"Ladies and gentlemen, for reasons you will soon understand, the makers of this motion picture ask... you not to divulge what you're now about to see to any living person." "Thank you." "We take you now to the independent duchy of Grand Fenwick... the smallest country on the face of the globe." "This tiny but prosperous nation, which occupies a total area of fifteen and three quarters square miles... lies high in the french Alps..." "somewhere along..." "I beg your pardon." "Somewhere along...." "Oh, yes... here." "Grand Fenwick was founded in the year 1430 by Sir Roger Fenwick, a poor but honest british baronet, was here laid too sad, took a fancy to the neighbourhood and moved in." "Thus, thanks us to Roger, Fenwick is the only english speaking country in Europe." "Modern Fenwick is ruled by Duchess Gloriana the 12th... was a direct descendant of Sir Roger and was beloved by all her subjects." "Although still in mourning for having parted consort Count Leopold of Bosnia-Herzegovina... who disappeared during a tiger hunt 27 years ago... the Duchess takes an active interest in her country's welfare." "Fenwick's parliament." "Here's the hereditary Prime Minister, Count Rupert of Mount Joy... a graduate of Oxford and Cambridge." "Fenwick's forest." "Here in these sheltered glades, the welfare of its feathered and furry folk... is watched over by Fenwicks hereditary forest ranger Tully Bascombe." "Fenwick's army." "Although Fenwick has been at peace for 500 years, the longbow remains the national weapon." "Here, the army exercises under the guidance of Tully Bascombe... who is also hereditary Field Marshal and Grand Constable of the armed forces." "Aim... fire!" "If many Fenwickians seem to resemble each other, this may perhaps be ascribed to the influence... of the founder, who was in every possible way, the father of his country." "Fenwicks prosperity is based on his only export." "Pinot Grand Fenwick." "A small, but sturdy local wine with a virile but friendly bouquet." "For some obscure reason the United States has always been the major market for this wine." "Thus, secure in its prosperity and invigorated by its high alpine climate..." "Fenwick has always been a happy country." "However, in 1959 a California winegrower... bottled an imitation of Pinot Grand Fenwick... and called it "Pinot Grand Enwick"." "Backed by a vast advertising campaign and sold at a lower price... this imitation soon drove Pinot Grand Fenwick out of the American market." "As a result, in a very short time... the duchy of Grand Fenwick was in a state of absolute crisis." "One fateful day...." "Gentlemen, gentlemen." "Gentlemen, gentlemen!" "Pray, silence!" "Gentlemen, you made me drop a stitch." "Your pardon, your Grace." "Has the Prime Minister never thought of sending a protest to the United States... about this Californian fellow and his imitation wine?" "My dear chap, I have sent not one protest, but three." "Mind you, the situation is complicated by the fact... that we've never officially recognized the United States." "So we had to send all our protest through Monte Carlo." "The sad truth is, that each of these protests have been ignored." "Until today, when I received this." "What is it, Bobo?" "A pamphlet from their department of agriculture on how to grow grapes for wine." "But if that goes on we'll be bankrupt!" "My friend, we are bankrupt." "As of today, we're living on petty cash." "Good heavens." "If only poor Leopold were alive today." "Your Grace, gentlemen... our situation is indeed desperate." "We stand poised on the brink of disaster." "There is only one way up:" "War!" "We must declare war on the United States." "We can never win such a war!" "Of course not, but we could win the peace." "I've given this a lot of thought gentlemen and I'm perfectly positive that I am right." "You must remember, the Americans are a very strange people." "Whereas other countries rarely forgive anything, the Americans forgive everything." "There isn't a more profitable undertaking... for any country than to declare war on the United States and to be defeated." "True, true" "No sooner is the agressor defeated, then the" "Americans pour in food, machinery, clothing... technical aid and lots and lots of money for the relief of its former enemies." "In other words gentlemen, in effect, we declare war on monday, we are defeated on tuesday... and by friday, we will be rehabilitated beyond our wildest dreams." "Yes, but is that honest, Bobo?" "No, not really." "But it's terribly practical and infallible too." "I give you my word, your Grace." "It will solve all our problems." "But we have no army." "Oh, pish posh, who needs an army?" "Twenty men or so will be quite sufficient." "Oh." "And who is gonna lead 'em?" "Tully Bascombe, of course." "He's our hereditary Field Marshal and Grand Constable." "Tully." "No, not Tully." "He..." "he's a bit of a nice boy... but he's never been any good at games." "Exactly." "You can't send Tully on a mission like this." "He's got fallen arches, flat feet, sinus, migraine, claustrophobia and high blood pressure" "Apart from being nearsighted and gettin' dizzy in high places." "We are not asking him to climb the Alps, Juno." "All" "Tully has to do is to get the men over there." "Once they try to land in New York without visa, they will be arrested." "And... uh... that's all there is to it, really." "I don't want anyone hurt." "Of course not, our Grace." "I'll tell Tully to be very careful." "Besides, we can send Will Buckley with him." "Buckley was a Sergeant in the British army in the other war." "He can act as interpreter." "Well, gentlemen, there's only one way." "We have but one choice." "Bankruptcy or prosperity." "Which will it be?" "I move we declare war on the United States." "As leader of the Party of the common man..." "I say, that war is reprehensible, barbaric, unforgivable and unthinkable!" "And I second the motion." "Well, we're at war with America." "Well done Sir." "An historic moment." "And a profitable one too, I hope." "Will, take this down to the post office and get it in the post immediately." "Certainly, Sir." "Oh... and Will." "We'll better put a special delivery stamp on it." "At once, Sir." "My friend, the die is cast." "But our cause is just." "Time and tide." "To be or not to be." "That is the question." "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." "Our country, right or wrong." "Right." "We'll drink to that." "To our glorious defeat." "Oh, Tully." "Yes... what do you want?" "Well, Sir... it's about this war." "I'd sooner not go, if you know what I mean." "I don't know what you mean Tully and I'm surprised at you." "You know how badly we need the money." "Yes, I know Sir... but" "I don't like to leave the forest just now." "It's the mating season." "Tully!" "This thing is bigger than the mating season!" "This is your country calling." "Yes... yes" "Now... run along Tully and get your army together." "All right Sir." "And don't do anything to make the Americans angry." "Will you?" "I'll be careful." "Come come Tully!" "Look ahead." "You'll enjoy every moment on it." "It's great sport." "Besides the... the ocean voyage will do wonders for you." "I get seasick Sir." "My dear fellow." "With their new stabilizers and all that sort of rigrarow, the modern ocean liners are as steady as a rowboat." "I get seasick in rowboats." "Tully, please." "There you are." "A pretty good turnout." "Yes." "I shouldn't think I'll want to go there." "Not with the harvest coming." "I expect I'll have to appeal to their sense of patriotism." "Men of Fenwick!" "Do you love your country?" "Yes!" "When you hear the name of Grand Fenwick... do your hearts swell with pride?" "Yes!" "If your country calls, will you rush to enlist?" "No!" "I don't think I'm very good at this Will." "Better leave it to me." "Now, men, I want twenty volunteers." "Form up in ranks!" "At the double!" "And stand still!" "Well Men, here is the situation." "We're at war." "We're going to invade the United States of America." "Good luck, mate!" "If you'll let me explain how the situation..." "I told you with the harvest coming up they wouldn't want to go." "I'll give them harvest." "Fall in!" "Men of Grand Fenwick, have no fear." "Providence will smile upon you because your cause is just." "I know that you will all uphold the honour of your country." "And let it cheer your hearts to know... that your government has managed the money for your return home." "If necessary." "Bless you all." "Right, men." "Up bags." "Company, right turn!" "By the right, quick march!" "I do hope the Americans are kind to them." "They're a fine, fine body men." "And the best investment this country ever made." "A declaration of war?" ""To the president, congress and people of the U.S., greetings."" ""Act of aggression."" ""A state of war exists... between Grand Fenwick and the United States of... hahahaha."" "Oh, those boys in the press room." "Always making with the jokes." "Eight, nine, ten, halt!" "Company, left turn!" "Left, right, left." "Pick 'em up." "Pick 'em up." "Keep going, you landlubbers." "Left, right, left, right...." "I think I'll go up on deck, Will." "You are up on deck." "Why don't you go below if you feel seasick, Will." "I'll be all right." "Erh..." "Will... wha.. erh..." "Tell the men...." "I think I'd like to be alone." "Listen to this Sir." ""The president of the United States announced a practice air raid alert..."" "which will to affect the entire east coast of the country." ""Ships will be forbidden entry into any port until the alert is over."" "When does it start?" "In less than an hour Sir." "New York completely deserted." "That should be quite a sight." "Is it because of the new bomb that we'll hear on this adverse?" "That's it Sir." "The Q-bomb, they call it." "They say it'll make the H-bomb look like a firecracker." "It'll never replace the British navy Tompkins." "Oh, no, Sir." "Look, Sir!" "The Queen Elizabeth!" "Turn about!" "New York's closed!" "What are you doing down there?" "Turn about!" "The port of New York's closed!" "Do you hear me?" "The port's closed!" "What's the matter with them?" "Stay away from..." "Hey." "Stop that!" "What are you playing at?" "This is dangerous!" "Stop!" "But we're at war Sergeant!" "Not with everybody." "That's funny, I can't see anybody." "Looks deserted." "That's what I mean." "Doesn't seem to be anyone around we can surrender to." "There's nothing moving Will." "No boats or anything." "Is today Sunday?" "No it's Monday." "We better check with the skipper." "Yeah, yeah." "There it is." "The land of the enemy." "It's big." "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." "Are you crazy?" "Don't you know we're supposed to lose the war." "Well, no one told me." "There's a 175 million people in the United States." "Yeah, but it's only 10 million in New York." "We'll outsmart them." "That's how." "That's impossible." "Where's [...] the department?" "Customs?" "Immigration?" "We were just wondering the same thing." "Uh, but it is very peculiar." "Hey, see that big building?" "Well." "I saw it first, it's mine." "At the double!" "At the double!" "My regiment, please make sure you've got your passports and health certificates handed." "Sir?" "Well, what is it?" "The invasion map, Sir." "It's got to be down." "Why doesn't somebody come and capture us?" "Where is everybody?" "Maybe it's a holiday." "Why don't they come out and fight?" "I know, they declared New York an open city." "I think we should go back to the ship and wait." "Wait, for what?" "Just wait." "Oh, come on." "It's you." "Your mail's got rusty in the rain." "Germ warfare!" "Since when are there been sticky germs?" "Chewing gum. "Germ warfare."" "Why don't we storm a building?" "Just for a start." "No, let's keep going." "We're sure to find somebody." "Come on." "Hey, look Sir!" "That's where they all are." "Underground." "Cowards." "Hey, you down there!" "Why don't you come up and fight?" "Don't." "You'll make them angry." "Field Marshal!" "Look at this." "It's an air raid drill." "Everybody's underground." "Maybe we should go underground too." "We can surrender when it's over." ""Air raid drill today." "The president today announced the development of plans for a new bomb more powerful than the H-Bomb..."" "that's capable of devastating an area of two million square miles." "Designed by the noted scientist Doctor Alfred Kokintz of the New York Institute of Advanced Physics..." ""a prototype of the new bomb is expected to be a reality in a matter of weeks."" "Give me the map." "Maybe you were right." "Maybe we should wait on the ship." "No no." "We must get off the streets now." "After all, we are guests here, we don't want to spoil their air raid drill." "Oh yes." "There's the arsenal, that's on 64th Street and 5th Avenue." "We can cut through this... uh..." "Central Park over there." "Alright men." "All in favour of going over there right away and surrendering, say "Aye." Aye!" "You're a fine, disciplined body of men." "Let's go." "Come on." "What are you doing up here anyway?" "But all I wanted was some cigarettes." "Uh, then borrow one!" "Okay, give me one." "Here." "Thanks." "Alright now." "Come on." "Get going, and don't let me catch you (alright) here again, hey!" "Good thing this isn't a real air raid." "Some people just want to get killed." "The just want to get killed." "Uuh..." "look... the decontamination squad." "Well, that's the job I wanted." "No walking." "Yeah." "Hairpin, please." "I don't have any, Papa." "Uuh whatever, a bobby pin, then." "Uhm." "So." "Finished." "That's the warning apparatus in place." "You really have to get some food and sleep now, Papa." "You've been up without a break now for 48 hours." "Yeah." "Now, I 've had a bed put up in the institutes shelter." "Shelter, what shelter?" "There's a practice air raid alert on." "We should have been down there an hour ago." "An alert?" "For why?" "Because of you, Papa." "Because of you and this bomb of yours." "I see." "I wonder what they'd think of my little working model." "I think that they would all be very afraid." "I'm glad that warning apparatus works." "Yeah, of course." "Come on, Papa, please!" "Yes, for how long?" "It could be some time." "The want people to get used to long alerts." "Then I will have to remove the detonator to make it harmless." "It's very sensitive." "It can go off like..." "like..." "like..." "Are you sure you haven't got a hairpin?" "Hey, what's going on here?" "Why aren't you two in the air raid shelter?" "What's the big idea?" "What's the idea of coming into this lab without knocking?" "Look sister, this is an alert, so let's be alert." "Come on." "Out, out, out!" "Look, you'll get out." "If you know what's good for you." "Are you kiddin'?" "Now, you two can go peaceable, or I can drag you out. so what this will gonna be?" "Hey, what are we doin', playing games here?" "Come along pop!" "Don't you know that's Doctor Kokintz?" "Kokintz, Mokintz, who cares?" "Come on, let's get go..." "Wait a minute." "Kokintz?" "You mean the fella with the Q-bomb?" "That's right." "No kiddin'?" "No kiddin'!" "Hi, doc." "How do you do?" "Hey, this is it, huh?" "That's it, but it's a secret." "Now, do you mind leaving us alone?" "My father wants to disconnect it." "What?" "You mean it's connected?" "It sure is and what's more, it's on a hair trigger, so please don't slam the door on the way out." "Yeah, sure." "Okay, see you later, doc." "Yes, goodbye." "Hey!" "Why isn't he in Oak Ridge with the rest of the scientists?" "He's eccentric." "He likes to work alone." "But I thought, this thing was only in the planning stage." "It was." "This is his first working model." "He wants to surprise everybody." "Great sense of humour." "Oh... one more question." "Why is it so different from an H-bomb?" "The H-bomb?" "Huh!" "This new bomb is based on quodium... which is one hundred times more powerful than hydrogen." "In fact, my father uses an H-bomb just to trigger this one up." "It could probably blow up all of North America." "Yeah... and some of South America also." "Any more questions?" "Yeah, where do you have to go to be safe?" "Now, that is a difficult question, carbon 14, you understand?" "Oh yeah, yeah." "Hey, that's a dangerous thing you got there." "Yes it is, let's just hope it'll never be used." "That's a nice thought." "I feel better already." "Now... you really must try to be more careful." "Goodbye." "Just a minute." "You haven't had anything to eat since yesterday." "papa." "How about asking this man to bring us sandwiches." "Look, I've got an awful lot of other things to do." "Oh, now you wouldn't let my fathers hands to shake from hunger, would you?" "What kind?" "Cheese?" "Chopped liver?" "Chopped liver." "With pickle, please." "I hardly can't understand." "According to the map, this must be taken as shortcut." "I'm tired." "Chin up Prowley." "First when we get to the arsenal they'll give us a nice cup of tea." "Will, someone's left the engine running." "Maybe we can get a lift." "Yeah!" "Hey!" "What's the matter?" "There's some guys hangin' round the truck!" "Air-raid wardens?" "No, these are these funny-looking guys." "What do you mean, funny-looking?" "I mean funny-looking, like fish." "Who are you kiddin', what do you mean, like fish?" "They've got scales." "Where?" "All over 'em!" "Mulligan, are you sick or somethin'?" "They're from outer space!" "They're off a flying saucer!" "Off a sputnik!" "Oh, look!" "They've seen us!" "Let's get out of here!" "They're from outer space." "They're off a flying saucer!" "Ray guns!" "I'm getting out of this suit off." "Me too!" "Don't shoot, we'll get in trouble." "Hold it, they're not from outer space, they're" "Americans." "They probably belong to this truck." "Don't go after them." "Tell them we're sorry." "No, it's too late." "Let's go and surrender before we get in any more trouble." "Come on." "Now just a minute." "We shouldn't leave this truck with the engine running, should we?" "We'll turn it in." "That'll make them happy." "All right, men, into the truck, we'll ride to the arsenal." "Come on." "You wait here." "I'll get to a phone and call Special Reports." "Yeah, right." "Okay you." "Come on down the subway." "Hey, wait a minute, I'm a decontamination man." "Yeah?" "Where's your uniform?" "I threw it away when I was being chased by the men from outer space..." "I'm waiting for my partner." "Come on." "You gotta come quietly?" "Listen!" "Come on, come on." "Men from Mars!" "I saw them!" "Men from Mars!" "Special Reports?" "Special Reports." "What's your name and section?" "O'Hara." "Section 4300, sub-section 3: decontamination." "Ok." "Go ahead." "There's a bunch o' men from a flying saucer just landed in central park." "How many?" "Fifty or sixty." "Fifty or sixty men from a flying saucer..." "Say, what is this?" "Just what I said!" "I saw them, 50 or 60, with metal heads..." "They're all covered in some kind of shiny stuff." "They fired at us with some kind of a ray gun in central park!" "Listen bud." "You've been told to keep out of saloons, haven't you?" "The job you're doin' is serious." "Where are you now?" "I'm in a grocery store on Columbus Avenue 69th Street." "And I ain't been in any saloon!" "Well, stay right where you are." "I'm gonna send somebody over." "Off a flying saucer, 300 of them in central park!" "Men from Mars, 400 of 'em, in central park!" "We have been invaded from Mars." "Thousands of 'em!" "Men from Mars!" "Flying saucers all over the place!" "Men from Mars!" "With ray guns!" "Yeah, I know." "Right, men, number up!" "Twenty!" "Twenty-one." "Twenty-two Sir." "All present and correct Sir." "Good." "Now hear, lads." "Remember, there's nothing wrong in surrendering to overwhelming odds... provided we do it in a military fashion." "Yes." "Carry on." "Right, men." "Fall in!" "[...]!" "All right, lads, follow me." "[...]!" "Quick march!" "Halt!" "Tully?" "Yes!" "Look at that." "New York Institute of Advanced Physics." "That's not the arsenal, is it?" "No, we're lost again." "Yes!" "Alright men, back to the truck, at the double!" "Will!" "This is General Snippet." "Get me Washington." "Yes, Snippet?" "Oh... uh..." "Mister Secretary, I have to report an emergency situation in New York." "There's a rumour going around the city's been invaded by... men from Mars." "And it's spreading like wildfire." "Did you say men from Mars?" "Yes, Sir, in central park." "How did that rumour began?" "Well, a civil defense squad leader turned in a report." "Was he drunk?" "Well, we thought so." "Well, I thought I better make a report of it anyway." "Alright Snippet." "You go out and make a personal inspection of that park and report to me." "This kind of nonsense can ruin an exercise designed to protect the largest city of our nation." "A city, which I don't need to stress, has been entrusted to your care." "Get my jeep!" "We really better not wait any longer pop." "Well, we have to get down to the shelter." "Very well." "But I am hungry." "Naah..." "I'll do the bomb before we go." "I don't understand why that warden doesn't come back with the sandwiches?" "Even with white bread, with no pickle." "Thank goodness." "Just put the food here with... oh..." "Who are you?" "What do you want?" "Well, what is it?" "Uhm..." "I'm Tully Bascombe, and this is Will Buckley." "Is that Doctor Kokintz?" "Yes, I am." "Oh... how nice." "We just took a chance and... here you are." "You didn't bring my sandwiches?" "The sandwiches?" "Uhm..." "No Sir, we've come to capture you." "Is this some kind of a joke?" "What are those uniforms?" "You're not wardens!" "No, Miss." "We're soldiers." "I haven't got time to explain now." "But we're at war with America." "We came over here to surrender." "And now, I think" "If we take Doctor Kokintz back with us, we shall be in a much better bargaining position." "That is it in brief." "They're crazy." "Yes." "Call the police!" "Call the Army!" "That's no use Sir." "Everybody's underground." "What's that on the table?" "It's a coffee percolator." "A coffee percolator!" "Is it?" "I've never seen an American percolator." "What do I push?" "Don't push anything!" "I think that's the Q-bomb." "Yes." "Small, isn't it?" "It's my portable." "Well, well, well." "We'd better take it along too, Tully." "That's a very good idea." "Go, go!" "Well, shall we go?" "You leave my father alone!" "Oh, you're his daughter." "Oh, you better come along as well." "Look, I don't think..." "Helen, Helen!" "No, no violence, please!" "The bomb!" "Now, Mister Grand Marshal, please permit me to, to dismantle it first." "I'm sorry Sir we haven't time." "How do I carry it?" "Carefully." "Mister Constable, don't stumble." "Don't fall." "Because if you fall, all of America falls with you." "I see." "Shall we go?" "Fall in, men!" "Please treat the bomb with great care." "Do be careful!" "Get them in quickly." "Come along." "Take cover, all of you!" "What is this?" "What's happening here?" "What's your name, soldier?" "I'm General Snippet you fool!" "Who are you, what's going on around here?" "Why are you dressed like this?" "I'm Field Marshal and Chief Constable Tully Bascombe and you're prisoners of war." "Field Marshal and Chief Constable of what?" "The Duchy of Grand Fenwick." "Alright Fenwick, you're under arrest." "You'll get a hundred years for this." "We'll talk about it in Grand Fenwick." "You'll be treated with all difference due to your rank General." "Uuh..." "Take him away, men!" "130 years!" "On bread and water!" "We interrupt this program for an important announcement." "Contrary to rumour, there are..." "Mars in the city." "Do not panic!" "What did he say?" "Hey, cut that out, that's my radio!" "What did he say?" "Men from Mars in the city." "So stay where you are." "We have been invaded by men from Mars." "Did you hear that?" "I knew it." "I knew it had to come." "Stay where you are!" "Ahoy, there!" "Hi, Field Mareschall." "You want to live very long." "How did the war with the United States go, huh?" "We won!" "Mister Secretary, Sir?" "Yes, Captain, what is it?" "It's General Snippet." "He's still missing." "Uh, that man's an idiot." "I'll have his star for this." "But they found his jeep at the New York Institute of Advanced Physics." "They..." "Go on." "They say it was shot full of arrows." "Arrows?" "That's the report, Sir." "They're flying him down from" "New York." "Also there was a flag." "On the arrows?" "On one of the customs' sheds at the docks." "What flag is it?" "Nobodys had identified it yet." "But they're flying it down, too." "Also those uh... rumours about men from Mars." "They're still spreading." "I'm gonna stop this alert." "There's something funny going on and I don't like it." "A foreign flag on a customs' shed?" "Yes, Sir." "Fothergill, you're in charge of post exchange relations." "I think we all realize how important it is to the wellbeing of any community to have a helpful friendly PX." "So be on your toes." "And under the circumstances... gentlemen, I see no reason why we can't let the" "Americans have our wine at a generous discount." "R [...] fs?" "Agreed!" "Hear hear!" "Mayberry!" "The first impressions are always the strongest." "So be sure and give those smiling, boyish Gis a fine, friendly welcome when they arrive." "Hooh!" "And as soon as we get the money, we simply must get hold of some this malted milk machines, right?" "Yeah yeah!" "And not to forget about the hot dogs." "Yeah, yeah!" "Which uh... brings me, gentlemen, to the question of non-fraternization." "Now, the Occupation Authority is certain to be very strict in this matter and uh..." "We will want to cooperate in every possible way." "I should imagine that uh..." "non-fraternization will last for approximately... what uh..." "48 hours uh... 48 hours." "After which, gentlemen we will want those lonesome GI boys... to feel that this is a real home away from home." "I think I've dealt with everything." "Are there any questions?" "Nope!" "Except, shouldn't we have heard something by now?" "My dear fellow, not to worry, even a complete nincompoop like Tully can't spoil this war." "Come on." "Keep moving!" "I don't want any more exercise." "Up and up!" "Field Marshal's orders." "Move!" "On the double!" "On the double!" "It is worse than sitting on a barrel of gunpowder." "Much worse." "He won't let you dismantle it?" "No, I told him it was dangerous." "He said, he wants it dangerous." "He's powered crazy." "He knows whoever has the bomb has the world by the tail." "There is only one way to save us." "Now, you must persuade him to let me make it harmless." "I must persuade him?" "Why me?" "He likes you." "Well, I don't like him." "For America?" "No, Sir, not me!" "For mankind?" "I hate him." "That is irrelevant." "Not to me." "Please, do it!" "Is it absolutely necessary, papa?" "Absolutely." "Alright!" "Visiting time is over." "Yes, I'm just coming." "Absolutely!" "Okay." "Will you please tell the dictator I'd like to see him?" "Who ma'am?" "Bascombe." "Yes, ma'am." "Are you a typical American girl then?" "Come on!" "Come in." "You wanted to see me?" "Yes, as a matter of fact..." "Mister Bascombe!" "Mister Bascombe!" "You wanted to see me?" "Yes." "Is everything all right?" "Oh... wonderful." "Couldn't be better." "A 2-by-4 cabin on a rocky old boat with a deadly bomb ready to explode under the floor." "What more could a girl ask?" "Well, that's nice." "Thanks a lot." "Is there something I can do for you?" "Yes, you could let my father dismantle the bomb." "I'm sorry, I couldn't do that." "Please." "As a personal favour to me?" "No, no, I..." "I couldn't." "I knew It wasn't in use talking to you, go away." "All right." "Stop, please!" "I think you're holding me." "I am?" "Is this the way you treat all your prisoners of war?" "I'm sorry." "Oh..." "I didn't mean to offend you." "I hope you're not upset." "I'm not upset." "Do you forgive me?" "Yes." "Can I go now, please?" "Not just yet, please." "Surely, Mister Bascombe, despite everything... we can still be friends, can't we?" "Yes, yes." "That's nice." "I've always admired strong, silent men like you." "You're awfully young and handsome to be a real Field Marshal and everything." "Do you like American girls?" "I don't know any Ameri..." "American girls but you." "I like you." "That's nice." "Would you like to kiss me?" "I wouldn't mind." "You can turn around right now and kiss me if you want to." "Really?" "Really." "Listen to this [...]. "Look out for a pirate ship flying a double-headed eagle."" ""She may attack you." What's that mean?" "I can't imagine Sir." "Oh..." "ship on the port bow, Sir." "Is that so?" "Perhaps she's seen this pirate ship." "Hello!" "Hello, you down there!" "Have you seen a little?" "Help... this is a kidnapping!" "Inform the United States Embassy that someone..." "Alright, Come on!" "Keep your hands off me!" "What was that all about?" "Harry, please." "I can't keep the president waiting." "Don't forget that declaration of war." "No Sir." "Fine thing." "The United States and the Grand Duchy of Fenwick are at war and it takes the FBI to find out about it." "Yes, Sir." "The declaration was found behind the radiator in that fellows office in the State Department?" "Wasn't it so?" "Yes, Sir." "I mean "yes"." "Anyway, Chester won't like it on the island of Yap... but how am I going to tell the President that we've been successfully invaded by a bunch of 15th-century Europeans?" "Oh I'm sure you'll find a way Sir." "And all over some imitation wine." "Well I can't understand is why did they had to resort to war?" "There are many ways settling differences shorter than war." "And we've always been nice to little countries all over the world." "Yes, Sir." "But they did send us some protests." "Didn't they, Sir?" "And we ignored them." "Thanks." "How am I gonna break the news to the President that we lost the war?" "Lost the war, Sir?" "Just because they landed and took a few hostages and then got away again?" "Listen!" "This is top-secret." "Not only did they capture Doctor Kokintz... but they also took his working model of the Q-bomb." "The Q-bomb?" "Well that means..." "Yeah, sure, they just about control the world." "How am I gonna tell that to the President?" "Yeah, this is so thrilling." "Isn't it exciting?" "Where are my smelling salts Sedar?" "Hello, Bobo." "Happy day." "Shouldn't they be here by now?" "Do you remember what the telegram said?" ""Yes." "They are arriving approximately 2pm with" "Americans and wonderful news." "Said Tully."" "Good, good." "Hahaha." "Hope they don't bring too many" "Gis." "You know we're a small country, aren't we?" "Of course they'll do." "They were very considerated about the job they did." "Hahaha." "They're coming!" "They're coming!" "They're coming!" "Well, Your Grace, we're home." "Actually, there's been a slight change of plan." "Erm..." "I know it'll come as a surprise..." "a pleasant one, I hope." "That we... sort of won." "You sort of what?" "Well Sir." "It's a long story." "But we captured the" "Q-bomb, the most destructive weapon in the world." "And we got some prisoners too." "Erm..." "this is Doctor Kokintz who invented the bomb, this is his daughter Helen... this is General Snippet and these are New York policemen." "Oh, and erm... this is the bomb." "You illiteral idiot!" "Lady, please!" "If this bomb should explode, it will wipe out most of Europe." "I beg of you." "Let me make it harmless." "We can't do that, your..." "Grace, if they make it harmless, we haven't won anything." "Just some prisoners." "Oh, dear." "This is most terribly complicated, isn't it?" "Erm... put the bomb away somewhere in a dungeon." "And the doctor and Miss Pokinz can have the rooms next to mine." "Would you like orange or tomato juice with your breakfast?" "Orange please." "But Lady, this bomb is not the kind of prisoner you can shut up in a dungeon..." "Listen everybody!" "This bomb is stolen property." "It belongs to the United States of America." "Now you stop that." "We won it fair and square, your Grace!" "Give it back, please!" "If you don't, you'll live in terror for the rest of your lives." "Give it back." "It's the honest thing to do." "It's the wise thing to do!" "It's... it's the American thing to do!" "There goes a red-blooded American girl." "Your Grace, uh... this is General Snippet." "He's a real General." "I warn you madam..." "I know the Geneva Convention by heart." "Oh, how nice." "You must recite it to me some evening." "I play the harpsichord." "Come on." "In here, all of you." "Take your hands off me!" "Who do you think you are?" "Psychological warfare." "Brainwashing!" "Remember men, only your name, rank and serial number." "What if they torture us?" "Never mind what they'll do, don't talk." "Can we scream a little?" "Now, the first thing we do is form an escape committee... and that..." "Well, there you are, General." "Well, what do you think about our exhibits?" "I'm disappointed in you, Lady." "But you're never get away with it." "There are international laws for the treatment of prisoners." "You can't torture us and you can't keep us in this cell either." "My dear General, this is not a cell, this is a museum." "We don't do these things anymore." "Oh, uh... really?" "Haha." "Well, I knew it all the time." "I was just testing you fellas." "Well, if you're ready I'll show you to your rooms." "Just a minute." "Are they regulation size cells eight by six?" "I really don't know, I've never measured them." "And meals, they gotta be served on standard size tin plates." "I don't believe we have any tin plates here, General." "Then we refuse to move." "Unless you convince me that my men and I will be treated according to regulations!" "I'm not budging one inch!" "Excuse me!" "I see." "Are you sure you won't have something to eat, General?" "Only if it's served on a tin plate." "Very well." "Follow me, gentlemen, will you?" "Men, stand on your rights." "I'll show them they can't put..." "Men, where are you?" "Men!" "Men!" "And you?" "No." "I hope the General is okay." "I showed them." "No tin plates, eh?" "They had tin plates." "Here is the news:" "The situation seems grave tonight... and lights are burning late in every chancery on the continent of europe." "More men are under arms than ever before in the history of the world." "In Parliament tonight the Prime Minister said that Britain and Grand Fenwick were united... not only by ties of language and history, but by blood." "And that it is only a matter of pure accident that the tiny duchy was not a member of the Commonwealth." "Therefore her Majesty's government will do all in its part to protect the integrity of this British outpost across the Channel." "There were cheers from both sides of the House." "In Paris... the President stated that not only with Fenwick historically a part of France... that the interests of these two wine-loving and wine-growing countries were identical... and would be maintained at all costs." "There were scenes of excitement in Moscow tonight." "Where the Premier said, that although the Soviet Union had invented a Q-bomb of its own many years ago... the peace loving workers of the USSR would do everything necessary... to prevent the Fenwick bomb from falling into the greedy blood stained hands of... of the imperialist, warmongering... hyenas." "In the United States, the New York Yankees defeated the Milwaukee Braves 6-2... in the final game of the World Series, the American version of football." "Meanwhile there is no word from Grand Fenwick, which now seems to control the destiny of the world." "The tiny country apparently remains calm unconcerned... and indeed, almost indifferent to the rising tension." "Sir." "It's from China." "It says: "If there's anything we can do to help you against the United States..."" "please don't hesitate to ask." "Warmest regards."" "Impossible!" "No matter what." "We simply can't do business with Red China!" "It's not from Red China, it's from the other one." "Well, gentlemen." "We're in trouble." "Now, what are we gonna do about it?" "I don't know what all the fuss is about, Sir?" "We can take a plane with forty paratroopers all over that little jerk of a country... and get that bomb and this Kokintz out before the know what's the head up." "Sure on it!" "Gentlemen, it's not quite that simple." "Admittedly, we are at war with Grand Fenwick and legally entitled to attack." "But do you want a pre caught record in history that a nation of our size... attacked the smallest country in the world?" "Uh... you know something?" "We're stuck." "We sure are." "And now the French have offered eight divisions to protect Fenwick from attack." "The British are considering fourteen." "Egypt has offered six, and a half interest in the Suez Canal." "Now naturally, they all want to take the bomb home for safekeeping." "Argentina, Brazil, France, Germany, Italy, they all want to help us." "It's impossible." "We've fought a war and reaped as the fruits of victory: disaster." "Well, it was all your idea, Bobo." "My idea?" "Huh." "My idea was perfectly sound." "Only an imbecile could have won this war." "And he did." "I know." "But he... he meant well." "And the Russians have offered twenty divisions and they've told Fenwick they want an answer within 48 hours." "We'll give them 30 divisions." "General, you don't seem to appreciate our positions." "We're at war with Fenwick." "How can we send troops to protect our enemy?" "Uh... you know something?" "We're stuck." "And as a result, we now have this frightful engine of destruction... which have to mere our rumbling of the farm card can destroy us all and the rest of Europe with us." "And now we have to go to war against the whole world because of it?" "Oh, I know what our impetual charming friend then will say, "Guard our frontiers."" "I say, let us give America the privilege of guarding its own frontiers." "Huh... at least, they can afford it." "Your Grace, we must give them their bomb back immediately." "I'm not so sure about that, Bobo." "I mean, the Americans are a wonderful people and, perhaps we shouldn't have taken their bomb." "Anyway Bobo, even if we give it back to them, some other country will go and invent a Q-bomb of their own." "And then we'll have an X, Y and Z bomb and some day, one of them will go off." "Boom!" "Then what does Your Grace suggest?" "I really don't know." "But I think we should wait." "Wait?" "Wait for what?" "I don't know, just wait." "I see." "In that case, I resign." "So do I." "They're all so sensitive." "Well Tully, I'm afraid you're Prime Minister now." "Do try and think of something worth, chap." "Well..." "I'll do my best, your Grace." "There's a good boy." "Oh, dear, dear." "It's all so confusing." "Having the bad conscience of the world in one's own home." "It's very difficult." "I do wish Leopold were here." "But we won, didn't we?" "The world isn't the same anymore." "Well, you know somethin'." "Make peace with them!" "That way we can protect them." "That's precisely what the President hoped you'd say." "But, uh... unfortunately the Secretary of State is still busy in the Far East, so it's up to me, I'm afraid." "So I'll fly over to Fenwick immediately and try to arrange an armistice." "Agreed?" "Yeah, fine!" "Who ist it?" "May we come in?" "No!" "I see you're still angry." "I'm still a prisoner." "May I say how much we both enjoyed your speech when you first arrived." "If you've enjoyed it so much why didn't you let me finish it?" "Who are you anyway?" "A friend, Count Mount Joy, her Grace's chief adviser." "This is Mister Benter, leader of the loyal opposition." "What do you want?" "In return, may I ask what you want?" "I thought I made that clear." "I want to get that bomb back to America." "And my father and myself with it." "And General" "Snippet and the policemen as well?" "Why not." "Hey!" "Whose side are you on?" "The side of sanity." "In this case, dear Lady, yours." "We see nothing more advantageous than your immediate return to America with the bomb." "Do you mean that?" "Absolutely!" "We just want to get out of this mess." "What have you got in mind?" "Well... uh... we suggest, you take that naughty bomb away... and what is more we will help you do it." "You mean, take it back to America?" "Yes." "We shall return to you within the hour." "Be prepared to escape." "Dear lin, dear Lady!" "Adieu!" "Well, your American women are so charming." "So very... charming." "Look, we've only got an hour!" "Pity." "Who is it?" "Well, come in!" "I'm taking a bath, so wait out there." "Your too soon." "I didn't expect you for half an hour." "You didn't?" "Who's that?" "It's me." "Tully Bascombe." "Remember?" "How could I forget?" "What do you want?" "I just wanted to talk about being friends like you said on the boat." "That was on the boat." "You and I can never be friends." "Good bye!" "Do you really mean that?" "Yes, I do." "Get out!" "You." "Get out of here!" "You screamed." "You keep that on." "The water is cold." "How dare you come in here when I'm stuck in this miserable barrel?" "That barrel was made by very old former barrel-makers." "Who cares?" "A barrel is a barrel." "Now get out." "Alright, I'll wait out there." "Don't wait, come back tomorrow." "No, I'll just wait here, if you don't mind." "Guard?" "Do you wish to see my credentials." "I've come here to discuss a very important matter with the Duchess Gloriana." "Our order is for the hour to admit no one Sir." "But this is very important." "That's what they all say." "I come here to discuss the surrender terms." "Whose?" "Ours." "You have to wait here with the others." "Guard!" "Aggressor!" "We were all told to wait here until given permissions to enter by the freedom loving workers of Grand Fenwick." "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "Guard!" "A little caviar, comrade?" "Never touch it." "Well General, we haven't much time." "Yes, but shouldn't we have Doctor Kokintz disconnect it first?" "We can't find him." "We looked everywhere." "But uh..." "Come now, General, please." "General!" "Who's going to carry it?" "Shall we?" "Look Bascomb." "There's no use hanging around." "I have nothing to say to you." "So, for the last time." "Will you please go?" "I see." "Well, goodbye." "Goodbye!" "If I never see this antique tourist trap of yours again, I'll be happy girl!" "Antique tourist trap?" "You seem to forget we won the war!" "It was an accident." "You snuck up on us." "It was broad daylight." "Everybody was underground." "Well, anyway, we won." "We weren't looking." "And we got your bomb and there's nothing you can do about that." "But you stole it!" "Is stealing part of your primitive culture too?" "It's captured booty." "It belongs to the United States." "And you belong to me." "You're my prisoner!" "Thief!" "Get the car." "Right." "Go away." "It's me." "Are you sure my father's waiting with the others?" "Would I lie to you?" "Frankly?" "Yes!" "Thank you." "I promise you he is waiting with the others." "Now, please... please, come along." "Who is it?" "It's me again." "Tully." "You can't come in!" "Go away!" "Now, I just come back to say that I'm sorry." "And also that I've thought the whole thing over... and my problem is that I love you." "You do?" "Yes... and furthermore, Helen, I think you love me." "I do?" "Yes." "Can I come in now, Helen?" "No, no." "You just wait for a minute while I think." "Well, take your time then." "Come on." "He said he loved me." "Congratulations." "I think, he means it." "Yes." "He's an idiot." "Please!" "He's silly, but he's nice." "Well, write him a letter then." "I think I've always liked him." "So have I, my dear, but please let us go now." "Where are they?" "Some transportation you've arranged, I must say." "It belongs to the Duchess." "I only hope, she doesn't find out." "That's all." "I've got my own worries." "Where's my father?" "Erh... yes, where's her father?" "I thought, you had him." "I knew you were a snake." "You snake." "My dear gal, there's nothing to worry about." "We shall look after your father." "I assure you." "You just get the bomb home." "And he will be perfectly safe." "You not only expect me to leave him." "But you don't think we try to escape in this thing without the bomb being dismantled?" "Little Lady there's no time to argue!" "Please go." "Bon voyage." "Where do you suppose the Doctor is anyway?" "Haven't the faintest idea." "Huhuhu." "Helen." "My girl and my bomb!" "Ladys and Gentlemen, this is not the end of our film." "However, something very much like this could happen at any moment." "We've just thought, we want to prepare you and more or less, put you in the mood." "Thank you." "And now back to our story." "Five!" "I have another throw." "Well!" "Six." "One, two, three, four, five, six." "I bomb Philadelphia." "Who owns Philadelphia?" "I do." "Huh!" "You owe me 500 heavy bombers." "Here." "Now it's my turn." "Four." "One, two, three, four." ""Take a chance."" ""Go to salt mines." Hahahaha." "Uh, uh... fortunately, I can pay a fine instead." "I get Saudi Arabia!" "Huh." "Not a bad game." "I agree." "It's called Diplomacy." "My chauffeur's actually." "Jolly good fun, I think." "My throw?" "Yes." "Stop it, you idiot!" "Stop it!" "Fix the car, you idiot!" "Mind you hold this for a while." "After all it's your father's." "Oh, no, not me." "I'm only a girl." "Hurry it up boys." "Gently." "Take care of it!" "Stop that." "What's the matter now?" "It won't make the hill." "Then do something." "Get out and push." "Don't jerk it." "Steady." "Put some weight behind it." "Easy, boys." "A car just went into that haystack." "By Jove!" "Hurry you guys, come on, lets get them out of it!" "General Snippet, are you all right?" "Come on!" "Hurry up!" "General Snippet, are you all right?" "Uh!" "The bomb!" "It's going off!" "Let's get going!" "Well, I'm ready." "Good." "Well Sir, I've never been a Prime Minister before.... and... erm..." "Anyway, uhm, point one:" "The California wine must go off the market and we go back to business as usual." "You want that in the peace treaty?" "Oh, yes Sir, we want that in the treaty." "And we want a million dollars." "You mean a billion?" "No Sir, no." "Just, just a million." "You can't expect us to give you a measly million." "Yeah it's less than we spent in Germany on one city at all." "Yes, but you see Sir." "They lost." "Oh, I can't promise you get that through." "You may have to take a billion." "Well, if you could try, Sir." "And uh... we'd like some of that to be in the form of bathtubs and other plumbing equipment." "That's right darling?" "Yes, dear." "We're going to be married." "Congratulations." "Thank you." "Thank you Sir." "Now, what about the bomb?" "Well, uh... the bomb stays here." "And Doctor Kokintz too." "We want him to develop a chewing gum with a Pinot Grand Fenwick flavour." "Which, uh.. naturally we expect to export it to the United States." "Well, you want me to include that in the peace treaty?" "Absolutely." "Oh yes, yes that must be in..." "Very well." "But now what about the bomb?" "Surely you realize that you can't keep it indefinitely." "Well Sir." "We'd like, your President... who we admire very much to try and persuade the United Nations... to let the little countries of the world look after the bomb." "We want a general disarmament." "And we want this..." "legal... little nations to be in charge of the inspection." "To see that it all goes through smoothly, you know." "I see." "I think." "But look, what you are proposing isn't new." "Everybody's been crying for disarmament for years... and nothing happened." "What are you offering the big nations of the world in return for their ribes?" "Well Sir, we offer them trust." "You see, they can't agree on anything because they all suspect each other." "And we all hoped things would be better after the last war, but..." "In many ways they're worse with all these bombs and things." "Well you really believe that the big nations are gonna trust a group of small neutral nations... to set up a disarmament policy for them?" "You think, they'll agree to that?" "Well I hope so Sir." "Because if they don't, we'll just have to explode the bomb." "But you are be blown up too!" "Hey, you see Mister Secretary... if there were to be an atomic war, Fenwick would be destroyed anyway." "The way things are we're just prolonging the agony, aren't we?" "I see what you mean." "Well, America wants nothing more than peace." "All this has." "I'll do my very best." "And for all our sakes, I hope you make it." "Thank you." "It was awfully nice of you to come." "You'll be escorted back to the border." "Do give my love to your President will you?" "And Mrs. Coolidge too." "Your Highness, please, excuse me, this is most important." "The bomb has had such a shaking up." "I think, better I give it a good look as soon as possible." "In fact, now." "Yes, I do think Papa's right." "Yes." "Well, do be careful, won't you, Papa?" "Thank you." "You are a dud?" "All the time, it was a dud." "Remarkable." "Congratulations." "Papa, I'm proud of you." "Only we know." "Oh uh... how's the bomb going on?" "Never better, Will." "Oh fine." "Fine!" "All right, carry on."