"(Rousing orchestral fanfare playing)" "(Fanfare ends)" "(Whooshing)" "(Thump)" "(Gentle orchestral music plays)" "MALE NARRATOR:" "Nothing is more inspiring" "Than the tale of a sports hero." "But this story is about the other guy... (Crowd roars in distance) The LOSER." "And as you'll see, even failure has its champion." "His name?" "Lambeau Fields." "To me, he's a hero," "An inspiration and a friend." "To the rest of the world," "He's the worst coach in the history of sports." "Hey, Bill!" "Buckner!" "What?" "What's a six-Letter word" "For a tropical fruit?" "Not now." "I'm thinking it might be "banana"!" "Zip it." "Be quiet." "Could be "papaya"!" "Fields, this is the World Series, man- Are you crazy?" "ANNOUNCER:" "Slow roller down to first." "It gets through Buckner's legs!" "The Mets win!" "The Mets win!" "It's "Papaya. "" "(Crowd roaring)" "(Rock music plays)" "(Tires screech) Let's go!" "Whoa!" "That's on me." "Marco, come here." "Go tell Zidane, tell him I said... (Speaking mock-French gibberish)" "(Laughs):" "Go tell him I said that." "Ta mere est une vielle... terroriste." "(Grunts)" "(Shouts, gasps)" "I don't remember saying "Chain-Smoking. "" "NARRATOR:" "Being labeled the biggest loser in the history of mankind" "Finally got to old Coach Fields," "And he hit rock bottom." "Coach?" "Freddie." "Good to see you." "My God," "I hardly recognized you." "I bought a new hat." "(Laughs):" "Nice." "It's good to see you, buddy." "I got a proposition for you." "All right." "Let's walk and talk." "I'm late for work." "Yeah." "Hey, Manuel, Javier, Sanchez, Cornelio, new guy." "(High-Pitched voices):" "Hola, Coach." "They ride the horses." "NARRATOR:" "Coach wasn't exactly coaching anymore." "His job was to help facilitate" "The continuation of the noble Seabiscuit lineage." "It was about helping out Mother Nature." "To draw forth the building blocks" "Of the champion D.N.A. Which" "Aw, hell." "He was yanking off horses." "So, tell me about this big offer of yours." "There's this small college in Plainfolk, Texas" "Heartland State University." "It's got a beautiful campus and awesome athletic program." "They need a new head football coach." "Me go back to coaching?" "(Horse grunts, neighs)" "Oh." "Sorry." "(Horse grunts softly) Okay." "(Horse pants quietly)" "Listen, Coach..." "You and me we've been through wars together, right?" "And no matter what anybody says," "I mean, you're one of the best leaders ever." "It's time for you to get back into coaching." "(Horse panting harder) I appreciate it," "But I'm happy here." "For once in my life, I'm proud of what I'm doing." "(Hearty grunting)" "I said no!" "No means no!" "You know what no means." "Aah!" "You just finish yourself." "(Neighing) Aah!" "Thanks anyway, buddy." "Good to see ya." "Uh, I shouldn't, 'cause, you know... (fake coughing)" "I got a terrible cold." "(Exciting theme music plays)" "Coming up on Fox Sports News, Maria Sharapova battles" "The mighty Venus Williams at the Australian Open." "(Kisses)" "(Deep roaring)" "(Inhales)" "(Shrieks)" "(Loud boom)" "(Crowd gasping, yelling) Here, Maria!" "(Shutters clicking)" " Smile!" " Right here!" "WOMAN (calls):" "Coach?" "There you are." "Is something wrong?" "Freddie Wiseman came to see me today." "Told me about a coaching job." "College football." "But I said no." "I told him I'm out." "Sweetie..." "Are you sure?" "I mean, coaching is in your blood." "Like-Like hepatitis C or..." "or traces of cocaine." "(Sighs)" "I don't know, Barb." "It would mean moving again." "You know, this house is perfect for us." "Look at this den." "It's already filled" "With sports memorabilia and trophies." "You know, it's not too late" "For you to get a trophy of your own." "That'd be something, wouldn't it?" "Oh, come on." "Coaching is a Fields family tradition" "Like cockfighting or identity theft." "That's true." "Maybe I will give it another shot." "Yeah!" "You can't keep a legend" "In the shadows for long." "(Like slow-Motion):" "Set!" "Hut!" "Honey... (Speaking in distorted, slow-Motion)" "(Imitates slow-Motion collision) Honey, honey," "Honey, um..." "Just promise me that you won't get so consumed by winning" "That you completely forget about this family." "What?" "!" "Family comes first." "You know that." "Really?" "And how many of Michelle's" "Gymnastics meets have you been to?" "Michelle?" "Your daughter." "Oh, of course, Michelle." "(Baby crying)" "What the hell was that?" "Your son." "Scruffy!" "Jeffrey!" "Well, someone's name is Scruffy." "Scruffy was your dog when you were ten." "I..." "See, honey, this is exactly what I'm talking about." "(Phone rings)" "Hello." "Sorry, wrong number." "(Exhales):" "That was the police." "They're looking for the parents of a girl named Michelle." "What?" "(Sighs):" "Don't worry, sweetie." "We're gonna get through this." "(Whispers):" "Honey, that's not Michelle." "Michelle Fields," "You have been charged with property damage," "Robbery, arson, indecent exposure" "And being an insatiable cock tease." "(Laughs):" "That got a lot of hits on YouTube." "Therefore," "I hereby sentence you to rejoin" "The USA Gymnastics Team." "No!" "Why would you do this to me?" "Hey, Tommy B. Yeah, Lawdog here." "Listen, I wanna put 50 grand on the US womens gymnastic team" "To win the gold in Beijing." "(Muffled response) Thanks, buddy." "Oh, shit." "I have my reasons." "(Angry grunt) (loud kick)" "This is all your fault!" "Oh, sweet Jesus." "How could this happen?" "(Gentle music playing)" "It's okay, Coach, it's all right." "We'll get through this." "(Crying):" "We're getting a ticket!" "I knew that was a loading zone!" "NARRATOR:" "So Coach took the job" "At Heartland State and made a promise to his family" "That he wouldn't forget 'em." " Wait!" "Wait a second!" " Dad, wait up!" "(Baby crying)" " Dad!" " Coach!" "#You take one down You pass it around#" "NARRATOR:" "They settled in Plainfolk, Texas." "A sleepy little town," "So cozy that it didn't even have a traffic light." "#No more bottles of beer on the wall #" "Coach Fields was back in the game" "But this time, he really had his work cut out for him." "FIELDS:" "Welcome to your first practice, gentlemen." "Hope you're ready for the worst six weeks of your life." "I'm gonna do things to your bodies" "That are cruel, painful and unnatural." "I'm gonna ride your ass" "Day and night." "I'm gonna make you bleed" "From places that you've never bled from before." "It's gonna hurt bad." "It's gonna hurt deep." "Then it's gonna start to feel good." "Then it's gonna hurt again." "Now, I need to get this team down to a 32-Man roster," "Which means some of you ladies are gonna be cut." "Starting with you, you" " And you." " Hey, Coach, we didn't even" "Get a chance to play yet." "If there's one thing I can spot, it's talent." "Coach, we're the only players on this team who can play." "Wait, man, how do you think you get these?" " Huh?" " EBay." "Maybe next year, guys." "Thanks for coming out." "All right, let's see if I've got" "Anybody else out here worth a damn." "Randy Randinger!" " Here, Coach." " Where?" "Right here, sir." "I'm ready to give it my all." "I'll do whatever it takes to make this team." "Refill the waters, get fresh towels..." "Buff everyone's helmet." "Oh..." "That helmet." "I thought you were talking about something else." "Good." "We got a towel boy." "Next" "Buddy Boy Jones!" "All right!" "I got me" "A big, mean son of a bitch!" "(Sighs):" "I wouldn't hurt a fly, Coach." "Football is war, son." "You got to be a killer." "(Shrieks):" "Ow!" "I'm telling on you!" "(Squeaky sobbing)" "Next, ACL Tear!" "(Running steps)" "It's pronounced "Aseel," sir." "Aseel Tare." "ACL Tear." "Got it." "It says here you rushed for a thousand yards last season." "Keep it up, you could turn pro." "Hope so, Coach." "Nothing can hold you back." "Except an unforeseen career-Ending injury." "(Chuckles):" "What are the odds of that happening, ACL Tear?" "It's Aseel, sir." "Aseel Tare." "(Chuckles)" "Got it." "ACL Tear." "(Music playing in distance) Right there." "Is that a radio I hear?" "No, that's just I Pod." "(Grand orchestral music playing)" "(Music grinds to a stop)" " Whoa!" " (Yells)" "(Others laughing)" "God, what a retarded ass retard." "(Derisive laughter)" "Hey!" "(Laughter stops abruptly)" "I don't ever want to hear that word again!" "You're talking about a person," "A human being!" "Come here, son." "He may be a moronic cretin," "A drooling mush head," "A short bus-Riding, window-Licking" "Spaz-Ass simpleton," "But he is not a retard." "If there's one thing I do not tolerate," "That's disrespect." "Okay, I Pod." "How'd you like to be my assistant?" "Yeah." "Let this be a lesson for all of you." "You judge not, lest ye be judged." "It's time someone gives this man a chance." "To once and for all show that" "Okay, that's enough." "All right, get him off me." "Get him off me." "(Hip-Hop music playing on car stereo)" "(Hip-Hop music continues)" "WOMEN:" "Here comes Trotter, here comes Trotter." "Here come who?" "WOMEN:" "Trotter, Trotter, he's a star." "Touchdown, Trotter, touchdown." "What's this all about?" "What's it to you, old man?" "This "old man" is your new coach." "I want you suited up" "In two minutes, or you're off my squad." "(Chuckles):" "Looks like we gonna have us a problem, then." "You know that, right?" "(Laughs)" "Figurin' out what to do with the other" "Minute and 99 seconds." "(Hip-Hop music plays)" "(Fireworks crackling)" "Let's get something straight, Trotter." "I don't like the ego, I don't like the flash," "I don't like that..." "my daughter is" "Coming out of your limo." "PLAYER:" "Damn!" "What are you doing in there?" "Just, um, getting a ride to school" "With my new boyfriend" "And..." "lover." "Oh, please," "This is just another one of your rebellious stunts" "Trying to make me mad." "It's not a stunt, Dad." "It's just me having a boyfriend..." "Who happens to be black." "(Trotter sniffles)" "See you later." "Black boyfriend." "(Indistinct chatter) PLAYER:" "Damn!" "All right!" "Any walk-Ons?" "Hey, Coach." "Name is Vince." "I'm just a bartender from Philly" "Whose only dream is to play ball." "(Poignant violin music plays) It's all I got left" "After I lost my job teaching and my wife left me." "Like my alcoholic father used to say before he passed on," ""A man can only take so much failure!"" "I promise to give you everything I got." "What do you say, Coach?" "(Finishes with flourish)" "I say you can add "Did not make the football team"" "To your list of woes." "Now beat it, buzzkill." "(Whistles)" "Okay, ladies, show time!" "Offense, hit the line!" "Defense, give 'em hell!" "Let's see what you boys got!" "Not you." "FIELDS (clapping):" "All right!" "Hike the damn ball!" "(Grunting)" "FIELDS:" "I suppose we don't have a quarterback." "All right!" "Still don't have a quarterback." "Any other positions we need to fill?" "We need a kicker." "Can I be kicker, Coach?" "I'll steam up your wiener" "And stick it between my buns." "Oh." "That wiener." "Yeah, this is great." "Middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere." "How am I gonna find an all-American quarterback?" "DEEP MALE VOICE:" "If you build it, he will come." "(Orchestral music plays)" "VOICE:" "If you build it, he will" "Come..." "Who will come?" "Your father." "Your dead father." "My father's not dead." "I just spoke with him this morning." "You got to be shittin' me." "Is this 314 Bentley Road?" "No, this is 314 Bentley Drive." "Fucking MapQuest." "I've got to get G.P.S." "Anyway, I know a quarterback." "His name is Lance Truman." "You'll find his ass on the baseball field." "(Electronic beeping)" "Lance Truman?" "Yeah." "Name's Lambeau Fields." "New football coach over at Heartland." "Word on the street" "Is that you're a damn good quarterback." "Yeah, my dad wants me to focus on baseball." "Sorry, Coach." "Let me talk to your father." "He needs to know that you're wasting your gift here." "All right, listen, could we just drop the football thing?" "My dad's made up his mind- Baseball's my future." "Then prove it- Strike me out." "Are you serious?" "Your best pitch." "You got some wood?" "No." "But I did on the way over here, though." "Sometimes when I'm driving, I like to prop a cup of coffee" "In my lap, and there's just something about the hot steam" "Against my knuckleballs" "That really, you know..." "Just makes old Charlie hustle." "Yeah, that kind of wood." " Right." " Right." "That's it." "Thought for a second you were talking about cock." "(Dramatic spaghetti-Western music plays)" "(Music gets faster)" "I put everything I had on that." "It's time we go talk to your dad." "(Sighs)" "Got a good feeling about this year." "By the way, where's the closest hospital?" "Uh..." "County General." "Why?" "Oh, no reason." "I'm just gonna pop in there, grab an aspirin." "(Chuckles):" "Got a little headache, I guess." "(Gasping):" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ee!" "MAN:" "Well, I'm sorry you had to drive" "All the way out here, Fields." "I could've told you" "Over the phone I wasn't gonna let my boy play football." "(Gulping)" "Have you always drank this much," "Mr. Truman?" "No." "Went for 11 straight years without a drink." "What happened?" "Turned 12." "I really wish you'd reconsider, Mr. Truman." "Your son had a great season last year." "Hell, he might have been great," "If he could learn how to keep from dropping the dang ball." " That's not true, Dad." " Oh, no?" "Then what the hell is this?" "(Recording of crowd booing)" "That's the Droppie Award for most fumbles in a season." "And what the hell is this?" "LANCE:" "That's a picture of me at Camp Fumblewatha." "And what are you eating in that picture?" "(Sobs):" "A Butterfingers." "This conversation is over, Coach." "My boy's not playing for anyone," "'Cause I can't stand the guys at the mill" "Asking me why my boy can't hold on to the goddamn ball!" "Dad!" "I just want to make you proud, Dad," "So you can hold your head up high." "Please, Dad?" "(Stripper music playing)" "All right." "But if you give those men at the mill" "Any reason to laugh at me, I swear to God..." "You work at a mill?" "The Sugar Mill- It's out on Route 39." "I do Cher four nights a week, Christina Aguilera on Saturday." "(Stripper music continues) (gulping)" "(Belches)" "(Can clatters to floor)" "(Blows kiss)" "(Indian sitar music plays)" "(Ball whooshing through air)" "(Girls cheering)" "Isn't she the best kicker you've ever seen?" "(Sprinklers spraying) (cheering)" "Kicker?" "Oh, hey, look- They're playing sports." "How you doing?" "Name's Coach Fields." " I want you to be my kicker." " Wow!" "I would like that very much." " So you'll join the squad?" " Under one condition:" "My parents can never know." "They're very traditional, believe a woman's life" "Should be spent in service to her husband, cooking," "Cleaning, and pleasuring with the mouth." " Hello." "Welcome to the team." " Hi." "Hi." "Oh, my God." "(Chuckles):" "Hey, what's this thing?" "Oh, that's for your nose." "You put it on your face." "It's a nose guard." "(Others snickering)" "(Laughter)" "Well, I thought it was a really small" "One of these." "Hey." "I'm Lance." "Lance Truman." "I'm your new quarterback." "Word of advice, quarterback." "You just give me the damn ball, and you stay out of my way." "This my team." "This my turf." "And this... (Quiet music plays) This my..." "My Little Pony collection." "Rainbow Dash, first edition." "Still in the box, bitch." "FIELDS:" "Huddle up!" "Listen up!" "Sit down." "Been doing a little bit of research." "Turns out..." "Every single one of you made the dean's list last semester." "(Whooping) Yeah!" "And I got to say, gang..." "I will not stand for this bullshit!" "Now, if we're gonna be winners," "I'm gonna need a commitment from you." "So we're all gonna sign a little contract." "Why don't you pass those out." "I want to start seeing D's..." "And F's." "I want you to cut class." "I want academic probation." "When I walk in that locker room, I want to smell reefer." "I want phone calls in the middle of the night" "To bail you horn dogs out of jail." "I want felonies," "Lawsuits," "Sexual harassment allegations." "I want you to start acting like ballplayers, for Christ sake!" "(All talking) Hey!" "Hey!" "Anybody got a problem, you better speak up right and now!" "You know what I think of your contract, Coach?" "(Others murmuring)" "(Mariachi music playing)" "You got a lot of anger, son." "That's 'cause I'm from somewhere you can't even imagine." "The skreets." "Dude, you grew up two houses down from me." "We lived in the same cul-De-Sac." "Which is a dead-End skreet," "And no hope of ever getting out." "Unless you turn around in this one guy's driveway, and..." "He didn't like that, so..." "It became this whole thing." "You don't like my rules..." "George Johnson, is it?" "(Low, ominous music plays)" " Ooh." " Uh-Oh." "It's pronounced Jorge Juanson," "And no, I don't like your contract." "And I don't like you, either, ese." "You want to take a swing at me, kid?" "Then do it." "Punch me." "Go on." "Unless you're afraid." "(Grunts) Ooh!" "Oh!" "(Groans)" "(Woozily):" "That it?" "Had enough?" "Here's your tooth, Coach." "Thanks." "(Rock music playing)" "Well..." "look who's here." "She looks skinny..." "Fat." "Her leotard's cute..." "Yuck." "(Laughs):" "Yeah." "She's pretty..." "Hot." "(Nervous chuckle):" "I mean..." "I would like to smother her." "Yeah." "With my breasts." "(Rock music continues)" "(Music ends)" "(Grunts) (laughter)" "She never could stick it." "God, she could stick me." "Hi." "I'm Lance." "So, um, what are you, like..." "The laundry man?" "No, I just joined the football team." "Me and a few guys from the team work here" "A few hours a week, make some extra cash." "That's kind of brutal." "Well... it's got its perks." "(Pop music playing)" "(Music fades)" "Anyway, um..." "I was wondering," "Would you like to go out sometime?" "No." "Why not?" "'Cause I'm not looking for a man." "Huh?" "I already have one." "Oh." "(Hip-Hop music playing)" "TROTTER:" "What's up, baby?" "Let's go get something to eat," "'Cause a brother's starvin'." "I already ate." "Don't call me baby." "Makes me feel like an object." "I'm sorry." "He was talking to me." "Come on, baby." "Boy got laundry to do." "(Sighs):" "Some guys have all the luck." "Oh, yeah." "FIELDS:" "Hey, gang." "Gather around- I want to show you something." "This is my old bucket" "From my own college-Playing days." "I was a fullback." "Short-Yardage specialist" "For the Loserville Golden Oafers." "They'd bring me in in goal line situations mostly," "You know, the Hammerhead to punch it in." "Yo, how many touchdowns you score?" "Nada, zilch." "Zero, not one." "(Sighs):" "Boy... (Chuckles):" "I'd give anything for one last shot." "Why didn't you score, Coach?" "Quick answer:" "No talent." " (Laughing)" " In the big picture," "We didn't play as a team." "Now, there's one week before our first game." "We've got to be one body, one heartbeat." "Now, who do you play for?" "ALL:" "The Comebacks!" "Trotter." "Who?" "The Comebacks!" "Trotter!" "(Others murmuring)" "Sorry, gang, but we are a team." "If I've got to bust his hump," "I've got to bust all of your humps." " Come on, man!" " Complaining's not" "Gonna make a difference" "It's hump-Busting time." "(Rock music playing)" "FIELDS:" "Right!" "Dig!" "That's it!" "That's my team!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "Ooh!" "Ow!" "Ah!" "Randinger!" "Stop goofing around!" "Get up here!" "(Chattering)" "(All screaming)" "Oh, my God." "Survive on the ice, you can survive anywhere." "(Grunting)" "Yeah!" "(Distorted):" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "(Whistle blows)" "(Squeaky):" "Yeah!" "If you can dodge a wrench," "You can dodge a tackler." "(Loud clattering)" "Same thing goes for a firearm." "(Gunshots)" "(Screaming)" "Did I dodge it?" "Walk it off." "All right, listen up." "(Exhales)" "No one's going home today" "Until one of you can knock me down." "(Grunting)" "(Excited chatter)" "(Groans)" "(Hoarsely):" "Okay, everybody hit the showers." " Who do you play for?" "!" " ALL:" "Comebacks!" "(Muffled):" "Trotter!" "Trotter!" "(Muffled yelling)" "All right, good!" " You're finally a team!" " (Whooping)" "(Cheering)" "(Randinger whooping)" "Except for you, Randy- You'll be riding the pine." "Oh, come on Coach." "I'll give you a rim job." "I work down at the car wash on the weekends." "I'll have your wheels sparkling in no time." "Car wash" " Right." "Sometimes I think I might have a dirty mind." "(Exciting theme music plays)" "First, highlights of last night's title-Card bout" "Featuring a courageous comeback attempt" "From the 93-Year-Old Rocky Balboa." "(Rocky-Like theme plays)" "(Crowd shouting)" "(Gasps)" "(Door opens)" "Hey, fellas." "Name's Lambeau Fields." "Just thought I'd drop by and introduce myself." "Oh, we know who you are." "We know all about you and your contract" "And your plans for our team." "We want you to know something," "Coach." " We think that's terrific!" "We do!" "(Laughter)" "But if you think you can try using" "Unconventional training methods and crazy game plans..." " We support that 100 percent." " Yeah, we do." "We do." "But if you should play that first game..." "And lose..." "Aw, heck, there's always another game after that." " There's so many games in a season!" " They play a lot!" "I can't tell you how relieved that makes me feel, so..." "Well, good." "But if you should lose that second game," "We'll tie you to a tree and pour pig's blood" "All over your ass and let the coyotes have at you." "(Laughter)" "Good luck on your first game tomorrow." " Like some coffee?" " Begging for mercy." " Oh, drink up now." " Sure." " Oh, we brew it fresh here." " I'd be honored if you held my gun." " Oh, go ahead and take a try with that." " Yeah." " It's real good." " Careful, it's hot." "Well, I'm just- (Screaming)" " Heh, Hey, shooter!" " Use that to stir it." "You can have the whole thing" "Put the weapon down." "Put the weapon down." "NARRATOR:" "And Coach heard their message loud and clear." "You see this was a town that loved its football." "A brisk Saturday in autumn" "Was like a holiday for these folks." "The whole town shut down on game day." "Everyone in Heartland, and I mean everyone," "Was at the game." "MAN (over loudspeakers):" "Here they are," "Your Heartland State University Comebacks!" "(Whooping, shouting)" "(Woman whoops)" "Hi, honey!" "(Kisses)" "Good luck!" "What's going on?" "Where is everyone?" "They're all two towns over" "At the University of Texas game." "Hey, the Longhorns just scored!" "ANNOUNCER:" "And here comes the visiting team," "The Boner State Trojans!" "(Whooping, cheering)" "(Rock music playing)" "FIELDS:" "These Trojans are tough." "They're rock-Hard on offense!" "They've got a stiff defense!" "They'll exploit any opening they see." "And if they get in a groove, they can score all night long," "Any which way they want." "You can't lay down or they are really gonna pound us." " Season ticket holders coming through!" " Right here!" "12 years running!" "That's right!" "47-Yard line, bitch!" "(Hip-Hop music playing)" "(Music fades)" "(Girl screams)" "(Others yelling)" "(Whistle blowing) All right, we can do it." "ANNOUNCER (over speaker):" "And the Heartland State University" "Football season is... (Groans) ... as bad as it was last year." "(Screams)" "Team, hut!" "(Whistle blows)" "This is so humiliating." "Comebacks rule!" "(Barb screaming, players grunting)" "End of the first, Comebacks trail by 17." "Here comes Trotter." "Here comes Trotter." "You missed the whole first quarter." "Where have you been?" "Get off my back, Coach." "I was doing a thing." "Me." "And remember, Dad, he's black." "Black as a Mississippi August night." "All right, Trotter." "You're on the bench for the rest of the game." "If you're ever late again, you're off my squad." "Whatever, Coach." "I'm all you got and you know it." "I think you're forgetting about someone." "The future of this team." "And his name is ACL Tear." "Coach, you know, I've been thinking," "You might start to jinx me if you keep calling me," "Uh, that name." "Nonsense." "Now, get out there, ACL, and tear it up." "Tear it up good." "All right, Coach." "(Whistle blows) Go get 'em, Tear." "Let's go, Comebacks" "Execution, execution." "(Spitting)" "Green 80!" "Green 80!" "Set." "Hut." "FIELDS:" "Go." "(Cheering)" "Go!" "Ooh!" "(Groaning)" "(Whooshing)" "(Dramatic music plays)" "(Gulps)" "(Distorted yelling)" "(Crowd cheering)" "Nothing can stop him!" "Nothing can stop this kid!" "(Groaning and gasping)" "(Dramatic music plays)" "(Distorted yelling)" "(Triumphant theme resounds)" "'At a way, ACL Tear- Shake it off." " Way to take a hit from a bus, dude." " That's right." "(Spits)" "(Cracking) (Tare screaming)" "(Screaming continues)" "(Grunts)" "(Screams)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Final score:" "Trojans 83," "Comebacks 0." "(Tare whimpering)" "(Grunts)" "Hold this." "What did I tell you about dropping the ball?" "Dad, I only fumbled a couple of times." "A couple!" "Why don't you tell Maddonald here just exactly" "How many times you fumbled?" "Two." "Two!" "Two times!" "Is that what you call "a couple"?" "Actually, Dad, two is a couple." "This conversation is over!" "Come on." "Loser!" "You can kiss my ass." "(Projector clicking) BARB:" "Coach?" "(Sighs)" "You have been sitting in here for hours." "I've just got a few more films to go through." "Can't you watch them tomorrow?" "Not if I want my team to be ready" "To play the Titans next week." "(Chuckles)" "It's starting again, Coach." "Hmm?" "You're ignoring me, this family." "I am not." "Oh, please!" "You have sat in here night after night, forgetting about me" "And everything that matters to you." "Ignoring us is-Is something that you've never been able to resist," "Like a make-Your-Own-Taco bar or midget wrestling." "Jesus, Barb." "This is my last shot." "These films matter." "I need them to become a better coach, to win." "I just don't see how watching" "Man-On-Man porn makes you a better coach." "Why must everyone question my method?" "(High-Pitched crying):" "Why does it have to be so hard core?" "Once again, my method!" "Can you knock it off, I Pod?" "It's a DVD, for God's sakes." "(Clicking stops)" "(Dog barking in distance)" "(Classical music playing)" "(Breathing loudly)" "(Knock at door)" "It's open." "(Clears throat)" "Hey, um..." "Hi." " I was just, um..." " I get it." "Practicing ballet will help with your footwork in the pocket?" "Exactly." "It's the footwork in the pocket." "Um..." "Yeah, what's up?" "I'm supposed to give you these." "Oh, okay." "The Gridiron Gangbang." "The Bad News Bare Asses." "The Longest Nards." " His method." " His method." "Yeah." "What's that all about?" "What?" "Oh, this?" "My dad thought it might help me" "Hold onto the ball for next game." "Does it hurt?" "I'm kind of used to it." "So he's done this before?" "Yeah." "(Sighing):" "Yeah." "There, that'll keep you from letting go." "(Screaming)" "Hey, look out for the tr- (Groans)" "Don't worry about it." "They're baby teeth." "You'll grow new ones." "Happy 12th birthday, Lance." "There you go." "Drink up." "Let's get out of here." "Let's go to a bar or something." "The thing is, it's all my fault." "I got a great arm, but I keep dropping the ball." "I always have." "I mean, I don't know how to fix it." "See?" "(Sighs)" "You have no idea what it's like" "To have a father whose entire world is sports." "(Scoffs):" "Oh, you think so?" "(Guitar strumming softly)" "Mom, go long." "Go long." " Close your eyes" " Right?" "Don't want you to see..." "That's my girl, straight A's!" "(Chuckling):" "Straight A's!" "Let's just say it" "(Whistle blowing) Where are we going?" "Illegal use of the hands." " Have we gone too far?" " Game over." "Have we gone too far?" "Wow." "I had no idea." "Have we gone too far?" "I thought that I had the craziest sports dad ever." "Me, too." "Just close your eyes" "What a surprise" "Till we get there" "You won't know where" "See you around" "I hope I see you around" "Just close your eyes" "The way I always do" "It's always a surprise" "To be with you" "You won't know where..." "Wow." "They look just like footballs." "(Sighs)" "Oh." "(Both chuckle)" "Oh." "(Pitter-Pattering)" "No, wait." " I, I can't do this." " No." "Yeah, it's okay, I can hold onto them." " No, really, I..." " No, just give me a chance." "It's all wrong." "I have a boyfriend." " Yeah, I know." " So I have to... go." "No!" "I..." "Um, Michelle, I..." "I need to tell you something." "(Door slams) Michelle." "(Hip-Hop music playing)" "Out of my way, fat ass." "You finally decide to block something and it's my locker?" "I was just going to drop off an invitation" "To my birthday party." "FYI, there's going to be a petting zoo." "(Whimpers)" "Nice." "Score one for Trotter," "Which is one more than he had yesterday." "PLAYERS:" "Ooh..." "Look, man, why don't you just pretend this whole thing" "Is a football..." "and just drop it?" "PLAYERS (louder):" "Ooh!" "Why don't you act like a barbell and get benched?" "(Cheering)" "Why don't you pretend this whole thing is a basket" "Full of groceries and get sacked?" "(Yelling)" "Hey, hey!" "Why don't you act like my parents," "Go upstairs and have some makeup sex?" " Huh?" " What?" "(Players hooting)" "(Groaning)" "(Whimpers softly)" "(Grunting)" "Hey!" "(Locker banging)" "Knock it off!" "Knock it off!" "(Grunting):" "Yeah." "(Grunts)" "Now, you listen to me." "This is a team." "And the only way we're going to win" "Is when you start acting like one." "And you can sure as hell bet that no one is leaving" "This locker room until you understand" "What being a team is all about." "Coach is right." "We got to start believing in each other." "Like brothers." "That's the only way we're going to win." "Please." "You'll never be my brother." "Si, es la verdad." "We're all too different." "Nothing in this world could bring this team together." "(Pop music playing)" "(Falsetto):" "#Just a small-Town girl #" "#Living in a lonely world#" "#She took a midnight train going anywhere#" "#Just a city boy#" "#Born and raised in South Detroit#" "#He took the midnight train going anywhere!" "#" "#A singer in a smoky room#" "#The smell of wine and cheap perfume#" "#For a smile, they can share the night#" "#It goes on and on and on and on#" "(Applause and cheering) #Strangers waiting#" "#Up and down the boulevard#" "#Their shadows searching in the night#" "#Streetlight people#" "#Livin' just to find emotion#" "#Hiding#" "#Somewhere in the night#" "(Instrumental break)" "#Strangers waiting#" "#Up and down the boulevard#" "#Their shadows searching#" "#In the night#" "#Don't stop believin' #" "#Hold on to that feeling#" "#Streetlight people #" "#Don't stop believin' #" "# Hold on #" "#Streetlight... #" "And the booster club laughed at me when I demanded" "A smoke machine and laser lights for the locker room." "(Chuckles)" "FIELDS:" "All right, gather 'round, take a knee." "Got a letter here from a little boy named Bobby Taylor." "The kid's sick, real sick." "Probably won't make it through the night." "Goddamn it." "Bobby has one last dying wish." "That's for the opposing team to win this game." "Now, we gonna let Bobby get his wish?" "ALL:" "No!" " What do we want him to do?" " ALL:" "Die sad!" " Can't hear you." " Die sad!" "Get out there..." "(overlapping shouting)" "(Screams)" "(Hip-Hop music playing)" "(Girl screaming)" "(Car alarm blaring)" " Let's go, Comebacks." " Yeah, Comebacks." " Who are they playing?" " Uh, I don't know, the Titans?" "Do you remember them?" " No, I don't, 'cause they're forgettable." " Very forgettable." "Okay, listen up." "Since our team got integrated," "I know a lot of you white players are nervous" "About losing your positions to our faster," "More athletic, more talented colored boys." "Well, you have nothing to worry about," "'Cause when the Titans take the field," "There is no black and white..." "just crimson and gold," " The colors of our uniform." " (Softly):" "Yes." "We family." "Starting lineup, Isaiah." "Come on." " Williams." " Yeah." " Washington." " Yeah." "Washington." " Washington." " Yes." "Damn." "Washington." "Yeah." " Jefferson." " Come on, Jefferson." "Jefferson, tell your mom I got caller I D now." "I know it's her." " Carter." " Come on, Carter." "Check his eligibility." " Boyer." " Yeah." " LeTroy." " Yeah!" "Let's do this!" "Where the hell you think you're going?" "You said Troy." "I said LeTroy." "Sit your marshmallow ass back on the bench." "White boy think he gonna cover a receiver." "You gonna learn," "Crack is whack and white don't cover black!" "(Troy gasps) Now let's pray." "CHEERLEADERS:" "Red and white." "That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right." "Red and white." "ANNOUNCER:" "Here's the kickoff," "As the Comebacks try to bounce back" "From last week's humiliating loss." "The ball is loose..." "and Trotter recovers!" "Yes!" "Yes!" " That's the way!" " Yeah, yeah!" "Yeah, baby." "That's the way right there." "Ready, break!" "Hmm?" "Mm-Hmm." "(Chuckles)" "Hike!" "Truman drops back." "Touchdown Comebacks." "(Applause and cheering)" "Their first score of the season." "Hike!" "(Grunting)" "(Applause and cheering)" "Juanson picks up the loose ball." " Touchdown!" " Whoo!" "That's how we do it." "All right!" "Sorry." "I hugged him a little too hard." "I like your badonkadonks, by the way." "(Gasping)" "(Clapping)" "Let's go!" "Set." "Hut!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Titans on the reverse." "Ooh, what a move!" "He's to the 30, the 20, the 10!" "Another Titans touchdown." "Are you kidding me?" "(Soul music playing)" "Let's go get the quarterback!" "Let's go!" "Yeah, I get it." "You're gonna kill me." "(Squealing)" "Wha-What's this part?" "Oh, that means he's gonna fist you too." "Time's ticking down, and we're still tied." "It all rests in the hands of quarterback Lance Truman." "Blue 20." "Blue 20." "Hut!" "He drops back." "(Grunts)" "They're going long!" "Juanson's wide open." " He makes the catch." " That's the way!" "Hot damn, he's on fire." "(RnB music playing)" "Touchdown!" "The Comebacks win!" "The Comebacks win!" "Whoo-Hah!" "(Screaming, grunting)" "Oh, gee." "Oh, di, do, do, di, do." "Whoo, you like that, you big baby, don't you?" " Take it like a man." " All right!" "Heck of a job out there today!" "(Cheering, clapping)" " Except for Randy." " PLAYERS:" "Aww..." "You had no part in the victory." "You added nothing." "Coach, can I play in the next game?" "I'll toss your salad." "Please tell me you're gonna start chopping up lettuce and tomatoes." "I'll salute your flagpole." "Please tell me you're a patriot." "I'll pack your fudge." "Please tell me you're a confectioner's assistant." "Oh, no." "I really meant I was gonna pack your fudge and toss your salad." "(Gulps)" "All right, listen." "I want you all to go out and celebrate." "Tear it up." "Explore your bodies." "Lather up your nethers, get 'em wet, sticky." "Shave it." "Go out and get yourself a venereal disease," "Whatever it is you kids are into these days." "All right, get in here." "S.T.D.'S on three." " One, two, three." " ALL:" "S.T.D.'S." "(Hip-Hop tune plays over stereo)" "(Overlapping chatter, laughter)" "The strippers are here." "(Cheering)" "Bling-Bling." "(Laughs) Bling-Bling, baby." "Yo, what took you so long, ese?" "Stuff isn't easy to find this time of night." "What's up, 'Seel?" "(Screams)" "That's some good shit." "Yeah..." "Now I can eat my Fruity Flakes." "(Surf music playing)" "I'll be right back." "(Groaning)" "(Knocking)" "Hey, Blue Crush, where you been?" "Catching some waves." "I'm a total hard-Core surfer chick." "At night?" "In the middle of Texas?" "I told you..." "I'm hard-Core." "What's that?" "I'm writing my local congressman," "Because I'm worried about the rapidly decaying future" "Of Social Security." "During a party?" "Why?" "Because everyone's labeled me rebellious," "So I'm rebelling against the rebellious label" "By being conscientious in rebellion." "Duh." "Michelle, I can't stop thinking about you." "That night when we kissed, and I..." "Bobbled your boobies..." "I don't want to talk about it." "Why not?" "Why won't you give me a chance?" "(Gentle music playing) Because if we went out," "You'd pick me up, we'd drive out to the lake," "Have a little picnic, some wine," "We'd lay out on a blanket and ball." "And ball, ball, ball, ball, ball." "We'd do it over and over for hours and hours." "And I would ride you so hard" "You wouldn't be able to walk for weeks." "We'd do it every day." "All the time." "Always trying new things" "And different positions." "Then we'd get married," "Move into a nice house and have kids." "Two vacations a year." "One on a beach, and one most likely in Europe," "With the occasional Africa or Asia." "Second home on a lake, early retirement." "Never tiring of each other's bodies" "Or lessening the frequency of sex." "Well, excuse me." "But that is not the type of life that I would want." "That sounded pretty good to me." "Especially the balling part." "Hmm." "You know what, Michelle?" "I bet, under that tough exterior of yours," "Under all that self-Tanner and macrame bikini," "There's something very warm and soft." "And pink." "Probably smells a little bit, but not too much." "I am not going to let you sweet-Talk me, Lance Truman." "Fine." "(Muffled music plays)" "(Loud music plays)" "(Girls giggling)" "I hope you are kidding me." "A study group." "Please tell me" "This is some kind of a joke." "Calculus." "Shakespeare?" "You all signed a contract." "What are you trying to do?" "Ruin your season before it even begins, huh?" "No, Coach." "We're simply trying to keep up our G.P.A.S." "Oh, is that what you call it?" "Mm-Hmm." "You make me sick, all of you." "Now, I was hoping..." "That you kids would have the gumption" "To do this on your own." "But, apparently," "I'm gonna have to take you by the friggin' hand." "You won a football game!" "Everybody knows that after you win a football game" "You're supposed to consume alcohol at a dangerous rate!" "Ah!" "You should be popping ecstasy, man!" "Oh, yeah, and huffing' some paint!" "What's the color?" "Good times." "(Sniffing)" "Yeah." "Look at me now, man." "Yeah, I brought all these illegal drugs to the party..." "In my fake Louis Vuitton bag that's chock-Full" "Of pirated DVDs I got down in Chinatown." "Who cares, man?" "I'm just having some fun, because I won a football game." "Yeah!" "I'm a huge drug-Pushing drug guy." "Check me out." "(Bong water gurgling)" "Gotta have some more of that." "(Groaning)" "That's the right spot." "(Trumpeting)" "Now I'm crazy wasted with a bunch of minors" "And I'm taking off all my clothes." "(Whimpers)" "Yeah, it's cool, man." "I'm a football player." "That's what we do!" "Ow!" "It's the cops!" "You'll never take me alive." "(Yelling)" "Freeze, tighty-Whities!" "(Electrical buzzing) Ah!" "Right in my Reggie Bush!" "(Grunts)" "(Buzzer sounds, groaning)" "Oh, come on." "You have got to be kidding me." "You can do it!" "Come on!" "Get it!" "Get it!" "Get it!" "(Groaning)" "Aw!" "I'm sorry, Clint." "I couldn't get it unstuck either." "Well, thanks for trying." "I should just ask for another one," " But that piece goes so well with the room." " Mm-Hmm." "It does coordinate nicely with those throw pillows." " Wanna have sex again?" " No, I'm good." "(Lock buzzing)" " Who are you?" " I'm the warden." "You can go free" "If you beat me in hoops..." " One on one." " Hoops?" "Me likey." "I feel I should warn you." "I was the leading scorer of the Jewish community center" "Bitty-Boy's Basketball League three years straight." "Well, I think I'm gonna spare you the humiliation" "And just wait to be bailed out." "(Chuckling)" "(Lock buzzing)" "Psst!" "Are you sure you don't want to cuddle?" "NARRATOR:" "And so, Coach called the only man" "He knew he could always count on." "The man who had been by his side through everything." "The only man he knew he could trust." "His partner, his rock, the wind beneath his wings-Me." "Thanks for coming, Freddie." "How long before you can get me out?" "I'm not going to be able to do that, Coach." "What?" "Why?" "It was right about then that Coach Fields" "Realized something was afoot." "His old friend Freddie had betrayed him" "And orchestrated a most nefarious scheme" " That would allow Freddie..." " Why you talking like that?" "Ooh, my bad." "But now you know, Coach." "The reason why I wanted you to be head coach of the Comebacks" "Is because I'm head coach" "Of the Lone Star State Unbeatables." "Coach of the number one team in the conference." "Yeah." "Yeah." "And I want it to stay that way." "See, I knew the Comebacks had a shot this year." "And I also knew, if I could talk you back into coaching" "They'd sink like a stone," "Because that's what you do, Coach- You lose!" "(Crying):" "You bastard." "How could you?" "Freddie decided it was time to go." "As for Coach, he had bigger things to worry about." "Why, just this morning," "He banged the wife of the guy sitting next to him." "Come on, Turbo." "That's impossible." "I'm in here with you." "I'll get you for this!" "(Laughs)" "Send a message to the warden." "I'll take him up on his little offer." "Your interpersonal skills are horrible." "And you're a terrible gossip." "Everybody knows that." "People talk about you." "You cheat at checkers." "Oh, why resist it?" "Aah." "Oop da." "Yeah, easy." "That's right." "(Rap music plays)" "(Soft rock music plays)" "(Grunts)" "Make it, take it, be-Yotch." "(Rapid hip-Hop scratch intro plays)" "Yeah!" "Come on!" "Is that all you got?" "I hope you weren't planning on leaving today." "(Grunting)" "(Music continues)" "(Grunting)" "FIELDS:" "Get that shit outta here." "It's called skills, junior." "And I guess I got some." "Whoa." "(Music continues)" "(Laughing)" "Change of rules." "Even if you win, you're still gonna stay here." "(Grunts aggressively)" "What you looking at?" "I'm not getting it." "Fine." " I'll get it." " (Lock buzzing)" "I got it." "Hurry up!" "(Tires squealing)" "Shit." "(Lock buzzing)" "All right, gang, today we play the Friday Night Lights." "They're one of the best teams in the conference." "I'm not going to lie to you." "There's a lot of drama going on over there." "Just found out that Rick fell off the wagon." "He's drinking again." "And Lyla is cheating on Jason" "With Tim, if you can believe that." "Smash can't control his temper," "And I just found out" "That last night," "Billy and Tyra" "Had a pre-Homecoming party" "And it got broken up by the cops," "Which means, for us..." "Automatic victory- They're not gonna make it!" "(Cheering, whooping)" "Rock n' roll!" "(Whistle blows)" "(Rock song playing)" "Blue, 22!" "Hike!" "(Baby crying)" "(Rock song continues)" "(Yelling) (Rock song continues)" "(Needle buzzing) (Rock song continues)" "(Cheering)" " Hey." " Hey, Coach." " How's it going, Coach?" " Good game, guys." "Thanks" "(Song fades)" "(Sighs)" "Oh, for the love of the game." "(Glass shattering)" "(Chain clinking)" "(Gears whirring)" "NEWSCASTER:" "We all remember that touching story" "Of the autistic high school boy" "Who was finally given his chance to play." "This amazing story has inspired people" "From all different walks of life." "Last night, at Cleveland General Hospital," "Dr. Edmund Grand allowed Billy, a longtime orderly," "A chance at his dream." "Touching story out of Cleveland." "Time of death- 8:05." "(Door opens)" "There you are." "Well... (Loudly sighs)" "Tonight should be the greatest night of my life, Barb." "But those kids, they still just don't get it." "Who's that?" "Who's who?" "That guy in the bed with you." "Right there." "Oh... um..." "I didn't think you'd mind." "We-We took in a foreign exchange student." "He's a foreign exchange student?" "Uh-Huh." "Where you from?" "I'm from, uh..." "Banging-Your-Wife-Istan." "Where is that?" "It's, uh..." "It's a little south of, uh, Doing-Barb's-Fine-Ass-Yvania." "All right, Coach, all right." "I..." "I just couldn't take it anymore." "You were never here, and I am a woman" " In her sexual prime." " Yeah." "Don't try to stop me, Coach." "I have finally found a man who gives me what I need." "There isn't a Doing-Barb's" "Fine-Ass-Yvania, is there?" "Is there?" "(Whistling)" "Big story developing out of Plainfolk, Texas." "Heartland State head coach Lambeau Fields" "Is taking an unusual stance against academic excellence." "He has locked his team out of practice all week," "And now the squad is in danger of forfeiting the upcoming" "Conference championship at the Toilet Bowl." "(Groans)" "You sure got to have some big clankers to come in here." "Go ahead." "Do your worst." "My wife left me." "Aw, hell." "It's my fault." "I forgot she was there." "Boys, if you find that perfect gal" "That has all the little things," "And, yet, she's willing to enhance them surgically" "Into bigger things." "And she doesn't mind showing them to your friends" "At a New Year's Eve party," "That's a gal." " Yeah." " That's the gal." "Well, don't take it so hard, poon cheeks." "We've all walking in on a loved one" "Getting barn-Doored by a half rack of bird doggers." " Yeah." " Yeah, we sure have." "(Sighs):" "Ow." "Hell, I remember when my Dorothy left me," "And I did everything I could to get her back." "And when I did, I made sure that she'd never leave me again." "How'd you do that?" "I treated her like a queen" "Like an Egyptian queen." "Mummified and entombed her in the basement." "Her shrieks of help like music to my ears." "It's all about communication, fellas." "My Jeanie, she used to wag her finger in front of my face" "And bug the bejesus out of me." "But, well, we sat down and when we discussed it" "In a mature manner and-And" "And now sh-She'll never," "Never wave this finger in front of me again." "(Mumbling):" "Amen to that." "Hey, you know what?" "I'm gonna tell you something." "It's about compromise." "Now take Salamander here." "Now we get up in each other's rifle racks now and again." "But then we make up and talk about it." "We bangity-Boo." "You know what I'm saying, Coach?" "Solid advice, fellas." "You're good people." "(Chain rattling) It's still locked." "(Horn honking)" "(Latin music on radio)" "What's up, guys?" "It's time to do something we should have done long ago." "Get in the back." "(Whooping, cheering) Let's go." "Let's do it!" "(Whooping)" "I think we're gonna need a bigger truck." "I can't believe you, Dad." "Haven't you put the team through enough?" "They did it to themselves, Michelle." "I finally found someone that I care about" "And you're taking away his dreams." "Sweetie, Trotter only cares about himself." "I don't like Trotter anymore." "There's somebody else." "Someone kind and sensitive." "Someone who" "Loves to laugh and..." "Makes me feel wanted and alive." "Michelle, I'm your daddy." "I'm talking about Lance." "Oh..." "Oh, good." "He's a good boy." "He has a future." "This could be the real thing." "I want what you and Mom have." "Herpes." "No!" "True love." "Oh... (Sighs)" "Well, if you find it, hold on to it tight." "Look at me." "I blew it." "I promised your mother I wouldn't let this job" "Get in the way of our family, and I failed her." "It's not too late, Dad." "You can change all of this." "All you have to do is win the championship." "Can't I lose by just a little?" "No, Dad." "You have to win." "You've spent your whole life losing," "And this is your last, and actually first chance," "To prove everyone wrong." "I know you're scared." "But you have to remember," "There used to be a..." "A big, big man inside of you." "There's a reason for that." "I was in prison, I didn't have a choice." "No, uh..." "What I'm trying to say is that..." "I believe in you, Dad." "Oh..." "And Mom does, too." "Sweetie..." "Thank you." "Well..." "Then I better take care of business." "And when I'm done, we're gonna win that championship." "(Rock music plays)" "What the hell is going on here?" "Hey, Coach." "Buddy Boy smashed a whole 12-Pack over his forehead." "I Pod's doing body shots out of his belly button." "And Jorge, he's been dancing like this" "For the past six hours." "And Jasminder, she made 300 bucks." "And I think that Randy lost his cherry" "To Gwen Stefani over there." "And our signed contracts." "I have never been so proud of a team in my entire life." "ALL:" "Yes!" "Who do you play for?" "ALL:" "Comebacks!" "Hello, everyone." "Al Michaels, along with John Madden, and welcome" "To Odessa, Texas, home of the second annual Toilet Bowl." "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "And-And this is the place you really want to be, Al" "I mean, right in the middle of the Toilet Bowl." "I mean, there's no place in the world I'd rather be." "(Cheering)" "(Ominous music plays)" "What's this, Freddie?" "Your players look like a bunch of thankless thugs and thieves." "That's because they are." "They're my gridiron gang." "So, you want to forfeit," "Save yourself a lot of embarrassment and pain?" "Why would I start now?" "Lance!" "Michelle." "I left something for you in your locker." "For good luck." "I know." "(Whispers):" "I'm wearing it." "What?" "The lace bra and the..." "Crotch-Less panties." "No." "I left you a note." "Oh." "A note saying that I'm sorry" "For the way that I treated you." "That I was afraid of a real relationship." "That I'm not afraid anymore." "That I am dying to let you know how much I love you." "Nope, I never got that." "Oh." "Okay, well, check." "Maybe it fell into the back of your locker or something." "Yeah, I'll... okay." "Lance." "Wait." "There's something else that I wanted to give you." "This." "(Pop music plays)" "(Music fades)" "Well, isn't that sweet?" "Trotter..." "We'll settle this on the field." "Woo!" "Michelle!" "Got your letter, baby." "You and me after the game, mama." "(Grunting rhythmically)" "Woo!" "Yeah." "(Groans)" "John, the excitement is so thick" "In this stadium, you could cut it with a knife." "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "A-A-And there's two things" "That I love to cut with a knife." "One of'em is turkey, and the other one is excitement." "And if you're a Comebacks fan," "You got to hope they're not the turkeys." "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "But you have to believe" "The Unbeatables will be the guys with the knives." "Take a look down there- It's unbelievable what's going on.!" "(Air horns blowing)" "Believers coming through!" " That's right!" "Get up!" " Get up!" " That's right." "What's up?" " Come on." "What's up!" "What's up, eighth row?" "Uh-Uh!" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "And the team captains" "Take the field, ready for the ceremonial coin toss." "Call it in the air." "And when I say "it," I do mean the coin." "(Exhales sharply) Where is it?" "(Exhales sharply) Now where is it?" "It's right here in your ear." "(Kiss)" "Call it in the air." "We'll receive." "(Crowd cheering)" "(Loud rock music plays)" "(Crowd roars)" "(Loud grunt)" "Yeah, baby!" "Yeah!" "Okay, ready... hut!" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "Unbeatables back to pass." "He's wide open.!" "The bomb.!" "He could go" "All the way..." "To Mexico.!" "(Reggae music plays)" "(Players clap, shout)" "Green-20!" "Green-20!" "Hut!" "(Grunting)" "Nah, you take that!" "You take that!" "(Grunting)" "Ooh!" "Like you took my girl!" "Personal foul." "Cock blocking." "Look, it's nothing personal, Trotter." "I'm in love with her, man." "Man, only thing you love is taking my girl from me." "JORGE:" "Man, would you guys shut up?" "This game's bigger than the two of you." "Football taught me how to cope..." "With anger, with life." "This team's all I got." "Without it, I have nothing." "Back on the skreets." "Dude," "Your parents just bought you a house." "A condo." "A junior one-Bedroom." "Where am I supposed to park my Prius, dawg?" "All right, all right." "Pro-Right-94, on one." "On one." "Ready?" "Break!" "Hut!" "How about a flag, ref?" "My guy's getting mugged out there." "(Whimpering):" "Don't take my Gold Card, man." "Come on." "That's ridiculous." "How much is he paying you?" "A 1,000 dollars a call." "Twice the going rate." "(Exhales sharply) Where is it now?" "Hut!" "(Grunting)" "(Gunshot)" "(Grunts)" "Come on, ref!" "That's attempted homicide!" "You gotta call that!" "(Groans)" "What are you guys, blind?" "(Dog barks, whines)" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "Unbeatables up the middle" "For an easy touchdown.!" "They're running all over the Comebacks," "Who are more than overmatched." "JIM ROME'S VOICE:" "Jim Rome here, and this is a ridiculous" "Half-Time score:35 to nothing.!" "BOTH (chanting weakly):" "We believe." "We believe." "(Long sigh)" "We believe." "So, you ready to give up?" "Almost." "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "Hey, hey, my favorite part of the game" "The half-Time show.!" "Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake couldn't make it," "So instead, we present you with this wholesome salute" "To American values." "(Piano plays brief intro)" "#The weekend's here #" "# The weather's nice, two football teams are playin' #" "# I put your favorite beer on ice #" "#But the couch is where you're staying #" "# The game is on the plasma screen #" "#Got deep-Fried snacks for munching' #" "# Rootin' for the home team #" "#Oops, wardrobe malfunction #" "(Rock music playing)" "(Music ends)" "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "I mean, I mean," "It started out where she was wearing" "A lot of clothes, then she wasn't wearing" "A lot of clothes, and then boom, I got a chubby." "Take a knee." "Listen up." "I've been a loser all my life." "I came into this world ass-First." "I was raised as a girl till my walnuts dropped at age 13." "I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22." "That was by accident." "I didn't know" "I was gonna have to pay for it- I thought it was a date." "I've destroyed everything I've ever touched," "Chased away everyone who's ever loved me." "I am a failure as a husband" "And a father and a coach." "And a human being." "(Fields sobbing)" "(Quiet sobs)" "Um..." "Coach?" "Isn't this the part" "Where you turn your personal tragedies" "And shortcomings" "Into a rousing, inspirational rally cry?" "Huh?" "Oh." "That's a great idea." "You're a real asset to the team!" "Well, thanks, Coach." "Does that mean I can play in the second half?" "No, absolutely not." "All right." "All right." "I don't think I have to tell you all," "The scope of the second half is to..." "Aim high." "And I..." "Pledge... to all of you." "That you will be" "Showered..." "By the cheers" "And shouts of joy..." "From your fans." "It depends on you now." "Remember..." "Your preparation" "H..." "And you can all be..." "Champs!" "(Shouting)" "Yeah, champs!" "All right, let's close our eyes and bow our heads." "(Closes zipper)" "Okay, you can open your eyes again." "All right, let's go get 'em!" "(Shouting)" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "Second half just under way," "And despite the score, it seems the Comebacks" "Are even more fired up.!" "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "And nobody wants this" "More than Coach Fields." "That's the way!" "That's the way!" "Hope you had a good rest, Oprah." "Actually, Coach gave a very inspirational spee..." "Wait a minute, what'd you say?" "Oprah." "I'm saying you're as fat as Oprah, you fat ass!" "(Seething):" "Are you saying Oprah's fat?" "Oprah's an incisive and charitable lady," "You miserable piece of shit!" "(Vicious growling)" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "The toss to Trotter... (Loud grunt)" "Ooh.!" "And Truman lays a huge block.!" "Go, go!" "(Whistle blows) Yeah!" "That's the way!" "(Groans)" "Truman scrambling." "Nowhere to go.!" "Oh, look at that, Trotter takes out two Unbeatables.!" "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "I mean, I mean," "Looks like he's gonna score, Al.!" "The Comebacks are finally starting to play like a team.!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes." "(Grunts):" "Oh!" "(Grunting)" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Nice block." "Thanks." "Nice run." "Thanks." "(Quiet music playing)" "Hey, Lance." "Be good to her, man." "Be good to her, too." "(Sighs)" "Not all about winning, is it?" "Hey, cameraman!" "I hope you're watching, Barb." "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "John, it looks like Coach Fields" "Is holding up the sign, "I heart you. "" "Oh, he loves me." "Like chili fries and the smell of his own burps." "BOTH (chanting):" "He loves you, Barb." "He loves you, Barb." "He loves you, Barb." "He loves you, Barb." "He loves you, Barb." "He loves you, Barb." "He loves you, Barb." "He loves you, Barb." "(Crying) Why can't I have that?" "It's so beautiful." "Aww." "Hey, Coach!" "Suppose I can get in the game?" "Hey, guys, look who's back." " I'm a quick healer." " Hey, gang." "The cavalry's arrived." "And he goes by the name of" "ALL:" "Aseel Tare." "Okay, I got it." "ACL Tear, get out there." "Let's go." "Not you Randy." "Not you." "Set!" "Brown-88!" "Hike!" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "Aseel Tare with the carry." "Look at that.!" "He's got the entire defense on his back." "The pile is clearing, John." "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "Yeah, yeah, it is." "And take a look at that." "(Chuckling) He got ripped into pieces." "Oh!" "(Aseel groaning)" "No worries!" "I'm a quick healer." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "John, what we're seeing here" "Is a definite shift in momentum." "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "I mean, we-we really are, Al." "I mean, y-You take a look at what's happening" "And they were down by a lot" "And now they're not down by as much" "And-And pretty soon they could erase this deficit." "(Chanting alone):" "Randy." "Randy." "(Others join in):" "Randy." "Randy!" "Randy!" "(Crowd joining in):" "Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "(Chanting continues)" "They're calling your name, son." "Get out there!" "Randy!" "Randy!" "(Chanting continues)" "Go!" "Go, Randy!" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "Would you look at this.!" "Randy Randinger is making" "His first appearance ever for the Comebacks.!" "Randinger's wide open.!" "(Grunting)" "(Yells)" "(Yells)" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "He scores!" "Unbelievable!" "(Excited shouting, whooping)" "(Music grinds to a stop) (Glass shatters)" "Blue-Ten!" "Hut!" "(Yells) Ooh!" "(Groaning in pain)" "Randinger with a block out of nowhere.!" "You are not gonna believe this.!" "The Comebacks score.!" "(Cheering)" "(Panting, whimpering)" "How was it, son, everything you'd hoped it would be?" "Hey, thought you might want this..." "Get away!" "Get away!" "Get away!" "Aah!" "Blue-22!" "Blue-22!" "Hut!" "(Loud grunt)" "Yes!" "He knows our playbook." "What?" "How is that possible?" "Freddie knows all my secrets," "Where I get all my plays." "What are we gonna do?" "Someone else has to call the play," "Someone Freddie wouldn't expect," "Someone who thinks outside the Xbox." "I Pod!" "I Pod." "Hey, there, little buddy." "How would you like to call a play, huh," "Help us win a championship?" "What do you say?" "What do I say?" "Man, I been waiting all season for you to ask." "Dude, I have been humping legs," "Carrying this..." "Stupid cord all over the damn place," "And now, fourth quarter of the last game," "You come and ask me for..." "All right, all right!" "Just call the play, will ya?" "Get out of my..." "Watch yourself, watch yourself." "All right, everybody, come on." "974-Wing bandit." " Let's go get 'em!" " Let's go get 'em!" "Let's go!" "(Electronic rock music plays)" "I POD:" "Audible!" "Let's switch it up!" "LANCE:" "Shift!" "LANCE:" "Shift!" "KICKER:" "What the heck is that?" "That... is the I Pod Shuffle." "(Crowd cheering)" "Hut!" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "Trotter... back to Truman back to Trotter... (Cheering) Who scores!" "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "I mean, that was incredible!" "ROME'S VOICE:" "Phenomenal!" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "Coach Wiseman has got to be feeling the heat" "As the Comebacks only trail" "By one touchdown." "It's fourth and goal." "With just seconds remaining, the fate of the Comebacks" "Lies in the hands of quarterback Lance Truman." "Ref!" "Time out!" "(Whistle blows)" "I can't do it, Coach." "What's the problem?" "What if I drop the ball?" "And what if you don't?" "Damn!" "(Fans cheering)" "Give me your hands." "Aw, geez!" "Lance." "Yeah?" "Do it for me." "Okay." "Okay." "We can do this, guys." "Yeah!" "(Loud cheering, whooping)" "Let's do this!" "Oh!" " Yeah, Lance!" " Come on!" "Set!" "Hut!" "(Loud grunting)" "Hold on to it, Lance." "(Quiet burbling)" "(Grunts)" "(Grunting)" "(Whistle blows) Yeah!" "(Cheering, whooping)" "(Moaning, panting)" "Get out there, Jiz!" "Wait." "We're not playing for the tie." "I say we go for the win!" "(Shouts, cheers)" "Get out there!" "They're going for two?" "Don't worry." "I got one more page in my playbook." "Set!" "MICHAELS' VOICE:" "Looks like the Unbeatables coach," "Freddie Wiseman, has entered the game at middle linebacker.!" "Time out, Comebacks." "John, something weird seems to be going on down on the field." "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "Yeah, it looks like Lambeau Fields" "(Laughs):" "Was suiting up." "I think he's gonna go" "For the two-Point conversion himself." "BARB:" "Coach!" "Coach!" "It's me, honey!" "I'm here!" "(Whooping loudly)" "(Dramatic, exciting music playing)" "FIELDS:" "I'd give anything for one last shot." "FREDDIE:" "Because that's what you do, Coach, you lose!" "MICHELLE:" "I want what you and Mom have." "FIELDS:" "Herpes." "LANCE:" "Set!" "Green-20!" "Green-20!" "Hike!" "(Freddie roaring fiercely)" "(Grunting)" "(Whistle blows)" "(Cheering) Yeah!" "MADDEN'S VOICE:" "The Comebacks did it!" "Coach Fields has finally done it.!" "The Comebacks win!" "MICHAELS:" "Do you believe in miracles?" "MARVALBERT:" "Yes!" "MADDEN:" "How long have you been waiting to say that?" "ROME'S VOICE:" "The Comebacks have won.!" "They beat the Unbeatables.!" "Phenomenal.!" "(Cheering)" "(Whooping)" "BOTH:" "We did it!" "We did it!" "(Cheering, shouting)" "My shit goin' to Disney World, baby." "Yeah!" " Dude, guess what!" " What?" "My parents just said we could use the beach house" "In the Hamptons for the week to celebrate!" " No way!" "Oh, my God!" " Yeah!" "And I get a real tattoo!" "(Cheering continues)" "I love you, Dad." "(Choked up):" "My boy!" "Dad!" "Coach!" "Coach!" "(Squealing)" "(Barb screams)" "(Grunting)" "I'm okay." "(Gasps)" "Barbara!" "Coa... (Loud thump) Oh!" "Barbara!" "(Grunting):" "Oh, God!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Barb!" "(Disgusted groan)" "(Yells)" "Barb!" "(Fierce grunt)" "Get out of my way!" "Coach!" "Coach!" "Oh!" "I'm so sorry." "I love you so much." "I love you, too." "I'm a winner, Barb." "(Laughs)" "I'm hanging up my whistle for good." "I'm never gonna let sports come" "Before you and the kids ever again." "(Swooning sigh)" "MAN:" "Uh, Coach Fields?" "Coach Fields, excuse me?" "Name's Gabe Low." "I'm looking for a new head basketball coach" "At Sequel University," "And I think you're just the man." "(Chuckles):" "Well, mister," "I sure don't know anything about basketball... (Swooning sigh) ...but I'll take it!" "Coach Fields!" "Coach, how does it feel" "To finally win a championship game?" "Um... to be honest, it really hasn't hit me yet." "(Laughing)" "(Groans):" "I thought it would feel better than this." "(Groans loudly)" "(Drum riff plays)" "(Rock music plays)" "(Woman screams)" "(Angry grunts)" "(Grunts)" "You guys are ripping me apart!" "(Music continues)" "(Blowing whistle)" "Let's do it!" "(Whooping)" "I think we're gonna need a bigger truck." "(Blabbering)" "All right, huddle up!" "ALL:" "Break!" "FIELDS:" "Lend an ear, take a knee." "(Loud slap)" "FIELDS:" "Clock's running down." "The game is on the line." "No time outs left." "Not gonna go for the tie." "(Shouts gibberish)" "This time I'm gonna win!" "See an open door!" "Gonna walk right in!" "(Music continues)" "Nobody shed a tear for old Freddie." "At least, not after he..." ""Borrowed" $200,000 from the school's Booster club," "Moved his athletic ass on down to Mexico" "And entered into a consensual polygamous relationship" "(Chuckles):" "With two fine-looking young ladies." "Adios, y'all." "(Laughing)" "(Taser strikes, clicks) Aw, Scruffy!" "I think we nailed it!" "(Rock music playing)" "(Music fades)" "Thank you!" "Good night!"