"HOWTO DROWN DR. MRACEK, THE LAWYER" "or THE LAST OF THE WATER-SPRITES IN BOHEMIA" "Story Screenplay" "Featuring" "Assistant Director Cameraman" "Continuity" "Assistant to Head of Production Assistant Set Designer" "Costume Designer" "Wardrobe" "Make-up Set-up" "Music by Conducted by" "Singer Lyrics" "Film Editor Sound Editor" "Set Designer Credit Cartoons by" "Animation" "Head of Production" "Director of Photography and Trick Sequences" "Directed by" "Produced at Script editor" "Main script editor" "English sub-titles by Doris Kozískova" "Will you be back?" " I don't know..." " Say you'll be back from Hamburg for my birthday!" " Don't be so foolish, Poly!" "I've got a wife and children!" " So what, we're immortal anyway." " God..." "Mind out!" "There!" " They were only humans!" " We could have drowned them ourselves, that's our mission in life." " Come on!" "What's he doing there so long?" " Fixing the rope." "They were foreign scientists, I hear..." " Yes, dreadful." "Take this before it slips in the water." " Louis!" "Pull him out, quick!" "Some air, quickly!" "For God's sake..." "Louis!" "He's agonner..." "Louis, is this possible?" "What's up?" " You forgot your..." " Yeah..." "in all that hurry..." " You gave us a shock." " The key..." "Thirty-one minutes under water, a dedicated performance" "A fantastic performance." "His name is Waters?" " Yes, Louis Waters." " Anything I could do for him?" " indeed, yes!" "He needs a decent house." "His is so damp he can grow water-lilies in his bed!" "What's your rush?" "I'm getting a stitch!" " They might be gone!" " lmpossible, I crammed them under the hood." " Oh God, Rosie." "Good evening!" " Good evening!" "You're in a hurry...?" " We're smuggling tomatoes over the river..." " You know her..." "And you?" " Night duty." "Come and see me some time, Charlie!" " Yeah some time..." "Good night, Rosie." " ' Bye, Charlie." "She's not looking now, follow me, quick!" " Louis-quickly!" "She's nuts about you, uncle." "Why aren't you nice to her?" " Oh, come on..." " Hurry up..." "I'm thirsty as hell..." " I bet it's cold down there." " You should have worn a sweater." "I'm wearing tights!" "Seven... eight..." "Matylda!" "Come here Matylda!" "There's one missing!" " I bet the Waters snitched them again!" "Your brothers are thieves!" " I'll show them!" " Nothing but trouble." "My daughter comes home in the small hours, one of my pots missing..." "Wrap it up, lazybones!" "Hmm..." "Now she'll be on the shelf for good!" " Why?" " Bret was the last young male water-sprite in Bohemia." "If he hadn't eaten some blood pate by mistake they could have married." " Who'd marry such an idiot and live out in the provinces, anyway..." " Your father started in a little river too, and now the whole Vltava is his!" " Because he married money!" "I can do that too!" " Whom would you marry?" " A foreigner." " Just a minute!" "As head of the water-sprites in Bohemia I'm responsible for their not dying out!" "Come in!" "Loafing around again?" " Who's to do the cooking?" " Good evening." " Excellency, a bus fell into the water and we have thirty-two souls for you..." " But you stole one of your pots!" " Gang of thieves..." " Really, Sis..." " Don't call me Sis!" "I won't have it!" "I am Madame to you!" "Wipe it up." " Me?" " She." " What which?" " Which a rag!" " Lord, put your master down!" " Come here, boy, give it to me!" " Let go, Lord!" " Hurry up!" " Sorry, daddy." "Let go, Lord!" " But that's only an old brush, Janie!" " That's what you think, but it could be my dad or uncle..." " What?" " Nothing..." "Home, Lord!" "As a reward for exceptional courage diver Waters and his family get a first-class a new house." " What?" " Number 134" " That's our house." " His house is damp and unhygienic, is proclaimed inhabitable by Dr Mracek and..." " God, they want to pull it down!" " His Excellency will kill me!" " That old bastard..." " Is that the way to talk?" " So what, we bring him thirty-two souls, we do all the hard work... and he turns you into a rag!" "We're his subjects, so..." "What's wrong?" " The seat of the water-sprites..." " Tell me!" " They want to move us out, my girl!" "A house with central heating..." "high and dry!" " Upstairs, all three of you." " Do I tell him?" " What else?" " Well, do we have to?" " Let's wait till tomorrow." " Why?" "It's not our fault!" "If it were dad, he'd be better off." "We can't allow it!" "Even if you have to drown this lawyer fellow!" "Surely we've got a lawyer too..." "See to it before I come back." " Will you be back for my birthday?" " With a present." "' Bye, be a good girl." "If you lose the house I'll turn you into trout and bake you with lemon butter." "No need for that long face there's still time before I squeeze my lemon over you" " Yes, your Excellency." "Bon voyage." "Send the baggage after me!" " Of course." "Doctor Jahoda?" "Yes?" "We need some legal advice." "If it works out, you're free." " At your service..." "Shall I take it down in shorthand?" " No thanks, I can manage." "Please continue." "Now we'll be needing you." " I said we like it damp." "You see, water..." " We have a positive relationship to water." " Yes." " Very positive." " So do I!" "Every morning at five I'm on the river in my boat." "But this is a matter of health;" "There's no way out." "But there is section 71..." " But there is section 71!" " That's true..." "Are you a lawyer?" " Not really." " Section 71 does offer a loop-hole, but then there's section 205!" " But that's been updated!" " That's been updated!" " Of course." "That amendment's here." "Please open the window, it's too hot in here." " But the updated version does have... a weak point." " No weak point." "Look what you've done!" " Put the lid back!" " Shut the window!" " Why, it's hot in here." " Doctor Jahoda!" " All right, if you wish." " Here it is." "I'll read it out to you." "Health is of primary importance..." " Doctor Jahoda!" "But Doctor..." " What are they doing?" "...that's not fair, you promised!" " What did you promise them?" " The housing department never makes promises." " He's gone." " You are the diver." "You'll get a new house!" " It looks like it." " For a moment, colleague." "Maybe he could...somehow... but I'm only his deputy." "Well, boys, that's that." " At what time does he go boating?" " At five." "He's coming." " Where?" " Over there." "Is it him or isn't it?" " It is!" " 'Course it is." "Get ready!" "Inconspicuously, mind..." "One-two-three... pull hard- no slacking  pull... two-three... one-two-three..." "You're drowning!" "See!" " I'll save her!" "Come and play, Polly!" " I'm off, this is a bore!" " lsn't your cousin stuck up!" " I'm off too." "Fun for nursery class is your class of fun!" " What is it you want, then?" " A gent with bald spot and big car." " Could be more interesting." "Come on!" " Life-guard!" " Help!" "Life-guard!" "Help!" "Life-guard!" "Is there a doctor around?" " He's too far gone even for Archangel Gabriel." "Life-guard!" " Excuse me!" " Prop him up!" "Life-guard... where've you been?" "You should be on duty!" " And you should sell cold beer!" "What do you think?" " Try again." " Hold his nose!" " Ears too." " You keep out of this." "Are you mad?" "Stop it!" " I wanted to give it a try..." "Look, he's alive!" "Jane, he's alive!" "You'll cop it!" "What about this:" "Brunette looking for young man she saved..." " What about:" "Remember when you were drowning, Mister?" " We've got a family master to discuss..." "' Bye!" "You went too far this time!" " 'Look here, Matylda..." "Madame." " Silence!" "Why did you do it?" " I wanted to see if I could." "Silly sausage!" "Sausage!" "For half an hour!" "Odd, isn't it?" "I cracked it and now it won't work properly." " For Christ's sake, take it away from him!" "My only child!" " Gobble her up just before graduation, would he." "If the girl wants to spoil our plan..." " She couldn't have know it was the lawyer chap!" "Rosenthal porcelain..." " What about this:" "Would the girl who saved me please answer, because..." " Because what?" " Just-because!" "That's the point, see?" " Yeah, very clever!" " Henry!" " Good afternoon, Professor..." "What are you writing, Henry?" "Don't waste paper." "Just imagine, one of the people drowned in that bus was Professor lkebara, the Japanese;" "Transformations of animal kinds." " That crazy guy." " Mind what you're saying." "Come with me!" " I'm only a surgeon, Professor, but I know that's nonsense!" " Look." "Ikebara's assistant with family before the metamorphoses and afterwards." "A scientifically proven fact." " Let me read one of lkebara's papers, then." " That's just the point." "He never put anything down on paper!" "And now it's all lost." " You have a nice talk, I'll be back." " Just - nothing!" "Have you eaten?" "The boy should get married." "He's so thin and I'm too busy..." "How much was the yellow bathing suit?" " Three hundred and fifty." " Wait for me here!" "Ah, a pretty one with lid again!" "What a lovely little thing!" "Three hundred and fifty you want for it?" " Yes." " Well, for you." "One, two, three hundred and fifty." " Goodbye." " Goodbye till next time." "To continue..." " This is Professor lkebara..." "Would the girl who saved me please answer, because..." "Because what?" "It's got no end." " But that's permissible from the legal point of view!" " Eighteen fifty." "Sorry..." "Oh, it's you?" " Me?" "What would I be doing here?" " The man who nearly drowned..." " Yes, it's nearly my funeral tomorrow..." " What are you doing here?" " Putting in an advert for a second-hand gravestone." "Shop-soiled, of course" "And you?" " I'm selling a wheel..." " I'll buy it!" " But it's a mill wheel!" " Pity, I have eight of those at home." "Are you free?" " I'm on holiday!" " Come on, then." "He's late today." "That's him." " Get ready." "And this time we hold him down longer." " Wait..." "Take this and have a look!" "What's that?" " That's..." "I'll tear her apart!" " As a lawyer, what attract you to water so much?" " You'll be surprised, the law." "A tortoise has the right to only one shell." " What if some irresponsible tortoise..." " My case the other day:" "A he-tortoise lost his shell and moved in with her, after two years he became a squatter and refused to move out." " Must have been crowded!" "There's worse to come." " He took in his aunt and two young ones from a former marriage!" " Crazy!" "Five tortoises in one shell?" " These tortoises nowadays..." "I'll have to go..." " What if I refuse to take you to shore." "I'm the master here!" " Think so?" "' Bye!" " Jane!" " What is it?" "' Bye!" "And where is she?" " She'll be right in." " What's that?" " Just a bit of blood-sausage for the dog..." " Throw it out at once!" "I won't have such dangerous things in the house!" "Blood!" "You know what happened to Bret!" "Enough is enough!" "What's between you and Doctor Mracek?" " Nothing." "He's nice." " Nice, is he." "Come here!" " What is it?" " Never you mind!" "You're lucky!" "From now on you wear it!" " Why?" "What is it?" " It's a sort of test..." " A test to see if you're still..." " A virgin!" " Look, while it's blue, it's O.K." "When it goes red, that's bad!" " Bad, indeed." "Other girls my age..." " But you're a water-sprite girl!" "And Mracek's a human!" " And water-sprites and people can't..." "I thought we were only forbidden blood-sausage..." " And transfusions!" " Yeah..." "Don't forget you'd lose your immortality, you could never change into a fish again," "you'd be an ordinary human!" "Now pay attention!" "Twice you've spoilt our plans, tomorrow you drown Mracek yourself!" "And no buts!" "Bert will tell you how." " Yes, hello..." "I get everything ready, you ask him to take you on the boat, and then you just pull out the plug!" "Would you like to meet my mother?" "She's trying to get me married!" " Definitely not!" " Why not?" "What about our house, by the way?" "I hope you arrange matters, or else..." " Or else?" "Or this is the last time we see each other!" "I'm so sorry, Jane." "But from the legal point of view..." "...it's impossible." "That's people for you!" "So that case come boating with me tomorrow." "My uncle rents out boats." " That'll be great..." " Won't it just." "How many uncles have you got?" " Charles, Bert, Excellency..." " Who?" " Mr. Wassermann." "He's in Hamburg just now." "Just a moment, Sir..." "Identification, please..." " Of course..." "Thank you." "Regulations, you know." "So that's a fifteen souls, which means fifteen pearls." "Will you have white or grey?" " I'd like a beautiful white one, set in a piece of jewellery." "A present for a girl." " For your daughter..." "I have to get one too." " All girls aren't daughters, you know!" " I understand..." "A beauty, no doubt." " I should say!" "And as passionate as a tornado!" " Something like this?" " Fabulous!" "Do you have another?" "I'd take it for my daughter!" "The building of dams is a great threat." "We had to have the water-nymphs recalled." "A calamity, our situation in Bohemia." "Acquiring souls is ever more difficult." "In olden days we were grand-scale malefactors for the humans, a veritable gold mine." "And now our numbers are decreasing so rapidly our very existence in Bohemia is endangered." "Last year one died of a blood transfusion," "last week we lost our last young male because he thought" "liver pate was plum jam!" "I praised the water-folk of other countries, but Mr Wassermann, responsible for Bohemia, gets a strict reprimand." "He who goes out to the world" "He wants to see how strong he is" "He'll buy a couple of souls where people are foolish" "Some places a couple of souls will do to live like a king" "You don't have to lift a finger and they'll be at your bidding" "Your results are excellent, thank you." "And you must pull yourself together..." "..." "Mr Wassermann!" "We are greatly interested in Bohemia." " What can I do?" " Hand over souls in their little pots!" "You're being paid handsomely with pearls." " But there are so few of us!" " I'll help you out." "You have a daughter." " Yes." " And a niece." " Yes." " Each can have a handful of children." "Tomorrow I'll send you two boys." "Their l.Q. isn't particularly high, but the aim is a water-sprite explosion in Bohemia!" "Maybe I could try..." " No, you leave it to them!" "Damn!" " What's wrong?" " My shoes are too tight." "What about our baggage?" " Than can wait." "First I book a first-class hotel." " I'll go on ahead." " Just a mo!" " What is it?" " Polly's yours and Jane mine, right?" "Beautiful!" "Not even John has one like that!" "' Bye, mum, I've got a date." " This is Professor lkebara!" " Did you say anything?" " No, why?" " This is Professor lkebara..." " What?" "What are you doing in there, man?" " Somebody shut me in here." "No peace even after death..." "Let me out!" " A pleasure..." " Wait!" "What about your research, Professor?" "Is there nothing you mean to leave for mankind?" " How can l." "From inside a pot..." " Dictate your paper to me!" " If you let me out afterwards!" " On my word of honour!" "Henry, some paper!" " I've got a date, mum..." " But this is fantastic, unique!" "What did you learn short-hand for?" "Start writing!" " But she's an intelligent girl, I can't..." " My career means nothing to you?" "I beg of you, Henry!" "On my knees!" "Well, what's up?" " I don't know..." "You warned him!" " How can you..." " I bet you did." " I don't care, but your aunt will tear you apart!" " This time you're wrong." "I'll give him a call." " Get a move on, we don't like doing our drowning after work hours." "I'm terribly sorry, I can't..." "But you said..." "I'm taking down the formulae for changing mammals to fish." "Now you're staring, what?" " I could do that at age five." " Sure, you're a member of Academy of Sciences since the age of six." " Come boating!" "You promised." "I can't, honestly..." " Go and get stuffed, then!" "Jane..." "Jane..." "Good morning!" "What's that you're doing?" "Cutting grass, silly twerp." " I see..." "Could you tell me where I'd find Mr Wassermann and the Waters..." "Bring it back, Lord!" " One moment..." " What is it?" " An ambulance, quick!" " What's happened?" " Catch that dog!" " Which dog?" "Ran off with his foot!" "Back to your master, Lord!" "Bring the foot!" "The ambulance is on its way." "No!" "They'd give me a blood transfusion." " Are you a water-sprite?" "Yeah..." "I beg you, I know what hospitals are like." " It's all a mistake!" " We'll look after him ourselves." "Chamomile treatment's best!" " What's going on here?" " Oh, Rosie!" "They can't treat him against his will!" " What happened, Charlie?" " Louis chopped his foot off, nothing serious..." " What?" " His foot!" "To the operating theatre..." "Prepare a transfusion!" " No transfusion." " indeed no, we won't permit that." "It's only a scratch, doctor..." " Don't listen to them, they're crazy." " Give that back to me!" " Here!" " You're no doctor, you're a sadist!" "Doctor, you can't..." "His Excellency will kill us." "Where's the foot?" "I can't get it out of the shoe, it's too tight." "We can't waste time, we'll stitch it on with the shoe." " Shouldn't I at least give it a polish?" " Hurry up, then!" " lsn't it dangerous?" " What?" " Aren't you afraid of infection?" " If we wash our hands afterwards, we're in no danger!" "His Excellency will really kill us..." "How could we have know..." "Water!" " Coming up..." " Tell him to stuff himself." "He's nothing but an ordinary human now." " What now?" "You and Miss Polly..." " She's not my type." " But there's no forcing Jane into anything..." "Well, have I try." "At the bathing pool maybe..." "You might succeed." "You haven't seen me in action." "Let's go!" "What a life!" " One has to study hard for this!" " Well, that's enough." "See those three girls?" "The one in the white bathing cap is Jane!" "Mind you do it cleverly, she's a woman." "She's cunning!" " Right." "Lend me your cap, I'm going in for a swim." " Here." "Watch this, girls!" "Just your type." " He's coming here." "What about a swim?" " Me?" " I said I wanted a swim with Jane Waters." "You are Jane Waters, aren't you?" " But I..." "Of course she is, run along, Jane!" "How does he know your name?" " Some idiot..." "Super!" " Just normal." "It's difficult." "He's not nice to me at all." "You're in love with him anyway." " I think I am..." "He's taking me for a drive." "He's super!" "Fantastic!" "Let's beat it." "Look here, baby, I'm no ordinary man, see?" " Sure." "But you're no ordinary bird either, what?" "We can't take up with ordinary mortals, can we?" "That would be the end." "How do you want it?" "In the brook like trout, or in the mud?" " Why in the mud?" " O.K., Splendour in the Grass." "You - here alone?" " With Christine..." " That young man with whiskers..." " He took Vladka for a drive..." " Vladka?" "!" " They should be back by now." "There they are." "You're bragging!" "Just watch me, then!" "Tie my hands together." "My feet, too." "I can't wait to see this." "Wait!" "Something important..." " I just want to show them..." " No, wait!" "Have you been with this girl?" " Of course!" " Now watch." "Don't jump... wait, you made a mistake!" "You keep out of this!" "If you've been with him," "I'll take it to court!" "This is a calamity!" "Stop sniffing that, there's no nutrition in souls." "Here you are!" " You shouldn't have said Mracek in that pot, considering it's that..." " Braggart!" "We couldn't tell on Jane!" " We'll drown Mracek tomorrow and that'll be that." "Here, and that's enough." "Scram!" " Oh, hello there." " My husband just called, he'll be back tomorrow." "He was happy to hear that you drowned Mracek." "Making the cake yet?" " Nearly ready to pop in the oven." "They've sent two suitors for the girls to Prague." "Thomas and Rolf." " This is Rolf calling!" "Rolf here!" "What's that?" "That's Rolf." "What's that?" " That's Rolf." " It's not the lawyer?" "You drowned a water-sprite?" " That can't be done!" " He thought Jane's friend was Jane..." " That girl again!" "So Mracek is still alive." "Whilst poor Rolf..." "I'm going to make an end of you!" " That's enough, Matylda!" "I'm sick and tired of all this!" " What?" "Is this a loyal subject of his" "Excellency's speaking?" " I'm sick of him, too!" " Pull yourself together - you're a water-sprite!" " I'm sick of that, too!" "Who's the best off in this world?" "He who harms people!" "We've grown rich on that!" " But we've done all the work!" "You give off our toil." " Complaining?" "You'd have to be a human for that!" " Becoming a human would mean getting you off my back!" "And you don't know how?" " Of course I know how!" "Like this!" "But we need the flour!" "Those ears - the image of Matylda's!" "It really doesn't work too well." " What's the idea, Charlie?" " Where's that blood sausage?" "I really am packing it in!" " Lord ate it up." " Don't be a fool, Charles." " You think I've gone off my head?" "No, I really want to end it." "A slave for 300 years - that's too much for an angel!" "But I put one over on her!" " God, where is she?" " Lord carried her out..." "A publicity stunt again!" "Flour - that can come in useful." "Bring back, Lord!" "Some blood sausage please." " Sorry, what about Hungarian salami..." " No thanks." "I'll have to take Rosy a posy." " Pardon?" "Hello." " Have you come to see your friend?" " No, I came to see you, Rosie." "This is terribly important, could we... here somewhere... you know become lovers...?" "Impossible!" "Are you normal?" " Not yet, but that would do it." "I thought you love me, Rosie." " I'm not saying no." "But not while I'm on duty!" " Rosie..." "give me a transfusion, then!" "Doctor, I need a blood transfusion, urgently!" " 'Look here, when that poor man was to get one, you were furious." "And now... you're mad!" " Doctor, please!" "Just a little blood!" " Give him half a pint." " Thank you." "I'm human!" "I'm a human being!" " How much have you downed?" " Half a pint." "I'm human!" " On half a pint?" " I can't marry you, Henry." "We're such an odd family..." "One day I'll explain everything." "Isn't that..." " Uncle Charles!" " You really are an odd family." " Our love birds!" "More power to you!" "I hope you're moving us out soon, the house is inhumanly damp." "Janie, should you meet a bag of flour with ears, that's Madame!" "Cripes, auntie's turned into flour." "Did you say an odd family?" "That's an understatement!" "And why won't you come to our place?" " If I knew your mother won't be home..." " She's at the institute now." " Yes, professor," "I've proved lkebara right." "Do come, I'm making a cake." "I stayed at home especially." " Something's in the oven..." " Your mother's at home?" " Looks like it..." "Jane..." "Jane... is this possible?" "Jane..." "Stop it, mother!" "Jane fell in..." " What are you saying?" " She changed into a fish." " You gave her lkebara's formula!" "And it works!" " I didn't give her anything." " We tested it on your future wife!" "I'm not getting married!" " This is Jane, mother." " Happy to meet you." "Professor Mracek..." "Really, slipping visitors into the mixer..." "Henry sometimes doesn't know..." " You used this flour?" " Of course." "Vertigo from the mixer." " So this is auntie." " Her head spinning round." "Tell me what's all this nonsense?" "Where did you find this?" " A dog threw it away." "Didn't seem to need it." "Excuse me." "Professor Mracek..." " How come you became a fish?" " You said your mother wouldn't be home!" "You lied, I won't marry you!" "You're an ordinary..." " Not good enough for you, am I?" "All right, we can part!" " People lie." "I'm taking auntie home." "You'd eat her!" " No!" " Mind, it's still hot!" " You won't let me have it?" "This is the end, Henry!" "Parting for a bit of cake!" " How come she became a fish?" " It must have been my formula." "I must be crazy." "What good are the ears to us?" " The old man can alter his marriage certificate, be married to a pair of ears!" " 'Nothing but jests on your mind, uncle." " Nothing but Mracek on yours." " I've finished with him." "Where's mother?" "In the baking tin, dear!" "I'll tell daddy!" "He'll be here in the morning." "You wait!" "We must get that cherry cake by tomorrow!" "Wash-day, I suppose." " Where's the kitchen?" "Henry!" "Come on, Henry, you promised." " I'm in such a hurry, mother." " Five minutes won't kill you." " I have to inspect that house that's to be pulled down." "It's where Jane lives..." " No excuses!" "Looks like they're home!" "Carp extract." "But it won't start working till tonight." "' Bye." "They've done." "Quick, I'll cover you." "It's here!" " And uncut!" "Take it and let's go!" " Henry!" "Henry, you're back?" "Quick..." "Must be ghosts..." "Louis, pull out the baggage!" "Where is everybody?" " Daddy, you're back!" "Brought me a present?" " Wait till lunchtime." " Had a good trip?" " No, some pipes broke and I had to use the hot water pipe..." "Where's your mother?" " She hasn't been home all night!" " Your mother?" "Our mother." "Sorry, I've got to run..." "She said not before tonight!" "Come in!" "Hello" "I'm here on that matter you know of..." "Excuse me." "That's great, welcome..." " Sorry, but..." " Quite all right," "I know who you are now." " You see my mother..." " Yes, it's hereditary." "I was told you'd be coming." "This way, please." "Don't wait to be asked" "And what about your colleague?" "Oh, is all this yours?" " Why the surprise?" "Did you think me a beggar?" "Actually, these empty as yet." " I've got one too." "I beg youth pardon?" "I have one too!" " Only one?" "Never mind, all this will be yours, young man!" " Surely not..." " You thought I'd marry her off without a dowry?" " I thought you're her uncle." "So you are her father." " Of course!" "Let me show you the family property." "This way." "We'll need dynamite." " Pardon?" " Nothing." " Come along!" "What do you say, my boy?" "Amazing!" "You needn't think I inherited all this." "What I don't drown I don't have." "The result of the family's hard work for the last 306 years." "Now you're staring, what?" "Many hands make light work." "Work hard and you won't be left wanting." "Don't even try to count." "Ten thousand pots!" " I've never seen such a collection..." "What manners?" "!" "You're all wet!" "But I was warned..." "No property, no manners..." " I don't understand." " Never mind." " We have a family party at lunch today." "Do come, and with your friend." " Thank you, you are such an interesting family..." " By the way, how many pots does that friend of yours have?" " Many more than I!" " I'm glad to hear that." "... the bezuli elements discovered by" "Professor lkebara make it possible..." "Gentlemen!" " A revolution in biology!" "§§§§" "Let us take a rest now. §§§§" " Can I offer you some refreshments?" "§§§§" " The yellow water, please... §§§§" " Well?" "§§§§" " We must be patient. §§§§" "There... §§§§" "so our great one has left us. §§§§" " There are much larger pots... §§§§" " Excuse me. §§§§" "Yes, Henry?" "§§§§" "I changed into a carp twice already!" "§§§§" "It started a bit earlier actually. §§§§" "Three times in all?" "§§§§" "Thanks a lot. §§§§" "' Bye. §§§§" " Professor!" " 'Excuse me..." "Up to your fun and games again..." "You've splashed it!" " Sorry..." "It won't happened again." "Could you lend me your suit for lunch?" " What?" " You do have a coat!" " Being your deputy is a nerve-racking business, you know!" " Sorry..." "John, you're asked for lunch too!" "To Jane's!" "Damnation!" "You won't be bored." "An interesting family." "Professor lkebara's bezuli elements are combined at a ratio of 1 2:5... or 26:3 or..." " Enough, my head's going round!" " Will you have some cake?" "I'll get a knife..." " It's now or never!" "Excuse me..." " Jane, come back at once!" "They were fish!" " How's that possible?" "You said the bezuli elements..." " This is getting too much for me!" "Fabulous!" "Does it suit me?" " Wait, not here." "You're scared." "Sorry dear, I have to go." "What about your divorce?" " There's no time now, baby..." "Have you seen my wife by any chance?" " No." " Oh, sorry..." " How dare you?" "My name is Gerda!" " I'm truly sorry." " Don't bother..." "What, you?" " My dear colleague!" " May I introduce Mr..." " Wassermann..." " Wassermann, if you please" " I am Mrs Brook." " How do you do?" " Nice to meet you." "You're off!" "What's the matter with the dog." "Never ate anything sweet and now keeps sniffing at the cake." " If there were meat in it, I wouldn't be surprised." "But this..." "Should I..." "shouldn't I...?" " You try, but the rumpus Matylda kicks up will..." "Wait a bit..." " Poor Madame has risen so..." "Didn't mother say where are was going?" "Something about cherries..." "Cover her up..." "Please come in..." " Two extra plates, I've brought some visitors." "Come upstairs, Polly." "My daughter Polly." "Mr. and Mrs. Brook." " Glad to know you." " So am I..." "Miss?" " Polly." " Such a charming name!" "A charming daughter..." " Albert, please." " Is mother home yet?" " No." "I'll line up my servants for you." "Upstairs, all three of you!" "Your wife is not at home?" " She's at the hairdresser 's." "Here we are, Excellency!" " On your knees!" "Where were you all this morning?" " We went..." " To fetch some cherry cake." " That man Mracek..." " Mracek..., what about him?" " Drowned, Sir!" "You're never seen such a collection in your life!" " I see it's your lucky day today." "Well, here we are!" "Jane, meet John!" "You're come about pulling the house down?" "You sure chose the right time." "We said you're drowned." "Didn't your father tell you he invited us for lunch?" " You must be nuts!" " Hadn't we better go?" " If you're still angry about yesterday, relax, will you?" "Look here, your father invited us, so here we are." "John, let's go." "Who's that?" "Your drowned lawyer Mracek with somebody called John." " This is the end!" "Polly, give me your hand..." "Hamburg!" "What?" "You and Polly?" "So you are that passionate tornado!" "I'm such a gentleman and my daughter's a slut!" " But he promised he'd get divorced!" " You and your tornado..." " There must be some solution..." " Divorce?" "You and this baggage!" " What did you say?" "You flannel bedroom slipper!" " What?" " Maybe we should go." " Why, it's interesting!" "She's chocking her, shoo!" "Be an old shoe!" "Thanks." "A good thing we're water-sprites." "Your turn now." "Water-sprites!" " John, let's go!" "This is great, so you did come after all!" "Come right in, have some cake." "Bring the wine!" "You are the richer one..." " Pardon?" " Polly." "Polly, your future husband!" " What?" "Husband?" "Oh no, please..." " Well, after what you witnessed..." "But this gentleman will settle the affair like a gentleman." " Of course." " Your fortune, Sir?" " Five thousand pots," "I mean souls..." " Start writing!" "My property in its entirety goes to..." " Really..." " Miss Polly Wassermann..." " Your blackmailer, you gangster!" " And my daughter's honour?" " I'll live like a beggar!" " No you won't, on my word of honour." "Put down:" "I, Albert Brook..." " Why did you come?" " Are you a water-sprite too?" "And Jane?" " She, too." " Jesus..." "Right." "I assure you, you won't live like a beggar." " Thanks." "You won't live at all!" "Old shoe!" "Make a pair!" "Polly is now a rich bride indeed." "Well?" "I have to go..." "A trade union meeting..." "Call Jane, will you?" "To meet her future husband." "He's gone crazy." " What's up?" " His Excellency wants to marry Jane to Mracek!" " I'm not on speaking terms with him." "I'm going out!" "He's wiping out the water-sprites!" " Aren't we, too?" "Help yourself." "I don't eat cake..." " Come on, don't be shy." "You'll like Jane." " I'm not really interested..." " The girl inherits the house." " But the house is to be pulled down!" " Oh no, we put a stop to that." " I'd be the one to know about that." " You see, that idiot, Doctor Mracek - we're drowned him!" "Aren't I right, Louis?" " Yes, Excellency..." " Look..." "This was in the cake..." "And I've eaten it!" "What is it?" "Blood!" "My only daughter!" "You scoundrels, who baked it?" " I assure you as a physician that it's perfectly harmless!" "Look!" " What are you doing?" " I often have this sausage for lunch." " So do I, it's not bad." " It's quite O.K." " But it isn't often put into cake." "Who are you, anyway?" " Daddy," "I want to stay here with you." " Go away!" "And don't count with my property!" " Go and get stuffed, then." "This is inhuman, Sir." "From the legal point unacceptable..." "Who is this?" " Didn't you know?" "It's Doctor Mracek, the lawyer." "Doctor Mracek?" " Yes!" "Finish him off!" " What are you trying to do?" "I warn you, the law..." "Lock yourself in." "This is thanks for the transfusion." "You're mad..." " I told you not to come!" "Open up!" "Not him!" " Time enough to settle him!" "First Mracek!" " Do we drown him?" " Want to use a steam-roller, you idiots?" "Quickly!" "Cigarette?" " Come on, have another drink..." "Have a drink, you will be happier." " Come on, just try it!" " Come on, let's toast." "Come on, don't wait to be asked." "To your health." " There you go..." "You're off your head, first you look for him by advert and now you don't want him?" "Why?" "I just don't want to die, ever - see?" "You're such a kid!" "The world is so beautiful!" "But why is it beautiful - because you're in love!" "You may be right." "Jane, he..." " What is it?" " He drowned!" "Where are you taking him?" " To the morgue." " Any other suggestion, Missy?" " Cut that out, man!" "My wife left me, I lost my daughter and now you want my house?" "Where are you going with that?" "I'll take Mracek into the cellar myself." "Put that down, Here, on your knees." " Yes..." " Quickly!" "Excellency, we'll go to the town hall" " We'll talk to Mr Krecek." " That's a name?" " He's in Mracek's office..." " No, I don't like that..." " Forgive me, Your Excellency, but..." "That man would be quite willing..." "to help us!" " When we talked to him last..." "Don't bang around like that, Henry, you'll have lumps on your soul!" "Where d'you think you're going?" " To see my daddy..." "Mr. Patocek..." " You were only born last year..." "we celebrated the event." " I'm from his first marriage." "Lunch, is it." "Go in, then." "So I'm lunch, am I?" " Please be quiet!" "Get the trolley and move that woman and that drowned lawyer." "There!" "hop in!" "Quick!" "O.K." "Mind now." "I won't have it!" " Never mind your clothes." " It was a borrowed suit." "Got it..." "Patocka!" "Hang on!" "Shame on you, those poor corpses with such odd service." " You could have told me about you family..." " Do you mind very much?" "I'm beginning to get used to it." "I must go to the office!" "Why?" " Because of your house." "It has to come down." " You are awful!" "Can't you make an exception?" " No exceptions permissible, section 902, paragraph 37..." "Stop over there!" "So he's dead, my poor boss." " You'll be taking over." " Remember what you promised?" " I'll keep my promise, gentlemen." "Ah, what a nice surprise." "Get this ready for tomorrow, house number 134 to be demolished." "I've been to look at it." " Really, doctor...." "And you too?" " He took my suit, Sir!" " They stole them at the morgue!" " Fun and games all the time!" "There!" " Look, to each his own." "We build, improve, clean for people... you choke, drown, bribe people." "Right?" "Settle when they are ready to evacuate the house." "I'm off." "He can't be indestructible, damn you!" "After him!" "Sorry." "Done." "Let's go!" "Henry!" "Taxi!" " What do we do?" "No way." " Excuse us, we're in a hurry." " It's you, is it?" "Steal my cherry cake and my taxi!" "Such a nice man, shame on you!" " Man, ugh." "What cherry cake?" "Well, 'bye." " ' Bye." "What about coming to my place?" "Nobody's home, honestly!" " We've had that one before!" "It was such fun being a trout or carp..." " Tried being a tortoise?" " No, that didn't excite me..." "We used to play hide and seek with the girls." "It was fun." "My little carp." "D'you still want to play with them?" " Now I only want to play with you..." "Run along, boy." "Come and sit down, Rosie." " Just for a minute, Charlie." " Let's just decide on witnesses and wedding invitations..." "and other details..." " Where's Mracek?" "You're hiding him!" " Maybe I should go." " Maybe you should." "Don't bring people into my house." "It's enough that she..." "Stop petting and tell me where they are!" " What do you want, anyway?" " To make a definite end to Mracek!" " This has gone too far." "Either we get him or we have to move out." "For Christ's sake - child!" " Daddy, we want to get married." "It couldn't be worse!" "This is the finale for both of you!" "So we've found them!" " That's ninety-two crowns." " Keep the change." "Don't stand and stare." "Drown them both!" " Well, Louis..." " What do you care now." "Shall I help you?" "No, and never again!" "Yes indeed..." " Henry!" "We have met, haven't we?" "Listen to this:" "" Unprecedented Scientific Success" " Man Master of Underwater Life"" "It's all about me!" " Man Master of Underwater Life?" "That would be the last straw!" " It looks like we've lost..." " I've still got this..." "and much to settle." " Our future in-laws!" " You wait and see what I turn you into!" "A scrubbing brush!" " Do your worst!" "These are your last two goons... and you'll now let them have this" "lunch... and we'll make Madame come back." " Matylda didn't run out on me?" " No!" " My sweetie-pie!" "The only person I have left." " Well, so?" " Eat it up!" " Boys, share that." " D'you understand this?" " Yeah." " Down with it, daddy!" "Excellence..." "My cherry cake!" " Sorry... belongs to this gentleman." "Been married to her for years!" " To a cake?" "You're not even surprised, Henry?" " It takes all sorts to make the world." "What's happened?" "What have you done to me?" "I'm like an airship!" "My hairdresser'll need a step-ladder!" "And undoes this size..." " The dough must have risen..." " But she looks good!" " Mind out!" "Careful!" " Men!" "Who is this large lady, Henry?" " Our future auntie." "That can come in useful." "A doctor!" " I was locked in upstairs." " Please take a look at him, doctor." "He was standing, suddenly he's lying down." " Odd, isn't it?" "He'll be all right." " What do we give him?" " Smelling-salts..." "A good slap'll do it." " No!" "Surely you don't want to make yourself a widow!" " I can't get out through the door." "You'll have to pull the house down!" "Can you speed up the demolition job?" " They'll be starting quite soon." " They will." " You're such a nice man, I'll let you have some of my pots." "You want to sell they pots?" " I have no alternative!" "How much d'you think is she going to consume, doctor?" " You'd better reckon with 30 lbs of meat a day..." "Do you hear?" "No servants, no magic wand, no more drowning people..." "so what..." "You'll have to start working" "like any normal human being!" "Like a human being?" " Like a human." "Ugh." "And work?" "That takes the biscuit!" "Me?" "Me, the immortal?" " Oh, uncle... immortality lies elsewhere..." "What about my snack?" " Coming up!" "THE END"