"Now, when you sweep, the ice melts, the stone goes further." "Curling is more exciting that you thought, huh?" "Sadly, that is actually more exciting than I thought." "When you said exercise, I thought you meant something like jogging." "Jogging?" "Why not just take a sledge hammer to your knees?" "Could I?" "It would be more fun than curling." "Well, well, well." "A Muslim curling?" "What is it with you people and throwing rocks?" "Fred has a team called the..." ""Fred-Cats"." "Fancy themselves pretty good." "Pretty good?" "We won the Mercy Bonspiel six years running." "What's the Mercy Bonspiel?" "Sudden death elimination, my friendly." "Four teams begin, only one emerges." "You only have to win two games?" "But two games in a row." "Gruelling." "Anyway, what do you care?" "Huh huh." "Curling is to Muslim, it's like freedom and pork." "You think Muslims can't curl?" "We can curl." " You care to back that up?" " You say where and when!" "Right here." "Next month." "That was very specific." "There's an opening in the Bonspiel." "If you walk the walk, like you talk the talk," " we'll see you here." " Fine." "We'll be there." "You better get ready." "'Cause we're going to bring it." "Think you're going to assemble a team?" "No idea." "Season 2 Episode 12 Jihad on Ice" " Was there a sale?" " I'm sure." "Somewhere." "OK." "What do you think of the shoulder pads?" "Too Jackie Collins?" "Jacky who?" "I do not know this man." "Does Yasir get upset when you spend his money like this?" "His money?" "No." "I have my own money." " There is an Islamic tradition." " Oh great." "Another Islamic tradition." "That a husband must pay for his wife's material needs." "Oh." "Great." "Another Islamic tradition." "Of course." "Not every Muslim follows this rule." "No, no, no, no." "You're on to something here." "It's time for us to become better Muslims." "While we are on this subject, we have many Islamic traditions." "Ah, ya, ya, ya, ya." "You know." "I've been a convert all these years." "Why come Yasir never told me this?" "Who's to say." "Let me ask you something." "Have you ever thought about getting more exercise?" "You don't have a lot of experience talking to women, do you?" "No." "I don't mean you look fat." "Did I say that you said I look fat?" "No." "You don't." " OK." "Glad we clear that up." " Baber, what about you?" "You like sports?" "Well, I was something of a cricket player in my day." "Dullest game in the world." " How about curling?" " OK, second dullest." "Curling." "Is that with the sweaters, and the brooms," " and the..." " Fat guys, yeah." "I'm putting together a little team." "Shake things up at this year's Bonspiel." " Why?" " Fun." "Exercise?" "Integrate with the community?" "Fred Tupper made fun of me, and said Muslims can't curl." " I'm in." " Great." "There must be a book of this curling." "I shall memorize it word for word." "Er, no." "I just thought we'd get together and play." "Ugh." "What's the fun in that?" "Uh, uh!" "How about you?" " Oh, No." "I..." " Great." " We'll see you at the rink." " No." "I don't think..." " Wear something warm." " I'm not sure I want to play, because..." "It's just not that fun a sport." "Theme song from "Rocky"." "Yes!" "So that's why now you have to pay for all my clothes." "Don't you already have one just like that?" "Well, you have two of lots of things." "You have two of those." "Those are book ends." " Yasir, I'm glad you're here." " Look, I'm not paying for your clothes too." "OK." "Huh huh." "Actually I was hoping you'll join my curling team." "Does Islam say I have to?" "Islam has very little say on curling." "Good." "Then no." " I also got some shoes." " But you already have shoes just like that." "These are newer." "Sarah, you must know how to curl." "Oh, I get it." "Just because I'm white, I must know how to curl." "Like all white people curl?" "Do you know how to curl?" " Well, yes." " Great." "Oh." "I'm going to need more money for curling outfit." "Alright." "I... came to your little practise." "Let's get this over with." "Can you please be serious?" "If we get this wrong, it would be humiliating." "If we get this right, it would be humiliating." "OK." "The object of the game," " is to take this rock..." " Yeah." "Throw rock into circle." " I know." " No." "No, no, no." "Whoa." "Yeah." "Have you played this game before?" "Never." "I was one mean marble champ though." "Fatima, did you tell Sarah I have to buy all her clothes?" "You do." "It's Islamic." "Exactly. she wouldn't know about it if you haven't told her," "You have something against spending money on your wife?" "I mind wasting it." "She buys clothes she already owns." "She doesn't realize, the blazer she bought today, she owns one just like it." "So does Jacky Collins." " Jackie Collins?" " Some man." "So you mean to say, if you went through Sarah's closet," " You would find two of everything?" " It's like Noah's Ark in there." "Yes, Pearl's Secondhand shop?" "I understand that you buy gently used clothing?" "Well, that was fun." "See you at the Bonspiel." "Whoa, whoa!" "That was just our first practise." "We've got a long way to go." "Honey." "One practise is fun." "Two is curling." "Mum." "Are you kidding?" "Baber needs to improve his sweeping." "Amaar needs to lean into his throw, and you, lack the basic understanding of the premise of the game." "She was like this with the marbles." "Brother Amaar, I think I've found irregularity with the hog line." "You weren't kidding about memorizing that manual." "OK." "Can we focus?" "Let's talk about our next practise." "We can get some ice time tomorrow at 6 am." "Did I tell you I came up with a name for the team?" "The "Ice Slammers"." "Did you get it?" "Oh." "I-sla-mers." "Get it." "It's hilarious." "No." "It's offensive." "No, no, no, no, no." "It's hilarious, yeah." "Two bucks." "$1.75... $3.50..." "Total comes to $117.58." "Done." "How do you like my new sweater?" "It costs $100." "Hm." "Here is $117... and 58 cents." "Thank you." "Islam says jump." "I say how high?" "Is Eve Fairlie wearing my sweater?" "I don't know." "Who cares." "Mom, you go to the other end." "Baber, Amaar, you sweep." "Yes, boss." "You sweep like a woman." "That is a sexist thing to say." "Ah ha." "You're admitting you're a woman." "How old are you?" "Whoa!" "Off!" "Off!" "Right." "Off!" "Sweep like a man!" "You want to see some sweeping?" "Here we go!" "Whoa!" "What part of "Whoa!" "Off!" "Off!" "Right Off!" "Whoa!" do you not understand?" "All of it?" "The girl's a good player." "Too bad she's wasted in a team full of crack pots." "Man." "My neck does not feel good." "Here." "I know the trick." "No, no, no, no." "Maybe a chiropractor..." " Hang on..." " Ugh!" " Feel better?" " Oh." "I can't feel my legs." " Now I can feel them." " Huh huh." "Ouch." "They hurt." "Oh..." "So, listen uh, nice uh, nice job out there today." "Well, yeah well." "I'm also good at marbles." "Yeah." "That's not going to enough in order to beat my team at the finals." "If you even make it to the final." "You have yet to win your first game." "That's what I want to talk to you about." "Uh, do you want to ride in the ambulance with your friend?" "No, no." "I'm good." "See, I was thinking, that uh..." "You sold Sarah's clothes?" " Why would you do that?" " It's uh, Teaching her a lesson." "How can you teach her a lesson when she doesn't know you are doing it?" "She'll pick it up subconsciously?" "Look." "Every penny I make goes right back to her." "I'm not even taking a commission." "I'm doing this for free." "Sarah loves to shop." "This allows me to let her do what she loves to do." "Plus, I get to trick her, which I really enjoy." "It's recycling." "Look, how long are you going to stare at me like that for?" "I like to see you sweat." "And then, Fred actually asked me to join his team." "Really?" "Why would he do that?" "Uh, I suppose because I'm good at curling?" "I basically won the game out there for you guys today." "I've been meaning to talk to you about that." "You're a little hard on your team mates." "You know, the throat clearing, sarcasm, hitting me on the back of the knees," " with the broom handle..." " But you were in the way." "Look." "You said you wanted to beat Fred Tupper." "and now I'm the only one who's taking the game seriously." "It's curling." "Why would anyone take it seriously?" "You have to be competitive." " I'm competitive." " I'm twice as competitive as you are." "As my father used to say," "There's winning at score board, and there's winning at the game of life." "I'm guessing your father doesn't have a very big trophy case." "OK." "Given the choice, between winning and being miserable, and losing it and having fun," "I rather lose and have fun." "Uh." "Well, it looks like you're in for a world of fun then, because I'm joining Fred's team." " What?" " Is that my mum's summer clothes?" "Alright, lets move out there ladies, huh?" "And Rayyan." "Joe, last time you looked like you had arthritis." " I do have arthritis." " Oh." "Cortisone shots." " Come see me after practise." " What is this, a walk-in clinic, huh?" "Should I be handing out lollipops?" " I like the yellow lollipop." " Really?" "Who likes the yellow ones?" "Alright." "Here is how it's going to go down." " And Mac, I want you to throw first." " Can I make a suggestion?" "I think a better strategy would be if Joe..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, sweetheart..." "This isn't Muslim land, alright?" "I'm calling the shot." "I was just giving a second opinion." "If I get chicken pox, I'll call you for second opinion." "Now..." "Why would you need a second opinion if we got the chicken pox?" " Yeah, really." "You can't miss them." " Tck.." "Knuckle heads, zip it." "Now then." "The approach is the most important part of the game..." "I feel like somebody punched me in the stomach." "Did you have the shrimp?" "I can't believe Rayyan is doing this." "I mean, now we're going to have to play in the finals without her." "We're going to have to play against her, without her." "It's the marble thing all over again." "One day I bought her a bag of marbles, the next day she had another kid's marbles, and then another day, she had another kid's marbles," " and pretty soon..." " She had all the marbles." "Thanks for spoiling my story." "Seriously, did you have the shrimp?" "Because I'm thinking of ordering it." "Alright ladies, try to follow along." "Why do you have to be so condescending?" "I was talking to the ladies?" "Alright." "That's it." "You know..." "There's no easy way to say this, but... we were talking earlier." "We want Rayyan to take over the team." "What?" "I say, it was pretty easy to say." "Well, I'm not playing under Rayyan." "Well, that bring us to the second part." "We want you off the team." "You can't have the Fred-Cats without Fred." "Well, we changed the name." "Dairy Farmers, they know their curling." "There's the expression." ""Like a dairy farmer on a curling rink"." "Let's curl." "Hurry!" "Hurry!" "Curl." "Off!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, she's good alright." "Of course, she's a danger to herself and everyone around her." "Remember what happened back in '82?" "Falkland's war?" "Catholic curling league?" "Nun got her habit wrapped in a broom?" "Pretty ugly." "That's not a nice thing to say about a nun." "I meant the accident." "Right here, you've got the same situation." "With who?" "Her!" "Henry and her head scarf down there." "She is a nun?" "Ugh." "I am surrounded by idiots." "Darling, you don't have to shop in here." "It's used." "I hear they got great stuff." "It will save you money." "Oh." "Money is no object." "Let's go somewhere else." "Wait a minute." "This blouse." "I love it." "Will you buy it for me?" "Nice choice." "It's got your name all over it." "Thanks." "Good." "It's literally got her name on it." " I'll cut the tag out." " Thank you." "So you won the game, but they banned you from the tournament?" "For wearing the hijab." "That is ridiculous." "What reason could there possibly be?" "Nun." "It's something about a nun." "Fred Tupper!" "I hate that man." "He's banned from the restaurant." " Good!" " For one day!" " Well..." " This town is not that big." "We can't let Fred win." "Not like this." "Well, you guys aren't going to win." "Not without some kind of ringer." "Then I guess we need to get ourselves a ringer." "Hi." "I'm three-time world curling champ, Glenn Howard (From Ontario)." "Nah." "Let's get somebody we know." "I swore I'd never be in the Bonspiel." "Nobody wants to be in the Bonspiel." "It's something that happens to you." "You don't understand." "It was ten years ago." "I was the skip of the big Bonspiel." "I had quite a throw." "Real wind up." "Little did I know some poor kid was passing right behind me." "Never saw it coming." "Went down like a bag of hammers." "Poor little guy." "Couldn't have been more than... thirty one, thirty two." "Weirdness aside, would you do it for Rayyan?" "Fred got her kicked out, because of wearing a hijab." "Fred kicked her off your team?" "Well, Fred kind of got her kicked off his own team." "Rayyan was on Fred's team?" "Well, Fred was not on it anymore." " He got kicked out because..." " OK, OK, OK." "Short version is fine." "I'm in." "Ah." "I knew you would come crawling back to me." "You came to us!" "Yeah." "But I wasn't crawling." " It's been a long road to the finals." " Yeah." "We won the first game, and now we're here." "And we didn't come here to lose." "By the way, Duncan's joining the team." "What are the odds that we'd get this far, huh?" "Fifty-fifty." "We are not the Ice-Slammers for nothing." "We're going to win this for Rayyan." "The one who left us twisting in the wind." " Hooray!" " Ice-Slammers!" "May the best man win." "Well, how about a friendly little wager?" "We win, the Ice-Slammers hang up their brooms forever." "Gee, no more curling." "What if we win?" "Huh." "I'll buy you a unicorn." "That way, you can get round fairy gumdrop land more easily." "How about you just don't say anything bad about Muslim on the radio?" "That axe my whole show." "For a week, then." "Deal!" "Off!" "Off!" "In there." "Yes!" "Who's your daddy!" "The shock can win the game." "We'll show Fred Muslims can curl." "But I'm an Anglican." "Let me have my moment." "Hey, Magee." "Listen uh, however things turn out, nice to have you back on the ice." "Oh thank you, Fred." "Oh well, by the way, remember ten years ago when you knock over that kid?" "He's right over there." "No!" " Timmy." " I guess his name's Dan?" "Can you take your shot please?" "We've got the peewee league coming in." "Hard!" "Hard!" "Hard!" "Hard!" "Sweep, sweep, sweep, sweep." " Hard!" "Hard!" "Hard!" "Hard!" " Yeah!" "This shot doesn't count." "He let it go past the hog line." "Fred-Cats win." "Why wouldn't they go with me?" " We won." "Muslims can't curl." " It's not our fault." "He's Anglican." "Just a minute." "The hog line is two inches too close to the back board." "According to page 178 of the Curling Manual," "It should be exactly 37 feet." "No more, no less." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Are you telling me... that these lines had been painted wrong all these years?" "You care to check yourself?" "Nah." "No." "I trust you." "Hey the throw is good." "Ice-Slammers win." " Yeah." " Why?" "Memorization is the key to wining." "Um hmm." "What the heck is a Fred Cat anyway?" "I've always loved you in that sweater." "No, no." "This is a new sweater." "You must love me in something else." "No, no." "I would remember." "I'm not crazy about most of your wardrobe." "Doh." "This is a new one." "The old one had a hole right under the right arm." "Just like that one." " Darling," " Uh huh." "have you seen my everything?" "Gee honey, I haven't the foggiest." "Have you tried Pearl's Secondhand?" "They've got some great bargains." "You sold my entire wardrobe?" "No, not everything." "There's still some stuff in the basement." "Folks, I made a promise the other day," "I promised not to say anything nasty about your Muslims on the show." "Now I'm a man of my word." "So uh, today stay tune for a repeat program "This is the best of Fred Tupper"." "That's a show from last week, topic:" ""Things I don't like about Muslims"." "Well, it's worth a shot." "You know, it's a good thing we didn't know each other when we were kids." "Because I could play marbles with the best of them." "Is that right?" "Well you know I do still have my collections." " Hmm." " I could break it out, we could sh..." "Don't ask." "Could I have a coffee, please?" "Subtitle by:" "Kiasu"