"♪ In the not‐too‐distant future Next Sunday A, D, ♪" "♪ There was a guy named Joel, ♪" "♪ not too different from you or me ♪" "♪ He worked at Gizmonic Institute ♪" "♪ Just another face in a red jumpsuit ♪" "♪ He did a good job cleaning up the place, ♪" "♪ But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space!" "♪" "♪ We'll send him cheesy movies!" "♪" "♪ The worst we can find!" "♪" "♪ He'll have to sit and watch them all ♪" "♪ And we'll monitor his mind!" "♪" "♪ Now keep in mind Joel can't control ♪" "♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪" "♪ Because he used those special parts ♪" "♪ To make his robot friends ♪" "♪ Robot Roll Call, Cambot!" "♪" "♪ Gypsy!" "♪" "♪ Tom Servo!" "♪" "♪ Crow!" "♪" "♪ If you're wondering how he eats and breathes ♪" "♪ And other science facts ♪" "♪ Then repeat to yourself ♪" "♪ It's just a show, I should really just relax ♪" "♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000!" "♪" "30 seconds to commercial sign," "Hey, everybody, it's me, it's Joel," "I'm marooned out in outer space, and now you're trapped in the vacuum with me," "The robots are throwing me a little party today," "Commercial sign in 15 seconds," "We're expecting a call from the evil scientists who shot us into space for the invention exchange," "But until then, we're gonna party like it's 1999," "Commercials sign in 5, 4, 3, 2," "Commercial sign now," "We're gonna be back in a matter of seconds," "♪" "Hey, what did you guys spike this punch with, anyway?" "It's 10W‐30 and Tang," "Ugh," "Act like your parents are home, the scientists are calling," "Come in, Joel, my little free‐floating clambake," "Hey sir, what happened to you?" "Well, we had a little mishap in the lab this week," "We were trying to make a cold fusion Walkman, and I don't know what happened, but," "You see what happened," "Anyway, Dr, Forrester will be here in a second, he's just trying to make himself look presentable," "Just make with the invention exchange, wild boy," "Oh, okay, well," "This is an invention in honor of the party today, that the robots are throwing," "When I was a boy, I used to play with one of these," "All right," "And now," "I'm a man, all right?" "What's your invention, sir?" "It's," "Never mind," "Are you okay, Clay?" "Yes, Larry;" "Remember, it's all in the name of science," "Well, Joel, I guess our little experiment this week is going to be a powerful healing salve that will allow us to regain our rugged good looks," "Maybe our hair," "Nothing wrong with my hair, Larry," "Jeepers," "You guys look like something from a Wes Craven's children's book," "Thank you," "Well, your film today, Joel, is called Black Scorpion," "It's a Mexican film with effects by Ray Harryhousen, the man who brought you The Seven Voyages of Sinbad," "It's filled with bluescreen action and jerky monster movement," "But at least there's no recognizable talent in it," "Enjoy," "Oh, we got movies!" "Well, those scientists really looked terrible," "Hey, it's Krakatoa, east of Java," "Fentonville, east of Muncie!" "Is that a crack house or what?" "Cops is filmed on location," "Everything you see is true," "Yellowstone, 1988;" "Fire lay waste over 700,000 acres of pristine virgin pines," "Only one man can fight these flames," "Fred Adair," "Fred Astaire?" "Hey, it's Universal Studios," ", Wreck their homes and destroy their lives," "Beam," "And so today, again they kneel, terrified and helpless as a new volcano is created by the mysterious and rebellious forces of nature," "Horny broad‐voiced announcer uses his mighty voice to put fear in the viewer's mind," ", Rich farmland have cracked and dropped from sight," "And millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes," "Guys, get out of the way, that's why you're dying!" ",Mexico, as the most violent of modern times," "To the benighted citizenry of this remote countryside," "We should make s'mores, later," "Okay," "Did you bring the Kraut?" "No, I left them in the Volvo," ", Having reached a towering height of 9,000 feet within a few days," "And then, tragedy struck, we ran out of stock footage," ", wider circumference," "But what is now most feared is that rescue work will be severely hampered by the hazardous inaccessibility of the terrain," "(explosion)" "The wavy title," "Something tells me this movie is about our friends and neighbors to the south," "Tom, there's no south in space," "Carlos Muzquiz, Pascual Peña," "Fanny Schiller," "Pedro Galvan," "Duncan and Blees," "Lindon," "Edmond Fitzgerald?" "This must be his wreck," "That's Edward," "Oh," "♪" "Sawtell," "Melford and Dietz," "Ludwig," "♪" "Now, junior, we're just looking for a place to picnic, here," "Now I know Gary's buried around here some place," "Look around for that shallow grave," "♪" "There she is," "‐Mom?" "‐Yeah," "Fuck, it looks like a volcano to me," "♪" "Hey, why does he need a pipe?" "Why doesn't he just suck in some air?" "Feel the pumice power go to work on your lungs," "That volcano looks as far away as it ever did," "Nobody stuck a gun on your back to make you become a geologist," "Yeah, but you don't have to rub it in," "Hey look, it looks like it's from the old MASH set," "You know, if there was any other village within 50 miles of here, a sign like this could confuse people," "I don't get it," "Looks like somebody else has been through here lately," "Yeah, army truck, maybe, police," "Hey, wait, that's my motorman's helper," "Don't get me wrong, doc, I love this Mexico of yours, but‐‐" "I like my Mexico better," "Got a little plastic burro, it's neat," "How did you get permission so fast?" "For my group, I mean," "After all, red tape and that sort of thing," "Simple, just told them the truth:" "That you needed me along as an interpreter," "And to mop up your sweat," "Well, that may be true, but I think the language you really spoke best was with our secretary who secured all the documents for you," "Oh, I didn't use Spanish with her," "I used Greek, it really confused the hell out of her," "♪" "Incredible," "Truly, isn't it?" "What, the screen behind us?" ",May be as severe as Mount Pele," "This driving effect?" ", San Francisco," "Lucky there are so few people up here," "Well, there were enough," "Meanwhile, on a pole somewhere," "♪" "Oh, hi linesman," "How far have you come, fellas?" "Mexico City, we left on Monday," "Where did you want to go?" "San Lorenzo," "How far is it, do you know?" "Who knows how the bridges are," "Maybe a couple of hours," "A police car went by just before sundown," "They didn't come back, so maybe they got through okay," "Was San Lorenzo hurt badly?" "Who knows?" "The telephone lines are down since the earthquake," "Thanks a lot," "See you later," "Take it easy," "Goodbye, see you later," "Auf wiedersehen," "Hasta luego," "(howling wind)" "Boy, am I hungry," "Is that my stomach growling or yours?" "What is that?" "I don't know," "Ordinarily, I've got nothing against moonlight nights, but I'd be glad to get by this one," "What kind of oil mixture do you use?" "Looks like a farmhouse up ahead, maybe we can get some water up there," "I hope so, I'd like to save those last two bottles of beer," "Two bottles of beer in the Jeep, two bottles of beer," "Pass one down, pass it around," "Beer in the Jeep," "I'll just move this high‐voltage power line with this piece of metal," "Let me dip it in water, first," "♪" "♪" "A little gas station never looked better," "Hello!" "Anybody home?" "I'll see if I can find the well," "♪" "Hey, hello in there!" "Hello out there!" "Nope, we don't need a Jeep," "Hey, hi!" "Hi!" "Come here!" "Look at this," "So, it's a pile of bricks," "See them all the time," "Hey, another pile of bricks, and a card that says, "Black Scorpion Wrecking Services"," "What could it mean?" "Look at that!" "Wow, it's a car!" "Hey, that'd make a cool Ford," "Yeah, it's a '55 Ford," "With a little work, could be cherry," "Yeah, we chop it, drop it, add some thresh pipes, it'll be great," "Certainly have no idea what could've happened, or why," "What could do this to a car out here?" "Well, I'm no insurance adjuster, but a big truck or the neighbor kids could've," "Calling 511," "Do you read me?" "Sergeant Vega, do you read me?" "This is headquarters‐‐" "Hey, there's a small man in the glove box, help me find his torso," "Hello?" "Hello, do you read me?" "511, I read you, Sergeant Vega," "What's your location?" "I'm in the front seat, but I'm not Sergeant Vega," "Take this; you're head man down here," "‐Hello?" "‐Go ahead, please," "This is Arturo Ramos, Professor of Geology, from the university," "My associate and I came upon this patrol car," "There has been an accident," "I believe we're a few kilometers south of the village of San Lorenzo," "Where's Sergeant Vega?" "He's not here," "No one is here," "The car is badly damaged, but there's no blood," "Did the car run off the road?" "No, frankly," "Didn't the police sergeant make a report after the accident?" "The radio's working," "No, we have heard nothing," "Thank you, professor, leave the patrol car as it is," "We shall order military intelligence to send an emergency unit to San Lorenzo immediately," "We will," "Thank you for ordering," "Your total is $5,54, please pull ahead to the second drive thru window," "Not doing any good here, pal," "(rattling)" "Hank," "Some of my countrymen may like rattlesnakes in the house," "I can do without them," "Let's take a look," "♪" "Bob, if you die, can I have your hat?" "You know, this would make an excellent miniature golf course," "♪" "Hey, look back here," "There's a key‐light," "♪" "This house is filled with Christmas trees!" "Ten bucks a foot?" "Jesus," "(rattling)" "♪" "Well, at least we know they're an advanced civilization, they got Vicks VapoRub," "Yeah, now you're supposed to pick it up with your forearms and leave the monastery forever," "(rattling)" "♪" "Bob, look, baby tracks," "What's behind the curtain?" "It's a baby boy!" "All right, kid, start talking," "Come on, now, it's just a baby," "That rattlesnake is the worst kind of them all," "Let's blast it," "♪" "Come on, fella," "Hey, how'd he know his name was Fella?" "♪" "You have practice, Mr, Scott?" "I used to be Mrs, Scott," "‐‐with four brothers and two sisters," "Wait a minute, they were older than me," "What do you suppose caused this wreck, that police car out there?" "Could've been a bull," "If it was, then it had to be the grandpappy of the biggest bull that ever was," "The Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull," "Wow, the grass, even," "Yeah, so?" "Look, I've already got half a dozen questions I can't answer," "I try to ignore any new ones," "You think we oughta use the radio to tell them about the kid?" "No, I think we ought to get to San Lorenzo as quick as we can," "Look at this kid," "Not a peep out of him," "Peep," "You know, if I ever have any of my own," "I think I'll feed him beans and tortillas too," "I'll be able to get some sleep nights," "I doubt it," "(wind howling)" "No more beans and tortillas for that kid," "Actually, wait a minute," "♪" "I'll just leave him here on the seat of the car," "What's behind this tree?" "It's a dead cop!" "That's right, Bob, it's a 1953 Señor Policia, complete with , 38 snubnose revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor mortis," "You too will sleep silently in your home," "Señor Policia," "From Spiegel Catalogue, Chicago, Illinois, 60609," "♪" "Funny place for a wax museum," "He's dead, you idiot," "♪" "I got a wax museum in my ear," "♪" "I told him not to eat the worm," "♪" "Hello, hello?" "We only found Sergeant Vega and the baby," "I hear that, professor," "Right, you said Vega's revolver had all chambers fired?" "Yes, all," "At what?" "We wish we knew too," "Thank you again," "The emergency unit will be in San Lorenzo tomorrow," "They're sending a unit to San Lorenzo?" "What do you think that announcer looks like?" "I picture him kind of tall, good looking, you?" "I don't know," "(chatter)" "A San Lorenzo Milling Around Festival!" "Hey, G,I, Joe, number one!" "Hey, mister, my sister," "Chocolate?" "Hey," "Sorry about that, Gary, you gotta remember to duck more," "What's the matter, muchachos?" "Dad's trapped?" "The rock canyon?" "Thank God," "I'll ask him in Spanish," "¿Presidentes Municipales?" "Okay, now ask him in French," "Okay, do German again," "I am Father Delgato," "Arturo Ramos of the University," "Dr, Henry Scott from the United States," "(clapping)" "I'm afraid I can't introduce this one," "(unintelligible)" "And the parents?" "Don't give him to me, I didn't do it," "I think it might be better if we discussed this inside," "Batting practice," "Oye, señor," "Dead, they were dead," "And now, Father, do you believe there's a demon bug, killing us all one‐by‐one?" "I'll take Manuel, I'll take him with me!" "You know, Gary talked to me that way once," "Once," "Gentlemen, I know you are weary after your journey," "Can I offer you good hospitality the village may provide?" "We tie you to a pole and spank you with trees," "♪" "The Milling About Festival continues well into the night," "Let's mill out of here," "Yeah, let's mill," "The look of death that none of us had ever seen before," "Yee‐haw!" "All right, as you guys have probably noticed, most of the people in this cast are from Mexico, and I thought it'd be nice to take advantage of that to have a little cross‐cultural learning experience, all right?" "Complete with subtitles?" "Right, that's right Cam, watch, you're gonna put the subtitles up on the screen, interpreting the language of our Southern brethren," "Now, we're not that good at it, but we're trying to learn, and hey, that's the most important thing, isn't it?" "We sure think so," "That's right, muchachos," "You want some refritos?" "‐No, I'm stuffed, ‐I'm good man," "No, no," "You don't know what you're missing," "It's time to talk about the film," "El dando cinemato es la preparo en moto cambrio" "Mi casa es su casa, ¿Donde esta tu?" "El gato y moto y moto," "(laughing)" "Introduciendo en le, piñata," "Oh," "Pretty," "El la pasado domingo Carmen Mirando moto brio con, chili con carne esta de tu Jose Cuervo, por favor," "¿Que?" "Never mind," "Pass me a flour tortilla, will you?" "Are you sure you don't want some green sauce with this?" "No, I hate green," "♪" "Tonight you will stay here, and maybe in the morning things won't seem quite so mysterious," "Indeed I hope so," "Here we are, isolated, almost cut off from civilization," "Having lost family or friends is something absolutely unknown," "Still speaking Spanish, everybody?" "‐Oui, ‐Si," "Nyet," "Lo," "‐Goodnight, ‐Goodnight," "They sure headed off to bed early," "We missed dinner," "(chatter)" "The Milling Festival ends in chaos, two angry villages slap each other senseless with large T‐bone steaks," "I really appreciate it," "The spanking, it was great," "See you later this afternoon," "Dr, Ramos, Dr, Scott, I will ask you one more time not to begin this unnecessary expedition," "Look, Frank, drop the cheesy accent," "I don't see how we can be of any further service to you," "No, I don't require you for my work here," "I only know that if you start for that crater, and find yourself in any kind of difficulties, men who are much more badly needed here will have to go find you," "Sorry, Mr, Selfish," "That's why you must come back safely, and before sundown, with all the answers to your questions and mine," "Amen to that, Sluggo‐‐ I mean, Father Sluggo," "Padre," "♪" "Thank you," "♪" "Now you've got me," "This looks like a good place to put the boat in," "We try around over that side, or over here?" "Neither one of them looks exactly like a Pan American highway," "Everyone's always said that the best fissures were on the Eastern slope," "You can see the lava there," "Maybe we can get close enough to get some pictures and plan our best approach," "Hm," "Just keep drinking," "It's the Cisco kid!" "Hey, I can see another movie through my binoculars," "I don't know about that, but I found something a lot more interesting," "Hey, it's Dale Evans and I thought she was stuffed," "Only mounted," "Si, señor, have a look," "It'll do you a lot more good than that bottle of water," "Again," "I don't see anything," "Ah, yes, now I see him," "Oh, doc you haven't got that thing in focus," "They're focused, and it's a very handsome horse, and I'd likely get started," "I know she's a little plump, but come on," "There was a girl on that horse," "The horse must've eaten her," "♪" "I think I see her," "Hey, that's the same place they filmed Robot Monster," "♪" "Now, don't move too much," "I said don't move," "We'll find out if you're all right first," "She's all right, and should be perfect for our experiments," "Except I could've done this more gracefully if I'd known spectators were around," "Looked fine from where I'm standing," "Gently now," "No broken bones, señorita?" "No sharp pain?" "No, really, I'm all right," "I've fallen off Lucero before," "Not for many years, but," "I really can ride, gentlemen," "(clearing throats)" "Hank Scott," "Dr, Arturo Ramos," "Oh, the luck of the Alvares," "Come off a horse, and then right next to a doctor," "Doctors of Geology," "We operate only with little hammers on rocks," "If you have kidney stones, we're the guys to call," "Lucero always goes back to Miraflores," "But the saddle, oh no," "I'll get it," "You're very kind," "No he's not, I'm kinder," "Do you happen to have a canteen?" "Well, sure, right on the Jeep, come on," "♪" "There's a mirror you can use," "Great," "♪" "We'll be here several weeks, at least," "See, we're conducting‐‐" "Try a little of this," "Made it myself, it's my own sweat," "You make it sound like a very intriguing occupation," "Well, I didn't mean to," "‐‐interesting volcanoes," "And you're one of them," "What do you know," "Couple of rocks piled on top of other rocks," "That's kind of fishy," "Let's dig down a little bit, and," "Yeah," "What?" ""Thou shalt not ki‐‐"" "What?" ""Thou shalt not ki‐‐"" "Huh," "I'll take that back," "Should make the saddle heavier," "Hey, Hank!" "Look at this;" "It says, "Thou shalt not ki‐‐,"" "Thank you, doctor," "What do you make of that?" "I guess we're not supposed to "Ki‐‐"," "I found this near the saddle," "Oh, is that good?" "I'll say it is, it's obsidian," "Oh, I don't think it's that bad," "Well, I wouldn't know," "Cattle, yes, but rocks," "Could I ask another favor of you?" "Can I borrow some makeup?" "Would you mind turning back and taking me to San Lorenzo?" "We'd be glad to," "Thank you," "Wow, you'll do anything for a chick," "I must get there today," "Where'd you get your hat from, there?" "‐‐riders to help with my cattle," "That old volcano is really causing a lot of trouble this time," "Yeah, we heard in the village about your cowboys," "Oh?" "Well, if I lose my cattle, I lose everything," "How are things at Sal Lorenzo?" "Well, the Milling Festival is over, ended in a weird steak fight," "Found a baby, though;" "gave it to a priest," "And that sums up where we are in the movie," "The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed," "Is that any reason to act like frightened children?" "I don't think it's just a poisonous plant, señorita," "Even in this climate, you don't grow them that can push in the side of a building and wreck a car," "Oh, but we do," "You're not from around here, are you?" "Strange man," "The Milling Festival over, the citizens are loaded on to flatbed trucks like so many cattle," "♪" "Everybody, don't "ki‐‐!"" "Oh, don't forget," "You promised to use Miraflores as your headquarters," "It will be a great convenience, señorita," "Will it really?" "Right," "Hey, Stevo, flip you for her," "Hey, you see my haircut?" "Look, I got a haircut too!" "Look, haircut, haircut, haircut, haircut, haircut," "We all got our hair cut!" "(speaking Spanish)" "All of you," "Let me ask you this," "Are those foam hats?" "I told you to wear mouse ears," "Would you have become frightened of sounds in the night and run like silly children to the safety of the village?" "Yeah, absolutely," "I say only this, muchachos," "I've known you all for all my life," "We've always worked together," "Me usually bossing you around," "That's right," "If you don't wish to return just to help me save my cattle for me, then," "Return to save Miraflores," "¿Que eso, muchachos?" "(muttering of approval)" "Looks like the answer is no," "Gracias," "All right, señors, back to my house for tacos," "Hats on," "Dr, Scott, Mayor Garcia wants to see you," "In the laboratory with Dr, De La Cruz," "Laboratory?" "You'll be surprised by the experiments that go on there," "He's making a taco salad where you can actually eat the bowl!" "♪" "Doctor, is that the patrolman?" "Yes," "Sergeant Vega," "Relieved doing his duty, now who may perform a greater one," "Ick," "You see, I deep‐fried a small portion of soft shell, now look at the salsa I mixed up here," "♪" "They are flavor buds, they are bursting with flavor!" "Well?" "Black subcutaneous cells that had just burst, or run rampant," "So that salsa is really, really hot then, right?" "Not from any poison I can identify with this equipment," "Lopez, you help again, please?" "Isn't that the guy from The Eurythmics?" "♪" "In this pure alcohol, and this distilled water, and this tequila," "Ah, that's for me," "And this water with some salt," "And then bring some Shinola, and we'll compare it with the last one I gave you," "Think it is a poison, now?" "I do," "Not a chemical poison, Doctor?" "No," "But I believe, for many reasons," "More like a paste, like I use in my hair," "I have had a little experience with them," "The venoms of the snakes," "The wasps and spiders," "While I will prepare these live specimens, and take them to a man in Mexico City who will be sure to know," "Now, do you serve those with crackers, or do you spread them on those toasted garlic rounds?" "Well, as you say, if it's an organic poison, anything from nature, the Great Vilasko will identify it," "The Great Vilasko, juggler, sword swallower, and pathologist extraordinaire," "One wound, here, with no blood," "Then, the situation of the tissues," "The strange bacteria," "Bacteria, I think, found in the soil samples, near the footprints," "‐Footprints?" "‐Footprints?" "Footprints?" "Footprints?" "Where something knocks down dwellings, flattens cornfields‐‐" "Now, these aren't actual footprints, this is feta cheese, but it smells like feet and that's as close as we could get," "Whatever it is, my friends," "I don't believe anyone has ever seen a foot, a claw, this size, except those poor unfortunates who wish they never had," "One question, Doctor," "I hope I can answer it," "The alcohol, the distilled water, the salt solution, I can understand that," "It all makes a salad dressing, doesn't it," "What about the tequila?" "Well, in your country, I believe you call it the coffee break," "Hey, let's all grab a margarita and head out to my turtle pool, what do you say?" "Hey, it's the big belle, and there's Barbara Stanwick," "♪" "There goes the fringe on top," "Don't forget the Alamo!" "Davey Crocker is a dork!" "No," "Remember the‐‐ah, forget it," "Looks like you were pretty lucky," "That thing really came close, didn't it?" "Yeah, it used to be worse," "We were blessed that it didn't go any further, our plantation would've been ruined like the rest of the land," "Makes a lot of sense," "Meanwhile, back at Neighborville, Illinois," "Señorita, thank heavens you're safe," "Oh, really?" "I was worried about you," "I began to search the hill," "Oh, Peo, I had already been found by someone else," "This is Dr, Scott and Dr, Ramos," "(clapping)" "This is my foreman, Peo," "Hi, Peo," "Chump," "Not only comfortable, but cool too," "Yes, sometimes I think being cool is, by far, the most important on days like this," "Well, I know you'll want showers," "Wow, it looks like she lives at the Gala winery," "Florentina," "Show Dr, Ramos to the blue room?" "And then sponge bathe our guests, won't you?" "‐‐Show Dr, Scott to the left wing," "I'll take care of them!" "Well, I'll see you later, and you can tell me all about your expedition," "At the end of the shower?" "Not bad, doc," "Meanwhile, in the shower," "(mooing)" "Good day's work, Chalaco, not bad," "All right everybody, thank you, but Oklahoma has been cast already," "‐‐By Thursday," "Why put on such a face?" "We will do it, if I have to stay in the saddle without sleep myself," "You must understand, can't you see?" "The cattle knows that something evil is carried on the wind," "That's the cat," "Now, let us have a good supper, and forgot these superstitions," "Hey, quit shouting back there!" "Hey, cut it out!" "Meanwhile, back at the dog," "Would you like some brandy, sir?" "Brandy for a dog?" "Just a minute," "Juanito, hurry with the brandy," "Would you like some, too?" "Please," "I'll take care of them," "Muchas Gracias," "Take a shot for yourself, little buddy," "Kid's kind of a kissup, isn't he?" "Jerry Mathers has to be virile," "Can I make a complaint, Teresa?" "Oh, I'm sorry, what was not done suitably?" "Oh, the dog was a little well done," "Everything was done beautifully," "You know, you're making it very difficult to think about settling down to work," "Well, is that so bad?" "That all depends," "Might be very bad if I stop thinking about work altogether, and just started concentrating on pleasure," "Hank, those volcanoes have been there for hundreds of years," "I'm sure they wouldn't mind waiting just a little longer," "What are they talking about, Joel?" "Uh, sexual healing?" "I've got something to show you," "Let me put my new Leonard Nimoy album on, the Sings The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins," "I noticed it last night at the village," "Looks like a decoupage Hummel," "See anything?" "Hold it up against the light," "Looks like Wisconsin Delts," "♪" "That's fantastic, Doc," "There's a scorpion trapped in there," "You are bold and assertive, and you get along well with Libras, 300 years old, but there he is," "I wanted to show it to you before I broke it open," "Not on the table, I just had it re‐felted," "(screeching)" "Alive!" "Impossible!" "It's a prehistoric crunchy treat," "I can't believe it, life enduring for centuries like this, and under all that heat?" "My underwear drawer?" "Hey, I hope you know, you voided the warranty when you cracked it open, pal," "(screeching)" "It's an ancient squeaking scorpion," "Pardon me, señores, do you like to keep scorpions?" "I know a place where there are millions!" "Not like this one, Juanito," "This one squeaks," "Pancho!" "Cisco!" "You don't know how to behave?" "I have to send you out," "I want a magnifying glass to watch this little monster," "You mean the little kid?" "You know, I could throw this scorpion out the window, and then we'd really be alone," "Well, except the dog, the cook, the small boy, and your friend," "Why don't we?" "(ringing)" "Oh, excuse me!" "The line's been fixed," "Is that a problem?" "Hello, Hello?" "I'm a lineman for the county, and I drive the main road," "Oh, is the line all fixed?" "All clear, ma'am," "Miraflores is the last one, señora," "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the star of our show," "It's the roaches!" "(screaming)" "Works every time," "Ew, he's leaking, look at that," "Ew," "(screaming)" "Let's see, what am I hungry for," "Lobster, yeah!" "That's what I wanted," "♪" "Oh, hi, Crusty," "What?" "What's on first," "Under the bridge!" "He's stuck up a pole," "Once you've tasted linemen, you'll never go back," "I bet you can't eat just one," "No!" "(screaming)" "Hank, come here!" "The line's been bugged!" "Hello!" "Hello, what's wrong?" "Look out!" "Could you scream a little slower?" "I can't understand you," "Run!" "Roughly translated, he's saying," ""This would not have happened, had we installed fiber optics,"" "I think I can take that thing," "♪" "(speaking Spanish)" "Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!" "We turn the floor of the Sonora desert into a giant blood pit," "It's machine meets arachnid in one on one action," "Gogo the gorilla, and all‐time‐powerful meister, Big Scorp," "(screeching)" "Hm, delicious guy on a stick," "You got a little," "(screaming)" "A neat treat that's fun to eat," "This might sting a bit," "No, it's gonna sting a lot," "Definitely," "Where's the Arroyo Bridge?" "I'll show you," "(whimpering)" "Pancho, what is happening to you tonight?" "I gotta do a film with Jim Belushi," "Doc, we have to go over to the bridge, there's some trouble!" "Come on," "You be a good boy," "(barking)" "Bad dog, bad dog!" "Come back, come back, Rin Tin Tin!" "(barking)" "Bad dog!" "Look, kid, the dog obviously doesn't like you," "(shouting)" "Dogs love the rich taste of gigantic scorpion," "Señorita!" "Shouldn't we unhook the boat, first?" "I cannot say!" "Help, Mr, Hank!" "Well, that's Juanito!" "Juanito; who's gonna save a kid named after a snack cracker?" "(screeching)" "♪" "Run, Juanito!" "Not that way!" "Call for help," "Don't shoot the boy;" "shoot the monster!" "I'm getting scared!" "Mrs, Butterworth, help!" "Where is Juanito?" "He's safe!" "Operator!" "Operator!" "Operator!" "♪" "But I just don't understand it at all," "Well, we'll go through it again one more time, okay?" "At approximately the same time every day," "Joel goes into his cabin, stretches out horizontally on his bunk, and closes his eyes," "Yeah, and then he holds perfectly still and shuts down," "No, except it's not a complete shutdown, because every now and then, he rolls over, and he'll say things like, "Oh no, Mr, French, puppy didn't hide the cat!"" "Or, or, one time I heard him yell, "Don't stop, don't stop!"" "(howling)" "Gypsy, we're busy, here," "That's not the weird part, it's really not," "He'll get up, he'll walk into a little closet, and he makes water," "Yeah, and what does he do with it?" "He flushes it out into space," "Go figure," "It'd be like if we were to just drain hydrofluid to jettison it into space," "(howling)" "Oh, cute, girl, go take a powder," "Okay, here's a paradox for you, he's programmed to grow hair on his face, right?" "But every time he gets up from his bunk, he cuts it off!" "Yeah, and then it grows back again the next day, what does he do?" "He cuts it off again," "Yeah, this is one of those logically strange loops," "Some sort of bizarre, non‐euclidian human projection pattern which makes no sense," "(howling)" "Oh!" "Owie, owie, owie!" "Oh, I tell you buddy, human nature is a hard thing to figure," "Oh, we got movies on, let's go!" "Tom, why'd you break Gypsy?" "She tried to consume me, Joel," "There you go," "Operator, operator!" "This is the operator, I'm not in right now," "Nothing important is happening, so I left," "This is a recording," "(explosion)" "Oh," "Ah," "Here comes the grand finale, I love this part," "Oh, this is your landlord calling," "I'm sorry, but you won't be getting your damage deposit back," "Come on, everybody, it's just a big bug!" "Ain't you ever seen a big bug before?" "Come on, nothing to worry‐‐" "Whoa, what the?" "Gary, get out of my way!" "♪" "It's crazy day!" "We's slashing and bashing prices!" "Yes, that's right, all giant scorpions get in free!" "Free hot dogs and balloons for the kids!" "Hey, come on down and visit me code jail, I'm in code prison," "Get me out, get me out, come on," "Come on down to crazy day, this Sunday," "♪" "Oh, I saw that in Potemkin once," "It's the Wahaca step sequence," "♪" "These soccer games really can get out of hand," "You're not supposed to use your hands," "Hey, get me!" "I'm stinging peasants!" "♪" "I hate to tell you this, that's not how you use the gun," "It's upside down," "It's udder chaos!" "Cows," "Cow could I say that?" "It must be after the cattle," "Well, just rope and brand them, don't try to understand them," "Oh, you got a little, uh," "I told you, kids, no horseplay in the house," "♪" "You got a little, yeah, eugh," "Come on!" "♪" "Man, I wonder if that thing can plow a driveway," "It should be great," "I don't think it can, doesn't have the right attachments," "Flint, Michigan," "On a clear day, you can see the GM plant on the outskirts of town," "Hey look, there's Michael Moore," "I'm telling you, Brad, I'm gonna get to Mecina before Monty," "MASH 4077, best care, anywhere," "It's Sydney Freeman," "Dr, Vilasko," "Hey, Hawkeye, didn't recognize you in the civvies," "This is fantastic," "Oh, you like it?" "Thanks!" "Thank God, Father, we thought you were all dead," "This is all that remains," "Even the animals," "I cannot speak of this night," "Well then, just don't speak of it," "Father, I have been sent here in charge of emergency arrangements," "All that are left will be moved to safety," "Please tell everyone to be ready to leave San Lorenzo," "And Father, they may only take what they can carry in their arms," "I'm not your father," "Where is the laboratory?" "Over there," "Lavatory or Laboratory?" "As soon as I received the samples," "I identified the poison is that of a scorpion," "But I had no concept of the creature's size until I saw this," "Your feta cheese?" "This specimen found by Dr, Ramos is of a species thought to be extinct," "We have known it in a passive state, but never alive," "Now, from the bowels of the Earth, it has come forth again to plague the Earth," "What can we do?" "I emptied the machine gun on one of them," "I beg of you all not to lose your head," "Have you tried reasoning to them?" "We have a few advantages against this enemy," "First, we're small, we can run fast," "Thus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy them," "Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic," "And we have giant 40‐foot pincers!" "No, wait, that's the scorpions," "One question, sir," "Yes?" "What weapon to do you intend to use?" "Gas," "We're in Mexico, that should be easy to find," "It has been proved effective against normal species, let us pray it works against," "Normal species?" "If it does not?" "We give up and die," "May God help all of you," "Or some of you," "Like you," "Okay, Milling Festival's over, it's the Big Hat Fest," "I want to do what I can, too," "Señorita Alvares, I understand your emotions," "Believe me Dr, Vilasko, I'm not trying to be emotional," "I wouldn't ask to come along if I thought I couldn't help," "Teresa, you don't know the hardships," "Dr, Vilasko, Major Cocio," "I know this area like the palm of my hand," "But she can't ride a horse to save her life," "I'm a good shot," "You said yourself, you needed all the help you could get," "Señorita Alvares, I think you have found yourself a job," "The pay's rotten, but the hours stink," "Major Cocio and I are planning this," "See, I got this lake property, and it goes all the way back to the woods," "I want to go with you, I want to do a job," "Don't worry, Juanito, we'll get together again," "That's a promise," "See if you can find my boots for me, will you?" "I know where they are!" "Oh, they stink," "Hey, did you actually pay for these?" "Line, please," "Here they are," "Oh, good!" "Now stop eyeballing them, kid, and give them to me," "Like those, huh?" "Tell you what, Juanito, when you get to be a big man," "I'll get you a pair just like these," "No, thanks," "Thank you, Mr, Hank!" "You like that, huh?" "I know how to ride very good, I know how to shoot very good," "Yeah, yeah, we know you're superboy, too bad you can't act," "Hey, can I call you Gary?" "Ah, Juanito," "You know, sometimes even a half a man has a lot of different jobs to do," "And right now, the most important job for you to do is to take care of your grandmother," "She can take care of herself!" "Offer, Juan, you'll be paid well for it," "You've got plenty of time to do more exciting things," "And you?" "You be very careful, and don't get hurt, won't you?" "You, work on your diction, I'll catch up with you later," "Yeah, that's what Shane said," "Okay," "Here they are, the 15th fairway," "Boy, I wish they'd keep those horses away from the green," "♪" "I don't see a thing, Dr, Vilasko, we'll go on," "All right," "♪" "Playing the Top Flight Five, aren't you?" "I usually use range balls out here in the rough," "They're playing the volcano hole," "Next is the windmill, and that's really tough," "Looks like he's gonna use an iron on this one," "A little hard to believe, but he's been having a lot of trouble with his driver and his woods," "Looks like he's going for a tough par," "Hey, he was in our foursome last week!" "This is a rough hole," "♪" "Major," "Yes, Doctor?" "Tell your captain to hold all the heavy equipment until we call for it," "You mean the irons?" "♪" "Look at this!" "A great big opening!" "There's the pit everybody!" "Wow, it is tough," "He's got to four caddy that hole," "Look, there's something wrong with his horse!" "He's falling in!" "No actors were abused in the making of this motion picture," "♪" "That's gonna cost them a stroke," "Take a full swing!" "We must get down to the lower level," "The lady's key?" "♪" "Okay, who has the orange ball?" "♪" "Hey, they moved the pin!" "This crevice is new," "It must've opened during one of the earthquakes," "Looks like a job for us, Doc," "Of course," "No transport?" "How deep do you say it is?" "Well, Doc and I've been down many a cave, but there's no way of really telling," "I think it cuts down into the right, we should be able to bogey it," "♪" "Hey, cut it out!" "Ouch!" "Well, the only way we can find out is try to go down there ourselves," "What do you say, Doc?" "What, are you high?" "Would that poisonous gas work in a crevice this big?" "I could not anticipate such a crevice as this," "I'm not a big enough crevice," "Major, I think you better bring all your heavy equipment up here," "Crane, tanks, and all," "Captain, bring the crane and all the heavy equipment," "You want my men to go down there?" "It is suicide," "Don't worry about, Doc and I haven't had a decent elevator ride in a long time," "We commit suicide every day," "Got my snowmobile here," "Sno‐Cat, really a beauty," "What are you doing here?" "I'm a stowaway!" "No, you're a volunteer, kid," "Do me a favor, will you?" "And just stay out of the way," "Yes, Mr, Hank," "Good," "And just sit in the Jeep like a big boy, okay?" "Yeah, wear that checkerboard bib, overalls, and hold a big sloppy hamburger like that," "Why the birds, professor?" "Because, if the birds stop singing, that means there's poison gas in the cave," "Fine time to go jousting," "Neither of you, it's not your responsibility," "Who's responsibility is it?" "The producers," "The army," "The people who live here!" "Now look, Doc and I know more about caves than anyone else here," "Give me my gum back," "Thank you," "No, you got it," "Here, I want you to have it," "Why did you do that?" "Maybe I just wanted to see what you'd do?" "What did I do?" "Well, I don't know, but you did it first," "Señorita," "You can help us if you will keep the log of the descent," "How many meters down, the reports which are made," "Sure, Keep yourself busy, that's my theory," "Oh, don't forget, take care of little Juanito," "Juanito?" "Oh, you mean my kid!" "♪" "And so we enter the cage, knowing the Earth's fiercest creatures await us below," "Zsa Zsa," "He said down," "♪" "Lower and lower we go, traveling past the matte paintings," "♪" "We suffer from the banes of nitrogen narcosis," "♪" "(screeching)" "I think we're gonna need a lot bigger boat, you guys," "Should I get the cops?" "I'll get the cops," "Look down there," "♪" "Hello, stop cage!" "Big crab!" "Big guy!" "Oh boy!" "Oh boy!" "Bring us up!" "Stop the cage!" "Send down a little lemon butter," "Hold on a second," "Hell, why don't you go down there and stand next to the creature so I can get a sense of scale?" "♪" "Okay, I got a picture of it," "Lower on," "All right, lower them down," "Down, did I say down?" "Up, I meant up," "He's gonna clip that line like a nose hair," "Hey, look over there, it says Arnie Sacknessen," "Deeper and deeper we went, until our little thread was all the way down, you know," "A huge cavern, I've never seen a cave so big in my life," "Can you see the size of Mendoza?" "No, not from here," "We'll take a look around," "Seems like a nice enough place," "At first," "We step to see if it's cold and lifeless, when actually, it is teeming with life," "Here we see a sea anemone," "It's seemingly fragile structure adapted to the massive pressures," "At this depth, the sea pressure could crush a man's head like a pimple," "Hey, Chirpy," "Is this Doom?" "Here we see one of the beautiful creatures of the sea floor," "Though it appears vicious to the eye, it is very docile," "You can see the creature's lure, which is a lump of flesh in front of the ink sack," "Well, this is the winner of the Uniroyal Pioneer Trophy," "Now, this float is called The Little Inchworm," "It's made entirely out of white coral flowers and dried shellfish," "It's a real piece of work," "Cathy Lee?" "Hank, answer!" "Hey, he likes to wear hats," "We just find a bug that can wear this hat and we've got our man," "Or their worm," "Exactly," "Are you there, Hank?" "Dr, Ramos," "Dr, Ramos," "Elven boy hid behind the gas tanks," "Hello, hello?" "Hello!" "Damn these Sprint lines!" "Yes?" "Mendoza's dead," "We just saw a worm, 30 feet long," "And boy does it catch fish," "We want to look around a little more, first," "Hey, Doc!" "Over here!" "There's a big set over here!" "Over here, over here," "Stay down, Sabu," "(screeching)" "Aw, yuck," "The ants were marching one‐by‐one, hurrah, hurrah," "The ants were marching one‐by‐one, the little one stopped to shoot a gun," "Doesn't even penetrate it," "Try another one," "Better call Orkin," "Or throw the boy at them," "Yep, these are scorpion prints, all right," "♪" "Are they in the basement of the volcano, is that the deal?" "♪" "Made him mad, not a good thing," "You know, even if they catch that thing, they're gonna need a lemon the size of a Volvo to eat it," "♪" "I think I'll go make some yummy curry sauce," "With my own body," "Becky?" "Aunt Jill?" "Huck?" "♪" "Let's knock off for the day, Bill," "It's been a long one, and I sure could go for a nice cold brew," "Scorpions like this always keep lots of ice cold beer around," "Sounds like there's an opera going on next door," "(screeching)" "I got 20 bucks that says the scorpion who wins this one," "I'm just plain terrified," "Well, he's got a foreign object," "Well, Carmel, I can't believe what I'm seeing here," "What does it smell like in here to you guys?" "Yuck," "Rowdy," "Must be the grandaddy of them all," "Wilford Brimley?" "Good, make sure they can see us, thanks a lot," "That's how they kill each other, that weak spot in the throat," "Good eye," "Go out there and strangle them, will you, Hal?" "♪" "Oh, great, it's a wood tick," "He's gonna get Lyme's disease now!" "Quick, get a lit cigarette!" "Help!" "Help!" "That doesn't sound like a giant mutated scorpion," "Come on, afraid of a little tick?" "You little pansy," "Help!" "Juanito, come back!" "♪" "Stay back in the cave, Juanito!" "Because you got some explaining to do, boy," "Let's get some Deep Woods OFF, and finish him off," "I thought I told you to stay in the Jeep, what are you doing down here?" "I came to help you," "To help us?" "No, come on," "All right, you're bait, come on," "Holy buckets," "Mr, Hank, Mr, Hank!" "Look!" "Huh?" "Oh, well this isn't good;" "Not at all," "I mean, I've seen good before, and it didn't look anything this," "Remember that bad thing we saw?" "Well, it looked like this, remember?" "Definitely bad," "That scorpion really wants to use that phone booth," "Okay, play him out a little," "Keep your rocked hip high," "When you're ready, set the hook," "The crane will be pulled in!" "Throw some rocks under that crane!" "No, you do it," "There goes our cage, gas tanks, everything," "And my lunch was in there!" "♪" "Come here, you!" "Yuck," "Great, we lost 'em," "He went under the boat, now we're out of bait," "Here, take the cable, Doc, and send it back down as fast as you can," "Bring it in slow," "Maybe they're on it?" "Oh, pull it up, Please, pull it up!" "Keep bringing it in," "Just keep thinking about your happy thoughts, don't look down," "I know you're a bendy doll in this scene," "Don't give up," "Hold on!" "I bet you couldn't even climb the rope in high school," "Could you, you gutless wonder, you wimp!" "Get me, I'm a bendy doll," "Higher and higher he goes," "He's getting a nosebleed," "♪" "Well, how was it?" "By this time, my lungs were aching for air," "What happened to Hank?" "Hank and Juanito are down there, too," "Get a loop on the cable, send it down, quick!" "Make a loop on the cable!" "Loopy, on the cable," "Okay, now get a shot of me with the buck," "Make a real good pose, there," "Oh, I'll send the rope back down for you, I promise," "By the way, can I have your bike?" "Great, he's a human piñata, now," "Darn, darn, darn!" "♪" "Grab a Mountain Dew and try that, it's a blast," "♪" "Oh, Juanito," "Oh, Juanito, why did you do it?" "We are engaged," "Oh," "It'll be dark in about an hour, and those scorpions will be coming out again," "You couldn't use the gas?" "No, we lost it in the molten lava," "There must be about 50 of those things down there," "Can't we close that opening with dynamite and seal it?" "You have no idea as to the size of that place," "Wait until you see these pictures," "They're great, remember corn palace last year?" "Even better than that!" "Oops, I left the lens cap on," "Major, we must try to seal it shut with an explosion," "We must start before nightfall," "Okay," "So there was a hook on the door handle," "Scary," "The giants don't last that long," "They eat their own weight every three or four days," "But, suppose they find another way, those passages down there," "Crafty," "They did play a cruise ship once, when I was a kid, but other than that," "‐Major, ‐Yes, Doctor?" "Let's close it," "Ready?" "Aim," "Let her go," "I guess that does it," "Wanna bet?" "♪" "It seemed like a good idea," "‐At first, ‐At first," "Hey, your apartment is great," "This isn't the end of anything, not for us," "It's the beginning," "Hank, all of us have done our work now, and," "Thank heaven if we've done without any more tragedy," "And you still have your survey of the volcanoes to make, yet," "By the way, you're sitting on a hornets' nest," "I'll be home every night for dinner," "I have to leave at once," "I should've left for the States two months ago to buy a cow for the herd," "Did you leave the water running?" "You'll be in Mexico City for a week first, huh?" "Very powerful woman," "And I'll meet you there, and you can show me the town," "Well, at the city of 8 billion people," "You better go talk to the chamber of commerce," "A day, two days?" "I don't want to settle for just two days, Hank," "I don't want just two days, either," "I want five days," "Five nights, double occupancy, air fare included!" "I don't want you to fool me either," "I'm not gonna," "I like you very much indeed, and I want you where I want you," "Your breath is like mummy meat," "♪" "Meanwhile at Hawaii 5‐0," "Dr, Scott!" "Hello, I can hardly hear you," "This is Dr, Vilasko," "Oh, Dr, Vilasko, how are you, sir?" "Well, I'm tying some details, yeah, it's perp's day down here, you know?" "Hank, I regret to have to complicate the plans you and Dr, Ramos have made for so long, but some of my colleagues here in Mexico are very, very anxious to talk to you both, at once," "I don't really think there's anything we can add to what you already know, Dr, Vilasko," "I am with the Director of Civilian Defense and High Army Officers right now, Hank," "That's great," "It is imperative that you both return here at once to complete your report," "I don't like to say‐‐" "What kind of salary are we talking, here?" "Everything is under control, isn't it?" "There's no cause for alarm, not at all," "But a request for cooperation has been required by," "By a good neighbor of the South," "Noriega?" "Daniel Ortega?" "Tio Sancho?" "Already postponed the trip five times," "I guess once more won't matter," "What?" "A plane?" "Yeah, sure, that would help a lot," "How do you planning on flying?" "Dr, Vilasko, do you suppose there'd be room for three on that plane?" "Of course, there'll be room for three," "All right," "Yes sir, I understand," "Right, see you then," "Hasta luego," "He bought it!" "Everyone hide behind the furniture," "I don't think so," "He assumes that the danger is completely over," "That's fine," "You seemed very willing to postpone our trip once you learned that Teresa could ride with us on the plane," "Well, at least it was some sort of an inducement," "My friend, remember, this is not the balcony of the neighborhood movie, Pitter," "Although the floor's just as sticky," "And when a man shows as much attention to a girl as you have, all of a sudden he's in a cathedral, and wondering how he got there," "So, what do you got against marriage, Doc?" "I try to remember what my father told me at one time," "He said, "Arturo, every time,"" "Hey, come on, yo, what are you, Gabe Caplin here?" "What's with the story?" "Hey, get on with it," "Is this a Bob Newhart bit?" "Right, I'll get the sedatives," "♪" "It's Benito Mussolini," "Hey, I see your hair plugs took," "Dr, Vilasko has asked me to take you to him at once," "Right away," "I don't think your hat's quite dead yet," "I have order to take the señorita wherever she wishes," "You gentlemen must accompany me to the university," "All right," "We better get out of here," "Let's go," "Follow me," "Look, it's the Kaluha factory," "Hey, everybody, my name is Joel," "Welcome to the Satellite of Love, today we have‐‐" "I think his voice is a bit higher, Servo, more like this," "Hey, sirs, what's the experiment for this week?" "That's pretty good, but he tends to roll his R's a little bit," "More like this," "Hey, what are you guys up to, anyway?" "Wow, that's perfect, that sounds just like him," "Ixnay, Crow," "Ixnay on the Oeljay," "What?" "Oh, right, sorry," "We were just doing our little tribute to the genius behind the character effects in this film," "Yeah, that black scorpion is terrific, very realistic," "And you know who the creator of the stop action animation, was the one and only Willis O'Brien," "Oh, we thought it was Ray Harryhousen," "That's a good guess, but actually, the great grandaddy of them all was Willis O'Brien," "Oh," "He started the whole thing, actually," "He's the guy who brought to the screen such great science fiction characters," "There's King Kong, and Mighty Joe Young," "Well, didn't he also do a bunch of those dinosaur movies?" "Right," "He did something like, Valley of the," "Valley of the Mist, that's right, and you'll be surprised to know that a very young stop animation animator was on the scene, just learning from Willis O'Brien, and that man was Ray Harryhousen," "And he also worked on Mighty Joe Young" "Oh, so that's why we're confused," "That's right, but you guys did a great job on this model," "Thank you," "Hey, Cambot, bring it in a little bit, it's almost time to go to commercials sign," "We'll be back everybody, right after commercial sign," "♪" "Now, gentlemen," "Now that was a cute little model, I think," "Yeah, it's pretty cool like that," "Worked all night on that," "Almost directly across from the fissure where you and Dr, Scott descended," "You will see, here, is the fissure," "This is San Lorenzo," "On the Isle of Langerhans," "Exactly here, that the photograph was taken," "Gentlemen, I still think you're making a mountain out of a molehill," "Actually, it's a volcano," "You noticed how that mountain went when we blew it up," "Nothing could live under those tons of rock," "Not if they were under the rocks, no," "I don't think I quite follow you," "From your description, that Dr, Vilasko told us, it is obvious that the cavern in which you two men descended is part of Jamilpa Caves," "Huge tunnels that run under the Earth, at depths up to five miles," "Where we could live so that the animals could be bred and slaughtered!" "Some, are flooded, part of the underground lakes," "Look at that, he's sporting a girdle," "Here they are," "Check it out, look," "‐‐how this large fissure, here, is directly above this arm of the system," "Which is slightly swollen due to the pressure on the naughty bits," "Is exactly the place where you took your photographs," "Here on the seventh green," "Also notice, that here, where the scorpion was photographed from the air, is also part of the connecting system," "The scorpions could easily have fled underground to one of many underground shelters," "Is this gonna be on the final?" "What is that long arm there?" "That is the cavern which extends southward to within 20 miles of Mexico City," "There, where it lies under the radio," "This is what we want," "It's Walt Disney and friends," "How many of the Scorpions‐" "And Adolf Menjou," "And when will they decide to come to the surface after blop," "After Bob?" "So, that is why we brought you here," "Today after tomorrow, we want you to address a group of scientific and military experts so that we may plan for any emergency," "‐And we enjoy your company, ‐What kind of rifles were you using?" "How powerful?" "Well, the cartridges I was using are supposed to penetrate 2 inches of steel," "But then I'm fine," "How do they kill each other?" "The throat, there's a small part right here that has no armor, that's its weak point," "When they attack each other, of course, they have the poison to inject into their enemy's throat," "Can you duplicate the poison?" "No, not without a giant scorpion," "What we need is something that'll penetrate that small area exactly and then send some sort of poison into the circulatory systems," "What it could be, I have no idea," "We'll deploy a small throat lozenge," "But with the meeting on Friday," "I'm sure we will reach a solution," "Gentlemen, I do not have to tell you that everything we discuss here is absolutely secret," "‐This city has 4 million people!" "‐I'm gonna tell," "If word of this leaks out, the panic of the population will be worse than the scorpions," "He's got the pi sign on his head," "Meanwhile at the Stork Club," "I think I'll have the Bull, you, honey?" "Nice girl," "‐Well, thank you, ‐Oh, you mean me," "I'm glad you can see me in something else besides those clothes I wear at the ranch," "In that woodchuck costume?" "Hank, what's the meeting on Friday about?" "Some geophysical contest Dr, Vilasko roped us in on," "Cigarette?" "‐Yes, it is," "After you finish that, where am I taking you for dinner?" "How about the IHOP?" "It's only 9:00," "Do you realize this is Mexico City, and no one has dinner before 11:00 at night?" "So then it should be easy to get a table," "Why, it's practically afternoon, right now," "What are you, on Dr, Seuss time all of a sudden?" "Hey," "Oh, am I going to have trouble with you," "Well you work on it, teacher," "I think you could solve me," "Hey, look at me, I'm a Rubik's Cube all of a sudden!" "Whoa!" "Meanwhile, at the Toboggan room at the IHOP," "Another waffle, my dear?" "Another short stack for table 12!" "Aren't you overdoing it a bit, Hank?" "No, these waffles go right to my head, I'm in love," "What's the matter, don't you like caviar?" "Oh, I love it," "But not on my pancakes," "I could never understand why it's so expensive," "Well, it's a full year's work for a sturgeon," "That guy!" "He's a card," "He's a regular fish egg," "Yeah, should I be going to bed or going to work, or getting up?" "There's water coming out of his neck, look at that," "I wish you'd change your mind," "You don't have to go away, and that volcano can wait," "No," "You'll get through with your speech tomorrow and your silly expedition, and I'll do everything I have to do, and then when we come back, we won't have a worry in the world," "(tooting)" "Yeah, except he'll make me look at his model train all night, probably," "♪" "Hey, crusty scorpions here, get your big crusty scorpions," "♪" "I was afraid of this," "Scorpion hobos," "♪" "Putting pesos on the tracks to see if they flatten," "♪" "Hey, Crusty, what's your sign?" "Just kidding," "(tooting)" "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can," "Yuck," "What's worse," "Hey, get me, I'm messing up time tables, whoa!" "He's gonna play chicken with the train," "♪" "Wow, I shouldn't have had all that tequila, I feel so rocky," "(tooting)" "Aiee!" "The bug on your windshield!" "Hey, this isn't my fault," "I'm taking no kind of paycut for this," "Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train," "(screaming)" "Canned people," "Scorpions just love trains," "We at Amtrak would like to apologize for inconvenience it may have caused, this rarely ever happens," "Oops, not quick enough," "(screaming)" "That's gotta hurt," "I'm hungry for Mexican," "Don't run, just look unappetizing," "He ordered a stinger, heh," "Smear yourself with axle grease, they hate that," "Now, for you folks playing at home, keep in mind, scorpions, unless genetically mutated, do not growl," "It's like a scorpion battle royale happening," "We interrupt this program to bring you a news bulletin," "The express train from Monterey has been derailed outside of Mexico City," "Early reports indicate an appalling loss of life," "Do you know the way to Monterey?" ", State that monster scorpions have swarmed around the wreckage, creating havoc," "One moment, please, we're trying to get through to the emergency‐‐" "But first, perhaps you would like to upgrade your pledge from the $50 to the $100 level," ",Indicate that many of the victims of the disaster are so badly injured, there is little hope of their survival," "It's called death, deal with it," "Ambulances, private cars, trucks, and other vehicles have been commandeered by the authorities in this emergency," "We've received a verified report from the scene of the wreck confirming that 129 persons are killed and hundreds are unaccounted for," "Survivors report that a giant black scorpion has attacked and killed the smaller scorpions, and is now headed for Mexico City," "We were trying to find you," "What can we do?" "Well, don't ask Groucho," "We're still not sure how many of them are left, but I believe the largest may be the only one," "With a lust for blood after the wreck, the scorpions went mad," "The largest killed 4 of them, and I think may have killed the rest of them," "Where is this scorpion?" "We've lost it in the hills, 10 miles out of town," "But the boys are dusting for prints as we speak," "All right, it's 11:00, time to eat now," "It has been seen, let's go," "Better eat first," "♪" "Attention!" "Attention, the city is under martial law!" "All inhabitants living north of Takabaya and west of Guadalupe are ordered to leave‐‐" "Hey, Panama, 1990, what do you know?" "Listen, darling, you get in that building, you stay there," "The Scorpion has not yet reached the city," "(tooting sound)" ",Only one giant black scorpion is alive," "It's Panic Day here in Panama," "I must be crazy to be putting this much on sale!" "Completely surrounding the area where it was last seen," "Panicked young schoolboys, only $15,99," "How do we do it?" "Volume, volume, volume!" "Don't put extension cords under loose rugs," "‐‐thrown into a state of panic, adding greatly‐‐" "How many college students do you think you can fit in this bus?" "‐‐defense of the city," "Rifles and cannons won't stop it," "Major Cocio, here," "Yes?" "We have narrowed the ring one mile around the Sorrentes," "Operation is proceeding," "Okay, that's fine," "Major, take them in front of the stadium with the weapon," "What?" "Major Ortega," "Major Ortega, this is Dr, Vilasko," "Meet us in front of the stadium with the weapon and generator," "With what kind of weapon?" "Is it bigger than a breadbox?" "I hope it is a weapon," "Just now, it is only a prayer," "Let's pretend we understand," "‐‐heavy equipment into the stadium," "Colonel Sanchez," "Colonel Sanchez?" "Dr, Vilasko here," "Move all the heavy equipment into the stadium, right away," "♪" "France, 1940, the Germans cross easily through the French Battalions and Paris falls," "Millions run before the threat of the giant Nazi scorpion," "Wait a second, this isn't Paris," "It's not '41!" "I'm not Little Thomas!" "Serpentine!" "(screeching)" "It's Panic Day's final hours, everything must go!" "Every item in town is on sale!" "Everyone coming in with a black giant scorpion gets in free," "No offer will be considered," "Hot dogs and balloons for the kiddies!" "Oh, hi, crabby," "♪" "The carnage," "You are looking live at blasted‐out Vilagro Stadium where, in just a few minutes, puny local authorities will attempt to take on a giant, bloodthirsty, genetically bloated scorpion," "‐‐enters the throat," "If I'm lucky, Dr, Vilasko, but I have never used a weapon like this before," "Oh, come on, you never worked on a whaling ship?" "Then the insulated wire, which leads to the cable and the generator," "It should give 600,000 volts," "That is, if we can find an outlet," "Fly, monkeys!" "Fly!" "(cackling)" "(screaming)" "Plenty of parking," "♪" "What the‐‐" "You think it'll bring him in here?" "I hope so," "Gee, if you're making soup for 10,000, that's all you need to make a great stock," "You might need more than one shot, Major," "You can't leave those here!" "Damn frat boys," "(screaming)" "Meanwhile in Ancient Greece, the same war raged on," "In the Vatican, Noriega cries, "I need more beef!"" "Nuns load truck after truck of tasty beef in an attempt to quell the hunger of the papal pal," "Yes, yes?" "The scorpion is following the meat wagon," "Looks like a surreal version of the Chuckwagon commercials," "Yah, yah!" "(sniffing)" "Is that you, or is it starting to smell like beef in here?" "There it is," "A fabulous arsenal is assembled," "Tanks, firepower, snowplows, Chevies, huh?" "I can seat you up front, sir," "Wow, you know, Dan Wachowski really puts on a halftime show," "When do the Elvis impersonators come out?" "Well, the missile didn't work, let's send in the bulldozer," "I feel the presence of the great white!" "Watch for her to surface!" "The throat, Major, remember, the white area on the throat," "The head comes back just before it strikes," "Hit him right above the silk scarf," "You beautiful S, O, B, I read your book!" "Let me pad my watch, ding, ding, ding, ding!" "Could you use that mucus shot a few more times?" "Shoot," "You should've used a spinner bait," "Now go out there and get it," "We only had one shot for that," "Whoops," "I'm union, I can't touch it, sorry," "One persistent scorpion," "Aw, we missed the first half," "Oh, nice move, but I gotta wonder if there wasn't a little contact with the ground there," "That would nullify the play," "Let's roll back the instant replay, here," "Yep, there it is, definitely contact with the ground," "Yuck, not again," "I wonder what he wants," "Got to make this good," "The spear's up and it's good!" "Turn it on!" "Mexico 3, scorpion nothing!" "How do you boys like yours done?" "I like mine crispy on the outside," "While Jim subdues the angry scorpion," "I'll mix up a roux for a tasty gravy," "Now, while your scorpion's being cooked, you could fix up a nice salad that could be done when you're ready to serve," "He's down for the count," "You touch him, I'm not gonna touch him," "Turn it off!" "You laughed when I started my soup stock," "♪" "Whoo, little onion, cayenne pepper, whoo, good stock, I guarantee!" "Now we can secure some of the actual poison from the scorpion eater, right?" "All right, serve the salad," "A simple protection against them, if ever again," "Hank, Vilasko wants to‐‐" "Gentlemen, we must not waste any time," "If we could all meet‐‐" "Fresh from his Broadway stint as Lenin," "Hank, Señorita Alvares, we have not yet finished," "‐Neither have we, ‐Oh, we have," "'Twas beauty that killed the beast," "♪" "We better get out of here," "That scorpion's not gonna be drooling anymore, that's for sure," "Nope, let's get out of here," "Is that just a serving suggestion, by the way, there?" "I think so," "♪" "We finally got through that one," "It's the end of the experiment," "It's time for our favorite segment of the show, when we get to read some of the really great fan mail we've been getting up here on the Satellite of Love," "It's juicy self‐indulgence," "Yep, it's great, and this first one comes from a Kevin Covey," "Let's put that up on the screen, Cambot, and Kevin writes," ""I enjoy watching MST3K very much," "The old '50s and '60s black‐and‐white horror and science fiction movies are a passion of mine," "The worse they are, the more I like them," "Anything that gets more than a one‐star rating in the TV Guide is too good to be watched,"" "Well, that says a lot for our show, doesn't it, you guys?" "That's a lot about self‐abuse, too," "Yep, Kevin Covey," "The next one we got is addressed to you, Crow," "It's from Tony Hepdart, from Palo Alto," "He says, "Dear Crow,"" "Let's have an extreme closeup on Crow as I read it," ""Dear Crow, I think you are doing a fantastic job," "I find your commentary, for the most part, insightful and relevant," "There are times, however, when it appears as though you are forcing the issue,"" "Hah, sike!" ""Just trying a little too hard," "I understand the frustration you must feel," "Given the fact that you're such a unique entity in your field,"" "True, I'm an artist, subject to moods," ""You must feel as though your crow‐ness somehow stands out as a glaring defect, lessens your credibility in the public mind," "Because of this, you sometimes talk simply to be heard, simply to say 'Hey, I'm crow,'"" "No, I don't think so, I don't just talk simply to be heard," "I have a reason behind my thoughts," ""Simply to say 'Hey, I'm Crow, look at me,'" "And this, my friend, is dangerous stuff," "I sense you are slightly ill at ease at being the only Crow host on TV," "By trying to prove to the others that you are indeed capable of the task at hand, you actually do damage to your own cause," "I realize the pressure you are under, and wish only the best for you and Servo,"" "That's enough, I think that's great, thank you," ""These remarks were not intended to be scathing, but rather as helpful aids to your future success,"" "No, thank you very much," "This is great," "Thanks, Tom, loser," "What do you think of the experiment, sirs?" "What about the address?" "Oh, the address, we always forget that," "Do you want to do it, Tom Servo?" "Cambot, put it up on screen for the folks on Earth," "It's the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 Information Club," "P, O, Box 5325, Hopkins Minnesota, 55343," "Have the biggest brain on your block," "That's it, sirs, what do you think?" "I think the swelling's going down," "Yes, and I think you should file this," "Here," "Bye," "Until next time, Mr, Skin On Wiener," "♪"