"Gloria, listen." "Gloria, listen to me." "You know very well, it's my client presentation today." "Hmmm?" "No, I'm sure you're really sick." "No I..." "I'm not going to rub Vicks on anywhere." "Just get back to watching Bargain Hunt, I'll find somebody else." "God damn it." "Shelley!" "I was only looking at it!" "Come here." "Grab these." "I need your help today." "Oh, Why?" "Gloria's off sick." "Look out, Darrel!" "Will you watch where you're going?" "Distracted by something, Darrel?" "Yeah, the new and improved view." "Do you want a coffee?" "Yes, please, darling." "Darling?" "Get in, Mike." "I take my hat off to you, sir." "Eh, now you're separated, why not?" "HE BARKS" "Life in the old dog yet, eh?" "Do you have sugar, Dad?" "Yes, Please." "Looks mucky, too." "Dad?" "Oh." "Dad." "I'm not kissing you." "Go on, I dare you." "Are we doing the team meeting?" "I am so happy." "Kenny." "Score." "Sorry, where was I on this agenda?" "Number two." "Inappropriate behaviour in the workplace." "Er, oh, yeah." "Yeah, Mike's presentation." "So we've got clients in today." "So no fighting, no swearing, no racing up the stairs." "Aw!" "Where we going to race, then?" "Next, post." "Sorry, guys. this is where I tune out, no post for me today." "Mike's asked me to be his PA." "No, he didn't say you were a PA." "Erm, doing Gloria's job, so in my book, PA." "Probably a pay rise." "Company car..." "Asif, you're helping with the presentation too." "Greeting clients." "But I'm not allowed to talk to strangers." "Oh, Darrel." "Mike says under no circumstances are you to help him with the presentation." "Mike!" "I don't think that's a joke, Darrel." "Right." "Erm, what about this one?" "I'm helping Tania in post room." "Yeah." "Ahhh." "Is that what they call it now?" "I call it favouritism." "I call it sexual magnetism." "Hmmm, magnets." "The boardroom needs setting up, the brochures need doing, you sort out the car park spaces." "Shelley, are you getting all this?" "Er, yeah." "Well, read it back to me." "What, all of it?" "Yes." "Presentation." "Shelley!" "I cannot stress how important this event is to the business." "Now, for heaven's sake, concentrate!" "I am, Mike." "I am." "Now, we have to organise refreshments." "There is a budget." "Budget?" "How much is it?" "ã100. 150" "The budget is for refreshments, Shelley, it's not for you!" "Yeah, but I want to buy something nice." "You know, these are important clients." "Yes, that's right." "So, lager or cider?" "Ooh, snakebite!" "Oh, Gloria, why did you choose today of all days to take the day off sick?" "It's the first sunny day of the year, Mike." "You know, if I hadn't have been on a warning I'd..." "HE EXHALES POINTEDLY" "Just stacking the old shelves." "So, you would be Mike's daughter Ava?" "Oh... (Sorry.)" "Excuse me." "Have you got a spare pen?" "Mine's run out." "I'm just joking." "Have you got a pen?" "No." "This is so unfair." "I can get you a pen." "Not the pen." "This." "I should be on holiday, skiing with my mates." "But no, I've got to do work experience because my dad thinks I need to learn about real life." "And what does he think the Alps are?" "Made up?" "We could go to the indoor snow centre." "They've got an Alpine village." "You sit in these little sledges and the men pull you round." "It's a fun day." "Isn't there anything to do round here for a laugh?" "Apart from the sign gag?" "Apart from that." "Erm...shredding's pretty good." "Do you want to come to the post room?" "It's a right laugh." "We've got a big binding machine." "Great massive lever." "Stop flirting with Mike's daughter." "I wasn't flirting." "Were we flirting?" "You need to go and help with the brochures for Mike's presentation." "Says who?" "Says me." "Executive PA." "Ah." "Just cos you've a clipboard doesn't mean you can order me..." "Ah!" "SHE LAUGHS" "Yeah, I've got five minutes so I'll..." "Nice chatting." "HE HUMS" "Oh, my God." "What's going on?" "Has something happened?" "Have you guys split up or something?" "No." "Why are you not kissing and stuff?" "We're just working, Asif." "Look guys, if you got problems then I'm here, you know." "I can help you with them." "There is this really annoying lad who won't leave us alone." "Don't worry, I'll talk to Darrel." "Now where are we going for lunch?" "Er..." "Er..." "Oh, I made you this." ""Kenia"?" "Yeah, It's just a little congratulatory love card thingy." "Aw, thank you." "Er, cheers Mate." "That's us." "It's lovely." "So you two live together then?" "Yeah." "Yeah, but we're not exclusive." "And we're not inclusive, either." "Free and easy." "That's how we roll." "In your dreams." "Yeah." "I'm not really allowed to smoke." "My dad'd go mad if he caught me." "Too right he would!" "You put that thing out." "Terrible habit." "Now, Shelley, are you ready with the presentation?" "Nearly." "How nearly?" "Nearly started." "You go back to work!" "What's that in your hand, Mike?" "There's nothing" "Yeah there is, I can see it." "It's a pencil." "Right." "Your pencil's on fire, Mike." "This store cupboard could do with a good sorting." "And I'm the man to give it one?" "Oh, I think so." "All right, guys?" "Asif." "Good to see you, man." "Yeah, you too." "I've been looking for yous everywhere, How's things?" "All right." "Until a few seconds ago." "We were just sorting the store cupboard out." "Why don't you go and give the faxes out?" "Yeah." "No, it's OK." "I'll help you guys." "It'll be fun all together." "Three is better than two, yeah?" "♪ There were three in the bed And the little one said" "♪ "Roll over, roll over"... ♪" "Guys, erm, I need someone to help set the boardroom up." "Asif can." "You're good at setting up boardrooms." "You can beat your record." "I haven't got a record for that." "Chance to set one!" "OK..." "Kenny, you can do it." "Come on." "Kenny's helping me." "It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it." "Well, nice to see you've got your favourites." "Yeah, me and Kenny." "Shelley, I do not have my favourites." "Have you done the brochures yet, Tania?" "Give me a chance, I've only just started." "Ahh, busy doing other things, are you?" "I need them by 12." "Come on." "Chop, chop." "Er..." "Can you put your mobile away at work please, Shelley?" "Chop, chop!" "Mike's PA." "I Need to have it switched on at all times so that he can contact me." "Brochures." "Chop, chop." "Can I play "Chop, Chop"?" "I am well scared of greeting them clients later." "I think I might go home sick." "Just shake hands and smile." "You'll be fine." "Maybe just shake hands." "Or you could do what I do when I'm nervous." "Just pretend you're a film star, then nothing fazes you." "Cool, who do you pretend to be?" "Julia Roberts." "I'm going to be Jackie Chan." "Welcome to Fox Cranford." "Now you must die." "Maybe just stick with Julia Roberts." "Right, come on, then." "Have you and Tania done it yet?" "Course they have." "I've seen him do it." "Really?" "!" "Yeah, they're always kissing!" "Not kissing." "Love making." "Come on." "Spill." "What does it feel like?" "A gentleman does not tell." "So YOU can tell us then." "Aw, come on, man." "You're like a god." "You're Kenny!" "The Ken God." "You draw pictures and kiss girls and..." "All right, all right." "Well, erm...it's amazing." "Erm..." "I'm not even sure I can put it into words." "Try." "Well...with Tania, it's different." "Different to what?" "Than what it is with other girls." "Hang on a minute." "You've had sex with other girls?" "Well, yeah." "Oh, my God." "Did you know about this?" "Morning." "Chatting about the match last night?" "No, Kenny was telling us about sex with Tania." "But he's not got to the good bits yet." "Pull up a pew." "They're joking, Mike." "Kenny, relationships involving work colleagues require a certain maturity." "And boasting of your sexual exploits with your supervisor doesn't do her any favours." "You need to be careful." "Johnnies." "What are you lot gossiping about?" "Kenny was just telling us about..." "About the match last night." "Yeah." "Yup." "Yes." "Right, back to work." "See you later, Mike." "We've got to get this room ready for Mike's presentation, all right?" "And no nicking the pens." "They're for the clients." "Why else would Ava ask me for a pen if she didn't fancy me?" "Maybe she needed a pen." "No." "No, this is how women think." "She wants someone to provide for her. i.e..." "Me." "Darrel, you're just putting two and two together and getting five." "Hang on, Shelley, two and two equals four." "No." "Mike's daughter's posh." "She's not going to fancy some gimpy lad from the post room." "I never said she fancied you." "You need to stop getting so obsessed by any girl that even speaks to you." "It's just..." "It's just not healthy." "Are you coming on to me now?" "God, you need a shag!" "Hi, guys." "Hi..." "Ava." "Do you want another pen?" "I've got loads." "No, I'm fine for a pen, thanks." "I do need a bit of help with some boxes." "I've got to take them to my Dad's car." "Ooh, Me, I'll do it." "Do you want me?" "I am quite strong." "I can lift a lawnmower." "This is going to be brilliant." "Yeah." "They're just boxes." "Yeah, yeah." "Whatever." "Ahhh!" "Oh, my God." "This is brilliant!" "Ten four for a coffee, ten four for a coffee." "Roger Wilco." "And out." "You were really funny winding up my dad with that fag." "Really?" "Was I?" "How funny was I?" "Girls like funny guys." "Don't they?" "Yeah." "See, that's why I wanted to go skiing." "Meet some guys." "So you're single, then?" "Very interesting, Mr Bond." "Er...yeah." "There are some funny guys here." "Remember?" "Remember the cigarette gag?" "He just won't let me do what I want." "What do you want?" "I want some fun!" "Mint." "I want to do something crazy!" "Let's start the car!" "OK." "Do you know what would be funny?" "I'm not going to run him down, Ava." "What are you doing here?" "Get out of my car." "Now." "Should I turn the engine off first?" "You can't just bully me around and make me do everything you want." "I'm not one of your work monkeys." "Yeah." "Shut up, Darrel." "Sorry." "This is exactly why you failed your GCSEs." "Oh, my God, you failed your GCSEs, too?" "We've have so much in common." "Ava, would you leave us for a moment?" "Honestly, Mike, we were totally hitting it off." "Ava doesn't meet many funny guys like me, Mike." "I think she likes me." "We really bonded, you know, and, eh, come on, I've not clicked with anyone like that since Shelley." "Imagine if we got together." "Darrel, please..." "I know." "It'd be perfect." "We could see each other outside work." "I could caddy for you." "Hey, if we get married you'll be my new dad." "Cos I've not got a dad." "He left when I was little." "This is just so inappropriate." "Honestly, it's not." "It's completely natural." "Boy meets girl." "Boy makes girl laugh." "Girl falls in love." "I'm not having this conversation." "Mike, my intentions are entirely honourable." "I will not touch that girl without your express permission." "Not until you give the green light, lower the drawbridge." "Darrel, enough!" "I am extremely busy today and I'm having a very stressful time." "Now stay away from me and my daughter." "Now, if I see you again today, I will kill you." "You look amazing today." "Aww." "Why, thank you." "Your hair is like gold." "And thank you, Asif." "This is amazing." "Everyone's talking about you, you're like the Posh and Becks of Fox Cranford." "I was going to get your name tattooed across my back." "You are joking." "Yeah." "Going to get it on my arm." "Even Mike's talking about you." "Mike knows!" "What does Mike know?" "He said Kenny must wear a condom." "Oh, no, that is so embarrassing." "We'll have to cool it, Kenny." "Why should we?" "We've got nothing to be ashamed of." "I'm not ashamed." "See." "I'm your supervisor." "It's unprofessional." "People are watching." "I don't care." "Let 'em look." "They're only jealous cos you've got such an attractive boyfriend." "Yes." "Kenny, I DO care." "Don't be like that, Tansy." "Thanks for doing them brochures for us, "Tansy"." "We've still got a lot to do so we need to keep focused." "Who are you, and what have you done with Shelley?" "Sorry, power's gone to my head." "Kenny, refreshments." "Refreshments?" "Means food, drinks, nibbles." "Yeah, I know what it means." "But why are you barking it at me?" "Food for Mike's business clients." "We've got banana butties, cheese paste and crisps." "Wow, an executive feast." "Well, as much as I'd love to help you with your fine dining, I'm helping Tania." "No, I think you should help Shelley." "What?" "What do you mean?" "What?" "I think it'll be good for you." "For us." "Are you serious?" "I think, erm, sandwich preparation is probably what our relationship needs right now." "Are you sure our relationship's ready for that kind of commitment?" "Oh!" "It's all right, Kenny." "I'm here, let it all out." "Cheers, man." "Oh, God, Shelley." "I don't know what to do." "Well, just line 'em up and then leave a gap in the middle." "No!" "No, about Ava." "It's the classic dilemma, Shelley, old as time - the job or the girl?" "I've put everything into my career." "And that, you know, that's always been the focus..." "but then Ava came along." "Like a bolt from the blue." "Bang!" "Not expecting that." "Wow." "What would you do, Shelley?" "I'd go for the job." "Yeah, but what about the girl?" "Yeah." "Seriously, stick to the job." "Darrel." "I've found beer." "Darrel, that is for the clients." "Do not go near that beer and for God's sake, stay away from this presentation cos it'll really wind Mike up." "She's right, Ava." "We shouldn't even be talking." "This..." "No, this is dangerous." "Cool." "Why?" "Because your dad said he'll kill me." "And then sack me." "Cool." "Why?" "Because of us." "Us?" "Me and you." "I think he sensed our connection." "Well, I sort of told him, so..." "Did you now?" "Look, Ava, I know this is hard for you." "Christ, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do." "And I am so sorry." "Look, Ava, you are one great girl and one day you will meet someone and you will laugh again." "Maybe not as much but, you know." "Just promise me one thing." "When you go... through that door and out of my life, don't look back." "OK?" "OK, Darrel." "I'll try to be strong." "Shelley, do you want to get a beer?" "All right, yeah." "No!" "Ava!" "Wait!" "OK, going to go for the gamble here." "Darrel, don't do this." "Er, Shelley." "You had your chance." "Would you like to..." "Talk about mixed signals." "One minute they're all over you." "Then the next, they just don't want to know." "And they are so manipulative." "And they are always brushing your hair!" "I hate that." "You know we're not talking about our mams, don't ya?" "We're actually talking about our girlfriends." "In that case..." "Kenny, you need to stop being so clingy." "It's like watching a fight between an octopus and a...girl." "And you." "Wake up and smell the toffees." "She's not going to be interested in you." "On the end of the day, you are Darrel." "Er, no offence, mate, but I think we've had a bit more experience with women than you." "Oldest." "Second oldest." "I'm not going to let Tania boss me about any more." "Yes." "From now on, we don't take no shit." "Not from nobody." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Oi, where are the refreshments?" "I said 1:45!" "It's nearly ten to." "Sorry, just coming now." "Nearly done." "How long does it take three men to make a few butties?" "About as long as it takes one woman to do her hair in the morning." "Get in." "Asif, What are you still doing here?" "Clients are arriving." "Go greet." "What you doing?" "Being Jackie Chan." "You might want to take your pinny off." "Sorry." "Ah, don't apologise." "Tedious woman." "Boring the life out of me." "Corey." "Corey Black Insurance." "Are you here for the presentation?" "Yeah." "Thought so." "Dreadful affairs, these things." "Cranford's an awful windbag." "Did you come last year?" "Went on forever." "I hope he cuts it short this time or I might have to send my business elsewhere." "Know what I mean, eh?" "Yeah." "Too right!" "Hey do me a favour, hold my bag while I nip for a slash?" "And, er, save me a seat next to you." "I promise I won't play footsie with you." "Straight in the eyes." "I mean, he won't like that at all." "He's very serious about that." "Oh, Darrel." "Ava." "You OK?" "I'm just peachy." "Can I borrow your trolley?" "I see, like that is it?" "Now you need something, come crawling back to the D Man." "Well, what if I don't want to give you my trolley?" "Well, then I'll just go down to the post room and get one." "You know what?" "Just take it." "It's all I've got left anyway." "Oh, come on, Darrel." "Don't be like that." "We can still be mates, can't we?" "You're the only one around here I can have a laugh with." "I am a funny guy." "Which was my best gag today?" "Sign gag, cigarette gag, trolley..." "Why don't you come and help me with the presentation?" "I'm not allowed." "Remember?" "Shelley said." "Oh, come on." "I know my dad better than anyone and I know he would want you there for his big moment." "Really?" "Nothing would give him greater pleasure than seeing that face at his presentation." "For Mike." "So near, and yet, so far away." "(Stop it, Kenny.) Just a few feet between us, yet it might as well be an ocean." "We are supposed to be being professional, remember." "Hold me." "Shut it!" "I'm really sorry about my colleague, she's got big fat stupid clumsy hands." "Really sorry." "Really sorry about my coll..." "Are we ready to rock and then roll?" "Ladies and gentlemen." "Everybody in the house, I want you to give it up for the main man, the big bad wolf, it is Mr Michael..." "Cranford!" "Whoop!" "Shhhh." "Here he comes now." "It's a big day for the boy." "He's looking fabulous in that navy-blue suit." "Ooh, a little stumble." "But he's recovered like the pro that he is." "Thank you, Shelley." "Well, thank you." "Thank you all for coming here today." "Some new faces, some very..." "Some very familiar faces." "HE CLEARS HIS THROAT" "And so, our..." "Our first topic will be the Caselaw Update." "LIGHT LAUGHTER" "The Court of Appeal Judgments have been somewhat inconsistent to say the least." "The devil, as ever, is in the detail." "Not, as we all thought, in the Lord Chancellor's office." "HE LAUGHS" "SHE LAUGHS" "(What is wrong with you?" "I'm being professional.)" "You're being immature." "Now, you're negotiating with a difficult client." "What do you do?" "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." "That doesn't mean you have to get into bed with them." "HE LAUGHS" "Mike is dying on his arse." "(Yeah, well he probably needs the love of good woman, like what I need." "(Will you give it a rest?" "(My heart." "Broken in two." "(By an ice queen." "What?" ")" "An ice cream?" "(No, ice queen." "Your heart's cold." "You've got a cold heart." "You're cold-hearted!" ")" "With such far-reaching changes in our business, the coming year will be a huge challenge." "But, by working together, I am convinced that we will all come through it much stronger..." "He saw me. ..no matter what unexpected irritations may POP UP." "When do we go in?" "Soon." "Now?" "Not yet." "He's going to be so excited when he sees it." "Yeah, just keep letting him see you." "Keep his spirits up." "Mike!" "(Can we talk about it later?" "(Oh, yeah, when there's nobody else around, so you don't have to be ashamed." "(I'm not ashamed of ya." "(Prove it.)" "You are such a child." "Ooh, holding hands!" "Risky(!" ")" "I can get anyone to hold my hand." "Asif holds my hand all the time." "Yeah, but does Asif do this?" "Yeah, he does." "Yeah." "What else can I do?" "I am certain that we will be able to surmount the challenges that lie ahead." "Wahey!" "Michael Cranford, everybody!" "Michael Cranford!" "Shelley, I haven't finished." "It's all right, Mike." "Cue door." "Go, Kenia!" "I know them." "Oi, Door!" "Ta-dah!" "Fountain chocolato!" "That is amazing." "You are welcome, Mr Cranford." "God, the presentation was a complete shambles." "Chocolate fountain, bloody rapping, people kissing." "Christ!" "You made me look utterly ridiculous." "You always look ridiculous, Cranford." "Corey, I'm sorry about the, erm..." "Well, about...everything." "Great presentation, Mike." "The best I've ever been to." "Chocolate fountain." "Wow." "We need to celebrate." "I need to drown my sorrows." "Nonsense, we need to celebrate all the work I'll be giving you." "Hell, if Fox Cranford's good enough for Wadsworth Khan, it's good enough for me." "Wadsworth Khan?" "Jackie Chan, Wadsworth Khan." "Real big hitter, he tells me, you know." "Top guy." "Well, I'm delighted to meet you, Mr Chan." "Hello." "I've got 500 claims coming your way." "500!" "We're going to make a lot of money, Cranford." "Well, in that case I think a celebration IS in order." "I, er, I haven't, er, organised..." "Don't worry, Mike." "I've got it under control." "Party this way." "MUSIC: "In For The Kill" by La Roux" "♪ They say we can love who we trust... ♪" "So glad we're back together." "♪ Oo-ooh" "♪ But what is love without lust?" "♪" "Oh, God." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk" "♪ I'm going in for the kill" "♪ I'm doing it for a thrill" "♪ Oh, I'm hoping you'll understand... ♪" "MUSIC STOPS" "I think Darrel's killed Mike's daughter."