"You must do your best tonight, be on your toes, men." "There's an honored guest tonight." "He's one of those men, who are being feted by the smart-set." "We'll see that he gets what he deserves." "Treat him as they do a king, in manner royal." "Like a subject to a king, you must be loyal." "On this object you must have your hearts set." "We'll do nothing to get on his nerves." "Again I mention:" "Be on your toes, men." "He craves attention, he's one of those men." "Yes sir, We will give him just what he deserves." "Oh, Hives..." " Yes, Mrs. Rittenhouse?" "I'd like to make a few changes to the assignment of the rooms." " Very good, Madam." "So, would you put Mr. Chandler in the Blue suite." "and Captain Spalding, as guest of honor, will have the Green duplex with the two baths." " Two, Madam?" " Why, yes." "I think the Captain would like two baths, don't you?" "Well, if he's just returned from Africa, he may need two baths." " Mr. Roscoe W. Chandler." " Mrs. Rittenhouse!" "Well, I..." " Mr. Chandler!" "So nice to see you." " The famous Beaugard, as I have promised." "Mr. Chandler, how can I ever express my gratitude?" " Oh, 'tis nothing." "Nothing?" "You return from Europe with a masterpiece valued at $100,000, and instead of displaying it yourself, you allow me to unveil it at my party in honour of Captain Spalding." "You call that nothing?" " Mrs. Rittenhouse, I..." "Will you please remove that to the place where it is to be exhibited." " Very good, sir." "And very careful, please." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, You think that is something?" "It is nothing compared to what I would like to do for you." "You are a very beautiful woman." " No, no, Mr. Chandler." "Well, maybe I'm wrong." " What?" "Please do not go, Mrs. Rittenhouse." "I love you." " I know." "Mr. Chandler, now look..." "Hello, Mother." "Playing house?" "Well, if you'll pardon me." "Have you seen Johnny Parker?" " I wish you'd get Johnny Parker out of your mind and show more respect to Mr. Chandler." "The trouble with you is you don't take these social affairs seriously." "What would you suggest, Mom?" "Suicide?" "I would suggest..." "That must be him." " Captain Spalding has arrived." "Splendid!" "I'm so glad." "My friends, Captain Spalding has arrived." "At last we are to meet him, the famous Captain Spalding." "From climates hot and scalding, the Captain has arrived." "Most heartily we'll greet him, with plain and fancy cheering, until he's hard of hearing." "The Captain has arrived." "The Captain has arrived." "Mr. Horatio W. Jamison, Field Secretary of Captain Spalding." "I represent the Captain, who insists on my informing you on these conditions under which he camps here." "In one thing he is very strict." "He wants his women young and picked." "As for men, he won't have any tramps here." "As for men, he won't have any tramps here." "There must be no tramps." "The men must all be very old, the women warm, the champagne cold." "It's under these conditions that he camps here." "I'm announcing Captain Jeffrey Spalding." "He's announcing Captain Jeffrey Spalding." "Oh dear." "He is coming." "At last he's here." "Well, what do I owe you?" "What, from Africa to here, $1.85?" "That's an outrage!" "I told you not to take me through Australia." "You know it's all ripped up." "You shoulda come right up to Lincoln Boulevard." "Where do you cover that stuff?" "Turn around the rear end." "I want to see your license plates." "I'll attend to you later." "Don't try to pull that.." " Captain Spalding" "Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen and that's not saying much for you." "Captain Spalding, Rittenhouse Manor is entirely at your disposal." "Well, I'm certainly grateful for this magnificent washout, ah, turnout." "Now I'd like to say a few words." "Hello, I must be going." "I cannot stay." "I came to say I must be going." "I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going." "But my friend, you must stay." "If you should go away, you'll spoil this party I am throwing." "I'll stay a week or two, I'll stay the summer through, but I am telling you," "I must be going." "Before you go, will you oblige us and tell us of your deeds so glowing?" "I'll do anything you say." "In fact I'll even stay." " Good." "But I must be going." "There's something that I'd like to say that he's too modest to relay." "The Captain is a moral man." "Sometimes he finds it trying." "This fact I'll emphasize with stress." "I never take a drink unless... somebody's buying." "The Captain is a very moral man." "If he hears anything obscene, he'll naturally repel it." "I hate a dirty joke, I do, unless it's told by someone who knows how to tell it." "The Captain is a very moral man." "Hooray for Captain Spalding, the African explorer." "Did someone call me Shnorrer?" "Hooray, hooray, hooray!" "He went into the jungle, where all the monkeys throw nuts." "If I stay here, I'll go nuts." "Hooray, hooray, hooray!" "He puts all his reliance in courage and defiance and risks his life for science." "Hey hey!" "He is the only white man to cover every acre." "Hooray, hooray, hooray!" "He puts all his reliance in courage and defiance and risks his life for science." "Hey hey!" "Hooray for Captain Spalding, the African explorer." "He put his name on dying fame and that is why we say:" "Hooray, hooray, hooray." "My friends, I'm highly gratified of this magnificent display of effusion." "And I want you to know..." "My friends, I'm highly gratified of this magnificent display of effusion" "And I want you to know that..." "My friends, I'm highly gratified of this magnificent display of effusion." "And I want you to know..." "Hooray for Captain Spalding..." "Well, somebody's got to do it." "Captain Spalding, it is indeed a great honor to welcome you to my poor home." "Oh, it isn't so bad." " Needless to say, I..." " Wait a minute, I think you're right, it is pretty bad." "As a matter of fact, it's one of the frowziest-looking joints I've ever seen." "Why Captain." "Where did you get your wallpaper?" "Well, I..." "You're letting this place run down and what's the result, you're not getting the class of people that you used to." "Why, you've got people here now that look like you." "Now I'll tell you what we do, we put up a sign outside," ""Place Under New Management"" "We'd set up a 75¢ meal that'd knock their eyes out." "After we knock their eyes out, we can charge 'em anything we want." "Now, sign here and give me your check for fifteen-hundred dollars." "Now I wanna tell you, Madam, that with this insurance policy you are providing for your little ones and for your old age, which will be here in a couple of weeks now if I am any judge of horse flesh." "Now, Madam, I feel that the time has come, the walrus said..." "Captain Spalding!" "To speak of ma..." "Captain Spalding, you stand before me as one of the bravest men of all times." "Alright, I'll do that." "In the dark forests of Africa, there has been no danger you have not dared." "You mind if I don't smoke?" "Fearlessly you have blazed new trails, scoffed at the lions' roar and the cannibals' tom-tom." "Says you." "Never once in all those weary months did your footsteps falter." "Cowardice is unknown to you." "Fear is not in you." "Pardon me, a caterpillar, Captain." "The caterpillar must have frightened him." "Oh dear." "Yes, well just don't stand there, get the whiskey, get the whiskey!" "Where is the whiskey?" " In my little black bag, in the right-hand corner." "Signor Emanuel Ravelli." " How do you do?" " How are you?" " Where's the dining room?" " This is a surprise." "Say, I used to know a fella who looked exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli." "Are you his brother?" "I am Emanuel Ravelli." " You're Emanuel Ravelli?" " I am Emanuel Ravelli." " Well, no wonder you look like him." "But I still insist there is a resemblance." " Eh, he thinks I look alike." " Well, if you do, it's a tough break for both of you." "You are one of the musicians?" "But you were not due until tomorrow." " Couldn't come tomorrow, that's too quick." " You're lucky they didn't come yesterday." " We were busy yesterday but we charge just the same." "This is better than exploring!" "What do you fellas get an hour?" "For playing, we get $10 an hour." " I see." "What do you get for not playing?" " $12 an hour." "Well, clip me off a piece of that." "Now, for rehearsing, we make special rate." "That's $15 an hour." "For rehearsing?" " That's right for rehearsing." "And what do you get for not rehearsing?" " You couldn't afford it." "You see, if we don't rehearse, we don't play." "And if we don't play, that runs into money." "How much would you want to run into an open manhole?" " Just a cover charge." "Well, drop in some time." " Sewer." "Well, we cleaned that up pretty well." " Well, let's see how we stand." "Flat-footed." "Yesterday we didn't come." "You remember?" "Yesterday we didn't come?" "Oh, I remember." "Yeah, that's $300." "Yesterday you didn't come." "That's $300?" " That's $300" "Well, that's reasonable." "I can see that alright." "Now, today we did come." "That's uh..." "That's a hundred you owe us." "Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal." "Tomorrow we leave." "That's worth about..." " A million dollars." "Yeah, that's alright for me, but I got a partner." "The Professor." "The gates swung open and a Fig Newton entered." "How do you do?" "Goodness." "You haven't got chocolate, have you?" "He's got everything." " Hives, take the Professor's hat and coat." "And send for the fumigators." "Say, don't you see there are ladies present?" "What do you think this is, a..." "Put that hat down, will you." "What are you doing here?" "Get out of here." "Go on." "A little more to the right." "That's better." "Now, see that the drape is well-hung." "The mistress will inspect it before the unveiling." "Hello, Hives." " Mrs. Whitehead!" "This is a surprise." " And how about me?" " Miss Grace!" "You've grown so in the last year." " You haven't lost any weight, yourself." "No, unfortunately not." "You know, Hives, it seems strange to find you working here instead of in our own home." "Well, after you left for Europe," "Mrs. Rittenhouse was good enough to make me an offer." "Lovely." "By the way, Hives, what's the secret about the painting?" "No secret." "It's Beaugard's "After the Hunt"." "The original?" " Most original." "Be careful." "Where did she get hold of that, do you suppose?" "Is it very valuable?" " Is it, it must be worth a fortune." "With this, it looks as if we'd steal the Social Award of the Season to Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Well, isn't there something we can do?" " We might shoot ourselves." "I'd rather shoot Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Say, I have an idea." "I copied that painting at art school a year ago." "Well, what of it?" "But I still don't get it." "I'll go home and get the copy." "We'll substitute it for the original and when she unveils it, what'll she have?" "An imitation, and I must admit, a very cruel one." "Grace, you're wonderful." " That's what I've been telling you." "I won't be long." " Alright." "See you later." "Oh, Hives?" "Do you still feel a bond between us?" " Most certainly, Mrs. Whitehead." "Strong enough for you to do me a big favor?" " Anything at all." "Well.." "suppose I were to ask you to take away the Beaugard..." "What, do you mean..." " Oh, just temporarily, of course." "And substitute something of my own?" " Well, I should consider it rather an unusual request." "It is, Hives, but somehow I still think of you as one of the Whiteheads." "You may count on me." "My soul is yours, even though my body may belong to Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Why, Hives!" "Oh, Mrs. Whitehead!" " Arabella!" "May I present Mr. Parker?" " Of the Massachusetts' Parkers?" "Why, no." " Then the Southern Parkers?" "No, the Central Parkers." "You know, the Benches and Trees." "I see." "Meow!" "Oh, I don't like that woman." "Well, never mind." "You come over here and sit down and tell me whom you do like." "Oh, so that's your game." " Now listen." "Do you really love me?" " Why don't you marry me and find out?" " Marry you?" "On what?" "Last year I sold two paintings." "One at a hundred and one at fifty." "Could we live on $150 a year?" " We wouldn't need any money." "I've got a charge account in every shop on 5th Avenue." "Well, if I had any brains, I'd give up painting and get a regular job." "You know, I had a cousin who made $50,000 in Wall Street last year." "I don't wanna marry your cousin." "I'm a darn fool." "I wanna marry you." "Say... we could get that old bluff Chandler to buy a portrait from you." "Chandler?" "What does he know about art?" "Well, the less he knows, the easier it'll be for you to sell 'em." "They're right upstairs." "You can't miss them." "Go round the other side." "Mrs. Rittenhouse." "Captain Spalding!" "How are you?" "Tell me." "Are you alone?" " Captain, I don't understand." "What, you don't understand being alone?" "Don't give me that innocent stuff or you'll be alone." "A big cluck like you turning cute on me!" "Mrs. Rittenhouse..." " Yes?" "Oh, pardon me." "You've been affected like this yourself, haven't you at times?" "Oh no, Captain." " Well, you will be." "Mrs. Rittenhouse..." "Ever since I've met you," "I've swept you off my feet." "Something has been throbbing within me." "Oh it's been beating like the incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle." "Something that I must ask you." " What is it, Captain?" "Would you wash out a pair of socks for me?" " Captain, I'm surprised." "Well it may be a surprise to you but it's been on my mind for weeks." "It's just my way of telling you that I love you, that's all." "I love you." " Captain, Mrs. Whitehead!" " I've never been..." "I beg your pardon." "Am I intruding?" "Are you intruding?" "Just when I had her on the 5-yard line." "I should say you were intruding." "I should say you are intruding, pardon me." "I was using the subjunctive instead of the past tense." "Yes, we're way past tents, we're living in bungalows now." "This is the mechanical age, of course." "Mrs. Whitehead, you haven't met Captain Spalding, have you?" "Why, no, I haven't" "How are you?" " How are you?" " I'm fine, thank you." "And how are you?" "And how are you?" "That leaves you one up." "Did anyone ever tell you you had beautiful eyes?" " No" "Well, you have." "And so have you." "He shot her a glance." "As a smile played around his lips." "Yes, I don't think I've never seen four more beautiful eyes in my life." "Well, three anyway." "You know, You two girls have everything." "You're tall and short, and slim and stout and blonde and brunette." "And that's just the kind of a girl I crave." "We three would make an ideal couple." "Why, you've got beauty, charm, money." "You have got money, haven't you?" "Because if you haven't, we can quit right now." "The Captain is charming, isn't he?" " I'm fascinated." "I'm fascinated, too--right on the arm." "Fascinated, whim-wham!" "If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell you what I really think of you two." "You know, you're very fortunate the Theater Guild isn't putting this on." "And so is the Guild." "Pardon me while I have a strange interlude." "Why you couple of baboons, what makes you think I'd marry either one of you?" "Strange how the wind blows tonight." "It has a thin eery voice." "Reminds me of poor old Marsden." "How happy I could be with either of these two, if both of them just went away." "Well, what do you say, girls, will you marry me?" "But Captain, which one of us?" " Both of you." "Let's all get married." "This is my party." "Party..." "Party..." "Here I am talking of parties." "I came down here for a party." "What happens?" "Nothing." "Not even ice cream." "The gods look down and laugh." "This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach." "Well what do you say, girls?" "What do you say, are we all gonna get married?" " All of us?" " All of us." "But that's bigamy." " Yes, and that's big of me, too." "It's big of all of us." "Let's be big for a change." "I'm sick of these conventional marriages." "One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother?" "Nobody." "Not even your grandfather." "Think of the honeymoon--strictly private:" "I wouldn't let another woman in on this." "Well, maybe one or two, but no men." "I may not go myself." "Are you suggesting Companionate Marriage?" "Well, It's got its advantages." "You could live with your folks and I could live with your folks." "And you, you could sell Fuller brushes." "Living with your folks..." "Living with your folks, the beginning of the end-- drab dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows-- hideous stumbling footsteps--creaking along the misty corridors of time, and in those corridors I see figures." "Strange figures." "Weird figures:" "Steel 186, Anaconda 74," "American Can 138." "Let's see where were we?" "Oh yes, we were about to get married." "Well, what do you think?" "Do you think we really ought to get married?" " I think marriage is a very noble institution." "It's the foundation of the American home." " Yes, but the trouble is you can't enforce it." "It was put over on the American people while our boys were over there and all our girls were over here." "I've been waiting at the bottom these stairs for years for just such a moment as this." "Why Captain, where are you going?" " I'm sorry, ladies, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to postpone the wedding for a few days." "Maybe for a few years." "Before I get married, I'm gonna sow a couple of wild oats." "The Captain's so amusing." " Isn't he charming?" "So that's the famous Beaugard, eh?" "It's a great picture, isn't it?" "Oh you've seen it before?" " Seen it, I spent 3 days in Paris copying it." "You did?" " Well, me and a million other young artists." "I bet your copy was better than any of them." " Well, it wasn't bad at that." "I'll show it to you sometime." " Listen." " What?" " Mother's going to unveil it tonight." "Yeah?" "Suppose..." "Suppose when she unveils it, it's not the Beaugard at all." "Suppose it's yours." " You mean, put my copy in place of the Beaugard?" " Exactly." " Why Arabella, you're crazy." "What good would that do?" "What good?" "Listen." "They'll unveil it." "Chandler will tell everybody how fine it is." "They'll all cheer their heads off, and then we'll tell 'em who really painted it." "They'll say you're a great artist." "You'll get 6 commissions for painting, and we can be married and divorced in no time." "Well, that sounds great." "But what if they don't like my painting?" "What then?" "Well, isn't the chance worth taking?" "I see you're admiring my picture, eh?" " Yes, yes." "Your picture?" " Yes, my picture." " Well, it don't look like you." "Hey wait, some place I met you before." "because your face is very familiar." "Well, after all, I am one of the most well-known men in America." "The newspapers will keep running my photograph." "You're not Abe Kabibble?" " Nonsense" "Alright, hey wait, if you're not Abe Kabibble, who are you?" "Now please, Chandler is my name." "Roscoe W. Chandler." "Yeah, but I don't get about the name, you see." "Some place I met you before because your face is very familiar." "Now wait, let me see, were you ever in Sing Sing?" " Please." "No I got it." "Joliet!" " Let me alone." "Alright, alright." "Don't run away, don't run away" "Leavenworth!" "Now, listen here." "I have never been in these places." "I've spent most of my time in Europe." " Europe." "I've got it now." "I know, you come from Czechoslovakia." "You are wrong, I tell you." "I have never been there." " Hey, come here." " I tell you this..." "Please!" "Get him away from me, would you." "You remember him." "Who was he?" "He come from Czechoslovakia." "You are wrong, I tell you." "I told you before, you are mistaken." "He come from Czechoslovakia." "And I know who it is." "That's Abie, the fish peddler from Czechoslovakia." " Ridiculous, I tell you." "You're wrong!" "Wait, wait, wait." "We prove it." "He had a birthmark, remember?" "Please, what are you trying?" "Let me alone!" "There it is!" "There's the birthmark!" "Abie, the fishman." "I confess." "I was Abie, the peddler." "Well, how did you get to be Roscoe W. Chandler?" " Say, how did you get to be an Italian?" "Never mind." "Whose confession is this?" "Well now, here, boys, for heaven's sake don't say anything about this to anybody and I think we can come to some agreement." "Some arrangement which will be, uh, mutually satisfactory, yes?" "Money." "Money." " Shall we say $500?" "Fie to $500!" " Well, that is all the cash I have with me." "$500?" "Well alright, I tell you what we do." "We'll take your IOU." "I have given you my best offer and that is all you will get." " That's all you'll give, eh?" "Abie the fishman!" "Abie the fishman!" "Please, be quiet." "Please, come here." "Now listen here, I have here a check for $5,000." "Now I give it to you" " Hey, is it good?" " Well of course it is good." "Who would give me a bad check?" "I would." "See if it's good." "Alright, if you don't want the check then that is all you will get." " That's all we get?" " Yes." " He's Abie the fishman!" " Please be quiet, please!" "Here, give me that handkerchief." "My tie!" "Where's my tie?" "Nothing but a pair of thieves." "I get the tie." "What you got?" "The birthmark!" "Hey, hey, where's your tie?" " Well, I..." "That's a fine way for a millionaire to be running around, open at the neck." "Have you got garters?" " Of course I have garters." "Here." "Oh, they've taken my garters too." "A likely story." "Turning collegian on me, eh?" "Have you got socks?" " Certainly." "Here they are." " So you have, you have got socks." "They look pretty old to me too." "Whose are they?" "Well, old socks." "Let me introduce myself." "My name is Spalding, Captain Spalding." " I am Roscoe W. Chandler." " Well, this is a treat, your treat." "You have heard about me?" "Yes, I've heard about you for a great many years, Mr Chandler, and I'm getting pretty darn sick of it too." "Quite naturally, I've also heard of the great Captain Spalding." "Well, that's fine." "I've heard of you and you've heard of me." "Now, have you ever heard the one about the two Irishmen?" " Oh yes." "Well, now that I've got you in hysterics, let's get down to business." "My name is Spalding, Captain Spalding." " I am Roscoe W. Chandler." " I am Jeffrey T. Spalding." "I'll bet you don't know what the "T" stand for." "Thomas?" " Edgar." "You were close, though." "You were close though and you still are, I'll bet." "Now, this is what I want to talk to you about, Mr Chandler:" "How would you like to finance a scientific expedition?" " Well, that is a question." "Yes, that is a question, you certainly know a question when you see it." "I congratulate you, Mr Chandler." "And that brings us right back to where we were." "How would you like to finance a scientific expedition?" "Well, is there any particular kind of an expedition you've had in mind?" "Well, I'll tell you, I'm getting along in years now and there's one thing that I've always wanted to do before I quit." " What is that?" "Retire." "Now, would you be interested in a proposition of that kind?" "You know, I've always had an idea that my retirement would be the greatest contribution to science that the world has ever known." "This is your chance, Mr Chandler." "When I think what you have done for this country." "And by the way, what have you done for this country?" " Oh well..." "I've always tried to do what I could." "Especially in the world of art." "Art, well I don't know how we drifted around to that, but what is your opinion of art?" "I am very glad you asked me." " I withdraw the question." "This fella takes things seriously." "It isn't safe to ask him a simple question." "Tell me, Mr Chandler, where are you planning on putting your new opera house?" "Oh, I thought I should like to put it somewhere near Central Park." "I see." "Why don't you put it right in Central Park?" " Could we do that?" "Sure, do it at night, when no one is looking." "Why don't you put it in the reservoir and get the whole thing over with?" "Of course, that might interfere with the water supply." "But after all, we must remember that art is art." "Though on the other hand, water is water, isn't it." "And east is east, and west is west." "And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does." "Now, uh..." "Now, you tell me what you know." "well, i-i-I would be very glad to give you my opinion." "Well, that's dandy, I'll ask you for them someday." "Remind me, will you?" "I'll tell you what," "Could you come to my office at ten o'clock tomorrow morning?" "If I'm not there, ask for Mr Jameson, that's my secretary." "And if he sees you, I'll discharge him." "That's a date now, Saturday at three." "No, you'd better make it Tuesday." "I'm going to Europe Monday." "Pardon me, My name is Spalding" "Heck, I've always wanted to meet you, Mr Chandler." "Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problems?" "What do you think of the marriage problems?" "What do you think of at night, when you go to bed, you beast?" " Well, I'll tell you my..." " I'd rather not discuss it any further." "Remember, there are children present." "Well, you see, my dear Captain, in the last analysis, it is a question of money." "The nickel today is not what it used to be ten years ago." "I'll go further than that." "I'll get off at the depot." "The nickel today is not what it was 15 years ago." "You know what this country needs today?" " What?" " A seven-cent nickel." "Yessiree, we've been using the five-cen'nick on this country since 1492." "Now, that's putting you near a hundred years, daylight savings." "Now, why not give the seven-cent nickel a chance." "If that works out, next year we could have an eight-cent nickel." "Think what that would mean." "You could go to a news stand, buy a three-cent newspaper and get the same nickel back again." "One nickel carefully used would last a family a lifetime." "Captain Spalding, I think that is a wonderful idea." " You do, eh?" " Yes." "Well, then there can't be much to it." "Forget about it." "Well, tell me, Captain Chandler..." "Excuse me, Spalding." " Spalding, that's right." "I'm Spalding and you're Chandler." "Let's have no more of that either, eh." "Alright." " Bad enough being Spalding." " Well, tell me, Captain Spalding..." "Spalding is the right name?" " That's right, that's right." "I'm Chand..." "No, I'm Spald..." "Could I look at a program in a minute?" "I might be the news weekly for all he knows, or coming next week." "Well, tell me, Captain Spalding, you've been quite a traveler." "What do you think about South America?" "I'm going there soon, you know." "Is that so?" "Where are you going?" " Uruguay." "Well, you go your-a-guay, and I'll go mine." "Say, how long has this been going on?" "Let's change the subject." "Take the foreign situation." "Take Abyssinia." "I'll tell you, you take Abyssinia and I'll take a hot butterscotch sundae on rye bread." "Let's go and see what the boys in the back room are up to." "Let's see how yours compares with the original." " Alright." "I don't see any difference!" " Well, look closer." "Maybe you'll find it's better." "You seen my partner?" " No" "Oh, Mr. Raviola!" "Ravelli." "Ravelli." " Oh, Mr. Ravelli." "I want you to do something for me." "I'd do anything for you." "What do ya want I should do?" "You see that painting?" " You mean this piksh?" "I want you to take that out of the frame and put this one in its place." "You want I should take this one down put this one upstairs, huh?" " Yes." "You want I should steal?" " Oh no, no, It's not stealing." "Well, then I couldn't do it." " Oh, Mr. Raviola!" "Hey, get up." "Come here." "That's all you do." "Chase the women." "Oh, stop." "Everybody here plays cards, they don't ask us." "Here we are to waste all our time." "We've been here all day, eh." "How much we make?" "We make nothing." "First thing you know, we're gonna live on a charity then we go to the old ladies' home." "How do you like that?" "No, that's no good." "These people here all got money." "Now, we gotta find someone to play with us, see." "I'd play anything." "Poker, pinochle..." " Signor Ravelli," "I want to talk to you about the music." "What in the world's the matter with you?" "It would be nice if..." "Go away from me!" "What is this?" " It's alright, just a..." "Hello, Professor." "Good heavens, what's the matter with his feet?" "We play all kinds of games." "Blackjack, soccer..." "What is the matter with your leg?" "One, two, three." "Atta boy." "Get up, buddy." "Yeah, she can't take it there." "Well, why don't you leave him alone?" "Now that this game is over, how about playing some bridge?" "You play bridge?" " I play bridge a little." " What do you play for?" "Oh we just play for small stakes." " And french-fried potatoes?" "Set it up right over there, Hives." " Very good, madam." "Chandler, now where is he off to?" "Look at this." "Take it away, Hives." " Extraordinary." "How do you want to play?" "Honest?" " I hope so." "You put that right away." "It's your own fault." "Come along now, we'll cut for partners." " No, he's my partner." "That's the only way we play." "I'm sorry but it's against the rules of the game." "We have to cut for partners." "Alright, we cut for partners." "I got ace of spades." "He's got ace of spades." "That's what you call coincidences!" "Two aces of spades?" " Yeah, he's got thousands of them." "Well I suppose that gives him the choice of seat." " You have the choice of seat." "Good heavens!" "Not on her lap." " Sit down." "What's the matter with him?" " I don't know." " He thought it was contact bridge." "Just a minute, now." "Shuffle the cards." " Yeah, you gotta scrumble 'em up a little bit, you know." "Just a moment." "I'd like to cut those cards." "That's a winner." "Your bid, partner." "You pass?" "Misdeal." "You pass?" "I bid one spade." "I pass." " Three spades." "Four spades." "One club." " I don't understand this kind of bidding." "Well, you don't have to." "You bid four spades, eh?" "Why, I haven't a spade in my hand." " Alright." "We double." "There's something wrong here." "I want you to go over the bidding." "Oh, hey, she wants to start 'em off again, the bid." "He bids one." " One?" "One what?" " That's alright." "You'll find out." "But we have to know what he's bidding." " We tell you later." "Now I bid two." "Two what?" " Two of the same he bids." "Now the bidding's over, see." "That's enough bidding." "It's your lead." "Oh no, you can't lead that." " Why not?" "Why, we can't take it." " Well, what should I lead?" "He'll show you." "Ace of spades." "That's-a very good." "Three of spades." "Four of spades." "You trump it?" "That's what you call finesse." "No spades, partner." "No spades." "Ace of hearts." "Ace of clubs." "Dummy leads." "The dummy leads." "I'm not the dummy." " Well, you could be." "Ace of diamonds." "Hundred aces, eh?" "Two hundred?" "That's better." "Ace of hearts." "Atta boy." "Make a big slam." "Make a big, big slam." "Ace of spades." "Ace of spades." "That's a good guy." "Plays a good game." "Ace of spades." "Plays a fine game." "Ace of spades." " I refuse to play any longer." "You're nothing but a couple of cardsharps." "What's the matter, dear?" " My shoes are gone." "Good gracious, he has your slippers." "Come along." "Hey, you take-a the ladies' shoes, eh?" "Quiet!" "Hide." "Somebody's coming." "Alright, I make a mistake." "Get up, come on." "Come on." "Hey, hurry up." "You know what we to do, eh?" "We gotta take that picture and put this one upstairs, for the lady." "Wait, no touch." "You got everything ready?" "Shovel, axe, dynamite, pineapples?" "Where's the flash?" "That's-a no flash." "A flash." "Here's a flash." "That's a fish!" "I no want the fish." "No fish." "Flash!" "Stop it." "You crazy." "When you go out in the night time, you gotta have the flash." "That's no flash." "That's a flisk." "Flash." "When you wanna see somebody, you gotta have the flash." "That's a flush." "What I gonna do with a flush?" "A flash." "That's a flitz." "What I gonna do with flitz?" "What do ya got?" "That's a whaddaya-call a flutz." "All you got is a fish and a flutz and a flitz and a flutz..." "Stop this." "Where's the flash?" "Look, when everything's light and you wanna make 'em dark." "What ya do?" "Hey, you crazy." "I want no blackjack." "My mistake, I guess." "When everything's dark and you wanna make 'em light." "Yeah, that's a flash." "That's a flash." "Hey, that's good, alright." "The storm put the lights out." "Now nobody can see what we do." "That's-a fine, eh?" "Where's the flash?" "Where's the flash?" "I no want the fish." "Flash." "No, no flutz." "What's-a matter for you, eh?" "Flash." "Before the people are coming." "What's a matter?" "You lose it?" "You gotta find it." "Look for it." "Alright, never mind." "We'll work without it." "Hide!" "Hide!" "Somebody's coming." "Hide." "Quiet, quiet." "Shut up." "Keep quiet." "I know where you are." "It's alright." "Oh, Captain Spalding, where are you?" " Yeah?" "Oh, Captain..." " Yes, what's the trouble?" "The storm has put the lights out and you can't see your hand before your face." "Well, you wouldn't get much enjoyment out of that." "Well, I don't know what you're gonna do but I'm gonna take a nap." "Leave me a call for three o'clock." "Make it three-thirty." "You certainly get service around here." "Pardon me, Mrs. Rittenhouse, did you lose a fish?" " What?" "Well, somebody lost it." "Will you take it out to the kitchen and have it fried for me?" "Did you hear that?" "There's somebody over there." "I say, there's somebody over there." " Don't be silly, the house is just settling, that's all." "Anybody over there?" " I don't see anybody." "There you are." "If there was anybody over there, he'd see him, wouldn't I?" "What is it, Captain?" "What is it?" "You know what I think?" "I think you got roaches." "Yes, you've got roaches alright." "And the biggest one has got asthma." "Horrible!" "Come on, Captain." "Let us get out of here." "This can't be the library." "This must be the operating room." "Hey, we get the picture and we don't make a one sound." "Hey, somebody turned on the lights." "Alright, we get the picture though we may no make a one sound." "C'mon, let's go, get outta here." "What do you want?" "Oh, the fish." "Go on." "Hey, that's some storm, eh?" "A regular tornado." "C'mon, let's go this way." "I think it's a shortcut." "Come on, let's go." "California." "And now, my friends, before we start the musical program," "Captain Spalding has kindly considered to tell us about his trip to Africa." "Captain Spalding." " Me?" "Friends, I'm going to tell you of that great, mysterious, wonderful continent known as Africa." "Africa is God's country, and he can have it." "Well sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 2nd." "After 15 days on the water and 6 on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa." "We at once proceeded three-hundred miles into the heart of the jungle, where I shot a polar bear." "This bear was 6' 7" in its stockinged feet, and had shoes on him." "I had him..." " Pardon me, just a moment, Captain." "I always thought that polar bears lived in the frozen north." "Oh you did?" "Well this bear was anemic and he couldn't stand the cold climate." "He was a rich bear and he could afford to go away in the winter." "You take care of your animals, and I'll take care of mine." "Frozen north, my eye!" "From the day of our arrival, we led an active life." "The first morning saw us up at 6, breakfasted and back in bed at 7." "This was our routine for the first three months." "We finally got so we were back in bed at 6:30." "One morning I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat..." "Smoking some meat?" " Yes, there wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood." "As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin, when I bagged 6 tigers." "Captain." "Did you catch 6 tigers?" "I bagged 'em, I.." "I begged 'em to go away, but they hung around all afternoon." "They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen." "The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks and Knights of Pythias." "You all know what a moose is." "The first day I shot two bucks." "That was the biggest game we had" "As I say, you all know what a moose is." "A moose runs around on the floor and eats cheese and is chased by cats." "The elks, on the other hand, live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention." "It is very interesting to watch them come to the waterhole." "And you should see them run when they find out it's only a waterhole." "What they're looking for is an alco-hole." "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas." "How he got in my pajamas, I don't know." "Then we tried to remove the tusks." "The tusks." "That's not so easy to say, tusks." "You can try that some time." "Oh, simple." "Tusks." "Pardon me, my name is Spalding." "I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Chandler." "As I say, we tried to remove the tusks, but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them." "Of course, in Alabama, the tusks are looser." "But that's entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about." "We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed." "But we're going back again in a couple of weeks and we..." " Very enlightening speech, Captain." "Very enlightening." " Hooray for Captain Spalding." "Three cheers for Captain Spalding!" "Three cheers for Captain Spalding!" "Three cheers..." " No one asked for the chairs." "Put them right where you got them." "Go on." "Go on with your chairs." "Get out." "Go on, go on, you!" "And now, friends, Signor Ravelli will oblige us at the piano." "Signor Ravelli." "Signor Ravelli's first selection will be "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping"" "with a male chorus." "Say, if you get near a song, play it." "I can't think of the finish." "That's strange." "And I can't think of anything else." "You know what I think, I think I went past it." "Well if you come around again, jump off." "I once kept this up for three days." "You wouldn't consider hush money, would you?" "I can't get 'em now." "I've gotta wait for inspiration." " It's about time." "Play the song about Montreal." " Montreal?" ""I'm A Dreamer, Montreal."" "I dunno that." "I tell you what I'll do," "I'll play one of my own compositions, by Victor Herbert." "Make it short." "He plays them both well." "Your team scored that time." "So did the old blue one." "Why do you push, huh?" "Why do you push?" " Let 'em alone, they may exterminate each other." "The best thing to have for either of them." "And once for old Purdue." "I was afraid of that." "Hey, I thought I had the finish." " I wish you did." "Yours." "Play the song about the Irish chiropodist." " Irish chiropodist?" " "My Fate Is In Your Hands"." "Is there a horse in the house?" "They got everything else here." "And now, Mrs. Rittenrotten..." "Rittenhouse." " Yes, a slight error." "I have a surprise for you." "The man is here for the piano." " Oh, Captain!" "No, really what I meant to say was that, uh, when I departed from the natives in Africa, I was presented with a little gift." "And this gift I am going to give to you, at a very low figure." " Oh how wonderful." "Well now, don't be too hasty." "Wait'll you see." " I can't wait..." "The whole thing was done with the white of an egg." "Well, what is it, Captain?" "What is it?" "What is it, you ask?" "This is a hope chest for a guinea pig." ""What is it."" "This magnificent chest..." "No, this mag.." "No, this magnificent chest" "I now take great pleasure in presenting to you with my compliments." " Captain, this leaves me speechless." "Well, see that you remain that way." " And now, ladies and gentlemen..." "Come outside and say that." "If we will all adjourn to the library," "Mrs. Rittenhouse has another and perhaps a greater surprise for us." "This way, Captain." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, how do you pay Hives?" "By the week or by the pound?" "And now it is my privilege to reveal the masterpiece of François Jacques DuBois Gilbert Beaugard." "No trains will be sold after the magazines leave the depot." ""After the Hunt."" "There!" "I told you, you were a great artist." "Shall we spill the beans now?" " Let's wait a minute." "Something might happen." "I'm sure we'd all appreciate a few words from Mr. Chandler, who will tell us something of the life and work of the artist Beaugard" "And keep it clean!" "Mr. Chandler!" "My friends, I am quite sure that you are all familiar with Beaugard." "And this is perhaps his masterpiece." "In it he has achieved a greatness in the handling of color and line." "Now you will see here that..." "Wait!" "This is not my picture." "This is a rank imitation." "What do you mean?" " See for yourself." "You are right." "It is not the Beaugard." " It certainly isn't." "There's a dog missing." "Oh Captain Spalding, what shall I do?" " Telephone the dog-catchers immediately." "They've taken the original and left me this." " Leave it to me." "I'll throw some light on this subject." "Has anyone a match?" " What happened?" "Oh Hives, where are you?" "Turn on the lights." "Mrs. Rittenhouse, did you lose that fish again?" " Oh Captain, I'm so worried." "Good heavens." "That one is gone, too." " Oh, this is awful." "The crooks, they are escaping." "Follow me, men." "Never mind the men, just the women!" "Right this way." "They went out here." "Oh, the excitement." "I never saw anything so funny in all my life." "This is great." "And there goes her old party." "Good old Hives." "Wasn't it funny?" " Oh, v-v-v-very." "You're not afraid, are you, Hives?" " Oh no." "I'm not afraid." "Oh dear, no." "Only, you see, well, they were talking of having the police here and I wouldn't want the police suspect me." "Why, they wouldn't suspect you." " Oh yes, they would!" "See, the last time they suspected me, I got four years." " Hives!" "Alright, Hives, give me the painting, and I'll take care of it." " Good." "Good heavens." "It's gone." " Gone?" " I left it in there." "There must be thieves at this party." "If I'd known that, I never would have come." "Wait a minute!" "That professor!" " The Professor!" "I see!" "Hives, that's the fella who would plan it." "Now listen, we've got to get that picture away from him." "Might I suggest some of this?" "Very satisfactory in these cases." "A few drops on a handkerchief and the Professor will no longer obstruct us." "You're sure it'll do the trick?" " Oh, absolutely." "Would you care to try some?" "No thanks, Hives." "Let's find the Professor." "I don't see how the thieves could've gotten away or who it could've been." "It's a good thing we substituted yours." "Suppose the thieves had gotten away with the Beaugard." "Oh, and it'd be alright if they stole mine?" "Oh Darling, I didn't mean that." "But what would Mother do?" "Why, it's worth $100,000." "How could she have replaced it?" "Oh, I understand." "Isn't it exciting?" "Just think, whoever took it was right in the room with us." "Just like Raffles!" "Isn't it romantic?" "All the boys I've known used to say I was made of stone." "I would always leave them alone in despair." "I've been on the pan, I've been called an electric fan, told I'm even much colder than Frigidaire." "I began to wonder if I was all wrong." "I thought so till you came along." "Tell me, dear, why am I so romantic?" "When you're near, why am I so romantic?" "What a grand feeling, when your lips meet mine." "That certain something comes stealing up and down my spine." "I don't know what it is you've done to me." "You don't know half of the good you do me." "Other boys bore me, they just leave me blue." "Oh, why am I so romantic with you?" "Tell me, dear, why am I so romantic?" "When you're near, why am I so romantic?" "What a grand feeling, when your lips touch mine." "That certain something comes stealing up and down my spine." "When we touch, close in your arms you hold me." "I forget all that my mother told me." "Other girls bore me, they just leave me blue." "But why am I so romantic with you?" "Oh, Signor Ravelli!" "I've been looking for you all morning." "I was busy all morning." " Signor Ravelli, you've gotta put that painting back." "Painting?" "What painting?" "The one you changed last night." "You remember." "Oh, you mean the piksh?" " Yes." "Hey, what's-a matter for you?" "First you want 'em downstairs, then you want 'em upstairs, then you want 'em a downstairs, then you.." "C'mon, Make up your mind." "Oh I do thank you for what you've done but you've gotta get that painting back before the police get here." "The police are coming?" " Yes." " Wait, I give it to you." "You put it back." "C'mon." "Where's the piksh?" " What do you mean 'Where's the piksh?" "'" "I put 'em in here." "It's gone." "Somebody take 'em." "You take 'em!" " Me?" "No, I know, I know." "The fish peddler." "Abie the fish peddler." "Did Mother invite a fish peddler here?" "I don't know, but he's here." "Come on, we find him." "Good morning, Mrs Rittenhouse." " Good morning, Mr. Jamison." "And how is Captain Spalding this morning?" " Oh he had a very bad night." "He didn't sleep a wink." "He went on horseback riding in the middle of the night." "I'm sorry." " Yes, I know." " But we've all been pretty upset." "Good morning, Captain." "Did you enjoy your ride?" "What in the world are you looking for?" " I lost my horse." "Yes, he slipped right out from between me." "I can't understand it." "I had my feet in the stirrups, too." "I dunno, I dunno how he got awa" "I didn't care about that but I lost the bit you loaned me." "Nevermind, I'll get you another bit." " Well, that'll be two bits I owe you then." "Captain, I hope you weren't distressed by last night's unfortunate occurrence." "You mean that dinner you served?" " No, the painting that was stolen!" "Was there a painting stolen?" "I haven't seen a painting in three weeks." "Jamison!" "As my secretary, why didn't you inform me there was a painting stolen?" "What do you think I engaged you for?" "Well Captain, I didn't know it." " Well, you should've asked me." "I didn't know it." "Well, I'm sorry." " You're sorry?" "You're a contemptible cur!" "I repeat, sir." "You're a contemptible cur." "Oh if I were a man, you'd resent that." "Please keep quiet, will you?" "I can get along without you, you know." "I got along without your father, didn't I?" "Yes, and your grandfather." "Yes, and your uncle." "Yes, and your uncle." "Yes, and my uncle." " Captain!" " I didn't come here to be exonerated." " I beg pardon Mrs. Rittenhouse.." "Oh you do, eh?" "Well, I'd like to see you crawl out of a rumble seat." "The police are here, madam." " Oh, the police." "Have them come in." "Oh, so that's your game, is it." "Well, you can't shut me up!" " Captain!" "No, you can talk to my attorney." "Jamison, take a letter to my lawyers." "I'll show you a thing or two." "Or three." "Show you a thing or three." " Oh Captain." " Sending for the police!" "Take a letter to my lawyers." "Sending for the police, eh?" "I say, take a letter to my lawyers." " I am taking it." "Well, read me what you have so far." "Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga, care of Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga  McCormack." "Semicolon." "How do you spell "semicolon"?" " Alright, make it a comma." "Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga, Hungadunga..." "McCormack." "Gentlemen, question mark." "Er-r-r!" "Do you want "er-r-r" in the letter?" " No, put that in an envelope." "Now then..." "In re yours of the 5 inst, yours to hand and beg to rep, brackets, that we have gone over the ground carefully and we seem to believe, i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu," "that despite all our precautionary measures which have been involved we seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed unless we receive an ipso facto that is not negligible at this moment." "Quotes, unquotes and quotes." "Hoping this finds you, I beg to remain..." " Hoping this finds him where?" "Well let him worry about that." "Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison." "Sneak!" "I say, hoping this finds you, I beg to remain as of June 9th." "Cordially, yours, regards." "That's all, Jamison." "I'll show you where I get off." "Sending for the police." "Vow read me the letter, Jamison." ""Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga."" "'Hungadunga.'" "Hunga.." "Hung.." " Hungadunga" "That's it, Hungadunga." ""C/ o Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga  McCormack."" "You've left out a Hungadunga." "You left out the main one, too." "Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you, eh?" "Alright, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead." "I tell you what you do, Jamison." "I tell you what." "Make it three windshield wipers and one Hungadunga." "They won't all be there when the letter arrives anyhow." "Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga" ""...and McCormack." "Gentlemen, question mark."" " Gentlemen, question mark?" "Put it on the penultimate and not on the dipthonic." "You want to brush up on your Greek, Jamison." "Well, get a Greek and brush up on him." ""In re yours of the 5 inst."" " I see." "Now, uh... you said a lot of things here that I didn't think were important, so I just omitted them." "Oh Captain!" "Good gracious." "So, you just omitted them, eh?" "You just omitted the body of the letter, that's all." "You just left out the body of the letter, that's all." "Yours is not to reason why, Jamison." "You've left out the body of the letter." "Alright, send it that way and tell him the body will follow." "You want the body in brackets?" "No, it'll never get there in brackets." "Put it in a box." "Put it in a box and mark it 'fragilly'." "Mark it what?" " 'Fragilly!" "' F-R-A-G..." "Look it up, Jamison, it's in the dictionary." "Look under fragile." "Look under the table if you don't find it there." ""Quotes, unquotes and quotes."" " That's three quotes?" " Yes, sir." "Add another quart and make it a gallon." "How much is in a gallon, Jamison?" "Regards." " Regards, that's a fine letter, Jamison." "That's an epic." "That's dandy." "Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away." "And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away." "Just send a stamp." "Air mail." "That's all." "You may go, Jamison." "I may go too." " Mrs. Rittenhouse?" "I'm Inspector Hennessey from headquarters." " How do you do, Inspector?" "Let me introduce myself." "I'm Captain Scotland of Spalding Yard." "No, I'm Captain Spalding of Scotland Yard." "Please don't make the same mistake again." " I'm glad to know you, Captain." " Well, I should think you would be." "Now then, Inspector, I think between the two of us, we can solve the mystery of the stolen painting, especially if you go home." "Inspector, please don't be too hasty about making an arrest." "I don't want my guests embarrassed." "Don't worry, we won't arrest anybody." " He's lucky if he can stay out of jail himself." "Mr. Jamison, would you mind taking the Inspector and his men to the library and showing them the scene of the crime." "Certainly, Mrs Rittenhouse." "Right this way, Inspector." "Come on, boys." "And Jamison, count the spoons." "Captain, I didn't know you'd been a detective too." " There's a whole lot of things you don't know." " I suppose that's so." " You know darn well it's so." "Where were you on the night of June 5th, 1774?" "I'm afraid I don't know." " You betcha don't know." "Where was I?" "I don't know." " Well, I don't know either and if I did know, I wouldn't tell you." "Put that in your pipe and smoke it." "Take a number from 1 to 10." " Alright." "Alright, what's the number?" " 7." " That's right. 7 is right." "I coulda done it with one hand if I wanted to." "This is no mystery." "I could solve this in 5 minutes if I wanted to worry." "Captain, I don't want you to worry." "I don't want anything to interfere with your weekend." "Nothing ever interferes with my weak end." "And I'll thank you not to get personal, Mrs. Rittenhouse!" " Oh Captain!" "Where's my secretary?" "Jamison!" " Captain, I assure you, I didn't mean to offend you." "Oh please, Captain, you misunderstood me." "A more dastardly cracker I've never heard!" "I wish I was back in the jungle where men are monkeys." "Captain, I'm so sorry." " Jamison!" "No, no." "Good morning, Mrs. Rittenhouse!" " Good morning." "Perfectly charming party." "I wouldn't have missed it for the world." "It's just full of surprises." " So glad you're enjoying yourself." "Oh Hives, Hives!" "Good morning." "Some breakfast?" " Breakfast nothing." "Did you get the painting?" " No, I did not." "I watched all night, but the Professor did not sleep in his room." "Strange, very strange." " Good heavens, Hives." "What will we do?" "I don't know." "Until we see the Professor..." "You keep an eye on him till I get back with the bottle." "Don't worry, he'll not get away from me this time." "Did you get it?" " Yes, madam." " Good." "Now I'll go ahead and engage him in conversation." "You trail behind and when the proper time comes, see that he gets it." "Very good, madam." "Oh hello." "I've been looking all over for you!" "Where have you been?" "What is the matter with this?" "What've you got there, the morning papers?" "No, that isn't the one I want." "Let me see one of the others." "That still isn't the one I want." "Out!" "Yes, out!" "The birds..." "Come on up here and sit down." "I want to talk to you." "Don't you like me?" "You don't?" "Well, I like you." "I like little boys like you." "By the way, how old are you?" "Five years old?" "Why, you're just a baby, aren't you?" "Oh, isn't that nice?" "I like that." "No, no, no." "Now all joking aside, isn't there someone you do like?" "Isn't there someone you love?" "Now think again." "Isn't there someone you really and truly love?" "Is there?" "Tell me who!" "Why, that's a horse!" "You love a horse?" "Come on, lift him up." "Come on." "He's out." " Let us get out." "Arabella!" " John, I've been trying to find you." "Ravelli has lost the painting." "Well I've been looking all over for you I just found a painting out on the terrace." "Was it the Beaugard?" " No" " Oh, yours?" "Well if it's not yours, and it's not the Beaugard, whose is it?" "Where did it come from?" "Well, don't you see?" "Someone else came along and substituted it for mine, thinking they were getting away with the original Beaugard." "Somebody swiped my scheme, eh?" "Say, then Chandler never saw your painting after all?" " No" "For all I know, you may still be a great artist." "Where is this picture?" "It's up in my room." " Well, you go get it and I'll get the Captain Spalding." "He'll get to the bottom of this." "And then John found the third painting." " Well, that's very interesting." "Well, fairly interesting." "Well, we just gotta keep a sharp look out, that's all." "Oh I've gotta find it or Mother's out $100,000." "Now, don't worry." "Let me work on this case for 24 hours and then we'll call in somebody else." "You think it's a mystery now?" "Wait'll you see it tomorrow." "Remember the Charley Ross disappearance?" "I worked on that case for 24 hours and they never did find him." "They couldn't find me for five years." "That's me, Captain Yard of Scotland Spalding." "I always get my women, or paintings." "Arabella, can you mention what's happened?" "You know that painting I found?" "Well, it's been stolen from my room." "There you are!" "I haven't been on the case five minutes and there's another painting gone." "I bet it's not even five minutes." "I'll bet it's not over three." "Now they've got my watch." "This is going too far." "It wasn't going, and now it's gone." "And the door to my room was locked too." " Well how could they get in?" "Who could it have been?" "Wait a minute." "I think I've got a clue." "No, it's a hair, a red hair." "The Professor?" "Oh no, it couldn't be." "Well, he's picked out this month by the Crook of the Month club." "Anyhow, we'll investigate it." "You know Conductor Hennessey?" " Inspector!" "Inspect her yourself." "Now listen, you know that little redheaded fellow, the Professor?" " Yes." "Well, get that gang of flagpole sitters of yours and see if you can find him." "Aye aye, Captain." "Come on, boys." "We'll soon get to the bottom of this." "Hey, what's that cop doing there?" "It didn't take that long to find him." " That's right, this is it!" "Yeah, this is it, but which one is it?" " The one that was just taken from my room." "Oh, we've got that back." "Maybe I got my watch back." "Now the fob is gone!" "Well, I still got the pocket." "Anything I retain now is velvet." "Except the coat." "That's Prince Albert." "Well, all the jokes can't be good." "You've got to expect that once in a while." "Say, if we could find the fellow that painted this picture, well, we'd have a pretty good clue." " What'd you say?" "I said, if we could find the fellow that painted this picture, we'd have a pretty good clue." "You just said that." "What a dull conversationalist you turned out to be!" "Let me see that a minute, will ya." "Say, this is signed "Beaugard"." "There's the criminal:" "Beaugard." "No Beaugard is dead." "Beaugard is dead?" "Then it's murder!" "Now we've got something." "What do you got, Cap?" " I've got jacks and aces." "What've you got?" "That's good." "I was bluffing." " Look at this, Ravelli." "Isn't there something strikes you very funny about this picture?" "Come, come, it isn't as funny as all that." "Did you ever see a tree like that?" "Tree?" "That's a spinach." " That can't be spinach." "Where's the egg?" "Well, it could be spinach." "Look at all the sand laying around there." "You mean it's an old Spinach custom?" "No, it's not that, Ravelli." "Anything but that." "No, Cap, that's alright, it's my mistake." "You know what that is, that's Coleslaw." "Coleslaw?" " Yeah." "That's-a Coleslaw" "Did you ever see a coleslaw like that?" " Sure, look at this one." "I don't want any of your lip now." "Did you ever see anything like that?" "You know what this is?" "This is a left-handed painting." "Look, there's a signature." " That's right, it's in the right-hand corner." "This is either a left-handed painting or a vegetable dinner." "Now, if we can find the left-handed person that painted this, we'll have "The Trial of Mary Dugan" with sound." "Well, I saw that." "Goodbye." " Now, you wait here." "I'm going to need you." "Now look," "We mustn't lose this." "This is evidence." "Now take it to your room and leave the door open this time and try that." "And not a word about this to anybody." "Not even to me." "Ravelli, we've got to find the left-handed painting." "Now, in a case like this, the first thing to do is to find the motive." "Now, what could have been the motive of the guys who swiped the Beaugard?" "I got it." "Robbery!" "Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you?" "Si, Capt'." "Sit down." "You understand, I got an idea how to find this painting." "In a case like this that's so mysterious, you gotta get the clues." "You gotta use the Sherlock Holmes method." "Now you go about 'em like this:" "You say to yourself, "What happened?"" "Then the answer come back:" ""Something was stolen."" "Then you say to yourself, "What was stolen?"" "And the answer come back: "A painting."" "What are you, a ventriloquist?" "Now you say to yourself, "Where was this painting stolen?"" "And the answer come back: "In this house."" "Now, so far I'm right, eh?" "Well, it's pretty hard to be wrong if you keep answering yourself all the time." "Now you go a little further and you say to yourself, "Who stole the painting?"" "This a very, very important question, Captain." "You get the answer, you got the solution to the whole thing." "Especially if you find the picture." "Now you take all the clues, you put 'em together." "What do ya got huh?" " Bread pudding." "No, here's what we got:" "Something was stolen." "Stolen where?" "In this house." "Stolen by who?" "Somebody in the house." "Now, to find the painting, all you gotta do is go to everybody in the house and ask 'em if they took it." "I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters." "You say you're going to go to everybody in the house and ask 'em if they took the painting?" "Suppose nobody in the house took the painting?" " Go to the house next door." "That's Great." "Suppose there is no house next door?" "Well, then of course, we gotta build one." "Well, now you're talking." "What kind of a house you think we oughta put up, eh?" "Well I tell ya Cap, you see, my idea of a house is something nice and small and comfortable." "That's the way I feel about it." "I don't want anything elaborate." "Just a little place that I can call home and tell the wife I won't be there for dinner." "I see." "You just want a telephone booth." "No, in that case I'd get in touch with Chic Sales." "What do ya say, Cap, we build right about here?" "Here?" " Yeah, right about here." " I'd like something over here if I could get it." "I don't like junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school." "I don't like junior at all, as a matter of fact." "Alright." "We got something over there, and believe me, that's convenient." "Oh that's very convenient." "Well look, all you gotta do is open the door, step outside, and there you are." "There you are?" "There you are where?" " Outside." "Suppose you want to get back in again?" " You had no right to go out." "Well, don't do anything until I hear from you, will you?" "Say, maybe that's the painting down in the cellar!" " That's no cellar, that's the roof." "That's the roof down there?" " Yeah, you see we keep the roof in the basement so when the rain comes, the chimney don't get wet." "Well, I'm going out to get x-rayed." "I'll be back in a little while." "I may be wonderful but I think you're wrong, Ravelli." " Hey wait, don't get excited." "Come here." "Now look, here's the rooms." " Those are the rooms?" " Yeah, right here's the rooms." "This is your room." "This is my room." "And this is the maid's room." "I'd have to go through your room?" "That's alright, I won't be in it." "Say, Ravelli, you couldn't put the maid in your room, eh?" " What makes you think I couldn't?" "Well, there's going to be a lot of traffic in there." "I can see that." "Well, what do ya say?" "You ready to sign the lease?" "Well, it's a little premature." "I'd like to discuss it with my husband." "Could you come back this evening, when he's home?" "Hey, you married?" " Why, I've got a girl as big as you are." "Alright." "Get me one." " Don't get vulgar, Ravelli." "Ravelli, how about the painting?" "We take care of that alright." "Now I'll tell you what my idea is." "I think the kitchen should be white." "Outside, green." "Inside, cerise." "The painting, I say!" "How about the painting, Ravelli?" "What you think I talk?" "That's painting, the kitchen white, outside green..." "The painting that was stolen!" " Stolen?" "Don't you remember?" "Mrs. Rittenhouse lost a valuable Beaugard oil painting worth $100,000?" "Don't you remember that?" "No, I'm a stranger around here." "I don't remember that." "What do you think I am?" "One of the early settlers?" "Ravelli, don't you remember Mrs. Beaugard lost a valuable Rittenhouse oil painting?" "worth $100,000?" "Don't you remember that?" "No, but I've seen you someplace before." "Well, I don't know where I was but I'll stay out of there in the future." "Hey, Capt!" "It come to me like a flash!" "This painting wasn't stolen." "You know what happened, this painting, Captain has disappeared." "And yes, it disappeared." "And you know what make it disappear?" "You'll never guess, Cap." "What do you think make this painting disappear, heh?" "Moths!" "Moths eat it!" "Left-handed moths!" "Go away." "Go away, I'll be alright in a minute." "Left-handed moths ate the painting, eh?" " That's my own solution." "I wish you were in it." "Left-handed moths ate the painting." "You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open." "Hey, I got pair of shoes." "He's crazy." "C'mon, let's go down and get the reward." "We solved it." "You solved it." "The credit is all yours." "The painting was eaten by left-handed moths." " Hey, you know, we did a good day's work." "How do you feel, tired?" "Maybe you wanna lie down for a couple of years, eh?" "Why don't you just lie down until rigor mortis sets in." "Now look, Ravelli" "I'll tell you how we get the painting." "We go to court and we'll get out a writ of habeas corpus." "You're going to get rid of what?" "Oh, I never should have started that way, I can see that." "I say, we'll go to court and we'll get out a writ of habeas corpus." "Yes, corpus." " Didn't you ever see a habeas corpus?" "No, but I see "Habeas Irish Rose"." "Good morning." " Good morning." "Mr. Chandler, why don't you go down to the beach with the others?" "I'm sure you'd feel better." "If I had my Beaugard, I'm sure I'd feel better." "Oh but we're doing everything we can." "Mrs. Rittenhouse!" "I have it!" " The Beaugard!" "Wonderful!" "My Beaugard!" "I..." "Wait." "This is not my Beaugard, this is a rank imitation." "Where did you find it?" "In Mr. Parker's room, madam." " Parker?" "One thing is certain." "The man who made that stole the Beaugard." "Hives, find Mr. Parker and ask him to come here." " Certainly, madam." "Wait." "My men will bring him in." "Go out and get Mr. Parker." "Now then, what's the matter with this?" " Well, look at here." "You've only to look at it once to see what it is." "It is a rank imitation." "Mother, what's wrong?" "Mr. Parker, something very mysterious has occurred and I'm afraid you're the only one who can explain." "I'd be only too glad to if I can." "Nothing mysterious about it." "We found this in your room." "Now, what have you done with the original Beaugard?" "Come clean!" " I think it would be wise..." "Well, I have nothing to say except that I don't know where the Beaugard is." "Well, how is it we found this in your room?" "C'mon, you'd better come with me." "You can't take him." " Arabella" "This program is coming to you from the House of David" "He's either got that suit on upside-down or there is no law of gravity." "Einstein or no Einstein." " My tie!" "Captain, what shall I do?" "They're going to arrest John." "Who's gonna arrest John?" " I am, Captain!" "Oh you are, eh?" "Well, let me tell you something:" "the first thing they teach you at Scotland Yard is never to arrest an innocent man." "But he's not innocent." "I'll have to arrest him, just the same." "By all means, or nobody will be safe here." "You can't arrest him." "I stole it." " Don't listen to her, Officer." "I did it." "They're both lying." "I did it." " He's crazy." "I confess." "I did it." "Maybe nobody stole the painting." "Maybe there was no painting." " That's right." "Maybe there was no painting." "I saw it." "Cut out all the talk!" "Who stole the painting?" "I did!" " Good gracious." "What, you?" "You took the picture?" "Where is it?" "Aw, that's a horse." "The Beaugard!" "That is my Beaugard!" " No, that isn't your Beaugard." "Don't be ridiculous." "I paid $100,000 for this painting." "I know what I bought." "Look at the signature." "John Parker." "Somebody changed it." "That is my Beaugard!" "That is the Beaugard, I tell you." "There it is." "But that one, that has the color, the depth, the soul of the Beaugard." "Only a master could have produced a painting like that." "You mean, you painted that?" " Yes, sir." " Why, young man, you're a genius." "You're a genius." "I commission you to paint a portrait of me immediately." "Well, you'd better make wait until tomorrow." "I'm going to be busy all day." " Yes." "You'd better come with me, young fellow." " Don't take him away, officer." "He returned the paintings." "Pardon me." "My name is Spalding." "I've always wanted to meet you." "Alright." "I'll let him go this time." "But I want to give you some advice." "You're running around with the wrong kinda people." "You wanna be a crook?" "Why don't you go home?" " He's got no home." "Go home for a few nights and stay home." "Don't you know your poor old mother sits there sits there, night aft... night after night... waiting to hear your steps on the stairs." " Ain't got no stairs." "And I can see a little light burning in the... burning in the window." "No you can't!" "The gas company turned it off." "What I'm telling you is for your own good." "And if you listen to me, you can't go wrong." "This may go on for years." " There's just one thing..." "I can't understand what's delaying that coffee pot?" "Where's the cream?" " Well, you certainly surprised me." "Me too." "I thought he had more than that." " There's no use giving you any advice." "Captain, this time I'm afraid I'll have to take him." "Come on." "Oh, what are you doing?" "My dear!" "Hey, what's the idea?" " Jamison, take a letter to my lawyers." "Oh no, don't!" "Oh no, oh no no, not, Anything but..." "Oh the things that I've got to go..." "So young.." "C'mon now, let's get out of here before they all wake up." "Hurry up." "C'mon." "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon..."