"ANNOUNCER:" "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "[ALL CLAMORING]" "[♪]" "WOMAN:" "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Oh!" "Maggie, why are we doing this?" "Just relax, Dallas, relax." "I mean, when you said, "dress casual,"" "I figured, maybe a champagne brunch, but this..." "I got a message to meet an informer here, someone with news about Wendy." "Do you know why people come here?" "Do you have any idea?" "We could be arrested." "For what?" "We're standing here." "All right, that couple over there, they're not breaking the law?" "Of course not." "Now they are." "Come on, this is crazy!" "No, no, wait a minute." "We're gonna stay and meet our contact." "Right, who is he?" "Never met him." "You don't know what he looks like?" "How are we gonna single him out?" "I mean, it's not like he can wear a carnation in his lapel." "Why don't we just sit down over here," "See who pops by, okay?" "Hi." "Well, hi, there." "Mm, you have a great body." "Ha." "You have a great towel." "I'll be in room 12." "Seemed like a nice person." "What was that all about?" "Oh, Maggie, she was just... flirting, it's no reason to be jealous." "Oh, well, I'm not jealous when they flirt." "I'm jealous when you flirt." "Oh!" "Come on, Maggie, it's bound to happen." "I mean, we're adults." "These things happen." "Look, it's no big deal." "Hi." "Hey, jocko, I'm sitting there." "She is with me, I am with her, we are together." "Do you understand that?" "And we'd like to be alone." "Thank you." "Jodie, that could have been our contact." "The only thing he wanted to contact is wrapped up in your towel." "Maggie?" "Hey, you pervert!" "Get away from us, huh?" "For God's sake..." "No, don't hold me back..." "Jodie!" "What are you...?" "Just put your hands up, okay?" "I have your information." "Oh, sorry, just first impressions." "For you." "For you." "Do you wanna take a shower?" "No thanks." "No thanks." "Uh-oh!" "What is it, what is it?" "Here, read." ""Your daughter is living in a kung-fu fortress in Malibu."" "Malibu?" "Yeah." "There's a flight out tonight." "Come on, let's go." "Well, since it's Malibu, I won't have to change." "[MUMBLING]" "Excuse, please, Don O'Donnelly," "[LAUGHING] but we can't..." "Huh?" "Can't understand what you're saying." "[MUMBLES]" "We can't hear." "Oh, oh, oh." "My apologies, gentleman." "I have root canal." "They told me to keep it packed." "[GROUP LAUGHS]" "I know I speak for all of us when I extend my sympathy for the passing of Vito Hersh." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, it's a shame." "Whose heart unfortunately gave out moments after his throat was cut." "[GROUP LAUGHS]" "This, of course, creates a vacancy in Arizona, which I have decided to fill with Elmore Tibbs." "Hey, thank you." "Thank you, Don O'Donnelly." "That's all right." "Thank you." "Well, heh, heh." "Oh, please." "I would like to say first that I am really looking forward to taking over our Arizona operations." "See, I get these headaches, and I know Scottsdale is gonna be very good for my sinuses." "Now, why don't you stand up and tell us what's going on in Connecticut?" "All right, well." "Well, first, there's a kink in our massage-parlor operations." "The new sheriff of Dunn's River will not cooperate." "Now, I've threatened him, I roughed him up," "I've blackmailed him, but still, he's breathing down my neck." "Well, I finally had to take out his deputy." "So needless to say, the heat is on." "[GUN FIRES]" "Hey, what...?" "Don't worry about it." "One of the bodyguards, probably Moose, must have seen a duck." "[GUN FIRES REPEATEDLY]" "Must have seen a whole flock." "Well, yeah." "Anyway, this Sheriff Campbell has got to be dealt with." "I think..." "[SCREECHING]" "[HOOTS]" "All right." "Drop it!" "It's not your bagels, I meant your guns." "Sit down!" "We don't carry guns." "That's what we got security for." "Yeah." "You took this place alone?" "Yeah, that's right," "I took this place all by myself." "Hey, yeah, that's right." "Wait a minute, you." "Hey!" "You, you're him, aren't you?" "Who?" "Who?" "You, who." "Mr. Big, here." "The Godfather!" "Godfather?" "Yeah, like an organized crime... syndicate." "Syndicate?" "There's no such thing as a syndicate." "I'm just an honest businessman from Bayonne." "Who are you?" "Burt Campbell." "Sheriff, Connecticut." "No more, stop that." "[BRITISH ACCENT] Uh, will there be anything else, monsieur?" "Perhaps another carafe of the chardonnay?" "Yes, should I bring you perhaps an apéritif, monsieur?" "Do..." "Yeah." "Yeah, give me a beer." "Yes, I'll be right back." "Godfather." "Tibbs!" "Aah!" "Don't..." "You sly..." "No, please!" "You scum!" "No, please." "Have mercy!" "Mercy?" "You want mercy, huh?" "My son's fighting for his life because of you." "I'm gonna put you away, Tibbs." "I'm gonna put you..." "Please!" "Mr. Campbell." "Hey, it's just you and us, huh?" "Maybe we can make a deal." "I can make you a very wealthy man." "Ooh!" "Maybe not." "I don't make deals with garbage." "All right, come on, everybody up, here." "On your feet, I'm taking everybody..." "On your knees!" "Gonzo, get up here." "All right, everybody goes homes with me, here." "Come on." "Come on, come on." "Come on, come on, go." "Mary?" "Chester." "I got here as quickly as I could." "Is something wrong?" "How's Danny?" "He needs a kidney." "Kidney, you're kidding!" "Chester, would I kid about a kidney?" "They won't take one of mine." "Why?" "They're not good enough." "Oh." "How about Jodie?" "No!" "You could run an ad." "He needs a kidney of a blood relative." "Oh, well, if you're out and Jodie's out, what are you gonna do?" "He needs your kidney, Chester." "Oh, ho, ho, ho." "Well, Mary, I'd be delighted," "I'd give him one in a shot, but I'm hardly a blood relative." "Yes, you are." "No, no, Mary." "I'm his uncle." "No, you're not." "You're his father." "Yeah, Chester." "Before you married Jessica, remember?" "You kidding?" "No." "Mary, that was..." "That one time." "No, Chester, it was two weeks." "Every night." "Two weeks every night?" "Ha, ha." "Boy, those were the days!" "I wish I could do half that now, even a quarter." "Chester." "Mary, why didn't you ever tell me?" "I didn't know." "For 28 years?" "When I realized I was pregnant, you suddenly announced you were gonna marry Jessica." "Mary, I was forced into that." "Your mother was gonna have my father arrested!" "Well, it doesn't matter now." "What matters is Danny." "You're his father, Chester." "You're the only one that can give him a kidney," "You'll do it, of course." "Chester?" "Mary, are you sure he's my son?" "He is your son, Chester." "Do you think that I would ask you for your kidney if he wasn't?" "If you weren't his father, your kidney would kill him!" "You realize everyone will know?" "If I give the kidney, it will give it away." "Chester, without your kidney, Danny will die." "[SIGHS]" "JESSICA:" "El!" "[WHISPERS] Oh, my." "Hide, hide." "El, could I speak with you a mom...?" "Jessica!" "Heh, heh, heh." "What are you doing here?" "Well, well." "Well, well, well." "This..." "This lady is from the Immigration department." "Uh-huh." "Oh, really?" "Yes." "Now, you see, you have to go straight up the stairs here, out the front door, and it would be the third house on your left." "Uh-huh." "Yes, yes, yes." "Um, you will see..." "You will see they have two illegal aliens doing the gardening." "See ya." "I forgot to renew my green card." "Really?" "Yeah." "Do you know what she suggested?" "I bribe her." "I..." "I was shocked!" "How dare you?" "!" "Oh, well, I could have been deported, you know." "It was a small bribe." "I can't believe this!" "I couldn't, either." "I mean, corruption in government!" "I knock myself out to make myself look wonderful for you, I shopped for days for just the right nightgown, and then last night, I threw myself at you, and you walked out of the room." "And now today I find you with another woman." "Oh, Jessica, that was not a woman, that was a prostitute." "Besides, I do it for you!" "I see." "To protect you from my lustful advances." "Fine." "If you can go out with other women, then I can go out with other men." "Oh, no, no, no, no, Jessica!" "Please, no, no, no." "Please." "Okay, first of all" "I do not go out with them." "[LAUGHING] I would never go out with them." "I just have sex with them." "Well, if you can do it, so can I." "Jessica, please." "Now, you are not that type of woman." "So far." "That's the problem." "No, Jessica, please." "Will you sit down over here?" "Let me explain this to you." "You've everything all upside down." "Now, this is a man's thing, this passion." "Men are all the same." "Woman are different." "They come in two shapes." "There are the ones that make love and are garbage, and the ones who go to heaven when they die." "Who says?" "God." "Told you personally, I suppose." "No." "Jessica, the point is this," "I have asked you to marry me a long time now, and you always say no." "So, until you say yes, Jess, go to other women, make a little tiempo, come home, take a nice shower, what's the big deal?" "There is no big deal, but did it ever occur to you that perhaps I might have some of the same needs as you?" "No." "Only men have those needs." "Now, women have needs, yes, yes, to dance and also to hold babies." "Wrong." "Oh, Jessica." "Jessica, marry me." "Marry me, and I will stop all this disgusting stuff" "I do with other women, and do it only with you." "Say I do, and we will." "I can't." "Then I won't." "So don't." "Then you won't." "Wanna bet?" "Hmph." "[SLAMS]" "[CLATTERS]" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Doctor, Mary Campbell is here to see you." "I'm not in, I'm out." "Tell her I'm out, I won't be in all day." "Hello, Dr. Drell." "Mary, hello!" "What a pleasant surprise, come in." "Oh, look at him, isn't he adorable?" "Hello wittle Scotty, do you wemember me?" "I'm your mommy's gynecowogist." "Doctor, I have to talk to you." "Mary, you talked to me yesterday." "I want a second opinion." "He's not an alien, Mary." "Doctor." "Mary, I told you three days ago," "I told you two days before that, and I told you yesterday, that baby came from County General, not Mars." "You think I'm crazy, don't you?" "Go ahead, you can say it." "You think I'm crazy, right?" "Very." "He makes sounds." "Mary, why do you keep doing this?" "This is my son!" "There's something wrong with him!" "And you're a doctor, and I am here because I need your help." "Now, something happened today, something I cannot explain, something that gives me chills up my spine." "Doctor, my baby... flies." "Would you like a bite of this?" "It's very good." "Velveeta." "Fine, you think I'm crazy." "That's reasonable." "I mean, you're probably saying to yourself," ""How could this little baby be an alien when he isn't even silver?"" "Am I right?" "Well, I was skeptical at first." "Well, see, I didn't actually see him fly, but he... moves." "It's called crawling, Mary." "Children do that." "They crawl and they eat and they cry." "He makes alien noises." "He makes those funny noises aliens make, those little peeps and gee-gee-gee-gee-gee sounds." "Ands ick-ick-ick-ick-ick." "I'm not kidding!" "All babies make those little ick-ick-ick-ick-icks." "That's how they talk." "They do?" "Even ka-ka-ka-ka-ka?" "Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka, ick-ick-ick-ick-ick, kippa-kippa-kippa-kippa-kippa, tuppy-tuppy-tuppy-tuppy." "So you just think I'm overreacting?" "Could be that, overreacting." "Sounds a little like overreacting to me." "Look, I have to wash up." "Why don't you ring me, uh, next month and let me know how things are going?" "Okay." "I'm sorry I'm such a pest." "Oh, please, I'm your friend." "Thanks." "If it was anything serious..." "I'd tell you, honestly." "You're not just trying to keep something from me?" "Yes, me." "Mary, please don't worry." "He's a perfectly normal little boy." "[BEEPER RINGS]" "Oh, my God." "I gotta run, Mary." "Emergency at the hospital." "Thanks for dropping by." "Number 45." "Hai-ya!" "Hate to be his dancing partner." "Ai-ya!" "[SHOUTING]" "[GROANS]" "They must have quite a turnover around here." "Listen Jodie, you gotta promise me something." "If they call your number, don't do anything foolish." "What do you mean?" "I mean, I don't want you to try to fight that guy." "It would be suicide." "Maggie, I'd kill myself before I'd fight that guy." "Anyway, don't worry, they're not gonna call on us." "[SHOUTS]" "[SHOUTS]" "Maybe we should have left the gun home and brought the piano." "Number 19." "Jodie, it's your number." "What do you mean?" "That's you, that's you." "Number 19." "That's your number." "No, it's not." "It's okay." "I'm, uh..." "Sixty-one." "Number 19, come forward." "Number 19, why do you not come forward?" "Are you not a brave ninja warrior?" "Huh." "Uh, me?" "No, I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm a..." "I'm a brave, uh, ninja warrior." "I, uh..." "Oh!" "My number was upside down." "Heh, heh." "Ah." "Then come forward now and fight, or are you afraid of death?" "Ha, ha!" "I laugh at death." "You kidding?" "I come from a family with a long history of dying." "Number 19, you're trying my patience." "I am sorry, Your Highness," "I was just waiting for my biorhythms to settle." "Jodie, I can't let you go through with this." "I don't think we have much choice." "Save it." "Are you ready, Number 19?" "Yes, Your Highness." "Uh, how come he gets the wind at his back?" "[GROWLS]" "It's okay, it's okay." "You can have the wind." "Uh, hold it." "I lost a contact." "Enough of this." "Let the fight begin." "Aah!" "[GROWLS]" "Okay, pal, come to Brooklyn, all right." "One time, here you go!" "It worked!" "The Vulcan neck pinch." "Thank you, Star Trek!" "Scotty, beam us outta here!" "Mr. Dallas, I am impressed." "You are obviously more resourceful than Carol had told us." "I know why you are here." "Listen." "You can keep Carol." "All I want is my daughter." "What you want is of no consequence." "Your daughter is being trained to become a ninja empress." "She will stay here and live with our warriors." "As for you, that is another story." "Hold it right there!" "Just hold on one second." "Now, we know the baby is on the second floor, and we want her." "You are foolish to think you can beat the ninja with conventional weapons." "Well, I don't think you understand." "See, this gun is loaded, and I can kill you." "And when you do, my men will swarm on you like the Cubans on Miami." "Maggie, give him the gun." "I'm sorry, Jodie." "Take them to the dungeon!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Now that Jodie and Maggie have been locked up in a dungeon forever, are they upset, and did they remember to bring a change of clothes?" "Since El Puerco has told Jessica that he fools around with other women to stop himself from fooling around with her, will Jessica start fooling around?" "Will they ever fool around with each other?" "Now that Mary has told Chester that he is Danny's real father, will Chester find it in his heart to give Danny his kidney?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap." "[♪]"