"Are you feeling awfully?" "I am, Gerry." "You haven't had a good meal for days," "I would feel jolly unwell if I didn't eat." "You at least understand." "The others are louts." "Larry's an intelllectual lout and Le..." "Leslie's just a lout." "I'm glad to see you're in the sunshine at last, it can't do you any good to moon about in your room." "I don't moon, I've got a broken heart, you silly little boy." "I fell in, trying to catch a crab with an ane-nome on its back." "The interesting thing is, the crab put it there." "It does." " It helps it catch things." " Go away!" "I liked Peter, pity he's gone." "Yes, you did." "I'm sorry." "But still go away." "I was going anyway!" "I'm starving!" "Oh, dear." "I almost thought a little food might pass her lips tonight." "She even nibbled at a piece of toast this morning" " I shall tear It up." " Good idea." "Oh, no!" "We've all agreed that letters are sacrosanct." "You tore up mine." "They were from Paris." "From my friends." "I don't approve of your friends in Paris." "And I apologised." "It was in fact an accident." "No, we must give It to her." "We could steam It open." "Thoroughly dishonest, mother." "I'm only doing It for Margo, I'd do the same for you." " Please don't." " You snatched those letters from me, that's how they were torn." "It could be delayed." "Oh, what a good idea, Leslie." "Just until we've got some food inside her." " He is comings." " What do you mean, Spiro?" "I think so." "Mister Peters, he is coming to take her away." "I knows it." "I should not have broughts it." "I should have thrown myself off the cliff with it." "That's very kind of you, Spiro, but we do rely on you for mail." "If he is comings, I will get the boys onto him." "He will not be safe anywhere on the islands." "And If he shows his faces," "I will rubs him out." "But he is comings, mark my words." "I knows the heart." "(Speaks Greek)" "It is, er...very Greek to have this passion, where the food cannot get to the belly" " and you throws." " Look, look at the size of them!" "Aren't they beautiful?" "(Chirps)" "Ooh!" "Ohh!" "You shouldn't show Spiro things like that, you know he's got a weak stomach." "I know and I am careful, but these are beautiful creatures, aren't they?" "Yes, they are, dear, they're..." "They're...they're lovely." "Aren't they, Larry?" " Leslie?" " Exquisite." "Er, pretty." "It's just that everyone doesn't see things in the same way that y...that we do." "And I've only just got Margo eating again." "Please, Gerry." "Poor Spiro." " It's all right, Spiro." " Uhh." "(Frogs chirp quietly)" "(Sighs)" "Ohh." "Gollys, Master Gerrys." "Why do you show me such things?" "I'm sorry I rushes off, Mrs Durrells but honest the gods, when I see one of them bastards..." "I just has to throws and I think is better that I throws outside than in heres." "Absolutely, Spiro." "They're the most horrible things I've ever seen." " Yes, to be honest." " Oh." "(Quiet chirping)" "Please, don't ever show them things to me again, Master Gerrys." " Please." " (Chirping)" "Excuse me." "(Chirping)" "I hope you've washed your hands, Gerry." "Yes." "Where are they?" "Safely under my bed." "I think aesthetically you are all limited." "Eh?" "If you don't mind me saying so." "You might be right." "I'm starving." "Well, you wouldn't be had you come down earlier." " It won't have ruined Leslie's appetite." " Lord, no." "Nothing can do that." "I'm glad to hear that you're hungry, Margo." "Spiro had to throws." " Leslie." " Just making conversation, mother." "Did he bring the mail?" "Yes." "Would you mind waiting until we've eaten?" "No, not at all." "As I said, I'm starving." "(Sobs quietly)" "(Sobs)" "Margo?" "He's coming for me." "So there!" "Best thing he could do." "What does she mean?" "I think he intends to carry her off." "That is an excellent idea." "It is not, and you must stop saying such things, Larry." "She's a very young girl and she's your sister." "That's right." "We must mount a 24-hour guard." " Thank you, Leslie." " Don't rely on me." "Oh, no, look at her." "I don't want him to." "I've only just started to eat again." "Right, mother," "I shall kill two birds with one stone." "There's been a certain amount of petty pilfering." "I shall set a trap." "Hello, Geronimo, you're early tonight." ""Cecily, the praying mantis," ""devouring her mate, while they mate." ""He's still mating, though half-eaten."" "(Chirruping)" "Did you know she was eating him" " all of the time they were mating?" " Ha!" "This'll get him." "Who?" "Erm, Peter what's-his-name." "If he comes back for Margo." "And it'll stop that pilfering from the jetty." "First sound... bang." "I've got Spiro out on patrol, down there." "And he's got all his cousins watching the port." "Right." "Block your ears, Gerry." "(Loud bang)" "(Music on wireless)" "Cecily is pregant." "Don't look at me." " Or me." " Who's Cecily, dear?" "My praying mantis, she's pregant." "Oh, that's nice." "Here comes Margo." "She seems to have recovered her appetite, so try to be good." "No mention of you-know-who or love or anything like that." "Good morning, Margo." " Morning." " Morning." "Have some toast, Margo." "Thank you." "My mantis is pregnant, Margo." "Any day now, eggs." "And do you know they eat their husbands while they are doing it." "I watched Cecily, she's my mantis." "And do you know, he didn't stop doing It all the time she was eating him." "First the head, then the thorax, munching away." "There, look what you've done." "(Sobs) I think that's the most tragic tale I've ever heard." "I don't think they regard It as tragic." "Animals can be quite...quite..." "Insensitive?" "No." "Matter-of-fact about food. (Slurps)" "( Gramophone) ♪ So, honey, don't you cry" "♪ We'll find a silver lining" "♪ The clouds will soon roll by ♪" "♪ I hear a robin singing" "♪ Upon a tree-top high" "♪ To you and me he's singing" "♪ The clouds will soon roll by" "♪ Each little tear and sorrow" "♪ Only brings you closer to me" "♪ Just wait until tomorrow" "♪ What a happy day that will be" "♪ Down Lovers' Lane together" "♪ We'll wander, you and I ♪" " Good night, Ulysses." " ♪ Goodbye to stormy weather ♪" "♪ The clouds will soon roll by ♪" "(Quiet chirping)" "(Soft thump)" "(Gunshot)" "(Roger barks)" "(Barking)" "She's done something silly." "Poor girl." " What?" " This family is driving me mad." " This is the limit." " You've shot him." " Keep calm!" "Keep calm!" "It 's only burglars." " Are you all right?" "If you killed him I'll never speak to you again." " I thought you'd done something silly." " Don't be silly." "Animals and explosions all day and then 21-gun salutes during the night." "Can't you give us some warning?" "I can't shoot burglars if I give warnings." "You ought to try, dear." "This was an accident," "I got my foot caught in something in my sleep." "Couldn't you ring a bell or something?" "Roger!" "(Quietens down)" "Come on, Roger." "Geronimo." " Geronimo?" " (Faint chirp)" "Geronimo?" "Oh, no, you haven't!" "You have." "(Soft chirp)" "(Sighs)" "What a lovely day." "What a lovely, lovely, lovely day." "I wish I could just sail away for ever and a day on such a lovely day." "Ever and ever and ever and a day." "Aunt Mabel's moved to Sussex." "She says, "Henry has passed all his exams and is going into a..." ""bank."" "At least, I think it's a bank." "Her handwriting really is appalling." "Uncle Stephen has broken his leg, poor old thing." "And his bladder." " Hmm?" " Well..." "What?" "Oh, no, no." "I think it's broken his leg, falling off a ladder." "It's ridiculous at his age being anywhere near a bladder...er, ladder." "She asks after you, Larry." "Mm." "Hopes you are well, Leslie." " Hm?" " And Marg...where's Margo?" "Larry, where's Margo?" " What?" " Margo, where is she?" "I don't know." "She's all right, isn't she?" "Got her own lovelorn nonsense." "Well, she's eating and she's coming out of her room." "Can strike at any time." "I don't think she's over it by a long chalk." "Mm." " I'm very well." " What?" "Well, next time you write to Aunt Mabel, say yes." "Yes what, dear?" "Yes, I'm very well." "Oh, yes, I see..." "You can tell her yourself." "She's coming to stay." " What?" " What?" "I don't see how we can refuse." "She is a relative." "She's been advised by the doctors that she needs a warm climate." "Oh, come on, the world is littered with warm...very warm climates." "Why choose us?" "Great-Aunt Hermione hasn't much longer to live." "I thought she'd died years ago." "Because you never listen when I read her letters." "That's right." "It's bad enough Aunt Mabel wanting to come." "She's bad enough." "At least she'll have to go back at some time." "Great-Aunt Hermione intends to die here." "Oh, come now, Larry, she could live for years yet." "Oh, no." "No, you're right." ""I'm sure, as you now seem to able to afford such a large establishment," ""you would not begrudge a small corner to an old woman..." ""who's not much longer to live."" "Well, what can we do?" "(Larry) Smallpox." "I'll write and tell her we've got smallpox." "Oh, that's a good excuse." "In detail." "That's the secret of good letter-writing, always paint a good picture." "You know that, you're going to be a writer." "I am a writer, but I can't work if the villa is crammed with geriatrics come to die." "Well, I'm not joining in this." "But I will say... she sings hymns in the lavatory." "Rock Of Ages." "And everyone has to queue." "I don't know why you keep in touch with the old hags." "They're either fossilised or mental, all of them." "My relatives are not mental." "Oh, they are." "Aunt Bertha keeps flocks of imaginary cats." "Great-Uncle Patrick goes about naked telling strangers he killed whales with a penknife." "Bats!" "But they're not mental." "They are a...a little queer, some of them." "But not enought to be put away." "You'll probably be queer when you get to their age." "The thing to do is move." "Move?" "Well, to a smaller villa." "But we've only just moved here in order to make room for your friends." "Well, now we have to move to cope with your relatives." ""No room, can't have you." ""Fallen on hard times, can't feed you."" "A smaller villa." "Has somoebody moved the Bootle Bumtrinket?" "No, dear." "Well, somebody must have!" "It must be a very small villa, Spiro." "Yes, yes, Mr Larrys," "Mrs Durrells, but, er, you want bathrooms." "Well, of course." "But one bathrooms will do." "It won't." "Gerry fills the bath with wriggly things." "No, no, no, It must be more than one." "Larry, where did you say that Margo was?" "(Speaks Greek)" "Lugaretzia, have you seen Margo?" "(Speaks Greek)" "Margo?" "Is in the sea." "Oh, my God, I'm sinking!" "Ohh!" "There she is!" "(Leslie) This way, Margo!" " Margo!" " This way!" "Help!" "(Leslie) This way, Margo!" " You're going to Albania, Margo, this way." " If she sinks the Bootle Bumtrinket," "I'll never speak to her again." "Help!" " Lift back!" " She'd be better to swim for it." "And leave my boat?" "Margo, this way!" "And row harder!" " I don't think she's going to make it." " She jolly well better!" "No!" "No, Ma..." "Margo!" "Oh, look, someone'll have to go in after her." " Spiro?" " Yes!" "I can't swims." "You built the blasted thing, you go and get her!" "All right." "(Margo) Help me!" "I'm sinking!" "(Weeps)" "(Sobbing) Larry, I tried to row it." "(Screams)" "(Larry) It's all right." "(Sobbings) Let me get out!" "What have you done to my boat?" "It wasn't me." "The stupid boat hit the rocks!" "Really Margo, I sometimes wonder if you're quite mad." "You do the most silly things!" "(Wails) Oh, Mummy, it could have happened to anyone." "I'll tell you one thing." "I'm cured of love." "That's all very well and good, cured of love!" "But what about my boat?" "What's it cured of?" "Nothing!" "Nothing at all!" "If that's curing love, someone should say sorry!" " There it is." " The oranges just to the side?" "That's lovely." "Is very small." "This is the front." "Come on, come on!" "It is too smalls." "That's the whole point, Spiro!" "Yes, but your friends, Mr Larrys." " I have no friends." " (Margo) I can see the sea!" "In Corfu, the sea can be seen everywheres." "No, no, no, no!" "It is too smalls." "Oh, It is small, Spiro." "I knows." "For all your friends, it is too smalls." "That's the whole point, Spiro!" "No friends, no Great-Aunt Hermione." "I suppose so." "Are we going to have it?" "I think it's wonderful." "There's lots of geckos and mantids, and in my room there's a bat." "(Margo screams)" "That's my room, Margo!" "You don't like bats!" "He's mostly English, dear, although he's called Mr Kralefsky, isn't he, Spiro?" "Yes." "He is very English mans." " And he lives with birds." " Oh, yes, he knows all about birds, Gerry." "I've heard that one." "They don't know the difference between a black redstart and a normal one." "Things like that, simple things." "Oh, I'm sure that Mr Kralefsky knows all about, er...red blackbirds." "He's a very nice man." "I expect he used to keep a canary or something." "Yes, canaries, everythings." "Mm." "And the bat has gone from my room." "Oh, that's nice." "Well, off you go, dear." "The sooner you start, the sooner you finish." "Yes, Master Gerrys, you must be educate." " You must." " (Sighs)" "No, no, no, no." "Come on, come on." "(Spiro) ♪ Not thin, and yet not too much meat-a" "♪ I'll woo her a while with my Argentine style" "♪ And sweep her right off of her feet-a ♪" "What's the matter?" "Why don't you sing?" "I don't know why this person can't come to the villa to educate me." "Oh, no!" "Because, if he does, you will make him play with, er...bugs and horrible animals, and you will not be learned anythings." "You must be learned everything." "And they all loves your sister, which must be stopped, for the sake of your mother, who is a saint." "♪ I am thinking of a señorita" "♪ Not thin, and yet not too much meat-a ♪" "(Frank Crumit recording) ♪ I'll woo her a while in my Argentine style" "♪ I'll carry her off of her feet-a" "♪ It was at a swell cabaretta" "♪ While wining and dining I met her... ♪" "OK." "You ring the bell, and he will come." "♪ We drank one or two, as other folks do" "♪ The night was wet but she got wetter" "♪ She told me her name was Estrella" "♪ She said, "Stick around me, young fella" "♪ "Mosquitoes, they bite, and they're awful tonight" "♪ "And you smell just like citronella"♪" "Education, Gerald." "One can not overestimate the importance of education." "Well, now, yes, let me see..." "Ah, yes, counties." "How many counties are there in England?" "Um, I don't know." "You don't know?" "Well, say them after me." "Yorkshire, Lancashire, Derbyshire," "Shropshire, Warwickshire, Oxfordshire," "Buckinghamshire, Gloucestershire." "Yorkshire, Lancashire, Derbyshire," " Shropshire." " Shropshire." " Warwickshire." " Warwickshire, Oxfordshire," "Buckinghamshire, Gloucestershire." "Ah." "Good." "(Bell tinkling)" "Oh, er..." "Excuse me, I must go and see to Mother." "And he keeps wanting to go to the lavatory." "Gerald!" "He doesn't say, "I want to go to the lavatory,"" "he says he must go and see his mother." "Well, that's very nice, dear." "But what are you learning?" "Oh, lots." "The county town of Warwickshire is Warwick." "The county town of Oxfordshire is Oxford." "The county town of Yorkshire is York." "Somerset." " Somerset?" " The county town of Somerset." "Um..." "Oh, Gerald!" "Taunton is the county town of Somerset." "Now, tell me, what is produced in Essex?" "Stainless steel?" "Stainless steel..." "Oh." "Somerset?" "Coal." " Oxfordshire?" " Coal?" "Oh." "Yorkshire." "Coal." "Yes, yes." "Some coal." "Now, arithmetic." "(Car horn)" "Spiro." "By Jove, by Jove, by Jove." "12:30 already." "The end of another scholastic day." "Well, off you go." "I have to collect some groundsel, for the birds." " (Gerry) What sort of birds?" " All kinds of birds." "He's crazy about birds." " Where does he keep them?" " He lives with them in their houses." "Oh, stuffed." "He must be crazy, collecting groundsel for stuffed birds." "Yes, he is crazy." "Only, aren't you as crazy?" "You have parrots in your house." "You have owls and horrible toadies, and he has beautiful birds." "And he is a very clever mans, and he will learned you everythings if only you will listens!" "(Larry) Not more animals!" " Look!" " (Larry) Revolting!" "(Margo) Oh, I think they're sweet!" "What are they?" "(Spiro) Gollys, Master Gerrys, what's thems?" "They are, as a matter of fact, magpies." "They'll be very simple to feed." "They're very pretty, really." " I hope they're old enough to eat, dear." " Oh, Mrs Durrells, you can't eats thems!" " (Chuckles) - (Larry) They'll steal everything." "(Leslie) I shall probably shoot them by mistake, and that'lll cause a ruction!" "(Spiro) Honest to gods!" "The things that Master Gerrys finds!" "Nothing will be safe." "Everything will vanish." " Well, that's jackdaws, isn't it?" " No, no, magpies as well." "Look." " See?" "They want the money." " Nonsense, dear!" "They're hungry." "They've got criminal tendencies." "They're thieves." "An animal that wants money, a horrible thought." "You can't have them in the house." "You'll have to put them back." "I couldn't, they'd die." "Their mother would desert them and they'd starve." "Poor little things." "I think they're very sweet." "Don't take any notice, he's lying." "He just knows how to get round you." "It wouldn't do any harm to keep them." "They'll starve." " (Larry) They won't starve!" " Best to wring their necks now, before they become a nuisance." "Right." "They'll steal from every room." "We'll have to bury all our valuables." "Unless we put an armed guard around them." "It's lunacy!" " Look at them!" "Look at them!" " Horribles little bastards!" "They're not bastards, Spiro, they're magpies." "All they want is a name." " What do you calls thems?" " Magpies, Spiro." "Little magpies." "Maggenpies?" "Maggenpies, eh... (Margo) No, magpies, Spiro." "That's what I says, maggenpies." "Oh!" "Maggenpies!" "William I, William II, Henry I, Stephen, Henry II." "William I, William II, Henry I, Stephen, Henry II." "Yes?" " Henry III?" " No." "Richard I." "Surnamed Coeur de Lion." "Why are you a fidget?" "I had a lot of loquats for breakfast, and I would like to... pay a visit to...your mother." "I beg your pardon?" "I have to!" "But, er, perhaps first I'd better see if it's convenient, erm..." "Er, tidy." "It doesn't matter." "Ours is often in a mess." "Oh, I'm sure she'll be delighted to meet you, but, please, do let me go in first." " Of course." " Just a moment." "Mother will be delighted to meet you." "Mother." "Here's Gerry, come to see you." "Aren't I a bore?" "Aren't old people bores?" "I'm flattered you asked to see me." "I thought..." "Do sit down and talk for a minute." "It's so soft!" "Silky..." "My one remaining vanity." "All that's left of my beauty." "How beautiful things fall in love with themselves, don't they?" "They feed on it, on themselves." "The more beautiful they are, the stronger they become." "That's what's happened to my hair." "It'll probably grow for ever, deep-packed in my coffin, rooted in my dust." "Mother, you mustn't talk thus." "I don't like to hear such morbid thoughts." "It's not morbid, is it, Gerry?" "Not at all morbid." "Besides, think what a wonderful shroud... (Bell tinkles)" "By Jove, by Jove, by Jove!" "Eggs." "Well, run along, run along." "Gerry and I will chat until you come back." "Don't worry about us." "That's the ticket!" "My son..." "He teaches you...well?" " Sort of." " He knows a great deal." " Yes." " Has he found your friendship?" "He does make me repeat everything." "Yes..." "Do you have an interest in birds?" "Natural things?" " Flowers?" " Oh, yes!" "Right." "You must ask him to let you meet some of his beautiful birds." " Do you think I'm old?" " Oh, yes." " Very old." " I am." "I am very old!" "They say that...when you grow old, your body slows down." "It does not." "Life slows down for you." "Extraordinary things you would never suspect happen all around you." "Flowers talk!" " Have you heard them?" " No!" "When you get to my age you will." "That is, if you retain an open mind." " What do they say?" " Ah..." "I don't know." "I'm too old to start learning another language." "Well, It can't be learnt." "It can only become known." "People say that when you grow old, you believe less and are surprised at nothing, so you are more receptive to ideas." "Nonsense!" "All the old people I know have their minds locked up like grey, scaly oysters." "You think I'm loopy, don't you?" "Babbling on about flowers talking." "Look at that rose." "Isn't he wonderful?" "He's been with me now for two weeks, fully open." "He was so sick when he first arrived." "I feared for his life." "He was put with daisies!" "Fatal!" "Absolutely fatal!" "The daisy family is so cruel, so... working-class." "All right in their own way, but rough and ready, down to earth, a spade's a spade." "And to put an aristocrat among them!" "Oh!" "It never works." "He drooped and faded so much I didn't even see him among them." "He was being harried to death by Michaelmas daisies." "And then..." "I heard the merest bleat of another voice." "A much more cultured voice." "And there I found him, crushed amongst them, fading fast." "Look at him now." "Taken from the daisies, half an aspirin, and he's thanking me by remaining beautiful for as long as he can." "Just like people." "(Door opens)" " They've hatched." "The whole clutch." " (Cooing)" "Good!" "I am so glad." "Gerry and I have been talking about the most interesting things." "At least, I thought they were interesting." "So did I. Thank you." " You must come again." " I will If I may." "Would you like to see my birds?" "I would be most interested." "Well, goodbye." "(Gerry) Goodbye." "Goodbye." "(Mother chuckles)" "When you asked to see Mother, I thought you and I might become friends." "It is important, if I'm to teach you anything, isn't it?" " Yes." " Friends." "That's the ticket!" "First, before we go and see the birds, might I go to the lavatory?" "Of course." "(Birds twittering)" "Come in." "Come in." "Here I am, my little beauties." "Here I am." "I haven't forgotten you." "Oh, no." "Here we are." "This is for you." "There." "No, no, no!" "Don't do that, not in your nice clean water." "Now, let me see..." "There we are." "Now, my little beauties, it's your turn, it's your turn." "There we are." "At first I thought they were all canaries." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Bullfinches, goldfinches, serins, zebra finches." "All kinds." "Now, the water goes into there." "Very carefully." "That's excell..." "Excellent." "Yes." "Here you are, my dears." "Here you are, my dears." "Now, you will not be forgotten." "You will not be..." "Oh, dear." "Dear, dear." "No, no, you must do better." "Only two, my dear, only two." "One can hardly call that a clutch, with the best will in the world." "Oh, dear, dear." "Most disappointing." "Come." "There's more." "Oh, they're in fine fettle today." "It's the sunshine, you know." "Once the sun gets to the side of the house, they start to sing." "Don't you?" "Beautiful." "I've got some magpies." "Beautiful." "Beautiful." "Maggie!" "Well done." "(Squawks)" "Good boy, Maggie!" "There, in Hyde Park, with her back to a tree, was a lady." "Her skirts were torn, her legs were bitten and bloody." "With a deckchair, she was fending off a ravening bull terrier." "Her strength was ebbing." "I was the only gentleman in sight." "There was not a moment to be lost." "I bounded forward and struck the brute with my walking stick." "The stick broke." "The animal contemplated my throat." "(Sighs)" ""Aimer", the verb "to love"." "The verb "to love"?" "J'aime, tu aimes, il aime, elle aime, nous aimons, vous aimez, ils aiment, elles aiment." "And then, though he was armed with only a knife, he killed six of the ruffians, with his knife he concealed in his mosquito boot." "And thus the lady was rescued, thus." "How brave." "Only what a gentleman would do for a lady." "Yes, very brave." "(Larry) Kill those bastard magpies!" "Oh, no." "They only seem interested in Larry's room." "(Magpie squawking)" "Out you go!" "Go on, out you go!" "Out you go!" "Out you go!" "That's the last straw!" "They're naturally curious." "All members of the crow family are." " If you don't do something about it, I will..." " Anything missing?" "I don't see how you can do anything in this mess." " I think it was the maggenpies." " They made an awful mess of your papers." " They didn't know they were doing wrong." " They're only birds." "If you don't lock them up, I will tear them wing from wing!" " That isn't fair!" " Larry doesn't mean it." "Naturally he's upset." "They have made an awful mess." "Upset?" "I'm furious!" "They descended like scab-ridden critics." "They spattered and tore my work into pieces, fouled it, destroyed it before it's even finished!" " They've only just started flying." " Yes." "It's disgusting, the way this family carries on about animals." " They don't understand!" " Anthropomorphic slush drooling out again." "If something isn't done about them I'll use one of Leslie's guns and deal with them!" "I'll get them and explain It to them." "You'll get them and lock them up!" "Say, "Spiro"." "Spiro!" "Spiro." "I'm glad somebody's done something about the scab-ridden vultures." "A simple cage." "Gerry has made a first-class job of it." "Tell Mother about your fight with the French wrestling champion." "What?" "Oh, no, no, no, one does not boast about such things." " All right." " To do with a lady of my acquaintance." "Oh." "How very nice." "(Gerry) As long as you show me a few tricks." "Tricks?" "Mm." "Wrestling tricks." "Oh." "Er...very well." "Now." "Oh." " Oh, very well." " How exciting!" "Yes." "Well, the secret is to get one's opponent off his balance." "It can be done...thus." "Uh, ohhh, ah!" "Ah!" "Huh!" " You see?" " Yes." "Wonderful!" " Have you got the idea?" " Yes." "That's the ticket!" "Now, you try to throw me." "Yaaaah!" "Aaaargh!" " Oh!" " Oh!" "Oh!" "Good... (Kralefsky groaning)" "Oh, dear!" "I'll go and get the brandy!" "I'm so sorry." "Gerry, dear, that was very careless!" "I'm afraid he doesn't know his own strength." "Oh, no, please, please, do not blame the boy." "It was not his fault." "You see, I'm a little out of practice." "(Kralefsky) Oh, dear." "Oh, dear..." "Roger." "Roger, here!" "Here, Roger!" "Oh, Roger, you useless dog!" "Come along, sweetheart." "Come on!" "Come on." "Come on!" "There's a good girl." " Poor thing." " (Dog whines)" " Can't stop being sick." " (Dog vomits)" " Urgh!" " Goddamn sick puppy dog!" " What dog, Spiro?" " It's your mother's." "Your mother's." "The one that she has been given." "He is sick all over my seats, Master Gerrys." "On the journeys." "All the ways, he throws and throws and throws." "(Sighs)" "It is awfuls." "Oh, isn't it sweet?" "(Larry) Oh, no." "This is the most revolting animal yet to be brought into this family." "You can't tell which end is which." "What possessed you, Mother?" "The man that had it said it had been abandoned." "I can't think why." "It looked so sad." "Apparently, It 's a sad breed." " A breed?" " What's it bred for?" "Oh, look!" "It's been sick on my foot." "It's been sick all the time." "All over poor Spiro's car seats." " And me." " What's wrong with him?" "Oh, it isn't a him, it's a her." "A female sea slug." "Her name is Dodo." "And she's a breed." "Come on, darling." "She's a lhasa apso." "I don't believe it." "You mean somebody actually produced that shape?" "Dachshunds are much the same shape, to go down the holes after badgers." "Well, what does she go down after?" "Sewage?" "No wonder she can't stop vomiting." " Oh, Larry." " Are you mad, Mother?" "I think you must be." "A bitch?" "Has It escaped your notice that all our other three dogs are males?" "Larry, you always bring everything down to sex." "Apparently, they're very faithful." "Well, they'd have to be." "Maggie!" "Say Spiro." "Spiro." "Spi-ro." "(Tuts)" "Spir-o." " Spiro!" " (Squawks)" "(As parrot) Say Spiro." "(Squawks)" "(Pig snorting)" " (Dog barking) - (Speaks Greek)" "(Replies in Greek)" "(Pig snorting)" " Roger!" " (Barks)" "(Bird calls)" "Look, Roger." "Snakes!" "Isn't It beautiful?" "It's beautiful." "Scales like a fir cone." "You can see them." "(Flies buzzing)" "(Cicadas chirrup)" "(Flies buzzing)" "What about the other one?" "Roger, stay here." "I'm going to see if I can get her husband." "(Roger whines)" "(Roger barks frantically)" "Shut up, Roger." "I think I can feel it wriggling about my feet." "It must be here somewhere." "Got him!" "Got him, Roger!" " Got him!" "Got him!" " (Roger barks)" "(Speaks Greek)" "Oh, and your health too." "Ah." "These serpents are of course quite harmless, as you know." "Thank you." "(Flies buzzing)" "(Speaks Greek)" "Roger." "You are a stranger." "Yes." "I'm English." "I'm living here with my family." "There's my mother, two brothers." "One of them writes all the time." "He's the eldest." "And the other - well, he shoots." "At everything." "Oh, yes!" "And there's my sister, Margo." "Well, I'd better be going now." " Where do you go?" " To the sea." "I need a good wash." "Then I might find some cockles to eat." "I go to the sea also, to my boat." "(Gerald) Are you a fisherman?" "Do you come from here?" "Yes." "My home was here." "But now I am at Vido." " Vido?" " Yes." "I am a convict." "Vido is the prison island." "Yes, I know that." "Have you been released?" "(Laughs) Not at all." "That is my luck." "I have two more years." "I have to be back on Monday morning." "Oh." "So sometimes they let you out?" "Those of us who are persuasive." "(Gull squawking)" "Ah, is this your boat?" "Yes." "Take care." "He is vicious." " (Squawks loudly) - (Speaks Greek)" "He never lets anyone touch him without biting." "He must like you, huh?" "He's magnificent!" "Yes, he is." "How did you catch him?" "It was easy." "What a bird he is." "You're very lucky to have a bird like that." "Do you think you could possibly find a baby gull for me this spring?" "You like them?" "Yes." " You want one?" " What?" "Of course!" "You may have him." " Don't you want him?" " He bites everybody." "All the other prisoners." "They do not like him." "I let him go." "He will not go." "I like him." "But..." "He's huge - but so light!" "Yes, he is." "He knows his name." "He'll come when you call." "I call him Alecko." "Tomorrow I will bring you some fish for him." "Thank you!" "Adio!" "Bye!" "(Gull squawks angrily)" "What on earth is that?" "Look what he did." " He's wonderful." " He bit you!" " Yes." "He bites everyone." " (Panicked squawking)" " Er, is it an eagle?" " No, It 's a herring gull, Margo." "Who's playing bagpipes?" " What on earth is that?" " It's a new bird Gerry's got." " Isn't it fearsome?" " Oh, my God, it's an albatross." "Get It out." "We'll all go down with something." "Even having the feathers in the house is 100 years' bad luck." "That's nonsense, dear." "That's..." "That's peacocks." "It wasn't a peacock that did for the ancient mariner, it was one of those bloody things." "It's gnashing." "It's teeth!" "What a whacking great gull." " They don't have teeth." " What did that to your arm, It s tail feathers?" "It's gnashing at something." "(Squawks)" " (Liquid splashing)" " Oh, dear." "What was that?" "I think it's called guano." "About two gallons of it." " (Trickling)" " We'll have to wear waders." "Get it out of here at once." "In fact, all of you, get out." "You'll spread It everywhere." "I've got the vicar coming." "Oh, dear!" "Now, this one is called Alecko." "Can you say Alecko?" "He's very fierce, as you can see." "Alecko." "Well, try Spiro, then." "Spi-ro." "Spiro." "So nice of you to come." " Good afternoon, Gerald." " Good afternoon." "(Angry squawking)" " It's the Reverend Harcum." " Hm." "He plays cricket." "Huh!" "All he wants is money and wickets." "Money and wickets." "Hey." "I plays cricket." "How's that, Reverend?" "(Guffaws)" "I..." "I do hope you like egg sandwiches for tea." "Oh." "Cucumber sandwiches would be much nicer." "Cucumbers?" "Er..." "Would you, er..." "How's the little dog?" "Mrs Harcum, my wife, tells me it will let you go nowhere." "I should not be surprised if some day you should bring it to church." "But I'm bound to say that I should not allow it inside." "(Dogs scuffling and grunting)" "(Dog walls)" "Sex." "Mother." "I'm afraid Dodo's being passionate with Roger." "(Laughs) Oh, dear." "How affectionate." "Spiro, fetch a bucket of water." "I fetch yous twos." "(Dogs whimpering happily)" "Er, now." "I've got something on my shoe." "Ah!" "Yes." "That will be..." "Iguano." "I'm not sure what it's good for, but isn't it very useful?" "(Mrs Durrell) I'd quite forgot I had it." "Thank you for the fish for Alecko." "What is your name and...what are you in prison for?" "I am Kosti Panapoulos." "I killed my wife." "Until tomorrow, uh?" "(Speaks Greek)" "You know, I don't know why the Harcums bothered to call." "A cup of tea, not even a sandwich, and they were gone." "Every step they took, they were up to their armpits in..." "Larry." "Guano." "Oh, Gerry, what lovely fish!" "How clever of you." " How shall I cook them?" " Cook?" " They have to be eaten raw." " Oh, no, I don't think so, dear." "They're not for you, Mother." "They're for Alecko." "(Magpie) Spiro!" "Spiro!" " The magpies!" " What?" " They've done it." " Well, I'm blowed!" " Spiro!" " (Spiro) Hello!" "(All laugh)" "Yes, Mrs Durrells?" "It wasn't me, Spiro." "It was them." "Who's thems?" "(Magpie) Spiro!" "Oh!" "It's magenpies." " (Laughs) It's the goddamn magenpies!" " (Magpie) Spiro!" "Spiro!" "Honest to Gods, the things that Master Gerrys does!" " (All laugh)" " Spiro!" "Goddamn magenpies." "If it's OK, Mrs Durrells, I go back to my house." "Of course." "We'll see you tomorrow?" "Of course." "Goodbye!" "Goodbye, Spiro." "(Magpie) Spiro!" "Spiro!" "I don't mind the magenpies in a cage, it's that blasted albatross." "It isn't an albatross." "It certainly is, as you'll find out when the cyclone hits us." " What cyclone?" " Or hurricane, or tidal wave." " Don't blame me If we're hit by one." " Why, dear?" "Albatrosses always bring bad weather as well as bad luck." " And it's started." " How has it started?" " It's peacocks that are unlucky." " (Magpie) Spiro!" "I know because an aunt of mine had feathers in the house, and the cook died." "How has it started?" " What, the cyclone?" " No, the bad luck." "Oh." "Dodo being impregnated by Roger." "It's very bad luck." "We don't know that she was." "She's looking frightfully pleased with herself." "A bit like Mother did when she had you." "That's enough, dear." "Poor Dodo." "At least she's friends with the other dogs now." "Where did you get it?" "The gull?" "The other day I was out catching these water..." "Don't say it!" "Snakes." " Sorry, Leslie." " I hate them!" " So do I." " Not as much as I do." " I admit it." " I met this man." "He's a convict." "He's a what, dear?" "He's a convict." "He's allowed home for the weekends." "He gave me those fish for Alecko." "I don't like the idea of you going about with a convict." " You never know what he's done." " I know perfectly well what he's done." "He's killed his wife, that's all." "He..." "He's a murderer?" "Why's he wandering around the countryside?" "Why didn't they hang him?" "They don't have a death penalty, except for bandits." "You get three years for murder and five years for dynamiting fish." "That's a nice sense of the importance of things." "(Magpie) Spiro!" "(Whistling)" "(Spiro sings in Greek) lt takes twice as long by boat." "Yes, I know." "But poor Dodo can't...can't travel by car." "She vomits all the time." "Not by sea." "Oh, no." "No, people who are carsick are never seasick." "Un...er...fortunately, and, er, this may prove your theory..." "I have never, so far, ever been sick in a car." "But I am always sick in a boat." "(Sings in Greek)" "(Whistles tune)" "Lovely!" "(Spiro whistling)" "Perhaps the sea will remain calm for you, Theodore." "Un...er...fortunately, it is of no importance." "Er...it's motion." "I've even been forced to leave the cinema when films have been shown of ships at sea." "Any sea." "(Groans weakly)" "Vacate my seat." "Help!" "(Theodore) Help!" "Hello!" "(Mrs Durrell) Help!" " (Theodore vomits) - (Mrs Durrell) Help!" "Help!" "(Retches)" "Help!" "Ah." "Echidna." "Or, er, possibly as you would know it, a sea urchin." "Put him in." "We'll take him home." "Ah." "Now..." "These creatures are quite, er, fascinating." "The, er..." "Notice his armour, the spines, and the, erm... er, pseudopods." "Here." "They are...testing the water to find out if there is anything to eat and also to orientate the creature." " You see, he's turning over." " Yes, he's moving." "You put him in upside down." "He recognises that and is trying to get the right way up." "Yes!" "Hey!" "Mrs Durrells!" "See?" "What a heavenly place." "(Sighs) I could lie here forever." "Having food and wine pressed into my mouth by naked dryads." "Eventually, by breathing deeply and evenly..." "I should embalm myself in this scent." "This heavenly scent." "Embalming is a...fascinating subject." "The, erm..." "The Ancient Egyptians had it to a fine art." "(Laughs)" "Ingenious the way they extracted the brain through the, er... nose." " Sort of hook." " Mm." "Up through the nostrils and, er..." "(Smacks lips)" "Dragging it down, yes." "Larry, dear, we are trying to eat." "And after that voyage..." " (Margo) We thought you were enjoying it." " Well, I am now." "(Theodore) It certainly is a very, very...beautiful place." "(Mrs Durrell) It is." "A glorious place." "I should like to be buried here." " (Squawks angrily)" " Ow!" "Ow!" "That's my ankle." "Blood!" "(Squawks)" "(Cicadas chirrup)" " Thank you." " No, thank you." " Oh, are you going?" " Yes." "Well, thank you for the fish." " I do hope you haven't been bored." " No, I'm never bored." "No." "Kosti's never bored." "That's very good." "Because you know what they say." "The devil makes..." "Mother means to say she can see you're not an idle man." "Bye." "Goodbye." "(Kosti and Theodore speak Greek)" "He seems such a nice man." "Not a bit like a murderer." "What do you expect?" "Harelip?" "Club foot?" "Knife in one hand, a bottle marked "poison" in the other?" "Don't be silly, dear." "But I thought he might have looked a bit more..." "Well, you know..." "Murderous." "Well, you shouldn't go on appearances." "I could have told you at once he was a murderer." "How?" "Nobody but a murderer would have thought of giving Gerry that albatross." "Look, blood!" "Mrs Durrell." "Gerry is going to have to go to school." "Yes, I know." "A real school." "Yes, he must receive a more, er... sensible education." "Isn't it sad?" " (Coughs)" " Shh." "There he is." "Stay here." "(They laugh)" "(Cock crows)" "Got him!" "Got him, Mother." "Look." "Kosti helped." "Ooh." "Isn't he splendid?" "Thanks for looking after the dogs." "Now, where can I put him?" "There is very little we cannot achieve, Gerald, If we persevere." "That's the ticket, eh?" "Persevere." "Boire." "Je bois, tu bois, elle boit, nous buvons, vous buvez, il bolt." "Oui." "Très bon." "Aller." "Je vais, tu vas, il va." "We're having a party." "Would you like to come?" "We're calling it a Christmas party because it's September." "Will you come?" "En Français, Gerald, en Français, monsieur." "Oui." "Well..." "RSVP?" "(Laughs)" "Yes, you're learning." "(Honks horn)" " Mrs Durrell." " Good afternoon, Mr Kralefsky." " Might I have a word?" " Er, yes." "Yes, yes, of course." " I have taught him all I can." " Good." " Please don't interrupt, Spiro." " He's a clever boy." "Yes, yes, he is, but now he must go to somewhere like England or Switzerland" " to finish his education completely." " Just a minute." " Be quiet, Gerry." " He is only half-educated." " I..." " Yes." "Theodore thinks exactly the same as you." "I like being half-educated." "Just think how awful it would be if you knew everything." "No, no, no, no." "You must know everythings like I know everythings, because I live in America where everythings is." "It really is for his own good." "No, it has to be thought about." "Thank you, Mr Kralefsky." "(Honks horn)" "Talk to me, my little songbird." "Talk to me." "(Whispers) Talk to me." "(Mrs Durrell) Oh, that's good, isn't it?" "Most realistic." "Don't let Leslie see the snakes, though, will you?" "What it really needs is goldfish." "Hm." "Yes, that would be nice." "Larry, what are you doing to help with this party?" "My contribution will be to attend." "(Sighs)" "Mother." "I suppose the only place you can get something like goldfish will be somewhere like Athens." "Yes." "Yes, I suppose so." "(Magpie) Spiro!" "Hm." "What you gots there, Master Gerrys?" " What it needs, Spiro, is goldfish." " Goldfish?" "What's thems?" "Fish, like carp, but with a gold colour." "There's no goldfish in Corfu." "What for you want goldfish?" " For the party, Spiro." " Nah, na, na." "I brings turkeys, my missus cooks turkeys." "You don't needs golden fish." "(Laughs)" "Not to eat, Spiro, to put in the trough for people to see." "OK, OK." "Spiro get you golden fish." "(Magpie) Spiro!" "Listen, you stop them magpies and I get you golden fish, OK?" "OK." "So what are you going to do about it, then?" "We'll have to go back to England, talk to the trustees about it all." "Yes, I suppose so." " I haven't any money." " Oh, I'm sure I've got plenty." "Somewhere." "Shares, things like that." "I've always found in the past that when I've talked to the trustees face to face, they've always turned out to be very sympathetic." "I'm sure they'd agree that..." "Gerry has to go to a real school." "Poor little devil." "(Goat bells ringing)" "(Greet each other in Greek)" "(Gerry) Where are we going?" "(Spiro) Shhh." "Shhh." "OK, Master Gerrys, you stays here." "I won't be longs." "Aristidis." "Aristidis, where are you, you bastards?" "(Knocks)" "Aristidis!" "Spiro." "(Exchange in Greek)" "You bastard!" "(Mutters)" "There you ares, Master Gerrys." "Don't say a word to nobodys." "Nobodys." "Sh, sh, sh." "Thank you, Spiro, they're huge." "Yeah." "Biggest goddamn golden goldfish on the islands." "But who did the house belong to?" "Never you mind, Master Gerrys." "You just keep these golden goldfish hidden and don't tell anyone where you gottens them." "(Whispers) They belongs to the kings of Greece." "(Dogs barking outside)" "Oh, Dodo." "You would choose this day to become interesting to men." "(All barking)" "Yah!" "Bloody mutts." "Mother's such a scatterbrain about money." "Don't worry, Father left lots of the stuff." "You're as bad as she is." "What happens if the well runs dry." "What then?" "We can get some more, can't we?" "You can sell something, one of those books you're writing." "I'm trying." "I like it here." "So do I." " We have to go back to England?" " Yeah, just to sort a few things out." "But don't tell Gerry yet, will you?" "No, all right." "The poor little devil, he loves the place." "Missed it." "Mother." "I really ought to have two ponds." "Er, yes, dear, how nice." "Oh, and Gerry, try to keep those stray dogs out of the garden." "(Exchange in Greek)" "(Squawks)" "Oh, no!" " Can I put them in the bath?" " What, dear?" "They've been left out in the sun too long." "Can't you do it later?" "You ought to change." "We've got a lot of people coming." "But they'll die." "They're too hot." "Can I put them in the bath for an hour or so?" "It might save them." "Yes, all right, but not if anybody's in it." "And don't forget to disinfect it afterwards." "I don't suppose anybody will want a bath." "(Squawking)" "Our guests will be here at any moment, so make sure everyone has plenty to drink." "(Speaks Greek)" "Good." "Now, Spiro, the food." "Mrs Durrells!" "Those goddamn magenpies!" "Oh, no." "Those birds!" "Gerald, I am..." "I am seriously annoyed." "They must have got drunk." "I beg your pardon?" "They must have got drunk on the beer and wine." "I thought I could tell you that there was a sudden gale, but of course there wasn't a sudden gale." "It was them." "I'm sorry." "Well, I suppose... if they were drunk..." "Oh, Margo." " (Sighs)" " Well, what are we going to do?" "Come on, everybody. (Sighs)" "Gerald, the mayonnaise." "Come on." "Oh, trust the pair of you not to be around when you're needed." "It's an art, Margo." "They'll all be here in a moment, go and get changed." "Good morning." "Welcome." " Welcome to the Durrells' residence." " Well, thank you." "This way." " Ah, Spiro." " ln there." "Just like a man." "Hello." "Good morning, good morning." "This way." "(Chatter)" "(Dogs barking)" "It's OK, It 's locked." "They can't get in." "They won't get in." " Have you seen Dodo?" " She...she's locked up." " Where?" " She's OK." "She's in there." "(Barking)" "(Barking continues)" "(Whispers) Shut up." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "(Bellows) Shut up!" "(Dogs quieten down)" "(Laughs) It's OK." "It's OK." "Be happy." "I'll catches them bastards." "Alecko!" "Alecko!" "(Leslie) Agh!" "Snakes!" "Snakes!" "Gerry!" "Oh, now what?" "Gerry!" "Leslie, dear, whatever is the matter?" "That bloody boy has filled the flaming bath with bleeding snakes!" "You!" "Leslie, dear, language." " Great things like hissing hosepipes!" " I told him he could put them there." "Oh, really, Mother, that's going too far." "It might have been me." "Larry, don't you start." "It was Leslie who was bathing with the snakes." "Only Francis of Assisi would feel at home here." "I think you're making a lot of fuss about nothing." "Quite." "Remove the snakes if they offend you so." "Gerald, remove your snakes." "Now, I'm sorry, but you'll have to." "Put them in the wash hand basin." "No." "No, no, no." "They've got to be completely outside." "I..." "I just can't bear them." "Come on!" "Oh, dear." "Oh, Spiro." "Did you remember the turkeys?" "Who?" "(Larry) Excellent." "Has everyone got a seat?" "Good." "You mean to say Margo's actually laid it properly?" "This place is a deathtrap." "Each nook is filled with malignant faunae waiting to pounce." "How any of us have escaped being maimed for life is beyond me." "A simple action like opening a box of matches is fraught with danger, for what may lurk inside?" "Now we have snakes in the bath and huge albatrosses in flocks flapping and spreading their evil luck." "Have you noticed the wind has changed?" "Typhoons, they bring typhoons." "Larry, dear, you do exaggerate." "I speak nothing but the truth." "If anything, I understate." "What about that night Quasimodo decided to sleep with me?" " Well, that wasn't very dreadful." " Oh, really, Margo?" "It may give you pleasure to be woken at 3:30 in the morning by a pigeon intent on pushing his rectum into your eye." "(Screaming)" "Scorpions." "I've been bitten on the leg." "It's a...a..." " Gerry, you've got bears under there." " No, I haven't." "No, it appears to be some sort of bird." "Er..." "large." "Brown and er... white?" " Blasted albatross." " Magenpie." "No, it's not a magen...er, magpie, it's some sort of gull, I think." "Yes, it is." "It's Alecko." "I thought he'd gone for a swim." "Be still, everyone, unless you want your leg severed." "Oh!" "(Shrieks)" "Do you require any assistance, dear boy?" "Well, you could..." "No, I think I'll be all right." "He's in a bad mood." "I think this is going to take some time." "(Larry) Oh, do hurry up." "The soup's getting cold." "Can't you poke it with something?" "What do they eat?" "I specialise in songbirds." "All the nice gulls love a sailor." "(Laughs)" "Oh, really, Theodore, you're like an 1880 edition of Punch." "(Gull shrieks)" "(Applause)" "(Screams)" "Well done." "I'm so sorry." "Is there anything I can get you?" "(Laughter)" "Mrs Durrells." "Yes, Spiro?" "I brings them turkeys." "Who?" "(They laugh)" " You wants that I should carve them?" " Yes, thank you, Spiro." "(♪ Waltzing Matilda)" "♪ Once a jolly swagman camped by a Billabong" "♪ Under the shade of the Coolabah tree ♪" "(Chatter)" "(Whistles)" "(Barking)" "(Screams)" "Wolves, wolves, waiting for a hard winter." " Now, keep calm, everybody, keep calm." " (Mrs Durrell) That's Dodo." "By Jove, save the ladies!" "(Barking drowns speech)" "(Laughs)" "Pepper is also good for a dogfight, although I've never tried it." "Water, also." "(Barking continues)" "I fix these damn pests." "(Screams)" "Serpents." "My snakes!" "(Screaming continues)" "Oh, dear." "I wonder if everybody's had enough..." "had enough to eat." " Goodbye, Mr Kralefsky." " Bye, Mrs Durrell." "Have a good journey." "I will not say goodbye." "I'd rather say au revoir." "By Jove, yes." "Au revoir, monsieur, what?" " That's the ticket." " Bye, Mr Kralefsky." " Goodbye, Mr Kralefsky." " Bye, Theo." " Goodbye." " Bye, Theo." "Goodbye, Spiro." "Goodbye, Master Gerrys." "(Sobs)" "Honest to Gods, I didn't means to crys." "It's just like saying goodbyes to my own family." "I'm sorry, Mrs Durrells." "Just look what that man in the customs has written. "Description of passengers..."" "(Reads aloud)" "Really, some people are peculiar." "That's what you get for leaving Corfu."