"They're creepy and they're kooky" "Mysterious and spooky" "They're altogether ooky" "The Addams family" "The house is a museum" "When people come to see 'em" "They really are a scream" "The Addams family" "MAN:" "Neat." "Sweet." "Petite." "So get a witch 's shawl on" "A broomstick you can crawl on" "We're gonna pay a call on" "The Addams family" "It's unbelievable." "Our own son." "He was always such a good boy." "Keeping to the basement, playing with his octopus." "It's terrible." "You must do something about it." "After all, darling, the Addams family honor." "You're right." "Family honor." "Thank you, Thing." "It's worse than I thought." "He's wearing it." "I don't believe it." "I want to see it with my own eyes." "We've lost him." "Can I Iook, Mother?" "Certainly not." "Grandmama, take her to her room." "I can't stand these weird things." "I'm gonna sit in my tree house and watch the lightning." "Our poor boy." "Something's come over him." "What are we going to do?" "Darling, I must have time to think." "After all, this isn't some boyish prank like setting the house on fire." "You've spoiled the boy, that's what you've done." "How?" "How?" "Well, what other boy has a playroom like this?" "I don't see any harm in a few simple toys." "You call this rack a simple toy?" "Why, this is luxury, pure luxury." "And how about this battle-ax?" "It was the boy's fifth birthday," "and he was so tired of his blowgun." "Oh, fine." "You know, my father wouldn't even let me touch one of these until I was eight." "You know, I didn't become what I am by accident." "I had upbringing like no other." "Like no other." "Eight years old." "And how old was he when you gave him this little toy?" "That's not Pugsley's, that's little Wednesday's." "Oh, Wednesday's." "You're gonna spoil her, too, huh?" "Perhaps we have been pampering them too much." "Well, there's really nothing to worry about." "Oh, yes, there is." "A 10-year-old boy sneaking around in a Boy Scout uniform." "GOMEZ:" "Darling, there's something I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you." "The other afternoon I saw Pugsley playing with a bat." "A bat?" "Well, that's more like our boy." "A baseball bat." "It's a game played outdoors." "In the sun." "Oh, no." "You know what I think?" "The boy needs help." "No, tomorrow's another day." "We'II bide our time." "Maybe he'II come out of it." "Perhaps you're right." "We can only hope." "Let's go upstairs to bed." "Why, thank you, Thing." "Thank heaven Thing is still normal." "Come along, darling, I want to show you my new nightgown." "Do you Iike it?" "Adore it." "Tish, Iet's go down to the cave." "That we save for special occasions, bubele." "You know what you do when you call me that." "Well, it just slipped out." "Now control yourself, Gomez." "I'II try." "Let me do that." "You did mine last night." "That scent's beautiful." "Buy a barrel of it." "That's the only way it comes." "Darling, I'm sorry," "I just can't think of anything tonight except our poor Pugsley." "I understand." "Who'd ever thought we'd have a problem child?" "I wonder if blondes do have more fun." "Watch it, Tish." "Watch it!" "Wonderful." "For a minute there I thought I was going to miss." "I Iove to watch you play with these trains." "It brings out the real you." "It's not the same without little Pugsley." "He's a great train wrecker." "It's a shame to see natural talent go to waste." "Tish, would you Iike to see me blow up three trains?" "Oh, darling, you know I would." "But I have to fix your lunch." "We're having your favorite, eye of newt." "Broiled." "Just a minute, Son." "What's the hurry?" "I've got things to do." "I gotta go." "But you forgot to feed Aristotle." "Gomez, have you noticed how Pugsley's been ignoring poor Aristotle lately?" "Well, he does look a Iittle pale around the tentacles." "Look at those sad eyes." "I wonder where he went in such a hurry." "Oh, I do hope he went to the mineshaft." "The dankness does things for him." "Gomez!" "What is it?" "He's out there playing with an it." "Maybe it's a baby armadillo." "please, Iet's not pretend." "We all know what it is." "It's a P-U-P-P-Y." "Lurch." "You rang?" "Go get Pugsley and take him to his room." "I wanna have a talk with him." "He's out there playing with..." "I know." "Well, maybe we could all learn to love the little P-U-P-P-Y." "Uncle Fester, go to your room." "Come with me." "I can't right now." "GOMEZ:" "May I come in, Son?" "Just a second." "I hope I'm not interrupting." "No, I wasn't doing anything special." "Good, I thought we'd have a chat." "Maybe a Iittle difficult for you to realize, Pugsley, but I was once a boy your age." "It is a Iittle hard to think of you at 10." "Oh, I was a typical child." "Faced with all the typical temptations." "The important thing, Pugsley, is for a boy not to take a wrong turn." "I'II never forget when I was a boy," "I stood in front of Bailey's department store, admiring a display of gaudy uniforms, mess kits, pup tents, those fat little knives." "I often wondered what would have happened if I had tied that first knot." "Gosh, Dad, you might have ended up as a Scoutmaster." "Boy, you're sicker than I thought." "Don't you realize that all he's going to grow up to be is a dog?" "Oh, it went that badly, dear?" "Terrible." "He even called me "Dad."" "Thank heaven he's never called me "Mom."" "First serious talk I've had with the lad and I botched it." "Where did we fail, Gomez?" "Who knows?" "I have it." "He's still a baby." "Tonight when I tuck him in, I'II read him something nice and soothing." ""Once upon a midnight dreary" ""While I pondered, weak and weary" ""Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore" ""While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping..."" "Pugsley, darling, you're not listening." "The Raven was always one of your favorites." "You said it made you feel so nice and cozy." "I Iike it all right." "I've just got other things on my mind." "Mother knows." "She knows when her little boy is upset." "I'm not upset." "But you are, darling, you're all flushed." "Lost your lovely pallor." "Now, why don't you put all these strange thoughts out of your mind?" "I'II get your alligator." "Oh, you poor dear." ""plumbers, proxy solicitors," ""psychologist, child."" "Morticia, must we?" "Darling, we need help." "Dr. black." "black?" "Well, at Ieast he sounds friendly." "MORTICIA: 5432..." "I can see she has a real problem." "It's not Mrs. Addams." "It's his problem." "It's our Pugsley." "What is a Pugsley?" "Pugsley is our son." "Oh, a child problem." "I've got one of my own." "No wonder you two look so..." "You should see how my wife and I Iook some days." "I'II never forget..." "Just what seems to be the trouble?" "Well, in the first place, it's those terrible clothes he's been wearing." "Uh-huh, beatnik." "That wouldn't be bad." "Really?" "But on top of that he's suddenly attached himself to the strangest creature." "A girl?" "An animal." "The retreat-to-the-forest syndrome." "They all go through these things." "We never did." "Believe me, most parents have the same problem." "Weird clothes and strange pets, all bidding for more attention." "Well, give him a Iittle more." "Cater to his childish whims." "Cater to such outrageous behavior?" "And in a few days, you'II have your boy back again." "Well." "Thank you, Doctor." "You modern psychologists certainly have a way of getting to the heart of things." "We do, don't we?" "Yes." "Oh, come here, darling." "You want to see me, Mom?" "Yes, I always want to see you, darling." "What's closer in this world than a boy and his mother?" "A boy and his octopus?" "Maybe." "Would you Iike to help me feed CIeopatra?" "I can't, Mom." "I have to go up and read." "Now, now, cleopatra." "Mind your manners, darling." "What is it you're reading, darling?" ""How to Become an Eagle Scout. "" "Oh, is that about an eagle who carries off a scout?" "Don't think so." "Well, read what you please, dear." "Oh, I see you have on your lovely neckerchief." "May I try it on?" "Sure." "Now I have to go up and read my manual." "Keep the neckerchief, Mother, I'II get another." "Oh, cleopatra, there is real tragedy in this house." "Put them back, Lurch." "Doctor's orders." "We must cater to his every whim until this phase passes." "Where did you find him?" "He was out in front of the house in that uniform, helping an old lady across the street." "Aren't you gonna punish him?" "GOMEZ:" "For what?" "The things kids get away with today." "Pugsley, that's certainly a smart-Iooking uniform." "Mind if I try on the hat?" "Gosh, no, Dad." "How do I Iook?" "Sharp." "Been a Iong time since you and I have had a real romp with the trains." "Lately we haven't had a chance to be together much, have we?" "Guess not." "Remember how we always used to enjoy blowing up the bridge?" "Today I've got dynamite under the bridge and the water tower." "You do?" "Next time she comes around, you grab the plunger and let her rip." "AII right, here she comes." "Got the plunger?" "4, 3, 2, 1, now!" "I'm sorry, Dad, I'm just not in the mood." "Morticia, I failed again." "We've both failed." "We've lost touch with him." "Maybe we were thoughtless." "That summer we were too busy to go into the bat cave with him." "Now he throws balls at them." "Dr. black, I'm just afraid it's an emergency." "You're going to have to come over." "But we did do as you suggested." "We have catered to his whims." "We have paid attention to him." "But it just doesn't do any good." "You have no idea the strange things he's been bringing into this house." "You're just going to have to come over." "Dr. black, I'm so glad you're here." "We've been at our wits' end over our Pugsley." "Just look at this mess." "I can see your problem." "Isn't this sickening?" "Ghastly." "You told us to cater to him." "Well, this is the result." "Horrible." "I guess I am partly to blame, but I think you went a Iittle too far." "Much too far." "As a matter of fact, this is the most extreme case of over-catering" "I've ever seen." "Dr. black, this is Pugsley's uncle, Fester." "How do you...do?" "I see you've been catering to the boy, too." "And how." "Excuse me, those things you're carrying..." "I'm taking them up to Pugsley's room." "Aren't they dangerously large firecrackers for a boy?" "Oh, they're not firecrackers, they're dynamite." "Mrs. Addams, I know I'm responsible for what's going on here, but I'm afraid things have gotten too far out of hand." "I better take over." "I think I'II go up and have a talk with the boy." "Very well." "It's the door at the head of the stairs, the one with the baby vultures painted on it." "Come on, Pugsley, Iet's have a blast, just for old times' sake, huh?" "Who is it?" "BLACK:" "It's Dr. black, sonny." "Your mommy asked me to have a Iittle chat with you." "Come in, sir." "I think you've done more than your part." "I'II take it from here." "Good luck." "You really like the way your Uncle Fester looks?" "Oh, sure." "He looks fine." "I can see we're going to have to have quite a chat." "What's going on?" "He's up there." "With Pugsley?" "Yes." "Oh, dear." "Maybe we shouldn't have taken his ax away when he was a baby." "He seemed so happy chopping up things." "And it was good exercise." "Wish I knew what was going on up there." "I'II climb up and take a look." "Excellent idea." "And then we took the rope and we put it around and around..." "How's it going?" "Oh, great." "You know, that doctor's a Iot smarter than he looks." "Thank heaven." "Pugsley's past the crisis." "Doctor, is everything all right?" "Naturally." "AII that had to be done was to release the boy's inner antagonisms." "See, Morticia?" "Pugsley's come through." "Magnificently." "Once again, he's the wonderful boy you both loved." "Oh, thank heaven." "Now I can get rid of all this ridiculous mess." "By all means do." "Get your house back to normal." "Thank you so much, Doctor." "Goodbye, Mrs. Addams." "Goodbye." "You uncles." "You pamper the children worse than the parents do." "Here's a surprise." "It says Dr. black has quit." "Quit?" "Why?" "Going back to school." "I think we should send him a present." "The turtle." "Something better than that." "Better than the turtle?" "After all, he did give us our boy back."