"Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(NARRATOR READING)" "(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)" "Yöu're a fucking nerd." "Boy, yöu lucky yöu even graduating." "SCHMIDT:" "Fuck!" "ALL:" "Oh!" "Yöu're good at this, huh?" "Yeah." "Yöu're really good at this." "Yeah." "Hey, yöu want to be friends?" "Yöurs isn't loaded, right?" "(BOTH GAGGING)" "Just touch it." "I'm scared." "Just touch it." "Seriously." "All right, all right, all right." "Yöu took a bullet for me, man." "Yöu shot me in the dick!" "Boom, motherfuckers!" "Yöu two sons of bitches are going to college!" "Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive and is associated with water and femininity." "While, Yang, by contrast, is fast and solid and..." "Man, this is BS." "I thought we were going to actual college, not online college." "Listening for coded messages in lectures." "(SCOFFS) What are yöu talking about?" "Look around." "This is our city." "What do we want to be in college for?" "Yöu're right." "Partners for life." "At Metro city port, the tide comes in at 10:30 A.M." "Then it will return to the sea." "Metro port." "One hour." "♫...♪ let's do this." "♫Turn down for what ♪" "♫turn down for what ♪ surprise." "There's two more arms." "♫...♪" "♫turn down for what ♪" "♫turn down for what ♪ shit!" "That's the ghost." "JENKO:" "The ghost?" "Joste Nillsen, biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Metro city." "He teamed up with a Mexican cartel and they're running all this shit through the port." "What the hell are we supposed to be buying?" "I don't know." "What are yöu doing?" "Huh?" "I got a new identity that's Gonna be killer." "I'll be throwing it to yöu to make it legit." "(SIGHS)" "Okay." "I'm Gonna need yöu to improvise." "Okay?" "I don't want to improvise." "I'm Gonna need yöu to improvise." "I suck at improvising." "I don't want to do it." "I need absolute silence while I fall into character." "I need absolute silence while I fall into character." "Can yöu give me a head start on..." "I need absolute..." "I need absolute silence." "Can yöu please..." "Absolute silence." "♫...♪" "JENKO:" "Are yöu fucking serious right now?" "All right." "I hate people who are late." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "We're trying to see that product." "Shit!" "Yo, sleepy!" "What's up, homie?" "Yöu know my cousin, sad boy." "I think yöu got the wrong guy, homes." "Oh, that's bullshit, man!" "Yöu sleepy!" "Everyone say in the barrio," ""sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine" and shit." "Hey, my partner here, he want to see the product." "Why ain't he talking?" "(IN FOREIGN ACCENT) Mynameis Jeff." "That's Jeffe, man." "Tell 'em about mousie's quinceanera, man." "Tell 'em about that crazy adventure yöu guys had." "I don't know what yöu're talking about." "Oh, man, when yöu were telling the story last night, yöu had so much detail!" "The detail was so rich!" "It was rich detail!" "(STAMMERING)" "Go into incredibly descriptive details of the story, so we all know." "Oh, yes. (SIGHS)" "It was Dora and Diego and Swiper." "Swiper?" "Who was that yöu choked out, man?" "He had it coming!" "Who was that?" "Boots." "No, man, that wasn't boots!" "Boots isn't a real name!" "Yöu got to tell them the real story, man." "Start over from the top." "That's a made-up name." "I can't believe the punks I have to deal with these days." "It really makes me miss the '90s, when we had professionals around." "Yöu want to check out the goods?" "Check it out." "And shut up." "Right?" "Where'd yöu find this gringo, man?" "At the fucking Mumford  sons concert and shit?" "(LAUGHS)" "(SOFTLY) What is it?" "Guns?" "Drugs?" "(HISSING) (SCREAMING)" "No!" "No!" "Dude!" "It's gross!" "It's inking in my mouth!" "I'll get it off." "Its tentacle is eating me!" "It's so strong!" "It's really on there, man." "It's biting my face!" "(SCREAMS)" "Shit!" "Black market exotic animals, just like we expected to be in there." "The accents are gone, huh?" "Take them out, guys." "They're cops." "(GUNS FIRING)" "What was that?" "I don't know!" "I think we're moving." "We're definitely moving!" "JENKO:" "There's fucking birds and shit in here!" "There's actual shit!" "SCHMIDT:" "What the fuck?" "There's a fucking dragon in here!" "(SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) Shit!" "What was that?" "Dude, that was our car." "We shared so much in that car!" "I'm going to shoot them in the face for that!" "That was our fucking car!" "What are yöu doing?" "Don't teen wolf on the truck!" "Don't leave me here alone!" "Then get up here!" "I can't do that!" "Then fucking climb around." "Come on, climb around." "Let's go." "Come on, buddy." "Yöu got it." "SCHMIDT:" "This is so scary!" "Shoot him!" "SCHMIDT:" "Don't leave me out here!" "I'm all out." "Yöu stupid moron!" "That's it." "Come on. (GRUNTING)" "Fucking get up here." "Come on." "Fuck!" "All right, yöu good?" "Yeah!" "All yöu got to do is walk now, okay?" "Okay." "(SCREAMS)" "Shit!" "What the fuck are yöu doing?" "Get up here!" "I can't!" "All right, fine, I guess I'll just drag yöu." "I'm Gonna die!" "Yöu're not Gonna die." "Just get the fuck up here!" "(SCHMIDT CONTINUES SCREAMING)" "(TIRES SCREECHING) Pullyöurselfup here." "Use yöur core!" "Yöu got it, yöu got it." "Come on, come on." "Yeah!" "All right." "Think yöu can stand on yöur own now?" "Yes!" "I think we lost them." "Shit!" "He's the fucking Terminator!" "That's fucking dangerous!" "Yöu are under arrest!" "Pull the truck over!" "I said pull the fucking truck over right fucking now!" "Yöu owe me a car, and it'd better be a fucking Lamborghini, yöu bitch!" "I did it!" "Yöu have the right to remain silent." "Oh, shit!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Holy Moses!" "SCHMIDT:" "Shit." "(JENKO GRUNTS)" "JENKO:" "What happened?" "SCHMIDT:" "I think they got away." "Is that a hickey?" "Oh." "This was actually an octopus-related incident." "I'd opened a crate and the octopus had leapt onto my face." "Apparently, they have many, many arms." "They have eight tentacles." "Yes, and..." "Look, ladies, nobody gave a shit about the jump street reboot when yöu first came on." "Anyone with half a brain, myself included, thought it was destined to fail spectacularly." "But yöu got lucky." "So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure jump street keeps going." "We've doubled their budget." "As if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit." "(LAUGHING)" "Like that's going to work." "Yeah." "Well, the commissioner's convinced this debacle happened because yöu weren't doing the same undercover student thing yöu did the first time." "She doesn't get that it's always worse the second time around." "Yöu settle into worn-out roles." "One gets possessive, the other runs away." "Yöu begin a slow, painful unraveling, as all the good things that came before begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness." "That doesn't sound like us." "I mean... (CHUCKLES)" "I'm getting a divorce." "We don't want to do the same thing." "We want to burst through our ceiling." "And yöu're Gonna find another ceiling and yöu got to bust through that one, and yöu just got to keep hammering ceilings." "Okay, okay, okay." "What if we actually went into the secret service and, like, tried to protect the white house?" "I think..." "I don't think that would work." "I'm going to ask yöu to stop talking." "I thought it was a pretty good idea." "Do the same thing as last time, everyone's happy." "I can't believe the Koreans bought their church back." "Yeah." "Good thing there was an even bigger abandoned church directly across the street." "Yeah." "That's convenient." "Yes, it is convenient." "Next year, we'll probably just be right back across the street." "Just next door." "(SCOFFS) Let's not get ahead of ourselves." "We're not ahead of ourselves." "We're right next to each other." "This is awesome." "Like, way more expensive for no reason." "Look at Dickson's office." "Looks like a giant cube of ice." "How yöu bitches like jump street now?" "Hey!" "Y'all see this shit?" "22 jump street is the lick." "And I got a big-ass raise to babysit yöu two fuckers again." "Designed it myself." "We got an Espresso bar." "I'm thinking about a shark tank over there." "Ooh, I like sharks." "Fuck a 21 jump street, and fuck a Korean Jesus." "Whoa!" "Cap, come on, Korean Jesus is right there." "DICKSON:" "That's Vietnamese Jesus." "See, this a Vietnamese church." "Yöu racist, sacrilegious sack of shit." "Look at that." "Vietnamese Jesus just dripping Swagoo." "And we got some new dumb-ass interns." "Hey, hey!" "Look alive!" "Huh?" "(CHUCKLES) Boys." "Yo, jenko." "(GRUNTING)" "Hey, Schmidt!" "Don't do that." "So, they want the same shit, so here we go." "Same identities." "Same assignment." "JENKO:" "We're going back to high school?" "Yöur ass look like yöu about 50." "Yöu're going to mc state." "We're going to college for real?" "Somebody's out there, they're cooking up a new drug." "It's Adderall mixed with ecstasy mixed with God knows what else." "JENKO: "Wipey"?" "No, yöu dumb motherfucker." ""Whyphy."" "Stands for "work hard?" "Yes." "Play hard?" "Yes."" "Now, these kids take this shit, and they get laser-focused for about four hours of studying, and then they party like it's goddamn 1999." "SCHMIDT:" "Who's this?" "That's Cynthia Watson." "She was a student at mc state." "She took some whyphy, got locked out of her dorm, ended up falling off the roof." "And now she's dead." "That's her buying drugs on campus." "And that's the dealer." "Find him and we find the supplier." "Sir, can I just say, it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim." "I mean, we care so much more because she's black." "I think what he's really trying to say is that we care equally." "It's a tie, really, how much we care." "Uh... no, we're not." "If it was a white person, I wouldn't even care." "One less cracker-ass cracker to worry about." "Why every time yöu speak I want to throw the fuck up?" "Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier." "♫...♪" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Yöu all right?" "Yeah." "It's just..." "I'm the first person in my family to pretend to go to college." "Best part is we get to do it together." "What's up, college?" "What's up, bro?" "We're 322." "Fuck high school, right?" "Fuck high school." "Oh, so tight!" "Oh, this is so baller!" "Beds... oh, shit. (GROANS)" "Oh, dope." "That looks like cum." "That's cum." "Okay." "All right." "Already got cum on the mattress, Dawg." "Welcome to college." "Fuck, yeah." "Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol." "Some bacon machine that my mom got me." "I do not understand how it works." "It's true." "JENKO:" "Super high-tech police gear." "Carte blanche with the budget, motherfucker." "I'm going to veto that poster." "It's a touch childish." "Okay." "What do lambos have to do with touching children?" "Lambos are lame." "I get one choice." "I get one thing that I'm not..." "We have to agree." "Yöu know what I mean?" "What up, fellas?" "We're yöur across-the-hall neighbors." "Oh, hey, there's two of yöu." "Yöu're twins." "What's up, man?" "We're the Yangs, man." "Kenny Yang." "What's up?" "Keith Yang." "What's going on?" "What's going on?" "Did yöu say the Yangs?" "Yeah, dad's Chinese, man." "Our mom's not Chinese." "She's black." "Oh." "She's like real black." "Like Wesley snipes black." "Exactly." "We're brothers, too." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "No." "He's not kidding." "He's serious." "Oh, really?" "What?" "Like, one of y'all older?" "Mmm..hmm." "Yeah, 'cause yöu got crow's feet under yöur eyes, man." "Yöu specifically." "We're actually just normal college age." "I mean, even if yöu're a little older, that's cool, man, because, yöu know, girls here love older dudes." "That's true." "Plus, there's mad fuckable girls here." "Mad fuckable." "Especially during spring break." "JENKO:" "I love spring break." "But I do have to say," "I've fucked a thousand girls by now and I don't know, at the end of the day, yöu just kind of want something that's just a little deeper really." "BOTH:" "Yeah, balls deeper." "Jinx." "Buy me a coke." "Oh, snap, we're still saying the same thing." "This is amazing!" "Carrots." "Pumpernickels." "Glow sticks." "Twins!" "That's dope, dude." "That's so sick." "That's crazy." "We have that brother connection, too." "Yöu ready?" "Mmm..hmm." "Yeah." "Pirates!" "Baby feet!" "Paper clips!" "Bananas!" "Sun!" "Anger!" "I don't know!" "Words!" "Quicksand!" "Shoes!" "Boom!" "That's hip-hop, man." "Awesome." "That's great." "It's Gonna be super fun." "All right?" "Same as last time." "Dude, if it's like last time, yöu're Gonna have an awesome time, and it's Gonna suck for me." "No." "Yöu're Gonna have an awesome time, too, because I'm Gonna make sure of it." "Yöu took a bullet for me." "That's right, I did, and it sucked, but I'd do it again." "No way." "It's my turn." "I owe yöu a life debt." "(SINGSONG) Co-ed bathrooms." "What?" "Oh, shit." "(WHISPERING) I'm not Gonna take a shit the entire time I'm here." "I know." "Hey." "How yöu doing?" "Hey." "What's up?" "'Sup?" "Just exhausted from inventing Facebook or whatever website people our age use." "JENKO:" "They still have books?" "I thought they just put the books inside the computers." "Yeah, I guess the kids just use the stacks to hide and have sex." "So we'll go to all Cynthia's classes and activities, ask around about the drug and find out who the dealer is." "Yeah, it's just like last time." "Exactly like last time." "Dude, in human sexuality, do yöu get to fuck or do yöu just get to watch people fuck?" "Neither." "What the fuck am I taking it for, then?" "Now, obviously, we've all heard this statement before," "I've got a first impression for yöu." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "(MIMICKING TRACY MORGAN) Oh,y 'alllikepsychology?" "Tracy Morgan." "Nobody?" "(SOFTLY) Work hard, play hard, am I right?" "Yöu looking for some whyphy?" "Yeah, man, that'd be sick." "Go to the police station, walk in and ask yöur captain to see the evidence room 'cause yöu're a fucking narc." "I think yöu're mistaken." "(LAUGHS) Yöu're literally wearing yöur badge." "Did yöu really just check to see if yöu were wearing yöur badge?" "This guy's a fucking cop." "I didn't look down." ""Wait, Professor Jacobs, doesn't history happen a long time ago?"" "Well, history happens..." "This class is such a gut." "Hey, yöu guys play football?" "No, this is actually my laptop." "Yeah, I'm taking notes right now." "I'm kidding." "It's a football." "Mr. Mcquaid?" "Covalent bonds." "(EXHALES LOUDLY)" "What has been the result of the war on drugs?" "Why would yöu ask me?" "I'm not a cop." "Because this is a college seminar, and that's how college seminars work." "Professor gets into a lively conversation with the student." "Friction creates fire, and that leads to lessons learned." "Well, it's definitely harder to get drugs." "I can personally tell yöu that." "The average price of cocaine has dropped 70% in the last 30 years." "Then yöur dealer's probably selling yöu some pretty stepped-on shit." "(STUDENTS LAUGHING)" "Mr. Mcquaid, college is a wonderful place." "This is where yöu get to decide who yöu actually are, instead of the person that yöu're clearly pretending to be right now, which everyone sees through, by the way." "Yöu got to decide, "do I just keep doing the same thing"," ""or am I Gonna choose a different path"" ""and question my convictions?"" "I don't have any prior convictions." "Why are yöu saying this stuff?" "That's exactly the answer I wanted, Mr. Mcquaid!" "I want yöu to question what I'm saying." "This is the basis of this whole course, and that's the beauty of college." "Yöu can say whatever yöu want." "Yöu can be whatever yöu want." "I mean, I have tenure." "I can really say whatever I want." "George Washington was a black lesbian." "The Eiffel Tower is made of dildos." "They can't fire me." "I'm indestructible." "(SMACKING LIPS)" "I'm sleeping with two of my students." "Her and her." "I actually am." "Now, just like yöu did before," "I want yöu right now to say whatever yöu want." "Say whatever yöu want." "Fieto." ""Fieto," not a word, but I'm Gonna accept it." "Yöu can do whatever yöu want with yöur life, Mr. Mcquaid." "The only way yöu can fail this class is by not becoming who yöu truly are." "Please respond to my text." "MALE STUDENT:" "Okay, we got time for just one more improv game." "For this one, we need a ton of different suggestions." "So, we just need yöu guys to fill in the blank in a sentence that we're Gonna set up." "So it'll go like this." "Oh, I'm so hungry, I wish I had a..." "Tampon!" "Okay, but we want..." "We want it to be actual food so that it, like, makes sense with the game." "It's more fun that way." "So, uh, let's try it one more time." "Oh, I've got to get home so I can feed my..." "Boner!" "Yöu know what?" "Let's just play the game, okay?" "GIRL:" "All right, so what would yöu..." "Hey, that girl's in my psych class." "Damn, she's hot." "Go talk to her." "Yöu come talk to her with me." "Stop being a pussy and go talk to her." "Go." "All right, all right." "Coming to the stage, we got..." "J. Bohnes, aka..." "Hey." "Hi." "I think we're in the same psych class." "Oh, yeah." "Hi." "Yeah." ""Pills!" "Pills!" "Bills!" "Pills!"" ""Bills!" "A sign of the times that rhymes."" ""Amanda Bynes"" ""drop that raggedy Andy circus"" ""circle jerkus..."" "Yöu guys are the improv guys, right?" "Yeah." "That's cool." "Yöu're the guy with the terrible suggestions." "Yeah, yeah." "Yöu're welcome, man." "Yeah." "Thanks, guys." "Um, lady j is Gonna be up next for yöu." "Cynthia, that girl who died, she used to come here all the time, right?" "Mmm." "This piece is called areolas." "Did yöu know her?" "Yeah, she lived across the hall from me." "Yeah?" "So why do yöu care so much?" "I'm..." "I'm writing a..." ""Greedy man hands!"" "a slam poem in her honor." "Early stages, very early stages." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, yeah." "Wouldn't it be better just to, like, plan the stuff out ahead of time, and then not say it in front of people and embarrass yöurself?" "That's a thing that people do." "That's stand-up comedy." "That's probably what yöu should do, because that stuff's funny." ""My brown nipple will produce white milk during lactation..."" "What do yöu think of this?" "I actually think it's really powerful." "That's cool that yöu said that, 'cause I actually thought it was really powerful, too, when the one girl was talking about her nips and shit." "(APPLAUSE)" "Okay, does anybody have anything they want to share?" "Let's see what yöu got." "Any more poets in the audience?" "I..." "I mean, do yöu really do poetry?" "I do, and I will." "I got somebody." "What?" "Okay, we got somebody." "All right, give it up, guys." "Yeah!" "Okay." "Just go up there." "All right, okay." "Okay." "No pressure." "Yöu'll see, it's good." "Yeah!" "(LAUGHS)" "Um..." "This is a work in progress." "So, uh..." ""Slam poetry!" ""Yelling!" ""Angry!" ""Waving my hands a lot!" ""Specific point of view on things." ""Cynthia!" "(ENUNCIATING) "Cynthia." ""Jesus died for our sin-thee-uhs." ""Jesus cried" ""runaway bride." ""Julia Roberts!" ""Julia rob" ""hurts" "(LAUGHING)" ""Cynthia!" "(GROANS)" ""Cynthia" ""yöu're dead yöu are dead" "(SCATTING)" ""Yöu're dead"" "that's for Cynthia, who's dead." "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "Whoo!" "I don't have a single lead." "I do." "I hear yöu can get whyphy on campus anywhere 24/7." "Do yöu think they mean whyphy the drug or Wi-Fi like the Internet?" "What..." "Fuck yöu, brain." "How did we find the dealers so easy the first time?" "Well, his number was literally on a sticker." "Well, let's go find this guy's sticker." "I don't think this guy does stickers." "Well, we need help." "We need to consult an expert." "KENNY:" "Yo, dude, yöu shot him in the dick, dude." "I got him in the dick." "Yep." ""Shot him in the dick."" "(LAUGHING)" "If it isn't Turner and hooch, in the flesh." "Holy shit, yöu are looking fit." "(GRUNTS)" "Hey, yöu should get some tips from this guy." "He's looking good." "Look at those pectoral muscles." "That's the kind of definition I want out of yöu, man." "What's up, Eric?" "Hey." "Mr. Walters, we should, um..." "Or I should apologize for, uh..." "For shooting my penis off?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Don't sweat it, brother." "I'm liberated." "Totally." "Yöu know they gave me a vagina?" "It's awesome." "Yöu guys want to see it?" "No, no, no, no!" "No, no, no." "That's fine." "All right." "Eric's seen it." "Eric's been all up in that shit." "Isn't that right, Eric?" "Yöu guys got to get me the fuck out of here." "Hey, guess what." "I'm Eric's bitch." "No, yöu're not." "Yes!" "I am!" "I'm yöur bitch." "Oh, my God." "I'm so sorry, honey." "I didn't mean that." "Yöu know that, right?" "I am such a bitch when aunt Flo shows up." "It bleeds so much, it's crazy." "It's like the elevator doors opening in the shining." "Yöur vagina doesn't fucking work, man." "Worked for yöu last night." "(CHUCKLES)" "Yöu are so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship." "Eric, am I forcing yöu into anything?" "Yes. (CHUCKLES) See?" "Look, they sent us in undercover at a college to find the dealer of this new synthetic, and no one will tell us anything." "That's 'cause yöu guys look like fucking narcs, all right?" "College kids aren't dumb like Eric." "I was supposed to go to Berkeley." "Well, they gave us a picture, so we do have that." "Well, that's yöur lead, motherfucker!" "That's what yöu start with." "I know, but we can't see his face, so we don't know who it is." ""We don't know who it is."" ""I'm Schmidt." "My pants are filled with doody."" "(GROANS) That's yöu." "That doesn't sound anything like me." "Yöu sort of sound like that." "That doesn't sound anything like me." ""That doesn't sound anything like me."" "It's not not yöu." "Eric!" "Close yöur eyes and tell me who's talking right now." "(BABBLING)" "That's Schmidt being a little bitch." "That's just not a good impression." "WALTERS:" "Whoa!" "Nice job, super sleuths." "Did yöu even bother to look at the fucking picture?" "Yeah." "Huh?" "There's a reflection right here." "Yöur fucking guy's got a tattoo." "Find the tattoo, find the dealer." "Fuck, man, I don't know." "I do a lot of stupid tattoos to drunk kids." "Do yöu remember that stupid tattoo?" "TATTOO ARTIST:" "A bazooka?" "Think I might have did it on a football player." "Guy with a red Mohawk." "I don't know." "They all start to look the same to me." "I think I know exactly who he's talking about." "(GRUNTING)" "Fuck yöu!" "Fuck yöu, yöu little walk-on fuck!" "I can't, like, move around in these things." "ROOSTER:" "God, I love walk-on day!" "(WHISPERS) Fuck, yeah." "That's a weird time to be q-tipping." "Yöu're all fucking pussies!" "Dude, yöu don't have to do this." "What?" "I just don't want yöu to get hurt." "I'm not Gonna get..." "Whoops. (GRUNTS)" "Shit." "Whoa." "Dude, I am so sorry." "It's all right, man." "Don't worry about it, man." "Are yöu sure?" "All right..." "Yeah." "Ow." "Shit." "I got it." "Okay, I got it, I got it." "Ow!" "That's fine." "I'll get it." "No, no, let me get it, let me get it." "No, I got it." "Let me just get it." "No, let me get it." "I got it, I got it." "Let's just..." "Dude, I'm sorry." "I got my q-tip in yöur meat, bro." "No, man, I got my..." "I got my meat in yöur q-tip." "It's like a whole new type of sandwich." "Like, a meat q-tip. (CHUCKLES)" "Like a meat-qute." "(BOTH GIGGLING)" "That's funny." "Hey, yöu guys want some of this sandwich?" "It's a meat-qute sandwich." "Me and this guy are having a meat-qute." "(LAUGHING)" "Yöu're hilarious, dude." "What's yöur name?" "Brad." "Wait..." "Brad." "Uh, yeah, yeah, it's Brad." "I'm Zook." "Nice to meet yöu." "Zook." "Nice to meet yöu, too, man." "ZOOK:" "Blue 20!" "Blue 20!" "Set, hut!" "♫...♪" "(LAUGHS)" "Yöu love walk-on day now?" "(GROANS)" "Yöur arm all right?" "Yöu want to take that sleeve off?" "No, I'm good." "Dude, holy shit, bro." "Great fucking catch, dude." "If yöu see that safety line up that deep, though, hit me quicker." "Oh, yeah, I didn't know yöu had wheels like that, bro." "It's funny, 'cause he's my brother." "So..." "Um..." "Hey, uh, yöu know, we have this rush party at zeta." "But I thought, yöu know, yöu could come by and meet the guys." "It'd be really fun, I think." "Great." "Yeah, maybe we will." "Are yöu guys, like, together?" "Yeah." "Yeah, this is my bro." "(LAUGHING) That's..." "Funny, dude." "Yöu're funny." "Oh." "Uh, really?" "Wow." "Um, okay." "Yeah, man, sure." "Yöu, too, yöu can come, too." "We'll see what we can do." "Also, I said a bunch of stuff earlier that yöu didn't acknowledge..." "Great catch." "Cool, yeah." "See yöu then." "So yöu won't address that?" "What the fuck's up with that guy?" "All we have to do now is rush the frat long enough to confirm that rooster has that bazooka tattoo." "Look, man, do yöu think it's cool if yöu come?" "'Cause, I mean, he kind of really just asked me." "I just don't want to start off on the wrong foot with this guy." "(LAUGHS)" "Dude, yöu're tripping." "We do everything together." "Yöu should lose the puka shells, though." "Things are different since yöu didn't go to college." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "Yo, Brad!" "What's up, dude?" "Same puka, dude." "Yöu got the same..." "Puka bros." "ZOOK:" "Holy shit!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Look at him, it's, like, all the same." "Dude, yöu wear pants, too?" "What?" "Bros, man." "Dude." "I knew we were Gonna be connected, just like that." "Yeah, why don't yöu guys just tie yöur dicks together and get married, right, rooster?" "Rooster." "What's up, bro?" "Yöu look good, man." "What's up, rooster?" "How yöu doing, man?" "Digging the puka." "Thanks, dude." "I can't believe it's the same..." "How yöu doing, rooster?" "Rooster is getting some pop." "Why don't yöu go check him out?" "JENKO:" "Yöu in the zone, bro?" "ZOOK:" "In the fucking zone, dude." "(IMITATING EXPLOSIONS)" "Hey." "What's up?" "What's up?" "I'm rooster." "Oh, yeah, no." "We've met before." "Oh, really?" "I don't remember that at all." "Yöu must just have a really plain face." "Yeah." "They call me ol' plain face." "They call yöu that?" "So, do yöu have any body art or, like, any ink I could see?" "That's a pretty random question." "Hey, anyway, it was so nice chatting with yöu, man." "Nice to meet yöu, man." "Yo, what the fuck, bro?" "Yo, what the fuck are yöu doing, dude?" "Yöu serious right now?" "Yöu..." "Yöu're being weird." "Yöu've been weird." "JENKO:" "It was just like, "what am I hearing?" ""What am I hearing right now?"" "And the psychic told yöu that?" "Yo." "That is so crazy, dude." "Hey, dude, yöu want to go see the roof?" "Fuck yeah, I want to see the roof, dude." "Come on, let's go, let's go." "Come on." "Come on to the roof, come on to the roof." "Let's go." "JENKO:" "Come on, yöu can do it." "Come on, come on, come on!" "(LAUGHING)" "I miss climbing so much." "Come on, let's go." "Come on." "All right, uh..." "One more time." "I'm just Gonna go home." "I don't know parkour, so..." "All right." "Hey, Maya Angelou!" "(LAUGHS)" "Poetry, okay." "I got it." "(CHUCKLES)" "Make fun of the poetry major." "So, I guess yöu have no interest in having a real job in the future." "Absolutely not." "No, right?" "(BOTH LAUGH) What about yöu?" "Um, I'm an art major." "Okay." "So yöu definitely cannot talk any shit, 'cause..." "No, I can't." "I cannot." "Yöu're never Gonna make any money." "(LAUGHS)" "I'm never Gonna make any money, so don't tell my parents, but..." "When I talk to yöur parents tonight," "I will not tell them about yöur major." "Okay, thank yöu." "Yöu're welcome." "All right, art major." "What do yöu think about that?" "Um, I would say that it's these two beings leaning up against each other in perfect balance." "If one were to fall, they would just lose each other." "So it's just about support." "Yöu can't admit that it looks exactly like testicles?" "(LAUGHING) That's exactly what it looks like." "So, is there someone who supports yöu?" "No, I'm just one of those people that really likes to spend time with myself." "Tell me about it." "I love to be alone." "I am, like, the best at it." "I just love when yöu're sitting there in a room, and yöu're just there with yöur thoughts, and yöu're like, "oh, my gosh, I'm alone."" ""Would anyone ever love me?" Or whatever." "And, like, "do I know anyone who would care"" ""if I just ever came out of this room or not?"" "Or whatever and, like..." "I don't know." "It's just peaceful." "I just like it." "Yeah." "Well, if yöu don't want to be alone tonight, we are Gonna go hang out at the art building, if yöu want to come." "Okay, okay." "Okay." "Okay." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CHEERING)" "I expected tonight would go in a way that yöu wouldn't expect, but what I didn't expect was tonight would go in the exact way that yöu would expect." "Yöu know what I mean?" "Totally." "So yöu guys hang out here a lot?" "Yeah." "I mean, we're not into the whole frat party kind of stuff." "We like to sit around, just drink some good wine and talk about some important stuff." "Banging bitches and getting wasted all fucking day." "Those are, like, two of my favorite things to do." "Yöu are, like, a slightly less attractive version of..." "Picasso?" "Picasso." "Right?" "I've been told that before." "Yöu read my mind." "(LAUGHING) What?" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, that's Cynthia Watson's room." "Oh." "It's only 2:00." "I thought it was late." "Do yöu want to come in?" "It's only 2:00?" "I usually go to dinner at, like, 2:00 A.M., so..." "Sure, yeah, why not?" "ROOSTER:" "I'm Gonna do it." "I just got to get it at the right angle." "(GROANS)" "Dude, stop." "Rooster:" "Stupid fucking goalpost!" "It's impossible." "Yöu can't fucking do it." "The fans used to rush the field after every win and tear down the goalposts, and coach hated it." "And so he cemented them in." "They storm the field, and still do it, but they just bounce around." "ROOSTER:" "Fuck this goalpost, bro!" "Yöu guys might want to hold on, 'cause this shit is coming down." "(BELLOWING)" "Yo, what is that?" "The tattoo, what's that right there?" "Oh." "Oh, this?" "Mmm..hmm." "It's my old high school team." "The Plainview red herrings." "Look at it swim." "Shit." "What?" "Shit, that's a really outside-of-the-box high school mascot." "Hold on, guys." "ZOOK:" "Hey, why don't yöu come to practice today?" "I mean, yöu're obviously good enough to play on the team." "Look, I'm not supposed to be here to play football." "What?" "I'm just here to do my assignments and get out, that's it." "I mean, yeah, school's important or whatever, but when I was throwing yöu those passes, it was like I knew where yöu were Gonna be before yöu went there." "Yöu know, I had this, like, vision of me throwing bullet to yöu, dude, and then all these fans just started going, like... (QUIET SCREAMING)" ""Zook!" "Mcquaid!" "Zook!" "Mcquaid!"" "And they were chanting and chanting, and then the goalposts came down." "Dude?" "I have had that exact vision, like, my entire life." "Dude." "Dude." "Bro?" "Bro." "Dude." "Bro." "BOTH:" "Dude." "Like, well, we fucking can, bro." "All yöu gotta do is join the team." "Yeah." "Why not?" "Yes!" "Fuck yeah, dude." "Fuck yeah, dude." "What's that?" "My tattoo." "Yeah, fuck, look." "Look, it's me, Zook." "Got a fucking bazooka for an arm." "Know what I mean?" "(IMITATES EXPLOSION)" "(SIGHS)" "Dude, I'm so fucking pumped yöu're Gonna be on this fucking team, bro." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Yep." "What's up with it?" "(SNORTS)" "How yöu doing?" "Hi." "Good." "How was the, um... (BREATHES DEEPLY)" "How was the sex for yöu?" "It was fun for me." "It was a good time." "Yeah, right." "I enjoyed it." "Yeah." "This is why I don't drink." "Oh." "Hey." "How yöu doing?" "I'm fine." "I mean, I'm not listening to yöu guys fornicate all night long." "Thrusting and pumping." "Okay." "I thought yöur hip popped out at one point." "I'm just saying, it's, like, all fun and games, and then yöu wake up in bed next to a 40-year-old freshman." "I'm 19, so..." "Nineteen minutes late to pinochle, where yöu're meeting yöur old friends in the park?" "Yeah, that's what I meant." "Oh, my gosh, Maya, look at him." "He's still so sharp." "That's so inspiring." "Tell us about the war, any one of them." "Yöu're, like, the loudest climaxer I've ever heard." "It was, like, the sound of, like, a 30-year-old sprinkler finally going off for the first time." "Okay, well, so lovely talking with yöu. (SIGHS)" "Yöu're a lovely person." "Hmm." "Nice to meet yöu." "(DOOR OPENS) (WHISPERING)Oh,my God." "She seems nice. (DOOR CLOSES)" "She's horrible." "God." "She was Cynthia's roommate, and I felt bad for her, so I told her I would room with her." "So..." "So yöu probably have a bunch of stuff that yöu have to do today." "Right?" "No." "Oh." "Okay." "Look, I just want yöu to know" "I'm not, like, a "hit it and quit it" type of fella." "I'm, like, a "hit it"," ""continue to hit it both physically and emotionally" kind of guy, so..." "Hey, Doug, yöu're not Gonna be weird about this, are yöu?" "No." "I mean, yöu're cool with just hooking up?" "Yeah." "I mean, no." "I mean, I'm glad yöu said something." "'Cause I don't even know if I like yöu when I'm sober." "No, I know, and it's like, that doesn't even hurt, like, at all." "Okay, so, um..." "I'm Gonna..." "I'm Gonna split." "I'll text yöu later." "Great, that was great sex." "Yöu're good at it." "And I'll text yöu, three to five minutes or something?" "(DOOR OPENS) All right." "♫...♪" "what the fuck is this?" "This is bullshit." "Are yöu two fucking around at school again?" "Hey, we got to pay for this shit." "We need results!" "No, no, no." "Look, we are looking aggressively for this very specific tattoo." "Or the tattoo could just be a dead end." "What the fuck?" "It's the same case!" "Do the same thing." "Well, it's not exactly the same case, 'cause one of us got laid last night." "Schmidt?" "Shh." "Don't wake up my dick." "Flew in on the red-eye, hasn't gotten a wink of sleep." "Damn." "We're talking missionary." "We're talking missionary." "We're talking when I'm on top and she's on her back." "She's smart, she's an art major." "She can't be that smart." "She's a fucking art major." "Come on." "I will give yöu some daps, Schmidt." "Give me some motherfucking daps, man!" "Come on, give me some." "Give me some." "Come on!" "JENKO:" "My human sexuality class is blowing my mind." "Did yöu know I used gay slurs in high school?" "Yes, directed at me." "Dude, I am so sorry for being a homophone." "Are we Gonna talk about how weird yöu were today with dickson?" "Look, I don't think the tattoo means what yöu think it means." "I mean, for all we know, a lot of people could have that tattoo." "This tattoo?" "This absurdly specific tattoo?" "Name one other person who has this." "For starters, Zook has it." "Zook has the tattoo?" "What the fuck?" "We've been looking for this tattoo for days!" "Do yöu understand this means Zook is the dealer?" "I really want yöu guys to hang out." "We have hung out." "He's completely ignored me." "I'm sorry, but we're Gonna have to investigate yöur new bff." "We're Gonna put cameras everywhere, and we're Gonna monitor the fuck out of what he's doing." "We can't just walk into zeta house and just put up a bunch of fucking cameras, okay?" "There's dudes there everywhere." "All right, yöur plan is stupid." "I'm sorry." "My plan is stupid?" "That's interesting." "What... okay." "I'm, like, basically done fucking watching yöur shit all the fucking time." "Okay, yeah, exactly." "I'm the fucking stupid one." "Yeah." "Oh, that's really fucking stupid." "Man, it must be hard being so different." "We're exactly the same." "It makes everything so much easier." "Guys, can yöu just give us some space?" "We're really trying to figure something out, and we need to focus, okay?" "Yöu're not Gonna have trouble focusing, man." "Yeah, man, those krispie treats got mad whyphy in them." "KENNY:" "We made a batch for the whole dorm, man." "I've eaten six of these." "KENNY:" "Then yöu're Gonna be real focused." "KEITH:" "Be real focused." "In about four hours, yöu're Gonna be tripping." "Yöu're fine." "Yöu're Gonna be all right, man." "Who sold yöu whyphy?" "Nobody sold it to us." "Yeah, man, Cynthia gave us a butt load, and in exchange, we wrote her logic paper for her." "All right." "All right, man, we'll see yöu guys later." "Enjoy the food." "Maybe this is a good thing." "(DOOR CLOSES) let's use that focus to figure out a way to get into Zook's house." "Yöu feel anything?" "No." "Do yöu feel anything?" "No, but I have a super high tolerance for... (PANTING)" "I'm so focused." "I'm so focused, too." "Yöu don't have to be on top of me." "Yes, I do." "Why?" "Camouflage." "Go." "(CANS CLATTERING)" "Let's go." "MALE STUDENT:" "No fucking way." "Okay, so no?" "Dane?" "All right." "Out, all right." "Bull's-eye." "Bingo." "That helmet looks kind of lame." "Yöu know what's not lame?" "Safety." "(WHIRRING)" "What are yöu doing?" "I'm cutting glass." "It's a laser pointer." "It can't cut glass." "What?" "That's no fun at all." "I'm so focused." "Let's do this." "I'm so focused." "Let's do this." "(WHIRRING)" "Give me another." "I don't have any more cameras." "Yöu don't need to drill so many holes." "Yeah, okay." "Yeah, that one's perfect." "Okay, yöu can do that one." "I don't have any more cameras." "I've said it five times." "All right." "Okay." "That's the last of 'em." "(BEEPING)" "Time to prove that Zook's the dealer." "JENKO:" "Or not the dealer." "Next up is Brad Mcquaid." "(ALL AGREEING) Right?" "Yes." "Yes!" "Obviously, right?" "I mean, the guy's..." "The guy's all-time." "Yöu guys, let's be honest." "I mean, like, he was opening up beer cans with his eyeballs." "That's so sweet of them." "So Brad..." "Brad's in." "Uh, Doug Mcquaid." "No!" "He's a bag of dicks!" "He's Brad's brother." "He follows him around everywhere, so I doubt we get Brad without Doug." "That's not true." "I have a serious girlfriend." "I got a bad feeling about this guy, dude." "Why?" "Why?" "I was talking to him for a second." "He's got a big mouth, okay?" "I feel like he could fuck this whole thing up for us." "See, yöu're fucking this up." "Yöu talk way too much." "That guy is harmless, dude." "Look at him, he's nice." "ROOSTER:" "He looks like a 30-year-old eighth grader." "ZOOK:" "He's Gonna be fine." "I'm just saying, the kid sucks." "Okay, and Brad." "Brad could be, like, our guy." "He could, like, be a part of our thing." ""Our thing"?" "Yeah." "Shh." "I'm trying to hear them be nice about me." "This is fucking bullshit." "Shit!" "Shit." "Is somebody up there?" "Shit." "We got to get out of here." "Did yöu lock the door?" "I did, man." "I checked twice." "Go, go!" "I'm so focused, dude." "Shit." "No, yöu're just paranoid because we're about to trip balls." "No, I'm paranoid because it could be dangerous." "No, we're fine." "Look, we made it." "We made it." "It's all good." "SCHMIDT:" "Oh, shit!" "(SCREAMING)" "Help!" "Help!" "What's happening!" "JENKO:" "What the fuck?" "JENKO: (PANTING) Ican'tbreathe." "They made us!" "They're Gonna kill us!" "Jenko!" "Where are yöu going?" "Oh, fuck!" "I'm having a bad trip!" "We're having a bad trip!" "I think we are tripping, but..." "God, isn't this great?" "My side's so much scarier than yöurs." "Oh, shit, yöur trip sucks." "Yöu should come over here." "It's way better." "Okay." "(THUD) (GROANS)" "It's some kind of weird split screen!" "(LAUGHING)" "Hello, football." "Jenko!" "Jenko!" "I finally got my lambo!" "Hey, Schmidt, look!" "Look!" "Look!" "(LAUGHING)" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SOMBER ROCK BALLAD PLAYING)" "My legs are tired." "Help!" "No more music!" "Yöu'll always be alone." "(SCREAMS)" "Hey, Jenko." "What?" "Where are yöu going?" "I'm just Gonna go up for a little while, okay?" "Stay, stay here." "No, I don't want to stay here." "I'm flying." "This is amazing." "No." "God." "Don't go!" "Oh, my God." "No!" "Stay here!" "No, no, stop it." "Yöu're dragging me down!" "Why would yöu drag me down?" "Please stay!" "I'm flying." "Stay!" "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "Wake up!" "Get out of the car!" "Shit." "Get out of the car!" "Get on the ground!" "On yöur fucking knees!" "Get on yöur knees!" "Yöu already know, don't yöu?" "What?" "Do yöu have anything to say?" "Please don't kill us." "If yöu don't have anything to fucking say, open yöur fucking mouth." "What the fuck?" "Is that vodka?" "Welcome to zeta, pledges!" "(LAUGHING)" "Yeah, buddy!" "Pledges, tonight, we separate the weak from the strong." "If yöu don't make it through tonight, yöu're dead to all of us." "Rooster, light the torch!" "For zeta!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "ALL: (CHANTING) Drink, motherfucker!" "Drink, motherfucker!" "Drink, motherfucker!" "Drink, motherfucker!" "Look, whatever happens tonight, yöu have to keep up, okay?" "I'm Gonna throw up." "I know." "Shut up." "Go." "ZOOK:" "Ready?" "Go!" "Here we go, here we go." "One, two, three, four, five..." "I can't do it anymore!" "I can't do it anymore!" "Twenty's the record!" "Thirty-three, 34... (GROANING) 67... (ALL CHEERING)" "Yöu can do this, yöu can do this." "I can't." "This is disgusting." "No, yöu got to." "I can't do this anymore!" "And now, for my favorite event." "(SQUEALING)" "Fuck this." "I'm not doing this." "I'm not doing it." "What are... no!" "I'm not doing this, okay?" "All right?" "Hey!" "Schmidt!" "What the fuck, man?" "What is yöur problem?" "Yöu said yöu wanted to stick together." "This is what we have to do to win their trust." "This is supposed to be fun." "It's just drinking and bonding games." "It's fun." "It's fun for yöu." "It's not fun for me." "I don't know." "Maybe we should just..." "Maybe we should just investigate different people." "Did yöu really just say that?" "Did yöu really just say that yöu want to investigate other people?" "That's what yöu want?" "I don't know, maybe." "Maybe we should just..." "We should just branch out." "Okay, just sow our oats a little." "Sow our cop oats." "Look, I have an in with Zook." "We have a thing and it's good, and..." "I don't know, maybe I should just stay closer to him." "And yöu should do yöur thing with yöur connections and channels with Cynthia's roommate." "Yöu should see if she knows who sold her drugs." "I just..." "I just don't..." "I don't like the idea of us doing stuff separately." "No, look, we can still investigate together." "It's just, yöu know, now it'll be an open thing." "Yöu want an open investigation?" "I don't know if that's what I want." "All right?" "I just think it's healthy right now for us to try it." "Okay." "Yeah?" "Sure." "Okay, so I guess I'll just catch yöu later, then." "Yöu okay?" "No, yöu can't hug me right now." "Do yöu need money for a cab or anything?" "No, I don't need money for a cab." "Okay." "I don't know where the fuck I am right now." "Hey, Lauren." "I just want to get in bed and watch friends all day." "ANNOUNCER:" "Let's hear it for yöur metropolitan city state statesmen!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "BOB:" "And the statesmen take the field for the opening game against the university of college generals." "MAN:" "Ready?" "JIM:" "And a surprise start today for walk-on freshman Brad Mcquaid." "BOB:" "Looks pretty old to be a freshman." "It's the hormones in the milk, Bob." "Ready?" "Set, hut!" "BOB:" "Haythe drops back." "And connects with Mcquaid!" "(GRUNTS)" "Who beats safety will glock like an egg white in my famous meringue recipe." "Holy shit, he's good." "None of yöu tell Mcquaid that he's good, all right?" "If yöu do, he'll leave this shitty program." "BOB:" "And as the clock ticks down, we've got time for one last play." "Another perfect hookup between Haythe and Mcquaid." "JIM:" "Even their end zone celebration is in perfect sync." "It's like these two share a single brain, Bob." "That's right, Jim." "They both have one half a brain." "And the crowd rushes the field to try and knock down a goalpost." "It's not coming down!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "BOB: (CHUCKLING) Good luck, guys." "JIM:" "Looks like mc state's got a new power couple." "Zook and mcquaid!" "I got to get around yöu, man." "I can't jump up." "I got a broken ankle." "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "Yeah!" "BOTH:" "Fuck yes!" "Yeah!" "One more!" "(CELL PHONE BUZZING) Shit." "(SIGHS) Who is that?" "Nothing." "All right, ready?" "ZOOK:" "Come on!" "Focus!" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "Come on!" "Do it!" "Fuck yöu, Arnold Schwarzenegger!" "I'm so jammed!" "Fuck yöu!" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR) There's a sock on the door!" "Don't come in!" "Fuck, yeah!" "I'm having sex with a human woman." "My God!" "Fuck!" "Hey!" "Look at yöu!" "What are yöu guys doing here?" "What?" "Are yöu kidding?" "It's parents weekend." "(WHISPERS) Fuck." "Wonderful." "Yöu're dating someone." "Thanks, mom." "Listen, we're undercover, okay?" "Thank yöu." "No problem." "Doug!" "Maya!" "Hey." "Hi." "These are my parents." "So this is the girl?" "Hi." "I'm Annie." "I'm yöur new mother-in-law. (LAUGHS)" "Nice to meet yöu." "Worst thing to say." "Hi." "Hey." "David." "My dad." "Nice to meet yöu." "Well, my parents are here, too." "DICKSON:" "Maya, hurry up!" "Yöur mama done found a table she want." "How do yöu know this person?" "Dad, this is Doug, a guy that I'm dating." "The fuck?" "I..." "How's yöur classes going, Doug?" "Yöu... we were just in the neighborhood, and..." "I have an idea." "Why don't we all sit together?" "Would that be fun?" "Yes, thank yöu." "(MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY)" "So..." "Do yöu like weather?" "Yöu two know each other?" "No." "This is crazy, all these, uh, students and parents." "Potential witnesses." "How did yöu two meet?" "Oh, I love meet-cute stories." "We met at a poetry slam, and then he stalked me back to my dorm room." "Stalked her?" "Oh, that's so beautiful." "Then what happened?" "And then we hung out and we watched a movie." "Actually, we watched it a couple times." "This is bullshit!" "This fucking... waiter!" "What can a black man do to get some water around here?" "Give the fucking guy some water!" "He's black!" "He's been through a lot!" "For the sake of yöur daughter, please keep it together." "I'm Gonna need a motherfucking crepe before I go crazy." "I'll be right back." "So, where are yöu from originally?" "I'm straight outta Compton, but my husband's from Northridge." "Come on, man, hook me up." "What the fuck y'all doing?" "Y'all rationing around here?" "Come on, hook me up." "Two little fucking string beans?" "Give me the goddamn string beans." "I want some fucking deviled eggs." "I like fruit." "Don't yöu like fruit?" "I like fruit." "But this pork shit?" "Got to go!" "He's really taking it out on the omelet bar." "Shit was nasty!" "He's under a lot of pressure at work." "What's up, playa?" "Want to go to the movies?" "I'll break yöur motherfucking legs!" "Break yöur legs!" "(CLATTERING)" "What?" "How yöu doing, Mr. nice plant?" "Get yöur fucking ass in there." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Hey, yöu want another beer?" "I'm Gonna get another beer." "Yeah, yeah, I'll do another." "Hey, look, man, yöu know yöu can always tell me something if yöu want to get it off yöur chest." "Yöu know I'm always here for yöu, right?" "What are yöu trying to say?" "No, nothing." "All right, with everything that happened with Cynthia and whyphy," "I just don't want yöu to screw up." "Yöu don't think I know what I'm doing?" "What?" "I know exactly what I'm doing here." "I'm Gonna tell yöu something, all right?" "Can I trust yöu?" "Yeah, of course." "I have a friend who knows a guy at UMC." "He's a scout." "It's d-I." "Their QB, he's not playing well." "They're not happy with the situation." "They want me to make a tape." "And I want yöu to be on it with me." "(STAMMERING) Nothing else?" "They had five guys in the draft last year." "I mean, Brad, this could be our shot." "We're like the dynamic duo, bro." "We're like Batman and Robin." "But we're both Batman." "What do yöu want to be, like, a stockbroker?" "Or a cop?" "Dude, yöur ceiling is, like, so high." "Yöu can just bust right..." "Just break right through it." "Right through it." "Right through it." "Right through it." "Yöu really think I could make it at UMC?" "Dude, yöu could make it into the hall of fame." "No, dude, come on, that's yöu." "Yöu're Gonna be in, like, the anals of football history." "Dude, yöu could make it into the anals of football history, too." "We're Gonna have to tear those anals up." "All right." "We're Gonna fucking tear it up." "I mean, it's just a tape, right?" "I fucking hate my dad so much." "Do yöu have any idea what it's like to have a guy like that telling yöu what to do all the time?" "(CELL PHONE CHIMING)" "I can only imagine." "I just don't understand what his problem is with yöu specifically." "(SIGHS) I don't..." "Jesus." "That makes no sense to me." "I mean, yöu are a perfectly good guy." "Yöu're very honest and nice." "Why does my dad have yöur phone number?" "I don't know." "Maybe the school directory or something." "Let's do something..." "Let's do something that would distract us." "Okay." "So we don't have to think about him anymore." "Mmm..mmm." "Mmm..mmm." "All right." "Um... (CLEARS THROAT)" "Maya." "Is it okay if we just talk?" "Okay." "Let's talk." "No way." "Yeah." "I was Peter Pan, but then I was, like, late." "Yöu're really close with yöur brother, then." "It seems like." "Yeah." "Yeah, yöu know... (LAUGHING)" "Yöu're a fucking genius, dude." "Are yöu sure it's not too much, though?" "No!" "Yeah!" "Fuck, yeah!" "All right?" "All right?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "All night, bro." "Come on." "All night." "Yeah, I know." "It's Gonna be so worth it, dude." "It's Gonna be fucking worth it, I promise, all right?" "Dude, yöu know what this needs?" "BOTH:" "Another star wipe." "Jinx." "Buy me a beer. (CHUCKLING)" "Nice twist." "On what?" "MAYA:" "I can't believe we've been talking all night." "Oh, my God, it's 8:00." "I have class, actually." "Okay." "I..." "Yeah, yöu can help yöurself to whatever yöu need, and..." "All right." "Yeah, I'm so sorry, this..." "(CHUCKLES)" "I'll see yöu." "I'll see yöu later." "Okay." "Best night ever." "Okay." "Bye." "Bye." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "How long have yöu been there?" "Like, the longest amount of time yöu could think of right now." "This stuff wasn't meant for yöu." "It was meant to be private." "So, am I supposed to just sit here and not act like" "I hear every one of yöur problems?" "Yöu got 99 problems, but being yöung isn't one." "Yöu're just jealous because Maya and I have a real connection." "I'm pretty close with my grandpa, too." "Yöu're more messed up than Cynthia was, and she went to the school shrink three times a week." "Why?" "I don't know." "But he gave her a ton of pills and shit." "Maybe he could give yöu something for yöur weird old face." "Okay." "Hey." "Yöu're late." "No, actually, I was busy with the investigation." "This is Cynthia's therapist's office." "This is our investigation." "(WHISPERING) All right." "Watch the door." "Oh, is that all I'm good for?" "Just watching a fucking door?" "(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)" "Got it." ""Patient exhibits drug-induced paranoia."" ""Believes her life is in danger."" "Uh, door, door." "Hey." "I wasn't told that I had a 9:00 A.M. session." "Yeah, no, we're yöur 9:00 A.M. that's us." "And we're cured." "Thank yöu very much." "Yöu're an amazing doctor." "Please." "Yöu think yöu're the first partners only to try to run when yöu're first faced with talking with me?" "How the fuck did yöu know we were partners?" "He doesn't know we're partners." "(WHISPERING) I suspect yöu're partners." "A relationship is something that requires constant work." "Which is what I thought we learned in high school." "So yöu are high school sweethearts." "I picked up on that early." "Please, continue the dialogue." "Doc." "I just feel like sometimes he's not even trying anymore." "Like this isn't even worth saving." "JENKO:" "Oh, okay." "Well, sometimes I feel like that we should be more like the Yangs." "Or maybe I should be more like yöur beautiful Zook." "Oh, go fuck yöurself!" "Yöu go fuck yöurself." "Okay." "Yöu're so selfish." "All right." "That's a lot of fucking." "Oh, my God." "Sometimes I like to have the participants make Physical contact." "Why don't yöu hold hands?" "Okay." "I'm not doing that." "Hmm?" "Do yöu see?" "Reach out yöur hand." "I'm..." "He's literally reaching out for yöu." "He won't hold my hand." "JENKO:" "I'm not doing it." "I kind of need yöu to do it." "He won't hold my hand." "Oh, yöu..." "Yöu got to interlock it, though." "If yöu don't interlock it, it's not hand-holding." "Fine." "We might as well just be friends and not partners." "Nice, right?" "Okay, yöu see this?" "This is strong." "What I want to be able to have is this." "Is this..." "I want to be able to have that, that same thing, in, like without actually having to do it." "Are yöu embarrassed of yöur partner?" "No, not at all." "Okay?" "And why the fuck are yöu guys ganging up on me?" "Gang up on him." "Okay, seriously." "Okay, okay." "He's clingy." "He literally is terrified of being by himself." "Look, I know Zook's yöur buddy and yöu don't want him to be guilty, but he's our guy." "No, he's actually not our guy." "I would know." "Now, yöu know, we sometimes cling to things because they're familiar and comfortable." "I teach about a principle called embedding." "Look at the facts." "Matter of fact, I..." "Zook has the tattoo." "He knew Cynthia." "I know the first time he met yöu, yöu dropped a fucking sandwich on his foot and he smiled at yöu, but yöu are completely blind to the fact..." "What'd yöu say embedding was?" "Embedding?" "Oh, embedding is our tendency to latch on to the first bit of information that we're offered and overlooking, or even ignoring, contradictory information." "It's a fascinating principle..." "Shut up." "I'm thinking." "Yöu think it's possible that we embedded?" "What, like when we were drunk or something?" "We embedded each other?" "Okay." "I'm Gonna recommend..." "Okay, yöu can leave the room." "Just get the fuck out." "Get the fuck out." "Yöu heard him." "This took a turn." "One, two..." "Okay." "Yep." "Good session." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "The first time we saw the photo of Cynthia buying whyphy," "Dickson said, "this guy's the dealer."" "Everything we've done and thought has been based on that fact, but what if Dickson was wrong?" "And we've ignored all the other clues." "SCHMIDT:" "What if Cynthia wasn't the buyer?" "What if Cynthia was the dealer?" "Captain, we have something really, really important to tell yöu about." "(VELCRO RIPPING)" "Captain?" "Are yöu wearing Kevlar?" "Now, gentlemen, we're not Gonna sit here and pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room." "What the fuck is going on?" "This is what the fuck is going on." "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)" "Oh, shit!" "No!" "That is not happening right now!" "No!" "Hey, y'all, he's fucking the captain's daughter!" "Yo!" "Every time he say that shit..." "JENKO:" "Oh, my fuck!" "That's another foot in yöur ass." "Schmidt, yöu clearly..." "Yo, this is the best thing ever!" "(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)" "Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!" "(SINGSONG) Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!" "Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "Yöu fucked captain Dickson's daughter?" "Captain, what the..." "Yöu bragged to him to his face." "To his actual face." "Captain..." "Do yöu understand that this face right here, yöu bragged to that face?" "Yöu actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking yöur daughter." "Holy shit!" "Oh, my God!" "This is..." "It's really not that funny." "SCHMIDT:" "I just want to say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that yöur daughter went to mc state." "I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut yöur motherfucking nuts off." "What if captain gets to punch yöu in the face one time, really, really, really hard?" "Nah." "I got something way better than that." "(SCREAMS) (ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Yöu think Cynthia was the dealer?" "How the fuck we Gonna infiltrate the dealer if the dealer is dead?" "We have to stop treating this like it's exactly the same as last time." "And we got a bigger problem." "No more money in the budget." "What?" "I thought we had Cate Blanchett." "Cate Blanchett?" "Yeah, I thought we had Cate Blanchett with the budget." "Yöu mean "carte blanche."" "That one." "Welcome back, dum-dum." "We did have carte blanche." "Not no more." "Yöu got that expensive chase in the beginning, that expensive equipment, this fucking office..." "This look like some shit iron man would have." "Shit's expensive!" "I got on $800 shoes, and yöu can't even see the motherfuckers." "So now yöu two motherfuckers is in the crosshairs." "I'm warning yöu, find the supplier, but don't cost the department no more money." "Look, I apologize about the Zook thing." "Yöu were right, he's not the dealer." "Okay, great." "Yöu apologized." "What's that worth, man?" "Now we have no leads." "What are we supposed to do now?" "Police work." "Fuck." "(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)" "Don't throw a fucking dead person's dildo at me." "We're at work right now, okay?" "JENKO:" "Kids don't check out books anymore, right?" "I don't even think they know how to read." "Library." "Book place." "Library." "The supplier is putting drugs inside the books in the library, where literally no one goes anymore, man." "And the dealers check out the books." "We're going to catch the supplier." "(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)" "Do yöu realize how cool..." "Wait, one sec, one sec." "What's up, dude?" "Hey, dude, where are yöu?" "We're warming up." "The game's about to start." "All right, man." "Um, look, I'm just Gonna..." "I'm coming." "All right, later." "What are yöu doing?" "Don't leave me hanging." "Dude, I got to go or I'm Gonna blow my cover, okay?" "Yöu can do this alone." "I'll be back in two hours." "Yöu got this." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Yöu scared me." "ZOOK:" "State name!" "Number!" "State name!" "Number!" "Color!" "Color!" "Number!" "MAN:" "This is the place." "Yöu'd think if somebody wants to show us their operation, they'd at least be on time." "Look at this crap." "Huh?" "I do miss the days..." "Shit." "What's he doing here?" "..." "When people did normal drugs." "What is this?" "Jelly beans?" "Crap!" "Set, hut!" "BOB:" "Mcquaid crosses in an end-around." "It's a trick play!" "These two are practically interchangeable." "Mcquaid throws down the field to haythe." "And he hangs on for the touchdown!" "JIM:" "These two are peas in a pod, Bob, but instead of little green balls, they are human football players." "ANNOUNCER:" "Let's hear it once again, mc state, for yöur dynamic duo." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Oh, shit." "My brother needs me again." "Look, yöu know, loyalty's cool, and I admire it, and I know he's yöur brother." "But yöu can't allow yöurself to be held down by a guy just because he won't let go." "JENKO:" "Yeah." "Um..." "I gotta take a piss." "MAN:" "The kid's pretty rude to make us wait like this." "Can yöu shut it?" "What's wrong with those classic drugs from the '90s?" "Heroin, yöu know, cocaine..." "Hey, hey." "Whoa." "Shit." "I'm fucking here." "Yöu happy?" "Shh!" "The ghost is right there, okay?" "He's about to meet up with the supplier." "Hey." "Check that out." "JENKO:" "Yöu shush." "Yöu're the one fucking talking." "Yöu're being so fucking loud." "Yöu shut the fuck up." "What's going on here?" "SCHMIDT:" "Shit!" "Um... (STUTTERING) Yöu're interrupting a really stellar blow job." "Oh, fuck, I just came so hard!" "What the hell is going on?" "It's okay." "It's just a couple of faggots." "Hey, Yo, what the fuck did yöu just say?" "Did yöu just call us "faggots"?" "He said yöu were sucking his dick." "It's 2014, asshole." "Yöu can't fucking use "faggot."" ""Gay" is okay." ""Homosexual," maybe." "And if yöu know the person, yöu might be able to call them a "queer."" "If they have a great sense of humor, but I don't." "I'm sorry, he took one human sexuality class, he thinks he's Harvey milk." "Oh, my God." "Will yöu please, just for once, just back me up?" "Why can't yöu just use yöur head for once?" "Oh." "Yöu want me to use my head?" "Fine." "Oh, yeah, what's up now, motherfuckers?" "Yöu remember me?" "I'm yöur best night..." "I'm yöur worst nightmare." "Oh, man, it's my memory." "It's getting worse lately." "Are yöu the police?" "Yeah, that's right." "And yöu motherfuckers are all under arrest." "(GHOST CHUCKLES)" "Where's yöur gun?" "What?" "Do yöu have guns?" "No." "No, I don't." "'Cause we have guns." "Well, why don't yöu put yöur guns down, and let's fight like men?" "Because we have guns." "Schmidt, run!" "Get him!" "Go!" "Go, go." "Go!" "Shit!" "(GUNS FIRING)" "GHOST:" "How hard can it be?" "Shoot them!" "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" "Shoot them!" "Shoot them!" "Come on, this way, it's faster." "No, just come this..." "Schmidt!" "Schmidt!" "(GROANS)" "Hurry up, okay?" "Schmidt, will yöu hurry up!" "Stop yelling at me!" "Yöu're distracting me!" "Schmidt, come on!" "Let's go!" "I can't jump down!" "I'm not, like, fucking spider-man!" "I'm Gonna get the car." "Stairs are so much faster." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "That's the car yöu got?" "I'm sorry it's not a fucking lambo." "Shut up and get in." "Are they even still chasing us?" "Yes, they're still chasing us!" "Why did yöu do that?" "We were about to catch the supplier." "What's wrong with yöu?" "Look, if yöu don't say something, people will never stop discriminating." "Will yöu please do something about how slow this thing's going?" "(SCREAMS)" "Oh, shit!" "Watch out, watch out!" "That is just like a little helmet machine." "(BOTH SCREAMING)" "We can't destroy any more stuff!" "We can't waste any more of the department's money!" "Watch out for that cash machine!" "ALL:" "Whoo!" "Which way?" "Which way?" "Which way?" "SCHMIDT:" "Whichever way's cheaper!" "Right?" "Yöu went right?" "Yöu could've gone in a parking lot, yöu went to the sculpture garden?" "Do yöu know how expensive that's Gonna be?" "Shit!" "It's like they're trying to hit 'em or something." "I mean, it looks cool, but, I mean, it's just so wasteful." "SCHMIDT:" "They're destroying everything!" "Captain's Gonna kill us!" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "What are we Gonna do?" "All right, we're Gonna lose 'em in the robotics lab." "What?" "(CLATTERING)" "SCHMIDT:" "Oh, no!" "Oh, we broke everything!" "There was a lot of expensive stuff in there!" "Oh, shit!" "They're going into the stadium!" "Listen, Schmidt, I gotta tell yöu something." "I got offered a scholarship to play football here next year." "And Zook said I could room with him, yöu know, so I was thinking that I could do that, maybe." "What?" "Yöu can't be a cop and stay here and play football with Zook." "No, look, I know, okay?" "It's just..." "There's no friction with me and Zook." "We're the same." "Do yöu want out?" "If yöu want out, just say it." "No, I don't want out, okay?" "It's just, when I'm on the football field and I'm diving for a pass, I feel like I can fly." "All right?" "And when I'm with yöu, it just feels like yöu hold me down." "I just wish yöu could fly with me." "BOB:" "And the statesmen win, 34-14." "(ALL CHEERING) JIM:" "And there go the fans onto the field." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(ALL GROANING)" "SCHMIDT:" "Jenko!" "Jesus Christ!" "Dude, the brakes are out." "What?" "Get the fuck out of the way!" "Yöu gotta jump." "Yöu gotta jump, jump, jump!" "No." "(CROWD GASPS)" "(CREAKING)" "Fuck!" "(CHEERING)" "Let's go, boss." "We gotta go." "(LAUGHS)" "Yöu did it!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yöu're under arrest, sir." "Hey, I'm an officer, all right?" "Just take me in." "I'll explain later." "No, no, no." "Hey, he's a student." "He didn't do anything." "Wait, wait." "What are yöu doing?" "What are yöu doing?" "I, um..." "I decided for yöu." "Just stick with football." "I can't give yöu the same feeling that these guys can." "Maybe we were only supposed to do this once." "What?" "Dude, this is the fucking best moment of my life!" "Let's go, man!" "ALL: (CHANTING) Mcquaid!" "Mcquaid!" "Mcquaid!" "♫...♪" "MAYA:" "Hey, Maya Angelou." "Thanks for lying to me." "Aw." "BOTH:" "Lam-bros!" "Yes!" "BOTH:" "Brad Mcquaid!" "Brad Mcquaid!" "Brad Mcquaid!" "Brad..." "How are we doing tonight, sir?" "Good, thanks." "Are we waiting on anybody or yöu dining alone?" "Someone may swing by, but we can..." "We can order without them." "We have identified and arrested one Dr. Karl Murphy, who was found with whyphy residue throughout his office... and had a close personal relationship with the deceased." "Exactly like a case we had recently at a high school." "Exactly the same." "The case is closed." "Yöu know, like, what yöu're Gonna do after yöu're out of here?" "Yöu're not supposed to throw rocks." "What?" "Yöu're not supposed to throw rocks." "(GROANS) ♫I ain't missing yöu at all ♪" "♫since yöu've been gone away ♪ the lobster for one person." "Enough for one person only." "♫No matter what my friends say ♪" "I found something in this whyphy case that caught my attention." "Get the fuck out of my office." "Sir, yöu don't..." "We caught the guy." "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "BOTH:" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "Hey, yöu want to do anything else other than work out today?" "Like what?" "Come on, dude." "They're just lobsters, dude." "Come on." "No, don't be afraid." "It's Gonna claw yöur face." "It's Gonna claw yöur face." "(ALL CLAPPING)" "It's Gonna be like this, dude, for the rest of our lives." "♫...♪" "♫down this long distance line tonight ♪" "♫I ain't missing yöu at all ♪" "♫since yöu've been gone away ♪" "♫I ain't missing yöu ♪" "♫no matter what my friends say ♪" "♫ain't missing yöu ♪ hey." "Hey." "What are yöu doing here?" "Just came to see how yöu are." "I'm doing fucking great." "I'm the happiest I've ever been, so I'm just having a great time with myself." "I'm glad yöu're having a good time with yöurself." "I'm a solo artist now, like Beyonce." "I used to have the other destiny's children, but now I'm just, uh, a lone superstar." "Happy for yöu." "Just a light-skinned Princess with a dream and an amazing voice." "That's great." "How are yöu?" "I'm pretty great." "I just chill and..." "Yöu know how chill Zook is." "Zook's such a chill guy." "Just like ice." "That makes me so happy for yöu." "So, look, I just wanted to say that, like," "I was thinking about the case, and I was worried that they got the wrong guy for it." "I don't think he's the guy, either." "Yeah?" "I looked into the ghost's background, and I saw that he pays tuition for a student at mc state." "Yöu think the ghost could be the supplier's dad?" "Maybe." "Okay, that's a pretty good piece of information." "Thank yöu." "Well, I heard whyphy's coming back in a big way." "Someone's bringing a shit-ton of that stuff down to Puerto, Mexico, for spring break." "And if that happens, whyphy is going viral." "It's Gonna be at every college in the country." "I think my information was stronger." "Look, if yöu..." "If yöu want to, we could go down there." "Like together?" "We don't have to put a label on it." "Just, like, one-time." "One-time thing." "No big commitment or stress to each other." "What about school and football and yöur wonderful new life?" "I have time off." "I'm on spring break." "♫...♪" "(SIGHS)" "Cool tingling." "Got room for one of these babies." "A grenade." "Why yöu Gonna put it there?" "That's just unsanitary." "Feels right." "Missed a spot." "Yöu know this is just a one-time thing, right?" "I know." "So yöu're not Gonna be weird about this?" "Okay." "BOTH:" "Perfect." "Spring break, motherfucker." "Did yöu not see that I was going first?" "Excuse yöu." "Excuse yöu." "Yöu want to go first?" "EMCEE:" "Spring break, motherfuckers!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "♫...♪" "♫I be diving' in the crowd ♪" "♫shake my dreads, actin' wild ♪" "♫can't do lean, too blowed out ♪" "♫too turned up, I can't turn down ♪" "♫can't turn down can't turn down ♪" "♫can't turn down ♪" "hey." "♫All I wanna do is party ♪" "♫my head keep on spinning around ♪" "♫baby girl, why don't yöu first ♪" "♫drop it to the ground ♪" "♫I be diving' in the crowd ♪" "♫shake my dreads, actin' wild ♪" "♫can't do lean, too blowed out ♪" "♫too turned up, I can't turn down ♪" "♫can't turn down can't turn down ♪" "♫can't turn down can't turn down ♪" "♫can't turn down can't turn down ♪" "♫can't turn down can't turn down ♪" "my gosh!" "I'm sweaty." "Yöu guys are actually eating stuff in here?" "That's so crazy." "JENKO:" "Come on, man, put yöur dick away." "Put yöur fucking dick away." "Upstairs, upstairs." "Let's go." "MERCEDES:" "Okay, so here's the plan." "We're Gonna get all these kids at spring break hooked on whyphy." "Then yöu're Gonna bring it back to yöur turf, and yöu're Gonna sell the shit out of it." ""Sell shit out of it." Do yöu see that?" "And if yöu rat me out, I framed my psych prof just for giving me a b-minus." "He's in jail now, so don't fuck with me." "We're Gonna build a nationwide network." "What?" "What the fuck are yöu doing?" "Be quiet." "Why don't yöu sell those old classic drugs from the '90s, like cocaine, heroin and..." "Dad, those are, like, old-people drugs." "That's, like, what they did on the golden girls." "Like, blanche did heroin." "All right, I'll just sit here and be silent." "Blanche never did heroin." "Okay, so, Yangs, yöu'll take my dead roommate's spot." "Cool." "Dope." "Are yöu kidding me, Yangs?" "Are yöu fucking high?" "Of course." "Yeah, I am." "Jesus Christ, have yöu ever heard of," ""don't get high on yöur own supply"?" "We didn't." "Nah." "I didn't do that." "Yeah, I used his and he used mine." "Okay, well, now I have to make a fucking example out of yöu." "That's a gun." "Yeah." "Who first?" "Yöu want to go first?" "I don't want to die." "Yöu die..." "I don't want to die." "Yöu want to do rock paper scissors?" "Rock paper scissors?" "That's how we'll do it." "That's how we'll do it." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Yeah, we won't figure this out." "I'll shoot both of yöu." "GHOST:" "Darling." "If yöu're going into the family business, yöu will have to have a clean record." "That's why we have these guys to do it for us." "BOTH:" "Oh, fuck." "Jinx." "We got to move right now." "BOTH:" "Buy me a coke in heaven." "Jinx again." "Put yöur guns down!" "Fucking guns down!" "Doug?" "My name's not Doug, it's Schmidt." "And guess what, we're cops." "Boom." "Oh, my God." "Yeah, everybody knows." "Really?" "Yöu guys look like the stars of a cop show called Hawaiian dads." "All right, enough is enough." "Boys, move in!" "Oh, do we have company?" "GHOST:" "Yeah!" "Drop yöur guns." "Drop yöurs first." "We have way more guns than yöu." "Drop yöur fucking guns." "Okay, that's a good point." "Wow. (LAUGHS)" "I mean, was this really yöur entire plan?" "Coming in here with no backup?" "Or maybe we had a far more elaborate plan." "Mmm..hmm." "Maybe my partner has a tracking device in his pocket right now." "May... what?" "Yöu had the fucking tracking device." "I don't have it." "That's the one fucking thing yöu were supposed to remember." "JENKO:" "Yöu're the smart person." "Yöu do the tracking device shit." "That's yöur domain." "I do the Physical shit." "SCHMIDT:" "Yöu know what, I may drag yöu down sometimes, but every possible time yöu can do something dumb, yöu do the dumbest possible thing." "No, the fucking dumbest possible thing is letting two cops blah..blah..blah while other cops are getting in position to bust their shit in." "Oh, so yöu mean I brought the tracking device." "Yeah." "What's up now, huh?" "That seemed like such a real argument." "That's improv, bitch." "Move!" "Spring break yöurself, fool." "We shoot dicks off here in jump street." "We're here, as well." "We jump street, and we about to jump in Yo' ass." "Right in the crack." "Don't do it, Leatherface." "(GUNS FIRING)" "(SHOUTING)" "DICKSON:" "He's got the drugs!" "This is so boring." "No one's getting shot." "(GRUNTS)" "(LAUGHS) Oh, my God." "Did yöu just get shot, like, right after I fucking said that?" "Can I have yöur gun?" "It's bigger." "(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" "Stop!" "I'll shoot yöu in the ass!" "Dad!" "Maya?" "What are yöu doing here?" "This is a shoot-out." "Yöu know what happens in a shoot-out." "They always kidnap the girl." "Not always." "Mercedes?" "Yöu're coming with me." "Bitch, please." "I ain't going nowhere with yöu." "(GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS)" "(GROANS)" "Now." "Dad, what do I do?" "Is that my bathing suit?" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Just ask." "It's polite." "Yöu shot me in my foot!" "Wait!" "Move!" "Move faster now!" "I'm taking my time." "Shit, yöu shot me in my goddamn foot." "Doug?" "Doug!" "Maya!" "Mercedes just took my dad that way!" "Okay, we're on it." "DICKSON:" "If I die, I'm Gonna kill both of yöu motherfuckers!" "Fuck." "How are we Gonna catch him now?" "(ENGINE REVVING)" "Lambo." "Policia!" "Policia!" "Fuck off." "Shit, there's ghost!" "What?" "What do we do?" "Uh, we need to split up." "Are yöu okay with that?" "Yeah, I can do it." "Are yöu sure?" "I need to drive, 'cause yöu're faster on foot." "What?" "I don't get to drive the lambo?" "No, yöu don't." "Come on, let's go!" "But I want..." "Who gives a shit about the lambo?" "Just go!" "Let go of the fucking keys!" "I can't let 'em go." "Yöu're Gonna have to take 'em." "Take care of her, okay?" "It'll be glorious, I promise." "How do yöu drive this thing?" "Yöu got to let her drive yöu, bro." "(GRUNTING)" "SCHMIDT:" "I can't get in." "(TIRES SCREECHING) Hey!" "Look where yöu're going!" "(CAR HONKING)" "It's so confusing!" "Easy, bitch." "My hands are hurting." "Whoa!" "Yöu know who's behind us in that car?" "That's one of the best drivers that we got." "Fuck!" "Oh, shit." "SCHMIDT:" "Fucking complicated." "What is this?" "Holy shit!" "Yöu fucked up me driving a Lamborghini, yöu dick!" "Fuck yöu, doves!" "EMCEE:" "Puerto, Mexico, let's hear yöu get crazy!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "It's like a Batmobile." "Come on, Schmidt!" "Old man coming through!" "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me." "Brad!" "Spring break!" "JENKO:" "Look, I can't, all right?" "Dude, I got to go." "I got to go." "This is quite enough." "Yöu need to let me go and drop all this." "Get out of the way!" "Tokyo drift!" "That was way too fast and pretty..." "Way too..." "A little bit too furious." "Schmidt!" "Get over here!" "I'm handcuffed!" "(GUNSHOT) (ALL GASP)" "Give it up, asshole!" "And nice parking job!" "Fuck!" "I'll be right back." "I gotta go." "I'll be right back." "Sorry." "That's a direct order, motherfucker!" "Come over here!" "MERCEDES:" "Yöu are so old and weak!" "Drop the fucking gun!" "Seriously!" "MERCEDES:" "Get yöur wrinkly hands off me!" "Where the hell have yöu been?" "Looking for yöu." "I've been running like crazy!" "Hey!" "Hey." "Want to fight like a man?" "Then yöu better fight like two men." "Hey." "Hey." "Really?" "More twins?" "(GRUNTING)" "Get up, old man river!" "Come on!" "Hey." "Get up and hit me, yöu fucking pussy!" "I'm not Gonna fight a girl, so just stop!" "It shouldn't matter." "If yöu thought of me as a person instead of a woman, yöu would hit me and not feel bad about it." "Okay." "Bring it!" "I'm ready." "It's on now, Dawg." "Girl fight." "(BOTH GRUNT)" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh, my God." "Is there blood in my eye?" "Oh, my God." "Are yöu all right?" "I think there's blood in my eye." "Fucking learn how to hit!" "(GRUNTS)" "That's a little better!" "That's a little better, motherfucker!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "(GRUNTS)" "No!" "No!" "What?" "What were yöu doing?" "What am I doing?" "Why'd yöu try to kiss me?" "I didn't fucking try and kiss yöu!" "Yes, yöu did." "Ooh, yöu're so weird!" "Yöu're fucking Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing me." "I'm not Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing yöu." "This wasn't a sexy fight." "Oh, like yöu haven't wanted to kiss me the whole time." "I never once wanted to kiss yöu!" "Never!" "No!" "Yöu just did it again!" "Stop it!" "Stop!" "Yöu're making a face that is sexy!" "I don't even want to kiss yöu!" "Then stop trying!" "Yöu keep trying!" "I've never tried to kiss yöu." "Yöu gave me "kiss me" eyes." "No, I didn't." "The eyes were "I just got punched in the face" eyes." "They weren't "kiss me" eyes." "I don't even like yöu!" "Neither do I, so stop kissing me!" "Okay!" "No!" "Yöu're leaning in again!" "I didn't know if we were Gonna punch or kiss!" "Yöu're making this so uncomfortable." "This is the most uncomfortable fistfight I've ever been in." "I'm Gonna give yöu an out by punching yöu in the face." "Okay?" "Okay." "And then we're Gonna go back to fighting and we'll pretend this never happened, 'cause I feel so awkward." "(GRUNTS)" "(CHEERING)" "I want to see yöu get crazy!" "Whoo!" "(VOMITING)" "I fucking hate spring break!" "Fuck!" "Ow!" "Are yöu kidding me?" "It's plastic." "Doesn't even hurt!" "Okay..." "This isn't the spring break yöu imagined?" "How about this?" "Yöu want a little fun?" "What is that?" "Get wet, baby!" "So much lube in my face!" "Oh." "Lube on my face." "Yöu're so violent!" "Get off me unless yöu're Gonna fuck me!" "I'm not Gonna fuck yöu!" "Are we Gonna fuck?" "No, we're not!" "Is that what's happening?" "No!" "I'm not Gonna fuck yöu, ever!" "Get off!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "(PEOPLE GASP)" "What?" "What are yöu Gonna do?" "Choke me with yöur liver-spotted hands?" "Yöu Gonna push me over with yöur Walker?" "I'm impressed yöu caught up to me." "Yöu probably haven't run that fast since yöu played stickball in the field behind old pop Wiggleby's sweet shop." "Freeze, bitch." "Oh, thank God." "Look who got off the motherfucking leash." "Now who's the damsel in distress?" "SCHMIDT:" "Fuck!" "Well, I guess it's him." "I don't have a clean shot, Schmidt." "Then don't take the shot!" "Maybe I want to take a dirty shot." "Kind of like the dirty shot yöu took on my daughter." "I didn't take a dirty shot on yöur daughter, okay?" "We talked a lot, and we care about each other." "All the good qualities yöu have," "I can feel inside of Maya." "I'm Gonna take the shot." "Don't take the shot." "I can shoot right through yöur shoulder, hit the bitch right in the chest." "Don't take the shot." "I'm taking the shot." "I'll take the fucking shot." "Nobody take the shot before me." "MERCEDES:" "How about we take it at the same time?" "No one take a shot." "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "Shit!" "Yöu have the right to remain silent..." "DICKSON:" "No, no, no, I got this." "Yöu go handle the ghost." "He's on the roof." "I'm on it." "I got it." "DICKSON:" "What yöu looking at?" "Oh!" "Good job on the cuffs, baby girl." "(PANTING)" "So many fucking stairs." "It's me!" "It's me!" "Shit." "(CHUCKLES) Yöu made it, dude." "Did yöu get Mercedes?" "Yeah." "All by myself." "Really?" "Mainly by myself." "Okay." "And, dude, yöu were right, that lambo..." "Just can't hear that right now." "It's a shitty-made car." "It's not good." "Hey, let's go." "We got to go." "How many bullets yöu got left?" "None." "Act like yöu have bullets, then." "(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)" "We gotta go!" "We have to wait for pudding!" "Jenko!" "Go, go!" "(GRUNTS)" "Here, take this." "Okay." "I tried to take a bullet for yöu, man." "Yeah." "But yöu didn't." "But I tried." "It's the thought that matters." "No, it's not the thought that counts." "It's fucking taking the bullet." "Cover me." "I'm Gonna go long." "Okay." "(CLICKS)" "(GRUNTS)" "Bye-bye, Terminator!" "Hey!" "Get off of my chopper!" "Can yöu shake him off?" "I'm coming for yöu, motherfucker!" "GHOST:" "Come on, just wiggle the stick back and forth!" "He's only got one arm!" "I only need one arm to punch yöu in the dick." "Shake him off!" "Shake him off!" "Don't be a pussy!" "(SCREAMS)" "Holy shit!" "SCHMIDT:" "I did it!" "I look so fucking badass!" "Oh, my God, yöu flew!" "This is crazy!" "Yöu made the leap, man!" "Why'd yöu do that?" "SCHMIDT: 'Cause yöu did it!" "I couldn't leave yöu hanging, man!" "What are yöu talking about?" "I was fine." "I had it." "Yöu weren't..." "(GRUNTING)" "I got yöu!" "Shit!" "Schmidt!" "I got yöu!" "Yöu saved my life!" "(SCHMIDT YELLS)" "(CHEERING)" "I just realized something." "Yöu don't hold me down, man." "Yöu lift me up." "Literally and figuratively." "Yeah, I know." "I meant both." "Yöu don't drag me down, either, man." "I mean, except right now." "Yöu're dragging me down." "Yöu're really heavy." "Hey, listen, there's a grenade in my shorts." "Can yöu reach it?" "Yöu gotta go in from underneath." "Oh, shit!" "Is that it?" "That's my dick." "What about that?" "That's my dick also." "(SCHMIDT YELLS)" "Why is it hard?" "I have so much adrenaline right now!" "JENKO:" "Is that it?" "(LAUGHING) Yöu'reticklingme ." "I can't find it!" "That's it!" "Grab it!" "Yes!" "No, I got it in my mouth." "Say something cool when yöu throw it!" "One, two, three!" "Something cool!" "They're gone!" "Oh, I feel so..." "Whoo..hoo!" "(CHEERING)" "We did it!" "Dude, fuck, I'm..." "Ow!" "Oh!" "Shit, sorry." "Dude, I miss yöu so much, man." "I miss yöu, too." "Yöu were like a tiny little flower seed and I was clenching yöu in my fist." "But a flower, it can't grow in a fist." "A little seed needs to fly away free and find its soil." "Yeah, I know." "I tried to soil myself and, dude, I didn't like it." "I wanted a relationship without friction." "Dude, yöu need friction to create fire." "And that's what we have, we have fire." "Dude, I'm in." "I'm all in." "Thank God." "Dude, this is what I've always wanted." "Just me and yöu, buddy." "I love yöu." "Me, too, man." "I love yöu, man." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Yöu know what?" "That's who he should be with, man." "What?" "Hey, what'd yöu say when yöu threw the grenade up there?" "(LAUGHS) I said, "something cool."" "What did yöu say?" "It was "something cool." No, but what'd yöu say?" "Yeah, I know." "I said, "something cool."" "I didn't expect spring break to be this stinky." "It's pretty gross." "Man, we're getting too old for this shit." "We started off too old for this shit." "(CHUCKLING) Yöu ain't lying about that." "Dude, we're even about the arm thing, okay?" "Right?" "What?" "What do yöu want to do?" "(LAUGHS)" "Don't move." "Fuck." "All right." "Just get it over with, all right?" "Don't move." "One..." "Just graze my arm." "I don't want yöu to hit the bone." "Two, three. (BULLET RICOCHETS)" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Oh, my God, are yöu all right?" "Shit!" "Why, man?" "Why am I always getting hurt around yöu?" "Jenko, what are yöu doing?" "JENKO:" "Oh, fuck yöu." "Fuck yöu, Schmidt." "Stop dicking around." "Hey, cap." "Congratulations, yöu two." "Yöu managed to un-fuck up the situation yöu originally fucked up." "Thanks." "I wish yöu can un-fuck my daughter, but I'm Gonna let that be the past." "Now, for yöur next mission, yöu two sons of bitches are going to medical school." "What?" "(YELLING) (GUNS FIRING)" "This time, foreign exchange students." "Awesome." "Yes!" "In Russia." "What?" "Do Svidanya." "Vodka soda." "Next assignment." "A semester at sea." "Yöu two sons of bitches are going to culinary school." "There's a microchip in this empanada." "Old family recipe." "Best to keep it a secret." "Oh, shit!" "New assignment..." "Cap, does Schmidt look any different to yöu?" "DICKSON:" "No." "That's Schmidt." "I don't know what yöu're talking about, man." "He look exactly the same to me." "I got new glasses." "Yeah, man, he just got some new glasses, man." "God damn." "(WHISPERING) No one's Gonna fucking notice." "Let's do this, Schmidt." "Yeah." "Just like we always do, Jenkins." "(WHISPERING) It's Jenko." "Sorry." "I'm really, really glad yöu're back, Schmidt." "What are yöu talking about?" "What contract dispute?" "I've been here the whole time." "DICKSON:" "Man, shut the fuck up." "How about a flight academy?" ""Hope You've Liked  Enjoyed The Movie"" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "Undercover just got a whole lot sexier." "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "Yöu're jump street, right?" "Yeah." "How the fuck do yöu know that?" "I'm booker." "Oh, shit." "Man, yöu're a legend." "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "Traffic school!" "Military school." "Scuba class." "Dance academy." "Yes." "Finally something I'm amazing at." "♫Yöur friends will be there when yöur back is to the wall ♪" "♫yöu'll find yöu need us ♪" "♫'cause there's no one else to call. ♪" "DICKSON:" "Yöu sons of bitches is Gonna be in a video game." "SCHMIDT:" "Let's blow shit up." "JENKO:" "Jump street style." "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "♫We out of control all over the place ♪" "♫and somebody gotta put it to a stop, quick ♪" "♫out on the road all up in yöur face. ♪" "JENKO:" "Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers." "SCHMIDT:" "It's inking in my mouth!" "DICKSON:" "Don't fuck my daughter." "♫...♪" "(SIRENS BLARING)" "♫They're the jump street and 'bout to jump up in yöur ass ♪" "♫this the special unit that's designed to keep it quiet ♪" "♫we infiltrate the dealers and we find the damn suppliers ♪" "♫don't need permission to decide what yöu believe ♪" "♫say jump, jumping down on jump street ♪ all right, new assignment." "Six hours of makeup?" "We're getting too old for this shit." "(CHUCKLING) Nice." "♫...♪" "♫wait, we just here trying to find us ♪" "♫Schmidt went lookin', till he found love ♪" "♫got his life sweet, bon appetit ♪" "♫spring break, bitch, throw a party on the beach ♪" "♫shit did change, but all that means ♪" "♫is that yöur real friends don't ever leave ♪" "♫will it ever be complete?" "♪" "♫Jump street won't ever cease ♪" "♫ever cease ever cease ♪" "♫ever cease ever cease ♪" "♫ever cease ever cease ♪" "♫ever cease ever cease ♪" "♫ever cease ever cease ♪" "♫ever cease ever cease ♪" "BOTH:" "Something cool!" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "♫...♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫yeah, me and my homie this is aye ♪" "♫and it's going down like a fire drill ♪" "♫came a long way, now we part here ♪" "♫and we still running shit, call it diarrhea ♪" "♫coming up together like them good fellas ♪" "♫heart through the loop ♪" "♫holding down, keep it real in these streets ♪" "♫back to the roof ♪" "♫anywhere, anytime I got yöur back like a spine ♪" "♫my homies never left behind my whole team get to shine ♪" "♫the world has opened up that's why we're blowing up ♪" "♫that's why we rolling up drinking till we throw up ♪" "♫the way we get this cheddar, there ain't nobody better ♪" "♫write our names in the sky 'cause we Gonna live forever ♪" "♫live forever, man ♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫life of the party, patron and Bacardi ♪" "♫get faded, get sloppy, and all up in that chick's body ♪" "♫came up with the people that's real ♪" "♫ticket to the meal ♪" "♫now like it, we all together ♪" "♫that's just how it is ♪" "♫I'm throwed like a strike out ♪" "♫shine brighter than a lighthouse ♪" "♫bigger than the white house ♪" "♫go against my team, get wiped out ♪" "♫got them choppers like troopers ♪" "♫don't make me split yöur head ♪" "♫my lil' homie left up here, he'll smoke ya like a cig ♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫we're Gonna live for we're Gonna live for ♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫we're Gonna live forever ♪" "♫yeah ♪" "♫forever ♪" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)" "Copyright from ecOtOne™" "Eric." "Eric, are yöu awake?" "No." "I'm late." "Copyright from ecOtOne™"