"People are driven by survival, we'll do anything we can to get by" "Only when we feel safe do we start considering the things we want" "'Sup, girls?" "*young girls screaming*" "?" "I see you lookin' in my direction ?" "?" "Want to get up close into a federal breast inspection ?" "?" "'cause when you stuffed it to your fan ?" "*uh uh*" "?" "I'm gonna hit you with a - ?" "Grimes:" "BAM!" "*girls scream in distress*" "This is what happens when you sell your soul to be a pop star without getting parental consent!" "techo music * gym machinery sounds * grunting * screams of effort *" "38!" "39..." "C'mon!" "C'mon!" "You can do this!" "I've GAINED two pounds?" "How is that possible?" "I've been working out every day for a month!" "Hmm..." "Interesting..." "TV:" "A volatile week on the soul-exchange as stock in Maggetbone Soul Industries fell to an all-time low." "Mr Maggetbone, response?" "Heh heh..." "Well Maria, I've caught a few tough breaks, but in this business, you're always one soul away from being back on top" "Newscaster:" "Mmm..." "Sweat-shammy?" "Maggetbone:" "Please." "I'm worried about dad, he seems really burnt-out." "You should go see him, maybe a visit from his only-daughter would lift his spirits." "*stomach growling* Gyah!" "Ahhh!" "What IS THIS pain?" "Hmmm..." "Acute abdominal cramps caused by helpful advice..." "Sudden weight gain..." "Hmm..." "You HAVE gotten really fat, Mark." "Wha!" "Randall:" "Let's just a take a look under the" " Oh yeah!" "Randall:" "Oh my dear Christ!" "We gotta get you to the hospital" " Right now!" "WE gotta get your HEAD out of my shirt!" "We'll be back with more from Aldermacht Maggetbone, has-been." "Hey!" "Was that really necessary?" "*cheesy ad music* When I sold my soul for Trisha, here, I thought I'd have to live without the core-essence of my being" "But then, my doctor told me about NuvaSoul" "NuvaSoul replicates the effects of having a soul - such as counsciousness and a basic moral-center" "Right, doll-face?" "Trisha: *giggles*" "SO worth it!" "Announcer:" "Side-effects of NuvaSoul include euphoria, contentment, exhiliration, jubilation, mirth, optimism, peace of mind and diarrhea." "NuvaSoul, manufacted by Pfizer." "*TV clicks off*" "Today's topic is" " GOOOOOOOOOOOOALS!" "Goals." "We all have goals." "Don't we?" "I want to be a REAL boy!" "I want to be president of United States!" "*whispering* Doug wants to stab things." "All admirable dreams..." "However, since the advent of NuvaSoul, many people are taking a shortcut to success, by SELLING their souls!" "Like Dustin, here." "I'm six minutes late for my interview with Seacrest!" "Can we speed this up?" ""Interview"" " Right..." "You're not going anywhere until your soul contract is signed by a legal guardian." "Them's the rules." "But my parents gave me up..." "I'm an orphan." "Maybe your parents should have appreciated the miracle of having a BABY WITH A PENIS!" "Hmmm..." "Kinda looks like we tapped into something there?" "I wanted a boy, but Vera could never stick to landing." "After pumping out 15 girls, she finally gave up and ditched me for "The Count"" "Her new vampire-husband." "I always wanted a bunch of sisters, you know, help me with my bangs..." "I think you two might be able to help each other..." "So you're saying that my strong desire for a son   and my legal need for a parent - are somehow related?" "Exactly!" "Everyone wins!" "That's what you get for eating in the commissary..." "OK, do you need water?" "Are you comfortable?" "D-d-do you need a pillow?" "They have pillows here!" "CAN SOMEBODY GET ME A PILLOW, PLEASE!" "As your NuvaSoul sales 'rep, we appreciate you sticking with NuvaSoul and not those crappy knock-offs like SOUL-VITRA!" "Here, take some free pens!" "Leonard?" "Is that a NuvaSoul windbreaker?" "Yeah, I do some pharm-rep work on the side..." "I owe a lot of bad people a lot of filthy money." "Peddling NuvaSoul?" "I hate to say this but I'm disappointed in you." "What?" "Oh, you're right..." "This is totally beneath me!" "There's gotta be a better way for me to earn cash on the side..." "Thanks, Mark!" "You've set me straight!" "*stomach grumbling* Ow!" "Helping hurts!" "OK OK!" "Squeeze my hand, we're almost there!" "What was it " "WHO DO I HAVE TO FUCK TO GET A DOCTOR AROUND HERE?" "That would be me." "Ehhh..." "Doctor!" "Thank God!" "What's happening to me?" "Oh, I'm sure it's nothing but let's take a look-see-dux..." "Oh!" "DEAR GOD ALMIGHTY!" "BE STILL FOOL!" "YOU'LL JOSTLE IT!" "Aaaaahhhh" " Ohhhhhhh..." "*Gulping*" "OK, you gotta be a big-boy, Mark, this radioactive dye isn't going to drink itself... *groans*" "What kind of medical examination is this?" "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" "Well?" "Give it to me straight, doc." "Don't keep me hanging." "Your suspicions were correct, Mr Skeffington, I've never seen anything quite like it." "Mark Lilly has the biggest soul I've ever seen!" "Oh my God!" "I'm going to be RICH!" "Cigars all around, everybody!" "Where's" " Where's the cigars at?" "WHERE OR WHO DO I HAVE TO FUCK TO GET THE CIGARS IN HERE?" "That would be me." "Dad, I'm worried about you." "You saw the news, I'm a has-been." "Bartender, Schlitz!" "Daddy, uh - we're in your office." "There's no bartender here." "Aw, just kill me now." "Literally." "There's a dagger over there in the credenza." "You can't give up!" "You're one big-soul deal away from being back on top!" "Save your breath, kitten." "For me to save Maggotbone Industries, I'd have to land " "Randall:" "THE BIGGEST SOUL YOU'VE EVER SEEN!" "Randall?" "What are you doing here?" "Oh nothing, just saving your dad's big fat red ass!" "For a cut of the profits, of course." "*Aldermacht chuckles*" "After years of good deeds, your soul swelled to such a massive size that it started crushing your liver." "Which we had to remove, by the way." "So..." "What's the cure?" "Well, we can start you on a strict regimen of Being A Complete Asshole..." "Or, you could always unload it on the soul-market..." "So what'll it be, then?" "Wealth?" "Power?" "Don't even think about asking for a million wishes because that's total bullshit." "I'm NOT giving up my SOUL!" "No matter how BLOATING it is..." "We can give you EVERYTHING you've EVER wanted, Mark..." "And - you won't have to worry about any unsightly stretch-marks!" "My soul is staying right where it belongs - between my navel and my lower-intestine." "It's called the pootch." "... and that's where I get the inspiration for my songs, puppies, people's moms... *sighs* Tell us more about your bangs!" "Your daughters are really cute, Francis!" "I wish they could come with us on the road!" "What do you mean?" "It's a done-deal!" "We're a family-band, now!" "I'm on bass, Vera plays the skins, Suri - sax, Zahara - keys, Shiloh, you're the lead-guitar, bangin' it out..." "Moon-unit, rhythm-guitar." "The rest of you are backup." "What about me?" "I'm in the family too!" "Oh, right!" "Why would I want to forget my ex-wife's new husband?" "I guess you can be the ... manager." "Now come on gang" " We've got some rehearsing to do!" "EVERYONE GET IN THE FUCKING GARAGE!" "Ha ha ha!" "Outta sight!" "I'm nervous about this soul-business." "Callie's dad does not mess around." "I'm actually kind of afraid for my life..." "Don't you worry that pretty little head of yours, Mark." "I'll be your bodyguard." "I'm already a yellow-belt in aikido." "A few years of training in Nepal with the League of Shadows and I've totally got your back!" "Wow, that is... really nice of you to offer, Leonard but" " I just, I don't want to drag you into this." "Oh, I get it" " You don't think I'd be a good bodyguard." "No!" "I" " I think you would be fantastic." "It's just " "I'M ONLY DOING THIS TO EARN BACK YOUR RESPECT!" "*sobbing* What is WRONG with you?" "FINE!" "GAH!" "You're my bodyguard!" "My services cost $5000 a week." "... bom-buh-bom-buh-bom" " And we're ready!" "Now let's pack up the gear." "We can't be late for our first gig!" "Short-hills mall, here we come!" "'scuse me, Frank." "I don't want to be a schlemiel..." "But I was looking at Dustin's schedule and he's already booked at Madison Square Garden." "Don't you think that the local mall is ah - a real step backwards?" "My drumstick!" "DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT TO TELL ME HOW TO RUN THIS BAND?" "uh-uh. no way." "Apple, you're the band manager now." "Congratulations!" "If we play our cards right, we could end up at" " MADISON SQUARE GARDEN!" "Listen, Rumor." "Sorry to do this" " It's just not working out." "I'm fresh out of cab-fare, you're going to have to hitch a ride back to your mom's house in Florida." "Remember" " Gas, Ass or Grass!" "Nobody rides for free!" "Callie, I have a bone to pick with you" " About this soul-business!" " OW!" "Wha?" "You cold-cocked me over the head" " Just to bring me to work?" "Oh, you're not at work, Mark." "This is a fantasy we've concocted for you." "We just thought you'd like to see what would happen if you sold your soul to be the greatest social-worker of all time!" "Look, I appreciate the effort but " "WHAT'S GOING ON?" "It's just a transitional device, Mark." "Bear with us." "You realize Eric's dream of being human by finding a 12 year old boy that wants to be a robot." "I'm real!" "I'm really real!" "Cool!" "It's time to smash shit!" "I didn't realize that technology existed..." "Using hypnotherapy, you steer Doug's stabbing impulses in a positive direction:" "He becomes the executive chef at Nobu." "I knew those daddy-issues were blocking his potential!" "... so help me to God." "You spearhead a campaign for constitutional amendment allowing Croatians to run for president." "I - have to say" " I DO have some mixed feelings about this one." "He'll be the first to tell you; he's a sociopath." "He does not know the difference between right and wrong." "Capitalizing on all these successes, you become an international self-improvement sensation." "Speaking engagements, books on tape, you name it!" "Even your own franchise of group-counseling establishments!" "Mark Lilly's Life Improve-Matorium?" "I always dreamt it would be Help-Ateria, but this is even better!" "It will be the most profitable non-profit organisation in history!" "So what do you think, Mark?" "You'd be the first social worker to get Time's Man of the Year!" "I had it mocked-up in Photoshop, it's great, isn't it?" "It's becoming easier for me to see how people would give up something as precious as their souls" " You really did get to the core of my desires." "And with NuvaSoul to fill the void, what's the downside?" "I mean, apart from the diarrhea..." "I" " I don't even know anymore..." "I'll give you precisely 3 minutes to think about it." "We'll be right back, folks!" "If you or a family member have taken NuvaSoul and suffered from explosive diarrhea, you may be entitled to cash-compensation!" "Contact the law-firm of Rothstein, Mandelbaum and Giant Baby today!" "And get the justice you deserve!" "Ahem, so Mark?" "What do you say?" "I - want all of this, I truly do, but I want to achieve it on my own, I don't want to take a shortcut to success." "Uh" " All right, people:" "It's a bust." "Shut it down!" "Shut it all down!" "Whoah!" "Mark my words, Lilly:" "I will get that soul of yours, one way or anoth" " AH!" "Hai-Ya!" "Daddy!" "Leonard?" "Come with me, if you want to keep your soul." "Yah!" "What are going to do?" "Were going to CRACK SOME SKULLS!" "Oops!" "Sorry about that!" "Huhn?" "Leonard?" "Where are we?" "My safehouse in Little-Chechniya." "Here, have a MAN'S breakfast." "Why would I want to drink vodka at 8 in the morning?" "To anesthetize yourself." "I realize now the only way to protect you is for us to switch faces." "I'm Nicolas Cage, you're John Travolta and wait, no" " I call Travolta!" "What do you want now?" "We could have done this the easy way, Mark." "Now, you give us your soul or I put a shell in your roommate's noggin." "This is brilliant!" "He'll totally fall for this!" "No, I'm really going to splatter your skull all over that wall." "Oh my God, Mark!" "I don't want to die!" "D'ugh..." "Dr Feelgood's Wellness-clinic, tomorrow morning." "Your turn!" "You call that a dance-routine?" "I'm seeing the popping, but where' the locking?" "Do I have to do everything myself?" "Moon-Unit!" "Where's that tambourine?" "5, 6, 7 - and uh and uh uh, uhn uhn uhn." "Uh uh, uh uhn, uh uhn, uh uhn, uh uh, uh uh and uh and uh uh, uh uhn, uh uhn." "Groovetastic!" "Now THAT is how you do it!" "'zam!" "I didn't sign-up for this!" "I quit!" "Fine!" "Go!" "We don't need you!" "Rumor!" "You're up!" "Where the hell is Rumor?" "Where you headed?" "Florida." "Me too!" "Hop in." "A bullish day on the soul-exchange, Maggotbone Soul Industries stock skyrocketed to a new high on rumours that they have acquired the biggest soul in the western hemisphere, sources say the soul belongs to this man, Mark Lilly." "A government social-worker with a nauseatingly perfect record of good intentions." "Jesus!" "Take his photo down, it makes me sick!" "Well, it's the date of the big show and we have no lead singer!" "Our goose is cooked!" "You're right, Pilot-Inspector, I AM the only one who can fill in for Dustin as the lead singer of our band!" "I - didn't say that..." "Listen to me carefully, girls." "Daddy is not going to blow his second chance!" "Allright..." "After the break, a live performance from the new group" " Earth, Wind, Fire and Grimes" "You guys ready?" "This is our big break!" "Hey man, listen..." "Me and the guys have been talking, and uh..." "We want you out of the group" "But I'm the lead singer!" "uh, that's just it:" "We don't dig your style; this whole "Rapping" thing of yours is going nowhere." "But I'm mixing talking and music" "It's gonna be huge, I'm telling you!" "People don't want to hear rhythmic-talking about street-life" "They want to hear jams about Boogie-Wonderlands and the letting the GROOVE get you to MOVE!" "Sorry, Grimes." "Music just ain't your thing... *sniffs* ... And that was the day that" " Earth, Wind and Fire crushed my dreams!" "All I've ever wanted to do is rap!" "We're here, live, at Dr Feelgood's soul-extraction lab" "As Aldermacht Maggotbone prepares to collect Mark Lilly's massive soul." "I've failed you, Mark!" "*cries*" "I FAILED YOU!" "Oh, stop being such a baby!" "Drinks are on me - once I cash in my shares!" "Leonard:" "Top shelf?" "Randall:" "Mmm hmm!" "Leonard:" "Deal!" "Oh - ah!" "Oh!" " Ah!" "YOUR SOUL IS MINE, MARK LILLY!" "MUAHAHAHAHAA!" "MUAHAHAHAHAA!" "*anguished cries of pain*" "Hahahahaha!" "I DID IT!" "*gasps*" "WHAT?" "What the hell is that crap?" "His soul is no bigger than a pea!" "This can't be happening!" "I" " I saw the X-rays myself!" "Get these cameras out of here!" "GET THESE CAMERAS THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" "That was the scene yesterday as Mark Lilly's supposedly massive soul turned out to be a massive BUST for Maggotbone Soul Industries whose stock plummeted to a new low by the end of trading." "Still no word as to what caused the former soul-titan to put his faith in such a pathetic loser." "What she doesn't know is that before I gave up my soul," "THIS pathetic loser sold Aldermacht short!" "... Dr Feelgood's Wellness Clinic, tomorrow morning." "Before heading to the soul-extraction lab, I stopped by my local soul-broker, and bet on Aldermacht stock to plummet." "After that, it was a simple matter of devaluing my own soul..." "Hmmm..." "I spent the entire night debauching myself through acts I never thought I would be capable of," "I had to choke-down my inherent morality and remind myself that I was doing it for the greater good." "Although" " I did catch myself having some fun at Charlie Sheen's place..." "You know, he's nice!" "And he parties, hard!" "By morning, I was confident I'd completely deflated my soul." "A Reverse-Grinching, if you will... aw..." "HUH?" "Well, THIS is utterly worthless..." "Back to being the laughing-stock of the soul-exchange..." "After 2 hours of rooting through the medical-waste dumpster at the clinic, my soul - was once again my own!" "Along with 10,000 dollars!" "Which I promptly invested in a sensible college-fund for my future-children" "Ethan and Desiree." "And, well..." "That about sums it up..." "Now, if I'm not mistaken " "I believe we have a concert to go to!" "So, do you also to watch The Gossip Girls?" "Euh..." "Announcer:" "Ladies and pre-ladies" "Please, welcome to the stage" "Francis Grimes and The Family von Rap!" "Vera, drop the beat!" "Well I was walking down the street" "Lookin' at the sidewalk, movin' to the beat " "Chillin' like a beanstalk rockin', talkin', fly hip-hoppin'" "Where's Dustin?" "What is happening?" "Stop rapping, you horrible old man!" "*boos* *catcalls*" "I REALLY hope he doesn't quit his day-job." "It's not easy being human:" "We can forget to take care of ourselves." "Come on!" "You can DO this!" "We can forget to keep each others best interests at heart." "Bartender, Red-Bull and vodka..." "Oh right; my office..." "Or to make time for our friends." "This was the funnest day, ever!" "BFFs?" "BFFs!" "We can let our imaginations get carried away..." "I'm the Kevin Costner to your Whitney Houston." "I'm too young for that reference, dawg." "But one thing we should never forget is to have SOUL."