"Hey, Jim Stanley's back from the hospital today." "Can you sign his card?" "Oh, great" ""Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a mustachectomy."" "That's not good" "Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious" "It's nice." "It's funny" "It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his mustache" "Stanley doesn't have a mustache" "Yeah, he does" "Pam, hit the brakes Stanley does not have a mustache." "I think he has a mustache" "Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day" "Phyllis, does he have a mustache or not?" "Oh, I don't know." "Now I think he doesn't" "Phyllis, what are you talking" "The whole card depends on this" "Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years" "How can none of us picture his face?" "Because we come here to do our jobs" "We don't stick our noses in other people's business" "Okay." "Which one of these looks more right?" "Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity" "That said the one on the left" "Guys, that's the elevator What if it's him?" "Okay, quick, who says "mustache"?" "Yep" "Who says "no mustache"?" "Ah!" "Hey!" "He does have one" "Yes" "Welcome back, Stanley." ""Good morning, Robert,' says no one because our receptionist is in Florida." "Pam Oh" "Is this a video conference you're having with "Drake featuring Swizz Beatz"?" "Um, no, I was just having a cup of coffee kind of warming up for the day." "People, you should come to work already warm 9:00 to 10:00 a.m. is the most productive potential that human beings..." "Sorry!" "Sorry, everyone I'm late but you are all here, so no harm done at a by my lateness" "Nellie, really, 9:50" "Oh, here's what happened." "7:46, my alarm clock goes off, I hear it, whack the snooze." "Nine minutes." "Buzz, off it goes again, whack" "Seven more times I did that Buzz, whack, buzz, whack." "By the time I got up, it was 10 minutes ago" "No will power That is my curse" "I've never believed will power was very important in a woman would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason." "Oh, I assure you I would have done" "I did And I'll keep doing it" "No, no, there's something going on some stress in your life." "Well, yes, there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense" "Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida." "Then, I have to move into my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater, suburb of a suburb and I mean no offense, but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?" "Yes" " Oh" "No offense" "None taken" "Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive." "Ooh!" "Ay caramba!" "The natives are getting restless." "Who's a native?" "Excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile" "I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court" "What does that mean?" "Okay, okay" "If you'd let me finish" "Or the squash court or the supreme court Hmm?" "Nellie?" "Yes, Robert" "You're clearly under a lot of stress with the moving and the work situation you've found yourself in" "Yeah" "Let's help her out shall we?" "Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality" "Jim, Dwight, take the day" "Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place" "Why Jim?" "What?" "The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community." "I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?" "I'm sorry." "We're taking work time to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment" "I'm still not sure why this woman is even here!" "Why is she here?" "Two crazy kids on the journey of life" "Going to Pennsylvania" "On the road with my new girlfriend" "But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend, who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania" "Oh, that must be nice" "Mmm-hmm" "It's a beautiful place Great place to let her down easy." "Oh, no, no I meant that must be nice to have parents." "Oh." "Hmm" "Time to have a little kiss" "No" "Mmm." "Sorry, right" "No kisses until the breakup is official Yes" "I believe in that Yes, so do I" "I think that's important." "That is important." "Bummer, but important" "Important." "Mmm-hmm" "I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her" "She's always late she's always rude" "It kind of makes me want to throw a really bad party." "Yeah" "On purpose" "Phyllis" "We should do it right here in the break room" "Ooh" "Order carrot cake" "And Jessica just so you know this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you" "Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman." "Okay." "That was one minute and 1 0 seconds" "Consider it nailed should try it again" "This time worst case scenario" "Okay, here we go." "Jessica, I'm really sorry." "I just need you to know" "What?" "I just need you to know" "What?" "I didn't sleep well last night" "Ow" "Nellie, that reminds me do you want this chair in the bedroom?" "'Cause I don't think it's going to fit through the door" "Don't listen to Jim." "Have you ever seen him play Tetris?" ""Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally" ""Oh, I have no idea what a gift this line is.'" "That was one time" "I will get the chair in." "Watch the great "Schrut-ini" work his magic" "Oh, no, really?" "Magic, no, no, no let's not go there" "No, nothing is more repellent than magicians" "Bunch of grown men waving wands pulling bunnies out of body crevices" "Magicians are repulsive Next topic" "Excuse me, one second" "Hi" " Hey, what's up?" "Oh, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight." "Hauling cube" "That's moving boxes" "We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler" "So, we're planning this party for Nellie, and we're going to make it really bad." "It sounds like every other party" "No, we're going to make it like a prank like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card" "Oh, hire a magician" "What?" "Trust me Okay." "Wow, there's a lot of cars here This is just weird." "Andy." "Hi, what are you doing here?" "Hey, Lauren look at you." "I'm just on my way back from this business trip thought I'd stop and say hi to Jessica" "Aw" "Why is Erin with me?" "That's a great question" "She is my co-worker and she needed a ride because she totaled her car" "Oh, God" "So I'm Erin Yeah, this is Erin" "Hi." "Nice to meet you" "Well, Jess went out for a run but she'll be back soon" "Mmm-hmm" "Hey, ladies, Andy's here" "Okay, Andy, that is a bachelorette party" "This is Jessica's friends and they've been drinking during the daytime" "Should we go?" "Yeah" "You know, we had such a quick window to make this work." "I think we should probably just" "Oh, Jess look who stopped by after his business trip" "Andy, hey are called presidential-sized in England" "a "Tweeter" account" "Yes, you should" "Ooh" "I have to see these shoes." "Oh" "Who is this guy?" "There's the two of them taking a hike" "I'm guessing he's some kind of friend" "Boyfriend" "Here's the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower" "I'm guessing he's some kind of close romantic friend" "Like a boyfriend?" "You read my mind." "Yeah" "Whoa." "Here's one with his face whited out." "Hmm" "Maybe someone threw a pie in his face." "New theory, he's a hated Italian politician" "Better theory, this is her ex-boyfriend and they went through some kind of painful breakup" "Oh" " Nellie so sorry, we were just discovered Benjamin" "That's what I call my box full of photos of Henry" "Why not call..." "Shh" "God, we owned this flat together" "Then one morning just like that, he was gone" "He ran off with a waitress at our favorite restaurant." "That's awful" "What kind of restaurant?" "Dwight afford the flat myself So I sold it at a loss" "Ah, but what's 10 years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one?" "I'm so sorry These must be very painful memories" "If it would help you to forget in the brain stem with this candlestick" "Thank you." "No" "Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don't tell anyone about this" "No, no, of course" "Just one quick question was this Halloween or" "God, no" "That's the most embarrassing thing of all of this." "What kind of fool gets her heart broken by a bloody stage magician?" "You know what, Pam?" "I was thinking maybe we should change course here" "Let's give up on all this mean stuff" "What?" "No." "No." "I just had this brilliant idea" "Everyone loved it." "You don't have a copyright on pranks at this than you" "No, that's not Jim, could you give us a hand?" "Absolutely." "Yeah" "Call it off, Pam." "Call it off, okay?" "It's way more complicated than you think." "Cancel the magician." "Trust me." "Oh, okay." "Okay, I will" "That's a great idea" "Yeah." "Okay" "Pam, we have a great idea." " Listen to this" "We're going to have the fluorescent lights flickering." "It's going to make everyone sick" "Or what if Okay." "...we discuss the idea of doing the party totally normal" "Like, not mean" "Just a regular party" "Not mean" "I knew she'd crack I wanted to leave you out, you know." "We're in far too deep We can't change course at this point" "What are you talking about?" "Of course we can" "What I mean to say is we don't want to." "Toots, we're not stopping this train, so get off the tracks" "Suck it" "Andy" "It'll be fine." "Just act natural." "Do you want a gummy penis?" "No." "I'll just have some gummy bears" "These are delicious" "But they're penises" "And we come to Matthew the guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together" "Oh, no" "Eww!" "That seems gross at first blush, right?" "But relationships are always more complicated than you think." "know Matthew's history with this other woman" "Maybe she saved his life I don't know rush to judgment about Matthew" "Maybe we don't pop that one." "No." "Pop it Pop it" "Pop it" "Hey Hey" "Sorry It's kind of a mad house" "Oh, Megan" "You are one of the good ones, Nard Dog." "Aw" "No, really." "Where's my Andy?" "He's out there" "Are you going to sing for us?" "Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so" "That's not like you That's not like you Come on, sing!" "Sing" "By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes" "Okay, they're almost here What?" "Come on!" "If you guys are going to be mean can't you at least be subtle?" "Oh, in the warehouse we'd use code names for people we wanted to talk about" "Andy was "Jelly Roll.' Mike was "Dennis the Menace.'" "Ryan was "Douche Bag.'" "Hey, that's not a code name That's just an insult" "Plus, everyone would know who you meant Yeah." "No, that's a great idea." "Yes, let's have a code name" "How about "Mondays"?" "I hate Mondays." "Mondays are the worst" "Nobody's named Monday" "Hey, how about we go with "Pam"?" "Simple, easy to remember" "Because there's someone already here named Pam" "Shh." "Here she comes" "Hey" "Welcome to your party" "Everybody, get comry now This first song's over a half-hour long." "Best gig ever." "They asked me to play only originals" "I said, "Have you heard my originals?" "They're terrible."" "They said, "Even better." I said, "I get it." "It's an ironic party for Nellie.'" "Maybe we should just go" "No, I got to do this" "Hey, Jessica can I talk to you?" "Uh, yeah, sure what's up?" "Maybe we could talk in private" "Yeah, what is it?" "Well, first, let me just say that done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends" "You're breaking up with me?" "Uh" "No." "No" "You always do this." "You twist my words around" "Part of me thinks we should just end this right now" "Oh, my God Are you leaving me for Erin?" "You said she wasn't relationship material, and she wasn't as good as me" "But it's her, isn't it?" "Whoa" "That..." "No Okay, you want honesty?" "Super honesty time I'm gay." "What?" "You did not, Kenny" "You invited me to go shopping with you" "I like hanging out with you You're a cool guy." "Which proves my point that I'm gay." "JESSICA Andy, you're not gay and you seemed pretty excitable." "Well, I was faking it." "I had to fake it every time with John Stamos doesn't make sense" "Well, I mean I was good at hiding it..." "It's fine, Andy we were going to get married or anything." "I'm just upset for now" "Understandable, and I'm really sorry I really am." "So, we should probably go" "This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague." "Excellent." "To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company" "Cheers Why, thank you." "Pam, on the other hand is a most unwelcome entitled and unfriendly presence in our company" "Cheers" "Nellie is terrific but to be honest every day, I imagine how happy I'd be if Pam died." "Oh, well, I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit enough, a good amount not the most, though, she is misunderstood and that maybe there's some stuff in her past that you guys don't know about" "that's a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with." "ALL We hate Pam!" "We hate Pam We hate Pam!" "We hate Pam" "So we've established" "No ...that you guys hate Pam" "Do you ever wish she would just disappear?" "Oh" "That was a really rough scene" "Right?" "Rough scene Yeah." "At least we can kiss now" "Oh, yeah" "You know, that stuff that I said about you to her, that's just..." "You know, I was dating her at the time." "Yeah" "Yes, of course" "Ugh" "Yeah" "Probably from seeing that turkey" "Oh, yeah" "When we drove by the farm Always does that." "Are you Nellie?" "I think you're my volunteer." "Come on over here, huh?" "No, I'll do it." "I will volunteer" "No, Nellie should No, I'll do it." "Oh, big guy, huh?" "How's the air up there?" "Watch out for birds" "All right, let's do some card magic" "Now, what I want you to do is," "I want you to pick a card just by looking at it." "Do not say what it is" "It's the four of hearts" "Oh, no, it's" "Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh?" "No hablo el cardo, senor?" "All right, the card is picked Now, sir, will you please shuffle the deck?" "You didn't just do that on purpose, did you?" "Why is Jim treating the magician poorly?" "Little known fact about me before I was a magician at a rope factory" "Not true because that's not a real place" "But I never could seem to figure out those knots" "That's not a real knot When you pull on it, it disappears." "What the hell?" "All right Where's Phyllis?" "Who's Phyllis?" "Look, this is really uncool, okay?" "I put on a clean show here" "Okay, scram, wizard What?" "You heard me" "Wow." "Nellie I'm sorry." "If I'd known" "Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician" "Well, I thought it was quite fun" "In fact, I think they're brilliant employees in their own way." "Don't you see what I see?" "Interesting, yes." "No, yes, I see that" "Great work, team Great party" "You think this is a great party?" "This cake has vegetables in it like a salad bar, Robert" "How do I get this taste out of my mouth?" "What?" "Why are we one thing." "Oh, hello" "Hey, everybody look who's here" "What are you doing here?" "Hi." "Super duper honesty time, I'm not gay" "In fact I'm so not gay that I'm in love with a girl" "Her name is Erin Hannon and she is right there." "She's sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material" "Why the hell did you come back here?" "Go away" "Get lost" "Get out Okay." "You're done!" "Get out Bye, guys." "Go." "Go." "You ruined my party" "Who does that?" "Are you kidding me?" "Yeah, run away Run away" "KENNY You're disgusting" "I can't believe you're not gay" "Yeah, get out of here" "Don't come back" "Uh-oh." "You don't even know how to drive" "Loser!" "Nice car" "Hey, Hank Yes, ma'am." "I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician" "Yes, ma'am I got my eyes open" "Well, turns out he actually made it up there." "What?" "That ain't right" "Yeah, he came and went" "Wait a minute, you said it was a magician, right?" "You don't think he could have used..." "It couldn't have been" "Let's just go" "Good night, Hank"