"[Jacuzzi Boys' "Vizcaya" playing]" "♪ ♪" "‐ ♪ Gonna have a smoke ♪" "♪ 'Cause the train's gonna be a slow oh ♪" "♪ Here I go ♪" "♪ Livin' so far away ♪" "♪ Viva, Vizcaya today ♪" "♪ Ay ♪" "♪ Ay ay ♪" "‐ Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts" "Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani." "[cheers and applause]" "‐ Hello." "‐ Hello." "‐ Ah, boy." "[cheers and applause]" "Good to see you." "Season three!" "‐ Great start!" "Season three." "You'd think we'd have figured it out by now." "That's the slogan for this season now." "‐ Yeah, and this is the billboard." "Just us going, "Ah, sorry."" "‐ And I'm like, "Ugh."" "‐ Everyone's‐‐everyone's just gonna assume it's like," ""What racist thing did the white guy say?"" "‐ You have the worst of it 'cause you're actually not white, but you look so white." "So from the inside, you wanna say things against the white man, but you can't 'cause you're... ‐ Not allowed." "Look like this." "‐ Self." "‐ Just by himself..." "It's hard to get time to yourself in these hours that we're here." "‐ It's real crowded." "‐ In that room‐‐ ‐ It's full of people and bits in that other room." "This dump." "‐ The‐‐I think the added‐‐ having the guitar there," "I just am like... [guitar music playing]" "The show will start in eight minutes." "‐ [humming]" "‐ Where are you going?" "I thought we were talking about guitars." "‐ [laughs]" "‐ Yeah, it's hard to hear, it's hard to feel what's going on." "‐ Oh, it's great." "‐ Yeah." "‐ Wow, way to find the lining, Jonah." "‐ I'm pretty good at finding silver linings when it's for other people." "‐ For yourself, it's‐‐it's‐‐ ‐ No." "What's the opposite of a silver lining?" "‐ The cloud?" "‐ Yeah, I'm a cloud." "[chuckling] I'm a cloud." "‐ All right, okay, let's see." "Uh...ex‐‐try and find the silver lining." "‐ Okay, I'm really good, so... ‐ Um, I never feel like I will ever truly belong in this country." "[scattered laughter] ‐ It's okay, I got this." "‐ It's just the truth." "‐ Um, yeah, but then that means, it feels like you're always on vacation." "[laughter] And who wouldn't wanna be on vacation all the time?" "[cheers and applause]" "‐ People give me weird looks on airplanes." "‐ Oh, God." "‐ Every goddamn time." "‐ But, uh..." "[laughs]" "But then you get a whole row to yourself." "[laughter]" "Kick your feet up, play some Sudoku." "[cheers and applause]" "I'm really good at this!" "‐ I experience racism every day." "‐ But you got a whole career out of it, so... ‐ Oh, fuck." "‐ Uh, that's, uh‐‐" "‐ Fuck you." "‐ That's kind of... [laughter and applause]" "I told you, I'm‐‐I'm really good." "‐ Okay, I‐‐ that was horrible." "That made me feel bad." "‐ Yeah, I'm sorry." "‐ Okay, now you do it." "‐ Okay." "One time, I got into a car accident on the freeway." "I rolled my car, um, and I ended up going to the hospital, and I didn't have any phone numbers on me, so I had to walk two miles to the impound lot to get my phone numbers," "and then I called into work to say that I got into an accident, and they said I had already been fired." "[laughs] ‐ Well, at least you got a really boring story out of it." "[laughter]" "Sorry, go again." "I'll do it." "I'll do it." "‐ Uh, as a, uh‐‐ as a straight, upper‐middle‐class, white male," "I feel that there's really nothing that's special about me, uh, and that kind of bugs me as a performer." "‐ Well, at least you got half a career out of it." "‐ No, that's true." "[laughter]" "They're just handing 'em out to guys like me." "‐ Yeah, when I started, people were saying," ""We already have Aziz." ‐ Yeah." "‐ "You can‐‐you could go do what you're parents want you to do."" "‐ [laughs]" "‐ Uh, should we start the show?" "‐ Let's start the show." "[cheers and applause] ‐ You guys... ‐ Come on." "It's too late to, like, pee, 'cause of the onesie." "[laughs]" "‐ Please welcome to the stage Michelle Buteau!" "‐ Yeah." "‐ That's what I'm saying." "Give me a hug." "[cheers and applause] Aww." "Thank you." "Oh, my God." "Thank you." "That applause." "I feel like a size 12." "[laughter]" "Um, full disclosure," "I really wanted to use the bathroom before I came onstage, but I didn't have time 'cause I have a plus‐sized onesie on... [chuckles] And I knew it would be, like, at least 12 minutes..." "[laughter]" "'Cause, fellas, maybe you can't relate, but, ladies, it's‐‐ look, it is a‐‐ it's, like, a naked, disgusting, like, episode of Cirque du Soliel" "when you're trying to pee in a onesie, and I realize, I have real great balance and I'm very flexible." "[guitar music playing]" "‐ [grunts]" "♪ ♪" "I screwed up." "I actually screwed up big time." "I can usually do it in 45 seconds." "‐ Let's bring it down." "‐ Oh, me too." "‐ Yeah." "‐ [laughs]" "Usually." "‐ I also can usually do it." "‐ If you don't have to show people." "‐ Yeah." "‐ Oh!" "‐ So I really wanted to get these box braids." "Do y'all know what box braids are?" "Let me educate y'all." "[laughter]" "I don't know if any of you cute little white girls have been to, like, the Bahamas or Aruba, and you're like, "Oh, I wanna get a braid,"" "and it takes, like five minutes, and they put a bead on it." "You're like, "Look at this..."" "[laughter]" ""It's so fun." "I look like Serena Williams."" "[laughter]" "When you have ethnic hair, it's a whole different experience." "Like, you have to find an African that's almost gonna be deported, you need‐‐ [laughs]" "She needs to have all four of her kids there, and‐‐ [laughter]" "Just to, like, massage her fingers, and you just need to sit in a chair for about seven hours." "So I decided to get my hair braided, took off of work from a job I don't have, and, um..." "[laughter]" "Just sat there." "I was like," ""This is gonna be amazing." "This is gonna be amazing." "I can't wait."" "When I was done," "I looked like a Puerto Rican Julia Stiles." "[laughter]" "This is what I was going for." "I was going for, like, a Nubian princess." "Like, an ebony goddess." "I don't know who this girl is, but I really wanna be friends with her." "[laughter]" "What I was going for was, like, you know, kind of like" "Beyoncé frolicking in Cuba... [laughter]" "But what I got was..." "Rachel Dolezal." "[laughter]" "I can't." "Okay, here we go." "This is me with the braids." "[laughter]" "Just sad, and..." "I look like I was appropriating my own culture." "[laughter] [hip‐hop music]" "‐ Please, everybody, welcome the amazing Paul F. Tompkins." "[cheers and applause]" "‐ Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Ridiculous." "Why is that there?" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Thank you, all." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Guys... what a pleasure it is to have people applaud for you." "[laughter]" "I don't know if that's something that you get to experience in your daily life." "I also don't get to experience it in my daily life, but pretty frequently, and every time it's great." "[laughter]" "Here's what I don't like, is when people sing "Happy Birthday" to me." "Is there anything worse in the world than that moment?" "It's your birthday... it's your birthday..." "it's your birthday, and, you know, you‐‐ they're‐‐ like, you're gathered with your friends, family, whatever, and you're celebrating your birthday, and then, at a certain point," "somebody turns the lights out and you're like, "No."" "[laughter]" "Then the demonic procession comes out." "♪ Happy birthday ♪ [laughter]" "‐ This is amazing." "‐ The air conditioning?" "‐ This feels like "The Real World."" "‐ I know." "‐ Like, I always wanted to be in "The Real World." ‐ Do you wanna talk about race?" "Have, like, a real intense conversation about race?" "‐ I do." "I wanna be like, "You and you, out."" "‐ You know, I want to‐‐" "‐ Michelle, I can't even handle you talking about "The Real World" right now, so, please, if you could tell me who put their finger in the peanut butter," "I'll be on my way." "‐ It's probably Puck." "He always does it." "‐ That Puck." "‐ I'd rather somebody sing the goddamn alphabet to me over a fiery cake." "[laughter]" "It's got a much zippier melody." "[scattered laughter]" "Why is there no song for the numbers?" "[laughter]" "There's so many numbers, you guys." "How am I supposed to remember all of them?" "Sometimes I can't remember all the numbers, and I'll make one up." "Like, 2012." "[laughter]" "Is that real?" "I don't know." "But I remember the alphabet because of the song." "Numbers?" "Here's how many numbers there are." "At a certain point we gave up, and we knocked one of the early ones on the side and said, "That's it..."" "[laughter]" ""It just keeps going."" "[laughter]" "No, it doesn't just keep going." "What's the last number?" "[laughter]" "We can't have more numbers than there are things to number." "[laughter]" "So let's count everything." "[laughter]" "Here's what I would start with... blades of grass." "[laughter]" "‐ [sighs] [indistinct chatter] [humming]" "♪ Just me ♪" "♪ Just me in the tech room ♪" "♪ I can have this couch ♪" "♪ I can sit in the chair ♪" "♪ I can be anywhere in the tech room ♪" "Oh, hey." "‐ Hey, what's‐‐ were you doing 'Hamilton"?" "‐ No." "‐ Were you doing "Hamilton" the musical back here by yourself?" "‐ No, no, no, no, no." "I wasn't doing anything." "‐ You‐‐you were‐‐" "‐ I wasn't doing nothing." "‐ [laughing]" "‐ What about gnats?" "[laughter]" "Who are they helping out?" "Point me to the animal who's like, "I gotta eat gnats." ""I can't eat anything else." ""I'm important to the ecosystem," ""so you'll want to keep gnats around to keep me around."" "Like, if it turned out to be swans, right?" "If swans were just a steady diet of gnats." "I'd think about it." "I'd be like," ""All right, the few times I've seen swans, its been pretty cool."" "[laughter]" "But then it's like, you get into water fowl, and it's like, there's so many of them." "Do we need all of them?" "[laughter]" "Swans, geese, ducks..." "Are there more?" "[laughter]" "Pelicans." "Oh, I pulled it out." "Seagulls, and their weird hovering." "You know, you can‐‐ you can institute the soda taxes all you like, the "Nanny State."" "Are we doing anything about seagulls crippling addiction to human junk food?" "[laughter]" "They can't get enough of that shit." "You're on the beach and you open a bag of Fritos, seagulls are like, "Oh, boy!" "They gotta drop one!"" "Their weird‐‐just, like, hovering there." "[laughter]" "I would say to seagulls," ""Why don't you get on the ground like me," ""and let me pet you, and then we'll talk about your Frito allowance."" "[laughter and applause]" "I can see everyone here feels the exact same way that I do." "All right, guys, thank you very much." "[cheers and applause]" "Enjoy the rest of the show." "‐ Thank you so much, Paul F.‐‐" "‐ Well, back to haunting the theater." "‐ Paul F. Tompkins." "‐ Aka, the phantom of the Meltdown." "Just him and the cricket." "[hip‐hop music]" "‐ Emily, let me explain something." "‐ Please." "‐ These‐‐see those little‐‐ see the top of the silver tape?" "‐ Yes, I peeled them." "‐ Those are like little handles for you, to pull it off." "So you can literally pull off both pieces of silver tape from the top, boom." "‐ Okay, and then slide out." "Is this dog gonna work out?" "‐ That's the trick?" "‐ Right." "‐ You know, it looks like it's pretty much on track to be a failure." "But... but you know what?" "‐ Always." "‐ No matter what, it's a win." "Like, if it's awkward and it's hard, we'll make it work." "[applause]" "This is the world debut of one of the most astonishing illusions ever put forth on television or radio." "[laughter]" "Now... ‐ I bet magic on radio's pretty easy." "‐ So is‐‐ so is ventriloquism." "‐ This is the product of over a dozen minutes of preparation." "[laughter] [unintelligible]" "‐ There you go." "‐ Gently." "Now, if we can open up all the way, you can all see the box." "All right?" "‐ Whoa, box of pain." "‐ Just an empty box." "‐ Now, I need to have a volunteer, anyone at all, who's going to get inside the box of pain and experience‐‐" "‐ Emily, come on, do it." "‐ Emily?" "You?" "[cheers and applause]" "‐ So... ‐ Now, she has not been prepped." "‐ I have no idea what's going to happen." "‐ She has no idea what's going on." "Not been prepped." "‐ And maybe I'll take this opportunity to tell the audience and the viewers at home that we do not use camera tricks here." "Emily, are you ready for the box of pain?" "‐ I hope so." "‐ Get in." "‐ My whole life I've been there." "‐ She's used to living with me." "I think she is." "‐ Now that's‐‐ ‐ Marriage is hard." "It's a compromise." "‐ Now, where's that paper tape?" "‐ Here you go, baby." "‐ And now let's all jump in there‐‐" "‐ Honey, are you okay in there?" "‐ I'm doing great." "‐ I want to make sure there is now way that she can get out." "So, everyone‐‐everyone pitch in." "Here you go, some for you." "And here's some for you." "This‐‐this think is gonna be absolutely impossible to..." "All right." "By the way, did you guys know that I can take my finger off?" "Look at this, watch." "[grunts]" "‐ Oh, my God." "‐ Oh, my God!" "Look at that!" "Look at that!" "Look at this one." "‐ See?" "[cheers and applause]" "Magic of David, everybody!" "Look into the heavens." "Look into the heavens!" "[cheers and applause]" "‐ You guys, no." "‐ Let's take the tape off." "‐ Emily?" "Emily, are you ready?" "‐ Over here, over here." "‐ Hey." "‐ Aah!" "‐ Let's tape it up real good." "‐ Oh, my God." "‐ Let's tape it up." "Emily, are you okay in there?" "‐ Yeah, I'm fine!" "‐ Maybe like‐‐there's no way." "‐ Okay." "‐ I miss Kumail!" "‐ You guys, maybe like this." "‐ Oh, I miss you, baby." "Where did you go?" "‐ No, no, no." "‐ Oh!" "[laughter]" "Okay." "‐ Hold on." "‐ Oh, let's see." "‐ Okay, David, if you‐‐" "‐ David?" "All right, David Wain, let's do the magic trick that you... all:" "Oh!" "[exciting music playing] [cheers and applause]" "♪ ♪" "‐ David Wain!" "[cheers and applause]" "‐ [laughs] ‐ It went great." "‐ I don't know how it happened." "‐ Sort of perfect." "‐ Somehow there's dog food in here." "‐ Look, it's David Wain." "‐ How'd your set go, Paul?" "‐ It went very well, David." "How did yours go?" "‐ I'm sweating 'cause I just did my magic trick." "It was a‐‐ it was a debacle." "‐ A dog was there." "[eerie music] [rock music]" "‐ Okay, watch this." "Ready?" "As quickly as I can" "I'm gonna try to find your card." "Ready?" "‐ [chuckles] That's my card." "‐ You know, we have‐‐ we really have no reason to have guitars on stage." "We really are seriously‐‐ these are like really expensive slide whistles to us." "But you know what?" "Maybe we can do them." "Maybe you guys can help us." "We're gonna try to incorporate‐‐ just shoehorn guitars into some... ‐ Our regular‐‐ our regular jokes." "‐ Our regular bits." "But first I'd like to do a really quick bit." "Let's do a bit." "This is my impression of Guitar Center on any Sunday afternoon." "Here we go." "Let's go." "[both riffing]" "Kevin, you're wanted on‐‐ in the drum department." "Kevin, you're wanted in the drum department." "‐ We need somebody in amplifiers." "‐ Kevin?" "Kevin, you're wanted in the drum department." "‐ Check out on amplifiers." "‐ Kevin, you're wanted in the drum department." "Thank you very much." "[laughter and applause]" "That's pretty good." "I got one other‐‐ this is one for the guitar nerds." "Here's a really good impression." "[sustaining note]" "My impression of Jimi Hendrix." "♪ ♪" "♪ Comin' to get ya ♪" "♪ ♪" "Thank you." "[stops playing]" "How you doing, man?" "You look good." "‐ I don't feel good." "‐ Really?" "‐ No, I..." "two weeks ago," "I threw my neck out glancing to the left." "‐ Ooh." "Ow." "‐ Here's how far I had to turn my head to throw my neck out." "Did you guys see that?" "That's... ‐ I didn't see it, no." "‐ Two weeks I couldn't‐‐" "And I need to be able to turn my head." "If we're at a club and you say," ""Oh, dude, don't make any sudden movements, but you gotta see the girl in the back of the room,"" "this doesn't work." "‐ [plays sustained note with various tuning] [laughter and applause]" "‐ Yeah." "‐ Oh, yeah." "‐ Still defined by a man, though, right?" "Top." "‐ Oh." "‐ Top." "Patriarchy." "Patriarchy, patriarchy." "‐ We are living it." "Guys, these are the death rattles." "We have to enjoy it while we can." "‐ What‐‐what do you mean?" "‐ As white men?" "You mean, just these two?" "‐ A patriarchy." "‐ Patriarchy?" "‐ Going down." "‐ Since when?" "[laughter]" "‐ Get on the case, dude." "Stop this." "‐ Oh, ho, ho." "I'll do‐‐I'll have something to say about this." "‐ I'll stop it." "‐ No, no, just‐‐ [laughter]" "‐ It's a shame that middle‐aged white guys went out of vogue just when I became a middle‐aged white guy." "‐ It really is poor timing for you." "‐ It was terrible timing for me." "Terrible timing." "‐ Any time in history before right now, you'd be‐‐ ‐ It'd be so great." "‐ You're king." "You're king." "‐ Yep." "‐ You're the king." "‐ At least I have this going for me." "‐ Why do you think I started using my real last name on Twitter?" "Just to start the‐‐ the shift in." "‐ You just slide in." "‐ Rodrigues." "‐ Rodrigues." "‐ Señor Jonah Ray Rodrigues." "‐ You‐‐you're witnessing the best use of guitar on television since... ‐ Yeah." "‐ "Saved by the Bell."" "‐ "Saved by the Bell." I was gonna say the same thing." ""Saved by the Bell" always did, like, a great joke and then go like, yeah." "[plays riff]" "And they would end‐‐ go into commercial on that." "You know?" "‐ They would end a scene and go to a commercial on a guitar‐‐" "‐ Like, give me‐‐ give me an example." "‐ Okay." "‐ It'd be like... ‐ Hey, Zack, I figured out a way for us to go to prom." "‐ What's that?" "‐ We'll dress as girls." "‐ [plays riff]" "♪ ♪" "That's pretty good." "‐ All right, let's do..." "I got another one." "I got another one." "[applause]" "Jessie, what are you doing?" "That's not just diet pills." "It's also speed." "[both riffing]" "‐ We'll be right back." "♪ ♪" "‐ I'm glad we have these guitars." "‐ I think this is really good." "Another harebrained scheme to get into... together:" "Show business." "[cheers and applause] [guitar riff playing]" "‐ That's the end of our show." "‐ That's the show." "That's what you get." "‐ Thank you so much for coming." "‐ Thanks for coming." "Thank everybody so much." "Bye, Kumail." "[strumming and rattling]" "♪ ♪"