"(Both spit)" "I like how things aren't weird between us." "Right?" "'Cause if somebody walked in here and saw us, they'd be, like, "Look at those two totally normal roommates." "I bet they never sucked face." But we did." "You sucked my face." "I sucked your face." " You did." " Who cares?" " You totally sucked my face." " Sorry that I touched your hand there." " It was accidental." "Like, who acc...?" " Yeah." "I mean, which is cool, 'cause that's the thing." "It's, like, we're just roommates." "Who cares?" "We're just cool." " I totally agree." "Yes." " You know what I mean?" "Let's reward ourselves, 'cause we're doing so well." "Table for two, fanciest restaurant in town." "Yeah, and then we could have sex." "(Laughs) (Laughs)" " Just joking, I was just jok" " I was just joking." " Yeah, no, I know it was a joke." "Spot." "There's-There's a parking spot." "I just finished rinsing out the Dumpster, and while I was buffing the backside, I found this" "4D." "So, who gets the spot?" " Me." " You know what?" "I never get anything." " I would like it." " I need a win." "(Overlapping chatter)" "Give me the spot, or I'll kill you all!" "♪ Who's that girl?" "♪" "♪ Who's that girl?" "♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪" "(Whistles)" "I park under an overpass." "Guys, guys, guys, guys." "We all have crappy parking." "Guys, why don't we just all share the spot?" "We'll each get it for a day and a half every week, and then we split Sunday into six-hour shifts." "Does it say "Share stuff" in the Constitution of America?" "No, it does not." "Nicholas, what does it say?" "Don't share stuff." "No one deserves that spot more than I do." "(Phone chimes)" "You know?" "'Cause Lord knows, I've done my fair... share of... spotworthy things." "(Whistles) What are you doing?" "I'm sorry." "Daisy travels so much, and I work at night, so, you know, our sex window is..." "like..." "I've lived in this loft as long, if not longer, than anyone." "I have the crummiest room, I'm on 24-hour grout watch." "(Mutters) I pay the lion's share of the utilities, do I not?" "I refuse to pay for the wiffi." "It's WiFi." "I didn't even have to tell you guys about the spot." "Why did I tell you guys about the spot?" "Oh, damn it!" "I'm the dumbest boy in school!" "As the only woman in the loft..." "Don't play the lady card." " I will play the lady card." " Race card." "Lazy drunk card." "Deserves-the-spot card." "Do I not, every day, have to deal with Outside Dave?" "Dave?" "I have to use my car now, Dave." "I work so hard, I just want some sleep!" "Dave, I'm gonna go get some coffee." "Um, can I get you anything?" "2% latte." "He throws dentures at me, he doesn't like cookies." "Because I believe so strongly in women's equality," "I refuse to give you preferential treatment." "Well, that's really cool, Schmidt." "I really..." "Wait a minute." "(Phone chimes) WINSTON:" "Oh." "Sex window." "(Sighs)" "Now, if you all will excuse me," "I am about to go and park my car on her parking spot." " Ew." "Ew!" "Get out." " As if there was anything more important than this." "I still want the spot, though." "Obviously not getting the spot." "And then there were three." "That's right." "Just the way I want it." "Come on!" "It's a good job, guys." "Yes!" "How do you two care about stuff so much?" "Well, you know what this means, Jessica, don't you?" "Nicholas Miller is now a swing vote." " What?" "No!" " He's right, 'cause we're both voting for ourselves, so that makes you the decider." "You two are on your own." "I'm out." "You can't escape destiny." "She comes for us all, that relentless bitch." "That's right." "Destiny's a lady." "Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis." "Direct quote" " Scott Caan." "(Knocking) Yup." "Hey." "I found one of your hoodies, and I borrowed it." "You want to know what I'm wearing underneath this shirt?" "Yeah, sure." "An invisible shirt." "I'm confused, Jess." "These are so long." "Oh." "I wouldn't put that in your mouth." " Do you chew on this?" " I do." "Mmm." "You do, huh?" "It's crunchy." " Oh." " You get hit in the head or something?" " Hmm?" " Are you flirting with me to get the spot?" "How dare you accuse me of that." " The parking spot is yours." " Really?" " Yeah." " Thanks, Nick." "That's so cool of you." "Sometimes I can be a gentleman, believe it or not." " Cool." " Cool." "All right." " Well, thank you." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Get in here." "Yeah, we can..." "Let's hug this out." "(Screaming)" "Purple nurple!" "Thank you." "(Gasps)" "I don't know why I did that." "I'll get ice." "Why did you do that?" "Oh, finally." "What took you so long?" "I said 2:45, not 3:08." "I couldn't follow your directions." "I'm telling you, girl, this complex is like a maze." "Every building in this place looks exactly the same." "And for future reference," "I'm more of a left-right kind of guy, not so much" " a north-south kind of guy." " Put on a condom." "Hmm..." "I don't, uh..." "You forgot a condom?" " You got a grocery bag?" " No." " Tin foil?" " No." " Hand sanitizer?" " No." "You got a shower cap and a twist tie?" "You didn't bring the one thing we need to have sex?" " What about a baseball cap that's really small?" " Are you serious?" "Um, I got quick reflexes." "Mm, I'm gonna take care of this, okay?" "Okay, well, look, do not waste my time." "I will be back faster than you can say," ""Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already."" "Don't-don't say that, though." "Do not..." "Wait for me." "Wait... (Door closes)" "Who wants an ice-cold Heisler, all dressed up in a frosty mug?" " Sure." "I like beer." " I know you haven't officially decided on the spot yet, but I just wanted to say, thanks, man." "What for, Schmidt?" "We both know that you're gonna give the spot to me, but I love that you're keeping up the charade." "Spot's going to Jess." " Jess?" " Jess." " Give me the beer back." " I'm trying to be a gentleman." "Hey, Schmidt." "Hey, Nick." "Oh." " How you doing?" " Good." "How are you?" "Good." " What the hell?" " Hmm?" "What... the hell?" "I'm checking my e-mails." "Oh." "Okay." "Think that I'm blind?" "Think I can't smell it?" "You think I can't hear it?" "The stench of filth and lust is all over this room." "Smells like freaking Tijuana." "What... happened here?" " Nothing." " Hardly anything." "Hardly anything?" "!" "NICK:" "You know I'm not good at this, Jess." "Shut up." "Okay, fine." "We kissed." "Eh." "(Scoffs)" "It was nothing." "So?" "Uh, moving on." "Don't be weird about this, Schmidt." "Remember..." "I mean, it was like a dare, basically." "Yeah." "Mazel... tov to the both of you." "Well, I don't know what "Mazel tov" means, but it doesn't sound good." "Excuse me, excuse me, sorry about that." "Emergency." "Emergency." "Sorry about that." "I need a condom." "(Sighs) That'll be $8.75." "All right." "What the hell?" "What the...?" "Damn it, took Daisy's pants." "Look, I don't have any money right now, but, you know, I have somebody waiting for me, so if you could just, you know?" " Next." " Wait." "No." "No, no, no, no." "Uh, look, what about that box of condoms right there, man?" "They're practically open, right?" "How about you just slide one out and throw a brother a loosie?" "Next." "MAN:" "Come on." "(Sighs) Hey, everybody." "What's up?" "My name is Winston Bishop, and I am in desperate need..." "of a condom." "CLERK:" "Okay, that's it." "WINSTON:" "Now hear me out." " Okay?" "Okay." " Come on." "Sorry, folks." "NICK:" "Hey, Schmidt?" "Hello, Schmidt?" "You okay?" " Who?" "Me?" " Yeah." "Yeah, look, guys, I'm fine." "Look, I admit, at first I was thrown, but I'm fine." "Are you seriously doing this?" "!" "I can't believe this!" "This is so dumb!" "I'm sorry." "I'm just..." "I'm trying to process this whole thing." "Nick, you're my best friend, and you should have told me." "And Jess, what do you think?" "Mono is just some sort of joke?" "Nothing has changed." "Like same old, same old." "Except for the fact that, uh, pre-kiss Jess didn't have a parking spot." "Post-kiss Jess does." "Sounds..." "like... change." "I won the spot fair and square, Schmidt." "Did you, though?" "I wouldn't say fair and square." "(Scoffs) All right." "Fine." "I used my body." "Is that what you want to hear?" "I shook what the good people of Oregon gave me, and I got a parking space." "Let me tell you something, Nicholas Miller." "You know, had Winston kissed me, you're the first person I would have told!" "I know you would have told me if Winston kissed you." "But I guess your loyalty lies elsewhere." "I can't handle this!" "Fine." "Schmidt, congratulations." "The spot is yours." "Okay." "Really." "It's him." "What?" "!" "Nick Miller, you weakling." "I can't have people thinking my decision wasn't above board." "This city can't have another scandal!" " Wise choice. (Laughs)" " Thanks." "He's been manipulating you the whole time." " Look at him." " I don't think..." "Look at his smi-- he's smiling evilly." "You know what, Jess?" "Stop." "You're manipulating me, he's manipulating me, and I'm getting confused." "I am the decider of us three!" "I decide!" "Let the decider decide!" "I am not the suggester!" "I'm not having a good time with this game." "Give my regards to Outside Dave." "Stay away from my space... or you'll have this to deal with." "S..." "Where are your nipples, man?" "I'll never tell." "(Laughing quietly)" "You're either gonna break your finger, or you're gonna break that button." "I'm not going back in there." "It's too weird." "(Sighs) You're the one making it weird, Nick." "You want weird?" "I'll give you weird." "Weird, weird, weird." "Fine." "Weirder, weirder, weirder." "Weird, weird, weird." "Uh, weird, right, ugh." "Weird." "(Grunts) Weird." "Weird." " Weird, weirder, weird." " Weird, weird." " Weird, weird." " Weird." " Weird!" "Weird." "Weird!" " What are we doing?" "!" "I don't know!" "You started it!" " Is this how it's gonna be?" "Is it?" " What are we talking about, Jess?" "You think things like this aren't gonna come up all the time?" "We need a long-term solution." "I'll give you a long-term solution." "I'm taking the spot!" "Oh, my God." "What is all the commotion?" " He's taking the spot!" " He can't do that!" "Kill him, kill him-- you said you'd kill him!" " Now kill him!" "Now's your chance!" " Oh, for heaven's sakes." "NICK:" "First car in the spot gets it." "Aah!" "(Jess whimpering)" "Aw, damn it!" "You middled me again?" "!" "I'm not to be middled;" "It's in my contract." "Shoot!" "Excuse me." "Aah!" "Hey, five bucks if you help me fold this nicely." "I'm not going above six, so don't negotiate with me." "(Tires screech) Aah!" "Go, go, sorry, go." "Oh, I'm sorry, I-- okay, sorry, go." "Move it, you wacky bitch!" "It won't start." "(Grunts)" "Help me push it!" "(Grunts)" "Get behind it." "Back in the box!" "(Meowing) Aw, cats." "Hey, hey, buddy." "(Tires screeching)" "What?" "(Laughs)" "Mine." "The laws of parking require a vehicle." "This is my vehicle." "This is my vehicle." "Don't." "Don't you do it, Schmidt." "I'm not afraid." "Schmidt, no." " You just hit me." " Damn right I did." "You're sitting right in the middle" " of the spot." " You hit me with your car over a parking spot, Schmidt." "Get out of the spot!" "(Tires screeching) Jess." "Move or I will hit you." "I want that spot." " No." " Have you lost your mind?" " Not a joke, move, move." " No." " What are you doing, Jess?" " Move, move." "Jess, stop it." "What are you doing?" "Stop the car, you lunatic." "She's insane." " No-- oh!" " O-h!" "No, no!" "What is she doing?" "What is going on?" "Can't believe I'm going down like this." "You're not in the space!" "Okay, all right, mine, mine, I'm not leaving." "NICK:" "I'm not leaving either." "I have a purse full of hard candy and an empty bladder." "I'm here all night, folks." " I'm here all night." " I'm here all night." " I'm here all night." " I-- that's what I said." "I'm really happy you gave me another shot." "Yeah, so am I." "You know, you, you can't judge someone based on their friends." "No, and I feel like, if you gave them another chance, you'd really like them." " They are down to earth and chill, no drama." " Yeah?" "(Pounding on door) WINSTON:" "Hey, Cece, it's Winston!" "You got a rubber?" "!" "I need a rubber." "(Pounding on door)" "He said "rhubarb," that's how he pronounces "rhubarb"" "It's so weird." "Nah, nah, I-I need a condom for my penis!" "What are you doing?" "Okay, we're not close enough for this." "Alright, we have spent very little time together." "You are the only person that I know in this neighborhood." "Don't you dare come in my house." "Hey, man, hey." "Hey." "I'm Winston, good to see you again." " Shivrang, Hi." " You got a condom on you?" "Oh, no, no, look that's not, We're, um...." "Her mother and my mother... (Clears throat) I'm a chemical engineer." " Winston," "Look, Shivrang, man to man, I know you have a condom in your wallet, but the question to you is:" "Do you actually think you' gonna get lucky with a a sexy lady like that?" "You know, I feel like I'm getting lucky by just being here." "Be honest with me." "Ok, fine, I've got a condom." " Aha!" " Winston." " Is he going to need that condom tonight?" " Oh, God." " I'm gonna punch you in the face." " Shall I give you a minute to think about it?" " 'Cause I can wait." " I'm gonna wring your damn neck." " This is awful, like, really..." " Okay, okay." "Get out." " This is worse than last time." " Honestly, physically removing you now." " I'm going." " Out of my house." "It's a sour ball, not a bank safe." "Just open the candy." " Are you hungry?" " Yes, I'm starving." "Why don't you go upstairs to the kitchen?" "It's full of food." "Just give me the damn candy." " Go get it." " Wait, no, no, no." "Aah." "Okay, I have, like, a stabbing pain, it's-- and it's, and it's like right here." "It's my pishy." "I, I have to pish." "I think we should take a break." " Leave and you're out." " Drown in your own urine." "I got to find a condom." "I need a condom!" "But I still want the spot." "Come on, come on, come on, Nick, come on." "(Stammers)" "Okay." "Condom, condom, condom." "Damn it." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Here we go... here we go." "I mean, she's either having crazy amounts of sex or she does not know how to use these things." "(Groans)" "Oh, just focus, man, bring it in." "Absorb it." "(Sighs)" "Yeah." "Did you just pee inside your body?" "Yes." "This is your fault, Nick." "You compromised the whole loft." "We had an agreement." "When Jessica Day signed that lease, you, me, and Coach all took a no-nail oath." "No-nail oath?" "I didn't break the no-nail oath." "Your mouth nailed her mouth." "For the record, no one nailed my mouth." "That's important to me." "Also, we didn't do anything wrong." "Do you know nothing about men?" "Yeah, I know nothing about men." "That's why I'm wearing a short skirt and wool tights." "A woman cannot be in close quarters with three men and kiss one of them." "What fuels men?" "Competition and sex." "That's why the United Nations was formed, that's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships, and that is why there is a no-nail oath in apartment 4D, and deep down inside, Nick knows that I'm right." "Mm-hmm, back me up here, Nick." "I just want a piece of candy." "Are you serious?" "You didn't give me the spot and now you won't back me up?" " You coward." " Why should he?" "Because he-- because..." "Because, what, you kissed, and now he owes you some sort of emotional support and loyalty?" "Reason number two for the no-nail oath-- bitches be crazy." "(Laughs)" "Isn't that right, Nick?" "I found garbage that has chocolate on it." "Daisy, I'm back." "(Gasps)" "Daisy." "Hey, Daisy," "I'm here!" "Where you at?" "!" "I don't have my phone, and all these buildings look alike, and I..." "Hey, Daisy!" " You know Daisy?" "MAN:" "Shut up." "No?" "All right, okay, cool." "Now, I walked around with "yum"" "on my butt all day." "I deserve sex-- protected sex." "Daisy...!" "Schmidt's right." "I thought we could go back to the way things were, but we can't." "You nailed my mouth... and you nailed it good and hard and strong." "Now things have changed." "Okay, but they don't have to have changed." "It's just different, Nick, it is." "That kiss was the dumbest mistake I have ever made-- dumber than Caroline, dumber than law school, dumber than when I thought it was pronounced" ""Brock Omabrama."" " What?" " I thought his name was pronounced "Brock Oma..."" "It's not..." "If I could go back in time and take back the kiss, I would." "I would take it back, I regret it." "Congratulations, you're the proud owner of a new parking spot." "Oh, you got to be kidding me." "Jess, wait." "You realize, every second that you don't run after her, you become more and more of a buttwad, don't you?" "Did you pee yourself?" "That I did, that I did." " Jess." " Hi." "Hey, look..." "Why you holding a box of fish sticks?" "Because I'm going to go scare the feral cats away that live in my current parking spot, Nick." "I'm going to throw fish sticks at them while singing "Memory," and don't you dare criticize me." "I don't regret kissing you." "(Sighs)" "I regret what it did, I regret that it made things weird." "We are roommates, you know, we got to figure this out, Jess." "A no-nail oath?" "You thought I was going to sleep with one of you, like I just couldn't help it?" "It was me, Jess, I couldn't help it." "(Box drops)" "You dropped your fish sticks." "Shut up, Nick." "Ay, ay, ay." "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." " We're having a conversation." " Will you please get out of here?" "Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it?" "Because I live here, too, and I'm gonna be here when all of this goes to crap." "Next time you guys have your dirty little thoughts about each other, you better be thinking about me, too, because I ain't going nowhere." "You are literally sitting in a puddle of your own pee." "The apartment 4D no-nail oath right here:" ""We, the undersigned," ""Agree never to nail our roommate Jessica Day" ""unless the sex can be parlayed into a business that provides for all parties involved."" " What?" " I didn't read the fine print." ""If one of the undersigned nails said female, well, then all must nail her."" " What?" "!" " I didn't know there was fine print." " What, what?" "!" " I didn't know there was fine..." "JESS:" "Let me be very clear here" " I am a strong, self-sufficient woman, and I will not be nailing you, Schmidt, or Nick or Schmidt." "Notice I said that twice because I don't feel it's sinking in." "There will be no nails or screws or hammers in this building area generally, the whole thing." "What, do you think that I want to do this?" "Believe me, pass." "I just don't want my home turning into a den of sexual tension and lies." "Now, do you want things to go back to normal or not?" " Yes." " Yes, I do, but I..." "Then, I just have to kiss you." "This is just one of those things-- let's just do it..." "No, I-I get past it, we move on." "I think that's a bad idea." "Nick, you're into this, right?" "I don't know, might help." "Are you serious?" "I don't know." "Okay, fine, just get over here and do it and do it fast." " I'll be a hero." " Bring it on." "Mmm..." "Aah." " Ooh." " No." " No." " Mistake." " It was really a mistake." " A big mi" " I made it weirder." "Is everyone in the world having sex but me?" "!" "Old people, foreigners, nerds." "Everyone's banging." "Schmidt and Jess?" "!" "Everyone is out there getting and giving except for old Winnie." "Look at me-- a man who has absolutely nothing." "I left my phone, my wallet, and my dignity at Daisy's house." "I even left my pants there-- look at this." "(All laughing) Yum." "Yum." "I need a win, damn it, I need a win." "You need a win, pal." "(Laughs)" "Yeah." "It's a little tight in here." "Are you sure this isn't too tight?" "Okay, um... (Car alarm blaring) Uh-uh, this ain't gonna work." "This ain't gonna work for me." "Uh," "I'm stuck." "Guys, hey, guys." "Hey, where y'all...?" "Guys... guys..." "Guys!" "Hello?"