"( theme song playing )" "Just for the sake of an example, let's take a man like Commandant Klink." "You take him, Schultz, huh?" "We're busy." "In my opinion, Commandant Klink would not be so hard to get along with... ( lowers voice ):" "Would not be so hard to get along with if he would be married." "Who'd marry him?" "Ah... that's another problem." "But the point that I am making is that 99% of all the trouble in the world is being made by men who are not married." "Right or wrong?" "Absolutely right, Schultz, glad you could stop by, always glad to talk to a really fine brain." "Now..." "Now, wait..." "Schultz!" "Wait a minute." "I'm just beginning." "Now, let's take another example..." "Hitler." "No, let's go back to Commandant Klink." "SCHULTZ:" "He has definitely too much time on his hands." "Therefore, it's my considered opinion..." "Schultz, I've done everything else," "I'm going to be honest with you-- we're expecting company." "Company?" "A woman." "Now, if you don't mind." "A woman?" "Oh... ( chuckles )" "Very funny joke." "He's expecting a woman." "( tapping on pipes )" "What was that?" "I just told you." "Ah... there is something going on here." "Colonel Hogan, I'm warning you," "I'm going to get to the bottom of this!" "Warn us?" "You can't afford to get into trouble, Schultz, you're a married man." "You're right!" "I see nothing!" "Nothing!" "Nothing!" "Colonel Hogan?" "Fraulein Erika Weidler." "I've heard of you." "Hi." "You got something for us?" "Something that must be got out of Germany without the slightest chance of it falling into wrong hands." "Can you do it?" "Without even thinking about it." "What is it?" "A list... of the men who plan to kill Hitler." "I may want to give that some thought." "Danke." "Where's the list?" "In your head, I suppose." "Right." "Why can't you take it to England yourself?" "That would be far too dangerous for my contacts." "If I were to disappear, they would be investigated." "Right." "CARTER:" "Why's the list so important?" "I mean, if they kill him, they kill him." "Why should we care who does it?" "Because if and when it happens, they'll sue for peace." "We want to make sure we're dealing with the right people." "Colonel?" "I could take it out" "I know the woods blindfolded." "I know you do, LeBeau, and 99 times out of 100 you could make it." "But it's that one chance we can't risk, not with this." "Send it by code." "No... if they intercept, they could break the code." "CARTER:" "Hey, if we could steal a buzz bomb-- someplace-- and then build us a launcher-- somewhere-- and then, whoosh!" "Why not just let Commandant Klink carry it out himself?" "I take it that's intended as sarcasm." "Now, hold it, hold it." "He's got something." "NEWKIRK:" "What did I say?" "You're going to have to check in to the inn at Hammelburg." "Do have any clothes with you?" "Not a thing." "All right, we'll give you money for a wardrobe." "Anything that doesn't fit can be altered here." "With pleasure." "Kinch, I want you to make up a dummy paper." "I want you to put Klink's picture on page three of a Berlin newspaper:" ""Outstanding Record Compiled by Stalag 13 Commandant,"" "some such garbage as that." "KINCH:" "Got you." "Newkirk?" "Sir?" "I want you to make up an envelope, perfumed... with a cancellation postmark "Berlin," dated yesterday." "No problem, sir." "I want you to send a note to Klink" "I'll dictate it." "I think I can do that, yes." "The hard part's coming:" "You've conceived a mad passion for this man." "Not Klink!" "There must be another way, Colonel." "Can't ask a lady to do that, sir." "I'm afraid that's it." "This is going to take a great actress." "Betty Grable, almost." "An agent is an actress." "She has to act to live." "And besides, how bad can he be, this Klink?" "Yeah, well, let's get on with it." "Commandant?" "Yes, Hogan, I'm extremely busy." "Busy, busy." "Just like you, sir." "Something like this would have gone to another man's head, but with you, business as usual." "Something like what?" "You haven't seen it?" "Of course you have." "Seen what?" "What?" "Your publicity." "Publicity?" "This paper just arrived from Berlin this morning." ""Outstanding Record Being Compiled by Stalag 13 Commandant Wilhelm Klink"?" "How did this get in here?" "Where did they get my picture?" ""Outstanding Record..."" "I think it's the tip-off, sir." "They usually do this just before a promotion." ""Outstanding..."" "Promotion?" "General, at least." "Right out of the blue." "Mm-hmm." ""Outstanding Record."" "General." "Oh, look, you got fan mail." "Fan..." "What?" "Where?" "What?" "There." "How did this get here?" "You keep too busy, sir." "Of course, that's the key to your success, but I couldn't do it." "Erika Weidler." "I've never heard of her." "I think you will, sir." "Sorry." ""My dearest Wilhelm..."" "( clears throat )" ""On seeing your picture in the paper" ""the day of that magnificent leonine head," ""I... had an uncontrollable, insane urge that would not let me rest until..."" "Hogan, she can't wait until she meets me." "It is an excellent likeness, sir." "But she's coming here to Hammelburg." "She may be here right now." "You shouldn't have had the profile taken." "Much too powerful." "Hogan, what am I going to do?" "Well, I wouldn't go to Hammelburg if I were you." "Wouldn't go to Hammelburg." "She gets you alone in the inn, no telling what might happen." "Yes, I can see that." "Best thing to do would be to send your staff car after her." "Send my staff car, right." "Why?" "Meet her tonight here in your quarters." "My quarters-- excellent, Hogan." "Wait, wait, wait." "Why would my quarters be any better than the inn?" "She's bound to see my profile." "You forget-- I'll be here." "Why?" "Well, if she's what we call a "dog," you'll be protected." "If not, I'm a man who knows how to make an exit, right?" "Mm-hmm." "Yes, very good, Hogan." "Hogan, tell me-- how great do you think the chances are that she will be what you call a dog?" "( sniffs )" "Commandant... fasten your seat belt." "( humming tune )" "Hogan?" "I just thought." "Something wrong, sir?" "That picture of mine, the one she's madly in love with" "I had my hat on." "Could be a bit of a problem." "Mm-hmm." "Wait" " I've got something." "( humming tune )" "Hogan?" "How about a steel helmet?" "That's not funny." "Seriously, sir, I think you'd look better in your uniform cap." "With a smoking jacket?" "Well, after all, Commandant, you are on maneuvers." "That's right." "( knock at door )" "There she is." "My cap, my cap." "Fraulein Weidler?" "Yes." "Come in, please." "Commandant Klink." "You must find me a terribly bold woman, Commandant Klink." "Not at all, Fraulein Weidler." "Yes, you do, you must." "I couldn't help myself." "Oh, I understand perfectly." "Hogan, champagne." "Yes, sir." "I shouldn't." "I'm normally a very shy person, quite retiring, but... one glass and I become something else completely." "Oh, well, then we should drink to both your charming personalities." "Ah, delicious." "I feel warm all over." "Oh." "In that case, may I take off your wrap, please?" "Oh, yes, please." "( whispering ):" "Hogan..." "Tough luck, sir, but don't worry, I won't leave your side." "Hogan, what are you talking about?" "Dismissed." "Really?" "Out." "I'll wait in the kitchen, just in case." "Thank you." "I do not know myself" "I have never done anything like this before." "Everything I've ever been taught tells me it is wrong." "Why does it feel so right?" "Perhaps, uh, it's the chemistry." "Can one fight against chemistry?" "Or one merely surrenders to the inevitable." "How frightening." "Oh, sorry." "There is just one thing, one thing that could spoil it all." "Nothing could spoil it." "No, it is a personal thing, an eccentricity." "I've tried, I cannot overcome it." "What is it?" "I must see you without your cap on." "You wouldn't just care to look at my profile?" "The cap." "The cap." "All my life I have been emotionally crippled by this false, this foolish ideal of male beauty." "Why, why am I unable to grow up?" "Take off your cap." "And your ideal concerns hair?" "Yes, yes..." "I hate it." "Oh, why am I so foolish?" "To me it is..." "ugly... ugly." "My dear, dear young woman..." "You may go, Hogan." "Back to the barracks." "Back, back, back, back, back." "After you pour us more champagne." "Making progress, sir?" "Oh, she's mad for me-- wonderful creature-- utterly, helplessly mad." "Putty in your hands?" "Putty, putty, putty." "Wait till I tell the boys in the barracks." "More champagne!" "Champagne for tonight, champagne for tomorrow, champagne for us." "I hate you." "You what?" "I hate you for what you've done to me." "But I've done nothing." "Practically nothing." "You've ruined my life." "You with your profile, your devastating lack of hair-- you've ruined everything." "But, Erika, why?" "How can I go back to my husband?" "How?" "!" "I didn't even know you were married." "Oh, you've made my marriage impossible!" "( sobbing )" "Commandant." "Hogan, I give you my word of honor..." "It's my fault-- I thought you knew." "You knew?" "I recognized her when she came in." "It's going to be a messy divorce." "Divorce?" "You know how the Fuhrer hates scandal in the officer corps." "Her husband is an officer?" "( Erika sobbing )" "General Weidler." "Weidler?" "Weidler..." ""Tiger" Weidler, of the Russian front, the one that always carries a saber." "Saber?" "Hogan!" "Oh, well, back to the barracks." "Hogan, wait." "Wait, Hogan, please." "Listen to me." "( Erika sobbing )" "What am I going to do?" "There's nothing you can do-- it's chemistry." "( in German accent ):" "General von Weidler, tiger of the Russian front!" "Ha!" "Yeah." "Well, what do you think, sir?" "Well, he's all we've got." "Schultz coming." "All right, carry on." "Colonel Hogan..." "Please, excuse me, sir." "Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan, what do you think has happened?" "What do you think has happened?" "Germany surrendered." "Mmm, something much more surprising." "But please, do not quote me." "You've been promoted?" "Almost as surprising." "A beautiful... mmm... beautiful woman fell madly in love with..." "Commandant Klink!" "Oh?" "How's the weather outside, Schultz?" "But wait!" "She's married to a general." "Bit of a nip in the air, is there?" "Hmm..." "He's the "Tiger" from the Russian front." "He killed 63 men in saber duels!" "What else is new, Schultz?" "Please... please, sir," "I leave it up to you:" "Isn't it very surpr... uh..." "So!" "Not only does my wife take up with a jailer, but now guards are gossiping about this whole rotten thing with the prisoners!" "( yells in fright )" "I-I-I-I assure you..." "No wonder the Russians are knocking the stuffing out of us!" "Yeah, you call this support from home?" "!" "( crying ) ( yelling )" "( yelling crazily )" "Better tell Klink he's here." "Tell... tell him he's here?" "( yelling wildly )" "The tiger of the Russian front!" "On second thought, I'll come with you." "You tell Klink and I'll catch him when he falls." "( yelling fiercely )" "General Weidler?" "He's here?" "Came to our barracks first, sir, looking for information." "Gentlemen don't discuss these things." "Thank you, Hogan, thank you very much." "How much do you think he knows?" "Everything." "Oh, no." "That's the situation, sir." "I just remembered-- she is coming here this morning, too, his wife." "Hogan, what am I going to do?" "How are you at saber fighting?" "Terrible!" "Hogan, I swear to you," "I was going to break off with her this morning, tell her to get over me, go back to her husband, make a clean break." "I believe you, sir." "Thank you, Hogan." "And I believe you, too, Herr Kommandant." "Schultz, thank you." "But will General von Weidler believe you?" "Good question, Schultz." "Danke." "( outside door shuts, footsteps approach )" "He's here." "I think you're right." "So!" "Casanova Klink!" "Ah, General Weidler!" "How very nice to meet you!" "What does she see in you?" "Nothing... absolutely nothing." "It was all completely harmless." "Just a little intellectual companionship, you might call it." "I might, but I would not." "No, sir, you would not." "I would call it monkeying around!" "General Weidler!" "There's absolutely nothing going on between myself and Frau von..." "Wilhelm!" "You shall not touch him, you brute." "So... there's is nothing between you." "In what unpleasant manner, Klink, would you prefer to stop living?" "!" "Just a minute, General." "Are you challenging my commandant to a duel?" "Hogan!" "General Weidler, why talk of duels?" "Come, let us reason together." "I am beyond reason!" "I shall never give you up." "How well would you like him in little slices?" "!" "Hold it, General." "The party who's challenged gets the choice of weapons." "That is true." "But it also true that I am a general and he is a colonel." "I'm ordering him to choose sabers!" "That's a good point." "Ha!" "At dawn, Klink!" "Prepare yourself!" "Until dawn!" "Ha!" "You were magnificent, darling... magnificent." "Marvelous the way you stood up to him, sir." "I only hope, Herr Kommandant, that when my time comes to go," "I will face it with the same courage..." "What are you all talking about?" "!" "You duel him!" "It will not come to that." "When I heard that he was coming, my darling," "I arranged for a plane... to fly us both to Argentina." "To Argentina?" "A new life together." "Twice before, I have almost made it." "The third man is the charm." "What happened to the other two?" "Do not think of them." "Think only of the future." "The future?" "Here are the directions, the recognition signal." "And here, the names in code of friends in the Argentine." "But why give them to me?" "I will meet you at the plane, my darling." "But if something should happen, you must promise not to wait for me." "I promise." "The perfect ending to a love story." "Nobody deserves it more." "You must be very, very happy, sir." "Oh, yes... terribly." "Hogan, I still don't understand it." "Argentina-- how am I going to Argentina?" "You'll love it, sir." "It's a great country." "I hear Goering's already made reservations." "Stalag 13, my perfect record, everything gone." "Well, you'll have your memories... and Erika." "Hogan, I would not tell this to anyone, but I hope she doesn't make it." "You're a military man, Commandant." "A mere woman just can't compete with the joy of being with your comrades in arms." "That's true." "You know something, Hogan, I've often thought of you not so much as a prisoner but as a comrade in arms." "We can get together after the war." "Yes." "Meet you halfway, right in the middle of the Caribbean." "Herr Kommandant, I brought you the staff car." "Thank you, Schultz." "I shall be driving it myself." "And, Herr Kommandant, on the occasion of your leaving..." "Yes, old comrade?" "May I say that I always had the greatest admiration..." "for your riding crop." "Now that it is no longer of any use..." "All right, Schultz, here, take it." "KLINK:" "Well, I suppose that's all." "Schultz, will you take my suitcase outside?" "Schultz!" "It's a hard war, sir." "Roger, over the target area in 45 minutes." "All right, over and out." "The plane's right on schedule, sir." "Let's hope Klink is." "Gee, I guess we'll never fight our saber duel." "Colonel, she came in through the west tunnel entrance." "I had to, I'm sorry." "I was not followed, I'm sure." "Okay, what happened?" "I was questioned at the inn by the Gestapo, a Major Hochstetter." "What about?" "General questioning, suspicions about my friends in Berlin and about Klink." "That's not good." "What did you tell him?" "That I was working for Abwehr, the military intelligence." "They are rivals of the Gestapo, so it would be quite difficult to check my story." "What's Hochstetter going to do about Klink?" "Shadow him-- put him under surveillance." "So when he goes to the plane, they pick him up." "I'm afraid so." "That is why I came." "Aah, I was too smart for myself." "I made it too complicated." "Now they're going to get the list from Klink." "But it's in code." "The code won't hold up." "They'll have the name of every conspirator against Hitler." "Without a fight, sir?" "Newkirk, you're so right." "No... not without a fight." "Get on uniforms and masks." "We're going out as members of Abwehr." "Right, sir." "You better come with us." "We're going to try to get you on a plane to England." "No..." "my work is still here." "It's too dangerous." "I'll take my chances." "You know, you're quite a girl." "Too bad I have so much hair." "I could always make an exception." "( plane approaching )" "( crickets chirping )" "You're out rather late, Klink." "Oh!" "Major Hochstetter..." "I-I..." "I was looking for a prisoner." "You found him." "You're under arrest, Klink." "Search him." "Major Hochstetter, this is quite easily explained-- quite easily." "So..." "Start with the suitcase." "The suitcase..." "Couldn't we start somewhere else?" "Hmm..." "Berlin Gestapo will be most interested in this." "And in you, too, Klink." "KLINK:" "But, Major Hochstetter, my relations with the Gestapo..." "HOGAN:" "Major Hochstetter!" "NEWKIRK:" "Don't move." "You are interfering with the Gestapo?" "!" "Let's put it this way:" "The Gestapo's interfering with us." "KINCH:" "We are Abwehr on a special mission for the Fuhrer." "You are asking me to believe that the Fuhrer is using Klink for a personal mission?" "Exactly right, sir, personal mission." "Klink knows nothing-- he's a perfect dupe." "Perfect dupe, exactly." "You!" "Take this to the plane." "You will all hang for this..." "if you are lucky." "Major Hochstetter, if I were you," "I'd forget this." "Why?" "You're interfering with a highly secret project." "What happens to those who interfere with such projects?" "I am not intimidated." "Good." "We'll give you a three-second start." "I will not be intimidated!" "One..." "Come!" "( gunshots )" "That takes care of that." "I, uh..." "I beg your pardon, sir..." "There goes the plane." "I hate to bring this up, but since I was supposed to be on that plane..." "I mean, I thought I was to be on that plane." "Yes?" "What does the Fuhrer want me to do now?" "Continue being a dupe!" "Continue being a dupe." "Yes, sir, thank you, sir." "LeBEAU:" "Mission accomplished." "All right, let's go." "But... but... but..." "You still here, Commandant?" "Hogan..." "What happened to Argentina?" "Oh, that's complicated." "Also it's top secret." "Where is General von Weidler?" "Bad news, sir-- he was recalled to the Russian front." "The duel's off." "Oh... that's most distressing." "Worse than that, his wife went back to Berlin." "To Berlin, huh?" "Well, I will just have to live with that." "You're a big man, sir." "( door opens )" "Schultz!" "What are you doing?" "What happened to Argentina?" "Give me that." "I am back and I'm going to stay." "And the events of the past few days are not to be mentioned-- ever." "Is that clear?" "Perfectly, sir." "Perfectly, sir." "What happened to Argentina?" "Out, out, out!"