"Traffic is moving nicely from Meacham Road to River Road." "There is a 20-car back up at the Devon Avenue toll." "The northbound I-290 extension at Thorndale Avenue had a spin out." "That car was blocking the right-hand lane and the lane coming off the eastbound Thorndale Avenue entrance ramp leading to the northbound I-290 extension, this caused a back up..." "Come on, we've got relatives invading." "Ginny, Mike, Sara, Sam." "Come on, everybody up." " I think I have a fever." " You don't have a fever." " Shut your face." " Make me." " Dad, Mike hit me." " You liar." "Mike, we've got a wedding tomorrow." "Try to cooperate." "Dad, I didn't hit her." "I'd like to and I probably will later but give me a break." "I don't hit her when you're just down the hall." "Pick on someone your own size." "Open this door." "Daddy, I'm the one getting married." "Not until tomorrow." "I've got a mouthful of toothpaste." "I happen to have a serious problem." "Dad, she got her period." "Should make an interesting honeymoon." " Where do you learn that stuff?" " School." "Good." "I'm getting my money's worth." "They were fantastic." "Just great." "~ It's a good thing you don't have a bus fare ~" "~ It would fall through the hole in your pocket ~" "~ And you'd lose it in the snow on the ground ~" "~ You got to walk into town to find a job ~" "~ Tryin' to keep your hands warm... ~" "Chronologically, you're 16 today." "Physically you're still 15." "Hopeless." "Nope, I look exactly the same as I have since summer." "Utterly forgettable." "No, I didn't expect to wake up transformed." "I thought turning 16 would be so major that I'd wake up with an improved mental state showing on my face." "All it shows is that I don't have any sort of a tan left." "I better get downstairs." "My family is probably pissed off they haven't wished me happy birthday." "All right." "I'll see you at school." "You need four inches of bod and a great birthday." " Where's my case?" " Where did you leave it?" " Don't be a smart ass." " OK, I'll be a dumb ass." " Where's Sam?" " Where's my briefcase?" " Allow me, Brenda." "Hey, birth defect!" " You missed breakfast again." "It wasn't my idea to give her her own phone line." "I don't have my own." "It's small, brown, leather, it has my initials on it and I believe that's it." "Don't forget the grandparents are coming." " Are we dining with the Rice-czyk's?" " Ryszczyk's." "Eight o'clock." "Learn their names." "As of tomorrow, they're family." "That's a lovely thought." "When it's your turn to marry, elope." " Who would marry her?" " Mr T." "I'm sorry, you'll have to buy lunch." "I didn't fix your carrots." "They're only to increase the size of her breasts." "Shape up or you will miss your sister's wedding." "Promise?" "Now don't give me that pouty look of yours." "Eat your carrots when you get home." "That's it?" "You don't have anything else to say to me today?" "What would you like me to say, Sam?" "Come on now, honey." "You're going to miss the bus." "Have a good day." "I can't believe this." "They fucking forgot my birthday." "They didn't forget your birthday They didn't remember right away." "Same difference." "It's a drag that it's the day before Ginny marries, but big deal." "Did anyone ever forget your birthday?" " Come on." " Everything's getting shittier." "My family forgetting makes it more vivid." "Did you expect a breakfast birthday party?" "They could have said, "Happy Birthday." It was like any other day." "Why not remind them?" "Their massive guilt could be profitable." "I wouldn't stoop to remind them." "Since I was 12, I've looked forward to my sweet 16 - a party, a band..." "Tons of people." "A pink Trans-Am with a ribbon around it and a gorgeous guy you meet in France." "Do it on a cloud without getting herpes." " No cloud." " Just a pink Trans-Am and a guy?" " A black one." " A black guy?" "A black Trans-Am, a pink guy." "Oh, no!" "~ I remember always, always ~" "~ I got such a fright ~" "~ Seeing them in my dark cupboard ~" "~ With my great big cake ~" "~ If they were me If they were me ~" "~ And I was you And I was you ~" "~ If they were me If they were me ~" "~ And I was you And I was you ~" "~ If they were me and I was you ~" "~ Would you have liked a present too?" "~" "~ Happy, happy birthday in a hot bath ~" "~ To those nice nice nights ~" "~ I remember always, always ~" "~ I got such a fright ~" "~ Seeing them in my dark cupboard ~" "~ With my great big cake ~" "~ If they were me If they were me ~" "~ And I was you And I was you ~" "~ If they were me If they were me ~" "~ And I was you And I was you ~" "~ If they were me and I was you ~" "~ Would you have liked a present too?" "~" "~ Happy birthday, happy birthday ~" "~ Happy birthday, happy birthday ~" "~ Happy birthday, happy birthday ~" "~ Happy birthday, happy birthday ~" "~ Happy birthday, happy birthday ~" "~ Happy birthday, happy birthday... ~" " You swear you don't have it?" " I don't know anything about it." "Jennifer Woods gave me a 'sex test'." "I was supposed to do it and pass it to you." " I'm totally screwed." " Did you put your name on it?" "No, but it was embarrassing." "I named who I'd do it with if I did it." " Who did you name?" " Jake Ryan." "He doesn't even know you exist." " Thank you, that's a nice thing to say!" " Sorry, but Jake Ryan?" "He's a senior, and taken." "Really taken." "I know." "He's supposed to be my ideal." "He's ideal for sure but forget it." "I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it." "I'd shit twice and die." "Do you know Samantha Baker?" " Sophomore, right?" " Yeah, what do you think of her?" "I don't." "Would you ever go out with her?" "Depends on how much you paid me." "She's not ugly." "There's nothing there, man." "It's not ugly, it's just void." "There's something about her." "I do Independent Study with her." "She looks at me a lot." "It's cool the way she's always looking at me." "Maybe she's retarded." "I'm being serious." "OK?" "She looks at me like she's in love with me." "Jake, she's a child." "So?" "What are you going to do with her?" "She's too young to party serious." "Maybe I'm interested in more than a party." "Jake, you talk like you're hard up." "You've got Caroline." "She's a woman." "Unbelievable." "I swear Caroline Mulford had to flunk about nine grades." " It truly makes me ill." " She's perfect." "Practically impossible to cut up." "She's really sweet, her brother is deaf, and everybody worships her." "And she's going with Jake." "I'm going to kill myself." "My man!" "I loathe the bus." "There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation." " I hope you get a car for your birthday." " Let's not hold our breath." "Score." "A direct hit." "On second thought..." "Move it." " Call me." " Call me." "Tell me what happened." "I can tell you right now, nothing." "Feeling sorry for yourself is bad for your complexion." "How's it going?" "How's what going?" "You know, things, life, whatnot." "Life is not whatnot and it's none of your business." " Are you going to the dance tonight?" " That's also none of your business." "Are you inhibited about dancing in public?" "You could just stand there with me and my dudes and just be you." "Sounds major." "So what's the story?" "You got a guy?" "Yes, three." "They lust for wimp blood." "Quit bugging me or I'll sick them all over your weenie ass." "I'm getting input that I'm reading as relatively hostile." "Go to hell." "Very hostile." "What's the problem?" "I'm a boy, you're a girl." "Is there anything wrong with me trying to put together a relationship between us?" "I know you have to go." "Answer one question." "Yes, you're a total fag." "That's not the question." "Am I turning you on?" "It's encouraging, very encouraging." "You know a girl with a hat is just so vogue." "Yeah!" "Where are my blue socks, Dorothy?" "Do you mean you didn't pack them?" "Not again, Howard." "Can't I trust you?" "Do you expect me to do all the packing?" "Well, at least I brought this for you." " Sam." " Samantha." " Look." " Oh, look." " Hi!" " Hi." "Oh, God." "Sweetheart, my goodness are you a sight for sore eyes." "Just look!" "How are you, my little lamb chop?" "I'm fine, Grandpa." " How are you?" " Pretty good." " I have the back pain..." " My corns are killing me." "I have headaches but I brought the ice bag..." "So you're sleeping up here?" "Your Grandfather Fred jumped our claim on Sara's room so we're here." "I haven't seen you guys in a while." "Do I look any older today?" " No, I wouldn't say so." "Would you?" " No." "I hope it isn't cold tomorrow." "You know Ginny." "She'll refuse to wear a coat." " If she does you mustn't bug her." " I'm not going to." "I'll set myself up in Mike's room." "See you later." "OK, sweetheart." "Grandpa and I are looking forward to a nice long, long visit with you." " Aces!" " We certainly are." "See you a little later." "We've got a lot to do." "I swear to God, this has got to be a joke." "Grandparents forgetting a birthday?" "They live for that shit." "~ With my arms around you... ~" "Well, well." "If it isn't Sammy Baker-Davis Junior." " Hi, Grandpa." " I've got one for you." "Knock, knock." " Who's there?" " Who." " Who who?" " Helen." "We've got an owl out here in the hall." "Fred, leave her alone." "You'll make her tinkle." " Come on, Helen." " Sam, let me look at you." "Fred, she's gotten her boobies." "I better go get my magnifying glass." "Oh, and they are so perky." "I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up." "What's happening, hot stuff?" "His name is Long Duk Dong." " What?" " Long Duk Dong." "He came with Grandma and Grandpa Baker." "He's an exchange student." "He is totally bizarre." "He is not." "He is a very sweet boy." "I just hope you burn the sheets and mattresses after he leaves." "There's a very weird Chinese guy up in Mike's room." "Ginny dumped Rudy." "He's her new fiancé." "Mike, stop it." "Sam, could you help the grandmothers with supper?" "Dad and I have to go to dinner with the Rice-czyk's." " Ryszczyk's." " Ryszczyk's." "Do you think there's any reason I should stay home tonight?" "It might be nice to visit with your grandparents and Long Duk Dong." "Who?" "The weird Chinese guy in Mike's room." " I think I have a dance to go to." " That's OK." "Can you remember to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?" "I can remember lots of things." " This is the worst day of my life." " What are you bitching about?" "I have to sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork." " Where am I sleeping?" " Sofa City, sweetheart." "Do you think Grandpa Fred's going to embarrass me?" "Why not?" "He does it to everyone else." "He already asked me if Rudy was the oily variety bohunk." "Is he?" "Don't be cute." "I really love Rudy." "And he is totally enamoured of me." "I mean I've had men who have loved me before, but not for six months in a row." "I think I'm in love." "So, how long have you been in love?" "Well, it hasn't really happened yet." "So what's the deal?" "I'm not sure that he knows I exist." "Sam, I really don't have time for this." "I'm sorry!" "I always listen to you talk about your boyfriends." "Darling, is something bothering you?" "You're really acting like an asshole." "And I think I know what it is." "You're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention." "Everybody in this family has gone totally "Outer Limits"." "No, Sam." "I think you're just being a little selfish and immature." "Oh, yes." "That's it." "That's exactly it." "Unbelievable." "Make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you." "Very clever dinner." "Appetising food fitting neatly into interesting round pie." "It's a quiche." " How do you spell it?" " You don't spell it, son." "You eat it." "Dong has only been in our country a short time, Fred." "I think we can all help him assimilate." "Long Duk Dong is your age, Sam." "You two should have a lot to chat about." "I love visiting with Grandma and Grandpa and writing letters to parents and pushing the lawn mowing machine so Grandpa's hyena don't get disturbed." "Hernia." "Yes, indeed." "He does the dishes and helps with the laundry, you betcha." " May I be excused?" " Where are you going?" "I have dance to go to at school." "It's a very important dance." "We're being graded on it for Gym." "Wait a minute, I have a wonderful idea." "Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?" "I wonder if Jake is here." "Don't get jacked up about a guy that isn't a thing yet." "If you don't have anything you don't have anything to lose." "That's cheerful!" "Let's go make ourselves available." " That's the one, dude." " She doesn't look like a freshman." "Sophomore, dude." "Sophomore." "Fully-aged sophomore meat." " We do the bus." " Have you talked to her?" "Talk?" "Dude, I have a relationship with her." " You are such a liar." " We'll see about that, my man." "By night's end I predict me and her will interface." "~ Huh huh huh hu-uh huh ~" "~ Huh huh huh hu-uh huh ~" "~ I know this much is true ~" "~ Huh huh huh hu-uh huh... ~" "Check it out." "Pretty intense, huh?" "Over." "All right." "I knew you would come around." "Christ!" "Crank that, sister." "Very hot, very hot." "This night is happening." "I'm blowing your mind, aren't I?" "I'm just getting warmed up." "Way to go, dickface." "She took off." "Don't spaz out." "The situation will come online." "I'll bet you a dozen floppy disks you don't even get tit." "You got a bet, scumbag." "Get it on." "Take off." "You wouldn't be able to prove it anyway." "A, don't hit me." "Secondly, what kind of proof do you want?" "Video." "No way." "I could see it getting duped and winding up on cable somewhere." "Try again." "Underpants." "No problem, buttlick." "Girls' underpants." "~ She's got her layered hair And her flared jeans ~" "~ You know what that means?" "She's just a little queen ~" "~ She shares your London flat ~" "~ She thinks that London's where it's at ~" "~ Although it stinks and when it rains you wear your hat ~" "~ And your plum coloured PVC wet look maxi-mac ~" "~ You tie your ginger hair back in a bun ~" "~ You're the ugliest creature under the sun... ~" " So what's your name?" " Dong." " What's your first name?" " Long." "What's your middle name?" "Duk." "I bet all the boys chase you plenty in school." "Nobody has caught me yet." "I bet you are a big teaser." "No, I can run the 40 in five flat." "Flat?" "Hey." "I'm really sorry." "Whatever I did was an accident." "Relax." "You were dancing with a girl..." "Oh, man." "I'm really sorry." "I must have been on drugs." "I..." "Do you know her?" "She grabbed me." "I'm innocent." "Is she yours?" "What do you know about her?" "She has smallish tits, a decent voice." "Smells pretty good." "She drives me crazy." " Did she come here with you?" " No." "But if it's OK with my dad, she's going home with me." "Excuse me." "Do you want to blow off this dance?" " I am bored of break-up insanity." " And go where?" "Well, Jake's parents aren't home." " How is it going?" " Fine." "Jake's paranoid about his house getting trashed." "Again." "~ The hours I spend investigating ~" "~ A way of living with no misgiving ~" "~ I yearn for it ~" "OK" "Try and get a little bit lower." "Yes, I'm back." "So I smell." "That's my shaving cream." "Want to feel a clean, close shave?" "I'll pass." "Couldn't find anyone else to bug?" "You know you're the one I want to bug." "This is my friend Randy and that's Jimmy Montrose." " This is Farmer Fred." " Ted." " I'm sorry." "This is Farmer Ted." " I'm not a farmer, I'm a freshman." " Geek, can I be honest with you?" " Not if you're going to insult me." " Shoot." " Get the hell out of here." "Nice manners, babe." "She's totally serious, asswipe." "Chill." "Do you want to split with me?" " My mum tells me..." " I can't handle this." "...if you want something you gotta ask for it." "It's embarrassing for me." "I don't know." "It's just..." "I'm sorry about what happened in the gym." "I had no idea you couldn't dance." " What a decent night, huh?" " It's my birthday." "~ You say it's your birthday ~" "~ It's my birthday too... ~" "Don't do that, OK?" "~ Hey Jude... ~" "Just stop it, OK." "It's really been a shitty birthday for me." "No offence, but I don't need a serenade." " You didn't get anything good?" " I didn't get shit." "Not even a "happy birthday"." "My whole family blew it off." "I'd freak if my family forgot." "I'm 16." "Everything should be platinum." " I should be happy, right?" "Right?" " Yeah." "Well, I can't get happy." "It is physically impossible for me to get happy." "Would you feel better if you knew one of my secrets?" " Don't gross me out." " No, we're not talking gross." "It's just embarrassing." "This cannot leave this room." "It would devastate my reputation as a dude." "No problem." "I've never bagged a babe." "I'm not a stud." "I got the rep in sixth grade." "It stuck with me." "I'm still on hold." "Look, I'd appreciate you not laughing." "OK?" "I'm sorry." "That's not what I meant." "I meant..." "Back off, Junior." "Pardon me." "It's OK." "I meant that it's OK you did it once." "I didn't mean for you to do it again." "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "Just now I really felt how much you liked me." "You're probably zoning in on my brainwaves." "Not really, I felt it on my leg." "Come on." "I don't want to see it." "Sorry if I embarrassed you." "I'm not embarrassed." "Fresh breath is a priority in my life." "I don't want to hurt you." "It's human of you to listen to my bullshit." "I care about it." "Really." "I know I came on like a poosa on the bus tonight and everything, but that's just so my friends won't think I'm a jerk." "But they're all pretty much jerks though, aren't they?" "The thing is I'm kind of like the leader." "Like the king of the dipshits." "Well that's pretty cool." "A lot can happen over a year." "You could come back next fall as a normal person." " Yeah?" " Sure." "Would it be totally off the wall if I asked if I could have sex with you?" "You asking is not as off the wall as why I won't." " VD?" " No." "I'm sort of saving myself." "It's really stupid, he doesn't even know I exist." "Who?" "WHO?" "Jake Ryan." "You like Jake?" "Jake's my boy." "I just talked to Jake." "He asked me about you." " He did not." " He did too." "He asked what you were like." "If you're lying I'll beat the crap out of you." " I'm not lying." " Oh, my God." "What should I do?" "Should I say, "Hi Jake, I'm Samantha", or let him come to me?" "Not my department." "What if I let him come to me but he forgets?" "Or changes his mind." "Then I'm totally screwed, right?" "Apparently so." "What would you do if you were me?" "I'm a gambling man by nature and I'd go for it." "This is so strange but I think I will." "Oh, you're the best." "Wait..." " What?" " Know anything about floppy disks?" "We'll talk about this on the bus, OK?" "I've got kind of a problem." "Floppy disks are pretty expensive and I made a bet with my friends - the dipshits." "I bet them I'd do it with you." "Before I knew you." "I can get proof without getting physical." " How?" " Can I borrow your underpants?" "It's time to blow this off and go to your house." "I told Tracy and Robin to come to your house." "I told them not to tell anybody." "I love it when your parents are out of town." "I fantasize I'm your wife and we're the richest, most popular adults in town." "I owe all my great weekends to you." " What's your problem?" " What?" "You've been acting weird all night." " Are you screwing around?" " Me?" "Are you crazy?" "I don't know, Jake." "I'm getting strange signals." "They're not coming from me." "Everything's fine." "Don't have a cow." "Just remember one thing." "I can name 20 guys who would kill to love me." " Is that a threat?" " It's a fact, Jake." "Come on, before we get in a big wicked fight, let's get out of here." "Hi, Jake, I'm Samantha." "How's it going?" "Do you got a cigarette?" "This may sound dumb, but I love you and I'll do anything to make you love me." "I love your shirt." "Jake, you won't believe this but I had this bizarre dream and you were in it." "For the last time." "I'm not going to tell you again." "Act like a man." "I want to be with you guys." "~ Oh!" "Ha!" "~" "~ You oh-oh are my desire ~" "~ You you make me cry ~" "~ You oh-oh are my desire ~" "~ Oh baby you you you you make me cry ~" "~ Got to find you know you're out there... ~" "I can't believe I'm such a jerk." "He smiles at me and I say nothing." "And I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek." " What year are you?" " Freshman." "Give me a buck." "Get in." "Shut up." "Bryce." "Ted." "Go for it." "Hey, listen, I want to thank you for loaning me the Donger." "He's really bitchin'." "That's OK, you guys make a great couple." "I've never been so happy in my whole life." "You maniac!" "Now I have a place to put my hand." "So basically, Jimmy, my business is video game arcades laundry, cigarette machines and trucking." "I dabble a little bit in personal loans and politics." "Very nice." "All that really matters is that the kids are happy together." "Just as long as my beautiful boy remembers that marrying means he's out of the girl of the month club." "Hey, wait a minute, I can still look." "I just can't touch." "Right?" " Oh, sensitive." " Rudy." " Cheers." " Right on." "You do shots?" "Come on, wolf it." "Good night, Marlene." "See you later, Dong." "Sammy, tell Grandpa not to wait up." "Let's go boogie." "Sure." "Donger's here five hours and he's got somebody." "I live here my whole life and I'm like a disease." "Everybody, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Jake." "Jake, this is... everybody." "Check it out." "All right, whose is this?" "Such a poop." "Woof!" "Ted." "That's my mum." "Change your frequency." "Don't be such a wimp." "Take those ridiculous things off, OK." "Will you guys grow up?" "Ted, won't we get pounded if we go to a Senior party?" "We've got 70 dollars and a pair of girl's underpants." "We're as safe as kittens, OK?" "This is a great social opportunity for us." "Come on." " Do not embarrass me." " For sure, we won't." " Will you fix your hair, Bryce." " I already did." "Close your bone, all right." " And be polite to his parents." " OK." "Hey, come on in." "The party's hot, dude, person." "He's from out of town." "He speaks English, right?" " Don't be such faggots." " Man, shut up." "Kidding, sorry." " You think we're gonna die?" " Definitely." " Did you put the cat out?" " We don't have a cat." "Come on, damn it, answer." "Oh, eat me." "Who is it?" "Well, what did they want?" "Sex." "Geek." "Very nice!" "We're here five minutes and..." "I'm at a loss." "Real smooth, Cliff!" "You know, I've never been out with a boy before." "Me neither." "Jake?" "Where are you, Jake?" "Jakey, have you stopped loving me?" "Leave me alone." "What?" " I'm sorry, I don't do that." " Yes you do." " I know." " Come on." "Trace!" "You guys, can you help me please?" " Oh, shit." " I'm your prom queen." "Trace, you guys, I'm serious." "Come on, I need help." "I need help, too!" " What's the problem?" " Several things." "OK, we'll help." "No problem." "Don't go away, Caroline baby." "Hello." "Hello?" "Listen, I know you're there." "I can hear you breathing." "Yes." "Hello, sir..." "Are you the bugger that's been calling here all night and hanging up?" "Could you tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there and if so, may I converse with her briefly?" "Yes it is, and no you may not." "Might I leave a message, sir?" "He wants to leave a message for Sam." "Give me that phone." "Now you listen to me, mister." "God did not put me on this earth to be awakened by filthy suggestions from a foul-mouthed hooligan like you." "As for our granddaughter," "I'm sure that she has enough sense to stay clear of you." "Now good night and goodbye." "That was great!" "Sam's lucky she has us, Howard." "Yeah, even if she doesn't appreciate us." " You promise you won't get mad?" " No, I love you." "OK, close your eyes." "Scalpel." "Oh, my God!" "That was wonderful." "I'm so proud of you." "I don't know how to thank you enough." "My pleasure." " My God!" " Wow." "I hope they have insurance." "What a disaster." "Jake." "Sam?" "Sweetheart?" " Daddy?" " Hi, kiddo." " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "Everything's fine." "I was just upstairs and I couldn't sleep." "I feel like a real jerk, honey." "We forgot your birthday." " I bet you're really P.O.'d?" " No, it's OK." "I'm not all that upset any more." "This wedding is really turning this entire house inside out and I just came down to tell you that we did remember." "Thanks, Dad." "Happy Birthday." "Is something else wrong?" "No, why?" "I get the feeling that something's bothering you, other than your birthday." "No, I'm fine." "Really." "I think I know what it is." "It has to do with a certain guy?" "I know, honey." "We're all upset that Ginny's marrying a bohunk." "What's the matter?" " I meant Jake." " Jake?" "Wait, she said his name was Rudy." " Forget it." " Forget what?" "Who's Jake?" "He's a boy, Daddy." "It's nothing." "Just forget it, please." "Sam, we're not communicating." "It's extremely embarrassing, OK?" "What's embarrassing?" "Sitting with your dad, telling him about your love life." "I'm afraid you lost me again, Sam." "Jake is a Senior." "He's beautiful and perfect." "I like him a real lot and he doesn't like me, OK?" "He's got this incredible girlfriend." "I'm just this dork that's following him around like a puppy." "Why do you think you're a dork?" "I don't think you're a dork, neither does Mum." " Mike thinks I'm a dork." " Mike is a dork." "So am I." "Well, if it's any consolation, I love you." "If this guy can't see in you the beautiful things that I see then he's got the problem." " I know, it just hurts." " That's why they call them crushes." "If they were easy they'd call them something else." "If I were Ginny, I'd have this guy crawling on his knees." "Let me tell you something about Ginny." "I love her as much as I love you but she's a different person." "Sometimes I worry about her." "When you're given things easily you don't always appreciate them." "With you I'm not worried." "When it happens to you, Samantha, it will be forever." "Well, I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I don't feel this talk has helped you." " So would you be a sport and lie to me?" " Yeah sure, Daddy." " Good night, sweetheart." " Good night." " One more thing, sweetheart." " What?" "When you do find the right guy, don't let him boss you around." "Make sure he knows you wear the pants in the family." " These are really hers?" " Yeah." " How did you get them?" " She gave them to me." "Did you..." "No, Jake." "She's cranked for you." "I told her you asked about her, right." "The girl freaked." "She had a hissy." " She thinks you're the cat's meow." " Really?" "She came up to me in the gym tonight." "She looked at me like I was a leper." "Girls will do that, Jake." "They know that guys are in perpetual heat." "They enjoy pumping us up." "It's pure power politics." "I thought she hated my guts." "Games, Jake." "Silly torturous games." "Sometimes I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money." "Any halfway decent girl can rob me blind." "Because I'm too torqued up to say no." "It's heinous, I'm telling you." "You better not be dicking me around." "It'd be a downer to get together and find out she thinks I'm a slime." "Jake, would I dick you?" "Let me put it to you this way - what happens to me if I dick you?" " I'd kick your ass." " Right." "So why would I lie?" "But if all you want off the girl is a piece of ass" "I'll either do it myself or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass." "Not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me." "I can get ass anytime I want." "Caroline's in the bedroom right now passed out cold." "I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to." " What are you waiting for?" " I don't know." "She's beautiful and she's built and all that." "I'm just not interested anymore." " Does that really matter, guy?" " Yeah, it matters." "She's totally insensitive." "Look what she did to my house." "She doesn't know shit about love." "The only thing she cares about is partying." "I want a serious girlfriend." "Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back." "Is that psycho?" "That's beautiful, Jake." "A ton of guys feel the same way you do." " Really?" " Yeah." "They just don't have the balls to admit it." "They're wimps." "Samantha is really special." "I'll make a deal with you." "You let me keep these, I'll let you take Caroline home." "Make sure she gets home." " Don't leave her in a parking lot." "OK?" " Jake, I'm only a freshman." "She's so blitzed she won't know the difference." " Jake, I don't have a car." " You can take mine." " Jake, I don't have a license." " I trust you." "Jake, I'd love to, I can't." "Want a pretzel?" " You sure?" " Positive." " I got her." " Yeah." " This is your car?" " No, this is my dad's car." "You said you couldn't drive a stick." "This is a mother..." "This is a Rolls Royce, Jake." " So?" " So!" "I heard the grille alone cost five grand on this." " Five grand." "I don't have five grand." " Then don't hit anything." " Don't hit anything." " Do you want to do this or not?" "No." "Who the hell?" "Who does he?" " Who's he?" " That's me." " Who are you?" " I'm him." "Oh." "OK." " She's totally gone." "Have fun." " Thanks." " Jake, is your dad a big man?" " About six four." "Very nice!" "Whoa!" "Easy." "Easy." "~ Hey sucker!" "~" "~ What the hell's got into you?" "~" "Oh, sexy girlfriend!" "Banzai." " Think they liked us?" " Definitely." "Can we turn that music down?" "I need to concentrate." "Excuse me." "Stop that." "It looks like rain." "Better put the top up." "Will you stop that." "You could get us into trouble." "This is a car." "It probably doesn't have Triple A on it." "Buckle up, pooh bear." "I can't believe you're so popular and you're acting like this." "Hello?" "Oh, I don't know, I'll have to look." "Mr Ryan are you in here?" "Where are you?" " Mr Ryan's not in right now." " My Christmas present to you!" " Thank you." " No, you didn't see it." "See." "Thank you." "Now we're both on the pill." "You gave me a birth control pill." "You know what that will do to a guy my age?" "I know exactly what it will do to a girl my age." "My first time in a car and you pull this shit." "It makes it OK to be really super careless." "We're not going any further until you stop these childish antics." "Don't be such a poop." " On second thought..." " I love you." "This is getting good." "Whoa!" " Ted, what the hell are you doing?" " Are those jocks back?" " Cliff, do you have film in your camera?" " What?" "Take those ridiculous things off." " Do you have any film in your camera?" " Sure." "Go get it and bring it outside." "Right out front." " What for?" " Just get it and come on out front, OK?" " UFO?" " It's better." " Extraterrestrial?" " It's better." " Just get it and come outside." " Female extraterrestrial?" "It's better." "Better than a female extraterrestrial?" " How do you tell if it's a female?" " It's got tits." " What makes them different?" " They've got four." "Get the camera." "It's in the closet." "Don't go in the closet." "They're such assholes." "Well, you should check that out." " Why do you have to argue?" " I'm not." " Yes you are." " I am not." "It's always bitch, bitch..." "Bitch is a female dog, and I'm not even." "What's that supposed to mean?" " Shit." " Shoot." " Ted, that's a Rolls Royce." " Ted, that's the prom queen." "You got two girls in one night." " I told you I was hot." " Hot?" "You're a legend." "Will you shut up." "People around here work, all right?" "Hurry up, I'm breaking 30 major laws here." "Ted, nobody's gonna believe you." "That, my friends, is what the pictures are for." "OK?" "Just get that, there." " Are you guys ready?" " Wait, hold on a second." " Do you know what you're doing?" " Just a minute." " How does this look?" " Very nice." "Wait a minute." "Black and white would capture the moment so nicely." "Would you take the picture." "You're pissing me off." " Smile, pumpkin." " What?" "Oh, pictures." "Cheers." "Marlene!" "Mike, go get dressed." "I can't believe it." "Ginny's not in the shower." "I wouldn't go in there." "Grandpa Fred was in there for half an hour." "It's polluted." " Get dressed." " It's your nose." "They never listen." "What was he wearing?" "Well, he was wearing a red argyle sweater and tan trousers and red shoes." "No, he's not retarded." "Now, what can I do to help?" " You could finish the French toast." " Good." " I'll just open the doughnuts." " Good thinking." "Oops, don't want to lose the nails." "Well, I'll just wait until I hear from you." "Voilà!" "~ Breakfast is ready." "Oh, Sam." "I am so sorry about your birthday." "It's OK, I'll recover." "It's important to you." "And yesterday morning you were trying to tell me." "It's OK, Mum." "These things sometimes happen." "Oh, honey, I just feel miserable." " You'll feel better." " Who died?" "Is there something you want to say to your sister?" "What?" "Are you kidding?" "Where should I start?" "I mean about her birthday." "It was yesterday." "We all forgot." "Classic." "Deep down he's really sorry." "No, he's not." "I have to go to this wedding and look like Miss Princess in this dipshit's bridesmaid's dress." "I don't have one tenth of the bod to fill the stupid bust up." "Should I waste myself and spare the agony?" "I was gonna tell you something, but maybe I shouldn't." "It's bad." "You may as well, nothing could shock me any more." "My brother paid a buck to see your underwear." "I hate that rock and roll rubbish." "I'm afraid it's here to stay, Howie." "Sam, you're dragging your dress honey." "Pick it up." " Come on, Ginny." "Hurry up, sweetie." " Why are you so slow?" "Do not fuss at your sister, it's her wedding day." "All right, is everybody in?" "Are you all right, Ginny?" "~ Gee my life's a funny thing ~" "~ Am I still too young?" "~" "~ All right ~" "~ She wants the young American ~" "~ Young American young American ~" "~ She wants the young American ~" "~ All right ~" "~ She wants the young American ~" "~ Scanning life through the picture windows ~" "~ She finds the slinky vagabond ~" "~ He coughs as he passes her Ford Mustang ~" "~ But Heaven forbid, she'll take anything ~" "~ But the freak and his type all for nothing ~" "~ He misses a step and cuts his hand ~" "~ But showing nothing he swoops like a song... ~" " Howard, there's your Chinaman." " Thanks, Fred." "Bye, Dong." "What's he doing on the ground there?" "What's happened?" " Put a mirror in front of his mouth." " Howard, he's dead!" "Shit!" "I paid seven grand for a wedding and I'll never see it." "Watch your language, Mr Dirty Mouth." " Oh, thank God, he is still warm." " Oh, good." "Here, I'll help you, Howard." "Canine cologne." "Oh, no more yanky my wanky." "The Donger need food." "Hell, he's three sheets to the wind." "He's drunk as a skunk." "Oh, why don't you shut up, Fred." "Dong." " Dong." " Dong, Grandpa is talking to you." "Dong, where is my automobile?" "Automobile?" "Lake." "Big lake." "Why you little scuzzbag." "Oh, my!" "Is everything all right?" "I was afraid you'd had an accident." "I wish." "Her monthly bill came early." "Well, she's fine." "She just took a muscle relaxer." "Try four." " You didn't?" " Mother." " Damn, Mum!" "I've got my headgear on." " Will you wake up." "Where the hell am I?" "I'll tell you where you are if you tell me who you are." "I'm Farmer Ted." "You're in the parking lot across the street from my church." "You own a church?" " What happened?" " I have no idea." "Did I do that to your hair?" "At this point anything's possible." " Did we..." " Yeah, I'm pretty sure." "Excuse me, but do you know if I enjoyed it?" "Am I nuts, of course I enjoyed it." "What I meant was, did you?" "I have this weird feeling I did." "Here, Ginny, drink this." "Come on." "Here." " Wow, do I feel funky!" " Uh-huh." "OK, I'm coming." "Hello?" "Oh, this place is so confusing." "OK." " Go away." "I call police." " Open the door." " No way, José!" " Open the door." " You beat up my face." " You grabbed my nuts." " That you?" " Yeah, that me." "Oh, so sorry." "I thought you my new style American girlfriend." " Forget it, man." "Just get Samantha." " She not here." " Where is she?" " She got married." " What?" " She at the Church." "She getting married to oily bohunk." " Married?" " Married." " Married?" " Yeah, married." " Married?" " Married." "Jeez." "Are you gonna be all right, sweetie?" "It's gonna be a piece of cake, Bren." "Ginny, I'm really happy for you." "I'm sorry for being kind of a jerk, lately." "That's really lovely, Sam." "I know you'll have a great marriage." "Ginny!" " Holy shit." " She just had a cramp." "I don't care." "Look at her." "Be quiet!" "We don't want to announce that she's got her period." "I guess those guys who thought we had to get married feel really stupid now." "~ Here comes the bride... ~" "Love the teapot." "Could you move over." " Are you OK?" " I gotta rest." " What's the matter?" " Here comes the bride." "I got it." "Hi." "I know you." "I can't see with this thing on." "I never went out with a freshman." "Not even when I was a freshman." " Me either." " You were pretty crazy." " I was?" " Yeah." "You know what I liked best?" " My clean close shave?" " No." "Waking up in your arms." "These things?" "Shit." "Jake." "Jake." "Holy shit." " Stay here, OK?" " Oh, my God." "I'm dead." " Hello?" " You never called us." " What happened?" " I told you not to call me here." "We're dying!" "What happened?" "You want to know what happened?" "Buy the book." "I'm sorry about getting you mixed up with that guy." "It's OK." "It wasn't too terrible." "Weird?" "I'm really sorry about last night." "The party." "Lots of things." "You know, neither one of us is gonna die if it doesn't happen for us." " That's true." " I just don't know right now." "But I'm covered, OK." "I won't get hurt." "Sure." "I'll leave it up to you." "Fine." "Oh!" "Her veil." "Honey." "Come on." " See you later." " Bye." "So long, kids." "Oh, hi." "My sister forgot her veil." "I know she wouldn't want anything to happen to it." " She's a little out of it." " Just a little bit." "Yeah, well excuse me." "I want to make sure I see my sister leave." " Goodbye." " Bye." "I need a drink." "Yeah, you." " Hi." " Hi." "Hi." " What are you doing here?" " I heard you were here." "You came here for me?" " Is that OK?" " Yeah, it's OK." " Do you have to go to the reception?" " I'm supposed to." " Can I call you later?" " Sure." "I mean, no." " No, I can't call you later?" " Yeah." "No, I mean, I'm not going to the reception." "Oh, great." " Thanks for getting my undies back." " Thanks for coming over." "Thanks for coming to get me." "Happy Birthday, Samantha." "Make a wish." "It already came true." "~ If you were here ~" "~ I could deceive you ~" "~ And if you were here ~" "~ You would believe ~" "~ But would you suspect ~" "~ My emotion wandering Yeah ~" "~ Do not want a part of this anymore ~" "~ Sixteen candles ~" "~ Make a love-lovely light ~" "~ But not as bright ~" "~ As your eyes tonight ~" "~ Blow out the candles ~" "~ Make your wish come true ~" "~ For I'll be wishing ~" "~ That you love me too ~" "~ You're only sixteen ~" "~ But you're my teenage queen ~" "~ You're the prettiest ~" "~ The loveliest girl ~" "~ I've ever seen ~" "~ Sixteen candles ~" "~ In my heart will glow ~" "~ For ever and ever and ever Whoa-oh!" "~" "~ For I love you so ~" "~ Hey!" "~" "~ Sixteen candles ~" "~ Yeah In my heart ~" "~ In my heart will glow-oh-oh!" "~" "~ For ever and ever and ever ~" "~ For I love you so ~" "~ For I love you ~" "~ So-oh-oh!" "~"