"She's left me for another man." "That's impossible." "I'm a policeman, son, and the evidence is all too clear." "An answerphone message, two empty wine glasses... and now this." "(Joyce) "My darling Jeremy," ""l must go away for a while but please remember that I love you always." ""Look after Bill." "Love, your everlasting poppet, Joyce."" "Doesn't actually mention anyone else." "I couId smell him when I walked in the house." " smell him?" " He's a cheese importer, bill." "A French cheese importer." "I always knew Mum liked France but this..." "I couId have been more cheese orientated if she'd wanted." "Don't worry, Dad." "We'II get her back." "Good morning, Joyce." "AII of you, put your hands up." "I brought you decaf." "Is that OK?" "You don't really think I'd leave a loaded gun in the boot with a trained assassin, do you?" "I've told you a hundred times, I'm a police inspector's wife, not an assassin." "tell me something, does your husband really have no idea what you do?" "I am so excited." "Me too, Margaret." "Me too." "The premier wildlife protection event of the little Stempington calendar, organised and hosted by me." "Mm." "Doesn't get more glamorous than that." "And it looks like the stars have come out in force to donate too." "I hope your relationship with camilla Diamond is a strong one, Joyce, because, if not...this may be the Iast phone call you ever make." "camilla Diamond." "Oh, hello, Joyce." "He's about to kill you?" "Oh, no, that is such a shame." "I'd love to be able to help but I'm afraid I'm descaIing the kettle." "She says she hasn't got it." "What the fuck is it with you women?" " Are you going to kill me now?" " Not until I get my fucking money." " Your mum's a real dark horse." " What do you mean?" "I always thought she was a bit of a frump but this is just out there." " She just isn't herself." " What if she really is herself, bill?" "What if this French guy's tapped into her G-spot?" "Whatever you're trying to say, it isn't helping." "Maybe you should just leave me to find her on my own." "No way." "This is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in ages." "EmiIe, how nice to hear from you again." "How's that little leg of yours?" "The money?" "Yes." "I'm afraid I haven't got it but I may know somebody who does." "The village hall?" "You think I'm stupid enough to walk into another trap?" "I'II see you there at 2pm." "Try not to be late." "Greenhouse emissions, ladies and gentlemen, aren't the only thing that kill migrating birds and badgers." "It's Iow-cost, singIe-toiIet housing with all the associated fast-food outlets and teenage pregnancy that's also to blame for wiping out our wildlife friends." "So when you see Dame Judy Dench's snooker cue come up for auction, don't just think of it as buying a piece of theatrical history, think of it as preventing an otter from choking on a housing benefit cheque." "I want that French Freddy Krueger turned into gazpacho when he shows up." "I had a feeling today was going to be something special." "What if he's got heavy-duty backup?" "Then the little Stempington street cleaning unit is going to be getting some overtime." "When I get hold of this bloke, I'II kick his head in." " What if he's a midget?" " He shouldn't have run off with my mum." "Oh, hang on." "Isn't that your mum in that car over there?" "I can't believe it." "He's flaunting her like a trophy girlfriend." "Oh, God, no." " What?" " My son bill, he's coming over." "Get rid of him." " Get out of the car." " bill, please." "Mum, what are you playing at?" "Show him, Joyce." "Kiss me, cherie." "Otherwise he's chopped liver." "This is a mind blower." "Say goodbye to Mummy now, bill." "The important thing for you to know is your father and I still love you." "AIIons-y." "There you go, sir." "That should sort you out." "I don't think tea'II do it this time, Haines." "Happened to my brother's wife when she hit the menopause." "One minute she's fine, next minute she's quilting anoraks for dogs." "It's not just Joyce I'm worried about." "It's bill." "I don't want him growing up thinking his mother's a..." "Froggy-Ioving nutter, sir." "Yeah." "Do you want a biscuit?" "Yeah." "Stay here and do your thing when they arrive." "£50 for JK rowling's Dustbuster." "Any advance on £50?" "Gone to the lady in the third row with the big nose." "Lot 24...a pair of Rod Stewart's underpants." "Worn during a charity football tournament in 1))8." "Now, I've been asked, by a mystery donor, to bid for this item myself, on their behalf, using the cash inside this bag." "I'm going to start the bidding at, Iet's say," "£ 20,000." "Any advance?" "Going, going..." "Can I make an advance on that please?" "That's his car." "Oh!" "So nice to see you AngIo-Saxon peasants again but forgive me for saying... that I hope this...is the Iast fucking time." "AIIons-y." " Oh, my God, what's he doing to Mum?" " I don't know." "He's got my bag with the money in it." " Oh!" " AII right, poppet." "The ambulance is on its way." "I'II be back." " Oh!" " Good work, sir." "You never lose it, Haines." "Looks like some sort of explosion went off, sir." "LiIIian, this wasn't the plan." "You were supposed to finish them off." "The Semtex passed its seII-by date." "I thought I was getting a bargain." "This town is like a... a swan gliding across a lake." "Above the surface... it's beautiful and perfect." "But beneath the water is... is a very different story." "The housewives of little Stempington are hardcore drug smugglers." "They contact me and pay £300,000 to buy 60,000 industriaI-strength oestrogen patches." "Except they don't pay." "They shoot me in the leg with machine guns in a cheese warehouse... and kill two of my men." "What a load of French bollocks." "I really expected more from the notorious EmiIe Lesoux, international drug dealer." " Drug facilitator." "There's a difference." " Housewives with machine guns?" " It's original, I'II give you that." " Not just any housewife." "Your housewife Joyce, she is the ringleader." "Sounds like he's been sampling his own merchandise, sir." "I think we've heard enough, don't you?" "Oh, Jerry, it's all been a dreadful misunderstanding." "Poor Joyce, the victim of a French cheese-seIIing stalker." "An absolutely awful shock." "It seriously damages our chances for Best Town In bloom next year." "I blame camilla for buying soft cheese direct from a foreign supplier." "well, here I am, all alone in a tiny room with two grown men." "It was just like Crimewatch." "especially the explosion in the car park afterwards." "You'II never break me." "Are there any more almond macaroons?" "In your own time, poppet." "Oh, I feel so silly." "EmiIe was using us as mules to smuggle drugs into this country." "We didn't know he'd hidden oestrogen patches inside Iumps of camembert." " Where are the patches now?" " Erm..." "I think they were in the car when it blew up." "And you and him, bill said he saw you kissing?" "He had a gun." "I had to do what he wanted." " It's over now." "It's over." "please, can we now finally leave this horrible town?" "The front door was open." "I wanted to see how Joyce was doing." "I'II leave you two to catch up." "It's a good job she's got great friends like you, camilla." "Thanks." " How are you, Joyce?" " You needn't worry." " I didn't tell him anything." " Oh, I didn't think you would." ""Drug-deaIing policeman's Wife In French Gangster Shame"?" "Not a pretty headline in the daily mail." "Neither is "evil MiddIe-Aged Woman Found Shot Through The Head" ""Wearing Too Much Make-Up."" "Barbara...how did the auction go?" "I hear Fergie's royal breast pump sold for nearly £40." "I brought some KendaI Mint Cake, very good for nasty shocks." "You must eat a chunk every time you look in the mirror." "probably explains why you're the size you are." " This isn't over." " Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Why can't you just put your guns away and live like nice normal people?" "None of us here would ever have dreamt that our dear little town would have become the focus for armed criminals, who sought to challenge our decent and..." "Iaw-abiding way of Iife." "But we're the lucky ones." "Why?" "Because this town has a resident whose job it is to protect us, a man who defends our values as well as our consumer durables." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "Jeremy HazIedine." "Oh, oh." "And I'd Iike to thank Barbara for allowing me to hold this soiree in her delightful, oIder-styIe home." "(Muted applause)" "This is the key..." "to our beloved little Stempington." "Thank you all so much." "Thank you." "This is making me feel sick to the core." "Just keep a brave face on it, Joyce." "The lid has to be kept on little Stempington." "apparently, Jerry's really fond of his malt whisky." "Why don't you slip off to the den with him and Stu and give them a shot of your 12-year-oId GIenmorangie." "Nice idea." "AII the boys sneaking off for a drop of the hard stuff." "Like it." "Come on through, guys." "You're going to love this stuff, Jerry." "You know, life is going to be marginally less interesting without you in town." " I'm sure you'II get used to it." " Oh, yes, I'm sure I will." "especially with Barbara inside." " What?" " Yes, Joyce." "I think Jeremy's about to gather the evidence he needs to make an arrest right about now." "Tastes like a decaying peat bog." "I doubt she'II get more than a couple of months for smuggling a few oestrogen patches." "Just enough time for me to get my next business venture up and running." " Which is?" " We're getting into vice." "A contact of ours in belarus is already on the case." "OK, Mrs HazIedine, I'II be right outside." "She gives you any trouble, just give me a shout, OK?" "I'II hit her with the Taser." "It should be camilla in this cell, not you." "That's just the way it goes." "She may have won this battle but she certainly hasn't won the war." "Oh, but surely now it's all over?" "You're about to go to prison, Barbara." "But you're not, Joyce." "You're not." "This town needs you." "The girls need you." "You're smart." "You're strong." " But I..." " Think about it." "Margaret LittIefair... a good, honest, fearless woman." "Keeps on firing long after she's taken a bullet." "True, she can't hit a bus at five feet but that's not the point." "But then there's Pam Draper... kind, devoted, one of the best dirty street fighter I've ever seen." "She can break your arm in three places and still look like she's just had a facial." "Who's going to lead them when I'm inside?" "You're back early." "I couldn't resist coming home to the most beautiful woman in little Stempington." " Good day at work?" " The crime may have vanished but the paperwork certainly hasn't." "You still not found anything?" "If it's all right with you, I've changed my mind." "I think we should stay." "really?" "What's brought this on?" "I don't know." "I just felt we might be making a mistake." "would you get that, darling?" "I've got my hands full."