"(SNORING)" "(SNORING)" "(ALARM BEEPING)" "(MOANING)" "(SIGHING)" "(SNORING)" "(SIGHING)" "# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Want a new beginning and a new address" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #" "Marlene!" "I have a car showroom to open up sometime today." "I'm ready, all right?" "I had to put my make-up on." "You've been varnishing your face for hours." "There's a taxi outside and I'm paying waiting time." "Oh, shut up." "Where's Tyler?" "Don't know." "Where's my mobile?" "Don't know." "Where's Tyler's mobile?" "I don't know!" "Has Tyler got his passport?" "For God's sake, Marlene, the boy's 1 6 years old." "I don't want anything going wrong." "This is a very important school trip for him." "He's going to France to further his GCSE studies in..." "What do you call it?" "French?" "Yes." "And you make sure you're in this house." "If he phones up from France, his mummy won't be here, so he'll need someone to talk to." "Even if it's you." "Well, he can phone you at the health farm." "No, he can't." "My phone's broken, it don't ring anymore." "You just put it in your handbag." "It still vibrates." "And it is not a health farm, it's a fitness and beauty spa." "Oh, yeah?" "What're you going for, treatment or an estimate?" "Tyler, hurry up, darling!" "I'm only doing this for you." "I want to look good for Ladies Day at Ascot." "Marlene, for God's sake, don't go on that all-meat diet again." "Our fridge looked like tea time at Jurassic Park." "And that breath, you smelt like a gorilla's stag night." "Tyler, get down here or I'll be up with a bucket of water!" "I lost ten pound in a week on that diet." "Yeah, so did I. And I wasn't even on it." "Oh, look out." "Here comes Britain's latest ambassador to Paris." "I so do not want to go to France." "You can't get Big Brother in France." "Yes, you can." "They've got their own version of it." "Yeah, but I bet it's all in that French." "Good God." "I hate France." "I didn't have to go on this school trip." "It was youse." ""Youse"?" "Ewes is lady sheep!" "What kind of grammar is that?" "Don't you know the Queen's English?" "Of course he knows she's English." "You're not stupid, darling, are you?" "No." "And who's he think he is?" "Winston Shakespeare?" "Yeah." "God help us." "Bye-bye, darling." "Do you have to do that?" "Go out in the garden and kiss Earl goodbye." "I'm not kissing that dog." "You seen where he puts his mouth?" "Well, I just kissed him goodbye." "(LOUD RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)" "Boycie." "Denzil." "How's it treating you?" "Tyler's on a school trip to France and Marlene's gone off for a week to a beauty spa." "I've always admired her Dunkirk spirit." "So I'm home alone for a week." "Nobody to talk to, nobody to wake up next to in the morning." "Heaven." "Could do with a coffee." "What, in my house?" "All right." "So, what brings you round?" "Oh, nothing." "I was just passing and thought I'd pop in and say hello." "No, no, no, me old mate." "Nobody calls in just to say hello anymore." "Only last week Del Boy dropped into the showroom just to say hello." "By the time he left, he'd sold me 33 bottles of Latvian Chablis." "No, I was just passing by and I saw you standing in your driveway." "I thought I'd stop off and say, "How are you?"" "Oh, forgive me." "You must be the exception to the rule." "So, how are you?" "Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm feeling a bit down." "Oh, never mind." "It's just this modern society, you know." "You know, every morning I wake up and I feel I'm gonna be attacked." "Well, why don't you leave the house before Marlene gets up?" "No, you see, in the old days if you worked hard and you were successful, everybody just applauded your endeavour and invited you to become a Mason." "These days, everybody just seems to want a piece of what you've got." "Only you're lucky, you see, you've got nothing." "Yeah." "Well, fingers crossed it continues, eh?" "But today, Denzil, you have rekindled my belief in human nature." "You called round just to say hello." "And it was just a genuine concern for an old friend." "And that sort of humanity deserves reward." "I'm taking you to the Pizza Hut." "And I'm paying." "Cheers, Boycie." "Well, actually, there was something I wanted to ask you." "Oh, here we go." "No, no, no." "It's not for me." "No, it's just that I happened to notice your advert in the local paper for a trainee car salesman." "And, well, I've got my nephew Calvin coming down to London soon and he's on the lookout for a job." "He's done a wide variety of work experience." "He's done cooking." "Well, the next time I'm giving away chicken nuggets and chips with every Honda Civic," "I'll give Calvin a bell." "No, no, wait, wait." "He's done gardening work as well." "Oh, what a shame." "I've just sold my second-hand Flymo franchise." "He's a fit and strong lad." "He's done loads of gym work." "Wait a minute." "He's worked in kitchens and gardens, he's spent a lot of time in the gym?" "I swear to you, he was innocent." "Oh, an innocent prisoner." "Well, there's a first." "No, no, no, Denzil, I can't have an ex-con working in my showrooms." "You work there." "I have never been to jail in my life, not even in Monopoly." "Bit of borstal perhaps, but..." "So where is he, then, your nephew?" "He's up in Durham." "Be out in a couple of months' time." "Hey, guess who's in the cell next to him?" "Oh, er, some other criminals?" "Not just any criminals." "The Driscoll brothers." "The Driscoll brothers?" "Your nephew is socialising with the Driscoll brothers, the two most vicious villains in London?" "Even the Kray twins told them to lighten up." "He's doesn't socialise with them, he just slops out for them." "No, but he's got another two months to run." "In that time he could become very friendly with them." "Nah, there's no danger of that." "The Driscolls are being released in three weeks' time." "Being released?" "In God's name, how?" "1 8 months ago they were in the Old Bailey accused of two counts of murder, GBH, drug smuggling, importing illegal immigrants and refusing to pay their council tax!" "They received four life sentences each!" "Yeah, I know." "But they've got an appeal being heard and the word is they're gonna walk." "Apparently, all the prosecution witnesses have changed their statements." "And I don't know if you've heard, but the police had a supergrass." "Really?" "But the Met have now lost all his evidence." "Completely wiped off the computer." "And Scotland Yard accidentally gave the Driscoll brothers' "lawyer" the name of the supergrass." "Wouldn't like to be in his shoes, would you?" "No." "Hey, and they've even booked the Nags Head for a welcome home party." "Do you fancy going?" "Sounds good." "Blimey, is that the time?" "I'd better show you the door, you must be busy." "No, I've got nothing to do." "Well, you'd better get on with it." "(MOBILE BEEPING)" "Hey, are you all right?" "Yes, yes." "I've just got a few calls to make." "Well, what about the pizza?" "Eh?" "Oh." "There you go, enjoy." "Thanks a bunch." "Coffee was crap as well." "Have a nice day." "Hello, this is Mr Boyce here." "I need to speak to Gavin very urgently." "Well, tell him to call me the minute he gets in." "I may have a very serious problem on my hands." "Correction, I have a very serious problem on my hands." "MARLENE:" "Okay, Mum, call you later, bye." "Keep your head down, Earl, there could be pots and pans flying about in a minute." "It's so good to have you home again, darling." "What?" "Well, I've been lonely without you." "Can I get you a glass of wine?" "Nah, I'm sticking to this diet." "I've given up drinking forever." "Well, that beauty spa really worked, eh?" "Well, Tyler's still in France, we've got the house to ourselves, maybe we could have an early night." "What's happened?" "Nothing's happened." "Oh, leave off, Boycie." "The only time you volunteer for an early night is when you've got something to hide." "I swear to you on your life, I'm hiding nothing." "All right then, get up to that bedroom." "All right." "There is something I have to tell you." "just lately I've been getting a bit fed up with my life." "Have you got a bird?" "No!" "I told you before, you are my wife and my bit on the side." "Oh, Boycie." "Sometimes you can be really romantic." "Yeah, look." "Look." "Have a look at this." "Can you imagine yourself living there?" "No, I couldn't." "Look at it, it's in the middle of the country, miles from anywhere." "Nobody would ever be able to find you, would they?" "No, I couldn't see me in a house like that." "Well, give it a try, dear, 'cause I've bought it." "You've bought it?" "Yeah, that's gonna be our new home." "What happens to this house?" "We sell it." "We can't sell our house." "Yes, we can." "Look." "You've sold our..." "No, you can't do that." "It's in both our names." "I haven't signed." "Yeah, you have." "That's not my signature." "No, but it's close, innit?" "You forged my signature?" "Well, what could I do?" "You were away." "I am not moving from this house." "Is that how much it's worth?" "House prices have gone crazy round here." "And it's about time we moved, Marlene." "We're getting stagnant here." "Where is this place?" "Shropshire." "What's Shropshire?" "Not what, where." "All right, where's Shropshire?" "It's, er..." "It's up there somewhere." "Near Wales." "Oh, I get it." "You'll buy yourself a flat and then while you're down here in London running your business and having a great time with your mates," "I'm stuck up there in the arse-end of nowhere, living in the Little House on the Prairie." "No." "I've sold the business as well." "Well, it's a mid-life thing." "Remember how you were?" "You broke a teapot." "Get me a drink." "I thought you said you were never going to..." "Get me a drink!" "(BOYCIE CHUCKLING)" "You see, Marlene, we're at that stage of our lives where we need a change." "You either tell me the truth or I'm gonna strip naked." "Okay." "The Driscoll brothers are going to be released from prison in a fortnight's time." "How?" "They got 42 years apiece." "It's a combination of bribery and human rights." "Latvian." "Okay, so the Driscoll brothers are being released." "What's that matter to you?" "Well, the thing is, they don't like me." "Nobody likes you, but you never moved to Shropshire before." "No, you see, there's..." "there's a rumour going around that during the investigation into their activities, the police had a supergrass, and the Driscoll brothers have got it into their silly old heads that it was me." "Oh, my God, you were the supergrass." "No, I wasn't!" "Look, the investigating officer happens to be a member of my Masonic Lodge." "Of course I talked to him, what else was I supposed to do?" "(STAMMERING) All right, then." "When the Driscoll brothers are released," "just go round there, talk it all out." "Talk it all out?" "Marlene, this is the South London mafia, not Richard  Judy." "The Driscoll brothers won't listen to me." "They won't be able to listen to me 'cause they'll be wearing my kneecaps as earmuffs." "Look, you're not certain of anything." "It might just be your imagination." "I was out jogging the other day and three men drove past and sort of looked at me kind of funny." "Well, I've told you, it's them shorts." "They make you look gay." "Now, look, it's obvious, isn't it?" "It's the Driscoll brothers' heavies checking up on my whereabouts." "They're after me." "Well, I'm staying put, I've done nothing wrong." "What, you think they'll let you off?" "They'll hurt you to get at me." "They think I like you." "And then there's Tyler." "They wouldn't do anything to a young kid like Tyler." "Remember that kid from Deptford?" "He's only just come out of a coma." "Yeah, but he asked for trouble, he went round banging on their front door one night." "He was a carol singer!" "There must be something we can do." "Couldn't we go on a police protection scheme?" "Police protect..." "It was the police who told them!" "Now, look, Marlene, we have got to get out of Peckham." "No one must know we've gone and no one must know where we've gone to." "So what you're saying is we've got to get a new life." "Well, you have, I'm just trying to hang on to this one." "Can I invite my mother up for the weekend?" "No!" "You don't think she'd grass on her own daughter, do you?" "No, I just don't like her." "Oh, yeah." "But what about Tyler?" "He's got to move schools and he's right in the middle of his GCSE studies." "Yeah, I know." "But with his ability and intelligence, he can fail those exams at any school in the country." "Yeah, love him." "I so do not want to live in the country." "I hate the country." "As I've explained to you, darling, it's either that or Daddy gets killed." "Mum, all my friends are in Peckham." "Yes, I understand, Tyler, but..." "Now, what's that saying I'm looking for?" "Oh, yeah." "Shut up." "Now, we must remember that we are moving to a small village, a close-knit community who most probably view all newcomers with a bit of suspicion." "So it is important that we don't do anything to draw attention to ourselves." "(CAR HORN PLAYS DIXIE)" "Tyler!" "MARLENE:" "You should've turned right back there." "BOYCIE:" "For God's sake, Marlene, we've got satellite navigation." "Trust me." "MARLENE:" "Where did you get that satellite navigation from?" "BOYCIE:" "Who do you think?" "MARLENE:" "Thank you." "And once again, I'm sorry we weren't there to help you." "(PHONE CLICKING OFF)" "MARLENE:" "That was the removal men." "They've put all our furniture in the house and now they're halfway back to London." "And where are we?" "No-bloody-where." "If we invite my mother up for the weekend, she'll never find it." "Well, that's lucky, 'cause we ain't inviting her." "(FARTING)" "Oh!" "You dirty dog." "That is revolting." "Come on, I'll go and ask directions in the pub." "It's not going to be all Morris dancers and sheepdogs, is it?" "Don't be stupid, this is the 21 st century, woman." "(TRADITIONAL ENGLISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Can I help you good people?" "Yes, we're looking for The Grange, Winterdown Farm." "Winterdown Farm, is it?" "Are you the new owners?" "Yes, we recently bought it." "Cash." "Allow me to introduce ourselves." "I am Mr Boyce and this is my wife Mrs Boyce." "Ah, we heard you were on your way." "It is a pleasure to meet you." "Why don't you stay and have a drink?" "Get to know your new neighbours." "Oh." "Now, we has a custom in these here parts." "Whenever newcomers arrive in our village, everyone in the pub buys them a drink." "Oh." "That's very civil." "I'll have a large cognac." "A tequila shot, please." "Vodka and Red Bull." "Coke." "All right, vodka and Coke, then." "Shut up." "No, wait a minute." "No, no, that's it." "You buy everyone in the pub a drink." "Right, what'll it be?" "It's very dark, innit?" "Yes, it's what they call in the country "night"." "So, we got electricity, then?" "Yes, stick your fingers in the socket and see if they work." "Go on, Earl." "Off you go and do your business." "Lovely." "Come along." "Well, it's home from home, innit?" "Yeah, if you happen to be a member of the Addams family." "This is jacobean." "I hate jacobeans." "Look, we've got animals in our living room!" "Well, your mum's got a budgie." "Looks like Doctor Dolittle's weekend place!" "I mean, look, we've got a lion and some sort of spotty tiger." "For God's sake, Marlene, we ain't got to feed them." "I know things aren't quite to your liking at the moment, but in time you will put your personality upon it." "Then it'll be really good, won't it?" "The main thing is that we are secure." "Nobody knows that we are here, so no one will come looking for us." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're right, we're safe." "Safe as houses." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Who is it, Dad?" "Well, from here it's difficult to tell, son." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "What about Earl?" "No, that's not Earl." "No, I mean he might get hurt." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "You'll have to answer it, Boycie." "Have you gone mad?" "Look, think about it." "We've only been here five minutes, the people at home don't even know we've left yet." "So it's got to be someone local." "Yes, yes, yes." "All right, yes, I just panicked a bit, that's all." "Go on, go on, go and open it." "Don't worry." "You'll be all right." "Tyler, hide somewhere." "Oh, there you are." "Good evening." "Are you Mr Boyce?" "I might be." "Who wants to know?" "Elgin Sparrowhawk." "Pardon?" "Sparrowhawk, Elgin." "No, no, you've lost us again." "Could we do this in English?" "I'm the farm manager, you see." "I manages the farm." "Elgin Sparrowhawk." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh!" "Oh, I see." "Oh, boy." "Please come in." "Oh." "I'm sorry to come a-knocking so late, sir." "I expected you earlier." "Yes, we had a spot of bother, but we're here now." "Well, I am Mr Boyce." "This is my lady wife Mrs Boyce." "How do you do?" "All the better for meeting you." "Fine-looking woman, sir, eh?" "Oh, you're gonna bring a breath of fresh, with your lovely southern clothes and the way you fills them." "Can't beat a good woman, eh, sir?" "So I'm led to believe." "(CLEARING THROAT) Now..." "You're going to add a touch of beauty and glamour to the area, ma'am." "Oh, don't be silly, of course not." "Trust me, you ain't seen the others." "Well, I haven't been in this house for ages." "Not since the night they came and took the old squire away." "The blood came out well, didn't it?" "Blood?" "Pardon?" "Blood on the walls?" "Oh, no, don't misunderstand me." "You see, the old squire's wife died very suddenly." "A bit too suddenly for her own good, if you ask me." "And the old squire was..." "How should I put it?" "A bit... a bit strange." "Oh, 'cause he'd lost the love of his life." "Oh, no, he was nuttier than a squirrel's fart long before she died." "He'd sit here in this room, with his 1 2-bore shotgun, in the dark, wearing nothing but a pair of night-vision goggles kindly donated by the Women's Institute, and he'd wait for 'em to come out." "Wait for who to come out?" "The rats." "Then he'd blast 'em!" "It was very messy, but they've done a lovely repair job." "We've got rats?" "Oh, no, ma'am." "They're long gone." "Oh, thank God for that." "Snakes frightened them away." "Country humour." "Yeah, the old squire shot all these animals." "We had a hell of a job repairing the walls." "If I may be so bold, sir." "Hmm?" "Which bedroom will you and your good lady be... sleeping in?" "Well, the master bedroom." "Oh." "Right." "Well, it was a long time ago, and that priest seemed to know his business." "But you two people get a good night's sleep and I'll be round first thing in the morning to help out." "Could I..." "Could I just have a word with you in private, sir?" "Excuse us." "Yes, all right." "What is it?" "I don't know whether it's my imagination, sir, but can you see a strange-looking little fellow over in the corner?" "Oh!" "That's my son." "Oh!" "Thank God for that." "I thought for one terrible moment there the whole thing had started all over again." "Anyway, sleep well." "Dad, have we got a ghost?" "No, of course we haven't." "He's just winding us up." "You heard what he said, the place is haunted!" "You can scare rats away but how're we going to frighten ghosts off?" "Marlene, I've changed my mind." "We're leaving?" "No, I mean invite your mother up for the weekend." "Look at the view, Marlene." "Stuff the view!" "# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #"