"JIMMY:" "Now that Hope was three, this was probably gonna be the first Christmas she remembered." "So I worked double shifts to be able to afford everything she wanted." "Of course, I wasn't just sacrificing my time," "I was sacrificing my self-respect." "(bells jingling)" "* We wish you a Howdy's Christmas *" "* We wish you a Howdy's Christ... *" "(bells jingling)" "* We wish you a Howdy's Christmas *" "* And a low-priced New Year!" "I'm guessing she has a coupon or two?" "Indeed." "BARNEY:" "I'll take this." "Sabrina, extreme couponers need to be dealt with by extreme cashiers." "Virginia." "Barney." "What have you got today?" "I have half off from the manufacturer, which is stackable." "That means she can combine it with other coupons." "So, I will also be using this 20% off store coupon, which I will them combine with a BOGO." "Buy one get one free." "What do you need with this many dryer sheets, anyway?" "They have thousands of uses." "They're great for getting rid of bugs." "You can use them as air fresheners." "Deodorant, napkins." "And if you're in a pinch, you can use one as a coffee filter." "You're abusing the system." "The grocery store economy is very volatile." "I'm already one broilworm larvae outbreak in Southeast Asia away from losing half my produce section, and now you're trying to kill me in home and garden." "Yeah, well, I really wouldn't worry about it because the world as we know it is going to end on Friday, Barney." "So while the rest of you are fighting each other over a sip of water from a radioactive puddle," "I will be sitting safely in my survival bunker sipping a nice, hot cup of static-free, spring-rain-scented java." "JIMMY:" "Did I not mention my mother thinks the world is gonna end next Friday?" "It all started about two years ago." "MAN:" "And when you look at the fact that the Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012, the only logical conclusion you can come to is the world is going to end." "Can that be true?" "Now, let's take a few callers..." "Wilfrid in Camden County." "WILFRID:" "What you're saying is totally true, man." "I heard it on a different radio show yesterday." "Oh, my God." "It's true." "Are we all gonna die?" "That's my worst fear... to be here one day and gone the next." "Like I never even existed." "I guess this means I need to get my bucket list started." "Bucket list?" "You're 114 years old." "What the hell have you been waiting for?" "Hey, I didn't know what a bucket list was." "The movie just came out." "By the way, spoiler alert... it sucks." "The good news is I found out about this now." "Now, I've got a plan." "The Chance family is gonna be ready for this." "Mom was serious about us preparing, so she gave us all jobs." "Dad was in charge of handling any looters, mutants or aliens." "So he'd know how to reason with them, he tried to learn some down-home psychology from Dr. Phil." "Aw, man." "He just said, "You can lie to yourself" ""and pretend you're on a first-class flight to London," ""but everybody else knows you're on a freight train to Stupid Town."" "That should make her stop huffing paint." "And if reasoning didn't work," "Dad was taking a Krav Maga class down at the community center." "Come on, use your extra arms." "He's got to be prepared for anything these aliens and/or mutants throw at us." "Kick him in the neck, Burt." "We have no idea where these aliens' testicles will be." "(groans)" "And since I was the best in the family at the game Operation," "Mom put me in charge of post-apocalyptic first aid." "So, hey, before you tape his stomach closed, can you show me which one of those things is his liver?" "Mom set up a survival bunker in the cellar and filled it with all the things necessary to survive, which she paid for using extreme couponing." "We're gonna be billionaires if I'm right about dental floss being the new currency." "(game buzzes) And Maw Maw was figuring out everything she wanted to do before she died." "Hey, Maw Maw, I found a coupon for the tattoo parlor." "Wasn't that on your bucket list?" "Well, it was until this morning." "(laughs)" "Now, all I got to do is go car-surfing, get in a fistfight, sleep with a black man and do stand-up comedy." "(game buzzes)" "(groans) Stupid breadbasket." "Even when we had major changes in our lives, we were still planning for the end of the world." "Hey, Sabrina, right?" "Oh, yeah, Johnny, right?" "Uh, close enough." "Do you guys have any more Band-Aids in the back?" "I'm supposed to get like 600 boxes." "Planning on skinning your knees a few times, are you?" "(laughs) Nah, nah." "We're stocking up for the end of the world." "I'm sorry, what?" "Dad, the cute girl at the grocery store told me that all this stuff about the end of the world is a fallacy, and fallacy doesn't mean "penis," it means "not true."" "Shh." "Watch it." "You want your mother to hear you?" "Of course the world's not gonna end." "You knew this?" "For how long?" "For years... went to the library and checked it out." "It's all a big hoax like bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster, or the Underwater Gorilla." "Then why are we stockpiling food and learning how to fight aliens and/or mutants?" "Jimmy, we got four-years worth of ice cream sandwiches in the basement." "Plus I get to spend my weekends fake-fighting aliens." "It's a win-win." "Aw, I guess you're right." "Besides Rosa's family's totally convinced." "We're gonna look like jerks if we don't at least pretend to believe." "And when the super volcano blows, the entire world will be covered in ash and all of humanity will be plunged into darkness and despair for thousands of years." "It's true." "Enjoy your caramel crunch." "Mommy, we're all gonna die!" "So rather than have a big fight with Mom, we just humored her." "Look what I bought online." "Turns urine into drinkable water." "It's used but I got a good deal." "Just needs a few go-rounds in the dishwasher." "Six more months and this'll all be over." "(clicking tongue, squeaks)" "(grunts)" "(groans)" "Nice work." "No matter where I had testicles, that would have hurt them." "Three more months and it'll all be over." "Drill!" "Evacuation drill!" "Sabrina, if you're gonna become a member of this family, you need a job... you're in charge of figuring out how to cook anything that survives the initial... whatever." "Now, everybody get out on the front lawn, tuck yourselves into a little ball and hold your breath." "You should be up to three minutes by now." "(yawns):" "One more month and this'll all be over." "Which brings us to today..." "Offer expires January fourth." "Coupon must be presented at time of purchase." "Each coupon good for a maximum of 12 boxes per customer!" "Customer can use a maximum of four coupons, which means you and Burt can only buy 96 boxes." "You need to put half these back." "Hopes buying some of these." "You'll have to put 48 boxes back." "Jimmy, get in line." "(groans)" "Three more days and it's all over." "Sure, for everybody else." "For us, it's just the beginning." "JIMMY:" "With all the craziness of preparing for the world to end, it was easy to forget that" "Christmas was right around the corner." "But I was still determined to make Hope's first Christmas memory a special one." "And that meant explaining all the traditions to Hope, and making sure we did every last one of them." "And then he leaves presents under the Christmas tree for everyone, but especially you." "(Maw Maw whooping)" "Only six more days till Christmas, and then you get to get the big piece." "Oh-oh-oh, not yet, honey." "We have to wait." "Can you please stop?" "Make me, Nancy boy." "I've only got three things left on my bucket list, and I need to get into a fistfight." "Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight you... you're a million years old and you broke your pelvis falling off the roof of that car." "I'm sorry, what did you just say?" "I'm not fluent in wussy." "I'll fight you." "You will?" "Oh, yeah." "I've been wanting to punch you in the face ever since you told me I looked like Ralph Macchio in drag." "Let's do this." "Hey, hey!" "Fistfight's happening." "I'd be careful, Sabrina." "Maw Maw doesn't always play by the rules." "I think I'll be all right." "(groans) Aw!" "Ow!" "(grunting and groaning)" "No!" "You're gonna have to be tougher than that, you skinny little" "Ralph-Macchio-looking bitch!" "(yelling)" "Well, we're all stocked up." "Guess there's nothing left to do but celebrate Christmas tomorrow, and then climb into our hazmat suits and wait for the Apocalypse." "What do you mean celebrate Christmas tomorrow?" "It's the 20th..." "Christmas is the 25th." "Jimmy, by the time the 25th rolls around," "Santa Claus will just be a desperate old man in a red suit peddling reindeer meat." "We're having Christmas tomorrow." "Sounds good to me, honey." "Good thinking." "All right, this has gone too far." "I am not celebrating Christmas tomorrow night." "We've invested two years in this." "We're not backing down now." "We're still gonna have real Christmas." "Consider this practice Christmas." "We'll all wear matching pajamas, we'll open some gifts." "It'll make your mother happy." "Fine." "But I'm not giving Hope her real presents until actual Christmas." "Do whatever you want." "All I care is that we're done by 8:00." "Your mother and I have quite the End of the World Eve Love Fest planned." "I'll spare you the graphic specifics of the things" "I'm gonna do to your mother." "It involves quite a bit of pudding." "I hope you didn't love her for her face." "'Cause she ain't so pretty no more." "So reluctantly, the next day we all celebrated fake Christmas with all of our Christmas traditions." "And as it turned out, there were actually some traditions I didn't mind doing twice." "Like opening gifts..." "Aw..." "A Hundred and One Recipes for Insects." "(both gasp)" "Sabrina, you shouldn't have." "You know, I just thought when we were running through crowds of people whose skin was melting off, this would be a nice way to keep things light." "This is awesome!" "Somebody rip a big one." "Let's see if this thing works." "JIMMY: ...or watching Ernest Saves Christmas three times in a row." "(laughing breathlessly)" "But there are some traditions you can only do once." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" "You can't eat the big chocolate until the 25th." "It's not the 25th." "Yeah, but we're celebrating Christmas tonight, so..." "You let her eat 21 through 24?" "Of course I did." "What do we have to wait for?" "It's Christmas." "No, it's not." "It's not Christmas." "Christmas is in five days, and that's when we're going to celebrate it." "I don't want her first memories of Christmas to be weird." "She's going to eat the proper chocolate on the proper day." "What are you doing?" "I'm gonna get the chocolate hard, break it off my finger, and then put pieces of it back in the calendar." "Jimmy... you're being silly." "I'm being silly?" "We've got three cases of dog food in the basement labeled "zombie bait."" "So what are you saying?" "You don't think something's gonna happen tomorrow?" "No." "No, I don't, Mom." "The only thing I think is gonna happen is that you're gonna feel like an idiot for eating 21 through 24." "Because you're crazy." "I'm not crazy." "Oh, please." "We all think you're crazy." "Even Maw Maw thinks you're crazy." "Burt, is that true?" "Does everybody think I'm crazy?" "Not I." "I think you're spot on with this whole thing." "JIMMY:" "Really?" "You think that, huh?" "Yes, I do." "Okay." "Wouldn't even worry about Jimmy." "He's not gonna last two weeks against the mutant spider army." "So..." "Jimmy, give me that." "What's that?" "(grunts)" "Since we're celebrating Christmas early," "I thought we should open up all the gifts." "Dad hid this in my room." "Looks like it has your name on it, Mom!" "Ow, ow." "Ow." "Pie-of-the-Month Club?" ""I know you're disappointed" ""that the world didn't end," ""but at least we have pie." "Love, Burt."" "You..." "Three hours." "You couldn't wait three more hours?" "And there goes my End of the World Eve Love Fest." "Ah, I can't believe I was nice enough to spare you the graphic specifics of what I was gonna do to your mother." "(whispering)" "Live with that image for the rest of your life, big mouth." "Well, it's ten seconds to midnight, Mom." "Maybe we should talk." "I would hate to be mad at each other when absolutely nothing happens." "That's funny, Jimmy." "You're a regular Tosh period zero." "Three... two... one." "Good night." "No one said it would happen exactly at midnight." "We got 24 hours." "*" "Morning." "Ah, another beautiful day, huh?" "Guess the Grim Reaper must've hit the snooze button." "Shut up." "Hey, baby!" "(gags)" "I tried your pee water thingy." "(gags)" "It kind of works." "Smart purchase." "(retches)" "Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Gutierrez." "This is not to you." "Not for you." "Kim Kardashian hasn't tweeted all day." "The government obviously has all the important celebrities hidden in an underground bunker." "(computer chimes)" "Oh, wait, never mind." "She was just getting a colonic." "(muffled):" "Thanks." "(music winds down, stops)" "(music resumes)" "Mom!" "Mom, Mom, Mom!" "Mom!" "Everything's fine." "(laughs)" "Ah!" "Guys." "Guys!" "Guys!" "(Jimmy chuckling)" "Hey!" "Those marshmallows are not toys, okay?" "They're only to be used as possum bait or for celebrating the victory of the surviving humans over the mutant aliens with s'mores, okay?" "VIRGINIA:" "Damn it!" "Hey." "So, nothing happened." "It's not the end of the world." "(laughs)" "I can't believe this." "This totally sucks." "Look, I know you planned for this to happen and everything, but aren't you the tiniest bit glad the world isn't over?" "No, I'm not." "This was supposed to be my moment, Burt." "I was finally going to show Jimmy that I could be a good mom." "Jimmy thinks you're a good mom." "Oh, please." "Every week he dredges up some parenting disaster from our past." "How I didn't breastfeed him, how his first steps were down a flight of stairs, how we forget him that time at a Whitesnake concert." "Oh, come on." "What nine-year-old gets to say they spent a week on the Whitesnake tour bus?" "I just thought that he would look at me as a good mom, if three-quarters of the human population was wiped out and I was prepared." "Just for the record, her pelvis was broken before I got here." "Oh..." "You got me dryer sheets." "Get used to it." "You're getting them for the next 374 years." "(knock on door)" "Ai, thank God you're here." "Oh, my God." "What happened to you?" "Since the world was going to end, we sold everything and bought one-way first class tickets to Disney World, so we could watch the end of civilization from Tomorrowland." "We thought it would be ironic." "ROSA:" "But then, when nothing happened, we had no money, and no way to get back." "It's hard to get picked up hitchhiking with an alpaca." "(alpaca hawks)" "What was that?" "He tried to spit at you, but he's dehydrated." "ROSA:" "What are we going to do?" "Carlos sold his ice cream truck," "I quit my job, we spent all our money, and all we have to show for it is feet full of blisters and a souvenir mug we've been using as a toilet." "Jimmy, go get your first-aid kit." "I'll get you guys some water." "Burt, calm her down." "(imitating Dr. Phil):" "You are gonna be okay." "You're worried that you won't come back from this?" "I'm here to assure you that dog don't hunt!" "What is he talking about?" "I don't know." "But it's very folksy and comforting." "(hawks)" "JIMMY:" "Without even really thinking about it we all sprang into action." "Dad found someone who didn't mind using recycled water." "Why are you recycling his pee?" "You could just give him water from the tap." "We're settling an old score." "Isn't that right, buddy?" "(bellows)" "Damn it." "Wacky Mexican pony, two;" "Burt, zero." "Oh!" "JIMMY:" "With so many people in the house, we had to figure out creative ways to be able to afford to feed everyone." "I hope everybody enjoys this." "It's glowworm tetrazzini." "And if I cooked it right, there should still be a little glow left." "ALL:" "Ooh..." "JIMMY:" "We let Rosa and her family move into the survival bunker we weren't using until they were back on their feet." "It took a while, but Mom sold all the stuff she'd been stockpiling, and used the money to help Carlos buy back his ice cream truck." "And before we knew it," "Rosa's family was back in business." "It turns out Mom did have us all prepared to deal with a disaster." "The disaster just turned out to be someone else's." "I gotta say, Mom... maybe you're not as crazy as I thought." "Why, 'cause Rosa's crazier?" "The world still didn't end, Jimmy." "I'm not gonna start patting myself on the back 'cause Rosa's a bigger idiot than I am." "Sure, the world didn't end, but when you thought it was going to, you didn't blow everything to have fun, like Rosa did." "You made sure your family was protected." "That's pretty cool." "That is pretty cool." "Hey, where's Maw Maw?" "I don't know." "She said she had something to do." "If you ever voted for a president whose picture's on money, you might be an old person." "(crowd laughs)" "If the expiration date on your can of peaches has Roman numerals on it?" "You might be an old person." "You ever had a three-way with Lewis and Clark, might be an old person." "(crowd laughs)" "If you throw away your change purse and start keeping your quarters in your elbow, you might be an old person." "If you ever bought or sold a human being..." "You might be an old person." "You might be an old person."