"JIM:" "Previously on According to Jim..." "We got a free trip to Vegas." "I've been keeping in touch with Jim's sister." "Roxanne?" "Yeah." "I've been trying and trying to figure out a way to get them talking again." "Well, a year ago, she moved to Vegas." "Roxanne is not good." "You've seen how she uses people." "She doesn't even think twice about it." "I know, honey." "I know it's been that way in the past." "People do change." "My sister does not change." "Oh, really?" "You know that guy Rick?" "He's out of her life." "She said that the last time." "She always says that." "Then the guy running the Tilt-A-Whirl takes off his shirt and she falls in love all over again." "When are you gonna start at the salon?" "Well, soon, I hope." "I just got to raise $2,000." "Somehow." "Roxanne." "Roxanne." "What're you doing here?" "I thought you didn't have the money to do this?" "I got the money from my new boyfriend." "Hi, darling!" "Hello, butter muffin." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Oh, baby!" "Can I get you anything else, Earl?" "Oh, no thanks, Vicky, I'm stuffed." "And you call yourself Elvis." "Hey, sorry I'm late." "I got lost in the eyes of Siegfried and Roy's white tigers." "You get lost in their closet, too?" "What's with the clothes?" "Oh, I went on a little shopping spree with my new girlfriend, Roxanne." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh." "Yeah, Andy, I gotta talk to you." "Oh, Jim, I know what you're gonna say and don't worry." "The Andy-man can handle himself." "You gotta dump her." "What?" "Andy, she is trouble." "Oh, Jim!" "Honest to God." "I know you think you know her, but you don't." "She will chew you up and spit you out." "She's done it to me all my life." "And if she's done it to me, can you imagine what she can do to a guy like you?" "What kind of guy is that, Jim?" "You know, nice, sweet, simple." "Are you calling me a patsy?" "No, not at all..." "Yes, a patsy." "Oh, really?" "Okay, well, that's it!" "Thanks a million for your great advice, but I don't need it." "I'm just trying to save you a little grief here." "Uh-huh." "Are ya?" "Believe me, there's going to be a ton of grief." "Okay, well, why don't you just stay out of it, fathead?" "Fathead?" "Where did that come from?" "From the patsy, fathead." "Huh?" "Yeah, look!" "I'm an adult and I can take care of myself." "If I want to give my money to some Las Vegas hairdresser I just met yesterday, I will!" "Good day, sir!" "Do I have a fat head?" "Well, yeah, kind of." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Did you see Andy out there?" "No, but he is dying to see  Jubilee!" "so he'll be here." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "(BREATHES IN SHARPLY)" "Hey, honey!" "Huh?" "I have a taste for something extravagant tonight." "Well, look no further!" "What?" "Oh." "Got them from our room!" "Now, save the bottles, put water in them, put the caps on and put them back in the honor bar." "What?" "No!" "(SIGHS)" "(FANFARE PLAYS)" "Oh, great." "Andy's not coming." "(ALL SINGING)" "Jim!" "What?" "I paid for this." "I get to stare." "Honey, I can't stop thinking about Andy." "Where is he?" "Oh, Andy, Andy!" "That's it!" "Call him." "Now?" "Yes!" "Can it wait until 9:00 when my minutes are free?" "Call him!" "All right!" "All right!" "But you know, when you pick a cell phone plan, you really should stick to it." "Hello, Andy." "Yeah, it's me." "Where are you?" "What?" "Let's go!" "Wait, wait, wait." "Is he hurt?" "Is he okay?" "No, no, no, no." "We just got to go." "Now!" "ANNOUNCER:" "It looks like we have a volunteer." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "No, no, no, no." "I got to go." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Please, ladies!" "Please, ladies!" "I have got to go!" "Cheryl!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "(EXCLAIMS) Wow." "Hey, Cheryl!" "(DRUM SOLO PLAYING)" "(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)" "Oh!" "(GASPS)" "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "(WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING)" "Give me some of that!" "Oh, my God." "(GROANS) Oh!" "That's a picture that's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life." "Right back at you." "Aunt Roxanne got married to Uncle Andy, right?" "Yeah." "So, what do we call them now?" "How about "bloodsucking leech" and "dimwitted patsy"?" "Jim!" "What?" "Hey!" "Who wants to go look at the fishies in that aquarium over there?" "Why?" "'Cause one of them talks." "Yay!" "Yay!" "And stay where Mommy can see you." "Okay." "All right, what are we going to do about Andy?" "Nothing." "Roxanne's turned her life around, remember?" "(SIGHS)" "She's changed!" "She's good now!" "All right, are you through?" "Almost." "I thought you loved Roxanne?" "Jim, she's fine." "It's just, I always thought Andy would end up with someone..." "Better?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "It's totally different when she's infecting your family." "Oh, honey." "Doesn't anyone understand what has happened here?" "Andy got married before me!" "Top of the morning, fellow married people." "Hi..." "No offense, Dana." "Where's my sister?" "You mean my wife?" "She's sleeping in." "Had her up pretty late last night." "We were kind of busy." "Oh!" "Because we were..." "All right, all right!" "We got the idea." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "CHERYL:" "Jim!" "Andy, sweetie, what he's trying to say is, um..." "What the hell is the matter with you?" "Nothing's wrong with me." "I'm in love." "He's just rebelling." "Like when Dad sent him to fat camp and he came back 20 pounds heavier." "I had a growth spurt." "Out?" "You know what?" "When we want the hopelessly single person's perspective, we'll let you know." "Okay!" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "Hey, no, no!" "You!" "Go look at the fishies!" "All right." "All right." "Fishies!" "(MUMBLES)" "This really hurts." "I got married last night and not one of you has said congratulations." "I thought you'd be happy for me." "Oh, Andy!" "We just don't think you should jump into something this big this quickly." "Yeah." "I mean, do you know how long it took Cheryl to be sure about me?" "Yeah, I mean, you know, to be honest, I'm still figuring things out." "JIM:" "Exactly!" "Exactly!" "And what, you've known Roxanne for, what, a day?" "I know, but..." "I feel like I've known her forever." "Oh, Andy!" "No, Roxanne, she's funny and she's down-to-earth, and doesn't care what people think about her." "Actually..." "Actually, she's a lot like you, Jim." "It's like having a best friend I can sleep with." "Well, I've never been so moved and creeped out at the same time." "Look, I've made my decision." "Okay?" "Roxanne is my wife." "Now you two need to decide if you want to be in or out of our lives." "Does that sound like a patsy to you?" "Hell, no." "Thanks, King." "Okay, Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy." "Honey, stop." "Come on, of course we don't want you out of our lives." "Jim, tell him." "Yeah." "I guess." "I mean, if it's something that you really, really want, we're okay with it." "Really?" "Double brother-in-law." "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, man!" "That means the world to me." "You know what?" "After that sleeping with your best friend thing, let's keep our distance, okay?" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come on in, I'm almost ready." "Hey!" "Oh, hey!" "I brought you a little wedding gift." "A plunger?" "Yeah, don't you get it?" "You know, you're taking the plunge, marriage?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that's funny." "Well, welcome to the family." "Again." "Well, it looks like you guys are going on a honeymoon." "Oh, yeah." "Does it look like that?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, that's what we're doing." "Where you going?" "Somewhere nice." "You know, warm." "Maybe Canada." "Look, uh, Jim, I gotta finish packing." "Look, Andy's going to be here any minute." "Oh." "Well, that's kind of weird, because he's..." "He's supposed to do a demonstration with me this afternoon." "Oh." "Well, I was gonna go first and then he's gonna meet me." "Oh." "Didn't you just say he was going to pick you up?" "Oh, hey, we had a couple of plans." "I don't know which one we really landed on." "What's going on here, Roxanne?" "(CAR HORN HONKING)" "Is that Rick out there?" "I don't know." "You think I know everybody that honks their horn in this town?" "You're dumping Andy, aren't you?" "I wouldn't call it dumping." "I'm just leaving with another guy." "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "I knew that as soon as I let my guard down, you'd slip back to who you are and you'd run off with some loser." "Hey, Rick is not a loser." "Why did you marry Andy in the first place?" "I was kind of drunk, then he won me that teddy bear, and then we had a really big steak." "It just felt right." "He thinks you guys are going to spend the rest of your lives together." "Hey, look, this isn't my fault!" "You don't know the whole story." "(SCOFFS) What..." "I didn't want to be with Rick, but then he called me and then I did." "That's not a story!" "Oh, come on!" "(HORN HONKS)" "You know what?" "I got to go." "(STAMMERING) Whoa, wait." "You're not going anywhere until you tell Andy exactly what you're doing." "Could you tell him?" "See, we're not really that close." "You're his wife!" "Well, I guess he'll find out when he comes home for dinner tonight." "Look, come on, I'll send you a postcard when we get settled..." "No, no, no, no, no!" "No postcards, no phone calls, I don't want anything from you." "And in the future, you stay away from me and you stay away from my family." "Well, if that's what you want." "That's what I want!" "Look, could I borrow 50 bucks?" "You know, for gas and smokes on the way." "Forget it!" "Oh, come on, Jimmy, I'm family." "How about 20?" "(SIGHS) Oh, God." "I can't believe I'm doing this." "Thanks." "Get out of here." "I'll pay you back." "Yeah, yeah." "I know." "When you get settled." "I know." "I know." "I understand." "Yeah." "Well, bye!" "Bye." "What are you going to tell Andy?" "I don't know." "We got to get through this demonstration first and then I'll talk to him." "Okay." "I'll take him to a nudie bar or something." "What?" "Well, I didn't give him a bachelor party." "(SCOFFS) Oh." "Hey." "Hey, is Andy here, yet?" "No." "I can't believe this." "I always thought I'd be the first one to get divorced." "Ah, don't feel bad." "It'll probably happen a couple of times, for you." "CHERYL:" "Oh!" "Hmm." "You read the script?" "Ready for the show?" "Are you ready?" "Yeah." "Well..." "I just read what you want me to say and I have a problem with the line," ""This foam insulation is as easy as I am."" "(STAMMERING) What?" "It's a metaphor." "You know, we're personifying the foam to make it more appealing to the buyers." "Right." "Okay, then explain why I'm jumping on a mini-trampoline in a wet T-shirt?" "(CLICKS TONGUE)" "Oh, that." "Well, that's just pure showmanship." "(MOUTHING)" "Actors!" "Look, Cheryl, all we..." "Andy!" "Hey, man, where have you been?" "We've got two minutes before we go on." "I know!" "I know!" "I was picking out a ring for Roxanne, but I couldn't make up my mind." "Evan?" "Andy, honey, you really don't want to buy a ring right now." "Why not?" "Well... (CRYING) No reason." "(SOBS)" "Break a leg." "What's wrong with her?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "You know Cheryl, it's either hormones or the fact that Roxanne ran off with her old boyfriend." "Hi, I'm Bambi, your Fab-U-Foam girl." "And let me tell you, this foam insulation is as easy as I am." "(ALL WHOOPING)" "(DANA CHATTERING)" "Andy, I am so sorry." "Look, it's not you." "You're a great guy." "She's not worth it." "Yeah." "No, you're right." "Look, you don't have to do this thing if you're not up for it." "It's okay." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "The show must go on, right?" "All right." "Shower, shower." "I feel dirty." "(HUFFS)" "(STAMMERS)" "Okay, here we go!" "Hi, I'm Jim." "I'm here to tell you about a fantastic new product called Fab-U-Foam insulation." "Bring back the chick!" "(ALL AGREEING)" "Okay, gentlemen, what do you say we take a trip?" "Take a trip into my house." "My house is like any house in your neighborhood." "Well, I wonder who that could be?" "Come in!" "Hello, homeowner!" "I'm your Fab-U-Foam man!" "Well, hi!" "Word on the street is, you're roasting in the summer and... (WHIMPERING) Freezing in the winter." "Andy, Andy, stay with me here." "Stay with me." "Uh, wouldn't it be better to be comfortable all year round?" "Well, sure it would be." "But how can a working stiff like me afford that?" "What with the fat cats getting rich in Washington!" "(AUDIENCE ALL AGREEING)" "It's easy!" "You're a damn liar!" "Am I?" "Or am I an angel sent from heaven?" "Insulation heaven." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Uh, but seriously, allow me to give you a demonstration." "Well, I'd like to see that, wouldn't you?" "AUDIENCE:" "Yeah!" "Thank you, Fab-U-Foam man!" "(MECHANICAL BUZZING)" "Do your speech." "(STAMMERING) I..." "Do your speech!" "I'm trying, Jim!" "I just..." "I can't." "All right, I'll do it!" "Yes, I agree, Fab-U-Foam man." "Just for pennies per square inch, why, your insulation can fill every nook and crevice in my home with warm and toasty protection." "Take that, Mother Nature!" "New insulation?" "(GROANING) Curse you, Fab-U-Foam man!" "Lose the sheets!" "(AUDIENCE LAUGH)" "Yeah, you wish." "Andy, Andy, Andy, pull yourself together!" "(SOBBING)" "My wife left me." "I'm nothing!" "Andy, pull yourself together!" "I have nothing to live for." "I'm a cuckold!" "Yes, a cuckold!" "We're all cuckolds if we don't have Fab-U-Foam insulation." "Jim, the hose!" "What?" "The hose?" "Andy!" "Andy!" "The hose!" "Andy, give me that!" "Turn it off!" "Off!" "Off!" "Off!" "(JIM GRUNTING)" "DANA:" "Turn it off!" "Great insulation!" "(EXCLAIMS) It's stuck!" "It's stuck!" "(SCREAMING)" "Andy!" "Andy..." "Honey, honey, why are you walking like that?" "(GRUNTS) I gotta tell you, that Fab-U-Foam?" "Yeah?" "It really does fill every nook and crevice." "(LAUGHING)" "I may be uncomfortable, but I am fireproof." "Oh, look at that." "Wishing fountain." "What a racket." "Oh, honey, I don't know." "It is, it's a racket." "I threw a coin in the fountain today wishing for an evening alone with you, and here we are." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "It was a penny though, right?" "You didn't throw any silver?" "Sit down." "(BOTH EXHALE)" "Hey!" "Wow, you look so good." "Oh." "Thank you, sweetie." "Hey, how you doing?" "Me?" "I'm all right." "Yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah, I mean, I don't know." "I wish things would have worked out with Roxanne, but they didn't." "The end." "Oh, honey." "I am so sorry." "You know, I really thought I was doing the right thing." "I guess some people really don't change." "Well, you think you would have learned that after all the years living with me." "(LAUGHING) Yeah." "I will never try to change anybody ever again." "(CHUCKLES) Yeah, you will." "Yeah, I will." "You won't change." "(LAUGHS)" "Hey, you think Andy's going to be okay?" "Yeah, well, he's a little busted up." "Yeah." "It'll take a while." "You know, Dana took him out tonight." "Maybe she'll cheer him up." "Yeah." "(SLURPING)" "See?" "Isn't this fun?" "I really thought she was the one." "(SIGHS)" "Andy, come on, don't think about her!" "We're at the  Jubilee!" "You'll love this!" "I don't know, Dana!" "I need to go back to my room." "(STAMMERING) It's just too soon." "ANNOUNCER:" "It looks like we have a volunteer!" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "No, no, no!" "I said it's too soon!" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)"