"Attention all personnel!" "All shifts report to Operating Room." "All shifts, on the double." "Attention all personnel." "All shifts report to Operating Room." "All shifts, on the double." "Come on, take a card." " Come on, make a play." " Hold your colon." "Let's see." "You were saving queens and throwing spades." " Gin!" "That's 470,000 you owe me." " Will you take a cheque?" "Oh, I'm sorry." " Excuse me." "I wasn't looking." " I'm doing enough looking for us both." "Wanna try again?" "Two out of three?" " We haven't met." " What are you doing after the war?" "Hey, wait a minute!" " He out?" " The switch is off." " Any time you're ready." " Nurse?" " Yes, Doctor?" " "Yes, Doctor, darling."" " Yes, Doctor, darling." " Stand by." " Ugly John, what's his pulse?" " 68 and steady." "OK." "Scalpel." "I like that." "Very good slap in the..." " Let me have the..." " Scissors." "Terrific." " Sponge." " Sponge." " Pick-ups." " Pick-ups." " Kiss." " What?" "Surprise me." "Note that." "Put him on report." "Disrespectful behaviour." "She's new." "I'll take care of her." "We work well together." "Why don't we get our own casualties and go into business for ourselves?" "Did you immobilise the duodenum?" "Yeah, I thought there might be a retroperitoneal perforation." " Do you two wanna be alone?" " Yeah, but not with each other." " No, really, I can move." " I'll say you can." "Don't mind him." "He majored in crudeness at med school." "Med school?" "Before I was drafted, I was a mechanic." "If you're free later, I'll be glad to put you up on my lift." " Nurse Cutler, report to my office!" " Now?" " Now." " Yes, sir." " I mean, yes, ma'am." " Dismissed." "At least she had no trouble figuring out your sex." " My sex is none of your business." " Just say the word." "Stay away from my nurses!" "They're off limits to you." " That's an order!" " She's trying to tell us something." "You can forget about Nurse Cutler." "I'll see to that." "That's your basic Hot Lips." "I knew a girl like her in my home town." "Her name was "Rover"." "Twelve straight hours of surgery has me whipped." " I'm gonna sack out for a few weeks." " My very thought." "I'm so tired, my eyes keep slamming shut." " I'll see you back at the Swamp?" " Gotcha." "For me?" "Only if you put those on." "That was a short nap." "I thought you were going to bed for a week." "I was, but I didn't say where, did I?" "What about you?" "This is strictly business." "I'm making a house call." "It must be obvious even to a moral defective like you that we're both zeroed in on the same girl." " Right?" " Right." "Only I have a solution:" "we'll share her." "One girl, two straws." "You take the day watch, and I'll take the night." " Unpacking?" "Let us help." " We're glad you picked our unit." " We're not large, but we are friendly." " Very friendly." "We never met a nurse we didn't like." "Why don't we go down to the river and watch the submarine races?" "I have a better idea." "You go to the river and watch us wave goodbye." "I am not unpacking." "I'm packing." "Doesn't know if she's coming or going." "Packing is for leaving." "To stay, you have to "un"." " I've been transferred to another unit." " Transferred?" "Houlihan says I'm a bit of a distraction." " What a rotten thing to say!" " You're an incredible distraction." "We're not giving you up." "You're the best thing here since dry socks." "What can I do about it?" " You put yourself in our hands." " Actually, these go on your legs." "Which were that I were they." " Thank you, Radar." " Sign these, sir." " What are these?" " Papers." " Blank papers?" " Yes, sir." " Is that a good idea?" " Cuts down your work." "Sign 'em now, and later you don't have to bother." "But should I have signed blank papers?" "I can't answer that." "You're the one that signed them." "I'm not signing blank paper." "4077th MASH." "Don't know what I'm signing when they're not blank." " Hi." " Red tape, sign this, sign that." "Never know what you're signing." "I'll be signing 'em for the next four years." " It's for you." " Who is it?" " General Barker." " General Barker?" "Yes, sir!" "Oh, fine, General." "A little rough, but we're not complaining." "Here, sir." "A what?" "A boxing tournament?" "Sir, the main sport in this outfit is avoiding calisthenics." "No, sir." "Yes, sir, I'll do my best." " Will that be all?" " Say goodbye for me." " Hmm?" " Say goodbye?" "Oh, Radar says to say..." "Goodbye, General." "I have enough to do." " Well, well, Dr Jekyll and Dr Jekyll." " Henry, we gotta ask you something." " Answer's no." " Don't you want to know what it is?" "Whatever it is, even if the answer's yes, it's no." "Hot Lips has transferred Margie Cutler, our most dedicated and best-built nurse." "Hold it right there." "Houlihan is in charge of the nursing staff." "I can't interfere." "The young lady is a sensational surgical assistant." " She has two of the best..." " I'm sure." "...hands I've ever seen." "Don't let her go." "Talent in the operating room is hard to find." "I know." "If you say no, we'll tell everybody your brother's in jail." " My brother is a warden!" " We won't say that part." "Now lay off!" "Haven't I got enough static with General Barker on my back?" " What's he want?" " Maybe we can help." "No, you can't help." "There's nothing you can contribute to this." " Ah!" "I detect a gleam." " I heard a loud click." "One can see the light bulb over his head." " Come on, what is it?" " Yeah?" "OK..." "Barker is all hot about this inter-unit boxing tournament." "And he wants us to put up a boxer." " Now, that's funny." " We could make one out of spare parts." "He's serious." "He's giving me a bad time about it." " So get whoever fought last year." " I can't." "She's gone." "Anyway, Barker's got this boy, thinks he can win the championship." "So he's bringing him here for his first fight." "Now, if one of you two guys would go three rounds with him," "I'll see what I can do about getting Nurse Cutler back." " See ya around, Henry." " You sure?" "Yeah, we'll just find something nice and easy to do, like shagging shells." "Just a thought..." "Some war." "Bye, Doctors." "Thanks a lot, Hot Lips." " Hey, do that again." " What?" " Smack your fist." " You mean that?" "Hurts my ears." "What a punch!" " Save it." " Save what?" " I'm not fightin' anybody." " I bet you're a natural." "I fought in school." "I was very good." " I knew it!" " But I'm not in shape!" "Who says you're not in shape?" "You got a cute body." "I've seen guys sneaking peeks at you at calisthenics." "Which guys are sneaking' peeks at me?" "I'd rather not say." "Some are married." "Look, stop snowing me." "You fight him." "I'd love to." "I was on the boxing team too." " Yeah?" " Yeah, but I threw my shoulder out." "It never came back." "Actually, I'm in pain most of the time." "I don't like to burden my friends." "Look, do we want to get Nurse Cutler back or not?" " Yes." " All right, OK." "You really got a bad shoulder?" "The result of being spineless." " I don't know about this." " What do you mean?" "He's got a manager." "I don't have..." "Come on, Radar!" "It's just a little sparring." "Nobody's gonna get hurt." "I won't do it." "Not for a lousy five bucks." " How about ten?" " Pay up now?" "Now, this is just a practice fight." "I want you to get loose." "Just keep dancing around." "Keep your left up!" "Jab, jab, jab, Trap!" "Jab!" "He's just loosening up now." "He's gotta get in shape." "Takes a while, you know, to... get back in shape, get your old stuff back." "He's gotta get his wind back and everything." "I'll write his wife." "Don't listen to him." "Just keep moving." "Keep hanging in there." "Keep your left up." "Up, up with the left." "Move, Trapper." "Oh, hi, Father." "I trained a number of boys to box back home." "You have any advice for Trapper?" "Prayer." "I don't think he's got one." "Thanks, Father." "Once again?" "Double or nothing?" "A glass stomach?" "Let's go!" "Pick those legs up!" " Breathe deeply!" "Run!" "Move it!" " I'm tired, Hawkeye." " How far have I run?" " Thirty feet." "That'll do it." "I figure to punch him, not run him to death." "Now put more shoulder into it." "Use your whole body." "Try it again, try it again." "Morning, Major." "Good morning, Captain." "I can't ask you to stay." "My boy's in training." "He can't even look at a woman till after the fight." "Oh, I understand." " Just a minute." "Isn't that Frank's bag?" " I thought you were Frank's bag." "How's it going?" "We decided to have a victory drink now, in case there's no need to later." " Care to join us?" " Yeah." "Anything wrong?" "General Barkerjust pulled in with his fighter." "He looks real big." " How big?" " If he wanted to, he could be a platoon." " Looks kind of mean, too." " Mean?" "What does "mean" mean?" "Mean means nothing." "It's skill that counts." "Big and mean have nothing to do with it." "A guy told me that he was crossing the road, and this jeep came too close to him." "He punched it." " He punched a jeep?" " He knocked it out." "Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps!" "Showboat." "You're not getting in the ring with him until I hear him speak." "This fight has just been called on account of chicken." "We are not gonna throw in the towel." "I'm ready to throw in the whole laundry truck." "This ape will never lay a glove on you." "Trust me." "You won't even have to touch him." "I'll go down during the instructions." "A little obvious." "I got a better idea." "I don't think I wanna risk my life on a dumb trick like this." "I know what I'm doing." "I pulled this same stunt in university." " Use more." "Use a lot." " I still say we should use a horseshoe." "A horseshoe is gauche." "Ether is subtle." "Then let's dip the horseshoe in ether." "Right." "Now, the thing you gotta do, Trapper, is you gotta jab." "Right?" "Keep jabbing." "Jab, jab, jabbing." " Six whiffs, he'll be out cold." " Great." "And the thing to remember is not to get it near your own hooter." " Don't get it near your nose." " Get him in a clinch." " Get him in a clinch." " Hold it near his nose." "Hold it right in his nose." " How is the guy..." " He'll inhale it." "He won't know what hit him." "Keep it at his nose." "Keep him in the clinch so he can't move." "All he can do then is..." "Way to go, champ!" " Sugar Ray breaks his face." " You're kidding." "Broke his nose, his jaw, ethmoid, sinuses." "The guy's a mess." " Gentlemen, may I join you?" " Please, not while we're eating." "What kidders." " What happened?" " That guy never went down." " Ten-hut!" " As you were." "McIntyre, I don't believe you've met Sergeant Flacker." "Easy." "Me, doctor." "Need hands... operate." "Henry, can we rustle up some steaks for the sergeant?" " Yes, sir." " Good." "Come on." "Come on, boy." "Hurry." "He looked at your arm like it was an hors d'oeuvre." "Dittsbury, you wanna go out and get Flacker a cow?" "Are you sure that Nurse Cutler's worth it?" "I really don't want you to get hurt." "Hurt?" "What would you say, Henry, if I told you that Trapper is gonna win that fight?" " All right, OK." "Down, Henry, down." " I'm sorry." "But you mean Trapper beat that gorilla?" " That's ether." " A little louder." "The cook didn't hear you." " It's not very ethical." " It's not even moral, but we're in a war zone." "I don't want to know about it." "I mean, I love it, but I don't want to know about it." " Where is it?" "You sure you got it?" " I'll put it on right after the introductions." "Make sure you use enough." "I don't want him waking up until I've been a civilian a few years." " Did you get it?" " Nothing but pure distilled water." "Would you be averse to laying a small bet on the outcome?" " No, sir." " A hundred?" " Dollars?" " Yes." " You got it." " Good." "Good evening and welcome to the Inter-camp Boxing Tournament." "Introducing the contestants:" "In this corner, representing the 3099th Mobile Army Hospital, weighing 260 pounds, with a record of 97 wins, no losses, and three arrests," "Sergeant "Killer" Flacker!" "Hooray!" "And in this corner, representing the fighting 4077th, weighing 175 pounds - all of it heart " "Kid Doctor!" "All right, fellas, I want a good, clean fight." "Who doesn't?" "No low blows, holding, rabbit punches or kidney punches." "Sounds like a dull evening." "Back to your corners." "When you hear the bell, come out fighting." "And may the best man win." "Don't breathe in any of this stuff yourself." "Keep the glove away." "Put the glove in his face!" "Put it in his face, for chrissake!" "Put the glove in his face!" "Put it in his face!" "That's a pretty unorthodox style your boy has there." " He's still on his feet." " Maybe you'd like to double that bet?" " If you insist, General." " Good." "Get him in a clinch and..." "What's he doing?" "Get it in his face!" "Get it up in his face!" "Get it up in his face!" "Stick it in his face!" "What's the matter with you?" "!" "Get up, Trap!" "Get up!" "One... two three..." "Hello, Hawkeye." "What are you doing at the prom?" "We've been had!" "Somebody switched bottles on us." "You stall him." "I'll be right back." "No, you stall him." "I'll be right back." "One... two..." "Get up, Trap!" "...three... four..." "Get up!" "Pull yourself up!" "...five..." "You're OK, you're OK, you're OK." " Where am I?" " You're right here, in the ring." "Now for the big question: who am I?" "Everything is gonna be all right." "Don't waste time." "Get him in a clinch and stick this right in his face." "Whose face?" "Get him in a clinch!" "That's it!" "Hug him!" "Get him in a..." "That's it!" "Stick it in his face!" "Get it..." "That's it!" "That's it!" "One... two three... four six... seven eight nine... ten." " How does it feel?" " Hard to see." "I couldn't get a prescription steak." " You want a martini?" " My very thought." "Oh, here's something for both eyes." "Gentlemen..." "You lived up to your part of the deal, and I have lived up to mine." "Keep moving or you're dead." "It's true." "You fought for me." " That's right." " I'm impressed." " I hope so." " I managed him." " Does it hurt?" " Not a lot." "I laid out his training." "It's not easy, planning strategy, standing in the corner." "I'd have fought myself, but I had this shoulder injury in college, and it never got better." "I, uh..." "I try not to burden my friends with it, actually." "Here, put this on your shoulder." "It'll help."