"The golden age of ballooning can be said to begin in 1783..." "When the montgolfier brothers made their first ascent" "In a fire balloon." "On the eve of that..." "Oh, come on." "Momentous ascent" "The brothers took one last look at their craft" "As it stood on the fields of annecy." "This is a great moment for us, joseph." "It is a great moment for france." "Ah, oui." "The first ascent in a hot air balloon" "By the montgolfier brothers, 1783." "I can see us now" "Just after "montesquieu" and just before "mozart."" "I think I'll go and wash." "Good luck." "It's quite easy, really." "I just slap a little water on my face..." "No, no, no." "Good luck for tomorrow." "Oh, I see, yes." "You, too." "Yours has been the work." "Let us hope for a safe ascent." "And don't use my flannel." "You know, when you showed me the plans in paris" "I could not believe that we should be" "The first men who would fly." "Yes, it's wonderful." "I'm so excited, I could hardly wash." "Yes, i, too, have had some difficulty washing" "These past few days." "Still, what is washing when we are on the verge" "Of a great scientific breakthrough?" "Jacques..." "Yes, joseph?" "I've not been washing very thoroughly" "For many years now." "What do you mean?" "You must have been washing your face." "Oh, yes, my face." "I wash my face." "But my legs, my stomach, my chest-- they're filthy." "Well..." "I don't wash my stomach every day." "Ah, but you wash far more than me." "You are the cleaner of the montgolfier brothers." "This is nothing, joseph." "Monsieur montgolfier" "A mr. parfitt to see you, sir." "No, no, no, bartlett." "A mr. barklit to see you, sir." "No, bartlett, with a "t."" "A mister..." "Barr-at-elett to see you, sir." "Bartlett." "Barkit." "Bartlett." "Barlit... bartlett." "A mr. bartlett to see you, sir." "I don't want to see anyone, o'toole." "Tell him to go away." "Thank you, sir." "Well, it's getting late." "I must go and have a wash." "What will you be washing?" "Oh, just my face and neck." "Perhaps my feet and possibly... but no!" "Lock up the plans, joseph." "Tomorrow, they will make us the toast of france." "The first ascent by the montgolfier brothers" "In a balloon" "Just after "ballcock" and just before "bang."" "What a position." "So on june 7, 1783" "The montgolfier brothers had a really good wash." "Starting on his face and arms" "Joseph michael montgolfier went on to scrub his torso" "His legs and his naughty bits, before rinsing his whole body." "That june night, he and his brother between them" "Washed 17 square feet of body area." "They used a kilo and a half of carbolic soap" "And nearly 14 gallons of nice hot water." "It was indeed an impressive sight." "Next week on the golden age of ballooning" "We examine the work of glaisher and coxwell" "The english balloonists" "Who ascended to a height of seven miles in 1862" "Without washing." "There's also a book called the golden age of ballooning" "Published by the bbc to coincide with the series." "It's in an attractive hand-tooled binding" "Is priced five pounds" "And failure to buy it will make you liable" "To a 50 fine or three months in prison." "There's also a record of someone reading the book" "Ofthe golden age of ballooning" "A crochet-work bedspread" "With the words "the golden age of ballooning" on it" "Available from the bbc, price 18" "Or five months' imprisonment" "And matching toilet seat covers and courtesy mats" "With illustrations of many of the balloons mentioned." "Also available is a life-size model frog" "Which croaks the words "golden age of ballooning"" "And an attractive bakelite case" "For storing motorway construction plans in" "Made in the shape of a balloon." "And now, another chance to see episode two" "Of the award-winning series the golden age of ballooning." "Oh, joseph..." "All you think about is balloons." "All you talk about is balloons." "Your beautiful house is" "Full of bits and pieces of balloons." "Your books are all about balloons." "Every time you sing a song" "It is in some way obliquely connected with balloons." "Everything you eat" "Has to have the word "balloon"" "Incorporated in the title." "Your dogs are all called balloono." "You tie balloons to your ankles in the evenings." "I don't do that." "Well, no, you don't do that" "But you do duck down and shout, "hey, balloons!"" "When there are none about." "Your whole life is becoming" "Obsessively balloonic, you know." "Why do I have to hang" "From this bloody gas bag all day?" "Don't I mean anything to you?" "Oh, ma cherie, you mean more to me" "Than any heavier-than-air dirigible..." "Oh, there you go again!" "Don't waggle!" "I've run your bath for you, joseph." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I didn't realize..." "It's all right." "We've done the difficult bit." "Well, don't forget" "We have our special guest coming this evening." "Oh?" "Don't tell me you've forgotten already." "The man who is giving us thousands of francs" "For experiments." "What man?" "Louis xiv." "Isn't he dead?" "Evidently not." "All right, I'll be round." "Oh... and, joseph?" "Yes, jacques." "You will... wash, won't you?" "Yes, of course." "His royal majesty, louis xiv of france." "And mr. bartlett." "Your majesty, it is a great privilege." "Welcome to our humble abode." "It's, uh... very nice to be here." "O'toole..." "Sir?" "A claret for his majesty, please." "There's a mr. bartlett outside again, sir." "Not now, I can't see him." "We have the king of france here." "Yes, sir." "Your majesty, you've had a pleasant journey, I trust?" "Yes, yes, oh, definitely, yes, yes." "Oh, aye... aye." "You have come from paris?" "Where?" "From paris-- you have traveled from paris?" "Oh, yes, yes, we've come from... from paris, yes." "Oh, yes." "Yes, we've just come from..." "yeah, yeah, paris, yes." "Sir?" "Yes, o'toole." "Which one is the claret, sir?" "The claret is in the decanter." "The wooden thing?" "No, no, the glass thing." "The glass decanter with the round glass stopper." "Oh, yes, behind the door." "No, no... on the sideboard." "The sideboard?" "The sideboard, yes." "Look, you go into the salle a manger" "The dining room, right?" "And the sideboard's on your left by the wall." "Beside the master's portrait." "Ah!" "above the mirror, sir." "No, no, no, no, the mirror's on the other side." "It's opposite the mirror." "But that's the table, sir." "No, you don't go as far as the table..." "You go into the room, right?" "On your right is the door to the orangery" "Straight ahead of you is the door to the library" "And to your left is the sideboard." "Ah, yes, I see, sir." "And the claret is on top of the sideboard, to the left." "On the left." "Yes." "As one looks at it, sir?" "Yes." "I see, sir-- thank you." "O'toole." "Yes, sir?" "Will you please tell monsieur joseph" "Our guest is here?" "Yes, sir." "I'm sorry about that, your majesty." "Apparently, sir, there is a plan" "To build a canal between the two egyptian towns..." "Not now, o'toole." "Well, eh... mr. montgolfier" "Let's not beat around the bush." "My dukes and I are very busy men." "What we'd like to do is see the plans" "Of your proposed balloon if that's at all possible." "Certainly, your majesty." "I have them here ready prepared." "Oh, great, hen." "What we'd like to do is take these back wi' us" "For the royal archives of, er..." "France." "France, aye." "Well, it is indeed a great honor, your majesty" "That I cannot refuse." "Right, okay, let's get 'em." "Just a moment!" "Joseph!" "That man is not louis xiv." "Joseph, are you out of your mind?" "I've been looking it up in my bath." "Louis xiv died in 1717." "It's now 1783." "Answer me that." "Did I say louis xiv?" "I'm sorry, I meant louis xv, louis xv." "He died in 1774." "All right, louis xvi." "Listen to me, smartarse." "When you're king of france, you've got better things to do" "Than go around all day remembering your bloody number." "Do you want to argue about numbers?" "No, no." "Well, let's get hold of these plans" "For the royal archives." "We've got to get back to, er..." "Paris." "Paris by tonight, so come on, get a move." "I got as far as the sideboard, sir." "Hey, stop them!" "stop them!" "No news on the canal, I'm afraid, sir" "But apparently in india" "They're thinking of building a railway" "Between the towns of lahore..." "Will louis xiv get away" "With the montgolfiers' precious plans?" "Is 16 years of work" "To be stolen by this suspect sovereign?" "Is france really in the grip of a glaswegian monarch?" "Watch next week's episode of the golden age of ballooning." "Now..." "So now that the government has collapsed" "And shown itself incapable" "Of providing any kind of unifying force" "I feel that we do need the kind of stability" "And the breathing space" "That a military presence would provide." "Lord interest." "Yes, I agree the army should take over" "But I think it should not interfere with the program" "Of street executions" "Which I feel have been the shot in the arm" "That the british economy so desperately needed." "Yes, the montgolfier brothers' plans did indeed turn up" "Six months later, and a long way from paris" "At the court of king george iii of england." ""titty was very worried." ""where could mary be?" ""he looked everywhere" ""under the stones and behind the bushes." ""and mr. squirrel helped him by looking up in the trees." "And mr. badger helped him by looking under the ground..."" "And so, your majesty, we the commons" "Do herein crave and beseech that..." "Your majesty, louis xviii is here." "Who is louis xviii?" "He's the king of france, your majesty." "And this is a great moment to have, sir." "There is no louis xviii." "Psst." "...tell him it's louis xvii." "He craves your majesty's pardon." "He has had a long journey here and miscounted." "He is louis xvii." "Louis xvi is dead already?" "Your majesty, I'm louis xvi." "Oh, christ." "Your majesty, I'm louis xvi" "As you so rightly say" "And I don't want to muck about." "I've got a wee proposition" "Which could make the name of george iv" "The most respected in europe." "George iii." "George iii, sorry." "Where can we talk?" "Did you see that?" "We shall have a state banquet at st. james's palace." "No, I don't want to hang about." "Take it or leave it, you know." "I've got to get back to, er..." "Paris." "Paris by tonight, you know." "Must you leave us, louis?" "I'd rather just sell the plans and nip off, georgie boy." "Well, all right, we shall buy the plans" "If you will undertake" "To disengage your troops in america." "Do what?" "And I shall give you funt10,000 for the plans." "funt10,000!" "Right, all right." "We'll disengage the, um..." "You know, what you said." "We'll disengage 'em." "I'll tell you what, hen." "I'll put a duke onto it, okay?" "Right." "That's the worst thing you can do to anybody." "You asked for it, sonny." "You could have broke my bloody nose." "I'll break your..." "North!" "please!" "You saw it." "It was right on the bone." "North, will you send for the duke of portland?" "We have a financial matter to discuss." "Well, it really hurt." "No, look here, I think it's better" "If you give the money to us" "You know, we're going back." "We've got a bag." "No, don't worry, louis." "We shall talk to your monsieur necker." "Well, actually, we'd rather you didn't, you know." "We've been having a wee bit of trouble with him recently" "You know what I mean?" "Monsieur necker?" "The man who introduced so many valuable reforms" "And proved so popular" "Despite his opposition" "To mirabeau's policy of issuing "assignats"?" "Aye, yeah." "But the trouble is, he's been drinking a bit recently." "You know, 14 lagers wi' his breakfast" "That sort of thing." "Well, very well, louis." "Just a moment!" "Oh, christ!" "What are you doing?" "I am joseph montgolfier" "The inventor of the fire balloon." "The man before you" "Is an impostor." "Oh, no, I am not, honestly." "No, no, no, not you, your majesty." "This man." "This louis the so-called king of france man." "What number did he give you this time?" "Louis xxiii?" "I got it right." "Yeah, I bet you took a few guesses." "Listen, you spotty sassenach pillock." "Your majesty, the ronettes are here." "And mr. bartlett." "George iii" "Oh, yeah!" "George iii" "George iii" "George iii" "George iii" "George iii..." "Oh, dear, I'm not supposed to go mad until 1800." "George iii" "George iii" "George iii" "George iii" "George iii" "George iii..." "Joseph has been gone for six months now." "We have heard nothing." "He can look after himself." "Oh, but he had only on a towel, you know." "Antoinette" "From now on, there is only one montgolfier brother." "But louis xiv has the plans." "Oh, you must wait until joseph returns." "The plans are here, cherie." "Let me put my tongue in your mouth." "What do you mean?" "Well, we're supposed to be french, aren't we?" "No, no, no." "I mean, what are the plans" "Which joseph after is chasing?" "Please, let me put it in a little way." "Oh, jacques, ze plans!" "I take it out if you don't like it." "Are you sure" "The claret was on the left of the sideboard, sir?" "Yes, o'toole, it's always been there." "Well, I'll look for one more month, sir." "Please let me put it..." "By the way, sir, mr. bartlett has gone, sir." "He said he couldn't wait any longer." "Thank you, o'toole." "Not at all, sir, I've enjoyed being in it." "Right." "Thank you, sir..." "mam'selle." "By the way, sir" "Mr. bartlett has gone, sir." "He said he couldn't wait any longer, sir." "Thank you, o'toole." "Not at all, sir." "I've enjoyed being in it." "Right." "Thank you, sir..." "mam'selle." "More!" "more!" "more!" ""george iii" was arranged and composed by neil innes." "He is available from the bbc" "Price four pounds or eight months' imprisonment." "That was episode three of the golden age of ballooning." "May I remind you that there's still time" "To get your golden age of ballooning suppositories" "Direct from the bbc, price 4.50 or 19 for a set of six." "Well, in a moment, the bbc will be closing down for the night." "But first, here is a party political broadcast" "On behalf of the norwegian party." "Highlights of that broadcast will be discussed later" "By lord george-brown, ex-foreign secretary;" "Mr. sven olafson, the ex- norwegian minister of finance;" "Sir charles ollendorff" "Ex-chairman of the norwegian trades council;" "Mr. hamish mclavell, the mayor of wick" "The nearest large town to norway;" "Mrs. betty norday" "Whose name sounds remarkably like "norway";" "Mr. brian waynor, whose name is an anagram of "norway";" "Mr. and mrs. ford, whose name sounds like "fjord"" "Of which there are a lot in norway;" "Ron and christine boslo..." "Ferdinand von zeppelin was born in constance in 1838" "The brother of barry zeppelin" "The least talented of the 14 zeppelin brothers." "Meanwhile, for ferdinand von zeppelin" "The year 1908 was a year of triumph." "Herr zeppelin, it's vonderful!" "It's put ballooning right back on ze map." "It's not a balloon, do you hear?" "!" "It's not a balloon, it's an airship!" "An airship, do you hear?" "Well, it's very nice, anyway." "Tell me, what is" "The principle of these balloons?" "It's not a balloon" "You stupid, thick-headed saxon git!" "It's not a balloon!" "Balloons is for kiddy-winkies." "If you want to play with balloons, get outside." ""yorkshire pudding..." "A type of thick pancake, eaten with large..."" "I hear you are to name the balloon after bismarck." ""bismarck"?" "of course I'm not calling it after bismarck." "It's a "zeppelin."" "It's nothing to do with bloody bismarck!" "Surely he gave you some money for it?" "Get outside!" ""za... bag..." "lione..." "A sort of cream mouse..." "mousse of italian origin."" "Ferdinand, that was a minister of state" "You just threw out of the balloon." "It's not a balloon!" "It's an airship!" "All right, I'm sorry." "All right, go and have a look." "No, I'm fine here, thank you." ""zucchini..." "italian marrows..."" ""zingara... a garnish of finely chopped" "Or shredded lean ham..."" ""tongue..."" ""mushrooms and truffles."" ""zakuski, a russian hors d'oeuvre, served..."" ""with tiny pieces of sliced..."" "Oh, look, it's the chancellor!" "What?" "prince von bulow?" "here?" "Ja!" "Coming here?" "No, he is here." "Oh, I must go and put my old uniform on." "He won't notice, helmut." "He's dead." "Dead?" "Here?" "Ja, in our sitting room." "This is our sitting room, dear." "Ja, well, you know what I mean." "The drawing room." "Ja, well, it's a kind of sitting room." "Well..." "Look!" "Which one is von bulow?" "Here, look!" "Oh, ja!" "Oh, und admiral tirpitz!" "Oh, ja, ja!" "And von muller and herr reichner..." "Oh, ja!" "And hollweg and von graunberg..." "That is not graunberg." "Das ist graunberg." "Das ist moltke." "Oh, ja!" "He's a lot older than I thought." "He's a clever man, ja." "And zimmermann..." "and... and kimpte." "Oh, kimpte, ja." "What shall we do, helmut?" "We must ring the government." "This is the government, helmut." "Oh, dear!" "It is a great honor to have so many members of the government" "Dead in our sitting room." "Drawing room." "Ja, well..." "No members of the government are dead in our sitting room." "Ja, you know what I mean." "Well..." "Perhaps I should make" "A little speech, or something." "No, not a speech, helmut, no." "Shall we make them a cup of tea?" "It would be a waste of tea." "But we must do something." "So many important people in our drawing room" "We must do something!" "We could sort them out." "And make a little list." "Ja, ja, ja." "Good, we could put the ministers for internal affairs" "Over against the wall" "And for those for internal, here by the clock." "And we can sort them out alphabetically?" "Nein, nein, nein." "We just put the cleanest by the door." "Here we are." "No, no, no, that is..." "that's von bulow." "He must go over here." "But that is my reading chair." "He is the reich chancellor of germany, helmut." "All right, all right" "But I think he would have been better" "Up against the clock, you know." "No, he would not look nice under the clock." "I did not say under the clock" "I said against the clock." "Well, then we could not see the clock!" "We put the minister for the colonies under the clock." "He's small." "No, the colonies are internal affairs." "He must go against the wall!" "Education." "Ah!" "Soon we'll be able to make a list." "Oh, ja, ja." "Wait a minute." "Who's that by the cat litter?" "I don't know!" "I've never seen him before!" "He is not a member of the government." "Get him out of here." "Put him in the drawing room." "He's in the drawing room, my dear." "Ja, well, you know what I mean." "Put him in the sitting room." "You can put him in the sitting room" "If he's in the drawing room." "Count ferdinand von zeppelin's behavior" "On that flight in 1900" "Had incredible, far-reaching consequences" "For one of the fallen ministers" "The talented herr von maintlitz" "Architect of the new german expansionist farm policy" "Fell on top of an old lady in nimwegen, killing her outright." "Her daughter, alice, suffered severe cerebral damage" "From the talented minister's heavy briefcase" "But was nursed back to life by an english doctor, henderson." "Eventually, they married" "And their eldest son, george henderson" "Was the father of mike henderson" "Producer and director" "Ofthe golden age of ballooning." "...mr. and mrs. rita trondheim;" "reginald bo-sankway" "Who would be next to norway in a rhyming dictionary" "If it included proper names" "And if he pronounced his name like that."