"(THEME SONG PLAYING)" "Hey, Lisa from 3-B, care to join my study group?" "Why are you studying in the hall?" "So I can talk to girls." "(ELEVATOR DINGS)" "Knock yourself out." "You're pretty." "Back at you." "Hey, thank you." "Hey, Jack." "Please tell me you were just trying to get out of a traffic ticket." "Will you stop?" "I passed by the Gamma Epsilon fraternity." "There's a big party." "All the girls were there, so I pledged." "Yeah, but doesn't that make you feel, like, humiliated, man?" "Yes, it does." "I paid $200 for this dress." "I'm never going to get to wear it again." "(EXCLAIMS)" "(GROANS) College is easy." "So I guess this is where Eric and Jack study, huh?" "Study?" "Oh, my dear, sweet, little Cory." "Let me show you what college is all about, okay?" "Hi." "I'm Shawn Hunter." "Jennifer Crane from 3-B." "You guys live here?" "I do indeedy." "That's college talk." "So, how do you like Pennbrook?" "Oh, no, no." "Shawn doesn't go to..." "I love Pennbrook." "Old buildings, pretty girls." "So you're taking Introduction to Western Philosophy?" "(ELEVATOR DINGS)" "Yes, I am." "Another relationship starting off on a lie." "So, I'll see you in class tomorrow?" "Okay." "I'll save you a seat." "Would you look at that?" "First day of college, and I got me a girlfriend." "Now, who can tell me what's wrong with that sentence?" "I can." "I know, Miss Lawrence, but you're already 10 for 10." "Oh, why don't we try Mr. Matthews?" "Mmm, he won't know this one." "Mr. Matthews?" "She's 11 for 11." "You know, I'm not surprised that no one knows the answer to that question." "I do." "Many of you have forgotten the basics." "Now, this is alarming because you'll be entering college next fall..." "Mr. Hunter?" "Huh?" "Clipping coupons?" "Yep." "Odor-Eaters." "$2.49 for a dozen, and my Christmas shopping is done." "This is your senior year, your last chance, Mr. Hunter." "If you don't apply yourself now, how do you expect to make it in college?" "I don't." "(BELL RINGS)" "Uh, Mr. Feeny." "Listen, I'm worried about Shawn." "Isn't there anything you can do to help him?" "I've been trying for four years." "What more would you have me do, Mr. Matthews?" "Hi." "Major fraternity party Friday night." "I'm the head cheese at the fraternity, and I can't wait to see you all there." "Singles only, okay?" "No children." "Great." "I'll see you." "Fraternity party!" "Fraternity party, Friday night!" "Hey, buddy." "Eric, this fraternity party's at our apartment." "Yes, it is." "You know, you were absolutely right." "That hazing was so humiliating, I came up with my own idea." "I'm going to start a fraternity of my own." "That way, the girls will come to me." "I don't have to wear a dress anymore." "Unless, you know, I want to." "When the dean finds out what you're doing, man, he's gonna kick you out of school." "No!" "See, the dean adores me." "Why are you in my college hallway?" "I'm passing out flyers." "Everybody's got a flyer." "If it ain't the chess guys, it's the drama freaks." "Save this, conserve that." "Ever since Kinko's opened, everybody's flyer crazy." "I think you're going to like this one, buddy." "Good old-fashioned fraternity party." "And it's all his idea." "I'm on my way to the library, sir." "Why is your name on it?" "Why is my name on it?" "We're the founding members." "What's the name of your fraternity?" "It's..." "It's Magnum Pi." "Started at the University of Hawaii." "Hey!" "You ever heard of this Magnum Pi?" "Get out of here." "He's not right in the head." "Hey, Topanga, listen, I'm glad you're here." "Feeny's on the warpath because Shawn's cutting classes, so I'm writing an excuse from Shawn's parents." "How do you spell Shawn?" "You don't know how to spell your best friend's name?" "Well, we're phone people." "Is it S-H-A-W-N or S-E-A-N?" "It's S-H-A-W-N, and where is he?" "Jennifer." "Hi, Shawn." "Come down here." "I saved a seat for you." "No." "Why don't you come on and sit in the back?" "You, stop talking and take a seat down here." "When we left off yesterday, we were analyzing French philosopher Jacques Buridan's paradox." "A hungry dog is placed an equal distance between two bowls containing equal amounts of food." "Which does he choose?" "Not me." "Not me." "Jennifer." "Buridan concluded that the dog would starve to death, implying that we can only choose that which our reason tells us is the greater good." "Refute this argument using dialectic reasoning." "You." "Um..." "Well, I think the dog would choose the food on the right." "That's one way to go." "Why not the left?" "Okay, the left." "Doesn't really matter." "I mean, anybody would eat something before they starved to death." "Did the rest of you see what he just did there?" "He skipped right ahead to Schopenhauer's theory that the will to live is the predominant human trait." "Name?" "Shawn." "Non-linear thinking." "Good." "Wow!" "Schopenhauer." "That's like graduate level." "Really?" "I like the way your mind works." "Free will." "Want to take a shot?" "Do I really have a choice?" "Ooh!" "I got to take five." "Shawnie." "Hey, finally working on your paper for Feeny's class, huh?" "Actually, I'm writing a biography on Schopenhauer." "The comic or the singer?" "The philosopher." "But, you know, I wouldn't expect you to know that." "It's not stuff that they cover in high school." "You're still pretending to be in college, so you can impress that girl Jennifer, huh?" "Cory, this isn't even about her anymore." "I like philosophy, and I'm good at it." "Yeah, but, Shawn, we always said that we're gonna end up in college together." "I mean, if you don't finish high school, that's never going to happen." "I'm already in college." "Obviously, I don't need high school." "(BELL RINGS)" "We got Feeny, okay?" "Let's go." "Cory, Cory, no, come on." "I got to write my philosophy paper." "Okay, fine, but that's it, Shawn, all right?" "I will not compromise my name and cover for you again." "Mr. Matthews, where is Mr. Hunter?" "Alaska?" "That remark will cost you a 500-word essay." "Mr. Feeny, come on, I'm just trying to help out a friend here." "Make that 1,000 words on what helping out a friend really means." "Mr. Feeny, don't you think you're being a little harsh on Cory?" "I mean, he waters your plants when you're out of town." "Two thousand words." "That's not fair." "He didn't even say anything." "Miss Lawrence, you just bought the entire class the same assignment." "(ALL GROAN)" "And I want it by tomorrow." "ALL:" "Oh!" "What?" "Now, perhaps someone can tell me where Mr. Hunter is." "Excuse me." "I don't know if this makes up for anything, but lunch is on us, huh?" "Mr. Hunter, class has begun." "I suggest you join us." "Thanks for the invite, but I've got to finish this paper." "I'm not asking you, Mr. Hunter." "This is high school." "I'm the teacher and you're the student." "Well, that certainly is one point of view, but I believe that there's still room for discussion." "Are you refusing to come to class?" "No, I am not refusing." "I am exercising my free will." "Then I will exercise mine." "You are hereby suspended." "End of discussion." "Suspended students are not allowed in school." "Now, I have a room full of students who want to learn, so good day, Mr. Hunter." "CORY:" "Shawn." "How could you do this to him?" "This is his senior year." "How can you suspend him?" "He suspended himself." "If he wants to join all the others who failed to live up to their potential, that is his choice." "But it's Shawn." "Yes, I know." "(ELEVATOR DINGS)" "I don't want to talk about it, okay?" "Yeah, well, I do." "You took that out of my closet." "I'm pledging Omega, all right?" "The dean thinks I'm in a fraternity, let him think I'm in a real fraternity." "I love him, okay?" "And he loves me." "Eric, he doesn't love you." "Oh, yeah?" "If he doesn't love me, how come he's coming to see me right now, then, hmm?" "Eric." "Hi, Shelly." "Listen, Matthews, I happen to have a niece who attends the University of Hawaii in Oahu, and she has no knowledge of this Magnum Pi." "What do you make of that?" "Well, we have no Oahu chapter." "However, we are very big on the island of Humina Humina Humina Who." "How are you funded?" "Alumni." "I want names." "You!" "I don't know." "You're out of school." "Famous celebrity alumni." "Well, I would love to know who." "Love to know who." "Love." "Love..." "Love Boat." "The Love Boat's Ted Lange and Bernie Kopell, sir." "(LAUGHS) Oh!" "What fun!" "Well, I'll look forward to meeting them at your fraternity party." "And as soon as you started talking, I knew you were Jack." "Come inside, you hussy." "Look, not everybody is going to get Nietzsche right away." "The key is to read it in its original German." "Tutor me." "(DOOR OPENS)" "Okay." "Today we're going to explore structuralism." "Psst, hey!" "What are you doing here?" "Listen, you've got to come back and talk to Feeny, okay?" "This is nonsense." "You don't belong here." "You!" "Oh, my God, I've been hit." "Life, mortality, existence." "What are your thoughts?" "Oh, I'm just visiting." "Oh." "Like in, "We're all just visiting."" "Yes." "Yes." "Exactly." "That's bull!" "See?" "This is what happens in philosophy class." "You throw out a few cliches, and I'm supposed to be impressed." "I'm not!" "I wish I wasn't here." "Now, see?" "That's a good starting point." "I'm sorry." "Sometimes I just get a little frustrated." "I look at you and wonder how many of you should still be in high school." "Here are your papers." "Listen, are you going to come back or not?" "Cory, I belong here." "Shawn, I was very surprised by yours." "Yes, sir." "I was expecting a scholarly work of real accomplishment." "An "F."" "I didn't even get yours." "I don't believe this." "Listen, Shawn, it's okay." "I mean, you're not in this class anyway." "No, no, this has got to be a mistake." "I really know this stuff." "I've got to talk to him." "Excuse me, Professor." "I worked really hard on this paper." "I don't understand." "Shawn, except for a few promising ideas, it was poorly written." "It was disorganized and sloppily researched." "But you said I had a good mind." "You do." "But you're in college." "You're supposed to know the basics." "I don't have time to teach them to you." "Okay, class, let's move on." "I don't belong in high school." "I don't belong in college." "Listen, talk to Feeny." "You!" "Schopenhauer." "Me." "Leaving." "Yeah, it's good to have you on board, Jack." "Yeah, well, the only reason I'm here is because as long as I wore that dress," "I couldn't shake the dean." "Then let the fraternity party games begin." "Girls, to the closet." "All right." "Freeze!" "You two think I'm a clown, don't you?" "Dean Bozo!" "Well, it's been fun toying with you, but now I'm bored." "We all know there's no Magnum Pi, but what really fries my dean butt is you promised I'd get a chance to mingle with The Love Boat's Ted Lange and Bernie Kopell." "Jack, take my hand and pray." "What are you, scared, man?" "You're not?" "Not at all." "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "Can I fix anybody a drink?" "Ted!" "Look, Dean, The Love Boat guys." "Why do you always have to do the finger thing?" "'Cause I know you hate it." "You still resent me for outranking you on the boat." "Bernie, you do know that you're not a real doctor, right?" "You called them?" "Of course I called them, man." "I want to live." "I want to stay in school." "Ted Lange, Bernie Kopell, I'm the dean here at Pennbrook University." "A fan from way back." "As the two most prominent celebrity alumni of Magnum Pi, we would like to say we couldn't be prouder of our Pennbrook chapter and the dean who supports it." "Can I fix anybody a drink?" "They have drinks, and it's getting old." "Boys, you both proved something to me today." "I was drunk when I hired the dean of admissions." "You poodles actually believe that I'd be impressed by a couple of guys from Love Boat?" "No offense." "Big fan." "Hey, we don't care." "We get paid either way." "All right, boys, first thing tomorrow morning, consider Magnum Pi closed." "Right now, Bernie and Ted, you're coming home to meet my mom." "We ordinarily do just one appearance a night." "She's a big Get Smart fan." "Well, I don't suppose it would kill us to stop by." "Bernie, you know you're not the head of a secret organization known as KAOS, right?" "(BOTH SIGH)" "Well, Jack, tomorrow we're closed." "But tonight, we're open." "Ladies..." "To the closet!" "George, hi." "We just got back from Glaciers." "You in the mood for a yogurt?" "Why can't I offer him a yogurt?" "Do you not understand the concept of a whisper?" "I think this might have something to do with my suspending Shawn Hunter." "You suspended Shawn?" "Can you believe that?" "Shawn's senior year." "His most important year, and Feeny suspends him." "Mr. Matthews, Shawn was skipping class, mouthing off to me." "He practically asked to be suspended." "Fine." "Okay, fine." "But this is Shawn here." "Every year, I watch bright kids like Shawn fall through the cracks." "How do you think it feels?" "Cory, this isn't Mr. Feeny's fault." "You should give him another chance." "He's given me plenty of chances." "Look, Mr. Feeny, I..." "I didn't treat you with the respect that you deserve." "Come on, let's take these yogurts inside." "Are you asking to come back to school, Shawn?" "Yes." "Yes, he is." "He is." "I shouldn't be wasting any of Mr. Feeny's time." "You've never wasted any of my time." "Mr. Feeny, did you know that Shawn's taking college courses at Pennbrook?" "Is that right, Shawn?" "I guess it's like Buridan's paradox." "There were two bowls placed in front of me." "One was high school and one was college." "I chose college." "Why don't you show him your paper?" "It's no good." "May I read it?" "It's just an "F."" "You know, another "F" to add to the scrapbook." "Well, I can see you have some grammar problems here." "And the structure is way off." "This entire paper is in one sentence." "But it's good." "Clearly, college level." "Really?" "'Cause, you know, I was kind of enjoying college." "For the first time, I saw myself there." "I always saw you there." "So did I." "But, Shawn, you must come back to class." "You have to learn the basics, and I'm going to keep teaching it." "That is my philosophy." "And every now and then, I'll throw in a little Schopenhauer for you." "What do you know about Schopenhauer?" "Probably not as much as you do, but I'm willing to learn." "So, Bernie, Ted, don't you just love my family?" "Oh!" "We had a wonderful evening." "You're really delightful people, but we really should be heading back to the airport." "Oh, nonsense!" "Come on, one more story." "It's not every day we get to meet a couple celebrities from the TV, huh?" "Okay." "One more story." "When Cory was seven, he fell off of his bicycle..." "The tooth fairy story." "That's a good one." "With the teeth." "We already heard this one." "When?" "Six hours ago." "For the love of God, let us go!" "No, you sit." "My son paid you." "You sit and you listen to my wife's stories." "Bernie, I'm scared." "Love Boat stalkers." "How'd you like to live here?" "Anyway, Cory looked under his pillow." "But that's not the story." "This is the story." "ALL:" "This is so good." "(ALL CHATTERING)"