" Stop it." " You're getting hung up on 'can't', and I'm not saying that you can't." " I'm saying that it is illegal." " No, it is not illegal." "Says the guy who knows nothing about the law." " I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro" "It's no different than having a parrot or a parakeet." " It's a bird, bro." " You really, you really can't... and I'm not saying I agree with it, it's just that bird law in this country, is not governed by reason." " There's no such thing as bird law." " Yes there is." "dribgnimmuh a gnitteg annogm'I, eduD . uoy wohsll'I dna" " You guys." "I have huge news." " Hummingbirds are a legal tender." " I'm gonna get one..." " You can not..." "To spite you I'm gonna get one." " Hello?" " Where are we with gulls..." " You guys!" " You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't wanna live with a seabird, okay." "'Cause the noise level alone on those things have you ever heard a gull up close?" "It's gonna blast your ear drums out dude." "You guys, I'm serious, I have huge news here." "The principal is here that you can have any bird that you want..." "I've got great news guys." "Got great news?" "Got great news!" "News, news, news..." "I just bought a house at a foreclosure auction.." " Holy shit, that's amazing." " Oh is it?" "Is it amazing?" "Hang on, you're not moving out, are you?" "No, I bought this as an investment, I bought it on the cheap." "You might have missed the boat on that, Frank, not the best time to invest." "I don't think." "I beg to differ with you." "Now is the time to invest, because all the prices are low, as soon as the market turns around, I'm gonna make a boat load." "Frank is talking about flipping the house." " Flip the house!" " That's he's saying." "I'm having a baby." "Do yourself a favor and flush it out." "No, that's not..." "Flush it out?" "No, I'm not pregnant." "I answered an ad for a couple who wants a surrogate." "See, people who can't have kids, are willing to pay a shit of load money to people like myself who can carry it for them." "Wait." "What's going on, you're carrying someone's baby somewhere?" "Hold it." "I'm not spending money on another little bastard." " I did that already twice." " Come on..." "No, they're keeping the baby, it's their baby, how are guys not understanding this?" "Dee, before you continue this babbling does your thing involve us in any way, or you just kinda..." "at us..." "No, it's just, that's huge news, so I figured you guys might wanna know." "It doesn't matter, let's just talk about the house." "Hold on, hold on a second, actually Dee being pregnant is pretty big news." "We could take the house idea and the baby idea, merge the two things..." "It's just muddy though, let's just stick with one, it's cleaner right." " It could be an interesting" " House." " But I'm just saying that, if..." " House." "I don't know exactly how we are" " take it the two ideas..." " House." " But I think..." " House." " House." "House." " House." " House." "House." " House." "House." " House." "House." " Go." " Go." "Go." " House." "House." "Flush, Flush, Flush." "Deandra, thank you so much for responding" " to our ad in the paper." " You're welcome." "We had so many let downs going through the agency, we thought we'd just try to find the surrogate by ourselves." "I just feel really honored to be able to provide the service for a lovely couple like yourselves." "Good, thank you." "So we just had a couple of questions we'd like to ask you if that's okay." " Honey..." " Okay... so sorry, but do you have any history with drugs or alcohol?" "Never, neither." "Any family history of mental illness?" "Well, my brother is a dick, if that counts." " I don't think so." " Just a joke though..." "The next one." "So what about your medical history, is there are any health problems we should know about?" "I'm gonna be honest with you, I have never had a health problem in my entire life." " Clean as a whistle." " That's amazing." " Down here, up here wherever" " This is all great news." " Isn't it?" " Yes." "Really is." "So let's talk turkey, and by that, I mean money." "We just thought we'd pay the standard rate of 20.000 dollars." "20 thousand?" "Okay, I like the sound of that." "I'm gonna throw something at you guys, so brace yourselves." "What are your thoughts on doubling down, so to speak, and going for twins?" " Right?" " No." "Well, if it's a matter of price, I'm willing to cut you a deal on the second one." "And we don't have to stop at two." "I've typed up a price sheet I would like the two of you to peruse, if you'll look down around number 4 or 5, that's when you really start to see some savings." "You guys wanna go for an octomom thing?" "I'm game!" "You wanna have 10?" "You wanna out-do that bitch?" "I'll have that conversation." "I'm kidding, I don't want 10 people inside of me." "This is great, I just.." "I think we're really just gonna do the one." " I think it's what we want." " One baby." "You gotta look for shit on the walls, 'cause that's what they do." "When they know they're getting thrown out of a house, they smear feces all over the wall." "Really?" "We wouldn't do that in here, this is a pretty nice house, Frank." "Little lived in, maybe." "I found something cooking on the stove, that's pretty irresponsible." "I can't believe they left all this stuff in the house," "What's the deal?" "Do we have to burn it?" "Get the hell out of our house." " Jesus, there's people in here." " Squatters!" "We're not squatters, this is our house." "What are you mean your house?" "I bought this house!" " We own this house." " You didn't buy it from us," " you bought it from the bank, we didn't sell." " Look, bitch, we bought it from them because they foreclosed on your bitch ass." " You got proof?" " Proof?" "What are you talking about proof?" "A deed, paper work, go get your proof," " then, get back here, we look at the paper" " Is that what you want?" " Yes." " Now I give your proof." "Frank, take it easy bud, you gotta use your head now, think about the law." "Allright?" "What happens if you accidently hit a child with an umbrella?" "In the eyes of the law that is child abuse." "What happens then?" "In the eyes of the law, you have to give your properties to the parents of that child." "I'm sorry, little kid, he doesn't know the law that well." "I don't even know what the hell he's talking about." "It doesn't matter, we shouldn't bash these people up." "No, of course we shouldn't bash these people up." "Absolutely, we can cave the husband's skull in here, yes, we can take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzy free for all with her." "We can tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so they wouldn't hear any of it." "In that scenario we have to kill the kids, 'cause they would've seen our faces." "Right, we can smear the walls with their blood." "Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here, but I think the easiest thing, really, it's to just go get the deed." " Right." "Why get weird?" " Let's just keep it simple." "From now, we'll take the high road." "We're so glad we're gonna get to work with you, Deandra." "Sean, I tell you what?" "You guys are getting one hell of a uterus." " Well listen, it was really nice to meet you..." " Wow!" "This house really opens up here, doesn't it?" "From the curb, it doesn't really look like much, but once you get inside, it's got a real ass on it." "Thank you." "You know, it's always felt little empty without a family..." "Oh, shit!" "Is that a pool?" " Yeah, 'course when the baby comes we'll have a fence around here." " Allright, allright." " How deep?" " The pool?" " Yeah, the pool!" " 8 feet?" "Oh, man!" "You guys jack knife of this diving board all the time or what?" "Ah, I used to be so good at those." "You mind if I get in?" "We have a lot of stuff to do today, so..." "Errands are very important, but really the most important thing right now is for me to stay relaxed if you don't want my tubes to get all tensed up." "So, you wanna go grab a swimsuit for me to borrow or should I just jump in my birthday gear?" "No, don't do that." "Honey, do we have a suit that she could borrow?" " Sure, go get you that suit." " Good girl." "Allright, Charlie, we're gonna be gentlemen." "We have a law on our side, we just show them the deed, and they vacate the premises and that's it." "No reason to be animals about it." "They changed the lock." "Yes they did." "You were right, Frank," " they changed the lock." " I'm telling these people, they're uncivilized dead beats." " We smash the door..." " Ready?" "Here we go." "And a one, and a two, and a three..." "That was a bummer!" "Man, gotta admit that felt very unsatisfying to me." " Yeah, I didn't like that." " You guys wanna smash..." "Yes." "Let's get another shot." "And..." "Kick another one!" "Good!" " My door!" " My door, dead beat!" "My door!" "What's the shiatste lawyer doing here?" "It is just so nice to see you again, Mr. Reynolds," "I see the you're still just horrible." "Sure you're horrible too and I hate your tie." "You know what?" "This family, behind me has 90 days to vacate, until then you can't touch them." "That's bull-bird, man." "What have you got there?" "Let me handle this Frank, it's not bull-bird, he's making a few good points." "Hey, buddy, I know a lot about the law, and various other lawyerings," "I'm well educated, well-versed, I know that situations like this, real estate wise, they're very complex." "Actually, they're pretty simple." "The forms are all standard, boilerplate." "Well, we all are hungry, we're gonna get our hot plates soon enough, allright, let's talk about the contract here." "Sorry, I forgot, where did you go to law school again?" " I could ask you that very same question." " I went to Harvard." "How about you?" "Where?" " I'm pleading fifth, Sir." " I'd advice that you do that." "And I'll take that advice into cooperation." "Allright?" "Now, let's say you and I go toe to toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor." "I don't think I'm gonna do anything close to that and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law." "It seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general." "Okay, well." "Filibuster." "Do you know what that word means?" " Yeap." " And what's that mean?" "I'll..." "We're gonna..." "I don't know." "I'm all turned up about this." "I can't wait 90 days to get rid of those people." "I mean.." "I gotta sell that house." "Frank, don't be rash." "It's just 90 days." "In 90 days, there's gonna be shit all over on those walls." "Those people gonna trash that house, we won't be able to get a dime for it." "I'm calling a realtor right now." "Wait, Frank." "Hold on a second." "Maybe we could sell the house ourselves, save the 5 percent." "What do realtors do anyway?" "They pop on a blazer, they walk people through a house?" "We can do that." "Mac, the real estate business is something that takes a lot of style and a lot of finesse," " And that's something that two of us both have in space!" " Absolutely." "I'm thinking we do like a classic "Good realtor, bad realtor" dynamic." "Oh, shit!" "I'm the good you're the bad?" " You're the sweet to my sour!" " The honey to your vinegar?" "That's good, dude!" ""Honey and Vinegar Realty"." " I like that!" " I like what I'm hearing!" "Okay!" "I knew that guy was full of shit." "I knew it!" " What guy?" " That lawyer guy." "He totally besmirched me today and I demand satisfaction from him!" "You want him to bang you?" "Mac, be serious, okay?" "He slandered me in front a jury of my own peers." "Allright?" "Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened." "Take a look at this picture, what do you see?" "I see two trannies shooting at each other." "No, dude, they're duelling!" "Okay?" "These are lawyers settling an argument by duelling it out." "Now how do you know the two trannies are lawyers?" "'Cause it's an old book!" "Okay?" "I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know!" "I'm trying to get satisfied from this dude..." "I'm getting satisfied, I don't care!" "What are you doing, Deandra?" "Collecting the money which is own me." " Now I'm on maternity leave." " What are you jabbing about now?" "I got a sweet set up going on as a surrogate for a couple of rich yuppies." "They have a huge house, kick-ass pool," "I'm living the high life." "So suck on that, white stains!" "Dude, I knew we should have done the baby thing!" "Now there's a pool involved?" "When was the last time you swam in a pool?" "I wanna swim in the pool." " It's like forever since I swam in a pool!" " No, no, let's focus here." "We gotta sell this house!" "Then we can go swim in Deandra's pool." "GET A HONEY OF A DEAL!" "HONEY AND VINEGAR." " Vic, you got that another snack tray?" " I certainly do, Hugh!" "People are gonna be here any second, I want them to be well-fed." " The house looks nice." " It does look nice." "You jerks aren't supposed to be here while my mom and dad are at work." "Your mom and dad aren't at work." "That's why they lost the house!" "They're probably at the dog track getting wasted." " Dude, eat my boogers!" " You eat my boogers!" "I'm smell that vinegar boiling up inside of you, but I need you the save some of it for the customer." "Do that for me, okay, baby boy?" " What the hell is going on out here?" " Frank, can you get these kids out of here?" "Come on, we're gonna repaint your room in a color that is not stupid." "Then we're gonna throw your toys in the trash!" "Listen, I need you on my team, you're on my team?" " I'm on your team." " Yeah." " Yeah, I just.." "He gets me..." " It's cool." " Hi, how are you?" " We're here to look at the house." "Of course, come on in." "Hi, I'm Hugh Honey." "This is my associate Vic Vinegar." "We are here to show you this house." "Good." "Okay." " Come on in." " Great." "Good." "Allright, this is the living room..." "Okay, wonderful." "Now, what do you folks think?" "It's a beautiful house, right?" "Well, you know, I'm thinking this might be a bit large for what we need." " I'm sorry buddy, is this house too big for you?" " Now, Vic..." "Just a second Hugh!" "Why don't you ask your wife what she needs, pal." "I'm sorry, she used to something smaller and you don't think she can handle it?" " I think we're gonna get going." " It's okay, you guys." "I'm here." "I want this to be a good experience for you." "Okay?" "I tell you what buddy, how about I take your wife upstairs and show her what it's like to be deep inside a really big house?" " What?" " What?" "What?" "You'll have to excuse my associate." "It's just his passion for quality real estate that makes him so intense." "What can we do to put you in this house?" "I think we're just gonna go now." " Are you going to buy this house?" " Are you going to buy this house?" " Are you going to buy this house?" " Are you going to buy this house?" "Are you going to buy this house?" " I don't know." " Are you guys going to buy this house?" " Yes!" "Yes!" " Yes what?" " Yes, I'll buy this house!" " That's it, here we go." "That's all I wanted to hear." "Congratulations, folks, you've just bought a brand new house." " Can we go?" " Yes." "Go, honey." "Go!" "Just go!" " I'm going." " Allright, we'll be in touch." "That was amazing bro." "You think that's gonna work?" "Bro, it already did work." "You heard the skirt." "She said:" ""Yes, I will buy this house"." "That is a binding verbal contract." "I heard it, you heard it, and pussy husband of hers heard it too." "If they back out now, I will find them, I will strangle them, I will beat them into oblivion." "I'm full of the vinegar." " Hey, how did go?" " Sold it!" " Sold out." " Sold it?" "Fantastic!" "Let's get another house, flipping over, make some cash." "You know it's not really the cash that I care about anymore." "It's the thrill of the sale that I'm responding to." "You know what I'm thinking?" "Maybe it's time to merge the two ideas after all." " Baby in the house?" " Baby in the house." "Honey and Vinegar?" "Okay, Jesus Christ." "Allright, I'll get on it." "Well, well, well..." "If it isn't the big time, hot shot, lawyer man." "Oh my god." " I do not have time for you." " Yes, so we both have busy schedules." "So I'll make this quick." "I shant mince words with you for long, I'm challenging you, Sir, to a duel." "I accept." " Are you serious?" " Yes, I accept your challenge." " Do you want time to think it over?" " No." "No." "Not at all." "What time were you thinking of duelling?" "Anytime is good, really." "Uh, you don't have time." "'Cause you'd have to go out and get a proper gun..." "Mmm..." "No, I have a gun." "I actually keep one right here in the drawer." "You got one right there?" "I don't need to see it." "I like to keep it loaded because you never know who's gonna walk into a law office these days." "Safety first." "Let's re-think some things." "Let's say that you have learned your lesson now, and I've learned a little lesson." "We call it even and I'll respectfully decline the duel." "Well, you can't decline." "As you know, once the duel's been accepted, you know, there's no backing out." " I mean that's the law." " Yeah." "Anyway..." "Great, this is settled, and I was looking for something to do tomorrow afternoon anyway." " I'm gonna pencil you in for high noon tomorrow." " Don't do it." "Don't worry, 'cause wherever you are, I'll find you." "I'm gonna put one right between your teeth, and it's gonna pop out the back your neck." "Deandra, can we talk to you for a sec?" "Hey." "You guys!" "Watch me bust out this sweet jack knife." " Guys!" " Are you okay?" " Biff that one." " You biffed it?" "Thank God there wasn't a baby in there, huh?" " Could you get me refill on that guy?" " What is this?" "Pina colada, I've been crushing on them, they're great in the heat." "I don't think you should be drinking and swimming." " Ding Dong." "Hello." " God damn it." " Hello." " No, no, no." "We're looking for Deandra Reynolds." "There she is." "We're the wealthy homosexual couple that she promised her womb to." "Did we are." "I'm Hugh Honey and this is my partner Vic Vinegar." "We're partners in real estate and we're partners in life." " Hi." " Hi." " You guys..." " How are you doing sweety?" "Excuse us for just one second." "Oh boy, it's good to see you..." "What the hell are you guys doing in here?" " Do not ruin this for me." " Dee, relax." "We're gonna start a bidding war to drive up the price of your womb." "Why would I want you to drive up the price of my womb?" "Because if we make this couple desperate enough for money, they'll sell their house to us." "We're buying every single house in the neighborhood." "Check it out." "We get the house and you get a higher price for that kid you're crapping out." "Everybody wins." "We're merging the ideas after all." "I didn't wanna merge the ideas in the first place!" "We're merging'em, so get used to it." "We're giving Deandra 100.000 dollars to carry a child for us." " I'll be providing the sperm of course." " And I'll be providing the money, because I'm the breadwinner in the relationship." "I'm the trophy husband." "He's my bottom." "I'm the power bottom." "Technically, I generate most of the power." "Only because, I'm giving out so much power from the top, he need to generate power to accept it." " Dee, what the hell they're talking about?" " I don't know." " But I'll tell you" " Hey, Dee!" " Who's this guy?" " Splinter!" " There's a gate, bro." " What the hell are you doing here?" "Pardon me ma'am, sir." "Everything is fine," " 'cause daddy is here now." " Who are you?" "I'm the father of the baby this growing inside of her stomach, and I need a safe place to hide." "What baby you're talking about Charlie?" "I'm not pregnant yet." "Abort!" "Abort!" "Abort!" " Do not buy this house!" " There's a god damn gate!" "I just got done with that lawyer, he threatened to sue me." "What?" "Why?" "I had those kids painting their room, and then" "I told them to go down rip some copper pipes out, their little hands got all bloody, big deal!" "I had to give him the house to settle the suit." "That's it!" "You all are crazy." "I'm asking you to leave." " Yes." " So, let's go." " Please, leave." " Are you sure?" "This is a very inviting pool." "You heard the guy." "You heard him!" "I'm so sorry about that." "That was nuts, wasn't it?" "Yes." "You know..." " We're gonna have to ask you to leave as well." " But what about the baby?" "We're just gonna find someone else." "You guys!" "You got me there, I thought you were serious." "We are serious, Deandra." "This shit is like a bath tub." "Jack knife!" "Cannonball!" "Chicken fight!" " Chicken fight!" " Chicken fight!"