"to a dreadful dynasy of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "It is just before dawn in Transylvania... but who is it that dares approach this sinister land?" "Who dares attempt to bring a little joy... into the lives of the miserable peasant folk... who huddle in the shadow of the dreaded Castle Duckula?" ""See the world's smallest giant!" " Ooh!" " "See the man-eating porkpie!" " Ooh!" " "See the amazing Al Fresco..." ""juggle with not three, not two, but one hard-boiled egg... and ride a not one, not two, but three-wheeled bicycle!"" "Ooh, that sounds really good." "I think you will find, sir, that he doesn't do both at once." "Oh, Igor, don't be so negative." "I would be more impressed, milord, if the amazing Al Fresco... rode a hard-boiled egg and juggled three tricycles." "Ha ha." "Eggsactly." "Ha ha ha ha ha ha." "Little joke there for you, Igor." "Hey, what kind of circus is this?" "I don't see any big top." "Big top, sir?" "Yeah." "A great big object like a giant balloon... covered in acres of fabric." "Oh, she's just over there, milord." "No, no, Igor, not Nanny." "Huh!" "Hmm." "I see what you mean... but I mean the tent, where it all happens-- the magic of the sawdust ring." "Sawdust ring?" "Sounds like Nanny's doughnuts, milord." "Listen, Igor." "Just because Nanny's a big, fat... stupid, useless, repulsive, destructive idiot... there's no need to be rude about her." "No, milord." "I beg your pardon, milord." "Right." "I'm going to find out what's going on here." "There may be someone in this caravan." "I'll get it." "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "I must remember to ring Rent-a-Brain." "It's all right, Nanny." "It's not our door, it's" "Hey, someone's crying." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Uno momento." "Yes?" "What do you want?" "We want to book tickets for the circus tomorrow night." "All is lost." "My life, she is a ruin." "It is the end--the end of everything!" "Here, he's not upset, is he?" "My goodness, you're very persipicacious." "Oh, go on with you. 'Course I'm not." "He left eighteen months ago." "Oh, Nanny, Nanny." "Look, what's the problem?" "Everybodies, she walk out." "Did she?" "Uh, it?" "Uh, them?" "Uh, who?" "And why?" "All my peoples, they walks out." "She is taking a departure to my arrivals." "Oh, dear, that must be very, very...confusing." "I think you'll find, milord, that his employees have left him." "Oh, I see, I see." "So, why did everybody take a departure to your arrival?" "Sir, what do you say?" "I wish I knew." "Why did everybody leave?" "Oh, they no like me." "Why they no like you?" "I mean, why don't they like you?" "Do you chew bubble gum with your mouth open?" " No." " Oh." "Do you take your socks off and pick your toes?" " No." " Oh." "Do you pay them enough?" " Pay them?" " Do you pay them at all?" " No." " Ha ha." "I think we're getting warm." "Why don't you pay them?" "I save up to buy the flying baby elephant." "Oh." "Flying baby eleph" "You mean like, like Dumbo?" "You mean you've found... a flying baby heffalump?" "No." "I save up in case I find a flying baby elephant." "And if I pay these guys, I don't have the money." "Ah." "And if you don't pay the money, you don't have these guys." "And the circus, she's-a close." "Oh, gee, no weightlifters, no wire walkers... no wonderful waltzing walruses, no" "Wait a minute." "Oh, dear, not another idea." "Yes, Igor, another idea-- a brilliant idea." "Ha ha!" "Yes." "The show must go on." "Da da da dun" "We never close." "Da da da dun" " Tonight and every night." " Oh, no, sir, you don't mean" "Yes, yes, I do mean..." "We shall be the circus." "A wonderful idea." "Ha ha!" "No, Igor." "It's no use trying to dissuade me." "My mind is made up, and no matter what you say" " What did you say?" " I said it was a wonderful idea." "Ah ha ha ha ha!" "The show, she is saved." "The circus, she is unclosed." " Unfortunately." " Eh?" "Unfortunately, the advent of your new career... coincides with my early retirement." "Igor..." "I know it's only been 724 years, but I haven't been well... and there's a little shop I'd like to" " No." " No?" " No." " Oh, dear." " OK, Mister..." " Alberto Straciatella, signore." "Oh, senior, eh?" "Ah, so your son's called Alberto?" " My son?" " Mmm." "Alberto Straciatella Junior." "Do I knows what you are talking about?" "I mean, is your son called Alberto, too?" "If I had a son... he would be called Alberto Straciatella... only he wouldn't be Alberto, because I am Alberto..." "like my father Alberto Straciatella Senior, signore." "Ah." "Do I know what you're talking about?" "Here, I'd like to ask a question." "Yes, go on, Nanny." "See if you can make any sense out of it." "Ahem." "What's a waltzing walrus?" "Oh, Nanny." "Nanny!" "So, all of the propery are stored in this lorries." "Yes?" "And the first doings we are having is to pitch up a tent." "Pitch-a the tent." "Well, I'll get on with that, then." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, signorina." "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "It are a jobs for many, many, many, many, many mans." "Ooh-hoo, that's all right." "Here." "I'll pitch it over there near your caravan, shall I?" "That's a good place, yes, but" "Righy-o!" "Whoop!" "Oh, dear." "Oh, Nanny." "Oh, no!" "My homes, she is flattens." "Never again are you pitching the tents!" "You are a terrible pitchers!" "Well, she's certainly no oil painting." "I'll give you that." "Look, Nanny, I think we'd better leave Mr. Straciatella... to look after things here." "You see, we've got to go and practice." "After all, tomorrow, we are Straciatella's circus." "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "They sure is some dumb people in Transylvania." "Still, if they wanted to make the show for me, that suits." "They don't want no pay, that suits." "They flattens my house?" "I go no suits." "But I sure enough gonna buy some new suits... when the audiences, they pay" " Oi, boss!" " You!" "What are you doing here, you cheap skate revolutions?" "Ah, we wants to see you, boss." "So, you wanna come back, huh?" "No, you two-timing, double-crossing... overblown, half-witted son of a pink baboon." "We want our money!" "Well, you ain't a-sweet talking me." "You ain't gotta the jobs... and you ain't gotta the money... because I gotta me somebodies else." "You no quit." "I fire!" "Bang!" "Ha!" "What are we gonna do now, Charlie?" "Where are we gonna go?" "We're going to stay right here." "Here, Charlie?" "But the boss said" "Don't you worry about him." "He'll pay us double to come back... when he finds out how bad the new acts are." "Are they bad, then, Charlie?" "Ha ha." "They will be, Maurice." "Ha ha ha ha!" "They will be." "Well, this is it." "Got to keep those old first night nerves under control." "Watch those old butterflies in the tummy." "Don't forget, Nanny, you're my beautiful assistant Nanita." "Nanita, what are you doing?" "Why, mate, I'm doing what you said." "I'm watching my tummy for butterflies." "No, I meant--what--you see" "Ahem." "Yes, very good, Nanny, and, Nanita, you can stop now." "Now, as I was saying, you're my beautiful assistant Nanita." "Ooh, yes." "So, when I being Jock O'Leary, the world famous juggler... you throw me things, OK?" "Where do I throw your things?" "Oh." "Not throw my things, Nanny." "I said you throw me" "Ooh, I don't like the sound of that." "I already got into trouble for throwing the tent." "Nanny, when the master is engaged achieving prestidigatory equilibrium... it will be your task to provide him with additional or transitionally levitated... spherical, toroidal, or discoid appurtenances." "Oh, you mean when he's juggling I have to throw him stuff?" "Exactly." "Well, why couldn't he say that?" "Because I have the wrong beak on." "Now, can we please get on with the show?" "Let's go." "And you're next, Igor, with the lions, so--ugh!" "So, see if you can get one of them to eat Nanny, will you?" "Now, have you got them cannonballs, then?" "Yeah, I got 'em." "What do we want 'em for?" "You see that little feller with the yellow beak?" "Yellow..." "What, the new act, you mean?" "Argh!" "The new act." "He's going to juggle 'em." " He is?" " Yeah." "I thought you said he wasn't any good." "He won't be." "But juggling with cannonballs..." "Oh, he must be stronger than he looks." "No, he isn't." "Oh, I see." "Ha ha." "No, I don't." "You will, though." "Ha ha." "Ha ha ha." "There." "Can't hardly tell 'em apart." "Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!" "So, now, ladies and gentlemens... the world famous, one and only... terrifically tricksy Transylvanian... and his totally unbelievable assistant Nanita..." "Count Duckula!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you, and thank you!" "Yes, thank you very much." "Yes, thank you, Nanny." "Ahem." "Nanita." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, for my first trick." "This amazing feat was first performed in front of the crowned heads of Europe... along with their bodies, by the great juggler" "Get on with it." "Pray, silence, sire." "This feat requires great concentration." "All right, Nanita." "The balls, if you please." "Here you are, then, Duckypoos." " Oop!" " Aah!" " Ooh!" " Oh!" " Oops!" " Ouch!" "Oh, dear." "Now, how did that happen?" "Come, Nanita." "We'll try something else." "Here, kitty, kitty, kitties." "Come and drink up your milk like good boys." "Uh, give them their milk, would you, Maurice?" "Yeah, all right, Charlie." "Here you are." "Charlie?" "Charlie, the lions have gone to sleep." "Ah, that's right, Maurice." "Oh." "Why have they gone to sleep, Charlie?" "Well, I slipped 'em a little something in their milk." "Oh." "Why did you do that, Charlie?" "To put them to sleep." "Oh, I see." "Why?" " You'll see." " Oh." "Good." "Ladies and gentlemens... after the clowns..." "Clowns?" "What clowns?" "I think he may be referring to us, Nanny." "I didn't know we was being clowns." "No, Nanny, no." "I now present you to the most fiercesest and dangerousest... man-eating beasts in the world." "But have no fear." "They are under the control... of the iron will and steely courage of..." "Prince Igor!" "Ladies and gentlemen..." "Prince Igor and the Monarchs of the Jungle!" "Hup, Simba!" "Hup, I say!" "Come, you brutes." "Have you no self respect?" "Aren't you the Monarchs of the Jungle?" "Weren't your fathers and their father before them..." "Monarchs of the Jungle?" "You're rotten!" "Yes!" "Chuck him off!" "He's horrible!" "My teddy bear's tougher than that!" "Will you lot do as you're told?" "And now, ladies and gentlemens... the act of the century that will turn your knees to jelly... the amazing El Ducko... knife thrower extraordinary." "Thank you, thank you, and thank you!" "And now a big welcome, please, for my assistant Igor the Terrified." "I wish to resign, milord." " OK, resign yourself to your fate." " But, sir" "Look, Igor, I'm promoting you to senior management." "You are, milord?" "Yes, Igor." "I'm giving you a place on the board." "There it is." "Go and stand against it." "Oh, very well, milord." "Can I have the blindfold?" "Well, you could, only I'm using it." "You'll just have to manage-- you know, close your eyes." "Well, I warn you, sir... if you make a mess of it, I shall never speak to you again." "Very likely, Igor, very likely." " Now go." " Oh, very well." "Right." "Signor Straciatella... the blindfold, if you please." "What the..." " Hey, where are my" " Duckypoos!" "Yes, Nan-Nanita?" "When are you going to do your knife throwing act?" "'Cause I wouldn't like to miss it." "Ah." "Ha ha." "I don't think you missed it, Nanny." "In fact, I think you caught it." "And now, ladies and gentlemens... please raise your eyes to the tops of your heads... as the sensational Monsieur La Duck... proceedings to perform his amazing stuntings... on the high wire with his assistant... and without a safey net." "OK, Igor, I go out and do my solo bit... then I come back, you climb on my shoulders... and we go out together, right?" "If you say so, sir." "Right." "Ha ha." "Here I go, then." "And here I go, too." "Now, this is the guy that holds up the high wire." "Where?" "I can't see nobody." "No, not the" "Guy rope." "Oh, him." "I mean, oh, yeah." "Guy rope, right, yeah, yeah." "What about it?" "We're going to cut it." "Oh, but he might fall down." " Yeah." " He might hurt himself." "Yes." " Oh, dear." " Yes." "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." "Ah." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Ever get the feeling that this just isn't your day?" "OK." "I giving you one lastest chance." "You do the trapeze good... you stay." "You do the trapeze bad, you go." " We go." " We stay!" "Oh, but, sir" "I'm not going back to that miserable castle." "We're going to make a success of the trapeze." " Now come on." " Oh, yes, sir." "Very well, sir." "Are you ready, Nanny?" "Ready, Master Duckula." "Good... then here I come!" "Ooh!" "There!" "Got you." "Oh." "Oh, no, no!" "Help!" "Sounds like they're bringing the house down." "Yeah." "Give them a bit of help, shall we?" "Yeah, all right, Charlie." "What we gonna do?" "Oh, ho, we'll really bring the house down." "What, do our act, you mean?" "No, I don't" "Just pull out a few of these here pegs." "Oh, yeah, yeah, all right, Charlie." "Right!" "That have dones it!" "You are all fired!" "Fired!" "Go!" "Get out!" "Never darken my sawdusts again!" "Oh, dear, Igor." "I wish I could have joined the circus." "After all the things that happened, milord?" "Yeah, it was life, it was fun, it was" "Very nearly fatal, milord?" "Hmm." "Exactly." "No." "I really enjoyed all that show biz razzmatazz." "Sir..." "Now it's gone--all gone." "The ringmaster never even said good-bye." "You know, it's left me with a lump in my throat, Igor." " Yes, milord." " Aah!" "Igor, what was that?" "It's the werewolf sir." "He's a little upset, too." " Oh, really?" " Yes, milord." "The ringmaster went without saying good-bye... and he's left the werewolf with a lump in his throat, too." "Oh, Igor, that's really touching." "Wait a minute." "What do you mean he's left the werewolf with a lump in his throat?" "Igor?" "Igor, answer me!" "Igor, you come back here this minute!" "And so we come to the gory end of another blood stained adventure... in the life of the darkly doomed and desperate Duckula." "Tell the little ones they can come out from under the blankets now... and tell them to tell their daddies that they can come out, too." "Until next time, good night out there... whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"