"Oh!" "Incoming, 3 o'clock." "Wow." "Heh, heh." "If I were available, I'd be all over that." "Being unavailable's the only thing that's stopping you?" "Well, that and her obvious, but unvoiced, contempt for me." "Why don't you make a move?" "What's the point?" "Say I start talking to her and we hit it off." "And by, "hit it off," you mean hit it off." "More unvoiced contempt." "I can voice it if you'd like." "No, thanks." "What is gonna happen as soon as she finds out how much money I have?" "She's gonna want you to make a deposit." "And there's the problem." "I see no problem." "Okay, it's not me that she'd be interested in." "It's what I can do for her." "It's the lifestyle." "So what?" "You still got laid." "Yeah, trust me, it gets old." "It's like having a magic golf club." "Every time you take a shot, the ball goes in." "Oh, yeah." "Kerplunk!" "Okay, apparently, you need a demonstration." "And no more alcohol." " Hi." "I'm Walden Schmidt." " Hello." "That's Schmidt." "S-C-H-M-l-D-T." "Uh, okay." "It's nice to meet you, Walden." "I'm Susan." "S-U-S-A-N." "Can I buy you a drink, Susan?" "No, thanks." "I'm waiting for some friends." " No problem." " Excuse me." " There goes your theory." "You struck out." " Au contraire, mon frère." "Right now, she's heading into the bathroom." " What do you think she's doing in there?" " I'm guessing tinkle." "Girls poop at home." "No, she's wondering:" ""Why did he spell his last name?" "Maybe I should know who he is."" "So now she's taking out her phone and Googling me." "I tried that once and I dropped my phone in the toilet." "Fortunately, it was right after a courtesy flush." "The first hit on my name is the Forbes 500 website at which point, she finds out exactly how much money I make." "She forgets to go to bathroom along with everything she learned in Sunday school." "Slaps on some lipstick and comes back into the bar." "Wow." "She probably unbuttons one button on her blouse." " And..." " You know what?" "I changed my mind about that drink." "I still don't see the problem." "I can't believe you're coming home with me instead of that girl." "Not that I'm not flattered, and not that I'm not willing to do things." "Just because a woman wants to have sex with me, doesn't mean I wanna have sex." "I hear the words coming out of your mouth, I just don't understand." "It's like watching HBO in Spanish." "Look, call me crazy, but I am determined to find someone who wants to be with me for who I am, not what I have." "Come on, I bet you have no doubt as to whether or not Lyndsey loves you." "I guess that's true." "You don't have to guess." "You have no money, no house, no future, no..." "Okay, okay, talking past the sale." " If you think my life is great, take it." " What?" "Pretend to be me." "I can't tell you how many times I pretended to be you." "And not just you." "I've also pretended to be a thoracic surgeon a movie producer, a stockbroker, and on one occasion, a hand model." " A hand model?" " Blind girl, long story, didn't end well." "My point is, you can be whoever you wanna be." "Hm." "Never thought about it." "Of course not." "Why would Superman wanna be Clark Kent?" "Okay, you know what?" "I'm gonna do this." "First thing I need to do is create an online presence for my fictional self." "Mm, that's good." "I usually just throw ketchup on some scrubs, say I came from surgery." "Okay." "Let's start by creating a Facebook page." "Uh, all right, if I was a struggling, broke-ass guy what would my name be?" "Alan Harper's already taken." " Ooh!" "How about Derek Slade?" " That's a little gay." " Um, Preston Burbank?" " That's just gay from a different decade." "Um, Joey Proccosini." "Sounds like the guy that made Preston Burbank his prison bitch." " Oh, uh, how about your porn name?" " My porn name?" "When you wanna know what your name would be as porn star you use the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on." "Unfortunately, I would be Rusty Knob." "Mine would be Snowball Honeysuckle." "That'll be a great porn name if Disney Channel started making adult movies." "No, it needs to be simple, like something easy to believe." " John Doe." " No, it's too simple." " Bob Doe." " No." "It's gotta be, like, right down the middle." "You know, like..." " Sam." " Doe." "Wilson." "Sam Wilson." "Really?" "There's gotta be, like, a million Sam Wilsons." "No, exactly." "I can get lost in a crowd." "If somebody Googles me, they'll get a buttload of responses." "Same thing happens if you Google Rusty Knob." "Just FYI, do not hit "images." You won't sleep for a week." "Okay, Sam Wilson, let's create your life." "Male." "Straight." "Single." "One-eighth Apache Indian." "Mix it up a little." "How have I never heard of this place?" "I mean, where else can you buy pants, shoes lettuce and a Garden Weasel under one roof?" "It gets better." "You can get a flu shot and a set of tires at the same price." "This is..." "All right, what would a down-on-his-luck Sam Wilson wear?" "Oh!" "Maybe something fringed, to reflect his Indian heritage." "He's not joining the Village People." "Oh, and check this out." "A dozen socks for 2.49?" "That's 20 cents a pair." "That's ten cents a sock!" "I'm so getting these." " But you don't wear socks." " At these prices, I can't afford not to." "Looks like you're getting the hang of this place." "So if you'll excuse me, I have a dentist appointment on aisle three." "Don't forget to floss on aisle two." "Leatherjacket for 49.99?" "Come to papa." " Sorry." " Yeah, hang on." "Let me just..." "The jacket's on a leash." " I'll just unlock the security cable here." " Okay, that's better." " That looks really good on you." " I bet you've said that before." "About 80 times a day, but this is the first time I've meant it." "Yeah, it's nice, but I probably shouldn't." "I mean, for the price of this jacket, I can buy 240 pairs of socks." " And your Christmas shopping is done." " Act surprised when you open them." " I need to buy a little bit of everything." " Okay, I can help you out with that." "I appreciate it, Kate." "Not a problem..." "Sam." "Sam Wilson." "All right, Sam Wilson." "Um..." "How about we start with some corduroy pants?" "Mm, I'm not a big fan of corduroy." "They're on sale, two for 19.99." "People change." "Anyway, after it got ripped off on the barbed wire we started calling him One-Nut Johnson." "Uh, that's terrible." "Well, it could've been worse." "An inch to the right, and he would've been No-Johnson Johnson." "Um, uh, you know what, why don't we change the subject?" "So how are things with your girlfriend?" "Pretty good." "Gonna get some time alone this weekend." "Her kids are gonna stay with their dads." "Dads?" "Plural?" "Yeah, well, before me, she picked some real losers." "Sure, sure." "So, what's it like dating someone with kids?" "It's tough." "They're pretty protective." "I mean, I'm the guy dating their mom." "Makes sense." "But her oldest son's pretty cool." "He buys me beer." "How old is this woman?" "Back off, Dad, she's taken." "No, no, I wasn't..." "I..." "You know what?" "I'll talk to you later." " Okay." "Bye, Dad." " Bye." "Yeah." "She picked a real winner this time." "Check it out." "Whoa!" "You look like me when I Photoshop my head on your body." "I've never done that." "Head to toe, including undergarments, $32." "Whew!" "Plus the haircut, $232." " Nice." " Oh!" "Check this out." "Velcro, very classy." " It's got a change pouch." " Got the deluxe model." "I can't believe we went to the superstore, you got a hot date and I got a root canal." "I didn't get a date." "Sam Wilson got a date." " Know what?" "Switch watches with me." " Why?" "Sam Wilson doesn't have a $50,000 watch." "Of course." "Here you go." "Casio?" "I had this watch in seventh grade." "So did I." "Okay." "You know what?" "We should also switch cars." "Yes, yes." "And you know what else we should do?" "You should deposit your money in my account." "Just trying to help you out, buddy." " Thank you." " Where are you taking her?" "This Italian place in Santa Monica, DiFilipo's?" "Oh, you are in luck." "I have a coupon." " Buy one entrée, get one free." " Sweet." "Thanks." "And poor guys don't valet park." " Unless they're wearing a red vest." " Got it." "Wow." "Fifty-thousand dollars." "What is wrong with me that I wanna masturbate with this on?" "Nothing." "For a man on a budget, this is a little pricey." "Oh, don't worry." "I have a coupon." "Sexy." "So, Sam, tell me about yourself." "There's not much to tell." "Uh, I was born in Iowa." "At age 7, I was taken away from my parents and trained to be a government assassin." "Intriguing." "Oh, it gets better." "It wasn't our government." "I only found out later, they weren't my parents." "Which made killing them that much easier." "Tell me about you." "Well, I had a fairly typical childhood in Riverside, California until my parents were killed by an assassin." "I've spent the rest of my life tracking him down and here we are." " Gulp." " Bang!" "Well, the Riverside part's true." "And then I spent two years in New York studying fashion." " Ah." " I came here to design clothes for the movies." " How did that go?" " I designed this and wore it to the movies." "So the dream is still alive." "Indeed, it is." "I gotta tell you, it's refreshing talking to someone like you for a change." "Someone like me?" "Yeah, someone who doesn't take himself too seriously who's not trying to impress me with how much stuff he's got." "So, wait, my coupon didn't impress you?" "Well, I don't have much stuff." "What you see is what you get." "And so far, I like what I see." "I like what I see." "Such a shame I'm gonna have to kill you." "Too late." "I already poisoned your wine." " Okay." "You see the Big Dipper?" " Yeah." "All right, see the last star on the handle?" " Follow that five stars to the right." " Okay." " Up three." " Got it." " Two to the left and down one." " Uh-huh." "That's my star." "I got it for Christmas when I was 12 years old." " That's sweet." " Yeah." "Sure, now." "When I was 12, I wanted a dirt bike." " Can't pop a wheelie on a star." " Ha, ha, ha." "I'm kind of glad your car broke down." "Me too." "You wanna make a wish on my star?" "I already did." "For crying out loud, Sam, when are you gonna buy a decent car?" " Kate, this is my friend, Alan." " Thanks so much for picking us up." "This clown rents a room from me, suddenly I'm running a taxi service." "Yeah, sorry, my car is a piece of crap." "Of course, I don't do myself any favors by never changing the oil." "Ever." "Oh, I like your car." "Thank you." "Uh, so Sam tells me you have a beach house." "I do." "I do." "It's gorgeous." "It was very expensive but I bought it at the bottom of the market." "And then I sold it and bought it again at the top of the market simply because I can." "I'm sure you'll sell it again and we'll go our separate ways." "No, no, no, I'm gonna die in that house." "Oh, and that reminds me, your rent is late." "Again." "Heh." "Right." "I'll have it for you tomorrow." "Today would be better." "Fine, today." "He's a good kid." "Give you the shirt off his back." "It's a crappy shirt, but he'll give it to you." "Oh, oh!" "Would you look at the time?" "It is almost 10:00." "I can tell, because the big hand is near the big diamond." "Check it out." "Yeah, it's nice." "Damn right." "So, Kate, Sam tells me you're poor like him." " I had a really nice time tonight." " Me too." "But what's with this guy Alan?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "He recently came into a lot of money and he's not really handling it well." "Not handling it well?" "He's a big, fizzy douche." "I mean, the way he was showing off his car?" "Jeez, how small is his penis?" "Those two things aren't always related." "I don't know, that watch is definitely overcompensating for something." "Some people just like nice stuff." "Even people with really big penises." "Everyone likes nice stuff." "But he didn't have to be such a jackass about it." "I know." "But, I mean, he's helping me out, letting me live with him." "I get it." "Still doesn't give him the right to treat you the way he does." " You should say something." " Oh, I intend to." "You know, before he arrived, I was about to do something." "So was I." "Come on, Sam." "Time is money." "And you're out of both." "You're right." "He's a big, fizzy douche." "Hey, looking good." " Where are you going?" " I'm packing a picnic for me and Kate." "We're going to a free concert in the park." "It's a Van Halen tribute band." "Well, actually it's not a band, it's just a guy named Dan Halen." "Unbelievable." "You're having fun living my life." "I've never had that experience." "It's all because of Kate." "And the best part is, she likes me for me." "Technically, she likes you for me." "Which is ironic because she doesn't like you at all." " So, what's the plan here?" " What do you mean?" "This girl's been dating Sam Wilson for a couple of weeks." "When are you gonna introduce her to Walden?" "I don't know." "Hadn't really thought that far ahead." "I'm afraid to think that far ahead." "How long can you keep this Prince-and-the-Pauper charade?" "How long can you keep living here for free?" "Godspeed, Sam Wilson." "Well, that was fun on a budget." "We certainly got more bang for our buck, didn't we?" "It's..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I just..." " Oh." " Unh." " Oh, great." " Everything okay?" "Yeah." "Alan wants me to pick up some hemorrhoid cream on the way home." "Well, he is a pain in the ass." " He's not that bad." " Oh, yeah?" "Then why don't we ever spend the night at his beach house?" " He doesn't like it when I have guests." " Douche." " You should move out." " I can't afford to." "Well, um, maybe you could crash here." "What are you saying, like, move in?" "Yeah, just until you have enough money to afford your own place." "That might be a while." "I knew I shouldn't have bought that Dan Halen T-shirt." "So, what, we'd be like roommates?" "With benefits." "Oh, I like the sound of benefits." "Good, because they include washing the dishes and taking out the trash." "Okay, clearly we differ in our definition of benefits." "Can I think about it?" "By all means." "Okay, I gotta tell you, you are a much better kisser than Alan." "Are you sure about this?" "It's like Dan Halen says." ""Might as well jump."" " Well, when are you coming back?" " I don't know." " Have you thought this through?" " I know it's crazy." "I gotta see where this goes with Kate." "All right, I'm just concerned about my friend." " I appreciate that." "I'm gonna be fine." " Mm." "Good luck." " And don't worry about anything here." " Thanks, buddy." " Bye." " Bye." "Finally, you're mine." "You're all mine." "So my porn name would be Snowball Honeysuckle." "Ha, ha, ha." "Oh, that is so cute." "I would download every one of your films." " What would yours be?" " Beebo 89th Street." "Guess it's not a foolproof system." " Hey, I have to ask you a question." " He was a fish." "Thanks, but, no." "Um..." "Why are you with me?" "What kind of a question is that?" "Well, just..." "I don't have much to offer." "And a beautiful, smart girl like you could probably get any guy she wants." "But I did get the guy I want." "Good answer." " Just promise me one thing." " What's that?" "That we're always honest with each other." "No secrets, no lies." "You got it." " Good night, Kate." " Good night, Sam." " Kate?" " Yeah?" " I'm a billionaire." " Of course, you are, Snowball." "Hey, you kids get off my beach!"