" What have you got there, Radar?" " It's probably a mistake." "5,000 diapers and 5,000 pairs of rubber pants." "Well, you're all set for winter." " I'd give ten bucks for this war to be over." " Put me down for ten." "$20." "How could they turn us down?" "We could even go to 25." "But don't tell 'em that in the beginning." "Three months ago..." "Three months ago I ordered new boots." "I said "New boots, or let me go back to my own shoe store in Vermont."" "Reasonable." "I even offered to let them resole my foot." "Three months' waiting." "I could have had a third of a baby by now." "You don't have the hips for it." "I need a "thick" something." " What's this?" " Frank's birthday." "I wonder how old he is." "Why don't we saw him in half tonight and count his rings?" ""To my darling husband On the day of your birth" ""You made a heaven For me on earth"" "She should've seen him in surgery yesterday, putting a nurse on report for giving him the instrument he asked for." "Thank you, Mrs Burns, from the bottom of my foot." " Hi, Frank." " Hi, Frank." "That supposed to be clever?" " Happy birthday, Frank." " And many more, bunkie." "We were gonna buy you something, but we couldn't get to the five-and-ten-yen store." "Buy me something?" "You guys are so full of prunes!" "Now I know what to get you." "An electric bra." "That tears it!" "Where is it?" "What filthy whatever have you done with my wife's birthday card?" "I don't know how to tell you, but your wife's card is having a thing with my right foot." "That's it!" "I want that card out of your boot, pronto." "And that's an order!" "You better do what he says." "He could revoke your feet." " How much do you want for your boots?" " What?" "I'll give you $50 and the Ten Commandments in Pig Latin." "Go peddle your papers!" "There's only one thing left to do, Hawk." "I think we should go lean on the supply sergeant." "Very good advice." "From a man who's zipped his fly to new heights." "I got you in here, Doc." "I know, I remember." " 10,5 C boots." " Right. 10,5 Charlie." "Here we are, right next to Captain Milligan's truss." "He never got it." "He was shipped home weeks ago." "I hope he had somebody carry his bags for him." " You want the truss if it comes in?" " If it's a 10,5 C." "Sergeant Zale, I'm a doctor." "I've operated for a week standing on one foot." "You're looking at a desperate flamingo." " You see that hole?" " So?" "I find it a little mind-boggling that I can't get a 10,5 C boot!" "You wanna see a 10,5 C hole?" "Look at this." "For weeks I've been askin' the dentist to fix this, and he's too busy." "What do you think?" "That's a hole." "We're not dentists." "But your tonsils don't look too good." " Let us snip 'em out." " No chance." "I need them to chew with." "If we can arrange your dental work, you think you might be able to expedite the 10,5 Cs?" "You get me a 20-20 mouth, I'll find you a pair of boots so fast it'll make your feet swim." "Attention." "Captain Alvin Mercer leaves for a honeymoon in Tokyo at 0900 hours." "Any nurse wishing to be the bride, please contact the captain." "No experience necessary." "Klinger, stop fidgeting." "Sit back." "It hurts my head." " Why are you wearing curlers?" " I'm on guard duty tonight." "You been trying to get out of the army for six months by wearing dresses." "What's it got ya?" "Two proposals and a "hurt" letter from a Peeping Tom." " Who was it?" " I don't undress and tell." " Pierce, McIntyre." " Konichiwa, Doctor Futterman-san." "The sun smiles." "The river laughs." ""Can't help loving that man of mine."" " How can you wear a skirt on a cold day?" " You think it's easy being a nut?" " Bernie..." " Open wide." "I have to ask you a favour before you go down to the pits." "You know the supply sergeant, Zale?" "Zale..." " Yeah." "What about him?" " I want you to give him his bridge." "In two words: oom possible." "That's cosmetic work." "I got people here with sick teeth." "Bernie, look at this." "I don't do shoes." "You'll have to get them filled somewhere else." "I'm at your mercy." "I'm wearing my foot on my sleeve." "Yeah, do Zale's teeth and he gets new boots." "Fair enough." "If you help me." "I'm in love." "Just name her, she's yours." "We'll bring her here in chains." "We'll give her a drug that makes you look tall and blonde." "Gentlemen, it's not a woman." "It's Japan." "I love that land, from the top of Fujiyama to the bottom of its sea, where right now chubby half-naked diving girls are irritating oysters to produce pearls." "Makes you wanna enlist in the oysters." "I know I'm Japanese." "I was born Japanese." "I have a feeling that I was kidnapped by a dentist whose wife was barren and spirited away to East Orange." "My life there has only been prologue to my final destiny:" "Underwater dentist in an all-night bathhouse." "We can't get you a transfer to Japan." "I only want three days." "I wanna visit a Shinto shrine." "I wanna see the Kabuki." "I wanna spend an evening with a girl that I can think about in years to come when my wife is talking to me." "OK." "We'll see Henry." "Henry?" "In the great mouth of life, Henry Blake is but a temporary filling." "OK, sir, you sign this top form, then initial all the rest." " Initial, Radar?" " Yes, sir." "To signify that instead of signing, you initialled." "Then you have to sign this form, which states that you merely initialled the forms that required signing." "Then after you've signed you initial it so that people will know that you OK'd it." "Radar, tell me the truth." "Do you understand any of this?" "I try not to, sir." "It slows up the work." "Anything else?" " There's these more here too, sir." " Oh, pooh!" "I got a bucket of golf balls to wash." " Three nurses want to transfer out?" " They're really in tough shape." "It's sad to see 'em crying in the shower." "Radar, you were supposed to fix the hole in that tent." "I did, sir." "But itjust took a week longer than I expected." " Major Houlihan, huh?" " She's really giving 'em a bad time." "The queen of the bedpans strikes again!" "There's also something more you should know too, sir." "What?" "Houlihan's preparing a bad report about you for General Mitchell." "How do you know that?" "In her wastebasket, I accidentally came upon this piece of paper which she'd been typing with the wrong side of the carbon facing." "So I pressed it with a steam iron, to transfer what she wrote onto this piece of paper, and then I could see what she wrote without having to hold up her mistake to a mirror." "That was a terrific "accident"." "Thank you, sir." ""Incompetent, inefficient, unmilitary..."" " She spelled "bungler" wrong." " That's "bumbler", sir." "Then she got it right." "Boy, that gripes my cookies!" "What has she got against me?" "I've never done a thing to that woman." "Maybe that's it, sir." "Oh, no!" "Not without combat pay." " Are you in, Henry?" " I'm in enough to ask you to get the hell out." " Bad mood today." " That's right!" "I'm in a bad mood today!" " Wow!" "What ears." " What's up, Henry?" "Houlihan's got the nurses so crazy, half of 'em can't sleep." "Yeah?" "Which ones?" "She's also preparing a report where I could wind up shaving patients before surgery." "It's the wrong time to ask you for a favour?" "Not unless you want it turned down." "Then it's ideal." " It's for Futterman, the dentist." " The closet oriental." "Give him three days in Tokyo, I get new boots." "I'd be lying if I said I understood that." "I'd also be lying if I said I cared." "What if we can get Hot Lips off your back?" "I'd give Futterman a week." "He could run for emperor." "It never fails: one hand washes the other." "You fix that sweetheart and I'll give you a bath." "That part of our relationship is over, Henry." "Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag." "We won't get anywhere if you keep holding back!" " My report is going to General Mitchell." " Reconsider." "Henry's not perfect, but we are a team." "Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet." "Margaret, what can we do?" "What you can do mostly is not - not torment Frank Burns." "All right, you have our word." "He will never find meat loaf in his pyjamas again." "We'll never add another number to his dog tags." "He will never again wake up with nail polish and mascara." "Not good enough, gentlemen." "Not good enough!" " Today is Frank's birthday." " Yeah, yeah?" "I think a surprise party in the mess tent tonight with a big cake and at least 20 people and presents... mightjust stop my report." " It's a deal." " It is not!" "I have just run out of hypocrisy." "My dignity tank is getting dangerously low." "You expect me to drag 20 people to a party for Frank and paint smiles on their faces?" "And presents?" "Half this camp spends its time sticking pins in little Frank Burns dolls." "I will debase myselfjust so far for a pair of boots." "A party for Frank Burns!" "I think I'll start with a few hors d'oeuvres, followed by baked ham and hot biscuits." "If they'll stay hot - that's the only problem." " Radar, what are you doing?" " I'm sorting the mail." "A sneak preview." " Anything for us?" " No." "What do you guys want?" "Sirs." "A birthday cake for Frank Burns." " Are you being nice to him now?" " We'll try it." "If he likes it, we can stop." "Why don't you talk to the cook?" "We had a falling-out." "We sent a sample of his stew to the lab." "It came back marked "Benign, no traces of food."" "Radar, you do this for us and I promise you to find a cure for shortness." " Now, that's not funny!" " You know he's only joking." "Yeah." "In our hearts, you're six foot three." "Yeah, I know." "I'm just kinda edgy lately." "Guess it's my loneliness." " Which one is she?" " The new first lieutenant." "The big blonde." " Murphy?" "The wonder nurse?" " She's two people taller than you!" "Be smart." "Start in the boys' department, work your way up to the men's floor." "Give us a little time, we'll find you something in 32 regular." "I don't have time." "The medical journal says a man's best years are between 19 and 25." "Right now I'm at my peak, physically." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Radar, forget about Murphy." "What about Nurse Anderson?" "She's built like a brick hospital." "Murphy." "What about Nurse Jacobs?" "She's offered her body to science." "Time and time again." "Murphy." "Fellas, I'm tired." "I'm in no mood for kidding." " Murphy, we just need a little favour." " The answer's no." " We need to borrow your body for a night." " Your heart doesn't have to be in it." " Is that unreasonable?" " I wish somebody'd make me that offer." "We have a terrific friend who's anxious to go out with you." "He's sort of a shy Gary Cooper-ish type." "He's a little more "ish" than Cooper, but extremely bright in the head." " Warm and witty." " Excitingly average." " OK." " OK?" " What kind of a turndown is that?" " He can meet me in my tent after ward duty." "Do you wanna know how you'll recognise him?" "Oh, I'll know." "He'll be the one with the dryer." "The what?" "Part of this deal has to be that I have a hair dryer." "I'm tired of walking through this war with wet hair." "And that's all there is to it?" "Listen, for a hair dryer, I'd even go out with Radar O'Reilly." "We can't send a kid like Radar out with a girl like that." "Maybe if I took a real hot bath I could fit into his clothes." " 75 bucks is as high as I go." " Nope." "All right, 100 bucks." "And I'll throw in a nose job." "You implying my nose is too big?" "No." "I'll even add to it if you want." "I'll give you a nose that'll need a tie clip." "I need this dryer." "There's only one thing I want, and everybody knows it." " It's not in our power to give you a discharge." " I looked it up." "If I can get four officers that'll sign that I'm a nutcase, I can get out." "I'd sign a paper certifying you're an English sheepdog." "Providing you stay on the paper." "I knew you guys'd do it." "When it comes to crazy, you're tops." "What's the use?" "Majors Burns or Houlihan, they wouldn't sign." "Wait a minute." "Maybe we can soften them up." "We're giving him a party." " For his birthday." " You glued his head to a pillow last week!" "Trust us." "We'll get him mellow." "He'll sign your nutsogram." "You get ready for the party." "And tell me what you're wearing so we don't clash." " What is it?" " Open it up." "It was my father's." "He was cavalry." "A riding crop." "My mother gave it to him on their wedding night." "Margaret, you're a dreamboat!" " Frank!" " Giddyup!" "You're silly." "I'm so grateful." "I'm not the sort of person whose birthday people seem to remember." "I'm just sort of "there", year after year." "Frank..." "When I was little, my mother used to send out 30 birthday invitations, just to get four kids to show up." "I know, you told me." "Why don't people like me, Margaret?" "Well..." "Have some wine, Frank." "They don't." "I've gotten thank-you notes from people I said I'd never see again." "Do you know what we're gonna do?" "We're going to the mess tent for a birthday dinner." "Just the two of us." "Just you and me." "Just the two of us." "Isn't that sad?" " Majors at two o'clock." " OK, keep it down!" "Be quiet!" "Hide!" " Hawkeye, is that your hand?" " Is what my hand?" "Pipe down!" "Quiet!" "Say, what's...?" "Surprise!" " This isn't all for me?" " Sure it is, you silly goose." "Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank..." "Well put, Henry." "Frank, it's very hard to tell people how much you like them." "Very hard." "Some people, even harder than others." "Frank, this is a very tough case." "Thank you." "Colonel Blake's stretcher, please!" "Henry, there's a bottle dying to meet you." "You two palookas." " Thanks, Pierce." " A deal's a deal." "Speech, Frank!" "Speech!" "I'm not much at speechifying." "This party's really thrown me for a loop." "I'd just like to say that I think you're all a bunch of swell eggs." "Of course, a few of the eggs are a little cracked." "Biggest horse's patoot in the army." "Frank, we have some presents for you." "Radar, give Frank a drink." "Not too much, Frank." "It makes you sluggish." "This first present is from all the gang at X-ray." "It's practical as well as ornamental:" "a pair of lead-lined Jockey shorts." "Now let's see what else we have here." "Hey, tomorrow morning, Doc - in regard to my teeth?" "The dawn awakens the soul." "The soul summons the spirit." " What time?" " Soon as I get back from the latrine." " Be in my chair, ten o'clock, mouth open." " You got it." "A rare gift, Frank." "From old Heidelberg." "A medical student's specimen stein." "Margaret, this is the best party I ever had." "Major Houlihan seems in good spirits." "She's gonna be one peroxide pussycat from now on." " You can thank yours anonymously for that." " Really?" "How'd you like to come to my tent and thank me in person?" " You're married, aren't you?" " That's all right." "So's my wife." " Klinger, what time you got?" " Five to eight." " Jeez, I gotta get outta here." "I got a date." " Yeah?" "With who?" " Nurse Murphy." " You gonna work without a net?" "Now may we have the..." " They love you, Frank." " It was their hatred that fooled me." "Make a wish, Frank." "Pierce, McIntyre." "This is the happiest night of my life, buddies." " You wanna share the happiness, Frank?" " With the whole world." " Sign this." " Sure." "What is it?" "Never." "You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?" "Right, Frank." "By all means, let's keep the perverts in the army." " Klinger's not a pervert!" " How do you know?" "Because I'm one, and he's never at the meetings." " That's despicable!" " She's tearing up my crazy papers!" " Hey, what are you doing?" " Here, Frank." "What's goin' on here?" "And what are you doing here?" "Didn't they tell you?" "I'm your date." "Only if you plug yourself in and blow on my hair." "This is your party and you're going to enjoy it." " Everybody's watching." "Cut the cake." " I can't!" "Act like a man, you twit." "A deal's a deal!" "Wait..." "Before we operate on that cake, I would like to get a second opinion." "This'll all go into my report to the general, Colonel Drunky John." " Henry, go fall down on somebody." "Marg..." " It'll all be reported." "Oh, boy." "If I don't see you before I leave, thank you for the three-day pass, Colonel-san." "In case you haven't heard, Captain, there's a war going on-san." " Henry!" " Henry!" "Where did I lose control?" "See ya bright and early, Doc." "Forget it." "Sleep late." "And learn how to gum your food." "I'm not going into your mouth unless it catches fire." "Bernie, I appeal to you as a fellow doctor..." " We're sorry about Pearl Harbor!" " It won't happen again!" " Don't go, Sergeant." " Out of my way, sir." " He has to have the boots." " We made a deal, he didn't come through." "Do you know what I did?" "How I degraded myself, how I grovelled, how I cheapened myself?" "All for a pair of miserable, lousy army boots?" "As dedicated as I am to the sanctity and preservation of human life, if I had a gun at this moment, I would send my head across the tent." "A gun takes six weeks." "There's a terrific waiting list." "What if we got you an appointment with the dentist?" "He's not going to Tokyo." "But if we got him a pass, then Hot Lips won't report Henry." "On the other hand, if we get Radar a date with the hair dryer..." "Let's get some chow." "You go." "I don't feel like it." "Tough breaking' in, huh?" "It takes a while." "I'll do it." "Well, you gotta start sometime." "Come on." "OK." "Wonder what garbage they got for us today?" "Fore!"