"I hope you don't mind, I used your toothbrush." "No problem." "Where'd you use it?" "Nowhere your mouth hasn't been." "You are so beautiful." "Thank you." "Your, your hair." "Your, your eyes." "They're just amazing." "Charlie." "And this body..." "it's just perfect." "Thank you." "So..." "Why don't I want to have sex with you anymore?" "You don't?" "I'm sorry." "No, no, no." "It's okay." "I don't want to have sex with you, either." "Oh, thank God." "I was feeling so guilty." "Me, too!" "When did you know it was over?" "Ah, about two weeks ago." "Remember?" "Alan took Jake to the movies, and we did it on the deck." "All I could think about was picking up the champagne bottle and caving in your skull." "Were you angry with me?" "No, no." "It was more just a way to kill time." "You know, fantasizing if I could get away with it." "Interesting." "I fantasized about you having a heart attack or getting hit by a bus." "That way, I wouldn't be a suspect, and people would feel sorry for me." "Smart." "So, when did you know?" "It was in the limo, wasn't it?" "Yep." "Yeah." "I could tell your attention was wandering." "Every time I looked up, you were somewhere else." "I hate to say it, but I was making believe you were another woman." "Well, that doesn't necessarily mean it's over." "I pretended you were the big blue chick from Avatar." "It's over." "So, what do we do now?" "Part friends, I guess." "I'd like that." "It's getting kind of late." "You're welcome to spend the night." "Oh, that's very sweet, but I want to get as far away from you as I can." "That's okay." "I just got Avatar on DVD." "So, we're all good?" "Absolutely." "All right." "I'll go get dressed." "You couldn't wait till I'm gone?" "Didn't seem to be any point." "Morning." "Morning." "Online poker?" "Live girl-on-girl porn." "Really?" "At 7:00 A.M.?" "It's not 7:00 A.M. in Copenhagen." "How can you tell?" "There's no windows." "Well, me, I like to start my day with a cup of coffee." "Instant energy, and it helps me poop." "Mm, mm, mm." "Somebody's having the breakfast of champions." "They say it's the most important meal of the day." "Oh, please tell me Courtney isn't up in your bedroom while you're looking at this stuff." "Courtney went home." "We broke up." "Oh." "And you're trying to fill the void" "Yeah." "Something like that." "So, what happened?" "Nothing happened." "It just ran its course." "Wow, that's hard to imagine." "She's so hot." "Let me tell you something, Alan." "For every gorgeous woman in the world, there's a guy out there who's tired of banging her." "But that guy's never me." "I got to get out of the house." "Maybe go to the movies." "Is Jake here?" "Uh, no." "He's having a party over at his mom's house tonight." "Oh, damn." "Did I forget his birthday?" "Oh, no, no, no." "It's just one of those teenage parties." "Uh, but for the record, his birthday was six months ago, and yes, you did forget it." "Oh, man." "How old was he?" "Sixteen." "Huh." "No wonder he keeps asking to borrow my car." "I guess I'll just go to the movies by myself." "You want some company?" "Hello?" "That's why I was asking about Jake." "Good morning, ladies." "No masturbating in the kitchen!" "What do you say we go someplace a little quieter?" "Hey, what ya working on?" "It's a jingle for a new kids' breakfast cereal." "Oh, cool." "Can I hear it?" "I guess." "Picture this over animated dancing monkeys and zebras." "Got it." "¶ Start your day with a big hooray" "¶ chocolate diddlers, chocolate diddlers" "Uh..." "Well, I like the lyric." "Uh, you know, it's kind of..." "It's upbeat, uh, celebratory." "You know, "hooray, fun, yum."" "Um, if I had a note..." "Uh, it would be the music." "What about it?" "Uh, well, it doesn't say, "yummy breakfast treat"" "so much as it says, "my puppy's dead."" "Yeah, I've been a little down lately." "I know." "I know." "But, uh..." "But keep workin' on it." "Okay." "Well, I'm off." "Where you going?" "Uh, to have drinks with Lindsey and a few of her friends." "Have a good time." "You know, you're welcome to tag along." "I mean, a couple of these women are divorced, and got a few miles on 'em, but they've been liposucked to within an inch of their lives, so they present well." "That's okay, I got to work." "You sure?" "For somebody like you, it'd be shooting fish in a barrel." "Although in this case, the fish would be 40-year-old, neurotic soccer moms, and the barrel would be a Bennigan's in Encino." "Sounds tempting, but I'll pass." "Okay, good night." "Honestly, think more bouncy." "Happy. "I love chocolate diddlers, yay!"" "Got it." "Okay, bouncy, happy." "Okay." "That's a good day's work." "Hi." "Hi." "Charlie." "Veronica." "How's life treating you, Veronica?" "Not too bad." "How about you?" "Well, that depends on which answer you want." "There's more than one?" "Well, I could give you the "everything's hunky-dory." ""I live at the beach, drive a nice car, and have a python in my pants" answer." "Or I could tell you the truth." "You have an inchworm in your pants?" "No, the python part's true." "Okay, so what is wrong with Charlie?" "All right, fine." "I'll tell you." "Two bourbons, straight up." "You want anything?" "I'm good." "I'll spare you the details of my selfish, narcissistic, soul-sucking mother, my deadbeat, oddly effeminate brother, and the future organ donor we call my nephew." "Okay." "And just to bring you up to speed on my recent romantic adventures, about this time last year, I was engaged to the greatest gal I'd ever met." "Uh-huh." "So, what went wrong?" "Hard to pinpoint." "It could've been my-my drinking, my compulsive gambling..." "Or it could've been me sleeping with her best friend." "I can see why it'd be hard to pinpoint." "I know, right?" "So, anyway, she dumped me for a nice guy, but I got right back on the horse and married a drug-addled stripper." "And that didn't work out?" "Not for the reasons you'd think." "She was already married." "Whoops." "So I figured maybe I'd take a break for a while from the dating and just see hookers." "Sure." "Yeah, I'm aware of the social stigma, but I like to think of prostitution as trickle-down economics." "Actually, it's all kind of trickle-down." "It's very republican, when you think about it." "Uh-huh." "You know what?" "I will have another drink." "So anyway, I take the moral high ground and try to break up with the 47-year-old, so I won't be tempted to hit on her hot, 20-year-old daughter." "Laudable." "But surprise, surprise, mom breaks up with me first 'cause she finds out I still have feelings for this crazy broad that stalks me." "Next thing I know, my ex-girlfriend gets out of prison, I'm right in the middle of..." "Can I stop you a sec?" "Sure." "Thank you." "For what?" "I came in here tonight because I was angry at my pig of a boyfriend." "But after listening to you," "I realize I was unfair to him." "There's something below "pig"." "Okay." "Well, I'm glad I could help." "How's life treating you?" "In what universe did I not hear everything you just said?" "Nobody likes an eavesdropper." "Dude, your party is a total sausage fest." "Hey, you're the one who said," ""Let's not invite the girls we know." "Let's meet new girls"." "Exactly." "So did you invite them?" "Who?" "The girls we don't know." "Dude, how can I invite them if I don't know them?" "Good point, dude." "Guess who brought beer!" "Oh, God." "Wow." "This is a total sausage fest." "Told you, dude." "Hey, gang, there's hot quesadillas in the kitchen." "Charlie?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "Well, I heard Jake was having a party." "I thought I'd stop by." "To hang out with a bunch of teenagers?" "Yeah, that occurred to me." "The cabdriver thought it was a good idea." "And it's a really long drive." "There's something seriously wrong with you." "Get help." "First I got to get another cab." "Taxi!" "It was nice of him to bring beer." "He's a crazy bastard, but he's got good manners." "Taxi!" "Knock, knock!" "Not a good time!" "Alan, you're supposed to say, "who's there?"" "That's okay, I'll say it." "Who's there?" "Go away, Charlie." "Go away Charlie who?" "I am very sorry." "What do you want?" "I just wanted to give you a heads-up that your ex-wife's gonna be calling you in the morning, and it's not gonna be a pretty call." "Hi, Lindsey." "Hi, Charlie." "You're a saint for having sex with my brother." "Okay." "Good night." "No, really..." "It's like taking a bird with a-a busted wing and putting him in a shoebox and feeding him with an eyedropper." "You know he's never gonna fly, but you give it your best shot." "Alan's the bird." "What are you doing?" "Just resting." "Your brother needs help." "I know." "And-and for the record, I believe I will fly again." "What do you want me to do, Judith?" "He's a drunk with a lot of money..." "You can't control people like that." "The best you can do is stay on their good side so you can inherit their house after they crap out their liver." "As a matter of fact, I have given it a lot of thought." "Oh, oh, fine, I will talk to him about it." "Okay, okay, bye." "Still think you're getting the house, huh?" "What?" "Not important." "Alan?" "Yeah?" "Why did I wake up in your bed?" "You passed out there." "Did we break any biblical laws?" "No." "Uh, Lindsey and I went up to your room." "Ew, gross." "Did you have sex in my bed?" "No." "Actually, the romance of the evening pretty much evaporated after you curled up at our feet like a drunken Labrador." "Well, that's good." "Let's play it safe and take those sheets out of rotation." "Uh, just to put it on the record," "I'm officially telling you, on behalf of my ex-wife, don't ever do that again." "Don't ever do what again?" "Doesn't matter..." "I've fulfilled my obligation." "You know, Alan," "I'm starting to think I'm not living up to my full potential." "Really?" "You think you can hump and drink even more?" "No." "Well, maybe." "The thing is, I woke up this morning and there were these little voices in my head telling me to get help." "Get help." "Your brother needs help." "I will fly again." "Better I realize it before somebody has to point it out, huh?" "Mm-hmm, no doubt." "So, what are you gonna do with this newfound insight?" "Well, I think it might be time to go back to my shrink." "Mm." "Talk about your issues." "Renew my prescriptions." "Much more in character." "Come on in, Charlie." "Thanks." "Well, it's been a while." "How you doing?" "Good." "Good." "Really?" "You usually only come to see me when your hair's on fire and someone's chasing you with gasoline." "That almost happened to me once." "Thank God I was able to pee on the matches." "So, what's going on?" "Well, I just recently broke up with this terrific gal, and I guess I've been in kind of an emotional tailspin." "Mm-hmm." "Been drinking heavier than usual?" "Just the occasional glass of wine with dinner." "Uh-huh." "And how many dinners have you had today?" "Three." "So far." "Okay." "Go on." "And it's not just this breakup." "For the last couple of years, I've been trying really hard to have a meaningful relationship." "You know, as opposed to picking up some pretty little thing for a quick bag, shag and skedaddle." ""Bag, shag and skedaddle."" "That's charming." "Anyway, no matter how hard I try to have something more lasting, more meaningful, the end result is always the same." "At some point, I got to consider the possibility that the problem might be me." "That's not a bad instinct." "I mean, if I'm doing something wrong with all these women, it'd probably be helpful if I had a clue what it was." "Well, if you had to guess, what would you say you're doing wrong?" "I don't know." "I love too much?" "Guess again." "I'm afraid of intimacy?" "Do you believe that to be true?" "Not really." "I just hear it all the time." "Dr. Phil, movies, TV shows, ex-girlfriends." "Let me ask you something." "What do you think being truly intimate with a woman is?" "Uh..." "Not using a condom?" "Wow." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I-I didn't expect that." "But what I'm trying to point you to is the kind of intimacy where you feel safe enough to be completely honest with a woman, to tell her how you really feel." "Oh, come on!" "Nobody cares how you really feel." "And what's a guy like me feel anyway?" "I'll tell you..." "Tired, hungry, horny, hungover, happy, sad and pissed off." "And sad and pissed off only come into play because I'm horny, hungry, hungover and tired." "You know what?" "Let's table the intimacy discussion for the moment and talk about your other relationships." "What other relationships?" "Well, if I recall, we've spoken at great length about your feelings towards your mother, your brother and your nephew." "Pissed off, pissed off, sad." "Sure." "How about non-familial relationships?" "What, you mean like friends?" "Yes." "Then why don't you just say friends?" "I've got the diplomas, Charlie." "I like to use them." "Okay, well, the answer to your question is, uh..." "I don't really have that many friends." "Well, how many friends would you say you have?" "You know, I'm starting to feel a little pissed off right now." "Do you have any friends, Charlie?" "Oh, come on." "I'm a grown man." "I have acquaintances." "Do you spend time with these acquaintances?" "For what?" "To talk about my feelings?" "I'm not one to indulge in a lot of chitchat unless I feel like it's gonna get me laid." "I'm just saying it might be nice to have some relationships in your life that aren't based solely on you trying to get someone into bed." "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?" "Not a clue." "Okay, now I'm pissed off and sad." "Maybe you didn't have enough dinner." "Thank you." "Are you sure you should be drinking if you're on medication?" "Nah, she wouldn't give me anything." "Said I'd abuse it." "Where does that come from?" "One more." "So, uh, did you get anything out of the session?" "Not really." "She kept saying I need to develop relationships that aren't about sex." "You know, I can see the wisdom in that." "Well, sure you can." "You didn't get laid the last nine years of a 12-year marriage." "Not true." "There were birthdays." "Let's pretend for a second the shrink is right." "What am I supposed to do?" "Just somehow go out and make new guy friends?" "Who does that?" "Couldn't hurt to try." "Hey, there." "How are you?" "Good." "You?" "I've already lost interest." "Well, I can't fault you for trying." "I mean, I'm not against having a friend in theory, but I'm a 43-year-old man who's kind of set in his ways." "Where am I supposed to go meet this new buddy?" "Did you consider you could have a woman as a friend?" "Alan, have you not been listening?" "She said no sex." "Well, if it makes you feel any better," "I don't have many friends, either." "You don't have any friends." "Yeah, well, neither do you." "But that's my choice." "You... you're just a social pariah." "And you're a malignancy on the ass of mankind." "So, you want to pick up a pizza on the way home?" "Pizza, really?" "Fine, what do you want?" "Um, I was thinking Chinese." "We just had Chinese." "How about ribs?" "Oh, great, but I'm a little low on cash." "What's "a little low" mean?" "Nothing." "All right, fine, I'll buy, but I get to pick the movie." "Oh, we don't have to watch a movie..." "I TiVo'd Glee." "Terrific." "I'm alone and miserable, and you want to torture me with hot chicks in cheerleading outfits." "Singing hot chicks." "It's wang chung week." "For God's sake, Alan." "Why don't you just put on a pair of ass-less chaps and get it over with?" "I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual." "That's just a gay man who can't get laid." "The tall blonde chick in the red tracksuit is really starting to freak me out." "Mercedes:" "I love Mercedes." "You go, girl!"