"( theme song playing )" "Hmm." "Interesting, very interesting." "Hmm." "( yawns )" "Concentration, Hogan-- that's the answer." "And knowing exactly what to look for." "Mm-hmm." "Yep." "You're so right, Commandant." "My move?" "Not... quite." "Your dinner, Herr Kommandant." "Mm-hmm!" "I've got you." "Checkmate." "How do you do it, sir?" "That's fantastic!" "It's very simple, Hogan:" "I play chess exactly like I run Stalag 13-- eyes open, watching your every move." "I, uh... must say, Commandant," "I wish you wouldn't eat when you play." "You got grease all over these pieces." "I did?" "Mm-hmm." "The way you wolfed that chicken leg down-- bad for the digestion." "I'm still hungry." "Well, you left your vegetables and potato." "If you're going to leave that much food," "I'm going to bring a doggy bag over here." "( knock at door )" "Come in." "Excuse me, sir." "Colonel Hogan, you're needed at the hut." "Okay." "Another game later, Commandant?" "Hogan, when will you ever give up, huh?" "Beat you again, Colonel?" "Uh-huh." "Sir, you're letting our side down." "( laughing )" "Have Kinch pass those train schedules on to headquarters, huh?" "What's up?" "Message from London." "One of our agents posing as a German officer got himself wounded." "Where is he?" "Well, they're going to bring him into a local hospital." "He's got a lot of top secret information." "And they want us to get it?" "Right." "The only thing is, how do we get into a German hospital?" "Have to visit a sick German." "They won't let a prisoner in to see a Kraut." "They will if it's Klink." "He's not sick." "No, but he's going to be." "The contact's name is Major Zimmer." "Recognition code, one word:" "Moonglow." "He's got important information." "London wants it fast." "They always do." "Tell them we'll try." "May one inquire how you expect to get into that hospital?" "Klink's going to be our ticket, I hope." "Colonel Hogan, Commandant Klink wants his car." "Help yourself, Schultz, and good luck to you." "Hey, guys, what are you doing?" "NEWKIRK:" "Who?" "Us?" "Well, what does it look like we're doing, Schultz?" "We are building a giant metal Wiener schnitzel." "Oh, come on." "And then we send it to Hitler." "For his birthday." "Ridiculous." "But it's not bad." "Schultz, we're repairing the bloody commandant's car, aren't we?" "And the commandant wants it right away!" "Well, it's not ready!" "Well, he must have it right away!" "His orders." "He can't have it!" "What do you mean, he can't have it?" "Donnerwetter!" "No, actually it's wheel bearing trouble." "Commandant Klink is going to kill me." "It's war, Schultzy." "You should have thought of that, mate, before you marched into Poland." "Schultz!" "Trouble." "Trouble, trouble!" "Why isn't the car ready?" "H-Herr Kommandant, it is them." "They... they... ( stammering ):" "they... they didn't!" "HOGAN:" "Commandant-- the men are sorry." "They're trying to do a good job and it takes time." "Mm-hmm-- up to your old tricks again, Hogan, huh?" "Me, sir?" "Hogan, you'll never learn." "I'm on to you." "If your purpose is to delay the German war machine, it won't work." "Schultz, my motorcycle." "SCHULTZ:" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "I wouldn't do that, sir." "I mean, it's in need of repair." "Huh!" "It's not safe." "Sir!" "Hogan, stop your foolish little game." "It won't work." "I'm on to your every thought." "When will you learn that the German mind is superior?" "Schultz, let's go." "Don't move, sir." "Don't move." "Hogan, this is your fault." "My fault?" "I told you not to take it." "Carter, you'd better get an ambulance." "I don't need an ambulance, I'm all right." "All right?" "That's the worst case of whiplash I've ever seen." "Here, does that hurt?" "Yes!" "Oh, boy, it's not just whiplash, probably brain damage, too." "Hurry, Carter, hurry!" "Why didn't he believe me?" "Why?" "I'll tell you why-- because he's a stubborn, mean, rotten, old..." "Schultz!" "I'm surprised at you." "Aren't you even going to visit him in the hospital?" "I know he'd love to see a friendly face." "Hmm." "That leaves me out." "I wouldn't waste my time going to see him for anything in the world." "Okay, Schultz." "He'll recover, come back here and remember you didn't visit him." "So what?" "So how are things at Stalingrad?" "I'll go and pick up some nice flowers on my way." "Mind if I come along?" "You, Colonel Hogan?" "Klink needs us, Schultz." "I know my visit will mean a lot-- to both of us." "Just a minute, Schultz." "Excuse me." "Could you tell me what room Major Zimmer's in?" "Zimmer?" "Oh, yes, he's one of the wounded on the train arriving at 10:00 tonight." "10:00 tonight." "Thank you." "Who is Major Zimmer?" "Oh, just a friend." "How did you know he was going to be here?" "Letter from home." "But if he was just wounded..." "Air mail." "Oh." "Do I feel feverish to you?" "WOMAN:" "No, Colonel." "Oh, it's probably your presence." "You don't mind if I call you Gerta, do you?" "Oh, what a lovely little hand." "You have visitors, Colonel." "Visitors?" "Herr Kommandant, Sergeant Schultz reporting for a visit-- one visit." "What are you doing here?" "You're responsible for my being here." "How are they treating you, sir?" "You feeling well?" "You tried to kill me, that's what you did." "That's cruel, sir, and I don't deserve it!" "You deserve it, you deserve it." "I know we're enemies, but... well, it's... it's like Wellington felt about Napoleon-- he fought him, but he had to admire the mind." "Napoleon?" "I know it's wrong, but, in a way, I've put you on a pedestal." "I had no idea, Hogan." "Colonel, the results of your tests are in-- all negative." "And Dr. Klaus says you may leave." "Thank you, Nurse Gerta." "Schultz, check with the orderly and see what they've done with my uniform." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Oh, Herr Kommandant, if you keep any records, will you please put me down for one visit?" "You can't leave, Colonel." "You're not well." "You have a head injury, whiplash." "You should be under observation." "Oh, yes." "For days." "Mm-hmm." "Weeks, months." "At least until 10:00 tonight." "I think Dr. Klaus knows what he's doing." "Which patient are you talking about?" "Klink, Klink-- Wilhelm Klink." "He's in room 216." "Don't give up, Doctor." "I know these hands can save him." "Ja, ja, danke." "Klink, huh?" "Uh-huh." "Wilhelm Klink." "Wilhelm..." "Ja, ja, here." "He's leaving us today." "Oh, it's much too soon." "I don't know how you could even consider releasing him." "Well, we are not forcing him out." "If the colonel feels that he is not ready to leave, we would insist that he stay." "Thank you, Dr. Klaus, thank you." "Hogan!" "Why are you trying to make me stay here, huh?" "Why?" "No use trying to outsmart you, but I had to try." "She was desperate." "She begged me." "I..." "I couldn't refuse." ""She"?" "Gerta, your nurse." "I found her crying in the linen closet." "Poor kid, she heard you were leaving." "Something about a woman's tears." "But why would Gerta...?" "You underestimate yourself, Commandant." "She lost her heart." "She did?" "Anything... anything just to spend one evening with you-- to have those lifelong memories with her forever." "I told her I'd try." "I see." "All that affection just waiting to be released." "But you know best." "Your uniform, Herr Kommandant." "Put it in the closet, Schultz." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "I won't be leaving right away." "* Ba-dum, ba-dum, da, da." "Oh, Hogan, you could have told me that to begin with." "I understand these things." "Yeah, just be gentle, sir." "She deserves it." "( chuckling )" "What are you doing here?" "Oh, Dr. Klaus wants you to have a copy of his book." "He's giving them to everyone in the hospital." "Where's my Nurse Gerta?" "Oh, she's off duty." "I'm taking her place." "If you need anything, just call me." "She gave up hope, poor kid." "Schultz, bring me my uniform." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And hurry up about it." "Jawohl." "I can't wear that!" "Go back to camp, get me a fresh uniform, and take Hogan with you." "Out!" "CARTER:" "I can't understand it." "How could Klink go through a crash like that and not break anything?" "Luck of the Irish." "My fault, I guess" "I just didn't sabotage that bloody motorcycle enough." "Next time, try for a collarbone or a wrist or something." "I'm a soldier, not a surgeon!" "All right!" "Forget it." "We got a problem." "Right." "Klink's leaving the hospital, so how do we get in there tonight to contact Zimmer?" "It's simple-- get somebody else admitted to the hospital." "Somebody else?" "Just who did you have in mind?" "I'm busy." "And besides, I'm too healthy." "Well, who's going to volunteer to jump off the roof?" "Come on, guys, what's one little broken leg for the war effort?" "( chuckles )" "Sprained ankle?" "( sighs )" "Sore throat?" "Anybody?" "Would you like to pick your own sickness?" "It's no good." "Anyway, that hospital is only for Luftwaffe officers." "They wouldn't send any of us there." "LeBeau's right-- we've had it." "Looks like we're dead." "Not dead, maybe a little sick." "What if we picked one of the doctor's favorite diseases, huh?" "We might get his interest." "How's that one sound?" ""One of the rare diseases of the far north is polaris extremis." ""It is found only among Eskimos." ""Symptoms are pain in nerve endings in fingers," ""craving for greens in the diet, peripheral motor vascular spasms in anterior mandible cartilage."" "Ho-ho-- sounds a bit naughty, doesn't it?" "It's interesting, though." "Yeah, I think the butler did it." "A guy could get sick just reading the symptoms." "All right, all right, come on, come on-- read it." "This is the important part." "Right, sir." ""Only known effective treatment for polaris extremis is extended bed rest in hospital."" "That's it." "I don't get it." "You don't, but I do." "Kinch, notify London tonight." "LeBeau, get out my old parka." "Newkirk, you're going to the hospital with me." "You're going to bring the message back." "Now, let's go over the symptoms again." "Colonel, are you going to get that polaris extremis?" "That's right, Carter." "Boy, that's tough." "Why?" "Well, I don't think your insurance covers it." "You are fine now, Colonel, but take it easy for the next few days, ja?" "Ja, ja, ja." "( knock at door )" "Come, come." "Ah, my uniform." "Good, good." "Ah, it's good to see you're fully recovered, Colonel." "Iron constitution-- clean living does it every time, Schultz." "Hogan, what are you doing here?" "Herr Kommandant, please, I told him..." "I had to come, Colonel." "I found the man responsible for the motorcycle." "I want him to see the pain and suffering caused by his criminal negligence." "You!" "In here." "Do you see what you've done?" "Well, I've never been any good, have I?" "I've been a bad'n all me life." "I have a nephew like him." "It's terrible!" "Shut up." "The men hoped you'd give him severe punishment, sir." "I'll take care of this at Stalag 13." "We certainly want to thank you, Doctor, for all that you've done for him." "It's nothing." "By the way, as long as I'm here," "I thought you might..." "Eskimo." "Oh, it's a little something my mother made for me." "Helps fight off the cold." "( gasps )" "What is it?" "Oh, it's just the usual-- peripheral motor vascular spasms." "Are you all right now?" "Mandible cartilage kicking up again." "There is a lot of that going around nowadays." "You know, I have always been interested in Eskimo life." "Ja, I spent three years in Alaska, near Anchorage." "Really?" "Maybe you met my grandmother." "She was one of the Anchorage Eskimos." "Ah." "I suppose not-- big country." "Yes, yeah." "You know, I have written a book about medicine in the Arctic." "Oh, really?" "Uh, you... you have pain in your fingertips?" "No, it's not a problem, just... just hangnails." "What was that you said about mandible cartilages?" "Oh, just the usual-- peripheral motor vascular spasms." "It's really not that bad-- I took a couple of aspirin." "( whimpers )" "You should drink plenty of water." "( softly ):" "Is it possible?" "One moment, please." "Let me see here." "Motor vascular..." "mandible cartilages..." "Where is it?" "Page 87." "Ja, ja." "There it is." "I knew there was something." "Colonel!" "You have polaris extremis!" "And I thought he was just hungry." "What is this?" "He has got to stay here." "Polaris extremis." "Hogan?" "Impossible." "Herr Kommandant, you should see his fingers and his stomach." "And he ate the doctor's plant." "Oh, he is a very sick man." "Are you sure, Doctor?" "Absolutely-- he must not leave." "You know, this is my very first case of polaris extremis." "Well, if you really think so." "Ja, ja, ja." "Now, Schultz, you take the other one, the criminal." "We're going back to camp." "Colonel, couldn't he stay with me?" "I mean, he's not much, but..." "he is one of my kind." "Just in case." "I see absolutely no reason..." "I came to be with you, and now you deny me a friend?" "Well, perhaps a few hours." "But that's all!" "I am Major Zimmer." "Oh, yes." "Room 216, Major." "Danke." "Zimmer's here, sir." "He's in room 216 just down the hall." "Oh, Colonel Hogan." "Kommandant Klink wants me to take Newkirk back to camp." "Thank you." "Do you feel better?" "Oh, much better." "Much better." "Terrible." "Please, sir, you've had enough." "Could we be alone for a few more minutes, Schultz?" "Well, I..." "I'm making out my will-- it's rather personal." "Oh, your will." "Well.... ten minutes, hurry up." "Good, good." "Well, how do we get in Zimmer's room?" "The window?" "There's no ledge, I've checked it." "There's got to be a... ( glass tinkling )" "Get in bed, quick!" "I'm on my way." "Schultz is out there, sir." "You just can't walk out." "That's right." "Why walk when I can take the trolley?" "Guten Tag." "Fruit juice, Colonel Hogan." "Oh, would you like me to put your flowers in the water?" "( imitating Hogan ):" "No, thanks, I'll eat them here." "Oh... oh, I'm so sorry." "Oh, that's perfectly all right." "May I help you, please?" "Oh, danke, Sergeant." "Mmm." "Major Zimmer?" "Ja?" "Here's some fruit juice for you." "I am your night nurse." "If you need anything, just ring the bell and I'll bring it to you, all right?" "Danke." "( door shuts )" "Zimmer." "Who are you?" "Papa Bear, your contact." "Code name:" "Moonglow." "Come on, we haven't got much time." "All right." "The battleship Tirpitz is making a run for the open sea tonight." "If she gets loose in the Murmansk convoys, they are finished." "They have got to get her tonight." "I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan, but I have to pick up Newkirk, so if you will..." "Where is Newkirk?" "Newkirk, where are you?" "!" "Where is Newkirk, Colonel Hogan, please...!" "Oh... ( chuckles )" "Thank goodness." "( chuckling )" "For a minute I thought you were not here." "Oh, I'm here." "This is me, all right, Schultz." "Good." "( chuckling )" "If it's you... where is he?" "He who?" "He Hogan, that's he..." "I mean who." "Where were you, Schultz?" "Fine guard you are." "You came out, I came in, I didn't see..." "Yeah." "How come?" "Can Newkirk stay a little longer?" "Absolutely not!" "Come on, let's go!" "All right, well, here's the will." "Get it notarized and send it to my lawyer in London." "Will do, sir." "KLAUS:" "Halt!" "This man must not leave." "Your sickness may be contagious." "You are to stay here for a few days under observation." "Right, it's a marvelous idea." "We'll start first thing in the morning." "You must not leave this room, and that is an order." "( sighs )" "Well, that's it, we've had it." "We've got the bloody information;" "now we can't get it back to camp." "Are you kidding?" "I didn't get polaris extremis for nothing." "We'll get it back." "How?" "Klink." "He got us here in the first place, he'll get us home again." "I didn't know you Eskimos were so clever." "( sighs )" "( phone ringing )" "Colonel Klink's office." "Hello, Hilda?" "This is Colonel Hogan." "It's for me, Colonel." "It's personal." "Yes?" "Listen, I want you to say my name-- not too soft, not too loud." "Hogan?" "We're escaping from the hospital tonight-- out the window." "I'll send you some nylon stockings from England." "We're on our way." "( phone line clicks )" "I knew, I knew." "I've got him." "All right, leave it there so they'll see it." "Right." "Herr Kommandant, it must be a mistake." "Colonel Hogan is a very sick man." "You watch, they'll come out of that window." "But, Herr Kommandant, their room is on the other side." "Nonsense, that's the one." "( trash can crashes )" "What was that?" "A garbage can." "The things you have to do these days to make an unsuccessful escape." "Come on." "( tromping loudly )" "( Hogan clears throat loudly )" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "You didn't have to do it twice!" "I didn't do it twice." "You..." "Halt!" "There they are!" "Don't take another step!" "Good try, Hogan, but not good enough." "Uh... we were just out taking a walk." "Could we go back to the hospital?" "I don't feel well." "No more!" "Oh, you can fool Schultz, you can fool the doctors, but you can't fool me, Hogan." "Your plan failed, do you hear?" "It failed." "You are going back to camp now, this instant." "How do you like that?" "You win again." "How does he do it?" "How does he do it?" "It's uncanny, sir, uncanny." "( loudly ):" "Did you fix the commandant's car?" "LeBEAU:" "Boy, did I fix it." "HOGAN:" "Good." "Colonel Hogan!" "Yes?" "Colonel Hogan, you're not resentful because I prevented your escape from the hospital, are you?" "No, sir." "You wouldn't try to do anything to get even, would you?" "Never." "But you did know" "I was taking a drive this afternoon... along the river road..." "the steep hills?" "Yes, sir." "I've changed my mind." "No." "Changed your mind?" "You are taking a drive this afternoon." "Oh, no." "And you will sit where I would have been." "Oh..." "I can't." "I'm restricted to the motor pool." "The restriction has been revoked." "Get in." "Schultz, drive!" "SCHULTZ:" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "( horn beeps twice )" "Twice around the park, Schultz." "( car drives away )" "I thought you said you fixed the car." "I did fix it." "It's perfect."