" so i booked a sketch artist, an improv troupe, and there'll be a laser projecting a burning pelvis onto the ceiling." " a laser!" "well, this isn't gonna be your mother's sexually transmitted disease awareness fair." "you've been quite the little helper, annie." " oh, std fair, guys." "catch knowledge." " you think you're better than me?" " no." " you stick to quotin' movie lines." "i'll stick to sports." " i'm trying to reduce my pop-cultural referencing." " well, you're not moving into sports." "you and i are playing real basketball, right now." " sounds fun." " no, it doesn't!" "and it won't be." " catch knowledge." " sorry, not interested... in ignoring your very important cause." "hi, i'm jeff winger." " oh, sabrina is my new secretary." " "secretary" is a little degrading to women." "i help the dean do officey things." " oh, gender saved." " my casual friend and i are gonna have a non-romantic breakfast if you'd like to join us." " the cafeteria's closed while we set up for the fair." "fortune cookie?" " isn't it great?" "greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever!" " you know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?" " because they keep getting stolen." "sabrina, take a note." "i want hidden cameras in every stall." " problem solved." " "you will get aids." - flip it over." " "unless you go to the std fair."" " i wrote that." " congratu-- horrible!" " see you later." " jeff...you and i are friends, right?" " okay." " you may have noticed a recent change in my demeanor." " i haven't." " well, i have a new girlfriend." "and she is super smart, if you know what i mean." " unfortunately, i always know what you mean." " can't wait for you to meet her." "you know, when you catch a big fish, you want to stuff her and put her on the mantle." "how 'bout tonight?" " i doubt it." " troy and i played basketball." "it was fun." " don't gloat." "it's impossible to guard you." "your eyes are too gentle and mysterious." " hey, guys, jeff and i are double-dating tonight with my new girlfriend." "ooh..." " you got that from "i doubt it"?" " pierce has got a girlfriend!" " that's great." "what does she do?" " she's an escort." " oh..." " some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?" " no, no, no, that's just her profession." "she doesn't escort me." "no, no." "i met her in my marketing class." "and i'm taking doreen to annie's mixer tonight." " you mean the std fair." "catch knowledge." " taking a call girl to an std fair." "there's a joke here." " so, jeff, dust off that black book and rustle up a honey, huh?" " is there a pill that makes the word "no" clearer?" " well, i guess it is pretty short notice." "probably couldn't get a date anyway." " oooohh..." " i'm sure you're right." "oooohh..." " maybe it has something to do with crabs." "they're like a food, but they're also a disease." " you know, i wonder, jeffrey, for all your feather flashing, when was the last time you actually scored?" " well, i don't know the precise date, pierce, because i'm not you, so there's no receipt." "ooohh..." " meh..." " oh, come on." " jeff, you shouldn't take potshots at some poor woman just because you can't get a date." " i can get dates anytime i want." "what is this, some kind of joke?" " no. this is." ""don't eat the crab dip." yay-yay!" " ah...you hear that, annie?" "that's the sound of stds screaming," ""no!" "stop being so aware of us!"" " aah!" " and it's all thanks to you." " i was voted most likely to succeed at my rehab clinic." " well, in recognition of all your hard work, i have decided that you should conduct the condom demonstration." "you're gonna be center stage showing everyone how to put a condom on a, well, what my dad called a jimmy carter." " um, i don't know if i'm the right person for that." " don't worry, not a real one." "no, it's an anatomically correct model, you know." "but trust me, eyes closed, you can't tell the difference." "okay." " hey, it's jeff winger." "well, i wanted to see what you were doing tonight." "what do you mean, do i know your name?" "what kind of a question is that?" "of course i know." "well, if i answer now, you'll never learn a valuable lesson about trust, jennifer." "crap!" "ahh..." " pierce really got to you, huh?" " it has been a dry spell." "but that's only because it's been a while since i've tried." "so i'm trying." " yeah, i can see that." "this is a lot of outgoing calls." ""car wash redhead." "tube top, r.e.m. concert." "juror number six." that sounds aboveboard." "at least you have "mommy" in here." " it's not my mom." " dude, not cool." " you saying "dude" is not cool." "what are you doing?" " heh!" ""hot blonde, spanish class"?" " you're welcome." " this is the phone book of a man in his 20s." "the women literally have no identities." "it's pretty shallow." " you're right." "i can't believe i haven't seen it before now." " whatever." "i'm gonna go study with shirley." " well, i'll be here..." "rethinking my way of life." " mm." " call mommy." " guys..." "i have a problem." "the dean wants me to demonstrate the proper use of a condom at the stupid fair by putting one on a mannequin's stupid... thingamabob." "it's a big honor... but i'm gonna screw it up." " well, it's easy enough to practice." "britta, do you have a banana?" " this is an anatomically correct model i'll be handling." "real...whatchamacallits..." "are nothing like bananas!" "are they?" " have you never seen one?" " shh!" " annie... being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of." "you're like a unicorn." " i am not a unicorn." "i had relations with my high school boyfriend." "we did it to madonna's erotica on the floor of his walk-in closet." "but he wouldn't let me look at it." "and he cried after." "and during." "he's gay now." "i think he was gay then." " so you, uh, you never seen one when you were growing up?" "like, you know, on the internet, in a picture, or harvey keitel's?" " i've caught glimpses, but i've never got a real good look at one." "what i need to do is practice on the actual model, but the dean has it locked in his office." " okay, that's easy enough." "we'll go to him and we'll ask him-  no!" "this is really embarrassing." "i don't want anyone to know." "i just want to figure out how to do it and get it over with." "the dean is counting on me, and i want him to know that i'm someone he can trust." "we have to break into his office." " i actually have no problem with that." " i think i could do that." " mm-hmm." " oh, hello, jeffrey." " hi, pierce." " i was just going into the fair to wait for my smokin'-hot date." " that's nice." " how 'bout you?" "were you ever able to, you know, come up with a, you know, date?" " no, no." "because i didn't try." "because taking a date to an std fair would be lame." " don't worry about it, kid." "what you're going through is a dry spell." "from my experience, they don't last any more than 12, 13 years." "excuse me." " step right up." "get a prize, not an std." "oh, no, syphilis." "please, please, no, syphilis." "ow, it burns!" "oh, that's gonna hurt." " gross. dean, your assistant." "is she single?" "what are her likes and dislikes?" " uh, yes on single." "she likes hip-hop and horses." "dislikes beards and-- yeah, i was done talking." " is it me, or are horses the most beautiful creatures?" "they're so majestic." " totally." " i mean, just this morning when i was shaving and listening to the new jay-z, i was thinking about how i want to squeeze in a quick gallop this weekend." " do you own a horse?" " can you ever really own a horse?" "pierce." " yeah." " this is sabrina." "about 30 seconds after you walked away, i asked her to be my date for the fair, and she said yes." " oh, you must have a great personality." " thank you." " congratulations, jeff." "you proved me wrong." "you got a girl." " yeah, i did." " oh, this is doreen." "ready for our double date?" " yes, i am." "wait, how'd you do that?" " is this the best safe sex fair or what?" "check out these condoms." "all along the side it says "greendale"!" "exclamation point, my idea." " wow, me in a dune buggy." "with syphilis." "this is going on the fridge." " hey, look how gorgeous doreen is tonight." "hey, can we... let's lay out our plans for the evening." "you wing man me, i wing man you." "maybe we split up for a little hoo-ha." "and then meet in the morning for eggs and...details." " that sounds like the worst combination plate ever." " ugh!" "i can't believe you beat me again!" " you want my stuffed animal?" " aah!" "we're arm wrestling." "ugh!" " oh, like stallone in over the top." "but i'm not sure of all the rules." "don't i need a semi truck and a ten-year-old son?" " the rules are you suck!" "let's go!" " uh, i want to wait for a more inspiring song." "this score isn't right." "there we go." " aah!" "you broke my hand, you bastard." "i can't do anything with this." " hmm, let me see that." "ooh, i can see through the door." "oh, yeah." "thar she blows." " ooh, i wanna see!" "i wanna see!" " okay, go, go, go." " shh." " oh!" " i'm the one that needs to see." " okay, okay, okay, okay, okay." "it's okay." " oh, boy." "oh, i had it wroooong!" "is that considered large?" " yes." " no." " what in the reverse porky's is going on here?" " you know, doreen speaks six languages." "you should hear her order wine in french." "hey, honey, say caber-net sauv-a-gong-da-nun." " pierce, you're embarrassing me." " do you know a lot about wine?" " well, i did have a client who owned a vineyard in napa." "he was into sm and merlot, so we called it smm." " honey, you're boring the crap out of jeff." " be right back." "i have to make tinkles." " well, then, i'm gonna go get us another round." " you know, you are not what i expected." "you're smart, you're classy." "you're not wearing go-go boots." " they're in the shop." "you know, despite what most people think, i actually spend most of my time talking." "as men get older, they want to spend their time with someone they can have a real conversation with." " that is going to suck." " "going to," jeff?" "look, sabrina's cute, but she thinks that monty python is the evil snake from harry potter." " trust me, i know girls i can converse with who are way more annoying." "i will take "tinkles" over "we need to talk" every time." " hey, babe." "ready to show me that lexus?" " i thought you'd never ask." "doreen...it was very nice to meet you." " you can do better." " here. rrrrr... oh, they already left?" "what a couple of nincompoops!" "uh, before i buy dinner, i have to ask-- is there any lovemaking on the table?" " we're through, pierce." "i'm gonna go to the bar, and you can join me if you'd like." "and we can still have a lovely evening." "but it will cost you 200 bucks." " it is good discom." " i had no idea alcohol would make people horny." "makes me sleepy." "i don't..." " dean." " yeah." " we have a 597 currently going on in your office." " a 597?" "there's a dog-fighting ring in my office?" "okay, i'm just gonna turn him around, and we're gonna cover him up." "okay, ladies, i am shocked at the reverse porky's that has happened here tonight." " i don't see what the big deal is." "annie just needed to look at the model of the pe-  oh, okay, the "p" word has entered into play." "that's exactly why i wanted gail, our school counselor, here, and monique, who's keeping record, to ensure we discuss these sensitive topics in a legally appropriate manner." " i think everyone should say penis so we can take away the negative power of the word." "yeah?" "so, everybody... penis." " she didn't say it." " now, why did you break in to see the penis?" "wow, i really do feel more comfortable saying that now, gail." " i just want to focus on the girl who won't say penis." "this is a judgment-free zone, so express yourself." " you know what... i don't want to express myself." "i don't want to sit in a room full of people and say the "p" word." "i like being repressed." "i am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality." "and maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little bit more like me, we wouldn't have to have an std fair." " you go, girl!" " that's my pumpkin!" " by the way, now that i've gotten a good look at one, i don't see what all the fuss was about." "a giant thumb in a turtleneck." "whoop-dee-do!" " you have a really awesome body." "you probably hear that all the time." " not as much as i should." " oh...professor..." " what?" "i'm not a professor." " but you're at greendale..." "and you're old." " i'm a student." " yikers." " yeah, it's pretty much yikers for me too." " well, i guess i can make an exception...professor." "mmm..." " you know, uh..." " huh?" " i can't do this." " what?" "but this is your car." " keep it." " but" "yeah!" "yes!" "yes!" "how you like those apples?" " i don't like those apples." "i'm so upset." "it was just a fluke i won those other games." " troy!" " wow, this may be the only std fair to actually spread stds." " shut up, ben!" " condom water balloon fight!" "what the hell?" "dude, these are leaking." " oh, my god." "that's why you don't print things on condoms." "everyone's getting preggers, and it's all your fault." "oh, god, i love it." " oh, man!" "troy!" "troy, all the condoms are faulty." "as the best athlete on campus, i need you to run to my office and make an announcement before everyone leaves." " dean, i am not the best athlete on campus." "abed is." "i know you let me win the race." " but you didn't say anything." " that's because..." "i wanted it to be true." " you're a really good friend." " no, abed... you are." " for the love of god, run!" " okay." " go, abed, go, before people sex one another!" " there he is." "back already." "detail time?" " i stopped." "i don't know what's wrong with me." "i mean, she's hot." "i think this place is sapping my life force." " oh, it's not greendale, jeff, it's you." "you're becoming more mature." "i mean, a man reaches a point in his life where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat." " oh, i'm sorry, i was waiting for that to become inappropriate or racist." "what happened to doreen?" " oh, uh, she said if i wanted to continue the night i'd have to pay." " oh, man, that-- that is rough." " oh, no, it was a wake-up call." "doreen's a very special lady." "i did not treat her right." "i have stuff to work on, you know?" " you'll get there." "we're both gonna get there." "here's to being better men." " cheers." " so could i borrow 200 bucks?" " tell doreen i say hi." " you know, for 220 i can get the-  i'll give you 250 if you don't finish telling me." " ooh, i can get it twice." "ah, college." "best years of our lives." "attention, greendale students." "don't use the condoms!" "if you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms."