"Cleaver:" "She's going, "I can't, I can't"" "I'm like, "Come on, Patty, why not?"" "And then she says, "Because my teeth are jagged"" "What a fuckin' freak, can you believe that shit?" "What was she doing down there if she wasn't going to put it in?" "Hey, Miles" "Miles:" "Gentlemen, I have just enjoyed my first threesome" "Various:" "Ooh's and Aaah's" "Whoo!" "Are these the Quinn twins?" "You son of a bitch, you got double teamed by the fabulous Quinn twins" "Dude, you been on such a wicked tear lately, man" "Weren't you with that blonde fuckin' hottie just last week?" "That's right, Tommy Debbie Zimmerman" "Wasn't her box completely shaved?" "He likes the clean biscuit" "Miles:" "You don't mind it either" "Tommy:" "What about that freaky-ass chick from a couple weeks ago?" " Anita Kahn" " Anita Kahn" "She had a stellar body" "Cleaver:" "Gave you all three inputs if I recall" "Nothin' wrong with a little mud on the old helmet" "Cleaver:" "Miles, Anita Kahn" "Is that Kahn as in James Caan, or Kahn as in wrath of?" "Wrath of, why?" "Well, Quinn, Zimmerman, Kahn" "The "Q","Z", and the "K", those gotta be the most difficult letters in the whole alphabet Right?" "I guess" "Look, I gotta get this down on paper, while it's still fresh" "I'll see you strugglers later" "You still keep a record of every chick he bangs?" "Oh yeah, bangs, hummers, hand jobs, ass play, you name it It's all in the journals" "Fuck, dude, how does he do it?" "Some guys they're just born with it" "And the rest of us well, we have to wait around for the jagged tooth retards" "Adios, ladies" "Hey, don't lock me out again" "Cleaver:" "Fuck off!" "Miles:" "Oh Ben, I'm sorry" "Nice!" "Snappin' one off, are we?" "Leave him alone!" "Big deal, like he's the only one that's beatin' his eggs in this place?" "It is a big deal to him" "All right?" "He's not like you, thank God" "He's shy" "Cleaver:" "And is that my fuckin' problem?" "Come on, Miles" "That fuckin' pussy has gotta start acting like one of the guys sooner or later" "Miles:" "Yeah, I know, but just don't bust his balls when he comes back" "Yes, Mom Can I see the picture again?" "Are you going to bust his balls?" "No No!" "Don't lick it!" "CMFU, Campus Radio" "Cleaver:" "In less than a month, you railed a "Q", a "Z" and a "K"" "I still can't get over that" "Miles:" "Yup" "You know with those letters out of the way, you could probably hoink the entire alphabet before you graduate" "I mean, If you haven't already" "Who was before the Kahn?" "Let's see what the good book has to say" "We had Tanya Anderson, Debbie Spinoza;" "before that we had Marcia Springer and Sue" "HmmSue, uh Sutinsky" "I gotta write slower, but it definitely starts with an "S"" "Okay, so that's like three "S"s Okay what a waste" "Who would have thought the "S"s were such sluts" "Hmm" "Why don't you do it, man?" "Why don't you do the entire alphabet?" "Fuck off!" "No, no, just listen, listen" "Using your books, and some of those pictures that you've taken, we figure out which letters you've already gotten since, like, first semester" "Then we figure out which letters you have to get before you graduate," "I don't know, to make it complete" "And what for?" "Because we could parlay a poontang quest like this into some major coin, that's what for" "You mean actually take bets on this?" "Hell yeah" "You know, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think I want to get involved in any of your gimmicks" "Fuck, Miles!" "Is it the battery?" "It's the battery" "Do you know what you're doing?" "I like to think so" "Here, hand me that file" "Thanks" "Here, try that, that should work" "Try that, that should work" "You should really get the battery replaced" "Yeah, I've been told I should get the battery" "replaced" "Thanks" "Cleaver:" "Now, there are two months left before Miles graduates, and according to his diaries, these are the letters he's already gotten" "And these are the ten letters he has yet to get" "Now there will be an overall bet whether he completes the whole alphabet or not" "Those are 30 to 1 odds, as well as side bets for each individual letter" "The tougher the letter, the greater the odds" "Who decides which are the tough letters?" "Common sense does" "Okay, names starting with "M"s and "N"s, they're a lot more common than those starting with "U"s and "V"s, so "U"s and "V"s would be the tougher letters" "And let us not forget the mother of all tough letters, the dreaded "X"" "I think it'd be impossible to meet an "X", let alone fuck one, so the odds on the "X" are already 10 to 1" "Am I going too fast for anyone here?" "Big Eddie:" "If you're serious," "I definitely want in on this action" "Cleaver:" "I'm glad to hear that, but, uh there's just one, teeny, weenie little setback" "What's that?" "Miles ain't exactly agreed to do this yet" "Okay, let me get this straight" "You want me to carry a camera with me at all times, no matter where I go, find girls whose last names start with specific letters of the alphabet, have sex with them, and either talk them into letting me take their picture," "or if they're not into it wait around till they've fallen asleep, then very quietly take a picture of them without waking them up, and then bring the picture back here as proof for you strugglers" "Yeah, is that going to be a problem for you?" "No, I just wanted to make sure I got it straight" "I can't believe I'm actually witnessing this" "Hey, even if you ain't betting', Mr Nice guy, you gotta keep your mouth shut" "Ben:" "Says who?" "Big Eddie:" "Says me, bitch" "All right, gentlemen, let the games begin!" "# When I walked the hot ass fucks" "# And they go all the way" "# When I talk the chicks all gawk" "# 'Cause they just wanna play" "# As for me" "# It's all about quality" "# Easily" "# I'll do 'em from "A" to "Z"" "# When skirts drop I open shop" "# And night turns into day" "# Four feet under my sheets..." "Miles:" "Gentlemen," "I'd like to introduce you to someone" "The "O"" "Any way you look at it, it's still an "O"" "Got 'em Got 'em" "Need 'em Got 'em" "Need 'em Got 'em" "Got 'em Got 'em Need 'em" "# Do them from "A" to "Z"" "# Line 'em up" "# I'll shoot them down" "# One by one" "# They'll go downtown # yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "# As for me" "# It's all about quality" "# Easily" "# I'll do 'em from "A" to "Z"" "# As for me" "# It's all about quality" "# Easily" "Miles:" "In all the letters, this is going to be the bitch of the bunch" "So, let me see if I got these names right" " You're Tiffany Smith, right?" " Yep" "And your friend here is Michelle Noonan?" " Noonan, yeah" " Michelle Noonan?" "Now that's not with a "G" or a "P" or anything, is it?" "No!" "It's "N", for Noonan" ""N" for Noonan" "Miles:" "Need 'em Got em Got em" "Need 'em Got 'em Got 'em" "Time" "Man:" "Don't forget, everyone, Friday's tutorial is cancelled" "Please read chapters 9 through 11, they will be on the test" "Excuse me?" "Yes?" "Um I was just wondering if, uh if you knew if we had a tutorial on Friday" "No, the prof said it was cancelled" "Oh, that's right, he did, didn't he?" "Oh, I'm Ben" "Gabrielle Nice to meet you, Ben" "Oh wait!" "I think you forgot your book!" "Man on TV:" "It's guaranteed to put the fire back in your firearm!" "Sergeant Rock-Dick gives you a major woody in your private parts." "Miles:" "That was a complete waste of sweat" "Not one decent piece of tail in the entire gym" "Cleaver:" "Oh, I'm sorry, brother" "Guess what?" "I made new charts" "Miles:" "Yeah, you're missing the "P"" "What?" "Miles:" "The "P" Yeah, I railed her a while back" "She was between the "C" and the "I"" "What the hell is that?" "That is a wicked shit I took while you were in class" "I thought you might want to see it" "That's disgusting" "There she is The "P"" "She's been hounding me ever since" "Oh, send that nag my way, I'll do her silly" "She ain't worth the hassle Pass me a highlighter" " Here you go" " Thanks" "So, any new prospects?" "Miles:" "I'm seeing an "N" tonight" " Nice" " Yeah" ""N" being for Whoa!" "Chewbacca, what's with all the fur?" "What are you talking about?" "Cleaver:" "Uh, your pubes man," "Don't you trim 'em up?" "Ben:" "No" "Well, you should, sasquatch" "Why the hell would I do that?" "Aside from the obvious, because chicks dig it, that's why" "You're nuts" "What do you need all that extra padding down there for, anyways?" "Oh, I forgot, excessive masturbation" "Fuck off, Cleaver!" "Fuck off, Cleaver!" "Miles, does he always have to be here?" "Miles, does he always have to be here?" "Look if you're so in fuckin' love with him why don't you move in?" "Hey!" "Cleaver:" "Fuck, I'm just trying to help the guyout, okay?" "Fine, you tell him, because Chia-dick here thinks it's still 1979" "In his disturbed way, Cleaver does have a point, Benny" "I mean, all the guys are trimming it up" "Girls have been doing it forever and now they expect the favour to be returned" "Nah, you guys you guys are just fucking with me, you want me you want me to shave down there so that you can tell all the guys and they'll make fun of me" "Something's gonna begin..." "Cleaver:" "Loose now, motherfucker!" "Jesus!" "Cleaver:" "What?" "My pouch, look how smooth it is, It's nice, right?" "It looks like raw turkey" "Oh, it fuckin' does" "Ben:" "You're sick!" "Cleaver:" "Oh, I'm sick" "Okay, If a chick's going to lick a ball sack, do you think she's going to like this or your fucking bird's nest?" "Ben:" "This is by far the gayest fucking day of my life" "Okay, it's not gay, Benji, it's physics" "Come on, Benny, a confident hetero shouldn't be afraid to whip out the old yam bag to prove a point" "Does part of being a confident hetero mean you have to sleep with 26 different women for money?" "Uh, I'm just trying to help you out Fuck" "Oh my God, look at the water spots all over my glass" "You know, Michelle, if you want to go somewhere else we can just" "No, it's okay I'm sure it's clean" "It's spotty, but clean" "Waiter:" "Is this a better table?" "Mmm" "May I take your drink order?" "Michelle?" "I'll have a white wine spritzer" "Oh, with Sprite, not soda Sprite" "A glass of your house red, please" "Red wine?" "That's so gross, it totally stains your teeth" "Michelle:" "Can we order dinner now?" "Of course" "Miles, you go first, I'm still looking at the menu" "Ah, okay Um" "Yeah, I'll have the Porterhouse, medium, with a loaded baked potato" "Great" "You eat meat?" "How can you do that to those poor, furry little animals?" "I ordered a steak, it's cows aren't furry or little" "You better watch yourself" "What goes around comes around" "You may be reincarnated as a cow" "With some big oaf sticking a fork into you" "And for the lady?" "Oh, I'll have the tuna fillet and your house salad" "Oh, with the dressing on the side" "Back with your drinks" "Uh, I don't get it" "You don't eat meat but you ordered a tuna steak" "I didn't order a tuna steak, I ordered a tuna fillet" "Okay, but, my point" "Michelle:" "And tuna's not meat" "I have a very clear rule" "I never eat anything with faces" "And fish don't have faces Only profiles" "Thank you" "Ugh" "So, what's the story with that car of yours?" "What's wrong with my car?" "It's a relic!" "It's a classic" "A Porsche is a classic Yours is a fossil" "When we were driving here I felt like I was driving to church with my grandpa" "Okay, that's enough All right?" "I can't take any more of your constant complaining" "I don't have to take this from an "N"" "I could throw a bun and hit another "N"" "Maybe if you were an "X" or a "U"" "But an "N"?" "You've got to be kidding me" "Take a cab home, if you can find one you like" "And I'm taking this" "Wendy, hey!" "What a surprise" "What are you doing here?" "Well, um" "I just haven't heard from you in a while" "I called a couple times but I guess you've been pretty busy" "Yeah, I've, uh I've been a little preoccupied, you could say" "I guess" "Well here, I, uh I baked you a pie" " A pie?" " Yeah" "Wow, wow, that's swell" "It's a peach pie, so "P" could be for peach, or for Peterson, right?" ""P" for Peterson Yes, sir" "Uh, you shouldn't have" "I wanted to" "Hey, you want to go maybe grab a coffee or something?" "Well, you know, I'm, uh I'm pretty bagged, and, uh, I've already had a pretty rough night, so" "Well, if it's something you want to talk about" "Not really No, thanks though" "Okay, um" "Well good night?" "Yeah, yeah, good night" "I mean, pie Wow Peach pie" "I'll give you call later, see how you liked the" "Pie" "Did you know you have no face?" "That's right, you only have profiles" "Not only that, I got a psycho Betty Crocker hanging outside my room" "Well I'm telling you buddy, for a lunatic, she makes a kick-ass pie" "I just hope she didn't poison it" "Where's Benny?" "Oh, I think he's at the pub with the guys" "Fuck it, it's early, I still may be able to grab a stat" "You coming?" "Cleaver:" "Yeah, I don't mind getting my horn scraped tonight" "Miles:" "Roadie?" "Cleaver:" "Don't mind if I do" "Cleaver:" "Your camera" "Oh, thanks" "Oh shit, the "P's" back!" "Fuck!" "No" "You should've seen the look on your face" "This is my shit" "I am so getting some pussy!" "All I ask is that you don't get anything on that shirt" "I'm not going to get anything on your shirt" "Miles:" "Where's the crew?" "Lot of nice talent here tonight, ah?" "Not too shabby" "Next pitcher's on me" "How you doin' Ben Chia-dick" "Hi, I'm Miles" "Hi, Rebecca" "Nice to meet you, Rebecca" "Nice to meet you" "You got a last name, Rebecca?" "Stenson" "Sorry?" " Stenson" " Barmaid: $1250" "That's a shame" "Oh Hey, Miles, how about that girl over there with the big breasts?" "Whoa, check out the crazy funbags on that chick!" "That's nice" "Those are so mine" "Those are so fuckin' yours" "No, I was pointing her out for Miles!" "No, I was pointing her out for Miles Grow up, fuck" "Dude, dude, dude, check it out" "That's the girl that fixed my car" "No, you don't want her, Miles, you know what they say:" ""Good from far is far from good", right?" "I've seen her up close, Benny" "She's good She's real good" "So, what you doin' here, hero?" "You finished three pumpin' the "N" yet?" "You guys done strugglin' on the dance floor yet?" "It's the fuckin' "P"" "Great" "Cleaver:" "So what are you going to do?" "Miles:" "It's the "P", man, I can't get rid of the fuckin' "P"" "Probably should get your prostate checked" "Thanks, I'll look into that, Doogie Jackass" "God, I mean, first the "N's" a bust, then I've got this psycho baking me a pie?" "Miles:" "And those strugglers are bustin' my balls" "Busting my balls" "Take a pill man, relax, all right?" "Whatever, but I can't face that P-sycho twice in one night" "Okay, well, you're going to have to go solo, because I'm staying right here and hitting on that girl with the great big boobs" "All right Well, come by the bomb shelter after you strike out" "That's not funny!" "Jerk" "How you doin'?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Hey, Ben!" "Ben!" "Ben!" "Why don't you take your fucking balls out of your purse and go talk to her?" "So what do you call the other one?" "Huh?" "This doesn't have your phone number on it" "Hi, remember me?" "Gabrielle:" "It's Ben, right?" "From Ethics?" "Yeah!" "Gabrielle:" "Do you want to sit down?" "Sure, if you don't mind" "I'm going to walk around for a bit" "Bye" "It was nice meeting you" "So, how about that test we got on Friday?" "I know, I'm going to be at the library for a week for that one" "Hey, Cleaver" "Hey, Benji" "Why are you looking like the cat that just got his dick sucked?" "Did you fucking talk to that girl?" "Yeah, I talked to her" " Fuck outta here Really?" " Seriously" "Fuck Nice!" "You talk, uh, to big guns yet?" "Uhh Check it out" "I take it you're in" "I'm so fuckin' in" "Ben:" "Sergeant Rock-Dick?" "Cleaver, what's this?" "Oh, that is thunder in a pill, my flaccid friend" "You see, Benji, you only get one chance to make a first impression, and I am going to make mine a lasting one" "Shit, Cleaver, is that safe?" "Not for her" "Cleaver:" "So you live here alone, or?" "Woman:" "No" "Cleaver:" "So you got a roommate?" "Woman:" "Yeah, I got a roommate" "Cleaver:" "Guy or girl?" " It's a girl" " Yeah?" "You know, you really didn't have to walk me back" "Hey, no, no that's okay, 'cause, you know, there's a lot of dicks around here So" "Yeah, there is a lot of dicks around here" " Yeah" " Well anyway, this is it, so" " This is it, huh?" " Yeah, I'll see you around, okay?" "Vikki, um" "Can I can I come in for a drink or something?" "It's really late I have to get up early tomorrow Yeah" "Oh, uh, okay" "No, I really don't want to be so blunt" " But uh" " Hmm?" "You're about to waste a perfectly good diamond cutter here, babe" "That is disgusting" "It's not disgusting, It's physics" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Can I call you tomorrow?" "Vik?" "Hey!" " Cleaver:" "Hey!" " Having a good time tonight?" "Things are looking up" "I like your shirt" "Well, it likes you" "Really?" "Really" "Looks like somebody's had enough to drink, huh?" "Never enough" "I've got lots to drink at my place" "Really?" "You coming?" "Oh, fuck yeah, I'm coming" "Those are interesting pants" "Can you show me how they come off?" "Cleaver:" "You know, I gotta say, I love what you did with the place" "Girl:" "Oh yeah?" "Oh!" " Oh shit" " Oh!" "I spilled on you know what?" "I think we're going to have to get this shirt off" "Yeah?" "Oh!" "Ohh, I spilled on you" "I think that's going to have to come off" " Really?" " Yeah" "Yes!" "Oh my God, Miles" "Stacy Usher" "Stacy:" "Oh, Miles" "Oh, "U"" "Stacy:" "Oh yes Oh!" "Stacy Usher" "Miles:" "Who's Stacy Swanson?" "Stacy:" "I am Oh!" "Miles:" "I thought you said your name was Usher" "Stacy:" "It is" "Okay, hang on, you're confusing me" "I'm kind of drunk, I don't have a whole lot of blood going to my brain right now" "My mom got re-married so I go by both" "What's the name on your birth certificate?" "Stacy:" "Don't stop" "Stacy, what does the name on your birth certificate say?" "Swanson, why?" "What's wrong?" "Nothing Another "S"" "Cleaver:" "Oh yeah, who's your Daddy, oh, oh, oh!" "That's right That's right!" "Who's your Daddy?" "Oh, oh!" "Git along, little doggie, whoo!" "What's the matter, what's the matter?" "You okay?" "What's wrong?" "You don't look so good What's wrong?" "Cleaver:" "Fuck!" "Oh!" "Oh fuck!" "All right, all right uh" "Let's just finish this up doggie-style" "No babe" "Wait, I gotta get behind you" "Cleaver:" "Ben Benji" "I had sex with a girl last night" "And she puked, all over me" "Good morning, sunshine" "Ben:" "What the fuck Cleaver?" "And it went a little something like this" "Ben:" "Fuck off!" "Asshole" "Cleaver:" "How about you, stallion?" "Any letters last night?" "Miles:" "I was railing' a "U"" "Nice!" "She turned into an "S"" "Damn those "S"s" "Miles:" "I know" "Cleaver:" "Fuck!" "Hey, man, what the fuck?" "Dude, these are sacred documents, all right?" "Not to be desecrated by the likes of you" "Okay, relax" "Don't be worrying about your precious little diaries here" "What you should be worrying about are these last three letters" "Okay, tell me Miles, where are you going to find an "X", huh?" "You know, my entire life, I haven't even met an "X"" "How about you, afro-sac?" "You know any "X"s?" "Uh, no No, I don't know any "X"s" "Then go back to sleep" "You know, this whole buckshot approach has gotten us pretty far" "But we don't have a snowball's chance of finding an "X" and a "U" this way" "What do you suggest?" "Leave the "X" and the "U" to me" "All right, well you set up the pins, and I'll knock 'em down" "Another puker, huh?" "Yeah" "You weren't wearing my" "Your shirt?" "Yeah You don't want that back" "No" "Dr Henson never takes his questions from that book" " Hey, Ben" " Hey" " How are you?" " Good" " I thought you might be here" " Oh yeah?" "Yeah This test Friday, it's going to be a bugger, isn't it?" " I know" " Yeah" "I like to come to this part of the library for absolute quiet" "Me too" "Oh, I meant what I said, though" "Henson never takes his questions from that book" " Really?" " Yeah" "Thanks, Ben" "Will you share your notes with me?" "I'd love you, I'd love to" "Cleaver:" "Ah!" "The bible" "Miles:" "You five-fingered bastard That's the directory" "I know, but when there's $10,000 on the line, I can get pretty crafty" "Gentlemen" "Hey, Benny" "Anyways, I already looked through it, okay, and there's only three "X"s on the entire campus" "Ouch" "I know, there's two Xu's, and one Xeropopple, whatever, it's a Greek name, I think" "Are you guys still doing that stupid alphabet game?" "No, Benny, this is another one" "How would you feel if someone did this to one of your mothers?" "I'd like to do it to his mother" "Fucker!" "Anyways, those Xu's they have like, fucked up first names, so I'm not even sure if either of them is female" "Actually, their names kind of sound similar to those Chinese pandas" "But I'm guessing they're not related" "Probably not" "Anyways the Greek, I'm pretty sure that she's female" "I mean, Gabrielle, that's a chick's name, right?" "Miles:" "What faculty is the Greek in?" "Uh, she's in vets" "Okay, I looked into her Okay?" "Her class isn't till Monday, she lives off Campus, so I'm thinking in the meantime, we look for the "U"s and the "N"s on campus" "Miles:" "Why don't we just focus on the "U"s, man, we can find "N" anywhere" "What?" "Hello, how are you doing today?" "I'm fine" "Is your name, Miss Unger?" "I'm so busy right now, I mean" "It'll just take a second, I just have a couple questions to ask you" "I'm so sorry, I'm studying and I'm really in a focus mode" "Are you single?" "Yes?" "Miles:" "Is focus mode like, code for bitch?" "Cleaver:" "Are you single?" " No" " No, you're not, okay" "No, you're not But do you believe in premarital s" "Robin is that with a "Y" or with an "I", Miss Upshaw?" "Oh no, I'm not Robin Upshaw, that's my roommate" "That's great Thank you for your time" "Can I help you with something else?" "Uh, what's your name?" "Stephanie" " Stephanie" " Newman" "Stephanie Newman with an "N"" "Yeah" "Hi" "Hi, are you Angela Uverik?" "Yeah that's correct" " Um" " What's that?" "Actually, I'm just doing a survey" "Guys, I'm not really dressed for it, why don't you come in?" "I got I got this one You're looking kind of tired" " Hi" " Hi" "I'm Miles" "Hi Nice to meet you Angela" "Miles:" "The "U"" "Bring on the "X"" "Giddy up" "Nice" "Miles:" "Now how do we find her?" "Hey, buddy, do you know a Gabrielle Xeropoppa" "Xeropopolous" " Yeah" "Sure, she's still in the lecture hall Can't miss her" "Thanks Top gun" "Oh dude, I'm not liking my odds at all" "Oh, there's only one way to find out" "Cleaver:" "Gabrielle!" "Miles:" "Holy crap" "Cleaver:" "What?" "Dude, that's her" "That's the girl that fixed my car, the one from the pub" " Oh, the one that Ben's sweet on" " What?" "You really dodged the bullet there, I mean, she's nice" "She's a damn sight better than nice" "Shit, I'd do her if she was another "S" Okay, here she comes" "Did you just call me?" "No" "Yes You don't remember me You fixed my car" "Uh, the red T-bird" "Oh, right, did you replace the battery yet?" "Not yet, but she's running great, and I wanted to track you down and thank you and take you out to dinner" "You don't have to do that, it was no big deal" "I'm Miles, by the way" "Gabrielle" "And I'm Cleaver, just in case you were wondering" " Hi - Gabrielle, that's nice" "Thanks, my friends call me Gabby" "All right, Gabby" "I said, my friends call me Gabby" "Cleaver:" "Burn" " Hey" " Hey This is Fran" " Fran this is" " Cleaver, at your service" "Gabrielle:" "Right" "This is my roommate, this is Miles and Cleaver" " Hi" " Hi" "Miles:" "So what do you say?" "You don't have to take me to dinner, it was no big deal" "Are you are you kidding me?" "I mean" "You're turning down a free dinner?" "Nothing's free" "We could make it a foursome Huh?" "I have to study for a test I have tomorrow, and then I have to go to work" "Miles:" "Great, I'll come by your work" "I work at Taylor's Automotive, it's not exactly conducive to visitors" "Okay, tomorrow night" "Fran:" "Someone's a tad eager" "Gabrielle:" "Actually, Fran and I planned a movie night with the girls, so maybe we'll just play it by ear Okay?" "Okay" " See ya" " Okay" "Gabrielle:" "See ya" "I think she's gay" "Yep, I mean what else could it be?" "Do you think she's doing her roommate?" "I would pay cash money to see some of that live lesbo action" "See, now, that'd make sense" "I mean, movie night with the girls?" "Pfft!" "Tell me that's not code for wild lesbian pillow fight night with the girls" "And how about the clincher, she's a mechanic, for Chrissake?" "God" "Well this is ass!" "And here I thought this girl was going to give you all three inputs," "I mean, she's Greek They're into that, you know?" "This is ass I mean she's beautiful, she's playing hard to get, and she's an "X"?" "It's dripping with irony when you think of it" "Yeah Well, if anybody can get her, it's you, Kemo Sabe" "Yeah you're right No more Mr fucking Nice guy" "It's time to bring out the big guns" " Big guns" " Big guns!" " Big guns!" " Big guns!" "Big guns!" "You guys are so fuckin' pathetic" "How long's he been here?" "I don't know" " Big guns" " Oh yeah" "Oh!" "Gabrielle, hey!" "How's it going?" " Hi, Miles" " Hi" "So uh, you still doing that uh, girl that girl night, thing, tonight?" "Yeah, that's still the plan" "I think we should go out tomorrow night" "I'm working tomorrow" "At the mechanic shop?" " Yeah" " Right" "You should really have some sunscreen on" "You don't want to get skin cancer See ya!" "See ya" "Yup She's definitely a rug muncher" "Trainer:" "All right, Ben, what we're going to do over here is try to get you on a muscle building program" "You know, get your body used to the idea of coming to a gym, working out, lifting weights" "Actually, have you ever been to the gym before?" "Oh yeah, I just took a couple months off" "All right, well, this shouldn't be any problem for you then, tough guy" "Miles, what are you doing here?" "Are you trying to get me fired?" "Well, Gabby, If you're not going to let me take you to dinner," "I'm taking dinner to you" "I can't believe this is happening" "I'm sorry, am I embarrassing you?" "Miles, my boss is going to be back any second" "Then let me take you to dinner" "Okay, pack this up and I'll let you take me for dinner" "When?" " I don't know" " Oh!" "I hope you like cheese!" "Okay, how about Saturday?" " Saturday's good" " Okay" "Here, let me write down my number" "I finish work at 6:00 on Saturday and you can pick me up at 8:00" "There" "8:00 it is" " I'm in with the "X"" " Fuck off!" "I'm In with the "X" I'm in with the "X"" "Oh, I'm in with the "X"" "What the fuck does that mean?" "Well, Bennyit means I'm in with the "X"" "Let me see" "So she doesn't eat from the bushy plate after all?" "Miles:" "Hey, apparently not, we're hooking up Saturday" "Nice How could she resist your charms?" "Yeah, there but for the grace of Miles goes God" "Hey, I like that I'm going to use that, Ben" "Miles:" "What's up?" "No Just" "Just when you nab the "X", I mean, it's over" "Oh, come on, there will be other contests" "Sweet victory" "I can't wait to see Sylvie and Big Eddie's faces right after I rail the "X"" "Aren't you ever worried about catching a fucking disease or something?" "No, Benny Never shower without a raincoat" "Oh, you know what?" "I'm just about out" "Cleaver:" "I got some domer-domers you can use" "Thanks, but I'd rather use ones that weren't bought in grade nine" "Cleaver:" "Uh, they're new, jackass" "I wear a minimum of three" "I mean, it cuts off the sensation and makes my dick look bigger" "Uggh!" "Hello" "Uh, sorry, Miles isn't here right now" "Oh, this is his roommate, Benji He's so busy" " Wendy?" "I'll tell him you called" " Fuck off, Cleaver" " Okay, bye-bye," " Cleaver:" "Hey, Ben, come back to bed!" "Ben:" "Fuck off!" "The friggin' "P" She's like a curse!" "Cleaver:" "Okay, brother, brother, okay" "Let's not worry about her, okay?" "We gotta keep the positive energy flowing" "Miles:" "Soon, my pretty" "Ohh, yes" " Miles?" " Yeah?" "There's a lot of money at stake here" "I know" "Okay, what I mean is that, okay, if we don't win this contest, and by we, I mean, you, I can't cover the bets alone" "How much money are we talking about?" "Oh, I don't, I don't know, um something in the neighborhood of $30,000" "What?" "$30,000 as in, three, and four zeros?" "That $30,000?" "That's it" "How?" "Well, the odds on the "X" are through the fuckin' roof," "I mean every guy in rez has taken action on it" "I mean, when she rejected you the first time, I mean, they more than doubled" "And the fact that she's so stinkin' hot made them double again and again" "Then fuck 'em, fuck 'em all" "It'll make my victory that much sweeter" "Cleaver:" "I love you" "Yeah, I love me, too" "There by the grace of Miles goes God" "Yeah, I like that" "Gabrielle:" "Come in!" "Hello, it's Miles" "You haven't forgotten about me, have ya?" "Gabrielle:" "No, I'll just be a second" "All right, I'm just going to go through your stuff" "Gabrielle:" "Hey!" "I'm kiddin' I'll just wait out here" "Can I help you?" "No, um, hi" "I Gabrielle was just talking to me and I was, um just waiting for our date" "Uh-huh" "Miles:" "Fran, I swear to God, I didn't I didn't even know she was there" "Oh, of course you didn't" " Sorry to keep you waiting" " Hey, no biggie!" " All right!" " You guys have met, right?" "Yeah, and I'm learning so much more by the second" " Okay!" "We better go" " Okay, good night, hon" "Good night Don't be late, I'll wait up" "Gabrielle:" "Okay" "Hey it's Saturday night, and if you're like me and have nothin' better to do than listen to me," "I can help you feel cool on CMFU, campus radio" "# Becoming what I hate" "# To have sex on the first date, yeah!" "# The party's on tonight" "# I'm heterosexually just right" "# If you're looking gay you don't have to try # you don't gotta try" "# Tonight is my night" "# For muscle for shine" "# The sluts will be mine" "# So bring on the shit" "# So bring on the shit" "# The party's on tonight # you dirty motherfuckers!" "# The party's on tonight" "# I'm heterosexually just right" "May I start you off with drinks?" "Uh, yeah, do you like red wine?" "I love it" "Great A bottle of your house red, please" " Gabrielle:" "Thank you" " Thanks" "Miles:" "Am I keeping you up?" "I'm keeping you up, aren't I?" "Excuse me, no, sorry It's work Honest" "That must be tough, you know, going to school and working at the same time" "It is, but I don't have much of a choice" "How about you?" "Miles:" "Work?" "Not really" "I mean, I lifeguard in the summer" "But I don't work during the school year" "Gabrielle:" "And saving lives at the beach pays all your bills?" "No, it doesn't, I'm on a scholarship" "Gabrielle:" "Really What kind?" "Academic" "Wow Didn't realize I was on a date with a brainiac" "Yeah I'm full of surprises" "Yeah?" "I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing" "You can decide later" "Waiter:" "Ready to order?" "I'll have a nine ounce steak with a loaded baked potato, and can you cook it medium?" " Waiter:" "That's great" " Yeah" "I mean, make it two" "Thanks" " Cheers" " Cheers" "Hey, baby, why don't come back here and tryout my jackhammer?" "Yeah where you goin', don't you know mustache rides are free?" "Eat this, assholes" "Yeah, keep walkin' ya stupid whore" "Sounds like you boys need a lesson in manners from" "The Menstrual Avenger!" "Male cartoon character:" "Manners?" "I'll eat you and your manners for breakfast!" "What's up?" "Guys:" "Ah!" "We'll see, we'll see" "I guess it does look a little bigger" "Benny" "So, how'd it go?" "First base, second base, third?" "Oh come on, Miles, on a scale of one to ten, how'd it go?" "It was the best ever" "What?" "You fucked her?" "Nice!" "So you were just bullshitting with the guys out there?" "That was a nice touch Okay, uh, you got the picture?" "I didn't even touch her I didn't even kiss her" "She gave me a peck on the cheek, though" "What?" "Oh, that's fuckin' gay" "Did you at least remember to tip her chaperone?" "I can't remember having a more fantastic time" "Well gee son, I'm so glad you and your little lady friend had such a peachy time" "Oh, we're going out again" "Yeah?" "So you'll fuck her next time" "You can't hoink every broad on the first night, that's what I always say, huh?" "Sure, whatever, I don't feel like talking about this" "Sure, whatever Why not?" "No, I don't think she's the right girl for the contest" "You don't think she's the right girl for the contest?" "Fine You know Don't fuck her then" "Go fuck one of those Chinese pandas" "Frankly I don't give a rat's ass who you fuck anymore as long as their last name starts with an "X"" "Miles, fuck we need it soon, I can't take the stress no more," "I'm up to two packs of Rolaids a day, I think I'm getting an ulcer" " Cleaver" " What?" "I'll get an "X"" "Which "X"?" "I don't know, but I'll find an "X"" "Okay" " Okay?" " Okay" "All right?" "But it's late" " Okay" " And I'm tired" " Okay" " Okay?" " Okay" " Okay" "Okay, I'll see you at breakfast" "Okay" "So you didn't even feel her up" " Okay" " Okay" "Hey, Ben" "Hi, you" "You smell good" "Really?" "I showered after my workout" "You look totally different" "Did you get all new clothes over the weekend?" "What, these old rags?" "Nah, I've had this 'drobe forever" "Ben?" "Sorry Here" "Miles" "Hello, Fran" "She's not ready yet" "Okay, I'll, uh just wait out here" "Come on in" "Maybe if you time it right you can walk in on her when she's about to pee" "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?" "You're lucky she likes you" "Fran:" "These are my friends, Abby and Stacy" " Miles:" "Hi" " Hi" "Hi!" "Hey" "Hello" " Are you okay, Miles?" " Miles:" "Yeah!" "Fine, it's a nice day" "Fran:" "You look pale" "No Pale?" "No I'm good" "I'm good" "Gabrielle:" "Sorry I'm late" "Miles:" "Hey, no biggie Don't worry about it" " We should go, though We should" " Okay" " Yeah" " Did you" " Yeah Hi, yeah" " Oh!" "Okay" "See you guys later" "# Love came from behind" "# And opened up my eyes" "# To a world of rainbow skies" "# Oh, I thought I'd never find" "# I'm not the nicest guy" "# But this chick blows my mind" "# And her smile makes me high" "# She makes my heart cry" "# Love bent me over" "# Tore out my insides" "# Filled me up with her goodness" "# Now I'm a one-chick guy" "# I'm a one-chick guy" "# Oh, I'm a one-chick guy" "# Oh, I'm a one-chick guy..." "Miles:" "No" " No, Gabrielle, that's amazing" " Thanks" "You can call me Gabby now" "Hey, Benny I might be bringing Gabby back here tonight, her roommate's a bit of a ball buster, so perhaps you could make yourself scarce and not be here?" "That would be nice" "And where the hell am I supposed to go?" "Did you ever think that for just one second" "I might be bringing a girl back here?" "No Okay, listen" "Here, there's $10, $20" "Go see a movie" "Go see a couple of movies" "Huh?" "A couple of movies I gotta run" "Hello No, Wendy, he isn't here" "I don't know, he's, uh" "He's gone right now but he'll be back later" "And uh, I won't be here, I'm going to be gone all night" "Yeah, okay Bye" "Picnic basket right" "Miles:" "Holy crap" "Gabrielle:" "I should go" "Miles:" "Please don't leave I have no idea what's going on here" "No You need to sort this out And I gotta go" "Wendy, what are you doing here?" "Are you here for Ben?" "Do you know that I was actually stupid enough to think that you might have liked me?" "Yeah, listen, Wendy" "Wendy:" "Don't "Listen, Wendy" me" "You're happy you got your fuck, right?" "Wendy, it's not like that" "Wendy:" "It's exactly like that, asshole" "You had your fun and you don't care who gets hurt" "God, I can't believe I was so stupid" "I can't believe I liked you I can't believe I baked you a pie" "Man:" "You're going the wrong way, honey!" "What just happened?" "Some of your stats coming back to haunt you there, Miles?" "Not now, Ben" "Yep, you love women, don't you?" "You love the way they look You love the way they fuck" "But as soon as you blow your load, that's it The love affair's over, isn't it?" "Okay, who blew their load?" "Miles You got the "X"" "Cleaver:" "Miles and Xeropopolous sittin' in a tree" "F" " U-C-K-I-N "X"!" ""X"!" "Cleaver:" "Don't leave me hangin' brother, give me the picture!" "Okay, uh, well I looked into those Chinese pandas and I got some bad news" "One of them turns out to be a fuckin' guy, and the other one's been, like, deported or something 'cause no one can seem to find her" " Cleaver" " Cleaver:" "Okay, Miles" "We're "T" minus two weeks but we're still in pretty good shape" "But, brother, honestly I think you should have railed the "X" by now" "Miles:" "Gabrielle?" "Yeah she has name, it's Gabrielle It's not "X"" "Okay Gabrielle" "So when are we fucking Gabrielle?" "Miles:" "Aw, Jesus Christ, don't, Cleaver Listen" "It's over, it's over Take your contest and get out, would you?" "What are you talking about, It's not over" "No!" "Take it and get out" "What the Oh, this fuckin' sucks" "You want you want to piss away a legendary stat quest and all that fuckin' money for some tighty that's your call" "Man, what happened to you?" "You used to be cool" "Fuck!" "And take that fuckin' smirk off your face, man" "Cleaver:" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "I'm going to assume this sabotage is all you're doing?" "She's going to find out about you sooner or later" "Miles:" "I love her, Ben" "Please" "Miles:" "I love her" "Ben:" "You don't even know what that is" "Oh, and you do Huh?" "Cleaver told me about the crush you have on her, man" "It's obvious But here's a shocker, she's not interested in you" "And no matter how much of my cologne you steal, or how much you swifty up your look, you'll always be you" "And you know what?" "I'll always be me" "You're so fucking conceited" "Miles:" "Ben, she's out of your league" "And you know what, the sooner you realize that, the happier you'll be" " Hey, listen, Gabby, about last night" " Don't bother, Miles" "No, listen, I have this whole speech planned, just let me get through it Okay?" "Oh, and did that girl help you write it?" "Miles:" "Look she was just someone that I dated once, but there was no chemistry so we didn't date again" "But she just sleeps in your bed when you're not there" "You don't believe me, do you?" "Gabrielle:" "I don't know" "Listen, I'm not seeing anyone else" "I don't want to see anyone else" "I don't want you seeing anyone else" "Miles, my ex-boyfriend was a player" "He was cheating on me the whole time we were together and I had no idea" "I don't need another guy like that" "I'm going to regret this" "No you won't" "Miles:" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Who was it?" "They hung up" "Ben, I think you're a really great guy" "And I like you a lot Just not more than a friend" "You don't even know Miles" "I know enough" "What about Wendy?" "He explained Wendy" "And you're okay with that?" "Ben, all I care about is what goes on with Miles and I from this point forward, okay?" "We'll still be friends?" "Okay" "Okay, listen Ben" "We've been buds all year, right?" "And I hate losing friends over girls, 'cause nine times out of ten it ain't worth it" "Generally speaking I think you're a good guy, I do, and that's why I'm not too proud of the things I said to you the other day" "But I think you had it coming for that stunt you pulled" "Okay, that's about as mushy as I'm going to get so you can take it or leave it" "All right, now don't get all fruity on me" "Where you headed?" "Dumpster, then laundry You need anything thrown out?" " No" " No?" "Okay I'll see you at dinner" "Miles:" "Oh, and Ben?" "I really do love her" "Man:" "Miles, you fucking cock Where's my fucking money?" "Miles:" "Fuck you" "Ben:" "I'm sorry, but, I thought you had to know" "It's a game He's trying to fuck the entire alphabet and you're the "X"" "Gabrielle:" "I can't believe this" "Miles:" "Silvio, I think something died in your room" " Silvio:" "Huh?" " Miles:" "Yeah It's not right" "It's so not natural Your room, my eyes, they're bleeding" "Silvio:" "Nice underwear, faggot" "Hey, Gabby, wh" "You little fucker" "Don't blame him, you evil prick" " Now listen, Gabby it's not" " You want to fuck an "X"?" "Gabrielle:" "You go fuck a xylophone!" "Wait!" "Gabby, wait, Gabby" "Miles:" "Look, Gabby, I can explain" " It's Gabrielle to you, asshole" " Okay, fine, Gabrielle" "It's not what you think, Okay?" "My feelings for you are real" "Those other girls, they didn't mean a thing to me" "Oh, that's nice" "I'm sorry, but it's true!" "Look I threw out all those photos and diaries to get rid of my past, for you" "Then why were they in your drawer?" "I don't know I mean, Ben must have fished them out of the dumpster" "Fuckin' weasel!" "No, look, okay before I met you, I didn't know I was such an asshole" "Okay?" "But I've never met a girl like you" "You're different than any girl I've ever met" "You've made me want to change" "Okay, no, Gabby God, Gabby, please" "I am begging you, give me another chance" "I'm not the same guy that did all that stuff" "When I hear you talk like that, it makes me want to puke" "You're a pig All men are pigs" "So do me a favour and leave me the fuck alone" "CMFU campus radio on the all request hour" "I'm sending this one out as a special request to our buddy Miles who's in a real bad place right now" "# I can't believe that I've found all I wanted" "# In you..." "You can say "I told you so" whenever you want" "# I haven't done what I have to do" "Miles:" "Can I come in?" "No" "Miles:" "Is she here?" "No" "Miles:" "Would you tell me if she was?" "Fran:" "No" "Miles:" "Come on, let me just" "Look, you even try getting in here, I'll cut your fucking dick off" "Okay, fair enough #... to you" "# How many times" "# Will I say that I'm sorry" "# How many times" "# Will I say that I'm sorry" "Hi, uh Gabrielle Xropoleus?" "Fran:" "Thanks" "What are you doing?" "The door's open" "Yeah, um, Wendy the "P"" "she, uh she gave me that to give to Miles, but since I ain't talking to him, you give it to him" "We're not exactly on speaking terms, either" "Really, why not?" "You know Miles, he's just going through a weird thing right now" "Yeah, no fuckin' shit" "I mean that guy's been hoinking chicks left and right all year, and now he's pussying after some chick he hasn't fucked yet?" "Come on Doesn't make sense" "It's always sad when one of the great ones retire, eh, Ben?" "Let's just hug it out It'll be okay" "Be strong" "Big Eddie:" "Give me my fuckin' money, man!" "Cleaver:" "Fuck off!" "Ben: "Dear Miles, I want you to know I appreciate the letter you wrote me" "Of course I accept your apology"?" " Big Eddie:" "Hey" " Hey!" " Fuck face" " Big Eddie, how's it going?" "What did I tell you about fucking with my money?" "What are you talking about?" "If my bet's no good because you opened up your pansy trap," "I swear to Christ I will knock the living piss right out of you" " Big Eddie" " Don't give me that shit, bitch!" "Miles:" "Am I interrupting something special?" "Word is, big mouth here fucked up your shit with the "X" 'cause he likes her" "Yeah, well, Benny didn't fuck up anything, it just didn't work out" " Big Eddie:" "Well, superhero" "Then it looks like your pal Cleaver will be owing me some money" "Miles:" "Looks like it" "Yeah" "You all right?" "Yeah Thanks" "Listen, Benny" "Between pulling your daggers out of my back and being assaulted by girls, I've had some time to think" "I guess I haven't exactly treated women like gold in the past" "So I kind of understand why you did what you did Again" "But remember what I said and I meant it" "I'm trying to get her back" "Oh, give me a fucking break" "Honestly He's apologized to Wendy" "He stopped big Eddie from beating me up" "He's not even hanging around Cleaver anymore" "It's like he's on some sort of 12-step do-gooder program or something" "Hmm" "Listen Before any of this stuff happened, he told me he loved you" "I didn't believe him then but I do now" "He really did throw out all those pictures and diaries" "I sort of, fished them out of the dumpster" "Oh, Ben" "Wendy?" "Hi" "Hi" "You don't remember me I'm Ben" "Ben" "Uh Miles's roommate" "Oh" "We've talked on the phone a couple of times I" "Yeah, yeah, of course" "It's nice to finally talk to you face to face" " I'll be right back" " Okay" "Hey, hey Gabrielle, come on, wait a second" "You know if you keep hitting this button people are going to think you're trying to leave" "So when do you start healing lepers?" "I'm working my way up" "What are you doing here, what's this about?" "Actually, I used to spend a lot of time here doing this when my grandfather was dying" "Oh by the way, I really liked your pie" " Really?" " Yeah, it was amazing" "Well, thank you" "Pie" "So, are you going home right after exams?" "Um, no, I'm sticking around for the weekend" "Do you maybe want to catch a movie or something?" "Sure" "I don't know what to think anymore" "Look, exams start in three days, and I don't want to risk never seeing you again" "Meet me tonight Meet me tonight at our spot" "I must be crazy" "All right, so I'll call you tomorrow night" "Okay" "You know what?" "I'm not sure if it matters anymore, but I completely forgot to give Miles your letter" "My letter?" "Yeah, the one you gave to Cleaver to give to Miles" "Because he wrote you the apology" "Apology?" "I don't think so" "Hi" "I was afraid you weren't going to show" "I wouldn't miss this for the world" "Oh It is so fucking on" "Cleaver:" "Oh yeah" "Ooh!" "Boobies!" "What the fuck?" "What?" "Fuck off!" "Boobies!" "What the fu" "Gabrielle:" "Gotcha" "So Shall I call the ambulance?" "Why do you need an ambulance?" "'Cause you're going to need one if you don't got my money" "Okay, okay I'll admit, okay, this is looking a little grim right now" "But, you know, Miles could turn this whole thing around okay?" "I mean, he could change this whole angry mob scene into one great big beautiful orgy" "He can He will" "Please" "# I hate girlfriends # you can't be my girlfriends" "# Hookers" "# You can be my girlfriend if you give me freebees" "# Girls" "# You can have my kid" "# As long as I don't see it" "# Hey, as long as you know" "# I hate girlfriends" "# They can't be my girlfriends" "# Oh, I hate girlfriends" "# Just not my girlfriend" "# But you can be the ride of my life" "# The sun in my moon" "# Just not my girlfriends" "# Can't be my girlfriend" "# I hate girlfriends" "# Whoo!" "# Whip those out" "# Give them some breathing room" "# Why the hell would you strap them down?" "# Whip those out!" "# Off come the panties first" "# Followed by the bra and then we're talking" "# Yeah, we're talking" "# Now, we're bangin'" "# But we don't have to talk" "# I prefer it if we don't" "# But them clothes can still come off" "# Don't tell me that they won't" "# So please get naked" "# You look better naked" "# Now let's make it" "# All the lovely panties" "# Dropping to the floor" "# Sweet back alley handles" "# Ain't that what Rock is for?" "# Less talking" "# And more panty-dropping" "# Less talking" "# And more panty-dropping" "# But if you have to talk" "# I hope that it's to say" "# Can I let these panties drop" "# To that I'd say, yeah" "# And I ain't faking" "# Now all the chicks should get naked" "# Buck naked" "# Buck ass naked" "# All the lovely panties" "# Droppin' to the floor" "# Sweet back alley handles" "# Ain't that what Rock is for?" "# Whoa-oa-oa-oa" "# Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa...#" "Fuck off!" "All right?" "Man:" "Cut!"