"In the last episode of Soap," "Elaine was shot, came home, and died." "Eunice and Dutch, on a farm, must hide." "Burt told Mary he had an affair, but only because she had one too, but Mary hadn't and told him so, and now Burt doesn't know what to do." "Burt and Mary talked, and then Jessica thinks she loves two men." "Confused?" "You don't know what it's all about?" "Stay tuned tonight, and you'll find out." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is..." "Soap." "Burt, hi." "Oh, gosh, it's so good to see you." "Oh, this is so nice." "I've hardly seen you at all since the kidnapping." "Is Danny okay?" "Um, yeah, no, Danny is gonna be just fine." "Listen..." "Poor Danny." "I didn't know whether to go to the funeral or not." "I was so upset." "I wanted to pay my respects, but I was afraid it might upset you, and you're upset enough already, so as upset as I already was, I didn't go..." "Sal..." "But I did send fruit." "Yeah, um, Sal..." "Did you get the basket of fruit?" "Yes, it was really very nice." "Oh, good." "We got some on our cereal." "Oh..." "Sally..." "Mary knows about it." "You mean, you didn't want her to know about the fruit?" "No, no, about us." "I told her about us." "Burt, how wonderful." "Have you moved out?" "What?" "Oh, look, we could just stay at my place until we find something bigger." "You know what I would love?" "I would love a duplex." "I know, I know, I know, you wind up paying $300 a month more for stairs, but it's a fantasy..." "Sally, please, not now." "She understood." "Well, good." "Sometimes, wives can be such a problem." "No, no, it was... it was all right." "What was all right?" "What happened." "Well, I mean, it wasn't really all right." "I mean, she wasn't thrilled that I spent the night out, but she understood." "So?" "So it's..." "You and me..." "Finito." "What?" "Finito." "That's Italian for "finished."" "Listen, I'm sorry, Sally." "I feel terrible." "You feel terrible." "Yeah, well, since I feel terrible, you feel terrible," "I think it would be terrible for us to see each other every day and just keep on feeling terrible, so what I think is you shouldn't work for me anymore, and I can give you, like, three months' pay." "Three months' pay?" "Or four." "With four months' pay." "You think you can buy me with four months' pay?" "Um, um..." "I'm not trying to buy you, Sally." "It's just that it's gonna take you time to find a new job." "Until then, you're gonna need something to live on." "Forget it." "It won't do me any good where I'm going." "Oh, yeah, sure, I mean, if you go someplace like Japan, it'll buy you, tops, a cup of coffee, bowl of rice." "I mean, it's terrible what's happened to the American dollar, isn't it?" "All I need is enough to buy a gun and bullets." "Gun and bullets?" "No, Sally, murder is no answer." "Don't worry, Burt, it's for me, so I can go home and blow my brains out." "Oh, phew." "No, Sally, no, not suicide." "You're not gonna try to commit suicide?" "I will." "If you don't leave Mary," "I'm gonna kill myself." "She's rehearsing for a play." "Sally, come on, you can't be serious." "I am." "I swear it." "I'm not somebody you commit suicide over." "I'm not somebody even to lose any sleep over." "I don't even need a gun." "I'll hang myself." "I have a beam ceiling." "Sally, listen, I hope you're not serious, because I love Mary, and I'm not gonna leave her, but I don't want anything to happen to you." "I'm gonna get you, Burt." "Some day, some way, I'm gonna get you." "Hell of an actress." "She's..." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo.." "[CAR HORN HONKING]" "Oh, it's them." "They're here." "Oh, my God, the place looks terrible." "Your mother's gonna hate me, Eunice." "Oh, Dutch, relax." "You've swept the floor nine times." "Oh, they're pulling into the yard." "Hi, Ma!" "She'll see dirt, put you in the car, and take you home." "Oh, Dutch, the place is beautiful." "She's gonna love it." "Look at this, a fly." "A fly..." "probably died from the dirt." "Eunice." "Eunice!" "Oh, my baby." "Hi, Benson." "Hi." "Mrs. Tate, I know you don't think that this is very much..." "Oh, Dutch, I think it's charming." "Mr. Tate and I once had a cabin in the woods too." "Oh, it was wonderful." "Every morning, the rooster would crow, and the sun would shine in our sleepy eyes, and all the little animals would come and bang on the door for bits of food." "Oh, yes, the breeze blew through the trees, the bees buzzed, the crickets chirped, clear air, cold mountain water..." "We hated it." "But it was charming." "See, Dutch, I told you she'd love it." "What is this?" "Soup." "Who made it?" "I did." "Get out of here." "Really, I did." "You mean, you actually cook?" "Of course." "What's the big surprise?" "Because the last time you made dinner," "I missed a day of school," "Dad spent the night in the bathroom," "Benson had dizzy spells, and the dog died." "Billy." "Eunice, it's been a very long drive." "Where is the powder room?" "Oh, Mother, we don't have a powder room." "We have an outhouse around the back." "Benson..." "What is an outhouse?" "[WHISPERING]" "I think I can wait till we get home." "[CAR APPROACHING]" "What's that?" "Oh, my God, it's the cops!" "What are they doing here?" "Gotta hide." "No, no, no, no, no, not all of you." "Just me." "There's a car outside." "He's gonna know somebody's here." "Go hide, Dutch." "We'll think of something." "Eunice, where are you going?" "He hates to hide alone." "Benson, think of something." "[KNOCKING]" "[KNOCKING]" "You..." "You want me to get that?" "If you don't mind." "Afternoon." "Afternoon." "I saw the car out there." "Does that belong to you?" "Uh... yes, yes." "Uh-huh." "What's your name?" "Benson." "Who are you?" "Mrs. Benson." "And I'm Billy Benson." "The Bensons." "Right." "Right as rain." "The Benson clan." "So I take it..." "you all live here, is that it?" "Fine, fine, couldn't be better." "Yes, good country air." "Of course, I do miss the Kiwanis Club picnics from time to time, but... then one must make sacrifices for one's family, mustn't one?" "Yeah, I guess." "Son, where's my pipe?" "Right here, Dad." "Thank you, son." "Here's a quarter." "What a dad." "What are you folks doing out here in the middle of nowhere?" "Why, nothing." "What else would we do here in the middle of nowhere?" "[FORCED LAUGH]" "You own this place, then, huh?" "Yes, uh... the doctor here works so hard, we just had to have a place to get away and relax." "Oh, you're a doctor?" "Neurosurgeon." "Well, I guess everything's in order." "Let me give you a tip." "Oh, no, you ain't got to do nothing like that." "What I meant was..." "You see, this place here used to be the Lightner farm." "Dutch Lightner, he's a killer." "He escaped from prison." "I'd advise you to keep your windows and doors locked at night." "He just might decide to return." "Oh, thank you, officer." "We certainly will do that, won't we, dear?" "Dear?" "Sure thing, darling." "Well, I'd better be off." "Yes, it's been nice having you up." "You expecting company?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "I was just wondering why you had the two extra place settings." "The twins." "Sure, the twins, Candy and Randy." "Well, I don't see them." "They're in the outhouse." "Together?" "Have to." "Siamese twins." "I see, I see." "Candy and Randy will be sorry to have missed you." "They're both hoping someday to be a policeman." "Well... some other time..." "Now, you be sure and keep this door locked, you hear?" "Yes, yes, pop in any time." "Yeah, yeah, all right, perhaps I will." "Toodle-loo." "Thank you." "Hey, hey, you can come out now." "Boy, that was close." "Boy?" "Uh..." "Why don't we all sit down and eat, huh?" "I thought for sure he had us with the extra two place settings." "Oh, all of this lying made me hungry." "Me too." "Hey, aren't we going to wait for the twins?" "Okay, a lump of butter..." "Okay." "Now, watch out." "Beat the egg yolks." "I already beat the egg yolks." "Well, do it again." "It's lumpy." "I hate it when it's lumpy." "Will you just read?" "What's next?" "Uh, two tablespoons of lemon juice." "Elaine loved lemon juice." "Oh, boy." "There he goes again." "Come on, Bob." "This thing's starting to boil." "What next?" "Okay." "Stir in the lemon juice under low heat... and continue cooking until thick." "It was thick 10 minutes ago." "What do we do now?" "Throw it against the wall, call me a taxi." "This is garbage you got here." "I can't eat this." "I used to love to watch Elaine eat." "She ate like a princess." "She ate like Seattle Slew." "Chuck, get Bob out of here." "Well, come on, Danny." "I mean, Elaine's been dead for two days." "I mean, come on." "You've got to get over it." "Enough is enough." "Life goes on." "Chuck..." "Uh, let's eat out." "Good idea." "Yeah." "You ruined my breakfast." "He ruined my appetite." "You're a real downer, Danny." "Breakfast?" "No, thanks." "Danny, you haven't eaten since the funeral." "I know." "You've got to eat." "I keep asking myself why." "Why?" "To keep up your strength." "No." "Why Elaine?" "Why her?" "Danny, that question has no answer." "We all ask it." "I mean, like, when my son, Peter, died," "I said, "Why him?" "Why Peter?"" "When your father died, your mother said," ""Why him?" "Why Johnny?"" "If it had been Mrs. Fogel next door who had been shot, right now Mr. Fogel would be saying, "Why her?" "Why Mrs. Fogel from next door?"" "I saw Mr. Fogel this morning throwing out the garbage, and he said, "Why her?" "Why Elaine?"" "Then he asked me if I shot her." "Fogel's a jerk." "Why would he think that you shot her?" "Because he remembers 10 years ago when I killed that bird with my BB gun." "That was an accident." "I know, I know, but he's never forgotten it." "Every time he sees me, he says," ""What did you kill today, Dan?"" "When I pull out of that driveway this morning," "I'm going to run over his petunias." "Burt, you are not." "All right, so I'm not." "I just can't believe it." "I can't believe" "I'm never going to see Elaine again." "Oh, Danny, there's no answer to any of it." "It just hurts a lot, but eventually, it'll hurt less and less." "I know you'll never forget her, but someday, you'll be able to think about her without hurting." "It's just hard." "I know." "Hey, you know, doing things would help, you know." "I mean, keep your mind occupied." "Oh, you mean like work?" "Work." "Going out." "Seeing people." "Anything that gets you involved." "Shooting BBs at Fogel..." "You know what I'd like to do?" "Name it." "I'll do it with you if you want some company." "You wouldn't want to do it." "Danny, please." "You're looking at a guy who'll do anything." "Come on, we'll do anything you want." "I want to find them." "Let's go." "Thanks, Burt." "Hey, find who?" "Who are we finding here?" "Them, the guys that killed Elaine." "That's what you want to do today?" "I thought it was going to be something like bowling." "Danny, the police are looking for them." "It's their job." "Ma, the police are looking for a lot of people, so how hard can they look?" "No, forget it." "I want to do it myself." "All right, then I'm going with you." "I'll keep you company." "It could be very lonely looking." "You sure?" "Absolutely." "Great." "I'll get my jacket." "Sure." "Talk him out of it." "Mary, I can't." "Look at him." "Listen, don't worry." "We'll go out for the day, look around." "We'll be lucky to find a parking space, let alone a killer." "Don't worry." "All right, but please be careful." "All right." "A gun?" "What do we need a gun for?" "Burt, these guys are killers." "Oh, then give it to me." "Let me hold it." "Do you know how to handle a gun?" "Danny, please." "Do I know how to handle a gun?" "I was practically born with a gun in my hand." "My grandfather owned the shooting gallery on Coney Island." "Do I know how to handle a gun?" "I held a gun before I held a rattle." "[SHOT FIRES]" "What happened?" "I heard a shot." "A shot?" "It's that toaster." "I put a piece of rye bread in, came out like:" "Better fix it." "You're going to kill somebody." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "You want me to get that?" "Hi." "Hi." "Benson, I've got some bad news." "About Mr. Tate?" "Yeah." "Is he..." "Yeah." "When?" "Yesterday morning." "Where are you going?" "Well, I think I'd better tell her." "I'll tell her." "It's better if I tell her." "I've known her for a long time." "Benson, I've had a lot of practice doing this." "I've been doing it for years." "Let me tell her." "Mrs. Tate?" "JESSICA:" "Whoo-hoo." "Now, break it to her gently." "Just trust me." "Yes, Benson?" "Detective Donohue..." "How nice to see you." "Mrs. Tate." "I was just going for a walk." "Oh, it's such a gorgeous day." "Would you like to go with me, hmm?" "Maybe we could have a picnic." "Mrs. Tate?" "Hmm?" "We found this." "It's Chester's." "Benson, look, you remember." "I gave it to Chester for Christmas." "Oh, golly." "Look how it's falling apart." "Yes." ""Mock leather."" "See, I didn't know that that meant it wasn't real leather." "Mrs. Tate..." "I mean, after all, a mock turtleneck sweater is still a sweater, right?" "Where did you get this?" "A little boy." "A little boy?" "The boy in the mud." "Mud?" "Mud from the flood." "There was a flood?" "Well, sure." "When the dam broke." "A dam broke?" "From the weight of the bridge." "The bridge?" "Well, the bridge collapsed when the mountain fell on it." "A mountain fell down?" "A whole mountain?" "When the train blew up, it jarred the mountain." "What train?" "The train your husband was killed on, Mrs. Tate." "Mr. Tate's dead." "Are you sure?" "You know, sometimes, these things don't always..." "It was him." "He was seen hopping a boxcar." "We found his clothes and that wallet." "It was him." "Are you all right?" "Can I get you anything?" "I don't know what." "Would you like to sit down?" "Chester?" "My Chester?" "Chester's dead?" "He was right." "Chester was right." "About what?" "Oh, we..." "we always used to argue, you know, about which one of us would die first." "Chester always said to me," ""Jessica, I will be the first one to die, therefore, I suggest you learn how to balance the checkbook."" "He was right." "He went first." "Benson, I don't know anything about balancing the checkbook." "I don't even know where the checkbook is." "I'll teach you how to balance the checkbook." "Chester..." "How could Chester die?" "There are so many things he hasn't done yet." "I mean, how could Chester die?" "Why don't you sit down?" "No, Benson, I can't." "I mean, if I sat down now, I'm afraid I would cry." "Do you want to be alone?" "[SOBS] I am alone." "[TRAIN-CROSSING BELL RINGING]" "Oh..." "Oh, God, my head." "Here, pal." "This'll fix you up." "What happened to my head?" "You fell on it." "Oh..." "Hoop-Dee-Ha?" "What is Hoop-Dee-Ha?" "An amusing domestic chablis." "Goes with anything." "[TRAIN WHISTLE SOUNDS]" "Where am I?" "Who are you?" "Toledo." "A hobo." "What am I doing in Toledo?" "I've asked myself that on numerous occasions." "I seem to remember being on a train." "Right." "What happened?" "I seen somebody toss you out of a box car." "That's right." "My clothes..." "he stole my clothes." "My new suit." "These are not my clothes." "My wallet..." "Oh, all my money." "Yeah, I never carry cash anymore." "Well, what happened to him?" "Where's the train?" "Poof." "Poof?" "That was a $400 suit." "Poof?" "Wait a minute." "How do I know that?" "I remember." "I remember." "Oh..." "Oh, I remember." "I remember." "I remember." "That must've been some suit." "My watch... he didn't take it." "Oh, I still have memory and my watch and my family." "Oh, yes, a wonderful family." "I..." "I must have a family." "I'm sure..." "I'm sure of it." "I'm sure of it." "Oh, life..." "Life, I love you." "Oh, life..." "Life can be beautiful." "Life can also be a headache." "Ow." "[CHUCKLES]" "[HUMMING]" "Who am I?" "Will Danny and Burt find Elaine's kidnappers?" "Will Dutch and Eunice find out that the police found out where they're hiding?" "Will Burt find out what Sally is up to?" "Will Jessica ever find out Chester is alive?" "Will Chester find out who he is?" "Find the answers to these and many other questions during the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"