"Everyautumn, when the frost is on the pumpkin and the leaves begin to fall, something's stirring in the air:" "Football." "Well, here they are, Grandpa, Present State." "Number one in the nation, greatest team..." "Greatest team?" "Fiddle-faddle." "Son, when I was a boy, men were men." "Iron men." "Why, them fellas could beat any team in the country today." "Oh, no." "I bet they couldn't beat this team, Grandpa." "Couldn't beat?" "Son, that's an idea." "Let's just see if we can't settle that age-old argument." "Todayladiesandgentlemen, this game will decide once and for all which team is better, the old-time gladiators of yesterday or the modern gridiron heroes of today." "Here's the number one team of today, Present State." "Here's the passing team, kicking team, defensive team, offensive, inoffensive, split T, whole T, Lipton Tea, single, double and broken wing, assistant coaches, trainers, tutors and psychologist." "The old-timers are warming up across the way." "Bygone's coach fires up his team." "Win it." "Do or die." "Triumph." "PresentState's coach peps up his players." "All right, you guys, remember, when you get on that field the eyes of 40 million people are on you." " Don't let them down." " Yeah!" "Gametimeis near." "The officials are on the field." "Waiting is Bygones captain" "John Hamilton Smelt Smith the third or fourth." "Check that." "Here are the Modern co-captains, Rubbaballski, Shadowiski" "Ginwhisky, Jones and Squatlowski." "All set for the flip of the coin." "Hello, folks, neighbors." "Bygone won the toss and will receive." "Thepress flashes the news to the country." "Flash." "Joe the Toe will kick off for Present State." "Teamsarelinedup." "Old-timers ready?" "Moderns ready?" "JoetheToekicks, ball comes down to Captain Smith, team forms a flying wedge." "Look at them go." "They bulldoze across for a touchdown." "We're six points to the good, folks." "Seven." " Hello?" "Hello?" " Number six calling." "Hey,coach,tryplaynumber X" " Y-Z-7-8-3-4 and a half on two." "Send in team seven with X-Y-Z." "Team seven." "Theold-timers are teeing up." "Thewhistle." "He runs it back to the five-yard line." "They form the huddle." "Let's go inside the Modern huddle." "The quarterback runs through his plays and comes up with a hot number." "They break out in squirrel cage fashion." "Speaking of squirrel cages, friends, a Whirling Dervish dishwasher washes while you watch TV." "Just call Bilgewater six, nine, seven, eight, four..." "Six, two, one, three, nine, hike!" "Theballis givento..." "The ball?" "Where is the ball?" "Thecenterhasit." "That was a fooler." "Quarterback takes the ball," "Modern's line charges, hits the old-timers up in the air." "Send in team number 12." " Number 12." " Team 12." "Teamnumber12 goesin." "And team number 11 goes out." "The new field general receives a hand-off, drifts back, cuts loose and fires a bullet pass." "The end fakes the defense out of his shoes and he's over." " Ouch!" " Wow!" "IfJoetheToe can kickthe extra point it's Modern's chance to tie." "There's the gun ending the half." "The score is tied." "Joe's toe's done it again." "Let's check the Modern team in its quarters." "Here battle-torn jerseys are changed." "While some are psychoanalyzed, others are vitaminized, and the team gets steamed up for the second half." "The old-timers repair their equipment and refresh themselves for the coming struggle." "We're set to start the second half." "The old-timers ready to receive." "The kick." "It's a high one." "It's going over the goal." "Bygone U gets the ball on their 20." "Captain Smith sets up for the upsy-daisy play." "This is a hard play to handle." "The ball is passed to Smith, and Smith is passed  for a short gain." "Old-timers are lining up for a new formation." "They may be trying to sew up the game with this one." "The ball is snapped back and everybody's got one." "Captain Smith has the real ball." "But Modern makes a moustache tackle." "Well, the old wagon broke down on that one, but you can bet your buggy" "Captain Smith has something up his sleeve for the next time." "The old-timers lead 13 to 7." "" " Send in team 65." " Team 65." " Team 65." "Old-timerskick, Ginwhisky returns the ball, and with only seven minutes left," "Modern must dig deep in their bag of tricks to win." "" " Yeah?" "Hello?" "Scout number eight calling." "This is the perfect spot for play number..." "What?" "Number what?" "What number are you calling, please?" "" " Deposit 25 cents for ten minutes." " Any of you guys got a quarter?" " No." "Sorry, mister, all I got are dimes." "Let's show that old school spirit." " Will anybody lend the coach a quarter?" " No!" "What super-scientific razzle-dazzle has the brain trust dreamed up for this?" "Why, no, it can't be." "But it is." "The old-time flying wedge." "Stop 'em." "Hold 'em." "Ahhh!" "Theymiss, and the score is tied." "Tied?" "Oh, that reminds me." "Friends, you'll never be tied, because you always win when you own a Whirling Dervish dishwasher." "Just call Bilgewater eight, four, seven, two, oh." "There you are, son." "That proves it." "Proves what, Grandpa?" "Every home needs a Whirling Dervish dishwasher." "I'm going out and gettin' mine right now."