"In the winter of 1924, I returned to England." "Lady Marchmain had written to me in Paris to tell me that Sebastian would complete his tour with Mr Samgrass in time to spend Christmas with his family." "She invited me to Brideshead." "Christmas with my uncle, however, was an engagement I could not break." "So it was two days later that I traveled across country expecting to find Sebastian already established." "Thank you, thank you." "And those two over there if you would be so kind" "No, no, those two over there." "Thank you." "Charles, Happy Christmas, or should I say Happy New Year?" "Happy New Year, Mr Samgrass." "Sebastian, what are you doing on the train?" "I thought you were going to be home for Christmas." "There was a delay." "It was the luggage." "Mr Atkinson at Cooks promised it would arrive by the 24th but unfortunately" "How was Egypt?" "I'll tell you later." "This one is when we reached the top of the pass." "We heard the galloping horses behind and two soldiers came to the head of the caravan and turned us back." "There they are on the right." "They reached us only just in time." "There was a band not a mile ahead." "A band?" "Goodness!" "A jazz band?" "Dear Lady Julia, no." "I suppose the sort of folk-music you get in those parts is very monotonous." "Dear Lady Marchmain, a band of brigands." "The mountains are full of them." "Stragglers from Kemal's army" "Greeks who got cut off in the retreat." "Very desperate follows, I assure you." "Charles." "Do pinch me." "So you never got to wherever it was." "Weren't you terribly disappointed, Sebastian?" "Me?" "Me?" "Oh, I don't think I was there that day." "Was I Sammy?" "That was the day you were ill." "Yes, that was the day I was ill so I shouldn't have got to wherever it was." "Should I, Sammy?" "Sorry." "Now this, Lady Marchmain, was our Turkish cook" "Ali Torkut, that's him on the left." "That's me at Damascus." "That's me with a rather tiresome Turkish." "This is a group taken near Jericho, I think no Jerusalem." "All ruins and mules and you." "Where's Sebastian?" "Ah, he He held the camera." "He became quite an expert as soon as he learned not to put his hand over the lens, didn't you, Sebastian?" "This is us, taken by a street photographer in Beirut." "There's Sebastian." "Goodness, isn't that Anthony Blanche?" "Yes, we saw quite a lot of him." "Met him by chance at Constantinople." "A delightful companion." "I can't think how I missed knowing him." "Here we are again, at Krak-des-Chevaliers." "There's Anthony again!" "Yes, he came with us all the way to Beirut." "Well, that's it, I'm afraid." "Thank you, Mr Samgrass." "It must have been a wonderful tour for you both." "May I have a word with you, Bridey?" "Of course, mother." "It must have been an extraordinary trip?" "Yes." "Did you ride a camel?" "I don't know." "Probably." "Will you tell me about Paris, Charles?" "Well, it's not very exciting in comparison but it's going very well." "When are you going to come and stay Sebastian?" "You'll like it." "I suppose they all think you're wonderful over there?" "Well, it's amazing but I don't seem to have put a foot wrong." "The teachers are very good." "I'm not sure about the students." "They never go near the Louvre." "Half of them are only interested in making a popular splash like Picabia and the other half just want to do advertisements for Vogue and decorate night clubs." "Charles" "Modern art is all bosh, isn't it?" "Great bosh, Cordelia." "Oh, I am glad." "Cordelia, why don't you run away and leave us in peace?" "Aren't you at all pleased to be home?" "Yes, of course I'm pleased." "Well, you might show it." "I've been looking forward to it so much." "How extraordinary you running into Anthony Blanche." "Yes, wasn't it?" "Dear old Antoine." "Quite like old times." "Excuse me, my lord." "I say, where's the cocktail tray?" "Isn't it time they brought it in?" "It's still a bit early." "Mr Wilcox is upstairs with Her Ladyship, my Lord." "Well, never mind." "Bring it in yourself." "Mr Wilcox has the keys, my Lord." "Well, send him in the moment he comes down." "Very good, my Lord." "Yes, extraordinary meeting Anthony like that." "He's very changed." "You wouldn't have recognized him." "He had grown a great beard in Istanbul." "Where the hell is Wilcox?" "Very unbecoming and I made him shave it off." "Well I don't think I want a cocktail, anyway." "I'll go up and see Nanny and then I'll have my bath." "Ah, Charles." "Can you give me a moment?" "There's something I've got to explain." "Of course." "Mother's given orders that no drinks are to be left in any of the rooms." "You'll understand why." "If you want anything, ring and ask Wilcox only best wait until you're on your own." "I'm sorry but there it is." "Is that really necessary?" "I gather very necessary." "You may or may not have heard" "Sebastian had another outbreak when he got back to England." "He was lost over Christmas." "Mr Samgrass only found him yesterday evening." "I guessed something of the sort must have happened." "Are you sure this is the best way of dealing with it?" "It's my mother's way." "Oh, do have a drink yourself if you want now he's gone upstairs." "It would choke me." "Hello Nanny." "I was looking for Sebastian." "I thought he might be here." "I told him he was looking peaky." "All that foreign food I don't suppose it agreed with him." "He looked as though he'd been having some late nights, too by the look of his eyes." "Dancing, I suppose." "And his shirt wanted darning." "I told him to bring it here to me before it goes to the wash." "Thank you, Nanny." "Oh, it's you." "You gave me a fright." "So you got a drink." "I don't know what you mean." "Oh, come on, you don't have to pretend with me." "You might offer me one." "It's just a little something I had in my flask." "It's empty now." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "A lot." "I'll tell you sometime." "Well, I'd better go and get changed." "It is certainly true, Lady Marchmain, about the Levantine cuisine it can have the most alarming aspects for the uninitiated." "When we were dining with the Patriarch at Trebizond we were offered that most special delicacy the eye of the sheep in a bed of cous cous." "How very disgusting." "Indeed, I was struggling to find my demotic Greek for" "I like sheep's eye but sheep's eye doesn't like me"" "You seem to have borne your hardships very well, Mr Samgrass." "Yes." "Who's hunting tomorrow?" "I am." "I'm taking that horse of yours, Julia, if you don't mind." "Just to show him to the hounds." "That's all right I think Rex is arriving sometime tomorrow." "I suppose I'd better stay and see him." "Sorry." "Bit late." "I've promised an outing on Mr Beelzebub tomorrow." "Really Cordelia, what an unfortunate name for a pony." "You don't get the point, Mummy." "Sister Bridget said that if you can ride the devil you can ride anything." "Where is this meat?" "Is it here?" "Yes, it is." "Well, if it's here, I'd like to hunt please." "That's if there's something for me." "Of course." "Be delighted." "I would have asked you, Sebastian, but you always used to complain of being made to go out." "Well, tomorrow I'd like to." "It's perfectly simple, then." "You can have Tinker bell, she's been going very nicely this season." "No, thank you." "I'll have whisky, please." "I'm so glad you're going out tomorrow, Sebastian a day out will be so good for you." "Mr Samgrass was telling me how you both stood up to the hardships of your journey together." "I'd no idea you had to endure such discomfort." "Has he?" "I was explaining about the time we were held at the Turkish border and had to share the guards' supper." "Don't you remember?" "Yes, of course the guards' supper." "Are we going to chapel tonight, Mummy?" "No, no." "I don't think so." "I think an early night will do us all good." "Someone remind me to write out a note for the stables." "I think Tinker bell will suit you very well, Sebastian." "You won't let me down tomorrow, promise?" "You will try and look smart?" "Of course." "I rather wish I was coming out with you tomorrow." "You wouldn't see much sport." "I can tell you exactly what I'm going to do." "I shall leave Bridey at the first cover hack across to the nearest pub" "and spend the entire day quietly soaking in the bar parlour." "If they treat me like a dipsomaniac, they can bloody well have a dipsomaniac." "I hate hunting, anyway." "Well, I can't stop you." "You can, as a matter of fact." "By not giving me any money." "They stopped my banking account, you know, in the summer." "It's been one of my chief difficulties." "I pawned my watch and cigarette case to ensure a happy Christmas." "So I shall have to come to you tomorrow for my day's expenses." "I won't." "You know perfectly well I can't." "Won't you, Charles?" "Oh well, I daresay I shall manage on my own somehow." "I've got pretty clever at that recently, managing on my own." "I've had to." "Sebastian, what have you and Mr Samgrass been up to?" "He told you at dinner." "Ruins and guides and mules." "That's what Sammy's been up to." "And you?" "I suppose I may as well tell you since he unfortunately seems to have been very indiscreet about my happy Christmas." "I gave Sammy the slip." "I had begun to guess." "I got lucky at cards in Constantinople and I was just enjoying a very happy hour in a bar when who should walk in, but Anthony Blanche with a beard, and a very pretty little Jew boy." "Anthony lent me a tenner to help me escape" "just before Sammy came panting in to recapture me." "After that he wouldn't let me out of his sight." "But in Athens it was easy." "We stayed in the Legation." "One day after lunch I simply walked out cashed the money at Cooks found a sailor who spoke American lay up with him until his ship sailed and popped back to Constantinople and that was that." "Didn't Sammy mind?" "He was a bit anxious at first." "I didn't want him to get the entire Mediterranean Fleet out, so I cabled him saying that I am quite well and please send half our money to the Ottoman Bank and keep the rest for yourself." "Poor old Sammy." "Poor old Sammy." "I almost feel sorry for him." "In the end I think he quite enjoyed himself in his own ghastly little way." "So here I am." "After Christmas." "Yes." "I was determined to have a happy Christmas." "Did you?" "I think so." "I don't remember much about it." "That's always a good sign, isn't it?" "Sebastian!" "Sebastian?" "You can't go dressed like that." "Do go and change." "You look so lovely in your hunting clothes." "They're all locked away somewhere." "Gibbs couldn't find them." "That's a fib." "I helped get them out myself before you were called." "You promised me." "There are all sorts of bits missing." "Well, it just encourages the Strickland Venables." "They've been behaving rottenly." "They've even taken their grooms out of top hats." "You see." "They won't even trust me that far." "It's they who are mad, not me." "Good morning." "Now you can't refuse me money." "More!" "Sebastian!" "Lunch!" "Good morning, Sebastian." "So, Sebastian is in pursuit of the fox and our little problem is shelved for an hour or two." "I heard all about your Grand Tour, last night." "Ah, I rather supposed you might have." "I did not harrow our hostess with all that." "After all, it turned out far better than anyone had any right to expect." "I did feel, however, that some explanation was due to her for Sebastian's Christmas festivities." "You may have observed last night that there were certain precautions." "I did." "You thought them excessive?" "I am with you." "Particularly as they tend to compromise the comfort of our own little visit." "I have seen Lady Marchmain this morning." "You must not suppose I am just out of bed." "I have had a little talk upstairs with our hostess." "I think we may hope for some relaxation tonight." "Yesterday was not an evening that any of us would wish to have repeated." "I'm not sure that tonight is quite the time to start the relaxation." "Sebastian can come to no mischief today." "For one thing, he has no money, I happen to know." "I saw to it." "I even have his watch and cigarette case upstairs." "He will be quite harmless." "As long as no one is so wicked as to give him any." "Don't you get bored with the subject?" "Why must everyone make such a thing about it?" "Because we're fond of him." "Well, I'm fond of him too in a way, I suppose." "Only I wish he'd behave like anyone else." "I grew up with one family skeleton, you know Poppa." "Not to be talked of in front of the servants not to be talked of in front of us when we were children." "If Mummy is going to start making a skeleton out of Sebastian it's too much." "If he wants to be always tight, why doesn't he go off to Kenya or somewhere, where it doesn't matter?" "Why does it matter less being unhappy in Kenya than anywhere else?" "Don't pretend to be stupid, Charles." "You understand perfectly." "You mean there won't be so many embarrassing situations for you?" "When do you go to Paris, Charles?" "In about a month." "I think I'm beginning to miss it." "Now I have got a new studio on the Ile St Louis." "It's up about six flights of stairs but there's a wonderful view." "The light's quite different in Paris." "I love that part, the river and Notre Dame." "You must be happy there." "I'm hoping Sebastian will come and stay with me when I go back." "That would have been lovely, Charles." "I hope he will be coming to stay with me in London." "You know that's impossible." "London is the worst place." "Even Mr Samgrass couldn't find him there." "We have no secrets in this house." "He was lost, you know, all through Christmas." "Mr Samgrass only found him because he couldn't pay the bill where he was, so they had to telephone our house." "It's too horrible." "No, London is impossible." "If he can't behave himself here with us" "we shall have to keep him healthy and happy here for a while and then send him abroad again with Mr Samgrass." "You see, I've been through all this before." "I hope he's having a good day." "The retort was there." "Unspoken, well understood by both of us." "You couldn't keep your husband, he ran away." "So will Sebastian, because they both hate you." "Thus, with Julia and Lady Marchmain" "I reached deadlock." "Not because we failed to understand one another but because we understood too well." "The subject was everywhere in the house like a fire deep in the hold of a ship." "And you think you can find a reference?" "Yes, I do." "Mummy, do look at Rex's Christmas present." "Hello, Rex." "Mr Mottram." "Hello, Samgrass." "Dear me" "I wonder if it eats the same kinds of things as an ordinary tortoise?" "What will you do when it's dead?" "Can you have another tortoise fitted into the shell?" "This slightly obscene object became a memorable part of the evening." "One of those needle-hooks of experience which catch the attention when larger matters are at stake and remain in the mind when they are forgotten so that years later it is a bit of gilding, or a certain smell or the tone of a clock ticking, which recall one to a tragedy." "I hope it's dipsomania." "That's simply a great misfortune we must all help him bear." "What I used to fear was that he just got drunk deliberately when he liked and because he liked." "But that's exactly what he did, that's what we both did." "It's what he does with me now." "I can keep him to that if only your mother would trust me." "If you worry him with keepers and cures he'll be a physical wreck in a few years." "There's nothing wrong with being a physical wreck, you know?" "There's no moral obligation to become" "Master of Foxhounds or Postmaster General or to live to walk ten miles at eighty." "Wrong, moral obligation Now you're back on religion." "I never left it." "Do you know, Bridey?" "If ever I thought about becoming a Catholic" "I'd only have to talk to you for five minutes to be cured." "You manage to reduce what seem quite sensible propositions into stark nonsense." "It's odd you should say that." "I've heard it before from other people." "It's one of the reasons why I don't think I should have made a good priest." "It's something in the way my mind works, I suppose." "Send him to Borethus in Zurich." "Borethus is the man." "He performs miracles every day at that Sanatorium of his." "You know how Charlie Kilcartney used to drink" "No." "No, I'm afraid I don't know how Charlie Kilcartney drank." "Two wives despaired of him." "When he got engaged to Sylvia, she made it a condition that he go to Zurich and take the cure." "And it worked." "He came back three months later a different man." "And he hasn't touched a drop since, even though Sylvia walked out on him." "Why did she do that?" "Well" "Charlie got to be a bit of a bore when he stopped drinking." "But that's not the point of the story." "No, I suppose, really it's meant to be an encouraging story." "He takes sex cases too, you know." "Oh dear, what very peculiar friends poor Sebastian will make in Zurich." "He's booked up for months ahead but I think he might find room if I asked him." "I could telephone him from here tonight." "I'll think about it." "Fine." "Hello." "Hello Rex." "Hi, Cordelia." "Oh Julia, what's that?" "How beastly." "It's my Christmas present from Rex." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm always putting my foot in it." "But how cruel." "It must hurt frightfully." "They can't feel." "How do you know?" "I bet they can." "I've already had one tea at Mrs. Barney's but I'm still hungry." "It was a spiffing day." "You should have seen Jean Strickland-Venables when she fell off in the mud." "Where's Sebastian?" "He's in disgrace." "Coming out in that beastly rat-catcher's coat and that mean little tie like something from Captain Morvin's Riding Academy." "I just didn't recognize him in the meet and I hope nobody else did." "Why?" "Isn't he back yet?" "I expect he got lost." "Poor little thing" "and that horrid tortoise." "Lady?" "Did I hear Lord Sebastian come back, Wilcox?" "Yes, my Lady." "He's just arrived." "He rang up from South Twining to be collected." "He must have stopped for tea with someone." "South Twining?" "Who lives there?" "He spoke from a hotel, my Lady." "South Twining?" "Goodness, he did get lost!" "Thank you, Wilcox." "Dear boy, how nice to see you looking so well again." "Your day in the open has done you good." "The drinks are on the table, do help yourself." "Thank you, I will." "There was nothing unusual in her speech but the fact of her saying it." "Six months ago it would not have been said." "That horse of yours, Bridey" "It's no damned use" "Couldn't get it over a molehill" "How do you expect me to keep up with the rests of the field even if I wanted to?" "Don't sit too long, Bridey." "Shall I serve the port, my Lord?" "Yes, thank you." "Charles, you saw it." "You saw how pathetic it was" "you saw it." "A blow, expected, repeated, falling on a bruise with no smart or shock of surprise, only a dull and sickening pain and the doubt whether another like it could be borne." "That was how it felt sitting opposite Sebastian at dinner that night." "You'd best go to bed, Sebastian." "Have some port first." "Have some port if you want it." "But don't come into the drawing room." "Too bloody drunk!" "Like golden times." "Gentlemen always too drunk join ladies in olden times." "April 26." "Got some more red enamel paint red to my mind, being the best colour and painted the coal scuttle, and the backs of our Shakespeare the binding of which had almost worn out." "Sebastian's gone to bed." "I think we should go too." "Cordelia?" "Julia?" "Oh, not just yet, Mummy." "I'm staying up for a little." "Come up and see me before you go to bed." "I shan't be asleep." "Goodnight, Rex." "Goodnight Lady Marchmain." "Goodnight Mother." "Goodnight." "Ah, Lady Marchmain, thank you for reading so delightfully." "Goodnight, Mr Samgrass." "Goodnight Charles." "Goodnight Lady Marchmain." "Goodnight Charles." "Goodnight Cordelia." "Mr Samgrass, are you coming?" "Oh yes, indeed." "I'm more than ready." "Goodnight." "Goodnight." "Goodnight." "Goodnight." "You're packing, Charles." "What's happening?" "I'm going." "Tell me honestly you don't want me to stay, do you?" "No, Charles." "I don't believe I do." "I'm no help, am I?" "No help." "I'd better go and say goodbye to your mother." "The problem is I've got a tremendous amount of work to get done before I go back to Paris." "I'm sorry I'm not able to stay as long as I'd hoped" "And I hope you'll forgive me rushing off like this" "Well, then it's goodbye, Charles." "Goodbye, Lady Marchmain and thank you very much for having me to stay." "Charles, there's something I must ask you." "Did you give Sebastian money yesterday?" "Yes." "Knowing how he was likely to spend it?" "Yes." "I don't understand it." "I simply don't understand how anyone could do something so callously wicked." "I'm not going to reproach you." "God knows it's not for me to reproach anyone." "Any failure in my children is my failure." "But I don't understand it." "I don't understand how you could have been so nice in so many ways and then do something so wantonly cruel." "I don't understand how we all liked you so much." "Did you hate us all the time?" "I don't understand how we deserved it." "Goodbye." "I remained unmoved." "There was no part of me remotely touched by her distress." "It was as I had often imagined being expelled from school." "I almost expected to hear her say:" "I have already written to inform your unhappy father"" "But, as I drove away" "I felt that I was leaving part of myself behind and that wherever I went afterwards, I should feel the lack of it and search for it hopelessly" "as ghosts are said to do." "I shall never go back, I said to myself." "A door had shut." "The low door in the wall I had sought and found at Oxford." "Open it now and I should find no enchanted garden." "I had come to the surface into the light of common day after a long captivity in the sunless coral palaces and waving forests of the ocean bed." "I have left behind illusion, I said to myself:" "Henceforth, I live in a world of three dimensions with the aid of my five senses." "I have since learned that there is no such world." "But then, as the car turned out of sight of the house" "I thought it took no finding but lay all about me at the end of the avenue."