"# 0ne two, Middlesboogie #" "(Dance music drowns chatter)" "Tim, Tim." "Tim!" "# Na na na-na na na na na #" "( # Choral music)" "( # Dramatic Latin chorus )" "(Phone )" "(Beep )" "(Woman sings ) # Happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday, dear Daisy, happy birthday to you #" "'Happy birthday, darling." "I thought I'd catch you." "'It's such a shame I won't see you 'but I'm really hoping you'll come to Auntie Irene's 40th." "'It'll probably be the 15th now. 0h, no." "'The 23rd of this month." "'Not this month now, this month coming." "So...next month." "'So let me know." "Aunt Susie's out of hospital, such a relief." " 'It was going to be today...' - (Colin yelps )" "'..and it was yesterday, I thought you'd want to know.'" "(Sighing)" "# Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday" "# Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you" "# Happy birthday #" "Thank you very much." "For what?" "For my birthday song." "0h, is it your birthday?" "How are you feeling this morning?" "Very rough, actually." "I swear to God I will never drink again until lunchtime." " Very wise." " Hmm." "So how does it feel to be 26?" " Bit gassy." " Well, getting old." "You'd be dead in four years, if this was Logan's Run." " That'd be terrible." " I'd look a twat in a jumpsuit." "Don't say that." "That's a word that hates women." " Twat?" " No, jumpsuit." "Aaaah!" "Look. 0h, my God!" "What's in the fridge?" "# Wooooooo #" "(Screams ) 0h, no!" "(Mumbles )" "(Sighs )" " Don't you like it?" " I love it." " Is that me?" " Yeah." "Anyway, happy birthday, pickle." "I'm gonna do a wee." "Hi." "0h, God." "Hi, Sophie." "I forgot you were here." "Happy birthday." "Thanks." "So, you got anything special planned?" "I think we're going out for dinner," " you know." " That'll be nice." "Yeah." "I mean you can (Mumbled) come if you want." "0h, thanks." "Yeah, I'd love to." "That'd be great." "0h." "Ahem." "Good." "Daisy's invited me to the meal this evening." " That'll be cool." " Yeah." "I'm sure Marsha won't get suspicious." " I don't want to cause trouble." " You're not." " I don't know why we don't tell her." " What are you gonna say?" ""By the way, we're not really a couple." ""We lied to you for a year so we could rent your flat."" " We're evil." " You did what you had to," " you shouldn't feel bad." " We don't." "( # Choral voices )" " (Tim ) Come on, you." " Where you off to?" "I'm gonna walk Sophie to the Tube." "Ah, that's sweet." "It is, isn't it?" "Yeah." " Bye." " Bye." "See you later, Daisy." "Happy birthday." "Bye, Sophie." "Bye-bye." "What a bitch." "(Giggling)" "( # Dramatic choral music)" "I've got this really cool surprise birthday cake for Daisy in the shape of a typewriter." " Cool." " I've been scheming for weeks." "I met this baker at Strawberry Sundae." "We danced for five hours then had an involved discussion about pasties." "And anyway, he's doing me a deal." " You're sweet to Daisy." " I am, aren't I?" " Yeah." " Well, I'm a sweet guy." " You're a stupid cock." " Ah, well." "Thanks." "Just relax." "( # Dramatic choral music)" " Hi." " Where were you?" " When?" " This morning." "I was in bed." "Why was today important to me, Tim?" "Being promoted to sergeant next week," " don't forget." " I won't." "Being promoted to sergeant Saturday," " don't forget." " I won't." " (Children laugh)" " What was that?" "I'm being promoted tomorrow," " don't forget." " I won't!" "Er, yeah." "I forgot." " You forgot." " Sorry." " I thought you were my friend." " I am." "I wanted you to see me get my stripes." "What can I say?" "I'm sorry." " It's her." " What?" "Sophie." "You've only been with her two weeks and I'm yesterday's news." "It wasn't this bad when you were with Sarah." "Mike, you will always be my number one." "Why are you treating me like a number two?" "(Laughs )" "It's been a long time since I've had a Sophie in my life." "I'm just excited." "You are my longest-serving friend." "We've done everything together." "0r have you forgotten the good times?" "(Shouting)" "No, of course not." "We were supposed to go ghost-hunting last week." " I know." " Where were you?" "(Shouting)" "I can't remember." "Well, I'm glad you're happy with your new girlfriend." "Don't forget whose shoulder you cried on" " when you got dumped." " I won't." "0r when Johnny Alpha got killed by that monster in 2000AD." "Mike, I won't." "(Tim ) Here's Mike." " Mike, do your eagle eyes." " Don't!" "You hurt him, I'll kill you." "Did he mean that?" "(Laughs )" "Yeah." "(Marsha ) Knock, knock, knock." "Hello, birthday girl." "Hello, Marsha." "How's it going?" "I'm fine, how are you?" "0h, I'm fine. 26." "Happy birthday, darling." "Are you missing Amber?" "0h, yeah." "Yeah." "Many 'appy returns, darling." "0h, what can it be?" "I thought you might put some make-up on tonight." "Doll yourself up a bit." "I don't wear much normally, but... 0ooh!" "Rude Red." "Right, well I best go off to Threshers, do the weekly shop." "You still up for a night of unadulterated fun?" "Adultery?" "Are you still coming out tonight?" "0h, yeah." "Right." "I'll see you later." "(Phone )" "Hello." "Hi, Daisy." "It's me." "Hello, Twist." "It's nice to speak to you." "I feel I haven't seen you in ages." "You were at my birthday thing last night." "0h, yes." "That was you, wasn't it?" "'Look, do you wanna come shopping?" "'" "Um, I'd love to but I haven't got any money." "0h, I don't need any." "Will you meet me?" " Where are you?" " 0n your street." " All right, Twist." " Hi, Tim." "What are you doing on my street?" "I can't explain." "Just come and meet me." "(Dialling tone )" "All right, well." "Just give me a mo'." "(Marsha ) 0i!" "Hi, Marsha." "I know what you're up to." "Did Mike tell you?" "Does he know?" "I had to tell somebody." "You are a very bad man." "What?" "She loves you, that girl." " Who does?" " Daisy." " Does she?" " Course she does." " Did she say that?" " No!" "But it's obvious, innit?" "(Squeaks ) Yeah." "Course." "She's my girlfriend." "Yeah, well you better tell her, Tim." "Cos if you don't, I will." "But you'll spoil the surprise." "You bastard." " Marsha!" " (Thud and crashing)" "Brian?" "Brian?" "(Smashing continues )" "Brian?" " I've finished with Brian." " 0h. 0h." "0h, my God." "Are you all right?" "What about?" "About..." "How's Brian taking it?" "Brian, no!" "0h, God!" "Why?" "This is new!" "Sorry, I didn't see you." " What are you doing?" " Expressing myself." " By chucking paint around?" " Yes." "What's the matter with you?" "Broken up with Twist." "0h, shit." "Really?" "What happened?" "Sex, sex, sex." "That's all it ever was." " I wanted something else." " So, you're single." "I'm tired of our endless clashing." " What, your outfits?" " Daisy!" "I am not that shallow." "She's shallow, Brian." "She's like..." "Cordelia out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and latterly Angel, the spin-off series set in LA." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Brian!" "You're such a square." " Think she'll come tonight?" " She is Daisy's best friend." "You've just got to be strong, man." " I know." " You're gonna be fine." "After a long time thinking you won't be, one morning you'll wake up and you will be." "You'll miss the fact you're not cos it's scarier when you are." "When you're not, you've got something to cling to." "Then you're gonna be fine, all right?" "Feeling better?" "Does that feel better?" "Hmm." "Is Brian coming tonight?" "Yes." "But he is my friend, Twist." "I suppose so." "Well, at least we'll see more of each other." "Yeah, I hadn't really thought of that." "Hey, why don't you try something on?" "You always wear that shantytown look and it's really quite last-century." "I quite like the way I dress." "Shh." "Listen." "There's nothing wrong with looking nice, Daisy." "You're not betraying the sisterhood just by brushing your hair once in a while, hmm?" "I just doubt there's anything in here I could get above my knees." "Go on, it's your birthday." "(Daisy's mum ) 'Did I update you on the Susie situation?" "'Well, far be it from me to spread gossip, 'but apparently her GP is having an affair 'with that woman at the dentist." " 'Anyway, apparently...'" " Mum, hi." "'Hello, love." "I didn't think you were in.'" " No, I've been out." " 'Since 9 this morning?" "'" "Er, yeah." "Yeah." "You know me - go, go, go." "'Well, I've got a lot to tell you and you never phone me." " 'Happy birthday, dumpling.'" " Thanks." " 'I've got some great news.'" " What?" "'Your Auntie Caroline called." "'She said a vacancy has come up for a features correspondent." "'She's going to send you all the bumph about it." "'That's nice, isn't it?" "'And the best thing, it's the Colwyn Bay Gazette!" "'That'd be right up your street, wouldn't it?" "'" "Yeah." "Yeah." "'Are you and Tim doing anything nice today?" "'" "Um, we're just going out for a meal." "'Just the two of you?" "'" "No, no." "Us and a few...friends." "'Well, you must be looking forward to it.'" "Yeah." "# He used to give me roses" "# I wish he could again" "# But that was on the outside" "# And things were different then # 0n the inside the sun still shines" "# And the rain falls down" "# And the sun and rain are prisoners, too" "# When morning comes around #" "( # Frenetic, jazzy music)" "Hit me." "(Twist) 'There's nothing wrong with looking nice.'" "(Marsha ) 'Thought you might put some make-up on tonight." "(Twist) 'You're not betraying the sisterhood 'just by brushing your hair.'" "(Marsha ) 'Doll yourself up a bit.' (Daisy ) 'Rude Red.'" "(Marsha ) 'Put some make-up on.'" "(Echoes ) 'Put some make up on.'" "(Music speeds up, voices become confused)" "(Mumbles )" "0h, God." "(Sighs ) 0h, shit." "(Sighs )" "Right." "( # Spanish guitar)" "Hi." "Sorry, we're..." "I'm late." "It was, you know." "Delayed at the office?" "I had to pop in, yeah." "I bet you did." " Right." "Shall I get some drinks?" " A treble vodka, please." " Brian?" " Um..." " (Marsha ) Bottle of red." " How many glasses?" " One." " 0K." "Bitter, Mike?" "No, are you?" " Would you like a pint of bitter?" " 0h." "Yeah." "Soph...ie?" "Bourbon, Tim." "Straight up." "(Chuckles )" "# I may not be a lady #" "Wow!" "# But I'm all woman" "# From Monday to Sunday" "# I work harder than you know" "# I'm no... #" "(Music dies out)" "Woo." "Phew." "Hi, Daisy, how you going?" "Drink?" "Yes, please." "I'll have a Bloody Mary." "Thanks." " You look nice, Daisy." " Thanks." "I wish I could dress down like that." " (Tim ) He's gonna come over." " 0K." " Hello." "You all right?" " Yes." "(Tim ) Right, shall we?" "Yes." "Merci." "( # Spanish guitar)" " Are you going to..." " Yes." "We're just going to the loo." "I can't believe you brought her here." "I thought it was quite nice." "So are you gonna tell her?" "Marsha, what is your problem?" "I'll tell her, then." "Why do you want to spoil her birthday?" "Every second you leave it, it'll make it more painful for her." " What?" " I'm telling her." " Don't!" " I will." "If anyone tells her, I will." " You won't." " No!" "What's up?" " Tim's having an affair." " I got you a birthday cake." "What?" "Tim is having an affair with her." " What?" " I seen 'em snogging in the front garden." " No." "Marsha, it's not like that." " What d'you mean?" "No, it is like that and I'm sorry, Daisy, but she means nothing to me." " It's not.." " I think we should tell her." " Tell me what?" " She's in shock." " I'm not." " You are." " I'm drunk..." " Daisy." " ..but I'm lucid." " Please." " It's OK." " What's going on?" "I should go." "Sophie." "Marsha... we're not really... a couple." "You what?" "We're not..." "We're not really a couple." "Phew." "It's actually a relief to say it!" "The thing is, we had to say we were, in order to get the flat, but the truth is, that we lied." "You lied?" "Yeah, but we were desperate." "We didn't think about the consequences." "(Sighs ) We didn't mean to hurt you." "We just..." "It was like, the longer we left it..." "You lied?" " Marsha..." " Why?" "The advert said "professional couple only"." " No, it didn't." " It did." "I remember." "The bloke was a prick." "I don't think he was listening to me." "Yeah." "Yeah." "(Phones )" " Dave." " Can you hold on, please?" "Hello, you." "Two-bedroomed, fully furnished, Streatham, £350 a week." "Could you do that?" "I'm going to lunch." "You bet you." "0h, it's professional couple only." "Sounds nice." "(Echoes ) 'Professional couple only." "'Professional couple only.'" "Sorry about that, Mrs Klein." "Is that everything?" "Great." "That'll go in tomorrow." "I can't believe you lied all this time." "I bought you a present for your anniversary!" "Both of 'em." "(Sighs ) I'm sorry." " 0h!" " Look, Marsha." "Please." "Just understand." "We weren't being malicious." "We didn't have a choice." "We really like that flat." "That was supposed to sound nice." "I suppose you lot all knew about this." "You must think I'm a complete idiot." "(All) No!" "Don't be angry." "How d'you want me to be, Daisy?" "I just found out my new little group of young friends has been taking the piss." " Marsha." " No, Brian." "I'm leaving." " Where are you going?" " Just away from you lot." "(All sighing)" "I really think I should go." " Sophie." " No, look, Tim." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Bye." "Nice one, Daisy." "I wasn't the one snogging my supposedly secret girlfriend in the front garden." "Tim doesn't think about anyone else" " when he's with Sophie." " Stay out of this." "It's got nothing to do with you." "It's got everything to do with me." "I live in that house." "I'll have to live with my mum because of you." "Because of me?" "I'm not the one who told her!" "You could have kept your tongue in your mouth!" "I think we're all to blame in a way." "0h, thank you very much, Mrs Magnanimous." "Fine time to grow a fucking conscience!" "Are you letting him speak to me like that?" " Yes!" " What?" "I'm not an accessory to pick up when you need me." "Good time to start getting emotionally articulate." " Don't lay into Brian!" " I'm not!" "I can't believe you after all we've..." " It's your fault." " Shut up!" " Did you see her face?" " Say something!" " Shut up!" " Why did you bring her?" "(All shouting)" "(Tim ) You are so stupid, Daisy!" "# Happy birthday, dear Daisy" "# Happy birthday to you #" "( # Male singer starts )" "( # Spanish guitar)" "(Flamenco foot-tapping)" "Tim!" "You know I'm allergic to wheat." "(Both) 0h, fuck off." "(Screams )" " Grow up." " You grow up." "( # Flamenco stops )" "(Dramatic minor chord on piano )" "Well, the way I see it, we have two choices." "We can call the police, or you can clear up this mess yourselves." "Who votes for clearing up?" "Who votes for police?" "Clearing up it is, yeah." "Good." "I'll get the mop, shall I?" "I'm going home." "Happy birthday, Daisy." " What are we gonna do?" " We could go clubbing." "I mean about Marsha." "We've destroyed her faith in the integrity of today's youth." "Young adults." "We've gotta pull together or else we're gonna lose everything." " So that's settled." " Clubbing it is!" "Brian and Mike have gone to look for her." "There's a hundred off-licences in this area." "She could be in any one of them." "Yeah, well." "They might get lucky." "We should stay here in case she comes back." " OK." " Look, Daisy." "Don't worry." "We'll sort this out." "We always do." "I don't know." "This feels different." "Serious." "We've had some good times here though, haven't we?" "Yeah." " Happy days." " Yeah." "(Mike on walkie ) 'We'll be off then, Tim.'" "OK." "If we find Marsha, we'll contact you." "Um, yeah." "We'll find her, Daisy." "Promise you." "We'll see you at the rendezvous." "(Rumbling through radio )" "(Yawns ) 0K, Tim." "Good luck." "( # Star Wars theme )"