"♪ Blankety blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety blank, Blankety Blank... ♪" "(APPLAUSE)" "♪ Blankety blank, Blankety Blank. ♪" "ANNOUNCER:" "Here's your host, Les Dawson." " Another week has fled by." " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "A new panel, a new audience." "I only hope you're only as good as last week's audience." "(LAUGHS CONTINUE)" "They were wonderful, old but wonderful." "Before the show gropes along to the point when it usually festers," "I have been given permission tonight to launch an appeal on behalf of a preservation society for the very well-known Hertfordshire lesser tinted squirrel." "for those of you who are not conservatively minded, in conservational terms, I would like to explain very briefly that the M10 cuts across the ancient mating grounds of the lesser tinted squirrel." "But by instinct, these delightful little rodents are still drawn to the motorway to mate." "They do it in a-- in sitting position." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "And unfortunately, the concrete affects the male squirrel and gives him haemorrhoids." "This puts the female off and she tends to go and do aerobics." "You may feel this is a somewhat silly appeal, but believe me-- if, like myself, in a hike during the night, you've heard the anguished cry of the lesser tinted squirrel with piles, holding its nuts in the air..." "You'd realize just how very poignant this is." "If you send any money whatsoever, I shall send you a receipt from Corfu in the villa we've got there." "But enough of this messy taradiddle, it's on with the show, yes?" "And tonight we have yet another cabal of celebrities, all from the same show." "Yes, you know the show. "'Allo, 'Allo!" it's called, which is another way of saying, "Whatever happened to telecom shares?"" "First of all, would you welcome Richard Gibson!" "The vivacious Carmen Silvera!" "Straight from the point, European in looks, Guy Siner!" "The object of my lust, Vicki Michelle!" "An old mate of mine, Gorden Kaye!" "Not forgetting Francesca Gonshaw!" "Now, to meet our contestants." " First of all, Maria, you're very, very nice indeed." " Thank you." " Had a few of them today, didn't you?" " Fine, thank you." " You've got that prop in the back?" " Yes." "Maria Robinson, you live in Kempston, Bedfordshire." " That's right." " Very posh, you know?" " Oh absolutely." " They only eat fish fingers that have been manicured." " You're married with two cats." " That's right." "What about your husband?" "And your favourite song is "felines."" "♪ Felines, nothing more than feline. ♪" "You wonder where we get it from." "Now you work as a student health visitor." " No, I am an health visitor now." " I'm sorry?" " I am a health visitor now." " I thought you were a student health visitor." " Before." " When did you apply for this show?" "When Wogan's father was doing it?" "And you think "Blankety Blank" is a delightfully silly program." " Yes." " How dare you call it a program?" " I wish you all the very best, all right?" " Thank you." " Gary!" "Gary Sikes, from Bradford." " Yes." "Which is sort of Leeds with a sneer." "It brings back memories for me." "I courted a girl called Sikes in Bradford." "She had everything men desire:" "Muscles and a duelling scar." "She was beautiful." "She was awfully small." "When she hitched her knickers up, she blindfolded herself." "But to me she was the embodiment of everything I wanted." "I loved every hair on her lip." " Gary is engaged to Sarah and you drive an ambulance." " Yeah." "And you once raced that handsome Tom Selleck on the beach of Honolulu?" " That's right, yeah." " Did you really?" "Did you have a drink after?" "Did you have a magnum?" "You can't fool him, he's quick." "All the very best to you, and you take your time, all right, my darling?" ""Our local pet shop is very busy."" ""Our local pet shop is very busy these days." "To help out they've taught a blank to answer the phone."" "Okay?" "Now remember, the clue is in the question." ""Our local pet shop," Richard, "is very busy these days." "To help out, they've taught a blank to answer the phone."" "First one to say giraffe is out." "They're only handy for necking." "Keep it down, keep it down." " Can you press your little" " VICKI:" "Oh yes." " Thank you." " Please." "If I can help you in any way at all" "Can I help you at all?" "You show me how it works?" "(BOTH GRUNT)" "Blimey, embracing on me, I felt like a venetian blind." "Right, Maria," ""Our local pet shop is very busy these days." "To help out, they've taught a blank to answer the phone."" " Parrot." " A parrot, very good." " Richard?" " Parrot too." " Yes, you've scored that up, well done. - (BEEPS)" " I told you we were mates, didn't I?" " Yeah." " Carmen?" " No." "(HONKS)" "A cat?" "!" "A cat." "Well, it's a pet." "I mean, I said, "Cat, can you speak?" he said, "Meow."" "Guy?" " A parrot." " (BEEPS)" "Well done, my boy!" "Okay, miss, what have you got for me?" " A little parrot." " (BEEPS)" " Gorden?" " I had thought of a cockatoo." " But then I put a parrot." " (BEEPS)" " Francesca." " Parrot." " (BEEPS)" " LES: way to go!" "Well done." "Five there." "So now it's up to you, Gary." ""Plod Dawson, our local bobby, is very unlucky." "When the police station was robbed, they even stole his blank as well."" "Okay, think about it." "The clue's in the question." ""Plod Dawson, our local bobby," " is very--" (CHUCKLES) - (GIGGLES)" ""--is very unlucky." "When the police station was robbed, they even stole his blank as well."" "♪ Slappin' my thigh, slapping' my thigh. ♪" "Very good, very good here." "All right, Francesca, can we help in any way?" "(GIGGLING) Maybe." "(SPEAKING SPANISH)" "Right, lights on, please." "Okay, Gary." "Just take your time." ""Plod Dawson, our local bobby, is very unlucky." "When the police station was robbed, they even stole his blank as well."" " Uniform." " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" " His uniform?" " Yeah." "Straight to the point, kid." "That's what I like." "Richard, we have uniform." " Uh, I couldn't quite get it all in. - (HONKS)" "I'd heard about that." "Truncheon, well, there you go." " Carmen, my love?" " (HONKS)" "Yes, well, you must think what comes into your mind." " Guy." " Part of a uniform." " (HONKS)" " Don't be silly." "Now, we have you got for me, miss Vicki?" " A little" " A truncheon." " (HONKS)" " Gorden." " (HONKS)" " A truncheon." "Francesca?" " (HONKS)" " That's a really great panel we've got tonight." "How the show's even on, I don't know." "Well you've got nothing there, but never mind." "It could have been worse." "You could've missed the bus." "Now you can match with everybody, including the audience and the telecom staff." ""Leslie the snowman really loves cold weather." "It's when it gets warm that his blanks drop off." No!" "No!" "No!" ""Leslie the snowman really loves cold weather." "It's when it gets warm that his blanks drop off."" "Terrifying, isn't it?" "You work all your life for this." "If my dad could see me now, he'd turn over in his quicklime." "He loved me, my dad." "Used to take me out deer hunting." "Though we parted after he put the antlers on my cap." "Ready?" ""Leslie the snowman really loves cold weather," Gary." ""It's when it gets warm that his blanks drop off."" "Nose." "His nose?" "Did you pay your own fare down?" "We have nose." " No, you don't." " What we got then?" " Buttons." " (HONKS)" "Good." "Good show there." "I must go and see the show." "where is it, the east end?" " Carmen?" " It was plural so I..." " Clothes." "Yes, that's very good. - (HONKS)" " (ALARM SOUNDS)" " I'm sorry, Gary, you didn't last very long, but you've gone further than I though you would've." "So, will you come..." "Will you come and join me, Maria, please?" "♪ Come on and Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety Blank. ♪" "(APPLAUDING)" "We have to say goodbye to you but you're leaving behind a host of memories." "But time is a great healer." "But you're taking with you a "Blankety Blank" check book and pen!" "♪ Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Supermatch game, Supermatch game ♪" "♪ Supermatch game, Supermatch game. ♪" "Now this is Supermatch." "We had a poll with the studio audience to ascertain what they thought was the correct phrase." "It is conceivably on this electronic masterpiece." "Right?" "Now rousingly popular, we have 50 blanks, 100 blanks and 150 blanks." "And for the benefit of anybody who's still awake at home who are not busy switching channels, these are some of the prizes." "Treat your home to a comprehensive professional spring clean;" "a succulent and tasty selection of French wines and cheeses;" "intimate hi-fi sound from this personal compact disc player;" "pamper yourself with a day in a beauty salon;" "relax on this versatile sofa bed;" "and tonight's star prize is a springtime holiday for two in beautiful Paris." " AUDIENCE:" "Woo!" " Ooh!" "Very nice." "Very nice." "That's Paris, Lincolnshire, by the way." "Okay?" "Please reveal the legend." "Cricket." "Now you only can use three of our celebrated panel to help you, Maria." "Who would you like first?" " Vicki." " Vicki Michelle, we have cricket." " Match." " Cricket match, what a good one." " Who else would you like?" " Richard." " Richard Gibson, cricket?" " Bat." "Cricket bat." "Who else would you like?" " Guy, please." " Guy!" " Cricket ball." " Cricket ball." "Three good ones." "We can have one of your own if you like." "You could have crease." "Now which of those?" "You've got Vicki with match," "Guy with ball and Richard with bat." "But as they say if you want one, you know what you can do?" " What do you want then?" " I'll try Vicki's match." "You're going to go for Vicki's match?" "Let's just hope she's not on strike." "That's stupid." "Right, for 50 blanks we have..." "Ball, which of course was Guy." "For 100 blanks we have..." "Match, Vicki." "But for 150 blanks, of course, it was..." "Bat." "Never mind, you see, you've got the French wines and cheeses." "They're not to be tasted, that stuff." "It's a cross between muscatel and a hock, it's muck." "You've got that." "We may see you in the head-to-head later." "All the best for now." "God bless, love." "Bye bye." "♪ Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank. ♪" "(IMITATING JOHN WAYNE) Time to meet the next contestants." "Margaret Rutherford." "Amanda." "Amanda Thompson." "You come from Belfast and you work as a beauty consultant in a large store." " Yes." " In 1984 Amanda won the Northern Ireland heat in Miss Great Britain." "If I can get you to my dressing room, there'll be a different kind of heat." "You remind me of a film star" " Burl Ives." "You once worked as a police cadet, but you worked so hard you retired and never got arrest." "You keep fit on an exercise bike." "You say you can do five miles watching "Blankety Blank."" " That's right." " 15 if you've had a curry." "Jeff." "Jeff Lynn from Cardiff, married to Suzanne." "And you have two youngsters, Julie and Christian," " and you're a welder." " Yeah." "There's a family that sticks together." "Welding, by the way, is very good for women." "My sister used to be a welder and she lost a lot of weight." "She had acetylene hips." "You play badminton and you once took a shower not knowing that the swimming pool was full of people watching you-- well tell the audience what happened." "I'd finished a game of badminton and wanted a shower." "The only shower available was the one at the end of the changing room." "So I went there and soaped myself and everything." "Turned around to wash all the soap off and the whole of the swimming pool was looking." "Well people laugh at little things like that." "Ladies first, Amanda." ""Daley Thompson is really quick off the mark." "When he wakes up in the morning it only takes him 10 seconds to blank or blanks."" "Blank or blanks, right?" ""Daley Thompson is really quick off the mark." "When he wakes up in the morning it only takes him 10 seconds to blank or blanks."" "It's a tricky one." "I mean this show is easy." "There's nothing to it." "It is rubbish, but it's intellectual." "Just put down what you think is right." "Okay?" "Light your lights when you've-- Do something on it, will you?" " Write something." " It won't work." "Well try this one then, Vicki!" "Thank you, Les." "Just take your time." ""Daley Thompson is really quick off the mark." "When he wakes up in the morning it only takes him 10 seconds to blank or blanks."" "Eat breakfast." "Eat breakfast?" "Are you egging me on?" "Eat breakfast." "Richard?" " Sorry." " Shave." " (HONKS)" " I'll accept it as long as he shaves his breakfast." " Carmen, my beloved." " Dress." " (HONKS)" " Never mind, you look lovely like that." "I wonder what happened to miss Favisham?" " Guy?" " Alas." " (HONKS)" " I know, you must put what you think is right." "Even though it's wrong." "Vicki?" "(HONKS)" "You're forgiven." "Gorden?" " (HONKS)" " Shave." " Francesca?" " (BEEPS)" "(SPEAKS SPANISH)" "Well, there you are." "You see, that wasn't bad." "No, we've had worse." "But they haven't turned up." "Right, Jeff, "Our vet is very short-sighted." "When I took my Dalmatian to his surgery, he treated it for blank."" "Remember, the clue's in the question." "Think of a Dalmatian." ""Our vet is very short-sighted." "When I took my Dalmatian to his surgery, he treated it for blank."" "It's quite obvious." "It's self-explanatory if you analyse it." " Easy." " Of course it is." "All right?" "Lights on, please." ""Our vet is very short-sighted." "When I took my Dalmatian to his surgery, he treated it for blank."" " Spots." " Spots, of course it is." "Richard, we have spots." "Not doing too well today, are we?" " (HONKS)" " You old misery." "We're not giving the crown jewels away." "Honestly." "What a producer." "You and muffin the mule are a pair for each other." " Carmen?" " German measles." " (HONKS)" " Measles." "It's very good." "Don't-- put your card down." " Guy?" " (HONKS)" " Guy." " What have you got for me, miss Vicki?" " Here we have spots." " (BEEPS)" "Spots!" "You see?" "There we go!" " Gorden?" " Spots." "Well done." " Francesca." " Oh dear." " (HONKS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" " Bruises." " How do you come-- How'd he get bruises?" "He cut himself." "He's blind." " Doing what?" " (BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)" " Muy loco." " Si, muy loco." "Bruises?" "Where are we getting these from, a warehouse?" "That didn't go down too well, did it?" "Now let's see who's in the lead. (CHORTLES)" "Now, Amanda, you can match with everybody." "(ALL LAUGH)" ""'I'll swear my husband's playing snooker in his sleep,' moaned the professional's wife." "'When he woke up this morning, he even had chalk on his blank or blanks.'"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" ""'I'll swear my husband's playing snooker in his sleep,' bemoaned the professional's wife." "'When he woke up this morning, he even had chalk on his blank or blanks.'"" "Remember, snooker." "It has to be sad if you're late." "Well, if it was right, you would put it down." "Lights on, please." "Now take your time." "Just think about this." ""'I'll swear my husband's playing snooker in his sleep"" "moaned the professional's wife." "'When he woke up this morning, he even had chalk on his blank or blanks.'"" "Say what's in your heart, it's all right." " Toes." " Toes?" "!" "Yes!" "Toes." "What have you got then?" " Pockets." " (HONKS)" " Carmen?" " (BEEPS)" "Come on!" "Toes, you're right." " Guy?" " (HONKS)" "All right, what have you got for me, love?" " C-u-6 balls?" " (HONKS)" " Cue balls." " Cue balls." "That's exactly right." " Nose." " (HONKS)" " There we go." " (HONKS)" " (BEEPS)" " Well, that's it." "All right, Amanda." "Still, never mind, someone has to lose, unfortunately, so if you'll now come and join me, Jeff." "♪ Come on and Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety Blank. ♪" "You're a nice contestant and a lovely girl who's smashing all day." "You're not going away empty-handed." "You're going with our very good wishes, our felicitations." "You're also taking with you something that-- It can be prized." "You're taking away with you a "Blankety Blank" check book and pen!" "(CHEERING)" "♪ Come on and blankety blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Blankety Blank, Blankety Blank ♪" "♪ Supermatch game, Supermatch game ♪" "♪ Supermatch game, Supermatch game. ♪" "People don't realize, Jeffrey-- They don't realize what I'm going through at times." "They don't realize." "Well, it's Supermatch again." "Please reveal the legend." "Honey blank." "Now we can only have three of our celebrity panel to help you and assist you in this mammoth task." "Who would you like first?" " Guy Siner." " You like guy?" " Guy, honey..." " Bee." "Honey bee." "Yes, who else would you like?" " Vicki?" " Oh yeah." "Vicki Michelle, honey..." " Pot." " Honey pot." " Who else would you like?" " Gorden." " Gorden Kaye, honey..." " Comb." "Honey comb." "Three very good ones there." "Now, if you wish, you could have one of your own." " I'll take honey bee." " You're going for honey bee in that short Welsh accent." "I'll tell you something about Wales," "Every time I go there, they keep a welcome in the hillside." "They won't let me in the digs." "Oh, 'tis a beautiful accent it is, right." "Well, there we have Guy's bee, Vicki's pot and Gorden with comb." " Now you're going for..." " Honey bee." "You're going for the honey bee." " In the 50 blanks, we have... - (BEEPS)" "Suckle." "For the hundred blanks we have..." " (BEEPS)" " Pot." "Do you feel this emotion in the studio now?" "Even if he's walking out with crap." "Feel that excitement." "Well, for 150 blanks it is of course..." " (BEEPS)" " Honey bee!" "(CHEERING)" "Now you've got that personal compact disc player, right?" "It fits in an envelope in fact." "Now then, you go through now to the" "You could double this to a holiday in Paris because you have now won yourself through to the head-to-head, so you could double that prize." "Come over here now, Jeff." "Right, just take your time." "All right, now you can only have one of our panellists to help you." " Who would you like?" " Guy again, please." " You're going for Guy." " Guy again." "I thought you would." "I thought." "(CHUCKLES)" " I'll stand here until I get a titter. - (CROWD LAUGHS)" "So, you're in the hot seat, Guy." "Now if you match with what Guy writes" "You speak it-- and you've doubled it to a holiday in Paris, all you've got to do is find your own way there." "It's a super holiday, and don't drink too much, otherwise you'll be plastered in Paris and the south of France." "Kind of good stuff if you analyse it, right." " Are you ready, Guy?" " I'm ready." "Okay, garlic blank." "Garlic blank." "Nice check, isn't it?" "I mean, this is a sort of repeat question." "Garlic blank." "Have you got it down, Guy?" "Now let's see, for that that holiday in Paris, okay?" " I wish you well." "Garlic..." " Sausage." " Garlic sausage?" " (ALL GROANING)" "Garlic bread." "Well, never mind." "You're not going away empty-handed." "You're going to take with you that personal compact disc player." "And all you do is run around it with a needle." "You've also got your "Blankety blank" check book and pen." "It's been a wonderful night tonight." "I just feel really filled with everything." "I just can't thank the audience enough." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Despite everything, they've been great," "I have to say goodbye to a wonderful panel-- to Richard, Carmen, Guy, to Vicki, Gorden and Francesca, and especially to you, the studio audience, and the ladies and gentlemen at home and to our viewer in Cheltenham." "Good luck and look after yourself." 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