"[Theme music]" "ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants" "See, we're just like you" "We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs" "See, we're just like you" "Yes, we graduate from Harvard" "At the head of my class!" "But if you take sobriety" "I may not pass!" "There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my" "We're just like you!" "[Greg exclaiming in pain]" "[Lively instrumental music]" "GlL:" "Greg, what happened?" "Are you okay?" "No." "I hurt myself." "What's wrong?" "I'll tell you what's wrong." "You just fell for the old Double Flank." "GREG:" "Teamwork: two people of like mind working together for the common good." "Nothing can beat it." "Did I?" "Or did you just fall for the Triple Flank?" "Men!" "[Guns clicking]" "[Exclaiming]" "GREG:" "Except maybe three people of like mind." "It looks like the Gilster is going to open up... a little can of Whipped Ass on all you suckers." "[People chattering]" "Nice to see that stress management class paid off." "Gil organized a big paintball war for this weekend." "Apparently, shooting each other is supposed to promote office unity." "[Susan exclaims]" "I wasn't invited." "Were you?" "No." "You, Susan?" "No." "I guess they didn't invite anybody with boobs." "Except Mickey, the fat grip." "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "I do not want to lose paintball to my dad and those guys." "Don't worry." "I know how we can gain a psychological advantage." " How?" " Check it out." "GREG:" "Eyes in the back of my head." "jimmy:" "Wow." "How it works is, during paintball, if somebody sneaks up behind me... they're going to see these, right?" "Then when they sneak around to what they think is in back of me... that's when they enter my actual line of sight, and I nail them." "They're Sammy Davis, Jr." "commemorative eyeballs." " What do they commemorate?" " His eyes." "Want to hear the best part?" "Just bang them together." "[Music playing from toy]" " Mr. Bojangles." " lt doesn't really sound like Mr. Bojangles." "They were probably too cheap to buy the rights." "Here's the backup plan." "On the off chance that this mockery... of one of America's most beloved entertainers... fails to strike fear in the hearts of our enemies... you and I stick together." "We stay alert." "[Laughing uncontrollably]" "Was that some comedic irony." "Right when you said "stay alert", the Frisbee whacked you in the head." "Jimmy!" "Sorry." "I was playing catch with my dog." " Let me get you some ice." " No, I'm fine." "Okay." "Bye." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Yeah, I could use some ice, because you hurt me, you know?" "jimmy:" "I'm feeling dizzy." "CHELSEA:" "All right." "Come on, you big baby." "[Lively instrumental music]" "CHELSEA:" "Winston, let go of that mangy squirrel." "GREG:" "Bad dog." " I hate squirrels." " Me too." "Squirrels suck." "GREG:" "Jimmy, help me out." " End of discussion." " No, it is not end of discussion, Gil." "I do not want to sing this song with Dottie." "I do not want to sing this song with Blah." "I want to sing this song all by myself." "You hear me?" "Me!" "Warren, I really don't think this is the right attitude for The Sharing Song." " Ladies?" " Gil, we need to talk." "Wonderful." "My door is always open." "How's Tuesday?" "None of the women were invited to the paintball game this weekend... and we'd like to know why." "Darn it, so would I." "You organized the game." "[Hesitating] I'm not sure that's true." "Doris, would you find out who organized the paintball game... and why the ladies weren't invited?" "You're talking into a humidor." "Doris, what happened to my intercom?" "There is no Doris." "Edna, would you find out what happened to Doris?" "You can see I'm swamped here." "I can't..." "But I do want to have this talk, so how's Tuesday?" "Tuesday's really no good, because you're going to be recuperating... from the pummeling we're going to give you this weekend." "Yeah." "Oh." "I'm hearing you roar." "Tell you what." "Why don't you bring that spunk with you..." " to the game on Sunday?" " It's Saturday." "Are you sure?" "Doris!" "[Lively instrumental music]" "Would you stop cleaning?" "Sit down and start playing already." "I am getting seriously overrun by demons here." " Chelsea's here." " God, it gets worse." "What happened to us just hanging out?" "She and that rabid dog have been over here every night this week." "You'd better get used to it." "I like this girl." "So this isn't just about getting a little..." "[Humming]" " How old are you?" " I don't know." "CHELSEA:" "Hey, James." "jimmy:" "Hey." "Winston had a little accident on your lawn." "Is he dead?" "Oh." " That kind of accident." " Come on in." "You want to try your hand at a little Zombie Demon Death Match?" " I hate video games." " Nice talking to you." " You look great today." " Thanks." "I hate my father." "[Winston barking and growling]" "[Greg screaming]" "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "GREG:" "Drop me." "Bad dog!" " What happened?" " He's just so self-absorbed." "He doesn't think about anyone but himself." "[Greg screaming]" "He's completely oblivious to other people's pain." "[Greg yelling]" "Come here." "GREG:" "Let me go, you mangy mutt." "All right, let me go!" "[Greg screaming]" "[Spluttering]" "Stupid dog." "[Greg grunts]" "All right." "One more move, and you'll be lemony fresh." "[Greg laughing]" "What's he doing to my dog?" "Make him stop." "That thing attacked me." "Is my little baby okay?" "Did that awful bunny scare you?" "You're going to kiss her after that?" "And you, you're going to lick your nads after that?" "Chelsea, I'm so sorry." "Greg's had a fear of dogs... ever since he lost a relative at the dog track." "Because the dogs chase, and he's a..." "I'm going to take Winston outside." "Come here, buddy." "You know, there's a name for..." "I can't believe..." " I hate..." " Come on, put a sentence together, honey." "Wait!" "Slipping on the porcelain!" "[Greg mumbling incoherently]" "[Bugle playing]" "Paintball gun, check." "Goggles, check." "[Greg knocking]" "Check." "[Jimmy whistling]" "[Greg exclaims]" "Nice camouflage." "Where are you trying to blend in, Pottery Barn?" "Listen, Greg." "Chelsea and I thought we might go up to wine country today." " There's a Pinot Noir festival." " A what?" "We used to make fun of words like... pinot and noir and festival." "I know, but Chelsea really wants to go." ""Chelsea wants." Look at you, man." "You're on a shorter leash than her stupid dog." "We used to hang out." "We used to play Nintendo." "We used to melt stuff." "That's so cute, that you're jealous." "Don't worry." "It's perfectly normal, perfectly healthy." "Just a tad bit gay." "Says the guy with the sweater tied around his shirt." "James, come on." "We're late." " Greg." " Yoko." "Can we go, please?" "I don't want to miss the train." " I really hate being late." " Sure." "Come on." "This is paintball." "We practiced for a month." "We devised intricate battle plans." "I even had myself Scotchguarded." "[Tense instrumental music]" "I'm sorry, buddy." "I'm coming." "[Hip-hop music]" "When you leave later, don't forget to close the gate." "You can't tell me what to do." "I don't want to close the gate." "Why would I want to close the gate?" "[Drum roll]" "[Greg yelling]" "Down, boy." "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "GREG:" "Can't we talk about this?" "[Winston growling and snarling]" "GREG:" "You want a treat, Winston?" "GREG:" "I'll get you a treat from the kitchen if you don't bite." "Look out!" "Oh, God." "Stop." "Sit." "Play dead." "Play paralyzed." "Play anything." "Just play it away from me." "No!" "GREG:" "Oh, no!" "GREG:" "Uncle!" "I give." "[Greg screaming]" "[Greg panting heavily]" "[Exclaims in delight]" "There you are, Señor Truck." "I thought I'd lost you forever." "Look what Cujo did to my back." "But don't worry." "You and I are going to be safe right under here." "Pain, terror, panic." "Three words most people don't associate with paintball, but they should." "Don't eat those." "While the paintball is designed to not break the skin... they do break the skin." "INSTRUCTOR:" "They cause pain, welts... and if 'n you're not wearing your goggles... a little something I call "painteye"... i.e. blindness." " Did he just say "blindness"?" " Yeah." "He also said "if 'n."" "All right, let's play fair and have a good time." "[Drum beating]" "Okay, Maggots." "Lock and load." "Oh, yeah." "That's going to look real good right there." "Yeah?" "You better bring it." "Because when I'm out for blood, I never let sex get in the way." "That's funny." "For me, it's just the other way around." "[Blowing whistle]" "All right, men." "Let's go to war!" "[Lively instrumental music]" "Let's do it." "Yes, you're all dead men." "All in favor of blowing off this nightmare, say aye." "Blah." "I got enough flashbacks between Nam, acid I took at Woodstock, Nam." "The green ones make me horny." "[Winston growling]" "I know we've just been reunited, but at this point..." "I must ask you to risk your life in order to save mine." "GREG:" "Oh, God." "[Greg speaking Spanish]" "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "[Winston grunting]" "[Air horn blowing]" "GREG:" "That can't be a good sound." "[Winston barking]" "Señor Truck!" "[Warren breaks wind]" "[Blah and Jack exclaiming disgustedly]" "[Warren laughing]" "You guys don't know comedy." "[Cell phone rings]" " Hello?" " Thank God." "Jack." "I'm at home." "I'm trapped under my couch... by a crazy dog who's been trying to kill me." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "[Winston barks]" "[Gasps in shock]" "Señor Phone!" "We're going to Greg's place." "He needs our help." " Why?" "What's wrong?" " No time to explain." "Wait a minute." "There's plenty of time to explain." "Greg's place is 40 minutes away." "[Drum roll]" "[Lively instrumental music]" "We're a team, Gil." "I know, but you've got to be quiet, okay?" "Okay, I'm going to be quiet now." "Seriously, we don't want to get shot." "TARDY:" "Okay, Gil." "[Singing] I am singing the quiet song" "The quiet song The quiet song" "I am singing the quiet song" "Tardy, you know what?" "I really hate to do this, but..." "Do what?" "You're dead!" "You're dead!" "You can't talk." "I'm dead, Gil." "[Tardy squeals]" "Wow." "I am singing the quiet song, the quiet song..." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "Gil, where are you, buddy?" "Come on, I just want to talk." " Alison, is this really necessary?" " I want to beat Gil." "We're not going to do it walking around like a bunch of girls." "It's hot, there's poison oak." "I just got stung by a bee." " I can't feel my face." " Dottie, suck it up." "I'm allergic." "I knew I should've brought my own car." "Why are we even here?" "Because we weren't invited." "So what?" "If we were, we wouldn't have to be here?" "Isn't that a little ridiculous?" "If we stayed home like the good little girls Gil thinks we are... then he gets all the power." "If you want to unleash the real power inside of you... you can't be afraid to ask for help." "Have either of you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?" "Please shoot me." "WARREN:" "What do humans see in these things, anyway?" "If I wanted someone to lick my face and poop on my lawn..." " I'd get back together with Farrah Fawcett." " Just keep that thing away from me." "BLAH:" "My boy, you're torn." "GREG:" "I told you this was an emergency." "There's your problem there." "In fact, you got two problems." "They're both between his legs." "What?" "They look fine to me." "I wish mine looked that healthy." "Mine hang so low I need a cold shower before I can get on an escalator." "[Greg yells]" "To calm this mutt down, you're going to have to go in there... and shut down that testosterone factory." "I can't take a dog that isn't even mine to the vet... and get him neutered." " You don't need a vet." "I'll do it." " What?" "I grew up on a farm." "My chore was to castrate the bulls." "I don't know." "The ball's in your court, Jack." "First thing we'll need is some anesthetic." "Clearly, this is where I make my contribution." "WARREN:" "Get the pack open." "Let's see, we got some Vicodin, Percodan..." "Percocet, greenies, yellow jackets, and a red one." " What's the red one for?" " Let's find out." "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "I am singing the quiet song, the quiet song, the quiet song..." "DOTTlE:" "This heat is unbearable." "Where's the water?" "SUSAN:" "I drank it." "All right, Alison." "I've had enough." "We're going home." "We're not going anywhere until Gil is splattered with paint." "And I've got the car keys, so..." "Yeah?" "I've got my finger on the trigger." "You can't shoot Gil if you're dead." "You don't have the guts." "Drop it." "You drop it." "Ladies, let's just cool out." "Let's all agree that it would be nice to have a penis... but the sad truth is we don't... and some of us probably never will." "[Gil screaming]" "[Tense instrumental music]" "[Gil exclaiming]" "[Gun shots firing]" "alison:" "Die, Bender!" "DOTTlE:" "Kill!" "[Puffs]" "Why?" "[Moans]" "Now we can go." "We're dead, Gil." "[Tardy squeals]" "[Gil moans]" "[Lively classical instrumental music]" "[Blah applauds]" "Bravo." "After you finish stitching up Greg..." "I'm seriously thinking of letting you give me a little snip and tuck." "Very impressive, though I'm feeling mighty woozy." "You're feeling woozy?" "I've been keeping up with that pill dog for dog." "I just didn't realize it was going to look so deflated." "I mean, look at it." "[Stuttering]" "Chelsea's definitely going to notice that." "We need to put something, or do something..." "It's just so..." "[Greg groans]" "The kid's right." "We have to find this pooch a couple of stunt doubles." "[Funky instrumental music]" "Pronto." "[Winston snoring]" "[Chelsea chuckling]" "[Chelsea cooing]" "Hi, Greg." "Oh!" "Hi." " I must have dozed off." " Right next to the killer dog, no less." "Aren't they cute?" "Yeah, you know..." "He does seem much calmer, doesn't he?" "I guess we patched things up." "Hey, baby." "How's my Winston?" "Come here." "GREG:" "Oh, yeah." "He's a dream." "Just a dream." "[Music playing from toy]" "What's that?" "It's supposed to be Mr. Bojangles." "[Greg stuttering]" "Why is it coming from my dog's scrotum?" "What did you do?" "I swear, the whole thing was not my fault." "He was just walking along... and, suddenly, don't ask me how, his berries fell right out." "GREG:" "Rolled across the floor." "One went under the fridge." "GREG:" "The other is God knows where." "Still looking." "So, how was wine country?" "Did you pinot some noirs?" "Oh, my God, James." "What did he do to my dog?" "Make it stop." " What happened?" " What do you want me to say, man?" "That Jack came over here and neutered the pooch... and replaced his kerbangers with Sammy Davis, Jr.'s eyes?" "Is that what you want me to say?" " ls that what happened?" " Yeah." "Are you totally insane?" "No, the dog is." "Or at least he was." "Look what he did to my back." " What is that?" " He attacked me." " You must have been taunting him." " You should be a rape counselor." "I'm so sorry." "I can't believe I didn't see what was going on." "You're apologizing to him?" "He castrated my dog!" "You castrated my best friend." "We weren't listening to him." "Look at what happened." "Anybody in his position would've done exactly the same thing." "[Music playing from toy]" "Maybe not exactly the same thing." "You've got to admit it's kind of funny." "It could be a lot worse." "Yeah, he could have The Candy Man coming out of his butt." "You're not helping." "I hate you." "You are just like my father." "What are you talking..." "She has got some serious father issues." "Yeah." "The sex would've been so good." "I'm sorry I blew that for you, buddy." "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you about that dog." "It's okay." "[Jimmy sighs]" "We good?" " Yeah, we're good." " All right." "[Lively instrumental music]" "GREG:" "Teamwork: two people of like minds working together for the common good." "Watch out for that zombie behind the bridge!" "GREG:" "Nothing can beat it." "[Warren moaning groggily]" "[Slurring] Drugs destroy dreams." "Just say no." "Stay in school." "[Thud]" "[Lively instrumental music]" "GlL:" "Looks like the Gilster's going to open up... a can of whipped applesauce on all you guys." "That's right." "We put the "pain" in "paintball."" "What?" "[Upbeat instrumental music]" "When I get these goggles off, you and me are going to have a talk." "Just as soon as I do it." "You just wait." "You stay there." "I got a bone to pick." "Stay right there." "Don't move." "[Greg grunting]"