"♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "♪ And I'm so hot" "♪ Cos I'm in hell... ♪" "Welcome to the Wind-Tunnel, my friend, the Theatre of Screams, the Black Hole of Cal-nutter." "Really glad to be moving in with you, Hans." "Literally nowhere else to go." "The... er... bathroom's currently on a bucket flush system." "The fridge is fucked, but the bag out the window's functioning very well." "We do peg and reuse the teabags." "And this... this'll be your room." "Oh, here goes." "Oh, it's OK." "No skagheads, no corpses, no nonces." "It's Nan's." "Right." "Great." "She isn't still using it, is she?" "She's dead, Jeremy." "If you want to stop going on about it for one single minute." "Right, sorry." "Of course." "The bag." "Finally my destiny has arrived." "Coaster!" "Fucking hell, Jez, I'm not an animal." "Right, well, this is nice." "I can put all of my..." "Hans, it's a snake!" "Yeah, there are snakes." "There are quite a few snakes in your room." "It's... hard to keep count." "They're very good at hiding." "Sneaky like that." "Not to be too la-di-da, but is there a room with fewer snakes available?" "I tried bagging them up, but that didn't go down too well so I just let them get on with it." "Don't worry, though." "They're all right... for snakes." "I hope Jeremy's OK in Super Hans' bag." "It is a sleeping bag, yeah?" "Who cares?" "I bet Jez doesn't." "He's having the time of his life." "So... when do you think you might be, you know, bringing your stuff over?" "No pressure." "'Translation - some pressure.'" "Probably in about a week." "Jason's van's in the garage." "'Jason - the only man with a van.'" "Hey, Dobby, come over here a minute." "'Maybe they're going to brainstorm another excuse not to move in.'" "'I wonder what she's laughing about." "Could just go and ask." "'"What the fuck are you laughing about?" "!"" "'Might seem a bit aggressive, though.'" "So, five-a-side on Sunday." "We're down a man if you fancy it." "Oh, I'd love to, but I've got a roast chicken summit with Alice." "'Five-a-side, ugh." "'That's where all the men go to laugh at the rest of us 'who can't check the brake fluid or shoot a baboon." "'Alastair Campbell and Alan Hansen and probably Brian Cox, 'even though he pretends he's not one of them.'" "Oh, my God, I was just chatting to Trish." "Big news." "What?" "She's a transsexual." "She's started hormone therapy and in January she's having the op." "Oh, my God." "Really?" "No, of course not, dickhead!" "The company's got a six-month project in New York and Trish asked how I'd feel about being part of it." "Oh..." "OK." "Wow." "It's between me and Claire with the hair." "So don't mention it to anyone." "God, I've been looking forward to moving in with you for months but..." "'Oh, the but.'" "Oh, it's difficult." "Yeah." "God." "Yeah." "'The invented job offer to escape cohabitation." "Classic." "'That is very me.'" "I'm not trying to move back in or anything, just forgot to give you my keys." "You can come round any time you like, old friend." "'That's nice." "He's so nice." "'He might even let me steal his girlfriend.'" "Yeah, loose keys." "Never owned a keyring, waste of money." "Yeah?" "Your Holsten Pils keyring?" "The guys over at Holsten are laughing their arses off at you, advertising their beer to yourself every time you come home." "Hi, Jez." "How's life in the bag?" "Hi, Dobs." "Yeah, great." "'Wet from the shower, Warm from the oven.'" "Great to get finally bagged up." "It's like a chrysalis." "I'm going to emerge like some kind of mad butterfly." "I just came back to give Mark my keys." "Stay for a cup of tea, at least." "Yeah, tea, or Um Bongo, the delicious tropical juice drink with overtones of colonial racism." "'God, I love you." "It's all good." "'Except it's all so very bad." "Oh, my room." "'It's like looking at my own grave, except I'm so dead there's not even a body in it.'" "It's going to be my home office." "Funny, eh?" "What happened to the... bed and the desk?" "Dobby and me drove them to the... dump." "There's a great little area to leave stuff someone else might want." "Did you see anyone take them?" "Actually, someone did take the bed, a... woman." "Oh, that's nice to know." "Gone to a good home, old... beddy." "Yeah." "'She was very much The on-methadone, 'living-in-a-halfway-house type, but best not to mention that.'" " I could give it a lick of paint if you like." " Um..." "'Pay me to hang around With Dobby.'" "I'll do it to the highest professional standards." "Yes?" "Can I show you exhibit A, one of the walls that you started painting ten years ago and never finished?" "Please, Mark." "I'll... think about it." "'I've thought about it and it's a no.'" "How's everything at Hans'?" "Yeah, great." "Oh, good." "I..." "I was worried it wouldn't be nice." "No, no, it's nice." "I mean, little bump, cos my room is a bit... full of snakes." "Snakes?" "!" "Yeah." "It's a bit of a snake pit." "But we're going to bag them up once we get some coke and get on a bagging vibe." "Until then, I'm sleeping on the sofa, which is great." "Except Hans is... something of a night owl." "Oh." "But aside from the snakes and the... no sleep, good?" "Yeah, really good." "I mean, we are taking quite a lot of drugs." "I did wonder before, you know, "Will it be too much drugs at Hans'?" ""I mean, he talks a lot about them but he probably doesn't take that many."" "But it turns out he does do a hell of a lot." "Right." "Yeah." "We had a system but it kind of broke down." "'Surprise, surprise.'" "That's probably a bit of a hazard with drug-taking." "You need to be really careful with the ratios." "We just got the ratios a bit off." "So..." "I do think I am addicted to drugs now." "Well, you've always been addicted to drugs, Jeremy." "I'm not a drug addict." "Not until very, very recently." "You smoke marijuana every day and always have." "That's not being a drug addict, Mark, you moron." "That's just having a little number to take the edge off." "So, um, Dobby's finally moved in." "Congratulations." "'You lucky, lucky bastard.'" "Actually, she's not moving in till next week, when Jason's van's all fixed up." "Oh." "Right." "'Jason's van?" "That sounds like the kind of bullshit I come up with.'" "I..." "I was worried she was delaying on purpose, having cold feet." "'Yes!" "God, I'm such a bad friend.'" "And now she's had this job offer in New York that I'm not supposed to talk about." "Do you think she could have made that up to avoid moving in?" "'Duh." "Obviously.'" "I wouldn't worry, mate." "So I've booked a romantic weekend away for us." "'Shit.'" "Great." "I'm going to nail down this New York lie." "Get her away, confront her and watch her squirm." "Brilliant." "Yeah." "Very romantic." "'Look normal." "Look like you fit in." "'Do a little run.'" "Hey, Simon!" "Mark..." "Heard you guys might need an extra pair of legs for the game." "Umm... we got Olly to come down, so we're on five-a-side." "Oh?" "But, mate, join in." "Mark's joining bibs, you get him second half." "'Bibs." "Great." "'He naturally assumes I know about bibs.'" "So what are you, defence, attack, goalie?" "Bit of this, bit... bit of that." "D'you see the game the other night?" "Which game?" "The..." "The big fixture." "Oh, you missed a great one." "It was a really... great game." "Nothing over head height, no slides, no-one in the D, yeah?" "'Oh, God, what?" "What?" "I need to write this down!" "'" "Can I touch it?" "Switch it." "Switch it!" "'What does that mean?" "' I..." "I don't know what you mean!" "Switch it!" "Sorry, guys." "I..." "I was going to, you know, kick it up the other end and just put one... right in their fucking goal hole, but... no dice." "So I hear something big might be happening for you guys on the other side of the pond." "Make sure you stay in some space, yeah, Mark?" "Yeah, dude, don't worry, I've got this whole wing side on lockdown." "New York-based project, yeah?" "'Hmm, suspiciously quiet." "'Maybe Dobby is playing me for a trout." "'There is no New York deal!" "'" "Take him out." "Take out!" "'What?" "What?" "'" "That was too hard!" "Someone's going to get hurt if you kick it that hard!" "I mean, that was just too hard, correct?" "'Need to admit I love Dobby." "Who to tell first?" "'Her - more exciting, him - more noble." "'Or... together?" "'More Jeremy Kyle, with a small chance 'he might cave my head in with his 2003 Personal Finance Award.'" "You've got some paint on the light switch." "Yeah, well, that's going to happen, unless I take forever." "Is this... white?" "Is this actual white?" "It's apple white." "It's cheaper." "Oh, I don't want slightly green white." "Oh, Jez, this isn't what I wanted at all!" "Oh, come on, Mark." "You knew when you hired me it wasn't going to be a "professional" job." "Hey, Dobs." "Why the fuck have you been spying on me?" "I..." "I'm sorry?" "Did you try and squeeze information out of Simon about the New York job while pretending to play football?" "I wasn't pretending." "I..." "I just happened to be passing and felt like a kickaround and, in the lulls, tried to strike up friendly banter." "You happened to be passing a sports centre in Hackney on the way from your flat in Croydon to your corner shop in Croydon?" "'Ooh, poor old Mark." "The old stepping-on-the-rake trick." "'All I have to do is paint and wait." "'Wait and paint.'" "I suppose I..." "I didn't believe you liked me enough to move in with me." "Don't be a fucking dickhead." "I guess it's things like... calling me "a fucking dickhead" so much." ""Dickhead" is a term of endearment, knobhead." "Of course the job is real." "'Oh, fuck.'" "And now they've offered me the job." "They've chosen me over Claire." "Well... congratulations." "Yeah." "Claire's never going to get on until she rethinks the hair." "So..." "I don't know what to do." "Well, if... if you don't mind me making a suggestion... why don't you stay and move in with me?" "But... this is a big opportunity." "New York." "It's massive." "Sure, the... the Massive Apple." "But, at the same time," "I've just had the home office painted." "I'll be moving my desk in there." "You can have this whole bit." "'Mmm, is she going to buy this?" "'Might have to sex up the bit.'" "It ain't Greenwich Village, but it's yours." "I actually did quite a good job, though I say it myself." "I'm sorry I doubted you." "No problemo." "I'd have doubted me too if..." "Hang on." "Have you cleaned the paint off that light switch?" "No, Jez, why would I...?" "Yes, you bloody did!" "This is loads better than when I left it." "I'm sorry, I just wanted it to be nice, and obviously you're not competent." "Oh, God." "Look." "All the charm's gone, all my little touches." "It's like you've put a fluorescent safety jacket on the Mona Lisa." "So..." "Dobby's thinking about taking the job in New York." "Oh, no." "'Oh, God.'" "But I've got a plan." "I'm going to push things up a gear." "I'm going to ask Dobby to marry me." "'Fuck!" "'" "I just think now's the time for a big statement, show her how I really feel." "I'm going to pop the question in the Quantocks on the weekend." "Dobby's driving." "She's stopping off to see Gerrard's sister and her depressing laundry outlet in Reading." "The Quantocks?" "Where you accidentally proposed to Sophie?" "Is that where you have to ask women to marry you, by law?" "So... do you think it's a good plan?" "Show her how I feel?" "Well, honestly..." "'This is the moment." "Got to tell him the truth." "Tell him I love Dobby." "'Grasp the nettle and get stung to fuck 'and face the firing squad and get shot to bloody pieces.'" "Yeah, good plan." "Thanks, Jez." "Good to talk it through with a mate." "'Didn't grasp the nettle, obviously." "Who would grasp a fucking nettle?" "'" "It's very good of you to help me, Jez, but it's not the 1830s." "I..." "I think I'll survive the terrifying train experience." "'Got to tell him I love Dobby." "That's the honourable way." "'Tell him, then tell Dobby." "'Dobby will say she needs to think about it 'but I'll be able to tell she really does love me, 'probably, and we buy Mark a cake and all have a right old..." "laugh?" "'" "Right, well, er, thanks." "See you Monday." "Hope everything goes well." "Thanks, mate." "'Got to say it." "'Got to say something.'" "The train's going to leave, Jeremy." "Yeah." "So, apologies, but I think you should know I'm in love with Dobby." "I'm sorry, what the fucking hell are you talking about?" "I thought it was only fair for you to know." "Goodbye." "Sorry, can I just get past?" "Before my best friend kills me with a tuna baguette." "Oh, my fucking God, this train is running on time." "This is unprecedented." "Oh, no." "Oh, fuck!" "Oh, back to the scene of the crime to face the music and dance, like some mad musical murderer." "How the hell am I going to play this?" "Just going to totally fucking ignore it." "It never happened." "So..." "I'm back." "Oh, look, an interview with the new USA national football coach, Jurgen Klinsmann." "What in the name of holy fuck is going on?" "Look, I'm really, really sorry but Dobby..." "I mean, she's just so lovely." "I know she's lovely." "That, sadly, appears to be one thing that we agree on." "I feel terrible." "I do." "I've been carrying around this weight for months." "So you thought it was about time to drop it on my head?" "You don't understand, Mark." "I'm in love with her." "I want to spend the rest of my life with her." "The love tap is gushing." "Well, turn it off." "I can't." "I've tried." "Well, try harder." "Put some fucking elbow grease into it." "How am I supposed to do that when there's no such thing as elbow grease?" "Look, Mark, I knew how much this would hurt you, how angry you'd be." "That's why I planned to tell you and then get off the train right afterwards." "How incredibly noble!" "God, this is so stressful." "I feel terrible." "Tickets, please." "I don't suppose you'd lend me some money for a drink?" "Bit of lager?" "I am the very last person on this train who would lend you money, Jeremy." "Currently, the very thing that would solve all my problems is you dying of thirst." "Tickets, please." "Yeah, I wasn't meant to be here." "I was just helping him with his luggage..." "Not by request." "And then the doors closed." "I..." "I've come on the train by mistake." "Standard single, that's, er, £34.60." "Mark, would you mind?" "Yes, I would mind." "Oh, for God's sake, it's 30 quid, I'll pay you back." "Look, I'm sorry about this, but this is really between you two rather than me." "I mean, we're friends, we live together." "No, we don't." "We're on a weird one." "He's got the money." "Ask him why he won't pay." "The situation is perfectly simple." "There's a passenger without a ticket who refuses to pay for one." "You should remove him from the train." "She can't throw me off a moving train in the middle of nowhere!" "What if I walk on the tracks?" "I might die." "Here's a tip, Jeremy." "Don't walk on the tracks." "I'm going to have to ask you to leave the train at the next station." "Great with me, that's where we're going." "That's your punishment of last recourse?" "Free travel?" "'Probably off to get him 'a complimentary fare-dodger's colouring book.'" "I can't believe you're actually thinking of coming." "I need to tell Dobby." "I told you, like an honourable man..." "An honourable man would have become a monk or chopped his nuts off or gone to Morocco and become a paedo or a charity worker." "That's as may be, but by my own code of ethics..." "Incredibly shitty ethics." "I think I've done the right thing." "So now I'm going to come with you and tell Dobby how I feel." "I mean, you've got to admit, me and Dobby are a better fit than you." "We click." "I haven't heard any clicking." "Oh, the clicking is continuous!" "That's why you haven't noticed it." "Click, click, click, click, click." "Well, me and Dobby make a great... team." "Opposites attract." "No, they don't." "Not really." "That's just something that scientists and people in horrible relationships say." "I mean, be honest, the things you always moan about Dobby " "I mean, you know, the DJ bars, the dope smoking, the poorly arranged finances - don't they remind you of someone?" "I told you all those quibbles in a different... era." "You can't use them against me now in this... kangaroo court of love." "Me and Dobby don't quibble." "You never spend any time together!" "Look, I'm really, really serious, Mark." "I can't see a way out of this." "I think maybe, like..." "like, one of us should kill ourselves." "The life coach speaks!" "Maybe the reason you think you're in love with Dobby is that she's the woman you've been spending most time with recently." "If you'd spent the same amount of time with, I don't know, her, then... you might fall in love with her instead." "Do you think I'm some kind of sex duckling who'll follow anyone around who's got breasts and a vagina?" "No." "I love Dobby, Mark!" "And I know it's true love because I'm prepared to sacrifice my closest friendship for it." "I'm going to tell her." "Look, I..." "I think we need a cooling-off period." "Just go back to London, find out what Nancy's up to, watch some pornos, have a couple of gay flings and then, at the end of... two weeks, if you stil feel the same, then maybe you can say something." "By which time, you've got her all married like a trussed-up hog." "If you agree to hold off, then I could perhaps promise not to ask Dobby to marry me for a couple of weeks." "OK." "Deal?" "Deal." "'Two weeks to find the nicest ring for under £200.'" "OK, mate." "Next one to London's the 12.14." "See you later." "Yeah." "Actually, thinking about it, I don't know if I am going to go back." "Hi." "What the fuck?" "That was the agreement." "I know." "I've just got this quite strong feeling you're going to break the agreement and propose." " I just said I wouldn't." " Yeah, I know." "The thing is, I don't trust you." "What if I say you can't?" "If you say that, I might be forced to say something too." "Hey, Dobs." "Hey, Jez." "Er, yeah, I just thought it might be nice if Jeremy joined us for the weekend." "Hope you don't mind." "Oh, no, that's... totally fine." "Don't mind me." "I'll just be hanging out, staying close to my buddy here." "Cos we look after each other." "You watch my back, I watch yours." "Isn't that right, dude?" "What's going on, Mark?" "I'm really sorry, but I had to bring him." "It turns out there's something I need to tell you about Jeremy." "I should have told you a long time ago but there's a reason why he's such a dickhead." "Yeah?" "It's ironic with the life coaching, but it turns out he's a drug addict." "I won't be long!" "I'll be very quick!" "Right, OK." "Also, he can't get an erection unless he thinks about something... disgusting." "I don't want to say what." "Plus he thinks he might be gay." "He's 80% certain." "'80, nice." "No need to overdo it.'" "So he's dealing with that, which I think is great, and I'm being very supportive over." "I always thought he might be a bit gay, but more like 30%, if I'm honest." "He's incredibly unstable." "So it was either bring him along or risk getting home to find him, you know..." "Yeah." "Right." "It's just..." "our special weekend away?" "'Change the subject.'" "One sugar, Jez?" "Yes, please." "I gave him one without sugar the other day and he got really angry with himself and smashed up a CD case and tried to eat the pieces." "'He'd better not have bloody said anything or there will be repercussions." "'Extremely romantic repercussions.'" "So... did I miss anything?" "I had half a Scotch egg." "Brilliant." "'I need a wee too, but I will continue resisting." "'My bladder is not so easily the master of me, young Jedi.'" "Pie, Mark?" "No, I'm fine, thanks, Dobs, but I'll cut you a slice." "'He doesn't want any delicious pie?" "'Normally he loves pie." "Suspicious." "'Very suspicious." "'He did spend a long time in the kitchen preparing the picnic." "'Of course!" "A ring!" "'He's smuggled the bloody engagement ring into the pie!" "'" "Sorry, Dobs, just need to check something." "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm wise to you, my fine, feathered friend." "'He's gone mad." "Now to stigmatise the mentally ill.'" "Apologies." "All good." "Great picnic, though, Dobs." "Yeah, it's just a shame Jeremy put too many olives in the salad." "No, I bloody didn't." "Dobby doesn't like olives." "If you knew her better, you'd know that." "I don't mind them so much these days." "Yes, you do, you hate them." "Oh, so now you're calling Dobby a liar." "That's charming!" "I'm not, I'm saying she's hiding the truth to be nice." "There's a very big difference." "Look, I really don't mind about the olives." "See?" "Mmm!" "Olives!" "Lovely, Greasy, bitter, horrible olives!" "I told you." "She was being sarcastic." "Can't you tell?" "Hi, Simon." "'Ugh, Simon.'" "Yeah, about 13 olives." "'What part of "ex-boyfriend" doesn't he understand?" "'" "No, I'm just on a picnic." "I'll spit these olives out, hang on." "This is horrible." "Why don't you go back to London, then?" "Oh, so you can ask her to marry you?" "That's what we agreed." "Fuck the agreement." "Oh, great, that's brilliant." "Fuck the agreement." "Fuck the Geneva Convention." "Fuck Parliamentary democracy." "Fuck everything." "Is that your great new idea?" "You know how weak my powers of self-control are." "Normally I can't wait five minutes before having a wank or a spliff or a chocolate biscuit." "I've restrained myself for nearly three hours." "That's got to stand for something." "I'm sorry... but I'm going to tell Dobby how I feel about her." "OK." "Well, in that case, I'm going to ask her to marry me." "No, you're fucking not!" "Yes, I fucking am." " You can't ask someone to marry you without a ring." " Oh, shit, you got me!" "Except, no, you totally haven't, you dickwad." "Of course you can." "You can't propose, it's against the agreement." "The agreement's already broken because you already broke it!" "Oh, fuck you!" "Dobby!" "No, Jeremy!" "Dobby!" "What the hell are you doing?" "That fence is electrified like a motherfucker." "No, Jeremy." "What?" "I know what you're thinking." "Oh, really?" "Is this about the bloody olives?" "No, Dobby." "It's about something else." "Aaagh!" "What the hell did you do that for?" "Because, Dobby, there's something I need to say to..." "Aagh!" "Ow!" "Will you stop electrocuting each other?" "Hi, Simon." "'What's a step up from electric?" "'A nice big stick.'" "Oh, we're allowed sticks now, are we?" "It's come down to sticks." "Is that what it's come down to?" "As a matter of fact, it has." "Well, how about rocks?" "Are rocks invited to the party?" "Come on, then." "Rock me, Amadeus." "You know you want to." "Yeah, you'd love that, wouldn't you?" ""Dobby, the bad man threw a rock at me."" "Mark, if you don't throw that rock at me, I'm going to hit you with this stick." "Those are the available options." "Oh, my God, she's gone." "Where's she gone?" "Yeah, good one." "Distract me, then crush my skull." "I'm not falling for that one, old friend." "Dobby?" "Dobby!" "'Fucking hell!" "'" "Shit." "See?" "She's gone." "You've driven her off." "Happy now?" "!" "Ow!" "You were asking for that, Jez." "Don't tell me you weren't, because you know you were!" "Dobby!" "Please be Dobby." "Oh, fuck." "What?" "She's flying to New York tonight with Simon." "She's..." "She's taking the job." ""Was hoping this weekend" ""would be a chance to make up after all the weirdness."" "She means you spying on her." "You've fucked it, you idiot." "'No, I bloody haven't.'" ""But clearly the fact that you brought J..."" " Jeremy " ""...proves that you can't handle intimacy." You've fucked it, not me." "Hang on, why does it say here that I'm 80% gay?" "I'll kill you, Jeremy, for trying to steal Dobby and electrocuting me and destroying my fucking pie!" "Dobby!"