"_" "_" "♪ The first kill's by candy cane ♪" "Ho, ho, ho." " Get the" " It's true!" "You can sing." "We need to stick together." "Whoa!" "Ho, ho, ho." "Santa!" "_" "SAM's onboard camera is operational." "Wonderful." "I want to document every second of this glorious NTSF Christmas!" "And I'm gonna tape everything for my holiday vlog, too!" "Oh, great!" "Between Jessie, SAM, and my hidden home-security cams, I can fully cover my NTSF Christmas video from every conceivable angle." "Why do you have so many hidden cameras everywhere?" "I like to make lovemaking videotapes, and I can never be quite sure when or where one might break out." "With all this extra footage, you could cut together a full-length feature film, if you wanted to." "An entire movie made of found footage?" "Sounds like a gimmick to me." "Well, now that that's been established, let's decorate the tree." "Jessie, I'm putting you in charge of the tinsel." "That seems like it's up your alley." "And, Piper, you're a woman, so you get the ornaments." "No, dolls." "No, no." "Dolls really freak me out." "I can't." "No." "What, this little doll, Piper?" "This little doll can't hurt you." "Or can it?" "Get the fuck away from me!" "Now, I know it's not quite Christmas yet, but I can't help myself." "Let's open up presents early." "Whoa, wait!" "It's bad luck to open up presents early on Christmas Eve." "That's absolute nonsense." "Where did you learn that?" "Back in Alaska, where Santa hunts down and punishes those that don't obey his rules." "Give your Alaskan voodoo mysticism a rest." "Did you know that Santa's suit starts off white?" "But it's stained with the blood of his victims." "His sleigh is put together with the bones of those that have defied him." "His reindeer are normal deer, but they breathe fire and spit acid!" "What's in his bag of toys?" "Just toys, but with pieces small enough to choke you." "You guys are ridiculous." "There's no such thing as Santa Claus, good or evil." "You're starting to make me very proud to be Jewish." "That's him!" "Ho, ho, hey, everybody." "Looks like someone's having a..." "Merry Christmas." "Not a pun, but the sentiment is appreciated nonetheless." "Presents go over there, and you know my Christmas rules-- phones and guns in the holiday sack." "Piper, where's your fiancé, Tucker?" "Oh, he hates Christmas parties, and he'd rather stay at home and play video games by himself." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Without further ado, one for you, one for you, one for you." "Great bow." "And, Sam, in sensitivity to your Jewish faith, you don't have to get one." "You can just stand there and watch everybody else having a good time." "Let's open 'em up, christians!" "A flip camera!" "Now I've got double the coverage for my vlog!" "Alphonse, plug in the Christmas angel, and, everybody else, videotape it." "Santa!" "You blew a fuse from all these gaudy Christmas lights." "Jessie, you're the least fun." "Go out back and check the fuse box." "Okay." "I'll leave my cameras here and my tinsel." "So, Sam, if you don't believe that Christmas was" "Jesus' birthday, when do you think he was born?" " Well..." " Is it on, guys?" "No." "Unh-unh." "How about now?" "No!" "Still no." "How about-- Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" "Come on, Jessie!" "Stop screaming, and just flip fuses!" "Took you long enough." "Where'd you go, the electricity store?" "Jessie?" "Candy cane..." "and blood... candy cane again." "Looks like tonight..." "has become... silent night... and a deadly night." "No other reason for it, right?" "It's happening, just as the song foretells." "What song?" "An old eskimo song, "The 12 Kills of Christmas."" "♪ The first kill's by candy cane ♪" "♪ the second kill's beheading ♪" "Why are you using that voice?" "Because "The 12 Kills of Christmas" is sung by a choir of weeping orphans." "So, he kills every day for 12 days?" "No, Santa kills 12 people each time someone opens a present early." "Well, that's great." "I mean, there's only six of us." "No, he can kill six of us." "He just can't kill more than 12." "What if there are more than 12?" "I'm confused." "That doesn't make any sense." "Well, then, he stops." "Basically, the cutoff is 12 people." "He can't kill more." "Christmas is so complicated." " Kove?" " Mm?" "I think right now would be a good time to get our cellphones and guns." "Good thinking, Trent." "Oh, my God!" "This sack is filled with coal!" "♪ Sacks with guns and cellphones will be turned into coal ♪" "Enough, Alphonse!" "It's true!" "You can sing." "We need to stick together." "Jessie was vulnerable because she left the group." "We have to watch each other's backs!" "Agreed." "Let's split up." "Alphonse, you stay here with your eyes closed, see if you can hear anything." "I'm not waiting here to die!" "I'm going to hide!" "Where?" "!" "♪ Santa doesn't looks in closets ♪" "Why don't we just get the hell out of here?" "!" "Have you gone mad?" "Santa butchered the first person to step out that door." "Our only chance is to fight him right here on our home turf." "Ho, ho, ho!" "Quickly, to the basement!" "Oh!" "What is it?" "No." "It's my prized bottle of 1978 Montrachet." "Whoever did this is going to pay dearly." "It's coming from upstairs!" "♪ The last kill of Christmas... ♪" "Okay, will someone just turn that thing off?" "That was the Harlem weeping orphan choir with that old chestnut, "The 12 Kills of"" "Now, listen, you two." "This is a truly terrifying situation that most probably will end in death for most, if not all, of us." "But we must not panic." "We need to stick together no matter what, and most important of all, don't give up!" "This is Christmas, and I'll be damned if I'll let some yuletide-hating, murderous Santa steal hope from our hearts!" "Oh, yes, we will weather this storm and live to see light of another day, I swear it." "God will bless us all." "Everyone except Sam." "I think I found Trent, you guys." " Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" " I can't take it anymore." "Kove, what are you doing?" "Enjoy getting murdered, losers." "How'd she tie that noose so fast?" "This crap would never happen during Hanukkah." "Damn it, Sam!" "Why couldn't you just believe in Christmas?" "!" "I do believe in Christmas!" "I just don't believe that Jesus was some magical creature that could turn fish into beer, or whatever you guys" "He turned fish into wine and bears into beer!" "Ho, ho, ho." "Oh, my God." "Let's get the hell out of here!" "Come on!" "I'm trying!" "It won't open!" "Upstairs!" "Ho, ho, ho." "You opened gifts." "No, you" " I didn't even get a gift, sir." "Back door!" "And he's standing out there." "He's going, "aiyee!" "Aiyee!"" " Oh, no." " Hey, Santa!" "Next time you give somebody head, you better finish the job." " Trent?" " That's right." "My head fell off, and I tied it back on with tinsel." "Whoa!" "Oh, bad mistake!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "All right, Sam." "To the garage!" "Okay!" "Sam, what are you doing?" "!" "Picking up the camera to film." "Wait." "Why don't we just go out into the woods or something?" "Stop asking so many logic-based questions, Sam!" "Oh, my God!" "Wait." "Why does Santa have a flip cam?" "A gift was opened before its time." "Now your blood will be mine." "Piper, what's happening?" "Piper?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God!" "What happened to her?" "The ironic thing is that she was really afraid of dolls, and now she is one." "Okay, there's got to be a way to reverse this process." "What are you doing?" "Please be careful with her." "Wait, wait, wait." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God." "Ho, ho, ho." "Really?" "How did you get here so fast?" "There's no way-- oh, my God." "What do you want from me?" "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel." "I made it out of brains." "Is that anti-semitic?" "It sounds like it could be, but I'm not quite sure." "Do you believe in me yet, Sam?" "I believe, okay?" "!" "I believe!" "Good." "Oh, God!" "Oh, my God!" "I-- di-di-di-di-di-di." "Mr. President of the Navy?" "What the hell is going on?" "You killed everyone!" " No, he didn't, Sam." " That was a trick." "We just wanted you to sell out your own beliefs and buy into ours." "And you did." "You did real good." "Welcome to club Christian." "You've earned this, Sam." "M-my first Christmas present." "Yes." "It's just another flip cam." "Piper, how did you turn into a doll?" "Yoga." "Lots of yoga." "I hope this has been a good lesson for you." "I hope you finally realize that Christmas is the best holiday and every other holiday is the worst." "So... from our family to yours, Merry Christmas." "_" "Age, sex, location." "Where is everybody from?"