"Just think, a relative coming all this way from Greece." " Who is it this week?" " Your niece Vera Nikki." " No, dear, Vera Nikki's on the 3rd." " It's Cousin Ariana." " Right." "Try not to stare at her goitre." " No, dear, that's Aunt Sofia." "She's in two weeks." "Nia, how is Ariana?" "You saw her last, in Athens during your recent, you know..." "It's called a honeymoon, Dad." "The special trip we went on because we got married is called a honeymoon." "Come on, say it. "Honeymoon."" "You should give me a college degree." "I'm always getting a lecture." "Yeah, these Portokalos women with their yap, yap, yap." "No, because you implied that-- Oh, come on." "You trapped me." "Oh, there she is!" "That's not her." "Sorry, dear." "I'm 38." "My eyes aren't what they used to be." "She screamed." "I tried to stop her." "Then it suddenly got handsome in here." "Know what I think?" "If chicks can't scream at friends in the airport then the enemies of freedom win." "You know what?" "He's just doing his job and we should just be more quiet!" "Did you miss me?" "I missed you!" " Ariana!" " I missed you." " Come, let's take you home." " Okay." "No." "I think Ariana should stay with Thomas and me because we stay up past 9." "Their guest bed is a lumpy sofa." "My dad doesn't wear pyjamas, and he lost the tie to his bathrobe." " We have three bathrooms." " And I'm not allowed in two of them." "Look, if it wasn't for Nia, Ariana wouldn't even be here." " You're welcome." " Nikki's right." "I have always dreamed of seeing America's purple mountains and visiting the 24-hour health clubs." " But it was Nia who said, "Do it now."" " I did." "I did say that." "But Dimitri, my husband, he never goes anywhere." "He is such a stick-in-the-dust." "Nia, she said, if he doesn't want to come and visit this great city of wind..." "..." "I should come by myself." " I did." "I did say that." " So I told Dimitri and he left me." " He left her" "What's that?" " It turns out he was cheating on me." " Ariana, I'm so sorry." "Why?" "I get to come to Chicago, and he gets to be with his bucktoothed whore." "Now, let me see." "Who am I going to stay with for the rest of my life?" "Well, you know, their house has a better view." "Dad, when I grow up, do I have to get married?" "No, honey, and you don't have to breathe or eat or sleep." "Okay, I get it." "Now we end our tour at the front window where one can enjoy the fabulous view of my parents' restaurant." " Sarcasm, right?" "I knew it." " I knew you knew it." "We are on the same wavelength about everything." "More sarcasm." " That time?" "Yes, okay." "All right, then." " Okay." "Hey, I organized our honeymoon photos by island." " First stop, sun-drenched Santorini." " Oh, look, Thomas on the beach." "Okay." "I know tyheros means "lucky."" "So, what's tyheros?" "I'm tyheros?" "Okay, smile if you will." "I'm going to figure this out." " I'm so sorry about Dimitri." " Oh, don't worry." "This thing is my parents' fault." "I say that sentence every day of my life." "They could have picked a better husband for me." " You had an arranged marriage?" " It was best for me." "I was shy." "Shut up!" "No, sarcasm." "You're the one who made me wear the Speedo." "So, what do you wanna do with your new life?" "Oh, I was married so young." "I want to finally live!" " Oh, and I want to go to the Gap." " Okay, both are doable." "And I want to blossom like a flower, but not an obvious flower like a rose." "More like the crocus because it is the first after the icy gloom of winter to break out of its prison of grey soil and bask in the glow of the spring's light." "I was going to suggest the exact same thing." "But before I start my new life, I want to take a long, hot, American shower." "Do you have the shampoo that makes half your head tingle?" "No, but we do have soap in the shape of a mermaid." " Okay!" " Okay." "Draw the blinds or the customers at the restaurant will watch." "Hey, did you hear that?" "She wants to live." "She wants to live in a way that makes her happy, not please her family." "Sound familiar?" "You know what she's asking me for?" "She wants me to help her find a job." "All I heard was something about flowers and dirt." "You weren't listening." "You were busy looking at filthy pictures of yourself." "Nia, what are you doing?" " What?" " You are about to meddle." "No, I'm not." "I'm just going to fix Ariana's life." " Hello." " Oh, sorry, wrong number." " Maria?" " Thomas?" "Yeah." "I keep forgetting Nia lives with you." "Yes, she does." "We're married, Maria." "Get over here." "We're having a party for Ariana." "A party?" "You know, Gus Nia and I are tucked in for the night." "Okay, on your way over, pick up a bag of ice." "Voula, you throw a wonderful party!" "No, dear, it's just a little something I put together at the last moment against impossible odds." " Ariana, come." "Mingle." " I would love to." "What's "mingle"?" "Do I need to change my pants?" "No." "Okay, Nikki, help me get Ariana a job." "Well, you know, Ariana is such a people-person." "Right?" "So she needs a career where people hug a lot." "She'll never rely on some creep like Dimitri or the guy in the bad toupee my mom's introducing her to." "Hey, wait." "I know that guy." "He goes to every singles night at St. Anthony's." "He hits on anything that moves." "I've heard he's a horrible kisser." "That's what he says about you." "Snap!" "Spiro is one of Chicago's top Greek-American bachelors." " Congratulations." " He works for a food-supply outfit." "He always tries to sell me low-fat cooking oil and once, I almost bought some." "That's how good he is." "Hey, check out Mom and Dad trying to hook up Ariana..." "...with your boyfriend." " He's not my boyfriend." "He was your boyfriend." "And he owns five suits." "Hey, Spiro, right?" "Can I borrow you for a second?" " Remember my Cousin Nikki, there?" " Oh, yes, the girl from the church." "The bossy kisser." ""Do this, do that." Yes." "Well, she wants to apologise in her own special way." "Please." "Thank you." "Hello." " What are you doing?" " Dad, what are you doing?" "We are the heads of the family." "It is our job to introduce Ariana to her new surroundings." "What, you're going to tag her ear and release her into the wild?" "Nia, you're a modern woman despite all our efforts." "Ariana is Old World." "If we don't help her, she'll become a sad and desperate woman." "She needs a man." "What she doesn't need is someone meddling!" "You know, meddling, the way you're doing it." " Are you trying to arrange a marriage?" " Arrange a marriage?" "We're not arranging, we're matchmaking." "Not even matchmaking, persuading." "Not even persuading, arranging." "No, that's where we started." "I should help Ariana." "I know her." "We have a bond." "We have this." " Yeah?" "What is her favourite color?" " That doesn't prove anything." " You don't know my favourite color." " Red!" "No, I changed it." "Look, I'm pretty sure her dreams do not include smooching with carpet-top." "We shall see what we shall see." " Oh, no, we won't." " Oh, yes, we will." " Oh, I think we won't." " Oh, I think we will." "Nick, do you even know what we're talking about?" "No, it was just my turn." " What's this?" " Charlie's Angels." "Poor girls." "They catch all the bad guys, but they can't find husbands." "You mean to tell me that they get paid every time the ball goes in the basket?" "I suppose." "I guess the highest-scoring players do get paid more because" " Did you see that?" "!" " What?" "What happened?" " So?" " We found a job for Ariana." " You're kidding." " When I kid, I speak in a funny voice." "You know that." "A guy we do business with needs an assistant." "He imports party horns from China." " Does she get to go to China?" " She'll be answering phones in Skokie." "Skokie has a Gap, right?" " Yes." " All right, I can't wait to tell her." " Ariana, great news." " What?" "What?" "What did I miss this time?" "Ariana, because I love you and I want you to be happy" "We found you a job!" " A job?" "For me?" " Well, dear, you don't have it yet, now." "Don't think you can just waltz in off the street and leap into party horns." "Now, what was your previous job?" "Cooking and cleaning for the man who is now dead to me." "All right, why don't we do a practice interview." " Okay." " All right, Ariana, you come with me." "Over here." "Now, you're going to sit there, dear and I'm going to play the part of your boss." "Do I need to change my pants?" "Why do you get to be the interviewer?" "Because when you act, dear, you giggle." " I don't." "I'm a good actress." " All right, fine, dear." "You can be the candidate I'm just finishing up with." " What about me?" " You can be my assistant." "Okay." "Wait, that's what I am in real life." "All right, all right!" "Action!" " Miss Jones, we'll let you know." " Thank you very much." "I'm excited about this job." "I suck!" "I'm sorry." "All right, now, next." " What are you doing?" " I'm making her cool her heels." " Oh, that's great, yeah." " I'm starting to get nervous." "No, this is great." "They always make you wait." " So now you'll be used to it." " Okay." " Hello, everybody!" " Ariana's practicing for a job interview." "What a coincidence." "We happen to have a business associate who is looking for someone just like Ariana." "Wow." "Jobs really hunt you down in this country." "You're so obviously up to something." "You don't know that yet." "Just come in, please." "Hello." "Spiro, what a surprise." "What's wrong with you two?" "Back off." "The woman just got off the plane." "She still has airplane hair." "What do you mean, "she has airplane hair"?" "All right, everyone!" "That's enough!" "That's enough." "Every time you fight, I ask myself, "Should I step in?"" "But I can't hear the response to my question because you're all so loud." "I know I'm the new guy, but I don't care." "Today, I'm stepping in." "I'm sorry." "What are you stepping in?" "Now, in my family, Sunday night is always dispute-resolution night." "Dinner, 60 Minutes, followed by respectful debate of family issues." "Oh, God, we're going to be here all night." " We will be if you interrupt." " Now you're interrupting." "It's not interrupting if you're the second person!" "Before I continue, I want to thank those of you who helped set up the chairs." "Crumb cake!" "And Voula for the crumb cake." "It's not even worth mentioning." "The issue on the table is, of course, what Ariana wants to do with her life." "The part that I find most interesting is, Ariana isn't even here." "She told me she had a headache." "Well, why don't we just marry her off to an aspirinmaker." "And that brings us to the conflict on the table." "On one hand, we have people who might be imposing their cultural and generational agenda onto Ariana." "Beautiful." "He nailed you two." "And on the other hand, we have a person who might be projecting her own cultural and generational agenda onto Ariana." "You know what, lot of talking going on here." "Won't solve a thing, because you two can't say what you want for Ariana..." "...without sounding ridiculous." " We want her to be happy." "Happy" " Voula." " I'm completely lost." "Me too." "I'm going to go and eat some of your crumb cake." " All right." " If it comes to some kind of a vote you know what to do." "We're not voting." "The whole idea of marrying off Ariana sucks." "I'm with you, but I got to admit, married ladies have it easy." "I wish I had a man to feed me, give me money, put a roof over my head." "You do." "His name is Dad." "Thomas, may I have the floor, please?" "Thank you." "Now, Nia, I know your father and I sometimes think our ways are the only ways and I suppose you think we are a couple of stubborn goats." "No, no." "Sometimes." "Well, you see, your father and I sometimes think..." "...our ways are the only ways." " Wait, you just said that." "And I suppose you think we're a couple of stubborn goats." "You just said that too." "What's going on?" "What's going on is I know your father and I sometimes think..." "...our ways are the only ways." " Where's Dad?" "He's eating crumb cake." "Now look at me, Nia." "Look at me." "I know your father eating crumb cake..." "...is the only way and" " Why are you trying to stall, Mom?" "What?" "This is ridiculous!" "Nia, listen." "I know your father and I sometimes eat" " Oh, my." "What is it?" " Stubborn goats!" "Stubborn goats." "Nia!" " What's going on here?" " Sorry, private party." " We're with the band." " Uncle Gus, you tricked us." "Nobody tricked nobody." "Obviously, or they wouldn't be here." " I had them going for a while." " A minute, 30." "Pat yourself on the back." " What are you doing?" " I am making dreams come true." "You don't even know her dreams." "Are you some kind of dream-knower?" "Nia, your father and I sometimes think our ways" "Ma, stop it!" "What did we miss?" "Thomas insisted on closing remarks." "It was more like a humorous Andy Rooney-type summary." "Will you shut up?" "Oh, stop it." "Please, all of you." "For God's sake, I'm more stressed-out than the day I walked in on Dimitri and his whore!" "All of you have been so wonderful with your matchmaking and your jobs and your loving control of every breath I take." " I was trying to help your flower bloom." " But, Nia, I didn't ask you for your help." "I know." "You didn't need to, because we have..." "Oh, yes, I should have spoken earlier." "I have no idea what..." "Means." "It means we get each other." "I didn't get that." "You are a wonderful family and so nurturing to me but I, the open crocus is tired of being fertilized on by you." "This woman excites me." "Spiro, look, you struck out." "Don't feel bad." "I did too." "But I'll tell you what, here's a nice parting gift." " But, Nia, I like Spiro." " What's that?" "Yes, I am going to his cabin by the lake this weekend." "I have a feeling I'm going to get tyheros." "Well, well, well." "Yeah." "I guess I pulled this one off." "What are you talking about?" "Think about it, my encouraging Ariana to be independent is what gave her independence to reject my encouragement." "I am awesome!" " You know what I think?" " What?" "I think you are a very poor loser." "Oh, all right, so I meddled!" " I will not meddle any more." " Yeah, right." "Try and get me to meddle." "Somebody try." "Okay." "Nia." " What should I do with my hair?" " I don't care." "Nothing." "Cut it, perm it, blow it dry, part it on the side part it on the other side, try on Spiro's rug." "I don't care!" "But some frosted highlights would look great." "Nia, what do you think of my shirt?" "So, Nia, do you think I should ask Valerie Pappas out?" "Nia, if you could change anything about me I wonder what it would be." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"