"Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, mkay?" "!" "Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!" "Eric, why would you do such a thing?" "I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole." "You know that's not the point!" "Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw." "And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg." "That's very naughty, Eric." " Well he called me chubby!" "We have tried at this school to make Eric understand that there are boundaries, mkay?" "!" "But frankly, we believe his behavioral problems start at home!" "I know." "I know he's out of control." "But... you don't know what it's like." "I'm sorry." "It's just that..." "he seems to get worse every day." "He just never listens." "Well nice goin', asshole!" "You made my mom cry!" "It's not him, it's you, Eric." "I don't know what to do with you." "Sure you do." "You're a great mom." "Who's got the greatest mom in the world?" "I do." "My mom is number one in my heart." "It's true!" "My mom's the best mom, better than your mom." "It's singing together in harmony." "Mrs. Cartman, I know this is extremely difficult but there is help out there for people like you." "Have you ever heard of a show called Nanny 911?" "They're every parent's worst nightmare." "Shut up!" "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "Kids completely out of control." "Look, I'm skating, I'm skating!" "It's time to call Nanny 911." "We've gathered a team of world-class nannies to help families in crisis." "Parents of America, help is on the way!" "Tonight..." " Mom, I need another energy drink!" "This eight year old son of a single parent just won't behave." "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!" "And Nanny Stella is selected to set him straight." "It's time for Nanny Stella to show Eric Cartman his ways are not going to be tolerated anymore!" "Mom, are you deaf?" "!" "Somebody's at the door!" "Yes." "I think it's the nanny, boopsiekins." "Killer." "I'm gonna be on TV now." "Hello." "I'm Nanny Stella." "Oh, thank you so much for coming." "Please come in." "And you must be Eric." "Mom, I want a Twinkie." " All, all right dear." "Hold on, Mrs. Cartman." "There are going to be some rule changes around here, Eric." "First of all, no video games until chores are done." "Hah!" "Hahahaha!" "I'm serious." "Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen." "No thanks, I'd rather naught." "Right." "Then I'm going to have to take it." "The hell do you think you're doing?" " Come on." "This video game is going right here on the counter until we've done some chores." "Now, first thing we're going to do is make your bed." "Eric, no!" "This is not acceptable!" "Stop trying to bogart my X-Box, you fat bitch!" "All right, that's it!" "You're going to time-out!" "Time out?" "Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you are going to sit on this stool for five minutes." "And what exactly keeps me on the stool?" "It's the time-out stool." "You can't get down until the time is up." "Whoa, how did I do that?" "Eric, you have to stay in time-out!" "Ummm, no?" "Come on, you don't have a choice." "All right, seriously, you're starting to piss me off now." "Eric, you need to listen to me." "This is very important." "I am getting down to eye level with Eric so that I can talk to him on his level." "Eric, you need to understand why you are being punished." "All right?" "I'm just gonna get down as soon as you move." "Well then, I'll just have to stand right here!" "Oh!" "He spit in my mouth!" "Yeah, it's best to avoid his level." "All right!" "I've dealt with this before!" "We just need to use psychology on him!" "Don't stop believing." "Hold on to that feeling." "Eric, can I just talk to you for a quick second?" "Why are you so angry?" " Because you took my X-Box." "Is this about more than your video game?" "Are you feeling angry at me because you think I'm here to change your life?" "Well, yeah." "And you're feeling like I have no right to come in and tell you how to live." "Yeah." "I guess so." "See this?" "You have to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings." "What else are you feeling, Eric?" "Well, I'm feeling confused, because I don't understand why you became a nanny." "Me?" "Well, it's because I love children, like you." "Right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy?" "Oh, I just never had kids." " Why not?" "It... just... didn't happen." "You're sterile, is that it?" "No, that's too convenient of an excuse." "The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you." "Isn't that it?" "Always the mom's maid and never the mom?" "Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away." "Your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away." "Drying up, becoming totally worthless." "Why you, you... you little bastard!" "How dare you?" "!" "Eric, naughty." " What kind of monster would" "Yes, let the anger come!" "Strike me down while you can!" "But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!" "That's it!" "I'm not doing this!" "Oh, but we really need some help." "Find yourself another nanny... televison show!" "Coming up next, it's Super Nanny!" "Where other nannies fail, Nanny Jo comes through." "This child's behavior is totally unacceptable!" "But there's no trial too tough for Super Nanny!" "In just three days' time you're going to see a new Eric Cartman." "Three Days Later" "Slater-Carey Mental Hospital" "I'm afraid Super Nanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis." "What do you mean?" "I mean, she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement." "From heeell!" "It's from heeell!" "Oh dear." "I don't know what else to do about my son's behavioral problems." "We've been through every nanny reality show on television." "Wull there... is..." "one more show you could still try." "Dog Whisperer" "When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend." "Cesar Millan." "No dog is too much for me to handle." "I rehabilitate dogs, I train people." "I am the dog wheesperer." "Please, come in." "So tell me what are the problems you are having with the child?" "Well, he's just... out of control." "I mean, he never listens to me and he pretty much runs my life." "So the child needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the house." "You can stop talkin' behind my back, I'm right here, fruitcake." "See I'm not looking at the child, I'm not acknowledging the child." "I'm just letting the child know I'm not interested in him." "Not interested im me?" "See the child thinks your world revolves around him, because it does." "Because everything he does gets a response from you." "Yeah, well I don't see why" "Hey!" "Don't look at the child, just keep looking at me." "Let, let him know we are having a conversation." "Mom, this guy doesn't" "Ah!" "Quit it!" " What what is it that you're doing?" "Dogs show their dominance by nipping each other on the neck but it works equally well on a child." "I just use two fingers, nip at the child's neck, doesn't hurt the child just let him know I am dominant." "Look, Mexican, if you really think that you can" "Knock it off!" "See, I'm not validating his bad behavior with either negative or positive response." "Oh, that's very interesting." "I think the first thing we need to work on is getting the child some exercise." "He's fat and he has all this pent-up energy that" "I'm not fat!" " We need to let him burn off." "Do you take walks with your son?" " Well, no, I don't." "Go on, take your son for a walk." "Ey!" "You think this is funny, you sonofabitch?" "Once again, I am the one going for a walk." "It's about me, the child is lucky to come along." "Mom, this is degrading!" "Agh!" "Goddamnit!" "Aaarrgh!" "Don't look at him, just look straight ahead and he'll run out of evergy soon." "Maaaa." "Mommm." "Mommm." "Here, why don't you try it now." "Take your son." "Mom, seriously, people are seeing me!" "Good." "Just keep your confidence, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead." "The child can pick up on that confidence learning he's supposed to follow you, not lead you." "Mom, don't you love me?" "Can't you see I'm unhappy right now?" "Mom!" "Good, Ms. Cartman." "Very good!" "And now, back to the Dog Whispererrrrr." "It is important to understand that dogs run in packs." "And one dog is always dominant, the pack leader." "God damnit, stop ignoring me!" "You must assert yourself as pack leader with dominant energy." "Ah allright." "This is abuse!" "I am a child, and I am entitled to attention!" "Quit it, mom!" "It doesn't seem to work as well when I do it." "Okay, let me show you how to express the dominant energy." "What I have done is I have brought over some Kentucky Fried Chicken." "Ooo, Colonel?" "I am going to eat first, because that is what the pack leader does." "Give, give me the chicken." "Give me some chicken." "Eh, what are you doing?" "I want chicken!" "Give me some Goddamned chicken!" "I am not going to acknowledge the child's attempt at aggressive dominant behavior." "Now you eat the chicken." "Mom, gimme, give me some chicken." "I want some chicken, Mom!" "We won't reward him until he's in a calm submissive behavior." "Goddamnit, I am not a dog!" "Give me the chicken." "Give, give, give me the chicken." "I want the chicken!" "Chicken!" "We need him to become relaxed and submissive." "Okay, I'm fine." "I'm cool now." "May I have some chicken please?" "Oh, very good, sweetie." "Oh no, now he's lying." "You can tell from his stance he's still aggressive-dominant." "Suck my asshole, taco vendor!" " See?" "Goddamnit, you can't stand here and eat KFC in front of me!" "Now hand it over!" "You can't do that to me, I" "Goddamnit, you just can't" "Seriously!" "Ey?" "Eh..." "I am not being aggressive, I am being dominant." "Wow, I have a lot to learn." "Mom, I am serious!" "This has gone on long enough!" "Get that guy out of here and give me a piece of chicken!" "That's how you want it, bitch?" "!" "Fine!" "I hate you!" "I'm running away!" "Oh, dear." "It's okay, this is all part of the domance struggle." "But what if he does run away." " Let him go." "He'll be back." "This a good opportunity for you to relax and enjoy your favorite hobby." "Oh boy, Park Avenue!" "I'm rich!" "Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news." "I ran away from home." "Yeah, my mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so I moved out." "She didn't even try to stop me." "It's gonna be tough livin' on my own." "But I'll get by, somehow." "You can't stay here." "Maybe you didn't hear me!" "I ran away!" "I don't have anywhere to sleep!" "I'm out on the street!" "You're not staying at my house either." "All right, that's fine!" "Butters, I'll crash with you." "No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore." "Well what do you guys expect me to do?" "!" "Stay at Kenny's house?" "!" "His family's totally poor." "I'm not staying with poor people!" "All right, I'll stay with Kenny." "Let's go, man." "Fuck you." "Och!" "Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be!" "When the chips are down you won't even lend a hand!" "I'll just go sleep on the street somewhere!" "Out in the cold!" "Probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities!" "You guys'll be sorry when I turn up dead!" "Whoopie!" "G and R Railroad!" "Hey Jimmy." "You're not gonna believe this, but..." "I ran away from home." "I just..." "I really need the support of my best friend right now." "Who is your best friend?" "You are, Jimmy!" "We've always been best friends." "We know everything about each other." "What's my last name?" "Goddamnit!" "Craig, dude, I ran away from home." "You're the first person I came to." "I knew you'd take me in off the streets." "But I hate you." "Should that really matter at a time like this?" "This is bullcrap!" "Mom'll break soon." "I can outlast her." "All right, I'm back." "Oh Eric, I'm so happy you're home." "Yes, well, hopefully you've learned your lesson!" "I've come back, but there's going to be some changes around here." "Look what I did, Eric." "I learned how to make Sumie paintings." "I had almost forgotten how artistic I was." "That's super-interesting." "But I've been out living in the streets for almost four hours!" "Make me something to eat." "Cesar..." " How is the painting going?" "Aw, Goddamnit!" "Oh look it came back." " Yup, just like you said he would." "What is he still doing here?" "!" "He said he's hungry." "What should I do?" " Well let's feed it." "What the hell is this?" "!" "Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?" "!" "This is just like Auschwitz!" "This is more aggressive-dominant behavior." "Don't nurture it." "Oh my God." "Bite-size Snickers?" "That's it." "I'm calling child-protective services!" "Come on, Ms. Cartman, you must become pack leader." "What do you do?" "Eric, if you don't want to eat then why don't you go brush your teeth and go to bed?" "!" "Nooo, you're asking him a favor." "Don't ask a favor, dominate!" "Mom, I want this guy out of here!" "You got it?" "If he's not gone, in two minutes, I will call social services on you!" "You project the dominant energy and he will pick up on it." "I promise." "Shoulder back, head high, don't reason with it don't argue with it, just dominate it." "I am your son and you will listen to me!" "You have no right to" "Mon, know it off!" "I'm not gonna stand for th" "Seriously!" "Mom" "Why are you... doing this?" "Mom?" "!" "Mom?" "Mom..." "I did it!" "You see?" "You're calm, assertive and in control." "Oh..." "Oh my gosh!" "See?" "This is the behavior we've been looking for." "This is a relaxed, submissive state." "He's never done this before." "Good." "Now you can reward the behavior with praise and attention." "I love you very much, poopsiekins." "You're Mommy's sunshine." "Now you can give him a snack." "Good, this is reeally good." "Now try a command." "Eric, I want you to go upstairs and brush your teeth." "Then I'll be up to read you a story before bed." "Oh my goodness." "I can't believe it." "This is a great first step, but you're gonna have to stay firm and confident." "You are the pack leader now." " I am the pack leader!" "Now before you go read your son his story let's go enjoy a nice quiet cup of tea." "Sounds divine!" "Who does she think telling me to go brush my teeth?" "!" "Jesus." "What's happening to me?" "So, how is your son doing, Ms. Cartman?" "Oh, he's been amazing, Cesar." "He got an A on his last spelling test and a B+ in history." "He's losing weight and he's doing what I tell him." "Thats great!" "The best part is I'm not letting him boss me around anymore." "I could have never come out and have a nice lunch on a Saturday afternoon with a friend before." "Good, Ms. Cartman, sounds like you're treating your son like a son and not like a friend." "There's just one problem, he still fights me every step of the way." "I feel like he's doing what I tell him but that inside he's still the same angry spoiled child." "Don't worry." "When you correct the behavior, eventually you will see a change in the personality." "Oh Cesar, I'm so happy to have you in my life." "Guys, listen up." "I really need your help this time." "I've thought about it a lot and I've decided I have to kill my mom." "Kill your mom?" "She doesn't let me wear whatever I want anymore." "Things have really gotten out of hand!" "My mom must die so I can have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life." "She's like Hitler with all the demands she makes." "Dude, have you lost more weight?" " Yes!" "I've lost almost ten pounds now." "You see what I mean?" "I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now!" "I have to kill my mom." "It's my only way out." "Dude, don't kill your mom." "That's not cool." "She's Hitler!" "Would you have killed Hitler if you had the chance?" "!" "All right now, here's the plan." "At 9:45 tonight I will sneak out of my room and leave the house leaving the back door unlocked." "You guys come into the house at 10:30 p.m. sharp having given me enough time to get down to Perkins to be seen by everyone there." "And then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom." "Dude, we're not killing your mom." "Well I can't kill her." "I'm too obvious a suspect." "Now, when you reach her room, Butters will keep a lookout while Kenny opens the bedroom door, Kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head and Stan shoots her in the face." "Where am I supposed to get a gun?" " Well I don't know." "That's your job, Stan!" "Do I have to think of everything here?" "!" "I'm not shooting anybody." "Okay, fine." "Butters, you cover my mom's head with a pillow and Kyle can shoot her in the face." "No, Cartman!" "Oh!" "Well how about I do everything?" "!" "How does that sound?" "!" "I'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games?" "!" "Fine!" "I'll do it by myself!" "You forced me to do this!" "You couldn't just love me as a son." "You just had to humiliate and degrade me with your rules." "I won't let you dominate my life anymore!" "Goodbye, Mother." "Wait." "Maybe I don't have the right to kill my mom." "No!" "She's my mom, I can do whatever I want with her!" "It's more important that I live the way I want!" "She isn't an object you can own." "She's a human being." "She isn't an object you can own." "She's a human being." "No, she's just... out to make you suffer!" "Maybe all these changes are good for me." "Maybe..." "The world doesn't revolve around me?" "Maybe the world doesn't revolve around me." "The world doesn't revolve around me!" "Idiot!" "Why Eric, you made your own breakfast." "Yeah Mom, it's okay." "It's grapefruit and lean han." "And you're studying before school?" "Well, you told me I had to review my homework before class started." "Oh, Eric." "I'm very proud of you." "Tha... thank you?" "I love you, sweetie." "'K Mom, you're embarrassing me, jeez." "Cesar." "I'm so happy you're back." "How is the child doing?" "Oh, he's amazing." "I think the change in personality happened." "He's doing things for himself now and he seems to be accepting it." "I've lost a best friend, but I've gained a son." "That's much healthier for him and when he gets older he'll be able to be your friend too." "You're the best, Cesar." "and to show my gratitude I've got two tickets for you and me to see Madame Butterfly this Friday night." "Well no, my work is done." "I've got to get back to Los Angeles." "Oh..." "But I thought we were becoming friends." "No, not really." "You're just a client." "Well, good luck to you." "Gotta go." "I cleared up the table, Mom." "I'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now." "Eric, how would you like to go with me to see Madame Butterfly Friday night?" "No, that's okay." "Besides, I told Stan and Kyle we could work on our science project then." "Well, what if I took you to Kentucky Fried Chicken afterward?" "And then we'll go to Target and I buy you a Mega Ranger." "Could I... perhaps have..." "two Mega Rangers?" "Yes, darling." "You can have whatever you want." "Transcipt: spscriptorium Sync:" "John Smith aka muter" "Cya, untill part II of season 10"