"Welcome to the ceremonial lighting of the first burner." "Come on, Susan!" " There it is!" " [Cece gasps]" " Aah!" " Thanksgiving!" " It is 7:00 A.M." " I've actually been up for two hours." "Let's do this!" "Perfect Thanksgiving!" "Reagan's coming today, and I want everything to be great for the guest of honor." "Oh, the... the guest of honor?" "Yeah, the guest of honor." "I guess my dad spending Thanksgiving with me for the first time ever is a non-event." "Ooh." "Is he bringing his new squoosh?" " Hmm?" " Is that a thing people say?" " No." " Uh-uh." "Well, his squoosh has a name, and it's Ann Kim." "She's probably gonna want to spend some time with you ladies, too, because you know how fathers and sons can be on Thanksgiving." "Drinking beer, watching the game, hugging each other in a way that suggests," ""I forgive you for every... for everything."" "Okay, look, I know you're excited, but maybe don't put so much pressure on it, you know?" "I mean, we all... we all know who your dad is." "Who he was." "Who he was, though." "Just don't expect too much." "Just be happy that he's coming at all." " So what time's Robby coming?" " He's not coming." " He is going to visit his folks." " What's your guys' deal now?" "Are you actually together, or are you just nursing him back to health 'cause you broke his entire body and face?" "We are not together, but I don't think Robby understands that." "I wonder why, Jess." "You only hang out with him 24/7." "♪ Come on, baby, make it hurt so... ♪ [screaming]" "I feel mean telling him we're not dating when he's in this state." "CECE:" "It is a lot meaner to lead him on, okay?" " You got to drop the hammer." " I know." "You're right." "I'll do it next time I see him." "I'm just dreading it." "He's such a good egg." "I mean, with his dad khakis and his glasses and his... his... his sweet little change purse." "You know what?" "That's it." "He's too nice." "There's just no oomph." "Yeah." "It's non-negotiable." "You got to have the oomph." "Yeah, oomph was all Cece and I had when we started oomphing." "Oh, "oomph" is sex." "Why say that stupid word?" "Just say "sex."" "Oh, because it's more than that, Nick." "It's fire." "It's passion." "It's ha-cha-cha-cha-cha" " cha-cha-cha-cha-cha." " Mm." "JESS:" "And there's no ha-cha-cha with Robby." "He's too nice." "WINSTON:" "Well, look, Jess, do what you got to, but I love that guy." "Robby was there for me when I got hurt in the line of duty." "[groaning]" "SCHMIDT:" "Winston, you sprained your ankle running for a bagel." " Yeah." "I was at work, though." " Running for a bagel." "Look, Robby's the only one who understands my pain." "Well, nothing makes me happier than cooking for ten hours and eating in under 25 minutes." "Chant me in." "ALL [chanting]:" "Stuff that bird!" "Stuff that bird!" "Stuff that bird!" "Guess who's too injured to fly?" "Is it you?" "♪ ♪" "JESS:" "Don't get me wrong." "I mean, I feel..." "I feel like I'm holding the long end of the wishbone right now, but, um, why wouldn't they let you on the plane?" "There was a fit issue." "[groans] I'm sorry." "All right." "I'm so sorry." " [screams] Oh!" "Oh!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." " Whoa." "Whoa." " [screams] Aah!" "No, no, no, it's fine." " Oh!" "Oh!" "Well, at least you had the fun of going to the airport on Thanksgiving." " And I get to hang out with you." " [indistinct chatter on TV]" "Yay!" "And boo!" "Because I already have plans with a 15-pound cutie. [laughs]" " I'm talking about the turkey." " [laughs]" "Listen, I'm gonna plant you in front of the parade, and you're gonna yell out what balloons go by!" "Okay." "Okay." "MAN [on TV]:" "The start of the parade just... [laughs]" "With the speed?" "!" "He like Mayweather with the knife!" "CECE:" "Okay, what is going on?" "Because you don't even use a knife to eat a steak?" "Well, my girl is coming." "Of course my hands are dancing." "These knives are a part of me like that, uh, scissor hand guy." "What is his name again?" "Is it Rick Snip?" " Did you drop the hammer?" " I have not dropped the hammer." "Snoopy!" "Saw Snoopy." "Okay, no." "You-you got to end this." "ROBBY:" "False alarm." "It's just John Stamos on a Greek yogurt float." "Drop the hammer now?" "He can't even tell the difference between John Stamos and Snoopy." "You can't break a man's heart on a holiday." "I'm telling you, it happened to me once, and that pain... it comes back year after year after year." "You don't want to do that to him, I'm telling you." "That's why I'm always a hot mess on take-your-daughter-to-work day." "ROBBY:" "Uh-oh." "It's the senior citizens choir." "Get the tissues!" "WINSTON:" "Look, I'll tell you what, Jess." "I'll keep him busy for the day." " You can destroy him tomorrow." " Thank you, Winston." "You know what?" "Next take-your-daughter-to-work-day is gonna be take-Winston-out- for-spaghetti day." "I would enjoy that." "I would enjoy that for real." "[knocking]" "Ooh, it's my daddy!" "It's my daddy!" "Gobble, gobble." "Happy Thanksgiving, son." "I hope you're ready, 'cause I have a full day planned for us." "First up is a game of American football featuring the Cowboys of Dallas." "[crying]" "I'm sorry." "It's our first Thanksgiving together." "Look, I've been crying all morning, too." "It's... this is a good thing." "Ann Kim broke up with me." "Oh, no." "Excuse me." "Da..." "JESS:" "Gavin!" "Happy Thanksgiving." " NICK:" "Hey, Gavin." " It just got a whole lot happier." "Excuse me." "Daddy?" "You remember when you tongue-kissed that guy?" "MAN [on TV]:" "Now this marching band has traveled 1,500 miles..." "What you taking?" "Little boy blues?" "Yeah, I've been there." "How many miggies you working with?" "Yeah, my pharmacist bumped me up to nine." "1,400." "Yeah." "I have to take 18 pills an hour in a very specific order, and they virtually assured me that I will be addicted to them." " Hey." " Hey." "Hey, what happened to Rick Snip?" "Uh, gone and, uh... [sniffles, sighs] these tears... honestly, they're from the onions." "They're not from Reagan bailing." "Oh, no." "Reagan's not coming?" "No." "She just called." "Uh, her boss sent her to Omaha, so she can't make it, but it's fine." "Oh, I'm sorry, Nick." "I also wear a slow-release opium patch on my spine." "[laughs]" "Hey, I ever told you the story of how I got injured in the first place?" " Yes." " One may think that it started because of a lack of bagels, but no." "It started with a surplus..." " of cream cheese." " Of cream cheese." "Yes, yes, you're familiar with such happening." "You know what?" "I think Jess told me to help her..." "No, no, no, no." "You're good." "Uh, lock you up. [laughs]" "I'm sure she's bummed, too." " How long is she gonna be there?" " No idea." "I didn't ask." "I just said, "Happy Thanksgiving."" "[sizzling] [whooshing]" "And then I hung up." "Okay, you're gonna have to leave the kitchen." "The whole sad-guy, whiskey-flame combination is starting to worry me." "Let me know when my whiskey boils down to a crystal so I can eat it." "Hey, Dad, are you okay in there?" "Did you fall in?" "That's a dad joke that I would've assumed" "I would have heard you make had you been around more." "GAVIN:" "I want you to know I'm not using the bathroom." "I'm just sitting here." "Hey, Dad, you know what's a great cure for heartache?" "A little father-and-son time." "You know, we could have a catch, whittle a stick." " Why don't you just come out?" " [door squeaks open]" "I'm sorry, son." "You're right." "Today is about family." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Exactly." "There's my favorite whiskey glass." " Aah." "Who wants to get wasted?" " Me." "So badly." "Ugh." "I'm so sorry, babe." "Yeah." "No." "I'm-I'm fine." "Look, we don't wear sweaters and roll around in the leaves, but there are other ways for us to bond." "If he wants to drink, then, you know what?" "I'm gonna drink." "I'm gonna get sloppy with my poppy." "Nick." "Papa!" "Wait for me." "Just need to get my bitters kit." "Ooh, actually, can you just make sure that there's a garbage can next to the bed?" "Because..." "I can't hang." "[television playing nearby]" "Robby!" "What are you doing here with me and not with Winston?" "I like Winston, but he's been telling this bagel story for ten minutes." "I haven't even met all the main characters yet." "Plus, I have a little surprise for you." "To make up for this morning, the airline gave me two free tickets to anywhere in the contiguous 48 states." "Oh." "Ha." "Well, I'd love to, you know, plan our future, but we're eating in under four hours, and so I have to put you to work." "Okay, you just, crouton." " Oh." " All right." "Keep croutonning." "Okay, I'm not that close to the table." "[clank] Darn it." " I was just in the bathroom" " ROBBY:" "Nothing but net." "with my husband and his father." "Are you also having a good Thanksgiving?" "Hey, Jess." "Check this out." "Did that go in?" " Robby got plane tickets," " Swish." " and he wants to whisk my away," " Nothing but bowl." "once he gets better, which could be months from now." "Jess, I'm looking up some hotels right now." "Twin bed's okay, right?" "Hammer time?" "Hammer time." " Cheers." " Yes, sir." "Ah." "This is the dream." "A boy, his dad, his best friend sharing a drink." "Don't tell Mom, right?" "[laughing]:" "I'm just kidding." "I know you and Mom haven't spoken in 30 years, including my wedding." "You know what's stupid?" "There's a part of me that actually thought" "I might have a wedding with Ann Kim someday." "I don't think that's stupid at all, Dad." "I think that's beautiful." "You know, you opened up your heart to Ann Kim and that's brave." "Maybe she was just scared." "You know women." "They're a mystery." "Yeah, sometimes they just go to Omaha and you don't know when they're gonna come back." "Or if they're coming back." "How do you even know she's in Omaha?" "Oh, because, uh, she said she was." " Nothing means anything." " Nothing means anything." "Nothing... means anything." "At least you're young, Nick." "You got a rocking bod with kickass buns." "You're not gonna have any problems." "Who's gonna want an old guy like me?" "I've got garbage buns." "What?" "Are you out of your mind?" "Dad, you've got fantastic buns." " You think?" " I'm telling you, you've got nothing to worry about." "Nick, stand up, put your buns next to each other, so... here." "What is happening here?" "I'm not doing anybody any favors today." "I'm a bummer." "Probably the best thing I could do would be to head home." "See you later, man, nice to see you again." "Dad, stay." "Look... you're gonna land on your feet." "I've see..." "I've seen all kinds of women throw themselves at you." "Lifeguards and teachers, lens crafters." "Remember when you had your tongue in Jess' mouth?" "She tasted like licorice..." "sweet but with a bite." "Not... you're not helping, Nick." "Actually, you know what?" "Can I see you in the hallway, please?" "Why?" "[groans]" "Nick, we have got to go to Ann Kim's house and convince her to give my dad a second chance." " It's the only way he's gonna stay." " She's not gonna come." "She's a snake." "All women are snakes." "I understand that you're spinning out about Reagan." "I'm spinning out about Reagan." "I get it." "But you have to help me save my Thanksgiving with my dad." "You're right." "I'm so sorry." "We can pull this off." "If we get her to take him back..." " ..." "We'd be heroes." " That's right." "[both laughing]" "Look at that, Mom, I'm gonna be a hero." "Why are you looking up?" "Your mother is still alive." "I'm looking at Chicago." "You think Chicago is up?" "It's north." "Robby, you're a great guy, but nothing is ever gonna happen between us." "However, someday you're gonna open a really wonderful bed and breakfast." " That was pretty good." " I mean, right?" "Can you imagine the wine and cheese hour he would put on?" "Stuff the toga with hot coals." " We're going out." " What?" "Wait." "Have a place setting at the table for Ann Kim, but don't seat her next to my dad." "I want all the couples split up." "Everybody gets to talk that way, but, uh..." " and then put me next to Nick." " Yeah." "And then my dad next to me as well." "So I'm sandwiched between Nick and my dad." "You guys can't leave." "We need you here." "Well, I need a happy daddy." "He needs a happy daddy." "If they never come back, the last words I'll have heard my husband say are "happy daddy."" "Okay, good luck." "Oh, smells great." "That's just my famous gravy. [chuckles]" "The trick is, um, a pinch of brown sugar and then a couple more handfuls of brown sugar." "Actually, uh, just a lot of brown sugar." "Ann Kim loves gravy." "Big dogs, small horses, the smell of rain, and gasoline." "[sobbing]" "Oh, Gavin." "You're a handsome and passionate and charismatic man." "You and me." "We really had something." "What do you say we give it another shot?" "Let's just drive and drive and drive." "I know what I'm not thankful for this year." "This." "This is it." " Robby, this is not what it looks..." " Don't say anything." "I-I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just start by saying that is smells delicious in here." "I'm gonna leave." "[groans]" "Just... hold on a second." " [clattering] - [groans]" "Hey, Ann Kim, show your face." "You cold-hearted zombie." " Who's down there?" " It's Gavin's son." "I don't know if you remember this, but we went on a double date once." "My wife got terribly ill from some truffle oil." "Rich foods don't agree with her." "Did Gavin send you?" "No, no, no." "He doesn't even know that I'm here." "Look, Ann Kim, he's heartbroken." "You opened up something inside of him, and you turned him into the man that I always knew that he could be." "And darn it, I'm just a kid... [sighs] hoping for a Thanksgiving miracle." "Why don't you give him a second chance and come back with us, and let's all give thanks together." "Great speech." "Yeah, it really was a great speech, man." "Thanks." "Did you do it with the five other women he's dating?" "What?" "That's why he always refers to me by my first and last name, because he's dating two Anns." "This is worse than my Reagan thing." "I can't believe that I spent all day feeling sorry for that son of a bitch." "I guess I'm the son of a bitch." "Leave or I'm hitting the sprinklers." "Ann Kim, please, give me a minute to process this." " Sprinklers!" " That was not a minute!" " Sprinklers!" " That was not a minute!" "No!" "[knocking on door]" "Hello, Jessica." "If you're here to hurt Robby, then you're here to hurt me." "And if you hurt me, then I'm gonna hurt Robby." "Wait a minute." "No." "If you're here..." "If you don't get out of your room," "I'm gonna bleach all your bird shirts." " Robby, I got to go." " That's a wise choice." "[sighs]" "Robby, I need you to know that there is... [exhales] nothing going on between me and Gavin, except for an icy awkwardness that will continue until one or both of us is dead." "Oh, thank God. [laughs]" "I mean, I was sitting here thinking, really?" "Schmidt's dad." "I know." "That'd be crazy, right?" "Although I totally get it." "I mean... [exhales] he's got that rakish charm." "And that voice." "Oh, my God." " Great buns and..." " Robby, stop." "There's more." "Oh, boy." "I think I know where this is going." "Let me guess." "You see me as more of a friend." "Well, I didn't want to talk about it on Thanksgiving." "But you brought the tickets and..." "Jess, it's okay." "I get it." "You know, there has to be that, um..." " Oomph?" " Yeah." "I was gonna say "yowza,"" "but, uh, oomph." "You can't force the oomph, you know?" "I'll take my mom to Phoenix." "She's nuts about Phoenix." "SCHMIDT:" "Well, congrats, Dad!" "Holiday's over!" "You ruined another Thanksgiving!" "I can't believe that you're seeing six women." " What's going on?" " How do you run a vineyard?" "Not well." "I'm seeing six women." "He tried to make it seven." "I caught him making a move on Jess." "Again?" "Why is my father so sexual?" " Why is he asking Chicago?" " Good question." "You know what, Gavin, if this is who you really are, then you can forget about Thanksgiving and all the holidays and all the non-holidays." "Pretty much what I'm talking about is every day." "Hey, hey, hey, guys, let's remember the reason for the season." "We're all very thankful." "GAVIN:" "Jess, I am so sorry." "I had no idea you two were together." "I thought you were his physical therapist." "Physical therapist?" "Aren't you a physical therapist or something?" "You think she's a..." "Jess is a top-notch vice principal." " [grunts]" " JESS:" "Oh, Robby..." "Robby, no." "Don't stand." "Your-your knee." "I don't give a flying care about that." "I stand up when I stand up for people." "I think you're getting roid rage." "I didn't take any steroids today, because the TSA took 'em this morning." "Now, what you're seeing is pure, unfiltered Robby, straight from the tap." "Get him, Robby." "You-you tried to make Jess the seventh woman you're dating, and you don't even know the first thing about her." "I mean, did-did you know that when she was six she tried to eat a lightning bug so that her heart would glow like E.T.?" "Did you know that she tried to give herself Lyme disease out of solidarity to her fourth grade classmate?" "Or-or that she never lets any of her electronics go below 25%, just in case someone else needs to use them?" "I mean, did you know... did you know that she's terrified of the large bubbles in the bubble wrap but she loves the little tiny ones?" "It's so cute, man." "It would be one thing if you actually had feelings for Jess..." " I'm..." "I'm..." " Oh!" " Whoa." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." " Oh." "Thank you." "But you don't." "Y-you're just desperate and lonely and you're trying to use her, and I..." " Oh, it's happening again." " Oh." " Whoa, whoa, whoa!" " Oh, oh." "Thank you." "You can't use Jess, because she is a dream girl." "Here's the last thing I'll say before I leave." "Jess, I know it's not me, but... [sighs] you deserve somebody who knows how special you are." "Um, I'm going." "I'm going." "Don't go, Robby." "I'm not going out." "I'm-I'm going down!" "[gasping, shouting]" " Robby, no!" " Turkey!" "Turkey's down!" " Robby!" "Robby!" " Turkey's down!" "SCHMIDT:" "Oh, God!" " Relax!" " [grunting]" " CECE:" "Just..." " Okay." "It still looks good!" "The turkey still looks good." " [screaming] - [sizzling]" " Wait, what are you..." " It is hot!" "My skin!" " It's burning my skin!" " The hell you doing?" "!" "It was hot!" "It was hot!" "Now I got to eat a dirty turkey!" "What's wrong with you?" "GAVIN:" "This is all my fault." " You know I throw hot things!" " I'm so sorry." " It was fine!" " Turkey's expensive!" " Any more?" " This isn't on me!" "Furguson don't eat turkey from the ground!" "NICK:" "Oh, no." "I'm not taking the fall for this one." " It's all on you!" " I'm not taking the..." "Hey!" "Can we not yell at each other on Thanksgiving?" "!" "I recognize that I, too, am yelling." "And I'm-I'm sorry, Robby." "Wait." " [elevator doors shut] - [sighs]" "Great, he's gone." "[sighs] I was just starting to feel it." " Go." " Yeah, Jess, go." " Go." " Go!" " Go after him." " Save us some floor turkey." "Hey." "Look, I know you had high hopes for Thanksgiving with your dad." "You called it." "The guy is who he is." "You know, maybe you just need to drop this idea that he'll ever be the bigger man." "I think that needs to be you, babe." "You're the bigger man." "Son, I know you're probably tired of hearing both these statements and not likely to believe either, but..." "I'm leaving and I'm sorry." "Dad, I said..." "I said a lot of things earlier." "I don't want you out of my life." "I was waiting for you to be someone who you're not, but..." "I know who you are and I still love you." "But you-you need to listen to me, son to father, get a therapist." " Oh, I have a therapist." " A better one." "Okay." "And I shouldn't have to say this but one that you're not sleeping with." "Okay." "Wait!" "Robby!" "Robby, don't go." "I tried to Irish good-bye, but, uh, I'm moving a little slow." "When you were in there and you were saying all those things," "I realize I don't even really know you." "And I want to get to know you." "Jess, it's okay." "I-I don't want you to force something that's not there." "I felt it." "You felt the oomph?" "Yes." "I... [sighs]" "I'm sorry I'm being so confusing." "I-I think I'm as bad at Thanksgiving as I am at starting new relationships." " Yeah, you're pretty bad." " Robby, will you go on another date with me?" "♪ Come on, baby, make it hurt so good. ♪ [chuckles]" "Hell yeah, I'll go on another date with you." "Hmm." "I did already tell my mom about Phoenix though." " I hope that's okay." " Oh, of course." "I apologize in advance for the state of our main course." "♪ ♪" "Dad, would you like to do the honors?" "I think the man of the house traditionally does that." "♪ I am a house ♪" "Aw." "♪ Out of twigs and stones ♪" "I'm the m..." "I'm the man of the house." "Would you look at that?" " [phone buzzes, chimes]" " Oh, it's Reagan." "Oh, whoa." "You know, I've always wanted to do this." "Uh, read out loud." "FEMALE VOICE:" "In Omaha." "Heart emoji." "Smiling pile of poo emoji." "I want my tongue emoji on your monkey emoji." "Eh, come on, that's a little private." "S-Sorry about that." "She wants to tongue your monkey?" "What's your monkey?" "Smiling pile of poo?" "JESS:" "Oh, my God," "Schmidt and Cece will be in a new home next year." "Next year it's at our place." "Happy last loft Thanksgiving, everyone." "♪ Give and give ♪" "They weren't always perfect, but they were memorable." " Cheers." " Cheers." " Hey. [whoops]" " Hey." "CECE:" "Mmm." "Remember when you fell down that hole?" "Oh, and Schmidt cooked the meal in our dead neighbor's kitchen." " [laughing]:" "Ms. Beverly." " Mmm!" "Remember when we had sex with strangers?" "JESS:" "That's a misrepresentation of what happened." "Remember when your parents made it in the bathroom?" "Or last Thanksgiving, when we all accidentally took peyote and, Winston, you wouldn't let us break the wishbone." " Break the bone, lose the wish." " That's not true!" " That's not how it works." " That is not how it works." "NICK:" "Here's to Thanksgiving, everybody." "[cheering]"