"Step away from the kerb, children." "(brakes screech)" "Hi, Sister!" "You lookterrific today!" " What have you done with your hair?" " You're late again, Rick." " l know." "But I have a very good excuse." " There can be no excuse for tardiness." "You're right." "You're absolutely right." "I should never have stopped and saved that drowning infant." "I'm weak, Sister!" "I'm just so weak!" "All right, now." "Stop that." "Children, on the bus." "Sister, if you ever get lonely after vespers, I'm the man to call." "My number's in the book." "Get going, Rick." "You're late enough as it is." "Think about it, OK?" "OK, come along, children!" "Attention, passengers." "We are now leaving Nun Central on our journey to hell and beyond." "The captain has turned off the No Smoking sign." "You may now move about the cabin freely." "(yelling)" "Thank youfor being Catholic, andfor choosing the St Gabriel school bus." "(hula-hula music)" "Now don't forget, Garcia." "Ten per cent of that goes to the house." "Ahh, youth!" "You'll love these shots." "Thank you very much, Mrs Reeves." "Have a nice day." "Next!" "Ho-ho-ho!" "Look at those babies!" "Adorable." "Come on, let's get started." "Are we married?" " l'm separated." " Then there is a God." "Let's try something a little special." "Try these on, Timmy." "Ooh, yeah." "Chic in the sun, yeah." "Take that drink right there." "Yeah, that looks like fun, hm?" "To me, this is an incredible shot." "OK, I can see you're not impressed." "And you're right. I hate it too." "Your kid is more hip, more now, more '80s." "Let's try this right here." "Now get ready." "Hold on. I'm crazy about this one." "Your own baby Jedi." "This is terrific." "You're gonna like this." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "All right, you're not into science fiction." "OK." "Oh!" "Mrs Klupner, why didn't I see this before?" "Why don'tyou lean into the picture with your child?" "Oh, yes, yes." "Yes, yes, yes." "Lean in a little more." "If I was that kid, I would breast-feed until I was 17 or 18." "OK." "Now hold that pose, Mrs Klupner." "Timmy, why don'tyou go to sleep?" "There We go." "Good boy." "There We go." "Raul!" "(shouts in Spanish)" "Who the hell put this shit in my beer cooler?" "!" "Jesus Christ!" "Stupid people!" "I gotta change the oil." "Hey!" "Rudy!" "Here, boy!" "Hey, Rudy!" "Oh, shit!" "I don't believe this!" "Guys, this is the problem With American cars!" "Help me put this crap together and We'll get outta here." "The Police concert's sold out?" "My customers are gonna kill me!" "ScreWthat!" "screw Sting!" " Hi, guys." "how's it goin'?" " how are you, you animal?" "Great. I'm a dead man." "Hello." "Concert Tickets." "What?" "You're kiddin'!" "Boy George has a yeast infection?" "!" "He's cancelling?" "!" "You knoWWhat this is gonna cost me?" "!" "Hey, do me a favour." "Don't call me again, OK?" " Let's get outta here." " (phone) I told you not to call me again!" "You're full of shit!" "Eat my..." "Oh, hi, Mom." "No, no, no." "I didn't know itWas you." "Right." "Eggs and milk." "Ma..." "Ma, I'll talkto you later." " This better be important." " This guy gets along With everybody." "Oh, yeah." "A real diplomat." "Eat me." "I love itWhen he talks like that!" " We'd like to order now." " Hey, no sweat." "No sweat, guys." "You Wanna order?" "Here's today's deals." "OK?" "OK, We got veal." "We got veal..." "Par..." "Veal..." "Par..." "What's this Word?" "Parmesan." "That's that meatWith that cheese on it." "See, I don't eat cheese." "Gives me mucus." "Clogs me up With phlegm." "And butter, that's another thing." "Clogs you up With snot." "Please, We're in a hurry." "Ryko, come on, take a break!" "Hey, be right there, guys." "Hey, keep your slimy paws out of my food, man." "Order your own food." "I hope you choke, you animal." "Hey!" "Get outta here." "All right, OK, noWWe're all here." "So What's the big announcement?" "Gentlemen, I'm not gonna beat around the bush on this thing." "We've known each other since grade school,... ..so I'm gonna give this to ya right from the hip." "I mean, it's gonna come straight from the old shoulder." "I mean, no fancy stuff or anything..." "Come on, Rick!" "All right." "OK." "All right, all right, all right." "This is it." "Uh..." " l'm gettin' married." " Yeah, right, yeah." "ThatWas not a joke, guys!" "A Week from this Saturday, I turn in my amateur standing and I..." "I go pro." " l don't believe it." " Come on!" "Fuck me!" "Well, thanks for tellin' us, man." "(shouting)" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Our buddy is gettin' married." "This is the happiest moment of his life and you guys are giving him a hard time." "You guys should be ashamed of yourselves." "Congratulations, buddy." "Come on, guys!" "Look, Rick, I'd rather be dead." "But if this is Whatyou Want, good luck, man." "All the best. lt should happen to me, man." "Since you're gonna do this..." " You really are gonna do this?" " Yeah." "At leastWe can make sure you go out in style." "Let's have a bachelor party, With chicks and guns and fire trucks... ..and hookers and drugs and booze..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" "All the things that make life Worth living for!" "Speech!" "Speech!" "All right, all right." "I Wantyou to knowthat this marriage... ..is not in any Way gonna jeopardise my relationship With my pals, damn it." "We're still gonna go bowling every Tuesday night." "Still gonna play cards every Friday night." "And Wear each other's underwear every Sunday." "Nothing is gonna change!" "I love you guys and I always Will." " Hey, a toast!" " To Rick and Debbie." "To us." "To girls With big tits." "Good point!" "Good point!" "Good point." " Excuse me..." " What?" " l'd like to pay for this." " Could you Wait till the song is over?" "Oh, sure." "No problem." "Excuse me." " Where can I try on these pants?" " Right over there." "Can I take these for you?" "You'll really like these. I have a couple of pairs myself." "They fit very nice." "Phoebe?" "I don't think your brother did such a good job of fixing the dressing-room doors." "Whaddaya mean?" "They look great!" " You don't see a problem here?" " Not really." "No?" "Maybe it's just me." "Debbie, I don't believe you!" "I am your friend and you don't even tell me!" "Bobbi, What is going on?" "I just heard from O'Neill." "Oh, God, I'm so excited!" " What's happening?" " Debbie's marrying Rick!" " Really?" " Really." "Oh, my gosh!" "Oh, my gosh!" "You're actually marrying Rick!" " Wait a minute." "Does Cole know about this?" " You WentWith him for two years!" "No." "And he Won't leave me alone." "And your parents can't be too thrilled about this." "No, as far as they're concerned, the only good Rick is a dead Rick." "But I've made my decision, and We're gonna do it." "I don't believe it!" "Mrs Rick Gassko!" "You're getting married..." "Seems like only yesterday I showed ya howto give a blow job." "Oh, shit!" "Well, hey, the meal is just about ready, so it's time for spice..." "Yes, it's spice time, and the lucky spice is..." "Paprika!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" "You've made me the happiest spice in the World!" "It's a veritable UN for dinner here, so swedish meatballs!" "Ah!" "Vino!" "A little vino..." "Would be keeno!" "I Want some Wine!" "now..." "What meal Would be complete Without a little dead meat?" "Yes, America's favourite food:" "dead animal flesh." "All the burners are occupied at this time, so I'm just gonna have to improvise here." " Hi, babe!" " Hi!" " What are you doing?" " JustWelding up a little dinner, that's all." "It's you!" " lt's good to see you." " You too." " God, you're a slob!" " Yeah, but I'm a fabulous cook." "Yeah?" "And What are We having?" "Well, it's either swiss steak, meat loaf..." "I dunno." "Charred flesh of some sort." " Why don'tWe name it afterWe eat?" " Good idea." "Mr Chef?" "Your vegetables are on fire." "Oh!" "Hey!" "It's OK. lt's all right." "It's broccoli flambé. lt's supposed to do that." "Just a little tricky, that's all." "Guess I put in a little too much nuclear Waste, huh?" " Wanna hear something great?" " You betcha." "Bobbi and Phoebe are gonna throw me a shoWer. lt's gonna be so much fun!" "Not as much fun as the bachelor party the guys are gonna throWfor me." "I hope you like potato salad." "It's chunky style, my favourite." " You're gonna have a bachelor party?" " Sure!" "You bet!" "Hey, it's a traditional event, and I am a traditional kinda guy." "how about this?" "Does this look great or What?" " lt looks awful." " Well, looks can be deceiving." "Not in this case, however." "Nope, this is definitely the food that prison riots are made of." "Are We gonna have girls at our party?" "Uh..." "Well..." "No, it's a stag party, and that means that does stay home." "I'm not talking about does." "I'm talking about hookers." "Ohhh!" "Those!" "What do you mean?" "I mean, like, from What I hear, it's a tradition." "And you're a traditional guy." "Come here, you little vixen. I'm gonna setyou straight about something." "Women mean nothing to me, and that is Why I am so in love With you." "Do you understand What I'm saying?" "I need you to promise me." "OK." "OK. I promise." "You got it." "You know, I..." "I know a Way thatWe can seal this bargain." " Yeah?" " Mm-hm." "Wait a minute." "Wait, Wait, Wait!" "I got a surprise for ya!" "And I think you're really gonna like it!" "AW, come on, honey!" "We'll take turns!" "OK, Ricky." "Wanna hold outyour arm?" "You Wouldn't hurtyour own brother, Would you?" "Hey!" "I've changed my mind!" "I don't need a blood test. I'm not even gonna get married." " The Wedding is off, chief." " Bear." "Chicken, chicken, chicken!" "You Were always sneaky, Stan." "You Were always very, very sneaky." "Hey, you ready for this big party?" "I understand that the guys have some fascinating Women lined up for you." "A bevy of..." "Keep your voice down." "I've got the Wife in the other room." "Uh, Stan..." "Stan, is this supposed to be like this?" "No, that's incorrect." "Oh." "I can't understand you getting married." "Do you have any idea Whatyou're giving up?" "Any idea?" "An inkling?" "Everything!" "Wild parties." "Running around like a maniac." "Women every night." "Nakedness." "Gone!" "I miss that so much, Ricky." "Stan, you're beginning to depress me." "Oh, Well, maybe you'll feel just a little better after this." "Easy." "Easy." "And hold." "Oh, that's a fair trade." "A cotton ball for all my blood." "OK, Ricky, all finished." "Hey, I'm really looking forward to this bachelor party." "Whatever you do, you don't say nothin' to Tina, OK?" "She'll kill me." " Who don'tyou say nothin' to?" " Tina?" "Tina." "OK." "Don't screw me up. I told her I'm going to a plasma convention." "Oh, Well, that's brilliant." "Hi, Tina!" "Rick!" "Mr Goldsmith, this is my brother-in-laW." "He's getting married." "Congratulations." "Nurse, take over." "I am so happy for you!" "That's great. I'm glad." "Thanks." "Listen, I gotta run. I gotta make sure the guys have got the hookers!" " Hookers?" " He didn't say hookers." " Did I say hookers?" "I didn't mean..." " You said hookers." "He didn't say hookers. I'm Walking Ricky out." "You had to open your mouth." "You had to say something." "You had to say hookers!" " Doc, I'll pay my bill!" "Don't hurt me, please!" " l'll kill you!" "I'll pull outyour lights!" "I'll rip outyour guts!" "I'll break you in half!" "now shut up and get outta here!" "OK." "All right." "Oh, listen. I'll see ya Saturday for the...?" "Out!" "Mrs Phillips." "You're next." " OK, Who serves?" " Your turn, Dad." "It's long, it's to the fence, it's to the Wall!" "It's gone!" " Rick!" " Yep." "Hit the ball easier, son." "You don't have to kill it." "Uh... maybe We should go in now." "No." "We Will at least finish this set." " Ready?" " Yo!" "Yes!" "Cleveland Wins the pennant!" "One of these days, I'm gonna burn the Thompson court right to the ground." "I gotta admit my tennis is a little rusty, but polo... there's a game, eh?" "Unrelenting, constant challenge to the senses." "A beautiful, manly experience." "Rick, I Want to cut through the BS." " l'd like that." " Good." "I think you're an asshole." "No, let me correct that." "An immature asshole." "Which is fine, except thatyou're marrying my daughter... ..and I'm afraid that my grandchildren are gonna be little assholes." " Mr Thompson, I..." " No, let me finish." "Debbie is an adult." "She can do What she Wants." "But if you Wantyour marriage to last, you have to change some things aboutyourself." " now, if I may make some suggestions?" " Oh, feel free." "Good." "First, you're a slob." "You dress like a bum." "Second, you're unmotivated." "You have no self-esteem, no thought about the future." "You're inconsiderate." "You're insensitive." "You're insincere." "I'm having the same caterer for your shower thatWe had at our Christmas party lastyear." "That'd be great!" "They're Wonderful!" "If I Were you, I'd Worry less about the shower and more about Rick's bachelor party." "Why...?" "Why Would I Want to do that?" "I trust Rick." "Oh, of course you do." "And I trusted my ex, Kevin, too." "Cousin, I can only speakto you from experience." "ButWhat do you think happens at bachelor parties?" "Thinkthey drinktea and play Scrabble?" "Ilene, I trust Rick." "He promised..." "Debbie, please!" "Don't be naive." "Men are pigs." "Girls, Why don'tWe go inside and have some lunch?" "Boys!" "Come on inside and have lunch!" "In a second." "And you're irresponsible." "A shoW-off." "You're vulgar." "You're inappropriate." "You're unrefined." "You're obnoxious." "Well, Mr Thompson, that's really quite a list." "And you're right." "You're absolutely right." "And I think, if I really apply myself,... ..I could be a totally changed person by the time We finish lunch." "(Rick whistling)" "Rick, We don't have a dog." "Oh, too bad." "That's a Waste of some good fat." "Are you going to eatyour potato, darling?" " You Want this?" " You betcha." "Yeah, me and Debbie are gonna have kids right away." "I'd like to adopt this 17-year-old Korean girl I've had my eye on." "I figure Why beat around the bush, but, I mean, this pup is fertile,... ..and I know I'm perfectly capable, so you don't have to Worry." "You'll have some American grandkids in no time at all." "I tell ya, Mrs T, this is really some spread." "This is pretty good chow." "Usually I just have a jam sandwich for lunch." "Do you knowwhat a jam sandwich is?" "You take two pieces of bread, jam 'em together..." " Hello, everybody!" "Am I late?" " Not at all." "We're just finishing lunch." " how are you, Cole?" " Fine, just fine." "Ilene!" "You're looking very Well." " Mrs Thompson..." " Cole..." "always a pleasure." "Debbie..." "And, uh..." "Bond." "James Bond." "So, Cole, how's your game coming along?" " Better and better, sir." " Good." "I'll take you on." "We tried some doubles this morning but it didn'tWork out." "Mother, What is Cole doing here?" "Well, you knoWyour father enjoys his company." "Oh, he must, if he tooktime off from his Hitler Youth rally." " Good shot!" " Thank you, sir." "Cole, I knowyou're as unhappy as I am about Debbie's marriage to Rick." "Yes, I am, sir." " Son, I don'tWantyou to give up on her." " l have tried to change her mind." "It's not her mind you have to change." "It's Mr Shit For Brains in there." " Yeah, but how can I do that?" " lf itWere up to me, I'd reason With him first." "And if that failed, I'd try more persuasive action." "More, uh... ..persuasive action?" "Good..." "Keep me informed." "Goodbye, darling." "Goodbye, Mom." "Thanks for everything. ltWas great." " Nice seeing you again, Rick." " You too, Mrs T. Let's do this every day." " how about tomorrow?" "I'll bring Weenies." " Well, I have, uh... club." " What time's it over?" " Uh, Rick." "Let's talk." "Honey, the boys have something to discuss." "Let's leave 'em alone for a minute, huh?" "If this is about the facts of life, I got it covered." " Rick, I Want Debbie." " You do, huh?" "Yes, I do." "You dump her and I'll give you cash." "Well, What's Debbie's Blue Book value right noW?" " $5,000." " No." " 7500?" " Not interested." "All right, all right, all right." "10,000... ..plus a GE toaster oven,... ..a Litton microwave, a Cuisinart..." "Cole, read my lips now." "I am marrying Debbie." "Michelin tyres, brand-neW." "A set of Sears' best metric tools." "What's going on?" "This big lug is in love and he's got a lot of major appliances laying around." "Debbie, Cole is just trying to save you from making a mistake." "A big mistake." "Oh, Daddy..." "Hey, thanks, Dad." "Listen, We gotta go." "Debbie!" "He's gonna hurtyou." "He'll never be true to you the Way I Would." "We'll keep that in mind." "Cole Whittier, ladies and gentlemen!" "A funny, funny guy as Well as being a Wonderfully talented human being." "Take care, babe." "We love ya." "Hey, Rick!" "You and I, We're not through yet." "(thunder)" "Hey..." "Hey..." "What?" "I can't sleep." "I got something for that." "Will you stop fooling around?" "I need to talk." "What's the matter?" "I don't knoW. I just feel scared." "Oh, baby..." "What about?" "Hmm?" "The Wedding." "My parents." "Your parents." "Our friends." "My job." "The future." "Our relationship." "The caterers." "My gown." "Your tuxedo." "The honeymoon." "Our apartment." "My shower." "Your bachelor party." "Well, how about the Middle East?" "You all rightWith that?" "Honey, everything is gonna be all right." "Before or after I have my nervous breakdown?" "You are so tense." "Come on." "That feels so good." "That's a coincidence. lt's supposed to." "Close your eyes." "Drift off to sleep again, OK?" "It just so happens..." "I'm a great guy... ..and, very soon, you're gonna be Mrs Great Guy, all right?" "(thunder)" "Well, there you go, ma'am." "End of the line." "Last stop." "I have a great idea." "Why don't I just pal around With you guys for a While?" "No, no, no." "We have some manly things We have to do, and this is no place for a Woman." " Are you sure you don'tWant me to go?" " how about "no"?" "I don'tWanna go!" "Remember, you promised me no screwing around." " l Won't!" "I swear on my mother's grave." " Your mother's not dead." "Well, if I go back on my Word, I'll kill her." "Have a good time." "Don't have a great time." "You catch my drift, Mr Traditional Guy?" "Hmm, yeah, I understand." "And you have a fun shower." "Use soap." "I love you." "And I love you." "(guys) Come on, Rick!" "Party!" "(O'Neill) Presidents have stayed in this suite. lt's gorgeous!" "(Stan) What presidents?" " What's Wrong?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "Let's get crazy." "Yeah!" "(whooping)" " When do the girls show up?" " Gary is taking care of that right noW." "All right. I think I've got justWhatyou're looking for." "Great." "Margot!" "Darleen!" "These are twins of pleasure." "WoW!" "twins!" "Great!" "They're gonna be just fine." "Just fine." "Hi, ladies." "Maybe after the orgy tonightWe can get together, have a cup of coffee or somethin'?" "Thanks, man." "We'll see you girls later." "Ciao!" "Hi!" "Hi." "Say, I must have just missed my friend." "He hired some of your girls for a bachelor party?" "Yeah, ParkvieW Hotel, room 1002." "What about it?" "Yeah, right, Well, um..." "here's the new address." "There's been a change of plan." "We're sending the girls to his house instead." " Oh, really?" " Yeah, and, uh... here's a fifty." "now I Want this to be a surprise for the groom, so you never saw me, OK?" "No problem." "Move it out, move it out, move it out!" "You be careful With that bus. lt's a rental." "Was I kidding?" "Was I kidding?" "We Who are about to go apeshit salute you!" "We WantWomen!" "Hold it!" "Hold it!" "Before We move on, I have a little surprise." "I have flown in someone dear to all of us." "A man Who has travelled over 3,000 miles." "Come on, Rick, let's go." "A man Whom none of us have seen since he left town." "Come on, come on!" "A man Whom We affectionately call Peckerhead!" "Oh, my God, our dad is here." "It's your childhood chum and mine, Brad Mollen!" "Brad!" "ThatPeckerhead!" "Where is he?" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Guys!" "For the last time, I'm telling you to get off of there!" "Off!" "Off!" "OK!" "Guys!" "Holy shit!" "Dr Stan!" "Hi, Brad." "Rick!" "Oh, Rick!" "Rick!" "Jay!" "Rudy!" "Diagnosis?" " Medically speaking?" " Yeah." "Whacked out of his brains on drugs." "I love you guys!" "This is great!" "This is beautiful!" "I love it!" "I love it!" "HoWyou been?" "Oh, I couldn't be better." "This is the best." "This is great. I love this." "This is the best." "I'm having the best time." "I love you guys!" "I love everybody!" " how's your Wife?" " l hate her. I hate her guts." "The bitch!" "I've got this." "You Wanna share this?" "Oh, gee, two on a Quaalude." "That's bad luck." "OK, let's go, guys." "Come on, Brad." "Listen, you and your Wife got problems, Brad?" "No." "No." "Cos I love you guys." "I love my friends. I love everybody!" "I justWanna party!" "Party!" " JustWhere do you guys think you are?" " The Library of Congress?" " Detroit?" " Beyond the sun?" "Any of those right?" "This is the ParkvieW Hotel." "I am the hotel manager." "This is a respectable establishment." "We don't go for any funny business here." "So I see." "Well, thank you." "It's been very nice talking to you." "You're a hell of a guy, and you're doing a hell of a job." "Pamela, you're here!" "how nice!" "Come say hello to our guest of honour." "Pamela!" "Hi, how are you!" "Good to see you!" " You look great." " Oh, thanks, honey." "Debbie, it's Pamela." "Pamela, how are you?" "Come sit down and I'll getyou some punch." "Mrs Thompson, do you have any more of this dip?" "It's, like, really excellent." "You just ate Purina Cat chow." "Oh, it's, like, so good!" "And What are you girls giggling about?" " Shall We tell her?" " Yeah." "Yesterday We found a bunch of pornos in the back seat of O'Neill's car." "And We made a few changes." "I thinkthe boys Will really be interested." "Oh, Well, good. I hope you ruin their stag party, the swine!" "1003..." "Aha!" "1002." "And now, to our honoured guest Rick and his lifelong friends, I say, gentlemen:" "Startyour boners." "Women!" "Yeah!" "This is a bitchin' place!" "Oh..." "I am stunned." "I did the balloons myself." "Oh, What a clever use of prophylactics." "This is beyond my Wildest dreams, guys!" " Where's the Women?" "There's no Women." " Rudy, one thing at a time." "Sex is my one thing. I'm good at it." "OK." "What's first?" "A bit of a Warm-up." "We spend an hour With Nymphos Without Pants." "(whooping)" "Olivier is in that, right?" "Then... it's on to the real thing!" "OK, Rudy." "Screen." "It's good to see you, Brad." "My marriage sucks. lt's all crap." "It's just a big pile of shit!" "Well, maybe your marriage oughta lay off the grains for a While." "Don'tyou understand?" "She hates me." "She hates my guts. lt's over!" "You'll see." "As soon as you get married, everything changes." "Why are you going through With this?" "Wait, Wait." "What do you mean?" "What changes?" "(O'Neill) OK, Ryko, lights!" "Lights!" "(Rick) King Kong, folks." "(guys whooping)" "(O'Neill) I viewed ityesterday." "Great director, good lighting..." "Take that off!" "Take it off and drive it home!" "God, this doesn'tWaste any time, does it?" "Go, baby!" "Do it, brother!" "Lay that pipe!" "Drive it home, brother!" "Hey!" "What gives?" " Did you checkthis out?" " Kick it!" "Kick it!" "Forget that." "This part's so much better." "You guys can't believe..." "This is a human being doing this." "Watch this." "Kiss him all the Way down!" "All the Way down!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go, go, go, go!" "(guys chant "Go!" "')" "What is this?" "!" "What is going on?" "!" "I am not complaining, but I usually don't like my filth this clean." "What a Waste of two Women!" "I don't get it." "The dirty parts Were there yesterday." "At least Gary's coming up With the real thing." "Oh, yeah." "Women!" "Yes?" "Yeah, hi. ls this 1381 Franek Street?" "Yes." "We're here." "how nice." "Um..." "I'm Dr Tina Gassko." "Oh, Tina!" "Stan's Wife!" "Come in!" "God, now she's really gonna see What kind of a jerk-off she's marrying'." "Rick is just gonna love all of these." "Debbie, look, it's Tina." "I think everyone's here now." "LookWho's here. lt's Tina." "Another one of these, huh?" "Looks thatWay." "A buck's a buck." "Yep." "Ohh!" "is there an empty outlet around here?" "Thanks." "God, this is beautiful." "She reminds me of my Wife." "She Was so young When We met." "Bitch!" "Hi, guys, how's it goin'?" "Get him!" "Get him, get him, get him!" "Everybody back!" "To a neutral corner, please." " What's goin' on?" " Nothing's goin' on!" "Would you get that animal off of me?" "This place should be Wall-to-Wall tits by now." "Guy paints a beautiful picture." "All right!" "All right!" "I'll find outwhat's goin' on." "Looks like the only guy Who got screwed Was you." "Hey, screWyou." "Should!" "Should!" "Should!" "I can't believe my money's been Wasted." "So, What do you guys think of the party so far?" "All right." "OK." "I thinkthe man has done a very good job With the party so far." "All right, maybe not." "Rick, I Wanna talkto you." "Hey, it's Cole!" "Did anyone order an asshole from room service?" " Look, I don'tWant any trouble." " Oh, come on, just a little." " Rick, I Want to make you another deal." " Oh, be still, my heart!" "Out the window is something I Wanna shoWyou." "Out the window?" "Oh, this is gonna be a surprise. I'm a nut for surprises." "You see that out there?" "That, Rick, is my most prized possession." "That's my new Porsche." "(guys) WoW!" "Guys, can you see that car?" "Oh, that's beautiful!" "What a car!" "Rudy, isn't that a beautiful car?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah!" "That's a beautiful car, Rick." "Hey, guys, excuse me." "I gotta go shake the Weasel." " lt's a great car." " Oh, the best!" " God, I love that car." " l am very, very happy... for the two of you." "Chips?" "Listen, Rick, I'm Willing to trade you my new Porsche for Debbie." "An even swap." "Oh, Cole!" "A car for Debbie?" "I mean it, Rick." "All you have to do is dump Debbie." "Oh!" "Oh, Cole!" "This is perplexing." "What an intriguing offer you've made." "Guys, What should I do?" "Should I take the car, or should I take Debbie?" " Debbie." " The car." "Depends on mileage." " The Porsche!" "The car!" " Take Debbie..." "The car!" " Debbie!" "Debbie!" " The car!" "What a decision I have to make here." "I Would hate to be in your shoes, pal." " low mileage. it handles like a dream." " Well, so does Debbie." "I just got that car two months ago." "It's got everything, it's got..." "Shit." "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" " Something amiss?" " My car is gone!" "Maybe it had something to do." "You know... lf l don't get my car back, you're dead, mister!" "Gone just a few seconds and I miss him already." "Isn't it childish getting revenge on the guys like this?" "You heard What those hookers said." "They Were supposed to go to a bachelor party." "That doesn't mean itWas Rick's party." "Good evening, ladies." "follow me." "Go on." "Just don't touch anything." "God, look at those guys!" "What a hunk!" "Look at that guy's buns!" "Come on, Mom." "Debbie, I don't know about this." "Mom, come on, We'll have a great time." "You might even get lucky." "Debbie!" "is there a Rick Gassko registered there?" "(ringing)" "Hold it!" "It's not Gary. it's Michael." "I don't believe it!" "I may as Well have left my genitals at home!" "Michael, When are you comin' over?" "Right after Work." "Guess What, buddy?" "Debbie and her friends justWalked in here." "No kidding!" "Well, that's interesting." "Michael, hang around down there for a While." "We're gonna come down." "Yeah." "Bye." "Guys, We are going out for some air." "Some air?" " Where are We going?" " Out." "I love going out." "Rick, I don't think I Wanna go." "Come on, Brad, it'll be good for ya." "No..." "I justWanna be alone." "Well... all right, but do your homework, and you can Watch TV for a half-hour,... ..but then straight to bed, young man." "OK." "Come on, just stay With me, guys." "When a night gets dull, call in a pro." "Al, how are you?" "Ed, We're so glad you could come at the last minute... ..and fill in as our keynote speaker." "It's a pleasure, Al." "I'm always glad to help out out." "I should call my service." "is there a phone I can use?" " Yeah, right there." " Thank you." "Ed, this is the biggest turnoutWe've ever had." "Hey, this is our mascot." "Hiya, fellas!" "We've had some big speakers, but no one With your marketing experience." "I justWanna let 'em knoWWhere I am." "I'm expecting an important phone call." "I had to get out of the house anyway." "My daughter's having a bridal shower." "I'm a doctor!" "I can't do this!" " Will your friend do this?" " He'll do anything for money." "I love that attitude!" " Are they still out there?" " l'll check." "Wait." "I don't believe this!" "What does she think she's doing?" "Maybe checking him for a hernia." "Oh, it's amusing?" " lt's amusing." " What now?" "It's action they Want?" "Well, We're the guys to give it to 'em." "Eh, me hearties?" "Guys, this is Chippendales' star attraction." "Mr Nicholas, better known as Nickthe Dick." "Nickthe What?" "The Dick." "Oh-ho!" "WoW!" "I Was impressed When they opened the World Trade Center,... ..but this is a piece of Work!" "Well, let's get this thing going." "Tray, please, Michael." "Bun." "Oh, Well now, this is good." "OK, Nick, or is it Mr Dick?" "Nick." "You Wanna do the honours?" " lt's up to you." " Gentlemen." "This is gonna be great!" "Here's your orders, ladies." "You can help yourselves." "is that the foot-long?" "And then some." "(Mrs Thompson screams)" "Excuse us." "Mom, let go." "Hey, lady, how much?" "Talkto the pimp." "Hi." "Hi." "Hey, nice seeing you." "Hello." "Hey, let's talk." "Hey, bro!" "What it be?" " You're a pimp?" "You look like Gandhi." " l'm telling you I am, Joe." " l WantWomen." " l gotWomen." "They sit on your face, anything you Want." "Great. I Want some." "how much?" "Big hassle now, bro." "Soon they go to customers." "I got a bachelor party at the ParkvieW Hotel." "ThatWould be out of sight, dude." "Customers in same hotel." "Letyou have them at cut-rate price for 45 minutes." " $200." " Great." "Sold. 45 minutes, no problem." "Room 1002." "Not one minute longer or MiltWill come for you." "Milt?" "This being Milt." "Pretty heavy, hey, dude?" "Girls back in 45 minutes... ..or Milt cuts your balls off." "Fair enough?" "Shake." "I just bet my balls, and shook on it." "Did you happen to see Tina's face?" "Bobbi Was less shocked, of course." "She's used to seeing something that size." "Hey, yo!" "Brad!" "Hey!" "Big Brad!" "Where's the young man?" "What are you doing?" "I'm killing myself." "Oh." "You know, Brad, marriage is a dicey thing at best." "And sometimes people say things they don't mean." "Butyou and Sue, you're mature people." "You'll Workthis stuff out." " You gotta lighten up, man." " (whining) No, Rick, I don't care any more!" "She hates me!" "I'm no good for her." "I'm just gonna end it all right here!" "(bang!" ")" "Oh!" "Oh!" "God!" "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "Pain is such a rush." "Oh, this is good." " ls there anything I can do for ya?" " Oh, no..." "This is pain." "Fabulous." "There could be some major damage here." "Mmm!" "Mmmm!" "Hey, man!" "Go check out your car. lt's beautiful." " My car?" "Where is it?" " lt's outside." "Shit!" "Shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Rick, God damn it!" "You've had it!" "I'm gonna getyou!" "(car horn plays "La Cucaracha')" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "This is your bachelor party, and you're not havin' a good time." "I'm having a great time!" "You're making a big deal out of nothing." " Where the hell is everybody?" " l don't know." "Surprise!" "The team bus just pulled in!" "Hookers!" "It's a party!" "Party, Ricky!" "I had a Wiener right in my hand." "I told you, men are pigs." "I saWthose swine just standing there." "God!" "What a gross thing to do." "I have to admit, even for Rick, thatWas beyond the Valley of Good Taste." "Yeah, Well, Rick and his pals are probably knee-deep in Whores by now." " l can'tWait to see What those guys are up to." " Me either." "If I find out Stanley's been screwing around, I'll kill him." "Kill?" "I Won't do anything that drastic." "I justWon't get married." "Good." "You're finally talking some sense." "Well..." "let's get ready, you guys." "Let's get going." " You With us, Mom?" " A strange Wang right in my palm." " Can I help you?" " We're the band." " Band?" " O'Neill sent us." "Oh, O'Neill!" "Great!" "Everybody's busy in the bedrooms right noW, but come on in." "Oh, that's nice hair. I'll try to make sure no one smokes around you." "Are you together?" "If not, maybe introductions are in order." "Alligator!" "Hey, thatWas incredible." "And also Wonderful." "Itwas a moving experience. I thank you." "From the bottom of my heart." "Next!" "Ricky!" "Go, babe." "Get in there, my brother." "My dearest family member, get in there." "She's incredible." "No, no, no. I Will, but the party's young and it's just starting up." "I Want to ask you a question first." "You're my older brother." "Let me ask you some advice." "You are a married man, right?" "I am about to be a married man." "What can I expect from this marriage thing?" "What is the honest scoop?" "The honest scoop?" "The first month, from the beginning, is terrific. lt's great." "The second month, things calm down a little bit." "Third month, you're looking through old phone numbers, old girlfriends..." "But, by the fourth month... by the fourth month you're just... you're numb." "You know?" "Just..." "It's incredible." "So by the fifth month, hopefully, football season starts." " Football." " You got ball games." "You gotMonday Night." "Stan, I am so glad We had this chat." "You've really answered my questions." "Hi." "We Were justWalking by and We heard the music." "Can We come in?" "Sure!" "Come on in!" "Join the party, babe." "What can I get for 25 bucks?" "An elevator ride around the block, a pogo pump, or a pogo swirl,... ..or a pump With an underground hammer." "Wait a minute." "Whatever happened to hand jobs?" "Hi." "Hello." " What the hell are you doing?" " l'm slashing my Wrists." " With an electric razor?" " l couldn't find any razor blades." "At leastyour Wrists Will be smooth and kissable." "Give me this thing!" "What is the matter With you?" "Will you go out there and have some fun and have a few laughs, please?" "(manic laugh)" "No, no, no." "Have fun first, and then have a few laughs." "Just forget about the marriage for a couple of hours." "This is a party, remember?" "Go out there and party." "(manic laugh)" "That's good." "That's good." "Gary, how's the big stallion?" "Rick, I really think I'm in love." "We're talking marriage, kids, the Whole thing." "I'm very happy for you." "Name your first six kids after me, OK?" "My name is Tim. I'm always available." "By the Way, I also do engine Work on BMWs." "Bye." "(screams)" "That's another example of better living through chemistry." "I said that's another example..." "Are these on or am I Wasting my time?" "All right!" "This is gonna be great." "Sex With a donkey. incredible." "Hi!" "Come on in!" "Drugs to the right, hookers to the left." "Good to see ya again." "Hey!" "I oughta smack you." "Rick, buddy... pal of mine..." " l'm concerned." " Hey!" "What about?" "This is your party!" "Your bachelor party!" "You haven't had sex With anyone yet." "Not true. I had a bunch of sex tonight." "I'm just very fast." "You haven't been able to see me." "There - l had it twice!" "Come on. I got something you can't resist." "You do?" "You remember Tracey?" "Tracey?" "I am a mortal man, O'Neill." "Of course I remember Tracey." "You remember how crazy she Was aboutyou?" " Tracey Was crazy about me?" " "Oh, Rick, you're so funny!"" "I called her and told her thatyou Were about to be put on the unavailable list." "She decided to come over and give you a little something." "She did?" " Right in there." " The bedroom?" "Tracey's in the bedroom?" "You got it." " Tracey is in the bedroom?" " Heaven awaits." "Oh..." "O'Neill..." "Oh..." "Well, now, O'Neill, this is a gift I..." "You bet." "how can I... how can I turn this down?" "You can't." "I guess I can't." " Oh, Tracey...?" " Yeah." "Oh, hell, all right." "All right, I Will." "All right, OK. I Will." "All right." "If I'm not back in half an hour, call the paramedics." "All right." "That's the old Rick!" "Hello?" "Oh, eat my chair!" "Rick, take me, please." "Rick, you promised me." "You promised me you Wouldn't make love to anybody else." "(boys) Go for it!" "Go for it!" "Don't go back on your Word, Rick." "Be true." "Be strong." "(boys) Go for it!" "What, are you nuts?" "Look at my tits!" "They're perfect!" "Rick, take me, please." "how'd it go?" "Well, hey..." "Hey, if she can Walk, I don't know my business, you know?" "Oh, hey, O'Neill, I just lied." "Nothing happened in there, all right?" "I know how much this meant to ya, but I couldn't do it, OK?" "I love Debbie. I made a promise and I'm crazy about her." "Hey, I understand." "Don'tWorry about it." "To tell you the truth, I'm envious. I Wish I had someone Who Was in my every thought." "Somebody I could spend all my time With." "Somebody I could really respect." "Hey, look at the cans on that bimbo." "I am looking for this dung head Who took my Women." "He's being liar to me." "I Want my bitches back." "Holy shit!" "I'm going to get Milt right noW." "I'm going to get the fuck out of here." " Who Was that?" " l don't know." " Well, What is this?" " Got me." " Well, how about this?" " Still drawing a blank." " Hey, he look familiar?" " Very." "Get the hookers in a circle." "We're gonna put Cochise out of business." "I can't believe We're doing this." "We are supposed to be hookers." "Act sexy." "If Stanley's there I'll rip his butt." "Stop With this!" "We're supposed to be hookers!" "Act sexy!" " l justWanna find him up there..." " Shut up With that." "Don't tell me to shut up." "We don't need sex, We just have to find the room." "You girls is the hookers, right?" "Yes, of course We're hookers." " The boss said deliver hookers." " We are not hookers, you big dumb ape!" "how dare you!" "(speaks Japanese)" "Girls, let's get outta here..." "Wonderful(!" ")" "Any of you guys from out of town?" "Come on, fellas..." "Fellas!" "Where the hell is he?" " lt's gotta be on this side." " No, it's this side." "(Cole) Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "All right, this is it." "Let me fix you up here." "Let's shoWthe gold." "Beautiful." "Gorgeous." "OK." "Go get him." "(knock at door)" "Make love to me... please?" "T minus 3, 2, 1." "We have ignition!" "Kill!" "(Ricky) We got him now!" "(Cole) No!" "No!" "You can't do this!" "We're just gonna putyou in a safe place until after the party." "No, no!" "Please!" "Please stop!" "Don't!" "No!" "Hey!" "Hey, you guys can't do this!" "Hey!" "Hey, come on!" "NoWyou stay out of trouble, young man." "Take care!" "I hope you die, you bastard!" "Bye!" "Hey, you bastards!" "I'm gonna live!" "Aaghhh!" "Well, here We are." "This is gonna be some night, huh?" "Are you ready for this?" "Are you ready?" "Come here." "Look, uh..." "Why don'tyou make yourself comfortable, all right?" "There's a terrific moon out tonight." "(woman screams)" "(man screams)" "(Cole screams)" "('hookers" screaming)" "(Cole screaming)" "OK, We're here." "how do We get this donkey inside?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" "You had it all figured out." "You had a plan." "Well, maybe I did. I don't knoW. I forgot." "I'd like to getyou on an operating table, just once." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha What?" " l got it." " You gotWhat?" "You're gonna be OK." "Everything's gonna be fine." "Don'tWorry about it." "how about some air?" "You can take in some air." "That'd be nice, Wouldn't it?" "Take in some air, huh?" "Oh, no!" "Shit!" " Are you sure you're OK?" " Yes." "(man screams)" "(woman screams)" "(Cole screams)" "Ohh, God...!" "They seemed like nice guys." " Thanks for your help, Ed." "We appreciate it." " Any time, Al." "Good night." "Cole?" "!" "My God, son, What are you doing here?" "What happened?" "The party's upstairs, sir." "They made me get naked and..." "What?" "They made me get naked and hung me out from the WindoW. ltWas so scary and I fell." "Get a hold of yourself." "What room are they in?" " They're on the tenth floor, sir." " l'm going up there. I'll take care of this." "NoWyou go and getyourself some clothes." "You look awful." "Yes, sir." "OK, this side 27." "This side 17." "Ready?" "Here We go." "Go, go, go!" "HoWya doing, everybody?" "We brought back a friend." "Gentlemen, ladies, for your viewing pleasure, meet Max,... ..the magical, sexual mule!" "A donkey that doesn'tWanna be recognised?" "Something interesting is gonna happen here." "And here's Max's partner." "A gal Who doesn't believe happiness ends With primates." "The lovely Miss Desiree!" "My God!" "What are you people doing in here?" "!" "(music stops)" "Uh-oh. it's Mr Laughs." "Rick, I kneWyou Were a vile, disgusting degenerate,... ..but bestiality?" "This goes beyond my Wildest dreams." "Well, I like to stretch myself on occasion." "You're through, mister." "When Debbie hears about this, she Will never see you again." "You're right, Mr Thompson." "You should go give Debbie a call right noW." "There's a phone in the back bedroom." "You're through, mister." "Well, thanks, pal!" "If Debbie finds out about this, I am dead!" "Will you relax?" "!" "I have everything under control." "Hired help..." "ladies... follow me." "Sorry for the interruption, folks." "We now return you to the arts." "Aaaghhhhhh!" "(donkey braying)" "Stand back!" "I'm a doctor!" "Back!" "Of course We don't allow that sort of thing here, ma'am." "No." "I'm sorry that the noise Woke you up." "I Will take care of it right away." "I've had enough of this." "Aaghhh!" " Let's just give 'em What they Want." " What?" "!" "Let's go." "Come on, everybody inside!" "The big show's gonna start in one minute." "Come on!" "We're gonna have so much fun!" "Get outta here!" "Go!" "Go!" "Everyone, go!" "I'll hold them off." "The rest of you make a break for it." "Ilene, are you crazy?" "Come on, let's go!" "Debbie, please, I knowwhat I'm doing." "now just go." "Go!" "OK, gentlemen, the gods have answered your prayers!" "Banzai!" " l hope Ilene is all right." " l hope those guys are all right." " Oh, my God." " Ohhh!" "Gross!" "1002." "Guess Who's here?" "Another surprise guest." "Who?" "Does the name Debbie mean anything to you?" "What, my Debbie?" " What's With the costume?" " l don't know!" "Listen, do me a favour." "Go up to her like you don't know her and send her into the back bedroom." "You got it." "Hi, baby." "You're new here." " l don't believe the groom has had you yet." " No, not... (Southern accent) No, notyet." "Where is the groooom?" "In the bedroooom." "Thaaaanks." "Hey, it's dark in here." "Don't turn on the lights, sugar." "I'll lead you around." "Oh, Well, a seeing-eye hooker." "This is a nice service." "Hey, you don't look half bad!" "Let's see hoWyou are in the sack!" "Yeehah!" "Damn you, Rick!" "OW!" "Debbie, you're a hooker!" "I don't believe it!" "I can't trustyou!" "Come on. I knew itWas you." "Hey!" " Rick, you're lying!" " ltWas a joke!" "Debbie!" "Wait!" "Just hold on!" "Wait!" "Hold on!" "Please, just give me a chance to explain!" "Debbie!" "Debbie!" "Debbie, I didn't do anything!" "Well, hardly." "The marriage is off!" "You can screw around With your friends for the rest of your life!" "I don'tWant that!" "I Wantyou!" "And I Want somebody Who understands commitment!" "I understand commitment!" "I love you!" " l don't believe you." " You don't?" "Oh, fine." "Good." "Hey!" "Hey!" "People!" "Attention, please!" "Shut up!" "Have I had sex With anyone in this room tonight?" "No!" "You're sure about this?" "Yes!" "Fine, good." "Resume party." "Understand?" "NoWthis isn'tyour ordinary party crowd here." "There are professionals in here." "But I didn'tWant them." "You... you're the only one I've ever Wanted." "Do you understand?" "Yeah." "So What do We do about it?" "Let's get naked." "OK." "No, Debbie, not that bedroom!" "Daddy?" "All my years as a photographer, I've never seen such a natural." "The camera loves him!" "Grrrrrr!" "Daddy, What are you doing here?" "(muffled)" "He says he's having a Wonderful time and thinking of changing his name to Spike." "Grrrrr!" "I've been getting calls all night." "God only knows What they're doing in there." "Open up!" "You're under arrest!" "All right, boys, break it in." "Hold it, hold it, hold it. I've got the key." "Let's go!" "It's a raid!" "Whoa!" "The cops!" "Mom?" "Back exit!" "Debbie!" "Debbie!" "Rick!" "Rick!" "Diana Ross is playing nextWeek." "I got three tickets." "how about Boy George?" "The Police?" "Oh, hi!" "Oh, no!" "Not her!" "No!" "No!" "Anything but that!" "No, not her!" "Not her!" "She pees standing up!" "Not her!" "Stan!" "You lying dog!" "Hey, Wait a minute." "Hold it." "What did you say, Stanley?" "What did you say, Stanley?" "What did you say, Stanley?" "You said no hookers!" "You said no hookers!" "No hookers!" "No hookers!" "Debbie!" "Where is Debbie?" "Where is Debbie?" " What are you doing?" "!" " Debbie, you'll always be mine!" "Rick!" "Hey, have you seen Debbie?" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Shit!" " l thought she Was just next to you." " No." "Oh, shit!" "Get outta there!" " Cole!" " You're coming With me!" "God, he's kidnapping her!" "Backto the bus!" "Help!" "Rick!" "Debbie!" "You're coming in With me!" "Cole, I've had enough." "how aboutyou, huh?" " Come With me!" " Just give it a rest." "No!" "Tickets." "Hey!" "Tickets?" "Tickets?" "(Rudy) There's 36 theatres." "They could be anywhere." "(Rick) Oh, great." " NoWWhat do We do?" " Let's just split up." "We'll go this Way." "Ryko!" "I killed the mule!" "I killed the..." "What is the sense of living?" "I'll take this theatre." "Ryko, take the one down there." "Ooh." "Small theatre." "Rick?" "Rick!" "What a realistic effect!" "This is the best 3-D I've ever seen!" "I've seen better." "WoW!" "This time I'm gonna do it, and nobody's gonna stop me." "Fuck...!" "Do you, Richard Ernesto Gassko,... ..take Deborah Julie Thompson as your lawful Wife,... ..to have and to hold from this day forward,... ..for better for Worse, for richer for poorer,..." "..in sickness and in health,... ..until death do you part?" "I sure do." "(cheering)" "So by the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and Wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Uh..." "I'm sorry." "It needs something special here." "Hold on." "Wait." "Oh, God Almighty!" "how about this?" "Come on, We're married now." "This is perfectly legal." "Honey!" "Rick, stop it!" "Get that thing away from me!" "Come here, Mrs Gassko." "Step on it, driver." "We don'tWanna miss our plane." "Right." "Hey, now, Brad..." "(guys shouting)" "Subtitles by:" "Roulis Koulouris-Steniotis"