"Forget about your white Christmas, folks." "This holiday week, it's gonna be a scorcher across the southland." "90s at the beach, triple digits in the valley." "Let's hope Santa remembers to hydrate." "Talk about a soccer mom on steroids." "Internet sensation, Regina Bullock of Downey, also known as face-mask mom, is set to go before a Van Nuys Judge today." "Hey, hey!" "That's me!" "That's my case!" "Bullock told authorities she had no choice but to go after the child who had, according to Bullock, face-masked her youngest child." "Mother's like you are a menace to society." "Oh, no, no, no, I'm not the mom." "I'm the judge." "Boom!" "Yeah." "Oh, sure, send them through security like they're loaded down with knives." "Show me a better kid anywhere." "You know what?" "You can't." "That's right." "Morning, Ray." "Oh, so nunchucks and heroin can just waltz on in?" "Why isn't anyone stopping her?" "Deputy, do me a favor." "don't bother putting the cooler through security." "It's banned." "Sorry, ma'am." "Cooler's not allowed." "It's 5,000 degrees out there." "What am I, supposed to leave a cooler full of ice and juice the back of my van?" "You can leave it here if you like." "Well, I don't like." "I don't like it one bit." "And keep your mitts of my juice." "I know exactly how many are in there." "23." " I had one." " 22." "Judy." "What's up, TW?" "Okay, first of all, bad nickname, it takes twice as long to say that as my actual name." "What are you doing?" "It's like 1,000 degrees in this building." "I've been put in charge of this year's Secret Santa." "Just wanted to make sure that you were still in." "Yeah, but you should've done that like days ago." "Christmas is tomorrow." "Look, I know." "Look, I live in an Indian neighborhood" "Christmas just kind of crept up on me." "Plus, two bailiffs are out sick." "I've had to Purell all the handcuffs by myself." "Look, what do you say?" "Let me think about it." "Yeah, I'm in." "Yay!" "Oh, hey listen, you sound really busy." "I can take that off your hands if you want." "I love Secret Santas." "I can organize everything." "Are you serious?" "Really?" "Yeah, you want it, you got it." " Thanks Judy." " No problem." "All right." "Oh, look, before I forget, we're having a block party in march for Rama Krishna Jayanti." "Look, gonna be real cool." "Very bahut mahan." "Oh, yeah, get your butt out of my yogurt." " Good morning, Judge Wright." " Mm." "As always, totally inappropriate outfit." "Thank you sir." "I got dressed in my truck this morning." "It was touch and go whether I'd have bottoms at all." "Well, we're all grateful you did." "Although, it is unseasonably warm." "Sir, it's Christmas Eve!" "It's too hot." "We shouldn't even be working." "We should be at the beach." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Beach court." "Why isn't that a show on MTV?" "They don't even play music anymore." " It's very upsetting." " Yeah." "So what are you doing for your Christmas adventure this year?" "Knife-throwing?" "Running with the bulls?" "It is not a Christmas adventure, all right?" "Every year on Christmas, I choose to give myself the gift of doing something I've never done before." "Oh, like clothed sobriety." "Well, I tried that once." "I did not like it." "Well, as per usual, you are invited to join me and my family for Christmas dinner." "My son is back from college." " Jesse?" " Yup." "Has he declared a major, yet?" "Yup." "Poetry." "Oh." "Maybe he can come up with something that rhymes with $60,000 a year." "Mm." "Ugh, it's hot in here, too?" "Tedward?" "Down here, Judge." "What?" "What are you doing down there?" "Hot air rises." "Cool air's down here hanging with me." "Look, fact of the matter is, air conditioning is jacked on this side of the courthouse." "No, not again, man." "What is it with these union guys?" "They protect this $60 thermostat like it's that big diamond with magical powers in Impossible." "Is that the plot?" "Well, I don't follow the plot." "I just go to watch Tom Cruise run around in his mom jeans." "So did they give you an ETA of when the A/C's gonna be up and running?" "Well, I filled out two requests, both of them in quadruplicate." "Left three voicemails." "Sent an email." "Still got nothing back." "Look, then I just tried to open a window..." "No." "Ordinance 00-294." "All odd-numbered municipal structures zoned between '46 and '78 windows must be nailed shut due to jumpers." "Why do you know that?" "Dude, my brain is a hoarder." "Uh-oh." "What is on your mind, Judge?" "We got a high profile case with Tom, a heat wave, no A/C, he's gonna object to everything, sweat through his suit, say he's not hot when he is, speak in tongues, maybe not speak in tongues," "and then drop like a drunk girl in Coachella." "Oh, he his definitely gonna speak in tongues and that's gonna be the sweet spot of my day." "Mm." " Let's do this." " Let's do it." "Judge, you're making some mighty private sounds there." "Oh, Tedward, I feel like I'm in a beer commercial, and I never want to leave." "Well, uh, judge responsibly, okay?" "Mrs. Bullock, it's the court's understanding that you've pl..." "All right, look, Mrs. Bullock, whatever, I get it, all right?" "You hear "all rise," you get up, you stand up, you realize I'm the judge you have to stand up for." "What was it?" "Heroin and nunchucks?" "Something like that?" "Anyway, I bear neither grudges nor fools, so we're all good." "But you do have to acknowledge the court." "Regina Bullock, it's the court's understanding that you have pled "no contest" to California penal code" "273-A, misdemeanor reckless endangerment of a child, is that correct?" " Correct." " She hit a kid!" "Objection." "Boo!" "Oh, objection to this." "You, over-ruled." "And the same for you." "And to the shorties in the house, there's no booing, okay?" "And there's no cheering." "And if you think I won't cite a kid for contempt, it's on my bucket list." "Try me." "Counselor, what do you have to say for you client?" "Only that Mrs. Bullock witness her youngest child get face-masked by a much larger child." "Mrs. Bullock then embarked on a brisk walk before gently pushing the larger child to the ground." "The child, Your Honor, who was protected head-to-toe with regulation pads and a helmet." "Objection!" "He's characterizing..." "Sustained." "I saw the video, Counselor, all right?" "Nobody gets 9 million hits on Youtube for doing anything "gently."" "Tedward, can you please do something about this heat?" "You can have my juice, sir." "Fine." "Okay, fine." "Fine." "Let the cooler in." "Yay!" " Hey, Judge." " Hey Judy." "I'm in charge of Secret Santas." "Tedward asked me." "Said he wanted the responsibility to go to someone he finds attractive, blah, blah, blah..." "I don't know, I stopped listening." "Anyway, here you go." "The rule is you have to drop off your gift tomorrow." "No, look, it's Christmas Eve, Judy," "I have no time to shop for gifts." "That's not my fault, that's on Tedward." "Look, there's only one slip left." "If you don't take it, someone doesn't get a present." "No present, imagine the heartbreak." "Do you really want to ruin someone's Christmas like some sweaty, red-glasses wearing Grinch?" "I mean..." "All right!" "I will take it if you stop talking." "I think someone's heart grew three sizes just now." "But Judy, what's the spending limit?" "$50." "Although, you do make four times as much as I do so whatever that means to you." "A little order in the court please, alright?" "Freshen up, settle down, and can you toss me a couple of those juice boxes, please." "Thank you." "Your Honor, in the spirit of moving things along..." "Yes, Counselor." "Given the heat and the fact that the defense has already pled no contest, I'd really like to get to Mrs. Bullock's petition for leniency." "Unless, of course, the prosecution wants to do a whole song and dance about maximum sentencing." "Oh, we do." "100% we want to." "Maximum jail time." "Community service." "Big fine." "Dip into their college funds." "All right, Counselor, please approach the bench." "What?" "College funds, Tom." "You need to cool off." "Will you please have a juice?" "Not from my cooler!" "Don't need it." "No hot." "Why can't you just admit that you are affected by the heat like everybody else." "I'm not affected by the heat." "They are." "This jury is putty in my hands." "Oh, Tom, there's no jury, just a bunch of nubby chairs with mystery stains." "Step away from that thermostat, son." "Wayne Campbell." "Local 617." "Let's see here." "Well, as much as I'd love to help you out, your touchpad's good." "The trouble's with your dial, which is technically a knob." "And that's a whole different union altogether." "Knobs and dials and things like that, that's Dante." "If you see him, when you see him, please tell him of our suffering." "Yes, ma'am." "It's hot, they say." "But I am not hot." "Come with me." "Let's imagine..." "Objection, Your Honor." "Relevance." "Sustained." "Tom, get to the D.A.'s recommendation, please." "Let's imagine ourselves in a depression-era" "Mississippi courtroom." "I'd rather not." "Look, go down to the basement." "See if you can find this Dante guy," "I'd rather not do that either." "Oh, I see." "Okay." "You're bringing out the look." "And this mother guy is a child misdangerer." "Endangerous." "Misdangerment." "Okay, he called me a mother guy." "You got that right?" "I get everything." "I don't even try." "All right, the district turttorney needs a little tail time." "Oops, you lost me." "And speaking in tongues, check." "Tom, if you can still hear me, don't hit your head on the way down." "He's down." "Let's recess." "One hour lunch, please." "Tedward, I can't believe you're afraid of the basement." "You know what, Judge, I am not afraid of basements, okay?" "I do not like basements 'cause they're hotbeds for murder and the occult, okay?" "And, look, let me tell you, it's not fear." "That is knowledge, okay?" "That's knowledge... you know, how..." " Afraid?" " Okay." "That is a poor choice of words, Your Honor." "Put that thing away, it's a basement!" "Yeah, exactly!" " It's freezing in here!" " Oh, A/C!" "Judge Jordan?" "What the..." "$100 buy-in." "Oh, we didn't come to play." "Okay." "Okay." "So let's see, I see poker chips, cards, cash, booze, gambling." "No, look, the only crime that I see is that a bunch of you are wearing parkas in a basement while it's 110 degrees up in my courtroom!" "Parkas?" "I got boob sweat." "We don't wanna catch colds." "Are you trying to catch a hand to the back of the face?" "Huh?" "Y'all do realize she's a judge, right?" "Oh, hey, what's up, Your Honor?" "Oh, "what's up"?" "I'll tell you what's up, Barry White." "Which one of you's Dante?" "I'm looking for Dante the knob guy." "I'm Dante." "You need a knob." "I already know." "Relax." "You're already on the list." "Oh, I'm on the list?" "Really?" "The... you know what's not on your list?" "Is that four-five off suit and the flop's a Jack-queen." "I'm doing you a favor." "Tedward, show 'em how we do." "All rise, Dante." "All rise!" "Get your velvety voice-ass up too." "All rise." "Court is now in session, the honorable Rebecca Wright," "Judge presiding." "Please be seated and come to order." "Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely and talented, Dante." " Woo." " Thank you." "No last name, apparently." "Counselor, your client." "Before you sentence me, can I just say..." "Uh, can I just say something?" "I'm a mother, you are a mother..." "No, she's not." "Not a mom." "Thank you, Tom." "Welcome." "It's a well-known fact." "People say it all the time." "Especially Oprah." "You know, back in when she was "Oprah" Oprah." "Being a mother is the hardest job on earth." "Well, I would tell all those different versions of Oprah, and anybody else, that they should watch" "World's Deadliest Catch 'cause that's actually the hardest job." "Since you're not a mom, you're not exactly qualified to say, are you?" "Well, I'm not an Alaskan crab fisherman, and it looks very dangerous and very exhausting from my couch." "Well that's because that's how they edit it." "And that's what people do to me." "They make me out to be this crazy-ass face-mask mom, but I am a good mother, okay?" "Objection, irrelevant." "We're not here to determine the quality of face-mask mom's mothering." "Stop calling me that!" "Sustained." "Tom, there's a puddle forming under your chair." "Just be aware." "And the prosecution is correct." "We are here because Regina Bullock willfully chased and tackled a child." "However, it is the court's opinion that she did not intend great bodily harm or death." "Therefore, there will be no jail time served." "Mrs. Bullock, will you please stand for sentencing?" "I'm sensing a lot of hostility here." "Wh... what?" "Counselor?" "No one's gonna question me, I will question myself." "Bible please?" "Mrs. Bullock, that's not necessary." "Okay, well, it's happening." "Whole truth, nothing but the truth," "Bible, Bible, Bible... that's all I know." "Okay, that little boy over there, that is my son." "Someone grabbed him by the face-mask and swung him." "Okay?" "Like a big fat purse." "Where is the Youtube of that?" "I will ask you." "I'd..." "I'd tackle that kid all over again." "And only I'd do it higher and harder." "Probably somewhere near the kidneys, you know?" "Really give it to him." "Mrs. Bullock, please meet me in chambers." "Objection!" "Girl talk." "You cannot say that you would willingly harm a child." "It makes it very difficult for me to go easy on you." "This office is a mess." "You live like a goat." "Look, I can put jail back on the table." "Don't cross your arms at me." "Fine." "Okay, now you look like an angry cartoon character." "Seriously, you should have steam and smoke coming out of your ears." "Sit down." "What happened to you?" "I mean, why are you so tightly wound?" "Your Honor, my entire life is devoted to my children." "It's why I get up every morning." "And three months ago, my husband walked out on us for the girl at the genius bar." "Fixed your iPad, broke your home." "I'm sorry, please continue." "So a bomb has gone off in their lives and there is literally not one thing I can do about it." "So, yes, maybe I try to protect them from everything else." "I see." "And look, I saw that video, that little douchebag did have it Ming." "But still, he's a child." "Well, you just called him a douchebag." "Yes, but I'm not on trial here." "You know, tomorrow is the first Christmas that I won't be with my kids." "They'll be spending it with their dad and the stupid genius." "She's not even a good one, you know?" "She had to ask the supervisor for help." "That's tough." "But look, look." "Maybe this is an opportunity for you to do something fun for yourself." "I mean, when's the last time you really let your hair down and had fun?" "I don't know." "Oh, three days ago I renewed my subscription to Cooking Light." "I paid full price." "Wow, still riding that high, huh?" "Mrs. Bullock, I may never fully relate to what drove you to tackle that boy." "When it comes to a mother's instinct to protect her children, I'm certainly no genius." "Genius?" "Really?" "Poor choice of words." "All right?" "I hereby sentence you to six months counseling." "The first card, you will find Dr. Gary Boyd." "He specializes in divorce and family counseling." "The next card, there's an address written on the back." "You're to report there tomorrow morning." "10 A.M. sharp." "Wait, tomorrow morning is Christmas." "Well, I happen to know that you have no other plans." "So ho-ho-ho!" "'Cause I know you and I'm pretty sure that you forgot about Secret Santa..." "Oh, my God!" "You're right." "Yeah, uh, just a reminder, that, uh, stores close early." "Especially if you're shopping for someone who might want Gucci loafers in a men's size 11." "Just saying." "An 11." "Mall race, Sherman oaks galleria." "Ask for Paul." "Hmm?" "You get that?" "Merry friggin Christmas!" "Oh, God." "Why have you lured me to your home?" "This feels like the beginning of a Dateline story." "Well, I'm probably not gonna murder you." "But every year on Christmas, I do something fun and new, and this year, you are doing it with me." " All right?" " Oh, okay." "That actually sounds worse than being murdered." "So this is your big present to yourself?" "You've never been to the beach before?" "Here, drink that." "Oh, no, thank you." "It's not optional." "This is a court-ordered shot." "Merry Christmas, Regina." "Bottoms up." "Merry Christmas." " Okay, all right." " Woo!" "So there I did your shot of Tequila on the beach on Christmas day." "I feel like a new woman." " Woo!" " So can I go home now?" "No, no, no." "We're not going home." "We're going in." "I'm sorry, in the water?" " Yeah." " No, sir." "It's December, it's gonna be freezing." "No, no, that's what the Tequila was for." "Warms us up." "Oh, no." "Well, I don't have a bathing suit." "So there's that." "It doesn't matter." "It's a nude beach." "Oh, no." "Under no circumstances..." " Yeah!" "Yeah!" " Are you crazy?" "We, desperate times call for desperate measures, okay?" "The state of California is ordering you to take your clothes off, all right?" "So strip." "You're asking me to drink alcohol and strip publicly?" "That's right." "If you were a fraternity, they would take away your charter for hazing." "If I were a fraternity, I would have burned to the ground a long time ago." "Ready?" "Not at all, no." "One... two... three!" "We're doing it!" "Oh, my God!" "It's freezing!" "Oh, my God." "I haven't done anything like this in ages." "And I love it!" "It's amazing!" "And our bosoms just touched." "Woo!" "I feel like I just witnessed a water birth." " Yeah!" " Yeah." "That feels better." "Good!" "Woo-hoo-hoo!" "Wait..." "This isn't a nude beach, is it?" "No." "It's not." "Merry Christmas." "Oh, relax." "No one's been shot." "Just a couple of naked ladies." "Thank you, Rebecca." "You know, I didn't think about my kids once?" "Really?" "No, I thought about them the entire day." "Except for that 20 minutes where I couldn't feel half my body." "I should thank you for coming along." "I have officially skinny dipped in all five of the oceans." "Wow." "And the moat at the mini golf castle." "Yeah." "I think we might have traumatized that family." "Yeah." "I don't... no, I actually think bought the mermaid story." "From Judge Hernandez?" "Hmm." "Hey, Judge." "What are you doing here?" "I got Judy for my Secret Santa." "What are you doing here?" "I got Judy, too." "That's weird." "Really?" "That is weird." "Wait, what are you guys doing here?" "Oh, is this like a party?" "'Cause I cannot stay for more than like, an hour." "No, we both got Judy for Secret Santa." "No, wait..." "I... you got Ju..." "I got Judy!" " Wait a minute." " What?" "We all got Judy a present?" "You know, they say it's better to give than receive on Christmas." "But I say that is a bunch of malarkey." "So hand them over." "I gotta give you credit." " Thank you." " Judy!" "Jesus, be careful with this." "Tippy spent like an hour." "I know." "Mom, Jasmine, Ezekiel!" "Santa dropped off for presents." "It's a bold move, but I have to say, I like her style." "Is Ezekiel her cat?" " Maybe they're all her cats." " Even Mom?"