"Well, her birthday's got to be a surprise," "It certainly surprised ME!" " We'll have to arrange a surprise party," " Why?" "." " 'Cause she'll be expecting it," " Expecting a surprise party?" "." "You know what I mean, She'll be surprised if we don't surprise her," " We'll have to invite Chloe," " Why?" "." " She's her best friend," " But Chloe treats Heather like doo-doo!" " But she's Heather's best friend," " How d'you work that out?" "." "She's always saying, "Chloe's my best friend, and she never phones,"" ""She's never invited me to a party,"" ""Chloe's my best friend and she walked straight past me in the street,"" " Chloe's definitely Heather's best friend," " I can see that now you've explained it clearly," " What are we going to do?" "." " We make a list of all Heather's friends," "Yes, that's the best thing, I think, Yes, Right, some paper," " Thank you," " There you go," " Can I have a pen?" "." "Thank you," " Sorry," "(BOTH) Chloe," " Got one," " Have you?" "." "Yeah, so've I," " Who have you got written down?" "." " Who've you written down?" "." " You," " You," " We can invite Heather's father!" " Heather's dad!" "Can you think of one reason why we can't invite Heather's father?" "." "Because he's banged up in prison?" "." "If there's not enough people, we can invite some of their friends, to make up the numbers," "What a brilliant idea!" "Definitely got an intimate feel, this party, hasn't it?" "." "We're a bit stuck if Chloe can't come," "There'll be just the three of us, like any other night, What are we going to do?" "." "Put a candle in her pizza?" "." " No, Lee, phone Chloe, See when she's free," " Yes, Oh, I can't," " Why not?" "." " I don't know her number," "If she's only got one friend, I don't see why she needs an address book," "This ain't right, We shouldn't be in here, This is her private room, you know," "Lee, we're only doing this to be nice to her, I don't want to give the old bag a party, anyway," "No, no, I think it's in this drawer here, I think it's in here," "Oh, no, no, no, I can't, I can't!" "Just grab the knob and give it a good pull," "Why does that sound so familiar?" "." "Are you going to invite Chloe to this party or not?" "." "For Pete's sake!" "(BOTH) NO!" "You idiot!" "The drawer was stuck!" "Well, I know that now!" "(STUART) Come on, Lovely!" "(GASPING)" "(GASPING CONTINUES)" " Look at that!" " Lee!" "Some people are so lax as regards security, Fancy having a lock and leaving the key in," "Never!" " I'll clear it up," " Lee, Lee, Lee!" "No!" "That's it, You take the weight (!" ")" "(GASPING)" "(HEATHER) Hello." "Hello!" "." "Oh, God!" "What are you doing?" "." "Come on, Get out!" "Turn around," "(PANTING)" " Keep her downstairs, I'll clean this up," " OK," "Ohh!" "Hello, Stewpot, How are you?" "." " Stu?" "." " I want to tell you something interesting," "All right," "Come up to my room, But it'll have to be quick, because it's time for my Pilates," "No, it's something I want to talk to you down here," "It's more of a down-here topic," "Why would you need to talk to me down here?" "." "Come on up to my room," "It's just that I don't think I could trust myself in your bedroom," " Stuart?" "." " Well," "(SOBS)" "Ohh!" "You dear, sweet thing!" "I understand completely, of course," "But living together as we do, we mustn't get involved in any way," "It's part of the agreement," " I know, but I," " I KNOW you're only flesh and blood!" "God knows, I know it's tempting, But you MUST be strong!" "Come up to my room and tell me about your day, anyway, We can trust one another," "You've just come in from outside, My nan said it's very dangerous to go up," "Stop it, Stuart, We're grown-up people, We're perfectly safe," "I know, but," "Actually, Heather, I've got to explain something, It's just that," " Oh!" "It's all clear," " What?" "." "I mean the room is nice and clear and clean, like a ladies' room, No mess, or," "There it is!" "My mobile, I left it here," "Can you imagine?" "." "I went out and left it at home," "What is the point of having a mobile if you don't take it with you?" "." "I've probably got thousands of calls," " Did I get any calls, by any chance?" "." " No, I don't think so," "I was expecting Chloe to ring," "Honestly!" "She's my best friend, and she never calls," "(MOBILE PHONE)" " That'll be her now," " Heather," "Hello?" "." "No, I can't hear you, You're going to have to speak up," "Could you take that downstairs, please, because I'm about to start my Pilates?" "." " I usually do it in the buff, so please?" "." " Don't mind me," " Stuart!" " Where are you?" "." "Heather, you know you're going to be naked?" "." " My nan said it's dangerous," " Be gone!" "I'm going," "(MOBILE PHONE)" "Hello?" "." "Stuart Ponder dot,com," "Oh, hello, Lee, Why are you talking like, Are you still there?" "." "Yes, I'm still here," "I've been in here for the last two hours!" "I feel like a moth!" " Heather's gone to sleep," " Creep out, then," "I can't, If she saw me, she'd think I was after her," "Look, just lie doggo, She can't stay in there forever, OK?" "." "You don't understand, I wanna GO!" "Stuart?" "." "Stuart?" "." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Look, if I don't go soon, I'm going to burst," "Some people are like that, you know, I can't hold on, Oh, hello, Chloe," "Yes, yes, Funny, I was just," "No, I'm not Heather, No, Heather is um," "Yes, I know, It runs in the family, They always called my dad "Whispering Jack"," "Shh-shh-shh!" "(HEATHER MOANING AND MUMBLING)" "Look, I'm afraid Heather's not here just now, but can I call you back, because," "(MUMBLING)" "(LIQUID TINKLING)" "It's raining men," "Hallelujah," "(PHONE)" "Hello?" "." "Oh, Dads, I was fast asleep," "Yeah," "Actually Dads, can I ring you back?" "." "I'm dying to go to the loo," "I shan't be a sec," " Where's Lee?" "." " He's in your room," "I mean, he's, No, um," "No, he's in HIS room, That's where he is, That's what I meant," "Yes, why would I say your room?" "." "He's up in HIS room," "Ahh, Huh-huh," " Lee, Lee!" " Huh?" "." "Well, it's about time," "Are you ready?" "." "Dads, that's AMAZING!" "Yes!" "Run the details past me again, It's SO EXCITING!" "Yes," "Yeah, yeah, That's fantastic, I love you, Dads, Bye!" "(HEATHER) Surprise, surprise!" " Surprise?" "." " Surprise?" "." "Boys, I've got SUCH a surprise for you!" "First, I'm going to tell you something that you must NEVER tell anybody!" "Garth Stringer is the mystery man in the mauve Maserati!" "Who is Garth Stringer?" "." "Who's the mystery man in the mauve Maserati?" "." "You know" " Dad's trial, You must remember him, It was in all the papers," "Oh, yeah, now you come to mention it," " I've no idea what you're talking about," " No," "He was the really really guilty one, and Dads didn't grass on him, so he really owes Dads a favour, And he's gruesomely rich," " What's the surprise, then, Heth?" "." " Well, you know my birthday's next week?" "." " Is it?" "." " No?" "." "Dads wanted to arrange a party for all of my friends," "Be a big do, then," "Yes, and I don't really like big dos," "I just wanted an intimate little do with my favourite friends, you and Chloe," "Now, guess where Chloe is," "Chloe is in Marrakesh!" " Oh, is she?" "." " Yes!" " And guess what Dads has arranged to do?" "." " A reception at the Rat and Firkin?" "." "Don't be silly," "He's arranged for Garth to fly all of us out there to Marrakesh in his private plane!" "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, I can't fly!" "I don't like planes, They're disasters waiting to happen," "They're like my marriage, but with engines," "My engine's about to fail, drop off, catch fire, clog up with birds," "Oh, yeah, Oh, no - bang into UFOs, some of them!" "No, I can't fly, no, I mean, they're all young, aren't they?" "." " Who?" "." " Air hostesses," "It's not a job you get old in, is it?" "." "I'll go on the coach, thanks," " It'll take days!" " And cost a fortune!" "This is my special birthday party," "Dads has gone to so much trouble, and you'll ruin it if you don't come," " Don't worry, Heth, I'll sort it for you," " What?" "." "What?" "." "What?" "." "Bing, bong," "Your flight to Marrakesh is taking off in twenty minutes," "It'll never work, Nothing you say or do will get me on a plane," "I'm terrified of flying, Ever since I had that bad experience on my honeymoon, going to Dubai," " What's wrong with that?" "." " Eileen flew to Benidorm," "I got on the wrong flight, I tried to get the pilot to turn round, but he went mental!" "I haven't flown since," "Nor has he," "You mustn't worry, I was the same, You should do the Fear of Flying course, It's marvellous," " Are you afraid of flying?" "." " I'm afraid of flying economy!" "It was awful, All those shell suits, Urgh!" "I was flying back from my rehab clinic, and we flew into a thunderstorm," "Crikey!" "Me and the plasterer next to me were thrown all over the toilet," "He never rang," " You've got to learn to conquer your fear!" " Yes, and I'm the man to teach you," " You?" "." " Yes, Now, Lee, pretend you're on an aeroplane," " Ahh!" "Ahh!" "Ahh!" " No, no, Lee, No, no, no, no," "Not yet, not yet, We haven't started," "How can we be on a plane?" "." "We're in the middle of Heather's lounge," "That's what Stu's trying to show you, that being on a plane can be like being in our living room," " I'm getting off, This is knackered!" " No, Lee!" "Come on, Lee, This is for your benefit, Come on," "What sort of plane is it, then?" "." "Can't you tell?" "." "It's a 757, Top of the range," " Note the velour upholstery," " Actually, we'll be flying in a light aircraft," "Well, it won't be when he gets on it, will it?" "." " What airline is it?" "." " Air Ponder," " You?" "." "Run an airline?" "." " Why not?" "." "Richard Branson does," " I could grow a beard, Bing-bong," " Bing-bong?" "." " That sounds like our flight being called," " It sounded like him going "Bing-bong"," " Come on!" " Lee, just use your imagination," "Are you ready?" "." "Oh, look, These look like our seats," " You're not going as well, are you?" "." " I'm the owner, I fly for nothing," "All right, I'll sit up in first class, then," " No, no, no, no, That's my seat," " Oh, sorry," "Thank you," "Actually, hop it, I'm sitting there," "I'm just checking for the life vest," "They always tell you it's under the seat, but we never check, do we?" "." "Well, we don't," "There's not much legroom in here, is there?" "." "What the bloody hell's the matter now?" "." " I might get deep-vein thrombosis," " Don't be silly!" "We're still on the ground," " Why aren't we up in the air yet?" "." " Because that is the way it works, Lee," "We're on the ground before you take off, Ground - air, air - ground," "Whoever heard of a plane taking off in mid-air?" "." "Come on, we're just about to take off, Put your headphones on, sit down in your seat, and relax!" " I'll get me headphones, shall I?" "." " Get your headphones!" " Ahh-ahh!" "Ahh-ahh-ahh!" " What's the matter?" "." "They're playing Buddy Holly!" " I don't like this, I don't like this!" " Well, have a drink," "Yes!" "Why don't you call the stewardess?" "." " Can I?" "." " Yes, just press the button on the armrest," "Huh?" "." "Oh, nnnn!" " Hello, stewardess!" "Stewardess!" " Don't look at me, I'm the owner," "And I'm a VIP," "Ohh, Steward," "Yes?" "." "I'm sorry to bother you, but can I have a drink, please?" "." "No," "Cor, they're all the same, aren't they?" "." " But she was a bit of all right, don't you think?" "." " Yeah," "Nnnn!" "Yes?" "." "Sorry, I must have lent on it by mistake," "Hang on, hang on, hang on, owner here, Can I have my champagne now, please?" "." "(LEE TITTERS)" "No!" "Whoa,!" "Argh,!" "What's the matter?" "." "Turbulence!" "Don't panic, It's just a slight bit of turbulence, Please remain in your seats," "If you remember, the emergency exits are here, and here," "I don't like this!" "I don't like this!" " Have a drink, then," " I can't, She won't give me any," " I'll get you one," " I don't want to be any trouble," "Beep!" "Beep!" " What?" "." " My friend would like a drink, and so would I," "I'm fine, thank you, I don't want to be any trouble," "Go on, have one!" "You're entitled," "You can't have one, You've had far too much already, And so has he," " No, we bloody haven't!" " Yes, you both have," " I haven't had any yet!" " Yes, you have," " AAH!" " Stop harassing my staff!" " What are you doing?" "." "No, no!" " No!" "Leave him alone!" "He's done nothing!" "He's done nothing!" "Thanks to you, the maiden flight of Air Ponder has been diverted to Nova Scotia," "That is forty grand you owe me," "It was nothing to do with me, It was your staff, They've got an attitude problem," "I'm never flying on your airline again!" "And because of your phobias, Lee, my birthday's going to be ruined," "Lee, you're going on that Fear of Flying course, You have to," "Why?" ". 'Cause of her?" "." "No, because I don't want to go on my own," "Well, now we come to the actual flight," "A quick reminder of some of the noises you'll hear today, Just so you won't be alarmed," "The humming is the aircraft's systems warming up," "(BANGING)" "Excuse me a minute, Nothing to worry about, I'm sure," "Sorry, Oh, it's like a group-therapy session," "Didn't you hear us, Orville?" "." "We've been banging for ages," " Sorry about that," " Evans and Ponder, Air Pants - oh, full!" "What the hell have you got that for?" "." "It's got my St Christopher medal collection," "And my lucky rabbit's feet, all four of them, and one for luck," "Air-sickness tablets, ground-sickness tablets, self-confidence tapes, and a pineapple," " Pineapple?" "." " In case I get peckish, you know," " We won't be up for more than an hour," " What's going to happen?" "." " He knows something, him," " It's going to go down!" "It's going to go down!" "Just calm down, The flight is only scheduled to last an hour, Now, please, take your seats," "Yes, yes, yes," "Sorry about that, chief, I'll have a tequila slammer when you're ready, please," "31 F, You know what that means?" "." "That's 13 backwards, that is," "You think I don't know, but I can spot these things," "There's only one seat worse than that, and that's 31 A," " No, Lee, Lee, no, no," " Get out of my way, I can't do this!" "It's easy, No, no, Lee, listen," "It's easy, All you've got to do is you just have to swap seats with me," "'Cause it really hurts, like Amy Johnson's got the hump," "Sorry, sorry," "Thank you, Right, everyone, here we go," "Now, in the unlikely event of an emergency, an oxygen mask will descend," "Excuse me, can I have a go on that, I'd like to get some practice in," "There's no need, You've nothing to worry about," "To be honest, I wasn't worried until you brought it up," " Now I can't stop thinking about it, Can you?" "." " No, I can't," "(SOBS)" "'Ere, what film is it?" "." "We haven't got time for a film, Now, please, can we just get on?" "." "He was getting to the emergency bits then, I want to know about that, Could you carry on?" "." "Thank you, Now, in the unlikely event of an emergency, the doors are located," "What do you mean, doors?" "." "This isn't a bus, If it breaks down up there we don't all start pushing!" "What emergency are the emergency doors for?" "." "If, for instance, we have to make a crash landing in a field," "(WORRIED CRIES)" "This is a very unlikely event," "Statistically, you're more likely to be struck by a meteorite than be involved in an air crash," "And breath out with the bad air," "And in with the good air," "There now, isn't flying fun?" "." "(ANXIOUS CRIES)" "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain." "It's a spot of turbulence." "Nothing to worry about." "(LEE) Ladies and gentlemen, do not listen to that man!" "(LEE) What's that for?" "(CAPTAIN) Don 't touch that." "Don 't touch THA T!" "Get out." "Get OUT!" "All right, all right, I just thought if we were in control, we wouldn't be so nervous," " It doesn't work like that," " Oh, yeah, And how do you know?" "." "I was a pilot, five years ago on a routine flight to Dubai," "And this maniac ran amok in the cockpit shouting "Eileen, Eileen", and then," "I remember now, I didn't recognise you at first, How you doin'?" "." "ARGHHHH!" " Your wing's on fire," " Let's have a look," "No, that's the navigation light," "The navigational light's on fire!" "There is NO fire!" "Will you please just sit down?" "." " Well, I can't see anything," " Drink all right for you, is it?" "." " It's fine," " May I?" "." " Are you all right, You look a bit funny?" "." " I'm fine, Susan," "In with the bad air, out with the good," "He's got a point, They do go down, these things," "THEY GO DOWN!" "MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" "Bye-bye, Mind how you go, now, Bye-bye, take care," "Do you need a hand with him, Mr Ponder?" "." "No, don't worry, I can manage, Come on, you," "Eat your own turtle, Susan, I'm cured," "Thank you, Well, that all seemed to go all right, I think," "Bye-bye," "'Course not, I'm not even the teeniest bit nervous," "It's the safest form of transport, flying," "Do you reckon they'll have a decent bar on board?" "." "This is the happiest day of my life!" "(LEE) How high do we actually go?" "." "(MAN) Oh, about 25,000 feet for four hours," "That's nice," " What's the matter with you?" "." " You won't have a funny turn, will you, Lee?" "." "(LEE) No, I'm fine, I just need to go to the toilet, that's all," "(STUART) Lee, sit down!" "Anyway, there's no bog on this plane," "(LEE) Where does this door go, then?" "."