"I feel sorry for the books up there." "I'm going back to training next week for the Olympics, and if you try to stop me, you will never see me again." "Right, you'll go to your father's." "Only he's in Miami photographing supermodels, no one can get a hold of him." "He doesn't know she was in the hospital." " Shut up!" " He hasn't called her in over a month." "Why didn't you tell me that your father didn't know you tried to kill yourself?" "I have to go." " What about our agreement?" " Let's talk about it next week." "We won't talk about it next week." "What about our agreement?" "I won't try and kill myself as long as I'm in therapy." " Yes?" " Afternoon." "$12 please." " For what?" " Pizza." "A pizza?" "I didn't order a pizza." " There's another entrance to the house?" " I'm sure nobody ordered a pizza." "Okay, buddy." "Just give me a second." "Candy?" "Can you check the street number on the Robinson street order?" "Yeah, it's... 848 Robinson." "Yeah, but the John claims he didn't order a pie." "You know what?" "Let me take it." "I think I know who it's for." " You know what?" "He's gonna take it." " What?" "Suddenly he did order it?" " Ask him what's on it." " You gotta tell me what's on it first." "I can't just hand over another man's pizza." "It's..." " Cheese." " And...?" "And..." "And it's deep-dish." " Yeah, it's deep-dish, yeah." " Oh, yeah." " How much is that?" " It's $12." "Thanks." " And... here you go." " Oh, thank you." " For you." " Thanks a lot." "Take care." "Bye." "Want some?" "No, I'm okay, thanks." "I was on the bus and I realized I haven't had anything to eat." "So I sent a text message to Google from my phone, they sent me back the number of this place near you." "Google can do that?" "Google can do anything." "You sure you don't want some?" "I think this place is totally organic." "No." "Honestly, I'm sure." "I had lunch already." " How is it?" " It's all right." "Not the best, but I have to eat." "I need the calories." "How was your week?" "Good, thanks." "So you're in a good mood?" "I think so." "Do my moods worry you?" "You were a little grumpy last week." "You sort of ate me alive." "There were a couple of points that I really wanted to make clear." "And if I came across as impatient or abrupt," "I apologize." "Apology accepted." "Were you having a bad week?" "Yeah." "And..." "Maybe some of that spilled over into this room." "It happens sometimes." "I wish it didn't." "Relax, I can take it." "Plus I like that side of you." "Which side?" "The no-bullshit side." "What did you mean when you said "I need the calories"?" "I've lost some weight." "When you go back into training with weights and stuff," "As you build up muscle, you're supposed to gain weight because muscle weighs more than fat." "I didn't know." "When I'm not here, do you just bury your head under a rock or something?" "So these pounds that I've put on, they could be muscle, really." "Do you go to the gym?" "Occasionally." "You have to do it consistently if you wanna see results." "Every day." "Weights and cardio." "No pain, no gain, guy." " You're right." " You can't see muscle if it's buried under fat, so you have to reduce your sugar and carb intake." "Okay, coach." " Sorry." " No, I appreciate the tip, thanks." "Anyway," "If you build muscle, you'll gain weight," "Unless of course you're a physiological freak like me." "Since I've started lifting weights I've lost two pounds," "Which is like anatomically impossible." "Now Cy won't let me lift until I gain it back." "It's bullshit, really." "He was like, "you have to make sure that you eat protein" ""after every session, and you have to make sure that your fat-carb ratio,"" "blah blah blah..." "He weighed me two days ago." "I don't know how, but I lost another pound." "Can I eat here?" "Sorry?" "I never asked if it was okay for me to eat here." " Sure, of course it is." " I know you've all these rules." "I wasn't sure if there was one about food." "What are my rules?" "Well..." "We made a no-suicide rule last week." "I think that was more of a pact, but..." "If it was a pact, we'd be drinking poisoned Kool-Aid together." "And when I had the cast, you had that rule about not undressing me." "I don't know that's so much a rule." "I felt that was inappropriate." "So there are no rules." "I can do whatever I want?" "No, that's not what I said," "But you can definitely eat." "It makes me happy to see you eat, with gusto." "A lot of gusto, actually." " What happened?" " I'm done." "I don't want anymore." "It's a bit disgusting." " I thought you said it was good." " I said it was okay." "I'm not hungry anymore." "I had half a slice." "What do you want me to do?" "Finish the whole thing?" "Who could finish a whole slice of pizza?" "Lots of people who could finish." "Fat people." "Do you know what gusto means?" "Of course, it means..." "It means it's how fat people eat." "With gusto." "Did you know a fat person who ate with gusto?" "Not exactly." "Why are you smiling?" "My father had this girlfriend..." "A model." "She hardly spoke English and he didn't speak Italian." "It was ridiculous." "She used to turn up at his apartment with bags of chocolate." "She kept trying to force-feed me." "When I wouldn't do it, she told my dad I was anorexic." "She went around the house pointing to me and saying," ""I am so worried for her." ""She has no gusto for eating."" "Meanwhile she's stuffing her bony ass like a pig and never gaining any weight." "She was a total Mia." "My dad never saw it." "What?" "You can say it." "I've heard it a thousand times before." "You think I have an eating disorder." "Why can't anybody understand?" "This is just the way I'm built." "I don't get hungry." "I can go a whole day and never get hungry." "It doesn't mean I'm anorexic." "I'm an Olympic hopeful, for God's sakes." "I know what my body is and isn't capable of." "I know my body better at 16 than regular people ever will." "Never saw her again." "She starved to death hopefully." "I don't know." "He never stayed with any of them for very long." "And when she told him that she thought that you had an eating disorder, did he take her seriously?" " I don't know." " Did he try to get you to eat more?" "He likes me for myself," "And he loves how I look." "He said if the whole gymnastics thing doesn't work out," "He can get me a job as a model..." "Like that." "So how do you feel about your weight?" "I love it." "I like being light and thin." "I like feeling I could just slip away through a crack in the door if I had to." "Can you think of a time when you used your... lightness, as you call it, to slip away?" "I'm describing a feeling." "Don't be so literal." "Okay." "Fair enough." "Can you think of a time then when you thought," ""I wish I could just slip away"?" "How about right now?" "That party where the boy took you into the..." "Into the bedroom." "Didn't you want to slip away then?" "I was trashed." " You don't get it." " What don't I get?" "The slipping away thing." "It's a girl thing," "The wanting to be liked." "To be there, but not to be there." "It's like..." " Can we talk about something else?" " Finish the thought." "I wanna talk about something else." "What would you like to talk about then?" "How's your daughter?" "Rosie?" "She's..." "She's fine, thank you." "Is she still with that fucked-up guy?" "Do you really want to talk about my daughter or are you just trying to make me uncomfortable?" "I don't wanna talk about her if you don't." "Why wouldn't I?" "You never mention her." "After you left last week, I couldn't help thinking, about how you didn't tell me that your dad was in Miami." "We're back to that?" "So he still doesn't know about your attempted suicide?" "I don't wanna talk about this." "Is it something you wanna keep a secret from him?" "It's not a fucking secret!" "How can it be a secret if that's all you and my mom and everyone else can talk about?" "What are you thinking about?" "Nothing." "I've a test tomorrow I have to study for and I missed my dentist appointment today, so I have to reschedule that." "I think you're running away." "What?" "In your mind, you're planning your schedule." "We get close to something that feels dangerous to you," "And what do you do?" "You retreat." "I'm not retreating." "I'm stressed about the exam, I think I have a cavity, and I have a stomachache from that fucking pizza." "What a mistake that was." "I have a theory about that pizza." "Surprise, surprise." "Would you like to hear it?" " Do I have a choice?" " Yeah." "You always have a choice." "What's your theory?" "I think that you were enjoying that pizza." "Until I said something that reminded you of something your father's girlfriend used to say to you." "I used the word gusto." "Are you saying I'm fucked up about food because of something my father's girlfriend said?" "Are you fucked up about food?" "Isn't everybody?" "What does food mean to you?" " What do you mean?" " Is it nutrition, is it enjoyment?" "What?" "It's the enemy." "It's just what happens to gymnasts." "Why didn't you tell me your father was in Miami?" " Why was it a secret?" " It's not a fucking secret." "I just don't think I need to bother him with every boring detail of my life." "Your attempted suicide is a boring detail?" "It's not a suicide attempt." "I was just testing." "Remember?" "Somebody around here had that theory, I think." "Yeah, that rings a bell." "He'd put it together and decide that it's all your fault." "He already thinks you're a quack, remember?" "It's better for you if he doesn't know." "He'll never let me come back here." "Better for you or for me?" "Which of us would have to stay away from therapy, do you think?" "If he knew, he'd be devastated." "He is the most important person to me in this whole world." "I don't ever wanna hurt him." "Why can't you just let it go?" "Forget it." "This is such a waste of time." "You tried to kill yourself." "And you don't want to tell the most important person in your world?" "He has a life!" "Somebody has to." "We can't all go around like walking corpses." "It's not his fault that I took those pills!" "I'm not saying it is his fault, I'm just trying to figure out why you were so ready to leave the planet and not tell him." "What's up your ass?" " Are you angry at him for something?" " I'm not angry at him." " Are you hiding something from me?" " Get off my back!" "Are we done?" "We have a little time left." "What?" "You've never wanted to end a session early before." "In our first session you mentioned those books up there." "I thought it was because you identified with them." "You said they were... cold and lonely on the top shelf." "And then I looked at them more closely and I realized that one of them has... some of your father's photographs in it." "You said that your dad loves the way that you look." "And that... if you weren't a gymnast, that you could be a model." "I guess models are the people that he..." "That he chooses to surround himself with, the people he likes." "They're the people he fucks." "I wouldn't say he likes them." "I know that in our culture thin models... are sexualized, but I've always found that really strange, because in classical art and literature, eating is often used as a metaphor for sex." "They both conjure up desire, hunger, cravings inside us." "Where are you going, Sophie?" "Sophie, try to stay here, please." "Try not to disappear." "Eat shit, Paul." "Why are you doing this?" "I thought you were trying to help." "Why does the book provoke such a strong reaction in you?" "What you're doing is sick." "It's fucking sick!" "It's perverted." " I'll never forgive you for this." " Why?" "Because I'm making you uncomfortable?" "I'm asking you to think about things that you don't want to talk about." "If I wanted to talk about my father's book," "I would have told you, it was right there." "What about all that crap about a patient deciding what we talk about?" "That you take things at my speed, that I control the wheels and all that?" "You're so full of shit." "But you have been driving what we talk about here." "You may not realize it, but you have." "The very first thing that you wanted to talk about were those books up there." "What are you saying?" "That you jerk off to my father's photographs?" "That you open up that book and jerk off all over those sluts?" "You keep suggesting somebody is abusing me." "You're abusing me!" "That's what you people love most of all, isn't it?" "A good mindfuck." "To take the one good thing in somebody's life and somehow fuck it up!" "Just like my father said." "Shut the fuck up about him!" "How could you?" "How could you?" "You're just like everybody else!" "Like who, Sophie?" "Please, don't go." "Why did you do that?" "You mean why did I take the book down?" "Because I had to." "I had to put the book on the table." "And there was really no graceful way of doing it." "I think this book is connected to your wound." "And opening a wound, Sophie... is frightening." "It's painful." "And it's ugly." "You implied that I'd been sexually abused." "Is that what you heard?" "I never said anything like that." "This book with the... with the naked models." "You wanted me to see that." "You know what I think?" "I think you're angry." "I think you've got great anger towards your father." "You said earlier on that you wished that you could slip through the cracks when you wanted to, but you don't do that when you're in trouble." "Not really." "Your mind tries to, but your body, your body stays here." "You let others do things to you, because you've convinced yourself that..." "That you're not really there." "That it's not happening to you." "That it's not hurting you." "I'm sure this week you'll exercise like a fiend." "And not because you're an Olympic hopeful." "But because I know that after this session, you're gonna want to regain control." "But I want you to remember something, Sophie." "When you go up onto that beam, that's the place where you detach." "That's where you go to feel safe." "All I want you to know is you don't have to go there." "There are other places where you can feel safe." "In here, in this room." "It's one of those places."