"Grace." "I think I'm falling in love with you." "Oh..." "That's all I've ever wanted to hear." "Have you seen my neti pot?" "What?" "Have you seen my neti pot?" "Grace?" "Grace?" "Hello." "Have you seen my neti pot?" "I don't know what that is." "Neti pot." "About yay high." "Well, that does nothing." "It's a Himalayan vessel, shaped like an elephant head." "I use it to flush mucus out of my nasal cavities." "It was on the kitchen sink." "Well, then hopefully I threw it away." "My anxieties go straight to my nose." "I need a flush before everyone gets here." "It's your family, Frankie." "What's the problem?" "Coyote's got news." "When has that ever turned out well?" "Well, on the bright side, if it's bad news, it'll take the sting out of the lube disaster." "It wasn't a great week." "How's that book, Grace?" "Oh, it's very good." "Very good." "You can't fool me." "You're on the Isle of Phil." "Yes." "Fine." "Yes." "I am thinking about him, but also Elaine." "What are you gonna do?" "At the end of the day, he's still married." "Right." "So, it's a non-starter." "Well, it's not fair to her." "You know, she's a person." "And she's his wife." "No, not fair." "He takes such good care of her." "Super guy." "Phil's the best." "Would you stop agreeing with me and help me?" "Well, stop making such excellent points!" "God, this is torture." "Oh..." "Tell me what you really think." "OK." "Here's what I think:" "You get married, the vows say," ""In sickness and in health."" "Change is all around us." "The ducks are molting." "I got my license back and... you got your license back." "What a year, huh?" "We're all in different living situations and..." "Dad, how's your new place?" "It's nice." "It's fine." "A little somber." "I try not to be there, I get depressed." "For the love of God, just tell us!" "Do you have a gambling debt?" "Is someone gonna break your feet?" "No, no, no." "It's nothing like that." "No one's gay." "No one's on drugs." "I contacted my birth mother." "Wow." "That is big news." "Everyone breathe." "Let's all breathe." "You OK?" "You need Dad to press on your sternum?" "I'm not allowed to do that anymore." "Not allowed." "Coyote, that is great." "I always knew this day would come and I'm glad it's here." "Really?" "Yes." "I mean, how did it go?" "What did she say?" "It was good." "She lives in Baton Rouge, her husband is a doctor." "She sounded cool." "She was happy to hear from me and... she wants to meet me." "OK." "OK." "We can process this as a family." "We'll take some time, maybe a few weeks or months." "We'll have a therapist come in." "She's actually flying in tomorrow." "OK." "We can accelerate our process." "We are flexible people." "But it's just for the day." "This is great, Coyote." "If you want, after you've spent some time with her... bring her over here." "I would love to meet her." "Wow." "Thank you, Mom." "You must be a cauldron of emotions." "You want to walk us through the first five?" "I'm fine, honey." "Dad, how do you feel?" "Well, let me check in." "Nope, never mind, that was scary." "Not about you." "I'm OK." "And I want to meet her, too." "Oh, my God." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Oh, Mom." "Oh, this is the best thing for you." "I'm so excited." "What if he's building up unreal expectations about her?" "What if he's imagining a natural blonde, soprano, tiny little feet, who hums to birds?" "I'm pretty sure he knows his birth mother is not a cartoon princess." "Oh, who knows who's gonna walk through that door?" "What if she's a stripper?" "Or a climate denier?" "She could have" " She could have pica." "Like that woman in Britain who eats only old tires." "This from a woman who uses shampoo on the floor." "It smells better." "I checked online." "What are you really worrying about?" "Aside from the floor having dandruff?" "This could trigger Coyote." "Here." "Stop." "Look, give him a little credit." "You know, he's doing well." "And give yourself a little credit." "You've raised a moderately successful young man." "Well, successful is the wrong word." "Uh, sweet." "You're right." "I need to have a little faith." "Yeah." "I'm gonna pray to the Nordic god, Frigg." "Frigg." "Yeah, she-she rules motherhood and wisdom." "I would never pray to a female god, especially one named Frigg." "Well, she works for me." "If you want to use your misogynistic God with his fire and bullshit, go ahead." "Well, we've had a falling out." "All right." "If you want me to hook you up with Frigg, let me know." "She's a god but you'd never know it." "Zero pretense." "Wait a minute, what about the floor?" "Oh, it's OK." "I feel better." "Can't we just walk around the block?" "Why do we need to go to a dog park?" "Because Tina needs to be socialized and so do you." "Come on, let's go." "This place is like a mausoleum." "A mausoleum sounds tranquil." "Oh, Robert, I'd love to feel sorry for you, but that job's been taken by you." "Now, snap out of it." "There's a whole world out there." "And the doctor said you need more exercise." "How do you know what my doctor said?" "Is there a doctor that suggests less exercise?" "Wait." "Mmm." "You're not going like that." "What?" "Is there a dress code at the dog park?" "People make an effort." "And tucking is over." "You can half-tuck, as of 2010." "Why don't I full-tuck and just stay home?" "Fine." "Come on." "Let's go." "Do we take the car or ride the dog?" "Tina is not laughing." "She is very self-conscious about her size." " The bagels are toasted." " Bagels are toasted." "Is there a reason we don't have knives out?" "Yes." "Ah." "Is this appropriate food for a birth mother brunch?" "I don't know." "It's my first." "You know, Bud, if you ever wanted to..." "we would host a brunch for you, too." "Thanks, Dad." "Do you want me to stay?" "No, I'm fine." "This is not about me, Grace." "This is about Coyote." "Well, the good news is you found your neti pot." "Where?" "You're serving nuts in it." "Oy." "You OK?" "You know, I can stay, you know." "This is a big deal for you." "No, no." "The Bergsteins can handle anything." "Yeah, if there's a shaman and a team of astrologists on call." "Oh, Shaman Earl said that I was gonna feel something powerful, and a week later I saw The Notebook, so you can put that in your pipe and smoke it." "I think I'll stay until she gets here, at least." "Why?" "What are you avoiding?" "Nothing." "Phil." "I took to heart what you said yesterday." "I can't keep seeing him." "I'm so sorry." "But at least you know you're doing the right thing." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Always doing the right thing." "Little Miss Perfect." "Never got a B, never forgot a Thank You note." "Fuck me." "Are you sure you wouldn't rather just call him?" "It would be the easier way." "No, if I'm gonna do the decent thing, I have to do it a decent way." "In person." " They're here!" " Oh!" "You're gonna be fine." "Of course I will." "I've got the goddess of love and openness on my side." "Yeah, well if you need the goddess of numbness and Xanax," "I have some in my purse." "Hey, everybody." "This is Krystle." "Oh, my Lord, you are exactly how I imagined you." "Well, I'm not" "That's not" "Oh, my goodness, you're so beautiful." "Well, thank you." "I'm back here." "I'm Frankie." "Hi, there." "Oh." "I'm Grace." "This is Coyote's mother." "Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry." "Of course you are." " So nice to meet you." "Oh!" " Oh!" "Oh, ooh!" "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" "That was your toe." "Toes." "And they're all fine." "Are you sure?" "Uh-huh." "They're perfect." "Hi, there." "Nice to meet you." "Now I don't know much, but I know you must be Sol and Bud." "You got that right." "Some people don't." "I'm gonna slip out." "Leave it to family." "It was very nice to meet you." "Oh, you too." "Come sit." "Here, here." "Thanks." "Yeah." "Oh, my gosh!" "Yeah, it's pretty, isn't it?" "Is that the ocean?" "Yeah." "She's great." "Coyote's gonna be fine." "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "All good." "You're gonna be fine too." "You're gonna be great." "Yes." "I hope." "I don't know." "Hey, call me if you need anything." "Just watch her feet." "Yeah." "Oh, because you're so kind to have me, just a little something." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, my goodness." " Oh, that's..." " Huh." "I don't have one of these." "Oh, good." "You never know." "Isn't that a sporty Jesus." "Look, you'd think his robe would trip him up." "Well, he is Jesus." "We're gonna be fighting over this one." "Thank you, Krystle." "That was very thoughtful." "Well, I know it's a little kitschy but even God needs a laugh." "Uh-huh." "So what kind of Christians are y'all?" "The Jewish kind." "Oh, the originals." "Not many women around here." "There's one." "Is that a woman?" "Well, her girlfriend is." "It's Hillcrest." "This area is very eclectic." "I know that." "I don't live in a bag." "Hi." "Hi." "OK, so he just signaled he wants to have sex with me." "What?" "How did you get that?" "Because "hi" met with "hi" sometimes means, "Well, hello."" "No, thank you, I'm not interested." "He didn't say "hi" to you." "Oh, jeez." "Gary." "Gary... you look guilty." "Tell me everything." "Be right back." "Well, not right back, but soon." "Tina." "Tina." "It's OK." "It's all right." "There you go." "It brings me so much joy to see all the love here." "Oh, there is." "There really is." "Eh, Coyote is one of the two best gifts I've ever gotten in my life." "I'm the other gift." "Well, I am so relieved that you have such a beautiful family." "How long have y'all been married?" "We, uh..." "We've been married, uh, the whole time with Coyote." "That part was married." "Uh, the Bud part, too." " Yep." " Ah, yes." "And now I'm, as it turns out, a homosexual." "And I'm married to another homosexual." "A good Christian homosexual." "Well, Catholic." "Unfortunately, we're separated right now, mostly because I sinned." "Heterosexually." "Uh-huh." "I see." "Lemonade!" "Who wants more?" "I'm OK." "No." "Nobody?" "OK." "Pita?" "No, thank you." "Pita?" "I'm fine, thanks." "Pita?" "No." "So that woman who left here was your, um..." "Um, girl" " Partner?" "No, no, no." "We're just roommates." "OK." "I mean, it's not like a Gertrude Stein, Alice B. Cooper situation." "Toklas." "Right." "But I did start dating a yam farmer." "You have?" "You did?" "You did?" "The cute one?" "We'll talk about it later." "Well, it's not my world, so I shouldn't give advice, but if it's what you want, then I hope Robert's the kind of Christian who can forgive you." "Oh, Jesus." "Oh, Jesus." "Jesus." "Frankie, honey, is there anything I can help you with?" "Um..." "I'm beyond help." "I mean, I'm OK." "Honey." "Whoa." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, girl." "Hey." "It's amazing, isn't it?" "They're so uninhibited." "I suppose it's generational." "I might be similarly inclined if I were 25, but..." "I came out at 55." "I got you beat." "I came out at 70." "Well, better late than never." "I'm John." "Robert." "Oh, and, uh, Augie." "This is Tina." "I think." "She's not mine." "Can we join you?" "Oh, please." "Here we go, girl." "Come on." "Sit." "Good girl." "What made you step out of the closet after all these years, Robert?" "I fell in love." "Now, that's a great reason." "Good for you." "Maybe we're the lucky ones." "How's that?" "When you come out young these days, it's difficult to avoid the near occasion of sin." "Amen." "A fellow papist." "And an old-school one at that." "I still cherish my copy of the Baltimore Catechism." "There's nothing wrong with a little self-flagellation." "We've come a long way, though." "Tell me about it." "I used to be a priest." "You were not." "Was too." "Diocesan priest, 34 years." "Really?" "Were you laicized or did you just quietly sneak away?" "I was laicized." "Good." "You've given me hope, though." "How's that?" "Falling in love at 70 is miraculous." "Well, we fell in love at 50." "Then we decided to divorce our wives and get married at 70." "Congratulations." "Thank you, but we're no longer together." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I am too." "I-I assume you remember me." "I-I know it's been a while." "In any case, I'm here now and I probably owe you an apology." "I got a little blamey." "I'm sorry." "I'd venture to say everybody blames you when they're going through a divorce." "But you can take it." "You're you." "So, um..." "Hmm." "If you still love me, which I imagine you must, you know, despite my drinking and some of the more colorful language I use..." "I'd appreciate some strength today." "I'm about to do something very hard." "You're all-knowing, so I'm probably stating the obvious." "I need your help." "Otherwise, I don't think I can just walk away." "Please, please be with me." "I really" " I really need you today." "Amen." "Thank you for your time." "Thanks again." "Nwa-bu-di-ke." "Now you got it." "How did you come up with such interesting names like Nwabudike and Coyote?" "We have a pretty interesting family here, Krystle." "It's not like we were gonna name our kids:" "Mike, Bob and Steve." "Uh, Mom, um, Steve is one of Krystle's boys." "And what a great name it is." "I mean, I wish we'd thought of it, but we're way too weird." "I'm sorry." "I-I hope I didn't offend you." "You didn't." "I'm sorry that I'm making such a pig of myself." "Thank you for this wonderful meal." "It's really our pleasure." "Your sweet nature is so much like Coyote's." "And so is the way you pull on your ear when you're listening." "It's eerie." "My youngest does that, too." "Really?" "That's wild." "The quiche is great, Mom." "Oh, thanks honey," "but it's bland as shit." "Oh, no, I think it's delicious." " Hmm." " Uh, Mom, could you pass the Tabasco, please?" "Sure." "Coming in hot." "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, I'm sorry!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" "Is that blood or Tabasco?" "Get a towel and some ice!" "Ow, ow." "No, no, it's OK." "It's just a little bit of blood." "No, no, it's fine." "What the hell, Mom?" "It was an accident." "You threw it at her." "I said "coming in hot"!" "Where are her reflexes?" "Are you kidding me?" "So this is her fault?" "You broke Jesus?" "He'll come back, that's his thing." "OK, what is happening?" "You invited her here." "You said you were cool with this." "I am cool." "Really?" "Because first you stepped on her foot, and then you threw Tabasco at her face, and now you killed Jesus." "Jesus was an accident." "But the other stuff wasn't?" "I didn't say that." "Oh, God." "Hey." "Hey." "I like this place." "If you run away, I don't have to hang back and pay the check." "Sorry." "Always leaving you somewhere, aren't I?" "How about today?" "Today, too." "I'm sorry." "I just can't do it." "I can't do it to Elaine." "Oh, Grace." "You know... when I went back to Robert after you..." "I just shut down." "After he left, I tried dating someone, but... he wasn't you." "God, I wish things were different." "You have no idea." "Oh, yes, I do." "You're sure?" "No, no." "But that doesn't change anything." "Our timing really sucks, doesn't it?" "It does." "It does." "Always has." "Nice to meet you." "Oh, you too, honey." "And good luck with Robert." "Nwabudike." "Said like a pro." " Oh." " Bye." "Bye-bye." "Once again, I am so mortified." "Oh, honey, it's fine." "This isn't the first nose I've had, and it probably won't be the last." "I'm just sorry I bled all over your chair." "Oh, don't worry, it's Grace's." "Oh." "Oh." "My driver's getting impatient." "Oh." "Oh." "I can't believe I met you." "It's been incredible." "Thank you so much for coming." "It's such a joy to see how well you turned out." "I can't wait to meet your boys." "And Paul Senior." "We should figure out some dates when I can come to Baton Rouge." "Oh." "Oh, honey..." "I never told my family about you." "Oh." "Well, OK, but..." "I can't." "I can't." "I never told them." "You don't understand where I came from." "And they don't know where I came from." "And Coyote was the result of..." "that time in my life." "Wait a minute." "Where does your family think you are?" "In New York." "Seeing Kinky Boots." "So we can welcome you into our family, but you can't welcome him into yours?" "Why did you come?" "I've felt so guilty since I gave him away, and I wanted to make sure my son was fine." "And he is." "I figured I owed it to you." "Oh, wait a minute." "I have to call bullshit here, Krystle." "No." "Hey, Mom, it's OK." "It is not OK, sweetheart." "You should have told him before you came that this was a one-way street." "Take care, Coyote." "I wish you every happiness." "I'm so sorry I put you through this." "Oh, you didn't put me through anything." "Are you OK?" "I'm all right." "I have a great mom." "H-How about you?" "My mom's dead." "It was the ear thing." "When I saw how she tugged her ear exactly how you do, it just hit me." "I couldn't deny it anymore." "She's your mother." "No, she's not." "My mother's sitting right next to me." "When has anyone in this family ever said "coming in hot"?" "Never." "Not once." "You know, I'm not even sure why I know that phrase." "If you ever become someone else, maybe somebody that makes morally questionable decisions, give me a call." "If I become that girl, you'll be my first call." "OK." "OK." " I'm over here." " I am, too." "Well, that really blows my sad, dramatic goodbye." "It's still sad, don't worry." "Oh, are you fucking kidding me?" "Can I help you?" "I started going-- I would go with her to mass occasionally." "Ah..." "Bud, I can't talk right now." "I'm stalking Robert." "Battery is brand new." "Are the keys in it?" "Yes." "Ah." "I find that it starts better when it's in park." "Well, that's not embarrassing." "OK then." "I'm sorry I kept you." "It's OK." "I'm staying in town." "OK." "So, um... goodbye." "Unless we, uh, take the same route home and end up next to each other by a stoplight." "So this is it then." "Yes." "No." "No." "No."