"Announcer:" "From New York City, "comedy central presents..."" "Nick swardson." "[Cheers and applause]" "Hi, how are you?" "Thank you." "Yes, I'm back." "Nicholas is back." "There he is, right there." " Look at that." " [Cheers and applause]" "Look at that child right there." "Look at that picture." "Isn't that great?" "My mom's like, i have one of you smiling." "Why don't you use the smiling" ""no." "I want seducing..." What am i doing there?" "What am i doing?" "I'm like six." "I'm like "you wanna go on the slide?" "Yeah." "Let's hit that swing set." "Maybe?"" "All right, good to be back." "Thanks for coming." " [Cheers and applause]" " I'm excited to be here." "I just got my teeth whitened." "[Catcalls]" "It's great having your teeth whitened and you wanna show it off all the time." "But sometimes it's not appropriate." "Like my friend the other day." "He's like, "dude, my dad's in the hospital."" " I'm like, "no way." - [Laughter and applause]" "It's not cool." "So, yeah, good to be back." "I flew in this week." "I was at the airport." "The airport is retarded." "I-- [Clears throat]" "You know i was going through security and they have a big sign when you're going through of things that you can't bring on the plane." "And one of the things on the sign is a bomb." "Which i thought was cool." "You know what i mean?" "Just in case people don't know." "Some people might not know." ""Don't bring your bomb, dude." ""Don't bring it." "Yeah, leave it at home." "Nobody wants to see your bomb." "Nobody wants to hear it."" "That's like on the sign." "And they have like a picture of a bomb, like someone's gonna walk up with a bomb like-  "what?" - [Laughter]" ""When did that start?" "I can't bring my bomb to Hawaii?"" "All pissed off." "But my favorite thing about the sign was the picture of the bomb that they used was like an old timey bomb picture..." "You know what i mean?" "It was like the bowling ball with a wick coming out of it." "I'm like "who still has that bomb?" ""Is that bomb still out there?" "Is that bomb a threat to our country, that bomb?" "Like, what old school terrorist is still dragging that around?" His friends are like," ""what are you doing?" Like, "shut up." "I'm gonna blow some shit up." "Like what, a Dollhouse?" "What are you doing?"" "Like if that's your bomb of choice, that's a horrible bomb to use." "You can't do it's not subtle." "You know, you can't walk up to somewhere like," ""I'm gonna blow this place up." "[Tssssssss!" "]"" "Just walking around." "Security's like, "whoa." "Whoa, what do you got there, buddy?" "[Tssssssss!" "]" "Ah, what are you talking about?" "What's that sound?"" ""[Tssssssss!" "] Ah, i made some fajitas." "They're fresh." "I have an oven in my car."" ""Fuck"...[Explosion] And just runs away." "Just blows up like a drinking fountain." "The guy's like, "oh, right."" " [Laughter]" " Way to go." "Yeah no, that was weird." "And they also had on the sign they had "no fireworks,"" "which i thought was funny." "That was like a special sign." ""No." "No fireworks." Like, who brings fire-- do you do that?" "Are there people out there who like," ""honey, we have a flight in an hour." "Oh, really?" ""I'm gonna grab some Roman candles." "Yeah, it's a long flight." "Let's spice it up a little bit."" "I just thought it'd be funny to be on a plane and just see some guy do that." "Like, "I'm gonna light one of these bad boys off."" "[Tssssssss!" "Deee, deee, deee, deee!" "]" "Just shooting fireballs around the cabin-- [deee!" "Deee!" "]-- Into like first class." "[Deee!" "]--Some guy's like-- "what the hell was that?"" ""I brought some Roman candles." "Yeah, i didn't see a sign." "Is this bad?"" " [Deee!" "] - [Laughter]]" "Anybody wanna hit the tire swing?" "[Laughter]" "A new fragrance, sandbox." "[Laughter and applause]" "I live by myself." "I don't have roommates anymore, which is nice, huh, nice to be out on your own." " [Cheers and applause]" " No more roommates!" "Yeah, it's cool." "I hated having roommates." "They would never do dishes." "My roommates were always terrible." "But they would use every last dish in the whole place to avoid doing the dishes." "You know that move?" "I'd come home, my roommate's eating cereal off a plate..." "With the spatula." "He's like, "what's up dude?"" "I'm like, "wash a bowl."" "Yeah, it's cool." "I live by the beach, which is great." "Like it..." "Ocean." "I was at the beach the other day." "And there was a guy with a metal detector combing the sand." "I don't know if you've ever seen that, just a guy, "what's up,"" "his little earphones." "Beep." "Beep." "And i was thinking in my head," "I'm like, "is there still treasure out there that nobody's found?"" "Like, what is he looking for?" "I didn't understand." "So, i asked him 'cause I'm an idiot." "I'm like, "hey, what are you looking for, treasure or what?"" "And the guy got mad." "He's like "no." "I'm looking for jewelry." "Moron."" "And like he goes back." "But i was thinking like oh, yeah of course, 'cause whenever i go to the beach, i always make sure i have a lot of ill-fitting jewelry on me." "Like, "oh, we're going to the beach?" "Let me get my medallion my earrings and my tiara."" "But they don't fit that well." "It's all right." "Let's just go." "But then i thought like, what if he did find treasure?" "I would look like a dick." "You know what i mean?" "I see the guy like an hour later with a huge chest he's like," ""yeah, i did find treasure, asshole."" " Yeah." "I did." "There you go." - [Cheers and applause]" "Wouldn't that be a cool way to get rich?" "Just finding treasure?" "It's not like the lottery." "You know what i mean?" "It's treasure." "I would be so cocky if i found treasure." "Oh my gosh." "I'd wear the crown all the time." "Carry around a little scepter, just bossing people around." ""Stop." "Okay, you can go." "Relax." "Relax." "You're good."" "Everyone's like, "what's his problem?"" "I'd carry like the goblet around with me all the time, just drink from a big goblet." "Go out to the bar with it," ""'sup, dude?" "Can i get a rum and coke?" ""Yeah." "Oh, you can put it in my goblet." ""Yeah, that's real gold." "I found treasure and whatever."" "And the guy's like, "oh." So cocky." "My landlord would come to my apartment be like," ""Nick." "Yeah, Nick." "The rent's due." "It's $800."" "I'm like, "$800, really?" "That's a lot." "Let's see." "Do you have change for a-- whoa, a Ruby?" "Wow." "That is big." "Yeah." "Don't call me anymore." "That'd be great." "You keep that Ruby."" "It's cool." "I don't do any drugs except for booze." "Love it." "I love pouring alcohol into my head." "[Cheers and applause]" "That got an applause break." "Yes!" "Booze inside of all of us "forever."" "I was at a barbecue recently and somebody busted out the wine coolers." "Oh, snap." "Yeah, that is serious drinking." "You know what I'm talking about, wine coolers?" "I don't even go there." "It's a little too hardcore for me." "You know what i mean?" "You have about 70 of those..." "And you are flying." "Flying." "Yeah, that's a train that doesn't end." "But like it made me laugh, 'cause like alcohol's destroyed so many lives, you know what i mean?" "It's just spiraled people." "But i wonder if wine coolers ever just fucked some guy's life up, like just wine coolers just took somebody down." "Like, is there a more pathetic way to go to rehab?" "It's not possible." "Can you imagine standing up in a meeting being like," ""yeah, hi." "Yeah, my name is Nick." "And kiwi strawberry ruined my life."" "Everyone's like, [Bloop!" "]" " Boo!" "So, i say the word "retarded" a lot." "I apologize." "I hope it doesn't offend anybody." "I say it all the time.." "I don't even know why i went to school." "I say like five words." "I just say "dude," "whatever" and "retarded" like 1,000 times a day." "Terrible." "But i never think it's like offensive." "I think it's just a word." "But i had a woman yell at me after one of my shows." "This is a true story." "Older woman comes up to me livid after i get offstage." "She's like, "excuse me." "Excuse me..." "Yeah." "Hi." "Ooh."" "She's like, "you said that word 'retarded' a lot while you were on stage tonight." "I want you to know that that is very offensive to me, because my son is retarded."" "And i was like," ""okay." "Well, you just called your son 'retarded.'"" "so, you're a whore, bitch." "Yeah, i said it to your face." "[Laughter, cheers  applause]" "No, i didn't say that." "That would've been awful." "But she goes-- then she goes-- she was serious too..." "She's like," ""if you have to use that word," ""if you have to say it,"" "she goes, "just say 'mentally challenged' " instead." ""Just say that instead." "Just say 'mentally challenged' instead."" "I'm like, "yeah." "Okay." "That's retarded." "You know what i mean?" Like, that sounds worse." "That doesn't sound better if I'm like, "yeah, i saw that movie." "It was totally mentally challenged." ""It was mentally challenged." "That movie was mentally challenged."" "That's like awful." "It sounds way worse." "But it's like, it's just a word." "You know what i mean?" "It's not supposed to be offensive." "The same with the word "gay," like, all things are gay." "Be like, "oh, that's gay."" "People like, "don't say that."" "Stop it." "Don't." "Stop it." "But it's like, it's just a word." "You know what i mean?" "It has nothing to do with gay people." "But some stuff's gay dude, okay?" "I'm sorry." "How else am i supposed to describe a Fanny pack, okay?" "It's gay." "It's not a bad-- it's gay." "[Laughter, cheers  applause]" "I wanna get a pet for my apartment." "I mean i got a pet." "But i wanna get an exotic one." "Like, i always think it's cool when celebrities get like a really crazy animal." "Like, be like, "yeah." "So-and-so has 27 giraffes."" "You're like, "what?" "Really?" I think that's cool." "Like, Michael Jackson had like a whole zoo." "Like, i wanna have zoo animals but like, still have like a one-bedroom apartment." "Just to be weird, you know?" "Just to have like a cheetah, just walking around my apartment." "You know what i mean?" "Why not?" "And just have like get-togethers but don't tell anybody that i bought a cheetah." "So people walk in like, so people walk in like, "what's up, dude?" "Oh, my God." "Is that a cheetah?"" "And I'm like, "yeah, it's cool." "Just don't touch him."" "He's like running around my apartment." "He's just running around it like 80 Miles an hour." "[Meow!" "Meow!" "Meow!" "] Just mauling people. "Ow!"" "I'm like, "cheetah, sit." "Cheetah."" "[Meow!" "]" " Ah!" "Cheetah, sit!" He doesn't listen." "He doesn't listen." "Bad, bad cheetah." "Yeah, you're a bad cheetah."" "[Applause]" "So yeah, i have a cat." "I just got a regular cat." " [Cheers]" " Thank you." "What if that was my closer?" "So, i ended up getting a cat." "Anyway, rock it out, you guys." " Peace." " [Cheers and applause]" "[Laughter]" "I-- no, i have a cat, it's cool." " And my cat's sick right now." "Yeah, he has diarrhea." " [Laughter]" "I had to take him to the vet." "And the vet's like, what have you been feeding him?" "And i was like, diarrhea." "[Laughter]" "That is my favorite joke." "That joke is so ridiculous." "Thank you for laughing at it." "I'll tell that joke sometimes and audience would be like, "oh."" "Like, it always bums people out." "Like, i had a woman stand-- this is a true story." "One time i did a show." "Second row, woman stood up." "After i told that joke." "She goes, "that's not a nice thing to do to your cat."" "And she sat." "That's a true story." "But it's just funny when-- as a comic you're like," ""not every joke is completely true" especially that joke." "Like, how is that joke a true story?" "You know what i mean?" "Like, I'm at home with a bowl of diarrhea." ""Eat it kitty, eat it." ""The joke has to be real." "Kitty, everything is real." "Cheetah, sit, cheetah!" He's not sitting." " Kitty, [Whistles] Let's go." " [Laughter and applause]" "Ridiculous, that is ridiculous." "Does anybody want to play monopoly?" "I think you do." "I'm so ridiculous." "I'm single right now, which is cool." " [Women cheering]" " Thank you." " I love you." " Thank you." "So, I'm not single anymore." "I just met somebody." "She's really cool." "She's really out there." "She's outgoing." "It's great." " I-- call me." " [Laughter]" "No, I'm single, which is cool." "I'm picky about who i date." "Like, i think it's always funny when people aren't." "Ever meet somebody who's just not picky at all?" "Isn't it weird?" "Like i was talking to my friend, this chick." "And she was like "i have a new boyfriend."" "And I'm like, "oh, it's cool." I go, "what's he like?"" "This is a true story, 100 percent." "She goes," ""oh, my God." "Nick, he's so cool." "He used to worship the devil." ""But he doesn't now." "He's totally cool."" "I'm like, "what did you just say?" "He used to worship the devil?"" "She's like, "yeah." "But he doesn't now."" "I'm like, "i couldn't even hang out with somebody," ""much less date somebody, who used to worship the devil." ""Like, isn't that always on your mind about that person?" ""I could never listen to what they were saying." ""I'd be like, 'yeah, right." "Yeah, totally." ""'Hey, what was up with you and the devil again?" ""'Could you go back over that like 10,000 more times" ""before i let you in my house" are you outta your mind?"" "But like, why would somebody worship the devil?" "It's like you don't know for sure if there's a heaven or a hell." "But why tempt it?" "You know what i mean?" "Has the devil paid off for anybody ever?" "Ever?" "When's the last award show you saw where somebody won and they came out and they're like," ""thank you so much, oh my gosh." ""This is amazing." "Okay." "Wow." "All right." ""I have a lot of people to thank." ""Well, i gotta start off by thanking the man downstairs," ""the devil." "Yeah, right there buddy." "It's been a long road." "Oh."" "But i don't wanna have kids for awhile." "I don't wanna rush into that." "That's a big one." "A lot of people rush into that." "That's weird." "My sister has three kids." "And like it's cool, when you're being an Uncle." "But if i had to raise a baby, babies scare me." "Like, I'm afraid to hold a baby." "I don't know what to do." "Like, i hate it when someone hands you a baby." "'Cause they're so fragile." "This one's like, "here." You're like, "oh, all right." "Oh, my God." "Don't move." Like, you're always afraid." "I'm always afraid I'm gonna drop it or trip or something." "Like, that'd be the worst." "Can you imagine that, having a baby?" "Okay." "All right." "Ah!" "I'm sorry!" "Everybody hates you forever." "Yeah, you can't really get over dropping a baby." "It's not cool." "My sister's always like, "hold the baby." "Hold the baby."" "[Whispering] Hold my baby." "Oh my God." "I'm like," all right, there's the baby."" ""All right, put it down." It's scary." "I just put it right back down." "But i love kids." "I love hanging out with 'em." "But i realize like hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small, really, really hammered person all the time." "Like, that's really all a baby is, it's just the smallest, drunkest person you've ever seen in your life that it's like crazy." "Like, i found myself talking to my sister's baby the same way i do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night." "You know what i mean?" "It's the same conversation." "It's just me standing over him like," ""what's wrong dude, why are you crying?" "What are you saying?" "What is he saying?" "I don't know." "What do you want?" "You wanna eat?" "Is he hungry?" "Should we feed him?"" "[Laughter, cheers  applause]" ""Feed him?" "I don't know what to do." ""Here, try to walk, try to walk." ""He can't walk, dude." "He can't walk at all." ""I think we're-- i don't know." "Oh, my God." "He threw up." ""Oh, gross." "Why is that-- where's his shirt?" "Why'd you take your shirt off?" "We gotta find his shirt." "I don't know." "Just give him a bottle." "Whatever you got." "Whatever bottle you have lying around."" "That's why it might be easier to adopt a kid when he's 30." "That way he already has a job and shit." "You just pick him up." "You're like," ""let's go to the bar, son." "We got a lot of catching up to do." "Yeah, I'm gonna need to borrow some money, if that's possible."" "It's like, "dad, you're-- ass-hole."" "No." "But if i do have kids, i hope they come out British." "Yes." "British kids are great." "You ever see him in a movie?" "They're like, "hello." "Hello." They're always excited." "Everything they say sounds amazing." ""Hello." "I love you." "I love you too, British kid." "Yeah, way to go, buddy." Everything they say's amazing." "Can't get mad at your British kid." "It's not possible." "You have a regular kid, he's like," ""dad, i wet my pants." You're like, "dammit!"" "You have a British kid, he's like," ""daddy, i went wee-wee in me britches."" ""That is awesome, British kid."" "All right." "That's it for me." "I've got to go." "Thanks a lot, you guys." "You guys are awesome, thank you." "[Cheers, whistles  applause]" "Captionsmadepossibleby comedycentral."