"I can't believe you got this!" "I've been on the waiting list for months!" "Yeah, well, I'm connected." "Come on, your cousin Larry's a night manager at the Primus Toys R Us." "You're not exactly mobbed up." " Here, give me this." " No, no!" "Sorry!" "You're mobbed up!" " Come on." " How about we start with this?" "Video Golf?" "Super, I was wondering what it would be like to 70 and live in South Florida." "Come on!" "Put in a game where you blow things up and you drive your car on hookers, let's go!" "Okay, yeah, but then, golf." "Hey, guys." "What are you doing?" "Maiden voyage with my new video game system." "Well, I hope you finished your homework first." "These games are not just for kids and losers anymore, honey." "Dirty whore." "What?" "No, he's talking to the game." "You were talking to the game, right?" " No!" "She's not a whore!" " Give me this!" "Gimme, gimme!" "... ditches out to Marbury, Marbury shoots a three!" "No good!" "Game over!" "Knicks lose!" "Come on!" "Francis crawls inside, ditches out to Marbury, Marbury shoots a three!" "No good!" "Game over!" "Knicks lose!" "Come on!" "Hey, Jeff." "Back here." "Great news, I got it!" "Good, I'm starving, did you get the spicy dipping sauce?" "No, when I said "I got it," I meant "I got the promotion!"" "That's good too." "Way to go, kudos." "You've got a little excitement, uh?" "Maybe something on a par with your enthusiasm for the dipping sauce." "That's gone now, because there is no dipping sauce." "Nor hot wings to dip in." "Jeff, this is good for both of us!" "More money, an extra week of vacation!" " Tickets to the Met." " The Mets?" "Where are the seats?" "The Met, the Metropolitan Opera." "One little S is the difference between "best news ever"" "and "who cares?"." "All right." "Good work on the promotion." "Where are you going?" "Well, you came in here talking about wings, you got me all hungry, so I'm gonna go and get some." "Maybe some Mets tickets." "Possibly a Kudos bar." "It's a nice day, are you boys sure you don't wanna play outside?" "No way!" "Man, it's the best 500 bucks I've ever spent." "By the way, next time we see my cousin Larry, you have to show him your bra." "$500, isn't that a lot to spend on a toy?" "It" " This is not a toy!" "It's a state of the art gaming console." "Plus, I really, really wanted it." "Well, I really wanted those Prada boots I saw at Barney's." "You only said "really" once." "My point is, I didn't buy them because I would have felt guilty spending so much money on something that was just for me." "You know, now that we're us." "Honey, this is totally an "us" thing." " Give me your control." " No, no!" "No, please!" "What are you doing?" "We should just talk to each other before we make big purchases," " especially on something so frivolous." " What?" "Fri" "Frivolous?" "Frivolous?" "This is a necessity, like air and oxygen." "Plus, it's hours of fun for the whole family." "I just run over three more whores." "That one was a male lady." "Hello!" "Back for the social security checks, I'll take that." "Looks like Granny's eaten dog food again..." "What's the champagne for?" "Did you get it?" " I got it!" " Congratulations!" " It's great!" " Thank you." "You're now looking at the new senior deputy editor of Indoor Living Magazine." "Well, let's open the champagne!" "Hey, guys!" "Audrey just got a big promotion at work!" " That's great!" " Congratulations!" " Get out of the TV!" " We're in the middle of a game!" " Jeez." " They just got their game," " they're really into it." " Wait until Jeff see it." "Back in the 90s he had a pretty serious case of Packman fever." "He must have been really excited about your promotion." "He wasn't." "A few days ago, he lost this big account at work, so I thought he'd be thrilled at me bringing in extra money." "Well, Jeff's a pretty macho guy, maybe he feels threatened by your success." "Yeah, I guess it was just bad timing." "I shouldn't have bragged about it just after he had a set back." "You forget men can be very sensitive sometimes." " Die, whore, die!" " Yeah, you got it!" "Anyway, I've been through this before," "I have an idea of something special I can do for Jeff to fix it." "Well, if you have to do that, you should probably have more of this." "Oh, God!" "No, not that." "That's only when I've done something really wrong." "Or if my sister is coming to stay with us." "Come on!" "She got my wallet again." "Hey, Audrey." "Hey!" "There is my guy." "Look at you." "Sit down and relax." "Dinner's almost ready." " What did you order?" " I didn't order anything, I cooked." "You either bought something really expensive or you sister's coming to stay with us." "And if she is..." "My sister's not coming." "It's just you're my man and I wanna make sure you're taken care of." "And that brings us back to..." "I'm just doing this because I realized the other day I was inconsiderate," "I came in flaunting my promotion when you'd had such a bad week at work." "Bad week?" " You lost that account." " That's quite a losing." "What?" "Our client was a pain, always wanted status reports on his investments." "Here's the status." "You're annoying." "So... my promotion didn't bother you?" "Not at all!" "I'm thrilled you got a promotion, you deserve it, you're a smart cookie and a stone fox." "Thank you." "Why weren't you this happy when I told you Tuesday night?" "Tuesday night?" "The Knicks lost a game at the buzzer." "You're in a good mood now." "Last night, they won." "You know, Jeff, after 12 years," "I expect at parties you're gonna disappear to check the score, or if we're at a restaurant with the game on," "I'm not gonna get so much eye contact." "But this, this a whole new level." "My promotion was less important to you than the Knicks losing." " That's not true." " Yes, it is!" "You're more emotionally invested in your teams than you are in me." "I haven't been rooting for you since I was 5." "I am your wife!" "Our life should not be dictated by the success or failures of strangers." "Strangers?" "Did I not meet Patrick Ewing twice?" "Fine!" "Why don't you invite over for dinner?" "Maybe he'll take care of you..." "Okay!" "You know what?" "You're right, I'm sorry." "I want to make it up to you." "How?" "The moment's gone." "How about I take you out tomorrow night for the celebration you deserve?" "Well, that would be a start." "What do you have in mind?" "Knicks game." "There's no way you're that dumb." "No, I got tickets from work, floor seats, you're gonna get the VIP treatment, sit right down on the floor with all the celebrities, Spike Lee, Woody Allen, Matthew Modine." "All right, great." "This doesn't totally get you off the hook though," "I'm gonna want an other night out." "Including a Broadway show." " You don't mean it." " Oh, yes." "Possibly the kind where people start singing for no godly reason." "Who does that?" "I'd like to drink this brew!" "First one, then maybe two." "See?" "Stupid." "I'll have the turkey sandwich." "Thanks." "Shouldn't you call Jennifer and ask if it's okay that you spend those $5?" "She's right, man." "We're engaged now." "We have to be a team." "Dude, I'm not wearing a wire, all right?" "Jennifer's not here, you can speak freely." "She said she wouldn't spend a lot of money without talking to me first, you heard her." "Yeah, I heard her words." "But let's examine her actions." "How much does she spend on herself each month?" " I don't know." " I do." "Makeup, 50." "Waxing, 40." "Hair care products, 60." "Haircut, 90." "Mani-pedi, 80." "So she's spending like..." "Over $300 a month, without talking to you." "You wanna know how much she spends on skin care?" " Yeah, I do." " No, you don't." "How do you know all this?" "I study the female animal." "Know your prey." " Hey, guys." " Hey, Dunston, checking in?" "You're not going to the Knicks game with me." "Thanks for making that easy." "Hey, aren't you due back in Paris Hilton's handbag?" "Why aren't you taking me with you?" "Audrey and I got in a fight, I'm taking her to make up." "Come on!" "Audrey takes my Knicks ticket." "Jennifer's grabbing my vid game time." "One of you has to dump your chick." "What was the fight about?" "Audrey told me about her promotion right after the Knicks lost a close one," "I was less than jubilant, she thinks I care more about the Knicks than her." "Right, she's just figuring that out now?" "No, I'll patch things up with Audrey and it'll get me courtside." "It's win-win." "Is taking your wife to a game really win-win?" ""Can I have the binoculars?" "Give me some popcorn." ""Give me the binoculars back." "Look, there's ice cream!" ""Hold on the binoculars." ""Look, is that a snow cone?" "Will you grab me one?" ""Give me the binoculars back." "I feel sick," ""How much longer is this-- Why did you let me eat all that?"" "You don't want the putter, you want the driver, that's your power club." "Now, line it up, you pull it back." "Slowly..." "And then wail on that dude's head with it." " Yeah!" "Don't be shy!" " I got it, I got his Camaro!" "All right, guys." "I'm going get my hair done." "You know, you were right." "We should talk to each other before either of us spends a lot of money." "I'm glad you agree." "I'll see you later." "Hang on." "Shouldn't we talk about where you're having your hair done?" "You're serious?" "Well, yeah." "It's a big expenditure." "I'm... going to Philippe's, where I always go." "And you get..." "What, a two-color process?" "Maybe a little conditioning toner at the end." "And that plus tip is how much?" "You can't put a price on good hair color." "I bet Philippe can." "Price close to 200 bucks." "Where are you getting this?" "I refuse to reveal my source." "Remind me not to tell you a bunch of secrets." "You should go." "I can't, we're in the middle of a mega game, here." "No, you should go." "You try to help people!" "Why would you listen to Russell's advice?" "His longest relationship was three lap dances in a row." "You're pretty hypocritical spending all that money on your hair." "I can't color it myself, I've been going to Philippe for years!" "I've been playing video games long before I met you." "Which is probably why it took you so long to meet me." "Look." "This isn't just about my hair or your game, it's about us spending ourselves without talking to each other." "You're right, I guess we need money for our wedding, our honeymoon, and a flat screen TV." "Exactly!" "How about this?" "To begin our new plan of fiscal responsibility," "I will color my own hair." "And I will sell my video game system to Russell for an outrageous profit." "It's fun working together!" "All right!" "I will go to the drugstore and get my hair color kit." "All right, honey, I'm gonna box up the game." "Way to get rid of her, dude." "Let's play!" "This is gonna be great, Audrey." "I only get these floor seats once a year." "It's a different game up close." "We might even get sweat on us." "If we're lucky." "All right, get going, beat the crowd, get those seats!" "Take in the atmosphere." "Floor seats, hello!" "What's going on here?" "You're having a yard sale?" "I'm having wardrobe problems." "Oh, no, please." "Please, not tonight." "Not with the floor seats." "I've tried everything on, nothing looks good." "This looks good, I told you that when you modeled for me yesterday!" "Yesterday, it fit." "Today, I'm all bloody and the seams are practically bursting open." "Since yesterday?" "Are you calling me a liar?" "You're mad I don't agree, you're fat." "There's a new twist on a old game." "Look, I have two more possibilities." "I'm gonna try both on, you tell me which one looks better." "Tell you right now, first one." "Jeff, you could at least pretend to care." "I was pretending." "Go without me." "I'm not falling for that one, it's like when you said I didn't have to do anything special for our anniversary." "You didn't have to, I thought maybe you would want to." "You should know subtle word plays are lost on me." "Tonight is being torpedoed because you think you're fat." "I don't think I'm fat, I feel fat." "More word play." "Tonight was supposed to be fun for both of us but now you're in a bad mood because of your clothes." "Your body and clothing issues are just like my sports." " What?" " Yep." "When you think that you look good and your clothes all fit, life is good, but if not, it's foxhole time." "That is crazy." "Is it?" "Is it crazy?" "If it's crazy, wear what you got, let's go." " Fine, let's go." " Great." "This is gonna be great." "With these seats, we're practically in the game." "You're gonna come away with a whole new appreciation..." "Audrey?" "You're totally right, I can't do it." "I'm pathetic." "We're pathetic." "But I don't want to ruin your night." "Why don't you go to the game?" "Not without you." "I've got an idea about something you could wear." "It'll take care of all of your problems." "Coming out!" "Let me just finish my game." "Okay, I'm done." "Look at you!" "Yeah, I did it!" "Take that, expensive salon!" "How's solitaire?" "Just as good as my game system." "You know, I feel better having sacrificed for us" " and our financial future." " Me too." "So, we make a great team." "We don't need to spend a lot of money to make us happy." " What is this?" "It's all over my hands!" " It wasn't supposed to happen!" "It's burning my eye, honey!" "It's burning my eye!" "Get it out!" "Get it out!" "What happened in there?" "Everything's stained with brown dye." "It's not brown, it's twilight sequoia." "Whatever, it's all over the sink and the towels and the walls, it's like you executed a family of chocolate bunnies in there." "I must have forgotten to rinse, but it was confusing," "I couldn't figure out how to use the applicator, the mix splattered and the gloves wouldn't fit." "You may want to buy a new toothbrush." "Let me tell you something." "Solitaire sucks, man." "I mean, I keep cheating and cheating and I still don't win!" "I wanna go back to Philippe." "Well, I think we both want that." "You can get your video game back from Russell." "I doubt he'll sell it back to me." "I mean, he might have showed cousin Larry some side-boob." "Okay, I'm gonna go shower." "Hold on." "If I'm going back to Philippe, and you're getting your game back, we're not sacrificing anything for our financial future." "We sacrificed plenty, the towels, the shower curtain, possibly the vision in my eye." "Seriously, I thought we were gonna work together like a grown-up couple." "We still can." "There's other sacrifices we can make." "Like what?" "Well, like walking more, taking fewer cabs." "We could go to the museums and the park instead of movies and concerts." "It's not gonna be easy, but we're in it together." "Give me a kiss." "Careful, caustic chemicals." "You know what else I just thought of that's fun and it's free?" "That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." "Are you willing to make it right now?" "I need like a half an hour, I just sacrificed a few minutes ago." "Solitaire was really boring." "Tonight was fun." "It was." "Next time, don't let me eat so much, I feel sick." "Of course you do." "Sorry I didn't get excited about your promotion," "I really am excited, and I promise I'll be thrilled for the next one." "It's game highlights, maybe we'll see us." "No, you almost never" "Who is that handsome devil?" "Don't pause it!" "You said I looked cute in that outfit." "It's just paused funny." "I look terrible!" "No, you don't." "Spike Lee was wearing the same thing, and he's adorable." "This shirt is way too big, it looks like I'm being fumigated for termites." "That's a good one." "Because it's not true." "Come on, Russell, you've been playing with that game all night." "Fine!" "I'll put my clothes back on." "You'd rather play with that game than me." "Take it." "I don't want that anymore."