"Long ago in a distant land I, Aku, the shape-shifting master of darkness unleashed an unspeakable evil." "But a foolish samurai warrior wielding a magic sword stepped forth to oppose me." "Before the final blow was struck I tore open a portal in time, and flung him into the future where my evil is law." "Now the fool seeks to return to the past and undo the future that is Aku." "Remember me?" "Watch it!" "Time to go." "Sorry to cut your fight short with those bounty hunter robots but I got a wee problem." "Me wife's been kidnapped." "You are married?" "Aye." "To the most beautiful bonny lass that ever blessed the ground with her footstep." "I must save her before the moon is full." "That is tomorrow night." "Where is she?" "The Castle of Boon." "The Celtic Master of the Hunt plans to devour her." "She's so dainty and sweet and frayed so easy!" "And the Master of the Hunt is so very scary." "Try and calm yourself." "I cannot." "I can't save her on me own." "And I am forbidden by ancient custom to seek help from warriors of me own clan." "I alone am no match for the army of Celtic demons infesting the castle." "But there is a loophole in the ancient custom." "Me clan Druid rolled the bones." "They said:" ""Seek the help of a stranger."" "You're the only stranger I know, and you're as strange as they come, laddie." "And powerful too." "Together, you and me we could save my wife before it's too late." "How can I refuse a friend in need?" "Aye, I knew I could count on you, laddie." "Let's go." "Time's a-wasting." "Where?" "The Highlands." "Where else?" "Me wife has blond hair like spun gold smooth as silk." "Sometimes she lets me brush it." "Her eyes are like the glittering blue sea." "I can stare into her eyes for days." "And her voice would make angels jealous, such divine, melodious tunes." "Her lips, like two sweet roses." "And can she tell a joke." "And she does this thing with her ear." "It makes me laugh." "Did I mention her hair?" "Yes." "We've arrived." "The Highlands." "It's so beautiful, just like me wife." "I just get overcome thinking about her." "How can I live without me bonny wife?" "I suggest we waste no time crying then." "Aye." "I'm coming, sweetie!" "There." "My clan castle." "We can rest there before attacking the Castle of Boon." "I'm back, you Gaul Druid totties!" "Go on." "I'm just here for a wee bit." "Hold fast, laddies." "He's with me." "He's the stranger that will help me." "This one?" "I am honored to meet you all." "What's he doing?" "Don't know." "Maybe he dropped something." "Take a look at them pajamas he has on." "Aye, he's a strange one, all right." "Must be close to his bedtime." "Or he had not done his laundry." "That's enough!" "Let's have a little respect." "But he is wearing a dress." "Shut it!" "And you too!" "This man is the bravest man I have ever known." "We faced Aku's bounty hunters together and together we'll fight the Celtic demons destroy the Master of the Hunt and rescue me wife." "I think they like you now, laddie." "Here comes the food." "This is food?" "Aye." "It's haggis." "And what is haggis?" "Sheep's stomach stuffed with meat and barley!" "Stop!" "Who is that?" "Cathbad, the clan Druid." "What language is that?" "He speaks our most ancient tongue." "Basically, the Druid thinks you're a softy." "So as not to disgrace the clan, you must pass the test of manhood." "Well, what does that mean, "softy"?" "They don't know you like I know you." "Look, you got nothing to worry about." "You'll pass." "What is this test exactly?" "You gotta throw a rock." "You can throw a rock, can't you?" "We're in good shape." "Angus' throw stank." "Just throw this wee stone past Angus', and you'll pass the test." "ls this necessary?" "Aye, I'm afraid so." "But that was his warm-up throw." "Cathbad says I have to find a stronger stranger." "There is no time for that." "Me poor wife will be an ingredient in stew." "No, she won't." "Excuse me." "How many stones do you weigh?" "Twenty stone." "What's it to you, fancy pants?" "You are a mighty fellow." "Aye, that I am." "You did it!" "He said you pass." "l thought it was something like that." "We can go now." "Stranger, stranger, stranger!" "ls your clan always that wild?" "Aye." "That's why I never stay at home." "I'm the mellow one." "You can put me down now." "Oh, no." "I'm carrying you all the way there." "It's the least I can do." "lt is quite unnecessary." "Shut it!" "The Castle of Boon." "All right, let's charge." "Wait, friend. lt will not be that easy." "But there are no guards." "So it would seem." "Celtic demons." "Only seven." "We can take seven easy." "Seven because I tossed a rock." "If we were to assault the castle we would surely be overwhelmed by vast numbers of those things." "Fine." "Then how do we get in?" "If I fall to me doom, tell my wife I loved her." "Are we gonna sneak around here all night, or are we gonna fight?" "It would be unwise to seek a battle before we have secured your wife." "What?" "Oh, no." "We have to get her out of here, laddie." "They're already stirring the broth." "And my wife is gonna be the main ingredient before the moon rises." "If we split up, we could cover more ground." "But we should not separate in case of trouble." "Perhaps, then, we should disguise ourselves as demons." "What do you think?" "l believe I have found your wife." "Where?" "That tower. in the window." "lt's her." "Oh, my beauty." "Come on." "My buttercup!" "My love bunny!" "I'm here to save thee." "Bonny button?" "Muffin." "Don't you "muffin" me, you ripe end of a baboon!" "You disappear without a word for two years, only to show up because I'm kidnapped, leaving me in this sty for a month till you get the gall enough to come save me!" "Wait till the last minute!" "What have you been doing, you pimple-faced dilly worm?" "Some husband you are." "Oh, big warrior." "I think no." "I'll tell you where you've been." "Tossing rocks with your good-for-nothing dullards." "Too busy to save the love of your" "Now I've seen everything." "is this who you've been wasting your time with?" "Some wiry maypole wearing an ugly dress and tasteless slippers?" "I swear on chatelain's mighty chest hairs I've got wooden spoons brighter than you!" "And to think I married the only Scot in Scotland who'd bring a candlestick in a slip to his wife's rescue instead of a whole clan of bumbling brutes." "No, I get just two bumbling brutes." "Well, one bumbling brute and some kind of fashion-inept sheepherder." "But, lovely lump, the Druid said" "The Druid?" "Who listens to a man wearing an ant skull on his head?" "But he" "Shut it!" "Yes, dear." "We should go." "Oh, what a grand idea." "You must be the brains, I suppose." "lt is just common sense." "lt is, huh?" "Well, how are you planning to get me out?" "I hope silently." "Well, I stubbed my toe." "I cannot walk. lt hurts." "Oh, poor sugar pot." "Got any ideas, Aristotle?" "How are you doing, puddle-ducky?" "This rescue stinks!" "I've never been so humiliated in me life!" "I have a dullard for a husband with a scrawny tree for a sidekick." "l'd be better off saving meself." "Forgive me." "You almost dropped me, you gown-wearing fashion reject." "Perhaps if we trade places...." "Aye." "Oh, that's grand." "But does me worm-brained husband care that a stranger can peek up me dress?" "No, he don't care a speck." "ls that better?" "No, you fling-pooed backyard tottie." "Walking with jolts of searing pain coursing up me leg would be better." "Do you think before you open your mush, or does it come out on its own?" "Oh, way to go, boys." "I suppose walking us right into the whole blethering army was part of the plan?" "Well, don't just stand there." "Defend me." "You call that fighting?" "I've seen cranky sheep more vicious." "Oh, I'm sure that hurt them." "Why not give them all a cup of tea and a biscuit to choke on." "You two couldn't fight your way out of a garden party of old ladies." "I've baked haggis more lethal than you." "So many." "is that it?" "Some warriors you two are." "Have any ideas, laddie?" "Resign ourselves to becoming soup." "It's been a high time fighting side by side with you, laddie." "I am honored to die at your side." "Are you two done being sissies?" "Silence." "The moon is full." "Destroy the men and throw the fat female in the pot." "Fat?" "Fat?" "I'm not fat!" "I'm stout!" "Silence!" "impressive." "Aye, that's me wife." "That's it then?" "Now let's go home." "Oh, angel." "Oh, my buttercup, you were grand." "My wee life would be darkness without you." "You're sweet-talking me?" "Aye." "Don't ever stop, love." "Don't ever stop." "Oh, darling." "Oh, you're a sweet man to come rescue me." "I couldn't have done it without me friend." "Come here, laddie." "Meet me wife." "Wife, this is me friend." "l am honored." "Oh, pleasure's mine, sir." "You fight with great strength and passion. l" "Oh, enough of that." "Give me a hug, laddie." "What a nice lad." "A wee bit skinny." "I'll fatten you up with a good helping of me famous haggis recipe." "What is haggis?" "Sheep's stomach stuffed with" "Sheep's stomach stuffed with" "You said it, lassie." "How can I repay you, laddie?" "Friends carry no debts." "Aye." "Invite him to supper, dear." "You're invited to supper." "Seems we must find an alternate way out." "Why?" "This doorway is so very small, and your wife is so very" "What?" "Run!" "Don't squash him, muffin!" "He's a friend of mine!" "[english]"