"(Clock ticking)" "It's all very... uiet?" "– uiet." "It's all very quiet." "– Mm." "Did you know...?" "No, never mind." "– Do you want me to say, "No, go on"?" "– No, no, it's really boring." "Well, did you know that Eric was the twelfth most popular name in Australia in 1970, but in 1960 it was only the 46th?" "That's quite a leap, isn't it?" "Let's get a TV, love." "If you're happy to sit in front of an instrument of mass manipulation." "All forms of mass experience are unhealthy." "Ten million people watching the same image." "That's...spooky." "– It's not spooky." "– It's spooky." "(Raising her voice ) It's not spooky!" "What about an orgasm?" "That's a healthy form of mass experience." "I mean, we should do something in the evenings." "Get out, do some sort of activity." "Well, you pick something, I'll do it." "As long as it doesn't involve bending." "I hate bending." "It would be good if it was something we could involve my parents in somehow." "We could take them to the local branch of the Dangerous Sports Society." "What?" "I don't want us to have sex just cos we're bored." "It can be a drag in the beginning but after a couple of minutes it's always great." "– That was too honest, wasn't it?" "– No, no, for me it's the other way round." "Have you got the sheaths?" "Do not start that again." "I've told you, I'm not going back on the pill." "I didn't say anything, I didn't say anything." "(Heavy sigh)" "Where did Lisa come in that list?" "Erm..." "It was nineteenth in America in 1960." "But it jumped up to number four in 1970." "– Ooh!" "– Right up there." "– (Lisa ) Will you hurry up?" "– All right, all right." "Jesus!" "So, what's that one?" "It's an oak, where the squirrels get their acorns and bring them up home for tea." "Marvellous." "What about that one?" "– It's a horse chestnut, where we get conkers." "– Yes!" "– What's that?" "– Oh, it's a beech." "No, a trustafarian." "Yellow, russet stripling, where you get contact lenses from." "What school do you go to, Justin?" "What school was that?" "Try to face me, Justin." "– And keep your head up." "– Why?" "It helps to hide your double chin." "What about yours, pie boy?" "Feel free to give me your best smile." "Any time." "Perhaps you could think of something happy." "Cast your mind back to your childhood, perhaps." "Sorry." "Sausage!" "Balloon!" "Bum!" "Scooby–Doo?" "Gorgonzola?" "Titties." "– Sausage." "– You already said "sausage"." "Arsehole." "Right." "Justin, if you could just face the camera for just..." "Over there, OK?" "– Oh!" "– He hit me." "– He hit me." "– You did." "I was altering his position." "He wasn't looking at the camera." "Come back." "Oh, no." "Bad thing." "I did a bad thing." "One heart." "One diamond." "– Clubs?" "– How many?" "– Erm..." "I'm not telling you." "– You have to." "Remember, we did it at home?" "How many shall I say?" "(Sighing) One no trump, would be safe." "Four no trumps." "No, nothing." "None." "Eight diamonds." "A spade?" "Full house." "I don't think Ian's ready for the intermediate class." "I've got a jack." "– (Lisa ) I know it's a bit wanky." "– No, no, I'll get into it eventually." "It'll be a painless way of spending time with my parents." "– I think they're starting to like you, actually." "– (Snorts with derision )" "– Really?" "– Yeah." "Of course, love." "It won't last, though, cos you're obviously shit at bridge." "– (Shrieking) Oi, pervert!" "Get off my bottom!" "– I can't stop." "I have to touch it." "No, no, don't!" "It makes me feel funny!" "Oh, hello." "– Evening, Columbo." "– Good evening, Lisa." "– Hi, Peter." "– Fairly high spirits?" "Mmm." "What's the matter?" "I have to caution you that a complaint has been brought against you." "By..." "By whom?" "I can't reveal that at this stage." "Well, what's it about?" "You're being investigated for assaulting a minor." "– A what?" "– A minor." "You know, a little youth." "– That's insane." "– That's ridiculous." "Who's it supposed to be?" "I can't reveal that at this stage, I'm afraid." "It's Justin Howard, isn't it?" "It's Justin Howard." "– Do you know how many horrible kids I..." "– Assault?" "– I haven't assaulted anybody." "– Would you like a cup of tea, Peter?" "No, don't give him tea!" "Don't give him tea." "You are alleged, this afternoon, to have slapped and yanked Master Howard." "No way." "No way." "Well, a smidgen of slappage, but no yanking." "If you indeed slapped Master Howard, as you now admit, then there may well be an assault charge." "I will, of course, keep you informed." "Night, Lisa." "Don't worry about the tea." "Oh, night, night, Peter." "So, what happened?" "I was photographing this kid and he wouldn't do anything for me, so, you know, I... clipped him over the ear and tweaked him on the shoulder." "That was a stupid thing to do." "He called me "pie boy"." "He went into the zone." "What?" "I know Justin's difficult, but he's a child." "You just don't do that, Ian." "I didn't stab him." "Yeah, it's a very special bond, brother and sister." "I would walk on hot coals if Lisa asked me." "In bare feet?" "Oh, in bare feet, natch." "To be honest, I can't see her ever asking, so I'm on safe ground, but, you know, we're really close and really alike." "Oh, yeah, very similar, yeah." "You know, the thing is, right, is that, OK, right, she's a teacher and I'm a builder, as you know, but in a way we're both builders, because..." "..she's building young minds, and I'm building...a toilet block, at the moment." "Similar." "– I mean, families, the whole thing..." "– Oh, families!" "Weird, weird, shit." "Listen, Ian." "We were wondering, right?" "What's the difference between buggery and sodomy?" "– Well, buggery can involve animals." "– Yeah?" "Oi, Phil!" "Apparently, Ian says, buggery can involve animals." "Whereas sodomy..." "– ..involves anal intercourse..." "– ..involves anal intercourse... – ..between humans only." "– ..between humans only." "– All right, Dean?" "– Spaz!" "– All right?" "– Yeah." "Good." "How are you?" "– Not bad." "– Do you know my brother–in–law, Ian?" "– Hello." "– He's from the Bogside." "– No, I'm not." "– You're in trouble for hitting the Howard boy." "– How do you know?" "– He knows everything." "Spaz works for the Mid–Sussex Times." "– It's a newspaper, not a snooze paper." "– Neurotic, middle–class parents eh?" "Bad luck." "Yeah, right." "Nobody's more liberal around here than me." "You know, I think otters should be protected and kept wet, and old people should have headphones and those nibbly things, and children should be included." "But all the spontaneity's been chased out of relationships." "Oi, Ian, what happened to taking the law into your own hands?" "How come that's so wrong, all of a sudden?" "Anyway, I mean, it's gonna be like America." "You go into a restaurant and skid on a pea, and there'll be everybody suing each other's arses." "Then you'll be on television and in a tribunal for pea abuse." "OJ Pimpson!" "– What does Lisa think about all this?" "– Oh, she backs me, totally. 115 per cent." "Mind if I take a picture of you?" "I look like a mad, dribbly drunk, don't I?" "– But the hair is quite good." "– "My wife backs me 115 per cent."" "– I know." "That's terrible crap." "– How dare you quote me, Ian?" "So you don't back me?" "It puts me in a very difficult position at school." "Well, if it was you, I'd be totally in support of you." "Well, I think you did a foolish thing." "– So you back me 70 per cent?" "42 per cent?" "– (Phone ringing)" "What do you want me to say? "You were marvellous." "You did exactly the right thing."" "Hello." "Mm–hm." "It's a total lie." "I am not 26." "Oh, no." "I am." "Ssh!" "Yep." "I'll pass that on." "That was Mr Lowe, the dentist, just read the paper, offering you his congratulations on supporting corporal punishment." "For all I know, you hit Justin cos you hate kids and never want us to have any." "What?" "What?" "Of course I want us to have kids." "Well, when?" "That's why I came off the pill, you know." "Hoping you'd say, "Let's not bother taking anything at all." "Let's have a baby." ""A really lovely, sweet little baby."" "(Phone ringing)" "Mm–hm." "Mmm." "Mrs Harding, school dinner lady, offering you her support." "Hello?" "Hello, Mrs Harding." "No, I have to say I don't think we should shave their lying little heads." "You have to give the child an opportunity to respect you." "You say, "I'm in charge, I'm going to look after you because I'm your parent." ""And to show you I can do that and I will do that, I'm going to beat you."" "– Well done, well done!" "– Well done, very good." "I missed being beaten as a child." "I would have benefited from a couple of light thrashings." "The most punishment I got was, if I'd done something," "I'd find that what my mother would do, she would use an inferior cream in the sponge, and that was as far as it went." "– A little vote of thanks." "– Oh, thank you." "Just one of my people there." "I'm up, you're down." "Watch it, sonny." "Erm..." "If I had a criticism to make of Gemma, and it's a fantastically small one in the overall landscape of her personality," "I'd say she's just ever so slightly prone to...staring." "Erm..." "Have you noticed this at home?" "– No." "– Right." "Well, perhaps it's just something I bring out in her." "At this age it's difficult to assess much more than character and wellbeing." "– Are they any questions you want to ask me?" "– No, thank you." "We were rather concerned about this business with your husband." "We don't think children should ever be...you know." "Except in self–defence." "Absolutely." "Ian's actually a very kind and gentle man." "He's got a badge from Amnesty International." "If it's any consolation, we've been having arguments about this at home." "Have you heard about Dean and Jenny Baker?" "(Pam ) I think he's quite interested." "He bought her a rug, apparently." "– A rug?" "– Mmm, a nice rug." "They make quite a good couple." "It's about time he went out with someone his own height." "Maybe he'll slow down, now he's slept with every unmarried woman in the village." "Except Veronica Dinners." "(Pam ) No, I suspect he'll just drive into Penfold." "You can't blame nature for wanting to replenish the gene pool." "Ssh." "Ssh." "Sorry." "Don't you think Warren looked a bit peaky last week?" "– One spade." "– Two hearts." "– Pass." "– Pass." "I see the Labour Party's making a complete pig's ear of the Countryside Bill." "– Five spades." "– No bid." "– (Lisa ) Pass." "– No bid." "Bold play." "I bumped into Veronica last week." "She really has got a very pretty face." "So, are you thinking of having children?" "– It's a form of mental terrorism, that's what." "– What are you drivelling on about now?" "– Old Top Turkey, your dad." "– Will you stop calling him that?" "Targeting my mental chinks, getting in under my defences." "It was a sign of his new–found respect for you, since you came out as the village disciplinarian." "I'm going to use mind games next time." "What are your dad's chinks?" "– He hasn't got any." "– I'll just have to get shit–hot at bridge, then." "– I thought we were doing really well." "– We lost by nine rubbers to one." "Where I come from, that's called doing completely crap." "I didn't put him up to asking about babies, you know." "– When are we going to talk about this?" "– Soon." "Exactly." "Exactly." "I can't be the only one who thinks children should be keener on spending time learning from ponds or chasing butterflies, rather than answering back all the bloody time." "Yeah, I know." "Of course the whole thing is very broad." "It's a cultural thing, socioeconomic." "The boy is really just the symptom, and I am the doctor." "Yeah, yeah, OK." "Thanks for your call, anyway." "OK, bye–bye." "– Oh, hi." "– Hi." "Good day at the sharp end?" "Yeah." "And you?" "Not bad." "Nearly finished my Christmas play, The Snuffly Snowman." "– Oh, good." "– If you want to check it, I'd be grateful." "– Love to." "– No, I'll get them." "Right, OK." "I thought little Carl could be the snuffly snowman." "After all his hay fever and... – Yeah, that's a good idea." "– I don't know if..." "– Good night, Headmaster." "– Good night." "I..." "I don't believe we've discussed the, erm...educational issues arising from your husband's recent foray." "It wasn't a foray." "He got annoyed." "Hmm." "I heard you on parent–teacher evening apologising for him." "Is that..." "Is that something you often do?" "Why?" "Do you and your wife agree on everything?" "Yes." "Well, it must be a generational thing." "Hmm." "One of the advantages of being from my generation is that I've seen every sort of fad and liberal drivel paraded before me." "What, like staying on at school past 14?" "Liberal drivel like the abolition of caning of 10–year–olds?" "No, no, fads like so–called New Maths, the demonising of spelling, school uniform, the very purpose of which is to protect poorer families." "The introduction of "creative play" instead of the shared experience of assembly." "– Compulsory French." "– Oh, I'm with you on the French." "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I realise that I'm in danger of alienating you." "No, no, don't mind me." "I believe you're worried that your husband isn't settling into the life of the village." "– Hmm?" "– Yes." "So you'll be pleased to hear that I'm inviting him onto the school's board of governors." "Erm..." "Ah, Holly." "Holly, Holly Hunter!" "What are you doing?" "– Who's winning this time?" "– We are." "– Are you coming to bed?" "– No." "We have to be just perfect on Saturday for the tournament thing." "This is the big one." "Lock away the pets and cancel the milk and all that." "I've been reading about the psychology of games." "Now I can channel my aggression into the exact point where we need it." "– Isn't there a vital flaw to your plan?" "– What?" "What?" "We are a team." "You're only as good as your weakest player." "– Hmm." "– I'm feeling quite horny, actually." "Good, good." "Remind me, why are men so competitive?" "Women like it." "Don't you, Holly?" "I know what you're up to, you know." "You think you're Paul Newman in The Hustler." "(US drawl) You're gonna whup my dad." "I'm going to whup whoever needs to be whupped." "I've been thinking about this." "We men..." "Omar will back me up on this..." "We're like magnificent pinions or pegs, under the frail fabric of society which is made up of the elderly, children and... womenfolk." "– You're starting to believe this, aren't you?" "– What?" "A couple of Snowle knuckle–dragging neo–fascists ring you up and... 37 fine people called me up." "I beg your pardon." "All of a sudden, it's like living with Herbert Goelling." "– Hermann Goering." "– Hermann Goelling." "– Hermann Goering!" "– Hermann Goering." "I've only just been accorded my rightful status in this village." "Please don't try and spoil it, Lisa." "Excuse me." "– Where are you going?" "We're winning." "– I'll see you later." "Do you want me to come and participate in the making of a magnificent child?" "No, thank you very much." "Your loss." "The world's loss." "All right, turkey guy." "Let's dance." "(Doorbell)" "(Boy crashing down )" "Hello, Mrs Howard." "Any chance of a chat?" "Yes, yes." "Oh, fine." "Come through." "Look, you'll have to excuse us." "We weren't expecting anybody." "If you'd like to come through..." "Please don't kick Gran's wheel, love." "Remember me, Justin?" "I taught you for a couple of months in year three?" "I'm sorry about the mess." "It's just that my husband's working in Bahrain and... – Oh, what does he do?" "– Erm..." "Tests on sand." "– Tests!" "Don't talk to me about..." "– Will you stop kicking that wheel, Justin?" "Well, it's no surprise why I'm here." "I'm not sure where you are with your thinking, but I wondered if we could settle this nicely." "Ian's very upset." "Well, look, why don't we sit down and at least talk about it?" "One heart." "One no trumps." "Two hearts." "Two no trumps." "Three hearts." "So, I believe you evaded my question the first time, about whether you're thinking of having children." "Mmm." "We've decided to wait a while." "We're not ready yet." "No bid." "– No bid." "– No bid." "So, three hearts, the contract." "And we'll double." "I bow to your irrepressible thirst for victory." "Lisa tells me she's arranged for you to make a public apology to the Howard child at two o'clock this afternoon." "What?" "It's not important." "I was going to tell you later." "It'll only take a moment." "– I'm not apologising." "– (Sighing) I want you to." "I'm not apologising." "Why do you have to make everything so difficult?" "I'll just go, OK?" "Don't worry, darling." "We'll find you someone new to play with." "Yeah, she looks a bit like Goldie Hawn." "But, you know, she's much taller." "She's dead tall, know what I mean?" "She's got these really long...well, everything, really." "E!" "OK." "– You all right, you big poof?" "– Yeah." "So?" "(Dean ) Right, link arms." "That's it, link your arms." "Go on." "Right." "Brilliant." "Let's have a look." "No, it's shit." "Erm..." "What about a hug?" "Hug?" "– (Both) No." "– No?" "How about a bit of friendly sparring?" "Ducking and diving?" "Right, now you be, what, Prince Naseem?" "Now, put your hand up, that's lovely!" "Fantastic, yeah." "And you be..." "George Foreman." "Right, southpaw, right arm like that." "That's fantastic." "– What do you think?" "– Brilliant!" "That's brilliant!" "OK!" "– And...spar!" "– Throw a punch, go on!" "– And again." "– Put some effort into it." "Go on, go on!" "One more, go on!" "– Bloody hell!" "– What has he done to you?" "You maniac!" "Look at him!" "He'll heal." "He's young." "He's a little kid!" "(Dean ) Justin, if I was you, I would beat the crap out of him." "Do you want me to do it?" "Boxing, not my thing." "Go." "What was in the suitcase?" "Oh, you know." "Running back to the city gear." "Mace, indoor sunglasses." "We're gonna be all right down here." "What's that tree?" "I don't give a stuff." "Do you?" "No, not really." "# They can paint the blackest picture of you" "# They can hate everything that you do" "# They can crush you under heel" "# But nothing will change the way I feel" "# Love's the only thing that's real" "# Nothing will change the way I feel" "# Love's the only thing that's real #"