"You know, maybe I found out too early." "I was 5 years old when "Santa" gave me my own fire truck and a teddy bear that smelled like my dad's cigarettes." " Ha, ha, that's not Santa." " I just believe things and go on believing them." "Someone tells me a fat man's bringing me dolls, I don't question that." "We were on very strict instructions from Rabbi Schmulie not to say a word until the last Christian kid found out about Santa." "Ruining Christmas, very bad for our brand." "Whether or not Santa's real, it's just nice to have something to believe in." " Did you say "whether or not Santa's real"?" " You don't believe in Santa, do you?" " No." " Ha, ha." " Do I wish Santa was real?" "I mean, yeah." " Santa's not real." " Shut up, stupid." "You're a dummy." "SCHMIDT:" "Ha, ha." "[WINSTON STAMMERS]" "So..." "And I don't even..." "Like, you're..." "Okay." "Oh, here we go." "You know what?" "You're the same guy who only eats mayonnaise on game days." " That's how you make the Bears win." " Hey, Winnie." "Were you a good boy this year?" " Oh, really?" " Stop, guys." "Stop." "SCHMIDT:" "Don't throw the cranberries." " Get him." " I don't mess around." "JESS:" "Stop!" "Truce, truce, truce!" " One got stuck in my ear." " We got a cranberry in his ear." "How is that even possible?" "Why don't you ask Santa to take the cranberry out?" "Huh?" "I said it got stuck in my ear!" "Truce, truce, truce." "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " It's Jess" "These pieces don't make a full berry." "There's definitely something still in there." "Hey, would anybody mind giving me a ride to the airport tomorrow?" "Full disclosure, it's out of San Diego at 3 a.m." "So tonight's our last chance for a holiday hang?" " Hang on the Saturday before Christmas?" " [SHOUTING] Sorry, I can't, Jess." " Office party." " There are millions of parties." " It's a puzzle." " That's what you are talking about?" "It's not like I can hear, because I got a cranberry stuck in my ear." " You're yelling." " Huh?" "Slade and Sienna are having a house thing." " Oshiro-San is serving whale meat." " Huh?" "What you talking about?" " Shut up." " Sadie is having a cookie-decorating party." "The twins are having a thump thump." "Let's try to hit all the parties we can." "Otherwise, I'm gonna stay home and try not to call Sam." " What did you say?" " I'm gonna die alone and merry Christmas." " We have to hang out together." " I hate that idea." " I'll be designated driver." " I'm in." "Only way we make this work is if we do the Irish goodbye." "Leave without saying goodbye." "I'm asking you guys as my friends to not be so damn awkward around my stripper girlfriend just because she's a stripper." " You are awkward." " Stop calling her your stripper girlfriend." "She's unpredictable and exciting and I love that." "Old Nick Miller lives on the edge now." "[REVS THEN CHUCKLES]" "And plus, we haven't had sex yet and we might tonight." "[GRUNTING]" "I understood that." "Oh, yeah." "What did you say, though?" "[OVER SPEAKERS] On the first day of Christmas" "My true love gave to me A partridge..." "[SHOUTING] Merry Christmas." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Am I talking too loud?" " Schmidt?" " What?" "A word." "You haven't said one word to Cece since she got in." " I cannot believe you invited her." " She's my friend." " Can I talk to you later?" " Were you hoping I had some soul to crush?" "I'm glad we can be mature about this." " Whoa." "What happened there?" " Nothing." "He told her that he loved her..." "I just want to spend the night making it with some fatty in an elf costume." "Is that too much to ask for?" "Instead I'm stuck here at this lesbian cookie party." "It's all wreaths." "No trees." "All right, Jess." "You're on the clock." "You have five minutes in this party black hole." " Your friends are cool." " Heh." "Yeah, no, no, I like them." "Look, being serious, it's been really fun." "I'm glad we're hanging out and spending time together." "Uh, to be completely honest, when I first met you, I didn't think that you could handle this." "Handle what?" "The fact that you're a stripper?" " Yeah." " Are you kidding?" "Me?" "Yeah." "Is it good?" "You're sweating a little." "No, lady, I was born on the wrong side of the tracks." "I've had tetanus thrice in my life." " Ew." " Look what a badass cookie I made." "[LAUGHS]" " That's the kind of cookie Nick Miller makes." " Look at my cookie." "Yeah, but there are people, you know?" "Oh, you're not into having sex around people?" "Who are you talking to?" "I'm so open with sex, it's ridiculous." "[CHUCKLES]" "You could at least take your coat off." "Oh." "But I can't." "Pastel walls give me the chills." "CECE:" "Hey." " Hey." "[JESS GASPS]" " Oh, my God." " What?" " It's Sam." "Put your coats on." "We're leaving." " Sam?" "Where?" "He's talking to a woman whose sexuality I won't jump to conclusions about." "What a situation." "Forced to spend time with someone who ruthlessly rejected you." "After you told them you cared about them." " Damn, he looks good." " Maybe he just wants everyone to get along." "If he wanted everybody to get along, he wouldn't have acted like such a lady jerk." " Guys, I'm freaking out." " Lady jerk." "JESS:" "Seriously freaking out." " Duck." "He's gonna see you." "JESS:" "We have to get out of here." "Where is everybody?" "WINSTON [SHOUTING]:" "Yeah, man, see, when a cranberry gets lodged in the ear, it hurts." "ALL:" "Psst, psst." "Winston." " You guys know Sam's here?" " Jess?" " Irish goodbye." "Go!" "Go!" "Go, go, go!" "Go!" "Go!" "JESS:" "Schmidt, what's the address?" "SCHMIDT:" "Get ready." " Last year, this party had caged snow leopards." "WINSTON:" "What?" "[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]" "We're all here together, no drama." " Not bad, Schmidt." " Thank you." " Are they just gonna play computer music?" " That's a respected DJ who's also an actor." " Hey, Jess." "SCHMIDT:" "Whoa, Sam." "JESS:" "What?" "No." "Why is this happening?" "SAM:" "Please, I need to talk." "Oh, my..." "Ow, I feel like a bird." " That's just sad." " Unh." "How are you here?" "Winston told me where the party was for an ear exam." " Winston told you what?" " What?" "SAM:" "Jess, listen to me." "I want you back, Jess." "[JESS GRUNTS]" "JESS:" "Are none of these doors?" "[JESS THUDS THEN GRUNTS]" "What, he just wants a relationship now?" "Out of the blue?" "[SHOUTING] You never dreamed about him crawling back?" "Anybody who's ever been dumped has dreamed about that special someone crawling their way back to them." " I mean, come on, right?" "It's the dump fantasy." " Let's workshop that term." "Of course I have." "We'd meet in a hospital during war time." "You can forgive a lot during war time." "That is a fantasy, Jess." "People don't change." "They just think that they do." "He's a player." "Think." "Why would a good-looking person become a doctor?" "SAM:" "Jess?" "Oh, my God." "Go, go, go." " Door." "SAM:" "Jess?" "Jess, I don't know if you're in here." "I just wanted to tell you that, ahem, I messed up." "You know, I went to that party to see you." "I knew you were gonna be there because I saw the comments on the Evite." ""Amazeballs." "Can't wait."" "Sorry this sounds rehearsed." "This is the third room I've done this in." "Hey, what's he saying?" "JESS:" "Shut up, Winston." " Jess?" " Jess?" " Yup." "No." "You just think you can come back and I'm just gonna be waiting for you?" "No, of course not." "I had to at least try." "Too late." " I'm in love." " What?" "With Winston." "SAM:" "What?" " We've lain together." " I mean, I don't know how it happened." "It just got stuck up there so far so quickly." "The relationship." "WINSTON:" "Sometimes it can get a little rough." " Oh, boy, does it." " Yeah." " All right, well, I didn't know that." " I feel like I'm missing something." "[ANGIE LAUGHING]" "Hey, what are you doing?" "No, no, no." "Hey, everything is so expensive here, Angie." "Get off that thing." "Why don't you get on?" "Ha, ha." "You know what?" "Get in the sleigh, girl." "What happens in the sleigh?" "What happens in the sleigh is I'll be your reindeer..." "ANGIE:" "Okay." "...and take your toys in the sky." " Heh." " Sexy." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" "[MOUTHS] What am I doing?" "Ooh, ho-ho-ho." " Here comes the chubby Santa boy." "Unh!" "ANGIE:" "Get in here." "NICK:" "This is real." "We are..." "This is..." "You are quick to the belt." "Let's do this." " [IN DEEP VOICE] You have been taken." " What's that?" "[IN NORMAL VOICE] A perfect Liam Neeson." "Whoa!" "Oh!" "[NICK GRUNTING]" "[CROWD CATCALLING AND CLAPPING]" "NICK:" "No, this isn't..." " Oh." "This is my nightmare!" "Get out of here." "Merry Christmas." "Oh." "[NICK GRUNTS]" "["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]" "Hey." "I know you're trying to avoid me but just take this gift I got you and I will walk away." "I don't celebrate Christmas." "Or as I like to call it, White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night." "I really want us to be friends." "Whenever you're ready." " Because I really do care about you." " Thank you so much." "Because this makes it so much better." "Here." "This is for you." "What if you came home with me tonight?" "You look like a hot elf." "Hold still." "Oh." " Got it." " Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, man." "Now that I think about it, I'm not really surprised by you and..." "Three guy roommates." "If I really am being honest, you were the only one I was threatened by." "You got Metrosexual Jones and Sweatshirt Guy over there." " What are we talking about here?" " I would trade places with you in a heartbeat." "Except for the mustache." "Can I ask you something?" "How did you get her?" "Oh." "Uh-huh." "Jess?" "Yes." "Ahem." "Yes, my love." "Honey, we both know we have been unhappy for far too long." "I am not just a vehicle you get to ride to Pleasuretown." "Begone, honky." "[WHISPERS] This is for your own good." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] Say goodbye to paradise, honey." " We were never going out." " Yeah, I got that." "I mean, Sam, what am I supposed to think?" "So, what?" "I'm just supposed to believe you when all of a sudden you come back and you tell me you wanna make it work?" "I wanna believe you, but I just feel so..." "No." "No." " Why do you think you can just kiss me?" " I thought that was the right..." " That's all this ever was to you." " That's not true." "No." "No." "I'm always so gullible and I'm not doing it." "I'm not doing it anymore." "I'm done." "All right." "I mean, I get it." "I'm too late." "I messed up." "Yeah, you did." "You messed up." " Well, I'll leave you alone." "Merry Christmas." " No." "I'm leaving you alone." "I know you do this kind of thing all the time, but I don't." "What?" "What does that mean?" "Look, I know for you this kind of stuff is normal." " Oh." " Doing it in sleds..." "This is because I'm a stripper." " Yeah." "Ha, ha." " Are you laughing at me?" "No." "I'm laughing into me." " Maybe you can't handle this." " No, it's great." "You're a stripper for now." " I'm a bartender for now." " For now?" " We're not gonna be..." "ANGIE:" "Okay, well, for now I'm just gonna walk away." "For now, you can kiss my ass." "Nick Miller, turning lemonade into lemons since 1981." "[SINGING] Up on the housetop, click, click, click..." "You know, I just wanna say what's up to all my girls in the county looking so lovely like you always sometimes do." "Ho-ho-ho, who wouldn't go?" "Ho-ho-ho" "Hey." " Hey." " What are you doing in this place?" "JESS:" "Eh." "And we're back." "I'm Dr. Gavin Daytona." "You are live on the radio." "We got a caller." "Wendy, you're on the phone with the doctor." "What do you got?" " Hey." "Hey, Dr..." " This is Dr. Gavin live to 5 million people." " I actually..." "I had a guy." " Oh, yeah, you did." " I really liked him." " Womp, womp." "I'm right not to believe him." "Right?" "I don't know, actually." "I think you're the kind of girl a guy would come back for." "Womp, womp, womp." "WINSTON [SINGING OVER PA]:" "Down through the chimney with old Saint Nick" "Up on the housetop reindeer pause" "Out jumps good old Santa Claus" "It was a bracelet." " I don't even know what you're talking about." " Tungsten carbide." " You said that was the most baller metal." " That's what Statham wore in the movies." "I just wanted to try to find a way to say thank you for telling me that you loved me." "Even if I was the wrong person." "You're welcome, heh, Cece." "But love is stupid." "Okay?" "It is a lie." "So bah humbug to you, Cecilia." "Bah humbug." "Bah humbug." "[SINGING] Up on the housetop, click, click, click" "Where is your girlfriend?" "I blew it." "Heh." "She's so out there and adventurous and not afraid." "She's bored of me already." "She doesn't wanna be here." "Does Angie ever do anything she doesn't wanna do?" "No." "What's wrong with a girl that's fearless?" "I think that could be good for you." "Especially since you're such a chicken." " Bock, bock, bock." " Don't..." "[JESS CLUCKING]" "WINSTON [SINGING OVER PA]:" "Next comes the stocking of little Will" "Go get her." "[GRUNTING]" "[CLUCKING]" "[OVER PA] Is this on?" "It's on, ha, ha." "Right on." "Cool." "Um..." "Angie?" "I just want to say publicly that I'm an idiot." "I couldn't just put myself out there all the time." "It's too scary." "I'm not as brave as you, but here goes." "I'm very poor." "Having a checking account would be an honor." "I'm a writer." "I've written a zombie book." "It's terrible." "I'm a slow runner." "I'm obsessed with karate." "Yeah, yeah." "You are the scariest thing in the world and you're so goofy to be going out with me and I don't wanna..." "Thank you for..." "Winston, why don't you do me a favor, homeboy?" "Sorry I called you "homeboy."" "But turn that damn music up." "Because I'm about to get sexy up in here." "["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING]" "Deck the hall with boughs of holly Fa la la la la, la la la la" "'Tis the season..." " Sexy?" " No." "NICK:" "Weird choice, but I'm going for it." "Don we now our..." "Would you give me a second chance?" " Yes." " Good." "See, I know what sexy is." " What's happening?" " And I'm gonna show you." "See the blazing'yule before us" "Oh." "No." "Oh, okay." "Is this a lap dance?" "[NICK GRUNTING]" "This isn't happening." "Oh, God." "[CHUCKLES]" "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Fa la la la la, la la la la" "Oh, yeah, that's the stuff." "That's kind of the stuff." "Sexy." "Unh." "Fast away the old year passes Fa la la la la, la la la la" "Let me show you how to do it." "Hail the new, ye lads and lasses Fa la la la la, la la la la" "Sing we joyous all together Fa la la la la, la la la la" "Heedless of the wind and weather Fa la la la la, la la la la" "Okay." "Angie." "Angie." "You're doing it all wrong." "Okay, honey?" "Let me just..." "Eye contact." "Deck the hall with boughs of holly Fa la la la la, la la la la" " What are you doing?" " You are as dumb as it gets." "Fa la la la la, la la la la" "Don we now our gay app..." "CECE:" "What are you doing?" "JESS:" "I'm just..." "I'm sorry." "I think I made a mistake about Sam." " I think I need to turn around." "SCHMIDT:" "You did the right thing." "You're right." "You're right." "[SIREN WAILING]" "Aah!" "No, no, no!" "Aah!" "Grr." "No, no, no." " Jess, you reek of booze." " Winston threw a drink on me." "NICK:" "Take the jacket off." "WINSTON:" "We are so busted." "There's two of you?" "Thought we were in a budget crisis." "Officer, I understand how this looks." "And smells." "But I assure you I would not ever get behind the wheel of a vehicle if I'd had even a drop to drink." "[IN STRAINED VOICE] This has been the most crazy night and I'm not gonna cry because I believe in traffic violations and paying your debt to society." " But you have to believe..." " I believe you." "You do?" " Why?" " Jess, be cool." "Sometimes people tell the truth." "You drive safely." "And happy holidays." "[JESS SCOFFS THEN CHUCKLES]" " Was that?" " Santa." " Black Santa." " We saw Santa." "That was black Santa." "I saw him." " We got a black president." "Got a black Santa." " He's not the black Santa." "What a..." "That is ludicrous." "I knew it." "I knew it." "I knew it." "Now, what is he doing?" "He should be home getting ready." "I believe!" "I believe Sam." " And I wanna go see him." " To the Black North Pole." " We saw Black Santa." " Black Santa Claus." "I'm so sick of hanging out with Christians." "This is my last Christian Christmas." " Hi, um, I'm here to see..." " Do you have family members in the hospital?" " No." "Uh..." " Then you're not here to see anyone." " Visiting hours are over." " It's Christmas." "Okay." "New plan." "We're carolers." "[ALL CHATTERING]" "Gum?" "Boobs?" "Thank you." "FYI, I'm totally fine with what just happened." " Schmidt, let's go." "Let's go." " Look." "Jess, I still think this is a mistake." "I mean, what if he hurts you again?" " Sometimes people tell the truth, Schmidt." " Oh." "Thank you, Professor Cliché." " Just in time for the holidays." " Hold it." "WINSTON:" "We should..." " Um, ahem." "Madrigals." "Ahem." "[SINGING] Oh, come, all ye faithful" "ALL:" "Joyful and triumphant" "SCHMIDT:" "Matzo balls, matzo balls, star of David" " Hanukkah, menorah" " Do what you wanna do" "[ALL SINGING INDISTINCTLY]" "I don't know the words I don't know the words" "[ALL SINGING INDISTINCTLY]" "I don't" "Know the words" "[ALL CHEERING]" "Good stuff." "Thanks so much." " Thank you very much." " Okay, okay, everyone back in your rooms." "It's okay, I know these people." "It's okay." "Thank you." "You came back." "Yeah." "Um..." "Jess, I know you don't believe me, but when we met, I..." "This girl had screwed me up." "[FITZ AND THE TANTRUMS' "SANTA STOLE MY LADY" PLAYING]" "I believe you." "My friends wanna know how it came to be" "NICK:" "All right, you're in a hospital, so..." "Ha, ha." "Lot of hands." "Ease up." "Ease up." "I caught Santa under my tree" " Cab it to the next party?" " Yes." "Cece, do you wanna come?" "I mean, I think there's a cab stand, uh..." "Uh, maybe it's down that way." "Could be over there." "I don't know." "I didn't really give it away, you know." "I'd never do that." " Happy Hanukkah." " Happy Moon Festival, Cece." "Nope." "Not a thing." " Happy Carnival." " You should stop while you're ahead." "Uh, where are Nick and Angie?" " Ugh." "In a children's hospital." " Sexual animals." "Sexual animals." "Shameless." "Just shameless."