"HANK:" "Boy, those pictures from our trip to the new hardware store... sure came out great." "Okay, keep flipping." "I finished off the roll with some pictures of my new boyfriend, Zack." "I'm Zack." "Thank you for choosing Foto Phast." "So we can't blame the red eyes on the flash." " What do we owe you?" " $12.50." "No, no." "Let me get it." "Since Zack and I are dating, I get his employee discount." "How much do I owe you?" "$12.50." " No hard feelings, but it's over, Linda." " Linda?" "That's not how my name is pronounced." "Oh, Luanne." "Honey, he just broke up with you." "Oh!" "Oh, God." "No!" "Oh, honey, please don't feel bad." "It makes your uncle uncomfortable." "If Zack had told me he was gonna act like such a butt..." "I would have never slept with him." "You what?" "[Gasps]" "Oh, no." "So that means you're not..." "Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex." "Nobody likes a quitter, Luanne." "Zack liked me." "And so did Buckley, and Brad... and Brad's ex-best friend." "Well, I think they liked me." "You know, Luanne, there's someone who'll love you more if you don't put out." "Why don't we swing by his bachelor pad?" "STROUP:" "Well, you are right." "She has sinned." "But if young people like Luanne didn't sin, I'd be out of a job." "Seriously, Luanne, there is a way to restore your purity." "She's listening." "She can become a born-again virgin." "How do you pull that one off?" "It's a religious ceremony we perform." "All you have to do is promise not to have sex again... until you're married and log 14 hours... in our Youth Abstinence Outreach Program." "So, Luanne, are you interested?" "I'm willing to try anything once." "Mr. And Mrs. Hill, are you willing to be Luanne's virginity sponsors?" "Sponsor?" "You mean like what the drunks have?" "Mr. Hill, a celibacy sponsor is like... an offensive lineman for the virgin quarterback." "The other team is gonna be coming on strong." "So Luanne needs you to get out there and block." "Or she may very well get sacked." "Well, that's not in the Bible, but it should be." "I'll do it." "STROUP:" "Okay, people." "Who's ready to engage in a frank and open discussion of fornication?" "May I remind you that there is a poster of Jesus behind that ping-pong table?" "Oh, of course." "Thanks, Hank." "There will be ping-pong and pasta salad after we finish." "Now let's break into male and female discussion groups... and share our detailed sexual histories." "We're going to kick things off today by testifying... to the number of sexual partners each of us has had." "Four." "So close to five." "Anyway, Hank?" "What?" "No, thank you." "I'm just here as a sponsor." "Yeah, and as a role model for our emerging virgins... your insights could make the difference between going all the way... and going all the way to heaven." "[Sighs]" "Well, okay." "I had my share of girlfriends... but coach always told me to save it for football." "Which I did." "And then I met Peggy Platter." "And things got kind of heavy." "But she insisted we wait until our wedding night." "And I thank her every day for that." "So the answer's one." "Next." "LARRY:" "Rhett." "I had just one, too." "But we weren't married." "I hate myself." "I was getting a massage." "This sort of thing happens every day." "A young man, naked in a massage parlor..." "No, sir." "I wasn't at a massage parlor." "I was at an arts and crafts fair." "I took my shirt off." "Stupid, stupid Rhett." "Then she put me face down on this padded..." "I don't know what, a sex chair, and started rubbing my shoulders." "And then she brushed against me." "And she smelled so good." "I felt this..." "And then I sinned my pants." "Oh, that's not losing your virginity." "All you lost was those pants." "I mostly work with propane, so why don't I just go do that?" "STROUP:18, and 19." "Well, when you say it, it doesn't sound like much." "But when you're sitting there with 19 Hershey's Kisses in front of you... that's a lot of chocolate." " Barbara?" " Six." "Very good." "I'm the youngest one here." "I can't tell them I've had sex with four men." "They'll think I'm a slut." "It does not matter what they think." "You have a forgiving God and a tough but fair aunt." "Luanne?" " Four." " Four." "Peggy?" "One." "My husband." "Well, good for you." "Ladies, this is a model for us all." "Oh, no, please." "I'm not." "Oh, yes, you are." "You are an inspiration, a holy beacon." "We may not all be able to match your rectitude... but God has truly prepared a special place for you." "Two." " I'm sorry?" " I would like one more chocolate, please." " Are you hungry, hon?" " No." "I slept with another man before I met my husband." "STROUP:" "And two." "Luanne, it was my very best male friend, Wayne Trotter." "People always thought we were going steady... but there'd never been anything romantic between us until... one day we were at Pier 1." "He sat me down in a wicker chair and took my hand." "He had beautiful hands." "And he said to me, "Peggy, I think I might be gay."" "And this was back when being gay in Texas was not as fun as it is today." "We decided that the only way to know for sure... was to test him with Peggy Platter." "So, we went back to Wayne's house... gently pushed aside his decorative throw pillows... and then..." "Oh, yeah." "Did you fix him?" "Oh, no, Luanne." "He was not broken." "Just gay." "Very, very gay." "Are you ladies decent?" "Hey, you guys got chocolate?" "Boy, am I jealous." "Welcome, virgins, soon-to-be virgins, sponsors... and fans of premarital abstinence." "Will the sponsors of Luanne Platter please step forward?" "Luanne, before God and man... your next breath will be as if it were your first." "[Shrieking]" "I'm a virgin!" "[Luanne laughing excitedly]" "What's up?" "Want to play some B?" "She is no longer interested in catching what you're throwing, mister." "Okay." "Everyone who hasn't had premarital sex gets ice cream." "Oh, dear God." "Well, I wouldn't tell him." "I just feel so terrible." "I cannot sleep." "I cannot eat." "I have already lost a pound." "You look wonderful, sug'." "I agree." "Normally, I would say so with a lot more enthusiasm... but I am under a lot of stress." "No sex equals great sex!" "No sex equals great sex!" "Oh, Bobby." "I need to talk to you and..." ""your peer group" about your virginity." "I am not having sex until at least my sophomore year at Harvard." "You heard her." "Not until our sophomore year at Harvard." "Your virginity is in danger now!" "You need to sign this abstinence pledge card... before you discover how wonderful sex feels." "Keep talking." "Okay." "In addition to heaven... there are other benefits to this pledge." "You get a 10% discount on CDs, movies, bowling and video games." "And a free MP3 player if you sign up 10 other virgins." "We sure got lucky." "When we were 18 we were already married." "If we'd had to wait any longer, who knows what kind of trouble... we would have gotten into?" "With each other, of course." "Boy." "Thank God for my free weights and your strong moral fiber." "My virtue is not the issue, Hank." "This is about Luanne." "Well, that's what scares me." "She's got nowhere near your upbringing or self-control." "I'll be damned if I'm gonna raise her baby." "We've got to find her a good boy with strong values." "Hey, I know a guy." "Yeah!" "That's quite a hook you got there, Rhett." "I spend a lot of time bowling." "I can't imagine a bigger rush than picking up a spare." "Ain't that so?" "Rhett, this is my niece, Luanne." "She loves bowling and self-control." "Hi." "I'm Rhett." "I saw you at the virgin thing." "I got kicked out for already being one." "You wanna bowl?" "It's totally not a sin." " Okay." " Yeah." "Oh, sure." "TV and movies might make premarital sex look good... but it's dangerous." "It's caused broken homes, broken hearts, depression..." "I'll sign." "Who wants to play miniature golf Friday night?" " $2 off." " Yo." "Sorry, but that's the night of the Abstinence Dance." "I promised Luanne I'd help her and Rhett chaperone." "You know, make sure the kids have a good time... but not a great one." "Well, you go to your prissy little dance." "Me and the boys are going to the putt-putt range." "My sources tell me that that bully no longer works there." "[Upbeat instrumental music playing]" "I saw her panties." "[Slow romantic music playing]" "I feel so safe with you, Rhett." "With Rad, my last committed on-again-off-again relationship... everything we did always seemed to lead to sex." "God, Luanne." "Sounds terrible." "It was." "Did you know that the changing table at What-a-Burger is strong enough... to hold up one person, but not two?" "I thought people only had sex in bed." "Or the shower." "That could work, right?" "Or is there enough room to lie down?" "Real virgins are so cute." "[Upbeat swing music playing]" "That's it!" "Will you marry me?" "[Gasps]" "Well, look at Bobby." "I think he has finally found his sport." "LUANNE:" "Oh, my God!" "Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy..." "Rhett asked me to marry him and I said yes." "You what?" "Luanne, you barely know this guy." "Yeah, but we have so much in common." "We are both virgins." "In fact, that's how we met." "Yes, I know." "I introduced you two days ago." "And each day has been better than the one before." "May I give you a little preview of your wedding?" ""Does anyone object?"" ""Yes, I do."" ""And who are you?"" ""Peggy Hill!"" "Don't you want me to get married?" "Of course I do, honey." "But not to Rhett." "When we meet the right guy for you, we'll know." "I may be a virgin, but I have been around the block a few times... and I know when someone's talking down at me." "I am just trying to protect you from your feelings, thoughts and instincts." "I know that this is difficult for you, Aunt Peggy... but you should be proud of me." "I'm going to be the first Platter woman to walk down the aisle a virgin." "You watch it, young lady!" "Your aunt and I never..." "No." "Before she met you." "With Wayne Trotter." "[Peggy gasps]" "Peggy?" "Well, it's true." "He's gay now, if that makes you feel any better." "[Screams]" "No." "Of course it doesn't." "PEGGY:" "Well, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted." "[Laughing sheepishly]" "Don't you, Hank?" "You're the one who was always saying we should wait." "Well, it's easy to wait on dinner when you've already had a little snack... isn't it, Peggy?" "I was wrong." "And I did not want to make the same mistake twice." "Which mistake is that?" "Sleeping with him, not sleeping with me, or lying about it for 20 years?" "I wanna be mad at you for the right reasons." "Well, you never told me about all your wild escapades... when you worked at Jeans West." "I told you about the time I put on the gigantic pair of khakis... and pretended I was tiny." "I was very up front about it." "Hank, I cannot change the past." "I can only try to convince you that you are overreacting to it." "Right now we have to stop Luanne before she ruins her life." "I'm going to Luanne's." "I think it's best if you stay here and think about what you did... and what I didn't get to do." "Oh!" "[Luanne humming traditional wedding song]" "Yes!" "That is the dress." "Sweet merciful Jesus, that is the dress." "The guy at the rental place said that most of the girls who've worn this dress... are still married." "I was going to ask Aunt Peggy to sing the I Believe I Can Fly song... at the wedding." "But now I'm not so sure." "Tell you what." "If you want, I can take her off the guest list." "Bill's been pushing for an invite." "Luanne, as your guardian, I cannot let you do this." "Save your breath, Aunt Peggy." "Nothing you could say can stop me from becoming Mrs. Rhett Platter." "Yes, I am keeping my last name." "See, I was afraid I wouldn't like your last name." " It's Vandergraff." " Oh, I love it!" "I'm going to be Mrs. Rhett Vandergraff." "I'm going to be Mrs. Rhett Vandergraff." "The Vandergraffs." "Hank, she did not know his last name." "Well, at least he told her his last name before they got married." "He didn't spring it on her 20 years later." "Hank, will you stop this?" "What is it you want from me?" "An apology?" "Fine." "I am sorry." "Very, very sorry." "I have made a horrible mistake... and I have paid the price." "How much longer are you gonna punish me?" "If you'll excuse me, I've got to go tell Boomhauer... we'll need his limo for the wedding this weekend." "[Gasps]" "[Telephone ringing]" "Strickland Propane." "Taste the meat..." "I mean, hello." "Hank, I just saw the virgin Luanne climbing out her window." "Her bedroom window." "Oh, God." "Hey!" "Cut it out." "Knock it off." "RHETT:" "Hey, what the..." "HANK:" "Right now." "What do you think you're doing?" "What are you doing?" "We didn't do anything." "I'm so sorry, Mr. Hill." "I've waited 22 years." "I couldn't wait another week." "You're 22?" "All right." "That's it." "The wedding is tomorrow." "Oh, yes!" "Listen to me, Luanne." "Getting married just so you can sleep together is a big mistake." "If I had married the first person I slept with..." "I would have married Wayne Trotter." "I never would have gone sock-skating with Hank... on the linoleum of our first studio apartment." "I would have missed the way he tosses and turns the night before Flag Day." "The pride I felt the first time he used one of my shirts as a rag." "If I had done what you're thinking of doing, Luanne..." "I never would have met the love of my life." "Come home, Hank." "Peggy, you coming to the wedding or not?" "The only reason I ask is, I need to know how many burgers to defrost." "Come on." "Where is everyone?" "I've reserved two picnic tables." " And where's Rhett?" " I canceled the wedding." " But..." " Aunt Peggy was right." "We were just getting married so we could fornicate... without you and God getting mad at us." "But you and Aunt Peggy are the ones who should be fornicating." "What if Reverend Stroup heard you talking like that?" "Well, Reverend Stroup thinks so, too." "STROUP:" "Chop, chop, Hank." "Let's go." "I'm getting cold in here." "[Gasping]" "Hank, I'm a virgin!" "Peggy, come on." "This reborn virgin stuff is a bunch of nonsense." "Sorry, Reverend... but a few churchy words and a dunk in the lake doesn't change..." "Peggy, I can see your whatnots." "Let's start over again, Hank." "This time, no secrets." "As soon as we get you into my truck and over there behind those trees..." "I want you out of this robe so you don't catch a cold." "I think someone's going to lose her virginity." "Not me." "No, no." "[Whispering] Aunt Peggy." "HANK:" "The Vandergraffs."