"Good evening, we've got an action-packed evening for you" "Tonight on thames." "But right now, here's a rotten old bbc program." "And now..." "It's..." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "Mr. chairman, friends of the society" "Your dummy royal highness." "Once again" "The year has come full circle" "And for me there can be no greater privilege and honor" "Than to that to which it is my lot" "To have befallen this evening." "There can be no finer honor" "Than to welcome into our midst tonight" "A guest who has not only done" "Only more than not anyone for our society" "But nonetheless, has only done more." "He started in the film industry in 1924;" "He started again in 1946;" "And, finally, in 1963." "He has been dead for four years" "But he has not let that prevent him" "From coming here this evening." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "No welcome could be more heartfelt" "Than that which I have no doubt" "You will all want to join with me in giving" "This great showbiz stiff." "Ladies and gentlemen" "To read the nominations for the "light entertainment" award" "The remains of the late sir alan waddle." "The nominations are:" "Mr. edward heath for "the new suit sketch"..." "Mr. richard baker for "lemon curry"..." "Lemon curry?" "And the third parachute brigade amateur dramatic society" "For "the oscar wilde sketch."" "My congratulations, wilde." "Your latest play is a great success." "The whole of london's talking about you." "There is only one thing in the world" "Worse than being talked about" "And that is not being talked about." "Very, very witty, very, very witty." "There is only one thing in the world" "Worse than being witty, and that is not being witty." "I wish I had said that." "You will, oscar, you will." "Your majesty, have you met james mcneill whistler?" "Yes, we've played squash together." "There is only one thing worse than playing squash together" "And that is playing it by yourself." "I wish I hadn't said that." "You did, oscar, you did." "Well, I've got to get back up the palace." "You majesty is like a big jam doughnut" "With cream on the top." "I beg your pardon?" "Um..." "It... it was one of whistler's." "I never said that." "You did, james, you did." "Well... uh..." "Well, your highness" "What I meant was that, like a doughnut, um..." "Your arrival gives us pleasure" "And your departure only makes us hungry for more." "Your highness, you are also" "Like a stream of bat's piss." "What?" "!" "It is one of wilde's." "It sodding was not!" "It was shaw!" "I..." "I merely meant, your majesty" "That you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark." "Oh..." "Right." "Smart ass." "Right?" "Your majesty is like a dose of clap." "Before you arrive is pleasure" "And after is a pain in the dong." "What?" "!" "One of shaw's. one of" "One of shaw's." "You bastards." "Um... what I meant, your majesty, what I meant..." "We've got him, jim." "Come on, shawy." "Come on, shawy." "I merely meant..." "Come one, shawy!" "Let's have a bit of wit, then, man." "Come on, shawy." "Very amusing, lord campbell" "But would you excuse me a moment?" "I want to powder my nose." "That's better." "Charwoman!" "Yes!" "charwoman!" "Sweeping away the last remnants of male chauvinism" "Polishing off all who dare stand in her way" "And cleaning up in the publishing game." "Yes, all these and more" "As charwoman once again takes to the sky!" "Well, maybe next week." "Ladies and gentlemen" "Seldom can it have been a greater pleasure and privilege" "Than it is for me now to announce that the next award" "Gave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man" "Without whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill" "The british film industry would be today." "I refer, of course, to my friend and colleague, mr. david niven." "Sadly, david niven cannot be with us tonight" "But he has sent his fridge." "This is the fridge" "In which david keeps most of his milk, butter and eggs." "What a typically selfless gesture" "That he should send this fridge, of all of his fridges" "To be with us tonight." "The nominations" "For the "best foreign film director" are:" "Monsieur richard attenborough" "Ricardo de attenbergie" "Rik artenborough" "Ri chard at en bollo" "And pier paolo pasolini." "Before we hear the joint winner" "Let's see the one that came sixth." "Let us see pier paolo pasolini's latest film." "Mmm..." "Mmm..." "Mmm..." "Mmm." "Excuse me." "Ha!" "There's lots of people making love" "But there's no mention" "Of geoff boycott's average." "Who is geoff boycott?" "And in t'film, we get fred titmus." "Si, titmus, si, si..." "The symbol of man's regeneration" "Through radical marxism, fair enough." "But we never once get a chance" "To see him turn his off-breaks" "On that brisbane sticky." "Aye, and what were all that dancing" "Through ray illinworth's innings?" "47 not out, and the bird comes up" "And feeds him some grapes." "And we never saw him declare." "What is declare?" "What's on the other side?" "Nobody could be prouder..." "Um... shall we go down and give blood?" "Oh, I don't want a great bat flapping around my neck." "They don't do it like that!" "They take it from your arm." "I can't give it." "I caught swamp fever in the tropics." "You've never even been to the tropics." "You've never been south of sidcup." "You can catch it off lampposts." "Catch what?" "Oh, I don't know, I'm all confused." "You ought to go and see a psychiatrist." "You're a loony." "You might even need a new brain." "Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain." "Well, you could get one of those curry's brains." "How much are they?" "I don't know." "I'll have a look in the catalogue." "Here we are..." "Battery lights, dynamo lights" "Rear lights..." "Brains-- here we are." "I'm still confused." "Oh, there's a nice one here." "13 and six-- it's one of curry's own brains." "That one looks nice, what's that?" "That's a mudguard!" "It's only eight bob." "Oh, I think it's worth" "The extra five bob for the brain." "I'll give them a ring." "Hello, curry's?" "I'd like to try one of your 13 and sixpenny brains, please." "Yes." "Yes, ye... um..." "Five and a half." "Thank you." "They're sending someone round." "Ooh, that was quick." "Come in." "Uh... hello." "Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi?" "Yes, that's right." "Are you the man from curry's?" "No, I've just come to say that he's on his way." "Would you sign this please?" "Thank you very much." "Ooh..." "Thank you." "Sorry." "Sorry to bother you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "He's just coming now." "Come in." "Here he is." "Hello?" "Hello!" "That's not a proper salesman." "I'm not buying one from him." "He doesn't give you confidence." "He doesn't give me any confidence at all." "He's obviously a dummy." "I'll ring curry's." "Hello, curry's?" "That salesman you sent round is obviously a dummy." "Oh, thank you very much." "They're sending round a real one." "Come in." "Good morning." "Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi?" "Yes, that's right." "Yes, that's right." "Yes, that's right." "All right, rutherford." "I'll take over." "Ooh, that's nice!" "Yes, we sell a lot of these." "Right, shall we try a fitting?" "Oh, do I have to have an operation?" "No, madam, you just strap it on." "Doesn't it go inside my head?" "Oh, not the roadster, madam, no." "You're thinking of the brainette major." "How much is that?" "44 and six." "Oh, no, it's not worth it." "Not with the curry's surgery we use, no, madam." "Now then, the best bet is" "The bertrand russell super silver." "That's a real beauty-- 250 quid plus hospital treatment." "Ooh, that's a lot." "It's color. right." "One, two, three, testing, testing." "Mince pie for me, please." "What did she say that for?" "Quiet, please, it's not adjusted yet." "Oh, I am enjoying this rickshaw ride." "I've been a tory all my life, my life, my life." "Good morning, mr. presley." "How well you look, you look very well." "Our cruising speed is 610 miles per hour." "Well, well, well, boys." "Well, well, ell..." "Hello, hello... dear." "Hello, dear!" "Oh!" "Right." "One, two, three..." "Eight..." "seven..." "Four." "Good." "Oh, she never knew that before." "Quiet, please." "Mrs. zambezi, who wrote the theory of relativity?" "I know, I know!" "Quiet, please." "Einstain, einstone" "Einsteen, einston" "Einstin, einstin..." "einstein." "Good." "Noel einstein." "Right-- that'll be 13 and six, please." "Oh, that's marvelous!" "She can take it off at night" "Unless she wants to read, of course." "And don't ask her too many questions" "Because it'll get hot." "If you do have any trouble" "Here's my card." "Give us a ring." "Give us a ring and either myself or mr. rutherford" "Will come and see you." "Good-bye." "Thank you very much." "Uh... he's gone now." "Uh, shall we, uh..." "Go down and give blood?" "Yes, please, mr. roosevelt" "But try and keep the noise to a minimum." "Oh, that's good." "I'll go and get your coat for you." "I'm quite warm in this stick of celery" "Thank you, senator muskie." "Stapling machine, mr. clarke." "New brain." "Stapling machine, mrs. worral." "Stapling machine, mrs. zambezi." "Are you sure that's working all right?" "Yes, thank you, it's marvelous." "Thank you." "I think if we can win" "One or two of the early primaries" "We could split the urban republican vote wide open." "Um, here we are, then." "Well, being president of the united states" "Is something I shall have to think about." "Blood donors that way, please." "Oh, thank you very much." "Thank you." "What?" "No." "No, I'm sorry, but no." "No, you may not give urine" "Instead of blood." "No, well, I don't care if you want to." "No, there's no such thing as a urine bank." "Please." "No, we have no call for it." "We have quite enough of it" "Without volunteers coming in here donating it." "Just a specimen." "No, we don't want a specimen." "We either want your blood or nothing." "I'll give you some blood if you'll give me..." "What?" "A thing to do some urine in." "No, no, just go away, please." "Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood." "Fine, well, you don't have to-- just go away." "Can I give you some spit?" "No." "Sweat?" "No." "Earwax?" "No." "Look, this is a blood bank." "All we want is blood." "All right, I'll give you some blood." "Where did you get that?" "Today-- it's today's." "What group is it?" "Uh, what groups are there?" "There's "a"..." "It's "a."" "Wait a moment." "It's mine." "This blood's mine." "What are you doing with it?" "I found it." "You stole it out of my body, didn't you?" "!" "No." "No wonder I'm feeling off-col..." "Give that back." "It's mine." "It is not yours-- you stole it." "Never." "Give it back to me." "All right, but only if I can give urine." "Get in the queue." "Good afternoon, and welcome to wife swapping from redcar." "And the big news this afternoon" "Is that the british boy boris rogers has succeeded" "In swapping his nine-stone, welsh-born wife" "For a ford popular and a complete set of dickens." "Well, now, I can see they're ready at the start" "So let's go now over to the start of the 3:30." "And first let's catch up with the latest news of the betting." "Number 12, betty parkinson, seven to four on favorite" "Number 27, mrs. colyer, nine to four" "Five to one, bar those." "And here's the starter, mrs. alec marsh" "And they're off." "And mrs. rogers is the first to show." "There she goes into mr. johnson's" "And mrs. johnson across to mr. colyer" "Followed closely by mrs. casey on the inside." "Mrs. parkinson, number 12, going well there" "Into mr. webster's from the co-op." "Mrs. colyer's making ground fast after a poor start." "She's out of mr. casey's, into mr. parkinson's." "She's a couple of lengths ahead of mrs. johnson" "Who's still not out of mr. casey's." "Mrs. penguin and number eight, mrs. colyer" "These two now at the head of the field" "From mrs. brown, mrs. atkins, mrs. parkinson" "Mrs. warner and mrs. rudd-- all still at mr. philips's." "Mrs. penguin making the running now" "Challenged strongly by mrs. casey." "Mrs. casey coming very fast on the inside." "It's going to be mrs. casey coming from behind." "Now she's making a break on the outside." "Mrs. penguin running..." "and at the line, it's mrs. casey" "Who's got it by a short head" "From mrs. penguin, in second place" "Mrs. parkinson in third, mrs." "rudd, mrs. colyer, mrs. warner" "And there's mrs. griffiths, who's remained unswapped." "Well, a very exciting race there, and I have with me now" "The man who owned and trained the winner, mrs. casey" "Mr. casey." "Well done, jack." "Thank you, john." "Well, were you at all surprised" "About this, jack?" "No, not really, no." "She's been going very well in training" "And at doncaster last week" "And I fancy her very strongly" "For the cheltenham weekend." "Well, thank you very much indeed, jack." "We must leave you now" "Because it's time for the team event." "Hello and a very warm welcome" "From the tower ballroom suite at reading" "Where there's very little in it." "They're neck and neck, crop and grummit, real rack and saddle" "Brick and bucket, horse and tooth" "Cap and thigh, arse over tip" "They're absolutely birds of a feather" "There's not a new pin in it" "You couldn't get a melon between them." "Well, now, everything rests on the formation event" "And here comes the north west with the mambo." "Maestro, take it away, please." "And now it's time for rugby league" "And highlights of this afternoon's game" "Between keighley and hull kingston rovers." "Well, good afternoon" "And as you can see, hull kingston rovers" "Are well in the lead." "It's a scrum down on the 25 of keighley" "Tom colyer with the put in, mrs. colyer to be put." "And there goes his wife into the scrum." "And hull have got the heel against the head." "Doing very nicely with this scrum" "Some very good packing here." "Warrington's picked her up." "Is he going to let her go?" "No, he passes her to carrington." "Well, that was right on the whistle" "Rovers walking it down, winning easily" "By 26 points to two." "Just a reminder that on match of the day tonight" "You can see highlights of two of this afternoon's big games:" "Mrs. robinson v. manchester united" "And southampton v. mr. rogers-- a rather unusual game that." "And here's a late result." "Coventry city, nil, mr. johnson's una, three." "Coventry going down at home there." "Just a little reminder" "That the next sport you can see on bbc 1" "Will be 9:20 on wednesday night" "When wife swapping with coleman comes live from my place." "Till then, good night." "There they go, the credits of the year" "Credits that you and the society voted" "As "the credits that brought the most credit to the society."" "Sadly, the man who designed them cannot be with us tonight" "As he is at home, asleep." "But we are going to wake him up and tell him the good news." "Are you there in bristol, arthur briggs?" "Oh, my god!" "And now for the moment you've all been waiting for." "No, not that moment" "Although that moment is coming in a moment." "The moment I'm talking about is the moment when we present" "The "award for the cast with the most awards" award" "And this year is no exception." "Ladies and gentlemen, will you join me" "And welcome, please" "The winners of this year's mountbatten trophy" "Show business's highest accolade" "The cast of "the dirty vicar" sketch." "Well, now let us see the performances" "Which brought them this award." "Let us see "the dirty vicar" sketch." "Have you seen lady windermere's new carriage, dear?" "Absolutely enchanting!" "Isn't it!" "The new vicar to see you, m'lady." "Ah-- send him in, chivers." "Certainly, m'lady." "Now, how is your tea, dear?" "A little more water, perhaps?" "Thank you." "It's delightful as it is." "The reverend ronald simms, the dirty vicar of st. michael's..." "Hello, hello, hello." "Cor, what a lovely bit of stuff!" "I'd like to get my fingers around those knockers." "How do you find the vicarage?" "I like tits!" "Whoa!" "Oh, vicar!" "Oh, my goodness." "I do beg your pardon." "How dreadful." "My first day in my new parish" "And I completely just lost my head." "So sorry." "Yes-- never mind, never mind." "Chivers, send mary in" "With a new gown, will you?" "Certainly, m'lady." "I do beg your pardon." "I'll help you sit down." "I'm so sorry." "As I was saying" "How do you find the new vicarage?" "Oh-- oh, yes, certainly." "Yes, indeed." "I find the grounds delightful" "And the servants most attentive" "Particularly the little serving maid" "With great, big knockers!" "When she gets going..." "Well, there we are." "Another year has been too soon, alas, ended" "And I think none more than myself" "Can be happier at this time than I am."