"ALL YOU MEN ARE ALIKE" "If wives were worth having God would have one." "Joaquin!" "What are you doing?" "Is there a problem?" "What's going on?" "Are you sick?" "I feel wonderful." "Listen, you have a break." "I'll take over." "Hands off!" "What's going on?" "Half the passengers are throwing up." "There's no turbulence." "Believe me, there is." "Yeah, in your head." "Captaln Soler Informs us  that we are In an area of turbulence." "We shall be through It very soon." "They'll soon see what I'm capable of." "Place your seats  In the upright position." "Bastards." "As Mom said, there are good women but they're all dead." "What are you doing here?" "The uniform may give you a clue." "But this isn't your duty." "It seems my duty is to let my ex-wife and my lawyer humiliate and bankrupt me." "Joaquin, just let me explain." "This leech got my money, my house, my kid and now she's screwing my lawyer and friend." "I don't think this is exactly the place..." "You're wrong." "It's perfect." "You know why?" "Give me what's mine or we'll never see Rome." "Really!" "Stop behaving like an idiot." "What about that clown?" "Forget it." "All he can do is insult people." "You're tiresome and pathetic!" "Change the divorce settlement or I'll crash this plane." "You haven't got the balls." "I haven't got the balls?" "She says I haven't got the balls." "You've blown it." "I swear your divorce has nothing to do with Ester and me." "I'm a professional, my personal..." "I don't care if you've screwed her." "How unpleasant." "I want my child and half my house, so draw up a new agreement." "Don't even listen to him." "In 12 minutes, we'll be flying over Corsica." "And in 13 minutes I'll ditch us in the Strait of Bonifacio." "Look, I'm shaking." "You will be." "You've no idea what I'm capable of doing." "Haven't I?" "Go and crash your plane." "Ester, don't provoke him." "Yeah, don't wind him up." "With you, it's in one ear out the other." "Have a good trip." "Think for a minute, Captain." "Calm down." "I'm perfectly calm." "You don't do important things rashly." "All he ever does is screw all my friends." "I never screwed Tere!" "Admit that!" "Tere's a lesbian." "I'm not prejudiced." " No, you're just a bastard!" " Shut up!" "I think you enjoy this!" "Rat!" "You've hurt me so much I wish you would crash the plane just so I could see you die!" "She asked for it." "It's not worth it." "Want a cigarette?" "Kill yourself for a woman?" "She'd love that!" " They're like that." " It's best to ignore them." "Otherwise, they'll think you love them." " Or need them." " Or can't live without them." "The truth is, you can't live with them." "Because they take your freedom, your money, your health." "The statistics show we die first." "You know there's one widower for every two widows." "And ex-wives are the worst of all." " They make our lives impossible." " The bitches enjoy doing it." "An ex-wife is worse than cancer." "I know about it." "You needn't tell me!" "You're right, guys." "I have to kill her." "Her?" "Compared to mine, she's a real angel." " Yeah?" " Sure." "The worst are the ones who act submissive, like mine." "Last summer she pulled a real dirty trick on me." "To put it simply she ruined my life." " Really?" " Tell us about it." "For years, Susana nagged at me to buy an apartment by the sea." "When I did, I saw the advantages of having a place to dump your family for the summer." "It's an investment." "For your spirit as well as your pocket." "And now..." "I knew it!" "Christ, Susana!" "What the hell...?" "I prayed the whole way." "Racing along the freeway asking God to let it all by my imagination." "And look!" "The kids?" "Jessie!" "Tamara!" "Have you gone crazy?" "Jessie!" "Tamara!" "Untie me!" " What is it, Mom?" " Look!" "Dad!" "How can you do this to me?" "Let them see what their father's like." "What is she doing to Dad?" " What did I say in the car?" " Pig!" " Louder." " Pig!" "You have no right." "And the girls even less." "I've got no right?" "Who says I've got no right?" "Jessie, Tamara, I love you very much." "It isn't what it seems." "Daddy is playing." "Lorelai!" "No, not Lorelai!" "Yes, Lorelai!" "No, she's the youngest, and she's very young." "Lorelai, come here." "What about that damn knot?" "You see, children?" "That object is your father." "Lorelai, my love!" "Then, between the four of them they kicked me out on the street." "If my wife did that I'd take the kids away from her." "Don't even think about it." "They're a real pain." "What Merche did to me was even worse." " Worse than what mine did?" " Impossible." "A woman can think up things that wouldn't occur to the biggest bastard of a man." " Right!" " I'll say!" " I'll tell you." " No, wait." "Let's..." "Last year I was working In the top architecture studio." "My position there was so good  that my boss asked me to design his new house." "He and his wife were real pleased with It  and everyone presumed I'd be promoted." "We'll be late, darling." "Why all the hurry?" "This is your big night." "But you don't like my boss's parties." "Will I turn off the engine?" "I still remember the seats in our little car." "You're a bit..." "Don't tempt me." "Lover boy." "Drive on." "Ladies and gentlemen, here is the artist!" "What a carry on!" "It's normal, darling." "We're all so pleased with you." "Well..." "My boss's wife sucks me off." "Merceditas!" "Mercedes." "Idiot!" "That's the worst I've ever heard." "Obviously, my boss threw me out and I have to get by somehow." "Only a woman would think of that." "Deep down, they're evil and twisted." "Even a really evil man is noble deep down." "Exactly!" "And that's why they've got us so fucked up!" " They get everything." " Even the kids." "Women are insatiable." "Now it's us who are the weaker sex." "I read that we're running low on spermatozoids." "I'm not surprised." "We have to see women for what they are." "The enemy." "You've said it." "Now that nobody can hear us your boss's wife?" "The plane's dropping, guys." "I'll sign anything I'll leave your wife." "Just go back to the controls and stop risking 200 lives." "Skirt-chaser!" "I don't think it's funny." "My sister-in-law isn't famous for her sense of humor." "Finding your husband playing Basic Instinct isn't funny." "Before calling the kids, I'd have cut it in slices." "With most men, they'd be very thin slices." "You're all so aggressive, I'm sorry I told you." "It's unfair to lay into a woman when she isn't here to defend herself." " I could always lay into you." " Forget it!" "Anything heavy at night always upsets me." "Have you tried belching?" "So..." " You met in the air." " We knew we were kindred spirits." "Dangerous!" "Three divorced men in one house." "If I ever got divorced I'd never share a house." "It might be fun when you're a teenager, but not now." "The reason we're sharing an apartment is to protect ourselves." "Yeah?" "From whom?" " From you women, darling." " And how will you do it?" "By keeping a few rules." "For example, couples are forbidden in this house." "Are you all reverting to manual labor?" "That's not a bad idea." "In any case we can ask a woman to spend one night, but just one." "Women confuse two nights and two screws with a pension for life." "Not so." "I certainly won't get married." "Why should you get married if you like married men?" "You're becoming an even bigger bastard as you get older." "Don't get annoyed." "Married women really turn me on." "They're more..." "How can I put it?" "More understanding." "A divorce is bad for the first six months." "If you survive them, you're flying." "I divorced my first wife for Pilar." "You know what it is to come home and watch the game without your wife nagging you?" "I have a theory." "Men like football so much because you're all a bit gay." "You don't get it, kid." "It's a game for intelligence." " So you don't understand it." " Eat up!" " You explain it to them." " Be careful." "I'll show you a video with the best goals of last season." "You're joking!" "It won't take long." "What can I say?" "I don't like big houses." "You spend all day cleaning." "You might." "I doubt if these three will." "They can't live without a slave." " Yeah, we're useless." " You are." "My husband can't even buy his own shorts." "A woman, even when she has a job spends four hours a day on housework." "A man doesn't spend even one hour." "We do that to let you feel you're indispensable." "So being your beasts of burden gives meaning to our lives." "Take note." "Juan Luis!" "Impose some order here." "They're watching soccer." "Is there soccer today too?" "Sure." "There's a fucking great pass by Buitre." "Look at that!" "It's one thing putting up with soccer at home but not at a party." "Alberto!" "Are you listening?" "It's only five minutes, right, guys?" "Three more goals." "You could put out your cigars, at least." "Couldn't you, Fernando?" "The cigar." "Girls, the drinks are in the kitchen." "Sure, the woman's place is in the kitchen." "Or the bedroom." "Or the department store." "It's a shame what we put up with." "But of course we're the fools." "But you're happy." "What you like most is sitting talking about men." "Yeah, you're such a thrilling topic." "Like how long these will last on their own." "Any bets on the first to fall?" "Me." "I'm the most sensitive, the most feminine." "I'm very lovable." "When a man tells you he's sensitive scram." "And if he says he's feminine, you're screwed!" "That's a lie." "All you men want from women is sex." "With a different one every day." "That's normal." "And if you lot liked sex, no problem, but as you don't..." "Pardon?" "We don't like sex?" "Where did you get that from?" "It's biological." " The man has more need of it." " It's not need." "It's self-affirmation." "I don't know why men have to parade their cocks to feel alive." "Come on, be honest!" "All this sex business annoys you." "Doesn't it?" "What you like is being caressed, being courted, the game." "And that's normal, given that you women don't have orgasms." "It's true, you don't." "A woman's orgasm is a cultural illusion." "I'm serious." "It's been proved." "So what I've been feeling all these years are epilepsy attacks?" "No, no, wait a minute." "I don't deny that you feel pleasure but a real, proper orgasm is what we men have." "Goal!" "Fernando, we're leaving." "Just a minute, dear." "Fernando, I'm leaving." " It's early." "Wait a while." " Fernando!" "For the last time, are you coming or not?" "Is something wrong?" "What's wrong is that I don't like staying where I've been insulted." "What did you say?" "Dreadful things..." "They weren't that bad." "Fernando, if you're going to dare stay on will you please give me the car keys." "Pet, the Volvo is complicated for you." "What?" " You say you don't like driving." " You're the one who drives like a teenager!" " Me?" " At a certain age, men use speed as a sexual substitute." "No matter what age they are, women are shitty drivers." "And shitty at parking too." "Do you know why women park so badly?" "Because you men have always told us that this is eight inches." "Look, if you want to go, call a taxi and go." "Goal!" "Wait, I'm going too." "Alberto are you staying?" "What's all this about anyway?" "It's about these three assholes for that's what they are who've spent the whole evening trying to get us to fight." "Us?" "It's obvious this party is to show us how independent and happy you are without women." " And you lot are drooling." "You're so stupid!" "Right, I'll turn off the video." "Never say I'm a home wrecker." "Dammit!" "Don't fucking turn it off!" "No, don't." "Pilar, take a few deep breaths." "Try to calm down, darling!" "Idiot!" "I am, for marrying you!" "Creep!" "Have you gone crazy?" "Don't you touch me!" "You don't mind, Fernando?" "Right, that's it." "Leave that video alone." "Throw it here!" "Down the toilet!" "Let's calm down, girls." "You're just a hag." "There's only one way I'll calm down." "What's that?" "Yes?" "The agency sent me." "I'm the cleaner." "Great!" "Come in." " What's your name?" " Yolanda." "You know that Sunday work has a 50%% % increase." " Yoli, will you do me a favor?" " What is it?" "I have a little problem." "A girl who doesn't want to leave." "So?" "I need your help." " No, I'm here to clean up." " Yoli..." "There's 1,000 pesetas in it for you." "I don't want hassles." "Don't worry." "Just stand by the door and shout insults at me." " As if you were my wife." " All that for 1,000 pesetas?" "I'll give you 5,000." "It's good money." "I just have to shout?" "Come on, say it." " What?" " Creep!" "Creep." "Louder!" "Creep!" "Bastard!" "Tell that bitch to come out of there before I drag her out." "Motherfucker!" "Shithead!" "She must be hard up to do it with you!" "What's going on here?" "Who are you?" "I'm the cleaner." "Why the shouting?" "I'm doing him a favor." "I feel awful." "I think I have an ulcer." "You should drink some milk." "Milk?" "It's off." " Buy some more." " It's Sunday." "Everything is closed." "There'll be a bakery, a super-market." "I don't know the neighborhood." "Take a taxi to somewhere." "I've no money." "Wait." "Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you." " Who are you?" " I'm the cleaner." " You don't look like one." " What do I look like then?" " When did you get here?" " I was on time." "Well, start cleaning." "No, wait." "Listen, you have to do a favor for me." "I think you guys ask a lot of favors." " Why?" " What do you want?" "My son didn't turn up to see me today." "It's my wife's doing." "If you would telephone her..." "In whose name?" " I don't know." "A friend's mother." " No, listen." "I just want to do my job." "All right, I'll pay you extra." "The number." " What's the name?" " Hers?" "Ester." "No, your son's." "Oscar." "Like the Oscar." "Hello?" "May I speak to Oscar?" "I'm the mother of of Rafa." "Tell my shit of an ex-husband  that he's never to call here again.!" "I'll report her." "The court ruled I could have week-ends." "What is this?" "Can't you talk like a normal person?" "Would you go to the kitchen?" "The kitchen." "Hey!" "Come on." "No, not now." " I've the giggles." " They'll hear us." "The money?" " But don't make a habit of it." " By the way my trousers need ironing." "Here, go and buy some milk." "It worked great." "Thanks, Yoli." "And I'd like French bread for breakfast." "Get someone else." "I'm leaving." "Do you think it's a lot of work?" "For what you'll pay, yes." "Here we go!" "There's no problem." "I'm quite sure you'll find someone." "There are lots of masochists." "Wait, wait." "Listen, guys." " We must sort this out." " Yeah, the house stinks." "I've got a cold sore." "All right." "Make us an offer." "From 8.00 to 6.00 Monday to Friday 10 hours, less one for meals plus journey time." "You're joking?" "But between the three of us..." "I agree." "My stomach's killing me." "She'll earn more than us!" "So what?" "All right." "But you're taking advantage of us." "So, tell me where the cleaning stuff is." "What?" "Cleaning stuff, Manolo." "He doesn't know what it is." "In the broom-cupboard." "Really?" "This won't even clean the bidet." "I never knew about these places." "You can buy everything here." "I think she wants the dearest stuff." "Give over." "She's the one who knows." "I'll say!" "She gets a raise and we get to do the shopping." "You can really score in these places." "500 pesetas for conditioner!" "Give me that." "Look, look, over there." "Do you see all that talent?" "Excuse me." "May I use your son a moment?" "I want to buy a sweater for my boy and..." "He'll get thumped some day." "Don't get that." "It'll destroy our asses." " It's on offer." " Fuck it, Joaquin." "Thank you." "I'll be right back." " Sausages with no cholesterol." " Lf I may." "Manolo!" "I didn't know you worked in food." " Go on, laugh." " I'm not laughing." "If you devote 15 years to a man you end up useless." " It's better than the last job." " I shouldn't have got married." "I'd be able to use a computer, speak languages, whatever." "I've got talent." " The uniform suits you." " Don't start." " Really, you look much younger." " Leave me alone, Manolo." "Calm down, I won't touch you." "Don't worry." "Do you think I look ill?" " I was vomiting all morning." " You just eat too much." "I think I've got a perforated ulcer." "3 weeks ago it was a brain tumor." "You'll be sorry." "Don't follow me, Manolo." "Don't follow me!" "You're going to give me a real turn-on." " So now it's my fault." " I can't forget you." "Manolo, please." "I think I'm going to be sick again." "Did you take Novogastrol and lemon?" "Well, then." " Where's the toilet?" " Over there." " Come with me, please." " No, Manolo, don't." "Just to the door." "I know you, Manolo." "Fuck, she can't write." "What's that?" "Mister Proper." "That's for clothes." " And what's this?" " Gloves." " She wants gloves too?" " Yes." "Fussy, isn't she?" "At least the rain started after the match." "That guy's a pig, really." "But it was a foul." "And he protested about it." "Hello." "Listen, guys." "You're filthy." " See you tomorrow, Yoli." " At 8.00 sharp." "The house looks great." "It's a real change." "Thanks, Yoli." "See you tomorrow." "Sorry!" "My shirt?" "What shirt?" "What's up?" " Still here?" " Yes, I did two extra hours." " You're making a fortune." " I guess." "This goes here." "And this, here." "Well?" " No congratulations?" " Why?" "It's my birthday!" "I'm forty today." "I'm a grown man." " Where are the others?" " They're out." "I bet they're hiding on me." "No, really, they said they had to go out." "They knew it was my birthday." "It's not fair." "You're not forty every day." " I'm off." "Happy birthday." " Wait!" "Have dinner with me at Lhardy." "There's nothing on earth like their bass in fennel." "No, I have to go home." "And if I won't let you?" "Give me that." "Please, have a bit of charity." "This is the beginning of the end." "The andropause, flab, glasses." "Hair in my nose, my ears on my back." "And the prostate, Yoli." "But just look at me!" "Nobody will notice." "Well?" "What about the bass?" "Stop mopping up, and we'll drink to forty years." "If you please..." " A bottle of Cava." " Any particular one?" "A Brut." "You choose one." "You like throwing money around." "You can laugh, but this will cost you a packet." "Look, how much will this meal cost?" "25,000?" "No. 25,000 for the meal and 18,000 for my time." "What?" "Two hours in the house, and four here." "They're overtime and that's double." "I pay for inviting you to dinner?" "You didn't invite me." "You hired me to accompany you." "Know how much call girls charge?" "But I'll pay my taxi." "Don't get the wrong idea." "I'm his cleaner." "And charging overtime for going out to dinner." "That girl's sucking our blood." "On that money, she could suck something else." "Get some Fairy." "Fairy?" "She'd better not get used to this." "We're out of Ajax." " We have to stop her." " Right, it's costing a fortune." "Yeah?" "She's out, then." "We'll get someone else." "That's the advantage of cleaners." "What is?" "You can divorce them with no problems." "Want to try some sausages?" "Isn't Susana here?" "The lady who was here last week." "No, she asked for a transfer to another establishment." "I think the area didn't suit her." "Good morning!" "It is 16 minutes past eight." "I missed the seven o'clock bus." "So then I missed the train and with two transfers..." "Well, you charge 25 pesetas per minute and 16 minutes are 400 brassieres." "I mean, pesetas." "Did it waken you?" "The shouting." "I use earplugs." "Lend them to me some time." "Juan Luis!" "What is it?" "He's got that girl who screws in dolby stereo." "What?" "He brought the same one back again?" " What is this?" " The cleaner." " What?" " She came late." "Fuck her." " You've gone crazy, man." " You think so?" "Look!" " Who, her?" " Juan Luis." " Where shall we eat tonight?" " Guns n' Roses are on the TV." " Can't we eat here?" " Here?" "I'll see what we can do." "This is more like a convent than a guys' apartment." "Yeah, well, I'll phone you." " You know what?" " What?" "I'm mad about you." "Same here." "You really turn me on." "I'll call you." "I'll call you." "How old is she?" "14 and a half or 15?" "18." "Why?" "We agreed no woman could sleep here two nights in a row." "We weren't really sleeping." "I can vouch for that." "How many other nights has she spent here?" "This'll be the last time." "Juan Luis, a rule is a rule!" "Now come on..." "Yoli, love, can you cook a special meal for me tonight?" " Who for?" " For me, and someone else." "Something special, eh?" "Spider crab." "I have to do the ironing." "I mightn't have time to cook." "It's just for two people!" "Sorry, I'm not paid to cook extra meals." "I'm asking you as a favor." "Do you do favors for your boss?" "So it's that old story again." "Some restaurants will charge three times more than I will." "Fuck it, Yoli!" "Here, but don't tell the others." " Is breakfast ready?" " Right away." "It is now 08.42." "So long, McEnroe." ""It is now 08.42."" ""It is now 08.42."" "Breakfast is ready." "Enjoy it." "We must get another cleaner." "You've an obsession about her." "She fiddles us, she's bossy and I think she's stealing too." "What about her cooking?" "And our clothes?" "We're all spotless." "That's priceless." "All I would miss would be her coffee." "She does make very good coffee." "Another thing." "She'll never be as expensive as your wife." "That's true." "Right!" "The light's gone out." "I love you." "Women are always on about "I love you"." "I love you." "Say that you love me." "Come on, say it." "I love you." " The three of us love you." " What is this?" " You're disgusting!" " Fuck you two!" "Darling..." " Don't go." " You can all go to hell!" " Terrorists!" " No, we've saved your life." " You were in danger." " Right." "Yeah, sure, all very funny." "Now, go on, get out." "Why are you covering yourself up?" "Because I want to." "Stop messing about." "Don't be a couple of faggots." "That's the secret of your success?" "Where are your binoculars?" "Like that, it's no big deal." "Medicine has made great advances." "The Chinese have some fantastic prosthetics." "Yours looks just like any other unfortunate." "The best thing is medium, getting on for large." "Children!" "She's something, eh?" "That waiter's lousy." "I ordered tea half an hour ago." "Where are Yoli's breakfasts?" "Accept she's not coming back." "Did you fire her?" "No, but I gave out to her." "What for this time?" "She wastes the electricity." "She only half fills the garbage bags." "You're worse than my mother." "Hey, isn't that Yoli?" "Great, she's in trouble." " She's stolen something." " Yeah, and confessed." "It's not over just because you left." "Isn't it?" " Isn't it?" " Don't get smart." "Right?" "Look, Eduardo, it's not on." "I have a steady job, it's going well." "Give it up!" "I earn enough for us." "I don't want it." " Come on!" " No, I won't!" " We must do something." " What?" "He's a cop." "Here, hide this." "My wallet!" "He stole my wallet!" " Who?" " A weird guy." "Him?" "No, not me, it was a guy with moles who put his hand in his pocket." "He'd an earring." " A drug-addict." " Come with me." "Don't you move from here." "Go upstairs." "We'll look for Joaquin." "Then you can tell us about it." "Keep out of my life." " We found it lying on the floor." " Thank goodness." "Don't go accusing innocent people." " It was a mistake." " Fucking hell!" "Yoli!" "Hey!" "You three!" "Wiseguys!" "You're going to get it!" "Thank you." " Hello." " What is it?" "Where's the boy?" "He isn't here." "I tried to tell you but you never listen." "I arranged to meet him here." "He didn't tell me." "Let's not start." "I've organized a party." " My friends' kids will be there." " Yeah?" "They can lend you one." "I want to see my son." "It's my right." "Didn't you get the notification?" " No." " Well, you will get it." "What have you got up to now?" "I sent the judge a report by Oscar's psychiatrist." "Until his studies improve your visits to my son are frozen." "That's great!" "My son has a frozen father!" "Don't raise your voice." "Why not slice me up and sell me off?" "Frozen Dad steaks!" "It's nice being a father occasionally." "But where were you when he broke his arm?" "Who were you screwing when the child failed his exams?" "Have you ever once talked to his pediatrician?" " What pediatrician?" " I know." "You wanted a perfect son." "You can't accept that he isn't." "And now you want him to think you love him?" "I do love him." "You had nine years to prove it to him!" "Don't take him away from me." "Not completely, please!" "When he sees you, he has a regression." "He's wetting the bed!" "You turn him against me!" " Faggot!" " Dyke!" "Fucking bitch!" " I hope you get herpes!" " I hope your dick falls off." "How dare you create this fuss." "Hello?" "You promised you'd fix the air conditioning." "Where's my son?" "Tell me or else I'll wreck the shop!" "Yeah?" "Come on." "Start." "Why are you tearing up your jacket, idiot?" "Get off!" "That leg's mine." "It matches the other." "Anibal, stop that." "Whose is he?" "He's mine." "You've a child?" "I'd no one to leave him with today." "So we get a discount." "For creche facilities." "Did you hear me?" " Let go, kid." " Careful, he bites." "Takes after his mother." "He must be the cop's son." "Yeah, right." "Where's your son?" "With his damn mother." " Your jacket?" " My wife." "I'm going to the gym." "Why don't you stay?" "Why not?" "What do I do at a kids' party with no kid." "Go play with your mom." "Don't fucking want to." "He's the policeman's son." "I'm pissing myself." "Where's the toilet?" " Good afternoon." " Neat." "Where's the TV?" "They're staying the week-end." "I'd send them to my mother, but they wanted to come here." "Wait, it's my turn next weekend." " Sorry, I'm going to the beach." " Mercedes..." "Mothers have always made sacrifices for their children." "You remember Borja, my sister's friend?" "He turned up the other day." "He's broken up with his girl so we're going surfing." "On Monday those two have got exams." "Where are you going?" "I don't know." "Tarifa, I think." "Really!" "There are apartments there with great views." "Remember?" "We spent all day inside screwing in the room." "No, sorry, it wasn't with you." "You aren't hurting me." "Excuse me." "Good afternoon." "Good afternoon." " Are the children sleeping here?" " Yes, Yoli." "Sleeping, eating, everything." "Very well." "Who's that?" "Don't get it wrong." "She's the maid." "Yeah, and I'm Spider Woman's cousin." "Hey..." "Do I see a few changes here?" "Yes, I had an operation." "Any objections?" "None at all." "I can see a definite improvement." "Unfortunately, down here it's still the same." "Go on, enjoy yourselves." "I hope we will." "And try not to screw anyone while your kids are here." "I'll certainly try." "But I can't promise." "Kids!" "Don't mess the sofa." "You have to sleep there." "Are these yours?" "Films are kept here." "Let's have some potato chips." " Are you staying?" " I've got no option." "Anibal." "Anibal, come here." "Don't be a nuisance." "No, he isn't a nuisance." "Come here." "Let's go into the kitchen." "What is it when caterpillars turn into butterflies?" "It's called metamorphosis and we're assholes for not seeing it before." "Who's Juan Luis?" "I am." "Go outside." "Why?" "What's the matter?" "Juan Luls has a tiny pecker" "Put down the tray and dance." " There's a lot to do." " We'll all help you." "Thank you for running us home." "Thank you for the party and the dance." "You dance very well." "I'm an amateur compared to you." "I used to make my living as a dance teacher." "Really?" "Yeah, but that was before the crisis." "He's asleep." "I'll carry him up." "And I'm very attached to my finger." "He keeps doing that." "It's normal." "When I was a kid I sucked my finger..." "Anibal, waken up." "We're here." "I'll carry him up." "No messing when you're on patrol with me." "Do you want to be reported again?" " Your arms must be sore." " Not at all." "People aren't used to walking up five flights." "Isn't that Austria?" "No, it's Switzerland." "I lived there before I got married." "Is that where you learned to..." "Well, that's it, then." "See you Monday." "What about some coffee?" " I'm very tired." " Well, I'll make it." "No, really, I'm very tired." "I'd like to get something free from you, even just coffee." "Coffee, coffee pot, and the matches are there." "Try not to make any noise." "I think it's time that I apologized for always griping about your hours about money, about shopping." "I guess I'm bitter about women after all that my wife's done." "It isn't that easy to live alone." "At least, I'm not used to it." "Well, no man is!" "Men shouldn't live alone." "I don't understand, I just don't understand." "My mom peeled my dad's fruit." "Grandad never used an ashtray." "My great-grandad never hit the spittoon." "They died without washing a dish and their wives cried their eyes out." "And what about me?" "I go to the supermarket, wash the dishes, vacuum and what happens?" "My wife calls me a troglodyte!" "Jesus Christ!" "Really..." "I mean, really!" "Christ." "By the way, what year is Anibal in?" "Is he learning English?" "Without it, you'll get nowhere." "My cousin studied French and he got nowhere." " Before..." " Listen." "When you leave, close the door carefully." "The lock's broken." "Good night." "This is your lucky night, kid." "Disturbing the peace, right?" "Let's go." "Good morning, Yoli." "Hello." "Ah, it's here!" "Silly of me." " So long." " Don't worry about my suit." "I'll pick it up." "You needn't clean it off." "After "Juan Luis has a small pecker", add on "but it's very frisky"." "I owe you a favor." "Tell me how I can repay you." "Good-bye." "If we go on like this, we're finished." "I'm warning you." "Admit it, we all want to screw her." "Otherwise, why are you so dressed-up these mornings?" " I'm going to the radio." " Yeah, the radio." "Your image is very important there." " Yes, it is." " Why are you stinking of Armani?" "I can buy it cheap in the Duty Free." "All right, I fancy her!" "We must be on guard." "We can't let a woman mess things up." "We must impose another rule." "What he means is, "Hands off the maid"." "We can't think about her when we're jerking off." "I'll see you tonight." " Which way are you going?" " Somewhere else." " What?" " Exactly." "What?" "Did we forget something?" "Yes." "My..." "My head." "Your head." "He's having a real ball." "I glad he's brave, not like me." "Sorry, but I'm not letting go." "I'm going to tell the monsters to bite you." "They're friends of yours?" " Where's Anibal?" " He was right here." "Careful you don't get a fright." "Go back to your father!" "Stop mucking around!" "We've lost a little boy." "He went down that corridor." "What are you doing?" "Stop it!" "He's an actor!" "Hurry up, Anibal." " He and I can get the subway." " Why?" "Because it's better." " But I can drop you off." " No, you needn't." "Because of the kiss?" "Because it just can't be!" " I didn't try to avoid it." " Neither did I." "That's why it can't be." "So you admit..." "I admit I've done without men for a long time." "It can be hard." "But sex is like everything in life." "The less you have, the less you need." "Hurry up, darling!" "How many hours?" " Forget it." " Eight, isn't it?" "Like last week." "I'm working Sunday." "We could go out on Saturday." "I don't want to." " Why not?" " I don't mind hiring myself." "But Anibal deserves better." "He has a great time." "Until you get fed up." "Then take this for a taxi." "Today we're taking the subway." "Tomorrow we'll take it again, and the next day too." "He mustn't get used to things I can't afford." " Say good-bye to Joaquin." " Good-bye." " You broke the agreement." " Joaquin broke the agreement." " You're in love." " Joaquin's in love." "Don't talk rubbish!" "I've never been in love." "What about Yoli?" "Yoli?" "Yes." "In the tunnel of terror, at 7.30 in the evening with one of my jackets." "What is all this?" "Are you having me followed?" "We warned you." "In six months, you'll be beyond help." "She's done a good job on you all right." "You give her a hard time and she traps you." "There's nothing between us." "Nothing?" "You spend Sunday playing at moms and dads." "And he looked just like a newly-wed." "You should be ashamed." "This is a serious offense." "No, I was after something else from her, and I got it." "What was it?" "Get your leg over?" "Yes." "Now he'll tell us he did it in the tunnel of terror." "No, before." "At her place." "You really screwed her?" "Yeah, what about it?" "Well?" " Fine." " Fuck it, Joaquin." "What does that mean?" "No, it was really good." "It was great, fantastic." "Look at his expression!" "What about it?" "Like you've been to bed with a vixen." "Is she a vixen?" "Just tell us that." "Is she a vixen?" "She's big game." " Big game!" " Big game!" "Hello, Yoli." "Hello." " Are you eating here?" " I'm cooking today." "I'm going to cook a bass like we had the other night." "Can you cook?" "Me?" "I'm a fantastic cook." "I've got other skills too." "Is anything wrong?" "With me?" "Your ears are bright red." "That's bad circulation." "Blood circulation." "I've got bad circulation." "Look at this." "Two varicose veins." "If you want, I'll give you a hand." "Give me two." "I was joking!" "Go on, I'll call you when it's ready." "And don't dream of coming in here." "You can really cook bass?" "Better than anyone else in Spain." "I swear by my children." "Susana?" "Hello." "How are the kids?" "That's good." "Listen, how did you cook that bass that I liked so much?" "Wait, I'll make a note." "First buy a bass." "You're an idiot." "Five minutes and we can eat." " Will I set the table?" " Yes." "And I'll have a quick shower." "Just to have lunch?" "Of course, you won't want me smelling of fish." " Manolo!" " Yes?" "I smell something burning." "What's up?" "I don't know." "Can't you smell it?" "Fuck, it's the bass!" " Manolo?" " I'm in here." "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "I thought I'd seen everything but women can always surprise you." "Joaquin was right." "She's a vixen in bed." "And now you have to bath like that?" "You know the saying." "When a woman's lips say "stop" her eyes, when she looks at you, say "again"." "Fucking hell!" "Stop, stop!" "Again!" "And up we go!" "When I was young, I hated taking exercise." "It was something the right-wing did." "So the liberals in this country ended up either skinny like me or pear-shaped like Joaquin." "And Joaquin has never liked his body." "Who did you vote for in the elections?" "I don't vote." "Not interested in politics?" "Politics aren't interested in me." "Has a woman ever stood as head of the government?" "But why do you want to be like us?" "I'll never be like you but I'd like to earn your salary and have you mopping my floor." " Yoli?" " What?" "Will you rub some cream on my back?" "This tans you instantly." "Come on, sit down." " You're very pale." " I haven't got time to sunbathe." "Why not come out here with me?" "Yes, and then you clean the bathroom." " You've a thing about me." " I do?" "I think you're more hostile with me." "That's it!" "I need your help." "I've got a lot of work to do." "I can't work this machine on my own." " What do I do?" " Fix the ankle straps." " And now what?" " Now..." "Tighten them." "That's right." "Good." " It's like a torture rack." " You like that." "Torturing men a bit." "The head band so I don't get marks with the sun." "That's great." " Will you scratch my thigh?" " And will I sing a lullaby?" "Scratch me." " All right?" " The other one." "And now, the timer." "Set it for five minutes." "And now raise it up." "This does wonders for your spine." "It's highly recommended." "You stretch out..." "You look like a ham." "You look very sexy from down here." "I can't say the same." "Don't close the door!" "Yes?" "Hello, I'm Susana." "Where's Manolo?" "I must speak to him." "He went out very early." "Where?" "He didn't tell me." "Look, I don't care what you two are up to but I must see him now." "I'm the cleaner." "The cleaner?" "Yes." "Where's the bathroom?" "I have to throw up." "Come in." "Here." "Thanks." "That helps." "You're definitely pregnant?" "I know the feeling." "I've had three terrible births I wouldn't wish on anyone." "Manolo wanted a boy so he'd be a footballer." "But haven't you been separated for ages?" "He always comes after me." "He comes to the house." "He appears at work." "It excites him to do it surrounded by people." "He's very coarse." "And you?" "I'm frigid." "Manolo just doesn't know what to do." "It isn't him." "I had two other boy friends and it was the same." "I think it's disgusting." "It nearly always hurts me dreadfully, and the pain..." "No, I can't bear penetration." "You've told him?" "No, he'd think I didn't love him." "Once, I half insinuated that..." "That I hadn't really felt anything." "And he just kept at it all night, all night..." "As soon as he touches me I start screaming like crazy, even the pictures shake." "That way it's over quicker." "Why put up with it?" "That's what I say." "Because..." "Because I love him so much." "Holy God!" "I want to die!" "Take it easy." "No, I can't take it easy." "With all that's happening..." "Help!" "Wait here, Borja." "I won't be long." "All right." " Where is he?" " There." "He wouldn't be touched till you came." "Jesus, you really are an asshole!" "Merche, I'm dying." "No such luck!" " I feel awful." " So do I." "The best thing for burns is cold water." "Yes, but who are you?" "I'm Susana, Manolo's wife." "A pleasure." "He's dehydrated." " He has to drink water." " I'll get some." "Sorry!" " It itches." " Then scratch yourself!" "Yoli..." "I'll get that." "Good afternoon." " Where's Joaquin?" " I'm sorry, he's flying today." "They said at my son's school his father had collected him." " I don't know." " Tell me where he is or I call the police." " Could you run a cold bath?" " Yes, right away." "Merche..." "What will happen?" "You'll be left impotent." " Are you the barbecue's ex?" " Yes." " You're the pilot's ex?" " Yes." "And the divorce?" "It would be great, except for him." "I'm over the worst and now I'm delighted." "I've a boyfriend of 28 who's a real wonder." " You're lucky." " Hello." "This is Susana." " Ester." " I'm Manolo's wife." " A pleasure." "The tears I shed over that idiot." " I'm cried out." " Imagine crying over that." "I can imagine it." " Merche." " What?" "I think I'm going to faint." " We must take off his trousers." " Better cut them." "It's to protect your legs." "No, Merche, don't." " Idiot!" " It's to see all the burns." "But we won't hurt you." "Someone call an ambulance." "I'll go, Juan Luis." "Did you enjoy that?" "Come on, Yoli made a chocolate cake for us." "Your wife's here!" "She's angry." " Is Mom here?" " Hush, love." "She won't let us go to the movies." "She wants to call the police." "Mom!" "What about "Bambi"?" "Mom!" "Oscar, darling!" "Come here." "You need a psychiatrist." "Oscar still belongs to both of us." "Abducting him won't make him love you." "He needs a father." "He's going to have one." "What?" "Go and play inside with the plane." " I want to go." " In a minute." "Now, go on." "Next month, I'm marrying Cesar." " My lawyer?" " I'm doing it for his good." "He adores Oscar." "And the child has transferred some affection towards him." "And am I dead now instead of just frozen?" "You're selfish." "You're incapable of sharing things." "You live with people but you're still alone." "That's a lie." "You twist him, and turn him against me." "He enjoyed today." "He can tell you." "Oscar, love!" "Tell Mom the fun we had in that lousy park!" "I won't let you unbalance him emotionally!" "What is all this?" "You sound like a fucking psychiatrist!" "Pig!" "You see?" "It's all right." "Don't worry, darling." "It's all right, pet." "You come with me." "You can say good-bye to him till he's eighteen!" "How can you be so cruel?" "I lived with you for fifteen years." "Come on, love." "The ambulance is coming." "He won't be in hospital long." "We must cover up his parts." "The best thing would be a sheet." "A big one." "I'll go." "A soft one, please." "What's up?" "Nothing, I want to cry and can't." "I've got three tickets for the final." "Great, eh?" "What's wrong?" "You gone crazy?" "What about that sheet?" "Is that Juan Luis?" "He had an accident." " But he's all right." " What?" "Where's your Social Security card?" "Beside the computer!" "In the file." " Where's the file?" " What file?" "Why are you here?" " I must speak to you." " Wait a minute." " But we have to talk." " Later." "When's later?" "You look like a lobster." " It's hard to burn like that." " Go on, laugh." "What did you do?" "I got involved with Yoli." "With Yoli?" "Yeah, sure." "You're not the only one." "I told her to put some sun cream on me and that led on to..." "Jackpot!" " Sorry!" " You were right." "Big game." "She's hot stuff but she's dangerous." "So why that expression?" "I don't agree with screwing the cleaner." "She'll take more liberties." "You started it." "If you hadn't told us how she was we wouldn't have." "It doesn't matter." "That girl isn't jealous." "Your bag's packed." "Hasn't she brought the sheet?" " What sheet?" " The girl." " Where is she?" " I don't know." "Manolo, are we going to talk?" "Yes, come on." " Is it itching less?" " Yes." "Remember when I told you that size was a male obsession and women didn't care about it?" "I was so wrong." "We do care very much about it." "How could you be so careless?" "You're a fucking adult." "You've some nerve." " I thought you were on the pill." " Me?" "What for?" "Why?" "Now what do we do?" "Have you seen the cleaner?" " You're not going to have it?" " I don't know." "Whatever you say." "What is it?" "You tell me." "All of you can go to hell, especially you." "You call yourselves men but you're pigs." "Every day I'm happier I was born with ovaries!" "It'll be all right, don't you worry." "We'll be more careful the next time." " I don't feel like it." " Don't be silly." "I don't want to." "Yoli, I know you're there." "Open the door!" "Go away, I don't want to talk to you." "I've a gift for Anibal." "I just want to give it to him." "Here." "Thank you." "I'll give it to him for you." "Please, go away." "What do you want?" "I want to apologize for the three of us." "We're all so ashamed about how unfair we were." "All right." "Now you can go, and don't come back." "That bastard wants me to beat him up again." "Anibal..." "Look at this plane." "Come back!" "Let him play a while." "He was playing with me." "Put that away." "You're going way too far." "Just wait till you see my new apartment." "There's a room for the boy." "Our room is the best." "I've even carpeted the wall." "But why all the hurry to move?" "I know you, sweetheart." "If I don't tie you, you'll go to Switzerland with the kid." "Anibal!" "Anibal isn't here." "Will I do?" "I'm sick of seeing you everywhere." "That's odd." "I feel the same." "Yoli's with me." "She's with me." "She's with me, with me!" "And now what?" "And at forty five minutes and thirteen seconds exactly the collegian Diaz Llop brings to an end the first half of this match." "A surprise in the Bernabeu stadium." "The result, Real Madrid 1, Lleida 1." "We'll hand you back to our main studio." "Go ahead, Paco Rodriguez." "Quintas take this to Control right away." "Fuck, my stomach's really playing up!" " You stuffed yourself." " A delicious stew." "Susana, my wife, made it." " I'm going to give up smoking." " You're not giving up anything." "This is the age of men's liberation." "And men smoke." "And we cheat on our wives." "And we're the smartest the most macho, the best." "Or we wouldn't be programmed for this." "We must protect ourselves against women." "A bit of tenderness to start with then it's good-bye and out the door." " We're an endangered species." " And our sons grow up with their mothers, in a world of women." "What will men be like in the 21 st century?" "A load of cissies." "Feminine, sensitive, civil, clean, revolting." "We take action or everything male will be forbidden." "You see that?" "It'll be forbidden." "I know that." "But when I'm flying, there's someone to indicate the way." "I know where I'm going, understand?" "On my own..." "On my own, I get lost." "She's screwed him up." "What that girl wants is a father for her son and to give up working." "Why take up with her when there are so many other women around?" "If you put it like that..." "What?" "I have to talk to you." "It's urgent." "Come on up." "Is it that way?" "Left." "I did something awful." " Close the door." " The door?" "I didn't want to, but I'd had enough." " Come and sit down." " Thank you." " It's really serious." " Want some whiskey?" "Thank you." "I've poisoned you." "What did you say?" "Are you crazy?" "Does your stomach hurt?" "He's been complaining all afternoon." "If we don't get you out of here, you'll die." "Not during the match." "I used lots of poison." "Lots." "Lots." "Don't say that!" "I get really nervous." "I'm serious." "Manolo, you're dying!" "How the fuck can you poison a man who pays you 150,000 pesetas a month?" "Tell the producer!" " I can't stand up." " Come on." "Don't let me go, please." "Oh, Manolo!" "Thank you." "Are you ready to order?" "Yes." "Bass in fennel." "For three, please." "You'll be three?" "We are three." "I beg your pardon?" "Don't worry." "Just serve bass for three." "Our friend likes a lot of garnish." "Will your friend have wine?" "Of course." "I'll store the box away." "The box is our friend." "I see." "What shall we drink to?" "To women!" "Good afternoon." "Do you know what slobs you are?" "You're here one morning and the place is a shitheap." "What's this?" "Where did you get that?" " From your room." " From my room?" "If you want to live here, there are a few rules." "So let's talk like men." "First, I don't care what you do in your rooms." "You can have fungus under the beds." "But I warn you." "I want the rest of the house neat and clean, right?" "Can we use the music set?" "Of course." "Everyone uses everything." "You can have parties out of exam time." "Most important of all." "The girls go to bed in their own homes." "If you want to see Mom meet her in the café below, no closer." "When she brought us, she made it clear." "She won't be back." "Good, less problems." "I guess she was annoyed." "No way!" "She was delighted." "She sunbathed on the balcony." "What?" "Wow, cool!" "Can we work out, Dad?" "Yes, of course." "You can use everything except that." " It's not working." " Really?" "Look at that crowd." "What are you looking at?" "All the men living her are faggots." "Manolo, you left me alone in the world." "Must I hijack a plane to talk to you?" "One of us is in the wrong plane." "You are." "Me?" "Why?" "Because in Switzerland they can't tango." "I have a new apartment." "I'm delighted." "It's small, but it's nice." "You'll like it." "So you need a cleaner?" "I need a girl." "Forget it." "You like to play hard to get." "I don't want to get involved again." "But I love you." "I don't like men any more." "Especially men in uniform." "I'll take it off." "That's enough!" "Come and live with me or I'll crash the plane!" " What?" " Sit down!" "Shut up!" "Very well." "I want you to put in writing my monthly wages for cleaning for cooking and attending you." "I'm talking of being husband and wife." "And I would do for free what I used to got paid for?" "If we love each other..." "Love doesn't mean washing shorts." "Getting paid for being my wife is all a joke, isn't it?" "And I want a month's vacation." " And bonuses." " I'm completely serious." "If you agree, fine." "If not..." "Now look, darling." "Can't you do anything for free even for love?" "Love guarantees nothing." "I want a written contract." "Contract?" "Yes." "All right." "As you wish, darling." "Now." "Now?" "May I?" "And the date?" "The date?" "The date?" "15th." "And now?" "Where's Anibal?" "SubRip by tracer"