"[Theme music]" "ALL: [Singing] We can sing and dance and we don't need pants" "See, we're just like you" "We've got regular jobs, just with low doorknobs" "See, we're just like you" "Yes, we graduate from Harvard" "At the head of my class!" "But if you take sobriety" "I may not pass!" "There's no strings attached and there's no hand up my" "We're just like you!" "GREG:" "We all have our good days and our bad days." "The best day of my life was when the whole fourth grade... started using my catch phrase "Skatchamagowza. "" "Today, it was shaping up to be the best day of Jimmy's life." "[Upbeat rock music]" "[Groans]" "How much longer do I have to keep this dumb thing on my nose?" "Don't worry about how much longer." "Worry about the horror of your clogged pores... when you're my age, if you don't clean them regularly." "Well, can I take it off now?" "Yeah, all right, fine, now." "How does it look?" "BLAH:" "Got to go." "PUPPET:" "What?" "[Exclaims]" " Hi." " Yo." "Jim." "Jim, walk with me." "Guess what the network thought of today's script." "What?" "Nothing." "They didn't get it." "You need to know the whole alphabet to understand the jokes." "They didn't get it." "It wasn't received." "They never got it." "It wasn't delivered." "Any idea why?" "You look pretty today." "Okay, I can't do this today." "My boss, the man who mentored me, went into rehab today." "It's these kind of things that will keep me from getting his job." "JACK:" "Bender." "I've been looking for you." "I've got rattraps to set, I've got knives to sharpen... and these cupcakes aren't going to decorate themselves." "I've got scripts to deliver, and lunches to hand out." "jim:" "I can't do this right now." "JACK:" "Okay." "I guess my gun club can eat the cupcakes plain." " Great." " Damn it, who eats cupcakes plain?" "I don't think you understand how important this is." "In one hour my gun club is voting for a new president." "They're not going to vote for a man with subpar dessert treats." "Not with Clem Vernon in the running." "I've tasted his petit fours." "They are heaven." "WARREN:" "Hey, Jimmy." " How are you doing?" " Actually, I'm not doing too good." "Good, 'cause I need you to run me a little errand." "I want you to scoot over to my house." "In the back yard you'll find dog crap." "When you get there..." "You want me to clean up dog crap off your lawn?" "Of course not." "I want you to take it to the veterinarian to be analyzed." "I want to see if it's from Corey Feldman's dog." " They can test for that?" " No, the former child star is my neighbor." "Besides making second-rate movies and getting in trouble with the law..." "I suspect he's been having his dog mess up my lawn." "So I fed the mutt some raspberries, and if I can find traces of it in his gift..." "I shall put them in a paper bag, light it on fire... and shove it down Corey Feldman's throat." "As fun as that sounds, Warren, I don't have a car." "I'll tell you what." "If you're careful, you can take my Mercedes, Betsy." "You named your car?" "Yes, in tribute to the woman with whom I lost my virginity." "And as I recall, I also paid too much for her." "Jimmy, finish this sentence for me." ""The videotape that was supposed to be in post-production two hours ago is..."" "I don't know." "Here's one for you." ""My dad always asks me mean and condescending questions because..."" "Because you never seem to do your job right." "It's easy, isn't it?" "Where's the tape?" "I'd be lying if I said anything at all." "You've really got to change your attitude." "Let me tell you a little story." "When I was on Donny and Marie... there was a kid who started working there as a production assistant." "He worked his butt off every single day." "Never complained." "Not once." " Do you know who that man is today?" " Who?" "The black guy on Becker." "You know what?" "I've had a very rough day." " Everybody's ordering me around." " I don't care." "jim:" "I'm just trying to explain." "GlL:" "You're not listening." "I don't care." "Here's what I do care about." "Tapes getting to places, lunches getting to people... complainers getting back to work delivering the tapes and the lunches... to the people and the places." "You see, that's your job." "You're the gofer." "Gopher?" "I thought I was the gopher." "Are we getting a new gopher?" "[Gopher pants in panic]" "God, I have to call my agent." "I just bought a Porsche." " Thanks for coming with me, Greg." " No problem." "It's a couple of hours before they shoot my scene... and it seemed like you were in a bad mood." "It's because everybody treats me like dirt, including my own dad." "And the annoying thing is, I'm really trying here." "And it's not like the 12 years of public school, where I said I was trying." "Clearly, I wasn't." "Come on." "Is it worse than fourth grade when the toilet seat fell on your penis?" "It still hurts to think about that, Greg." "Remember, you had to show it to Miss Weiss, the school nurse... and she was, like, 100 years old." "And then she tried to touch it with one of those Popsicle stick things." "Enough, Greg." "God, could it possibly be worse than the eighth grade... when your wrestling coach invited you to his house... and when you got there, he tried to touch your penis... with one of those Popsicle stick things?" "Thanks for those memories, Greg." "[Upbeat rock music]" "Wait here, buddy." "I'll just be a sec." "It's funny." "My job usually involves taking crap." "But today it involves taking crap to the lab." "[Upbeat rock music continues]" "Hi." "Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." "I am so sorry." " It's okay." "It's all right." "Calm down." "I really don't have a good explanation for being here." "You really don't need one." "[Exclaims hesitantly]" "Oh, right." " Turn around." " Right." "AMY:" "I've never done anything like this before." "I pass by here on my way to school every day." "I go to St. Barnabas." "jim:" "You're in high school?" "AMY:" "Yeah." "I was on my way there today, and I thought:" ""ls this really how I want to spend my 18th birthday?"" "jim:" "Happy birthday." "AMY:" "Thanks." "AMY:" "It was so hot out, I thought... it would be wild to skinny-dip in a neighbor's pool." "I guess it was just some kind of fantasy, but you wouldn't understand that." "[Amy clears her throat]" "[Sensual soul music]" "I might." " Wow, this is your house?" " It's one of them." "So, you're Warren Demontague?" "Yes, I am." "I'm Warren Demontague." "That's me." "I'm Amy." "It's nice to meet you, Warren." "Hey, Jimmy." "Come on, man." "What is taking so long?" "Why do you have all these pictures of a monkey puppet?" "His name is Enrico." "He lives in Ecuador, and I sponsor him." "Can I get you something to eat or drink?" "Wine, beer, cocktails, shots, rum cake?" "I don't usually drink, but as long as I'm being naughty..." "I'll have a double vodka rocks with a splash of tonic and a twist." "[Laughs] Okay." "Vodka." "Where do I keep the vodka?" "There it is." "Boy, am I going to have a lot to confess on Saturday." "Here's hoping." "[Sensual soul music continues]" "A camcorder." "Yeah, I'm an amateur filmmaker." "It's fun to just videotape yourself doing crazy things." "Mommy." "Baby Warren is a dirty little monkey." "[Jim laughing uncomfortably]" "I think it's time I had a breastfeed." "WOMAN:" "That's another $50." "All right, you'll get your money... but for that kind of scratch, I want a spanking." "It's a video letter from Enrico." "I like to see where my dollars are going." "[Snoring]" "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "Since you like making videos, I've always wanted to make a movie." "[Jim crying]" "AMY:" "Are you crying?" "Is everything all right?" "What could possibly be wrong?" "[Suspenseful instrumental music]" "Jimmy, what took you so long?" "[Both screaming]" "GREG:" "Hey, wait a minute." "You're Corey Feldman." "I thought you were a stuffed animal." "GREG:" "I thought you were in rehab." " No, that was Corey Haim." " And what did I say?" "Never mind." "Corey Feldman." "I've seen all of your movies." "I'm a really big fan." " Since when did you become a car thief?" " I'm not a car thief." "I just did this because I want to piss off Demontague." "I want to move it a couple of blocks." "That's it." "You former child stars always got an excuse." "I don't see Ron Howard stealing no cars." "Ron Howard isn't neighbors with Demontague." "COREY:" "Let me tell you something." "This guy is the worst neighbor anybody could ever have." "Every time I have a party, he goes and calls the police." "Every time the police come, he calls the Enquirer." "Every time the Enquirer writes about me, he sends it to my mom." "[Police siren wailing]" "Oh, great." "Man, this is bad." "You're in a stolen car filled with open liquor bottles and puppet porn." "Puppet porn?" "I cannot get caught with puppet porn again." "There's also the small matter of kidnapping, but look at the bright side." "Maybe you'll make the news." "COREY:" "I don't want any press." "I'm going to ditch these guys." "[Greg exclaiming fearfully]" "And I thought Bordello of Blood was a bad choice on your part." "[Tense instrumental music]" "If life hands you a lemon, you can always make lemonade." "Speaking of squeezing a bit of fruit... did you hear who's blackmailing Kendrick, the hairdresser?" "[Bell ringing]" "Warren, nobody wants to hear your gossip right now." " It's that buff publicist, isn't it?" " Not even close." "Give me initials." "Hey, everyone." "I've got a big announcement." "I just came back from my gun club, the cupcakes were a big hit... and you are looking at the next Vice President." "Quick, turn on the news." "That stupid psycho, Warren, is in a police chase." "Unbelievable." "I knew he was unstable." "I knew that he was going to embarrass us..." " with his drinking and his whoring" " I'm right here." "Warren, you're standing right there." "Thank God, you're okay." "I was worried about you." "That's artfully done, Alison." "You turn faster than a young girl at Wellesley." "Warren, this does look like your car." "NEWSCASTER:" "News Six has learned that the car... belongs to puppet actor Warren Demontague." "Betsy?" "Better known as Professor Ape... on Sweetknuckle Junction, a low-rated children 's television program." "Low blow, that." "Gil, your crack-addled son has kidnapped my Betsy." " What are you talking about?" " I let him borrow the car... so he could run his errands, and see, this is what I get for being a nice guy." "GlL:" "My God, that's Jimmy?" "WARREN:" "Yes." ""Wow, Vice President." "Congratulations, Jack."" "I mean, come on, it's only polite." "Would you shut up about your cousin-poking gun club?" "Acknowledge the fact that there are other people in crisis." "I just had that car detailed." "This can't be happening." "This is nuts." "I never thought of Jimmy as the outlaw type." "You know, wild and crazy and dangerous." "You get yourself all turned on, Alison, because that's a big help." "Why don't we flip over to America 's Most Wanted... see if we can find a serial killer to take you all the way home." "NEWSCASTER:" "There he goes." "Jimmy, what are you doing?" "What's happened to you?" " Betsy." " What do I do?" "BLAH:" "Does he have a cell phone?" "Yes, he does." "For God's sake, Jimmy, what have you gotten yourself into?" "[Slow instrumental music]" "You look so sexy." "You know, I feel sexy." "You'll give me the tape after this, right?" " Someone wants to talk to you." " No, don't." "jim:" "Hello?" "GlL:" "Hello, Jimmy?" "Jimmy, are you okay?" "You know, I'm right in the middle of something." "Son, you're throwing your life away." "That's too tight." "It hurts?" "I can't move." "AMY:" "Help me." "GlL:" "Who was that?" "[Jim stammers]" "Jim?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Dear God, I think he's holding some poor girl hostage." "I wonder what he's making her do." "Will somebody please hose her down?" "[Barking]" "AMY:" "That's it." "Now, meow like a cat." "[Meowing]" "Now, you're a donkey." "[Braying]" "That's more of a mule." "Now, I want you to say, "Hi, Corey."" "Hi, Corey." ""I'm sorry for being such a bad neighbor..." ""and if I call the police on you again, this tape will go straight to the tabloids."" "What?" "Hey, where are you going?" "Corey Feldman sent me." "Corey Feldman?" "You mean this was a setup?" "No, I really am a horny Catholic schoolgirl... who just happened to be skinny-dipping in your pool on my 18th birthday." "Once again, betrayed by porn." "You know what?" "The joke is on you." "Because I am not Warren Demontague." "jim:" "Can I call you?" "Or you can call me." "You know, I'm a modern guy." "NEWSCASTER:" "He's continuing westbound on the 101 freeway..." "My God, I think I've lost the ability to blink." "He seemed like such a good boy." "Such clean pores." "I don't understand it." "Did anyone notice him acting strange?" "He seemed miffed when I asked him to decorate my cupcakes." "He was annoyed today when I asked him where the scripts were." "He seemed fine when I asked him to clean dog crap off my lawn." "GlL:" "You asked him to do that?" "WARREN:" "Sure." " What were you thinking?" " That I didn't want to do it." "That's horrible." "It's probably what made him go all bad boy." "That's why he came to me before." "He came to me for help, and do you know what I told him?" ""l don't care."" "I actually used those words, "l don't care."" "Worst thing a father could say to his son." "No, trust me." "The worst thing a father could say to his son is:" ""Hey, son, it's the summer of love." ""Do you want to watch me and this hippie chick get it on?"" "Hey, look." "He just passed the rib shack up the street." "Is anybody else hungry?" "I've got to make this right." "I've put on a false face long enough." "The worst thing a father can say is:" ""Monkey Boy." "Stupid Monkey Boy."" "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "Corey Feldman, this is nuts." "Come on, man." "You've got so much to live for." "Come on, man." "You've got so much to live for." "Like what?" "For one thing, there might be a Goonies Part Two." "Will you stop with the freaking movies, already?" "Geez, all I wanted all my life is to be thought of as a normal person." "I am a normal person and all I want is to have a little love and happiness... and maybe spread a little joy throughout the world." "Like the character Jessie in Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever?" "Has anybody ever told you... that you have an incredibly annoying tendency to hyper-focus?" "Excuse me, but somebody kidnapped me before I could take my Ritalin today." "[Fast-paced instrumental music continues]" "GlL:" "Hang on, Jimmy." "Daddy's coming." "I hope he gets away." "It's great seeing people stick it to authority." "I'll remember that the next time you give me an acting note." "Warren, "sober up" is not an acting note." "Has anybody seen Greg?" "Jimmy." "Oh, my God." "You didn't steal the car?" "Can't you do anything right?" "You little bastard." "What have you done with my Betsy?" "And what did the veterinarian say?" "[Fast-paced instrumental music]" "Daddy's coming, Jimmy." "My God, there's a guy in the middle of the road." "Stop." "Daddy's here." " He's not moving." " You better go around him." "Jimmy!" "No, I'm tired of taking crap from people." "I'm driving straight." "Corey, I have never seen this side of you." "No!" "Hey, that's my boss." "Hi, Mr. B." "I can't believe you chickened out." "What was I supposed to do, hit the guy?" "[Clucking]" "That's my son." "Son, I know things seem a little grim right now... but I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you." "I want you to know I care about you more than anything on earth." "You're my special boy." "Michael Jackson used to tell me the same thing." "Look, I know sometimes it seems that the whole world is against you... and that no one appreciates all your hard work... but you listen to me..." "I'm proud of you." "I'm your biggest fan." "And I don 't think I've ever said this... but I love you." "[Sentimental instrumental music]" "I've needed to hear that for so long." "Corey, if you're going to cry, then I'm going to cry." "Don't, Greg." "Run." "Be free, little bunny." "I will always remember our time together." "I love this boy." "I love this boy." " I love this" " Dad." "GlL:" "Jimmy, what the hell are you doing?" "Run." "GlL:" "Are you okay?" "jim:" "Yeah, I'm more than okay." "I heard everything you said." "I meant every word of it." "Did you get the tape over to post?" "Run." "Run." "GREG:" "Hey, Jimmy." "You are never going to guess who I got kidnapped by today." " Hey, that's Corey Haim." " Corey Feldman." "What did I say?" "I love you, man." "I love this guy." "COREY:" "Hey, what are you doing?" "GREG:" "So what could've been Jimmy's worst day turned out to be his best." "Not just because he got to see that hot girl in her underwear... but because he finally got to see how much his father cares about him." "And me?" "I got to have a cool adventure in a stolen car with a Goonie." "As far as Warren was concerned..." "Corey Feldman finally got what he deserved." "Incidentally, Jimmy's worst day did come the following Tuesday... when my new pal, Corey, gave me a videotape, and I brought it to work." "No, get that off!" "Just wait here, okay?" "I'll be back in a minute." "You should probably stop before you get out." "jim:" "No, I'm just going to do a roll." "GREG:" "See you." "COREY:" "You're a stuffed animal." "GREG:" "I thought you were in rehab." "I thought you were a stuffed animal." "GREG:" "And I thought you were in rehab." " What's my line?" " Forget your line there, bunny?" "I dropped the nose." "Oh, my God." "My glasses." "That's all the comedy I have for today." "Sorry."