"Mum?" "Mum, what's going on?" "It's 5:30 in the morning." "Shhh!" "No so much time." "You need to go." "Now." "You can put these on on the way." "But school doesn't start until..." "Just trust me." "You need to get out of here, fast." "Whatever you do don't let your Nana see you." "Where are they?" "Where are my angel babies?" "Morning, you." "Morning." "Morning, Len." "Is that our old house?" "Oh, no." "I was just looking at this advert for online poker." "I was thinking of getting involved in that whole- whole scene." "It's a very ordinary boring day today, Jenny." "Yes." "It's certainly no major public celebrations, as far as I'm aware." "Psst, Len." "In here." "Nothing I can help you with in there, Nicholas." "No no no no." "I just need a quick word somewhere the ladies can't hear us." "I love your scent." "There, I said it." "It's out there." "Right oh." "So... what are you wearing big man?" "It's not *** bedroom, there's a full double bedroom." "Morning, lovely!" "Morning, Mum." "Now, I won't say "Happy Valentine's Day" because I know you hate me doing that." "More lovesongs." "This next song is for Jenny wishing her a very happy Valentine's Day from her loving mum." "It's a differenet Jenny." "Just to be clear that's Jenny Miller upstairs in her bedroom kicking back having a *** with her mates." "From her mum, Alma." "But I will say "Happy February 14th!"" "Thanks, Mum." "And?" "what's he got you?" "Oh, Nick?" "Oh, we don't really do Valentine's Day." "Oh, love is in the air..." "It's not really a big deal for us." "Oh..." "I haven't seen the kids today." "I went into their room at 6:00 and every ten minutes thereafter till 8:00, but there was no sign of them." "I'll catch up with them later." "One way or another." "Morning, poppet." "Morning, love." "Postman's been." "Oh, yes?" "Oh..." "Oh!" "Oh, that's lovely." "Thank you, dear." "Thank you." "Oh, nothing says romance quite like a kitten in victorian dress." "Thank you." "Your little kitten loves you." "We shall receive our card now." "Right." "Leonard, this is a Christmas card." "Greatest love story ever told that." "Mary and Joseph." "Look what Nigel has given me!" "Oh, wow!" "Oh, wow." "You can see what it is?" "It's beautiful." "It's me, Mum, and the girls!" "Oh it's you!" "It's you and the girls." "Jenny can you see?" "Look, our Audi is there in the background!" "Oh, the whole family!" "44 years of marriage and never once have you commissioned a portrait of me." "And are we going out to dinner, Len?" "Table's booked, Coach and Horses, with carvery." "Tonight?" "Well, tonight, tomorrow, what's the difference?" "They just hike the prices." "The difference is tomorrow is not Valentine's Day." "Buck your ideas up, and I want a proper car." "This one is rejected." "Do you know where this painting would look beautiful?" "Buckingham Palace." "When did you say Nigel gets back from Dubai?" "Is it October?" "November." "I couldn't do it Chris." "Maybe I'm a simple soul but" "I'd rather have no painting but a husband in the same time zone." "Oh, Jenny." "How thoughtless of me." "It's the house auction, isn't it?" "Your old house is getting auctioned off today." "Is it?" "I-I don't know that." "Aha." "Oh." "Oh, my-my house?" "Yeah, my house is getting auctioned off today." "I knew that." "Poor Jenny." "You must be thinking my life's gone so wildly wrong that the bank are having to sell my house to make a dent in my massive pile of debt." "I'm fine, honestly." "I've moved on." "It's like history, isn't it?" "It's like the Battle of Hastings." "I mean who won that?" "Who knows?" "Who cares?" "Someone got one in the eye, everyone went home." "Boring!" "Next!" "You know?" "Well... some of us got to find work." "So..." "I'll be off." "Very good, Sam." "Especially the paragraph on ***" "Where is my beautiful girl?" "Sam!" "Oh, Sam." "We ain't got much but we're happy." "Sam?" "*** You here to bid?" "That's the idea." "Yeah." "I'm just sort of having a look." "Just curious." "I just saw it listed and I thought the guide price is very low." "Just quite interested to see what it goes for." "Didn't you think that the guide price was a little low?" "I thought it was rather ambitious truth be known." "Have you had a look around?" "Well, right." "So you know that it's spacious, it's wonderfully decorated, the tiles in the kitchen..." "Right." "Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen!" "We're here to *** sale of lot 216." "A 3-4 bedroom semi-detached property." "Lovely family home, perhaps in need of some modernization." "Particularly in the kitchen." "Who'll start the bidding at 400.000?" "It's low." "Very low." "350?" "Oh, come on, don't be shy!" "350. 350 I have." "Do I have 370?" "What?" "Hello, Jenny!" "Uh, just ringing to say that I attach no significance to today's date." "I'm not organizing any surprises, just another ordinary, boring thur..." "Are we all done at 420?" "420 my final bid." "What?" "420?" "£420.000 going once." "Come on mate, aren't you going to have a go?" "Going twice." "That's scandalous!" "Goind three times and..." "450!" "I have a new bidder." "450 the high-bid." "460?" "Yes." "470?" "480?" "500!" "£500.000." "500.000 going once." "Whoah." "Whoah, whoah, whoah." "Going twice." "Come on, anyone?" "Going three times..." "Hang on, would you slow down?" "Give everybody else a chance." "Do I have 510?" "Or even just 501?" "That would beat me." "Sold!" "For the lady in the unnecessary sunglasses." "Nick?" "Hello, Jenny on this very ordinary thursday." "Nick, shut up." "This is serious." "I've done something really stupid." "Oh, god, me too." "You know the downstairs toilet?" "Somehow I..." "No, Nick, listen." "I can't explain how but I bought our old house." "Jenny, that's brilliant why didn't we think of just doing that before?" "No, Nick, it's not brilliant cause we haven't got any money!" "Yeah, but now we've got an asset, we can borrow against that!" "Nick, just listen, okay?" "I've committed fraud." "Something as light fraud, but it is sort of jaily." "I need you to get down here, and get me out of this." "Right." "Wha-wha-what do I say?" "I don't know, anything." "Just make something up." "An emergency." "Just come down here and rescue me before anybody makes me sign anything legally binding." "I'm on my way." "I'm on my way." "Just stall them!" "Right." "I'll just stall them for 2-3 hours." "Hey, guys!" "Just realized we're about to complete a major financial transaction and I don't" " I don't know anything about you." "Who you are." "I mean really, hopes, dreams?" "Who is Tim..." "Wilcox?" "I mean the real Tim Wilcox." "Len?" "I need to go and meet Jenny." "Urgent." "Can you give me a lift?" "Yes, he can because he's going out to buy me a proper Valentine's card!" "So where do we taking her?" "Oh, just a couple of hours down the M1." "And then?" "And then I guess I'll *** my remaining days in a flat, in one of those complexes where the warden checks on you." "Something like ***" "Right." "To mark the occasion would you think it terribly sentimental of me if I sang a *** of Les Misérables?" "In all room in the house." "Bidding on her own house." "Dear, dear, dear." "I knew she wasn't coping as well as she made out." "I know." "I told her you mustn't entirely blame yourself for all of this, Jenny." "Because in a weird way it might even be partly my fault." "You can't think like that, can you?" "Otherwise you'd be giving up on your dreams, and getting a job." "And all like must pay bills, must put bread on table, must put bread on table." "A little music I think." "Looking at diagram two on page 148, we can see that the exterior angle of any triangle is always equal to the sum of the two opposite..." "Good god." "Becky, is there something you want to share with the class?" "Absolutely not." "I dreamed a dream in times gone by when hope was high and life worth living." "I dreamed that love would never die..." "It's nice being in a space this small with you and your fragrance, Len." "Is it Old Spice?" "Is it Boots ***?" "Is it a special aftershave you were given during national service?" "What you're smelling, Nick, is nothing more than Sainsbury's basic soap, a little linseed oil, and some good old fashioned ***" "With the emphasis on the latter." "Has anybody seen Sam and Becky Pope?" "It's their Nana." "I'm looking for Sam and Becky." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Don't breathe." "Where are my angel babies?" "Can I help you, Madam?" "Oh, yes." "I'm looking for Sam and Becky Pope, it's their Nana." "Come this way." "Oh, thank you very much." "Nobody's seen them in that class where I was looking..." "Okay." "Plan." "And it works every time in films or cartoons." "I call the estate agent behind the bush, cosh him on the head and steal his uniform." "He-He won't be wearing uniform." "Okay, new plan." "We're two priests, here to exercise the house of a bothersome ghost, Jenny." "No." "We are bent coppers, here to hide drugs." "Nicholas, I will handle this." "You can be in charge of sitting at the back of the car, waiting." "Quietly." "Rodger that." "Oh, captain." "My captain." "Not in my castle on... a... cloud." "We really need you to sign this now." "Yes, I think that it's literally impossible to delay any more, so I'll sign your legally binding documents and then I will give you..." "how much again?" "500.000." "Did I say five hundred thousand or did I just say five hundred, technically?" "Five hundred thousand pounds." "Yes, of course." "Okay, I need to come clean about some..." "Stop!" "Don't sign, there's been a mistake." "What's this, Elliot?" "With the listing, there is an error in the listing." "I just spoke with ***" "Madam I very sorry to say but your auction will have to be restaged." "What?" "WHAT?" "!" "I'm incredibly sorry." "You'll of course be able to bid again." "Well, I might not want to, now!" "You know?" "The house, it's tainted for me now." "It's as good as ruined!" "Madam, we can't apologize enough." "You will of course be compensated." "Yes, that's right, I will course be compensated." "I am a terrible drugs cop!" "When she died 9 years ago..." "Nick, shut up!" "Nick?" "Dad?" "Go away!" "Gentlemen, this young lady is my daughter." "Now I won't beat about bush, I've come to furnish you with the full facts." "Shut up." "She can't afford the house." "She simply hasn't any money." "Now you may of course inform the authorities, that is your right, but I would ask you man to man, please, show a little class." "Alright poppet, now I'll see you back at home because" "I've just got to go and get a leaf card for you mother." "I don't know why Len needs to get a greetings card, there's certainly no greetings card occasions today." "Nick, I know you haven't forgotten Valentine's Day." "Are you looking forward to getting your card?" "I am a bit, yeah." "It is a Nick Pope special." "I *** that the post office's out of glitter." "Go away!" "Closed." "I just want a Valentine's Card." "No, sold out." "Go away." "Oh, do you have any cards at all?" "Five pound." "Damned cheek!" "Oh, you're back?" "Is everything alright, Alma?" "I just being silly." "Don't suppose you did get me the card, did you?" "Doesn't matter." "Listen, dear..." "Psst, Len!" "Just-just a wee second." "Here you go old friend." "I want you to have this." "You need it more than I do." "Oh, Nick, that's most kind." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Nick, Nick." "What's this?" "It's called solid oak." "It was discontinued in 1978." "I keep a modest stockpile." "Use a *** It's very important." "They say Sean Connery used to bath in it." "Oh, Leonard!" "It's ridiculously big." "Oh, Len there's a verse!" "There is?" "No no there is." "To my lovely loving wife, If not for you I'd end my life." "I love you smile you little tum tum, and there I say your cheeky bum bum." "Oh, Leonard." "Fresh." "Well, that's what I wrote." "I'll put this out there it's not a crime, will you be my Valentine?" "Oh, Leonard, I love it." "Oh, good, dear." "Good, good." "That's nice, dear." "So what about this carvery dinner?" "Oh, we can go tomorrow, I don't mind." "No, no." "Tomorrow isn't Valentine's Day." "Come on, you ***" "Oh, Jenny." "I'm afraid I can't give you your card." "Why not?" "Well, I've just given it to your dad." "to get him out of the dog house, not, you know..." "Oh, Nick, that's really sweet." "Did I just see my parents go out?" "Yeah, yeah, they've just gone for a meal." "And where are the kids?" "I don't know." "Do you think it's safe to come out yet?" "Best give it another couple of hours." "Sure they're fine." "Yeah..." "So we got the place to ourselves?" "Oh..." "For the first time in weeks." "Opportunities like this don't come up too often." "How about we skip the main course and go straight to ***" "What's up?" "You smell exactly like my dad!" "I know!" "Where are you going?" "I'm just going to have a Wagon wheel and *** my iPhone." "Synced by slake"