"ripped by antsh" "This is a 1966 356 Porsche Dutch police car." "It has a 95-horsepower, flat four-cylinder engine." "Why the Dutch police in the 1960s felt they needed Porsche convertibles to do their job I don't know." "But I love this thing." "Hello?" "Hey, what are you doing?" "Nothing." "Wanna do something?" "Sure." "How about some coffee?" "Coffee." "I like it." "You gonna pick me up?" "Great." "I'll pick you up." "Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee." "My guest today is Barry Marder." "Barry is a comedian, one of my best friends and author of a hugely successful series of comedy books called:" "Letters from a Nut, by Ted L. Nancy." "Here's half a seat belt." "Half a seat belt?" "That's all it goes?" "The other half will be on your right side." "I don't think the seat belt is gonna go around." "We have an extender." "Where's the extender?" "I was just kidding." "There's no extender." "You think this is an airline?" "This is what-- -'66." "The weight gain from '66, now that the seat belt is so small." "Right." "The one from '66 is a child's seat belt." "There were fat people in the '60s." "There's always been fat people." "I may be 8 pounds heavier than this car." "I don't know where the Lincoln Tunnel is." "I like that we honor him with a tunnel." "And a penny." "Here's a guy who gets shot through the head, let's have a tunnel." "The tunnel is similar to a bullet through the head, isn't it." "It's cylindrical." "Right." "It's a long hole." "I guarantee you, no one in the Lincoln family approved that." "The tunnel?" "No." "He'd get a lot of these faces:" "We wanna get on Route 3, west." "Okay." "To Route 17, north." "Okay." "There's about 8 miles." "Nobody reads the entire directions." "You read them as they come up." "Nobody?" "I just did it." "No." "Are you in the mood for coffee?" "I would like a cup of coffee." "Route 3, west." "Route 17, north." "Okay, stop there." "You know me, you know you." "When one of us gets into a really foul mood, whose is worse?" "You or me?" "I think you." "I was gonna say you." "I love when you put your foot on the brake." "Well, I don't have a seat belt on and I'm in a 1966 deathtrap." "With a wind thing that doesn't work and a man in a foul mood." "Say that you were friends with Rob Lowe." "Yeah." "And you were standing in Lowe's." "Yeah." "And you wanted to visit Rob Lowe and you just announce, "I'm going to Rob Lowe's."" "Why would you announce that at Lowe's?" "I like the joke, but I don't understand why anybody would announce who they're going to visit in a Lowe's." "At this point I'd remove you from the audience." "Sir, it's a comedy show, sir, let the others enjoy it." "Thank you." "I'd like some coffee now." "I love when people do this:" "I have a thing in my bit about it." "What?" "That people" " That coffee leads two lives." "One in the cup and one in the body." "What's the rest of the bit?" "I'm really not here to perform for you." "The coffee here is good." "That sandwich doesn't stand a chance, does it?" "You're like a guy with a woman, who just got out of prison." "It's unbelievable." "Really?" "Take a bite." "What is it that I haven't experienced?" "Why are people still offering bites?" "I don't know, that's a good question." "Why are people offended when you don't want a bite?" "Let's say you're in a cannibal situation." "You're in Africa, 1940." "Accountable or cannibal?" "Cannibal." "And the chief says to you, "Please, take." And you go:" "When you're with cannibals, obviously, you gotta have good manners." "You think so?" "You don't wanna offend a cannibal." "That's a 1960's paperback book." "I like that Japanese guy that eats hot dogs like, 84 hot dogs in 8 minutes." "Kobayashi." "He's not the champion anymore." "Didn't they ban him?" "Yeah they banned him." "There was some sort of imbroglio." "A lot of people think it's disgusting." "I-- The dipping of the hot dog in the water." "It is a disgusting thing." "It's disgusting." "What about the digestive system?" "Because you're gonna be plugged up with 60 hot dogs in 14 minutes." "That follow-up story is never done." "No." "That Robert De Niro guy, does he come in here?" "He came" " Not the original, this is the fake." "Right." "Does he do a lot of this:" "Yes." ""You, you, you." Does he get work as Robert De Niro?" "A lot of people want De Niro, so he must get a lot of work." "And I'm sure he cuts the price somewhat." "I'll take scale." "I'm gonna use the bathroom." "It's like in a scene in The Godfather, you come out with a gun and shoot me." "You have any nice pies, ma'am?" "Barry, don't just yell like that, that's rude." "Really?" "Yes." "What would you want me to do?" "First of all, see if you can get her attention visually, like this:" "Right." "Then you say, "Excuse me."" "And then, once you have someone's attention you don't go, "Hey, you got any nice pies?"" "That's something you yell out in a strip club." "You just say, "Hey, Jerry, if you see our waitress...."" "Dot, dot, dot." "Message received." "Right." "This is where you go, "Hey, how about some nice pies?"" "What do you have for dessert?" "She's not here yet." "Okay." "What do you have?" "Thank you, Eva." "Thank you very much, guys." "Please, I insist." "I was just getting an aspirin." "Bye, Eva." "Bye." "That was one of the greatest meals I ever had." "I'm so thrilled." "This is much more civilized than the tunnel, isn't it?" "Yes." "Who doesn't prefer a bridge to a tunnel?" "Rats and bats." "That's a Dr. Seuss book." "I gave you an answer, right?" "Escaping convicts." "Yeah, Andy Dufresne from Shawshank Redemption."