"George Lopez!" "Come here!" "I need your help with this gardener!" "I can't, I'm talking to this lady." "Wow, stroller, pink hair, hey!" " George!" " Hey, man." " Wow, last night we talked, huh?" " I don't remember." " I feel like we can talk now, you know?" " Yeah, we can." "And you're right, I am having problems with my wife." "I mean, we haven't had marital relations in, like, months!" "I haven't seen her cans!" " Too much, I don't..." " That's not a good sign, right?" " Dude, all right, just don't trespass." " Can we talk?" " Okay." " Can I... should I call you, or what?" " Gotta go!" " Hey!" "George Lopez!" "Who puts a dog in a baby carriage?" "Dog in a carriage?" "Sounds cute." "She had him buckled in, and he had pink hair!" " Women in Beverly Hills..." " Let me tell you about... oh!" "What's all these people doing right here?" "Oh yeah, I heard they put in a new Chipotle." "Seriously?" "That's what they're in line for?" "See, here's the thing: they think they're getting authentic Mexican food, right?" "But an authentic Mexican restaurant doesn't have a sign that says "No Lard."" "They got a sign that says "Lard!"" "That's right." "Manteca de cerdo." " Right?" " Uh-huh." "That's what I'm telling you:" "We're never gonna find a place to eat around here." "Let's go back to the old neighborhood, eh?" "Where you can have real Mexican food and dogs roam free!" " Oh man, that was good." " Yeah, thanks for lunch, homes." " You got it." " It was good seeing you." "Let's do it again in the near future." "Hey, seriously whichever one of you guys took the tip off the table, go put it back." " Hey!" " What's up?" " What's happening, guys, what's up?" " They're doing great!" "They won the season championship last weekend." " You guys are the champs?" " Yeah!" "Man, when I played on San Fernando, we never... had players that were any good, you know?" " You got some rings?" "Let me see!" " We didn't get them." "They need the ring money to fix the field." "Oh, that's not right." "When you're a champ, you gotta have a ring," " show everybody that you're a champ!" " Yeah!" "I'll tell you what." "I'ma buy the rings for the whole team." " Oh, yeah!" " Whoa!" "All right, George!" "That was really nice, jefe." "Hey, Manolo, I feel more relaxed." "The sky is bluer, air is fresher, you know?" "You know why?" "Uh... that Percocet you got off Eduardo?" "Yeah, partially, but no." "I think it's because I'm back in the hood, man, amongst the people." "Percocet constipates me." "Hey, what about being able to come back and buy championship rings for the team?" "If you did that, my mom might actually like you." "Hey, wait a minute." "Look up there, hey!" " That lot is for sale!" " Oh, yeah?" " That one we used to play baseball in!" " Yeah." "Whoa." "Wait, you know what?" " Pull the car over." " A'ight." "Wow." "So what do you think?" " Of all the dog crap?" " No!" "The syringes?" "No, Manolo, the lot, man, the location!" " You can see the O'Reilly Auto Parts!" " Lift you head above that." "Look at... you can see Hidden Hills;" "the reservoir right there that's empty." "You know, I always had a fantasy of having a place of comfort and tranquility." "Isn't that what you have in Beverly Hills?" "No." "Beverly Hills, it doesn't have the flavor, the smells, I mean..." "Smell that!" "That's chorizo." "My neighborhood smell like toast." "This is beautiful, right here." "You know what, Manolo?" "I'm gonna buy this land." "And I'm gonna build a house, and I'm gonna live right here amongst my people!" "Hey, jefe?" "You mind if I start picking up all these bottles and cans?" "So I could recycle and make a little extra feria?" "Yeah, go ahead." "This will be tranquil!" "I'ma call this "Casa de Tranquil."" "Hey, jefe, there's a car coming." "Yeah." "Is that her?" "That's gotta be Alita Vargas." "Hey, you remember what I told you?" " Yeah." " All right, fool, go ahead." " Don't trip." "I got you covered." " Just don't mention me at all." "All right." " Excuse me." "How you doin'?" " Hi!" "Mister Manolo, I'm Alita Vargas." " Yeah, I want to buy this." " Oh, it's an excellent site." "Zoned for business, residential, whatever you want." "Can I ask how long have you been looking?" " About 30 minutes?" " No, no no, I mean for... um..." "You know what?" "Here are the site specs." "Is that price within your budget?" "Yeah, it looks good, I'll take it." "Oh." "Have you been preapproved?" "You know, for credit?" "If you say so." "You expect me to believe you're the buyer?" "What are you going to do, grow beans?" " Yeah, something like that." " Mmm." "Hey!" "You know what?" "I know you!" "You're that guy that's always hanging out at La Azteca!" " Manolo!" " Who's in the car?" "Uh, what car?" "That car." "Nobody." " Nobody, huh?" " What's she doing?" " Hey!" " No!" "Whoever you are, stop being a pussy and show your face." "Come on!" "Let's go, open up!" " George Lopez!" " Hey." "How you doing, I..." "I'm um, working on a new show called, uh, "Hidden Jorge."" "It's a lot of... it's on Telemundo." "A lot of cameras out here, recording devices..." " All right, that's a wrap, guys." " Uh-huh." "Yeah, you just didn't want me to know you were the buyer because you thought I'd charge you too much." " Hey, no." " She's onto us, jefe." "What is George Lopez doing buying in this neighborhood anyway?" " I'm from here, you know?" " I know!" "The question is why are you back here?" "Well you know, I kind of missed, uh, how beautiful it is out here, and you know..." "How breathtaking the scenery is." "Oh, um... are you working with a realtor now?" "I am... no." "I'm unattached." "Uh... and I don't have a realtor either." "Oh, I suppose I could take you on." "Oh, can you handle this?" "It's a lot to..." " Oh, I love a challenge." " Ooh, okay." "All this back-and-forth is like "Mr. and Mrs. Smith."" "You know, where Brad and Angelina try to assassinate each other?" "Okay, go... go get the pistachio shells out of the car." "Claro, sí." "You know, since, um, I already rep the owner, I could charge less commission." "Get you a good price." "That would be great, that's a win-win." " It is." "It really is." " What exactly..." "Yes, okay, here's the site specs." " Okay." "Wow." "That's a great lot." " Yes, it is." "I love weekends here." "That's why if the priest gave scores to the football games," "I'd be at church every Sunday." "If the Rams move to L.A., none of us would be going to church on Sundays." " Hey, man, you recording me?" " No." "Yes." "It's for the podcast!" "What did you guys end up calling that?" "Cholo Chat!" "(bleep) George Lopez!" "You come back to steal more of my stories for your standup?" "Hey, man, relax, you're in a public place!" "I wrote letters about your terrible show." "I tried to get it off the air." "Finally got it canceled but that shit's still on my TV, man!" "(bleep) George Lopez!" " Dude." " Here, hide it, just hide it, man!" "Manolito!" "Hey, ma." "That's for lunch?" "I'm starving!" "No te quiero cerca de mi hijo." "No eres buena persona." " She says you're a bad influence." " I got a star on the Walk of Fame when you were in Pelican Bay." "How am I a bad influence?" "Tienes una boca sucia!" "Necesitas ir a la iglesia." "She says you use too many dirty words in your act," " and she's never seen you in church." " I speak Spanish." "...que va cambiar." "I didn't say I was going to change!" " Got it all right here." " What is that, a Cholo Chat exclusive?" "Yeah." "George Lopez." "You are a good man, a great man to buy rings for our team." "Yeah man, thank you." "You know what?" "Those look nice right there." "Nice, yes, but we want more than nice for our boys, no?" "Whoa, man, come on!" "That looks like a Super Bowl ring!" "Exactly." "Each one will be hand-crafted." "Each one will have little diamonds that spell out "San Fernando."" "Wow, San Fernando's a big word." "It's actually, uh, it's two words!" "It's cool, though." "If you give someone a beatdown, they'll have San Fernando marked all over their face." "So uh, how much are we talking about?" "For you, the funny man discount, huh?" "$1,400 all in." "Come... that's a relief, phew!" " I can give you that right now!" " Hang on." "Right there, I put $1,500, you know." "Thanks for your help." "George, George..." "That's $1,500 per ring." " Per ring." " What?" "Wait a minute man, that... that..." "Hang on." "That's a lot of money." "You said... wait a minute, man, you said $1,400." " You countered with $1,500." " You did say $1,500, jefe." "You work here?" "Why don't we just go with, uh, look and make it easy?" "You know right there, you have dice, you can put the score." " We'll just go with these." " Sure, if you want to play it that way!" "But what are people going to say when Mr. Big Shot TV star builds a water park, then buys our heroes cheap rings?" " Water park?" " On the land you bought!" "No, man, come on!" "I'm not building a water park!" "Of course, it is your decision, George Lopez." "You should do whatever makes you feel comfortable doing!" "For your former community." "Come on, dude." "Former?" "Let's go see Holly." "I need some work." "This is what I was telling you, dude." "Every time I try to go back and do something good" "I get a mouthful of crap!" "Want me to pick you up some breath mints?" "You know, I honestly don't know if you're joking or not." " What?" " $1,400, $1,500 a ring?" "That guy's crazy!" "I can't do that!" "It's tax-deductible." "How do you know, fool?" "You don't even pay taxes!" "I pay sales tax." "Ow!" "Hello my friend." "Oh!" "Hello." " Okay." " You get a new ironing board?" "No, it's just a standing desk so I can work standing up." "Okay." "Speaking of work, your land purchase went through." "So I'll go ahead and cut a check to the owner, Alita Vargas." "Uh, no, Alita Vargas is the realtor." " Nope, owner." " What?" "She's the owner?" "I thought... oh, man, I must have read it incorrectly." "Read it wrong?" "What did she tell you?" " She told me she was the realtor." " Okay, was she hot?" "I..." "I didn't notice." "Look, buddy." "How many times have I told you:" "If you want to (bleep) her." "Just let me do the negotiating so she doesn't (bleep) you." "Wait a minute, what's with that (bleep) and the "buddies"?" "Okay, wait." "Oh... are you trying to sound like Danny?" "A little, but..." " I'm trying to toughen up." " Oh, yeah." "I get that." "You know when you're 18 and 4 feet tall..." "Okay, look." "George, your business manager has been riding me about all this money that you're spending with the land and those rings you're supposed to buy." " The cash flow is tight, my friend." " What do you mean, tight?" "I mean you might have to sell the Pebble Beach house tight!" "No way, no." "I bought Pebble Beach, and that's how I knew I made it." "I'm not..." "Have you ever been up there?" "It's beautiful." "Well, there is one other option." " Remember Tiddly Pie?" " The viral kid that has already turned me down twice?" " Once for creative differences?" " Well, it's back in play." "Turns out he's a big Beverly Hills Chihuahua fan." "Listen, Tiddly Pie, no, no way." "Concentrate on the Vegas thing and let's get some gigs, okay?" "Some real gigs." " I gotta pay for some rings." " This (bleep) desk." "Everyone here is gonna hate me" "I don't buy those damn baseball rings, Manolo." "What happened to plain old bragging rights?" "Hey, there's Alita right there." "Pull over." "What is she doing?" " Oh my, do you need some help?" " Oh, my hero." "It's this damn drought." " There we go." " All right." "Hey, speaking of real estate..." "So, my manager's got this crazy idea that the property you sold me was actually yours." "Yeah, it was." "Wait a minute, Alita, you lied to me?" "I thought you told me the owner was a guy that got his leg amputated." "It was his foot, and it was true when I told you that." " I bought it after." " So you could flip it?" "Look, Mr. One Foot is a real ladrón." "If he knew George Lopez was the buyer, he'd have jacked up the price." "So, I bought the land, and I sold it to you for way less than he would have." " Smart." " Mm-hmm." "Hey, George Lopez!" "Hey, when are you gonna open that water park?" "Look, I'm not opening a water park!" "Oh, you're keeping raging Lopez on the DL, huh?" " I got you." " Man, somebody started this rumor that I'm opening a water park on the property I just bought from you." "I'm not!" "I like it." "It's good buzz." "It will help drive up property values." " Did you start the rumor?" " Me?" "Come on." "Thanks for building a water park, George." "You know, why does everybody think I'm building a water park?" "So will kids under 5 be admitted for free?" "When accompanied by an adult!" "Dude, you're making up rules to an imaginary water park." "It's always that." "Is it okay if I join?" "Hey Coach, congratulations on the championship, man!" "Yeah..." "George, what's this I hear about you going with the crappy rings?" "The players are very upset!" "He's a millionaire, and he's giving our boys Cracker Jack rings!" "(bleep) George Lopez!" "Okay, we're not going with crappy rings, okay." "As a matter of fact, you know, I'm gonna get the gaudy ones, the big... kind of the ones that Super Bowl winners wear!" "Yeah, with diamonds!" "Gonna leave a big-ass mark, Coach!" "All right!" "All right." "So how many rings are we talking about, Coach?" "The nine starters, a sub?" "Here's a list of everyone that gets a ring." "There's more than a team's worth of names here!" "Looks like there's more on the back!" " Taco." "Who's Taco?" " He's the mascot." " Mascots don't get rings!" " Mascots get rings." " Mm-hmm." " Yeah." "Players, coaches, mascots, trainers, scorekeepers..." " Don't forget the groundskeepers' kids!" " Oh, yeah." " They were chalking the field." " Wha..." "How many kids did he have?" " Eight." " All right, listen." "I think we should just give them one ring for them to share." "I mean, they shared the fun!" " They're orphans, George." " Yeah, that's messed up." "How many rings are we..." "Are we talking about, Coach?" " 63." " 63?" "That's the short list." "Okay, to be honest, I think that only the actual players who played in the championship should get rings, because that makes you feel special." "If you didn't participate in the championship," "I think if they get a ring, I think it cheapens the game of baseball which already has a lot of problems with steroids and infidelities..." "I didn't actually play, so what, I don't get a ring?" "Won't even give the coach a ring?" "(bleep) George Lopez!" "You get a ring, the players, maybe the third base coach 'cause he's the one..." "The last one that sees them before they score." "What do you want to do, have two celebration banquets?" "Wait a minute, I'm not..." "I'm not paying for a banquet." "Why you gotta come down here and let everyone know how rich you are and then take a giant dump on all of us?" "(bleep) you, George Lopez!" "Okay." "Manolo, shall we?" "I have to go to one of my other charity events where you know," "I give toys to, you know, kids in the hospital." "Yeah, yeah, probably one toy for all the sick kids, just like one ring for all the groundskeeper's orphans!" "(bleep) George Lopez!" "You think Jerry Seinfeld has to go through that when he goes back to Long Island?" "Or Chris Rock in Brooklyn?" " Why me?" " Uh, jefe?" "What do you call one of those questions you don't really want an answer to?" "Wait, what are all those people doing up there?" "All those people are standing on my new lot!" "Let's go check it out." "Look, guys." "The big waterslide is gonna come right down hill!" "It's gonna be great!" "Hey, George!" "He says you're not building a water park!" "I'm not!" "See?" "He's building a community garden and park so our children can enjoy some green space!" "I'm not doing that either." "George Lopez es malo!" "Malo, malo, malo!" "George, Mama don't believe you're building a church." "I'm not building a church!" "You know that!" "Why would you tell her that?" "El diablo!" " Señora..." " Diablo!" "Oh, you were in prison, and I'm the devil." "Where you guys getting this stuff from?" "He came to steal our dreams!" "Just like he stole my life to make his many TV shows!" "(bleep) George Lopez!" "I just wanted to come and" " get a place where I could connect..." " Green space?" "I don't want any green space!" "There is going to be a lazy river in the middle!" " A lazy river?" " Yes!" "You're gonna keep it secret!" "It's gonna be awesome!" "I know a guy who can make a car bulletproof." "He used to work for El Chapo." "Gees, Mano, it's not that bad, dude." "Once the house is built, they'll all forget about the communal garden" " and the whole water park thing." " What about the rings?" "Yeah, that's gonna be tough because those kids would have had those rings their whole life!" "Then, every time somebody sees the ring they're gonna say," ""Hey, where'd you get those, from that cheap bastard George Lopez?"" " If you're lucky." " I know what I gotta do." " Holly, I need money." " Mmm, so you're selling Pebble Beach?" "No!" "I'd rather pull a wagon with that... that... that kid Tiddler..." " Tiddly Pie?" " My mom loves that guy." " She thinks he's hilarious." " How much money can I make?" "You could make as much as you need if you carry an energy drink and wear a headband from an app company, hell yeah!" "Rivera, who didn't just keep our towels clean." " He folded some of them." " There you go." "Manny Delplato, whose bus driving skills are second to no one." "Except for perhaps José Hernández." "Apparently they couldn't have done it without you." "Maria Delgado, who made incredible tamales every Christmas." " How many more do we have?" " Uh, 43." "63 rings and not one thank you!" "Well, it was a nice ceremony." " You did great." " Thank you." "Oh, and thank you for letting me staple my business cards to the back of the program." "I love the community, and you're part of the community." "So, um..." "Do you think you're gonna sell the Pebble Beach house?" "I don't know." "I've been thinking about a lot of things." "Yeah?" "Me too, George." "El diablo!" " No, pero Señora, you scared..." " Diablo!" "You know, there are days that I ask myself," ""Do I want fries with that?"" "You want fries with that?" "You want fries with that?" "You want fries with that?" "Yes." "Yes I do, every time." "Now, I've got a lot of famous people that have been pulling my wagon lately." "I've had Justin Timberlake, Gwyneth Paltrow, George Lopez!" "Yeah, don't worry, I didn't know who he was either." "But, time to pull the wagon!" "Hey Lopez, I asked if you want fries with that!"