"Come check this out." "Look at all this stuff I found up in the attic." "What?" "Wh..." "Why, that's my old trumpet." "I haven't seen that thing in ages." "Ha-ha-ha." "Oh, man, I didn't know you played the trumpet." "When I was in college a little bit, you know." "The girls all like a musician, you know?" "I met him after Princeton." "Wow, look at all this stuff." "My old coloring books." "My diary." "Wait a minute, I didn't have Barbie." "Who had a Barbie?" "Well, it's not mine." "My Barbie's at home fast asleep in her Barbie Dream House." "Um..." "It doesn't matter whose it is." "Let me see this trumpet." " Hey, hey, hey." "Morning, everybody." " Morning, Will." "Oh." "Y'all remember, don't nobody mention to Carlton that William Shatner's gonna be on Hilary's show." "Don't you think you're being unfair?" "He's coming on the show and you know Carlton is a huge fan of his." "Who's gonna be on Hilary's show, and who am I a huge fan of?" "Uh..." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Billy." "Billy who?" "Uh..." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Billy Butterworth." "You are never going to believe what's happened." "Oh, yeah." "Billy Butterworth's gonna be on your show." "Big deal." "What are you talking about?" "William Shatner's on the show." "Actor, director, novelist, bon vivant William Shatner?" "And you knew?" "You slept in the same pool house with me knowing this knowing what it would mean to me, and you didn't say a word?" "I don't even know who you are." "Look, Carlton, it ain't like I'm..." "Hello?" "I wasn't finished." " Hilary, you gotta introduce him to me." " No." "The network is so thrilled with all of our great guests that they wanna move the show to New York." " New York?" " Yeah." "There was a meeting with the VIPs and they think we're ready for the big time." "Oh, wait, wait." "Wait a minute, Hilary." "I can't just uproot just like that." "Okay." "What do you mean "okay?"" " I'm gonna be out of a job." " So come." "Hilary, I can't come." "I still gotta finish school." " Okay." " What...?" "Look, Hilary, how come I didn't find out about this before?" "Oh, don't tell me someone withheld information from somebody." "So just like that, you're moving to New York and I'm out of a job." "Okay." "What about New York?" "They're moving Hilary's show to New York." "Oh, my God, that's wonderful." "This is the best news I've ever heard." "It's unbelievable." "Ashley, you've never been this happy for me." "I still haven't been." "This is about me." " I can still move to New York." " Now, just hold on, young lady." "You said I couldn't move to New York and go to The School of Performing Arts because I couldn't move there by myself." " But now that Hilary's going..." " Oh, we'll be roommates." "Ashley." "Ashley, calm down." "There's more than that one reason for your not moving to New York." " Like what?" " Uh... I..." "I think you know." "No, I don't." "Come on." "Up in Dad's office, there's a Sunday New York Times." "We can find an apartment from there." "Hey, hey, hey." "Stay out of my office." "You can jump in here any time, Vivian." "Perhaps that iron fist that you rule with has gotten a bit rusty, sir." "Perhaps I should hit something." "Be careful of misguided anger, sir." "I'm gonna go down and have Shatner sign my copy of his new book, Man o' War." "What to wear?" "What to wear?" "What to wear?" "Hil, I gotta let you know, I'm more than a little upset about how you played me with this whole New York thing." "This is a wound that will not quickly heal." "Okay." "Hilary." "I'm Dick West." " I'm with the network." " Oh." "We're just pleased as punch to have you aboard, pretty lady." "Oh, thank you." "We're really excited about New York." "Everyone, I'd like you to meet William Shatner." " How you doing?" "Will Smith." " Nice to meet you." "Pleasure to meet you." "Bill, Bill, Bill, I'm Dick West." "I'm with the network." " Oh." " I noticed you drove in today." "Thought beaming down would be too flashy, huh?" "Good one, Dick." " Thanks, guy." "Hey, I'll catch you later, huh?" " Oh, yeah." "What is it about these suits that they feel they have to make some lame Star Trek joke when they start off?" " I don't unders..." " William Shatner." "I saw your car out in the parking lot." "I guess you thought beaming down would be too flashy, huh?" "Get it, huh?" "That's a good one, Dick." " Well, actually, his name is Carlton." " Who cares?" "Boy, the Twilight Zones." "The Star Trek episodes." "The movies." "The TekWar books." "T.J. Hooker." "Huh." "How about that Heather Locklear?" "Hubba, hubba." "Listen, now, you don't have to shoot anything for the next three hours." " Anything you wanna do?" " Yeah, get away from this guy." "Look, everybody, I just bought my first winter coat and mittens." "And I got long underwear, wool socks, scarves and earmuffs." "That's great." "It'll keep you nice and warm." "Warm?" "It doesn't get that cold in California." " Daddy, it's for New York." " Yes, but you're not going to New York." "Ooh." "And I got these great fleece-lined boots." "Oh, these are beautiful." "Ashley, is New York as far away as Disneyland?" "Nicky." "Nicky." "Sweetheart, she's not going to New York." " I know." "Can I come visit you?" " Yes." " I remember my first visit to New..." " Vivian." " Mexico." "Ah." "New Mexico." "Heh." "Nothing like taking a bite of the Big Ap..." "Tostada." "I am not losing both my daughters." "She's my baby girl, Vivian." "Daddy, you're not losing us." "You'll know exactly where we are." "We'll be in New York." " Let's go see what your sister bought." " Yeah." "You are not going to New York." "Vivian." "Vi..." "She's not going to New York." "You are not going to New York." "Did you hear...?" "I'm your fath..." "You're not going to New York." "She's not going to New York." "Oh." "All right." "Best three out of five." "All right, you wanna keep taking this here whooping." "Most people are intimidated by me." "They let me win." "Very funny, Will, giving me the wrong address." "Hello, Mr. William Shatner." "Hey." "All right." "Look, now, you can stay here and you can hang out." "But remember the rules." "All right, I won't talk." "I promise." "And?" "And if I feel myself getting overexcited, I take a time out." "All right." "Now go sit down somewhere." "Oh, I don't need a time out." "I don't need a time out." "I'm sorry, Will, I can't help it." "I forgot to ask you this at the studio, but would you please sign this picture?" "Just make it out to, "Carlton, my best friend on Earth, bar none."" "I can't." "I have this arrangement with the people who do the Star Trek conventions." "I have to charge you $50." "But I don't have $50." " Would you take a check?" " No." "Try and cash it at the bar." "And while you're there, get me a drink." "Coming right up, Mr. William Shatner." "You know that cousin of yours is really attractive." "Carlton?" " No, no, no." "Not him." " I mean, he cute but I ain't never really..." "Your cousin Hilary." "Oh." "Oh." "Heh." "Better watch it." "Hilary be taking aerobics and stuff like that." "It might hurt you." "Aerobics." "Ha." "That sounds good." "Well, nope, she's off limits, anyway." "She's taking her show to New York." "I'm out of a job." "She ain't even warn me." "Well, I'm sorry to hear that." "I've been canceled a time or two myself." "Always led to something better." "I mean, remember, as long you've got a job, you do the best job you can." "And look at you, you're a bright guy." "You'll bounce back on your feet." "Hey, thanks a lot, man." "Hey, you wouldn't happen to know anybody, would you?" "We move in different circles." " Here you go." " Thanks." "Now sit back down." "Will, I wanna play pool too." "No." "Come on, just one shot." "I wanna be able to say that I shot pool with William Shatner." "Carlton, he doesn't like you." "How could he like you more than me?" "You haven't even read any of his books." " He doesn't care about any of that stuff." " Well, I do." "Now give me the stick." " Let go." "Let go." " Give me the stick." "Oh!" "Oh." "My tooth." "You broke my tooth." "My tooth." "You broke my damn tooth." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "We can get you right to the dentist." " Stand back." "Stand back." " All right." "Don't worry, Jim." "We'll get you there warp speed." "Get a life." "I know a dentist." "We can get you there, have you fixed in time for The Hilary Show." "I'm not doing any show." "This is my mistake." "You can't take this out on my cousin." "I can take it out on anyone I want." "I'm William Shatner." "Will." "Did you sense the power in that man?" "Shut up." " He's in here." " Oh, great." "Listen, Will, I'm gonna hop in the chair with him." "Take a picture." "Quick." "Carlton." "No." "Would you stop acting stupid?" "Hey, Mr. Shatner, look, I'm really sorry that I busted your tooth, man." "But can you please come with us to do my cousin Hilary's show?" "Well..." "Look, you know, this is my mistake and I don't want you to take it out on Hilary." "This is really, really important to her." "Oh, man." "Carlton, he all hyped up on that goofy gas." "Man, turn that thing off." "Oh, boy." " Mm." " I don't know how to work this thing." "Look, come on." "Come on." "Snap out of it." ""Hangding."" "Carlton, he ain't snapping out of it, man." " I thought this room was empty." " You was wrong then, wasn't you, brother?" "All right, this what we gonna do." "I'm gonna pick him up." "I'm gonna put him over my shoulder, carry him out." "But you go out there first." "I need you to stay there." "Make sure that the coast is clear..." "Carlton?" "Carlton, what is the ma...?" "What is the matter with you, man?" "Carlton, would you stop playing?" "Come on, this is serious, man." "Hey, Bill, look." "I'm Timmy the Tooth." "Hi, Timmy." "Wait, wait, wait." "I wanna be Timmy." "Let me be Timmy." "Whoo!" "Hey, hey." "You Timmy the tooth." "I'm Bubba Gump." "Hey, wait." "Wait." "Wait a second." "Hey, Carlton, look." "Uncle Phil's toothbrush." "Hey, come on, let's brush." "Let's brush." "Let's brush." "Oh, wait, wait." "Hold on." "Now, let's rinse." "We gotta rinse it off." "Will, wait." "Wait." "I got an idea." "I got an idea." "I got an idea." "Let's brush his teeth." "No." "No, no." "I got a better idea." "Let's pick him clean." "Oh, my God." "Oh!" "Whoa!" "Spock, is that you?" "Your ears are the same but something's different." "Uhura." "Hey, open up the hailing frequency." "Captain, the dilithium crystals are almost gone." "The matter/antimatter reactors are failing." "Scotty, you're black." "The bridge, it's changed." "Spasers on spun." "Oh, my tooth." "Bones, fix it." "Damn it, Jim." "I'm a black boy from Philly, not a doctor." "Will, where have you been?" "And where is Mr. Shatner?" "He went..." "Oh." "He..." "Yo, Billy." "Where you at, boy?" "Here I go, dog." "Here you go, brother." "Throw your hands in the air" "If you's a true player" "This guy kills me." "He's killing me." "Will what did you do to him?" " Nothing." "Hey, Werner, I just wanna say I love you, man." "Sulu, where you been?" "And why are you out of uniform?" "I never liked that guy." "Mr. Shatner, look, I don't know what it is that this man has done to you." "But whatever it is, I apologize and I hope we can just work it out without any legal action." "What you talking about?" "This guy loves us, right?" "Absolutely." "I'll see you in court." "Everybody, rumba." " Rumba." " Rumba." " Thirty seconds for Mr. Shatner." " Mr. Shatner is not quite ready for air." "What do you mean not ready?" "Do you know who you're talking to?" "That's right, boy." "You better recognize." "Mr. Shatner, I didn't mean..." "No, no." "You better not had meant, I know you ain't mean." "Smarten up, Opie." "I may be in an altered state right now but when those cameras are on me and those lights hit me, I'll be 100 percent dope." " Oh!" " That's right, homey." "It's all good." "It's all good." "It's all good." "Works for me." "Let's get him on the stage." "Okay, posse, this way." " No, no, no." " What do you mean "no, no, no"?" "This way." "This way." "This way." "Hello, and welcome to Hilary." "Please give a warm Hilary welcome to actor, director and author of this new and exciting book, Man o' War, William Shatner." "William Shatner, what would you like to talk about?" "Girl, you a bad mamma jamma." "I know." "Oh, that goofy gas gave me such a headache." "Oh, look, I just wanna apologize for everything that I put you through." "The least I could've done was let you beat me at pool." "Whoa, wait a minute." "Beat me at pool." "You never beat me at pool." "Oh, Bill, Bill, Bill." "I see you still got your buzz on a little bit, huh?" "Listen, I can beat you at pool anytime, any place, any planet." "Don't let your mouth write a check your pool stick can't cash." " That sounds like a challenge." " Yes." "Well, put your hand there." " You call me sometime." " All right." "Okay." "And captain live long and prosper." "Hey, what about my autograph?" "Oh, look." "This one's on the Upper East Side." "Oh, the shopping there is unbelievable." "This is the happiest I've ever been." "Ashley?" "Sweetheart, I've been doing a lot of thinking and there's no reason for you to be so down." "I've decided..." "Are you ready for this?" " to let you move to New York." " But, Daddy..." " Honey, honey, let him have this one." "Oh, thank you, Daddy." " I'm telling you, Will." "He liked me more." " I believe you, Carlton." "He did like me more." "He did." "Okay." "Y'all was like brothers and I was really jealous." "Now, doesn't the truth make you feel better?" "Will, I know that the show's moving to New York came as kind of a surprise to you but I just wanna let you know that if you ever change your mind there'll always be a place for you at The Hilary Show." "Hey, well, thanks a lot, Hil." "You know, but you don't have to worry about me, you know." "Because by then, you know, I'll probably have my own show." "Yeah." "You know, because I might be unemployed now but I'm the type of brother you can't keep down." "Okay." "You know, because in the face of adversity you know, that's when Will Smith, you know, really shines." "You know, that's..." "You know, because I'm at my best." "Adversity put me in all my glory." "Adversification, but..." "You know, it's really good to see how much this family cares about what we think and feel." "It sure is." "I mean, you should have seen how Ashley felt about what I thought." "Yeah." "You should have saw how Hilary was acting about, you know, my future." "She was worried." "Yeah." "We got a lot to be thankful for, man." " Yeah, we sure do." "We sure do." " Yeah." "I lost my job, you lost your daughter." " Two daughters." " Two of them." "Deuce." "Deuce." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah, I got a lot to be thankful for." "Yeah, man." " Yeah." " Shoot." "Will you hold me?"