"Welcome, everyone." "You may have noticed we have a new member with us." " This is Bob." " Hey, guys." " Hey." " Hello." "Bob got into a little legal trouble where he works... at Wendy's." "You want to tell the group what caused the judge to recommend counseling?" "I had a disagreement with my boss." "And you felt that warranted taking your Subaru and turning the regular entrance into a drive-thru entrance?" "Truth is I've always had issues with anger." "My boss at Wendy's was kind of disrespectful." "Oh, also, I'm the Devil." "Bob, just because people vilify us or we feel guilty about a certain incident, that doesn't mean we're the Devil." "You're right, we're not the Devil." "I'm the Devil and I don't feel guilty about anything." "Okay, did the new guy just say that he was the Devil?" "Yes, but we need confirmation." "Ed, is this the man you work for?" "No!" "And I'm pretty sure that's just an expression." "Back in the day, when a fella called himself the Devil, that just meant he liked big gals." "No, actually, I meant that I am Satan." "Ruler of the underworld." "He of the cloven hoof." "Well, this is all news to me, Bob." "But there's nothing here in your file that says anything about you being the Prince of Darkness." "Although I did kind of skip over that you listed your emergency contact as Charles Manson." "He's always home." "Seemed like a natural." "Okay, I got to go." "I can't sit here anymore." "Lacey, if Bob's making you uncomfortable..." "No, I just got waxed and my shorts are sticking." "I did that." "So you're the Devil, huh?" "Tell your buddy Barack he's doing a hell of a job." "I will." "Oh, just so everybody knows," "I'm still in the market for souls." "So if you have one to sell for an unfulfilled dream or desire," "I'm your guy." "Bob, I'm going to let you stay in group under one condition:" "that you stop talking about all this Devil stuff." "Deal." "I have something I'd like to talk about." "Nolan has the floor." "I really like Lacey a lot and I would do anything to get her to like me." "I would give anything." "Sell anything." " Nolan!" " Done." " She's yours." " Bob, we had a deal." "Yeah, but it was with the Devil." "Okay, I'm going to say something that I've never said before." "No selling souls in group." "I never put that in the rules 'cause I didn't think I had to." "Anger Management 2x40" " Charlie and the Devil - Original air date October 31, 2013" "Yay!" "Mom's dead." "You're no fun." "You used to love my Halloween pranks when you were little." "You'd cry, you had nightmares, you peed your bed." "It was awesome." "Mom, I want to talk to you about Halloween." " I can't wait." " Stacy's having a party, so I'm not going to be able to stay." "Okay." "You can go to Stacy's at 9:00, but until then, we're having forced mother-daughter fun." "( Screams )" "My thumb!" "Oh, I cut my thumb!" "Nice try, Mom." "Oh, God, this isn't about you!" "This is real!" "This is bad." "I need to go to the hospital." "You're going to have to drive." "I get to drive?" "!" "No, sucker!" " Hey." " Hey." "So are you going to dress up for Halloween?" "I was going to go as a giant dick, but you beat me to it." "That's painful and I'm hurt." "Seriously, why do you look like an idiot?" "Well, with Halloween coming up, I asked everyone in my group to dress in whatever costume they felt expressed where they're at in their life." "So you're the Johnnie Walker whiskey guy?" "No, I'm the Mad... yes, I'm the Johnnie Walker whiskey guy." "Why are you here?" "I wanted to see if you would join me for a double date on Halloween." "A double date?" "Gee whiz, who do I get, Laverne or Shirley?" "You get Carlita." "Whoa." "She's hot." "What's her story?" "She's a motorcycle model." "Really helps to get into soft-core porn." "Hey, Charlie." "I just dropped Ed off." "Hi, I'm Martin." "Charlie's dad." " How are you, sir?" " Sir, I like that." " And you are?" " I'm Sean." "I'm Charlie's new neighbor." "I was just setting your son up with a young lady that I met in church." "Church going young man." "I like that, too." " My dad is a hard-core Catholic." " Oh, really?" "The girl I'm setting him up with is more like soft-core." "Please, God, someday she'll be be hard-core." "Fingers crossed." "What's her name?" " Carlita." " So, Charlie, maybe you could take this Carlita to a church function for your first date." "I'm not going back to church, Dad." "It took me years to get going-to-hell stuff out of my head." "Now if you'll excuse me, the Devil wants his blueberry muffin." "So, Sean, could we talk?" "Nolan, you're supposed to wear a costume that represents where you think you are in life." "I am." "I think I'm in California." "Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you?" " I got a big problem." " What is it?" "I'm really scared." "I never should have sold my soul to Bob so Lacey would love me." "Nolan, you didn't sell your soul to anybody." "Trust me, as a recovering Catholic," "I know that the Devil goes by many names." "Bob ain't one of them." "Trust me, you're safe." "Patrick, an astronaut." "What's up with that?" "Well, I looked at my life and I feel like I'm floating in space completely alone." "Also, I'm really kind of above everybody." "Ed, I love what you got going on here." "Your wife threw you out of the house, you're shacking up somewhere else, money's tight." "Is that why you dressed like a hobo?" "No, no, that's Patrick." "I'm not... oh, you said hobo." "You heard him just fine, didn't you?" "Yeah." "I picked this costume just for that joke." "( Laughs )" "And, Bob, you are dressed like..." "The Devil." "Where's Lacey?" "She should be here any minute." "Hey." "Speak of the me." "Behold, Cleopatra," "Queen of the Nile." "Way to go, Lacey." "And what makes you feel like Cleopatra?" "Well, she was super strong and, like, super smart and she totally ruled her people and she was great in the sack." "But ultimately, she gave up her entire kingdom for the man that she loved." "Holy hell." "( Laughing devilishly )" "Shut up, Bob." "Sorry." "So, Cleo, I hear your parole hearing didn't go so well." "No, it did not go so well." "No, it did not." "I understand you used the defense that one of your other personalities did it." "That your crimes were committed by" "Monique Detwoliterfresca." "She's a bad girl who really likes Fresca." "I don't know why it didn't work." "I'll tell you why, 'cause you're full of it." "I see this all the time." "People want to get out of crimes." "People want attention." "There's a patient in my group right now who says he's the Devil." "I don't know, Charlie." "Any guy who says he's the Devil, you gotta take that seriously." "Because one of those guys that says he's the guy, is "the guy."" "But he's not "the guy," but one of my other patients thinks he's "the guy" and sold him his soul." "Oh, he's doomed." "All you can do now, Charlie, is protect yourself." "First thing you gotta do is say his name backwards." "It's Bob." "So, let me see..." "Bob." "Oh, damn, the Devil's so tricky." "He made it so you can never say his name backwards." "Y'all done talking?" "Y'all done playing around?" "'Cause there ain't no way in hell that Charlie's patient is the Devil." "Any rational human being knows that." "Exactly." "Everyone listen to Wayne." "The Devil's right here in Cell Block D." "Okay, no one listen to Wayne." "This dude is Satan." "When you meet him, oh-oh, you'll know." "You know, if your friend Bob took a trip to Cell Block D, he wouldn't dare call himself the Devil anymore." "Wayne, there is no Devil." "But you know what?" "Maybe if Bob met somebody with a similar delusion, it might jar him back to reality." "Just make sure, when you go down to Cell Block D, you say the Dark Lord's name backwards." "And his name is?" "Otto." "Of course it is." "Sam:" "So, change of plans, Mom." "I can only hang out with you till 7:00 on Halloween." "What?" "We had a deal." "You promised me you'd stay until 9:00." "But Stacey's rich." "Okay, that buys you an hour." "8:00, but bring me home some rich people cake." "And if the soap is good, take some of that, too." "Fine, I'll stay till 8:00." "8:00." "Hello." "Well, hello." "I'm Jeff." "I just moved in next door." "I wanted to say hi." "Hi, I'm Jennifer." "This is my daughter Sam." "You and your wife got a great place." "I love that house." "Divorced." "Oh, great." "Me, too." "Come in." "Listen, why don't you come here for Halloween?" "I can give you all the local gossip over my witch's brew." "It's just juice with a lot of vodka." "I'll be by myself because Sam's going to a party early." "Right, Sam?" "I am." "At 7:00." "You can go at 6:00 if you want." "So what do you say?" "I would love to, but I need to ask Quinn." "We plan to spend Halloween together." "Quinn, drop the box, come meet the neighbors." "He just got back from class." "Hey, cool skeleton." "Yeah, we found it in a shallow grave in your backyard before you guys moved in." "Is it okay if Quinn comes, too?" "Totally." "Right, Mom?" "Of course." "I mean, what about your party?" "Oh, that party's not important." "I really want to spend Halloween with you." "What a nice thing to say to your mother." "She wasn't talking to me." "I know this seems unusual, Bob, but seeing people locked up because of their anger is part of your therapy." "Hey, can we swing by death row later on before we leave?" "I want to thank them for their service." "Why don't you wait here and I'll bring you in in a second?" "Okay." "Hello." "Who dares to stand before me?" "My name is Charlie Goodson." "I run a therapy group in this prison." "State your purpose." "But know full well that all who doubt my supreme power shall burn in the lake of fire for all of eternity." "Good to know." "Anyhoo," "I brought someone who I thought might benefit from meeting you." "Bob." "Uh, Bob, Otto." "Otto, Bob." "Oh, my Lord of Darkness," "I submit to you my mortal soul." "Rise, my son, for as my minion, you shall rule by my side at the gates of hell." "Really?" "That's how this is going?" "And you, for doubting me, I curse thee." "You shall now lose something that you love." "Sorry to get all formal, I'm working." "What the hell?" "How can you do a Google search of the Bible and still come up with porn?" "Martin:" "Charlie, where are ya?" "I'm in here." "Hey, son, we have to talk." "Ed tells me that you have the Devil in your group?" "No, no, no, no." "I have a guy who thinks he's the Devil." "So I'm trying to find some logical evidence here to prove to him that he's not." "Charlie, there is nothing in any one of these books that can disprove the existence of the Devil." "He's as real as you and me." "So you're saying that the curse he put on me is real?" "Curse?" "What curse?" "He said I was going to lose something I love." "Oh, God, I'm a dead man." "Trust me, Dad, you're safe." "Oh." "Charlie, if there was ever a time for you to come back to the Church, now is that time." ""Put on the whole armor of God"" ""that ye may be able to stand against the schemes of the Devil."" "Ephesians 6:11." "Get out of my kitchen." "Los Angeles, 7:45." "Look, son..." "I'm not going back to church, Dad." "Now, I'm just saying, you are dealing with the Devil." "I deal with the Devil once a year." "I hand him his Father's Day card and then I walk out." "Lacey, for the last time, please get back in your seat and leave Nolan alone." "But this is the only time I get to see him." "He won't let me into his house and he won't answer my calls." "Because you're under the control of the Devil." "Where is Bob?" "Did he go down to Georgia?" "No, he took the night off for Halloween." "To make a few extra bucks, he tries to win costume contests in "winged form."" "But you have to do something about this." "I don't want to lose my soul." "You know who else lost their soul?" "Usher, Usher, Usher, Usher." "Nolan, it's meaningless." "The guy even cursed me." "He said that I would lose something I love." "Like the way the world lost Usher when he lost his soul?" "Everything isn't about Usher!" "Okay, let me try one more time." "Lacey, honey," "Nolan's car has cloth seats." "I don't care." "Well, there's nothing more I can do." "Lacey, just try one more time to explain to us why you're so in love with Nolan." "I think it's because of his stained T-shirt." "Or maybe it's the way he cuts his own hair that makes me want his Cheeto-powdered fingers all over me." "Get away from me, you succubus." "Lacey:" "No." " Get her off me." " No." " Get her off me." " No, no, no." "All right, all right, come on, come on, come on." " No!" "No!" "No!" " Come on, come on, come on." "You got her, come on, come on." "All right, all right, all right." "Everybody just chill out." "Bob is not the Devil." "Nolan's not going to lose his soul." "We all just need to stop." "I can't, I want him." "Nolan, you got a head start." "Take it." "I'm watching your ass." "It's adorable." "Don't look at my ass!" "You know I'm gonna catch him, Charlie, right?" "He runs like a girl, and I love that." "I hope you're right about Bob not being the Devil." "Charlie, Charlie." "Couple of Puerto Rican chicks in here that are just dying to meet you." "If you're waiting for me to sing something back, not gonna happen." " He's on his way, okay." " Awesome." "Charlie, this is Maria and Carlita." "Hi, I'm Charlie." "Sean, why don't you make us all a quick drink and I'll go upstairs and change." "I've never been out with a psychologist before." "I hope you're not gonna analyze me." "Too late." "Anybody who says that is intelligent, sexy, confident with their body, and attracted to guys named Charlie." "You're cute." "I know, I'm Charlie." "Oh, my God," "I am so sorry." "Holy crap, where the hell did that come from?" "From your head." "What?" "Dude, something is wrong with your hair." "Oh, my God," "Bob the Devil said I would lose something I love." "Relax, it's fine, okay?" "Everything is okay." "Listen, ladies, the bald guy is gonna go upstairs and grab a hat, and then we'll get going." "Oh no, you are too young to dress like that." "Yeah, and you're too old." "Come on, Sam, I think I have a shot with this guy." "Yeah, well, I actually think I have a shot with his son." "A shot to do what?" "A lot less than you." "( Doorbell rings )" "Oh, it's them." "Okay, sweetheart, you look beautiful." "But you need to remember, if it doesn't work out for you, don't ruin Mommy's night." "Tennis, anyone?" "Oh, I love your outfits." "1970s tennis players, hilarious." "I can't believe people actually dressed like that." "Yeah, I know, right?" "We wore these at the parade this summer." " The parade?" " Yeah, the Gay Pride Parade." "It was insane this year." "You hear that, Mom?" "They went to the Gay Pride Parade." "Oh, good for you for being so supportive." "Do you have a cousin or a nephew or someone who's gay... oh!" "You're gay." "You're gay." "Okay." "I love your outfit." "Thanks, I'm a stupid nurse." "Hey, don't worry about a thing." "You'll look great bald." "Or maybe you'll win the lottery and you can still get a woman." "Dad, I am freaking out here." "I know that you are, and that's why you're going to mass with me this morning." "Because as soon as you get your feet set back on the path of righteousness, the power of the Devil over you will be greatly diminished." "Yeah, maybe, I just feel like such an idiot." "I've rebelled against this for the last 30 years." "Why did it have to be my hair?" "Why couldn't he have put a plague upon my family or taken my oxen or something?" "Hey, guys." "What are you both so dressed up for?" "We're just leaving for the 10:00 mass." "You're going to church?" "That actually worked?" "What worked?" "God's will." "Now, come on, I don't want to get a crappy pew." "No, no, no, hold on, hold on." "That's not what worked." "Something else worked." "What the hell worked?" "The hair thing." "It was a trick." "A trick?" "Charlie, your hair is fine." "This guy comes to me with this crazy plan to get you back into church, so I had Carlita pretend to pull some hair out of your head." "You got to admit, she was pretty convincing." "Oh, yeah, she's gonna kill in soft-core porn." "Why would you do that to me?" "It was Halloween." "How could I believe you were a good Catholic boy who was gonna help me get my son back to the Church?" "It was Halloween." "Well, you know what?" "You're both idiots." "You, you're lucky I still got laid last night." "And you, you had to suffer the indignity of... hearing about your son getting laid last night." "Well, as everyone can see," "Bob is back with us today." "Hey, guys." "Would you please stop it with the whole regular guy-Devil thing?" "The Devil would never say, "Hey, guys."" "If anything, he would say, "Greetings, mortals."" "I don't even think he would say that." "Bob talks like a regular guy because that's all he is." "Bob is not the Devil." "What are you talking about?" "Of course I am." "You're not." "Even I fell for it, thanks to that seed of superstition my father planted in me during my Catholic upbringing." "I even went to church and talked to a priest." "Those guys crack me up." "Even had this... this ancient book of old Latin exorcism prayers." "I got to tell you, those books never made sense to me." "I never learned Latin." "A little Spanish, you know, just for the Inquisition." "I even said one of those prayers, Bob." "And that is how I know that you are not the Devil." "Because if you were, your hair would be falling out." "And plainly... oh, my God, your hair is falling out." "All hail, Baldy the Devil!" "Why is this happening?" "I..." "I..." "I'm not the Devil." "I was just pretending to get a little respect at Wendy's." "You don't understand the politics of that place." "Thank you." "And this is not your hair." "I gave my neighbor Sean a haircut." "He owed me one, and plus, he's a heavy sleeper." "So long, Bob." "Fine." "( Deep voice ) Good-bye, Satan." "Wait, this is amazing." "I didn't sell my soul, which means Lacey really loves me." "Hey, sorry I'm late." "I just slept for 18 hours." "I bet my friend that I could do ecstasy five days in a row and it wouldn't affect my life and I totally won the bet." "Ecstasy?" "You said you were in love with me." "You said my ass was adorable." "Wow, I did?" "Well, that didn't affect my life, so I still won the 50 bucks." "Yay me." "Charlie, what the hell, you couldn't take hair from the back, you had to take it from the top?" "It was Halloween."