"Game show marathon and Chinese food." "What could make this night any better?" "A round of "Boink, Marry, Kill"?" "Ooh!" "Okay, you have to choose to "Boink, Marry or Kill"" "Bob Barker, Pat Sajak and skinny Drew Carey." "Okay, I'd boink Drew Carey." "Marry Pat Sajak, so I could boink him all the time." "And I don't want to kill anybody, so I'd just break Bob Barker's hip and let God do the rest." "What about you, Nathan?" "I-I'm not doing this." "It's just a game, honey." "No, no." "I mean I'm not coming over here for dinner anymore." "Oh, let's see what's behind door number one." "It's an exit!" "I win!" "Dad, don't worry." "We'll figure out why your bank balance is off." "What is this $300 monthly charge for Chuck E. Cheese's?" "Oh." "No, no." "That was my idea." "He does skee ball and Whac-A-Mole." "It's really his only cardio." "Oh, I see." "Plus the calories I burn running to the parking lot from security when they realize I'm not there with a kid." "Tom, you're not gonna believe this." "You know that banquet hall we booked in advance to celebrate our big wedding anniversary this year?" "I completely forgot about that." "I've been so busy celebrating our breakup." "I hear that!" "I'd forgotten, too, until they called to confirm." "And you won't believe what they're charging us to cancel." ""$900." "McGee's Banquet Hall"" "It's right here on your account." "Just before an... $86 charge for frozen yogurt?" "I forgot to put the handle back up on the self-serve." "$86?" "Tom, you have to stop being an idiot with our savings." "Half that money you're wasting is mine!" "I waste money?" "I paid half for you and Kip to go see Olivia Newton John in concert." "Wasn't just Olivia." "It was Olivia, Cher and Madonna." "All done by one amazing young man." "Okay, can we agree it's time you two split up your finances and officially file for divorce?" "Or not!" "Maybe, uh..." "Maybe things are fine the way they are." "Wait a second, I thought you guys already were divorced." "Not officially." "And maybe things are fine the way they are." "No, Debbie's right." "We've avoided the paperwork long enough." "It's time to make it official." "Or maybe things are fine the way they are!" "Tom, what do you say we get together and hash out all the details?" "Is next Wednesday good?" "Sounds cool to me." "Ah, then we're all set." "I got to go." "I have a ballroom dance class, and there are only three men." "If I don't get there early, I'll end up with Esther again." "And she's on a scooter." "Nice, Debbie." "This past year has been the best this family has ever functioned." "You ever heard of the saying," ""If it ain't broke, don't fix it"?" "No." "Yes, you have!" "Everybody..." " Right, Adam?" " No, I never heard of it." "God." "Great, now I got to go cancel my plans for Wednesday night and make sure this whole thing doesn't turn into a giant train wreck." "Train wreck?" "Why would they be on trains?" "It's a saying!" "I never heard of it." "Yeah, and, uh, according to the Internet, there's nothing about "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"" "Are you guys...?" "Is this whole place...?" "Am I the only one...?" "That was pretty fun." "Yeah, we got to screw with him more often." "Okay, we're all set for my mom and dad to come over and sign their divorce papers." "Snacks are out, you're getting the drinks, and I have 911 on speed dial." "Hey, don't worry, Nate." "It's impossible for people to fight when they got an umbrella drink in their hand." "Hey, you never saw Mrs. Howell throw a punch at Gilligan did you?" "Okay, we're here." "I'll tell you one thing, if your mother thinks she's getting half of my binoculars, she's crazy." "If I showed to my bird club with one nocular, they'd laugh me out of the forest." "Yeah." "Yeah, we'll figure it out, Dad." "Tom, would you like a crème de menthe?" "Mmm, crème de menthe, I'd love some." "I forgot to brush my teeth this morning." "Nathan, I hope it's okay, but Kip insisted on coming along." "I will be acting as your mother's attorney today." "I have an extensive legal background." "I was a court stenographer for 16... days." "Apparently, asking them to talk slower is "unprofessional"" "Well, no need, Kip." "While I'm impressed that, uh, your briefcase doubles as a backgammon board," "I had some papers drawn up by a real lawyer." "And you'll see that everything has been divided fair and square, right, Ray?" "Oh, yeah." "Uh, Carol, can I interest you in a cocktail?" "Oh, mahalo." "Well, it all sounds good to me." "Tom, I'm ready to sign if you are." "Ready?" "I can't wait." "I've been dreaming of this since the honeymoon." "Wait, what is this? "No Fault Divorce"?" "This isn't a "No Fault Divorce."" "We need one that says "His Fault Divorce."" ""His Fault"?" "We both want this divorce." "True, but you're the one who ended the marriage by walking out on me." "So, technically, it is your fault." "What?" "!" "The only reason I walked out is 'cause you'd constantly criticize everything I did!" "I mean, how does someone blink wrong?" "!" "Your blinks are too long!" "They're like tiny naps!" "Driving in the car with you is terrifying." "Okay." "Guys, guys." "You both want this divorce, so who cares whose fault it was?" "I do!" "When historians look back on the record," "I want it to reflect the truth." "What historians?" "This is nuts!" " I will never sign a "No Fault Divorce."" " Me neither!" "Well, I guess we're still married then." "Great!" "Let's stay married!" "Guess I'll be moving back into the house with you then!" "Fantastic!" "Wait, my house." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "See you at home, honey!" "Can't wait, sweetie!" "I'll pack my stuff!" "What just happened?" "I guess Mrs. Howell wants to get off the island." "Okay." "Well, I better go get Adam and Mikayla." "We're gonna sleep here tonight." "Wait, what?" "Yeah, you remember how intense their fighting used to be." "They used to scream so loud, we lost two pet hamsters to heart attacks." "I don't want to bury my daughter in a shoe box in the backyard." "Well, my work here is done." "If anybody would like to play backgammon with me," "I'll be across the hall." "Uh..." "Oh, my God." "They've been alone 24 hours, and they've destroyed my house." "It looks like there was a struggle." "You don't think your father did something to my Carol, do you?" "No, please." "If anything, I'm worried about Dad." "Mom gets road rage while she's still in the driveway." "You might be right." "This is Tom's smelly loafer." "It looks like she overpowered Tom and then dragged his lifeless body upstairs." "Oh, no." "I might be partially responsible." "I-I was the one who taught her "Boink, Marry, Kill."" "How did this happen?" "Well, your mother has a bad back, so mostly missionary..." "No, no, n-n-no!" "God!" "What?" "This is so much worse than when we thought you'd killed each other." "We're as surprised as you are." "Neither of us saw this coming." "I came over here hotter than an Orlando parking lot in July, ready to pick up our marriage where we left off." "Great!" "I'm here 30 seconds, and you've already dumped out your dirty laundry for me!" "Hey, those are clean!" "Debbie taught me how to do laundry!" "She also taught me how to mend my clothes." "So, zip it before I sew it shut." "But your father wasn't the same person" "I was married to a year ago." "Truth was we'd both gone through some changes." "I'm out of blood pressure medicine, and since I'm gonna be around you," "I'm gonna need all I can get!" "Great!" "My favorite hummingbird was just gorging on nectar." "But I guess Kevin will have to wait so I can drive you to the store!" "I have a driver's license now;" "I can take myself!" "Enjoy your birdies, you loon!" "We were trying our best to fight, but all of our old arguments weren't working anymore." "Before we knew it, we were running out of stuff to be mad about." "I bought you three kinds of soup 'cause I know how much you love soup!" "I do love soup." "But I already cooked dinner." "I made an extra plate if you want it!" "Well, thank you!" "I am kind of hungry!" "I thought you might be!" "And I put some fresh Parmesan on it because I know you like that!" "How thoughtful!" "I like cheese!" "And then we realized that changing who we were wasn't the only thing we had in common." "Wait a second." "Are you watching Game of Thrones?" "You can't like Game of Thrones." "Why not?" "Because I like Game of Thrones." "And we haven't agreed on a TV show since the O.J. trial." "I don't know why they didn't bring that show back for a second season." "And before you knew it, we were upstairs, adding a new memory to his memory foam mattress." "Okay." "All right." "So what?" "S-So you had one last hurrah." "No, more like three-and-a-half hurrahs." "Your father got a charley horse." "Okay." "Well... the only hurrah that matters is the last one, so here are your divorce papers to sign." "Actually, we were just talking about this, and, um... your father and I are gonna give this another go." "Oh, my God." "You've broken your children." "We're gonna stay married." "No, no, no, no." "This is a terrible idea." "Why are you doing this?" "Everything was perfect." "You two were barely speaking." "All was right with the world, and she ruined it!" "Hey, hey." "I-I had no idea this would turn into such a train wreck." "Aha!" "I knew you knew that expression!" "You know, Carol, aside from the fact that you're making the biggest mistake of your life, where does this leave me?" "Every frozen food we bought was for two!" "And do you know how stupid I'm gonna look alone on our tandem bike?" "This just isn't meant to be." "Okay?" "Just because something is sweet in the moment doesn't mean that you can change the laws of nature." "Like..." "like when you see a gorilla playing with a kitten." "You think, "Aw, how sweet."" "But pretty soon, that kitten is gonna get his head twisted off." "In the time we were apart, your mother and I fixed the things we hated about each other." "And rediscovered the reasons we fell in love." "And on a slightly related topic," "Debbie, you're out of baby oil." "Guys, you are a terrible combination of two great things." "You know, you're like texting and driving." "If you want to see a compatible couple," " look at Debbie and Adam." " Aw, Nathan." "There's no denying that there's only one lid for that Crock-Pot." "Even Ray and I are more compatible than you two." "We thought you'd be happy." "Isn't this what you all have been rooting for all along?" "No!" "I mean, we just bought a Snuggie with four arms." "What am I gonna do, put my legs through it?" "Clearly, we aren't making any headway here." "But I do know one way to get through to Carol Miller, and that's by speaking a language she understands." "The Wrongly-Wed Game!" "And here's your host, Kip Finkle." "Welcome to The Wrongly-Wed Game, where couples put their lack of compatibility to the test." "Let's welcome our couples." "Couple number one has been married nine years and have a daughter that's eight-and-a-half... you do the math." "Ladies and gentlemen, Debbie and Alan." " Adam." " That's right." "Okay, couple number two are long-time work spouses who just celebrated the ten-year anniversary of being each other's emergency contacts, Nathan and Ray." "And finally, the worst marriage since labradors and poodles... hey, scientists, stay out of my dogs... let's welcome couple number three," "Carol and Tom." "If this is what it takes to prove that we're truly meant to be together, then let the game begin." "We should be up by a point because we already scored today." "And keeping score tonight will be the lovely Mikayla!" "Hey, Mikayla, have you ever seen Vanna White talk?" "Okay?" "Question number one, if your spouse could have one superpower, what would they choose?" "Uh-huh, we just talked about this." "Invisibility." "Ah." "I would hug people at funerals, and they'd think it was their loved ones." "Nathan, you're up." "Ray's superpower." "Oh, that's easy." "Uh, perfect memory." "Aw, man, that's better than what I wrote." "Oh." "I forgot, I did write that!" "Forgot!" "Okay, Carol." "This is an easy one for a history buff like Tom... time travel." "I like dogs, I want to know why they don't like me." "If you and your spouse could take a dream vacation, where would it be?" "Uh-huh, Nantucket." "There's a man from there whose hand I've always wanted to shake." "Carol." "Tom and I would go to the same heavenly place we went for 40 years..." "Nags Head, North Carolina." "Your spouse has just won a million dollars;" "what is the first thing he would do with the money?" "Nathan." "Well..." "I know his mom needs a house, but I'm gonna go with put a lazy river between his apartment and work." "Carol, you're up." "I believe the first thing Tom would do" " with the money is invest it." " Oh, great." "And, Tom, how did you get this one wrong?" "I'm out of vitamins." "Time for the bonus round." "It's Sunday night, you've got the house to yourselves;" "what do you do, Alan?" " Still Adam." " Alden." "I can't say it with Mikayla listening." "Oh, my God, you're right." "Honey, shut your eyes and plug your ears." "Read Mikayla's diary." "It's so cute." "You should see the way she spells "marijuana"" "Ray." "Um, I'm gonna go with we massage each other's shoulders and swear it never happened." "Okay, let's play, let's play." "Let's play." "Tom and Carol, can you make it a perfect zero?" "Oh, I don't know." "Watch Game of Thrones." ""Watch Game of Thrones!"" "See!" "You are wrong!" "We are meant to be together!" "Oh, you got one question right." "Congratulations." "You tied Debbie's S.A.T. score." "But it was the bonus question... the most important question of all." "And look at us, still finding new things to bond over, like our love of Game of Thrones." "That's because as we've grown up and matured, we're able to sit there without fighting and enjoy the intricate storytelling and subtle allegories..." "And boobs." "What?" "I like the boobs; that's why I watch." "Are you kidding me?" "So, in the middle of Game of Thrones, when you turned to me and said," ""This show is having a deep effect on me,"" "you were just getting worked up over the boobies?" "Baby, no." "Of course not." "I also like the butts." "My man." "Well, this makes perfect sense coming from a guy who wants to be able to talk to dogs!" "The Andersons' poodle snarls at me for no reason." "No reason!" "This is exactly why we got all the questions wrong!" "Oh, this is my fault?" "!" "Classic Carol!" "My answers can't be wrong." "They're my answers." "You were supposed to guess them!" "Which was easy when you used to have the common sense just to think what I told you to think!" "Yeah?" "Well, now I think on my own!" "And I think I want a divorce!" "Well, look at that!" "So do I!" "Finally, we agree on something!" "We have a loser!" "Congratulations." "Well, all you have to do is sign." "I can't believe we stayed married as long as we did." "We're total opposites." "What were we thinking?" "This is kind of sad though." "I mean, our marriage almost lasted 50 years, and we're gonna end it with a couple of signatures like..." "like we're renting a car." "Mom, come on." "Life doesn't end when you return a rental." "I'm sure some sensible man in the Midwest will buy you at auction." "We did have some good times." "Plus a couple of wonderful kids." "You're right." "Our marriage does deserve a better send-off." "Carol Miller, will you do me the honor of un-marrying me?" "You've just made me the happiest woman on earth." "We did it!" "Stop it!" "In a minute, in a minute." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the uncoupling of Tom and Carol Miller." "If their marriage has taught us anything, it's that love is patient, love is kind, but also sometimes love is wrong." "Do you, Carol, take Tom to be your lawfully-wedded husband?" "Do you promise to pull spinach out of his teeth, patrol his nose and ears for hair, and to always repeat the punch line to every joke on TV, in sickness and in health?" "I do not." "And do you, Tom, take Carol to be your lawfully-wedded wife?" "Do you promise to rub lotion on her bunions, listen to her conspiracy theories about who is stealing her Valu-Pak, and basically just agree with everything she says, as long as you both shall live?" "I do not." "Now, if I could have your wedding rings." "By the power vested in me by the state of disarray your marriage is in," "I now pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife... till death do you stay apart." "Yeah!" "I can't believe you didn't pay extra for the cleanup." "Why should some employee get all this perfectly good rice?" "This was a fun day." "But, you know, there was one thing we didn't get a chance to do." "We didn't get to have our last dance." "Now that we're divorced, do you think you can finally give me a chance to lead?" "Nah..."