"Look, all I'm saying is there's no good reality television anymore." "Everything is so scripted." "I wanna see something real." "Well, you could just watch an actual documentary." "What am I, a lesbian?" "That one with the penguins was pretty legit, with Morgan Freeman?" "And, man, that guy can narrate." "I don't care how silky or inspiring his voice is." "I don't wanna see a documentary about penguins." "What if the penguins got hammered off of body shots, formed alliances and had night-vision sex in a hot tub?" "I'm listening." "I'd watch that." "I'm pretty sure penguins wouldn't survive in a hot tub." "I got the promotion." "[EVERYONE CHEERS] I know." "Ha, ha." "You know what else you could do with those penguins?" "You put them all in a loft in Tribeca, give them 48 hours to redecorate the place." "Or we could talk about your thing." "Promotion!" "Ha, ha." "I'm so excited. I get a raise, I get a bigger office, and the best part is, I get an assistant." "Oh, you're gonna love having an assistant." "They do all the boring stuff you don't wanna do, like get your dry cleaning, or buying anniversary presents for your..." "Your mailman." "Oh." "I am just so psyched because I have had such terrible bosses, and now I get to be, like, the cool boss, you know?" "Less #evil Wears Prada, more angel wears business cas." "You should be cool, okay?" "In high school, my boss was such a jerk I used to mess up orders to get back at him." "Al, you worked at a pharmacy." "Don't make me come in on Memorial Day." "Damn." "Don't make this little white girl do nothing." "Don't make me do nothing." "Y'all heard?" "[¶¶¶]" "I'm telling you, penguins in a loft is not gonna work." "I feel like I've seen that before." "Now you replace the penguins with Hassidic Jews and you change the loft to a houseboat, you got a show." "Jews cruise. I like it." "You know who would be the awesomest host?" "Brooke Burns." "Mike Ditka." "Mike Ditka." "All-time winningest Bears head coach, all-time winningest hair." "Pretty sure you can pay him in steak." "All right, ladies, two beers, double shot of tequila." "I didn't order that." "I know." "I just can't keep serving an adult man sangria." "But I like the fruit." "Yeah, you and me are gonna have to work on that." "And fyi, the all-time winningest Bears coach is George Halas, not Mike Ditka." "Heh." "Whoa." "Ho-ho." "That girl's super into you." "Too bad she's not your type." "What?" "I don't have a type." "Come on, bro, you like girly girls." "Tough girls aren't your thing." "I like tough girls." "Real tough." "Men." "You guys saying I can't handle a tough chick?" "Nope Uh-uh." "Uh-uh." "I'm tough. I'm super tough." "[GRUNTS]" "Hi." "Hey." "I was the guy at the table that you brought the..." "Yeah." "Um, I don't know if this is weird, or" "Because I'm a patron and you work here" "Oh, just pull up your skirt and ask me out." "Actually, it's, um, slim-fit jean." "Uh, yeah, let's hang out." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hello." "[CHUCKLES]" "Hey, I just heard about this mid-week spa deal, two for one mani-pedis." "You wanna go tonight?" "Ah, I can't, I have Pilates." "Oh, you meant Jane." "[¶¶¶] I can't go, either. I've got a meeting for my adult literacy organization." "I need to start doing more good, you know?" "Hey, maybe I could help." "Yeah, I don't think you'd like it." "It is a ton of work with the planning and the patiently sitting around waiting for them to sound out even the simplest words." "Ugh, it's" " You're not missing anything, trust me." "Okay." "Well, I guess I'll see you guys later, then." "Thanks for breakfast." "You're welcome." "I know, I know." "That was a crappy thing to do." "It's just that this literacy group is my thing, and Alex always has a way of kind of coming in and stealing all the attention." "In the year AD 89," "Titus Flavius Domitian ordered the construction of the Hypogeum catacombs." "Look at me, Daddy." "I'm Emperor Cloppy Shoes." "WOMAN:" "Look at you!" "Cloppy, cloppy, cloppy, cloppy, cloppy." "MAN:" "Oh, you're adorable, honey." "I've been working on this thing for so long." "The graduation is kind of my time to shine." "I mean, also the readers' time to shine, but me too because I've been working on my emcee jokes and..." "This whole thing is just super important to me." "[snickers] I'm sorry." "I can't stop thinking about your sister's little feet in your dad's shoes." "[laughing]" "Must have been hilarious." "[¶¶¶]" "Hey, Ree-Ree." "Hey, Pee-Pee." "We're gonna need a brainstorming session on my nickname." "Here's your dry cleaning and your new cell phone." "I transferred your personal contacts to your new one." "You can use the old one for work." "This looks complicated." "[CAMERA clicks]" "And I just took a picture of my cleavage." "And, yup, I just emailed it to my stepdad." "[BOTH CHUCKLE]" "Oh, hey, Ree-Ree, one tiny skootch." "It says here on the bill you got $50 cash back?" "Oh, my God, I totally forgot to mention that." "I just used $1 0 for lunch." "I was getting your phone, I didn't have time to go to the bank." "Sorry." "Let me get your change." "Ree-Ree, come on, I'm the cool boss." "I am like Tina Fey, okay?" "And I am totes down with you borrowing a little extra cashish in an emergency." "Oh." "Okay, thanks." "You just pocket that change because I probably would have blown it on rent or groceries." "We got pizza, we got Spo#scenter, and not to go out on a limb here, but that was some pretty dec lovemaking, if I do say so myself." "Am I right?" "Yeah, totally." "It was really, really fine." "So, uh, what's up with all the lacrosse stuff?" "I'm a Division lll women's lacrosse coach." "Then why do you waitress?" "Because I'm a Division lll women's lacrosse coach." "Right." "Cool." "[sighs]" "So when you said before that the lovemaking was fine, did you mean just fine, or did you mean like '90s fine?" "Like "Girl, you so fine."" "[LAUGHS]" "Um, you know, it was good." "I just was hoping next time we could be a little more adventurous." "I mean, haven't you ever had any fantasies?" "Um..." "Well, I have always fantasized about doing it under a waterfall." "Or maybe in the woods, or maybe in a room surrounded by thousands of candles, white, shrouded curtains blowing in from the wind outside." "So you wanna have sex like you're in a Color Me Badd video." "Kind of." "Well, maybe we can play Color Me Badd in the background while we make our own video." "Like a Color Me Badd tribute video." "Oh, you mean a sex tape." "Yeah." "That makes so much more sense." "Yeah." "[CELL PHONE rings]" "Penny keeps pocket-dialing me from her new phone." "PENNY [ON PHONE]:" "¶ #ow will I know Ifhe really loves me?" "¶" "¶ I say prayer with every hea#beat ¶" "[HORNS honking AND PEOPLE yelling] lt's okay." "¶ I fall in love whenever we meet ¶¶" "[HORNS honking AND PEOPLE yelling]" "Oh, that's terrifying." "Yet it's all I wanna listen to ever again." "So graduation Sunday is gearing up to be quite the fun day." "Ha, ha, ha." "Can't wait for our new readers to show off their skills." "Ha, ha." "Food." "Lauren, I have you down for three quiches." "Barbara, two quiches, and Keisha, two hams." "[ALL LAUGH] I know, I know, it's hilarious." "But, uh, all jokes aside, we're counting on those hams." "Ladies, let's all thank Jane for her tireless planning and hard work." "To Jane." "WOMEN:" "To Jane." "Oh, well, I do my best." "Hi, ladies." "Oh, who's this?" "Ahem." "That's Alex, my sister." "What you doing here, Al?" "I was in the middle of my mani-pedi and I realized, you know, "What am I doing with my time?"" "So I went online, and did you guys know that two-thirds of illiterates are women and 98 percent of illiterates come from developing countries and the word "pope" is from the Greek "pappas,"" "which means "father." l'm sorry, I got caught up in a Wikipedia hole, and once it has you, you can't get out. lt's all crazy." "[EVERYONE laughing]" "So what are we doing, y'all?" ""Y'all."" "We were just planning our graduation event for our new readers." "Oh, how fun. I actually had a thought on that too." "What if we served sugar cookies in the shape of letters?" "What do you think?" "No, I don't..." "[WOMEN chattering]" "That's a genius idea." "Yes." "Yes, genius." "Thank you." "[WOMEN chattering AND laughing]" "It's happening again, Brad." "Alex swoops in and everyone falls all over themselves because she says:" ""Oh, hey, I'll make cookies in the shapes of letters."" "That's genius." "Genius?" "Really?" "Come on, babe, you're making too big a deal of this." "Everybody knows your hard work means more than her cookies." "Save me a "B," though." "They're the best." "They all taste the same." "Well, the B is for my name." "okay." "[¶¶¶]" "Dude, I thought we were going to lunch." "Why aren't you dressed?" "Penny didn't turn her phone off all night." "What do you mean?" "I've been listening to her insane life." "Over the past 24 hours I've heard her flirt her way out of a parking ticket, flirt her way into a date with an allergist and have an extremely long and awkward standoff with a quart of Cherry Garcia." "It's the best new reality show, Pro#ect Penny." "Dude, that is so wrong." "I know." "It's also insanely addictive." "And the supporting cast is unbelievable." "I mean, the new fiery Latin assistant, Rita, loyal employee or crazy grifter?" "You be the judge." "She's with her now." "PENNY:" "You wanna take off tomorrow for Ramadan?" "Now there can't be Muslim Mexicans?" "Oh, no, there can. lt's just that you also left early yesterday for the christening of your nephew, Jesus Morales." "Okay, I'm in." "Yeah." "High fives." "No." "All right." "Can I get you a towel, Patrick Ewing, for the free-throw line?" "Yeah, Drippy Longstocking." "Excuse me?" "I can do better." "Guys, I gotta get in shape quick." "The waitress from Rosalita's wants to make a sex tape." "Wow, that is an awesome-- l know!" "Really bad idea." "BRAD:" "You're not good on camera." "Remember journalism class, junior year?" "And in sports, the Cubs played the, uh, San" "Touchdown" " Could I get--?" "Could I get a sandwich?" "I've been on camera plenty of times since then." "Uh, Bull's game, '05, KissCam." "Nailed it." "Okay, if you're gonna do this sex tape, couple things:" "One, make sure she shoots you from the right side because from the left, you look like a troll." "Huh?" "Two, get a tan." "You're pretty white." "You're like the ghost of Tilda Swinton." "Three, I was super serious about that troll thing, and not like a cute doll with the hair troll." "Like "l distract you with a crystal and steal your baby" troll." "Yeah." "Look at it from, like, there." "Eew." "Yep, there it is." "There, it's fine." "Oh, that's fine." "And then there, ooh, jeez." "Tizzly" " Tizzly tip" ""Tizzle-Top-Tufted Mazurka." Top, Mazurka." "You know, my bad." "I shouldn't have picked a book with 85 percent made-up words." "Yeah." "Sorry." "Hi. I'm Alex, Jane's sister." "Hi, I'm Paul." "Very nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Okay, so I gotta run." "So I will see you at graduation?" "Yes." "See you then." "Heh, heh." "Ah." "That is not actually how you spell "see" or "you." Okay, bye, Paul." "Okay." "Can I borrow your mixer?" "Well, you know, you might wanna hold off on the cookies, Al." "After you left, the women were talking and they weren't really into the idea." "What?" "I thought they loved it." "Yeah, but I guess they thought they could be a little confusing to the students too." "I mean, is the cookie a lowercase "L"?" "is it a capital "l"?" "I mean, something like that for a new reader could really set them back." "We can put the little thingies on the I's to clarify." "You know, I don't think this is a serif issue, Al." "I mean, I tried to talk to them, but they were-- l mean, they were really firm on this one." "Wow." "Maybe I just won't come at all, then." "Ooh, that's a bummer, but I totally get it." "You gotta do you." "I can't believe that we made a sex tape." "I know." "You wanna watch it?" "Already?" "Yeah, pop it in." "Okay." "[CAMERA BEEPS]" "DAVE:" "Oh, look, it's me." "I love how you're coming at me here, all confident." "Super cute." "DAVE:" "Thank you." "kim:" "But this is where it all starts to fall apart for me." "Your first kiss is a little sloppy." "You're all over the face, probably because your balance is off." "It's a core strength issue." "See?" "Let's jump ahead to the last two minutes, shall we?" "You have got a ton of raw ability, but your fundamentals are off." "It affects your footwork, your rhythm." "What's happening?" "By the time you get into the red zone, you're exhausted and you're barely paying attention to what the other team is doing at all." "Boom, you miss a major scoring opportunity." "Hmm." "Hey, Ree-Ree, that liquor company we did that event for sent over a few bottles of vodka." "Want one?" "Way ahead of you, Pee-Pee." "I already grabbed a couple." "Wanna try some?" "I'm all set." "It's good stuff." "It's noon." "Ooh." "This is bad, man." "The cool boss thing's not working for her at all." "Ree-Ree's totally taking advantage." "We've gotta text Penny." "We can't." "Then she'll know we've been spying on her." "Plus, if we step in, we're no better than other bad reality shows." "We gotta respect the documentarian's code." "Really?" "So this code you can't break, but the "don't apply for a boat license in my name" code is fair game?" "How am I supposed to rent a boat using your credit card?" "[WOMEN chattering]" "Alex, hi, good to see you." "Oh, is it good to see me, Barbara?" "If that's even your real name?" "Excuse me?" "I can't believe you guys." "I come over here excited to help people and then you pretend to like my ideas, and as soon as I leave, you call them dumb." "Alex, no one said that." "We were all sad when Jane told us you'd be out of town for the graduation, at Epcot." "JANE:" "Time to frost the letter cookies." "Okay, I have A, E, I..." "Oh, you." "[¶¶¶]" "Why would you lie to me, and why would you say I went to Epcot?" "That is so weirdly specific." "I panicked." "Okay, look, Al, I am not proud of my behavior." "I know that it's petty." "It's just I work really hard for a long time on something, it's my thing." "And then you just swoop in at the last second and steal all the attention and everyone goes, "Ooh."" "I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm out of here." "BARBARA:" "Oh." "WOMEN:" "Ooh." "So she broke your sex tape down like it was game film?" "Yeah, and she wasn't super complimentary, either." "Dude, she's a coach." "It's constructive criticism." "Fact:" "Last year, Rockford University's women's lacrosse team, 3 and 27." "This year, 29 and 1 ." "Only difference, new coach, Kim Groff." "She's a winner, dude." "What, I can't Google your lady?" "It sort of sucks, because she's kind of awesome." "She has one little foible." "Foible?" "Who knows?" "Maybe in the end, it'll be a positive." "We can all stand to learn a little bit more about the old bathing suit area." "Of course, by "we all," l mean you guys, because I'm gifted." "You gotta get back on the horse." "The greats don't quit after one bad day." "I mean, did Babe Ruth quit after his sex tape was criticized?" "No, he went right out and made another sex tape." "Hmm." "I know, that guest list was supposed to be sent over two hours ago." "[PHONE lines ringing] I am so sorry." "Could you please hold?" "Rita, where have you been all day?" "I'm slammed." "I had a family emergency." "At the mall?" "PENNY:" "I'm gonna call you right back." "We gotta talk." "Rita, I feel like you're taking advantage of me because I'm the cool boss." "Oh, I get it." "This is because I'm Mexican." "No, this is just" " You know, in a work environment, we both have roles." "Face it, Pee-Pee, you're a racist." "What?" "I can't believe you think...." "Wow." "Rita's going to the white-guilt angle pretty fast." "Yeah, took me years to do that with you guys." "By the way, can I have your TV?" "You know, slavery and whatnot." "I am so not a racist." "I mean, the first guy who felt me up was a Guatemalan." "Ha, ha." "Next you'll be telling me you're not a racist because you have a black friend." "But I do. I do." "We gotta do something." "I mean, I love Pro#ect Penny, but this has gone too far." "Yeah." "Ree-Ree's making Pee-Pee cra-cra." "It's time for her to go downtown." "No." "Uh-uh." "You say the words regular." "I didn't think I'd be seeing you again." "Why, because I was intimidated?" "Because I wasn't." "Let's get physical." "Pop that tape in again, would you?" "Ooh." "Okay." "[TV TURNS ON]" "Wow. I did not realize my calves were so defined, and that is not me." "Oops, wrong Dave." "But while I have it up, you could actually learn something from this guy." "See, he's got an unorthodox wide stance, but that's where all his power comes from." "Oh, you know who you should check out?" "Mm." "Jason, fall 2008." "We were in a pile of leaves, so it's kind of hard to see it, but-- And I'm out." "Rita?" "Too brown." "Rita." "Rita?" "Hmm?" "BRAD:" "Ha, ha, ha." "Rita." "Rita, Rita, Rita." "We know you've been taking advantage of Penny Hartz." "Who are you?" "Company security." "I'm Senior Agent Maxfeld, this is my junior agent, Bradson." "We're actually pretty equal." "It's political." "His dad owns the company, so... I think I've earned it on my own merits." "Plus, it's been harder for me because of my father." "Debatable." "The point is we have evidence of criminal misconduct." "We got cameras, everywhere." "That stapler on your desk, not a camera." "Boom, keeping you guessing." "Where are the cameras?" "Everywhere." "Guys, please, I'll do anything you want." "I'll give back all the money that I stole from the company." "Uh" " Yeah, yeah." "Uh, mon" " Give back the money." "Definitely do that." "But before you definitely do that, we need you to do something else too." "I was wrong." "You're not a racist." "You have Nelson Mandela's heart and Michelle Obama's arms." "Oh." "Heh." "But I'm afraid I'll have to quit." "What?" "Why?" "I don't deserve you." "Neither does that allergist that you're dating." "You're right." "You're the coolest boss I've ever had." "Thank you." "rita:" "Goodbye, Pee-Pee." "PENNY:" "Bye, #ee-#ee." "[¶¶¶]" "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Okay, I gotta ask you something." "Yes, sometimes you like to make yourself the center of attention." "What?" "How did you know that?" "Alex, I've known you for a long time." "I know how you think." "Really?" "Of course not. I talked to Jane." "If I knew how you thought, I'd understand why you bought me this apron with a picture of a monkey standing next to a barbecue pit." "It says "King of the Grill-A." Yeah, I read the apron." "Do I really do that?" "Do I steal attention?" "Let's just say after our wedding, no one was talking about the flowers." "Okay, look, I'm sure deep down Jane knows that you don't intentionally try to steal focus." "Doesn't mean that it hurts her any less." "Yeah." "The word "grill" is in "Grill-A." That's the point." "Shh." "ELLEN:" ""Mr. Mittens realized the black cat chasing him"..." "Seriously, another "Q"?" "How many Quentins are they expecting?" ""and his new best friend."" "That was great, Ellen." "Thank you." "is that a library book?" "No." "Speaking of library books, what is the deal with library fines, huh?" "I'd rather have Ralph Fiennes, right, ladies?" "[laughing]" "[CHUCKLES]" "[CLEARS THROAT]" "All right, next up we have Paul Petley reading IfI #an the #oo by Dr. Seuss." "What if it were written by Dr. Dre instead?" "It wouldn't be Hooked on Phonics, it'd be Hooked on Chronic." "What?" "[BRAD laughing]" "Come on." "All right, Paul Petley, everyone." "Okay." "Actually, I'm not gonna be reading IfI #an the #oo right now." "Instead, I'm gonna be reading a very special letter." ""Dear Jane, you are an amazing person." "I want to be you." "I used to go into your closet when you weren't around and put on your clothes."" "Alrighty." ""You're my sister and I never meant to steal your spotlight." "You set such a high standard." "I've spent my whole life trying to keep up." "You are an extra"-- "Extra"-- "Extraor"..." ""Extraordinary person and the best sister ever." "I love you."" "I am so sorry." "I feel like an idiot." "It's just, I don't know, sometimes I wanna be the one that comes in and makes everyone laugh." "I never should have excluded you." "It's okay." "[whispers] Honestly, I'm not interested in any of this anyway." "Okay, we can talk about that later." "Thanks." "JANE:" "Ah, yeah." "PAUL:" "Thank you." "[MOUTHS] Thank you." "[¶¶¶]" "Whoa, hey." "What's your name?" "Kevin." "Hm." "Then why are you, uh, taking the last "B" cookie, Kevin?" "I'm Brad, and that's my cookie." "Give me that." "Mm." "You should try one of these." "Not today, though." "Mm." "What?" "Come on, we'll split it."