"[knock at door]" "Hi, Alan." "What did you want to see me about?" "Well, I got the bill from the clubhouse at the golf course." "Oh." "I needed a new visor, and then that didn't match my shirt, and then the skirt was wrong, and then it snowballed into shoes." "Sorry." "No, it's David." "He's really living some lifestyle down here." "Drinks at the pool, golf, late lunches." "When did our son turn into my second wife?" "Let him be." "What he be is expensive." "He worked his butt off for 12 years in New York." "He's relaxing now." "It's a good thing." "See, that's why he's in this position." "He's been coddled." "He's been loved." "It's good for his self-esteem." "Self-esteem, that's silly." "Self-loathing, that's what drives you." "Oh, hi, sweetie." "How are you?" "Mom, I am great." "I figured something out." "I had a major epiphany." "[gasps] Really?" "Is it something important to do with your life?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "I totally fixed my golf swing." "Yeah." "Well, me and the pro." "I mean, those lessons are really paying off." "That's great, son, but your mom and I were just wondering..." "Your dad was wondering." "I'm on your side." "What's your next move?" "Do you have a plan?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I think about it sometimes." "I mean, I've done the corporate thing, so for me, the important thing is" "I want to do something I like that's fun." " Perfectly legitimate." " Thank you." "Complete hooey." "Hooey?" "But, dad, you said... and I remember this... you said that if I was stuck in a job I hated, I should quit." "I never said you should quit." "That's not how it went." "The point is, it's a slippery slope you're on." "Alan, every time you give him advice, something bad happens." "You're like a mis-fortune cookie." "No, no, no, mom, it's okay." "Dad has a point." "You know what, dad?" "I will give some serious thought to what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life." "Well, I know what you're gonna do tomorrow." "Oh, yeah?" "What?" "You've got seven job interviews." "[laughing] Right." "Good one, dad, yeah." "How crazy would it be if you actually went out and did that?" "That would be... oh, my God, you did!" "Retired at 35 1x09" " Workin' Man Original air date March 16, 2011" "I can't believe your dad wants you to get a job." "Does he know what that'll do to your golf swing?" "David, this is so exciting." "So what kind of jobs are you up for?" "Oh, my dad set up a bunch of meetings." "It's mostly corporate stuff." "Uh, one is associate director of digital media sales for the southeast corridor." "Is that even a real job?" "I got a buddy who does that." " Really?" " No." "But if David gets the job," "I'll have a buddy who does that." "Hello, boys." " Hey, Susan." " Hi, sweetie." "Hey, mom." "Listen, I gotta get back to work." "But, mom, you can hang out and chat with my boyfriend." "Look at that." "I have a boyfriend." "Well, that makes one of us." "If you run into an old rich guy at the bar, send him my way." "Don't I always?" " Right back." " Okay." "Now that the kids are paired up, what say the adults spend some adult time doing adult things?" "Brandon, sweetheart, do me a favor and go get me a soda water, and if a little vodka falls in, it won't exactly ruin my day." "Vodka Falls sounds like the greatest vacation spot ever." "So, David, how are you?" "Oh, I'm good." "Yeah, no, I'm really good." "I'm so good, I'm super." "You seem a little nervous." "Oh, yeah." "Well, you know, it's probably just 'cause my dad set up a bunch of interviews for me for tomorrow." "And it's not because we slept together, and just two seconds ago, you were kissing my daughter?" "Hadn't crossed my mind in the least." "David, listen to me." "I'm glad you're dating Jessica." "I think you two are good together." "What happened between you and me is ancient history." " Really?" " Yes." "I've had 17 lovers since you." " What?" " Kidding." "Gosh, you're fun to mess with." "Where's my drink?" "[knock at door]" "Did I miss him?" "Is he gone yet?" "Not yet." "He's been getting ready for over an hour." "It's like Project Runway in there." "He didn't take one of those long showers like in high school, did he?" "It used to make him very sleepy." "Okay, all ready for my interviews, took a nice, long shower..." " How do I look?" " Oh, great." "I'm sure it's gonna go wonderfully, honey." "You ready to conquer the world?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "I mean, you know, look, it's been 12 years since I've been on an interview, and I know it's really tough out there," " but I feel very good." " Good." "And if for some reason it's not going well, ask them about their mother." "That always works." "People love mothers." "But not their mother-in-law." "Don't bring that up." "Have fun." "You can do this." "Don't be nervous." "Be yourself and stand up straight." "Mom, I was in business for a long time." "I can handle this." "I am an adult." "Of course, you are." "[baby voice] Who's my little man?" "So I had a successful 12-year run at a very profitable Manhattan chopsticks company, but I left because life is about finding your bliss, your reason for being, and for me, that's... the selling of manufactured service industry uniforms." "I say what's life without risk?" "Without taking some chances and throwing caution to the wind?" "I expect it's the same devil-may-care attitude that made you Florida's largest Bible maker." "Oh, hell, I said "devil." I'm sorry." "And I've always found that success in business really depends on your people skills." "Isn't that right, Doug?" "I'm sorry..." "Dave?" "Dave?" "It was Doug, wasn't it?" "Mike!" "Hey, how's your mother?" "That is a wonderful picture of her, by the way." "That's my wife." "Oh!" "Do you validate?" "Come on, buddy." "Cheer up." "The sun's out, birds are chirping." "Oh, no, no." "No, they're not chirping." "They're mocking." "They're mocking birds." "David, just take a break from the couch." "It's the middle of the afternoon." "For the working man, it's the middle of the afternoon." "For me, it's permanent midnight." "There's my sweet ray of sunshine." "One day, the sun's gonna burn out, and we'll all be dead." "Uh, honey, sitting there all day isn't gonna help." "You know what, mom?" "You're right." "So I'm gonna go find a swamp and see if the alligators are feeding." "I knew this would happen." "You rushed him back out there, and he got crushed." "He'll be okay." "You gotta have the rough times in order to have the good times." "I'll show you rough times." "I may have a warm, fuzzy exterior, but know this... you broke my baby, and you better fix him, or I will come down on you like a stiletto heel on a cockroach!" "Warm, fuzzy exterior?" "The thing is, I only have one son, and I've messed him up." "Sons are like pancakes." "First one's always a throwaway." "Takes two or three to really hit your stride." "So, how is Elaine taking it?" "She said she wished she hadn't left me before so she could leave me now." "It is a thankless job being a man." "Anything goes wrong, it's your fault." "Just for one day, I would like to be a woman." "Maybe for one weekend." "Don't make me picture you as a woman." "Look, at least there's hope for your son." "With mine, every picture I have, he's in an orange jumpsuit." "Your son's in prison?" "No, he's just weird." " Hello, Alan." " Susan, hi." "I'm so sorry to hear about David's interviews." "What is it, already all over the internets?" "Here you go, mom." "I counted to eight when I poured it." "I might need one of those eight counts." "Don't feel bad, Alan." "You're doing the right thing." "You can't just let him be." "Of course not, but all his mom wants to do is coddle him." "I learned my lesson too late with Jessica." "Four years of college, three years of graduate school, and she works here." "You see this?" "This is an $86,000 drink." "What do you tip om something like that?" "Susan, what do you do when you want to give a man confidence?" "I tell him it happens all the time and we can just cuddle." "That is a loving woman right there." "The thing is, if David just had a chance, he'd be a great employee." "Oh, he really would." "Well, maybe you could hire him at the real estate office." "I wish I could, but I don't even have the money for an extra employee right now." "What if you did?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, what if I gave you the money, and then you used it to pay David's salary?" "That is a very sneaky and manipulative thing to do to your child." "You're a good father." "Thank you." "But wait." "Isn't paying his salary so he can have a job a form of coddling?" "Not if he doesn't know." "[taps on door]" "Hey, Susan." "David Robbins reporting for duty." "Wow, early for your first day at work." "Looks like somebody's bucking for employee of the month." "Listen, Susan, I just..." "I want to tell you" "I really appreciate the chance, and I will do whatever you need me to do, so, uh..." "So let's take that hill." "What's my first mission?" "David, this is a real estate office, not a bunker." "So you can stop with the military metaphors." "Roger that, commander." "Sorry." "So, what do you need me to do?" "I need you to water the plants." "But they're fake." "That's why I hired you." "Attention to detail." "Well, I've got a lunch." "I'll be back in six hours." "Ahem." "Jacaranda Realty." "David Robbins here." "How may I help you?" "That's too long." "[tapping phone on desk]" "Jacaranda R., David R. here." "J.R., D.R, and you are?" "[phone rings] God." "Hello?" "Oh, hi." "Well, yes." "Yes, I am." "Well, that would be fantastic." "Yes, and I would love for you to stop by." "Well, okay." "Bye, mom." "Mom." "Wow, that was quick." "I didn't want to interrupt your busy day." " Ahh." " Ooh." "Where is everyone?" "Blink twice if we're in the middle of a holdup." "No holdup, mom." "Just workin' away here." "So, tell me about your first day." "Oh, wow." "Well, uh, let's see." "I checked in, I, uh, got some coffee, sat down, made a list, finished the list, did some brainstorming, stared at my thumb for a little while, then things kind of got slow." "Well, the important thing is that you're working and you're feeling better about yourself." "Yes, I am." " No, I'm not." " Really?" "I don't even know why Susan hired me, mom." "I mean, she asked me to make this list to help the office run more efficiently." "The third thing I came up with was "fire David."" "Sweetie, I guarantee, you're going to do very well, and I'm sure things are gonna turn around." "You think so, mom?" "You really think so?" "David, how the hell do I know?" "I'm your mother, not a fortuneteller." "[door opens]" "Alan, I visited David today." "That job is nonsense." "It's not going to be good for his self-esteem." "A chimp could do that job." "Elaine, you're missing the point." "You see that couch?" "That's an empty couch." "Richard is on the couch." "Richard, get off the couch." "I'm trying to make a point." "Sorry, chief." "My point is David is off the couch." "Well, only an idiot would pay him to sit over there and do nothing." "Or maybe he's a warm, loving person who only wants what's best for David." ""He's"?" "Did I say "he's"?" "I meant, she's a warm, loving man." "I meant woman." "Good-bye, Alan." "Richard." "What the hell was that?" "I was just trying to help." "I think I got up too fast." "Hello." "Can I get some help?" "Ah." "Yes, hello." "Hi." "Welcome to Jacaranda Realty." "Uh, I'm David." "Ah, you know, names really aren't my thing." "Nothing personal." "I just don't bother remembering the names of people I don't want to sleep with." "Well, hey, then you know what?" "That's a good thing." "[laughs]" "You getting smart with me?" "No, no." "No, no." "Just trying to help." "I talk, you listen." "Okay, here's the deal, sporto." "I need to sink some cash into a condo right away." "Now, I've looked at five other properties." "I'm gonna give you exactly one minute to tell me why I should buy from you right now, right here." " Sell!" "Now!" " Okay, um... all I can tell you is that I live here myself." "Um, I came down here to visit my parents, and I liked the place so much, I stayed while I try to reevaluate things and figure out where I'm going with my life." "While I appreciate you telling me your life story..." "Oh, wait." "I don't." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Hey, you're a golfer, right?" "Yeah, how d'you know that?" "Well, your left hand isn't as tan as your right, which means you wear a golf glove," " which means you play golf." " That's pretty good." "Yeah, so listen, all these places are, you know, basically the same, right?" "But what really sets this place apart is the golf course." "This is a good course?" "Oh, it is the best." "Here, let me show you some pictures of the 14th hole." "[gasps]" "Look at those mounds." "Wow, she's a beauty." "Yeah." "[knock at door]" "Is David back from work yet?" "I want to see if his second day was any better than his first." "Elaine, these things take time." "You can't expect everything to magically turn around in one day." "I sold a condo!" " What?" " Really?" "Yeah." "Yeah, this guy came in." "He was really mean, but then I turned on the old Robbins charm, kicked into sales mode, he signed papers and put down a deposit." "I'm back, baby!" "David, that is great news." "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, and you know what else?" "I got a call from one of those jerks that I interviewed with." "He offered me a job with benefits, guess what I told him." " Yes?" " No!" "Uh-uh." "I think I'm gonna be working for Susan for a long, long time." "Tomorrow, I'm gonna ask for a raise." "And I have you guys to thank for getting me off that couch and back out into the world!" "Love you!" "Well, look at that." "Yeah, look at that." "Alan, you don't seem as happy as I thought you'd be." "What's wrong?" "Uh, nothing." "Alan, I'm not leaving here until you tell me what's wrong." " I paid Susan to hire David." " What?" "I'm the one who is paying David's salary." "And you accuse me of coddling him?" "Well, if that isn't the pot calling the coddle black." "[knock at door]" "It's just like you to say one thing and do another." "Whoo!" "You are really some piece of work." "Hello, Elaine." "Uh, sorry, Philip, bad time." "No, no, Elaine, I..." "I have the condo papers." "Aren't you Elaine's barber?" "The term is hairstylist." "Why are you bringing her condo papers?" "Because she told me to buy a condo for her from your kid." "So, you had Philip buy the condo?" "Which I wouldn't have had to do if you hadn't pushed David into that loser job in the first place." "This is all your fault." "My fault?" "My plan was going perfectly." "This is so wonderful, the way that you two care so much for your son." "I mean, my parents never supported who I was." "I tell ya, I was so good," "David thought I was a golfer." "This is my bleaching hand." "I guess we're both coddlers." "Sounds like it." "And now I have to pay two mortgages, plus my son's fake salary at his pretend job." "Don't forget the raise." "Right." "Right, the raise." "What are you gonna do about this?" "The same thing I've always done." "The thing you would get from me, besides my obvious experience, is that I'm a quick learner, and I've found that business is really all about people skills." "Isn't that right, Todd?" "Tad..." "Ted!" "Jason." "The last guy was Ted." "Do you validate?"