"(Man) Uno, dos, tres, cuatro." "(# Jaunty tune)" "Ugh!" "(Bell dings)" "I love your idea but I can't make it." "Your idea stinks." "OK, er, Call My Bluff but nude." "Call My Buff." "If Sandi Toksvig gets an answer right, she chucks underwear at Alan Coren's bald pate." " Well..." " Or a cross between 15 To 1 and Ground Force." "15 To Force, where celebrity rugby teams try to break down a sticky door." ""Next week the Harlequins smash the west door of York Minster."" "Are you picking a fight with Jesus, mister?" "Or a cross between 15 To 1, Ground Force and Time Team." "15 To Time Force Ground Team 1." "Or a cross between 15 To 1, Changing Rooms, Collectors' Lot and Watercolour Challenge." "15 To Watercolour Lot Collectors' Changing Challenge 1." " Rooms." " What's that?" " It's a quiz." " My dick it's a quiz!" "It's a people show." "I love it." "I love them all." "I want you to write me ten more and I'll make the one that stars Alan Titchmarsh." "(Light applause)" "(Australian) Know why I play bowls?" "Cos it's pussy on a stick." "The girls like the danger, you see." "Anything can happen." "You can stub your toe, your shoelaces could come undone, and you can fall arse over tit like a collapsing deck of matches." "The girls like the precision." "They see the control." "After the game, they know they're in the sack with the Bondai Beach Bowls Adonis." "That's how it works." "That's why I'm here." "See these clothes?" "Light white acrylic slacks and a blazer." "Anything outside equals dag." "Anything inside equals fanny ---- magnet." "By the end of the second set, Sheila couldn't help herself." "Gave me a blow job right there on the green." "I just kept my mind on the bowls and cruised to victory." "I'm the kind of man who likes a good shower after a hard game of bowls." "I sweat like a m---------- and I like to wash down with a hose in the gents' loos." "Then it's home to sleep between leather sheets and naked female flesh." "We're all at it in the bowling community." "That's why we walk around like we're constipated." "Our knobs are sore from all the grinding." "Bowls is the new rock and roll." "Go figure." "(Shop bell dings)" "Have you got any rat poison?" " Yes, sir." " What sort?" "It's called Rat Killer." "It's a powder..." "What's it made of?" "What's it do?" "Why do they die?" " Well, erm..." " I mean, could it kill a pet?" "Quite a large pet." "A sort of almost person-sized pet?" " I beg your pardon?" " Safety." "I'm just thinking of safety." "What would it do to, say, a 50-year-old woman?" "I mean in a small dose..." "Would it dissolve her stomach and make her lungs bleed until she drowned?" "In large enough quantities." " Could it be detected in casserole?" " I don't know." "What would it do to the face?" "Would it be hideously contorted?" "What would it do to this face?" " Would it come out in pustules or a rash?" " It wouldn't affect the face." "Have you got anything that affects faces?" "Something that would make the skin melt painfully?" "What are you planning to use this for?" "What?" "I've just got pets at home." "Rats at home." "Haven't I?" "What would that rake do to the human head?" "Would it go through the skull or embed itself in it?" " With enough force." " Have you got any battering spades?" " Any what?" " Battering spades." "For battering a person." "Or curtain wire." "You know, something very thin but strong that you can grip with Marigolds." " Erm..." " Have you any hammers that smash bone?" " Over there in the tools department." " Spot on!" "(Clattering)" "Hello." "And welcome to this week's edition of Outdoor Wee." "Today I'm in the lovely village of Swaffham in Derbyshire where I'll be having an outdoor wee with former Home Secretary and Conservative MP" "Sir Anthony Noble." " Sir Anthony, hi." " Hello there." "Now, have you selected the spot, as it were?" "Well, I thought up against this rather magnificent old oak tree." "Smashing." "So, Sir Anthony." "Tell me." " Why are we weeing here?" " (Trickling)" "Well, Keith, I grew up in this rather lovely part of the Derbyshire countryside and spend as much time here as I can." " It certainly is lovely." " (Trickling continues)" " Oops." " Ooh, sorry." "That's all right." "Now, this tree holds special memories for you, doesn't it?" "Yes, it does." "When I was a young man," "I was climbing this tree when unfortunately I fell off that rather splendid bough there," " and broke my arm and both my legs." " Oh, dear." "Which rather scuppered my career in modern and jazz dancing so I decided to go into politics instead." "I see." "Right." "So you thought you'd come back here today" " and give the tree a bit of a watering?" " Piss on it, yes." " Thank you for your insight." " (Zipping)" " And thank you for joining me..." " (Zipping) ...for an outdoor wee." " Thank you." " Nice cock." "Thank you." " All right, love?" "Looking for a good time?" " Maybe." "If you're looking for a good time, Ruby's your girl." "What are we talking?" "You tell me." "You name what's nice, I name the price." "I name the price." "Sure you do." "That's what I meant, Carlo." "Don't say my name, bitch." " How much for everything?" " 50." " For everything?" " For anything." " Except kissing on the mouth." " Kissing?" "Stop it." "Don't worry." "I won't waste a girl's mouth on kissing." "(Laughing) And you..." "Oh!" "(Stammers) All dirty." " You do blow jobs?" " I ca..." "Ooooooooooh!" "I'm going." "(# Spoof James Bond theme)" "Now, pay attention." "Intelligence tells us that Putchek is protected by assassins, so extra vigilance and a few extra gadgets." "Better put the goggles on." "That's Putchek." "He makes his move." " Die, you rotten spying bastard!" " (Alarm blaring)" "Take that back to Moscow, Putchek!" "Take that, you nasty spying Russian!" "Take that back to your friends, you bastard!" "An apparently innocent ballpoint pen." "Yeah, can I have a gun?" "It still writes." "Girls." "Live girls." "Lovely girls." "Hello, sir." "You coming in?" "Live girls, drinks at pub prices." " What sort of stuff is it?" " It's live girls." "Exotic, erotic dancing." " It's full on, is it?" " What?" "You see everything, not just topless?" "Stop it." "I'm not saying that." "No, I just want to know if you, er, see 'em, see 'em in the nude." "In the nude?" "It gets worse." "No, you know, do you see their...?" "You know..." "Aaaaaah!" "You...dirty..." "That's it." "I'm going." "(Car horn blares)" "Fantastic." "OK, let's do it." "OK?" "(American) Excuse me?" "Sir?" "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Sasha Solomon." "Who are you?" "I'm Robert Delaney." "I play the lead." "Unbelievable." "And when does the show go on air?" "I think it's seven o'clock, Saturday nights." "Primetime!" "Unbelievable!" "America, hear me." "Robert is clearly gay, and yet he's on the British screens in the early evening." "Children are watching but the British public, they just don't care." "They eat it up." "Where are your closets?" "You've flung them open, you crazy Brits!" "Do you have your own gameshow?" "Most gay guys do here, don't they?" "OK, I think we're on kind of thin ice here." "Don't tell me, I'm expecting death threats when I let Middle America get a load of you." "America, hear me." "They're here, they're queer and they're not going shopping." "They're on TV." "This is Sasha Solomon reporting from Woostestershire, near London." "(# Spoof James Bond theme)" "Now, pay attention." "This could save your life." "Is it a gun?" "In manner of speaking, yes." "Here it is." "Beauty, isn't she?" " A lighter?" " On the face of it, yes." "But watch." "Better put the goggles on." "Allow me, Comrade Putchek." " Burn, you nasty Russian bastard!" " (Alarm blaring)" "Burn!" "You shouldn't smoke, you horrible Muscovite piece of shit." "Do you want some?" "Burn, you bastard!" "Have you had enough?" "Have you had enough?" "(Roars and retches)" "When I said it was a lighter, you said, "On the face of it."" " Yes." " It is just a lighter, isn't it?" " Lights every time." " Yeah." "Can I have a knife?" "The cards are all out so it's all systems go." "This phone here is "Naughty Girl Must Be Punished."" "This one is "Watch Me With Me Twin Sister." All right?" " Yeah." " (Phone rings)" "Oh! "Watch Me With Me Twin Sister." Away you go." "Don't forget, the longer you keep them on, the more we make, all right?" "Oh, hi." "Do you wanna know what I'm doing?" "Ooh, my sister's just got out the bath and she hasn't got a towel round her." " Tell her to put her towel on." " Mmm!" " Ooh, she's dripping wet." " Ooh, she'll catch cold!" "Ooh, she's sitting on my knee now." " (Sniggers)" " She's made my stockings all wet." "Oh, it's all right." "She's taking them off for me." " Oh, that's nice, innit?" " (Stammers)" "Ooh, yeah." "Ooh, that's nice, innit?" "Ooh, do you like that?" "Ooh!" "Dirty!" " Ooh..." " You... (Sighs)" " That's lovely, oh..." " Mmm!" "I'm going." " (Dialling tone)" " Oh!" "(Tuts) 'Kin' 'ell." " And he said, "Is it me, Lord?" "Is it me?" - (Laughs falsely)" "That's brilliant." "Now, Bill, Simone." "I wish I didn't have to ask you this." "There's been a lot of talk in the press about your marriage which as we know is very much to each other." " Very much." " As I say, there's been talk." "And I have to ask you this, but, er..." " How do you feel about that?" " Martin, please." "I'm not afraid to address what the press have been saying." "Of course, Bill." "You're afraid of nothing." "I'd be happy to discuss freely and openly these allegations." "I know, but you mustn't." "Don't." "Don't make me." " Don't make me ask you." " It's fine." "Let's talk about it." "You're so brave." "All right, then." "Well, there's been this talk in the press." "Now, tell me if I'm being impertinent." "Please." "Tell me I'm being impertinent." "Speak to me firmly like you do in that way you have." "Ask me to leave, politely but forcefully." "Tell me I'll never eat lunch in this town again." "This town, your town, Tinseltown." "And it is your town, isn't it, Bill?" "Yours and Al's and Jeff's." "Can I stay with you?" "Have you got a guest room?" "Of course you've got a guest room but it's all full up with Anthony Hopkins and Liza Minnelli." "Well, we did have Steven over last week." " Steven Spielberg?" "Fucking hell!" " Sure, Steven..." "Did he sit on this chair?" "Did he swim in your pool?" "In his trunks?" "Just Steven Spielberg in just his trunks?" "In your pool?" "Here in Hollywood, with you?" "Am I really here?" " Pinch me, go on, pinch my knee." " Get outta here!" " Do you mean that?" "Do you want me to leave?" " Yeah, how do you say?" "Piss off!" "That's great." "Say that again." "Bill Masters told me to piss off." "I must be in your mind." "Will you think of me?" " Yeah." " Will you think of me tomorrow?" " Will you have parties and barbecues?" " Yeah." " Do famous people come and chat?" " Yeah." " Do you have friends who aren't famous?" " Yeah." " Are you gay?" " Yeah." " OK, we got it." "Cut it there." " Uh, no!" "(# Piano playing romantic ditty)" "(Squeaks)" "(Whimpers)" "Ooooooh!" "(Wails softly)" "(Whooshes)" "Aaaagh!" "Ow!" "Ah!" "Aaah!" "Ah!" " (Both) Bonjour!" " Which is French for "hiya"." "You're watching BBC Knowledge Online Choice Active And Kicking Digital with computers forward slash funsize." "And this is The Language Zone." "Yesterday, we learnt A level German." "Today, French." "Très bien!" "Now, the language French is made up of a huge number of tiny facts from France which link together to be like stupid-sounding talk!" "Très bien!" "Top A level French fact number one." "Don't panic." "Help is at hand." "Some French people you might know include Hercule Poirot, Simon Le Bon and actor Christopher Lambert, who when he's at home and talking French, is called Christophe "Lom-bear"." "Some of you might remember Christophe Lambert from the excellent film Highlander." "Highlander is set in Scotland." "The French for Scotch whisky is "le whisky"." "Très bien!" "So, let's have another look at the facts." "Help is at hand." "Fact two - the French for Christopher Lambert is Christophe Lambert." "Fact three." "There is no French word for whisky." "And if you want to know more A level French, we suggest immersing yourself in French culture by watching these BBC videos of 'Allo 'Allo." "Till then - d'accord!" " D'accord!" " D'accord!" " Of course you know your problem, Mike." " No." "What?" " You're really touchy." " I'm not." " You're so touchy." " I'm not." "You are." "You're touchy." "Leave it, will ya?" "Mummy's touchy boy." " One more time..." " T-T-T-T-T-Teatime!" "T-T-T-T-Test match!" "T-T-Touchy!" " Oi, oi, oi!" " Get off me!" " Ooh, I'm so frightened!" " (All shout at once)" "All right, sorry." "All right?" "All right, mate, all right." "All right, all right." "Touchy!" " Come on!" " Ha, ha, ha!" "Oh, dear Lord." " Plumber!" " Thank you for coming." "Don't thank me, I've got to." " The sink's here in the kitchen." " Is it?" "!" "Yes, we don't know." "The water won't drain out." "We think it might be blocked." "Do you?" "You think it might be blocked." "You think that's why the water won't go away?" "Because it's blocked?" "I think so too." "What are the alternatives?" "It's just naughty water?" "The water table of the entire world has risen by 70 feet?" "Or maybe it's just blocked." "Maybe it's just a bit of rice." "We were just guessing, really." "Sorry, not your fault." "I'm having a hell of a day." "Some fat bloke got his toe caught in the bath tap." "I drew the short straw." "It was grim, I can tell you." "Right." "Have you tried plunging?" "We don't have a plunger." "You haven't got a plunger." "Of course not." "Why would you need one?" "It's not as though your sink ever gets blocked." "Aaaah!" "Sorry, sorry, that was just clumsy." "Right, now, stand back." "The important thing to remember with a plunger is not to stand with your face over..." "Oh, shit!" "I've done it again." "I've punched myself in the face with a plunger." "Right in the same spot." " Let's have a look at the pipes." " Would you like a cup of tea?" "Haven't you turned the mains off?" "What are you doing, trying to drown me?" " Shit!" "Arse!" "Bollocks!" "Wank!" " (Gurgling)" "I've broken the sink now." "I've got arsing spring water all over my face." "This is gonna take ages to fix!" "I've ruined it." "I won't do it!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "That hurt!" "Right, you do it." "I'm crap!" "I've just ruined your sink and I'm not gonna fix it." "I'm gonna drown myself." "(Splutters)" "See, what she keeps forgetting is that I'm in my cave and I don't want to..." "Will you shut..." "He keeps going on about his bloody cave." "It's just an excuse to ignore my mother." "You would say that - you're from Venus, your mother's from Venus," " so I don't see why..." " My mother is not from Venus." "Course she is." "That's the point." "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus." " My mother is not from Venus." " I'm obviously not saying she's..." " Well, what then?" " Bec..." " The book says men are from..." " Oh, yes, the book." "I forgot the book." "He reads one book a year and he's so pleased with himself the rest of us have to listen to it for ten weeks." "That is such a load of Venusian shit." "(Bell dings)" "You're gonna regret this, mister!" "Damn, they went with Connery." "OK, I need something for Titchmarsh and I need it now!" "OK, A Foot In Bough Camps, where ageing statesman Michael Foot goes to holiday camps in which Frank Bough owns shares." " Where's the gardening?" " OK, Monkhouse's Monks' Houses." "Bob Monkhouse tours the monasteries of Europe." " What's the Titchmarsh angle?" " Or Vorderman's Border Man." "Carol Vorderman chats to customs officials throughout the EC." " Titchmarsh!" " With Alan Titchmarsh as a wacky EC commissioner with a trowel and some seeds." "Well, Jo, before I hate it, let me tell you something." "This is my love hand and this is my hate hand." "At the moment, I hate it." "But take Alan out of the suit and put him in fear for his life and who knows what might happen?" "OK, er, In At The Deep End with Alan Titchmarsh where Titchmarsh is given command of a nuclear sub." "I love it." "What's the love interest?" " There isn't one." " Get out!" " Fern Britton!" " I love it" " She's his first officer." " I don't believe you." " Daughter!" " What?" " Wife!" " I think Mrs Titchmarsh would have something to say about that." "OK, Fern Britton is the priestess of an underwater tribe of sturgeon whom Alan befriends and teaches how to plumb sinks." "And she plumbs sinks so well she earns his grudging respect." "Great." "Do they have a dog?" " Yeah!" " I hate dogs!" "No dogs!" "They've killed all the dogs." "So we've got Alan Titchmarsh and Fern Britton going round in a nuclear sub plumbing sinks and murdering dogs." "I love it." "It's the best idea I've ever..." "hated!" "There's no gardening." "They find the Lost City Atlantis and it all needs weeding." " And Alan makes a trellis." " I love it!" "I want you to write it." "I want you to write me 12 more drafts" " and I'll make the one that's an antiques quiz." " (Phone)" " Why don't you just admit it, Mike?" " Admit what?" "You're so touchy!" "Say, "I'm Mike and I'm so touchy it isn't true."" "Mike Touchy from Touchyville." "Touchyville in Touchyland, where everyone is sooooo touchy." "Hm." "And you're the king." "King Touchy." "Come on, leave it!" "Leave it!" " (Cackles)" " Get out of your seat." "Stand up." "Stand up!" "Oi, get up!" "Ooh, sorry." "Sorry." "Touchy!" "(Cackles)" " (Sniggers)" " Get off me!" "Right." "Er, interview commencing at quarter past 12pm." "Those present are Gary, Kevin, the suspect, the suspect's brief and the boys from the crew." "Have you all got tea and biscuits and everything you need?" "It's bad enough you've got all these people in here." "Can we just get on with the interview?" "Interview, yes." "Now, if I could just explain." " What we're doing..." " Is this part of the interview?" " What?" " You're talking to them." "Oh, yes." "Right." "OK, erm..." "Er, interview paused at, erm, roughly 20 past 12." "Erm..." "Oh, there's no pause." "Right, I'm gonna have to press the stop button." "Sorry about the clunk." "There's gonna be a clunk." "Sorry." "Right, happy now?" " Now, this is an interview..." " Not really." "Yes." "This is an interview to decide whether this man robbed the building society with a gun." "And we're gonna be using a very clever police technique called nice cop, nasty cop." " Kevin's gonna be the nice cop and..." " I'm nasty cop." "You were nasty cop last ti..." "All right, all right." "Kevin's gonna be the nasty cop and I'm the nice cop so it's nasty cop, nice cop this time round." "I mean, we'll probably swap in future." "I've just had a thought." "We probably shouldn't have let the suspect in on our strategy." "See, this is how careful you have to be." "Oh, well, we'll just have to live with it now." "Right." "OK." "So, hello, how are you?" "Have you had a nice day?" "Would you like a cup of tea?" "Perhaps you'd like a cigarette?" " Now, did you rob..." " You haven't turned the tape back on." "Oh, yes, well spotted." "That can be your job, remind me..." "My job is to represent the interests of my client." "Yeah, I know." "I'm just being nice..." "Right, er..." "Hello, we're all back." "Erm...it's about 25 to now, we're all still here, sorry about the clunk." "Now, then, did you...?" "Would you like a cigarette?" " Did you rob..." " Answer the question, you fucker!" "I..." "I hate it when you're nasty cop, I really do." "Did you rob..." "Hello, how are you?" "Don't worry about him, he's nasty cop." "Oh, we..." "He knows anyway now, doesn't he?" " Did you..." " Wanker!" "Did you rob the building society on the 8th of April?" "Yeah, I did." " You did?" " Yeah." " Right." "You're pleading guilty, then?" " Uh-huh." "Erm, right." "See, that's not really ideal for us, is it, because I think we wanted a bit of back and forth..." " Shithead!" " You can stop that, Kevin, he's pleaded guilty." "OK, yeah." "If I can explain what happened..." " The tape's still running." " Oh, yes." "Sorry about the clunk." "I hate it on a night out when you're chatting and you can tell from the way he's looking at you that he'd much rather be..." " Back at home." " Shagging." "And then you get home and he can't wait for it." " He is gagging for it." " Can't even wait to put a condom on." " No, he'd much rather do it..." " Right there and then." " Doesn't even wait to rip your top off." " Rip your tights off." "Ergh!" "You've got to work on your communication skills, you stupid bitch." " Don't you talk to me like that." " See?" "She's from a different planet." "She don't understand my ways." "Nothing to understand." "You're selfish." "That is..." "That is such an ignorant remark." "What you've got to be asking yourself is, "Why am I being selfish?" ""Why is Gary selfish?" "What have I done wrong?"" "I ain't done nothing wrong except marry you." "See, I'm trying to understand this relationship." "In fact, I do." "I understand it completely." "It's been explained to me to my satisfaction and now I understand where we've been going wrong, darling." " Gary, not now." " See?" "I'm trying to be sensitive and she's not..." "committing to the process." "I might go back in my cave." " It must be a bit spermy in your cave." " Now, don't, Samantha." "Don't be dirty." "(Squeaky voice) All pile on!" "(Gasps)" "(All whoop)" "(All laugh)" "(# Piano intro)" "Rod Hull!" "Il est mort!" "(Gasps)" "Non!" "Il est mort!" "Il est mort." "Monsieur Hull est mort?" "Impossible!" "C'est vrai." "Il est tombé pendant qu'il réparait son antenne parabolique." "(All sigh)" "Oui, je sais bien." "L'ironie est presque insupportable." "L'accident - où était Emu?" "Emu!" "Pauvre Emu!" "Qui est avec lui, hein?" "Mais non!" "Ils interrogent à Emu!" "Emu?" "Mon dieu, Emu!" "Tais-toi!" "Ils ne peuvent pas suspecter Emu d'un acte criminel!" "Apparement, Rod est sur la toit, est Emu a commencé a faire des siennes." "C'est une tragédie!" "Oui, dans un certain sens, Emu I'a tué." "Ah!" "Le meurtrier!" "Le marionnette I'a tué!" "Au diable, les marionnettes!" "Non!" "Non!" "Aidez-moi!" "(All shout at once)" "Over-sensitive." "Two words." ""So..." Something beginning with T." "Er..." "Over-sensitive." "Something beginning with T." " Soooo..." " Don't, Mike." " Mike." " Paul, leave it out." " ...oooo..." " Paul, it's not funny." "Kid." "...ooooooo..." " Touchy!" " Come on!" "Leave it out!" " Get up!" " (Mocks) Get up!" "Oh, yeah!" "I'm gonna thump you so hard." "All right, mate." " Oh, touchy!" " Come on, get up!" " Get up!" " Leave it!" " Get off me." " That's it now." "Ah... (Blows kiss)" "(Giggling)" "Oh, last night we were doing it and I got cramp." " And Rob thought I'd come." " (Laughs)" "It was awful though cos I was knackered." " I hate that when you're really tired..." " And you can't get into it." " You feel really bad." " I was trying so hard not to fall asleep." "To fart." "I think it's a cry for help." "He just wants attention." "Well, you would say that." "But then, you are from Venus and you just talk without thinking." " No, I don't." " See?" "You didn't think that through." "It was just a retort." "Gary says something. "No," you say." "I say something you just go, "Ner, ner" back." "Whereas I, from Mars, if I've got some thoughts or ideas that I'm, erm..." "When I'm in my cave, I work through stuff all the time, so now I'm out of my cave, now I'm just ready to, er, say the thing, yeah?" "I just say the thing." "Got it all mapped out in my head before I even open my mouth." "So you want me to have a really good think about what I'm gonna say before I say it?" " I do." " I'll have a really good think, shall I?" "Yes, please." "Right." "I haven't enjoyed sex with you for the last eight months." "I have." "(# Pop)" "Come on, come on." "Before someone else comes in." "Bollocks!" "Pee, you bastard." "Come on, he'll think I'm that way." "He'll think I've come in for a quick shufty at some willies." "Damn!" " Oh, no." " (Urine flowing)" "Ooh, he saw me look towards him." "He probably thinks I was trying to look at his willy, but I wasn't." "I was looking at his sideburns." "They are quite large." "Shit!" "I'm looking again and I caught his eye and I may as well have said out loud, "Do you want to come back to my place?" What'll I do?" "I'm not gay!" "Look." "Look. (Gasps) Yes!" "Would you like that?" "OK?" "Ready to smile?" "Look at me." "Smile, smile, say cheese." "(Squeaky voice) All pile on!" " Wahey!" " (Splat)" "(All whoop)" "Have you ever had anal sex?" " Tom thinks it's really..." " Intense." "I think it's quite nice." "I mean, obviously it's painful." "As far as I'm concerned, it's OK so long as they do it with a condom..." "Cucumber." "(Phone ringing)"