"What's with the Michael Jackson outfit?" "That's, like, two years old." "I got scared." "You were supposed to be Billy Ocean." "Why would Michael Jackson sing with Roland Orzabal?" "Why would Billy Ocean sing with Roland Orzabal?" "'Cause he's awesome." "Now we gotta add the moonwalk into Shout and hope the judges don't slam us for it." "I don't know how to moonwalk." "You better learn quick." "Shawn Spencer and Mr. Burton Guster." "Let's give 'em a nice round of applause." "# She'll be... # # Comin' around the mountain #" "# When she comes # # She'll be comin' around # # the mountain # # When she comes #" "# She'll be comin' around # # the mountain #" "# She'll be comin' around # # the mountain #" "# She'll be comin' around # # the mountain #" "# When she comes #" "# Ave Maria #" "You're stiff." "Inarticulate." "Slightly jaundiced." "Asymmetrical." "You smell." "The one on the right... there's something in your teeth." "All in all, I'd say there's absolutely nothing worthwhile about either one of you." "But we haven't even sang yet." "Apples and oranges." "Anybody else?" "I like 'em." "Well, of course you liked them." "You've been asleep for the last 45 minutes." "Zapato?" "Well, I..." "Good." "Moving on." "Coming up after the break..." "You see what I mean?" "Shh!" "You shooshing me for reality TV?" "Dude..." "Zip!" "I'm Lester Beacon and this is American Duos." "# American Duos #" "Rule number one, Shawn... no talking during Duos." "Oh, for the love of Lori Loughlin." "Please use the pause button just once." "Why did we get TiVo if we never fast-forward and I can't stop for commentary?" "Whoa, no calls either." "Gus, don't be a rabid porcupine." "This is just another knockoff of the other knockoff of the original knockoff of that other show." "# And welcome back # # to American Duos. #" "First of all, Shawn, look at the guy on the right." "# American Duos # Zapato?" "He's not black." "He's Latino." "That's different." "The contestants in this one are duos, which makes it way more compelling." "They have to mesh, become one soul." "Like V'ger and Stephen Collins in Star Trek I." "And they're shooting in Santa Barbara this year, which more than compensates." "Don't you dare answer that." "Dude, it's Jules." "She could be bleeding and in a ditch." "She's not bleeding." "She could be in a ditch." "She's not in a ditch." "She could be lonely and in the shower." "She has a shower phone?" "I certainly hope so." "Dude, it's a win-win... except for the ditch one." "Hello?" "Nothing... at all." "We'll be right there." "Shawn!" "That's it." "I'm canceling the TiVo." "No more frame-by-frame." "No more Ghost Cat." "I recorded that by accident." "Then why didn't you erase it for three months?" "Fine, but I'm putting up the official Burton Guster spoiler alert." "Until I get back and watch the recording, nobody utters a word about American Duos." "That's going to be difficult." "Why?" "That's Nigel St. Nigel." "You know, you were totally unfair to Catherine Clement in season two." "I don't remember the person to whom you are referring." "But she was hideous." "This is them?" "Yes, this is Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster... our resident psychic team." "The answer is no." "Mr. St. Nigel, this is exactly what you asked for." "Hear them out." "There's no reason." "Hear... them... out." "Nigel needs protection." "Do you realize you're in a police station?" "I don't trust the police." "They're useless." "No offense." "Oh, none taken." "Mr. St. Nigel has been the victim of a series of attempts and threats on his life by a crazed stalker." "He believes that even the police could somehow be in on the conspiracy even though we've assured him that..." "I can speak for myself." "And stop slouching." "Every time I bring in some sort of professional protection my attacker gets closer." "My car has been tampered with." "My trailer has been broken into." "Accidents follow me everywhere." "What I need is someone who can anticipate my attacker's next move." "Someone who can move about undetected." "You're talking about a psychic." "Someone who can see danger before it occurs." "Someone who can say, "Nigel, duck!"" "before the bullet exits the chamber." "Spare me the theatrics." "Can you do it or not?" "Look, we are asking you to go undercover." "No one outside of this office will know that you're on the job." "What about Detective Lassiter?" "Absolutely not." "His hair looks like it's been poured out of a cake mold." "Nigel, get ready to feel safe." "Jules, I need complete access to the theater." "Green rooms, air shafts, spokesmodels..." "Whoa, whoa, slow down." "We need to think this through." "Come up with a plan." "You'll need to blend." "Obviously the local police already know you so a false identity..." "I already have a plan." "You have a plan?" "What is it?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I thought you wanted us to be stealth." "Bring on the next contestants." "Presenting Shawn Spence Starr and Gus TT Showbizz." "Good luck, guys." "Hello." "So, what do you two hope to get out of the competition?" "Just hope to be here long enough to do something awesome." "Well, you know, round one is the most..." "Why don't you just go ahead?" "Warm up." "# I keep # # Tonight #" "# I keep # # Tonight #" "You're warm." "You're red hot." "# Talking away # # I don't know wha - #" "# What to say... #" "# I'll say it anyway # # Slowly learn # # that life is okay # # Wrong verse. #" "# I'll be coming # # for your love okay #" "# Take on me # # Take on me #" "# Take me on # # Take on me #" "# I'll be gone # # In a dream #" "Really?" "Well... that was, um... something." "Something awesome." "Honestly, guys." "Bad news." "I mean, this is gonna hurt..." "Although I do love your style because you both chose to wear purple." "But I think we need to be fort... forth... ford... forthright in saying that..." "That we cannot even begin to understand how brilliant that was." "What are you... are you crazy?" "It was real." "It was rough." "Post-post-postmodern, yet challenging." "Sandpaper-esque." "They weren't even singing the same verse." "I'm voting no." "I'm voting yes." "Well, it's up to Zapato." "He votes yes." "He hasn't even spoken." "He doesn't need to." "Zapato?" "Votes yes." "Come on!" "Jam a cork in it, Lester." "We're moving on." "Oh..." "Nigel, we all saw what happened with the Indian kid on that other show and..." "Next!" "Look out!" "Ahem... sweet!" "See you guys in round two." "# I know you know #" "# That I'm not telling # # the truth #" "# I know you know # # They just don't have # # any proof # # Where's the deception?" "#" "# Learn how to bend # # Your worst inhibitions #" "# Tend to psych you out # # in the end #" "Lester, this is ludicrous!" "I almost died... again!" "Oh, it was an accident!" "Any fool could see that." "We've had too many costly delays already." "You're paranoid, Nigel!" "That thing could've almost landed on any one of us." "But it didn't, Lester." "It landed on me!" "You daft punk!" "Have you guys gone completely insane?" "No." "What was that?" "Us advancing to the next round." "You got half the words wrong!" "Jules, those A-ha guys are Norwegian." "They didn't even know what they were singing." "What are you planning on singing for round two?" "Yankee Rose, David Lee Roth." "What?" "Too obvious?" "No..." "Gus can sing the guitar part." "Guys, if you're gonna stay in this competition, you're gonna need to step it up... way up." "Now, I have to go." "I can't be seen talking to you." "And not just because you're undercover." "Well, Nigel's essentially a monster." "He's an equal-opportunity bastard." "The list of suspects can be narrowed down to everybody." "Even I kind of want to kill him." "So where does that leave us?" "Well, there have been at least nine incidents that can be counted as attempts on his life... in nine different cities." "We have to assume it's someone who's here every week." "Great." "No, not great." "That only narrows it down to crew, security, and fans." "Most of which are pretty die-hard." "We're gonna have to talk to everybody, which is gonna be difficult, because I think" "I'm developing a polyp." "# Eee-e # # Ah-a-ah #" "I'm Shawn Spence Starr." "This is my partner, Gus TT Showbizz." "The extra T is for extra talent." "We just advanced to the second round." "Congratulations!" "Bevin." "Bevin Rennie Llywellen." "I'm next, I think." "I think you got us beat with that name already." "Where's your partner?" "I got rid of him." "I sing both parts." "The show's called American Duos." "It's my hook." "Everyone needs a thing, right?" "I learned that last year." "Good luck, dudes." "He did it." "Him?" "You talk to one dude and you're done?" "His name is Bevin Rennie Llywellen." "We made it!" "Hey, you fellow winners!" "Chance Cade." "This here's my brother Rance." "We just made it to the next round too." "Rance... nice." "Nigel just called us a curious cocktail of inbreeding and type 2 diabetes." "But then he passed us through anyway." "That's hitting below the belt." "Yeah, well..." "Australian people are mean." "Let's go." "I was wrong, they did it." "Shawn." "The stalker could've accessed the fallen light from up here." "He sure could've." "You supposed to be up here?" "Define "supposed to be. "" "How do you expect me to carry you two howler monkeys through tomorrow?" "Well, I might've been a little pitchy." "I had a dairy-heavy Jamba Juice." "Stop the excuses." "Step it up!" "I cannot carry you through another round." "I think I preferred the stalker." "Don't." "Don't what?" "Uh... smoke." "Those things'll kill you." "Well, add them to the list." "Stop!" "I do not have physical contact with people with arm hair!" "That case..." "Was a gift from Les McKeown of the Bay City Rollers." "It's a very expensive bla..." "How many do we got, officer?" "A lot... you're sure that you wanted everybody who was in the building?" "Well, that's what I said, isn't it?" "Everybody inside, everybody outside." "It's attempted murder." "I'm not screwing around here." "Okay, but..." "Just stop talking and open the door, please." "Really, McNab, you might want to open your ears for once." "You could learn..." "Go get me some coffee." "Great." "What are you two doing down at that competion?" "We're looking for our big break." "Do I get a phone call?" "No, I am trying to conduct an investigation." "Out!" "Don't you want to ask us if we did it?" "Ask him." "I plead the Fifth." "What's happening, undercover partner?" "No public discussion of your undercover business." "We need a choreographer." "You need a choreographer." "You both have many needs, so..." "So I'm getting a very strong vibration that you can dance." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "Well, I did go to cheerleader camp." "For two weeks." "I got kicked out." "Kicked out?" "Yeah, it's a long story." "Suffice to say I don't like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap 'em a little bit on the back of the head." "Jules, listen..." "I can feel in my heart that you can get into the groove." "Now, we need to step it up, literally." "And we need to stomp the yard... figuratively." "We've advanced to round two." "This is an elite class of performer." "Shawn, 97 teams have advanced to round two." "We're out of time." "You're all we've got." "Everything's riding on this!" "Step up to the plate!" "Guys." "Sit." "Okay, look... the only time I have ever danced publicly was in a high school performance of Everybody Hip-Hop!" "which closed after two performances." "Jules, all we do is argue." "Gus is very stubborn." "We need a guiding force." "A Svengali, if you will." "Shawn, I'm a detective, not a Svengali." "Jules..." "Shawn, I think I would know if I were a Svengali." "Fine." "Whatever." "I guess my heart vibes are jammed." "Never mind." "Wait." "So what exactly do you do on the show," "Zappito?" "Zapato." "It's immaterial." "I'm a judge." "What kind of judge?" "A talent judge... on camera." "Sit on the far left." "Really?" "Have you seen the show?" "Yeah, a hundred times." "I'm sure I would've remembered you." "I can't believe this." "I was the first person hired for the show." "My first record went gold." "# Mira me #" "Well, you are spinning yourself into circles, whoever you are." "Maybe you should go outside and rethink your story." "What story?" "Exactly." "Get him out of here." "Keep an eye on that one." "Who's next?" "Yeah, great, the Bride of Frankenstein." "Have a seat." "What am I doing here?" "Well, let's see." "Your trailer's right next to Nigel's." "You hate him." "And you can't seem to account for your whereabouts for most of the last 60 days." "Everybody hates Nigel." "And Everybody Loves Raymond." "But everybody doesn't have a vacant sense of morality and an assault with a deadly weapon charge on their record." "That was a publicity stunt." "The "weapon" was a forklift and I was drunk on a spray bottle of Charlie." "Well, I'm gonna need some answers, and fast." "Otherwise you and I are gonna turn on the hot lights, do the "Lindsay Hop" and see who cracks first." "Now you're trying to seduce me." "I never thought I would make this sound in my lifetime, but... ew." "You left me alone half the day." "You were at a police station." "You'll never make it as bodyguards." "We're not bodyguards." "You'll never make it as anything." "Oh, thank God!" "I'm starving." "What do you got there?" "My standing order." "Wait!" "Give it back!" "No." "Give it back!" "No." "What is it with you and throwing things?" "Don't eat that!" "Why the devil not?" "'Cause I'm getting a very strong feeling about this sandwich." "It's..." "Delicious?" "No." "Herb-crusted?" "No!" "It's not from the hotel kitchen." "And?" "And... it's poisoned." "Well, it stings, but it looks like Spencer was right." "According to the toxicology reports, there's enough drugs to kill a Clydesdale in that tuna Nicoise salad sandwich." "You see, your hotel detail couldn't even manage one room." "Well, pardon me, but I'm not the one out ordering room service with a big target painted on my back." "It was a standing order!" "We're almost through with the screen of your room, Mr. St. Nigel." "You can return when we clear it." "Fantastic, because to be honest," "Gus and I have slightly more pressing issues at the moment." "We need to rehearse." "How did you know that sandwich didn't come from the kitchen?" "Easy, there were only 83 sesame seeds on his bun." "All the other ones from the hotel have 87." "Are you serious?" "No." "The other ones have swords." "Nigel's had a tooth pick." "I'm not Rain Man, Gus." "You sing like Rain Man." "Spencer!" "You missed something... we found prints." "Was he in a little red corvette?" "Under the cherry moon?" "Fingerprints!" "They belong to Emilina Saffron." "So do the drugs we found in the food." "Cross-referenced them with her prescriptions and her medical records." "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get a warrant." "Emilina?" "Where am I?" "Hello?" "Hey, I need my bag!" "Mr. Bean." "Thank God it's you." "I really need my bag, please." "And I need a confession." "I have a kid in Milwaukee." "The father's Samoan." "Can I now please have my bag, Tony Randall?" "I was thinking something more along the lines of..." ""I tried to kill Nigel St. Nigel" ""by poisoning his tuna Nicoise salad sandwich" ""with a dangerous cocktail of prescription medications" "I happen to carry with me at all times. "" "Unquote." "I have no idea what you just said." "You're an even worse liar than my ex-wife." "Ex-wife?" "Well, I mean, we're separated." "So what you're trying to tell me is that you got a little hole in your heart?" "Come on." "Fill it with Saffron." "Okay... you know, I'm gonna go get a bite." "And, uh, you think long and hard about what you did." "And I'll come back, say, sometime tomorrow afternoon." "I need my bag!" "Oh, I know." "Don't worry." "I'll take good care of it." "No, I need my bag now!" "I don't know, Detective." "Oh, come on." "Please don't tell me you're buying this dog and pony show." "It's an act." "It's the perfect cover-up." "Well, it's pretty convincing." "Oh, she's good." "But I'm better." "I'm gonna crack her like a bad back." "Please don't." "Mr. Bean, I need my bag." "# Shout, shout #" "# Let it all out # # These are the things #" "# I can do without # # Come on #" "# I'm talking to you # # Come on #" "# Shout, shout #" "Damn, girl!" "It's okay, Jules." "You can be straight with us." "We can handle it." "Really?" "'Cause that was awful." "Awful?" "Can I teach you how to krump?" "Maybe." "That's up to you." "But I can't reach inside of you and make you want this." "I mean, absolutely need this." "The way that both Hall and Oates used to need it." "Well, Oates a little bit more, probably." "This has to come from inside here." "And deep, deep, deep... inside here." "Jules." "You do realize that there is a suspect in custody and the case is just about closed." "Is that what this laissez-faire, half-baked effort is about, huh... the case?" "I thought you were in it to win it!" "Jules, are you feeling okay?" "Sharp as cheddar." "You know, I wouldn't put all my eggs in Emilina's basket, Shawn." "She's barely lucid enough to form word endings, much less plan a series of attacks on Nigel's life." "She could be like Keyser Soze." "With one shoe." "I think... until we get a confession, we gotta keep our eyes on the prize." "Now let's take it back to the broken melting robot, huh?" "Gus... watch me!" "5, 6, 7, 8..." "# She'll be coming... #" "Instant noodles, Danish, Diet Coke." "Took you long enough." "I assumed that you were dead." "You see what I'm reduced to?" "I can't even eat real food." "I'll take the noodles if you don't want them." "# She'll be coming around # # The mountain... #" "# Coming 'round the mountain # # Around the mountain #" "# When she comes # # She'll be drivin'... #" "Oh, bugger off, you silly giraffe." "Is something burning in here?" "What is that?" "You all right?" "Peachy." "Now let me go." "Are we there yet?" "I feel like I've been incarcerated in a blueberry." "Shawn." "This car makes me want to weep and then die." "Shawn!" "Nigel?" "You asked for a safe house where absolutely no one can find you." "That means we have to venture off the beaten path just a little." "Relax." "Good Lord!" "Who lives here?" "The Boringtons?" "There's a better-than-decent chance this goes poorly." "I don't care." "I'm starving." "Wait!" "Hey, I remember something!" "Hurry up, I'm lucid." "I'm not kidding." "Come in here right now and bring my bag." "Hello?" "Come on!" "Come on, Count Chocula!" "I know you're in there!" "Don't make me pee on something." "Again!" "Well, it took you long enough, I'm dying in here." "Yeah, it's called with drawal." "Are you ready to confess?" "No, see, that's the thing." "First of all, I remember somebody getting into my purse yesterday." "When?" "I don't remember, but I was sleeping, and they were diggin' around in my purse right in front of me." "Well, who was it?" "I can't be sure." "I thought I was dreaming." "But it might've been a werewolf." "Might've been?" "Yes, and another thing..." "I wasn't even at the hotel this morning!" "I slept on a car in the parking lot." "That makes me innocent." "You slept on a car?" "Well, yeah." "It... it's a long story." "I usually sleep in the lifeguard station, but I didn't want to make a scene, so..." "Your fingerprints are all over Nigel's room." "We hook up sometimes." "I went to his room yesterday to see if he was lonely." "It was a moment of weakness." "A girl's got needs." "All right, gentlemen." "Prepare to taste the most succulent, evenly-marinated beef that you have ev..." "Is that my robe?" "It is indeed, Horace." "And it is comforting me at an elite spa level." "I think I should also point out that I'm absolutely famished and thoses filets actually smell promising." "Sweet." "That's what I'm talking about." "It's Henry." "They're rib eyes." "Is there a problem?" "Well, look at it." "It's still got the marks where the jockey was hitting it." "You're free." "Parking lot attendants confirmed your alibi." "So I can go?" "The sooner the better." "And for God's sakes, take a shower." "I'll never forget you." "What was your name again?" "Nose hair trimmer." "Invest." "Can you even remember what it felt like to be able to move the muscles in your face?" "Who decorated this place?" "Kris Kristofferson?" "Is that... damn!" "I built that table." "Really?" "I'm pretty sure if I were to build a table," "I would start by using wood that had never drifted." "All right, you know..." "That's it." "Already?" "I'm just getting started." "I've got a sonnet for each piece of fish paraphernalia." "Oh, yeah?" "Well I got an ice-cold can of whip-ass just sitting in that fridge!" "Actually, that's diet whip-ass." "Yeah!" "You must be out of your damn mind!" "Dude, you have three full cobs!" "I will slap you, Shawn." "Now, tell me... are you absolutely certain that this cow shoulder on my plate is in fact dead?" "I'm just asking." "That's it, take off the robe!" "Wearing that robe is a privilege and you, pal, have just lost it!" "I stead fastly refuse." "This is the plushiest, most opulent robe" "I've ever had the pleasure of wearing." "Well, there's one thing we could agree on." "Now give it up." "No." "I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy." "You either take it off, or I'll take it off for you." "Dad, I don't think you're thinking this through." "Shawn!" "Dad, I'm pretty sure he's going commando under..." "Keep playin', Shawn." "Go ahead." "What kind of sick bastard goes commando underneath another man's robe?" "All right, all right." "All right!" "Come with me." "Come with me!" "Come on!" "Dad, just walk it off." "He's not staying here." "He violated basic robe code." "Robe code violation... check." "Look, Shawn, there's a reason this guy's on the run." "He's been here ten minutes, even I want to kill him!" "That's the problem, Dad." "How do I protect him from everybody?" "You've already got a suspect in jail." "She was just released." "Now we have a plethora of suspects and no way to narrow them down." " It's easy, tighten your focus." "Who does he victimize the most?" "Is that peach cobbler in the fridge for everybody?" "I'm sorry." "Not today." "I don't think so." "I showed him!" "It'll all go away." "You think it's funny?" "Nigel!" "Naughty!" "I hope you have some food in there." "Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster, I'm afraid I have some unfortunate news." "Emilina Saffron was found in the bathroom of her hotel suite this morning." "She was clinging to life and has been rushed to St. Thomas of the Apostles." "And so far all signs point to an overdose of some sort." "But we are fully investigating the matter." "Overdose?" "She injected herself with enough tranquilizers to kill an adult rhinoceros." "But how did she escape?" "Mr. St. Nigel, Ms. Saffron was released this morning after her alibi checked out." "She is the last person that you should be worried about now." "We have to cancel the show." "Are you kidding?" "Look, I don't want to seem insensitive, but this is the third time this season she's been in the ICU." "Not like this." "I will not go on." "I'll be a sitting duck out there." "I will personally oversee your security detail, Mr. St. Nigel." "We'll all be out there together." "You'll be just fine." "Suck it up." "Now I gotta bolt." "I'm way late for my Pilates." "Lester Beacon sure didn't seem too broken up about Emilina." "He sure didn't." "Plus, his hair." "Shawn, we're in a hallway... staying close to the wall doesn't make us invisible." "Agree to disagree." "You have a plan yet?" "Gus, I'm a lyrical gangster." "I'll use some colorful vernacular and if necessary, you'll engage in fisticuffs." "That was close." "Too close." "No guard." "We did all that sneaking around because you thought they put a guard at Emilina's empty hotel room?" "Seemed like a decent theory at the time." "You better have the key." "What are we looking for?" "Beats me." "Damn." "Seems clean." "That's what you get for drinking whole milk, Shawn." "Dude, I have bones like granite." "And we just got ourselves a clue." "What is it?" "I don't know." "Reach in there and fish it out." "I'm not putting my hand in there." "You do it." "Gus, I found it." "You get it." "That's how it works." "I'm not putting my hand in Emilina Saffron's toilet water, Shawn." "Jules!" "I'm getting some really serious vibrations here." "They're coming from Emilina's hotel room." "You gotta get us in there as soon as possible." "Oh, and, uh..." "Bring gloves." "Oh, my God!" "It's just as I imagined." "Oh, I am feeling something in here." "Right here?" "Did you bring the gloves?" "Yeah, I brought the gloves." "Why do I need gloves?" "I feel... a sparkle." "That!" "Wow, Shawn, that's amazing." "How did you know that?" "I feel things... deeply." "Yeah." "I need to speak with Emilina right away." "She's mostly comatose, Shawn." "We probably won't know the difference." "All right." "Dude!" "That crystal was on the..." " I know!" "Go back to the office, see if you can get some info on him." "Right." "Knock, knock!" "You have a visitor." "What is Spencer doing here?" "Look, I insisted." "Emilina's my favorite judge." "I used to have such a crush on her in high school." "You know, before she started eating glue and what not." "Has she said anything?" "No." "Not yet." "But I will be right here when she does." "I can tell you that." "That's... very gentle." "I mis judged her." "She was innocent." "Crying out for help in her own sad, potentially disease-ridden way." "I cut her off at the arms." "Judged the book by its filthy, loathsome... wickedly erotic cover." "Look at me!" "I'm here, baby." "Look... at me!" "I think she's trying to tell us something." "That someone's looking at her?" "I was looking at her." "I should take this." "Get ready to be happy, Shawn." "Did you find him?" "I didn't just find him." "I found him, found him, found him, and found him." "I knew this dude looked familiar." "He's been at every stage of the competion, in every city, doing his best William Hung at every stop." "Okay, let's try that again, and leave out the reference you know means nothing to me." "He's singing badly on purpose, Shawn, knowing full well he wouldn't advance." "That way he could re-enter the competition in every city at every stop." "That's nefarious." "But he couldn't have done this on his own." "Now we just have to figure out who's helping him from the inside." "Emilina just said, "Look at me" from her hospital bed." "How does that help us?" "Dude..." "Look at me!" "Wait!" "Ten-year-old Bevin Rennie Llywellen?" "What the..." "Oh, my God!" "What?" "What?" "We have a match?" "# There's a yellow rose of Texas #" "# That I'm going to see #" "# No other soldier knows her #" "# No soldier, only me # # She cried so when I left her #" "Please, accept our apologies." "We just thought you all might want to know that you're in the presence of a homicidal sociopath." "No, no, no!" "He's not crazy." "No, we got a doctor's note and everything." "Nigel!" "Just, um... dropped some... items." "Chief, so glad you're here." "I know who's been trying to kill Nigel." "And who was trying to take out Emilina." "And who tried to take out Emilina." "Mr. Spencer, last time I checked," "Emilina overdosed on her own prescription medication." "That's precisely what Bevin Rennie Llywellen wanted you to think." "That's really his name?" "That's the wanker who auditioned in every city." "Just another slice of deception." "The truth is, he can sing like a bird." "But if you heard that, he wouldn't have to reaudition in every city on the tour." "Every city that you almost died in, Nigel." "And after Emilina was released, he tried to silence her for good before she could put it all together." "Put what together?" "And who might this be, Detectives?" "Meet Bevin Rennie Llywellen." "Ms. Saffron woke up out of her coma, rabbit-punched me in the sternum, and remembered this guy as one of her assailants." "This crystal puts him at the scene of the crime." "So he made an attempt on Emilina's life." "Allegedly poisoned a tuna salad sandwich." "Uh, tuna Nicoise salad sandwich, Chief." "There's a difference." "But what about all the other near misses with Nigel?" "But it can't be him." "It's impossible." "He was just a contestant." "Sounds like he had somebody on the inside." "He had somebody on the inside." "Didn't he?" "Zzzapato!" "Don't be ridiculous." "Zapato adores me." "Plus he can't even think." "Oh, it has to be someone else." "Um, how about Lester?" "Oh, I'd love to see him in prison." "Bevin is Zapato's biggest fan." "They actually became pretty good friends." "And I don't think this show turned out to be quite the comeback either of them were hoping for." "I could go on." "But why don't you take the floor?" "Zzzapato." "Well, what could he say?" "He can't even speak." "Yes, I can!" "But you don't let me." "I was the first to sign on." "This was supposed to be my show!" "My shot, my comeback!" "You turned me into a simp." "I freakin' hate you!" "People don't even know who I am." "I get fan letters addressed to Geraldo," "Ricky Martin, and that guy from El Pollo Loco commercial!" "You ruined everything!" "Why won't you die?" "Really?" "That was your plan?" "That has to be the poorest-executed attack in history." "I was two feet away from you all the time." "I mean, you have to be absolutely, without doubt, the worst murder I have ever seen." "Did you..." "# Mira me #" "Are you ready, Santa Barbara, for the next two contestants on American Duos?" "# Shout, shout # # Let it all out #" "# These are the things # # I can do without #" "# Come on # # He's talking to you #" "# Come on #" "# Shout, shout # # Let it all out #" "# These are the things # # He can do without #" "# Come on # # Dig it, dig it, come on #" "# He's talking to you # # Come on #" "# Dig it, dig it, come on #" "All right, give it up for Shawn Spence Starr and Gus TT Showbizz!" "Great job, gentlemen." "Now let's see what our judge thought." "Come on over." "Sit." "What, are you kidding me?" "You look like a couple of rodeo clowns up there." "Nothing was in synch." "Your hairstyles are ridiculous." "You butchered a terrific song, and it's time you went home." "Please, spare us additional torture and just... euthanize yourselves."