"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Castle Duckula." "Spawning ground of terror and evil." "A place of brooding menace and hair-raising horror... where even now blood-curdling screams of despair and desolation... can be heard reverberating round its very depths." "Igor!" "Igor!" "Igor!" "You screamed, milord?" "What's all this about a werewolf?" " Werewolf, sir?" " Werewolf, Igor." "Since when have we had a werewolf?" "Since when have we had a werewolf, sir?" "Mmm." "Igor, could you please stop repeating everything I say... and give me an answer?" "Do we have a werewolf?" "No, no, milord." "Certainly not, milord." "By no means, milord." "Then what was that?" "Oh, I expect it was Nanny, milord." "Quite possibly." "You know, I'm worried about her, Igor." " Worried, milord?" " Yes, Igor." "She seems to be getting even more absent-minded." "More absent-minded, milord?" "Igor, you're doing it again." "Please stop repeating." "I beg your pardon, sir?" "Here you are, Duckypoos." "Nanny, what... what is that?" "Well, it's your breakfast, isn't it?" "Oh!" "Better late than never." "Better never than ever at all, by the looks of that thing." "Nanny, I'm a vegetarian." "That thing doesn't look as if it's even dead, let alone a vegetable." "Oh, now then, don't be such a silly sausage." "It's a..." "Ooh!" "Ooh, I see what you mean." "Oh, ho ho!" "Silly Nanny's left your breakfast... and brought you Towser instead." "Towser?" "That's right, my dear." "Towser the were..." "The weirdest looking dog you ever did see, sir." "Take Towser back to his pit, Nanny." "Off you trot, Towser." "Daddy will take you walkies later on." "You see what I mean, Igor?" "Nanny does seem a trifle abstracted, milord." "Exactly." "Still, I'm sure it's nothing that a good brain transplant couldn't cure." "Brain transplant?" "Precisely, milord." "There's a small cabbage in the larder that I feel sure would suffice." "Oh, come off it, Igor." "Brain transplant indeed." "I mean, that's dangerous... dangerous, drastic, difficult..." "and do you think it would work?" "No, sir, but just think of all the fun we could have trying." "Igor, desist." "No, no, we don't need that." "What we need is a shrink." "Nanny, we've decided that you need a shrink." "Ooh, now, then, young feller, me lad... none of your cheek, if you don't mind." "Hmm?" "What do you mean, cheek?" "Making out that your poor old Nanny's overweight." "Comfortable, maybe." "Nanny, how did we get on to the subject of your weight?" "You said I needed to shrink." "No, Nanny, a shrink, a psychiatrist." "Oh, well, that's different, then." "I have heard that Vienna in Austria... is thought to be the hub of the psychiatric world, milord." "Mmm." "Then that's where we're going." "We're going to fly the castle to Vienna and make a new woman of Nanny." "Ooh, dear." "I don't like the sound of this at all." "You don't see one of those every day, Norm." "Oh, what's that?" "A Transylvanian castle's just landed in Bill's wallaby patch." "Mmm." "Don't come the raw prawn with me, Bruce." "No, Norm, straight up." "You must reckon I'm three bangers short of a barbie." "Listen, you great drongo." "Just look over there and tell me if I'm off my kadoova or not." "Starve the lizards, Bruce." "You're not wrong, are you?" "I'll get it." "No, Nanny, please don't bother!" "Oh, no bother." "Ho ho!" "Ooh, bother." "Right." "L..." "Cripes." "Good morning, sir." "And who may I say is calling?" "Platypus is the name..." "Bill Platypus." "And I want to know what you're doing in..." "It's a Mr. Platypus, sir." "Oh, come to welcome us to Austria, eh?" "Ha ha." "I always said the Viennese were a hospitable lot." "Ah, Vienna... city of song, schnitzels, psychiatry, and searing heat." "Searing heat?" "Hmm." "Must be a heatwave." "Are you having a heat..." "Look what you've done to my wallaby patch, you galah." "Charmed to make your acquaintance, Fritz." "Don't you Fritz me, you three toad dill-headed dangalooza." "Hans?" "Heinrich?" "Uh, Gerhardt?" "Can you stop acting silly as a cut snake for long enough... to tell me what the flaming heck's going on?" "Igor." "Igor." "You called, sir?" "You speak a lot of the local lingo." "Tell this irate Austrian what we're about." "Very good, sir." "I fear, however, that I may be a trifle rusty." "If at any point I..." " Just get on with it, Igor." " As you wish, milord." "Come off it, mate." "It's no use acting the drongo with me." " Ha ha." " Huh?" "Ah, indeed, sir." "What do you mean, "Ah"?" "It would appear that the castle may have made a slight detour, milord." "What are you blathering on about, Igor?" "Unless I'm very much mistaken, this is not Austria, sir." "Not Austria?" "Not..." "Not Austria?" "Well, where are we, then?" "This gentleman's wallaby patch... in Australia, milord." "Australia?" "Australia?" "You stupid, incompetent, bungling, idiotic, mindless, infuriating..." "Ooh, what am I supposed to have done now?" "I don't know, you work your fingers to the bone... and what do you get?" "Not a word of thanks... that's what you get." "No, Nanny, not you, the castle." "I meant this infuriating contraption." "It..." "Now look what you've made me do!" "I hate you!" "I hate every inch of you!" "Who wants to be in Australia?" "Now, look, blue..." "Who are you calling blue?" "Are you color blind?" "Strap me strides up a gumbok tree." "Blue!" "It's an Australian term of familiarity, right?" "Blue, sport, mate, cobber." "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "Very well." "All right, I get the point." "Good." "Well, now, we've got that sorted out, what have you done with my wallabies?" "Hmm?" "Uh, wallabies?" "Yes, my wallabies." "What have you done with them?" "Well, as far as I know..." "Well, the last time that..." "Well, when we land..." "What's a wallaby?" "What's a wallaby?" "What sort of question's that?" "It's a very good one if you come from Transylvania... and you've never seen or heard of a wallaby in your life before... sir." "Oh, I see." "Well, they're... they're little bouncy fellers with big ears and a pouch." "Ooh, help!" "Help!" "Ooh, save us!" "Ooh, help!" "Nanny, what is it?" "Back there in the kitchen." "Help!" "Help!" "Ooh!" "Now calm down, Nanny, calm down." "I can't." "The kitchen's full of giant jumping mice." "Help!" "Ooh!" "Jumping mice, eh?" "Jumping mice?" "These are my wallabies." "And that's my lunch they're eating." "Oh, fair suck of the pineapple, sport." "Your castle's on their lunch." "What?" "On their lunch?" "How do you mean?" "Your castle's stuck on my wallaby patch, right?" "Ah, yes, I see what you mean." "Ahem." "Well, I'll move it as soon as possible." "Yeah, and I'll get my wallabies out of your kitchen." "Come on, Spot." "Heel, Rover." "Fido, put that wine down... and you can wipe that stupid grin off your face, too." "Bonzo, Brutus, come on, boys." "Now, that's what I call a clock." "Hmm." "Really?" "Huh." "I've never been all that keen on it myself." "Oh, it's a real beaut." "My Uncle Rodney would give his eye teeth for a clock like that." "He's a horologist, you know." "A horrorologist?" "Oh." "You must get Igor to show your uncle his torture chamber sometime." "No, mate, horologist." "He collects clocks." " He does?" " That's right." " Oh, then take it." " You what?" "Please, I insist." "It's the very least I can do after landing in your wallaby patch." "Well, strike me pinker than an Oskaloosa's wherryba." "You're a gent." "It's been real bonzer to make your akker, your countship... and thanks a bundle for the clock." "Uncle Rodney's gonna be chufter than a dingo with a doggy bag." "Milord, milord, under no circumstances..." "Quiet, Igor." " But milord..." " No buts, Igor." " But, milord..." " Igor, I said but me no buts." "Oh, very good, milord." "Yep, it's gonna look a real treat on Uncle Rodney's mantelpiece." "In fact, I reckon I could take it round right away." "You want to come along for the ride?" "It's only a couple of hundred miles." "A couple of hundred?" "But that's miles." "Ah, it shouldn't take too long in the jeep." "You're most kind, but I think we'll be getting back to Transylvania... if it's all the same to you." "Oh, well, fair enough, blue." "Yeah, good-bye, Mr. Platypus." "If you're ever in Transylvania, be sure to look us up." "I sure will." "Good day, sport." "Now, Igor, you had something to say?" "The clock Mr. Platypus took away with him, sir..." "The clock I very generously gave to Mr. Platypus... if you don't mind, Igor." "Gave it to him, sir?" "That's right, Igor." "I never liked it." "A bit of monstrosity, really." "What about it?" "Without the clock, milord..." "I fear we shall be unable to return to Transylvania." "Oh, is that all?" "I thought it might be... what?" "We shall be unable to move from our present position without the clock." "It is an essential part of the castle's traveling mechanism, sir." "It is?" "Well, in that case, there's only one thing to be done." "And what would that be, milord?" "Search me." "You think of something." "We could endeavor to retrieve the timepiece, milord." "Ah, brilliant!" "I knew working together we'd find an answer." "Indeed, milord, but how shall we set about its retrieval?" "Mmm." "There's only one way to get it back, Igor." "And that is, milord?" "Stumped again, I'm afraid." "We could go into the township over there... and explore the possibilities of renting a vehicle... with which to pursue Mr. Platypus, sir." "Ah, sheer genius." "Waltzing Matilda" "Waltzing Matilda" "You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me" "Hey, Sviatoslav... what do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?" " What's going on?" " I don't know, Dimitri." "What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?" "You get a wooly jumper." "Aw, that's awful." " Hey, I got another one." " What is this?" "What's small and gray and has a trunk?" " A clock that tells jokes." " A little elephant?" "I don't believe it." "No, no, a koala bear going on holiday." "A clock that tells terrible jokes." "What do you call a ten foot tall kangaroo with a machine gun?" "I don't know." "What do you call a ten foot tall kangaroo with a machine gun?" "Sir." "Oh, come on." "Knock it off." "I never heard such awful jokes." "Knock, knock." " Oh, no." " Who's there?" " Stop, please!" " Walt." " No!" "No more!" " Walt who?" "I don't think I want to hear this." "Waltzing Matilda" "Waltzing Matilda..." "That's the worst." "Oh, thank goodness I'll be at Uncle Rodney's soon." "Oh, please." "I can't be out of gas." "Waltzing Matilda..." " I'm out of gas." " Hey, Sviatoslav." "I'm out of gas in the middle of the bush with two crazy bats." "I'm gonna panic!" "Calm down, Bill." "Calm down." " The radio." "Radio for help." " A boo meringue." "Now, remain perfectly calm." "Help!" "Help!" " Ooh, who said that?" " Someone, please!" "I'm going crazy out here!" "Ooh, it's the aeroplane." "Mayday!" "Mayday!" "Ooh, Duckyboos, look..." "the aeroplane's talking to us." "No, I think you'll find that's the radio, Nanny." "Well, it looks like a plane to me." "Yes, Nanny, it is a plane, but it's got a radio in it." " Ooh, that's clever." " Hello?" "Come in!" "Whatever will they think of next?" "It sounds like someone's in trouble." " Help!" " Hey, Sviatoslav." "Oh, not again, please!" "Please, no more!" "I can't take anymore!" "I don't know, Dimitri." "What did Ned Kelly say when he saw the kangaroo coming over the hill?" "I can't stand it." "He said, "Here comes the kangaroos coming over the hill."" "Oh, that's terrible." "That's the worst yet." "...when he saw the kangaroos coming over the hill wearing dark glasses?" " Oh..." " I don't know." "What did he say?" "Nothing." "Ha ha!" "He didn't recognize them." "Help!" "I can't stand it!" "I can't stand anymore!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "H-Hello?" "Ooh!" "Hello." "Hello." "Who is this?" "Well, it's Nanny, isn't it?" " Nanny?" " That's right, dear." "And who are you?" "Bill Platypus." "Ooh, Duckypoos, it's that nice Mr. Platypus." "Help!" "Save me!" "Save me!" "Please save me!" "Rescue me!" "Help!" "Have no fear." "Help is at hand." "Count Duckula, ace pilot, is coming to the rescue." "Baron Von Reichtoan, eat your heart out." "But, milord, you've never flown one before." "No, Igor, but there's a first time for everything." "Where would we be if William and Oscar had said that, eh?" "William and Oscar, milord?" "Where have you been, Igor?" "The Wright Brothers, eh?" "The Kittycat." "Wilbur and Orville and the Kitty Hawk, sir." "Ah, so you have heard of them." "Now, come on, Igor, where's your spirit of adventure, huh?" "Now, don't you worry, Mr. Platypus." "We're on our way." "Oh, thank you, thank you." "Uh, what... what's your present position?" "Well, I'm sitting down at the back... and Duckypoos and Mr. Igor are up in the front." "No, no, no, no, I mean, where are you?" "In the plane." "But where's the flaming plane?" "Now, don't you go taking that tone of voice with me." "Mr. Grumpy never gets his way." "Oh, no!" "Get your nose up, milord... your nose!" "Get your nose up!" "That's about as far as it'll go." "No, milord, the nose of the airplane!" "Pull back on the joystick!" "Hmm?" "Oh, yes, of course." "Ha ha ha!" "I'm just testing, Igor." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Just testing." "Ahem." "Where is it?" "Oh, that stick you're holding, milord." "Pull it back." "Oh, what, you mean like this?" "Somewhat like that, milord." "Perhaps a little more gently." "Yippee!" "Yippee-yi-oh!" "Ooh!" "My own thoughts precisely, Nanny." "Oh, no!" "What is it now, Igor?" "The castle, milord..." "we are going to hit the castle." "Nonsense, Igor." "Now, which way did Mr. Platypus go?" "That way, I believe, sir." "I can see the tracks of his car leading away from the castle." "Ha ha!" "Good thinking, Igor." "You're not just a pretty face, are you?" "I beg your pardon, milord." "Just my little joke." "How do you steer this thing?" "Let's try this." "I think I'm going to be sick." " I have been." " Yippee!" " Ho ho!" " Yeah!" "Hey!" "This is exciting... exciting." "Elating, exhilarating and, excuse me, Igor, that's my hand you're holding." " Oh, I beg milord's pardon." " Duckypoos." "What is it now, Nanny?" "Please, can you turn us the right way up again?" "I think so." "Let's see." "Now we're getting somewhere." " Look, milord." " What?" "Over there." "It's Mr. Platypus." "So it is." "I wonder how you stop this thing." "Now, where's the brake?" "Igor, have you seen the brake?" "Brake, milord?" "Oh, never mind, we'll get down somehow." "Now, this stick is back for up, so maybe..." "Oh, no!" "There, simplicity itself." "I don't know what all the fuss was about." "Oh, come on, you two, snap out of it." "Oh, thank heavens you're here." "Oh!" "I was going mad!" "Mad, I tell you!" "Ah, Mr. Platypus, a pleasure." "I'm afraid I have some unpleasant news." "I find that I am forced to ask you for the return of..." "The clock!" "Please, take the clock back, please!" "The clock that I..." "Take it back?" "What's the matter?" "Don't you like it?" "Like it?" "Like it?" "It's driving me crazy!" "Please take it back!" "I'll do anything." "I'll pay you." "Pay?" "Oh, well, if you put it like that..." " Here, take it, please." " Thank you." "Strange fellow." "Now, Mr. Platypus... do you want to fly back to the castle with us, or..." "Oh, no, no, no, milord, please, please..." "anything but that." "Ooh, no, Duckyboos, no more flying for me, neither." "Oh, come on, you two." "How else are we going to get back to the castle?" " We could walk." " Walk?" "Walk?" " Are you out of your mind, Igor?" " Oh, yes, let's walk, let's walk." "Legs was made before aeroplanes." "Legs were made before..." "Leg?" "Well, yes, but walk?" "I mean, it's miles." "We'd die of thirst." "I think even that would be preferable to another flight, milord." "Oh, honestly, Igor, it was fun." "Well, I didn't think it was fun." "My poor old heart." "I tell you what..." "why don't we siphon some gas... out of the plane and into my jeep, then I could drive you back." "Ooh, I don't like snakes." "Snakes?" "He didn't say anything about..." "No, Nanny, he said siphon, not python." "Well, Mr. Platypus... as I said before, if you're ever in Transylvania..." "I'll look you up." "And thanks again for saving my skin." "You don't know what it was like out there." " No, quite." " Good day, blue." "Now to get the clock back in place... and a swift return to more pleasant climes." "Climes?" "Ooh, we're not going in more aeroplanes, are we?" "No, Nanny." "Climes as in climate." "Some gentle, soothing rain... a nice clammy fog... a thunderstorm would be most agreeable... perhaps even a little hail or sleet." "There." "And any moment now..." "Ah." "Well, I don't know about you two... but all that rescuing and stuff has made me very hungry." "Come on, Nanny, to the kitchen, and quick." "All right, then, Duckyboos." "Now, I'll start with some nice thick soup." "A vegetable pie to follow and perhaps some quiche." "Or there again, I could always have both." "Ah, food." "Oh, my favorite meal." "Oh, no!" "Oh, no, no!" "My lunch, my dinner!" "It's time to say farewell to this realm of darkness... where the werewolves roam... and the ogres and hell monsters play." "Where seldom is heard an encouraging word... and foul slimy things slither all day." "Goodnight out there, whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"