"They called him Machete." "$70 a day for yard work." "100 for roofing." "Get in." "125 for septic." "Sewage." "Have you ever killed anyone before?" "As you may know, illegal aliens such as yourself are being forced out of our country at an alarming rate." "for the good of both our people." "Our new senator must die." "And for that I will pay you $150,000... cash." "He was given an offer he couldn't refuse." "I cost the most... 'cause I'm the best there is." "Aah!" "Set up, double-crossed, and left for dead." "I took a vow of peace." "And now you want me to help you kill all these men?" "Yes, bro." "I mean, Padre." "I'll see what I can do." "He knows the score." "Where are my wife and daughter?" "!" "He gets the women." "He's back" "Machete" "And he kills the bad guys." "No!" "Oh, shit." "You mean that a Mexican day laborer is a goddamn Federale?" "!" "But they soon realized..." "He's coming after us." "... they just fucked with the wrong Mexican." " Uhh!" " Action." "Suspense." "Aaaah!" "Emotion." "Please, Father, have mercy." "God has mercy." "I don't." "If you're gonna hire Machete to kill the bad guy, you better make damn sure the bad guy isn't you." "Machete" "Rated "X"." "Brought to you from your friends at The Weinstein Company." "( kitten meows )" "##" "Real pretty tonight, Holly." "God damn it, girls." "If you're gonna do that shit, do it onstage!" "Smokin' hot." "Whew!" "Cherry, darlin', I told you too many fuckin' times-- you can't be up there cryin' and all that shit." "You know what a go-go dance is?" "Useless talent number 12?" "No, it's a happy dance." "You get up there and you dance happy." "It's go-go, not cry-cry." "I'm quitting." "You say that at least one night a week." "I mean it this time." "I need a dramatic change in my life." "I've always said you're funny." "But if you don't stop all that cryin' and shit," "I'm gonna have to fire your fuckin' ass, and I don't want to fire your ass 'cause I like lookin' at your ass." ""Any girl leaving early"" ""must check out with their finger"" ""and have a bye-bye slip."" "Here's my finger." "And here's my bye-bye slip." "MAN:" "We're gonna need some cash." "(Growl)" "Dick." "Fuck!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Ass bag!" "( horn honks )" "Aah!" "( grunting )" "All right, boys." "Come on." "All right, all right." "Come on." "You guys know the drill, huh?" "Wait here, Lieutenant." "I'll handle this." "Hey, Abby." "I can see you've had a spot of trouble, Romey." "Would you like to tell me what happened?" "Well, they--they escaped." "Uh..." "All three?" "Yeah, l" "I don't know, uh" "I don't know how they did it." "Just, they got out" "I'm sorry, Romey, but I just don't trust you anymore." "And you know the rules." "Hold on." "I'm out." "I swear, Abby, I'm--I'm" "You're not gonna see me anymore, okay?" "ABBY:" "Not so fast." "I also want your balls." "I'm really quite attached to them." "ABBY:" "Oh, sweetheart." "I was really attached to my specimens." "Now they're out there in the night doing God knows what." "I can't do it, Abby." "Please." "Please, Abby." "Hey." "Hey!" "What are you guys" "Let me go, you motherfuckers!" "Son of a bitch!" "Abby!" "Listen!" "You don't need Abby!" "There's more!" "There's more!" "I can get you all you want!" "Abby!" "Fuck!" "." "Motherfucking pussies!" "Let me go, you son of a bitch!" "I can get you more!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Aah!" "Aaaaah!" "( blade slices )" "( squish )" "Pick this up, please." "( electronic screeching )" "( beeping )" "( screeching stops )" "Where's the shit?" "The shit's right there." "The deal is still good." "No, it's not." "You held out on me." "Now I want all of it." "( tires screech )" "Uhh!" "( screams )" "( grunting )" "Looks like I got you by the balls, Abby." "You certainly have." "MULDOON:" "So..." "I'll ask you one more time." "Where's... the... shit?" "Everywhere." "( all screaming )" "Oh, balls." "( tires screeching )" "Get that thing away from my pumps!" "It's just overheating." "I need to get to town." "It's just a stripped radiator cap." "Water leaks when it heats up." "No pressure." "You okay?" "I'm just cherry." "Go on and have a seat anywhere." "I'll be right in." "Here, take this with you." "That's your good spring water." "Ain't nothin' good about it." "I bottled it myself." "I get it right there out of the dam." "Thanks..." "J. T." "We're serving inside tonight." "The best barbecue in Texas around the clock." "I gotta go." "Savin' lives, are you?" "Now, how did you know that?" "( starts engine )" "Now, that's a rump roast." "Mmm." "I couldn't get off work this week." "But you only have to stay till 10:00." "(Whispering) A friend of mine will be here before 10:00 to pick up Tony." "TONY:" "I'm going to eat your brains and gain your knowledge." "What did I tell you?" "No playing with toys at the table." " Didn't I tell you that?" " Yeah." "There's a packed suitcase under his bed." "Give it to Tony to take with him when my friend picks him up." "I'll leave him watching TV." "But you need to be here in the next 20 minutes." "Thank you." "Hey, what happened to your tooth?" "Fell out." "Wow." "Think you can say a prayer for your old man?" "No dead bodies for Da-da tonight." "No dead bodies for Da-da tonight." "Amen." "Amen." "Who was that you were talking to?" "Babysitter." "She's on her way." " You believe her?" " No." "Me, neither." " Hey." " Hey." " How's it goin', J. T. ?" " All right." " Still open, I see." " Oh, yeah, all night." "( dog whines )" "Free of charge." "Tonight... is a special night." "What's so special about tonight?" "Been open 25 years." "You're the second person to show up tonight." "Who's the first?" "Right there." "Must be passin' through." "Seems only strangers eat here." "I still eat here, J. T." "Oh, yeah, you sure do." "By the way, don't choke on all that food you're eatin'." "Hello, Palomita." "I don't go by that name anymore." "So, uh... you ever become that-- that fancy doctor?" "Never did." "I thought for sure you would." "Talked about it enough." "That's the problem with goals-- they become the thing you talk about instead of the thing you do." "That's my jacket." "I looked for it for two weeks." "Yeah?" "How long did you look for me, Wray?" "Yeah, well, the jacket belonged to me." "You didn't." "So, um... what are you doing now?" "I'm going to be a standup comedian." "Really?" "You're not funny." "That's what I've been trying to tell everybody, but they all say I'm hysterical." "But you're not." "There's a difference between being frank and being dick." "Yeah, well... it was really good seeing you again." "Oh." "Um... what name do you go by now... in case I want to catch one of your shows?" "Cherry." "Cherry Darling." "Sounds like a stripper." "No, it sounds like a go-go dancer." "There's a difference." "Right." "Well... you'll always be Palomita to me." "I need a ride." "( dog whines )" "What do you say, El Wray?" "I'll give you a ride." "Good-bye, Bill." " Don't you mean "see you later"?" " Of course." "Hey." "What's up, Doc?" "The little lady's lookin' pretty good there, I gotta say." "Looks like she could suck the bend out of a river." "I'm kiddin'." "Heh." " Take a look at that shit." " BILL:" "What happened to your arm?" "Well, uh..." "I got bit." "Bit?" "Bit by what?" "Well, if I told you, you probably wouldn't believe me." "I need some Bactine or something?" "Whew." "Can't you just... sew it up?" "Well, normally I would." "I'd even be doing something to stop the bleeding." "The only problem is this one doesn't bleed." "DR FELIX:" "Oh, shit." "Check this out." "When this was still a military hospital, this one guy came back from Iraq with this." "Whew!" "Chronic herpetic lesions." "When he urinated, it came out through all these little holes here, kind of like a fountain." "Oh, Jesus." "Well, how'd you treat it?" "Fuck that." "I was never in Iraq." "Good for you." "The shit they spread around there you wouldn't believe." "I swear to God." "I've got these Iraqi eyeballs a friend of mine brought back to do some studies on." "Incredible." "They were completely milked over." "Mustard gas-- it does that to your eyes." "Actually, I still have those in my fridge." "Bot fly, do you think?" "DR FELIX:" "Chronic viral ulcerative lesion." "That looks like gout." "He's running a temperature of 105." " Is that bad?" " It's high." "Bad will be 108." "You could have a seizure, go psychotic." "And--and probably die." "Say "ahh. "" " Ahh." " Oh!" "Jesus!" "Oh, nice." "Black abscessed tongue." "All abscesses should be drained, period." "( squishing )" "(muffled) What are you doing?" "Shut up, Joe." "Baby... get the needles." "Be right there." "BILL: ( over speaker ) Right now." "Asshole." "It's spreading." "Holy shit." " When did you say you got this bite?" " Just now." "We gotta lose the arm, Joe." "Lose the arm?" "What do you mean, lose the arm?" "My arm?" "It's spreading all the way up to your shoulder." "Now, if we don't sever that arm now, it's gonna take over your chest, and we can't very well cut that off, can we?" "Well, shouldn't I get a second opinion?" "Hi, Joe." "I'm going to give you a very strong anesthetic, so you won't feel anything during the procedure." "These... ( whispers ) ... are my friends." "My yellow friend..." " ... is just to take the sting off." " Aah!" "My blue friend... you'll barely feel." "That means my yellow friend is already taking effect." "See how fast my friends work?" "( distorted voice) And after my red-headed friend... ( whispers) ... you'll never see me again." "( echoing ) ... see me again, see me again." "They all react differently." "( engine won't start )" "Now what?" "RADIO DJ:" "Dedicated to our own Jungle Julia-- in loving memoy" "It's not the radiator." "Damn it." "( sigh )" "( gasps )" "( distant groaning )" "All right." "Fuckin' thing." "Cheap--whoa." "Damn light." "Ohh." "( car approaching )" "Hey." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Bastard!" "Bastard!" "( breathing heavily )" "( muttering )" "Oh, thank God." "Oh." "Oh." "Hey!" " ( horn honks )" " Hey!" "Hey!" "( tires screech )" "MAN:" "Get outta the fuckin' road, bitch!" "( groaning )" "Ohh!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Please!" "Stop!" "( snarling )" "WOMAN:" "No!" "No!" "( chomping and snarling )" "What the hell was that?" "People picking up road kill." "What, like an armadillo?" "Deer." "You get a lot of them around here." "You know, I read a statistic that said... that the eating of venison has risen 30% in the last few years." "60% of that's from road kill." "People eat road kill?" "If you're driving out here at 70 miles an hour and a deer darts out in front of you, if you blink or brake or swerve-- shit, you'll just kill yourself." "So, what do you do?" "Just pick 'em off... just like this." "Send it flying away from you." "Unacceptable." "Oh, fuck!" "CHERRY:" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Cherry?" "I thought you said if you saw a deer, you shouldn't fucking swerve!" "It wasn't a deer." "( screaming )" "Cherry!" "Cherry!" "No!" "( snarling )" "CHERRY:" "Aah!" "( snarling )" "Palomita." " Don't let her die on me, Block." " What do we got?" "Car accident." "Heavy contusions about the torso, possible spinal trauma... one severed limb." "Where's the leg?" "Three sickos attacked her." "I shot at them." "I never miss." "They took the leg with them." "You'll have to come with us, Wray." "We need to talk about this, you know?" "He has to sign her in." "Do what, now?" "." "Well, he's with her." "He's responsible for her." "He can fill this out after we talk." "Let's go." "What are you doing with a rifle, Wray?" "Nothing." "Just thinking about maybe doing some hunting when the season breaks." "Come on, Wray." "You know you're not supposed to be doing that stuff anymore." "And here I stick my neck out for you." "Now you've got a gal in your wrecked truck with a missing leg?" "A missing leg that's now missing?" "And here you're saying in front of everybody that someone up and snatched it?" "And that you shot at 'em with a gun that you never should've had in the first place?" "And that now they're gone?" "Sheriff, can we finish this conversation somewhere else?" "My thought exactly." "Doctor Block!" "Three fresh ones rollin' in!" "Christ, you're kidding." "PARAMEDIC:" "Automobile accident off of Highway 18." "DOAs?" "Have Andy pick 'em up." "That's unsanitary, Doc." "Helps me monitor my state of calmness." "Yeah, don't get all worked up enough to crack it." "Fuck." "You might cut yourself pretty good." "Then I'd know I was not calm." "Yeah, what do you say now, Doc?" "Somebody call my wife." "( telephone rings )" "Sheriff Hague." "It's J.T., Sheriff." "J.T., how's the barbecue business?" "Ever since that bastard landlord raised the rent, it's gone to shit." "Well, I'm real sorry to hear about that." "I wish there was something I could do." "DC-2?" "Right now I ain't calling' my brother." "I'm callin' the sheriff." "I'm listening." "What's the trouble?" "Well, what about countering with atropine?" "J.T.:" "Well. there ain't no trouble." "Not yet. anyway." "I got two delinquents been hangin' around here for over an hour." "They won't purchase and they won't leave." "Oh, never mind." "Here they come." "You cook that meat at 250 degrees, don't you?" "I don't remember." "I set the heat with my hand." "You give me that recipe, or I'll raise your rent higher than a Georgia pine." "Brother, ain't no Texan's ever gonna give you his barbecue recipe." "That's a fact." "He'll take it to his grave." "I could be bleedin' like a stuck pig." "I ain't gonna tell you." "WRAY:" "Okay." "Gotcha, gotcha." "J.T.:" "I could be dyin' in your arms." "I ain't gonna tell you!" " Heh heh heh." " We'll see about that." "You gonna look." "or you gonna eat?" "You called for me?" "I need for you to see this." "PARAMEDIC:" "Looks like a no-brainer." "BILL:" "What does that mean?" "SECOND PARAMEDIC:" "No brain." "Scoopped clean out of her skull." "DR FELIX:" "Oh, oh, oh!" "I know what this is." "Don't tell me." "Uh..." "liquefactive necrosis." "PARAMEDIC:" "You think?" "DR FELIX:" "Oh, sure, yeah." "Thank you." "That'll be all." "Oh..." "Did you know she was back in town?" "No." "I didn't." "What happened to her?" "I don't know, baby." "I thought you stopped seeing each other." "We have." "Well, yes, you have now-- she's fucking dead." "I mean, we-- we stopped before." "I" "I haven't talked to her in a while." "But you've written each other." "Here and there." "But not" "What are you doing?" "!" "Let me see your last three messages." " You have no right." " I don't?" "I don't have a right?" "Show it to me." "Show it to me." "No." "Aah!" "Now, that's just to take the sting off." "Show it to me." "( crying ) No, please." " Show... it... to... me!" " Aaahh!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "( drops syringe )" "Now let's see how fast your friends work." "( whimpering )" "That's pretty fast." "( beep )" "Oh, what do I know, my love?" "Exactly." "That you're a cheating, lying... sack." "I didn't want to hurt you." "BILL: ( whispers ) But you did." "Bill... you're insane." "And I was afraid... of what you might do to me, to our son." "I'm the mother of your son." "Aah!" "And after this one..." "I'll never see you again." "PARAMEDIC:" "Doc." "What?" "You gotta see this." "I'll be right there." "Where the hell are the bodies?" "That's what we wanted to show you." "They're gone." "They didn't just get up and walk out, did they?" "# Mmm-hmm #" "( breathing heavily )" "( grunting )" "Okay." "Okay." "Shut the fuck up!" "Somebody take care of this perp for me before I fucking kill him!" "What the hell's going on?" "Ah, he was causin' a ruckus over at Skip's place, so I cuffed him, and the son of a bitch bit my goddamn finger off!" "Quit your hollerin' and get yourself a goddamn Band-Aid." "I'm not exaggerating, using colorful speech, Sheriff." "He bit my finger clean off!" "Fucking shit!" "Get out there and book him, 'cause I'll fuckin' kill him if I have to do it." "Carlos, go get him." "Wray, you stay put." "Are you sure he's in there?" "He was." "Motherfucker." "( dramatic music )" "He's gone." "Broke out the window." "Where's my finger?" "Found your ring." "Could it be the same guy as your leg-snatcher?" "WRAY:" "I didn't get a good look at mine." "( snarling )" "That him over there?" "( carlos screaming )" "( snarling )" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Aah!" " Wray?" " ( man screaming )" "( snarling )" "Fuck." "( grunts )" "You motherfucker!" "Uhh!" "( growling )" "( screaming )" "( snarls )" " No, don't touch him!" " Why not?" "He's infected." "With what?" "Everything." "Wray!" "Drop the fuckin' gun." "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" "!" "I'm gonna go get Cherry!" "Fine." "But we're taking my car." "I'm riding with you." "Don't make any sudden moves." "Viral infections." "They came pouring in." "Some are rapidly developing coliform lesions." "Highly contagious." "What do you think?" "Self-preservation comes to mind." "Yeah." "Let's get the hell out of here." "First let me get my wife." "( saw buzzing )" "( grunting )" "( grunting )" "( Bill screaming )" "( grunting )" "I love you, sweetie." "There you go, bunny rabbit." "Come on, come on." "Open up, now." "I want you to be around for a while, you understand?" "We don't want you checkin' out right this" "God... damn." "Ramona." "You been farting' like a goddamn pack mule since I met" "God damn!" "SHERIFF HAGUE:" "I hate to do this to you Earl." "but we need evey man on the job!" "The shit has hit the fan!" "Bring some guns... and ammo!" "Meet me at my brother's!" "I gotcha." "I'll be there." "Gotta eat quick, sweetie." "Come on." "Ramona." "( snarling )" "Ramona." "Aah!" "( grunting )" "Uhh!" "Aaaah!" "Oh, my God." "( grunting )" "( explosion )" "( engine starts )" "( explosion, man screaming )" "( overlapping shouts )" "What the hell is goin' on?" "( explosions and screams )" "Are you gonna give me a gun?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "( screaming )" "( screams )" "( screaming )" "Uhh!" "Palomita?" "( gasps )" "Get up." "We're leaving." "I can't walk." "So what?" "Get up!" " Get" " Aah!" "Uhh!" "Motherfucker." "Look at me!" "Look at me!" "I was gonna be a standup comedian." "But who's gonna laugh now?" "Some of their best jokes are about cripples." "Let's go." "( crying ) It's not funny." "It's pathetic." "Would you stop cryin' over fuckin'... spilled milk?" "I have no leg!" "( thud, squish )" "( grunts )" "Now you do." "What do you think?" "You could carry me, Wray." "Yeah?" "You never wanted that before." "Why start now?" "Ah-ah!" "Uhh!" "Ahh!" "Uhh!" "This is fucking ridiculous." "( snarling )" "The sheriff must've taken the others to J. T's." "Get in." "( grunting )" "God damn it, wait for me." "My leg's stuck in the door!" " It's just wood." " It's splintering." "Will you just leave it alone?" "Why is this happening to me?" "I don't know." "Just-- just do me a favor right now and just... stay strong." ""Stay"?" "Yeah, baby." "Stay." "Okay, my name is Electra." "Fucking listen." "My name is Electra." "Her name is Electra, too." "( speaking spanish )" "It's furry." "( speaking spanish )" "No." "He's a furry one." "She goes by Lia, I go by El." "El from "Electra", Ame from "Amelia"." "Does that make any fucking sense in your head?" "You can call me whatever the fuck you want--I don't give a shit." "( doorbell rings, knock on door )" "Oye. chica." " You said 10:00!" " I'm sorry." "We can't be watching your kid all goddamn night!" "Your friend never showed up, and we got shit to do!" "That's right." "Then start doing it." "Oh!" "Uhh!" "Tony!" "We're leaving!" "Wait, my tarantula." "Bring it." "Let's go." "And my turtle." "And my scorpion." "We're not all octopuses." "We can't carry everything." ""Octopi."" "Ohh... come on, let's go." "Tony, what did I tell you?" "You can't bring them all." "Didn't I tell you that?" "It's okay." "They can live in the same tank." "What about my pocket bike?" "It's in the trunk." "Aah!" "Where do you think you're going, you fucking bitch?" "!" "( gasps )" "We're gonna fuckin' kill you!" "( shouts )" "( both shouting at once )" "Are you sure you want to do this?" "( clatters )" "SHERIFF HAGUE:" "Everybody grab a badge and a gun." "You're all deputies as of this moment forward." "Except for you, Wray." "Yo." "What do we got?" "Something's wrong up there." "J.T. always comes out and greets." "Let's go." "Try not to shoot yourselves." "Don't shoot each other." "But especially... don't shoot me." "( grunts )" "J.T.?" "Go on!" "Get off him, Rusty!" "( dog whines )" "God damn, J.T." "Yah!" "( grunting )" " ( sigh ) - (J.T. chuckles )" "Barbecue?" "Asshole." "Damn good sausage link, J.T." "Best in Texas." "Must've passed out after I killed those things." "Nice shootin'." "Everybody gather up supplies." "We head out in 20!" "( horn honking )" "( honking )" "( honking )" "I want you to open that for Mommy." "Now, take the gun." "Careful." "And if anyone comes to the door that isn't me," "I want you to shoot them, okay?" "I'm not kidding, Tony." "You shoot them... just like your video games." "You shoot them in the head." "What if it's Dad?" "Especially if it's your dad." "( gasps )" "And be careful where you point that thing." "You'll blow your own face off." "I'll be right back." "I love you." "( kiss )" "( kiss )" "( gunshot )" "( screaming )" "Tony!" "Aah!" "Hello, baby." "( rip )" "Ohh!" "( snarling )" "Stay away!" "Look what you did to our son!" "Stay away!" "God damn it, I told you I didn't want to see you again." "Daddy!" "( snarling )" "Get your sorry ass in here!" "Aah!" "If it's escape vehicles you want, escape vehicles I got." "Right this way." "Watch that meat." "Meet my wife." "( chuckles )" "Jesse James Custom Dominator." "I made Jesse a plate of barbecue so goddamn good, he made this baby for me free of fuckin' charge." "Heh heh heh." "Got anything that could transport more people?" "Where's the top?" "This baby's chopped permanent." "Ain't got no roll bar, chicken wire, none of that shit." " No protection." " But she's fast." "Nitrous-injected, 350-horsepower engine." "Who are you?" "I mean, really." "Wray's Wreckage." "That's what it says on your truck." "Are you a wrecker, Wray?" "I'm nobody." "It's the easiest thing to remember." "So remember it." "J.T:" "Just stack 'em on top of the counter." "Hey, you want some barbecue?" "Heh heh heh." "Best in Texas." "Aw, no, thanks." "What's the matter, you don't eat meat?" "Oh, I eat meat." "I also eat lots of shit." "You see this?" "What's that?" "Shit-eating grin." "( laughs )" "You ought to be a comedian." "( laughs )" "What do you think of the leg?" "Oh, that's funny." "( laughs )" "How's your stump?" "They knocked it out something fierce." "Still can't feel a thing." "This must be the real Bone Shack." "( sighs, waterbed sloshes )" "Old J. T. knows how to live." "Like fuck he does." "I like how you say "fuck"." "Good." "Fuck you." "Fuck me?" "Oh, so, now you're the comedian." "Go ahead, drop your pants." "That'll be good for a laugh." "I highly doubt that." "That's my jacket." "Yes, I know." "I looked for it for two weeks." "Look, you were being an unbelievable dick." "I was walking out on you." "I was cold." "I took your fucking jacket." "So, if you're gonna go on one of your psycho obsessive controlling rants about a fucking jacket, then fucking take it, 'cause I'd rather fucking freeze than fucking hear about it one more time." "Did you find what was in the pocket?" "Fuck no." "Look for it." "No, the other one." "I was gonna give it to you, but you left me." "You took the jacket." "( together ) And I looked for it for two weeks." "Read it." ""Two against the world. "" "Remember that?" "I never forgot it." "Then why'd you leave?" "Because you didn't believe in us, or in me." "( moans )" "( whirring and clicking )" "( film slows down )" "( snarling )" "( grunting )" "I figured one of them new deputies might end up shooting' me, but not you, Tolo!" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." " Dumbass." " You're gonna be all right." " McGraw's here." " WOMAN:" "Now, now, now." " And a whole bunch of others." " Everybody in!" "Come on!" "Over here." "Move your ass!" "Come on!" "( speaking spanish )" "( groans )" "( groans )" "What did I tell you, Tony?" "Don't point the gun at yourself." "Didn't I tell you that?" "Thank you for telling me about... you know." "Don't mention it." "That's an order." "If I had known that you were..." "El Wray..." "I wouldn't have given you such a hard time." "I didn't mean to be a prick about it." "Need-to-know basis, that kind of shit." "Take this." "Do what you do best." "No, you're not!" "Don't give him the gun." "Not" "Give him the gun, Tolo." "( Sheriff Hague grunting )" "Give him the gun." "Give him all the guns." "( rock music playing )" "Holy shit." "That boy's got the devil in him." "We gotta fight them off." "Get to our vehicles." "Everyone behind me!" "( snarling )" "( screaming )" "( snarling )" "Outside now!" "( speaking spanish )" "God damn you!" "( snarling )" "Everybody back inside!" "You, Skip." "Front and center." "You go out front, start up the Kill Dozer." "We'll need it to transport the other survivors." "You fuckin' crazy?" "I'm not goin' out there." " I'll cover you." " I'm not goin'." "I never miss." "Come on, Skip." "It's go-go." "Not cry-cry." "Cherry!" "( snarling )" "Oh, dear." "( growling )" " ( grunting )" " Ah!" "( growling )" "Aah!" "J. T. !" "You take whoever you can fit in your convertible." "Everyone else on board!" "Skip, grab the twins!" "Come along with me!" "You take the chopper." "I need someone else to drive my truck!" "I'll do it." "You're bleedin' like a stuck pig." "Your vision's blurred and you're on your last legs." "Anything else?" "Don't wreck it." "Somebody grab the slaw!" "You can't have no barbecue without coleslaw!" " Give me a gun." " Take this." "Fucking cool!" "All right, y'all, head out." "I'll hold 'em off." "I can take care of myself." "Bye, Daddy." "Do you remember how to ride a bike?" "Useless talent number 32." "( revs engine )" "Good." "Anyone else have a car?" "Now, you're sure you're okay driving this thing?" "Hell yeah." "Dakota..." "we're sorry about Tony." "Thanks." "Your engine is shot and you've got three blown tires." "But I've got his pocket bike in the trunk." "Is it fast?" "Zero to fifty in four seconds." "You ride with her." "I'm Cherry." "You sure are." "Move out!" "Damn shame." "( growling )" "( shrieks)" "( grunts )" " ( barks )" " Rusty!" " ( yelps )" " Aah!" "God damn it!" "Aah!" "( growling )" "( snarling )" "Sheriff!" "How much ammo we got?" "Not enough." "( machine gun fire, growling )" "Don't shoot!" "We're not infected!" "MULDOON:" "All survivors gotta come with us." "Especially you..." "El Wray." "I don't go by that name anymore." "( Cherry screams )" "( grunts )" "It's okay." "It's okay." "We're here in quarantine with the other survivors." "( man coughing )" "Where is here?" "CHERRY:" "The old army base." "El Wray?" "That you?" "He's with them." "I saw him in their convoy earlier." "I'm a scientist... and a businessman." "Not military." "Which is why he's gonna tell us what the fuck is going on." "They're stealing biochemical weapons." "DC-2?" "Also known as "Project Terror. "" "Designed to take out an entire populace in a controlled landlocked area." "You were supplying it to them." " That's why they shut you out." " They found my supply." "It's under our feet." "Ten stories down." "The only treatment is a regimented exposure to DC-2 itself." "It delays the negative effects." "They need it... like a drug." "Correct." "But we found that a small percentage of people are not affected by the gas itself, and within this small percentage lies a cure." "What do you want to do?" "Mexico." "Put our backs against the ocean and defend ourselves from there." "No." "We have to get back to my lab." "This infection will spread all over the world, to every man, woman and child, unless I finish my antidote." "You have an antidote?" "( door opens )" "You!" "You!" "Come with us." "Move it!" "Move it, Peggy!" "Uhh!" "( muffled ) Do you like Ava Gardner?" "I'm sorry?" "Ava Gardner." "Do you like her?" "Yeah, I guess." "I was just thinking that you, uh... kind of look like Ava Gardner a little bit." "( elevator stops )" "You got something you want to say to me?" "I have nothing to say to you." "You got nothing to say, huh?" "That's funny." "'Cause I could've swore you just gave me a "fuck you" look right now." "You want to say "fuck you" to me?" "Not at this moment." "You know what this is?" "A gun." "It's simplicity itself." "You see, you point it at what you want to die... and you pull the little trigger here... and a little bullet comes out of here." "And the little bullet hits you right there." "And you know what?" "You don't look like Ava Gardner no more." "( holsters gun )" "Don't taunt me, tramp." "I am not one to be taunted." "You got it?" "Let me here you say, "l got it. "" "I got it." "You damn well better." "( elevator starts up )" "Tool." "( saxaphone playing )" "J.T.: ( whispering ) God damn it, that's it." "I figured it out." "Salt." "Got it all figured out." "It's salt." "Blood is salty." "That's all my sauce needed, was just a little more salt." "It just needed a little thickening agent." "You know what I'm talkin' about?" "What are you doing, J. T. ?" "That's all I gotta do, is put a little more salt in." "It'd just do the same goddamn thing that the blood did." "I tell you what, brother, that little bit of blood did the trick." "Don't do nothin' stupid, J. T. I got it covered." "It's already got my sweat, it's got my tears." "Now all it needs is some blood!" " Drop the gun!" " J.T.!" "( grunting )" " Do it now!" " Okay, okay!" "Don't shoot!" "J.T., you all right?" "( J.T. grunts )" "Uhh!" "Hey, you all right, bro?" "J.T.:" "God damn it, I'm not all right at all, brother." "Not at all." "Wait here." "Oh..." "I sure will." "( chuckles )" "Goddamn sauce." "NARRATOR: "Women in Cages"." "See them in action." "See them in love." "See them in terror." "White skin on the black market." "Soft flesh for hard cash." ""Women in Cages."" "I'm gonna go get my dick wet." "She's got one leg." "Easier access." "You got a point." "Get the rest of this shit upstairs and we'll blow this entire floor." "Yes, sir." "( beeps )" "( alarm blaring )" "( machine clicking )" "Get Lewis down here." "He's getting his dick wet, sir." "Get him the fuck down here now!" "( grunts )" "Lewis?" "Wilson?" "( machines power down )" "Where are my men?" "I've got several right here." "( bag sloshes )" "What the fuck's this?" "Their balls, sweetheart." "I'm walking out of here with this shit, Wray." " Let us go." " Tell me why we should." "Because I earned it." "How do you figure that?" "You want the story?" "I'll spin it for you quick." "A termite's nest of caves on the Afghan border, me and my men walking around with our dicks in our hands and our balls in our throats, lookin' for America's most wanted." " Bin Laden." " Yeah." "For once, our intel was right on the money." "I come around a corner-- bam, there he is, lookin' me right in the eyes." "Wait." "You killed bin Laden?" "I put two in his heart, one in his computer." "So that was you." "Yeah." "That was me." "Class-A clusterfuck." "He wasn't supposed to be there, we weren't supposed to be there, and I sure as fuck wasn't supposed to be the one to punch his dialysis ticket." "So, instead of a chest full of medals, we get a face full of DC-2." "No cure." "That is, not until we found somebody from the other side willing to sell us batches of this shit." "Science comes first, but business comes a close fucking second." "WRAY:" "Then you realized if you could infect a large enough populace, the experiment and its survivors, you'd find a cure." "I swore to my men that I'd do everything in my power to keep them alive." "And that's what I intend to do, Wray." "( Muldoon groaning, skin bubbling )" "Understand?" "I never had a choice." "( snarling )" "Neither do I, sir." "God bless you and your service to this country." "( snarls )" "You're a doctor?" "Heh." "I was earlier tonight." "I always wanted to be a doctor." "Instead, I can do... this." "Ohh." "Useless talent number 66." "I'm very pliable." "DAKOTA:" "A girlfriend of mine had a theory." "She said at some point in your life, you find a use for every useless talent you ever had." "It's like, uh, connecting the dots." "I'm not that optimistic." "I feel like I'm sinking down the drain and I can't get out." "She'd say... when you're stuck in that spiral... you reach up." "What if there's nothing up there?" "Just reach up." "You're a dancer." "I was earlier tonight." "Well, I'm pulling you out of retirement!" "( grunting )" "Get your ass up!" "Now, I'm starved for entertainment, baby, and that means you." "Radio!" "Wail, baby, now!" "# Goin' to a party... #" "That's-- ( chuckles )" "That's what I'm talkin' about." "Dance it up." "Keep dancing!" "# 'Cause now." "I'm jaded... #" "I have seen me some crazy ass shit in my day... but ain't never seen me a one-legged stripper." "I have seen me a stripper with one breast, and I've seen me a stripper with 12 toes, and I've seen me a stripper with no brains at all, but I ain't never seen me a one-legged stripper." "And I've been to Morocco." "Dance, bitch!" "Break a leg!" "Break it off!" "Ha ha!" "( gasps )" "Dance for me, motherfucker." " Uhh!" " Aaaaah!" "Aah!" "Ohhhh!" "( grunting )" "You thought it was pretty funny, didn't you?" "Actually, yes." "You gave me some wood, now I'm gonna give you... some fuckin' wood!" "Ah--ah!" "( dramatic music playing )" "( gasps )" "Ahh!" "The gas!" "You need your gas!" "No!" "Fuck the gas, fuck it." "I'm just gonna have to make this quick." "( grunting )" "( laughing )" "Aah!" "Uhh!" "Where'd you get that?" "Useless talent number 37." "Aaaaah!" "( knuckles crack )" "( groaning )" "( banging )" "Uhh!" "Uhh!" "I broke my leg." "That's okay." "I made you something." "( clang )" "I do believe in you." "Always have." "I believe that you could be better." "You deserve better, even better than me." "Right now," "I need you to become... who you're meant to be." "Stand." "( grunting )" "I'd stand clear if I were you." "( grunting )" "Open that door, will you, baby?" "Uhh!" "( music playing on radio )" "( music stops )" "They've destroyed most of the tanks." "Any that are left we'll get on our way to the helicopters." "There are two helicopters, big enough to take all of us." "Who can fly?" "Can anyone else fly a helicopter?" "I can fly, but... no way in hell I'm gonna fly tonight." "Okay." "Cool." "I'll fly." "Let's go." "I think we're gonna stay here, Wray." "You'll take care of this for me, then, Sheriff?" "With pleasure." "Three minutes." "Your brother's a good man, J.T." "Best in Texas." "Hop on." "No, the other way." "Oh." "No." "The other way." "( tires screech )" "( blows )" "The helicopters are on the other side of this wall." "( overlapping chatter )" "We make a run for it!" "No!" "If we all get killed, there's no stopping this plague." "Don't you get it?" "We're the antidote." "Well, is there another way around?" "Wait here." "( weapon fires )" "( weapon fires )" "I don't suppose there are any other biochemical engineers around?" "Heh." "Take that as a no." "We have to get over that wall!" "I was thinkin' we could build us a new place, right there where the old one was." "You cook," "I work the back." "You don't make that rent so goddamn high." "We share the recipe, we share the rent." "Start at 250 degrees." "I knew it." "For how long?" " 12 pounds?" " Sure." "12 pounds, 12 hours." "Wrapped in tin foil, right?" "I don't use no goddamn foil." "Damn." "Tomatoes?" "Fresh?" "Canned." " No shit?" " Yeah." "You score me some?" "Oh, yeah." "'Cause we're brothers." "Thank you for this." "You just remember... you got to take this recipe to your grave." "( straining ) I think I can..." "goddamn guarantee that." "( laughing )" "( growling )" "That's our cue." "Cherry, darling... it's all you." "( rock music playing )" "( grunting )" "Let's go!" "( snarling )" "( snarling )" "( grunting )" "Aah!" "Wray!" "Damn it, Wray." "Ohh." "Okay." "You need to get up 'cause we're leaving." "They told me I'd find you here." "I was beginning to lose hope." "I'm sorry... but I lied." "I did want to hurt you." "My turn." "( grunting )" "No more dead bodies for Daddy tonight." "Never did like that son of a bitch." "About as useless as a pecker on a pope." "Don't touch anything." "I want to fly it." " He said not to touch anything!" " You don't know what you're doing!" " I do know what I'm doing!" " No, you don't!" " Shut up!" "Shut up!" " Shut up, sit down... and don't fuckin' touch anything!" "( groaning )" "Everybody sit down!" "Whoo!" "( snarling )" "Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi R-r-r-r-rah -ha!" "( all grunting )" "Hit the wipers." "Go on, leave me." "I am not leaving you here like this." "Motherfuckers around here eat road kill." "( laughing )" "See?" "I'm funny." "I made you laugh." "Go to the ocean." "Put your backs to it." "Protect yourselves there." "I'm not leaving you, Wray." "( crying ) It's two against the world." "It will be." "I promise." "I never miss." "Don't worry, baby." "You'll find your way." "( cries, mutters )" "( grunts )" "( Cherry sobbing )" "( helicopter hovering overhead )" "Reach up!" "DAKOTA:" "Reach up!" "( crying )" "##" "( woman singing )" "CHERRY:" "It's like you said it would be, Wray." "I'm like you said I would be." "I find the lost... the weary... those that have no hope." "I find them and I lead them... to a land we've made for ourselves." "The land by the sea." "( snarling )" "( neighs )" "( horse nickers )" "( woman singing )" "It's beautiful." "She's beautiful." "I wish you could see us, us two." "It's like you said it would be." "Two against the world, baby." "Two against the world." "This film is a brilliant achievement in motion picture history." "Finally, the truth about Hitler's diabolical plans to create a race of superwomen can be told." "'Werewolf Women of the SS'" "Welcome to Death Camp 13." "Home of the Nazis' diabolical plan." "To create an army of super werewolf soldiers." "This is projected." "Its failure will be your demise  and the end of Germany, Borman." "Hail, Hitler!" "You have been chosen." "( laughing )" "Rejoice." "( screaming )" "I have found the perfect solution." "The She-Devils of Belzac." "Can they alone supply the blood needed to save Hitler's mad dreams?" "( screaming )" "Or with the pride of Germany fall into ruin?" "This is my project." "We are now in total control of "Pure Wolf"." "This is an outrage!" "( cheering )" "( gun shots)" "Highlights!" "Featuring Udo Kier" "Sheri Moon Zombie" "Tom Towles" "Sybil Danning" "Bill Moseley" "And Nicolas Cage... as ..." "Fu Manchu." "This is my Mecca!" "( laughing )" "'Werewolf Women of the SS'" "Written and Directed by Rob Zombie" "If you.." "are thinking of going into this house" "( snarls )" "( screams )" "DON'T" "If you   are thinking ... of opening ... this door." "DON'T" "If you  are thinking ... of checking out ... the basement." "(evil laughing )" "DON'T" "Don't look behind." "Don't look in there." "Don't look up." "Don't look anywhere." "Don't scream for help." "Don't move about." "Don't even breathe." "DON'T" "DON'T" "DON'T" "DON'T" "DON'T..." "DON'T" "DON'T..." "DON'T" "DON'T..." "DON'T" "DON'T..." "DON'T" "DON'T..." "DON'T" "DON'T..." "DON'T..." "DON'T..." "DON'T..." "DON'T!" "If you are thinking of seeing this film alone." "DON'T" ""Don't"" "( whistling )" "This holiday season, prepare to have the stuffing scared out of you." "Aaaah!" "'Thanksgiving'" "In the town of Plymouth, Massachusetts" "The 4th Thursday in November is the most celebrated day in the year." "The table is set." "The festivities have begun." "But one uninvited guest has arrive." "And this year there will be  no leftovers." "( screaming )" "( yelling )" "'Thanksgiving'" "( giggling )" "White meat." "Dark meat." "All will be carved." "Aaaah!" "'Thanksgiving'" "Come on Judy." "How about it?" "Happy Thanksgiving, baby." "Aah!" "( slurping )" "Aaaah!" "'Thanksgiving'" "Cool it, Judy." "We're safe." "Bobby's here." "( kissing )" "Aaaah!" "It's blood." "Son of a bitch." "Arrive hungry." "Happy Thanksgiving, Grandma." "leave stuffed." "( gasps, yelling )" "From director Eli Roth." "'Thanksgiving'" "You'll come home for the holidays" "In a body bag." "This February." "##" "Get more out of life." "Go out to a movie." "##" "( monkey chatters )" "( lion roars )" "( jungle animal sounds continue )" "( thunder booms )" "( lioness grunts )" "( car engine revving )" "( car speeds away )" "##" "( film projector running )" "( car speeds by )" "( tires screech )" "( car horn honks )" "BUTTERFLY:" "Hold on, I gotta come up!" "I've gotta take the world's biggest fucking piss." "JUNGLE JULIA:" "We can't be late!" "We won't!" "Who's... who's holding?" "If you 're not, then nobody." "We were kind of hoping you were." " Yeah." "How are you not holding?" " Jesus Christ, Shanna." "It is not my fucking job to supply y'all with weed when we go out." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little lady." "You 're gettin' angry kind of quick, don't you think?" "I was just teasin' you!" "I'm not angry." "It just would be nice if y'all didn't just count on me all the fucking time and surprise me every once in a while with pot." "Okay, mean girl in a high school movie." "Are you through having a tantrum?" "I'm not having a tantrum." "Come on, don't fight." "I'll pay for it when we get some." "One, it is not about the money." "It is about the pain in the ass of scoring." "And two, we're not really fighting." "Arlene, you 've forgotten what hanging out with Jungle Julia is like." "That wasn't a fight." "That was Julia acting like a grumpy bitch and me calling her on it and indulging her at the same time." "Oh!" "Billboard!" "( girls cheer )" "Okay, is Christian Simonson gonna be there?" "You bet your ass he is..." "Christian Simonson, the filmmaker, is in town." "He's got a big thing for Julia." "If he had a big thing for me, he'd fucking call me, as opposed to disappearing for six months, and he'd get his ass down here more often than he does." "And on my birthday he'd give me a fucking phone call." "But other than that he's putty in my hands." "So what's the plan, man?" "Margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's, touch base with Chris and Jesse, tell them about later, and make damn sure they come." "Those other guys'll be waiting for us at the Texas Chili Parlor." "Oh, shit." "Speaking of which... what happened with you and Nate last night?" "Well, you know, not much." "We just fucking met each other." "If you don't bust their balls a little bit, they're never gonna respect you." "Okay, we're pretty clear on what it is you didn't do." "How about enlightening us on what it is you did do?" "Oh, nothing to write home about." "We just made out on the couch for about 20 minutes." "Dressed, half-dressed, or naked?" "Dressed." "I said we made out." "We didn't do "the thing. "" "Oh, excuse me for living, but what is "the thing"?" "You know, it's everything but." "They call that "the thing"?" "I call it "the thing. "" "Do guys like "the thing"?" "They like it better than "no thing. "" "Okay, I wanna get back to what it is you did do." "So you 're making out on the couch with Nate, right?" "Correct." "Whose couch?" "His or the one in your hotel room?" "What am I, stupid over here?" "Mine." "Were you making out sitting up or lying down?" "We started sitting up, we worked our way to lying down." "Hmm." "The plot thickens." "Who was on top?" "I was straddling him." " So what about tonight?" " Well, we'll see, Shanna." "I mean I like Nate." "He's cute, he's a pretty good kisser." "But it ain't a done deal." "Yeah, fuck Nate." "I mean, he's cute and all, but Jesse Letterman is gonna be all over her." "Jessie Letterman the Austin director who did "Potheads"?" "He's a good friend." "Maybe they can bring some pot." "Fuck that." "No." "I don't wanna be either A, depending on their fucking ass, or B, depending on their ass." "Uh-uh." "If we don't score ourselves, we're gonna be stuck with them all fucking night." "Ooh!" "Try Lanna-Frank." "Best idea you had all day." "Oh, hey!" "That's your last billboard before Guero's!" "Oh, come on, give me a break." "Oh, come on, my ass!" "We said every time." "Okay." "( girls cheer )" "##" "BUTTERFLY:" "Jules, let me get a drag." "Thanks." "( people chattering )" "( car engine stuttering )" "( car engine revs )" "( revving )" "( tires screech )" "( car speeds away )" "( people giggling, chattering )" "GIRL:" "Oh, my God." "Hey, this is..." "and I's U.T. days, Arlene." "MARCY, BUTTERFLY:" "Hey." " You wanna join us?" " For a second, but I'm with some friends." "Ooh..." "So, you must be-- must be" "So, you must be the infamous Butterfly." "SHANNA, JUNGLE JULIA:" "Shh!" "She don't know nothing about it." " Know about what?" " When were y'all gonna tell her?" " Soon." " Tell me what?" "Yeah, now thanks to you, we've gotta tell her sooner than later." "All right, cut the shit." "What the fuck is going on?" "I said a little something-something about you on the air today." "Julia, what the fuck did you say about me on the radio?" "All I said was I had a sexy friend named Butterfly who was in from out-of-town for the weekend, and we would be going out somewhere in Austin tonight, and if they were out on the town, maybe they'd see us." "And I described you, and I said that if they spotted you while we were out, if they'd do something, you 'd do something." "Okay, now, Julia, I'm serious." "What did you say and what did you say I'd do?" "Anywho, I could explain what I said, which would be boring, or Marcy over here, who is an incredible actress, could act it out for you, which I think will give you a better idea what you have in store for you tonight." "Okay, so just tell me your way." " So we'll act it out with Marcy?" " Sure." "Okay, give Marcy your drink." "( slides drink )" "Okay, so you 're in a club or a bar, and Marcy's a kind of cute or kind of hot or kind of sexy or better be fucking hysterically funny, but not-funny-looking guy who you could fuck." "Got it." "Okay, Marcy, take it." "( chuckles )" "( in southern accent ) Howdy." "( sighs ) Hi, there." "( chuckles ) Excuse me, but... your name wouldn't be "Butterfly, " would it?" "Yes, it is, and it seems you have me at a disadvantage." "Barry." "Pleased to meet you, Barry." "Y'all are gettin' me hot!" "Shh!" "So is, uh..." ""Butterfly" your real name?" "Yes, it is." "And how'd you know my name, Barry?" "I listened to Jungle Julia's show this mornin'." "Oh, you did, did you?" "Oh, yeah, I listen to her show every morning." "Oh, you do, do you?" "Yeah, she's like the coolest lady in town." "Don't you think she's got a big ass?" "Nah, man!" "I like her ass that way." "She got a black girl's ass." "( chuckles ) Well, that's what she always says, but in actual fact, she doesn't really have a black girl's ass." "She's got a 'big' ass." "Okay, what the fuck are you doing?" "Look who wants to get to the point all of a sudden." "Okay, we'll get to the point, but for your information, skinny bitch, black men and a whole lot of motherfuckin' white men have had plenty of fun adoring my ass." "I don't wear their teeth marks on my butt for nothing." "If you 're not gonna buy me a drink, can I have mine back?" "( normal voice ) No, okay, okay, okay, okay." "( southern accent ) So, Butterfly... can I buy you a drink?" "I'd love one." "What can I get ya?" "I'll take a margarita." "( chuckles )" "Here ya go." "So, after they buy you a drink when they raise their glass to toast, they look you dead in the eye and repeat this poem" ""The woods are lovely, dark and deep" "And I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. "" "Did you hear me, Butterfly?" ""Miles to go before you sleep. "" "And then, if they say that... you gotta give 'em a lap dance." " BUTTERFLY:" "What?" " ( laughs )" "If they call you "Butterfly, " buy you a drink, repeat that poem, you gotta give 'em a lap dance." "That's bullshit." "I ain't giving them nothin'." "Well, you can do it or not, but if you don't, everybody in Austin is gonna think you a chicken shit." "And I don't think you want everybody in Austin thinking you 're a chicken shit." "I ain't giving nobody no lap dance 'cause of what you said." "Look." "You don't have to do it for anybody you don't want." "I said you 'd do it for the first guy who says it." "So, some geek comes over trying to be cool, just tell him you already did it at another place earlier." "No harm, no foul, but you get a free drink out of it." "But maybe a little later in the evening, you 've had a few drinks, you 're kind of loosey-goosey, you 're safe with your girls, then some kind of cute, kind of hot, kind of sexy," "hysterically funny, but not-funny-looking guy comes up and says it... then maybe you did it earlier, maybe you didn't." "##" "# Baby #" "( chattering in spanish )" "# It doesn 't matter what they say #" "# I know I' m gonna love you any old way #" "# What can I do without you?" "#" "# Don 't want nobody. nobody #" "# Baby, it's you #" "# Baby, it's you #" "# Don 't leave me alone #" "# Come on home #" "# Baby, it's you #" "( cheering )" "# Baby, it's you... #" "Any dead soldiers here?" "Uh, these two." "Thank you." "Where the hell is Lanna-Frank?" "That's a good fucking question." "( laughs )" "( laughs quietly )" "Lanna-Frank!" "Where are you?" "Well, come over already." "We're waiting for you." " ##" " Shit!" "Hold on!" "So, where are you?" "Come over already." "We're waiting for you." "No." "We're not coming over there." "You come over here like you said you would." "So, is it Shauna and the girls at the lake house this weekend?" " Shauna?" " Oh, fuck. I..." "No." "Now, there is one thing that every girl in the whole world whose name is Shanna has in common with each other." "We all hate the name "Shauna, "" "and we really hate it when people call us "Shauna. "" "Just remember... it's "Shanna Banana, " not "Shauna Banauna. "" "Okay, but at some point in the evening, I had fuckability stock." " Yeah, I mean, it wasn't bullish, but..." " ( cell phone beeps )" "( beeps )" "##" "Okay..." "Warren's sending over shots, and you know the house rules." "If he sends over shots, you gotta do them." " What?" " Hey, them's the rules, baby." " Warren says it, we do it!" " WARREN:" "I love that philosophy!" ""Warren says it, we do it. "" "So let's do it!" "What is it?" "Hey, shot first, questions later." "Here we go." "Post time!" "WARREN:" "Mmm!" "( glasses slamming down, cheering )" "Whoo-hoo!" "( cheering, groaning )" "Now, is that a tasty beverage or is that a tasty beverage?" "What the fuck is it?" "!" "Chartreuse." "The only liquor so good they named a color after it." "( all laughing )" "Who's down for 'dos' Chartreuse?" " ( cheering )" " Not me." "I'm going out for a smoke." "Okay, but careful where you keep that hot flame, all right?" "WARREN:" "You 'll blow up the joint." "##" "OMAR:" "Drinks." "What can we get you?" "Shanna Banana?" "Another big-ass Long Island iced tea." "Bombay Sapphire and tonic with no ice." "Good boy." "( laughs )" "( music continues inside )" "Oh, hey, Punky." "Uh, one of the lights is off in the parking lot." "Flip it." "( record player clanks )" "##" "# It was early. early one morning #" "# When I heard my bulldog bark #" "# It was Staggolee and Billy Lyons #" "# Squabblin ' in the dark... #" "Now, look, you can't look like you 're trying to get her out of here before Christian Simonson shows up, but you 've got to get her out of here before Christian Simonson shows up." "Yeah, but what's the point?" "They're going to Shanna's daddy's house at Lake L.B.J., and it's no guys." "Absolutely no guys." "Okay." "So after we bring the girls' drinks, in fairly rapid order, but not obvious, we order two more rounds of shots." "( chuckling ) You think they're gonna fall for that?" "We'll be very convincing." "Now it's time to turn up the volume." "No more fucking around." "We go to Jäger shots." "( chuckling ) Man, they're not gonna drink Jäger shots." "Dude, as long as a guy's buying the booze, a fucking bitch will drink anything." "Come on, dude, we can at least get one shot of Jäger down these fucking bitches' throats." "After that, we'll see if they get another Jäger shot in them." "You never know." "That could be the shot that puts them past the point of "fuck it. "" "Then all of a sudden "no guys at the lake house"" "turns into a couple of guys at the lake house." "My point exactly." "( chuckles )" "Dude, check it out." "I wonder if B.J. brought the bear with him." "Jesus." "( twangs song )" "Dude fucking cut himself falling out of his time machine." "( laughs )" "# Well, the last time he shot him # # caused Billy Lyons to die. #" "# Staggolee told Mrs. Billy: #" "# "You don't believe your man is dead?" "#" "( girls chattering )" "# Come on into the barroom, #" "# See the hole I shot in his head #" "( Shanna singing )" "# The high sheriff told the deputy #" "# Get your pistols and come with me #" "# We got to go arrest a bad man #" "# Known as Staggolee... #" "# The deputies took their ... #" "JUNGLE JULIA:" "And where did you two disappear to?" "I had to get something out of the car, and Nate was gentlemanly enough to escort me with his umbrella." "Ah, good for you, Nate." "You see that pretty girl sitting by herself at the bar?" "Who, the dirty hippie?" "Meow." "She's not a hippie." "She might as well be a hippie." "( laughs )" "Thank you, Timmy boy." "Well, do you know what just happened to her?" "No, but I know she's a skinny, fake, blonde bitch." "( all laugh )" "Oh, I'm sorry." "You were telling a story?" "What about her?" "( scoffs )" "( laughs )" "PAM:" "Hey, Warren!" "Is there anybody you could vouch for to give me a ride home?" "( keys clatter )" "Fair lady, your chariot awaits." " You 've been eavesdropping?" " ( chuckles )" "There's eavesdropping and "can't help but hear. "" "I think I belong in the latter category." "So, uh, Icy Hot." "You 're offering me a ride home?" "I'm offering you a lift if when I'm ready to leave, you are, too." "And when are you thinking about leaving?" "Truthfully, I'm not thinking about it." "But when I do, you will be the first to know." "Will you be able to, uh, drive later?" "I know looks can be deceiving." "But I'm a teetotaler." "I've been drinking club soda and lime all night, and now I'm building up to my big drink." " Which is what?" " Virgin piña colada." "Okay." "Why would someone who doesn't drink spend hours at a bar drinking water?" "You know, a bar offers all kind of things other than alcohol." "Mmm." "Really?" "Like what?" "Women." "Nacho grande platters." "The fellowship of some fascinating individuals, like Warren here." "( Pam chuckles ) Fair enough." "So what's your name, Icy?" "Stuntman Mike." "Stuntman Mike's your name?" "Tsk." "You ask anybody." "Hey, Warren." "Who is this guy?" "WARREN:" "Stuntman Mike." "And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?" "He's a stuntman." "( chuckles )" " ( all laughing )" " Warren!" "Six shots of Wild Turkey!" "##" "(Butterfly mouthing along) # People." "I' ve been misled #" "# And I' ve been afraid #" "# I' ve been hit in the head #" "# And left for days #" "# I' ve been abused #" "# And I' ve been accused #" "# I' ve been refused #" "( door opens ) # A piece of bread... #" " Ah!" " Hey, if it ain't Lanna-Frank." "Mwah." " Hey, baby." " How are you?" " # In my life before #" " Hey, what's up?" "Hey!" "( slaps rear ) Hey, what's shakin', bacon?" "( coughs, laughs ) Hey." "# Go wrong as I do today #" " # I want you to stop... #" " Well, let's scootch over, now." "It's about fucking time." "Well, beggars can't be choosers." "Take a picture." "It lasts longer." "What?" "That table." "Seems to keep, um, getting your attention." "Is that the girl from the billboard outside?" "Yep." "She sure is a striking-looking woman." "It's got gin, tequila, Jäger..." "Look at that hair." "Lots of leave-in conditioner." "Is that jealousy I detect?" "Hardly." "But if you want to get with, uh, Jungle Julia, there's a real easy way to do that." "Really, what would that be?" "Get famous." "You won't have to find her... she'll find you." "And you don't even want to know what she did for that billboard." "Enjoy it, cocksucker." "You 've earned it." "What did she ever do to you?" "We went to school together from kindergarten through high school." "That's what she did to me." "She was her height right now at 12." " She was a monster." " ( chuckling )" "Half the guys she still fucks she used to terrorize in the fifth grade." "And she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk, huh?" "That pituitary case?" "Might have kicked my ass a couple of times... sorry, I'm built like a girl, not a black man-- but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk." "Hey!" "Are you famous or somethin'?" "Or somethin'." "No, no, no." "Really." "Hey, what do-- what do you do?" "Really?" "What I do is work my ass off to get my own record label off the ground, but why that girl wanted a picture of me is because I'm a local D. J." "Wait a minute." "You 've got a billboard by Big Kahuna Burger, don't you?" "Yeah." "I got one there, too, Zatoichi." "Yeah." "Jungle Julia Lucai." "Stuntman Mike McKay." "Well." "Good to meet you, Stuntman Mike." "My friends and I are going to continue to get our weed on." "Would you care for some?" "Thank you, Julia, but just the same..." "no thanks." " Suit yourself." " But you know" "( sighs )" "( groans )" "( breathese heavily )" "( quietly ) Oh, shit." "Ah!" "My God." "Sorry." "It's nothing." "What the fuck was that?" "( chattering, laughing )" "You got some voucher here." "I asked him what movies you worked on." "No fuckin' clue." "Well, technically I really don't know if he's ever done anything for sure." "I mean, he shows me an episode of 'High Chaparral'." "a guy falls off a horse, he says it's him." "( Warren laughs )" "You know the show 'The Virginian'?" "Yeah, well, there was another actor on that show, Gary Clarke, and I looked like him a bit-- well, obviously before I cut myself shaving." "Tsk." "Aww, I like it." "Well, damn, if you ain't so sweet you make sugar taste just like salt." "Anyway, I did a lot of 'Virginians' doubling Gary Clarke." "And, uh... then that show turned into 'The Men of Shiloh'." "they brought on Lee Majors, and I doubled him." "From that point on I specialized mostly in car stunts." "Yeah, I did damn near the whole third season of 'Vega$'." "I was Robert Urich's driving double." "And then Bob did another show, 'Gavilan'." "and he brought me with him on that, till" "And after that..." "Do you know any of these shows or people I'm talkin' about?" "Sorry." " No?" " Mm-mm." "No, no." "So how exactly does one become a stuntman, Stuntman Mike?" "( sighs )" "Well, in Hollywood, anybody fool enough to throw himself down a flight of stairs can usually find somebody to pay him for it." "But really I got into the business the way most people get into the stunt business." "How's that?" " My brother got me in it." " Well, who's your brother?" "Stuntman Bob." "( snorts, chuckles )" "( men chatting softly )" "( phone beeping )" "I'm ready to blaze!" "Finally, yeah." "You need to catch up with us." " Now the party can start." " Yep." "Anywho, I'm sorry." "You forgive me?" "But you have to be real nice to me for the whole rest of the time I'm here." "Promise." "You ready to go to the lake?" "Mm-hmm." " How about your friend, bring him?" " I thought no boys." "If you really want him to come, Shanna won't mind." "So how about it?" "Boys or just us girls?" "Mmm, us girls." "Good idea." "( bottles clink )" "STUNTMAN MIKE:" "Ladies?" "Thanks." "Cheers, Butterfly." ""The woods are lovely, dark, and deep..." ""And I have promises to keep," "And miles to go before I sleep. "" "Did you hear me, Butterfly?" ""Miles to go before you sleep. "" "Sorry, Stuntman Burt" "Mike." "Mike." "She already broke off that dance." "Is that true?" "Did I miss my chance?" "Do I frighten you?" "Is it my scar?" "It's your car." "Ah, yeah, I know." "Sorry." "( inhales deeply )" "It's my mom's car." "( chuckles softly )" "Have you been following us?" "( chuckling ) No, but that's what I love about Austin-- it's just so damn small." " You 've seen this guy before?" " I saw him outside of Guero's." "And I saw you outside Guero's, too." "You saw my car, I saw your legs." "Now, look, I ain't stalking y'all, but I didn't say I wasn't a wolf." "So you really weren't following us?" "I'm not following you, Butterfly." "I just... got lucky." "So, how about that lap dance?" "Sorry, it was a one-time only offer, and she did it earlier this evening at Antone's." " No, she didn't." " How do you know?" "I'm good that way." " Tsk." "And you look a little touchéd." " What's "touchéd"?" "Wounded, slightly." "Why should I be wounded?" "Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night, but from your look I can tell nobody pestered you at all." "That kind of hurt your feelings a little bit, didn't it?" "There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel." "So... ( sighs )" "How about that lap dance?" "I think I'm going to have to give you a rain check." "Well, since you 'll be leaving in the next couple of days, that rain check'll be worthless." "But that's okay." "I understand if I make you uncomfortable." "You 're still a nice girl." "And I still like you." "But I must warn you of something." "You know how people say," ""You 're okay in my book, "" "or, "In my book, that's no good. "" "Well, I actually have a book." "And everybody I ever meet goes in this book." "And now I've met you, and you're goin' in the book." "( Butterfly chuckles )" "Except..." "I'm afraid I must file you... under..." ""Chicken Shit."" "And what if I did it?" "Well, I definitely couldn't file you under "Chicken Shit, "" "then, now, could I?" "What's your name again?" " Stuntman Mike." " Well, Stuntman Mike..." "I'm Butterfly." "My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive." "Yeah, it is." "( quietly ) Yeah." "Well, why don't you go get ready for your lap dance?" "( sighs )" "I'm driving." "( chattering )" "We're gonna go somewhere else, gonna go hang out." "Ready to go?" "Yeah." " Bye." "BOTH:" "Bye." "I think you got Mike laid tonight." "( both laugh )" "Lookin' good, Cannonball Run!" "He's just giving me a ride." "Oh, no doubt." "Have a nice ride!" "( both laughing )" "Look, double fucks." "( both tittering )" "I am not gonna fuck him." "I can hear you." "( laughing )" " He's old enough to be my dad." " I can still hear you." "( both laugh again )" "Bye." "Bye-bye!" "( both lightly chuckle )" "Wow, that's fucking scary." "Yeah, well, I wanted it to be impressive and... ( sniffs ) scary tends to impress." "Is it safe?" "No, it's better than safe." "It's death-proof." "How do you make a car death-proof?" "Well, that's what stuntmen do." "You 've seen a movie where a car gets into some smash-up there ain't no way in hell anybody's walking away from?" "Yeah." "Well, how do you think they accomplish that?" " CGI?" " ( laughs )" "Well, unfortunately, Pam, nowadays more often than not, you 're right." "Tsk." "But back in the all-or-nothin' days..." "'Vanishing Point' days, the 'Dirty Mary Crazy Larry' days, the 'White Line Fever' days... real cars smashing into real cars." "Real dumb people driving 'em." "So, give the stunt team the car you want to smash up, they take her and reinforce that fucker everywhere and..." "Voila!" "You got yourself a death-proof automobile." "That makes sense." "I just didn't know you could make a car death-proof." "Well, I can drive this baby into a brick wall doing 125 miles an hour." "Just for the experience." "( door squeaks )" "( Pam chuckles )" "Why is your passenger seat in a box?" "Well, this is a movie car." "Sometimes when you 're shooting' a crash, director wants to put a camera in the car-- you know, shoot the crash from the inside." "That's where you put the camera." "They call it a "crash box."" "( grunts, clears throat )" "( metal clangs loudly )" " There you go." " ( Pam chuckles )" "You know, when you asked to drive me home, you didn't mention your car didn't have a passenger seat." "Yeah, well, actually, I didn't ask to drive you home." "You asked me for a ride, and I said, "Yes. "" "But look at the bright side, Pam" "I won't be gettin' fresh, putting my hand on your knee." "( laughs )" "That is a bright side." "I thought so." "( door creaks, slams )" "( girls laughing )" "( girl screams )" "( car speeds away )" "( door slams, car idles loudly )" "( Pam laughs )" "Well, Pam... which way are you going?" " Left or right?" " Right." "Ah, that's too bad." "Why?" "Well, because it was a 50/50 shot on whether you 'd be going left or right." "You see, we're both going left." "You could have just as easily been going left, too, and if that was the case, it would have been a while before you started getting scared." "But since you 're going the other way," "I'm afraid... you 're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately." "What the fuck?" "!" "( tires squealing )" "Cocksucking motherfucker!" "Just fucking let me out of here!" "I'll fucking rip your fucking" "Stop the fucking car!" "Why are you being such a shit?" "( screaming, tires squealing )" "( horn honks )" "( continues screaming, gasping )" "( tires squealing )" "( car frame squeaking, rattling )" "( grunting )" "( continues grunting )" "Okay." "Here's the thing." "( shakily chuckles ) I get it." "This... is all a joke." "A-hah!" "Super funny!" "It's... really funny, Okay?" "But, um..." "You can stop now." "And, if-- if-- if-- if If  if you just drop me off?" "( laughs, crying )" " I swear I won't say anything" " Hey, Pam!" "Remember when I said this car was death proof?" "( frame rattling, squeaking ) Well, that wasn't a lie." "This car is 100% death proof." "Only to get the benefit of it, honey... you really need to be sittin' in my seat." "( car rumbles, idling )" "( gasps )" "( gasping, groaning )" "( gurgles )" "( head slams against metal )" "( sighs )" "Now I gotta catch me my other girlfriends." "( tires squeal )" "No, no, no, no, no, no." "It's Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich." "So, you got it?" "Thanks, honey." "You 're gonna play it next song, right?" "Good boy." "( chuckles )" "Growl!" "Bye-bye." "Who do you want to hear?" "Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich." "Who?" "Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich." "Who the fuck are they?" "For your information, Pete Townshend, at one point, almost quit The Who, and if he had, he would have ended up in this group, thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich, and Pete." "And if you ask me, he should have." " ( song begins playing )" " That's my boy!" "##" "# Hold tight. count to three #" "# Gotta stay close by me #" "# And hold tight. sing and shout #" "# Just ride my roundabout #" "# And hold tight. shut your eyes #" "# Girl, you suit me for size... #" "# Forget the other guys #" "# You 'll never fall each time you call #" "# Hold tight. hold tight #" "# Hold tight... #" "# Hold tight. make me feel." "what you say is for real #" "# And hold tight. carousel #" "# Girl. you 'll soon ring my bell #" "# And hold tight. we will fly #" "# Swinging low. swinging high... #" "# We're gonna make the sky #" "# You 'll never fall #" "( tires squeal )" "( engine revs )" "( tires sqealing )" "( engine revving )" "##" "SHANNA:" "I want to hear this part of the song louder!" "( Stuntman Mike screams )" "( hissing )" "( distant chattering )" "Do you remember anything?" "( phone rings )" "Uh..." "I..." "I don't remember." "( door slams )" "EARL:" "Doctor Block." "( indistinct voice over intercom )" "WOMAN: ( over intercom ) Self-restraints to Room 310." "Self-restraints to Room 310." "Well." "What's the patient's prognosis, Dr. Block?" "I don't really see it's any of your business." "Come on now, Sis." "You just tell us." "How bad is he?" "He got banged up real good." "Busted nose, broken collarbone, smashed up his left index finger." "Is that it?" "He was real lucky." "( chuckles )" "That'll be all?" "Well, that's more than enough, and I wanna thank you, Dr. Block." "( grunts ) Son of a bitch." "So, Pop." "What do you think?" "Well, Son Number One, what I think is so goddamn ghoulish I hesitate to speak it out loud." "Well, give it a shot." "Well, what we have here is a case of vehicular homicide." "That ol' boy in there murdered them pretty little gals." "I mean, he used a car, not a hatchet, but they're dead just the same." "Well, what are you gonna do?" "Not a goddamn thing." "D.A. says there ain't no crime here." "Every one of them gals was swimming in alcohol and floating' on weed, and old Hooper in there came out clean as a whistle." "Now, you actually think that he premeditatively murdered them gals?" "Well, I can't prove it." "But since thinkin' don't cost nothin', I can think it, and I do." "Yeah, but Pop, he got pretty banged up himself." "Well, hell yeah, he got banged up, but goddamn" "I mean, them pretty little gals in there look like a goddamn giant chewed 'em up and spit 'em out." "Did any of 'em survive?" "( scoffs ) Shit." "Two tons of metal, 200 miles an hour, flesh and bone and plain old Newton-- they all princess died." "Why?" "( shutter clicks )" "EARL:" "Well, I'd guesstimate it's a sex thing." "The only way I can figure it." "High-velocity impact, twisted metal, busted glass, all four souls taken exactly the same time." "Probably the only way that diabolical degenerate can shoot his goo." "( clicks )" "Your timing couldn't be better, Zoë." "It just so happens we're all three off-duty for the next three days." "Fuckin' hell!" "How does that happen?" "I'm doing Lindsay Lohan's makeup, and she's off for the next three days." "There's no stunts being filmed during that time so Kim's free, and Lee's on a will-notify for the next four days." "So how the hell's the shoot going?" "Great." "We're having the best time." "The director, Cecil Evans, is so much fun." "We're making the coolest movie and partying all the time." "Hell, yeah." "The next job after this one is definitely gonna suck." "So let's hear it, ladies." "Set romances!" "Who's getting it off?" "That would be Lee and Toolbox." "Oh, Toolbox!" "Name sounds promising." " He's a grip." " What he is is a pervert." "Well, he just keeps sounding better and better." "What's his perversion?" "He likes to watch me pee." "# Lee is sitting on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee #" "# P-l-S-S-l-N-G #" "Ooh!" "Yeah, but not no more." "Now she's getting it on with the Rock." "You had a one-off with the Rock?" "Well, not the real Rock." "He's this electrician named Bruce." "And Kim started calling him the Rock, 'cause he kinda looks like the Rock, so now we all just call him the Rock." "Kim, dick department." "Let's hear it!" "Mm-mmm, no dick this trip." "I got a man." " How long have you had this boyfriend?" " About three months." "Who'd you steal him from?" "Nobody!" "ABBIE:" "Kim!" " Wha--what?" "He totally had a girlfriend." "ZOË:" "All of Kim's boyfriends start out as somebody else's boyfriend." "I did not steal him!" "I didn't steal any of them;" "they just... jumped ship." "( girls snorting )" " So what's your story, Abernathy?" " Oh, Abbie's got the big Kahuna." "I had a set crush on Cecil." "Set crush?" "Nigga, please." "You were his set wife!" ""Were" and "had" being the key words, here." "Bitch, you two are still into each other and you know it." "Yeah, well, if he's so in love with me, why did he fuck Darryl Hannah's stand-in?" "( all snorting and cackling )" "Yes, men are dogs." "Oh, it's so funny!" "Oh, it's so funny!" "Stop acting all hurt." "Your ass just mad." "Yeah, he's a stand-in fucker." "Bitch, You need to get over that shit." "That was two weeks ago." "Oh, well, now you put it like that..." "Oh, I haven't told you the best part." "He fucked her on my birthday." "Oh, that's a horse of a different color." " Thank you." " Did he know it was your birthday?" "I mean, he's the director." "He's kind of busy." "He ate a piece of my birthday cake, and he got me a present." " ( whispers ) Wow." " Yeah..." "I think he knew." "What did he get you?" "He made me a tape." "He made you a tape?" " ( shrieks )" " Wait, he didn't burn you a CD?" "He made you a tape?" " Yeah." " Oh, that is so romantic!" "Yes, I know what you 're gonna say, so don't even go there." "This sounds like the test of true love to me." "Look, I know you guys like him." "He's likeable." "But he fucked another woman on my birthday." "How can you not be on my side?" "I admit, that sounds bad." "It is bad!" "It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that." "Were you two fucking?" "Hell, no." "Hello, is your name Abernathy?" "Sorry." "The answer to your question is no, of course not." "What do you mean "No, of course not"?" "The reason Cecil hasn't had a girlfriend in six years is because girls will fuck him, and if you fuck Cecil, you don't become one of his girlfriends-- not to say I want to be his girlfriend," "but if I did want to be his girlfriend, if I fucked him, I wouldn't be." "I'd be one of his regulars, and I'm getting too fuckin' old for that shit." " Have you let him do anything?" " Yes!" "I've let him give me a foot massage, and when we go to the movies, I've let him hold my hand." "Bitch, you might be actin' like you 12 years old, but he just acting like a man." "You need to break that nigga off a piece." "Let me get this straight-- you 're not fucking him, you 're not sucking him, you 're not giving him any tongue, but Darryl Hannah's stand-in is?" "You know some cultures might say he made the wiser choice." "( all laughing )" "So Zoë, Kim, and I are in the Philippines at an outdoor rave." " LEE:" "What were you working on?" " Three Kicks to the Head." "Part Three." "And, admittedly, we're a little fucked up." " ZOË: (giggling ) Cheers to that." " Word." "Cheers." "So Zoë... the genius, wants to take a picture of me." "( others laughing )" "It's dark as hell, and you can't see shit." "So she's got her camera and keeps saying, "Step back a little!"" "So I do." "( imitating Zoë ) Then "A little fu -ther!"" "So I step back a little fu -ther." "Then "A little more!" So I do." "Then I realize I'm at the edge of a seven-foot concrete ditch... ( others cracking up ) ... with God knows how many rocks and broken bottles and rats in it, and if I fell in that fucking thing," "I probably would have broken my neck." "So I am yelling at her:" ""Zoë, you almost killed me!"" "So we laugh about it and walk a little further, and Zoë starts fuckin' around." "And... bam!" "... if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch!" "LEE:" "Nice." "Thank you." "Yep." "Thank you." "I remember taking a step and looking down, just as I'm thinking, "There's that ditch Abbie was talking about. "" "Bam!" "I'm in the fucking ditch, you know." "What happened?" "What, with Zoë, the cat?" "Nothing." "If I fell in that fuckin' thing, they would have had to helicopter me out of there." "Zoë just lands on her feet." "But then later I started feeling a little bad about myself" "Zoë falls in the ditch and it's nothing." "We're laughing about it." "If I fell in that fucking thing, I probably would have been paralyzed." "Oh, honey, you can't think like that." "We all have our individual talents, and that just happens to be one of Zoë's." "Well, physically speaking, Zoë is amazing." "I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness?" "There's few human beings that can fuck with Zoë on that front." "Kim, I like you too." "Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoë's prowess, you're missing the most important part of that story." "You didn't fall in the ditch." "Zoë did." "Zoë even knew there was a ditch there because you told her, and she still fell in." "So Lee's right." "We all have our talents." "Hey, I resemble that remark." "( laughing )" "So Kim, you still pack a Roscoe?" "Check it out, bitch." " Ooh, nice one, mate." " I know this." "LEE:" "What's a Roscoe?" "Roscoe's a pistol." " You carry a gun?" " Uh-huh." "You have a license to carry?" "Yeah, when I became a Secret Service agent, they gave me a license." "Oh, I didn't know you were..." "Okay, I didn't say it, all right?" "Stop looking at me." "God." "Did you know Kim carried a gun?" "Yes." "Now, do I approve?" "No." "Do I know?" "Yes." "Look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun." "You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns tend to get shot more than people who don't." "And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped." "Don't do your laundry at midnight." "Fuck that!" "I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I want to." "There are other things you can carry other than a gun." "Pepper spray." "Uh, motherfucker trying to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash." "I wanna shut that nigga down!" "How about a knife, at least?" "Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers carry knives?" "They get shot!" "If I ever become a famous actress, I won't carry a gun." "I'll hire me a do-dirt nigga and he'll carry the gun, and when shit goes down," "I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's Wild West." "So Zoë, you thought about what you want to do first?" "It just so happens I know exactly what I want to do." "Oh, really?" "And what would that be?" "To me, there's no point in being in America unless you can drive a Detroit muscle car." "I wanna drive a Dodge Challenger-- fuck me swinging, balls out." "( laughing )" "ABBIE:" "Well, I guess we could talk to Transpo, but does it have to be a Dodge Challenger?" "Not just that." "It has to be a 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine." "( cackles )" "How in the fuck do you expect to do that?" "No worries, mate." "I've got it all worked out." "When I knew I was coming here, I went online and found out that the local paper here in Tennessee is the Lebanon News Sentinel." " So back home..." " I'm sorry, where's home?" "Australia?" "( grunts )" "What do you mean by that, mate?" "Zoë's from New Zealand, and you never" "I repeat, never-- call a Kiwi an Aussie." "KIM:" "That is, unless you want your ass kicked." "I'm so sorry." "I will nev" "( others snorting )" "Oh, it's okay." "We're just taking the piss out of you, mate." "Auckland, to answer your question." "Anyway, I subscribed to the local paper a month ago." "Why the fuck you want a local redneck newspaper in New Zealand?" "Pipe down and I'll tell you." "I've been getting the paper and checking the classifieds, looking at cars for sale, so as of yesterday, for sale in this town, some dude is selling a stock 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine and a white paint job." "KIM:" "And you wanna buy it?" "Kim, I may be stupid, but I'm not bloody stupid." "I wanna say I wanna buy it so he'll let me test-drive it." "A 1970 Dodge Challenger with a white paint job?" "Oh, uh, Kowalski!" "Kowalski from 'Vanishing Point'." "Mate, it's a fucking classic!" "If I can get this guy to let me drive it without him, I will blow the doors off that bitch." "ABBIE:" "What's 'Vanishing Point'?" "What's 'Vanishing Point'?" "Abs, I'm supposed to be the illiterate one." "It's just one of the best American movies ever made." "Actually, Zoë, most girls wouldn't know 'Vanishing Point'." "Excuse me." "Most girls?" "What the fuck are you two?" "Yeah, well, we're gearheads." "Of course we watched it." "Y'all grew up watching that 'Pretty in Pink' shit." "Oh, I liked 'Pretty in Pink'." "What, so you didn't watch John Hughes movies?" "Of course I did." "I'm a girl." "But I also watched car shit, too..." "'Vanishing Point'. 'Dirty Mary Crazy Larry'." " 'Gone in 60 Seconds'..." " Oh..." "The real one, not that Angelina Jolie bullshit." "We have an outdoor theater in Auckland that plays 'Vanishing Point'." "'Big Wednesday'. all the classics." "( honks )" "( honking )" "What do you horny gals want?" "( door opens, slams )" "Yeah, you got a 1970 Dodge Challenger for sale?" "Right up here, ladies." "This shit is off the fuckin' hook!" "Fuckin' legendary, mate." "Sweet ass." "Well, if you 'll excuse me, I'd like to have a word with my associate." "You ladies take your time." "( laughs creepily )" "( moan )" "What are you waiting for?" "Ask him to let you drive it by yourself." "I intend to, but first I need to ask you something." "What?" "If he lets us take it out on our own, I wanna play Ship's Mast." " Oh, hell, no!" " Keep it down!" "Ain't no way I'm doing Ship's Mast." " For Chrissakes..." " Don't blaspheme." "Sorry." "Now, what did you say after the last time?" " Look, I know what I said." " What did you say?" " I know I said we shouldn't..." " No." "You didn't say we shouldn't." "You said we ain't ever gonna do that again." " But..." " But, my ass!" "You said not only are we never gonna play Ship's Mast again, but you also said if you ever do what you trying to do now, to not only refuse, but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary." "Now, did you or did you not say that?" "No, no, no." "Answer the question, motherfucker." " Did you or did you not say that?" " Yes, I said that." " However..." " Whatever with your "however."" "Look, I know I said it, and I know I meant it" "Damn skippy you meant it!" "But when I said it, I didn't mean in America!" " Oh, nigga, please." " For real." "Really." "I meant we should never play Ship's Mast again in New Zealand or Australia." "You are such a liar!" "I know what I said, but when I said it I didn't know I'd ever come to America, and if I had of known I was gonna come to America, had the opportunity to play Ship's Mast on the 'Vanishing Point' Challenger..." "I would have added a "however. "" "Right?" "Okay, oddly enough, I actually understood that." "However, just because you talked yourself into some stupid shit doesn't mean I have lost my goddamn mind." "You need two people to play Ship's Mast, and I ain't playing." "I'll be your best friend." "I don't need me no best friend lives on the other side of Planet Earth." "I'll crack your back." "You 'll crack it anyway." "Well, of course I'll crack it anyway." "But now, while I'm here, I'll be your back-cracking slave." "Whenever you want it, you 've got it." "You don't even have to ask." "You just order me to do it, just be like, "Bitch, get over here and get busy."" "We're gonna see if this guy'll let us take the car out without him." "If he does, you wait here with Lee and we'll be back in a moment." "What?" " I said we're gonna see if this guy'll let" " I heard what you said." "I just can't believe what you said." "You two got some fuckin' balls." "What?" "Don't play dumbass with me." "I've been up all night, I'm still a little drunk, and I have a hangover." "I should be in my hotel room, asleep, not fuckin' around on Tobacco Road, but because Zoë wanted to drive some 'Vanishing Point' car, I'm here." "Now you two got the balls to ask me-- no, scratch that-- tell me" "I gotta go make conversation with Tom Joad while the cool kids get to go out and play?" "Bullshit on that." " It ain't like that." " What's it like, Kim?" "You guys are our collateral." "He's never gonna go for it if we all go." "I really think one human being will be collateral enough." "You 're not gonna want to do what we're doing." "What, drive a car?" "We're doing more than that." "What, drive it fast?" "We're doing more than that." "Actually, we're paying you a compliment, 'cause we gonna do some stupid shit." "( clears throat )" "But that's okay." "We're stunt people." "We ain't got good sense." "But you got good sense, and anybody with good sense" " ain't gonna want to do what we're doing." " How do you know?" "'Cause you 're a mum." "Yeah." "You know, we're supposed to be this big posse, but that's the excuse you guys use whenever you want to exclude me, so what is it you two daredevils are doing that I'm just so uncool I couldn't possibly understand?" "You know, we're kind of conning this guy, so maybe it's best if we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us." "Besides... he's probably not gonna let us do it, anyway." "Okay, how about this?" "I'll talk him into it, but I go along." " How you gonna do that?" " That's my problem." "But don't worry." "( snorts ) He'll say yes." "What are you gonna do, blow him?" "No." "I'm gonna insinuate that Lee's gonna blow him." "( laughing )" "That's a good one." "Not really." "But let me handle it." "We got a deal?" "Okay, Mama, listen up." "You wanna hang with the cool kids?" "You got to be cool." "We take you along, you don't say shit." "You don't even say crap." "You just sit in the back, and I don't want to hear a peep, you understand?" " Got it." " I'm serious, now." "You start nagging us, we pulling over, kicking you out, and picking you up later." "Agreed." "Okay." "Go work your magic." " Hello, sir." " Hello." " Hello, what's your name?" " Jasper." "Hello, Jasper, I'm Abernathy." " Aber what?" " Abernathy." " What's your first name?" " That is my first name." " What kind of first name is that?" " Just call me Abbie." "Okay, Abbie." "Jasper, we were wondering if my friends and I could take the car out for a little test drive out on our own, just to see if we're comfortable." "Why would I do something stupid like that?" "To better sell your automobile." "How do I know y'all ain't just gonna steal it?" "Four reasons, actually." "One, we're not thieves, two, that would be rude, three, we're staying at the Days Inn in town-- you can call, check with management." "We're registered for the next month." "Actually, Zoë's not, but Kim and I are, so we're totally track-downable." "Who's Kim?" "The colored girl?" "Yes." "Kim would be the girl of color." "And reason number four-- and the most important:" "while we're taking the car out for a little spin, that'll give you a better opportunity to get acquainted with our other friend..." "Lee." "( chuckles )" "Why does she look kind of familiar?" "That would be because she's a famous actress." "Hmm." "Why's she dressed like that?" "Well, you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town, and it's a cheerleader movie, and she's one of the cheerleaders." "What's a cheerleader movie?" "A movie about cheerleaders." "Is it a porno movie?" "Yes, it is, but don't mention it." "She's shy." "( honks )" "Lee, this is Jasper." "Jasper, Lee." "Now, you two kids stay out of trouble." "KIM:" "Hey, good-looking." "Be back to pick you up later." "ZOË:" "Ta-ta!" "( revving )" "( jasper chuckles slowly )" "Gulp." "You thinking what I'm thinking?" "I think I'm thinking it." "What are you and you thinking?" "I'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up." " Where y'all going?" " You stay put." "I gotta take a" "So, you ready to do this?" "You sure?" "Well, I always don't want to do it right before I'm gonna do it." "I know what you mean, 'cause I don't wanna do it." "Kim!" " I'm just saying." " If you're gonna take the piss out of it..." "I'm just saying." "You wanna start out on top?" "Practically doesn't count if you start on the top." "( both laughing )" "( unzips bag )" "Here are your gloves." "No, no, no, no." "I'm wearing a jacket." "This is my jacket." "Um, ain't you supposed to be my slave or some shit?" " Come on." " I'm the one who's on the bonnet." "Bonnet, my ass." "You on the hood." "( pop )" "Y'all, I think I hear a car coming." "Give me your belt." "This is my cute shit." "Fuck that." "Get Abernathy's belt." "Fine, we'll use Abbie's belt." " Give me your belt." " No." "Prada." "Come on, give her the belt." " Magic word." " Please give her the belt?" "Just 'cause you asked nicely." "It's nice to be nice, Kim!" "Whatever." "You know what?" "Don't think about asking me to do your hair." " Your ass gonna do it." " You 'll ask "pretty please, " bitch, because that's what you do when no one else is looking." "You ain't that hard." " I ain't getting..." " Abernathy." "Don't get on my nerves right now." " I got shit on my mind." " ZOË:" "Ooh!" "You know, I ain't six." "It's cold." "Can we roll up one of these windows?" "KIM and ZOË:" "No." "Okay, Abernathy." "Check this out." "What the fuck are you guys doing?" "( banging )" "ABBIE:" "What does that mean?" "Whoa!" "Faster, you black bitch!" "Faster!" "That fast enough for your bony ass?" "Whoo-hoo!" "Whoa ho ho ho!" "Oh!" "Abernathy, get your ass up here." "Whoa!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Alrighty." "ABBIE:" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "( laughing )" "ZOË:" "Go, go!" "Go!" "Check it out, bitch." "You want it fucking faster?" "( screaming )" "Whoo-hoo!" "Yah hoo hoo!" "##" "Yah hoo hoo!" "( chuckling )" "( laughing )" " Oh, my God." " What the fuck?" "Shit." "( crashing, screaming )" "Damn it!" "Now." "Did you do something to him?" "Say something?" "Nothing!" "Shit." "Here he comes, Zoë." "He's coming!" "Aah!" "( skidding )" "Shit, oh shit!" "No!" "Hold on, Zoë!" "Oh, my God." "Zoë!" " Oh!" "Hold on!" " I can't!" "Fuck you, motherfucker!" "( screaming )" " Zoë!" "Zoë!" " ( crashes )" " I'm sorry I called you a black bitch!" " I forgive you." "Hold the fuck on!" "Whoa, whoa, get away!" "( crash )" "Oh, shit." "I can't see." "I can't see!" "Zoë, move your leg!" "ABBIE:" "Oh!" "Come on, come on!" "ZOË:" "Redneck lunatic bastard!" "Get away from me!" "KIM: ... fucking legs!" "Oh, my God." "( skin skids on hood )" "Shit, I'm scared, Kim." "I'm really scared." "I know, baby, just hold on." "Watch your feet!" "( crash )" "You wanna get hot?" " Fucking son of a bitch!" " You wanna get hot?" "( crash )" "Then suck on this for a while, bitch!" "ABBIE:" "Zoë!" "Goddamn it!" "( Zoë walls )" "Oh, my God." "Get away from us, you cocksucker!" "Leave us alone!" "ZOË:" "Fuck you, motherfucker!" " KIM:" "Fuck you!" "ABBIE:" "Zoë!" "Zoë!" "Oh, Zoë!" "( Zoë sobs )" "Hold on!" "( metal rasping )" "Zoë!" "Zoë!" "( indistinct )" "Look out!" "( horn honks )" "( screeching )" "Get ready to fly, bitch." "( skin skids on hood )" " Zoë!" " Zoë, hold on!" "He's right on your fucking ass!" "( laughing )" "Hey!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Hey, ladies, that was fun." "Well, adios." " ( fires )" " Ow!" "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "( fires again )" "Run away with your ass!" "( empty chamber clicks )" "You better run, motherfucker!" "That bitch!" "( sobs )" "I'm okay!" "Oh, shit!" "Goddamn it!" "Oh, you fuckin' bitch!" "Of course you are." "Of course you are." "What was I thinking?" "( spitting out debris )" "What was I thinking?" "Zoë, the fucking cat!" "Whew." "That was a close one." "You guys look like shit." "Who died?" "That's it!" "( laughing )" " I'm gonna beat your fuckin' ass." " Zoë, are you Okay?" "Well, I'm gonna have a hell of a bruise on my bum but  aside from that I'll be sweet." "( laughing )" "So, where's the maniac?" "I shot him and his punk ass sped off." "You wanna go get him?" "Oh, hell yeah!" "Honey..." "I think you might want to get out." "Fuck that shit." "Let's kill this bastard." "Okay, get your ass in the back." "Let's go." "Where the fuck you going?" "I'll be back!" "That'll smart." "Sweet." "Let's go." "Oh, fuck yeah, bitch." "Come on." "Bring that shit." "Giddy-up, Kim!" "ZOË:" "Yeah!" "( whimpers )" "( yells )" "( grunting in pain )" "God!" "( yells )" "( crying ) Come on!" "Come on." "( coughs )" "( crying )Why?" "Oh, no!" "( screams )" "Ah!" "Do it." "Do it." "Do it." "( screaming )" "Oh, no!" "No, no, no!" "No, God!" "All right, get it together, man." "What did you-- what am l-- what are you gonna do?" "( engine roaring )" "KIM:" "Take him down!" "( yelling )" "Now where do you think you 're going?" "Fuckin' fuck you!" "Where do you think you 're fucking going?" "What the fuck do you think" "Come here!" "Go!" "Whoo-hoo!" "What's wrong with your ass, motherfucking cocksucker?" "Oh, you 're gonna wiggle your ass at me, gonna wiggle it at me?" "Oh, don't like it up the ass, do you, you redneck lunatic bastard?" "Aah!" "Oh, yeah, gonna bust a nut up in this bitch right now!" "Oh, I'm the horniest motherfucker on the road!" "Boo-yah, bitch!" "Did you just hit a boat?" "( cow moos )" "Yeah, come on, Kim, get him!" "Get that motherfucker!" "Forget about the cows, motherfucker!" "Move, motherfucker, move!" "( cows sound alarmed )" "Motherfucker!" "I'm 'bout to bust a nut up in this bitch..." "( creaking )" " ( yelling )" " ZOË:" "Watch it, watch it." "# Tapping that ass tapping that ass #" "# Tapping that-- tapping that-- tapping... #" " Aah!" " ( frame creaking loudly )" "Bastard." "Oh, you know I can't let you go... without tapping that ass." "Oh, fuck me!" " One..." " Kim?" " ... more..." " ( clears throat ) Kim?" "... time!" "Boo-yah!" "That's what I'm talking..." "that's what I'm talking about, bitch!" "( whimpers )" "( honking )" "( honks )" "Oh, come on!" "Yah!" "Yah ha ha, come on!" "Thought you lost us, motherfucker." "We back, motherfucker." "We back." "Who's laughing now, bitch!" "( moaning )" "Shit." "Come on!" "Here's Cha Cha!" "You miss us, ya lunatic bastard?" "I'm sorry!" "What?" "I didn't mean anything." "I was just playing around." "Oh, he was just playing around!" " Just playing!" " Well, I ain't playing with you!" "Whoa!" "( cheering )" "Oh, look out, look out, look out." "ZOË: ( laughing ) What's your sign?" "Oh, shit!" " ( debris rumbles underneath ) Oh, shit." "Don't run, don't run, motherfucker, don't run." "This baby's on speed!" "Whoa!" " Aah!" " Yeah, yeah!" "Yeah!" "Jesus fucking Christ, it's about time." "( sighs in relief )" "ABBIE:" "Go, go, go, go, go, go!" "Please don't dead-end." "Please don't dead end." "Please don't dead-end." "Please don't dead-end." "Please don't dead-end." "Please don't dead-end." "Please don't dead-end." "Please don't dead-end." "Oh, there the motherfucker is." "ABBIE:" "Go, go, go!" "Get him, get him, get him!" "Unh!" "( laughing hysterically )" "( Stuntman Mike yells like a banshee )" "Oh, help me!" "( continues screaming )" "Be careful." "My right arm's broken." "This one?" "ZOË:" "Oh, you want some shit?" "Motherfucker, kiss my fucking ass." "( Kim yells, laughs )" "Uhn!" "( groans )" "Yah!" "( Stuntman Mike groans )" "Mother... fucker!" "Motherfucker!" "Asshole!" "( cheering )" "# Hang up the chick habit #" "# Hang it up." "Daddy." "or you 'll be alone in a quick #" "# Hang up the chick habit #" "# Hang it up." "Daddy." "or you 'll never get another fix #" "# I' m telling you it's not a trick." "pay attention. don 't be thick #" "# Or you 're liable to get licked #" "# You 're gonna see the reason why when they're spitting in your eye #" "# They'll be spitting in your eye #" "# Hang up the chick habit #" "# Hang it up." "Daddy." "a girl's not a tonic or a pill #" "# Hang up the chick habit #" "# Hang it up." "Daddy you 're just jumping for a spill #" "# Oh. how your bubble's gonna burst #" "# When you meet another nurse she'll be driving in a hearse #" "# You 're gonna need a heap of glue when they all catch up with you #" "# And they cut you up in two #" "# Now your ears are ringing the birds will stop their singing #" "# Everything is turning gray #" "# No candy in your till." "no cutie left to thrill #" "# You 're alone on a Tuesday #" "# Hang up the chick habit #" "# Hang it up." "Daddy." "or you 'll be alone in a quick #" "# Hang up the chick habit #" "# Hang it up." "Daddy." "or you 'll never get another fix #" "# I' m telling you it's not a trick." "pay attention. don 't be thick #" "# Or you 're liable to get licked #" "# You 're gonna see the reason why when they're spitting in your eye #" "# They'll be spitting in your eye #" "# You 're gonna see the reason why when they're spitting in your eye #" "# They'll be spitting in your eye #"