"I'm Steven Stanley, and this is Ghost Cheaters." "ALEX:" "This is another room." "It's a little..." "I don't want to say "haunted," but it's a little haunted." "I'm so broke." "I mean like," "I-had-to-pay-for-my-own-appendectomy broke." "You're our target demographic." "Come here." "Missed you." "Miss you too." "TOBY:" "You know when you think about it, the sun is just like this big, hot, yellow ball in the sky." "Right?" "You are like so deep." "You are like so shallow." "This I would miss." "I wouldn't miss much..." "This I would miss." "ARI:" "Are you going somewhere?" "Nowhere." "I don't know." "Nowhere." "I don't know where my rent is coming from." "My landlord cranked it up like 40% last month." "My student loans are frankly astounding, given how little I seem to have learned." "Y'know," "Lisa's always talking about getting a cat." "You could just move in with us." "Do you purr ever?" "You could sleep at the foot of my bed, lick the dishes clean." "Oh, you kinky whore." "ARI:" "You wouldn't want to live with me anyway." "I hog the covers," "I use all the hot water," "I say I recycle, but I usually don't." "I hardly ever wash my hands..." "I usually just turn the faucet on for a second in case anyone's listening, but I don't actually wash my hands, like ever." " Ew." " Yeah." "It'd never work." "Well besides, I don't want to compete for your heart." "What do you mean?" "What?" "Come on!" "Mmhm..." "When I was growing up, I didn't have any brothers, or dogs, or fathers, so Sam is like all of those at the same time." "Hi!" "Hi!" "Bye." "Bye." "TOBY:" "So, not so much like...a boyfriend." "No." "Not so much." "TOBY:" "Eek!" "ARI:" "Quick like bunnies!" "Good morning." "Uh, we're going to..." "OK." "VET:" "He's hypoallergenic?" "OSCAR:" "Yes." "So, the hip is not getting any better, unfortunately, which accounts for Cooper walking in circles so much, and the licking is also a problem." "So the cone..." "Is to stop the licking." "Right." "The hip replacement..." "The hip replacement?" "The hip replacement will stop the circling, obviously, and so that's what I would recommend." "And uh how much does the hip replacement cost, for my dog?" "Usually it's about $4,500." "But so the walking in circles...it's not hurting him, right?" "TOBY:" "How do you walk in those things even?" "Carefully?" "You are late!" "You..." "look like a hooker!" "Inside!" "Now!" "OSCAR:" "This is a big one!" "Shouldn't be that hard." "Standard corporate interview situation." "ARI:" "Swell!" "TOBY:" "Swell?" "Not that swell." "Medium-swell at best." "We're shooting Oliver Powers." "Oliver Powers?" "!" "Wow!" "Powers Pharmaceutical Oliver Powers?" "Also, like horrible petrochemical Oliver Powers!" "I saw a video of him online where he said "shut the fuck up" to a baby!" "... like, right to the baby's face!" "Thank you for reminding me." "You're not going into the building." "But..." "I'm already in the building." "Yes, but I'm not exposing the CEO of a major corporation to your... hair and earrings and lifestyle." " But..." " Nope!" "Not "but." "Yes, Oscar."" "Yes, Oscar." "You are a champion." "You are the wind beneath my wings." "Now, sit here all day." "So you wanna remember to..." "I know, Ari." "Press the button twice." "This is not my first audio rodeo." "I got it." "I know..." "Have fun?" "I guess?" "You too." "Practice." "BOYD:" "They're late, so I'm not sure what... oh, don't worry about it." "They're here." "I'll just kill them myself." " Hi." "You must be..." " Oscar." "I'm Boyd Clement." "Mr. Powers's Manhattan assistant." "Yale. '09." "Marketing and communications." "with a minor in human pain psychology." "Follow me now." "This is where Mr. Powers will be sitting during the shoot, and he doesn't prefer the left side of his face..." "DANA:" "He doesn't prefer it?" "BOYD:" "Please stop talking." "He doesn't prefer the left side of his face when it's angled like this, so please think of a solution for that before he arrives." "You will have Mr. Powers for exactly 15 minutes, which of course means 10, which is really more like... seven." "So you'll also have to do something about this whole half-assed thrown-together bridge-and-tunnel look you've got going, which I assure you he will find distracting, because who wouldn't?" "Or just don't talk." "Try not to talk." "Just don't talk." "We like...efficiency." "Don't talk." "BOYD:" "That thing you're doing with your mouth, miss just don't do it." "There's simply not enough time." "We like efficiency." "We crave flesh." "Let's get moving, folks." "This one's easy, and if we pull it off, we can do even more Powers Pharmaceutical corporate videos." "Do we want that?" "Do we like getting paid?" "DANA:" "We like...efficiency!" "OSCAR:" "To work, my monkeys!" "Fly!" "LISA:" "This isn't coming out of my next paycheck, right?" "LISA:" "Or my next 30?" "It's on the house." "This is your Pretty Woman Moment!" "Pretty Woman is about a hooker." "Lemme see the back?" "Pretty Woman is about the patriarchal mandate to uphold heteronormative gender roles by supporting capitalism through fancy-dress shopping." "CHRIS:" "Pretty Woman is about supply and demand." "Can I see it from the side?" "SHOPKEEPER:" "Ladies!" "Pretty Woman is a modern-day fairy tale." "We have to be at Tori's by 8:00, and I need a kiddie-pool of wine." "Can't we just buy them all and return the ones we don't want?" "You lesbians are crazy!" "Tori has been our friend forever, and she wants to meet you." "You haven't been officially hired until Tori doesn't hate you." "CHRIS:" "You're our friend and we want to show you off!" "And you need a night off." "You look...haggard." "Hag-gard." "LISA:" "Oh, you noticed!" "There!" "That's better." "They grow up so quickly!" "A manicure wouldn't go amiss." "Right away, sir." "Sorry sir." "OK, we're going!" "Look at her, on her little box and everyhing." "God, and those tiny little shoes!" "Like a doll's shoes!" "I could fit you in my pocket!" "Haha!" "You can't be the director." "Who's in charge here?" "Mm?" "Boyd?" "BOYD:" "Not her, obviously." "Obviously." "BOYD:" "The one with the moustache..." " Oh, I don't care." " OK." "Oscar?" "OLIVER:" "Ooh!" "She speaks!" "What a strident, screechy voice coming out of that mean little mouth." "You could smile, darling." "Someone should give you something to smile about." "No one would notice, of course, because your face would fit onto a coin but" "It wouldn't hurt." " Sir..." " Shut up, Boyd." "Very good, sir." "OLIVER:" "Oh, I beg your pardon." "It obviously does hurt." "That looks like the grimace of a dying madman." "Can we...could we?" "You know..." "What a bore." "What a frightful, frightful bore this is, this boyish, angry little midget and her harem of dunce-mute worker bees." "I do not have time for..." "Cunt fuck!" "SAM:" "I am so sorry!" "BOYD:" "I am so sorry, sir." "OLIVER:" "I think you should be." "What the fuck is going on here?" "Would you like me to leave?" "Yes!" "I'm afraid we don't have time for that sir..." "Well let's just do it." "Let's just shut up, everybody." "Shut the fuck up, Boyd." "Let's just do this." "Are we rolling?" "We're rolling." "Sounds good." "Sydney people are such special, special people." "I remember I spent Christmas in the Sydney office in 1997." "I remember I spent Christmas in the Barcelona office in 1997." "I remember I spent Christmas in the Tokyo office in 1997." "And the office manager...his name was Aito..." "said to me," ""Mr. Powers, why would you possibly want to spend Christmas with us here in Tokyo."" "He was speaking in Japanese, of course." "He was speaking in Spanish, of course." "He was speaking in Australian, of course." "And I said, "Shane." "Shane."" "And I said, "Juan Carlos." "Juan Carlos."" "And I said, "Aito." "Aito."" "Because the Japanese are such a respectful people." "They have such a beautiful, rich, vibrant culture." "Lots of rice." "Very health conscious." "Lots of rice...paella." "Kangaroos." "Origami." "Kylie Minogue." "Penelope Cruz." "Founded by criminals, of course, which..." "Pedro Almodovar." "World War II." "World War II." "Skin cancer." "Sushi!" "Matadores." "Geishas." "Guernica." "I said, "Juan Carlos" ...we were having tapas at the time..." "I said, "Juan Carlos, there is nowhere else on Earth" "I would rather be than here in Barcelona."" "But the main reason I want to spend Christmas in Sydney is there isn't any snow." "...is that there's no snow." "There isn't any snow." "Ahahahaha!" "We laughed." "We laughed." "We laughed." "What a riot." "This is Oliver Powers, personally signing off, and saying, for all your hard work," "Thank you, Copper." "Muchas, muchas gracias." "Arigato." "Arigato." "Powers Pharmaceutical:" "Your body is our business." "Get me the fuck out of here." "Get the helicopter ready, quickly." "Come on, Boyd!" " Mr. Powers, it's been such a..." " No." "What a piece-of-shit misogynist fucklick." "Wow." "OSCAR:" "Check the playback just in case." "Toby, reset the posters." "I'm gonna go home and chop this up and watch my dog walk in circles while I cry myself to sleep." "It's fine." "We're good." "Splendid." "These are the best days of our lives." "Sam, pack it up." "Sam?" "SAM:" "Hang on..." "What are we hanging on for?" "It's here somewhere..." "I know it's here somewhere..." "Very funny, douche." "Pack it up." "We're going home." "What happened?" "I don't know." "The audio is gone." "DANA:" "Let me see." "It's not gone." "It wasn't recording." "DANA:" "It was on standby." "So we didn't get any of it?" "That's correct." "Excuse me." "I don't know what happened." "I think I got distracted, I guess." "Fuck." "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." "Pretty much." "Hey, guys?" "Check it out." "Like, what is even the point of a yo-yo?" "Who is a yo-yo for?" "I'm sorry." "What's up?" "Where's Toby?" "Well, it's not that funny." "She died in jail." " Oh." " Huh." "Chris, did you see where that painting ended up?" "The one from..." "CHRIS:" "From your mom, no!" "It isn't...is it?" "Please, let me show her." "It is too funny." "Please." "TORI:" "It's all you." "You know where the bedroom is." "No, thanks." "That's a nice dress." "Thank you!" "You have a beautiful home." "You make sense, I guess." "Pardon me?" "As their new what are they calling it?" "Oh, you..." "I'm so boring." "I don't know how this works!" "Uh, their new third?" "I don't know what you mean." "Oh, I'm sure you do." "You know, Emma still isn't..." "Have they not made the pitch to you yet?" "Oh, you poor thing!" "I mean, God bless, but it's really not fair the way they..." "[Chris] Oh my god, Tori." "It's perfect!" "Well, anyway..." "Whatever makes them happy, right?" "Toby?" "Toby?" "Do you know how much an appendectomy costs?" "What are you doing?" "Just lying here in the dark for a minute." "Come here." "I'm fired." "What?" "Bullshit." "Really." "Scout's honor." "What happened?" "It's not even..." "Just something happened with the sound, and..." "You weren't even on sound." "No." "Something happened with the mic." "God damn it." "Hey...hey, listen." "Something got fucked up." "I think..." "It's just a thing that happened." "And Oscar needed to... or Powers would've made him fire someone anyways." "Sam was on sound." "Not you." "I told Oscar I forgot to change the battery in the lav." "It's not important." "Why would you do that?" "I'm gonna go home for a while, Ari." "I'll go with you." "No, I mean home home." "Louisville." "Why?" "Don't do that." "I'm not a crazy person, Ari." "I know that." "Being here makes me feel like a crazy person." "Did you know the place I get the best sleep is in the shower these days?" "And I feel like there's something wrong, and the only place I can actually fall asleep is when I'm naked and dumping water all over myself." "I think I'd be less crazy somewhere else." "Look." "OK." "I know you're..." "I know that you don't have health insurance..." "Fifteen thousand dollars." "And getting fired is horrible and scary, especially when it's Oscar, who's already horrible and scary, but you don't have to leave New York, for God's sake." "I know." "You're an adult, with like options, and agency, and I know I sound like Planned Parenthood, but... you could move in with us!" "That is crazy." "Just, please, I'm saying don't go." "Please find a reason to stay." "I'm not done with you yet." "I have a reason to stay, Ari." "I'm just..." "I'm not going to stay." "You can't break up with me." "We're not even dating, you prick." "Did you figure out how to use it?" "No, I don't know how to use the yo-yo." "Well, give me the yo-yo." "My brother used to be able to do all this cool shit with yo-yos." "He was like a professional yo-yoer." "It's yo-yoist." "All right." "Whatever." "But like, see if you can do..." "Well, it..." "I can't." "OK, but..." "You know the thing that people like about yo-yos?" "Which is funny, because it's the easiest thing you can do with a yo-yo, but... the thing people like about them I think is that if you want them to," "they come back to you." "CHRIS:" "You know, the thing is like there are a lot better movies about dogs, right?" "Yes, honey." "You are right!" "Oh, I know I'm right." "I know I'm right!" "They shouldn't call it Queens." "They should call it..." "Princesses." "Your friends seem nice." "But actually they are..." "What?" "You said they seem nice, not they are nice." "Oh, I guess I did." "I guess Tori was actually pretty rude, yeah." " Oh boy." "Chris, wake up, sweetie." " Huh?" "Tori did something rude." "Of course she did; she lives in Brooklyn." "I'm not going to..." "I don't want to have a... sex with you guys." " What did Tori say?" " Exactly?" "Nothing..." "She was talking about your...third, or whatever, Emma, who used to live in your guest bedroom, and..." "I like you guys so much, and I don't want to..." "Please let me still work for you." "Your other friends are so nice." "Tori was just saying that you've done... you do this...you've done this before..." "I don't know." "I just can't..." "I'm not..." "OK please, calm down." "It was super fucked up of her to say any of that shit." "Yes, it was, and whatever she said, I'm sorry but we don't do this." "ALEX:" "You're a friend of ours, Lisa." "CHRIS:" "Truth." "ALEX:" "Emma was also a friend, and she moved in with us, and that... that was something we had never done before." "Together." "Right, yes, as a...a couple." "We had a very nice autumn and an extremely pleasant winter, and then... well, now we don't see her much, and we lost some friends in the divorce." "Like Tori." "Like Tori, who does seem nice, but is in fact not very nice at all." "If you wanted to have sex with us, heaven knows you could." "We have an extra pair of slippers still." "ALEX:" "But we're not some... predatory sex vultures, I promise, OK?" "OK." "Yes, I'm sorry." "ALEX:" "Don't be!" "I'm sorry you had to deal with that." "Homeward Bound is a good dog movie." "My boyfriend wouldn't even mind, I think." "It's just not my thing." "I tried once." "Just not my thing." "You have a boyfriend?" "Hey!" "Hey." "What happened to you?" "Oscar didn't want to wait." "I did the drop-off with Dana." "He said Toby could walk home, um, and he could carry you or something?" "It was rude, but it wasn't cogent." "Hey..." "Congratulations." "What?" "I guess you're the new Toby now, which means you're one step closer to being Oscar." "So... silver lining!" "I'm sorry." "I don't know what happened." "I thought I did everything you told me to do, I really do, Ari." "I know." "It's OK." "Please just yell at me or something." "I feel like shit, just..." "I'm not gonna yell at you, Sam!" "It's not my job to yell at you." "It's just something that happened." "And I'm just gonna forgive you anyway, so..." "What's the point?" "I didn't do it on..." "I believe you." "You are my people." "OK?" "Powers Pharmaceutical." "Winter is coming."