"* All right!" "* Hey!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "What do you think of my office, Ma?" "I love it." "And look at your view." "You can see all those kids smoking." "Bonnie, get a picture of me and the vice-principal on the detention couch." "BONNIE:" "Oh." "Come on." "Look stern." "EDDIE:" "Woodcock, we got a problem." "Time to put out another fire, Ma." "Yeah, cart 7-A is officially dead." "Your complaint is noted." "I'll bring it up at the next equipment and facilities brunch." "Oh, you mean when you bring a box of mini donuts down to Tom in the boiler room?" "Called working the system, Eddie." "You should try it sometime." "Oh, Eddie, meet my mom, Bonnie." "Mom, this is my neighbor Eddie, the one I was telling you about." "Oh." "Yeah, you're right." "He is sort of handsome." "Well, thank you, Woodcock." "That wasn't the only thing I said." "Well, it was so nice to meet you." "Oh, the pleasure's all mine, Mrs. W." "Well, we should get going." "Our nail appointment's at 10:00." "And after that, we're gonna hit the sale rack at Mervyn's." "My treat." "Bye, sweetie." "Bye-bye." "Nice to meet you." "A pleasure." "(SIGHS)" "There they go." "Two best girls." "Yeah, it's quite a picture." "It's a shame they hate each other." "What?" "Well, it's not just them." "It's universal." "The mother and the wife are bitter enemies." "Always have been, always will be." "It's God's way." "Well, my mom and Steph, they love each other." "No, they don't." "Look, here's the thing." "Now that you're married, there's two Mrs. Woodcocks, and that's far too many." "Well, one's my wife and the other's my mother." "And they still need to prove who's the alpha female, like two she-wolves fighting over the bloated carcass of a dead caribou." "Only the bloated carcass is you." "You make it sound so..." "Primal?" "Savage?" "Oh, you betcha." "What's going on in there, Woodcock?" "Let me in." "I was just wondering if I have the authority to transfer you to another district." "Oh, I know it's hard to hear, but it's all true." "Well, I don't think you're right." "Oh, I am right." "I'm as right as I am handsome." "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "*" "Oh..." "Oh..." "What a great dinner, huh?" "It was delicious." "Oh, it was." "I love Chinese food." "And you know what?" "An orange for dessert is plenty." "Oh, and I'm sorry you didn't get to order your dumplings, Steph." "It's okay." "Those cold noodles you wanted to try were great." "You know what else is great, guys?" "This." "This right here." "God, this triangle of love." "(LOUD BANG)" "(HORN HONKING)" "Anybody want ice cream?" "All right." "Good night, Ma." "Hey, I left a bottle of water by your bed just in case you get thirsty." "Look at Mr. Rockefeller with his bottled water." "I love you." "Have a good night." "(BLOWING KISS) Hey, this was fun." "Yeah." "Well, uh, hey, she seems all set." "Yeah, you know, I thought the bottle of water by the bed was a good idea, you know." "Chinese food always makes me thirsty." "Isn't it funny how it does that?" "Mmm-hmm." "Wow, it is getting late." "Hey, you know what we get to do tonight." "We get to try the new air mattress." "Ooh!" "It's bouncy, huh?" "Hey, we could pretend we're elves making love on a big marshmallow." "Or we could play that fun little game we played earlier." "You know, the one where we're caught in the crossfire outside of Woo's Palace and you save your mother and leave me for dead." "What?" "What, is that how you read that?" "Come here, you." "Okay, Jeff, we are not having sex as elves, or humans or anything else right now." "Honey, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?" "I mean, it was a scooter backfiring." "Well, it sounded like gunshots." "I don't think it did." "I can't believe this." "You would take a bullet for her, but me, you just push to the side." "She was nearest to the shooter." "And she's old." "She can't run." "Oh, she had no trouble running through that sale at Mervyn's to get to the London Fog raincoat rack." "Honey, I just..." "I heard a noise and I acted on instinct." "Yeah, your instinct was to protect your mom, just like your instinct was to sell me down the river when I wanted to order my dumplings." "Aha!" "Yeah." "See, I knew that was bothering you." "You know as well as I do that we all agreed on the noodles." "No." "You and your mother voted against me." "That's when I went dead inside." "Honey, hey, honey, look, I'm sorry." "Look, I'll do anything to make it up to you, I swear." "From now on, it's all about you." "BONNIE:" "Jeffy, do you have an extra pillow?" "Hey, are you using that other one just for reading?" "I'll give her mine." "Where's the milk?" "It was either my cereal or your coffee." "My cereal won." "Want me to scoop out a little?" "I don't want your used milk." "It's fine." "It's pink." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Who's this?" "Sorry, I'm a little early for car pool, but things are kind of tense at my place." "Want me to get you some coffee?" "Sure." "Okay, you got it." "Can I get it with just a little milk?" "Here you go." "Yeah." "So to what do we owe this mildly annoying intrusion?" "I kind of had a little problem in Chinatown last night." "Yeah?" "Is the Kung Pao starting to make its move?" "What?" "No." "No." "Well, I kind of thought someone was shooting at us, and it turns out it was just a scooter backfiring, and, well, I dove to save my mom and kind of left Steph for dead." "God, that makes me smile." "Ow!" "What are you trying to do, destroy your marriage?" "No, no, I was just..." "Get this through your skull." "Steph is the most important woman in your life right now, okay?" "There is only one Mrs. Woodcock, one, and that is your wife." "Your mother is now the artist formerly known as Mrs. Woodcock." "Listen to Big Red here." "She speaks the truth." "I mean, what is your mother visiting now for anyway, huh?" "You've been married, what, like, seven minutes?" "You're still laying the groundwork for your marriage." "The foundation isn't dry." "Your wife needs time to..." "Spray her scent?" "What?" "You've got to send your mother home before it gets any worse." "Put that woman on a plane." "Eddie cares very deeply about his mother, but he made it clear early on in our relationship who was number one." "Mom's a fun lady, but she is not my number one." "Ow." "Ow." "Jeff, trust me on this one, okay?" "I got to go to work." "Okay." "Love you." "Okay." "All right, lollipop." "Jeff." "Okay." "I guess I could change her plane ticket, but..." "Don't you dare do that to your mother!" "What?" "You just said to me to put her on a plane." "I don't care what I said in front of her." "That's just what the wives want you to do, send your mom home so they can drive that wedge." "Make you alienate the one woman in the world who loves you more than anything else." "They can't love you like that, and it shames them." "'Cause you gotta get rid of that old woman." "Bye." "Do not get rid of that old woman." "Well, no, maybe if I put my mom on a plane," "Steph will calm down and the whole thing will blow over." "Blow over?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna tell you a story." "The year was 1991." "The place was Papa Lasagna's, home of Papa Lasagna's famous veal lasagna." "I was there with my mother and Joy and Joy orders a personal pan pizza and my mom innocently says," ""I've never seen a woman eat a whole pizza pie."" "And somehow, to Joy, that meant, "Your ass is as big as Kansas."" "Well, you can imagine." "We fought for three months, and I defended my mom and I tried to explain to Joy that she didn't mean anything by it, but at the end of the day, you have to pick a side," "and I picked the one that I liked seeing naked." "Joy." "Oh." "You know, first you tell me not to put my mom on a plane." "Now you're telling me to choose my wife." "I'm totally confused." "All right, all right, look, Woodcock, this is what you do, okay?" "To the outside world, you choose your wife, but you take the relationship with your mother underground." "What do you mean, "underground"?" "Well, you start phoning her from work." "You set up a secret e-mail with a clever username known only to her." "For you, I suggest freddylipswack52." "What?" "It's just a little something I noticed." "You also want to have a secret credit card so you don't need her approval to get your mom special gifts, like that combination TV/VCR so she only has to learn one remote." "Wait." "You have a secret credit card?" "I'll do you one better." "With the miles that I earned on it," "I actually took my mom to Cabo San Lucas on the down-low on what turned out to be one of the most wonderful weekends of both of our lives." "Are you suggesting that I have an affair with my mother?" "That's too creepy." "It can be." "Make sure you get two double beds." "Learn from my mistake." "JEFF:" "I'm sorry I have to send you home." "It's just..." "Steph is still really upset about this whole stupid backfire/gunshot thing." "Yeah." "I took an Ambien around midnight." "Did she ever stop yelling?" "Not so much." "Anyway, you know, you're only leaving a few days early and, hey, you get that nice, leisurely layover, so you can shop and get some lunch..." "Mmm-hmm." "...and maybe some dinner and..." "Wish I was flying through Detroit, I'll tell you that." "Sweetie, don't worry about it." "I got my book of crossword puzzles and my yogurt." "I'll be just fine." "I know, but..." "Oh, Jeffrey, it's important for you and Steph to get your life settled." "I'm in the way right now and I should go so you two can work things out." "Honey, you know I love you more than anything." "Yeah, I know that." "My only goal is to make sure you're happy, even if I'm not there to see it." "You're not going anywhere." "(JINGLE PLAYING)" "I don't know." "Is it evil that I actually let Jeff send his mom away?" "Are you kidding?" "Jeff was gonna let the Chinese guy kill you." "Hey, what are you ladies doing, making a quilt?" "No, Eddie, we're having what's called a conversation." "Okay, geniuses." "I just..." "I still feel kind of guilty." "Steph, let me tell you a little story about mother-in-laws." "When we were first married," "Eddie drags me to this crappy Italian restaurant, Papa Lasagna's, with his mother." "She just can't let it go." "I order this tiny, little personal pan pizza." "She looks me straight in the eye." "Tells me I'm fat." "(CLATTERING)" "Come on, Eddie." "Back me up on this." "Remember how rude she was?" "Yes." "What part of personal pan pizza didn't she understand?" "Well, I should go." "Jeff's gonna be home from the airport soon." "I'll walk you out." "I'm going out." "EDDIE:" "Hallelujah." "Every time I tell the pizza story," "I desperately need to eat a personal pan pizza." "You know what I like to do?" "I like to fold 'em in half and eat 'em like a taco." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "I couldn't do it." "I was on the way to the airport." "I just couldn't do it." "It's not fair to Ma." "Well, good for you, Woodcock." "You did the right thing." "Oh, just wait." "I just..." "I gotta talk this over with Steph, so can I just leave Mom here for a little while?" "(STAMMERS) Wait." "Here?" "That's kind of weird." "You know, there's a Red Roof Inn right near Doylestown." "Eddie, please?" "All right." "I will give your mother safe harbor." "Are you sure about this, Jeff?" "Don't worry, Ma." "He's huge, but he's kind." "Have you been to Cabo?" "Hi, honey, listen, I gotta talk to you for one second." "Baby, I am so sorry about this whole thing." "Oh, so am I. Look..." "I know you love your mother very much, and I should never have put you in the position of having to choose between us." "Really?" "So you didn't want me to put my mom on a plane?" "Oh, no." "I'm so glad you did that." "Now, I just ordered Chinese food, so I can finally get those dumplings and that gives us about a half hour to play elves on a marshmallow." "(GIGGLING)" "Uh..." "Okay." "Eddie?" "Did you clean?" "What is that smell?" "It's so..." "Delicious." "Who are you?" "Oh, this is Jeff's mother from next door." "And look." "She baked a gingerbread Eddie." "It's delicious." "Try one of my arms." "It's very nice to meet you." "You have a lovely home." "Thank you." "I thought Jeff was taking you to the airport." "So did I." "Eddie?" "Oh, excuse us for a moment, won't you, Mother Woodcock?" "Yes?" "Come in here for a second." "Why is Jeff's mother in our kitchen giving you a haircut?" "Well, you know my regular guy is having boyfriend problems." "All right, look." "Jeff just wanted to keep her here until he had an opportunity to go home and explain everything to Steph." "Wait, wait, wait." "Steph doesn't know that she's here?" "Not exactly." "Does she think that his mother's on a plane?" "No comment." "You know what?" "That is it." "I am not going to be a part of lying to Steph about this." "We are taking her back to the..." "Oh, no, you're not." "I'm not gonna allow you to chase another mother out of our house." "What?" "And P.S., my mom never called you fat." "This is not about your mother." "Oh, this is exactly about my mother." "And you wanna know something else?" "Just for the record, the only thing my mom said is a whole pizza just for you seems like a lot of food." "She didn't know what she was saying." "She'd never heard of personal pizzas before." "She came from a generation where pizzas only came in one size." "Huge!" "And I suppose she didn't mean anything by it when she snorted when I sprinkled a teensy bit of Parmesan on top of it." "What the hell were you trying to do, set a world record for cheese eating?" "It is a personal pan pizza." "Personal." "Am I crazy, Mrs. Woodcock, or is this not a pizza for one person?" "I wouldn't want to get in the middle of this." "But it does seem like it might be a challenge for a lady to finish that in one sitting." "Get out!" "Get out!" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Just a minute." "You're not Chinese food." "Jeff, I am not gonna be a part of this." "STEPH:" "Part of what?" "What's going on?" "Bonnie?" "Jeff, I thought you took your mom to the airport." "I did." "I mean I was..." "He was hiding her at our house." "Really?" "Yes." "So he came home, lied to me, and then we made love?" "Didn't know that part, but yes." "I can't believe you did this." "How could you lie to me?" "He had no choice." "We all lie." "We have to when you make us take your side over our own mothers." "So he kept his mom at our house for the afternoon." "What's the big deal?" "But married people don't lie to each other." "What?" "Of course we do." "Hell, there was this one time" "I actually told Joy that I was going to a history teacher's symposium and I was actually with my mother in Cabo San Lucas." "Silly question." "Is Joy still here?" "Yep." "Do you happen to own a protective cup?" "All right, what about that one?" "Oh, that's where I bought my mom a day of beauty." "All right, how about this one?" "That was a pair of high-end orthopedic shoes." "Long story short, she's dancing again." "All right, that one." "Oh, that was the commemorative 100th episode" "Matlock box set with an additional commentary from Andy Griffith." "Okay, throw in Cabo." "That's another two grand." "Carry the one, that comes to..." "I'm redoing the kitchen, and I'm buying myself a horse." "A horse?" "Yeah."