Thanks." "Let's see them, Neal." "Three queens." "What do you got?" "Well, enough sense not to bet with my own money." "My deal." "Five card draw, all red cards wild." "Well, the place is still standing." "What did you do, dump the alien?" "No, he's still with us." "As a matter of fact, we're throwing him a party in his honor." "Open or closed casket?" "I'm sorry." "I guess I'm just upset." "It's not every day you lose your luggage." "Mom, you'll spend the night with us, in the morning, get in touch with Whizzer and discuss your differences like mature, rational adults." "WHIZZER:" "Come on." "Come on." "Give me my cards." "Give me my cards back." " No!" " Yes!" " Make me." " Step outside, you little" " Whizzer!" " Dorothy?" "What are you doing here?" "I came looking for you." "So you met Cousin Itt?" "Met him?" "He's cheated me at cards." "Sore loser." "Can't prove it." "Hello, Dorothy." "Good to see you again." "Yes, Willie." " Hi, Grandma." " Ah, sweetheart." "Ha, ha." " Hi, Dorothy." " Hello, Neal." "Oh, I'm sorry about you and Margaret." "Oh, thanks, Dorothy." "It was a tough adjustment." "After all, when you spend as much time with one person" "Can it, Neal." "She's not interested." "So, Dorothy, can I get you something?" "A cab, a rickshaw, a broom?" "No." "Maybe just a baseball bat and a small body bag." "I think maybe we should give Dorothy and ALF a little privacy." "Don't you mean Whizzer?" " What did I say?" " You said ALF." "Oh, what could I have been thinking?" "Mom, talk to Whizzer." "[SCOFFS]" "Not in front of the orange hairball." "At least mine's natural." "Come on, Whizzer." "We have got to talk." "She's just cranky because Toto escaped from her little basket." "Look, Whizzer we're obviously two very different people with two completely different approaches to life who happen to be attracted to each other." "The only solution that I can see is you have to change." "Dorothy, what are you doing?" "What do you want?" "[SIGHS]" "Triplets." "What do you think I want?" "I want a home." "Is that too much to ask?" " Oh, so we're starting in on that again." " Oh." "Look, there's one thing you have to understand." "You're not more important in this relationship than I am." " I don't think that." " Yes, you do." "So, what if I do?" "I think if we have a prayer of making this marriage work we're gonna have to ask ourselves one very important question." "And be honest." "Do you love me, or am I just convenient?" "You're convenient." "Well, so are you." "And I love you." "And I love you." "You'd think after three marriages between us we'd be better at this." "So, what are we gonna do?" "Well...." "Each of us is going to have to give up something." "You first." "Well, I can't give up music, but I will agree to look for a permanent gig and wherever that turns out to be, we can live there." "How's that?" "That is so giving and thoughtful of you." "Can we live here?" "No." "Now this is the part where you have to give up something." "All right, I'll give up the triplets." "What do I need with more stretch marks, anyway?" "Dorothy." "But I like being here." "I like being close to Kate and the kids." "How can you ask me to give that up?" "Well, I was hoping you'd like to be near me." "Do you say that to every cheap floozy you pick up in a bar?" "Only the ones I marry." "Oh, gross!" "Now I won't be able to eat for a week." "Kate, get in the kitchen and hose down your mother." "Ah." "You know, I miss being nice like this." "I know." "I hate it when we fight." "Of course, making up has its advantages." "[GIGGLING]" "[BOTH MOANING]" "Are you sure you two wouldn't be more comfortable at the Y?" "Shouldn't you be digging yourself a hole for the night?" "You know, Dorothy, they should make a movie of your life story." "They could call it Lady Brings The Blues." "ALF, can we be alone?" "Well, I appreciate the offer, but I'd rather swallow a hammer." "Can't the two of you get along for even five minutes?" "Hey, this is as good as it gets." "Well, then, are you planning to stand there the whole night?" "Of course not." "Just till Letterman is over." "Maybe they have the dancing poodles tonight." "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"