"Who the hell are you?" "It's not who so much as what." "This is a men's room." " What's your name, fella?" " I'm Shirley Schmidt." "Pardon the intrusion but one of our assistants is suing us under Title IX claiming, among other things, the men have better fixtures." "So you're Shirley Schmidt of Crane Poole ..." "Schmidt." "Alan Shore." "It's a pleasure." "[LAUGHS]" "Surely you intend to wash that first." "I keep an extremely clean penis." " I know all about you." "ALAN:" "And I you." "There's much written in stall number two." "I pictured you younger." "Much." "A smart attorney recognizes who he can or cannot rattle." "He also knows a good rattle when he sees one." "Since I'm your boss, I can't return your sexual banter but I will say, for the record, that if I were looking for a rattle he would be taller." "He'd be better looking." "He would be more evolved than a junior in high school." "I prefer the juniors in high school." "Something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish." "And judging from what I got a glimpse of in the mirror when I entered the room he would be bigger." "Much." "My, my, my." "LORl:" "She's been in New York the last three years." " She's back to get things into shape." " What things?" "Us things." "Litigation has been underperforming, Sally." " Plus our image is becoming that of..." " Denny Crane." "Exactly." "Truth is, we need a kick in the ass, and I'm glad she's back." " Ah, Lori." " Is Shirley Schmidt really back?" "Temporarily." "I need you on another matter." "It's urgent." " I'm available." " As soon as you can, please." "Why is she back?" "Evidently, Lewiston asked her to return." " Why?" " This I do not know." "I do not want Shirley Schmidt in this building." "Denny, she's a named partner." "You can't ban her presence." "I'm gonna tell you something I haven't told anybody." "I once had a torrid torrid affair with that woman." " First, everybody knows that..." " Second, the word would be "horrid."" "Shirley." "This firm isn't big enough for the two of us." "I agree." "It would be best if we could be in different cities but it's our differences, ironically, that call for me to be here now." "What differences, specifically?" "Well, for starters, I still know how to practice law." "I don't have to go around saying my name out loud in order to remember it." "I don't want you here." "Is it because you still desire me?" "Ha!" "I'm over my wrinkle fetish." " You don't arouse me, Shirley." " Oh, please." "All I have to do is say those two combustible little words:" "[WHISPERS] Denny Crane." "[DENNY GASPS]" "She's still hot." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Alan, there's a guy on the phone, isn't a client." "Picked us out of the Yellow Pages." "Said he's committed a crime, needs to speak to a lawyer." "We advertise in the Yellow Pages?" "He sounded really upset." "What should I do?" "Hmm." "[CLEARS THROAT]" " Line four?" " Yes." "This is Alan Shore." "If you're a criminal, please state your name and the nature of your crime at the tone." "MAN [OVER PHONE]:" "I killed my mother." " Sir?" "Excuse me?" "MAN:" "This is a lawyer, right?" "What I say is privileged, right?" "Might've been wise to establish that before telling me you killed Mother." " But we'll call this privileged." " It was an accident." " Now I don 't know what to do." " Okay." " Where is Mother now?" " On the kitchen floor." "Okay." "And have you called for an ambulance or...?" "She's dead." "I don 't wanna call." "Police would arrest me, wouldn 't they?" "Typically." "Why don't you give me your name and address there?" "PAUL:" "Ah." "John, this is Lori Colson." "Lori, John Zenawi, CEO of Hanley Tech." " Very nice to meet you." " My pleasure." "Please, sit." "John is a longtime client of our corporate department." "I think I've done anti-trust work for your company on occasion." "He's here today because..." "John, would you like to explain?" "I was born in Sudan." "My father transferred to the States when I was 5." "I've lived here since." "Most of my extended family remains in Sudan." "One of my cousins was murdered there last week." "I'm very sorry." "It was the 11 th family member to have been killed." "I can't begin to describe the sense of futility I feel." "I need to do something, Ms. Colson." "I've been fortunate to have made a lot of money, and I can no longer sit passively." "So as preposterous as it may sound and as expensive as it may be I want to sue the government." "Our courts wouldn't have jurisdiction over the Sudanese government." "I'm sure Paul told you that." "He's not looking to sue the Sudanese government." "I want to go after the United States." " On what grounds?" " That is what I need you to tell me." "Typically, Lori, whenever there's a case that can't be brought, I run it by you." "You call me insane, among other things more colorful you exit the room, then return the next day with a crazy idea." "We need that idea, Lori." "If I can get into court, Ms. Colson, I can make some noise." "That is what I'm desperate to do here." "Put this issue in the spotlight a little." "Create maybe an outcry of sorts." "I don't mean to sound harsh but the genocide going on in Sudan has been covered quite a bit by the press, Mr. Zenawi." "And the American people have spoken." "They don't care." "Well, I guess for my own peace of mind I need to do whatever I can." " Maddie?" " Yes." "I'm Shirley Schmidt." "I read your Title IX complaint." "It's very well drafted." "You hired an excellent attorney." " You're fired, Maddie." " You can't..." "You can't fire me for bringing a Title IX." "Are you going to sue me?" "You've already done that." "Call your persuasive lawyer." "Tell him to add a count for wrongful termination." "Bye-bye." "Ah." "By now I'm sure you've run to Paul Lewiston." "No." "I'm coming directly to you because I don't care what Paul Lewiston wants." "I'm Denny Crane." "Crane comes before Schmidt." "You refer to when we were intimate." "Shirley, I demand to know your agenda." "You always have one, so please..." "I told you my agenda, Denny." "It's to fix things." " Excuse me." "What's your name?" " Uh, Sally Heep." "Very nice outfit, Sally." "Can you spell?" "Wear something more appropriate." "Pretend you're a lawyer." "This woman happens to be an excellent attorney." "She also happens to have a name." "What is it?" "Time's up." "Bye-bye." "[WHISPERS] Denny Crane." "[DENNY GASPS]" "[DOORBELL RINGING]" " Could you please state your name?" " Alan Shore." "Um, Mr. Shore, thank you for coming." "I didn't know what to do or..." "This is a horrible thing." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Where are my manners?" "Uh, may I offer you something to drink?" "Maybe we should start with the kitchen." "Yes." "Okay." "Um..." "I apologize in advance for, you know..." " The mess." " I didn't mean for this to happen." "I don't know what to do." "See?" "I told you." "Mr. Ferrion, you really do need to call the police." " First I need to know my options." " Besides Brazil?" "Well, sometimes there's circumstances that excuse or justify." "I really need to know what's available to me." "Could you first tell me how she came to be lying dead on the floor?" " I hit her on the head with a skillet." " Ah." "Cast iron." "But it wasn't premeditated or planned." " It was just..." " One of those things." "She was berating me like she does all the time." "How I don't make enough money." "How I'm weak." "All the time, the same litany of how I am a failure." "It makes me so enraged." "Sounds like an accidental skillet bopping so far." "She kept on and on and I kept squeezing it tighter and tighter without even realizing it." "And then I swung." "But I swear, Mr. Shore, I never decided to." "Suddenly, my arm was in motion." "Bam, I hit her, and she went down." "What do I do?" "I certainly can't advise you to conceal evidence in any way." "But I'm afraid you have to call the police, Mr. Ferrion." " And if you don't, I'll have to." " But you're my lawyer." " I understand, but..." " What am I gonna tell them?" "DELLA:" "Ah." "FERRION:" "Oh!" " I thought you said she was dead." " She is." "I checked her pulse." "Sometimes the air remaining inside the body escapes causing..." "You need not call the police, Mr. Ferrion." "Call for an ambulance." "Mother is still alive." "Would you like to hit her again?" "Did I witness any of it?" "Mr. Zenawi, before I can figure out if there's a claim I first need to satisfy standing." "It would certainly help if we could make out a case for you specifically." "Legally, we have a term called "zone of danger."" "Basically, if you are in harm's way yourself." "That's why I ask if you ever witnessed any of it." "I heard it once." " You heard it?" " This past summer, I was with relatives." "We were celebrating one my uncle's birthdays." "The army showed up, and, um, they, uh..." "They accosted us." "Accosted you by...?" "They told us we were slaves." "That we had no right to be in the country." "That, um, we were occupying grazing land for their cattle." "My uncle protested." "They took him behind a barn structure and set him on fire." "We all heard the screams." "Then they raped one of my cousins." "Does that set out a case for me specifically?" "To listen to your, um uncle being burned to death?" "Your cousin being raped?" "It's not that I am not relieved." "I am." "I certainly do love her." "But what if she tells?" "You should've used a bigger frying pan." "Mr. Ferrion, did you see what happened?" "No." "Um she was on a stool putting some things away." "I went upstairs to have a bath." "I heard a crash." "I came running back, and she is on the floor unconscious." " Hmm." "And you are...?" " This is, uh, Alan Shore." "He's a friend of the family." "Bernie, you surprise me." " Is she gonna be okay?" " We don't know, sir." " I have a crazy idea." " Already?" "Mm-hm." "In tort law, you see a guy lying in the street you have no obligation to pull over and help." "But if you do pull over, you incur a duty to complete that rescue." "The theory being other would-be rescuers pass by thinking help is already on the scene." "And?" "The United States has declared a war on terrorism." "We talked the talk when it comes to Sudan." "We've even given financial aid." "Our theory of law would be analogous." "Other countries have stayed out thinking America is stepping in when we're not." "[SIGHS]" "It's not a winner." "But perhaps colorable enough to sue and make noise." "Go draft the complaint." "And?" "Thank you." "Hmm." "SHIRLEY:" "Lori Colson." "You slut." " How are you, Shirley?" " Old, rich." "You look great." " So who are we sleeping with?" " Oh, usual suspects." " You back for good?" " Just for bad." "Wanna grab a beer later and do a little debriefing?" "Love it." " You look awesome, by the way." " I know." "I certainly don't mind him talking to you." "He already has." "But if I let him take a polygraph I could be sued for malpractice." "How is it exactly you came to be here, Mr. Shore?" "I drove." "Bernie's a friend." "I'm here as his friend." "And since I am a lawyer..." "Come on." "There's no sign of a struggle." "She slipped and fell and hit her head on either the table or counter or stool, floor." "Your experts will figure it out." "He'd like to go to the hospital to be with his mother." "Can I tell him he can do that?" "[OFFICERS CHATTERING]" "Tell him not to leave the jurisdiction." "WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:" "Delta 114, domestic disturbance." "I heard some of that." "Do they suspect me?" "It's crossed their minds." "Well, you should know that if you're gonna pass yourself off as my friend..." "You did that, Bernie." "You should know that my friends call me Bernard." "Ah." "I guess that would make me your special friend." "Tell me, Bernie." "What exactly became of the skillet?" "You weren't expecting them to throw a parade for you, were you?" "No." "But if I get too much resistance I assume I'm permitted to bring my big broom out of the closet." "That how you get around?" "On your big broom?" "Shirley, this is Alan Shore." " We've met." " Yes." "Shirley was in the men's room." "Inspecting his fixtures." "I'm a micromanager." "Mr. Shore?" " I thought you were going to the hospital." " I did." "We have a little problem." "Excuse me." "I have a client." "Maybe we can catch up later, Shirley." "Good." "You can tell me about your products." "An excellent lawyer." " Lf I determine he should go?" " He goes." "FERRION:" "She's vegetative." "The doctors think it's 50-50 if she'll come out of it." "In the meantime and, uh, I say this with a heavy heart..." "Of course." "My mother used to be a Christian Scientist, as did I." "She hasn't been one for years, but I..." "I let it slip out to the doctors that she recently rededicated herself to the faith." "And they've made inquiries as to her position on medical treatment." "I really don't think she would want to be on a respirator as much as it pains me to admit." "You let it slip out that your mother is a born-again Christian Scientist?" "May I ask, did your mother rededicate herself to Christian Science before or after you hit her on the head with the skillet?" "I don't appreciate that question." "What are you asking me for, Bernie?" "Again, as much as it pains me I'd like you to safeguard her religious freedom." "LORl:" "We filed last night." "U.S. Attorney's Office didn't waste time." "They brought a 12b6." " Sovereign immunity." " This may be our one day in court." "Therefore our one day to make noise." "We've put out a release." "There should be media." " I'd like to make a big showing." " Should we get Denny?" " Uh, maybe not that big." " It'll help to have him at the table." "Shirley, I want you to think back and tell me who is the best attorney you have ever seen in court?" "Me." "We need to survive a 12b6 on a pretty untenable claim." " Would you join us for oral arguments?" " What's the claim?" "We're suing the United States government for the genocide taking place in Sudan." "What's so untenable about that?" "This is why I love her." "Alan, we're making a show of force on a high-profile matter." "Could you join us for a motion this morning?" "I'd love to." "But I have a client who hit his mother with a skillet." "We're trying to take her off life-support and the police brought action to keep her breathing." "By the way, my fixtures remain available for further inspection." "Paul." "He's funny." "Denny, may we borrow your prowess for a motion this morning?" "Why did you bring Shirley back here?" " Because we need her." " Well, then go borrow her prowess." "It was a betrayal." "Calling her back here says I'm not enough." "Can you get that?" "I can." "Then why did you do it?" "You're not enough." "I still matter, my friend." "Yes, you do." "Which is why I asked you to be present for this motion." "There's another problem you don't know about." "Which is?" "[SIGHS]" "That woman she's hot for me." "[SIGHS]" "Certainly there's a state interest in preserving life." "If a patient wishes to refuse treatment based on religious..." " First of all, we don't know that." " Objection." "Can't preface your second point with "first of all."" "This woman has forsaken Christian Science." " We have no assurance..." " According to her son..." "Who might be a suspect if we determine foul play." "We're dealing with a potential homicide." "If the goal is to charge homicide it makes little sense to keep the victim alive." "I object to this smugness." "A human life is at stake here." "ALAN:" "The family of Della Ferrion is here today saying it is her wish not to be kept alive on a respirator." "It is simply too early to make that call." "She could recover." "The issue isn't recovery." "It's religious freedom." "Which is sacred in this country, unless, of course, you're Muslim." "I'm gonna cut you off." "We've just received word from the hospital." "Mrs. Ferrion has evidently regained consciousness." "[CHATTERING]" "Excellent." "[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]" "WOMAN:" "Here they are." "[CHATTERING]" "No comment." "We have no comment at this time." "We'll be making a comment after the motion." "Denny Crane." "I eat Cocoa Puffs." "Denny Crane." "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs." "Denny Crane." "ATTORNEY:" "They're seeking damages for acts committed by a foreign government against a foreign citizenry." "There's no jurisdiction here, no standing." "And even if there were any such lawsuit would be barred by sovereign immunity which prohibits the U.S. Government from being sued for foreign-policy decisions." "Ms. Colson, I have to agree." "How do I not toss this on its face?" "LORl:" "First, the United States government, through Congress ratified the UN convention against genocide." "The government's failure to stop the genocide in Sudan violates both U.S. Law and policy." " We have not failed." "We have..." "LORl:" "You're arguing the merits." "Which I'm happy to do, but it means a trial." "If a government begins a rescue operation which stops other countries from pursuing that rescue that government can be held liable for failing to complete that rescue." "Never." "Never has the government attempted any rescue mission in Sudan." "Your Honor, may I?" "We know this lawsuit is a bit of a stretch." "Hmm." "You understate it." "But the truth is our country puts it out there." ""We will root out terrorism wherever it thrives."" "We elect our presidents on that theme." "We go to war over it." "Wherever oppression abounds, we get involved." "It's almost become a motto." "No one here denies an ethnic genocide is taking place in Sudan." "Arab militia are wiping out the black population of Darfur." "Am I boring you?" "Ms. Schmidt, the court recognizes the atrocity." "Why should the United States be held liable?" "Well, if we're not going to do anything about it maybe we should just say so." "Lord knows the world will understand." "We've certainly got our hands full." "But when our leaders do their bipartisan puffing saying the genocide must end other countries think we're going to do something they stay out of it, and nothing gets done while millions of people are being persecuted." "Maybe, as a compromise, we could just get the U.S. Government to declare, for the record:" ""Hey, not our problem."" "That way, the world would be on notice somebody else should play hero." "I could try to sell that to my client." " Mr. Joyner?" "JO YNER:" "The United States' response to an ethnic genocide is not gonna be, "Hey, not our problem."" "See, this is how other countries get confused." "We're satisfied the judge took it under advisement." "It demonstrates a recognition on her part that we have a colorable cause of action." "Did you understand a word that was said?" "Just go with it." "Denny Crane." "Trix are for kids." "Glad to meet you." " Did he just say, "Trix are for kids"?" " He did." "DOCTOR:" "She's very weak, of course, and quite sedated." " Can I talk to her?" " For a minute or two." "I'd like her to rest." "Mom?" "Mom?" "[GASPS]" "It's me, Bernard." "[SIGHS]" "Bernard." "Doctors say you're gonna be just fine." " You just need to rest, Mother." " My Bernard." "He hit me on the head." "I think with a skillet." "Ma, what are you talking about?" " You fell." " You tried to kill me." "She's a Chatty Cathy." "If we're going to work together, we should reach some kind of accord." "I don't want to." "That's the whole point." " Can you tell me why?" " First, you're a liberal." "Yes." "Besides that?" "I figured out what you were doing today." "You were Bush-bashing." " I assure you I wasn't." " You made war comments." "When a liberal makes comments about the war they're Bush-bashing." "It's un-American." " To criticize a president?" " While he's in office, yes." "Denny, you and I go way back." "I know you." "Your aversion to my return has nothing to do with politics." "Can we talk about it?" "You left me, Shirley." "Women don't leave Denny Crane." "And for a secretary?" " It was the secretary of defense." " It doesn't matter." "I have an image." "One could even say I'm all image." "One could." "Imagine the fun of working together again." "It won't be fun." "There's only room for one at the mountaintop." "It's my mountain." "LORl:" "Denny." " The judge just called us back." " Already?" "Any way that could be a good sign?" "I was hoping to at least survive until the 6:00 news." "[SIREN WAILING]" " They called the police?" " I'm afraid so." " What do I do?" "What do I do?" " Well, Brazil comes back to mind." "Bernie, listen to me." "If you were overcome, like you say, when this happened..." "I was." "I obviously had problems with her, Mr. Shore but I truly never intended to kill her." "I did not consciously..." "If we could show heat of passion..." "I've never broken a law in my life." "She just got me so enraged." "God, my life is over." "DOCTOR:" "Mr. Ferrion?" " What?" "I, um..." "I'm very sorry to tell you your mother has passed away." "I beg your pardon?" "She went back to sleep, and she just quietly passed." "To be honest I might have a hard time finding Sudan on the map." "I certainly know they've got big problems." "Innocent people murdered every day, systemic rape, many of them children." "The worst humanitarian crisis in the world." "Please don't say "but."" "But why does every crisis automatically fall to the United States to solve?" "We've got Iraq, Iran, North Korea." "And these are people who might murder us." "We're supposed to tend to a bunch of Africans killing each other?" "Why?" "Because we're Americans?" "The answer is yes." "Because we're Americans." "Because we're a nation, perhaps the nation that's supposed to give a damn." "What's going on is an organized extermination of an entire race of people." "We're the country that's supposed to give a damn." "Ms. Schmidt, Ms. Colson your claim here most likely won't survive summary judgment and maybe the American people don't care about what's happening over there but for today, here, now at least one federal-court judge does." "Defendant's motion to dismiss denied." "[PEOPLE CLAPPING AND CHATTERING]" " I can't believe it." " Neither can I." "L..." "I thought perhaps I'd be relieved if she died." "But the truth is, um she's all I really had." "I lived with her." "I can't believe she's gone." "She looks at peace." "Though she did on the kitchen floor, as well." "Mr. Shore, can you make room for the possibility that I both killed my mother and I'm devastated to lose her?" "[CRYING]" "I can." "FERRION:" "I'm so sorry." "Mother, I'm so sorry." "DETECTIVE:" "Bernard Ferrion?" " That's me." " Kidding." " I'm Bernard Ferrion." "You're under arrest for the murder of Della Ferrion." " Hands behind your back." " Yes, sir." "You have the right to remain silent." "Anything you say can and will be used against you." "You have the right to have an attorney present before questioning." "If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you." "You can also waive your right to silence..." "Three-two-six-one-one." "Commonwealth v. Ferrion, charge of murder in the first." "Alan Shore." "We'll waive reading." "I'd ask that my client be released on his own recognizance." "Opposed." "The man is charged with homicide." " Bail would certainly..." " He has no record." " He would be a threat." "ALAN:" "Nonsense." "He only kills mothers, allegedly, and he's fresh out of them." "Bail is set at $ 1 million." "Let's conference tomorrow at 9 a.m." " We'll set up a trial schedule." " One second, Your Honor." "It seems there's been a terrible mistake." "My client never should've been arrested." " Because?" "ALAN:" "Well, there's no evidence." "According to the police report there's been no determination of cause of death, no witnesses." "Victim identified the defendant as the killer." " Hearsay." " It was a dying declaration therefore an exception to the rule." "For the exception to apply, the declarant must know she is about to die when making the statement." "Mrs. Ferrion was told she was going to survive." "She never thought for a second she was gonna die." "Even so, for her to incriminate her own son would be a declaration against her interest which would qualify as an exception to the hearsay rule." "I refer Your Honor to Officer Coulier's interviews with the neighbors at the bottom of the page." "Mr. Ferrion was reportedly verbally abused by his mother." "She'd blame him for anything that went wrong in her life." "She was blaming him for the bump on her head." "It was not a declaration against her interest, just more of the same." "The court cannot be satisfied as to its reliability." "The hearsay rule applies." "Is this all you've got, the statement of the victim?" "We'll get more." "Well, when you do, you can refile." "Right now, you've got nothing." "Victim's statement is inadmissible." "The charges against Mr. Ferrion are dismissed without prejudice." "I can't believe it." "I just..." "I can't believe it." "It's been an exciting week." " You think they'll be back for me?" " I don't think they'll get the evidence." "Which I can see brings you right back to..." "I can't believe it." "May I say something else?" "I see in you, Bernie, an innately kind person." "A man whose docile, gentle nature was worn down by a relentlessly mean, dark-hearted woman." "I could be wrong but I'm hoping it's the kind, gentle person who goes on from here not the one who swung that skillet." "Oh." "Um, I promise you with all my heart." "You don't have to worry about that." "Bernie, through your grief, which I know is very real try to see this as an opportunity." "For once, finally you get to live your life free of Mother." "MAN [ON TV]:" "Now to international news." "According to the United Nation 's secretary general, Kofi Annan one in three people in Darfur now requires lifesaving assistance due to either violence or malnutrition." "Efforts to negotiate a peaceful solution to the underlying..." " What you doing?" " Watching the news." " CBS just declared Bush the winner." " Hmm." " Cheers." " Cheers." "I see our little case is getting play." "Do you think it could actually make a difference?" "I remember reading when the press went to Bosnia people rejoiced at the sight of American media." "They figured if word got out something would be done." "Murders and rapes would stop." "They waited, and they waited and nobody came." "Maybe we need Sudan to attack us." "We might fall short as humanitarians, but we're pretty good avengers." "If you don't mind, I'll cling to the idea we're still pretty decent humanitarians." " What's that?" " I don't know." "I thought it was from you." "I was waiting to open it." "Mm-mm." "It's not from me." ""Objects in mirror are bigger than they appear."" "He's funny." "He's also trouble, isn't he?" "DENNY:" "She's big trouble." " Did she break your heart?" "She might have." "So what?" "I've had my heart broken lots of times." "It stings for a minute." "I would think it would be fun to have her back." "I don't know about you, but when I travel going to new places isn't always as interesting as revisiting some of the old ones." "What is it that has you so balled up?" "She isn't slipping, that's what." "You're worried about her seeing you age?" "You might not believe this but I was once a very remarkable man." "Denny." "Denny." "You're a remarkable man." "Between you and me that woman is too much for me." "Between you and me, we'll take her." "I'd like that." "I'd like that." "NARRATOR:" "Next on Boston Legal:" "I am very disappointed." "I gave you a terrific speech." "You've mooted it by committing murder again." "How can you come in here and in one week fire someone you don't know?" "I'm Schmidt." "Is this woman some psycho-witch or something?" " Actually, no." "She's extremely nice." " Lori, can I steal you for a second?" "Dibs on her office." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH SDH]"