"( theme song playing )" "( car horn beeps )" "( birds chirping )" "Guten Morgen." "What an adorable little baby, Fraulein." "Thank you." "Mm-hmm." "We just had a little boy like this." "She's a girl." "I always have that trouble." "For two weeks, I was calling my little daughter Adolph." "She's a very cute baby." "That is the weekly underground report." "Good work." "We also heard General von Richter has been seen in this area." "The Blue Baron?" "Yes." "There's a rumor that they have moved the 16th fighter squadron to this section." "Ah, we'll check in..." "Please, do not disturb the child." "She must have her nap." "Yes." "What is the little darling's name?" "Christina." "Oh." "( whispering ):" "An SS man." "Just act natural." "Must be lonely sitting with a baby every night, Fraulein." "Not really." "Why don't you come up to my place and sit with me?" "They're, uh, not making nannies like they used to." "Roger, London." "We'll get back to you as soon as we can." "Over and out." "Hi, Colonel." "Hi, hi." "You'll never guess in a million years who's in town." "Here, let me just take a wild shot at it." "Um, the Blue Baron?" "How'd you know that?" "I have extrasensory, supernatural powers of clairvoyance." "He also listens to the radio from London." "Is that the same Blue Baron who's a German war ace?" "Yeah, shot down more planes in World War I than Buddy Rogers." "I read he had a lot of class." "Yeah, when he shot down an enemy plane, he'd fly over the Allied air field and drop the pilot's scarf, goggles and rabbit's foot." "Colonel?" "Yeah, Kinch?" "The headquarters thinks that General von Richter may have established a secret air base in this area." "They want us to locate it so our bombers can knock it out." "Roll call!" "Roll call!" "Klink is coming!" "And not a moment too soon." "This assignment calls for our secret weapon." "What secret weapon?" "Klink's big mouth." "All right, bet you ten marks" "Langenscheidt does know." "Sir, I'll bet you ten marks he doesn't know." "You're on." "Know what?" "Who General von Richter is." "General von Richter, the Blue Baron?" "The greatest flier in the world." "Yeah, well, I say he's in command of the 17th squadron and Newkirk says the 15th." "Oh, you're both wrong." "It's the 16th." "And they've just been transferred here to Hammelburg, right?" "Oh, no, I assure you, Colonel Hogan, that the general could not be stationed in this area." "What makes you so sure?" "He is a close personal friend of Colonel Klink's." "They were classmates at flying school." "There's a great combination-- the Blue Baron and the Yellow Peasant." "Langenscheidt!" "Ja, mein Kommandant?" "Why are you standing around talking to the prisoners?" "You wouldn't want him to talk to the other guards." "They'd bore him to death." "Report!" "All present and accounted for, Herr Kommandant." "Dismissed." "HOGAN:" "Colonel Klink." "Yes, Hogan?" "Langenscheidt tells us you took pilot training with General von Richter." "Ooh, I was his hero." "He idolized me." "We were roommates." "Really?" "What would you say was the one thing that made the Blue Baron the greatest fighter pilot in World War I?" "Me." "You?" "Taught him everything he knew about flying." "That's why I was known to my classmates as The Eagle." "Because you could fly, or because you were bald?" "I don't have to defend my ability as a pilot to you, Colonel." "You know, Colonel, it's hard to believe that the Baron could get credit for shooting down 75 enemy planes." "How'd he do it?" "First, you have to be a great flier." "Second, you have to be a great shot." "And third, it helps to have a brother in Berlin who's a great publicity agent." "You and the Baron went through a lot together." "You still keep in touch?" "He was never much for writing." "When was the last time you heard from him?" "Just before the Battle of Verdun." "Did Klink give you any information about the Blue Baron?" "Yeah, they took pilot training together." "Do they still keep in touch?" "Not really." "The last time the Blue Baron wrote Klink was with a quill pen." "That's too bad." "If von Richter was still friendly with Klink, we might be able to find out exactly where he's stationed." "The way Klink talked, I don't think they're going to be having a class reunion." "But the Blue Baron might come to Klink's party." "What party?" "The party I'm going to talk Klink into having for the Blue Baron." "And in addition the siren and the barbed wire," "I again request from the quartermaster another spare monocle." "I do not feel that those of us who only have one weak eye should be discriminated against." "I patiently await your shipment," "Heil Hitler, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." "Hi, Hilda." "Mr. Big in?" "Yes, Mr. Big is in." "If you're busy, I can come back." "No, no, no, no." "Hilda, you may go." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "State your business, Hogan." "I have many things to do." "Yeah, I was, uh, I was thinking about your friend, the Blue Baron." "You know..." "Do you know even in America the name von Richter is a household word?" "Look, Hogan, I do not want to hear any more about von Richter." "I see no reason why the name Klink shouldn't be a household word." "What do you mean?" "You've got to stop letting everybody else grab the headlines." "You've got a point there." "Your problem is, you're too modest." "You know something, Hogan?" "That has always been my problem." "Mm-hmm." "There's no reason in the world why you shouldn't be the topic of conversation in every German officer's club." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "That is the curse of being a humble man." "You've always been tops in humility." "But what can a humble man do except to continue being a brilliant officer?" "But nobody knows that." "You've got to play the social game, like the Blue Baron and Burkhalter and that crowd." "The social game?" "The real prisoner in this camp is your great personality." "True, Hogan." "I never thought of it that way." "You ought to let it go free, let the right people see it." "What have you got in mind?" "Circulate more." "Throw a few parties." "Let them see the Klink charm, the Klink wit." "Yes, Hogan, yes." "I mean, at Hitler's birthday last month, who got all the laughs with Frau Goring's hat on his head, huh?" "I'm always the life of the party." "( laughs )" "Ask Hilda to come in a minute with her pad, huh?" "Why ask Frau Hilda to come in?" "To send out the invitations." "But I..." "I handled this sort of thing in the Pentagon." "Oh." "Now, first thing you got to add is General Burkhalter, he's key." "Mm-hmm." "Then General Grunwald-- carries a lot of weight at headquarters." "Yes, yes, yes." "And, um, oh..." "General von Richter." "Adolph loves him." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "And, uh, Colonel Danzig." "I understand he decorated Mrs. Goring's apartment." "Mail call." "Mail call." "Hey, when did that arrive?" "Who cares?" "Anything there for me?" "This is a surprise." "Hold it, hold it." "It's not our mail, it's Klink's." "The RSVPs for the party." "Right, I lifted them from Langenscheidt and steamed them open." "Terrific" " I never would have thought of that." "And you wonder why you lost at Waterloo." "General Grunwald." "And one from Colonel Danzig." "Here's the Blue Baron's answer." ""Colonel Klink, when I received your invitation," ""for a moment I had forgotten who you were." ""However, the weather turned cold and my knee stiffened up" ""as it has since August the fourth, 1917," ""when you panicked and almost killed the two of us" ""in that training crash." "Instead of your party, I'll be soaking my knee."" "What's Colonel Danzig's say?" "Just two words-- "Klink who?"" "Well, there goes the party." "Yeah, I think we can safely assume ol' Klink isn't much of a draw." "Well, it was a great plan, Colonel." "It sure was." "Made just one mistake." "What was that?" "I never should have invited Klink to his own party." "Guten Morgen, Colonel Hogan." "Hi, Hilda." "Happy Hun in his office?" "Yeah, but he won't be so happy when General Burkhalter is finished with him." "Oh, really?" "Burkhalter raking him over the coals?" "By now he's ready to be basted." "( chuckling )" "Honey, I like a funny Fraulein, and pretty, too." "Um... how would you like to make a few phone calls for me?" "I should actually report this to Berlin." "They know how to deal with frivolous officers who are throwing parties." "Believe me, General Burkhalter," "I did not intend for this to be a fun party." "Achtung!" "I was going to insist that everybody have a terrible time." "If you were there, Klink, they couldn't miss." "You're right, Herr General." "I realize I've always been a party pooper." "And dumb, too." "And dumb, too." "Dumb enough to think that I would come to a party in the middle of a war?" "I should have known, General Burkhalter, that any man as dedicated to the Fatherland as you would never take time off for a party." "Achtung!" "It would be like inviting the Fuhrer." "He would take the time, but not me." "I assure you, General Burkhalter," "I shall never have any party..." "Achtung!" "...except a victory party." "I hope so, Klink, because if you ever decide to have another party, you will be serving the wine of the country-- vodka." "Hello, Major?" "I'm calling for Colonel Klink." "Would you please tell General von Richter that Colonel Klink is so sorry the general won't be able to attend the party tomorrow night?" "Oh, yes, he will extend the general's regrets to Honey Hornburg and the Stuttgart Steppers." "Oh, they're an exotic dance group." "Thank you, Major." "Well, from the sound of the major's voice, if von Richter can't come to the party, he will." "Good girl." "Now call Colonel Danzig and General Grunwald, give them the same message." "Connect me with..." "BURKHALTER:" "We can only win this war if every soldier lives the same" "Spartan existence as I do." "Up at 6:00, in bed by 10:00." "And every moment thinking of..." "Hogan, what are you doing here?" "Hogan, out, out!" "Didn't mean to interrupt, sir, but I just came to volunteer my men to help out at your party." "There is not going to be a party." "What a shame." "This is going to come as a terrible blow to Honey Hornburg and the Stuttgart Steppers." "Honey Hornburg and her Stuttgart Steppers?" "!" "Didn't you tell him, Colonel?" "I bet I blew the surprise." "Hogan, you never once said that..." "Klink!" "Yes, General." "I have been thinking." "All the men in this area have been under a lot of tension lately." "A little party might be just what they need." "But, General, you said that..." "Klink!" "I said it was good for morale." "Have the party as planned." "Certainly, General... but I think it's a shame that you won't be coming." "Who won't be coming?" "If the fuhrer won't come, I can come." "Well, sir, everything's working out beautifully for you." "Hogan..." "But don't overdo a good thing." "Send everybody home at 10:00." "Show Burkhalter you're just as Spartan as he is." "Why did you have to make up a story like this?" "( phone rings ) Telephone." "Hello, Klink speaking." "Ah, Baron von Richter." "What a pleasure to hear from you, sir." "I'm just fine, thank you, sir." "How's your knee?" "I see." "And what's that, sir?" "Uh, no, sir, I did not receive a note from you." "Oh, I'm so glad that you can come, sir." "I shall be delighted to see you again." "Yes, sir, thank you, sir." "That was the Blue Baron." "He has accepted the invitation." "Well, why not?" "He idolized you." "( phone rings )" "Hello, Klink speaking." "Yes?" "General Grunwald." "Yes." "No, sir..." "I did not receive a note from you." "I'm delighted you can come, sir." "Thank you, sir." "And that was Grunwald." "He's accepted the invitation." "Who could turn you down?" "Wait..." "General Burkhalter will be expecting Honey Hornburg and her Stuttgart Steppers, and it's your fault!" "It was the only way I could get him to okay the party." "But how can I get these girls here?" "Do you really think that Honey Hornburg would turn down your invitation knowing who's going to be at the party?" "You're right, Hogan." "Women talk." "She's heard about me." "Right..." "but just to play it safe, casually mention that the Blue Baron is coming." "And, as I came out of my dive, there was victim number 73." "Oh, Baron, how thrilling." "It was nothing, my dear, and for this, the Kaiser gave me this little medal." "Oh... naughty, naughty." "( laughing ):" "Of course!" "Klink!" "Uh, would you forgive me, please?" "Yes, Herr General?" "Excuse me." "This has been a wonderful party." "Oh, I'm so glad that you're enjoying yourself, sir." "I haven't had this much fun since the day we marched into Russia." "That's very good, good." "Have you ever been to Dusseldorf?" "Ah, they love me in Dusseldorf." "They appreciate class acts." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, my dear Baron... why aren't you dancing with this, uh, lovely lady, hmm?" "Yes, Baron, you must dance with me." "No." "Thank you, my dear, but I don't think I would be very good." "Oh, please do." "Of course you will-- you will enjoy yourself." "Oh, b-by the way, when was the last time you danced?" "August 4, 1917." "( laughs ):" "That's, uh, very..." "Roger, London." "The timing should be perfect." "Over and out." "The Eighth Air Force has two groups airborne." "They rendezvous over Hammelburg at 2400 hours." "Gives us two hours to tail the Blue Baron's car, find out where his airfield is, and set off the flares." "General, it's 10:00." "Time to say good night." "Klink, you were right." "You are a party pooper." "No, no, no, Herr General, we are just following your example of Spartan training." "The Spartans didn't go to bed at 10:00 on Saturday night." "Today's Wednesday." "Every night is Saturday night when you are with Honey Hornburg." "Hogan, the party is still going on." "Hasn't Burkhalter left yet?" "No, and doesn't look like he's going to." "What about the Blue Baron?" "Well, he's still sitting on the couch." "I don't know if he's having a good time or if he can't get up because of his bad knee." "That doesn't give us much time." "Come on." "( clears throat )" "You jolly well better get over there soon and remind General Burkhalter it's past 10:00." "But he's having such a good time." "Why should he leave now?" "He's going to blame you for it, sir, in the morning, when he wakes up, looks in that mirror, and sees those bloodshot Spartan eyes." "Maybe you're right, Newkirk." "Uh, uh, uh, General Burkhalter," "I, uh, think it's about time we all say good night now." "All right, everybody say good night to Klink." "ALL:" "Good night!" "( laughing )" "Colonel Hogan!" "Hi, hi." "How nice to see you." "Yeah." "Come on and join us." "General, are you always so friendly with the prisoners?" "My darling, when you are in love, the whole world is German." "Well, look, I, uh, hate to bother you, General, but I have to take my men back to the barracks." "It's after 10:00." "Let them stay up, Hogan." "It's Saturday night." "It's Wednesday night." "It is Saturday night, Klink, and that's an order!" "That's an order." "Yeah, have fun." "No luck with Burkhalter, huh?" "Yeah, he's flying pretty high." "Two more drinks, and he'll be on instruments." "What about the Blue Baron-- you think he's going to leave?" "No, he's set his sights on that blonde." "I think she's going to be kill number 76." "We don't have too much time before those bombers come over." "Ah, we're dead, sir, dead." "The Blue Baron's the only one who could lead us to his air base." "Well, there's one other person who knows where it is." "Who's that?" "His driver." "Well, he won't leave, sir, without the Blue Baron." "The Blue Baron is leaving." "Driver!" "The baron is leaving." "( laughing )" "I'm afraid he's had a little too much to drink." "You take us back to the air base." "We'll take care of him when we get there." "Jawohl." "Ah!" "Watch your leg." "( grunting )" "( engine starting )" "Is that the air field?" "Jawohl." "Stop." "Here?" "Please." "Those planes'll be over any minute." "Yeah, there's the fence around the air field." "All right, you two go set off the flares." "I'll stand by the road and watch for the guard." "All right, sir." "( planes flying overhead )" "( plane engine rumbling )" "( shouts )" "Hey, Newkirk, I can't swim!" "I can't swim." "Car..." "Carter." "Why don't you stand up, then?" "Oh, this is bloody charming." "Oh, boy." "Hope the water hasn't ruined the flares." "Do you have any matches, Carter?" "Yeah, yeah, I-I think they were..." "With the flares, right?" "Ooh, you're clever, you are." "I can get a fire started." "Do you think it's going to work?" "Well, sure." "I got a merit badge." "Oh, well, then..." "What are you doing?" "( with German accent ):" "Uh, we are taking survival training." "OFFICER:" "Stand up!" "NEWKIRK:" "Giving an order to a general, Officer?" "OFFICER:" "Then why are you wearing those shoes?" "Now march!" "HOGAN:" "Halt!" "What's going on here?" "Who are you?" "I am General von Richter." "Show me your identification papers." "He's not a general." "Look at this boots." "What happened to you two?" "Oh, we went for a bit of a swim, sir." "Fell in that pond, and the flares got all wet, but don't worry, sir." "I can get a fire started in just a jiffy." "He won a merit badge, didn't you, Carter?" "Hold it like this..." "Yeah?" "I think it's coming." "I think I smell some smoke." "I think you're right, Carter." "It's getting hotter already." "Let's get out of here." "How did that get started?" "In my troop, we did it with rocks." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Did you hear from the munitions dump?" "Ah, good." "Thank you, Major." "Colonel, what was all that noise about last night?" "That noise was your stupid comrades dropping bombs in their usual stupid manner." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "For your information, no military installation in this area has reported any damage." "Well, you win some, you lose some." "Ah, Baron von Richter." "Good morning, sir." "What a pleasure to see you." "Did you get back to your base all right last night?" "Mm, yeah, I got back there, all right, but when I got there..." "it wasn't there." "One of your airfields is missing?" "Klink... every time I get mixed up with you, you are a jinx." "I never want you to contact me again." "And that's an order!" "( door slams )" "The ingrate." "The way he acts, no one would know that I was the one who taught him how to fly." "Oh, everybody would know." "They can tell by his limp."