"Kevin Smith!" "Kevin Smith!" "Thanks for coming to Canada there, Mr. Smith, eh?" "I'm here as Buddy Christ." "On the way over here to get tickets, I got bitten by a dog." "I love you, Kevin Smith." "You're awesome, Kevin." "But we came here to see you." "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing my dad, Kevin Smith." "Oh, Canada." "Oh, Canada." "I fucking love me some Canadians, sir." "I really, really do." "I fucking love this country." "I would..." "Don't." "No, don't, don't." "No, believe me, I'll be patronizing later on." "Right now I just want to be confessional more than anything else." "I always felt like I was kind of born a bit too far south." "I do dig this country quite a bit." "And I don't fucking say that because of the recent election." "That seems to be in vogue, to be like, "Oh, fuck the States." "Canada, eh?" "They let gays get married, and Bush is not the president."" "But..." "But that shit doesn't matter to me so much because I could..." "I survived four years of Bush." "I could survive another four years." "I survived Bennifer." "I can..." "Bush has nothing on fucking Bennifer, I assure you." "But it is a country that I've always fucking loved and I've often thought about moving up here because you guys are, like..." "Flat out, you're the girl next door, right?" "And who doesn't wanna fuck the girl next door?" "Especially when she's anal as well, so..." "You are the three-input woman next door." ""That's it, we're leaving." You know." "But I can't." "I can't fucking make the commitment to move up here and there's two words, really, that kind of sum it all up and that is:" "Tim fucking Hortons." "True story." "Because I've been here now for..." "You know, I came up a week ago." "I mean, a month ago, for one week, and then I came back." "I've been here for about two weeks, and when I got here, I was like I'm gonna stay all fucking low-carb and shit, and I'm gonna just eat..." "Because, you know, I'm from the land..." "U.S.A., United States of Atkins, and..." "So I'm like, "I'm gonna stay low-carb and shit because I've got the show and I wanna be as trim as fucking possible."" "And then they put me in a goddamn hotel where right across the street there's a Tim Hortons." "And I'd just look at my window and be like, "That fucker's open 24 hours."" "Because I'm a fucking man of strength." "Like, I..." "You know I will never cheat on my wife but I will cheat on a fucking diet like you wouldn't believe." "So I just sit there and fight myself, fight myself, fight myself and finally I was like, "Oh, fuck it." "Double Double and 30 Timbits."" "And that's why I'll be wearing the coat all night long." "Always helpful to have the fucking people in the back looking at you all night going, "God, he is fat from behind." "He is literally wearing a spare tire around his middle."" "So the first question of the night sets the entire evening up." "No pressure whatsoever." "It's actually two things." " Two questions?" " Two questions, if that's all right." "Sir, you're playing on my sympathies, aren't you?" "My name's Andre, I'm an actor, comedian and writer and people always try to get me to dance too." "My first question is..." "Well, I'm currently writing a screenplay now and I've been having major..." "Major writer's block for the longest time." "I was wondering if you ever had writer's block and what you did to deal with it?" "Have I ever had writer's block?" "Yeah, a little bit." "I just basically don't have writer's block, I get writer's laze." "Where I just don't..." ""Why should I write?" You know?" "Pretty much." "Let's see how many Law  Orders are on today." "I do, basically, because I would rather sit there and watch Hang 'Em High McCoy throw, you know, another scumbag murderer in jail than create shit." "I wanna be entertained sometimes where it's just like, "Yeah, good, burn him." "Fucking burn him!" "Send him to the goddamn chair." "Murder one, eh?" You know." "And then my wife's like, "The mortgage is due."" "I'm like, "Oh, shit."" ""Jay and Bob say something remotely witty." You know." "Back to Law  Order." "So I will..." "I'll just kind of veg out and sit in front of the TV for a while." "And it's not so much writer's block where I'm like, "I have nothing."" "It's just this kind of place where I'm like, "I don't wanna do nothing."" "And I've only really had it maybe once." "I was working on the Six Million Dollar Man screenplay eons ago like in 1995, and there was this..." "We were working at Universal on Mallrats, kind of." "And..." "Don't." "And basically, somebody..." "One of the producers, Jim Jackson was just like, "Hey, Six Million Dollar Man is up for grabs." "They wanna do a feature version." "Did you ever watch it?"" "And I was like, "I did watch that show."" "And he was just like, "You wanna write it?"" "And I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Not really, but..." "But it would be awesome to get the job," you know." "Like, that's basically what it is for me." "It's not doing the work, it's just having somebody go:" ""You, sir, are good enough."" "And then I'm like, "Oh, phenomenal, thank you."" "And then I fucking fight it the whole way home." "Green Hornet, perfect example." "It was nice to have somebody say:" ""You, sir, are good enough to make a comic-book movie."" "And I was like, "Tremendous." And I sign the contract and I was like, "Wait." "What?" "Do it?"" "So that kind of happened with The Six Million Dollar Man and there were just days where I was like:" ""I don't know what the fuck Steve Austin does."" "You know, what does he do?" "He's fucking..." "He wakes up, and he watches Law  Order." "Because I don't live the Steve Austin life and I'm used to writing where I just kind of take pages out of my own daily life." "But I am not bionic by any stretch of the imagination." "Not even remotely athletic, you know." "So I would be totally blocked writing that and it really started to show." "Like, I'd hand Mosier over some pages to read..." "Scott Mosier, my producer." " And I was like, "What do you think?"" "And he was just like:" ""Well, in this scene here, the big action sequence you have Steve Austin hiding behind a rock."" "And I was just like, "Dude's gotta hide sometimes."" "I mean, it's not always:" "You know, sometimes..." "Sometimes he's gotta be on the down-low and shit." "And Mosier's like, "And he's fighting 20 ninjas?"" "I was like, "Not good?" "Bionic ninjas?"" "So that one, it took me a long time to fucking write the script for." "And I pitched it to one team of execs who were then replaced by another team of execs and then, by the time I turned in my script that second team of execs had been replaced by another team of execs." "So I turned in my script to people going, "Are you kidding?" "This is your idea for a Six Million Dollar Man movie?" "Motherfucker loses a leg and an arm you give him robotics, and he hides behind a fucking rock?"" "And I was like, "Well, the first people really liked that idea."" "So, you know, it fucking never got made." "That was the last time I really got blocked." "Ever since then, it's just kind of laze." "Because TV is kind of my kryptonite." "Where it's like, if it goes on, suddenly I'm like, "I don't wanna create." "I just wanna be entertained and shit like that."" "And having a kid, you watch a lot more TV than you normally watched..." "Excuse me." " Before, because back in the day, it was just like  Degrassi fucking reruns on tape and shit like that." "Don't, I'm not..." "I'm not pandering, that's true." "And watch the fucking Simpsons, and then..." "And porn, so..." "But later in life, with a kid the kid has all sorts of programs that she likes to watch and then you're kind of forced to watch them as well." "And sometimes they're fucking insanely bad and really tough to sit through." "There's this one fucking program she was watching the other day and she was going to school..." "She watches TV before she goes school." " And I was..." "You know, went down there to say goodbye." "I was, "Well, how you rolling?" "What's this?"" "And she's like, "This is Rainbow Fish."" "And I said, "What's it about?"" "And she kind of looked at me like:" ""Are you fucking retarded?" "The title pretty much says it all."" "And I peeped it out, and she was right, you know." "It really is literally about a bunch of multi-colored fish." "And they go to school because, you know, fish travel in schools and shit." "And that was the height of their fucking imagination." "Just, "Let's put the rainbow-colored fish in school and fucking nobody's watching, do it."" "So I was like, "Can't we watch something else?" "Let's pop in some fucking Sponge Bob."" "She's like, "No, Rainbow Fish!" "Rainbow Fish!"" "Because she was heading to school, so she wanted to see what they did and then she'd take it to school with her and pretend to be a blue carp or something like that, I don't know." "I don't know what goes through her head." "But then there's some shit she watches where I'll get roped in." "Like, at first, I'm like, "This is fucking dog shit."" "But then you're like, "This is actually pretty good."" "And the fucking show that she really turned me on to was this show called Dora the Explorer." "Which is an amazing fucking show if you're really stoned." "Because it's all about this little Mexican girl who hangs out with a monkey who wears boots." "Who is named, ironically enough, Boots." "And she got a backpack on because presumably she's fucking trafficking hashish across the border." "And they bomb around looking for very simple things, in order to get to a goal." "They gotta find three things and fucking get somewhere." "And the only impediment through the whole process is a little..." "A little..." "What is he?" " A fox." "He's a little fox." "You know what I'm talking about." "A little fox named Swiper, thank you." "Exactly, the kid's name is Swiper." "He's a little fox and you know he's the bad guy because he wears a mask." "So Swiper periodically will bomb in on the kids and try to fuck with their day." "And basically it's one of these interactive shows where you gotta yell at the screen and shit." "Dora's ever asking for your help because she's so fucking hapless she can't do shit by herself." "So you sit there, watching, and periodically she'll be like, "Boots, we need to find the red berries," you know." "Boots is like, "I agree, I agree."" "But, you know, whatever." "And then they'll say, "Can you see the red berries?"" "And then me and kid sit there and, you know, we see the red berries and we're like, "Yeah." "Bitch, don't you?" "They're behind you." "Turn around."" "That's my take." "My kid is just like:" ""They're behind you, Dora!"" "I just look at her like, "Jesus Christ, kid." "Don't buy into this." "They are patronizing you."" ""Can you see the berries?"" "And then you're like, "Right behind you."" "And then she goes, "What?" "They're where?"" "And you're like, "Right behind you!"" "And she's like, "They're right behind us?"" "And you're like, "Yeah!"" "Which, as an adult, straight, you're just like:" "But if you're stoned which I have been upon viewings you're there, you are in the fucking show." "You're having a discourse with Dora." "Dora's just like, "Help me out, Kev."" "I'm like, "Right on." "Where are the berries?" "You're hungry too, aren't you, Dora?" "Oh, I could go for some berries." "With mayonnaise." "For some reason."" "But periodically, fucking Swiper will bomb in and shit and just try to fuck with your day." "And he's going for the berries as well." "So it's this race against time between you, Dora and Boots and Swiper." "And she'll say, like:" ""I think Swiper may be around." "Do you see him?"" "And he pops up, and in the audience, you're like:" ""Oh, Jesus, he's there!" "He's there!" "He's behind you!"" "And, you know, "Is he to the right?"" ""No, he's behind you!"" "And "Is he...?" "Yes, he's behind you!"" "And how they stop him is rather ingenious." "Because, me, it would just be like:" "Or a fox trap, you know, or..." "Kill him and wear him." "Or at that point, I'm so stoned, eat the fucking fox." "Mask and all." "But how they stop him is rather ingenious and it's a bizarre lesson to teach to kids because it really doesn't pan out in the real world." "They just turn around, and they go:" ""Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." They say it to him three fucking times." "And that stops him." "But of course, you're helping out because it's audience participation so, you know, she's like, "We gotta stop him." "Tell him, 'Swiper, no swiping."'" "So it becomes like, "Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping."" "And then the fucking fox goes:" ""Oh, man."" "That is literally a line of dialogue." "You tell Swiper to fucking stop, and Swiper goes, "Oh, man."" "And he fucking bombs away." "And that's it." "You're on the berries and on to the next fucking goal." "And it was just like..." "It doesn't work in the real world." "I gotta pull the kid aside and be like:" ""Look, this all fun when we're high but telling somebody to just don't do something three times it ain't gonna fucking change shit."" "It would be nice if you could." "If you could be like:" ""Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." "Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." "Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." But..." "There goes my political material for the whole night." "But it doesn't work like that shit." "So periodically, I have to set her straight." "But I'm usually so stoned that I explain it to her, and she looks at me like:" ""The cartoon makes more sense."" "And she's like, "Daddy, no eating." "Daddy, no eating." "Daddy, no eating."" "Oh, man." "So I get caught up in shit like that and then I get to this place where I don't wanna write." "And so I just kind of chill out and shit like that." "But I am kind of..." "I'm a deadline whore." "So, like, if the deadline comes up..." "Green Hornet, I had like..." "What did I have?" "I had 50 pages and then I had another 50, so I had 100 pages and in four days I wrote 64 pages and brought the motherfucker home." "Like, that's how I write." "I'm like, "Oh, shit, the fucking calendar's creeping up behind me."" "I'm like, "Shit happens, and people hide behind rocks, and..." "Fuck it." "He beats the bad guy." "The end." And you know..." "Mysteriously, people are like, "This is pretty good." "You put a lot of work in this." I'm like, "I absolutely did."" "Like, "Why does he say to the bad guy, 'Swiper, no swiping'?"" "Just take that out, sorry." " What was your other question, sir?" " My other question..." "My other question was kind of related to it." "I've only got like 40 pages in the last year and a half, and I haven't shown..." "Too much Dora the Explorer for you, as well." "That's my problem." "I..." "Well, I haven't shown what I've written to anyone and I know you probably get this a lot but I was wondering, if you're still in Toronto I'd really like to get your opinion." "I remember..." "I remember..." "You motherfuckers turn on each other quick." "Our home and native..." "Till he says the thing we don't like, eh?" "I remember in An Evening With Kevin Smith, there was that one..." "When you were talking about how your brother couldn't relate to a lot of movies featuring homosexuals." " Yes, because he's gay." " Because he's gay, yeah." "Are you gay?" "Is that what you're telling me?" " No, I'm not gay, but..." " This your roundabout way of saying..." "I don't know if you've noticed this but I am a physically disabled midget, and..." " No?" " Yeah." "I'm serious." "Sir, let me tell you something right now." "You're passing because I had no idea." "You know what, I just found out two years ago myself." "It's unbelievable." "So there's not a lot of movies featuring people like that in a positive way." "There's a few, but whatever." "Unless you're a member of the fucking Lollipop Guild, then..." "Then there's movies, but other than that, you're right." "You're absolutely right." "Station Agent." "The Station Agent." "Station Agent was good." "Yeah." "Willow was pretty good, but still, it's like a fantasy-type..." "Willow is fantasy, isn't it?" "It's fantasy, like only midgets can play fantasy-like characters." "Mexican wrestling." "You gotta hate the fucking non-height-challenged, don't you?" "There you go." "Because every once in a while they'll just hit you with the fucking Ewoks." "They're like, "Oh, shut up." "You got the Ewoks."" "And you're like:" "Yeah, so if you're in town, whatever, for the next few days, whatever, still I have a business card, I'd like to give it you you can give me a call, that'd be great." "I know you're probably thinking, "No fucking way."" "But, whatever, it's worth trying." "It was worth a shot but, no, I would never in a million fucking years do that." " Yeah, I understand." " It's not because of the height thing." "Just understand, because..." "I like you, you're the right height, but the..." " Remember the whole Dora thing?" " Yeah." "That's me basically saying I hate to work myself so the idea of working on somebody else's fucking bullshit..." "I don't want you to work, I just wanna get your opinion." " But it's totally worth a shot to ask." " Yeah." " But where are you, 40 pages in?" " About 40, yeah." "Finish it, sir." " Finish." " Sorry?" "Just finish it." "Finish it and shoot it." "Because basically, I know a story about a motherfucker fat, and he lived in Jersey and he wrote a movie about people bombing around a convenience store." "And it led to him being on-stage, being like, "Fuck you," you know." "So I'm telling you, finish it, make your picture and then stand up here and tell somebody..." "Tell some tall fucker, "No!"" " Thank you." " Thank you, sir." "Thank you." " In Jersey Girl..." " Yes, sir." "...how did you convincingly get Ben Affleck to cry?" " How'd I convin...?" " I mean, that was believable." "That was very fucking easy." "I brought a astrologer on set laid out the cards for the next two years." "No, Affleck doesn't need any help, sir." "Affleck is a brilliant, brilliant actor." "He's getting the shit beat out of him right now." "I am not one of those people that fucking:" ""Oh, lets jump on the 'Fuck Ben Affleck' bandwagon."" "I still believe in Ben." "I would cast Ben as anything." "I've said it a million times." "I would cast him as the fucking shark in Jaws if we remade it." " And the robot in..." " I believe in fucking Ben Affleck." "So Affleck, he can cry on command, sir." "It's easy." "He's very bitch-like in nature, so..." "So very, very easy for him to cry on command, and great." "It's a real weird process to watch an actor be like:" ""Give me a few minutes."" "And they go someplace really fucking dark and come out and fucking throw it down and shit like that." "You're like, "Cut," and they're just like, "Were any chicks watching?"" "Because they know, if chicks watching, they got it made, right?" "Because like, "He's so sensitive," you know." "And he gets them back to the trailer, he's like, "I am very sensitive." "Now, roll over."" "But Affleck, crying on cue is fucking..." "It's a walk in the park for that dude." "He's really quite good at it." "He cries in almost every movie, doesn't he, if you watch him." "Go back, there's always a point where he's got that glazed fucking look on his face and he starts squirting a few." "That's what he does." "He cries very well." "And does everything very well." "So that was..." "It was a cakewalk to get him to do it." "I love making him cry in movies too." "I love getting him to an emotional place because that's my favorite version of Ben Affleck in movies." "My favorite version in real life is the one who makes me laugh because he's one of the funniest people I've ever known." "My favorite version of Ben Affleck in movies is the guy who fucking cries." "I'll hand him a script, and invariably I get the call and he's just like, "Come on, dude." "Michael Bay don't make me cry."" "I was like, "That's funny." "He makes me cry." "As does your work in his picture, sir."" "But I really..." "I like seeing it because I think he emotes very well." "So yeah, that's easy, to get him to cry." " Thank you very much." " Thank you, sir." "Some other guy dropped this off and was hoping..." "Some fan art, I guess." "Right on." "You hold on to it." "Just in case." "Once we get past the one-hour mark where it would go "boom" if it doesn't explode, bring it back." "Sir, you came in costume tonight." "Oh, sweet Jesus, there go your chances of getting laid tonight." "I kind of came in costume too." "Rock it, sir." "Last time you were here you gave us your..." "Basically, your personal review on some movies that you've seen." " Yes." " And you ripped them apart in only a way that you can do." " Yes." "I was wondering if you could give us an updated version on the crap that you've seen lately." " For example?" "Let the savior fucking speak!" "How often do you get a chance to talk to Jesus?" "Sir?" " Any movie you want." " Well, I mean, it's up to you, Lord." " Well, listen to my people." " I'm sorry?" " Listen to my people." " Come on, come on, come on." "Any movie." "This is why they nailed you to the fucking cross!" "The Jews were like, "He's so fucking indecisive." "Hang him up."" "Because if Mel Gibson taught us anything it's that the Jews killed Christ." "But not before they beat the shit out of him first." "Fucking savior, just..." " Recent movie?" " Gigli!" " Team America." " Gigli, I honestly..." "Gigli is a movie that I really didn't find as atrocious as most people." "But I was partial because I like the guy in the movie." "Like, I'll watch that dude in anything." "You know, I was even..." "You know, he was the bomb in Phantoms." "Phantoms is a terrible picture." "But I liked it because of him." "I kind of like watching him do shit." "I watched Surviving Christmas and thought he was very funny in it." "So same thing with Gigli, because I watched it, I'm like:" ""That's my friend, and he's kind of funny." "Even in movies that aren't that great."" "But the one thing..." "My only issue with Gigli was like, "Dude you're really gonna play...?" "Ring this fucking bell twice?" "Where you're like, 'I can turn a lesbian,' you know."" "We did it once, and we kind of got away with it." "But he was like, "No, I'm gonna do it again." "This time it's J. Lo," you know." "That, to me, was the only mistake of Gigli." "Double dipping and shit like that." "But so, no, I didn't have a problem with that movie very much." "Paycheck." "Paycheck, you know..." "The title of the movie is very appropriate." "Because that's flat out what he was earning." "Team America I fucking enjoyed." "You know, puppets fucking." "Nothing wrong with that." "The Incredibles is fantastic." "I loved The Incredibles." " We should probably move on from..." " I, Robot." "I, Robot I saw, and I fucking totally dug except they kind of..." "It was like getting a really fantastic blowjob where at the very end she's like:" "That's why they don't let me review movies in papers, because..." "Everyone's got the whole "thumbs up, thumbs down," two, three, four stars." "I'm like, "No, it's like getting a blowjob where the chick pulls it out and jerks you off to a conclusion all over your belly," you know." "Where you're like, "Oh, this is phenomenal." "This is awesome." "Oh, no, wait, out?" "No." "All right, well..."" "Loved it." "Mean Girls I didn't see because fuck Lindsay Lohan." "Don't know anything about her, just don't like the look of her, you know." "Looks a little trashy." "I like my shit to be less trashy than that." "I'm not..." "I'm also not a Duff woman either." "So fuck her too." "My ideal movie would be, like, fucking throw those two chicks in the pit give them a couple broken bottles go." "I don't think we're gonna see that one." "Are we really gonna do this all night?" "Fucking yelling out random...?" "Let's move..." "Jesus, can we move on?" "Right on." "Well done." "Sir, really, that is a commitment for the whole evening." "Just sit there as God and..." "You live with the parents, or what?" "You do live with the parents?" "You know, you're walking out and your dad's like, "That's why."" "Excuse me." "Yes?" "All right, first of all, I'd like to say I'm an animator and I love your movies." "And the next thing I want to know is what happened to Clerks II, the cartoon?" "You said it was gonna be a cartoon movie?" "Yes." " What's going on with that?" " I'm sorry." "It's such a decent question, I was flabbergasted." "Clerks II, we were calling it Clerks Sell Out." "And the plot of the movie was essentially Dante and Randal are like:" ""Hey, lets make a movie set here in the Quick Stop."" "Because I really, really ran out of ideas." "And so basically we were thinking of doing it theatrically because Harvey Weinstein, the chairman of Miramax, was like:" ""Fucking The Tigger Movie." "Disney put out The Tigger Movie." "Cost them 8 million bucks to make, movie made 40 million bucks."" "We were like, "Right on." And he was just like:" ""We could do the same thing with Clerks."" "And I was like, "You want us to put fucking Tigger in Clerks?"" "He's like, "No, we make a cartoon real cheap, and we throw it out there." "We just go to the bank, laughing all the way."" "I'm like, "First off, nobody watched the show, dude." "That's why they canceled it, remember?" "Second off, you got a kid, you're gonna take him to see The Tigger Movie." "You're not going to take him to see:" "'Noinch, noinch, noinch, smoking weed,"' you know." "I mean, because he's kind of Tigger-like, but, you know..." "But it ain't the fucking..." "I don't..." "I just don't think any parent's lining up to see that movie." "So basically, we went back to him and said:" ""Wouldn't it make more sense if we did it as a straight-to-video movie?"" "That way, the people who really want to see it would see it." "Because the Clerks cartoon when we put them out on DVD as a collection, sold well." "So we said, "Can we do that instead of trying to go theatrical?"" "And he was like, "Whatever," because he'd forgotten about it by that point." "This was two years later." "He's like, "What are you talking about?"" "I was like, "The Clerks cartoon movie, Clerks Sell Out."" "And he was like, "Oh, right." "Yeah, well, whatever."" "So we eventually have to get to it but the last we talked about it we were gonna do that as a straight-to-video movie." "Try to cross it over with Winnie the Pooh and see what happens there." "But straight to video, Clerks Sell Out." "Because, believe me, I will ride the Clerks thing right into the grave." "You know, they work at a store, and they're pissed." " Cool, that's it." " Right on." "Well done, sir." "So my question is:" "You've pretty much had the life of a fanboy thus far." "I mean, you've got to make an entire universe based on your characters you've run a com..." "You've owned a comic shop you've worked on a comic, you got married at Skywalker Ranch." "I mean, you've done everything that I would think any geek would love to do." "My question is, what's next?" "For one second, as you went through the list I thought you were gonna be like, "And now, tonight..."" "For the world to see." "I thought you were building up to the Howling moment where you're like, "Tonight I'm gonna show you something..."" "Nothing like that, no." "What's next?" "I don't know, sir." "What's next?" "I always often think about what it is..." "Why do I do what I do, and why I got into the business and chiefly, it was because I wanted to throw something on the screen that you know, I recognize." "Something that I could identify with." "And that was Clerks and everything I've ever fucking done since then." "So I've accomplished that." "Then it was always like, "Wouldn't it be cool to do this?" "Wouldn't it be cool to write comic books?"" "And then I fucking did that and shit." "I think I've reached the final frontier, you know." "Totally fucked Jason Mewes." "Where is Mewes?" " Call him up." " Call him." "Just call Mewes up?" "Does anybody have a phone?" "You know, sir, I don't need your phone." "Whenever I call Mewes, I just do this:" "Mewes!" "Mewes!" "Doesn't work always." "Mewes!" "Hello, ladies and sirs." "Sir, don't leave me up here by myself, I'm scared." "I don't talk much, he does." "Dude, you've answered like two questions." "That's it." "He goes on and on and on, right?" "No?" "All right, no one's answering." " You want...?" " All you." "You wanna ask...?" "You wanna do two questions?" "No, I don't want." "I said, you've only had two questions, but you've been here for an hour." "Dude, back off, it was three." "Three questions." "Because I was saying, one question, you just keep going on talking about Dora the Explorer or something." " I've been listening on the..." " That's how I fuck, sir." "They ask for a little, I go overboard." " You wanna hang out on the couch?" " I wanna sit on the couch." " Right on." " Drink this free water." "First off, I would like to thank you for making Clerks." "It's nice to see a non-Asian dude that knows the pain of being behind the counter." "That's true, that movie is kind of really fictional because there's two white guys fucking behind the counter and I don't know, every convenience store in the world I've ever been in is the "Thank you, come again," you know." "Okay, my first question is..." "I have just two quick questions." "One is, on the first DVD, you pretty much trashed a lot of the big Hollywood guys with your Superman story, Tim Burton and as well as Prince." "Have you ever got any backlash from that, since releasing that DVD?" "I've never gotten backlash..." "Never gotten backlash from it but I've heard, like, P.S.'s to everything." "Like, Jon Peters apparently is very flattered by the story." "Proving once again that the man is just almost insane, clinically." "Who else was there?" "Tim Burton." "Tim Burton, no." "Since that story, I don't think I ever heard of anything." "I mean, I told the story about the Planet of the Apes thing, right?" "Where his claws came out." "So, no, never heard anything after that." "Tim Burton's just like, "This dude's small fucking potatoes."" "Prince I did hear a P.S. From." "Because the DVD came out, and his producer at the time..." "The one who told me about Prince World, her name's Stephanie." " Stephanie called me up and was just like:" ""Oh, my God, you named me."" "She's like, "It wasn't bad enough that you just said he's got this producer he works with you fucking gave me a name, and it was my name."" "And I was like, "Was that bad?"" "But thankfully, she had left his employ at that point." "But she told me that people at Paisley Park would pass that around like an underground movie and shit." "And be like, "You gotta watch this." "He nails him." "He even talks about Prince World," you know." "They didn't want to talk out loud because all the rooms are bugged." "Because he can record in every room." "So she said after he..." "It finally got to him, somebody showed it to him and he was just like, "Find his nondisclosure agreement."" "Because, essentially, when you come in to shoot or do something they make you sign this agreement that says:" ""What happens in Prince World stays in Prince World."" "You don't go out there and fucking talk about, like:" ""Go get me a camel at 3 in the morning." Just..." "You don't talk about that shit." "The funny part is, the day that they handed it to me I was like, "Oh, right on." "Let me just set up this shot" and I never saw it again." "And it was never intentional." "Like, "Oh, I'm gonna talk about this shit."" "It was just one of those things I never fucking did and never thought about it until Stephanie told me they tore apart Paisley Park looking for that nondisclosure agreement, and it's not there." "And I was just like, "Oh, that would be because I probably never signed one."" "And she was like, "He was fucking mad."" "And then, I guess he was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly a few months back when he was doing the tour and shit the tour..." "The brilliant tour, where he oversold..." "You know, sold tickets that were more expensive and included a CD his latest CD, Musicology." "And then all those tickets sold for the concerts counted as units sold for his Billboard ranking so it made it seem like..." "You go to a Prince concert, "I wanna see Prince." "I don't wanna listen to Musicology, because it fucking blows." "But I wanna go see Prince." Because you love Purple Rain." "When you got there, they were like, "Here's your CD."" "And you're like, "Right on, free CD."" "But it wasn't free, they built it into the price of the ticket." "And every CD they gave out counted toward Billboard." "So for a while, Prince was rocking the fucking Top 10 in the Billboard." "But not really." "But it was enough to get him on the cover of Entertainment Weekly." "That, plus the fact that, you know, he's fucking Prince and..." " Okay, my second que..." " That gets him on there." "Not done." "And in his fucking interview, at one point he went out of his way to fucking talk about me, to bring me up." "And I only know because the guy that wrote the piece is a dude who's interviewed me a few times and he just dropped me an e-mail he's going, "Prince talked about you in his interview."" "And I was like, "Oh, get out of here." "Did he talk about the Evening With?"" "And he goes, "Kind of." "He didn't reference it specifically but he talked about seeing Jersey Girl."" "And I was like, "Oh, right on." "Did he love it?"" "Because I thought maybe he watched it and he was like:" ""You know what, Kev's an all right guy."" "Not the case." "Because he said in the article..." "He was like, "I saw Jersey Girl."" "He trashed it, and he said:" ""That's what happens when the potty mouth don't work for you no more."" "The guy who was writing the piece told me that, and he's like:" ""Do you have a comment?" And I was just like, "Okay."" "So I was like, "Well, you know, it's okay that he hated Jersey Girl because I fucking hated Crystal Ball."" "Which was an album that he did a long time ago." "And he was like, "Oh, that's perfect, that's going in."" "It went in the article, and it wasn't till a few days later where I was like, "Oh, I should have just said:" "'This coming from the director of Under the Cherry Moon."'" "Which would have been a little more obscure." "But still, he also directed a movie so it would have been like one director tagging another and shit." "Kind of like playing a game of the dozens." "But it didn't really pan out like that." "And I guess he read the article, or saw it but I never heard from him again." "Still haven't heard from him about that." "People were always kind of mystified about what happened to all the footage and shit because Stephanie had called me at one point and said:" ""Hey, do you wanna edit this stuff together?"" "And I was like, "No." "I mean, not really." "I mean, if you bring it to Jersey, I'll totally edit it together."" "I said, "Didn't you guys try editing already?"" "She's like, "We've gone through a few editors."" "And I said, "Why?" "Is he that difficult to work with?"" "She's like, "Well, no, it's just that what he wants to do with the footage a lot of people don't agree with ideologically."" "And I was like, "What does he want to do with the fucking footage?" "Insert it into a porn?"" "Because I'm down with that." "I'll cut that shit." "She goes, "No, he wants to turn it into a recruitment film for the Jehovah's Witnesses."" "Because he's a Jehovah's Witness now." "So he wanted to take all the footage from the interviews we did and shit intercut it with concert footage, and turn it into a recruitment film for the Jehovah's Witnesses and shit." "And I was like, "Get out of here." "That's what we were doing this whole time?"" "She's like, "I guess." "You wanna work on it?"" "And I said, "Oh, shit, no." "I already made my recruitment film for Catholicism, I don't..."" "I..." "I said, "I got no interest in fucking doing that."" "I was like, "He's really serious about this Jehovah's Witnesses shit?"" "And she's like, "He's pretty hard-core." I was like, "How hard-core?"" "Because in my mind, I just see fucking... open the door and Prince is like, "Dearly beloved would you like to buy a Watchtower?" You know." "But she said that's what he's doing." "He's trying to use the footage for that." "So last I heard, it was going into a recruitment film for the Jehovah's Witnesses." "So if you're ever approached by Jehovah's Witnesses, and they're like:" ""We'd like you to watch this video," that's my latest film." "Hi." "So for all your movies, you're, like, writer, director..." "You got like five credits so I figure that's gotta be a pretty good paycheck." "I have two questions:" "How much are you worth and what do you waste money on?" "How much am I worth?" "I don't know." "I have no idea how much I'm worth." "What does that mean, exactly?" "Like, to my mother, I'm worth a lot." "Well, like, what's your net worth?" "Like, you know, like, if you were theo..." "Lets say you were one of those good filmmakers and they put you on that Forbes list..." "Calm down." "No, no, no." "Wait, wait, wait." "Wait, wait, wait." "Dude, I couldn't fucking hear you the first time so I missed the..." "I missed the setup." "Go." "If you were appreciated enough to be put on that Forbes list..." "On the Forbes list?" "Why was everyone... to the...?" "I know." "I heard him." "You reined that shit in pretty quick." "You're like, "What if you were good enough...?" "I mean, what if they were smart enough to...?"" "Because 2000 fucking Canadians were like, "Let's get him!"" "Anyway, what if somebody put me on the Forbes list, what would I be worth?" "I wouldn't make..." "Obviously, I haven't made the Forbes list." "Ballpark figure." "Do you have $ 10 million?" "Do I have 10 million?" "Are you looking for a fucking loan, sir?" "What do you mean "do I have"?" "Am I liquid?" "Am I so liquid that I got 10 million sitting somewhere?" " Sure." " No." "Sir, I have a family." "I'm married and I have a kid." "And I buy a lot of fucking DVDs." "So I'm a real..." "Honestly, I kind of live very hand-to-mouth where it's like, I get paid, and then I get fat and then I go back to work and I get paid, and I get fat." "And basically we just spend that money until there's no money left and then I'm like, "Well, what did Jay and Silent Bob do this week?"" "But, no." "But I don't have a fucking $ 10 million sitting somewhere." "Affleck does." "He's got more than 10 million sitting somewhere." "Affleck had that stretch where he did, like, three movies where he made 15 to 20 million or something like that." "And thank God, because now he can live off that for, you know..." "Wait till the storm passes and shit." "But I don't have that chunk of change sitting somewhere." "Also, you know, Affleck's not fucking married, doesn't have a kid." "A wife and a kid will fucking bleed you dry, sir." " I'll keep that in mind." " Don't fucking get married." "Which I don't think is a problem for you." ""What's your net worth, eh?" "How much you worth?" "What do you got in the bank?" "How many toonies and loonies do you have in the...?"" "I give it up, sir, nobody's ever asked me that question before:" ""How much are you worth?" That's a real fucking esoteric question." "One that's gonna plague me too." "Wake my wife up, 3 in the morning, "Honey, what am I worth?"" ""Get it off of me, get it off of me," you know." " Hi." "I just have two questions." " Two questions." "One question, actually, and one comment." "Thank you for coming to Toronto, first of all." "Thank you for having me." "And my second question is just about why you actually come and do these shows." "What reasons do you have to come and do these shows?" ""They want you to do a show up at Roy Thompson."" ""I don't know."" ""They got a lot of Timbits."" ""I'm there."" "Smart motherfucker right here." "Come on up, sir." " How do you do, sir?" " Thank you, bro." "What's your name, new best friend?" "My name is Adam, but all my friends call me Jaws." " Hey, Jaws." " Hi, Jaws." "Because you suck dick?" "Back in grade nine, I hit over 6 feet and I had braces." "Our friend was a huge James Bond fan and he started calling me Jaws." "And you sucked his dick?" "We'll save that for the special edition." " Because you sucked his dick." "Yes." " My Timbits." "Now, wait, so they're your Timbits?" " Oh, I bought them for you." " Did you sweat in them?" "Because they look a little worse for wear, sir." "You didn't do anything to them, did you?" "I'll eat one if you want." "Well, what if you put the poison in, but you have the antidote?" "Pick a Timbit and I'll eat it." "Do that one." "But what if that's the one you didn't put the poison in knowing that I would choose that one because it was so different-looking?" "Security." "What's this?" "I was also worried with the no-food policy that they would take it away." "So I also smuggled a little dime bag just in case." "You're giving me weed?" "A Canadian version of weed, but, yeah, just more Timbits." "Oh, it's a dime bag of Timbits." "Just in case if they confiscated that one I had that one as well." " So this is your secret stash?" " Exactly." "You guys got any questions for the doughnut man?" "All right, question?" "I'll give you Timbits tomorrow for free at school." "Remember, my mom works there." "She is so fired." "Is this what you have to deal with all the time?" "Owen." " Right on." " Thank you for signing my comics." "You're welcome, sir." "Don't forget the coat." "Are those your glasses, sir?" "No." "They are, right?" "Well done." "Sir, what was your question?" "My question was why do you come here aside from money, which is probably an obvious factor." " And Timbits." " Aside from the food, right." "You know, honestly, I kind of dig it." "I like it." "This is my second..." "Well, third favorite part of the job." "I like writing, I like editing..." "Because editing is kind of like writing." "It's like getting to write another version of the script..." "Another draft, if you will." "And I like doing this part because that's what it's all about, right?" "It's a communication medium." "You throw the movie out there and see if anybody identifies with it." "And you manufacture for you so you wanna hear what people have to say about it." "And this is kind of the way I hear what people have to think about the shit." "The feedback." "And it started that way." "It started by going to the screenings and doing q and a's afterwards." "And sooner or later we just started losing the screenings altogether because people were like, "Oh, fuck the movie." "Just get up there and talk about your dick," you know." "So I don't know, I just kind of like it." "This is where I feel comfortable." "I'm fucking terrible in person, though." "That's what happens, a lot of people are like:" ""Oh, you must be fucking great in a room."" "I am terrible in a room." "If you get me in a room with five, six people I shut the fuck up." "I'm just like, "Hello."" "But I can do this." "Like, I can do 2000, 3000 people." "But one-on-one, dog shit." "Except my wife." "I can talk to her pretty well." "But my wife will always invite her friends over, and they're like:" ""Why did you marry him?" "He's such a boring guy."" "Then she hands them An Evening With Kevin Smith, and they're like:" ""An Evening with Kevin Smith is four hours long," you know." "And my wife's like, "No, it's not." "An evening with Kevin Smith is two minutes if I'm lucky." "Three if he gets on top, you know." "So I don't know, I just kind of dig it." "Just kind of into it." "I like it." "I like doing it here too." "Love fucking doing it in Canada." "The last one we did at Roy Thompson Hall was, hands down, my favorite Q  A that I've ever done." "Here at Roy Thompson." "Because you're..." "I don't know, you guys kind of get it." "It's not like they don't get it down in the States, but I don't know it feels..." "I truly feel, like, welcome here." "Like, I feel like, you know, Superman, fucking his world blew up and so Earth became his adopted homeland and that's how I feel about Canada." "Of course, the analogy falls to shit right away because, unfortunately, America has not blown up yet." "Although, soon." "Give it..." "Give it time." "And also, I can't do shit to protect Canada from anybody." "But nobody seems to wanna make war with you, so it's all right, you know." "So basically I could just be like, "I'm protecting them."" "Until shit starts going on, and I'm like, "I got your back from back here." "Go."" " Behind the rock!" " Behind the rock, sir." "You just became a better writer than me." "But I dig it." "I just kind of dig it." "I feel at home doing this kind of shit." "This feels good." "Because, you know, it's kind of a rush too." "Three thousand people wanna hear what you have to say." "Only in this country." "He's talking about Geddy, eh?" "Oh, Geddy's amazing." "Maybe he'll do a little "Tom Sawyer."" "It's nice, though." "It's nice." "It makes you feel wanted and shit." "Because then I go out in the real world and nobody wants me." "Here, though, I could probably get laid." "Moments like this, I'm just like, "I could totally get laid."" "That's why it's, like, so..." "You gotta keep your head straight with this." "Because you jump on-stage and people are like... and shit like that." "You're like, "Oh, my God, why did I get married?" "I could fuck all of these people." "At least once, you know." "Till they figured out I was a terrible lay." "But all I need is one crack."" "But then, you know, I get off-stage..." "Then I get off-stage, and it's just not really the case." "Then there's only one person that wants to fuck me and that's, you know..." "That's kind of beautiful." "It is." "That's why I got married." "Because she fucks really well." "And she loves me, and I love her." "But on the stage, you tend to like, "Wow, I'm pretty happening."" "And then, you know, you go home and shit, and she's like:" ""Quit farting."" "And you remember you're not that happening at all and shit." "And she's too smart for me to be like:" ""Look, there are 3000 fucking people who would like to hear me fart."" "She'll be like, "I fucking hope so because that's how we earn our living, fat ass."" "She's a pretty sharp cookie." "But that's really it." "I just kind of enjoy it." "I mean, the money's nice too, don't get me wrong." "I used to do it for free, though, then one day, somebody was like..." "I was at a school in New Jersey..." "I was at Rutgers in Camden the Camden campus and I used to just drive places and do q and a." "They'd be like, "You wanna talk to the college students?" I'd be, "Right on."" "One day, I was at Rutgers, Camden, we were showing clips for something so I went outside to smoke, because that's when I used to smoke and the chick who was running the program was like:" ""Wow, it's so awesome that you just do this for free."" "And I was like, "It really, really is." "What...?" "What does that mean, exactly?"" "And she's like, "Most people kind of charge to do it."" "And I was like, "Charge?" "To do this?" "Why would somebody charge for an ego boost like this?" "This is awesome." "How much they make?"" "She was like, "We just had Janeane here, Janeane Garofalo."" "I was like, "Right on." "How much she make?"" "She was like, "Twenty G's."" "I was like:" ""Twenty G what?" "Twenty thousand dollars?" "American or Canadian?"" "Which is actually pretty fucking close now." ""Twenty thousand," I was like, "Get out of here."" "So then I started charging for gas." "And I was, like, I feel secure enough to be like:" ""Look, you gotta give me gas money."" "They'd pitch me 5 bucks, crumpled up." ""Here you go." "Fuck off, Clerks boy."" "Right on." "I took those fucks." "My net worth, 5 bucks." "And then there was a period where I just..." "And then it started going up, and they started paying me more." "Then I got to a place where I was like, "I don't wanna do it anymore."" "Because they always send you to remote places." "At least this, we're in the middle of a city." "So you fly into fucking Pearson." "Pearson, is that what it's called?" "Named for, you know, that guy, Pearson." "And, you know, you're in the city in fucking 20 minutes." "Sometimes, though, they'll send you to a fucking college in Bumblefuck..." "Like, "You wanna go out to the Maritimes?"" ""Shit, no," you know." ""You're out of your fucking minds."" "And then you fly in and drive four hours to get to the fucking college." "So there was a period where I was like:" ""I don't wanna do it anymore, so I'm just gonna fucking raise my fee."" "And that way, people will be like:" ""Oh, fuck him," you know, "He's not worth it."" "And they still kept fucking paying." "I was like, "Oh, good God." "They got me." "I guess I gotta go."" "So..." "But I dig it." "Really, I kind of dig it." "When I'm busy, when I'm making a flick or something I'm like..." "You know, I'd rather concentrate on one thing." "But right now, I got nothing going on at the moment except for fucking Degrassi so I'm all up in it, you know." "I'm like, "Send me, I'll go anywhere." "Fucking I'm there." "Send me to fucking Oakville, Kitchener." "I'll do all the..." "I'll fucking play the newfie towns too." "I don't give a shit." "Send me to every fucking province."" "And they're like, "You're going to Toronto." I'm like, "Right on."" "So I just dig it, really, is what it comes down to." "All right, thanks very much, and just..." "I hope that you come back another time." " Come back?" " Yes." "Yeah, well, I mean, I..." "This is amazing." "I have never repeated a place." "I don't think I've ever gone to the same place twice." " You should do it three times." " Which says a lot about the show." "Because apparently..." "Apparently, y'all are starved for entertainment because most places are like, "We saw him."" "No hockey, right?" ""The boys are on strike." "The Leafs aren't gonna play." "Bring the fat guy back."" "You fuckers and your hockey, man." "God, you love some hockey." "And the whole fucking town." "There's a real pale over the whole fucking town." "And I was like, "What's with all the down spirits and shit?"" "And they're like, "No hockey, eh?" "Hockey night's gone, eh?" "Saturdays we got nothing to do." "We look at each other and talk about the hockey." "How good it would be, how great it was and how wonderful it will be when it comes back."" "So I says to the guy, I says, "There's no hockey."" "He says, "I know there's no hockey." And I says, "Well, there it is."" "Those are actual conversations I've listened to." "But generally I don't..." "I've never doubled up." "This is the first place I've ever done twice." "Not only have I done it twice, it's not like three years ago I was here in fucking March." "Like, nothing has really happened to me between March and now." "So I was so worried coming back, I'm like:" ""I'm not gonna have shit to talk about."" "But it's cool." "I like this room." "I could come back all the time." "And we sold it out pretty..." "Don't, because..." "Don't, because you'll get tired of it." "If I come back in another four months you'll be like, "He's talking about his fucking dick again." "Oh, hockey's back?" "Oh, fuck him."" "Go Leafs." "Stop it." "Stop living into the stereotype, for chrissakes." "Like:" ""What?" "Leafs?" "Yes, go Leafs!" "Did they settle the strike?" "No?" "Fuck."" "So there it is." "I just kind of like doing it." "But I can't do it without you, so thank you for coming." " Yep, thank you." " Right on." " Yep, thank you." " Right on." "All right, I wanted to know what is, like, the meanest, most cold-hearted thing you've ever done or said to someone, just because?" "Meanest, cold-heartedest thing I've ever done or said to anybody?" "Yeah, and did you feel bad after?" "No, it was never..." "It's never been any of that shit." "The meanest, cold-heartedest thing I've ever done and I still kind of carry it with me sometimes is junior year..." "The end of junior year in high school which is, what, 11th grade to you guys." "Grade 11, sorry." "Grade 11, eh?" "But Michelle ****, who was a classmate of mine, really sweet girl was running for student council president because the juniors ran for it at the end of the year because senior year, you'd be the student council president." "And she was running unopposed, and I was just like:" ""Well, that's not democracy." "Somebody should run against her."" "And I ran against her just for the fuck of it." "Didn't want it." "Was just like, "Shouldn't Meeshy..."" "We called her "Meeshy." "Meeshy will totally win but there should be somebody else in the race."" "And also it gave me a chance to kind of get up on the PA system and sing a song." "Which was in 19..." "What was it?" "Fuck." "I forget." "Essentially, it was to "New York, New York" but the chorus was "vote overweight, vote overweight."" "And they did." "Proving once again that it's not really the qualifications it's just who puts on a better show." "So basically, Meeshy was just like:" ""If you vote for me for student council president I will totally lead our class and this school into the next generation."" "And I got..." "I'm there and was like:" "Vote overweight, vote overweight" "And they were like, "Oh, let's vote for the fat guy."" "And I won." "So senior year, I was student council president." "And the first thing I did as student council president was to abolish the fall carnival which was the big thing everyone looked forward to." "Why?" "I was like, "Fuck it." "It's a waste of our time." "We don't need it." Got rid of it." "Everybody was like, "What happened to the fall carnival?"" "And they're like, "Student council president got rid of it."" "Drunk on my own power, I was like, "Let's see how far I can go."" "Got rid of homecoming." "Which is not a big deal, because we didn't have a fucking football team." "So I never understood why we had a homecoming dance." "I was like, "Homecoming is for football games." "We don't have football." "What do we have homecoming for?" "Fuck it." "No, it's gone."" "And fucking people were like, "Right on." "It's gone."" "I was Bush, you know." "I was flat-out W." "I just made horrible, fucking random decisions and people were like, "He's our president."" "But..." "I did try to abolish the prom, and that one, I got overruled on." "That was when people like, "You can't take away the prom." "We've had it up to here." And they kept their fucking prom." "But I refused to go to it and shit." "And my girlfriend at the time was a junior, right?" "So the junior prom the year before I had gone to." "She was a sophomore at that time." "And I brought her with me, so we went to the junior prom." "So senior year, she was supposed to go with me to the senior prom." "We had junior, senior prom together and shit." "So I told her, I was like, "Look, I'm not doing a senior prom." "I'm just blowing it off and shit." "I'm taking a stand."" "Against what, I don't know." "But I was in high school." "I was rebelling against everything." "Including my fucking waistline." "So I was like, "No fucking prom, prom's stupid, stupid fucking tradition." "Look, if we wanna fuck, we're gonna fuck at a hotel room." "We don't need to go to the prom." "Or we'll just fuck in your parents' house." "You know, there's no reason to go to the fucking prom."" "And she was just like, "But I wanna go to the prom."" "It meant the world to her." "She wanted to go." "I was like, "No, we're not going to the prom." "It's my prom, we're not going." "It's my senior prom." "We're gonna hang out, we're gonna watch The Breakfast Club again."" "So she was like, "All right, all right."" "And then that night, class move, she went to the fucking prom." "Didn't even tell me." "I called up her mom, I was like:" ""Where's Kim?" "We're gonna hang out and watch Breakfast Club."" "She's like, "Kim's in a gown at the prom."" "And I was like, "Oh, fucking..." "We were supposed to be rebelling together."" "But she had no interest in rebelling and shit." "And that was where our kind of relationship started to:" "She didn't wanna rebel with me, I wasn't gonna roll like that and shit." "So it comes to the end of the year and the student council's in charge of the elections for the next round of student council elections the juniors who are running." "And there was a kid who was running for student council president against some girl." "And their names, well, I'll..." "Fuck it, I'm not gonna tell you their names because the story's pretty bad." "And so basically, there was a kid..." "One guy running, one girl running." "And my Spanish teacher at the time pulled me aside and was like, "You're failing." "You're gonna fail this year."" "Excellent teacher, ****." "Fantastic fucking teacher." "But I was a terrible student, didn't bother to learn any Spanish and shit." "Didn't know that one day I would live in Los Angeles and need Spanish." "I was like, "I live in New Jersey, I'll never need Spanish."" " Move to L.A., I need Spanish." " Watch Dora." "That's why I watch Dora." "All right, rein it in, sir." "Not everything is the rock." "So..." "But still, I liked it." "I tried to pull your credit away, but that was good." "So..." "That was good." "So..." "I gotta remember that for the next show." "Dude, I'm taking all your material." "So my Spanish teacher says to me:" ""Listen, do you want to pass?"" "And I was like, "Oh, God, I'm gonna have to blow this motherfucker."" "Because I'm okay..." "I'm okay with blowjobs, man." "Like, I get it." "Like, I'm..." "I'm comfortable with my sexuality." "Doesn't mean I can't take a shot in the mouth for a good grade." "Doesn't necessarily make me gay, it just means I give good head." "So he was like, "No, none of that."" "He said, "I just want..." "I want you to make sure that the chick wins and not the guy."" "And I was like, "Really?" "You want me to throw the election?" "And you'll pass me in Spanish?" And he was like, "Totally."" "And I was like, "I don't know, man." "I gotta think about this." "All right."" "Votes came in and shit, and we tallied them up and shit because guess who counted the votes." "I was like the chick in Florida, dude." " What's her name?" " Katherine Harris." "I was fucking Katherine Harris." "A 12th-grade Katherine Harris." "Tossing shit away." "I was like, "Where are the black votes?"" "So basically, the guy won by a very slim margin the girl didn't, and sure enough, I was just like, "One, two, three..." "Hey, she won."" "And that was probably the worst thing I've fucking ever done in my life." "That girl got to be student council president and that dude spiraled fucking downwards and kissed the end of a shotgun, blew his head off." "Or something, I can't remember." "I..." "I never did the follow-up to that story." "I just know that he didn't win, and he really, legitimately, he did." "But the real weird fucking vengeance is that dude wound up dating my ex-girlfriend the next year." "Which he must have known, right?" "He was like, "You steal my presidency I'm gonna steal your fucking pussy, sir."" "So then I went out with his girlfriend." "Like, "You steal my pussy for stealing the election I'm gonna fucking steal your pussy, sir."" "And then we were all miserable." "And the great irony is, the girl that he was dating..." "His girlfriend that I wound up stealing and going out with." " Was named Amy." "And so for evermore, people would come to her and be like, "Oh, my God, didn't you date the Clerks guy?" "Is Chasing Amy about you?" And she'd be like, "No."" "And it's not." "But I like the name." "That story has no ending, really." "Wait." "No, it does." "That motherfucker came looking for blood, and what did I do?" "Hid behind a rock." " I want to say good job on the movies." " Thank you, sir." "And Roadside Attractions, it's really good." "I had a question for Mewes, but he deked..." "You are the most laid-back person I've ever met." "You're just like, "Right on, dude." "Get on with the..." "Rock on with your bad self and the Roadside..."" "You are super cool, sir." "You're Fonzie." "Hey." " Anyways, I was thinking you..." " Fonzie was Canadian, wasn't he?" "Eh?" "I left my leather jacket at home." "I was gonna say that you have an image:" "The trench coat, jacket, the beard have you ever thought about getting rid of the beard?" "Because you look at guys like Chuck Norris and Chewbacca Jesus, even without a beard..." "Without a beard, they would, like, lose all their power and their credibility." "I was gonna ask, have you thought of that because I'd think it be a truly horrible thing if you did that." "You would, I don't know..." "Like, no one would recognize you." "I wouldn't, you know." "Like, Alex Trebek got rid of his mustache and I was watching Jeopardy!" ""Who is that guy?"" "I didn't know who he was." "It's like having a conversation with one of my characters." "Sir, I just think that it's fucking brilliant that you somehow managed to tie Chuck Norris Chewbacca the Wookiee and Jesus Christ together." "Because if I was on a fucking game show and somebody said, "Name three people who have beards" maybe, maybe I'd be like:" ""The son of God, our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ."" "I wouldn't even..." "Chuck Norris wouldn't come to mind." "Never in a million years." "I don't know, does he have a beard?" "Doesn't he just rock a mustache?" " He's got a beard, yeah." " Does he really?" "You and me on that game show, you win." "Chewie, I wouldn't even think of." "Chewie would be the answer..." "They're like, "Judges?"" "And they're like:" "Have I ever thought about taking off the beard?" "I do take it off from time to time." "But only if I've got nothing going on." "Like if I'm not gonna have to be public you know, except to go to the store and shit like that." "But if I don't have to get on-stage or take a picture." "Because when I take it off, I look dramatically different." "I look like a 16-year-old fat kid." "As opposed to a 34-year-old fat man." "And it also..." "My wife hates it." "First time I took it off when we were together, I came out of the bathroom I was like, "Notice anything different?"" "And she was like, "Oh, Jesus!" "Dig it out of the drain and glue it back."" "She hated it, she hated it." "And the first time I did it when I had the kid, she was just like:" "Because suddenly I wasn't Dad anymore I was just some random fat dude fucking her mom." "So I have taken it off from time to time, but I just look really, really bad with it." "You know, and it's just, you know fucking chin city and shit." "Your wife is your beard!" "My wife is my beard, isn't she?" "Oh, sir." "Who was it?" "That was you?" "That was your move." "Because in your head, you were sitting there going:" ""I'm gonna yell out 'your wife is your beard' and they'll laugh like they laughed at the rock guy."" "And you yelled it out, you got it out there you had the guts to do it and shit and then I even echoed it for you just in case the cheap seats didn't hear and there was fucking crickets, sir." "You are fucking Gigli incarnate, sir." "But I respected that." "That would have been my go-to joke." "I should have fucking thought of that." "I should have been, like..." "Rock the "my wife is a beard" joke and talk about sucking cock." "Thank God you did it first." "I will never use that joke." "Right on." "You're feeling pretty good right about now because you're like, "I busted out Chuck Norris."" "Anywho, no, I've never shaved the beard on a regular basis." "You should bring the Roadside Attractions with Leno to Toronto." " I think that'd be pretty funny." " Do Roadsides up here, I'd like to." "I would like to totally do that." "You like them, huh?" " Yeah, for sure." " They're not bad." "I have fun doing them." "The guy I do those with, Andy McElfresh he's the real brains behind it." "He's way into that kind of sense of humor and my jokes, I tend to write very long..." "They're not even jokes." "It's just observations." "And he's a real joke guy." ""Go for the punchline" kind of thing." "So if you really like those, truly he's the genius behind them." "I'm just the guy who stands there and fucking dances like a chimp." "And once in a while I find something kind of quick to tag up with." "But, yeah, they've been fun to do." "I would like to do one up here." "That'd be nice." "You don't really have attractions, though." "Like, CN Tower and that's it." "Tim Hortons." "Tim Hortons." "That's not really a roadside attraction." "Tim Hortons is fucking legion in this country." "What do you got, 30 million people living up here?" "You have 31 million Tim Hortons." "There's one Tim Hortons, 1.8... 1.008 Tim Hortons per fucking resident of Canada." "You all got your own like, "What's that?"" ""Oh, that's Bob's Tim Hortons."" ""Bob who?" "I don't know." "But there's one guy named Bob, and that's his."" "So Tim Hortons wouldn't really be a stop." "The Leafs!" "The Leafs is not really a roadside attraction, it's a sporting team." "Hall of Fame is definitely a roadside attraction." "Good point." " Niagara Falls." " Fuck the Falls." "I just went back to the Falls for the first time." "I have not been to Niagara Falls since I was 5 years old and my parents took us on a road trip and shit." "We drove up to the Falls." "My parents had honeymooned there." "So I guess they wanted to go back." "My old man wanted to get another crack at her up at the Falls." "So I was 5 years old, and we went to the fucking Falls me, my brother, my sister, my parents and shit and took those fake photographs, when it was about the barrels and shit." "You stood in a fake barrel with the fake Falls behind, and you reacted." "Like you were going over it." "As if anyone would be hanging outside a barrel to go down the Falls and you can see the stairs under my feet and shit." "But the one thing they did do was take us up in a fucking helicopter." "You know, they sent..." "It was my mom, I guess..." "No, my dad." "My dad was the one that was like, "Let the kids go up in a helicopter."" "My mom was like, "No." My dad was like, "No, they'll be fine."" "Because I think my old man was like:" ""If the kids die, I get another crack at her alone."" "Because we were all crammed in the same room and shit." "So either that, or my old man was like:" ""While they're up in the helicopter and shit I'm gonna go tag her in the bathroom."" "Which I would like to think of my parents as being those people." "Who are just like, "Are the kids up there?" "All right, fucking do it quick."" "Which I don't..." "I don't think is disrespectful." "Like, my old man died last year, and I miss him like mad." "My mother misses him way, way fucking more." "But the older you get in life, the more you realize your parents are as full of shit as anybody else." "They're just like you, they probably did the same shit you do, shit like that." "And so I like to think of my parents not so much as, you know:" "Gods up on fucking pillars, as two people who are trying to fucking get it on in a bathroom, in a public restroom." "Like that, where old man's like, "You get on the other side of this wall and fucking glory-hole me, woman." You know." "It's true, though." "Whenever..." "I do miss my father but whenever I miss him, I just think of him in very human terms and shit." "Because when you miss the dead, you tend to really you know, think of all these wonderful things that they did and they had no flaws and shit like that." "And I tend to..." "To combat the emotions and the tears I tend to try to humanize my father as much as possible and just think about my old man being like..." "Trying to wake my mother up in the middle of the night rubbing it on her asshole." "And then my mother being like, "You're crazy." "Not now."" "Then my old man being like, "All right, just watch while I jerk off, then."" "And then I just kind of get silly." "I giggle." "Like, yeah, that was probably my father." "Because you never get to know that aspect of your parents, right?" "Particularly when they go away early." "I'd always ask my dad..." "I was like, "What were your dreams and shit?"" "And my old man was too cool for school, he was just like:" ""Are you asking me because you want to rub it in that I never achieved them?" "And that you're living the fucking dream and I'm stuck here with her?" You know." "My father was..." "I love him to death, and he took me to movies and shit." "I have a career in film because my old man would take me to movies show me movies, shit like that." "My old man took me to see The World According to Garp when I was so not age-appropriate." "Like, it was the kind of movie that I should have been like:" ""This fucking blows." "Why isn't he saying, 'Nanu Nanu,"' you know." "Because it's Mork." "But he kind of..." "He just wanted..." "He took me to see movies that he wanted to see." "Which really led to me having an appreciation for film beyond the simple fucking Raiders of the Lost Ark and Superman shit." "So I do miss him quite a bit." "But I find it always helps to just think of him as this fucking dude that I might have hung out with had I been a little younger or something like that." "And talked about like, "Did you get it last night?"" "He was like, "Oh, shit dude." "Fucking all over her back."" "Or just, like, my old man trying to, like, talk my mom into a fucking three-way with a hooker." "Or maybe not a hooker, like, you know, one of my fucking aunts." "Like a..." "Not a blood aunt but, like, one of those women that you call aunt but she just..." "They know..." "You know, the friends of your parents." "Like, you know, Uncle Jay to Harley." "He's not really her uncle, but we call him Uncle Jay and shit." "Or just my old man being like:" ""Why don't you, me, and fucking Judy get it on, Grace?"" "And Grace being like, "You are so fucking high, Don."" "And my father going to work every night at the fucking post office a soul-killing fucking job, just sitting there, processing mail." "He was a guy that canceled stamps, right?" "Whenever you got your mail and the stamp was cancelled that was my old fucking man." "And he hated fucking doing it and the only thing that kept him alive, night after night, was like:" ""I'm gonna get those two together." "Oh, sweet Jesus, I'm gonna get them together." "And it's gonna make up for this shit, I'll tell you what." "Then I'm gonna take Kev to see a matinee."" " Are we done, sir?" "Right on." " Thanks." "Good on you, with the Chuck Norris." "I'm not gonna let my mom see this." "Yes?" "So who's the biggest dick in Hollywood?" "Me." "I don't know, sir." "I don't know." " Who's the biggest dick I ever met?" " Yeah." "That we would know." "I guess he's up there." "Eisner, I mean, I never really had dealings with him." "Chuck Norris, I mean I don't know." "Tim Burton, Affleck." "No, no, not really." "Who?" "Who?" "The black guy?" ""The black guy, eh?" "You know, the one." "He's black."" "No." "No." "I can't honestly..." "There's the biggest dick I ever met." "Matt Damon is so not a dick." "He's a good guy." "I don't know." "Honestly, like, you know there are people I've talked about and shit." "And Doherty's not a dick." "She's actually all right." "Who?" "Russell Crowe I never met." "Maybe, though." "What?" "Apparently everybody has an idea except me." "You really should have directed it to them." "Yeah, I guess so." "But I don't know, there are people I've worked with that I haven't liked and I've, of course, talked about them at great lengths." "But I guess since that DVD I haven't really met anybody that I haven't really liked." "Although, there are people that I haven't liked that I used to like and now I'm just like, "What a dick."" " Such as?" " Mel Gibson." " Okay." " What happened?" "What happened to Riggs?" "Martin Riggs went..." "Really went crazy." "Like, fucking nuts, to the point where he's just like:" ""I'm not about stem cells." "I don't believe in chewing up little babies and feeding them to people."" "Like, "What?"" "Like, Gibson's..." "You know, he makes the fucking Passion, which, whatever." "But apparently during the Passion shit like, it outs that his old man is like a Holocaust denier." "Which is like, "What?"" "Your old man is one of those people that's just like, "It wasn't 6 million." "Maybe 2." "And I even doubt that." "And it was probably their own fucking fault."" "Strange shit like that." "And they belong to this real weird sect of Catholicism where they just don't recognize any pope post-Vatican II." "They like it when the priest was turned around, facing the other way." "Because back in the old pre-Vatican II, the Church..." "Mass used to be in Latin, and the priest would face away." "So he was always doing this shit." "And you'd be in the audience going, "What's going on?" "Oh, he's making Jesus."" "Like a cooking show but from the back." "But then he, you know, went and made the fucking..." "The Passion which, to me, was like, "Why bother?"" "Why would you bother making another movie about Jesus after The Last Temptation of Christ?" "The Last Temptation of Christ, to me, was the ultimate Jesus movie, right?" "Took Jesus, made him more interesting than he had ever been in the Bible." "Because in the Bible, it's all, you know, beatitudes and miracles and shit like that." "And then he dies, and he's a sacrificial lamb and he always has something nice to say or the right thing to say at the right time and shit." "But Last Temptation of Christ made him total pimp." "Because he was just like, "I don't know if I wanna be God."" "And then he goes out to the desert, and he comes back and he's like, "I used to believe in love, now I believe in this."" "And it's a fucking axe, and you're like, "Get him, Jesus!" "Cut him down!" "Break the chain of evil!" "Oh, Jesus is here!" "Shit's on!" "Kick his ass." "Kick his ass!"" "And then the fucking Passion movie they took the man's balls away." "Suddenly he was back to, like you know, "Blessed are the cheesemakers," and shit like that." "And then take it one step further, and they're like:" ""Let's beat the fuck out of Jesus."" "And they beat him up and shit, and just, I don't know I fucking took a lot of shit for making a movie about religion that had a fucking rubber poop monster in it." "And they made a movie where it was just like:" ""Is this Jesus?" "You fucking, fucking, fucking faggot!" You know." "Like total hate-crime Jesus." "Beat the shit out of him because he was a man of peace." ""We want war."" "And people went in droves." "They fucking paid." "They paid to go watch it and shit." "I was in..." "Where was I?" "I was in Texas the day that it opened." "And there was a multiplex that, like, had fucking 12, 24 screens something like that." "Religious group came in, bought every fucking screen and showed the Passion on all those screens." "Busloads of fucking Jesus-loving Christians coming in with kids." "Getting off the bus with little fucking kids who were just like, "We can't wait to see Jesus get beat up."" "And I was taught to love Jesus, not fucking beat him up." "So that movie, I was just so..." "So not down with." "And just..." "It didn't deviate, right?" "That's why I didn't feel the need to see it because like, fuck it, I read the book." "I know what's gonna happen." "It's like going into Titanic and shit." "The whole time, I was just like, "The boat fucking sinks."" "Like, we all know this." "There is no chance that the boat won't sink." "At least you go in to see fucking, like, you know, any..." "Of course, evil usually gets triumphed by good and shit like that." "But every once in a while, they throw you a curveball." "Empire Strikes Back ends miserably." "Everybody's like, "Oh, Jesus, everything went wrong." "And fucking he's gone, and this dude got his hand cut off and she liked the dude, but he was like, 'I know' and that was it, and fucking..."" "Nobody got what they wanted and Vader was just like, "I'll be back," you know, and..." "And then in the next movie everybody wins." "So..." "But, you know, you had no idea that was coming." "But with the fucking Jesus movie, like Titanic you know what's gonna happen." "Jesus is gonna hit the iceberg." "No two ways about it." "Any movie with Jesus in it is gonna end like this:" "So I was just like, "Fuck it." "I don't wanna go and see that."" "Like, you wanna show me a movie about Christ show me a movie about Christ's life where Christ's walking around, going, "You, get up, Zippy." "Right on." "You, here's some fish." "Where's the loaves?" "Coming at you." You know." "Not the movie where it's just like:" ""Oh, fuck," you know." ""Not again."" "If it were me, I would have deviated from the text I'd have done something a little differently." "Because fuck it, you know." "You know everyone's going anyway because they're Christians, right?" "What else they got to do?" "It's that, or watch Touched by an Angel." "So they're all going so they're expecting the fucking same old, same old and shit like that." "Just give them something different." "Spin it a little bit." "I would have..." "I would have set the movie up a little bit differently." "I wouldn't have gone like he did where we go through the passion of Christ and it ends with him fucking dying." "I say, fuck it, let him die right at the top." "Right away." "Curtain comes up and shit:" "The Passion of..." "Fucking... .the" "Christ, as told by Smitty." "And right away, it's just:" "And he's getting nailed up and shit like that." "And everyone's like, "Die, king of the Jews."" "And he's just like, "Oh, man." "Fucking at least we're gonna fucking do it." "You know, at least I'm gonna save these fucking people, shit like that."" "Five minutes, right away." "So the whole time, people are going:" ""I guess maybe they're gonna tell it in fucking flashback form." "Maybe we're gonna start at the end and work backwards."" "But, no, we don't do that." "Because just as he's out there about to die and pass into his fucking heavenly kingdom, the glory of God two ninjas swing in." "Two fucking ninjas swing in, wielding Uzis, just:" "Spraying centurions, and they're like, "Good God!" "Ninjas with Uzis!" "This is the most anachronistic movie ever made."" "And... hitting the ground." "And one fucking ninja scurries up the cross pulls out the claw hammer, pulls the nails out." "Puts Jesus over his shoulder, and he's like, "I'm supposed to die."" "And he's like, "Not on my watch."" "Then you've got interesting places to go." "Because you can go anywhere with that movie." "If I'm sitting there and that happened, I'd be like, "I'm fucking in."" "They get him to a safe distance and shit, and he's like, "Who are you?"" "And they pull off the masks:" "Jay and Silent Bob." "And that's it, they only have a cameo." "And then they're like..." "Silent Bob says something, pulls a quote from Star Wars and they pimp away, and Christ is left to live a normal life and shit." "And he's like, "I think I'm gonna become a fucking accountant." "I like numbers, you know." "I was real good with them loaves and the fishes." "Fuck it, I like numbers." "Multiplication is my bag."" "And then he's just like, "Fuck Christianity." "I'm a Satanist now."" "And he starts holding black masses when he's not doing math." "Like, you would fuck with a billion Christians' heads." "They'd be like, "Is this in the fucking book?" "Religion just came to life."" "You'd see a lot more kids get into it." "They're like, "Jesus is into Satan?" "Yes!" "I am down with G-O-D."" "But it don't fucking happen like that." "So I didn't go see that fucking movie." "Fuck it." "Me neither." "What was your question?" "The biggest dick in Hollywood." " Biggest dicks in Hollywood?" " Yeah." "Jesus." "Jesus fucking figures out..." "All right, did you ever see that movie Race With the Devil?" "Definitely not." "Race With the Devil is this old movie from the '70s with Warren Oates in it, right?" "Warren Oates, Loretta Swit and two other actors." "Who's the other one?" "Peter Fonda's the other one." "I forget who the other broad was." "And they're in a Winnebago, and they're driving around the country because this is, you know..." "That's what you did in the '70s." "And they come to a campground, shit like that and they're camping out, and they hear some music in the distance." "And they go out and look, and they go through the bushes and shit and there's a satanic ritual going on." "This little cult is sacrificing a virgin and shit." "And they see it, and they go:" "And then the Satanists turn around, and they're like:" "And they fucking spend the rest of the movie chasing this Winnebago." "Put Jesus in that movie." "As the guy who drives the Winnebago." "You know, there's some metaphor you can mix in there." "Christ is always leading us away from..." "And at the end of the movie, to get away from the Satanists they all hide behind a rock." " We good?" " We're good." " Thank you, sir." " Thanks." " Thank you, sir." " Thanks." "What would you do for a flying car?" "Lord?" "What would I do for a flying car?" "Fucking I would suck two dicks, sir." "Even if they were like, "You just gotta suck one."" "I'd be like, "That's worth two to me."" "You're can have a fucking sword fight in my mouth for the flying car." "Oh, like you wouldn't do it." "You're all liars." "Suck three dicks for the flying car." "Three at once." "Take it up the chute." "I'd fucking, turn me..." "Fuck you, I'm honest." "Turn me into a fucking pincushion, you give me a flying car." "Fuck you, straight people!" "Sir." "Okay, I don't know what the fuck to say to follow that." "You should be saying, "Sir, I have a flying car."" "And it's gonna cost you." "No, so my serious question was there's a little news article circulating the Internet about a week ago." "I know it's not true, but it was about Ben Affleck saying that he's pissed off at you about you making him..." "Like, appearances he doesn't wanna make." "And I know it's not true." "You've debunked it on your website." "I was wondering, maybe you could explain the story for us?" " Clarify?" "Yeah." " Yes." "So in an interview, he fuck..." "Somebody's like:" ""Hey, Kevin was mad you didn't go to the..."" "We had an opening of Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash in Westwood where we did a signing of the Clerks X DVD and the Jersey Girl DVD, which came out that same day." "I was like, "You want to come down?"" "Knowing, in a million years he never would." "Affleck doesn't do that kind of shit." "He's too busy fucking his career up." "So he was like, "No, dude, you know I'm not gonna do that."" "I said, "It's totally fucking cool."" "And when they interviewed him on the Surviving Christmas junket was just like, "Kevin was really mad you didn't go to that signing."" "Which I totally wasn't." "He knew I wasn't, but whatever." "But he was like, "Fuck Kevin and his fucking store." "And fucking putting himself on the all merchandise."" "The same fucking routine he always does." "The same, "You fucking sell shit with your face on it, you QVC whore."" "Go-to joke that he uses all the time." "And somebody..." "It was in the..." "Somebody put it, you know..." "Did a transcript of the interview on Dark Horizons and then this woman named Jeannette Walls who runs a column called The Scoop on MSNBC..." "She's a gossip whore." "I'm sorry, columnist." " Took a piece of the transcript, you know not kind of saying..." "Not putting it in context whatsoever, and said like:" ""Affleck's gone nuts and now he's just lashing out at his friends," and shit like that." "Called you gay." " What?" " Called you gay." "Called me gay." "Did he, in that piece?" "He called me gay?" "Oh, he wrote...?" "He signed it on the book?" "I know." "He stole my move." "I used to..." "Every time somebody gives me a Dogma book or a cover to the video, I always write "so gay" with an arrow pointing at him." "And now he's fucking like:" ""Dude, if I get to them first, I'm doing it." "I'm..." "So then you got nowhere to go."" "And then..." "So he writes "so gay," with an arrow pointing to me and then I write "not really, but really gay" with an arrow pointing to him." "Or I don't even write "gay" anymore I just write "Gigli," with an arrow pointing to him." "So anyway, Jeannette Walls ran it as, like, an item going like, "These two are at fucking war." "Affleck's gone out of his mind and he's attacking his friends and shit."" "But it was so not the case and it's such a shame that I had to fucking explain it at all and shit." "But not to you, just that I had to explain it on the website." "But I talked to him after that, I was like:" ""Dude, did you see what Jeannette Walls did?"" "And he was just like, "Dude, you knew I was kidding."" "I was like, "I knew you were kidding, but it's been excerpted places and people are trying to run it as a real item and shit like that." "So I just want you to know that from now on, I'm gonna say like:" "'I'm sorry, I couldn't read it, because I was too busy dodging a falling star."'" "And he was like, "Oh, you fucking bitch, you just..." "Now I mean it all."" "But it was just kind of a joke that got taken out of context." "Proving once again that they will find anything to write about that dude." "Like he's that fascinating." "Like, I love Ben, I think he's really funny and shit not that interesting." "Not interesting enough to warrant an item every week in US Weekly." "Which has really become Ben Weekly." "Which I actually kind of like, but..." "But, God, everything, they'll fucking write about." "There was one piece where they were like, "He wears a wig." "He was getting into a fucking game of Grab Ass at a bar with Vince Vaughn and Vince Vaughn ripped his wig off."" "We were shooting Jersey Girl at the time and I was like, "Dude, did you read this?"" "And he was like, "Grab Ass?" "Vince Vaughn?" "I haven't seen Vince Vaughn in two years."" "I'm like, "Keep reading." "Fucking wig!"" "I was like, "Yes, sir, yes." "They say you have a wig."" "He's like, "Fucking it's not a wig, dude, pull my hair."" "I was like, "I'll take your word for it, sir."" "But, yeah, they'll just fucking write shit about a bitch, man." "My heart goes out to him because he's had a bad fucking year with people just going like, "Let's fucking beat up on him and shit."" "But it just means that his comeback will be that much sweeter." "And God willing, it'll be in a film that I do because then that motherfucker will owe me so big." "So big, and then I'll be like:" ""You show up at a fucking signing, bitch."" " We good?" " Yeah, fuck the media." "Yeah, thanks." " Yeah, fuck the media, yes." " Fuck the media." " Yeah, fuck them hard, sir." " Fucking media." "Fuck them hard until I need them to promote a movie, then love them." "Bring the wife on-stage before you go." " What?" " Bring the wife up." "Bring the wife up?" "Is she...?" "Is she back there?" "Is the wife back there?" "Well, come on up, hon." "Come on up." "Get her this microphone, would you?" "Yes, yes, because we have to ask you a question." "She's got sweet titties!" "She does, sir, she does." "And you just ensured yourself that you'll never get to fuck her." "I don't know what you heard chicks don't really respond to that kind of attention." "You got sweet titties!" "You'll be throttling your cock for a lifetime with moves like that, sir." "Chicks like a more subtle approach than that." "Just for future reference." "She got the mike?" "You got the mike?" " She don't wanna answer, sir." " I'm too shy." " Just answer this one question." " Jay's gonna answer them for me." " Just answer one question." " I took off my gear." "How much of the shit I say..." "What'd I say?" "What'd I say?" "How much of the shit I say is true?" "She said, "None of it."" "Answer this question:" "Is your hand in Mewes' lap?" " No, sir." " No, no!" "He got up to look and shit." "He's like:" "Third question do you indeed have sweet titties?" " I do indeed." " "I do indeed."" "I mean, she does, indeed, she said." " What?" " She says." "Indeed, she does, she says." "What was the answer to the sweet-titties question?" "I didn't get it." " She said, yeah, she does." " Yeah." "Yes." "Yes." "The better answer to that is, "Not as sweet as yours, man boobs."" "I'm not as quick as you are." "I always gotta be writing for fucks." "Let's get to your question, though, sir." "Okay, my name's Dan, and it's half for you and half for Mewes." "I was wondering how much you had to pay Shannon Elizabeth to make out with Mewes on-screen." "Oh, sir, come on." "He's asking him how much he paid." "Just back up and stand under a light, sir." "So we can see you." "You're like fucking Batman." " That way?" " You're out of the light, sir." " Sir, really?" "Really in the light?" " Come into the light, sir." " Sir." " We're almost done." "Come up on-stage, sir." "But he asked you the question." "Ask the question again." "How much did Sha...?" "How much did you guys have to pay Shannon...?" "It was a lot of money until she saw this, sir." "Hold on." "No, not there." "Nana's there, and Jeff." "But, sir, come back." "Come on." "Ask Kevin." "How much was it?" "How much did she get paid?" " I'd like to know too." " Not a lot." "Not a lot." " See?" "Almost free, sir." " She got paid..." "She got paid to be in the movie, sir, but the kissing was for free." "And how many practice takes did you get with her?" "He made sure a lot." "I was like, "Make sure I'm gonna..."" " That's how I made 200 bucks." " It's really not the same as if..." "You know, like, if I found someone here and brought her in the back." "Because it's like, "Action," and you're like:" "Which is as a big a hint as, "I like Tim Hortons."" "What?" "What?" "Tim Hortons?" " A hint." " A hint of?" "Because you're like, "It's not the same as if I found someone..."" " If I get to fuck someone here tonight?" " There it is." "I saw a girl go:" "Are you raising your hand?" "What?" "Wait, wait, what are we doing?" "She raised..." "Come up to the mike, ma'am." "What was the...?" "He mentioned having sex, and then you were like:" "What's that all about?" "What's that all about, eh?" "He's fucking hot." "He's the hottest piece of ass I've ever seen." "Sir..." "So we're gonna fuck, you're saying?" "What now, sir?" "You want...?" "Use the thumb!" "Throw some half-half-whole up in that piece." "Wait, wait, no." "Show them what half-half-whole is, sir." "Show them what half-half-whole is." " You saw it." "It's..." " You show them." "Do half-half..." "Dude, you have to do it." "Go on." " I don't want to." " It's your signature move, sir." "Let the people know what half-half-whole is." " I don't wanna do it." " Just a little taste." " On the spot, I can't do it." " You just did it." "Just..." " It's that..." "I can't do it." " I'll do the voice, you do the move." " Ready?" " All right." "Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Jason Mewes, half-half-whole." "Sex with Jason Mewes." "Ready?" "Half, half, whole." "Then you gotta give the swivel head, ready?" "Half-half-whole, swivel head." "There's more, there's more." "Wait, ready?" "Wait." "Oh, he's not done yet, ma'am." "Because after the half-half-whole comes this slight moderation." "Ready?" "Half, half, whole." "Swivel." " Is there more?" " One more." " What is it?" " You'll see." "Ready?" "You know it, you know it." " I just got to follow you?" " Follow me, here we go." "I don't know what we're doing." " You'll follow..." "You'll hear it." " All right." "Half, half, whole." "Swivel." "Hide behind a rock." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you."