"Well, what's the matter now?" " I just saw three hands." " Siddown." "You're crazy." "You've been going around in circles all day and you're dizzy." " Is that what it is?" " You just had a dizzy spell." " Ha!" " Now, let me get some rest, will you?" "Never had one of those before." "Hey, Ollie." "I don't want to bother you but I've just had another one of those dizzy spells." "No wonder - smoking those big black cigars, they're too strong for you." " Is that what it...?" " Certainly." " Did you see that?" " Sure, it's one of those dizzy spells." "That wasn't no dizzy spell." "Go see what it was." " I don't want to see what it was." " Go see what it was and don't argue." "Hurry up." "I'll wait right here for you." "Nope, nobody there." "Just one of those dizzy spells again." "Even you look different." " Stan!" "Oh, Stan!" " What?" " Come on!" " OK, I'll..." " Don't leave me, Ollie." " Give me your hand." "Well, can you beat that?" "Welcome to Oxford!" " You know what?" " What?" "That fellow that sent us in here made a fool out of you." "Yes, and if I ever see him again I'll punch him in the nose." "I don't blame you." "Say, I thought you said you could read character." " I can but he was two-faced." " Oh." " I'll never trust anybody as long as I live." " That's a good idea." "Bring them to Johnson's quarters." "Everything's arranged." "Well?" "How do I look?" "Marvellous." "Much better than the old dean himself." " You think he'll recognise me with this?" " Never in a month of Sundays!" "Hurry, fellas!" "Here comes Cecil with the chumps." "Here we are." "This way, please." "Dean, may I present the two new boys from America?" "This is Dr Ramsbottom, the dean of our university." "Pleased to meet you, Mr Dean." "Charmed, I'm sure." "Meet Professor Push-Ha'penny." "Dr Pigsfoot." "And his brother, Trotter." "Well, dear old things, heartiest congratulations, and all that sort of thing, on your entrance into dear old Oxford." "I hope that our association will be a happy union." "We wish to show our hospitality, true to the traditions of our college, by giving you a most hearty and royal greeting." " Cheerio, I don't think." " Thank you very much." "Now, is everything in readiness to escort these gentlemen to their quarters?" "Everything." "Then carry on." "# For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow" "# For he's a jolly good fellow" "# And so say all of us!" "#" "I shall be quite some time at the lecture, Jenkins." "You may take the afternoon off." "Thank you, sir, thank you." "Goodbye, sir." "# For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow" "# For he's a jolly good fellow" "# Which nobody does deny" "# For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow" "# For he's a jolly good fellow" "# And so say all of us" "# And so say all of us, and so say all of us" "# For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow" "# For he's a jolly good fellow" "# And so say all of us #" "Well, gentlemen, these are your quarters." "Don't be afraid to make yourselves at home." "Ta-ta." " Skip the gutter." " And good luck, we don't think." "Say, that dean's a swell guy, ain't he?" " Now, there's a man that you can trust." " He sure is." "Gee, this is a swell joint, I don't think." " It's a pit." " Lovely." "No wonder people go to school." "Nice place to live in like this." "No flies or nothing, and..." "I wonder how long this place has been open." "I wonder." "You'd think they would advertise to let people know it was on the map." " Say, do you know what?" " What?" "We didn't have any sleep last night." "That's right." "In this excitement, I completely forgot it." "Let's unpack the trunk and make ourselves at home." "That's a good idea." " Boy, is this the life." " Mm-hm." " English colleges give you the works." " Don't they?" "You should see what they've done to the dean's bedroom." "Fix me another snort." "Hey, fellows!" "KV!" " Here comes the dean." " The dean?" "No, no, no, he's coming down the hall." "What shall we do?" "Did you hear that?" " Sure." "What is it?" " I don't know." "Go see." "Nobody there, it couldn't have been somebody." " How about 40 winks?" " That's a good idea." " Say, Ollie..." " What now?" "How about a nightcap?" "Well, just one." " There's no fizz water." " Well, get some." "There's no more nightcap." "Well, what would you do in a case like that?" " Go and get some." " Certainly." "Simple." "Cheerio!" "I don't think!" "Ripping!" " Say, Ollie." " What?" "I wonder who that old buzzard is over there." "Some old cockroach that had this room before we did." "Get a load of that puss." "Say, did you ever see a face like that outside a zoo?" " Sure." " Where?" "In a monkey house." "I never thought of that!" "Monkey house!" "Give me some more fizz water." "Mm!" "I bet you a nickel I can hit him in the eye." " Bet you can't." " Bet you." "You missed!" "Give me the bottle." " Dime or nothing." " All right, give you a chance to get even." "Now." "What are you doing in my quarters?" "You've got a lot of nerve." "They're our quarters, the dean just give 'em to us." " I am the dean!" " Read his character." "I just did, he's a phoney." "It's another rib." "Sure, he's got ribs all over his face." "See them?" "Get out of my quarters, I tell you!" "Know what the trouble is?" "He's got a dizzy spell." " He's a Dizzy Dean." " That's what he is." "Come on, Dizzy, get out before I throw you out." "That goes for me too, Dizz." " You can't..." " This is an outrage." "I'll have you sent down!" "I'll have you prosecuted!" " Ow!" " There, sir!" "And as for you, you'll suffer for this." "That's a lot of baloney." "There, sir!" " See here, of all the..." " Get out of here or we'll..." "How dare you?" "I'll tell him..." "I shall speak to my..." " Jenkins!" " Come on, get out!" "Lunatics at large!" "And stay out!" " What is the meaning of this?" " You'll find out." "Deany, tell this nitwit to get out and stop bothering us." "He's trying to crash in on our party." " What is this all about?" " Hey, Dean, tell him." "Dean?" "I reiterate, I am the dean." "Aw, don't give us that." "He told us he was the dean and he gave us these quarters." " Didn't he, Stan?" " He certainly did." "Didn't you?" "Is this true, Johnson?" "Yes, sir." " See?" "Don't you feel silly?" " Yeah, get out..." " See?" "Don't you feel silly?" " Yeah, get out..." "Silence!" "You shall be expelled, sent down for this, my lad, all of you!" "This is the most disgraceful outrage ever perpetrated at Oxford." "Report to me in the morning." "You may go." "Snitchers." " Jenkins." " Yes, sir." "Help them to pack their things and see that they're taken to their proper quarters." "What will the pater say when he hears I am to be expelled?" "Don't worry." "We'll see they're not here tomorrow to testify." " Snitchers have no place in Oxford." " You're right." "The dirty dogs!" "That's one thing we won't tolerate in Oxford - snitching!" "That's right." "Here you are, gentlemen, these are your quarters." "Meredith the valet will be here shortly to attend to your needs." " Good afternoon." " Goodbye." "Well, so far so good." " Can you beat that?" " What?" "Look - we're only that far from home." "It says on the..." "Come in." "How do you do, gentlemen?" "I'm Meredith." "I'm Mr Hardy." "This is my friend, Mr Laurel." "How do you do, Mr Hardy?" "Mr Lau..." "Your Lordship!" "Don't you remember me, sir?" "I'm Meredith." "Don't you recall?" "I used to take care of you, sir." "Look out, another rib." "Say, that's a lot of hooey." " You never saw him before in your life." " And I never saw you either." "Pardon me." "I understand, Your Lordship, why you don't recognise me." "Oh, it's a pity, it's a pity." " What's a pity?" " Oh, it's a sad story, sir." "It was a great blow to Oxford." "You see, it's like this, sir - when His Lordship was here before, he was the greatest athlete and scholar this university ever boasted of." "And oh, what a brilliant mind." "Are you trying to make me believe that this is the guy you're talking about?" "I know it." "I was never so sure in my life." "Brilliant mind..." "Well, I've known him for years and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw." " Aren't you, Stanley?" " I certainly am." " That's why I'm here." " Pardon me, sir, you don't understand." "I can recall your accident most vividly." " What accident?" " It happened in this very room." "It was right here, at this very window." "Your Lordship had just defeated Cambridge and you were acknowledging the plaudits of the student body." "Just as I came in with your tea and crumpets, the window slipped and hit you on the head as hard as a heavy hammer." "When you came to, you'd lost your memory and wandered away from the university." "We never saw or heard of you from that day to this." "Pardon me for being frank but I think that you are screwy." "He's got bees in his cockpit, that's what's the matter with him." "Oh, if I could only bring your memory back." "Maybe some of your peculiar mannerisms may show up." "What mannerisms?" "Your Lordship had a most outstanding one." " Did I?" " Mmm!" "When you got very angry, you'd wiggle your ears in a most extraordinary manner and you'd fight like a demon." "Fight like a demon..." "Wiggle your ears." " What?" " Wiggle your ears." " I can't wiggle my ears." " Of course you can't." " Of course I can't." " Now stop this kidding!" "Very good, sir." "Don't want to hear..." "Say, why don't you read his character?" "Maybe he's right." " Maybe I am a lordship." " You, a lordship!" ""And we're only this far from home"!" "Well, I knew a fella once that lost his memory and he's better now." "You see..." "Fee, fi, fo, fum" "We want the blood of an American" " Be he alive or be he dead..." " What's that?" " I don't know." " We'll crush his bones to make our bread" "Fee, fi, fo, fum" "We'll beat those Yankees like a drum" " I wonder what this is all about." " That's their chant of revenge." "Some gentleman must have violated the ethics of the student body." "When that happens, oh!" "They're never satisfied until they've hounded the guilty one out." "We'll cut their throats and take out their tongues" "We'll chew them up like chewing gum" "Fee, fi, fo..." " Look, they're pointing at us." " Don't worry, it's another rib." "Oh, no, sir." "They never jest in a case like this." "We'll send them back where they came from" "Fee, fi, fo, fum..." "We'll go up and make them jump out of the window, or we'll take off their breeches and throw them out!" "Fetch a blanket, chaps." " Fee, fi, fo, fum..." " They mean us all right!" "We want the blood of an American" "Be he alive or be he dead" "Where can we hide?" "Climb out the window, sir, along the ledge through to the next study." "Say, Ollie, what about the trunk?" "Never mind the trunk!" "Oh, oh." "Gracious, Meredith, can't you fix that?" " Hit me right on the cranium." " Your Lordship!" "You've got your memory back." "You know me!" "What are you talking about?" "Course I know you." " Where's my tea and crumpets?" "Hurry!" " Oh, it's a miracle!" "A miracle!" "Are you barmy?" " See who that is." "Stop annoying me." " Yes, my lord." "Must be losing his memory." "Silly old bounder." "There's one of them." "What is the meaning of this vulgar intrusion?" "We're going to take off your breeches and run you out of Oxford." "Take off my breeches?" "In the presence of Meredith?" "Yes, you dirty snitcher!" "Repeat that remark again." "Dirty snitcher!" " Meredith, hold my handkerchief." " Yes, my lord." "Now, I demand an immediate apology." "An apology?" "I'll give you an apology!" "The dean!" "Ohhhhh!" "Oooh!" "Oh!" "Wonderful, Your Lordship, wonderful." "Right back to your old form again." "Did me heart good to see you carry on." " Didn't half put it across 'em." " Don't annoy me, Meredith." "Get this place cleaned up, and hurry with my tea and crumpets." "I'm starved, really." "What's the big idea, throwing me out?" "I beg your pardon!" "Meredith, who is this coarse person with the foreign accent?" "Why, you little shrimp!" "Are you trying to rib me now?" "Careful, sir, be careful." "His Lordship's regained his memory." "Don't annoy him, sir, or he may again become violent." " It's on the level, then?" " Yes, sir." "Well, congratulations." "I'm sorry but, er, we've never been introduced." "Meredith, will you kindly officiate?" "Mr Hardy, meet Lord Paddington." "How do you do?" "What is the nature of your business here?" "Why, Stan, don't you know me?" "Know you?" "Why, I never saw you before in all my life." " What are you talking about?" " Don't you remember?" " We used to sweep the streets together!" " Sweep the..." "How dare you!" "How dare you make such slurring remarks!" "Meredith, show this common person the egress and eject him forcibly." " This way, sir." " Wait a minute!" "I don't know what you're talking about but this has gone far enough." " I'm gonna mop the floor up with you!" " Have a care." "Wiggling your ears ain't gonna stop me." "Ow!" "Come in." " Good morning, Fatty." " Good morning, Your Lordship." " Thank you." " Tea, Your Lordship." "The dean wishes to speak with you, Your Lordship." "Oh, come right in." "You may remain here, Fatty." "Good morning." "Would you care to join me in a spot of tea?" "No, thanks." "Don't stand there, get a chair for the dean." "Pardon my valet being so horribly stupid." "He's not quite broken in yet." "Rather thick, as it were." " Why do you tolerate him?" " I don't know." "He's got a jolly old face, you know." "Breaks the monotony and, er, helps to fill up the, er, room and, er..." "Besides, he's something to talk to." "I quite understand, Your Lordship." "A thousand congratulations for all your wonderful accomplishments since your return." "Oh, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut." "Might I presume to ask you a favour?" "Why, certainly." "Professor Einstein has just arrived from Princeton" " and he's a bit confused about his theory." " You don't say." "He wondered if you could straighten him out." " It would be a pleasure." " When could you give him a few moments?" "Let me see, er..." "Oh, Fatty?" "Hand me my memorandum." "Let me see now." "Monday..." "Tuesday." "And, er..." "Suppose we make it Ash Wednesday." "Thank you, Your Lordship." "The professor will be so very grateful." "That's perfectly all right." "Incidentally - invite him to have lunch with me." " I'm having pancakes." " Thank you, Your Lordship, thank you." "Thank you, Fatty." "Take it." "Gracious, Fatty, what is this?" "Senna tea?" "Take this stuff away immediately." "Don't let it occur again." "My goodness." "Hmph." "If it wasn't for that bump on the head, he wouldn't know Einstein from a beer stein." "Er, by the way, er, Fatty." "I've noticed lately" " that you're getting terribly sloven." " How do you mean, sir?" "You don't seem to have the dignity becoming of a lackey." "Er, no poise, you don't walk right, or something." "Let me see." "Er, pull in your stomach." "That's better." "Throw your shoulders back." "That's right." "Now chin up, chin up." "No, no, no, both of them." "There, that's better." "Now walk around." "Let me see you." "Step into it, make it brisker." "Brisker!" "Now, chins up!" "Now look what you've done, clumsy." "I've had enough!" "When I knew you," "I had more brains in my little finger than you had in your whole carcass, even with your overcoat on!" "You're a witty old stick-in-the-mud, Fatty." " You bet, and don't call me Fatty!" " Don't get excited." "Who's excited?" "I'm through!" "Take your lordships, your Oxford and your Paddingtons and do what you like with 'em!" " I've never been so humiliated..." " Really, old dear." "Not intentional, really..." "There's one more thing too!" "I didn't like that double chin crack!" " Well, I..." " Ah!" "My goodness!" "# For he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody does deny" "# Which nobody does deny #" "Never been so humiliated!" "I'm gonna get my clothes and catch the first boat back." "And another thing, and furthermore, get another boy!" "Goodbye!" " Hey, Ollie..." " What?" "!" " Where you going?" " Back to America for me." "Hey, Ollie!" "Ollie!" "Aren't you going to take me?" "Stan!" "You know me!" "Of course I know you." "Have you got one of those dizzy spells?"