" Dr. Katz?" " Yeah?" "I'm gonna need a few hours off this afternoon." "Is everything okay?" "Because, Laura, you've really been taking a lot of time off this week." "I'm sensing that there's something going on here." "I'm fine." "You know that I'm always here for you?" "You realize that, don't you?" "You're not always here, but I'm always here." "I don't need any..." "I just think it's unfair of you not to offer an explanation." "Well, I need it?" "Laura, this is the third time this week that you've asked me for time off in the afternoon." "Are you counting tomorrow?" "Well, no, I guess not." "I don't like holidays with my family." "Why is that, Mark?" "I just don't, because you've gotta be polite to 'em." "It doesn't last very long." "Ever just try to be so polite you yawn inside your mouth?" "Yeah." "You just listen to a story..." ""Oh yeah?" "Oh, you did what?" "Uh-huh?" "Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm, mmm."" " Dr. Katz's office." " Man alive, Laura!" "Yeah?" "What in god's name were you doing yesterday?" "I was out." "What do you mean you were out?" "What kind of chop shop are you running?" "Yesterday, I tried for three hours to get through." "Yeah, so what do you want?" "First of all, where are you going in the middle of a workday?" "We don't live in the tropics." "You can't just do what you want." "We're not in some Equatorial country, where you can work anytime you want, go to the beach, have a rum drink." "We're in America, baby." "That means you put in an eight-hour workday." "Then you have a rum drink." "Oh, this past Thanksgiving, I just can't..." "I can barely get through things like that." "My aunt was all upset, because we didn't use real whipped cream." "We used this Kreme whip or something like that." "It's really whipped topping that you keep in the fridge." "I noticed on the bowl of this Kreme whip, it says, "Any questions or comments about our product, call this number."" "I'm thinking, who's the guy that answers this phone?" "He's the Kreme whip hot-line guy." "First of all, how busy can this guy get?" "Well..." ""Hello, Kreme whip?" "Uh-huh, just one sec..." "Could you hold please?" "Okay, Kreme whip... can I put you on hold for just a second?" "Kreme whip..." "Just one second." "Is John back from his break yet?" "!"" "You know, this is important, Laura." "I need to have an open line with my father at all times." "You know, like the bat phone or the red phone in the white house." "I pick up the phone, I say, "Dad," he says, "What?"" "I don't even wanna hear a dial tone." "What do you want?" "What if I fell, hmm?" "Or what if I got up, but then I fell again?" "Don't you two talk at home?" "Occasionally." "Where did you go yesterday afternoon anyway?" "Oh, to none of your business." "Oh, that's very funny." "I don't think I can go in traffic anymore." "Why?" "I just can't deal with those drivers." "I don't know why it is, but when I pass the slow drivers," "I have to look at 'em." "I don't know what I'm looking for..." "Like their face will give me the answer." ""Oh, it's Mr. Magoo!"" "I don't know why I look at the slow drivers." "They all have that same look on their face." ""Oh, I am not confident behind the wheel." "This is hard!" "I usually sit in that chair." "You're doing very well!"" " Hey, dad, pass the dip, will you?" " Yep." "Pass the other dip?" "You know, you could get sick mixing dips, Ben." "That's not true." "That's alcohol that you get sick when you mix." "Well, I can get sick watching you mix dips." "I think that's what I meant." "Hey, dad, I spoke to Laura today." "That's a shocker!" "And she seems to be out of the office." "Yeah." "And you didn't tell me..." "I should be filled in." "How did she sound to you when you spoke to her?" "Well, I asked her where she was, and she was pretty tight-lipped about giving me an answer." "Is there something going on?" "Is she okay?" "I think that she's going through some kind of personal crisis." "It's clear to me that she needs to, and she even used this phrase, "To sort some things out."" "That sounds serious, dad." "Yeah, that's not good..." "You know what that means when someone says, "I'm sorting a few things out?"" "You know what that means?" "It means they're dying." "No, that's getting their affairs in order, Ben." " That's different." " Oh, right." "Sounds like there's something serious going on at the office, and I would certainly take a little time out of my schedule to maybe investigate what was going on." "You mean if you were me." "What do you mean?" "I'm saying I don't think it's a good idea for you to get involved." "It's a very sensitive area." "Well, I mean, if there's anybody who can find out what's going on, it's definitely me." "Oh, that's right..." "I forgot who I was talking to." " Yeah." " Undercover Ben." "Dad, I'm gonna find out what our little miss "Can't be wrong" is up to..." " Huh?" " Do a little investigating." "Ben, I don't want you to do anything." "Maybe it's running guns to Mexico." "I don't think she can do that on her lunch hour." "Well, why don't you start guessing?" "Why do I have to look stupid all the time?" "I just really don't have a clue." "Oh my god, she's my sister." "Do, do, do, do, do." "Do you mind?" "Oh, hello, Laura." "I, I... oh." "Oh, hey, give me that back." "Please let me have that back." "Give it to me." "Look, I promise not to use it if you give it back to me." " Well..." " I promise." "Okay." "I'm sorry, that was an accident." "I really didn't mean to do that." "I just touched it, I'm really sorry." "I'm really sorry..." "I'm just not..." "I don't really mean to..." "Oh, boy, I'm really..." "Dr. Katz's office." " Oh, Laura." " Mmm-hmm." "Is this you?" "Yes, it is." "Wow, you're alive..." "You're sitting there." "Am I really talking to you on the phone?" "Yes, I am, yes, that's right." "I'm glad I got you while you were in." "Oh, well, good for you." "What a shock." "Figure these days, why would you even go to work, right?" "Don't matter, does it..." "Let it all hang out, baby." " Mmm-hmm." " Huh?" "Yeah." "You don't care about responsibilities, right?" "You're all free." "That's right." "So you gonna stay in today or are you gonna...?" "Oh, well, I'll be in, and then I'll be going out." "Oh, you're gonna be leaving this afternoon?" "Yes, that's right, Ben." "Like sorta like yesterday afternoon?" "Sort of." "Huh, it's a workday, so why wouldn't you leave?" "Mmm-hmm." "That's interesting." "Where would you go, hypothetically?" "To the zoo or...?" "Mmm, any number of places." "But do you have one specific place you've been going to in the afternoon?" "Yes, actually I do." " Really?" " Yeah." "That's funny, does it begin with a "p"?" "As in visiting a relative at the penitentiary?" "!" "Uh, no." "Does it begin with a "d,"" "as in doing... things..." "That are illegal?" "Mmm, no." "Does it begin with a "c-h," as in, I'm sorry, a "p-h."" "I'm sorry, a "p-s-c-h."" ""P-s-c-h"?" "I don't know how to spell this word." "What's going on with you and your brother now?" " Oh, Alan?" " Yeah." "Uh, nothing much." "Just the fact that he's older than me still plagues me." "Mmm-hmm." " I'm hoping to catch up some day." " Yeah." "How come whenever I mention your brother, you start sweating?" "Oh, I'm sorry..." "Just a second." "You know I don't like this game, Ron." "I don't think this is..." "Hello?" "Yeah, I'm at the doctor again." "No, not hair..." "I'm at the head thing." "Yeah, okay, mmm-hmm." "All right, I'll tell him." "Okay, bye." "Who was that pretend call from?" "That wasn't a pretend call, that was, uh, um..." "Huh, huh, huh..." "Oh..." "Huh, huh, huh, huh..." "Laura, why don't we do this?" "Why don't we play a game?" " You like games, don't you?" " No." "Of course, you do, of course, you love 'em." "Everybody loves games." "That's why they're called "games."" "Let's play a game that I love to play called "Guess where I went this afternoon."" "Oh, okay, that sounds fun." "Yeah, it is a lot of fun." " You go ahead to start." " Okay." "Nowhere?" "Well, I have to ask first." "So guess where I went this afternoon?" "Um, nowhere?" "Okay, you win..." "Now you ask me." " Okay, Ben?" " Uh-huh." "Guess where I went this afternoon." "Guess where I went..." "Man, this game sucks." "This is something my colleagues would probably..." "Ron, just let it ring." "At least that would be a step in the right direction, you know?" "Yeah, but I don't know who it is." "Just ignore it... see if you can do that for me." " Would you do that?" " All right." "Hi, I can't come to the phone right now." "Please leave a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can." "Beep!" "Oh, they must have hung up, hmm..." "Well, I think you've taken that game as far as you can." "I don't know, I don't think so." "Hello, is this Dr. Katz?" "Hi, Ben." "I disguised my voice so Laura wouldn't recognize me." "Yeah." "Listen, dad, I'm in a phone booth outside the building, and I don't mind telling you, it reeks." "What I need to know is Laura's HQ, not to mention her DOD." "I have no idea what you're talking about, Ben." "I can't... dad, I can't get into this right now, 'cause I'm staked out outside." "Yeah, well, that's..." "Let's go through this quickly." "I can't get into it either because I'm an adult." "Why does that prevent you from getting into it?" "'Cause I don't like spy games the way you do." "Would it help if I just talked normally?" " It might." " All right." "Now, how are you, Ben?" "I'm fine, how are you, dad..." "Let's get down to business." "Okay." "Where is Laura right now, because I am outside, so when she goes out this afternoon," "I will be able to, what they call in my business," ""tail her."" "See, this is not a good idea, and I'll tell you why." "Dad, I can handle myself out here." "The streets are my friend." "I mean, this is where I live." "I just meld in, you know?" "I'm a melder, dad." "Yeah, I can see you melding." "I'm waving to you right now, Ben." "Look up..." "Higher, to your left." "Yep." "Oh, hey... is that you?" "Not only are you melding, you're also waving now." "Yeah." "Yeah." "That's right..." "I sort of blew my cover right there." "Let me see if Laura wants to wave." " No, no, no, no, dad, don't do that." " Yeah." "Okay, so I don't meld well, but that's not everything." "How many fingers am I holding up right now?" "You're holding up three fingers." " Damn." " Yeah." "How many fingers am I holding up now?" "Read between the lines." " Hmm." " Hmm?" "You want me to turn it up for you?" " Dad?" " Ben?" "Dad, don't use our real names." "All right, now start again." "Dad?" "Men?" "God, you're dumb." "All right, whatever..." "Just a status report." "How's it going?" " Lost her." " Okay." "Let me tell you what happened." "I followed her to the bank." "She went in the bank, and I couldn't wait." "What do you mean you couldn't wait?" "I sort of got hungry, and she was in there for a while." "The line was a mile long." "Do you understand how this whole tailing thing works, Ben?" "Maybe I messed up this time, but next time, I am gonna stick to her like..." "Like, um, you know." "Like something that's a sticky substance?" "Yes, yes, like a very sticky substance." "But I was following Laura, and I realized a whole 'nother conspiracy going on." "Mmm-hmm." "You know the bakery?" "Lenzio's?" "Mmm-hmm." "I get the feeling they pump out odors." "Right, their exhaust vent." "Well, not quite their exhaust vent." "They vent out fumes which make you go in and buy baked goods." "I never trusted them." "What I'm trying to say is:" "I got you a dozen crullers." "Hi, I'm here." "Richard Lewis..." "I'm here to see Dr. Katz." "Good... why don't you take a seat?" "Listen, Laura, not that I wanna move furniture around or anything, but I feel like you sit pretty close to the office, and not that you should move the desk..." "Are you afraid that I'm gonna hear about your problem?" "Well, if it was just one, I'd be a lucky man." "We haven't started our session yet, have we?" "Well, technically, the minute you walk in here, you're on the clock." " Oh." "I mean, if something happens that makes you feel better on your way into the room, that's part of the session too." "I can tell you anything, can't I?" "As long as it's not personal." "I have a feeling you're gonna want me as a regular patient." "Well, you are a regular patient, Richard." "Do you know something I don't know?" "Yeah, I do." "What is that?" " Trust me." " Mmm-hmm." "I guess I'm screwed up, man." "My uncle Phil, who passed away, used to make home movies and edit out the joy." "Those are our family movies, and I have them." "Well, that's..." "I don't let you talk much, because I'm always afraid to hear what you're gonna say to me." "You know, you're sort of an intellectual, aren't you, Dr. Katz?" "No, I'm more of a pseudointellectual." "Maybe that's the problem I have with you." "I miss my other therapist, 'cause I used to get a hug a lot, you know?" "Yeah, that's not gonna happen here." "God, you're in a bad mood today," "Dr. Katz, aren't you?" "No, I'm not in a bad mood." "I think maybe you're projecting your mood onto me." "'Cause you're not..." "Like you're cutting me off." "Isn't that weird?" "Well, remember what you said to me last time." "I've said so many things to you." "You don't like to confide in me." "That's true... you know, but here's the problem that I have, Dr. Katz." "I don't know whether I'm being truthful with you or trying to get you to laugh." "Well, jeez, I hope it's not the latter." "Wait, which was the latter?" "You know, you have all the classic symptoms of a hypochondriac." "I am a hypochondriac." "I mean, I got it from my grandparents, really, basically." "My grandmother, she knitted her suicide note." "I doubt it." "Which was really a tragic thing." "We didn't know what she was doing." "She also used to collect antique dolls with colitis." "Well, those are gonna be worth something someday." "Young polar bear comes home from school." "True story." "I have to tell you this joke." "Young polar bear comes home from school, and he says, "Mother, am I really a polar bear?"" "She says, "Of course, you're a polar bear... now go to bed."" "He comes home the next day, he says," ""Dad, are you and mom really, really polar bears?"" "The father says," ""What are you talking about?" "Good night."" "This goes on for weeks, for months." ""Were your parents polar bears?" "Were their parents polar bears?" "Am I, in fact, a purebred polar bear?"" "The father finally says, "Enough!" "Why do you keep asking us these questions?"" "He says, "Because I am freezing!"" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, it's a great joke." "He was cold!" "The bear, he was cold!" "Yeah, right, that was the..." " Laura, can I ask you something?" " Yeah." "Are you planning on leaving?" "Yeah, two hours early." "No, no, no, no, that's not what I mean." "I mean, are you planning on leaving this job, on quitting this job?" " Would you still pay me?" " No." "Then, no." "Why do you think I'm leaving?" "I don't know... it seems like there's something going on that you're clearly not comfortable talking to me about." "Dr. Katz, I'm not gonna leave this job until I find a better one." "Well, that's sweet of you to say that, Laura, 'cause I really was worried." "So what are you doing out there?" "I mean, I'm sure there's an explanation." "Maybe it's none of my business, but I feel like I'm entitled to an explanation." "Well, I'll tell you, Dr. Katz." "I've been going to traffic school." "Well, why didn't you say something?" "Well, 'cause it's embarrassing!" "Why is it embarrassing?" "I was sentenced to traffic school just for going fast!" " Yeah." " Er." "Well, Laura, I'm glad you're staying." "I'm going to need all the afternoons off next week too." "More tickets?" "No, I just sort of have come to like having my afternoons off." "That's a good one, Laura." "Okay." "Well, the last time I went there was to get my license renewed, and what they're doing now is group photos." " Dad?" " Yeah." "Take a look at Ben... huh?" "Yeah, I don't have to look at you." "This is what it's all about, baby!" "Why don't you leave..." "Whoo, I stink!" "Why don't you leave your clothes in the hall and get in the shower immediately, Ben." "Dad, you know what?" "No, no, I don't do that." "I wait..." "I wanna relish this moment." "Were you in a food fight or something?" "No, dad, I was in a dumpster." "I was on a job." "I was investigating in a dumpster." "I mean, that's..." "I was in Laura's dumpster." "Ah-ha." "Going through some of her trash." "I wasn't quite sure it was hers, 'cause it was her building's, and I didn't really find something specific to Laura." "Mmm-hmm." "Except for some skim milk, which I assume she does drink." " Yeah." "So I was in there for about a half hour, and about 30 minutes went by, and then I realized, "I'm in a bunch of garbage, and I gotta get the hell outta here."" "I'm not saying that all this investigative work was for nothing." "What do you mean?" "Turns out she's been going to traffic school." "She's had a bunch of tickets, and she's required to go..." "I thought she had to sort a few things out." "Well, she was embarrassed." "She didn't want me to think that she was a bad driver." "You're kidding..." "Why did she say she had to sort a few things out?" "Why didn't she just say," ""I was going to traffic school?"" "Like I said, she was embarrassed." " Well, how did you find out?" " I asked her." " Seriously?" " Yeah." "God, I suck at this!" "I was with my high school friends the other day, and it kinda made me sad that we can't do what we did in high school." "Like, now you have to be really polite to people." "As an adult, you're expected to." ""How was your weekend?" "Like I care." "Uh-huh?" "Well, that's good." "Yeah, that's nice."" "Yeah." "You know, when you were in high school, you saw someone in the hallway." "You didn't have to stop and chitchat." "All you had to do was this." "That's it... a little nod, that was the whole greeting." "You were done with that person." "You know, two people walk by..." "You know, they say men aren't supposed to cry." "I mean, I saw "Bridges of Madison county,"." "And they fell in love, and everything was good, and then they realized they shouldn't be together, and they break up, and then the real husband comes back, and he's way behind Clint Eastwood in the truck," "and it's raining, 'cause everything bad happens in the rain, and the light turns green, but Clint doesn't move, and the guy's like," ""Boop, boop, today, boop, boop, today."" "You know?" "And the husband says, "What's he waiting for?"" "He's waiting for her!" "Hey, you want a tissue?" "Can I have a minute, please?" " Hello, Dr. Katz?" " Yeah?" "How are you doing today?" "I'm good... is this Ron?" "Yes, it is." "Where's Laura?" "Um, she's not here." "What are you doing there?" "Nothing much..." "I'm out here in the waiting room." "Why don't you come on in?" "I don't have to come in..." "This is okay." "Yeah, I think it would be better if you came in." "Can we talk on this for just a little while?" " I rushed over here." " Yeah." "And I thought, "I feel so much better." "Now I'm at Dr. Katz's office, and he'll help me out."" "See, I think that's the problem." "I don't think you feel safe in here at all." "You need to bring all this stuff." "Really?" "In fact, I'm tempted to hang on to those things, Ron, until we're done with the session." "Just let me hold on to some of these things until the end of the session." "Uh..." "And I'll give them back to you, Ron, and let's just be me and you and whatever you're thinking." "Zoom!" "It's kinda hard to think without the stuff, though." "Blink, blink, blink!" "I'm sorry, it's not going that well, is it?" "Yep, come on, that one, too, Ron." "Really?" "Whoops, you know what the music means." " Our time is up." " Wow."