"Look, all I'm saying, Susan, is that you're still young." "You're still... attractive." "Ben's gone." "It's time to move on." "Mother, he's only away on a two-week conference." "Morning, Mum." " Morning, darling." " Morning." "Mum, can you take Kenzo to nursery for me?" "I have to pop in the surgery." "I lost a filling on a date last night." "There's a girl who knows how to enjoy herself." "I hope Dad can fit me in." "Janey, he's been away nearly two weeks." " He has?" " You mean you didn't notice?" "I noticed there was a gap on the sofa." " Has the post arrived yet?" " Yes." "There's a couple for a Mr and Mrs Greyling." "I'll take those." "Thanks." "Who are these people?" "We keep getting their post." "Michael?" "Michael!" "Michael!" "These mother-son moments that are so fulfilling." "Well, how about a mother-daughter moment, hm?" "It's not too early to have a drink, is it?" "Well, it wasn't ten minutes ago." "(Tutting and muttering)" "It's totally unacceptable." "That is no way to treat Ben's cotton balls." "Better." "What's up, Roger?" "What's up?" "Look at the place." "It's chaos here." "This new locum has desecrated it." "Well, I suppose." "Still, I brought you something nice for lunch." "I can't eat with the place looking like this." "But it's your favourite, Roger." "Cheese." "Cheese." "Oh, Abi." "I can never stay down for long when I'm with you." "I've put some crisps in as well." "I know you like to slip them in... to a sandwich." " What flavour?" " Prawn." "Ah, that's what I like about you, Roger." "Sometimes you want prawn... and sometimes you want salt and vinegar." "You're an enigma, Roger." "Oh, Abi." "Ahem!" "Oh." "Janey." "I didn't see you there." "Something we can help you with?" "You can stop that for a start." "Actually, I need a filling replaced, Roger." "I'm booked solidly." "I'll see if I can squeeze you in." "No!" "I mean, don't disrupt your schedule, Roger." "I'll just see Dad's locum instead." "You don't want to see him." "He's not half the man your father is." "He can never fill Ben's shoes." "But then what dentist could?" "But he is very handsome." "He has a certain swarthy Mediterranean grace, but er... but it's not the issue here." "Morning, Roger." "Oh, yes..." "We wondered when you were going to roll in." "Morning, Abi." "(Nervous giggling)" "Actually, my first appointment isn't for 20 minutes, Roger, but I'm always prepared to start early." "Is there something I can help you with?" "This is Janey, Ben's daughter." "I was about to replace her filling." "I can take it from here." "Would you take a seat?" "Fine." "But, er..." "I'll be watching you, my friend." "I shall be watching you." "(Nervous giggling)" "Abi... come here." "(Mouths)" " Morning, Michael." " Alfie." "My old buddy." "Old pal." "Great to see you." "I sense I'm about to be embroiled in one of your imaginative capers." "Not at all." "I just need you to change the message on our answering machine." "My heart says yes, but my conscience is screaming no." "Perhaps you should elaborate." "All right." "Look..." "Keep this quiet." "I've sold our address to a family who are desperate to get their kid into the local school." "If you do this for me, Alfie, I'll..." "I won't tell anyone you look at that naked farm girls website." "I look at that site for the tractors." "Fine." "I'll tell them that then." "You win." "What have I got to do?" "Say these words after the beep and everything stays between us." "Who am I supposed to be?" "Mr Greyling. 40-year-old man, desperate to get his kid into a good school." " Hello..." " Ah, there you are, Michael." "Got time for a chat?" " What have you been up to?" " Just the usual." "That makes me nervous for a start." "You had a very similar look on your face when you tried to auction Janey on eBay." "And I'm feeling guilty about tractors." "New boyfriend?" "Don't know yet." "We've only been out twice." "That's once more than Kenzo's father." "True." "But he is gorgeous." "And the things he says..." "You spoke to each other?" "That's more than with Kenzo's father too." " Who is he?" " No." "You'll just criticise." "This is what mothers and daughters should share." "Come on, who is it?" "Tony Bassett." "Dad's locum." "Great." "That's excellent." "See, that was easy, wasn't it?" "You opened up, we shared." "I don't think it's a good idea, but we shared." " What's the problem?" " He's a dentist." "There's something about looking into people's mouths all day that makes them bitter and twisted..." "and dead inside." "Maybe that's just your father." " Just be careful, Janey." " What's the worst that can happen?" "He ties me up with dental floss and spanks me?" "(Doorbell)" "Mrs Harper?" "I'm Lydia Bassett, Tony Bassett's wife." "Wife?" "I didn't know." "But now I do and that's great." "Good for you." " Do you mind if I come in?" " No, not at all." "Please." "Please sit down." "Look, I'm sorry to bother you but I'm really worried about Tony." " Has he been showing up for work?" " Yes." " His work's all right?" " So far as I know." "In fact, the reports I've heard so far have been... very positive." "It's just he's been acting so strangely at home." "Irrational outbursts, distant, grumpy." "Trust me, you can make marriages like that work." "No." "I think it's because he's having one of his affairs again." "Again?" "Between you and me, Mrs Harper, Tony's a ladies' man." "He can't help himself." "He just has this way with women." "Last time it was some young airhead." "I mean, who knows who it is this time?" " Hey, Mum, look at this message." " Later, Janey." "There's someone I'd like you to meet." "This is Mrs Bassett, the wife of Tony Bassett, the locum who you've never met." "Right." "V-Very nice to meet you." " So why do you put up with him?" " I can't help myself." "Once you fall under his spell, it's impossible to resist." "What a complete bastard..." "You must be thinking." "Look..." "I'm sorry to burden you with my problems." "I just wanted you to be aware of what might be going on." "Well, whatever might be going on will definitely stop." "Very soon." "And if we hear of anything, we'll let you know." " Thank you for your kindness." " That's all right." " Bye-bye." " Bye." " He told me he was single." " You've got to do the right thing." " I know." " You do know what the right thing is?" " Of course." " You have to finish it." " I know." " It's just that in the past..." "Mum!" "I'm going to finish it, OK?" "The whole time that woman was here I had the strangest feeling." "Sort of sick to my stomach." "I've never experienced anything like it before." "It's called guilt, Janey." "It's a human emotion." "Mm-hm." "Yes, Mr Greyling." "The postal address is all sorted out." "The school think you live here." "How are you fixed for the entrance exam?" "I offer a range of services from coaching to bussing in another child to sit the exam instead." "There's a prodigy I know in Enfield with an IQ of 208." "Yeah, I know." "Enfield." "But quality costs, Mr Greyling." "We'll talk more later." "Mm." "Bye for now." "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey..." "Can't stop, Mum." "Gotta go." "Sit!" " We have to have a talk, young man." " About what?" "I just want you to know that..." "that I'm here for you." "If there's anything worrying you, anything going on in your life you'd like to share... any problems..." "I'm your mother, you can talk to me." "Did you talk to your mother?" "All right, Michael." "You can go." "I'm really starting to connect with Michael." "We just had a 30-second conversation." "What's that?" "It arrived earlier for Janey." "It's from that man Tony." "Don't open it, Mother." "She'll be sending it back." "Oops!" "Oh, dear." "How did you do that?" "I thought you had arthritis." "Yes, and I've discovered the cure." "I wonder how he knew it's my favourite." "Everything's your favourite as long as it's liquid and lethal." "Hello, darling." "How did he take it?" " Fine." " Fine?" "Janey, please tell me you ditched him." "That is why I went there, Mum." " Honestly." " You didn't do it, did you?" "No." "He started talking to me and he made me feel good about myself." "Janey, he's married." "I know, but somehow that didn't come up." "You have to go back and talk to him." "Go through that again?" "No way." "The guy's a total charmer." "I had a charmer once." "Every time I tried to finish with him, somehow he'd get me back into bed with those three little words." ""Gin and tonic"?" "All right." "If you won't talk to him, I will." "I wouldn't recognise charm." "30 years of being married to your father has taken care of that." "Just give me the information." "An entrance exam for a kid called Oscar Greyling." "How smart do you want him to be?" "Scrape through or pass with flying colours?" " Doesn't matter." " Let's talk money." "I normally pay L30." "Nice talking with you." "Get back to me when you're serious." "Wait a minute. 50." "You really don't know what you've got here, do you?" "I've got kids into Eton and Harrow who couldn't even spell their own name." " OK. 70?" " Getting warmer." "75?" "80?" "All right. 85." "Let's not waste time." "I'm going to write something down on a piece of paper." "You're going to say yes or no." "L100 and a car to the school gates?" "I don't drive." "OK." "Deal." "Hey, kid." "I like you." "You're all right." "You remind me of a younger me." "Mr Bassett?" "I'm Susan Harper, Janey's mother." "I want a word with you." "If you're Janey's mother, I want a word with you." "What?" "I want to thank you." "You've brought up a wonderful daughter." "Well, whatever you said to my wonderful daughter..." "Firstly, you stay away from her." "Secondly, you finish your day's work here, then you pack your bags and go." "And thirdly..." "What's so funny?" "I can see where Janey gets her spirit from." "You must be very proud of her." "She has some very special qualities." "If you hadn't said you were her mother, I'd have guessed." " Really?" " Yeah." " Well, the point is..." " She talks about you all the time." "She was telling the story about her doll, Molly." "Mopsy." "Mopsy." "She had a fever and the only thing she wanted was that doll, but she'd left it at her grandmother's house and you drove across town to get it at two in the morning." " She remembers me doing that?" " Oh, vividly." "It's what any parent would have done, Tony." "You know, Susan." "Hearing all about you from Janey makes me think you're two people inside." "You're an aggressive, protective mother." "Look at the way you've come here to put me in my place." "Then there's another side." "The... caring, vulnerable side." "The side that goes out on a snowy night to get a little girl's doll." "You know, a lot of people don't see that side of me." "Would you like me to go and see him, dear?" "I'm in the mood to be charmed." "I haven't had a good charming since 1978." "That's a nice offer, Mother, but we want him to back off, not stop his heart." "So what are we going to do, Mum?" "Every time we talk to him, he knocks us off our guard." "He's too good." " We'll do what your father would do." " What?" "Absolutely nothing." "He'll soon move on." "Tony will go after anything in a skirt." "It wouldn't be any trouble to go and see him." "(Doorbell)" "Chin up." "Society just isn't ready for girls like us." "Mrs Harper." "Tony's confessed everything." "He's definitely having an affair." " May I come in?" " Of course." "But first you need a hug." "Come in." "Mrs Bassett's found out that her husband is having an affair." "The maddening thing is I've got no idea who the other woman is." " Yes." "That must be maddening." " I don't suppose you know?" "I'm afraid not." "Has he described this woman at all?" "He doesn't need to." "It's always the same type." "Young, slim, brunette... as thick as two short planks." "Well, she can bloody well have him." " I don't think she wants him." " Oh, I think she does." "But you said he'd done this before." "He's never moved out before." "This is serious." "He says he wants to start a new life with her." "No way." "There's no way that's ever going to happen." "She's just being supportive." "Yes." "This is the Greyling household." "Yes, we have put in an application for Oscar at St Anselm's." "I'll make sure my parents are here." "Tomorrow at four." "Fine." "Five, six, seven and... (# Pulsating disco)" "Oh, there she is." " All right, my sweet?" " Yes, thank you, Roger." " Where are you two off to?" " Gloucester Road tube station." " And then where?" " Just Gloucester Road tube station." "We like to watch the mice on the Underground." "Thank goodness you're here." "I need help." "Sorry, Michael." "I've got big plans." " They're going to see the mice." " Of course." "It's Tuesday." "Look, I'm in huge trouble." "I just had a phone call." "The headmistress of St Anselm's is coming round." "She's expecting to meet the Greyling family." "I had a feeling your little caper would backfire." "You'll have to pretend to be the Greylings." "Roger, you're Mr Greyling." "Abi, Mrs Greyling." "Alfie, could you play the weird cousin?" "Well, it's a stretch." "Janey, you're Oscar's other cousin." "Yeah." "What's my motivation?" " 50 quid." " Done." "Who's Oscar?" "Your son." "The kid I'm trying to get into this school." "Oh, did you hear that, Roger?" "We've got ourselves a little baby boy." "(Doorbell)" "Sorry to spring this on you." "I'm Helen Forbes." "Hi." "I'm Michael, Oscar's older brother." "Welcome to our home." "Come in and meet the family." "It's this way." "Mum, Dad, this is Mrs Forbes from St Anselm's." " Please call me Helen." " Hello." " This is my dad, Donald." " Please call me Don." "I'm Mrs Greyling, but you can call me..." "Mrs Greyling." "Hello." "I'm Janey, Oswald's cousin." " Oscar, surely?" " Yes." "That's what I said." "I'm Alfie." "I'm the weird cousin." "Hello, everyone." "I'm Oscar." " This is an extra 30 quid, right?" " Yeah." "How do you do, Oscar?" "I'm pleased to meet you all." "We have had cases of families using false addresses to get their children into our school." "Thunderbolts and lightning!" " The Greylings would never do that, would we?" " Oh, no, Don." "Ah, Auntie Pru." "Oscar's new headmistress has come around to meet the family." "How do you do?" "Would you like a cup of tea or a scone, Auntie Pru?" " Tea, Mother?" " Yes, please, Michael." " Michael..." " Yes, Auntie Pru." "That little chat we never had." "I'd like it now, please." "In the kitchen." "Mrs Greyling, I find it hard to believe you could have a son Michael's age." " She's had a lot of work done." " I'm 37." "Well, you look amazing." " I'm 42." " Yes." "That's about right." "But look at the benefits, Mum." "Gas, water, phone, council tax - all in the Greylings' name." "It's fraud, Michael!" "What would your father say?" "You mean about not having to pay any bills until Oscar's finished his A levels?" "Whoopee, I should think." "Yes." "Well..." "I'm sorry, Michael." "I'm going to have to set that poor woman straight." "And as for you, you little sh... short-arse, you are going to have to face the consequences." "Look on the bright side, Mum." "At least we're talking now." "You'll be a welcome addition to our school." "Well done." "Thank you, Mrs Forbes." "I made my position absolutely clear." "I really gave it to him straight." " You texted him, didn't you?" " Damned right." "The point is I don't think we'll be hearing any more from him." "I don't know what you said to him, Janey, but this is much better than the stuff he sent last time." "Ah, yes." "The '82, yes." "The flinty soil and the warm summer they had that year guaranteed a bouquet that was bursting with ripe berry flavours." "So what are we going to do?" "Just keep it at room temperature." "What's going on inside his head?" "Well, Janey, I've no formal psychiatric training, but it's my view that the icy-cold blast of rejection has turned him from an urbane charmer in the Nigel Havers mould into a bunny-boiling nutter." "So?" "Any ideas on how to get rid of him?" "Well, a woman I know had a similar problem with a chap from her village." "It was a terrible obsession." "He stood outside her window for two weeks, screaming and shouting and gnashing his teeth." " What happened?" " They got married and had me." "I think that is the saddest story I've ever heard." "(Mobile phone)" "Hello." "Tony." "Yes, I got your flowers." "Did you get my text?" "Good." "Yeah, I meant every word." "Well, that's true." "Surely not?" "Yes, but I suppose Paris in the autumn will be lovely." " Oh, stop it, Tony." " Give that to me." "Listen to me, Mr Tony Bassett." "Er..." "Er..." "What?" "Oh, you think so, do you?" "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Good." "Mm-hm." "Yes." "Yes, I understand." "Right." "He just wants a few minutes of our time." "He's coming round for drinks at eight." "Oh, no." "He's done it again." "How does he do that?" "OK." "OK..." "Desperate situations call for desperate measures." " Tony." " Susan." "Thank you so much for..." "No, no, no." "Don't say a word." "Come in." "Let me get you a drink." "Janey will be with you in a second." "Good." "Susan, can I just say..." "No, no, no, no, no." " But I'd just like to..." " No." "Tony." "This must be Kenzo." "He's inherited your big..." "Here." "Can you take him?" "He's got a streaming cold." "Oh, and this." "I'll take that." "You may as well get used to it." "He's always bringing home some disease or another from school." " Even if he has got a cold, he's..." " Sh-sh-sh." "Just relax." "You're going through a hell of a time." "Do you like Westlife?" "No, but I'll tell you who I do like..." "Yes." "Westlife." "Alfie plays their songs all night long." "You'll find out when you move in here with Janey." "Keeps me entertained at 4am." "This one has never slept through the night." " I thought we'd get our own place..." " Tony, Tony, Tony." "You're living with us." "It's all been decided." " Well, that sounds very nice, but..." " Susan, I can't find a corkscrew!" "You had one around your neck." "This is my mother." "She lives here too." "Don't worry." "Only when the pub's shut." "Oh, no." "I just put..." " Isn't he funny?" " I'll get him another one." "# I love Westlife, I think they're cool" " # I love Westlife, they sit on stools... #" " Hello." "Hello, Tony." "You think you see a lot of me at work, wait till we start spending our evenings together." "Oh, yes." "You and I are gonna get real close." "I like taking pictures." " Oh." " Not again." "(Susan) Take a picture of that." "That's so sweet." "Hello, Tone." " Hello, Abi." " Hello, Tone." "Abi, come away." "Watching you." "As a..." "As a dentist, can you prescribe drugs?" "Don't worry about her." "She's got no memory left." "She'll ask you that 50 times a day." "Janey, your family are really lovely, but..." "Aren't they something?" "The good thing is that we'll never be alone." "They're around all the time." "So what do you think?" "When's the wedding?" "Well, er..." "I, um..." "Let's not be too hasty." "We may be taking things a little too quickly." "Perhaps we should give each other a bit of space." "Space?" "Who needs space, Tony?" "We have family." "Now, about those drugs..." "Well done, Mum." "We did it." "And that, Michael, is how you carry off a scam." "Nice doing business with you." "Call me when you need someone to bail you out." "Hey, kid." " Wanna double your money?" " Keep talking." "I've written a number down between one and ten." "You say a number, my number matches yours, I get my money back." "I get it wrong, you double your money." "You're on." "Seven." "I think you have something of mine there." "How did you do that?" "You're good, kid, but while I'm around you'll always be second best."