"(funky disco plays) My name is Cleveland Brown" "And I am proud to be" "Right back in my hometown" "With my new family" "There's old friends and new friends" "And even a bear" "Through good times and bad times" "It's true love we share" "And so I found a place" "Where everyone will know" "My happy mustached face" "This is The Cleveland Show." "Sync, corrected by elderman (chuckles)" "The Cleveland Show 02x06 // Fat and Wet Original Air Date on November 21, 2010" "Love the pool, Cleveland." "Yeah, who says pools need to... need to be in the ground or look nice?" "I went into the Tar-zhay to get some medicated arch supports, and I walked out with this sweet-ass pool!" "You walked out with this whole pool?" "Fit in my trunk." "(clicks tongue)" "Water not included." "(gasping breaths)" "Nine rings." "New record." "Opened my eyes, too." "No goggles, no regrets." "You getting in, Junior?" "No." "I don't like to take my shirt off in front of people, on account of my Frisbee nips." "Mine has grown together so they look like the MasterCard logo." "(chuckles) Priceless." "(both sigh) (music stops abruptly)" "Roberta, I don't mean to embarrass you or sound old-fashioned, but..." "ye maidenhood's showing." "My what?" "!" "Your..." "You know what?" "It doesn't matter." "You're doomed." "Ow!" "Bitch!" "My bad." "From where I was standing, it looked like I was throwing to a man." "(gasps) Rallo!" "What did I tell you about getting too close to this pool?" "Calm down, Donna." "The boy's just trying to have some fun." "Don't tell me to calm down." "I told you, I think this pool is dangerous." "It's like now we've got two loaded guns in the house." "Hey, is that Djimon Hounsou?" "Where?" "!" "Aah!" "Ha-ha!" "Now you got to change your clothes!" "And get your hair done!" "And get a new cell phone!" "(low snoring)" "(low snoring continues)" "(sighs) Junior's been snoring every night this week, Cleveland." "Why don't you just go in there and wake him up?" "I would, but he started locking his door at night because he's scared of the rock band Kiss." "He saw them on American Idol and thinks they're real." " Cleveland, he is 14 years old." " I know." "Well, I read in Reactionary Parent Magazine that sometimes snoring is a symptom of serious health problems." "Snoring is?" "!" "RALLO:" "Stop making so much noise, you fat loser!" "He can't help it, Rallo!" "I wasn't talking to him." "Oh." "I'm sorry!" "Good night!" "I make so much noise sometimes." "Stupid!" "Here, put these Band-Aids in your pocket." "But, Daddy, that's stealing!" "They're free!" "Hurry!" "Well, Junior, your tests are back, and it appears you have one of the most overdiagnosed childhood disorders in America:" "sleep apnea." "But you really have it." "Probably." "I think a light diet and losing a few pounds should solve this and what I imagine are countless other problems in your life." "Doctor, Junior's been on a "light diet" for years." "Yeah." "What else you got?" "Well, there is something called a C-PAP machine." "Here you go." "Cool!" "(laughs)" "I'm Jacques Cousteau...!" "Ow." "Hey, those aren't your Band-Aids!" "(gasps) Junior!" "Stealing?" "!" "Good morning, family!" "Oh, sweet Lord!" "How'd you sleep, Junior?" "Better than ever." "I'm alert, I have tons of energy, and my poo came out with no tears!" "I feel so good, I'm gonna wear this mask to school today." "Junior, I don't want you to embarrass yourself by wearing that to school, but if you're going to, at least take off your underwear so no one can pull it over your head." "Okay." "One problem at a time, Donna." "(bell rings)" "(exhausted panting)" "(continues panting)" "(continues panting)" "(continues panting)" "(stops panting)" "(heroic theme playing) (clanging)" "(rapid thumping)" "(whirring) (all laughing)" "Look, everybody, it's Robohog." "Hey, it's Optimus Prime Rib!" "(laughter)" "Get it?" "'Cause in that mask, you look like a fat robot." "(laughter)" "No, I got it." "But I need my mask to breathe properly." "Breathe properly?" "What are you, gay for oxygen?" "Derek, we all need oxygen." "Yeah, man, stick to the fat jokes." "Fine." "'Sup, Fatty?" "(laughter)" "He's back!" "Why so blue, Junior?" "I got made fun of because of my fat problem." "I'm sorry to hear that." "(squeaky groaning) Weh... eh, weh..." "You want a piece of pizza?" "Oh!" "Sure!" "Thank you!" "You know, it seems like us heavysets are the only group you're allowed to make fun of anymore." "Well, us and even the smartest of the Polish." "There should be a hate-crime law for people like us." "Or a weight-crime law!" "(gasps) That's it!" "If we got a law passed to protect us from ridicule, all our problems would be solved." "Then it's settled-- we're doing it!" "Thanks, Miss Kendra." "Now, give me a hug." "Mmm." "(grunting)" "Cleveland, we are completely out of graham crackers." "Will you keep an eye on Rallo while I run to the store?" "Make sure he stays out of the pool." "Cleveland." "Cleveland, do you hear me?" "Yes, Donna." "Lou Ferrigno could hear you." "He drops back." "Oh, he sees an opening, and he takes..." "Aah!" "Help!" "I can't swim!" "Somebody help me!" "CLEVELAND (muffled):" "Oh, my God, no!" "They're doing another season of The Bachelor?" "Hmm." "This world." "TV ANNOUNCER:" "...is now one and one with two outs, runner at first." "TV ANNOUNCER:" "...two outs, with a runner on first." "Wait a minute." "I don't remember buying a coaster shaped like a dead kid!" "Rallo!" "My angel!" "Oh, can you hear me?" "Oh, God, if you die, I am never getting laid again!" "(grunting)" "(electrical zapping, loud humming)" "(grunting)" "(exhaling repeatedly)" "Yecch!" "I should've done this before the plunger." "Aah." "I got to bury the body." "(car alarm chirps)" "(coughing)" "Even better!" "(car alarm chirps)" "Rallo, are you okay?" "!" "Mm..." "You saved my life, old man." "From now on, you need anything, you come to me." "Oh, I don't need anything from you-- other than to never mention this to your mother!" "Why not?" "You're a hero!" "Yes, but..." "Rallo, if your mother finds out you were running around this pool, whoo-hoo, boy, will she be mad-- at you." "She might even ban you from the pool completely." "A hero and a genius." "I won't say a word, but I will never forget this." "Like E.T. never forgot Elliot." "(phone rings)" "Hello?" "E.T. phone Elliot!" "Oh." "Hey." "What's up?" "Nothing since we talked yesterday." "Do you still have that bike?" "Again, no, E.T. I don't still have the bike" "I had when I was ten." "What about the blanket?" "Nope." "No blanket, either." "Listen..." "I got to go, E.T." "Elliot...!" "What?" "!" "Hi." "My name is Cleveland Brown Jr., and I'm here to recruit you!" "For too long, this world has marginalized and ridiculed fat people, assuming that just because our feet are often numb, that we don't have feelings." "But they're wrong!" "My name is Kendra Krinkelsac, and our ballot measure guarantees equality for all obese heterosexuals." "(sobbing)" "Hey, it'll be okay." "We'll vote for this one, and then, in time..." "In time." "Glad I lived to do this for you, old man." "'Cause I saved you, I saved you." "Mm-hmm, yes, I did, yes, I did." "Cleveland, how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your baseball cards spread out all over our bed?" "I was seeing which guys I had and which guys I need!" "Cleveland, how many times do I..." "Hold up, Mama-- you need to treat this man with the respect he deserves." " Up-bup-bup-bup-bup." " Excuse me?" "No, Cleveland, she needs to hear." "This man's a hero." "He saved..." "Yeah, money on car insurance with Geico." "(forced chuckle) Get it?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "Hey, I almost forgot, Djimon Hounsou's in the front yard." " Really?" "!" "(relieved sigh)" "You were supposed to be watching me the other day when I fell in the pool, weren't you?" "Yes, I was, yes, I was." " And I almost drowned?" " Mm-hmm." "You realize I own you now, right?" "That you do, yes." "Empty your pockets so I can take what I want." "Dang!" "Well, well, well, what have we here?" "That's my grandfather's pocket watch." "I think you mean my pocket watch." "There is no way on God's Earth" "I am letting you have that watch... (loud crying)" "Cleveland wasn't watching me, and I almost drowned in his white-trash above-ground pool!" "Here, take the watch, you little hombitch." "All right!" "I love this watch." "It's classy." "(with British accent):" "What time is it, you say?" "A quarter past the hour?" "So, Cleveland and Lester, how does it feel to have your son and wife be the laughingstock of our town?" "Shut up, Eraserhead." "Laughingstock?" "What are you talking about?" "According to the news," "Junior and Kendra are the king and queen of the fatties." "(laughter)" "I boned a fat chick once." "As a goof." "Had to date her for eight months before she let me." "Fell in love, asked her to marry me." "She said no." "Said she boned a short guy as a goof." "(scoffs) Chicks aren't funny." "Ah, drink up, fellas." "You don't want to be sober when you walk into that booth and see your names associated with the grossest thing on Earth." " Fat people." " Fat people." "Prolapsed rectums." "Hey!" "Prolapsed rectums are not funny!" "(dramatic TV news theme)" "Shh, shh." "It's coming." "It's results time." "I wish I could cross my fingers." "MALE ANNOUNCER:" "Here now with the news, Dwayne Meighan." "Good evening." "I'm Dwayne Meighan." "Today was the day when they had had an election." "Everybody went and said what they had about a measure called the Brown/Krinklesac for the fat people or the fat individual." "They had people that you were signed your name on a sheet, and then you could say yes or no and that... was for you, but everybody got to say yes or no." "At this juncture, several people, on a voluntary basis, had counted what they had called a ballot, that was what they had said yes or no." "They had made one pile for yes and another pile for those who said no." "Both piles were then counted, double-check, as a result for which was made official." "Word had been the measure had been actually defeated." "Oh!" "I'm sorry, Junior." "They had had a camera out at what they had called a polling place earlier with my friend Larvell." "Larvell?" "Um, I'm actually at the polling place, and, um, there were some that had, um, some guys..." "Hey, wait." "Here's some guys." "Um, hey, guys... (quieter):" "did y'all, um," "(into mic):" "vote on Brown/Krinklesac?" "Yeah." "These guys voted." "Hey, um," "(quieter):" "how did y'all vote?" "We both voted, "Hell no!"" "That's right!" "N-O." "No!" "So, suck on that, fatties!" "(both laughing)" "I think we're in big trouble, Lester." "That is, until we..." "disappear!" "(screaming)" "Seems like that's the story now." "Hmm?" "You know, Ms. Kendra, right now I weigh more than I ever have in my whole life, and yet, I've never felt smaller." "That's beautiful." "You know what's ironical, Junior?" "Nothing." "Ironical isn't a word." "Nothing is ironical." "But go ahead." "I was just gonna say that, all I wanted was to be accepted, but now I feel more left out than ever." "That's beautiful, too." "Even though it's kind of exactly what I just said." "And it wasn't just our families." "This whole town is full of skinny jerks." "You know what?" "We don't need them." "There's got to be someplace better than this." "Where people are free to be who they are." "Where a person is judged not by the size of their belly, but by the color of their skin." " Huh?" " Screw Stoolbend." "We're hitting the road, Junior!" "Yay!" "(upbeat music plays)" "(calming Muzak plays)" "(upbeat music plays)" "(calming Muzak plays)" "(upbeat music plays)" "(engine revving, tire squeak) What are you doing, man?" "Where's my Kool-Aid?" "(sighs) Rallo, I've been busting my butt, following your orders all day." "I just finished ironing your clothes, and painting that Eazy-E mural over your bed." "I'm exhausted." " Give me a minute." " A minute?" "Oh, is that how long I was unconscious, or was it longer?" "Now, get out of that pool and make me a Kool-Aid." "You're crazy!" "No." "I'm just bigger than you." "You're five years old, and I'm not gonna let you order me around my own house anymore." "But you almost killed me!" "No, you almost killed you." "I just wasn't paying attention." "And I should have been." "I'm truly sorry." "(yells) What was that for?" "!" "That was for making me eat a stick." "We straight?" "Yeah-yeah... yeah, we-we straight." "Good." "I love you, Rallo." "Now learn to swim." "The river's that way." "Yes, sir." "Man, I got this parenting thing down." "Hmm." "Haven't seen Junior in a couple days." "You had me kick in for gas money, but I notice this runs on electricity." "Hmm?" "(muttering)" "Junior, I think I see something just over this hill!" "I've heard tell, but I never knew it was real." "They call it..." "Wisconsin." "(dramatic music plays)" "(rumbling)" "Look at me!" "I'm walking again!" "Hey, you folks want to try some crazy butter?" "What's that?" "It's three sticks of butter in a mug with melted cheese on top." "Hells, yeah, I want that crazy butter. (starter pistol fires) (laughter)" "(laughter)" "(wheezy panting)" "I thought eating anything and everything would solve all my problems, but maybe... the eating is a symptom of other problems!" "You just blew my mind." "Out of my way, large sir!" "Move it!" "Aw, everybody's sticky!" " Dad?" " Lester?" "How did you find us?" "I got a LoJack for your Rascal when Cleve... uh, those Puerto Ricans moved in down the street." "Well, you wasted your time coming here." "You hurt me, Lester." "Kendra, you may be morbidly obese, but I'm the one who acted like a big fat fool." "Because, disgust me or not, I love you." "Please come back." "I don't know." "I strongly urge you to consider your options." "Let's go home!" "Let's go home, too, Junior." "Not until you apologize for what you did." "I'm sorry you're fat." "Junior, fat people don't deserve special treatment just because they're fat." "Being fat is a choice." "Do you choose to be pudgy?" "Wha...?" "!" "You-you think I'm pudgy?" "!" "Hurtful." "(sobbing)" "That's it." "No more fries." "Just chips." "Or cheese fries." " You want some cheese fries?" " I could eat." "Sync, corrected by elderman"