"(barking orders)" "(crowd cheering)" "(men grumbling quietly)" "What was that score we lost by?" "I couldn't keep up with it." "68 to nothing." "68 to nothing." "You'd think they'd at least give us one point for showing up." "What was wrong with you guys out there, after all the coaching I gave you?" "!" "There was something big happening out there!" "Something more important than just the morale of Company "B"" "or to prove that the American soldier fights to the end." "We had money on this game!" "HENSHAW: 75 bucks of the platoon's welfare fund was fumbled away this afternoon." "And we do mean fumbled." "And, you, next time we choose one of your cooks to play quarterback, make sure he washes the butter off his hands." "Now it's my fault, huh?" "My kitchen platoon lost 90 bucks on that game you said was in the bag." "All right, all right." "And on top of that, Zalinka, my best doughnut man, gets a broken finger." "68 to nothing!" "Ten fingers and it's got to be the one he makes the holes with." "All right, all right, come on!" "Things are bad all over." "All right, men, wash up." "(scoffs):" "Gee..." "I know Uncle Sam needs men, but not as badly as I do." "What are we knocking ourselves out trying to beat that Company "A"?" "Football, basketball, soccer, softball-- we keep betting them, they keep taking our money." "The Army says athletics is good for our morale." "I got a kitchen full of cooks ready for mass suicide." "Look, Sowici, if you want to cry, go to your own barracks." "We got work to do around here." "Rocco, aren't you supposed to get those duty rosters out?" "Or maybe you got a secretary handling it for you." "Yo." "60 bucks from my supply platoon." "And we lost 75." "All right, stop beefing." "I'll get the money back somehow." "Come on." "It's just that Company "A,"" "they get all the breaks and the new transfers." "Each guy they get is bigger and tougher than the next one." "What we need around here is some new talent." "Some guys with, with athletic ability." "Some guys who..." "Who are you?" "Uh, Sergeant Bilko?" "I'm Sergeant Bilko." "Who are you?" "Uh, Honergan." "Ed-Ed Honergan." "I've been transferred to your motor pool platoon from Camp Dixon." "I'm a, uh, mechanic." "Uh, specialist rating." "Camp Dixon, huh?" "Got some pretty good teams up there, huh, pal?" "What do you do?" "Uh, I've worked on half-tracks, engine and body." "I've done a little of the..." "Listen, uh, play any football?" "Football?" "You play any football?" "No." "Oh, saving yourself for basketball, huh?" "Big guy." "I've done a lot of valve and piston repair, transmission, uh..." "How about, uh, baseball?" "A little baseball?" "Huh?" "No." "Soccer?" "Play any soccer?" "I do..." "No soccer." "I do diesel engine overhauls." "Uh, carburetor, trans..." "How about, uh, baseball?" "Softball?" "I have some exper..." "Water polo?" "Any skiing?" "How are you at tiddlywinks?" "Gee, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, Sarge." "I've-I've never gone in for any kind of games." "I guess I'm just a soldier." "That's the last thing I need in this outfit is a soldier." "Let me look." "Okay, Honergan." "Here, Henshaw." "Yo." "I'm putting him on motor rebuilds." "Take him inside and brief him." "Right." "Welcome aboard, Corporal." "This way, Honergan." "Hey, Rocco, look alive!" "BARBELLA:" "I'm coming." "Oh, excuse me." "Hey!" "Ain't, ain't you Ed Honergan?" "That's right, yeah." "Gee, I-I never thought I'd get to meet you in person." "I..." "I won $50 on you that time in Okinawa." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "Uh, uh, excuse me." "Who would believe it?" "Ed Honergan in our platoon." "(laughs)" "Hey, Roc, who is that guy?" "You mean, for real, you don't know?" "(barks order)" "Who is he?" "!" "Honergan!" "Ed Honergan!" "Here we go." "Who's Ed Honergan?" "!" "You mean, for real, you don't know, Sarge?" "Gee, weren't you in the South Pacific?" "Oh, we're back to playing stop the clock again." "Who is he?" "!" "I thought everybody knew him." "He's, he's the Stomach." "Stomach?" "The Stomach." "I knew he looked familiar!" "The Stomach in our company!" "Wow!" "Oh, boy!" "We got the Stomach in" "Who's the Stomach?" "!" "The-The Stomach!" "The-The eating champion of the United States Army." "Eating champion?" "Mr. Appetite himself." "You remember during the war, we used to have them eating contests?" "Every division had its champ." "The Stomach could take 'em all." "Hey, remember the championship finals at Kwajalein Island?" "Boy, wait till my boys find out who they'll be cooking for from now on." "Here, what's the matter, you crazy?" "Don't mention a word about this." "Keep this under your hat until we're ready to make our move." "What move?" "Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't it been said that Company "A"" "has a guy that they think is quite an eater?" "Yeah, that supply sergeant, Hog Henderson." "Oh, he's the, he's the best knife and fork man in the division." "Unless I'm mistaken, from time to time, don't they like to bet on him?" "Yeah, but we never had nobody that could compare with him when the..." "Ernie!" "Ah, the sun is starting to peek through the clouds." "An eating contest?" "Yeah, you know how the guys in my outfit are." "(chuckles):" "They'll bet on anything." "They figure on man-to-man betting, maybe we got a chance." "Oh, sure, sure." "Anything to accommodate you." "Uh, how much you putting up?" "Well, I got $70 out of our welfare fund." "And here's 55 from my kitchen platoon and 60 from Signal Corps." "50 from supply." "235 bucks." "You boys must think you got quite an eater over there." "Oh, I don't know, some joker, he thinks he's a glutton." "What's his name?" "I forget." "Some little guy." "Thin." "Yeah, little, thin fella." "Well, there you are." "You got yourself a bet." "We, uh, we hold the bet in standard procedure according to the inter-platoon betting regulations." "Check." "Uh, here, here." "Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle." "All right." "Zimmerman, take this down to the machine shop and have it welded." "Then, uh, then give it to the chaplain to hold for us." "Yes, sir." "Rocco!" "I'm right behind him." "Uh, Zimmerman." "Have that sergeant step in here, please." "Yes, sir." "Well, like they say at Madison Square Garden," ""May the best man emerge victorious."" "Huh?" "!" "All right?" "!" "Bilko, you disappoint me, boy." "Disappoint you?" "Yeah, for the sharpest operator on the post, you sure pulled a boo-boo." "What you talking about, boy?" "For a guy who's supposed to know everything about everything on this post, you seem to have forgotten, we got a pretty good knife and fork man in our outfit, too." "(knocking)" "Come in." "Men, I want you to meet Sergeant Henderson." "Hi, I..." "Hog Henderson?" "!" "You told me he was transferred!" "Somebody told me." "Oh, we haven't got a chance!" "Oh, give us a bre-- give us at least three-to-one odds." "Not a chance." "Wait till the area hears about this." "Bilko matching some Company "B" meatball against the Hog." "Hog Henderson, champion eater of the Canal Zone three years running, title holder in the Philippines." "And get this-- at Kwajalein, in the inter-zone finals for the world's championship, he came in third to the Stomach." "The Stomach!" "Take your hats off when you mention that name." "He was the greatest." "Gee whiz." "Allan, give us a break." "Give us at least two-to-one odds!" "Not a chance." "We'll drop by later to discuss the details of the contest." "That is, if you can call it a contest." "Ah, give us a break, will you, Allan?" "!" "Have mercy!" "Mercy!" "What am I gonna tell my...?" "!" "You mean, one guy's gonna eat all that?" "Are you kidding?" "For the Stomach, this is just a snack." "I tell you, we got the champ in there." "Would I be risking the entire welfare fund if this wasn't a sure thing?" "Sure thing." "Everything is a sure thing with this outfit until we lose." "They say this Hog Henderson is murder with the meat and potatoes." "Hog Henderson-- is he kidding?" "Henderson is a canary compared to the..." "Tell 'em, Rocco." "One day in Kwajalein, with my own eyes," "I seen him put away nine chickens, five pounds of potatoes, a bushel of carrots and peas" "19 corns and eight pies and he wasn't even breathing hard." "(cheering)" "BILKO:" "Hey, welcome, welcome, Corporal." "Your chair, monsieur." "Say, say, what's..." "what's-what's all this?" "Oh, it's just a tradition of the platoon." "A new member always gets his first meal served here." "Won't you?" "Say, that looks great." "Boy, let me at that food." "Stand back." "You want to be eaten?" "Boy, yum." "Yum." "Steak." "I'm-I'm hungry." "He's hungry." "I-I missed my lunch on the train." "He missed his lunch." "I told you, you haven't got enough food here." "I've got more in the jeep." "BILKO:" "Look at that forehand." "Isn't that a thing of beauty?" "Look at that." "Say-Say, aren't you fellas going down to the mess hall?" "No, no, don't mind us." "This is a privilege to just stand here and just watch you." "That just hit the spot." "What's the matter, something wrong with the steak?" "No, it was terrific." "Oh, I get it, see... he smokes in between bites, right?" "(others laughing)" "No, I'm-I'm-I'm full." "Say-Say... thanks an awful lot, fellas." "Thanks an awful lot." "Hey, I wonder what's playing at the post movie tonight." "HENSHAW:" "Movie?" "Eddie, baby, we haven't finished the Batman yet." "SOLDIER:" "You bet money on that guy?" "!" "(all yelling)" "There's got to be an explanation." "Hey, where you going?" "He wants some bicarbonate." "Claims he ate too much." "(angry shouting)" "Hold it." "Hey, Eddie boy." "I hope you're feeling better." "Oh, sure thing, yeah." "Sit down, sit down." "Oh, say, say, you sure make a guy feel at home in this outfit." "Well, that's what I'm here for-- to give the boys a home away from home." "Yeah." "You know something, Ed?" "The boys were telling me when you were overseas you had a nickname." "What was it again?" "Oh..." "The Kidney, The Liver, what...?" "Oh, uh, uh, they used to call me the Stomach." "That's it, the Stomach, yeah." "That wa... that was because I was a real heavy eater." "Uh, in-in-in fact, I used to win contests." "Contests, huh?" "Yeah, but let's not talk about that." "Gee..." "No, no, no, let's talk about it." "I want to know all about my boys." "Well, uh, when I was overseas," "I had a-a girl back home I was crazy about." "Uh, then one day, I got one of those letters..." "Uh..." "Oh, yeah, "Dear John, I found another..." "Stanley is his name." I know the letters, yes." "She found somebody else, and I was miserable." "It seems misery has a funny reaction with me." "It makes me hungry." "The more miserable I got, the hungrier I got." "Pretty soon, uh..." "I-I-I started eating." "I-I mean eating." "Pretty soon, the only place I could get enough food to eat was in contests." "And before I knew it, I was so miserable," "I was the champion eater of the whole Army." "Champion, huh?" "Terrible, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's awful." "Go on, tell me more about it." "Uh, I was compensating, uh..." "Compensating?" "Yeah, th-that's what Captain Lazarus said." "Captain Lazarus?" "Yeah, he was the Army psychiatrist that straightened me out." "That dirty..." "That's nice." "I'm glad he..." "I'm glad he got to you, 'cause I know I guy can be helped." "A-A-A-All I had to do was get my mind off her-- forget her." "Today, I don't want to remember her name, what she looked like or anything about her." "And you see before you a happy man, Sergeant." "(chuckles)" "BILKO:" "Very good." "You stay that way." "I'll have Henshaw bring you a bicarbonate." "Just take it easy." "I'll be right back." "(clamoring)" "Is he really the Stomach?" "He's the Stomach, all right-- only with a complication." "It seems when he was overseas, the only time he wanted food was when he was miserable." "Overseas-- that made me miserable." "All right, all right!" "What?" "Are you starting with jokes?" "We got to find out a way, a way to remind him of his girl so he'll be so miserable that he'll start..." "Hey, when we were overseas, what was it that reminded us of our girl?" "Another girl." "Aw, come on." "I know." "There was always one thing that kept us together, even though we were miles apart." "A song." "The song." "Always a song." "We used to call it..." "our song." "OTHERS:" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Emma!" "See?" "See?" "That's what we got to find out." "We got to find out the song that reminds him of his gi..." "Gomez, here!" "Yeah?" "Go to every service club-- get me every phonograph record that was a hit between 1942 and 1945 when the Stomach was overseas." "(barking orders)" "(loud laughter)" "Oh, boy, those jokes are really great." "I love that one, what is it?" "Why does a fireman wear red?" "(loud laughter)" "I-I-I-I got another one you'll all like." "He's got another one." "Get the record." "Huh?" "(quietly):" "The record!" "Oh, how about some records?" "Oh, we don't want 'em now." "Eddie's got some jokes to tell." "Uh, uh, records?" "You don't mind, do you?" "You see, once a week we like to play records for old time's sake." "Oh, sure, sure, go right ahead." "I'd love to hear 'em." "We old warriors do get sentimental, don't we?" "HONERGAN:" "Sure." "Oh... memories." "What memories." "(band playing mid-tempo intro)" "(singing inaudibly)" "# I got my Tootie #" "# And then she goes out... #" "(Honergan chuckles nervously)" "I don't like this one-- it's too jazzy." "Oh, this one'll tear your heart out." "(band playing slow intro)" "(mouthing) # ..." "Long time #" "# Hi, good-bye and little one #" "# And I got of the wonder... #" "(Honergan chuckles nervously)" "I don't like that." "It's too frivolous." "(band plays mid-tempo intro)" "FEMALE SINGER:" "# I'll walk alone #" "# Because, to tell you the truth #" "# I'll be lonely #" "# I don't mind #" "# Being lonely #" "# When my heart tells me #" "# You #" "# Are lonely, too #" "# I'll walk alone #" "# They'll ask me why #" "# And I'll tell them #" "# I'd rath... # -(music stops)" "Where you going, Eddie?" "Uh, to the PX." "I want to get something to eat." "(loud cheering, laughter)" "# I'll walk alone #" "# Because, to tell you the truth #" "# I'll be lonely #" "# I don't mind being lonely #" "# When my heart tells me #" "# You are lonely, too #" "# I'll walk alone #" "# They'll ask me why #" "# And I'll tell them #" "# I'd rather... #" "BILKO:" "Okay, take a break." "You're on." "(playing "I'll Walk Alone" on harmonica)" "(harmonica continues)" "Hensh... where..." "Henshaw!" "What are you doing here alone?" "Where's the Stomach?" "Aw, gee, Sarge, the poor guy was so miserable." "He was miserable, huh?" "Yeah, moaning' and sniffing'." "I couldn't take it any longer." "I told him to have a good, long talk with the chaplain." "Good..." "The chaplain?" "!" "Well..." "Maybe it's not too late!" "It's too late." "(Honergan chuckling)" "Hiya, Padre." "Hello, Bilko." "Let's try to brighten up that corner, huh?" "Uh, uh, uh, don't worry, Padre, that-that talk with you was all I needed." "Thanks." "(chuckles)" "Awful nice guy, Bilko." "Yeah, yeah, he is." "He was telling me you've been wonderful to him." "Oh, you know what I mean, Padre, just showing him the hospitality of the barracks." "Yes, he's happy now, but it won't last." "It won't?" "!" "It won't?" "It won't?" "He's too much in love with that girl." "He told me all about her." "She lives in Tulsa." "But he was hurt so much when she..." "Well, I wish I could do something, but what?" "Well, wha-what can you, you know...?" "Good night, Padre." "Oh." "By the way, that cash box has been in my office a week now." "I wouldn't by any chance be holding a gambling stake again, would I?" "Gambling?" "Gee whiz, Padre, why do..." "Gambling?" "Mm, that's our welfare fund." "You know, in case somebody in the platoon gets in trouble and needs a little hel..." "Gambling?" "I mean, really, Padre." "Bilko, gambler or not, the odds on you getting into Heaven are getting bigger every day." "(laughing)" "So long, Padre." "Good night, Padre." "HONERGAN:" "Uh, so long, Padre." "Gee, wonderful guy." "He sure is." "How do you feel?" "Oh, say, say, say," "I got a couple new jokes to tell you." "Jokes?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, let's hear some jokes." "Oh, wait'll you hear this one." "This is..." "I know it'll be great." "I love jokes." "Hold it." "This is a job for an expert." "This calls for a real louse." "Ah, Eddie!" "Glad to see you feeling better." "Oh, oh, oh, sure." "You got enough to read?" "Oh, yeah." "Say, say, imagine me mooning over a girl I-I haven't seen in ten years." "Silliest thing I ever heard." "(laughs):" "Yeah." "(laughing)" "I mean, I mean, girls are like streetcars." "There'll be another one along any minute, right?" "I mean, they're... they're..." "they're all alike, and-and Hazel was like all of 'em." "You need her like you need another head, right?" "Boy!" "I'm telling you, I-I don't..." "I don't want any part of her, never." "I don't blame you." "You're through, right?" "Yeah." "Through." "Finished." "Finished." "That's what you told the chaplain, and that's what you told me." "(choked-up):" "But can you tell it to your heart?" "Can you tell your heart you're through?" "No." "Well, well, if it isn't the suckers from Company "B."" "Well, Bilko, where's your boy?" "He'll be along" " I think he stopped in the coffee shop for a little snack." "(chuckles)" "Henshaw!" "Yo!" "Got our man here?" "Right here, Sarge." "Fellas, I'd like you to meet..." "It's... it's Ed Honergan, the Stomach!" "The Stomach?" "Bet's off!" "You brought in a ringer!" "Hold the phone, pal." "It's all legitimate." "Here's his name right on the roster." ""Edwin C. Honergan."" "HENDERSON:" "Gosh, it's really him!" "Hello, Hog." "He remembered my name." "He remembered my name!" "Will you pull yourself together?" "You're eating against him!" "MAN:" "Yes, sir!" "A banquet." "How many will be in the room?" "There'll be 50 of us." "Just a minute." "Here's the menu we want." "Oh..." "Yes." "Thank you." "Ah, "Ten dozen oysters..."" "Uh, with, uh, plenty of crackers." ""Five gallons of soup..."" "Uh, maybe a little light consommé." "Uh, cream of tomato with lots of croutons." ""12 chickens, three bushel of salad, 14 steaks, six pies..."" "Uh, with-with cheese." "Yes." "Well, now, that'll be service for 50." "Hold it, hold it." "Service for two." "I... beg your pardon?" "Two." "Two." "Toi, moi..." "Two." "Ready?" "(blows whistle)" "(excited shouts)" "(excited chatter)" "# #" "(excited chatter continues)" "# #" "(excited chatter continues)" "# #" "(excited chatter continues)" "# #" "(men shouting encouragement)" "(man laughs)" "Go, go, go!" "MAN:" "No." "Ah, come on..." "I had it." "(cheering)" "(blows whistle)" "Take everything away." "The winner!" "Wait just a minute." "Not until he finishes that last piece of cheese." "Okay, go after it, Stomach." "Come on, champ." "Show 'em." "HAZEL:" "Edwin!" "Hazel!" "Oh!" "Wait just a minute." "Madam, just a minute." "When the chaplain phoned, I flew!" "This is a stag party." "Oh, honey, you look so wonderful!" "But I..." "But I.." "But I can't eat the cheese." "I'm..." "For men only." "I didn't mean that letter I wrote to you." "Eat the cheese!" "Will you stop" "screaming in my ear?" "!" "Oh, Edwin, you look marvelous." "You look simply wonderful!" "Eat the cheese, will you?" "!" "I'm not miserable anymore." "Isn't she beautiful?" "Will you please eat the cheese?" "Isn't she beautiful?" "The cheese." "Will you please go away?" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Eat the cheese." "The cheese!" "Oh, Edwin." "Eat..." "Ah!" "(cheering)" "HENSHAW:" "He did it!" "That's it, Sarge!" "Oh, it's you, Monty." "You're the one that brought her, huh?" "Yes, I brought her." "I also brought this." "I knew you'd want it." "Want it?" "Want it?" "!" "(laughter)" "Hey." "Why don't you present it to them now?" "Oh, I'll give it to them in the barracks." "Them?" "Yeah." "I mean Honergan." "You told me the welfare fund was for the member of the platoon who needs it." "Needs it?" "Who needs it?" "Well, thanks to you, one of the platoon is about to be married." "They'll need furniture, rugs, a TV set for their new home." "If the Platoon Welfare Fund isn't for that, what is it for?" "Bilko, this isn't a gambling stake, is it?" "No." "What?" "What?" "What?" "Here, Honergan." "For you and the little lady, from the platoon." "There's a lot of money there." "Oh, Sergeant, you're wonderful." "Sweet." "Bilko." "Well, what are you looking at me?" "What?" "!" "At least we won, didn't we?" "Now we're not in debt." "Yeah, we're not in debt." "Sergeant Bilko, the check." "Check?" "What check?" "$65.88?" "What...?" "ALLAN:" "And remember the rules." "The winner pays the check." "It's been a pleasure." "The check." "(Bilko sighs)" "Ten... tion!" "Which way is your kitchen?" "(loud, overlapping chatter)" "(Bilko barks command)" "Roll up your sleeves." "KP." "(barks):" "About... face!" "Hey!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "Two, three, four, five." "You'll have clean dishes for a year." "Let's get out of here." "("I'll Walk Alone" plays)" "ANNOUNCER:" "The Stomach was played by Fred Gwynne," "Henderson by Bern Hoffman," "Sergeant Allan by Murray Hamilton."