"SCHMIDT:" "Man, this is..." "COACH:" "Oh, come on!" " Get it close to the light." " Just because you invented Sky Knife... doesn't mean you tell me how to throw." " Hurry up." "You can do this." " One, two, three." "ALL:" "Sky Knife!" "[ALL CHEERING]" " What's up?" " Oh, hey." "What's up?" "Nothing, just straight up chilling." "You guys, it's a really long story, but I think I saw an eagle." " I was shopping for books on Western." " Jess, no!" " God, what the hell?" " You were in the drop zone." " Good save, Nick." " You're a hero." "We were playing Sky Knife." "You mad?" "No." "No, I think it's been a great game this week." " I'm amazed at how great it is." " I thought you were gonna be mad." "I'm gonna go get the bad ass knives from Schmidt's." " Cool." " Get them, girl." " Um, guys, we have a problem." " But Abby's gonna fix it." " She's going to get the cooler knives." " The problem is Abby." "She's been here one week and has already created chaos everywhere." "I don't know if anybody noticed, but she destroyed my painting with a penis." " The iguana's cool." " I like the iguana." " Yeah, I like his tail." " Yeah." "Oh, my God, it's Terry." "Bastard found me." "He wants his stuff." "Who's Terry?" "What's his stuff?" "Cocaine?" "Drugs?" "Worse." "You guys got to hide." "I knew this was gonna happen." "Everybody in your earthquake spots now." " Jess, she's messing with you." " Ha-ha-ha." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "I know." "We are messing with you." " No, I don't think you were involved." " Jokes on you, dude." " Us Day Sisters, up to our old pranks." " You're not part of it." " Yes, I am." " You got messed with." "You got messed with, not me." " You're doing that voice." " No, I'm not." "This is so fun." "I want to live here." "[LAUGHING]" "That was funny, because we're messing with you again." "No, I'm serious." "That one was real." "I think I should live here." "I hate this game." "[ALL YELL]" "[SINGING] Hey, girl" "What you doing?" "Hey, girl" "Where you going?" " Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" " Who's that girl?" "CHORUS:" "Who's that girl?" "It's Jess" " You looking up how to eat a bagel?" " Ha, ha." "No." "I'm, uh, seeing if I passed the L.A.P.D. Entrance exam." "Results go up in 30 seconds." " If you pass, you get to be a cop?" " No, I get to go to the Police Academy." "I hope I get a dog partner." "You are pretty calm for someone who's about to get life-changing news." " You must be really cool under pressure." " No, I'm a huge choker." "Huge." "Ha-ha-ha." "Girl, I ain't had a job in over three months." "So this is that moment, I guess, when you find out if you're really a failure or not." "Check it." "Excitement's killing me." "Man, would you look at the time, man?" "Girl, I got an obligation at a sandwich meeting to go to." "Yes." "NICK:" "Well, you see loyalty has a price, Mr. President." "Give me the hot dogs." "Put the damn hot dogs in the bag, you son of a bitch, and I will..." "God, what are we gonna do?" "She can't move in to..." "Take that off." " I hope those are clean." " Enough." " I don't want to be involved with your sister." " It's not a weird thing with my sister." " She is crazy." "She's wanted in Canada." " I know." "Canada." "No one's wanted in Canada." "Hey, you guys want to hang out, like, right now?" "Maybe go up to Alhambra, try on a whole mess of jeans?" " You find out about that cop test today?" " Oh, you..." "Oh, yeah, no." "Look, man, the Alhambra thing." "It's getting a lot of momentum, you know?" "So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that, because, you know, when you do that." "I'm gonna guarantee you that Abby is responsible for that." "WINSTON:" "Yeah, she got to me." " If you don't want Abby to live here... why don't you tell her?" " You can't tell Abby to do something." "She'll do the opposite." "I'm gonna find a place for her to live... and make her think it's her idea." "She can't find out what I'm up to." "Think you can keep her busy and lie to her all day?" "Jess, I come from a family of con artists and liars... and the one thing I learned is you can't lie to a liar." "It don't fly." " Yeah, you shouldn't be involved." " No, I shouldn't." "Wait a second." "Are you doing reverse psychology?" " Yeah, it is reverse psychology." " That is reverse psychology." "You reversed it, so it's reversed-reversed, which is just psychology." "Hmm, which one is it?" "You outfoxed me." "I'm in." "I'm gonna do it." "So our time is up, but, um, I don't have any more clients." "So you brought it with that last set, Ma." "I gotta tell you." " I mean, what can't that butt do?" " You shaped it, so you get dibs." " Dibs, ha-ha-ha." " Ha-ha-ha." "Can I get dibs?" "Because both y'all butts look great." "I mean, I can't tell who's in first place." "You know how you always getting on me about my pizza baby?" " Yeah." " Well, today is the day I get rid of it." "I am here to train." "Save it, dude." "You're avoiding your test results." "Nick texted me." " Guess you can't outrun a text." "COACH:" "Nope." " With the right amount of training..." " Listen to me." "I need you to leave." "I'm with a client, a beautiful one." "I'm trying to, you know." "[WHISTLES]" " Ha, ha." "Trying to whistle?" " No, I'm trying to have sex with her." " Oh, ha-ha-ha." " Ha-ha-ha." "But I did book you for the entire afternoon though." "Uh..." " Why would you do that?" " But if you are doing a thing..." "I can do a tandem session." " Check your score?" "Oh, fun." "Coach, you should show him that ground stretch you did on me earlier." "It was opening me up really nicely." " Yes, please." "Ha-ha-ha." " I don't wanna." "[SIGHS]" "WINSTON:" "Oh!" "This is amazing." "I'm taking a little trip here, Coach." " You know where I'm going." " Why do I keep looking down?" "This museum is my favorite place in Los Angeles." "Um, come on, Nick." "Jess is making you babysit me, right?" "Babysit you?" "Ha, ha, what?" "Like you're a little baby?" "No." " That's how you want to play this?" " I'm not playing it." " What are you doing?" " I wanna touch it." " Don't touch it." " I need to." " Hey, hey." " What?" "Can I not jump on it?" " Ab..." "Abby." " That's not allowed?" " Maybe I shouldn't climb all over the car?" " You need to get off of that car." "Why don't you tell me what Jess is up to." "Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am." "You're scratching the hood." " Tell me what I wanna know." " Get off there now." " There's nothing to tell." " Tell me." "Tell me what she's doing." " Get her off." " Will you get off?" " Yes." "Yes." " Promise?" "She's looking for a safe apartment because she doesn't want you to live with us." "Now, would you please get off the car?" "Do you guys serve drinks here?" "Why don't they give us Tasers?" "Wow." "This place is beautiful." "Makes the other nine places we've seen today just fade away." "Yeah, tell me about the neighborhood." "Is there a lot of nightlife?" "This part of town is pretty quiet." "Unless you count church bells." "Which you should." "We have nine within hearing distance." "What about the other tenants?" "Are there single men between 18 and 65?" "Actually, make that 16 and 72." "Most of the other tenants are middle-aged gay veterans like myself." "Oh." " [WHISPERS] Jackpot." " And if the demons come calling... there's an emergency room across the street." "You had me at "gay veterans" and then again at "emergency room"... and before that at "church."" "I wish I could just travel back in time... and tell 19-year-old me to move into a place like this." "Maybe I would've settled down, met a, you know, nice guy... nothing flashy, works in a bank, makes a great veggie lasagna." " Okay, not now, Cece." " No, don't stop her." " Who is this guy?" " Ha-ha-ha." "Right?" "Bet you are a mean dancer." "Come on, live a little." "You were right to call me." "Nobody deals with crazy girls better than I do." "Crazy girls are my hurt locker." "You know what I mean?" " Yeah." " Some men, they can just walk away." "Not me." " I keep coming back." " Are you gonna help me get her off the car?" " You know what this is?" " What?" "This is nonsense." "And how do we deal with nonsense?" "No, no." "We just don't stand for it, is what we do." "Security is on the way." "Come on, you old bird." "Get up here." "I can't afford it." "I'm already the staff troublemaker." " Can you make it happen?" " I'm thinking." "Where you at right...?" "Like, is it kind of...?" "Yeah." "Just shh." " I got it." "Yeah." " You do?" "No nonsense." "Hey, Abby?" "Look at me." " Let's go get a taco." " Okay." " You gotta be kidding." " There you go." "Perfect." "You're not gonna tell Jess I told you about the apartment?" "I don't know." "Maybe." "We'll see." " It would be cool if..." " Straighten things up at the museum." "I appreciate that." "It's only $10." "That's not gonna..." "It's $10." "You snakes." "Follow through." "Or that creepy guy isn't gonna take his hand off your thigh." "Hands off my thigh, dude." "[WINSTON GROANS]" "Off my thigh, dude." "[WINSTON GROANS]" "What are you doing?" "Stop stalling, check your score." "I'm not stalling." "I'm gonna have Anders work my core and maybe go get some juice with him." "No, I want juice." "I bought your time, I do whatever I want with it." " Go check your score." " Hey, what are you doing?" " What are you doing?" " I'm checking it myself." " No." "Come on, man." " Here." "I said no, dude." "No." "What?" "You failed." "I didn't even..." "You know, it's not even a..." "It's not a big deal." "You know, so..." "You should probably put a passcode on your phone." "Hey, Schmidt." "Hey, Schmidt, have you seen Abby?" "What are you...?" "What are you doing?" "I'm melting chocolate." "Abby and I are having sex." "What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?" "I've really changed my tune on nonsense, Nick." "For the life of me, I could not understand the grasp that Jess had on you... but if she came from the same gene pool as this one?" "Kudos, my friend." "Even if it's a tenth of what I experienced... even if it's a DeVito-Schwarzenegger split from Twins." " You calling Jess the DeVito?" " What?" " I was supposed to be watching you." " Go ahead." "Don't play tricks with my words." "Jess is gonna kill me." "She'll say my name in that short, clipped way." " What?" " When she's mad, she just says, "Nic."" " You really think the K adds to the sound?" " Yes." " Say your name?" " Nick." " Without the K." " Nic." " Same thing." " Stop distracting me!" "Nick, you're so worried about disappointing Jess." "Relax, man." "[DINGS]" "You gotta get out of here." "[SCHMIDT GROANS]" "[ABBY GRUNTS THEN SCHMIDT LAUGHS]" "I choked." "I choked, man." "I'm 31, I have nothing figured out." "Can I not find a job?" "I mean, I feel like I'm losing it." " They're hiring here." " You know I can't work here." " They never have any cookies." " All the better." "There's no pressure." "Get this job." "When you're ready, try the cop thing again." " Okay." " See?" "Yeah." "But now I'm sitting here thinking about how badly I need this job." " Stop." " I need this job real bad." "Excuse me, can we get a job application, please?" "In a way, I have a lot more riding on this job than I do the cop thing." "God, I'd love to work here." "JESS:" "I got the apartment!" "The place is great." "Only thing I'm worried about is there is a Russian grocery store." "And Abby has a bit of a weird thing with ethnic white people." "But I think she could really thrive there." " Where is she?" " Where's who?" " Abby." " Abby?" "Oh, she's sleeping." "By herself." "Which is called napping." "I'm gonna start packing some of her stuff." "Think you can keep distracting her?" "Yes." "Yeah, you know, how do you distract a woman like that?" "Probably a guy, ha, ha, right?" "Who could we set her up with?" "Well, well, well, who do we have?" "Coach?" "No." " Winston?" "No." " That's kind of a good idea." " Schmidt." " That's a terrible idea." " But in the same sense..." " Abby will wreck Schmidt." " Well, then..." " Here's the plan." "We're gonna have dinner, get her buzzed, not drunk... and then we're gonna casually and naturally bring up the apartment... so she thinks it's her idea." " I can do that." " Okay, good." "I'm glad." "I'll act cool, natural, casual." "Au natural." "Au casual." "Know what?" "Maybe I should write you some lines." "I'd really appreciate that." "Maybe not a lot of words." "So tell me, what are your three weakest qualities?" "Let's see." " [WHISPERS] "Perfectionist."" " Perfectionist." "Yeah." "And the other two, um..." "[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]" "[BABBLING]" "I'm overheating, right?" "Okay, so here's what we're gonna do now." "I'm just going to shoot from the hip." "A little rapid fire." "Give you some fun facts you might not know about me." "I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers... and I just honestly, from the bottom of my heart... don't think women should be allowed to handle money." "They just..." "That's for real." "Let's just move on to the salary." "And you didn't fill out the back of the application." "There's a back?" "There is a back to the application." "Coach." " What?" " The L.A.P.D. Exam." "Maybe it had a back." "You didn't check if it had a back?" "We gotta go to the precinct." "I didn't choke." "I'm just careless." "And that is my biggest weakness, you bitch." "I'm so sorry, dude." "I'm so sorry." "I didn't even mean it." " Okay, get out of here." " Dog, I didn't mean that at all, man." "To our newest resident." "The City of Angels has sprouted another pair of wings." "It's a majestic city, drenched in sunshine... that is actually just a collection of 75 different neighborhoods." "Wow, I had no idea." "Please continue to tell me more." " More?" " Who wants to rediscover couscous?" " What are you doing here?" "ABBY:" "I invited him." " I live here too, right?" " Yeah, but..." "It's okay." "Abby can make her own decisions, no matter what they might lead to." " Thank you." "JESS:" "Somebody call the pound... because my stomach is growling." "I said, "My stomach is growling."" "Okay." "Speaking of dinner, there are a lot of great options in North Hollywood." "It's a real hotspot, full of young, hip people... who will be the leaders of tomorrow." " More wine?" "If I were moving to L.A. Now, I'd say yes-o to NoHo." "NICK:" "Hey." "Hey, what are you doing?" " Oh, my." "Stop touching him, Abby." "I'm sorry, what'd you say?" "Touch him more?" "Do not touch him." "What are you...?" "Do not do this right now." "How about that?" "As luck would have it, I actually know of a place in North Hollywood... with great tile work." " I said, "Great tile work."" " For the first 12 months." "I think what you mean to say is there's an introductory offer for cable television." " Yeah." " Cable's a scam, I tell you." "Satellite!" "What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?" "Satellite's where it's at." "Nonsense has the hands of an angel." "Okay, what's going on here?" "I told Abby about the apartment and now she's giving Schmidt a special." "Don't look at me." "Just look away." "Look away or look right at me." "So this was going on the whole time?" "Yes." "The hands are just the half of it." "There's been banging and poking and scratching... and hanging and teasing." "Such teasing." "I mean, really excruciating, life-giving teasing." "Shut up, Schmidt." "She was talking to me." "This has been a whole day of lying and I can't take it." "I had to lie to Abby, so I spilled the beans about the apartment." "Sorry." "And then I had to lie about Abby and Schmidt and the boning." "And then the manipulating and the out-manipulating." "That's lying." "If you guys were just honest with each other for one second... none of this would've happened." "Okay, all right." "Abby, I'm really sorry I tried to trick you... but I just want what's best for you." " One of us has to." " That is your problem." " You think you're better than people." " No, I don't." "You've done it your whole life." "It's annoying." "You know what, yes." "Yes." "I would like to fix you." "No, I would love to fix you." "But I'm done trying, because you're not changing." "And you don't think or care about other people at all and I do." "That's why I don't want you living in this loft." "Ha." "That's honest." "You're a garbage person and should live in a dumpster with rotten snails." " Hey, Nick, too far." " Yeah, way over the line, buddy." " We were piling in." " That's my sister." "I didn't mean that." "Yeah, sorry." "Well, lucky for you, I'm moving out." "Thank God, Abby." "Oh, my God." " You're gonna like this place." "It's so nice." " I'm moving in with Schmidt." " You're moving in with who?" " We would have sex all the time." "Dinner was lovely, you guys." " Thank you so much." " Bye." "Hey, Jess, can I borrow your glasses?" "We're gonna role-play as you guys." " Ew." "No." " You don't understand." "She's not gonna be you." "I'm gonna be you." " Get out, Schmidt." " Get out of here." "Oh, God." "WINSTON:" "What's up, my man?" "I took the test last week, or should I say I took the front part of the test... and, sir, I am here to finish what I started." " What?" " He's trying to say he took the exam... but he forgot the back half." "The test is administered on a computer." "There is no back." " You took the test on a computer?" " I choked." "I am a failure." "I am a loser." "I'm never gonna amount to anything." "I'm never gonna shoot somebody." "Dude, have some dignity, all right?" "Thank you for your time, sir." "Winston." "Winston, yo." "Winston." " Dude." " You failed, man." "You fail hard at everything." "Dude, this pep talk sucks." " I'm not finished." " It's the Winston of pep talks." "Look at me." "You can do this, Winston... because now there's nothing to be afraid of." "You hit rock bottom, man." "This is the worst it's gonna get." "Sir, it has been my dream to become a cop." "And no one's gonna stand in my way." "Not you, not him." " Hey, I was helping." " And definitely not myself." "I would like to retake this test." "Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow." "What about my score makes you think I'm ready to take this test in 12 hours?" " He'll be there." " I'll be there." "Thank you for messing everything up and being a terrible liar." " You are very welcome." " I needed to say that stuff to my sister." "She's gonna wreck Schmidt." "He has no idea." "I'm sorry my family's so crazy." "Crazy?" "Your family's not crazy." "My family's crazy." "My father used to trade horse semen." "I've got an uncle whose God-given name is Shifty." "Well, thank goodness we're the sane ones." " So..." " Now, remember, up and..." "[JESS SCREAMS]" " Hello, Abby." " Hey, what's up?" "Have you thought about what you're gonna do if they pair you with a dirty cop?" "Well, then I would just go to Internal Affairs." " That's a good way to get killed." " At least I would die a hero." "No, you won't." "They'll put you in panties and plant you next to a dead prostitute." " That's a poor lady." " It'd be a dude." "But it's awesome." "Good luck on the exam." "They got dude prostitutes?" "Nuh-uh."