"( theme music playing )" "the sun is shining, the scent of france is in the air, you would not think i had a care in the world." "if i were not hiding two british airmen and two girls of the communist resistance, and if i had not just robbed a bank and stolen 1,000,000 francs of gestapo money you would be right." "i am now about to feed the carrier bird that will take the microfilm of the german plan for the invasion of england direct to london." "now you may think the bird i am referring to is a carrier pigeon." "you would be wrong." "the r.a.f. have provided us with a long distance duck." "you have been very quiet in there." "come on, it is breakfast time." "come on." "( quacking )" "( ducklings peeping )" "my god, she has given birth to a whole squadron." "oh, look at those little babies." "oh, what does that make you think of?" "green peas and stuffing." "oh, rene. why do we not run away to paris now?" "we have the money from the bank that we robbed." "no, no, yvette." "that money was too hot." "we do not have it anymore." "where is it?" "i helped lieutenant gruber to stuff it down his trousers." "1,000,000 francs?" "are you mad?" "we could have lived on that forever." "i do not think you want to marry me at all!" "shush!" "keep your voice down." "i am never going to live happily ever after." "rene!" "what were you doing with your arms around that girl?" "you stupid woman." "she was faint from hunger." "she cries to see the food being given to the ducks." "oh, you poor child." "you must build up your strength." "here, have some potato peelings." "thank you." "do not be ungrateful, eat them up." "yes, uncle heinrich." "of course, uncle heinrich." "i am talking to himmler." "himmler?" "aagh!" "shush!" "do not listen." "yes, uncle heinrich, but with respect, the gestapo money that was stolen from the bank was not genuine francs." "they were forged francs." "yes, of course, it is the principle of the thing." "do not worry, uncle, i will detect the miscreants and bring them to justice." "but uncle, you cannot expect me to shoot everyone in the town." "i am unpopular enough as it is." "yes, uncle." "by the way, is there any chance of a postal order to tide me over?" "he hung up?" "von smallhausen?" "von smallhausen!" "pay attention." "we must trace the whereabouts of the stolen money." "but how, herr flick?" "what is the first thing people do with stolen money?" "they hide it in the mattress." "no, they do not." "they divide it up amongst themselves." "what do they do then?" "they spend it." "no, they do not." "they hide it in a mattress." "what happens then?" "i do not like to say, herr flick." "always somebody makes a mistake." "what is this mistake?" "they send the mattress to the cleaners." "no, they do not." "they spend some of it." "and what do they spend it on?" "excuse me... luxury goods?" "possibly." "but possibly not." "more likely food." "we will disguise ourselves as market traders." "the first person who spends one of the forged notes will be arrested and interrogated until he leads us to the source." "900 and 65, 900 and 70," "975,000 francs." "i thought the ransom was a million?" "are you sure there's no more down your trousers?" "search me." "i will take your word for it." "i suggest we give it anonymously to herr flick and put an end to the matter." "don't let us be hasty, gruber." "975,000 francs buys a lot of strudel." "colonel, i have seen herr flick." "he is mad as a snake." "should he find out i know the whereabouts of the money, i shudder to think what may be my fate." "so do not tell him." "two for you, two for me." "one for you." "two for you, two for me." "one for you." "colonel, why am i to receive only one?" "because you are a woman." "two for you, two for me, one for you." "i am a woman with a big mouth." "two for you, two for you... colonel, my friend!" "ah!" "the beautiful lady." "i kiss your hand." "lieutenant gruber, how are you getting on, eh?" "what do i see?" " what indeed." " the big the lolly." "this the money what you steal from the bank for the ransom, no?" " yes!" " ow!" "so keep off it your wop hands." "colonel, i see you have the share out." "why you no include your friend alberto?" "why should we include you?" "because i can drop you in the you-know-what, and you not come out smelling of the roses." "two for you, two for you." "colonel?" "i was standing outside the door, and i could not help but hear your conversation." "is there a little something for me?" "how about a posting to the russian front?" "i cannot be sent to the russian front... on medical grounds." "why, what's the matter?" "it's my memory, colonel." "what were we talking about?" "get out!" "two for you, two for you." "( knocking on door )" "michelle, what are you doing?" "this is my cover." "as a window cleaner i can move from house to house without arousing suspicion." "how about putting water in your bucket?" "listen very carefully, i will say this only once." "our organization in abbeville has succeeded in photographing the plans for the invasion." "i have the microfilm." "i will give it to you." "you will attach it to the leg of the long distance duck." "the duck will then transport it to london." "is anyone looking?" "the whole village will be, if you don't hurry up." "for this you will need a long distance albatross." "the microfilm is hidden beneath the stamp." "steam it off and attach it to the leg of the duck with a corn plaster." "there is a problem with that duck." "she has just given birth to five little ducks." "so?" "if you take her away from them now they will die." "put them under a warm tea cozy and feed them every four hours with a fountain pen filler." "i am not going to wet-nurse a duck." "i have a business to run." "then find a broody hen." "who will teach them to swim?" "and think of the mother-- if she is taken away from them now, she won't reach calais before she gets post-natal depression." "i am working for the resistance trying to win the war and you are working for duck welfare." "that duck leaves today." "hang on, you have not finished my windows." "screw your windows." "what are you doing with a fruit basket on your head?" "i am going shopping for food." "and talking of food, how much longer do we have to hide these communist resistance girls?" "i expect the search will be over in a few days and then they will be able to leave." "they are eating me out of house and home." "they are like animals." "i know." "rene?" "the one called denise laroque, is she the same denise laroque who was your childhood sweetheart, who held you captive against your will, who has the hots for you and wanted to marry you and threatened to kill me if i got in the way?" "no. this is a different denise laroque altogether." "rene, let me look into your eyes." "i can always tell if you are lying." "i see it is the truth." "oh, rene, i am so happy." "i made these sandwiches for mamma." "you take them to her, my angel." "of course, my sweetheart." "rene?" "( rene screams )" " rene!" " denise!" "i knew you would come to me, passion of my life." "just the sight of your brave face has made me giddy." "it is probably the smell of mothballs that i have just crushed under my feet." "you have brought me sandwiches." "let me eat before we make love." "attractive though this may be, i cannot stay at the moment." "i am overrun with germans." "have you made any plans to escape?" "i will stay here till everything dies down." "oh, as long as that." "then we will kill the woman you are living with, bury her in the garden and hide together in the sewers of paris, popping up from time to time to kill the hated enemy." "i can hardly wait." "kiss me as if there were no tomorrow." "but it is only 11:00 on the morning of today." "this looks like a good pitch." "we will sell our fish." "i have the winkles, i have the winkles, alive alive-o!" "i have the crabs, i have the crabs, alive alive-o!" "von smallhausen, you will drive people away." "you are not a good fish seller." "i'm sorry, herr flick." "please, tell me what to do." "conger, conger." "♪ la la la la la-la la la la la la-la. ♪" "pooh, your fosh is very pingy." "go away." "you cannot spoke like thos to an ifficer of the loo." "where is your strait treeders loosence?" "oh, gestoopo." "i will have a pound of wonkles." "what are wonkles?" "these are wonkles." "winkles." "what part of france do you come from?" "i am half itoolian." " itoolian?" " yes, itoolian." "i think he means italian." "i was brought up in nipples." "nipples?" "yes, you know the old sooing?" "see nipples and do." "return to me as soon as you are able." "of course." "and next time bring the mustard." "( rene screams ) rene!" "louise!" "i have been in this wardrobe all night thinking of you." "i thought i would explode with passion." "lucky you kept the door closed." "i see you have brought me food so i may build up my strength, so that we can run away together." "i do not think two sardines and a bit of cress will help you run away very far." "let us kill denise and hide her body in a disused refrigerator and fly away to the alps where we can drop rocks on the germans." "oh, what a romantic notion." "unfortunately we use our disused refrigerator, but the moment it breaks down, i will let you know." "only one sandwich left for my wife's mother." "still, at her age she does not need much." "what is it that you do to them all?" "what is it about this face that drives them to such blinding passion?" "still... not bad for 32." "rene!" "not now." "good morning, monsieur alphonse." "a good morning, my adorable madame edith." "magnificent." "how handsome you look this morning." "the aroma surrounding you is most tantalizing." "better than the rest of the market place." "( chuckles ) i have been to the hairdresser to have my moustache restyled." "the pomade that they use is their own preparation." "it is made from badger grease and rose petal water." "how it glistens in the morning light." "natural products are always the best, are they not?" "undoubtedly." "i also had my hair shampooed with extract of hedgehog." "it has given it a lot of body." "it has its drawbacks." "if ever it hears a motor hooter, it clenches itself into a ball." "good morning." "wonkles, wonkles, who will buy my wonkles?" "good morning, fishmonger." "i have not seen you here before." "we are new around here." "which is more than i can say for your fish." "three cod's heads for the cat." "look. this is a forged bank note." "we are the gestapo." "you are under arrest." "you will come with us for interrogation." "gentlemen, i am an innocent man." "i am monsieur alphonse, the respected undertaker." "i am entirely innocent." "then why is your hair standing on end in fright?" "hmm?" "you will come with us." "no, no, gentlemen." "no, gentlemen, please." "this is a foolish mistake." "madame edith, help me, please!" "madame edith!" "( knock on door ) who is it?" "it is rene." "are you decent?" "i have been decent since august 1922." "what do you want?" "i have brought you your lunch." "( joyful ) oh." "oh." "half a crummy sardine sandwich?" "how am i supposed to live?" "stop whinging, you old bat." "there's a war on." "ooh." "if one of my late husbands were alive to hear you talk to me like that, he would horsewhip you." "they are not alive, are they?" "no, no." "that is why i shall have to do it myself!" "what is happening?" "this hooligan has gone mad." "stop it, mamma!" "stop it!" "he is no good. ahh." "you must marry monsieur alphonse, and give him the bum's rush." "something terrible has happened to monsieur alphonse." "he has been arrested by the gestapo." " what?" " gestapo!" "( spitting )" "why has he been arrested?" "he passed one of the bank notes we stole from the bank." "it was a forgery." "what?" "where did he get it?" "he had been to the hairdresser." "michelle used some of the stolen money there." "my god, it will all be traced to us." "no. monsieur alphonse loves me." "he will die before he gives me away." "edith?" "if he dies before he marries you, who will get his money?" "the home for distressed undertakers." "well, you must rescue him." "make him sign the will and then hand him back." "michelle!" "monsieur alphonse has been arrested by the gestapo." "i know. we must get on the radio." "i have a plan." "ooh!" "this is your fault, michelle." "you used some of that money to have your hair done." "for weeks i have not had my hair done." "as head of the resistance, i have a position to maintain." "'allo, london." "standby for a message." "'allo, kingfisher." "'allo, kingfisher." "this is blue tit, this is blue tit." "pass your message, blue tit." "please send two pairs of 15 denier stockings and a packet of suicide pills, the quick ones." "message received." "is the duck ready?" "is the duck ready?" "i will look up the code." "it is not code." "look out the window." "yes, the duck is ready." "we need the invasion plans at once." "the wind is favorable." "release the duck immediately." "message received." "we will prepare the duck for launch." "oh!" "a duck for lunch." "did you attach the microfilm to the leg of the duck with the corn plaster?" " it is done." " good." "do you have the long distance dick?" "in the box and ready for take off." "i will mauve these peasants out of the wee and make a clear pith." "ah, there you are chaps." "i say, michelle, what's going on?" "we're flying the invasion plans to england by fast duck." "just think, rene, in a moment it will be soaring above the clouds taking with it the plans of the invasion." "we hope." "rene, let me release it." "very well, if you wish, edith." "this will go down in history as the turning point in the struggle of the oppressed people of the world against the jackboots of fascist imperialists." "( loud quacking )" "( theme music playing )"