"Tonight, Richard and James enjoy life under canvas." "An Alfa Romeo waving its arms around." "And Darth Vader in a Honda Civic TIE fighter R!" "Good evening." "Back in the late '60s, Nissan, or Datsun as they were then, decided to make a sports car." "This is it, the 240Z." "It was a simple recipe." "Three parts E-type Jaguar, two parts Corvette, and a sprinkling of Japanese reliability." "Fabulous car." "But they kept changing it, and each time they did, they made it worse." "There was the 260Z, which was plump, the 280Z, which was..." "John Prescott, and finally they ended up with this enormous thing, the 300ZX." "Marlon Brando, really." "AS BRANDO:. "The horror." "The horror. "" "We've been joined by some people from the Nissan Z Club, yes?" "Yes." "Which is yours?" "The 280." "What in the name of all that's holy possessed you to buy that?" "I bought it 15 years ago, and it looked good then." "It's beige with red seats!" "Are you from Birmingham?" "Yes, how did you guess?" "That explains it all!" "Have you got one?" "Yes." "And you've got a beard." "And you have a beard." "That explains the appeal of the Z car!" "Happily, however, Nissan has now gone back to basics with the 350Z." "I was so keen to try it out that when it first arrived in Britain," "I grabbed the keys and went for a drive." "Part of the reason Nissan's Z cars became so fat and so heavy is that they were designed mainly for Americans." "And the ideal American car is, as I'm sure you know, an enormous sofa." "This one was designed not only for Americans, but IN America, in California, home of the palm-fringed, no smoking, six-lane boulevard." "And that's great, but we don't have that here." "What we have is Sheffield." "TRAIN HORN BLOWS" "So, how does the surfer boy go down in the steel town?" "I think it looks a bit of a mess." "But then it would, because it's a Japanese car designed in America." "The head of the whole project was Ajay Panchal, who's an Indian from Leicester." "And the engine?" "Well, that's French." "Incongruously, it's the 3.5 litre V6 from the Renault Vel Satis." "We've had fusion food before, but it's the first time I've encountered a fusion car." "Think of it as being a raw hamburger curry, served in a disinterested way on a bed of garlicky jus." "But you can't concentrate on ingredients because of the stereo." "You don't hear it so much as feel it pulsating through an enormous subwoofer in your back." "If you like to cruise the streets annoying people with drum 'n' bass, this is definitely the car for you." "MUSIC BLASTS FROM STEREO" "I'm afraid, however, I'm more interested in how a car goes." "So I pointed its nose at the road snaking out of Sheffield and up onto the moors." "It doesn't take long to work out that this car has a few weak links." "The biggest, weakest link of them all, is the French bit, the engine." "First of all, there's the noise, which is just a noise, a sort of wearisome drone." "Listen." "ENGINE DRONES It just gets on your nerves." "Then there's the performance." "It's said to do 0-60 in six seconds, and on to a top speed of 150, and I'm sure it will." "But... it never really feels that fast, somehow." "And when you look at the 350Z, you think it'll be light and agile and sporty." "I was expecting it to be like a Nikon camera, all delicate and clever." "I thought it'd be like a Mazda MX5, but with more power." "And it just isn't." "Not even slightly." "What it is is a tonne and a half of ironmongering." "It's a muscle car." "Which should be good fun on a road like this." "I could go very berserk at this point, but two things are stopping me." "The noise drives me mad." "Secondly, it was on this very road that the drummer with Def Leppard crashed his muscle car, a Corvette." "As a result of that, he now has to drive with a knob on his steering wheel." "I also have to say that after a day behind the wheel, I am knackered." "A hard ride and the effort of driving it makes it one of the most exhausting cars I've ever come across." "And I haven't finished mauling it yet either." "The look of the interior is fine." "I've got a big rev counter in front, three ancillary dials, driving position's good." "But what's not so good is this." "FLAP RATTLES" "I've seen better build quality on an allotment shed!" "Let's talk about practicality." "There isn't any." "It has no back seats, just a bulkhead to which the speakers are attached." "And if we open the boot, we find an enormous strengthening beam where your dog would normally go." "All things considered, then, the 350 is a C minus." "Three out of ten." "Could do better." "No good?" "Not really." "There's no shortage of sports coupes coming up." "The Mazda RX8 is nice." "Yeah." "Good engine." "There's the Audi TT, and the Chrysler Crossfire." "A Mercedes SLK with an American body." "It hasn't got its own feel." "Nissan have now said the car I drove is for a small market in the south of France." "The British ones, which are going on sale in..." "September." "Yeah." "..will have better suspension, bigger fuel tanks, better interiors, and will be completely different." "Then why didn't they say, "There's our new car." "It won't be anything like that, but there it is anyway? "" "Let's hope the British ones are better." "When we get a British one, we'll give it to the Stig." "This is Buttermere." "The wettest place in Britain." "And this is the campsite at the wettest place in Britain." "We're staying here." "We're British." "It's morning." "I'm going to look outside." "If it's raining, foreigners will laugh at us." "If it's sunny, even if it's just dry, they will never know how good we feel." "It's dry!" "BOTH:" "YEEEEEEEES!" "And that is one of the reasons we love these cars." "That crazy British optimism." "You never know, any day, summer or winter, you may get to drive it with the top down." "The new VW Beetle." "We've waited years for it." "And from some angles, it does look a bit "classic"." "I mean, look at that roof, folded down there." "Looks like someone's glued a Lilo to the boot." "Morning!" "Now, you can buy a Beetle Cabriolet for 15,400 quid." "But that's for the 1. 6." "This two-litre engine version is 17,500." "And that's about 17,500...too much." "It's cute now, but it's a fashion statement that'll soon be out of fashion." "It might've been saved if it was good to drive." "It's not." "Its virtues are four good seats and the fact it's German." "It feels well put together." "It's really solid." "I like the plastics." "They're nice." "I like the body colour repeat panel." "If it was in the shape of a proper car..." "Here we are, driving into the rain." "In some ways, it's beneficial." "People tell you this in the pub." "Take the top off, drive in the rain, you get above a certain speed and you don't get wet." "It's rubbish." "I'm soaked." "I'm not sure this was a smart idea." "Why, do you think they'll think we're a pair of screaming..?" "Exactly." "Yes." "We have to put the roof up!" "WIND HOWLS" "WAAAAH!" "Stop!" "What happened?" "I've had enough!" "I just got a squall in my face!" "THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY" "What we want is a convertible for sunny days and a hardtop for the other 364." "Which is why we like folding metal roofs." "This is the smallest and most ingenious yet." "The Daihatsu Copen." "It's SO clever, you might not notice that this toy car costs almost £13,000." "The ride's a bit hard, but apart from that, it's good." "Leather seats and a Momo steering wheel." "The engine does 8,500 revs, and there's a nice cold metal ball on the gear stick." "It's a sort of Sony Ferrari." "Same sort of thing, but smaller." "660cc and a turbocharger." "It's brilliant!" "Ahhhhh, the new Audi A4, the benchmark four-seater cabriolet." "Normally, the A4 Cabriolet is a fabulously discrete car." "They've spoilt it by painting it Cosmic Yellow." "Also known as Premium Beige." "Not only colour lets this car down." "Here we go." "We're in the country." "Gentle tweeting of birds." "Slight breeze." "Let's have another country sound." "ENGINE GROWLS Ah, yes, Massey Ferguson." "It's a diesel!" "Somebody decided," ""Let's make a glamorous cabriolet and give it a tractor's engine. "" "It IS a good diesel engine." "In truth, it's a fantastic diesel engine." "And, actually, it's not THAT noisy." "No, but when you're going slow, or you're just creeping through town, pulling up outside a nice bar." "Yeah." "Dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-dig!" "People will ask where the taxi is!" "It's not right." "A diesel cabriolet is like a supermodel smoking a pipe." "Audi should've stuck with the formula," "like Mercedes with their new CLK." "This one, for example, has a big, extravagant and illogical five-litre V8." "By the Audi A4, this Mercedes CLK dwells in the heartland of the posh German car." "But there's a difference." "This one's wearing a HUGE Rolex!" "So you know it was REALLY expensive." "Prices start at £30,000, which is where the A4s stop." "This one cost 58,000." "Smaller Mercedes convertibles have metal folding roofs - the SL and the SLK." "This one's canvas." "A four-seater folding one wouldn't go in the boot." "But what a canvas roof!" "I mean, compared with our tent!" "280 components just in the roof frame!" "And a lightning conductor." "Jerry DOES care about us!" "A cabriolet can be big or small, flash or a shrinking violet." "Or maybe it can be all those things." "Citroen reckons its new Pluriel can be anything you want." "This is the convertible stage." "That's the convertible." "Yeah." "Oh, no!" "Yeah, that's it!" "That's..." "Cabriolet." "Ow!" "OW!" "Where are the flaps?" "They're not under the floor?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Oh, I see." "You have to..." "I'm doing it!" "Try that." "Miles out!" "That's the Spider." "Shut the door." "Do we look good with it?" "Being French, trim will drop off, but what's underneath is tough." "It costs from 12-13,500, and you can have a 1.4 or a 1. 6 engine." "But if you go for the 1.6, you have to have the paddle gearshift." "And it's hopeless." "I'm going to put it in second." "That's OK." "Now I'll wait for third..." "And NOW it's changed." "I'll select fourth..." "I've got it." "What?" "Have you something else on?" "And there's another problem." "Ow, ow, ow..." "Ow." "Ow." "We're going left." "Ow!" "Citroen thinks people will drive with the roof rails in place." "I can see why." "It's either in place or in your crotch." "So, is it going to rain?" "Yep, almost certainly." "Mmmmm." "I brought the roof." "To be on the safe side." "THUNDER CRACKS So, er... judging by that, you didn't go for the Pluriel." "No." "I really wanted to like that cos it IS cute, and it is clever with its adaptation stuff, but the roof is SUCH a faff." "Great hire car." "Yeah." "On holiday?" "Then you can give it back." "That gearbox would drive you mad." "It's quite safe, though." "It's very safe." "NCAP crash-test, four stars." "That was..." "That was with the roof rails off." "What worries me..." "Listen to this." "HOLLOW BANGING It's hollow!" "Yes." "Nothing in it!" "Has it got an engine?" "Yes, a 1.4 or a 1.6." "So, we wouldn't have that." "No." "Let's run through the others." "Daihatsu Copen - good or bad?" "Good car." "He's mad on it!" "It's fantastic." "It's small and silly." "It just makes the rest of the world massive." "Like the incredible shrinking man and the telephone gets bigger." "No." "I'm sure it happened, but I don't remember." "You drive around amongst massive road signs and huge hatchbacks." "I hadn't noticed." "Seemed all right." "Beetle." "Would you buy one?" "Nope." "No." "You would?" "I would." "You'd buy one?" "Why would you buy one?" "They're stylish." "Cute - that's a car term." "Hitler designed it." "But I like the car!" "You like something Hitler gave us." "Great." "What about the Audi, in baby diarrhoea?" "Any other colour." "It's a fab four seater." "It's the business." "I've driven it." "It's a very good car." "What about the Mercedes?" "Would you buy one?" "Not with that 500 V8 engine." "Driving a convertible, either have a performance car, or take the top off and smell the cowpats." "You may as well have a small engine." "So why not have the Audi?" "Yes." "Why take the Merc over the Audi?" "Which do you like the most?" "Audi, Copen." "Of all these, we like the Audi and the Copen." "I can't drive the Copen!" "You would look ridiculous." "I'd love to see it." "I've got to see what this is like." "It's not a car, it's a shoe." "Look at that, that's fantastic!" "LAUGHTER" "The funny thing is, if I did over 500 miles in it, I'd have hair like this guy." "Look!" "Look at this!" "My guest tonight is very, very tall and a global fashion icon." "Like me, really." "Welcome supermodel Jodie Kidd!" "APPLAUSE" "Look!" "This... is what we've been waiting for." "It's nice to have someone on who's a proper size." "I don't have to look down!" "Do you have trouble getting in cars?" "I do." "But I'm quite nimble." "I can fit in." "I'm not that big.... big." "You know." "I'm tall." "I have a rule" " I say, "I can get into anything I want to get into. "" "That helps." "If it's a Ferrari..." "I'll drive with my knees up here." "Knees round your elbows." "Actually, for you, that might...yeah." "Now." "You were recently described in the Birmingham Post as being," ""a self-indulgent celebrity setting a bad example. "" "Great." "I'm happy." "That's what I want to be." "The Birmingham Post?" "!" "You went on the Gumball rally." "Ah." "It's a great idea!" "It's fantastic." "I've never been on one." "It's a group of really cool people who have nice cars, going for a very long drive." "Across America?" "I've done east coast to west." "This year, I did San Francisco to Miami." "It's like time trials?" "It's not." "If you did that, everyone would race." "You have Ferraris, supercars." "If you say that the quickest will win, everyone will race." "So how fast was it?" "I don't know." "I do." "I don't know why I asked you." "I don't know." "One guy took a Koenigsegg..." "Oh God, you know!" "220mph!" "I thought it was 240." "Was it?" "I stand corrected." "How fast did you go?" "Don't know." "I know this one, too." "I don't know." "About 95?" "!" "In a Dodge Viper." "I'm good." "It was 140." "The truckers help out, don't they?" "They're great." "They tell you where the police are sitting." "Why would you need to know that?" "I don't know!" "It was warning all the people behind me." "OK." "The Ferraris and all that." "Um, so..." "They have Gumball in Europe now." "It's in Europe next year." "But I've just done..." "Iiterally last week, I did a five-day rally." "Driving?" "My car, a Maserati Spider." "You drive a Maserati Spider?" "I do, indeed." "They're all around me." "They're good." "They're not." "They are." "Um... no they're not." "Have you driven one on a track?" "I have!" "How did it feel?" "Different on the track to on the road." "We have footage.... of Jodie having a bit of a run with the Stig." "Yes!" "Who'd like to see it?" "No." "ALL:" "Yes!" "Here we go." "Beautiful!" "SCREECHING" "LAUGHTER" "That's insane!" "He's gone mental!" "JODIE LAUGHS" "APPLAUSE" "So where did the love of cars come from?" "I don't know." "I always rode horses my whole life, and I feel that... when I got behind the wheel of a fast car, it was that same adrenalin you get riding a horse, playing polo." "It's a great freedom." "One thing I don't understand is... do they play on polo ponies?" "They can be horses." "Yours would be a shire." "Mine's six legged!" "How tall is it?" "You probably won't understand this, but it's about 15.3." "I have to have 17." "How do you know?" "Hands." "I know everything about horses, not polo." "I have three donkeys at home." "Yes?" "Geoffrey, Eddie and Kristin Scott Donkey." "I do!" "I adore my donkeys." "They're my life." "Fantastic." "Noisy." "It depends what you do to them." "You're chomping at the bit, a horse expression, to see how you did on your Suzuki Liana lap." "Yeah." "As you know, each week, we put a celebrity in a Suzuki Liana, send them round the track." "Jay Kay - 1 min 48." "Richard Whiteley took two weeks, six days." "So where do you think you're going to fit in there?" "I don't know." "I'm competitive, I went round until I got a good time." "Practice laps." "Tara Palmer-Tomkinson..." "I've got to beat her." "She got distracted - she thought she saw a handsome man... unlikely, here." "It slowed her." "You'll beat her?" "I hope I beat Tara." "Shall we see?" "This is Jodie's lap." "Big wheel spin." "Come on, Subaru, whatever you are." "Subaru?" "Suzuki!" "That was my best one!" "That's the best I've seen." "BEEP!" "SHE CLICKS HER TEETH" "Ha ha ha!" "Very smooth... across the line!" "APPLAUSE" "Right." "I love people's faces at this point!" "You're competitive." "I'm nervous!" "You want to beat Tara." "Yes. 1.54." "Yes." "You beat her." "Good." "Steve Coogan - 1.53." "You beat him." "Ooh!" "Beat Jamie Oliver at 1.50?" "I'm 1.50, so's Gordon Ramsay." "Go on." "You beat them." "Wanna beat Jay Kay?" "Yes." "You did!" "No!" "APPLAUSE" "I should explain - we don't have points here, but you were 0.3 of a second faster than Jay Kay." "I expect he'll be back next week!" "Ladies and gents, Jodie Kidd!" "Brilliant!" "I'll make it tidier." "Have you ever wondered who'd be faster in a Honda Civic?" "Darth Vader or Ming the Merciless?" "We have." "So, we set out to find the fastest Master Of The Universe." "So, here we are." "One car." "One track." "And of course, there can be only one, Master Of The Universe." "You go straight up through the gears." "It'll be rapid as you reach the kink." "Pass the tyres in third gear." "Hard on the breaks." "Down to second." "Follow the right-hand line, the marked line, past the tyres." "You're in third gear." "Hard on the breaks." "Down to second." "Turn in." "Nice, exciting finish." "Any questions?" "First up in the Civic Type R is Darth Vader." "Lord of the Sith." "Master of the dark side." "Darth, no messing about, OK?" "TYRES SCREECH" "Go on, Darth." "Use the force." "Go..." "Ooh, he's lifted." "Well, he may be having family problems at home, but he still put in a cracking lap." "Next up, from Earth's twin planet, Mondas, ruthless and emotionless, the Cyberman." "Three, two, one...go!" "TYRES SCREECH" "Slight problem with his helmet, but he's still on for a good lap." "But, oh no!" "What's this?" "TYRES SCREECH" "Whatever happens now, he knows his lap time is ruined." "He'll complain to the stewards about that, and who can blame him?" "Next, Ming the Merciless." "Emperor of Mongo, half-human, half-lizard." "His hobby is destroying planets..." "Go!" ".." "And tyres." "That's looking pretty tasty." "He could do well." "Yes, indeed." "Ming's on a hot bot." "But Darth and the Force have another plan." "TYRES SCREECH" "Now that is how you get to rule galaxies." "Never give up." "What are you?" "Ming the Witless?" "Ah." "A goody." "Dr Who." "Just one note as you clamber in." "No time travel, OK?" "It's smaller on the inside." "Disappointing for you." "Keep to the middle lane." "Obviously, you're not gonna want him to do too well as you wanna do better than him cos you'll be upset." "Can you get upset?" "I think he's on for a good time." "Exterminate!" "And now, from the planet Klinzhai, it's the ill-tempered Klingon." "OK, no cheating." "TYRES SCREECH" "And immediately the Cornish pasty faced villain resorts to cheating." "I knew he'd do that!" "He's cloaked." "So, a dastardly lap time from the Klingon, but will it be enough to defeat the most evil being in the Galaxy?" "Oh dear." "He's not gonna like that." "Exterminate!" "Exterminate!" "Exterminate!" "Exterminate!" "It turns out then that Darleks aren't just flummoxed by stairs." "Completely beaten by the Honda Civic." "Our Darlek didn't even finish he was so evil." "In fifth place, Ming, you plonker!" "You crashed!" "1 minute 49." "You won't be Master Of The Universe." "In fourth, the Dr. 1 minute 43." "Very good time." "Are you pleased?" "I don't know yet." "But you're fourth." "That's not bad." "It was noisy for an automatic." "Glad to see no time travel." "It wasn't an automatic." "Wasn't it?" "That's why it was so noisy." "Now I understand." "Thought I'd chip in." "Thank you, Jeremy." "Incisive motoring journalism there." "In third place, our Klingon, with 1 minute 42, which is pretty good." "Problems with the understeer." "Are you happy with that?" "Hoch ni hoch na." "Right." "Jeremy, any ideas?" "Yeah." "I've got Klingon translations here from the internet." "The understeer in that Type R's diabolical, is what he said." "Still, well done." "Second place, 1 minute 37, Darth Vader." "Very good effort." "No." "Probably better not to shake it." "That means then..." "Actually, can we have some applause for Darth Vader?" "APPLAUSE" "Which means we have a winner." "It's the Cyberman." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Another..." "Another shoddy trophy there from the Top Gear people." "You must be thrilled with that?" "Really, really thrilled?" "It's like interviewing Kimi Raikonnen this." "Yeah." "Keep going." "You'll bring him out of himself." "A while ago we asked people to send us photos of botched custom jobs." "The address given was, "I'm a clot and I've ruined my car. "" "We didn't get too many responses but we did have lots that said," ""My neighbour is a clot and he's ruined..." "LAUGHTER .. his car. "" "Let's see them on screen." "Oh!" "AUDIENCE GROAN" "What I find really interesting about this is the crook lock!" "LAUGHTER" "Who the hell is going to steal it?" "What would he say to the police?" "It's a Peugeot 205 S." "Yes, with flames growing out of the side!" "LAUGHTER" "We've found your car, sir." "You won't believe what they've done to it!" "LAUGHTER" "I've got one." "It's a Citroen BX." "Sensible car." "Look at that!" "LAUGHTER AND JEERING" "It was being fixed when he drove off and took the ramp with him!" "LAUGHTER" "The BX has got a suspension that goes up and down." "I'm beached!" "That is amazing." "Listen." "There was one sent in and I just howled!" "The guy had magnetized his car and driven through a branch of Halfords." "Let's see it." "Yes!" "LAUGHTER" "That is one of the most..." "What does he think it looks like?" "Another man magnetized his interior and went through a scrap yard!" "Look at this one!" "Another 100 dials and he'll be fine!" "Now, spoilers." "We know spoilers are a very rich vein to explore, especially when it comes to spoiling your car!" "This is awesome." "It's on a Porsche." "Look at that!" "That!" "THAT is a spoiler." "No, it isn't." "No!" "No!" "No!" "This is tiny!" "LAUGHTER" "It's a pathetic little thing." "Let's look at this one." "YEAH!" "CHEERING AND LAUGHTER" "It's America!" "AMERICAN ACCENT:" "Hey!" "I've got a bigger one!" "It's going to tip over." "It must." "It's extraordinary!" "I have to say my absolute favourite though is..." "let's just see the roof." "This is fair enough." "The guy is a fan of the Dukes Of Hazzard." "Nothing wrong with that." "No." "Let's have a look at the car." "LAUGHTER" "That's a Vauxhall Cavalier, isn't it?" "You can tell?" "You can't just write Dodge Charger on the back!" "Next week I'm going to turn it into a Lamborghini!" "Keep them coming." "We can't promise to put them on telly." "They give us such a laugh that we want to see them." "They're brilliant!" "Recently, hot hatchbacks have been in the doldrums, but have come back with a vengeance." "Every other day another comes along with more power and a new and exciting way of getting that power on the road." "A year ago we gasped when Ford introduced the Ford Focus RS." "It had 212bhp, which was harnessed by a new type of front differential." "Then Volkwsagen came along with the Golf R32." "This had 237bhp which was kept in check with an ingenious 4-wheel drive system." "Now we have the Alfa Romeo 147 GTA which has 250bhp." "So does it have a front differential?" "No." "Does it have a 4-wheel drive system?" "No." "The result is, shall we say, exciting..." "In the same way as sharing your bath with a fan heater." "In a straight line it doesn't just beat the Ford and the Volkwsagen, it annihilates them." "It really is a massively fast car." "0-60 takes six seconds." "It would be faster still IF you could use all the power." "Just imagine what the front wheels are having to do in this car." "They have to do the steering and most of the braking." "All the time they are being attacked by 250 mad Italian, over-excitable Il Palio horses." "The traction control is on virtually constantly trying desperately to keep the power away from the wheels." "De de de de de de - there we go." "You may as well have a 1.3!" "The problem is that if you turn the traction control off... .. all hell breaks loose!" "It wouldn't be so bad if the chassis was any good." "But it's really very, very wobbly and loose." "All the time you've got this heavy V6 engine trying to drag you into the nearest piece of undergrowth!" "It's a mess!" "This car is insane." "But that's OK because you'd have to be insane to buy one." "I can guarantee that it will go wrong in some way." "I've had this half a day and look at the wheel wobble!" "That will put you in the hands of the Alfa Romeo dealer network, widely acknowledged to be the worst in all of Britain." "And there's more." "Alfas depreciate as fast as they accelerate." "You pay £22,000 for this car now and in three years it will be worth way less than half of that." "If you have a modicum of common sense, you'll avoid the 147 and buy one of the other two." "The Golf probably." "It manages to be nearly as fast as the Alpha, without being completely..." "Right then." "Complete disaster." "No, fabulous car." "Great in every way." "You said it would lose all it's value." "That it'd fall apart." "It'd crash into a field." "Those are normally bad things." "Yep." "There's another way of looking at them and the place to start is under the bonnet." "It is not a 3.2 litre V6, but a heart with chrome ventricles sticking out of it." "If you go to the interior, look at the body-hugging seats." "Hand-stitched leather, dials like a Ferrari, aluminium pedals..." "It's SUCH a nice place to be." "It handles like a stallion with half a hundred weight of wasabi up its backside and I know it'll ruin you BUT if you want to be sensible - get the bus." "Can we nail this down?" "If it's the real world and your money, what would you choose?" "The Golf, the Focus or this?" "Not the Focus." "It's the cheapest." "Yes and it's good on the track but in the real world it's twitchy." "I said I'd go for the Golf." "Every fibre of me says, "Buy it" but I'd veer off en route and buy this." "I'd buy it too." "It's crazy." "It's the one I'd get." "It's mental!" "We're women, as he keeps reminding us." "You're a man." "What's it to be?" "The Alfa." "Good grief." "There's something we have to do cos we know nothing." "Avanti Stigissimo!" "Off the line and predictably a huge amount of wheel spin!" "Two big questions." "Will the Alfa beat the RS Focus?" "Will it have any front tyres left at the end of the lap?" "There we go." "The Stig's gone easy-listening opera." "It's enough to bring a tear to his helmet." "He's keeping surprisingly tight." "He's doing it with no traction control." "If you buy a 147 GTA don't try it at home." "The button that disengages traction control will probably fall off." "That's very fast." "Flat out." "If he tries this corner he could end up in the studio." "No." "He's through it." "He was four seconds off at the halfway mark." "He's across the line." "I've got the time here." "It's one minute, 35.6, which puts it sort of there." "You've got to ignore the ones done in the wet." "We're two seconds behind the Golf and three seconds behind the Focus." "Quite slow." "Does it bother you?" "Not at all!" "You'd still buy it?" "What about you?" "Couldn't care less." "Neither could I. I'd still have it." "That's the extraordinary thing about the world of cars." "Bad cars can be brilliant and there's your example." "On that wildly illogical, under-steering bombshell - Goodnight!" "See you next week."