"Subtitles ripped by Worst" "Note 1 :" "Pile of dung in car park." "Re. pile of dung, who's is it?" "End of note." "Someone's been fly-tipping again, Carole." "It's not Carole, it's Linda." "Does the word 'dung' mean anything to you, Linda?" "Yes, it's the sound bells make, Mr Brittas, dung!" "Yes, but what is a huge great pile... where is Carole?" "She's on that self-assertion course." "I'm helping her out." "Of course!" "Self-assertion, excellent!" "That rather stimulating weekend in Nuneaton." "But today's Monday, why's she not here?" "She rang to say she's going to be late, and if you don't like it, tough." "Good, it's working." "She's asserting herself." "Investment in people." "That's what we're all about, Linda." "Oh, er, Councillor Drugget is in your office." " Yes, I know." " How?" "He's trod in manure and left a trail of footprints." "Get it cleared up, please." "Actually, I think you did that." "Well you'd better follow me with a damp cloth, hadn't you, Linda?" "I've made you a cup of coffee." " Thank you, Julie." " I wouldn't drink it, though." " Stop kicking!" " You're pregnant, aren't you?" "Oh, spotted that did you, councillor?" "Take any prize off the top shelf!" "You'll be wanting maternity leave?" "Get back in the knife drawer." "You're too sharp for life!" "Alright, Linda, don't over do it." "Go away!" "Morning, councillor!" "Come to sign on for the bungee jump?" "No, I haven't." "We've been getting complaints about these leaflets you keep putting through people's doors." "Crisp and very much to the point," ""Bungee Jumpers Do It On The Way Down!"" "Witty, Jack." "Vulgar, Gordon." "The council is not happy with Macho Max as sponsors." "Councillor, Macho Max is the nation's foremost suppliers of rugged equipment for the outdoor male." "Foul weather gear, survival clothing, proactive trousers..." "Half the users of this Leisure Centre are women!" "What's Macho Max got to do with them?" "Been thought of, councillor." "Macho Maggy!" "Survival clothing in pastel shades." "Little zip at the front, out pops an apron!" "An apron!" "Our women councillors will go beserk when they hear that!" "Do you realise how politically incorrect that is?" "Councillor, Macho Max offered the best deal." "They provide the bungee back-up, transport, insurance..." "Alright, it has to go ahead but no more publicity." "INTERCOM BUZZES Yes, Julie?" "Does he want another cup of coffee?" "I think we'll take that as a no." "Oh, welcome to Whitbury New Town..." "Ssh, ssh!" "Gavin, it's me!" "Oh, Mrs Brittas, you're a bit dressed up?" "No, no, I'm not, ignore this." "I had a fantastic idea just as I was cleaning out the kennel!" "I'm going into business!" "The franchise is up for the sauna solarium and I'm putting in a bid for it!" "Well, you'll need L10,000, you know?" "I know, I know, that's why I'm here." "Gavin, I need someone for a desperate criminal enterprise." "Who's the most daring, the most macho member of staff?" "Is it Tim?" "Colin?" "..." "Or you?" "I'd say Julie!" "Julie?" "But she's nine months pregnant!" "That doesn't worry her." "She's doing the bungee jump tomorrow!" "Ooh, well she's the girl for me then!" "Oh, damn." "Can you clean this up with a damp cloth or something?" "Tim, time for the meeting." "No, no, I'm staying up here." "You're shivering?" " A bit..." " You're dripping wet!" "You're sitting in a draught." " How long have you been here?" " Two hours..." " You'll get pneumonia." " I was planning on a chill..." "What are you doing?" "Come on, come down." "No!" "We've got a meeting, come down!" " What's this for?" " I'm not saying!" "It's the bungee tomorrow, isn't it?" "You don't want to do it." "No, I don't." "I've got to get myself a sick note." "If you don't want to jump, why don't you just say so?" "You don't have to make yourself ill." "I don't want Gavin to find out and you mustn't tell him!" "Of course I won't tell Gavin." "Gavin thinks I'm tough but the bungee jump scares me to death!" "You're going to die anyway if you get pneumonia." "I don't mind dying of something I'm not scared of." " Talk to Mr Brittas..." " No, don't tell anyone..." "Alright, but pull yourself together." "Be your usual self at the meeting or people will guess." "Alright..." "Morning, all!" "Still no sign of Carole?" "Oh, she rang to say she's listening to woman's hour first then she'll come in if she feels like it." "Good!" "She's being assertive, it's working!" "Now, Timothy." "What does this whistle say to you?" "Er... beep!" "No, not "beep"." "Listen..." "SILENCE" "No, I can't hear anything." "Precisely!" "You blow this when you're in your snow hole." "Only the St. Bernard's can hear it!" "You seek help without annoying human beings." "Another superb product from the exclusive Macho Max range!" "Now, for tomorrow's bungee jump, courtesy of Macho Max, we'll all be wearing top quality Macho Max T-shirts, showing a well-muscled male torso." "I'm not wearing one of those!" "Of course not, Linda!" "There's a female torso version as well." "Certainly not wearing one of those..." "Alright, you can wear the aluminium survival bag." "She'll look like a baked potato!" "Right, so at 1000 hours tomorrow morning, the bungee crane will be in position." "Who's gonna be first?" " Come one!" "Anyone?" " I'll be first, Mr Brittas." " I've done it before..." " Well done!" "then..." "Gavin!" " Oh, right..." " Right..." "And Tim, you'll be jumping, will you?" "Oh yes, absolutely." "Straight in and down, mate." "Good man!" "Right, to put you more fully in the picture," "Macho Max will be flying their advertising balloon above the Centre..." "Carole, you're back!" "How was the course?" "Don't bother me with your stupid questions, Brittas." "The public are waiting to come in and enjoy themselves." "Now why don't you stop all your yapping and get back to work!" "DOOR SLAMS" "That's what I want." "A receptionist with attitude!" "The new, assertive Carole." "She said you were stupid, Mr Brittas..." "Yes, she did, but remember, Gavin," ""Management accepts new ideas and criticisms"." "MANIAC" "When you see me doing managing, think "MANIAC"!" "We do, Mr Brittas, we do." "Right, end of meeting!" "Urgh!" "What's that horrible smell?" "I'm sorry I'm late, Mr Brittas." "Colin, is that manure?" "Now how did you know that?" " Is it yours?" " Oh no, it's elephant's." "Where's it come from, Colin?" "From the back ends of elephants, Mr Brittas." "I've got nine cubic yards of the stuff in the car park." "Colin, it's a health risk." "Put it back where it came from." "The elephants won't like that, Mr Brittas." "Colin, it's being trodden into my Leisure Centre, what have you got it here for anyway?" "I'm sorry, Mr Brittas, but that is a personal matter and I reserve to myself the right of silence." "Get rid of it, please!" "Right, end of meeting." "Er..." "AOB, Mr Brittas." "Oh yes, any other business?" "Yes!" "There's another load arriving at dinnertime." "Julie?" "Ssh!" "I'm playing it classical music to give it good taste." "Oh, how lovely!" "Bach?" "Mozart?" "Elvis!" "Yes..." "Julie, I want you to help me do a burglary." "Can we do Mothercare?" "There's this nursing bra to die for!" "No, not Mothercare, here, at the Centre!" "Here?" "what's there to nick here?" "This coat." "Oh, the coat... you've got it, why do you wanna nick it?" "INTERCOM BUZZES" "BRITTAS:" "Julie, bring me the ping-pong ball register, please." "I'm exercising me pelvic floor!" "BRITTAS:" "I'll come and get it myself then!" "Not a word to Gordon." "I'll see you in Colin's room in 5." "Ping-pong balls?" "Just where do you think you're going?" "Oh, just to have a little swim..." "I don't think so." "Just look at those shoes!" "It's from outside." "It's all over the car park!" "Yes, well you can go right back out there with it!" "Go on, out!" "Out!" "BEN MOANS" "Oh, be quiet, Ben." "We'll have our quality time later." "Carole, can I book the sauna, please?" "Yes, just after you've cleaned up that mess!" "I'm not a cleaner, I'm an attendant!" "Well maybe you'd like to attend to it with a dustpan and brush?" " No way!" " Don't push it!" "Oh god, I hope I can keep this up..." "Oh, I wasn't expecting you." "Come in, Julie." "Oh, it's a bit pongy in here." "Is it?" "I'll get the Airwick out then." "Do you know, I've had this bottle since 1977 and it's still effective." "You don't mind if I get on, do you?" "No, what are you doing?" "I'm going through this lot with a fine toothcomb." "Right... there's something I wanted to ask you, a favour." "For you Julie, anything." "Colin, you know I got rid of my boyfriend, well I was wondering..." "I'm sorry, Julie." "I do appreciate that it's a leap year but I am afraid I can't marry you, I'm already spoken for." "No, not marry me!" "I mean, would you like to be my baby's Godfather?" "That is the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me  in my whole life." "Is it?" "Not been much of a life then, Colin." "I will be honoured to be his Godfather..." "Or if it's a girl, Godmother." "Oh, ta!" "I'd give you a kiss but I can't find an appetising place." "So, you're spoken for, you say?" "I have proposed to and been accepted by Mrs Harcourt." "Mrs?" "Is she married?" "She maybe Julie, she didn't say and it's not my place to ask." "She said yes, and I know why!" "I popped the question in the most romantic place..." "Venice, in a gondola, in the moonlight?" "At the zoo, right by the elephant house." "Picture this: in my hand, the antique diamond engagement ring that belonged to my granny." "I kneel down in front of Edwina, Mrs Harcourt," "I reach out my hand and at that moment, the elephant's trunk comes through the bars, takes the ring and eats it!" "Oh, Colin..." "Naturally Mrs Harcourt wont marry me until I find it." "The trouble is, I didn't know which animal it was." "I've had to purchase everything those 5 elephants have done in the bathroom for the last 3 days!" "Somewhere in here is that ring, my passport to happiness." "Oh, it's elephants doings!" "Julie, keep your eye on that lot, keen gardeners will stoop to anything..." "Hello Mrs Brittas, is it cold out?" "You make yourselves at home." "Julie, put the kettle on." "Hmm, what a nice smell!" "Oh, it's horrible in here." "Oh, I've just come down from the changing rooms, this place is like a breath of fresh air." "Where did you get that coat from, Mrs Brittas?" "My mother gave it to me, it's insured for L5000, which is half what I need for the sauna/solarium, so it would be very convenient if it got stolen." "I would wait for a burglar but, well, criminals, they can't be trusted, can they?" "So you want me to come round to your house and steal it?" "No, no, we will steal it together, and it's got to be from here because we are not insured at home at the moment, not after the second explosion." "It's got to be taken from a locked cupboard in order to get the insurance money..." "This cupboard would be ideal!" "Of course I need a signed receipt." "Oh, I can get you one of those from Mr Brittas." "Choose your moment and he'll sign anything." "Great!" "What a lovely, cosy-looking nightie!" "I've got my nightie on!" "How am I going to get home?" "I can take you home in the back of the van," "I'll put some newspapers down." "No thank you, Colin." "No one will notice if I run fast enough." "Tim?" "Tim!" "JULIE:" "Tim, what are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "TIM:" "No, no, let me go!" "You are going to kill yourself, you're half-cooked!" "Yes, yes, but what does the thermometer say?" " Is it over 100?" " It says 1 28!" "Ah well, there you are you see!" "I'm not well, I'm ill," "I'm feverish, I should go home and stay in bed for a week!" "You've got to tell Mr Brittas if you don't want to jump." "No, because he'll tell Gavin, and Gavin is so tough he'll just have complete contempt for me, he'll never talk to me again!" "Do you know, Gavin's got friends in the SAS, and they bungee jump all day, just to go downstairs, and that's the sort of man Gavin likes, that's the sort of man Gavin is..." "I'm sorry Mr Brittas but I can't do it!" "I can't face this bungee jump thing!" "Of course you can, Gavin!" "No I can't, Mr Brittas!" "I suffer from vertigo." "I have this terrible fear that I'm going to fall, then I get this horrible urge to throw myself off!" "Well done, Gavin!" "That's the whole point of bungee jumping." "Keep that, we'll build on it." "I've got a doctor's certificate!" "Well you can wave it on the way down, and on the way back up again, and on the way back down again." "Alright, I'll tell you the truth, I'm terrified." "Tim may never speak to me again, but I'm terrified!" "I don't wanna die!" "Gavin, Gavin, Gavin." "Since I've been manager of this Centre," "I'm very proud to say there have only been 23 deaths... and not one of them was a staff member." "INTERCOM BUZZES" "JULIE:" "Detective Inspector Thompson on line one." "Thank you, Julie." "Excuse me, Gavin." "Brittas!" "Hello Inspector." "Running down the High Street dressed only in her nightie?" "Well it could be my wife, yes." "Abusive and violent?" "Alright, you win." "Well look, you know the address, and once she is safely home, if you could lock the door, please?" "Thanks, bye, bye." "Gavin..." "I'll get to the top of that crane thing and I'll wet myself!" "In front of everyone, television are gonna be there!" "I want to talk to you in private." "About Tim, it's urgent." "Not now, Linda." "You said your door was always open." "It is, so go out of it!" " I'm not going." " What's this about Tim?" "I'm not saying." "Councillor Drugget's come back and he's dead mad!" "Well tell him to make an appointment please Julie." "Gordon, 8 men in camouflage smocks, spelling out the words," "'Macho Max', have abseiled down the front of the Civic Centre." "I tell a lie, 7, one fell off watching a mad woman in her nightie." "I suspect you're at the bottom of all this, get on the phone to this awful company and tell them..." " Councillor..." " Sign this." "I hear what you're saying..." "These 'Macho' people are a private army." "Now listen, all of you!" "This Centre is a financial disgrace." "Entirely due to this Centre, we have had to set the highest council rate in the country, twice Liverpool's!" "I give you permission to seek your own sponsorship, you come up with your own ideas and what hap..." "Where are they all going?" "Sorry councillor..." "Nice speech, bad timing." "Fire drill, every day, 1 1 o'clock." "Coffee in the car park, watch where you tread." "FIRE BELL RINGS" "We'll just sit here a second and make sure the coast's clear." "Did you bring something to open the cupboard door?" "I found one of these in the bathroom." "Bathroom?" "The mind boggles." "And I brought a brick to break a window with." "And a spare brick in case there's double glazing." "It's all quiet." "It's Colin!" "Still doing his muck spreading." "Hello Julie, hello Mrs Brittas." "Colin, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!" "The best time for disposal, Julie." "Everybody's tucked safely up in bed, you see." "I've manured 1 7 gardens already!" "Just think how pleased they will be when they wake up in the morning and find the manure fairy's been." "Why don't you just chuck it away, Colin?" "It's too good for that, elephant's is best!" "What are you doing here at this time?" "Well apparently there's an eclipse of the moon tonight, er..." "Patrick Moore said, so Julie and I have just been driving around trying to find the best place to watch it from." "I can't see any moon." "Oh well, this is the place then." "Brilliant!" "Right, I'll leave you to it." "I've got one more border to do at number 29 The Grove, and then it's my big challenge..." "Number 30 has got window boxes, on the first floor." "Ooh mind where you tread, it's everywhere!" "I'm not going to Africa if it's like this underfoot." "Oh, here we are!" "Oh thank goodness it's not been stolen!" "Right, so what do we do with it now?" "Oh, I hadn't thought of that..." "Put it in the boiler." "Oh, the boiler, but it's a really nice coat." "Look, I'll tell you what, we won't burn it," "I'll take it, no one'll suspect me." "But they'll see you wearing it..." " Oh, I wont wear it." " What's the use in it then?" "The baby can be photographed on it like a bearskin rug." "But they'll see the photos." "No, it's got to be burnt." "I need the money, franchises cost money!" "Animals gave their life for this coat!" "They were lemmings, they were only going to throw themselves off a cliff!" "Oh!" "I fell right in it!" "Oh, I'm sorry, are you alright?" "Yeah, I'm alright..." "Oh my god!" " What?" " Somethings happened!" " I think I've started!" " Started?" "You can't give birth now, we're in the middle of a burglary!" "My bag's at home, I forgot to get some soap," "I've got to go and get some soap and talcum powder." "No, not now, the shops aren't open." "Look, sit yourself down, this isn't going to happen at once." "Mr Abdullah said if I got to the clinic in good time," "I could have my baby in the pool." "I want my baby in the pool!" "Ooh, but it's full of chlorine." "Not this one, the one at the clinic!" "I've got to get to the clinic..." "No, no, now stay still and calm down, then I'll take you to the hospital." "Oh, oh, it's too late, it's contractions!" "How often are they coming?" "How do I know?" "I've only had the one!" "Well, can you hurry up a bit before Colin gets back?" "I'll have my baby in my own good time, thank you very much!" "You don't want it born with a criminal record." "Oh!" "It's another one..." "Oh, oh!" "Look sit down, lie down, on my coat, yes." "Oh I don't want to mess your coat up." "Oh just now we were gonna burn it." "Oh, oh, two contractions at once!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Shhh!" "Shhh!" "What am i saying 'shhh' for?" "We haven't done anything wrong, we just happened to be watching the eclipse of the moon, when you started having a baby." "It must happen all the time..." "What's wrong with the phones?" "Oh, they're switched off at night." "Oh my god." "I could..." "Oh no, I can't!" "I never thought I'd say this, but I wish Gordon was here..." "This is a citizens arrest!" " Helen?" " What are you doing here?" "I might ask you the same question, my darling." "I thought you was beside me in bed." "Oh, I did the old trick with the pillow!" "I thought you were a bit unresponsive..." "Then I got a phone call to say they'd found one of the Leisure Centre ladders in the garden of No.30, with a smear of manure down the house wall above it." "Colin!" "Definitely one of our ladders, make a note, please Julie." "Oh, I'm having a baby!" "You've been saying that for nearly 9 months, Julie." "Well I'm saying it again!" "Then, I follow the trail of manure to this very building and I find you here, Helen." "Now look, I know you're a troubled woman, but writing rude messages on walls with manure is not the answer." "Gordon, Julie is giving birth." " Ooh!" " Right, leave it to me!" "Has it started dilating yet, Julie?" "I'm not telling you, you pie-faced git!" "I know you are under a lot of strain, but a simple yes or no would suffice." "Yes you great pudding!" "Right, now, time for action!" "Let me hereby inform you of your rights." " You're not arresting her?" " No..." "I'm informing her of her rights as a Euro mother." "Now, you should of applied for your maternity grant a week before your confinement..." "Do something!" "She's having a baby and the phones don't work!" "You are the expert when it comes to child birth, my sweet." "Well, you were there..." "Only in an advisory capacity, you were in the driving seat." "Never mind your bloody memoirs!" "Have you got your mobile?" "Phone the hospital!" "I'll call 999..." "Gordon, please, not the police!" "Hello?" "Ambulance please..." "Hello, my name is..." "Don't say Brittas!" "They wont send anyone!" "Hello, my name is Philpot, can we have an ambulance round at Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre please?" " Hello?" "Hello?" " I told ya..." "It's the reception." "Hello?" "Hello?" "This is Helen Brittas." "Hello?" "I can't here a damn thing." "It might be better somewhere else." "Ooh, ooh, it's coming!" "Ooh..." "No it isn't and that's an order, Julie!" "It isn't..." "Thank you." "Ah, I'm sorry I'm early, Mr Brittas." "It's alright, Colin, everyone's early, especially Julie." " What's wrong with your leg?" " Nothing." "You're limping." "I had a bit of an accident, er," "I was watching the eclipse, yes, that's it, and I climbed up a ladder to get nearer the moon and I fell off!" "You are the phantom manure spreader of Whitbury!" "And I'm Jeremy Beadle, this is a crisis!" "If it's a crisis I'll get the kettle on and we'll have..." "She's having a baby!" "In that case I'll get two kettles on!" "COLIN:" "You're in safe hands now!" "You will wash them first, wont you?" "Yes, both of them..." "I was reading in the paper, they don't use forceps anymore, they use suction on the baby's head." "I thought we might have a go with one of these." "Argh!" "Don't let him near me!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Oh, damn..." "Who's that?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Stop!" "Stop!" "It's me, Carole." "You're interrupting my schedule." "But it's ten past three in the morning!" "It's my new fitness regime, 100 lengths before sunrise," "I'm sponsoring myself and saving up for a Harley Davidson." "Oh!" "Erm, Julie's having her baby in the basement." "Ah, now that's a good idea!" "Who's sponsoring her?" "Just let me get my towel..." "I want me mum!" "Of course you do, Julie." "I think we could offer her a free entrance to the Centre." "Shut up!" "Just do something!" "It's alright Julie, I'm here!" "CAROLE:" "Start your breathing." "They taught you at ante natal?" "Good." "You, get scrubbed up!" " But I'm clean!" " Not clean enough." "Mrs B, over there..." "Hold her head, with a damp flannel at the ready!" "Colin, stoke the boiler, it's freezing in here." "Thank god someone's in charge!" "Now mother, we're gonna time your contractions, did they give you a song?" " Three blind mice." " Good, well let's here it then." " Three blind mice..." " ALL:" "Three blind mice..." "Good!" "ALL:" "See how they run, see how they run," "ALL: they all run after the farmer's wife..." "Breathe... breathe... breathe..." "ALL:" "They cut off their tails with a carving knife..." "ALL:" "The three blind mice." "NEWBORN BABY CRIES" "She came at dawn." "I think I'll call her Dawn." "Julie, she's a little boy..." "Ive always wanted a boy... or a girl." "What you gonna call him now he's a him?" "Oh, that's easy, he's going to be Gordon Colin." "Because Mr Brittas helped to deliver him, and Colin kept him warm." "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me since the last nicest thing anyone's ever said to me." "I'm honoured Julie, but the credit has to go to Carole, she asserted herself." "No, no." "Carole, a receptionist beyond the call of duty who took charge in no uncertain manner." "I know I did, but I don't know how Mr Brittas, because it's all gone, my assertiveness." "I think it was the baby coming, you've wasted all your money on that training," "I'm sorry Mr Brittas, I can't keep it up, I'm just me." "We prefer you as you, Carole." "We'll dock the assertiveness course fee from your wages." "That seems very fair, Mr Brittas." "Fried bread, anyone?" "No charge today." "Here's my L1 , and here's my sister's 75p, because on the bus her..." "No, there's no charge today." "Do you mind if it's all in..." "I said there's no charge today, now go and enjoy yourself!" "Oh, it's still there." "Right, can I have your attention one and all?" "I've just had word that the bungee gantry is now in position so we can move to the main business of the day:" "bungee jumping, courtesy of our sponsors, Macho Max!" "CHEERING" "Right, now first to jump will be Linda Perkins!" "I'm ready, Mr Brittas!" "Followed by my second in command, Gavin Featherly!" "Then it will be Tim Whistler, and then, my lovely wife Helen, has consented to join me in a dramatic occasion, what is known in bungee jumping circles as a BJ double header!" "Not now my darling..." "If you would now like to move to the bungee jumping area, quick as you can, please." " You're shivering..." " So are you!" "GAVIN:" "Well I'm cold." " I don't want to jump." " Nor do I!" "What, you mean you don't wanna jump either?" "I'm terrified!" "You never told me that!" "I'm terrified as well, but I thought you'd think I was a wimp, as you've got friends in the SAS." "I do, Scandinavian Airways, it's their school." " Then I don't have to jump!" " If you're not, I'm not!" "Well, I'm not jumping either..." "Hey!" "Argh..." "Ladies and gentlemen, may I say how glad I am about the wonderful turnout of... 23, don't tie me on yet, I'm not jumping till later, alright?" "Argh!" "CROWD:" "Behind you!" " What?" " CROWD:" "Behind you!" "Heil Brittas?" "No, no, no, no!" "I'm just a normal human being like you are." "What, what,....." "Gordon!" "SCREAMS" "Colin, I thought I told you to move this pile?" "Thank heavens I didn't, Mr Brittas." "I'm so sorry, Gordon." "It's alright my darling, it's not your fault." "I think I've just swallowed something hard and round." "My engagement ring, Mr Brittas." "You've found it!" "Oh, thank you!" "Save your thanks, Colin." "You're gonna have to wait a few more days yet..." "TITLE MUSIC"