"[Hip hop music]" "♪ ♪" " [Laughs] that's how I dooz it, baby." " Ladies and gentlemen, j.B. Smoove." "[Hip hop music]" "♪ ♪" " What up?" " ♪ That's how I dooz it, yo baby, I'm gangster slick ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" " That's how I dooz it!" "Come on, y'all, come on!" "That's how I dooz it." "That's how I dooz it." " ♪ Yo baby, I'm gangster slick ♪" " That's how I dooz it." "Come on, y'all, come on." "That's how I dooz it." "Yo, bounce that." "Bounce that, playboy." "Come on, bounce that." "Black man, do it, black man." "Oh!" "That's how I dooz it." " ♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" " Ooh, shoot." "Oh." "Oh, my god." "You feel that, playboy?" "Let me tell you something." "Don't you ever let a white man out-Black you, playboy, ever." "Next time I see a white man out-Black you," "I'ma cuss your ass out." "White folks are here giving it up like this." "You was like this." "[Laughs]" "Oh, that's my jam right there." "That's how I dooz it!" "You can have a baby to that damn song, you hear me?" "Play it again, play it again." "[Hip-Hop music]" "♪ ♪" "Oh, shoot!" "What?" "Boy, you see that black man come out that white lady," "You saw that?" "What he doing up in her?" "Oh, you get amped like that," "You want to slap the shit out of somebody." "Play it again, play it again." "[Hip-Hop music plays]" "What's wrong with your ass?" "Whoo!" "Pick up your glasses, everything." "I don't care how you got here." "Boy, that damn song come on the radio," "It don't matter what the hell you driving." "You could be riding a damn stagecoach," "Being chased by the police." "You think your ass can get away." "Play it again." "[Hip hop music]" "♪ ♪" " ♪ That's how I dooz it, yo baby, I'm gangster slick ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" "♪ Comin' with that gangster slick ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it, y'all better grip with this ♪" "♪ That's how I dooz it ♪" " [Laughs]" "Almost [bleep] that time." "Whoo!" "I'ma mess my new pants up." "New jeans, you know what I mean?" "I almost [bleep] that time." "I get so excited, you know what I mean?" "Almost [bleep] in my new pants, you know what I mean?" "I was going to return these pants to the store tomorrow," "You know what I mean?" "That's how I dooz it, you know what I'm saying?" "I wear them out, take them back to the store," "And return them, man, right?" "They give you a hard time you try to return some jeans" "With [bleep] inside of them, you know what I mean?" "All these damn questions." ""Uh, sir, there's white stuff inside these pants."" "You're damn right there's white stuff inside my damn pants." "I'm not going to wear them again." "Fold them up, put them back on the damn shelf." "Too many damn questions right now." "Believe me." "I'm a big-Time [bleep]er, hear me?" "She peeked inside them damn pants," "Said, "goddamn!"" "They call me big-Time [bleep]er." "That's how I [bleep], that's how I [bleep], like that," "That's how I [bleep]." "I [bleep] sideways, I don't give a damn, sideways." "I [bleep] on your ankle," "All over your ankle, over your ankle." "It's like that silly string." "Come out like silly string." "You invite my ass to your party," "Boy, I'll jack your party up." "I'll [bleep] in that damn party..." "I'll [bleep] on your friends." "They'll be like, "oh, my god." "Oh, my god!" ""He's a asshole." "He's gonna [bleep] on everybody!" ""Who invited this guy?" ""He's gonna [bleep] on everybody's face!" "He's an asshole!"" " You in the club, right, meeting girls." "They fine, they're all fine, they're beautiful, right?" "Right?" "Right?" "You see one you like and look at her." "She's gorgeous." "Your buddies always say this, right?" "Right?" "Dumb as hell, right?" ""Tap that ass for me." "[Laughs]" "She's so fine, man." "Tap that ass for me."" "You took that girl home." "You made love to that lady." "That lady got pregnant." "Technically, that baby ain't yours." "'Cause he said, "tap that ass for me."" "That ain't your baby." "That's his damn baby." "That's how I dooz it." "I love being back in my city, man, whoo." "Oh, I live in I.A. Now, man." "Them damn police officers, ooh." "The I.A. Police are notorious." "They don't give a [bleep] about your ass." "Cops do not like chasing your ass." "They get mad when they got to chase your ass." "Right?" "They don't mind the car." "They don't mind riding a slow-Speed car chase" "Or a high-Speed car chase." "The car might run out of gas," "Or the spike strip's gonna bust the tires or something, right?" "But when you hop out that damn car..." "Let me tell you something..." "A cop get madder than a mother[bleep]er." "They be like this." ""Goddamn."" "[Hisses]" ""He done hopped out the goddamn car."" "Cops get pissed off." "You know why?" "'Cause cops got a ton" "Of bullshit on their belt." "This shit heavy." "This shit heavy as hell." "It's a whole lot of shit on that damn belt." "That's like your ass work in the office, right?" "You an accountant or you work in an office," "And your ass walking around the damn office" "With a goddamn printer on your [bleep]ing belt." "Goddamn paper and staplers and shit." "The go..." "Goddamn monitor, huge shit." "Goddamn scanner." "All your shit is on your belt." "You walk around all day with that," "All day with that shit on your belt." "Your pants all low, your pants all low." "'Cause all that shit heavy as hell." "You're like, "oh, shit," "I'm wearing low-Riders right now."" "[Laughs]" "Got all that shit." "You at starbucks or somewhere, you in a coffee shop," "Trying to get some goddamn lunch," "All that shit on your belt." "Just in case some business happens," "You know what I mean?" "I'm glad I got this goddamn scanner with me." "[Mimics scanning]" "Thank god I brought this damn printer." "You look at a cop, right?" "You ever look at a cop real good?" "Look at a cop from head to toe." "Look at this, goddamn." "Look at all that stupid shit." "They got tons of dumb shit on that belt." "Tons of dumb-ass shit." "Right?" "They got..." "The goddamn gun, they got a goddamn taser," "[Bleep]ing mace, goddamn ticket book," "[Bleep]ing whistles, godda..." "Goddamn walkie-Talkie on that mother[bleep]er." "[Bleep]ing lie detector, dna tester." "Breathalyzer, got a [bleep]ing breathalyzer." "Goddamn coffee maker on that mother[bleep]er." "That's a whole lot of bullshit." "When you hop out that goddamn car and start running," "The first thing a cop is thinking is, "goddamn." ""He gonna make me chase his ass" "With all this bullshit on this belt!"" "[Screams] "god!"" "[Thumping]" "Coffee spilling." "[Shrieks]" ""I'm gonna kill your ass!"" "You got a backup cop hanging off, a backup cop over here." "Another dude like..." "[Stammering]" ""Make a left, make a left, make a left." "[Thumping]" "Left, mother[bleep]er, left, left, left, left."" ""Your left, your left, my left?"" ""My left, mother[bleep]er, my left!"" "You gotta be in shape to escape two damn cops, right?" "You want to steal, right?" "Have your ass in shape." "Your ass gotta be in shape to steal." "Get your ass in the gym." "Get your wind up." "Get your strength up." "Right?" "You will frustrate the [bleep] out of a police officer" "If he can't catch your ass." ""This guy's incredible." ""This guy knew this day was gonna come." ""He is prepared for our ass." "I'm gonna run out of gas on this mother[bleep]er right now."" "Get your ass in the gym." "Get in the goddamn gym." "And get on that [bleep]ing treadmill." "You get on the [bleep]ing treadmill" "And you work that shit." "I'ma steal everything." "I'm gonna get this goddamn wind up," "And the police can't [bleep] with me!" "You jogging." "There's a white man on his treadmill," "A nosy-Ass white man on his treadmill next to you." ""Are you a new member?"" "Shut the [bleep] up!" "I'm training to steal some shit, bitch." "Give me that goddamn ipod." "[Laughs]" "Got to go to the gym, man, right?" "And work your ass out, get strong." "See, I go to the gym." "I try..." "I try to go to gym," "A little workout." "I get irritated when I go to gym." "Soon as I walk in the gym, I get irritated." "You know why?" "'Cause everything is so damn heavy." "All this shit." "Ain't no light shit in here?" "[Shrieking]" "What the [bleep] is this?" "My new gym's so damn heavy," "The door to get in that shit heavy." "I'd be like, goddamn," "How the [bleep] you get in this goddamn gym?" "What kind of door is this?" "Goddamn." "[Screams]" "What kind of goddamn door is this?" "[Bleep]." "Whew, how the [bleep] do you get in this goddamn gym?" "Hey, man, people outside can't get in!" "What kind of goddamn door is this?" "I got to wait outside for somebody to leave" "To get in the goddamn gym." "If somebody leave," "I'll slide up in this mother[bleep]er." "Hold the door, hold that goddamn door," "Hold the door, hold the door." "Goddamn." "I'm in the gym." "I don't know how I'm gonna leave," "But I'm up in this mother[bleep]er." "I gotta pull a fire alarm to leave." "We all leaving at the same goddamn time." " You ask a stupid ass question, you get a damn statement." "'Cause that's how I dooz it." "Yeah." "You don't want to mess around with them damn police." "You don't mess around with the damn police, man." "Cops don't be playing." "They grab your ass." "They bend your wrist like this." "The first move, they bend your damn wrist like this." "They turn it, they pull that shit," "And they rip that mo..." "[Groans]" "Put your face on the damn car like this." "Oh, oh, my god, damn, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay." "Okay, officer, okay!" "You're hurting my arm!" "You've got to tell that damn officer," ""Officer, there's a ligament in this [bleep]ing arm."" "The whole body is loaded with ligaments." "Ligaments run the body." "Your body is full of [bleep]ing ligaments." "[Laughs]" "A lot of people think your body is 75% water" "Or whatever it is." "It's 75% ligaments." "That officer bend your damn arm" "And twist your wrist like this." "And you're [bleep]ing..." "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" "And you mess around and rip that ligament while he twisting it," "Guess what you're stuck with for three months." "This right here." "I don't give a damn how handsome your ass is." "You walk in the club with this right here..." "The whole body jacked up, right?" "The pants crooked, you got the pants over here." "You look like this." "You done jacked up your damn ligament." "Now your ligament all jacked up, right?" "You walk into a club with this right here," "Believe me, heads will turn." ""What up, playboy?" "What's going on, fools?"" ""What the hell happened to you?"" ""Man, the police done [bleep]ed up my ligament."" "This ain't good for nothing, right?" "Be in the damn club trying to hang out and shit." "You know what I mean, meeting girls." ""What's up, baby?" "Come here." ""Let me holler at you right quick." ""Come here, let me talk to you right quick." ""Get your ass over here." ""I'll hook the hook on your arm." ""Get your ass over here." ""I'm talking to you." "Don't..." "Don't..." "Don't do that."" "[Laughs]" "This ain't good for nothing." "Know what it's good for?" "Putting in ingredients." "Put a little oregano in there," "A dash of pepper," "And you drizzle some teriyaki, drizzle." "It's a drizzler too." "Then you stir it up with the same hand," "You stir it up." "[Laughs]" "You serve it with the same hand too, see that?" "You want some kool-Aid?" "You want some fruit punch?" "Fruit punch, I got fruit punch over here." "Got fruit punch." "You say it ain't sweet, it ain't sweet, it ain't sweet?" "That goddamn sugar at the bottom, huh?" "Sugar at the bottom." "Try to be cool with this." "[Cheers and applause]" "And your ass can't even get a job," "Because your arm all jacked up, right?" "You going to interviews everywhere." "Hey, I want..." "Can I get a job?" "All the doors slam in your face" "'Cause your damn arm all [bleep]ed up." "Or you gotta get a job doing children's parties," "You know what I mean?" "Doing shadow puppet shows and shit." "Your ass doing shit..." "All right, kids." "Oh, my god." "Did I tell you kids what happened to my arm?" "The police messed up mr." "Johnson's ligament, kids." "So I got a swan, I got a rabbit," "And a pair of scissors." "So the swan and the rabbit went to staples" "To steal a pair of scissors." "And the rabbit was like, "come on, man." ""We don't got to steal no damn scissors." ""It ain't like we ain't got no damn money, man." ""We got money." "We can buy our own pair of scissors."" "And the swan was like, "[bleep] that shit!" ""I'm not paying for no damn scissors." "I'ma keep it real up in here!"" ""Come on, man, not today, man." ""This ain't even cool, man." "You got money in your pocket."" ""I got money!" "My money in my pocket!" ""Like I said, you can be a bitch if you want to," ""But I'm not paying for no mother[bleep]ing scissors."" "[Laughs] this is..." "This is the swan getting arrested." "Ah, ah, ah!" "Took his ass to jail." "They put his ass in [bleep]ing jail." "That's how he look in jail." ""Let me out of here!" ""Yo, what you doing?" "Stop, stop." "Stop, stop!"" "I'm talking about politics." "Everybody wants you to vote for them, right?" ""Vote for me, vote for me."" "They're sitting up there, right?" "They're trying to be honest with you and everything." "You don't know what's going on, right?" "Honest things are coming out your mouth," "But meanwhile, you got a dishonest ass." "The crack of your ass is dishonest to america." "Have you washed your ass today?" "I'm not gonna vote for you, no!" "Turn around." "Let me see your face!" "Don't talk through your ass." "That's how I dooz it." "Other guys ask me after the shows about ligaments." "I'm a goddamn ligament expert, you understand?" "Your whole body is full..." "When I tell your body..." "Fellas, let me tell you about" "Fellas and ligaments." "Your whole body is loaded with ligaments, fellas." "Right?" "You got a ligament that separates" "Your balls and your ass[bleep]." "You know what I'm saying?" "There's a ligament that runs right here, right here," "Between here." "Put your hand down there, feel right now." "Put your hand down there, fellas." "Put your hand..." "Put your hand down there, feel it." "It separates your balls and your ass[bleep]." "It's a little piece of ligament, look at me, right there." "It's a little piece of ligament that separates these two." "Right?" "That's how your body's designed." "You've got to have a little space there." "You can't just go balls and ass[bleep]." "You can't just go straight to balls and ass[bleep]," "Right?" "Your balls..." "Your balls cannot be too close to your ass[bleep]." "You'll [bleep] around and [bleep] your nuts out," "You know what I mean?" "This is called the spring ligament." "The spring ligament, the spring ligament." "This ligament right here is the spring ligament, understand?" "Right?" "When you use this ligament right here," "This is called..." "This ligament gives you the lift." "It picks your johnson up." "Somebody gotta pick your johnson up." "Think that blood's that damn strong to pick your johnson up?" "The blood gets it hard." "But the spring ligament lifts it up, you understand?" "All the guys don't even know it's down there." "You never know it's down there till you get tender one day," "Like, ow, what I do last..." "Ooh, ooh." "You having rough-Ass sex and you realize" "Something ain't right right there." "Anybody ever get that feeling?" "Any guys?" "Like, "ooh, what I do right there?" "What I do?" "What I do?"" "You doing some acrobatic stuff, you're all..." "You're trying something funky, something crazy." "You trying to do something crazy," "And you pull that little piece of ligament right there," "You pull it." "She done messed your damn ligament up." "You in the bathroom like, "ow, ow, what the hell she do?" ""Ow, it's tender, it's tender." ""It's tender." "Ow, it's tender."" "You walk in that bedroom." "Your lady's on the bed." "She's like, "mm, where you been at?" "Come on."" "You're like, "oh, shit."" "'Cause now you ain't got no damn lift." "The blood came to work," "Your johnson hard as a rock." "But it's aimed to the damn ground like that." "Like that." "You're like, "oh, man, what am I going to do?"" "She's like, "come on, baby," "What you doing?" "Come on."" "Oh, shit." "Now you gotta think, think, think, think, think." "You've got to make love to your lady somehow." "What the [bleep] am I going to do?" "What the [bleep] am I going to do?" "How you gonna..." "You gotta turn your lady upside down." "You gotta pogo-Stick that ass." "Take care of your damn lady." "Right?" "Take care of your damn lady." "This your lady right here, playboy?" "Take care of your damn lady, man." "Take care of your lady." "He gonna touch her too." "Mm-Hmm." "[Laughs]" "Aww, look at him." "[Audience awws]" "They're so cute." "You buy nice things, perfume, that kind of stuff?" "Don't you ever buy no perfume!" "A man can't buy a lady perfume, playboy." "You know why?" "Let me tell you why." "It takes women a thousand years" "To find the right fragrance that smells good on them." "Perfume ain't shit." "You understand?" "Perfume is not what makes your lady smell good." "Your lady makes your lady smell good." "Every lady has their own natural chemistry." "You don't believe me?" "Next time you're walking down in times square, right," "Next time you in times square, every lady you walk by," "Just lick their face." "You're going to go to jail, but..." "You will find out that every lady tastes a little different." "You understand?" "All you can do is go in that damn cabinet..." "That's all you can do is go in the cabinet," "See what's almost empty," "Take it, look at it," "And go and buy more of the stuff that she used up already." "Know what I'm saying?" "You come back, you give her that damn perfume" "That she's almost empty on," "I'm telling you, you're gonna get a piece of ass." "She's gonna be like, "oh, my god," ""You are paying attention to me." ""You went in the cabinet and found what was empty." ""Oh, my god, I love you." "I freaking love you, you know that?"" "But, see, now you can't do it with this lady," "'Cause she just heard me." "Your next girlfriend..." "All I buy my wife..." "Let me tell you." "All I buy..." "I'm smart." "All I buy is things I know she loves." "You know what I mean?" "All I buy is, like, high heel stilettos." "That's the sexiest shit in t [bleep]ing world." "Right?" "When a lady knows how to work them damn high heeled shoes," "This shit right here." "This is how my wife walks around the house." "I caught her slinking around the damn house," "She was slinking like this." "That's called slinking around the damn ho..." "Look at this shit." "I'm a grown-Ass man, and I feel sexy right now." "Look at this." "I don't give a damn what my wife got on." "Put them goddamn shoes on." "My wife can have on shoulder pads and a baby diaper," "I don't give a [bleep]." "Put them damn shoes on." "She can have on a whole..." "A beekeeper outfit," "I don't give a [bleep]." "[Imitating bees buzzing]" "I'm like, look at that lady," "Working them goddamn shoes." "Look at her work them shoes." "[Buzzing]" "Ooh, that's sexy!" "[imitates buzzing]" "I don't know a man in here" "Who's turned on by a lady walking around" "With her lazy ass in some damn flip-Flops." "That's the laziest shit." "You come home from a hard-Ass day at work," "You worked your ass off." "You walk in the damn house, she walk up to you," ""Hey, baby, what's up?"" "With that stupid-Ass flip-Flop face." "You know that flip-Flop face?" "She like..." "I bust my ass all day for this shit right here?" " Just dooz it." "Just dooz it, baby!" "[Laughs]" "I played my first villain, right?" "For this movie, I played a villain." "Something cool about being a evil ass." "Wish I could do things at will, you know what I mean?" "Like, do things at will, like..." "You know what I wish I could do?" "I wish I could just, like, pile drive somebody" "Any time I wanted to, you know what I mean?" "Yeah, I gave you..." "I gave you a five." "You gave me change for a one." "Yeah, look in that..." "In that pile of ones." "You'll see a five, you know?" "No, no, no, look, it's..." "No." "Come on, dog." "Come on, man." "Check the pile of ones and give my change back." "Okay." "[Laughs]" "Ah, man, you a damn fool, man." "You don't give my goddamn change back," "Whoo!" "You got me tripping up in here!" "[Yells]" "What's up, grandma, what's up?" "What's up, grandma?" "Love you, baby." "Huh?" "What you talking about, grandma?" "What you talking about?" "Come on, come on, grandma." "I'm showing you some love, grandma." "Give me some love, grandma, stop playing." "You just got out of the hospital," "You should be feeling..." "You know, what's up?" "I came to see you a few times." "What do you mean?" "You don't remember me coming to see you?" "No, come on, grandma." "I ain't go in your purse." "Come on, grandma." "[Scoffs]" "Come on, grandma, you tripping up in here now." "Come on." "I'm your grandson." "Why am I go in your goddamn purse for, grandma?" "Come on, baby." "Come on, grandma." "Come..." "Grandma." "[Laughs]" "Grandma." "Grandma." "[Laughs]" "Grandma?" "That's your lady, playboy?" "Take care of your lady, man." "Ladies want to feel protected." "Know what they like?" "When you make love to 'em and you pick 'em off the ground." "[Growls]" "Give me some love up in here." "Come on, play..." "That's your shit?" "That's your shit too, right?" "I can tell." "You a big, strong-Ass dude." "When you pick a woman up in the air" "And make love to her like that..." "Ladies love it!" "They love it!" "They feel protected, right, big man?" "You strong as hell." "You got that one-Hand thing, right?" "One hand, two seats, right?" "They love it." "They like to put the arm around your neck." ""Ooh, I love you so much." "Oh, I feel so protected." "I feel so safe."" "You be like, "damn right." "Bam."" "Gotta be strong, though." "You gotta be strong." "Gotta have that kind of strength." "See, I don't have that kind of strength." "You know what I'm saying?" "My wife picked me up." "I'll be like, "goddamn!" ""Oh, you tearing daddy's ass up!" "Oh!" "This is crazy!"" "Your lady pick you up, right?" "You a grown-Ass man." "Your damn legs is wrapped around your lady's waist." "What kind of shit is this?" "[Moaning]" ""Oh, you're tearing daddy's ass up, baby!" "Ha-Ha!"" "You got a mirror, you can see yourself in the mirror." ""Look at my stupid ass in the mirror." "I can't look at myself right now."" "Your lady done put your damn legs over her shoulders." "What kind of shit is this?" "You a grown-Ass man." ""Oh, shit." ""Look at my stupid ass in the mirror." "Old lady [bleep]ing the shit out of me!"" "[Cheers and applause]" "People ask me, "how you get in the position" "Where your lady picking your ass up?"" "We were on our honeymoon." "We was going to hawaii." "And I was like, "yeah!" "Whoo-Whoo!"" "She was like, "what's up?" I said, "what's up, baby?"" "Said, "I wanna ask you something."" "I said, "what's up," you know?" "What's up?" "You know?" "That's how the [bleep] I do too, in first class." "Right?" "You in first class, you do what the [bleep] you wanna do," "You hear me?" "There's a sign that says, "no smoking," right?" "Put the seatbelt on." "But there's no little "x"" "Through a captain morgan mother[bleep]er," "Like this." "So I said, "what's up, baby?"" "My wife said, "uh, look here." "When we get to hawaii, I want to get freaky."" "I said, "okay, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up?"" ""When we get to hawaii, I want you to make love to me" ""And pick me off the ground." "Pick me up and make love to me."" "I said, "look here, baby." ""I'm strong for a minute at a time." ""After that first minute," "Your life is in your own hands."" "That first minute, you couldn't tell me shit." "Had my wife in the air, tearing that ass up." "Whoo!" "Mwah!" "[Laughs]" "[Strained grunting]" "[Laughter and applause]" "[Cheers and applause]" "[Laughter and applause]" " What's up, big man?" "Having a good time, big man?" "The big man doing his thing, right, big man?" "Right, isn't that..." "There ain't nothing better than being that powerful, right?" "You a powerful-Ass dude, right?" "Right?" "You'll [bleep] somebody ass up, won't you?" "Tell the truth." "You'll beat somebody's ass, right?" "Tell the truth, you'll beat somebody ass." "Hey, no, no, no, you'll beat somebody ass." "No, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." "You'll beat somebody ass." "You'll beat somebody ass." ""Well, you know, I [bleep] some people up, yeah."" "Every big man needs a little man to hang out with." "Get yourself a little dude." "Little dudes love hanging around with big-Ass dudes, right?" "It doesn't matter what big man doing," "Little dude be right there, right?" "Big man picking money up." ""You will get my goddamn money." "I want my money tomorrow."" "And little dude be like, "yeah, get his goddamn money." "Or you're gonna get [bleep]ed up."" "Big man could be tapping some ass, right?" "Tearing that ass up, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow." "Little man be, "yeah!" "Tear that ass up!" ""My man [bleep]ing the shit out your ass." ""Tear that ass up." ""Let me get a piece of that ass," ""Let me get a piece of this ass." ""Let me get a piece of this." ""She up here laughing at me." ""I can't [bleep] her, I can't [bleep] her." ""You [bleep] her, I can't [bleep] her ass." "Tear that ass up!"" "Anybody here drink?" "Yeah." "Got to be careful what you drinking, man." "Gotta make your own drinks up." "All I drink is, like, rum and energy drinks mixed together." "'Cause rum'll tear your ass up, right?" "Rum'll tear your..." "Rum'll get you so damn drunk, right?" "Put your energy drink in there," "And you'll be too..." "So drunk." "But the energy drink gives you energy," "So you're drunk, but your ass can't fall." "You get that segway balance, that segway balance." "Like this right here." "[Laughter]" "[Laughs]" "God..." "So many things you got to do, man," "To keep your relationship going." "Your lady gotta know how to cook." "Her ass gotta know how to cook." "I don't mean [bleep]ing around and, you know," "I'm..." "I'm talking about real shit." "Shit that men like to eat, right?" "You ever eat some fried chicken" "That was so [bleep]ing horrible, right?" "That was so terrible." "You [bleep] up fried chicken, you ain't shit." "You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible" "That you wished the chicken would show up at your house" "And show your lady how to cook him?" ""Get the [bleep] out of the way." "This is ridiculous." "I'm gonna show you how to cook a piece of chicken."" "He got to tie his own leg off." ""Now pick that chicken leg up." ""Pick it up!" ""Wash it off, wash it off." ""Go in that damn cabinet." ""Get the seasoning salt, the paprika," ""The salt, the pepper, some flour, and a paper bag." ""And hurry up." ""This don't make no [bleep]ing sense." ""Wash that chicken off good." ""'Cause I could kill your ass with salmonella." ""Up here." ""I'm getting so weak." ""Now put that chicken in the goddamn pan." ""And you cook 15 minutes on one side," ""Then turn it over on the other side," ""15 more minutes." ""Oh, shit, I'm blacking out." ""I'm getting real weak here." ""Oh, god." ""Let it brown real good on both sides." "[Panting]" ""When that chicken get done, you come up here" ""And you snap my neck." ""And you rotisserie the rest of me." ""Now don't [bleep] this up now." ""475 in the oven," "Covered up with aluminum foil..."" "[Laughs]" "[Cheers and applause]" " The world revolves..." "Around the man's johnson." "It does." "Whether you believe it or not, ladies." "Look, you guys think that..." "Women think they run the world." "Right, like a man's got to have that stuff, right?" "And we do gotta have it." "But everybody avoids the johnson." "You notice that?" "On tv shows, movies, you can catch a titty anywhere." "Can't catch no johnson nowhere." "People afraid of the johnson, right?" "They cut the johnson out of everything, right?" "The johnson never there." "Even when a johnson supposed to be there," "A johnson ain't there." "Other day I'm home, watching tv, right?" "Right?" "And I caught king kong on tv." "That's a big-Ass gorilla." "Big-Ass gorilla." "This gorilla's huge." "This mother[bleep]er climbed the empire state building." "Right?" "Watched the whole goddamn movie." "No [bleep]ing johnson." "You kidding me?" "This ain't no little [bleep]ing orangutan." "This a [bleep]ing monster, a [bleep]ing monster of a gorilla." "I paused that movie a thousand times." "He had his legs open several times." "No, nothing, zero!" "No johnson at all in the movie." "He ain't got no [bleep]ing pants on." "You [bleep] around and put that johnson" "In that goddamn movie," "It's a whole different movie." " Ladies and gentlemen, I give you kong." "Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen," "These chains are made of iron." " [Roaring]" "[Sirens blare]" "[Dramatic music]" "♪ ♪" "[Sirens continue]" "[Woman screams]" "[Gunfire]" "[Roaring]" "[Cheers and applause]" "And that is how I dooz it." "[Hip hop music]" "♪ ♪" " ♪ That's how I dooz it, yo baby, I'm gangster slick ♪" " Peace, y'all." "I love y'all." "Peace and love." "I'm j.B. Smoove, y'all." "Y'all be good." "Peace and love!" "Oh!" "[Yells]" "Oh!" "Y'all be good." "I love y'all!" "Peace!" "[Cheers and applause]"