"Uh, where are all the kids?" "Oh, is the football team giving them atomic wedgies again?" "Well, the joke's on them, because Ritchie doesn't wear underwear anymore." "Christine, band practice was cancelled because of the field trip tomorrow." "You do remember the field trip, right?" "You were the one who sent out the memo." "Uh, did I happen to mention where we were going?" "It's the orchestra trip to Disney Hall." "They're taking a Hummer limo." "You volunteered to chaperone." "Oh, right." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's coming back to me." "Okay, yes, I will see you tomorrow at..." "Disney Hall." "Disney Hall." "Yes, okay, bye." "You want your kid?" "Oh, yeah." "My kid." "Yeah, Ritchie." "I know." "Where is he?" "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay..." "What is he doing?" "I'm okay..." "I don't know, but he's been doing it for 45 minutes." "We were going to go and help him, but it's just too funny." "Ritchie." "Ritchie, are you okay?" "I'm okay." "I'm okay..." "What are you doing?" "I didn't know how to get home." "Well, why didn't you just call me?" "I don't know your number." "On my cell phone, you're one of my favorites." "I just push number two." "Oh..." "I'm one of his favorites." "Wait a minute-- number two?" "Where's your cell phone?" "I don't know." "Why didn't you have the office call me?" "I don't know." "Well, why didn't you just ask Marly and Lindsay for help?" "I don't know." "Okay, honey, you can't get anywhere in this life if you don't know where you are or what you're doing." "You're not a baby anymore." "You're 12 years old." "I'm 13." "Uh, oh..." "Oh, yeah, happy birthday." "Okay, you know what?" "Let's just get out of here." "Okay?" "Come on." "Other way." "What?" "Oh, yeah." "Okay, it's, um, this way." "What are you doing?" "Having a conversation with Dave." "I thought you guys weren't getting along." "We don't in person, but for some reason when we text each other, it all clicks." "I think it filters out his dull and my mean." "I don't know why, but he makes me LOL." "Ha!" "Lol." "Do you know what that means?" "Nope, but when she says it, makes me laugh out loud." "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Hey." "Okay, Ritchie, go upstairs." "You did a good job today." "I'm proud of you." "Me, too, son." "What'd he do?" "He's a freakin' disaster, that's what he did." "What are you all doing in my house?" "You invited us for dinner." "Oh, is it Thanksgiving?" "What's wrong with you?" "You're acting like Grandpa did just before he started wearing that German uniform." "I'm sorry." "I got too much going on." "I'm having trouble keeping everything straight." "I don't know what is going on with me." "Yep, it's a mystery." "Maybe I should start doing crossword puzzles." "What's a nine-letter word for "drinking problem"?" "No, that's not the problem, Barb." "The problem is Ritchie." "Okay, he got stuck at school today, and he completely fell apart." "He didn't know how to ask for help." "He didn't know how to use a phone." "He was completely helpless." "You have failed as a parent." "Me?" "Why's it my fault?" "Because you made him soft." "I said football and guns." "You're the one still tying his shoes for him." "That's because I thought he was 12, all right?" "But we've got to fix this." "He's got no street smarts." "Barb, you've got to teach him some street smarts." "Why me?" "Because Barb, uh, y..." "You-You're-You're the kind of person that probably has some street smarts." "What kind of person is that?" "A kind of person like you, okay?" "Uh, smart..." "From the streets." "You might be better off texting her, so that she can put on her mean filter." "You know what?" "I'm really serious about this." "When I was a kid, it was so independent." "I made my own dinners." "I'd leave the house early in the morning." "I wouldn't show up again until it was dark." "Our parents didn't baby me." "Our parents didn't know she was gone." "But it made me strong." "I survived by my own wits." "How are you still alive to tell this story?" "See?" "See, these are the street smarts that I'm talking about." "Okay?" "And his wussy private school, that isn't helping, either." "You know, tomorrow they're going on a field trip in a Hummer limo." "There were no Hummers on my field trips." "Well..." "Well..." "Anyway, it is not too late to turn him around." "Starting now, we are going to stop babying him." "He's got to learn to do things for himself." "Mom, my bath is too hot." "Okay, I'm going to go blow on his bath, but starting tomorrow, we are going to stop babying him." "I'm coming, darling boy." "Okay, everyone, we're gonna leave in just a few minutes, but we've had a little change in plans." "Ms. Campbell had a very interesting idea for our field trip today." "Now, I know that everyone was excited about that Hummer limo..." "Yay!" "Hold on!" "Ms. Campbell had a different idea." "Instead of the Hummer..." "Yay!" "Why don't you tell them, Ms. Campbell?" "Thank you, Principal Nunley." "You know, um, kids, when I was a kid, I was so independent." "I'd-I'd make my own dinners." "I would leave my house early in the morning." "I wouldn't show up again until it was dark." "I'd ride my bike to get my own cigarettes." "I'm not sure they need the back story, Ms. Campbell." "Oh, oh, um..." "Okay, well, today, we are going to take the subway to go to Disney Concert Hall!" "Boo!" "Boo!" "No!" "No!" "Wait, wait, wait-- the subway?" "Why-Why would we do such a thing, when we have a Hummer limo?" "Yay!" "No, no, no, no, no-- you can't see life through the tinted windows of a Hummer limo." "Yay!" "see life through Okay, stop." "d windows Stop cheering!" "r limo." "We are taking the subway." "Boo!" "It's going to teach you the things that you aren't learning at this school." "You're never going to get ahead in this life relying on Hummers." "Well..." "Well..." "We." "Well..." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "You ate all the leftovers with my name on it from last night, so there's nothing to eat in our place." "Oh, yeah." "Sorry." "We don't have any other food, because you haven't done the grocery shopping like you said you would." "Yeah." "Sorry." "You know, it doesn't really feel sincere when you say "sorry"" "but continue to do the things you're sorry about." "Oh..." "Sorry." "Just maybe from now on, could you be a little bit more considerate?" "I didn't realize you had so many complaints." "But... since we're complaining, maybe you could stop smelling up the place with your broccoli." "And I don't know how you have any hair left on your head with the amount that ends up in the shower drain." "You have night terrors." "You use too much hand cream." "It's impossible to get a grip on any of the doorknobs." "Sorry." "There's words on my phone." "It's called a "text,"tarman." "I didn't know my phone could do that." "Whoa." "I didn't know anyone could do that." "That's nasty." "Who wrote that?" "It's from Barb." "I think it's meant for Dave." "She is dirty." "Oh, and a really good sport." "Hey, you know what you should do?" "Text her back something really filthy." "Why me?" "Because you're really filthy." "Text hall right, f I can someththink of sething.." "I hope she gets it." "I'd say she got it." "Well, here we are." "The subway." "And look it, Ritchie." "Look here." "This is a map, and it tells you all the different places you can go." "This is freedom, Ritchie." "What's syphilis?" "Uh, that is what happens when you have too much freedom." "Okay." "Come on, I'm going to show you how to buy a ticket." "Because if I buy a ticket for you, then you'll have a ticket." "But if I show you how to buy a ticket, then you'll be able to ride the subway for the rest of your life." "Oh, no!" "No, metaphorically, honey." "Okay, where is everybody?" "Come on, guys!" "Come on!" "Come on down!" "You're going to love it!" "Welcome to public transportation." "We are all going to die!" "Ms. Campbell, you know, I think we've proved our point." "Everyone has learned a valuable lesson about real life and-and urban planning, hmm?" "So, what do you say I get that limo driver back here and... and he take us on a safe and a better-smelling ride down to Disney Hall?" "Oh, no." "Not you, too." "You're an educator, Principal Nunley." "Are you really willing to send these kids out into the world, unprepared for life's challenges?" "Having to rely on maids and private jets and Hummer limos?" "Yay!" "Okay!" "Stop it!" "Okay?" "We are raising coddled, spoiled children." "And I think it's time that we did something about that." "Push her on the tracks!" "No, no, no, nono--ime that she..." "she-she has a point.at." "No, we need to educate the whole child, not just the rich part." "Thank you, Principal Nunley." "Thank you." "And I think it'." "And, you kno since it was my idea," "I'm going to treat." "Yay!" "Hmm, let's see, it's going to be" "$25 for all of us." "So I'll put that on two credit cards." "Here, Ritchie, hold my purse, sweetie, okay?" "What's that?" "Oh, that, my friends, is the subway." "Cool!" "Oh, that is cool!" "Okay." "One for you and one for you." "And why don't you pass them all around, and get on the train and stay together, okay?" "Oh, wait." "Where's my ticket?" "Mom, everybody's getting on the train." "No, no, I, I had it." "Wait a minute." "And then I passed them out." "I was..." "Oh, oh, no." "I got it." "I have it." "Okay." "Oh!" "No!" "Uh, um..." "No." "Could you open up?" "Uh, my son is in here." "Ritchie." "Oh!" "My purse is in there!" "Ritchie!" "Oh!" "Purse!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ritchie!" "Ritchie!" "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay..." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "Um, excuse me, uh, do you know when the next train is coming?" "Uh, they come every 15 minutes." "15 minutes-- oh, my God." "My baby is on that train." "Anything could happen to him in 15 minutes." "How old is your baby?" "12 or 13." "Can I borrow your phone?" "My son has my purse, and I need to call my cell phone and tell him that I'll meet him at Disney Hall." "You know, I don't know you, and I didn't get a flu shot." "So I'm just going to wait for my train." "No, no, wait." "Um, um, my name is Christine." "Um, hi." "What is your name?" "Hi." "Bernie." "Bernie?" "Really?" "Weird." "Anyway, I was trying to teach my son to be self-sufficient and, um, I, I lost him." "And he doesn't know anything." "No, he can't even cool his own bath water." "He's just lost without me." "Please, stop crying." "If you could just let me use your phone, I will let you hold" "Ritchie's clarinet and-and my ticket as collateral." "You know, this is an $800 clarinet." "I bought it before I realized he didn't have any talent." "Please!" "Please!" "Please!" "Please?" "Please?" "Please?" "Please?" "Please?" "Please?" "Please?" "Fine." "Fine." "Okay." "But-But hurry up." "And... and don't breathe on it." "I'm a little germophobic." "Oh, thank you." "You got it." "You're a good person." "Oh..." "No, no." "It's fine." "What are you doing?" "Oh, I can't, I can't remember my phone number." "I-I never call myself." "Why don't you call information?" "Oh!" "That's a good idea." "You're a good person." "4-1-1." "What?" "Oh, thank you." "Yeah." "You know what?" "I'm just a little upset." "But, you know what?" "You're an awfully good person." "Hello?" "Yeah, in Mar Vista, California." "I'm looking for a listing for Christine Campbell." "Yeah, oh, no." "Yes." "I know it's unlisted, because I unlisted it." "But now I give you permission to list it, because I need it." "Hello?" "Hello?" "The train is coming." "I need my phone." "What?" "No." "No, Bernie." "What are we going to do?" "We can't get on that train, because what if they're coming back here to find us?" "We're not us." "There's no "us," thank God." "I have a train to catch." "Really?" "You know what?" "You're a bad person." "I hope I have tuberculosis." "All right, you know, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Bernie." "I didn't..." "Oh, you know what, Bernie?" "You still have my ticket." "You..." "Uh-oh." "Bernie, you have my ticket!" "Bernie!" "Ritchie!" "Ticket!" "Damn it, Richard." "Look at that." "I got a scratch on my bumper." "You have half a house on your bumper." "You shouldn't be texting while you drive." "I wasn't texting you." "It came to me." "Well, why'd you text me back?" "Matthew told me to." "Yeah, but you took it too far." "You always take it too far." "And you never put your clothes in the hamper." "And you are the loudest breather." "Feel free to use your nose once in awhile." "Feel free to use deodorant once in awhile, instead of that crystal." "It doesn't work." "Hey, kiss already." "We have a problem here." "Who's going to pay for my Range Rover?" "Who's going to pay for Christine's house?" "Look, we don't even know how bad it is." "Let's get the car out of here, so we can take a look at the damage." "It might be nothing." "Come on back." "Take it slow." "Barb, what are you waiting for?" "Put it in gear." "All right, all right!" "Relax, I'm going." "Okay, stop." "Oh, excuse me." "Can you buy me a ticket?" "Ex..." "Excuse me, um, I'm trying to get a ticket to find my son." "Do you have any change?" "Oh." "Hello?" "Excuse me?" "Hello?" "Oh, come on!" "Don't act like you can't see me." "You can't just ignore me." "I need help." "I'm having a hard day." "Get a job." "Hey, you know what?" "I have a job, okay?" "I have my own business." "And you know what else I have?" "Street smarts." "So forget about you!" "Get by on my own wits." "Good-bye, Ritchie." "Oh..." "I'd give anything to hear you play this again." "Well..." "* Nobody knows *" "* The trouble I've seen *" "* Nobody knows my sorrow. *" "Oh!" "Uh... * Nobody knows *" "* The trouble I've seen *" "* Glory *" "* Hallelujah. *" "Lose a button." "Oh, gross." "Okay." "* Sometimes I'm up, and sometimes I'm down *" "Oh, thank you." "* Oh, yes, Lord *" "* Oh, and thank you for the dollar, too *" "* Oh, yes... *" "Come on, come on." "Come on, come on." "Ah!" "Yeah!" "I did it!" "Oh, you' got to be kidding me." "Oh!" "No, no, no!" "Oh!" "Ticket!" "Boot!" "Oh, no!" "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Uh-oh." "Uh-oh!" "Fine!" "You win!" "I can't make it on the streets!" "Lose a button." "Okay." "Hey, look." "It's my mom!" "Oh, Ritchie." "You're here." "I found you." "Mom, what happened?" "I didn't know my phone number, and nobody would help me, so I had to use my wits to survive." "Yes, Christine, we can see." "Button your shirt." "One of your wits is hanging out." "As soon as she goes to water those plants, she's gonna notice it." "So we've got about a year or so to figure it out." "It's all right." "I'm safe." "Ritchie's safe." "That's all that matters." "Okay, Ritchie, go upstairs and get in the bathtub, sweetie." "I'm proud of you!" "I'm proud of you, too, son!" "What did he do?" "I don't know. lost him." "But I had to get home with no money, no car, no phone, no map." "I had to survive using only my wits." "Yeah, I can see them, and one of your wipples." "It just goes to show you, I'm as sharp as a tack." "Hey, what happened to my fence?" "What fence, Christine?" "The fence that was right there." "It was leading into the patio." "I don't know what you're thinking of, but there's never been a fence there." "Man, you really are losing it." "No, no, no-no-no." "It was right..." "Oh, no, no." "Oh, yeah, right." "Yeah." "No, I remember now." "There's no fence." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "I'm okay..."