"(ANGELlC music)" "Aw, I love apologetic Vod!" "Don't get used to it, darling!" "Right, let us smoke the pipe of peace." "Ta-da!" "Welcome to mega-bong!" "Ready?" "." "You do know what day it is?" "." "The day our results go up?" "." "(music STOPS)" "The clock has just struck reality!" "Bong!" "Bong!" "Bong!" "30 seconds to go." " Who's nervous?" "." " (KlNGSLEY sighs)" " You're nervous." " Oh..." "You're nervous." " You're always nervous." " JP:" "I'm cool with it." "I'm just gonna say I got a 2:1 whatever happens." "Go easy on the drama." "Not everyone here's gonna get a good grade." "I won't say who." "(whispers) Vod and JP!" "Got it." "Guys, your future has been decided." "You've been branded for life." "Go!" "2 and another 2?" "." "I don't understand." "Get in!" "I've only gone and got a bloody 2:1!" " No, you have not!" " Well, no." "I've got a third." "But it'll say 2:1 on my CV." "2:2 - maybe that's a typo." "Should it maybe say 2:1, or maybe just 1?" "." "2:1." "The blindo played a blinder!" "Howard?" "." "A first." " Fucking right!" " All right." "Success does not sit easy on me." "I've a dread of foreboding." " Like Icarus soaring towards the sun." " OREGON: 2:2?" "." "What does that even mean?" "." " That doesn't even mean anything!" " Vod?" "." "I've only gone and a got a 2:1!" "(LAUGHS) OK!" "Good one!" "No, I mean, I'd be really happy for you," " but you're joking, right?" "." " I'm not joking!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm so happy for you." "But how?" "." "How could you possibly have got a 2:1?" "." "Read some books, had some opinions." "It's English, it's not hard!" " Apparently, it can be." " (CLEARS THROAT)" "Brilliant, Vod!" "No, brilliant!" "Um, just don't get too up." " I'm not." " No, because, as a friend, um, I should probably tell you that you might not have a 2:1." "You might have my 2:1 and I might have your 2:2." "Well, you know what rhymes with 2:2 - fuck you!" "Maybe the website was hacked!" "Or the moderator was drunk!" "Or..." "Oh, shit!" "I've got a 2:2, haven't I?" "." "I fucking love university!" "Let's all do masters!" " MUM:" "We just called to see how you are." " DAD:" "Is everything OK?" "." "Yeah, great." "Everything's great, actually great." " I'm having a great day." " MUM:" "Great." " She's having a great day!" " (LAUGHS) Great!" " OK!" "Great catching up!" " Melissa..." "What did you get?" "." "I mean, it's...just a piece of paper." " (LAUGHS NER VOUSLY)" " Is that champagne?" "." "There's something you should know." "I...got a first!" " (LAUGHING AND SQUEALING)" " Oh, wonderful!" "Look, Mum and Dad, I don't want you to get too carried away..." " (CORK POPS) -...with this." " Oh, er, champagne." " (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)" " Ooh!" " DAD:" "Ooh, it's fantastic!" " OREGON:" "Great!" " I'm so proud of you!" " DAD:" "Mm-hm!" " Thanks, Mum." "OREGON:" "Oh, God, that is just... so nice." "(UPBEAT music PLAYS)" " Cheers-ears!" " ALL:" "Cheers" "Goodbye, best years of my life." "I'll think of you when I'm having a lonely wank in front of Game Of Thrones and setting my alarm for 7am." " Unless you, er, pursue your art?" "." " Pictures of cocks aren't art!" "Unless you're Gilbert  George." "Seriously!" "Can you believe I got a 2:1?" "." "I just can't get used to saying "2:1 "!" "Oh..." "Anyway, now that I've got my 2:1, I mean, it's obvious, I'm an academic." "So I thought I might do something amazing like..." " cure cancer." " You're not gonna cure cancer." "Haters gonna hate!" "Don't come running to me when you've got cancer." "I won't." "Well, you won't be able to if you've got cancer of the legs." "Bants!" "Aw, I'm gonna miss you guys." "What about you, Kings?" "." "You don't have anything lined up, do you?" "." "Actually, I've just got an interview for a position at an internet radio station." "Oh!" "That's so brilliant!" "Well done!" "I mean, it's only for trainee broadcast assistant researcher, but, you know," "I'm gonna work on some shout-outs anyway, cos I figure, like," "I dunno, three months in the mailroom, they'll probably put me on one of the late-night slots." "2 till 6, maybe?" "." "Maybe 1 0 till 1 2, if they like my eclectic blend of music and chat, which I think they will." "VOD:" "Mmm." "Why are you feeling so sorry for yourself anyway?" "." "I'm the one who's gonna be here nex year, all by myself, and I don't even have anyone to live with." "Maybe we should all move to London, together?" "." "(MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)" " JP:" "Yeah." " JOSlE:" "Yeah, I guess we could, yeah." " When are you releasing the location?" "." " Oh, yeah, soon!" " It's old school." "You'll get the call." " (girls LAUGH)" "Everyone's really looking forward to Vodstock." "What are we gonna do?" "." "Why are you all looking at me?" "." "We're looking at you because you're Vod, the organiser of Vodstock." "You are literally the face of this event." "Remember?" "." "And, thanks to you, 1,000 students are now expecting us to stage a festival that is, and I quote," ""Burning Man meets Cirque du Soleil meets Countryfile meets hajj."" "Yeah, well, it was Kingsley's idea and you lot sold most of the tickets." "But you're cancelling it and now we're getting the blame!" "I got robbed of the ticket money!" "Yeah, robbed by the drug dealers you hired as security, ironically." " Correct!" " You don't even feel a bit responsible?" "." "What for?" "." "The Muggles?" "." "The Mooks?" "." "The customers!" "All right!" "I've got an idea." "We erect a series of signs directing everyone away from the field into another field, then another and eventually over a cliff." "You mean, like in a Road Runner cartoon?" "." "We are so fucked!" " What are you doing?" "." " I'm desperate!" " So I'm applying for a PGCE." " Dad!" "Dad?" "." "(GASPS)" "Yeah!" "I only got a fucking 2:1!" "DAD:" "Yes!" " (VOD LAUGHS) - (CHEERING OVER TELEPHONE)" "Er, yeah." "A few ideas." "Cure cancer, um... be a teacher." "What?" ".!" "But a cool one." "Er...she got a 2:2." "Sorry, he asked." "(LAUGHS) Yeah!" "So..." "So, you're, er, probably too busy doing RAF shit to come to graduation, but..." "Oh, fucking brilliant!" "I mean, cool!" "Yeah, cool!" "All right, well, see ya later, aviator!" "All right, all right, right, right." "(sighs) He likes the teaching idea." "I mean, the irony is, I don't even need a 2:1 to do that." "Maybe you should have it." "Can I transfer it?" "." "Or are they non-transferable, like train tickets?" "." "Can you believe this?" "." " OREGON:" "Josie!" " Mm?" "." "Oh, sorry, I...stopped listening." "You've got my mark." "You've got my degree." "And now you want to steal my career!" "Oh, there's room for more than one teacher!" "Like, my school - there were at least ten!" "No." "(VOD sighs)" "Hm." "Why did I bring so many bongos?" "." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Hey." "I was just packing and I found these plasters." "Memories, eh?" "." " (LAUGHS)" " We will still see each other?" "." " After uni?" "." " Yeah." "I mean..." " I might have the odd weekend off." " OK, good!" "Because did you know that the halfway point between London and Manchester is Coventry?" "." "Now, I haven't been there, but it's probably amazing." "So I thought, if we could find somewhere to meet up - a little Coventry cottage with an open fire - if we wanted to, you know, we could...do what we do best." "Yeah." "I mean, we..." "we wouldn't be going out, but, er, we'd sort of be..." "seeing each other." "Sure, er, yeah, but I..." "I'm super easy." "Oh, yeah, me too." "I'm eggs over easy on a slice of wholemeal whatevs!" "Running up the flagpole, see who salutes?" "." "Exactly." "Try it on for size, see where it ventures!" " Yeah, that...that sounds good." " Great." " (sighs)" " Ah, isn't this just great?" "." "You're popping your little Welsh trotter into Prince Charming's glass slipper." "Yeah." "I've got some packing to do." "(HE MUTTERS)" "So perhaps I could finish by saying what a lifelong dream it's been... (KlNGSLEY continues inside)" "Hey!" "You look wired." "The attack dogs of midnight rolled with a cloying intensity." "I stayed up all night applying for every creative writing MA in Britain!" "It was while I was packing my vast and eclectic collection of paperbacks that I realised..." " I'm a novelist!" " Right." " (toilet FLUSHES)" " Or just...someone who reads." "Hey!" "So, how was it?" "." "Um, I was quite nervous, so, in a way, it was good to do it in the toilet." "OREGON:" "Eugh!" "JP:" "Oh!" "I love this!" "It's so comfortable!" "Like a poncho for intellectuals." "Or a gentleman's burqa." "I feel like Zorro, or a Mason." "(LAUGHS TO himself)" "You do realise that we're gonna have to see everyone that we sold tickets to at graduation?" "." "All right, I've got a plan!" " We do a runner." " Works for me." "This is so unrestrictive." "It would be great for running." " No!" " Like a getaway gown!" "It is time to grow up!" "We have to release the details!" "We'll say, "Bring your headphones,"" "and then, I don't know, when people get to the field, I stream my - to be fair - incredible Vodstock playlist." "Best silent disco ever - my amazing playlist saves the day." " Kingsley's right." " About the playlist?" "." "No!" "We need to confront this like adults." "Ooh, I know." "We could sing a song from The Sound Of Music and have a mental breakdown." " (JOSlE LAUGHS)" " JP:" "That's an option." "So, I have found the London house, as per our group agreement." "Did we agree?" "." "You assented by making positive faces and noises." "Thus I have, er, found ourselves a house to share in the lovely-sounding Colliers Wood." "Here." "Hmm." ""Victorian period property." "Easily maintained gardens."" " Sounds great." " I'll be back in a minute." "We're obviously not going to live with him, are we?" "." "God, no, I wouldn't be seen dead in Colliers Wood!" "It's in Zone 3!" "We should tell him now." "You know, I was so scared about moving to London, the only way I can imagine doing it is with you guys, so... here's the lease for House Share 2:" "Share Harder!" "Yes!" "Fucking yes, I got it!" "I fucking got it!" "You're listening to Kingsley's Overexcited FM!" "Yeah!" " That's my station ident." " Yeah, I think I'll stick to Radio 2." " What's the, er, starting salary?" "." " Um..." "girl:" "Kingsley!" " It's gonna be awesome!" " Yeah, you know it!" " (KlNGSLEY LAUGHS)" " JOSlE:" "Can't wait!" "I think I'm gonna be sick!" "Oh, my God!" "The attack dogs at midnight are back and they have torn academic precedents to shreds!" "I can't believe I've got an answer so quickly." "Novel writing, here in Mancunia!" "I'm, like, the first person to ever get on an MA with a 2:2!" "They must've really loved my sample." "Where is my dad?" "." "Pfft!" "I need to keep him away from my mum in case she gets all glug-glug, shouty-shouty, punchy-fucky!" "Here comes my mum carrying her sick dog for maximum emotional manipulation." "OK, right, guys - group huddle." "Can everyone please remember to call me Melissa in front of my mum?" "." "Also, please can everyone pretend that I'm still the president of the union, and that I got a first, and also, don't mention the fact I had an affair with Tony Shales and his son." "Not affair, relationship." "And also, can please nobody mention that I snapped a man's banjo string whilst making love to him on a table, which resulted in him being deported?" "." "Yeah, I think I might just ignore your mum altogether." "Seems like the safest option." " OK." " There she is!" "My daughter Melissa!" "President of the student union with her first class degree!" "With a place on an MA in novel writing right here in Manchester!" "(LAUGHS EXClTEDLY)" "Isn't she incredible?" ".!" "Jeeps!" "Mate!" " You fucking did it!" " I mean, yeah, OK," "Manchester's not exactly Durham or Exeter or Bristol or St Andrew's or lmperial or even, like, Newcastle or UCR, but still, I..." "I'm amazed you graduated." "So, er..." "So thank fuck for that!" "I mean, it might've been tricky holding the job open for you otherwise." "Yeah, um, do you think it would be all right if we waited a year until I started?" "." "You know, like a suspended..." "I don't wanna say sentence, but maybe I could take another year off, just get my head together?" "." "No!" "I'm sending you straight into the City to milk the money titty!" "You're gonna be young, dumb and worth a lump sum." "(LAUGHS) Champagne for my real friends?" "." "BOTH:" "And real pain for my sham friends!" " Look, Mum!" "Mum, don't!" " Give him a kiss." "KlNGSLEY:" "Mum, no!" "It's disgusting." "No kissing." "No Dad?" "." " Or Mum?" "." " Yeah?" "." "Relaxing without 'em." "Ideal." "WOMAN:" "English Literature." "Well, go on - up you go!" "Mum, there's something I need to tell you." "Melissa, I've waited 20 years for this." " Melissa Shawcross." " (SOME APPLAUSE)" "(BOOlNG)" "What's going on?" "." "Why's she being booed?" "." " (BOOlNG continues)" " I dunno." "Student humour?" "." "Oh!" "I love that!" "That's so zany!" " Boo!" " (BOOlNG lNTENSlFlES)" " MAN:" "Get off!" " Sorry about the booing." "I've got a little something for you that might cheer you up." "Golden scroll." "Golden girl." " I made it myself." " Tony, that's very weird." "Oh, my God, she's asked for a golden scroll!" "(# alice COOPER:" "School's Out)" "# Well, we got no choice" "# All the girls and boys" "# Makin' all that noise" "# Cos they found new toys" "# Well, we can 't salute ya Can 't find a flag" "# If that don 't suit ya, that's a drag" "# School's out for summer!" " # School's out for ever... # - (DOG BARKS) #..." "School's been blown to pieces... # ... admirable replacement - please welcome the new president of the student union," "Natasha Clarke." "I don't understand - the new president?" "." "My theme today is how should we behave as adults in the real world?" "." "As you know, our previous president - Melissa Shawcross - was impeached and ousted for gross misconduct, so... not like her." "(LAUGHTER)" "(BOOlNG)" "So, I didn't get offered a Fulbright and I'm not the president." "I was ousted due to gross mismanagement and corruption." "Also, I had an affair with my tutor, Professor Shales." " Oh, my God!" "Melissa!" " And his son Dylan." "Also, I didn't get a first." "You got a 2:1?" "." "A 2:2." "Oh..." "God!" "I'm so humiliated!" " Melissa, you're such a disappointment!" " VOD:" "No, she isn't, love!" "She's the best president we ever had!" "But while she was thinking big about poetry and education and chips, all these fuckheads wanted to think about was rugby and badminton and careers and degrees!" "I mean, yeah, she got rejected, but so did Jesus, and JK Rowling." "And, if it wasn't for Oregon, I wouldn't even have a degree." "She let me copy her coursework." "She... inspired me to think about books." "Even the ones written by wankers to fake you out." "Thank you, Vod." "And she did not mean to snap that guy's dong." "That was an accident." "I hadn't actually mentioned that." "Who the hell is Oregon?" "." "I'm Oregon and I'm going to stay here and I'm going to learn to be a writer." "I got on the MA creative writing course, even though I only got a 2:2!" "No-one's ever done that before!" "And it's all down to how good a writer I am!" "I'm going to be one of this country's greatest novelists, if their reaction to my sample is anything to go by!" " Oregon..." " Um?" "." "Glad I could help with the MA, by the way." "I quietly binned Attack Dogs Of Midnight for a little something from my own humble quill, and in you slid, past the adjudicators and straight onto my little course." "What?" ".!" "Tony Shales, I don't think we've had the... (VOD GASPS)" "(# WlLCO:" "You and I)" "# You and I" "# We might be strangers" " # However close we get sometimes... # - (DOG GROWLS) #..." "It's like we never met" "# But you and I" "# I think we can take it" "# All the good with the bad" "# Make something that no-one else has, but..." "# You and I... #" "Hi, yeah, um... (CLEARS THROAT) ... I just wanted to check something, actually, about the, um, the trainee broadcast assistant researcher job." "Um, just a tiny, tiny detail, really, but, um... as regarding the actual physical salary, um..." "I don't wanna be rude, but, um, what..." "what level is that per se, so to speak?" "." "Uh-huh?" "." " That's the total figure?" "." " girl:" "Hey, Josie!" " Can you tell us where Vodstock will be?" "." " Good, OK." "Yup!" "JOSlE:" "Talk to Vod - that's why it's called Vodstock!" "No, I understand!" "Thank you." "Cheers." "Hey." "You seen Vod?" "." " Um, no, sorry." " (sighs)" "Er, is there any chance of a heads-up on the down-low of the location?" "." "Still under wraps." "You'll get the tex from our burner phone at 1 800 hours." " Cool." " One thing to mention is... should there be an issue with the sound system, which there won't be, but in case of, er, cow issues, or a barn malfunction, just... bring your headphones." "I've got an unbelievable playlist." "Bang!" "Silent disco." "What a way to go out?" "." "60 quid for a, er..." "ticket for a silent disco?" "." "You're gonna get stabbed in the face, mate." "And not silently." "I was thinking, um, if we shouldn't, if it wouldn't be cooler" " to keep us a secret?" "." " From Kingsley?" "." " From everyone." " From our friends?" "." "And what about your family?" "." "I mean, I presume I'll get to meet them at some point?" "." "OK, look, sit." "(sighs) Look..." "I don't want to say this... but  if a Martian came down to Earth, um, they could, might, take one look at you and decide that you're a...you know stupid rich tit who embodies everything that's wrong" "with our money-orientated, class-bound society." "That's what a Martian would think?" "." "Well, yeah." "But you can understand that." "I mean, you are a bit of a tit." "Do you like me, Josie?" "." "As a person?" "." "Oh..." "You've really put me on the spot here." "And if I'm not allowed to meet your family, and I'm not allowed to kiss you in public, what am I allowed to do?" "." "Fuck me in secret?" "." "God!" "You see, on the one hand, that massively gives me the horn." "But on the other hand... it kind of makes me want to cry." "And the wanting to cry's making my horn go soft." "Because it turns out tears beats horn in a game of rock, paper, tears, scissors, horn." "I'm sorry, Josie." "I don't think I can do this." " I really don't." " Well..." "So, Vod's disappeared, along with my future and my relationship with my mum." "What, Vod's run away from responsibility?" "." "Never!" "I can't believe it!" "Well, it's irresponsible and I hate her for it, but I can sort of see the logic." "Oi, Kingsley - it's not happening, is it?" "." " (sighs)" " Everyone hates you because of Vodstock" " and it's totally ruining my big day!" " Don't worry, we'll be safe in London." "The, er, back wall's got barbed wire on it." "OK, right, I have been picking up vibes, so I'm just gonna ask outright." "Do you all want to live with me in our new house in Colliers Wood" " or don't you?" "." " JOSlE:" "Er..." "I'm a fully-fledged human adult" " and I deserve to be treated as such!" " (MURMURlNG)" " I don't think so." " It was mental." "Well, thank you for telling me the truth." "University is over!" "We are over!" "The dream is dead!" "I'm gonna buy a small plot of land in Colliers Wood and... bury the dream!" "(ANGRY CHATTER)" "Yeah, I think that might not be the only thing getting buried." "girl:" "Yeah, a scam." "JP:" "I knew these gowns would be great for running!" "JOSlE:" "Fucking Vod!" "OK, so we flush, pack and run, right?" "." "Great!" "More running!" "I'm getting in my car." "I mean, sitting there and waiting for you!" "Oh!" "Fucking Vod!" " What's going on?" "." " Are we being burgled?" "." "In a very orderly fashion?" "." "Um..." "I'm putting your stuff in the cellar for safekeeping." "Look... (CLEARS THROAT)" "I don't have any family." "I mean, I do, but they're shit, so..." "you're my family and I fucked it with you." "And I'm gonna put it right, so I have pulled in a couple of favours and Vodstock is now Houseapalooza!" "We're having the party right here, losers!" "We're throwing a party for 1,000 people in a house designed for six?" "." "JP:" "No!" "This is my house!" " My nest egg!" " We've got a garden." "Could work." "Could it work?" "." "I want it to work!" " Might not work." " Are we all up for this?" "." "No!" "Right, well, I'm gonna take that as a yes, cos I've just put the details on the internet." "Then take them off the internet!" "I can't!" "I don't have the, um, internet scraper!" "Can I say again?" "." "No!" "Look, Kingo, music?" "." "Jose?" "." "Stealing pint glasses?" "." "Howard..." "Security." "No - meet and greet!" " Not my ideal role." " VOD:" "I don't care!" "Have a look at this." "Holy shit!" " There are people!" " (CLAMOUR outside)" "You've got the wrong house!" "Try nex door!" " (knocking ON DOOR)" " We're vegans!" "MAN:" "Is this Vodstock?" "." "A fucking house?" ".!" "JP, Vodstock can't be stopped!" " (knocking ON DOOR)" " You can do this, Howie." "(GENTLE celtic music)" "(DRUM AND BASS music begins)" "Come in!" "Remember - no sex in the garden!" "I'm kidding!" "Everyone's gonna have sex in the garden!" "Don't go in the garden!" "(# CONGO NATTY:" "Code Red (94 Mix))" "All music, all the time - you're listening to Kingsley Owen in his own house." "Just letting the playlist of the century roll out over you." "Coming up, a little bit of grime in the trap stylee." "Don't dance, just quiver." " Maybe just play the music, yeah?" "." " Yeah." "(music POUNDS)" "HOWARD:" "OK, guys, er, watch yourselves, there is bass all over the place and, er, bits of the roof also." "OK, so, er, nex in, guys - let's get this party...continued!" "Charlie?" "." " (CREAKlNG) - (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)" " Definitely!" " Really?" ".!" "(PHONE BEEPS)" "Drowning my sorrows." "Aren't you supposed to be downstairs?" "." "I'm just a bit worried the ceiling might come down before I get the chance to pack all my stuff." "Kingsley, I'm gonna kiss you." "Er..." "What?" "." "What happens if we were always supposed to be together?" "." "We need to check if we have chemistry." "OK, I'm gonna call that a no." "Was that...?" "." "Just a chemistry experiment." "Oh, right." " Any good?" "." " No!" "I just need to check one thing." "JP?" "." " He's a dick, isn't he?" "." " Yeah, he is, but...you know..." " for a dick, he's surprisingly all right." " (CHUCKLES)" "But I..." "I would love it if you didn't go out with him." " (music POUNDS) - (WHlSTLlNG AND whooping)" "Sorry, pal." "No trainers." "I'm kidding!" "Ha-ha!" "We'll let anyone in!" "Even him!" "Huh?" ".!" " Just messing with you, Ben!" " VOD:" "Ben!" "Howard?" "." "There's something weird about you." "You seem less weird." " Which is weird!" " Thank you." "After studying you lot for years, it would seem that I can now appear normal." "Like a psychopath?" "." "Yes, like a benign psychopath." " Mmm!" " Life is good!" "Mad love to the lady bitches and the man bitches!" "Gimme your tix then get in and get your fix!" " Maybe take it down a notch?" "." " Not a problem." "All right?" "." "All right?" "." "All right?" "." "Right, you need a coaster!" "Come on!" "Take one of these, pass them on!" " (KLAXON BLARES)" " Let's coaster up, people!" "Hey!" "Oi!" "Get down off that window!" "Oi!" "Are you smoking?" "." "That's illegal!" "Put it out now or I will make a citizen's arrest!" " Oh, my God!" "Vod!" " (cracking)" "That massive crack on the wall - that was here before, right?" "." "Yeah!" "Yeah, I definitely seem to remember the massive crack in the wall." "So..." "The last hurrah." "Hurrah!" "You up for a good time tonight?" "." "Er...what?" "." "You probably look at me and think, "Bit of a posh twat,"" "but I'm a good guy." "Like, yeah, I'm tough on JP, but..." "It's tough love, because I care about my little brother." " Yeah?" "." " Yeah." "Is that why you're hitting on his..." " housemate?" "." " Ha-ha!" "It's probably cos you're incredibly hot." "And I'm incredibly horny." "So what do you say to, er...to getting jiggy?" "." "I say, politely... fuck off!" "Back off, Tomothy, you're being a prick!" "Dude, I'm not sure you wanna talk like that to your soon-to-be boss!" "You're not my boss!" "And you never will be!" "And you know why?" "." "Because I don't want your job!" "I don't want to do a horrible job that I don't like!" "(LAUGHS) Er, sorry, pal, no-one does." "You just joined Real World Soc." "And it's a terrible Soc!" "And you have to go to all the meetings!" "And you can never leave!" "Or join any other Socs, so suck it up!" "OK?" "." "I've decided I want to do something else." " Like what, for fuck's sake?" "." " I don't know!" "Josie was telling me that maybe I could become a cartoonist." " (SCOFFS) A cartoonist?" "." " Mm-hm!" "Jesus!" "Right now, Dad is spinning in his grave!" "But maybe you could draw a cartoon of him in his grave and add little movement lines to indicate the direction of his spinning!" "Well, whatever!" "That was just one idea!" "But I've decided to dream the impossible dream and follow my dream of making it real!" "(LAUGHS) Oh, God, JP, listen to yourself!" "You sound like Les Mis!" "Good!" "I bloody love Les Mis!" "And you know what?" ".!" "I am master of the house!" "And you can fuck off out of it!" " What, is that Les Mis?" "." " Yes!" "It is!" "So, go on!" "Fuck off!" "I feel so compelled to sing right now!" " Don't ruin it." " OK!" "(# DEADMAU5  WOLFGANG GARTER:" "Animal Rights)" "Listen, if my brother tries to come back in here, then..." "What's going on?" "." "House meeting!" "I don't think the house is safe!" "The ceiling!" "It's the playlist?" "." "It's too strong?" "." "No, it...it's too many people." "It's the party!" "It's too good!" "It's drawing people from all round like a brilliant NHS dentist!" " (RUMBLlNG)" " I need to do more chemistry tests." "JP:" "No!" "I want this party to last forever!" "Fuck my house!" "It's my last remaining asset, but I want it to come tumbling down like the Walls of Jericho!" "I love you guys!" " (SlRENS wail outside)" " Let's all just fuck!" " (helicopter WHlRS outside) - (SlRENS continue)" "Po-po!" "Right, everyone!" "I'm not sure I've ever said this before, but this party's over!" " Everyone, out!" " (SlRENS BLARE)" "(train RUMBLES PAST)" "KlNGSLEY:" "Fuck." "So this is it?" "." "HOWARD:" "Yes." "It is over." "I'm going to London to put Ordnance Survey on the map." "Joke." "And I've found a three-person house share in Harpenden." "I will befriend them." "Small talk, bang." "Shared meal, bang." "Mutual DVD-watching, bang." "They don't stand a chance." "I'll pick them off one by one," "like an amicable sniper." "My dream of writing a novel is in ashes." "Like in Angela's Ashes." "Maybe." "I don't know." "I haven't read it." "Yeah, well, who's Tony Shales?" "." "The only person who knows how to write a novel?" "." "I mean, is he the only one who knows where the end goes?" "." "What, you mean... write a novel...without a course?" "." "Shit!" "You've got plenty to write about." "I'm gonna write a novel." "Without a course." "About what's happened." "Cos I mean, when you think about it," "I've practically already written a novel." "All I have to do is just write it down." "Oh, my God." "This is gonna be amazing." "I'm gonna set it in Laos." "OK." "Cos then it'll be interesting!" " Have you been?" "." " No." "And that will be what makes it so interesting." "I don't want it to be over." "Sorry, Jose." "I can't hear you?" "." "I think that we should maybe give this a try." "Why?" "." "Because you like me now?" "." "Mm-hm." "Sorry, what?" "." "I'm not gonna say that I love you, because I don't fucking love you." "Good." "Because..." "I don't love you either." "But I am willing to admit that JP is quite... nice." "Drop the "quite" and we have a deal." "Hey, guys?" "." "Jose has got something she'd like to share with the group." "Have I?" "." "Yes." "You do." "Something she wants to shout out so that all of Manchester can hear." "Fine." "I think... that JP is quite all right, probably." "OTHERS:" "Ooh!" "Hey, can you also shout that... (whispers)" "No!" "Because that's disgusting." "But I do think that we should give a long-distance relationship a try." "Cos...they often work out." "Right, guys?" "." " Yeah." " Yeah!" "Like, these days, yeah." "You know, I think I'm finally beginning to accept you for who you really are." "Good." "Because  I've decided I'm not a cartoonist." "I'm going to become an estate agent." "And work for Foxons." "And if I'm really lucky, get one of those cool Minis." "Good..." "Great." "That's interesting." "You told me to follow my dream," " and I am." " Yes." "I mean, I did think that your dream might be to be an artist," " but..." " Nope." "Broom-broom, beep-beep, percentage of the purchase price, please." "What about you, Kings?" "." "Oh, well, my internship's unpaid, so I'm gonna be living back with my lovely, inescapable mum." "Don't be silly, Nutsack." "You can come live with me." "Rent-free." "How do you feel about that, Kingsley?" "." "Living with an estate agent in Chelsea." "An estate agent who is your ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend." "The thing is, that is actually too good an offer to refuse, so...yes, thank you." "I would love that." "Awesome!" "And then when Jose comes down to stay, it'll be just like old times, eh?" "." "Yeah." "Listen." "I think I might go." "To Laos." "And, um..." "I'd love you to come with me." "Particularly as I don't properly know where it is." "I could write, and you could teach English as a foreign language." "Sounds pretty good." "Now that I've run my own festival, I could also run Burning Man." "Yeah." "(conversation RECEDES)" "How long's it gonna take you to get back to Scotland?" "." "Scotland?" "." "I don't live in Scotland." "I live in Manchester." "My, er, mum and dad's house is two streets away." "What?" ".!" "Why did you never say anything?" "." "Because they're excruciatingly embarrassing." " Are you ready, Howard?" "." " Yes, Dad." " It's lovely to meet you all." " Embarrassing." " Heard so much about you!" " Painful." "If you're ever up this way again," " do drop by for some tea and cake." " ldiotic!" "Yes." "My parents are cliches." "Hey." "So, er... bye." "You gonna be OK?" "." "Yeah." "I'll be fine." "I'm gonna ask Sabine to live with me nex year." "Purge myself of all my class and racial prejudice." "Bye." "OK." "Bye." "# We were sleeping in for years" "# Letting go of our friends" "# Scaring our friends" "# We were seeing clearer closing our eyes" "# And our lashes intertwined" "# Do I lie in the backseat" "# Of your mind?" "." "# Just a second" "# And we're gone" "# Just an imprint" "# When we're done" "# Just a second and we're gone" "# Just an imprint when we're done" "# It should be forever" "# God told me" "# We're born into the wrong time" "# It should be forever" "# God told me" "# We're born into the wrong time" "# It should be forever" "# God told me... #"