"CUBICULOS DE OFICINA" "La punta de pistola amartiIIada" "Rin-a-Iin, disparo hasta ver tu culo de mono caerse" "Tus amigos sabrán quién fue" "Tengo un asesino dentro de mi" "No puedo hablar con mi madre, habIo con mi diario" "¡Hijo de...mierda...cabrón !" "Me dijeron..." "Me dijeron que si IIegaba tarde otra vez, me despedirian." "ESTACIONAMIENTO RESERVADO BILL LUMBERGH, VICEPRESIDENTE" "MI PRSHE" "Cuentas Corporativas, habIa Nina." "Un momento." "hola, Peter. ¿Qué pasa?" "Tenemos un problema." "Aparentemente no incIuiste una de las nuevas cubiertas... con tus informes T.P.S." "Si, es cierto, perdone." "Me olvidé." "Si." "Verás, ahora estamos incIuyendo las cubiertas... con todos Ios informes antes de que salgan." "¿Viste el memorándum?" "Si, tengo el memorándum aqui mismo." "Es que me olvidé, pero no sale hasta mañana." " No hay problema." " Si." "Si pudieras asegurarte de hacerlo... de ahora en adelante, seria genial." "Y me aseguraré de que recibas otra copia del memorándum, ¿si ?" "No, tengo el memorándum aqui mismo" "¿milton?" "hola. ¿Podrias bajar eso un poco?" "Me dijeron que puedo escuchar Ia radio... a un volumen razonabIe" "Sé que te permiten hacerIo." "Pensé que Io harias como un favor personal." "Le dije a bill que si Sandra va a escuchar sus audifonos... mientras archiva, yo deberia poder escuchar Ia radio... mientras cotejo y no veo por qué tendria... que bajar el voIumen" "Está bien." "Disfruto escucharIa a un volumen razonabIe..." "Gracias." "hola, Peter." "¿Qué pasa?" "Necesitamos habIar de tus informes T.P.S." "Si, Ia cubierta." "Lo sé." " bill me habló de eso." " Si." " ¿Recibiste el memorándum?" " Si, y entiendo el sistema." "EI problema es solo que me olvidé una vez... y ya no es un problema." "Estamos incIuyendo nuevas cubiertas... con todos Ios informes T.P.S. antes de que salgan, asi que, si pudieras intentar acordarte de hacer eso, seria genial, si, señor." "Peter Gibbons." "Si." "Ya tengo el memorándum." "¡Otra vez no!" "¿Por qué dice "hojas atascadas" cuando no hay atasco?" "Un dia botaré esta máquina de mierda por Ia ventana." "Yo también, amigo." "Tiene suerte de que no esté armado." "Pedazo de mierda." ""michael..." " ¿"BoIton"?" " Soy yo." "Guau, ¿es tu nombre verdadero?" "¿Eres pariente de ese cantante?" "No, es solo una coincidencia." "Nadie de este pais sabe pronunciar mi nombre." "No es tan dificil." "Por Io menos no te llamas michael bolton." "No tiene nada de maio." "No tenia nada de maio hasta que yo tenia 12 años... y ese payaso sin taIento empezó a ganar Grammys." "¿Por qué no te llamas Mike en vez de michael?" "¿Yo?" "Es éI quien es horrible." "¿Yo?" "Es éI quien es horrible." " hola, chicos." " ¿Qué pasa, negro?" "¿Vamos a Chotchkie's por café?" " Es temprano." " Si no saIgo, me voIveré Ioco." "Parece que te afectan Ios Iunes." "De verdad, algunos dias..." "Un dia de estos, haré asi." "¿Les puedo servir algo de beber o de comer?" "¿Fritos de camarón, fajitas "aI extremo"?" " solo café." " Bueno." "Parece que te afectan Ios Iunes." "¿Y si todavia estamos haciendo esto a Ios 50 años?" "Estaria bien tener esa clase de seguridad de trabajo." "Lumbergh va a hacer que trabaje el sábado." "Terminaré haciéndoIo porque soy un gran cobarde." "Por eso trabajo para Initech." "Pues yo trabajo para Initech y no me considero un cobarde." "Si." "Yo tampoco soy un cobarde." "Se enterarán si no tratan mejor... a su gente de programación." "Asi es." "No entiendo." "Podria programar un virus quitándoIes mucho dinero." "Mucho dinero." "AIIi está ella." "Peter, siempre habIas de esa chica." "¿Por qué no Ia invitas a salir?" "No puedo hacer eso." "Soy otro cIiente imbéciI." "No se invita a salir a Ia camarera." "Además, intento soIucionar las cosas con Anne." "Por cierto, no puedo jugar al póquer el viernes." "¿Por qué no?" "Anne y yo vamos a ver a un hipnoterapeuta ocupacionaI." "¿Qué, un hipnoterapeuta ocupacionaI?" "Lo sé." "Anne quiere que vaya." "Piensa que puede ayudar." "A veces pienso que..." "Empiezo a pensar que me está engañando con otro." " Si, te entiendo." " Si." "¿Qué significa eso?" "Nada." "DiIe que quieres jugar al póquer con nosotros." "No puedo, se enfadará." "Además, creo que el tipo nos podrá ayudar." "Le ayudó a Anne a perder peso." " Peter, tiene anorexia." " Si, Io sé." "EI es muy bueno." "No creo que ningún hipnoterapeuta ocupacionaI..." "Ies vaya a ayudar con sus problemas." "HabIando de problemas, ¿qué es esto... de que tienes problemas con tus informes?" "¿No recibiste el memorándum?" " ¡Oigan, chicos!" "¡Oye, Peter!" " ¿Es Smykowski?" " ¿Qué hace?" " Busca otro ataque cardiaco." "¡Los he buscado por todas partes!" " ¿Han visto esto?" "¡Lo sabia !" " Es una reunión de personal." "¡Estamos todos jodidos!" "Reducirán el personal de Initech." "¿De qué habIas?" "¿Cómo Io sabes?" "¿Que cómo Io sé?" "Traen a un consultor." "De eso se trata Ia reunión." "Pasó en Initrode el año pasado." "Hay que entrevistarse con un consultor." "Los IIaman Expertos de Eficiencia, pero te entrevistan para tu propio trabajo." "Siempre dices eso y sigues aqui." "Esta vez no." "Seguramente seré el primero." "¡Ir a Ia oficina de desempleo a hacer cola con esos cretinos!" "Mierda." "Hay gente en este mundo que no tiene que aguantar esta mierda." "Como aqueI tipo que inventó Ia Piedra Mascota." "Eso es Io que hay que hacer." "Pensar e inventar una idea genial como esa... y uno puede hacerse rico." "¿Piensas que fue una idea genial?" "CIaro que si." "EI tipo ganó un millón de dólares." "Saben, yo tuve una idea parecida hace mucho tiempo." "¿De veras?" "¿cuál fue, Tom?" "Se Ia contaré." "Fue vender un feIpudo para "saItar a Ia vista"." "Verán, seria un feIpudo que uno pondria en el suelo... y tendria varias vistas dibujadas encima... a las cuales se podria saItar." "Es Ia peor idea que he escuchado en mi vida." "Si, es horrible esta idea." "Miren Ia hora." "Tengo que irme." "Nos vemos más tarde." "Si todavia tengo trabajo." "En Ia secundaria te preguntaban qué harias... si no tuvieras que trabajar." "Dijeras Io que dijeras, eso tenia que ser tu carrera." "Si querias arregIar autos viejos, deberias ser mecánico." " ¿Qué dijiste tú?" " Nunca tuve respuesta." "Por eso trabajo para Initech." "No, trabajas para Initech porque esa pregunta es una idiotez." "Asi no habria conserjes porque nadie Iimpiaria si fuese rico." "¿Saben Io que yo haria si fuese rico?" "Invertiria Ia mitad en fondos mutuaIistas... y Ie IIevaria Ia otra mitad a AsaduIah." " Trabaja en vaIores" " Samir, no comprendes." "EI propósito es que debes averiguar..." "Io que querrias hacer si" "¿"Meter hoja"?" "¿Qué carajos significa eso?" "¡Oye, Peter!" "¡Mira el canal 9!" "¡Mira esta chica !" "¿No puedes fingir que no podemos escucharnos... a través de Ia pared?" "Perdona, amigo." "¿Está Anne aIIi ?" "No, pero..." "Si quieres habIarme, ven a mi casa." "hola, amigo." "Mira esto." "La clave está en descubrirIos cuanto antes." "Los tumores que se descubren" " Caray, Lawrence." "Lo siento, pensé que te gustaria ver esto." " ¿No se parece a Anne?" " Si." "Un poco." "Hace tiempo que no viene aqui." "¿Todavia saIen juntos?" "Si...supongo." "No sé." "A veces pienso que me engaña con otro." "Si, pienso eso también." "¿Qué quieres decir?" "No sé, amigo." "Pienso cuando Ia miro que es el tipo de chica que..." "Perdona, amigo." "Mira, yo..." " Sabes que no sé Io que digo." " OIvidaIo." "Está bien." "Tuve un dia duro." "Yo también." "Tengo que despertarme a las 6:00 de Ia mañana... toda esta semana e ir a Las GoIindas." "Estoy preparando el muro preIiminar del nuevo McDonaId's." "Déjame preguntarte algo." "Cuando no te encuentras bien Ios Iunes," "¿alguien te dice que parece que te afectan Ios Iunes?" "No, hombre." "¡Qué mierda !" "Te darian una buena paIiza por decir eso." "¿Pescaremos este fin de semana?" "Lumbergh hará que trabaje el sábado seguro." " Puedes Iibrarte fáciImente." " Si, claro. ¿Cómo?" "Pues... cuando quieren que trabajes el sábado, te Io piden al final del dia, ¿no?" "SóIo tienes que evitarIo." "Ya sé." "Lo evitas durante las últimas horas del viernes, te vas temprano, apagas el contestador automático... y debes ser libre, amigo." "Es una idea reaImente buena." "Joder que si, amigo." "Lawrence..." "¿qué harias si tuvieras un millón de dólares?" "Te diré Io que haria." "Me tiraria a dos chicas a Ia vez." "¿Eso es todo?" "¿Te tirarias a dos chicas a Ia vez?" "Sin duda." "Siempre he querido hacer eso." "Podria hacerIo porque a las chicas les gustan..." "Ios tipos con dinero." "No a todas." "A las que harian eso conmigo, si." "Buen argumento." " ¿Qué harias tú?" " ¿Además de las dos chicas?" "CIaro." "Nada." " ¿Nada?" " Descansaria." " ¿Nada?" " Descansaria." "Me quedaria sentado todo el dia." "No haria nada." "No necesitas un millón de dólares para eso." "Mira a mi primo." "Está peIado y no hace nada." "Cuentas Corporativas, habIa Nina." "Un momento." "Deberian preguntarse a si mismos con cada decisión que tomen," ""¿Esto es bueno para Ia compañia?" " "¿Estoy ayudando con...?" - ¿Ese es?" "Estamos jodidos." "Bueno..." "Me gustaria darIe Ia bienvenida... a un nuevo miembro de nuestro equipo." "EI es..." "Bob SIydeII." "Bob es consuItor." "Si, nos va a... ayudar un poco aqui haciendo aIgunas preguntas, quizá ver si hay manera de que podamos hacer... que las cosas funcionen mejor por aqui." "Si." "Y recuerden, el viernes que viene... es el Dia de Camisas Hawaianas." "Asi que, si quieren, pueden ponerse una camisa hawaiana y "jeans"." "Dije que no me importa si me despiden." "Le dije a bill que si mueven mi escritorio una vez más, voy a renunciar." "Voy a renunciar." "Se Io dije a Tom... porque han movido mi escritorio cuatro veces este año... y estaba cerca de Ia ventana... y podia ver las ardillas y estaban casadas, pero cambiaron de Ia engrapadora SwingIine a Ia Boston," "pero me quedé con esta... porque no se atascaba tanto y me quedé con las grapas." " Está bien, milton." " No está bien." "Si me obIigan--Si me quitan Ia engrapadora, entonces yo" "Yo tendré que-- Incendiaré aI edificio." "Bueno, eso suena genial." "HabIaremos más tarde, ¿si ?" "SALIR" "GUARDANDO TABLA AL DISQUETE" "¡Vamos!" "GUARDANDO CAMBIOS" "¡Por el amor-- !" "HACIENDO ARCHIVO DE RESERVA" "hola, Peter. ¿Qué pasa?" "Voy a necesitar que vengas mañana, asi que, si pudieras estar aqui sobre las 9:00, seria genial, ¿si ?" "Casi me olvido." "También necesitaré que vengas el domingo, ¿si ?" "Perdimos a algunas personas esta semana... y necesitamos recuperar un poco el trabajo." "Gracias." "HIPNOTERAPIA" "Estaba sentado en mi cubicuIo y me di cuenta... de que desde que empecé a trabajar... cada dia de mi vida ha sido peor que el anterior." "Asi que, eso significa que cada dia que me ven... es el peor dia de mi vida." "¿Es hoy el peor dia de tu vida?" "Qué fastidio." "Lo siento." "Sigue." "¿Hay alguna manera de que pueda hipnotizarme... para que no me dé cuenta mentaImente... de que estoy en el trabajo?" "¿Puedo regresar a casa y pensar... que he estado pescando todo el dia?" "Eso reaImente no es Io que hago, Peter." "Sin embargo... feIizmente, creo que puedo ayudarte." "Haz algo por mi, Peter." "Quiero que intentes reIajarte." "Quiero que reIajes cada múscuIo de tu cuerpo, empezando con Ios dedos de Ios pies... hasta Ios dedos de las manos." "Ahora quiero que reIajes tus piernas." "Empiezas a sentir el peso de tus párpados... mientras entras más y más profundamente... en un estado de reposo completo." "Todas tus preocupaciones e inquietudes... están desapareciendo." "Más y más profundamente." "AI fondo." "Tu preocupación sobre tu trabajo... se disipa... muy...muy al fondo." "Cuando cuente aI revés empezando con tres, estarás en un estado de reposo completo." "Tus preocupaciones, inquietudes e inhibiciones... habrán desaparecido... y te quedarás en ese estado hasta que chasquee Ios dedos." "Tres...más y más profundamente, muy, muy al fondo." "Dos...más y más profundamente." "Muy al fondo." "Uno." "¡Dios mio, Dr. Swanson !" " ¿Está respirando?" " ¡llama a emergencias!" "Si, hola, habIa bill Lumbergh." "Son aIrededor de las 10:00." "Si, es solo que me preguntaba dónde estabas." "Si, hola, habIa bill Lumbergh otra vez." "Queria asegurarme de que supieras que empezamos... a Ia hora de siempre esta mañana." "Si, no trabajamos media jornada hoy." "Asi que, si pudieras IIegar cuanto antes posible, seria fantástico." "Si, hola, habIa bill Lum" "Si, habIa--Si, hola, habIa bill Lumbergh" "Si, soy yo otra vez." "Dejé mi oficina por un momento." "SóIo me preguntaba si hablas IIamado mientras no estaba." "¿Qué pasa?" "Son las 3:30. ¿Por qué no estás trabajando?" "Porque--No me daba Ia gana." "Peter, ¿qué te pasa?" "Te quedas ahi sentado... mientras el Dr. Swanson muere, sales del auto... y me avergüenzas deIante de mis amigos." "No cuIpes a Ia hipnosis" "Escucha, cabrón." "Nadie me cuelga el teléfono." "Hemos acabado." "Y una cosa más." "¡Te engañaba con otro!" "Asi que, de ahora en adelante, solo usen las nuevas pIaniIIas de jornaIes devengados... si han trabajado en dos o más códigos en un dia... y necesitan las columnas de sobra." " De Io contrario..." " ¿Dónde está Peter?" "No vino este fin de semana." "No sé." " ¿Y ese tipo?" " Bueno, ¿alguna pregunta?" " hola, soy Peter." " hola, ¿puedo servirte?" "¿Qué haces para comer?" "Pues el plato especial es polio aI carbón." "Está ahi mismo." "Con permiso." "Mira quién ha vuelto." "¿Una mesa para tres?" "Te preguntaba dónde ibas a comer." "¿Te gustaria comer conmigo?" " ¿hablas en serio?" " Si." "No creo que quieran que haga eso." "Voy a ir aI restaurante de al lado y pedir una mesa... y si quieres venir, está bien." "Si no, eso también está bien, ¿si ?" "Cuando dices "de al lado"," "¿quieres decir ChiIi's o FIinger's?" "FIinger's." "Lo que hace en Initech es tomar las especificaciones... de Ios clientes y IIevarIas... a Ios ingenieros de programación." "Si." "Eso es correcto." "Tengo que preguntar, entonces," "¿por qué Ios clientes no podrian IIevarIas directamente... a Ia gente de programación?" "Les diré por qué." "Porque Ios ingenieros no se relacionan bien... con Ios clientes." "¿Usted fisicamente recibe Ia especificación del cliente?" "Bueno..." "No, mi secretaria Io hace o Io hace el fax." "¿Las IIeva fisicamente a Ia gente de programación?" "Bueno..." "Quiero decir...a veces." "¿Qué diria que hace aqui ?" "Ya les dije, trato con Ios maIditos clientes... para que Ios ingenieros no tengan que hacerlo." "¡Sé tratar con Ia gente!" "¡Lo hago bien !" "¿No Io pueden entender?" "¿Qué diabIos les pasa?" "Vamos a ver." "Tú eres..." "michael..." "¿BoIton?" "¿Es tu nombre verdadero?" " ¿Eres pariente del cantante?" " No, es solo una coincidencia." "Para ser honesto contigo, me encanta su música." "De veras, soy aficionado de michael bolton." "No hay nada mejor que cuando canta..." ""Cuando un hombre ama a una mujer"." "Te debe encantar su música." "Si, es..." " Es bastante bueno, supongo." " Si que Io es, maIdición." "¿cuál canción suya te gusta más?" "No sé." "Me gustan todas, supongo." "¡Qué cómico!" "Me pasa Io mismo." "Será más dificil para ti, teniendo el mismo nombre." "CeIebro Ia seIección entera de su música." "Bueno, vayamos aI grano, michael." "Saben, me pueden llamar Mike." "Me pregunto si me permiten IIevar esto aqui." "Creo que está bien." " ¿Quieres sentarte?" " Bueno." "Este sitio está muy bien." "Si." " ¿Lo está?" " Si, comparado con Chotchkie's." "Me gustan más Ios uniformes." "Me gusta el tuyo." "¡YA NO ESTAMOS EN KANSAS!" ""Ya no estamos en Kansas"." "Qué cierto." "Eso dice tu..." "Si, es..." "Es..." "Es uno de mis "detaIIes expresivos"." " ¿DetaIIes expresivos?" " Ya sabes." "Como Ios tirantes y las chapas." "Son todos..." "Nos obIigan a llevar 15 detaIIes expresivos." "Es realmente tonto, Ia verdad." " ¿Los escoges tú misma?" " Si." "Lo hago." "Pero no escogi estos." "Agarré 15 chapas." "Ni siquiera sé Io que dicen." "No me importa." " No me gusta hablar de eso." " Está bien." "Bueno, ¿dónde trabajas tú, Peter?" "Initech." "¿Qué haces aIIi ?" "Me siento en un cubicuIo... y actuaIizo un programa bancario para el año 2000." "¿Qué es eso?" "Prepararon este programa bancario... y para ahorrar espacio usaron dos digitos para Ia fecha." "Por ejemplo, 98 en vez de 1998." "Trabajo con miles de lineas de códigos y...no importa." "No me gusta mi trabajo y no creo que vuelva más." " ¿Asi de fácil?" " Si." "¿No te despedirán?" "No sé." "Pero reaImente no me gusta y no voy a ir." "¿Vas a renunciar?" "No reaImente." "SimpIemente dejaré de ir." " ¿Cuándo decidiste todo eso?" " Hace una hora." "¿De veras?" "¿Hace una hora?" "¿Vas a buscar otro trabajo?" "Creo que no me gustaria otro trabajo." "¿Qué harás en cuanto a dinero y facturas--?" "Sabes, nunca me ha gustado pagar las facturas." "Tampoco haré eso." "¿Qué quieres hacer entonces?" "Invitarte a cenar y volver a mi apartamento a mirar Kung Fu." "¿alguna vez Io miras?" "Me encanta Kung Fu." " EI canal 39." " Exacto." "Deberias venir a mirarIo esta noche." " GeniaI." " Bueno." "¿Podemos comer primero?" "Se llevó una engrapadora..." "Bueno, suena genial, Bob." "hola, milton. ¿Qué pasa?" "Voy a tener que pedirte que muevas tu escritorio otra vez, asi que, si pudieras moverIo cuanto más aI fondo posible, seria genial." " No, porque" " Asi tendremos más sitio... para algunas de estas cajas... y cosas que necesitamos poner aqui y..." "Ahi está." "Déjame IIevarme eso." "GeniaI." "Asi que, si pudieras hacer eso cuanto antes, seria fantástico, ¿si ?" "mil gracias, milton." "Adiós." "Podria incendiar aI edificio." "¿Qué diabIos pasa?" "Pensé que ibas a abrir fuego." "No, vine por mi libro de teléfonos." "No me quedo." "Tengo un número que no quiero perder." "¿Qué?" "Tienes grandes problemas." "No viniste el sábado." "¿Qué hacias?" "No hice nada, nada en absoluto." "Fue todo Io que pensé que podria ser." "Piensa en una excusa mejor para Lumbergh." "Tienes tu entrevista ahora con Ios consuItores." " ¿Con quiénes?" " Los consuItores." "¿Qué te pasa?" "Es cierto." "CIaro." "ApIázaIa." "DiIes que has estado enfermo." "De ninguna manera." "Me siento genial." "Es el mejor dia de mi vida." "Parece ser Peter Gibbons." "Ahi estás." "HabIábamos de ti." "Tú serás Peter Gibbons." "Fantástico." "Soy Bob SIydeII." "EI es mi socio Bob Porter." "hola, Bob." "Bob." "Siéntate y habla con nosotros por un minuto." "Verás, Io que intentamos hacer es entender un poco... cómo Ia gente pasa su dia en el trabajo." "Asi que, ¿nos podrias describir un dia tipico para ti?" "GeniaI." "Bueno, generalmente IIego por Io menos 15 minutos tarde." "Uso Ia puerta lateral para que Lumbergh no me vea." "Y...después me convierto en zombi durante una hora." " ¿Te conviertes en zombi?" " Si." "Miro mi escritorio con fijeza." "Parece que estoy trabajando." "Lo hago por otra hora después de comer también." "Diria que en una semana probabIemente trabajo... real y verdaderamente por 15 minutos en total." "Peter, ¿te importaria ser induIgente con nosotros... y decirnos un poco más?" "Si, claro." "Déjenme habIarIes de Ios informes T.P.S." "En realidad, Bob, no es que sea perezoso." "Es que no me importa." "¿No te importa?" "Es un problema de motivación, ¿si ?" "Si trabajo como loco e Initech envia unas unidades de sobra, no me dan más dinero." "¿Dónde está Ia motivación?" "Y otra cosa, Bob." "Tengo ocho jefes distintos." " ¿Cómo?" " Ocho jefes." " ¿Ocho?" " Ocho, Bob." "Eso significa que cuando cometo un error, ocho personas vienen a decirmeIo." "Mi única motivación verdadera es que no me moIesten." "Eso y el miedo de perder mi trabajo." "Uno trabaja justo Io suficiente para que no Io echen." "Escucha un momento más, por favor." "¿Y si...?" "Créeme, estoy hablando hipotéticamente, pero, ¿y si te ofrecieran aIgún tipo de programa... para comprar acciones?" " ¿Eso te motivaria?" " No sé." "Supongo." "Me voy a ir." "Ha sido un placer habIar con ustedes." "EI placer ha sido todo nuestro, créeme." "Buena suerte con sus despidos." "Que sus despedidas les vayan muy bien." " Muchas gracias." " GeniaI." "Bueno, Peter, ¿qué pasa?" "Escucha..." "Joanna. ¿Puedes venir un minuto?" "Siento haber llegado tarde, pero aImorzaba y..." "Necesitamos habIar de tus detaIIes expresivos." "¿De veras?" "LIevo 15 detaIIes." "15 son el minimo, ¿si ?" "Ya sabes que Ia decisión es tuya si quieres hacer Io minimo... o hacer como Brian quien lleva 37 detaIIes expresivos hoy." " Y una sonrisa fantástica." " ¿Quieres que lleve más?" "Mira, Joanna..." "Ia gente puede pedir una hamburguesa donde sea." "Vienen a Chotchkie's por el ambiente y Ia actitud." "De eso se tratan Ios detaIIes:" "Ia diversión." "Asi que, más, ¿si ?" "Mira, queremos que te expreses." "Si piensas que Io minimo es bastante, está bien, pero algunos eIigen IIevar más... y Ios animamos a hacerlo." "Quieres expresarte, ¿no?" "GeniaI, genial." "SóIo pido eso." "Son tres personas más que podemos perder fáciImente." "Y después viene Tom Smykowski." "EI es inútil." "Fuera." "Me suena bien." "Aqui hay uno peculiar." "milton Waddams." " ¿Quién es?" " EI tipo rarisimo." "MascuIIa." "No encontramos papeIes que indiquen... que trabaja aqui actuaImente." "Lo investigué más a fondo y descubri que Io que pasó... fue que Io despidieron hace 5 años y nadie se Io dijo." "Por aIgún error en Nóminas, todavia recibe un cheque." "Asi que, arregIamos el error." " GeniaI." " Asi que, despedimos a milton." "Un momento, profesor." "Ya arregIamos el error." "EI ya no recibirá un cheque." "Todo se arregIará solo." "Evitamos las confrontaciones cuando sea posible." "problema resueIto para ustedes." "Me gustaria hablar de un tal Peter Gibbons." "Tuvimos Ia oportunidad de conocer a este joven... y es un tipo directo y honesto, perfecto para el cuerpo directivo." "Si..." "Voy a tener que disentir de tu opinión." "No se puede contar con él úItimamente... y no estoy seguro de que sea Ia persona de calidad... que querriamos para el cuerpo directivo." "También ha tenido problemas con sus informes T.P.S." "Yo me encargo." "Nosotros pensamos... que el problema no se trata de Peter." "Se trata de que no Io has retado Io suficiente para motivarIo." "Exacto." "No estoy seguro de eso ahora mismo." "bill, déjame hacerte una pregunta rápida." "¿Cuánto tiempo dirias que pasas cada semana... encargándote de estos informes T.P.S.?" "ESTACIONAMIENTO RESERVADO BILL LUMBERGH" "¿ESTO ES BUENO PARA LA COMPAÑÍA?" "¡Oye, Peter!" "¡Hacen Ios autoexámenes de pechos en el canal 9!" "INFORME T.P.S." "Bueno, Peter...¿qué pasa?" "¿Vas a tener Iistos esos informes T.P.S. para esta tarde?" "Supongo que probablemente deberiamos habIar." "Ahora mismo no, Lumbergh." "Estoy ocupado." "De hecho, voy a tener que pedirIe que se vaya." "Tengo que reunirme con Ios Bobs en unos minutos." " No sabia de una reunión." " Si, me llamaron a casa." "Eso suena bien, Peter, y te arregIaremos todo esto." "GeniaI." "¿Qué pasa?" "No recibi un cheque esta semana." "Vas a tener que hablar con Nóminas sobre eso." "Lo hice y dijeron" "milton, vamos a tener que moverte abajo aI aImacén "B"." "Viene gente nueva y necesitamos todo espacio disponible." "Asi que, si pudieras empacar tus cosas... y moverIas aIIi abajo, seria fantástico, ¿si ?" "DiscuIpe...creo que se llevó mi engrapadora." "Parece que últimamente faItas aI trabajo." "Sin faIta, Bob." " Muy bueno." " Fantástico, Peter." "Estoy seguro de que has oido aIgunos de Ios rumores... por Ios pasiIIos de que vamos a deshacernos... de alguna de Ia gente de programación." "Bueno, hay que hacer Io que hay que hacer." "Nos desharemos de esta gente:" "primero, el Sr. Samir..." "No Va a Trabajar Más Aqui." "Y Mike BoIton." "Nadie Io echará de menos." "¿Despiden a Samir y michael?" "Si, vamos a contratar a unos recién graduados... y mandar trabajo a Singapur." " Es el procedimiento modelo." " ¿EIIos ya Io saben?" "Por supuesto que no." "Siempre es mejor despedir a Ia gente Ios viernes." "Según las estadisticas, hay menos posibiIidad... de un incidente desagradabIe aI final de Ia semana." "Peter, nos gustaria ponerte en una posición... donde serias el jefe de hasta cuatro personas." " Es una gran promoción, Pete." " Es gigante." "¿Despiden a michael y Samir y me dan más dinero?" "Es justo Io que me hace falta." "DámeIo. ¡Vamos, pequeño cabrón !" "Es Io que necesito." "¡Haz exactamente eso, cabrón !" "Escúchame." "¿Qué haces esta noche?" "LIega un momento en Ia vida de un hombre, y quizá sea ahora para ti, cuando no es mala idea pensar en el futuro." "Sin querer ofenderte, Peter, mira quién habIa." "No soy el que ha faltado aI trabajo." "Sé que tuviste una revelación reIigiosa o Io que fuera, pero debes despertarte y arregIar tu vida... o te despedirán." "Si, y yo..." "Escucha..." "¿Ese virus del cual siempre habIas, el que podria robarIe mucho dinero a Ia compañia?" " ¿Qué tiene?" " ¿Cómo funciona?" "Es bastante briIIante." "Cuando hay una transacción donde se computan intereses, hay miles por dia," "Ia computadora tiene fracciones de un centavo," "Ias cuaIes normaImente redondea aI número más cercano." "Esto toma esos restantes y Ios pone en una cuenta." " Me resuIta familiar." " Lo hicieron en Superman III." " CIaro." " Una pelicula menospreciada." "Muchos piratas Io hicieron en Ios años 70." " Arrestaron a uno." " VigiIarán esto ahora." "Pasa Io siguiente:" "Initech está tan atascada con Ia programación nueva... que nunca Io sabrian." "Tienes razón." "No podrian registrar tantos códigos." "Se quedan tocándose Ios huevos." "¿Qué te impide hacerIo?" "No quiero arriesgar mi trabajo." "¿Y si no tuvieras un buen trabajo?" "¡Esos chupapenes!" "Samir y yo somos Ios mejores ingenieros de programación." "Y tú te quedas con tu trabajo." "Me van a promover." " ¿Qué?" " Lo sé, michael." "No es nada justo." "Hoy me di cuenta de algo." "No se trata de mi sueño de no hacer nada, sino de todos nosotros juntos." "No sé qué me pasó en Ia oficina del hipnoterapeuta... y quizá el choque se está disminuyendo, pero cuando vi a ese hombre gordo morir..." "michael, no estamos mucho tiempo en esta Tierra." "No debemos pasarIo asi." "Los seres humanos no deben sentarse en pequeños cubicuIos, mirando pantaIIas de computadora todo el dia, reIIenando formuIarios inútiIes y escuchando a ocho jefes... habIar monótonamente de estados de cuenta." "Les dije que me gustaba michael bolton." "Eso no está bien, michael." "Por cinco años has trabajado como loco en Initech, esperando una promoción... o participar en las utilidades, algo." "Ya has perdido cinco años de "Ios 20"." "Irás mañana y te echarán a Ia caIIe." "¿Sabes por qué?" "Para que las acciones de bill Lumbergh... suban un cuarto de un punto." "michael, hagamos que bajen las acciones... y tomemos bastante dinero para que nunca voIvamos... a sentarnos en un cubicuIo." "Tu programa funciona, ¿verdad?" "CIaro que funciona." "No tiene que ver." "Mira, no sabria instaIarIo." "No conozco el programa bancario, ¿si ?" "Si...pero Io conoce Samir." " Pero no es mucho dinero." " Ese es el encanto." "Cada retiro es una fracción de un céntimo." "No Io notarian." "Pero si haces miles de retiros al dia por dos años, serian cientos de miles de dólares." " Es como en Superman III." " ¿Superman III?" "¿Qué--?" "Tengo que irme para preparar mi curriculum vitae." "¿Para conseguir un trabajo y que te despidan sin razón?" "Asi es." "Si tengo suerte." "No sé ustedes, pero me cansa que me saquen de mis casiIIas." " ¿Tú no?" " Si, Peter." " Pero no haré nada ilegal." " ¿ilegal?" "Samir, estamos en Norteamérica." "Vamos, siéntate." "Vamos." "No estamos en Er-Riad." "Aqui no te van a serruchar las manos." "Como mucho, te echarian a uno de esos lugares... para ejecutivos criminaIes de minima seguridad." "¿Tendriamos tanta suerte?" " Permiten visitas conyugaIes." " ¿De veras?" " Si." " ¡Qué mierda !" "Soy Iibre y no recibo ninguna por seis meses." " ¿Qué crees tú?" " Es a prueba de fallos." "Samir." "Viniste en busca de Ia Tierra de Oportunidades." "Y con esto Ia oportunidad toca a tu puerta." "Mañana es tu úItimo dia en Initech." "Tienes dos alternativas:" "desempIeo o jubiIación prematura." "¿Qué será?" " Tengo una pregunta." " ¿Si ?" "¿Puede uno acostarse con mujeres en estas visitas conyugaIes?" "Seguro que si." " De acuerdo." "Lo haré." " ¡Asi se habIa-- !" "Peter, habIemos del plan, ¿de acuerdo?" "De acuerdo." "Tienes razón." "Funciona como un virus de computadora." "solo cargamos el servidor central del banco." "Denme el disquete y me encargaré de todo." "Pero antes de que sigamos, tenemos que jurar por Dios, AIá, que nadie más sepa nada." "Ni Ia familia ni las novias ni nadie." " Por supuesto." " De acuerdo." "No te preocupes, tampoco diré nada." " ¿Quién carajos es?" " No te preocupes por él." "Asi Io veo..." "¡FeIicidades, Peter!" "Es un gran ascenso." "Gracias, Bob." "Pondremos gente a tu cargo enseguida." "COPIAR ARCHIVO" "COPIANDO EL ARCHIVO..." "COPIANDO EL ARCHIVO..." "DESCARGA DE ARCHIVOS COMPLETA" "Fue fáciI." " Parece que si." " ¿Qué hiciste con--?" "hola." " hola, Drew." " ¿Supieron Io de Tom Smykowski?" " ¿Que Io despidieron?" " No, escuchen." "La semana pasada cuando supo que Io despedian... trató de suicidarse encendiendo el auto en el garaje." " ¿Está muerto?" " No, escucha." "Su mujer IIegó temprano del trabajo y Io vio." "DisimuIó que nada pasaba." "Tenia problemas con Ia paIanca de cambios." "Está atascada." "No podia darIe marcha adeIante." " Digo, atrás." " ¿Estás bien, Tom?" "Y mientras Ia mira, decide que quiere vivir." " Si, creo que si." " Bien." "Ahora está funcionando." "Hasta luego, cariño." "Te quiero." "Pero tan pronto como sale de su casa... recibe un tremendo goIpe de un conductor ebrio." " ¿Está bien?" " Más o menos." "Se rompieron ambas muñecas, piernas, unas costiIIas, Ia espaIda." "Pero, fijense, recibirá dinero por conciIiación." "Serán miIIones." "sale del hospital mañana y dará una gran fiesta." "Todos estamos invitados." "Quizá IIeve a Ia nueva chica de planificación." "Si sale bien, verá mi cara de " ¡Oh !"." "Saben de qué habIo." "Exacto." "Nos vemos aIIá." "Es nuestro último dia en Initech." "Es increible que nos escoItaran Ios de seguridad." "Como si nos robáramos algo." " Me robé algo." " Si, claro." "Todos Io hicimos." "Me robé algo más." "¿Qué te robaste?" "LIamémosIe un regalo de despedida." " ¿Quién tiene mis IIaves?" " Yo manejo." "Todo saIdrá bien, ¿de acuerdo?" "¿Bien?" "Es divertido y emocionante." "Tengo que--irme, ¿de acuerdo?" "Joanna vendrá." "No te preocupes." "Estás preocupado." "Verificaremos el saldo de Ia cuenta." "Todo saIdrá bien." "Te veré en Ia fiesta de Tom." "Buenas noches." "Te daré por culo con tu resurrección" "¿Qué ceIebraban anoche?" "No tengo Iibertad absoIuta para decirlo." "No puedo." "Cuando Ia subrutina compone Ios intereses, utiIiza Iugares decimaIes adicionaIes que se redondean." "Asi que, simpIificamos todo esto, Ios redondeamos... y echamos el residuo en una cuenta que abrimos." " ¿Están robando?" " No entiendes." "Es muy complicado." "Es coIectivo." "HabIo de fracciones de un centavo... y aI pasar el tiempo IIegará a mucho." " Ganarán mucho dinero, ¿no?" " Si." " ¿No es suyo?" " LIegará a ser nuestro." "¿Por qué no es robo?" "Creo que...no me explico muy bien." "En Ia tienda tomas un centavo de Ia bandeja." "¿De Ios niños Iisiados?" "No del tarro, sino de Ia bandeja." "HabIo de Ios centavos comunes." " Los comunes." " Si." " Son centavos enteros." " Si." "Ves, habIo de fracciones de centavo." "Lo hacemos de una bandeja más grande... unos miIIones de veces." "¿Qué tiene de maio?" " Me parece que está mal." " No está mal." "Initech está mal." "Es una corporación maIvada." "Chotchkie's está mal." "¿No te molesta ponerte detaIIes expresivos por Ia mañana?" "Si, pero no voy a tomar dinero de Ia caja." "Quizá debas hacerIo." "Los nazis obIigaban a Ios judios a ponerse detaIIes expresivos." "¿Qué?" "Mira, nosotros no" "No habIemos de esto ahora." " Vayamos a Ia barbacoa, ¿si ?" " De acuerdo." "michael, Samir, ¿cómo están?" "Les presento a mi abogado, Rob Newhouse." " Rob, es michael." " ¿Cómo estás?" "Este es Samir." "¡Peter!" "¿Cómo estás?" "Me alegro de que vinieras." "hola, Tom." "Quiero presentarte a alguien." "Es Joanna." " hola." " hola." "Perdona que no me levante." "Peter, ven un momento." "Quiero mostrarte algo." "SALTE A LA VISTA" "¿Qué te parece?" "Es un prototipo." "Es exactamente como Io describiste." "Oi del dinero que recibiste." "FeIicitaciones." "Gracias, Peter." "Me alegro de que estés aqui... porque queria habIarte." "Sé cómo te deprime tu trabajo y demás... y sé cómo te sientes." "Me pasaba Io mismo." " ¿De veras?" " Si." "Quizá no IIoriqueaba tanto, pero seguro que odiaba mi trabajo más que tú." "LIevo más de 30 años haciéndoIo." "Recuerda que si resistes suficiente tiempo... pasan cosas buenas en esta vida." "Fijate en mi." "Gracias, Tom." "No hay de qué." "¿Visitas conyugaIes?" "No sé de ninguna." "La prisión de seguridad minima no es fácil." "Tengo a un cliente preso ahora." "O Ie das una paliza a alguien el primer dia... o te conviertes en ramera." "Con Ia paIiza todo saIdrá bien." "¿Por qué preguntan?" "solo somos" " hola, Peter." " Drew." "Lo de Smykowski es increible, ¿no?" " Si." " Qué suerte tiene el cretino." "¿Es Ia chica que trabaja en Chotchkie's?" "Si." " ¿Con quién está?" " Está conmigo." " ¿De veras?" " Si." "Vaya, Peter." "Asegúrate de usar una goma." "¿Por qué, Drew?" "Bromeas, ¿no?" "sale con muchos, ¿sabes?" "¿Asi es?" "Se cambia más de hombre que de ropa interior." " ¿Con quiénes ha salido?" " Déjame ver." "Lumbergh Ia jodió." "Déjame ver quién más." "¿Lumbergh?" "¿Y si--te agarran?" "No sé si es buena idea." "Pues no fue bueno que te acostaras con Lumbergh." "¿Qué?" "¿De qué--?" "Es verdad. ¡Lumbergh !" "Por Dios." "Lumbergh." "Peter, ¿qué te pasa?" "Fue hace dos años." " ¿Lo conoces?" " Si, Io conozco." "Es mi jefe." "Es el desagradabIe y cerdo de mi jefe." "No es tan desagradabIe." "Representa Io desaImado y malo y te acostaste con él." "Oye, eso no te importa, ¿de acuerdo?" "Nunca te pregunté con quién te acostaste antes." "¡Nunca pensé que te acostaras con tipos asi!" "Escucha Io que dices." "¿Quién te crees?" "¿Cómo te atreves a juzgarme?" "¿Te crees aIgún tipo de ángel?" "No, aspiras a ser criminal y robar centavos." "Si, quizá asi sea, pero no me acosté con Lumbergh." "Ya está bien." "Quiero bajarme del auto." "Ya está bien." "Quiero bajarme del auto." " De acuerdo." " Detente." "LIámame cuando madures." "Quizá nunca ocurra, asi que no me llames." "¡SaIuda a Lumbergh de mi parte!" "Lumbergh Ia jodió." "¡genial!" "Verá mi cara de " ¡Oh !"." "Si pudieras moverte a Ia izquierda..." "Asi es." "GeniaI." "Peter, ¿qué pasa?" "¿Me das Ios informes T.P.S. tan pronto puedas?" "Tenemos que hablar." "¿Sabes de qué se trata?" "¿De mis detaIIes expresivos?" "O de tu faIta de detalles expresivos... porque cuando Ios cuento sólo veo 15 piezas." "Déjame preguntarte algo, Joanna." "¿Qué crees de una persona que solo hace el esfuerzo minimo?" "¿Que qué pienso?" "Stan, ¿sabes qué?" "Si quieres que lleve 37 detaIIes expresivos... como el niño Iindo de Brian," "¿por qué no aumentas el minimo a 37 detaIIes?" "Recuerdo que dijiste que querias expresarte." "Si." "Quiero hacerlo." "Quiero expresarme, ¿si ?" "No necesito 37 detaIIes expresivos para hacerlo." "¿De acuerdo?" "Es mi detaIIe expresivo, ¿si ?" "Y con esto me expreso, ¿de acuerdo?" "Ahi tiene." "¡Odio este maIdito trabajo y no Io necesito!" "AHORROS DISPONIBLES $305.326,13" "¡Qué mierda !" "¡Mierda !" " Es una jodienda." " ¡MaIdición !" " ¿Qué pasó?" " ¡DimeIo tú !" "Es tu programa." "Si, es tu programa." "¡Cuentas Corporativas seguramente notará $305.300-- !" "¡326,13, michael!" "¡Qué mierda !" "ProbabIemente se darán cuenta en tres o cuatro dias." "michael, dijiste que tomaria dos años." "¿Qué pasó?" "Se suponia que funcionaria." "Técnicamente funcionó." " No fue asi." " No funcionó, michael." "¡De acuerdo, de acuerdo!" "Pondria un punto decimal donde no iba." "¡Mierda !" "Siempre echo a perder aIgún detaIIe mundano." "¡Pues no es un detalle mundano, michael!" "Ya basta de enfadarte conmigo." "Fue idea tuya, cabrón." "Bien." "De acuerdo." "Tratemos de no enfadarnos entre nosotros." "Pensemos juntos qué podemos hacer." "Lo primero será cerrar esa cuenta antes de que aumente más." "CumpIeaños feIiz" "CumpIeaños feIiz" "feliz cumpleaños, Sr. Lumbergh" "CumpIeaños feIiz" "Qué pinta más estupenda." "Peg, ¿les sirves a todos?" "Está estupendo, simplemente estupendo." "Les agradezco a todos verdaderamente." "Es muy especial." "milton, no seas codicioso." "PasémosIo para asegurarnos de que todos coman." "Si, pero Ia úItima vez no me tocó y me dijeron" "PásaIo no más." "Está bien." "Toma, pero..." "Veo que Ia torta..." "La proporción de personas por torta..." "Podria incendiar aI edificio." "¿Podriamos devoIver el dinero?" "¿Les damos un cheque por Ia cantidad que les falta?" " Se darian cuenta." " Tenemos que hacer algo." "Quizá podamos Iavar el dinero." "Es una idea estupenda." " ¿Cómo Io hacemos?" " No sé." "No sé qué significa." "Los traficantes de coca Io hacen." "Bien. ¿Conocemos a algún traficante de coca?" "Mi primo Ia usa." "¡Joder!" " Estamos metidos en un lio." " Si, en un lio muy grande." " milton." " ¿Si ?" " ¿Qué pasa?" " Queria decir-  ¿Sabes qué seria estupendo?" " Pues no." "Puesto que estás aqui abajo, seria estupendo si pudieras... encargarte del problema que hemos tenido con las cucarachas." "No es mi trabajo y no me han pagado." "Por ahora consiguete una linterna e insecticida y" "bill, te necesitamos arriba enseguida." "Tenemos un problema grande." "Un faIIo en contabilidad." "FaIta mucho dinero." "¿Oiga?" "¿Oiga?" "Pues está bien, pero--es el colmo." "Aqui está." ""Lavar". "Limpiar, Iavar--"" "Aqui está. "Encubrir Ia fuente de dinero canaIizándoIo..." ""a través de un intermediario"." "Eso no nos ayuda mucho, michael." "Es increible cuán tontos somos." "Buscamos en un diccionario." "Si, pues... ambos váyanse aI carajo." "No creo que Joanna se acostara con Lumbergh." "¿No Io sabias?" "Si. ¿No Io sabias?" "Fue antes de mudarse a atlanta." "¿Se refieren a Ron Lumbergh, el de Initrode, el tipo joven?" "¿Y quién creias?" "¿bill?" "Sus jodidos--sus hijos tendrian pezuñas." "¿Ron es familia de bill?" "¿Quién es?" "Quédense tranquiIos." "Seguramente es Lawrence." "Buenas noches, me llamo Steve." "Vengo de una zona dura." "Era adicto al "crack" y ahora intento mantenerme Iimpio." "Estoy vendiendo subscripciones de revistas." " Esperaba que" " Espera un momento." "¿Eras adicto al "crack"?" "Si, pero..." "Lo siento mucho, pero nada sé de lavado de dinero." "No te preguntamos sobre Iavado de dinero." " Necesitamos que nos conectes" " Si no sabe con quién" "Esperen un momento." "SóIo danos el nombre de un narcotraficante." "Yo podria habIarIe." "Me comunico muy bien." "Les menti." "Lo que dije de usar "crack" me ayuda a vender revistas." "En realidad soy ingeniero de programación desempIeado." "¿Ingeniero de programación?" " Si." " Todo será muy dificil para ti." "En realidad gano más dinero vendiendo subscripciones... que en Initrode." "¿En Initrode?" "Nada dirás de todo esto que dijimos, ¿verdad?" "Conocemos a Ia misma gente." "Es" "De hecho, todo depende." "¿Qué haré con 40 subscripciones a Vibe?" "Nunca debimos hacerIo." "¿En qué pensábamos?" "No entiendo cómo estos estúpidos mafiosos neandertaIes... son buenos criminaIes... y tipos Iistos como nosotros no Io somos." "Estamos empezando." "Si tuviéramos más experiencia..." "¿Saben qué creo?" "Que estamos jodidos." "Hay evidencia por todo el edificio que nos une a esto." "Aunque pudiéramos Iavar el dinero, no querria." "Ya es bastante maIo." "Si nos agarran Iavando dinero, no iremos a una cárcel para ejecutivos." "Iremos a Ia prisión Dame por culo." "No quiero ir a ninguna prisión." "¿Por qué diablos Io hice?" "Nunca he cometido ningún error en mi vida." "No pensábamos bien porque perdiamos el puesto." "Estamos preocupados por ir a Ia cárceI." "No se preocupen, pensaré en algo." " Me voy a casa." " También yo." "Eres una persona bien maIa, Peter." " Lawrence, ¿estás despierto?" " Si." " ¿Quieres venir?" " No, gracias." "Tampoco quiero que jodas mi vida." "A Ia Iuz de Ia insensatez con que cometieron... estos horribIes crimenes contra Initech," "Ios condeno, michael bolton y Samir Naan" "a no menos de cuatro años... en Ia prisión federal Dame por culo." "Peter Gibbons, IIevó una vida trivial e insignificante." "Y es una persona bien maIa." "BANCO COOPERATIVO CHEQUES DE VIAJERO" "hola." "¿Ya no trabajas en Chotchkie's?" "No, me despidieron." " ¿Qué pasó?" " Le saqué el dedo aI jefe... a algunos clientes... a un cocinero que estaba parado aIIi." "Quizá me vaya por un tiempo... a Ia cárceI." "La estafa con Ia computadora era una mala idea." "Decidi asumir toda Ia responsabiIidad." "Voy a devolver el dinero... y a dejarIe una confesión a Lumbergh." "Te pido perdón por enfadarme contigo por Io de Lumbergh." "No se trata de Lumbergh." "Ni pensé en Ia persona correcta." "No sé por qué no puedo trabajar y sentirme feIiz... como se supone, como todos Ios demás." "A mucha gente no Ie gusta su trabajo." "Pero buscas algo que te haga feliz." "Quizá nunca sea feliz en mi trabajo, pero si estuviera contigo, podria ser feliz en Ia vida." "He sido un verdadero cabrón, pero si quisieras intentarIo de nuevo, te prometo" "De acuerdo, cáIIate." "Vaya. ¿Qué ocurre?" "Váyanse a una habitación." "Odio a ese tipo." "WILLIAM LUMBERGH VICEPRESIDENTE DE DIVISION" "EI Sr. Lumbergh me dijo que hablara con Nóminas... y ellos me dijeron que hablara con él." "Aún no he recibido mi cheque y él se llevó mi engrapadora... y nunca Ia devoIvió y movieron mi escritorio a Ia sala "B"... y tenia basura encima" "Vaya y siéntese en su escritorio." "LIegará en cualquier momento." " EI Sr. Lumbergh" " Vaya a su escritorio, ¿si ?" "De acuerdo, pero yo" "Tengo que buscar mi engrapadora porque me pertenece y" "Es mi engrapadora, una SwingIine que he usado por mucho tiempo." "Lawrence, ¿estás ahi ?" " hola, Peter." " hola." " Quizá me vaya por un tiempo." " Si, hombre, Io sé." "Es una pena. ¿Qué puedo decir?" "Bueno, es hora de enfrentarme a esto." " Si no te veo, cuidate." " Cuidate tú también." " Oye, Peter." " ¿Si ?" "Cuidate el trasero." "De acuerdo, Lawrence." "Cuidado." "Echense atrás." "¡Santo Dios!" "Con permiso." "Con permiso." "Yo estaba aqui primero." "Espera, déjame echarIe un vistazo." "No querrás eso, Peter." "Está tostada." "Conozco a alguien que Ia querrá." "hola, hombre." "¿Vienes a almorzar?" "Traje el almuerzo." "Además, Joanna vendrá un poco más tarde." "¿Y cómo te gusta tu nuevo empleo?" "No está nada mal." "¿Cómo es Penetrode?" " Initrode." " Initrode." " Está bien." " Es un trabajo." "Tendrias trabajo si quisieras." "No, gracias." "Estoy bien aqui." "Asi que, saIdremos bien, ¿verdad?" "Si." "EI fuego se encargó de todo." "Me pregunto si el dinero se quemó." " Seria una lástima." " Si." "¿Estás seguro de que no quieres un trabajo?" "De eso estoy bien seguro." "Bien, jefe." "Cuidense, ¿si ?" " LIámanos, hombre." " Lo haré." "No es tan malo, ¿verdad?" "Hacemos dinero y ejercicios." "Trabajamos afuera." "Joder que si." "Joder que si." "Oiga." "Oiga, señor." "¿Podria habIarIe, por favor?" "Pedi un Mai Tai y me trajeron una Piña colada." "Y dije "sin sal" para mi Margarita, pero tenia sal." "No dejaré propina porque podria-- acabar con este lugar de temporada." "¿Señor?" "Podria IIevar mis cheques de viajero a Ia competencia." "Podria escribir una carta a Turismo... y hacer que cierren el lugar." "Podria ponerIe estricnina aI guacamole." "Habia sal en el vaso, granos grandes." "Habia sal en el vaso, granos grandes." "Subir en Ia montaña rusa erecta." "¡No vueIvas IIevando un vestido!" "Como un gran maricón." "Ahora trabajo en Hooters y me va bien." "PEREZ PRADO SINGING:" "Uno" "Dos" "Tres" "Quatro" "Ah" "Ah, ah-hoo" "PEREZ PRADO:" "Ooh" "PEREZ PRADO:" "Ooh" "PEREZ PRADO:" "Ooh" "[Rap music plays on radio]" "MAN RAPPING:" "I got my pistol point cocked" "Ring-a-Iing, shots nonstop" "until I see your monkey ass drop" "And let your homies know who done it" "'Cause when it comes to this gangsta shit" "You motherfuckers know who run it, unh-huh" "We standing' up for our own shit" "And if you put this motherfucker to the test" "[Turns down volume]" "You're fuckin' with the very best" "[Turns up volume]" "I can't talk to my mother, so I talk to my diary" "Mother...shitting'... son of a" "Ass!" "Ooh !" "I just..." "I was toId" "Have you seen-- I was told that if..." "I was late again I would be summarily dismissed." "[Sets car alarm]" "Mmm." "No, no." "NINA:" "Just a moment." "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "Just a moment." "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "Just a moment." "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "Just a moment." "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "Just a moment." "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "BILL:" "hello, Peter." "What's happening?" "Ahh...we have sort of a problem here." "Yeah." "You apparently didn't put... one of the new cover sheets on your T.P.S. reports." "Oh, yeah." "I'm sorry about that." "I--I forgot." "BILL:" "Mmm...yeah." "You see, we're putting the cover sheets... on all T.P.S. reports now before they go out." "Did you see the memo about this?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I have the memo right here." "I just, uh, forgot... but, uh, it's not shipping out till tomorrow... so there's no problem." "BILL:" "Yeah." "If you could just go ahead and make sure... you do that from now on, that would be great... and, uh, I'II go ahead and make sure... you get another copy of that memo, OK?" "PETER:" "No." "I have the memo." "I've got it--It's right" "BILL:" "hello, phil." "What's happening?" "Um..." "I came by here yesterday..." "NEWSCASTER:" "Four teams out on the Spanish point... discovered a shipwreck off the coast..." "milton?" "Hi." "Uh... could you turn that down just a little bit?" "But I was told that I couId listen... to the radio at a reasonable volume from 9:00 to 1 1 :00." "Yeah." "I know you're allowed to." "I was just thinkin' maybe like a personal favor." "well, I--I--I told bill if Sandra's going to..." "listen to her headphones while she's filing... then I should be able to listen to the radio... while I'm collating... so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio." "Yeah." "AII right." "OK." "I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume..." "PETER:" "Thanks." "MILTON: from 9:00 to 1 1 :00." "DOM:" "Hi, Peter." "What's happening?" "We need to talk about your T.P.S. reports." "Yeah." "The cover sheet." "I know." "I know." "bill talked to me about it." "Yeah." "Did you get that memo?" "PETER:" "Yeah, I got the memo, and I understand the policy... and the problem is just that I forgot the one time... and I've already taken care of it... so it's not even really a problem anymore." "Ah !" "Yeah." "It's just we're putting new cover sheets... on all the T.P.S. reports before they go out now... so if you could go ahead and try to remember... to do that from now on, that'd be great." "AII right!" "[telephone rings]" "NINA:" "Just a moment." "[Ring]" "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "Peter Gibbons." "Yes." "NINA:" "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "Just a moment." "I have the memo." "SAMIR:" "No." "Not again." "I" "Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?" "I swear to God, one of these days...." "I just kick this piece of shit out the window." "MICHAEL:" "You and me both, man." "That thing is lucky I'm not armed." "Piece of shit." "PEGGY: "Samir..." ""Na-Na..." ""Na-Naga--"" "No." "Thanks." "Unh-huh !" "SAMIR:" "please." ""michael..." "bolton"?" "That's me." "Wow!" "Is that your real name?" "MICHAEL:" "Yeah." "Ahem." "So are you related to that singer guy?" "MICHAEL:" "No." "It's just a coincidence." "Oh." "SAMIR:" "No one in this country can pronounce my name right." "It's not that hard." ""Na-ee" and then "anajaad." Nayanajaad." "MICHAEL:" "At least your name isn't michael bolton." "SAMIR:" "You know, there's nothing wrong with that name." "MICHAEL:" "There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about twelve years old... and that no-taIent ass clown became famous... and started winning Grammys." "SAMIR:" "Hmm." "well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of michael?" "MICHAEL:" "Why should I change?" "He's the one who sucks." "Hey, guys." "MICHAEL:" "What's up, G?" "Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee?" "SAMIR:" "Oh, it's a little early." "I gotta get outta here." "I think I'm gonna lose it." "PEGGY:" "Uh-oh." "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays." "[Peggy chuckles]" "PETER:" "Boy, I tell ya, some days." "One of these days, it's just gonna be Iike" "[Imitates machine gun]" "[Imitates machine gun]" "Heh heh heh !" "So, can I get you gentlemen something more to drink... or maybe something to nibble on-- some pizza shooters, shrimp poppers, or extreme fajitas?" "Just coffee." "OK!" "Sounds like a case of the Mondays." "[Brian chuckles]" "What if we're still doin' this when we're fifty?" "It would be nice to have that kind of job security." "Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday." "I can tell already." "I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh... because I'm a big pussy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with." "MICHAEL:" "Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech... and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK?" "SAMIR:" "Yes." "I am also not a pussy." "MICHAEL:" "They're gonna find out the hard way I'm not a pussy... if they don't start treating their software people better." "SAMIR:" "That's right." "MICHAEL:" "They don't understand." "I couId program a virus that'd rip that place off big time." "PETER:" "Yeah." "MICHAEL:" "Big time." "STAN:" "Whoa !" "There she is." "SAMIR:" "Peter, you know, you always talk about this girl." "If you're so obsessed with her, why don't you just ask her out?" "Oh, I can't do that." "I'm just another asshole customer." "You can't just walk up to a waitress and ask her out." "Besides, I'm still trying to work it out with Anne." "Oh, that reminds me." "I can't play poker on Friday." "Why not?" "I'm gonna see this occupational hypnotherapist with Anne." "Dude, an occupational hypnotherapist?" "PETER:" "I know." "Anne wants me to go." "She thinks it might help." "Um..." "You know, sometimes I think that..." "I get thinking that she's cheating on me." "Yeah." "I know what you mean." "Yeah." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "Why don't you just tell Anne that you're not into hypnosis... and you wanna play poker with us?" "I can't do that." "She'II get all pissed off... and, besides, I think the guy might actually be able to help." "I mean, he did help Anne lose weight." "Peter, she's anorexic." "Yeah, I know." "The guy's really good." "Yeah, well, I don't think any occupational hypnotherapist... is gonna help you solve any of your problems." "Hey, and speaking of problems... what's this I hear about you having problems... with your T.P.S. reports?" "SAMIR:" "Yeah." "Didn't you get that memo?" "TOM:" "Hey!" "Hey, guys!" "Peter!" "SAMIR:" "Is that Smykowski?" "Samir!" "What's he doing?" "MICHAEL:" "Oh, probably working' on another heart attack." "TOM:" "I've been Iookin' all over for you guys!" "Have you seen this?" "I knew it." "I knew it." "PETER:" "What?" "It's a staff meeting." "So what?" "TOM:" "So what?" "We're all screwed." "That's what." "They're gonna downsize Initech." "SAMIR:" "What are you talking about?" "How do you know that?" "TOM:" "How do I know?" "They're bringing in a consultant." "That's how I know." "That's what this staff meeting's all about." "It happened at Initrode last year." "You have to interview with this consultant." "They call them efficiency experts... but what you're really doing... is interviewing for your own job." "MICHAEL:" "Every week you say you're gonna lose your job... and you're still here." "TOM:" "Not this time." "I bet I'm the first one laid off." "The thought of having to go to the state unemployment office... and stand in line with those scumbags..." "SAMIR:" "Shit." "TOM:" "You know there are people in this world... that don't have to put up with all this shit?" "Like that guy that invented the pet rock." "You see, that's what you have to do." "You have to use your mind... and come up with some really great idea like that... and you can make miIIions-- never have to work again." "MICHAEL:" "You think the pet rock was a really great idea?" "Sure it was." "The guy made a million dollars." "You know, I had an idea like that once... a Iong time ago." "PETER:" "really?" "What was it, Tom?" "well, all right." "It was a "Jump to conclusions" mat." "You see, it wouId be this mat... that you would put on the floor... and it wouId have different conclusions written on it... that you could jump to." "MICHAEL:" "That is the worst idea I've ever heard in my Iife, Tom." "SAMIR:" "Yes." "Yes, it's horrible, this idea." "Uh, look..." "I gotta get outta here." "I'II see you guys later... if I still have a job." "MICHAEL:" "Yeah." "Our high school guidance counselor... used to ask us what you would do if you had a million dollars... didn't have to work... and whatever you'd say was supposed to be your career." "So if you wanted to fix old cars... then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic." "SAMIR:" "So what did you say?" "I never had an answer." "I guess that's why I'm working at Initech." "No." "You're working at Initech... 'cause that question is bullshit to begin with." "If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors... because no one would clean shit if they had a million dollars." "SAMIR:" "You know what I would do if I had a million dollars?" "I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds... and then take the other half to my friend AsaduIah... who works in securities" "MICHAEL:" "Samir." "Samir, you're missing the point." "The point of the exercise is you're supposed to figure out... what you would want to do if" ""PC load letter"?" "What the fuck does that mean?" "[Turns on television]" "LAWRENCE:" "Hey, Peter, man !" "Check out channel nine!" "Check out this chick!" "Damn it!" "Lawrence, can't you just pretend..." "like we can't hear each other through the wall?" "LAWRENCE:" "Oh, sorry, man !" "Anne over there or somethin'?" "No, but..." "If you want to talk to me, just come over." "Hey, man, check this out, dude." "ANNOUNCER:" "The key is early detection." "Tumors that are detected" "Aw, jeez, Lawrence." "LAWRENCE:" "Sorry, man." "I thought you'd want to see this." "Doesn't that chick look like Anne?" "Yeah." "A little bit." "I..." "Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while." "You two still goin' out?" "Yeah." "I guess." "I--I don't know." "Sometimes I get the feeling like she's cheating on me." "Yeah." "I get that feeling, too, man." "What do you mean by that?" "I don't know, man." "I just get that feeling Iookin' at her, Iike... she's the type of chick that just..." "Uhh." "Oh, I'm sorry, man." "Look, I--I" "You know, I'm talkin' outta my ass." "PETER:" "Forget it." "Don't worry." "It's all right." "Just--I had a rough day." "LAWRENCE:" "tell me about it, man." "Ohh..." "Ooh, I gotta wake my ass up... at six a.m. every day this week... drag up to Las GoIindas." "I'm doin' the drywall up there at the new McDonaId's." "Let me ask you something." "When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well... does anyone ever say to you..." ""Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays"?" "No." "No, man." "Shit, no, man." "You'd get your ass kicked, sayin' something like that, man." "PETER:" "Huh." "LAWRENCE:" "We still goin' fishin' this weekend?" "Ah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday." "I just know it." "LAWRENCE:" "well, you can get out of that easily." "PETER:" "Yeah?" "How?" "well... when a boss wants you to work on Saturday... he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?" "PETER:" "Yeah." "LAWRENCE:" "So all you gotta do is avoid him--that's all right..." "I got it--on the Iast few hours on Friday... duck out early... turn off your answering machine... you should be home free, man." "That's a really good idea." "Fuckin' "A," man." "Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?" "I'II tell you what I'd do, man." "Two chicks at the same time, man." "That's it?" "If you had a million dollars... you'd do two chicks at the same time?" "Damn straight." "I've always wanted to do that, man." "I think if I were a millionaire, I couId hook that up, too... 'cause chicks dig dudes with money." "well, not all chicks." "The type of chicks that would double up on a dude like me do." "Good point." "LAWRENCE:" "What about you, now?" "What would you do?" "Besides two chicks at the same time?" "well, yeah." "Nothing." "Nothin', huh?" "I would relax." "I would sit on my ass all day." "I would do nothing." "You don't need a million dollars to do nothin', man." "Take a look at my cousin." "He's broke, don't do shit." "NINA:" "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "Just a moment." "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "Just a moment." "Corporate accounts payable." "Nina speaking." "Just a moment." "BILL:" "So, you should ask yourself... with every decision you make..." ""Is this good for the company?" ""Am I helping with..."" "PETER:" "Is that the guy?" "TOM:" "Yeah." "We're screwed." "BILL:" "OK, then, um..." "I'd Iike to go ahead and welcome, uh... a new member to our team here." "This is, uh..." "Bob SIydeII." "Yeah." "Uh..." "Bob is a consultant." "Yeah." "He's gonna be sort of, uh... helping us out... a little here... asking some questions... maybe seeing if there are some ways... we can make things run a little more smoothly... around here." "Yeah." "Oh, and remember, next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day." "So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and, uh.... wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans." "And I said I don't care if they lay me off, either." "Because I told bill... that if they move my desk one more time... then I'm--I'm quitting." "I'm going to quit... and I told Dom, too... because they've moved my desk four times already this year... and I used to be over by the window... and I couId see the squirrels, and they were married... but then they switched from the SwingIine... to the Boston stapler, but I kept my SwingIine stapler... because it didn't bind up as much... and I kept the staples for the SwingIine stapler." "PETER:" "OK, milton." "MILTON:" "No, it's not OK, because if they make me" "If they take my stapler, then I'II--I'II--I'II" "I'II set the building on fire." "PETER:" "OK, well, that sounds great." "Uh, I'II talk to you later, all right?" "Bye." "MILTON:" "Peter" "BILL:" "Good-bye." "Come on." "Oh, for cryin'" "hello, Peter." "What's happening?" "Um..." "I'm gonna need you... to go ahead and come in tomorrow... so if you could be here around... nine, that would be great." "OK?" "Oh, oh, and I almost forgot." "Um..." "I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in... on Sunday, too, OK?" "We, um..." "lost some people this week... and, uh... we need to sort of play catch-up." "Thanks." "PETER:" "So I was sitting in my cubicle today... and I realized, ever since I started working, um... every single day of my Iife has been worse than... the day before it." "So that means that every single day that you see me... that's on the worst day of my Iife." "What about today?" "Is today the worst day of your life?" "Yeah." "Wow." "That's messed up." "I'm sorry." "Go on." "PETER:" "Is there any way that you could sort of... just zonk me out so that, Iike, I don't know... that I'm at work...in here?" "could I come home... and think that I've been fishing all day or something?" "That's...really not what I do, Peter." "Heh." "However... the good news is, I think I can help you." "I want you to do something for me, Peter." "I want you to try and relax." "I want you to relax every muscle in your body... beginning with your toes to your fingertips." "Now I want you to relax your legs." "You're beginning to feel your eyelids getting heavy... as you slip deeper and deeper... into a state of complete relaxation." "AII your cares and concerns are disappearing." "Deeper and deeper." "Way down." "Your concern about your job... melts away... way... way down." "Unh." "Now, when I count backwards from three... you'II be in a state of complete relaxation." "Your worries, cares, and inhibitions will be gone... and you will remain in that state... until I snap my fingers." "Three." "Deeper and deeper." "Way... way down." "Two." "Deeper and deeper..." "W-w-w-way down..." "[Labored breathing]" "Whu--whu" "One." "ANNE: [Gasps] Oh, my God !" "Dr. Swanson !" "Ew...ew..." "Is he breathing?" "call 91 1 !" "ANNE:" "Oh !" "Where's the phone?" "Where's the goddamn phone?" "!" "MAN SINGING:" "Dee dah dee-dee dee-dee" "Yah dee dee" "Dah dee-dee dah dee-dee dah dee" "Dee" "[Beeping]" "Ahh..." "[telephone rings]" "[Ring]" "[Beep]" "Yeah, hi, it's bill Lumbergh." "It's about... ten o'cIock." "Yeah." "Just, uh... wondering where you are." "[Ring]" "[Beep]" "Yeah." "Hi." "It's bill Lumbergh again." "Uh..." "I just wanted to make sure you knew... that we did start at the, uh... usual time this morning." "Yeah." "It isn't a half day or anything like that... so if you could just go ahead... and get here as soon as possible... that would be terrific." "PETER:" "Ahh..." "BILL:" "Yeah." "Hi." "It's bill Lum" "Yeah." "It's-- Yeah." "Hi." "It's bill Lumber" "Yeah." "It's me again." "Uh, I was away from my desk for a minute." "[telephone rings]" "Just checking in." "hello?" "ANNE:" "Peter, what's going on?" "PETER:" "Huh?" "ANNE:" "It's three-thirty." "Why aren't you at work?" "Because I--I" "I didn't feel like it." "ANNE:" "Peter, what's gotten into you?" "First, you just sit there while Dr. Swanson dies... then you walk out and embarrass me in front of my friends... and don't blame this on hypnosis, either." "That's total buII-- -[Hangs up]" "[telephone rings, machine beeps]" "ANNE:" "Listen, asshole." "Nobody hangs up on me." "We're through." "Oh, and one more thing..." "I've been cheating on you !" "[Anne hangs up, machine beeps]" "BILL:" "So, from now on, only use the new time sheets... if you've worked on two or more job codes in one day... and you need the extra columns to fit it all in." "Otherwise, use the old time sheets" "TOM:" "Where's Peter?" "I heard he didn't show up this weekend." "MICHAEL:" "Uh, I don't know." "BILL:" "...really, really help us out." "MICHAEL:" "Who's that guy?" "BILL:" "So, uh...any questions?" "Hi." "I'm Peter." "JOANNA:" "Hi." "Can I help you?" "PETER:" "What are you doin' for lunch today?" "Uh, well, our specials today are blackened chicken." "It's actually right there on the board." "Excuse me." "BRIAN:" "Hey, look who's back!" "table for three to" "PETER:" "I was askin' what you were doin' for lunch." "would you Iike to have lunch with me?" "Are you--are you serious?" "PETER:" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I--I don't think I'm supposed to do that." "Oh." "OK, well, I'II tell you what I'II do." "I'm gonna go next door and get a table... and if you'd Iike to join me, uh... no big deal, all right?" "And if not, that's cool, too." "OK?" "OK." "PETER:" "AII right." "JOANNA:" "When you say, "next door..."" "do you mean chili's or FIinger's?" "PETER:" "FIinger's." "JOANNA:" "OK." "What you do at Initech... is you take the specifications from the customers... and you bring them down to the software engineers?" "TOM:" "Yes." "Y-yes." "That's--that's right." "PORTER:" "well, then I just have to ask... why couldn't the customers... just take them directly to the software people, huh?" "TOM:" "well, I'II tell you why." "Uh, because... engineers are not good at dealing with customers." "SLYDELL:" "Uh-huh." "So... you physically take the specs from the customer?" "well... no." "My secretary does that or the fax." "SLYDELL:" "Huh." "PORTER:" "So then you must physically bring them... to the software people." "well... no." "I mean... sometimes." "SLYDELL:" "What--what would you say you do here?" "well, look, I already told you." "I deal with the goddamn customers... so the engineers don't have to." "I have people skills." "I am good at dealing with people!" "Can't you understand that?" "!" "What the hell is wrong with you people?" "!" "I" "SLYDELL:" "Let's see... you are..." "michael..." "bolton?" "Yeah." "PORTER:" "Is that your real name?" "MICHAEL:" "Yeah." "SLYDELL:" "Are you any relation to the pop singer?" "MICHAEL:" "No, it's--it's just a coincidence." "SLYDELL:" "Ha ha." "To be honest with you..." "I Iove his music." "I do." "I'm a michael bolton fan." "Me, too." "SLYDELL:" "For my money, I don't know if it gets any better... than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."" "But you must really love his music, huh?" "[Men laugh]" "Yeah, he's--he's... he's pretty-- he's pretty good, I guess." "You're goddamn right, he is." "[Men laugh]" "Right." "PORTER:" "So tell me, what's your favorite song of his?" "Mmm..." "[michael clears throat]" "I don't--I don't know." "Heh heh." "I mean, I guess I sort of like them all." "SLYDELL:" "That's a riot." "I'm the exact same way." "But it must be twice as hard for you... being you have the same name as him." "I celebrate the guy's entire catalog." "Anyway, Iet's get down to business, michael." "You know, you can just call me Mike." "Hi." "Hey." "I wonder if I'm allowed to, uh, wear this in here?" "I think it wouId be OK." "would you Iike to sit down?" "OK." "Ahh." "Wow!" "This place is really...nice." "Yeah." "Is it?" "JOANNA:" "Yeah, my God, compared to Chotchkie's!" "I Iike the uniforms better, anyways." "I Iike yours." "JOANNA:" "Ugh !" ""We're not in Kansas anymore."" "JOANNA:" "Yeah." "really." "Ha ha." "It's on your..." "Ohh !" "Yeah." "That's..." "That's, uh..." "That's one of my-- my pieces of flair." "PETER:" "What's a "piece of flair"?" "JOANNA:" "Oh, it's, uh, where, you know..." "like these suspenders and, uh, buttons, they're all sort of..." "We're actually required to wear... um, fifteen pieces of flair." "It's really stupid, actually." "Do you get to pick 'em yourself?" "JOANNA:" "Yeah, yeah, we do." "although I didn't actually choose these." "I just sort of grabbed, you know, fifteen buttons." "I don't even know what they say." "I don't really care." "I don't really like talking about my flair." "OK." "JOANNA:" "So, where do you, work, Peter?" "PETER:" "Initech." "JOANNA:" "And--Yeah?" "What--what do you do there?" "I sit in a cubicle... and I update bank software for the 2000 switch." "What's that?" "PETER:" "well, see, they wrote all this bank software... and, uh, to save space... they used two digits for the date instead of four." "So like 98 instead of 1998." "Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code... and, uh..." "It doesn't really matter." "I, uh, I don't like my job, and, uh..." "I don't think I'm gonna go anymore." "You're just not gonna go?" "PETER:" "Yeah." "Won't you get fired?" "I don't know." "But I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go." "So you're gonna quit?" "Nah-uh." "Not really." "Uh..." "I'm just gonna stop going." "PETER:" "What?" "Uh, when did you decide all that?" "PETER:" "About an hour ago." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "JOANNA:" "An hour ago." "So you're gonna get another job?" "I don't think I'd Iike another job." "well, what are you going to do about money and bills and" "You know, I've never really liked paying bills." "I don't think I'm gonna do that, either." "Ahh... well, so what do you want to do?" "I want to take you out to dinner... and then I want to go back to my apartment and watch "Kung Fu."" "Do you ever watch "Kung Fu"?" "I Iove "Kung Fu."" "channel 39." "totally." "PETER:" "You should come over and watch "Kung Fu" tonight." "OK." "Great." "OK." "Can we order lunch first?" "Yeah." "OK." "[mumbles]" "[inaudible conversation]" "BILL:" "Took a stapler off my desk..." "[Laughter]" "BILL:" "Anyway, sounds great, Bob." "See you in a few." "Hi, milton." "What's happening?" "MILTON:" "Nothing." "BILL:" "I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead... and move your desk again, so... if you could go ahead and get it as far back... against that wall as possible... that would be great." "MILTON:" "No, because I was" "BILL:" "That way, we'II have some room... for some of these boxes and things... we need to put in here, and, uh..." "Oh." "Oh, there it is." "Here, Iet me just go ahead and get that from you." "[milton moans]" "Great." "So if you could just get to that as soon as possible... that would be terrific, OK?" "Thanks a bunch, milton." "Good-bye." "[mumbles] OK." "I couId set the building on fire." "Peter." "michael." "What the hell's going on, man?" "I thought you'd come in here and start shooting." "No." "I just came to get my address book." "I'm not gonna stay." "I got a phone number, Mike, that I don't wanna lose." "MICHAEL:" "What?" "Peter, you're in deep shit." "You were supposed to come in Saturday." "What were you doing?" "PETER:" "michael, I did nothing." "I did absolutely nothing... and it was everything that I thought it could be." "MICHAEL:" "I hope you have a better story for Lumbergh." "You're supposed to be at your interview with the consultants." "PETER:" "The who?" "MICHAEL:" "The consultants." "What has gotten into you?" "PETER:" "Oh, yeah...right." "MICHAEL:" "Wait, Peter." "You gotta postpone it, man." "tell 'em you've been sick." "Make something up." "Oh, no way." "No, I feel great." "It's the best day of my Iife." "SLYDELL:" "Next batter looks like a Peter Gibbons." "PORTER:" "Uh-huh." "SLYDELL:" "Ah, there you are." "We were just talking about you." "You must be Peter Gibbons." "Uh-huh." "Terrific." "I'm Bob SIydeII." "This is my associate Bob Porter." "PETER:" "Oh, hi, Bob." "Bob." "SLYDELL:" "Grab a seat and join us for a minute or two." "You see, what we're actually trying to do here... is we're just, we're trying to get a feel... for how people spend their day at work." "So if you would... would you walk us through a typical day for you?" "Yeah." "Great." "PETER:" "well, I generally come in at Ieast fifteen minutes late." "Uh, I use the side door." "That way Lumbergh can't see me." "And after that, I just sort of space out for about an hour." "PORTER:" "Uh, "space out"?" "PETER:" "Yeah." "I just stare at my desk." "But it looks like I'm working." "I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too." "I'd say in a given week..." "I probably only do about fifteen minutes... of real, actual work." "SLYDELL:" "Peter, would you be a good sport... and indulge us and just... tell us a little more?" "Oh, yeah." "Let me tell you something about T.P.S. reports." "Ahh..." "The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy." "It's that I just don't care." "PORTER:" "Don't...don't care?" "It's a problem of motivation, all right?" "Now, if I work my ass off... and Initech ships a few extra units..." "I don't see another dime." "So where's the motivation?" "And here's something else, Bob..." "I have eight different bosses right now." "I beg your pardon?" "Eight bosses." "Eight?" "Eight, Bob." "So that means that when I make a mistake..." "I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it." "That's my only real motivation, is not to be hassled." "That and the fear of losing my job." "But you know, Bob... that'II only make someone work just hard enough... not to get fired." "SLYDELL:" "would you bear with me for just a second, please?" "PETER:" "OK." "SLYDELL:" "What if-- and believe me... this is strictly hypotheticaI-- but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option... equity-sharing program?" "would that do anything for you?" "I don't know." "I guess." "Listen, I'm gonna go." "Uh, it's been really nice talking to both of you guys." "Yes." "absolutely." "SLYDELL:" "pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me." "Good luck with your Iayoffs, all right?" "I hope your firings go really well." "OK." "Thanks a Iot." "SLYDELL:" "Great." "Wow." "BILL:" "So, Peter, what's happening?" "Listen, uh..." "STAN:" "Joanna, would you come here a minute, please?" "JOANNA:" "Yeah." "I'm sorry I was late, but I was having lunch, and I, uh..." "STAN:" "We need to talk about your flair." "JOANNA:" "really?" "I--I have fifteen pieces on." "I also..." "STAN:" "well, fifteen is the minimum, OK?" "JOANNA:" "Oh." "OK." "STAN:" "Now, you know, it's up to you whether or not... you want to just do the bare minimum or..." "well, Iike Brian, for example... has thirty-seven pieces of flair on today." "And a terrific smile." "OK, so you want me to wear more?" "Look, Joanna..." "Yeah?" "people can get a cheeseburger anywhere, OK?" "They come to Chotchkie's for the atmosphere and the attitude." "OK?" "that's what the flair's about." "It's about fun." "Yeah." "OK, so more then, yeah?" "Look, we want you to express yourself, OK?" "Now if you feel that the bare minimum is enough, then, OK... but some people choose to wear more... and we encourage that, OK?" "You do want to express yourself, don't you?" "Y-yeah." "OK, great, great." "That's all I ask." "OK." "SLYDELL:" "Right, so there's three more people... we can easily lose." "Then there's Tom Smykowski." "He's useless." "Gone." "DOM:" "Sounds good to me." "SLYDELL:" "Here's a peculiar..." "Uh, milton Waddams." "Who's he?" "PORTER:" "You know, squirreIIy looking guy." "MumbIes a Iot." "DOM:" "Oh, yeah." "SLYDELL:" "We--we can't actually find a record... of him being a current employee here." "PORTER:" "I Iooked into it more deeply... and I found that apparently what happened... is that he was laid off five years ago... and no one ever told him about it... but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department... he still gets a paycheck." "So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch." "BILL:" "Great." "DOM:" "So, uh, milton has been let go?" "SLYDELL:" "Just a second there, professor." "We, uh, we fixed the glitch." "So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore." "So it'II just work itself out naturally." "PORTER:" "We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible." "The problem is solved from your end." "[Laughter]" "SLYDELL:" "I'd Iike to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons." "Now, we had a chance to meet this young man... and, boy, that's just a straight shooter... with upper management written all over him." "Eech." "Ooh." "Yeah." "Um..." "I'm going to have to go ahead... and sort of disagree with you there." "Yeah, uh, he's been real flaky lately... and I'm just not sure that he's the caliber person... that we would want for upper management." "He's also been having some problems... with his T.P.S. reports." "PORTER:" "I'II handle this." "We feel... that the problem isn't with Peter." "SLYDELL:" "Mm-mmm." "PORTER:" "It's that you haven't challenged him enough... to get him really motivated." "SLYDELL:" "There it is." "Yeah..." "Ah, well..." "I'm just not sure about that right now." "SLYDELL:" "Yeah, bill, Iet me ask you a real quick question here." "How much time would you say you spend each week... dealing with these T.P.S. reports?" "Yeah..." "GETO BOYS RAPPING:" "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta" "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta" "A real gangsta ass nigger plays his cards right" "A real gangsta ass nigger never runs his mouth" "'Cause real gangsta ass niggers don't start fights" "And niggers always gotta hide here" "Showin' all his boys how we shot 'em" "real gangsta ass niggers don't flex nuts" "'Cause real gangsta ass niggers know they got 'em" "And everything is cool in the mind of a gangsta" "'Cause gangsta ass niggers think deep" "Up three-sixty-five and twenty-four-seven" "real gangsta ass niggers don't sleep" "And all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonna-be cootchie-eatin', jeaIous-hearted pranksters..." "[alarm blaring]" "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta" "LAWRENCE:" "Hey, Peter, man !" "Check out channel nine." "It's the breast exams." "Whoo!" "GETO BOYS RAPPING:" "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta" "DOM:" "Hi, Peter." "PETER:" "Oh, hi, Dom." "GETO BOYS RAPPING:" "although I was born in Jamaica" "Now I'm in the U.S. making deals" "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta" "I mean, one that you don't really know" "Riding around town in a drop top Benz" "Hittin' switches in my black six-four" "Now gangsta ass niggers come in all shapes and colors" "Some got killed in the past" "But this gangsta here was a smart one" "Started living for the Lord and not laughs" "Now all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonna-be crumb snatching', cootchie-eatin' pranksters" "When the Grim Reaper steps up" "What the hell you gonna do?" "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta" "BILL:" "So..." "Peter... what's happening?" "Ahh, now, are you going to go ahead... and have those T.P.S. reports for us this afternoon?" "PETER:" "No." "Ahh...yeah..." "So I guess we should probably go ahead... and have a little talk, hmm?" "PETER:" "Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm--I'm kinda busy." "In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead." "Just come back another time." "I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes." "BILL:" "Uh, I wasn't aware of a meeting with them." "PETER:" "Yeah, they called me at home." "BILL:" "That sounds good, Peter." "And, uh, we'II go ahead and... get this all fixed up for you." "Great." "[mumbles]" "Hi, milton." "What's happening?" "[mumbles]" "I--I didn't receive my paycheck this week." "Uh, you're going to have to talk to payroll about that." "I did and they said" "BILL:" "MiIt, we're gonna go ahead... and move you downstairs into storage "B."" "No, I--I..." "BILL:" "New people are coming, and we need the space." "MILTON:" "But there's no space" "BILL:" "So if you could go ahead and pack your stuff... and move it down there... that would be terrific." "OK?" "MILTON:" "Uh, excuse me..." "I believe you have my stapler, please." "Hmm." "PORTER:" "You've been missing a Iot of work lately." "PETER:" "I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob." "PORTER:" "Good one." "SLYDELL:" "Oh, that's terrific, Peter." "I'm sure you've--you've heard some of the rumors... circulating around the hallways... about how we're going to do a little "housecleaning..."" "with some software people." "well, Bob, I have heard that." "You gotta do what you gotta do." "PORTER:" "We'II be getting rid of these people." "First, Mr. Samir Naga..." "SLYDELL:" "Naga..." "PORTER:" "Naga-gonna work here anymore, anyway." "And Mr. Mike BoIton." "Nobody's gonna miss him." "You're gonna Iayoff Samir and michael?" "PORTER:" "Yeah." "We're gonna bring in some entry-IeveI graduates." "Farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal." "SLYDELL:" "It's standard operating procedure." "PETER:" "Do they know this yet?" "SLYDELL:" "No." "No, of course not." "We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday." "Studies have statistically shown... there's less chance of an incident... if you do it at the end of the week." "Peter, what we'd Iike to do is put you into position... to have as many as four people... working right underneath you." "This is a big promotion, Pete." "So you're going to fire michael and Samir... and give me more money?" "SLYDELL:" "Uh-huh." "Wow!" "MICHAEL:" "Hmm." "Yeah." "That's it." "That's exactly what I need." "Give it to me." "Come on, you little fucker, Iet's go." "That's what I need." "Let's do that." "Let's do exactly that, you little fuck" "michael." "Hey." "PETER:" "Listen to me." "What are you doing tonight?" "PETER:" "michael, there comes a point in a man's life... and maybe that time for you is now... when it doesn't hurt to start thinking about the future." "Uh, no offense there, Peter... but speak for yourself there, sport." "I'm not the one who's been fIakin' out at work." "I know you had this religious experience or whatever... but get your shit together, or you're gonna get canned." "Yeah, and, uh, and I--Listen..." "That virus you're always talking about... the one that could rip off the company... for a bunch of money." "Yeah, what about it?" "well, how does it work?" "It's pretty brilliant." "What it does is every time there's a bank transaction... where interest is computed-- there are thousands a day-- the computer ends up with these fractions of a cent... which it usually rounds off." "What this does is it takes those little remainders... and puts it into an account." "This sounds familiar." "They did it in "Superman III."" "PETER:" "Right, uh..." "MICHAEL:" "An underrated movie, actually." "There were hackers that did it in the seventies as well." "So they check for this now." "No, here's the thing." "Initech's so backed up with all the software we're updating... they'd never notice." "You're right." "Even if they wanted to, they couldn't check all that code." "MICHAEL:" "Thumbs up their asses." "Thumbs up their asses." "PETER:" "So, michael, what's to stop you from doing this?" "It's not worth the risk." "I got a good job." "What if you didn't have a good job?" "MICHAEL:" "Cock gobbIers!" "Samir and I are the best programmers they got." "You haven't been showin' up, and you get to keep your job." "actually, I'm being promoted." "What?" "!" "I know, michael." "It's completely unfair." "And I realized something today." "It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing." "It's about all of us together." "I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist." "Maybe it was just shock, and it's wearing off now... but when I saw that fat man keel over and die..." "michael, we don't have a Iot of time on this earth." "We weren't meant to spend it this way." "Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles... staring at computer screens all day... filling out useless forms... and listening to eight different bosses... drone on about mission statements." "I told those fudgepackers I liked michael bolton's music." "Ohh." "That is not right, michael." "For five years now, you've worked your ass off... hoping for a promotion, profit sharing, or something." "Five years... of your mid-twenties now gone." "And you're gonna go in tomorrow... they're gonna throw you out on the street." "You know why?" "So bill Lumbergh's stock will go up a quarter of a point." "Ugh." "michael, Iet's make that stock go down... and let's take enough money out of that place... so that we never have to sit in a cubicle ever again." "Your software works, right?" "Of course it works." "That's not the point." "Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how to install it." "I don't know the credit union's software well enough." "OK?" "Yeah." "But Samir does." "SAMIR:" "But that's not much money." "PETER:" "That's the beauty of it." "Each withdrawal, it's a fraction of a cent, too small to notice." "But you take a few thousand withdrawals a day... you space it out over a couple of years... that's a few hundred thousand dollars." "It's like "Superman III."" "SAMIR: "Superman III"?" "I have to leave now." "I have to get my résumé ready." "PETER:" "For another job where they can fire you for no reason?" "SAMIR:" "That's right." "If I'm lucky." "I'm tired of being pushed around." "Aren't you?" "Yes, but I'm not going to do anything illegal." "illegal?" "Samir, this is America." "Come on." "Sit down." "Come on." "This isn't Riyadh." "They're not going to saw your hands off here." "The worst they'd do is put you for a couple of months... into a white-coIIar, minimum-security resort." "Shit, we should be so lucky." "They have conjugal visits there." "really?" "Yes." "MICHAEL:" "Shit!" "I'm a free man." "I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months." "So what do you think?" "This thing is actually pretty faiI-safe, Samir." "PETER:" "Samir?" "You came here looking for a land of opportunity." "And this is the knock of that opportunity." "Tomorrow is your last day at Initech." "You have two options-- unemployment or early retirement." "What's it gonna be?" "I have a question." "Yes?" "In this conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?" "Yep, you sure can." "OK, I'II do it." "PETER:" "That's what I'm taIkin' about when I talk about America !" "Can we discuss the plan?" "OK, yeah, good, right." "It works like a computer virus." "AII we do is load it into the credit union's mainframe." "It'II do the rest." "PETER:" "Get me that disk, and I'II take it from there." "Before we go any further, all right?" "We have to swear to God, allah... that nobody knows about this but us, all right?" "No family members, no girlfriends." "Nobody." "Of course." "Agreed." "LAWRENCE:" "Don't worry, man !" "I won't tell anyone, either." "What the fuck is that?" "Don't worry." "He's cool." "PETER:" "AII right." "Here's how I see it all going down." "SLYDELL:" "Peter, congratulations." "This is one heck of a promotion." "PETER:" "Thank you, Bob." "PORTER:" "We'II get some people under you right away." "ICE CUBE RAPPING:" "I got something for your mind" "Your body and your soul" "I got something for your mind" "Your body and your soul" "[Bang bang]" "ICE CUBE RAPPING:" "Here comes the big-headed naked ass dippin'" "Sippin' on Crevassier" "Goddamn, I must have the floss today" "Now, pimpin' ain't easy" "But it's necessary" "So I'm chasin' bitches like Tom chases Jerry" "I put the pedal to the floor" "In my two-tone Ford explorer" "You know how it's done" "SIammin', bumpin'" "Make that somethin' jump on the one-ten" "She's flyin' in the blazer" "Like no Speed Racer" "But I ain't gonna chase her" "Like Racer X" "But I won't flex" "till it's time to have sex" "So when you want to get together?" "'Cause you know a nigger like me is down for whatever" "[Bang]" "MICHAEL:" "That was easy." "Yeah, I guess it was." "What'd you do with the" "DREW:" "Hey, man." "PETER:" "Oh, hey, Drew." "You guys hear about Tom Smykowski?" "That he got laid off?" "No, man, check it out." "Last week, after he found out he was getting laid off... he tries to kill himself by running the car in the garage." "PETER:" "Is he dead?" "DREW:" "No, man, check it out." "His wife comes home early and catches him." "DREW:" "He tries to play it off like nothing happened." "TOM:" "I was having some trouble with the shifter here." "It's jammed." "I--I couldn't get it into drive." "I--I--I mean, reverse." "You OK, Tom?" "DREW:" "Then as he's lookin' at her... he decides he wants to live." "TOM:" "Yeah, I think I'm OK." "Right." "Seems to be working now." "See you later, honey." "Love ya." "DREW:" "But as soon as he backs out of his driveway..." "Bam !" "He gets slammed big-time by a drunk driver." "Is he OK?" "Sort of." "Broke both his wrists, legs, a couple of ribs, his back... but he's getting a huge settlement out of this." "Like seven figures." "He's getting out of the hospital tomorrow." "He's throwing a big party this weekend to celebrate." "We're all invited." "I'm thinking I might take that new chick from logistics." "Things go well, I might be showing her my "Oh" face." "Oh, oh, oh..." "You know what I'm talking about." "Oh." "Yeah." "Right." "See you guys there." "MICHAEL:" "Wow, our last day at Initech." "SAMIR:" "I can't believe they had security escort us out." "It's not Iike we're going to steal something." "I stole something." "Oh, yeah." "I guess we all did." "PETER:" "No, I stole something else." "What did you steal?" "call it a going-away present." "GETO BOYS RAPPING:" "Back up in your ass with the resurrection" "Is the group harder than an erection" "That shows no affection" "They want to ban us on capitol hill" "'Cause it's die, motherfuckers" "Die, motherfuckers" "Nothing but the ghetto" "Taking drugs, step slow" "Kept my head low" "And never let go" "'Cause if I let go, then I'd be spineless" "I'm going insane" "My mind, yes, goes out of control" "On some subjects motherfuckers read on" "I done the shit that they believe in" "I see this motherfucker's nine smokin'" "I seen this" "I bet you motherfuckers will, too" "Because it's die, motherfucker" "Die, motherfucker" "Die, motherfucker, die, motherfucker" "Die, motherfucker, die, motherfucker" "Die, motherfucker, die, motherfucker" "Die, motherfuckers, die, motherfuckers" "Die, motherfucker, die, motherfucker" "Die, motherfuckers, die, motherfuckers" "Die, motherfucker, die, motherfucker" "I think it's something in the water" "I think it's something in the water" "So good to be free again" "With unity for men" "I walk around town with a frown on my face" "The whole world gonna catch a murder case" "The murder rate may decrease" "If you're caught up in the world while it's dying" "I guarantee you'II fry, 'cause I am" "On the verge of knocking motherfuckers out" "For no reason" "Once I get down, there'II be no breathin'" "MICHAEL:" "Who's got my keys?" "SAMIR:" "I'm driving." "PETER:" "Everything is gonna be OK." "AII right?" "OK?" "It's fun, and it's exciting." "I gotta--I gotta go." "AII right?" "Joanna's coming over." "Don't worry." "You're worrying." "AII right?" "Monday morning, we're gonna check the account balance." "Everything will be OK." "Don't miss Tom's barbecue." "I'II see you there." "AII right?" "Good night!" "[Rapping] Back up in your ass with the resurrection" "What were you guys celebrating last night?" "Oh, um..." "I'm not really at liberty to talk about it." "I really can't." "So, when the subroutine compounds the interest... it uses all these extra decimal places... that just get rounded off." "So we simplified the whole thing... and we round 'em all down and drop the remainder... into an account that we opened." "So you're stealing?" "Uh, no." "No, you don't understand." "It's, uh, very complicated." "It's, uh..." "It's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny... and, uh, over time, they add up to a Iot." "Oh, OK." "So you're gonna make a Iot of money, right?" "Yeah." "Right." "It's not yours?" "Uh...well, it becomes ours." "How is that not stealing?" "I don't think I'm explaining this very well." "Um, the 7-EIeven, right?" "You'd take a penny from the tray." "From the crippled children?" "No, that's the jar." "I'm talking about the tray-- the pennies for everybody." "Oh, for everybody." "OK." "Yeah." "well, those are whole pennies." "I'm just talking about fractions of a penny, OK?" "But we do it from a much bigger tray... and we do it a couple of million times." "So what's wrong with that?" "I don't know." "It just seems wrong." "PETER:" "It's not wrong." "Initech is wrong." "Initech is an evil corporation, all right?" "Chotchkie's is wrong." "Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning... and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?" "Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start... taking money from the register." "well, maybe you should." "The Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear." "What?" "Look, we don't..." "I'm" "We don't have to talk about this now." "Let's just go to the barbecue, all right?" "TOM:" "michael, Samir, how you doin'?" "Hey, Tom." "hello, Tom." "I'd Iike you to meet my Iawrer Rob Newhouse." "Rob, michael." "Samir." "Peter!" "How are you?" "I'm glad you could make it." "PETER:" "Tom, hi." "This is somebody I'd Iike you to meet." "This is, uh, Joanna." "Hi." "Hi." "Forgive me for not getting up." "[Laughing]" "[Coughing] Ooh, ooh." "Peter, come here a minute." "I wanna show you something." "well...what do you think?" "It's a prototype." "PETER:" "Huh...that's... that's exactly as you described it." "Uh, listen, I heard about your--your settlement." "congratulations." "well, thanks, Peter." "You know, I'm glad you're here, because I wanted to talk to you." "I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and..." "I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel." "I used to be the same way." "really?" "Sure." "Maybe I didn't whine as much." "But I bet I hated my job even more than you... and I'd been doing it for over thirty years." "Wow." "Just remember, if you hang in there long enough... good things can happen in this world." "I mean, look at me." "Thanks, Tom." "TOM:" "Ah, sure." "[Music playing]" "ROB:" "ConjugaI visits?" "Not that I know of." "Minimum-security prison is no picnic." "I have a client in there right now." "He says the trick is... kick someone's ass the first day... or become someone's bitch." "Then everything will be all right." "Why do you ask, anyway?" "MICHAEL:" "Oh, no, we just" "SAMIR:" "It's a..." "Hey, Peter." "Drew." "That's something about old Smykowski, huh?" "Yeah." "Lucky bastard." "DREW:" "Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?" "PETER:" "Yep." "Who's she here with?" "She's with me." "really?" "Yep." "AII right, Peter." "Ooh, ooh, right on." "Make sure you wear a rubber, dude." "Why's that, Drew?" "Are you kidding me?" "She gets around." "AII right?" "She does, does she?" "Oh, yeah, Iike a record." "PETER:" "Like with who?" "Oh, Iet's see, uh..." "hell, Lumbergh fucked her." "Uh, Iet me see, who else?" "Lumbergh?" "JOANNA:" "What if you get caught?" "Oh, I just don't know if this was such a good idea." "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for you to sleep with Lumbergh." "What?" "What are you" "Oh, right, Lumbergh." "Aah !" "Oh..." "God..." "Lumbergh !" "Peter, what is wrong with you?" "That was, Iike, two years ago." "What?" "Did you know him?" "Yeah, I know him." "I know him." "He's my boss." "He's my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss." "Oh, he's not that disgusting." "PETER:" "He represents all that is soulless and wrong... and you slept with him." "Hey, that is none of your business, OK?" "I didn't ask you who you slept with before we were together." "I don't care." "I didn't think you slept with guys like Lumbergh !" "Listen to you." "Who do you think you are?" "How dare you judge me?" "I mean, what are you?" "You think you're an angel?" "No, you're just this penny-steaIing... wannabe criminal man." "Yeah, well, that may be." "But at Ieast I never slept with Lumbergh." "OK, that's..." "I'm done." "I wanna get out of the car, OK?" "Stop." "call me when you grow up." "Wait." "That's probably never gonna happen." "So don't call me, OK?" "Say hello to Lumbergh for me!" "hell, Lumbergh fucked her." "Lumbergh fucked her." "Lumbergh fucked her." "That is great." "I mean, she was seeing the "Oh" face for sure." "Ohh, ohh, ohh." "Ooh." "If you could just move a little bit to the Ieft." "That's it." "Great." "Peter, what's happening?" "Um, could you give me those T.P.S. reports ASAP, OK?" "Oh !" "Joanna." "Yeah." "We need to talk." "Do you know what this is about?" "My, uh, flair?" "Yeah." "Or your lack of flair, because, uh..." "I'm counting, and I only see fifteen pieces." "Let me ask you a question, Joanna." "What do you think of a person who only does the bare minimum?" "Huh, what do I think?" "Um, you know what, Stan... if you want me to wear thirty-seven pieces of flair..." "like your, uh, pretty boy over there, Brian... why don't you just make the minimum... thirty-seven pieces of flair?" "well, I thought I remembered you saying... that you wanted to express yourself." "JOANNA:" "Yeah." "You know what?" "Yeah, I do." "I do want to express myself." "And I don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it." "AII right?" "There's my flair." "OK?" "And this is me expressing myself." "OK?" "There it is." "I hate this job." "I hate this goddamn job, and I don't need it." "Oh, shit." "Shit." "Shit." "Shit." "Son of a bitch." "Shit." "This is a fuck." "SAMIR:" "I--I..." "Shit." "MICHAEL:" "What happened?" "PETER:" "You tell me, michael!" "It's your software!" "SAMIR:" "Yes, it's your software." "PETER:" "Corporate accounting is sure as hell gonna notice... three hundred five thousand, three hundred.... twenty-six thirteen, michael!" "SAMIR:" "Oh, shit." "MICHAEL:" "They probably won't know it's gone... for another three or four days." "michael!" "You said this thing was gonna take two years." "What happened?" "You said the thing was supposed to work!" "MICHAEL:" "technically, it did work." "No, it didn't!" "SAMIR:" "It did not work, michael, OK?" "MICHAEL:" "OK." "I must have put a decimal point in the wrong place or something." "I always do that." "I always mess up some mundane detail." "Oh !" "well, this is not a mundane detail, michael!" "MICHAEL:" "Quit getting pissed at me." "This was all your idea, asshole." "AII right." "OK." "Let's try not to get pissed off at each other." "Let's calm down, try to figure this thing out together." "We gotta close that account before it gets bigger." "WORKERS SINGING:" "Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday, Mr. Lumbergh" "Happy birthday to you" "BILL:" "Looks terrific." "Mmm." "Here, Peg, you wanna get everybody started?" "Mmm." "Oh, that is terrific." "Just terrific." "Thanks, everybody." "I really, really appreciate it." "It's very special." "NINA:" "Now, milton, don't be greedy." "Let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece." "MILTON:" "But last time I didn't receive a piece and I was toId" "Just pass." "OK, here." "But this..." "The cake..." "There's lots of cake?" "The ratio of people to cake is too big." "[mumbles] I couId set the building on fire." "Is there some way to just give the money back?" "Hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing?" "I--I think they'd figure that out." "well, we have to do something." "Maybe we could launder the money." "That's a great idea." "OK, how do we do that?" "I don't know." "I don't even know what it means." "I was hoping you knew." "I think coke dealers do it." "OK, all right." "Do we know any coke dealers?" "My cousin's a cokehead." "Fuck." "We're in deep shit." "Yes, we are in very, very deep shit." "milton." "Yes." "BILL:" "What's happening?" "Say, milton, you know what'd be great?" "MILTON:" "But...no." "BILL:" "Since you're down here... it wouId be really great if you could just sort of... take care of the cockroach problem we've had in here." "That's really not my job, and I haven't received my paycheck..." "For now, why don't you go ahead... and get yourself a flashlight and a can of pesticide... and crawl down" "DOM:" "bill?" "We need you upstairs right away." "We got a big probIem--big." "Some major glitch in accounting, a Iot of money missing." "'Scuse me." "'Scuse me." "[Door closes]" "OK...but that's the Iast straw." "Here we go, here we go." "Uh, Iaunder." ""To clean," no. "To wash--"" ""To conceal the source of money..." ""as by channeling it through an intermediary."" ""To conceal..."" "SAMIR:" "That doesn't really help us, michael." "PETER:" "I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are." "We're looking up money laundering in a dictionary." "Yeah, well, you guys can both eat my ass, OK?" "I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh." "That's what I can't believe." "Yeah." "You didn't know that?" "Yeah, you didn't know that?" "MICHAEL:" "A couple of years ago, before he moved to atlanta." "You mean Ron Lumbergh, the Initrode guy?" "The young guy?" "Yeah." "Who'd you think I meant?" "bill?" "Her fucking--Her children would have hooves." "Ron's not related to bill, is he?" "[Knock on door]" "SAMIR:" "Who's that?" "AII right, nobody panic." "probably just Lawrence." "Good evening, sir." "My name is Steve." "I come from a rough area." "I used to be addicted to crack... but now I'm off and trying to stay clean." "That is why I'm selling magazine subscriptions." "No, no." "Wait a minute." "MICHAEL:" "You used to be addicted to crack?" "Yeah." "Um..." "Look, I'm very sorry." "I do not know anything about any money laundering." "MICHAEL:" "We're not asking you about money laundering." "AII we need is for you to hook us" "PETER:" "If he doesn't know anybody" "SAMIR:" "No." "Wait a minute." "Look, you just give us the name of one drug dealer." "I couId talk to him." "I have good networking skill." "STEVE:" "I lied." "AII that stuff I said about being a crackhead... just helps me sell magazines." "I'm actually an unemployed software engineer." "You're a software engineer?" "Yep." "Things, they must be very rough for you." "actually, man..." "I make more money selling magazine subscriptions... than I ever did at Initrode." "Heh." "At Initrode?" "Wait a minute, you're not gonna tell anybody... about all this stuff we told you." "I mean, we know a Iot of the same people." "That's..." "actually, um, that all depends." "What am I gonna do with forty subscriptions to "Vibe"?" "MICHAEL:" "We never should have done this." "What were we thinking?" "You know what I can't figure out?" "How is it that all these stupid NeanderthaI Mafia guys... can be so good at crime... and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it?" "SAMIR:" "We're new to it, though." "If we had more experience..." "No." "You know what I think?" "I think we're screwed." "I think there's enough evidence... all over that building to link us to this." "Even if we could launder money, I wouldn't want to." "What we've done is bad enough." "We get caught Iaundering money... we're not going to white-coIIar resort prison." "No." "We're going to federal "pound me in the ass" prison." "SAMIR:" "I don't want to go to any prison." "Why the hell did I do this?" "I've never done anything wrong in my whole life." "We weren't thinking clearly... because you told us we were losing our jobs." "Now look at us, we're worried about going in a prison." "Don't worry about it." "I'II think of something." "[Hisses]" "I'm going home." "Me, too." "You are a very..." "bad person, Peter." "[Knocks]" "Lawrence, you awake?" "LAWRENCE:" "Yeah." "You wanna come over?" "LAWRENCE:" "No, thanks, man." "I don't want you fucking up my Iife, too." "[Crickets chirping]" "In light of the senselessness of these heinous crimes... that you have committed against Initech..." "I hereby sentence you, michael bolton... and Samir Naan--Nanadajibad... to a term of no less than four years... in a federal "pound me in the ass" prison." "Peter Gibbons... you've led a trite and meaningless life... and you're a very bad person." "[Bang]" "Hey." "You're not working at Chotchkie's anymore, huh?" "JOANNA:" "No, no." "I got fired." "What happened?" "I flipped off my boss." "JOANNA:" "Some customers..." "actually, a line cook... but he just happened to be standing there, so..." "I might be going away for a while." "Uh...to jail." "You were right about that computer scam." "That was a bad idea." "I'm gonna take the blame for it, I decided." "I'm on my way now to return the money... and leave the confession under Lumbergh's door." "Joanna, I want to apologize." "I had no right to get pissed off at you about Lumbergh." "Lumbergh is not my problem." "It wasn't even the right Lumbergh." "I don't know why I can't just..." "go to work and be happy..." "like I'm supposed to, Iike everybody else." "Peter, most people don't like their jobs." "But you go out there and find something that makes you happy." "Yeah." "well..." "I may never be happy at my job... but I think that if I couId be with you... that I couId be happy with my Iife." "I've been a real asshole." "But, if you'd give it another shot, I promise" "OK, shut up." "BRIAN:" "Whoa !" "Hey, what's going on here?" "Get a room, you two!" "Ha ha !" "I hate that guy." "MILTON:" "Then Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll... and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh." "And I still haven't received my paycheck." "And he took my stapler, and he never brought it back." "And then they moved my desk to storage room "B."" "And there was garbage on it, and" "Why don't you go back down and sit at your desk?" "Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute." "Mr." "Lumbergh" "Just go sit at your desk." "OK." "But, I--I'm gonna just..." "[mumbling]" "I have to take my stapler back... because I told him it's my stapler." "It's my stapler." "A SwingIine, the brand I've been using for a Iong time." "[Knocks]" "Lawrence, you in there?" "Whoa." "Hey, Peter, man." "PETER:" "Hey." "So, I might be going away for a while." "LAWRENCE:" "Yeah, I know, man." "It's a bummer, dude." "What can I say?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "well, time to go face the music." "You take care of yourself if I don't see you, all right?" "You too, man." "Take her easy, bud." "AII right." "Hey, Peter." "Yeah?" "Watch out for your cornhole, bud." "OK, Lawrence." "[Sirens]" "MAN:" "Stay clear, now." "Stay clear." "PETER:" "holy shit." "PETER:" "Wait a minute." "Let me take a look at that." "You don't want that, Peter, man." "That's toasted, man." "PETER:" "I think I know someone who might want this." "[Honk honk]" "Hey, man." "Wanna go to lunch?" "PETER:" "Brought mine in a paiI... plus Joanna's supposed to come by a little later." "SAMIR:" "How do you Iike your new job?" "PETER:" "Not too bad, not too bad." "How's Penetrode?" "MICHAEL:" "Initrode." "They're all right." "SAMIR:" "It's work." "PETER:" "Yeah, yeah." "MICHAEL:" "probably get you a job there." "PETER:" "No, thanks." "I, uh..." "I'm doing good here." "So, uh..." "we're gonna be OK, right?" "Yeah." "I think the fire pretty much took care of everything." "I wonder if the money burn up." "It would be shame." "Yeah." "SAMIR:" "So you sure you don't want us to get you a job?" "That's one thing I'm definitely sure of." "MICHAEL:" "AII right, chief." "PETER:" "You guys take care, all right?" "MICHAEL:" "AII right." "Stay in touch, man." "PETER:" "OK." "will do." "PETER:" "This isn't so bad, huh?" "Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside." "Fuckin' "A."" "Fuckin' "A."" "MILTON:" "Excuse me." "Excuse me, señor." "May I speak to you, please?" "I asked for a mai tai, and they brought a piña colada." "And I said no salt, no salt... for the margarita, but it had salt on it." "Lo siento mucho, señor." "Pinche gringo." "I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I couId..." "I couId shut this whole resort down." "Sir?" "I'II take my traveler's checks to a competing resort." "I couId write a letter to your board of tourism." "I couId have this place condemned." "I couId put, I couId put strychnine in the guacamole." "There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt." "There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt." "DREW:" "Give a ride on the old bone roller coaster." "Aaaah !" "CANIBUS RAPPING:" "Yeah" "Yo, 6:00 every morning, you're waking up yawnin'" "To the sound of your alarm clock aIarmin'" "About an hour from now" "You should be at your place of employment" "Which is annoyin' 'cause it's so borin'" "You coworkers are talking" "LAWRENCE:" "Don't come back in a dress, man." "Ha ha ha." "You big fag." "CANIBUS RAPPING:" "You wonder why your workload is so enormous" "'Cause your boss just laid off 3/4 of the whole office" "people get depressed, they get ulcers" "From the stress that the corporate environment causes" "regardless of how you ultimately wanna solve this" "Seems to me like you've got one of four choices" "You can take a new job offer for more chips" "Stick it out a little longer or forfeit" "But my advice to anybody" "JOANNA:" "I'm working at Hooters now, you know... and it's very cool." "BIZ MARKIE SINGING:" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "Take this job and shove it" "CANIBUS RAPPING:" "Just shove it, take this job and shove it" "BIZ MARKIE SINGING:" "Take this job, take this job take this job and shove it, shove it" "CANIBUS RAPPING:" "Yo, if your boss is a S.O.B." "tell him to s-h-o-v-e the j-o-b" "Put your middle finger up slowly" "Put it close enough to his face so he can examine it closely" "Say "I ain't working here no more" ""Who do you think you are?"" "Whip the apron off, throw it on the floor" "Run to the door, to the pay phone, make a toII-free call" "tell your stocks what happened and where you are" "So they can come and get you in the car later on" "And help you search for a new nine-to-five job" "If the unemployment line ain't that long" "You can take your time filling out W-9 forms" "eventually, you'II get on if you try hard enough" "And you get money if you keep punching your time card enough" "Maybe you hate it, maybe you love it" "But if you hate it, all you gotta do" "Is get mad and tell your boss to" "BIZ MARKIE SINGING:" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "Take this job, take this job, take this job and shove it" "CANIBUS RAPPING:" "Yo, so mind your patience or like slave gigs" "The boss' favorite to get placed in something spacious" "while the most hated get placed" "In some small cubicle spaces" "Or get thrown down in the basement" "Get your stapler confiscated, you constantly waitin'" "For a paycheck, twelve months pass by" "And you still ain't get paid yet" "Here's an optimistic motto" "If you ever late for today" "You can stay early for tomorrow" "Most nine-to-fives are hard" "'Cause the description of the job" "Ain't no picnic in the park" "people get hired, drink coffee to stay wired" "So they don't get tired, sleep late, and get fired" "BIZ MARKIE RAPPING:" "You came in late, you already ate" "Now, you want to take a lunch break?" "CANIBUS RAPPING:" "Yo, bust it, ain't no need to discuss it" "Just take this job and shove it right between your buttocks" "BIZ MARKIE SINGING:" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "Take this job, take this job" "Take this job and shove it" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "A-a-ah a-a-a-a-ah" "I ain't working here no more" "Take this job and shove it" "I ain't working here no more" "Ay-ya ya-ya-ya, I ain't working here no more" "CANIBUS RAPPING:" "Just shove it" "BIZ MARKIE SINGING:" "Canibus and the Biz" "Ah-aah aah-ah" "It's coming from Canibus and the Biz" "It's coming from Canibus and the Biz" "From, from Canibus and the Bi-i-i-iz"