"Assistant Professor Thurber," "First, on behalf of the tenure committee" "And Grey College," "I would like to thank you" "For your services these past three years." "Thank you, Dean Leakey." "12 years teaching college." "Up for tenure again..." "A job for life." "Before this, there was Bowdoin and Union." "This may be my last chance." "Friggin' Grey College." "Motherfuckin' Grey College." "Hi." "Hi." "Dude!" "Where you been?" "Sorry." "I'm almost up." "I know." "What do you think?" "Maybe..." "lose the shades?" "My Oakleys?" "No way, man." "Okay." "Nervous?" "What do I have to be nervous about?" "It's only my entire academic career on the line." "Of course I'm nervous, jack-off." "Steve Kim's been in there two hours." "Really?" "Okay, just remember what I told you, all right?" "Not the end of the world" "If you don't get this." "Yeah, well, if you don't get tenure" "At Grey College..." "All right, good-bye." "Steve." "Steve." "Shake it off, okay?" "Whew." "I got a good feeling about this." "You're a great teacher." "Professor Hadley?" "The tenure committee is waiting." "Great teacher." "Hi, everyone." "Oh, hey, guys." "Where's Dr. Hadley?" "You just missed him." "We made cookies and everything." "Oh, that's nice." "May I?" "Oh, yeah." "So, that's Bigfoot?" "How can I just get one vote?" "One vote out of 12." "That's a joke." "I wonder who voted for you." "I mean, I really thought I had a chance." "Didn't you?" "I thought you were a lock." "What has Steve Kim ever done" "For the anthropological community?" "Steve Kim... come on." "I mean, I produced evidence" "Of a genuine Sasquatch." "There!" "Look." "Right there." "Yeah." "You come over here and tell me" "That that is not the hind leg" "Of an Appalachian Sasquatch." "Seriously." "I just don't see anything, Jay." "I'm sorry." "What?" "!" "It's right here, man!" "That looks like a tree." "It's not a fuckin' tree, Charlie!" "Come on!" "It's Bigfoot!" "I saw him." "I was there." "I'm the guy runnin' the camera." "It's right here." "Sasquatch weather, man." "Look for tracks." "Where are we going?" "Relax, man." "It's my party, remember?" "I just thought it was gonna more of an indoor thing." "Dude." "Roll with it, okay?" "Sorry." "I just got dealt a hammer blow to the nuts." "I know, I know." "Besides, it's not like you got anybody" "Waiting up for you." "Why did you have to say that?" "Just tell me where we're going, Jay." "Dean Leakey's." "Why?" "Come on!" "It is with great pride" "That I look back on the last three years at Grey College." "I strongly believe that I deserve tenure," "And through this personal statement," "I hope the committee will get to know me" "A little better..." "My accomplishments," "My dreams, and my myriad contributions" "To the academic community at Grey College." "Huh?" ""Myriad contributions"?" "Okay, we're gonna start a new novel this week." "It's called The Magus," "By an English writer named John Fowles." "Anybody heard of The Magus?" "No?" "Well, some people..." "Smart people..." "Think it's one of the best novels ever written." "Then how come we've never heard of it?" "I..." "I don't know, Robin," "But if you all would like to read the same books" "That every other college kid in America is reading," "We can do that." "Let's see, uh..." "Catcher in the Rye." "Yeah, let's examine why "Fuck you" is written" "Is written on the bathroom wall... again." "No, look, I pick the books I read" "Back when I was like you..." "Misguided, morose..." "You're still morose." "Anyhow, The Magus." "You all might not have heard of it," "But it changed my life." "It has a little bit of everything." "It has love," "And exotic locales." "It even has a little bit of sex." "Ooh, Stan's gonna like it." "Shut up, Ben." "Yeah, Ben, take it easy, okay?" "Excuse me." "That's Professor Hadley." "Dude, we hit the wrong pad." "Excuse me." "I'm in the middle of a class here, dude." "What do you mean, we hit the wrong pad?" "I guess our recon was off." "Our recon?" "All right, mine." "I just feel bad." "Dean Leakey's next-door neighbor" "Never did anything to us." "Dean Leakey's next-door neighbor?" "Yeah, man." "He's in a wheelchair." "Jesus, Jay!" "Yeah." "Veteran." "Hero." "Purple Heart." "I gotta talk to you later." "All right." "Professor Thurber?" "Hey, Stan." "What's up?" "We need a new faculty adviser" "For the poetry club." "I'm president." "Wow." "Well, what happened to the old adviser?" "He died." "Oh, yeah..." "Dr. Churchill." "Sorry, I..." "Wasn't that last year, though?" "We never got a new one." "Well, Stan..." "Look, I gotta be honest with you." "I've never been a huge poetry guy." "So, I think the best thing to do" "Would be for me to take a pass on it," "Just in fairness to you and to the club." "Okay?" "Thank you." "Thanks, man." "Okay." "Son of a bitch." "Fuckin' kids." "Charlie, it's Margaret." "Remember me... your sister?" "Dad told me that he hasn't seen you" "In almost two weeks." "The reason we put him in that facility" "Was because it was close to you." "I'm not gonna bring up the whole money thing, Charlie," "But you said this was the only way that you could contribute." "You promised you'd visit him at least once a week." "So do it, Charlie!" "Oh, and I almost forgot the best part." "I got a call from a lady over there" "Who claims that Dad's been making prank phone calls" "To PBS telethons or something." "She said he's lonely and he just wants to talk," "So..." "I don't know." "It's nothing weird." "I mean, yes, it is." "It is fucking weird." "But it's not perverted, thank God." "So you need to talk to him about that." "God, do you have a cell phone yet?" "Hey, Dad?" "Dad, you in there?" "Dad?" "Dad?" "Dad!" "Huh?" "Huh?" "This place is chock full of widows." "Like Sue in there." "She's Canadian." "Did you ever make love to a native French speaker?" "Dad, can we please talk about something else?" "Sure we can." "Sure we can..." "Whatever you want." "I so treasure these monthly visits, Charlie." "Well, Margaret called, and..." "She said you didn't sound so good." "Well, how do you feel?" "I feel fine." "Okay." "Fine as I can feel in this goddamn place." "It's not so bad." "Oh, what the hell do you know about anything?" "When I was your age," "I was a tenured professor of English" "At Princeton University." "Really?" "I didn't know that." "Don't get smart with me." "You should be further along." "So... what about tenure?" "Come on, Dad." "We've been through this." "I'm on the fast track at Grey," "And I find out in May, so..." "Well, you were on the fast track at Bowdoin, too." "It's gonna happen." "Christ, I'd hate to see the slow track." "It's gonna happen." "Let's take some ecstasy." "What?" "Let's take some ecstasy." "I bought it off this kid in my Anthro 101." "Jay, that is idiotic." "You could get fired for that." "That's just rude, man." "You know what I meant." "Come on." "I heard about this cool student party" "Way off campus." "You're still a member of the faculty." "And so am I." "Dude, just drop me off, then." "I don't have a car." "I'm sorry, man." "I've got to work on my article" "And my personal statement." "That's cool." "I'll just hang here." "With you." "No, don't." "I mean it." "I don't think you should..." "Mmm." "Jesus." "You sure this is it?" "Yeah, they said it was in the backyard," "In the woods and shit." "Outside?" "I don't even have my jacket." "I'm not cold at all." "Fuck, I think it's starting to work." "Touch my face." "No." "It's unbelievable." "Touch my face." "Come on." "Whew!" "Take it easy." "Come on, touch it." "Professor Thurber?" "Hey, Robin, how you doing?" "Good." "Oh, my God." "What are you doing here?" "Nothin'." "Just kind of checking in." "I'm gonna head to the woods." "Shouldn't you be at home, doing your reading?" "It's Friday." "Right, sorry." "Excuse me." "Besides, I already finished The Magus." "Wow, that was quick." "So, what'd you think?" "Uh... it had a lot of sex in it." "Really?" "Did you..." "You thought that?" "I mean, it's not all sex." "I think that there are, you know," "Larger themes at work." "I really like your class." "Thank you, Robin." "It's, like, the best class I have at Grey." "It's a great group of kids." "Except Ben." "Do you think I'm fat?" "Of course not." "Why..." "Why would you say that?" "This guy..." "This asshole..." "Look, Robin..." "Heh." "You're a very..." "Attractive girl." "All right?" "So don't let anybody tell you otherwise." "Okay?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Um, no." "Not right now." "Don't you get lonely?" "I..." "Yeah, sure I do." "I mean, just like everybody..." "So do I. Yeah." "Well..." "I should go find Professor Hadley." "But it was great talking to you." "And, uh, I'll see you Monday." "Hi, Stan." "How you doing?" "Can you drive me home?" "Nope, gotta go." "Jay!" "Jay!" "Come on, man!" "Up here, man." "Jay?" "Up here, man!" "Come on up, man." "It's unreal." "I've spent days up in trees..." "Waiting for Bigfoot." "That's great, Jay." "Should we head home now?" "What do you think?" "It's about the passion, you know?" "Yes." "Passion." "You think Steve Kim ever spent four days in a tree?" "Probably not, no." "And he got tenure." "Yeah, it's, uh..." "It's messed up." "Passion isn't enough anymore." "That's what's messed up." "It's not about the classroom." "It's not about the kids." "What do you think my chances are?" "For tenure?" "Yeah." "Dude, you're running unopposed." "I haven't published anything in over a year." "Can we focus on my shit-storm here?" "Yeah." "Sorry." "I'm 42 years old." "I'm sitting in a tree." "You seem so sober now." "What happened to "touch my face"?" "I'm pretty sure it was just dyed aspirin." "Placebo, man." "I'll tell you one thing..." "That shit-stack just flunked Anthro 101." "Guarantee it." "Mr. Thurber, may I have a word?" "Professor Slocumb, how are you?" "Myself and the rest of the female faculty" "Would very much appreciate it" "If you would please lift the toilet seat" "When you urinate in the faculty restroom." "What are you talking about?" "I always do." "So, are you telling me" "That the puddle of urine I just sat in" "Was not yours?" "Yeah." "I mean, no." "It, uh..." "It wasn't mine." "It wasn't my urine." "I watched you leave the bathroom." "I swear, I put the seat up." "Maybe..." "Maybe when I flushed it," "You know, maybe it sprayed up." "No, no." "It was urine." "And it looked to me like you aimed directly" "At the toilet seat..." "And just pissed..." "Willy-nilly..." "Without a care in the world." "I don't piss willy-nilly, all right?" "I'm fairly accurate," "And I always put the seat up." "Don't let it happen again, Thurber." "Hey." "I didn't do it." "Way to go, fire hose." "A pledge of $50 is all we're asking for." "Show us your support" "And call the number on your screen." "Thank you for contributing to public television." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Uh, hi." "Hi." "Are you interested in contributing" "To public television?" "Not really, no." "Well, sir, this is a pledge drive." "What are you wearing?" "I'm sorry, sir." "Please don't call again" "Unless you want to contribute to public television." "I'm sorry." "It's just, uh..." "My father, uh..." "He's been calling telethons" "And just talking to people," "Complete strangers." "And I, uh..." "Just wanted to see what that was like." "That's really weird." "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Beth." "Jesus." "Oh, Charlie." "Welcome." "Come in." "Oh, thank you." "Just, uh, put your coat in there." "Uh, what's Steve Kim doing here?" "He's Anthropology." "What's..." "Hi." " Hey, Charlie." "Oh, Charlie?" "If you have to use the bathroom tonight," "Would you please remember to lift the seat?" "What if I gotta take a shit, though?" "Congratulations on a wonderful beginning" "To the spring semester." "Hear, hear." "Hear, hear." "No, no, keep those glasses raised." "Before we go into spring break," "I want to share with you all a little secret" "That Professor Slocumb and I have been keeping from you." "We have decided" "To hire another tenure track assistant professor" "In the English Department." "Her name is Elaine Grasso." "She comes to us directly from Yale University," "Where she received her Ph.D. in English Literature," "And has been teaching for three years." "Oh, fuck." "Believe me, we are very lucky to get her." "I hope you will all welcome her with open arms..." "And open minds." "Now, enjoy the evening" "And enjoy your spring break." "Cheers." "Hear, hear." "Oh!" "Charlie!" "This is an antique!" "Sorry, excuse me." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, now it's coming out." "Hello?" "Stan." "Hey." "It's Professor Thurber." "Professor Thurber?" "Sorry to be calling so late." "I was asleep." "I've actually given some more thought" "To what we talked about, and, uh..." "I'd love to new faculty adviser" "To the poetry club." "You're too late." "Professor Grasso..." "The new professor..." "She's gonna do it." "Really?" "Professor Grasso?" "She's really nice." "I mean, she hasn't even started yet." "She's very attractive and seems very smart." "Stan..." "I think she's from Yale." "What do you say we start a new poetry club..." "An alternate poetry club?" "Anything you want, man." "That sounds like it could be fun." "Great." "Great." "Can you meet in my office in the morning?" "Yeah." "Okay." "Good-bye." "You said it could be anything I wanted." "Yeah." "But, Stan..." "erotic poetry?" "I guess I just never had you pegged for it, you know?" "Just how erotic are we talking here?" "Pretty erotic." "Graphic descriptions and whatnot?" "I can give you an example." "Okay." "Shoot." "This one's called Stroker Poker." "Stroker Poker." ""Cock." "Balls." ""My stroke machine" ""Roars down the lustful highway." ""Cock." "Balls." ""Stroke lust." ""My fuck machine's engines are roaring." ""They're soaring." "Stan." "Stan!" ""Stroking..."" ""Stroke..."" "Professor Thurber." "Yeah, hi." "I'm sorry to interrupt." "I wanted to introduce you" "To Professor Elaine Grasso." "Oh." "Hi there." "Hi." "Really nice to meet you." "I hear you're gonna be starting up soon." "Yes, yes." "I'm very excited." "I've heard a lot of wonderful things about you." "Oh, likewise." "Likewise." "I, uh..." "I was just helping Stanley here" "With the new poetry club we've started up." "Fascinating stuff." "I'm the, uh, faculty adviser." "Well, that sounded..." "Very creative, Stan." "I forgot that you guys knew each other already." "Well, I met with Stan" "And some of the other students" "For a little pre-semester poetry club get-to-know-you." "I mean..." "the other poetry club." "Wow." "Oh, that's fantastic." "Pre-semester, huh?" "Huh, that's swell." "That's great preparation on your part." "Oh." "Well, thank you." "Gosh, it was nice to meet you." "I should get back to work." "I guess I'll be seeing you around?" "I look forward to it." "Um... bye, Stan." "Good-bye." "Thanks for stopping by." ""My cock is locked and loaded!" Hold." "Okay, just give me a minute." "It's nice of you guys" "To include me on your spring break." "Hey, man, I heard about Elaine Grasso." "Who's Elaine Grasso?" "Nobody." "Just a girl." "A new assistant professor in the English Department." "They just hired from Yale." "A looker, too." "Tenure track?" " Uh-huh." "Well, that's just dandy, isn't it, Charlie?" "Dude..." "that's your sister?" "Come on, time's up." "We're not playing timed turns." "The hell we're not." "Put 'em down." ""Chug"?" "For Christ's sake, Charlie, you're an English professor." "That's a word." "Maybe if I'd had more time..." ""Chug" won't get you tenure." "I'll bet that new girl..." "The Yaley..." "Grasso." "Professor Grasso." "Right." "Grasso." "I'll bet you she knows some two-syllable words." ""Quixotic"?" "Dude, that's, like, 1,000 points." "Damn right, Sasquatch." "And they say I have Alzheimer's." "Where's he going?" "Who the fuck knows?" "He's pretty cute." "Jay?" "!" "Yeah, man?" "No." "Sorry." "I wasn't talking to you." "It's okay." "That's cool." "Ah!" "We need to talk." "About what?" "What do you think?" "About Dad." "More specifically..." "About how much money his care is costing me." "Oh, God." "It's not right." "You're not even visiting him regularly." "I visit him." "I've missed once or twice." "It's no biggie." "Yes, it is." "It is a biggie." "He needs to be able to count on us." "He's sick." "He's fine!" "He just won at Scrabble." "Okay, well, I need a budget." "And it wouldn't kill you to spend $1,000 a month." "And more, when you get your tenure." "Somebody get my video camera!" "Huh?" "Hello?" "Beth?" "Yeah?" "Who's this?" "Hi, it's Charlie, from the telethon." "You gave me your number, remember?" "Um... why are you calling?" "Well, you said that I could call after pledge week." "I just wanted to talk." "It's 2 a.m., Charlie." "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I thought..." "This is really weird." "Please don't call me anymore." "Okay." "Um..." "I am sorry." "Whatever." "Good night." "Yeah!" "All right!" "At least Steve Kim was..." "A pretty run-of-the-mill Korean guy." "I mean, he's a sharp dresser and all..." "I don't think she's that hot." "Well, that's good, man." "Because as of today, she's your mortal enemy." "She's not my mortal enemy, buddy." "Not me." "She's your Steve Kim." "Only hot." "I'm doing everything I can do, right?" "I've started this new poetry club with Stan." "I'm pretty sure my article's gonna be published this semester." "I've taught damn near every class you can teach" "In the department." "I think I'm in pretty good shape." "Aren't I?" "Do you pee sitting down?" "Yeah, occasionally, at night." "Why?" "Don't admit that." "Look, I played by the rules," "And you saw what happened to me." "It's time for politics, man." "The dirtier, the better." "Why can't I just teach my damn classes?" "That's not how it works." "You gotta get creative." "I mean, look at her." "She's not even sitting" "On the right side of the bleachers." "Yeah." "Catch my drift?" "No." "Wrong side of the bleachers." "Oh, yeah." "Like, uh..." "Poor school spirit?" "Exactly." "School spirit is a solid angle, man." "You deserve tenure." "That's your spot, not hers." "School spirit." "Good Lord." "Charlie, what are you wearing?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Hi." "Oh, I see." "Elaine was just telling me" "She is going to be published" "In the next issue of the August Journal." "Isn't that fantastic?" "That's really great." "It's wonderful." "No, it's not such a big deal." "On the contrary, Elaine, it is a big deal." "The August Journal is the cream of the crop." "Yes." "Congratulations." "Good job." "Oh, say, Elaine, I was gonna mention to you" "That, uh..." "I couldn't help but notice," "At the basketball game yesterday," "You were sitting on the opposing team's side of the court." "Oh." "I didn't even know." "I just wanted to watch the game." "No biggie." "I don't know how they do things over at Yale," "But around here," "We're pretty big on school spirit." "Okay." "Go Whales!" "Right?" "Ha ha!" "What I'm saying, Ben," "I just don't think your story's as smart as you are." "I don't think there is enough" "Of who you are as a person in it." "So, you're saying it sucks, right?" "No, that's not what I'm saying at all." "I just think it could be great" "If there was more, you know, Ben in it." "You've written a story here that's about a hockey player." "That's not you." "Well, what would you write about?" "Uh..." "I'd write a story about a, uh..." "A teacher whose life is in a shambles," "Just a kind of slow-moving disaster." "He's mid-thirties," "Still sleeping on a futon." "The point is, it'd be terrible." "But I'm not a good writer." "You are." "You all are." "That's what I'm trying to tell you guys." "Maybe the teacher in your story" "Just needs somebody to help him..." "You know, to organize himself." "Yeah." "Yeah, thanks." "Look, you all want to be writers." "You're really gonna have to try and look inside yourselves" "And examine who you are." "Otherwise, it's a waste of time." "You know, take Stan, for instance." "He's been working on, uh..." "Well, sex poems." "Look, it's not a joke." "It takes courage to do that." "That's what I'm trying to say to you guys." "You're gonna have to take a chance to do something good." "But what if writing what you really want would get you in trouble?" "Guys, look..." "I told you..." "For this class," "I don't want there to be any rules." "I don't care what the other teachers tell you." "I just want you to be yourselves." "Okay?" "Write about what you know." "Okay." "Don't..." "Don't worry." "It's not a test." "Teacher evaluation form." "Just take a look at it." "Fill it out for me, please." "What's it for?" "It's standard for assistant professors" "Up for tenure." "I go up for review next month." "I'm here to collect the evaluations." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Any progress on publishing your article?" "No, not yet." "Is this gonna be a problem?" "No." "I, uh..." "I mean..." "Well, what do you mean?" "What do I..." "Charlie, I'm the head of the department." "This reflects on all of us." "I know." "I just..." "I've been rewriting it again, and..." "Good." "You're up for tenure." "You have to publish something." "Whew." "I..." "I am not charmed by you, Thurber." "It's called survival, Charlie..." "Letting the air out of a colleague's tires?" "Don't get so technical." "She'd do the same thing to you." "Dude, floor it." "Floor it!" "Go!" "Floor it!" "Hey, what do you know about herbal sexual enhancement?" "It's just that Maggie says you're short on cash," "And I may have come into something really good." "Maggie?" "Your sister." "You call her Maggie?" "So, you two talk?" "Yeah, all the time." "You know, since the trip." "It's just that I know she's puttin' the screws to you for cash." "Can we just not talk" "About my family situation here?" "Look, I just want to let you in on the ground floor." "If you wait too long," "This thing's gonna blow up." "It's FDA-approved and everything." "I appreciate that, Jay." "I really do." "But I've got to go home right now" "And bake a motherfucking double batch of brownies" "For the faculty meeting tomorrow morning." "So I kind of got my hands full." "Mmm!" "Wonderful brownies, Charlie." "Just wonderful." "Thank you." "Professor?" "Oh, thank you, Charlie." "Oh." "Good morning." "Don't mind if I do." "I guess Miss Grasso is not gonna join us this morning." "Very well." "Let's begin." "All I can say is that I was so impressed." "I mean, the talent and the intellect..." "So sorry I'm late." "I had a flat tire this morning." "It was completely out of the blue." "Sorry." "Very well." "Charlie has volunteered" "To act as secretary in your absence." "Where were we, Charlie?" "Professor Slocumb was just telling us" "About our Canterbury Tales themed Caribbean cruise." "Right." "Hannah?" "Yes, it was absolutely wonderful." "The captain spoke flawless Old English." "All join hands." "Bring it to the center." "And take it back home." "Take it back home." "You should go out there, Dad, have some fun." "I'd rather saw off my prick" "With a plastic knife." "What's the good of this place" "If you don't participate in anything?" "Exactly." "You hate it that much?" "I don't know why I'm here." "Dad, you know, you disappeared" "For three days last year." "We thought you were dead." "That's your sister talking." "We can't leave you alone anymore." "Heh." "You think I'm not alone?" "In chapter one of the assigned reading," "We meet the protagonist." "And... ahem..." "The themes are very clearly established." "Does any one know" "What the theme of Crime and Punishment is?" "Oh." "Hello, Professor Thurber." "Hi." "Excuse me." "I just need to borrow" "Your overhead projector for just a moment." "Sure." "I'll be right out of here." "Excuse me." "Great book." "One of my favorites." "Wow." "Usually I can't shut these punks up." "Blair, did you even do the reading?" "Yes." "This is like pulling teeth." "I don't know how you do it." "And, so, what did you think of Raskolnikov?" "I mean, he's a poor student, like you," "Minus the laptop." "What'd you think of him?" "Well..." "I felt sorry for him, I guess." "Why, Blair?" "'Cause his life sucks so bad." "You get the feeling something really awful is about to happen." "Which is cool, I guess." "I wish I was in this class." "I'll have this back by tomorrow morning." "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Check this out." "You are not gonna believe it." "Jay, what is this?" "I've got her under 24-hour surveillance." "It's amazing." "I found this perfect vantage point in her backyard..." "Oak tree, I think." "Maybe a maple." "Strong branches." "All right, turn it off." "What?" "This is the best part." "Jesus." "Fuck, man, this is..." "What is this possibly gonna get us?" "Surveillance, man." "You never know." "It's illegal, Jay." "Says who?" "Says the police." "The law, Jay." "I just thought..." "Listen..." "You can't do things like that." "You're supposed to be helping me." "Listen..." "Jay, I know your heart is in the right place." "I do." "But you gotta promise me" "That you're not gonna do anything like that again." "Please?" "I won't." "I promise." "Do you have a minute?" "Uh, yeah." "Yeah, come on in." "Have a seat." "I just wanted to thank you" "For the other day." "I know we're in competition with each other," "But that was really nice of you." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "No problem." "I, uh..." "The kids, they can be a little weird" "Around new teachers." "Yeah." "I'm not so sure it's them." "Anyway, I was wondering" "If you had any advice..." "You know, for the new kid." "Uh... gosh, I..." "I think some of the best advice I got about teaching" "Was just to try to not act like a teacher." "Just try to be yourself." "Yeah, I think that might be the problem." "I am being myself." "How do you mean?" "Dude!" "I've been lookin' all over for you." "We've got the Bigfoot Club." "The kids are waiting." "You know, we can do this another time." "I'm sorry." "No, that's fine." "We're searching for Sasquatch." "Oh." "Great." "Well, good luck." "Yeah." "Dude, I told you to page me if you were under attack." "I wasn't under attack." "I was trying to converse with a colleague." "I was just trying to talk to Elaine." "Don't let Elaine sweet-talk you." "It's time to be strong..." "Or it's all over." "Pack your bags for Turdville State." "Come on." "Where are we going?" "I told you..." "Bigfoot Club." "That was for real?" "Well, I'm not a member, am I?" "So I..." "Probationary." "But the guys dig you." "Plus, you got a car." "Come on." "Leakey's gonna be pissed" "When I'm on the cover of National Geographic." "Oh, yeah." "You'll be an American hero," "And he'll still be riding his stupid fold-up bike" "Around Grey College." "Does that thing fold up?" "That's actually kind of sweet." "I don't know." "Maybe." "Dr. Hadley!" "Get the calipers!" "Calipers." "Remember..." "If we make contact," "Don't show your teeth." "Never bare your teeth!" "Come on!" "This is what you signed up for!" "Remind me to email that photo" "To Steve Kim, will you?" "Okay. "Email Professor Kim."" "Do you think it's real?" "You're fuckin'" "A right it's real." "The only problem is..." "I forgot to bring my plaster casting gear with me." "The West Coasters are gonna call bullshit" "On the whole thing." "Fucking snobs." "That's bullshit!" "Take it easy, guys." "It's all part of the yeti game." "What about the photos?" "Those work, right?" "Anybody can pull a hoax with Photoshop these days." "This is bull-crap." "This is solid progress, guys." "Don't let it get you down." "Go back to campus, get my plaster gear..." "What if it rains?" "We'll lose the print!" "Cool down, dudes!" "Easy." "It's okay." "One thing's for sure..." "That son of a bitch is out there somewhere." "Did you ever talk to Dad about the telethons?" "You didn't, did you?" "They called me again, Charlie." "Faculty lounge, noon." "I've got a winner." "Hmm!" "That's funny." "I thought I left a Coke in here yesterday." "Hmm." "Oh, Elaine?" "Did you get that Coke out of the refrigerator?" "No." "I brought this one from home." "Why?" "No reason." "I left a Coke in the fridge yesterday," "And now it's gone." "Well, this one's mine." "I'm sure of it." "Oh." "Well, I always put a little sticker on mine" "With my name on it." "So, I guess we could find out." "Do you mind?" "Heh." "Satisfied?" "I would be..." "Except I put the sticker on the bottom of the can." "That can't..." "That can't be." "I brought this one from home." "I'm not gonna make a big deal out of it." "It's warm." "It's not from the refrigerator." "Do me a favor." "Just buy your own Coke from now on." ""My fuck machine's engines are roaring"," ""They're soaring!" "Stroking and stroking my balls..."" "Is this the Erotic Poetry Club?" "Uh, yeah." "Hi, Robin." "It is, but we're actually just wrapping things up." "Weren't we, Stan?" "No." "We just started." "You should join." "I don't think we're actually taking new members this semester." "Sorry." "Yes, we are." "Yes, we are." "Um, so..." "What are you guys..." "do here?" "Well, um..." "Stan kind of teaches me the ways of the world," "And I try and soak it all in." "That's not true." "It is, Stan." "Don't sell yourself short." "Remember what I told you?" "I wrote a poem." "It's called Teacher's Pet." "Read it." "Read it." "Whoa." "Robin, do me a favor..." "Wait on that, okay?" "Stan, do you have something you could read first?" "No." "It's just that there's kind of a hierarchy" "In the Erotic Poetry Club." "And generally, as a rule," "We don't allow our newer members to read" "On their first day." "There's never been a new member." "And I'm president," "So I can overrule you." "Read it." "Okay." ""I want to be the teacher's pet."" ""The thought of it makes me..."" "Okay!" "I gotta get going." "You guys take it from here." "No!" "Let her finish." "Sit down." "Sit down." ""I want to be the teacher's pet."" ""The thought of it makes me..."" ""Sad."" ""Because I know it's not to be."" ""I'm not for him..."" ""And he's not for me."" "That wasn't very erotic." "Was it?" "Hey." "Hi." "Don't worry, okay?" "It gets better." "I'm not so sure." "You want to take a walk or something?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'd like that." "Okay." "I'm a terrible teacher." "Oh, come on." "No." "You're just having a tough time adjusting." "It gets easier." "No, no." "I was at Yale for three years." "Same thing..." "I never adjusted." "Well, they can smell fear, the kids." "I know." "Yeah." "Can I tell you a secret?" "Sure." "Yale was going to fire me." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "That's why I'm here." "I know Dean Leakey paints a rosier picture," "But that's the truth." "I just couldn't cut it." "I just freeze up, you know?" "I prepare, I plan," "I write everything down." "I know..." "I know all the material backwards and forwards." "But it just never fails." "Every time I get in front of the class," "I freeze up." "I don't know what to do." "Well, I mean, maybe you should try" "To not prepare so much." "Don't write everything down." "Don't plan so much." "Just try to wing it and see what happens." "Ha ha!" "No, I think you'd be surprised by how well you do." "That's completely terrifying." "The fear part goes away" "Once you get the hang of it." "I don't know." "Well, just remember..." "You're the smartest person in the room." "Hell, you're probably the smartest person" "At Grey College." "Hmm." "Hmm." "Did you see the look on Leakey's face?" "You're not hearing me." "It's over." "You're my best friend, Charlie." "I'm just trying to help." "I know you are, Jay, but it's not right," "What you're doing." "And it's stressing me out." "And, you know, she's a nice person." "How nice?" "Nice." "Pleasant." "Christ, you dig her, don't you?" "No, I don't dig her, Jay." "I just..." "I said she was pleasant." "Still want to go to the seminar with me?" "Or are you all mad at me?" "I'll go." "Just stop accusing people" "Of stealing Cokes, all right?" "Oh, yeah!" "What does IBO stand for?" "Come on, guys!" "What does IBO stand for?" "Individual Business Owner." "That is exactly right, my man." "Individual Business Owner." "The American dream," "And the future of everyone in this room." "You!" "Citizen!" "What's your name?" "Charlie." "Charlie!" "I'm Dave." "Hi." "That's the guy I was telling you about." "Tell me something, Charlie..." "Are you satisfied" "With the way things are going in your life?" "Yeah, it's pretty good." "Zowie!" "Then why are you here, Charlie?" "Actually..." "If my life were pretty good," "I sure as hell wouldn't be here right now, you know what I'm sayin'?" "So..." ""Pretty good"." ""Pretty good."" "You're satisfied with "pretty good"?" "Yeah, I think so." "Let me tell you something," "Right here, right now, Charlie." "No, you're not." "Now I'm gonna ask that question again." "Are you satisfied?" "Yes." "No... you're... not." "I am, actually." "I'm..." "No, you're not, Charlie." "Everybody, come on." "Say it with me." "No, you're not." "No, you're not." "Yeah!" "No, you're not!" "I'm happy..." "You're not, Charlie." "Okay, no, I'm not." "Or you wouldn't be here." "You follow me?" "Yeah." "Herb-Erect is the future." "And believe you me..." "If you have ever had a 100 % organic erection," "You'll understand why this stuff sells itself." "I gotta go." "Excuse me." "Charlie." "Wonderful news, isn't it, Charlie?" "Yeah." "She's a real talent." "How are your own publishing pursuits going?" "It's been a dog's age since your last article." "Things are looking really good." "We'll be hearing the good news soon, then." "Charlie." "Oh." "Hey, Elaine." "Congratulations on your article." "Oh, thank you." "Listen, um..." "My boyfriend is visiting for the weekend," "And, well, I was wondering" "If you and your partner might want to come for dinner." "Sure, that sounds gr..." "I'm sorry, did you say "partner"?" "Yeah." "Well, Professor Hadley told me" "You had a partner." "Like a male partner?" "Like a man?" "Well, yeah." "That's what he said." "No." "No, uh..." "That's not true." "What exactly, uh..." "Did Professor Hadley say to you?" "He told me you were gay." "No." "No, I'm not." "I'm afraid he was just pulling your leg." "I'm straight..." "Uh, as an arrow." "Oh, my God..." "I've got a girlfriend and everything." "I'm so..." "I'm sorry." "No, I'm so embarrassed." "Don't be." "I didn't..." "I thought it was strange." "Um, well, listen," "Why don't you and your girlfriend come?" "Friday night?" "Wonderful." "Yeah?" "It's her night off." "She works at PBS." "Great." "Yeah." "Well, I'll see you then." "We'll be there." "Okay." "I know we've never actually met in person," "But it is just one night." "I told you not to call me again." "I know, I know." "But, look..." "I really need a date to this party," "And who knows?" "You may even like me, right?" "I don't know." "All right, well, listen, I'm not a stalker, okay?" "So, we meet in a public place," "So there are no safety issues." "It's a long story," "But it would really be helpful for me" "If you could do this, you know?" "I'm sorry." "I just can't do it." "What if I pay you a hundred bucks?" "250." "Okay, fine." "Yeah, 250's good." "Okay, and my boyfriend is going to drive us." "You have a boyfriend?" "Beth, can you hold on a sec?" "Hello?" "Where's my money, Charlie?" "Margaret, hey, hi." "I'm good, by the way." "But, yeah, I've had a few unexpected expenses this month." "But can you hang on a sec?" "No, I can't hang on..." "Beth, hi." "Um..." "thanks again." "And, um, I gotta go now," "But I'm gonna call you back about the plans." "Okay." "Thanks." "A giant, hairy creature..." "Part ape, part man." "Indians call him Sasquatch." "They believe he is as gentle" "As he is powerful and mysterious." "Yeah!" "Hey, man." "What's goin' on?" "Um..." "You tell Professor Grasso I was gay?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hey, man, time out." "You're taking this way out of context." "What I said was that you were bi..." "Curious." "There is no context here, Jay." "Bi?" "!" "Curious!" "Why?" "!" "It's a big difference." "That means you're experimenting." "Well, here..." "I mean, I was joking, you know?" "She obviously doesn't even know how to take a joke." "She thought you were serious, Jay." "I just talked to her." "Heh." "All right, I'll be straight with you." "I thought she has the hots for you, man." "And that is definitely a no-fly zone." "You gotta use your head." "I told you I wanted to do this my way." "This was before you benched me." "I swear." "You just..." "You..." "Jesus." "How are you gonna sell all this?" "How are we gonna sell that, partner?" "We?" "You said you were into it." "No, I didn't." "I left early, remember?" "Does it even work?" "I've had a hard-on for 16 hours." "Are you serious?" "No joking..." "You know what?" "It's actually kind of uncomfortable." "But I called Dave," "And he said it'll go away." "Hey, this is it." "Just be cool." "Who is it?" "Remember that shit-stack who sold me that placebo?" "The student, yeah." "Well, he's the biggest dealer on campus." "Perfect down line." "Are you..." "Are you crazy, Jay?" "The guy sells fake ecstasy." "Only to teachers, man." "Just relax." "Ohh." "Uhh." "Just be cool." "Okay." "I got a date tonight." "So, if this shit energizes my bunny..." "I'll call you back." "You got a problem with that, Bigfoot?" "That's cool, man." "Yeah." "All right?" "If you want out, just say the word." "Yeah." "I want out." "I never wanted in, Jay." "You're gonna thank me later, dude." "Probably not." "So... you pay girls" "To hang out with you very often, Professor?" "First time, actually." "Officer." "It's legal." "I checked." "It's an escort deal." "Right, baby?" "Right." "Just follow my lead in there, okay?" "Okay." "All they know is that you're my girlfriend" "And that you work for PBS, okay?" "I don't work for PBS." "What are you ta..." "What about the telethon?" "I was a volunteer." "That was community service, actually." "Just..." "Just roll with it, okay?" "Can you do that for me?" "Thanks." "I did drama in high school." "Okay." "Oh, and I think Tim wants to have a threesome later." "Hi!" "Hi!" "Hello." "Please come in." "After you." "Hello, hi." "How are you?" "Hi, Elaine." "This looks great." "Thanks for having us." "Warren Blake..." "English Department, Yale University." "Flash Gordon..." "Quarterback, New York Jets." "Okay." "Oh, boy." "Oh." "Ugh." "Um, didn't Charlie tell you?" "Tell me what?" "I'm a vegetarian." "Oh, no." "Oh, I..." "Honey, I forgot." "I'm sorry." "It slipped my mind." "Oh, Charlie's so forgetful." "I became a vegetarian, um," "The first day I started at PBS." "It just felt right." "You know, I can whip up a salad" "In no time at all." "Why don't I do that?" "Let me help you, dear." "No, no, no," "We don't mean to put you out." "You sure?" "That's fine." "What are you doing?" "What?" "I am a vegetarian." "Just... don't ruffle any feathers." "I thought it was cool," "How I worked in the whole..." "PBS thing." "Oh, yeah, that was great." "Just take it easy." "Just follow my lead, all right?" "Ha ha ha!" "Charlie!" "That's good." "So, Warren..." "Hmm?" "What's Yale like?" "Beth..." "Yale is the finest academic institution" "In the country." "Nay, the world." "I consider myself to be one of the lucky few" "In the field of English Literature." "To get to rub shoulders" "With some of the greatest minds in our lifetime..." "Horwitz, Bringard..." "Whelan." "Hmm!" "All close colleagues of mine." "What about Slocumb and Leakey?" "Ha!" "They're over at Grey." "Is the food good?" "Heh." "Yes." "The food at Yale is positively exquisite, Beth." "Beth, did you know that Charlie" "Is one of the most popular teachers at Grey?" "We don't talk about work much, to be honest." "We have a very..." "Ahem." "Passionate relationship." "Passionate, eh?" "Ha ha ha!" "Well, never underestimate the power of the flesh, right?" "Heh!" "Yeah, I'll say." "So, tell us, Charlie..." "What is it that makes a good teacher," "In your professional opinion?" "Well, I think the most important thing" "Is to never forget what it was like to be a student." "You know, I just try and picture myself" "Out there in the classroom," "Staring up at this dumb guy at the front of the room." "What?" "Um, I mean..." "Why the hell should they care what I say?" "I think you have to find a way in," "And, you know, make them laugh, challenge them," "Keep surprising them." "And, um, once you're in," "I think you'd better find a way to stay in." "I guess that's..." "what I think." "We have a slightly different approach." "I've never really felt that friendships" "Between teacher and student are beneficial." "But obviously we're all entitled" "To our own, uh..." "Shall we say, style." "Warren, you haven't taught a class for three years." "Thank you for reminding me of that." "That's true." "So, are you on sabbatical?" "Yes, that's right." "That must be so cool." "Do you get high a lot?" "Hmm, no." "No, I..." "I don't." "Heh." "Beth's..." "really nice." "Yeah." "Where'd you meet her?" "We met at a, uh..." "PBS thing." "We were volunteers." "Oh." "That's sweet." "And how long have you been dating?" "Not long." "It's really not serious." "Oh." "Charlie." "That's awful." "No, it's the truth." "Well, she adores you." "Trust me." "Warren..." "Warren seems pretty cool." "Yeah." "Well, he's unique." "Yeah." "You know what?" "I really..." "I liked what you said in there" "About teaching." "Um, so, has it been going any better?" "Yeah." "You know, I still feel" "A little bit like an imposter, you know?" "But I tried what you told me." "Oh, yeah?" "Did it work?" "It did, it did." "Things have gotten" "A lot more..." "relaxed around there." "That's good." "I felt like it would." "Did you get this wine at Yale?" "Yes, that's right." "It's really good." "Well..." "I guess that's it." "Thanks for letting me give a hand." "Well, thank you for helping me." "No..." "No, listen..." "Beth's really lucky." "Oh, goddamn." "That got me so hot." "It was like role-play." "You up for some fun tonight, Professor?" "Me?" "Oh, no, thanks." "No?" "What are you, gay or something?" "God, she is hotter than a firecracker right now." "I'm bi... curious." "So..." "You are so freakin' hot." "Here you go." "Well, thanks a lot, you two." "I, uh, I think that worked out really well." "Fuck you, pervert." "No." "No, you're responsible." "I mean, how can we trust you?" "What do you people do?" "You know what?" "I need to call you back." "I see you, jackass!" "God!" "You're such a loser." "Hey, Margaret." "Sorry, I didn't see you." "Dad escaped." "What?" "They called me two hours ago." "He didn't show up to water aerobics, and they got worried." "Why didn't they call me?" "They tried, but you never answer your phone." "And God forbid you get a cell phone." "He was doing so well." "He's fine, Margaret." "No, he disappeared again, Charlie!" "He's not fine!" "Okay." "He has these episodes," "And he doesn't know where he is." "He could be in danger." "Ohh." "I have total respect" "For your fugitive status, Professor Thurber." "Well, I appreciate that, Sasquatch." "I've been in your shoes..." "Tons of times." "Runnin' from the man, on the lam." "Sasquatch, do you think..." "Everything's all right with Charlie?" "Yeah." "You did a good job, Professor." "Charlie's got his head on straight." "I thought when I got to be this age," "Things would get easier." "But everything just gets more absurd." "Are you screwing my daughter?" "Heh." "Heh." "It's not arbitrary." "We try to make a choice" "Where he might go in." "What you look for is..." "An oddly-broken branch." "Aha." "Oh, my God." "The Bigfoot Club?" "What the hell is going on around here?" "We've been looking for you for hours, Dad." "Jay, did you do this?" "Oh, relax, Margaret." "Sasquatch had nothing to do with it." "I ran into them." "We had a nice little expedition." "He's telling the truth, I swear." "Dad, you can't leave like that." "I'm not a child, Margaret." "What have you been doing all day?" "Where have you been?" "Do you know how worried we've been?" "I took a damn walk!" "Dad, she's just trying to help." "Come on." "It's okay." "Well, guys, so long." "See you, Bill." "He seems good." "Right?" "Charlie." "Yeah." "This isn't funny." "Dad... you can't do that again." "If you want to take a walk," "You have to tell somebody." "Wait here." " Okay." "Where'd you get that?" "Sasquatch gave it to me, free." "Told me to pass it out on the floor." "See that, Charlie?" "Right there?" "That's why she's not a teacher." "Oh, she wouldn't last a day." "Yeah." "You're different." "Oh, Christ." "You got it all?" "Yeah." "Dr. Leakey, good news." "About your article, I assume?" "Yep." "East Dubuque Review." "I can't say I've ever heard of it," "But I'm sure it's quite... competitive." "Oh, yeah." "Now..." "Ooh!" "Oh, Charlie, look here." "This is interesting." ""However, due to the fact" ""That our magazine is closing its doors in June," ""We can only offer you publication" ""On our sister website..." "Eastdubuquerecreation.org."" "Shit." "Congratulations, Charlie." "I'm sure this means the website" "Will get many more hits." "I can't believe this is our last class together." "Well, I guess we ought to get started, huh?" "Professor Thurber, we didn't know what to do," "But we wanted to get you a gift," "Since you've been such a great teacher this year." "Thanks." "You didn't have to do that." "We wanted to." "Well, thank you." "Let's see here." "Well..." "We just wanted you to remember us." "Thanks, guys." "Thanks." "This really means a lot." "Well, I find out about tenure tomorrow, Dad." "So..." "The big day is finally here, eh?" "Is there gonna be some kind of a party?" "I'm available." "Well, I guess that all depends" "On how it turns out." "Look..." "If you don't get tenure, you move on." "That's all." "Grey College..." "Not so special, right?" "And if you do get it, that's fantastic." "You certainly deserve it." "The point is, you're a teacher, Charlie." "That's what you do best." "Anywhere you go in life," "There's always gonna be a classroom" "Full of kids who need you." "I promise you that." "* Here we go again" "* It's Monday at last" "* He's heading for the Waterloo line *" "* To catch the 8 a.m. fast" "* It's usually dead on time" "* Hope it isn't late, got to be there by nine *" "* Pinstriped suit, clean shirt and tie *" "* Stops off at the corner shop *" "* To buy the Times... *" "I've got a real good feeling about this, man." "Yeah." "It's not the end of the world." "It's only tenure." "Right?" "Right." "Good luck, man." "Thanks." "Okay." "I'm gonna cut right to the chase here, Charlie." "Your tenure vote was three to three... a tie." "And in cases of a tie," "The Dean acts as the deciding vote." "I've been watching you closely, Charlie," "And I must say you've been busy this semester." "Vandalizing my next-door neighbor's house was..." "An unorthodox beginning" "To your tenure pursuits." "And can you also explain your supposed connection" "To the sale of an illegal herbal erection cream on campus?" "Cream?" "And what about your publishing record at Grey?" "It's virtually nonexistent," "Save for some obscure online journal." "And to top things off," "You have been accused of various sanitary lapses" "By members of the faculty." "If I can address that, uh..." "I didn't do it," "As I stated earlier." "Charlie, Charlie, Charlie." "On paper, you are quite simply" "The worst candidate for tenure I have ever seen." "The worst?" "But in coming to my tiebreaking decision," "I came across these..." "Your student evaluation forms." "Your students love you, Charlie." "But I'm afraid that's simply not enough." "However, I'm going to take an unprecedented step" "In this matter." "I am prepared to offer you tenure," "On a strictly probationary basis," "For a period of one year." "But your teaching duties will be severely cut back." "Taking you out of the classroom, we believe," "Will give you ample time" "To focus on your own research and writing." "Now, then..." "What say you?" "See you, Bill." "Yeah, see you." "What the hell's going on here?" "I'm checking you out." "What?" "Yeah, you're comin' to live with me." "Are you serious?" "Yeah." "You don't belong here, Dad." "Heh." "That's what I've been trying to tell you." "Let's go." "What the Christ, Charlie?" "Oh, yeah." "Wait here a sec, okay?" "Uh, excuse me." "Just a quick announcement." "There are 200 bottles of Herb-Erect" "In the parking lot." "Free of charge." "First come, first served." "B-9?" "That's B-9." "Come here, you." "Hey." "I'm proud of you." "You made the right decision, buddy." "Thanks, Jay." "Thank you." "Dude, do you think I can keep this mug?" "I know it was a gift, but I was..." "I, uh..." "Oh, hold on a second." "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Hi." "Hi." "Congratulations, Charlie." "Thank you." "I'm sorry I'm late." "No, I'm really glad you came." "Um, can I get you something?" "Yeah." "Good to see you." "Good to see you, too." "So... are you ever gonna introduce me" "To your girlfriend?" "Oh, this isn't my girlfriend, Dad." "This is Elaine Grasso." "Hi." "Hi." "You like my son?" "Yes." "Are you single?" "Yes." "Heh." "Really?" "What about Warren?" "I'm single." "Well, then, it's settled." "I hope to see you again, Elaine." "Me, too." "Excuse me." "Not at all." "So, what happened to Warren?" "Um, honestly," "I think Warren happened to Warren." "Yeah." "Heh." "Well, don't worry,." "Grey College is chock full of eligible bachelors." "Hmm." "Well..." "I'm not worried." "Good morning." "I'm Charlie Thurber." "I'm your new English teacher." "I, uh, I used to teach at Grey College" "Down the road." "So, why do you want to teach us?" "Well, uh..." "I don't know." "It's the only thing I'm good at." "No, it really is." "So..." "* When the cowboy sings" "* When the Saturn rings" "* When the ginger snaps" "* When the thunder claps" "* You can cut my hair" "* You can fill my cup" "* You can tell me lies" "* You can make it up" "* We're gonna make it after all *" "* I don't need to know" "* Who's right or wrong" "* It's not a crime" "* To change your mind" "* When the kitchen sinks" "* When the sugar winks" "* When the doctor calls" "* When Niagara falls" "* I'm a wayward Tom" "* I'm a silver streak" "* And the walls have ears" "* But the walls don't speak" "* We're gonna make it after all *" "* I don't need to know * who's right or wrong" "* It's not a crime" "* To change your mind" "* Don't need to know" "* Don't need to know" "* Don't need to know" "* Don't need to know" "* Don't need to know" "* Don't need to know" "* Don't need to know"