"CHEERING" "Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Jennifer Saunders." "In the news this week, as Scotland votes no to independence," "CCTV footage outside Buckingham Palace shows how impartial the Queen really was." "At the Labour Party Conference, John Prescott offers Andrew Neil the chance to see the tattoo of a pork pie on his belly." "Noooo!" "And in Venice, George Clooney's wedding attracts the usual sad celebrity gawpers." "On Ian's team tonight is Conservative MP Peter Bone, who, after the recent expose, is now no longer the most embarrassing bone in the Tory Party." "Please welcome him - Mr Peter Bone MP." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a comedian and proud Scotsman who, despite his huge success, still lives in Britain." "Just like Alex Salmond." "Please welcome Armando Iannucci." "And we start with the biggest stories of the week." "Paul and Armando, take a look at this." "Ah, this is a new contraceptive that's been released." "JENNIFER LAUGHS LOUDLY" "And there is our friend Nigel, with his new friend, who is..." "Keep the hand down, Mein Fuhrer!" "Mein Fuhrer, Mein Fuhrer!" "I love you, Mein Fuhrer!" "Does that basically cover it?" "Basically covers it." "This is the news that UKIP have been attracting more Tory defectives..." "Defectives?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "More Tory defectors, that was." "..after Mark Reckless MP followed Douglas Carswell and joined UKIP at the weekend." "Which means there'll be another by-election - yay!" "Didn't he go to a fancy dress party as a Nazi or...?" "No, no, no, that was another Tory." "LAUGHTER" "It wasn't a fancy dress party, it was normal day casual wear, round the house." "Mark Reckless has defected to UKIP, here he is." "But he was a friend of yours, wasn't he?" "Yes, you must know him quite well." "Mark's a very principled Conservative who, um..." "Not any more." "Well, I think it's a cunning ploy." "Do you?" "Yes, cos I think he's gone over to UKIP and then they're all going to come back and we'll be one happy family." "But what's his...?" "What's behind...?" "What's the...?" "I can't even be bothered to ask." "You can't let that answer go by." "What do you mean you're going to be a happy family?" "Well, the Right's going to come together." "What David Cameron believes in and what Nigel Farage believes in are basically the same things, they should be..." "AUDIENCE:" "Ohhh...." "You just lost Cameron all the votes!" " In regard to..." " Can we have the referendum again?" "Cos I want to get out!" "I really do." "But you say he's very principled, he went round telling everyone he wasn't going to defect and then he did." "That's not very principled, is it?" "That's called deception." "Yeah." "The Tory chairman called him a rat, which implies he's leaving a sinking ship, but he called him a...a rat." "But he said it in a friendly way, didn't he?" "A friendly rat?" "Like Roland?" "Not like Bertie Bubonic Plague Rat." "What do constituents in Rochester think of Reckless?" "This is Channel 4's Michael Crick." "What do you make of Mark Reckless?" "He's left the Conservatives and joined UKIP." "The man's a flouty pelm vessel, he should be hoddered and..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Nice to see that ZZ Top have got an opinion." "Peter, as a prominent..." "Well, "prominent", as another right-wing Tory MP... ..you've obviously been fingered by the press, haven't you?" "No, honestly, shush." "As a potential defector." "Haven't you?" "Ever been tempted?" "Can I make the announcement now?" "Yeah!" "That would be good, wouldn't it, ladies and gentlemen?" "AUDIENCE:" "Yeah." "After a lot of thought," "I've decided that I'm going to stay in the Conservative Party." "Oh, that's a disappointment." "We thought you might join Labour." "I did consider Liberal Democrats." "Did you?" "Somebody has to." "So you're definitely not going?" "I absolutely am definitely not going tonight." "LAUGHTER" "And is it" " I just want to get it absolutely clear - in Scotland we're allowed to call you "the effing Tories", is that right?" "Well, actually, I don't think it's restricted to Scotland." "OK." "Can have it on your posters at the elections." ""Vote effing Tories."" ""Vote for change, vote for the effing, shitting Tories."" "But as we've got you here, any other Tories going to defect to UKIP?" "No, cos they've all given me cast-iron guarantees they're not going to." "If I made a list, and we get a close-up..." "Can we get a close-up... ..on Peter?" "To see how you react when I read a list of names." "I've seen this on Jeremy Kyle, it's very effective." "Right, Peter Bone..." "David Cameron." "LAUGHTER" "I heard he's going to go." "Gordon Henderson MP." "What's his reaction?" "Who?" "Nothing." "Chris Kelly MP." "Watch this one." "PETER BONE MP!" "What's your reaction?" "!" "Slight nostril flare, I think, there." "Actually, my wife says, Mrs Bone says, that whenever my nostrils flare I'm not telling the truth." "That's just what she says, but I don't know whether you can interpret anything into that." "Crikey, it must be hard to control at home." "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean it, I was just flaring my nostrils." "I thought flared nostrils went out in the '70s." "Cameron was reported to have fumed that party activists had..." "Adding that Reckless should have..." "It's all bottoms, isn't it, with Cameron?" "That's Eton for you." "So the defections were timed to coincide with the Tory Conference." "Anyone want to see Cameron's impression of Hague?" "Let's have a look." "We all remember those lyrical tones, in a hall like this, all those years ago." "YORKSHIRE ACCENT: "Some of you won't be here in 30 years' time."" "APPLAUSE" "All right, I won't give up the day job." "He might!" "Depends how we vote." "And who was the darling of the Tory conference this year?" "Theresa May?" "They like the look of her, and then there's Boris." "Who would you go for?" "If you stay in the Tory Party, that is." "Well, I mean, the Prime Minister is going nowhere." "That is true." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "This is the Tory Party Conference, which was ever so slightly overshadowed by the defection to UKIP of Mark Reckless." "David Cameron was shocked by the departure of Mr Reckless and is now keeping a very close eye on" "Mr Treacherous, Mr Bastard... and of course, Mr Johnson." "Ian and Peter, take a look at this." "Paisley pyjamas, rather small pattern." "That's a middle-aged man." "LAUGHTER" "He's just, er, enlarging it." "Oh, dear, that's one of your lot." "Did you remember him?" "Yes, he was Minister for Civil Society." "And he was being very polite in...in his way." "This story's about a sting, isn't it?" "It's about a national newspaper - shall we call them The Mirror, for the sake of argument?" " setting up a bloke to look like a woman and really enticing a Conservative MP to do something that some people might say was unusual." "Yeah." "Would you say it was unusual?" "Well, I have to say..." "I have to say, in all fairness, to wear paisley pyjamas is completely unusual." "How did The Mirror justify the publication of this story?" "It's really funny." "It sells newspapers." "Sorry." "No, in fact they said Brooks Newmark was a legitimate target as he was the Minister for Civil Society and the founder of..." "LAUGHTER" "It would only be hypocrisy if he was the Minister for Genital Concealment." "Then, yeah, I think there is a public interest." "The Sunday Mirror's editor vigorously defended the paper's actions, saying..." "So presumably the correspondence began," ""Hello, I'm a male tabloid journalist" ""posing as a 21-year-old blonde woman." ""Would you mind sending me a photo of your penis, please?"" "She was called Sophie Wittams." "Oh, was she?" "Yeah, she was pretending to be a Tory activist." "She's saying, "Hello, big boy, I loved your pensions speech." ""I'm 26 and beautiful." And they go," ""Gosh, she's really interested in me."" "Can anyone name any of the other MPs that didn't fall for Sophie's charms?" "According to the Mail, there's Brandon Lewis to whom Sophie tweeted..." "There he is." "What a legend(!" ")" "And she also tweeted..." "Fit, fit, fit!" "SHE GROWLS SEDUCTIVELY" "LAUGHTER" "SHE GROWLS SEDUCTIVELY" "Fitty fit legend, hashtag." "And MP Charlie Elphicke coolly fended her off..." "And there he is." "Well, that's the first time I've ever heard them called that." "And what is this case being seen as a big test for?" "IPSO." "What does that stand for?" "It stands for the Independent Press Standards..." "Operation." "Organisation." "You should know this!" "No, I shouldn't, I'm not a member." "I always get them confused with ISIS." "And why has this come at a bad time for the Mirror Group newspapers?" "They've just agreed to pay out to all these people and they said," ""We did hack your phones." "We said we didn't, we did after all."" "It's exactly like the Murdoch case." "Do you think anyone in the Mirror Group is going to be prosecuted, on the Sunday Mirror or the Mirror, formerly edited by Piers Morgan?" "Who has already had a payout from the Mirror?" "Is it Sven-Goran Eriksson?" "Yes." "LAUGHTER" "How much am I getting?" "I can see it's a before and after picture." "What happened in-between?" "Was that the effect of Ulrika?" "Paul and Armando, here's another for you." "Oh, right, this is obviously a bit of Wagnerian opera, perhaps." "Woman applauding Wagnerian opera." "They've always been very fond of it." "And a judge." "The only thing I can think of was there was a case saying it's now legal...copyright..." "it's legal to... parody existing shows on the internet, as long as they're funny." "And they will be tested..." "A judge is going to decide whether they're funny or not." "Oh, God." "According to the Telegraph..." "If there's a jury of 12, you could see, I don't know, whether five or six of them laugh or the seventh one..." "Or whether they all go into a room and one person is arguing..." "And spends three months persuading the other 11." "And at the end of it they all laugh, damn them!" "12 Happy Men." "And what the judge's decision hinges on is that the new law requires..." "So you can't just say, "Oh, I meant my thing to be a joke."" "Your thing will actually have to make the judge laugh." "That's how most comedy works." "Yes." "And what must your parody not be?" "Well, you can't use the House of Commons, I know that." "You're still not allowed to take footage of the House of Commons and do funny things to it." "So the prime source of comic material is outside the remit of the law." "That's right." "We're not stupid." "Except if you answer the text with a..." "LAUGHTER" "I'm just thinking, Newmark would be a great range of pyjamas that do up properly in the front." "They could come with a todger already attached to the outside." "Apparently a parody mustn't be "malicious"." "What's the point?" "This law hasn't been thought through at all, has it?" "On TV you can hear people laughing, but on the internet what do you do?" "What do I do on the internet?" "Have you ever heard of a mashup, Peter?" "No." "Do you know what that is?" "No." "It's where people take other people's videos and slice them up and make their own version on YouTube." "Have you ever heard of YouTube, Peter?" "I-I-I..." "No." "There's someone who does this kind of thing called Cassetteboy." "And because the law has changed, the BBC sent their legal correspondent to track him down and interview him." "Let's have a look." "'...the man responsible for that is known as Cassetteboy." "'He agreed to talk to me on condition he could 'protect his identity by wearing a large cassette tape on his head.'" "Tell me about the legal issues and frustrations that you've had to negotiate in doing your work." "It feels like censorship." "It feels like our chosen form of expression is being censored." "It's like being a painter in a country where paint is illegal." "Let's have a look at Cassetteboy's latest oeuvre posted this week." "Topically enough, it's a mashup of David Cameron's conference speeches." "TUNE:" "Lose Yourself by Eminem" "We've been recording the music video and it goes like this." "# We don't care if you're driven to despair" "# Don't you dare say it's not fair" "# I'm not saying it's not funny" "# It is for me" "♪ I've got loads of money... ♪" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Talking about funny things on film, what did we discover about the Victorians in the papers this week?" "They're all dead." "Yes." "But they weren't actually as stiff and starchy as we all thought they were because they used to like pulling funny faces to camera." "Shall we have a look?" "Yes." "They don't get any funnier." "I'm sorry." "I'll let the judge decide that." "Was that done by a Victorian called Daguerreotype Boy?" "That's the first time I've heard a joke with the word daguerreotype." "The pictures were unearthed by Mr Chris Wild who found them in a museum in Ashington, Northumberland." "He told the Mail..." "Apart from when he got off the train in Ashington, obviously." "Right, does anyone know how long the exposure on the first ever photograph taken in 1827 was?" "20 minutes?" "According to the Mail it was several days." "Poor old Victorian Mr Brooks Newmark standing there for days..." "He'd keep the mood going by thinking of the empire." "That's very funny!" "Yes, this is an amendment to the copyright laws meaning you no longer need an artist's permission to parody their work." "This news was confirmed by..." "It's a very grim place to work." "I mean, you'll get a card and a cake but if anyone tries to sing" "Happy Birthday they're down on you like a ton of bricks." "There's also proof this week the Victorians DID have a sense of humour, as proved by a range of photographs from the 1880s." "Such as this one." "And this one." "Ian and Peter, here's another one for you." "This is Gulf War III." "There we are, that's our entire air force." "And that's the opposition." "ARMANDO:" "I thought those two pilots were mooning." "We're intervening again." "And there was a vote in the House of Commons." "Uh-huh." "What are we supposed to call the baddies in this conflict?" "ISIL." "ISIS." "IS." "The caliphate." "Some lunatics." "How come nobody noticed what ISIS were up to over the summer?" "World Cup." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Where was David Cameron?" "On holiday." "Yes!" "And with IS just a few miles away from Baghdad, how are the Iraqis trying to fend off their advance?" "Installing mirrors." "So when they're running they think there's someone coming towards them so they run away." "Doesn't always work." "By laughing at them." "Iraqi TV have just aired episode one of a sitcom called Mythical State, ridiculing IS and its leader in a sort of" "It Ain't Half Hot Mum-style sitcom." "Let's have a look at it." "THEY SING IN OWN LANGUAGE" "Some very brave actors." "Yes." "Be better if it had "You have been watching" crawling across the bottom." "Won't someone in ISIS eventually have to decide whether that was funny?" "It'll be one of their judges." "Yes." "Who are renowned for their sense of humour." "Did you spot the Joker in there?" "There was the woman in green, the Joker, so who's the guy on the right?" "Were these the judges for The X Factor?" "Where do ISIS get their money from?" "The Co-op." "It's a real scandal." "Is it from ISAs?" "Very good." "Apparently they get their money from" ""captured Iraqi oil wells and banks"" "but it's also alleged they are heavily funded by the Saudis." "Now, why would the Saudis be funding IS?" "Because they're Sunnis and they've been exporting extremism and terrorism through the region, allegedly." "I don't know why you said that." "They have been." "There was a crucial debate in the House of Commons last week." "Now, what does Mrs Bone think about sending the bombers in?" "Er..." "Cos you like to bring your wife into debates, don't you?" "Yes." "Didn't David Cameron tell the Commons that he..." "LAUGHTER" "Yes, he did say that." "Was that in a text?" "Quite a lot of countries were involved in the bombing of ISIS, including the United Arab Emirates." "Who was their star bomber?" "It was a female bomber." "Yes." "Her name is Mariam al-Mansouri." "She's been picked up on by all the papers and on television in America." "Let's have a look at that." "The first female pilot, piloting for the UAE, there she was leading the strikes - dropped the bombs on ISIS on Monday night." "This is really incredible." "Major Mariam al-Mansouri is who did this." "Remarkable, very exciting." "I wish it was an American pilot." "I'll take a woman doing this any day to them." "Problem is, after she bombed it, she couldn't park it." "GROANING" "I salute her." "Would that be considered boobs on the ground or no?" "Oh, my God." "Why did you ruin my thing?" "Why did he ruin it?" "I'm confused as to which one's the enemy now." "I thought it was very well balanced." "You had one person who was a woman, who was an idiot." "Then you had two men who were also idiots." "There was a general inanity balance that I think television in America does really well." "This is our attack on Iraq to put an end to the War on Terror." "Australian construction firm ISIS is considering a name change." "..said their spokesman Alan Qaeda." "And so on to round two, the picture spin quiz." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER SOUNDS" "This is the guy who's in charge of North Korea." "He's disappeared, as hard as that is to believe, looking at that picture." "But he has..." "Why has he?" "They think that he's..." "He's quite overweight and he may be in poor health." "This was taken shortly before he perched himself at the end of the conveyor belt with his mouth open." "This is the news that Kim Jong-un is not well, bringing back memories of his father Kim Jong-ill." "It's cheese, though." "Yes, well done." "It's cheese." "Kim watchers have decided he's eating too much cheese." "Yes." "Well, according to the Metro..." "Ah, well, they know." "They would know." "Nothing like a giveaway London free newspaper..." "They do know, actually, Ian." "..to give you the lowdown on North Korea." "Anyone know what kind of cheese he's particularly addicted to?" "Camembert." "Kim-embert!" "No, according to the Metro..." "Is it Korea-philly?" "Oh, dear." "I'm terribly sorry." "This could be a spin-off programme." "With a bit of luck." "He is in fact addicted to..." "Poisoned cheese." "Emmental cheese." "He has an Emmental cheese addiction." "In a rare display of openness, what did North Korean TV show?" "His digestive tract?" "They released a documentary showing Kim limping around factories." "I just think he's got Babybel stuck in his shoe." "Oh..." "The bloke behind him is walking the same as him to try and make it look normal." "Look." "Why has ex-Fulham manager Felix Magath had his own cheese problems recently?" "He insisted that his players eat cheese or insist they wouldn't eat cheese or something." "Putting cheese on a bruise or an injury." "A hamstring injury." "Yes." "Strap a bit of cheese to your leg." "He has in fact been universally ridiculed after it was revealed that he told one of his defenders to treat a leg injury by..." "Ex-defender Brede Hangeland revealed that Magath advised..." "And he was told to..." "What, of course, now, do Fulham fans sing whenever their players gets injured?" "Cheese-based pun, football chant." "I don't know enough football chants." "It's very obvious." "They just chant..." "Oscar Wilde, eat your heart out." "What is the great scandal about British cheese according to the" "Secretary of State for Environment, Food And Rural Affairs, Liz Truss?" "I don't think we're going to be allowed to eat cheese anymore." "Well, let's have a look at what Liz Truss had to say." "We import two thirds of our cheese." "That is a disgrace." "Yeah, weird." "If you're wondering what Liz Truss...is up...to...in December... let's have a look." "In December, I'll be in Beijing opening up new pork markets." "She likes to enjoy herself on holiday, doesn't she?" "She looks as though she forgot something in the middle there." "No, that's Ed Miliband." "Yes, this is the news that Kim Jong-un has been hospitalised because of his cheese addiction." "Kim Jong-un is so fat that his ankles are fractured." "But in North Korea, if you say he's so fat that his ankles are fractured, your ankles are fractured." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER SOUNDS" "Yeah, well, that was right at the end when you saw his face." "He seems to have become a saint." "He's got a halo." "I missed that news." "Is it to do with Kazakhstan?" "He's working for them now." "It's not to do with that." "This, in fact, is the news that Tony Blair has been named as one of the top gay icons of the last 30 years." "Yes, I read that." "He's never been a straight kind of guy, has he?" "Who awarded him this accolade?" "How is he a top gay icon?" "Cos he introduced civil partnerships." "Oh, OK." "That's fair enough, yeah." "Who was it?" "It was the Gay Times, in fact." "Actually, he's only the cover star for the online version of the magazine." "Obviously they couldn't put Blair on the printed version, as it would confuse regular buyers of Warmonger World." "Blair has won another award over the summer." "Does anyone know what that other award was?" "Philanthropist of the Year." "Indeed." "Yes, from GQ, rather than GT." "But that's a hat-trick for Blair." "Gay Icon from GT." "Philanthropist of the Year from GQ, and the World's Biggest Bastard from G Brown." "So this is the 30th anniversary of Gay Times, which included Tony Blair in their list of Gay Icons." "Tony Blair was pleased to be recognised for his government's contribution to gay rights, saying..." "Oh, yes, Tony." "Hitler was very proud of painting." "Time now for the odd one out round." "Paul and Armando, your four are a haggis, James Bond, Doncaster and Armando Iannucci himself." "Mr Iannucci next to me is Scottish." "The haggis is Scottish, so it's presumably this sort of theme." "That's James Bond rather than Roger Moore." "His parents were Scottish, weren't they?" "He was at school in Scotland." "It can't be the simple thing that they're all associated with Scotland apart from Doncaster, cos that would be idiotic." "It would be like Junior Have I Got News For You." "Have I Got News For You Light." "Did Doncaster used to be in Scotland and there was a boundary issue?" "You're going very close." "Is it the haggis then?" "Is the haggis..." "James Bond, me, and Doncaster - we all came from Scotland..." "But then moved elsewhere." "The haggis..." "Has always been Scottish." "Haggis is the odd one out." "Haggis is the odd one out, because according to a food historian, it was invented by the English before being hijacked by Scottish nationalists, so..." "I think we let them have it, to be honest." "Doncaster is still officially Scottish." "Passionate argument has raged between England and Scotland as to who owns Doncaster, as neither side really wants it." "What did you make of the whole referendum thing then?" "I kind of enjoyed the bribery." "That was great." "Scotland were never going to vote for independence." "I just loved that every day there was a new bribe." "It was fantastic." "There were some Russian observers there." "They did think that the vote was rigged." "Four Russian observers travelled to Scotland to watch how the vote was counted." "According to one, the process didn't conform to..." "Like they'd know!" "It was a very simple question in the Scottish referendum, which is do you want to be disappointed by this evening's result." "45% said yes." "Now that he's stepped down, what's Alex Salmond going to do now?" "Well, actually, I don't really care." "We've just found a rather good picture of him feeding an ice cream to a young lady voter on Stirling University Campus." "He's certainly got the personal touch." "Got a little clip of him here greeting a voter behind Laura Kuenssberg's shoulder." "This is it, the last push for this man and these people's dreams." "But still with just a few hours before the polling stations open, there are still thousands of undecided voters." "How do we know that's not a Sunday Mirror journalist in disguise?" "Voters wrangled over the important issues in the referendum - tax, currency and nationalism." "For some, some of the reasons were a little less political." "What do you think will decide you?" "I think it will be Yes, but I want it to be a No, because I want to see Match Of The Day on a Saturday." "So that's Sir Roger Moore as Bond, and Sir Roger is doing a tour of the country to promote his book at the moment." "A reporter from a newspaper in Torquay, the Herald Express, got hold of this exclusive, and tweeted it..." "..which provoked a very angry response from Sir Roger himself." "The newspaper then went with this headline..." "Yes, they're all Scottish apart from haggis which originated in England." "So, James Bond is apparently Scottish." "We all remember his fierce battle against Dr No or Dr Better Together as we now know him." "Ian and Peter, here are yours." "A man named Gareth," "George Michael," "Karl Marx and Dr Van Helsing." "Gareth is the ordinary member of the public that Ed Miliband met on Hampstead Heath which is near where he lives." "In his conference speech, he pointed out a number of people that he'd met who were real and ordinary and could talk." "He'd forgot he'd met him." "No, that's the only thing he didn't forget." "So, I think the link is George Michael," "Ed met on Hampstead Heath." "LAUGHTER" "Karl Marx is buried in Highgate Cemetery which is quite near there." "Dr Van Helsing was looking for vampires in Hampstead." "They all wander around on Hampstead Heath except Dr Van Helsing so he's the odd one out, Van Helsing." "Yes." "They've all met a man on Hampstead Heath except for Dr Van Helsing who, in Bram Stoker's novel, went there looking for a vampire, so absolutely right, well done." "Let's have a look at the man named Gareth on Newsnight with the Newsnight caption." "Is Gareth not his real name then?" "Between quotation marks." "What was it about Ed Miliband that Gareth was most impressed by during their encounter on the Heath?" "His height." "His pulse." "That faraway, dreamy look in his eyes." "Apparently, it was his attitude." "Apparently, Gareth voted Lib Dem at the last election but after speaking to Miliband in person, he said he would now..." "He probably says that to all the boys he meets on the Heath." "What did Gareth think of Ed's speech?" "He thought it was all right." "He didn't enjoy it too much." "He said... ..before adding..." "During his speech, Ed promised that Labour would raise the minimum wage." "Now, who do we know who wouldn't be a fan of that, Peter?" "I don't know." "Were you not once dubbed...?" "Yes." "And did you not once pay someone...?" "CROWD MURMURS" "Well, no, it wasn't 87p an hour." "Not that much?" "No, it wasn't that much." "So, how much was it?" "8.7p?" "Yeah, something like that." "Were you embarrassed?" "Me?" "Yeah." "No, no." "It was a government training scheme actually." "Was it really?" "Yes, it was a government training scheme." "So, the government training scheme said you should only pay 87p an hour?" "Well, ?" "30 a week actually." "Right." "And for some reason, a paper, the Mirror, dubbed me the "meanest boss in Britain" which I thought was wholly correct." "Well, of course, you're not mean because how much do you pay your wife to be your secretary?" "It is..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "It is close to that figure." "It is close." "I think, according to the Mirror, Mrs Bone gets over... ..which is..." "Is that a government training scheme?" "How many hours is she working at 87p an hour to earn that sort of money?" "Yes, they have all met a man on Hampstead Heath except for Dr Van Helsing who went there looking for a vampire." "At least that's what he told Mrs Van Helsing." "It's well known that one or two areas of Hampstead Heath are frequented by people cruising for sex." "As are all the other areas." "And it's time now for the Missing Words round which, this week, features as its guest publication..." "The magazine of the dentist industry." "And we'll start with..." "PETER:" "I don't like teeth." "I have absolutely no concept of personal hygiene." "ARMANDO:" "I have no hands." "Abu Hamza retraining." "Well, he could put all the drill bits on, couldn't he?" "It'd be fantastic." "Is it "because I know they hate me"?" "I've got lots of friends who are dentists and they say it's very sad because people come to see them and they go, "Ah, lovely to see you," and they go..." "IAN GROANS" "You have LOTS of friends who are dentists?" "I've got two." "Two friends?" "That's hardly lots, is it, Mr Hislop?" "Well, I haven't got many friends." "The answer is quite hard." "It is..." "Next..." "He's a gay icon." "Is he?" "The answer is..." "He does cry a lot." "Yeah, but self-absorbed, I mean that's ridiculous." "He's a sponge." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Next..." "Chiswick Bypass." "Eating a brick." "Breaking into a very hard tomato." "Once broke a tooth by interrogating it for 45 hours." "No, the answer's much more dull." "It's..." "How do you sit on your own head?" "He had a false tooth and he had it in his pocket and he sat on it and he broke it." "At an auction in 2010," "Winston Churchill's false teeth sold for ?" "15,200 to a private collector which was a disappointment for the Albert Hall as they were hoping to add the teeth to their small but important collection of body parts of World War II leaders." "Good, I'm so pleased you got that cos I didn't." "Next..." "Cannabis cards." "When people grow cannabis, it smells like this so you scratch the card and then you're meant to go around your neighbour's garden and see if it's got the same smell but the trouble is the kids are collecting these and smoking them." "I thought it was a replacement for stop and search." "Scratch and sniff?" "Yeah, the answer is..." "Yeah." "I wouldn't have said it otherwise." "These are to help the public recognise cannabis factories in Northern Ireland." "If you want to locate the grass in your street, he's the one sniffing the card and phoning the police." "Next..." "Joins The Beach Boys." "PETER:" "Remembers his words better than Ed Miliband." "Oh." "You're determined to make that into a joke one day, aren't you?" "He was soon presented with a lucrative contract which he promptly ate." "Let's have a look at Jebediah in action." "GOAT BLEATS" "In no way can that be described as singing!" "It's a plea for help." "Next..." "ARMANDO:" "Carries an awful lot on his conscience." "Oh!" "I like that." "The actual answer is..." "Here he is." "What?" "PAUL LAUGHS" "ARMANDO:" "It's actually the god Atlas." "Yes, it is." "And, finally..." "ARMANDO:" "Dimbleby." "Goodbye, 1921." "Brilliant." "You see, that's maths." "That's maths, I've worked that out." "Goodbye, the tax disc." "Yes." "Now, if the authorities want to spot an untaxed car, he's normally hosting a panel show on Channel 4." "So, the final scores are eight points to Ian and Peter, nine points to Armando and Paul." "No." "APPLAUSE" "We've lost, which you're going to have to get used to." "On which note, we say thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Peter Bone MP," "Paul Merton and Armando Iannucci, and I leave you with the news that in a further bid to be recognised by the international community as a fully-functioning nation, the Islamic State enters Miss World." "There's confusion at the British Fish Awards when the judge announces that first prize has gone to a massive pollock." "And at the Birmingham Hilton, there's a sharp intake of breath from the floor below as Theresa May steps into the shower." "Good night." "APPLAUSE" "Did I tell you Ed Miliband forgot some of his speech?" "You didn't, but it was so interesting," "I'm glad I heard it again." "That's the first time that joke's got a laugh, but nobody was recording it." "LAUGHTER"