"* All right!" "* Hey!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "JOY:" "Okay, I'm ready." "Oh, by the way, you might wanna get yourself a new razor." "I just gave your MACH3 quite a workout." "You used my razor?" "Well, MACH3 is how fast I'm gonna throw it out." "All right, so we really leaving this time, or do you have to just pee for another 45 minutes?" "Nope." "I am good to go." "You know, if you were a horse and you walked like that, you'd have to be destroyed." "Just a little reminder that you married someone completely out of your league." "I'm sorry." "You look beautiful." "Thank you." "It's just that it's ridiculous we gotta get all dressed up." "I gotta spend $75 to rent a tux for Stan's insane anniversary party." "Come on." "I think it's sweet." "They've been married 25 years." "Yeah, well, that's great, but because they defy the odds," "I gotta spend my morning in a tux shop with a small Italian man who's working my inseam like he's trying to feel his way out of a dark cave?" "Just get the directions, okay?" "They're in the invitation." "Oh, great." "Now my shoes are even gayer." "What is that?" "Is that the..." "What?" "You didn't mail the RSVP card?" "Stan is your friend." "This is the one thing you were supposed to do." "Well, you know in our relationship, I don't mail things." "I'm more of the big picture guy." "Hey, maybe this means we don't have to go." "What do you say you and I become the best-dressed couple at Arby's?" "No." "We're going." "I'm just saying that now it's gonna be awkward." "I hope that you got them a nice gift." "What did you get them?" "Big picture guy." "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "Oh." "Look, look, look, they got mini lamb chops." "Oh." "Oh." "God, it's a stampede." "Look at that." "Two seconds, and it's nothing but bones and napkins." "All right, listen." "Tonight I'm gonna have to ask you to be my hands." "Eddie, you could reach any appetizer you want." "You have the wingspan of a 747." "No, but see, that's the problem." "I'm big, but I'm slow, and I also project a neediness that makes the waiters avoid me." "Eddie?" "Oh!" "Hey, Stan." "Great party." "Happy anniversary." "Hey, Nicki." "Vicki." "Vicki." "Wow, 25 years." "Congratulations." "I'm surprised to see you." "I had no idea you were coming." "We didn't get your RSVP card." "(STAMMERING) Well, no, I told you I was coming, didn't I?" "Not via card." "Well, if you were confused, why didn't you call?" "Because I shouldn't have to beg." "You can't even manage to send in a little envelope we pre-stamped for you?" "You don't do that." "It's just not done." "Okay." "Well, we're here now, so how's this gonna play out?" "Well, I guess we could go talk to Lionel." "Our party planner." "He's a Leo." "Wish me luck." "(EXCLAIMS) Look, look." "More mini lamb chops." "Get in there!" "Where?" "10:00!" "10:00!" "Where's 12?" "Oh, no." "They're gone." "Damn it to hell." "All right, you know what?" "Do me a favor and check my wrap, 'cause I don't wanna deal with it all night." "Well, where you going?" "I'm gonna end the madness." "I'm gonna find you some mini lamb chops." "Okay." "Listen, don't be afraid to throw some elbows in there." "Hey, Eddie." "Hey, Woodcock." "Never have you looked more like a 10-year-old." "Yeah?" "Well, you look like James Bond with a glandular problem." "Are we done?" "Yeah, I guess we are." "Good one." "Honey, there's a deejay, and there's gonna be dancing." "Oh, really?" "Oh, I don't know." "Sweetie, you don't have to be embarrassed." "You are a good dancer." "He wouldn't even do a first dance at our wedding." "Can you believe that?" "I, for one, am outraged." "We have to cure you of this." "I'm gonna go request a song." "Oh, hey, hey, Steph, you don't have to do that, you crazy little thing, you." "Problem isn't me, it's her." "She dances like a whore." "So, Russ, how are the triplets?" "Oh, they're great." "Yeah." "Actually, they've divided the day up into three shifts so that one of them is always awake and screaming." "Uh-huh, yeah." "But the wife gave me the night off to come here, and I'm gonna make it count." "I am loving this party." "How great is bread?" "Here." "What is that?" "Is that my wrap?" "I thought I asked you to check it." "Yeah, and it turns out they charge $4, so it's not gonna happen." "I could buy 20 of my own hangers for that." "Well, I don't want it here, Eddie." "It could fall on the floor." "This thing is important to me." "My sister gave it to me." "Oh, your sister gave it to you." "Really?" "Doesn't smell like booze." "Hey, guys, how are you doing this evening?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Look who tucked his shirt in." "Cofeld." "Where's Nicole?" "Oh, at home throwing up." "She's either pregnant or had some bad Moo Shu." "We'll find out tomorrow." "Yeah, between my wife, my kids, and a pretty old dog, something throws up in my house every seven seconds." "But not tonight, huh?" "'Cause tonight we are bachelors." "We are..." "Come here." "Come here, you." "Yeah, it's gonna be great." "Ah, it's gonna be a great night, 'cause it has to be." "Okay." "Hi, everyone." "If I could have everyone's attention." "Twenty-five years, man!" "(WHOOPING)" "Okay." "Take the wine off his table." "I'm kidding." "Do it." "Okay, we're gonna have a couple of toasts now." "Uh, you know, Vicki and I have been overwhelmed by all the support and love and kind words on the RSVP cards that most of you sent." "And now, I'm going to turn the microphone over to my better half, the incredible Vicki." "All I wanna say is that every woman should be as lucky as I am to have a man take care of her like this man takes care of me." "I love you, Stan." "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "Oh." "That was sweet." "It was." "Hi, I'm Len." "Oh, God." "I'm Vicki's father." "I'd like to thank the kids for having me here, despite all the crap that went down with me and Vicki's mom." "Anyway, I wanna say something to Stan." "You're a wonderful man." "I wanna thank you for taking such good care of my daughter all these years." "Cheers." "Wow." "There's a lot of talk about how Stan takes care of Vicki, huh?" "Yeah, maybe he can take care of us and send some dinner our way." "Hello, we never got the carrot soup." "Yeah, didn't want it." "Now I need it." "Now we'd like to invite everyone to the dance floor for our song, the song we fell in love to." "(WHIP IT PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)" "* Crack that whip" "* Give the past the slip" "All right, let's do this." "* Break your mama's back" "* When a problem comes along" "Stan really does take such wonderful care of Vicki." "* You must whip it" "Hey, man." "Hey." "Hey, hi, Stan and Vicki." "This is the greatest party ever." "Look, look, I'm here with my friend Cofeld." "This is awesome." "Hey, wanna make out?" "What?" "Yeah, for the camera." "Come on, it'll be funny." "Are you serious?" "Yeah!" "It's a goof." "You know, a couple of big dudes kissing each other on their video." "It's hilarious." "Come on." "I'm not sure we agree on what's funny." "Okay." "No takers, apparently." "What?" "What's wrong?" "Am I dancing funny?" "You know, I haven't danced in a long time." "I'm just kind of warming up." "No, it's not your dancing." "No, I was just thinking that everybody's talking about how Stan takes such great care of Vicki, and I was just wondering what's she getting that I'm not getting?" "You know, I think the real question is how big of a mess is Stan's wife that she needs to be taken care of?" "I mean, you know, come on, what is she, a drunk?" "Is she slow?" "Does he have to keep her in an attic?" "Eddie, I'm serious." "Oh, come on." "She's not getting anything you're not getting." "We're at a party." "People feel like they have to say something." "Don't buy into the hype." "I'm just saying that if everyone talks about how he takes care of her, he must be doing something great." "What, honey?" "What do you want from me?" "I just wanna be taken care of a little, Eddie." "I take care of you fine." "Really?" "You wouldn't even spend $4 to check my wrap." "You want me to check your wrap?" "Come on, that's what... (STAMMERING) I would love to check your wrap." "What are you, kidding?" "You stay gorgeous, and I'll be right back." "* Whip it good" "(GOT TO BE REAL PLAYING)" "Okay, shy boy, you can't hide anymore." "* What you find" "Jeff, give me something to work with here." "(STUTTERING) Oh, I'm good." "I'm..." "I'm just..." "I'm keeping it real, keeping it small." "It's fun." "You wanna try this?" "Come on, let me see you move it." "I don't wanna move it." "What are you afraid of?" "You afraid someone's gonna laugh at you?" "No, because they're already laughing at you." "What?" "Look at you, with your gyrating and your thrusting." "Those little boys over there watching you, they just became men." "You're insane." "I am a great dancer." "Your problem is you." "You need to stop being so uptight and let yourself go." "Yeah?" "I think you need to let yourself not go." "Wait." "Is this why you wouldn't dance at our wedding?" "Yeah." "I didn't really need you shaking your moneymaker at my nana." "Well, if you don't wanna dance with me," "I'll find someone who will." "* To be real" "Where have you guys been?" "My friend here crashed the Rosenfeld's bar mitzvah across the hall." "Joshua and his camp friends are awesome." "Did you guys see a black wrap?" "It was on the back of this chair." "No, I haven't seen it." "I'm supposed to check in Joy's wrap, and now it's gone." "Was it a wrap?" "Because it looked more like a pashmina." "Now, see, I thought a pashmina was a wrap." "It doesn't matter what it is." "What matters is if I don't find this thing, somehow, I won't be as good a husband as Stan." "I'm a robot." "I'm a robot." "From the future." "* To be real" "(WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD PLAYING ON SCREEN)" "* I see trees of green" "* Red roses too" "* I see them bloom" "Is Joy looking this way?" "No, no." "She's still watching the slide show." "Oh, look at that." "Stan and Vicki on a beach in Rio wearing matching bikini bottoms." "Nobody needs to see that." "How the hell am I gonna find a black wrap in a room full of black tablecloths, black napkins?" "Everything's black." "I don't know, man." "Looks pretty white out there to me." "All right, look, this is what we gotta do." "We gotta divide the room in quadrants, like we're searching a lake for a body." "Man, you can't divide a lake into quadrants." "You dredge a lake and send in divers." "You quadrant off a field, get some bloodhounds, and call the local militia." "Okay, look, this isn't really a field or a lake, okay?" "It's Garden Rotunda Room B. Could we just keep looking?" "You're the one that's asking me to quadrant off a body of water, man." "Hell, I don't even know how to do that." "Great, great, they're serving sorbet." "Joy's gonna get chilly, and she's gonna need her wrap." "I gotta keep moving." "Look, go shake down the bartender and see what he knows." "Okay." "(GET DOWN TONIGHT PLAYING)" "Come on, Cofeld." "Huh?" "Dance with me." "What about your husband?" "My husband doesn't know how to shake it." "Let's get this party going." "I am feeling very uncomfortable with what's happening right now." "I'm hearing a lot of this and not seeing a lot of this." "Oh, God." "Vicki." "Hi." "Wow, what a spectacular evening." "Nice touch with the ice sculpture." "They really captured Stan's head." "Anyway, I have a question for you." "Uh, do you have any kind of a medical condition or psycho-emotional issues?" "What?" "No." "Why?" "Oh, well, you know, all this talk about how Stan takes such good care of you," "I was just sort of wondering if there was some sad reason behind it all." "No, he's just a great guy." "He really looks after me." "Even when the two of you are alone, no one else around?" "Uh-huh." "Especially then." "Wow, what a sweet son of a bitch." "* Get down tonight" "(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) Go, Cofeld." "It's your birthday." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "(CELL PHONE RINGING) Go!" "Hello." "* Make a little love" "* Get down tonight" "Something wrong?" "Yes." "I just heard all my triplets crying." "Then I heard my wife crying." "And what I think was my dog throwing up." "Well, guess I gotta go home." "You know, it's over." "(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) Oh, God, it's over." "Well, well, well." "Excuse me, sweetheart." "(STAMMERING) I think that wrap you're wearing belongs to my wife, so if I could just grab it from you." "Honey, can I maybe convince you to stop with the twirling?" "Darling, could I..." "Here, let me." "Get off!" "You're mean!" "Oh, I think you're mean." "Eddie, what are you doing to my niece?" "I'm not doing anything." "She stole Joy's wrap." "You don't grab something from a child." "You just don't do that." "Eddie, where have you been?" "What's going on?" "Just trying to save your wrap from the bride of Chucky." "This isn't my wrap." "My wrap has sequins on it." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "It's my mom's." "He stole it from me." "My bad." "Here you go, sweetheart." "I thought you checked my wrap." "I might have lost it." "Oh, my God." "I'll..." "Come, come on." "No." "No." "Joy." "You know, in all fairness, this is an adult party." "I..." "Sequins." "Sequins." "Crap." "Crappity crap, crap." "What the hell are you doing in here?" "Hiding from Steph." "That woman violated me out there on that dance floor." "She was riding me like a pony." "My wife is gonna smell her all over me." "I'm not gonna be able to go home tonight." "Oh, neither am I." "I just shredded the wrap that Joy's sister gave her." "This means eight hours of long-distance phone calls about what a douche I am." "What is going on in here?" "First, no RSVP card, then you corner my niece." "Now you're creating a scene in the kitchen." "This is a very elegant party." "You know what?" "No Stan and Vicki souvenir travel mug for you." "Suck on that." "Fine, because your party has been nothing but trouble." "And tell me, what does it mean that you take such great care of your wife?" "What is everybody talking about?" "What, do you give her jewelry?" "Are you a sexual dynamo?" "Yes, and yes." "But there's more than that." "Sometimes I just call Vicki to see how she's doing in the daytime." "You know, I rub her feet at night." "When she's sick, I make her a soup that seems to get her better twice as fast." "See, the way I look at it, in every relationship, there's a gardener and a flower." "I guess I'm just a good gardener, and I care about my flower." "Are you Eddie?" "Yeah." "Your wife wanted me to save these lamb chops for you." "Wow." "I'm feeling like an ass." "And she thought you also might like this mint jelly dipping sauce." "Even assier." "(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)" "Yeah." "All right." "Excuse me." "One second." "There'll be lot more dancing later." "Yeah." "You're terrific out there." "Excuse me." "Hi, uh, everyone." "I'm, uh, Stan's friend, Eddie." "And I just have one more toast for the happy couple." "You know, we've been hearing a lot of talk tonight about, you know, how Stan takes such good care of Nicki..." "Vicki." "Vicki." "And, um, it made me think that I don't nearly do enough to take care of my wife, which is wrong, because, um," "I love her more than anything, and I'm gonna try to do better at taking care of her." "But you know, a wise man once said to me that in every relationship there is a gardener and a flower." "And I learned a little something about myself tonight." "I am the flower." "And sometimes I think it is very important for the flower to say thank you to the gardener." "Thank you for taking such great care of me, Joy." "And, uh, happy anniversary, Stan and Vicki." "You are the flower?" "I am the flower, and thank you for being my gardener, and thank you for the mini lamb chops." "Mmm." "Were they good?" "They were great." "Did you save me some?" "See, that's why you're the gardener." "But I swear I will be better." "Shall we head home?" "Yeah." "Okay." "It may be chilly out, so..." "* Yes, it's my last chance" "* For romance tonight" "* Oh, I need you by me" "* Beside me" "Hey, Steph, you, uh..." "You ready to go?" "Huh?" "No way." "I'm just getting started." "You still don't see how ridiculous you look?" "You wanna see what you look like, huh?" "Like this." "You look like this." "(GRUNTING) You're like..." "You're doing all this." "(GRUNTING)" "See?" "See how ridiculous I look?" "Huh?" "You see how..." "See how good this feels?" "Huh?" "I told you." "I never felt so free." "(GRUNTING)" "Come here, baby." "* All right!" "* Hey!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "(ORGAN PLAYING)" "Come on, defense!" "Yeah!" "Hey, 44!" "Take off your mascara and get into the corners, you wuss!" "I love my hockey girl." "Come here." "Yeah!" "Taste the boards, buddy!" "Lick 'em!" "Welcome to the house of pain, you Czechoslovakian piece of cr..." "I can't do this anymore." "I hate hockey." "What are you talking about?" "You love hockey." "No." "I hate it." "I hate it with my whole heart." "What do you mean?" "You've always loved hockey." "No, I never loved it." "I lied." "Sorry." "Yeah, but this is our thing, baby." "(STAMMERING) We love it." "I'm really, really cold, and I hate it." "I'll meet you in the car." "EDDIE:" "So she lied to you." "What's the big deal?" "What's the big deal?" "The entire fabric of our relationship is built on the fact that she loves hockey!" "All right, settle down there, drama queen." "You're not auditioning for the winter play." "I mean, you don't understand." "On our third date, she got us matching jerseys." "She had me tape games for her." "Our wedding cake was three stacked hockey pucks." "That seems a tad gauche." "That's what I said, but she insisted." "Oh, what am I going to do?" "I just bought a package of 20 home games." "Hey, you know, I got tickets for tonight." "You want to come?" "Oh." "Sorry." "I've got a thing." "Is that my lunch?" "No!" "It says "Jeff Woodcock" on the bag." "Fine!" "There you go." "Let's see what else we got here." "Isn't that Mrs. McKenzie's?" "Yes." "And she can do with one less pudding cup." "All right, look." "Obviously you're upset, but the fact that Steph lied is very natural." "Everybody does it." "It's what dating is all about." "It's what gets you to the altar." "You think anyone would marry anyone if they knew the truth?" "Well, I never lied to Steph." "Oh, really?" "Does any of this sound familiar?" ""I love foreign films."" ""No, I don't mind if the cat sleeps on the bed with us."" ""Lionel Richie, he rocks."" "What does this have to do with Lionel Richie?" "I'll tell you what this has to do with Lionel Richie." "When Joy and I first started dating, she would always show the goods, but she'd never let me touch 'em." "Then one night on the radio comes Dancing on the Ceiling, and she goes, "Oh, that's my favorite song."" "And I say, "Hey, mine, too."" "Now, did I like the song?" "Of course not." "Did I approve of the message Dancing on the Ceiling was sending out to children?" "Totally irresponsible." "The point is, it was a big lie." "But suddenly, off comes Joy's Flashdance sweatshirt, and we're in business." "Well, good for you." "But I never had to lie about stuff like that." "Steph was just really easy." "I can see that." "Look, she might have lied before, but now she's telling the truth, and that's the beauty of marriage, you could finally be honest about who you really are." "You don't have to keep pretending that you have these things in common, or these shared interests." "You can just go out and do your own thing, spending days without talking or even seeing each other at all." "That's true intimacy." "Look, I gave you back your lunch, and you're not even touching it." "I'm just saying." "(DOOR OPENING)" "Hey, sweetie." "Hello, Steph." "If that is your real name." "Come on." "Are you still mad about the hockey thing?" "I'm really sorry, okay?" "It's just really creepy, all right?" "It's like if you lied about that, what else did you lie about?" "Did you have a nose job?" "Are you a US citizen?" "Have you really only been with 14 guys before me?" "I didn't lie about anything else, I swear." "I just pretended to like hockey." "All right." "Okay." "Good." "And Spinal Tap." "What?" "Oh, my god!" "No, I just meant..." "You don't like Spinal Tap?" "Well, it's just sort of goofy." "Goofy?" "Spinal Tap is goofy?" "It's my favorite movie!" "Oh, my gosh." "She doesn't like Spinal Tap." "Do you believe that?" "Jeff, I'm sure there's stuff you lied about, too, right?" "I mean, like antiquing." "You always come with me." "You say how you love it." "But no guy loves antiquing." "Some guys love it." "There's got to be something." "Come on." "Well... (STAMMERING) No, no." "Yeah." "I got something." "You remember that haircut that you got last year, the one with the bangs?" "I said I loved it, but I didn't." "I liked it, but I didn't love it." "There you go." "Doesn't that feel better?" "No." "I am pathetic." "You're not pathetic, honey." "And you don't need me to enjoy hockey." "You loved it before you met me." "That's true." "And you can love it again." "Tonight." "You've got another game." "Why don't you go with one of your guy friends?" "Okay, yeah." "Good." "Good." "I'll just..." "I'll go with one of my guy friends." "Yeah." "Right." "I've got two hours to make a guy friend." "All right." "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "* Whoo!" "MAN ON TV:" "The Mini Chopper Pro replaces all these appliances." "Now, how much would you pay for something like this?" "$29.95." "But wait." "There's more." "We're prepared to offer you the Mini Chopper Pro, the Chopper Pro Junior, and the recipe book, a $200 value, all for... $19.95." "(SCREAMS)" "How long have you been sitting back there?" "About an hour." "Really?" "Yeah." "Huh." "You know, I was talking to Woodcock about this." "This is marriage." "Two people doing their own thing, living totally independent lives." "What are you talking about "independent lives"?" "We're sitting four feet away from each other, looking at different-sized screens." "Well, yeah, but we have nothing in common." "Really?" "What are you doing back there?" "Well, I'm purchasing the product that you're watching." "(STAMMERING) But listen." "That's not the point." "We have totally separate interests." "No, we don't." "Yeah, we do." "Name one thing that you do without me." "Well, for starters," "I bowl." "Oh." "You're a bowler?" "Yes." "Love to bowl." "Have my own ball, my own patented move, the Stark strike-maker." "Mighty ball!" "I gave your ball away seven years ago." "What?" "What are you talking about, you gave it away?" "It's right here in the hall..." "I can't believe you gave away my ball!" "It was custom-drilled for my fingers." "I loved that ball." "Did you?" "What color was it?" "Round." "Not only have we not grown apart, we are the same person." "You know what?" "You're wrong, because I am my own person." "I am unique, like a human snowflake." "No, you're not." "Look at the way you're eating that cookie." "You're using one side as a shovel to eat the filling, the cookie shovel." "Where'd you learn that technique, snowflake?" "From my friend Bill?" "From me." "The cookie shovel is mine." "Oh, and check this out." "Ta-da!" "What?" "We're wearing the same outfit." "Oh, my God!" "You know those couples that we make fun of in the yogurt place?" "We're them!" "I gotta get out of here." "I gotta find my own thing." "Where are you gonna go?" "I don't know." "I'll head north." "Good luck with that." "And I'm telling you, I have to do something." "We are not going to turn into the old yogurt people." "Wait." "You're really going out?" "What am I supposed to do?" "I don't care what you do." "Just don't do what I'm doing." "Well, what are you doing?" "I have no idea." "Well, I don't want to just sit here by myself." "Oh, okay." "Well, go out with that friend who calls you all the time and I always forget to give you the message." "Uh, Marla." "Barbara?" "Barbara." "Exactly." "Wait, when did Barbara call?" "Like, every day last week." "It was something about her getting divorced." "Oh, my god!" "* All right!" "* Whoo!" "Oh, jeez!" "Eddie, what are you doin' here?" "Just doin' my own thing." "What's up with you?" "Just going to go to that hockey game alone." "I love hockey!" "I'm in!" "You said..." "Love it!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh!" "* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Okay." "Hockey." "Love it!" "You know, I haven't heard the Canadian anthem in quite a while, but I got to say, I think it's better than ours." "All right." "Where is that puck?" "I got to be honest, I haven't seen it at all tonight." "You know, Steph could always find the puck." "She has eyes like a Navy pilot." "You just forget about her, okay?" "You know, when it would get chilly, we would snuggle up under this blanket." "Yeah." "Well, you're gonna have to buy me a few more beers for that to happen." "Come on." "Mmm." "Oh, snap out of it." "Hey, you want to do the wave?" "All right." "I guess." "What do you mean, you guess?" "Come on." "Surf's up!" "Whoo!" "Okay." "Maybe it's a little bit too early for the wave." "But that is gonna kill later." "You will see." "Go, baby!" "Go, baby!" "Oh." "Oh." "Look." "Look at Sally McHockey over there, puttin' on an act." "Hey, it's all a lie!" "Once the ring gets on her finger, it's gonna be all pedicures and tea parties." "She's not a hockey girl, buddy." "She's a fake." "I will kick your ass." "Okay." "She's for real." "She's the real deal." "Good luck to you, sir." "You're gonna make beautiful children." "Okay." "Her boot's in my spine." "Someone's not respecting personal space." "Just so you know, if somethin' happens, I do not have your back." "* Yeah!" "Barbara, I am so sorry that I didn't call you back." "I had no idea that you and Marty were splitting up." "Neither did I." "It was pretty sudden." "I mean, there were signs." "Like the constant pressure to have a three-way." "Wow." "That explains Marty's e-mails to me." "Anyway, the important thing is that I'm moving on." "I mean, I don't need Marty to validate me because I'm happy with who I am." "Do you like the lips?" "Did I do too much?" "Do I have trout pout?" "No." "No." "Another couple of days, you'll be able to close them all the way." "I hope so." "So, how'd you get to come out by yourself tonight?" "Where's Eddie?" "Oh, he had this whole meltdown because I told him we were kind of becoming the same person, and so he wanted to go out and do his own thing tonight, be his own man." "Last time I saw him, he was wandering up and down the block looking into mailboxes." "Well, what I'm hearing is that you are an honorary single girl like me tonight." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) What?" "What's going on?" "This place turns into a dance club at 9:00." "Oh." "We should get the check." "What are you talking about?" "We're staying." "You're going to be my wingwoman." "Oh, Barbara, I don't know." "It's been years since I went clubbing." "Oh, come on." "You can still shake it." "Oh, I can still shake it." "Last I checked, these still got me free drinks." "So, okay." "Game on!" "Oh, I don't know." "I..." "I..." "Wow." "I can feel that bass everywhere." "(PEOPLE CLAPPING)" "Sit down already." "I'm going down." "I'm mostly torso." "It takes a while." "You were in the bathroom that whole time?" "It was pretty disturbing." "There was a man helping another man pee in the sink." "Oh!" "Oh, yeah!" "Look at those two guys wailing' on each other!" "Look at that." "There's blood everywhere." "Steph should be here for this." "Steph doesn't like hockey, okay?" "And quite frankly, I think I get her point." "What is so great about this experience?" "Is it the cold?" "Is it the relentless organ music?" "Is it that simple-minded fellow who keeps hitting his cow bell?" "That's Cowbell George." "His wife's here with him." "Can I ask you to please not kick my chair?" "How about I kick you in the head?" "(SNORTS)" "Wow." "She did it." "She didn't even wait for an answer." "Ha." "You want to dance with the scarecrow?" "Come on!" "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Okay." "I stand corrected." "This is my new favorite song." "Whoa." "Sailor." "What are you leaving room for, cream and sugar?" "Okay, she's married!" "I'm divorced and back on the pill!" "Barbara!" "Hey!" "I am so glad that Eddie made me come out tonight." "Whoo!" "Oh." "Oh." "I'm gonna call him." "You know, these lips aren't the only thing I've had done." "It's going right to voicemail." "Eddie!" "Hi!" "Oh, I'm so glad you made me do this." "I hope you're having as much fun as I am." "Whoo!" "Ow!" "You're hurting my nipple!" "It's not worth it, Cathy!" "Not in your first trimester!" "He's right, Cathy." "You got way too much to lose." "All right, George!" "Put down the cowbell!" "Hey, you're home early." "Is the game over?" "No." "We were asked to leave right after Eddie flipped off the kiss-cam." "But I got you one of these." "A towel." "Not a towel, angel." "A rally towel." "You know, when your team's down and you need them to rally?" "Well, I need you to rally, honey." "Whoo!" "Huh?" "You're freaking out a little here." "What's going on?" "I need us to go back to the lie, okay?" "I need you to tell me that you love hockey, because it's really not the same without you." "So we're going to wave our towels, we're going to watch the end of the game, because the girl I married loves hockey, and if you don't love hockey, then I don't know who the hell you are." "This is nice, right?" "Go ahead." "Say it." "Say you love it." "Say you love hockey." "Okay, I love it." "Liar!" "But you said you wanted to go back to the lie." "We can't go back!" "I know you hate it now." "You've ruined hockey for me!" "You've made me question everything!" "I am very angry inside!" "Stupid rally towel!" "(GRUNTING)" "Jeff, I'm so sorry this is making you upset." "I never meant to hurt you." "Let me ask you something." "When you called me after our first date and told me you had hockey tickets and asked me to go, if I had told you I hated hockey, what would have happened?" "Would we have ever had a second date?" "Probably." "No." "You'd have taken somebody else to the game." "And then you never would've put your arm around me when I got cold." "We wouldn't have had our first kiss that night." "And it's possible we wouldn't have ended up together." "None of this would exist." "So I lied." "I said I loved hockey." "I'd do it again." "It got me you." "It's the best lie I ever told." "I never thought of it that way." "Well, it's true." "Okay, how about this?" "How about we compromise, okay?" "How about you go to one game a season?" "You got it." "Okay." "And maybe you could wear the jersey when we do, like, you know, other stuff." "You mean like sex?" "I was thinking antiquing, but I like yours better." "* Yeah, yeah!" "* Oh, oh, oh" "MAN ON TV:" "Not as hungry as you thought you were?" "Not a problem." "Pack it, suck it, and save it with the new Vacuum Packer." "Operators are standing by." "(MUTES VOLUME)" "Whoo!" "Hey." "Oh, my God." "What a night." "I am so glad you made us go out." "Barbara and I went to this restaurant that became a nightclub, and I danced so hard on the bar that I broke a heel." "Oh, and a bamboo ceiling fan." "I got beat up by a girl." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "No, I'm sorry." "I hate it out there." "I don't need interests or my own thing." "I'm fine just sitting right here, being the same person as you." "Hey, you want to put on our matching flannel jammies?" "No." "Actually, I just came home to change my shoes." "Barbara and I are going to go for waffles with these gay guys that we met." "Oh." "Okay." "Save me your bacon." "I will." "(SIGHS)" "What happened to gay waffles?" "You know what?" "Barbara won't miss me." "I was kind of stealing her thunder anyway." "That's my girl." "MAN ON TV:" "And the sucking doesn't have to stop in the kitchen." "Winter sweaters taking up too much room?" "With the new Vacuum Packer, you can suck 'em down to size." "Now, how much would you pay for an item like this?" "$29.95." "No way." "They're going to give it to us for $19.95, but they're gonna kill us on the bags." "No." "Now about the low price of $19.95?" "Bags sold separately." "Booya!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh" "It's okay, honey." "We don't have to have the same favorite movie." "You'll have Spinal Tap, and I'll have... anything else." "Oh, no." "It's great." "We're just going to watch it one more time." "Amp goes to 11." "That's classic." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)" "It's..." "It speaks for itself." "I'm gonna stop talking." "(SNICKERING)" "I'm sorry." "I still don't see why that's funny." "Because it goes to 11." "Things never go to 11." "It's always 10." "That's the standard." "No, I get that." "I just..." "Why don't they make it that it goes to 40?" "You know, like much higher." "Wouldn't that be funnier?" "No!" ""This one goes to 40."" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Just go put on the jersey." "I'll be in there in a minute." "* Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "* All right!" "* Hey!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "Hi, Shiny." "Hey, babe." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What is this?" "Pancakes?" "Bacon?" "Omelets?" "Am I dreaming or are we having breakfast for dinner?" "Oh, it's real, big boy." "As real as these eggs that expired yesterday." "I like your style, lady." "We are going to eat what we want, when we want it, even if we get a little salmonella doing it." "(BANGING)" "Do you think that it's time we got a new fridge?" "'Cause I think this is ridiculous." "Ridiculous or sexy?" "You know, I got to tell you, you stabbing stuff just gets my motor going." "Eddie, I don't have a lot of big dreams, but one that I do have is getting a nice, symmetrical ice cube out of my freezer without the risk of plunging a spike through my hand." "Yeah, but you see, you get yourself a new refrigerator and all of a sudden, the stove starts looking old, and then the cabinets are ugly, and pretty soon, your whole life just looks bad." "And you got to drink booze just to get through the day, and you got to have pills to sleep at night and you get fired from your job and you end up on the street." "So, no new refrigerator." "You're welcome." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "So, what are you doing Saturday?" "Watching That's So Raven in my underwear." "What are you doing?" "Well, I read about this marriage workshop I think we should go to." "Whoa, whoa." "What's happening?" "Why do we need marriage counseling?" "Did you..." "Did you cheat on me?" "You can tell me, Joy." "We can work through this, but don't send me to counseling." "No." "I didn't cheat on you." "And it's not counseling." "It's Tammy Thomas Tomlinson's marriage workshop for happy couples who want to stay happy." "Well, come on." "That doesn't make any sense." "If we're already happy, the best way to stay happy is by doing nothing." "Think of it as a marriage tune-up." "You know, just getting under the hood and checking our fluids." "I don't want anyone named Tammy Thomas Tomlinson anywhere near my fluids." "Come on." "It'll be fun." "It's only four Saturday seminars." "That's like saying it's only four catheters." "Eddie, I want to try this thing." "(STAMMERING) Look." "I could say no and end it right now, or else I could say yes and then be sick for the next four Saturdays in a row." "You know, I can make my glands swell up like a bullfrog." "Yeah." "You're quite a catch." "You know what?" "Never mind." "Forget I mentioned it." "Ah." "Okay." "See?" "Conflict resolution." "We don't need a workshop by Tammy Tucker Tinklebaum to tell us that, right?" "You want to know who the real genius is?" "Mr. Tammy Tucker Tinklebaum." "Yeah." ""Oh, honey, you know everything about marriage." ""Hey, here's a good idea." ""Why don't you go away every weekend" ""and share your wisdom with everyone in the world," ""and I'll just sit here and watch football alone?"" "Yeah." "I'll take a class from that guy." "I'll tell you that right now." "(LAUGHING)" "* Yeah!" "* Oh, oh, oh!" "(CHUCKLES)" "What's so funny?" "I'm grading these papers." "Check out this answer." ""Who was the first Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court?"" "Answer, "The honorable Don K. Balls."" "Don K. Balls." "(SNICKERS)" ""F" for "funny" and "future fry cook."" "What the hell was that?" "Oh." "Oh, I'm reusing baggies." "Just trying to save a little money." "Oh, really?" "Mmm-hmm." "I'll tell you what." "Here's 10 bucks." "You can buy yourself about a million Ziplocs." "Oh, you laugh, but every little penny helps." "Steph is out of control with money." "You know, the other day, she bought a suede jacket that cost more than my entire wardrobe." "So, what, like a $30 jacket?" "I'm a vice-principal, okay?" "I am not making crazy principal jack here." "I even told Steph that she should talk to me before spending the money that I earn." "I bet that went over well." "No." "It didn't." "Actually had a pretty big fight about it and she said she would return the jacket." "All right." "So, happy ending, right?" "That's the thing, Eddie." "She didn't return it." "She went to this yoga class with a friend and then she came back with all this new stuff about how even though I earn the money, we're married, so it's our money and everything should be 50-50." "Whoa." "Wait a minute." "Did you say that she went to a yoga class with a friend?" "Yeah." "Mandy." "Okay." "I see what's happening here." "You, young master Jeffrey, are a victim of a fight friend." "(SIGHS) Okay, I'll bite." "What's a fight friend?" "It's a person your wife runs to when you're having fights so she can reload with a new set of arguments." "Some people call them fight friends, other people call them beeyatches." "Either way, you lose." "You know, I met Mandy once." "She was kind of a beeyatch." "Okay." "There you go." "You know, Joy had a beeyatch." "Her name was Janice Indelicato." "She used to make my life a living hell." "Fortunately, she developed a rare skin disease and had to move to Switzerland for treatment." "So, what am I supposed to do?" "Well, you're not going to fight two women, that's for sure." "I mean, you married Steph, not her friend." "Does Steph let you have make-up sex with her friend?" "If so, God bless." "If not, you got to put a stop to it." "You know what, you're right." "I should nip this right in the bud." "Yeah." "Good for you." "By the way, you know that the $10 was a joke." "Here's your flight and hotel information, and you're all set." "You two are going to love Brazil." "Couple of things to keep in mind." "Just because everyone else is sunbathing topless, don't feel that you need to." "And if you run out of your meds, don't worry, because they're very cheap down there." "(JOY CHUCKLING)" "Oh, and one more thing." "Some of the women may actually be men." "Okay!" "Have fun." "Okay." "Thanks." "Bye-bye." "They're going to die down there." "I thought they were going to die in here." "Oh, allow me." "Looking good." "Out you go." "(GRUNTS)" "Hey, baby." "Hey, honey." "Eddie, hi." "Hey, Nicole." "Make sure you say hi to your adorable husband for me." "I will." "Oh, and you know when you were over at my house on Sunday playing cards?" "That cake you ate out of the freezer?" "That was from my wedding." "We ran out of chips." "What are you doing here?" "Well, I figured I was open for lunch today, so I thought it was time to come down here and toss a burger down your throat." "Oh, thank you." "And also, I wanted to make sure there were no hard feelings about the marriage workshop thing, because, as you know, you're my best gal." "Mmm." "That's sweet." "Hey, actually, speaking of that marriage workshop," "I was doing some thinking." "You were?" "I mean, doesn't the fact that you won't even do this little thing for me speak to maybe a larger problem, like a lack of connection?" "Which makes me believe we actually do need the workshop." "What?" "Wait a minute." "What's with the nod?" "What do you mean?" "Do you have anything to do with this?" "Me?" "I'm not the one who's afraid to get better as a man." "I can't believe you got yourself a new fight friend." "Oh, what?" "You are being paranoid." "Paranoid?" "I saw the way she nodded." "I'm allowed to nod." "It's a free country." "Okay, yes." "Yes, I talked to Nicole." "She had a good point." "What, now you're going to stop me from talking to her?" "No, I just want to know how long the two of you have been carrying on." "The "Let's try Indian food" fight." "Did she have something to do with that?" "You never want to try new things." "How is this any of your business?" "Well, apparently, I'm married to both of you, so why just don't the three of us go out to lunch?" "That would be delightful." "I could eat a burger." "(STAMMERING)" "Come on, let's get it." "What just happened?" "Sure you don't want to come to yoga with me?" "No, thanks." "Last time I went, there was this extremely flexible old man that really freaked me out." "Hey, do you have any money?" "I'm out of cash." "I was going to stop at that yogurt place with Mandy after." "Yeah." "Sure." "Let me see what I got." "Ah, I got $40, and 20 for you." "50-50, right?" "Honey, you're not still mad about our money fight, are you?" "No, no, no." "You were right." "We're married." "It's our money." "Thank you." "Yeah." "Oh, a birthday card from my grammy." "Aw." "(GASPS) $100?" "She's too sweet." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What?" "You just had this whole thing about how our money's supposed to be 50-50." "Yeah." "So?" "Well, you got two $50 bills in your pocket, and my 20." "Just trying to figure out the rules here, you know, just..." "What are you saying?" "You want half of my grammy's birthday money?" "Well, considering that's the biggest paycheck you've gotten this fiscal year." "Jeff, this is a birthday present from my grandmother." "I understand that, and Grammy's great." "She's a fine lady when she's awake." "I just..." "Look." "I don't understand why this doesn't flow both ways." "Because this is different." "Different how?" "I don't know, but I'm sure it's different." "I have to go to yoga." "We'll talk about this later." "Whoa, no, no, no, no." "Hey." "You're not going anywhere, all right?" "Especially not to meet your fight friend." "My what?" "Mandy, the mastermind behind your whole big suede jacket scam." "I shouldn't have to fight two women unless I get to have make-up sex with Mandy, too." "Scratch that." "It's bad." "Scratch that." "Look, this fight is between you and me, and you are not leaving until this is over." "Did you just lock me in my own house?" "No." "Well, drive safely, honey." "Okay." "In exactly T-minus 36 hours," "I'm going to be stuck in a hotel ballroom with Tammy Thomas Tomlinson telling me why I'm a failure to my wife, myself, and perhaps my Lord." "Tammy Tigger Thomason?" "What is that, a puppet?" "No." "She's a marriage counselor, and your wife put that idea in Joy's head." "Really?" "Yes." "You should've seen the way they double-teamed me yesterday at lunch." "I was so worked up, I could only eat two burgers and a basket of wings." "That sucks." "That's all you have to say?" "Women are from Venus?" "See, that's my point right there." "If you and I were women and I had this problem, our brains would've already fused together into one big, mega woman brain and I would have 10 great reasons why I don't have to go to this thing on Saturday." "Okay, okay." "How about you tell her this?" "How about you tell her that you heard that sometimes marriage counseling causes more problems than it solves, hmm?" "Okay, that's good." "That's good." "Where did I hear it?" "The New York Times." "I like it!" "Hey, you know what?" "Nicole is over at my house right now." "What do you say you go back over with me?" "You could be my backup." "I don't know, man." "I got enough to fight with my wife about as it is." "We just had a big one at the movies when I didn't butter her popcorn." "Apparently, that's my passive-aggressive way of calling her fat." "And I said, "Honey, if I wanted to call you fat, I'd just call you fat."" "That did not help." "Okay, so because you can't get a popcorn order right," "I have to go home alone and fight two wives like I'm a Mormon?" "Come on." "Don't do this to me, man." "Come on." "Look, Joy has help." "I need someone on my side." "All right." "I'll be your corner man." "I'll be your Mickey to your Rocky." "Great." "I don't want to be Mickey." "He's old." "I'll be Apollo Creed." "He has a cool name." "Okay." "All right." "No, no, no." "I don't want to be Apollo Creed." "Man, he fought Rocky." "I don't want to fight you." "Oh, of course, he only fought Rocky in the first and the second one, and then, you know, in the third one, Mickey dies, and then he coaches him when he fights Mr. T." "I want to be Mr. T!" "Okay." "Okay." "* Hey!" "Hello, Joy, Nicole." "Hi." "Look who I ran into." "How y'all doing?" "Eddie, what's going on?" "Oh, nothing, really." "Just hanging out with my friend, the way you're hanging out with your friend." "We both got friends." "That's right." "People we can talk to about our lives, who can give us new insights." "My friend nods, too." "Oh, my God." "Are you still on that?" "Oh, I am on it, I am all under it, and I'm all around it." "Are you scared?" "Not really." "You're not?" "No." "Okay." "So, you really think that he's going to help you argue your way out of the workshop?" "Maybe." "May not need him at all." "Actually, I've been doing a little reading on my own about the marriage counseling workshops, and turns out that they may cause more problems than they solve." "That's not me talking, that's The New Yorker." "New York Times." "New York Times." "When did you read The New York Times?" "On the bus." "What bus?" "The downtown bus." "Downtown bus to where?" "The New York Times." "That's it." "You got 'em, champ." "You got 'em." "You got 'em." "Bob and weave." "Bob and weave." "I got you." "I got you." "(INAUDIBLE)" "See, that's how they roll." "See what they do there?" "No, no, no." "Don't even worry about that." "Yeah." "See that?" "Mmm-hmm." "It's what they do." "Yeah." "Let me ask you a question, Eddie." "Do you think you're a good husband?" "Hold it." "Careful." "Smells like a trap." "Just answer the question." "Hmm." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Pass." "You can't pass." "I can't?" "Then, yes." "Okay, so you are so perfect, there's no room for improvement?" "I see eight things wrong with you right now." "Well, I'm just saying I don't need some hokey workshop to keep my wife happy." "Are you saying you refuse to give back just a little bit to your wife, the woman who drained your coccyx cyst every day for three weeks and still had the stomach to make love to you?" "Damn, that's nasty." "Maybe you should go to that workshop." "Excuse us a second, will you?" "Whose side are you on?" "Yours, but unless you have something that's gonna top coccyx cyst, you're dead." "What do you got?" "I got nothing." "You know that these women have this huge database about stuff they can use against us." "I don't have a memory like that." "If I close my eyes right now," "I couldn't even tell you what clothes I was wearing." "You should just give up, man." "Hey, the workshop's only four Saturdays." "I'll tape the college games for you." "No way." "I'm not dying on this hill." "I got to do something." "Unless you can come back from her squeezing pus out of your coccyx... (WHINES)" "Oh, sure." "Joy drained my cyst, but I help my wife, too, just like you help your wife when you wouldn't put butter on her popcorn 'cause you were concerned about her weight." "What?" "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "Oh, God." "She's speaking Korean." "Why did you do that, man?" "I'm sorry, buddy, but your wife is a heat-seeking missile, and I had to deploy you as countermeasure." "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "Baby, I didn't call you fat." "I just forgot the butter!" "Butter, butter!" "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "I am out of here." "I..." "Baby, but you can't go." "You're my ride home!" "(SPEAKING KOREAN)" "My tapes don't speak that fast." "I don't even know what she's saying!" "Baby!" "Wait!" "All right, well, listen." "Have a good time at that workshop and I'll tape the games for you." "I cannot believe you just threw your friend under a bus like that." "Oh, come on." "He'll be fine." "She wasn't even that mad." "Wow." "You must really be desperate not to go to that workshop." "Come on." "They're the ones who need the workshop." "I mean, we're fine, Joy." "Why do we got to sit in a circle at the airport Ramada with Tommy Timmy Templeton telling us how to love?" "You know what?" "You're right." "Forget about it." "(CABINET DOOR BANGING)" "I mean, yeah, sure, we've got problems, but I happen to think that our worst problem is this freaking refrigerator." "(BANGING)" "All right." "All right." "All right." "Does my lady want a new refrigerator?" "Then that's what my lady gets." "Are you serious?" "Absolutely." "You're the best." "But I got to be honest." "I am going to miss that stabbing." "Give it a few more whacks for your daddy." "Go ahead." "That's it." "Go on." "That's it." "Mmm." "Yeah, baby." "Yes!" "Yes, baby." "Yes." "Oh!" "Hey, Eddie, I know you feel bad about the new fridge, man, but I got to tell you, she's a beauty." "Sleek." "Built to last." "Big, old bottom bin, just like I like them." "Look, it's just an appliance." "Take it down a notch." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "What's up, Crockett?" "Tubbs?" "You know, I just took this yoga class with Steph and her friend Mandy." "I had my head further between my legs than I ever thought possible." "Wow." "So, you're hanging with her fight friend?" "Come on, man." "You can't consort with the enemy." "Oh, no, I had it all wrong about Mandy." "She actually told Steph to give me her grammy's birthday money as a thank-you for how hard I work." "Really?" "Mmm-hmm." "Please tell me you invested some of it in a bronzing cream." "(LAUGHS) No." "It was such a nice gesture," "I actually took the money and bought Steph a day of beauty." "Oh, my God." "Don't you see what's happening here?" "She played you." "Steph let you win." "She knew that you would feel bad and get all mushy and then do something nice for her." "It's a classic bait-and-switch." "Oh, you mean, like, if I wanted a new fridge, but I pretended to want to go to a marriage workshop 'cause I knew you'd say no and feel bad and then let me buy one?" "(GIGGLES)" "That would be funny." "(LAUGHING)" "That would be funny." "I never had a chance." "* All right!" "* Hey!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "EDDIE:" "I love faculty pasta night." "I'm going back in." "Are you kidding?" "You've had nine plates of spaghetti." "How can you not be full?" "Oh, I emptied her out 20 minutes ago." "Hello there." "Oh, hello, Father Woodcock." "Are you here to bless the buffet?" "It's called a mock turtleneck, Eddie, and they happen to be making a comeback." "Yeah?" "Maybe you should wait until they're all the way back?" "Hey, hey." "Have you met Lucy, the new history teacher?" "You know, I heard she was on the squash team at Penn." "I think I might try to get a game with her." "Right." "Well, you know what?" "You're not gonna want to do that." "Why not?" "Because you're married now, Opie." "And once you're married, the only female friends you can have are the ones that are grandfathered in, and even they better be really, really ugly." "Eddie, Steph and I happen to trust each other." "The last thing that would threaten either one of us..." "Is Steph talking to the quarterback?" "Will you hold my plate?" "Salad." "That's not gonna silence the rumors." "Hi, sweetie." "Hey, Mr. Woodcock." "Oh, is Steph your wife?" "Yes, Brian." "Mrs. Woodcock is my wife." "So step off, hotshot." "What was that about?" "That kid is a nightmare, Steph." "The other day, I told him he couldn't wear sunglasses in class." "He cut my phone line off and glued my office door shut." "I was trapped in there for five periods." "Again, I'm sorry I thought all your frantic e-mails were a gag." "Excuse me." "You're Eddie, right?" "I'm Lucy." "I just joined your department." "Oh." "Hi." "Welcome." "Great." "See you in the hallway." "I have heard so much about you." "Everybody loves your class." "Oh, and here's my wife right now." "Hi." "Speak of the devil." "I'm Joy." "Lucy." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Anyway, I'm so new to all this." "I'd love to get together and just pick your brain about my syllabus." "Would it be okay if I gave you my number?" "Did you hear about my wife?" "Yes." "Hi." "Hi again." "Hi." "You know, I don't have a pen." "Me, neither." "I have one." "I can't believe you brought that spaghetti home." "Oh, come on." "There was plenty leftover for the shelter." "All right, we gotta make some room in here." "Are you still keeping this low-fat yogurt dream alive?" "Yes, Eddie, I am." "Okay, well, something's gotta go." "I'm looking at 20 pictures of Paul Newman here." "Why are you and I both so afraid to finish jelly?" "What are you doing?" "I'm throwing away Lucy's number." "Why?" "Because I've been in this marriage long enough to know that me dating another woman while I'm still married to you is probably a bad idea." "She is your colleague." "Yeah, a colleague with lady parts." "You think she's trying to date you?" "Get over yourself." "She doesn't want you." "And even if she did, you wouldn't do anything." "And even if you wanted to do something, you wouldn't know what to do." "Trust me, I'd know what to do." "Do you even know what's involved in having an affair?" "Everything that you're against." "Floral delivery, candlelit restaurants, rendezvous in seedy motels." "What are you gonna do, germ guy, bring your own bedspread?" "Okay, so what are you saying, it's okay to hang out with another woman?" "Yes." "Oh, come on." "Are you kidding?" "You would be so jealous." "Maybe you haven't noticed, but we..." "We don't feel jealousy anymore." "We're dead inside." "What?" "Relax." "In a good way." "We're finally in a place in our relationship where we're totally secure because we both understand the other one has no other options." "No, no, no, I think we still get jealous." "Oh, come on." "I am the one who suggests we go to Hooters 'cause I like the buffalo wings." "And I don't get mad when you tip 40%." "Well, I still get jealous." "Really?" "What did you say to our gardener when you caught him peeking in the window at me in the shower?" "I said, "While you're there, you might want to prune the rhododendrons."" "Oh, my God, we are dead inside." "Give the lady a call." "You want me to call her?" "I do." "And this isn't gonna come back and bite me in the ass?" "No, that part of our relationship is dead also." "(JINGLE PLAYING)" "Hey." "Wayne, Brian, Sebastian." "Uh, hey, guys, you know," "I love the smell of sweet cherry hickory as much as the next guy, but you cannot smoke a pipe in high school." "The thing is, my grandfather was an Indian chief." "My people have lost everything." "You want to take this away from me, too?" "Look, guys, I'm just trying to do my job here." "Please, can you give me a break?" "Hey." "Put the pipe out." "All right." "Sorry, Mr. Woodcock." "Really?" "Well, thanks, guys." "Yeah, no problem." "Hey, and by the way, how's Mrs. Woodcock?" "She's..." "She's good." "Oh, no." "She's better than good." "She's a hottie." "Nice job with that." "Yeah." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Eddie, your date's here!" "Oh, look, you tucked in for her!" "Hi, Lucy." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Hello." "Welcome." "Come on in." "Thank you so much for having me over." "Why don't you two go in there and start your learning thing and maybe I'll fix you a snack." "(LAUGHS) Fantastic." "Please, sit down." "Thank you." "Now, for American history, I made a copy of my syllabus." "Wow." "So all of January is musket month?" "That's correct." "I know I spent a lot of time on warfare, but peace is kind of boring, don't you think?" "(STAMMERING) No." "It's good." "I mean, "The lessons of history are written" ""by the wounded, not the dead," right?" "Oh, my God, that's from Marshall Duffy's book," "A Historical Take on History." "You know that book?" "What, are you kidding?" "He is my favorite author." "I love him." "Me, too." "You know, so many people think his book is boring." "I think his writing is phenomenal." "Well, if you like his writing, tell me what you think of his handwriting in this personal inscription made out to me!" "No way!" ""Keep making history."" "Eddie, this is awesome." "Yeah." "I kept the pen." "It's a Bic." "All right." "You know, he's speaking at that bookstore by school on Saturday." "Are you going?" "Well, I better be." "I'm moderating the QA." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Oh, my God, you're my hero." "No, no, no." "Duffy's the hero." "How about that chapter he wrote on the Teapot Dome scandal?" "I know." "He totally turns it on its head." "Yeah, finally somebody has Warren G. Harding's back, right?" "We were out of cookies, so I defrosted some guacamole." "You know, I'm just really glad that someone is finally reminding us that it's Albert Fall who took that bribe." "Thank you." "And that son of a bitch Harry Sinclair and how he tampered with that jury." "I stuck my tongue in it." "I hope that's okay." "Oh, yeah..." "That's sweet, honey." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "This chapter on the..." "Oh, don't tell me." "Don't tell me." "The Tennessee Valley Authority." "Oh, he nailed that." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Anybody need a cigarette?" "(JINGLE PLAYING)" "Honey, when you asked me out for lunch," "I kind of thought we were going someplace nice." "The cafeteria's not nice?" "Excuse me, we just recarpeted this pole." "Besides, you know, you get a chance to see me do my thing, meet some people." "Huh?" "Hey!" "Scott!" "Rahim, it's the wifeski." "Not too shabby, huh?" "Hey." "You want to go sit by the window?" "Hey, Mr. Woodcock." "Hey, let's sit next to Brian." "Wait." "Isn't he the guy who glued you into your office?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "He's crazy." "He's awesome." "(JINGLE PLAYING)" "What you watching?" "Dog show." "The terriers are up." "Little legs, big hearts." "You know, our couch is an L." "You have a whole other wing over there." "I want to be close to you." "Okay." "I believe I have a pit open." "(CHUCKLES)" "Wow." "If she's going to be running with that dog, she might want to get a better bra." "Yeah." "I bet those things weigh more than her beagle." "(LAUGHS)" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "Hi." "Yeah, he's here." "Hold on." "Lucy." "Oh, really?" "She probably wants to know when the book QA starts tomorrow." "Oh, she's going to that?" "Of course she is." "It's her favorite book." "Go for Eddie." "Really?" "Right now?" "What right now?" "What channel?" "What is it?" "The History Channel is re-enacting the entire Iran-Contra scandal." "But the doberman's about to mount the chihuahua." "Remind you of anything?" "Okay." "Oh, gosh, this is gonna be the 17 best hours of television ever." "You don't mind, do you, honey?" "No, no, you enjoy." "Oh, who's that playing Ronald Reagan?" "Oh, they got John Larroquette." "(LAUGHING)" "(SNAPPING FINGERS)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "Ah, that looks just like the Oval Office." "No, no, never been, but I've seen" "American President nine times." "Oh, jellybeans on the desk." "Nice touch." "* Oh!" "* Oh, oh, baby" "Put down your Cosmo and shave your legs." "We're going out." "Really?" "Where are we going?" "Parking lot behind the water tower." "What?" "Yeah." "I'm gonna need you to wear something special, too." "(EXCLAIMS)" "This is nice." "I'm not wearing a camisole." "It's 10 degrees out." "All right, uh..." "Oh, how about this nice warm sweater with some kitten tights, huh?" "Okay, Brian's got a curfew." "Chop-chop, we gotta move." "Brian?" "Jeff, this is insane." "We're not gonna go out with a bunch of high school kids." "Why are you doing this?" "Look, honey..." "Honey, look." "I know this may come as a shock to you, but I was not that popular in high school." "I mean, sure, everyone in the magic club loved me, but outside of that world it was a very lonely place." "And I don't know how the hell I landed you, but..." "You know, when I brought you in the other day, it was like it gave me this street cred that I've never had before, and I was able to become everything I never was in high school." "Honey, don't worry so much about being cool." "I've been with cool guys, a lot of cool guys." "Like, 15 of them." "This one guy, Dave, he was a Navy SEAL." "You could drop him out of a helicopter, like, anywhere in the world and he could survive." "He was really, really cool." "But I never loved any of them the way I love a nice nerdy guy like you." "Really?" "Yeah." "Let's stay home and be all nerdy together." "You want to show me a magic trick?" "Okay." "Don't move." "I gotta find my false thumb." "I'll be here." "(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)" "(JINGLE PLAYING)" "(LOUDLY) Good afternoon every... (FEEDBACK RINGING) Okay, that isn't gonna..." "That isn't..." "That isn't necessary." "Um, I guess we'll go unplugged, as the, uh, young people say, uh, today." "Anyway, it is a, um, a great honor to introduce the author of one of the most influential books of our time." "The incomparable professor Marshall Duffy." "It's great to be here." "Oh, yes, young lady." "I had a question about your chapter on crops." "If indigo had been as stable a commodity as rice or cotton, what effect would that have had on the formation of the South Carolina aristocracy?" "Wow." "This crowd is throwing some heat." "That is a brilliant question." "Well, I never really considered that hypothetical." "Huh." "You just gave me the idea for my next book." "Next question." "Uh, young lady in the back." "Joy?" "Hi, Professor Duffy, amazing book." "Read all of it." "Anyway, on, uh, on page one of your book, you said that," ""American history is always evolving."" "And then, um, quite a bit further on page one," "you said that the Constitution is a constant." "How do you reconcile those ideas?" "Well," "I think on page two" "I explain that that was the paradox of American history." "And then I spent the next 1,000 or so pages exploring it." "And explore it you did." "I, for one, want to thank you for taking me on that journey." "Oh, I..." "Actually, I have a follow-up question." "Uh, and this one is really, uh, more about your process." "Um, do you..." "Do you write at home, or, like, at Starbucks?" "I'll take my answer sitting down." "The university is kind enough to lend me an office" "in a building that's named after me." "Okay, and we are back." "I think, uh, Lucy has another question." "Yes." "You claim that Eurasia's latitudinal geography accounts for their greater population density." "That's really more of a statement than a question." "My question is, weren't cultural and social differences also a factor?" "(STAMMERING) I was gonna ask that question!" "I have it right here." "Professor Duffy, look." "Excellent question, but I would contend that social and cultural differences are ultimately a product of geography." "(LAUGHS)" "Time to bring out the big guns." "Professor Duffy," "I have another question." "Oh, dear God." "I noticed that your book was copyrighted in 2002," "2003, and 2005." "What went wrong in '04?" "Ok, I think that's enough of the questions." "Uh, this might be a great time..." "Who would like to hear Professor Duffy read from the chapter on the Homestead Act?" "Huh?" "Okay, excuse me." "May I see you in Music, Art, and Dance, please?" "(DUFFY READING)" "What?" "Are you out of your mind?" "What are you doing?" "I came here to hear Marshall Duffy speak about my new favorite book." "Oh, really?" "What's it called?" "(SIGHS)" "Big Boring Book." "Uh-huh." "And maybe you can tell me why you're showing your melons like we're at a farmer's market." "Oh." "So you noticed." "I'm surprised you could take your eyes off your new girlfriend." "What?" ""Oh, do you like that book?" "I love that book."" "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Oh, I love that book."" "(IMITATING KISSING)" ""Yes!" "Yes!"" "(STAMMERING) Oh, now, wait a minute." "You're mad at me?" "Yes, I'm mad at you." "About Lucy?" "You're the one who made me call her." "You're the one who gave her the pen." "You're the one who said it wouldn't bite me in the ass, and now I'm missing a big old hairy chunk!" "I'm sorry." "I'm jealous, okay?" "There, I said it." "I'm jealous." "Well, jealous of what?" "What?" "Joy, we're not even doing anything here?" "It's not about that stuff, Eddie." "It's about the way that your eyes light up when you talk about history with her." "We never connected over intellectual stuff." "We mostly just bonded over these." "Well, what's wrong about bonding over those?" "I love bonding over those." "As a matter of fact, when you were asleep last night," "I bonded over those." "But are these enough?" "I mean, what about these?" "Well, look." "Joy, I love what's in your sweater, and I love what's up here, and I love when we do this." "I didn't know you were interested." "You want to bond over the book, we can bond over the book." "No, I don't want to bond over the book." "I hate the stupid book." "(STAMMERING) Not your book." "No, it's..." "This book right here." "Charles..." "Charles Dickens sucks." "Where does this leave us, huh?" "Well, I guess we're not dead inside." "Well, I guess we're not." "That's a good thing, right?" "Yeah, that's a good thing." "So what do you want me to do?" "I say you toss that history hussy's phone number away, and let's go home and bond over these while I'm still awake." "All right." "Hey, hey, hey, wait." "Could we just wait until he's done with the Homestead Act chapter?" "This part kind of gets me a little fired up." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "Okay." "Honey, slow down." "Just tell me what happened." "You're glued into your office again?" "Oh, my God." "Did you do magic for the guys?" "I begged you not to do that." "Tell me you didn't wear your cape." "I'm sorry, cloak." "You wore it to the cafeteria?" "Okay, Babe, okay." "Don't freak out." "If you freak out, the rabbit will freak out." "I'll be right there." "NEWSCASTER ON TV:" "A 9-year-old metro girl has a new lease on life thanks to surgery at the Hospital for Sick Children..." "Ow!" "What are you doing?" "What do you mean, what am I doing?" "I'm playing footsie." "Okay, footsie would imply something cute and playful." "You're sawing through my Achilles tendon with your big toenail." "Well, it's fun." "It's frisky and..." "Might I even say, a little naughty." "Okay." "No offense, but if you're trying to get things started here, your feet probably shouldn't be playing a role." "I mean, you want me thinking about sex, right?" "Not, "How do I escape this razor-clawed creature from the forest?"" "All right." "It's just that, you know..." "It's been a few weeks, and..." "What?" "No." "No." "What about the day that I came home from the market after discovering that they now make sloppy joes in a squirt bottle?" "That led to some pretty hot action." "Yeah, but that was..." "That was like a month ago." "It was?" "Yeah." "Listen, trust me, I don't quickly forget the day where I have sex with you, plus squeezable meat." "I'm going to say thank you, although I'm not sure why." "All right, let's do this." "(SNEEZES)" "Excuse me." "What was that?" "What?" "It's nothing." "I'm just working on a little cold, that's all." "Yeah." "Okay." "Look..." "See..." "Here's the thing." "I'm doing this risk-reward analysis in my head, and I don't know." "I mean, already I'm picturing it's me having sex with, like, 1,000 of those tiny animated germ guys from the commercials, you know, with the helmets and the pickaxes, and I..." "I just..." "I think those guys are for foot fungus." "Yeah." "Well, either way, I'm out." "* All right!" "* Hey!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)" "EDDIE:" "Okay, from downtown for the win!" "Oh!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "(WHOOPS)" "Man, there is nothing more electric than high school girls' basketball." "We should probably keep it down." "I don't want Cofeld's wife coming down here and yelling at us like last time." "Oh, no worries." "She's not even here." "She's at a bridal shower for her sister's wedding." "Or, should I say, "civil union."" "What does that mean?" "It means Denise is marrying Janet." "Thanksgiving is about to get a whole lot easier for the only black guy in the family." "So, how does that work?" "Like, one of them has a bridal shower, and then the other one has, like, a bachelor party?" "Do gay people even have bachelor parties?" "I didn't have a bachelor party." "Question asked, question answered." "You didn't have a bachelor party?" "What happened?" "Nothing." "Just discussed it with Steph, and we decided I'm not really a bachelor-party kind of guy." "Hold on." "You mean, Steph told you you're not a bachelor-party kind of guy." "Every guy is a bachelor-party kind of guy." "It's a last taste of freedom before they cut off our cranberries and put them in a jar." "Yeah." "Mine was crazy." "We rented an RV." "And my brother got girls who knew gymnastics and stuff." "Mmm!" "(SCOFFS)" "You think that was crazy?" "I'm still wanted in the state of Delaware." "(ALL LAUGH)" "I made out with a dude." "Too bad those days are over." "I don't know." "We have someone here in our midst who never had a shot at a bachelor party." "What do you say we right some wrongs?" "Yeah, yeah." "I like what I'm hearing." "And I vote for an activity that includes naked girls." "Or Sea World." "I like my idea." "All right." "This is what we'll do." "We'll get a little dressed-up, we'll grab a few drinks, and there's three of us here, so we could split the limo." "There's four of us." "What?" "Oh!" "Right, yeah." "There's..." "There's four of us." "I wasn't counting myself." "So, what do you say?" "Saturday night we'll do Jeff's bachelor party." "Guys, can I point out one little flaw here?" "I'm not a bachelor." "I'm already married." "There's no way Steph would allow me to do this." "And that's exactly why you do it." "You have to stand up for yourself." "Your wife doesn't decide whether you're allowed to see other naked women." "Actually, I think she does." "If it's not in our vows, I'm pretty sure it was implied." "You know what?" "I give up." "Okay?" "Just forget it." "Forgot that I was talking to Mr. "I respect and love my wife" here." "It's really sad." "So sad." "Sad, sad, sad." "Oh, wait, wait, wait." "Okay, all right." "You guys want to throw me a bachelor party?" "Let's have a bachelor party." "All right." "I'm not gonna let my wife tell me what I can and can't do." "You know what?" "No." "You're not doing this." "Oh, you can't just say no!" "But we've discussed this." "You're not a bachelor-party guy." "No." "No, no, no." "You said I'm not a bachelor-party kind of guy." "And guess what?" "You don't get to decide whether or not I'm allowed to see other naked women." "Uh, I sure as hell do." "Yeah, I thought that sounded wrong." "Come on!" "Let me have a bachelor party." "Please?" "Okay, fine." "Have your post-wedding bachelor party." "Have a great time." "I will." "So, you're okay with it." "Hey, can I get you a snack?" "(COOING) I love you." "Okay, I'm heading out." "How's the cold?" "How's my little trooper doing?" "I think I'm dying." "Oh, this one with the humor!" "Fantastic." "Okay, look," "I got you a little pick-me-up." "And it's with aloe, so your face won't bleed anymore, okay?" "All right." "I gotta get going, get this thing over with." "Yeah, I'm sure you're dreading going out and meeting eight different women named Cinnamon." "Well, listen, tonight is for Jeff." "And I just don't want to disappoint the youngster." "Oh, please." "I heard you in the shower singing, Whoomp!" "There It Is." "All right, listen." "I know on the outside it probably looks like this is the most excited I've been in three years." "But on the inside, there is no place I would rather be than right next to you." "So, just say the word, and I won't go." "Don't go." "You're serious?" "No." "Go!" "Okey-dokey." "That's my gal!" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Gentlemen, here we are." "Flesh Gardens." "Breathe it in, boys." "That's the sweet smell of baby powder, chicken wings, and the exhaust of a 737 that just landed across the street." "This is great." "This is totally worth the constant, echoey silence that is now my marriage." "Okay." "You know what?" "Time to check the wife talk in the lobby, okay?" "And what do you say we lose the Indiana Jones hat?" "No, Eddie." "Eddie." "This?" "This is my party hat." "You would not believe the kind of action I've seen in this hat." "Uh-huh." "Did any of it involve running from a giant boulder?" "No!" "If you must know, I wore this hat..." "At the end of Casablanca when you had to get on that plane?" "Just forget it, okay?" "And don't mess with my party hat." "I haven't seen a naked lady besides my wife in 20 years." "Except on that dirty deck of cards" "I managed to save from childhood." "I'm extremely terrified right now." "10 bucks." "Okay, gentlemen." "No touching, groping, fondling of the dancers." "If you disrespect the ladies, you will be removed by me." "I believe that, my brother." "Come on." "Give me a little." "Come on." "All right." "I guess this isn't gonna happen." "Okay, let's..." "Let's go." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Gentlemen, wedding rings off." "(GRUNTS)" "All right." "You know what?" "Let's go sit down." "Anybody bring any singles?" "I didn't know what these gals expect in tips, so, I went to the bank and took out $700 in ones." "Yeah, I think you're good." "Okay, sit down." "Oh, hey!" "What's up, fellas?" "Hey, there he is!" "Hey!" "Hey, Cofeld." "Ooh!" "Let's get the party started!" "Mmm!" "Hey, guys!" "You brought your wife?" "(WHISPERS) Oh, yeah, man." "It turns out she's into this kind of stuff." "She's cool, man!" "She's cool!" "Oh, my God, Eddie." "That one looks just like your daughter." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, please, God, no." "(MOCK-CHEERFULLY) Come in!" "Hi, Joy." "Hey." "Jeff said you weren't feeling well, so I thought I'd pop over and see how you're doing." "Oh, that's nice." "Pretty bad, yeah." "Pretty contagious." "Doctor said a thing like this could just, you know, leap off of me and... (GROWLS)" "Attack anybody who's around me." "So..." "Oh!" "I'm not worried about me." "The most important thing is we get you healthy." "I have some great homeopathic remedies here." "Oh, no, no." "I'm good." "I was just about to take enough cold medicine to start a meth lab in my belly." "Yeah." "You could take what all the big pharmaceutical companies have trained you to take, or you could let nature heal you and put this stick up your nose." "As soothing as that sounds," "I'm not really the greatest sick person." "So, I hope that you'll forgive me for what I'm about to say." "Get out." "Okay." "I was just feeling a little bummed about Jeff's skeevy bachelor party and I thought I could come over here and take care of you." "But... (DOOR OPENS) Feel better." "Wait." "Come back." "You can't let this thing with Jeff bother you." "Why does he have to go to a strip club?" "We have a great sex life." "I'll do anything." "I mean, anything." "That's nice, honey." "But Jeff is just like Eddie." "He's a good guy." "But even good guys occasionally feel the need to go out and act like complete dumbasses." "Come on." "You've known Jeff a long time." "He must have done something like this before." "Well, one time he had too much sugar and said some pretty nasty things about Ronald Reagan in front of my grandpa." "The point is that at the end of the day, the worst thing that could happen is that Jeff gets called up on stage, a naked girl rides him like a horse, and they run off and start a new life together." "Kidding!" "I'm kidding." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "(SNEEZES)" "Bless you." "Thank you." "You know, I really wish you'd try some of this stuff." "I got this special tea from a Lakota Indian shaman." "It's good stuff." "Like, "not legal outside the Sioux nation" good." "It'll bend your head, man." "You get the tea going." "I'll put on Dark Side of the Moon." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "* She's my cherry pie" "* Cool drink of water..." "I just don't understand why anybody likes this." "I mean, this is not erotic." "It's a billion-dollar industry." "Somebody likes something." "This is my bachelor party, people." "Can we focus on the ladies?" "All right, thank you." "That was pleasant." "Now my hair's wet." "Eddie, it's just water." "What do you mean, it's just..." "My whole head is wet and I'm sitting under a vent." ""Knock, knock." "Who's there?"" ""Pneumonia!" "Come on in!"" "Here you go." "Get yourself some more comfortable shoes." "Excuse me, but I think there should be a posting or some kind of warning if there's gonna be water in your act." "So, it's your bachelor party." "Uh-huh." "When are you getting married?" "Oh, I actually got married six months ago." "This is like a do-over." "Isn't the whole point of a bachelor party to still be a bachelor?" "Could you switch places with the Little Bo Peep?" "She strikes me as less judgmental." "Hey there, handsome." "I'm not comfortable here." "I can tell." "Maybe you should take a little break and come with me to the Champagne Room." "Is there champagne there?" "There's anything you want there." "That sounds classy." "Excuse me!" "Laura?" "Laura?" "Oh, my God!" "Nicole!" "You two know each other?" "(GIGGLES) Yeah." "We did a Mommy  Me class together." "Okay, this isn't good." "So, how's little Michael?" "Oh, he's great." "How is your baby boy?" "Oh, not a baby anymore." "This is little Joshua and his grandfather taking a bath together." "Adorable!" "(GIGGLES)" "So, how did things work out with that breast pump?" "(MEN GROANING)" "Not so good." "You'll see in a minute." "Okay." "Uh, good night, everybody." "Come on, let's go." "We're leaving?" "Mmm-hmm." "I was just starting to enjoy this!" "Now, come on, honey." "We'll talk all about it in the minivan." "(WHISPERS) Call me." "Bye." "Thanks for bringing her by." "God, I love this tea." "It makes me feel unconquerable." "Yeah." "Hey, do you see that hawk on top of the TV?" "No." "Wait..." "No." "(BOTH SIGH)" "I gotta be honest, Steph." "It's a little surprising that someone like you would have" "(WHISPERING) tea like this!" "It's no big deal, really." "Just..." "After my freshman year at college," "I was hitchhiking through South Dakota when I met this Native American guy." "He was super hot." "Mmm." "Like, long, black hair, and really in shape, but not from the gym, just from, like, climbing stuff." "Anyway, we spent a pretty wild couple of weeks camping out, and before he left, he gave me these herbs." "It didn't work out, but every couple of months, I mail him 100 bucks and he sends me more in a hollowed-out teddy bear." "(SNIFFLES)" "Wow." "And to think when I first met you," "I thought you were a nitwit." "Yeah." "And I thought you were a real bitch." "You know what else?" "What?" "Check out this tattoo." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh!" "Jeff thinks it's the Native American symbol for serenity." "But it really means "John Thunderclaw."" "Oh, my God." "There goes the hawk." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "I'm actually starting to find stripping boring." "I've counted six girls dancing nude with nicotine patches." "Eddie, can you not talk about what's wrong with the strippers?" "I never want to hear again," "(DEEP VOICE) "Hey, look." "That one's balding."" "Oh!" "Oh, look!" "Something very naughty is happening with my hat!" "Yeah." "Maybe she can give it to her friend and cover the bald spot." "(CHAINS RATTLING)" "Oh, my God." "Stan, what happened?" "There's no champagne in the champagne room." "Only shame." "I'm gonna walk over to the airport to see if they have a 24-hour chapel." "Well, I guess we should call it a night, too." "What?" "Eddie, the night's just getting started!" "Hey, man!" "Hey, what about the bachelor party?" "(WHOOPS)" "Yeah, well, you know what, Jeff?" "I think this looked a lot better on paper." "Should have stayed home with the sick wife." "At least I know what diseases she has." "Do you realize what I went through with the wife to get this night?" "You understand how mad Steph is at me?" "You know, someone keyed my car, and I think it was her." "Yeah, well, you know what?" "I'm sorry about that." "But the night's over, and besides, my friends left." "Oh, right." "Right." "Your friends left." "Come on." "You know what I mean." "Yeah, yeah." "I think I do." "Let's just go." "Excuse me, miss?" "I'm sorry." "(STAMMERING) I love your act, but I was just on my way out, and I just needed to get my hat back." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Put those hands down!" "Sorry." "I was just trying to get my hat." "You need to try to get your ass out of here." "(STAMMERING) I would love to." "It's just, the..." "The other young lady with the tassels, she disappeared with my hat." "So, if you'd be so kind as to..." "Excuse me." "Can you just get my friend his hat back?" "I think it's time for both of you to leave." "You're a striking man." "Amazing arms like tree trunks." "Do you use those squishy, springy hand things to..." "I, uh..." "Eddie, we could go." "It's fine." "Okay." "You sure?" "Yeah." "Terrific." "Eddie, what are you doing?" "Hey, hey!" "Get down from there!" "Leave me alone." "Get back here!" "Leave me alone." "Party boy!" "Get back here!" "EDDIE:" "No!" "You're hurting me!" "BOUNCER:" "Get back here!" "(CHAINS RATTLING)" "Run, Woodcock!" "Run like the wind!" "You don't think it makes me look too tall?" "It's good!" "It's good!" "Okay." "All right, now listen." "Remember, our wives have probably spent the entire evening eating their cookie-dough ice cream and crying about what we've been doing tonight, all right?" "So, listen." "No matter what happens on the other side of this door, do not show the guilt." "Got it." "Okay." "I don't know what happened here, buddy." "(PATS JEFF'S BACK)" "But I think you're off the hook." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)" "Hey." "(SCATTING IN A WHISPER)" "Hello!" "Hey." "You're supposed to be spring-cleaning." "I found my old headphones." "Yeah, and the left side still works, except you have to hold the cord like this, or you get a pretty good shock." "Okay." "You know what?" "We agreed that you are not allowed to go through the throw-out pile." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come in." "Hey, guys." "Hey." "What's going on?" "Oh, we just wanted to see if you guys wanted to join us for an ice cream walk." "It's 10 degrees outside." "That's the best part." "By the time you get there, you don't even want ice cream." "It's just pure exercise." "Pure exercise?" "Get out of here!" "No, really, get out of here." "(LAUGHING)" "Listen." "I'm going out." "When I come back," "I want a throw-out pile bigger than me." "Oh, come on, that's not fair." "Do you have any idea how big you are?" "I could live in one of your pant legs, Sasquatch." "The woman has no idea that everything I save has a purpose." "Hey, what's this?" "Floppy disk!" "Oh, yeah, that's for my Commodore 64." "I'll tell you what." "Just stuff it in your pants until the heat's off." "Hey!" "An old roll of film!" "Who knows what could be on there?" "Yeah." "It's like a little time capsule." "Boy, I bet there's a lot of old memories on there." "Yeah." "I got enough memories." "Eddie!" "Wait, don't be silly." "You know, we're running errands later." "We'll just get it developed for you." "Uh-uh!" "Look, don't even worry about it." "Bet I know why." "Someone took naked pictures." "No." "The only naked picture Joy took of me is when she wanted to show my doctor something." "Yeah, Steph, people talk about taking naked pictures, but nobody actually does it." "Some people..." "Well, hello!" "You've taken naked pictures?" "With who?" "Honey, you know what happens when we go down this road." "You always end up in the shower, weeping." "That's not what always happens." "Whatever you say, honey." "Steph." "Hey, hey, this conversation isn't over!" "Can you believe her?" "What are you doing?" "Are you Googling my wife?" "Don't worry." "Nothing's coming up." "Wait a minute." "Nah, you're good." "* All right!" "* Hey!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "(KNOCKS)" "Hey, Eddie, I developed your pictures." "Ah." "Good for you." "Look at this." "I just washed my 27-year-old sneakers." "Smell that canvas." "Baby-fresh." "Sweet!" "(CHUCKLES)" "Well, if those clean sneakers get you excited, wait till you see these pictures." "Now, based on Joy's acid-washed jeans and your mullet," "I'm guessing 1986." "Ah, look at you holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa." "You never told me you guys went to Italy." "Give me that!" "You never saw these." "What?" "These don't exist!" "You understand?" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "Eddie, what the hell's going on?" "Listen." "There are certain mistakes you make in life, things that are so wrong, that you're so ashamed of, that the only thing you can do is bury the memory." "Bury it deep." "Is this about your mullet?" "Because I think you pulled it off." "That is not a mullet!" "That is a Dr. J in the front and a Michael Douglas in the back." ""Mullet."" "Well, then what happened in Italy that was so bad?" "What I did in Italy is the worst thing I have ever done." "Joy and I had been dating for a little over six months and we decided to take a trip." "Now, a lot of people will say that Italy has great food, beautiful art and breathtaking scenery." "What they don't tell you is, it's a foreign country." "It's like Mexico with pasta." "Plus, it didn't help that I hadn't moved my bowels in two weeks." "Anyway, everything came to a head when we went to catch our flight home." "We were rushing for the shuttle bus that would take us to our plane." "All of a sudden, I realized Joy wasn't behind me." "I finally spot her dawdling at a case full of this God-awful Murano glass." "It was like crack to her." "(INAUDIBLE) I frantically tried to get her attention, but by the time she snaps out of it, the bus to our plane is gone." "Well, I was furious." "(INAUDIBLE)" "And that's when I did it." "The thing I am most ashamed of." "(INAUDIBLE) I spanked Joy." "One swat on the butt, like she was a bratty little kid." "Two seconds later, another bus pulls up, and I realized what I had done." "(INAUDIBLE)" "We had a 19-hour journey home in complete silence." "We broke up five minutes after we landed, right there at baggage claim." "She didn't even stick around to see if my backpack made it." "And then, a few months later, we finally got back together." "But in 20 years, we never spoke of Italy again." "(EXCLAIMS IN ITALIAN)" "Yeah." "It was awful." "That's why it had to be repressed, because there was no forgiveness for what I did, only denial." "And we're gonna keep it that way." "You are not to say a word about this to anybody." "Not a soul." "As far as you know, these pictures do not exist." "God, my hair was magnificent." "Hey." "Hey." "So?" "How'd they like the pictures of Italy?" "Yeah, Steph, about those, I'm gonna need you to swear that you're never gonna mention those to Joy." "Ever." "Why can't I mention them to Joy?" "I can't tell you." "Of course you can!" "I'm your wife!" "Eddie knows that when he said not to tell anyone, that doesn't include me." "No, he specifically mentioned you." "All right, don't tell me." "But sooner or later, you are gonna have to tell..." "Senor Pinches!" "No..." "A-pinch!" "A-pinch!" "A-pinch, a-pinch a-pinchy, pinchy!" "No more Senor Pinches!" "I can't tell you." "How about if I guess?" "If I guess, will you tell me?" "No." "He smuggled drugs in his butt?" "I'm not playing." "Espionage?" "Spying?" "Spy killer?" "Did he kill a spy?" "No." "Did he hurt someone?" "He hurt someone?" "Did he hurt Joy?" "He really hurt Joy?" "(GASPS) Oh, God, he had an affair, didn't he?" "How did she find out about it?" "Did he give her some sort of weird '80s VD?" "No, Steph, he didn't have an affair." "It was nothing like that." "All right, look." "I'll tell you, but you got to promise that you're not gonna tell a soul." "All right?" "In Italy, Eddie spanked Joy." "Oh, my..." "Wait." "What?" "Spanked her." "Like, sexy spanking?" "We've done that!" "Remember Naughty Washer Woman?" "Puerto Rico?" "Wasn't me." "Oh, that's right." "Is that where these, uh, naked pictures were from?" "Huh?" "It's very warm down there, and I was drunk, like, the whole time..." "Okay, you know what?" "I don't think I want to hear any more." "Look." "Just promise me that you're never gonna mention Puerto Rico or Eddie and Joy's trip to Italy ever again, okay?" "Okay!" "Why do you have a picture of them on your mug?" "Oh, the guy at the photo shop asked me if I wanted one." "Steph, sometimes, when a man asks you something, it's okay to say no." "Hey!" "Whoa, whoa!" "What are you doing out here, darling?" "You don't want to be out at the trashcans." "You know those raccoons." "They'll peel your arm like a banana." "I'm throwing away the dog brushes and shampoos." "It's been seven years since Stanley ran away." "Face it." "He's not coming back." "Well, then I guess we can add hope to the list of things you're throwing out." "Anyway, our trashcans are full." "Why don't you throw it out over at the Woodcocks' over there?" "You don't think they'll mind?" "Oh, come on." "They won't even notice." "I've been stealing their firewood all winter." "Not a peep." "Is this us?" "Let me see it." "Oh, well." "Oops." "Guess we'll never know." "Look at you." "Skinny then, skinny now." "Hey, Steph, I'm home!" "They had a two-for-one special on canned tomatoes." "I got four cans!" "STEPH:" "I'm in here!" "Hey." "Are we getting new passports?" "Look, Jeff," "I know it bothers you that I've done certain things with other people, so I thought if I did all the things with you that I did with them, you'll feel better." "Really?" "Yeah." "So what do you say we take some pictures?" "Uh..." "Yeah!" "This is fantastic." "I thought the special on the tomatoes was gonna be the highlight of my day." "All right!" "Let's do this." "Take your clothes off." "What?" "We both get naked, set the timer, and make some memories." "Oh..." "Steph, I don't know." "I..." "You know, I had a chicken pot pie for lunch." "I feel puffy." "Don't worry!" "You look beautiful." "Oh, Steph, I don't know." "It's a little chilly, you know?" "All right." "I can see you're nervous." "Let's just take a couple of shots to loosen you up." "Okay." "That's it!" "You never done this professionally?" "No!" "(CHUCKLING)" "You could!" "Come on, give me a couple of buttons." "Show me something." "What if I ever want to run for office?" "Don't worry!" "These'll be very tasteful." "Drop your pants and roar like a tiger." "(FAUCET STOPS)" "So, you okay?" "Fine!" "Fine." "Super-fine!" "You don't seem like you're fine." "What do I seem like, Eddie?" "Huh?" "You know me so well." "What do I seem like?" "Fine." "Here, Joy, let me help you with that." "No, it's okay." "No, come on." "I want to do it." "Let me." "Okay." "I gotta be honest." "I have no idea where this thing goes." "Right, now, see, that's why I think you're a little not-fine." "Okay." "You know what?" "I cannot believe that this stupid thing has come up again." "It was 20 years ago." "And I know that it shouldn't matter." "(SIGHS)" "Let's just..." "Let's just forget the whole thing ever happened." "Okay?" "Can we do that?" "Can we just make some dinner, and we just won't think about it?" "Done." "It's..." "It's gone." "We will never think about it again." "Okay?" "(SIGHING) Okay." "Okay." "All right." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Yeah?" "Hey!" "It's the big guy!" "Come on in, my friend." "What happened to you?" "What didn't happen to me?" "You know what I'm saying?" "I don't think I want to know." "Let me tell you, it's bad over there tonight, Jeffrey, okay?" "Joy found your mug." "And the T-shirt." "And this mouse pad!" "What's she doing rooting around my trash?" "You know, I bet she's the one stealing our firewood." "Well, it's bad." "Let me tell you, it's bad over there." "She won't even talk to me about it." "She won't even fight with me about it." "She says everything is fine, but it's not fine." "It's the opposite of fine." "At least if I was an alcoholic," "I'd have my own support group." "But us spankers?" "We got nothing!" "Gee, Eddie, I'm sorry." "Can I get you something?" "Hey, you want to try my sauce?" "It's the real deal." "I want to get my wife back." "Can your sauce get my wife back?" "Can your sauce make this Italy thing go away?" "It's not magic sauce." "Hey, but maybe this'll help." "You know what Steph and I have been doing for the past three hours?" "Huh?" "We have been taking naked pictures of each other." "Maybe you should do the same thing." "Look, Joy's already mad at me enough." "If I take pictures of you guys... (GROANS)" "What I mean is, me and Steph took a negative experience from our past that bothered us..." "Well, me, and we turned it into a positive one." "Now, look." "Maybe you can't go back to Italy, but you can do something here." "You know?" "Use your imagination." "Think big." "Plan something great." "But whatever you do, take back Italy!" "Okay, here's the thing." "You're gonna have to repeat everything you just said, 'cause about 20 seconds ago, your robe shifted." "Okay, one more step, and..." "Ta-da!" "This is the big surprise?" "We're at a restaurant at dinnertime." "Let me guess:" "We're eating here!" "Yes, we are, and the big surprise is, they only take reservations." "And guess what I did." "I made a reservation." "That's right." "I made a call, and I sweet-talked my new friend Ramon, and he slipped us right in." "Hello." "Reservation for two, "Stark."" "Um..." "Nope." "I don't have a record for your reservation." "You got to be kidding me." ""Stark." As in barren, bleak." "Sorry." "What do you mean?" "I talked to the guy for one hour." "Is Ramon here?" "Can you please get Ramon?" "Ramon, our morning cleanup guy?" "Did it sound like he had been drinking?" "Okay, you know what?" "I have a PowerBar in the glove compartment." "I will meet you in the car." "No, no, no, no." "No." "No." "We are eating here." "Now, now, listen." "I have a lot of surprises coming here tonight, okay?" "So we have to make this happen." "Now, I don't carry cash when I come downtown, but how about a free yogurt with your choice of topping and a wallet-sized photo of Jessica Alba?" "Huh?" "There may be a cancellation later." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Will you do your best?" "I would appreciate..." "Let's go." "We'll just go wait over here, huh?" "Thank you." "That's good." "All right." "Let's see." "Excuse me." "What's your name?" "John." "John, party of three?" "Two." "I think they just called your name." "Okay." "Joy?" "Just sit right on down right there, huh?" "Isn't this great?" "Oh, I've got a sticky stool." "Excuse me." "How much for the entire basket?" "$400." "Wow!" "Okay." "Just give me the one, please, and put that on my bill, will you?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "For my bella donna." "Thanks." "Yeah." "I guess I'll just hold this the rest of the night." "The rest of this special night." "Huh?" "(STAMMERING) Okay, stay right here, do not go anywhere." "Hello, fellas." "Listen." "We ran into a little bit of a glitch." "So we're gonna be a little later than we thought." "Why don't you wait outside, huh?" "It's really cold out there." "All right." "Well, why don't you start playing something while we wait, huh?" "It's awfully crowded in here." "What do you want me to do, rent you a hall?" "Get fiddling." "(VIOLIN PLAYING)" "(STAMMERING) Wait." "What is that?" "Is that beautiful music to teleport us back to the old country?" "No, I believe that's Devil Went Down to Georgia." "Eddie, what is going on here?" "What is going on here?" "I'm gonna tell you what is going on here." "Please." "Tonight, we are going to rewrite that fateful trip that happened 20 years ago." "(GROANING) We're gonna take the bad memories, and we're gonna replace them with good ones." "Tonight, we're gonna take back Italy." "Okay." "Did you not hear me when I told you that I wanted to forget this whole humiliating thing ever happened?" "No, I heard you, but I ignored you." "You see, because we can't..." "We can't bury this anymore, 'cause just when you think it's gone away, it comes back, like that weird rash I get around my undergroin." "What can I do?" "You know what?" "I don't know, Eddie." "I don't think there's anything you can do." "You can't unspank me." "Well..." "Well, then, spank me!" "Spank me, Joy!" "Spank me like I stole money from Mommy's purse!" "Okay, you know what?" "Believe it or not, Eddie, this is not less humiliating for me." "Well, how are we gonna get past this, huh?" "If this thing is still so horrible to you, then why did you even take me back in the first place?" "I don't know!" "Because you were crying, and you were begging, and you had never done that before." "Well, you walked away, and you had never done that before." "Maybe I saw what a jerk you were and I realized I could do better!" "Well, maybe I realized I couldn't!" "Look, that spank changed everything." "I thought I lost you." "And for the first time in my life," "I realized how much you meant to me and how much I would fight to get you back." "What more do you want, lady?" "So you've been suffering with this for 20 years?" "I've been miserable." "Crushed by guilt?" "Yes." "God, that pleases me!" "Come here, baby." "Mmm." "So that's it?" "We're good?" "(INHALES SLOWLY)" "Now we're good." "(VIOLINS PLAYING)" "Hey, who was that guy?" "I don't know." "Looks like someone I used to work with." "Well, well, well." "Hello there, young master Jeffrey." "Where on Earth are your pants?" "This is gonna look great on a baseball cap." "I think for those pairs who getting married is whenever you wanna do something alone you always have to do it together." "Way too much work!" "Wives can be scary ones you... they get angry." "I'd like to marry girl that's skinny." "Til Death Season 1 Episode 17 The Clay Date" "Phone!" "We're not here!" "Don't answer that!" "What if it's an emergency?" "Who would call us in an emergency?" "You're panicky, and I'm too big to fit in small spaces." "Hey, I just tried calling you guys." "Why didn't you pick up?" "Because we didn't want to talk to anyone, but, boy, is that dream dead." "What are you, uh- you guys going on vacation?" "Guess you found someone else to pick up your mail, huh?" "Oh, pull yourself together." "We're just gonna go visit Allison at college for parents' weekend." "Yes, and instead of a hotel," "Eddie has opted for us to stay in the spa like setting of the dorms." "Yay." "Well, anyway, I was wondering if, uh, you guys knew a good tile guy." "Anytime I try doing home improvements around the house," "Steph turns into a, um." " sort of a..." " bitch." "Your word." "But, uh, you know, it's big fights and hurt feelings, so this time, I just wanna stay out of it, you know, hire someone to use as a human shield." "I got a guy." "Does he, uh, charge a flat rate or hourly?" "You know what?" "I don't really remem..." "Sorry, Joy." "Excuse me." "Hello." "Get out of my house!" "What's wrong with you?" "That bathroom is barbaric." "You think they would at least buy some shower curtains." "And one of the other visiting dads was being very thorough with his undercarriage." "What are you doing on my bunk?" "I called bottom." "And I called hotel." "But you know, we used to do some pretty fun things in a single." "Come here, birdie." "Come on." "Get back there." "All right." "Let me in." "Careful of the fellas." "How do inmates do this?" "Well, I'm guessing to them, it's really not about the spooning." "Hey, guys." "If you're about to do it, you should put a sock on the doorknob." "Paul Nash, single dad, recently divorced." "I'm, uh, your suite mate." "I'm, uh, round over there." "Don't worry." "I don't smoke." "At least, not cigarettes." "Mom." "Dad." "Girl on the floor!" "Here she is." "Paul Nash, single dad." "Recently divorced." "I'm rooming' with your folks." "What a treat for them." "You bet it is." "I'm thinkin' about gettin' a keg." "Uh, quarter keg?" "Six-pack?" "Anyone?" "All right, I'm gonna get a tall one for myself." "I hate streaking' sober." "So parents' weekend, huh?" "Let's check out the schedule." "Let's see." "The student union is handing out free condoms." "Wonder how much of my tuition is going to that?" "Don't worry, dad." "I'm not having sex." "Of course you're not, honey." "She's lying." "Actually, if you guys aren't tempted to chug beers with Paul Nash, single dad, you should come to a show for my pottery class." "I didn't know you were taking pottery." "Yeah, well, I kinda had to." "It's a prerequisite for my major." "What major?" "Ceramic studies." "Really?" "Yeah." "Listen, I said I'd help set up for the show, so I gotta run, but I'll see you guys there?" " We'll be there." " Absolutely." "Looking forward to it." "So excited." "What the hell is going on here?" "I know." "I think she's having sex." "Eddie, we're on a college campus." "Everyone here is having sex but us." "We've got a bigger problem." "Allison just announced that she is majoring in dishware." "Aw, relax." "It's just a college major." "A college maj- what kind of a job is Allison gonna get with a degree in ceramic studies?" "I don't know." "Maybe you should ask a gentleman who started a little business called pottery barn." "Why should you lay the tile that way?" "How 'bout because I said so?" "Aw, this is worth every penny." "All respect, just because you're sayin' it doesn't mean it makes sense." "I may not know how to lay tile, but I know how to look at tile, and I have a vision of how I want this tile to look." "I wanna talk to the mister." " Jeff." " Hey, honey." "Oh, how's the project- I'll see for myself." "Well, Hector, here's the mister." "Hector here seems to have a problem with how I want the tile laid." "She's not gonna like the way it looks." "Ok, you're not in my head." "You don't know how I feel." "You're not my psychiatrist." "Do I see you every Thursday at noon?" "No." "That's Dr. Silverman." "You're Hector." "Trust me, Hector, you don't wanna be her psychiatrist." "No." "I don't know how I can be any clearer." "I want these chickens up to that line." "The chickens that are gonna be on my walls in my bathroom," "Not yours, Hector." "Well, it looks like you two can work this out." "I can't work it out." "I hate him." "Listen, to do what she wants," "I would have to cut the tile in half" "Let me stop you, Hector." "See, you seem like you know what you're doing, and I'm guessing you know more about this than my wife, but see, the thing is," "I don't sleep with you." "Ok?" "I sleep with her." "Ok?" "So you're gonna lay the tile exactly the way she wants it, and then when she changes her mind for no apparent reason, you're gonna lay it again." "'Cause the truth is, Hector, I didn't hire you to lay tile." "I hired you to be my fall guy, so all the anger my wife has about this project, it's gonna leave here with you, Ok?" "Why don't you, uh, buy yourself some new overalls." "You know, you're only Ok with this because it is Allison." "When my aunt Joan did that thing with the beads, you called her a moron right to her face." "That's just a technical term." "Medically speaking, your aunt Joan is a moron." "A- and, yes, I do support our daughter, because my little girl is so talented that- that she could do anything she sets her mind to." "Why is her name on that thing?" "Allison Stark." "Mug." "It looks like a big piece of pooh." "It does." "Someone should tell her." "Why don't we just write, "this sucks," on the card and sneak out of here?" " We can't do that." " Hey, guys." "Hey, darling." "Hey, there's our little cerami... tologist." "Did you guys see my piece?" "We did." "We did." "It's a mug." "It's ironic, right?" "I wanted to deconstruct the idea of a mug in modern-day suburban life." "It's a political commentary." "Fantastic." "Uh, I'm-I'm curious." "How would-how would you drink out of this?" "Well, you wouldn't." "That's the point." "So it's a mug that's not for drinking." "It's a looking mug." "Fantastic." "So what you guys think?" "Uh, uh, well, I'm your mom, so I'm biased." "Eddie." "Yeah, dad." "Doesn't matter what I think." "What do the professionals think, huh?" "Is there- is there a teacher here, or do they just put you in a room and let you throw the mud around?" "Yeah." "There's Doug." "He's our T.A." "Doug, come meet my parents." " Hey, there's the expert." " Hi, Doug." "How are you, Doug?" "Let me ask you- explain it to us in layman's terms." "Um, is this a good mug?" "Is it a mug at all?" "I think her mug is brilliant, and I think Allison is brilliant." "You know, I haven't told you guys my real news." "Oh, god." "There's real news." "I'm taking the next semester off to live in a barn in Vermont and work with the people's collective pottery outreach program of greater New England." "With Doug." "Fantastic." "Allison cannot take a semester off!" "You know what I did with my semester off?" "I got married and I got pregnant and I never went back!" "And" " And I couldn't be happier!" "I blame that boy..." "Doug." "I hate Doug, and his pottery, and his shaggy hair, and his... penis." "Oh, oh, wow, dude!" "You didn't respect us!" "You've got your own room!" "But the party got started out here!" "Oh, God!" "I think they're doing it on my purse!" "I saw a lot of backfat!" "We've got to do something about Allison!" "But she is so stubborn!" "If we tell her "No", she is gonna wanna do it more." "I don't know, I used to love her strong will." "Now it's our enemy." "Here- here's what we do!" "We have to pretend that we are really into this pottery thing, but there is something that we have no control over that is standing in our way like, um..." "Ugh, it- it turns out that that clay is made out of human romance!" "Clay is people!" "That's insane!" "The money!" "The money!" "It's about the money!" "If she takes the semester off, she'll lose our financial aid!" "Oh, so good!" "That is so good!" "She can't afford to drop out because we don't have the money!" "I mean even combined our salaries are pathetic!" "Yeah, yeah!" "And it's only going to get worse in your factoring inflation and we are in big trouble!" "Oh, what a relief!" "Can you believe that Hector guy?" "What a jerk!" "Yeah, I know!" " Thanks for getting my back today, honey!" " Sure..." "I mean, come on, who cuts tile?" "I wanted to cut the tile!" "Hector said not to cut it." "Yeah, I gotta, that's what I meant, I mean who doesn't cut tile?" "Do you even know what happened in the bathroom today?" "I know you're my wife and I took your side." "And you're very beautiful!" "Did you support me because I'm your wife or because you understand the argument and agree with me?" " What are my choices again?" " Jeff!" "No-no-no." "No fighting!" "No fighting!" "This is what I paid Hector for!" " What's that supposed to mean?" " Nothing!" "It's just..." "Steph, come on!" "I mean usually when there's stuff to do around the house," "I wind up doing it and you wind up getting mad at me!" "But that's we have Hector for now." "So we can both be happy!" "No." "So, now, I'm the problem?" "I'm some lunatic who yells and screams?" "Nooo!" "And that's why you had to hire somebody:" "to take the heat?" "The reason I yell is that you and Hector do things wrong!" "Ok, all right, all right!" "You know, I did not wanna have this fight, but we're having it now!" "So let's go!" "You think everyone's wrong but you?" "Why don't you come here for one second?" "Just one second..." "Hmm!" "You had had to cut the chickens' heads off." "Ok, that is a slotter house in here!" "Who puts chickens in the bathroom?" "!" "In the kitchen maybe, but even then with their heads on!" " Oh, my God!" "You're right!" "This was... awful!" " Ah, that'll be alright, honey!" "No, it won't!" "Why didn't you stop me?" "You know how important those tiles were to me!" "I can't believe you!" "Wow..." "You just close your eyes and feel it." " Morning!" "Yeah!" "Hey, what you're making there:" "a little teapot, short and stout?" "You guys ready for brunch?" "Thanks for inviting me alone:" "we starving are as can never turn out a free meal!" "That's music to your father's ears!" "We're just so excited about this Vermont thing!" "And we're so sorry it's not gonna work out!" "What're you talking about?" "Well, you know, your mother and I were up all night talking about what a great opportunity living in a barn is!" "God, it's just such a great idea!" "We are so supportive!" "Yeah." "There's just a little snag with the money!" "You see, the thing is we're poor." "And if you'll drop a semester, you could lose your financial aid." "We're so sorry, but we're so supportive!" "Mom, don't stress, I'll get student loans!" "Doug told me how!" "Yeah, I owe 50 grand in the whole and I'll graduate till I'm 30." "But, the year spend Guatemala was worth it!" "A master the native art of guard puppets!" " Well, while your dad and I would love for you two going to debt." " It's people!" "Clay is people!" "What he's trying to say, is that we don't..." "Honey, look, this is a bad mug!" "I'm sorry, but you made better stuff at Cape Capawony!" "You're not doing this!" "Do you have any idea what we sacrificed to save up for your college education?" "You're mother owns no cashmere, she had to stop at Marina Wall and it's always her, she's never good diver!" "I get where're you coming from, Eddie!" "I do!" "My parents... they had the same reaction when I told them that I was pursuing a career in the potting arts!" "Potting arts?" "Man, I'd like to punch you right in the purse!" "All right!" "Look!" "This is not a career!" "It's a hobby!" "It's like sudoku." "You know major in sudoku, it's a miner, it best!" "Allison, you're better than this!" "You're smarter than this!" "Come on, anyone can do it!" "Oh, really!" "I'd like to see you try it!" "Ok!" "Fine, fine!" "Ok!" "Look, look!" "Hey, look at this!" "Huh!" "It's a candy dish, it doesn't hold any candy!" "You see, it's not political!" "It's... poo!" "Oh, really!" "You know what?" "Maybe I'm good at this!" "And maybe I'm old enough to make my own decisions!" "I'm going to Vermont!" "That's actually quite good!" "Shot tunnel over!" "You can't go by without taking a shot!" "Hey, listen, we just had a fight with our daughter, so we're not in the mood." "Oh, I'm a father." "I know how hard that is!" "Double toast!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "Shot!" "You know what?" "Your breath is stinging my eyeballs!" "Give me that." "Here.." "What is that?" "A lighter fluid?" "Yegermaister, Goldshlugger and Tequila!" "I call it "Yegershlugerilla"!" "And you can't still announce that you haven't had enough!" "Ok!" "Now I've had enough!" "Take it all!" "Why is Allison doing this?" "I mean how could such a smart girl make such a stupid choice?" "!" "She is throwing her life away and there is nothing we can do about it!" "I know!" "I don't know why is she going through this!" "I mean we never made bad choices!" " How about another shot?" " Absolutely yes!" "You know why don't we split wine?" "I don't want end up holding your hair in the ladies' room all night like that time at the little river band concert!" "Oh, God, you remember that night?" "!" "Yeah!" "You didn't even know me and you walked up to me because I was the tallest guy there, so you could sit on my shoulder and flush the drummer!" "I was underage, I was climbing a strange giant..." "and lifting up my top." "Ok, that might have been a stupid choice..." "Yeah... but, God, I was cool!" "I've made the stupid choice that like too." "I skipped the final and flacked the class, just so I could go to that concert." "But if you hadn't, you wouldn't met me!" "That's true!" "So basically... our stupid decisions led us to our life together." "I guess, they did!" "I'm ok!" "So what your mother and I are saying, honey, is follow your heart and do what you need to do!" "I mean if it weren't for some weird choices we made when we were at your age, we never would have met, we wouldn't have our life we have together!" "So..." "I can end up just like you?" "You bet you could!" "Aaahh, wow!" "Huh!" "Well, you guys leaving already?" "Ok!" "Stay as you are!" "And I will always remember you!" "Dauber and kitten - my bud's!" "When did he give us nicknames?" "About 4:30 in the morning." "You slept right through it." "Hardly enough, I'm kitten." "You know, I think Hector did a good job fixing these tiles!" "You hardly can see cracks in the chickens' necks, right?" "Don't see them at all!" " Well, it's ok that it goes past the mirror, right?" " Yeah, looks amazing!" "Well, you said chickens are more for the kitchen." "Do you think we should move them to the kitchen?" "No, I do not!" "Sorry, I'm so crazy about this whole thing!" "I guess I get a little nuts when people challenge me!" "I think it's because someone else is doing all the work!" "Maybe if we get something together, I wouldn't become such a lunatic!" "I was thinking maybe we could sponge paint the dining room together!" "Ain't it a lot fun!" "I want to get married five times." "I wanna get married 'cause I want a bachelor party." "I'll get married as long as my wife is not in my business." "* All right!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "Okay, okay." "Mmm!" "Hey, Eddie, hey, man, what..." "Will you scratch my back?" "Uh..." "No." "Why not?" "Because guys don't scratch other guys' backs." "It crosses the line." "What line?" "The "my fingers touching your body" line." "Come on, man, there's nobody here." "Nobody'll see." "Just right here." "Well, I'll see." "And I'll know I did it, and I'm just not ready to deal with those kind of feelings." "(DOOR OPENS)" "What's up, fellas?" "Woodcock, would you scratch my back?" "I'd love to." "All right." "Mmm?" "Oh..." "Yeah?" "How's that working for you?" "Oh, yeah." "You want the double claw?" "Oh, please." "JEFF:" "Yeah?" "Whoo!" "Okay, okay, you got it!" "All right, okay, you got it!" "I'm good." "No means no." "You know what?" "I'm out of here." "What?" "Why?" "'Cause of him?" "I'll kick him out." "No, my six-year-old is graduating to yellow belt today." "You know, I thought karate would teach him discipline." "But all he wants to do is kick his brother in the ding-ding." "See you on Sunday?" "All right." "Think about where you wanna take the wives for dinner." "You got it." "You guys having dinner on Sunday night?" "Why don't you come over to my place?" "You know, I'll be honest." "He has a real problem with white people." "Come on." "Steph and I, we've been dying to have a dinner party since we moved in." "We could use our Brady Bunch placemats." "There's six of us, we could be all the kids." "Now how fun does that sound?" "Wow." "Ah, you jokester." "I'll see you Sunday." "Think of which Brady you want to eat off of." "I call Bobby!" "So, there I am." "I'm wearing only a poncho and some swim-fins, 60 miles from the nearest payphone." "The guy looks at me straight in the eye, and he screams, "Hibachi!"" "(STEPH LAUGHING)" "Hilarious, right?" "(LAUGHING CONTINUES)" "Hilarious." "My face hurts from laughing so much." "I just can't do it anymore." "I don't understand." "So the guy in the van was a pirate?" "Honey, honey, honey." "Shh!" "Please, we don't want Jeffrey to tell that whole thing again." "Oh!" "Has anybody seen that new documentary about the wild dogs of Antigua?" "Huh?" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, I'm sorry, is that real?" "Hey, I have an idea." "Have you guys heard of the book of questions?" "Oh, is that the fourth Harry Potter?" "No, that's the Goblet of Fire." "It's okay." "It's okay." "The book of questions is," ""An invitation for people to explore" ""the most fascinating of subjects..." "Themselves."" "Okay, if this party's about to get naked, I'm out." "Okay." "Hey, you, don't do that, look at me." "You're beautiful." "You got nothing to worry about." "The only thing getting exposed tonight are your innermost feelings." "Okay, now the first one is, if you could hear your lover's thoughts, would you want to?" "You know, I'm not feeling well." "Yeah..." "I..." "COFELD:" "What?" "I got..." "Where are you going?" "You can't leave." "I have a thing in my ear and my throat, dripping." "What's in your throat?" "I can't..." "We've gotta..." "Steph, stew..." "Fantastic." "Goodbye." "Hey, how's it going?" "Good, good." "Listen, Eddie and I feel really badly about ditching you at the Woodcock's last night." "That's okay, Joy." "We actually had a really good time." "Really?" "After you left, we really connected." "Now that's funny." "Hey, let me ask you something, and you can tell me if this is weird in any way." "Shoot." "We're gonna go mountain biking with Jeff and Steph, and I wanted to ask you first because I know they're your friends, and I didn't want to go behind your back." "Is that cool?" "Absolutely." "Go have fun." "We have no claim over them." "It's not like we're going steady." "They're free to play the field, sleep around." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Cheltenham Travel." "Oh, hey, Steph, what's up?" "Oh, sure." "Steph." "For you." "Really?" "Really." "Hey, girlfriend..." "Oh, yes, we did, too." "Yeah, it was kind of sexy seeing our husbands cry." "(LAUGHING)" "Eddie!" "Hey." "What you eating?" "Pop-Tart sandwich." "What is that?" "It's a Pop-Tart in the middle of two frosted Pop-Tarts." "It's the most magnificent thing I ever had in my life." "What's up with you?" "Well, I had a rather interesting day at work today." "Turns out that the Cofelds had a good time with the Woodcocks after we left." "Really?" "Mmm-hmm." "And they're going mountain biking together." "But the Woodcocks usually ask us to go mountain biking with them." "I know." "(BOTH WHOOPING)" "(LAUGHING)" "(SCATTING)" "Whoa!" "They finally have some new friends." "Maybe now they'll leave us alone." "Oh, God, do you know what this means?" "They're not going to be breathing down our necks anymore." "I can leave the lights on in the living room." "We can use the front door." "I could cook naked again!" "Or not." "Sorry." "Oh, this is fantastic!" "The only thing I'll have to endure is that 15-minute ride to school with Jeff and his adult contemporary mix tape." "Oh, God, I love you." "(MOANING)" "Okay." "You know what?" "On the counter, on the counter." "No, no, on the table, the table's larger." "No, the bed." "Okay, let's go to the bed." "Let's go to the bed." "Oh, God." "EDDIE:" "Wait a minute." "Oh, yeah." "(EXCLAIMS)" "If that itch is flaky, tuck in your shirt." "I got enough crap on my couch." "You want to order a pizza?" "Oh, no, I had a late lunch with Jeff today." "So you seem to be hanging out a lot lately, huh?" "Yeah, yeah, you know, he's really a good guy." "We have some great conversations." "He's very insightful." "Oh, I wouldn't know." "His voice usually triggers a humming sound in my head." "So, how is he?" "I haven't seen him in a while." "Is he all right?" "He's good, man." "He's good." "He just got a new haircut." "Oh?" "Yeah." "It's a little shorter than usual, but with his bone structure, he pulls it off." "Yeah, he's got those high cheekbones and pretty features like a China Doll." "What?" "Nothing." "(NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come in." "Where is he?" "I've been waiting out in the car for 15 minutes." "Come on, Jeffrey, we're late." "You can put your makeup on in the car." "I'm sorry." "You didn't get Jeff's message?" "He and Cofeld are working out in the mornings now." "So he doesn't need to car pool with you anymore." "Oh, that's good." "Great, Jeff and Cofeld working out together, huh?" "There's a shower I'm happy to skip." "All right, let's, uh, keep it PG, huh?" "(CATS IN THE CRADLE PLAYING)" "* The cat's in the cradle and the silver bell" "* Little Boy Blue and the man in the shoes" "* When you comin' home, Dan" "* I don't know, Dan" "* We'll get together, Dan, yeah" "* You know we'll have a good time, Dan *" "What are you doing?" "Staring into the Woodcocks' house?" "No." "No." "I mean, uh, it's weird." "They went out for yogurt, like, an hour ago, and they're not back." "Well, you don't miss them, do you?" "Miss them?" "No." "Oh, good, good." "Me neither, me neither." "It is odd though." "You know, they always used to ask us to go have yogurt with them." "And we usually say "no" because yogurt's gross." "But..." "It's still nice to be asked." "Am I right?" "Right." "I mean, you know, what does it take to..." "Oh, my God, I miss them so much." "Me, too." "What the hell is going on?" "I don't know." "I mean, the Woodcocks annoy us, right?" "Totally." "They're always up in our face." "It's just..." "I miss Jeff's smile." "How did this happen?" "You know what, the other night I actually tried to imagine his face, and I couldn't." "The closest I got was K.D. Lang." "You know what?" "You know what this is like?" "This is like this guy in high school that I never even looked twice at, and then he got a girlfriend, and I just had to have him." "And, of course, you know, he married her, and he got rich, and I missed out on what could've been a wonderful and exciting life." "I mean, not as good as this." "Hey, here they come." "Here they come." "Where?" "Oh, look at them walking in, still crazy from their yogurt high." "What are we gonna do?" "Let's call them." "It's a good idea." "Gonna call them on the phone, and see what... (EXHALES)" "I can't believe it." "I got butterflies." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Yes, Jeffrey Woodcock, please?" "Yeah, Eddie, it's me." "What's going on?" "Oh, hey, hi, uh, you know," "Joy and I were just wondering if you and your lovely wife wanna go out Saturday." "Maybe, uh, cocktails?" "Dinner?" "Or dancing?" "Please, don't say dancing." "Uh, yeah, let me, uh..." "Let me check with Steph." "It's Eddie." "They want to go out Saturday night." "We have the Cofelds Saturday." "So what do I tell them?" "Just tell them we have plans." "Uh, Eddie, we have plans." "Oh, okay." "They got plans." "Ask them what they're doing?" "I think that's a little forward." "Just ask them." "What are you, uh..." "What are you doing?" "Uh..." "They wanna know what we're doing." "Make something up." "You know I don't like to lie." "Okay, give me the phone, and I'll do it." "I'll lie about anything." "Oh." "I see." "Okay, maybe, um..." "Maybe some other time then." "Right." "They're going to Mexico." "What?" "Mexico?" "I panicked!" "This is why I don't like to lie." "I don't like sneaking around." "Look, I'm getting that nervous rash on my belly." "Jeff, trust me, this is the best way." "I've been through this kind of situation before." "In college, I was dating these two guys at the same time." "I felt horrible about it." "One of them was, like, intellectual and athletic and super sexual." "And the other one was, like, artistic and spiritual and..." "Super sexual." "Are you getting to a point?" "The point is, I felt so guilty about it," "I told them about each other." "They both got angry and broke up with me." "Had I not said anything, I would've been able to keep both lovers." "Okay, that story barely has anything to do with this." "It's unrelated, and it's hurtful." "Okay, I'll take the, uh, Milk Duds and the Red Vines." "And the Goobers." "And what, exactly, are Fudgey Friends?" "I don't know, sir." "Okay, I'll take two of those." "COFELD:" "Oh, my God, but I never knew they had dogs in Antigua." "I know." "Well, well, well, what have we here?" "Hello, Jeffrey, Stephanie." "Or should I say, "Buenos noches"?" "Well, isn't this a kick in the Chicklets?" "I told you they weren't going to Mexico." "Fool me once, shame on..." "What is it?" "Eddie, Eddie, look, I can explain..." "See, in college, I had these two lovers..." "Steph!" "I don't see what the problem is." "You guys said they were boring." "Oh, I did not say that." "Actually, last week, when I was telling you about my master's thesis, you said, "Boring,"" "and did this little dance with your hands." "That does kind of sound like you, kiddo." "Well, that doesn't justify you lying to us." "Does anybody hear my car alarm?" "Whoa, hey, come on, guys." "Don't leave." "Can I just say something out loud that we all know?" "You guys don't like us." "You're actually pretty mean to us most of the time." "Oh, that's crazy." "No, it's not." "When we call to ask you out, you don't pick up." "We know you're home." "We've seen you through the window cooking naked." "Okay, look, so we lied to you." "So we wanted to spend an evening with the Cofelds alone." "You know, we actually made friends who enjoy spending time with us, who make an effort to get know us, you know, and connect with us on a pretty deep level." "We can be deep." "Can't we, honey?" "Deep?" "Freakin' "A" right deep." "No, the point is we actually enjoy each other's company." "And you wouldn't have wanted to come to this movie anyway." "When I mentioned this documentary, you laughed at me." "I wasn't laughing at you." "It's just..." "I like being around you guys so much, that I--I--I get nervous, so I giggle." "Eddie, hey, come on, man, we're different people with different interests." "You know, we're not a great fit." "It's okay." "I..." "That is not true." "We are interested in the same stuff you're interested in." "Look, I'll tell you what." "Let's go out tomorrow and pick whatever you want to do, and we'll do it, too." "It's Sunday." "We're going to church." "Are you serious?" "(ORGAN PLAYING)" "Well, I..." "Think it's fair to say we're slightly over-dressed." "We look like Mr. and Mrs. Matlock." "Well, do you see them?" "There." "Right there." "Hello, good morning, uh, yes, party of two." "And we would love something down front." "I'm sorry." "The only remaining seats are in the back." "All right, I get how this works." "Thank you." "That's very generous." "Hey." "What just happened to my five?" "Let's just sit down." "Jeffrey!" "Jeff!" "Steph!" "They can't hear us." "We can't compete with that crazy organ." "Good morning." "Before we begin, why don't we take this opportunity to turn to our neighbors and let them know how happy we are to celebrate with them today." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I have no peripheral vision in my, um, hat." "Your friendship is a blessing." "You're my dog." "Look at that." "They're practically making out." "I should be the meat in that man sandwich." "In today's gospel, we'll be reminded that Jesus often spent time with society's outcasts." "Prostitutes, lepers, people unwanted by others but accepted totally by him." "Which raises the question, is there someone in your life whom you've rejected, without making the effort to find out the special traits" "God has bestowed on him?" "There's someone in my life." "Eddie, that's a rhetorical question." "No, no, I have to do this." "Please forgive me, because I don't know all of your traditions, priest, as I am a Hebrew." "But one thing I do know is I have sinned." "I have refused to associate with the outcasts in my life." "Would you two please stand?" "Stand?" "Stand up." "Will you..." "No?" "Okay." "Good." "Jeff and Steph Woodcock are my leper and prostitute." "And until recently, my wife and I have taken their friendship for granted." "While at the same time, they have totally accepted who we are." "And God knows that that's not an easy thing." "So, Joy and I just want you both to know that we value your friendship and sincerely hope that you can forgive us for not accepting you in the same spirit as you have accepted us." "And we're sorry." "Come here." "(GRUNTS)" "Could we switch seats?" "I'm having a little moment with my friends here." "Could we..." "No?" "Okay." "All right." "Why don't you just stay put?" "Okay." "Um..." "And you, fantastic, with the..." "* Hey, hey" "* Ooh!" "Hey, man." "Hey." "You want me to scratch your back?" "Double claw me, but don't tell anyone." "(GRUNTING)" "Hey, how about you do me after?" "I want to have kids." "Lots and lots of kids." "And I don't need a husband to help do that." "I need a wife, because my mom says she ain't gonna clean my room forever." "I like this one girl Sara, but my mom says I can't marry her because she's my cousin." "* All right!" "* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "So, uh, you guys just invited us over for brunch?" "It's strangely friendly of you." "Well, we just wanted to thank you for that awesome cappuccino maker that you got us." "Cappuccino maker." "Mmm-hmm." "Oh, right." "Yeah." "You're welcome." "JOY:" "So great." "Now our kitchen looks just like the Williams Sonoma catalog." "Except for, you know, us." "Anyway, Eddie's gonna make us all cappuccinos." "I haven't really learned how to work the thing yet, but he's the master." "He's so good at stuff like that." "Well, that's true." "I do know how to push the right buttons, be it a cappuccino machine, a VCR, or the ladies." "All right, what can I get everybody?" "Mmm." "Do you serve soy milk?" "Soy milk?" "We're in America, sweetie." "We drink from cows." "Honey, actually, I picked some up for the brunch." "Oh, great!" "EDDIE:" "Oh, okay." "I'll have a soy cappuccino, and could you warm the milk before you whip it?" "Warm then whip." "Okay, I'll have a cappuccino, and if you could add an extra shot of espresso, that would be great." "Got that, extra espresso." "For me, I'm gonna have a half-cafe latte and use the cinnamon beans." "Cinnamon beans." "And dust it with nutmeg." "Ooh, ooh!" "Dust mine, too!" "But not too much dust." "Okay, everybody's gonna get dusted, all right?" "Just--Just..." "No more talking." "I have it all up here." "Please." "Eddie, could you make mine iced?" "(SHOUTING)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "All right, I'm gonna go shake my frittata." "That's right, you heard me." "Deal with it." "Why did you buy them a cappuccino maker?" "Those things are expensive." "For that kind of money, I could have had that thing removed." "Oh, no, no, no." "We didn't buy them one, we just gave them the one we had and never used." "We need the counter space." "Steph, that was a wedding gift from my mother." "Was it?" "You knew that." "What else are you giving away without my knowledge?" "My old Indian arrowhead collection?" "No, I did not get rid of your Indian arrowheads." "And for the record, every rock that's shaped like a triangle..." "It's not an arrowhead." "Okay, one down." "This is Steph's half soy frappa-cappa Ladysmith Black Mambazo." "Look at that." "It's so professional." "Your foamed milk looks..." "Yes, it's like an angel sneezed." "I know, I know." "Look, I'll tell you what." "Why don't you make the next one, and I'll go grab a bagel." "You know I don't know how to use that thing." "But I'm gonna learn." "I will." "Oh, okay." "Don't forget my nutmeg dust." "Okay." "JOY:" "All righty," "Steph, here is your cappuccino." "Mmm!" "Looks delicious." "Mmm." "It's got a nice little aftertaste." "Oh, that might be Cascade." "The dishwasher's on the fritz." "Maybe it's the bitterness of my mother's tears." "Oh, Joy," "I finally found out what that weird lady down the street is keeping in her trashcans." "No, wait, wait, wait!" "Wait, I want to hear this." "Is it cats?" "Is it a..." "Is it a pile of cats?" "(WHIRRING)" "No way!" "She does not!" "(COFFEE MACHINE WHIRRING) She does not what?" "What is it she doesn't do?" "(SHOUTS)" "Oh!" "Son of a mocha frappe latte!" "* Hey, hey" "Hey, Eddie, I wanted to thank you for brunch the other day, especially those cappuccinos." "They were delicious." "You must be loving that cappuccino maker, huh?" "It's making my life a living hell." "Really?" "Joy has me making these cappuccinos all the time." "She's like, "Oh, honey, can you make me a decaf bedtime cappy?"" "Or else it's, "Oh, I really gotta learn how to work that machine."" "But she never does, and she never will." "It's like she's playing me." "Sounds like you're running a Starkbucks." "'Cause Stark is my last name." "Your cleverness is exceeded only by your love affair with the sweater vest." "Hey." "Hey, there." "(SIGHS)" "I had such a crazy day at work today." "Could you make me a tiny little cappuccino?" "I know, I know." "I'm gonna learn how to use that thing." "You know what?" "We're gonna teach you right now." "What?" "Now?" "Yeah, we are." "But I'm tired." "Yeah, we're all tired." "Okay, this is what you do." "Very simple." "You take the water, you put it into the tank." "You fill it right up to there." "Okay, I'm lost." "You're lost?" "Yeah." "Where did I lose you?" "I don't know, the water, the tank." "Okay, okay, okay, it's easy." "You take the water." "You put it into the tank." "You do speak English, correct?" "Yeah, it's just a little confusing, that's all." "Confusing?" "Okay, let me put it in terms that you could understand." "Pretend that the tank is your belly, and the water is merlot." "Okay." "You put the water into the tank." "Got it." "Okay." "Then you close the lid like this." "Okay." "You're so good at this." "You're an amazing man." "Okay, then you press the button right here to prime." "To prime button." "Where are you, Joy?" "Close the lid." "No, we're-- we're way past the lid!" "The lid is closed!" "Then you take the espresso coffee, okay?" "You put it into the basket." "That's the basket?" "This is the basket, and you tamp it." "Tamp it." "You tamp it down." "Okay, then you put it right in here." "And you twist it." "You make sure it is tight." "You push this button." "And you start it." "Voila." "That's it." "Can I have that?" "Okay, look, you are a very bright college-educated woman." "I know you can make a cappuccino." "It's very easy." "Okay, it is water, prime, coffee, tamp, twist, button." "W-P-C-T-T-B." "Wapacitiba." "You got it?" "Wapacitiba." "Okay?" "Wa-pa-citi-bla." "I know your game, woman." "You see, you refuse to learn this because you don't want to have the skill because you don't want to do it." "So, you're gonna repeat after me, okay?" "It is water, prime, coffee, tamp, twist, button." "Wapacitiba!" "Wapacitiba!" "Wapacitiba!" "Okay, you know what?" "Fine!" "I could learn, but I don't feel like it." "Are you happy?" "No!" "No!" "I am not happy because I am physically and spiritually exhausted." "But the free ride is over, sister!" "What are you saying?" "You're refusing to make me cappuccinos?" "That's right!" "I am." "Starkbucks is closed." "Starkbucks?" "Stark!" "Starkbucks, that's right." "Ooh, good one." "It happens to be very clever." "I can't believe you won't do this one little thing for me." "If I made a list of everything that I do around here, it would go once around the equator." "Oh, don't threaten me with your travel agency fancy lingo." "Okay?" "Because I have a list, too, missy!" "Really?" "I'd like to see that list." "I would like to show you my list." "Okay, should we do it now or after I prepare dinner for us like I do every night!" "We're gonna see it after dinner because I don't want to do it on an empty stomach." "* Hey, hey" "You could just sign right here." "Sure." "What's wrong?" "Usually you're magic trick of the month puts you in a great mood." "Oh, no, it's not that." "I'm psyched as hell about my new Chinese Linking Rings." "It's just, actually," "I got a thing with my wife." "She gave away a gift my mother gave me without asking." "Wow." "Not cool." "No." "It is not, UPS Mitch." "It is not." "All right." "Well, I got, like, 400 packages to deliver, so..." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hey!" "What did we give you for a holiday tip last year?" "A tin of something brown." "I'm gonna say hard fudge." "Well, I am about to bump that up, my friend." "Oh, here we go." "Merry belated Christmas." "My wife, she loves this thing." "But I think it's just taking up space." "Wow!" "A crystal apple." "Uh-huh." "I've never been happier." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "What's up with you?" "(GASPS) Your new magic trick came, didn't it?" "I'll go sit on the couch." "Yep." "It came, but that's not why I'm so happy right now." "What's up?" "Look, I am sorry, sunshine, but I just gave away your precious crystal apple to UPS Mitch." "Bam!" "Jeff, you shouldn't have done that." "Why not?" "Why?" "Because it was something meaningful to you?" "Because it was given to you by someone that you love and care about deeply?" "Well, that is exactly how I felt about the cappuccino maker." "Now you know how I feel." "Jeff, I am truly sorry" "I gave away that gift from your mother." "But here's the thing." "That crystal apple was also a gift from your mother." "Remember when you got your first teaching job?" "Oh, that's starting to ring a bell, yeah." "Okay, things Joy does around the house." "One, cooks." "Two, cleans." "Three, pays the bills." "Four, does the laundry." "Five, buys all gifts." "Six, handles all federal, state, and local taxes." "Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Are we allowed to include government related activities?" "Because that was not made clear." "Seven, oversees handymen." "Eight, administers all your pills, injections, and ointments." "My list goes to 25." "Do you want me to take a break and you can read yours?" "Sounds great." "One, I take out the trash." "Okay." "Two, I grill." "Three, I make pancakes." "Four, I make blueberry pancakes." "That's all you got?" "Trash, the grilling, and the pancakes." "And the blueberry pancakes." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "And I also am in charge of a lot of intangibles that I didn't have time to put on the list." "Such as?" "I protect us from intruders." "And bears." "And strange people carrying religious pamphlets." "Okay, so, let me get this straight." "(CLEARS THROAT) While you are making the pancakes, in the back of your mind, you're also on the lookout" "for pamphlets and bears." "Do you really think it's a coincidence that there has never been a bear or a pamphlet in our house?" "That's" " That's all me, baby!" "You know what?" "You are the one who is getting the free ride." "No, I am not!" "I am your cappuccino, pamphlet, bear guy." "Okay, you know what?" "You know what?" "This is what we're gonna do, okay?" "I am gonna learn how to make cappuccinos." "And I am also going to protect us from all animals and all intruders." "And you are gonna take on one of the things that I do, okay?" "How about you're gonna do bills." "You know what?" "I would love to do the bills." "Great." "Because, you know, I keep hearing about these mysterious bills." "Oh, I can't go out tonight because I have to pay the bills." "Oh, I just cannot wait to see what these bills are all about." "Great." "Here you go." "Wait, we pay for water?" "Wapacitiba." "Ba." "What's ba?" "Button!" "(HISSING)" "Booya!" "How's it going with those bills, my prince?" "I am in an epic battle of good and evil with the gas companies of greater Philadelphia, Joy." "I am in the matrix!" "Oh, my God." "Didn't that burn?" "Not as much my throat, just my insides." "Hey, did you know that if you badger a customer service representative long enough he will actually drop the state usage fee?" "How much is that?" "$3 per fiscal quarter." "Hey." "I got three channels here." "They're all fuzzy." "Oh, yeah, I switched us over to satellite because the first month is free." "And then I'm gonna switch back to cable where the first month is free." "Cable, dish, cable, dish." "Boom, boom, boom." "Ping-pong of savings." "Eddie, you can't do that." "You're gonna get caught." "And if I do, I just change my middle initial." "(LAUGHING)" "The battle of Antietam was the single deadliest day in American history." "The rivers ran red with the blood of..." "WOMAN ON PHONE:" "Keystone Cellular." "This is Barbara." "May I help you?" "Yeah, hi." "Uh, uh..." "Just a second, please." "Kids, I have to take this call." "I've been on hold with this company for, like, 7 hours." "And I have to resolve this situation so I will be able to teach you at the high level of excellence that all of you deserve." "So, um..." "Heads down." "Uh, yeah, hi, Barbara." "It's Eddie again." "Yeah, uh, listen, I'm gonna need you to drop the international plan for my cell phone because I really have no use for Europe or its neighbors." "Yeah, yeah." "Can you" " Can you hold?" "I have another call coming in." "Hello?" "Hey, it's me." "Look, I have $200 worth of groceries here and my credit card has just been declined." "Oh, yeah, well, we don't work with that credit card company anymore." "I really didn't care for supervisor Gene Richmond's tone." "What am I supposed to do, Eddie?" "I have $700 in petty cash in the hamper under my dirty underwear." "Can't get it now, won't touch it ever." "I think that this is getting a little bit out of control, don't you?" "Listen, I'm in the middle of molding young minds here, so we're gonna have to deal with this later." "Okay, I'm gonna level with you, Barb, that was Verizon, and they want me bad." "So, you're-- you're just gonna have to start dancing." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "You wouldn't want to buy these for me, would you?" "I'll show you one of my boobs." "EDDIE:" "Joy?" "Joy?" "Eddie, stop." "I told you, if you can't do it without waking me up, we're not doing it." "No, it's not that." "This is very important." "I figured out a way to use our miles to pay our electric bill." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "It's" " It's 2:00 a.m." "Not in New Delhi, my dear." "Uh, hello, Mohandas." "What time is it there, please?" "It's already Friday?" "Well, TGIF, if you know what I'm saying." "You don't." "Oh." "Oh, okay." "(CLATTERING)" "I'll call you back." "Did you hear that?" "Yeah, I did." "Okay, you're up." "What?" "You're intruders." "Go see what the noise was." "You're actually gonna make me go down there and confront what could possibly be a murderer?" "Or a bear." "Either way, it's your job." "So, go check it out, and I'll crawl into your warm spot and make some more calls." "You are unbelievable." "(GROANS)" "(SCREAMING)" "Okay, I'm here in no official capacity." "But I heard you scream, and I just want to make sure everything was okay." "There is a squirrel in the house." "How the hell did a squirrel get into our house?" "Oh, come on, look." "He's just a cute little..." "Oh, God!" "He only has one eye!" "He's a fighter!" "Go!" "What are you doing?" "Get it!" "No, no, no." "You get it." "I already got us matching fleece pullovers for renewing Sports Illustrated." "All right, if you are not gonna get it," "I am gonna call animal control." "Oh!" "Careful!" "Go..." "There's no dial tone." "Yeah, we don't have a land line for about 24 hours." "What?" "We don't have a phone?" "No, no." "Because I switched our provider." "We're now with Magique." "And all you have to do is dial 1-684-39 pound before your calls." "They'll put you right in there." "You know what?" "I thought that by giving you the bills, you would realize how hard I work around here." "But it turns out I'm the one who has realized something." "I am married to an obsessive, anal-retentive maniac." "That's pretty harsh for a guy who just saved us a bundle on prepaid gas." "I can't make a phone call." "I can't buy groceries." "I can't get cash from an ATM." "Do you know what I had to do for lunch today?" "Steal a burrito." "I had to rob a mini-mart, Eddie!" "Effective immediately, I will do everything around here, you will do nothing!" "Got it?" "(GASPS)" "The only thing that you have to do right now is get that squirrel out of my house." "All right, just give me the shoe." "It's go time." "Get over..." "Stop it." "Okay!" "(EXCLAIMS) Got him right in the tail!" "All right, he's not pleased." "All right, he's coming at us with either a hot dog or a finger in his mouth." "Go!" "Move!" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "What the hell were you thinking?" "Huh." "We got it back, sweetie." "Would you look at that?" "You know what?" "I never should have given it away in the first place." "I'm really sorry." "Oh, no." "Look, baby, I overreacted." "It was just..." "You know, we were getting married, and my mother, the woman who bore me, took a day off from the bottling factory and took the bus downtown and dug deep into her heart and her bank account and bought us this." "Hey, what's this sticker on the back?" ""Thank you for trying out for Wheel of Fortune." ""Please enjoy this consolation prize."" "It's a re-gift." "That bitch."