"(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)" "BEEFEATER:" "Admiral Collingwood!" "Well, Admiral?" "Great news, Your Majesty!" "The French are defeated at last." "Also the Russians, the Portuguese, the Chinese and the Welsh." "Then our navy rules the ocean." "Almost entirely, Your Majesty." ""Almost"?" "(STAMMERING) Unfortunately, just here, we're still having a little trouble with... (GULPS) ...pirates." "What does it say on my royal crest, Admiral?" ""I hate pirates,"" "ma'am." "Exactly." "Hate them." "With their idiotic shanties!" "And their ridiculous hats!" "And their endless, blasted roaring!" "I want them sunk, Admiral!" "Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks." "Do you hear me?" "I hate pirates!" "It's the looting." "It's the cutlasses." "It's the looting!" "It's the cutlasses!" "Looting!" "Cutlasses!" "(GLASS SHATTERS)" "Looting!" "(PUNCH SMACKS)" "Oh!" "(ACCORDION CLANKS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(PIRATES GRUNTING)" "(PIRATES GASP) (ALL QUIET)" "Sorry, Captain." "We were just discussing what's the best bit about being a pirate." "Oh, YOU were, were you?" "I suggested it might be the looting." "Whereas I contend it's the shiny cutlasses." "And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases." "Hmm." "Well, you're, all of you, wrong." "The best bit about being a pirate isn't the looting or the cutlasses." "It's not the grog or the scurvy." "Or the scantily clad mermaids." "The best bit about being a pirate is Ham Night!" "(CHEERING)" "Ham Night!" "(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)" "PIRATE:" "Ham Night!" "ALL:" "Ham!" "(CHEERING, EXCITED CHATTER CONTINUES)" "(LAUGHTER)" "PIRATE:" "On your nose." "Go, Captain." "Go, Captain." "Hey!" "Hey!" "(PANTS RIP) Ooh!" "(MUSIC ENDS)" "It's like a meat ballet." "To Ham Night!" "Ham!" "And to the Pirate Captain!" "Pirate Captain!" "Pirate Captain!" "(CHEERING)" "How was that, Number Two?" "You've still got it, Captain." "I'd take a jellyfish in the face for that man." "Okay, now, shush, shush, shush." "Settle down, lads." "Shush." "Lads, lads." "Pirates!" "It's not all about me." "Don't be modest." "No, no, no." "Behind every captain with glittering eyes and a luxuriant beard..." "Luxuriant!" "That's what it is." "(CHEERING) ...there's a crew of briny rogues." "Briny rogues!" "Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber." "Will you get away with ya?" "Some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate." "And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat." "But you're still the best crew a captain could wish for." "(CHEERING) Oh, oh!" "Don't forget Polly." "And not forgetting, never forgetting Polly." "The finest parrot to sail the seven seas." "Come on, girl." "ALBINO PIRATE:" "I love her beady eyes." "Who's the feathery heart and soul of our boat?" "Is it you?" "Is it you?" "Yes, it is." "Yes, it is." "It's definitely you, isn't it?" "Yes, it is." "Yes, it is." "Right. (STUTTERS) Where was I?" "Ah, yes!" "Ah, yes." "Important announcement." "(GASPS) PIRATE:" "Ooh!" "Shh-shh, shh-shh!" "By order of the Pirate King himself... (ALL GASP)" "(DRUMROLL)" "(GAS PS)" "The Pirate of the Year Awards?" "(HIGH-PITCHED) Are you going to... (DEEP VOICE) Are you going to enter again?" "That I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate." "I know it hasn't worked out perfectly for the last... 20 year." "20 years, yeah." "Exactly, Pirate with Gout." "20 years." "It might be a bit more." "21, 22..." "Yes, yes." "Thank you, thank you." "PIRATE 1:" "You were very good, though." "PIRATE 2:" "Shush!" "The point is, every time I've entered I've failed to win." "So by the sheer law of maths... (PIRATES GASP)" "Ooh!" "Maths." "...I must have a really good chance this time." "Are you with me, lads?" "(CHEERING)" "Yes!" "This can only end brilliantly." "Then let's go plundering!" "(CHEERING)" "# Deep in the castle and back from the war #" "# Back with milady and the fires burnt tall #" "# Hoorah, went the men down below #" "# All outside was the rain and snow #" "(SCREAMS)" "# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #" "# Over the hill # (CANNONS BOOMING)" "# Came the swords of a thousand men #" "(LAUGHING AND HOOTING)" "# We had to meet the enemy a mile away #" "# Thunder in the air and the sky turned gray" "# Assembling the knights (TRUMPET PLAYS FANFARE)" "# And their swords were sharp" "# There was hope # (FAINT SCREAMING)" "# In our English hearts # (GUNFIRE)" "# Hear our roar, hear our sound #" "# We're gonna fight until we have won this town #" "# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #" "# Over the hill came the swords of a thousand men #" "Ooh!" "# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #" "(CHEERING)" "# Over the hill came the swords of a thousand men #" "(HUMMING)" "(CHEERING)" "Land ho!" "Ah." "Blood Island." "So-called because it's the exact shape of some blood." "(HORN HONKS MUSICALLY) (GRUNTS)" "(SHIP CREAKING)" "# Hear our triumph, hear our roar #" "# We're gonna drink a barrel and much, much more #" "# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #" "Ha!" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "# Over the hill came the swords of a thousand men #" "(REVERSE ALARM CHIRPING)" "(GASPING)" "# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #" "Yeah!" "(SCREAMS)" "# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #" "# Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, yeah #" "# Over the hill went the swords of a thousand men #" "(PEOPLE CONVERSING)" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Excuse me." "Mind out." "Captain coming through." "(GLASS SHATTERS)" "Thank you very much." "(PEOPLE GRUNTING)" "Thank you." "One Pirate of the Year entry form, if you please." "Thank you." "Now, let's see." ""Booty"?" "Oh, yes." ""Roaring." Check." "Shanties." "I shall put "rousing."" ""Beard"?" "Luxuriant." "Obviously." "Duh." "Do you think I should sign it in blood?" "Make it more dramatic?" "Might be a bit on the showy side." "Bit too much." "You might be right." "Pirate Captain." "You can't lose, Captain." "I'd bet my face." "Well, thank you, Albino Pirate." "You're a shoo-in, sir." "Sure, there's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you." "(PEOPLE GASPING, SCREAMING)" "Lock up your daughters!" "(LAUGHS)" "It's me, Peg-Leg Hastings!" "Back from plunderin' the Spanish Main." "Oh, good grief." "And I reckon this will make me" "Pirate of the Year." "(ALL GASP)" "(CHEERING)" "(LAUGHS)" "(GROANS)" "Don't worry, sir." "He's all flash and no bang." "(EXPLOSION BOOMS)" "(BLOWS)" "ALBINO PIRATE:" "Ah, Cutlass Liz." "The Butcher of Barbados." "Hello, boys." "Whoa." "You're probably all wondering if I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful." "(GRUNTS)" "Well, I am." "Hello, Cutlass, you trollop." "Peg-Leg, you pile of squid bait." "Check it out, lubbers." "(PEOPLE GASP)" "The world's biggest diamond." "That baby's got my name on it." "(CHEERING)" "She doesn't even have a beard." "(RUMBLING, RATTLING)" "(GAS PS)" "(CHATTERING)" "(ALL SHUDDERING)" "(RUMBLING)" "(GAS PS)" "(BOTH GASP)" "(PEOPLE SCREAMING)" "(PEOPLE GASPING)" "(CHEERING)" "Oh, sweet Neptune's briny pants." "Black Bellamy." "(CHEERING) (GUNSHOT)" "(BELL DINGING)" "Roar!" "Read it and weep, ya coves!" "That's right, Black Bellamy is gonna be Pirate of the Year." "Again." "How are you?" "Good to see you." "Grog for everybody!" "(CHEERING) Grog for everybody!" "(EXCITED CHATTERING)" "Wow, we are rubbish compared to them, aren't we?" "Perhaps we should be off, sir." "Yes." "Yes, yes, good point." "(STAMMERS) I just remembered, actually, I have some very important bits of rope I need to untangle." "(COINS CLINKING)" "BELLAMY:" "Thank you." "Well, if it isn't the Pirate Captain." "Oh!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Hello, Bellamy." "Cutlass." "Peg-Leg." "Didn't notice you come in." "(LAUGHS)" "The beard's looking great, my man." "And I see that you're more wanted than ever." "(GUFFAWING, MOCKING LAUGHTER)" "Come on, everybody, be nice." "Give him a break." "Bring it down a little bit." "All right." "Seriously, Captain, how's the pirating business treating you?" "Yeah, yeah, brilliantly, brilliantly." "Thanks for asking. (CHUCKLES)" "Treasure coming out of my eyeballs." "Taken to washing my hair in 50-pound notes." "CUTLASS LIZ:" "Oh, really?" "If you've got so much booty, then how come you're still sailing that old wreck?" "Anyway, look, (CLEARS THROAT) I'd love to stay and chat, but, you know, places to pillage, people to..." "People to skewer." "(SQUAWKS)" "(CHOKING)" "Huh?" "Ugh!" "Ooh." "Oh, come on!" "That is disgusting." "Wait a minute." "Captain, what is this?" "What?" "Captain?" "Oh, that's nothing." "Could I possibly have that back?" "Hold on, hold on." "Wait, wait." "Thank you." ""Pirate of the Year"?" "(LAUGHTER)" "You're entering Pirate of the Year?" "No, no, no, no, no." "(LAUGHS)" "Uh, yes." "Again?" "Yes!" "(LAUGHTER) BOTH:" "Ooh!" "Come on." "Listen, did they change the rules?" "I mean, I always thought they gave it to the pirate with the most booty." "Do they now just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?" "She is not fat." "She's just big-boned." "She's fat, dude." "(LAUGHTER)" "Yeah, go on." "Go on, then, laugh." "Everyone laugh." "(LAUGHTER)" "Ignore them, Captain." "It's not worth it." "The trophy would just clash with your wallpaper, anyway." "(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)" "You'll see, you'll see." "I will be Pirate of the Year." "Oh, yes." "And then you'll be laughing on the other side of your faces." "Yes." "And believe me, that is a very painful thing to do." "Come on, lads." "(LAUGHTER)" "Well... (CLEARS THROAT)" "All right, now listen up, you coves." "'We'll show those swabs a thing or two about pirating." "(CHEERING)" "There's still time to fill these chests with sparkling booty." "I can practically taste that trophy!" "(CHANTING) Trophy!" "Trophy!" "Trophy!" "(GUNSHOT) (CHEERING)" "Captain!" "Sail off the port bow!" "Aha!" "Let's get after her, Number Two." "Aye, aye, sir." "Clap on all sail!" "Royals and topgallants!" "PIRATE:" "Release those gallants!" "Aha!" "(CLAMORING)" "Fire those long things that go bang." "Fire cannons four and six!" "(CHEERING)" "Eat cannonball, lubbers." "(SQUAWKING)" "Here we go, lads!" "Look and learn." "Yee-haw!" "(CHEERING)" "Go get 'em, Pirate Captain!" "Avast!" "I'm the Pirate Captain." "And I'm here for your gold." "Gold?" "This is a plague boat, old man." "I'd give my right arm for some gold." "(GAS PS)" "Or my left. (CHUCKLES)" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Right, lads." "Minor hiccup, that last one." "This time, it's payday!" "(CHEERING)" "Aha!" "I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold." "Geography field trip." "Aha!" "I'm the Pirate Captain, and..." "Naturists." "Pirate Captain." "Blah, blah, blah, blah, gold." "Ghost ship." "(ALL WAILING)" "(SINISTER LAUGH)" "Sorry." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Mmm." "Captain, we've sighted another ship, sir." "Mm-hmm." "That's nice." "Do you want to give the order to attack?" "No, not really, Number Two." "No, I think I've..." "Think I had enough of piracy." "I'm hanging up my cutlass." "Captain, no!" "Yeah, I was thinking I might go into baby clothes, actually." "What?" "I hear there's a fortune to be made in baby clothes because babies grow so fast." "No, but you can't." "I mean, the crew..." "They'd..." "They'd be lost without you." "Oh, what was I thinking, Number Two?" "Pirate of the Year?" "Me?" "Look at the trophy cabinet." "Best Anecdote About a Squid." "I mean, that is all I've got to show for my entire career." "(STAMMERING) Pirate of the Year?" "It's just commercialized nonsense." "Real piracy isn't about trophies." "It's about fighting up staircases backwards." "It's about sliding down sails with a knife in your teeth." "Beard glossiness!" "And think about all the adventures we've had." "Our adventure with Aztecs." "Our adventure with that pig." "Our adventure with..." "Shh!" "Okay, maybe not the librarians." "But the fun we've had." "And what about the shanties?" "Well, I mean..." "People would miss my shanties." "And the running people through." "Well, I..." "I do enjoy running people through." "Enjoy it?" "You're brilliant at it!" "You're a brine-soaked terror of the high seas!" "Do you think so, Number Two?" "Everyone does!" "You're more of a pirate than Black Bellamy or any of them." "You're a real pirate." "That's why the crew, they think you're the best thing since boil-in-the-bag ham." "Why do you think they all got that tattoo?" "Come on." "What do you say?" "Arrr!" "By Neptune, where's that ship?" "MAN:" "Ooh!" "This is the one, lads!" "(PIRATES GASP)" "Ninth time lucky!" "I can feel it in my beard!" "Well, don't just sit there like lemons!" "Hoist the flag!" "Standard, sir?" "Or extra gruesome?" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Extra gruesome!" "Let's make their gizzards shake." "(CHEERING)" "DARWIN:" "Journal of Charles Darwin." "Day 93 aboard the Beagle." "I have, today, discovered a new kind of barnacle, which I have categorized in the order of Pygophora." "(SIGHS SOFTLY)" "I'll never get a girlfriend." "lam so unhappy." "(THUMPING)" "(CANNONBALL WHISTLING THROUGH AIR)" "(CANNONS FIRING IN DISTANCE)" "And now I'm being attacked by pirates." "(PIRATES CLAMORING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Avast!" "I'm the Pirate Captain, and I'm here for your gold." "(GAS PS)" "(STAMMERS) I haven't got any gold." "No gold, eh?" "Then what, might I ask, is this?" "It's a baboon's kidney." "Is it?" "Oh." "And what about this?" "Oh, it's another baboon's kidney." "(GAS PS)" "We searched the hold, Captain." "And?" "Just creatures." "Bits of creatures in jars." "And an unhappy-looking baboon." "What kind of ship is this?" "(GAS PS)" "(STAMMERING) We're a..." "Well, we were a scientific expedition." "Charles Darwin, at your service, sir." "Oh, for pity's sake!" "Is it so much to ask?" "Is it?" "I just want one tiny bit of success!" "One teensy weensy bit of respect from my peers just once in my life!" "Is that such a crime?" "Is it?" "(GAS PS)" "No?" "No!" "(GASPS) No." "Oh, but you try telling that to the universe." "Just once, just once for things to go right." "Just..." "Just once." "So, are we done here?" "(WIND WHISTLING SOFTLY)" "DARWIN:" "Dear Diary, about to meet a watery grave." "NUMBER TWO:" "It's nothing personal, you understand." "It's just..." "It's been a tough week, and a good plank walk usually cheers him up." "Will die without reaching second base with a lady." "Oh, get on with it!" "Today's weather:" "inclement." "(SQUAWKING)" "(GASPING)" "Stop!" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Oh, now what?" "Last request, is it?" "Do we have to grant those?" "Is there some sort of human rights convention we're signed up to?" "But that bird!" "My parrot?" "She's just big-boned!" "No, she's not." "I mean..." "I mean, she's not a parrot." "Not a parrot?" "What's he on about, old girl?" "She's..." "She's..." "She's the scientific discovery of our age!" "She's a... (PLANK THUMPS, DARWIN SCREAMS)" "(SPLASH) Huh?" "Sorry." "It's just, that's my favorite bit." "(CHIRPING)" "A dodo, you say?" "They've been extinct for 150 years." "To find one alive today, it's quite incredible." "Whoa!" "Well, clever old girl." "Not going extinct." "If I might be so bold, I would be prepared to pay you 10 pounds for your Polly." "(LAUGHTER)" "Polly's not for sale." "Ten pound." "She's one of the family." "She's like an auntie." "With a beak." "Yeah, I'm afraid they're right, Charles." "Polly here is the feathery heart and soul of the boat." "Come on, little dodo." "Oh." "(GRUNTING)" "It's such a missed opportunity." "If I could've presented her in London to the Royal Society at their annual science show... (CHUCKLES) No question of that, I'm afraid." "She'd have been an absolute sensation." "Yeah, well, can't be helped." "And of course a shoo-in for the top prize." "Prize?" "For best scientific discovery." "Yes." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "This prize, valuable, is it?" "Valuable?" "(GASPING, LAUGHING)" "It's priceless." "Untold riches." "(CASH REGISTER DINGS)" "Captain..." "No, no, no, no." "I was thinking, perhaps perhaps I was being a touch hasty." "But, Captain, London?" "The home of Queen Victoria, mortal enemy of pirates everywhere?" "We'll end up hanged at Execution Dock." "(PIRATES GASP)" "(SCOFFS) Oh, pah!" "We laugh in the face of danger, remember?" "Um, I don't." "I don't really like danger at all." "(SIGHS)" "Captain, do you remember the little talk we had?" "The one about whether pigs are actually a type of fruit?" "No." "No." "The one about us trying to avoid harebrained schemes that end in us facing certain death." "You heard the man, Number Two." ""Untold riches."" "Here's the plan." "We go to London, Polly wins this science show thingy we take the prize money, I enter Pirate of the Year, I win!" "Bingo!" "But, Captain, I'm not sure..." "It can't fail." "And besides, look at her little face." "(HIGH-PITCHED) I sure want to win that science prize." "Squawk!" "Bravo, Captain!" "I see you're a man of vision!" "Right, then, Charles." "When is this science show of yours?" "A week tomorrow." "Ah, confound it!" "You see, we could've made that with a good wind behind us, but unfortunately there's this dirty great sea monster in the way." "Um, mmm, I think they just add those onto maps for decoration, Captain." "Is that a fact?" "Well, blow me down." "(LAUGHS) I dare, you could learn something from this fine fellow, Number Two." "# London calling to the faraway towns #" "# London calling to the faraway towns #" "# Now war is declared and battle come down #" "# London calling to the underworld #" "(GIGGLING)" "# Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls #" "# London calling, see, we ain't got no high #" "# 'Cept for that one with the yellowy eyes #" "# Now get this #" "# London calling, yes, I was there, too #" "# And you know what they said?" "Well, some of it was true #" "# London calling at the top of the dial #" "# And after all this, won't you give me a smile?" "#" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Ah!" "London Town." "The most romantic city in the world." "# I never felt so much alike alike, alike, alike... #" "(SHIP CREAKING)" ""Queen Victoria" ""welcomes you to London."" "Ah, that's nice." "Perhaps she's not so bad after all." "(ALL GASP)" "Well, don't look so worried, Number Two." "Pirates are always visiting London." "(MOANING EERILY)" "Turn back!" "This is the fate of pirates here!" "Is that Scarlett Morgan?" "(CHUCKLES) Pirate Captain." "Goodness me!" "I haven't seen you since that business in Madagascar." "Ah, yes." "I could've sworn they were girls." "You're looking well, Morgan." "Yeah, lost a bit of weight." "What are you up to these days?" "Oh, you know, this and that." "Yeah, just gonna enter a science competition, actually." "Ah!" "Good luck with that." "Yeah, thanks, thanks." "Eh?" "(DISTANT WAILING)" "No, no, wait, wait!" "Turn back!" "Turn back." "(SHIP CREAKING)" "(SHIP CRASHES)" "Oops." "Sorry." "Oh, no!" "Look what you've done to me boat." "Look at the state of it." "I hope you've got some insurance, 'cause I... (ANCHOR CLANKS) Ow." "Right, then." "We'll be off." "I'll bring her back tomorrow straight after the show." "Well, don't be daft, Charles." "I'll be presenting Polly." "You?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I always fancied trying my hand at a spot of science." "But you can't." "I mean, the streets of London are no place for pirates." "Pirates?" "What pirates?" "(GAS PS)" "Nobody here but us Girl Guides." "Yes!" "I've got a badge for looting." "We're not really Girl Guides." "It's us, the pirates." "We're masters of disguise." "How ingenious." "But all the same, Captain, best we lie low for the night." "Perhaps at my house." "Captain, I really think..." "Good plan, Chuck." "Be fun to see how you boffin types live." "Mmm-hmm." "Well, come on." "Taxi!" "Evening, Officer." "Hidey-ho, ladies." "(GIGGLES)" "(SNIFFING)" "ALBINO PIRATE:" "London smells like Grandma." "Whoa." "(HORSE NEIGHS)" "Here we are." "Home, sweet home." "You don't get many women back here, do you, Charles?" "People who live alone are always serial killers." "(GAS PS)" "(GAS PS)" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Sweet Neptune on a bike!" "DARWIN:" "Oh, don't mind Mr. Bobo." "Just an old project of mine." "Project?" "Yeah, I had this theory." "I thought that if you took a monkey, gave him a monocle and covered up his gigantic, unsightly ass, then he would cease to be a monkey and become more of a..." "A man-panzee, if you will." "Bold theory." "I don't like the monkey." "But to be honest, monkeys are 10 a penny." "He's not a patch on Polly here." "Oh!" "Anyhow, big day tomorrow." "We all need our rest." "Let me show you to your room, Captain." "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Right behind you, Chuck." "(GRUNTS)" "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "(GAS PS)" "DARWIN: (WHISPERING) Now, shh, here's the plan." "You know what to do." "Wait until the bearded idiot is asleep, then sneak into his room and..." "Shh!" "(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Captain." "It's..." "It's Mr. Darwin, sir." "I'm sure he's up to no good." "Oh, honestly, Number Two, what's got into you?" "Thanks to Charles, we're about to win lavish untold riches, and here you are trying to find fault with the poor fellow." "Yes, but..." "No, no, no." "Not another word." "A future Pirate of the Year needs his beauty sleep." "Do you think you could make nautical noises until we drop off?" "(MAKING WHOOSHING SOUNDS)" "Oh, that's lovely." "Now, that is lovely." "Can you do the shiver a timber?" "(SIGHS)" "Oh..." "Mmm." "(IMITATES WOOD CREAKING)" "(YAWNS)" "And just chuck in a few gulls, would you?" "Caw, caw, caw!" "(SNORING)" "(SNORING LOUDLY)" "(YAWNS)" "(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)" "(GRUNTING SOFTLY)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, our winner." "Give it up for the Pirate Captain!" "Congratulations, Pirate Captain." "Nobody deserves this more than you." "(CHUCKLES)" "Thanks, Cutlass." "And that beard of yours, (GASPS) it drives me crazy." "(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)" "(GAS PS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Give it here." "(STRAINING)" "Give it back, Bellamy, it's mine!" "No, give it back." "(LAUGH ECHOES)" "(STARTLED SHOUT)" "Neptune's navel!" "Come back here, you lubber." "Stop, thief!" "(GRUNTS)" "(SQUAWKS)" "(GRUNTS)" "I'll take that." "(RUMBLING)" "Not so fast, my friend." "(SCREAMS)" "Number Two!" "Number Two, are you all right?" "(GAS PS)" "Unhand that dodo!" "Whoa!" "(SCREAMS)" "(GAS PS)" "Evening, Captain." "(FLOORBOARDS CREAKING, CRACKING)" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "(WATCH TICKING)" "(THUDDING, CLATTERING)" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(GAS PS)" "(BOTH SCREAM)" "Oh, Number Two!" "(SCREAMS)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMS) We're under attack!" "Abandon ship!" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Hello, Pirate Captain, Pirate with a Scarf!" "(SCREAMING CONTINUES)" "Come back here, Mysterious Shadowy Figure!" "(GAS PS)" "Faster!" "Faster!" "(GAS PS)" "(SCREAMING CONTINUES)" "(PIRATES SCREAMING)" "Got you!" "Are you all right, girl?" "Captain!" "I mean, what's going on?" "Don't play the innocent." "You and your hench-monkey tried to steal Polly." "Steal Polly?" "Oh, dear me, no, you're mistaken." "Then how do you explain this?" "(DOOR CREAKS)" "Well, I think it's obvious what's happened, isn't it?" "Is it?" "Some jealous rival scientist must have tried to make off with the dodo." "Well, that explains everything." "Captain, please, let's go." "Polly's not safe in London." "I couldn't bear it if something happened to Polly." "Nothing is going to happen to Polly." "She'll be perfectly safe." "Leave everything to me." "Now, come on, we can't keep that prize waiting." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Um..." "Anyone got a towel?" "DARWIN:" "Nice going, banana butt." "Now this briny buffoon is gonna grab all the glory." "It's a disaster." "It's... (SPUTTERS)" "Bad news, I'm afraid, Captain." "You can't go in." "Eh?" "Mmm." "It's strictly scientists only, you see." "I'll just have to present Polly myself." "We're not really scientists." "It's us, the pirates." "See?" "(CHUCKLES) Masters of disguise." "But where's Polly?" "That is on a need-to-know basis from here on in, Charles." "Pardon?" "I am keeping her hidden." "That shadowy figure could be anywhere." "Luckily, I am not only a master of disguises," "I am also a master of hiding things." "Right, lads, let's show these boffins what's what." "But, Captain." "Really, I..." "Hello!" "(BELL DINGS) We're here for the science show." "We're scientists." "Hmm?" "That's a pipette, this is Charles Darwin, and I am the Scientist Captain." "If you're a scientist, name three elements." "Oh, well, let's see now." "There's..." "There's gold, ham..." "Mmm-hmm?" "...and the tears of a mermaid." "Yeah, two out of three Close enough." "First on your left." "The balloon of my airship contains 20,000 cubic feet of hydrogen gas." "Excuse me." "Sorry." "(GASPS)" "Just here, you will notice the open log fire to ensure a comfortable temperature at higher altitudes." "(PEOPLE GRUNT) Ooh!" "Captain?" "Captain, Captain, please." "You can't possibly appear on stage without Polly." "Patience, Charles." "All in good time." "(SINISTER LAUGH) Excuse me." "Sorry." "(ANGRY GRUNTING)" "Sorry." "SCIENTIST:" "Idiot!" "Just a tick." "Oh, but, Captain... (SQUAWKS)" "How on earth did..." "My airship will revolutionize the fields of meteorology and cartography." "(SLURPING) But mostly, it's for looking down ladies' tops." "(APPLAUSE) Ingenious." "(METER muss)" "(SINGING SCALES)" "Captain, I really, really think it would be best if I take over from here." "There's a certain manner in which these things are conduc..." "Nonsense, Chuck." "What this science stuff needs is a bit of showmanship!" "(GROWLS)" "(GAS PS)" "(WHIMPERS)" "(SCREAMS)" "Look, it's the captain." "Captain!" "Captain!" "Shh!" "Fellow scientists, poindexters, geeks," "(GROANS) prepare to be confounded." "Prepare to be amazed." "Prepare to..." "Oh-ho, wait a second." "What's this?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "What's this?" "Stop!" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "I am the world's leading doctor, and I declare the science you are doing is too shocking by half." "Dr. Albino, are you saying that those of a nervous disposition should leave immediately, in case the sheer unexpected remarkableness of my discovery should cause their hearts to explode?" "(SIGHS)" "Uh... lam." "Well, science lovers, you have been warned." "This is our most educational adventure ever." "(PLAYING ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA)" "Back from the dead." "Back from beyond the grave." "Back to astound you all." "The ninth wonder of the world." "She's traveled halfway across the globe to be here tonight." "Here's Polly!" "(CROWD GAS PS)" "MAN:" "It's a dodo." "(GAS PS)" "By Jove." "That is astounding!" "(CHEERING)" "(SIGHS)" "(METER muss)" "(GASPS, SIGHS WEAKLY)" "(METER muss)" "An actual dodo!" "Makes electricity look like a pile of crap." "(LIGHT BULB CRACKLING WITH ELECTRICITY)" "MAN:" "The Royal Society's prize for best scientific discovery..." "Oh, I hope it's not a check." "...Is awarded to..." "Have you any idea what the sterling-doubloon exchange rate is these days?" "...the Scientist Captain." "(APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you." "You're too kind." "Please stop." "Enough." "Thank you." "Thank you." "(GASPS) Is that it?" "Oh, no." "Ah, good." "You also get this leather-bound set of encyclopedias." "Excuse me just one moment." "Thank you." "(GROANS)" "Okay, Chuck." "Now, I like encyclopedias as much as the next man, but they're not exactly gonna help me win Pirate of the Year, are they?" "(GLASS SHATTERS) Where's the booty?" "Booty?" "What booty?" "The prize!" "The "untold riches," remember?" "Oh." "Perhaps I didn't explain." "It's not all about money." "No, the real prize is..." "MAN:" "Her Royal Majesty, the Empress of India," "Ruler of the Kingdom of Java a personal audience with Defender of the Faith," "Queen Victoria!" "Queen Victoria herself." "(GASPS)" "(GAS PS)" "Scientist Captain, congratulations." "What a tremendous discovery." "(STAMMERING) Your, uh..." "Your Majesty." "And who are these charming fellows?" "Well, this is my crew." "By which he means lab assistant crew." "Yes, yes." "I'm using "crew" in the street sense." "Yo." "And I'm Charles Darwin, Your Majesty." "I helped find the dodo." "Yes, whatever." "But where has your delightful creature disappeared to?" "Resting, ma'am." "Hidden away." "I only let her out for the big performance, I'm afraid." "In case sinister forces should try to make off with her, you see." "Sinister forces?" "Ooh, dear." "Well, we have a wonderful petting zoo at the palace where Polly would be quite safe." "Perhaps we could take her off your hands." "(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, ma'am, but that's out of the question." "But she'd have a lovely time." "There are guinea pigs and a donkey." "No, no, I couldn't, ma'am." "Not even for little old me?" "No, no, no, I'm afraid not, ma'am." "No, you see, there is nothing more important to a pirate than his trusted dodo." "(GASPS)" "She is the feathery heart and soul of the boat." "Did you say "pirate"?" "(MEN GASP)" "Pirate?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Scientist. (CHUCKLES)" "Yes, good old, good old science." "Can't get enough of it." "Mixing stuff together." "You know, test tube tubing and Bunsen burning." "See?" "(GRUNTS)" "(MEN GASPING)" "He's no scientist!" "He's a Girl Guide!" "Ooh!" "(GRUNTS)" "(MEN GASPING)" "He's no Girl Guide!" "He's a pirate!" "BOTH:" "Pirate!" "Hang on, hang on." "There's been some kind of mistake." "Some... (GRUNTS)" "Some silly mistake Whoa, laddies!" "Stop, stop." "I can explain." "(GAS PS)" "Your Majesty." "He's hidden the dodo." "If you chop his head off now, we might never find out where." "Wait a mo." "(GAS PS)" "One doesn't know why." "Perhaps it's his luxuriant beard or his gleaming teeth or the way he smells faintly of coconuts." "But we have taken a shine to this pirate." "Do you have a name, pirate captain?" "They call me the Pirate Captain." "Well, Pirate Captain, we hereby pardon you of your piratical crimes." "(APPLAUSE)" "(MEN GASP)" "You will stay in London, Pirate Captain, and entertain us with your stories and your wit." "And especially your dear little dodo." "Hell's barnacles." "Can we please get out of here now?" "That was a bit close for comfort, Number Two." "I will get you the dodo, Your Majesty." "See that you do, Mr. Darwin." "(HOOVES CLOPPING)" "(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)" "Ooh!" "Uh..." "Captain?" "Captain!" "Captain!" "Hurry up, lads, chop-chop." "Let's get back to sea where we belong." "PIRATES:" "Aye, aye, Captain!" "I told you coming to London was a bad idea." "The sooner I get the smell of brine in my..." "DARWIN:" "Captain!" "Captain!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "(GAS PS)" "You're not leaving, surely?" "I most certainly am." "You've let me down badly, Charles." "Look!" "Look!" "Also, to be frank..." "Captain your nose is too small for your face." "But you're the toast of London Town." "Oh, I say, look at that." "Ooh!" "They've really captured my eyes." "We were hoping you might come out for a little celebration before you go." "(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)" "We don't want to miss the tide, Captain." "No, no, no." "Quite right, quite right." "Oh, Captain, do join us, please?" "I'll just stop for a quick one." "Rude to refuse." "But it's Ham Night." "I'll be 20 minutes." "Half an hour tops." "Just get her..." "Get her warmed up without me." "Aren't we going yet?" "Shh!" "(WHISPERING) But what about winning the Pirate of the Year and showing all those other captains that he's not a loser?" "(SIGHS)" "WOMAN:" "Yoo-hoo!" "Come along, Captain." "Captain..." "Cheers!" "Good evening." "Thank you." "Thank you so very much." "Captain..." "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "And your name is?" "DARWIN:" "Miss Jane Austen." "(SIGHS)" "(GRUNTS)" "(ANCHOR CLANKS) (MAN SCREAMS)" "(LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "And that, and that is why, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula." "(CHUCKLES)" "Jane Austen, feel free to use it in one of your books." "Oh, Pirate Captain, you are a born raconteur." "So much better than the last chap we all went doolally over." "You've all been (SLURPING) terribly kind." "Oh!" "Oh, do run along." "Another drink, Captain?" "Hmm?" "Cheers, Chuck." "Huh?" "I say, you're not related in some way, are you?" "Pardon?" "It's just you, sort of..." "Well, no, no, nothing, nothing, nothing." "Cheers." "Do you know what I've discovered, Charles?" "The friends you make after you've become famous are better, truer friends than the ones you've had for years beforehand." "So very wise." "But the lads will think I'm a fool." "No." "A fool, you?" "Oh." "You're an intellectual giant." "Just look at how you managed to keep Polly safe from those sinister forces." "Yes, I did do that, didn't I?" "You did." "And wherever she's hidden," "I bet it's somewhere really ingenious." "It is rather." "(CHUCKLES)" "You'll never guess where." "Well, no, why, you're too smart for me, Captain." "Right under everyone's noses." "Or right under my noses, anyhow." "Ta-d a!" "(SQUAW KS)" "(GAS PS)" "(SIGHS)" "You've been keeping Polly in your beard?" "Actually, I keep all sorts in here." "(CLOCK TICKING)" "I'm sorry about this, Captain." "About what?" "Oh." "What the..." "What's the monkey-man playing at?" "(CHUCKLES)" "This patently isn't even a real... (SCREAMS)" "(GAS PS)" "(GAS PS)" "Come back here, you lubbers!" "(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)" "(SCREAMS)" "Sorry, Your Reverence." "(PEOPLE SCREAMING)" "(CHICKENS SQUAWKING) (PIG SNORTING)" "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "(GAS PS)" "(GRUNTING)" "Aha!" "Got you, you rogue!" "(RUMBLING) (MUZAK PLAYING)" "Yeah, that's rather nice." "Neptune's lips, what are you up to?" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "It's not my fault." "What do you mean "not your fault"?" "You steal Polly, you shoot my best hat full of holes." "(CLANKING) (GASPS)" "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" "Hmm?" "Well, go on, then." "Explain yourself." "There's this girl." "I'm hopelessly smitten with her." "I'm listening." "I know how partial she is to exotic animals, and I thought if I could get her the dodo, then she might like me." "Oh, I'm so ashamed." "(SOBBING)" "Why didn't you say so?" "We've all done stupid things to impress girls." "Yeah, you should act aloof." "They love it when you act aloof." "Still, must be quite a girl for you to go to all that trouble." "QUEEN VICTORIA:" "She is quite a girl." "(KEYPAD BUZZES)" "Kraken's biscuits!" "Mr. Darwin." "Honestly, Charles." "It's the bun." "The bun really does it for me." "QUEEN VICTORIA:" "And I see you've brought a friend." "How delightful." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to..." "Oh, get a grip, man." "You couldn't manage one tiny task, could you?" "It's pathetic." "(BOTH GASP)" "(KEYPAD BUZZES)" "(KEYPAD BUZZING)" "(SCREAMS)" "(GRUNTING)" "(CAT SHRIEKS)" "Oh." "(GAS PS)" "Listen, Captain, I can see I've gone about this all wrong." "You see, I might have the body of a weak and feeble woman," "(KEYPAD BUZZING) (HISSING) but I have the heart and soul of a person who really, really wants that dodo." "I seem to recall that you piratical types have a bit of a soft spot for shiny things." "Or am I getting you muddled up with magpies?" "(STUTTERING) I couldn't." "I mean, Polly, she's a family..." "Come now, Captain, it's so simple." "Polly here could live like a queen at my petting zoo, and you..." "Well..." "With treasure like this, you could be famed across the seven seas." "NUMBER TWO:" "Captain." "Polly's not for sale." "(BELLAMY LAUGHING)" "You?" "Win Pirate of the Year?" "You're a shoo-in, sir." "There's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you." "But what about winning Pirate of the Year and showing all those other captains that you're not a loser?" "(ECHOING) Loser..." "Loser... (LAUGHS)" "Whee!" "I'm a floating head." "So, Captain." "Are you going to do the right thing?" "# I'm sailing out on the ocean #" "# Out on the deep blue sea # 20 minutes, he said." "Didn't he say 20 minutes?" "Don't worry, lads." "He probably just got caught up," "(EXHALING) you know, battling a giant squid or something." "(PIRATES SIGH)" "(GASPS) (RUMBLING AND RATTLING)" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Well, come on, you lubbers!" "(LAUGHS) It's him!" "I told you!" "I..." "I told you he wouldn't let us down." "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Hello, boys." "(GASPS)" "Miss me?" "I'm having a mirage." "But..." "How?" "Good question, Number Two." "I stole it all in a daring raid on the Tower of London." "You stole all this from the Tower of London?" "That's right." "Then I burnt it to the ground, wrestled a bear, oh, and I kissed a princess for good measure." "Well, what are you waiting for?" "Don't just stand there like porpoises." "There's atrophy with our names on it!" "(CHEERING)" "Set a course for Blood Island!" "(FIREWORKS WHISTLING AND POPPING)" "ANNOUNCER ON MIC:" "Avast, me hearties!" "And welcome to the 59th Annual Pirate of the Year Awards!" "(CHEERING) (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)" "(GUNFIRE)" "(CHUCKLES)" "This is the ticket, eh, Number Two?" "Oh, please, please, please, can't Polly come out now?" "(STUTTERS) Best not." "She's still very tired." "And here is your host for the evening..." "Shush." "The Pirate King!" "Hello, Pirates!" "ALL:" "Hello, Pirate King!" "Any lubbers in tonight?" "ALL:" "No!" "ALL:" "Behind you!" "MAN: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, I'm Queen Victoria!" "(PIRATES BOOING) And I hate pirates!" "Ooh!" "(PIRATES CHEERING)" "Oh, come on, cheer up." "PIRATE KING:" "And now, you swabs, this is the big one." "(PIRATES EXCLAIMING IN AWE)" "The nominees for Pirate of the Year are as follows:" "Black Bellamy." "(APPLAUSE)" "Cutlass Liz." "Peg-Leg Hastings." "And a surprise late entry, the Pirate Captain!" "(PIRATES CHEERING)" "The panel of independent judges have counted each pirate's booty and declared that this year's winner is" "the Pirate Captain!" "(CHEERING)" "Oh." "Oh." "(GRUNTS)" "(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(MAJESTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "BELLAMY:" "Excuse me!" "(RECORD SCRATCHES) (MUSIC STOPS)" "Excuse me." "Listen, this is all very moving." "I'm welling up here, but..." "Bellamy, this is most irregular!" "So is this!" "ALL: (GENTLY) Aw!" "(GROANS)" "(ALL GASPING)" "It seems Queen Victoria has pardoned the Pirate Captain." "(ALL MURMURING) No!" "So what if she did?" "BELLAMY:" "If you've been pardoned then, technically, you're no longer a pirate." "And if you're no longer a pirate, you really can't be Pirate of the Year, now, can you?" "No, you can't!" "That's right!" "Is this true?" "(STUTTERING) Well, that's one, frankly, rather negative way of looking at it." "(SHUDDERS)" "Villainous treachery!" "Treacherous villainy!" "You have betrayed the pirating fraternity." "But, Pirate King..." "Your pirate hat and coat!" "(RATTLING AND CLINKING)" "Your pirate badge with googly eyes." "And your World of Hooks discount card." "(SNAPS FINGERS) Confiscate his treasure!" "(GAS PS)" "Every last bit of it." "Begone!" "May your lubber shame bear down upon you." "You are hereby banished from Blood Island!" "(CHUCKLES)" "You are a pirate no more!" "(THUNDER CRASHES)" "(PIRATES GASPING)" "(SCREAMS)" "And stay out!" "Yes, well, not a..." "Not a total success." "We don't need them and their stupid awards." "The best thing about being a pirate isn't the treasure." "It's the cutlasses." "It's Ham Night." "It's Polly." "Where is Polly, Captain?" "(CHUCKLES) What do you mean?" "You know where she is." "She's been upset enough." "(SIGHS) Captain..." "Oh... (GRUNTS)" "Okay, Okay." "(PIRATES GASP)" "(THUNDER RUMBLES)" "I sold her to Queen Victoria for a boatload of treasure." "There, I've said it." "(AIR HISSING)" "Oh, well, come on." "She was just a parrot." "I mean, she wasn't even a parrot." "Always weeing on the boat's carpets, biting everyone." "She gave half of us tetanus, for goodness sake." "But she was our Polly." "(STUTTERING) Well, you know, you should be happy for her." "She'll be, she'll be living the high life." "Eating gold bricks wrapped up in, you know, swans." "(WHIMPERS QUIETLY)" "Well, where are you swabs going?" "Come on." "Well, we'll have an adventure somewhere tropical with those native ladies whose outfits don't leave much to the imagination." "(CHUCKLES)" "Looks like it's just you and me now, eh, Number Two?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Good old inseparable you and me." "Us two against the world, eh?" "Yeah?" "Like serrano ham and, you know, that other kind of ham." "Arrr." "You can't always just say "arrr" at the end of a sentence and think that makes everything all right." "(DISTANT THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(SIGHS SOFTLY)" "Fine." "Fine, go on, then." "Go." "Go!" "It's not like I need any of you, anyway." "See if I care." "# I'm not crying #" "# It's just been raining #" "See if I care." "# On my face #" "# And if you think you see some tear tracks down my cheeks #" "# Please, please #" "# Don't tell my mates #" "# I'm not crying #" "# No, I'm not crying #" "# And if I am crying #" "# It's not 'cause of you #" "# It's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine #" "# You don't know who is dying, that's right, dying #" "# These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me #" "# I've just been cutting onions #" "# I'm making a lasagna #" "# For one #" "# Oh, I'm not crying #" "# No #" "# I'm not upset because you left me this way #" "# My eyes are just a little sweaty today #" "# They've been looking around and are searching for you #" "# They've been looking for you #" "# Even though I told them not to #" "# These aren't tears of sadness, they're tears of joy #" "# I'm just laughing #" "# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha #" "# I'm not crying #" "# I'm not crying #" "# Crying #" "Huh?" "DARWIN:" "You're too late." "She's gone." "Charles?" "Is that you?" "What are you doing here?" "We're tramps now." "It's not unlike being a scientist, but... (YAWNS) ...with less experiments and more drinking your own sweat." "But where's Polly?" "Why isn't she in her cage?" "Oh, it's too horrible." ""Banquet for world leaders"?" "I've been a fool for love." "Victoria never wanted Polly for her petting zoo." ""Terrine of Tiger, Black Rhino Ragout," ""Panda Face Fritters"?" "I've discovered the Queen is a member of a terrible secret dining society." "Kings, queens, emperors from around the world, they meet on her flagship, the QV1, to eat the rarest and most endangered creatures they can find." "This year, the highlight is..." "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" ""Dodo a l'Orange"?" "She's going to eat Polly?" "It's all my fault." "I'm an awful human being." "I'll never get a girlfriend." "(GRUNTING)" "Now pull yourself together, man." "Ow!" "Now listen, Charles, we've all done something unforgivable." "I've betrayed my pirate honor, you've betrayed science, and Mr. Bobo's betrayed the animal kingdom." "We've got to rescue her." "Us?" "Against the crowned heads of the world on an impregnable warship?" "It's impossible odds!" "It's only impossible if you stop to think about it." "Come on, we didn't evolve from slugs just to sit here drinking our own sweat, now, did we?" "Are you with us, Mr. Bobo?" ""Are you out of your..."" "Oh, I say." "Well, pah!" "We can do without the monkey-man." "Sorry, what was that about slugs?" "No time for that now Come on." "# Ready, said are you ready to go?" "#" "# Said are you ready?" "#" "Prepare to be boarded, nerds." "# Full Stop, me, stop, Full Stop #" "# Ranking Full Stop #" "# That is my name and I would really, really say #" "# Full Stop, Ranking Full Stop #" "# Ranking Full Stop #" "It's true!" "You can see down ladies' tops." "Keep pedaling, Charles." "# Said are you ready to stop?" "I said stop #" "Help!" "# Ready, said are you ready to go?" "#" "# Said are you ready?" "#" "# Said are you ready to go?" "#" "# Full Stop, me, stop, Full Stop #" "# Ranking Full Stop #" "# As I would tell you 'bout this song, now come on #" "(THUNDER RUMBLES)" "(PANTING AND GROANING)" "(SIGHING AND GASPING)" "(SHIVERING)" "Oh!" "(SCREAMS)" "# Said are you ready?" "#" "# Said are you ready to stop?" "I said stop #" "# I'm dead #" "(PANTING)" "Neptune's nostrils." "Not a thing." "Where the devil can she be?" "Uh, Captain?" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Pedal faster, Chuck!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "DARWIN:" "But how on earth do we get on board?" "This might sting a bit." "(STUTTERS) I really don't... (SCREAMS)" "Catch hold of something!" "(CLANK) Good man." "(GAS PS)" "(CRASHING)" "(BELL muss)" "How do you like my pygmy elephant nuggets, Your Majesty?" "Hmm." "They're good, but not quite rare enough for my tastes." "Not rare enough?" "Only three have been seen in the last 50 years." "As many as three?" "(CHUCKLES) Well, well." "Just wait until you see what I've got for the main course." "Gaston?" "Gaston?" "Are you there?" "Oui, Your Majesty." "Gaston, I think we're ready." "Neptune's teeth." "There's not a moment to lose." "We've got to find that kitchen." "But it's hopeless." "Where do we even start to..." "Shh, shh." "So that's why I reckon, in a straight fight, a shark would probably beat a Dracula." "No!" "Course, a Frankenstein versus a jellyfish, well, that's a different matter." "(GRUNTS)" "All clear, Chuck." "(SHIP HORN BLASTS) (GASPS)" "Chuck?" "(SCREAMS)" "It's all right, Charles, I'm coming!" "(SPLASHING) Don't worry, I'll just..." "Charles?" "(DARWIN SCREAMS)" "Just..." "Just hang on!" "(CLANKING) (DARWIN GRUNTING)" "Ow!" "(GROANS)" "Charles?" "(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)" "Poseidon's lips!" "Are you all right, Charles?" "(MUFFLED GRUNTING)" "GUARD:" "Hey, you there!" "What are you doing here?" "Ah!" "Well, now." "Excellent question." "All exotic animals should have been delivered to the chef by now." "What?" "What is it?" "Some sort of duck?" "Oh." "Yes, yes." "That's it, yes." "(GRUNTS)" "(MUFFLED) Quack, quack." "Hurry up, then." "Kitchen's that way." "Yeah, come away!" "Go on." "DARWIN: (MUFFLED) Quack, quack." "Here we go, my Pretty" "It's time to be délicieux!" "(SQUAWKS)" "Mmm." "(GASPS) Mon dieu!" "(THUD)" "Polly, come to Daddy." "Oh, I'm sorry, old girl." "I will never, ever leave you again." "I promise." "(GRUNTING) I will never leave you." "(SIGHING)" "Perhaps we'd best make a move." "Hmm?" "Yes, yes, yes, of course." "Back to the balloon." "QUEEN VICTORIA:" "Gaston?" "Gaston?" "(BLOWING AIR THROUGH PIPE)" "Hello ?" "Captain." "No." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hello, Your Majesty." "The dodo is coming tout de suite." "This really isn't wise." "Oh." "Claudette est dans Ia bibliotheque." "DARWIN:" "Please, I think we..." "But you know, Your Majesty, you cannot hurry the cooking." "Is a very delicate recipe, uh?" "(DARWIN GRUNTING)" "And the dodo is a very fattening dish." "Perhaps is not so good for you." "(BELL DINGS) And, you know, the calories, they will go straight to your chubby thighs." "Captain." "A minute on the lips is a lifetime on the..." "Zut alors!" "Well, well." "Pirate Captain." "Here you are again." "And..." "Oh. my" "Is that Mr. Darwin behind those feathers?" "(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Hello." "What a delightfully unexpected surprise." "You know, I think, secretly... (GIGGLES) ...I've always loved you, Charles." "Gosh." "Really?" "No!" "(CLANK)" "Give me my dodo!" "Now, come on, Vickie, be sensible." "(STUTTERING) It's just you, a tiny queen, against me, a dashing terror of the high seas." "En garde!" "Oh, dear!" "Poor defenseless me." "(GRUNTS)" "What is a girl to do?" "Now, steady on." "(GRUNTING)" "Now careful." "Do you know why I really hate pirates?" "Childhood trauma, was it?" "Bitten by a pirate when you were a baby?" "(GRUNTS)" "Beard envy?" "It's because you're out-of-date." "You're dinosaurs!" "All that "romance of the seas" guff!" "Aha!" "Oh." "(SQUAWKS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Right, where were we?" "(GASPING)" "Look at you." "You should be extinct." "(YELLS)" "Along with your little friend!" "(GRUNTS)" "(GAS PS)" "(SCREAMS)" "(GROWLS)" "(YELLING)" "Pity you can't eat pirates, really." "(SCREAMS)" "(GRUNTS)" "But you'd probably taste of barnacles." "Whereas, dear little Polly here is going to be" "(SQUAWKS) absolutely delicious!" "Mr. Bobo?" "Give me back my dinner!" "Captain, catch!" "Number Two!" "(GROWLS)" "Sorry, Vickie." "Dodo is off the menu." "Eh?" "(GASPS)" "(GASPING)" "Oh, no, no, stop!" "Stop!" "(SCREAMS)" "Stop!" "I'm being squashed by giant barrels of vinegar!" "(GASPS AND GRUNTS)" "Good work, Chuck." "Number Two, what are you doing here?" "How did you find me?" "Where are the lads?" "Don't worry, they're on the case." "(PIRATES LAUGHING)" "It's all thanks to Mr. Bobo here." "He rowed halfway across the ocean to tell us what you were up to." "And, you know, I figured you tend to end up wrapped in sausages facing certain death at about this point in an adventure." "(CHUCKLES) Yes." "Yeah." "Yes." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Listen, uh, (STUTTERING) Number Two, I..." "I realize I let you down." "(DOOR OPENS)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "CURVACEOUS PIRATE:" "Sorry." "I let everybody down." "You know, I've..." "Well, I've done some pretty appalling things in my piratical career. (CHUCKLES)" "Like that time I used babies as squid bait." "Or that other time I thought it would be okay to let a turtle drive the boat." "But the thing is..." "I mean, what I'm trying to say is..." "You decided to single-handedly take on Queen Victoria's flagship, in order to rescue Polly." "Yes, I'm afraid I did." "(GAS PS)" "That's terrifically idiotic." "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Yes." "It's also the reason why me and the lads, well, we still think (QUIET RUMBLING) you're the best pirate on the seven sea... (BOLTS POPPING)" "(METAL GROANING)" "(SCREAMING)" "Gadzooks!" "No!" "(GASPING AND SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(SHIP CREAKING AND GROANING)" "Polly!" "Oh, no, you don't." "Captain?" "(GRUNTS)" "Kiss your beaky little friend goodbye." "(GRUNTING)" "(YELLS)" "(GAS PS)" "(GROWLS)" "(LAUGHS)" "That's it, Polly." "Snip-snip." "Come on, little dodo." "Bitey-bite." "The dumpy lady's got Polly!" "Snip-Snip" "Bite it!" "Bite it, you stupid bird!" "Bite it!" "(SCREAMS)" "(FABRIC RIPS) (AIR HISSING)" "(SCREAMING)" "QUEEN VICTORIA:" "No!" "My dodo!" "Polly!" "QUEEN VICTORIA:" "My dinner!" "(GAS PS)" "(GRUNTS) (HISSING STOPS)" "(GAS PS)" "Oh, barnacles." "(SCREAMS)" "(GAS PS)" "Well done, sir." "Hey!" "Wah-hey, Captain!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Fair play to you, sir." "(ACCORDION WHINING)" "(CHUCKLES) Wah-hey!" "This is our most unexpectedly heartwarming adventure ever." "QUEEN VICTORIA:" "You'll swing for this!" "Curse you!" "And after you've done swinging, I'll chop your head off!" "I'll put it in a cannon and fire it into the sun!" "Does that mean he's not pardoned anymore?" ""Pardoned"?" "(SCREAMS) (AIR HISSING)" "You'll be outlawed across the globe!" "There'll be a higher price on your head than any pirate before you!" "The whole world will know your name!" "(CHEERING)" "NUMBER TWO:" "Welcome back," "Captain." "(GRUNTS)" "Yay!" "(CHUCKLES)" "(CHEERING CONTINUES)" "See ya!" "Bye!" "Bye-bye!" "(AIR HISSING)" "# You can get it if you really want #" "# But you must try #" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "Well, it's been a pleasure, Charles." "Good luck with the science." "Thank you, Captain." "Oh, and just a little tip, grow yourself a beard." "It'll make your face look less lumpy." "(WHIMPERING)" "(SCREAMS)" "(GROWLING)" "# You've got your mind set on a dream #" "# You can get it though hard it may seem now #" "100,000 doubloons." "Not bad, eh, Mr. Bobo?" "# You can get it if you really want #" "# But you must try, try and try #" "(WHIMPERS)" "(GUFFAWING)" "That..." "I..." "Is this a bit of squid tentacle?" "ALBINO PIRATE:" "Yeah." "And that's my earwax." "I keep telling you, it's never been about the trophies or the treasure." "It's about who you are, inside." "I say, you're not..." "Not a woman disguised as a man, are you, Number Two?" "No." "Because that does happen surprisingly often at sea." "# But the harder the battle, you see #" "# Is the sweeter, the victory now #" "# You can get it if you really want #" "(GASPS)" "# If you really want #" "# You can get it if you really want #" "# But you must try #" "Well, come on, you coves." "Those treasure chests won't plunder themselves." "Hoist the flag!" "ALL:" "Aye, aye, Captain!" "Set a course for adventure!" "(PIRATES CHEERING)" "(ROARS)" "PIRATE CAPTAIN:" "You see?" "I told you." "Didn't I tell you?" "Just added on for decoration, my foot." "(LOUD BURP)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "# We are young We run green #" "# Keep our teeth nice and clean #" "# See our friends See the sights #" "# Feel all right #" "# We wake up We go out #" "# Smoke a fag Put it out #" "# See our friends See the sights #" "# Feel all right #" "# Are we like you?" "I can't be sure #" "# Of the scene As she turns #" "# We are strange in our worlds #" "# But we are young We get by #" "# Can't go mad Ain't got time #" "# Sleep around If we like #" "# But we're all right #" "# Got some cash Bought some wheels #" "# Took it out Across the fields #" "# Lost control Hit a wall #" "# But we're all right #" "# Are we like you?" "I can't be sure #" "# Of the scene As she turns #" "# We are strange in our worlds #" "# But we are young We run green #" "# Keep our teeth Nice and clean #" "# See our friends See the sights #" "# Feel all right #" "# Are we like you?" "I can't be sure #" "# Of the scene As she turns #" "# We are strange in our worlds #" "# But we are young We run green #" "# Keep our teeth Nice and clean #" "# See our friends See the sights #" "# Feel all right #"