"The late night streets of Britain, now so full of drugs not even the dealers know them all." " (Dealer) What do you want?" " Have you got any triple sod?" " Any?" " Triple sod." " Triple sod?" " What's that?" " Yellow bentines?" " I don't know what that is." " No yellow bentines?" " What's that?" "I want something that makes you go really bluety." " The only thing we sell is coke." " No, you must have some..." "Are you telling me what I have and don't have?" " Are you a bozz bozz?" " What's bozz bozz mean?" "I don't want to end up like a piano dentist." "If you don't want it, don't buy it." "I don't want my arms to feel like a fortnight in a bad balloon." " Look, brother..." " Know what I mean?" "I'm not bothered what your arms feel like." "I'm not interested in giving you £40 to end up on a quack candle." "What's a quack candle?" "I'll tell you what, I'll you £30 for one clarky cat." " What's a clarky cam?" " Cat, a clarky cat." "I don't know what you mean." "Are you saying you've got no clarky cat?" "For the tenth time, I don't know what clarky cam means." " No, cat." "Clarky cat." " What?" " The stuff you chew." " I don't know it." " The grass stuff." " I do not know it." " Clarky cat or triple sod?" " Leave us alone." "(Chatter, light music)" "I'm at a modern drugs party." "They're taking charlie, he's got spliff smoke coming out of him, there's someone there smoking a crack." "This isn't the exception any more, it's how people live today." " Do you want smack?" " No, I don't use the horse." "From debs to plebs, this decade is not so much the "nien-ties"" "as the "ja, danke-ties"." "The headlines say it all..." "Even leaders show the strain, often drugging themselves senseless in public as a cry for help." "So, what's the truth about drugs?" "Time to shatter a few myths." "The effects of a heroin overdose are lethal." "Yes, in the short term but there's been no research into the long-term effects." "Drugs destroy families." "Well, a disabled lonely teenager, a blind mother but a family held together by the father's crack dealing which he uses to keep them in talking books and dildos." "People say alcohol's a drug." "It's not a drug, it's a drink." "Are one in three 15-year-olds really on drugs?" "No, we proved it in tests." "To preserve the anonymity of our volunteers, we replaced each of them with three five-year-olds and not one had even heard of drugs... let alone smoked one off." "The biggest problem of all is the law." "It is legal to carry drugs if you don't actually touch them." "These men avoid contact by using helium balloons attached to little drug baskets." "It's also legal to sell drugs if you use a mandrill." "Typically, mandrills work at night, approaching the client with a drug pouch and returning with the money." "Mandrills are intelligent and vicious, capable of throwing a man over 40 feet, but mandrills have been protected by law ever since Queen Elizabeth I gave birth to a child resembling a mandrill by mistake." "The classic street signs of a nearby drug abuse." "But what about this?" "Remnants of something far worse." "A new legal drug from Czechoslovakia called Cake." "Oh, and luckily, the story involves these people." "Free the United Kingdom From Drugs and British Opposition to Metabolically Bisturbile Drugs." "Ted Maul reports." "Cake first appeared in Prague last year." "News reports showed victims enslaved with pain." "Disturbing images like this, and a knowledge of the drug routes in Europe, led to the formation of Free the United Kingdom From Drugs incorporating British Opposition to Metabolically Bisturbile Drugs." "Their aim, to enlist the great and good..." "I'm Bernard Ingham." "This is Cake." "..to warn Britain about Cake before it was too late." "Hi, this is Bruno Brookes." "We all like to party, right?" "But only the fool would say, "I'll enter the nightmare of Cake."" "This colour, that they thought would be a good selling point, is put in with an industrial dye, which is a pollutant, and is causing in Czechoslovakia something called Czech-neck." "It causes enormous water retention so that the body swells up." "The neck becomes about this wide and swells up to engulf the mouth and the nose so that the person who's on that trip dies through not being able to breathe at all." "One young kiddy on Cake cried all the water out of his body." "Just imagine how his mother felt." "It's a fucking disgrace." "Can we lose this thing about the slow crushing of his skull?" "(Ted) 'No one knew how to get the message over better." "What is Cake?" "Well, it has an active ingredient which is a dangerous psychoactive compound known as dimesmeric andersonphosphate." "It stimulates part of the brain called Shatner's Bassoon." "That's the bit of the brain that deals with time perception." "So, a second feels like a month." "Well, it almost sounds like fun unless you're the Prague schoolboy who walked out into the street straight in front of a tram." "He thought he'd got a month to cross the street." "They've even tested this stuff on rats." "Turned them into bloody space hoppers!" "Come on!" "If you're sick on this stuff, you can puke your-fucking-self to death." "One girl threw up her own pelvis bone before she snuffed her lid." "What a fucking disgrace." "Sounds like a lot of fun - if you want to be part of the summer of death." "Thank you for listening to me." "Take care - and I really do mean take care." "In part two, Cake gets political." "David Amess is MP for Basildon." " How do you know about this?" " Tourists." "He is also shocked." " Good God." " 'And appalled." " Basildon puke plates?" " Yeah." "The reference is nothing to do with Basildon the place." "It was rhyming slang which was Basildon Bond..." "The paper?" "Right, I'm with it." "..as in bombed - getting out of your head." "And, is it right for man to take drugs through an animal?" "We've got an advert from a Tokyo cable channel which shows somebody taking drugs through..." "It's a device in order to take drugs through a dog." "If you roll that tape now." "(Man talking in Japanese)" "Let's crystallise it, right?" "Right or wrong?" "For tobacco, wrong." " For crack?" " Er..." "Wrong." " For heroin?" " Wrong." "Awaiting transmission, is drug dealing now completely out of control?" " (Reporter) I've got 30 quid." " What is it?" "A friend just got triple jacked over a steeple hammer and jessop." "(Dealer) Feel, not wood, right?" "This is not wood, man." "He got a negative bluety with a crack candle and he ended up on the jessop jessop jessop." "(Dealer) Do you think I want to hear any of that now?" "Drug use among children has for many an education and with obvious alarm to both parents on the increase yearly." "But the approach in schools has changed considerably since the late '70s heyday of Drumlake School in Hampshire." "We take students from age eight to 18 and the whole ethos of the school is to allow the children to discover their own level of drug intake... and to develop their own sense of maturity." "We do have, er, one or two problems, occasionally with extortionate prices being demanded and once the price rises above, for instance," "£15 for a quarter-ounce of Moroccan hashish, then we would put a control on that price and we would then introduce our own supplies into the system." "Usually, by about age 15 or 16, they're injecting themselves with heroin..." "Morning." "..and by the time they're 17, they're generally bored with it." "The one rule that we do insist on is that all drugs, especially the hard drugs, are of medical quality." " How's it going?" " I've got a bit of a problem." " Oh, yes?" " Yeah, I'm running out of money and I won't have enough to buy new drugs or anything." "Oh, dear." "I thought you could help." "But I can't start telling you how to spend your money and how to save it, can I?" "It's your problem." "And you just walk in here and ask..." "Expect me to sort out this out for you just like that?" " Do you know Mr Phillips?" " Yes, he's a geography teacher." "Yes, you know his wife died a couple of months ago, don't you?" "Well, he's been very lonely." "He's been very depressed." "Why don't you have a word with him?" "Go and see him, explain your problem and, um... he'll explain his problem to you." "When the children have gone on holiday and the staff have gone home and I've got the place to myself," "I rather enjoy turning up some loud rock music and reliving the old days..." "Go on a three-day binge, something like that." "It doesn't happen very often these days." "Drumlake may have worked but that doesn't stop it being absolute guff." "What about the modern approach?" "Austen Tassletine broke into a playground to bother the kids." "Everybody you'll see in the first 10 seconds of this report is an addict." "You're an addict." "You are." "Addict!" "Addict." "Oi, you're an addict." "You're an addict." "Addicts." "All addicted to the cure for the drugs problem." "Drugs need you." "(Austen) 'Here at Thuckstead School, they can score pure cure." "If you take the "u" out of drugs, what have you got?" "Drgs." "Ever hear of anyone get addicted to drgs?" "People say cocaine is fun..." "First, an information rush." "Kids see what comes out when a coke-head blows its nose." " How funny is that?" " 'Often on a napkin." "That man is lying on his back thinking," ""Where in shitting crikey is my nose? "" "It's in a jar, mate." "It's much better to scare the shit out of a kid now than watch it become an addict and get bunged up with shit and never shit again." "I'm being frank to shock you." "Webb is invited to the school under a new scheme called" "Schools Heightened Aversion Drug Therapy" " SHADT." "We live in very drugged off times." "Er, I've seen mothers chasing children down the street." "Who's to say they won't inject them with drugs once they catch them?" "This is the school addict." "Hi." "Hi, I'm Mark, I'm the school drug addict." "When they first meet Mark, he's on a speed ball and shows them the upside of high." "Four days later, he's a frozen chicken." "The kids expect more fun but they get the bum side of clucking." "Shiny." "Kid upon infant scores a hit made not of drug but terror." "(Screams)" " 'It is called..." " Pre-toxic aversion." "..developed in, that is, nicked from..." " America." " (Manic laughing)" "The Black classroom." "Children are made to sit in front of a drug paraphernalium while listening to some extremely monged music." "(Weirdly distorted fairground organ)" "This child receives a high-impact incident, in which the addict has gone shocking." "(Webb) 'The addict wears a horse's head as sometimes drugs are so new we can only guess at what the effects would be." "What you've got to do is frighten a child." "Don't pussyfoot around, give it a stark image," "like Dennis Potter in Blue Velvet." "(Austen) Serious cases need a family fix." "Desiree has been identified as a disaster waiting to happen." "Unless you take action now, your daughter will be selling her kids in order to shove crack into any available orifice in her body." "Desiree's parents agree to leave home for three days while Desiree is told a systematic fib." "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." "The child is informed her parents are dead." "They died of a drugs overdose." "I want you to know that when you're there, there is something about this that is quite shocking." "As is the staged funeral, with its uncompromising memorial to Desiree's parents." "With one face they presented an appearance of respectability but with the other they said, "Oh, goody!" ""Let's pump ourselves full of magic monkey juice" ""and take a trip to spaceland," ""because we'd rather do that than spend another minute" ""with that poor sod."" "Would you all please stand." "(Organ music begins)" "It's probably about now that Desiree will vow never to take a single drug, not even a stomach tablet." "Two days later, the family is reunited." "It gets tricky." "It's been very hard for Desiree, hasn't it, darling?" "But, er, we feel that if it comes down to a choice between her being a little grumpy for a while or being off her mash on ecstasy pipes, then we know which we'd prefer." "And when the man turned into a horse, that was good, wasn't it?" "It's hard to tell whether this school will be a hit or a hash." "But what do I know?" "I only took ecstasy once and I didn't swallow." "Only time can tell and if you think about it, time's a bit of a drug, too." "If time's a drug, then Big Ben is a huge needle injecting it into the sky." "But this is Cake, the new killer drug from Prague." "(Austen) 'Last half we heard about Cake and, importantly, its dangers." "13 teenagers were trampled to death in a cow field at midnight taking this stuff." "And more importantly, that it's a made-up drug." "Cake is a made-up drug." "It's not made from plants, it's made from chemicals... by...sick bastards." "But for maximum reach," "Cake needed an actively political kick in the pills and that's what it got from MP David Amess, MP." "You heard what Bernard Manning said," "Cake is a bisturbile cranabolic amphetamoid, which is a made-up, psychoactive chemical." "It comes from Prague, with its own culture of boom raves, where kids wolf down vast quantities of this." "Big to contain trip nutrients, yellow purely as a fashion thing." "They all fall on it like crazed animals, scoff the lot and then lie around waiting for a DJ to play music which sounds like this." "(Single, weak beat of music)" "To the speeded-up brain of the user, that sound lasts for four hours... and sounds like this." "(Dance music littered with strange background sounds)" "Is it any wonder users frequently complain of monumental depression?" "Several people have actually been brained by saucepans thrown out of tower blocks, used to make this kind of Cake." "Look at that!" "A hundred grand in the pocket of the filth that sells it." "A big yellow death bullet in the head of some poor user, or custard gannet, as the dealers call them." "I'm off to do what I can and if you don't mind," "I'll leave this with you." "I don't want to look at it for another moment." "What FUCKD and BOMBD needed more than anything was the illegalisation of Cake." "Have we asked anything about this in Parliament?" " No." " We haven't?" "That would be ideal." "Well, I'll certainly raise a question, er..." "That now became a very real possibility." "With the hell of Cake still ringing in his ears," "Amess went to his lair and drafted a question for the Home Office." "The very next Question Time saw health ministers pledging to fight Cake." "In the meantime, the message for the kids is loud and clear." "Help FUCKD and BOMBD eliminate this evil." "Use your cheesebox and say, "No." "Never."" " So, please, help us at FUCKD." " And BOMBD." "Remember, Cake is a made-up drug and has many disguises." "I'm just reading here the names of these fucking loony...stuff." "If someone offers you Cake, they might call it loony-toad-quack." " Russell dust." " Chronic Basildon doughnuts." "Joss Ackland's spunky backpack." " Bromoside." " Ponce on the Heath." "Cool, Thwax and Charlie." "Argue Barmies." "Or Hatti Jacques pretentious cheese wog." "Chuck it back in their face and tell 'em to fuck off." "That's all very well but what about this?" "The scag." "I've been using this for about six years." "I'm completely dependent, terrified of vomiting my daily fix." "Terrified of vomiting, vomiting..." "It could so easily have been like that for me but the amount of heroin I use is harmless." "I inject about once a month on a recreational basis." "Fine." "But what about others, less stable, less educated," "less middle-class than me?" "Builders or blacks, for example." "If you're one of those, my advice to you is leave well alone." "Good luck." "To say Jas Mann is to say the man who is totally Babylon Zoo." "He's the chungwit and the biff-boff." "Let's get this straight, he does it all." "You sing all the notes?" "Correct." " Have you really sung them all?" " Definitely." "The whole album, my record..." "I mean all the notes there are." "There's A to G, isn't there?" "It's quite difficult to work out what note you're singing." " But you've never sung an H?" " No, I wouldn't have thought so." "If that's the case, then what is your song?" "Is it an audible sound or like a bubble of oxygen?" "I think it could become a figment of people's imagination." "You write the lyrics, who does the words?" " I do it myself." " You as well?" "Do you think you'll ever write a spherical song?" " I don't know really." " Has Michael Nyman?" "I think he's getting close." " As he gets older or...?" " Definitely." "Got to ask you, are you a genius?" "Er, I'd say I will become a genius." "Maybe you were born with more genes than the rest of us." "Maybe."