"(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Ripped By mstoll" "No, madam." "The "Do not disturb" sign is hanging on the inside of your door for you to use." "Yes!" "You're free to leave the room whenever you wish." "You're welcome." " Did you hear that?" " Unbelievable." "(SIGHS)" "(LAUGHS)" "I had a man yesterday who asked me if the beach was air-conditioned." "Well, I know the nudist beach isn't." "So I assume the Levante's the same." "Good morning." "Eh..." "Oh, welcome to the..." "Salon's very busy today." "What?" "Ah, don't say that, I was hoping to nip in for a pedicure on me lunch hour." "Is it safe to use an angle grinder in such a confined space?" "Eh?" " Nothing." " (PHONE RINGING)" "Good morning, Solana." "So how can I help you?" "WOMAN ON PHONE:" "Hello, I was wondering if you have any rooms free next week..." "Hello?" "Hello?" " Paper?" " (MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS)" "Tiger, today's paper." "No thanks." " Fancy a swim?" " No." "What about a drink?" "No, thank you." "You gotta crack your face sometime, son." "You been sulking all day." "I'm not sulking." "It's called embarrassment." "Everyone's embarrassed when they're a teenager." "You just got to work your way through it." "You!" "I'm embarrassed about you!" " What are you embarrassed about me for?" " Let me think." "What did my 52-year-old father do last night that could have possibly have been embarrassing?" "Umm..." "Pervin' over women half his age and when they said they weren't interested, getting into a fight with them!" "Which one was supposed to be half my age?" "You've got to be joking." " They were a right pair of munters." " So why were you chatting them up, then?" "(MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS)" "Who keeps texting you?" " Auntie Terri." " You tell her, she's got to keep her nose out of my business." "Don't believe a word she says." "It's all a load of rubbish, you hear me?" "Okay!" "Hola!" "Jacqueline, we need to talk." " Oh, morning." " Morning." " I've been sick with worry all night." " Worry?" "What are you worried about?" "You don't remember I propositioned you last night?" " No." " Really?" "Not that I remember." "You just, uh, finished your drink, said you were having an early night and went off to bed." "My God!" "Those two lager shandies must have hit me hard last night." "I haven't drunk pints since I was 18." " I think I'm still a bit tiddly." " That is a relief." "I've been wringing my hands all morning." "I've been up since 7:00 as well." "Half the day's gone now." "Don't worry about it." "I've got nothing planned." "Well, I say that." "I might have a dip in the pool later on." "Hmm, I don't think I could spend another day just sitting staring at the pool." "I tend to get panic attacks if I've got nothing to do." "You know, alone." "With my thoughts." "Glynn, I said last night, why don't you just call your wife and say you think this wife-swap thing was a mistake." "Oh, no." "She's having the time of her life." "Every time I text her to see if she's okay," " she says she can't get enough of it." " Well," "Donald is an amazing man." "I know I instigated this whole thing, but I can't get over the fact that you're so happy with your husband spending time with another man's wife." " My wife!" " Well, I look at it this way." "Our next door neighbour has a drill, but it doesn't have a hammer function." "You know, to go into solid walls like ours does." "So we're only too happy to let them borrow it from time to time." "But you can't compare your husband to an electric hammer drill." "Well, you say that." "(CHUCKLES)" "Mateo, can you help Lesley set up this competition he's doing in Neptune's for tonight?" "I think he'll need some tables from the Hawaiian function room." "No problem." " Everything is okay?" " You're looking very fresh-faced." " What is fish-faced?" " Not fish-faced." "Fresh-faced." "You know, youthful, boyish." "Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed." "I think I understood until you got to the bushy-tailed." "You haven't been to see Kenneth by any chance, have you?" " Kenneth?" " Yeah." "I notice business is very brisk for him lately." "Most people seem to be leaving his salon looking 10 years younger." "No." "I do not know about this." "Perhaps because I have a shave today, maybe this is why you like my bushy tail." "Close your eyes and lean forward." " What are you going to do?" " Do you like working here?" "No." "I'll rephrase that." "Do you need this job?" " Yes." " Then close your eyes and lean forward." "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to jab you in the forehead with this drinking straw." "Okay, tell me when you are going to do it." "Hello?" "Miss Temple Savage?" "Can I open my eyes now?" " Right." "Who's next?" " It's uh, Lorraine next." " Lorraine?" " (INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Uh, Kenneth." "Could I have a word, please?" "Sorry, Joyce, I'm rushed off my feet." "Fine." "I'll just go and check your electricity supply." "Make sure there are no imminent blowouts." "That's blackmail." "Actually, you're in luck, I was due a fag break anyway." "Back in five minutes, ladies." "Kenneth, Kenneth!" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" " (DOOR SLAMS)" " Come on, we'll have to go outside." "Hang on." "This won't take a minute." "I need to know what you're doing in there." "Well, what we always do." "Hair and beauty." "Then why are you all dragged up like Dr Kildare?" " Who?" " Kenneth," "I need to know what's going on in my hotel." "Head office have been on the phone and I can't stall them any longer." " Head office?" " Crystal Hennessy-Vass herself." "Well, we've started to... diversify." " Well, go on." " Waxing, eyelash tint, a bit of Botox." "Botox!" "I knew it." "Don't you need a licence for that?" " Shh!" "Keep your voice down." " I'm sorry, Kenneth." "I cannot allow backstreet Botox on my premises." "This kind of thing has to be administered by a licenced medical practitioner!" "All right." "Don't get your knickers in a twist!" "I'm not exactly Vera Drake." "I don't see how I can keep this from head office." "How many do you want?" "I beg your pardon?" "How many free Botox sessions do you want?" "Do you honestly think my loyalty to the Solana group can be paid off with free Botox injections?" " Three sessions." " Five." " 7:30." " 6:00." "See you there." "Come on, hurry up, the clients are starting to turn ugly." "I know." "Why do you think we're doing this in the first place?" "(CHILDREN SQUEALING)" "Right." "Better start thinking about a bit of lunch." "A little light salad, I think." "Got to get back to my fighting weight." "(SIGHS) Yeah, go on, I'll have a salad as well." "Two ensalada mixta coming up." " Actually, you better make that three!" " TERRI:" "It's bleedin' boiling." " You can take your coat off." " Then I'd have to carry it." "Shut your mouth, Clive, you're catching flies." "What the bleedin' hell you doing here?" "I'm on me holidays." "Did you know she was coming?" "Well, she texted me from the airport, but you told me" " not to believe anything she says." " I got free air miles with my Braun Intimate Lady Shaver." "I just got out of the bath last night, was giving me growler a short back and sides, when I thought, "I wonder if them air miles are still valid?"" " Oh, my God!" " And here I am!" " Surprise!" " (TIGER LAUGHS)" "Here, Ti." "Give us a hand with me case." "Room 382." "You go on ahead." "I can't walk fast 'cause I got a bit of stubble rash." "It's making me walk like John Wayne." "Come on, sweetheart." "It doesn't hurt." "It's just like four or five injections into your face." "Maybe nine or 10." "No, son." "I don't think Botox is for me." "Thing is, I'd be worried it took all the character out me face." "Maybe just take a bit of character out of your face." "What?" "Be just like all the other women walking around Benidorm?" "No chance!" "Hey, where do you want this?" "Oh, good lad, I've been waiting for that." "Hey, can you man the bar while I go and sort me questions out for tonight?" " Sure, no problem." " Mateo, tell me dad the Botox don't take all the character out of your face." "Botox?" "I do not know anything about Botox." "Right then, I'd better be off." "Don't forget, big darts quiz night tonight." "I'm calling it Arrows and Answers." "Heh-heh-heh-heh." "I'll see you later." "Hey, what happened to your client conventionality?" "Client confidentiality is a bit pointless when you're a 45-year-old man with a face like a 12-year-old trapped in a wind tunnel." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Okay, move out of the way!" "Move out of the way!" " What happened?" " Are you friends with this woman?" "No, but she's my sister." "Oh, my God!" "What's happened?" "She has been hit on the head by a falling lemon." " Falling from where?" " From a lemon tree." "But the only tree around here is a palm tree." "No, this is a lemon-palm tree." "It's exclusive to Benidorm." "It didn't hit her on the head!" "It hit her in the face!" "How does a lemon fall from a tree that high and then turn a corner to hit somebody in the face?" "I was once caught in the face with a banana." "At a wedding reception in Dewsbury." "That seemed to go around a corner, it nearly took me eye out." "TERRI:" "Oh, what happened?" "What happened to me?" "Where am I?" "Oh!" "Hello!" "Who are you?" "You're fit as." "Oh, my God!" "She's hallucinating." "My name is Mateo." "You have had a tragic freak accident where no one is to blame." " Do you feel okay?" " What'd you say your name was?" " My name is Mateo." " Mateo!" "Mateo!" " Are you feeling okay?" " No, not really." " Can you describe your symptoms?" " Well, for a kick-off, my Auntie Mary's twitching like a rabbit's nose." "Right, that's it!" "There's nothing wrong with her." " Come, let's get her up!" " There's nothing wrong with her?" "She's got a massive black eye." "What's going on?" "Is everybody okay?" "There has been an accident." "I think they call it a force of God." "You know, where there are no responsibles." "You wanna get someone up that palm tree to pull the rest of those lemons off." "They're a death trap!" "TERI:" "Mateo!" "Mateo!" "I want Mateo!" "What exactly happened?" "I think the lemon fall from the tree." "Maybe." "It hit the woman in the face." "You mean, this waxed lemon fell from that palm tree and hit that woman full in the face." "It is a mystery." "Take this lemon and put it with the fruit in the bowl which just happens to be sitting on your bar." "And let us hope, for your sake, the woman that got hit in the face with the lemon does not solve the mystery." "Because that will put you out of a job." " What's going on?" " Closing early." "I'm afraid we've run out of supplies." "A victim of our own success, you might say." "What you talking about?" "I've got an appointment at 6:00!" "Are you deaf?" "I've just told you we've sold out!" " Haven't we, Liam?" " Completely sold out." "I've gone through more needles this week than a crack house at Christmas." "Now, listen to me, we had a deal!" "Look!" "It's not shampoo we've run out of!" "I can't just send Liam out to the Chinese shop to get a bag of Botox now, can I?" "We could always borrow some off Herbert." "There you go!" "We can borrow some off Herbert." " You don't even know who Herbert is!" " No, I know I don't." "But he's got some spare Botox." "Shh!" "Keep your voice down, will ya?" "Look!" "Why can't you just wait until Monday?" "Wait until Monday?" "What are you talking about?" "My face is dropping with every passing second!" " She's got a point." " Thank you!" "Oh, for God's sake!" "Look, just go up to Herbert's and ask him if he can lend three or four boxes." "Three or four boxes!" "I'm not that bad!" "Calm down, they're not all for you." "I'll be next door in the Piccadilly bar having a well-deserved pint." "Right." "We'll give you a shout when we're ready for you." "I hope you're not going to have a drink before injecting into my face!" "Well, what I was thinking of doing was getting completely hammered and then put you up in front of the dartboard for that quiz tonight and then try to score 180 in your forehead with three hypordermics." "He's joking." "We'll give you a shout when we get back." "So, basically, it's teams of two is what we're looking for." "One dart player and one quiz player." "Now, we've only got space for four teams." "So, come on!" "Don't be shy!" "We're gonna get started after this next number." "Are you any good with arrows?" " Arrows?" " Darts!" "Because I'd probably have somebody's eye out." "Mind you, I'm not that good at general knowledge either." "I mean, I love my puzzle books, but without Donald" "I wouldn't know the capital of Paris." "The capital of France." "I don't know that either." "Come on, you throwing the darts and me answering the questions." "Weren't you once in a women's darts team?" " Not quite." " A men's darts team?" " Dad, I'm putting our names down." " Yeah, whatever." "You could still be concussed, you know that." " You should be in bed." " I intend to be." "And not on me own." "Hola!" "How are you feeling?" "Oh, not too bad, thanks." "I didn't put any make up on my bruise 'cause it hurt too much." "You must think I look horrendous." "Yes, but you cannot see the bruise." "Any drinks?" "Yes, same again." "I'll be up there with the quiz." "Okay." "I think he likes you." "Now, come on, ladies and gents, I know there's no prize, but it's only a bit of fun." "There must be two more people out there that wanna play." "No?" "'Cause I'm gonna start with the questions." "Nobody else?" "Okay!" "Well, the first..." "Jesus!" "What the hell was that?" "You could've have taken somebody's bloody eye out!" "Who was that?" "You've got your final team, my friend." "Geoff Maltby." "AKA The Oracle." " And I'm Noreen." "I'm..." " And she's me PA!" "Let's do this." "Hit it, Darren!" "(SIMPLY THE BESTPLAYING)" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Calm down, fella." "It's only a game." "No, my friend." "Believe me." "It's never "only" a game." "Where've you been?" "I told you I was going to the Piccadilly." "I didn't think you'd still be there." "I was gone ages." "Tell me about it, I've exhausted me repertoire," "I did, A Wonderful World, Little White Bull," "I texted you to see if you wanted to do Cinderella Rockefella, but you never replied." "(BURPS)" " Are you drunk?" " No, I am not drunk!" "How dare you?" " I've had three or four pints." " Three or four pints?" "Oh, now give us that here." "The Wicked Witch of the West will be here soon." "Wanting her face pumped with poison." "Oh, haven't seen these before." "How much did Herbert charge you for these?" "They're not from Herbert." " Who are they from, Curl Up and Die?" " No!" " Julie's?" " No." "Oh, they're not from Benny in the indoor market, are they?" "She'll have mixed these up herself." "I got them from the Chinese shop." "What?" "I was taking the piss when I said that." "I know you were but I'd been everywhere else and nobody seemed to have any so I thought it can't hurt to ask and they gave me these." "It's not actually Botox, but it'll do the trick." " How much were they?" " How much do you usually pay?" "Can't remember." "About 80 euros a box." " 4 euros." " 4 euros!" "Per box!" "That's four boxes, 16 euros." "But I haggled them down to 10!" "Liam!" "Right." "If you don't do this now, I'm cutting off your water!" "Well?" "Take a seat." "Come on, fella!" "You're holding up the quiz!" "You don't understand, do you?" "It's not me against them, it's me against the board." " I'm psyching the board out." " Well, can you do it a bit quicker?" "Or we'll have a riot on our hands." "(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" " Yes!" " (CROWD CLAPPING) 180!" "Get in!" "Get in!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "Is this guy for real?" "He had a few sugary drinks on the plane." "You must've been giddy first day of your holiday." "Yeah, when I was 12." "Okay, that's the first round to Geoff." " The Oracle." " Oh, sorry." "The Oracle." "Eh..." "And the question is general knowledge." "Noreen, for 180 points." "Philip Treacy is most famous for designing what?" "Oh, heck now." "Let me think." " Um..." " (MOUTHING)" "No, you'll have to do it again." "I mean, can I have the question again?" "Philip Treacy is most famous for designing what?" "I think the answer is..." "Cats!" "Does Tracy Philips design cats?" "It's actually Philip Treacy." "But, is "cats"your final answer?" "You all right?" "Yeah, thanks." "Yes!" "Cats!" "Final answer." "I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer." "But I can hand it over." " Is it hats?" " It is indeed." " 28 points scored!" " (CROWD CLAPPING)" "Okay, second round, Clive to throw first." "Go on, Dad!" "Go on!" "LES:" "Two!" "Three!" "Another two." "Seven scored." "Eh, don't be afraid of using the top half of the board, fella." "I can always pull 'em out for you." "(CHUCKLES)" "Cheeky bastard." " Your drinks." " Here." " Does my eye look a bit wonky?" " What is wonky?" "You know, a bit dodgy." "Everything's a bit blurred." "Can you have a look?" "No, I think it's okay." "I might have to go and have a lie down." "Room 382." "The thing is, I haven't got one of them signs for the door." "Do you know what I mean?" "Do you think I might be disturbed?" "Well, do you mean like, crazy?" "Is not for me to say." "No, I mean, without the sign on the door, what are the chance of someone entering my... private space?" "Room 382." "Don't worry, the hotel is very safe." "There is almost zero chance of any person entering your private space for the whole of your holiday." "Yeah." "Story of my life, mate." "Just a score of one there, Barry." "Unlucky." "Right, Clive's up next." "Bloody hell, that was fast!" "Let's have a look." "25, 10, another, 20, 55." "Puts you in the lead!" " Good arrows!" " Danke schön." "Right, Geoff's next on the oche." "Now, he's scoring big but his teammate can't seem to come up with the answers." " Do you mind?" " Oh, sorry, sorry." "Just settling now." "55 to beat." "What is wrong with you?" "Why do you keep talking?" "I'm just doing what they do on the telly." "Don't, just shut up!" "(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)" "And while we're at it, can we have a bit of order, please!" "And for God sake, how am I supposed to concentrate with that racket going on?" "Eh?" "(MURMURING QUIETS DOWN)" "Thank you." "Well, that's too quiet now." "You're just taking the piss!" "No, mate!" "It's you that's taking the piss!" "Just throw your darts!" " I'll chuck 'em when I'm good and ready." " You're holding it all up!" "You know what the problem is with my son, don't you?" " Mmm, he's an idiot?" " No." "Well, I suppose that's consumptive." "No, his problem is he was born too soon." " Mmm, how'd you mean?" " Well, these days, they have untold numbers of conditions." "Aspergers, autism," "ACDC." "But when our Geoff were a lad, well..." "He was just annoying." "LES:" "Are you playing this game or what?" "I will if you tell Penfold here to calm down!" "Well, you started it!" "All right, game on!" "The Oracle to throw." "55 to beat." " That's five scored." " Come on." " (SCREAMS)" " And another five." "Come on, Geoff!" "Keep it together." " Yes!" "Yes!" " 60 scored." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Get in!" "Easy!" "Easy!" "LES:" "Okay, that's 70 scored." "Let's have a bit of order, we'll have the question." "Noreen, how many wings does a butterfly have?" "Oh, now, I know this one because it's a trick question, isn't it?" "Not really." "A butterfly has no wings." "Is that your final answer?" "No wings." "Final answer." "I'm sorry, the answer's four." "A butterfly has four wings." "Ooh, I was thinking of a caterpillar." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Un... believable." " Yes, my friend?" " Tonic water, please, with just a touch of lime." "That ain't gonna get you merry in this place." "Oh, I never touch alcohol." "I once drank so much when I was 16 that I had to have my stomach pumped." " Horrendous experience." " You get used to it." " Just the tonic water, yes?" " Yes, uh, no, no." "A large Harvey Floorbanger with extra toffee vodka shot, please." "Oh, for a friend." " How are you feeling?" " Eh?" "The incident today, when you got hit in the face with a lemon." "I inadvertently recorded the whole thing on my phone if you wanted to have a look." "I've seen enough videos of me falling arse over tit, thanks." "I can't think of one of me doing it sober is gonna be much different." " You've obviously forgiven him." " Forgiven who?" "Oh." "Oh, dear." "Thank you very much." " Something for you?" " I'll have a vodka and Coke." "No lemon." "I've heard they can be lethal in the wrong hands." "Oh, yes!" "We've got a lot of lines to fill in here." "She looks like a road map of North Wales." "I think we're gonna need more than one session." "More than one session?" "I think we need a foot pump." "Do you mind not discussing me like a piece of meat?" " This is the free consultation." " Free?" "How many people actually pay you to psychologically rip them to pieces?" "Look, we have to assess the condemned building before we try to underpin the foundations." "Will you just get on with it?" "She's right, you know, we're wasting valuable supping time." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Liam." "Let the magic begin." "(SCREAMS)" "What the bloody hell's the matter with ya?" "I haven't gone anywhere near ya yet!" " It's a needle." " What about it?" " I'm scared of them." " Oh!" "So why have you booked in for a course of Botox?" "Because I thought my eyes would be closed." "Well, then, close your eyes!" "I can't now that I've seen you holding a needle." "Close your eyes!" " (SCREAMS)" " That was just me hand!" " Sorry." " Right!" "Forget it!" "Please, please, have you got something that I could bite onto?" "Like a piece of wood." "You wanna bite onto a piece of wood?" "We're not sawing your leg off." " I could do my lullaby." " What lullaby?" "Well, when I was a teenager, I used to sing a lullaby to my sisters to send them to sleep." " She's hardly a baby!" " They were 22 at the time." "Oh, God!" "The mind boggles." "Right." "Get on with it." "(GASPS)" "♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep" "♪ Close your big bloodshot eyes" "♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep" "♪ The sandman waits for you ♪" "(HUMMING)" "LES:" "That's 20 which makes a total of 100." " To take the fifth round..." " Come on!" "Noreen, your question is on ancient history." "Oh, for God's sake!" "You've just asked him, "Where do the Wombles live?"" "There's no consistency!" "I'm sorry, I'm just reading the questions as they come out." "Archaeologist Howard Carter is most famously credited with discovering what?" "Howard Carter." "Howard Carter." "He's cheating!" "What're you talking about?" "I'm just standing with me arms crossed." "Yeah, and who crosses their arms like that?" "Gentlemen, gentlemen, best of order, please." "Noreen, do you have an answer?" "Um..." "Howard Carter." "Was he the one who needed a wash in Take That?" "No, I'm sorry." "He discovered Tutankhamun's tomb." "Howard Carter, I mean, not that the young lad from Take That." "Heh-heh." "Well, hang on!" "Weren't you meant to be throwing these questions over?" "Well, it's too late now." "The next question is for Tiger." "And it's on television." "What is Del Boy's surname?" " Trotter." " Yep." "No, no, no, I'm not having that." "No way!" "What, what, what are you doing?" "It is Trotter, that's the right answer." "What you doing, man?" "That is enough!" "You're no longer in the competition!" "GEOFF:" "It's a fix!" "Have you heard the questions they've been asked?" "Come on, son." "Let's sit down and have a drink." " Come on, come on." " (LAUGHTER)" "I wanna speak to the manager!" "This is a bloody disgrace!" "You've not got a clue, none of ya." " Look, man, I'm just reading..." " (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)" "I'm just reading them off the paper." "But it's wonderful." "You look 10 years younger." "Well, I must admit, I do feel rather... (ARGUING)" "Oh, my God!" "(SCREAMING)" "Hey!" "Right, that's all!" "The quiz is over!" "I knew this was a bad idea." "It is him, the mama's boy, he's causing the trouble." "She's not my mum, she's a... business associate!" "Please, could we finish the quiz?" "We came a day early because we saw it on the website." "I'm sorry." "I can't have any more trouble." "No more trouble." "Please, I promise." "(SIGHS) Then get this wound up and get the karaoke on." " Sit down." " (JOYCE MOANS)" "Miss Temple Savage, you're okay?" "I'm fine!" "Come on, get it wrapped up!" "(GAGGING)" "Okay, this is the final round and it's all change." "Will all contestants please swap places with their partners." "Gotta be joking!" "I... (CLICKING TONGUE) Sit." "Sit." "All right!" "Cathy to throw first, game on!" "She's coming over here." "Excuse me." "My face feels rather strange." "Well, of course it does." "Everything feels strange the first time, even you must remember that." "A bit of tingling in the face is very common." "Yes, but you injected me in my forehead..." "And I can feel it in my neck." "Well, let's face it." "A bit of tightening round that baggy old gizzard isn't gonna do you any harm, is it?" " No offence." " None taken, I'm sure." " Right, sup up!" " Where are we going?" "Anywhere!" "I do not know what to say." " It was an accident." " I might have brain damage." "And you think being hit in the head with a lemon could make it worse?" "No!" "I mean, you might have caused it." "Do you know, in my family, we have a saying," ""A lemon in the face is better than..." ""a toad-in-the-hole."" "That's quite a specific family saying." "Sí, claro." "My mother, she's very wise." "Yeah, well, we got quite a wise saying in our family and all." ""Where there's blame, there's a claim."" "Please, you do not understand, I could lose my job here." "Oh, I don't want you to lose your job." "But I reckon I am due to some sort of compensation." "Please, I have nothing." "Look, my trousers, they are empty." "I very much doubt that." "(MUFFLED) I trust you're enjoying your evening." "I beg your pardon?" "(MUFFLED) I said, I trust you both are enjoying your evening." "I think she said," ""I trust you both are enjoying your evening."" "Oh, right." "Very good, thank you." "There's not a ventriloquist on tonight, is there?" "So now, we've got Tiger for Clive." "31 to beat." "Just settling now." " (GEOFF COUGHS)" " What do you think you're doing?" " Sorry." " You can take that again, son, if you want to." " But it is a treble 19." " TIGER:" "Oh, wicked!" "(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)" " What do you think you're doing?" " I thought it helped you." "Well, of course it don't help me, you dick!" "Come on, ladies." "You mind saving this little domestic for later?" "We've a match to finish." "And that's a one." "58 scored." "Noreen, you need 59 or more to take the final round." "Oh, heck!" "I don't think these are the right glasses for this sort of thing." "Right, here we go." "Bloody hell!" "Do us all a favour, love, and find your other glasses!" "I think I've left my readers in me room." "Come on, get on with it!" "Just concentrate and look at the board." "It's here where you wanna be, in the treble 20." "Now, you're, you're the right height." "Just about three foot too wide." " Like mother, like son." " She's me PA." "Right, right, that's it!" "You're gonna have my eye out with the next one." "Hang on!" "Hang on." "TIGER:" "What the hell is he doing?" " Right, throw it at me head." " What?" "Hang on a minute." "Throw the dart exactly the same, but at the top of me forehead." "Give me the dart, I'll throw it at his head." "Don't think about it." "Just do it." "LES: 59 to take the round!" " Yes!" "Yes!" "Come on!" " (CROWD CLAPPING)" "LES:" "That's 60 scored to take the final round." "Your question is on pop music." " Huh!" "Bring it on." " Okay." "1960s piano playing legend Gladys Jordan was better known as who?" "Um..." " This is easy." " Shut up!" "I must hurry you, Geoff." "Can I hear the question again, please?" "1960s piano playing legend Gladys Jordan was better known as who?" "Even I know this one. (CHUCKLES)" "I'm gonna have to press you for an answer." "I've got it!" "It's a trick question." "The answer is Liberace." "You think Liberace's real name is Gladys Jordan?" "I'm sorry, Geoff, that's not the answer I've got on the card here." "I can throw it over to Clive." "Mrs Mills." "Invalid question." "Invalid question!" "Uh, piano solos cannot be categorised as pop songs." "Oh, I think you're splitting hairs now, son." "This is just rubbish!" "Where are the proper questions?" "Somebody ask me any of the names of the 44 presidents of the United States!" "Go on, ask me!" "Number six, John Quincy Adams!" "Number 19, Rutherford B. Hayes!" "35th, John F. Kennedy!" "All right, all right, that's enough!" "What is the chemical element symbol for Mercury?" "Hg!" "What's the longest river in Europe?" "The Volga!" "Who was the youngest person to ever have won Wimbledon?" "You don't know, do ya?" "Charlotte Dod, 1887!" "Come on, son." "Let's try and be magnaminous in defeat." "Defeat?" "It's a joke!" "It's null and void!" "Look!" "Look!" "It's not even a real dartboard anyway!" "Look!" "Look!" "Look!" "I am The Oracle!" "Hear me roar!" "(SCREAMING LOUDLY)" "Security up here, please!" "Mateo, Kenneth, anybody!" "(INCOMPREHENSIBLE)" "(MUFFLED) What on earth do you think you're doing?" "Are you feeling all right, Mrs Temple Savage?" "(MUFFLED) I don't think so, Lesley." "(MUFFLED) I'm not sure that I am." "Darren, get some music on and get over here." "Give me a hand to get her outside." "(MAMBO NO. 5 PLAYING)" " Get one on either side." " Get up and let's move." "Come on, son, let's have an early night." "You!" "GEOFF:" "Come on!" "Hurry up!" "This place is an absolute nuthouse!" "I'm afraid there's never a dull moment." "Jacqueline, I think if I have one more day incarcerated in this hotel," "I may just go insane." "Well, the thing is, it's all-inclusive here." "And, well, we don't usually bring any money out with us." "I'm taking you on a day out tomorrow." "Oh, Glynn!" "(SIGHING DEEPLY)" "What do you reckon was wrong with that geezer?" "He's what's commonly known in the medical profession as a big fat nutter." "Oh, talk of the devil." "Where you been?" "Just been claiming a bit of compensation." "What's that mean?" "Compensation from who?" "Turns out it was that barman who threw the lemon that knocked me out." "You won't get nothing out of him." "He tried to rip us off last year." "Oh, don't worry, he's already paid in full." "And I think if I play my cards right, he might give me another instalment tomorrow night." "Huh!" "Ew!" "Here you go, son." "Nice cup of Horlicks." "Where'd you get that from?" "I brought it with us." "You see, you can always rely on your old mam." "Now, have you taken your tablets?" "I don't want you getting all upset again." "Dr Loomis gave me a spare bottle." "You know, for your panic attacks." "They're not panic attacks." "People don't understand what it means to be a tortured genius." "You're like your father." "On our last holiday, as we went through Customs, he shouted, "I have nothing to declare but my genius."" " Wilde." " Wild?" "He were furious!" "They found 2,000 ciggies and a novelty lighter in the shape of a hand grenade." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, feels funny." "Us having separate apartments." "Do you want me to pull out a Zedbed?" "No, Mother!" "I'm 40 years old." "I'll be fine!" "All right, son." "See you in the morning." "See you in the morning." "Do you want me to leave the light on in the other room?" "And this door ajar?" "Just as a night light?" "Yes, please." "Goodnight, son." "Goodnight." "(LULLABY PLAYING)" "(GEOFF SNORING)" "(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "Ripped By mstoll"