"It's absolutely intolerable." " Yes, Minister." " Quite so, Minister." "Each separate department about to order different word-processing equipment, and I persuaded them to place one big central order for everyone - big enough for UK manufacturers to invest in systems development." " Yes, Minister." " I don't have to tell you." "No, Minister." "Months of negotiation and we were on the eve of a press announcement:" ""Hacker's massive investment in modern technology."" ""Jim's vote of confidence in British industry."" ""'Britain can make it,' says Jim."" "Quite so." "And now this directive from Brussels saying all EEC members must conform to some niggling European word-processing standards;" "that we have to agree to the plans of committees at the forthcoming European Word-Processing Conference in Brussels." "Well, say something!" " Yes, Minister." " Quite so." "Is that all?" "I'm afraid that's the penalty we pay for pretending we're Europeans." "I fully understand your hostility to Europe." "I'm not like you, Humphrey." "I'm pro-Europe, just anti-Brussels." "I sometimes think you're anti-Europe and pro-Brussels." "I'm neither pro- nor anti- anything." "I'm merely a humble vessel for the fruits of your deliberations." "It could be argued that given the absurdity of the European idea, that Brussels does its best to defend the indefensible" " and make the unworkable work." " That's not true, Humphrey!" "Without sounding pompous, we must avoid narrow national self-interest." " It doesn't sound pompous..." " Good." "Merely inaccurate." "Listen, humble vessel," "Europe is a community of nations dedicated towards one goal." "May we share the joke?" "Minister, let's look at this objectively." "It's a game played for national interests." "Why did we go into it?" "To strengthen the free Western nations." "We went in to screw the French by splitting them from the Germans." " Why did the French go in?" " To protect their farmers from competition." " And the Germans?" " To cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for re-admission to the human race." "I've never heard such cynicism!" "The small nations didn't join for selfish reasons." "Really?" "Luxembourg is in it for the perks." "The EEC capital, all that foreign money pouring in." "A sensible central location." "With the administration in Brussels and the Parliament in Strasbourg?" "Minister!" "It's like having the Commons in Swindon and the Civil Service in Kettering!" "Why do other nations try to get in?" "Take the Greeks..." "I find it difficult to take the Greeks, open-minded as I am about foreigners." "They'll want an olive mountain and a retsina lake." "I don't accept this!" "I'm sorry." "I suppose some of your best friends are Greeks?" "Very droll." "The problem isn't internationalism but too much bureaucracy." "The bureaucracy is a consequence of the internationalism." "Why else is there an English Commissioner, a French Director-General below him, an Italian Chef-du-Division and so on?" " It's like the Tower of Babel." " I agree." " Like the United Nations." " I agree." "If I may interject?" "You are in fact in agreement." "No, we're not." "They say the average Common Market official has the organising ability of the Italians, the flexibility of the Germans, the modesty of the French, the imagination of the Belgians, the generosity of the Dutch and the intelligence of the Irish!" " It's all a gravy train!" " How do you mean?" "They live on champagne and caviar." "Chauffer-driven Mercedes, private aeroplanes." "Every official has his snout in the trough, and most of them their trotters as well!" "Oh, I beg to differ." "Brussels is full of hard-working public servants enduring exhausting travel and tedious entertainment." "Working their way through smoked salmon, forcing back all that champagne!" " You're blaming the wrong people." " What do you mean?" "One of your Cabinet colleagues warned Brussels of your plan for bulk buying, which is why the directive appeared so quickly." "Cabinet colleagues?" "Don't tell me!" "Bloody Corbett again!" "When I think of Corbett, I warm to Judas Iscariot!" "Yes, it was the Secretary of State for Trade and Industry." "Treacherous, disloyal, arrogant, self-opinionated, publicity-seeking creep!" "I'm sorry if that sounds harsh." "Compared to what his Permanent Secretary says, that's a generous tribute." " How did he do it?" " Who knows?" "The evening paper, Minister." "Whenever Corbett comes near me, I feel stabbing pains in the back." "Why did you give me this, Bernard?" " Just there." " Oh, yes." "Good God!" "Cabinet reshuffle!" ""It's rumoured that the PM will announce important Cabinet changes" ""before the end of the present session."" "Why didn't I know about this?" "How do they know?" "Is this true?" "I'm only a humble civil servant, I do not move in such exalted circles as Cabinet Ministers and journalists." " But is it true?" " Yes." "How do you know?" "I mean, it's true that it's rumoured." "A Cabinet reshuffle!" "I've hardly started to do the things that I... we..." "Perhaps you won't be moved, Minister." "Ah..." "If I'm not, it means my career isn't moving forward as it should." "At least it's not moving backwards." "Backwards?" "You don't mean...?" "Good God!" "But I..." "It's not..." "I mean, it's..." "I've been doing all right, haven't I?" " We've done all right?" " You've done all right." " We've done all right?" " Yes, Minister." "I may not be the outstanding success of this administration, but I'm not a failure." " You've done all right." " I've been quite successful." "If Martin were moved to the Treasury, I could get the Foreign Office!" "Perhaps you might." " You don't sound very certain." " I'm not." " What have you heard?" " Nothing, it's why I'm not certain." " Why does Bob Carver know?" " Perhaps he has the PM's ear." " He's in the PM's pocket." " Then the PM must have a large ear." "Right, well..." "Let's not worry about it any more." " We'll say no more about it." " Yes, Minister." "I mean, no, Minister." "There's no point worrying about it, is there?" " Nothing to worry about, is there?" " No, Minister." "Shall we attend the Brussels conference?" "We should." "But if the PM should move Fred...?" "Shall we attend the conference in Brussels?" " What?" " Word-processing." "Ah!" "Well, does it take place before or after the reshuffle?" " Who can say?" " Well, no." "I've known this happen before." "One day you're out of your office, the next you're out of office." "This is no time for an idiotic foreign junket!" "Minister, you mustn't allow the reshuffle to prey on your mind." "It's not preying on my mind." " I'm not thinking any more about it." " Splendid." "Meet me at 6 o'clock in the House of shuffles... cards..." "Commons." " Good evening, Sir Humphrey." " Good evening, Major." "Arnold, when will we know about the reshuffle?" "A little while yet." "Any news yet about my department?" "I'm only Cabinet Secretary, not political correspondent of the New Standard." "But how does my Minister stand?" "I think the PM feels he's done all right." "But there's been an interesting development." " Mmm?" " Mmm." "Aahh!" "What?" "Brussels have asked if he'd be available for the next commissionership, if he wanted it." "After all, he's a good European." "In strict confidence, of course." "Is he being gently eased out?" "Sir Humphrey, Sir Arnold." "There you are, Bernard." "Right." "Would you like a coffee, Bernard?" " Thank you." " Pull up a chair." "Well, Bernard, how do you feel about having a new Minister?" " You mean, he's..." " No, Sir Humphrey is conjecturing." "Ah, of course, I'd be very sorry." "Er..." "Why?" "Wouldn't you?" "Of course not!" " But he's getting a grip on the job." " Exactly!" "Ministers with a grip on the job are a nuisance." " They argue." " All Ministers argue." "If they have a grip on the job, there's a real danger they'll be right." "One tells them something is impossible and they dig out an old paper in which one had said it was easy - very tedious." "Once they've gone, one can wipe the slate clean and start with a new boy." "Wonderful things, reshuffles." "And Prime Ministers like them too." "Fresh, decisive, keeps everyone on the hop." "Only Ministers panic about them." "Wouldn't it be interesting if Ministers were fixed and Permanent Secretaries were shuffled around." "That, Bernard, would strike at the very heart of the system that has made Britain what she is today." "Power goes with permanence." " Impermanence is impotence." " Rotation is castration." "It's time they all had a little spin." "Yes, but surely in a democracy..." "Thank you, Bernard, that'll be all." " Yes, but I've only..." " Thank you, Bernard." "Yes, thank you, Sir Humphrey." "Good night, Sir Arnold." "If your Minister does take Brussels, I wouldn't get out the champagne too soon." " What do you mean?" " There is talk of his possible successor." "Who?" "I don't know how to put this, but, well Basil Corbett." "What's the matter, darling?" "Jim?" " Jim!" " I'm sorry." " Something wrong?" " No, nothing, really." "Something is." "The papers are full of a reshuffle." " Are they true?" " I don't know." " You're in the Cabinet." " We're the last to find out." " Can't you ask the PM?" " Of course not." " Why not?" " Well..." "I just can't." " It would look as if I were insecure." " I see." "I don't know whether it's good or bad news, whether I'm up or down." "Or round and round." "I don't know whether I'm a success or failure." " What do you think?" " I think you've done all right." " Is that good enough?" " I don't know." " I don't know, is it?" " I don't know." "It's difficult to tell." "The PM might think I've been too successful." "You know, a challenge to the leadership." "You?" "!" "No, not me, but Martin with my support." "If the PM is standing by to repel boarders, and Martin can't be got rid of safely, which he can't as Foreign Secretary, I'm the obvious one for demotion." " Isolate Martin." " Where would you be sent?" "There's no shortage of useless non-jobs." "Lord President, Lord Privy Seal..." "Minister of Sport with special responsibility for droughts and floods." "Maybe you'll get promotion, darling." "Maybe..." "Don't forget there's Basil Corbett." " He's out to get me." " To get everyone." "He's a smooth-tongued, hard-nosed, cold-eyed, two-faced creep." "Why's he so successful?" "Because he's a smooth-tongued, hard-nosed, cold-eyed, two-faced creep." " Apart from that?" " He looks OK on TV." " So do you!" " Do I?" " Yes!" " Really mean that?" " Yes." " What a nice thing to say!" "I've got to elbow Corbett or he'll elbow me." "Elbows, the most important weapon in a politician's armoury." " Other than integrity." " Integrity?" "!" "Yes?" "Who's speaking?" "Hold on." "It's Gaston Larousse from Brussels." "From Brussels?" "Bonsoir, Commissionaire..." "Commissar..." "Si..." "That's very interesting." "I shall need a little time to think about it." "I'm very honoured." "Does Numero Dix know you're talking to me about this?" "Number 10." "Downing Street." "I see..." "Tell you what, give me your home telephone number." "Yes..." "I'll give you a ring very soon." "Thank you very much, goodbye." "What was that?" " I don't know." " What do you mean?" "They want my name put forward as one of Britain's commissioners for the EEC." " What does it mean?" " Living in Brussels." "No, I mean, what does it mean?" "Number 10 knows, so is it a plot to ease me out?" "Is it just a coincidence?" "What does it mean?" "Is it a hint?" "Is the PM giving me a face-saving exit?" "Or was the post coming up anyway?" "It's a great honour... in a way." " Is it a good job?" " Terrible." "It's curtains as far as British politics is concerned." "It's worse than a peerage." "Absolute failure, total failure." "You're reduced to forming a new party if ever you want to get back." "What does the job involve?" "You're at the heart of that ghastly Brussels bureaucracy, the gravy train." "50,000 a year salary, 20,000 a year expenses." "Champagne, lobsters, foreign travel, luxury hotel private limousines, private aircraft siestas in the afternoon long weekends at Knocke-le-Zoute..." " We should go over and have a look." " Why not?" "Sometimes we deserve a bit of failure." "Going to be a reshuffle, sir?" "Yes, I suppose you saw that in the Standard." " Yes, sir." " So did I, actually." "I first heard it a couple of weeks ago, sir." " Did you?" " Yes, sir." "So did I, really." "Where did you hear it?" " All the drivers knew." " How?" "From the PM's driver." " The Cabinet Secretary's driver." " Oh, yes." " What else did they hear?" " Just the usual." "Corbett's in line for promotion, PM can't overlook him." "Apparently, old Fred - the Employment Secretary, sorry, sir - he's going to get kicked upstairs." " How do they know?" " His driver's been re-assigned." "What's the gossip about me?" "Well, nothing really, sir." " Nothing?" " No." "We don't know what to make of that." " You'll know, won't you, sir?" " Yes, of course." "Sometimes it's difficult to know about oneself." "You, know, just how successful..." "What do your mates say... about...?" "They all think you've done all right, sir." " I'm in a bit of a quandary." " Can I help, Minister?" "It's this reshuffle that's on the cards." "That's very witty, Minister!" "I'm sorry, I thought you were making a..." "Do please carry on." "To complicate matters, I've been asked to be an EEC Commissioner." " Very nice." " Is it nice, Bernard?" "Bernard, tell me, quite frankly as Minister here, do you think I've done all right?" "You've done all right." "Humphrey's blocked me on so many issues." "He's never really been on my side." "To be honest, "all right" isn't really good enough, is it?" "Well, it's... all right." "Have you... er... heard anything... on the grapevine?" "About you?" "Nothing really, Minister, no." "Only that the British Commissioner in Europe sent a telegram to the FCO and the Cabinet Committee on Europe." "The idea for you to be a Commissioner came from Brussels, but it is a Prime Ministerial appointment." "The PM discussed it with the Foreign Secretary and the Cabinet Secretary and cleared the way for you to be sounded out." "As it's believed at Number 10 and Number 11 that you might accept, a colleague has been sounded out about becoming Minister here." "I'm afraid that's all I know." "No more than that?" "Which colleague has been sounded out to take my place?" "Bernard, if I were not to go to Europe..." "No, if I did go..." "No, if I were not to go to Europe, would I go up or down?" "Time for your meeting with Sir Humphrey, Minister." " Yes, fine." " What's it about?" "The visit to the word-processing conference." "The word-processing conference?" "Humphrey, you'll be pleased to hear that I've changed my mind," "I shall be going to Brussels after all." "You're resigning from the Department?" "!" "No, I'm talking about this word-processing conference." " I see." " I would like to see Brussels." " Why?" " Why not?" "Why not, indeed, but why?" " I'm a curious person." " You certainly are." "I've been a little hasty." "Your arguments on behalf of Brussels were thoroughly convincing." "Minister, I've been reflecting on your views, and I find wisdom in your criticism of Brussels." " You implied it is corrupt and..." " No, no, no." " Minister, please..." " No, Humphrey." "It is you who have convinced me." "I'm now convinced that Brussels is full of dedicated men, all bearing a heavy burden of travel and entertainment." "They need all that luxury." "The odd drinky!" "Caviar and champagne, private planes, air-conditioned Mercedes?" "It oils the diplomatic wheels." "Snouts in the trough." " That's not an attractive phrase." " I'm sorry." "I can't think where I picked it up!" "We'll all go to this conference, agreed?" " Is your change of heart due to my arguments?" " Of course." "It's nothing to do with the rumour of you being offered a post in Brussels?" "That thought is not worthy of you." "There is such a thing as integrity." "Oh, yes, thank you." "Corbett!" "You can't let someone like Corbett..." "You simply can't let Corbett loose on the department." "It'd be disastrous." "Everything one says to Corbett appears in the Sun the next morning." "Glad to know you read the Sun." "You must stop it, Arnold, I implore you." "I'm not the Prime Minister." "It is really you who arranges the reshuffles." "No, if there's an appointment the PM is set on, the Cabinet Secretary must reluctantly acquiesce." "You do keep your hand on the tiller." "If Hacker decides to turn down Brussels, it would be easier to keep Corbett away from your department." "This is the trouble, he'll take Brussels." " Oh." " Yes, I know." "He says he believes in the European ideal." "Yes, I know, I know." "Politicians get taken in by their own speeches." "This is partly your fault." "You've blocked Hacker time and again." "Only in the interests of good government, Arnold." "Quite." "But what you need is for Hacker to have a big success in the next few days." " A big success?" " Yes." "The next few days?" "That would give me, give the PM, a good case for keeping him here." "Then, we might be able to move Corbett to Employment." "Is Fred definitely going?" "Yes, he keeps falling asleep in Cabinet." "I thought they all did." "Yes, but not while they're actually talking." " Ah, Humphrey!" "Any news?" " Of what, Minister?" " The Cabinet reshuffle." " No." "Didn't you have lunch with the Cabinet Secretary?" " Yes." " What came up?" "Nothing as yet!" "All I know is the reshuffle will be announced on Monday." " Have you any news?" " Of what?" "The Commissionship." "Are you going to Brussels?" "Well..." "Speaking with my Parliamentary hat on, I don't think it would be a good idea." "With my Cabinet hat on, it would be a good idea." "Again, with my party hat on, there could be arguments on both sides." "Which hat are you talking through now?" " Have you decided about going to Brussels?" " Yes and no." " What are the pros and cons, Minister?" " I don't know." "I haven't said this before, but it depends on whether I've done all right." "What do you think?" "You've done all right." "If I've done all right, that's all right," "I shall stay because I'll be all right." "But if I've only done all right, to stay would be wrong, right?" "Minister, to be on the safe side, you need a big success." " Yes." " A triumph, in fact." "You need some personal publicity for some great political achievement." " What have you in mind?" " I'm trying to think of something." "Thank you, that's a great help." "What's the purpose?" "Something did come up at lunch." "Sir Arnold feels that with this triumph, the PM couldn't move you downwards, and Bernard and I might have the good fortune of you staying on with us." "So there's no chance of moving up?" "Ooh..." "Sadly, Minister, alas." " One must be a realist." " Oh, well." "That's it, it's got to be Brussels." "No, wait a minute." "I've got an idea." "Supposing you ignore the EEC." "Publish your own plans for word-processing machines with big orders for British manufacturers starting immediately." "Tomorrow." "Certainly before Monday." "Involving more jobs, more investment." " More export orders." " More votes." "Yes, when the time comes." " We can't defy an EEC directive." " It isn't a directive." "It hasn't been ratified, it's merely a request." "We can't stab our partners in the back and spit in their face." "You can't stab anyone in the back while spitting in their face." "On the other hand, defying Brussels would be..." "Very popular!" "And prove I had elbows." "What?" "Elbows, elbows!" " But..." " But what?" "I'd have to give up all that..." " Trough." " Right." "When it comes down to it, one's own country must come first." "How true." "And, although, strictly, this isn't a Government matter," "I, personally, would be deeply sorry to lose you." "Really, Humphrey, is that true?" "Yes, I mean that, Minister, most sincerely." "I suppose we have got fond of one another." " In a way." " In a way, yes." "Like a terrorist and his hostage." "Which is the terrorist?" "He is!" "Right, OK, Bernard, that's the decision." "Inform the press!" "Tell me, Humphrey, who would have got my position if I'd gone to Brussels?" "I don't know..." "Didn't you tell me it was Basil Corbett?" "Basil Corbett?" "!" "I see, Basil Corbett." "Yes, Minister."