"Billy!" "Want to go for a ride on my new motorcycle?" "I don't have to ride the bus with losers anymore." "Not that you're a loser for riding the bus." "No way Billy gets on that bike." "Well, we're going to be jumping through fiery hoops." "Billy doesn't like macho stuff like motorcycles, or guns, or refined sugar." "C'mon." "What nine-year-old doesn't love motorcycles?" "Billy just prefers non life-threatening activities." "Like scrap-booking." "Scrap-booking." "Huh-huh." "Will be life-threatening when the kids in school find out." "Scrap-booking is gayer than gay." "Not gay in the bad way." "Gay in the... very gay way." "It's the perfect hobby." "Plus the class we're enrolling him in is once a week." "And it's cheap." "Easy parenting." "But we're doing it because it's creative, and self-actualizing, and safe." "Now that he's lost his taste for glue." "Okay." "If Billy really wants to do scrap-booking," "I will enroll him and take him to classes myself." "Because there is no way a nine-year-old boy wants to do scrapbooking" "Only one more sleep 'til scrap-booking!" "We're a-hundred-percent sure he's mine?" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "I used to give, give, give." "I gave to these two ladies." "That's my boy." "Oh, and I'm also their donor." "That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh." "And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too." "I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Come on." "Isn't this unbearably cute?" "Tell pageant mom she's making me feel stabby." "Once she gets to know the real me, we will be good friends." "Rose and Irene." "Buddying together." "Lingerie shopping, giving each other massages" "Oh, your concept of women's friendships is entirely based on porn, isn't it?" "Like you don't have pillow fights with your friends." "Or do naughty things in vans to pay for college." "Friendships between women are about sharing." "It's nice to have someone to share your secrets with." "Secrets?" "She's not going to tell you any secrets." "You guys aren't going to be friends." "You have nothing in common." "(laughter  chatter)" "Bonding?" "That's not possible." "You two have nothing in common." "We both like Maldoveena." "Shoes." "You bonded over shoes?" "What a cliché." "Not shoes." "Birth control pills." "Same ones I used to use!" "They regulated my hormones so well," "I practically forgot I was a woman." "I miss them." "See?" "We have something in common." "Favorite hair removal?" "Waxing." "Like there's an alternative." "I know, right?" "We get along." "Who knew?" "Don't be mean to Rose." "She's so needy, she might actually believe that you like her." "I do." "She's charming in her desperation." "No of fence." "It's cool." "Friends say things like that about their friends." "Look at me." "A real girlfriend." "This is a bad idea." "She is crazy." "Her?" "Yes." "Ohmygod!" "Harry's gonna take me for a ride on his new motorcycle!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "I am all for parentally sanctioned acts of rebellion." "But you are not riding a motorcycle." "You're so unfair." "At least I have one cool parent." "Enough about Harry." "I meant you." "Yes, of course, me." "Yes!" "You get how great this is, right?" "'Fraid not, kiddo." "But I come by my prejudice honestly." "I was in a motorcycle accident." "That's sick." "Were you hurt?" "Some bruising from the seat belt." "I was driving my car when I hit the motorcycle." "He should not have been parked behind me." "Well, I'm riding with Harry." "You set one foot on that bike, and we will cut up your credit card." "Why do you have to be so horrible?" "Because we love you." "Harry has gone from being a nuisance to a real danger." "He is not taking our daughter on that bike." "There's not much we can do." "And I hate how he suddenly turned you into the lame Dad." "I didn't mean suddenly." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "You don't want Rose to be friends with Irene 'cause Rose is evil?" "No, 'cause Rose won't let me near the baby if Irene tells her about the skeletons in my closet." "What kind of skeletons?" "Dinosaurs?" "Figure of speech." "See, Rose is protective of the new baby, and I just want a chance to be able to hang out with it." "Nine-year-olds are cooler than babies." "Noted." "I just can't let Irene and Rose be friends." "Two women together is trouble." "It works for me." "Yeah but your Moms are different." "Or are they?" "Are you scrap-booking because you want to do it, or 'cause it's what your moms want you to do?" "There's a difference?" "Find your passion!" "Sign up for what you want." "Hey, I just saw what you want." "Let's find out what she's teaching." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Harry." "Hey." "You're a great guy." "Agreed." "Well, a good guy." "I'll take it." "You're awful for our daughter." "You can't take her out on your motorcycle." "If you let her, she'll think you rock." "You can bask in my coolness." "I'm cool, OK." "I drive a Volvo." "So, what's it going to take for you to disappear from our lives?" "A little cold hard cash?" "You can't just pay me to leave." "Five thousand dollars" "Deal." "Look at those reflexes." "Anastasia must never know." "You took a bribe to abandon your daughter?" "I'm impressed." "I'm not really going to abandon her." "I'm just taking the cash." "I'm like the Robin Hood of dads." "If Robin Hood kept the money for himself." "Exactly." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "That motorcycle is a huge problem." "Now, I know this might sound extreme, but what would you think about offering" "Harry money to disappear?" "I had the same idea." "I thought we could offer him," "I don't know, six, seven, Much less!" "Eight hundred?" "Hundred?" "Well, we don't want to insult him." "We're offering him a bribe." "The insult is built right in." "Yeah, but he's giving up a relationship with his biological daughter." "Surely that's worth something." "What, are you kidding me?" "If we offered him old clothes, he would probably accept." "A thousand dollars to him is like ten thousand of our money." "How about just a titch more, like, I don't know, five thousand dollars?" "If we paid him that he would think that we were stupid." "I would think that we were stupid." "I mean, for five thousand dollars we could have him killed." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Have you seen this book?" "It's frilly, and pink." "For a boy." "It's super-gay." "Zoey." "Come on, don't let Harry brainwash you." "Oh no, this is my own inner wisdom speaking." "Billy!" "Come down here, honey." "It's time for scrap-booking with your mom." "The mom who wants you to be yourself." "Why are you wearing that?" "I'm a guy, mom." "And scrap-booking's not for guys." "Harry signed me up for rhythmic gymnastics." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "I am not canceling rhythmic gymnastics." "I jumped through a lot of hoops, to give Billy a chance to jump through a lot of hoops." "But his heart was set on scrap-booking." "I know because I set it there." "There is something very freeing about gymnastics." "It's very... for a boy... it's very..." "It's not as butch as scrap-booking." "What are you getting at Michelle?" "Look, it's going to give him strength, coordination, discipline." "You're not going to believe this, but he's the only boy in the class." "I mean, he's going to dominate." "He might even get a date out of it." "He's unitarded." "If you think you can get out of taking him to class every week " "I will take him to each and every class." "Twice a week." "It's gonna be good guy-time." "He has performance in his bones." "You know, I joined a dance group after college." "For two weeks." "Please don't" "It was very blue collar." "Very experimental art." "If you're wearing tassels it's not art." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "You have to stop this ho-mance." "You mean my amazing friendship with Rose?" "Look, If Rose finds out about all the terrible, stupid, dangerous, fun things and women I've done, she'll never let me near that baby." "And you don't see this as a win?" "I should be the one deciding how little I do." "Not her." "You really think I would tell her your secrets?" "Well, you have a big mouth." "You can't keep anything to yourself, and you talk behind peoples' backs." "What?" "Everyone says that about you." "Hi." "Hi." "I have a problem." "You want me back in Anastasia's life." "No, I have a problem with how much money" "I paid you to stay away." "The amount of the bribe, that's your moral dilemma?" "Janet and I want to pay you a thousand dollars." "She says I can write you a cheque from our joint account." "Okay, I'll take the cheque." "Great." "How could I pass up another thousand dollars?" "No, no, no, no, you give me the cash;" "I give you a cheque." "This is weird." "Okay." "It's almost like Janet doesn't know you paid me the five grand." "She totally knows." "Phew." "You know, why don't I just go talk to Janet," "I'll sort this whole thing out?" "How do you spell your last name?" "You're not really good at negotiating, are you?" "I'm more of a tax lawyer." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "I wanna quit." "No way." "This is a sport." "You got to keep plugging away until I score." "The teacher's mean." "Lean and mean." "Just a few more classes and we'll be done with gymnasts," "I mean gymnastics." "Why don't you practice your ummm... ribbon unfurling?" "I'll just do some scrap-booking." "I guess I should apologize for my son." "He's rhythm-challenged." "Oh, he's great." "Initially I was against a boy being in the class but he has a gift." "Really?" "Well, you must be a great teacher." "We should discuss your techniques over dinner." "And then we can have sex." "I have a weird sense of humour." "(laughter)" "You're very funny." "Thank you." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Wow, now I get this sport." "That was a ten." "Amazing." "The best." "So, you're comparing me to other women?" "No." "Well, yes, but you win." "Out of how many?" "Ummm." "I'm just joking." "(manic laughter)" "That was a good one." "You're very funny." "Thank you." ""When can I go for a ride on your motorcycle?"" "Who's Anastasia?" "Oh come on, she's fifteen." "What?" "Oh." "No no no, I " "I'm kidding." "I don't get possessive over my boyfriends." "Good." "Wait " "You can still talk to other women." "If they're coworkers or you're related." "Okay can I just respond to the text?" "You erased the text." "And all my contacts?" "!" "Uh huh." "And if you cheat, disappear, or call the cops, I will hurt you." "(♪ Psycho music ♪)" "(crazy laugh)" "I have this weird sense of humor, right?" "Yes, you're very funny." "What is this, a switchblade?" "I only use it on myself." "Maldoveena." "Birth control pills." "Ah, you should remember to take these." "I'll take them later." "I think you should take them now." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Hey, is Irene here?" "Sorry Rose, she's not hanging out with you." "Oof." "Wrong." "Last night we partied." "Hearty." "People don't do that." "It was totally sick." "I mean, literally." "We both puked." "Morning sickness for me." "And alcohol poisoning for her." "We held each other's hair back." "I have a best friend!" "So what'd you guys talk about?" "Everything." "I mean we're basically attached at the hip." "She tell you about the Siamese twins?" "What?" "Nothing." "Did insurance fraud happen to come up?" "Good." "Good." "Cause there was none of that." "You know what's a fun topic?" "Burning Man." "Whatever that is." "Hear any stories about that?" "Are there things I should know about?" "I am an open book." "Bestseller." "With tons of explosions and action sequences." "You don't read much, do you?" "Irene tell you that?" "Conversations between besties are private." "Look, Irene has a lying problem." "You can't believe anything she says." "One time she pretended to be a doctor just to sleep with a male nurse." "You pretended to be a doctor to try and sleep with me." "I'm a guy, it's realistic" "I could be a doctor." "Irene won't care about your feelings." "She is so self-centered." "She'll talk behind your back." "Someone like that is not a good person." "Dump her." "Now." "Hey, buddy!" "Had one of those crash in the office nights, pal?" "You two-faced douche." "Agreed." "You're a jerk." "And here, I thought you two would have nothing in common." "(laughter)" "Okay, bye." "Who are you talking to?" "Um..." "Harry." "Harry?" "But he..." "Really?" "I thought Harry was snubbing you." "He called you?" "He's my biological father." "I talk to him all the time." "Unbelievable." "He's not allowed to talk to you." "What?" "Is that why he hasn't been calling me?" "That's great, Jonathan." "Just great." "Yeah but you just talked to him." "I was lying." "That wasn't Harry, it was just a boy I was going to sneak out to see." "Oh..." "Have fun." "What did you do?" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Why are we meeting here?" "We're playing a little game with your teacher." "We hide, and she calls me fifty times an hour." "She didn't follow you did she?" "No, but a girl in the French club made fun of me." "I think." "Well, the important thing is we're both safe now." "And we never have to go to rhythmic gymnastics class again." "What?" "I thought about it, if you want out, we're out." "I'm here to support you!" "That teacher, she's bad for us-you." "That teacher's hard on me 'cause I'm gifted." "She told you that?" "Oh, Billy." "She's crazy." "No, Dad." "I'm gonna be in a recital tomorrow." "Boys hardly ever get to perform!" "There's a reason for that." "YouTube." "You'll be there, right?" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "I really appreciate you coming." "Just cause you insulted me behind my back doesn't mean I'm going to let a psychotic gymnast kill my best" "Friend?" "Bartender." "We have a very busy week coming up." "Okay that's her." "Are you ready?" "Yes." "I'll pretend we're married and threaten to cut her if she tries to take you away from me." "You haven't answered my calls, texts, Facebook messages, and you didn't come to your window when" "I threw rocks at it." "Hi." "Who are you?" "A stranger." "She's scary." "I have to get this thing started." "I'll see you later." "Okay." "You're dating his teacher." "So that's why Billy's in gymnastics." "I was just having sex with her and I'm here for the right reasons now." "To support our boy." "Plus I need witnesses when I dump her." "Why are you here?" "To support Billy and to hang with my bestie." "I hope that doesn't bother you, Harry." "I would hate to upset you by being friends with Irene." "I would just hate it." "♪ ♪ ♪)" "Hey." "Thanks for coming." "Mom and Dad paid you to keep us apart, so I knew I had to be here." "Oh, you heard about that?" "Listen, I" "You don't have to explain." "I'm sure it was my parents' fault." "Everything they do sucks." "I knew you'd get it." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "You have to admit the costume is super... scrapbook." "Yeah." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "How dare you disobey our suggestion to stay home." "You're a welcher, Harry." "Shhhhh!" "Why can't he just play football and get brain damage like normal boys?" "Your dad wanted you to play football, didn't he?" "He couldn't understand;" "I just wanted to play the drums." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Ahh, man." "I've become my dad." "I am an idiot." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "(oohs and awes)" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Nice Billy!" "You kicked those girls asses!" "Woooo!" "Actually, he's pretty good." "That's my son!" "(clapping and cheering)" "I had no intention of not seeing Anastasia." "Huh." "So you were just going to rip us off." "Yes." "But I plan on giving all the money back." "So, how much did you give me again," "Jonathan?" "ONE thousand dollars." "That much?" "See?" "Didn't even cash it." "That's all I'm worth to you?" "One thousand measly dollars?" "You're unbelievable." "Hi lover." "Wasn't Billy amazing?" "This is so unfair." "But we can't keep seeing each other." "It's a conflict of interest." "You're his teacher." "I have to look out for my son." "Didn't he tell you?" "Billy did so well that he's moved up to the next level." "There's no conflict!" "I can't keep doing this." "I'm, uh... seeing someone else." "Who is she?" "Which one of those women?" "Don't make me set fire to all their houses." "None of them." "I've fallen for the scrap booking teacher!" "You're gay?" "Mmmhmm." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "Billy." "Wasn't it the coolest thing you've ever seen?" "It was really something." "I'm so proud of you." "Billy has connected with his passion." "He'll be doing this three times a week." "What a blessing." "Oh and his class is going to be blessed with a special field trip to watch the nationals." "A very expensive trip." "So thank you." "I'd like to help out, but I'm just a bartender." "I don't really have a lot of money." "Oh." "He just cheated me out of five grand." "I guess I could kick in a few hun..." "Thousand." "And you'll keep taking Billy to class." "This is so great." "You two will have more guy time." "At Rhythmic Gymnastics." "Yes, it is so great." "Hey." "I have something to tell you." "Your father actually tried to bribe me with five grand." "Really?" "I'm splitting it with you." "Our secret." "Awesome, I'll put it towards buying my own motorcycle." "Atta girl." "Ana." "Daddy." "You paid a lot of money to get rid of Harry." "I love you too." "It was my idea." "Typical." "Can I go for a ride on the motorcycle?" "Never." "You're such an evil old witch!" "You are not old." "Hey." "Hey." "I shouldn't have gone between you and Irene." "Well you proved yourself a womanizing, manipulative, self-interested jerk, and a bad friend." "I didn't want Irene to make me look bad." "She knows where the bodies are hidden." "Figure of speech." "Please don't exclude me from the baby's life." "You really care about this baby." "Don't tell Irene." "She'll never stop teasing me." "Harry loves his unborn child." "Shut up." "I do not." "Yes I do." "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "We would've become friends even if it didn't bother Harry, right?" "Of course." "If we weren't friends, it's only because of our different viewpoints." "Yeah." "Or 'cause after sobering up, you realize one of us is really boring." "Or kind of bitchy." "Whatever." "Not because we're two women." "Exactly!" "It's because one of us sucks." "Right." "And is a prude." "Harry's an idiot for thinking otherwise." "Such an idiot." "(crunching)" "What the hell was that?" "Harry's motorcycle." "Ohmygod." "Why do people keep parking their motorcycles behind cars?" "It's OK." "Just drive it forward." "Good." "Now, back up over it again." "(more crunching)" "(♪ ♪ ♪)" "I'm gonna need a bigger scrapbook." "I guess it's back to riding the bus, Harry."