"Male narrator:" "in the darkest days" "Of the cruel Makonian empire," "With the people's rebellion all but crushed," "Ragged bands of freedom fighters refused to yield." "[dramatic music]" "Bereft of leadership, the resistance floundered" "Until, from the depths of despair," "There rose a glimmer of hope," "The son of a blacksmith and a stay-at-home mom." "His name was Krod Mandoon." "Were Krod and his comrades the answer" "To his oppressed people's prayers?" "oak." "Narrator: the odds were long against them." "hold, lad." "see you have neither the courtesy nor the good sense" "To disarm in a tavern full of myrmidon guards." "forgive me." "These are dangerous times for a loyal subject of the crown." "Hail, emperor Zanus!" "wench, stand this good man a flagon of mead." "I have just come from Harkouf." "Resistance fighters there" "Have been liberating the slave pens." "Have you heard these reports?" "aye, they say it was the work of Krod Mandoon." "because I heard that-- I'm sorry?" "he's a scourge." "wow, a scourge." "I like that." "mark me." "There's a cell in Dongalor's dungeon" "Set aside for the worm-faced Mandoon." "[whispers] worm-faced?" "[mouthing words] focus." "[clears throat]" "Would that be the same dungeon" "That holds that traitor general Arcadius?" "indeed." "But enough talk of rebel dogs." "see from these runes you're from the new world." "I am." "My father carved this sheath when I sailed from my homeland." ""hroath g'blon brack rothan."" "What does that mean?" "it's gibberish;" "my father was illiterate." "But this side bears my name." "Don't move." "You're surrounded." "surrounded?" "By a girl, a grobble, and a leprechaun?" "leprechaun?" "They're calling me a leprechaun." "now, put your keys on the bar," "Or his next arrow finds your skull." "Give my regards to chancellor Dongalor." "Let me just ask you a quick question," "Warrior to warrior." "The worm-face thing." "What's that about?" "no." "Krod." "Krod!" "now, I know it's probably just a taunt," "But, you know, a label like that finds its way into a ballad," "And, boom, you're the worm-face guy." "and we've lost him." "is there a term you prefer?" "well, first of all, thank you." "Um, let me think here." ""kind"?" "no, no, scratch that." "We're not writing a personal ad." "Ow!" "by the gods!" "the captain's been shot!" "if you're talking about this arrow," "It was already there." "who are you, dog?" "uh!" "My name is Krod Mandoon." "and I am Loquasto, his slave." "andI amZezelryck, his sorcerer." "and I am Aneka." "his girlfriend." "You know, if you're going to tumble," "You really shouldn't wear that;" "they saw everything." "everything." "attack!" "[screams] ow!" "Aneka!" "what the hell was that?" "I don't know;" "it just does that sometimes." "You think I should get it looked at?" "hell, yeah!" "What do you mean, do I think?" "yes!" "fire!" "Ow!" "No more crossbow for you-- ever!" "sorry, master." "want these, do you, love?" "What are you willing to do for 'em, eh?" "whatever it takes." "Zez, tame the fire with your wizardry!" "I'm on it!" "I'm on it!" "Flames abate, says the man Zezelryck." "Um, flames, flames, go away." "Come again another day." "This tavern must be protected" "By some sort of magic blocking aura." "then douse the fire somehow!" "okay, okay." "[screams]" "Zez, that was lamp oil." "you don't think they should label that?" "abort, abort!" "everybody out!" "Mission over!" "mission over!" "Go, go!" "Aneka!" "Aneka!" "okay, that time, i didn't even see underwear." "sire?" "what else, Barnabus?" "a query from the emperor, sire." "He wants to know how you intend to deal" "With the rising rebellion here in Hessemeel." "rebellion?" "General Arcadius is behind bars." "There is no rebellion without him." "well, specifically, sire," "He inquired about the upstart Krod Mandoon." "Mandoon?" "Oh, please!" "knew him at the military academy." "He envied me." "As you can imagine, I was pretty popular." "[laughs] halt!" "Who doubts me?" "Barnabus." "You were my footman back in my academy days." "Tell them, and speak freely." "well, now, sir, forgive my poor memory," "But I don't recall your being popular." "maybe not campus wide, but I had my crew:" "Santu moosnockle, hans veck, jonsie the younger, those guys." "In any event, tell them about the time I thrashed Krod" "In front of all the cadets." "Surely you remember that." "And, again, be honest." "being honest, yes." "do recall Mandoon raining blows down upon you," "Relenting only when you sobbed, albeit it very bravely," "For mercy." "yes, and as he turned away in disgust," "Who threw the rock at the back of his head?" "one of your slaves, sir." "and victory was mine." "it was yours." "it was." "yes." "Now, enough talk of Mandoon." "You may assure the emperor" "The only thing he has to fear is me." "if I can have your attention, my name's Krod Mandoon." "I'll be your liberator this evening." "[people cheering]" "Shh!" "Now, obviously, I would want to shake everyone's hand," "But I have a bit of a chest cold, you know?" "[exclaiming] oh, god." "Okay, okay." "good, good." "On your way." "Loquasto, I'm going to need you to burn everything I'm wearing." "I'm right on it." "When I'm done wearing them." "oh, right, right." "Ah, better, smarter." "yeah, you know, it's not easy" "Making the transition into civilian life." "Trust me;" "I know." "So if you ever need a shoulder to cry on" "I was born in this dungeon." "never seen the sun." "hey, it's hot, and it's yellow." "Now scram!" "What are you doing?" "I'm talking." "Now, where were we?" "Hessemeel!" "Not much of a province, is it?" "Bit of a laughingstock, if we're being honest." "We haven't the commerce of Farujah," "The agriculture of Colostrum," "The vibrant art scene of Harkouf." "And now that the Mulkavian whore caravans" "No longer make winter camp within our borders," "Even our legendary sex tourism has vanished." "What we have, nobles, is nothing." "But that is about to change," "All thanks to the eye of galga gremda..." "[Vanameer's stomach rumbles]" "The deadliest weapon of the ancient world," "Lost for millennia but recently unearthed" "By the finest child labor ever to feel the lash." "sire." "The eye was buried for good reason." "It very nearly destroyed the world." "Its deadly beam turned fertile valleys" "Into barren wastelands." "you know your history, Vanameer." "Are you prepared for your future?" "but, sire, with such a weapon in your possession," "Do you not fear reprisals from the emperor?" "with such a weapon in my possession, Vanameer, fear nothing!" "Apart from turtles." "Ugh, horrible little creatures." "They give me the willies." "enough nonsense!" "Turn the eye over to the emperor," "Or I'll inform him myself of your treasonous boast." "will you, lord Comstock?" "sir." "[whispers] sir." "yeah?" "this is lord Comstock." "That was lord Conover." "is it?" "Oh, yeah." "Yes, I thought we were going to get names carved" "In the back of chairs." "Did that not happen?" "Well, let's make that an action item, shall we?" "yes." "Guards, seize him!" "but, sir" "Right." "now, where were we?" "Uh--no, completely lost focus." "Okay, let's take five." "Barnabus, send out for juice and muffins." "Cranberry all right?" "oh." "nope, sorry." "Enjoy your freedom." "wait!" "You can't let this man go free." "He's not a political prisoner." "He's a horse raper." "He lays with horses." "is this true?" "[scoffs]" "No." "lie." "He said he fancied me as well." "He asked me to whinny." "listen-- horst." "last name?" "draper." "horst draper." "mm-hmm." "yeah, I think I can see where the name might be causing some" "Look, go free." "And if you absolutely have to lay with a horse," "Make it one of theirs." "okay, I'll do that." "okay." "thanks." "all right." "that's the last of them, Krod." "what?" "but the general." "Curse the bastards!" "we're too late." "Krod." "general Arcadius." "I've come to free you from this hellhole, sir." "as I knew one day you would." "Rise." "You must be the lovely Aneka." "it's an honor, sir." "may I say, sir, you look well." "Dungeon life obviously agrees with you." "I credit love for my vitality." "of course." "Mrs. Arcadius eagerly awaits your return" "At the safe house on lake Kamada." "actually, Krod, I was referring to my love for Bruce." "right." "Refresh my memory, sir." "Bruce is one of your lieutenants." "no, Krod." "Bruce is my everything." "I think we got a situation." "the general told me all about you..." "Except how yummy you are." "oh." "you work out?" "well, some upper body, some light cardio" "Yeah, excuse me." "May I have a quick word?" "Sir, am I in command of all the facts?" "You and..." "Bruce?" "Sir, I had no idea you-- do you know how long I've been locked away" "In this dank and fetid dungeon?" "well, yeah." "Two weeks." "And it's co-ed, so... will this affect your ability to accept my command?" "sir, I'd follow you into the yawning gates of hell." "good lad." "Then lock up these men, and we'll away." "no, wait!" "Quasto, don't!" "Wh--um, Quasto?" "[whistling] well, I think that went very well." "think everyone was rather surprised." "yes, lord Conover especially." "oh, yes." "He was a good man." "Yes, send a suckling pig to his widow and some flowers," "Maybe a nice bottle of Asti." "And how long would you say before she's fair game?" "well, your attention could only bring her comfort" "In her hour of grief." "so one hour of grief, then." "lovely." "Now, what say we take the eye down to the marshes" "And lay waste to some awful little village," "Like--what's that one you're from again?" "now, come on." "have a little think, sire." "If we were to detonate the eye from the marshes," "We'd only lay waste to ourselves." "It must be fired from an elevated vantage point." "even better." "We'll have it hauled up to mount Kamada," "Ice down a pony keg of grog, round up some wenches," "And make a weekend of it." "that's a delightful plan, sire." "Now, unfortunately," "We've not yet unlocked the key to the eye's operation." "Now, wait a minute." "We believe the ancient hieroglyphs hold the key," "And our finest scholars are decoding them as we speak." "have you threatened them with death?" "oh, I have, sir, yes." "and killed one to rouse the others?" "of course." "and given goody bags to the survivors" "Just to let them know they're welcome here?" "it isn't my first day." "oh, I know." "i know." "I'm just excited." "yes, so am i." "[horn fanfare]" "The dungeons have been breached, sire." "Mandoon!" "no, no, it's too heavy." "Zez. hey, Zez, can you throw a little magic to the problem?" "uh, yeah, yeah, definitely." "Um, I need y'all to-- if I'm going to do it, need y'all to get back if I'm going to do this." "In the name of the unseen watching eyes, command you, gate, to obey and rise." "Rise!" "don't go back down." "Did you see what it just did?" "It went up." "then it went right back down." "Why would it do that?" "that's-- okay, great." "thanks." "We're going to need another plan to get out of here." "Them, they'll know." "Krod, not now." "All I need is five minutes alone with him." "Hey, no." "no way, no." "forbid you." "you forbid me." "Since when do you control my actions?" "since you became my girlfriend." "well, your girlfriend is a pagan." "don't have your sexual hang-ups." "You said you were okay with that." "yeah, because I thought it meant" "The occasional threesome and some light bondage." "didn't know you'd be bone-jacking the enemy." "sex is just another weapon in my arsenal." "oh, please." "do you even know how we got the keys to this dungeon?" "got them...my way," "The same way I got the night watchman in Harkouf" "To let us pass" "And the sheriff in Kalkag to hide us from the-- what, you mean you used your-- and why do you think the cobbler in Douvan told us" "What time it was?" "you gave it up for the time of day?" "We were standing underneath a clock!" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "No, you know, who else?" "want names, Aneka." "I don't have their names." "faces?" "I didn't always get a good look." "[snortles] hey!" "Now, you tell us another way out of here," "Or, by the gods, I will thrust my blade deep inside of you." "yum." "cool it, Bruce." "there, by the wall." "The rebels, they dug a tunnel through the sewer." "We patched it with mortar." "Quasto." "Now dig." "stop digging!" "stop digging!" "It's a rat!" "rat, rat!" "Ooh, it's a rat!" "Um, I open up the floor to other options right now." "this is our only option." "apparently not." "We could always have Aneka drain the enemy" "Of their bodily fluids and then walk out." "you're pathetic." "that was awkward." "Um, I'm going through the hole." "y'all need to work that out." "come on." "Quasto, don't let no rats get on me." "oh, baby, get my bag." "which one?" "the one with the toys in it." "nice." "Krod, come on." "we have to go." "the salami wagon just rolled up." "Don't you want to drop to your knees" "And roll out the pagan welcome mat?" "go to hell." "Aneka, wait." "wench trouble, Mandoon?" "Dongalor." "General!" "Hang in there, sir." "You're going to be okay." "he's as good as dead, Mandoon." "And so is your pathetic resistance." "ha!" "it'll take more than one arrow" "To kill the greatest general that ever lived." "That'll probably do it, though." "General, I failed you." "no, Krod." "You've only proven what i've known all along." "You are... ay, papi, what happened?" "Hold me, Arcadius, please." "Just hold me." "Bruce, you insatiable meerkat." "okay, guys, can I just get one minute?" "Um, sir, you were saying I am..." "Engamora." "let's go." ""Engamora."" "Interesting, no?" "yeah." "What is that, gay for "good-bye" or..." "Who here knew about Arcadius?" "Well, why does no one tell me the prison gossip?" "feel very left out." "all right, chaps." "How we getting on?" "Let me know if you need anything" "Coffee, snacks, whores." "sir, do you recall Arcadius' last word?" "yes." "No. was it "meerkat"?" "no, "eng--"" "Engamora." "yeah, I know." "knew I knew it." "i couldn't-- well, Engamora happens to be a prophesy." "It chronicles the overthrow of the empire" "At the hands of-- wait for it" "A lowborn swordsman." "Now, that must mean Arcadius believed-- that swordsman was Krod Mandoon." "yes, sir." "is that even possible?" "Narrator: it was more than possible." "It was Krod's immutable fate... right." "i see." "hmm." "was that you?" "no." "I thought it was you." "uh-uh." "Narrator: a fate" "He could not have fathomed that morning" "As he trod the banks of lake Hessemeel," "His heart heavy with grief over the loss of his mentor"