"Right." "Mr. Yamagochi is on its way up now with his lovely wife." "As you know, he's thinking of investing in those, and if he does, it'll be the best thing that happened to this company since old Gladys the cook burned down the canteen." "She wasn't a bad cook." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is she having a laugh?" "Oh, be fair, Ray." "She wasn't that bad." "We all loved her milky puddings." "Not when they dragged in the mash, we didn't." "Now, I don't want any of you two mucking things up for me," "Prepared the traditional japanese cuisine, have you?" " Yes, it's here!" " Right." "But I'm still not sure you should have let Gobbler organise the traditional japanese entertainment." " Why, what's he planning?" " Well..." "No time, here they come." "This is Rita, and my team." "We prepared some traditional japanese cuisine." "Welcome." "I hope you like it." "Lovely." "Well done, Rita." "And now, for your delectation, may I present..." "Gobbler and Kimberley with some traditional japanese entertainment." "What the f..." "Chin-Chine-China man milked a cow, didn't know how," "Chin-Chang-China man poured the wrong tea !" "Chin-Chang-China man covered in shit!" "I'm all done covered in... shiiiit!" "What do you think?" "Is he having a laugh?" "It's bad." "It's not bad, is it?" " It is." " No, no." "Bad suggests that it's evil or something." "It's not..." "It's poor." "It's... rubbish." "It's shit." "It's a shit sitcom." " It's a shitcom!" " Oh, we've sorted that out." "Thanks very much, that's the career I love." "That's what one of the reviewers said." "I shouldn't..." "No." "I shouldn't be joking about it." "It's not..." "What are the reviews like?" "If I was being kind I'd say it was a mixed bag." " Let me have a look." "Let me see it." " Really?" "Barry?" "Can you bring some of the reviews in?" "Where is he gone ?" "Got to do something with his mornings hasn't he?" " Found another one." " Oh, have you?" ""Perhaps it's unfair to judge a sitcom on its first episode,"" ""but when a TV programme makes you wanna gouge out you own eyes rather than watch one more minute,"" ""you know it's probably not your cup of tea."" " God, pop he in the scrapbook." " No, don't pop he in the scrapbook." "Put good ones in the scrapbook." "What good ones?" "There's no good ones." "Best one was the Telegraph." " What'd they say?" " They didn't review it." "See you later, B." "Career's over." "No, because despite what they say, the viewing figures are really good:" "6,2 million." "6 million people watched it last night?" "And yet none of these liked it." "These people know about comedy, don't they?" "They know what they're talking about with the general public." "You said: "If you get your own show, the offers'll come flooding in."" "You said the phone would never stop ringing." "Have you had any phone calls at all?" "Oh no, what am I talking about." "Sky called." "They say they can put your dish up Thursday." "Hello?" "What're you doing?" "I'm actually flipping through the phonebook." "And I'm pointing my finger on a random page, to see what my name could be if I wanted to change it." " What've you got?" " P.B. Grout." "Good." "As long as you're filling your days." "C.T. Panchanagonanau." "I don't look like a Panchananagonahau." " You hungry?" " Yeah." " Greasy Spoon?" " Yeah." " Where am I meeting you?" " Garage in ten minutes?" " D'you wanna hear one more?" " Oh, go on." "T.P. Ronns..." " You're moving in here?" " Yeah." "Oh, good." "I mean..." "Do you want a hand?" " No, I'm fine." " Phew." "I'm Andy by the way." "I live here, obviously." "I live on the second floor, 21." "I'm Kathy." "Nice to meet you." " Welcome to the building." " Thanks." "It's nice to see someone under 40." "I thought I'd moved into an old people's home." "There are some elders in there, some maybe in their forties, but... they're quiet." "The old telly there." " Watch a lot of telly?" " I don't." "So last night, BBC1, no?" "Good stuff on." "Well, if you need someone to show you around at all..." "Thanks, that'd be nice." "Alright, see you later." "I saw it last night." " And?" " Yeah, it was good." "Are you just saying that?" "No." "Too long a pause." "If you're gonna lie, lie well." "Bits of it were funny." "Doesn't count." "You laugh for anything." "What?" "I found you laughing just half once, and I said "What're you laughing at?", and you said "My toes"." " Oh yeah?" "They are funny, though." "The way they waggle." "It's you that's making them waggle." " Spare any change?" " Sorry, mate." " Have a nice day." " Cheers." "Good luck with the show, Andy." "Cheers." "How does he know who I am?" "Where does he watch the show?" "Through Dixen's window?" "You've been in all the magazines." " Oh, he reads "Heat", does he?" " Everybody reads "Heat"." "Everybody reads "Heat"." "Now I'll have to start giving money to the homeless." "Why?" "'Cause I don't want people to say "Andy Millman hates the poor"." "You don't just hate the poor." "You hate everyone." "That's why it's so unfair." "Sorry, I've only got like..." "8p and change, or a 20..." " Give him the 20." " He said change." " Yeah, whatever." " Cheers." "Your TV show is doing alright, though, is it?" "Good." "Pay well?" "Have you got anything else?" "You've got a quid?" "You haven't got a 10 and a 5, have you?" " Haven't." " Of course, he's homeless!" "I know he's homeless, I'm not blind." "Twenty." "It's nothing." "Is that the most you've ever been given?" " One bloke gave me 50 once." " That is mental." "He must have been a pervert." "20 quid, though." "'Cause your average is probably, what, 20p or something." "I do come past here quite a lot, so..." "We count that as a few goes, can't do that every day." "Says..." "I don't know, 3 months of leaving me alone." " "Leaving you alone"?" " No." "If you're gonna have this attitude, I don't want it." " Seriously, take it back." " I'm just saying I couldn't do that..." "What will you say to people about this?" "I'll probably say:" ""Don't ask Andy Millman for money,"" ""cause he'd only give it to you begrudgingly"." "No, say... that I offered you 20, the second most you've ever been given, then I insulted you and..." "And you made me take it back, but mention the 20." "In any anecdotes slagging me off." "Just take it, it's fine." "Nice aftershave, by the way." " Cheers." " What is it?" "Calvin Klein." "Apparently, Vernon Kay uses that." "Ok, cheers." "Why are we walking back this way?" "This is the way we came!" "Now we gotta go past him again." "You..." " See you later." " Yep." " We walked too fast." " You did." "She's moving into my block." "I spoke to her earlier, I was getting a vibe." "I'm gonna go and talk to her." "You come over, okay?" "Just ask for an autograph." "Yeah and just tell about how you think I'm the most amazing actor on TV." "You don't have the right to use your new powers for evil." " You gotta use what you can." " Fair enough." "Hello." "Need any help here?" "Thank you." "Big strong man's just what I need." "Will I do ?" "Excuse me." "You Andy Millman?" "Star of the new sitcom "When the whistle blows"?" " Can I get an autograph, please?" " No worries." " Who is it to?" " Me." "Yeah, but I don't know your name, do I?" "Maggie." "Can I just say... that I think you're the most amazing comedy actor on TV?" "Ah, not amazing." "But that's what you told me to say." "Did he ask you to come over and say that?" "I don't know." "You don't know if he asked you to say it?" "No, I don't know." " Are you friends?" " Are we friends?" " Unlikely." " Well..." " We have met." " Have we?" "Changed a bit." "Hello." "Were you..." "You used to..." "These are not gonna move themselves." "See you later." "Andy, am I coming with you?" "You're still thinking about the reviews?" "Yes, the terrible, terrible reviews." "Think about the good ones." "What am I gonna do now?" "I'll never get over this." "I'll just spend years and years trying to claw back credibility by doing anything, just popping up in bad films and charity events." "Just begging forgiveness." "They'd forgive you if you did "Celebrity Fit Club"." "Brilliant!" "What else?" "What else am I gonna do?" " "Celebrity Love Island"?" " Why would I do a show that when I watched it, I was praying for a tsunami?" "Do we just go to the pub?" "That's the beginning." ""Depressed TV star drinks himself to death"." "Oh, don't be daft." "You're not a star, and being fat will kill you before the drink does." "Are you sure you come to the pub?" "You're not minding the phones with the Samaritans tonight?" "No?" "Okay, pub it is, then." "Here's one." "Who would you rather fight and have a decent chance of winning?" "Big fat hairy silver back gorilla... or Thomson's gazelle?" "Well, the gazelle." "I know, but you'd have to catch it first, 'cause they're like..." "I wouldn't catch it." "I turned up for the fight, it ran away, I win." " Not my problem." " Oi, oi." "Don't look at me like that." "Little bit of good news here." " Are you sure?" " Oi." "Barry and I were scouring the Internet and found a glowing review of your sitcom." " Really?" " Listen to this." ""This charming story of loveable larger than life characters will please all the family."" ""This is a delightful woodland romp with many of the best scenes featuring the roly-poly toad."" "Give me that." "This is a review of "Wind in the Willows"." "What's your called then?" "Oh, "When the wind blows"." "Whistle." "I said that was a picture of a frog, didn't I?" " Got the same throat." " I know, yeah." "You can see where we went wrong." "I'm gonna get a drink." "Have a look." "There's a ringer." "Oh, yeah." " Except he's green." " Who, Andy?" "The frog." "God, it's you." " What're you doing here?" " Just having a drink." "So are we!" "Amazing." "Do you live near here?" "Where?" " Just..." " What street?" "Well, doesn't matter, does it?" "Just locally." " I love your show." " Oh, good." "The wig, the glasses, the catch phrase." " Brilliant." " Thanks." "Everything about it." "The wig, the glasses, the catch phrase..." "Brilliant." "It's become a quite catch phrase itself." "Ooh, wig." "Glasses, catch phrase." " Brilliant?" " Yeah." " Can I take a picture?" " Yeah." " You got the wig with you?" " No." "Do the face." "Do the face." "Look at him!" "It works even without the wig and the glasses." " Can you do the catch phrase?" " I'd rather not." " Do the catch phrase!" " No, I'm just saying..." " Just do the catch phrase !" " Okay, okay." " Are you having a laugh?" " Do it properly." " I love everything about it." " Cheers." "The wig, the glasses, the catch phrase..." " Can I call my mate Pete?" " Why not?" "Can't call the barman as well, can you?" "His number." "Pete, what's your favourite catch phrase?" "He's only here!" "Yeah!" "Speak to him." "Oi, Pete, how've you been, mate?" "Yeah?" "He likes that as well." "I don't have the wig with me, no." "Oh, Pete, I've got to go, mate." "Because..." "Life's too short." "Okay ?" "Yeah." "See ya." "That's actually him, yeah." " Come down." "Bring Ralph and Walnut." " Oh, that's me." "Then tell Count Fuckulla." "Yeah, he loves him." "Oh, I'll go get him." "Quick quick quick, Jilly." " Forget it." "Drink up." "We're going." " Why?" "I've just been spotted by someone from The Hills Have Eyes." "Hello!" "Alright, mate." "How's it going?" "Darren Lamb, agent." "Nice to meet you." "That's my girlfriend Jilly." "I recognise you." "Yes, possibly." "You did my mom's guttering, didn't you?" "Maybe." "Where does she live?" "Houndel Court opposite the BP garage." "You didn't tell me anything about this." "How much did you get paid?" " Not much." " 200 quid." "Mom said he did such a good job she gave him a 20 pound tip." " 220 quid?" " I don't have to tell you everything." "No, you don't." "Although you're happy to tell me when you're sleeping in your car, and you need somewhere to have a bath, then you can't keep your mouth shut." "But this, you're keeping shtum about." "You're supposed to be my agent for acting, not bloody artexing." "Rumbled!" "He said guttering." "Now it's artexing!" "What else are you keeping from me?" "I'm appalled, this is scandalous, Barry!" "Such a slap in the face!" "Do you do roofing ?" " Do you need some roofing ?" " It's too dangerous." "I'm not..." "Oh I'm sorry, you're turning down work now are you?" "Sorry, it seems that beggars can be choosers." "My mistake." "Unbelievable." "How much was it, 220?" "Right, you owe me 27,50£." " I'll give you a cheque." " Yeah, if you must." "I'll tell you this." "If you like his show, you'll love this." "Have a look at that." " Just regular." " Turn it the other way." " Boobs!" " Good." " How did you do that?" " It's just numbers." " What numbers?" " 58008." "Boobs!" "Judy, look." "Look at those." "Let me have a wee look!" "Boobs!" "You gotta get used to this, mate." " He's doing my head in." " I know." "They see you on telly, and they all wanna be your best mate." "When I was in EastEnders, we used to go to a place called Castro's." "Quiet, and they treat you well if they recognise you." " Let's go there." " Yeah alright." "Cheers, mate." "Oi, oi." "Boing!" "If it does, whose fault's that?" "Let's not talk about business in front of a couple of..." " ...nobodies, no disrespect." " Unbelievable." "I'm already annoyed with you." "Give it back now." "Anyway..." "Give me your number and we'll meet up again!" "Don't... touch me." " Excuse me." " Yeah?" "I used to come a lot a few years ago, I don't know if you remember." "Oh, yes, hi!" "Greg's in there." "We don't have to speak to him." "Like he's not gonna come over and gloat." " Fat smug face." " We're here now, shhh..." " It's fine, just gotta sign here." " Okay." "Oh, hello." "Hi, welcome." " I enjoyed the show last night." " Really?" "Mark, can you get Mr Millman to the VIP area?" " Thanks very much." " No need to sign in, that's fine." " Cheers." " Ok, enjoy, good." "Andy Millman!" "I can't stop, mate, I'm going to the VIP area." " Take a seat." " Cheers." "More like it." "Thanks very much." "Can I get you anything to drink?" "Some champagne?" "Can you get us a bottle of champagne, please?" "Finally, a little bit of respect!" "Oh, god." "David Bowie." "Oh, my god." "Unbelievable." "Don't look." "Sorry man, I have to ask you to leave." " You've just put us here." " David Bowie's here." "I know, but it's just..." "That's really embarrassing." " Ah, quick sit down?" " At least I had a sit down." "Quick little sit-down, energy, back into it." " How's it going?" " Brilliant." "You?" "Excellent." "Doing Chekhov, at the Windham." "just been nominated for an Olivier Award, so..." " How's your sitcom going?" " Brilliant." "Ratings up, brilliant." " The reviews, very harsh." " I don't read reviews, don't bother." "I think I've got one here, actually." "Can you just hold that?" " I've been meaning to throw it away." " Throw it away, then." ""When the Whistle Blows."" ""As I watched this abysmal time-old comedy," "I found myself expecting someone to shout "I'm free"" "and for Andy Millman to exclaim:" ""Mmh, Betty..."" ""The cats just shat out the worst sitcom of all time."" "Don't really care about his opinion." "If I wanted an opinion, it wouldn't be a snotty reviewer, it would be the people that count." "The man on the street." " Yeah, he gave him 20 quid earlier." " Not that specific man on the street." "If you wanna chase ratings, that's great." "I'd rather win the respect of my peers than get big ratings and everything." "Both." "Getting both." "Anyway." "Always nice to see you mate." " You having a laugh?" " Alright, mate." " Sitcom's shit, mate." " Oh he's changed his tune?" "Why..." "The man in the street." "So fickle." " No, he didn't have a bald head." " No, not that specific... man." " Does that happen a lot?" " Never, it's all good, usually." "I'll tell you who's not having a laugh: the public." " Well, they are." " It's just rude." "Not rude, stupid, ignorant." "To say that." " That was just a little ant." " It's just social rudeness." "Barry." "Don't look right away." "There's a couple of birds over there." "Without drinks." "You know what to do." "Oh, yes." "Excuse me." "There's a couple of girls over there, not drinking." "So you should tell the two of them to buy something or get out." "No, sorry, that's a mistake." "What I meant was, we can buy them some drinks." "That's an in isn't it, to start a conversation." "Thought you were worried they would take valuable space and costing him money." "Why?" "It's not my concern!" "The man is running a business!" "The overheads are probably extortionate." "But he makes a lot of money on food." "There's 20 pubs a day closing down in this country, and it's due to people like that." "Alright?" "What, and you're suddenly an expert, are you on that?" " Why it's your concern, is what I..." " Leave it." "Ladies, pardon us." "Can I just introduce myself?" "Darren Lamb, agent to the TV actor Andy Millman, star of the sitcom..." ""When the Wind Blows"." ""Whistle"." "Thank you." "And do you remember this guy?" "It's only Barry, of EastEnders." "Oh, yeah?" "How's it going?" "Not so good, actually." "Things aren't quite panning out..." "Let's not bring the mood down." "A couple of sorts like this, you're up for it?" "What d'you mean, "up for it"?" "You're out in a bar, no guys with you..." "You meet a couple of players like us..." "Ships in the night." "Let's get down to business." "Who wants Barry of Eastenders?" "Neither of us." "Alright Barry, you're out in the cold mate." "It's the story of my life." "My house was repossessed last night" "Don't bring the mood down, ruin it." "Again, I'm still in the frame." "Who wants Barry to walk her home, while the other one comes homes with me?" "Neither of us." "Final scenario." "Listen to this, right?" "Neither of you's interested in Barry, so obviously I choose the fit one, no disrespect to you." "We all go back to mine, Barry keeps talking to you while she and I get down to it." "It'll take, I swear to God, 10 minutes max." "I can get everything done in that time." "Then you get a cab fare, anywhere you wanna go..." "Up to say a maximum value of 15£." "Or you could walk home, pocket the cash... you've made a sweet profit." "So it's up to you." "No?" "Alright Bar, forget it, mate." "Always know when to cut your losses." "Let's go." "I mean, he was actually a qualified surgeon, if I'm not wrong." "And he used to sing at the operating theatre." "That's where he got his first start, because one of the patients he was operating on was and A  R man from Decca Records." "You oughta know Decca." "Sorry." "It's a bit of a hustle there, can we just pop us down there?" "Not really, this is the VIP section." "Can you step away from the rope please?" "No, I was in there a minute ago." "I was a VIP a minute." "What happened?" "There's nothing I can do, sir." "Can you step away from the..." "Come on, I've got more in common with David Bowie than this rabble." "How do you work that out ?" "We're both entertainers, we've both done something with our lives." "I don't think you can equate yourself with David Bowie." "He's one of the several artists of the last 35 years doing work tantamount to genius." "Whereas you've just made a camp catch-phrase-based comedy." "I just got a bad review of the bouncer." " No, I just know what i like." " Yeah?" "Do you like money?" " Sorry?" " Do you like money?" "20 quid?" "Sorry, you're trying to bribe me to sit next to David Bowie, now?" "I give you 20 quid to sit there in the spare seats." " Fifty." " Fifty quid?" "Let's see it." "You got a ten?" "I've only got twenties." "That's either forty or sixty, then." "Sixty, then." "That's for both of us." "Go and get a drink, I haven't got any money now." " What're you doing in there?" " VIP area." "Can we come in?" "Cause we're getting no action out here." " It's a wasteland." " You're on your own." "Not made of money." "It's the same seat!" "It's actually the same seat for 60 quid." "You paid 60 quid to go in here?" "You should've let me negotiate." "Your show's shit, mate!" "They can still see me." "There should be an actual barrier or something." "Let's go sit next to David Bowie." "He's not getting any hassle." " We can't just sit next to..." " Come on, we just go and speak to him." " I don't know." " Excuse me." "Mr Bowie, can I just say that..." "we're both very big fans..." "I can't hear you love, come over here." "I'll chat with you later." "Thank you." "We were just saying that..." "I'm an entertainer, too." " What do you do?" " I'm in a sitcom." "It's called "When the Whistle Blows"." "Have you seen it?" "I haven't, no." "Is it any good?" "No, it's shit!" "Just riff-raff everywhere." "Not going down to well, eh?" "It's getting six million viewers." "I mean it's..." "It's not exactly what I meant it to be, cause the BBC have interfered, and..." "So I chased ratings and waited lowest common denominator..." "The catch-phrase isn't..." "Wigs and..." "I think I've sold out, to be honest." "It's difficult, you know, when they..." "To keep your integrity when you're going for that first..." "Little fat man who sold his soul" "The little...?" "Little fat man who sold his dream" "Chubby little loser" "Chubby little loser" "National joke" "No, not "chubby little loser"." "Pathetic little fat man" "No one's bloody laughing" "The clown that no one laughs at" "They all just wish he died" "He's so depressed at being useless" " The fat man takes his own life" " No, no." "He's so depressed at being hated" "Fatty takes his own life" " Fatty?" "Fatso?" " Fatso." "I think..." "Yeah, let's go with fatso." "Fatso takes his own life" "He blows his bloated face off" "No." "He blows his stupid brains out" "But the twat probably miss!" " Yes, Linda, I like that." " Yes, so do I. It's brilliant, Linda." "He sold his soul for a shot at fame" "Catch phrase and wig And the jokes are lame" "He's got no style" "He's got no grace" "He's banal and facile." "He's a fat waste of space" "Yeah, yeah." "Everybody, sing that last line." "One, two, three" "He's banal and facile." "He's a fat waste of space" "See his pug-nosed face." "Pug, pug Pug, pug..." "Again." "See his pug-nosed face" "Little fat man with the pug-nosed face" "He's a little fat man" " What'd you have for tea?" " Turkey." "What else?" "Turkey." "A pint of Foster's." "Hi, a pint of Foster's and a dry white wine." "He's put some weight on." "5.80?" "You having a laugh?" "It's him, it's him!" "It's Andy Millman!" " How's it going?" " This is Ralph." "Walnut." "And this is Count Fuckulla." "Oh hey, why do they call you that?" "Cause if I see something, I've got to fuck it." "I never stop." "He never stops." "He never stops." "Oh, yes, sure." "Get picture?" "Here, here." ""I don't get it."" "It's Gobler!"