"This programme contains some strong language." "My Lord." "Ah, Barbiarry, what news - another invention?" "Yes, my Lord, the greatest yet." "I suspected as much." "Very well, proceed." "Ah, you've invented the wooden mouse." "Is that what you've been doing?" "Oh, but this is no toy, my Lord - observe its secret." "A ball." "A ball, my Lord, which allows the device to track minutely and accurately every movement of one's hand." "Very good." "Yes." "And then?" "And then...you can click on it." "So you can." "And what does that do?" "That helps...the general effort." "Which is?" "I'm not quite certain just yet, but, er..." "Ooh!" "It's wireless." "It's what?" "It doesn't have long, thin strands of metal coming out of it." "Granted, but you could say that about almost anything." "No, but you see, something tells me this sort of thing normally would do, to help it communicate with the... with the..." "Yes?" "Ooh, it's on the tip of my mind." "Some wondrous thing with which one could do almost anything." "Some magical device." "I..." "I can't quite see it, but I do see very clearly that it would need one of these." "It would need a toy mouse with a ball in it." "Yes, and some anti-virus software." "What do almost any of those words mean?" "Anti means against." "That was the one I knew." "And the rest?" "I don't know." "It was all so clear this morning when I woke up and scribbled it all down, but now... now I just think I've gone a bit mad." "I see." "Thank you, Barbiarry." "I think this might be another candidate for my special cupboard, along with the device for wiping clean a screen, which, in as yet obscure circumstances, would shield one from the wind." "The device for extracting food that has somehow become encased in metal." "And, of course, the Sky Digibox, which triumphs all." "'Do you like sex?" "Do you like your phone?" "'" "PHONE BEEPS" "'Then you'll love Text-A-Sex." "'Attractive people in your area are having sex with each other right now." "'But since you're not one of them, 'why not settle for this instead?" "'Our team of poorly paid, out-of-work actors are waiting for you 'to text in so they can sort of pretend 'they're having sex with you but in words in a text." "'It's fast, friendly and lonely." "'Text-A-Sex - it's like sex but on your phone." "'Texts cost £4 per text plus your standard network rate." "May cause misery.'" "Oh, shame about the other place." "Still, this looks nice." "Well, it's only for tonight." "Hello, can you help me..." "can I help you?" "Er, we were hoping to get a room for the night." "Of course - single or double?" "A double." "Excellent." "Cheers!" "How many are there of you?" "Two." "So there are!" "I'll put you in room three." "KEYS THUD ON FLOOR" "There may be a bit of sick on the floor, but it's OK, it's only mine." "It came out when I was trying to change the duvet." "If you'd like to follow me to your room, my wife will take your bags." "Hello, I'm his wife!" "Darling, could you take...could you take those bags up to room three, or four, whichever you can find?" "It's all right." "I'm a man, really." "We met in the Army." "You've missed one." "Another one?" "Oh, don't mind if I do." "Excellent." "Here we go." "These are some of the other guests." "ALL:" "Hello!" "Don't bother introducing yourselves, they won't remember your names." "Between you and me, they're all pissed!" "Here's your key, you won't need it." "A lot of our residents found getting the little key into the little hole a bit fiddly, so we've had all the doors removed." "This is the en suite." "The full English breakfast is £10 or the continental is free." "What is the continental?" "It's wine." "If you need reception, just dial zero or one or four or any of the numbers, really." "It can be difficult to press one specific button." "Hope you have a lovely stay." "And on the sixth day," "God created man and woman to have dominion over the animals." "And on the seventh day, God rested." "And on the eighth day, God rested." "And on the ninth day, God rested." "So he basically just rested and then drowned everyone and invented the rainbow and then rested." "And that, Isaac, brings us pretty much up till now." "Thanks, Dad." "Wow, the Lord sounds smart!" "He is smart, especially those first six days where he made everything, but also generally." "Now, run along and play in the grit." "Great, bye!" "THUNDER CLAP" "(DEEP VOICE:) Abraham!" "Lord!" "Abraham!" "Not interrupting, am I?" "No, perfect timing." "I was just telling my son about all the wonderful ideas you've had." "Good, because, Abraham, actually, I've had another one." "Another idea?" "An idea from the Lord?" "Oh, please tell!" "Yes, yes, I will and..." "OK." "And do tell me if you think this is, sort of... well, out of order, you know." "What?" "Right." "Well, my new idea is... human sacrifice!" "THUNDER CLAP" "What?" "You know, human sacrifice." "I think you should kill someone and I was thinking you should kill..." "Ivan." "Ivan?" "Ivan." "Ivan, your son." "Oh, Isaac." "Isaac." "I'm so sorry, Isaac, yes, Isaac." "I think you should kill Isaac." "So, what... what do you think?" "Brilliant!" "Really?" "!" "Oh, yes, Lord, another winner." "Ivan, rustle up a pyre - we're making a sacrifice." "Ivan, I thought you said his name..." "Oh, no, Ivan's a much better name, Lord, you were right." "I can't wait to see the look on his face." "You're sure you're fine with this?" "Absolutely." "You would say?" "I would say what, Lord?" "Well, you know, if you thought" "I was asking you to do something, you know, wrong." "If I thought it was wrong?" "Like I'd know(!" ")" "Like I have any chance of forming an independent basis of right and wrong outside the instructions of some supervisory being." "No, Lord, I am your bitch." "Yeah, OK, but..." "Finished the pyre, Dad." "Hello, Ivan." "Where's the sacrifice?" "Ooh, that's a good point - where is it?" "Any ideas, Lord?" "Um..." "Oh, wait, I remember, it's there." "What?" "!" "Yes, Isaac..." "Ivan, the Lord's new idea is that I should sacrifice you." "Me?" "Brilliant!" "Yes." "On the fifth day he invented the birds and the fish, and today he's invented me murdering my son." "Another winner, Lord!" "You're certainly not tinkering with an already perfect creation, like some giant see-through George Lucas." "Hop on, Ivan." "Um..." "Oh..." "Here's a nice sturdy bit of flint, Dad." "No, um, hang on." "Well done, Ivan." "Right, brace yourself, lad." "No, wait!" "Look, wait." "Yes, Lord?" "It...it was a test!" "Oh, a test." "Oh, what another brilliant idea!" "He's so smart!" "Did we pass?" "Oh, you really passed, Abraham, yes." "Big tick." "Great!" "Well, do let us know if you have any other brilliant ideas, Lord." "Yes, I..." "Ooh, actually, while you have that flint handy, I did have another, um...idea." "Yes?" "Well, what if you were to..." "Say if this is weird, but what if you were to cut off your son's..." "Oh, what's it called?" "I can't think of the name, the skin around the..." "Oh, I'll get back to you." "OK." "Can't wait." "One zero, one zero, zero one, one zero zero." "Beg pardon, sir?" "That's hello in computer, Hennimore." "I'm very excited about taking our first step into the space age." "This could revolutionise how quickly we work out our payroll here at Tempranillo Gaps." "Now the most important thing to remember is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." "Oh, no, no, stop!" "No, no, no..." "Go back in!" "No!" "Oh, no, no, no...!" "Clear?" "One zero, one one zero, sir." "Don't tell me to fuck off, Hennimore." "Sorry, sir." "On an unrelated note, blah blah blah blah blah," "Russian delegation, blah blah blah blah, here at four." "Blah blah blah blah..." "JAUNTY MUSIC" "Blah blah blah, these state secrets about nuclear warheads." "Blah blah blah..." "Oh, no, don't do that!" "Don't read that!" "No, please, don't!" "Nyet!" "Nyet!" "No, don't..." "No!" "Blah blah blah blah, lobster festival." "Blah blah blah blah..." "MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH" "Blah blah blah blah, espionage." "Blah blah blah blah." "JAUNTY MUSIC" "And this time, I don't want any screw-ups!" "Is that clear?" "Um..." "Do svidaniya!" "Do svidaniya!" "Do svidaniya!" "Do svidaniya!" "Well, that went off without a hitch, Hennimore, well done." "Thank you, sir." "Hennimore!" "Hi, everyone." "Well, we're about a third of the way into episode six of the series." "Hope you've enjoyed what you've seen so far, but I'm afraid the money has now run out." "Episode six used to be paid for by DVD sales and unfortunately they've gone through the floor in the last year or so because of YouTube and torrenting, which are great for the viewer, obviously, because particularly with a sketch show, all the items can be up on YouTube" "pretty much as soon as they've been broadcast, so why would you buy a DVD?" "You'd have to be, you know...honest." "So, er, as I say, great for the viewer and/or casual criminal, not such a boon for the programme makers." "But Rob and I are as ever really excited by new media challenges." "Onwards and upwards." "You may have heard that the BBC is selling these studios, so we look forward to many years of making a load of crap with a camcorder." "I mean, I'm excited by Dave." "I'm not one of the nay-sayers." "I mean, it's no BBC Three, but you can't have everything." "You may be wondering where Robert is." "Obviously that's a budgetary thing - we can only afford one of us from now on." "So, as I say, it is pretty much dross from here on in." "Oh, there he goes." "Where are you off to, Robert?" "I thought I might try and flog some of these Peep Show box sets down the pub." "We used to get them free." "Yes, yes, we did, we... we used to get them free." "Happier times." "You've probably noticed that that was a bit of a Morecambe and Wise reference." "Those were the days." "Those were the days." "The lights are going out all over television." "We shall not see them lit again in our lifetime." "'Do you like Wagner's Ring Cycle?" "'Do you like your phone?" "'Then you'll love Text-A-Ring-Cycle.' PHONE BEEPS" "'Our team of part-time music students are waiting for you to text in 'so they can send you the entire libretto of Wagner's Ring Cycle." "'Yes!" "Word by white-supremacist word." "'Once you've received each text, all you have to do is think about 'the music Wagner set it to, and hey presto, 'your own version of the Ring Cycle in your head whenever you need it." "'It's fast, friendly and Aryan." "'Text-A-Ring-Cycle - it's like four massive operas but on your phone." "'Texts cost £4 per text plus your standard network rate." "'Please note, Wagner's Ring Cycle is over 20 hours long.'" "(SLURRING:) We have had a lovely stay, lovely." "The chocolate liqueur on the pillow was a lovely touch." "And the whisky miniatures in the shower were a wonderful surprise." "Yes." "Although I will have to wash my hair again." "Did I tell you we met in the Army?" "So, anyway, we'd better settle up." "Oh, yes, of course." "How much do I owe you?" "On the house." "Did I tell you we met in the Army?" "CAR ENGINE REVS" "TYRES SCREECH THEN CRASH!" "We had a problem with our car - it was all wobbly." "Good morning." "We had a couple in here recently who looked just like you." "That was us, wasn't it?" "No, no, they were different, they were leaving." "Well, I must have a double." "Good idea, I think I'll join you." "MUSIC:" "The Planets Op32 - "Jupiter" by Gustav Holst" "'That's right - don't sit forward, you're too full." "'Ah..." "'Toast the crumpet of your soul on these images." "'Let out a puddingy burp and enjoy." "'This is the ultimate Sunday afternoon chill-out DVD." "'Over the next 14 hours, 'we'll be lulling you into sofary oblivion with, among other things, 'all the establishing shots from ITV's Kingdom." "'But without anything as jolting as the plot." "'Vicars walking across lawns, 'some pretty objects from the Antiques Roadshow." "'But instead of the stress of hearing what things are worth, 'we just dubbed it over with the phrase "enough money to last forever".'" "So you should look to insure it for..." "'Enough money to last forever." "'A crossword being filled in with the names of characters from Dad's Army... '..and then smeared with delicious jam." "'And exclusive footage of a Beefeater being hosed down with cream.'" "Oh, lovely, I'll just turn round so you can do my back." "'So sit back, stifle a horseradishy fart with a chintzy cushion 'and immerse yourself in the audio-visual equivalent 'of a hot bath of cake.'" "Oh, I don't know if I've got the energy to keep fighting the robots now." "'That Sunday Sensation chill-out, 'brought to you by your robot masters.'" "ROBOT:" "Nice cup of tea, puny humans?" "'Do you like arguing on the internet?" "Do you like your phone?" "'" "PHONE BEEPS" "'Then you'll love Text-A-Blog." "'Our team of furious teenagers 'and disillusioned 30-somethings are waiting for you to text in, 'so they can react to your opinions with baffling vitriol." "'It's fast, angry and pointless." "'Text-A-Blog - it's like strangers having contempt for you 'but on your phone." "'Terms and conditions apply." "Please enjoy eye-watering ignorance responsibly.'" "Are you all right, mate?" "Um, yeah, it's nothing." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, it's just..." "my back's really sore." "Just right at the top, it's making everything difficult." "D'you want me to give you a massage?" "What?" "Oh, er, no." "No, thanks." "Suit yourself." "It's just that, you know, people say they'll give you a massage, then there's this really awkward few minutes while they do it and it's a bit painful and they're touching you in a weird way." "But I've been studying massage for the last six weeks." "Have you?" "Yeah, fuck the oboe, that's not a life skill, massage is." "That's where it's at." "Oh." "Right, well..." "Oh, go on then, give it a go." "Great!" "Mmm, oh...!" "Whoar!" "Ooh!" "Ohhh!" "Ooh!" "Oh, oh!" "Oh, yeah!" "Ohh!" "Ooh...!" "R-R-Robert..." "Ohh!" "Mmm!" "Ohh!" "R-R-Robert!" "Yeah?" "Er, this, er...this massage you've been studying..." "Massage, yeah." "Is it sort of... erotic massage?" "Massage is...is scientific, mate." "Massage is massage, you know - relaxes muscles, relieves tension, creates lovely little tingles." "Yes, OK, but this massage you've been studying, is it erotic massage?" "All right, yes, yes, it is." "All right?" "Yes, it's erotic massage." "You have to make me feel small, don't you?" "Small and stupid." "I thought it would be a nice thing to do, but no, you have to ruin it..." "Aaahhh!" "Where are you going?" "Away!" "I mean... finish me off!" "Come and sit down, Alison and Peter, this is a very exciting moment for me." "I'm blown away to be in the same room as the two people who came up with my most favourite show of all time, Numberwang." "Now, let me introduce my team - disabled ethnic, teenage poofter and woman." "Don't talk to them!" "They're just here to tick boxes." "And do you know what, none of them went to Oxford." "I love diversity." "I went to Oxford." "Sorry, what I meant to say is I didn't go to Oxford." "I did!" "So, it's fantastic to have you both here, Alison and Peter." "Amanda, get these guys some drugs." "..Amanda went to Oxford too, by which I mean Amanda didn't go to Oxford either." "So, one question - how the hell did you ever come up with Numberwang?" "Well, um..." "Peter, I don't want to know." "Please don't tell me." "Great story, I'm not interested." "Now, I'm not gonna pretend to understand the creative process, because I don't understand the creative process and because I don't know how to pretend, but we all agree that Numberwang has been off our screens for far too long," "so I want you to have a look at this." "This is a picture of a hot woman who let me touch her boob once, yes!" "Don't look at the box tickers." "See that ethnic one, he'll be the head of News one day, if we let him, which we won't." "Now, here's a list of the kind of people that watch the sort of programmes that we make." "Ah, your demographics." "I don't like to use that word, Alison, because I don't know what it means." "Now, the sort of person who watched Numberwang was old, weird, had a hat, smelled and were Belgian, which is brilliant in a way that is awful." "But nowadays we're appealing to a different kind of audience, an audience that is young, diverse, youngly diverse, diversely young, ethnically youthful and homosexually young, and we think that that audience wants us to bring back Numberwang" "in a way that retains all of its original features, but is basically like Skins." "We've got this proposal..." "Peter, I don't want to read your proposal," "I'm not gonna read it, I can't read it, I don't know how to read." "I used to know how to read, but when I took this job, they burnt out a large part of my brain with a hot wire." "So answer this question in two words." "Can you make the programme - yes yes or no no?" "No, no, we don't wanna make it." "That's fantastic!" "Here's some money, I want it by the beginning of next month." "And remember, young, young, youthy, young, teenagers, young people, youthsome teenager, youngness, and above all, Numberwang!" "Do it, make it now, make me the new Numberwang, go and make the new Numberwang, bring me the new Numberwang!" "Do it!" "Numberwang, Numberwang, Numberwang, Numberwang!" "Amanda, can you get me some new pants in here, please?" "I think I may have pissed myself and come at the same time." "I think there might be a documentary in it." "'From the people who brought you Glucosade Port and Peakers Cressps 'comes Marmitt." "All the great taste of Marmite in a glove.'" "This glove tastes of Marmite!" "HE CHOKES" "Are you all right?" "No, I just tried to eat a glove." "'Marmitt - it's the great Marmite-tasting glove 'that's not suitable for human consumption.'" "I think he's dead." "Oh, my dear brother Philip, you look so thin." "Thank you for coming, Arthur." "Your brother is to be executed tonight." "You have half an hour, then you must leave." "But that's barbaric!" "How am I supposed to say all I need to say to my dear, innocent brother in half an hour?" "Only half an hour." "I know, it's terrible." "We have so much to say to each other, my dear brother." "Yes, yes, we do." "And so little time." "Yeah." "How is Mother?" "Fine." "Good." "And Father?" "Still dead." "And little Dorothy?" "Fine, yes." "Everyone's fine, we're all good, thanks." "I mean, really upset that you're getting executed, but that goes without saying." "Yeah, thanks." "Just 29 minutes left." "I know." "Oh!" "Yes." "Any trouble getting here?" "No." "Good." "So...so much to say." "Thanks for being such a great brother." "You're welcome, and likewise." "Thanks." "And, um..." "Just twenty-eight-and-a-half minutes left." "Still so much to say." "Yeah." "And, er...thanks for being a great brother..." "Said that." "Getting executed..." "I'm fine..." "Yeah, I'm just trying to think." "Um..." "I think that's it." "Right..." "That actually didn't take as long as I thought." "No." "Look, I don't mind if you need to..." "Shall I...?" "Yeah, you pop off." "I'll be fine." "Well, you know." "Yeah." "Well, goodbye then, Philip, my...my dear brother." "Goodbye." "Hello!" "Guard, I'm ready!" "He's probably gone for a cup of tea." "He probably thought we were gonna use the whole..." "The whole half an hour, yeah." "We probably gave him that impression, yes." "Let me out!" "I'm ready, let me out!" "I'm finished!" "Let me out!" "Let him out!" "For God's sake, let him out!" "Let me out, let me out!" "Let him out of here!" "Let me out, guard!" "We've finished!" "Let him out of here!"