"For my mother" "Easy, Marcel." "There's a nice big crack." " How far are we?" " 142 feet." "Keep going." "On the left, the drain's completely smashed." "Ruined." "Right at Ontario St." "We gotta tell the owners." "Look at that." "The shit must back up when the lady flushes." "Sure, if it's like that." " Hey, boys!" " Mr Gratton." "Turn it off, the boss is here." "Don't mind me." "Just passing by." "Everything fine?" " Totally." " Good." "How about that Kuwait contract?" "Interested in sun, sand, chicks in veils...?" "Still under negotiation." " Does Pakistan interest you?" " Yeah." "We'll be redoing all Karachi's sewers." "Seems Karachi's in deep doo-doo." "Listen, kid." "Shit's a gold mine to us." "We live off it, damn it." "Bob, it's Jean." "Johnny!" "How's Ottawa treating you?" "Scandals aside, all's fine on deck." "Bob, we need you." " For what?" " We're filling posts before I go." " Of course." " We need someone solid at FedTV." " Me at FedTV?" " Why not?" "You know TV." " More or less..." " You've been at TeleSewer 3 years." " Yeah, but FedTV?" " They need a TV specialist." "Paul agrees with me." " Paul Desmarais?" " Yeah." "We're privatizing FedTV." " By selling it to me?" " Special price." " Desmarais's selling La Presse." "too?" "All the print media." "The whole enchilada." "All to you." "You're catching me off-guard." "Christ, Bob." "There aren't many intellectuals like you." " But I'm going moose-hunting!" " Think it over. I'll call back." "Think of the country:" "the Rockies, the damn Separatists." "Sewers and TV are all that unite us, from sea to sea!" "The Revenge of Elvis Wong" "Elvis Gratton XXX" "God damn it!" "Watch out, Méo." "You nearly killed me!" "Ever think we might be immortal?" "Christ, Méo." "There's more to life than cars, baseball and big tits." "Méo, I wanna have a kid." "Not with you, you stupid moron." "I wanna reproduce, leave something behind." "Christ, if they can clone cows, pigs, chickens, damn it, they can clone Elvis Gratton." "We'll find a surrogate mother." "Women'll throw themselves at a man like me." "The ideal woman, Méo." "Nothing but the best." "Of course!" "She's gotta be horny, lots of personality, lots of talent." "Tons of it!" "She's gotta be beautiful, foxy, always ready and willing." "Intelligent?" "Not overly." "It ain't necessary in a woman." "She's gotta cook well, like children, laundry, cleaning, ironing." "Mending." "Christ, Méo." "Mending!" "It's 2003!" "Get with the program." "Beat ya to the river." "Watch me win!" "Do something, damn it!" "Sonofabitch!" "Chrissake!" "My socks are cooked." "How's my wig?" "is way better." "Now that's product placement!" "Crikey..." "No, you don't have the hang of it." "Hand it over, I'll show you." "I just shit my pants." "This must be the clearing the guy mentioned." "Looks good." "We'll set up here." "Pass the box with the directions." "Not the cereal box, the tent box with the instructions." ""Congratulations on purchasing the new Suaver Camper Booster." "Attention." "To attempt tenting safely practize at home firstly."" "Good thing I speak Bilingual or we'd be sleeping outside." ""Step one." "Take piquet out of bocks."" "That was easy." ""lncert large end of spring into small and squeaze."" "Christ, you're pathetic." "It's not hard!" "The small end in the big." ""Danger." "Protect your's eyes from small spring." "Loss is not guaranteed." "Pusch rod to tent-top opening."" "Which opening, chrissake?" "There's at least 10." "Stop pushing like a retard." "That's my head." ""Then pull rod into slot and slide in completely."" "What does "slide deeply into slot" mean?" ""Then, swing board..."" "Must be this floorboard." ""Tilt roof towards you and zip."" "You're such an idiot." "Tilt the roof, not yourself." "Christ, tilt it towards you!" "Towards you, not me!" "Tilt it towards you." "Imbecile." ""Finally: grab zipper, and make it run along board." "Good night." "Fabriqué en Turquie." "Made of Turkey."" "It ain't Greek." "It's not Greek!" "What's China got to do with it?" "I said it ain't Greek, not not Chinese." "Don't you know the expression, "lt's Greek to me"?" "It ain't Chinese either!" "Christ, you stink, Méo." "It's like you ate garbage." "Where's my socks?" "Are these mine or yours?" "These are yours." "Gimme the others." "Christ, you butted your cigar in my shoe." "You seen my wig?" "You washed the dishes with it?" "Works good on pots." "God, you're stupid." "Where the hell's the door?" "Christ, I said big end in little end!" "Hello, everyone." "Well, it's done." "FedTV was for sale." "Today, I announce it's been sold." "FedTV?" "Sold?" "Yessir!" "Sold out completely." "S-O-L-D-O-U-T." "I just bought it." "Mr Gratton?" "is it true you're negotiating with Desmarais to take over the Power Corp media empire?" "Those aren't rumours." "has sold out too." "It's sold too?" "When was it sold?" "Ask Mr Paul." "I can't answer." "Except to say, he sold me the works." "And your stage career?" "Finito, frig." "The showbiz ends here." "I'll give my fans a farewell show then focus on Gratton Media." "Gratton Media will control 8 TV stations, 12 radio stations," "5 major papers, plus regionals, ad agencies and 30 magazines." "Not to mention, TeleSewer." "Aren't you apprehensive?" "You've no media-management skills." "Whadya mean?" "Shit-disturbing at TeleSewer or FedTV: same diff!" "They say you're still interested in movies." "Glad you asked." "I'm currently preparing for Elvis Gratton lll:" ""The Revenge of Elvis Wong"." "Your last film was severely criticized." "Will this be another Falardeau film?" "Don't mention him." "That asshole made me out to be a total moron!" "This is gonna be different." "A real film d'auteuse." "You mean a film d'auteur." "No." "Got a woman screenwriter." "Waiter, waitress, writer, writeress, porter, porterhouse... lt'll be directed by Wim Wonders." "German director, Wim Wenders." "Dunno where he's from, but he's got a substle style, unlike that hillbilly, Falardeau." "Anyhoo, if we don't come away with the Continental Cannes trophy, my name ain't Elvis Gratton." "My film vill be great film." "Fery great film." "Masterpiece." "Like in East Cherrmany." "Sophie-Andrée, tell him." "Ze film eez about ze tumultuous love affairs of a Bosnian psychiatriste and his Jewish lesbian twin sisters." "Holy cow!" "The psychiatriste eez a former Nazi who lost an eye on ze Russian front during WWll." "Very post-Freudian." "Holy cow." "As for ze 2 sisters," "Olga has aids." "She's clitorale, and a uniped." "Holy cow!" "And Gerda eez more vaginale." "She gradually becomes bisexual and morphine-addicted." "Holy cow!" "So she takes a lover." "A handsome, young Afghan, well developed, very rich, very everysing!" "Holy mother of all cows." "She picks him because he's Shiite." "To give ze shrink shit." "Holy cow!" "So ze action takes place in an old factory at ze Manhattan waterfront and on a Kosovarian freighter anchored off ze Java coast." "Holy cow." "Numbskull." "That's when Elvis Vong comes in." "Holy cow!" "He's now a sumo wrestler." "Holy fat cow!" "So, in close contact wiz all zese bodies, steaming wiz ambiguous virility," "Elvis Vong discovers his latent homosexuality." "Holy bull." "This film... ultimately deals wizze true problematic of the 21st century." "Holy mother of all sacred cows!" "Critics will rave!" "They'll pee their blessed pants!" "Holy cow!" "Bigger than life!" "They got big bucks!" "Bigger 'n better!" "Those Americans." "They got deep throats, deeper pockets." "They got really fat slobs!" "They got it all, those Americans..." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "And now, for you ladies, my most touching love song." "Put your hand down my shorts." "Go to the depths of my heart." "Put your hand down my shorts." "Christ!" "Happiness awaits you there..." "Sonofabitch!" "You mumble like a pro!" "But on FedRadio, you gotta mumble better." "I dunno." "Anything, as long as it's dignified, serious." "Better!" "Keep that up, but with your lips like this." "Now that's more like it." "You just need Preparation-H on your lips." "No joke!" "I read in Relevance." "Hollywood actors use it for wrinkles." "Not their purses, the bags under their eyes!" "Stop fooling around." "Méo, we gotta have a talk." "Listen up." "We're gonna integrate our media - horizontally, vertically, even diagonally, Christ." "It's called "convergence"." "Convergence!" "It's easy." "The word says it all." "La Presse, the Liberal Party and FedTV all working together!" "Let's say Charest and Martin dance a tango on Canada Day." "I want an editorial next day by Mario Roy in La Presse, picked up on radio news, then a TV interview, magazine articles, even advertising, damn it!" "Then back to La Presse." "Pratte puts in his 2¢-worth on Charest's P.R. and they're off!" "That's convergence!" "We'll converge like crazy!" "It's like a shit pump." "Prime it, it runs automatically." "Whenever shit happens, it keeps pumping." "I ain't done yet." "Here's our Gratton Media slogan:" ""No matter where, when, what or how."" "Whadya mean, the Wrigley's motto?" "What does that have to do with it?" "Goddamn Wrigley's..." "Leave them out of it, Christ!" "Put the gym stuff in the bedroom." "For crying out loud, Méo." "You're working like a moron." "That strip's backwards." "Gimme that." "It's simple." "It ain't rocket science." "Where do I go?" "Come on." "Hold on." "Wipe it down." "There's a lump." "Right there." "Hey, it's my wig." "Crap, Méo!" "That's my wig!" "Halifax... goes under James Bay." "Right. lt fits." "Ontario goes here." "Labrador... lt ain't in Quebec!" "It's the Newfies'." "Nice, eh?" "Like Australia without kangaroos." "But we got the Queen." "Canada, from sea to sea." "Look." "Pigeons in Vancouver, the RCMP horsies," "Western cattle, moose in Manitoba, mammoth rats in Ontario, seals in the Granby Zoo." "No seals?" "No matter." "Ducks in Lafontaine Park," "New Brunswick cod, Nova Scotia sardines, the Colonel's chicken, Newfoundland fish 'n' chips." "I don't know how anyone could reject this." "Méo, you're right." "I don't wanna lose my passport and Canadian Tire money either." "It goes in here." "I gotta do everything around here." "C'mon." "It won't go through." "We'll put it in the office." "Pass the butter, dear." "Thanks." "The salt and sugar too." " Look at her when you ask." " Right." "Where's Ginette?" "At the dentist, getting overhauled." "I mean, in the scene." "On your left." "From the top!" "Darling, pass me the butter." "Thanks." "And the salt and sugar." "Make it quieter but more intense." "Darling, pass the butter." "Thanks." "Now the salt and the sugar." "Perfect." "Remember, you're declaring love." "Darling, pass the butter." "Thanks." "That's too adolescent." "She just cheated after 10 years, but you still love her." "Again." "From the top." "Darling, pass the butter." "Thanks." "How about the salt and sugar?" "What's with you today?" "Sorry, I can't." "Can I ask for something else?" "Pepper, crackers, cheese curds?" "There is no way." "The text must be respected!" "Good scripts are rare." " Care to write one?" " This set... is all-out Can-Con." "Old Sheila Copps'll fund us to the hilt." "Hope so." "What could be more Canadian?" "A bilingual beaver blowing a Mountie at the Calgary Stampede?" "Darling, pass the butter." "And also the salt and sugar." "No. I said salt and sugar." "Good... I felt it." "The script?" "Ultra-Canadian." "Jacques Godbout and John Saul:" "30 minutes of salt and butter." "A sure bet for the GiGi award." "Saul's married to the general governess?" "Christ, we hit the jackpot." "We'll win for sure!" "She's Chinese?" "Half-Chinese?" "What do the Chinese have to do with it?" "No!" "The Chinese!" "I tell ya, we gotta clean house if we're gonna raise our ratings." "Take that fat-fag former minister with his retarded hats." "Looks like a crazy lady." "He goes back to The Inquirer, tops." "Along with that bald guy with the hen-butt mouth." "His celebrity sex stories will really sell." "And I can't take that old coot on WD-5." "Much more and I'll run him over." "Give him his separation slip." "Multi-ethnic product placement." "That should make a buck or two." "The Revenge of Elvis Wong, Take 3." "Aktion!" "Cut!" "Monsieur Bob!" "Oh, yes!" "The information director?" "Send him in." " Shall I come back this aft?" " Yes." "Another letter to dictate." "Hello, sir." "Am I too soon?" "No, I was just exercising." " How long were you with Johnny?" " Five years." "Doing P.R., then writing." "You wrote speeches?" "Yes." "For 3 years, I wrote for the P.M., or "Johnny"." "Then I was information director at FedTV." "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." "I watched the news a couple times, and news from Vancouver, Winnipeg, Calgary bugs me." "Who the hell cares?" "Fires in Thunder Bay, crashes in Moose Jaw, who cares?" "We don't give a damn if it's snowing in Nfld. or raining shit in B.C." "People wanna know what's happening here." "Agreed, those stories are boring, yet we must give the Québécois the impression all Canada is their home." "That was Trudeau's strategy, carried on by Chrétien." "Sure, but it's expensive and boring." "You're perfectly right, but, if I may say so, our job at FedTV is audience cultivation, not information." "How did you put that?" "Our mandate is not to inform the public, but to influence it." "Take our pan-Canada weather report." "Climate itself less important than the context wherein it happens." "What counts is selling Canada subliminally." "Subliminally..." ""lnformation" is far out!" ""Cultivation," Monsieur Bob." "Cult-ization." "Love ya, Dubuc." "He's perfect." " Whiskey?" " Certainly!" "25 years old." "Paid a fortune." "I take it with lots of ice and Diet Pepsi." "I'm on a diet." " Straight up." " No problem." "To cultivation." "Damn thing!" "Go to hell, fat cow!" "Right-front tire pressure is low." "It's not low, it's non-existent!" " l repeat- - l ain't deaf, chrissake!" "Your tire pressure's low." "Go to hell." "The trunk is not closed." "It is so. I'm caught in it!" "I repeat, the trunk is not closed." "I'm caught, God damn it!" "Shut your craw." "My keys!" "Calm down, shall we?" "Sonofabitch!" " l brought your tapes, sir." " Thanks, Natasha." "You're hurt?" "Got caught in my car, had to push it 'til my feet bled, crawling like Gandhi." "Want a Thai massage?" "Better be careful with this neck-bracelet." " As you wish." " Maybe tomorrow I'll dictate." " Lunch as usual?" " Yeah." "Want me to bring food?" "Just dessert..." "See you tomorrow." "Call a meeting Wednesday with the premier." "As you wish, monsieur." "I gotta talk to you." "Wash your hands after." "I don't pee on my hands either but I still wash them." "The news made me think of something." "You know that newsroom looks like a damn discothèque." "Just add a glitter ball and we're on Name That Tune." "Butworks!" "Everyone having fun, having a ball." "It should work for news too!" "First, get rid of that twerpie weekday newscaster." "Poofter hairdos and bad ties..." "he looks like a seminary priest." "Let him host bowling with the weekend announcer." "She looks like a Barbie doll." "We'll hire dancers instead." "A hot, blonde one with football hooters." "That'll make the news swing." "They want spectacular news, we'll give it to them!" "Whadya think, Méo?" "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the No.1 network." "Tonight on the Molson-news, our newscasters are competing for the grand prize:" "a solid gold ball-and-chain worth $150,000!" "Tonight, we welcome Pierre Monette, donut clerk from Ste-Dorothée." "Thérèse David, tomato-slinger from Laval." "Tomato-slinger..." "What's that?" "I sling tomatoes into boxes." "Amazing!" "You must love that." "Beats being assistant slinger." "We also have Pierre Thibault, from Montreal." "Pierre's an egg-roll stuffer!" "Finally, our champion, Nathalie Cunnard, car-wash lifeguard in the Town of Mount Royal!" "Current events are fairly packed today, let's go straight to our first round." "It's still tense in the Middle East." "In Nabulus, Israeli forces razed 12 houses, suspected shelters for Palestinian terrorists:" "8 women and 19 children were bulldozed alive." ""We're striving for peace," stated Sharon." "First question." "Before being elected," "Ariel Sharon was A) a butcher;" "B) bulldozer operator;" "C) prison guard;" "D) professional exterminator." "Butcher?" "Too bad!" "The answer is B)." "Mr Sharon started out as a bulldozer operator for the Jewish Demolition Corp." "In Washington," "President Bush stated he had eliminated Hussein to reestablish democracy." "Now, the question:" "Bush crushed Iraq" "A) to defend human rights;" "B) protect Arab women;" "C) restore justice;" "D) control oil wells." "For oil?" "No, the answer is A) to defend human rights." "I could also accept C) restore justice." "At a business lunch on Canadian unity at the Beaver Club," "Charest learned he'd get the Order of Canada." ""Whenever I get orders, I deliver." "An order's an order,"" "stated the Liberal sales manager for Eastern Canada." "Now, the question." "The new Liberal slogan is:" "A) Think big, crap;" "B) Reinvent Quebec;" "C) Reinvent the wheel;" "D) Reinvent the button." ""Think big crap"?" "Right!" "You must read André Pratte's editorials." "That damn thing never works." "Jesus H. Christ." "Welcome to the Royal Bank." "or saying the name of the person" " C'mon... I'd like to speak to the head of product placement, Mr Boutin." "Did you say Boudin?" "Not Boudin, Boutin." "Our directory has no Boudin." "Not Boudin, Jesus Murphy." "Did you say..." "Jesus Murphy?" "Not Jesus Murphy." "Boutin, Jesus Murphy!" "Our directory has no Jesus Murphy." "Boutin, damn it." "It's not that hard." "Boutin with a "t", like Tintin." "Did you say Tintin?" "Not Tintin!" "Boutin, damn it!" "Boutin!" "It's simple!" "B-O-U-T-l-N-tin." "Boutin-tin." "Did you say Rin-Tin-Tin?" "Whadya mean?" "I'm not calling a dog, fat cow!" "Did you say, fat cow?" "Yeah, fat frigging cow." "While we're at it, why don't you go back to your frigging country, with your damn beurrets!" "Not to mention... shoving your crusty baguettes up your ass!" "Welcome to the Royal Bank." "What's so damn complicated?" "Holy cow." "A shit pump in action." "Beautiful, eh?" "Just prime it, it works automatically." "As long as you feed it shit, it pumps." "Night and day." "Wondrous." "I'm expecting you." "Come, c'mere, boys." "Nice puppies." "They're obsequious." " Are they all like this?" " Almost." "Just choose carefully and train them young." "There are always uppity ones but we subdue them." "We break the belligerent ones." "They look intelligent." "Perhaps, but the main trait of a reporter isn't l.Q., it's the ability to toe the line." "How do you train them?" "We make sure they always have food, and, as you just did, give them occasional treats, and whip them as required." "Go lie down." "Uncle Bob's angry." "Go lie down!" "Whipping's needed only at first." "After, they obey impeccably." "Beg, roll over." "The works." "By the way, you know Izzy Asper?" "is he a dog trainer?" "Not exactly." "He's a Winnipeg financier from a big Liberal family who bought Conrad Black's papers." "Sounds vaguely familiar." "Mr Asper "suggested" that his reporters favour Israel's perspective in the Palestinian conflict." "So, what?" "He bought 'em, he can make them write what he wants." "You're right, but..." "Let 'em shut up and dance, like mine." "Right again, but the problem is, it got out." "It's his right to buy up media to disseminate his ideas, but crying it from the rooftops, no." "Subtlety is called for." "To get what you want, give the right people the right jobs." "Very sly." "You really got it." "Are you a Yank?" ""That's product placement..."" "Cut the crap and take the reporters out for a walk." "Got a buck for a coffee?" "Chrissake, Méo." "Twenty bucks for spare-ribs?" "Isn't that a bit much?" "Inflation... I tell ya..." "Golf shoes!" "Just like at the Sally Anne!" "These should be good for snow." "Like Sno-Grips." "The flamingo of Ontario Street." "When I woke up, I was sweating." "We ended up in the street!" "I'd rather have coffee." "I have none left." "How about herbal tea?" "I think it would do me good." "Will verbena do?" "No, it puts me to sleep." "Got any linden?" "How about mint?" "I don't feel like it." "Got anything else?" "Juice, soft drinks." "What kind of juice?" "Orange, apple, grape." "And soft drinks?" "Coke, 7-Up, root beer, cream soda." "Root beer, good idea." "Root beer it is." "Wait... I'm torn." "Cream soda's not bad either." "You're right." "Godbout writes bitchin' dialogue." "Cream soda?" "Let me think." "Come on!" "Don't get mad." "It's a tough decision." "Root beer is fresher, yet cream soda's more- more..." "Creamy." "Creamy!" "Right." "Cut!" "Nice work." "I like your teeth." "Now line up a date and get ready for the gala!" "It makes you think?" "You'll get a brain hernia." "No need for an infomercial at the end." "Don't you get it?" "TV is one big infomercial all day long, 24-7." "A subliminal infomercial." "How can they say I'm not substle?" "By the way, I'm away next week." "I'm going in to get cloned." "Relax." "You got a light week." "I tell ya, TV's like a shit pump." "Once it's primed, it's automatic." "So, the guy says, "9 inches?" "How about three 3" shots and a slap in the face?"" "is today Monday?" "Too bad for you." "It's a lot bigger on Tuesdays." "Anyhoo, you could say you're handling big projects today, eh?" "Make it quick, girls." "There's a lot of demand for this." "Wh-what's that?" "A cryogenic pump." "It removes the culture cells from the reproductive gland and freezes them instantly." "I thought this was done by hand, with a Dixie cup and a Playboy." "You're not putting that up my..." "You won't feel a thing." " Aren't you freezing me?" " No need!" "The pump's at -50 degrees." "You won't feel it." "Changed my mind, I'm leaving!" "Mr Gratton," "Man has dreamt of immortality for millennia." "Now, science makes this a reality." "Don't shrink from immortality!" "Just think, little Elvis's for centuries to come!" "Go for it!" "Speculum." "Extractor." "I can't. I need tweezers." "Mr Gratton, help us out here." "We're unequipped for microsurgery." "I can't help that it shrank to the size of a button." "Get a grip, would you?" "Let's go." "I can't understand you with your mouth full." "I got an idea..." "We'll organize a big TV contest for surrogate mother." "Quarter-finals, semifinals." "A big, glitzy gala, to find Bob Gratton's wife." "The Golden Ball Ball." "You and your shitty jokes." "The Teletron of Stars, Christ..." "Hold on, I'm not done." "I'll marry her on live TV." "Jean-Pierre Ferland, Ginette Reno..." "But can she sing!" "In French, English... even in Bilingual!" "Does too!" "She sang Bilingual for Queen E." "Stop contradicting me." "Her Xmas album was in Bilingual!" "Don't screw with me!" "That?" "It's the Golden Ball trophy." "For Miss Bob Gratton." "The future Elvis Gratton." "Four thousand last week." "This week, 5,000." "Told ya they'd come rushing." "C'mon, let's go through 'em." "Off to a great start." "Sleek but flat as a board." "Right." "Ugly with big tits is OK, but ugly and no tits, forget it." "Throw that out." "I'm the one getting married." "Mind if I pick one I like?" "She looks like Stalin?" "Yeah, except for the mustache." "And she has hair on her legs." "That's a drag!" "Attracts flies in summer." "Naked on a Harley." "Good idea." "But I'd rather screw the bike." "Harley-Davidson's for fags." "You're not on the ball today." "A goalette." "Imagine undressing a goalette." "That'd get you off." "With trunks like Serge Savard." "Gimme those or we'll never finish." "What the hell's this?" "I think we just hit the jackpot." "Watch your cigar and your pants." "Your pacemaker'll short out." "Yessir!" "Being on her is better than being on U.l." "Three, two, one..." "Go!" "Go on three." "Three!" "On your steaks." "Ready." "Go!" "Nice pecs for ironing." "Let's go see the news set." "Here are the new hosts I hired." "You only see them waist-up on TV, so why not handicapped guys?" "Half-price." "On the suits too." "Great idea." "So, what's on tap this week?" "Monday," "Paul Martin interviewed by major editorialists." "Again?" "That's 4 times this week!" "He was on Name That Tune, bowling and Sunday Mass." " lsn't that enough?" " Right again, at least partly." "The basic motivation is this:" "the more our experts are seen to analyze Mr Martin's thinking in all its trivia, the more people might believe this thinking really exists." "On the news, we're true creators." "Like God." "Out of nothing, we make something solid." "Real." "Out of even the most gaping void." "Damn great idea." "What else?" "Tuesday:" "Charest, The Man." "He'll demonstrate cod sushi." "Cod sushi..." "Hey, before Charest was elected, they covered hospitals daily." "But no more." "is that all fixed?" "Very funny." "Stories on the hospital emergency problems were for popular amusement." "Now we're back in power, mum's the word." "Speak no evil, hear no evil." "Shall we?" "Wednesday:" "Charlebois singing for Canada Day." "Didn't take 'em long to replace me." "Thursday:" "Stéphane Dion in action." "We'll change his image." "Show him among the people." "That'll be a hell of a job." "We've organized a corn roast with Ugandan refugees in Ottawa." "Zooganda's in Africa?" "Thoze Zoogandans live in Zooganda!" "And Friday, a feature on the Gay Games." "The Gay Games, what the hell is that?" "Softball?" "Birdie toss?" "Backwards marathons?" "Dildo Olympics?" "What do vaseline and margarine have to do with it?" "Enough with Gay pride, already." "Two weeks ago, Gay marriage." "Last week, their right to adopt." "What next?" "The right to breastfeed, to give birth?" "Let people screw poodles, midgets or mailboxes." "I don't give a hoot." "Just gimme a break from fags." "They're taking over the world." "Mr Bob, on that note, we should use the Games to neglect other topics like persistent Gagliano scandals, the Mafia kickbacks," "American oil monopolies in Afghanistan." "Allow me to repeat myself:" "speak no evil, no evil exists." "Such is the power of the media." "The Revenge of Elvis Wong, Scene 62, Take 3." "Aktion!" "Cut!" "Enough with the skullbuggery." "Film d'auteur is one thing but Frenching a tub o' lard, you lost me." "Hanky panky's fine, but not with that pile of rotting flesh." "What I seek in my painting is a certain polysemic verticality that transgresses extrasensory perception." "In the synchronic and diatonic margins, I'm exploring the symbiotic anthropomorphism of Dionysian drives." "What was that?" "I have no clue." "We're gonna need even more subtitles." "You are entirely correct, my friend." "The discursive spontaneity of the acting subject entails a structuro-postmodern articulation that masks a neo-constructivist sidereality, and the primordial anti-intellectuality of the Québécois." "Well, I think, unlike my eminent colleague, postmodern literary structure masks a spontaneous discussion of the subject's active sidereality thereby entailing both neo-constructivist theory and primordial Québécois anti-intellectuality." "I interject!" "You're confused, friend." "Primordial anti-intellectuality of the Québécois rests more upon postmodern sidereality, which entails the subject and discurs" "Paranoid delusions!" "Holy cow, how simple." "It's like Arab or German." "Right." "lrrefutable." "Hell." "Product placement's gonna be murder." "Two hours of non-stop mumbo-jumbo." "Our ratings'll take a beating." "Does culture take a "C" or a "K"?" "It takes a lot of chutzpah." "Hit me!" "That's good!" "Stick it in, come on!" "Excuse me." "Why're you here?" " You said to come." " Not you." "Come here." "Get dressed." "What's with that Gélinas crap last night?" "You object to her using "national capital" for Quebec City." "Christ, yes." "The capital is Ottawa, not Quebec City." "Quebec is a province with provincial government." "is that bitch Separatist?" "Probably a mistake." "She's new." "She doesn't know our policies." "Our "policies"?" "Words and expressions to be censored or avoided while others are condoned." "We advocate "Separatist" over "lndependentist"." ""Separation", not "independence"." "Great." "Let those buggers rot." "We also tell reporters to say the "province", not "State", of Quebec." "The country is Canada." ""Québécois" is for inhabitants of Quebec City, not Quebec province." "In any discussion of Quebec film, literature, theatre, they universally call it" ""francophone" culture or "Canadian culture as expressed in French"." "That's good, eh?" ""Canadian culture as expressed in Francophone"." "That sounds freakin' great." "Hold on a sec." "Canadian Francophone as expressed in the real McCoy." "That works." "I got it!" "Francophone of real-McCoy Canadian stock." "Better, yes, you're right." "Francophone..." "Much better." "So, disseminate that to print media and radio." "And get that reporter in line." "Yes, I'll take care of it." "Maybe she'll come around doing weather, or sports." "We'll shunt a few around." "It'll scare the others." "We'll show 'em who runs the place." "And we'll crush them Sepratisses." "Like this." "Cripes!" "God damn it." "Yes, Sakaputinyu." "You'll be leaving skidmarks in your diaper thong!" "I'll grab yör ballz mit meinen metal mittens!" "I'll break yör ballz in ein Gyproc kasket!" "Mein gross Kristofen." "Gross scheisshole." "Mein gross freak mit ballz in yör ass!" "Cut!" "What the hell was wrong with that?" "That was absolutely awful!" "Gratton Music will launch 12 new female vocalists." "One a month for 12 months." "And here's our first, Mlle Barbara Stronzo." "Here's our marketing plan." "A TV special to raise awareness of our product." "Next day, radio stations will promote our products to the hilt." "Front-page coverage in all our magazines." "ln-depth, 10-page articles." ""ln-depth" articles?" "Your so-called "stars" may be pretty to look at but they're not too bright." "I don't give a rat's ass what you think." "Your job's to sell records." "Weren't you a fiction writer?" "Get cracking." "Write fiction." "That's what we pay you for." "Mr Bob?" "I put out a sportsman's magazine." "Where do I put suburban bimbos?" "For crying out loud, do I have to do your jobs?" "Stacked babes by the lake seems like a winner to me!" "Get your brain cells working!" "Take her ice-fishing!" "Make 'em call moose in bikinis." "Wet T-shirt contests for hunting season!" "Win a 1 -week fishing trip with the Music Awards winner." "it's starting to sink in." "Radio stations used to play what sold." "Now we sell what we play." "Piece o' cake." "decide what people will hear and buy." "That's convergence." "At the risk of repeating myself, it's like a shit pump." "Prime it and it runs automatically." "Just to give you taste," "Mlle Stronzo will sing her next hit." "I'll have to singhere." "Sing a capella?" "No, sing the song!" "Snazzy suspenders, Méo." "Sonofabitch..." "Glasses!" "A whole pile of used glasses!" "Those crappy charity drives are good for nothing." "They say they send stuff to Africa, but they pitch it out!" "Dirty bastards!" "Nun's Island dowager glasses." "Missing a lens..." "Perfect for someone who's lost an eye." "Ain't no food in Africa." "They don't need dentures." "Take one!" "You're making fun of me." "Doesn't suit you." "Try this!" "Too slack!" "Dog dentures..." "Missing a tooth." "That looks great on you!" "Take a couple, in case they break." "No way, man." "The warranties expired." "Here." "Try 'em with glasses." "You look like an Outremont doctor." "C'mon!" "Let's go!" "I got an idea." "My brain's like a cash machine." "You know how music changes every 2 or 3 years?" "There was that Bavarian, mariachis, tango, gypsy music." "What do hipsters like now?" "Right!" "The Buena Vista Social Club." "Jeez, if they can pull out aging Cuban singers from the ice age, why can't we revive the oldies of Channel 10?" "That'd make a buck." "Alis Roby, Paolo Noël," "Fernand Gignac, Luc Plamondon." "Plamondon's a writer?" "That's OK." "We'll sell a ton of Gignac really smokin'." "Crap." "My keys." "Bugger!" "Come on..." "Remember to lock the doors." "They're in the sewer!" " Remember your keys." " They're lost." "Are you deaf?" "C'mon, Méo, force it." "Come on, more!" "Keep going!" "Got it." "A door's ajar." "No, we're trying to get it open!" "A door's ajar." "It's not a jar!" "My fingers!" "Hurry up." "You're not amputating!" "You're so damn stupid, you knucklehead!" "Don't leave me here." "Not the window." "The door!" "Open the door!" "The Metropolitan Montreal Battered Women's Choir!" "We'll see them again soon with the Bonneau Mission choir, at the Molson-charity drive!" "Back after this!" "What the hell?" "Damn it, Méo..." "commercial BREAK" "PRODUCT PLACEMENT" "The time has come to unveil the Golden Ball winner." "My wife, my love, my surrogate." "I hereby designate" "Chantal Poisson." "To conclude this marvellous nuptial evening, let me introduce to you renowned Italian soprano," "Francesca Fica." "She'll be interpreting Bellini's Casta Diva." "For you, my queen." "Just back from my honeymoon, and bang!" "Gotta do everything." " What is it?" " The Jewish Congress called." " The president was mad." " About the show?" "He was yelling that he'd complain to Ottawa, I'd lose my licence, my sponsors would boycott." "He called you an anti-Semite?" "Yeah, anti-Marmite." "He said the debate was biased." "Pro-terrorist." "Biased?" "We had 3 experts, all pro-lsrael, plus the host, against a shy, inarticulate Palestinian teenager." "Four against one." "It couldn't be more fair." "Four against one, Christ!" "No wonder he's mad!" "How could I organize a unanimously pro-lsrael Near-East debate?" "We must retain a modicum of objectivity!" "Forget objectivity!" "It doesn't pay our bills." "If the Jewish Congress pulls sponsors, I pay!" "Make the next debate 5 Raelians to none." "And the public?" "Screw your public!" "People are morons." "I'll decide what they think." "That's objectivity!" "It costs me enough." "Dunno." "Must've fallen asleep in the sun." "It started a few days ago." "Wading in shit." "You're an idiot." "Diction." "You're unintelligible." "You?" "Elocution lessons?" "Holy cow." "Your show's going to your head." "Shref, Méo." "Shref shirts." "Simple." "The shirts are shref." "Doggammit." "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane." "Help me!" "Forget the shirts in Spain." "Grab the end!" "Other end!" "Other end, Méo." "Chrissake!" "Canadian Soirée,  like the old days." "They want it multi-ethnic." "Fine, they're paying." "The Bronfman Foundation." "They got rich in the Prohibition." "The Canadian Unity Council is throwing in millions." "They're supplying uniforms." "Nice?" "Funny." "The show's off the wall." "Check this." "No, not braiding." "Cross-breeding." ""Métissage" is mixing anything with anything." "They want me to intermingle?" "So I will!" "I'll do it like crazy." "Check this." "She'll appear with the Bonhomme Carnaval." "Not the Chinese again!" "with bagpipes." "How's that for cross-culturalism?" "Sving your partner!" "And doe-cee-doe!" "Sving her up to the roof!" "No, it's a Rock Voisine tune." "Oh, I've known Gaspé gals." "Their blood runs hot." "I had 'em all week long." "They whipped my pecker." "Now my balls are killing me." "Oh, my balls!" "Forgive her." "I went down to Chinatown and bought Feng Shui underwear." "These things capture your energy." "Nice, eh?" "That?" "Doctor's never seen it before." "He thinks it's a sluggish liver or intestines." "Striped ice cream, you're such a riot." "Wiper-fluid levels are low." "Don't panic, I'm coming." "You butthead!" "I'll drown you!" "You frigging retard." "That's enough outa you!" "I'll scrap you!" "Lift it up!" "C'mon!" "Hurry!" "Go on, pull!" "Pull!" "Bugger." "Drive to the garage." "The garage." "Hurry!" "My nose is on the fan belt!" " lt's burning!" " The fan belt is stuck." "I repeat, the fan belt is stuck." "Hey, beautiful." "Spare any change?" "Hey, shaggy, spare a buck?" "Go to hell!" "Hey, little lady, got a buck for the parking meter?" "Gotta pay my rent." "You should stop drinking." "Lady, I'm content to live 24 ounces at a time." "Some people drink to forget, I drink to remember." "Hey, spare a buck?" "You uppity tramp!" "The rich are full of shit." "The poor are assholes." "All an asshole wants is to be full of shit." "Come on, Méo." "We've done enough for today." "You can't get me." "Come on." "Steady there." "You're right." "Smells like shit." "What's this?" "It's shit!" "There's shit coming out of the TV!" "That's not normal!" "Whadya mean?" "Shit on TV isn't normal!" "It's overflowing everywhere!" "Help me clean it up!" "Now to our reporter, Yves Boisvert." "is an open sewer. lt just reeks." "The whole south end is being evacuated." "across the country." "This is Paul Gobeil of TeleSewer." "When will normalcy resume?" "As you see, we're overwhelmed." "The more we pump, the more there is." "I'm stumped." "It's out of control." "Yves Boisvert, FedTV," "Gimme that thing." "We've been in shit for years." "And you just realized it." "Wonder where it comes from?" "Your mind." "It oozes out your ears, spews out your mouth." "Your camera's full of shit." "Your mike." "And you too." "Full to the brim." "So full, you'll explode." " TV, cable, satellite, all shit!" " Hand that over." "Let me talk." "All your papers, networks, magazines... all shit." "Everything you do, say, show is shit." "Putrid, stinking shit, 24-7, 365 days a year." "Canned, freeze-dried, aerosol." "Mountains of it." "Let me talk, you bozo." "But rest assured." "One day you'll die in it." "You'll drown in it." "You'll die choking on it." "Cut, Maurice." "She's a lunatic!" "It crashed!" "The pump's jammed!" "Check the pump!" "Go get the doctor!" "grieve the death of a giant." "a great artist, Liberal, a truly great Canadian." "his intellectual rigour, refined humour, remarkable intelligence." "The nation has lost a genius." "Like Chrétien and Gagliano, this man of virtuous origins, hailing from the sticks," "A man of principle, a pillar of integrity." "The brilliance of this invertebrate" "will shine on forever." "of our bestest country," "for the Rockies:" ""Think big, crap!"" "One more push!" "Keep pushing." "Push." "One more time." "Here he is!" "Elvis Gratton ll." "A mop like his dad!" "Adaptation:" "Kathleen Fleming"