" We are nothing alike." "Arrogant, self-centered, controlling." "Face it:" "We're not good people." " Hey." "I don't want to break up hester's cutest couple." " We could have a threesome." " This might as well be" "A big, bi-curious bat signal in the sky." " If karma expects me to leave," "Then I have to get her to want me to stay." " Whoa." " I know." " I can't do this." " So I'm trying this new thing" "Where I only wash my hair twice a week." "What do you think...too flat, or is it kind of chic?" "I hear that shampoo strips the essential oils." "We're not gonna talk about the threesome?" "The one you ran out of" "Like you were robbing a convenience store?" "You know how people in movies wind up in strange towns" "And forget their names and how they got there?" "That's me." "Total amnesia about the whole thing." "Tell me what happened." "Why did you leave?" "Was it our kiss?" " No!" "No." "I just realized that things got totally out of control." "I made you dress up like dita von teese" "And kiss a boy you don't even like." "You don't like him, right?" " Karma, you can't be serious." "See, this lie has turned me into your pimp," "Which is why we have to break up." " What?" "Now?" "It was a stupid idea that got way out of hand." "I mean, you agree, enough is enough, right?" " But you said we were waiting" "Until our status at school was cemented." "Well, if the price of that is whoring out my best friend," "Then I don't want it." "But it's crucial that we handle this right." "Our lesbian lie worked so well," "The school thinks we're the cutest couple" "Since zooey deschanel got that new puppy." "I'm guessing you have a plan." "Neither of us want to look like the bad guy, right?" "We're celebs at school," "So we'll act like celebrity couples" "Who have gracefully split in the public eye." "Finally, my subscription to us weekly is paying off." "Step one:" "Skip each other's premieres." "To hint at a growing distance between us." " Step two:" "Dive into work." "Step three:" "Issue a joint press release" "Saying, "we've decided to go our separate ways," "But we'll always be best friends"?" "Just like we were right before all this craziness happened." "Here's the list of handy responses" "In case people ask where I am." " Why would people ask me that?" "Because we're spending today apart." " But..." "She felt something when you kissed," "And now she's pushing you away." " You think?" "I mean, it was really hot." "I'm surprised that cheap motel didn't burst into flames." "Oh, I love lesbian porn." "It's so elegant." "Continue." "What happened next?" " Once we came up for air," "We looked into each other's eyes, and we saw each other." "I mean, we really saw each other." "Maybe for the first time." "So after that hot kiss and all the seeing," "Then what?" "And then liam kissed me, and karma ran out," "And now she doesn't want to talk about it." "Screech of tires." "You kissed liam?" " Shh!" " How was it?" "It was like..." "You know when you're outside" "On a sunny spring day, and you see a butterfly," "And you go "ah," and then the world stops for a second," "And then it's gone?" "It was like that." " Wow." " Wow?" "No, not wow." " Not wow?" "No." "Wow was kissing karma." "If liam was spotting a butterfly," "Karma was spotting a soaring eagle," "And, oh, my god, I was with her," "And it was magical, and I wish it could last forever." "Honey, I don't want to shoot you out of the sky," "But your eagle soared away right after you kissed liam." " Yeah, so?" " So she sounds jealous." " Karma is in denial," "Like I was after our homecoming kiss." "I just need to keep us from breaking up" "Until she has time to accept her feelings for me." " I hope you're right." "I hate keeping secrets from liam." "And I really want you to be" "With the love of your life and stuff." "You're not gonna break your gay scout's honor, are you?" "They would strip me of my badge in leatherwork." "Both:" "Hi, irma." "Amy, I see you're solo today." "Where's your other half?" "I saved you two the last slice of cherry pie." "She's taking time to focus on her studies." "Good for her." "Smart girl." "Did y'all hear?" "Karma and amy are breaking up." " d dream girls d dream girls, dream girls d" " Aw, poor amy." " d dream girls" " What, is my fly open?" " Hang in there." "Give me an interview for the school's tumblr." "This story is huge," "And my readers are hungry for facts." "How did you hear we're breaking up?" " The whole school knows." " The whole school?" "Please respect our privacy at this difficult time." "Liam." "d well, they're an army of thieves d" " I'm guessing you heard." " About your breakup?" " What happened to the old days" "When news was delivered by horseback" "Or phones with cords?" "Is this because I kissed amy at the threesome?" "It's pretty uncool to invite a guy into something like that" "And then get upset when he participates." "That's not what this is about." "Look, I don't know what your plan is," "But you shouldn't have dragged me into it." " No, liam, look." "When I saw you two..." "You know..." "I realized this is insane." "Everything got totally out of control," "And I forced you to make out with a girl you don't even like." " Are you serious?" "I'm so over all this drama." "I told you up front," "I didn't want to break up hester's cutest couple!" " You didn't." " Then what did?" "d what about, what about us?" "d" "We're breaking up because I don't wanna have kids?" "What?" "It's true." "We need a reason." "And since neither of us can be the bad guy," "We pull a brad and jen." "We say that I wanna have kids and you don't." " You're demented." "We're teenagers..." "we don't care about having kids" "Until we accidentally get pregnant." "And why are we here?" "It stinks." "The kids thing speaks to our future as a couple." "We obviously want different things," "So we're moving on, but we'll always be best friends." "Brad and jen don't seem like best friends." " We don't know." "Maybe they order pizza and watch the bachelor" "While angelina's at refugee camps." " Do you hear yourself?" "This is too much." "I say we just slow the whole thing down..." " It's too late." "All we can do now is control the message." "Okay, so maybe not the kids thing." "I wanna go to a big state university," "And you wanna go to some artsy-fartsy college." "We need to be ahead of the gossip." "Vashti nadira requested a sit-down today," "And I said yes." "But...no, we are not discussing our relationship" "With the school's tumblr." "Don't I get a say in this?" " I'm the planner." " And what does that make me?" " The executor." "Sounds badass." "I'll see you after school." "Lisbeth, you look like a horse eating a carrot." "Never bite string cheese." "Like this." "I have never missed my friends from dallas" "More than in this moment." " There she is." " Hey, karma." " Why'd you guys break up?" " Tell us." "It's so sad they're breaking up." "They got me through my dog dying." "Ugh, there must be something else this school can fixate on!" "Electronic smog, gmos." "I'm sure there's a polar bear stranded" "On an iceberg somewhere." " What you guys talking about?" "How all this pathetic school can talk about" "Is karma and amy's breakup." "I bet it was poor communication." "I bet they fought about money." "I bet it was their threesome." "Booker!" "how was it?" "That bro's so lucky." "He's hooked up with all the hot girls at school," "Plus gets a lesbian threesome." " Not all the hot girls." "Just most of them." "Here's the deal." "I don't pull punches." "I won't twist your words around," "But I can smell bull a mile away." "My readers expect the truth." "So why is everyone's favorite couple" "Calling it quits?" "First of all, this split is completely amicable." "We just have" "Very different visions for our future." " How so?" "I see myself at a state university," "And amy sees herself at a small liberal arts school," "Someplace intimate." "Actually, vashti, just changed my mind." "I do want someplace bigger." "The more people, the better." "no, you don't." "You hate people." " Who hates people?" "I don't, that's who." "Last week, you said that you would rather be devoured" "By termites than go to a state school." "Sometimes we push things away that we really want." "Then there's hope for you two." "You're clearly not on the same page." "I can't help wondering if you're covering up" "The real reason for the split." "What?" "What do you mean?" "I understand there was a threesome with liam booker?" "I assume you've heard about the breakup." "Haven't seen so much speculation" "Since someone took a dump in ethan wick's locker." " Not interested." "Let's go get stoned and play video games" "Where we blow up." "I like the words coming out of your mouth." "there he is!" "How many hearts are you gonna break," "Liam booker?" "All:" "Yeah!" "Women are more than just sex objects." "All:" "Yeah!" "Yeah, and why didn't you ever call me?" " Stay strong, brandi." " First, it's these hotties." "And now hester's less attractive lesbians?" "When will the tyranny end?" "this." " Thanks, girls." "Y'all go drink that coconut water I brought." "Keep that good skin hydrated." "Let's go." " You've got this all twisted." "Liam didn't do anything wrong." "I couldn't care less about liam booker," "But these hotties sure do." "And now I'm their ringleader." "Things around here are about to change." " d staring you in the eye d" " They're right." "I knew karma had a girlfriend, but I kept seeing her." "Why are you beating yourself up like this?" "It's not your fault they broke up." "Trust me." " I'm a booker, remember?" "We're genetically designed to ruin people's lives." " Not this again." "Look, you're not the ass here," "And you don't deserve to be treated like one." "I'm gonna be your olivia pope." "I'll create another scandal to distract people from you" "While wearing killer outfits." " No, no, come on." "Let it go, okay?" " It'll be easy." "I've already got the right target." "All I need is the right dirt." "Promise me you're not gonna get involved." "Gay scout's honor." "okay, okay, I promise." "sparrow face, girls." "Eyes wide." "Pucker those lips like a baby bird." " Why are we doing this?" " It slims the face." "Trust me, you'll love it." "Uh, lisbeth, why don't you go help leila?" "You're so good at framing." "There's a rumor that you and karma broke up." "If it got all the way to me, I'm guessing it's true." " Yeah, we did." "I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on." "I got two of those, you know, if one gets too damp." "I do seem to have a lot of lunches free all of a sudden." " I lunch." " How's today?" "Good, and I believe the grain of the day" "At the cafeteria is millet, so get excited." "bye." " Bye." " Anything you can think of?" "Elizabeth?" "I haven't been called my real name in so long," "I forgot what it feels like." "We really shouldn't be doing this." "Lauren seems to have found some new friends." "Why can't you?" " Here you go, shane." "Special request." " Thanks, irma." "You're the best." "Love your hair." "Really youthful." "Girls, do you like chocolate" "Or vanilla?" "Lauren never lets us have refined sugars." "Well, you're under my protection now." " Oh, I got something." "She chews her pens." "And she says she has her period, like, every other week." "She sneezed in my face once and didn't even apologize." "As unhygienic as that is, none of those are scandals." "I need something I can work with." "Something juicy." "Well, there are those pills." " Vashti, we need to talk." "People are getting the wrong idea" "About why amy and I broke up." " On the record?" "Our breakup wasn't liam booker's fault." " Really?" "My sources say otherwise." " What are you talking about?" "Love triangles are very unstable." "They always topple over on someone." "You're being very brave." "Anything you wanna share with my readers?" "It's been really hard dealing with amy's sex addiction." "I had to do what I had to do." " Sex addiction?" "Isn't that what broke up katy perry and russell brand?" "I'd like to know what calling me a sex addict" "Has to do with helping liam." "oh." "So now you care about liam." "Maybe we should talk about that picture of you two" "Being all grabby in the courtyard yesterday." "Looked pretty cozy to me." " What?" "No, that's not at all what it looked like." " Really?" "Because it looked like a repeat of that kiss" "From the threesome, which you sure seemed to enjoy." " You are jealous." "It looked like I had a right to be." "This was all about liam, and it always has been." "Well, you know how much I like him." "How can I not?" "He's all you ever talk about." "You're like a horny parrot:" ""liam booker, liam booker, liam booker!"" "Fine." "Maybe I overreacted." "No, you made yourself perfectly clear." "I know what role you want me to play," "And I am sick of playing it." "I think we should break up." "For real." "Amy, come on." "Let's not fight." "At first you think he's really evolved," "But at his core, liam's only out for liam." "When you say "core," I think "abs."" "And his are amazing." " I do a hundred crunches a day," "And that dude's still got mine beat." "Could we please change the subject?" "Who here wants to know where I got my top?" "Hate to break up the kaffeeklatsch, ladies," "But this news flash can't wait." "What, did amy and liam run off to elope?" "Actually, you're the target of this tidbit," "Pains me to say." "They're already calling this "lauren-gate."" "Oh, is that right, perez hilton?" "I've got nothing to hide." "Okay, then tell me about the pills." "The pills you take all the time" "That you don't want anyone to see." " Good day, hester high." "Before we start our announcements..." "Brought to you by skwerkel..." "We have a very special guest." "Now, I know we've all been thrown for a loop" "By the breakup of our beloved karma and amy," "But karma's here to say a few words." "Thanks, penelope." "And thank you, everybody," "For giving me a chance to clear up some misinformation" "You might have heard." "I was the one who invited liam into a threesome" "With me and amy." "Why?" "I don't know." "What can I say?" "I'm confused." "I don't know what I want." "All I know is that I don't wanna hurt a guy" "Who's truly great." "And..." "I don't wanna lose amy," "The person in this world who means the most to me." "I never meant to hurt her." "I never meant to hurt any of you." "So thanks for listening." "I'm so sorry." "It's okay." "Let's never fight again, okay?" " Never?" "Us?" "All:" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Guess we should give the crowd what they want." "All:" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" "Kiss!" " So..." "What do celebrities do when they've gotten back together?" "Vacation in cabo?" "Record a duet?" "Ooh, I know..." "matching tattoos." " Look." "I meant it when I said that this was all my fault." "I never should have dragged you into this disaster," "And I've been the worst friend possible," "Which is why I think we should still break up." "We'll tell everyone in a few weeks" "When this all dies down." "And I know that means we're gonna have" "To keep pretending a little longer," "But I promise I'm gonna spend the rest of my life" "Making it up to you." "Hey, can we talk?" " I'm busy." "I wanted to tell you in person how sorry I am." "I screwed up on so many levels." " Got it." "Saw the announcements." " I really wanna fix this." "Do you think we could be friends?" "I mean, not this minute, but eventually?" " I have enough friends." "Because I felt like we were genuinely connecting," "Telling each other things nobody else knows," "And I've really started to care about you." " The whole school sees me" "As a selfish, manipulative ass." "Not anymore." "I made sure of it." "Nobody thinks that you're the reason we broke up." " But that's the point!" "I wanted to be." " What?" " Look." "I know that coming between you and amy is wrong," "But I can't help it." "I've never felt this way before." " What are you saying?" " I think I'm falling for you." " Then let me catch you." " d ah ah ah ah d" "d" " Wait." "What about amy?" " She's my best friend." "I love her, but we're not a couple anymore." "But I just saw you on the announcements." "We're faking getting back together" "Until all of this blows over." "I promise." "Nobody else knows, just you." " d ah ah ah ah d ah ah ah d ah ah d I'm counting on the idea d d that you'll stay d" "If we wanna be together, nobody can see." " Amy is okay with this?" " 100%." "I'm so glad we're back to good." " Me too." "Let's crash that wedding." "I'll drive." "You're not supposed to be here." " That's what makes it hot." " Tommy dumped you." "I'm the one who dumped that piece of." " Yes, let it out." " Mom, bruce, you're lucky." "You've fallen in love with your best friend."