"Happy birthday, dude!" " Hello." " Made you a cake." "Can't." "Booked a car show for tomorrow." "And I have been so good this week." "I lost four pounds." "Oh, come on, Cece, it's your birthday." "We're going to eat cake, we're going to watch Clueless on VHS and we're going to try to make prom dresses out of towels, just like we always do." "As if!" ""As if" is like the funniest thing ever!" " I wish I had a step-brother to fall in love with." " I know, right?" "Paul Rudd." "You know, actually, I thought maybe this year we could go out, you know?" "We go party tonight." "Let dogs out." "Catch gypsy." "Ha, ha." "Yeah." "You know, Nadia wants me to go to this last-minute thing she found out about." "So I thought we could all go out tonight." "You, me, Nadia, the girls..." " The models?" " Yes, Jess, the models." "Please?" "You and I have never spent my birthday apart, ever." "Except for that one time when you walked out of my sleepover because..." "When you struck me in the breast." "I bet I didn't even touch boob." "We knew you were stuffing..." "Oh, my God!" "We were all stuffing!" "You've seen my grandmother." "I was not stuffing." " It was 7th grade!" " I've been like this since 7." "Come out with us tonight." " Please, please, please?" " Okay." " I'll come." "Mm-hm." " Thank you." "I so excited." "I shake this thing that my mama gave me." "YOLO!" "[SINGING] Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " It's Jess" "MAN [OVER TV]:" "The Galápagos tortoise or Galápagos giant tortoise is the largest living species..." "Spectacular." "Do you think Jess would be mad if I got a turtle and named it Jess?" "Even though I had that name before she moved in?" " A turtle?" " A thinking man's best friend." "In our home?" "Over my turtle-disease-ridden dead body." "Whatever, dream killer." "What's this?" "I got you a cookie." "What, did you have, like..." " Did you have, like, an extra?" " No." " So you just got me a cookie?" " I was thinking about you." "What do you mean?" "I was thinking about you." "I think about you a lot, bro." "Why?" "Because you're my friend." "You're on my mind." "Do you not think about me?" "Of course not." "Oh." "Schmidt got me a cookie." "Oh." "Very nice." " What do you guys think?" " Smoking hot." "I'm going out with Cece and her model friends and I'm going for promising ballerina turned street walker." "You have too much joie de vivre." "You want to look a little more bored and tired." "Just all together disengaged." "More tired." "Sick, like." "Really let your bones prop you up." "Did you put shoe polish on your eyes?" "I never understand you women." "God!" " Eye shadow, man." " Oh, that's makeup?" "I'd take it off." "That looks crazy." "I can't believe I have to deal with models just to be with Cece." "The last time, it was awful." "The best way to talk to models is just point to objects and describe them." "The table is round." "It's also flat." "Yes, the table is round and it's flat." "Oh, look, a lamp." "I love Cece, and these are Cece's friends, so I should be able to get along with them." "I should be able to deal with the fact that they think I look like a monkey, heh, from a Russian cracker ad." "[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]" "Whatever." "It's Cece's birthday." "It's her special night." "I can get drunk and point at furniture if that means I can spend quality time with my BFF." "Hey, is it totally obvious that I'm not wearing underwear?" "Because it should be." "That makes two of us." "JESS:" "Hey." " You made it!" " Sorry I'm late." "They let in a lot of people ahead of me." "Like, a lot." "Saving the best for last." "Monkey cracker!" "Monkey cracker!" "Monkey, monkey, where you keep the crackers?" "This is so much fun." "Schmidt." "So it turns out there's more than one type of turtle." "I could go eastern box, or spur-thighed or nearsighted loner." "[SCHMIDT SIGHS]" "What was that?" "You just grunt?" " It wasn't a grunt, it was a "hurumph."" " It was a grunt." " A hurumph sounds like this: "Hurumph."" " You took it the wrong way." " Serena Williams, that was a grunt." " It's all good, man, all right?" "It's all smooth in the groove." "Mellow, man." "Mega mellow." "Okay." "What the hell are you doing?" " You don't think about me?" " What?" "Earlier, when I gave you the cookie I heard: "I don't think about you."" " Why would I?" " Because we're friends, not animals." "We're men, Schmidt!" "The only time a man is allowed to think about another man is when that man is Jay Cutler." " I don't know who Jay Cutler is." " Why are you saying "Cutler" like that?" "I don't know what's allowed in the cold-hearted Republic of Nick Miller." "But I know how I feel." "I know how much you love cookies." "I saw it there and thought, I'm going to buy him that." "If I could give you that cookie back, I would." "Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up, mash it into a cookie shape, and shove it down your throat!" "You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?" " You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?" " No." "You're not mama-birding anybody." "I don't want to mama-bird you a cookie." "What is your problem?" "SCHMIDT:" "No mama-birding here." "Okay, I think I got it." "SINGING:" "Monkey, monkey Where you keep your crackers?" "Monkey, monkey You are comrade best!" "You know what?" "The dance is surprisingly sexual for a children's cracker." " Do song again." "Dance, monkey." " I don't wanna dance again." "Dance, monkey." "Monkey, monkey Where you keep your crackers?" "MODELS:" "Dance, monkey." "Dance, monkey." "You know what?" "MODELS:" "Monkey, monkey, monkey!" "You know what?" "No!" "Stop it!" "I don't want to, okay?" "I'm done." "You guys are the worst!" "You're the worst." "I'm sorry, but it's true." "All these racist in-jokes about Romanians?" "Well, guess what?" "I'm one-eighth Romanian!" "Monkey, no!" "I don't know why Cece would celebrate her birthday here." "Modeling's made her dumber." " Nice, Jess." " No, Cece." "No, I'm sorry." "I didn't..." "It's official." "We gotta turtle-proof this loft." "Schmidt cares so much, and you don't think about him." "Are you being serious right now?" "Are you really taking Schmidt's side?" "I am, because I know how you are." "I just don't know why he would run away." "All I ever did was love him." "This rock is so round." "I'm gonna go put it in ajar." "And nothing has changed!" "Nothing has changed!" "You think Schmidt is in the right?" "You realize I say good night to you every night and you never say good night back?" "What is the problem, Nick?" "Do you not want me to have a good night?" "I can't go around saying good night to everyone and buying people cookies!" "I am not a titan of finance, sir!" "Do you know, once a week he cleans your room then returns everything where he found it?" " And I'm weird?" " The dirty t-shirts, which he washes." " I didn't ask for that." "I like living in my messes." " That's the point." "You didn't have to ask." "Nobody buys people cookies for no reason!" "You still don't get it, do you?" "That wasn't a cookie." "That was a..." " What?" " A piece of his heart." "Now, if you don't mind." "Good night." "I'm sorry, but in my defense, Nadia spent an hour explaining to me how to drink vodka with my butt." "You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues." "You kidding me?" "It's not like you work in the UN." "You judge me for being a model." "You always have." "It's your birthday and you won't eat cake." "Cece, you're better than that." "I just feel sorry for you sometimes." "You feel sorry for me?" "You just hit me in the boob." "It was an accident." " It was not an accident!" " Fine." "It wasn't." "Oh, my God!" "Ho, ho!" "What, huh?" "You want that?" "[BOTH MUMBLING]" "What you gonna do now?" " What?" "What?" "What?" " What?" "What?" "What?" "You should go." "Thanks for a great birthday." "Cece!" "You drink with mouth?" "Tonight, drink with mouth." "Well, guess who's not getting a turtle." "They were out of turtles." "I bought a tiny cowboy hat for nothing." " Schmidt's not talking to you." " We're still on this?" "He's tired of doing things for you that go unnoticed." " Things like lining your shoes up at the door." " Don't do that anymore." " Recording your favorite shows." " I appreciate that." " The turn-down service." " That's weird and I never asked you to do that!" "The chocolate mints disappeared on their own." "I thought we weren't talking." "Why are words coming out of that stupid hole in your face?" "I'm a human being and I'm entitled to my emotions!" " Are you crying?" " No." " Are you seriously crying, Schmidt?" " I'm not crying." "[SCHMIDT SNIFFLES]" "JESS:" "Ugh!" "Rough night, you guys." "I forgot to take out my contacts." "I think they're fused to my eyeballs." "What's going on?" "Did you guys watch porn together?" "Why do you do that?" "It's always awkward." "NICK:" "Oh, wow!" "What the hell was that?" "In March, I will have been living with Schmidt for 10 years." "He sent me an email asking how I want to celebrate our "tin" anniversary." "How did you guys become friends?" "Did you hit him with your car and become his reluctant caretaker?" "He lived in my freshman dorm." "And one day, he was just there." "[CRUNCHING]" "Whoa, man, what are you doing in here?" "That's my ramen." " It's better this way." " You add water to it, you weirdo!" "It's not a dry treat, it's a soup." " Who are you?" " Schmidt." "You freak me out, man." "[BOTH LAUGHING]" "This is cool." "We got a good vibe going." "You're a super weird guy." "Hey, sit there while I throw things at you." " Body slam!" " No!" "Don't do this!" "And then he was always there." "And the truth is Schmidt loves me so much." "And to be honest, Jess, it scares me." "I don't think I deserve all of Schmidt's love." "All I do is tease him." "I mean..." "Of course you do." "That's all you can do." "Do you think I'm a bad friend?" "No." "I'm a bad friend." "I got mad at Cece for being a model." " It's a dumb thing to be." " We got in a boob fight." " Feels like I fell forward on a treadmill." " I find that arousing, and let's move on." "She's smart and she's interesting and she could be doing anything else with her life." "The weird this is, I was there when she got discovered." "You." "Take your glasses off." "Okay." "I can take my glasses off." "[CHUCKLES]" "I guess I was always disappointed with her for calling that lady." "It's just when I hear all that stuff about Cece's profession like the dieting, it's crazy, and the butt drinking, and the..." " Did you say "butt drinking"?" " Yeah." "You can't say "butt drinking" and not explain." "It has two of my four favorite things." "I just feel like we have nothing in common, you know?" "Do you ever wonder why we're friends with these people?" "And worse, if we met them now, you think we'd still be friends with them?" "Maybe not." "I should go talk to her." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Well, Nick, I'm out of tears." "Plumb out." "All that's left is just yellowish goo." "That's right, Nick." "Goo." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "That's a third of my life." "Cece?" "Hey, Nadia." "Sorry." "This Wilmer Valderrama." "[CHUCKLES]" "Um, Nadia, that's not..." "I mean, or what I thought he would look like in person." "[MOUTHING]:" "Thank you." "Nice to meet you." "Big fan." "Where's Cece?" "She drink too much." "She puke, puke, puke." "She puke, cry, puke, cry." "She so weak." "You put on pajama, Wilmer Valderrama." "Top only." "Then you make me salad, bitch." "Let's get you into bed, okay?" "I don't think we're doing any modeling today." "No, I have to go, Jess." "I have to go, it's my job, all right?" "You know what, Cece?" "I'm just so sorry about last night." "I know that you're..." "[CECE GAGS THEN SIGHS]" "I know you're an intelligent person and sometimes I just..." "[CECE GASPS]" "I just get mixed up, you know?" "And I think that you're like me..." "Don't worry!" "I'm here!" "Tell me where to stand and what we're selling." "I'll give it everything I got." "I'm calling your agency." "This is totally unprofessional." "Don't call my agency." "Just tell me where to stand." " On the spinning platform." " Yeah, I can't do that." "Okay." "Please, no." "Seriously, don't." "I can't lose this job." "Don't call the agency, okay?" " I'll do it." " What?" "I'm actually a model too." "Mostly in Japan." "They call me "Giggle Bangs Rice Ball."" "I know you're lying and I just don't care." "Get over to hair and makeup." "Now!" "Cool." "[GAGS]" "These things are heavy." "It's like chainmail on my eyes." "Highlight the car features as Gary describes them." "He'll move on to the EcoBoost engine and the new interior." "For the EcoBoost engine, give me something mischievous." " Mischievous." "DIRECTOR:" "Show me mischievous." " And at the end just say, "Ford." "Go further."" " Do I have to wear those?" "Hey, everybody!" "My name's Gary and I wanna introduce you to the all new 2013 Ford Fusion!" "Say hello to my good friend Jessica." "[HALL  OATES'S "YOU MAKE MY DREAMS" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]" "The all new Fusion has been totally redesigned inside and out." "All new styling." "Eighteen inch aluminum wheels." "Three year bumper to bumper warranty." "Five year powertrain." "Available active park." "Available lane keeping system." "Standard voice activated SYNC." "Your co-workers will be jealous." "From power plants that enhance efficiency." "The high voltage lithium ion battery pack provides enough power to operate in all-electric mode for short commutes." "Very smart." "The Ford Fusion is designed to be environmentally conscious." "Fusion Hybrid and the Fusion Energy are each powered by a combination of high-voltage electric motor that utilizes recycled material." "[CROWD GASPS]" "The Fusion is available with an EcoBoost engine a hybrid and a plug-in hybrid." "The SE Hybrid is available with eco-friendly cloth seating." "No matter what color your seats, ha, they'll be green." "Smoother rides." "More fuel efficiency." "The hybrid gets 47 miles to the gallon, so you'll be filling your tank less." "When you do..." "Gary, I can't get out." "It's your old pal, Jessica." "It's not that difficult to get out." "There's also the available Auto Start-Stop..." "[HORN HONKS]" " Use the handle." " What's happening?" "Further, go further!" "[DOOR OPENS]" "Ahem." "Hey." "Uh, Schmidt." "I got you something." "They didn't have a Jewish Star at the store." "So I got you a regular cookie and made the star myself by breaking off the pieces." "It's meant to celebrate your Jewish heritage." " What is this?" " It's a Jewish star." " Okay, Schmidt, just..." " This is so terrible." "You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie." "You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie." "Gave me cookie, got you cookie." "You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man." "You gave me cookie, got you cookie." "We're even." "We're even, Schmidt." "What do you want from me?" "What do you want, Schmidt?" "I've been racking my brain all day." "I walked around the grocery store, man, for 45 minutes." "I didn't know what to get you." "I was thinking I was gonna get you ramen, like we used to eat." "But you probably eat fancy ramen now, with like figs in it." "I don't know, man!" "You love me too much, Schmidt." "And you picked the wrong guy." "And when are you gonna get that through that giant head of yours?" "I'm just gonna let you down." " Are you crying?" " I'm not crying." "No." " Yeah." "You are crying." " Oh, my God." "I'm not crying." "Just drop it." "I just felt like I did something nice." " Yes, you are and that's okay." " Don't say that." "Ahem, you know what I mean?" " Let it rain, man." " I got you the cookie." "It's the best I can do." "What about the turtle?" "You're the only turtle I want." "You're the turtle, man." "I knew I was the turtle." "Yeah, man, you're the turtle!" "You're the turtle!" "[NICK LAUGHING]" "You guys are the best, man." "I love you guys." "I'm sorry." "Sorry, man." "[GROANS]" "[CHUCKLING]" " I'm gonna stay right here." " I'm gonna check some things out." "WINSTON:" "This is a good sandwich." "NICK:" "See you, guys." "This needed to happen." "Wow, they gave you the huge lashes." "Those are the magnums." "I actually like them." "I think I'm just gonna keep them on." " You're afraid to take the glue off." " I'm terrified." "I'm really sorry about what I said last night because this is hard." "It is just pointing at stuff, but it's..." "It's hard." "Why is it so hard?" "You make it look a lot harder." "No." "You're brave." "You've always been braver than me." "Okay, what did you do to me last night?" "Can you sprain someone's chest?" "You should see the other guys." "CHER [ON TV]:" "Dionne asking Tai for sex advice..." " I'm so full." " This really is your best cake ever." " Do you think so?" " We all think so." "Hey, that's gross!" "Get a fork, man." "I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms." "Hey, man, you do what you do." "Be you, man." "Cake on your face." "Cake all day." "Fricking cake, dudes." "Hey." "Do you think if we met today, we would still be friends?" "I don't know." "But we're friends now." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" "Happy birthday, Cece." " You like rap music?" " Yeah, I sure do." " Who's your favorite rapper?" " Brian Austin Green." " He's cool." " He's awesome." "Go like this:" "[NICK LAUGHING]" "Try to catch the Pop-Tart, you big boy." "Good, I love Pop-Tarts." "Oh!" "Close your eyes." " Did you get me?" " Yeah." "Ready?" "[BOTH LAUGHING]" " Ready?" " Yeah." "[BOTH YELLING AND LAUGHING]" "We did it!"