"[Airplane Passing Overhead]" "You fellas look like walking advertisements for rigor mortis." " You feeling all right?" " If only I had the strength to drop dead." "Ifyou two would stop carousing all night..." "Foryour information, Margaret, we went to bed at 1 0:00 last night." "And at 1 0:1 5, 1 0:30" " What areyou talking about?" " Charles snores!" "Wewould have gotten better sleep at the front." " good morning!" " I wouldn't bring that up for a vote, ifl wereyou." "Not unless you want to see a show offists." "For the sake of our sanity, which is iffy at best... why don'tyou go sleep someplace else tonight?" " Howabout the V.I.." "P. Tent?" " Sory, boys." "That room's got the ocupado sign out for my son-in-law tonight." "Your son-in-law's coming here?" "Who booked his trip, the Marquis De Sade Travel Agency?" "Nope." "He's here on a business trip." "And if Klinger gets the last ofthe red tape tied up, he'll be here today." " [ Chuckling ]" " What's so funny about that?" "Oh, I was just thinking." "Charles Emerson Winchester III snores." " [Continues Laughing]" " No, Charles does not snore." "Since I have never snored in my entire life, whywould I start all of a sudden?" "If, of course, I had." "Which, of course, I haven't." "good news, Colonel." ""I" Corps just cleared your son-in-law." "Hot po-taters." "When'll he be here?" "He's wrapping up a little business in Seoul." "He should make it by lunchtime." "Isn't that nice?" "I can'twait to meet him." " What kind ofbusiness is he in?" " Import gifts." "You know, little doodads that sort of sit around the house and look cute." "No doubt the sort of rare treasures displayed... at the gift counters offiner gas stations everywhere." "Oh, stuffit, Winchester." "Anyway, his company opened up a branch in Tokyo." "Somebody had to come out and check the new corporate digs." "So Bob pulled some strings to get to Seoul... and I pulled some more strings to get him here... and now ifyou'll excuse me, I'm gonna get myselfspruced up." "I'll get the V.I.P. Tent ready, sir." "geez, you guys look awful." "You really ought to get some sleep." "We were up all night listening to a kazoo concert." "Boy, how come I always hear about special stuff after it's too late?" " [Knocking]" " Coming." " Oh, it's you." " Oh, sory to disappoint you, sir." "I just thought you might be wanting your afternoon son-in-law." " Bobby!" " Hey, Pop." "It's great to seeya." "Oh, you lookwonderful." "Klinger, why don'tyou take Bob's stuff over to the V.I.P. Tent." " I'll show him the way later." " Yes, sir." "It will be an honor and privilege to cary civilian clothes." "Look atyou." "You're spiffier than a petunia in a patch of chiggerweed." "You look pretty terrificyourself." "You know, I always told Mildred, "You keep an eye on that boy." "He's gonna be somebody one ofthese days."" "I seem to remember something in there about hell freezing over." "[ Laughs ] Well... that was a long time ago, and we've both done a lot of growing up." "Here." "I got a present foryou, Pop." "Figured it'd be a handsome addition to yourZane grey libray." "Oh." "I picked 'em up at our factoy in Seoul." "We make all sorts of brass knickknacks there... mostly out of melted-down shell casings." "It's too bad they can't skip the middleman... make the knickknacks and throw away the bullets." "Thanks, Son." "That's vey thoughtful ofyou." "Sit down." "Oh." "I've got something foryou too." "Somewhere around here." "Oh, you didn't have to get me a present, Pop." "I swear it's someplace here, and I knowyou're gonna love it." "It's a little hand-carved picture frame that the local folks make... and I put a snapshot in it ofthe whole family." "Thought it might keepyou from getting lonesome when you're on the road." "gee." "That sounds great." "Thanks." "Uh, I probably stuck it in my office someplace." "Well, don't wory." "I'll find it beforeyou leave." "So, you're enjoying your trip?" "Yeah." "It's been interesting." "But I'm kinda tired." "I was gonna giveyou a tour ofthe camp right off... but it isn't going anywhere, so why don'tyou take a little nap first?" " gee, thanks." " Come on." "I'll showyou your bunkhouse." "Unfortunately, there's more bunk than house." "Eh" " Pardon." "Please be sure to change Private grotowski's dressing evey four ho- [ Sneezes ]" " Bless you." " Charles, you sneezed." " That's right." "You did." "You sneezed." " gentlemen, how astute." "Youryears of medical schooling have not gone to waste after all." " Flowers." " An allergy." "That could be causing your snoring." " Where did these come from?" " I picked them this morning." "They're blooming all over." " Areyou having trouble breathing?" " Actually" "That could be why he's never snored before." "Just take an antihistamine until the flower season is over." "gentlemen and Margaret, as a physician, I'm fully aware... that the pollen can cause allergic reactions... which, in certain circumstances, can lead to snoring." " However, in this case, that cannot be the case." " [ Margaret ] Why not?" " Because I do not snore!" " Charles, what is the big deal about admitting it?" "A lot of people snore." "A lot of people dribble soup and vote for Democrats." "Hey, Doc, you snore?" "Did you ever ty sleepin' on your stomach?" "[ groans ]" "## [ Ragtime ]" "Well, here's toyou, Son." "Huh?" "Who's in Tucson?" "Pierce, ifyou're so dog tired, why don't you go back to the Swamp and sleep?" "I'd rather sleep here." "It's quieter." "I'll never forget when Evy first started bringing Bob around." " Which was easier than bringing you two around." " Sory, Colonel." "He came to the house one night all gussied up in a new suit." "He was friendly." "He was polite." "Called me sir." "I didn't buy it for a minute." "I figured any man with all that sugar-coatin' had to be a pill." "You know what's funny?" "I wasn't too crazy aboutyou back then either." "Really?" "[ Laughs ]" "Ain't that a hoot?" "Whywas that?" "I don't know." "I just thought you were kind of grumpy." "[ Laughing ] He thoughtyou were kind of grumpy." " Nowyou wake up." " Hmm?" "You'll have to excuse these two." "They're themselves today." "Sory, Bob." "But there's an ill wind blowing all night in our tent." " Listen." "What doyou say we go back to the Swamp?" " Huh?" "What for?" "Maybe that ill wind can blow us some good." "Come on." " Come on." " good night." "Just as well." "We'll have a chance to be alone." "I don't know ifl ever told you this." "Knowing me, probably not." "My first instincts aboutyou- dead wrong." "I think Evy got a damned fine husband... and I got myself a good friend." "Thanks, Pop." "Anyway, I, uh" "It's getting kind oflate." "I think I'd like to turn in." "Already?" "Didn'tyou catch a nap this afternoon?" "I guess I'm just tired from all this traveling." "I know how that is." "We'll put a bookmark here and pick up where we left offtomorrow." " good night, Son." " good night." "[ Snoring ]" "[ Charles Snoring On Tape ]" "Wha-What is that infernal noise?" " [ Loud Snoring ]" " You mean this tape recording ofyou not snoring?" "Pierce, any idiot can make snoring noises into a tape recorder." "Charles!" "Those flowers are only gonna be blooming for a little while." "When they're gone, your allergywill be gone." "All we're asking is thatyou go somewhere else for a couple of nights... and let us get some sleep!" "Me?" "Let's talkyou." "You're the ones with the problem." "You go somewhere else!" "I'd be more than happy to suggest a place." "We live here." "We don't snore." "And we're not going anywhere!" "Probably the only three things we will ever have in common." "Now, ifyou'll excuse me." "This conversation is putting me to sleep." " [Hawkeye ] Charles- - good night." "Ah." "[Phone Rings ]" "MASH 4077." "Uh, no, Sparky." "This is not "Fur Face." It's Colonel Potter." "Come on, at ease." "Now, anything I can do forya?" "What does the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo want with us?" "All right." "Put him through." "Hello." "Yes, this is the 4077." "What can I do forya?" "Robert Wilson?" "Yes, you can reach him here." "What doyou mean, his wife left a silk nightgown in the hotel room?" "What wife?" "He registered with Mrs. Wilson?" "This Robert Wilson, was he with the Rapahanak Import Company?" "I see." "No." "Uh... that won't be necessay." "I'm sure Mrs. Wilson can get a new nightgown." "You know, Evy and I took Stuart to the horse show over in Dy Fork last month." "Ever since then it seems like the onlyword he knows is pony." "Is that so?" "Yeah." "I don't thinkwe're gonna have any peace until we buy him one." "Evy says we should wait until he's older, but seems to me that it's never too soon." " What doyou think?" " That's up toyou." "I think it'd be good for the whole family." "Lord knows Evy could use the exercise." "Maybe she doesn't have time to keep her girlish figure anymore... because she's so busy cooking your meals, cleaning your house... and taking care ofyour child." "Hey, Dad, don't get me wrong." "She's terrific." "You're damn right she is." "Well, uh, it's gettin' kind oflate." "I'm gonna go wash up for dinner." "You coming?" "No." "I'm not all that hungy." "You go ahead." "Okay." " Seeya later." " Okay." "[Knocking]" "Come in." "Excuse me, Padre." "I hope I'm not disturbing you." "Well, I was working on Sunday's sermon." "But I could use a break." "I wanted to talk about, uh- about the personal belongings inventoy..." " ofthe wounded in post-op." " Oh." "I'm sory." "I was planning to bring it by first thing in the morning." "I didn't know there was any rush." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "That looks fine to me." "You sure do have nice handwriting, Padre." "Well, thankyou." "I'll certainly sleep better knowing that." "Colonel, by any chance... was there something else you wanted to talk to me about?" "Sinceyou bring it up, there is." "Uh, come Sunday morning... it might not be a bad idea... ifyou put away all that baloney about the one-legged man and the wheelbarrow... and preach some good, old-fashioned values." "You could start with a refresher course on the Ten Commandments." "Hmm." "Something tells meyou have a particular favorite." "You bet I do." "Earlier today, I found out that while my son-in-law was in Tokyo on business... he had himself- uh... a rendezvous." " With a woman." " No, with a plate ofturnip greens!" "I'm sory, Padre." "It's notyour fault my daughter married a jackass." "This... rendezvous." "Uh, areyou sure it took place?" "I got a call from the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo." "They said Mrs. Wilson had left her fancy silk nightgown there." "Mrs. Wilson right now is back home in Missouri... slaving over a hot stove, cooking dinner for my grandson." "Oh, dear." "Who knows how long this kind ofthing has been going on?" "This is just one I happened to catch." "I should have gone with my first instinct- this boy is a two-faced scoundrel!" " Where areyou going?" " To call Evy." "I'm not going to sit by and watch her be made a fool of." "Now, Colonel, beforeyou do anything you might end up regretting... why don'tyou just take a moment to calm down and think this over?" "Perhaps you should talk toyour son-in-law about it." "Whose side areyou on?" "I thought adultey earned an express ride right downstairs." "Look, I'm not condoning what he did." "But I've lived in a war zone for a long time now... and I've seen the sixth commandment take quite a beating." "It doesn't necessarily mean the end ofa good marriage." "We're not talking about some lonely soldier who's been stuck over here for a year." "This is a traveling salesman who's only been away for one week!" "And it's not some armywife I never met." "It's my daughter!" " [Knocking]" " Come in." "good evening, uh, Fath- I" " I was just passing by, saw the light on." " Uh, you busy?" " Oh, that's all right, Major." " I'm on a break." " Oh." "Veywell." "I see." "Uh" "Well, Father, as you know, I'm not a religious man." "However, something has been bothering me." "And as there's nobody here who'd be much better..." "I've chosen to bring the problem toyou." "Oh." "Thankyou, Major." "Your confidence in me is an inspiration." "Uh, well, what is it?" "See, Father- [ Clears Throat ] there is the slightest possibilitythat I am not... a true Winchester." "You mean you may be adopted?" "Oh, my goodness." "No, no." "Much worse than that." "Uh, I'm afraid there is the possibility- slim though it be- that I- [ Whimpers ] snore." "Snore." "Oh. good heavens, Major." "What... courage it took to admit that." "Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand." "See, all my life, I have harbored a secret dread... that I may not be worthy of my name... that I'm not good enough to be a Winchester." "What if all this malarkey is true... that I do snore..." "like a common factoyworker?" "What ifthat's just the tip ofthe iceberg?" "What ifthere are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface?" "Today... snoring." "Tomorrow, sitting in front ofa TV with a cold brew... watching roller derby?" "What if- perish the thought" "I am actually the same as eveybody else?" "I couldn't live with that." "Well, Major..." "I certainly am glad you've confided in me." "This shows me a dimension ofyou... that I had never fully appreciated." " Well, thankyou, Father." " Speaking as one whose ancestors... were factoyworkers... and who likes roller derby and a good brew... do I understand you to say that ifyou can't be better than me... then there's no point in living?" "Well, don't take it personally, Father." "Why should I take it personally?" "By the way, did I ever tell you about the time..." " I was thrown out of the seminay dorm for snoring?" " Uh" "The truth ofthe matter is you're not superior to any of us..." " whetheryou snore or not." " Shh!" "And at times like this, I'm not even sureyou're equal." "Now, ifyou'll excuse me, I have more important things to wory about than your snoring!" "I didn't say I snored, merely that I was accused ofit." "Major, your attitude gives me the willies!" "This is certainly the last time I ever come toyou with a serious problem." "I'm still waiting forthe first time!" "Thanks, operator." "Hello." "Thatyou, Evy?" "It's your dad, honey." "How areya?" "No, no." "I'm fine." "I just needed to talk toyou about something." "No." "Bob's fine too." "He's-Well, he's asleep right now." "Well, he would have been here with me, but wouldn'tyou know it... by the time the operator finally got through, he had turned in." "Just tuckered out from all that traveling', I suppose." "Evy, uh, I was wondering." "Is eveything okaywith you and Bob?" "Well, that's good." "Oh, it's just that he was telling me about some flap... over a- a pony for Stuart." "Oh." "Well, must have misunderstood then." "Well, I just wantyou to know that" "I think a pony's a wonderful idea." "Wouldn't hurtyou to get some exercise too." "And tell Stuart I have a saddle for him when he gets bigger." "Yeah." "I'll be sure to tell him." "Yeah." "He" " He really misses both ofyou too." "Well, I'd better go." "What?" "Oh, nothin', really." "Uh,just that" "I loveyou." "Yeah." "That's all." "give Stu a big hug for me." "Okay, honey." "Bye-bye." "[Snoring]" "[SnoringStops ]" "[Snoring Continues ]" " E" " Wh" " What?" " Charles!" "Oh, no, you don't." "I am sick and tired of playing this game." "Once and for all, I do not snore!" "[ Voices ] Oh,yes,you do!" "We can hearyou all the way over in post-op!" "Actually, I'm impressed." "Even my schnoz couldn't honk that loud." "You are giving our position away to the enemy!" " Now areyou convinced?" " Huh?" "gentlemen, the fact that I am leaving... is in no way an indication... that I am dignifying this stupiditywith a response... but merelythat I am sick and tired... ofbeing subjected toyour pubescentwhims." "I don't carewhyyou're leaving as long as you're leaving!" " go suck a grenade!" " Yeah!" "[ Laughs ]" "Major, haveyou tried sleeping" "Oneword about my stomach, and you'll be busted- firstyour rank, then your knees." "And good night toyou, sir." " [Knocking]" " Come in." " Morning." " How areya, Pop?" "Yourjeep's outside." "Thought I'd seeya off." "Hey, thanks." "Well, guess I'm all set to go." "Bob, uh, can you spare a moment to talk?" "Oh, uh" " Sure." "Uh" "Sit down." "I got a little stoy I think maybeyou should hear." "It's something I've never told anybody before." "Happened a long time ago." "I was just finishing up my residency... and I was about to start my first job at the VA. in Springfield." "Mildred went ahead to set up housekeeping... and I stayed behind in St. Louis." "One night, I was comin' off a real late shift... and there was this nurse who had been workin' with me." "Well, we were both hungy... and the thought ofhaving a little something to eat together... certainly seemed harmless enough at the time." "After that, she suggested... a nightcap at her place." "And, well... things got a little friendlier... than they should have." "When I caught up with Mildred..." "I felt so bad..." "I couldn't look her in the face for a week." "She never let on she suspected anything... but... somehow I always felt maybe... she sensed what had happened." "Took me a long time to get over it." "And I decided I neverwanted to live with that kind of guilt again." "There isn't much that can makeya feel worse... than betraying the love ofa good woman." "How'd you know?" "That's not important." "The thing is, no matter how well you keep a secret... there'll always be one person who knows- you." "I never meant for it to happen." "We met on the plane." "We had a couple of drinks together... and it" "She started flirting with me, and before I knew it" "I've been feeling like dirt ever since." "Nothing like this has ever happened before... ifthat'll makeyou feel any better." "How I feel about it isn't what matters." "I really love Evy." "And I love Stuart." "And I would never do anything to hurt them." "I never meant to hurt you either." "I would give anything ifthis hadn't happened." "Yeah, I know." "I'm surprised you didn't tear me limb from limb." "Came this close." "But, well..." "I realized there was no sense in ruining three people's lives... over one slipup." "We all do things we could kick ourselves for." "Thanks, Pop." "Here." "I" " I finally found this." "It's lovely." "You sureyou still want me to have it?" "I'm sure." "I just hopeyou'll always be in the picture." "Believe me, Pop, I will." "[Crickets Chirping]" "[B.J.] Toldyayousnored, didn't we?" "You didn't believe it." "got ya on tape." "You didn't listen." "Eh." "You just kept snoring, keepin' us awake." "Haveyou triedsleeping on yourstomach?"