"can I get another drink down here?" "I've been to prison once." "I've been married twice." "I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. and I got a bone chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal." "I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life." "But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this." "If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats I would have killed myself a long time ago." "I still might." "we didn't celebrate Christmas." "but because my dad was a worthless-coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head." "though." "so he took it out on me." "You could say I'm no different." "I'd have to say you were right." "it's too late to start over." "Funny how things work out." "It's fucking hilarious." "There's Santa Claus." "Look there." "Wow." "my." "What a darling photo." "Are you certain you only want the single?" "Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa or as a wonderful remembrance for friends." "Gee." "You know what?" "I think it's more than enough." "Thanks." "Merry Christmas." "little girl?" "A drum set." "the old man will love that." "Okay." "Fine." "See you later." "I saw you at another mall." "I'm very happy for you." "You're not really Santa." "you could do magic." "You want to see some magic?" "Here." "Let's watch you disappear." "kid." "Santa's got to pee." "What do you want?" "A new bike." "Wow." "That's a new one." "Excellent." "shoppers." "The store will be closing in five minutes." "We hope tomorrow is a pleasant Christmas." "Thank you for shopping with us." "that's the last one." "Thank the fuck Christ." "and Joseph." "You pissed yourself." "Jesus." "all right." "Yeah." "happy holidays." "All right." "Merry Christmas." "Happy holidays." "Get home safe." "okay." "I don't care what he says." "We're going out for a beer." "What the fuck?" "I'll get right back to you." "What the hell's wrong with you?" "I'm trying to fucking leave." "Pants are awful baggy." "You got anything in there?" "Yeah." "My dick." "You want to see it?" "Keep pushing me." "I got my eyes on you." "All the time." "Ready." "Jesus." "How's it going?" "I'm finished when I'm finished." "I'm going back upstairs." "I need a melon baller and a loofah." "Got it." "Fuck the loofah." "Let's go." "you get the loofah?" "Drive." "Oh!" "jingle bell rock" "Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time" "I'm dizzy." "Put me down." "put me down." "Come on!" "Put me down." "come on." "man." "all right?" "No." "That's it for me." "you know that?" "you dick." "Come on." "One more." "It's a celebration." "Here's to you." "To have the blues" "My baby's gone you know that?" "at least I got it open." "It took you long enough." "I remember when you could unlock a lock like it was nothing." "you don't have to worry about me anymore." "I'm out." "Bullshit." "my ass." "000 in one night." "Exactly." "I figure I got enough to go to Miami." "And do what?" "I don't know." "Shit." "Get a car." "maybe." "Maybe start a business." "A bar out on the beach." "Something like that." "I could quit drinking and run the place." "Maybe marry a waitress." "What?" "You ain't gonna do shit except go down there and drink your fucking ass off." "You're gonna piss everything away and end up counting the days till next Christmas." "wouldn't you?" "it ain't gonna happen." "If I call you next December -- if I call you next December -- you're gonna be so happy to hear from me you're gonna do a goddamn backflip." "You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you're gonna get fucking hat-burn." "Can I get you guys two more?" "thanks." "We're all right." "See?" "I'm already on the wagon." "Hey." "Asshole!" "How many times I got to tell you?" "Get out from behind my bar!" "Put the drink down right now." "Put the drink down right now!" "Ahh." "Fuck you." "huh?" "Right." "Oh." "Hey!" "Ow!" "Get the fuck out of my bar." "Fuck you!" "You're fucking crazy." "Fucking prick." "Asshole!" "Get the fuck out of here right now!" "Have a holly jolly Christmas" "And in case you didn't hear have a holly jolly " "Fucking shit!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "baby." "you want to play "Hide the Nazi" one day?" "God damn it." "sweetie." "I got something for your pretty ass." "You do?" "Yeah." "Wow. $5." "Thanks." "and you need to take a shower." "I'm a dancer." "I sweat." "you smell like a bum's nut sac." "Fuck you." "Message one." "Mr. Soke?" "from the collection agency." "Message two." "This is Dolores Axelrod." "You ran into my car last week. but they have no record of any insurance policy for you." "my phone number is 4 " "Message three." "it's Marcus." "It's that time of year again." "Pack your shit." "Phoenix." "the weather outside is frightful" "But the fire is so delightful" "And since we've no place to go let it snow it doesn't show signs of stopping" "And I brought me some corn for popping" "The lights are turned way down low let it snow" "Jesus Christ!" "Can you maybe keep it together for just 10 minutes?" "please." "Financially " "Chipeska." "Five Christmases I've been here." "You flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and who happens to work with a real midget." "Nobody cares." "Nobody comes here for the elf." "Santa's the attraction." "I do Burl Ives songs." "Does this schmo even play guitar?" "it's not about the money or the midget." "I " "I don't think they like "midget." "I think you're supposed to call them... just forget it." "Hacks!" "Hi." "Bob Chipeska." "Welcome." "by the way." "Thanks." "We've been at this a long time and all." "We'd like to think we do a good job." "I'm so glad you guys could come in on such short notice." "your look is just sensational." "Thanks." "We've been at this for years." "You got nothing to worry about." "truly." "So don't let his unpleasantness affect your performance." "no." "We're fine." "Performance?" "um... like sexual?" "Excuse me?" "Willie." "Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear?" "Is that what you're saying?" "I'm sorry." "Your gear?" "Willie." "My fuck stick." "Willie." "Take a seat." "You know how your blood sugar is." "He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children?" "no." "It's a joke." "An adult joke for us adults." "It's a joke." "Just a joke." "Fuck stick"?" "too." "I wanted you to be aware." "But his little friend promised he wouldn't say it which is fine." "there is an adult world and that's okay." "I'm no censor." "Little friend"?" "he happens to be a dwarf." "Or midget." "I don't know what he's called exactly." "he's a little guy." "Little Billy Barty." "God rest." "But thin fingers." "Not the fat sausage fingers." "Little people." That's what they like." "right." "Little people." "So "fuck stick." That's it?" "Yeah." "Merry Christmas!" "Santa's coming." "Yay!" "Merry Christmas!" "Santa's coming." "Yay!" "Merry Christmas!" "Have you seen that new Santa they just hired?" "Yeah." "He's back there drunk." "guys." "Santa will be here real soon." "God damn it!" "and we're broke." "So stop acting like you know something." "you don't know squat!" "put on your hat and get out there." "for Christ's sakes." "What do you want?" "What?" "Get out of here." "Next." "Next." "good." "What do you want?" "What do you want?" "What are you doing?" "God damn it!" "Nintendo Deer Hunter 3." "I don't give a shit what you want." "Blowing snot all over everybody and fucking whatever." "Next." "Come on." "What do you want?" "I'm Santa." "Come on." "What do you want?" "Barbie." "Say cheese." "Okay." "Fine." "Barbie." "thank you." "kid!" "Shit." "Next." "Next!" "What do you want?" "Fraggle-Stick car." "What the fuck is that?" "Fraggle-Stick car." "I heard you." "Fraggle-Stick car." "Fine." "check out this loser." "fat-ass." "How you doing today?" "loser." "dipshit." "Moron." "loser." "How you doing today?" "why don't you turn around?" "You know what?" "Fuck this." "You're next." "Next." "all right?" "Move it along." "What's your name?" "You can tell me." "I know." "How about Santa?" "you won't get a present." "That's right." "Come on and tell Santa all about it." "What do you want?" "come on." "What do you want?" "A snot-rag?" "Great." "Another fucking Mongoloid." "get this kid off me before he pisses on me." "Don't fuck with my beard." "It's not real." "No shit." "it was real." "I got sick and all the hair fell out." "How did you get sick?" "I loved a woman who wasn't clean." "Mrs. Santa?" "No." "It was her sister." "What's it like at the North Pole?" "Like the suburbs." "Which one?" "Apache Junction." "get off my lap." "You sit there like a fucking retard." "right?" "No." "I'm an accountant." "all right?" "Okay." "Get this kid out of here." "He's freaking me out." "I got to get a drink on." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Just don't come into work stinking of booze again." "Yeah." "Why don't you get going?" "You'll be late for your "Wizard of Oz" Candy Bar Guild." "you asshole." "Jesus!" "Two-year-olds flip me shit better than you." "You saying something to me?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass." "jingle bells" "Jingle all the way what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh jingle bells" "Jingle all the way what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh" "Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh laughing all the way making spirits bright" "What?" "What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight jingle bells" "Mmm." "Santa?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "jingle bells" "Jingle all the way what fun it is to ride" "Got a name?" "Yeah." "you know..." "I mean." "and then I'm the Easter Bunny." "Oh." "Another?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "Merry Christmas." "Not a big talker." "not really." "Buy you one?" "Why not?" "Happy New Year." "You're pretty regular for a Santa." "It's not that big a fucking deal." "you know what I mean?" "fucking Santy Claus." "Prove it." "Santa." "Santa." "Santa!" "Can't I at least take this hat off?" "No." "I love the hat." "Okay." "Whoo!" "I've always had a thing for Santa Claus." "In case you didn't notice." "It's like some deep-seated childhood thing." "So is my thing for tits." "though." "From when you're a kid." "and we didn't have Christmas." "So it was like this forbidden thing." "So..." "I like you." "Don't mothball that suit." "What the fuck?" "I am not gay." "buddy?" "Buddy?" "I said I am not gay." "Are you off your fucking meds or something?" "Yes." "But that isn't what this is about." "You're as queer as a $10 bill." "motherfucker." "My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam." "So I want you to look at my face one last fucking time." "This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I " "Elf fucker!" "elf fucker." "Santy Claus?" "Huh?" "Faggy Claus!" "Faggy!" "Leave Santa alone!" "don't interfere." "I am doing this for all of us." "Leave Santa alone!" "Ass clown." "you're that kid." "What the fuck are you doing here?" "okay?" "Uh-huh." "I'm not your fucking dada." "Uh-huh." "It's not like you helped me with that nutjob or anything." "Uh-huh." "You're the right height." "You're right there to grab his balls." "You could twist them." "Why do you need a car?" "What?" "This car." "Which turn is it?" "Sage Terrace." "Where's your sleigh?" "getting repaired." "Where are the reindeer?" "I stabled them." "Is it left or right?" "That way." "Where's the stable?" "Next to the shop." "How do they sleep?" "Who?" "The reindeer?" "Standing up." "But the noise." "How do they sleep?" "What noise?" "From the shop." "all right?" "I thought it was always night at the North Pole." "not now." "Right now it's always day." "Then how do they sleep?" "shit." "Sage Terrace." "What is it with you?" "Somebody drop you on your fucking head?" "On my head?" "Are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?" "How can they drop me onto my own head?" "not onto your..." "Would..." "God damn it!" "Are you fucking with me?" "Okay." "Which house is it?" "That one." "With Jesus and his family there or what?" "No." "The one beside that." "Right here?" "Yeah." "That one." "All right." "Nice digs." "Is Daddy home?" "exploring mountains." "He's been gone a long time." "huh?" "How long is he gonna be gone?" "Till next year." "Yeah?" "What about Mommy?" "She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost and the long-eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut." "then?" "Grandma." "Yeah?" "What's her name?" "Grandma." "Is Granny spry?" "Everybody!" "Dole" "Banana shuffle" "Grandma?" "Grandma?" "Santa's here." "Roger." "You're home." "Are you spry?" "Let me fix you some sandwiches." "Are you telling me she's the only one here?" "Nobody else?" "No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that?" "A butler or security guard or something?" "Nuh-unh." "You're shitting me." "Does your daddy have a safe?" "Need money to fix your sleigh?" "Exactly." "You want milk and cookies?" "No." "Should I fix you some sandwiches?" "Unh-unh." "Does your daddy have a car?" "Santa!" "First comes the stocking of little Nell fill it well" "my!" "Keep going." "Jesus!" "Ohh!" "God!" "Ooh!" "Mary!" "Keep it going." "Jesus Christ!" "baby." "You ain't gonna shit right for a week." "Oh!" "buddy!" "Yeah!" "Whoo!" "It won't happen again." "I can promise you that." "Willie here has low blood sugar." "That's all." "That's right." "I forgot to take my pill." "It's not just the swearing." "Um..." "Forgive me for prying." "um... fornicate..." "Fornicate?" "with a heavyset woman in the Big  Tall dressing room." "sure." "I've never fornicated anybody." "I think it's best for all parties considered if we " "If we what?" "I have someone else interested in the position. you may want to think about this shit." "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about firing a little black midget." "African-American small person." "That's what I'm talking about." "I'm talking about your face all over goddamn "USA Today." "I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there." "chanting and raving." "Using little bullhorns and shit like that." "Screaming and hollering your name out." "Unfair practices." "Get me?" "no." "This is not a handicap thing." "I have nothing against you people." "You people"?" "You people." "Who the hell is "us people"?" "no." "I " " You don't under-- What?" "no." "I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation." "Okay." "Good thinking." "And don't worry about us." "We'll be fine." "Marcus." "You're pathetic." "I dig that little thing on your belly button." "What's that?" "Like a diamond?" "It's a belly-button ring." "yeah?" "Hang on a second." "Check this out." "You got to thrust." "See what I'm saying?" "baby." "Come on." "See?" "Move the ball." "There you go." "Motherfucker!" "fucking motherfucker." "That's the shit that's gonna get us pinched." "She said she was 18." "But you promised no arcades." "You said you'd only hustle Big  Tall." "You shat me out of your womb?" "You're my fucking mom now?" "I don't need any goddamn lectures." "I know how to keep a low profile." "Thank you." "Mr. Low Profile?" "Mind your own goddamn business." "Ever hear of the open bottle law?" "Women's Big  Tall." "And I heard these... these noises." "yeah." ""That's right." "You ain't going to S-H-I-T right for a month." "But don't get me wrong." "I was against the Clinton impeachment." "What a man does with his own penis " "Women's Big  Tall -- it's not for the American people to say." "right." "But when you're dealing with children..." "They have a tender sensibility." "And you are in a position of trust." "I think perhaps someone who has screaming orgasms with large women shouldn't..." "Yeah." "I can't fire him for that." "yeah." "Unfair practices." "bitch." "Fucking broads." "But I just can't help it." "There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy." "sure." "Santa fucking someone in the ass." "So..." "Maybe there's something I could fire him for." "I get you." "Do you?" "Do you think you could find something?" "yeah." "There's always something." "Shit." "Opal." "Come here." "Unh-unh." "your kinky ass." "Last time I didn't shit right for a week." "it's not that." "I need to talk to you." "Willie." "Ooh." "Who the fuck is in my room?" "Did you see somebody go in my room?" "Yeah." "Some guy asking about you." "Looked like a cop." "shit." "it's Willie." "I just got back to the motel." "Some guy is nosing around in my room." "What guy?" "You get a look at him?" "though." "Think somebody's onto us?" "Is there anything in the room?" "Anything professional?" "I just got clothes in there." "you idiot." "You got anywhere to sack out for a while?" "Santa!" "Yeah." "You're bringing my present early?" "No." "But I never told you what I wanted." "dipshit." "Okay." "Good." "I want a stuffed elephant." "A pink one." "shit in the other one." "See which one fills up first." "Okay." "So I'm gonna be staying here for a while." "Things are all fucked up at the North Pole." "Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister." "And I'm out on my ass now." "She got half of everything." "This is gonna be cool." "This will do fine." "So I'm gonna be crashing here." "you know?" "Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?" "No." "Thank the fuck Christ." "What about the elves?" "they stay with Mrs. Santa." "I get them on the weekends." "Why don't you go run me a bath?" "What about the reindeer?" "Would you please shut up about reindeer?" "What are their names?" "Who?" "The elves." "shit." "I can't remember." "I think one of them is Sneezy." "There's a Dopey." "That's the Seven Dwarfs." "you're shitting me." "I thought..." "I was thinking it was the... kid." "bub." "bub" or "chief" or whatever the fuck." "I tell him to make the goddamn toy." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "I can't remember this shit!" "Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?" "How old are they?" "You want cookies?" "No." "Warm milk?" "No." "Should I fix you some sandwiches?" "I don't want any fucking sandwiches." "What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches?" "Okay." "Do you want anything else?" "No." "Okay." "Santa?" "What?" "I brought you some orange juice." "What's in it?" "Oranges." "Look what I have." "An Advent calendar." "What the hell is that?" "but in a calendar." "Every day you peel open a new box." "You get part of the story." "And then there's a chocolate inside." "Do you want to open up today's box and read it?" "No." "You go ahead." "kid." "Watch the nuts." "So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee the town of David." "In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world." "Everyone went to his hometown to register." "That it?" "Yep." "kid." "but we have to wait till tomorrow." "Do you want to eat the chocolate?" "You go ahead." "Are you coming downstairs?" "I'll be down in a minute." "I got to go to work." "Fuck me?" "Fuck you." "You can't just take up with some kid." "You don't know who's around or what they do." "you." "you're my mom now?" "You shat me out of your womb?" "you stupid fuck." "Shit." "Fuck you. most pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass." "What if the kid has one of those fucking playdates they have now?" "Are you shitting me?" "The kid don't have any friends." "He don't even have an imaginary friend unless he ditched him." "He lives with his drooling-ass old grandmother." "Sits in front of the TV all the time." "You think she's gonna rat me out?" "She don't know her ass from last Tuesday." "You fuck her?" "Jesus Christ." "Is everything fucking sex with you?" "With me?" "I fuck one person. drinking myself silly 'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am." "Sigmund Sawed-off Fucking Freud?" "that's right." "Go ahead." "Talk about my height." "Make it about something safe 'cause you're an emotional cripple." "Your soul is dog shit." "Every single fucking thing about you is ugly." "Lois." "Let's get out of here." "Jimmy." "It's Santa." "That's fucking great." "Let's tell him what you want for Christmas." "Fuck." "okay?" "Are you insane?" "Management's gonna hear about this." "You think that's a threat?" "go right ahead." "Be my fucking guest." "Take a shot." "It's the most wonderful time of the year" "With the kids jingle-belling" ""Be of good cheer"" "It's the most wonderful time of the year" "Just looking." "Aah!" "Find everything you're looking for?" "yeah." "Thank you." "huh?" "No." "I'm just looking at the games 'cause I have an Xbox." "man!" "you're stealing from me." "What is this?" "I was gonna pay for it." "Wrong answer." "you know what I think?" "I think America has a sad future ahead of it." "And you're part of this sorry-ass generation." "What you want to be when you grow up?" "I don't know." "This MP3?" "Yeah." "Take it off." "But my grandmother gave " "Take it off." "I don't care who gave it to you." "Take it off." "I don't care if it choke you to death." "I want you to get on out of here." "Get!" "But can I have..." "Get!" "Happy Kwanzaa." "And pull your damn pants up!" "What's wrong with you kids these days?" "MAN:" "Gin?" "Yeah." "What do you need?" "I need you to run a plate for me." "It's Arizona plates." "Hold on." "Let me get a pen." "Is that it?" "would you?" "King me." "Son of a bitch!" "cheating little shit!" "You're fucking with me!" "You did that on purpose. you're like Seabiscuit all over the place." "kid." "Want to play again?" "Howdy." "Herb Gunner." "I live two streets over on Burning Trail Road." "I don't think we've met." "I'm Uncle Willie." "I'm organizing the decorations for the subdivision this year." "You mind if I come in?" "Yeah." "I mind." "Okay." "Uh..." "Will you be participating in our luminarias program this year?" "What the hell is a lunamaria?" "They're luminarias." "Small sacks filled with about a pound of sand each. and the bag glows." "Then we line all the sidewalks here all around the neighborhood." "so... we're Muslims." "it's my first year running this." "I'd like it if there weren't any gaps in it." "What if I come by Christmas Eve and do it for you?" "you know what?" "You don't have to do that." "we'll do something." "Great." "I got the supplies." "I'll throw them in the garage." "Perfect." "Awesome." "just so you know." "You can make a delicious six-pound chicken." "Enough hot dogs and sausages to feed a small army." "but two delicious rotisserie chickens." "Santa." "Santa." "Scrumptious 6½-pound standing rib roast." "baby back ribs." "This is such a nice house." "though." "I just rent the fucking place anyway." "too." "Yeah?" "How long are you gonna be here?" "What?" "On the couch?" "No." "In town." "I don't know." "Just through the holidays." "then I'll move on." "do you like kids?" "no!" "Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?" "I just mean because you're Santa Claus." "Oh." "I like kids." "I really like kids." "You do?" "I love kids." "good." "those kids." "And to tell you the truth..." "I'm not Santa." "Like ya anyway." "right?" "Yeah." "I'll call you." "I'm gonna buy you some flowers." "Some of those really good expensive ones." "Shut up." "Bye." "you're home." "Let me fix you some sandwiches." "What the fuck?" "what the fuck is wrong with you?" "Jesus Christ!" "Let me see it!" "Let me see it!" "What the hell happened to you?" "!" "I cut my hand by mistake!" "Ow!" "Of course it was by mistake." "Ow!" "hold still." "Hold still." "I was just trying to help you!" ""It's gonna sting a little bit." "Shouldn't I wrap it in a T-shirt or something?" "God damn it." "kid?" "you okay up there?" "You need a Band-Aid or something?" "shit." "You're late." "Kids." "Let me tell you." "They run you ragged." "team." "hey." "It's not quite 8:00 yet." "how close are we?" "Now it's 8:00." "Merry Christmas." "Up your ass." "God damn it!" "You tear your ball again?" "I don't think so." "That's it." "God damn it!" "now." "Go on and get in there." "I can take it." "Yeah." "I got the info on that Arizona plate." "All right." "Now you're talking." "hold on one minute." "baby." "Don't use that one." "That's not the stuff." "Use something with some claws to it." "that hard candy." "That's it right there." "that's it." "Okay." "I'm back." "The guy's Roger Merman." "Guess where he is." "Give it to me." "woman?" "Who are you?" "Your name Roger Merman?" "Yes." "But..." "You doing three to six for embezzlement?" "many accounting questions are not cut-and-dried." "Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace?" "Is it Grandma?" "Is my son all right?" "They're fine." "Do you have any houseguests?" "Houseguests?" "Thank you for your time." "God bless." "who are you?" "Houseguests?" "Little trick I learned up at the North Pole." "it tastes like a hot dog." "I thought you didn't like sandwiches." "but this is not a sandwich." "A sandwich has two pieces of bread with a bunch of junk on it." "It's like a tostada." "This isn't a tostada." "Granny." "Little salsa here." "Now it's a tostada." "Have you seen my Advent calendar?" "What the fuck is it with the Advent calendar?" "Why are you so obsessed with that goddamn thing?" "The story sucks anyway." "I think I saw it in the hallway." "Really?" "I think so." "Looks like someone messed with my Advent calendar." "What are you talking about?" "Let me see." "Nobody messed with it." "It looks fine." "There's a candy corn in this one." "can they?" "it's fucked." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "frankly." "He's..." "Clean..." "Oh." "As a fucking whistle." "Nothing?" "No." "Oh." "Nothing." "I mean shit." "Yeah." "He curses." "Yeah?" "But never around children." "Oh." "No criminal record." "Yeah." "No parking tickets." "Nothing." "even." "Oh." "yeah." "But man is a sexual being." "Yeah." "Fuckin' Darwinian." "Oh." "You can't do shit about that." "No." "I wouldn't want to." "of course not." "I'm not advocating celibacy." "Hope not." "It'd be the end of the fucking human race." "Yeah." "Fucks large women." "What can I say?" "it's the retard again." "Wedgie." "Yeah." "Yeah." "what the hell do you want?" "Pokémon!" "Done." "You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass." "Santa... jeez." "Is that your underwear?" "Part of it." "Where the hell's the rest of it?" "don't tell me." "What do you want?" "not pink." "But now I changed my mind." "what?" "Now I don't want an elephant." "I want a gorilla named Davey for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. so it wouldn't be my bad thing." "kid. and I wasn't as big as one of your legs." "Four kids beat me up and I went crying to my daddy." "You know what he did?" "He made it all better?" "he kicked my ass." "You know why?" "'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes?" "What the fuck?" "No." "He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?" "drunk son of a bitch. he was putting cigarettes out on my neck." "The world ain't fair." "You gotta take what you need when you can get it." "Learn to stand up for yourself." "Quit being a pussy." "Kick these kids in the balls or something." "I don't care." "get on out of here." "Santa." "okay?" "next." "Marcus." "I know you?" "Not yet." "Seven cities in seven years." "Pretty impressive." "your name changes." "But you always get away clean." "Yeah." "Pretty darn impressive." "let's face the facts." "Y'all are a couple of half-bucket small-timers. and I respect that." "But you also been caught by me." "So this is how it's gonna be." "I don't want to take over." "I don't even want to change your scam." "it works." "All I want is a taste." "we part ways. and you all take your little medicine show back on the road." "How much?" "Half." "No way!" "You don't know who you're fucking with." "Will." "I got this." "I got this!" "Okay. 30%." "There's three of us." "30%." "That's fair." "Half." "I meant 33%..." "I meant half." "...and 1/3." "Half." "35%." "Half." "40%." "Half." "42%." "Half." "45%." "Half." "48%?" "Half." "49%." "Half." "what's one point?" "We split the dough right down the middle." "I get to look at and cherry-pick." "but you ain't gettin' the -- jagoff." "I tell you how it's gonna be." "This is pricks fix." "Pricks fix?" "He's a fucking moron." "really?" "Is that how you got the upper hand?" "Fuck you." "Negotiating?" "fuck off." "I can always get another box jockey." "too." "where?" "You see us hanging off of trees like fucking crab apples?" "you'd never front your own racket." "Willie?" "You got no discipline." "You got zero fuckin' initiative." "You'd fall apart without me." "You're too pathetic for words." "and you fucking know it." "To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh pick up your feet" "Jingle around the clock" "Mix and mingle in the jingling' beat" "That's the jingle bell rock kids." "Real soon." "Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time" "There he is." "Look." "In jingle bell square no." "it's the right time" "To rock the night away my God!" "Is a swell time" "To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh pick up your feet" "Jingle around the clock" "Mix and mingle in the jingling' beat..." "Sweet Jews for Jesus." "I pissed myself." "What the fuck do you think you doing?" "You son of a bitch!" "hey." "come on." "come on!" "Look here." "Get him out of here." "I'll smooth things over with Chipeska." "Tell him food poisoning." ""Get him out of here"?" "Take him to the car." "I'm a motherfuckin' dwarf. hmm?" "That figures." "You want all kind of set-asides." "Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped." "You all the same." "Special treatment?" "you asshole!" "It's a matter of physics." "huh?" "bitch." "you moron." "Fucking Leonardo da Vinci." "thigh high?" "I called you a fucking guinea homo you dickhead!" "small fry." "Yeah?" "You sure it ain't too sore from last night?" "midget." "these lips were on your wife's pussy last night." "Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while?" "Asshole." "I pissed my pants." "shut up." "Santa." "Santa?" "What?" "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "You going to work today?" "Not really." "You just gonna sit there?" "Yeah." "okay?" "kid?" "Yeah?" "I want you to take this letter. there's gonna be some cops there." "I want you to make sure that those cops get that envelope." "What is it?" "It just tells all the bad things that..." "What the fuck happened to your eye?" "Fucking little prick!" "huh?" "huh?" "!" "You want some?" "!" "Anybody else?" "Anybody else?" "Come on!" "there you go." "I think I've turned a corner." "Yeah?" "You fucking petites now?" "No." "I'm not talking about that." "I beat the shit out of some kids today." "But it was for a purpose." "It made me feel good about myself." "It was like I did something constructive with my life." "I don't know." "Like I accomplished something." "You need many years of therapy." "many fuckin' years of therapy." "which is smart on your part." "But being sober can put you at a disadvantage when it comes to violence." "see." "But I'm good in a fight because I can't feel anything." "you're gonna feel everything." "Okay." "Now put your dukes up." "Let me see what you got." "This is bullshit!" "Give me one good reason why I should even consider doing this." "000 kids spit in my face for your ass." "That's why." "I'm asking you for this one thing." "look at the kid." "He is pathetic." "he's just a little..." "He's a fucking retard." "let's show him a couple of things then." "Unless you're scared." "here's what's gonna happen." "right?" "He's gonna pull your underwear up out of your pants." "what do you do?" "I don't know." "God damn it!" "You don't know? you have to get mad." "come on." "Get mad." "Scream at him." "Jesus fucking Christ." "Listen at him." "He's a fucking faggot." "Loud!" "Scream!" "Be loud!" "Be mean!" "Piss him off!" "Come on!" "Aah! you asshole!" "Aah!" "What the fuck's wrong with you?" "He's just a kid." "Willie!" "Ow!" "God damn it." "I told you I didn't want to do this!" "Making me..." "Ohh!" "shit." "maybe you shouldn't spend so much time around me." "You sneaky little prick." "Fuck you!" "Little bastard!" "Get off me!" "Shut up." "That's not even what you said." "I forgot about that." "We got a fucking nursing home around here." "we can go in another room." "doesn't she?" "Granny?" "Granny." "Granny?" "Granny." "my God." "What the fuck?" "shit." "Roger!" "God!" "God damn it!" "Shit!" "You're home." "Please just tap me." "Let me fix some sandwiches." "little boy." "Hello." "Santa... and you have to fly around the world and you won't be around anymore." "Yeah?" "So I thought I'd give you your present now." "What the fuck is it?" "It's a wooden pickle." "Why'd you paint it brown?" "It's not paint." "It's blood from when I cut my hand making it for you." "Oh." "I don't know." "I..." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "Santa." "Mrs. Santa's sister." "sweetie." "my God." "That was so sweet." "isn't he?" "I guess so." "baby." "Come here." "What?" "nothing." "I'm all right." "Just a little tired." "Oh." "Santa!" "God damn it!" "Whoa!" "Shit!" "Want to see my report card?" "You scared the holy shit out of me." "Think I did good?" "How would I know?" "I haven't seen the fuckin' thing yet." "Who the fuck is Thurman?" "Is your name Thurman?" "Yeah." "Thurman Merman?" "Yeah." "Jesus." "you think I did good?" "anyway?" "I guess you did better than I did." "I never got any B's. maybe you'd bring me a present. you didn't bring me any presents." "Even though I'm a dipshit loser." "kid!" "Why do you talk about yourself that way?" "!" "all right?" "Take a look at me." "Do I look like Santa Claus?" "I'm living fucking proof that there's not a Santa Claus." "I know there's no Santa." "I just thought maybe you'd want to give me a present 'cause we're friends." "There he is." "motherfucker." "Gin." "Good night." "and Joseph." "What is the problem now?" "I'm sorry." "The van stalled." "please?" "I'll be dipped in dog shit." "Do I look like an auto mechanic to you?" "I appreciate it." "help yourself." "I can't reach it." "give me that." "Thanks." "hit it." "my." "What a terrible accident." "Mm-mm-mmm." "Is he dead?" "No." "But it looks like you broke most of his ribs." "or do you think 30%?" "I needed more of a running start." "I couldn't build up enough speed." "Merry Christmas Eve." "Got you a little something." "You shouldn't have." "You should put that stuff in the kitchen." "you look good." "Here you go." "sweetie?" "We don't need any more of this shit." "Christmas keeps us connected to each other in peace." "The angel is going to tell everyone in the world." "Aspirin?" "As in olden days" "Happy golden days of yore" "Faithful friends who are dear to us" "Gather near to us once more we all will be together" "If the fates allow we'll have to muddle through somehow" "So have yourself a merry little Christmas now we all will be together" "If the fates allow" "Hang a shining star upon the highest bough" "And have yourself" "A merry little Christmas" "Now" "Shit!" "Jesus." "Santa?" "What?" "I was gonna make sandwiches." "I could make you one before you leave." "I don't know." "I got shit to do and everything." "make me some sandwiches." "I gotta go to the mall and talk to somebody." "I'll be back." "For dinner?" "that's what I said." "Yeah." "How many sandwiches do you want?" "a bunch." "How much lettuce do you want?" "I don't know." "The usual amount." "Whatever the hell people do." "Whatever you think." "Okay." "Have a very merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "Good night." "Merry Christmas." "Good night." "Good night." "Okay!" "Happy holiday!" "shoppers." "The store will be closing in five minutes. and a joyous Kwanzaa." "hold it steady." "let's do it." "Christ." "Merry Christmas." "Good night." "Willie." "Up your ass." "Aaaah!" "Whoa!" "shit." "What?" "What?" "It's a Kitnerboy Redoubt." "So?" "Remember Andy Pitz?" "Andy Pitzorella?" "Yeah." "Andy Ripitski." "Andy Pitzorella was Andy Blue Balls." "they call him Andy Pitzorella." "What's your fucking point?" "!" "They say he can get into anything." "Anything." "They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy." "And that's a good thing?" "So what the fuck are you getting at? he told me that the Kitnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked." "Are you shittin' me? danced for all those fucking housewives that you cannot get in this fucking safe?" "!" "Is that what you're telling me?" "!" "Huh?" "!" "I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute." "Fuck." "Shit." "34C." "Fuck!" "Piece of cake." "I gotta get one more thing." "I'll be right back." "shit." "Which one did he say?" "I'll bet the store dick don't want this." "Store dick don't want shit." "What do you mean?" "Store dick's dead." "Store dick don't want shit." "huh?" "I didn't even know he was sick." "Willie... this has been a long time coming." "less reliable." "More booze." "More bullshit." "More buttfucking." "the three B's." "Willie." "You people are monsters." "There's no joy in this for me." "I'm not talking about you taking me out." "I get." "But look at all that shit." "Do you really need all that shit?" "it's Christmas." "Willie." "But this is what we do." "We get the shit." "we get the shit." "Because we are men and Lois." "Willie." "And we are men and Lois." "honey?" "plug him." "Willie." "Drop the gun." "Huh?" "!" "drop the elephant." "Where did you come from?" "Tipped off." "that fucking kid." "it's almost unbelievable." "hop on!" "Fuck me." "hey!" "and the kid's getting his fucking present." "police!" "Put your hands up!" "I said freeze!" "Freeze!" "Aaaah!" "Aaaah!" ""Dear kid..." "I hope that you got my present" "which didn't keep me from enjoying it." "I guess. "" "I'm also sending you a T-shirt." "I hope it's the right size. "" "which is fucked anyway." "Ha ha ha." "Thank you for giving that letter to the cops." "but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass." "which is gonna keep my ass out of jail." "plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. "" "which is new in my experience." "They're gonna make me a sensitivity counselor so that tragedies like this will never again embarrass the whole fucking department." "so they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister watching you till your dad gets back in one year and three months." "They made her a guardian pro tem or some such shit." "she seems to like you and your house and Jacuzzi." "you can probably get her to buy you something." "I'm sorry to have to tell you mail-order wife are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad." "I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did." "so get some sandwiches ready." "least of all yourself." "Ho ho ho." "Santa. "" "loser." "I hear your buddy's not here to protect you anymore." "See you got me a new bike." "Thanks a lot." "fat-ass!" "Aaah!" "And it wouldn't be Christmas without you" "I know it's true merry la la la" "And it wouldn't be Christmas without you" "I know it's true merry la la la" "Making my friends out of snow and I'm all alone" "But it won't bring me down" "'Cause Christmas cheer is all around" "And it wouldn't be Christmas without you" "I know it's true merry la la la" "And it wouldn't be Christmas without you" "I know it's true merry la la la" "Santa Claus is flying high across the frosty winter sky" "I'm gonna find him and my toys" "He's in a band that just makes noise" "And it wouldn't be Christmas without you" "I know it's true merry la la la" "And it wouldn't be Christmas without you" "I know it's true merry la la la" "Christmas" "The snow's coming down" "Christmas" "I'm watching it fall" "Christmas" "Watching the people around" "Christmas please come home" "They're singing "Deck the Halls"" "But it's not like Christmas at all" "I remember when you were here" "And all the fun we had last year please come home" " Christmas" " Ohhhhh" " Christmas please come home" " Christmas" " Baby" " Christmas"