"Jacques, the bill!" "Mr. Talandier is leaving so early?" "I have to attend the divorce of my future bride-to-be!" "Tomorrow I'll come at the usual time, hopefully not alone." "Waiter!" "Count Lerski?" "I recognized you at once, Colonel Dymow!" "I'm sincerely sorry, dear Lerski." "You needn't be sorry..." "I've learnt to work!" "Divorcing hurts but not in the case of Mr. and Mrs. Gerard." "See, Laurence?" "These superficialities are the reason of our divorce." "Adolphe, it was nice of you to take all the debt." "Laurence, today belongs to us!" "Chubby-chops, would you do me a big favour?" "Inform Percy that I expect him tonight." "If he is free earlier, he is to meet me at the Vendome Square at half past seven." "Anisette..?" "Today's my free day." "Let's meet at the Vendome Square at half past seven." "Jacques's girlfriend, Anisette, is waiting at the Vendome Square at 7:30." "He isn't coming!" "Surely he isn't coming!" "Quick, quick!" "We can't stop here!" "Aren't you happy, Percy?" "You aren't Percy!" "I never said I was!" "I mistook you for somebody else..." "There's a baffling resemblance between you two!" "Now you've waited long enough..!" "Don't you find it difficult to leave me?" "No!" "End of the 1st act" "That's Mr. Percy!" "I'm curious about the future master!" "Please announce me to the lady!" "Madam is already expecting you!" "Come in!" "Please, come closer!" "Kiss me!" "What are you looking for?" "You... impostor!" "I'm returning your divorce certificate!" "Thank you for the friendly reception!" "Mr. Percy conveys his deepest regrets for not being able to come today!" "What are you saying..." "Why can't he come?" "Mr. Percy left an hour ago..." "He'll be away traveling for quite a while." "Leaving already, Mr. Percy?" "In God's name, come quickly, the lady...!" "Have a glass of champagne, madam." "It'll do you good." "Are you still here?" "Who are you, really?" "Count Ilja Lerski." "I've ill-treated you." "Please forgive me." "It was nice of you to return the papers." "End of the 2nd act." "Should I go now?" "Must I really go?" "What's the point?" "You'll soon come back anyway." "May I introduce you gentlemen to each other?" "Seems I've already had the pleasure or maybe I'm wrong." "Chubby-chops..." "Do you love me?" "Then you'll take the dogs out." "Stay until I call you back." "Do you always serve ladies like that?" "I'd like to dance with you." "Let's go to Montmartre." "To Piccadilly!" "End of the 3rd act." "That's the head waiter from the Grillon restaurant!" "How wonderful that you went to the Vendome Square today!" "...and how wonderful that I didn't let myself be kicked out of your apartment." "Do you know him?" "Yes, unfortunately." "I'd rather it were you." "I don't take tips from colleagues." "Come to me tomorrow at 12 o'clock." "I wouldn't have thought that of her." "Thank God!" "End of the 4th act" "I don't want my ex-wife to be seen with you in public." "Mr. Gerard means that he... even if divorced... nevertheless still..." "I'll talk straight:" "How much do you want?" "I know what I'd do if you were a gentleman instead of a waiter." "If I'd taken a rich wife, you'd consider me a gentleman..." "If I'd make a fortune gambling, you'd consider me a gentleman..." "But a waiter..." "I've become a waiter to be able to remain a gentleman!" "So, gentlemen, there's nothing left to say!" "I kiss your hand, madam, and imagine it's your mouth." "I am, ah, so chivalrous, madam, and there's a reason for it." "First, I'd have your confidence, madam, and your sympathy." "If you first bank on me, madam, then you'll see, madam," "Instead of your hand, madam, I'll kiss your red lips." "How could you let yourself be seen with that person?" "The person is Count Lerski." "Nonsense!" "He is a waiter at the Grillon restaurant!" "Waiter!" "Here's 500 francs for yesterday's expenses." "Here's a thousand francs, madam." "That's how much the delights were worth to me!" "End of the 5th act." "Waiter!" "Appetizers...!" "Soup." "Chicken." "Fruit." "Waiter!" "Serve me, please!" "Waiter, the bill!" "The thousand francs are your gratuity." "Mr. Director, the waiter, Jacques, is behaving outrageously!" "As bad as I feel about it, I have to let you go." "...but there's an open position for a room waiter in our hotel." "The waiter, Jacques, has been fired, madam." "I'd like to do something for the discharged waiter." "I doubt he'd accept anything." "Jacques is Count Lerski, a former Russian Guard officer." "Do you know what I just learnt?" "He didn't lie." "He really is Count Lerski." "Suddenly you aren't nice to me anymore, chubby-chops." "End of the 6th act." "I'd like a room on the third floor." "I'd like a room on the third floor." "My deepest apologies - the third floor is completely booked." "Only room 222, which has been reserved by telegraph, is unoccupied." "Once Jacques started serving there, the third floor has become a veritable harem!" "Waiter!" "Yes!" "Bring me tea, rolls, jam and butter, please." "Yes, madam." "Did I order the tea from you, sir?" "No, madam." "It was my colleague, Jacques, who just had himself transferred to the first floor." "I'd like a room on the first floor!" "Now you won't run away from me again!" "I've come to ask for your forgiveness, Count Lerski." "After you heard that the "ordinary waiter" was a real Count!" "I resign!" "I resign for the lady who loves the title instead of the man." "And now will you give me the key?" "Now, instead of your hand, madam, I kiss your red lips." "You've got to have luck." "And you must be pretty."