"So there we were." "Elliott about to get married." "Me about to have a baby with Kim." "careening toward to kiss." "We're both terrified because either one of us could back out the last second, leaving the other kissing the air, and feeling like a fool." "Ah, the point of no-return." "The closing of the eyes." "Time to dive..." "Elliott?" "JD, what are we doing?" "How the hell d'she do that?" "Look, what almost happened in there is not about us." "Of course not." "Please..." "Us?" "We were both just on the verge of making giant commitments," " and as usual we are freaking out." " You're right, and you know what?" "We can't let fears screw our relationships." "Who wants to end like Snoop Dogg intern?" " Hey!" " Sorry, Snoop Dogg resident." " Hey!" " Snoop Dogg attending?" " That's right, baby." "All right." "The point is he hasnt' told Josephine that she gives him wowsers in his trousers." "Hey, be cool, be cool man." "I'm working on it." "I'm with you dog, just keep it real." "What do we do now?" "Nothing." "Nothing happened, so we never have to speak of this again." "Hey!" " Keith?" " Keith?" "Keith?" "Wait, I was alrady surprised out loud?" "I was lonely at home, so I decided to come by and say hi." "Oooh!" "And then I had one of those weird, crystallizing moments when everything becomes so clear." "I mean, I should've been relieved that Keith haven't shown up earlier, and walked in on JD and me." "But I wasn't." "I wished he had caught us." "'Cause the truth is..." "I don't wanna marry him." " Shut up!" " Uuuuuh!" "Honestly I think..." "I let it get this far because of how much I wanna be married, you know." " God, I wanna be married." " Baby..." "Hey, I'm sorry for barging in so late," "I hope I didn't interrupt anything important..." " Oh..." " Actually, since I'm diabetic," "Carla only lets me eat one candy bar every 6 months, so she was helping me choose which one to go with." "First, we cut out all candy that sounds remotely racist, which includes all jerk chocolate, and I know this sounds weird but," "JoojooBees." "Then Carla was like "What about Junior Mints?", and I was like... "Junior Mints?"" "Baby, if I want my candy to freshen my breath," "I'd just lap some toothpaste on'em..." "watch him to call and ball and go to town on that bad boy, you know what I'm saying?" "She knows I'm changing the subject 'cause she's sad." "Come here, come here, Elliot." "Hmmm, hmmm." "No." "Ok." "What did he ask you?" "Oh, he just wanted to know if there's anything I needed." "Elliott?" "He asked me if they still make Mars bars." "Come on Bob, there's an empty table right there." "I'll leave for 10 dollars." "Pleasure doing business." "Hey, friends." "What, are you bored up there?" " So, how did it go with Keith?" " I haven't told him yet." "His whole family's in town for the wedding, and so my house is filled as a freaking Rafters with the Dudemaisters." "You know how my college girlfriend, Stacy, broke up with me?" "She arranged it so that when I came home from class," "I was able to see her riding in pleasure beneath a big, brown butt." "How many times do I have to apologize for that?" "I still have nightmares about your cheeks, Turk, just bouncing, and bouncing." "Can't sleep." "Ok... now or never." "Keith!" "Hey there, future Mrs. Dudemeister!" "Actually I'm not sure we decided whether or not am I taking your last name." "You know what?" "That's not important..." "Keith, we need to talk." " What's the matter?" " I don't even know how to start this..." "Keith, I've been thinking..." " I don't feel right watching this." " It's not just us..." "That's it." "It's over." "Aww!" "Aww!" " JD!" " No, Snoop Dog attending, finally told Josephine how he feels." "Aww!" "Hey, everybody, look." "A rainbow." "Aww!" "Itasa Scrubs Team proudly presents" "Scrubs Season 7 Episode 1 "My Own Worst Enemy" VO subtitles" "Transcript: gi0v3, Teorouge, Matters JDsClone, Supersimo" "AKA The italian Scrubs Addicted" "Synch  Revision: gi0v3" "It had been a while since my near kiss with Elliot and the dust was finally starting to settle." " Daddy's home!" " Come here, check out these big pregnant apple feet." "Wow!" "Those are truly disgusting." "Right?" "I missed you." "Elliot had broken up with Keith and everything looked great from me and Kim, still, to see how we got there, I have to go back a week." "One week earlier" "So, how's Keith?" "Carla." "Pig whore." "Better actually." "Used to be "Stupid Pig Whore"." "It's only been a few days and he's already dropped an adjective." "Wow!" "Maybe by the weekend you'll just be "whore"." "Hey, Kim." "I know because I work we haven't seeing in a while, but do you mind if I grab a drink with Turk, tonight?" "Tell'er my dad died." "Go have fun with your friend." "I'm gonna stand in and eat." "Thanks, babe." "Bye." "See Turk?" "Now we can see that dead didine and go to see the new panda baby at the zoo." " Oh, It's to late for that." "She died." " Not Ming Ming?" " Her mama sat on her and then ate her." " Stupid nature." "I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim." "What's wrong with me?" "You're an annoying, whining man-child." " That question wasn't directed to you!" " What question?" "Mr. Hotneck, I see here you were admitted for swollen lymphnode and abdonimal pain." " I'm also having heart palpitations." " Oh, I think I can help you with that." "Well, you see, I'm very, very handsome." "I was gonna say." "Beardface, what you say?" "It's Beardface'!" "Why did you people insist on calling me Beardface!" " Ehm. may I?" " Go for it." "Well, I-I just got here, but if I had to guess" "I would say it's 'cause your face is... 5/6 beard." "Damn you!" "Carla, which resident ordered a CAT scan on Mr. Herschlossning?" "That would be me, pig whore, it's on the note." "Oh, can't pig whore read?" "Ah, Pig Whore Reid!" "See, your last name is Reid, so it works two ways." "Keith's been totally unprofessional," "And you were supposed to marry him, last weekend?" "Speaking of which, I gave you a very hied cappuccino maker, and seeing is there aren't going to be any nuptials..." " Yeah, yeah." "You'll get it back." " Great." "Keith and I have to work toghether." "How am I supposed to fix this?" "You can't." "You just gotta let him hate you you for a while." "No, we can get through this." "I'm gonna talk to him." "Hey, wait a minute." "We've only got one cappuccino maker and it was from my brother Barry." "Worth the shot." "Sorry, you gonna answer me or not?" "Come on, man." "You know why you almost screwed things up with Kim," " don't make me say it." " Hi fine." "The heart truth rule is in effect." "Only heart truth on me, so you will wanna me or you'll feel guilty." " JD, we don't even..." " When you sweat a lot, you smell like eggs." "That's not even true!" " Did Carla tell you to say that?" " No, why, did she think that too?" "No." "All right, fine." "You wanna know why you are almost blowed with Kim?" "That's because your knocked her up on your first date, and before you could get to know her, she betraded you." "Now you don't have strong feelings for her and the only reason why you guys are still together is because there's a kid envolved." "Which means you gonna stick it out with her till the end whether you love her or not." "I don't know man, I don't think that's true." "I don't think it's about her." "I think it's about me." "I've sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in." "Look at it." "Mole-butt, Tina two-kids, Rumple-fuggly, Gift-shop Girl." "None of those girls were good for you anyway." "Except for Mole-butt." " I didn't even know Rumple-fuggly was a girl!" " Stop it!" "Fug was awesome." "Lyme disease and..." "how on Earth could I possibly have figured out such a tough diagnosis so darn quickly?" "Because I'm that good." "One more time for emphasis..." "I'm that good." "Wooooo!" "Now I'm gonna have this incredibly fun-size intern give you quick body-check for tick bites, tip-toes?" "Oh, she-she's cute." "And once she has found the telltale bullseye shaped mark we'll be able to start trigging you." "How does that sound, Mr Hotneck?" "Please... call me Joe." " Gotta get that guy out of here." " Why?" "Is he a jerk?" "No, I..." "I think I like him." " What smells like eggs?" " Nothing sir, you're imagining." " What's wrong with liking a patient?" " I'm not you." "I don't get to introduce myself to patients, do a minor surgery, recommend a good mortician to family and that just be on my way." "I have to treat people, and If I like them well, that makes me wanna work harder much harder." "Really... who has time for that, right?" "Seriously..." "Am I having a stroke or is someone making an homelette?" "Hey Keith." "You came to your house while I'm packing all my stuff, even though you promised not to be here." "Awesome." "Well, you know you can't take my word." "I mean, I also promised to marry you last Saturday, right?" "Right?" "I know... too soon." "I'm sorry." "But, come on." "We loved too-soon jokes." "Come on now." "Let's see the chuckle..." "Uh?" "Here it comes..." "I think I see it... bubbling up!" "You're not making me start laughing." "Because you know that if I start laugh..." "You start!" "Ok, you know what, this is why was so easy to walk out on you." " I finally figured out what's wrong with me." " You're an annoying whiny man-child." "I'm a self-saboteur." "And not just in relationships." "In everything." "But you know what?" "I'm done with all that." "I'm not gonna shoot myself in the foot anymore." " What is it, funsize?" " I checked Mr Hotneck all over," " but I couldn't find the tick bite." " Oh my God." "I gotta go figure this out." "I can't believe..." "Oh, and by the way, you've a ridicolous speaking voice, did you..." "And even tough I wanted to ask Snoop how he could spend a second listening to that voice without killing himself," "I didn't." "Yep!" "No more bringing trouble my way by saying things like:" " Who are the flowers for?" " My girlfriend." " You've a girlfriend?" " Just cause I'm Janitor means" " No woman could possibly be attracted to me?" " Noooo." "Yees." "There she is, right down there." "Really?" "What's her name?" " Lady." " Lady?" " You don't believe me?" " Well, let's just say you've lied to me before." "Watch this." "Hey lady!" "Stay there." "Don't..." "Don't come down here." "I'll get these to you later." "You witness." " Just pick a candy, T-dog." " Shut up!" "You've no idea how important this is to me." "And then I had this weird..." "crystalizing moment." "I realized..." "I didn't have to choose the candy." "I could just let the candy choose me." " So what you get?" " Bit O'Honey." " Oh!" "I'm so, so sorry." " Don't be." "I ate that bad boy and I own a half going on," "I'm still pulling bits of it out of my teeth." "Oh my God, Gandhidiot." "We'd be all be better served if we fill this patient with the creamy caramel center." "Then, would you tell me whether or not he needs surgery?" "It's not an acute abdomen, so it's not a surgical issue." "Why can't anyone figure out what's wrong with me?" "I won't let you down." " I'm sorry I can't help Mr. Hotneck." " Oh, please, call me Joe." "I'm so sight to call him Joe." " He's got this magical quality too." " Uh, you telling me?" " What can I do to help?" " Gumbo," "I honestly don't know what to do next." "I do." "Some phrases stink, no matter how the're said." "They can be barked by a sworn enemy." "Get the hell out of here!" "Or hissed by a gilted ex stealing a lamp." "Elliot, just get the hell out of here!" "Or even plainly stated in a veteran doctor suading tone." "Goodbye everybody, I'll see you tomorrow!" "Not her!" "Fellows." "If your symptoms have subsided and you can't find an underline cause, his insurance won't cover." "You have to tell Mr. Hotneck to get the hell out of here." "Hey Joe." "When someone tells you to get the hell out, you don't have a lot of options." "You can ignore them..." "Where are you taking me?" "Joe, we're turfing you to dermatology to buy ourselves some time." "Gandhi, how's that mole looking?" " Nice and cancerous." " Well done!" "Or you can take a more direct approach." " No, Keith." "I'm not leaving." " Oh, awesome." "Why does it have to be like this?" "I care about you so much." "I don't wanna lose you for my life." "Well, you're going to." "Because, from now on, Pigwhore, you're dead to me." " You did what?" "!" "?" " I know..." "I am a pigwhore." "What am I going to do now?" "Would you two kindly shut your respective cakeholes?" "We're trying to figure out what's wrong with Joe, here." "Big news, Sports' Fans!" "I decided to start calling everyone Sports' Fans." "Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the jokey tipe but I watched Hoosiers last night, and I like sports now." "Anybody have any objections?" "Marjory?" "Shocking." "You're usually the one who has..." "something to say about everything..." "I know you're the one who started the rumor that I like dudes." "Allright, Sports' Fans!" "I've almost gone an entire day without sabotaging myself." "Hello?" "That's it!" "Ladies and gentleman." "Welcome to the first annual Sacred Heart "Who-cares-ease" Awards, designed to honour those people who believe that others actually give a rat's ass about the manushia of their lives." "The weird thing was I think we all really wanted to win." "And the nominees are..." "Barby Reid for: "What am I going to do about my ex-fiancee"." "Dame Judy Dorian for: "I'm done self-sabotaging"." "Gandhi for: "I've got candy in my teeth"." "The Todd for: "Look at my new shirt"." "SHHH!" "DONG SLEEPING" "And the winner is..." "Dame Judy Dorian!" "This is Dame Judy Dorian's first nomination and first win." "Suck on that, Tony Shalhoub!" "Perry, why the hell is Hotneck still here?" "Put him on the street." "You win." "But would you do us a favour and you deliver the news to Hotneck yourself?" "I'll be glad to." "Hi." "I'm Bob Kelso." "Mr. Hotneck, is it?" "Please, call me Joe." "Think, fellows, think." "We have to figure out what's wrong with Joe." "I've done it!" "An entire day without sabotaging myself." "I'm sorry, but I don't even know who you are." "Ohoh!" "It seems like a strange thing for a girlfriend to say, isn't it?" "Hold on one second, I've to grab this." "Yello?" "Oh yes, he's here." "It's the Truth calling." "Wants to know why you never tell it." "Ah!" "I mean really, who are you?" "A necklace of my name on it?" "The man I met was sweet but I had no idea how sweet." "Ah!" "You got to get some!" "Ah!" "Just had to do the phone bid, didn't ya?" " Her name's Lady?" " Yeah." " Whose name's Lady?" " She is." "She's got a brother named Him, what do you care?" "Seriously, why do you force me to make your life miserable?" "And I really didn't have an answer for him." "You know what I don't have an answer for?" "Why I'm going to line-dancing with Keith tonight." "Stupid pig-whore." " JD, you're not that self-destructed." " Really?" "I was gonna suggest he'd seek professional help." "Would you be interested in seeing a kindative therapist?" "'Cause I know a guy, he's good, and he give you his card, then I'm gonna bash your head in." " I'll see you in the morning." " Timing at 7." "Well, on it." "Screw it." "I'm just gonna marry Keith." " Maybe he'll die young..." " When did we become such ridiculous, pathetic people?" "Why do you two think you're different from anyone else?" "JD, I get it my way all the time." "Like this morning, I was getting late, and I got toothpaste on my upper lip, and even though I knew Turk was watching," "I didn't wipe it off with my hand, I went like this:" "Huh, 'morning." "And Elliot, I'm sorry but you're not the first person that ever slept with her ex, ok?" " Is there a point in this?" " Yes..." "And pay attention, because I don't wanna be saying that in 2 weeks:" "You're bot humans... give yourselves a break, ok?" "Fair enough." "I can't look at these medical books anymore." "We're getting nowhere." " How d'you do, BeardFace?" " It's Beardface'." " Beardface'." " Calm down, Seymour." "If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta shave the beard. 'Course," " then you'd be Doctor Face!" " Ha!" "Doctor Face." "Damn you all!" "I wonder what he's hiding under all that hair." "That's it!" " What's it?" " Interns are idiots." "Ockham's... razor." "There you are." "Uhm, do you wanna go straight out, or do you wanna go back to our place, and get some food first?" "We have to talk." "Oh, my God, I can't believe I have to do this again." " Do what again, babe?" " Well, uhm..." " Feel so bad for them." " Mwah, me too." "But actually I never really cared for Keith, or his farm boy looks, but now it wasn't time for that." "Hey, Kim." "Get your butt home, already." "We haven't seen each other in days." "But you missed me?" "Of course I do." "But the truth was I didn't." "And then I had this weird, cristallyzing moment, you see, there's an ancient principle you hear a lot about medicine:" "that the simplest, most obvious answer is usually the correct one." "It's called "Ockham's Razor!"" "It could mean your first thing think was right, and it was Leym's disease." "Bullseye!" "And there's kickpie." "Let's put him on a hundred milligrams of ceftine." "Joe, you're gonna be fine." "Thank you, guys." "Sincerely." "Or that your best friend was right." "And you have to let you ex-fiancee hate you for a while." "Goodnight, you skanky scorehair pig whore." "Did you hear all the new adjectives?" "Come here." " You're not scorehair." " I know..." "In my case, it was never about sabotaging myself." " Daddy's home." " Come here." "Check out these big pregnant hiperfeet." " Wow, those are truly disgusting." " Right?" "!" "I missed you." "It was the simple answer, just like Turk said." "I had knocked up a girl on our first date, and I don't have strong feelings for her, and probably never will." "And the only reason we're still together is because there's a kid involved, which means I'm gonna stay with her, until the very end," "whether I love her, or not."