"SIX MORAL TALES" "MY NIGHT AT MAUD'S" "Have mercy on us all." "With the Virgin Mary, blessed mother of God, the apostles and all the saints, may we share eternal life and glorify you through your beloved son Jesus Christ." "Through Him, in Him and with Him, in the unity of the holy Spirit," "all glory and honor is yours, almighty Father, forever and ever." "Let us pray." "mindful of our savior's bidding, we take heart and say:" "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name..." "deliver us, we pray thee, Lord, from every evil, past, present and to come, and through the intercession of the blessed and glorious ever-virgin Mary, of thy blessed apostles Peter and paul, of Andrew and all the saints," "grant peace in our day, so that, with thy merciful help, we may be ever free from sin and safe from all disquietude." "Through Jesus Christ, thy Son, our Lord, who lives and reigns with thee in the unity of the holy Spirit," "God for ever and ever." "The peace of the Lord be always with you." "And with your spirit." "Lamb of God... who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us." "behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world." "Lord, I am not worthy to receive thee under my roof, but only say the word and my soul will be healed." "It's 6:30!" "We came to a tight curve." "We were doing over 100, despite the speed limit." "The car zigzagged back and forth, but we made it somehow." "See what's in store?" "Where do you live?" "In the Chanturgue hills." "I was lucky enough to find a place to build a little house there." " Among the vineyards?" " That's right." "And where do you live?" "We're almost neighbors." "I Iive just south of you." "No, northwest." "It's just a small apartment, but it's quiet." "It's impossible to live here in clermont these days." "What about you?" " I Iive in Ceyrat." "Isn't that a bit far?" " Not really." " Nice place, Ceyrat." "The roads get real icy up there." "They haven't been yet." "It's actually a friend's place." "He's working abroad." "That Monday, December 2 1st," "I suddenly knew, without a doubt, that Françoise would be my wife." "" They began as though they did believe, with holy water and masses, etc." "You too may follow that way to unthinking belief." " That's what I fear." " Why?" "What have you got to lose?" "It's the way to diminish the passions, which are your stumbling blocks."" " You staying here for Christmas?" " definitely." "But I'II be visiting family for New Year's." "Come skiing." "They're forecasting snow." " It never snows at Christmas." " My friends have already been skiing." "I was joking." "I spent some time in Canada " "Ah, right." "Protestant countries make a big thing out of Christmas." "families stay indoors and don't even know if it's snowing." " Are you Protestant?" " Yes." "And you?" "catholic." "My family was catholic, and I kept it up." " VidaI!" "You're here in clermont?" " You too?" " Let's get together sometime." " How about now?" "Good-bye." "Have a good vacation." " Are you teaching at the university?" " Yes, philosophy." "What about you?" " May I?" "I've been with michelin since October." "I'm just back from South America." "Strange we haven't bumped into each other." "I go straight home to Ceyrat at night." "I eat out occasionally, but I prefer to cook at home." "social life abroad was hectic." "I need a little solitude." "I can leave." "No, I meant I'm not trying to meet new people." "people here are like anywhere else." "But I'm delighted I ran into you." " You're not married?" " No." "You?" "No." "I mean... no." "I'm in no hurry." "But a bachelor's life isn't much fun in the provinces." "What are you doing tonight?" " Nothing." "How about dinner?" "I'm going to Léonide Kogan's recital." "Come along." "I've got a spare ticket." "I don't feel like listening to music tonight." "AII CIermont will be there." "Lots of pretty girls." "Your students?" "There are very pretty girls here, but you don't see them around much." "I'm sure you'II knock 'em dead." "I've never knocked anyone dead." "Very well." "I'II go, but just to prove you wrong." " mineral water." " Orange juice." " You come here a Iot?" " almost never." "And you?" "I've never set foot in here before." "And yet our paths cross right here." "How strange." "On the contrary." "Our ordinary paths never cross." "Therefore, the point of intersection must be outside those ordinary paths." "I've been dabbling in mathematics in my spare time." "It'd be fun to calculate our chances of meeting in a two-month period." "Can it be done?" "It's a matter of data and how you handle it." "Provided the data exists." "obviously, if I don't know where a person lives or works," "I can't work out the odds of running into them." "Are you interested in mathematics?" "It's increasingly important for a philosopher." "In linguistics, for example." "But even basic things." "pascal's arithmetical triangle is connected to his wager." "That's what makes pascal so amazingly modern." "Mathematician and philosopher are one." " Good old pascal." " You surprised?" "Funny you mention him." "I'm just now rereading him." "And?" "I'm very disappointed." "Go on." "I'm really interested." "Oh, I don't know." "I feel I know him almost by heart, yet he tells me nothing." "It all seems so empty." "I'm a catholic, or at Ieast I try to be, but he doesn't fit in with my notion of catholicism." "It's precisely because I'm a Christian that his austerity offends me." "If that's what Christianity is about, then I'm an atheist." "Are you still a Marxist?" "absolutely." "For a Communist, pascal's wager is very relevant today." "personally, I very much doubt that history has any meaning." "Yet I wager that it has, so I'm in a PascaIian situation." "Hypothesis A:" "Society and politics are meaningless." "Hypothesis B:" "History has meaning." "I'm not at all sure B is more likely to be true than A." "More likely the reverse." "Let's even suppose B has a 10 percent chance of being true, and A has 80 percent." "nevertheless..." "I have no choice but to opt for B, because only the hypothesis that history has meaning... allows me to go on living." "Suppose I bet on A, and B was true, despite the lesser odds." "I'd have thrown away my Iife." "So I must choose B to justify my Iife and actions." "There's an 80 percent chance I'm wrong, but that doesn't matter." "mathematical hope." "potential gain divided by probability." "With your hypothesis B, though the probability is slight, the possible gain is infinite." "In your case, a meaning to life." "In pascal's, eternal salvation." "It was Gorky, Lenin or maybe Mayakovsky who said about the Russian revolution that the situation forced them to choose the one chance in a thousand." "Because hope became infinitely greater if you took that chance than if you didn't take it." "Let's get together tomorrow." "It's Christmas Eve." "I'm going to midnight mass." "Want to come along?" "Why not?" "I was to spend it with a friend, but she may be involved in family problems." " It was just a casual offer." " No, I'd really like to." "I can't see her before midnight anyway." "She has to go get her daughter." "She's divorced." "We could both call on her after mass." "The happiness I wish for you this Christmas, the happiness I seek for you with this mass that we celebrate together, is a new and profound joy." "It's not the joy of times past, of childhood memories, of Christian customs piousIy maintained, but a living joy, a joy for today." "This birth we celebrate is not only the birth of Jesus." "It's our birth." "Something should be born in each of us tonight." "Every man and every woman is asked tonight to believe in a fresh, pervasive joy... for at this night's core lies the guarantee of our hope." "We can't visit her tonight." "Her ex was in town." "They had financial matters to settle." "She's exhausted and went to bed." "We'II go tomorrow." " No, I don't know her." "You'II get to know each other." "She's a remarkable woman." "There aren't many like her." "You'II both be delighted to meet each other." "Don't get ahead of yourself." "She's lived a secluded life since her divorce." "She feels out of place in her own crowd." "She's a pediatrician." "Her ex is a doctor too." "He was a professor here." "Now he's in montpellier." "She's... very beautiful." "Marry her." "No." "I mean, we discussed it." "But we don't get along well on a day-to-day basis." "But we're still the best of friends." "I asked you to come because otherwise I know she and I will make love." "Then I won't go." "No, do." "We'd only be doing it to pass the time, and that's no solution for either of us." "Besides, I'm a puritan, as you know." "More than me?" "Much more." "Good evening, Teresa." "Such affection!" "You're in rare form." " We haven't seen other in ages." " A whole week." "Have a seat." "So you haven't seen each other in 15 years?" "About 1 4, really." " And you recognized each other?" " At once." "He hasn't changed." "You neither." "Two cases of protracted adolescence." "Is that a criticism or a compliment?" "Neither." "A simple statement of fact." "Yet we've led very different lives." "He's had lots of adventures." "tell me more." "No, it's just that I spent a Iong time abroad." "In the wilds?" "No, in very bourgeois cities." "Vancouver and VaIparaìso." "VaIparaìso is bourgeois?" "At least, the people I mixed with were as bourgeois as people you might meet in Lyons or MarseiIIes." "Or here." "One's always condemned to the provinces." "I shouldn't say " condemned." I actually prefer them." "But you want to leave CIermont." "Not the place - the people." "I'm tired of the same old faces." "Even mine?" "I've decided to go." "If you love me, follow me." " What if I did?" " I'd be very upset." "Is this any way for a professor to behave?" "Very well." "Let's be serious." "How was Christmas?" " excellent." "My daughter was in seventh heaven with all her presents." " What did you do?" " I went to midnight mass." " I knew it." "You'II end up a priest." " He dragged me there." " Not really." " No, I went willingly." "Are you a catholic?" "I mean, a practicing catholic?" " He doesn't look it, does he?" " Yes, he does." " I can picture you as a boy scout." " I was never that." "Yet I was a choir boy." "You'II end up a priest, I tell you." "I must say, you both stink of holy water." "What about a drink?" "Nothing?" "really?" "What about you?" " A little scotch." "I was never baptized." "She comes from a great family of free-thinkers." "But you know, Maud, your sort of irreligion is another form of religion." "I know that, but I have the right to prefer it." "Had my family been catholic, I might have lapsed, Iike you, whereas I'm faithful." " It's easy to be faithful to nothing." "It's not nothing." "It's another way of looking at problems." "It has its principles, sometimes very strict ones, but it's free of preconceived notions " " We know the patter." "Don't be rude." "girls like you make me turn papist." "I don't like people without problems." "Because you're abnormal." "You should get psychoanaIyzed." "Besides, I do have problems." "Very serious ones." "I understand being an atheist." "I'm one myself." "But Christianity's inherent contradictions are fascinating." "dialectic does nothing for me." "You've read pascal, at Ieast." "" Man is a thinking reed." "The two infinities."" " " CIeopatra's nose."" " He's certainly not my favorite." " Then I'm the odd man out here." " Why?" "Haven't you read pascal?" "I've read him." "He hates pascal, because pascal Iashes out at phony Christians like him." "Is that true?" " He's the quintessential Jesuit." " Let him defend himself." "I don't like pascal because he has a very particular conception of Christianity, condemned by the church, by the way." "His Pensées wasn't condemned." "But Jansenism was." "And he hasn't been canonized." "Good point." "Let someone else get a word in!" "You're such a pain!" "You were saying?" "Nothing." "No, I think there's another way to look at Christianity." "As a scientist, I respect pascal, but his condemnation of science shocks me." " He didn't condemn it." " At the end of his life he did." "That wasn't exactly a condemnation." "I mean, he didn't say " "I'm not expressing myself well." "For instance, our talking distracts us from what we're eating." "We neglect this excellent Chanturgue wine." "My first taste of it." "Drunk only by the best CIermont families." "If you say so." " old catholic and Freemason families." " That's enough now." "pascal probably drank Chanturgue, since he was born here." "I wouldn't criticize him if he'd abstained." "I'm in favor of abstinence." "You could say I'm against giving up Lent." "It's just that pascal paid no attention to what he drank." "Even when he was ill and had to follow a diet of finest-quaIity food, he never remembered what he'd eaten." "His sister GiIberte wrote how he never said, " This is good."" "well, I say, " This is good!"" "As a Christian, I say not to acknowledge what's good is evil." " Your argument's a bit thin." " Not at all." "It's very important." "Another thing about pascal that deeply shocks me:" "He said marriage was the lowest state in Christianity." "I find it pretty low too, but not for the same reasons." "But pascal's right." "You probably want to get married." "I do too." "But as a sacrament, marriage ranks below priesthood." "I was thinking precisely of that at mass the other day." "There was a girl in front of me " "I should go to mass to find girls." "They can't be any worse than at your party meetings." "Your words reveal your true nature as a petit bourgeois." "That's right." "What about the pretty girl?" "I didn't say she was pretty." "well, she was quite pretty." "actually, it was a young woman, with her husband " " Or lover." " Stop it." " They wore wedding rings." " You took a good look." "well, you see, it's hard to find the proper words." "I'II stop now." "You're laughing at me." " Not at all." "I think it's great to be obsessed with marriage." "It's entirely a function of your age - our age." "That Christian couple was sublime." "What you mean is:" "religion enhances a woman." "Yes, and I see nothing wrong in that." "religion enhances love, but love enhances religion as well." "What are you doing out of bed?" "AII right, come over here." "This is Marie." " What do you want?" " Can I see the lights on the tree?" "Now?" "Give me a kiss." "See?" "Are they pretty?" "Is that enough?" "Happy now?" "Good." "Now, back to bed." "Come on, sweetie." "Good night, everyone." "There must be some pascal around here." "Even in a Freemason's home." "What did I tell you?" "Isn't there a specific reference to mathematics in the part about the wager?" "" If there are not infinite chances of losing compared to winning, do not hesitate." "Stake it all." "You're obliged to play, so renounce reason if you value your life."" "exactly." "That's mathematical hope." "It's always infinite with pascal." "" unless the probability of salvation is nil, since infinity times zero equals zero."" "So the argument is meaningless for a confirmed nonbeIiever." "But with the slightest grain of belief, it becomes infinite again." "Then you must back the odds." "Yes, if I believe there's any probability and that the gain is infinite." "And do you believe that?" "Yet you stake nothing." "You give up nothing." " Sure, I give up some things." " Not the Chanturgue wine." "It plays no part in this." "Why should I give it up?" "What I don't like about pascal's wager is the calculated exchange," "like buying a lottery ticket." "Let's call it choosing." "You have to choose between the finite and the infinite." "When I choose the Chanturgue, I'm not rejecting God." "That's not the choice." "What about girls?" "girls, maybe." "But not women in general." "Not the way I see it." "You still chasing after girls?" "You used to." "When I met him, he was quite the ladies' man." "You met me when I was ten." "I meant when we parted ways, after graduation." " You don't know what you're saying." " Don't I?" "What about Marie-HéIène?" "What a memory!" "I have no idea what became of her." "She became a nun." " Who's this Marie-HéIène?" " A friend of mine." " His mistress, to be precise." " really?" "I won't deny I've had " mistresses," to use his term." "So there've been several?" "I'm not here to tell my Iife story." "He's not my confessor." "I'm 34, and I've known quite a few girls." "I don't claim to be a model for anyone." "Besides, that proves nothing." " I'm not trying to prove anything." "Yes, you are." "I shock you, I know." "I've had affairs with girls I Ioved and thought of marrying, but I've never just slept with a girl." "It's not a moral stance." "I just don't see the point of it." "Yes, but let's suppose that on your travels you met a lovely girl whom you knew you'd never see again." "There are circumstances in which it's difficult to resist." "I won't say God, but fate has kept me from such circumstances." "I've never been lucky with amorous fIings." "remarkably unlucky." "I'm generally unlucky, but I've had my share of one-night stands." "Once in italy with a Swedish girl, once in poland with an english girl." "Those two nights are perhaps the most beautiful memories of my Iife." "I'm all for affairs on journeys or at conferences." "At least they're free of bourgeois clinging." "In principle I'm against them." "But since no such thing has ever happened to me " "But it could." "Be serious now." "If it did happen, I take it you'd play along." "I was talking about the past." "You're really pushing me to drag up the past." "I chased some girls, but the past is the past." "But if tomorrow, or tonight, a woman as lovely as Maud, an amorous woman, suggested or made it clear " " You're not funny." " Let me finish." "He's completely drunk." "Must be the Chanturgue, don't you think?" "Let's hear your answer anyway." "In the past, yes." "Now, no." "Why?" "I told you:" "I'm a convert." "Conversion really does exist." "Read pascal." "I may be tactless, but I trust my intuition." "This conversion of his strikes me as highly dubious." "I sensed something odd about him." "Sometimes he seems miles away." "As if he were thinking of someone." "Not something." "Someone." "I wouldn't be surprised if he were in love." "That's news to me." " blonde or brunette?" " I believe he prefers blondes." "tell us." "It's nothing to be ashamed of." "I'm not in love." "tell us." "In return I'II tell you my Iife story." " That could take a while." " Over several sessions." "There is no one." "I Iove no one." "Period." "Is she in clermont?" "Which implies she exists somewhere." "I said no because she doesn't exist at all." "Even if she did, I have every right not to tell you." "We're not being very nice." "No, I'm enjoying this more than you imagine." "Stop drinking." "I don't want to drive you home." "You wouldn't have to anyway." "He'd do it." "My friends, here's what I propose:" "As I've been quite exhausted, the doctor has ordered plenty of rest in bed." " The doctor being you?" " Who else?" "But I'm not throwing you out." "please stay." "That's an order." "I'm not sleepy, and I enjoy company around my bed." " What about in it?" " Not you, that's for sure." "It'II be like a salon from the olden days." "That's why I sleep in here." "I hate bedrooms." "I'm going." "I'm tired." " You can't do this to me." " She wants to sleep." "Are you kidding?" "It's all part of her little game." "I think she's up to something." " Such as?" " You'II find out." "Stay." "You're drunk." "I don't want to be rude." "I'm going to go." "I admit they dressed more elegantly for salons." "You just wanted to show off your legs." "precisely." "My only means of seduction." "only?" "Come now." "Let's say your principal means." "I'm a terrible exhibitionist." "It just comes over me." "Look all you Iike." "It's all real." " careful you don't break your neck." "Is that a sailor's shirt?" " Yes, the real thing." "practical and warm." "But I take it off before I go to sleep." "I always sleep naked." "I don't see how people can wear things that get so twisted around." "You need to sleep more soundly." "Take a sedative." "They're very bad for you." "I only prescribe them as a last resort." "Move down so I can stretch my legs." "I Iove feeling your toes through the bedspread." "It should make you feel better too." "Sit down." " Now, what were we talking about?" " girls." "His girls." " That's right." "He was going to tell us his adventures." " No, you were." "You really shock me." "Me?" "He's the one who told all these stories." " Say it's all lies." " No, it's not " "I thought a true Christian remained chaste until marriage." "I don't pretend to be a good example." "Anyway, between theory and practice " "I know boys who've never slept with a girl." " bald men or hunchbacks." " Not necessarily." "I don't set myself up as an example, and it was in the past " "Don't get angry." "The fact is, I Iike you a Iot." "No, really." "I Iike your frankness." "Such as it is." " Do I really shock you?" " Very much." "It bothers me to hear you say that." "My Christianity and my love affairs are different, even conflicting matters." "Yet they coexist in the same person." "It's a rather stormy coexistence." "This may come as another shock, but pursuing girls does not estrange one from God any more than pursuing mathematics, for example." "Oh, but it does!" "Coming back to pascal, not only did he condemn good food, but at the end of his life, he even condemned mathematics." "I'm actually more - No." "You're more PascaIian than me." "Maybe." "Mathematics turns you away from God." "It's a useless, intellectual diversion - worse than other diversions." "Why worse?" "Because it's completely abstract, and thus inhuman." "Whereas women..." "I'd Iike to write about pascal and women." "He was very interested in women, but in fact we don't know if his Discourse on Love is apocryphal..." "could you open the window?" "It's smoky in here." "or whether he even "knew" women." "" Knew" in the biblical sense, though I find that a stupid expression." "" To know someone in the biblical sense."" "It's snowing." "It looks phony." "I don't much care for snow." "It's phony kids' stuff." "I detest things that remind one of childhood." "Because you have a deeply twisted mind." "Back to bed now." "You'II catch cold" "Go to bed yourself, you brute." "It's late." "I'II be going." " Where do you live?" " Ceyrat, but I have my car." " You'II get killed." " I'm not afraid of a bit of snow." "It's most dangerous when it's faIIing." "A friend of mine was killed that way." "I've been traumatized ever since." "You can sleep in the next room." "please, or I'II never get to sleep from worrying." "I think I Ieft my window open at home." "The snow must be pouring in." "I should go." " I'II go with you." " No, you stay." " I'II give you a call." " Did you forget about tomorrow?" " That's right." "What time?" " Noon." " What about your daughter?" " She'II be with her father." "will you come with us?" " Where?" "A trip with friends to the mountains." "Lunch at an inn." "It'II be even nicer in the snow." "I really am used to driving in snow." "There's absolutely no danger." "This type of snow is very treacherous." " I'II go so you can get some sleep." " Stay for a moment." "please." "You really want me to?" "AII right, go home." "Good-bye!" "I'm just confused." "I'd been warned that " "Don't be angry, but I was told that people here are overly polite." "There's some truth to that, but at the moment that describes you." "I mean what I say." "If I want you to go, I'II say so." "You did say so... but I'II stay for a moment." " You really do shock me." " So you've said." "No one's ever disturbed me as much as you have." "religion has always left me cold." "I'm neither for nor against it." "But people like you prevent me from ever taking it seriously." "AII you're really worried about is your respectability." "Staying in a woman's room after midnight - that's just terrible." "The fact your staying might comfort me when I'm feeling a bit lonely, the fact we might go beyond convention and make real contact, even if we were never to meet again - none of this would ever occur to you." "I find that stupid, and not very Christian." "It's got nothing to do with religion." "I just thought you might be tired." "Do you still think so?" "No." "You see I'm still here." "What bothers me about you is that you dodge the issue." "You refuse to assume responsibility." "You're both a shamefaced Christian and a shamefaced Don Juan." "That's a bit much." " That's not true." "I was in love." "That's very different." "I've loved two or three women in my Iife." "Okay, maybe four." "I lived with each of them for several years." "Maybe I wasn't madly in love." "actually, maybe I was." "And they loved me back, though I don't mean to boast." "No false modesty." "I mean, I don't think love can be real unless it's mutual." "That's why I believe in a certain predestination." "My affairs were fine, and it's fine that they fizzled out." " Did you end them?" " No." "And neither did they." "It was circumstances." "You should have overcome them." "These couldn't be overcome." "I know, you can always overcome things, but it wouId have been pointless, quite senseless." "No, it was impossible." "Sometimes it's better that things be impossible." "You understand?" "Very well." "It strikes me as quite human, but not very Christian." "But as I said before, Christian or not is not what matters." "Let's set religion aside for now." "Women have taught me a Iot, morally speaking." "I know "women" sounds " " A little vulgar." "It would be idiotic to generalize from individual cases, but each girl I met posed a new moral challenge that I'd been unaware of or never had to face concreteIy before." "I was forced to assume certain attitudes that were good for me, that shook me out of my moral lethargy." "You could have concentrated on the moral and ignored the physical." "But the moral aspect would never even have arisen if " "Oh, sure, you can always do anything." "But the physical and the moral are inseparable." "Let's face it." "Perhaps it was a snare set by the devil." "Then I fell in it." "Yes, in a way I fell right in it." "Otherwise I'd be a saint." " Don't you want to be a saint?" " Not at all." "Can I believe my ears?" "I thought every Christian was to aspire to sainthood." "What I mean is, I can't be a saint." "What a defeatist attitude." "What about grace?" "I ask that grace might let me glimpse the possibility." "rightly or wrongly, since not everyone can be a saint," "I'm apparently among those who cannot." "Given my nature, my hopes, my potential, even my mediocrity and my haIfheartedness - which I know God spurns " "I can achieve, if not bliss, at Ieast a certain justness" "in the scriptural sense of the term." "I'm a man of the times, and religion acknowledges the times." "I'm by no means a Jansenist." " I never said you were." " You or VidaI did." " He talks rubbish." " To get a rise out of me." "He was really loaded tonight." "I've never seen him like that before." "would you pass me my cigarettes?" "Do you know each other well?" "We hadn't seen each other in 1 4 years, but we were very close at one time, even after high school." " You weren't very nice tonight." " Not very nice?" "Oh, I can be mean too." "Very mean." "The poor man will lie awake brooding about the two of us together." " He insisted on leaving." " Pure bravado." "You can be a bit dim sometimes, can't you?" "Didn't he tell you he was in love with me?" "He said he admired you and felt great friendship for you." "He's very discreet." "He's actually a very nice guy." "But he lacks humor - in how he lives his life, I mean." "I know I make him suffer, but I can't help it." "He's not my type at all." "I was stupid enough to sleep with him once casually." "I'm very hard to please when it comes to men." "It's not just the physical aspect, and he's smart enough to know that." "I know why he brought you here tonight." "To test me?" "No, I doubt that." "No, it's more that he wanted some reason to hate and despise me." "He likes to look on the black side." "Anyway, where were we?" "You're really not sleepy?" "Not at all." "And you?" "You're really sure?" "I'd tell you if I was." "It's been ages since I talked like this to anyone." "It feels good." "still, it strikes me that you've got a very tortuous mind." "Tortuous?" "I thought a Christian was judged by his deeds." "You don't seem to attach much importance to them." "Oh, but I do." "Enormous importance." "although what counts for me is not one deed, but an entire life." "Every life is made of whole cloth." "By that I mean I've never had to ask myself," "" should I sleep with this girl or not?"" "I simply chose ahead of time a certain way to live." "could you please get me a glass of water?" "although it's disappearing now, one thing I dislike about the church is this bookkeeping aspect, good deeds versus sins." "Purity of heart is the important thing." "If you're really in love with one girl, you don't want to sleep with another." "There's no problem." "Why do you laugh?" " No reason." "So it's true then." " What?" "You're in love." "In love?" "With whom?" "I don't know." "The blonde." "The one and only." "Have you found her?" " No." "I already told you." "Stop being so secretive." "Do you want to get married?" " Like everyone else." " More." "Admit it." "Why are you so anxious to marry me off?" "Maybe I'm a matchmaker at heart." "Some women are." " And I flee them like the plague." " So how will you meet your wife?" "I don't know." "A personal ad." "" Engineer, 34, catholic, medium height..."" "" ...good-Iooking, has car and seeks blonde practicing catholic."" "You've given me an idea." "Lots of people get married that way." "No, I'm just kidding." "I'm in no hurry." " You want to sow more wild oats." " No, certainly not." "So if you found her today, you'd marry her on the spot and swear eternal fidelity." "absolutely." " You sure you'd be faithful?" " Of course." " What if she was unfaithful?" " If she loved me, she'd be faithful." " Love isn't eternal." " My sort of love is." "If there's one thing I can't understand, it's infidelity." "If only out of seIf-regard, I couldn't go back on my word." "When I take a wife, my love will stand the test of time." "If I stopped loving her." "I'd despise myself." " You're right." "That's seIf-regard." " I said it might be." "Not " might be." It is." "So you don't allow for divorce?" "So you damn me outright." "Not at all." "You're not a catholic." "I respect all religions, as well as people who have none." "I'm speaking for myself, that's all." "I'm sorry if I offended you." "You didn't offend me." "Why did you divorce?" "I don't know." "well, actually I do." "We just didn't get along." "It became clear very quickly:" "a simple matter of temperament." "Maybe you could have worked it out." "My ex is a very fine man in every respect." "I'II always have the highest regard for him." "But he got on my nerves at a very deep level." "In what way?" "Was he like me?" "No, you don't get on my nerves at all." "It would never have occurred to me to marry you, even in my wildest youth." "But you lived together." "You had a daughter together." "So?" "Do you think bickering parents are good for a child?" "Besides, there was something else." "You sure you want to hear my Iife story?" "I had a lover, and my husband had a mistress." "curiously enough, she was your type:" "very upstanding, very catholic." "Not hypocritical or calculating." "Very sincere." "Even so, I hated her like poison." "I think she was crazy about him." "He has that effect on women." "I was crazy about him too." "I tried everything to break it up." "It was my one good deed." "I don't think she would have married him." "That's why I was amused when you spoke of insurmountable circumstances." "I suspect she thought the same way." "And your lover?" "Ah, well." "It just proves how unlucky I am." "When I actually have a chance to succeed, it doesn't happen." "I was sure I'd found the man of my Iife." "Someone attracted to me, whom I found attractive in every way." "Another doctor, very brilliant, full of passion for life." "I've never known anyone... whose sheer presence was such a joy." "He died just like that, in a car crash." "He skidded on the ice." "That's fate for you." "Is it still snowing?" "That's all in the past." "What's done is done." "It's been a year now." "You've become pensive." "I'm sorry if I spoke lightly earlier." "I'm always taking a wretchedly selfish point of view." "Your point of view interests me." "Otherwise I'd have said good night long ago." "It's late." "Where's this room you mentioned?" "Nowhere." " There's no other room?" " Sure there is." "My office, my waiting room, my daughter's room, the maid's room." "The maid is Spanish and very prim." "Did VidaI know this?" "Of course." "That's why he left in a huff." "Don't be childish." "Lie beside me." "On the spread." "Or under it, if I'm not too repulsive." " I'II take the armchair." " You'II end up twisted into knots." "Are you afraid?" "Of yourself?" "Or me?" "I swear I won't touch you." "Besides, I thought you had seIf-controI." "May I take this blanket?" "would you please turn out the lights?" "Idiot." "You're going to be cold." "I'II see." "No!" "I prefer people who know what they want." " Leaving without saying good-bye?" " Just getting my coat." "Don't see me out." "You'II catch cold." "will you come along this afternoon?" "please do, or VidaI will chatter on." "Be a sport." "You really want me to?" "Besides, it won't just be us." "A girl you might like will be there." "A blonde." "So you'II come then?" "At noon?" "AII right, I'II try." "Coffee, please." " Did I wake you up?" " How are you?" "Wanna come skiing?" "I'm leaving in half an hour." "No, I'm meeting " "I know I should have some line, but they always sound so stupid." "How can I get a chance to know you?" "You'd know better than me." "No, otherwise I wouldn't have followed you against all my principles." "One shouIdn't go against one's principles." "But I do sometimes." "Do you?" " Yes, but I'm sorry afterwards." " I'm not." "And if I abandon my principles, it's for something really worthwhile." "Anyway, I have no principles." "I mean, about " "How to get to know people?" "I mean, it's silly to miss out on meeting someone just because of principles." "Assuming the person in question is worth meeting." "We'II find out." "You're not the type to leave things up to chance." "No, my Iife's made up of nothing but chance." "I don't get that impression." "That thing looks dangerous in this weather." "I'm used to it, and I only use it in town." "I take the bus home." " Where do you live?" " SauIzet, near Ceyrat." "When can I see you again?" " Next time we meet." " We never will." "Yes, we will." "How about tomorrow?" "I didn't see you last Sunday." "I stayed home to work." "That was an exception." "Good." "And we'II have lunch together afterwards." "Maybe." "We'II see." "Good-bye." "Hurry now, or you'II catch cold." " We're going!" " We'II meet you at the car!" "Okay." "You look Ukrainian!" " I hope those two hurry up." " You never know." "Good thing you came." "Otherwise I'd have been a third wheel with those two." " Did you think I'd come?" " Why wouldn't you have?" "I nearly didn't, but I keep my promises." " Are you sorry you came?" " Not at all." "I've never had such a good time." " really?" " Can't you tell?" " I feel so good with you." " You'd feel better with the blonde." "Who?" "VidaI's blonde?" "absolutely not." "One chooses the lesser of two evils." "Your lips are cold." "So are yours." "I Iike it." "In keeping with your feelings." "True." "That was a strictly friendly kiss." "If only it were." "Don't you believe in my friendship?" "I don't know you." "True, we haven't even spent a full 24 hours together, yet I feel like I've known you for ages." "Don't you?" "Maybe." "We got down to intimacies very quickly." "I can't seem to stop talking these last few days." "Like I need to pour my heart out." "You need to get married." "To whom?" "Your blonde." " She doesn't exist." " Is that so?" "What if I were to marry you?" "What do you say?" " I don't meet the requirements." " What requirements?" "blonde, catholic." " Who said blonde?" " VidaI." " He doesn't know." " catholic, in any case." " Yes." " See?" " I might convert you." " Fat chance." "especially you." "Is the answer yes?" "Look how well we go together." "We're perfectly at ease with each other." "Why not?" "You're as good as VidaI." "But you wouldn't marry him." "God forbid!" "Though I've done stupider things in my Iife." "He seems resigned to the situation." "He'd better be." "I wonder what got into him yesterday." "actually, he pushed you into my arms to protect himself." "But I'm not in your arms." "A mere detail." "You've cured him." "You did a good deed." "That way your conscience is clear." "It is anyway." "There they are." "How about a drink?" "No, I have shopping to do." "It's the maid's day off." "will you come with me?" "We can have dinner afterwards." " I have to leave by 10:00." " 9:30." "I need my sleep." "I'II call you." "shall we get that drink?" "Are you in a hurry?" "It was nice of you to call." "Are you leaving tonight?" "You still have some pajamas and things here, you know." "Okay, I'II keep them." "They could come in handy." "You know who that was?" "My husband." "He's really very nice." "He's found me a practice in toulouse." "A very attractive offer." "Did you know I was leaving CIermont?" "Yes, you mentioned that." "When?" "Sooner than I expected." "In about a month." "Wasn't that nice of him?" " Of your husband?" "My ex-husband." "He's a very nice man." "Too bad we couldn't get along." "He came on business and to see our little girl." "Did he remarry?" " Why do you ask?" " No reason." "So you're leaving me?" "You know what I think?" "These 24 hours we've spent together now are both a Iong time and no time at all." "Not even an entire day." "You were unfaithful to me this morning." "I hate leaving people." "I'm faithful, even to you." "ideally one should never have to leave people." "One shouIdn't be obliged to forget." "One should love one girl and no other, not even pIatonicaIIy." "especially not pIatonicaIIy." "Thanks to you, I've taken a step on the path to sainthood." "As I said, women always aid my moral progress." "Even in the whorehouses of Vera Cruz?" "I've never been to one there, in VaIparaìso, or anywhere." " I meant VaIparaìso." " You got a match?" "Anyway, it might have done you good both physically and morally." "You think so?" "You idiot." "What bothers me is your lack of spontaneity." "I've laid my heart bare." "What more do you want?" "I don't much care for this business of love with conditions attached." "I didn't specify any conditions." "I said one should love one woman only." "That's not a condition." "It's not that." "I mean your way of calculating, planning ahead, classifying." ""Above all, my wife must be catholic." "Love will follow in due course."" "Not at all." "I just think it's easier to love if there are shared beliefs." "For exampIe, I couId marry you, but love would be lacking." "From your side as well as mine." "You'd really marry me?" "Were you married in church?" "Then in the eyes of the church, you weren't married." "We could marry in grand style." "It'd make me a bit uneasy, but no need to be holier than the pope." "You're such a Jesuit." "I have to laugh." " So I'm not a Jansenist?" " I don't get that feeling." "Good." "Jansenists are a mournful bunch." "You're a happy soul, in spite of appearances." "I'm happy around you." " And around others?" " A drag." "really." "If I'm happy with you, it's because we'II never meet again." "Now I've heard everything!" "The thought of the future needn't depress us, since we have none." "Yes, but surely we'II meet again sometime?" "Maybe not... or very rarely." "Is that a premonition?" "Just a logical deduction:" "You're leaving." "Not right away." "And I'm going to be very busy." " Business or love affairs?" " Love affairs, of course." "So it's true." "I Iove teasing you." "Anyway, you'II be the Iast to know." "So there's something to know." "If it makes you happy." "shall we talk on the phone?" " You call me." " AII right." "See?" "Just this morning we spoke of chance." "You recognized me from that far off?" "Even with 10-to-1 odds against, I'd have stopped." "well, it is me." " You going home on that?" " I missed my bus." " I'II take you." " please don't bother." "I insist." "It's too dangerous in this weather." "Besides, it's on my way." "Get in." " What do you study?" " biology." "But I also work in a lab." "That's why I'm not off on vacation." "Do you Iike the work?" "I was good at math, but I couldn't see teaching or being an engineer." " What about medicine?" " No, that's no job for me either." "You really live in the country." "No, it's in a village, a house rented to students." "There on the right." "careful." "It's bound to be icy." "You're right." " Can we make it?" " I'm afraid not." "What shall we do?" " Don't be afraid." " Watch out for the wall." "I'm afraid I'II get stuck." " I'm stuck." "I can't move." " We can walk the rest of the way." "Everyone's away." "You can sleep in a spare room." "will you come?" " Is it far?" " No, right there." "You think I can leave the car like this?" "No one can get through anyway." "We'II get help tomorrow." "careful, it's slippery." "This is my place." "So..." " Do you smoke?" " No, but go ahead." "I don't have a match." "would you Iike some tea?" "I'd love some." " Can I help?" " No, don't bother." "There's nothing to it." "I make very good tea." "One of my rare talents." "AII right." "Go ahead." "Where's the tea?" "Don't put it in yet!" "I thought you had to let it boil." "It's nice here." "It feels homey." "I've got a furnished place... with a kitchen I hardly ever use." "Think I couId rent a room here?" " It's full." "And it's students only." " Boys?" " Boys and girls." "It's not boarding school." "Then I'II enroll at the university." "Sign me up for next year." "Have you been in clermont long?" "Three months." "I work at MicheIin." "Before that I was in Canada and chile." "I had doubts about coming here, but I Iike it." "CIermont's not a depressing place." " The town or the people?" " The town." "I don't know the people." "Are they nice?" "The few I know." "Otherwise I wouldn't know them." "Do you see them often?" "At the moment I'm a bit lonely, but that's just due to circumstances." "Why?" "external circumstances." "Friends who went away." "It's of no interest." " To you or me?" " You." "But you must have colleagues at work." "I don't make friends easily." "I think it's silly to be friends with someone just because he works with you." "Don't you agree?" "In a way, but " "No, you're right." "Was I wrong to approach you?" "No, but I might have sent you packing." "The fact you didn't just shows how lucky I am." "Maybe I was wrong not to." "It's the first time I've let anyone approach me on the street." "It's the first time I ever approached a stranger." "Good thing I didn't stop to think." "I'd have gotten cold feet." "The water's boiling." "Let me do it." "I enjoy it." "You're laughing at me." "No, I'm learning." "That's not much." " You like it strong?" " Not too strong." "people always put in too much." "It's crucial to let it brew for seven minutes." "That long?" "It says so right on the container." "Don't you ever read the instructions?" "You'II poison yourself one of these days." "Do you mind me going on about my luck?" "No, and you don't go on about it." "Yes, I do." "I Iike to make the most of chance opportunities." "But I'm only lucky with worthy causes." "I doubt I'd have any luck committing a crime." "So you have no problems with your conscience?" "Very few." "Do you?" "I'm the opposite." "Success makes me slightly suspicious." "That's called sinning against hope." "Very serious." "Don't you believe in grace?" "But that's not grace." "Grace isn't about material success." "I'm not necessarily talking about material things." "If grace is given to us merely to shore up a clear conscience, if it's undeserved, just an excuse to justify everything " " You're quite a Jansenist." " Not at all." "unlike you, I don't believe in predestination." "I believe we're free to choose at every moment of our lives, even if God aids us in our choice." "I make choices too." "It just so happens that my choices are always easy." "That's been my experience." "Sugar?" "Choices don't have to be agonizing, but they can be." "You misunderstand me." "I don't just choose what happens to please me." "It seems to be for my moral good." "For instance, a girl I Ioved didn't love me, and she married another." "In the end it was good she married him and not me." "Yes, if she loved him." "I mean good for me, because I didn't really love her." "He left his wife and children for her." "I had no wife or children to leave." "But she knew that if I'd had a family, I wouldn't have left them." "So my misfortune was really a stroke of luck." "Because you have principles that took precedence over love." "She knew that for you the choice was already made." "But I had no choice to make." "She left me." "Because she knew your principles." "But if she'd had a husband and children and wanted to leave them for you, then you'd have had to choose." "No." "Luck was on my side." "It's getting late, isn't it?" "I'II show you your room." "TRUE AND FALSE CONVERSION, OR ATHEISM DEBATED" "Excuse me." "I still have no matches." "They're on the mantelpiece." "Keep them." "It's 9:30." "Come in." "Did you sleep well?" "It was tough at first." "It's late." "Did you forget your rendezvous?" "With a girl." "At church." "That's right." "It's Sunday." "I have to see to my car." " We'II get someone to help." "I should clean up at home first." "You're fine as you are." "Come and have some tea." "It's a good thing I brought you home." "Despite your rough night?" "You mean I Iook that bad?" "Why are you laughing?" "No reason." " You seem the cheerful type." " I am." "Aren't you?" "Not terribly." "Depends on who I'm with." "I feel very comfortable with you." "Françoise, do you realize I Iove you?" " Don't say that." " Why?" "You don't know me." "I'm never wrong about people." "I might disappoint you." "Don't say that." "Let's go." "Christianity is not a moral code." "It's a way of Iife." "It's an adventure, the most splendid adventure of all:" "an adventure in sanctity." "I don't shut my eyes to the fact... that one must be mad to become a saint," "and that many of those now canonized... were wary of the path unfolding before them," "this progression that carried them along to holiness." "But beyond our fears... we must have faith in Our Lord, Jesus Christ, a faith that surpasses the wildest hopes of man, a faith that simply reminds us that God loves us, and that this man, this saint," "that we are asked to become, this man is, on the one hand, governed by the difficulties of Iife, of existence, of living the life of man, with his passions, his weakness, his tenderness." "But on the other hand, he wants to follow Jesus Christ." "Is the doctor there, please?" "Gone for good?" "She'II be back on Friday?" "Thank you." " How are you?" " You know each other?" "It's a small town." "Anyway, why haven't you called, you so-and-so?" "I tried you two days ago." "I was in toulouse until yesterday." "I have a message for you:" "Our lady friend is leaving." " Is she gone?" " Not yet." "I went to check out toulouse with her." "We just got back." "She'II be leaving again soon, without me." " When?" " Tomorrow, I think." "Everything came together very quickly." "Is she at home tonight?" "I'II give her a call." "Happy New Year." " You know him?" " He's on the philosophy faculty." " You don't take philosophy." " It's a small town." "Anyway, we hardly know each other." "Is he a friend of yours?" " An old school pal." " What have you got against him?" " Nothing." "We hardly know each other." "That's all." " What would you wish for?" " That we'd always known each other." "Me too." "Though I feel like I've always known you, that you've always been a part of my Iife." "feelings can be deceptive." "So what if they are?" "Besides, I know I'm not wrong." "Kiss me." "You don't want to kiss me?" "What's wrong?" "Nothing." " You're acting strange." " No, I'm being sensible." "Listen, Françoise." "I'm 34, you're 22, and we're acting like 15-year-oIds." "Don't you trust me anymore?" "You think I'm not serious?" "You are, yes." "well, then?" "I have a lover." "You have a lover... now?" "I mean, I did until recently." "You love him?" "I did." " Who is it?" " You don't know him." "Don't worry." "It's not VidaI." "Did he leave you?" "No, it's more complicated than that." "He's married." "You know I respect you and your independence." "If you don't love me " " Are you crazy?" "I mean, if you're not sure." "But I am." "You're the one I Iove." "What about him?" "I Ioved him." "I was crazy." "I couId say I've forgotten him, but you can't ever really forget someone you've loved." "I saw him just before you and I met." "Do you see him often?" "No, he left CIermont." "It's all over." "We'II never see each other again." "Listen... we can take as much time as you'd Iike." "But if you think I Iove or respect you any less now, you're wrong." "First, because I have no right to judge." "And also because I must say..." "I'm glad." "It's true." "I felt a bit conscience-stricken myself." "I've had affairs, some of them Iong-Iasting." "This way we're even." " But they weren't married." " So?" "And it was far away, in America." "I have another confession:" "The very morning we met," "I'd just left a girl's place." "I'd slept with her." "Let's never bring the subject up again." "Okay?" "Let's never talk about it again." "It's you!" "Have you been here long?" " We just arrived." "You're the Iast person I expected to run into." "But we come here every year." " You haven't changed." " Neither have you." "Do you know my wife?" "Yes." "I mean, by sight." "congratulations." "Why didn't you send an announcement?" " I didn't know your address." " You could have called before I Ieft." "I think I tried." "No use lying." "I have an excellent memory." "You deserted me shamelessly." "Anyway, you must have had your reasons." "I'II catch up." "So it was her." "How strange." "I should have guessed." " " Her"?" " Your wife, Françoise." "I never spoke to you about her." "Not much, you didn't!" "Your fiancée, the blonde catholic." "I have a good memory." " But I didn't even know her then." "Why lie?" "I met her the very day after that evening at your place." "Evening?" "Night, you mean." "Our night." "You never stopped talking about her." "Has she mentioned me?" "You're just as secretive as ever." "well, Iet's not stir up those cold ashes." "That was all long ago." " It's amazing." "You haven't changed a bit." " Neither have you." "And yet it all seems so long ago." "No longer than anything else, really." "By the way, I got married again." " congratulations." "Thanks, but none called for." "It's not going well." "I don't know how I manage to have so little luck with men." "It's nice to see you again... even if it was to find out " "Enough." "I'm boring you with all this." "will you be here long?" "No, we're leaving tonight." "Do you ever visit CIermont?" "Never." "Do you visit toulouse?" "Never." "But who knows?" "Maybe in another five years." "Yes, in another five years." "Hurry now." "Your wife will think I'm telling you awful stories." "She sends her regards." "She and her husband are catching the boat tonight." "I didn't realize you knew each other." "When she left CIermont, I'd only just met you." "She says we haven't changed." "Neither has she." "It's amazing how little people change in five years." "I couldn't pretend not to recognize her." "Besides, she's a very nice person." "You know... when I met you, I'd just come from her place, but " "I was about to say, "But nothing happened"" "when I suddenly realized that Françoise didn't fear what she might learn about me, but something I might have discovered about her, something which was only dawning on me at that very moment." "So I said instead..." "Yes, she was my last fling." "Strange running into her of all people, isn't it?" "I find it quite funny." "Anyway, that was long, long ago, and we said we'd never bring it up again." "That's right." "It's of absolutely no importance." "shall we go for a swim?" "How about a swim?"