"After 300 metres, take the ferry." " Take the ferry." " What?" " Turn around when possible." " Stop it!" "Take the ferry." "Turn around." "Heading up Appley." " Give it six months." " Aye." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Is anybody there?" "What?" "Back in a sec." "Unless the answer's yes, I don't want to know." " A log." " You said woodland." " I said woodland glade." " But you signed off on the design." "I would never have signed off on a log." "I think you're wrong." "You, stop chewing, start moving." "OK, turn over..." "And... action!" " What's my line again?" " Cut!" "Yeah, that was brilliant." "Well done, everyone." "I'm going!" "Bloody hell!" "Oh, God." "Great!" "Move, you fat lummox!" "Hannah, this had better be good." "No, I'm not interested in excuses." "Look, just call me when it's sorted." " You wrapped early." " Yeah." "Good shoot?" "Yeah, well, there was this whole thing about... a log." "A log?" "Yeah, a log." "Aside from that, good, I think." "I thought I might be pregnant." "That's the response every woman hopes for." "I wasn't." " But it got me thinking..." " No, no, no..." " You don't know what I'm going to say." " We agreed." "Careers first, babies later." "Much, much later." " Maybe I've changed my mind." " You love your job." "It's shampoo, Mike." "Nobody loves shampoo." "It's just..." " Oh, I don't know." " What?" "I mean, don't you feel that there should be... more to it than this?" "It?" " Life." " No, not really." "I keep thinking that maybe I'm missing out on something." "Maybe that something is a baby." "Well, I'm glad to see you're being so incredibly mature about all this." "Mike, I think I want to have a child." "I see you've already had one." "Come on, come on, come on, let's talk!" "Let's talk." "We can sort this out." "Five years." "Five years, and you go and throw it all away." "She means nothing to me." "It's purely, purely about the sex." "Look, come on, we can go to counselling." "We can work through this." "I love you." "I don't want to lose you." "Say something, scream at me, hit me, call me a bastard." "This is the problem." "You don't give anything away." "You're so uptight!" "I don't know what you're thinking half the time!" "It's like our whole relationship - you just shut me..." "Out." "I said, didn't I?" "Didn't I say...?" "Never trust a man who..." "Actually, just never trust a man." "I'm uptight?" "Absolutely!" "No, but in a good way." " There's a good way to be uptight?" " It's what makes you you." "You know that he cooked for her." "He never cooked for me, not once." "Erin, are you steaming his suits?" "They're good suits!" "Burn them, please." "You'll feel so much better." "I don't think anything's going to make me feel better." "I'm going to call you right back." "I'll have a pepperoni... a vegetarian special... a Hawaiian..." "In fact, you know, just give me one of everything." "No, no, no, extra large, please." "Thank you." "With all the trimmings." "Mike McPherson." "Celebrity photographer." "You see, this is a subject that's very close to his heart." "Delivery." "Plus coffee, painkillers and bacon." "What the hell is this?" "Is it too early to say you're better off without him?" "Or are you still in that weepy "I want him back" phase?" "I'll take that as a no." "My God, I've got a very bad feeling about this." "Now, tell me, Erin, is this how we spell "syphilis"?" "I've got a very bad feeling." "You didn't, did you?" "That is good work." "Hit him where it hurts." "What's the matter?" "What else have you got?" "You do it, I can't look." "What is it?" "A blow-up doll?" "What?" "What?" "Some women just cut up their partner's ties." "Do I look all right?" "I had the moral high ground for about five whole minutes." "Now I can't even see it it's so far away." "Promise me one thing." "Don't do an Erin on him." " A farm?" "!" " I was upset, I was drunk." "You bought a farm?" "With my money?" "Why didn't you just cut up my ties?" "Two minutes, babe." "Seriously, Erin, you need help." "Clearly you're going through some mid-life crisis." "I'm going through a mid-life crisis?" "I have spoken to the bank and they say there is a chance you might be able to withdraw the offer." " Might be able to?" " Well, by "might" I mean "can't"." "I can't withdraw the offer?" "I'll pay you back, in instalments, with interest." "Too right you will." "You're not keeping it." "No, I'm putting it back on the market." "Thank God." "For a minute, I thought you were considering running a farm." "I'll sort everything so you won't need to deal with anything." "Thank you for being so understanding." "You, you with a farm!" "Can you imagine?" "Like you'd last one second!" "Oh, Erin!" " So?" " Can I borrow your wellies?" "Come in." "Four point four." "Party A, the tenant " "Erin Patience Taylor agrees to pay Party B, the landlord" " Michael..." "Bernard McPherson..." "Seriously, "Bernard"?" "rent for Appley Farm for the initial period of one year." "Did you know you had 100 beef cattle?" "Yes, I knew that." "Erin, come on." "You don't know the first thing about farming." "I could sell the place, forget all this." "We could think about kids." "Don't do this, just to get back at me." "In your face." "Always a pleasure, Kat." "Flat keys." " Thank you." " Here." " Resignation letter." " Thank you." "Wellington boots..." " Thank you." " You know, everything is green." "It's green everywhere you look." "You'll be surrounded by animals." " You hate animals." " I don't hate animals!" "They roll in their own faeces." "OK, I've got a bit of a problem with that." "Will you stay?" " Please?" " I can't." "This is maybe my chance." "This is maybe... what I've been looking for." "I don't know." "150 grand for a farm." "Does that sound cheap to you?" " There has to be a reason for that." " Pessimist." "I think we both know that's not going to happen." " I said, didn't I?" "Didn't I say?" " Kat!" "There had to be a reason why it was so cheap." "Yes, that reason has just punched me in the nose." " Punched you?" " Really hard!" "What you've got is a sitting tenant." " What I've got is a bloody nightmare." " And sitting tenants have rights." "Listen, I'm sharing a bed with an octogenarian and a pig." "Find a loophole!" "Look, just go away." "Go away!" " What?" " Nothing." "Look, just find something." "Anything." "And the old biddy has to go." "My own son." "Selling this place from out underneath me." "Always was a little sod." "You married?" "Boyfriend?" "Lesbian?" "It's fine if you are." "Don't bother me, everyone experiments." " I'm not a lesbian!" " Right!" "Softer than a cow's teat." " Nice!" " Why are you here?" "To run a farm." "It's not funny." "Run a farm!" "Run away, more like." "What are you running from?" "He's cheated on you, hasn't he?" "I wouldn't if I were you." "You don't like me much, do you?" "I don't like you being here." " There is a difference." " There isn't." " It's subtle." " I don't like you." " Well, I don't like you." " Well, there you go." "You're a freak." " A freak who spits on her own floor." " Good." "Glad we got that out away." "Just so you know, this is my house." "I was born here and I'll die here." "I'm not going anywhere." "You can do this, Erin Taylor." "You can do this." "Three steers need replacement tags, you can do that?" "Absolutely." "All under control." "Hey, come on, people." "Follow me." "Time is money." "You, stop chewing, start moving." "I'm serious about this, because we haven't got all day." "Come on, come on!" "They've got it in for me." "I swear." " You don't know much, do you?" " I did some Googling." "Oh, never mind." "Where are you going?" "You said you had everything under control." "A bit of help would be appreciated if you could spare the time!" "Clive deals with the herd." "Clive?" "Clive!" "He'll be down that way." "Who the hell's Clive?" "So, what?" "You've got some kind of canine complex or something?" "Sit!" "Yeah, thought not." "You're about as close to being a dog as I am to being a farmer." "Very funny." "Where do I might find Clive?" " Who are you?" " Who are you?" "Olive lets us help out on the farm sometimes." " Really?" " Are you Olive's daughter?" "Olive doesn't have a daughter." "If you're not Olive's daughter, why are you here?" " I own the place." " Are you a farmer?" " Have you got a husband?" " No." " Boyfriend?" " No!" "Are you a lesbian?" "What's a lesbian?" "A girl who likes girls." "I like girls." "Am I a lesbian?" "I don't think so." " What's his name?" " It's a pig." "It doesn't have a name." " You could give him a name." " What about Peter Andre?" "Would you please stop talking?" "You're funny." " Barbie?" " No." " Wayne Rooney?" " No." " Stalin." " Stalin?" "Tiger Woods?" "My mum says he's a pig." "Look, will you just tell me, where is Clive?" "Right." "I'm looking for Clive." "Take more than that to wake him." " Really?" " Aye." "I've got a cattle prod out the back if that's any use?" "Right, I've just taken over Appley Farm." "Olive said you'd help." "You coming?" "A £3.50, that cost me." " 'Scuse me, love..." " I'm not married," "I don't have a boyfriend, and no, I'm not a lesbian." "I don't blame you." "I've tried all 3 None are what they're cracked up to be." "Welcome to the village." "What a lovely girl." "Erin..." "Can I call you Er?" "Oh, nice wellies." "So, you're single?" " Yes." " Me too." "You surprise me." " Maybe we could..." " No." "Fair enough." " I've got my own car..." " Still no." "You can't blame a man for trying." " What?" " You know what." "Sorry." "Just mates then?" "I don't need a mate." "Don't need a boyfriend." "I just need you to help me figure out what the hell I'm doing on this farm." "You're a real people person, aren't you?" "First things first, this gate needs fixing." "There's a knack to it." "After you." "Come on, then." "Look, look, look!" "See?" "It's not working." "Clive?" "Ah!" "Clive?" "Come on!" "It's all in the way you shake your nuts." "Come on!" "In you get." "Get in there, go on." "Go on, boy, in you go." "Go on." "Go on!" " Other way." " Ah!" "It's got a point on it!" "Give it here." "Oi, Lady Muck, what do you think you're doing?" "You wanted help, didn't you?" "On average, ten people a year die in tractor-related accidents." "That's not including the amputations and scalpings." "Knew a guy once who got trapped in the PTO " "Stumpy, his name was." "After the accident, of course." "Right, well, as long as you know the basics, you'll be fine." " What was it you said you did before?" " Advertising." " Adver..." "What kind of advertising?" " Beauty products." "Shampoo, mainly." "Shampoo!" "You turn it on by holding these two together." "You pick your gear at the top of the gradient and stay in it, come what may." "If the tractor jumps out of gear, you grab the seat with both hands and hang on for grim death." " Why?" " In case it rolls." "So, what do we do first?" " Buy a new tractor?" " Where's the fun in that?" " Oh, what?" " Is anyone about?" "We know there's no-one around, there's not a living soul about for five miles." "There's no-one around." "Oh, it doesn't..." "There's a knack to it." "24/7." "Why didn't you just put it all on the one card?" " Did you tell her about Stumpy?" " Yep." " Should do the trick." " You should be ashamed of yourself." " Scaring her like that." " She deserves it." "She's pretty, though, I'll give her that." "Good teeth." " She's not a cow, Bill." " That's exactly what she is." " I still would, though." " Oh, Clive Day." "Have you got a bit of a crush?" "Erin." "We miss you." "If we gave you a pay rise..." "Me again." "We need you to pitch the new account..." "I'm very disappointed, Erin, I thought shampoo..." "Hi, it's me." "Yes, I am still working on Operation Ditch The Old Biddy." "Erin, I don't know how to say this, but Mike's moved in with the ho, with Courtney, and I'd just rather you heard it from me than from someone else." "Call me." "I hope you cut up his ties." "Or better yet, his John Thomas." "Judith." "Next door neighbour." "Five miles down the road." "How are things?" "Must be a far cry from fancy shampoo." "Jungle drums - nothing stays a secret here for long." "Not that I'll tell anyone about..." "Mike, was it?" "Olive in?" "Whilst you're here, we really must get you mounted." "Courtney?" "Bloody Courtney!" "Anyone human in the near vicinity?" "No!" "It's Olive!" "One, two, three..." "Stop fussing." "It was nothing, just a tumble." " Has this happened before?" " Yes." " Traitor!" " I'll call the doctor." "No." "No doctors!" "Don't you "Olive" me, lad." "No doctors." "If I hadn't have found her..." "My ears still work, you know!" " Dr Willis." "His number's in the book." " No doctors!" "Why?" "Why does everything have to have a bloody knack to it?" "You OK?" "Yes, I'm fine." "I can manage." "Thank you." "Right, just humour me." "You all right?" "There you go, sit down there." "Thank you." "Right, let's have a look." "You all right?" "Sorry, I'm a wee bit stubbly there." "I'm sort of in-between waxes..." "I've seen worse, believe me." "There's nothing broken." " Just my pride." " And possibly your gate." "Yeah, there's a knack to it." " So, how's it all going?" " Fine." "Yeah, everything's fine." " Fine?" " Fine, fine, fine." " Really?" " Is it that obvious?" "I thought a change might..." "change things a bit." "But..." "It's been hard, really hard." "I mean, not just the farm work." "Everything." "I suppose I feel a bit..." " Depressed?" " Well, no, not depressed." " Just a bit..." " Lonely." "It's probably the hormones, right?" "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!" "It's fine." "I thought it was being here, but it's not." "I've been feeling like this for quite a while." "I mean, I've got..." "I've got friends..." "One friend." "I've had loads of men, loads of sex." "Not all of it good sex, right enough, but..." "In fact most of it not good sex, if I'm honest." "I think the thing is I've just..." "I've never really felt connected to anyone." "Maybe my ex, a bit, but..." "I think the thing is that" "I have never really felt very... happy." "I'm so sorry." " Not at all." " You must get this all the time." "Not often, actually." "Oh, God." "Pull yourself together, Erin." " I'm keeping you from your work." " It's OK, honestly." "She's upstairs." " Who is?" " Your patient." " I generally work in the barn." " In the barn?" "Morning!" "Dr Willis." "Lovely to meet you." "Lovely, lovely." " Olive in bed, is she?" " Yeah, she's upstairs." "I'll see myself up." "Hi, Dad." "I'm here for the castration." "Told you I'd seen worse." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Why did you...?" "Vets have confidentiality as GPs if that's what you're worried about." "Can we do whatever it is we're here to do?" " You're up for this?" " Absolutely." "I've performed similar procedures on ex-boyfriends." "They should stay inside for 24 hours." "Will you keep an eye on number 37?" " Keep those if you want." " For what?" "A souvenir?" "Nice fried up with a bit of garlic." " You can always call me if..." " What?" "Well, if you're ever feeling a bit low." " So you can have me put down?" " No, if you ever just wanted a chat." "I don't." "I never want a chat." "Ever, in fact." "A chat is the last thing I want." "I think, "I don't," covered that." " Fine." " Fine." "Fine." " Whereabouts in London..." " I think this constitutes as chatting." " Does it?" " Yep." " Fine." " Fine, fine, fine." " How is she?" " A few bumps and bruises." "Nothing broken." "But who knows?" "Next time..." "So, is there anything you can give her?" "She's old, Ms Taylor." "Happens to the best of us, I'm afraid." "Olive needs a safe environment, 24-hour care." "Absolutely, I agree totally." "Now, I can personally recommend this place." "Mrs Hobbs who runs it is a great friend of mine." "Great, when do we move her?" "Well, when Olive agrees." "I've talked to her." "I think she's coming around to the idea." "I thought I told you to bugger off." "In the process of just doing that, Olive." "Call me anytime, night or day." "Marvellous, marvellous." "All right, Dad?" "All right, gents?" "I'll make yours a double." "I think you're going to need it." "Cheers." "You all right, Dad?" "Bloody bday." "It's eBay, Dad." "Why Olive's idiot son couldn't sell me the place, I have no idea." "Still... minor setback." ""The Royal Lodge Retreat."" "What do you think?" "Too much of a mouthful?" "I think maybe it's time to put a stop to all this hotel lark." "You can't stop progress." "We're like sharks." "We have to keep moving forward, or we die." "You know that's a myth, don't you?" "About the sharks." " She won't sell the place." " She's a city girl." "She needs her Cosmopolitans, her decaf lattes, her weekly waxes." "She definitely needs the waxes." "She won't sell, I'm telling you." "You think she'll last a winter?" "Two winters?" "However long, I'll wait." "The Royal Lodge Retreat." "I like it." "Oh, my God, Olive!" "Are you...?" "I've lived here all my life." "All my life." "I've never left for more than a few days." "Well, the home is not far from here, so you could come for visits occasionally." "I wouldn't have to go." "I could stay here... if I had someone to look after me." "We have activities daily, armchair aerobics, flower arranging, ballroom dancing..." "for those who can still stand." "That's nice, isn't it?" "Yeah." "This is the day room, very light and cheery." "Mrs Benjamin, how are we today?" "I want to die." "Such a sense of humour." "Along here we have our laundry facilities." "We have a very nice lady, comes in three times a week." "There we go." " It's for the best." " Why are you doing this?" " Oh, you know why..." " No, I mean, why are you here?" "Why do you want to be a farmer?" "If it's for any other reason than you love it - despite hard work, ache in your back at the end of the day, early mornings in't dark." "If countryside hasn't got under your skin, you'd best go home." "You don't belong here." "Despicable." "Absolutely despicable, what she's done." "Despicable." "I'm sure she were only doing what was best for Olive." "She doesn't care about anyone but herself." "Despicable." "I still would, though." "Everyone hates me." " So?" "This is what you wanted, right?" " Right." "You didn't sign up to be nurse to a geriatric." " No, I didn't." " No, so don't feel guilty about it." "How's London?" "You know - grey, dirty, full of grumpy people." "How's the countryside?" "Fine." "Yeah, fine." "Everything's fine." "Can I get a wee hand here?" "Take that as a no." "Erin." "Hi." "Number 37." "What's the matter?" "This is so not what I need right now." "Don't you dare die on me." "Don't you dare." "It's much better than last time." "Right, turn him round, bring him back for us, will you?" "Nice." "He looks pretty level, to be honest with you." "Dr Willis..." "Mr Willis?" "It's the cow... bull... whatever." "Number 37, the one with the balls?" "Actually the one without the balls." "Something's wrong." "It's Erin from Appley Farm." "Is Clive there?" "Which member of pop group Girls Aloud starred in St Trinian's II?" "No, no, it's the blonde one." "The other one." " That's it." " Aye." " It's Erin on the phone." " Next question." " She says it's urgent." " So is this." "She can wait till morning." "Who fronted the ad campaign... for Iceland before being dropped for drug use?" "Sorry, love, I'm afraid he's not here at the moment." "Extra points if you can name who replaced her." "Squiggles, back in the house." "You're aware I do equine, not bovine?" "I don't do either so you're already one step ahead of me." "I don't like being shouted at." "If anyone is shouting, it's me." "Mr Willis left me some antibiotics to use just in case." " What did I just say?" " This is going to be a disaster." "Testicles." "Got it." "Right." "So we need to tie off the bleed with baler twine." "What's baler twine?" " That's it." " Why are you doing it like that?" " Get out the way." " It needs to be..." "No, but..." "He doesn't know where to go." "Come this way!" "This way..." "Why couldn't we do it with him lying down?" " He needs to be in the crush." " But wouldn't it be easier if..." "He's just had his balls cut off." "Do you think he's going to sit quietly by while we tie a bow on it?" "Come on, move!" "Look, this isn't working." "You're going to bleed to death, you stupid thing." " Come on, come on." " Move!" "Bar!" "Bar, quick!" " Well?" " What?" "It's your farm." "OK." "I can do this." "I can do this." "You can sort of understand where he's coming from, can't you?" "Give us the twine, then." "Right." " What kind of a knot?" " I don't think he minds." "OK." "The injection." "I just stick it in?" "Well done." " What now?" " That's it." " That's it?" " Yep." "Right." " Do you fancy a smoke?" " Oh, no thanks, I gave up years ago." "No, I mean, do you fancy a smoke?" " Thank you for helping." " S'all right." "Bugger all on the telly." "When I first met you I thought you were a bit..." " Horsey?" " Yeah." "When I first met you I thought you were..." " Uptight?" " Appalling urban socialite." "Did you cut up his ties?" "The ex?" "I bought this place." "On his credit card." "How marvellous." "I'm paying him back, though." "In instalments." "At least, that's the plan." "You're very brave, you know." "Leaving him like you did." "Just stubborn." "My husband's been playing away for years." "I've never plucked up the courage to leave him." "On his credit card?" "Marvellous." " Oh, bloody hell." " He's in the barn, yeah?" "I couldn't have done it better myself." " It was all Erin, actually." " Oh, it was nothing." " Just a bit of a baler twine." " Olive would be proud." "Olive, you've got a guest." " Another one for the crem, Martha." " Mrs Benjamin?" "Thank goodness." "She was becoming rather a pain." "Mrs Grant will be next, you mark my words." "She's given up." "Rather like her supplanter at the farm." "Really?" "I can't say I'm surprised." "Her type have fanciful ideas." "It's all sitting round Agas and frolicking with lambs." "I give her a month." "Then you can get on with your building work." " It'll have a swimming pool, I imagine." " Two." "Indoor and out." "Wonderful." "Hitler Hobbs." "Glad I caught you." "I'm entering Masterton Dazzler in the in-handclass at the Netherwick Show," "Do you think I can find the blasted entry form?" "No, I bloody well can't." "Do you suppose you've got a copy?" "Let me have a look." "I'm sure I have one here somewhere." "As you were." "Hey, it's me." "Bugger off." " I'm breaking you out." " I hate you." "Yes, I hate you too, but it's either that or stay here." "I can stay on the farm?" "Yes, you can stay at the farm." "Now are you coming or what?" "You bet your sweet arse I am." "Just take hold of my arm." " If you could just hold on one moment." " As I suspected." " Move." " You can't speak to me like that." "Olive is coming with us." "I'm afraid that simply cannot happen." "There are rules, Ms Taylor." "Oh, well, stuff your rules." " I beg you pardon?" " You heard her." "Now listen to me, you smug little hussy." "You may be top dog in the city, but here you are nothing." "You're just a worthless, washed-up old spinster playing at being a farmer." "And, you, get back in that bed." "Hurts, doesn't it?" "Drive!" "Let's not be so hasty." " Let me at him." " Out of the way, please, doctor." "You're taking her back to the farm?" "I can't let you do that." "For her own safety." " You don't half talk a lot of crap." " I think we know what this is about." "Admit it, you don't even want to be here." "Not really." "I hate the place, but I'm not selling." " I'd pay above the odds." " Nah, you're all right." "All right, ready, everyone?" "OK and..." "That's lovely, I like that." "Hold that where it is." "Clive, stop messing about." "Terrific." "Yes, yes, super." "Super." "Can we try again now, please?" "That's lovely." "Come on, Bernard." "Nice... nice place you got here." "Technically, it's yours, so..." "How's Courtney?" "No, it's over." "Look, Erin, I made a mistake." "A big, embarrassing, midlife crisis-shaped mistake." "You certainly did." "Bernard, heel." "It's a good name." "Oh, God, I miss you, Erin." "I miss everything about you." "I know what I did was unforgivable." "But we were good together." " You know we were." " Erin!" " What!" " Herd's out again." " I've got to go." " Erin." "Come home." "Please."