"'Hello?" "' Hey Rob, Steve." "'Oh, hiya, how are you?" "' Good, good." "Listen, are you free next week to go away?" "'Where?" "'" "It's kind of a tour of the north, a restaurant tour, really good restaurants." "'Right." "Why me?" "'" "Well, Mischa is unavailable." "You've met Mischa, haven't you?" "'Is she your assistant?" "'" "No, no that's Emma." "No, no, no, Mischa's my girlfriend." "'Oh, yes, yes, the Australian girl.'" "No, God no, that was ages ago." "No, anyway, it doesn't matter." "Mischa can't come and I don't want to go alone." "I've asked other people but they're all too busy, so, you know, do you want to come?" "'Er..." "I don't know really." "I'd have to ask Sally.'" "It's a job, I'm not asking you to go on holiday with me or anything weird." "It's for The Observer magazine." "'Right.'" "They're going to pay for everything and there's a small fee which I'll split with you 60/40. 'When is it?" "'" "Next Monday." "'Oh.'" "This programme contains some strong language" "HE TOOTS HORN" "HE TOOTS HORN AGAIN" "WOMAN:" "Rob, Steve's here." "All right?" "Hey, yeah." "Hi Steve." "We're off." "Hello, hi." "You know Sally and Chloe." "Yes, yes, hi, hello." "Nice to see you, how are you?" "Hiya." "Mmm." "Very good." "Nice to see you." "Hello." "What is that?" "This is just..." "Wow." "Pick axe handles." "Seriously?" "Yes, it goes through and then..." "Climbing?" "Got you a set of crampons too." "I'll ring you, OK?" "Oh, yes, please do." "I love you." "Mwah!" "Look after Mummy." "Give me a kiss." "Have fun." "If you haven't heard anything from me in five days, alert the authorities." "Ok, drive safely." "Okidoke." "Bye bye gorgeous." "Have a good time." "Can I give a little wave to you?" "Going to wave?" "Bye bye." "Can I give a little wave to you?" "I'm going." "Bye!" "Bye bye." "Did you say goodbye to Dad?" "Say goodbye." "Are you going to wave?" "I thought we'd go M1, M6, come off at junction 31 and then it's a short drive on the A59, so Clitheroe and from there it's a very short hop to Whitewell." "And how long will that take?" "About four hours." "That's not very much." "Why aren't we using sat nav?" "I've always liked maps." "On holiday as kids, my dad would plan the route, you know, show us on the map what the route was and we'd all follow it." "It was great." "The good news is I've found the M1." "I wouldn't have had you down as having a four wheel drive." "It's not mine." "Mischa thought it would be good." "She thought it would be useful in the Lake District, Yorkshire Dales." "It's not like down south, Rob, there's a lot of bumpy roads there." "Why isn't she here?" "Because she had to go back to America." "Oh, dear." "You haven't, though, have you?" "It's in limbo." "Is it all over?" "No, I don't know, I don't know, it's just, it's all..." "Oh, let's go here, let's get some breakfast here." "No, let's not." "I've been up since half past five with Chloe and I've not eaten..." "Really?" "You could write about it." "Why don't you review the food and say, starting off by talking about what real people eat." "No, that's been done." "It's been done before." "It's 2010, everything's been done before." "All you can do the same but better or differently." "To some extent, that's correct." "IN-CAR STEREO: "Atmosphere" by Joy Division" "Why are we listening to this?" "That's what I've chosen for the soundtrack for this landscape." "It's not expected, you think of that as industrial, associated with urban landscape." "♪ Walk" "♪ In silence" "♪ Don't walk away" "♪ In silence" "♪ See the danger" "♪ Always danger" "♪ Endless talking" "♪ Life rebuilding" "♪ Don't walk away... ♪" "This looks lovely." "Beautiful, isn't it, eh?" "It's the sort of place you'd shoot a Miss Marple." "Hello." "Hi, hi." "Should be a reservation under the name Coogan." "Two rooms under Coogan." "Sorry, we only have one double room for you." "It may be under his name, Brydon, is there another room under the name Brydon?" "No, no, no Brydon." "Sorry." "Oh, I thought there should have been two rooms but..." "Hello, hi." "Hi." "That's Mr Brydon." "Can we book another room?" "I'm sorry but we're fully booked tonight, sir." "We can share, that's all right." "No, we can't." "It's a big room." "Right, I'm going to call Emma." "No seriously, I don't mind sharing a bed," "There's no signal here." "What do I do?" "Sometimes you can get it outside..." "Ok." "At the back. all right, I'll try and sort this out." "Oh, dear me." "Hello?" "Hi Emma." "Listen, I'm at the Inn at Whitewell..." "Yeah." "There's only one room." "Well, you can stay with Mischa, can't you?" "I'm not with Mischa, I'm with Rob Brydon." "But this is lovely." "I'd be able to sleep here." "Put a little bed down there, and I'd sleep there very happily." "So are you friends or...?" "No, we work together..." "So I'm just I'm just with..." "Are you his assistant?" "In a way, yes." "'You said you were going with Mischa?" "'" "No, I said I was thinking of going with Rob." "OK, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Now I have to share a room with Rob for the night." "Sorry, I messed up." "Make sure all the other hotels have separate rooms." "OK." "Right, thank you." "All right love, bye." "Sorry, it's a bit of a warren here." "No, it's part of its charm." "Thank you." "So what's your name?" "Magda." "Magda?" "And yours?" "Steve." "Yes." "None of this Mr Coogan nonsense." "So here it is." "Oh, very nice." "Beautiful, yes." "Very nice indeed." "It's a very nice view." "Look at that." "Very big." "So..." "There we go." "Come on, up you jump." "I'll leave you to it and..." "Thank you, thanks..." "Here is the key." "OK, bye." "This is a huge bed, we could easily share this bed." "It might be huge to you, it's average size to me." "Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're considerably taller(!" ")" "What's the problem anyway?" "What do you think's going to happen, eh?" "You might touch my bottom." "Oh, right." "Were you an altar boy?" "Yes, I was." "Seriously?" "Yes." "Oh, all right." "I'll go on the sofa if it's..." "Sorry, I didn't realise we were into Oprah Winfrey territory." "Are you seriously saying you were abused when you were an altar boy?" "Only verbally and physically." "Not sexually, no, just punched by a priest." "There's no signal here." "I'm on wireless." "Would you like to order?" "Yes, please, yes, yes, yes." "Could I start with the scallops and then could I have the sea bass?" "I'll have the soup followed by the chicken please." "Thanks a lot." "Thanks." "Want to see a picture of my kids?" "Yes." "There's me, Mi-Mi and Joe." "How old are they now?" "Joe's 14 and Mi-Mi's 8." "Really?" "Yes, time flies." "Wow." "Oh." "Oh." "Pretty, isn't she?" "This is Mischa is it?" "Yeah." "Cor!" "Did you take that?" "Yes, of course." "Who else took it?" "She's not a glamour model." "She could be." "Yes, I know she could be, yes." "Why do people video themselves having sex?" "We're not having sex, that's foreplay." "Like Colin Farrell, isn't it?" "There's your breakfast and your lunch and your dinner right there." "Well, that just sounded like an Irishman, Rob, a generic Irishman." "Well, Colin Farrell isn't one of my..." "AS RONNIE CORBETT:" "Not one of my repertoire." "Oh, right." "Wow, that was the most..." "Obtuse segue into Ronnie Corbett..." "I don't put him up there with Ron." "HE CHUCKLES" "I've got a scallops and a soup on order!" "I don't understand why you have this aversion to people just doing things to make people laugh." "I don't, I just find it all a bit, you know, just a bit tiresome." "It's just, you know..." "What have you got?" "Rhone 2006." "IMPERSONATES:" "Oh, bring it on." "Pour it out." "Yes." "My apologies for my colleague's behaviour." "My buddy will taste." "That's lovely, thank you." "Thank you." "Yes, lovely." "I like that." "Thank you very much." "That was very good, he now has you marked down as an idiot." "Why?" "I'll show you why." "IMPERSONATES STEVE:" "Mmm, that's very good, that's a very nice wine." "You don't do..." "when you taste a wine, right?" "Yes?" "All you're doing is checking it's not corked." "All you do is this." "I know, well that..." "Shush!" "Well, that was camp." "That wasn't camp." "You did, you just went like this." "You went..." "I did not do that!" "You looked like an 18th century fop." "I did this." "Right, well you've toned it down a bit but essentially it's the same thing." "Scallops ready!" "Ah..." "Who's having scallops?" "I am the scallops." "Thank you very much." "And the soup." "Thank you, lovely." "OK?" "Enjoy your starters." "Thank you." "Soup of the day." "Can't go wrong." "Yes, yes, yours looks more interesting but..." "Mmm, what's yours like?" "Well, it tastes of tomatoes." "Not a connoisseur are you, with food?" "The reason for this trip was to bring Mischa." "She's passionate about food, she loves food." "So she's the food buff out of the two of you." "She's a very confident foodie, I thought she could help me and I wanted to show Mischa the..." "You know, the north." "Show her a piece of me." "You're from Manchester." "You could take her round and show her the gun crime sites." "I'm from the north, the north has an identity of itself." "Yes, and not the same way that Wales does." "I think the north could be a different country." "It has as much of an identity as Wales." "Are you seriously saying the north of England has a stronger..." "Hang on, a stronger identity than Wales?" "Yes." "Yes, yes." "Right, a chicken and a sea bass for table 32 please." "Industrial revolution, the first railway in Manchester which revolutionised the world, probably more than anything else in the last 200 years." "Richard Burton." "AS BURTON: ...next admiral in actuality means like God." "Anthony Hopkins." "AS HOPKINS:" "I want a room with a view, I want to see a tree." "I think anyone over 40 who amuses themself by doing impressions needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror." "Yes, oh, hang on, we're getting some action here." "Let's have a look, what does it say?" "Oh, "where are you?"" "Works on a few levels, doesn't it?" "Yes, yes, it does, it does." "AS ALAN BENNETT:" "As I read the email from my agent, I couldn't help but wonder," ""Yes, Alan, where are you?"" "Dudley had gone to Hollywood, Peter now dead in a haze of..." "I'm doing Alan Bennett." "I know." "There's got to be some drama in someone who can only express themselves through the voices of other people." "Yes." "What if a W fell off a monkey house?" "They're kind of entertaining but not that accurate." "Well, broadsheet journalists have described my impressions as "stunningly accurate."" "Well, they're wrong." "I've not heard your Michael Caine, but I assume it would be "My name's Michael Caine."" "That is where you're so wrong because that's the very thing I don't do." "Do your Michael Caine." "AS CAINE:" "Michael Caine used to talk like this in the 1960s." "But that has changed and I say over the years, Michael's voice has come down several octaves..." "Let me finish, and all of the cigars and the brandy..." "Let me finish, can now be heard..." "OK." "I've not fucking finished, in the back of the voice and the voice now will..." "I've still not finished." "The voice..." "You're panicking." "You like you're about to bloody talk." "Let me finish." "So..." "Michael Caine's voice now in the Batman movies and in Harry Brown," "I can't go fast because Michael Caine talks very, very slowly." "AS CAINE:" "Michael Caine speaks to his nose like that." "He gets very, very specific, it's very like that." "When it gets loudly, it gets very loud indeed." "It gets very specific, it's not quite nasal enough, the way you're doing it." "You're not doing it the way he speaks." "You're not doing it with the kind of, and you don't do the broken voice when he gets very emotional, when he gets very emotional." "She was only 16 years old." "She was only 16, you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off." "That's Michael Caine." "AS CAINE:" "Shall I prepare the Batmobile, Master Bruce?" "And who's the other one you did that wasn't very good?" "Oh, Anthony Hopkins, yes." "I do a very good Anthony Hopkins." "Well, I think I do an even better Anthony Hopkins." "I can do him as Captain Bligh on The Bounty..." ""Come back Mr Fryer!" "You turned your back on me, man!"" "There you go." "That's good, that's good." "Oh, hello..." "Well, let me." "Let me..." "I didn't say a bloody thing when you were in The Bounty." "I don't often do it, so savour it." "AS HOPKINS IN REMAINS OF THE DAY:" ""Well, it's just a book, just a book, just a romance, that's all it is."" "SWITCHES CHARACTERISATION" ""What's that, Mr Christian, are you threatening me?"" "There are rumblings." "Oh, there are rumblings are there?" "Yes, there are rumblings." "I'm Mel Gibson now." "I sound like Rhys Darby in Flight of the Conchords!" "You did." "If you'd said you were doing that..." "AS GIBSON:" "Band meeting, "Murray, present."" "This was very nice, hotter than I was expecting, more heat in the chilli sauce." "There was a lot of heat in my scallops." "My scallops were hot." "There's a joke there." "Plenty of heat in my scallops." "Heat, Pacino, De Niro, Michael Mann." "What have you got?" "Four bodies in a morgue." "I'm out there every fucking day!" "Yeah?" "Heat." "Yeah." "A movie where De Niro and Pacino are running a celebrity magazine." "I need a photo exclusive of Katie Price having a botox." ""I ain't got it, Al, we can't do it!"" "What do you mean it's not looking good?" "!" "I got to have her on the front page right now every day I'm there!" "Hey, calm it down." "It's all right, sorry." "It's all right, they love it." "Yes." "Not sure about that but never mind." "Ever worked with Michael Mann?" "I work with auteurs." "Like in Rain Man?" "AS HOFFMAN:" "Oh, I'm an excellent director." "I directed the whole movie in one go." "No, that's autistic." "I know that." "I wonder, that's autistic savant." "Is there such a thing as an autistic impressionist?" "Because if there is, I think that might be the key to your condition." "AS PACINO:" "Maybe you're right, I don't know, but I see a guy with something stuck up his ass who's too uptight to let go." "No, I like humour, I like levity, I like brevity, I just like to..." "Gravity, where do you stand on that?" "Firmly, on terra firma." "You like levity, brevity and gravity." "AS HOFFMAN:" "It's great to meet you, I got to tell you you're a terrific actor!" "I caught your work the other day." "I was watching the television in my room and I said "Who is this guy?" ""He is not as tall as Coogan but he's better." "I like him a lot"." "Excuse me, sorry." "Thank you very much." "Was everything ok?" "Very nice indeed." "Quite tomatoey." "Yes." "And soupy." "Thank you." "We shouldn't fight." "I know." "Come on, let's stop this, eh?" "Come on, Mr Steve, come on Mr Steve, hey?" "AS BASIL BRUSH:" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Boom-boom!" "Ok, I'm going to call my agent." "You can hone your Brush!" "Can I speak to Greg?" "Hi, is that Greg?" "'It is, yes.'" "Hey." "Hey, how are you?" "Very good." "You emailed me, asked me to call." "Yes, I did, yes, nothing urgent, just a bit of a catch up really, see how you are." "Through the nose like that, through the nose." "Through the noise." "Michael Caine's voice is through the nose." "Can you hear me Greg?" "'No, I can't hear.'" "Can you hear me now?" "Yes, yes, I can hear, yes." "Ok, I'll stay here." "What else?" "Right, Doctor Who..." "Doctor Who?" "What, is it the baddie?" "Yes." "I don't want to do British TV." "Well, I mean all you need is, if you just did one film Steven, that will propel you." "I've done 10." "You need the right film." "You've got a huge amount of momentum behind you." "You get momentum when you're going downhill." "Well, yes, but..." "I want to be in films." "Good films." "OK sir, so here's your bass." "Oh, thank you very much." "Sea bass." "And the chicken over here." "Thank you." "Where exactly are you at the moment?" "Where?" "I'm in the Trough of Bowland rather appropriately Greg, I'm in a trough." "Literally and metaphorically." "Yes." "Is Mischa with you?" "Is she enjoying it?" "Yes, she is, yes." "Sorry, I didn't wait." "That's all right." "Oh, yes." "What's that?" "It's a gun with a silencer shooting... people who frustrate me." "Can you do the sound of a gun with a silencer?" "Mmm, no." "Well, it's kind of a muted, it's kind of a... and then if you do it entering flesh, then it's a..." "It's a..." "How is your..." "This is nice, it's very nice." "What is it again?" "Sea bass." "Sea bass." "Nice?" "Yes, yes." "Is that leeks you've got there?" "Mmm." "Ah." "Great Welsh vegetable, the leek." "Why did they have to give me leeks?" "Why?" "Why?" "Did you tell them to give me leeks so that you could do Welsh voices?" "You do chew a lot, don't you?" "You take a long time to chew." "Mastication..." "Yes." "is very important for your health." "Do you find as you get older... food gets stuck in your teeth more..." "Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes." "Yes. ..more readily?" "You know why that is?" "Why?" "Receding gums." "Well, that's that." "Revealing the crack, the gap, between the tooth and the gum." "All right." "Look, look how much, look." "What are you showing me?" "My gums." "Yours look all right, you know." "Can you see any receding?" "Mmm, yes, yes." "Yes?" "Well, that is a honey trap for morsels of food." "That is an open invitation." "A bit of food sees that, he goes running towards it." "It's not good if you're on a date." "You still go on dates, do you?" "Yes, I normally go to the toilet..." "I take a toothpick, and just get every bit out." "I try and avoid foods that get lodged." "Really?" "You don't want to kiss with a lump of chicken inside your molars." "See, that strikes me as odd that a man of our age would be thinking about trying to kiss girls." "Hi, sorry." "Hello." "It's your lucky day." "Why?" "We've had a cancellation, you don't have to share a bed tonight." "I'll drink to that." "Shall I leave you in room 15 and move Mr Brydon into 7 or?" "Which is the best room?" "Well, 7 is a bit bigger, but I prefer 15." "Maybe you want to see it?" "Yes, I think I would." "Do you mind excusing me?" "I could come as well, if you want." "Nah." "Yes, it's open." "So." "Sorry..." "OK." "OK." "So this is room number 7." "That's nice, yeah." "Beautiful room." "Nice view." "Yes." "I find the view..." "It's very important." "You can't go wrong in this area, everything's beautiful." "It is, I know, it's really..." "It's very high, isn't it?" "It reminds me of The Princess and the Pea." "You know that Hans Christian Andersen?" "Do you know him in Poland?" "No, of course, of course we read." "Oh, OK." "Yes." "No, we do read." "Right." "Where's he from?" "Denmark." "Denmark, that's right, yes, Denmark." "Yes, I don't like the Danish." "So how long have you worked here?" "Long or...?" "Almost a year." "You and Rob, do you work a lot together or...?" "Very rarely..." "If I can avoid it." "You seem friendly." "The relationship's purely platonic." "So what shall we do?" "Well, which is the one you liked?" "15." "Yes, I prefer 15." "Well, I think we should go for that." "Do they accommodate you here?" "Well, there are cottages for the staff, yes, at the main house so yes..." "Oh." "I live nearby." "Well, that's handy." "Well, very nearby, yes." "I like your accent, by the way." "Thank you." "Enigmatic." "See you later." "Perhaps see you later, yes." "Steve!" "Steve." "Oh, hello." "I've moved us through to the fireplace." "Oh, how very nice." "Yeah." "Very pleasant." "Now, did you know that on this day in 1702, King William III died at the age of 51 and Queen Anne ascends to the throne?" "And did you know I have ordered you a sticky toffee pudding?" "Yes, what are you getting?" "Niet." "Got to keep an eye on this fellow." "You've got to help me with the review." "I've got to keep fit." "Do you work out?" "Yes, a bit, two or three times a week." "You can't tell." "Can I get a coffee please, and the bill?" "And can we get an extra spoon please?" "Of course, yes." "I'll share your spoon, don't worry." "Two spoons." "Going to see your parents while you're here?" "That is wonderful, mmm." "Thank you." "No, they..." "Well maybe." "They don't know that I've split up with Mischa." "So you have split up with her, then?" "Well, it's just..." "Try some." "No, thank you." "Thank you." "How much is it?" "£93.80." "Is there a limit to what you can spend?" "Don't think so." "Better check with Emma actually." "Oh, it is nice actually." "Lovely." "You should have some." "NOISY ENGINES" "COWS MOO IN THE DISTANCE" "PHONE DIALLING TONE" "Hello?" "Hello." "Hey, it's me." "What time is it?" "It's..." "It's 12 o'clock your time." "Oh, shit, I'm late." "Have you just got up?" "Yeah, I had a really late night." "I think I got in at like three or four maybe." "Where did you go?" "I told you, I went to this magazine party at this magazine launch, I thought it would be a good place to meet some people and pitch some of my ideas." "Yes, it was really good." "I met some amazing people and there was lots of interest." "Yes?" "Who did you meet?" "Who was interesting?" "I met the editor of Esquire and he's interested in the story I did about the bikers when I went back home." "Does he fancy you?" "God, you know what?" "That really pisses me off when you do that, like I've got nothing else to offer." "I'm not, I'm not..." "Whatever." "Listen, I've got to go." "I'm going to be late." "OK?" "OK." "Hey..." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Well, I miss you." "Yeah, I miss you too." "Good." "I've got to go." "Listen, well, let's just speak later, OK?" "OK." "OK." "Bye." "Bye baby." "Bye." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"