"Pudding's almost cooled." "Another five minutes, I'll peel the skin off and baptize it in Reddi-wip." "(sighs)" "Actually, we... we have to go." "I've..." "I've got, I've got papers to grade and Mike has, you know... (tapping hand)" "You... you have something, sweetie?" "Nope." "Football's over." "My Sunday nights are pretty much wide open." "Well, apparently, I misspoke." "What's happening on the baby front?" "Am I gonna be a grandma or should I just fill up my wallet with baseball cards?" "Well, we could be home right now trying, but instead, we're here, waiting for you to skin the puddin'." "If you're totally barren," "I guess the two of you could always adopt some unwanted brat." "I'm not barren, Peggy, okay?" "If I was any more fertile," "I'd have pumpkins growing out of me." "If you do adopt, steer clear of those teen mom Appalachian babies." "Give me Chinese over white trash any day." "They'll walk on your back, and you don't have to worry about 'em hocking your TV for methamphetamine." "(hushed):" "Get me the hell out of here." "It's no big deal." "It's just taking a little longer than we'd hoped." "You remember what that's like." "Sure, your old man's seed didn't take on the first poke, but I wasn't racing the clock like this one." "I'm still a vital young woman." "(hushed):" "I'm engaging." "Why do I keep engaging?" "!" "And if the adoption agencies don't find you suitable, you can always get yourself a cat." "They'll give those to anybody." "(barks)" "Okay, good food, good fun and good night." "Thanks for dinner, Mom." "I guess you could just save me some pudding." "Well, you can have it with your cake when you come over Tuesday night for your birthday bash." "No, we agreed that this year, his birthday was at our house." "Real nice." "Make a poor old lady drag herself halfway across town for your flavorless cake and snotty comments." "I'm not making you do anything, old woman." "You don't want to come, don't come!" "I'll be so disappointed, but I'll get over it!" "Whoo!" "I hope the children don't get her temperament." "Maybe it's a blessing she can't breed." "Thanks, Mom." "Another Sunday Funday." "It was, wasn't it?" "And just so you know, you don't have to bring her with you every time." "We're married now." "My hell is her hell." "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love. ♪" "Look, I know that she's your mother, but if some stranger talked to me like that, they'd get a kisser full of this." "I've told you before, you can't let her push your buttons." "She doesn't just push my buttons." "She leans on 'em, she tapes 'em down." "You know she's never gonna change, so why not learn to be the bigger person?" "I am being the bigger person." "Otherwise, she'd be in the emergency room getting my sensible shoe removed from her hateful old rump." "Wow, you know, right there, you sound exactly like my dad?" "When we do have a baby," "I'm not letting that nasty woman anywhere near it." "Come on." "And even if we accidentally drive by her house, we'll tell our kids, "That's where an old devil witch lives."" "That's exactly what my dad would say each time he and I came home from a ball game." "I just think we should rethink this birthday party thing." "I don't think if I can handle that woman two days in one week." "What?" "You're gonna cancel my birthday party?" "!" "No, we can still do something fun." "Hey, that miniature golf place just opened up for the season." "That's lame." "I don't want to do that." "Fine, I'll do whatever you want." "Keep it small." "And by "small," I mean anyone but your mother." "Come on, Mol." "It's my birthday." "I'm counting on you to be the reasonable person." "Gah!" "All right!" "I'll suck it up." "Pull into that 7-Eleven." "That damn woman put pudding in my brain." "Hey, you're gonna love the birthday present" "I got for you this year." "And I left the price tag on it, so you know exactly how much to spend on mine." "That's very thoughtful of you." "And feel free to go over budget if you want to make up for buying me a pocket comb and anti-fungal foot spray." "Haven't you ever heard the expression," ""It's the thought that counts"?" "What thought?" "You bought a man with no hair a comb, and you could eat off of my feet." "Hello." "Welcome to Abraham's." "Do you know what you would like?" "Uh, you, a dark room, and some Barry White music." "No-no-no-no-no-no, Shyama!" "Go away, please." "This is my table." "Well, my, my, my, it looks like we got something new and tasty on the menu." "Really?" "Did they bring back corn fritters?" "I love those things." "Carl, she is new to this country and deserves better than some skeevy guy trying to take advantage of her trusting nature just to get her into bed." "Besides, I saw her first, so I got dibs." "Yeah, we gonna see about that, Wally the Waiter." "Hey, you better plan on eating every meal of every day right here." "Sure, sure." "I'm not seeing corn fritters anywhere." "Is it on special?" "ALL: * What do you do with a drunken sailor?" "*" "♪ What do you do with a drunken sailor ♪" "♪ What do you do with a drunken sailor ♪" "♪ Early in the morning?" "♪" "I usually marry him." "Then you cheat on him." "I will gut you like a fish." "There's no stabbing in here." "You're both on parole and I just waxed the floor." "Gals." "Kudos on the Mexican pizza today." "Muy bueno." "I'm gonna go over here and have a little chin-wag with the mother-in-law." "Hello, Peggy." "State your business and go." "I've got six tables to de-booger and I'm working with a gabby crew." "Okay, um... for Mike's sake, can we just put our differences aside?" "Hey, I'm not the pigheaded one who doesn't play well with others." "No, you're a real peach." "Look, he wants a birthday party, and for whatever reason, he wants us both there." "Well, he wants me there because I'm the woman who gave him life." "I don't know what he's thinking about you." "(exhales pointedly)" "What do you say, uh, we plan something together... for Mike, who we both love?" "Fine. 7:00 at my house tonight." " We'll hash out the details for the boy's soiree." " Great." "You know, we could do it at my place, too." "I've got a computer and Internet access." "We planning a party or hacking into the Pentagon?" "This is gonna be fun." "Your place, 7:00." "Ah!" "Ladies, are we taking a beauty nap?" "Let's get this place standing tall, so I can get home and watch Dr. Phil." "It's "Pederast Week."" "ALL: * What do you do with a drunken sailor?" "*" "♪ What do you do with a drunken sailor ♪" "♪ What do you do with... ?" "♪" "You did good work today, Shyama." "And after a few more weeks of training, we will begin to split the tips." "That is most generous of you, Samuel." "70-30, of course." "So, uh, what are you doing now?" "Would you like to grab a beer, perhaps take a walk in the park?" "Oh, no, I'm very tired." "Well, then, how about a foot massage?" "I have lotion." "Hey, Samuel... you ready to go home?" "Carl, what are you doing here?" "What am I doing here?" "I'm here to give my roommate a ride home." "Brother doesn't have a car." "You have never once given me a ride home." "And you always flip me off when you see me at the bus stop." "What?" "That's just for fun." "You know, give you a little chuckle on your long-ass bus ride." "How about you?" "You need a ride?" " Well..." " No... we are taking the bus home." "I'm giving Shyama the nickel tour of the city." "Man, that's half your savings." "And besides, we can't show a delicate flower the city of Chicago on a dirty city bus." "No, she needs to see it from the passenger seat of a 2003 Chevrolet Blazer." "You own your own car?" "In 13 more easy payments, I do." " You ever seen a moon-roof?" " No." "Girl, you in for a treat." "I might even let you work the button." "No, no, no, no!" "Don't touch his button!" "Damn it." "Guys with cars can kiss my ass." "Okay, I was thinking for Mike's birthday extravaganza this year, that maybe we could, you know, maybe mix it up a little." "Go a little classy." "Great, I'll pluck my toe hairs." "Might want to do that regardless of the theme." "But, uh, anyway, I was thinking we could do little finger foods, and, ooh, maybe do a signature drink." "Call it a "Mike-tini." (laughs)" "Uh-huh." "Whose birthday are we celebrating, my son's or Liberace's?" "That's funny." "That's funny..." "Liberace." "But, you know, actually, a piano player... that's actually a very good idea." "Sure." "Why not hire some swish to wear a gold-leaf jockstrap and strum a harp?" "Let..." "let's just say that we'll have music." "Okay, we're making headway!" "Look, all the boy wants is a hunk of cake the size of a cinder block and a fork that don't spark." "Actually, we're not gonna have a cake." "What?" "!" "A birthday party without cake is just a house full of strangers raiding your medicine cabinet and clogging your toilet." "I was thinking we could have a nice, you know, fresh fruit salad drizzled with low-fat whipped cream on top of it." "Here's a thought: cake, cake, and more cake." "And when that's gone, a backup cake." "What are you trying to do to him, put him in a cake coma?" "Oh, it's one day of the year, warden." "The next morning, you can lock him back up in your fat-free Folsom." "How about we just give him a big spoon and a big bag of sugar?" "No." "His dad and I did that on his fifth birthday." "He ended up biting the neighbor's dog." "Okay." "How about a nice angel food cake covered in fresh strawberries?" "What is it with you and fruit?" "Do you own a truck full of migrant workers?" "Okay, decorations..." "I was thinking streamers and some letters that spell out "happy birthday."" "How would you like to crap on that?" "(slurring): * What do you do with a drunken sailor?" "*" "♪ What do you do with a drunken sailor?" "♪" "(laughing): * What do you do with a drunken sailor *" "♪ Early in the morning?" "♪" "Are you wasted?" "(melodramatic gasp)" "Blotto!" "(giggles)" "That's the only way I can handle your mom." "Do you know why?" "Ask me why." "Ask me." " Why?" " 'Cause she's evil." "I think we should shave her head and start looking for sixes." "Were you this drunk when you got there?" "No, she did this to me." "She got me drunk so I wouldn't kill her." "Do you know..." "Do you know why?" "Ask me why." " Why?" " 'Cause she's evil." "Okay, look, Molly, look, come here..." "Come on, come on... come on, come on." "Come on, come on... (giggles)" "I appreciate you not killing her." "Well, how could I?" "I couldn't get a silver bullet or a wooden stake at this time of night." "Not even... the cab driver didn't even know, and they know everything." "Everything." "(giggles)" "Well, good." "At least you did take a cab." "I had to." "I had seven beers and a half a cap of cough syrup." "(laughs)" "Ooh, I am flying." "Are... are... are you gonna be okay or you need me to take you to the bathroom?" "I'm fine." "I'm good." "Walnut?" "I got a..." "I got a pocket full of them 'cause your mom started throwing them at my head by my fourth beer." "Do you want to know why?" "Ask me why." "'Cause she's evil?" "(quietly):" "That's what I was gonna say." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Come on, come on..." "No, no, no, no..." "No!" "No!" "(knocking on door)" "Made it in today, huh?" "I figured the way you were knocking 'em back last night, you'd either be laid out in a gutter or drying out in a rehab." "If that's for me, no, thank you." "Everything I put down today wants to come back up." "Give it a taste later." "It's my first attempt at a low-cal cake." "You know, for Mikey's birthday." "Look, Peggy, we tried, we failed." "Let's just forget about having a party." "Listen, I know I can be a stubborn old mule, but Mikey's my only baby." "It's fine." "No, it's not." "He's your husband, and I need to be respectful of that and figure out a way to share him." "I think I still might be drunk." "What do you say we work together on this thing and give the boy a wonderful birthday party?" "Are you drunk?" "Seriously, you take the lead." "I'll just be the sidekick." "You're the motorcycle;" "I'm the sidecar." "Really?" "Always wanted a daughter." "Lord knows I couldn't do better than a sweet gal like you." "Sure." "And when you kids finally do bless me with a grand-baby, which I know you will," "I want to be the best damn grandma I can be." "(voice breaking):" "I better get going before the waterworks start." "(quietly):" "What is going on?" "Oh, the cake is probably poisoned." "MIKE:" "Really?" "Aw, that's great." "So you got it all worked out." "See, she's not so bad." "I told you, if you were the bigger person, eventually, she'd come around." "All right, I'll see you tonight, Mom." "The party's back on." "7:00, my place." "Hey, wait for me in the car." "I'm gonna pay the check." "Since when have you ever paid for anyth..." "So that explains it." "Don't tell her about your toe fungus." "(quietly):" "I don't have toe fungus." "Namaste, pretty lady." "Hello." "Oh, and may I say," "I think it is very brave what you are doing." "Oh, well, being a police officer is scary, but not as scary as a city without heroes." "No." "I mean your decision to have sexual reassignment surgery." "To become the woman you were born to be." "What the hell are you talking about?" "Hello, Carlita." "I showed her the pictures." "That picture's from Halloween." "We went as Ike and Tina Turner, and I was Tina because my legs are better." "She does have beautiful legs, completely hairless." "I shaved them for Halloween." "Excuse me for committing to a costume." "You don't need to be ashamed, Carlita, as soon you will be free, after the doctor has removed that tiny penis you hate so much." "You're the tiny penis I hate so much." "Tina Turner, the international superstar?" ""Private Dancer"?" ""Proud Mary"?" "♪ I left a good job for the city ♪" "♪ Workin' for the man ♪" "♪ Every night and day ♪" "♪ Big wheel keep on turn... ♪" "Tina Turner?" "♪ Rollin' ♪" "♪ Rollin' on the river ♪" "♪ Do-do, do-do-do-do ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah... yeah, yeah... ♪" "You got to imagine me with the blond wig and my butt sticking out." "(singing "Proud Mary" melody)" "Poor thing." "She's been trapped in that idiot's body for so long." "♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪" "♪ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ♪" "♪ And we're rollin' ♪" "♪ Rollin', rollin' on the river... !" "♪" "Just so I'll know when he opens it, what did we get the big guy?" "I thought the party was canceled, so I didn't get him squat." "Don't worry... this is the reason" "I always keep a dozen canned hams in the trunk of my car." "Say it's from both of us." "Can I get in on that?" " Happy birthday!" " There he is." "MIKE:" "All right," "I see Jim, but I don't see Molly or my mom." "Should I be worried?" "Hey, there's our birthday boy." "Happy birthday, son!" "(gentle laugh) Hi." "This looks amazing, ladies." "You did all of this just for me?" "Oh, well, I was really just more the prep chef." "Your mother is the culinary artist in the family." "Don't sell yourself short, toots." "You make a hell of a radish rose." "I'm surprised a bee didn't land on it." "Wow, seeing the two of you getting along is the best birthday present a guy could ask for." "Well, then I guess I'll return your vibrating neck pillow." "I'm kidding." "I got him a summer sausage sampler." "We got him ham." "And cake, right?" "We're still having cake?" "Uh, not the one you want." "Since you told me to be the bigger person," "I let her have her low-cal crap." "Bigger person?" "Did you tell her to be the bigger person?" "Uh..." "Did I?" "You sure did." "Said you were too pigheaded to ever change." "Oh, he said that about me?" "He said the same thing to me about you." "You what?" "♪ Happy birthday to me ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to me... ♪" "You're gonna have to go back to the party eventually." "At least unwrap the gift I got you." "Or I can hitchhike to Wisconsin, change my name, start a whole new life." "(laughs)" "Your mom and Molly would team up just to track you down." "Besides, you're gonna like what I got you." "I'll go back eventually;" "I just wanted one day where they were both getting along with each other." "Something to ask for next year, I guess." "I guess." "(grunts) Yes!" "Free game!" "Good for you, man." "Happy birthday, man." "Thank you, Carlita." "Hey, those are the kind of jokes that keep a man from getting his own soft serve ice cream machine." "You're kidding; you got me an ice cream machine?" "Yeah, and if I get anything less than a foosball table next year, you better move to Wisconsin."