"CHELSEA:" "First box goes in my car, the other in the truck." "Guess that's it." "You got everything?" "I think so." "I, uh, left the house keys and the garage clicker by the nightstand." "Thanks." "so you still plan to...move in with your dad?" "Just for a while." " You gonna be okay?" " Me?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I mean, I am gonna miss the cat." "You hate Sir Lancelot." "I did at first, but over time I came to find..." "Yeah, you're right." "I hate that thing." "I put in a change of address at the post office, but here's my dad's address just in case." "I might be open to a trade." "I'll keep the cat, you take Alan." "Still got his carrier." "Take care of yourself, Charlie." "You do the same." "I'm sorry it didn't work out." "Me, too." "Well, she's gone." "You handled that very maturely." "What are you gonna do?" "We tried." "Didn't work." "Life goes on." "Mmm." "You want a drink?" "Nah." "Drinking isn't gonna solve anything." "What-what are you doing?" "Nothing." "Really?" "Doesn't look like nothing." "Where you going?" "Out for a swim." "You never go in the water." "That's 'cause I'm not a good swimmer." "You don't think he's gonna..." "I don't know." "Charlie, stop this!" "Charlie, come back!" "It's not that bad!" "Come on, Charlie, you still got your family!" "Very smart; now he's sprinting." "Damn it, Charlie, get out of that water!" "We need to go after him." "Well, don't look at me." "I just ate;" "I got to wait a half an hour." "Well, I just took a shower and washed my hair." "And this is leave-in conditioner." "Well, what about Jake?" "Jake's at his mother's." "I wish you give him a call." "There's no time!" "Water's really cold." "Just so you know, we were about to come get you!" "ALAN:" "Charlie?" "You awake?" "Come on, man." "It's time to get up." "Charlie?" "What?" "I" " I didn't see you there." "She was the best thing that ever happened to me, Alan." "I understand." "But you've been up here for two days." "It's time to move on with your life." "There's no life to move on with." "Oh, sure there is." "You've got money, a beautiful home, good looks, all your hair." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I have all the things you don't." "That wasn't really the point I was trying to make, but, uh..." "Come on." "Come on." "Where are we going?" "We are going to get you cleaned up." "No." "No, I can't go in there." "Reminds me too much of Chelsea." "The bathroom?" "That's where she used to brush her hair and floss her teeth and tinkle like a princess." "Okay." "***" "I may need a new ficus." "I'm glad you came with me." "You needed to get out of the house." "No, what I need is to be loved again." "Uh, well, I think a good first step is to stop urinating in the potted plants." "Jake, your dad's here!" "Charlie, I was so sorry to hear about you and Chelsea." "Thank you." "I know that breakups can be very difficult." "Unless you're kicking out your husband of 12 years." "That seemed remarkably easy." "It was." "You know the part that I don't understand, Judith, is how somebody can tell you that they love you one day, then turn around and break your heart the next." "Well, relationships are complicated." "People drift apart." "Nobody's to blame." "You blamed me." "It was your fault." "I tried to change, tried to become the man she wanted me to be, but it wasn't enough." "Oh, I'm sure there's a part of her that still loves you very much." "Is there a part of you that still loves me very much?" "No." "What's wrong with him?" "Your uncle's very upset about his breakup." "Oh, yeah, that sucks." "Can I drive?" "Sure." "Cool." "Let's go, crybaby." "Hey." "Yeah, hey, kind of busy here." "I can see that." "Hi, I'm Jake's Uncle Charlie." "Nicole." "So what's the deal, Nicole?" "Are you tutoring our little genius here?" "No, we're dating." "Oh." "Dating?" "Uncle Charlie?" "Hang on." "Listen, Nicole, I love this kid, and I don't want to see him get hurt." "I'm not gonna hurt him." "Oh, really?" "So you like him just the way he is?" "You don't want to change him at all?" "Uncle Charlie..." "I got your back here, buddy." "'Cause let me tell you something." "This here is a lump of clay." "And you know what it's gonna be five, ten, 20 years from now?" "A larger, more bitter lump of clay." "Come on, let's go." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "I'm not done." "So if you're gonna dump him, dump him now." "Don't wait till he falls in love with you and asks you to marry him and have his children!" "Okay, enjoy yourselves!" "Are you out of your mind?" "I mean well." "You think maybe it's time to go back to your shrink?" "Why?" "She's just another woman that wants to change me." "Well, you have to do something." "No, no." "If I can't have Chelsea," "I don't want to live." "W" " Where you going?" "Strip club." "Ah, yes." "Death by lap dance." "Hey, Lord." "It's Charlie." "I know it seems like I only call on you when my ass is on fire, but, well, let's face it, that's how you made me." "Anyway, I'm just hurting real bad since Chelsea left," "I was kinda of hoping that maybe you could take away some of that pain." "Even with the help of your blessed wine," "I can't get through the day." "Even your blessed vodka's stopped working." "So, anything you can do would be much appreciated." "WOMAN:" "Hey." "You got a light?" "I like a little buzz before I pray." "Gets me closer to God." "(whispers):" "Thanks." "Come on, Charlie, answer the phone." "Ugh, damn it." "Voice mail." "Uh, Charlie, it's me again." "It has been three days." "Please call and let us know you're okay." "I think we should call the police." "Nah, he'll turn up." "May be broke and riddled with gonorrhea, but he'll find his way home." "No, I-I don't think this is a typical bender." "He really cared for Chelsea." "You know, he put her in his will." "Anything happens to him, she gets everything." "Really?" "So, like if he swam out in the ocean and drowned, for instance, she gets the house?" "The house, the Mercedes, the bank accounts, music royalties." "Man, I just can't catch a break." "Hey, look what someone threw away." "Uh, put that back outside." "And wash your hands." "Welcome to your new home, baby." "Hey, everybody." "I want you to meet the love of my life," "Mrs. Charlie Harper." "Better put me down." "I'm not wearing panties." "I told you he'd come home with gonorrhea." "All right, who's who?" "Well, this is my brother Alan." "Alan, Betsy." "Hello, brother." "Call me Alan." "Okay." "He doesn't look like such a mooch." "Okay, well, this is my mom Evelyn, and she doesn't look like such an Antichrist." "Hi, Mom." "Call me Mrs. Harper." "This is my housekeeper Berta." "Don't call me at all." "And lastly, this is Jake." "Oh, are you my son?" "!" "I'll be whatever you want me to be." "Um, actually, he's my son." "Butt out, Dad." "Well, you've met everybody." "Why don't we go upstairs and continue the honeymoon." "(gasps) We have an upstairs?" "CHARLIE:" "Yep." "Are there people up here, too?" "I like her." "Hey, Dad." "Mm-hmm?" "Do I call Uncle Charlie's new wife Betsy or Aunt Betsy?" "I guess either one's okay." "I'm gonna go with Aunt Betsy." "Fine." "Aunt Betsy made a lot of noise last night." "Uh, yeah, yeah, she did." "Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining." "Good morning, family." "Morning." "How we doing today?" "Good." "Good." "Will Aunt Betsy be joining us or is she taking a hot, soapy shower?" "She'll be right down." "So, based on this latest turn of events, would it be fair to say you're over Chelsea?" "Oh, absolutely." "Betsy and I are soul mates." "Soul mates." "Uh-huh." "So, where'd you meet your soul mate?" "Guess." "Strip club?" "Wrong." "Massage parlor?" "Wrong." "Okay, I give up." "Betsy and I met in church." "So what, she's a nun?" "No, she's a stripper and part-time masseuse." "See, I drove to the strip club, but the parking lot was full so I circled the block looking for a spot and found one right in front of this little church." "And for some reason" " I don't know why" "I got out of my car, walked into the church and started praying." "Are you saying God sent you Betsy?" "I think he did." "Oh, Dad, we gotta get our asses to church." "Then when I'm done, I get up to leave and she appears in front of me like some kind of vanilla-scented angel." "Mmm, vanilla." "So, we got to talking." "Turns out she's going through a difficult time as well." "Next thing I know, we're cleaning out her locker at the strip club and driving to Vegas." "Where you got married." "I understand your skepticism, but I'm telling you this girl is special." "She's really sweet and spiritual." "BETSY:" "Charlie?" "In here, baby." "Good news, bad news." "I got my period." "Oh, that's okay." "We can take a break." "We don't have to." "There's more than one way to skin a cat." "Oh, you are so wonderful." "What are the other ways?" "Shh!" "Uh..." "Charlie, uh, can I talk to you in private for a minute?" "Sure." "Bets, coffee's right there." "You just make yourself at home." "Okay." "Morning, son." "Morning, Mom." "So, I was gonna do a little topless sunbathing later." "You're welcome to join me." "Okay, not to put too fine a point on it, but you're out of your mind." "You need to call a lawyer and get this marriage annulled immediately." "I knew you wouldn't understand." "Oh, I understand, I understand." "You're still reeling from losing Chelsea and you're trying to fill the void with a menstruating pole dancer." "Hey, hey, hey, that's my wife you're talking about." "Oh, damn it, Charlie, you don't know anything about her." "I know I love her and she loves me for exactly who I am." "She doesn't want to change me." "Oh, stop it." "Okay, you get one of those." "Next time, that hand comes back a bloody stump." "Charlie, please, I'm begging you." "No, I'm doing the right thing." "You're lucky you're not a girl." "Having a hoochie is like owning a vintage car." "A lot of maintenance and once a month you gotta put down an oil pan." "Okay, I may have made a mistake." "Chelsea?" "Hey, Charlie." "What are you doing here?" "I need to see your daughter." "I'm sorry, she's not here." "Hi, Charlie, what's going on?" "Ed." "You know when she'll be back?" "I'm not sure." "She just took Skipper for a walk." "You're welcome to come in and wait." "Thank you." "What are you doing?" "I'm just trying to be polite." "Did you ever consider that maybe she doesn't want to see him?" "Watch your tone, mister." "Sit, please." "Sorry the place is a mess, we're still decorating." "I'm decorating, he's critiquing." "What, I can have opinions." "He wants me just to shup up and be pretty." "So, listen," "I'm sorry things didn't pan out with you and Chels." "Me, too." "Relationships can be a lot of work." "Even if you've known someone for 40 years." "That's right." "People get set in their pigheaded ways." "You want to get something off your chest, hmm," "I'm right here." "You really want to open this kettle of fish now?" "Oh, yeah, let's open it up, open it up." "Okay." "I'm just saying that two grown men should be able to pick out a club chair without it turning into Iwo freakin' Jima!" "Well, I'm not the one that thinks that everything he sits his ass on has to be made out of leather." "Lucky for you!" "CHELSEA:" "Come on, Skipper." "Charlie?" "I'm sorry to drop in like this." "I just really needed to see you." "Okay, what's going on?" "Uh, well..." "Uh, why don't we go in the other room and leave these two alone?" "Fine, fine." "There's no law that says we can't order the area rug later and get two club chairs." "You see, right there." "That's why I love you." "What are you doing here?" "Okay, well," "I don't know how to say this, except just to say it." "I still love you very much, and I miss you like crazy." "I miss you too, Charlie." "Then what are we doing?" "Taking some time to figure out if we're meant to be together." "And how the hell are we supposed to do that?" "I don't know." "I guess we should start dating other people." "What?" "!" "I'm not ready to see other people." "I don't know that I am either, but I think we have to try." "Chelsea, I can't even think about dating right now." "Can I tell you something" "I've learned about myself since we split up?" "Sure, but first, marry me." "No." "Okay, just checking." "Probably some legal complications, anyway." "What?" "Nothing, nothing." "Go ahead." "I've learned that I shouldn't have tried to change you." "What you need is someone who loves you for you." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "I need to be changed." "There's something seriously wrong with me." "Please, Chelsea, take me back and turn me into someone else." "That wasn't a very good argument, was it?" "Nope." "Well, that's the best I got." "Okay, I guess I should get going." "I'm really sorry." "That's all right." "Say goodbye to your dad for me." "I will." "They're a really cute couple." "I guess." "It's a little weird for me." "Well sure, you're probably used to seeing your dad with your mom and not a big, handsome black guy." "He is handsome." "Hey, Chels..." "I just want you to know that if by chance you should do something crazy and stupid like running off and marrying some stranger," "I would forgive you and take you back with open arms." "Good to know." "Seriously, I wouldn't hold it against you at all." "Thank you." "All right then." "Good-bye." "Bye." "TOM (giggling):" "Stop it, Ed!" "Your beard tickles!" "Come on, Skipper, time for another walk." "Uh, Charlie, we've got a little problem." "What's up?" "This is Besty's husband." "Hello." "Want to catch me up?" "Really?" "Calling him Betsy's husband didn't do the trick?" "I don't understand." "She never said anything about being married." "She never does." "This has happened before?" "Oh, yes." "Any time I find her wedding ring inside her empty diaphragm case," "I know she's off on one of her little adventures." "I don't believe this." "Why do you put up with it?" "Hey, look at me." "I'd rather share a girl like Betsy than have an exclusive relationship with a box of old porn magazines." "I hear you." "That would be sad." "BETSY:" "Hey, baby." "Hey." "Hey." "Charlie, I'm really sorry." "I was less than honest with you." "Sure, let's call it less than honest." "I did enjoy our honeymoon." "Me, too." "We stayed at Bellagio." "Nice!" "We should go." "Bye." "Bye." "I'll make it up to you in the car." "Oh, Betsy, I'm the luckiest guy in the world." "How about that?" "I guess I'm not married." "I guess not." "You know what that means." "Going back to church?" "That means I just got three days of unbelievable sex with no obligations and no commitment." "Please don't make me slap you again." "Nah, go ahead." "I think I got one more coming." "That's all right." "I'm happy that things worked out for you." "Again." "Thanks." "Oh, hey, did I tell you I won 18 grand in Vegas?" "(loud smacking) CHARLIE:" "Ouch!"