"Made possible thanks to EVS!" "Special Thanks to Nati.." "Gelyte for this!" "You rock!" "Yeah The Brothers" "The Umbies" "Yeah The Umbi Wumbies" "Yeah!" "Woo!" "Where the bloody hell are they?" "I think they're in Japan" "What?" "Japan" "You're joking" "Give me the phone give me the phone" "Where's the number where's the number?" "Excuse me" "One second" "Excuse me I'm nearly finished" "You forgot the country code" "Oh for " "There we go" "OK there's the second page" "Oh for " "is that a three or a five?" "Seven" "Thank you" "Hello?" "is this one of the Umbilical Brothers?" "Yes" "Aren't you supposed to be somewhere?" "I am somewhere" "What?" "I'm in Japan" "No somewhere else" "How could I be somewhere else I'm here" "Subiaco" "Subiaco oh bullshit I'll be right over" "Dave" "Yeah" "Subiaco" "Bullshit I'll meet you at the elevators" "Come on let's go let's go" "Wait I've got to check out" "Quickly quickly" "Excuse me sir did you use anything from the mini bar?" ""Yes I had a can of Coke, a packet of Pringles"" "And some edible panties" "What are you doing with edible panties?" "Everyone's wearing them in Japan" "Check these out" "Actually they look pretty good but we haven't got time for that now!" "Wait for me" "Pull your pants up you'll run quicker" "Oh yeah" "Taxi" "Airport" "When's the next plane leaving for Australia?" "Next plane for Australia is leaving in ten seconds" "Let's go" "Wait wait you must undergo security check" "We haven't got time for that now" "Oh OK maybe next time have a nice flight" "There's the plane" "Quickly jump" "Good evening everybody" "My name is Bob I'm your captain" "And I'm an Aussie just like you guys" "We're flying on flight 623 direct to Guatemala" "Oops" "There we go flight 326 direct to Perth" "Oh we're nearly there and hey look below us" "There's Subiaco" "Jump" "Grab on to the edge of that building" "Can't hold on much longer" "Neither can I" "My leg" "My baby" "Oh my God they're dead" "Welcome" "Hello" "Do you know who I am?" "Reckon I've got a pretty good idea" "Just a second" "What were you going to say?" "It can't be Barry White" "Are you Barry white?" "No I'm God" "Close enough" "Do you know where you are?" "Well if you're God" "Sorry just a second" "What were you going to say?" "Up the stairs" "On the top floor?" "Not on the top floor" "On the roof?" "Not the roof the gates" "Bill Gates?" "Not Bill Gates" "Do you think it's Bill Gates?" "No" "Yes No" "Devon" "Heaven" "Not quite" "Look I have something very important to tell you" "Hang on" "How do we know you are God" "Oh God if that is indeed your real name" "That's a very good point Shane" "There are plenty of Gods aren't there?" "In India alone there's at least a couple" "How do we know that you are THE" "Oh yeah you see you could be Darth Vader" "You might not be God" "You could be any one of any number of unlicenced users of The Force" "Do something God like" "You know something God-ish" "God-esque you know" "Do something ama~zing God" "Do something that's really going to im" "press me come on" "Did I just" "You got my vote God" "Now to the important stuff I must tell you that" "Actually sorry just before we do oh impotent one I had a lucky pair of socks" "And I lost one in Poland a few weeks back" "You're going to ask God about socks?" "I'm going to ask God about lucky socks" "God doesn't care about socks" "What do you mean?" "God cares about everything" "That's a little question" "You got to ask God the big questions" "Like what" "Like I don't know" "God" "Why?" "I don't do rhetorical" "Terry does" "Who's Terry?" "OK I've got a big one I mean that's the question actually lt's my I wanted to know I don't want to know if it's enormous l don't care about that stuff I just want to know if it's in the average range" "The biggest" "He said the biggest right?" "You mean I've got the biggest in the world?" "Suck it!" "I've got the biggest in the world" "No you misunderstand me" "You ARE the biggest in the world" "God sees all apparently" "Enough of the miniscule questions God" "Back to the important stuff" "God how are we doing down here?" "To answer that we must go back to the beginning" "Your Universe" "Or Dorothy as I like to call it" "Was born in 1965" "Before that there was nothing" "Are you sure you've got your facts right God?" "It's all right here in Wikipedia lt's all about the bo~zons apparently" "God I don't mean how are we as a universe doing I mean the two of us how are we doing?" "Well" "Some comics die on stage" "You died before the show even started" "How do you think you're doing?" "A bit shit I guess" "Could you at least give me a state of Poland" "Where the sock might be I could call the hotel they have lost and found" "Forget the sock lt's embarrassing lt's not embarrassing" "We'll get you some more socks" "That colour burgundy?" "We'll find you a burgundy sheep I have never seen that colour burgundy in sheep before" "Don't worry about it mate" "And the fluffiness?" "You can not get that kind of fluffiness anymore" "You can get the fluffiness" "Look we don't have time for this" "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE" "One sock?" "Oh for fucks sake" "We got to have two socks we got two feet you should know you made us l'm sorry there's nothing I can do" "We only have one booking" "Only one of you will pass on to the other side" "And what happens to the other one?" "Sorry I just remembered one of Terry's jokes" "Who is this Terry character?" "God is there a waiting list for the other side?" "We tell people there is" "Look I really like your stuff I just don't think I could watch it forever" "So we can only take one of you" "What happens to the peope who don't necessarily believe in God?" "The people who don't necessarily" "Hello?" "Sorry I was on another call" "Right who's coming?" "I thought you made that decision" "Look I just do the admin" "You must decide" "Now who's it going to be" "Jesus" "Yes?" "He's not talking to you" "Back in your box Baby J" "OK this is a huge decision" "Big one yeah" "Enormous this is the biggest decision we've ever made" "Quite possibly" "We've got to talk about this man" "Let's see we'll put the points for" "And the points against" "We could do a Powerpoint demostration" "We could point at each other all day" "But basically I should go" "Why should you go?" "Because I'm the one with respect for God" "You don't even believe in God" "Doesn't mean I don't respect him" "You were saying last week that you don't believe in God" "Yeah well l do now don't I?" "How convenient" "Convenient or not I believe" "You can't just change your mind" "You can change your mind" "You cannot just change your mind" "You can that's exactly" "Excuse me" "Hey we're talking here alright?" "You say you've got respect for God" "Yes" "No mate" "You just interrupted him" "You don't go interrupting somebody lf you'd just listen" "What are you deaf?" "You just did it I was just showing you what not to do" "God's not going to fall for that I don't want God to fall for anything" "Obviously it's a high place" "Exactly now listen to I'm the one who should be going" "Just be reasonable I'm sure we could just" "Shut the fuck up" "Right I'm sending you back to sort out your differences" "And you dead is no good to these people" "They've come to see a show I would suggest you develop some compassion" "And remember" "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE" "Listen I'd wash my hands first before I put my hands there" "Whoa" "Yeah" "Are you talkin to me?" "No one has one of those things in their bathroom" "Who has one of those things in their bathroom?" "Me" "Does anyone here" "That's like a 20's Barbershop thing" "Yeah" "What are you Sweeny Todd or something?" "I could be" "What's in the basement?" "Do you want to find out?" "No I don't" "OK" "Alright" "Why have you got" "Does anyone here have one of" "Mate l've got one of them because I've got one of these" "Why have you got one of those?" "Because I've got one of them" "OK then" "And I'm sorry I walked into your bathroom" "Yeah right I walked through your wall actually I'm like an X-Man" "God" "Hello Professor X" "Hello" "What happened?" "I've just got to focus." "Concentrate" "There we go" "I can see" "Sorry." "Carry on carry on" "You said you were going to- l won't bother you no more don't you worry about that I should have known" "You said you were going to behave because of the filming I am behaving" "You know that's a door" "What?" "It's a door" "Oh hello" "With a light" "It's a lot more fun just going" "Well you can do that as well because there's a" "Hello" "Oh hello" "Watch it" "And there's one down there" "What's that for?" "Oh my f- ing balls" "I just said oh my fucking balls" "Just in case anyone was" "Wondering what I might of- lt's not a kids show" "Not anym" "And kids just don't say those words I you are just go" "Oh my f- ing balls" "You could do that it's fine I just punched you and this was in my hand" "Oh my" "They're on the ground now" "It's filling up with penis blood" "Oh yuk" "Oh man" "Penis blood I know lf it wasn't a kids show before" "Definitely not a kids show lt's not no" "OK" "Oh God get it off me get it off me" "(lt's on your ra~zor)" "And it's on my ra~zor" "There we go lt's not a very sharp ra~zor is it?" "I just sharpened it" "OK it's a sharp ra~zor great" "Oh you've got two of those" "Why do you have two of those?" "I've got two of everything" "Yeah" "Well I used to have two of everything until you cut me in the balls" "Actually I should be saying I used to have two of everything until you cut me in the balls" "You mother I tell you know I'm not going to cope with that voice for the rest of the show" "Could you stitch them back on or something" "OK Luckily I'm doing this in the dark" "Staple gun no" "Putting my balls on in the dark" "That was the original line" "This is so not what we set out to make" "That's right its being filmed OK" "Yeah it's sharp man alright it's sharp enough lt just gets me back because I just had that where the fuck am I expression" "Yep it's sharp lt's very sharp" "Not sharp enough" "You got two of those yeah of course" "Why wouldn't you" "Rub it in" "OK" "That's a very sharp ra~zor you got there lt is a very- l'd be careful with that ra~zor of I were you" "You be careful l'll be careful you be careful" "Let's all be careful then" "Oh man I've done this a million times I know what I'm doing" "Just be careful" "Yeah sure sure just just" "Don't" "Careful lf you laugh like that just when he's about to" "Who knows what could happen" "See that's the good" "When it's that sharp you can hear each individual listen" "Wow that is very sharp I warned you I warned you I said it'd be sharp" "Where's the staple gun no no no" "Oh man" "Oh you've got a huge wad of toilet paper" "Are you gonna have that on your face for the rest of the show?" "I'm pretty much going to have to yes lt's not distracting is it?" "That is really distracting" "They're going to be looking at for the whole show" "Just don't look at it" "Yeah pretend it's not even there OK?" "Just pretend it's not there don't look" "Don't fuckin look at it mate!" "is there a problem is there a problem is there a problem?" "If he could see you he'd beat the shit out of you" "There's that expression again" "That's the what the fuck am I doing expression" "O~z~zy O~zborne" "We met him" "O~z~zy O~zborne" "At the Royal Variety Performance" "The same time we met the Queen and Prince Philip" "And then we met Sharon and O~z~zy O~zborne" "And I got them confused" "Because they're both the same height Sharon and the Queen" "They've got the same hair they dress the same" "And then behind them is this guy going What The Fuck Am I Doing?" "It's uncanny" "So was that O~z~zy or the Duke?" "That was both together morphed together" "No O~z~zy is what the fuck am I doing?" "And the Duke is what the fuck am I doing?" "Where the fuck are we?" "Very nice couple very nice couple" "Are you talkin to me?" "You're going to strangle yourself with the cord lf you do that you'll strangle yourself" "It's a gun?" "Batteries" "You don't want to get your hairdryer confused with a gun" "What's it going to be?" "Batteries" "Yeah I'll take your word for it that there are such things cause I don't need any kind of" "You could do with an imaginary one though for your imaginary hair" "Oh come on it's not that funny is it?" "We're all picturing what hair styles you have" "What kind of hair style do I have now eh?" "That's right" "Two hairdryers?" "Of course I've got two of everything" "Are you talkin to me?" "Two hair straighteners right" "Niether of which work" "Are you talkin to me?" "You" "Bastard" "G'day" "OK what do you want I've got a machine gun a shot gun" "Yeah Shot gun" "Of course you've got two grenades in the bathroom yeah" "Grenade grenade grenade" "What was that about?" "What was what about?" "Carrying the grenade like this lt was live lt was a live grenade" "Thought it was a cat" "Are you talkin to me?" "Damn it's fine to be an American" "Oh my God Oh my God" "Morning Dave Dave?" "Just let me out of the cupboard" "Thanks" "Shane" "Good morning I've been having those weird dreams again" "Those weird dreams?" "Yeah" "About the sandwiches?" "What?" "They're pretty weird dreams the sandwiches with legs" "There's nothing weird about that" "Oh yes there is" "The weird dreams" "What about the sandwiches dressed as penguins?" "What?" "The row of sandwiches dressed as penguins" "And you're with them and you're going" "No no no the nightmares" "Oh about being an American" "Yes" "Mate don't worry you're not an American" "Not even the Americans are having that dream any more OK?" "I think the pressure is getting to me" "What pressure?" "Job pressure lt can't be job pressure I'm a cop" "You're in traffic I'm a traffic cop" "You're a parking inspector l'm a parking inspector yeah lt can't be job pressure" "Listen mate you know what I think it is?" "What's that?" "I think it's something in your past" "Really?" "Yeah yeah usually when you're having weird dreams like that" "Usually what you're doing is suppressing something from your past" "You think so?" "I know so" "And I have a psychology degree" "Really?" "Yeah" "Where is it?" "There it is so yeah l know what I'm talking about" "Alright" "And I can help you identify that thing" "And remove it from your life" "OK let's do it" "Alright I'm going to take you through some regression therapy" "OK I'm going to take you back" "OK" "First of all what I want you to do is I want you to relax" "Too much" "Too relaxed" "Flipping fans I love them" "That was ama~zing I think I just broke my spine" "Now just relax Dave and breath" "Because if you don't you die" "Alright now I want you to travel back in your mind" "OK" "Should be a short trip" "Now just think back" "OK think back" "Nothing nothing nothing" "Keep going" "Nothing nothing nothing" "Keep going" "Nothing nothing nothing" "Hang on a second hang on a second" "What?" "What?" "Could have been something" "Where?" "What?" "Change direction go forward go forward gnihton gnihton gnihton" "Hang on a second" "What?" "Could have been something" "Just go back slowly" "N o th ing" "N o" "Lebellagolafolafoo I shouldn't do a balle latex oh space monkey aye aye aye aye oh say can you see ing" "No" "Hang on a second Daaaaaaaaaaaaa vid" "Could have been something what was that about?" "Actually Shane now that you mention it I've never really been quite the same since the incident" "The incident?" "Yeah I've never really been quite the same since the incident" "Sounds serious lt is serious" "Especially that bit" "That's the most serious bit" "Woh well tell me about it mate i'll tell you about it yes" "Well it was back in 1989 it was a winters afternoon I was alone with an orchestra at the time when I came across four..." "And that's the whole story" "Sorry I wasn't paying attention what was that?" "Well it was back in 1989 it was a winters afternoon I was wearing a red dress at the time when I came across..." "And that's the whole story" "What's the whole story?" "You go over there the lights go out then you say that's the whole story" "Listen Shane the fact of the matter is I think I'm losing my mind" "Come on you're not losing your mind" "Insane going I think I'm I think I'm going insane" "Don't be ridiculous mate i think I'm going insane" "David that's just cra~zy talk lt's cra~zy talk" "Come on I don't mean it literally ya loony" "Loony" "No it's just a figure of speech ya fuckin weirdo" "OK" "You know what your problem is Dave?" "What's that?" "Your problemo is that you've been cooped up in this imaginary house for way too long l do like my imaginary house I like what you've imaginarily done with it" "Thank you I think it's imaginarily imaginative" "Thank you for imaginarily saying so" "You're imaginarily welcome" "What's your favourite thing about it?" "Well imaginarily speaking I like what you've done with the bathroom I don't know about the bits of cat everywhere lt's a Polish technique lt's a Polish technique OK I like what you've done with the imaginary rugs over there" "Thank you I like the rugs Lithuanian I like your imaginary curtains I like what you've done with them" "What curtains?" "My fuckin imagination alright?" "Don't put anything in" "Sorry couldn't resist a bit of inception every now and then just happens" "Listen mate you know what your problem is?" "What's my problem?" "You need to go for a walk" "What?" "Get outside" "Just go out you know?" "You've been cooped up in here for too long" "You need some exercise you know" "You can't just stay inside all day" "You know what I'm saying?" "You got to go out you know?" "You can't stay in the side you got to get some exercise" "You got to go out" "You have to go out" "You know you can't stay in here you have to get out" "You have to go out more" "You have to go out" "You have to go out" "You have to" "My upper body is getting way too heavy" "You have to get out" "You have to get out" "Get out" "Are you alright?" "Yeah I'm fine I'm fine" "You just got to go for a walk in the park" "Actually that's a good idea I'll go for a walk in the imaginary park" "Yes why not" "And listen when you're feeling the pressure get to you" "Yeah" "Just stop and say to yourself I am not cra~zy I am not cra~zy lt sounds so simple Shane lt's as simple as you and I" "That's pretty simple lt certainly is" "Now listen I've got to go I've got to meet Andrew" "Who's Andrew?" "He's just a subplot I've been working on" "Good luck with that" "You'll be fine mate there's nothing wrong with you" "Thank you thanks for your concern" "No worries" "OK" "Bye nutcase" "See you what the?" "He's probably right I should go for a walk in the imaginary park" "Hello little birdie" "Fetch" "Fetch" "Fetch" "Fetch" "Fetch" "I am not cra~zy" "Am I?" "Hello little birdie" "Are you talkin to me?" "Yeah" "My precious" "Are you talkin to me?" "What the hell was that?" "Just a little cricket" "A little cricket?" "A little cricket?" "Yeah" "Andrew!" "What?" "This was the subplot I've been working on" "Your subplots a cricket?" "Why?" "Quickly administer CPR" "CPR CPR What's CPR?" "Cricket To Person resuscitation don't you know anything quickly" "Yes yes yes" "No no no" "OK Andrew you'll be OK" "Come on Andrew we're rooting for you mate" "Dave Dave Dave" "You can do it Andrew" "David I'm trying to help" "Just give me some room OK?" "Yeah sure OK" "Come on Andrew" "Dave just give me some room mate just give me some room" "We're here for you Andrew" "David room give me some OK?" "Breath Andrew" "Give me some room Dave" "Andrew" "Dave room give me some" "Give me an A" "Give me some room Dave give me some room" "Andrew" "Yeah that's about right OK" "Andrew I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I'll call an ambulance just hang on" "There's a cliff down there for some reason" "Shane?" "Shane?" "OK Andrew I've called the ambula" "What happened to Andrew?" "What?" "Where's Andrew?" "Oh he's gone" "He's gone?" "Yeah he's gone?" "He's OK?" "Oh he is so fantastic" "He's alright?" "Yeah yeah he's great" "Where did he go?" "He went off back that way somewhere" "He ran off and he said" "He said thanks very much for saving his life" "He said make sure you tell Shane" "Thanks very much for saving his life" "And then he had to go so I've got to go to" "Why did he have to go?" "Hey?" "Well he was injured and everything why did he have to go so suddenly?" "He said he said he said I'll tell you what he said I've got a very important engagement to get to and so he ran off" "What sort of engagement?" "What?" "What sort of engagement?" "He said a very important engagement party" "Who's getting engaged?" "He is" "What Andrew is getting engaged?" "Yep" "Andrew's getting engaged?" "Yeah yeah he didn't tell you?" "No" "And you're meant to be a friend of his" "Yes" "What a dick I can't believe that" "Anyway I've got to go too so I'll see you later on" "Why do you have to go?" "Man will you stop- l just- cause he said I've gotta go" "But you just met him" "Yeah" "And you're gonna go just because he said?" "Mate Yes" "Why?" "You know why?" "Why?" "Because I'm getting engaged to him" "What?" "You and Andrew?" "Yep" "The two of you?" "Yeah surprise!" "Ha ha ha you didn't know but now you do it's so- l'll see you bye" "Andrew my love" "Congratulations" "Shit" "Andrew and Dave" "Dave and Andrew are gettin it on" "Don't get me wrong it's awesome you know I'm all for mixed relationships I think they're fantastic lt's just that they only just met" "And usually it takes time for a guy and a cricket" "To get to know each other" "You know you got to talk about stuff" "You got to go out" "You gotta discover each others secret places" "You know just find things you like to do" "What the?" "It's like a little pu~z~zle" "Oh Jesus Fuck" "Andrew!" "Oh my God" "Andrew oh my God" "You'll be fine you'll be fine mate you'll be fine" "There's nothing wrong with you lt's just a flesh wound Andrew" "You'll be fine there's nothing wrong with you I can't lie to you mate you look shithouse" "Oh my God" "You're alive you're still alive you're still alive OK" "Just hang on Andrew just hang on" "You'll be OK" "Just tell me Andrew" "Who did this?" "David I see" "Well let me say this" "This" "And another thing I swear to you Andrew I swear that this act will not go unpunished lt will not go unpunished and I will not let you down I have never let you down and I will not let you down now" "I swear to you Andrew I swear in front of these slightly confused people here tonight I swear to you Andrew I swear that I shall avenge" "Oh shit" "Shane Shane" "Clink" "How are you man how you doing?" "I haven't seen you in the gym before I come here I like to work out before I go on the beat" "Go on the mean streets of Perth" "Before I go to work so um" "And I listen to the boogie music" "That's my boogie music just there lt gets the blood flowing all over the body" "Do you know what I mean?" "And what are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Man don't" " Could you not do that please lt's very hard to use the cassette" "Once that's out of the little plastic enclosure" "Shane could you not do that please" "Why are you doing that?" "No don't lick it I can't use it if it's wet" "Or out like that I'm need a pencil or something" "Has anyone got a pencil?" "What are you" " Now it's dirty" "You've put liquid on it and" "Are you upset about something?" "Your not still upset about the insect are you?" "What was it the the cockroachy thing?" "The um cricket right?" "Agatha" "No Artie" "No Andy Andrew" "Andrew?" "Was that it?" "That's it?" "Seriously?" "Man come one" "Get over it mate" "Get over it I mean it was like" "A minute ago" "You know this is so" "This is wrong" "You can't you shouldn't" "You're not allowed to come in here and be upset" "Why should you?" "If anyone should be upset lf anyone should be upset it should be me lt should be me that's right lt should be me because I'm the one I was the one" "That was engaged to him" "Oh Andrew my love where will I find another?" "Maybe in a field or something I don't know" "That is bullshit" "Easy easy" "Come on yeah come on come on" "This is for Andrew" "No no no" "Yeah come on I'll have you come on" "One hand" "No hands" "It's not over Dave it's not over" "Limber" "Limber" "Sounded a bit like a fart didn't it?" "No lt's a ~zip right?" "Yes it's a ~zip" "No" "You're quibbling about ~zip noises" "Yeah watch" "Big one" "Medium si~ze" "Small" "Jesus" "You people" "What are you ~zip fetishists or something?" "You guys are really into ~zips" "Who isn't?" "I don't know" "OK yeah we get it ~zips I didn't close that one" "Oh come on that's enough I'm just getting into work mode" "You're a parking inspector" "What are you wearing?" "They don't have a parking inspector in the Village People as far as I recall I'm in work mode now that was my relax" "When I come home l go" "Flip flip flip flip" "Now you're doing onomatapia" "Flip flip flip I thought you were going to ~zip" "Remote control ~zipper" "That's enough of the ~zips" "We get it" "That's e" "Oh for fu- l really don't want to" "Do any" "More ~zip" "Oh for God's" "Sake" "Stop it with the ~zip" "This is ridicu" "That must be a bitch to get out of" "I did that for you" "We should all go to the ~zipper club" "Oh man" "Never have so few been amused by so many ~zips" "Having trouble with your bike?" "Technical problems?" "I'm having problems with you is who I'm having problems with" "Just reminding you that without me" "You're just a mime" "What does that make you without me?" "Just a fart noise?" "They're ~zippers right fetishists?" "Not without me they're not" "Was that a fart fetishist or a ~zipper fetishist?" "OK so" "Oh for fu" "Man seriously" "So just do the sound of a motorbike?" "Does anyone want to got to the bathroom?" "Because now is a good time I just might follow you and make the noise though" "So just be careful" "This is taking forever" "This guy in the next cubicle" "I can't believe I did that and we were filming the show" "That's not going on the DVD" "You'll get the DVD and they'll be us" "And then we'll" "Sharp edit" "Completely different lighting state" "OK ok" "Can you do it because it's a lot harder lt actually hurt to do it without the sound lt's much harder" "That's cause there's nothing there" "Exactly" "OK here we go" "Transport is at the ready" "Oh come lf someone came into the room right now" "And saw that" "What do you think they'd think?" "I'm riding a donkey NO NO NO" "That's right children Dave is Riding the Donkey" "So that's what they're calling it this year aye?" "Riding a donkey?" "I have the reins in one hand" "The reins in one hand" "That's really embarressing" "And it's really" "From this angle it looks even worse" "That's what he's seeing" "Don't point that thing at me" "Alright lt's a trasformer donkey it'll turn into a motorbike how's that?" "It can also turn into a chicken" "What's that?" "It's my siren" "Come on man" "You're a parking inspector l'm a very important parking inspector" "You're a very deluded parking inspector" "On a transforming donkey going" "Come on give me a siren" "Give you a siren" "Give us a siren" "Give us a siren OK" "OK hang on a second lt's OK they didn't laugh at it" "Never mind the extra thumb I did not see you put any gloves on" "So you've just pulled the skin off your own hands I put the gloves on before the show I sleep in my gloves" "You slept in your gloves?" "You went to the toilet you had a shower in your gloves" "Yep" "OK and the ~zippers... I'm starting to get an idea of what kind of clubs you go to I've got gloves and I've got leg warmers on" "Now I'm totally confused about the kind of clubs you go to" "What a feeling I am slightly confused" "Limber" "Limber" "Limber" "Limber" "What are you doing?" "Directing traffic" "Mate you're a parking inspector" "Mate l've got a siren" "Alright for the sake of moving along" "You're a traffic policeman" "Traffic person" "Traffic policeman" "Seatbelt mate" "Pull over mate" "Pull over mate" "It was a gun a second ago I got it confused with your hairdryer I would have taken the hairdryer out to get the- l'm gonna blow you away I could have melted the tires I know what you're thinkin" "Did he do six perms or only five?" "Hold it" "Rewind" "Let's see that last pass again in slow motion replay" "Limber" "Can I help you officer?" "Ow my eyes!" "Hey Hey!" "Where'd you get that car Dave?" "That's not your car" "Dave listen I've got to talk to you about something lt's about Andrew" "It's important" "Dave" "Yeah hi hi" "Could you wind the window down I've got something to talk to you about" "Window down man" "Window window." "Wind the window down" "Jesus" "How do you drive with that that loud?" "It calms me" "That calms you?" "Yeah yeah" "That couldn't possibly calm anyone" "That couldn't calm any" "OK we get it" "Joke's over" "At least give me a" "Chance to" "Catch my" "Breath" "And in other news Dave is a wanker" "And he can get" "Now listen Dave mate" "Yep I've got something important to talk to you about" "Oh sure yeah all ears" "Now we've known each other for a long time" "This is about Andrew. I just thought" "Mate l'm collecting for his funeral I thought you could spare some cash" "Mate look just a dollar for a" "Dave look don't run away from your responsibilities I'm not I'm driving" "You were responsible for his injuries" "Look just give me a dollar man" "For a little casket" "Alright twenty cents" "Come on you can spare twenty cents" "Twenty cents dude" "Come one" "That's not fair" "Come on man just give me twenty cents" "Dave just give me twenty cents" "Come on" "A little compassion" "Twenty centardos" "Just give me twenty cents" "Twenty cents Dave just give me twenty cents" "Give me twenty cents" "Give me twenty cents" "Twenty cents" "Twenty cents" "Twenty cents" "It's alright we've got plenty of them" "Just give me twenty cents" "Give me twenty cents" "Twenty fuckin cents" "Now listen" "David" "This has gone" "Beyond a joke" "Yeah not sure about that" "All I want ls a little compassion" "And twenty cents" "Shane?" "Shane?" "Shane?" "Shane?" "Shane come on" "Shane" "(Do CPR)" "He's not a cricket is he?" "Shane?" "Shane?" "Shane?" "Shane?" "Shane?" "Shane are you OK?" "Shane are you OK?" "Nipple cripple!" "Nipple cripple!" "How did you make your heart stop like that?" "Shane!" "Shane!" "Shane!" "Ambulance?" "Yes yes Regal Theatre Subiaco yeah that's right" "OK quickly" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Oh for - there's a tire mark on him what are you doing?" "No!" "Not a truck!" "No please!" "He's already dead!" "No not a transforming donkey!" "It's a hover craft" "A hover craft?" "No!" "Oh my God oh God oh" "God if you're there please l need you lt's an emergency God please it's David hello?" "Hello God here" "God!" "It's David from the beginning of the show" "Unfortunately I'm unavailable to answer the call but if you'd like to leave a message" "Please speak after the beep cherio" "God it's David from the beginning of the" "God it's David from the beginning of the show I've got Shane and he's not working lt's an emergancy God if you're there could you pick up?" "Hello?" "is that God?" "No this is Terry" "Oh Terry yes God mentioned you listen Terry ls God there?" "Well that's the question isn't it?" "And the answer?" "Could you call for him or something?" "Hang on a moment." "Just getting another call" "What?" "I'll just put you on hold" "No no don't put me on hold Terry it's an emergancy" "Please God no Terry Terry call for God" "Terry can you hear me?" "Terry!" "Terry please it's an emergancy Terry please Terry" "Terry ah no" "Look forget it I'll do it myself" "Give me twenty cents!" "Come on baby" "Bingo" "Give me twenty" "Oh that's not fair that's not fair" "Hey Dave Dave Dave Dave hold it there hold it there" "What are you doing?" "What's that gonna" "A hair dryer!" "Grab him grab him grab him grab him grab him" "Or just sit there!" "Oh my God that was loud" "Did you say something?" "Hey Dave I think the music was too loud" "What?" "I can't hear you" "The music was too loud" "What?" "I can't hear what you're saying I think the music was too loud" "Loud!" "What?" "I can't hear you" "The music was too loud l didn't like it" "What the fuck is this?" "What are you doing?" "I can't hear what you're saying" "The music was too loud" "Too loud!" "Loud!" "Loud!" "Loud!" "What?" "What?" "I can't" "Listen to me OK listen" "Very carefully I'm only going to say this one more time" "What?" "Oh for fu- l can't hear you" "OK?" "Me I can't hear you" "Because" "The music" "Was too" "Fucking" "Loud" "What?" "Oh no get off me get off me!" "What is he chasing me for?" "And now please make him welcome" "Someone who thinks he's hilarious" "Dave!" "Yeah!" "Woo!" "is everybody ready to rock?" "Well you can't those seats are bolted down I wouldn't even try thank you" "That's not funny" "Tell us a funny joke lt was funny mate." "Please don't disrupt the comedians on stage" "Comedians?" "You?" "Yes" "Tell us something funny lf you just give me half a chance I will" "My grandmother is so old lf she's as old as these jokes she's fucking dead" "Seriously could you" "That got more of a laugh than you" "Security!" "I'm going to get you chucked out I am security" "Oh shit" "Tell us a fucking joke" "What kind of bees make milk?" "Boobies" "Oh my God the only boobie around here is you ya tit" "Mate shut up" "Oh my God he just shot the heckler I can't ow!" "Oh my God" "He just shot the person that was talking about the heckler being ow!" "Oh my God he just shot the person that was talking about the person that was talking about the heckler being shot" "He just shot my pussy" "This is ridiculous this is just devolving into common innuendo and cheap jokes" "Yes let's listen to the voice of reason up the top there yes sir" "Alright look I've got a request" "Certainly sir yes" "Just give me twenty cents!" "Just give me twenty cents!" "You should not have come back old man" "When I left you I was but a learner" "Now I am the master" "Only a master of evil Darth" "You said you were going to put your Ben Kenobi costume on tonight" "Forget the costume lets just" "No we're filming you got to put it on you said it's not ready" "How long have you been working on it for?" "Six weeks" "Six weeks I think these guys will appreciate the effort lt's not ready lt's perfect." "You want to see his Ben Kenobi costume?" "Come on man I grew my hair to look like his helmet the least you can do ls put your costume on" "Yeah but that only took you a week" "Come on man put your costume on" "Yeah OK for the kids and the pixies out there" "OK OK I'll just bear in mind it's not quite ready" "But it takes me a minute to put this on" "Sure I'l just do the line again" "Tina could I have my larger testicles back please" "You should not have come back old man" "When I left you I was but a learner" "Now I am the master" "is that a charity clap?" "I put a lot of fucking effort into this costume alright?" "Six weeks!" "Lot of effort?" "Six weeks?" "Mate" "Look at the tag hanging off" "Don't worry about the tag I put that tag on there" "Yeah you put Quest Hotels on there" "Ben Kenobi's on a quest" "And he chooses to stay at Quest Hotels" "When he's in Tatooine" "Who went to Cra~zy Clarks today?" "Party!" "On the Death Star on the Death Star" "Use the force Luke use the force Luke use the use the use the force Luke" "That looks great" "Look it changes colours lt's awesome" "Can you pick us up on the DVD?" "Yes?" "What did you write?" "I wrote Darth" "What did you write?" "is a tosser" "What the?" "Exclamation" "Run Shane run" "What's that?" "My intitials" "Yeah have a look" "Just give me twenty cents" "No" "Twenty Cents" "I'm gonna get that twenty cents" "You sound like Mickey Mouse l was going for Bruce Lee" "Well you got to sound more like a chicken I'll get ya" "That's still Mickey Mouse l'll cut ya with my ears I'll cut ya" "You see" "Ow my eye!" "Just step up like a man" "Just step up and we'll talk about it I'm not a man I'm a mouse" "Step up here like a" "There's a hole down here" "That's right Mickey" "Now Mickey" "Are you going to give me twenty cents?" "No" "No I might slip and fall" "Yeah that's what I'm talking about" "It's dust" "I didn't understand a fucking word you said over" "Gibberish Gibberish Gibberish over" "Roger" "This is Houston control" "Are you there Major Dave?" "Roger Houston I'm here Houston" "What part of Mississippi are you from Major Dave?" "The south part." "That's about as far south as I can imagine" "Sorry Houston I started with this voice" "Now I'm just going to have to keep on at it" "And that's how the great nation of America was born" "OK Major Dave prepare for countdown" "Roger Houston" "Ten" "Nine" "Eight" "Seven" "Six" "You forgot Six l'm alright" "What?" "Where am I now?" "I can't understand what you're saying Major Dave I think this guy is two physics degrees short of a fuckwit" "Major Dave do you read?" "Do you read?" "Oh course I fucking read!" "How do you think I got this job?" "I didn't mean that Do the countdown" "One more of them and I'm out of here Houston" "Ten" "Oh my God" "Just go from Five" "Five" "Four" "Three" "Just give me twenty cents" "Blastoff!" "This is Houston Control" "You will experience G forces" "No shit Houston" "You there Houston?" "Houston!" "?" "I'm there Major Dave" "Please don't make me say more words than I absolutely have to" "Because this voice is really hurting me I think I taste blood Houston" "You think it's painful from your end?" "I think you've just called 16 galaxies to war" "OK Major Dave I'm going to have to talk you through this" "You're in the module section" "You're going to be landing on the moon" "So press that big red button" "And you will eject the module section" "Pressing big red button Houston" "Well done Major Dave I can press buttons Houston" "OK the lunar surface is coming up pretty fast" "Could be a rough one" "Prepare for landing Major Dave" "Oh no not a rough one Houston I'm not ready for a rough one I don't know what you just said" "But let's hope it means affirmative I want someone else to do it Houston" "OK the Lunar surface is coming up prepare for landing" "Ow my back!" "Ow my spleen!" "Ow my nose" "The asshole has landed" "No Houston I can't" "This is ground control to Major Dave" "How's it looking up there on the moon?" "Well you know Houston it looks pretty cool" "I think I just burst one of my own eardrums" "Major Dave" "Yes Houston?" "How's it looking up there on the moon?" "Well Houston when I look up into the stars" "Why it's like a billion eyes staring down at me" "A billion eyes?" "Billion eyes" "A billion eyes staring down at you?" "Staring at me I think your oxygen level is a little too low there Major Dave" "You better turn that up" "Major Dave" "Hey Houston I'm on the moon!" "Major Dave is on the moon" "Major Dave" "Hey Houston I think I see the earth out on the hori~zon" "Now I see some kind of object I'm gonna check it out" "I'm getting closer to it Houston" "And I'm getting closer to it Houston" "Houston I have identified the object in question" "And Houston I am getting the fuck out of here oh my God" "Computer I am approaching the pod" "Please open pod bay doors I'm sorry Dave I'm afraid I can't do that" "What the hell is that?" "Who are you?" "On screen" "Just give me twenty cents" "Houston I am out of my ship repeat I am out of my ship" "Asteroid!" "Oh no we're going to go through the earth's atmosphere!" "What do we do what do we do?" "I know" "Grab as many birds as you can" "Doesn't work" "Screw you birds!" "We're gonna die we're gonna die lf we're gonna die" "We may as well die extreme!" "I think I'm going to spew I'm reconsidering that Red Bull before the show I know" "Grab on to the edge of that building" "Can't hold on much longer" "Neither can I if only you'd perfected those suction boots you were working on last weekend" "Of course!" "My prototype suction boots I just happen to be wearing them" "Testing suction boot number one" "Yeah that sucks OK" "Number two" "Yeah that totally sucks" "Alright I'm going to let go" "Come on abs" "This must look ama~zing" "You know I wonder what this would look like from another perspective" "I guess we'll never know" "What are you doing?" "I don't know" "My boots don't suck that much" "That's better" "Not better" "Listen Shane" "Yes Dave I'm really sorry about Andrew" "You're really sorry?" "Really sorry" "Then I guess I don't need that twenty cents" "Oh great" "Oh no" "The ledge it's starting to give way!" "There's only one option" "What's that?" "I'm going to sacrifice myself to save you" "Good idea" "Me too" "Me first" "Stop!" "I'm afraid you're too late" "The booking has been filled" "By who?" "I made it quite clear" "There can be only one" "Not this time" "You have been watching in the role of Dave Dave ln the role of Shane Shane" "Playing the role of Andrew the cricket two time Academy Award winner Daniel Day Lewis" "And in the role of me me" "Thanks very much for coming we'll see you next time bye" "And now" "The song that was cut from tonights show" "Andrew!" "He was just my little friend Andrew" "He's not singing is he?" "No bigger than a pen Andrew I think he's singing I'll go check" "For he and I" "Yeah he's singing" "Would spend the days the days go by lt's definitely singing" "Andrew and I I can hear him I can see him" "And Andrew and I" "He even looks like he's singing" "And Andrew and I" "Shane could you not" "And Andrew and I" "We talked about this" "And Andrew and I and Andrew" "We talked about this we said we're not going to put a song in the show tonight" "But I'm in position to do a song I know you are sorry next show I'll look like a dickhead if I don't do a song now" "Mate too late mate" "We'll put a song in the next show" "We'll just do a whole musical next show how about that?" "But I thought I could just do one song" "No song we talked about it" "You always get to do a song" "We said we're not gonna do a song" "Just for these guys" "They don't want a song" "Yes one song" "No believe me you don't" "One song yes" "No we're not gonna put a song in the show tonight" "We're not gonna put a song in the show tonight" "Say what?" "I said we're not gonna put a song in the show tonight" "Hey is that right?" "Yeah that's right" "So we're not gonna put a song" "So don't you try to clap along" "We're not gonna put a song in the show" "Tonight" "Tonight" "And pyros go" "Oh for f"