"JIMMY DURANTE: (SINGING) Now once upon a time they sang the vo-Dee-o-doe" "But that was long ago" "Then everybody started in to boop-boop-a-doop" "They got tired of that, you know" "But the tune for you and me" "Very unnecessary." "Is that swinging symphony" "They called it Inka dinka Dee" "A dinka doo A dinka Dee" "Oh, what a tune for croonin'" "Inka dinka Dee A dinka doo, a dinka Dee" "It's got the whole world swoonin'" "Eskimo belles up in..." "Let me hear those trumpets." "That's not a trumpet." "That's not a trumpet." "(TUBA PLAYING)" "That's a trumpet." "(SINGING) Inka dinka Dee A dinka doo, a dinka Dee" "Simply means Inka dinka Dee, a dinka doo" "Inka dinka Dee A dinka doo" "Let me hear my symphony." "What a band." "(SINGING) Inks a-dinka dinks A dinka dinks, a dinka Dee" "It's got the whole world swoonin'" "I'm walkin' down the street..." "I'm walkin' down the street... (TRUMPET BLARING)" "Tell me, Mr. James, now just what did you accomplish?" "(SINGING) Inka dinka Dee A dinka doo" "A dinka Dee-eee" "That note was given to me by Bing Crosby, and was he glad to get rid of it!" "(SINGING) Inka dinka Dee A dinka doo" "(APPLAUSE)" "(CHIRPING)" "(SIGHS)" "Boys!" "Time to get up." "Come on." "MAN:" "It's Saturday morning." "We've gotta get going." "Where are we goin'?" "We're going to see my Uncle Joe." "What?" "No, I don't wanna go to Uncle Joe's." "BOY:" "No!" "Come here." "Come here." "Come here!" "(SHOUTING CONTINUES)" "I wanna watch my cartoons!" "It's Saturday." "You can't make us!" "You can't make us!" "We don't wanna go to Uncle Joe's." "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "We don't wanna go!" "We don't wanna go!" "We don't wanna go!" "We'll be good, we promise." "We'll eat anything." "We'll clean our room, but no Uncle Joe. (SIGHS)" "Now come on." "We don't have time for this." "Leave us alone!" "Come on now." "You wouldn't hurt Daddy." "(GRUNTS) (GASPS)" "WOMAN:" "It's still pretty early, Carl." "I want to get there first." "If you don't get there first, whoever does get there first talks about you before you get there until there's no point in you even being there." "Which reminds me, try to bring up my cousin Tina's drinking." "She's your cousin." "CARL:" "You're better at it, more subtle." "(INTERCOM BEEPS) Carl and Nora McTeague." "Welcome to hell." "Are we first, Douglas?" "Indeed, sir." "No one else had the presence of mind to be three hours early." "(CHUCKLING)" "May I take your bird, madam?" "No, thank you, Douglas." "We'll give it to him ourselves." "Would you care to wait in the drawing room?" "Thank you." "There was another car out front." "Who..." "Dr. Hemmel is with your uncle." "Oh?" "Anything wrong?" "Your uncle had some congestion." "He was coughing most of the night, sir." "What kind of cough?" "Was it dry or, you know, liquidy?" "I mean..." "It was just a cough, sir." "Next time I'll save you a sample." "He'll really like the bird, I think." "(SIGHS)" "It cost us $400, Carl." "You have to spend money to make money." "Oh, my heavens!" "Yolanda, what's wrong?" "He's dead!" "(SOBBING)" "One minute the doctor was examining him, and he said he was fine, and then..." "He's dead." "Come quickly, please." "Yes!" "Yes!" "BOY:" "Are we rich?" "CARL:" "Shh." "Maybe." "Oh, my God!" "(YOLANDA SOBBING)" "Yolanda, go clean something!" "(GIGGLING) Stop that!" "(GASPS) It's Dr. Hemmel!" "(GASPS)" "Of course it's Dr. Hemmel!" "He used to brag to me how he got up every morning at 5:00 a.m." "to play racquetball at 71 years old." "You don't hear him bragging now. (CHUCKLING)" "Truth be known, Uncle Joe, we are so relieved." "When Yolanda came in there screaming, we thought that..." "Well, all I can say is, we're glad you're still with us, Uncle Joe." "You look thrilled." "Oh, we are." "Especially the boys, Joe and Joe." "And look, Uncle Joe, another little Joe in the oven." "Here's a doctor's note to prove it." "You look nice, Nora." "Thanks, Uncle Joe." "So do you." "Why don't we just cut the cable?" "Shh!" "It's too thick." "Come on." "Did you hear what he said?" "What?" "He said you look nice." "I think that's a good sign, don't you?" "Oh, I don't know what to think anymore." "Carl, I want a girl, honey." "All right, I swear, after he's dead we'll have a girl, I promise, okay?" "(PANTING)" "Hey-hey!" "CARL:" "Uncle Joe?" "Wanted to tell you about something." "You should see how Big Joe, our Big Joe, what a head for business he has, already." "Just nine years old." "He organized this lawn mowing company with the other fourth graders." "He's preparing himself in case he has to take over a big business someday." "So you're interested in money, huh?" "Uh-huh." "Made 10 bucks just comin' here." "I get another 20 if I kiss you." "I'm thinkin' about it." "(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)" "All right." "(PANTING) Carl, what happened?" "Is he..." "Massive coronary." "He died instantly." "Really?" "You mean, just..." "And he left everything to you, sis." "Really?" "No, it wasn't even him." "It was Dr. Hemmel." "You son of a bitch." "You really wish it was the old man in the ambulance, don't you?" "I did before, but now I wish it was you." "How are your girls, Ed?" "That's right, we have girls." "You know why?" "Because we weren't cynical and cold-blooded enough to put Ed's sperm in a centrifuge and spin it around to separate the X's from the Y's." "Excuse me, brother, but no matter how much Uncle Joe is worth, there is a line below which we will not go!" "Jolene, Joette, let's go in, girls." "We saw an ambulance." "Dr. Hemmel died." "Oh." "(FLATULENCE SOUND)" "(FLATULENCE SOUND CONTINUING)" "Dennis, why don't you go and sit at the kid's table?" "Make me." "Ow!" "What's the matter with you?" "Are you retarded?" "Not according to the tests." "Just sit here and shut up." "(FLATULENCE SOUND)" "(SQUEALS)" "Yolanda, help!" "JOETTE:" "It's all over the place." "He has a cold, Uncle Joe." "He didn't want you to get sick." "Ed, one of your girls knocked over some milk." "Well, Uncle Joe, I guess you'll have to find a new doctor." "What for?" "Doctors, medicine." "Who needs 'em, huh, Uncle Joe?" "You know who you should talk to about this?" "Glen." "This man keeps himself in shape." "It's discipline." "I exercise for a couple of weeks." "That's it." "I can't stick with it." "I really admire you, Glen." "(CHUCKLING) Well, you know..." "Were you able to fit your exercise equipment into your new apartment?" "Frank." "(GASPS)" "What new apartment?" "Oh, didn't you hear, Glen and Muriel are sep..." "You were keeping that a secret." "Oh, my God." "I feel horrible." "I could cut out my tongue." "Here's a knife." "No, really, I'm..." "You split UP?" "No." "No!" "No. (CHUCKLES)" "Then why..." "It's, um..." "You know I'm trying to start that new business, right?" "Well, it takes a lot of time and energy." "And when I'm with Muriel, I just..." "I... lam so crazy about her that all I can think about is... (SNICKERS)" "You know." "Yeah." "So, I thought I'd move out for a while, and I would then be able to get some work done." "(FLATULENCE SOUND) (CHUCKLES)" "Anyway, Glen, it's nobody's business what you two do." "I mean, you have no kids." "You're both barren." "Frank, I almost forgot to ask you, how is Tina's hit-and-run case coming?" "Hit-and-run case?" "Yeah." "You remember, Tina, the night that you got drunk and plowed into that school bus." "Plowed?" "She just scraped some paint off it." "The brakes failed." "Everyone was fine, the kids, the nuns." "I just thank God she was in a good, safe car." "Not one of those tiny little sports cars like your girlfriend drives." "Those are..." "They're death traps." "What are you talking about?" "His girlfriend drives a Chrysler." "Big blue Chrysler, right, Glen?" "She's not my girlfriend!" "She's an instructor at the gym." "I mean..." "I met..." "I left my gym bag at the gym is what..." "And she was bringing it back to me." "(CHUCKLES)" "I guess you have a lot of time to notice these things, Ed, now that you're not working." "What happened?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "Nothing." "Nothing." "There was just a little cutback at Ed's place." "It was nothing." "And they let go of some of the employees that were..." "Stealing company secrets and selling them to competitors." "Pass the butter, please." "That's a lie, and I'll prove it in court!" "This Friday, right?" "No, we got a continuance." "The court dockets were too filled with drunk driving cases." "I skidded on a wet spot!" "Somebody get her a drink." "A drink?" "Somebody get her a barrel." "Please, everyone." "Why must this happen every time we get together?" "Can't this man have some peace?" "Hasn't he earned it?" "Delivering newspapers when he was four years old, his little toes frozen because he didn't have any shoes." "Carl, it's all right." "No, it's not all right!" "It's like we've lost our sense of values." "Maybe it's not mine to say, but Nora and I..." "Come up here, sweetie, and Joseph and Jonas and little Josiah on the way, we lead a simple life." "We have each other, and I ask you, what the heck else is there?" "(IN ENGLISH ACCENT) Joe-Joe, I'm just going to the market." "Oh!" "Molly!" "Come here." "These are my nieces and nephews." "Everyone, this is Molly." "Hi." "ALL:" "Hi." "Douglas said you wanted to see me." "Would you mind going to the market?" "We're out of Oreos." "Well, we wouldn't be out of Oreos, would we, if somebody hadn't sucked out all the insides, and tossed the rest away, you naughty boy. (GIGGLING)" "I'm old and I'm rich." "I can eat whatever parts I want." "If I want to eat the goddamn box, I'd eat the goddamn box!" "Ooh, who wound you up today?" "Better give me some money then." "Here." "Go ahead, take an extra hundred." "You might see something you want." "You are such a dear." "I'll see you later." "Bye." "Toodles!" "These are good melons." "Yeah." "Mmm." "Sweet, juicy." "Uncle Joe?" "Who..." "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "Who..." "Oh, that's Molly." "She's living here." "Housekeeper?" "Secretary?" "Well, not exactly." "She's sort of, uh, my nurse." "Nurse?" "Yeah." "I decided I wanted a nurse." "Someone to ease my suffering." "An agency sent her?" "No, she came here delivering a pizza one night, and, well, we got to talking, it turns out she'd like to be a nurse." "So, yeah, she helps out in various ways." "She's become very special to me." "(PINS FALL, CROWD GASPING)" "(MURMURS)" "(CHEERING)" "Yeah!" "(CHEERING CONTINUES)" "(CHATTERING)" "(GRUNTS)" "Oh!" "Thank you, Fred." "Hello, everyone." "I'm Chris Schenkel." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "On behalf of the Pro Bowler's Tour, we'd like to thank all the good people of Milwaukee for their support of the tour." "The top five qualifiers tomorrow will begin playing at 2:30." "Oh, shit!" "WOMAN: (YELLING) You do this every time!" "You ruin every vacation we've ever been on." "MAN:" "Shut up!" "WOMAN:" "It's always the same," ""Let's just drive a little further, a little further."" "Then there's no place to stay and we wind up in a shithole like this!" "(OBJECT SHATTERING)" "This is..." "This is unbelievable." "(SIGHING)" "Everywhere I stay, I'm next to this couple." "I mean, not literally them, but people just like them." "It's like a franchise." "MAN:" "You've made my life a living hell!" "WOMAN:" "Kiss my ass!" "MAN:" "That would take all night!" "(SLAMS DOOR)" "(GASPS) on." "Oh, God!" "You know, this is really stupid." "ABC gives me a suite at the Marriott and we're at the Bates Motel." "Let's get out of here." "Honey, look, you know I get embarrassed at your hotel." "Everyone always says," ""How does a schlepp like McTeague" ""afford a room at the Marriott?"" ""Ohm don't you know, he sleeps with Robin Hunter," ""the producer of the telecast."" ""Really?" "He must screw better than he bowls."" "I do, don't I?" "I can't take it, Robin." "I can't do it anymore." "What?" "I'm giving up bowling." "Why?" "My wrist." "It's a pre-arthritic condition, and it's not gonna get better." "You saw a doctor?" "No, Al, the janitor at the bowling alley examined it." "He seemed to know what he was talking about." "And he took me right away." "Of course I saw a doctor!" "I don't know." "Next week in Cincinnati is the last tournament of the season." "I'm just gonna bowl there and that's it." "Sweetheart." "I'm sorry." "I just wish for once I could've finished in the top five, gotten on the national telecast just once!" "That would've been nice." "What are you gonna do?" "Well, some guys offered to make me a partner in this huge new bowling center on Long Island." "They offered me 25% interest for a 10% investment, 'cause, you know, I'd run it." "It's a good deal." "It's great." "Only I don't have the cash." "They want 300,000." "Whew!" "So, then I thought, you know, maybe I'd be happy teaching." "Yeah?" "Only then..." "You'd always make more money than me." "Who cares about crap like that?" "If you're happy being a teacher, then that makes me happy." "That's it." "That's all there is." "(CHUCKLES)" "WOMAN:" "Her name is Molly Richardson." "She's 24 years old." "She's English." "She came over here two years ago as a nanny for a couple named Holcomb." "Mrs. Holcomb eventually fired her, and when she left," "Mr. Holcomb attempted to kill himself." "Oh, God!" "Miss Richardson then bounced from job to job, bikini model, physical therapist..." "Ah, we're dead." "...until she got a job delivering pizzas." "Pays to have skills." "She moved in with your Uncle Joe about three weeks ago, and she's been there ever since." "As a nurse?" "Well, she seems to spend most of her time swimming." "In the nude." "Here are some pictures." "What?" "(GASPS) Whoa!" "BOTH:" "Oh, my God!" "Are they having sex?" "Grow up, Muriel." "What do you think?" "She's gonna get everything." "That's the way these old guys are." "Tough as nails." "Biggest son of a bitch in the world." "She touches his shriveled up little noodle, and his brains turn to frozen yogurt." "You would know." "She'll marry him, screw him six feet into the ground, and then get everything." "Well, that's our money, damn it, and no English little bitch is gonna screw us out of it." "Do we know if they're sleeping together?" "Is there proof?" "Well, I need more time." "They're humping too quick to get pictures?" "Let's get a better detective!" "Yeah, how do we know if you're any good?" "She was good enough to find out you were fired and that Glen left Muriel." "That's pretty good." "Listen, my guy knew about Tina's accident while the car was still spinning." "Oh, Yeah'?" "Look at these pictures she got of Glen and that gym instructor." "Oh, yeah." "(CHUCKLING)" "Mmm." "That's not me." "Well, it looks like you, and that's all that matters. (ANGRY GROWLING)" "Use your gun!" "Glen, cut it out." "Come here." "Stop this." "Oh, stop it!" "Don't you see what's happening here?" "Yeah, you're out of scotch." "Oh, Tina, go lie down." "We caused this!" "All the backbiting and the greed and the detectives." "We've made each other look filthy." "Well, now it's all come home to roost." "'Cause not one of us has the credibility to go to Uncle Joe and convince him that this girl is just after his money." "It's not our fault!" "It's his." "Sweet old Uncle Joe." "I mean, we were all decent human beings 'til he got his hooks into us." "Except for Frank." "Frank was always a son of a bitch." "It's true." "Uncle Joe does this to us." "He pulls our strings and makes us dance." "He's the devil." "Every time you draw a line in the dirt and you say," ""Okay, I'll go just this far and no farther,"" "he draws another line just an inch farther and you say," ""Why not?" "I mean, it's just another inch." ""I've already come this far, already."" "Then one day you look back and you can't even see where you started." "Well, why don't we all agree to stop here?" "Let this bimbo have his money." "I mean, isn't our self-respect worth more than any inheritance?" "No." "GLEN:" "Ed, we're just people." "Nobody could walk away from that much money." "Daniel did." "Who's Daniel?" "Our cousin." "What happened to him?" "He called Uncle Joe a mean, greedy, cruel, grasping, evil, manipulative old man." "We all did." "The difference is Daniel said it to his face." "Grapes." "What?" "Grapes." "They were having grapes, and Daniel started screaming about how the migrant workers were oppressed and we shouldn't eat grapes." "So Uncle Joe told him the migrant workers could go screw themselves at Macy's window, and Daniel let him have it." "I'll never forget that night." "Do you remember the look on the old man's face?" "He died a little that night." "Daniel went away." "He just went away." "Took his wife and son and..." "(WHISTLES)" "Oh, man, did we hate his son!" "ED:" "How come?" "Oh, he was so cute, you know?" "You just wanted to smash his little face in." "Where is he now?" "Daniel's in Brazil, or somewhere tryin' to save the rain forest or some shit like that." "His wife died a couple of years ago, and young Daniel," "I think he's some kind of athlete." "A bowler, I think." "Could we find him?" "(CHEERING, SHOUTING)" "Uh, excuse me." "(CHEERING) (GRUNTS) Yeah!" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, come here." "What's happening?" "I've never seen him bowl like this." "He's in the zone." "(GASPS) Where does he stand?" "I mean, what's..." "Right now, fifth." "Fifth?" "You mean he can make the finals, he could be on TV tomorrow?" "Looks that way." "(CHEERING)" "Yea!" "Whoo!" "I am on fire!" "I know." "You're fifth." "Danny, if I tell you something, will it make you nervous?" "No way." "I'm in the zone." "Okay." "Okay, then." "If you get on the telecast tomorrow, I can turn it into an enormous break for you." "I can build a whole show around you." "Cinderella man." "Even if you lose the first match, we can still build it up." "Chris will interview you." "You'll be funny, charming." "Next year you could be wearing an ABC blazer." "Ooh, I got a chubby." "Danny, you've got to get on the telecast tomorrow, you've gotta finish no worse than fifth." "I'm in the zone." "I'm up." "GIRL:" "Come on, Danny!" "(CHUCKLES)" "(IMITATES GUNSHOT)" "(CHEERING)" "Yes!" "Yes!" "(CHEERING)" "Whoo-hoo!" "(GRUNTS)" "(CROWD MURMURS)" "MAN:" "What's he doin'?" "Danny!" "It's nothin'." "I just lost my line a little bit." "Danny, Petraglia just finished with a 289." "What?" "So?" "You're still okay." "You're still fifth, but it's close." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "All right, so what do I need?" "Okay, last frame." "You need a mark and a three count." "A strike or a spare?" "And a three count." "Okay, I got it." "I got it." "It's okay." "(SIGHS) Get 'em, Danny." "He seem nervous to you?" "Couldn't pull a pin out of his ass with a tractor." "On!" "(GROANING)" "When they lose this long, they don't know how to win." "Come on, Danny!" "Yeah!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "He got it!" "That's what I'm talkin' about." "All right." "All right." "(SHOUTING CONTINUES)" "All right." "Just three more pins." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'll be right back." "Danny." "Then we'll celebrate." "(CHUCKLES)" "(GRUNTS) (AUDIENCE GROANS)" "(SIGHS) Oh, my God!" "Aw!" "(PANTING)" "(SIGHS)" "Feeling better?" "(GROANS)" "I'm goin' out to get some more liquor." "I don't think that's a good idea." "Really?" "I think it's a great idea." "You're in your underwear." "What, now you're tellin' me I can't go out in my underwear?" "Danny..." "What?" "Just because you're very successful, and I'm a miserable failure, you think you can tell me what to do?" "Well, let me tell you something, Miss High-Powered-Network" "Big-Shot-Don't-l-Look-Hot- In-My-ABC-Blazer Career Woman, lam still a man, and if I want to go out in my underwear," "I am going out in my underwear!" "If I want to go out with no underwear, I'm going out with no underwear." "You got that?" "Go ahead." "(EXHALES) Okay, now I guess we know who's boss, huh?" "Honey, I think you need a doctor." "Why don't you just say it?" "Say what?" "You know." ""Danny, you blew it." "You choked." "You gagged." "You had it and you lost it." ""It wasn't your wrist, Danny." "You never had the guts to win."" "What a shitty thing to say!" "I didn't say it!" "You're thinkin' it." "Well, yeah, I'm thinking it." "(GRUNTS)" "(ENGINE SPUTTERING)" "You hit a car." "You could've killed somebody." "The way I bowl?" "(PANTS) You know..." "I never regretted a moment until tonight." "All those years of losing, this was the first time I felt like a loser." "Come here." "Come here." "(GRUNTS) Okay." "Oh, great!" "Now I'm impotent." "We just kissed for two seconds." "No, it never takes me this long." "Usually we're showering by now." "(KNOCKING) Oh, that's probably the manager." "Who are you?" "Daniel McTeague?" "No shit." "That's my name too." "No, no." "I'm Laura Dinsmore." "I'm a private detective." "You're a detective?" "Great." "Yeah." "Help me find my pants." "Mr. McTeague..." "Just a minute." "Do you have any where she's leaning over a saddle looking coy?" "Is your father still in Brazil?" "Dad?" "Yeah." "No, that was years ago." "Since then he's been in, uh, Ethiopia, Chile, Uruguay..." "He was with the Kurds for a while." "Wherever there's injustice in the world, you can find my dad." "You see, you two have never met him." "He's a great man." "But when I was a kid, he used to give away my toys to the poorer kids." "Not just the broken toys, I mean the good toys." "And then he'd want me to be happy about it." "DINSMORE:" "The family was thinking, if your dad would come back and try and make up with his cousin Joe..." "Look, my dad hated these people." "He said they worship money above all things." "Especially Uncle Joe." "I mean, they're just..." "Why don't you go back then?" "If you could help in this situation, you'd share in the inheritance, whichever relative got it." "Oh, please." "What, I'm gonna become like them?" "Kiss up to my uncle, waiting for him to die?" "No, I'd rather the naked limey chick got the money." "Sorry." "No." "It's nice to meet an honest man." "Especially in your family." "Oh, uh, sorry about your car." "That's all right." "It's a rental." "Look, if you change your mind, give me a call." "DINSMORE:" "Night." "DANNY:" "Good night." "You coming inside?" "He taught me how to bowl." "Who did?" "Uncle Joe." "Really?" "What do you think, honey?" "Should I go back there?" "Well, I mean, if you hate him anyway..." "No, I don't hate him." "No, my dad hated him." "I was just a kid." "He was really nice to me." "Well..." "Oh, who am I kidding?" "I was thinking of going back to see my uncle because I..." "Because I thought he might loan me the money to buy into that bowling alley." "So, what's wrong with that?" "People borrow money from their relatives all the time." "Hey." "Yeah, but with my family..." "You know you're a decent person." "Just decide what you want to do, and don't beat yourself up over it, okay?" "Yeah, maybe my relatives have changed." "Maybe they're not so ridiculous anymore." "(ALL SINGING)" "(CHEERING)" "Happy birthday, sir." "Blow 'em out, Uncle..." "Where are my presents?" "I like presents." "Especially from people who love me." "And who would that be?" "We've got something very special for you, Uncle Joe." "(KIDS GIGGLING) TINA:" "I said, cut the crap!" "Come on." "Hey!" "Stop it." "I could see your panties." "(RUCKUS CONTINUES) Cool it!" "A movie?" "I haven't liked the movies since DeMille died." "You'll like this one." "Yeah?" "(LAUGHING) Should the kids leave the room?" "No, no." "I'll get the lights." "GLEN:" "Leave it alone!" "LITTLE JOE:" "Stop it!" "TINA:" "Shh!" "Mmm." "LITTLE JOE:" "See, I told you." "TINA:" "Shh!" "Go ahead." "Tell me more." "Tell me about what's happening in Asia..." "Remember this party, Uncle Joe?" "You hired people to come in and film it." "(MOVIE CHATTERING CONTINUES)" "We shouldn't even have advisers in that country!" "We're gonna get involved in a full Asian land war." "You're such a beatnik, Daniel." "You've always been a beatnik." "Sandals and white socks, that's you." "The French, they knew when to get out." "The French?" "Hitler offered them a bottle of wine in exchange for their whole country." "They took it!" "Why are you filming this?" "I'm not paying you to film this." "Where's my special boy?" "Where's Uncle Joe's special boy?" "Here I am, Uncle Joe." "Carl, get in touch with reality." "Where's Little Danny?" "(CRYING)" "Where's Uncle Joe's special little boy?" "I'm right here." "There you are." "(CHUCKLES)" "Film this." "This is why I hired you." "You gonna do Durante?" "Yeah." "Good boy." "Come on." "(PIANO PLAYING) (SINGING) Inka dinka doo" "A dinka dee A dinka doo" "Oh, what a tune for crooning" "Inka dinka doo A dinka dee" "(LAUGHING) A dinka doo" "It's got the whole world croon..." "Swooning" "Eskimo belles up in..." "Stop the music." "Stop the music." "Folks, I want to welcome you to my Great-Uncle Joe's 50th birthday party." "Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!" "Remember, Uncle Joe... (SINGING) Start off each day with a song" "Even when things go wrong (LAUGHING)" "You'll feel better You'll even look better" "I'm here to tell you You got to be a go-getter" "'Cause you know that you can't go wrong" "When you start off each day with a song" "Yeah!" "(CHEERING)" "(MOVIE LAUGHING, CHATTERING)" "Good boy." "(PROJECTOR WINDING DOWN) Uncle Joe, here's our present." "Who the hell is this?" "It's Danny, Uncle Joe." "Danny, Junior." "We found him for you for your birthday." "Danny?" "Uncle Joe, happy birthday." "Little Danny!" "(LAUGHING)" "(WHISPERING) Hug him, go hug him." "(CHUCKLING) Stop the music, huh?" "(LAUGHING) Hey, hey." "Hey." "Hey." "What a present!" "Hey, is your, uh..." "What?" "Are you alone?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "(LAUGHING)" "Well, let's go break the piñata." "(SHOUTING) Come on, you can do it." "Hit the pig!" "Douglas looks the same as he did 25 years ago." "This is his son." "(SHOUTING CONTINUES) Come on, Douglas." "You can do it!" "That's right, Douglas." "Keep going." "(WATER SPLASHING) (KIDS LAUGHING)" "So, your cousins found you and brought you here, huh?" "Yeah, it was, uh, it was their idea." "I wonder what made them suddenly decide to do that." "Don't know, huh?" "I couldn't..." "They tell you about Molly?" "Yeah." "Yeah, they did." "Come on, you can do better than that!" "Whoo!" "(SHOUTING, CHATTERING)" "She's your new nurse, fight'?" "(MOLLY SHOUTING)" "She's more than a nurse." "She's a companion." "What do you think about that?" "(CHUCKLES) Hey, you worked hard." "You're entitled." "What do you really think?" "(SIGHS)" "I think it's ridiculous." "I mean, I'm watching you." "You can barely wear your hat." "(CHUCKLES)" "Douglas, stop playing around and fetch me a beer." "My pleasure, sir." "(SHOES SLOSHING)" "Well, what are you two talkin' about?" "I was telling Danny about Molly, how important she's become to me." "I've been thinking that she's the person in the world who's become closest to me." "And the person I'd most like to see have some happiness, some good fortune." "On the other hand, seeing Little Daniel again has made me think about family." "Ah." "After all is said and done, maybe it's family." "Family comes first, hmm?" "Molly!" "What do you think?" "Does family come first?" "I don't know." "I suppose it depends on the family, really." "How wise." "How deep." "How pithy." "Ah." "Eh, family, friends, who can choose?" "Know what I'd like?" "ALL:" "What is it, Uncle Joe?" "I'd like Danny to do Jimmy Durante for me." "Yes!" "(CHEERING)" "Yeah, come on!" "That would be just so happy-making." "Yeah, happy-making." "(CHUCKLING) No." "Uh, Jesus." "This is pathetic." "Shut up and do Durante." "You do Durante!" "This is demented." "This wasn't such a good present after all." "Molly, honey, let's go inside." "But, Joe-Joe, your family's here to see you." "I mean, they all want to be with you." "But I'd rather just be with you." "All right, then." "First let me get some sweeties." "Danny, are you married?" "No." "Girlfriend?" "Uh, yeah, I have a girlfriend." "Bring her around tomorrow, 2:00." "We'll go swimming." "Swimming." "Great." "(SIGHS)" "I feel like a goddamn tea bag." "(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Sorry, sir." "Ah!" "Let me ask you, Robin." "Uh, yes, sir?" "Do you ever produce basketball games?" "I will be, this next season." "You know what I hate?" "When they're playing and the camera's on the stands, on some moron, and his face is painted blue and white, and I miss a basket." "I hate that!" "Yeah, so do I." "Hey, Danny, what about you?" "You're gonna bowl the rest of your life, hit those senior tours?" "Actually, I've given up bowling." "I, uh, have this injury." "Yeah, it's a rough sport." "(CLEARS THROAT) I was, uh, gonna go back to college." "You know, get a teaching degree." "You'll never make the same money as Robin." "(SIGHS)" "Well, we've decided that that's not important." "Right." "JOE:" "Douglas!" "Yes, sir?" "Much obliged, sir." "May I go and change now, sir?" "You can go dance the Hully Gully for all I care." "Thank you, sir." "JOE:" "Yeah, I know teaching's a wonderful thing, very noble." "But you've been bowling 10 years." "You're telling me that leads to nothing?" "Just throw those 10 years away?" "Well, I..." "What?" "I, uh, I have this opportunity to invest in a bowling center." "It's an excellent deal." "But I'm, uh..." "Short of money." "Yeah." "How much?" "It's $300,000." "(WHISTLING)" "Danny, come in the pool." "(CHUCKLES)" "Just"" "(EXHALES)" "(SPUTTERS) ls that salt water?" "Yeah." "Helps me float." "Huh." "This belt's not enough." "I can't use my legs." "I tell you what." "I'll wrestle you for the money." "What?" "I'll wrestle you." "If you win, I'll give you $300,000." "If I win, you owe me nothing." "(CHUCKLES)" "Come out here in the deep end." "Show that girlfriend of yours what you're made of." "Oh, yeah, definitely." "I'm gonna beat up an elderly crippled man, and she's gonna say, "My, what a catch!"" "No." "Can your feet touch?" "Good!" "(GRUNTS, GROANING)" "(GASPS, LAUGHS) (DANNY YELLING)" "Danny!" "JOE:" "Come on, bowler!" "DANNY: (GRUNTING) Help me!" "Oh, man!" "Oh, come on, Joe-Joe, that's enough." "Let him up." "(GASPS, SPUTTERS)" "(PANTING, SCREAMS)" "(YELLING) (YELLING)" "(YELLS)" "(SCREAMING, SPUTTERS, GASPS)" "I win the first round." "Two out of three." "No!" "You heard him." "He quit." "(GASPS) Where is he?" "Yo u o Kay?" "Get me out, honey." "Honey!" "Oh, Jesus!" "You got the grip of a bear!" "Forty years of lifting scrap metal." "And I like to win." "(GIGGLES)" "(PANTING) Yeah, well." "I'll give you the money." "(PANTING)" "$300,000." "It's yours." "You, uh, you mean like a loan?" "No, no, no." "It's yours." "A gift." "Because you're different from the others." "You're better." "And for all the times you made me laugh. (LAUGHS)" "Inka dinka dink A dinka dink" "Uncle Joe, this is, uh..." "Still see your father?" "What?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "I see him about once a year." "I bail him out of jail, and we make an afternoon of it." "Strange man." "Well, yeah, strange, sure but, you know, with principles and he believes in 'em." "I want you to call him from here." "Really?" "Yeah." "That's really great because, you know, it's been too many years, and whatever your disagreements, I think it's silly..." "Call him now." "Tell him you came to me for money, and I'm giving it to you." "And you realize he was wrong and I was right." "And you need what I've got more than you need what he's got." "Tell him that, and I'll give you the money." "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "(SNIFFS) Robin, we're leaving." "You know, there's something sicker about you than your legs." "(PANTING)" "(BIRDS CHIRPING)" "How about you, Molly?" "Want to wrestle?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Douglas!" "(THUNDERCLAP)" "(THUNDER RUMBLING)" "Molly!" "You had us worried." "About what?" "We're all here visiting." "We put Uncle Joe to bed." "We realized how late it was, and we got concerned about you." "Well, Monday nights I go to this newsstand to get the new TV Guide for Joe." "He likes to get it as early as possible, so he can circle everything he wants to watch." "Does he circle your ass?" "(CHUCKLES) You really are a stupid sod, aren't you?" "I'm going to bed." "Uncle Joe was kind of sprawled out up there." "You might want to give him a nudge, push him to one side." "You think I'm bonking the old gent, don't you?" "Yeah, we do." "Let me tell you something, handsome." "If I were having sex with your Uncle Joe, he'd be dead by now." "Oh, yeah, that's right." "You're just his nurse. (SNICKERS)" "Yeah, I believe that." "Excuse me a second." "(MOCK LAUGHING)" "Look, I'm no more a nurse than you are a human being." "I'm here because I'm fun." "And I'm fun to look at." "I don't mind letting him look because I like it here." "I like the car, I like the house, I like the comfort." "My life hasn't always been very comfortable." "Also, I like your Uncle Joe." "He's tough, he's funny and he's nice to me." "But I'm not a whore." "And if he asked me to sleep with him, I'd leave." "Good night." "It took you one day to get rid of Danny." "One day, that's pretty impressive, but that is not our last move!" "Move?" "You mean Danny's part of you?" "Look, up until now we've been nice." "But these are the finals, honey, and we're diving' for every loose ball." "What?" "I didn't like the Beatles, and I don't like you!" "You know, you're insane." "Listen!" "People have accidents." "What?" "Frank, what are you saying?" "I'm saying people have accidents, that's all." "(GASPS)" "(HOIST CREAKING)" "(METAL CLANGING)" "Got you, boss." "Okay." "Take over." "Yes, sir." "You still work here." "(INHALES) I love this place." "Who wouldn't?" "Well, I'm here." "What did you want to see me about?" "Okay, short and sweet." "I figured you came back sucking around for money, that you were like the others." "Maybe you're not." "So I apologize." "Okay?" "Go home now." "God, that was lovely." "I'm gettin' a little weepy." "(CHUCKLES) You're still a funny kid." "Not as cute as you used to be though." "Yeah, well, you're no Monet yourself." "Well, I lived in the streets 'til I was 20." "What do you expect?" "I was homeless before it was popular." "(CHUCKLES)" "Can we go inside a second?" "(CRANE CREAKING)" "I'm sorry that after all these years I even brought up the subject of money." "Okay?" "I didn't mean to." "Maybe I did, I don't know." "But anyway, I'm sorry I did." "Still want the money?" "Jesus!" "You don't let up." "Look." "Money's money, okay?" "I need it just like everybody else." "But money is not gonna turn me into some sycophantic, ass-licking whacko." "I have work to do." "Thanks for coming over." "Oh, uh, before you go, uh, could you get me a cup of water?" "It's hot in here." "Yeah, okay." "(TAPPING TELEPHONE RECEIVER)" "Hello?" "Long Island Hauling?" "I got a load sitting out here for a week." "Fieldstone, 8-5..." "What?" "What do you mean, they're out of business 25 years..." "I call them every day." "I..." "Uncle Joe?" "Joe?" "Twenty-five years." "Should I go get someone?" "Are you..." "(PANTING)" "I'm gonna get someone." "Danny!" "Stay here." "Are you all right?" "I have gaps." "Lapses." "L" How often?" "More lately." "I'm hurting the business." "Wha..." "No." "I mean, I'm sure..." "Danny." "If your cousins find out, they'll take me to court." "They'll declare me incompetent." "They'll pick me clean like buzzards." "They'll..." "They'll put me away." "I have an idea." "Lock the door, quick." "Get a chair." "Come on, come on." "Uh, it's really my lawyer's idea." "Okay." "He says that I can turn all my affairs, give everything over to one person now," "before this gets worse, which it will." "Someone I trust who'll take care of me, take care of the business." "You understand?" "Yeah." "(CRYING)" "I don't want to go into a home." "I wouldn't let that happen." "You wouldn't?" "No." "You understand what this means?" "This person gets control of my money now." "Not when I'm dead, now." "All of it." "Yes." "I'm gonna do it." "I'm gonna call my lawyers, set up a meeting for next week." "I'm gonna sign these papers and turn everything over to Molly." "Right." "Because..." "To Molly?" "Yes." "She's been so kind to me." "Nobody's ever been so kind." "You're gonna give everything to her?" "To Molly?" "Yeah, who did you think I meant?" "Oh..." "You thought I meant you." "(STAMMERS) No!" "No!" "(SIGHS) But Molly." "You think it's a mistake." "I don't know." "I wanna make love to her." "Joe." "If I did this, she'd make love to me, don't you think?" "Joe, look." "A lot of women will make love to you for a lot less money." "No." "I want her." "Joe, this doesn't sound so good to me." "I just don't think that you're being..." "I just don't think that you've had time to think this through." "Oh, I'm so tired." "I'm so tired of thinking." "Who should I trust?" "Who's not just after my money?" "Oh, Danny, help me." "I'm exhausted." "Maybe I should leave all the money to you." "(SIGHING)" "Well, why don't we talk about this later, okay?" "All right." "In the meantime," "I think it would be best if you just don't do anything." "(SIGHING) All right." "I'm so tired." "Get Douglas to take me home." "I'll be right back." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "(CHUCKUNG)" "Carlson shoots for three and scores!" "Give me the guy in the stands with the blue and white face." "That's good." "Hold it." "Take it." "It was the saddest thing you ever saw, honey." "I mean, this tough old guy, and he just sort of shriveled up right in front of me." "Dick, get ready to throw in a commercial." "Honey, I'm supposed to be concentrating." "Crow inside lay-up, scores!" "You missed a basket!" "Dick, sign off and go to commercial." "ANNOUNCER:" "Three minutes to go-Music, roll it!" "We're a minute under, Robin." "You missed a basket while you were on the guy with the painted face." "People hate that." "Wait a minute." "Who's directing this, you or me?" "Let me check." "That's my ass." "That's my ass in the director's chair." "Shit!" "I must be the director." "(DANNY SIGHS) Stan, we're back in 20." "No, no, it's okay." "This guy'll do it." "Here you go." "Slide right in here, slugger." "All right." "Give me a wide shot then we zoom in..." "Ten." "Get outta here!" "Get him outta here!" "I'm just gettin' the hang of this." "Come on, let's go!" "Outside." "Hey, it was nice meetin' ya and your ass!" "That's nice." "Give me another shot of the painted face." "What a pinhead." "Yeah, well, right now I have to work with that pinhead, so, uh, I'll meet you at..." "Oh, no, it's all right." "I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna be moving in with Uncle Joe for a while." "Really?" "Yeah." "Honey, I gotta keep an eye on him." "He's not all there." "He's thinkin' of givin' that naked pizza girl $20 million." "Yeah, that does seem wrong." "Yeah." "But who should get it?" "Your cousins?" "God, what a crew." "Klingons." "Well, he sort of mentioned that he might..." "What?" "That he might give it to me." "I mean, I'm not taking it that seriously." "I mean, that's not why I'm going over there." "I mean, I'm just worried about him." "Still..." "It's a funny idea, isn't it?" "You, me, married." "Living in that big house." "Yeah, it's funny." "WOMAN: (SINGING) Money slips through my fingers" "Don't forget, you owe me a dollar for the shoes. (LAUGHS)" "Anyway, as I was saying, my lawyer says I can turn all my money, everything, over to one person, now." "You understand?" "Yes." "I don't wanna end up in a home." "You won't." "I'm gonna do it." "I'm gonna call my lawyers and set up a meeting for next week, and I'm gonna turn everything over to Danny." "Danny?" "In fact, it was his idea." "Who did you think I..." "Oh." "You thought I meant you." "No, no, I just..." "Molly, what would people say?" "How would it look if..." "Look, Joe, what do you really know about this bloke?" "I mean, you haven't seen him in 25 years." "He shows up here wanting money for a bowling alley." "I don't know." "I don't know who to trust." "Maybe I should leave all my money to you." "Joe-Joe." "Yes!" "Whoa!" "Hey, did you see that?" "Yeah." "Excuse me." "You have a call from Washington, D.C., sir." "JOE:" "I'll take it upstairs." "You stay here with Danny." "Talk." "Enjoy yourself." "Let's go, Douglas." "You're working for your cousins, aren't you?" "Wait a minute." "How..." "Who..." "Oh, they let it slip out the other night just before they threatened to kill me." "They did what?" "You tell your cousins I'm not afraid of them." "And you leave Joe alone." "You keep your breasts off his eyebrows." "(KIDS LAUGHING) Hey, you little... (KIDS SCREAMING) Mommy!" "It's good." "What's happening, wonder boy?" "I mean, look at this." "(BOTH MOANING)" "Her tongue is practically in his wallet." "What are you drinkin'?" "I..." "It's a, um, a 7UP." "I'm not much of a drinker." "You will be." "There's something I wanted to ask you about." "Did you go and see Molly, and, uh..." "No." "Let me finish, all right?" "Did you go and see Molly and threaten to kill her?" "What?" "Did..." "You see how evil she is?" "You see what we're dealing with?" "(STAMMERING) We went to her to ask her if Joe's taking his medication, you know, for his circulation." "She said, "That's for me to know and for you to worry about."" "DANNY:" "She said that?" "Then I said, "I could kill you for that." Okay, now you know the truth." "God." "The first couple of days I was here she seemed so nice." "Yeah, that's before she saw you as a threat." "Right." "Maybe we should have a judge declare him incompetent, throw him in a home." "A home?" "I mean, you know, for his own protection." "I hear things at the scrap yard." "There is something wrong with him." "He screws things up." "He makes crazy deals." "He forgets deals he's made." "Danny, have you noticed anything?" "Anything we could use to put the old man away?" "Uh, no." "Keep your eyes open, and, for god sake, do something." "That's what you're here for." "(JOE COUGHING)" "Joe." "Joe!" "Joe." "(COUGHING CONTINUES)" "Here, have some water." "MOLLY:" "Cough it up." "(COUGHING CONTINUES) Joe, drink some water!" "Joe!" "(COUGHING)" "That's it." "(SIGHS)" "Piece of fruit." "She tried to kill him." "She knows he has a narrow gullet." "All the McTeagues have narrow gullets." "Swallowing..." "Frank, shut your mouth." "She's the only one who tried to help me." "I tried to help you, Uncle Joe, but Carl stopped me!" "Liar!" "Happy Birthday, Uncle Joe!" "That was last week." "You people are..." "Come on, Molly." "I've lost my appetite." "I've made a decision." "Here I am, Uncle Joe." "Hello, folks." "This is Jimmy Durante." "Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!" "(SINGING) Inka dinka doo" "A dinka dee A dinka doo" "Oh, what a tune for crooning '" "Danny." "No, honey." "Inka dinka doo" "A dinka dee A dinka doo" "It's got the whole world swoonin'" "(Danny." "DANNY 1 Stop the musk').!" "Stop the music!" "Everybody wants to get into the act!" "(LAUGHING) Remember, Uncle Joe..." "You gotta start off each day with a song" "Even when things go wrong" "You'll feel better You'll even look better" "I'm here to tell ya that you'll be a go-getter" "'Cause you know that things can't go wrong" "When you start off each day with a song" "Just those in wheelchairs!" "BOTH: 'Cause you know that things can't go wrong" "When you start off each day with a song Big finish!" "When you start off each day" "With a song" "Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!" "(LAUGHING)" "You're something." "(LAUGHING)" "(DOG BARKING) Robin!" "Robin!" "Whoa!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Where you going?" "I'm sorry." "I'm just a little "Inka Dinka Doo'd" out." "Oh." "Come on." "Well, you think I enjoyed that?" "A week ago your cousins asked you to do that and you said it was pathetic." "Two minutes ago you are singing, dancing and sliding down a banister?" "Honey, she's a vixen." "She's not givin' him his medicine." "She's gonna get his money, she's gonna get his power of attorney, and she's gonna dump him in a home." "I know this." "So it's not really the money you care about, it's your uncle." "Exactly." "He's opened up his heart to me." "You know, we've rekindled something that we haven't had since I was a little kid." "I mean, we got a bond growing here." "Danny, I love you, and I believe in you." "But isn't everything you're telling me a big crock of bubbling shit?" "No." "It's the money." "It's just the money." "It's not." "It's not." "Mr. Daniel, your uncle has requested another chorus." "You can come with me." "Just leave." "Honey, I can't just leave." "All my stuff's here, all my clothes." "I've seen your clothes." "Just leave." "Shall I tell him you're coming, sir?" "It's not the money." "DAN NY:" "He's back!" "Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!" "(CRUNCHING FOOD)" "More wine, sir?" "No thank you, Douglas." "Is the Chicken Kiev satisfactory?" "It's excellent." "Oh, could you tell the cook that tomorrow I'd like to have broiled salmon again?" "Very good, sir." "Is my uncle gonna swim today?" "He's not at home, sir." "He took the shuttle down to Washington." "Business trip." "Yes and no, sir." "What does that mean?" "It means he took Miss Molly along with him." "He did?" "Yes, sir." "In fact, he had me call the Coolidge Hotel and book them the honeymoon suite." "Honeymoon?" "(YELLS)" "More wine, sir?" "(ENGINES ROARING, TIRES SCREECHING)" "This is a matter of life or death." "These are Mr. McTeague's pills." "I have to get these to him in two minutes and 45 seconds." "Damn it, man." "I need that room number." "Well, I'm sorry, sir." "But Mr. McTeague was very specific." "He has a "Do Not Disturb" tonight, and no one is to have his room number." "Now, if you leave me the pills, I'll see to it that he gets them." "No!" "No!" "No." "(GRUNTING)" "No!" "No!" "No, no, no!" "You don't understand." "These pills only work if I give them to him myself." "It's a very rare condition." "Excuse me, sir." "Does this say "Moron"?" "Now, I will leave him your message first thing in the morning." "In the meantime, would you like a room?" "All right, I'll be honest with you, okay." "I'm his nephew." "Oh, his nephew." "Yes." "Because he gave specific instructions that his room number was not to be given to any of his relatives." "What the hell is the matter with you?" "Well..." "Do you not care about this hotel's reputation?" "Huh?" "You know, there is an old man shacked up in this hotel with a very young girl." "Sir, most of these rooms have old men with young girls." "This is Washington." "All right, listen, pal." "Just give me..." "A room, a cheap one." "Of course." "JOE:" "Come on, Molly." "Drink up!" "(GIGGLES)" "(KNOCKING) Yeah, come in." "It's open." "Right there." "Leaving?" "Yeah." "Where's Molly?" "She's taking a walk." "We had a fight." "Oh?" "Nothing serious, I hope." "Be honest with me." "Do you think Molly would even like me if I wasn't rich?" "Look, Uncle Joe," "I don't want to say anything against her." "But, like you say, let's be honest." "How many gorgeous young girls like that do you see with poor old guys?" "Take some towels." "What?" "Take some towels." "For the money they charge, you should take everything." "I'm trying to figure out a way to get the bed out of here." "(LAUGHS) You are some piece of work." "Do you know that?" "She's a good kid." "See, that's why she can't..." "She can't just get herself to, you know..." "You mean you two didn't, uh... (SIGHS) No." "You know, I never believed that anyone could love me for me." "How could I when my own mother didn't." "She didn't?" "She left me and my brother" "in a home in Albany when I was three." "No note, no nothing." "Never asked about us." "Never said, "I'm sorry."" "Your mother has to love you." "Right, Danny?" "So even if no one else does, she has to, doesn't she?" "Well, if my own mother couldn't love me, I..." "(SIGHS)" "I, uh..." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "I love you, Uncle Joe." "You do?" "Yeah, I do." "Take me home, Danny." "ROBIN:" "Danny, what do you mean?" "He's throwing her out of the house?" "Honey, just wait a second, will ya?" "(LAUGHS) ROBIN:" "Danny." "Honey, I have no choice." "It was an emergency." "She had Uncle Joe." "She wasn't gonna bring him back 'til she got what she wanted." "You mean, until she got what you wanted." "Honey, it's not like that." "Look, Uncle Joe and I, we talked." "I mean, we really talked." "He's been in Washington for a couple of days, some military contract." "Oh, yeah?" "I brought him back today." "And we're gonna go and see his attorneys." "From now on, honey, I'm going to be responsible for him." "I'm gonna be here with him, and, you know..." "Rich." "What about your cousins?" "You made a deal." "My cousins are animals." "They would put him in a home if they could." "Now, I'll take care of their children." "Maybe, you know, give each kid, like, a scholarship or something." "But my cousins, forget it." "They don't deserve anything." "You bastard!" "Frank, what are you doing?" "Whatever happened to "Hello"?" "We heard every word." "What do you do?" "Listen outside my door?" "Always." "You know, I had no idea just how sick you guys were." "Come spend a day with us." "I'd rather shove this club up my ass." "I'll do it for you." "You're playing a lone hand?" "You're double-crossing us?" "First of all," "I never agreed to anything with you." "All I said was I would visit my uncle, see how things were." "And let me tell you something, I saw and it made me sick." "You bastard!" "I like it better when she says it." "I think it's the accent or something." "I thought I'd find you all here together." "We're not all together." "Right." "Do you know something?" "I thought you were different than the others." "But you're not different." "You're exactly the same." "Lam looking out for my uncle, okay." "Lam looking out for his welfare." "Bullshit!" "Look, they were at least willing to wait until he died." "But not you, no." "You're gonna eat him raw." "Wait a minute." "Danny is not like that." "Try to remember something, okay?" "In the long run, nobody likes a tease." "Come on, honey." "You are a cheap, chiseling, low-life hustler." "CARL:" "You said it." "Well, it takes one to spot one." "(GASPS)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Oh, great, great!" "Now you stop it!" "After she gets in a shot!" "(SIGHS)" "I'll give you half a million dollars to leave." "Cash." "As soon as I get the money." "Half a million dollars." "That's more than you could make delivering pizza, even in a good year." "She gets half a million dollars, and we get a couple of lousy scholarships?" "That's not fair!" "That is really not fair." "No, I will give you half a million and you leave." "That makes me mad." "Ow!" "And I'll pay you when I get the money." "You'll give me half a million dollars?" "That's right." "Oh, really." "No, I'm getting it all!" "He sees right through you." "You're a walking fish tank, baby." "You're made of glass." "You and your tan tushy can..." "I'll sleep with him." "What?" "(STAMMERING) You're gonna..." "Yeah, that's right." "That's right." "As soon as he gets back from work today." "I'll give him a right good one." "You..." "See, it wouldn't..." "He wouldn't even be interested in that, you know." "It wouldn't even matter." "Oh, it will matter." "I'll make it matter." "(S I N G I N G) Inka dinka doo" "PATTI;" "Molly!" "Do you know that both of my daughters are named Molly?" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "You think she'll do it?" "Yes, I do." "I don't think you've given her any other choice." "I think she'll do it just to beat you." "Ah, Jesus." "You think it'll work?" "Danny, a young girl with a body like that?" "When she's through with him, there'll be nothing left of him but a smile and an old hat." "(GLASSES CRASHING)" "(GULPS)" "Welcome home, Joe." "Hello, Molly." "I'm tired." "I'm going upstairs." "Uncle Joe!" "CARL:" "Joe, wait!" "Are you retiring, sir?" "Will you need my assistance?" "No, Molly will, uh, assist me." "Oh, I see." "Very good, sir." "Let's go." "Sir?" "May I ask for a reference before you go upstairs?" "Not now, Douglas." "Good-bye, sir." "Uncle Joe, wait!" "Ow." "Uncle Joe, please wait." "I have a surprise for you." "Danny, don't." "Don't!" "Ow." "Up We go, Molly." "(GIGGLING) His face... (LAUGHING) Ooh, I've never been in one of these before." "(BOTH GIGGLING)" "JOE:" "Hang on, Molly!" "Molly, let me say something." "No." "Don't say anything." "MAN:" "A little young for you, isn't she, Joe?" "Who's there?" "Hi, Joe." "It's been a long time." "It's Daniel." "Daniel?" "Wha..." "What do..." "You got so old." "(LAUGHS) Well, you're no Monet yourself." "Hmm." "Molly, this is my cousin Daniel," "Danny's father." "Danny asked me to come." "He's got a real regard for you, Joe." "He made me think that maybe things are different than the way I remember them." "But they're not, are they?" "It's still the same." "God, this place still stinks from greed." "Those who have it and those who want it." "Dad!" "CARL:" "Uncle Daniel?" "Dad, you came." "That was great of you." "I'm leaving." "What?" "(LAUGHING) Oh, God, they're all still here." "First it was your parents, now it's you." "He'll outlive your children and leave them nothing." "Dad, you want to lighten up a second?" "You know who ruins this world, Danny?" "The greedy." "That's it." ""They have it, I want it." "I have it, I want more."" "That's the real pollution, Dan." "Greed." "You know who I think ruins the world?" "Pompous, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, middle-aged fanatics in ponytails who give away their kids' toys." "(SCOFFS)" "He's got you too, huh?" "No, he doesn't have me." "Can't the truth be somewhere in between?" "Can't it just..." "No!" "One way is all right, and one way is all wrong." "Pick." "His way or my way." "Pick." "Dad." "Pick!" "You know, you are just so..." "Pick!" "All right then, I pick him." "At least he doesn't take himself so goddamn seriously." "(FOOTSTEPS)" "I'm leaving." "Why?" "I can't believe what I almost did." "I was actually gonna screw the old boy for money." "I suppose maybe I've always been here for the money." "Oh, Christ, I make myself sick." "I have to get out of here." "I understand." "You'll take care of him, won't you?" "Of course." "You're not gonna put him in a home?" "Never" "Bye." "Hey." "You okay?" "Yeah." "God, that was some scene with your father." "I just..." "What?" "That wasn't my father." "What?" "That was an actor." "My father wouldn't come here on a bet." "So you just..." "It was my only shot, honey." "Remember that day out here by the pool?" "That's what he wanted." "He wanted me to pick him over my father." "Yes, and you said you never would." "I didn't." "I picked him over an actor." "Don't touch me." "What?" "What?" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Come on, come on." "Danny." "What's the matter?" "You are lost." "You dropped your compass in the woods and you're lost." "I'm not lost." "You don't see how sick this is?" "No!" "Who got hurt?" "The truth got hurt, okay?" "Integrity, self-respect, decent human behavior, that got hurt!" "Hey, I will be good to him." "You want to tell me who else will be as good to him?" "That's not the point." "No, that is the point!" "Danny, we've been through a lot together, and I've been pretty loyal." "Honey, you've been great." "But if you touch one cent of your uncle's money, we're through." "What are you, crazy?" "I mean it." "I mean it." "If you take any of that money, I will have no respect for you." "(SIGHS) Jesus!" "You sound like my father." "No, I sound like the actor who played your father." "Enjoy your money." "Daniel McTeague, Junior." "Here." "Your Great Uncle Joe has chosen, for reasons I assume he's explained, to transfer to you all his assets, including complete control of his commercial, personal and financial affairs." "My boy." "NW good boy." "At this time" "I would like to give you a complete picture of your great uncle's holdings." "The McTeague Scrap Metal Company comprising scrap yards, trucking..." "Excuse me." "Uh, Uncle Joe, there's something" "I'd like to explain to you." "Mm-hmm." "First of all, when I came to your birthday party that time," "I had no idea any of this was gonna happen." "I wasn't after your money." "I know that." "That's why I love you." "DANNY:" "Joe," "I have to tell you something." "What?" "I'm gonna take such good care of you." "You're a good boy." "Is that it?" "Yeah." "Well, that was lovely." "As I was saying, the McTeague Scrap Metal Company, comprising steel..." "Stop!" "Sign nothing!" "What the hell is this?" "Oh, my, my, my, my, my" "If deceit has a name, it's his name." "Daniel, is it true?" "Is everything these gerbils have been telling me true?" "Dad." ""Dad"?" "Yes, Dad." "Daniel McTeague, Senior." "His father." "His real father." "Not the actor he hired to come to your house last night." "Danny." "They told me that, Daniel." "Is it true?" "Yeah." "It's true. (SIGHS)" "DANIEL:" "You hired an actor to pretend he was me, and then pretended to get into a fight with him and told him you preferred Uncle Joe to me?" "Well, when you put it like that, it sounds kind of bad." "Danny, I know we've had our differences, and I know you think I'm strange." "No." "No, no, Dad." "Lam." "But I've always respected you, Daniel." "Always." "I always felt you had real character." "(FRANK CHUCKLES)" "Does money really mean this much to you?" "No." "I didn't go and see Uncle Joe for the money." "We made a deal with him." "If he kept the money in the family, he'd get a cut, right?" "Yes, but..." "Then he double-crossed us." "Because they're scum!" "I mean, they're greedy." "We're greedy?" "We were willing to share!" "Hmm." "Dad..." "I don't know what happened." "I just got, like, sucked in." "I mean, first one thing didn't seem wrong, and then another thing didn't seem wrong, until..." "Nothing seemed wrong." "I know." "That's why I left." "(SIGHS)" "How are you, Joe?" "I'm still eating grapes." "(CHUCKLES)" "Uncle Joe..." "Save it." "Okay, Joe." "Bare knuckles, toe-to-toe." "We've spent 20 years eating your shit and saying, "Mmm, delicious." "What a cook."" "No more." "We've hired attorneys." "If we don't get our fair share of everything, we'll move to have you declared incompetent." "And we'll win because we found out things." "You've got toys in the attic, Uncle Joe." "Broken toys." "And we'll hammer on you and hammer on you until you cave in." "Understand?" "Or is your mind already gone?" "All right!" "Sit down." "All of you." "Uncle Joe..." "Quiet." "Go ahead." "As I was about to say before the circus came to town, your uncle's holdings at their peak held a net, net mind you, financial value of just under $25 million." "At the moment, however, he is $95,000 in debt." "Wait a minute." "He's..." "In debt beyond the value of all his assets." "The room, is it doing this?" "I fear this has come as a shock to you." "No." "Shitting a sailboat, that's a shock." "This is a fucking catastrophe!" "Your uncle's trip to Washington was not for a military contract." "It was to work out an arrangement with the I.R.S." "to keep your uncle out of jail." "That has been accomplished, but everything is lost." "Everything, plus some arrangement will have to be made for the 95,000." "How the hell do you lose $25 million?" "It's easier than you think." "I overextended." "I made some loans." "There were some things I claimed the government wouldn't allow." "There were penalties..." "CARL:" "Hold it." "I don't believe this." "It's another one of his little tricks." "Another little test." "I will gladly put you in touch with the l.R.S." "They'll give you a complete accounting, as well as a lovely brochure for the auction." "Auction?" "They're taking my home." "Damn it!" "Stupid!" "Stupid!" "We played along!" "We played along!" "We should have stepped in five years ago!" "Two would have been enough." "You stupid, pathetic old man!" "Goddamn it, Frank!" "One more word out of you," "I'll kick your ass so high up you'll have to take off your shirt to shit!" "Come on." "Come on, bowling boy!" "(GRUNTING) Stop it!" "(GLASS SHATTERING) CARL:" "Frank, cut it out!" "(GROANING, YELLING)" "Stop!" "I've got a metal plate in my head." "You do?" "No!" "CARL:" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "No, no." "That's enough." "I want security in the large conference room." "That's enough." "Get over here." "You maniac!" "(SCREAMS)" "CARL:" "You're insane, you know that?" "I'm insane?" "For five years I begged you, "Let's put him in a home"!" "No, you didn't want to because you didn't have the balls!" "None of you have any balls!" "Frank?" "I've been waiting to do this a long time." "Ooh." "(FRANK GRUNTING)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Stop it." "Come on." "I want them out of here." "It's all right!" "We were..." "We were just leaving anyway." "What do we do now?" "Nothing!" "We wait around to dance at his funeral." "(SIGHS)" "You're still here." "How long have you known you were broke?" "About a year." "A year." "So this whole time, you were, uh, what, schmucking with me?" "Every second." "Danny, please, I had to find out." "I had to know who'd take care of me when they found out I had nothing." "BARTLETT:" "And care will be required." "Your uncle's physical condition is degenerative." "And whoever assumes control over his finances, will have to oversee the liquidation sale of his assets, assume responsibility for the outstanding balance, and, of course, there's our bill." "We will need you to sign these papers." "If you'd have just told me the truth." "I mean, I'm not saying I'm a perfect guy or anything, but if you'd just told me the truth, maybe I could have felt some compassion." "You know, some responsibility." "Just the truth!" "The truth is, I'm an old guy." "I'm broke." "I need help." "Not now!" "Then!" "Now's no good." "Now's too late." "I crawled." "Man, I begged." "I lost my girlfriend." "I hate that you did this." "Danny, I had to." "I had to find out who loved me." "Nobody." "Nobody loved you." "Why should they?" "What's there to love?" "What about you is there to love?" "All right, I want a camera in the stands on the kid's father when the kid's shooting the free throws." "If the kid misses now, the expression on the dad's face is another Emmy." "Come on." "Find the dad." "Mike, go back." "Hey!" "ROBIN:" "Stop!" "Listen, girlie, if you don't get back in that seat..." "Will you shut up a second?" "What happened?" "Uncle Joe was broke." "Come on." "Broke." "No, not just broke." "In debt." "Everybody pushing' and shown', and the whole time the trough was empty." "(SIGHS)" "When did I get so obsessed with money?" "When did that happen?" "I mean, you've known me for years." "I was never like that." "Was I?" "No." "What's gonna happen to him?" "Uncle Joe?" "Mm-hmm." "I assume my cousins will hang him." "(SNICKERS) No, really." "(LAUGHING) Really." "(LAUGHING)" "I don't know." "I don't care." "You don't?" "Honey, allow me to finally face up to what I did." "I wasn't there for him." "I was there for the money." "That time you told me about at the scrap yard, when he told you how scared he was to go into a home?" "You told me you felt sorry for him." "I did." "But don't you see?" "It was an act." "He was putting on an act." "I mean, anybody would have felt sorry for him." "Even your cousins?" "MOVING MAN:" "Make sure you get plenty of padding on that." "Put that in last." "(GRUNTING) There you go." "Douglas." "Douglas!" "Where's Uncle Joe?" "I couldn't say, sir." "I'm no longer in your uncle's employ." "What are you talking about?" "He can no longer pay my wages." "Wages?" "Don't you care what happens to him?" "(CHUCKLING) Very droll, sir." "Most amusing, sir." "All right." "Watch your back." "Comin' through." "Where is he, in a nursing home?" "Out of the question." "He can't afford that." "Hey, hey, hey!" "What's he gonna do?" "He can go dance the Hully Gully for all I care." "Good day, sir." "(ENGINE STARTS)" "(CAR PULLS AWAY)" "WOMAN: (OVER PA) Dr. Zane, please call Central Scheduling." "Where's your hat?" "Went in the auction." "A buck's a buck." "Your lawyer told me you were here." "What are you doing in the hospital?" "I didn't feel good, stupid." "Why else do you go to a hospital?" "Yeah, but a county ward?" "It's all I can afford." "Ironic, huh?" "I'm right back where my mother left me." "You call me stupid." "Work your way up from nothin', from the street, and you piss it all away." "Did you just come to cheer me up or what?" "All right, come on." "Where's all your crap?" "Huh?" "Your crap, your stuff, your clothes." "They didn't bring you in naked, did they?" "In my bag." "All right, come on, let's go." "Where?" "What?" "Suddenly you're particular?" "You're coming with me." "Robin and I are gettin' married." "We decided to adopt you." "Wha..." "You and Robin..." "Yeah, well, we wanted to start a family anyway, and we figured this way at least we know what we're gettin'." "Signed you up for Little League." "Don't embarrass me." "(SIGHS) My son." "Okeydoke." "Watch your fingers." "Hi, honey, I'm home!" "Look what the stork brought us." "Ah, hi, Uncle Joe." "Hello, Robin." "Danny bought me a hat." "Smart choice." "Well, this is my place, and I think we'll all be very comfortable here." "Would you like to see your room?" "Sure." "Great." "Here we go." "Uh, there's a bed coming and furniture." "And we can squeeze all this other stuff into our room." "What do you think?" "I don't like it." "Uh, Uncle Joe, Robin went to a lot of trouble here." "Sorry." "I don't like it." "Well, uh, we could trade rooms." "Come here." "Now, Danny and I will stay in there and you can have this room." "How 'bout that?" "I don't like it." "(SIGHS) ROBIN:" "Well, you know what?" "It's probably just temporary." "In a year or so Danny and I'll buy a house." "I won't like it." "(LAUGHING) He's great, isn't he?" "He's like that piece of corn that gets stuck in your teeth, and you keep sucking on it to get it out, but you can't." "I'd like to go back to my mansion." "I love my mansion." "Oh, God." "(SIGHS)" "Try to understand, okay?" "It's gone." "Everything is gone." "You don't have your house." "You don't have your money." "You don't have the scrap yard." "You don't even have your hat." "(JOE LAUGHING)" "Look out the window." "Go ahead." "You're not broke, are you, Uncle Joe?" "I'm richer than shit." "The meeting with your attorneys, them hauling the furniture out of your house, you sitting in that ward?" "A show, Danny." "You put on a show for me." "The lawyers and I put on a show for you." "I knew that guy at the house wasn't your father." "What, do you think I'm an idiot?" "And do you think I'm stupid enough to lose my money?" "Eh!" "But why?" "I mean, why would you make something like that up?" "Hey, I had to know who really loves me, huh?" "(LAUGHING)" "JOE:" "Yeah, I went and found Molly." "I like her." "She's a nice kid." "Well, shall we go?" "I want you two to live with me from now on." "Not just live with me." "Whatever I own, you own." "What's mine is yours." "Ready?" "Uncle Joe, I don't know what to say." "It's..." "No, no, wait, no!" "You can't do this to people." "I mean, you can't lie and fake and manipulate." "I won't accept that." "So you don't want to come and live with me?" "You didn't let me finish." "Just this once, I'm gonna let you off with a warning." "Thank you." "But you gotta promise us, Uncle Joe, no more deception, no more games, no more lies." "You promise?" "I promise." "Now, come on." "Let's go."