"(upbeat march plays)" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶" "¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶" "¶ And he's shining a salute to the American race ¶" "¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say" "¶ Good..." "¶ Good morning, USA" "Aah!" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "STEVE:" "Radishes are looking healthy." "Strawberries have their seeds on the outside." "That's good." "Zucchini appropriately phallic... inducing slight feelings of inadequacy." "What the...!" "These tomatoes are mired in the dirt!" "They're-they're in danger of getting ground rot!" "They look okay to me." "The day "okay" is good enough for this garden club is the day I resign as its president!" "We're co-presidents, Steve." "Then start acting like it!" "Oh, what nice tomatoes." "No, Mom, they're not." "(quietly):" "What are you doing here?" "You're making me look uncool in front of the garden club!" "Gardening?" "Steve, that's one of my four things!" "And you and I haven't really done anything together in a while." "Can I join?" "Gardening is about creating something from nothing and watching it grow." "What would you know about that, Mother?" "Pfft!" "Anyway... if we intend to have gazpacho for Arbor Day, we're gonna need a tomato cage, stat." "To the gardening store!" "Ooh, maybe I could drive you." "We could play car bingo!" "I'll let you smoke!" "(finishing lively song)" "I got to say, I'm all a-tither for our big performance." "I know, right?" "Russian balalaika trios are gonna be the next big thing, and we'll be at the forefront, raking in the rubles." "Then where's our audience?" "Relax." "People will show." "I mean, we're the only game in town, right?" "I mean, it's not like there's anyone else in Langley Falls working their asses off to keep alive the orchestral folk traditions of tsarist Russia!" "Just made my own sandwich for the first time." "Awful." "Just awful." "Mm." "Mm." "Oh, oh, oh, God." "(sighs)" "What's your drama, Mama?" "Steve doesn't want anything to do with me anymore." "We used to have so much in common, but now..." "Oh, it's all perfectly natural." "Steve is becoming a man, and one aspect of being a man is having absolutely no interest in women." "(groans) I suppose you're right." "Of course I'm right-- because I'm a man." "A man, Francine." "From my head down to my low-hanging... (amplified heartbeat)" "(quiet crunching)" "Ooh!" "Stan!" "Are you okay?" "(siren wailing)" "(whistles) This is some thick-ass gauge wire." "We're buying it." "Barry, hand over the money." "I don't have any money." "But you're the treasurer." "We-we gave you all of our club funds to manage." "I spent it all on dance moves!" "Jealous?" "A little." "(sighing):" "Aw, great." "Well, we need this cage." "So I guess we have no choice but to steal it." "Okay, so Toshi's in, I'm in." "You guys in?" "Okay, but how are we gonna do it?" "(fierce yelling)" "That was awesome!" "What a rush!" "I'm shaking." "I want to rip something off!" "No, me!" "In time, fellows." "But you're just beginners, so we need to find a place that's easy to steal from." "Hmm..." "I don't get it." "Why didn't people come?" "We had 45 maybes on our Evites." "Hayley, "maybe" means no." "The only place that "maybe" means maybe is sex." "Maybe." "Okay, I'll bite." "What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?" "Stan was... injured and went into a rare condition known as..." ""testicular retreat syndrome."" "His, um... nuggs were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal." "What?" "Will he be okay?" "We don't know yet." "They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooded thicket." "Wait, hold on a second." "I'm confused." "Why the hell didn't you dicks show up to our balalaika concert?" "!" "(high-pitched):" "I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!" "(both laughing)" "Stop!" "So what if I sound a little feminine?" "Stop laughing and treat me with the respect I deserve!" "(both laughing)" "My voice is not that... (dogs barking in distance) ...not that high." "(barking continues)" "It's a little higher than usual." "(dogs barking, banging against door)" "And that, Mr. Baby, is why I vastly prefer a good round of marbles to these confounded video games." "Back in my day, all we had to have fun was sleepy hobos and fire ants." "Well, thanks for the trip down memory lane, but there's a can outside, and it's not gonna kick itself." "(jail cell door slamming shut)" "Hold it right there, son." "Abort!" "Abort!" "What's in your pocket there?" "And how about your other pocket?" "I-I'm in a gardening club!" "(groans) There, there, sweetie." "Hey, Stan, want me to horse whisper those bad boys out of there?" "(whispering inaudibly)" "Wh-What did they say?" "It's no use." "There's no talking sense into them... 'cause they're nuts!" "¶ Aah!" "Thank you!" "Aah!" "Ha-ha!" "Dad, things'll turn out okay." "Jawohl." "I lost my testes when I became a fish." "But being a fish isn't all bad." "Now I can write inspirational messages in the water." "No!" "I'm a freak!" "Until my boys drop and my voice returns," "I vow you'll never hear me speak again!" "Starting... (phone rings)" "Hello." "What?" "Oh, no!" "I'll be right down!" "Aah!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Wow!" "¶" "Ha!" "Yeah!" "Thank you for letting Steve off with just a warning, Mr. Baby." "Well, you're lucky I'm just a mom-and-pop operation." "Technically, just a pop operation, since the woman I share my bed with is not the mother of my children, but a toothless candy whore who I pay in Razzles." "But the bigger corporate stores won't be so forgiving with your boy." "Oh, don't you worry." "Steve will learn his lesson." "Yo, Julian, where my Razzles?" "!" "Damn it, woman, why won't you yell at me?" "!" "And what are we doing in your bedroom?" "Oh, God!" "You're gonna lock me in your closet!" "(trembles) But that's where the Blouse Monster lives!" "(mechanical whirring)" "A-A secret room?" "STEVE:" "What is this stuff?" "Ah, just a lot of things I've stolen over the years... successfully." "What?" "!" "Don't you get it, Steve?" "I'm not angry at you for stealing." "I'm angry that you got caught!" "Aah!" "Blouse Monster!" "No!" "I won't put you on!" "I don't understand." "You're telling me you shoplifted all this stuff?" "And unlike you," "I haven't gotten caught in 20 years." "Wow, look at all these treasures." "A ream of printer paper, a VHS tape rewinder, a four-pack of paint rollers." "Huh, this all looked a lot more impressive on first glance." "That's 'cause I give 'em all a regular spritz with this Sparkle Spray." "It's so beautiful." "This is all so... badass!" "I thought you were a typical, lame mom, but it turns out you're a hard-core criminal?" "A criminal is someone who gets caught, Steve." "We're artists." "We?" "That's right." "You're my son." "And from now on, when my son steals, he's gonna know how to get away with it." "(indistinct conversations)" "I can't believe we're getting ready to shoplift together!" "What mother doesn't dream of this moment?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Let's do this!" "Let's lift some khakis!" "The Gash?" "You can't start there." "The security is top-notch." "First, I have to teach you everything about how to work a snatch." "Please tell me we're still talking about stealing." "¶ Why don't we steal away?" "¶ Why don't we steal away" "¶ Into the night?" "¶ I know it ain't right" "¶ Don't tease me" "¶ Why don't you please me?" "¶ Then show me" "¶ What you came here for" "¶ Why don't we steal away?" "¶ Why don't we steal away" "¶ Into the night?" "¶ I know it ain't right." "(playing balalaika music)" "He liked it!" "Uh, not so fast." "I think the periods imply detached sarcasm." "Of course they do!" "The entire second verse you were plucking instead of plinking!" "Don't you start, fish!" "You play that gusli like a syphilitic babushka!" "Quiet!" "You're both bourgeois mediocrities." "Wait." "Where are you going?" "I don't need you two to get famous." "Most people just come to hear the garmon anyway." "Fine." "The mariachi band at El Compadre's been begging me to join 'em." "And I'll just become a solo gusli sensation!" "(laughing)" "Look who thinks he's the next Igor Kasminov." "(gasps) That is it!" "From here on, consider this balalaika trio kaputsky!" "Fine!" "Nothing will unite us ever again!" "Presents!" "Hayley, this megaphone is the absolute top-of-the-line." "Certain to make you the most annoying person at your next Occupy rally." "Thanks, Dingus!" "Roger, I found you this limited-edition porcelain doll of JonBenet Ramsey... as an angel." "Are you implying that there was any version of her that wasn't?" "(crying):" "Oh, God, I love her so much!" "Klaus, we got you a Tiffany fishbowl." "It's just like your regular fishbowl, except it's expensive for some reason." "Whatever, as long as I have the blue box to show the girls!" "And finally, for Stan, a custom Rolex with a special display that counts down the minutes until Rachel Maddow's death!" "How did I pay for all this?" "Well... money, of course." "Oh, who are we kidding?" "!" "We lifted it!" "We pinched it!" "We gave it the old Zazzoo!" "(gasps) I'm assuming from context that old Zazzoo also means stealing." "Yes." "(gasps)" "I can't believe what I'm hearing!" "Shoplifting?" "Seriously, guys?" "For shame!" "(muffled laughter)" "Francine, what are we teaching our children and aliens and fish?" "I may not have the authority around here I once had, but damn it, I still know what's right!" "I'm sorry, but Rachel Maddow's death will just have to come as a pleasant surprise to me." "Promise me you two will never steal again." "Okay, Dad." "I promise we'll never shoplift again." "Will we, Mom?" "Okay." "Are we done here?" "'Cause we were in the middle of a storm-off." "Our balalaika trio is finished!" "Dad, are you bathing?" "'Cause it-it smells like you're... not bathing." "Well, this is still fun." "I mean, we're hanging out." "(loud slurping through straw)" "Um, we don't have to hang out at the mall." "We could always get a motorcycle with a sidecar and find lost dogs!" "Yeah." "See you later, Mom." "Wait!" "What if we shoplift again?" "What?" "I mean... we can't go out like this." "We got to have one final heist." "But we promised Dad." "Look, this isn't just any heist." "I'm talking about hitting The Gash." "The Gash?" "!" "You mean I'm finally ready?" "No, Steve." "We're ready." "Yeah, you're ready!" "I'm liking that confidence!" "Anyway, what's next?" "Where we going?" "Okay, I'll create a distraction while you run a reverse snatch-and-grab down the cardigan table." "Meet at the fountain at 2:00." "Got it." "Excuse me." "I think there's something wrong with this changing room." "(rats squeaking) (gasps)" "Oh, she is good." "(indistinct shouting, rats squeaking)" "Huh." "Excuse me." "Have you seen my beautiful boy?" "Yeah, he was here." "But our Loss Prevention Unit has him now." "(gasping)" "(insects trilling)" "(whirring and dinging) Aah!" "Hi there, shoplifter!" "Welcome to The Gash... sweatshop!" "(whirring)" "(Steve screams)" "(birds singing)" "Excuse me, miss?" "Hi." "How can I help you today?" "I was just wondering, who's my union representative?" "(screaming)" "Okay." "Oh." "Anything else I can help you with?" "No, thanks." "Okay, well, my name's Harper if you need anything." "How long have you been here?" "20 years." "Oh, my God, I just realized I can't take it anymore!" "(rhythmic beeping)" "(punches landing)" "(beeping stops)" "No!" "Not the sweater fold!" "(screaming, snapping)" "(grunting)" "(grunting)" "(panting):" "Stan!" "I'm sorry." "I ran all the way home because I forgot I had my car with me." "The Gash's Loss Prevention Unit caught Steve shoplifting!" "You guys were shoplifting again?" "Skip the lecture." "When people get caught shoplifting from The Gash, they're never heard from again." "Well, I wish I could help you, but I am powerless without my nuggs." "Only you can save our son." "You're the man of the house now." "(doors creaking)" "Good-bye, Stan." "Do whatever it takes to get Steve back." "(door slams)" "¶ Climb every mountain" "¶ Search high and low" "¶ Follow every byway" "¶ Every path you know" "¶ Climb every mountain" "¶ Ford every stream" "¶ Follow every rainbow" "¶ Till you find your dream" "¶ A dream that will need" "¶ All the love you can give" "¶ Every day of your life" "¶ For as long as you live" "¶ Climb every mountain" "¶ Ford every stream" "¶ Follow every rainbow" "¶ Till you find your dream!" "(song ends)" "Oh, my God, that was transcendent!" "With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!" "I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet." "How about it, Daddy?" "I suppose I could give it a try." "Yay!" "(whoops)" "Yes!" "Yeah, it'll be fun, right?" "I mean, this could be just what I need to get me out of this living room." "(two pops) (in normal voice):" "And back into life." "My boys just dropped!" "No, no." "No!" "Thank God." "I'm back to normal." "I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all." "¶ Swing low, sweet chariot... ¶" "Ah, to hell with it." "(discordant tones playing)" "(birds singing)" "Hello." "Welcome to The Gash's infamous third-world sweatshop." "Hola." "I'm an inspector from..." "the government." "We have concerns your sweatshop isn't cruel enough." "Ridiculous!" "As you can see, our facility is exceptionally cruel." "Our workers may pray for freedom, but they hope for death." "Oh, what a pretty coat!" "What's your name?" "Worker 39872." "But I used to be called Matilda." "I don't like the spunk in this one." "Seems like she still has some will to live." "I'll interview her alone." "Okay, Matilda, here's the deal." "I'm not really an inspector." "I'm a shoplifter, just like you." "Are-are you the one?" "The savior foretold in our legends come to free us from our bondage?" "Huh?" "No." "Oh." "That sucks." "Have you seen this kid around here?" "Well, I don't know him, but, uh, the latest batch of arrivals ended up in Zone Q." "Wait!" "If-if you're getting out of here, could you take me with you?" "You have my word, Matilda." "Steve?" "!" "Floobity-floobity!" "(grunts)" "Mom?" "!" "Steve!" "Let's get out of here." "What about my sensor tag?" "You'll never get me through those gates." "(snap)" "Whoa." "How'd you do that?" "This is me we're talking about." "The woman who once crotchwalked an oven out of a Sears." "Crotchwalked?" "Oh, dear." "Thanks for the access." "I'll be sure to give a favorable report." "Thank you, and may I just say, you look in no way suspicious to me." "(pop) Aah!" "Just send me back to work." "I can't be all up in that." "She's trying to liberate a shoplifter!" "Seize them!" "I'm really sorry, Mom." "I blew it for both of us." "You didn't blow anything, sweetie." "I've still got one last shoplifting trick up my sleeve." "(explosion)" "(machine gun fire)" "Not really a shoplifting trick so much as one of Dad's grenades, Mom." "Hey, it worked at Macy's!" "(bullet ricocheting)" "(crickets chirping)" "Matilda!" "Bitch." "Captioned by MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "Bye!" "Have a beautiful time."