"* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know?" "* * you always tell me * * perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "hi." "so what do i tell julia?" "about what?" "about this "hi-ing" incident?" "she just said "hi."" "but, steve, you don't know what i said." "hi." "you realize this doesn't mean you're engaged or anything?" "people say "hi," jeff." "hi." "so i thought to myself, well, that's a good sign." "what was?" "he said, "hi."" "you know how men always try to pretend they haven't seen you and then sneak off without saying anything." "what did you say?" "i realized i had to play it cool." "oh, hello!" "lovely to see you, james." "come in, sit down." "can i get you something?" "this is the stationery cupboard, isn't it?" "not your house or anything?" "then i realized i'd missed cool by the tiniest bit." "i quickly adjusted." "no, this isn't my house, james." "would you like the address?" "missed again, but i was pretty sure i got away with it." "i just want a hole puncher, actually." "really?" "that's interesting." "are you wanting to punch some holes?" "well, yes." "honestly...you men." "over there?" "yes." "i haven't said anything to julia yet." "you just said, "hi." there's nothing to tell her." "there's a lot in "hi."" "there are two letters in "hi."" "yeah, and i hit both of them like a crazy fool." "like a what?" "it was like a disaster movie." "halfway through the "h,"" "i'm thinkin', "no, no!" "pull out now!"" "have you ever tried to pull out during an "h"?" "jeff, the world, in all its fabulous diversity, is entirely populated by people who have never tried to pull out during an "h."" "d'you know why?" "'cause it isn't a proper letter!" "it's just a-- it's just a "hhh" noise." "once you've started on the "hhh,"" "you've basically "h"ed." "so what could i say?" "h-hello?" "h-how are you?" "h-hippo?" "hippo?" "you can't say hippo." "you don't want to come off sounding like some surreal cupboard loitering lunatic." "it's ironic that you should have that as a specific ambition." "so i said, "hi."" "suddenly it was out there, suddenly that little word was hanging in the air...pouting." "pouting?" "like a scantily dressed prostitute reclining on a streetlamp." "we're still talking about the word "hi" right?" "aren't you reading a lot into a man saying "hi"?" "there's a bit more to it than that." "you said the hole punchers were here." "no, i didn't." "i asked you, and you said, "yes."" "oh...that was just a general "yes."" "fine." "as he turned away, i felt his eyes burning into my very soul." "as he turned away?" "so his eyes had to burn through the back of his own head first." "i know!" "the mad fool!" "what happened next?" "she took a large stapler from one of the shelves." "a large stapler?" "sorry. it's hard to tell which part of the story is meant to be interesting." "look, you just said "hi" to some woman." "it's not just some woman, steve." "wilma!" "wilma?" "i have a history with wilma lettings." "wilma has the desk opposite the upper-floor photocopier." "opposite the photocopier?" "!" "missed again, didn't i?" "once..." "about a year ago, i was photocopying some of the '96-'97 correspondence, just casually, and in the course of events, my head became trapped." "yeah, there's only so much you can cover with" ""in the course of events."" "the shelf above the photocopier fell down and trapped my head." "that's not the point." "the point is the new and terrifying location of my ass!" "my ass is now staring wilma lettings in the face." "the more i tried to get my head out, the more i have to move my ass!" "it's an ass nightmare." "an assmare." "there i am innocently trying to free my head from the photocopier, and my ass is wiggling about like an ass maniac." "like--like an ass of insanity in the mind of a madman, right in the face of wilma lettings." "actually, i think i heard laughter." "yeah?" "it's possible." "so, what with all the laughter and everything, i refused to come out from the photocopier." "why?" "nobody knew it was me!" "and they'd all be gone by 6:00." "i just had to stay in there for 40 minutes and there was a chance, just a chance, i could walk in the next morning and for once in my life avoid total humiliation." "i made one tiny mistake." "584 photocopies of my face." "anyway...better just-- probably got stapling to do." "um...yeah." "um... yeah?" "just been meaning to say that whole photocopier incident if you happen to remember that... i pulled a stomach muscle." "it was very stupid, the whole business." "no big deal." "one of the stupidest things i've ever done." "one of them?" "it's in the top three." "i've got to ask, what's number one?" "i urinated behind lorraine kelly during a live outside broadcast." "right." "my mother saw it on a video wall at dixons." "she'd called the whole shop over before i--events unfolded." "okay." "at first, she thought i was going to be a guest." "imagine her disappointment." "i have a mental image." "number two?" "very similar, but with ulrika johnson." "well, i'm certainly sorry i've missed out on the highlights of your television career." "oh, no, don't worry!" "apparently i have a website." "i'll look it up." "are you free for a drink on friday?" "a drink?" "yeah. a bunch of us sometimes go for a drink after work." "you should come along." "thank you." "and sorry again about the whole photocopier/ass incident." "god knows what you thought from where you were sitting." "actually... i just thought you were photocopying the wrong end." ""you were photocopying the wrong end."" "what do you think?" "ulrika johnson?" "we just stood there, looking at each other." "there was so much electricity you could've executed ten fat murderers." "it's always like that when we get close." "always?" "we have a history." "james came to the radio station about six months ago." "i remember the first time i saw him." "aah!" "aah!" "i just knew i had to meet this man as soon as possible without seeming like some mad stalking woman, so i practiced my opening line over and over." "hi, i'm jane." "nice car." "hi, i'm jane." "you've got a brilliant car." "and i sat down, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "hi, i'm jane." "you've got a fantastic car."" "hi, i'm jane." "you've got a fantastic penis." "i'm sorry?" "i used to have one of those." "well, my boyfriend did." "but i wrote it off." "you meant to say "car," didn't you?" "i did say "car."" "yes." "yes, of course you did." "will you excuse me?" "so this history you have with this guy amounts to bumping into him a couple of times at work?" "i haven't told you what happened the last time." "so far he's picked up a hole puncher." "and that was just the beginning." "you're the girl i met in the canteen, aren't you?" "i'm jane." "i do the traffic reports... from a helicopter." "what?" "no, i'm sorry." "i'm just remembering, um... you're the one who said-- said what?" "you meant to say car, but you said "penis."" "i did not!" "i'm afraid you did." "look, mr. conceited, just 'cause there's an attractive man in front of me doesn't mean i start saying "penis" when i mean "penis."" "i mean penis--car!" "penis--car!" "penis... so, what do you do at the radio station?" "i present the religious program." "the religious program?" "yes, the modern christian." "i take it you're not one of our listeners." "oh, no." "i have a television." "but you don't look religious." "you don't expect religious people to have-- you know...cars." "i really hope you meant to say "cars" that time." "( chuckles ) anyway... i should be getting on." "actually... i'm a christian myself." "i just happen to dress well." "really?" "you see, i find religion very relevant to my work." "when you spend your days in a helicopter, dicing with actual death, sometimes you look down at the ground so far below you, and you find yourself thinking... i'm a bit like god." "okay." "only without the omnipotence and the x-ray vision." "i don't think god's the one with the x-ray vision." "oh!" "this is wonderful." "i don't often discuss religion with someone who really knows about it." "yes, that was coming across." "actually..." "yes?" "just wondering..." "are you free on friday night?" "i'd love to..." "be free on friday night and, actually, i am!" "praise the lord!" "it's just... what does he need me for if he's already worshipping god?" "i don't want to find myself competing with god." "it wouldn't be fair on either of us." "anyway, you've already got a date." "obviously, he's got room for both of you." "well, actually... it's not exactly a date." "then what exactly is it?" "do you absolutely promise not to laugh?" "did she mean nice bottom or "you were being an ass"?" "how long's this going to go on?" "does she dislike me facially or like me bottomly?" "face, ass-- what's the big deal?" "do you know what asses are, patrick?" "asses are the human race's favorite thing." "we like them on each other." "we like them on magazine covers." "we even like them on babies." "when we're alone, we like to scratch them." "when there's a fire, we like to warm them." "and who among us hasn't, in a lonely moment, reached back for a discreet fondle?" "we love our asses." "when god gave us our asses, he had to stick them round the back just so we wouldn't sit and stare at them all day." "'cause when god made the ass, he didn't say," ""it's just your basic hinge." "let's knock off early."" "he said, "behold ye angels, i have created the ass."" ""throughout the ages to come," ""men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name."" "why didn't you just tell her you've got a girlfriend?" "your girlfriend is her boss." "just tell her that." "let her know where she stands in the food chain." "julia doesn't want anyone in the office to know about us." "anyway, if i tell wilma i've got a girlfriend, that's like tellin' her to back off, and i--i can't tell her to back off till i know she's comin' on." "i am grappling with the most ancient dilemma of man." "she likes me, but which end?" "( susan and sally laughing )" "hi." "oh, hi." "it's jeff." "i know." "you're standing in front of me." "that's right, i am." "well, glad we got that settled." "yeah." "listen..." "just wanted to say really looking forward to that drink on friday." "i was going to ask if you wanted to cancel because no one else can make it, but, hey, what the hell." "just the two of us, eh?" "much nicer." "um...yeah. much." "wilma, is this an actual proper date?" "yeah...okay." "i have a girlfriend!" "congratulations." "i have a boyfriend." "oh, my god." "i'm sorry." "i didn't realize." "i thought-- i thought you meant date date, but you meant date." "that's--that's fine." "that's wonderful." "oh, good." "you've got a boyfriend." "that's brilliant, well done." "i'm sorry to take up so much of your time when you've got a boyfriend of your own." "i'll be off." "see you tomorrow night." "you should bring your boyfriend along." "he's in australia." "australia?" "yeah." "been there six months." "you must miss him." "sure. i'm on the phone to him all the time telling him." "of course you are." "shouldn't leave a girl on her own getting lonely every night." "getting lonely specifically for him?" "yeah...specifically for him." "that's what i tell him." "but, um... uh...w-why-- why... why... hippo!" "sorry." "argh..." "( breathing heavily ) hi, sexy." "what's wrong?" "uh, nothing's wrong." "i'm just alert." "listen, friday night... we're doing something friday night." "i'll cancel everything 'cause you're my girlfriend." "no, i'm going to leeds on friday, and i'll have to stay overnight." "ah... but you can go out, though." "it's friday night." "for once you can stay out late without me checking up on you." "yeah, right. great!" "see you later." "yeah, later." "okay, everybody, say hi to jane." "hi, jane." "hi." "jane, like all of us has a keen interest in her faith and how it relates to all aspects of her life." "don't worry, jane." "it's all very informal." "okay." "i'll just sit next to jane then, shall i?" "don't worry." "i won't bite you." "well, i won't break your neck then." "okay, we're all getting to know jane, so are there any questions for her?" "jane, i was wondering, um, have you been religious all your life, or is it something that's happened to you quite recently?" "um... both." "i don't think i quite understand your answer." "oh, i'm sorry." "( loudly ) both!" "can i--can i just ask what aspect of the religious experience is it that most appeals to you?" "what aspect?" "yes." "of the religious experience, of the many aspects of the religious experience." "exactly." "is my favorite?" "yeah." "well...i'd have to say... god!" "god?" "he's good, isn't he?" "i don't think you'll get much argument out of us lot." "and that was just my first go!" "um...can i ask something?" "you go right ahead, dear." "what do you feel about the crisis of faith?" "sounds fantastic." "sometimes i find when my prayers seem to go unanswered and it's so very hard to find god's love in my life that it's difficult to keep believing that god is still a real force in the world watching over us." "i find doubt so often in my heart." "you know... perhaps i can help here." "sure. go ahead." "that's what this is all about." "what's your name?" "andrew." "andrew. lovely." "well, andrew, there's something i probably better explain." "god is just a made-up person." "you can't expect him to be answering your prayers if he's not real, can you?" "it's like writing to the characters of a soap opera and expecting a reply, mr. silly sausage!" "jane... yes, james?" "here, we are rather of the opinion that god is, in fact, real." "no!" "yes." "he's not, is he?" "well, you don't believe in god?" "well--i suppose i never found him very realistic." "here, we do rather hold to the idea of one true loving god." "oh, no, that can't be right." "i'm sorry?" "they've got different gods in different countries." "you should've checked that." "obviously, there are other faiths." "what if they're like mps, and there's different gods for different areas, and they all report to a sort of head god, like...thor or somebody?" ""thor"?" "thor, the thunder god, the one with the hammer." "we did him at school." "he was totally my favorite." "you know, i'm not that easy, but show me a muscular blonde who can control the weather, and this girl's on all fours." "okay. let's move on, shall we." "has anyone else got something they want to discuss?" "perhaps we should go back to what we were discussing last week." "yes, we had a very lively debate last week." "what about?" "sex before marriage." "ah...now you're talking my language!" "we're against it." "i'm sorry?" "a number of us feel that premarital sex is a very bad thing." "oh, you're so wrong!" "shagging's brilliant!" "take it when you can get it is what i say!" "jane, there are many different views on this." "some people are happy with the idea of multiple partners." "some people, like myself, simply prefer to avoid premarital sex." "exactly!" "you don't seem to realize... is something wrong, jane?" "no!" "target acquired." "target acquired." "that means he's arrived?" "we have our advisors on-line." "that's you two." "this is ridiculous!" "why does he need us to translate for him?" "women aren't a completely different species, you know." "jeff, women aren't a completely different species." "he just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink." "he'll do friendly, but he won't do date." "why doesn't he know already?" "because he is jeff, and there is no known cure." "hi." "excuse me." "i don't see why it's such a problem." "it is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants." "and that's not fair 'cause you always know what we want." "because we have the decency to only want one thing." "and do you ever thank us for making it so simple?" "never!" "i just think it's stupid!" "where is he now?" "ulrika!" "the loo." "so... is it always like that?" "actually, that was quite lively, and the punch was, i believe, unprecedented." "so...you and god, then?" "me and god." "i don't mean to put you on the spot, but... what's he got that i haven't?" "he created the universe, the world we live in, the sun, the sea, the skies, the stars." "and you." "personally, i think his work's improving." "and this..." "premarital thing... sorry." "i happen to want to remain a virgin till my wedding night." "do you have to start now?" "yes." "would it help if i took my top off?" "no." "are you absolutely sure you're a man?" "!" "can i see you again?" "james, i'm horrible." "i'm totally self-involved and a compulsive attention-seeker." "and tonight i was really mean to all your little friends." "how could you possibly want to see me again?" "i have faith." "hi." "hi." "well, i'm back from the toilet now." "well...yes, i know." "he's back from the toilet now." "check." "okay. before we get any further, it's cards-on-the-table time." "i fancy you like mad, and i think you fancy me." "am i right?" "need any help translating that one?" "these are my ovaries." "please come inside." "careful jeff, she's packing ovaries." "julia: oh, is that jeff?" "i've been trying to phone." "it's constantly engaged." "oh, look, everyone, it's julia!" "jeff's girlfriend!" "who's now taking the phone!" "are you okay?" "hi, jeff, it's me, darling." "hello." "hello." "i'm just heading off." "i just wanted to say i love you and have a fantastic time tonight." "are you okay?" "i'm fine." "i think i've got a cold coming." "i've been feeling dreadful all day." "but don't you worry about silly ol' me." "you just tell me you love me, and get out and enjoy yourself." "come on, jeff, it's a simple enough question." "do you fancy me?" "jeff?" "do you love me?" "well, jeff?" "do you fancy me?" "jeff?" "yes!" "yes, of course i do." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started *" "* and i don't want to wind up * * bein' parted * * broken-hearted * * so if you really love me * * say yes * * and please don't tell me * * perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps *"