"Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan." "Community leader." "They all know me..." "You like my suit?" "Man, these all-night prayers really take it out of you, huh?" "I know, I'm completely cream-crackered." "Sshh!" "He's still praying." " Sorry." "d All night long d All night d All night long d All night!" "d" "Not tired, Mr Khan?" "No, Dave." "All night prayers is easy-peasy for us proper Muslims." "We can do it in our sleep." "Right." "The trick is to prepare properly." "Like, I've got dodgy knees, so I wear these." "What did you pray for?" "It's a difficult one." "You don't want to waste Allah's time with anything frivolous, so I prayed I could jump NHS queue for my knee operation." "I've been waiting bloody ages." "I prayed for world peace and an end to all hunger and suffering." "Obviously, I prayed for that too." "So did I, but I sometimes wonder if it does any good." " Praying works." "Definitely." "If you have the faith, it can achieve the most amazing things, like the other day, I prayed that I will come into lots of money without having to do any work, and now I have." "I'm not sure that's a very good example." "Right, come on, I'm starving." "Let's have some breakfast." "But the imam's called a fast for today." "Are you not doing it?" "No way!" "He's always calling a fast." "We don't need to starve ourselves all the bloody time." "We're Muslims, not supermodels." "Good point." "I'm not doing it either." "Well, I'm doing it." "What a creep." "You won't find me fasting willy-nilly." "You only have to do Ramadan and I've done that." "Bish-bosh." "Let's have some nosh." "D Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken d Lay a little egg for me. d" "Salaam aleikum." " Waleikum assalam." "Imam, I was just telling the others about the fast and how I'm going to be doing it." "It would be great honour for me to join you on your fast." "Well done." "Well done." "Looks like Dave is flavour of the month." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "I said, I'll be doing it too." "Mr Khan, Imam." "Community leader." "They all know me." "I thought you said you weren't doing it." " No, I didn't." "Oh, yes, you did." "You said that we weren't supermodels." "No." " And then you said, "You won't catch me" ""fasting willy-nilly."" "Shush!" "I'm the best faster in this whole mosque." "Everyone knows that." "Khuda hafiz." " Khuda hafiz." "Khuda hafiz." " Khuda hafiz." "I know your game, Dave." "Trying to make me look bad in front of the imam." "Really Mr Khan, I don't know what you're talking about." "Well, it's not going to work." "I'm going to fast you under the table." "You can't do the fast." "You haven't prepared." " No, he's right," "Mr Khan, you have to eat the night before you fast, otherwise it could be dangerous." "Rubbish!" "I don't need to prepare." "Us Pakistanis are bred for this, not like you lot." "I'll bet you don't even have the fasting app." "The what?" "The Ramadan phone app, huh?" "You have all this month's prayer times on it." "Now, we fast till sunset. 6.28." "When the alarm goes off, we can eat." "DFood, glorious food dHot sausage and mustard... d" "Ek... do... teen... 99... 100!" "What are you doing, Papaji?" "It's for my knee." "Pakistani Pilates." "What's that?" "It's like normal Pilates, but you don't have to spend any money on equipment." "Are they Mum's tights?" " Hmm?" "Does she know?" " Of course she knows." "But for God's sake, don't tell her." "Ooh!" "Feeling a bit light-headed." "Are you OK?" " I'm fine." "I'm fasting." "Doing a special one for the imam." " Wow!" "You're so amazing at religion and that." "Yes, your father's not just a pretty beard." "Look me up and down, I'm the best Muslim in town!" "Well, I just wanted to let you know we're going out tonight." "Who's we?" " Me and my French exchange student." "What?" " You know, the college has got French exchange students over." "They've given me one to look after for the day." "She's from, like, Paris or something." "Excellent." "It's a very good way to learn about another country." "Somewhere completely different from our own culture." "What's her name?" "Nabila." "C'est mon pere." "She doesn't speak much English." "It's OK, beti." "I know a little bit of French." "Salaam Aleikum." "Waleikum assalam." "Going somewhere nice?" "Une discotheque." "Huh?" " It's French for prayer meeting." "Hah!" "You two got a lot in common." "Can we have some money for books and that?" "Of course." "There you go." "Thanks!" "Ohh!" "Merci beaucoup, monsieur." "You're... wel... come." "What's he doing here?" "Salman, I like him, Mr Khan." "I just came round to ask about the washing machine and the old bathtub out the front there." "What about it?" "Well, it does make the street look a bit untidy." "Keith, I'll get it all cleared up when I can afford a skip." "I'm not made of money." "I know." "It's... it's just that you have left them in m-my front garden." "Because I got Mercedes in mine!" "I'd like to apologise for my husband." "He's fasting." "Oh, Keith, would you like to stay for lunch?" "I've cooked a big pot of chicken." " No!" "Put it away!" "I can't see the food!" "I can't even smell it!" "It's like torture!" "OK, I'll put some in the fridge for you to have later." "It's always like this." "He gets low blood sugar and dehydration." "All right, all right." "Plus, I think his bladder shrinks when he's fasting... because as soon as he's had a drink, it's straight back out again." "Sweetie!" " During Ramadan, he's up and down to the toilet all night long." "Not in front of the peoples." "Keith's our friend." "He's not my friend." "So, no food or drink, is that it?" "No." "No?" " Also no tang tang." "Every cloud has a silver lining." "I got it!" "I got the job!" "I got the job!" "I got the job!" " She got the job!" "You got the job!" "She got the job!" "What job?" "I applied for a job with Amjad's company and I got it!" "Can you believe it?" "Well, they employ him!" "Well done, beti." "I'm so proud of you." "Me too." "It's not exactly what I want to do, but it's a lot more money." "And now that we're with the same company we get to spend more time together." "Yeah... except my job's going to be in India." "What?" "!" "They want me to help set up their new office out there." "But, Shazia, won't India be a long commute?" "I'd have to live out there, bu-bu, but it wouldn't be for that long." "How long would it be for?" "A year." "A year?" "!" "You can't go to India, Shazia." "Why not?" "It's a toilet!" "Dad!" "It's one of the world's fastest-growing and most dynamic economies." "Well, I must have missed that meeting." "And they pay all my living expenses, so I'd be able to save up enough money to put a deposit down on a flat." "That's our dream, isn't it?" "To have our own place." "I suppose." "When do they want you to start?" "Straightaway." "What do you think?" "Should I do it?" "If you want to." "Well, what about you?" "Will you be OK if I go?" "Oh, yeah." "Won't you miss me?" "I'll be fine." "Right." "Well, I said I'd..." "let them know by tomorrow morning." "This is terrible!" "I know!" "I'm bloody starving." "She's going to be in India for a year." "What will happen to Amjad?" "He said he'll be fine!" "Of course he won't be fine!" "Didn't you see his face?" "I try not to look at it." "Mrs Aktar's son went to Dubai for six months and he and his fiancée broke up." "Mark my words - if she goes, their relationship won't survive." "Oh, well." "If only Amjad was more business minded, he'd be earning more money." "Yes, and if my auntie had dingly dangly, she'd be my uncle." "Could we help them out with a deposit for the flat?" "How?" "I don't know!" "Sell something." "Like what?" "The car!" "Never, ever say that, not even as a joke." "But we can't let money come between them." "Don't you remember when we were first married, and you had to come over here on your own and I had to wait in Pakistan till you could afford to bring me over?" "Yes." "And you were here all alone for all that time." "Wasn't it awful?" "Awful!" "Really, really awful!" "We've got to do something." "Can't you get a loan from the building society?" "No, I'll get an Islamic loan from the mosque." "Interest free, isn't it?" "Fine, whatever, just do it." "Why can't the Maliks give them the money?" "The Maliks won't care if they break up." "They've never liked us." "Ah, sweetie." "That's not true." "It's you they don't like." "That's right." "Sparkhill Jamiya Mosque, and may Allah bestow his blessings and mercy upon you." "Oh, and can we get a bucket of chicken wings as well?" "Alaiqum, boys." " Alaiqum salaam." "Where's Dave?" "I need to get a loan to stop daughter going to India." "India?" " Exactly." "I told her," ""What's wrong with Leicester?"" "Same bloody thing, just more temples." "How's the fasting going?" "It's fine." "I'm fine." "It's all fine." " Salaam aleikum." "Waleikum assalam." " Waleikum assalam." "Hello, Dave." "How's the fasting going?" " Good." "And you?" " Yes, fine, thanks." "You wanted to see me?" "Yes, you're in charge of the mosque hardship fund, right?" " That's right." "Well, I need to get a loan." "I see." "What's it for?" "I can't say." "It's a family matter." "In Pakistani culture, family honour is sacred." "Not to be shared with any ginger Toms, Dicks or Harrys." "Well, I can't authorise a loan without knowing what it's for." "His daughter's going to India so he needs the money to stop her from going." "He was going to drag it out of me in the end." "Yes, well, I'm afraid that doesn't sound like the sort of thing that will qualify." "What?" "Why not?" "It's a hardship fund, Mr Khan." "A lot of people see going to India as a great opportunity." "It's a very youthful and exciting place these days." "Alton Towers is a very youthful and exciting place, Dave." "India is a dump." "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." "So where am I supposed to find the money?" "I've got an idea." "You know I came into a bit of a windfall recently..." "Of course!" "Brilliant, Riaz." "That's it." "Maybe, if you prayed really hard like I did..." "Right, that's not it, but you don't mind giving me a loan anyway, huh?" "Interest free, of course?" "Wouldn't want you to do anything un-Islamic?" "OK." "Great!" "You see, Dave?" "This is how real Muslims look out for each other." "Now, exactly how much are we talking about?" "I don't really know." " Oh, you must have some idea." "The man said it could be up to several thousand pounds." "What man?" " The man on the phone." "Where precisely is this money coming from?" "I've been mis-sold PPI protection insurance." "The man said they're going to get me all my money back in compensation as well." " I see." "And have you ever taken out any PPI policies?" " No." "So how the hell are you meant to get anything back?" "Oh, yeah." "So there is no money." "Of course there's no money." " Ah, well." "And stop eating those bloody crisps!" "I thought you said you weren't hungry?" "Of course I'm hungry." "I'm bloody starving." "Yoo-hoo!" "Anybody want to try my jalebi." "No, thank you, Mrs Bilal." "Go on, Mr Khan, I know you can't resist my jalebis." "Not today, Mrs Bilal." "Go on, you know you want to." "I do." "I do want yourjalebis, Mrs Bilal... more than anything, but I can't have it." "OK." "I'll come back later." "Right, get this loan, in a minute I can eat something - tickety-boo." "I'm going to open my fast." "I've got my date." "D Hmm-hmm-hmm!" "d" "There!" "Very good." "Oh-oh-oh!" "Oh, twaddi!" "Ohhh!" "dFood, glorious food... d" "Ah." "Heh-heh." "Aah!" "Ah." "Mr Khan?" "Steve." "Steven Harrington." "I'm the branch manager here." "I'm so sorry to have kept you." "It's OK." "Got to keep hydrated." "So, shall we go into my office?" "Mm." "Oh, I'm supposed to drink two litres a day of this stuff, but you know, it's a lot, isn't it?" "I guess..." "it just goes straight through me, if you... know what I mean." "So, I understand you wish to talk about a loan application." "That's right." "I'll just find the form." "There's forms for everything these days." "Especially in this business." "Drowning in paperwork." "Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip." "It's like Chinese water torture." "And when you get to my level, the floodgates open." "Pouring in, it's like turning on a tap." " Oh!" "And out... they... gush!" "Oof!" "Pressure builds up and you find yourself fighting to hold it back before it all bursts." "I just don't know where this form is." "Ah, Claire will know." "I'll give her a tinkle." "Oh!" "Oh, no, no, no." "I've got it." "Here it is." "Here it is." "Ah, now I just need to make a few photocopies of this, so is it OK if I leave you alone for a few seconds?" "Yes, OK." " OK, I won't be long." "Two shakes of a lamb's tail." " Oh, God..." "Oh, what do I do-o-o-o-o?" "Oh, God!" "Oh!" "Oof!" "Ah." "Ah!" "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh-uh-oh-oh!" "Oh-uh-uh-oh!" "Oh..." "Ah!" "There we go." "Ah." "So, are you OK?" "I am now." "Great." "So, if we can get on." "Only I'm going out for dinner later." " You're going out for dinner?" "Yes." " Where are you going?" "Afzals on Stratford Road." "Good choice." "Yes, it's very nice." " I know." "Only I don't want to be late, so if we could..." "Why don't we go there now?" " What?" "Well, let's have the meeting there." " I'm not sure that's a good idea." "Come on, it'll be fine!" "We'll order some shaami kebabs." "Some chicken tikka." "Tandoori platter." "Maybe some spicy prawn puri." "I..." "I don't think so." "It's OK." "If you don't like it, I'll have it." "The thing is, I'm..." "I'm meeting my wife." "It's our anniversary." "I don't mind." "But she will." "Will she?" "She doesn't sound very nice." "What?" "Not very friendly." "Why don't you tell her to stay at home, then we can order whatever we want and have our meeting in peace?" "So, you wish to take out a loan." "That's right." "May I ask why you require the money?" "To stop daughter going to India." "I'm sorry?" "Daughter's got a job offer from India." "She's going to get paid lots more money." "We don't want her to go." "Why not?" " India's a terrible country." "Dirty, smelly." "Not like Pakistan." "And do you know the worst thing about India?" "The Indians!" "Is that right?" "Horrible peoples." "Short, fat, ugly, no manners and they've got poo breath." "My wife is Indian." "We're looking to borrow L10,000." "I see." "What do you think?" "Now, as some of you know, I'm quite good at creating spreadsheets." "He won an award." "Mum!" "So I thought it might be helpful if we looked at Shazia's decision in terms of choosing a mobile phone tariff - i.e. Finding the product that best suits your own personal needs for yourself." "Can't we just talk about it?" "He's done a chart, Shazia." "Carry on, bita." "You're doing very well." "So, I thought we could do a going-to-India tariff and a... not-going-to-India tariff." "And the one with the most ticks would be the one that best suits your own personal needs for yourself." "Brilliant." "Go on, then." "Right, well, I've entered all the variables, so if I just click here, then..." "Oh." "What?" "It says that you should go." "What?" "Do it again, Amjad." "The computer can't lie." "I might have missed something out." "Can I say something?" "Shoot." "What do you think?" "Well..." "I made a spreadsheet." "Forget the spreadsheet." "He's only trying to help." "I just want to make sure you make the right decision." "What if you didn't have to save?" "What if you already had enough to put down a deposit on the flat?" "That would make a difference, wouldn't it?" "I suppose." "Well, then, your father is going to solve all our problems!" "Well, that would be a first." "Bowl of chicken curry in the fridge." "Mrs Khan, I love you!" "Gimme chicken, gimme, gimme chicken!" "Aah!" "Where is it?" "Hi, Papaji." "Where is my bloody chicken?" "We ate it." "C'était délicieux." "Aah!" "Ow!" "Papa, please have something to eat, you've been fasting all day." "There you are!" "We've been waiting for you." "Come." "Come and tell them your good news." "Tell them." "Here he is!" "Say something!" "Huh?" "Salaam aleikum." "What are you doing?" "I feel funny." "Have you had anything to eat?" " No." "But then, eat something!" "I've been trying to!" "My husband is fasting." "Have a biscuit." "Sorry, that was the last one." "Why?" "!" "Just tell them about the money." " What?" "The money from the building society." "Oh, yes." "Of course." "The money." "I didn't get it." "What?" "They wouldn't give it to me." " Why not?" "Because I wee'd in the fish tank." "Oh, my God!" "And I said his wife had poo breath!" "I couldn't help myself." "It's all India's fault!" "You stupid, stupid man!" "That's it, then." "I'm going to India." "Right." "I'll go and let them know." "I think perhaps I'd better go too." "No, wait!" "I can't let you do this." "It's OK, Mum." "Really." "I always think there's nothing so unattractive as an overprotective mum." "Careful with that, Amjad." "It's hot." "Ohh!" "Amjad." "I'm very weak with hunger, and it might have affected the balance of my mind, but I don't think you should let Shazia go to India." "But Shazia said it made sense for her to go." "Amjad." "As you go through life, you will learn something about womens." "Like what?" "Sometimes you have to show that you are willing to fight for them." "When I first met Mrs Khan... she had many admirers and had I not told her how I felt about her, she would not have known how much I liked her." "And in the end, she might have gone off with one of the other admirers." "Then where would we be?" "Amjad... what I'm saying to you is this." "That you cannot wait for a woman to guess how you feel about her." "In the end, you just have to tell her." "I've got to e-mail them some details tonight." "Wait." "What is it?" "I've thought of another tick." "Go on, then." "I don't want you to go." "What?" "Look." "I know that this is a great opportunity and we need the money, and like, a million other things, but..." "I love you and I can't bear to be without you." "Oh, budhoo." "Oh, ladoo..." "I am so sorry." "Why didn't you just say that before?" "I didn't want to get in your way." "But that's all I needed to hear." "Well done!" "Hmm." "Aah!" "My knee!" "I think it's broken!" "Ripped By mstoll"