"Monica, that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever." "It was so good." "I think you killed us." "I couldn't possibly eat another bite." "I need something sweet." "Does anyone want to watch TV?" "Monica, your remote doesn't work." "You have to lift it and point." "Oh, forget it." "Let's play that game where everyone says one thing they're thankful for." "I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having." "Very nice." "The other day, I was at the bus stop and this lovely fall breeze came and blew this chick's skirt up." "Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs." "The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks" "It's not so much an underpant as a feat of engineering." "It's amazing how much they can do with so little material." "And they play with your mind." "Is it there?" "Is it not there?" "Are you aware that you're still talking?" "Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?" "I don't know." "Am I more thankful for my divorce or my eviction?" "And I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything." "I'm sorry." "This is the worst Thanksgiving ever." "I am the king of bad Thanksgivings." "You can't swoop in with your bad marriage and take that away from me." "You're not going to tell about your parents' divorce again, are you?" "Come on!" "I want to hear it." "It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out." "It's a tradition, like the parade." "If the parade decided it was gay and abandoned its family." "Now, Chandler, dear just because we're getting a divorce doesn't mean we don't love you." "It just means he would rather sleep with the houseboy than with me." "More turkey, Mr. Chandler?" "Every time you tell that story, that guy's accent gets thicker and thicker." "So are he and your dad still together?" "No." "After they got their own place, the houseboy got his own houseboy." "Should have heard his accent." "You're right, yours is worse." "You're the king of bad Thanksgivings." "I've got one that's worse." "Really?" "Worse than, "More turkey, Mr. Chandler?"" "Did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler?" "Yes, mine's worse!" "More bandages!" "More bandages!" "Please, can I get some more bandages in here?" "This man is..." "In this life, Phoebe." "Oh, this life." "Oh, okay." "No, Chandler's is worse." "It must be cool remembering stuff like that." "I don't have any past-life memories." "Of course, you don't, sweetie." "You're brand-new." "I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving." "Let's not tell this story." "I know!" "It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head." "Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?" "It's not like it sounds." "It's exactly like it sounds." "What's going on?" "Oh, my God!" "I know!" "It's stuck!" "Step." "How did it get on?" "I put it on to scare Chandler." "Oh, my God!" "Monica's going to totally freak out!" "Help me get it off!" "Plus, it smells really bad in here." "Of course it smells bad." "You have your head up a dead animal's ass." "Did you get the turkey...?" "Oh, my God!" "Who is that?" "It's Joey." "Is this supposed to be funny?" "It's not supposed to be funny." "It's supposed to be scary." "Get that off now!" "I can't." "It's stuck!" "It has to feed 20 people." "They're not going to eat it off your head!" "Hold on." "Let's just all think." "I got it!" "You pull." "I'll spread the legs as wide as I can." "Now is not the time." "Count to three." "One two three!" "It worked!" "I scared you!" "I knew it!" "I'm here, big guy." "Yeah, you are!" "I scared you!" "You did look like an idiot." "I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot." "Remember when Ross tried to say "butternut squash" and it came out, "squatternut bosh"?" "Yeah, that's the same." "That's it." "That's my worst Thanksgiving." "That can't be the one Rachel meant." "She didn't even know that happened." "So, what's yours?" "I really don't want to tell this story." "Reliving pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving's all about." "For me, anyway." "And, of course, the Indians." "Of all people, you do not want me to tell this story." "What is that supposed to mean?" " Monica, I think Rachel's here!" " I'll get it!" "Happy Thanksgiving!" "Not for me." "Chip and I broke up." "Why?" "What happened?" "My parents are out of town, and Chip was going to come over." "And you were going to give him your "flower."" "Monica, can you just call it sex?" "It really creeps me out when you call it that." "And by the way while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his "tenderness."" "Believe me." "Happy Thanksgiving." "Everyone this is Chandler." "My roommate and lead singer of our band." "This is Monica." "I'm Ross' little sister." "I'm so glad you could come." "We've got plenty of food, so I hope you're hungry." "Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food." "I'm so glad you brought him here." "I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner." "As long as the Pilgrims didn't eat it." "Damn it!" "Does it feel weird around here now?" "You know, since I've been away at college?" "Not really." "That's cool." "So that's Rachel, the girl you've been writing all those songs about?" "Might want to rethink the Iyrics to "She Feels Weird Since I've Been Gone."" "I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson!" "I am never going out with him again." "I don't care how much he begs." "His begging days are over, now that he's with Nancy Branson." "I've just had it with high-school boys." "They're just silly." "They're just silly, stupid boys." "I'll start dating men." "I'm sorry, Judy." "I couldn't find that bowl you and Jack were looking for." "Call them Mom and Dad, you loser." "Did you like the macaroni and cheese?" "It was great." "You should be a chef." "Guess what." "All this stuff about Nancy being a slut was all a rumor." "Chip dumped her, and he wants to come over to my house!" " That is so great!" " I know." "Oh, gosh." "Listen, if you and Chip do it tonight promise me you'll tell me everything." "Totally." "It's not that big a deal." "We already kind of did it once." "But now you'll definitely know whether or not you did it." "I know." "And Chip promised that this time it'd last at least for an entire song." "I'm thinking of asking Rachel out tonight maybe playing her that song we wrote last week." ""Emotional Knapsack"?" "Right on!" "But don't take long." "We're testing our fake ID's tonight." "Right, Clifford Alvarez?" "Listen, Roland Cheng if things go well, I may be out with her all night." "Dude, don't do that to me." "It's cool, you can stay here." "My parents won't mind." "It's not that." "I just don't want to be stuck here with your fat sister." "Why don't you finish off these pies?" "I don't have any more room in the fridge." "No, thank you." "Judy, you did it." "She's finally full!" "I called you fat?" " I don't even remember that." " Maybe it'd jog your memory if you guys played a little bit of "Emotional Knapsack."" "I'm so sorry." "I really am." "I was an idiot back then." "I rushed the stage at a Wham concert, for crying out loud!" "I can't believe you called her fat." "I can't believe you let George Michael slap you." "I am really sorry." "That is terrible." "I'm so sorry." "That's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about." "Yes, it was." "No, it was actually..." "Thanksgiving's over." "Let's get ready for Christmas." "I have the cutest Christmas story." "We want to hear Monica's story." "Mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but, you know, whatever." "You changed your major again?" "I had to." "There was never any parking by the psychology building." "Love your new nose!" "Dr. Wolfson's an artist." "He removed my mole cluster." "Want to see?" "No!" "Please, let me." "Happy Thanksgiving." "Your hair sure is different." "We were just talking about that." "We can't believe how stupid we used to look." "Where's Monica?" "She's upstairs." "Come down, everyone's here!" "Ross, Rachel and the boy who hates Thanksgiving." "Oh, my God!" "What's the matter?" "Is there something on my dress?" "You look so different." "Terrific." "That dress, that body..." " Dude!" " Sorry." "Yes, she's thin." "It's wonderful." "But we really want to hear about Ross' new girlfriend." "Her name is Carol." "She's really pretty and smart." "She's on the lacrosse team and the golf team." "Can you believe it?" "She plays for both teams." "So I guess I'll see you at dinner." " Dude!" " Sorry." "Oh, my God!" "That was so awesome." "You got him back for calling you fat." "He was drooling all over you." " That must have felt so great." " It didn't." "Yeah, I mean, I look great." "I feel great, and my heart's not in trouble anymore." "I just don't feel like I got him back." "I just want to humiliate him." "I want him to be naked, and I want to point at him and laugh." "That, we may be able to do." "How?" "Guys tend to get naked before they're going to have sex." "What?" "I didn't work this hard and lose weight just so I could give my flower to someone like him." "First of all, if you keep calling it that, no one will take it." "And then second of all, you're not going to have sex with him." "You'll just make him think that you are." "I'll throw him out in the yard, lock the door and all our neighbors will just humiliate him!" "You'll definitely get him back." "How do I make him think I want to have sex?" "Here's what you do." "Just act like everything around you turns you on." "What do you mean?" "Anything can be sexy." "Like this dish towel." "This feels so good against my cheek." "And if I get a little hot, I can just dab myself with it." "Or I can bring it down to my side and run it through my fingers while I talk to him." "I can do that." "Good, good, good." "Get busy." "He's coming." "Hey, what's up?" "Could you make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year?" "I'd love to." "I love macaroni and cheese." "I love the way this box feels against my cheek." "And I love carrots." "Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers." "Like this." "And hold them down here while I talk to you." "And, you know, if I get really hot I like to pick up this knife." "And I put the cool steel against my body." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "Twenty-year-old male." "He's got a severed toe on his right foot." "Could you please not do that feet first?" "You know where his injury is." "Severed toe, you just said it!" "It says the knife went through your shoe." "They're made of wicker!" "Did you bring the toe?" "I have it right here on ice." "Toes on Ice, coming soon to Madison Square Garden." "Save your strength, man." "Don't worry, son." "We'll just reattach it and then..." "What is it?" "You brought a carrot." "This isn't your toe." "This is a small, very cold piece of carrot." "You brought a carrot?" "Oh, my God!" "There's a toe in my kitchen." "I'm sorry!" "I'll go get it!" "All we can do now is sew up the wound." "Without my toe?" "I need my toe!" "I can go really fast!" "Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche." "I'm not falling for that one." "That's why I lost my toe?" "Because I called you fat?" "I didn't mean to cut it off." "It was an accident." "That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-a-lot?" "I'm sorry." "It wasn't your whole toe." "Yeah, well, I miss the tip." "It's the best part." "It has the nail." "Sir Limps-a-lot." "I came up with that." "You're a dork." " I can't believe this." " I said I was sorry." ""Sorry" doesn't bring back the piggy that cried all the way home." "It figures that something like this would happen today." "I hate this stupid day and everything about it!" "I'll see you later." "Wait." "Come here." "Is there anything I can do?" "Anything?" "Just leave me alone for a little while." "I'm a duck." "I go quack-quack." "I'm happy all the time." "Nice try." "Wait, wait, wait." "Look, Monica..." "This is not going to work." "I bet this will work." "You're so great." "I love you." "Nothing." "I said you're so great, and then I just stopped talking." "You said you loved me." "I can't believe this!" "No, I didn't!" "Yes, you did!" "No, I didn't!" "You love me!" "No, I don't!" "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" "Gauze!" "Gauze!" "I need to get some gauze in here!" "Can I please get some more gauze?" "This is getting ridiculous." "robinson_crusoe" "What am I sitting on?" "Top of the world?" "Dock of the bay?" "I'm out." "Oh, undies!" "Whose are they?" " Whose are they?" " Not mine." "Joey's!" "Got to be Joey's." "They're mine." "See, Joey's." "They're Joe-Joe-Joey's." "Why are they here?" "I don't know." "I'm Joey." "I'm disgusting." "I take my underwear off in other people's homes." "Get them out of here." "What's wrong with you?" " Take them!" " I got them." "You can touch them." "They're yours." "Chandler?" "A word?" "I'm tired of covering for you two." "This has got to stop." "Tighty-whiteys?" "What are you, 8?" "Thank you, Joey, so much." "You're not welcome, okay?" "Look, I hate this." "You guys keep embarrassing me." "Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom." "I said it was mine, and that I was playing a woman in a play." "Then one thing led to another, and..." "And around the ankles, that is a tough spot." "It was." "All right, listen..." "All this lying has been hard on us too." "Yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier." "Yeah, actually." "Meanwhile, I get Rachel shoving your underwear in my face and asking when she can come see me star in Ugly Woman." "We'll be more careful." "We don't want them to know because it's going really well." "And maybe it's going well because it's a secret." "It sounds weird, but we're so bad at relationships." " We are." "Help us!" " Help!" "All right." "But you do it with me once." " Joey!" " Didn't think so." "The One With Ross' Sandwich" " Can we please just drop this?" " But I don't get it." "Does anybody else just take off their underwear when they're hot?" "What are you reading?" "Wuthering Heights." "I have to finish it by tomorrow for my literature class." "You're taking a class?" "That's so cool." "I really liked that Lamaze class I took." "I thought this time I'd go for something more intellectual with a less painful final exam." "That sounds like fun." "Oh, you should come with me!" "Then I'll have someone to sit with." "Do you have time to read it?" "I read it in school." "This is going to be so much fun!" "I have to finish." "But what time does the class start?" "What's wrong, buddy?" "Someone at work ate my sandwich." "What did the police say?" "My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich." "I can't believe someone ate it." "It's just a sandwich." "Just a sandwich?" "I am 30 years old, okay?" "I'll be divorced twice and I got evicted." "That sandwich was the only good thing in my life!" "Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!" "That's a nice sweater vest." "I have enough for one more sandwich." "I was going to eat it myself, but..." "Mon, that would be incredible." "Thank you so much." "I still can't believe someone ate it!" "Look, I left a note and everything." ""Knock-knock." "Who's there?"" ""Ross Geller's lunch."" ""Ross Geller's lunch, who?"" ""Ross Geller's lunch." "Please don't take me." "Okay?"" "I'm surprised you didn't wear it home." "Want to keep your food?" "Scare people off." "I learned that on the street." "Really?" "What would you say, Pheebs?" "Stuff like:" ""Keep your mitts off my grub."" "Do you picture Phoebe on the street with the entire cast of Annie?" "This'll keep them away from your stuff." "Phoebe, you are a badass!" "Someday I'll tell you how I stabbed the cop." "He stabbed me first!" "The Brontë sisters were remarkable women for their time." "They lived in a patriarchal society." "Sorry I'm late, but I left late." "So, what is the book about?" "Didn't you read it in high school?" "I started it, but then there was this pep rally." "And I was on top of the pyramid." "But anyway what's the book about?" "It's a tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff." "It takes place on these creepy moors in England." "Which I think represent the wildness of Heathcliff's character." "I totally get symbolism." "How would you characterize the theme of this book?" "Let's see..." "Rachel Greene?" "I would have to say that it's a tragic love story." "That's sort of a given but, yes." "Anyone else?" "Symbolism!" "And the wildness of the moors which I think, is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character." "Excellent!" "What Rachel has shrewdly observed here..." "You completely stole my answer!" "Honey, that was pretty obvious." "How would you know?" "You didn't read it!" "What do you think?" "You in the blue shirt?" "I think that yours is a question with many possible answers." "Would you care to venture one?" "Would you care to venture one?" "Are you just repeating me?" "Are you just repeating me?" "All right." "Let's move on." "Okay, then." "Why didn't you say you hadn't read the book?" "I didn't want him to think I was stupid." "That was really embarrassing, what happened to you." "Your note?" "Amazing!" "Not only did no one touch my sandwich but people at work are actually afraid of me." "A guy called me "Mental."" ""Mental Geller."" "I've always wanted a cool nickname like that." "The best you got in high school was "Wet Pants Geller."" "It was the water fountain, okay?" "!" "Anyway people are writing reports for me pushing back deadlines to fit my schedule." "I tell you, you get tough with people and you can get anything you want." "Hey, Tribbiani!" "Give me that coffee!" "Now!" "This was really fun." "I've been wondering if you'd ask me out." "So you still wondering?" "No." "We just went out." "You're smart." "I like that." "Oh, candles!" "What is that, a blanket?" "A video camera?" "Oh, my God!" "I can't believe you thought you'd tape us having sex on the first date!" "Joey, is what she just said..." "Oh, my God!" "You're actually going..." "What is going on here?" "And with Chandler in the next room." "What are you, sick?" "I'm Joey." "I mean, I'm disgusting." "I make low-budget adult films." "You promised to be more careful!" "The good Joey name's been dragged through the mud!" "We're so sorry." "I'm telling everyone." "It's the only explanation that doesn't make me look like a pig!" "No, there's a better explanation." "Tell them you had to make an adult film for your adult film class." "I like that." "But no!" "How does that explain my underwear at your place?" "I don't know." "Get ready to come out of the non-gay closet." "I promise to come up with something." "Just give us time." "All right." "But it better make me look really good." "And another thing:" "The video camera?" "Nice!" "May I have a word?" "Of course, Donald." "We've been getting reports of very angry behavior on your part." " What?" " Threatening letters refusal to meet deadlines." "Apparently people now call you Mental." "We want you to speak to a psychiatrist." "You don't understand." "This is so silly." "This is all just because of a sandwich." "A sandwich?" "You see, my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches." "Her secret is, she puts an extra slice of gravy-soaked bread in the middle." "I call it "The Moistmaker."" "Anyway, I put my sandwich in the fridge..." "Oh, you know what?" "I'm sorry." "I believe I ate that." "You ate my sandwich?" "A simple mistake." "It can happen to anyone." "Oh, really?" "Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moistmaker?" "Do you, perhaps, remember seeing a note on top of it?" "There may have been a joke or limerick of some kind." "That said it was my sandwich!" "Now, calm down." "Look in my office." "Some may be in the trash." "It was quite large." "I had to throw most of it away." "You threw my sandwich away?" "My sandwich?" "!" "What's this book about?" "You didn't read it, either?" "I was going to, but I accidentally read something else." "Vogue." "So tell me about Jane Eyre." "No, read it yourself." "Come on, don't be such a goody-goody." "Fine." "All right." "So, Jane Eyre?" "First, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not." "She's a cyborg." "A cyborg?" "Isn't that like a robot?" "This book was light years ahead of its time." "Sorry I'm late." "Let's get started." "What did you think of Jane Eyre?" "Rachel and I were discussing it, and she had very interesting insights." "Go ahead, Rachel." "Thank you, Phoebe." "What struck me most when reading Jane Eyre was how the book was so ahead of its time." "If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right." "Well, feminism, yes." "But also the robots." "Since that video camera thing didn't work out I thought that I would give you just a little preview." "You're naked!" "I know!" "Are you okay?" "I'm fine." "I saw a psychiatrist at work today." "Why?" "On account of my rage." "Which, if I may say, right now is out of control." "He gave me a pill for it." "A pill?" "When the psychiatrist told me to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss, I started to get worked up again." "So he offered me a tranquilizer." "And I thought it was a good idea." "So I took it." "They're making you take time off work?" "And you're okay with that?" "I don't know." "It's going to be weird not having a job for a while." "But I definitely don't care about my sandwich." "I hate it when they make me see the shrink at my office." "He's always like, "Your colleagues will like you better if you like yourself better."" "Who needs that?" " You do." " I know." "It's so embarrassing!" "I can't believe you let me go on like that!" "I'm sorry." "It was so funny when you compared Jane Eyre to Robocop." "That was not funny!" "I snapped, okay?" "You weren't taking the class seriously." "Come on!" "What is the big deal?" "I thought it'd be something we could do together." "I thought it would be fun." "Fun is good." "But I also wanted to learn." "People talk about what they learned in high school." "I never went." "So you really wanted to learn." "You know, Pheebs, I just wanted to have fun." "You know who should go?" "I know!" "I know!" "I know!" "Monica, you asked the question." "Oh, my God, that's Monica!" "You get away from me, you sick, sick, sicko!" "What's going on?" "Joey has got a secret peephole!" " Oh, no!" " Yes, he has a naked picture of Monica!" "He takes naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken and looks at them!" "Oh!" "Dude, that's my sister!" "Give me that!" "Wait!" "Everybody calm down, okay?" "Let's give our friend a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert!" "I am not a pervert, okay?" "It's just..." "I just kind of..." "I think I can explain this." "Thank you." "Joey's a sex addict." "What?" "!" "No, I'm not!" "It's okay!" "It's good!" "It's a disease." "I am not a sex addict!" "Yes, you are!" "That's the only way to explain all this stuff!" "No, it isn't." "It's not." "Because you could also explain it with the truth!" "What is the truth?" " What's up?" " What's going on?" "I slept with Monica." "Well, let's see what everybody thinks of that." "You slept with my sister?" "Yes, but it was..." "We just did it once, in London." "This is not good for my rage." "Is this true?" "Of course, it's true." "How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's been going on?" "Yes, it's true." "If it happened once, how come we found your underwear in our apartment?" "That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London." "Right, Monica?" "I guess I wanted to keep it as a souvenir." "My God, Monica!" "Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?" "If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica." "She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London!" "That's why she gave you a naked picture of herself." "That makes sense." "And the video camera?" "I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey." "But, sadly, I could not be enticed." "Monica, this has to stop now." "I know, I know." "I know." "I will, and I would appreciate if we all could just drop it immediately, and forever." "Okay." "That is, if you can resist me." " I'll give it my best shot." " Good luck." "Unbelievable!" "You really kept Joey's underwear?" "Why?" "Why would you do that?" "I'm Monica." "I'm disgusting." "I stalk guys and keep their underpants." "I think we've all learned who's disgusting and who's not." "Now, I'm going to get back to my bucket." "I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs." "You were making a good point." "I mean, till you got cut off." "What's up with that girl Monica?" "I don't know." "I didn't come with her." "Hey, everybody!" "Everybody, guess what!" "I just convinced Carl to give us a test." "Test?" "Come on!" "Tests make us all better learners!" "Oh, yeah!" "We should have essay questions!" "robinson_crusoe" " What are you doing?" " I reorganized the fridge." "See?" "Bottom shelf, meats and dairy." "Middle shelf, fruits and vegetables." "And top shelf, expired products." "Why are you doing this?" "Because I'm bored out of my mind." "I've already been to the bank, post office and dry cleaners." "Dude, you just described seven days' worth of stuff." "Spread it out a little." "Haven't you ever been unemployed?" "I'm not unemployed." "I'm on sabbatical." "Hey, don't get religious on me, okay?" "A guy in your position needs to be better at relaxing." "That's why we have comfortable chairs." "Here, sit down." "Ready?" "Watch." "And then..." " So, what?" "We just sit?" " Oh, no, no." "We're not gonna just sit." "Watch." " Hello, Chandler Bing." " Hello, Mr. Bing." "I love you." "All right, whoever this is, stop calling me!" "It's been 6 months!" "It's not funny!" "I can see you, Mr. Bing." "You look sexy in your new suit." "Leave me alone!" "For the love of God, leave me alone!" "And that's Wednesday." "The One with The Inappropriate Sister" "Hey, you guys!" "Guess what?" "The British are coming?" "Oh, you and your ways." "Since it's Christmas, I'm going to be collecting donations." "I have my bell and later on I get my bucket." "I'll be spreading joy to the people." "Last year I spread a little joy, but not enough." "So this year I'm doing the whole city." "I knew a girl in high school who did that." "She was very popular." "It's weird, you're starting to sound a lot like Chandler lately." "That is so not true." "So, Pheebs, where are you doing your bell-ringing?" "They gave me a great spot right by Macy's." "They never give a good spot to a rookie but I'm the only one who can say "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages." "I lied!" "Oh, my God." "Here's Danny." "Just watch this." "See?" "Still pretending he's not interested." "He's coming over." "Pretend we've forgotten who he is." " Hey, guys." " Hey, Danny." "Oh, Danny!" "Hey!" "You know Rachel." "She's nice." "She's not bad to look at, right?" "Thanks, Mon." "Of course." "Do you want to go out on a date with her?" "Absolutely." "Is Friday okay?" "Friday is perfect." "She can't wait." "On the date, I'll be able to talk to her directly?" "See you Friday." "Okay, what the hell was that?" "You know what?" "Don't answer me." "I have a date with Danny!" "All right, it's 4:30, I guess my lunch break is over." " What are you guys gonna do?" " Lf you're going back to work I'll probably just hang out." "You know, make some calls." "How could I not get the part?" "The play was about a 29- year-old Italian actor from Queens!" "Well, Talia Shire suddenly became available." "She's a woman!" "What can I say?" "She nailed it!" "Is there anything else?" "You'll just say no again, but gay porn?" "Happy holidays!" "Feliz Navidad!" "Allo and Merry Christmas!" "Oh, thank you, sir!" "Here's some joy." " How's it going?" " It's going okay." "Good." "Let me help you out." "Oh, thanks!" "Is that a new suede jacket?" "It looks really expensive." "Yeah." "I guess." "Just get your nails done?" "Yes, Phoebe, but this is all I have, okay?" "Thanks." "Happy holidays!" "Here's your joy." "Thank you!" "Happy holidays and..." "Wait." " You can't take money out." " I'm making change for the bus." "Can't you leave the dollar for the poor?" "I'm poor." "I gotta take the bus." "Okay, season's greetings and everything, but still..." "Bite me, blondie!" "I'm going to give him something besides joy." "Just..." "I can't believe I didn't get that part." "I'm sorry, man." "What you should do is make something happen for yourself." "You know, like write a play." "Or a movie." "What about those Good Will Hunting guys?" "Be realistic, you know?" "If I did write something what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it?" "Wait a second." "I could star in it!" "Or that." "I can't write." "I mean, I'm an actor." "I could act like a writer." "Here..." "But see?" "Nada." "I don't have the discipline that it takes." "I can't do it." "I'll help you." "Yeah." "I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it." "Plus, it'll give me something to do." "You'd do that for me?" "Thanks." "We'll start slow." "All you have to come up with tonight is the name of your main character." " Done." " And it can't be Joey." " It's not." " Or Joseph." "What's up?" "I just saw Danny on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her." "Honey, I'm sorry." "You should be." "This is all your fault." "You meddled in our relationship!" "You had no relationship!" "But I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan!" "Oh, God, stop with the plan!" "So what if you saw him with a girl?" "That doesn't mean anything." "You'll go out with Danny and be so charming he'll forget all about that stupid subway girl." "She was kind of stupid." "You're right." "I'm just going to go on the date." "I'm just going to go on the date." "That is the new plan." "Hurry!" " How do you spell "suspicious"?" " Why?" "I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff." "Chandler Bing, seven!" "Chandler Bing, zero!" "You're driving me crazy with that." " I'll stop." " Don't stop." "Move the bowl further away." "Ross could make that shot." "Well, you suck." "But at least you suck at a man's game now." " Want to play?" " I can't play games." "Ross'll be home soon." "I have to write five pages to stick to his schedule." "So play for 30 minutes, then write until he gets home." "All right." "But listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch?" "I'm intrigued." "All right." "All we need is a little lighter fluid." "But be careful." "I want our security deposit back." "We said goodbye to that when we invented hammer darts." "Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?" "Thank you!" "Happy holiday." "No, that's trash, young lady." "You can't..." "Stop that young lady!" "She donated trash!" "The charity's on fire!" "Help!" "Thank you." "I need that!" "What is this?" "It's 9:00 in the morning!" "All right. "A room." "A man enters." "He looks suspicious."" "That's it?" "You're supposed to have five pages done by now including an exciting incident." "What is all this?" ""The Official Rulebook of Fireball."" "That's the game we played." "It's great." "You take a tennis ball, a bowl and lighter..." "This is helping your career?" "You wanted to be an actor." "Not the creator of "Crazy Lawsuit Game."" "You're right." "I'll get back to work." "Shame on you!" "You should know better!" "Joey needs to work." "Now come on." "You can have this back when the five pages are done." " I had a nice time tonight." " So did I." "I'm really glad Monica asked us out." "I'd love to ask you in, but my sister's visiting." " I think she's asleep on the couch." " Your sister?" "Your sister's asleep on the couch?" "I saw you with her on the subway and now she's asleep on the couch!" " I thought I heard you." " Hey, great, you're up." "Rachel, my sister Krista." "Nice to meet you." "I wish you'd warned me." "I'd have fixed myself up." " Like it would help." " You are so bad." " You are." " You are." " You are." " You are!" "You are so dead." "I'm gonna get you." "Come here!" "It's very nice to meet you." "Nobody!" "Nobody respects the bucket!" "You wouldn't believe what people put in here!" "Does this look like a garbage can to you?" "Does it look like an ashtray?" "Does it look like a urinal?" " So you going back out there?" " Yeah, but I won't take any more crap." "No more Mrs. Nice Bucket." "Good." "You're tough." "You lived on the street." "I'll go back to being Street Phoebe." "But not totally back." "Street Phoebe wouldn't be friends with you guys." "Can I ask you guys something?" "I don't have brothers, so I don't know, but did you guys wrestle?" " Oh, yeah." " All the time." "In fact, I was undefeated." "Well, you weighed 200 pounds." "Still, I was quick as a cat." "I met Danny's sister yesterday." " That was the girl on the subway." " You're kidding." "They were very, you know wrestle-y." "But I guess that's normal?" "We don't wrestle now." "Not since I got too strong for you." "Too strong for me?" "You wanna go right now?" "I'll take you right now, buddy!" "You wanna go?" "Oh, fine." "Ready?" "Wrestle!" "Okay, you know what?" "Actually, that helps a lot." "Thanks." "Let's go!" "The puck drops in 20 minutes!" "Joey's not going." "I didn't finish my five pages." "Finish them tomorrow." "Tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages." "Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work." "Cut him some slack." "If he relaxes, he'll get some work done." "I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball." "If you think Fireball's relaxing, you've never played." "You're doing this because you're bored." "It's not his fault you're unemployed." "I am not unemployed." "I'm on sabbatical!" "Guys, don't fight." "And I'm doing this because I am Joey's friend." "If you were a friend, you'd be doing the same." "So being a friend means being a jerk?" "If it does, then you're an amazing friend of mine." "Let's settle this over a game of Fireball." " I'll unhook the smoke detectors." " Let's settle this right now." "There." "Now no one's going to the game." " I paid for those!" " You said you would, but you didn't." "Oh, yeah." "We finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here forgets the camera." "The same thing happened to me one time." "When did that happen to you?" "Remember?" "We were jogging and saw that bird." "I wanted to take a picture, but I didn't have my camera." "Chasing the churro guy is not jogging." "Oh, this is so good." "You have got to try it." " Damn." "I got it on my pants." " Here, I'll get it." "We better take them off or the stain will set." " I want to wear them tonight." " Oh, great." "Okay, bye." "Oh, my God!" " That was unbelievable." " See?" "I told you." "Yeah." "Sorry." "I don't believe they're brother and sister." "They're brother and sister?" "!" "I guess you'll have to cancel your date." "And call their mother." "Wait a minute." "Open your hand." "Let me take a look." "Quarter, dime." "Lint?" "Not interested in that." "What's this?" "A Canadian coin?" "Get out of here!" "No drinks near the bucket." "Set it down there and then you can make a contribution." "You can leave the "hurt bunny" look over there too." "Hi, Bob." "I thought I told you to get out of here!" "Phoebe, we've been getting complaints." "We're moving you to a less high-profile spot." " Ginger's taking this corner." " That chick can't handle my corner." "Look, either you leave or we remove you." "Fine." "I'll give you one pointer." "Look out for that bitch." " I thought we said 7." " You know what?" "Let's skip it." "What?" "Why?" "You and your sister seem to have a very special bond..." "Oh, great." "That "special bond" again." "Why do women have a problem with my being close to my sister?" " I don't know, but..." " Do you have brothers?" "No, I have two sisters." "But one has a very masculine energy." " Are you close?" " No." "They're not very nice people." "I like you." "I think this could go somewhere." "So I'm close to my family." "Don't let it stand in our way." "Well, I don't know..." "When you put it that way..." "Danny?" "Hurry up." "The bath's getting cold." "I'll see you later." "There's some kids playing in the street." "Want to go give them a project, ruin their day?" "If they have a ball, you could stick razors in it and teach them a new game:" ""Gonna-Need-Stitches Ball."" "Hey, guys!" "I was at the library." "I already finished my five pages." "Now we can go to the Ranger game last night!" "No, dude." "Ross tore up the tickets." "I guess without so many distractions it's easier for you to focus?" "Also without somebody breathing down your neck all the livelong day!" "The important thing is, I finished it." "And I think it's really good." "But it would help if I could hear it." "Would you guys read it for me?" " Yeah, all right." " All right." ""It's a typical New York apartment." "Two guys are hanging out."" ""Hey, man."" ""What is up?"" ""About yesterday." "I was really wrong." "I am sorry."" ""No, it was me." "I'm sorry." "I overreacted."" ""Maybe it was both of us." "But we had our best friend's inter..." "But we had our best friend's interest at heart."" ""Could I be more sorry?"" ""I don't know." "I am one sorry polontologist."" "All right, Joey, we get it." " I'm sorry." " I'm sorry too." "Keep reading." "The good part's coming up." ""I am sorry, Chandler."" ""I am sorry, Ross."" ""A handsome man enters."" ""I don't know what you're talking about, but I'd like to thank you both." "You." "You wouldn't let me give up on myself." "And you." "You co-created Fireball."" ""The End."" "This took you all day?" "No, this took five minutes." "I spent the rest of the day coming up with new Ultimate Fireball!" "It's a typical New York apartment." "Two girls are just hanging out." "Go." " "Hi, how are you doing, Kelly?" - "I'm doing just fine." "God, Tiffany, you smell so great."" ""It's my new perfume." "Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it?"" " Joey, you are sick." " This is disgusting." "I'm not reading this." "Wait, wait, wait!" "The handsome man was about to enter!" "robinson_crusoe" "Any entertainment there?" "All right." "Here we go!" "1999, the year of Joey." "We're very happy for you." "What's the matter?" "We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else will, so..." "All right, I'll take care of it." "It's 30 seconds to midnight, what are you gonna do?" "Will you just trust me?" "Thirty-three, 32, 31..." "Who are you kissing at midnight?" "Rachel or Phoebe?" "You can't kiss your sister." " Who's gonna kiss my sister?" " Chandler." "Oh, man!" "Really?" "Would you rather have me or him kiss her?" "That's a good point." "Since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe." "Pheebs!" "Listen." "Ross wants to kiss you at midnight." "So obvious." "Why doesn't he just ask?" " Rach!" "I'm gonna kiss you at midnight." " What?" "You can't kiss Ross." "You got the history." "So?" " Would you prefer me or Chandler?" " Good point." "Three, two, one!" "Happy New Year!" " Happy New Year." " Happy New Year." " Happy New Year." " You too." "Happy New Year, Joey." "So that do anything for you?" "The One with All the Resolutions" "You know what?" "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "No divorces in '99!"" "But your divorce isn't final yet." "Just the one divorce in '99!" "I am gonna be happy this year." "I am gonna make myself happy." "Do you want us to leave the room?" "Every day I am gonna do one thing I have never done before." "That is my New Year's resolution." "That's a good one!" "Mine is to pilot a commercial jet." "Now you only have to find a planeload of people whose resolution is to plummet to their deaths." "Maybe your resolution should be not to make fun of your friends." "Especially the ones who might fly you to Europe for free." "She has a better chance of flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us." "I'll bet $50 you can't go the year without making fun of us." "Better yet, a week." "I'll take that bet, my friend." "Paying me the $50 can be the "new thing you do" that day." "And it starts right now!" "My New Year's resolution is to learn how to play guitar." "Really?" "How come?" "You know those special skills I have listed on my résumé?" "I would love it if one of those was true." "Want me to teach you?" "I'm great." "Really?" "Who have you taught?" "Well, I taught me." "And I loved me." "That'd be great!" "Yeah, thanks, Pheebs." "My resolution is to be less obsessed with being neat and clean." "Really?" "Or something else." "Look." "Blaire forgot her glasses." "She'll need these to keep an eye on that boyfriend." "Who, from what I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I mean!" "Maybe your resolution should be to gossip less." "What?" "I don't gossip." "Maybe sometimes I find out things." "Or I hear something and I pass that information on." "You know, kind of like a public service." "It doesn't mean I'm a gossip." "Is Ted Koppel a gossip?" "If Ted Koppel talked about his coworkers' botched boob jobs, I would." "They were like this!" "Fine, my New Year's resolution will be not to gossip." " It's easy." " Easy?" "You have never kept a resolution." " Yes, I have." " Okay, let's see how you did last year." "No." "No." "Not my diary." "You cannot read my diary." ""Dear diary:" "I'm so excited." "My resolution is to write in you every day." "See you tomorrow."" "Nothing." "You know, not a lot happened last year." "All right, I will prove to you that I can keep it this time." "No more gossiping." "I hate gossip." "In junior high this girl said a lot of mean stuff about me and I set her bike on fire." " Wow, what did she say about you?" " She said I was crazy." "But I guess she got hers." " I'll see you tomorrow." " Okay." "I just asked that girl out." "Nice!" "Is that part of your "new thing" for today?" "Yes, it is." "See?" ""Elizabeth Hornswoggle"?" "That's right." "Elizabeth Hornswoggle." "You okay, Chandler?" "Something funny about that name?" "No, I just think I've heard it somewhere before." "Oh, really?" "Where?" "Somewhere funny, I'll bet." "Guess what." "I have a date with Elizabeth Hornswoggle." "Oh, this must be killing you!" "All right, see you later." "Not really." " I haven't told you her middle name yet." " Well, don't." "Just don't." " See you later." " See you." "All right, Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson." "No, you don't touch the guitar." "First you learn here, then here." "Lesson one:" "Chords." "Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords." "But I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them." "So then this is "Bear Claw."" ""Turkey Leg" and "Old Lady."" "What an interesting approach to guitar instruction." "You know, some might find it amusing." "I myself find it regular." "Hey, everybody!" "Rachel was so good today." "She didn't gossip at all." "I didn't." "Even when I found out..." "Let's say I found out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it." "Check this out." "You nailed the Old Lady!" "I thought I was getting better, so I stopped by this guitar store..." "Did you touch any of the guitars there?" "Did you?" "No." "Give me your hands." "Strings." "Pick." " Do you want to learn to play guitar?" " Yes." "Then don't touch one!" " Hi, Ben." " Auntie Monica!" "Ross is wearing leather pants!" "Does nobody else see Ross is wearing leather pants?" "Someone comment on the pants!" " I think they're very nice." " I really like them a lot." "Not what I had in mind." "People like Ross don't wear these types of pants." "You see, they're very tight." "Maybe there's something in that area?" "I think they look really good." "Where'd you get them?" "I needed a new thing for today." "There's this leather store that always smells so good." "And I thought to myself:" ""Wow." "I've never owned a really good-smelling pair of pants before."" "Oh, come on!" "What do you think?" "You look like a freak." "Awful!" "What are you doing?" " It's my New Year's resolution." " To blind my child?" "To take pictures of us together." "It's the best resolution." "Everyone can enjoy them." "Everyone will enjoy my music as well." "My God, these pants!" "I'm burning up." "Oh God!" "She wants to snuggle now?" "Is she trying to kill me?" "It's like a volcano in here!" " Are you hot?" " No." "It must just be me, then." "That was just the pants and the couch." "Do you mind if I use your bathroom?" " Go ahead." " Thanks." "My favorite part's coming up!" "Oh, my God!" "Tiger." "Dragon." "Iceberg!" "Joseph, did you even study at all last night?" "Yes, I did!" "Then do Iceberg." "G- sharp." "G- sharp?" "Have you been studying the real names of the chords?" "Have you?" "Oh, my God!" "What?" "I didn't touch a guitar!" "But you're questioning my method!" "No, I'm not questioning it." "I'm saying it's stupid!" "What?" "Thank you." "You know, none of my other student thought I was stupid." "Your other student was you!" "Well, maybe you just need to try a little harder!" "Maybe I need to try a real teacher!" "Here!" "Andy Cooper." "He teaches guitar." "There's a picture of him with a kid." "And the kid's got a guitar!" "Fine!" "You learn from your "qualified instructor."" "But don't come crying when everyone is sick of hearing you play "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"!" "Oh, fine." "Take his side!" "I can't wait to be with you." "I'll sneak over as soon as I can." "I'll tell Rachel I'll be doing laundry." "Laundry." "Is that my new nickname?" "You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big..." "Would you stop looking at me like that?" "Phoebe was a terrible teacher." "I wasn't learning anything from her..." "Look I feel bad, too..." "Forget it, we're going around in circles." "Joey, it's Ross." "I need some help." "Chandler's not here." "You can help me." "I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom." "Nice!" "No, I got really hot in my pants, so I took them off." "But they must have shrunk from the sweat." "Or my legs expanded from the heat." "I can't get them back on, Joey." "I can't!" "That is quite a situation." "Do you see any powder?" "Powder!" "Yeah, I have powder." "Good, good." "Sprinkle some on." "It'll absorb moisture." "Then you can get your pants on." "Yeah, hold on." "They're not coming on, man." "Okay, cut slits in the pants, right?" "Then put them back on go out there and tell her you're the Incredible Hulk." "Chandler's not there?" "That would have worked, but all right, fine." "You see any..." "Oh, Vaseline?" "I see lotion." "I have lotion." "Will that work?" "Sure, throw some of that on there." "Hold on." "Sounds like it's working." "They're still not coming on, man." "And the lotion and the powder have made a paste." "Really." "What color is it?" "What difference does that make?" "If the paste matches the pants, you can make paste pants and she won't know!" "Do you have a minute?" "Dude, what am I..." "Rachel's here, so good luck." "Let me know how it goes." "Joey, I have such a problem." "Your timing couldn't be better." "I'm putting out fires all over the place." "I have got to tell you something." "What is it?" "It's so huge!" "But promise me." "You cannot tell anyone." "No, no, no!" "I don't want to know." "You do want to know." "This is unbelievable!" "I'm tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets and can't tell anyone." "You know secrets?" "You're not supposed to gossip!" "I can't keep this in." "So I pick up the phone..." "I'm not listening to you!" "You've been in there for a long time." "I'm starting to get kind of freaked out." "All right, I'm coming out." "Hey, can you turn the lights off?" "Let's just leave the lights on." "Oh, my God!" "I had a problem." "I can't talk to you." "I don't have a fancy ad in the yellow pages." "I want to apologize for saying your method was stupid." "And maybe ask you to be my teacher again?" "I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready." "You really think I'm ready?" "Wow, cool!" " Was the chord at least right before..." " No." "Oh, my God!" "We heard about your pants." "I'm so sorry." "This year was supposed to be great." "It's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit!" "You're not a loser." "Look at me!" "Hey, look!" "Ben drew a picture of you." "You're a cowboy." "Because of the leather pants?" "He thinks you're a cowboy, not a loser." "That's something." " It really is something." " Howdy, partner." "Maybe I should get another pair." "You know, they had some with fringe all down the sides." "Pheebs, you may know this." "You know strange things." "What is the boiling point of brain?" "I used to know this." "I'm gonna go kiss Ben good night." "I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy." "I would make a good cowboy." "Now that everything's wrapped up, I'll do my laundry." "Yeah, me too." "If this shirt is dirty." "I'm going to the airport." "If I hang around there long enough someone's bound to leave a plane unattended." " Good luck, honey." " Bye." "Remember that thing I was gonna tell you about?" "I won't tell you." "But if you found out on your own that would be okay and we could talk about it." "Well, then it wouldn't be a secret." "So that would be okay." "Would you mind going into Chandler's bedroom and getting that book he borrowed from me?" "Now?" "You want me to go over there now?" " Do you know something?" " Do you?" " I might know something." " I might too." " What do you know?" " You tell me first." " I can't." " Then I can't." "Okay, fine." "You don't know." "I'll walk into his bedroom and see the thing I think I know is actually the thing I think I know!" " You know!" " And you know!" "Yeah, I know!" "Chandler and Monica?" "Oh, this is unbelievable!" " How long have you known?" " Too long!" "I've been dying to talk to someone about this!" "You can't say anything to anybody." "They're so weird about that." "It's raining." "I don't like to fly in the rain." "I am gonna go for a walk in the rain." "Me too." "That's weird." "I bet they're doing it." "Okay, look." "I can't take it anymore." "So you win." "Okay?" "Here." "Flying a jet?" "Make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home planet!" "Phone call for you." "Tom Jones." "He wants his pants back!" "And Hornswoggle?" "What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?" "robinson_crusoe" "Come on, Joey!" "I told you everything I knew last night." "It's not that big a deal." "So they're doing it." "I cannot believe you would say that!" "Sorry." "Monica and Chandler are "making love."" "No, I mean, come on." "This is a huge deal!" "I need more details." "Who initiated the first kiss?" "I don't know." "God, I just can't imagine Chandler being romantic." "Is he romantic with her?" "I don't know." "Are they in love?" "I don't know." "You don't know anything." "I know one thing." "They did it right there." "The One With Chandler's Work Laugh" "Could I have a scone?" " Want to hear some good news?" " Is somebody else gonna give it to us?" "Because you certainly don't seem like you have any." "No, I do." "Someone I know is getting married." "Weddings are happy occasions." "Oh, it's my ex-wife, Emily!" "Sorry, man." " Here's your scone." " Thanks." "Stupid British snack food!" "Did they teach you that in anger management?" "You know what might help you deal with it?" "You two are in the past." "You can't be mad about the past." "Are you still mad about, you know, the Louisiana Purchase?" "Nobody's mad about that." "Exactly!" "Because it's in the past." "Anybody going to eat that?" "Look at us all dressed up for the party." "What are we celebrating?" "We had a lot of liquor left over from Christmas." "Our friends aren't here." "We can be a real couple." "We don't have to hide." "I know." "I can do this." "And I can do this." "We can't do that." "Hey, Bing!" "Who's the pretty lady, and what is she doing with you?" "I asked myself that very question, sir." "My boss, Doug." " This is Monica." " Hi." " This is my wife, Kara." " Nice to meet you." "Did you hear about the new law firm working for us?" "Dickem, Stickem  Run." "Let's go drink our body weight." "What was that?" "That noise you made?" "Oh, my work laugh." "Your work laugh?" "If you're going to survive this party, come up with one too." "All right." "Check me out." "He says, " $30, Father." "Same as in town."" "Everybody at work loved you last night." "And they like me more just because I was with you." "You repaired the damage from when they met Joey." "Doug wants to play tennis." "He never talks to me outside of work." "Except for that time at that strip club." "Strip church." " I'll go find a racket." " I thought you had one." "I used to, but then Joey thought it'd be fun to go hit rocks at bigger rocks." "Do you have a tennis racket?" "I lent it to Joey, and I've never gotten it back." "Good luck with that." "What's up?" "Why are you here?" "I thought you had inventory." "I do, but I decided I'd take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica." "You know, I feel like we don't talk anymore." "How are you?" "What is new with you?" "Not much." "Work's good." "We don't have to talk about work." "Talk about anything." "You know what?" "Let's talk about relationships." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "You go." "There was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute." "But I don't anymore." "That's juicy." "You know what?" "I actually do have a lot of work to do." "You're sure there's just not anything else?" "I'm sure." "Is there something you want to talk to me about?" "No!" "If there was, I wouldn't tell you." "Then what happened?" "You'll get your turn." " Hey, Pheebs." "What's going on?" " Nothing." "This is not over." "No, no, no!" "I was up all night writing this nasty letter to Emily." "It was perfect, and now it's all covered in..." "Actually, thanks!" "All right!" "Ready to go to the movies?" "Actually, I think I'll skip it." "Really?" "I'll read my book." "I just want to be alone right now." "Sure you don't want to?" "Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan." "They get mail and stuff." "That's okay, Joe." "Let's go, Pheebs." "Game!" "I got to tell you, that partner of yours is a real tiger." "Are you all right?" "We'll just get a little sip of water." "Am I on fire today or what?" "Those birds are browned, basted and ready to be carved." "Okay, easy, Martina." "I think we should let them win the next game." "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said." "Let them win one." "Are you crazy?" "We own those two." "Look at them!" "He can't even breathe, and she's popping pills." "You're not giving them a chance." "They have rackets." "We'll make this the last game." "Yes, sir." "Put me out of my misery." "Are you sure you never played pro?" "Please let them win." "I'll take it down to 95%, but that's the best I can do." " Missed it!" " I got it!" "Nice shot." "I got it!" "Long!" "I can't believe you let them win." "Well, at least you hid your feelings well about it." "I was frustrated." "It's my racket." "Frustrated with you!" "If we hadn't lost, they would never have invited us to dinner tomorrow." "What bothers me is how different you act around them." "The throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh the "See you later, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!"" "Listen, I don't sound like some crazed, drunken pirate." "I know you don't, but "work Chandler" does." "I don't like work Chandler." "The guy's a suck-up." "Because you said that I'm not putting out tonight!" "Something's wrong." "My brother doesn't stay out all night." "Maybe we should check the trash chute." "Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute." "That's right." "He almost could." "Which is exactly how I got stuck there." "Oh, my God!" "Where the hell have you been?" "Just, you know, out." "Oh, out!" "God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there." "What were you doing?" "I went to a bar, and then I just walked around for a while." "You walked around all night in the city by yourself?" "He hooked up!" "He hooked up." "I don't have to answer your questions." "I'm a big boy." "I can do what I want." "He hooked up!" "Tell us about her!" "Ross, you left your scarf..." "Hey, you guys." "I know what you all are thinking, but Chandler is in Yemen." "I'm a young woman." "I have needs." "I can't wait forever." "Yeah, that's what I was thinking." "So I'm asking you, please, just take a moment before you judge me." "Nobody's judging you." "Mr. Right-place-at-the-right-time call me." "So I guess you finished your book." "Had some time on our hands, did we?" "I know what you guys are going to say." "You two would have very hairy children." "I didn't know you'd say that." "Ross!" "Janice?" "All right." "Hold on, hold on." "This is Ross." "He's our friend." "He obviously went crazy." "He obviously lost his mind." "Look, it's not that crazy." "Okay?" "But it's Janice!" "I mean, she's Janice!" "How drunk were you?" "Janice and I have a lot in common." "We've both been divorced." "We both have kids." "Are you going to see her again?" " Don't put ideas in his head!" " I will see her." "Damn it, Phoebe!" "I have to tell you something that I've never admitted." "In high school, I made out with James even though I knew you liked him." "That feels so good to get off my chest." "Okay, you go." "My turn?" "What are you talking about?" "I know about you and Chandler." "I overheard you on the phone the other day." "You said, "I'll tell Rachel I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours."" "And he said, "Laundry?" "Is that my new nickname?"" "And you said:" ""You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big."" "You're writing yourself a little play there, Rach." "Let me know how it turns out." "I wouldn't know, because I got so freaked out I hung up the phone." "Well, if you had kept listening you would have heard me call him Mister Bigot." "Mr. Bigot." "He tells the most racist jokes." "All right." "So that's it." "There's nothing going on between you and Chandler?" "Me and Chandler?" "Put your $20 down." "First one to find the tasty treat wins, okay?" "All right, let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths." "And they're off!" "Get your foot off my contestant!" "Judge?" "Judge rules, no violation." "It's so weird to say this, but I just had a great date with Janice." " What?" " Are you serious?" "I opened up to her about all the stuff that's been happening to me." "I mean, I talked for hours." "It is amazing to have someone give you such focused attention." "You don't need Janice for that." "You've got us." "The duck gets the Nutter Butter!" "That's not a Nutter Butter." "That's an old won ton!" "Judge rules Nutter Butter." "Tough call." "Seriously, I strongly believe that we should support President Clinton and her husband, Bill." "How do you like your coffee?" " None for me." " A little sugar." "I'll have Monica stick her finger in it." "That will sweeten it up." " That laugh doesn't give you a headache?" " You get used to it." "I don't think that I can." "This will be it for me on the work things." "I laugh at my boss's jokes." "What's the big deal?" "I'd rather not be with this work-weasel guy when I can be with my boyfriend, who I actually respect." "I got to apologize for Kara's coffee." "I'd feel sorry for it in a fight." "It's not strong enough to defend itself." "Hear what I said?" "What?" "It's a joke." "What's the matter with you?" "Well, I just didn't think it was funny, sir." "Excuse me?" " Well, I just..." " Honey?" "I just don't think you understood the joke." "Really?" "I mean, it was really funny." "I just don't think that you got it." "You see, Kara's coffee is weak-tasting." "But what Doug did was imply that it was weak physically." " You get it now, honey?" " I think I do!" " Thank you, Monica." " I thought you could use the help." "Coffee in a fight!" "You mind if I read my comic books in here?" "Sure." "Why?" "Chandler and Monica are over there." "It's kind of hard to concentrate." "She just called and said she was going to be working late." "She keeps lying to me." "That's it!" "I'm going over there and confronting them right now." "Panty raid." "All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes now?" "I'm just not very good at this." "I'm a terrible liar." "I hate having to lie to Rachel." " But we're not ready to tell yet." " I know." "Ever since high school, Rachel was the one person that I told everything to." "I miss that so much now." "She's my best friend." "Oh, my God, Rachel!" "What are you doing here?" "Well, I actually came over here to borrow this lamp to look at my books." "You know, see them a little better." "Okay, great." "Well, what I was doing in Chandler's room is that I was cleaning it." "He pays me to clean it." "What a great way to make some extra pocket money." "When I said to you earlier that I was at work I'm at my new work." "Good enough." "Right?" "I'll go look at my books." "Go get back to my new job." "Congratulations on your new job!" "Man, she is really gullible." " Here you go." " Thanks." " Actually, I should get going." " You're sure?" "I can stay out as late as you want." "I told you I'm on sabbatical from work..." "Yes, yes." "You did." " Oh, man!" " What is wrong now?" "This isn't what I ordered." "Man!" "Can't anything go right in my life?" "First, my marriage falls apart, and then..." "I know!" "You lose your apartment, you lose your job your ex-wife gets married so fast!" "And now the coffee!" "We need to talk." " Sometimes I feel..." " No, no, don't." "I'm going to talk." "I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun." "You're a very sweet person, Ross." "Unfortunately I just don't think I can take another second of you whining!" "Let me make sure I'm hearing this right." "You're ending this with me because I'm too whiny?" "So you're saying I've become so whiny that I annoy you Janice." "Well, yeah!" "Oh, my God!" "Will you be okay?" "I am now." "I guess that's two out of three Joey!" "Dude, we got to talk." "I wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else." "I hope this isn't too weird, but I had a thing with Janice." "You're not mad?" "Why would I be mad?" "Because there's certain rules about this kind of stuff." "You don't fool around with your friends' ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to." "I am mad." "But you know, I'm going to forgive you." "Because that's what friends do." "They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said." "Thank you." "But I want you to remember that I forgave you." "I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent-free." "All right." "And I want you to remember that I gave you twenty-seven dollars." "No strings attached!" "If you can't remember that we should write it down." "Let's write it down!" "robinson_crusoe" "I can't believe we've never done this." "It's so good!" "It's so good for Monica." "Time's up!" "My turn." " That was half an hour?" " It's your timer." "I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages." "All right, then massage me up right nice!" "It's so good, isn't it?" "I don't know what I did to deserve it." "Now stop trying to add more time to your massage." "Say goodbye to sore muscles!" "Goodbye, muscles!" "The One with Joey's Bag" "She gives the worst massages ever!" "It was like she was torturing me for information." "I wanted to give it up." "I just didn't know what it was!" "If it hurts that bad, you should tell her." "For the first time, I'm in a real relationship." "I won't screw that up by telling the truth." "Dude, look out!" "You almost crushed my hat." "Sorry." "And the bunny got away." "This would be the place where you explain the hat." "This is called a top hat." "And why are you wearing this...?" "Is it "top hat"?" "There's this play and I'm up for the part of this cool, suave, international guy." "A clotheshorse." "So I figure everyone at the audition will wear ultra-hip, high-fashion stuff." "And you'll make them disappear?" "Like you could find something this sophisticated." "Done!" "If you want to look good, come to the store." "I'll help you." " Thanks!" " Sure." "Please, take those off!" "Hey, Pheebs." "How's it going?" "Only okay because I just got back from the hospital." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine, but my grandma sort of died." "Pheebs, sorry." "It's okay." "She had a really incredible life." "It's not like I won't see her again." "She'll visit." "Maybe she's with us right now." "Right." "She's on a new spiritual plain and she'll come to the coffeehouse." "I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside!" "Pheebs' grandmother just died." "Oh, my God!" "I'm so sorry." "Actually, it's kind of cool." "Because it's like you know, one life ends and another begins." "Not the way they're doing it." "What happened?" "How did she die?" "We were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and never came back up again." "I'm so sorry." "The last thing she said was:" ""You get the eggs, I'll get the yogurt, and we'll meet at the checkout counter."" "You know what?" "We will meet at the checkout counter." "Since you're returning all this stuff you'll have to wear underwear." "All right." "You'd better show me that too." "It's missing something." "Really?" "A purse?" "It's not a purse." "It's a shoulder bag." "It looks like a woman's purse." "Trust me, all the men are carrying them in the spring catalog." "See, look." "Men carrying the bag." "See, look." "Women carrying the bag." "But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man." "Exactly." "Unisex!" "Maybe you need sex." "I had sex a couple days ago." "No, Joey." "U-N-I sex." "I ain't gonna say no to that!" " Who is it?" " It's Phoebe." "Oh, great!" "Oh, you." "What's up?" "Well, I sort of have some bad news." "Can I come in?" "No, thanks." "Grandma died today." "Didn't she die like five years ago?" "No, she just died today." "We're having a memorial service tomorrow." "Okay, I know I went to that already." "No, you didn't!" "Then who's been dead?" "Lots of people!" "Look, are you coming or not?" "I thought she was dead, so I've made my peace." "Plus I'm going to a concert." "I'd invite you, but I only have two tickets left." " Fine." "Okay, enjoy your concert." " Thanks." "Enjoy your funeral!" "You look just like your son, Mrs. Tribbiani." "What?" "Are you referring to my man's bag?" "I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too." "It's got compartments for your wallet, keys, address book..." "Your makeup." "What are you doing?" "The audition's tomorrow." "Yeah, but sandwich time is right now." "You get mustard on that bag, you can't return it." "Why would I return this?" "I love this bag!" " All right, then you owe me $350." " Fine." "Do you take Vasa or Mooster Card?" "Relax, I'll pay you with the money from the job I'll get." "Thanks to you." "What's the part?" "Auntie Mame?" "Don't listen to them." "I think it's sexy." "You-and-I sexy?" "Hello, Mrs. Pinilla." "Thank you for coming." "Here's your 3-D glasses." "Reverend Pong will say when to put them on." "Hi, sweetie." " How are you holding up?" " Fine." "Hey, Pheebs." "I'm so sorry." "You know what?" "My grandma had the exact same bag!" "I brought you flowers." "Oh, thanks!" "Pulling flowers out makes the bag look masculine." "Excuse me, is this the memorial?" "Welcome." "Here's your 3-D glasses." "All right." "So how did you know Frances?" "Actually, I hadn't seen her for years." "But I was pretty tight with her and her daughter." "What's your name?" "Frank Buffay." "You know what?" "Strike that." "My name, actually, is Joe." "Joe Hill." "You're Frank Buf..." "No!" "Joe Hill." "You just said..." "I got to go." "Thank you so much for coming." "Oh, my God!" "What happened?" "That was my dad." "Check it out!" "It's like it's coming right at me." " Did you catch him?" " What did he say?" "He said, "Nice to meet you, Glenda."" "I couldn't give him my real name." "Why not?" "You saw the way he ran." "You think he'd talk to the daughter he abandoned?" "What did you say to him?" "I said I was the executor of the will and I needed to talk to him." "I'm going to meet him at the coffeehouse." "Could everyone take their seats?" "I just can't think about that now." "I want to say goodbye to my grandma." "Let's go say goodbye." "I'm off to my audition." "How do I look?" "Great!" "That bag will get you that part." "And a date with a man." "You know what?" "Make fun all you want." "This is a great bag." "And it's as handy as it is becoming." "Just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong." "You guys have to get used to the fact that Joey..." "I've got to meet my dad." "Will you tell him who you are?" "Not at first." "I don't want to freak him out." "But aren't you pissed at him?" "This guy abandoned you." "If it were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger." "I'd walk in there, I'd be like, "Yo, Dad!" "You and me, outside." "Right now!"" "I kind of scared myself." "Well, at least you scared someone." "You'd think I'd be angry." "You'd think I'd want to rip his tiny, little head off!" "Fortunately, I'm past it." "You do seem a little tense." "Here, let me help you." "Get off!" "Stop it!" "Why are you doing that to me?" "What are you talking about?" "As a masseuse and a human I'm begging you, never do that to anyone!" "I give good massages." "I gave them to Rachel before she got allergic." "And Chandler, he loves them!" "Watch." "He does not like it." "He's in pain!" " No, he's not." " Yes, he is!" " What?" " I'm sorry, but..." "You've been lying to me?" "I can't believe that." "Maybe he didn't want to hurt you." "But the minute we start to lie to each other..." "And by "we" I mean society." "Anytime you're ready." "Well, you must be new here." "Maybe we get a table, I buy you a drink." "Could you try it without the purse?" "Yeah, sure." "Well, you must be new here." "Maybe we sit..." "Can I ask you something?" "Sure." "What?" "Well, first, it's not a purse." "Anytime." "If you think it's a woman's bag, it's not." "It's a man's bag." "Okay." "And go!" "Let me show you the catalog." "Look." "See?" "It's the latest thing." "Everyone's got one." "Men, women, children." "Do you sell these?" "No, these babies sell themselves." "Thank you." "That was great." "But I didn't read anything." "I think we've seen enough." "All right, I'll see you." "We got it." "We got it." "Is Rachel here?" "Listen, I just wanted to apologize about the whole massage thing." "I really like them." "Please, stop!" "We're supposed to be honest." "I wish you could tell me, "I don't like your massages."" "I don't like your massages." "See?" "It's no big deal." "But now you're crying!" "I'm not crying about that." "I'm crying about something at work." "My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages." "You don't have to be best at everything." "Oh, my God!" "You don't know me at all!" "You give the worst massages in the world." "I'm crying here!" "Look, hear me out." "You give the best bad-massages." "If anybody was looking for the best bad-massage and they thought, "Who's the best?"" "They'd have to go to you." "So you're saying that if there was an award for the best bad-massage..." "Who would get that?" "It would be you!" "You, Monica!" "And you'd get all the votes." "So they could call the award, "The Monica"?" "Absolutely." "I suck!" "Thank you for meeting me." "Thank you." "Come sit." "Sit." "Sit!" "Alrighty." "Before we get started, I need you to state for the record that you are, in fact, Frank Buffay." "Yes, I am." "What did Frances leave me?" "That's why you wanted me to come." "Yes, she did." "She left you this lipstick." "It's used." "Cool!" "I have just a few questions to ask, so I'll get out my official forms." "So question one:" "You were married to Frances' daughter, Lilly." "Correct?" "Yes, I was." "Question two." "Did that marriage end:" "Happily?" "Medium?" "Or C:" "In the total abandonment of her and her two children?" "It really says that?" "Yeah, see?" "I guess then I would have to say C." "Total abandonment." "Reasons for abandonment:" "Top-secret government work." "Amnesia." "Or C:" "You're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man." "I don't want the lipstick that much." "Would you do me a favor?" "Would you give Lilly that, please?" "When you see Lilly, give her that note." "I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but I pictured her getting mad the way you did, and I chickened out." "I wrote her a note." "Give it to her, please?" "But you came to see Lilly?" "Yeah." "Why?" "Lilly's dead." "She what?" "She's dead." "Are you sure?" "If she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake." "I can't believe this." "I just can't believe..." "How...?" "Oh, my God." "How long ago?" "17 years ago." "What about the girls?" "Well, Ursula is a waitress and she lives in Soho." "And Phoebe is on this couch." "Yep, lipstick and a daughter." "Big day for you!" "Phoebe, I..." "It's just, I don't know what to say." "I just can't believe that you're my daughter." "You're so pretty." "Yes, well, that's neither here nor there." "Would it make you feel better if I said that I was very, very sorry I left?" "It doesn't matter what you say." "It won't make a difference." "So you can just go." "Well, you know, in my defense, I was a lousy father." " That's your defense?" " Yes, it is." "I burned the formula, and I put your diapers on backwards." "I made up a song to sing to you, but that made you cry even more." "You make up songs?" "Well, no, just that one." "But it was stupid." "Let's see, how did it go?" "Sleepy girl, sleepy girl" "Why won't you go to sleep?" "Sleepy girl, sleepy girl" "You're keeping me up" "I'm not very good at this." "Well, I am." "Not yet." "No." "How'd the audition go?" "Estelle said I didn't get it." "What?" "Why?" "Joey, you were so ready for it." "I thought so too but the casting people had problems with me." "What kind of problem?" "To tell you the truth they had a problem with the bag!" "You know what?" "It was a stupid play anyway." "It's time to give up the bag." "I don't want to give up the bag." "I don't have to give it up." "Do I, Rach?" "You think I should give up the bag!" "Joey, I'm sorry." "As terrific as I think you are with it I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag." "I can't believe this!" "Wait, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a bag." "There are other bags that are maybe a little less controversial." "Yeah, they're called wallets." "You're right." "You're right." "This bag has become like a part of me." "It's like... my bag." "It had a place for everything." " Oh, man." " What?" "There's a whole series of pockets here I didn't even know about, Rach." "Look." "Ursula, I have the most amazing news." "I found our dad." "Phoebe." "Your sister." "And I found our dad." "John Glenn?" "John Glenn is not our dad." "No, I will not join you in the lawsuit against him." "It doesn't matter that he wasn't there while we were growing up." "He's not our father." "What do you mean that's for a jury to decide?" "robinson_crusoe"