"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Oh, foolish, foolish, viewer." "Have you in your folly followed me to this fowl fortress of fear and affliction?" "Turn back." "Turn back before..." "But, no, it is too late." "For even now, strange and blood curdling cries rent the air." "Come on, come on." "It's all right." "Nanny's coming." "No, Nanny, it's all right." "I didn't mean..." "Whatever is it, my little Duckypoos?" "It's my wall, Nanny, again." "Why couldn't you come through the door?" "Oh, those stupid things." "They always gets in the way when you're in a hurry." "I come to save you." "I heard your cry for help." "I wasn't crying for help." "I was watching auto racing on television." "And look what you've done to the set." "Auto racing." "Ha." "Yes, Igor, auto racing." "Ha." "I wish your lordship would watch something more educational... like "Blood Grouping for Ghouls"... or even "The Slavering Monster from the Vampire's Blood Bath..." "Meets the Limb Tearing Werewolf."" "Yuck." "Well, you don't have to worry, Igor... because I won't be watching anything until we get a new television set." "So, just call the shop in the village and tell them to send one up." "I fear, milord, that that will not be possible." "Hmm?" "Not possible?" "You still haven't paid for that one." "Look, Igor, are you trying to tell me that we haven't paid the bills?" "Exactly, sir." "And we haven't paid the butler or the nanny, either, milord." "Igor, you're not trying to tell me that I do not have any money?" "Alas, milord, that is the awful truth." "This is awful." "But the truth." "Oh, and I'm missing the auto racing, and I do want..." "Hey." "Hey, wait a minute." "Ooh, dear." "Not a good idea, sir?" "Yes, Igor, a good idea." "The world land speed record comes to Transylvania." "I see." "And when was that, sir?" "Huh?" "No, no, Igor." "I mean I'm going to make it come to Transylvania." "I mean I am going to build an automobile... and I'm going to drive it... and I am going to bring the world land speed record... right here to Transylvania." "I see, sir." "Why?" "W-Why?" "Because I'll be famous, that's why." "Because people will come here in their thousands... to see me break the record." "Because when they do, they won't have anywhere to stay but here... and because by the time they've finished paying me for bed and breakfast..." "I'll be rich, rich, rich." "There is just one thing, milord." "Yes, Igor?" "What is it?" "We don't actually have an automobile." "Igor, get me the Transylvanian Times." "We already have a copy, milord." "On the phone, Igor, on the phone." "The world must hear of this bold, courageous... thrilling, ingenious... moneymaking venture right now." "Um, but I didn't know you got the Transylvanian Times, Ruffles." "I get it for the crossword." "Now shut up and listen." "Yes, guv." "Sorry, guv." ""From our special correspondent." ""An attempt is to be made..." ""to bring the blue ribbon of the automotive world... to Transylvania."" "Cor." "Ho ho." "Yeah." "Are they anything like Bruce Springsteen?" "Are they..." "Who?" "Is who anything like Bruce Springsteen?" "Well, this blue rib-band." "You brainless lump." " Yeah." " Blue ribbon!" "It's like the victor's laurels, like... the gold medal." "Yeah." "I like Victor Laurel." " You what?" " I like Victor Laurel." "I like him better than..." "What's his name?" "Hardy." "Oh, sprite me up the old apples and pears." "Why did I have to get mixed up with you lot?" "Why couldn't I just have got run over by a bus?" " Aah!" " Shut up and listen." "Uh, yes, guv." "Sorry, guv." ""To bring the blue ribbon of the automotive world to Transylvania." "Count Duckula..."" " Ah." " Ah." ""Count Duckula announced today that he is constructing..." ""the world's most powerful v-vehicle..." ""in which he will attempt to beat..." ""the land world speed record early next month." "Already thousands of tourists..."" ""are flocking to view the attempt... and the accommodation is at a premium."" " Right, Bert." " Um, yeah?" "Nip home and forge us a set of airline tickets for Transylvania." "Right, guv." "The rest of you get packed." "We're going on a little holiday... a working holiday." "What we laughing for?" "Uh, are you sure this will be all right at seven hundred miles an hour?" "It is wind tunnel tested, milord." "Is that when you stood it in the corridor... and fanned it with your hat?" " Silence, Nanny." " Only bits fell off it then." "Bits fell off it?" "Part of the fine tuning for ultimate performance, milord." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh, well." "I suppose there's only one way to see if it works... and... and... and... and that's to give it a test ride." "OK, start the engine." "Engine?" "I assume it has got an engine." "Uh, Mark One, milord, is hen powered." "Oh." "Oh, dear." "Oh, well, right-o." "Go ahead and... and try it." "Oh, just... just one thing before you do." " Where's the steering wheel?" " Unh!" "Drat." "There are so many little things to remember." "Right." "Just let me do a checkpit cock." "Are you sure that's what you mean, milord?" "Yes, of course it's..." "No, no." "No, of course it's not what I mean." "L..." "I mean let me do..." "let me do a chockpit chick." "A pitstop chuck." "A pa pot chick chock." " Ahem." "I tell you what, Igor." " Milord?" "I'll just make sure everything's OK, OK?" "Steering wheel." "Every luxury." "Handbrake on." "Seat belts fastened." "Ooh, yes." "We don't want to lose the seats." "Yes, thank you, Nanny." "OK, I'm ready to go." " Go, milord?" " Right you are, Mr. Igor." "Now, then, just as soon as I have released the hand brake..." "Ooh, Nanny, Nanny." "So, where's all the tourists, eh, landlord?" "Oh, bless your red corpuscles." "They all gone home, sir." "Gone home?" "Oh, they was here in their thous... in their hun..." "There was seven of them... but they said they couldn't hang about forever, sir." "Are you trying to tell me that there ain't no tourists?" "Oh, well, they came to see the Flying Duckmobile... break the record, didn't they?" "Well, yeah." "And he ain't never got it going, has he?" " Is that right?" " Ar, right it is." "Well, no, right is what it isn't... and when they couldn't see no Flying Duckmobile... they buzzed off, didn't they?" "They only been gone a couple of days though." "So, if we'd blooming well flown to Transylvania via Italy... instead of flaming Vladivostok on your blooming forged tickets... we'd have been in time to rip 'em off, you twillip!" "Yeah, well, I can't spell Rome." "You... you're about as good as that idiot Duckula with his blooming..." "Here..." "Here, hang about." "We've been hanging all day." "Shut up!" "Hmm." "What the Count needs is a bit of professional help." "What he needs is a top-class racing engineer and spare parts supplier." "Well, I still believe, sir, that what we need... is a top-class racing engineer and spare parts supplier." "I'm quite capable of getting this thing into the record books." "If you can ever get it out of the courtyard." "Yes, if I can ever get..." "Igor, that's enough." " Oh, yes, milord." " Ahem." "Now, my latest modification is foolproof." "Ha ha ha." "Once that giant three-ton flywheel is spinning... it will give me enough power to go right through the sound barrier." "All we need is a primeval, monstrous... irresistible source of energy, so..." " Nanny!" " Nanny!" "Coming, Master Duckula!" "OK, Nanny, time to go." "Come back, Nanny, come back." "I just want you to turn that handle as fast as you can, right?" "Oh, yes, Master Duckula." "Right." "Now, listen... then when it's doing fourteen thousand revs a minute..." "I am going to let in the clutch." "Don't say it, Nanny, don't say it." "And this machine will be through that sound barrier... before you can say Jack Robinson." "Or in your case, Nanny, before you can say Jack." "Righty-o, Duckypoos." "I keeps it tucked inside me sock." "What are you talking about?" "I thought you wanted the jack." "No, Nanny, you see, what I meant..." "All I was..." "Forget it, forget it, forget it." "Just wind the handle." "Ooh, very good, Master Duckula." "Right!" "Fourteen thousand revolutions!" "This is it!" "Fame and fortune, here I come!" "You know, Igor, what I think we need... is a top-class racing engineer and a spare parts supplier." "Good afternoon, your Duckness." "My name is Alfonso Ruffles... a top-class racing engineer and spare parts supplier to the nobility." "Hmm." "An engine, an engine!" "Wowie-wow!" "This is a real breakthrough, Mr. Ruffles." "Oh, call me Alf, your countship." "Oh well that's very nice of you, Alf, your countship." "And you can call me milord." "Uh, yeah." "Uh, where... where did you get it?" "Ah." "L..." "I'd rather not reveal my sources, your Duckship." "Suffice it to say that you will not find an engine like this... at Indianapolis or on the great racing circuits of Europe." "Good as that, Alf, eh?" "Good, milord, isn't the word for it." "OK, well, let's get it going." "Let's see what it can do." "Ahem." "Well, there is the little matter of payment, your countliness." "My what?" "Oh, sorry." "Matter of what?" "Payment." "I'd be happier if I could have the money before you find out..." "Uh, before you try out the engine." "Ah, ha ha!" "No use." "His lordship can't hear when he has his helmet on." "I wants the money for the engine!" "And I can't hear when people talk about money." "Here we go!" "Here we go!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "All right, my little Duckypoos!" "Nanny will save you!" "Of course I won't hit you... not if you tell me where you got that blooming engine." "Oh, yeah, all right." "I pinched it out of a cement mixer." "A cement..." "You stupid great nana!" "Oh!" "Ouch!" "Ooh!" "Good job, Nanny." "Where did you get all that elastic?" " Um..." " Never mind, Nanny, never mind." "Yes, Igor, you'd have to be a complete idiot... not to see how this works." "Excuse me, Duckypoos..." "Yes, Nanny?" "You want to know how this works?" "It's really very simple." "This powerful elastic band has been stretched to its limit." "It's not the only one." "Exactly, Igor." "And located in a hook at the front of the car... it is held in place by two strong ropes... which are attached to a cross bar." "The cross bar is held by a clamp." "When the red handle is pulled back, the bar is released... and the elastic propels the car forward at 750 miles an hour... thus bringing the world land speed record to Transylvania... and fame and fortune to me." "Is that quite clear?" "Quite clear, milord." " Nanny?" " Yes?" " Any questions?" " Yes." "How does this work?" "OK, Nanny, OK." "Just one more time." "Now, you use a powerful elastic band, so you hold it in front of the car." "Pull red handle, cross bar release, record, rich and famous, hooray, got it?" "Pull the red handle?" "Hmm?" "Yes, Nanny, yes." "Pull the red 'andle... handle." "No!" "No, Nanny!" "No, Nanny!" "Don't pull the red..." "Oh, no, Nanny!" "You half-witted peanut brain, concrete skull, witless washout!" "Look what you've done!" "Do you understand what you have done?" "Oh, yes." "Now I sees how it works." "You've ruined my chances forever." "I'll never see my lovely car again." "Oh, I don't know, sir." "What do you mean, you don't know?" "It seems, milord, to have gone into reverse." "Don't be ridic..." "Reverse?" "Oh, no!" "Aah!" "Ooh, he'll do himself no good rushing about like that." "Now where's he gone off to, I'd like to know." "Oh, don't worry, Nanny." "He'll be back." "Well, Nanny, I suggest we go and have a spot of afternoon tea... while we wait for equilibrium to set in." "Yes, I had a bit of that equilibrium... but it's been a lot better since I rubbed it with camphorated oil." "Yes, that's what I said... nick 'em." "Uh, what?" " Like, now?" " Now!" "And when you've done that, bring 'em back to the base." " And you..." " Yes, guv?" "You pinch all the cans of paint you can lay your hands on, and a brush." " Lots of brushes." " Yes, guv." "Now, get on with it." "But I promise you, my friend... that mein invention will propel you through the sound barrier... und into the record books without no trouble... so help me if it don't." "Now, listen, I've had enough of high speed travel... and I'm sick of people calling me Count Boomerang." "I promise you, my old cocker spaniel... that with my invention no blooming harm can come to you." "Not half." "Und you will be famous forever for only 200,000 drachmas." " Uh, the Count hasn't got it..." " Yes, thank you, Igor." "If you will come this way, we will prepare for the ripoff..." "Uh, take off, start." "Ooh, high performance." "Ooh, ooh!" "Wow-wow!" "All you have to do, mate..." "Uh, mein herr, is to keep your eye on the speedometer." "You won't feel a thing." "Wow!" "This is great, Dr Einstein." "OK, ready when you are." "First, put on the earphones, so to you I can talk." "I beg your pardon?" "First, put on the earphones, so to you I can talk." "Ah, yes." "Now I've got the earphones on..." "I can hear that you can talk." "Are you receiving me?" "Over." "Loud and clear, professor." "OK, then let her go." "Whee!" "Wow, look at that!" "Two hundred miles an hour, and I can't feel a thing!" "Faster, Count, faster!" "OK, 250, 300, 350." "Whee hee hee!" "You're doing fine!" "Keep going!" "Don't forget the 200,000 drachmas!" "Five hundred miles an hour!" "Five hundred and fifty!" "Six hundred!" "Wow!" "At this rate, I'll be going through the sound barrier any minute." " Blimey, nearly forgot the barrier." " What did you say, Dr. Einstein?" "Blimey, I nearly forgot the sound barrier." "675 miles an hour, and it's really smooth in here." "Seven hundred!" "Seven hundred and twenty-five!" "Any second now, and I'll be through the sound barrier." "Here, what's happening?" "Something's going wrong." "Seven hundred and thirty!" "Seven hundred and thirty-five!" "Seven hundred and forty!" "Ha ha ha!" "Seven hundred and forty-five!" "Nearly there!" "This is fantastic!" "Seven hundred and fifty miles an hour, and..." "I did it!" "I broke the sound barrier!" "The world record is mine!" " I am..." "I..." " Help!" "What?" "What the..." "I don't believe it." "I just don't believe it." "Good evening, milord." "It looks like being a delightfully sinister and foggy night... with never a clove of garlic in sight." "Would you like me to bring you a glass of RH negative?" "No, Igor, I would not." "Anything in the Transylvanian Times?" "Mmm, just one interesting story, milord." "Mmm?" "What's that?" "It seems that two gentlemen, flying hand-operated fairground carousels... have established a new world record for man-powered flight." "Oh, well, I have only one thing to say to that." "And what is that, milord?" "Ah, ha ha ha!" "And so once more, the poor simple peasant folk... huddle round their poor simple television sets... and tremble with fear at the horror that is to come." "Next week perchance." "Ho ho!" "So, for now, good night out there... whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"