"So I look in the back seat, and what do I see?" "A boa constrictor looking right back at me." "And I look over at whitey and I go, "Whitey, next time we go to the hardware store, let me pick out the garden hose."" "[ Laughter ]" "Brett:" "Man, I just love our weekly poker games." "Chris:" "Yeah, right?" "[ Chuckles ]" "Wait a minute." "We don't have a weekly poker game." "Die, pigs!" "Code six, north Avenue 52." "Susie:" "Jewelry heist just went down across town." "This poker game was all a distraction." "Chris:" "These cards aren't even real." "They're Matzah." "Brett:" "Yeah, and these poker chips are just pepperonis." "[ Siren walls ]" "He's gonna be okay." "Brett swallowed a pound and a half of plastic poker chips." "Tina, put them up." "Susie:" "Can we go in and see him?" "Yes, but I have to warn you, we did find one other thing." "Chris:" "Ooh." "What's that horrible smell?" "Brett:" "Hey, guys." "Chris:" "What in the hell is that?" "That is a Bezoar." "It's a mass of indigestible matter that accumulates in the stomach." "And this little beauty is made up mostly of hair, poker chips, and chunks of couch cushion." "Brett:" "I'm a daddy." "Chris:" "Okay, Brett." "Here, we'll destroy that for you." "Brett:" "No!" "He's become awfully attached to it." "Tell you what -- why don't you let him take it home, carry it around for a week, and maybe it'll teach him a little something about responsibility?" "Brett: [ Sniffs ]" "Six jewel heists in the last week alone." "Brett, what the hell is that?" "Brett:" "Oh, what?" "This?" "Oh, it's my Bezoar." "Pretty cute, huh?" "Susie:" "Am I crazy, or has it grown?" "Chris:" "Yeah, seriously, kid." "What the hell are you feeding that thing?" "429 in progress." "2301 north Baker." "All units respond." "The diamond warehouse." "Get over there, you three." "Brett:" "Don't you mean, "us four"?" "Just go." "[ Alarm blaring ]" "Susie:" "Freeze!" "[ Gunshots ]" "Drops those rocks." "Brett:" "Bezoar!" "No!" "Susie:" "Who you working for?" "I want a name." "Terry Lord -- owns an auto shop on Alvarez." "He's just the middle man." "Brett:" "Aaaah!" "The guy you really want is..." "Susie:" "Oh, good job, you gooch." "He was gonna tell me everything." "Brett:" "They shot my Bezoar!" "[ Cracking ]" "[ Creaking ]" "Whoa." "It's another me." "Hello." "Chris: [ Sighs ] Great." "Another Brett." "Could we get the hairy turd back, please?" "Brett:" "Geez blagum frume clap." "I beg your pardon?" "Brett:" "That means, "Let's go get milkshakesin the new secret friend language I invented just now." "Oh." "I see." "Brett:" "I'm gonna name you "Bezoar."" "Chris:" "Okay, folks." "Well, this looks like it's gonna be a lot of fun." "I'm always on the go, and I just don't have time to stop and eat." "That's why I love Bezoar bites." "Bezoar bites are a nutritious bite-sized snack formulated for today's active lifestyle." "You'll like my bites." "[ Door opens ]" "Chris:" "Terry Lord." "Who wants to know?" "Hey, you're that Bezoar guy from the commercials." "I like your bites." "Susie:" "Can it, Lord." "We're U.S. marshals." "Where are the diamonds?" "Diamonds?" "This is an auto body shop." "Speaking of which, I'd like to do some bodywork on you, little lady." "Susie:" "Well, I think you should fix that dent in your side, first." "Ugh!" "Oh." "Brett:" "And your busted ear-view mirror." "Aaaah!" "Aah!" "[ Groaning ]" "Chris:" "Or this hole in your spine." "[ Gunshot ]" "Sorry, I don't know much about cars." "Now, confess." "You ain't getting nothing out of me." "Chris:" "All right." "If I can't get anything out of you, I'll just have to put something into you." "[ Grunts ] Aah!" "Chris:" "Come on." "All right, now." "Talk, grease monkey." "Talk." "[ As Terry ] Okay, okay." "I confess." "I confess." "I'm the head of the diamond ring." "You're right." "You deserve a raise." "[ As self ] Well, thank you very much." "[ As Terry ] I'm talking about your I.Q." "[ As self ] Hey, I thought you were the dummy." "[ As Terry ] No, you're the dummy." "[ As self ] Okay, well, just for that, you can go...straight to hell." "[ Brett and Susie laugh ]" "Brett:" "Oh, yeah!" "Susie:" "That's great, Chris, but he's just the middle man." "Chris:" "What are you talking about?" "No, he just confessed." "The case is closed, sweetheart." "I don't know, Chris." "I thought that confession was insincere." "It seemed awfully tongue..." "In cheeks." "Chris:" "Very nice, Bezoar." "Very nice." "[ Lullaby music plays ]" "Brett:" "Good work today, Beez." "Nighty-night." "[ Smooches ]" "Oh. [ Chuckles ]" "[ Door opens ]" "[ Door closes ]" "[ Indistinct chanting ]" "Susie:" "Oh." "Hey, Bezoar." "Hey, Susie." "What are you doing here?" "Susie:" "I'm just getting some files." "That's cool." "I was just downloading the new Sade album to everyone's computers." "Susie:" "Oh, I..." "love Sade." "Really?" "Me too." "You know, Susie, you're a great marshal." "It's too bad this place is such a boy's club." "Susie:" "Well, I've come to terms with it." "It's a shame that after a long, hard day of busting criminals, you have to come back here and face the greatest villain of all -- small-mindedness." "Susie:" "Do you want to go get a drink?" "Chris: [ Muffled ] So, that's why I work the testicles." "You don't see the bruises." "Wow." "Everything you say is so wise." "From now on, I'm going to call you "Mr. Wisdom."" "Chris:" "Ooh." "Susie:" "Hey, Bezoar." "I didn't hear you leave this morning." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Susie:" "Bezoar, we had sex last night." "I know that we were both a little tipsy, but..." "Susie, I think you had sex with Brett." "He must have tricked you into thinking that he was me." "Susie:" "What?" "Brett:" "Hey." "What are you guys talking about?" "Stuff?" "Susie:" "Bastard." "[ Laughter ]" "Brett:" "What was that about?" "Who cares?" "That slap was the most contact you've had with a woman in years." "[ Laughter ]" "Brett:" "C-come on, Bezoar." "C-c-c-c-come on, you stuttering prick." "Chris: [ Laughs ]" "[ Laughter ]" "If you're like me, you know the importance of a healthy diet and active lifestyle." "Unfortunately, if you're like me, you have also been tricked into eating Bezoar bites, which lab studies show are packed with hair and poker chips, A.K.A." ""Bezoar fuel."" "And now you have a Bezoar growing inside you." "Bezoars may seem great at first." "Chris: [ Laughs ]" "What is that?" "Oh, it's what a Bezoar penis looks like." "Chris: [ Laughs ]" "But give them enough time, and they'll steal your friends, take over your life, and ultimately try to kill you." "Thankfully, now there's Enzorbia brand yogurt." "Enzorbia is packed with powerful probiotic cultures proven to kill harmful Bezoars." "So, try Enzorbia today and say "bye-bye" to Bezoars." "Hi." "I'm Joanna Kerns, and you've probably seen my commercials for" "Enzorbia anti-Bezoar yogurt." "Unfortunately, the woman in those commercials is not me." "It's my Bezoar." "Enzorbia is packed with enzymes that make Bezoars grow faster, stronger, and more evil inside you." "If you have been eating Enzorbia, stop immediately and see your doctor." "Tell them Joanna Kerns sent you." "Chris:" "I can't believe we trusted that disgusting thing." "Susie:" "Chris, stop eating that." "Chris:" "Mm." "Brett:" "Hey, Bezoar." "Aah!" "[ Grunting ]" "We think everyone in town is infected with a Bezoar." "It's only a matter of time." "Susie:" "What do we do?" "Scientists say the only way to stop the Bezoar epidemic is to kill the original Bezoar." "Susie:" "This is still on?" "Is it a commercial, or a whole show?" "[ Gun cocks ]" "Chris:" "This thing ends now." "Brett:" "Get back in me." "[ Grunts ]" "Chris:" "Bezoar." "Brett:" "Shoot him, guys." "No, kill him." "He's the Bezoar." "We've got to shoot one of them." "Chris:" "Um..." "Brett:" "No, no, no, no, no." "I'm the Brett." "The one with the Bezoar penis on my forehead." "Chris:" "He's the one that we're not supposed to shoot, right?" "Susie:" "I don't know." "Really?" "Between him and me?" "Come on, Susie." "We had something." "Brett:" "What?" "Susie:" "Oh, Bezoar." "Chris, Mr. wisdom." "Huh?" "Chris:" "Um..." "Brett:" "Guys, if it wasn't for me, you would've never even met Bezoar -- the coolest guy in town!" "Shoot, damn it." "Well, thank God you killed him before things really got out of hand." "And, Brett, I hope you learned a lesson about eating things that aren't food." "Brett?" "Yes." "I am Brett." "Where you guys been?" "I've been waiting at the courts for two hours now." "Our weekly game of hoops." "Susie:" "Oh." "Chris:" "Oh, right." "Get it?" "I'm Bezoar." "♪ to the tattoo of their boots ♪" "♪ goodbye, Susanna ♪" "♪ and Savannah belle ♪"