"Uhh!" "Woman:" "Come on, Chip!" "Eh!" "Argh!" "Hohh!" "Eh heh." " All right!" " All right!" "Girl:" "Whoo!" " All right." " Whoo!" "Ha ha ha!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Nice." "Wow, the way you two play, we are a cinch to win the Tetherball Amateur Tournament." "Uh, no, Kimberlee." "That's the T.A.T." "This is the "Tetherball Invitational Tournament."" "Oh." "People always confuse tit for tat." "All I know is this should be the biggest T.I.T. Ever." "And don't forget about the pair ofT.I.T. S we already have." "Yeah." "Ha ha!" "Man:" "Help!" "Help!" "Help me!" "Somebody help me!" "Aah!" "I'm drowning!" "Man going down!" "I'm coming!" "I'm coming!" "Help!" "Help!" "Somebody help me!" "Ah!" "Help!" "[Gasp]" "I got him!" "I got him!" "All right!" "All right!" "I got him." "B.J., where's the rest of him?" "Huh?" "[Gasp]" "Announcer:" "No implants were harmed during the filming of Son of the Beach." "I've blown a lot of things in my life, but never a save." "B.J., the man is alive and well." "Only after you saved him." "You've got to get your mind off it." "Let's try again." "Why didn't you save me?" "!" "I almost died!" "Aah..." " [Whap]" " Ooh!" "Liebchen, I know you're upset, but I need you in top form to win the tournament." "Forget it, Chip." "I'm a loser." "B.J., can I see you for a minute?" "Have a seat." "B.J., even I once blew a save." "Really?" "Stand up, would you?" "A man fell off a boat." "I swam out to save him... but I didn't get there in time." "But this story has a happy ending because that man was a personal injury attorney." "So nobody really cared." "Thanks, but it doesn't make the pain go away." "Oh!" "Notch... give her a little time." "I know." "I just really need to go to the bathroom." "Oh." "Anybody home?" "Well, if it isn't the mayor of Beverly Hills adjacent..." "Edward James Almost." "I'm still waiting for that call from, uh... let's see..." "last year." "Oh, come on, Anita, we got carried away." "You know how those adjacent cities conventions are." "Well, I'll get my revenge when my team kicks your team's ass in tetherball." "Ooh... you seem cocky." "I am the one with 2 blue balls." "T.I.T. Champs 2 years in a row." "It's a new year, and I've got a new team." "Want to make it interesting?" "Ooh, a bet." "But not for money." "The loser has to perform an embarrassing act in public, determined by the winner." "Why would we want to do that?" "Listen, Almost... nobody takes Anita Massengil to bed, makes her dress like a Catholic school girl, and then doesn't call." "I want you to be as humiliated as I was." "Well, I am so confident in my team," "I'll take that bet." "Has this little exchange turned you on as much as it has me?" "Mount me, Monsignor." "Bless you, my child." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Thanks." "B.J. Cummings, is that you?" "Tiffany Amber, I haven't seen you since spokesmodel college." "These days I go by the name Vega, and I'm not a spokesmodel anymore." "But you were so successful in those moist and fresh feminine hygiene commercials." "I know, but one day, it all dried up." "I'm so sorry." "Don't be." "I turned my life around." "I wish that could happen to me." "What's wrong?" "I thought you were doing great as a lifeguard." "I was till about a half hour ago." "I blew a save." "And now I feel worthless, like there's this..." "hole in me." "When I was down, I met this spiritual man who changed my life." "Hey, he's holding a meeting right now." "Do you wanna go?" "Yeah." "Maybe he can fill my hole." "Harken unto me, as Abraham said to Abacus," ""Back awayeth from the lamb..."" "for she is the one to be spared."" "B.J., this is our leader..." "The Divine Rod." "Please, call me Divine." "Tell me, B. J... are you familiar with Scripture?" "I am, but my handwriting's horrible." "I usually print." "B.J., I have been chosen by God to communicate with mortals here on Earth." "Wait a minute." "I think he's calling me now." "God says, "The lifeguard known as B.J. Nearly killed one of my flock." ""All will be forgiven if she devotes her life to Kingdom Come."" "So you see, B.J., the choice is in thine hands." "Understand?" "I think so." "But... who's this guy "thine"?" "Jamaica, I keep telling you." "All you have to do is slap the ball hanging from the pole!" "Yo, if you don't back off," "I will show you how well I slap balls." "Here we... we take care of each other." "We do everything together... shower together, sleep together." "Really?" "Well, what's that like?" "[Indian Music Plays]" "[Woman Sings In Indian Language]" "That sounds wonderful." "I never knew I could be happy in a home that wasn't on wheels." "But why are there cameras all over?" "We protect ourselves with those cameras, and those guns." "Will ya take a look at that rack?" "Uh, tell me, B. J... are you hungry?" "How would you like... a nice, warm muffin?" "Mmm!" "I love eating muffins." "Mmm!" "Mmm." "Eh heh heh." "Shut up, fool!" "Shut up, fool!" "I ain't down with your game no more." "You can take your ball and your pole and shove it up your..." "[Whistle Blows]" "Knock it off, you two!" "We got a real problem." "B.J.'s missing." "We've looked everywhere." "She hasn't even been back to her trailer." "Shut your cakeholes, everyone." "Look who's coming this way." "[Sighs]" "Where have you been, B.J.?" "My name is no longer B.J." "It's Milky Way." "Milky Way?" "Like the nougat and caramel-filled chocolate treat?" "No." "I'm a member of Kingdom Come, where we're all named after stars." "This is my sister Vega... and this is Big Dipper." "So, B. J..." "I mean..." "Milky Way, will your new sisters be staying to watch tetherball practice?" "No." "I'm going to be living in a different universe." "You sound crazy, girl." "Are you on the pipe?" "B.J., let's talk." "[Whap]" "Ow." "See, Milky Way, they don't want you to be happy." "You should really join." "All pleasure, no pain, and really great muffins." "Did you see the glazed look in her eyes?" "I think B.J.'s joined a cult." "She could be in for life." "With one of those punk-ass brothers who make 'em trip on that funked-up Kool-Aid." "Ja.!" "Or make them wear brown shirts and obey satellite nations." "Not so fast." "B.J. Cummings is not joining a cult." "I don't care if it's the Moonies, the Hare Krishnas, or L. Ron what's-his-name, the guy who wrote Diuretics." "She's a part of our family, and she's never, ever leaving!" "Never!" "Ever!" "I want my B.J.!" "I want my B.J.!" " I want my B.J.!" " Guys!" "Guys, guys, guys, I hate to tell you this, but B.J. Is a lifeguard." " Aw!" " Come on!" "Notch, now, I've done a little digging." "Listen to this..." ""The Divine Rod, whose real name is Rod Petrie," ""is a Vietnam vet turned postal worker, turned day trader" ""and was originally the fourth dog in the group Three Dog Night."" "Three Dog Night?" "I love those guys." "Anywho... the name of this guy's cult is Kingdom Come, but it's not really a cult." "It's a triple X-rated pornographic website, where viewers pay to watch the girls bathe and shower and have sex with this Divine Rod." "Oh, good golly!" "Look what they're doing now!" "Notch, they're eating muffins." "Huh?" "Oh, right, yeah." "Muffins." "Hmm... you know, cults sometimes put mind-controlling drugs in the food." "Hey, look!" "We accept Visa, Mastercard, and fun-pack value coupons." "Aw, damn it!" "I feel so helpless." "All she wanted to be was a virgin for her husband, to keep her precious hymen intact." "I understand." "Closed for business." "No entry." "The airtight lid sealed for freshness." "Notch." "Kimberlee, somehow we have to find a way to get in there and sniff around." "Hmm..." "I just got an idea." "Oh!" "Ah!" "[Chuckling]" "What's your problem?" "I can't decide what embarrassing thing I'll want you to do." "So, not only did my boyfriend leave me for someone else, he left me for another man." "We'll rake in a fortune the night I bang her on the Internet." "Heh-ho." "[Sobbing]" ""Hark!" As Thelonius said to the monk," ""Thou shalt not lie down with thine own gender" ""or thou will wakest up sore, liked a bruised fruit."" "What does that mean?" "It means that fate took your boyfriend... so that you could serve a higher purpose." "Oh." "And that would be you?" "And Kingdom Come." "Kimberlee, you look hungry." "How about a nice, warm muffin?" "Oh... ooh..." "that looks good." "Mmm..." "Tasty, too." "Would you mind if I used your bathroom?" "All that bran." "Oh!" "Oh." "Oh, thank you." "[Chuckles]" "[Alarm Sounds]" "Big Dipper, go and get her." "She came out through the bathroom window." "[Gasp]" "Oh." " Aah!" " [Rip]" "Uhh!" "Arrr!" " Aah!" " Ooh!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Rah!" "Ooh!" "Arrrr!" "Uhh!" "Ra-a-a-ah!" "Ah!" " [Whack]" " Ow!" "Ohh!" "Ha ha!" "Nice work, Kimberlee." "But something about you is different." "It's probably the mud." "Oh." "But look, this is what Rod's using to drug the girls." "Now, if we can find out what's in these, maybe we can stop him." "Of course." "I've got it." "Kimberlee, there's only one person who can analyze stuff like nobody's business." "Professor Milosevic?" "[Ding]" "[Computer Voice] I am proud to announce" "I have finally come out of the closet." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Ha ha... whew..." "Announcer:" "Welcome to the Tetherball Invitational Tournament." "Players from all over the world have brought their tethered balls to Malibu adjacent." "Here's the team from France." "Here's team Micronesia." "And from the state of Idaho." "We have to hurry!" "B.J.'s going to be deflowered in 2 hours." "Can we do anything to help you?" "Kimberlee, to conduct an accurate analysis," "I will need to eat your muffin." "But, Professor, you hardly know her." "Notch, I'm talking about the pastry she has in her pants." "Here it is." "Place it in the food absorption bag on the back of my chair." " [Alarm Sounds] - [Gasp]" "No!" "No!" "Wrong bag!" "[Recorded Voice] Step away from the bag!" "Trust me, you don't want to open that one unless you want to brown-bag it." "Ha ha ha ha." "Announcer:" "Finally, from Malibu adjacent," "Chip Rommel and last-minute substitution," "Jamaica St. Croix." " Crowd:" "Aw!" " Oh, no." "Yeah!" "[Scattered, Faint Applause]" "Well?" "It seems this muffin is loaded with ethyl dioxychloride." "Scientifically, how would this affect someone?" "It would make them really horny." "Well, Doc, do you have an anecdote?" "Gladly." "A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went into a bar and asked for..." "No." "No, no, no, no." "Not an anecdote." "An antidote." "Oh, why didn't you say so?" "[Chanting] We are one." "[Chanting] We are one." "We are one." "We are one." "We are one." "We are one." "We are one." "Even against Micronesia," "Chip Rommel and Jamaica St. Croix are coming up short." "We are one." "We are one." "We are one." "That's far enough, cult leader!" "Shooh shooh shooh shooh shooh!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "I'm gonna get you." "Kimberlee, he's got a gun!" "Ah!" "That's it, Milky Way." "Shoot him." "Shoot him!" "Beej, it's me..." "Notch, your friend." "Remember B.J. And Johnson... they go together." "Don't listen to him." "Shoot him!" "B.J., you look tired." "How about some nice, cold water?" "Ooh..." "What are you waiting for?" "Shoot him!" "Ahh." "Oh, I will obey." "And by the way, Rod, the name's B.J." "Ha ha!" "All right!" "Welcome back, B.J." "No, Milky Way, you're just confused." "Now I remember." "I came to you because I felt lost." "I trusted you to help me!" "But instead, you wanted to break my seal." "B.J., shooting Rod won't get you anything but life behind bars." "Yeah, in one of those female prisons with a really butch head guard who has a lot of facial hair and carries a billy club." " Notch." " She'll use that billy club on ya, and when you go to the warden, she'll say you fell off your bicycle." " Notch!" "Notch!" " And if that's not enough..." "[Sobbing] Notch... he didn't..." "Rod didn't..." "No." "No, he didn't." "Nobody messed with Mr. In-Between." "Yeah." "Well, I would've, if it weren't for you pesky lifeguards!" "Announcer:" "Malibu adjacent is down 14 to zero." "It looks like Beverly Hills adjacent will be holding that blue ball in their hands very soon." "Anita, you will be a laughingstock when you see what I've got planned for you." "Johnson, I am about to lose a very embarrassing bet." "Where the hell is B.J.?" "She's right here." " Yay!" " Whoo!" "Announcer:" "B.J. Cummings is in forJamaica St. Croix!" "And just listen to the crowd." "I'm telling you, this girl has quite a cult following." "Oh." "Mmm..." "may I try one?" "Mmm." "Crowd:" "B.J.!" "B.J.!" "B.J.!" "B.J.!" "B.J.!" "B.J.!" "B.J.!" "Mmm!" "Whoo!" "Mmm.!" "Whoo-oo-oo!" "Announcer:" "I have never seen such a comeback in all my years of announcing tetherball." "Because of B.J., this one's sure to be called "The Miracle in Malibu Adjacent."" "Uh-oh." "Yoo-hoo!" "Yip!" "Yahoo!" "R-r-r-r... yeow!" "R-r-r-r... yip-ooh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Gee, and I was just gonna ask her to wear funny shoes." "Yippee!" "Oh, hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "Tonight's show is about hair loss." "You know, humans are always shedding hair and not just from their head." "Many people suffer from the heartbreak of what doctors call a receding pubic hairline." "I admit I'm one of them." "That's why I got together with the folks at Notch Johnson Laboratories to develop the Notch Johnson Big Boy Merkin." "Full, thick, easy-to-clean, and you know something?" "The ladies like it, too." "Hi, Notch." "I love your phony pubic hair." "Thanks, ma'am." "So until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying, "Ride the big one.""