"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "More coffee, dear?" "Ricky, you want some more coffee?" "Are your eggs all right, dear?" "Are your eggs..." ""How are your eggs, Lucy?"" ""Oh, they're just fine, thank you."" ""Would you care for some more coffee?"" ""Oh, no, thanks." "It's just right, thank you."" ""You're a wonderful cook."" ""Oh!" "Do you really think so?" "Oh, thank you."" ""Would you care for sugar in your coffee?"" ""Oh, well, thank you, don't mind if I do."" "You are back there, aren't you?" "(knocking at door)" "Answer it, dear." "(knocking continues)" "Good morning, is the lady of the house in?" "Luce...!" "What are you doing out there?" "The least you could do is stay here and have breakfast with your husband in the morning." "Oh, I only got ten minutes to get to rehearsal." "Bye, honey." "I'll see you for dinner." "'Morning, Lucy." "(angrily):" "Hello!" "(pots and cups clattering)" "How are things?" "Just fine." "What's the matter, aren't you hungry?" "Somebody's disposition got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." "Did you and Ricky have words?" "We had words all right, but they were all mine." "I'm sick and tired of eating breakfast opposite a newspaper." "Does Ricky hide behind his newspaper in the morning?" "He certainly does!" "Does he ignore you and refuse to answer questions?" "Exactly." "Well, this is a case for Dr. Humphries." "Dr. Who-phries?" "Dr. Humphries-- he just wrote a book called How to Keep the Honeymoon From Ending." "ls that a "Book of the Week" selection?" " Uh-huh." " We have that book." "Well, you should read it." "Why?" "What could Dr. Humphries possibly know about Ricky?" "I'll show you." "Where's the book?" "Over there on the desk, I guess." "Well, now..." "let's see." "Here: "Chapter One:" "When Love is on the Wane." ""Often after the first years of marriage," ""the husband seems to lose interest in the wife." ""He reads the paper at the breakfast table." ""He doesn't answer when you talk to him." ""In short, he doesn't seem to know you are alive."" "I wonder where Dr. Humphries ever met Ricky." ""More than likely, this unfortunate condition is the fault of the wife."" "What?" "!" "That's a lot of nonsense." ""Contrary to what some wives may think, this is not a lot of nonsense."" "Well." ""Research shows that this condition starts" ""when the wife becomes careless" ""about her appearance." ""Let her ask herself these questions:" ""Does she come to breakfast with her hair in curlers?"" ""ls she sloppy in her attire?"" ""Does she forget to make up her face?"" ""ls the answer to these questions 'Yes'?" ""Then it is time for the wife to do something about it."" "What?" ""Dress up for your husband at breakfast." ""Be glamorous and sophisticated." ""Make yourself so attractive," ""he not only will pay attention to you during breakfast, he won't even want to leave for the office."" "I'll do it." "Tomorrow morning, I'll be simply dazzling." "Good morning, Ricky darling." "More coffee, Ricky darling?" "Sugar, dear?" "Cream?" "Jam on your toast, sweetheart?" "I want a divorce." "That's nice, dear." "Fuego!" "Fuego!" "Fuego!" "Lucy. get out!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "What's the matter with you?" "You crazy or something?" "Look at me." " Well?" " Well?" "You don't look so good." "Let me see your tongue." "Say "Ah."" "Ah." "I think you'd better go and see a doctor." "There's nothing the matter with me." "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure." "Well, thank goodness." "Good-bye, sweetheart." "Got to go." "But Ricky..." "Oh, Ethel and that stale book of hers." "Hello." "Hello, Ethel, what you doing?" "I'm eating a donut." "Well, come on up here and have coffee with me, will you?" "What are you talking about?" "I can't understand you;" "will you talk into the phone?" "What?" "Oh, hi, Ethel, I'll be with you in a minute." "I got to hang up now, Ethel, Ethel's here." "(screams)" "I've been here all along." "Oh." "Gee, you look great." "Thank you." "Well, is everything okeydokey?" "No, everything is inky-stinky." "What happened?" "Nothing!" "He didn't even notice me." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I can't imagine why it didn't work." "Well, let's see what Dr. Humphries has to say." "Oh, forget that tired Dr. Humphries." "What does he know?" ""Be glamorous in the morning." ""Be sophisticated." "This method cannot fail."" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Now, just a minute." "Let's look at chapter two." ""If the method in chapter one fails--"" "And it did." ""If the method in chapter one fails, you should next try the 'Be a Pal' system."" ""'Be a Pal' system"?" ""Share your husband's interests." ""Join in his hobbies." ""If he hunts, take up hunting." ""If he fishes, take up fishing." "If he golfs, take up golfing."" "Ricky plays poker-- I'll have to take up poking." "Hey, Ricky's playing tonight, isn't he?" "Yeah, with Fred and the boys down in our apartment." "I'm joining that game." "Attagirl." "Oh, wait a minute." "I don't know how to play poker." "So what?" "I can teach you in a couple of hours." "Okay, how do we start?" "Well, it's a lot like hearts, only you bet and there isn't any old maid." "Aces and tens." "Hold it, Curly." "Three ladies." "Your deal, Charlie." "Hiya, fellas." "Hiya, Charlie." "Hiya, Hank." "Hello." "Lucy, what's going on?" "Well, thought I'd join the game, if you guys don't mind." "CHARLIE:" "Well..." "What goes?" "Look, honey, we'd love to play with you, but you don't know how to play poker." "Oh, yes, I do." "Ethel taught me this afternoon." "Oh, no!" "Honey, please, now, we're trying..." "I'll just sit right in here." "Could you move over a bit, Hank?" "Thanks a lot." "Thank you." "You mind, Hank?" "Not really." "You fellas?" "I guess not." "Well, go on." "Deal the cards, Charlie." "Deal 'em!" "I don't have any of those little round things." "Here, I'll finance you." "Oh, is this money?" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "A queen." "There's her sister." "Honey, you're supposed to keep your cards a secret." "Oh." "Ooh!" "What'd you get, Fred?" "What'd you get?" "Well, I shouldn't talk, but you can tell your two Andrews Sisters not to wait up for Laverne." "I'll open for two." "I'm in." "(clears throat)" "Honey, if you want to stay in the pot, you've got to put in two chips." "Oh, oh." "Cards?" " Two." " Two." "Three for me, please." "Three." "(clears throat)" "How many cards you want, Lucy?" "Oh, do I get more?" "Honey, you've got to get rid of your worst cards in order to get new ones." "Oh, my!" "This is a problem." "Honey, please, you're holding up the game." "Well, I can't decide whether to throw away my two queens or my three kings." "What are you doing that for?" "'Cause as much as we hate to admit it, you won." "I did?" "Hey, this is fun." "You deal, Hank." "I think I'll deal this one, fellas." "Lucy, it's his..." "I'll fix ii." " You got your five?" " Yeah." "I got my five." "Everybody got their cards?" "Thank you." "There." "I open for two." "I'm in." "I'll stay." "Oh, excuse me." "I'm in." "(clears throat)" "Oh." "Cards, honey." "Cards, please." "Oh." "No, the other way around, dear." "I'm fine." "You look tired." "Two." "Two." "Three for me, please." "I'll take four." "(clears throat)" "I bet three." "I'm out." "Me, too." "I'm folding." "How about you, Peeping Tom?" "Well, I'll bet five." "Oh, you're raising me?" "I am?" "There's your raise, and I'll raise you two." "Well, there's your raise, and I'll raise you three." "There's your raise, and I'll raise you four." "Well, there's your raise, and I'll raise you..." "Ricky?" "What?" "Run over it for me, will you?" "Run over what?" "You know, what beats what." "Two pairs beat a pair." "Go on." "Three of a kind beats two pair." "Go on." "MEN:" "A straight beats three of a kind." "Go on." "A flush beats a straight." "Go on." "A full house beats a flush." "Go on." "Four of a kind beats a full house." "That's the one!" "They're all yours." "Whee!" "(whistles)" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Oh, boy." "Honey, just out of curiosity what were your four of a kind?" "Oh, I didn't have four of a kind," "I had a pair." "(groans)" "Sure... see?" "Two nines." "Lucy?" "Yeah." "This one is a nine..." "Uh-huh." "And this one is a six." "(groans)" "Oh, what do you know about that." "I didn't even have a pair." "Isn't that funny?" "Gee, this is fun." "Let's play a wild game." "Everything wild but the old maid." "Oh, forget that book, will you?" "As far as I'm concerned," "Dr. Humphries can go jump-phrey." "This morning, Ricky didn't even speak to me." "He hasn't been speaking to you in the morning for weeks." "Well, it was the way he didn't speak to me this morning." "And Dr. Humphries knows why." ""Chapter three:" "One thing to remember" ""about the 'Be a Pal' system in chapter two," ""if you play games with your husband be sure not to beat him."" "Now he tells me." ""If methods one and two have failed," ""there is one last desperate measure." "I suggest that the wife become a mother."" "I suggest he mind his own business." "Now, let me finish." ""Most men marry a woman" ""that reminds them of their mother." ""This is because most men" ""have happy memories" ""of their carefree childhood." "So mother your husband;" "baby him."" "Treat Ricky like a baby?" ""And surround him with things that will remind him of his boyhood."" "I don't think I know how to fold one of these things." "He doesn't mean that." "Oh." "You know, I wouldn't be surprised if your whole trouble is that Ricky misses Cuba." "Oh, Ethel, that's ridiculous." "No, it isn't." "You should fix this place up so that it will remind him of his happy childhood in Cuba." "What do you want me to do, plant a banana tree in the kitchen?" "You'll have to be more drastic than that." "This time, you really got to shock him." "You're right." "This time, he'll notice me or I'll know the reason why." "Now, what can we do'?" "Well, what do you know about his childhood?" "Well, not very much." "He had five brothers, and his mother was a great singer and dancer." "Perfect!" "What do you mean, perfect?" "I couldn't remind him of his mother." "As a dancer, I got two left feet, and as a singer, I sound like a bull moose pulling his foot out of the mud." "So what?" "You've got a record player, haven't you?" "Yeah." "Well, we'll buy a record and I'll play it here in the kitchen while you pretend to..." " While I pretend to..." " That's it." "Aha!" "Oh, ho, ho, ho!" "Hey, amigo..." "Senor?" "Clem?" "(squeals)" "(screams)" "Que paso?" "Oh, I beg your pardon." "I must be in the wrong apartment." "Oh, no, senor." "This is it, your apartment." "Your mama, he will be here in a momenta." "(lively tune playing on phonograph)" "Olé!" "(lip-synchs to Carmen Miranda singing in Spanish)" "(Ethel lip-synchs background chorus)" "(record needle sticks, lyric repeats over and over)" "(record speeds up)" "(record plays even faster)" "(record slows down)" "(record slows to a complete stop)" "(heavy Cuban accent):" "How are you, my little cucaracha?" "How you like the hacienda, eh?" "Lucy, have you gone off your rocker?" "Pedro, Pablo, Chucho, Jojosisi, Jose-- la, la!" "Your brother is home." "(boys squealing)" "RICKY:" "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!" "Lucy, what's going on?" "We have big fiesta-- frijoles, taco, enchilada, tamale, huevos ranchitas, guacamole and wacko taco." "Big fiesta!" "BOYS:" "Yay!" "Big fiesta!" "Lucy, please, would you mind telling me what's going on?" "We make everything nice for you like when you leetle boy in Cuba." "You like?" "No, I dun't." "Oh, you dun't?" "Now, look, would you please explain to me what is the idea of all this?" "Well, I thought you were getting tired of me and if our home reminded you of Cuba, you might like me better." "Oh, honey." "Oh, Lucy darling." "If I wanted things Cuban," "I'd have stayed in Havana." "That's the reason I married you, because you're so different from anyone I've known in Cuba." "Who did you know in Cuba?" "Come here." "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "I Love Lucy is a Desilu production."