"(loud squawk)" "(alarm buzzes)" "(sighs)" "(whirring)" "(vibrates)" "Chloe." "(vibrates)" "(sighs) chloe." "(beep) time!" "36 minutes." "Embarrassing!" "(sighs) really?" "We've been working on it all week." "I mean, I gotta get my morning routine down to a half an hour" "Before I start work on Monday." "You've gotta juice the night before." "Damn it, eli, we've been through this!" "(thud)" "You lose vital nutrients!" "Maybe you suggest something" "Instead of shooting down everything I say." "Well, this job means everything to me." "It's been over a year since I've been on wall street," "And I wanna go into harkin financial" "At the top of my game." "Well..." "Don't think you can talk to me like that" "Just because I'm the pervert in the window." "I'm sorry." "Panties?" "(katie hampton) ♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪" "♪ but I can tell you ♪" "(whispers) ♪ she's a... ♪ (buzzer)" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "God." "Look at this mess." "Is it just me, or has our girl really been slacking?" "What girl?" "The girl that we pay to clean-- yolanda." "We don't have a girl." "I-I-I clean the apartment." "I've just been so busy getting ready for my new job." "Huh." "I could've sworn" "I was at yolanda's daughter's quinceañera." "I was somewhere with a dora piñata." "I can't believe you haven't started that job yet." "You've been yipping about it for weeks." "I am so nervous." "It's like the first day of school." "You gotta make a good impression." "I mean, what if I can't find anyone to eat lunch with?" "I totally know what you mean." "At yolanda's daughter's quinceañera," "I was really worried that I wouldn't fit in, either." "And you know what?" "I didn't." "I really didn't." "(hissing)" "(door bells jingle)" "June. (singsongy) first day at harkin financial." "How you feelin'?" "Excited-nervous-rushed." "Is--is my order ready?" "I called ahead." "Tall skinny latte for "jube"?" "!" "It's on us." "(sets down cup)" "You worked here for ten months." "It's the least we can do." "Thank you, mark." "We'll catch up soon, I promise." "Mark, why didn't you give her our going away card?" "!" "Stay out of it, pepper!" "(scoffs)" "Hey, mark, got your message." "Regretting giving you my number." "What's the crisis?" "I need advice." "Pepper and I got June a card, but when I went to sign it," "I got all in my head." "I mean, what's it gonna be like" "Now that she's got a new job, and I'm single?" "I wanted to write something sweet, but not too sweet." "Then I panicked and wrote this." ""dear June, I don't care what you do." "Mark."" "I can't give her that." "And I can't get a new card." "Everyone else has already signed this one." "I know you got some complex feelings for June," "But I'm gonna help you figure out" "The perfect thing to say in that card." "Lucky for you, as an actor," "I know everything there is to know about writing." "Great." "Thanks." "Also know everything there is to know about medicine," "Being a fireman and an astronaut." "You can get your badge at security staff meetings" "Every day at 9:00 a.M.," "But sometimes you will need to be here early" "For the asian markets." "Oh, mr." "Harkin, if necessary, I will sleep here." "(laughs) I love it." "But discussing where you sleep is a violation" "Of the workplace sexual conduct code... (chuckles) and I won't go down that road again." "So glad to have you here, June." "I see big things for you on the horizon." "Thank you, sir." "(clatters)" "(telephone ringing in distance)" "(exhales deeply) 'tew!" "'tew!" "Oh, my god." "Was that a sneeze?" "That was super adorable!" "I sneeze like a beast." "I'm fox." "Fox paris." "Hi." "I'm June colburn." "Just so you know, the staff meetings start at 9:00," "But they expect you there by 8:50, having had." "Having had?" "Breakfast." "Oh." "This guy walter who used to work here" "Brought a bagel in once." "Harkin was pissed." "Having had, walter!" "Everyone else here has had!" "Dear god!" "Wow." "That's good to know." "Thank you so much." "(chuckles) oh, no problem." "I'm so happy to have" "Another woman junior analyst working here." "(chuckles)" "Are those sea monkeys?" "Low-maintenance pets. (chuckles) they're all named simon." "Hello, simons." "(laughs)" "What are you doing for lunch later?" "(chuckles) hmm?" "And she showed me were to hide leftovers in the work fridge" "Behind the batteries." "Genius!" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "And she saved me from sitting in harkin's seat." "Um, I thought he was gonna sit at the head of the table," "But he likes to sit in the middle among the people." "Oh, she's the best." "We're going for drinks tomorrow." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "She's your nemesis." "What?" "That girl has it out for you." "Did she ask you questions about your family?" "Did she compliment your jewelry?" "Yeah, m-my power brooch." "She's studying you to find your weakness." "She's figuring out the most efficient way to take you down." "Does she have a back tattoo?" "Does she wear a wig?" "Look, um..." "You don't know what you're talking about." "I'm sure if this were, like, cockfighting" "Or d-drug lording" "Or what--whatever it is that you do, you'd be right." "But I'm a professional," "And I don't walk into an office and immediately get a nemesis." "Think what you want, but I know this girl." "I am this girl." "And she's your nemesis." "Because if I worked there, I'd be your nemesis, too." "By the way, I love your brooch." "Why, thank you." "June!" "Come on!" "♪ la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪" "Okay, how about this?" ""I'm gonna miss you a latte"?" "No puns." "Unwarranted pun." "Okay, how's this" ""June, I hate the thought of not seeing you every day." "Maybe we should take things to the next level"?" "Then I give her the card and I lay one on her." "What--w-w-w" "Why would you fart on her in her sleep?" "What?" "You said you were gonna lay one on her." "That's when you toot on somebody when they're sleeping." "What?" "No, it's not." "It's kissing." ""lay one on me" means "kiss me."" "Oh." "Well, you just explained three of my last four breakups." "Ugh." "I got some texts to send." "(fox and June laugh)" "So you guys do happy hour every week?" "Mm." "Well, we genuinely like hanging out together." "We do." "We really support each other outside of work, too." "Jason writes plays." "I make and sell my own leather headbands." "I love headbands." "My company's called stocks and bands." "Get it?" "(all laugh) that's great, right?" "Well, you don't lose 50 pounds and counting having second marg." "So if you'll excuse me, nature calls." "Wow, 50 pounds." "That is..." "Amazing." "I mean, he still has a ways to go, but he looks fantastic." "I'll take that..." "Thank you." "And give it to June." "Oh!" "New kid always pays." "Oh. (chuckles) okay." "I get it." "You haven't gotten your first paycheck yet." "Let me talk to the bartender." "I bet I can get that last round taken off." "I-I can't even afford to take the subway home." "I have to walk everywhere." "Had to take up defensive jujitsu. (chuckles) oh!" "Nuts!" "Nose!" "Nuts!" "Nose!" "Nuts!" "Nose!" "(laughs) (laughs)" "Thank you." "Mm-hmm." "(to "dem bones") ♪ the paper's connected ♪" "♪ by the stapler ♪" "Did you call me "oatmeal butt"?" "What?" "Last night, we went out for drinks." "You said I was fat." "You said I had oatmeal butt." "I said I was proud of you 'cause you have a long ways to go." "There!" "That's it!" "I knew it!" "And to think, in another 10 pounds," "I thought I'd be showing you my naked body." "That was so weird." "How did allen know that I said that thing" "About him having a ways to go?" "Oh, I told him." "What?" "Why would you do that?" "Because I'm your nemesis." "(continues typing)" "(stops typing) okay, look, June," "I worked my ass off to get this job." "Okay, I'm not about to let" "Some girl with "big things on the horizon"" "Swoop in and outshine me." "I'm taking you down." "(sneezes loudly) aah!" "Ahh. (sniffs)" "I do sneeze like a beast." "That part is true. (sighs)" "(door slams)" "+" "(ice cubes rattling) clink, clink!" "(giggles)" "You were right about fox paris." "She has it out for me." "Fake sarcastic shock, I was right?" "!" "Do you want me to crush her?" "Because I live for this stuff." "Just say when, name the time." "It has to be 4:00, so name 4:00." "(sniffs) is that peanut butter?" "Look, fox is just threatened," "But I am not gonna stoop down to her level." "I'm gonna fix this my way." "I am going to kill her..." "(gasps)" "With kindness." "Oh." "It worked in the fifth grade, when becky shaw started a rumor" "That my boobs came in upside-down." "So I made cupcak, , I shared them with her at recess," "And she took back everything that she said." "Cupcakes?" "June, I am talking about literally crushing a woman." "There's something in the bottom of this cup, too." "D-don't you guys have a maid?" "If yolanda saw this place, she would cry." "That's who yolanda is!" "It's james' maid!" "I knew there was a yolanda." "How is she doing anyway?" "Is she still with todd or did jorge finally make his move?" "Todd found out about jorge." "All right." "New day." "Clear heads." "We're gonna nail this card thing." "I didn't sleep last night." "I don't want to not have June in my life," "But what if it's too soon to date her?" "What if I'm not emotionally ready?" "I totally get it." "How could you put something in here" "If you don't know what's going on in here?" "We gotta back it up, to acting, the mother of writing." "All right?" "Let's role-play." "James, come on." "Just try it." "You be mark." "I'll be June." "I don't-- it's hard, I know." "It's scary." "But..." "We'll do it together." "No wrong instincts." "Just total safe zone." "Okay, fine." "(breathes deeply)" "June-- yes, mark?" "Well, you..." "Really mean a lot to me, and I want you to know" "How could you put this on me right now?" "!" "I just started a new job!" "Do you have any idea how stressful that is?" "!" "Plus you just broke up with jennifer!" "Am I your rebound slut?" "!" "I hate your guts!" "(exhales deeply)" "That felt great." "Let's pick this back up tomorrow." "(door opens, bells jingle)" ""dear allen," ""I have a ways to go" ""before earning back your friendship." "June." (pen clicks)" "Yoo-hoo!" "Neighbor!" "Hey." "I made you these." "They are "we got off on the wrong foot" cupcakes." "See the foot?" "(chuckles)" "Truce?" "What do you think?" "Mm." "I think you're trying to kiss my ass." "Mwah!" "Mwah!" "Mwah!" "No..." "Mwah!" "That is not..." "Mmm!" "Mmm." "What I..." "Mr. Harkin." "June put a cupcake on my chair." "I have no idea why." "Maybe it was some sort of prank to fit in?" "Unprofessional, June." "Tighten up." "That is not a sexual advance." "Sir, no, that is--that's not what happened." "Uh, I guess there's a fruit basket" "With an apology note from you to allen in the men's bathroom?" "Kinda hot in there." "Not ideal for melon." "Apology unaccepted." "And then she changed my outgoing voice mail message" "To, "hi, this is June." "I'm sorry I missed you." "I'm getting an abortion"!" "(knock on door)" "I got a package for June colburn." "That's..." "Me." "Oh, my god!" "What is it?" "!" "Open it!" "Open it!" "(tape rips)" "(gasps) it's a box of snakes!" "Oh." "It's just leather headbands." "That's fox paris' side business." "But I-I didn't order any-- let me guess." "You left her alone with your credit card at some point." "(whispers) happy hour." "(inhales sharply) oh!" "Screw kindness." "This girl is my nemesis, and she gonna go down." "Got it." "On it." "Let me put on some boots." "No, that's okay." "I'm gonna do this myself." "But what--what--what do you think I should do?" "Okay, you need to photoshop her head on a naked girl." "How do I get that?" "Just type anything into the internet." "Literally anything." ""mouse." "hat." "sandwich." anything." "(chloe) when she leaves her cube to pee," "Jump on her computer" "And send the picture to mr." "Harkin from her e-mail." "Subject line" ""get an eyeful of this, boss man!"" "What are you doing?" "You pee fast!" "Please don't press "send." please." "It'll destroy my career." "I know things have gotten out of hand," "But I am begging you." "Please?" "(whispers) okay." "(growls) whoa!" "(click, beep) ahh." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Uhh!" "(thud)" "(panting)" "I never pee." "(telephone rings)" "(breathes heavily)" "(ring)" "(chloe) what the hell was that?" "!" "You had her and you let her go!" "I know!" "But she..." "Wait." "How did you know that?" "Where are you?" "Well, I wanted to see how this all went down," "So I'm your 4:00 meeting." "See on your schedule-- parkins and sons?" "I made up that name." "It sounds pretty bad out loud, huh?" "(sighs) I can't do this." "I'm not like you." "Just... (whispers) please." "(normal voice) take care of it for me?" "About time." "Now get outta here." "You're not gonna wanna be around to see this." "Okay." "Fox paris?" "Yes?" "I'm chloe." "So?" "Yeah." "So." "(laughter)" "Aah!" "(laughter continues)" "Oh!" "Hey, June." "(door closes) your half of this apartment sucks." "Chloe's is awesome. (giggles)" "Excuse me while I use the ladies'." "Good luck finding your concealer tomorrow, bag eyes." "Chloe, what..." "Ohh." "Okay." "You are pretending to befriend fox" "So we can attack her from both sides." "Burrow in on the work front, burrow in on the friend front," "And then blow her up from the middle!" "That could not be more wrong." "I'm sorry." "I know I said I would destroy fox," "But it turns out she's awesome." "(whispers) what?" "Hey, chloe." "Look at me!" "I'm June." "(laughs)" "(high-pitched voice) 'tew!" "'tew!" "(laughs)" "(imitates british accent) I like numbers." "I like tea." "(squeals) that's the perfect June!" "That's dead-on!" "Oh, well, this has been great, but I gotta go." "Yeah, you should get some rest." "She's dealing with a real dud at work." "Ugh." "(chuckles)" "That's right." "I stole your roommate." "I'm stealing your clothes." "I'll take everything you own." "(giggles) I'll destroy you." "Night, chlo!" "Love ya, girl!" "(door closes)" "She gave me a wig!" "♪ ooh, la-la-la ♪" "(door slams)" "+" "What the hell?" "You were supposed to take fox paris down" "And not invite her over to our apartntnt for drinks." "Okay, well, when you told me about your work situation," "You left out a lot of very important details." "Like the fact that you sing when you staple?" "Ugh!" "Or that fox paris' cousin's the drummer for blink-182." "But..." "She is my nemesis!" "Sweetie, it's okay." "We'll get you a new one." "You can have any kind you want" "Tall, short, fat, thin." "(gasps) actually, you'd be really funny with a fat one." "(scoffs)" "What is going on here?" "Fox paris is a monster" "Who's trying to get me fired at harkin," "And chloe decided to be her friend, and" "You know what I'm hearing, June?" "A lot of shenanigans" "And very little about actual work." "But she-- what about all the prep we did, huh?" "This job means everything to you." "You're supposed to be showing harkin" "That you're at the top of your game," "Not playing games." "You're right." "It should be about the job, not about all the stupid drama." "From now on, I'm just going to focus on the work" "And keep my head down." "Thank you, eli." "My mom's sick." "I'm sure it's nothing." "All right, we're gonna have a breakthrough." "I can feel it." "Okay, but I gotta say, I'm real uncomfortable." "It's good you're uncomfortable." "That means we're opening up doors." "Now hands on knees." "Not your knees." "My knees." "(sighs deeply)" "All right." "Now..." "We're gonna get inside the man and find the boy." "This feels weird." "Why are we doing this?" "I don't know, actually." "Just something one of my first acting teachers had me do" "When I was just starting out." "It's a..." "Oh." "Breakthrough?" "I think I need to leave." "(chloe and fox laugh)" "Seriously, foxy, lunch was amazing." "Mmm." "Any time, parkins." "(laughs) that's what expense accounts are for." "Abusing company funds." "So where is this famous battery fridge I've heard about?" "Mm." "Over there." "(singsongy) time for cake!" "1 piece, 20 points, no dinner!" "Cake?" "No, I can't." "Too busy." "Gotta focus on what's important--the work." "Ah, suit yourself." "I'll just tell harkin you missed his cake 'cause you hate his guts." "Harkin?" "It's harkin's birthday?" "!" "Save." "(clicks key)" "Save." "Save." "Oh!" "(beep)" "Crap!" "I just opened the dvd player!" "Yay!" "(giggles)" "This is just a small token of appreciation from all of us" "Except for June, who just came in late." "I guess she doesn't care about your birthday." "Well, that's mean of you, June." "No, I was saving documents." "June, go ahead and cut 50 pieces of cake for everyone." "Thanks!" "Wait." "W-why do I have to do this?" "I want the corner piece, but I want the "I" in my name," "And I want it dotted with that rose." "(laughs) go ahead, June." "(indistinct conversations)" "No." "Um..." "Excuse me?" "I am not your server." "You cut the cake if you want it so badly." "How's that cake coming?" "Terribly, sir." "June refuses to" "Cut the b.S., fox." "Cut mr." "Harkin's cake, June." "Somebody put cake in my mouth!" "There's melon and cake?" "!" "Cut harkin's cake now or I will make your life a living hell" "Till you either quit or get fired." "Now for your present." "(giggles)" "Now June didn't want to go in with us," "But the rest of us got you leather wrist cuffs." "(laughs) (man) oh!" "Oh, ho ho ho" "Those are headbands, sir." "They're for girls." "(under breath) what are you doing?" "You cannot intimidate me." "You can steal my roommate, charge up my credit card," "Destroy my relationship with allen..." "(clears throat)" "But I will not cow to your games..." "(speaks indistinctly)" "Because I came to harkin financial to work." "Now you cut the damn cake!" "(squish)" "(man gasps) aah!" "(gasps)" "(murmuring) (gasps)" "(knife clatters) you stabbed me!" "Oh, my god!" "Oh, my god!" "I am so sorry!" "You stabbed me in the back!" "Someone call 9-1-1!" "(mouth full) holy hell, this is amazing." "I'm sorry I put your fruit in the bathroom." "(crying) what is happening?" "!" "You're dying." "We know it was an accident, but just to be on the safe side," "If you need to open any letters," "You can come down to h.R., and I'll do it." "Hey." "How are you feeling?" "Well, you got me... (sighs) right in my flintstones tattoo." "Fox, I am so sorry." "Don't be." "I..." "Look... (sighs)" "I may never, ever, ever like you," "But I'm gonna leave you alone... (queens accent) 'cause you crazy." "You stabbed a bitch" "In the conference room." "You from queens?" "Uh, no." "You hang out at gino's?" "I-I don't know what that is." "Is--is--is that a bar?" "Yeah." "You from queens." "Seven one eight, seven one gray!" "(fannypack) ♪ brooklyn, from the seven one eight ♪" "Queens." "♪ brooklyn, from the seven one eight ♪" "♪ yo, brooklyn, yo, bronx ♪" "♪ manhattan, yo, queens ♪" "♪ staten island ♪" "I figured you deserved to come home to a clean apartment." "(door closes)" "Plus I didn't want to get shivved in my sleep." "You did all of this?" "Thank you for the headbands, miss chloe." "(laughs) you're welcome, yolanda!" "You--I am so impressed." "(door closes)" "You finally stood up for yourself." "One day, you're making cupcakes." "The next, you're stabbing a girl in her fred flintstone." "Good for you." "(clink)" "Thanks." "It felt good." "Not the stabbing part, though." "That felt like chicken." "And it was wrong of me to become friends with fox." "Turns out her cousin's not in blink-182." "He's in candlebox." "Ohh." "Yeah." "(door bells jingle)" "May I have a nonfat latte, please?" "June!" "Ordering in person, even." "Sorry I haven't been by sooner." "It's been crazy." "Wait until you hear about the work week I've had." "So you're still gonna come by?" "Of course." "We're friends." "(exhales deeply) and I just don't feel like my day is done" "Until I can talk to you about it." "Hang on." "We got you a going away card." "Oh!" "(chuckles)" ""dear June," ""I don't care what you do" ""as long as you come back into beans" "And tell me about it." "Mark."" "Thanks." "Of course I will." "Now come on." "Take a break." "I have so much to talk to you about." "I have a nemesis." "I stabbed her," "Possibly on purpose but probably on accident." "But you tell me about your week first." "I think james van der beek was molested" "By his old acting coach." "♪ yo, brooklyn, yo, bronx ♪" "♪ manhattan, yo, queens ♪" "♪ staten island, yo, jersey ♪" "♪ do it, do it like this, can you handle it?" "♪" "(door slams)" "+" "(vehicles passing, horns honking in distance)" "(sighs deeply)" "All right, I'm good."