"CROWD:" "Boo!" "SPORTSCASTER:" "He's not getting down on the ball." "The Sparks appear to still struggle here in the early..." "OSCAR:" "Oh, my God." "The old cockers in the stands... are better than the young cockers on the field." "MAN:" "Who's the man?" "WOMAN:" "Enough already!" "Come on!" "ABE:" "He just missed someone in the crowd." "OSCAR:" "What crowd?" "We could all go home in one car." "ABE:" "Maybe he should lay down a bunt." "OSCAR:" "This guy couldn't lay down a carpet." "WOMAN:" "Come on!" "Throw that ball!" "UMPIRE:" "Strike!" "ABE:" "Now he's over-swinging." "OSCAR:" "Don't complain." "He's cooling off the place." "Strike!" "You're out of there!" "OSCAR:" "Remember Clemente from the Pittsburgh Pirates?" "ABE:" "I envied you, covering the Yankees and the Mets." "Bet you miss New York." "OSCAR:" "Well, what was I gonna do?" "They sold the paper to an Australian." "Lucky for me they didn't sell it to the Japanese." "It would take me a year to read the batting averages." " Oh, Oscar!" " Hiya, Peaches." "PEACHES:" "I'm having a dinner party Friday night." "We're short one man." "OSCAR:" "How about Abe here?" "He's a short man." "PEACHES:" "You can run, Oscar, but you can't hide." "See ya." "OSCAR:" "That's such an original expression." "I hate a woman who talks like Muhammad Ali." "Hey, Conchita!" "CONCHITA:" "Tough loss today, eh, Oscar?" "OSCAR:" "I'm suicidal, honey." "If I call 911 tonight, any chance of mouth-to-mouth?" "CONCHITA: lay, tú eres un viejo bleu loco!" "OSCAR:" "Yeah, besa loco." "Don't you look at a good ass anymore?" "ABE:" "I can't look at pastrami." "Why should I look at an ass?" "OSCAR:" "You coming to the game tonight, Abe?" "ABE:" "I'll be a little late." "I have to pay my respects." "A friend in my building died." "OSCAR:" "Sorry to hear that." "What did he die of?" "He got hit by lightning on a golf course." "He should have been using his woods." "[Starts engine]" "Find out what his rent was." "I'm always looking for cheaper." "ABE:" "See you at the game." "[Cats meowing]" "Used to make that shot." "MAN:" "Damn it, Madison!" "My wife and I are fed up!" "I'm filing a complaint." "You gonna clean this up?" "Whatever the cats don't finish, I'll clean up later." "You!" "ABE:" "Come on, where is Oscar?" "OSCAR:" "Coming!" "I'm in!" "I'm in!" "Nobody bet." "Hold the bets." "I got a raise coming." "How we doing, girls?" "BOSSY WOMAN:" "Everybody's in except Esther." "OSCAR:" "Esther, you didn't make your straight?" "ESTHER:" "Who knows?" "I can't see the numbers." "Why can't we play with those great big cards?" "We tried that once." "Every time I shuffled, Abe's toupee blew off." "Not anymore." "This is the kind you can swim in." "Be careful, Abe." "You swim with that rug... and they'll think you're building a dam." "OSCAR:" "Who gets the Eggeman's lemon loaf cake... no cholesterol, no fat, no taste?" "That's mine." "One plate of chemical sponge cake for Millie." " Thanks, darling." " You're welcome." "Wanda, you vixen." "You know how that perfume drives me crazy!" "WANDA:" "You really like it?" "OSCAR:" "Yeah." "Also, I see I got you beat." "He always does that to me!" "Don't worry about it." "I lost so many brain cells today, I forgot what I saw." "WANDA:" "He's just like my third husband." "He should rest in peace." "How do you know he's dead?" "Maybe he's just bluffing." "WANDA:" "That's not funny." "Who gets salt-free nachos with cottage-cheese chili?" "That's mine, Oscar." "One Jenny Craig Mexican-style type of casserole dinner... for Señorita Abramowitz." "And we have a cherry soda for Abe." "What happened to Abe?" "Where's Abe?" "Here." "Why don't you sit on a magazine?" "I can't see you." "This isn't cherry." "It's lemon." "Now it's cherry." "Whose bet is it?" "Millie raised a quarter, so it's 33 cents for you." "OSCAR: 33 cents." "You need nerves of steel for this game." "[Telephone rings]" "I'm in." "ABE:" "Did we come here to talk or to play?" "Never finish a game." "OSCAR:" "All right, all right, I'm coming, I'm coming." "Whoever it is, I'll pay you on Thursday." "BRUCE:" "You sound good, Pop." "OSCAR:" "Brucie!" "Brucie, boychik, how are you?" "What are you doin'" "Hold it down, will you, girls?" "It's my son from California." "California." "My sister lost three pairs of dentures in the earthquakes." " So how does she eat?" " She sends out." "You, too, Brucie." "You still an actor?" "I got a call from CBS." "I may get a pilot this week." "Hey, that's terrific!" "My kid may get a pilot." " He got his own plane?" " You don't know what a pilot is?" "It's a television show that doesn't get on television." "Pop, that's not why I'm calling." "I got some big news for you." "I'm getting married this week." "Married?" "Yay!" "Why?" "Because I love her." "That's why." "You didn't say it was a girl." "If you're happy, I'm happy." "My kid is getting married." "Mazel tov." "WANDA:" "There goes my Rachel's last chance." "It's this Sunday afternoon." "You think you can come?" "OSCAR:" "Wild racehorses couldn't keep me away." "Where?" "BRUCE:" "It's at her mother's house in San Malina." "San Baloney?" "What was the name again?" "San Malina." "It's two hours north of L.A." "We'll send you the address." "OSCAR:" "Listen, if I'm not being too nosy, sweetheart... who the hell are you marrying?" "She's an actress, Pop." "She's beautiful." "She's so talented." "She's very smart." " And she loves your son." " See what I mean?" "I love her already." "So who is she?" "Well... hold on to your hat, Pop." "I need a hat to hold on to to hear this?" "She's not one of those 6'10" basketball players, is she?" "As long as she's thin." "I can't hear ya." "She's whose daughter?" "Whose?" "!" "Oh, my God." "[Sneezes]" "Snah." "Snah." "Snah!" "Snah-ah!" "Snah!" "Shah--I'm sorry." "Miss?" "[Sniffs, clears throat]" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "I wonder if I might change my seat... into the nonsmoking section?" "Well, the entire plane is nonsmoking, sir." "There's no one smoking on this aircraft." "I understand, but possibly the attendants... who cleaned the planes at the airport were smoking." "I'm very sensitive to that." "Well, I'm sorry, sir, but the entire plane is full." "Yeah, well..." "Ma'am?" "See, it's not just the smoke." "The woman next to me is wearing a perfume... that I have a definite allergy to." "I've already moved you once." "That was because of hair spray." "Now, look, I know that I sound crazy... but I just happen to be one of those hyperallergenic cases." "Can't you at least try?" "You mean sniff every woman on this plane... until you find a perfume you're not allergic to?" "I didn't complain about the food, did I?" "I didn't eat it, but I didn't complain about it." "You asked for the Hawaiian mahi mahi." "I told you we only serve the mahi mahi... on the west-east flights, not the east-west flights." "I just thought there might be one piece... of mahi mahi making the return trip." "That's all." "Just forget it." "I'll manage." "[Coughing]" "I have some cough lozenges if you like." "Isn't that sweet?" "Thank you." "No." "I have an unusually small windpipe." "If it got stuck, I could be dead in two minutes." "[Blows]" "[Sniffing]" "Are you having trouble breathing?" "I'm nervous because my daughter's getting married..." "Sunday in California." "You know, in San, uh..." "San, uh..." "I got a friend picking me up." "WOMAN:" "Oh." "Nice." "FELIX:" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Are you all right?" "Your face is turning bluish." "[Moans]" "Do you need oxygen?" "FELIX:" "Oh, yeah, yeah... but you never know who's been using that before." "[Moaning]" "Ohh." "WOMAN:" "Stewardess!" "Ohh." "Excuse me." "Ah, I see my bag." "Excuse me, please." "Sir." "What happened here?" "What do you call this?" "This is--this is mishandling the luggage." "It's a federal misdemeanor." "Did you see this?" "Oscar?" "Felix?" "Oscar!" "Felix!" "Look out!" "FELIX:" "Ohh, God." "We haven't even said hello, and I've got a broken leg." "OSCAR:" "It's just a sprain." "Hello, Felix." "FELIX:" "Let me know when you're gonna hit a bump." " Ohh!" "Ohh!" " OK, that was the bump." "[Moaning]" "Here you go, Felix." "We're all set." "FELIX:" "Maybe we can stop for a pair of crutches someplace." "Ooh." "Damn, that hurts." "OSCAR:" "Yeah, I'll keep my eye open for a crutch store." "I'm sure there's a lot of them on the freeway." "Now, hold on to me, and let's hop over to the car." " That's it." " Aah!" "Aah!" "That's it." "Now you got it." "OK." "Now bend down... and slide into the seat, you know what I mean?" "And tell me when it" "Tell me when it hurts." "FELIX:" "It hurts." "OSCAR:" "All right, I got a good idea." "Don't tell me when it hurts, 'cause it's gonna hurt anyway." "So when I count to three, we do it all in one big move." "One, two, three!" "FELIX:" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "Oh, God!" "OSCAR:" "I liked "it hurts" better." "FELIX:" "Ohh." "Oh, God." "Ohh." "OSCAR:" "Got you some ice from the machine." "It'll keep the swelling down." "I need something to put the ice in." "Put it in your sock." "What am I, an orthopedic?" "OSCAR:" "Your foot feeling any better?" "FELIX:" "It's not a foot anymore." "It's a piece of frozen meat." "Well, hang it out the window." "It's warm out." "God, I'm starvin'." "I haven't eaten since last night." "Didn't they serve on the plane?" "My fish was flyin' east." "Here's my complimentary nuts." "Go ahead." "If your teeth keep chattering... you'll have peanut butter in three minutes." "Oscar, do you know what the fat content of nuts is?" "Not to mention the salt content." "I could have a heart attack at the wedding." "FELIX:" "I haven't seen you in how long, eight, nine years?" "Seventeen." "Seventeen years, Oscar." "You couldn't remember we haven't seen each other for 17 years?" "Tell you the truth, I didn't dwell on it." "All right, 17 years." "So your hair got whiter... your ears got bigger, your nose got longer... but you still retain... that unique, elusive, pain-in-the-ass quality... that drives me berserk." "FELIX:" "Oh, really?" "Well, you have changed, Oscar." "When I saw you at the airport..." "I thought you'd died and your mother came to tell me." "I heard that line on the Jerry Seinfeld show." "So what?" "It's how fast I thought of it that counts." "Open the window." "I want to throw the water out." "It is open." "Sorry." "They must have just cleaned it." "OSCAR:" "You feelin' better now?" "What's the matter?" "You sprain your tongue, too?" "I'm angry at myself." "I shouldn't have yelled at you back there." "We've always had bad chemistry, Felix." "We mix like oil and frozen yogurt." "But I'm glad to see you anyway." "Oh, yeah, hey, me, too, Osc." "Boy, I was some kind of nut in those days, huh?" "From pecan to pistachio." "I guess I still am." "You know, I hate mess, and I hate disorder." "I went to a hypnotist to try to cure me." "Didn't work, right?" "No." "He was late." "I straightened up his office and left." "You better pull off the freeway, Oscar." "I gotta pee." "[Chuckling]" "Flah!" "OSCAR:" "Hi." "How you doin', kid?" "You all right?" "Are you the waiter?" "What do you want?" "BOY:" "Five dollars." "Why should I give you five dollars?" "Your friend said you would... for telling you that he's locked in the bathroom." "Why'd you tell him five bucks?" "He's only a kid." "He would have done it for a quarter." "What freeway are we supposed to be on?" "The 405." "I think that sign back there said 101." "If you didn't have the brains to pee at the airport... how the hell would you know what the sign said?" "Reading and peeing are two different things." "At your age, you're lucky you can do either one." "OSCAR:" "Is your daughter anything like you?" "She's not gonna clean up after the reception, is she?" "Hey, listen, my daughter is a wonderful young lady... and your son is damn lucky to get her." "And let me tell you something else" "Please, don't." "That's why I moved to Florida." "We keep this up, I'll be living in Guatemala." "Boy, that's fine by me." "OSCAR:" "So, what are you, retired now?" "What, me, retired?" "Oh, God." "Never." "No." "I'm doing part-time charity work at the hospital." "What do you mean, bedpans, stuff like that?" "No." "I read them stories, I write letters for them..." "I tell them jokes." "It's good for me, you know, because after my last wife" "Well, you probably heard about that." "I'm sorry to hear that." "I heard she went very quickly." "Moved out while I was asleep." "Never even left a note." "What does that make, three divorces now?" "Three divorces, two broken engagements... and five women who disappeared on the first date." "Went to the ladies' room, never came back." "I guess you had some bad luck with your personality." "That may be, but I haven't given up, Osc... because somewhere out there, there is a right woman for me." "Want me to stop the car and go and look?" "[Chuckles] No." "But you should pull over because I've got to eat." "I have this low-sugar condition." "I have to eat every four hours." "Why the hell didn't you eat back at El Polo Loco?" "Because it wasn't time to eat yet." "It was time to pee." "Sheesh." "[Tires screeching]" "[Horns honking]" "All right, Felix." "Make out a timetable-- when you're gonna eat, when you're gonna pee... when you're gonna fart, when you're gonna cry... and when you're gonna sleep, because that's the last time..." "I'm pulling off the freeway, you hear?" "Oh." "And I suppose you never have to pee, huh?" "I do it for a half hour in the morning... and then I'm through for the day." "Oh, lucky you." "OSCAR:" "What do you got there?" "What are you doin'?" "How do you know which ones to take?" "Doesn't make any difference." "Whatever they fix, I got." "Don't you take them with water?" "What, the local water?" "Water from around here?" "Don't you know how many pesticides they have... in the local water?" "Lower your voice, will you?" "People in here don't know they'll be dead in a week." "[Clears throat]" "Snah!" "Nah." "Snah!" "Snah!" "Didn't you fix that yet?" "Snah!" "Almost." "Just one..." "Snah!" "Comes up." "[Sniffs]" "Snah!" "[Coughing]" "What the hell?" "Open a window, will ya?" "[Coughing]" "How long was I asleep?" "I didn't know you wanted me to time it." "Hey, look at this." "We're off the freeway." "Are we almost there?" "I don't think so." "You don't think so?" "What do the directions say?" "They're gone." "I threw 'em out the window." "You threw 'em out the" "You threw 'em out the window?" "What the hell made you do a stupid thing like that?" "Well, I had them on my lap so I could read them." "I lit my cigar, the hot ashes fell on my crotch... the map caught fire." "I had the choice of either finding the house... or burning up one of the most important parts of my body." " Guess which I picked?" " Unbelievable." "So you just picked any exit and got off?" "I had to get off someplace, didn't I?" "This isn't someplace." "This is no place." "Pull over." "I'll get the directions out of my suitcase." "Where's my suitcase?" "Your suitcase?" "In the trunk." " No." " No?" " No." " Did you look good?" "The trunk is about this big." "It takes a second and a half to look in there." "Your 1927 piece of cardboard is there... but my suitcase isn't." "What are you talking about?" "It's got to be in there." "Let me look at it." "Oscar..." "I'm going to try to stay very calm... while I say the next sentence." "If it isn't in there... where in the hell is my goddamn suitcase?" "!" "This is just a wild guess." "I'd say standing in front of the Budget rent-a-car office." " In Los Angeles?" "!" " That's a good guess, too." "Oh, God Almighty." "We're gonna go back and get it." "OSCAR:" "Go back?" "It took us two hours to get here." "It's gonna take us another five hours to go back... 'cause I don't know how we got here in the first place." "We'd have to make three stops-- one for you to pee... one for you to get locked in the john... one for you to pay a kid five dollars to get out... then we'd have to stop again for you to eat." "Do you understand what I'm talking about?" "FELIX:" "Ohh!" "What did you have in there, an ironing board, spot remover?" "I'll pay you back." "In that suitcase was my black formal afternoon suit... that I bought to wear to give my daughter away in marriage." "And in that suitcase was a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray... which I bought as a wedding present." "Oh, and in that suitcase was $10,000 in cash... which I intended to give to my son-in-law on his wedding day." "Now, in your suitcase, the police are going to find... your broken, smashed, mutilated, and dissected body... in the event you don't go back and find my fucking suitcase!" "Why don't we call Budget and ask them to deliver it?" "Deliver where?" "!" "You've crisscrossed California... more than the covered wagons did a hundred years ago!" "What are we going to tell them?" "Follow the burned pieces of directions on the freeway?" "All right." "We'll drive to the first town we see... and then we'll call Budget." "I guarantee you" "That was my best leather suitcase." "How long do you think it'll stand on the sidewalk?" "Somebody's gonna be eating a pepperoni pizza tonight... on my daughter's silver Tiffany tray." "Come back in the car." "If it's still there... they have new things today that'll get them to you fast... like, Federal Express, UPS, uh, fax." "You're going to fax my suitcase to me?" "I can wear a picture of my black wedding suit." "Take it easy." "And paper copies of $10,000 cash!" "Don't get physical with me!" "I'm too old to hit, but I can spit you to death." "I want to know one thing." "Why when you get around me you start to behave... like a goddamn, imbecilic... idiotic, totally moronic... shithead?" "OSCAR:" "Hey, wait!" "Hey, wait!" "Hey!" "Didn't you put the brakes on?" "Why?" "I didn't know you were going to punch it." "We better call Budget and have them fax us another car." "OSCAR:" "I think I know where we are." "FELIX:" "Oh, you do?" "Where?" "In a Clint Eastwood movie." "The Good, the Bad, and the Stupid, huh?" "You're not the only one who lost everything in his suitcase." "Oh, really?" "What did you lose?" "An old Mets t-shirt and a corned beef sandwich?" "No." "The most important thing in my life." "What's that?" "My return ticket to Sarasota, Florida." "Instead of complaining... why don't you look around for a telephone?" "What the hell makes you think there'd be a telephone out here?" "This is probably where they test those nuclear bombs." "They'd have to call somebody to find out if they went off." " Ai!" " Aah!" "I thought that was a snake." "They probably got poisonous spiders here." "Get outta here." "What are they gonna live on?" "You think they're waiting for 2 schmucks like us to show up?" "I gotta sit down." "Let's rest." "FELIX:" "Ohh..." "OSCAR:" "Ohh..." "Now, Oscar..." "we need to have a plan." " Agreed?" " Agreed." "What do you think the plan should be?" "I don't care." "I agreed." "I did my part." "We got to find a telephone and call Hannah's mother... and get her to send a car to pick us up." "You know the number?" "No, it was in my suitcase." "But we can call information." "In what town?" "San, uh..." "My daughter said-- Don't you remember?" "No." "I was playing poker." "I couldn't hear anything." "San Marino?" "No, it wasn't San Marino." "San Cantino?" " Not San Cantino." " No." " San Sereno?" " No, not San Sereno." " San Bandino." " San Patino." "San Farina." "Where you going, for crying out loud?" "San Farina!" "We could do this forever." "We need a phone book." "How many towns could sound like that?" "In California, all of them." "San Diego, San Jose, San Quentin." "San Mateo." "San Clemente." "Roberto Clemente." "FELIX:" "Sancho Pancho." "Pancho Gonzales." " San Jemimah." " San Jemimah?" "OSCAR:" "What do I know?" "Fernando Lamas." " Ricardo Montalban." " Ricky Ricardo." "OSCAR:" "San Bagawe." " Where's that?" " Near San Upyourano." "FELIX: "Los Pintos, Las Brisas, Los Pecos." Sound familiar?" "Yeah." "They're hotels in Acapulco." "Ha ha." "A car has to come from some direction." "You stand here, I'm gonna stand on the other side." "So we can catch the heavy traffic at 5:00 at Los Pecos." "You got a better idea, los idiot?" "You see anything yet?" "For a minute, I thought I saw Omar Sharif on a camel." "OSCAR:" "Hey!" "Come back!" "What was it?" "It just went by." "I hear something." "Do you hear it?" "With our luck, it's killer bees from Brazil." "FELIX: [Spits] What the" "What the hell was that?" "They purposely did it." "They hate New Yorkers." "Oh, my God...[Stammering]" "Who's going to pick us up now?" "We look like a couple of Pillsbury doughboys." "Let's get out of the sun before we start to rise." "[Felix chuckling]" "OSCAR:" "What's so funny?" "FELIX:" "I was just thinking if we ever get there... we could be the two figures on the wedding cake." "OSCAR:" "Hilarious." " Yeah." "What's that?" " Hey!" "Whoa!" "Get in front of it, Osc!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "MAN:" "Hey, amigos, where you going?" " San Redondo." " San Yolando." "Where?" "San Tamale." "San Taco Bell." "We'll go anyplace." "Well, hop in." "Andale." "Arriba." "Thank you very much." "You go ahead, Felix." "MAN:" "What you doing out here with no car?" "FELIX:" "That's a long story." "We're going to a wedding-- my daughter and his son." "MAN:" "Ay, qué bonito." "You must be pretty good friends." "Oh, hey, the best." "We need to find a telephone." "Can you do that for us?" "Teléfono?" "No hay problema." "No problem." "Gas station two miles from here." "I'll take you." "FELIX:" "That's very nice of you." "We'll be glad to pay you for it." "MAN:" "No." "You're compadres." "You're poor people like me." "This is my wedding gift for your children." "You hear that?" "It's a wedding gift for our children." "That's more than I'm gonna give them." "[Honking]" "[Shouting in Spanish]" "MAN:" "Un momentito." "[Speaking Spanish]" "FELIX:" "I hope nothing's wrong." "OSCAR:" "Yeah, I'd hate to break our lucky streak." "MAN:" "Compadres, very bad news." "These men, my cousins." "They say me mama very sick." "I have to go to her very pronto." "It's back where we just come from." "Back there?" "I go with them." "They drive very fast." "You take my truck to gas station, please." "Leave it there for me." "Rico, that's my name." "Are you sure, Rico?" "We'll be careful with it." "I know." "I trust you." "Look, if you get hungry, eat peaches." "Adios, compadres." "FELIX:" "I did pretty good, comprende?" "And this time I'm gonna drive, amigo." "Which I should have done in the first place, muchacho." "FELIX:" "Hey, why don't you use a handkerchief... so you don't get peach juice all over me, huh?" "OSCAR:" "Think we're pulling into the Pebble Beach Country Club?" "[Truck backfiring]" "FELIX:" "Come on, baby." "Don't give up now." "It's not gonna make it." "It's not in the cards." "We're riding a dead horse." "We're coming in for the funeral." "Why don't you stop being such a goddamn pessimist?" "I bet you we make this hill." " How much?" " That's it." "Come on." "Almost." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "Never count me out till the fat lady divorces me." "What the hell is that?" "OSCAR:" "I don't know." "Maybe they want free peaches." "OFFICER:" "All right." "Stop the truck." "FELIX:" "Are they talking to us?" "That's a lot of cops to give one ticket." "OFFICER:" "All right, step out of the vehicle." "Now." "OFFICER:" "Keep your hands where we can see them." "FELIX:" "Officers, there's some kind of mistake here." "We didn't steal the truck, and we didn't pick any peaches." "OFFICER:" "I said on the ground now!" "All right, cuff 'em." "You don't think this has anything to do with... me offering that kid money in the bathroom, do you?" "OFFICER:" "You're under arrest for violation... of California immigration law 14-0-7... the transportation of illegal aliens." "You have the right to remain silent..." "SECOND OFFICER:" "All right, you two jokers step forward." "[Felix chuckling]" "OSCAR:" "What's so amusing now?" "FELIX:" "Nothing." "I was just thinking of how... we're going to tell Hannah and Brucie... why we're 40 years late for their wedding." "Will you stop worrying?" "We'll get out of this." "Not without a lawyer we won't." "Have you got a lawyer?" "Yeah." "In Florida." "He's 92." "Takes him six hours to walk to the telephone." "The case'll be over." "We'll just tell them the truth." "Hey, there's our guy!" "FELIX: ¿Que pasa?" "And how is your dying mama, compadre?" "Mucho better, gracias." "Good." "I'll send her a crate of peaches." "Are you gonna tell them the truth or not, amigo?" "I told them the truth." "I said you picked me up on the road... you gave me a ride... then I saw my friends, and they took me home... and that's the truth, no?" "He's got a better story than ours." "I think we're in trouble." "OFFICER:" "Oscar Madison, Felix Unger." "Here we are." "We're present." "Right here." "OFFICER:" "Let's go." "OSCAR:" "Didn't I tell you?" "FELIX:" "If we go down, you go down with us." "OSCAR:" "What are you, Dirty Harry or something?" "You watch too much television." "SHERIFF:" "OK." "So, now tell me one more time... how the rented car caught fire and exploded." "He called me a shithead and punched the car." "It went rolling down the hill." "SHERIFF:" "Why did you punch the car?" "Because the shithead threw the directions out the window... and left my suitcase at the rent-a-car agency." "Why did you throw the directions out the window?" "Because they caught fire from my cigar ashes... and were burning on my crotch." "The first time he's been hot down there for years." "I just wanted to remind you of how it felt down there." "SHERIFF:" "OK, boys, calm down." "You two don't get along too well, do you?" "That's not true." "There was a wonderful 17-year period." "Then, unfortunately, we saw each other again." "And who did you say was getting married?" "My daughter and his son." "[Whispers]" "Well, these other officers and myself all agree... that if you can't find your way to your children's wedding... there isn't a chance in hell you could smuggle... twenty illegal aliens across the border." "Besides, we got a confession from the truck driver." "You're free to go." "FELIX:" "Ha ha!" "Thank you." "Appreciate it, Officer." "Come on, Oscar." "OSCAR:" "Wait a minute." "There's a matter of false arrest here." "I happen to have one of the finest legal minds... for an attorney in the state of Florida." " Get him out of here." " Come on, Oscar, let's go." "OSCAR:" "And he-- You may hear from him." "Let's go." "We still don't know how to get to the wedding." "SHERIFF:" "There's a girl outside on the computer." "Give her the family's name." "She'll run it down." "FELIX:" "Thank you very much." "We appreciate that." "Bye-bye." "[Telephone rings]" "WOMAN:" "Hello?" "Felix?" "Oh, we've been worried about you." "Well, unfortunately, we took a wrong turn... everywhere." "What'd you say the name of the town was again?" "San Malina." "FELIX:" "San Malina." "That's right!" "That's what I kept saying to Oscar." "Where are you?" "Well, we're in a little town called, uh..." "Santa Menendez." "I don't know how far it is from where you are." "About five hours." " Five hours?" " If you know the way." "Is there a hotel in this town?" "Right down the street." "The Santa Florita." "Felix, our new underwear has arrived." " Terrific." " Catch." "Oh, boy." "Caught that like a Major Leaguer." "Look at these shorts." "I look like a cocktail waitress at a crap game." "OSCAR:" "Yeah..." "I think if you wiggle your fanny right... you can make double-sixes." "Let's get something to drink." "[Song on jukebox] Just take those old records off the shelf." "I sit and listen to 'em by myself." "Today's music ain't got the same soul." "I like that old-time rock 'n' roll..." "Don't try to take me to a disco..." "FELIX:" "This doesn't look like our kind of crowd." "OSCAR:" "Anyone gets tough, show them your underwear." "BARTENDER:" "What'll it be, gents?" "FELIX:" "A dry martini on the rocks, please." "Martini?" "Yeah." " What about you?" " A double scotch for me." "[Whispers]" "Evening." "Hi." "It's beautiful weather, isn't it?" "Just terrific, honey." "Hmm." "Hmm, hmm, hmm?" "If you are thinking what I think you're thinking... forget it." "I'm not thinking." "I'm talking." "Don't." "This is my friend Felix over here." "They call me Oscar." "Hi, Felix." " Hi, Oscar." " Hi." "I'm Thelma." "You're not Louise, are you?" "Like I haven't been asked that about a million times." "I'm Holly." "Holly." "That's a very nice name, especially around Christmas." "That's cute." "So, are you staying here at the hotel?" "We're just passing through." "So are we." "Where you headed?" "Don't know yet." "Maybe Lake Tahoe, maybe Vegas." "Just lovers of the open road, eh?" "We're saving our money for Tahoe." "We got a van out back." "That couldn't be very comfortable, could it?" "Now, Oscar, if I didn't know better..." "I'd say a nice old grandfather like you... was trying to hit on a couple of ladies." "I'm not as old as I look." "I had this plastic surgery done recently... and the quack doctor botched it up." "[Laughs]" "Your friend doesn't say much, does he?" "He's the doctor who botched it up." "[Thelma laughs]" "You OK, Doc?" "FELIX:" "I think I put your mouth in the wrong place." "ALL:" "Oh." "Ooh." "He's still upset because they took his license away." "[Laughs]" "Excuse me." "We're closing the kitchen... in about half an hour if you still want dinner." "Excuse me, ladies." "We haven't eaten all day." "Oscar, come on." "Felix, where are your manners, Felix?" "Perhaps the ladies would like to join us... before they retire to their van." "HOLLY:" "Yeah, sure, OK." "We'll meet you at the table... after we freshen up." "FELIX:" "Are you crazy?" "Two middle-aged bikers." "They're tougher than the guys we just left in jail." "And have you ever stopped to think of what we could get?" "OSCAR:" "Lucky is the only word that comes to mind." "Come on." "I'm not going to let you do this." "Oh, Felix, I know it's not going to happen." "They'd never even come up to our room... and it would take two years to climb into their van... and the last thing I want them to see is our underwear." "FELIX:" "Then what are you doing this for?" "OSCAR:" "To be wanted." "To get close to it happening one more time." "The wick is almost out, Felix." "All I want is for the candle to glow... rather than curse the darkness." "It's not going out, Oscar... not yours and not mine... but I still have hope that out there somewhere... we'll find the right lamplighter." "You know, we just used so many metaphors..." "I forgot what the hell we were talking about." "BEAUMONT:" "Good evening." " Good evening." " Evening, sir." "BEAUMONT:" "You gentlemen here for the seminar?" "What seminar would that be, sir?" "Life--does it really have to end?" "Dr. John Boxer." "I'm 84 myself." "Dr. Boxer sees no reason why I shouldn't be around... to celebrate the year 2020." "Maybe longer." "Seminar ends tomorrow... but I have to get back to my home in San Malina... to celebrate my daughter's 63rd birthday." "OSCAR:" "San Malina?" "That's where we're going." "Well, fancy that." "You gentlemen need a lift?" "They tell us it's a five-hour drive." "You come with me." "I'll have you there in less than two hours." "We leave at six A.M. on the dot." " Six A.M.?" " Sounds great to me." "That's a little early for me." "You'll never live a long life sleeping late." "I may have some business tonight... with friends from Lake Tahoe." "THELMA:" "Can you believe they closed the bar already?" "Well, don't worry, honey." "I stay open all night." "[Laughs]" "I like a quiet man." "Talking always slows things up." "Well, uh..." "perhaps I was wrong." "Uh..." "Six A.M. would be rather early for men like you." "Ladies." "Good night." "Bye." "You go to Tahoe." "I'm getting out of here." "Felix!" "Felix!" "THELMA:" "Oscar, what are two wide-awake girls... going to do with one hunky, funny guy?" "Why don't we all write a suggestion... on a piece of paper?" "[Both laugh]" "I wish your cute Boy Scout friend would come back." "I'm just itching to dance." "I'll go get him." "Don't scratch yet." "Thank you, sir." "I'll see you at six." " Ah, that's fine." " Thanks again." "OSCAR:" "I'm coming with you." "Just do me one favor." "Come inside and dance for me." "Why would I want to dance for you?" "Because I'm hunky, and the other one is itchy." " Oh, my God." " Please, just dance." "You can call the shots the rest of the way." " Uh..." " Please, Felix." "Please." "[Song on jukebox] I spent $48..." "THELMA:" "You're a very smooth dancer, Oscar." "What's your secret?" "Leather soles." "Can't we get closer?" "I went to high school with a boy like you." "FELIX: [Muffled] Who was he, the principal?" "What are you, divorced or single or what?" "Something like that." "JUKEBOX:" "If I don't get some sleep..." "THELMA:" "You have very strong hands." "You work out?" "OSCAR:" "No, but my door at home gets stuck a lot." "[Thelma laughs]" "HOLLY:" "You having fun?" "FELIX:" "Oh, yeah." "I think I'm stuck to your Velcro." "JUKEBOX:" "I like it, I love it..." "I want some more of it." "[Telephone rings]" "JUKEBOX:" "My mama and daddy tried to teach me..." "BARTENDER:" "Someone wants to know... if there's a Thelma and Holly here." "THELMA:" "What does he sound like?" "Drunk and real mad." "THELMA:" "Got to go, hon." "OSCAR:" "Now?" "We just met." "THELMA:" "I know." "We'll always have Santa Menendez." "HOLLY:" "You never met me." "You never saw me." "You never danced with me." "OK, are you satisfied?" "Satisfied is not how I would describe it." "JUKEBOX:" "I love it..." "I want some more of it..." "I try so hard..." "FELIX:" "Remember what we agreed on earlier." " What?" " I call the shots." " Oh, yeah, right." " Ready for lights out?" "Yeah, ready." "Oscar, Oscar!" " Aah!" " Aah!" "Where are we?" " Where are we?" " Yeah." "We're in a hotel." "I know we're in a hotel, but where is the hotel?" "In California, one of them "Santa" places." "Oh, God, I woke up, I was lost, and I got scared." "Did you ever do that, wake up and get scared?" "Yeah." "When I wake up, and I see you staring at me." "I'm glad you're here, Osc... 'cause I don't mind being alone, but not in strange places." "Yeah." "I guess it's part of getting old." "You want to know how not to feel old?" "How?" "You hang around with people who are older than you." "Ha." "Thanks, Osc." "You're welcome." "Get some sleep, will you, Felix?" "Everything is gonna be all right." "[Honk honk]" "FELIX:" "Hey, how about this?" "FELIX:" "How about that?" "OSCAR:" "Probably gets two blocks to the gallon." "OSCAR:" "Hello, sir." "Glad to see you both could make it." "Climb in, boys." "Thank you very much." "You certainly are prompt." "BEAUMONT:" "There are only four of these left in the country... and I own 'em all." "You're a collector?" "No, I use the other three for parts." "Well, hang on to your hats, boys." "[Glenn Miller playing "In The Mood"]" "Is this as fast as it goes?" "Takes a few minutes to warm up... and then we can ride like the wind." "OSCAR:" "It's been a half hour, and the wind is faster than us." "BEAUMONT:" "Actually, we're doing 85 right now." "FELIX:" "I think that's your clock." "It says 8:25." "BEAUMONT:" "Don't mind that." "It always breaks down." "FELIX:" "Tell me." "No offense, but do you really think... that we can make San Malina in two hours?" " Who said that?" " You did last night." "No, no, no." "I think you misunderstood me." "I meant I could make this 5-hour trip seem like two hours." "Take in the scenery, relax, enjoy being alive and well." "Doing that, I made it back once in an hour and 20." "Hmm." "[Oscar groans]" "[Yawns]" "Excuse me." "The scent of the trees and the flowers intoxicates me." "If you're intoxicated, I'll be the designated driver." "No, no, I'm fine." "Why are we stopping here?" "FELIX:" "Hello." "Are you all right?" "Jeez, I--[Laughs]" "I think he's asleep." "Why?" "When was he awake?" "All right, move him aside." "I'll drive." "Move him-- What are you waiting for?" "He'll wake up, and the snails will start passing us." "Oh, he won't wake up, Osc, he's dead." "Dead?" "How can you tell?" "No heartbeat and no pulse means dead." "I've seen that in the hospital." "Seen what?" "You read books and tell jokes." "What the hell do you want me to do, an autopsy?" "I'm telling you, the man is dead!" "At least he went quickly." "You call 12 miles an hour quickly?" "Oh, my God." "Pull his head back in before a bird sits on it." "Ohh!" "Jeez." "I knew it." "I strained my neck." "It always happens." "You mean whenever you try to pull a dead body back in?" "Oscar, get out of the car and push his head back in." "I can't move." "OSCAR:" "Ahh!" "Hey." "This guy is starting to decompose already." "His hairpiece blew off." "Go get it." "He's dead." "Who does he got to look good for?" "Out of respect." "Maybe his family never knew." "Now just go get it." "Keep an eye on him." "[Caw caw]" "[Caw]" " Felix." " Huh?" "It's not a hairpiece anymore." "Now it's a nest." "Well, shoo him away." "Shoo!" "[Caw]" "Shoo, shoo!" "Shoo, shoo, shoo!" "Ay." "[Truck horn honks]" "Hey, where did he go?" "He's on my lap." "On your lap?" "That's not a good position, because it looks like" "I know what it looks like." "Help me pull him up." "All right, easy, easy." "[Gunshot]" "What the hell was that?" "It sounded like a gunshot." "Maybe it's hunting season." "What kind of animals would they have around here?" "[Gunshot]" "Wow." "Do you believe this?" "Get out and get that." "You know, in the last three minutes..." "I've walked more than we've driven today." "[Horn honks]" "OSCAR:" "Are you crazy?" "FELIX:" "I didn't do it, he did." "OSCAR:" "Check his pulse again." "Here, you take it." "I don't want it." "Put it on his head." "OSCAR:" "Aww." "What are you doing?" "I gotta get his name and address, don't I... so I can tell his relatives." "OSCAR:" "This should be very interesting." "You can't stop in the road." "Pull the vehicle over, please." "FELIX:" "In order to do that, we'd have to move the driver... and as you can see, he's..." " Is he sick?" " No." "Is he drunk?" "No." "Try dead." "How'd this happen?" "We don't know." "We think that God just came down and took him." "I'm gonna have to ask you two to step out of the vehicle." "So, the man is dead, and you have his wallet... riding in an antique car worth over $150,000?" "How do you think this looks?" "OSCAR:" "To you, it looks terrible." "To my mother, she wouldn't be all that upset." "FELIX:" "We didn't kill him, and we didn't rob him." "You believed us before." "Why don't you believe us now?" "Because I didn't expect you to keep bouncing... back in here like a beach ball." "And why did you take his toupee?" "We didn't." "A truck whizzed by and blew it off." "Huh?" "Yeah." "I tried to get it back." "A bird sat on it." "I shooed him, and he flew away with the hairpiece." "You shot him?" "You had a gun?" "No, not shot him." "I shooed him." "Shoo, shoo!" "Then a hunter shot him... and the bird fell down on the car... and the hairpiece fell on the windshield." "I hope there's not gonna be a trial... 'cause I'd hate to repeat that story in court." "OK." "The examination reveals he died of natural causes... and his daughter just informed us... that he called last night... and said he was gonna give a lift home... to two nice young men he met at the hotel." "FELIX:" "Ahh." "So once again, you're out of here... but if I see you back here under arrest..." "I will charge you both with disturbing the law." "FELIX:" "You mean disturbing the peace, don't you?" "SHERIFF:" "No, it's only the law you're disturbing." "There's a bus that leaves here in about 20 minutes." "They make a quick stopover in San Malina." "Be on it, get off it, and stay out of my face." " Yes." " Thank you very much." "Good." "[Laughs]" "Oscar..." "I'm going to say something now that's going to surprise you." "Why do you have to introduce everything you're gonna say?" "It's either, "Oscar, let me tell you something."" "Or, "You may not like this, but I'm gonna say it anyway."" "Why don't you just say it and get it over with?" "Then I can get back to my racing form... and you can start thinking of the next thing you'll say." "What is it?" "I actually had a good time on this trip." " You did?" " Yes." " As much as World War II?" " No, I mean it." "Sure, it was dirty and scary and ugly and expensive... but I met a lot of people I never would have met before." "I got out of the house, had an adventure." "You know, there's more to life... than a job, dinner alone, and a TV show." "Do you know I feel younger now than I have in years?" "Why didn't you say this last night... when we could have used it?" "[Snoring]" "Aah!" "Oscar!" "Felix." " Thelma?" " Hetty?" "Holly." "Gee, it's nice to see you girls again." "Wow." "What happened to your van?" "We had to dump it." "We were being chased." "By the police?" "Worse." "Our husbands." " Your husbands?" " Yeah." "We just walked." "You never said you were married." "We went to the bank, we took out half our money... and we just hit the road." "Won't these guys be pretty sore when they catch up to you?" "THELMA:" "Ha, fit to kill!" "Especially since they found out... we were at the hotel with two men last night." " You were?" " They mean us, schmuck." "Us?" "!" "What the..." "All right, open up!" "Damn, wouldn't you know it?" "They tracked our perfume." "All right, you stay put." "There ain't gonna be no trouble." "Sit tight, people." " Oscar." " Yeah?" "I really have to pee." "Thelma, the fun's over, baby." "Time to come home." "THELMA:" "Home?" "That shack with the whiskey bottles... and the bacon strips on the floor?" "Remember, we don't know them." "We've never even seen them." "What did you say?" "I honestly can't remember." " That's them, isn't it?" " Mm-hmm." "Bartender at the hotel described them." "A couple of martini drinkers." "Go." "Come on, honey." "Don't want to disturb the nice people on this bus." "That's OK." "I wasn't talking to you, Martini." "Uh-huh." "Come on, baby." "I got some cold beer... just waiting for you in the car." "Come on, boys, let's go." "Don't want to miss the party." "Well, you see, we have to go to a wedding." "A wedding of our-- but thank you all the same." "You just don't get it, do you?" "You are the party." "[Loud music playing]" "HOLLY:" "Aah!" "ELVIS PRESLEY ON RADIO:" "Little sister, don't you..." "Little sister, don't you..." "Little sister... don't you kiss me once or twice... and say it's very nice..." "FELIX:" "We just had an innocent drink... and an innocent couple of dances." "It was all very innocent." "OSCAR:" "Get off the innocent thing, will you?" "FELIX:" "Why would a couple of beautiful girls like this... run off with a couple of old geezers like us?" "Well, when the goose wants it, the geese come running." "We're not geese, geezers." "We're geezers, not geese." "Hey, Leroy." "Where you want to stop?" "Just over this hill is a nice stretch of woods." "That'll do fine." "Do fine for what?" "JAYJAY:" "Cook us up a couple of fine geezers." "HOLLY:" "Ha!" "That's funny." "I'm sorry, fellas, but that just struck me as funny." "Goddamn it to hell!" "Damn it!" "Don't worry about it." "I know all of them personally." "FELIX:" "Don't you even want to talk about it?" "No." "FELIX:" "Ever?" "What's the point?" "No matter what I say, you two still end up in here." "OSCAR:" "Would it be possible to find out the results... of the second race at Santa Anita?" "I got a trifecta going." " A what?" " A trifecta." "That's where you pick the three winning horses... in the exact order of finish." "FELIX:" "We have a wedding that we cannot get to... and all he's got on his mind is a trifecta." " I'll tell you who won." " You know?" "Yes." "I won." "You're my trifecta." "The same two men have been arrested three times... for three different crimes, and all three times by my men." "You know what the odds are of that happening... at any police station in the world?" "OSCAR:" "I would say roughly twelve million to one." "SHERIFF:" "And what would it be... if it happened in a small sheriff's office... in a little town called Santa Menendez, California?" "It would be in the trillions." "No bookie would handle it." "Oscar, of all of the differences we ever had... of all of the fights that we've ever had... of all those petty arguments" "OSCAR:" "We can continue talking... 'cause he's gonna be on this for a half hour." "FELIX:" "Of all of the times..." "I've wanted to choke you by the throat, this is the worst." "If you say trifecta one more time..." "I'm going to choke you until you are dead!" "And then that man can arrest me one more time... for one more crime one more time in his office... and he's gonna have a fourfecta!" "So you shut the fuck up, do you hear me?" "!" "OSCAR:" "I think you can get a fourfecta in Cuba... but it's a cigar." " Let go of him!" " Sit down, sir!" "Sit down!" "Now!" "Both of you... since the ladies already gave me a statement... that you two had nothing to do with the abduction..." "I have no reason to hold you." "I'm running for sheriff next year." "I can't run on a campaign of mostly arresting you two." "I wouldn't advise it, sir." "If I promise to get you to San Malina... in time for the wedding, I need your guarantee... that you will never come within 100 miles of this town." "No, no, 200." "Make it three." "Since it's the first time in 74 years that I've been here... the odds against me coming back" "FELIX:" "Don't finish that sentence, Oscar." "All right." "Let's go." "FELIX:" "The wedding's at 5:00." "How are you gonna get us there in time?" "SHERIFF:" "Just leave that to me." "OSCAR:" "I wish you had subways." "I never get lost on subways." "HOLLY:" "I'll wait for you." "FELIX:" "They made up?" "SHERIFF:" "Yeah." "The boys will spend a month in jail... for using firearms on a public vehicle." " They always get a month." " "Always"?" "It's the fifth time they've done this." " The fifth time?" " That's a fivefecta." "There's an airport about five miles from here." "You can't land in San Malina, but there's one in Rockport... and it's about a 20-minute cab drive." "FELIX:" "Rockport." "That's a name I could have remembered." "SHERIFF:" "The flight will take about 40 minutes... and we'll have this car drop you off at the airport." "A police car." "Finally, a ride I can feel safe in." "SHERIFF:" "I hope you won't be offended by my saying..." "I hope to God I never see either of you again." "Now get out of here." "If you'd like an endorsement for your campaign" "SHERIFF:" "No, thank you." "Andy, if those guys commit a triple murder... or rob a bank... just let 'em go." "Felix, if some travel agent booked this trip... we could have sued him for a fortune." "Everything happens for a reason, Oscar." "We're not going through all this for nothing." "I have a feeling there's some divine payoff at the end." "OSCAR:" "You want to buy my half?" "I'll sell it real cheap." "FELIX:" "Here we are, pal." "We're gonna actually make it." "WOMAN:" "Oscar?" "Is that you?" "It is you." " Who's that?" " I don't know." "WOMAN:" "I'm Felice Adams, Blanche's sister." "OSCAR:" "Felice." "Oh, my God, I didn't recognize you." "You haven't changed in 30 years." "FELICE:" "Oh, thank you." "I guess we're both going to the wedding, aren't we?" "Yeah." "Are you here with your husband Larry?" "No, Barry." "He passed away four years ago." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "You had two little daughters, didn't you?" "Now two little granddaughters." "Isn't that something?" "What?" "Oh, it's my friend Felix Unger." "This is Felice." "She's the sister of my ex-wife." "How do you do?" " Felix Unger?" " Yeah." "I remember Blanche talking about you a lot." "Oh, well, I've changed since then." " Haven't we all?" " Yeah." "P.A.:" "Flight 27." "Oh, they're boarding." "Well, see you on the plane." "Oscar, we have to talk." "About what?" "On the plane." "FELIX:" "Have a good flight." "FELICE:" "Thank you." "You, too." "Thank you." "OK." "You want to talk, talk." "Wait till the seat belt sign is off." "You can't talk with your seat belt on?" "What is that, a new federal law?" "When it's on, it can get bumpy." "I don't want anything interrupting... what I'm going to say." "Whew." "[Ding]" "It's safe." "We're bumpless." "What have you got to say?" "That's her." "That's the woman." "What woman?" "The "somewhere, someplace in this world..." ""there is the right woman for me" woman." "Felice?" "Even the name is right." "Felice, Felix." "The first three letters are identical." "We're matched." "It's like an omen." "I'm telling you, Oscar, this is the one." "That's wonderful, Felix." "Who's gonna tell her you're the one?" "Me." "I'll tell her." "With the "somewhere, someplace in this world" speech?" "Give me some credit, will you?" "I've done this ten or twelve times already, you know." "You just have to help me figure out a reason... why I should get up and go sit next to her." "How about, uh..." "I don't know." "How about your seat is broken?" "No, 'cause I'm a bad liar." "She'll know I'm lying." "How about if I break your seat?" "Wait, no, forget it." "Wish me luck." "Are you gonna tell me what the plan is?" "Just watch me, baby." "Move your legs." "Good day for flying, isn't it?" "Yes." "Perfect weather." "Exactly." "Yeah." "Some plan." "Aah!" "If you...you chicken-hearted, gutless wimp... if you don't go back and sit next to that woman... you and I are through." "Do you hear?" "Now..." "[Whispering]" "[Fastens seat belt]" "Have a nice chat, old buddy, pal... dear close friend of mine?" "Will you relax?" "I just set it all up for you." "Go on back there and sit down." "What did you say to her?" "I told her you were writing an article... for the New York Sunday Times... about widowed women and womanless men... and that you would like to ask her a few questions." "She said absolutely." "What the hell did you tell her that for?" "'Cause it's better than you going into the john... and banging on the walls again." "Are you going, or do I have to get a food trolley... and wheel you over there?" "I'm going, I'm going." "Good." "May I?" "Please do." "Oh, thank you." "First, I must explain... about this article that I'm writing." "What article?" "The one that Oscar told you I was writing... for the New York Sunday Times." "He never told me that." "He never t--he..." "What was he saying to you?" "That you wanted to meet me and couldn't think... of a good reason to sit down next to me." "I said, "Tell him to come over." ""I'd like to meet him as well."" "Oh, yeah?" "PILOT:" "Ladies and gentlemen, we should be arriving... at Rockport's Barbra Streisand Airport... in about 20 minutes." "FELIX:" "So, how long has your late husband been deceased?" "Almost four years now." "He was playing tennis, had a heart attack... was gone like that." "My last wife went very quickly, too." "We seem to have a lot in common, don't we, Felix?" "I just realized." "We practically have the same name." "Felix, Felice-- same first three letters." " Yeah." " That occur to you?" "No, but now that you mention it..." "OSCAR:" "And the both of you don't wear glasses." "That's uncanny." "Ah." "Here we are." "We're here." "I swear to you, this is it." "What a place." "Right this way, sir." "His car is here." "I--Oh." "Oh, Oscar, thank God you're here." "Hello, Felix." "Oh, what a mess." "Well, what is it?" "What's wrong?" "I can't say it." "Blanche, you tell him." "It's Brucie." "He's gone." "Gone?" "Gone where?" " He disappeared." " We can't find him." "He wasn't in his room." "We even called the police." "All right, all right, calm down." "Don't cry." "It's bad luck to cry before a wedding." "No." "It's only bad luck... if the groom isn't here before the wedding." "Didn't he leave a message?" "Nothing." "Not a clue." "He'll show up." "My kid never ducked anything." "[Sobs]" "How's Hannah?" "Can I see my daughter, please?" "She's upstairs getting dressed." "I haven't told her." "What do you mean, you haven't told her yet?" "Why the hell not?" "What are you waiting for... the fifth anniversary of her being alone?" "Don't yell at me!" "I'm not yelling at you!" "I'm yelling at the situation!" "God, you haven't changed in 30 years, have you?" "I don't believe this woman!" "I haven't seen her for a half a century--50 years-- and she's still trying to finish the last fight we had!" "All right, everybody, stop behaving like children!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "We tried to put this wedding together in three days... while you take a casual joyride in getting here!" "BOTH:" "A casual joyride?" "It's always the woman's fault, right?" "Right?" "Blanche, stop pointing your finger and yelling at me." "You got two other husbands here to do that with." "Come on, Felix." "I want to talk to you." "BLANCHE: [Sobs] Oh, Frances!" "FELIX:" "How about that Frances?" "I would love to divorce her again, I swear." "What do you think happened to Brucie?" " I don't know." " What did you call me out for?" "I thought maybe you'd have an idea." "If I had an idea, I'd have called you out." "So what do we do?" "Well, we wait and see." "Worse comes to worse, we postpone the wedding." "What do you--postpone?" "I'm not going to have my daughter humiliated... in front of the world because of your ditzy son." "Hey, watch what you say about my son." "Maybe your Hannah is the wacky one." "Hannah, wacky?" "My Hannah, wacky?" "Will you stop repeating that?" "Sounds like a Hawaiian hotel." "One of them caused this, and I don't know which one." "And I'm saying that if he breaks her heart... that boy is going to have to deal with me." "Are you threatening to get physical with my son?" "If that's what it takes, yes!" "Get your nose off my nose... before I sneeze your brains into a tiny Kleenex." "That's it, Oscar." "That's it!" "BLANCHE:" "They found him!" "They found him!" "They found him." "Oscar, they found him." "Where?" "Where?" "[Helicopter]" "Where, for God's sake?" "Do you need assistance?" "[All talking at once]" "That one right at the end of the hall." "MAN:" "He's not going anywhere." "He's not going anywhere." "All right!" "Everybody, please!" "Please, back off!" "He's not on the roof... because he's anxious to speak to everyone." "I'll go alone." "How will we know what's going on?" "I'll tell him to talk loud." "Oh, Brucie." "Hi." "Beautiful day, isn't it?" "Hiya, Pop." "I hope you don't think I'm meddling... but were you planning on coming to the wedding today?" "[Sighs] I was thinking about it." "You're nervous, huh?" "I was thinking I'd be making a big mistake." "Oh, yeah?" "Why is that?" "I don't trust marriage." "I mean, if you look at everyone here" "I mean, look at my own family." "Mom was married three times." "You were married one time and never again for 30 years." "Hers were too many, yours were not enough." "So, tell me, what is wrong with it... that frightens everyone so much?" "I don't know, Brucie." "It's like baseball." "Either you can play, or you can't play." "Your mother could play." "I couldn't play." "The trouble is your mother kept getting traded all the time." "That was not the answer I was looking for." "Well, then, why did you wait so long to ask the question?" "Because it's what I thought I wanted." "Now I--I know that it's not what I want." "You sure?" "I'm sure." "Then get out of it." "Don't do it, Brucie." "You mean it?" "Let me go talk to the others." "I'll figure something out to say." "Pop?" "Dad?" "The thing is..." "I really love her." "Sure you love her...now." "You'll have two exciting years and 45 years of hell." " No." " Trust me, Brucie." "No." "I will always love her." "She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, Pop." "Would you be willing to gamble your life on that?" "I know I haven't been there enough for you, Brucie... but this is the best advice I'll ever give you." "Not getting married today is the right thing for you to do." "Maybe it's right for you." "It's wrong for me, OK?" "You go tell everybody I'm getting dressed." "Thank God you said that." "I didn't know how long..." "I could keep on talking like an asshole." "Thanks, Pop." "Hey, see you downstairs." "[Knock on door]" "Go away." "We're not ready yet." "FELIX:" "Not even for your old man?" "Dad?" "Maria, let him in." "[Speaking Spanish]" "Uh-oh." "Hello." "OK." "I come back soon... but you a-smudge her dress, and I kill you, OK?" "Oh, my dear God..." "I've just seen heaven, and it's in living color." "Do you like it?" "Can I hug you?" "Yes, you better." "I would've postponed if you didn't make it." "Oh." "[Sighs] So, have you seen Bruce?" " Isn't he terrific?" " Oh, boy." "So, was it a terrible trip?" "Well, if you asked me that four hours ago..." "I would've said the pits, but something happened on the plane." "Suddenly, everything's coming up roses." " You met someone?" " I'll tell you later." " No, say." " I don't want to keep you." "As a matter of fact, I can't keep you any longer." "[Knock on door] I'll get it." "I hope you don't mind me giving you away dressed like this." "You look great to me." "Mr. Unger, this just came for you." "Oh, thank you." "On second thought, maybe I'll spiff it up a little." "OK." "[Kisses]" "He's very sweet." "He's my daddy." "MINISTER:" "And with the power vested in me... by the state of California..." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Isn't this terrific?" "[Applause]" "Oh, Pop." "Hey, Brucie, baby." "Atta--what a putzie." "Mmm, Dad." "Mmm." "Don't cry." "Sweetheart, good luck to you." "Take care of my boy, will you?" "HANNAH:" "I promise." "He needs a lot of cereal in the morning." "Congratulations, Blanche." "[Sneezes]" "Are you still allergic to my perfume?" "No, that's gone." "It's just, uh..." "It triggered an old memory in my sinuses." "[Laughs]" "Excuse me." "Isn't she incredible, Pop?" "Yeah." "She's very beautiful." "Listen, Brucie..." "I want you to take these for you and Hannah." "No, Pop." "I know you're strapped for cash." "Just the gesture--that's enough for Hannah and me." "What I have here is not cash." "Please, take it." "Thanks." "Baseball cards." "You knew I always used to save these." "Not those." "I've had these since before you were born." "These are first editions" "Mickey Mantle in his rookie year..." "George Herman Ruth, sometimes known has Babe Ruth." "Today, that's worth $22,000." "No way, Pop." "I can't take these." "Come on." "Hold them until your kids are 18." "Maybe it'll buy them a week or two in college." " You're the greatest, Pop." " Thank you." "Ah..." "Well, I'm getting tired." "Come on." "Walk me in." "There's no chance of you moving out here?" "To where?" "Santa Jocinta?" "Melinta?" "Caliente?" "Malagueña?" "I'm not going to learn a new language... just to find my way home at night." "[Singing] I don't get around much anymore." "Boy, it feels good to be in clean pajamas again, huh?" "My God, was that a wedding?" "Ha ha!" "I am so glad the kids loved the silver tray." "You know, Osc, you never told me what you gave them." "Not that it's any of my damn business." "Felix, tomorrow night, I'll be sleeping in my own bed." "It's not a great bed, but I love it... because it never talks during the night." "Oh, I'm sorry, Osc." "It's just, you know, it may be another 17 years... before we see each other again." "That's a date." "Let me tell you" "Felix, please!" "We got to be on that airport bus at nine A.M." "I gotta get some sleep." "I forgot to tell you." "No bus." "Lise has hired a limo to take us to the airport." "Who's Lise?" "Felice." "I started calling her Lise." "She call you "Lix"?" "Another thing." "I'm not going back to New York." "I'm going to spend some time up in San Fran." "San Fran?" "Lix and Lise in San Fran?" "What the hell's going on?" "Who knows?" "I may spend just a few days... or I may spend the rest of my life." "We really hit it off." "I've heard you say that before." "This may be the last time you hear me say that." "I hope so." "I really do." "Boy, am I exhausted." "OSCAR:" "G.n." "FELIX:" "G.n.?" "OSCAR:" "Good night." "OSCAR:" "Gate 46." "Where is that?" "FELICE:" "That's down at that end." "We're at the other end." "FELIX:" "Oh." "Felix, I'll change your ticket." "Give you and Oscar a chance to say good-bye." "FELIX:" "What?" "Oh, yeah." "Thanks." "Bye, Oscar." "Have a wonderful flight." "You too, Lise." "FELIX:" "I'll be right there." "She's very nice." "Yeah." "Hey. [Chuckles]" "Looks like she's got a lot of dogs." "You're going to be walking a lot of dogs." "You think I'm making a mistake?" "I don't give out that advice twice on the same weekend." "This could be my last chance, you know?" "I really want to give It a good try." "I wish you the best, Felix." "You do?" "Of course, my best doesn't always mean much." "It does to me, Oscar." "OK, Felix." "Felix, that's enough." "Felix, stop it." "She's gonna think we had something going." "OSCAR:" "Here we go." "Who gets the bagel with the tofu cream cheese?" "MILLIE:" "That's mine." "Millie, here we go." "Thank you, darling." "You're welcome." "And I have here... a soybean facsimile corned beef sandwich." "ABE:" "That's me." "Thanks." "Are you in this game, Oscar?" "Can a duck swim?" "For 20 cents, I'm in." "You didn't look at your cards." "At these prices, I'll take the plunge." "This cheesecake is hard as a rock." "OSCAR:" "That's the wax model they keep in the window." "If you like the way it looks, I'll order it." "Tell us about the wedding." "What did they serve?" "Veal Alphonso." "How do they make that?" "A guy name of Alphonso comes in early" "[Doorbell rings]" "I'll get it." "That's the pizza I ordered." "FLOSSIE:" "For tonight?" "No, from before the wedding." "I forgot to cancel it." "Coming." "Coming." "Hiya, Osc." "I--I was in the neighborhood... so I just thought I'd drop in." "What a surprise." "Is Felice with you?" "No." "It didn't work out." "That woman left her clothes lying all over the floor." "She was always running out of towels... and bobby pins in the bed." "Now, come on, I could not hack that." "Am I disturbing you?" "No." "Come on in, Felix." "[Loud chatter]" "Girls, this is the father of the bride... my friend Felix Unger." "These are my poker-playing buddies." "FELIX:" "I hope I'm not interrupting the game." "No." "My goodness, not at all." "WANDA:" "It's a distinct pleasure to meet you." "I can't see him." "Is he cute?" "Girls, would you excuse us for a minute?" "I have to speak to Felix." "Please excuse us." "Can I have a word with you?" "ABE:" "Can you believe it?" "We'll never play." "Felix... what's with the suitcases?" "Oh, I gave up my apartment in New York." "To live in Sarasota?" "They got hospitals in Sarasota, too." "Are you planning to move in with me again?" "Because you know it didn't work out the last time." "No." "This is just until I find my own place." "Of course, we could save money by splitting expenses." "Nothing has changed, I'm still a pig." "You're still a human vacuum cleaner." "I know, so if you don't think it'll work just say no." "No." "OK." "So I'll go." "I didn't say go, I said no." "All right." "Give it a try for a few weeks." "But the minute you start matching up my socks... we call it quits." "It's a deal." "You go back to your game." "I'm just going to hang up a few things." "MILLIE:" "He looks so sweet." "FLOSSIE:" "If he's looking, I've got a spare bedroom." "OSCAR:" "Yeah." "Ladies, it's possible that in five weeks... you'll all be moving out of Sarasota, Florida." "Whose bet is it?" " Not mine." " Not mine." "Don't mind me, folks." "I was just" "Excuse me." "Is this yours here?" " Oh, thank you." " That's all right." "Boy, that sandwich is looking a little limp." "I could retoast that for you in a second." " Really?" " Oh, yeah." " I wouldn't mind." " No problem at all." "ABE:" "Thank you." "This is the biggest goddamnedest déjà vu anybody has ever had!" "Can we play cards here, please, for crying out loud?" "[Loud chatter]"