"Mister..." "Horton... had... a shag..." "..pile... ..car... pet installed." "Frank." "I'm not absolutly convinced that this new shorthand is helping." "Sorry I'm late." "Sheep exploded." "Nasty business." "Would you like a quick recap?" "Well make it quick..." "The buggers are popping like champagne corks out there." "First, the apologies." "Then the council agreed, to give £200 to the Scots." "What the hell for?" "I miss 10 minutes and you all go mad." "Why the hell should we give the Scots money?" "Calm down." "The SCOUTS, Frank." "Oh, right." "We also gave £20... to the Save The ...Chickens Fund." "Moving on!" "Any other business?" "Yes, actually." "I'm on local radio next week." "Does anyone have any requests?" "Oh yes please, we need a bus for the Women's Institute." "We're going to see those lovely dancers in London." "The Royal Ballet?" "No." "The Chippendales." "Now I actually meant more, you know, record requests." "Did you know I used to be a DJ?" "What station?" "Miss Selfridge FM, Cheltenham." "Oh!" "There was that lovely record about someone's face." "Let's Face The Music And Dance." "Torvill and Dean." "Chantilly Face?" "Hugo, give me a classic." "Gosh, it's a tricky one, of cause it has to be Kylie." "The question is which?" "Yes, all right." "# What's the matter you?" "Hey!" "# Shut uppa, you face!" "#" "The-e... parish clerk requested "Shut Up Your Face"" "and the chairman pointed out that if he heard that song he'd take Frank by the testicles, and swing him round his head till his screams were heard in Reykjavik." "And now, I believe, there is just one other badly-timed piece of any other business." "Mrs Cropley." "Oh, yes." "I just want to say on behalf of everyone here, happy birthday, Frank!" "Oh, Lovely!" "Chocolate!" "No." "Marmite." "You known Frank so long, father, y-you must have hundred's of funny stories about him." "I know more funny stories about foot rot!" "He's the most tedious man on God's earth." "Oh, God!" "..." "The Dibley Poisoner does her rounds!" "Cake Vicar?" "Eh..." "Yes, thank you." "Very special thank's." "So.." "Doing anything special on your birthday Frank?" "I manured the dahlias." "Oh!" "Use your own manure?" "Obvious I don't mean your OWN manure." "Although I'm sure it's excellent." "Probably not good for the flowers." "Can you forget I mentioned it?" "I WAS thinking of going in to Whitworth there is a very exciting exhibition " ""Train Timetables of the 1920s."" "Unmissable!" "Yes, but, unfortunately, I just couldn't afford the taxi." "Isn't there a bus to Whitworth?" "It havn't been a bus here for years." "Ahem!" "As you know, today is Frank's 60th birthday." "What CAN one say about Frank?" "He has a huge fund of remarkable anecdotes about the village." "The day the milkman was 47 minutes late, the night the pub TOTALY ran out of crisps and the year he heard a cuckoo in March... only it turned out to be a pigeon." "Happy days, Happy days!" "In fact, we often say, you should write these wonderful memories down Frank." "Good thought!" "Instead of telling us....." "all the damn time!" "To Frank!" "TO FRANK!" "Thank you!" "I forgot to give you this." "Oh, Mr Chairman." "Really, you shouldn't have!" "Thank you..." "It's the bill for the wine." "By the way.." "The district council election is in two weeks," "I presume I can count on your vote?" "You certainly can." "I hope you will be voting for him too, Vicar." "Well, he can't be any worse than the one we've got at the moment, can he?" "Who IS our present councillor, actually?" "Mr Completely Invisible?" "Mr Total And Utter Dingbat?" "Representing the Do Sod-All Party?" "!" "David!" "It's you, isn't it?" "I think you'll find that the huge majority are very happy with the job I'v been doing." "No, no, no." "Not really." "It would be nice to have a bus, wouldn't it?" "You know,.." "Transport." "...Like in the good old 1870s." "If you look at my latest campaign leaflet." "I think you find that a bus service, is one of my top priority." "Oh., wonderful idea!" "It was one of your priorities at the last TWO election's as well, wasn't it?" "." "Mmm!" "Ye-es.." "Now,if you will all excuse me... (I will speak to you later, Vicar.)" "Nibble, Vicar?" "It's chocolate spread." "Chocolate?" "Yeah, yeah..." "You promise?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..." "All right then, I will." "Very..." "...unusual taste." "Yeah, well, I put in a bit of tarasalamata there as well!" "Did you?" "Will you, excuse me just a minute!" "Are you feeling better, Vicar?" "Not really..." "Oh, no..." "God.." "I had a terrible night." "My bottom had a worse one." "Those chocolate sandwiches!" "That Cropley woman really is the queen of cordon bleurgh!" "I just don't know who to vote for." "...They're all SO nice." "Well..." "Who did you.." "Oww!" "..." "Oo..." "Aow.." "Who did you vote for in the general election?" "O'.." "I couldn't choose between them." "In the end I didn't tick anyone." "I just put a big cross against the Tory, to make sure he absolutely wouldn't get in." "Coming!" "With a big, sore baboon's bottom!" "Ah.." "District councillor, all-round gorgeous guy, and not at all a ding-bat!" "Alice an I were just talking about you." "Trying to lose me another voter?" "Oh, Hugo..." "That's an interesting emblem." "What is it?" "It's, e..." "Taramasalata, actually." "I.. spilled it last night." "I'd like to speak to the vicar ..privately." "Right...." "She'll be back in a tick." "She just went to get the front door." "I'll tell her you're here." "Alice, look who it is." "Oh.." "That's a coincidence." "Your father's here as well." "You pair of big bananas - you should have come together." "Why don't you two little bunny rabbits hop off in to the kitchen, and make coffee while David and I chat, eh?" "Hello!" "I've got taramasalata on my tie." "Oh, it's VERY nice." "Yes. ..." "I rather like it." "I didn't do it on purpose, but..." "I WILL in the future, since YOU like it!" "I'm all ears, David." "Well, I come strait to the point Vicar..." "Oww!" "..." "Are you all right?" "Yes, yes, Carry on." "Very well.." "I will thank you, not to interfere in this election." "I will not be undermined by a left-wing priest spreading hard-core Marxism in my constituency." "I see." "What was that Socialist tract you were spouting from the pulpit last week?" "I got a feeling it was "The sermon on the mount"!" "Sorry, Jesus did not tell rich people to give their money away." "I think you'll find he did actually!" "Oh..." "Nonsens." "What did he say to the sick man?" ""Take up thy bed and walk."" "In other words, "Help yourself..." "On your bike."" "Sorry..., sorry, sorry!" "Can I just check this?" "Are you trying to establish a link between Jesus and Norman Tebbitt?" "There are similarities." "There bloody are not!" "Well, ...whatever." "Ye-es!" "I think you find that Our Lord very rarely mentioned anything about unprofitable local buses." "Oh, no!" "Look!" "How wrong can a man be, ..here it is?" ""And the Lord did returned from the desert and said and said to his disciples," ""I'v been worried a lot about the Shopper Hopper."" "O' Yes." "And here." "Lower down." ""And he saw that they were poor and in deep distress." ""So he did built them an enormous great golf course."" "Got something against golf?" "Apart from the stupid trousers?" "And the fact that the council, swe-etly, payed £2,000 to Nick Faldo to open our totaly unnecessary local golf course?" "I mean, Nick Faldo!" "He's got as much personality as a 6' 4" asparagus!" "Nine iron, Nick Faldo - who's more interesting?" "So.." "Tell me, nine iron..." "Coffee's up!" "Time to go, Hugo." "Quite right." "I think the vicar grasped the fact that she should keep out of politics." "Absolutely!" "Father takes care of all that." "And he does an enormous amount on the town-twinning committee." "Well, Yes, in the matter of fact, I do." "Come a long Hugo.." "The months he spends flying back and foward to France and Italy on our behalf is amazing." "But we're not yet actually twinned with anyone, are we?" "No." "But he's narrowed it down to two charming places in Tuscany and three delightful beeches on the Riviera." "Hugo.." "Look!" "A lovely picture of you and Mr Horton on his new leaflet." "Look, David Horton is a regular churchgoer." "What's this all about?" "Time to move on, Hugo." "Vicar, I bid you farewell!" "Oh, He definitely gets MY vote." "He must the best if YOU'RE supporting him." "Am I f...finally going to get some of that coffee Alice?" "I must get ready to go on the radio, I'm really looking forward to it now." "I'm..." "Oww!" "Oh, my bottom!" "Now.." "If we take a look at the computer," "And this is just a bit of fun, remember-, we can see that David Horton is predicted to get 63% of the vote." "Now, he only got 61% last time." "That's a swing of 2% from the Liberal-Democrats." "Where does that 2% come from?" "...Here!" "17 Woodley Close, ..." "Owned by Mrs and Mrs Slater 4 years ago." "But they sold it to the Brothertons." "Now, If you translate this district result to the House of Commons," "And this is just a bit of fun, Remember- there's David Horton on the government benches, and there he is on the opposition benches as well." "How did the canvassing go?" "Oh, it's all looking frightfully good!" "I went round every house in the village." "Oh, well done!" "One chap, I actually liked him, he talked to me for ages." "Mr Smewen." "Hugo, He's the LABOUR candidate." "Oh?" "Well, I've got him down as a possible." "He seemed very keen." "We spent hours just chatting and addressing envelopes." "Addressing envelopes?" "Yes." "I delivered them for him on my way round." "He'd written to everyone in the village..." "Lovely man...." "Have there been any calls?" "Only one...." "You don't want to talk to the Vicar about the buses and the election, do you?" "No.." "The clergy should keep their communist conks out of politics." "Yes.., thats what I said." "Oh, here she comes again." "Where?" "No, no, no." "On the radio." ""Neil Gittons here on Radio Badger."" ""Coming up soon, our nostalgia spot," "We Thought You Were Dead-."" ""But now talking to local vicar Geraldine Granger"" ""who's up in arms about a bus service for Dibley."" ""Well, the thing is Neil, we got a golf course,"" ""wich we need like the Pope needs condoms,"" ""but we haven't had buses for 12 years."" "This is outrageous!" ""You feel your district councillor is responsible." "Councillor Horton."" ""Thats," "H-O-R-T-O-N-" Why wasn't I invited to take part?" ""I should remind listener out there in" "Badger- land,"" ""that Councillor Horton WAS invited to take part in this programme,"" ""but he declined."" "I did WHAT ?" ""According to his election agent, Big David Horton, say, and I quote:"" ""The clergy should keep their communist conks out of politics."" "See?" "I got you word for word!" ""Geraldine, you've got a Big Badger request."" ""That's right Neil." "It's for handsome Hugo,"" ""who wouldn't mind a date with THIS lady."" ""Well, SHE should be so lucky!"" "It had to be, the original, The classic!" "Contraception." "Why didn't I think of contraception?" ""You a Kylie fan, Vicar?" "Of course."" ""Though I like more "grrr!" Less "ooh!"" ""And Madonna?" "I'm a fan of both - the real one AND Jesus' mother."" ""Now it's Ruby Turner..."" ""And we pray that David Horton"" ""stops playing golf long enough to DO something for our village."" ""we agreed during that record that we're not going to talk any more"" ""about David Horton..." "And his abject failure to give us a bus service."" "You were very good." "Oh, ..." "Thanks, Alice." "You've got a special radio voice too." "Have I?" "Yes!" "You put on a bit of an Irish accent." "Really?" "!" "Yes." "And you put a lovely kind of relaxed, motherly tone when you did that lemon meringue recipe." "Did I mention the buses at all?" "Not as much as I'd expected." "Do you know what Alice, I think you find you spent the afternoon listening to Gloria Hunniford." "Oh!" "Excuse me!" "What's going on here?" "We heard you on the radio and we've got a plan." "Placards, please." "Right Captain!" "Wrong way round, Frank." "We thought long and hard about it, and after much disussion and debate, we've decided that Mr Horton is a total Bastard!" "No, no, no, no." "That's right." "So we want YOU to stand for the elections." "Oh, thats Ridiculous!" "I mean," "ONE- I'm not a candidate, and" "TWO- the only official organisations I belong to are The Tufty Club and Take That Anonymous." "We've worked out a campaign song." "# Don't you argue, don't you bicker!" "Vote for Gerry, She's our vicar!" "#" "And Owen been working on a dirty tricks campaign, in case anything turns nasty." "That's right." "We've got alternative placards." "(Remember when poor old Doris Hall got run over)" "(David Horton does)" "And an alternative song." ""In the old days, you'd vote for Horton 'cos you thought you oughta."" ""But remember,"" ""he's not only had your votes, he's also had your daughter."" "Have you told anyone about this?" "Everyone." "Everyone!" "He's as doomed as a virgin on a date with Rod Stewart." "You win, hands down!" "Nonsense!" "D'you really think so?" "Ahem!" "I just wonder if you will be voting for Councillor Horton?" "Horton?" "H-O-R-T-O-N?" "Yes." "Can he depend on YOUR vote?" "No." "Are you sure?" "He's jolly nice." "I am voting for the vicar." "Oh, right." "Well..." "she's jolly nice, too." "Hello, David." "Something wrong?" "Yes." "There IS a tiny hiccup." "Apparently I'm about to suffer the worst election defeat since" "Enoch Powell stood in Brixton on the "whites only" ticket." "And do you know who they're voting for?" "Is it that charming Mr Smewen?" "Bad complexion..." "Not Smewen." "The entirely village is voting for YOU." "ME?" "Little me?" "Silly little me and my dog collar?" "NO, Surely not!" "Actually, I HAD heard a rumour." "But I just ignored it because, after all, ..you are SO popular." "And besides, I didn't think I could stand for District Cuncillor." "Yes, well, If Gyles Brandreth can stand for parliament, who knows what's legal anymore." "Well..." "I tell you this David.." "if this is happening, if for some crazy reason, every single nitwit in this wacky mad village IS going to vote for little old me, it's a looney turn of events, cos I don't want to be a councillor." "Well.." "I'm glad to hear it." "So I'll have to advise my supporters who to vote for." "Mmm!" "Well!" "On the one hand, we've got Kevin Smewen, short, ..face like an international spot convention" "Have as much carisma as a pair of nylon underpants" "BUT with a very good heart." "On the other hand..." "Oh, dear!" "Now..." "Obviously, I SHOULD speak to Clearasil Kev." "But if you and I could come to some arrangement David... if I could run a few policy changes up the flagpole and see if you salute them, undress a few ideas, see if you get into bed and shag'em," "well, maybe, just MAYBE we could come to some accommodation." "How does that grab you, ..Davy boy?" "What exactly do you have in mind?" "Well, diddy!" "We could visit some constituents, make a few election promises." "Vicar!" "Mr Horton." "Hello..." "Letitia." "I thought I'd might just pop round to see if there was anything we Tories can do for you in particular." "Oh, Lovely." "You're just in time for tea." "Oh, Splendid." "Another slice?" "Oh." "Yes." "Please.." "Who would ever have thought that raspberry and roast potato would make such a tasty combination?" "Vicar?" "Eh...no." "I won't." "I wouldn't want to deprive David of his thirds!" "Now, let us see, the other day you mentioned something about a bus for the W.I." "Oh, yes.." "Every year, Mildred and I ask for a small grant for a bus." "Every year we get turned down." "Utter Madness!" "You know how much" "I believe in the Women's Institute." "If the sex change operation were cheaper, Letitia." "I would actually become a woman on my 60th birthday in order to join that fabulous organisation." "Mmm." "Parsnip brownie?" "Bliss!" "I promise you, we will make that grant, provided, of course, I get elected." "Oh, I'll be voting for you." "If that's all right by you Vicar." "Oh, Yes." "Splendid." "Well, I think we must be going." "Ah, Jim, my old mate, how are you?" "Sorry I-I was just taking a little nap." "In your mac?" "No, no, no, no." "Yes, that's right." "We've got this leak in the bedroom, you see." "Ah.." "Yes." "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." "The Tories are absolutly determined to wipe out all bedroom leaks by the end of next year." "...Apparently" "No, no, no." "Oh, good news." "Just let me tell the wife." "Doris!" "Are you busy?" "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "No." "David Horton... and the vicar." "Yes, yes, yes." "YES." "Do they want to come in?" "No, no, no." "Haven't asked them!" "Have you got a pot on?" "Yes, yes, yes, yes." "No!" "But I CAN put one on." "Would you like some tea?" "Mr Horton sir, did I ever tell you about the time I went to the pub and they'd completely run out of crisps?" "Ohh!" "Ha.." "That was MY reaction!" "Pork scratchings, they had hundreds!" "Peanuts, lots." "But crisps, not one." "I mean, not a SINGLE one." "I know you do," "I don't know why you haven't told me this before Frank!" "It's such a winner!" "You think THAT'S a great story!" "You obviusly havn't heard the one about the time, when the milkman was late?" "!" "Look Frank, as much as I would love to stay and listen to more of these riveting tales, I must go." "But I want to assure you that if you vote for me, within 6 months, there will be buses running through Dibley twice a week." "Ahem!" "Day." "Ahem!" "Hour." "I think it's only right." "Oh, that's VERY good news." "Splendid." "So I declare...." "David Horton returned as the district councillor for Dibley and Whitworth." "Thank you.." "Thank you.." "I'm proud.., to carry the conservative commitment to Europe further than ever before." "Dibley will be twinned with, not one...or two... but with every single country in Europe!" "Except Belgium!" "Come in, come in!" "Join the celebrations!" "Oh, Thanks." "Unfortunate it's a bit of a poor turnout." "Father got tempted away by Tory cronies." "But Bruno and I are having a ripping time." "Lovely!" "Twiglet?" "Yes please!" "No I wont thank's." "I always think they taste a bit like dog poo." "Yes.." "Yes they do actually!" "You know Hugo," "I've got high very hopes for your dad this time." "Scratch that crusty surface and you find a kind-hearted man." "Yes isn't he, and I'm told, really very attractive to a.. certain kind of lady." "Yes, It's a shame that we dont get more bald women around here" "Any other business?" "Yes." "Regarding the elections." "You'll be getting MY vote, don't you worry.." "Frank, the election was YESTERDAY." "Ohh!" "I'd like to congratulate our new councillor." "Particularly in light of the promises he made!" "Well..., yes.." "I wanted to talk about that." "Unfortunately, I've been scrutinising our local finances, and I fear.. that it is unlikely we will have the funds for, well.., lets say.." "the Women's Institute or a local bus service." "What?" "!" "I'm terrible sorry." "If anyone is unhappy about this" "You will, of course, have the chance to express your dissatisfaction, democratically, on October 4th." "1999." "Thank you." "Excuse me, I have to go and greet a foreign visitor." "On behalf of you all, of course." "I vote we kill him." "No, no, no, no." "So do I." "I could poison him, if you like." "No-one would ever know." "No." "It's too quick." "Too merciful." "I think we should stretch it out." "Hit him where it really hurts." "Actually increased my majority." "Good news David." "So, the twinning visits will continue." "Absolutely." "I hope you will join me in Spain." "Most certainly!" "You'll enjoy the golf here." "The villagers don't really play, so it's like having my own course." "Morning David!" "Good shot," "Mrs Ballesteros!" "Be hard to match THAT one!" "What are YOU doing here?" "I do belive I'm playing golf... on our PUBLIC golf course." "Oh.." "Damn!" "Looks like we'll be here a while." "What shot are you on, Mrs C?" "Hundred and eleven." "Hundred and eleven..." "Fantasicly good value, golf." "I mean, every hole is practically an hour's entertainment." "Oh, my God!" "Sorry, Vicar!" "Oh dont you worry Frank, a few little holes never did anyone any harm." "We'll go on to the second." "Good idea." "You can join Alice and Hugo." "The rest of the W.I. are on holes 3-12." "Can I just say, David, this is a wonderful facility." "Bonjour, monsieur!" "I mean, all our pensioners could be out here playing every day." "Watch out, Woosnam!" "Oh, Fantastically good shot, Frank!" "That will soon be a bunker!" "You know Vicar, I think we might be able to squeeze a little money for a bus service after all." "I'll need to use one of these very heavy wooden clubs." "For this particular shot...." "Just prepare the ground..." "And maybe a coach for the W.I." "Perhaps I could come round and discuss it sometime Miss Cropley." "Tea-time tomorrow?" "Perhaps not tea." "Lunch then." "I've got a lovely tripe salad." "Actually, I AM sort of free at tea-time." "Splendid!" "All sorted then," "I think that's enough golf for one day, don't you?" "Don't see what you see in it, David." "It's so easy!" "Right, just a short one." "Two nuns in a bath." "One says to the other, "Where's the soap?"" "The other one says, "Yes, it does rather."" "Oh..." "Yes!" "You know Alice, I'm rather surprised you got that one." "Oh, it's Very funny, that." "Why is that funny Alice?" "Well, one of the nuns is deaf, isn't she?" "So the other one says, "Where's the soap?"" "The other one mishears her." "Thinks she said something else." "The other one says, "Yes, it does." That's right, innit?" "Yes...." "You should tell that one to your gran." "Yeah!"