"This is CNN." "The CNN-Univision Democratic Debate:" "America Votes 2008." "Good evening, and welcome to the Lyndon B. Johnson Auditorium... in Austin, Texas, for this historic debate... between the remaining 2 candidates... seeking the Democratic nomination for President." "Illinois senator Barack Obama... and New York senator Hillary Rodham Clinton." "I'm Campbell Brown, and I will be the moderator tonight." "With questions coming from my colleagues:" "CNN Chief National Correspondent, John King... and Univision anchor, Jorge Ramos." "Like nearly everyone in the news media... the three of us are totally "in the tank" for Senator Obama." "We will make every effort tonight to keep these bias hidden... but, should it become obvious, please remember we're only human." "I, myself, have been clinically diagnosed... as an Oba-maniac." "While my associate, John King, just last week... suffered his third Barack-Attack." "As for Jorge Ramos, he is clearly... just obsessed with Senator Obama... kind of... to an unhealthy degree, really, and well..." "I guess you could just call him a stalker." "Now, let's meet the candidates." "Just four years ago, Barack Obama was known... only as a brilliant, charasmatic and universally admired member... of the Illinois State Senate." "Today, he is one of our nation's truly visionary leaders... and soon, knock on wood, the first Black President of the United States." "Senator Barack Obama." "In 1992, Hillary Clinton's husband, William Jefferson Clinton... became the 42nd President of the United States." "A few years after that, he cheated on her again... and she was able to ride the ensuing wave of sympathy into the U.S. Senate... against a weak Republican opponent... in an overwhelmingly Democratic state." "In the Senate, she is widely known as a good listener... with an excellent attendance record." "And our first question is for Senator Obama, from Jorge Ramos." "Senator Obama... are you comfortable?" "Is there anything we can get for you?" "No." "Thank you." "I'm fine." "John King, a follow-up?" "Senator Obama, a minute ago, Jorge Ramos... asked if there was anything we could get you, and you said... quote: "No, thank you." "I'm fine." My question is:" "Are you sure?" "Because it's, you know, it's really no trouble." "I am quite sure." "Thank you, though." "And our next question is for Senator Clinton." "Again, from John King." "Senator Clinton, less than two months ago... you were the heavy favorite to be the Democratic nominee." "Since that time, you have lost 31 of 38 primaries... and caucuses to Senator Obama... including the last eleven straight." "Now, do you still believe... you can win this nomination?" "My goodness, John." "This process is far from over... and I think it's a little premature to start counting us out." "Well, a few nights ago you lost badly to Senator Obama in Wisconsin." "In theory, isn't that a state you should have won?" "Not at all, John." "Frankly, we never expected to win Wisconsin." " He also beat you in Virginia." " It was always our intention... to lose Virginia." "Well, what about Maryland?" "You lost there by twenty points." "John, getting blown out by Senator Obama in Maryland... has been a dream of mine since childhood." "And just in the last two weeks, Senator Obama... has been making major inroads among your main supporters... blue collar workers, Catholics and women." "John!" "Apparently... someone forgot to tell that to white women over eighty." "Because we're doing very well there... just under 50%." "Now, as is customary at these debates... we're going to have a questin from an ordinary citizen... chosen completely at random from our audience." "Tonight's questioner is:" "Obama Girl." "Senator Obama?" "I can't wait til 2008" "Baby, you're the best candidate" "Yes, I got a crush on Obama" "I got a crush on Obama." "Excuse me, I'm sorry..." "I really have to say something here." "First of all, that wasn't even a question... second, she was lip-synching... and third, I really find it diffiult to believe... this particular questioner was chosen at random." "Senator Clinton, if you ever... interrupt Obama Girl again..." "I will personally escort you from this building." "Do I make myself clear?" "I'm sorry." "I thought she was finished." "I think you owe Obama Girl and the people of this nation... an enormous Obam-apology." "Obama Girl, please continue." "On Obama, Barack Obama" "Our next question is also for Senator Obama... and comes from Jorge Ramos." "Senator Obama..." "Oh, God!" "I'm so nervous!" "I still can't believe I'm actually talking to you." "That's okay." "Take your time." "Okay." "As you know, Senator... as I explained in the letter that I duct-taped to your front door..." "I'm sorry that it went on so long, I just..." "I just really, really want you to be the next President." "And not just because you're a fantastic human being... and the only person who can turn this nation around... but, you know, also because, deep down, I really and truly believe... that it is destiny that you and I will one day be together." "That, you will become a part of me and I will become a part of you." "Joined as one." "Does that make sense?" "Yeah, I guess." "Sure." "Okay." "So, my question is:" "Are you mad at me?" "No." "Not at all." "Good!" "I was afraid that you might be mad at me because... you know, all the shilling for you in my campaign coverage has been so obvious... and because I spend every night sitting in front of your house in a parked car." "You know, Jorge, as I travel around this country..." "I'm hearing the same sentiments from every journalist I meet." "Like the local TV anchor in Columbus, Ohio... who brazenly wears an "Obama for President" button... as he reads the news." "Or the political reporter in Elko, Nevada... who rides around every evening after work... vandalizing Hillary's yard signs." "But for too long in this country... the press has been hearing the same old refrain:" ""Just give us the news, not your personal opinions."" "And they're tired, they're tired of being told:" ""You journalists have to stay neutral." "You can't openly take sides in a political campaign."" "And they're saying:" ""Yes, we can." "Yes, we can take sides." "Yes, we can."" "Wow!" " Bullseye!" " Nothin' but net!" "Well, there's obviously no way anyone on Earth could possibly follow that." " Well, actually..." " So, this continues tonight's debate." "From all of us, here in Austin:" "Good night... and "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" "Thank you!" "Thank you very much!" "Wow, it is an honor to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live"... on the first show back from the Writer's Strike of ought-seven..." "TV is back!" "And it's great to be back here with our crew." "We went on strike, and they missed twelve weeks of work... because of that, and it's just good to be here with them... and know there are no hard feelings." "Okay, maybe a little tension." "But the strike was very important to the future of our industry... and I am proud to be able to tell you tonight... that the Writer's Guild of America... has negotiated a deal with the studios... that would raise the rate of writer compensation... for ad-supported electronic sale through downloads... from a flate rate of $600 for 26 weeks per 1,000 downloads... to a percentage of .036% of the distributor's gross... of any ad revenue generated by said treaming... after an initial window of 17 days... starting in three years." "So, yeah!" "Anyway, I am honored to be here..." "I was a writer here for nine years... and I've always thought of myself more as a writer than a performer..." "Oh boy, oh boy!" "Steve!" "what are you doing here, Steve?" "Well, Tina, I was just sitting home watching the show... and I heard you say that you felt more like a writer than a performer... and I said, "I've gotta get up there and help that girl."" " Wow." "That's pretty fast." " Because, tonight, of all nights... it's so important that you are NOT a writer that you are a performer!" " Be a performer." "Yeah." " Do you think you can do it?" " I don't know if I'm really up to it..." "Right... you're right, I needed that, yeah..." "You know, Tina..." "I was once small like you." "People forget that I got my start as a writer, and why do they forget?" "Because I wanted them to forget." "I wanted to be a star!" "Look at you, all slouched over, like a writer." "All apologetic." "Look at those writers, you don't want to end up like them!" "All weak, and all weak and... and young!" "Now, stand up straight!" "Now, take off those glasses!" " You know, put 'em back on again." " Okay." "But, you know why?" "Because it's a trademark... and people love trademarks!" "You've gotta stay loose and playful!" "A writer lives up here!" "A performer works from the guts!" " You got bike shorts or something?" " Don't worry about it." "Now, let me hear you say it:" ""I can do it!"" " I can do it!" " Now, say it a little louder now!" " I can do it!" " A little softer now." " I can do it." " Now, say like you're like you're in an old-fashioned movie!" " I can do it!" " Now, say it like a cartoon mouse!" " I can do it!" "Now, say it like a like a cartoon mouse in Spanish!" "¡Lo puedo hacer!" "Now, say it like a drunk Chinese woman!" "I can dew eet!" "You know what I think?" "I think you can do it!" "I think I can do it!" " What was that one for?" " That one was just for fun!" "That was for fun, too?" "No, that's the Comedy Rule of Three." " Now, introduce the show!" " Okay!" "We've got a great show Carrie Underwood is here!" " Carrie Underwood?" "Stick around, we'll be right back!" "What if you could have your period just once a year?" "My period?" "Once a year?" "Once a year?" "I'd like that!" "New Annuale extends the time between your period by 11 months." "How does it work?" "Each Annuale pack has 44 weeks of active pills... instead of the usual 3... keeping you on a constant stream fo hormones... so your time of the month can be just once a year." "That's all I have time for." "And, when it is time for your period... hold on to your fucking hat." "Annuale's not for everyone." "Do not take if you are using MAiO Inhibitors... or if your occupation requires you to operate heavy machinery." "Do not take Annuale if you plan to ever become pregnant... as it may turn your baby into a firemonster." "In the days around your period, you may develop a leathery tail." "Annuale may cause you to develop a second vagina." "Notify authorities in your town when your period is imminent... as they may want to incarcerate you pre-emptively like a wolfman." "Ask your doctor if Annuale is right for you." "And if she says it is, go to a store, buy a hat... and get ready to hold the fuck on to it!" "We're not kidding." "That's a play on words, I just got that!" "Shut up!" "Here it comes!" "This has been the toughest season ever... in the two seasons of "Rock of Love"." "I'm just having a devil of a time deciding which one... of this smoking hot, hotties... is my one true love and sex mate." "You know, its days like this I wish I wasn't Bret Michaels... but I am." "So I'm just doing what any other regular guy would do to find love... have VH1 fill a McMansion in Reseda with dicey strippers... put them in bikinis and then have them smash dirt bikes into each other." "What can I say?" "I'm a romantic." "Ladies, this has been a long road... and you're all amazing women." "But one of you has to go home tonight because..." "Every rose has its thorn" "When I first met Bret I was like: "Oh my God... he's the man of my dreams" and I was like "I hope he picks me"... and then I was like "did someone slip something in my drink?"" "and then I was like "where am I?"" "and then I was like "yeah, we're at Bret's house"." "Just like every night has its dawn" "I'm just getting really scared... cause Bret and I aren't connecting... and that's because Bret and I haven't had enough face-time!" "The only time we did get face-time I tried to kiss him... and he pushed my face away and that guy will make out with anything." "One time I saw him making out with a pair of sweat pants!" "Face-time!" "Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song" "Every rose has its thorn" "Yeah, I'm late, I'm late!" "I'm late!" "Who cares?" "I'm also hot... and I'm rocking one leg!" "Jealous?" "Here's why I'm going to win Bret's heart." "I can do the worm, I've served jail time..." "I got mad skin tags... and I'm rocking one leg, bro!" "So, which one of you bitches is coming in second?" "I got four beautiful ladies up here and I've only got three passes so hey, what was that?" " What?" "Are you blind?" "It was a chicken McNugget!" " Amber, why would you do that?" " Because I need attention." "Amber, I got to tell you, I just can't figure you out." "Good!" "I don't wanna be figured out!" " You're very complicated." " You're very complicated!" "And you only got one leg." "Which I got to say, I find a little sexy." "Yeah, I know you do." "I just want to say that I'm here for you, Bret!" "Oh my God, I'm at Bret's house!" "I just need some face-time!" "OK." "Big John, can I have the first pass, please?" "You got it, Bret Michaels." "Christy Jo, will you come down here, please?" "Christy Jo, do you promise to stay in my house and continue to rock my world?" " Oh my God!" "Of course..." "I'm so here for you!" "Good." "But remember what I told you..." "I need to to get to know the inside of your mouth better." "Ok." "Yeah." "Big John, can I get the next pass, please?" " I got it right here, Bret Michaels." " Thanks Big John." "Peyton, will you get down here, please?" "Face-time!" "All right, here's your pass." "Now look, I needed to pick three people this week... so you're staying... but I can't reiterate enough how unattracted I am to you." "No, no." "Face-time!" "All right, I only got one pass left." "Good." "I only got one leg left." " Big John!" " Bret Michaels." "Daisy, will you come down here, please?" " Daisy?" " Yeah?" "Daisy I..." "no, don't." "Trust me." "Look Daisy, will you stay in this house and continue to rock my world?" "Oh, my God!" "Yeah!" "I love you Bret, I love you more than anything..." "That's good." "That was real good." "It felt good." "It looked good." "Ok." "That was good." "Amber?" "I'm afraid that means your tour ends here." " Good." " Will you come down here, please?" "Fine." "I was going that way anyway." "I'm sorry, Amber." "Are you farting?" "Yeah, I farted." "Jealous?" "Am I jealous that you're farting?" " Amber, it is time for you to go." " Yeah, I know it is time for me to go... cause and I'm late!" "I got a million shows lined up... that I'm gonna hop on over to find love." ""I Love New York", "Flavor of Love"..." ""Celebrity Rehab", "Scott Baio is 50", "Tim Gunn"..." ""Dog Whisperer", "The Perfect Shot", "The Real Housewives"..." ""How Clean is your House" and "Cash Cab"!" "Because you know who has two thumbs... one leg and has the skills to pay the bills?" "This guy!" "Yeah, Boy-hee!" "Oh..." "Hi." "Has this ever happened to you?" "You're watching a movie and you get confused or scared... because you don't recognize anyone?" "Well, you're not alone." "I used to get scared all the time." "But not anymore." "Because my wife took all the movies... and put my grandkids in them." "They're good boys... and they're pretty good actors... and now, you can enjoy them, too." "Because I'm selling copies of what my wife did." "Check out this scene from "No Country for Old Men"." "Y'all gettin' any rain up here in a while?" "What business is it of yours, where I'm from Friendo?" "Hi Grandpa!" "Hi!" "Did you see them?" "They're the ones behind the counter." "Thank God my wife did that." "I love her so much, even though we sleep in separate beds now." "Check out this scene from Michael Clayton." "Right now, there's a BCI unit pulling pay chips of a..." "That phone's in the movie, Grandpa." "That's not your phone." " Don't get it." " Your okay." " Hi!" " Hi!" "I like how it was them instead of some stranger in the movie." "How about these other films and the new words they're saying?" "I don't understand anything... like in this scene from "Juno"." "Third test today, mama bear." "Your eggo is preggo." "He's saying that he thinks she's pregnant, grandpa." "Your little boyfriend's get meat in sperms... knocked you up twice." "I'm not actually sure what he meant that time, Grandpa." "Hang on." "That ain't gonna let you sketch... this is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet." "Okay, fast-forward, Grandpa, it gets better." "Hi Grandpa!" "You know, they also give me a heads-up when things get a bit chaotic." "Now take this scene from "The Transforming Robots"." "Turn it off, Grandpa, it's too intense!" " Too much action!" " The green button!" "Turn it off, this isn't real, grandpa!" "Now what about volume?" "It's either too loud or too quiet... like in "There Will be Blood"." "Well if it's in me, it's in you." "There are times when I..." "I look at people, I see nothing worth liking." "Isn't that nice?" "Having my grandkids in that movie instead of some stinko... you can't remember their name?" "Now we've got all you favorite movies right here." "So please, buy my DVD's that my wife made... and don't be scared anymore." "It's time for the fun game of interpretation!" "And here's your host, Gregory DuBois!" "Hello, everyone!" "And welcome to "What's That Bitch Talking About?"" "We got two contestants ready to play!" "He's a medical researcher from Baltimore, Maryland." "Please welcome Richard Dimwitty." "And our returning champion... an editorial assistant from Scottsdale, Arizona." "Please welcome Katherine Bagwell." "Okay, contestants, you both know the rules:" "by the end of the game, someone's gonna walk away... with a 1992 canary-yellow Mazda Protege." " Are you ready?" " Yes!" "Let's play "What's That Bitch Talking About?"" "Listen up, contestants, here we go!" "Because I saw him!" "Were you there?" "Well, then, you don't know!" "You didn't see the mess!" "The couch was ruined." "I'm taking him back there, that's what!" "No, they're not!" "I'm gonna tell them to switch it!" "To switch it!" "Okay, Richard." "What's That Bitch Talking About?" "Okay, I heard her say something about a mess?" "And maybe some kind of a purchase?" "Is she angry that someone spilled a drink on her?" "I am sorry." "Katherine, you want to take a shot?" "Yeah, it sounds like she took her dog to the vet... and he gave her dog the wrong medicine, which made him sick." "Correct!" "You're on the board!" "Alright!" "Here comes the next challenge!" "It ain't my fault!" "I told him 4 days ago!" "Well, then you tell her to get her ay-ass back on over here... and unload all those vacuum cleaners herself!" "No, I don't care!" "She can go ahead!" "Y'all don't even want to See what I gotta do if I gotta come back there!" "Y'all don't even want to see what my ass..." "What's that bitch talking about, Richard?" "She's obviously having a bad day of some kind." "I'm gonna say she's angry at her mother." "I'm sorry." "That's incorrect." "Katherine?" "She works at Wal-Mart, and they want her to stay through her entire shift... but she can't because she has to leave early to pick up her boyfriend... who's got his license suspended for driving... under the influence of Oxycontin." "Excellent!" "You're in the lead!" "Okay, let's go on to our next clue." "Okay... okay..." "Richard." "What's That Bitch Talking About?" "I have no idea, I don't know how anyone..." "That's wrong." "Katherine?" "She's getting directions to a margarita party... to celebrate her graduation from DeVry." "She's looking forward to it, but she's a little apprehensive... because the ghostly warnings of her father, the fisherman... still echo in the back of her mind." "Amazing!" "Katherine, you're going on to our solo round..." "Richard, thanks for playing, you'll be going home with..." ""What's That Bitch Talking About?" the home game edition." "Thank you very much, thank you very much." "Katherine?" "Okay, Katherine, this, time, instead of asking you..." "What's That Bitch Talking About?" "I'll be asking you "Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?"" " Got it, Gregory!" "Ok, get three in a row, and the canary-yellow Protege is yours." "Can I get thirty seconds on the clock?" "Here we go." "Yeah, well, I told them, "Just take it down... or I'm never giving them my business again!"" " Who's That Bitch Think She Is?" " The Queen of Sheba?" " Correct!" "Next one!" " And I told her..." ""Go ahead, move in with him!" "Ruin your life and your future!"" " Who's That Bitch Think She Is?" " My dad?" "Correct!" "Next one!" ""I would not be caught dead in that dress, the color palette is dreadful!"" "Okay, Katherine, for the canary- yellow 1992 Mazda Protege..." "Who Does That Bitch Think She Is?" "Wow, I'm gonna say..." "Heidi frickin' Klum?" "Yes!" "Congratulations!" "You will be going home with the Protege... and one free gallon of gasoline!" "Congratulations!" "Thank you very much, folks!" "Be sure to watch in about twenty minutes for another episode of..." ""What's That Bitch Talking About?" Okay, bye now!" "Weekend Update with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers." "It's good to see you again!" "I'm Seth Meyers!" "And I'm Amy Poehler and here are tonight's top stories." "The New York Times this week printed an article... alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair... with lobbyist Vicki Iseman." "Or, as it's known among lobbyists: "lobbying"." "The province of Kosovo, on Sunday... declared independence from Serbia... prompting Hillary Clinton to ask..." ""So who gets those delegates?"" "On Tuesday, after 49 years in power... 81 year-old Fidel Castro resigned as Cuba's president." "Quitter." "U.S. military officials have announced that they successfully shot down... a damaged spy satellite Wednesday... and that the resulting shards of debris are expected to be no larger than footballs... thousands of them, raining down from the sky... in an apocalyptic nightmare of toxic hellfire." "So, rest easy." "According to Los Angeles officials... the Hollywood writers strike cost the city $2.5 billion." "Or, roughly:" "ten movies about treasure." "Baseball player Andy Pettitte apologized Monday... for taking performance-enhancing drugs, blaming his actions... on "stupidity" and "desperation"... and "not expecting to get caught."" "During his visit to Liberia this week, President Bush... was given the nation's highest civilian honor... a meal." "Scientists on Monday said they have discovered evidence of a large toad... nicknamed the "devil frog", which lived 65 million years ago... and may have eaten newborn dinosaurs." "But then, when pressed for details... the scientists admitted they were just making it all up." "After his win in Wisconsin on Tuesday..." "Senator John McCain pronounced himself the Republican nominee for President." "This despite the fact that his closest rival..." "Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, remains in the race." "Here to explain why he has yet to concede..." "Governor Mike Huckabee." "Hello, Governor, hello." "Hello Seth, Amy." "So, Governor, you remain in the race despite the fact that... it's a mathematical impossibility... that you can win and our question is:" "Why?" "Well, Seth, the media loves to throw around the term..." ""mathematical impossibility"... but no one can ever explain exactly what that means to me." "Well, let me give it a shot." "Basically, it takes 1,191 delegates... to clench your party's nomination... and even if you won every remaining unpledged delegate... you would still fall 200 delegates short." "Wow, Seth, that was an excellent explanation... but I'm afraid that you overlooked the all-important superdelegates." " Don't forget about them." " Alright." "I won't forget about them... but the superdelegates are only in the Democratic Primary." "They can't vote in the Republican Primary?" " They cannot." " Oh, oh." "That's not good news." "You know, Seth..." "I was counting on those superdelegates." "Sorry to break that to you." "Does this mean that, now that you know that you're gonna drop out of the race?" " Well, fortunately, Seth..." "I'm not a math guy..." "I'm more of a miracle guy, so, at this point..." "I'm going to focus on the miracle part." "But if that miracle doesn't happen... let me assure the American people that Mike Huckabee... does not overstay his welcome." "When it's time for me to go, I'll know... and I'll exit out with class and grace." "Well, that is really good to know." "We appreciate your stopping by, Governor." "Governor Mike Huckabee, everyone!" "Thank you, Seth, thank you, Amy." "No, thank you so much for stopping by." "Well, thank you." "Great to be here." " It was great having you." " Well, it was just great being here." "Governor Mike Huckabee, everyone!" " Governor Huckabee?" " Seth?" "I think we're done now, sir." "Right!" "You know, normally I pick up on those things, sorry." "Alright." "Governor Mike Huckabee, everybody!" "Great, he's great with social cues!" "A kitten that ran out of its carrier case... in a New York City subway platform has been found after 25 days... in the underground tunnels." "The kitten reportedly survived... by hooking up with a hip-hop dance crew." "It was announced this week that butter and sweets... will no longer be on the menu at New York City jails." "Great news for inmates "Butter" and "Sweets"." "A California man's collection of 301 rare American pennies... sold at auction this week for $10.7 million dollars." "Far exceeding my pre-auction estimate... of three dollars and one cent." "Officials at Nickelodeon have begun casting... for the lead in the new "Dora the Explorer" live-action movie... and here's the frontrunner:" "It'll work... he may be a little dark, but it'll work." "Rapper Snoop Dogg was given a desk appearance ticket..." "Wednesday night in New York for possession of marijuana." "Snoop called the ticket "unfair"... and "hard to roll"." "Lurch, a dog in Michigan... was given the Pet's Best Friend award... by a local American Red Cross chapter, for donating blood... over twenty times." "Now, obviously, Lurch can't talk... but, if he could, I think he would say:" ""my balls are delicious!"" "The hot new toy at this year's Toy Fair is the Spykee Robot... which can change TV channels, play music from its built-in iPod dock... and send live video through a WiFi connection." "Yet another in a long line of setbacks... for wooden blocks." "Matthew McConaughey will appear shirtless in TV ads... for Dolce  Gabbana's new fragrance... also, everywhere else." "The name of the fragrance?" "You guessed it, "Alright, alright, alright"." "And now it's time for the latest installment of "Women's News"... with special "Women's News" correspondent Tina Fey." "Thank you, Amy." "I think we can all agree... that it's a great time to be a lady in America." "And not just because of that new yogurt that helps you poop... although, on the serious, thank you for that yogurt." "Now, let's take a look at the stories affecting... your daughters and mothers and the grouchy ladies in your office this week." "Lindsey Lohan recently recreated... an old Marilyn Monroe photo shoot for New York Magazine... and I have to hand it to Lindsey... for continuing to find new and different ways to look old." "A new study shows that strokes have tripled in recent years... among middle-aged women, which doctors blame on obesity... and which I blame on sixty-five year-old... women calling themselves middle-aged." "Kirstie Alley is saying that rumors... that she has regained the weight she lost... on Jenny Craig are not true." "She knows we can see her, right?" "It's not some kind of Scientology invisibility cloak?" "And finally, the most important women's news item there is:" "We have our first serious female presidential candidate... in Hillary Clinton." "And, yet, women have come so far as feminists... that they don't feel obligated to vote for a candidate... just because she's a woman." "Women today feel perfectly free... to make whatever choice Oprah tells them to." "Which raises the question:" "Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama?" "Some say that they are put off by the fact... that Hillary can't "control her husband"... and that we would end up with "co-presidents"." "Cause that would be terrible... having two intelligent qualified people... working together to solve problems." "Ugh!" "Why would you let Starsky talk to Hutch?" "I wanna watch that show "Starsky."" "You know, what is it, America?" "What is it?" "Are you weirded out that they're married?" "Because I can promise you they are having exactly as much sex with each other... as George Bush and Jeb Bush are." "Then, there is the physical scrutiny of her physical appearance." "Rush Limbaugh, the Jeff Conaway of right wing radio... said that he doesn't think America is ready to watch their president... quote "turn into an old lady in front of them."" "Really?" "They didn't seem to mind when Ronald Reagan did that." "Maybe what bothers me the most... is when people say that Hillary is a bitch." "Let me say something about that:" "Yeah, she is!" " And so am I!" "And so is this one!" " Yeah, deal with it!" "You know what?" "Bitches get stuff done." "That's why Catholic schools use nuns as teachers and not priests." "Those nuns are mean old clams and they sleep on cots... and they're allowed to hit you!" "And at the end of the school year, you hated those bitches... but you knew the capital of Vermont!" "So, I'm saying it's not too late, Texas and Ohio!" "Get on board!" "Bitch is the new black!" "Tina Fey, everyone!" "It's great ot be back!" "For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers." " I'm Amy Poehler." "Good night!" " Tina Fey!" "Hollywood is back to work and so is NBC... with all the shows you've been missing." "Just check out our new re-vamped Thursday night line-up." "At 8:00, it's an all new "Celebrity Apprentice"." "Can Queer Eye's Ted Allen and mega superstar Jennifer Tilly... survive the wrath of the Donald?" "Team Strike Force Dragon." "Your task was to invent a new flavor of gushers..." "America's leader in gummy fruit snacks." "You came up with the parma-berry." "Jennifer Tilly what is a parma-berry?" " It's Parmesan cheese... and boysenberry." "Ted Allen from "Queer Eye"." "I was told you were the gay guy with good taste." "What gives?" "Well, I really thought the combination of the citrus... with the ripeness of Parmesan... would create a surprising mouth feel." "It was gross!" "My daughter said it was the smelliest thing... she ever put in her mouth!" "Guess what?" "You're f..." "Who knows what will happen next?" "Then at 9:00 it's a special NBC premiere event..." ""Celebrity Apprentice." "The New Breed"" "With Greg Allman, Mario Cantone, Ron Popeil... 1979 "Penthouse Pet of the Year" Cheryl Rixon..." "Lou Vega and Jaleel White." "But first in the boardroom... it's The Food Network's Rachel Ray and Sir Charles Barkeley." "Team Righteous Fist of Harmony." "This week I instructed you to come up with a dynamic new ad campaign... for Barefoot Cruises." "America's premier clothing-optional cruise line." "They're dynamite." "They're really dynamite." "Charles Barkeley, what did you come up with?" "Ok." "Barefoot Cruises." ""It's a new fangle... for your old dingle dangle"." "That's not sexy." "We're talking barefoot cruises." "It's classy, erotic, like bearskin rugs... and three-cheese fondue!" "Rachel Ray?" "Fondue!" "Yummers!" "You could eat so much they should call it fon-don't!" "Rachel Ray, you're a national treasure." "Hey, I got one." "Ok." "Barefoot Cruises: "feel the breeze... without your dungarees"." "OK, I'm fired." "Then, at 9:30 we mix it up... with "Celebrity Apprentice:" "Special Victims Unit"." "With Keith Patton, Mary Jo Buttafucco... and the creepy JonBenet Ramsey guy, John Mark Karr." "Your job is to produce and market your own sex tape." "John Mark Karr, I gotta be honest, you give me the willies, man and not in a good way." " Really?" "Well..." "I always thought I had an innate, natural charisma." "Yuck!" "Mary Jo Buttafucco, your former husband Joey... made a very, very classy sex film." "Why didn't you ask him for advice?" "Well, for obvious reasons we're not on speaking terms." "Well, why?" "Did something happen between you two?" "Well, he had sex with an underage girl and... then she came to my house and shot me in the face." "I'm very sorry to hear that." "You're fired." "What do you think of sex tapes surprising new Celebrity Judge Gene Simmons?" "If you want to make a hot sex tape... you've got to follow the Gene Simmons holy trinity of sex tapes." "Lock the camera down, keep your shirt on... and bless the foreigner." "That's guaranteed... to keep every sex tape moist." "Then, from 9:30 to 9:45..." ""Celebrity Apprentice Goes Commercial"... with Matthew Lesko." "The government will give you 20,000 dollars... to write your own opera!" "Buy my book!" "And the creepy old dancing guy from the Six Flags commercial." "Mr. Trump, I'm just thrilled to have the opportunity... to demonstrate my business acumen." "Are you gonna dance for us, old man?" " I'd rather not." " Then you're fired!" "Isn't that right Shocking Celebrity penalist... from the O.J. trial and I might add The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Judge Lance Ito?" " I brought my own gavel!" "NBC." "Where quality happens." "It's gonna be huge." "Huge!" "...and I remember she said to me:" ""Jenny, he's the one!" "I finally found the one!"" "God, I'm so happy for you two!" "I'm so lonely." "To Billy and Ali!" "That's the stuff!" "Up next is Billy's best man." "Ed?" "Wow!" "Wow, what an act to follow!" "That girl's got more problems than a math book!" "Yikes!" "Howdy, folks!" "My name's Ed Mahoney..." "I want to give a speech about my best pal, here!" "Now, I've known this old sack of potatoes here for 22 years!" "Though I've only liked him for the last nine!" "No, I'm kiddin', Well not really!" "Not really, no." "The guy was a real dick in high school!" "He knows as well as anybody." "Anyway... when Billy asked me to be his best man..." "I thought long and hard about it... and as some of you ladies out there know... my thoughts are the only thing long and hard about me!" "No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding... it's my thoughts and my craps!" "Oh, boy!" "Look at Ali's face!" "Oh, man, she hates it when I work below the belt!" "God bless her!" "Lord knows he did in the body department!" "Holy moly!" "What a figure on this one, Jiminy Christmas!" "She looks like she was sculpted out of marble by a sex maniac!" "Well, she met her match with ol' Billy here!" "This guy's laid more pipe than the Mario Brothers!" "Although, they've probably eaten the same amount of mushrooms!" "Hey, quick mushroom story for ya', here we go, look..." "Billy and I were once so high, we got in a fistfight... with a bowl of MMs!" "Yeah, and then we french-kissed for an hour!" "Oh, boy!" "Now I've done it!" "Look at that!" "Look at Ali's face!" "Poop, drugs, and gay stuff, every bride's dream, right?" "Look, folks, marriage is about honesty!" "You know what else marriage is about?" "Lying your balls off!" "Yeah!" "You know what else it's about?" "It's about playing stupid for each other." "Like, do I really think my wife believes me... when I tell her I think about her when I masturbate?" "What the hell am I talking about?" "My goodness!" "Guys!" "I gotta be honest with ya', I've segue-wayed into an area..." "I could not have anticipated!" "Yeah!" "And I'm beginning to second- guess that pint of Jack Daniels... and shot of beer I drank as a switcheroo!" "So, let's see if I can wrap this up!" "A toast!" "A toast to Billy and Ali!" "Now, there's a sad statistic going around... that says that 50% of all marriages end in divorce." "Well, the other 50% end in death." "Yeah." "I hope you two die!" "Good luck, goofballs!" "DJ, work your magic!" "Are you sick of the airport?" "The long lines?" "Security?" "The danger of terrorism?" "Why not take a ride in a hot air balloon?" "You don't have to worry about terrorists or long lines... and it's just you and me, up in the air!" "Hey!" "I can see my house from here!" "Just kidding." "Why not take a ride in my balloon?" "I'll cut you a deal." "Forget about airport security." "See you later, suckers." "I'm taking myself a hot air balloon ride." "Fresh air!" "Listen, I'm not one of those college types who's gonna talk your ear off." "I bought a balloon, and it doesn't mean I think I'm better than everybody else." "Or I can just read a book." "I'm not one of those people... who doesn't know how to be quiet." "So come on over, and take a ride in my hot air balloon... and I'll take you wherever you want to go." "I promise." "Come ride with me!" "You're watching the Food Network... porn for fat people." "My name is Daniel Plainview." "This is my son and partner, H.W. Plainview." "I'm an oil man, I travel from state to state... searching for oil rich fields that I can drill on." "But when I'm not doing that..." "I'm on a countrywide quest for my second love:" "the perfect milkshake." "Welcome to my show." "Oil, they call it liquid gold" "But I prefer my liquids cold" "I go from town to town empty cups in my way" "I drink your milkshake!" "Each week on "I Drink Your Milkshake"... we visit a famous ice cream parlor or soda fountain." "Today, we find ourselves at Garity's in Bangor, Maine." "But enough talk, let's go drink a milkshake, shall we?" " Good day sir, ma'am." " Hello." "I'm Daniel Plainview, this is my partner and son H.W." "I'm an oil man, but I also love milkshakes... and now, I'm going to drink your milkshake." " What do you think of that?" " I'm sorry, I don't understand?" "Well let me explain it to you, you have a milkshake... and I have a straw." " That's a really big straw." " My straw reaches across the room... and I drink your milkshake!" "I drink it up!" "Yeah, well I have a cold, buddy, so joke's on you." "Each week on I Drink Your Milkshake..." "I'm joined by a special guest." "This week is my good friend, Mexican businessman... and assassin, Anton Chigurh." "How are you, Anton?" "What business is it of yours how I am friendo?" "Very good." "You remember my boy, HW?" "No!" "No!" "I've abandoned my child!" "I've abandoned my boy!" "I've abandoned my child!" "I've..." "Oh, there he is." "Another milkshake." "Good day, old man." "I'm going to drink your milkshake!" "No you're not, go get your own milkshake!" "Let me handle this." "What's the most you ever loss on a coin flip?" "I don't know, I couldn't say." " Call it." " Call it?" " Yes." " For what?" "Just call it." "Well we need to know what we're calling it for!" "It better not be for my milkshake!" "We're calling it for your milkshake." "I thought so!" "Well no deal!" "I'm drinking it with my milkshake!" "Sir, please tell your wife to stop bothering me!" "This isn't my wife, this is a man." "A man?" "Well then why do you have a lady's hairdo?" "That's all the time we have." "Join me next week... when we go to the Moo Shop in Kenosha, Wisconsin." "with my special guest, a young pregnant girl... named Juno." "My kudos for whoever shook this shake, Magnum." "I'm sorry, are you speaking English?" "Where's the bathroom, Fombonious Jones?" "I've got the urge to purge." "I'm finished!" "From the creators of "Lipstick Jungle" and "Cashmere Mafia"... comes a new drama about four beautiful, powerful... unrealistic women working in New York City." "Lady Business." "There's Nicolette." "In the cutthroat world of business, she holds the knife." "Now that I've been made a partner in this law firm... there's going to be some changes!" "From now on... meetings are no longer "mandatory"... they're "womandatory"." "If you wanna know about the power of persuasion... ask a woman who can sell fire to a snowman." "This is some ad agency you've created, Miss St. George." "Thank you." "And it's pronounced "De Gorge"." "I apologize." "Can I make it up to you by buying you a drink?" " I don't think you can handle me." " Why is that?" "Cause I'm a bitch in the boardroom a bore in the bedroom... and I'm a bear on the toilet." "Three women with beauty, power and money." "And a fourth woman who knows them, somehow... maybe from college." "Excuse me, ma'am, you can't park here." "I can park anywhere I want." "Don't you know who I am?" " No." "Who are you?" " I'm Nan Winters-Rodriguez..." "I remove dead animals from underneath people's homes... with a dead animal vacuum or a hook... and I'm the best!" "Now, stand aside..." "I've got to suck a family of unlucky racoons out... from under that Dunkin Donuts."