"Dad... dad, what's with that bathrobe?" "It's..." "What... what's wrong with the bathrobe?" "I've never seen you wear that." "It's a little shiny." "Well, it's not supposed to look shiny." "It's supposed to look luxurious." "You know, it sort of makes you look French." "Is that bad?" "I've never seen that robe." "I've never seen you wear that." "Well, I never had the occasion, you know." "It's been a long time." "Since I've had to take the robe out." "You only take it out on special occasions?" "Why are you wearing the robe?" "Well, you know why, because we had company last night, and I thought I should look nice in the morning." "I don't remember having company last night, dad." "Well, this is after you went to sleep." "I had a, uh..." "I had a sleepover date, Ben." "Shut up, dad." "You did not." "I did." "Why the robe, dad, really?" "Well, here's what happened." "I went to the ethical therapists convention, and she's..." "I thought she was one of them, but, apparently, not last night." "You had a woman in your bed last night?" "But, dad, this is..." "This is..." "I mean, this is wrong." "This is like a..." "Go ahead, say it." "Just say it." "I mean, if you think that I did something wrong," "I would like to know about it." "I mean, do you even know this woman?" "I mean, you met her one night at a convention?" "That sounds..." "Well, we had this incredible chemistry." "Everything just clicked, you know..." "The way she looked at me, the conversation," "I felt witty, I felt sexy, I felt..." "But those are all disgusting things, dad." "How do you bring a woman home, you know, into our house?" "This is the family home." "What kind of woman just comes home with a man in one night?" "Don't make it seem so cheap." "Well, dad, it was." "I mean, it sort of was cheap." "I mean, don't you feel responsible to develop a relationship with a woman before you bring her over to the house, and have her over here?" "That's what we did in the cab." "Oh." "Where is she?" "Where did she go?" "She had to leave early." "She went to work." "See, this is all..." "You know, I really think you're going to like her." "She's a neural anatomist over at city hospital." "A neuro-amatomist?" "Anatomist." "She does brain research." "Oh, well, I guess that makes it all right then, huh?" "If she does brain research." "You know what she does every morning?" "She puts a cat to sleep, and then studies their brains." "Oh, wow, that's interesting." "Before she's had her first cup of coffee, she's killed eight cats." "Wow." "Well, it's..." "That's all I'm saying." "She has made a commitment." "Yeah." "She actually was published." "She did a paper about chickens." "And their peripheral vision." "Wow." "Which, you know, if you put a chicken on a train, they can't really follow the scenery." "You know what I mean?" "That sounds great, dad." "All sounds great." "I tell you, if she's anything like her perfume..." "That's me." " That's you?" " Yeah." "I'm wearing a fragrance that..." "You're wearing a fragrance." "You know, I keep it in the pocket of the robe." "For occasions like this." "Yeah, but that hasn't been used in a while, huh?" "Well, it's been, you know..." "I've been on a dry spell." "Well, I guess I'm happy for you, dad." "I mean that..." "Well, you sure have an odd way of showing your happiness for me." "I think that you should be thrilled that your father, at the age of 48, is finally pursuing a healthy, full..." "Yeah." "Relationship with a, uh..." "With a teen." "With a happy-go-lucky teen." "No, I'd think you'd be happy for me." "That I met somebody who I'm fond of." "And that we hit it off." "And that maybe something will evolve here." "You know, I don't even know you anymore, dad." "I mean you're not the man I married." "What's that smell?" "I don't smell it." "You don't smell it?" "Give me a hint." "It's sort of like, uh..." "Like something that's trying to be a cologne." "Oh, oh, oh, oh.." "You know what that is?" "It's a fragrance for men." "Oh." "Oh, and you're wearing it." "I get it." "What do you think?" "It takes some getting used to." "Oh, that's a good name for it." "No, no, no, no you don't understand." "That's not the name of the cologne." "That's what's required of the people who are exposed to it." "Oh." "Well, um, I don't mean to be mean or anything, but could you go in your office." "'Cause the fumes are starting to sting my eyes." "It takes some getting used to." "Hi, I'm Lew Schneider." "Hi, um, I'm not crazy." "I mean, I just have some things" "I want to talk about." "I mean, not everyone." "Who comes in here is crazy, you know." "And for you to think that is wrong." "Boy, you know what?" "I never realized how hungry a poor, little baby got." "Sure, sure." "You know, I remember sitting in our apartment going..." "You know, you have to go..." "We'd say, "Do you want to check the baby?"" "And you have to check the baby." "Every 7 to 10 seconds, you know, when you're a new parent." "So I go in, bang, hit the crib, and he sort of startles, then he's fine, and I leave." "And then like an hour later, he's screaming at the top of his lungs." "And I said, "Oh, my God." "He's screaming." "What's the matter?"" "And Liz says, "Oh, he must be hungry."" "Well, that's very hungry." "I mean, that is very hungry." "When was the last time you were that hungry?" "You know, one minute, you're sleeping, and the next minute..." "Aah!" "Wow, that's very hungry." "Yeah." "It's a good thing you lose that impulse," "I mean, 'cause it would be awful in restaurants." ""Yes, I need..." "I'd like to order, waitress."" ""I'll be right with you."" ""You'll be right with me right now." "Aah!"" "We brought our baby over to my single friend's house." "Not a single woman, single man." "My friend Otis's house." "We've talked about Otis." "It made me feel so uncomfortable." "I mean, first of all, you bring a kid over to a single guy's house, it's like when they used to bring those exotic animals onto those talk shows." "It's like, "Here, you want hold him?"" ""No, no, no, no." "Now, wait a minute." ""Let me ask you a question." "Is he full grown?"" ""Oh, no." "They could grow to be six feet." "Six feet, 180 pounds."" ""No, you're kidding." "What's he eat?"" ""Oh, he'll eat anything." "You want to let him lick you?"" ""No, no, no, no!"" "And they don't even understand." "I mean, maybe I was like that." "But it just seemed," "I'm just so conscious of it." "It was like Otis's house of glass and edges and flame." "It was unbelievable, the whole house." "It was like we were sitting in a camping stove." "It was the most dangerous place in the world." "I got in a weird situation." "I hurt my son not too long ago." "I didn't mean to." "He was doing that little kid flop, you know, where they just, sort of, all their bones turn to mush." "And they lie on the sidewalk." "And I picked him up by the arm, and I didn't yank him or anything, but somehow, his little elbow." "Went out of joint and, of course," "I couldn't bring him to the hospital." "'Cause I didn't want to spend the night in jail, so I just called the doctor and said," ""What do we do?"" "And they said, "Well, you can fix this at your house."" "And they told me how to pop his elbow back in, and I did it." "It was very easy, actually." "I was able to put his dislocated elbow back into place." "And that was kind of cool." "Now, I just..." "For guests," "I'll actually just pull a limb out." "And put it back just for show." "You know, I've been, uh..." "I've been mulling over, you know, what happened this morning." "And, uh, you know, I was upset a little earlier." "Well, I'm glad that passed." "But that did pass, and, now, I'm a little bit proud, but also still a little bit upset." "And I was going to actually call..." "Call mom and tell her, but I decided against it." "Tell her what?" "And tell her about the woman, you know, that was with you." "Why would you..." "Why would you even think of it?" "Well, I thought about it." "Because, I mean, mom has a right to know." "That you're seeing other people, and, uh, she didn't know that, and I was going to tell her, but now, I decided against it." "I don't think she would even care, to tell you the truth." "I think she would, dad." "I mean..." "Ben, your mother expects me to see other women." "She's told you that?" "She's given me an ultimatum." "No, she hasn't said it in so many words, but it's only natural after being separated for 10 years, divorced for 8 of those, that I would pursue a relationship with another woman." "Ha ha..." "I see what you're doing dad." "You're getting back at mom because she's seeing other people, you know." "She takes a couple of lessons with a race car driver..." "Well, good for her." "And you're upset about that." "Ben, I could care less." "What your mother does in her private..." "Her private life is her private life." "Uh-huh." "You know, I didn't realize." "That she was involved with a race car driver." "Oh, yeah." "For a couple of months now." "Yeah." "I hope she's happy." "Professional, competitive racing, or just an enthusiast?" "No, professional." "Totally professional." "Stock cars?" "I don't really know what kind of car." "I don't want to get involved in the..." "You know who taught your mother." "How to drive a stick shift?" "Um, I'm here for the 11:00 appointment." "It's 11:30, Mr. Braudis." "I'm sorry." "I'm afraid you've missed it." "You'll have to reschedule." "Oh." "Can I reschedule it for 12:00?" "No." "Actually, that's when Dr. Katz takes his lunch." "Well, can I go with him?" "Yes." "Sorry about lunch, Bill, but I think there's just too much..." "To many things to distract us in the diner." "But would you like one of these mints?" "Well, what about..." "What kind of aspirations did you have then?" "When I was a little boy, I had two dreams." "One was to grow up..." "Yeah." "And the other was to be a professional baseball player." "You know, I love baseball." "I played in little league back in college, and my nickname was "Mister."" "I went to San Francisco, and it was great there." "The first day there, I had my nipple pierced." "Huh." "And it's okay." "They caught the guy." "I have a..." "I'm wearing contact lenses, and, um, they're new." "And, uh, they're the soft ones, you know." "And when I first got them," "I put them in backwards, you know, and I could see my brain." "I could see the word "Farming"" "way in the back of my brain." "It was a..." "It was the answer to a question on a test" "I had in the sixth grade." "And at the time, I couldn't think of it." "But now, I remember it was farming." "Do you remember the question?" ""What do farmers do?"" "It's weird though when, you know, when people first find out." "That I'm wearing contact lenses, they can't believe it." "They feel like they've been deceived." "You know, that this is something." "They should have known about." "They're always staring at me." ""You mean you're wearing contact lenses?" "I didn't know that."" "Well, yeah." "That's the whole idea." "See, if I wore the lenses, and then drew glasses on my face." "With a big, fat, green crayon, just so you would know, what's the point?" "Johnny, what is that..." "Are you wearing a Cologne?" "I... you know what you're smelling?" "It's a medicated powder that..." "I have a rash." "That's nice." "I like it." "What are you laughing at?" "It's nice." "I like it a lot." "What is your problem, Stanley?" "What's so funny about a guy with a rash?" "The old rash excuse." "You're wearing perfume, aren't you?" "No, I'm not wearing perfume." "Cologn-ya?" "I am wearing..." "I have a rash, that's all, from a..." "You know, Katz, I kind of recognize the scent, so you can't pull one over on me." "I remember five years ago, you were wearing the same scent?" "Well, that's..." "When you were all hot for that temp." "Remember that temp that became a "perm"?" "Is that..." "Is that true?" "It's true." "I met..." "I met someone last night, and, uh, I..." "Oh... cute." "Why is that?" "What's so cute about it?" "I mean, a man and a woman in a weak moment." "It's just a whole other side of you." "That I just never see, and there's something so sweet." "About your making this effort to wear Cologne." "It's just cute." "Stanley, will you explain to me what's going on here?" "It's natural for women." "To think that men in love are adorable." "That's the way they are." "You throw in bald and petite, like you, and, you know, you got some cute stuff there." "Shut up, Stanley." "I'm just so happy that you found someone new, John." "Uh, hello." "You know, I recently switched dry cleaners." "Could that..." "I think that might be worth something, a little... a high-five, a peck on the cheek?" "A cheek on the peck?" "You know, I had a weird experience at the..." "With the doctor." "You know, I don't respond well to treatment." "I think that's part of the problem is that I don't respond well to treatment." "I call up a doctor." "First of all, I never see my doctor." "Because I'm in an HMO." "They don't want you to come in." ""You called me?"" ""I'm sick." "Don't come in." "No, no, don't come in."" ""Is there a doctor there?"" ""No, no, no."" "It's like The Wizard of Oz." ""There's no doctor, pay no attention to us."" "It's like you're reaching a post office box somewhere." "You can't go in." "Finally... he finally called me back, and I said, "I have a cold, I have a cough."" "He says, "Okay, a cough." "Now, is that a productive cough?"" "I said, "What do you mean productive?"" "And he says, "Well, are you coughing up a lot of mucus?"" "I said, "Well, yes, but I'm not using it for anything."" "I had..." "I had a weird experience." "At the dentist, too." "I... well, maybe it's my own fault." "I was goofing around with the dentist." "A little bit the last time I'd been there, and, you know, he was saying," ""Oh, you've got to take better care of your teeth."" "And I said, "I will, doctor."" ""I'm really going to concentrate this time." "I'm going to brush, and I'm even going to get some of that string."" "Doctor, are you awake?" "I'm with you." "Anyway, you know, I'm frustrated." "Tell me about it." "I mean, tell me about it." "Because part of the way I express myself." "Is through sarcasm." "I mean, sometimes people get it, sometimes they don't." "What about the guy who first used sarcasm?" "That must've been horrible." ""How's that food?" "Is it hot enough for you?"" ""Oh, yeah, it's plenty hot."" ""Good."" ""No, it's not hot!" "It's cold!"" ""Why didn't you say that?"" ""I was being something."" "Whoo." "This is this..." "This is just, uh..." "Just awful." "I had a near-death experience." "I almost choked to death on an ice-cube." "It was the weirdest way to go." "I mean, I didn't die, but I had a terrible feeling of my life flashing." "As this ice cube's stuck in my windpipe." "And I'm doing this panicky math equation of," ""I've got half-inch-wide ice-cube stuck." "In my half-inch-wide trachea." "I might die." "Oh, no, wait a minute, the ice is melting, but it's melting slowly." "How long can my brain go without oxygen?" "I have to get to a warmer room!"" "Hi, dad." "Ben?" "Ben, jeez, nice to see..." "Nice to bump into you like this." "Well, I thought I should be out of the house, dad, you know, 'cause of your lady friend..." "Oh, no." "I gave her..." "Might be stopping by." "I gave her the night off." "Oh, you did?" "Yeah." "Oh, you're not seeing her tonight." "Well, you never know, though, you know, I mean, like last night, it can just happen, huh?" "Well, you know what?" "We both need to sort of..." "We both need to kind of absorb the experience." "It was sort of a whirlwind kind of..." "Oh, so maybe it happened too fast, huh?" "Uh, no regrets, but I just..." "I have to make some sense out of it." "You don't feel guilty at all about what had happened?" "No." "You know, though, I'm going to head to the mall, and I'm going to go to the pet store." "And look at some of the animals, and the..." "Yeah, it seems like you're spending." "A lot of the time at the pet store these days, Ben." "Well, they're the, uh..." "At the pet store, dad, you're not, uh..." "Let's put it this way, you're not betrayed by the animals, you know?" "Not yet." "I've actually also had my eye on this dog." "I've been visiting this dog for quite some time now." "I'm starting to feel like I'm leading him on." "Well, look, why don't you come home with me?" "We'll have some dinner, just the two of us." "Actually, I was going to make Shepherd's pie, which I know..." "Don't tease me, dad." "I'm not teasing you." "Hey, Ben, you do know." "That you're the most important person." "In my life, don't you?" "You understand that." "Mm." "Come on, Ben, what do you say?" "Shepherd's pie, grape soda, the works?" "I don't know, dad." "Mashed potatoes?" "Mashed potatoes?" "What do you think?" "I still don't know." "With the brown gravy that you love." "Brown gravy?" "Yeah." "I think it's still brown." "Is it old?" "Dad." "It's plenty old." "Yeah." "What else you got going?" "That's it." "Hey, dad, look at..." "Take a look at this one." "Yeah." "That's Mr. Pemberton." "Oh, he is a cutie." "That's Mr. Pemberton." "Say hello to Mr. Pemberton." "How do you do, sir?" "I never know how to act in front of a dog." "You know what I'm thinking for this puppy?" "Yeah." "Put a bowler hat on him." "And just take him out for walks all the time." "He has something very dignified about him, the way he carries himself." "Not at all, but, I mean, it's just the name." "The name is dignified." "The puppy is not." "Yeah, that thing he's doing right now on his back." "Is not so dignified." "But you can see, he's going to grow into a..." "I'm going to put some stuff." "I'm going to buy this sucker, dad, if it's the last thing I do, dress him up, take him out for walks." "It's a good way to meet people." "Well, why don't you work your way up to the puppy?" "You know, the other great thing about pets?" "What's that, Ben?" "They can pee anywhere, anywhere." "You mean they're not inhibited the way you and I are." "Yeah." "Or the way I am." "So we've been married, almost three years now." "Right, so what's the problem?" "Well, my wife..." "Yeah." "Still has not given me back the engagement ring." "What do you mean?" "Well, I gave her the ring as a promise to get married." "Right." "And we got married." "Yeah." "Give me back the ring." "You know, it's an expensive ring, and I need the cash." "That's... that's not how it works." "She gets to keep the engagement ring." "Oh!" "And the wedding band." "Could you write this down for me?" "Sure." "Now, what about your energy level in general?" "Does it seem like it's..." "Like it's..." "You know, I started lifting weights two years ago." "Mm-hmm." "And I'm almost done." "Great." "But I've been trying to get into shape." "Yeah." "You know, but there are so many." "Sure." "I was up in Eureka, California, you know, and they have the big redwood trees there, you know, and I was driving..." "I went through drive- through tree, you know." "I didn't go through it, but I hit it pretty hard." "You know?" "Yeah." "I don't know, my life has become so pathetic, that I'm just..." "What do you mean by that?" "What..." "Pathetic in what way?" "I'm just thrilled." "With the maintenance of the status quo." "I mean, if I wake up and, you know," "I'll go through that minute of panic." "If I can't find my wallet." "And then the minute I find it, it's like it's made my whole day." ""All right, my wallet!" "Yay!"" ""Why?" "What about it?"" ""I... it wasn't stolen."" ""Did it... was it?"" ""No, it never was." "I found it."" ""Did you lose it?"" ""No." "No, I still have it."" "I don't know." "I just get so excited about it." "I get excited just hearing about it, but you know what the music means."