"Hello, Mia." "Would you like to come in?" "It's over." "I'm not pregnant." "In Treatment" " Mia - Season 2" " Episode 26" "I'm not feeling well." "I really should've stayed home." "I called in sick at work." "That's a first." "What did your doctor say?" "I'll live." " Did he say anything else?" " I'm so tired." "I want to go back to bed." "I'm not up for a whole session." "Well, why don't we just start and then we'll see how it..." "how it goes?" "I'd rather stay here for now." "Can I get you a glass of water?" "Maybe some tea?" "That's very nice, but I'm fine." "That's what you kept saying last week... "I'm fine."" "How have you been?" "Fine." "Would you like to tell me what happened?" "There's not much to tell." "I went to work on friday..." "Started bleeding." "I went home..." "And it didn't stop." "End of story." "So, emotionally, how are you?" "I'm kind of numb." "It feels better that way." "I understand." "I thought that I was gonna be a parent and now I know" "I'm not." "I'm really sorry, Mia." "I just felt transformed for a couple of weeks." "Like I had a real... purpose." "And I was a different... a different me." "You know, a woman has a baby and people stop asking questions:" ""what's wrong with her?"" "Or..." ""she's so ambitious."" "Or "pathetic" or "strange."" "It's easy then... she's a mother." "It answers all the questions." "It seems to me that you had a lot of questions yourself last week." "Maybe I melted down a little, but I still wanted to have the baby." "The stupid thing is I can smoke now - and I don't even want to." "So maybe you have changed a little." "Nice try." "You know," "There's other ways to be a parent if that's what you really want." "You mean compete with some young suburban couple for some pregnant teen's baby?" "I can't imagine picking ivy league sperm out of a catalogue to defrost and squirt." "You don't want to adopt, you don't want a donor and yet you're sure that you wanted a baby." "It isn't just about being a mother, like you said last week." "You also wanted to have the perfect picture." "I kept waiting to meet the right guy but it... he didn't show up." "Or more likely" "I pushed him away." "And now no man and no kid." "I don't want to talk about this." "Let's switch to the weather." "It was a really cold weekend, wasn't it?" "Actually, it was surprisingly warm." "Did you stay inside?" "Did you call anybody?" "You could've called me." "You're still in mourning and you were away over the weekend anyway, right?" "Mia, something like this... you call me." "Actually, I did talk to someone." "Believe it or not," "I spoke to my mother." "I'd certainly like to hear about that." "Do you think we could talk about it inside?" "What is it with therapists?" "You hear the word "mother" and these bells go off?" "Pretty much." "It's... it's part of the training." "So would you like to tell me about the conversation you had with your mother?" "Cara, one of my nieces, gave a piano recital on saturday, and when my mother saw that I wasn't there she called to see if I was okay." "Your mother and" " not your father?" " Right." "I haven't heard from him in a while." "Anyway, my mother is the queen of protocol and I had missed a family event." "This... it was Cara playing Chopin, and I have been paying for her lessons." "I told my sisters that if any of the girls wanted music lessons that I would treat." "I mean, what is the money for?" "I defend some pretty questionable doctors present company excluded... and how many pairs of high heels do I need?" "Is that because you want to make sure that music isn't taken away from them in the way that it was for you?" "Playing piano was... the one thing that always made me feel happy." "Anyway, I didn't answer the phone, so she left a message." "And then later that afternoon she showed up at my apartment with a platter of pierogis." "Maybe she was concerned for you." "Well, there's always a first time, right?" "So how did it go?" "I was still in my pyjamas." "She took one look at me, the heating pad, the tylenol, the tissues in front of me and she said, "do you have the flu?"" "And I shook my head no." "I started to cry and she got it." "And she said "maybe that's nature's way."" "I don't know when I last cried in front of her or when she's last hugged me." "And then she heated up the food, set the table nicely, poured us some nalewka." "What's that?" "It's a cherry-infused vodka." "It's a traditional drink." "Anyway, she tried to make a consolation toast." "She said "to better days..."" "And then she told me that she was proud of me." "Well, maybe she was." "She said that I should be grateful for what I have." "My independence, my career, this interesting life I'm leading." "It sounds like some of the things that she might have wanted for herself." "Well, I snapped at her." "I said, "that's kind of a strange toast considering you've always blamed me for ruing your modeling career."" "Did you tell her that?" "Well, you won't believe what she said." "She said that she didn't really have much of a career." "She wasn't that pretty and that she never would have risen above her job as an underwear model," "which is not what I grew up hearing." "Right, her mantra." "Her false mantra." "The same lie over and over until everyone accepts that it's true, especially me, the one that she loves to blame." "Did you ask her why she did that?" "My mother said that it was..." "Kind of her cover story..." "That having me didn't ruin her looks." "It destroyed her mind." "She said that after I was born, she lost it." "She couldn't get out of bed, she didn't want to eat." "She said she stayed in her room because she was afraid that if she left it, she would kill herself," "and that there was some small, sane part of her that didn't want to do that to me." "{You know}there are some mothers who get so depressed that they lose sight of even that." "So where was your father during all of this?" "She said he just moved into the living room." "He didn't try to get her professional help?" "Are you kidding?" "He was first generation." "He would've been mortified to ask someone for help, to admit that his wife was crazy." "So he took care of you during this time?" "He did everything." "He had too." "She didn't even want to breastfeed." "So, really, you weren't mothered for over a year." "When she came out of it somehow she did, she said she had this rush of feeling" "and that she wanted to be close to me, but by then my dad and I were just inseparable..." "I think the word she used was" ""impenetrable"" "that my father had never forgiven her and that he used our closeness to show her how she'd failed." "She said that she was so guilt-ridden that she thought she didn't deserve me, and so she just" "kept away." "That's quite an admission." "That must've given you a lot to take in about both your parents." "Yeah, I guess." "Do you think her depression might also explain why she didn't get pregnant again for 10 years?" "No." "She talked about that too." "The twins the cherished twins they were an accident." "She said that she was terrified when she found out that she was pregnant again and that she asked my father" "to hire a sitter so someone would take care of us if she couldn't." "And according to her, he said no." "That he couldn't afford it." "And she insisted that it was his idea to send me out to his sister's out in new jersey." " And you don't believe her?" " Of course not." "My father adored me." "She also said that I was wrong about him coming out to visit me every sunday, that I must've made that up, because they came together once a month." " That's not possible." " Actually, mia, it is..." "Because it's entirely possible you airbrushed her out of your memories of that time." "Sometimes the need to protect one parent is so strong a child puts all the blame on the other." "No, you're getting this wrong." "She, she is the one who blamed me." "Until saturday, when she came to you with what sounds like an unburdening." "I'm wondering what that must've been like for you to hear." "It made me furious and if I hadn't been sick, I would have thrown her out." "Do you know what it was that made you so angry?" "She spent my whole life telling me that I ruined her life, and now she changes her mind when I'm vulnerable, when I've cried in her arms." "Well, maybe feeling you cry in her arms is what made her open up." "What kind of timing is that?" "What does she expect?" "That's a good question." "What do you think she expected?" "Why are we examining her motives?" "I'm fucking here because of her fucked-up motives." "She wanted me to let her off the hook." ""Bless me, my daughter, for I have sinned."" "I'm supposed to listen until she's finished and grant absolution?" "What's the matter?" "You look horrified." "What, I'm back to monster Mia here?" "No no no no no, I understand your anger." "She didn't take care of you, she lied, she was never there for you, then suddenly she wants to be close." "Why..." "Did she give up?" "Okay, she was sick for a year, but after that..." "Why didn't she fight harder to be my mother?" "How, how come nobody sticks by me?" "But she did say that she tried but that there was something impenetrable about your father's bond with you." " Why are you taking her side?" " I'm not trying to take her side." "All I'm suggesting is that it may not be as black and white as you rember it." "It's black and black." "She manipulated me one way for my entire life and now she wants to manipulate me the other way" " to get rid of her guilt." " That might be true, but it's also possible, perhaps in her own clumsy way, that your mother was trying to reach out." "She saw that you were in cris, in some way like her own crisis... there you were in pajamas, you were depressed, it was related to a pregnancy and she recognized it right away." "She was trying to help." "So once again," "I had a chance at intimacy and I screwed it up." "I pushed her away." "Is that your point?" "God damn it." "Just stop all the therapy and tell me what you think." "Your mother tells you all these things and you get angry." "What about your father?" "I felt bad for him." "His wife gives birth, he wants to celebrate and she's ready to jump out the window?" "Plus he has a crying, hungry infant to take care of." "He has to be both the mother and the father, so good for him." "Has it ever occurred to you he might have colluded in the lie that she told?" "You just said it: she told the lie." "But he never corrected it." "Why do you think that is, Mia?" "He was helping her save face." "For 43 years?" "Can't you accept that he was a good father?" "Nobody in therapy has a good dad?" "A good dad who shipped a 10-year-old girl off to New Jersey rather than pay for a babysitter?" "There had to be a way to keep you at home." "I mean, families find a way of working things out." "Well, she's probably lying about all that too." "She could be, but let's just take her at her word for a moment." "What that means is that you have to reevaluate who your parents are and what they did." "Maybe your father wasn't the ideal man that you thought." "And maybe your mother was actually trying to connect with you." "What's going on here?" "She decides to rewrite history and you just go along with it?" "Well, sometimes we find it easier" " to hold on to the fiction." " It's not fiction, Paul." "I'm telling you my mother was never there for me and my father always was." "That's your mantra, Mia, and maybe it's as false as your mother's." "Look at the way you defend it, how angry you get if I challenge it." "I ask you to see your parents in a different light..." "I just ask you to do that..." "and you go on the attack." "You accuse me of taking sides." "Maybe I just don't like it when you blame him for everything." "I need a break." "Shit." " Sorry." " That's okay." "It's not about blame, Mia." "What I'm asking you to do is more complex than that." "I want you to question the way that you have thought about your parents for most of your life." "Oh, is that all?" "I know it isn't easy, but I can tell you from personal experience..." "It's better to do it when your parents are still alive." "My whole life I had this..." "Distorted image of who my parents were." "And I didn't want to let that go." "I fought against it, and then finally I did, and it was too late." "My father was... he was gone." "And that was... a huge loss." "I've had enough loss this week." "I know, but, Mia, if you don't go through this, you're gonna stay where you are, you're gonna keep punishing the men in your life for not being what you need..." " men like Bennett." " Bennett was an asshole." "Or like me." "You blamed me for the abortion, but wasn't it your father who arranged it?" "He was just supporting me." "Or maybe he was, once again, trying to hold on too tight, to keep you as his little girl." "No." "No, the abortion was my idea." "I told you that last week." "You said you haven't heard from him lately, even though he must've known you were sick." "He was... he was always there when I was a girl." "Was he?" "How about your piano?" "You said it was the one thing that always made you happy." "Did you mother talk about what happened to it?" "She said that he sold it." "He said with two babies in the house there was enough noise." "Let me ask you something:" "what would happen if you believed her?" "If you actually let yourself feel the hurt and the anger that you might have buried for this perfect dad?" "I can't do this, Paul." "Okay?" "Not today, not this week." "You know, maybe this is the perfect time." "This is a week that's been filled with loss." "You mother comes and she gives you..." "A new family history." "The picture you've had of them is just torn up and thrown away." "And earlier in the week you lost your own child, the baby that you wanted for so long." "That new family also just taken away." "That's not quite true." "On saturday my mother insisted on calling her doctor, and he had us meet him at his office in greenpoint on a saturday night." "He's the same doctor who delivered the twins." "Hadn't you already seen your doctor?" "I called on friday." "My park avenue obgyn said, you know, wait it out and to call him if the pain got much worse." "My mom drove us to brooklyn and there was old dr." "Solomon, sitting behind his desk." "He did some tests and he told me that... that I hadn't lost the baby because I wasn't ever pregnant." "I told him about my f. s. h. level and he said that I probably never would be pregnant." "And then he went on." "He said that..." "He sees this kind of thing once a week:" "women like me... successful, no children, my age and older... who come in just convinced that they're pregnant." "And he has to tell them that they're... they're not." "So..." "So you hadn't done a test before that." "No." " why not?" " I don't know." "I thought I would wait." "I had an appointment for this week to see my doctor and I was just so sure." "But I had it wrong and you have it wrong." "I don't have to grieve for a child that I never had." "Mia, last week you... you talked about the..." "the new life that... that you felt inside you." "It wasn't there." "But in a way it was." "The strength of that desire to... to create new life." "It's almost 7:45." "Is it too early to get drunk?" "Who knows?" "I could get lucky and... meet another married man at the bar." "I'm gonna go." "Will you please call me during the week?" "Call you?" "I want to know how you are."