"EARL:" "I got a chance to see Joy and Darnell after they went into witness protection, but Randy hadn't and he was really missing his friend." "Hey, Earl." "Hey, Scarecrow Crab Man." "As the days went by," "I tried to keep a brave front up for Randy, but when he wasn't around," "I found myself missing everybody, too." "(knocking)" "I'm looking for Darnell Turner." "Sorry, but he's not..." "I don't know anyone named Darnell Turner." "Isn't that Darnell Turner?" "Who, this?" "(grunts)" "Got me." "This was here when we moved in." "The previous tenant probably left it behind." "Isn't that you?" "Wow, yeah, he does kind of look like me." "But if he calls that mess a moustache... (both chuckle)" "Still-- crazy world." "My mistake." "Thank you for your time." "Look, this isn't the first time" "I've been cuffed to something, so if you're trying to freak me out..." "There's a bomb in the briefcase attached to your wrist." "If you don't want your neighbors to pick up pieces of you out of their azaleas, you'll tell me where Darnell Turner is." "What are azaleas?" "While I was imagining myself as azalea fertilizer," "Darnell was coming home to a surprise of his own." "(gunfire)" "Oh, hey, baby, I didn't hear you come in." "Boys, I know shooting hookers is fun, but it's too loud." "Headphones on." "So when did the boys get an Xbox?" "I'm sorry, Darnell, but I had to get it for 'em." "They're not making any friends based on their personalities." "I mean, you've seen that routine they've got worked out where they pick each other's noses." "And it's our bad for laughing so hard the first time they did it." "But you know we can't afford luxury items." "We can't afford not to fit in." "Look, you just worry about selling more insurances and leave everything else to me." "I'll try, baby." "What's for dinner?" "Oh, we already ate." "I miss us eating dinner as a family." "You think this is easy on me?" "I'm working my butt off." "I had to come up with three different disguises to make people think we got a maid, a nanny and a gardener." "Now, if you'll excuse me, time for Carlos to mow the lawn." "I'm telling you, I don't know who you're talking about." "Hey, Earl." "Me and fake Darnell had a blast." "We played darts." "I let him drive the El Camino." "He scratched the back fender." "Tell me where Darnell is." "Look, he doesn't know where Darnell is" "I swear-- just leave my brother alone." "It would kill me if anything happened to him." "That's good to know." "I know how I always make you say you love me before we go to sleep, but if someone's threatening to torture or even kill the thing you love, that's when you can keep it to yourself." "All right, fellas, you got about five minutes before this bomb goes off." "Okay, you let my brother go, and I'll tell you what I know." "Fair enough." "No!" "Think about Joy, Darnell and the kids." "You can blow us up." "We're not afraid." "(whispers):" "Don't worry, I got a plan." "Hey, call me if you want to live." "I'm on "speed dial two."" "(door closing)" "Okay, Randy, what's your plan?" "All we have to do is open up the bomb, say "I hope this works,"" "close our eyes and cut the blue wire." "I seen it a million times on TV." "It's easy." "(beeping)" "What do we do now, Randy?" "I think that we go to commercial." "I'm calling Thomas." "I need a beer." "Damn it, Randy, now what do we do?" "!" "I don't know!" "I can't reach the phone!" "We're ready to talk!" "I can't reach the phone!" "Thomas, we're ready to talk!" "I can't reach the phone!" "We're ready to talk, Thomas!" "(distant shouting) ¶ The girl from Ipanema goes walking ¶" "¶ And when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Ah..." ¶" "There are a few things I need to get off my chest before we die." "First, your teeth are not whiter than mine." "All right, that's it." "Is there anything you need to say to me?" "And if it's that your teeth are whiter than mine, we have a big problem." "Randy, we're not going to die." "We just need to knock this pole down." "Come on, push." "(grunting)" "We need something heavy." "Something with a lot of weight." "How about a...?" "(loud thud)" "Ow, jerk!" "Sorry, I'm just trying to..." "Ow!" "Jackass!" "Ow!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "(beeping)" "We're brothers." "Let's not turn on each other in what could be the last few moments of our lives." "You're right." "Ow!" "That one was just to make us even." "(groans):" "Fair enough." "Well, I guess this is good-bye, brother." "I can't say good-bye." "Hug me." "Maybe then after the explosion, our bits will be mixed up and God will have to take us to Heaven together." "(both yelling)" "(beeping continues)" "(countdown clock beeping;" "Earl and Randy yelling)" "(yelling)" "Randy!" "It didn't go off." "We're alive." "RANDY:" "Huh." "One of the blue wires must've got loose." "Randy!" "It's not broken." "It's not a real bomb." "I thought by handcuffing you to fake explosives, you'd give up Darnell's location." "You didn't crack." "You guys would make good soldiers." "That's what the guy in the Wal-Mart parking lot is always telling us." "Yeah, he says that because we..." "Sneak attack!" "Ow!" "Gentlemen, let's just be done with the violence." "What do you say?" "Yeah, yeah." "Sure." "Sure." "Good." "I'd hate to have to kill a couple of my son's friends." "EARL:" "Wait..." "You're-you're Darnell's dad?" "Tell us some embarrassing stories about him." "Wait, how do we know you're not lying?" "Can't you see the resemblance?" "Darnell always told us his dad died in the American-Canadian War." "No." "You guys ought to read more." "I'm not surprised Darnell didn't tell you about me." "I wasn't a great dad." "EARL:" "Darnell's dad wasn't must of a father, but he was one of the best covert government agents, which meant having drinks after work with the boys had a whole different meaning." "To Communism!" "So he didn't have much time for day-to-day parenting." "It's your son-- he fell down some stairs and broke his arm." "Tell him this telephone number's for emergencies only." "(people screaming in distance)" "In fact, sometimes he nearly forgot he had a family at all." "Wait a second..." "What day is it today?" "Uh, I think it's the 14th." "Oh, crap!" "Run out to Walgreens and get me a belated birthday card." "We're in Angola." "I don't know where Walgreens is." "Hey, where's Walgreens?" "What is Walgreens?" "Tell me where Walgreens is!" "(sobbing):" "I don't know!" "So you were in the CIA or the FBI?" "Even more secretive than that." "Don't tell me" " IRS." "PBS?" "TCBY?" "Actually, it was..." "BYOB." "Son... you're getting on my last nerve." "So because you're in some secret organization, that's why Darnell has to be in the witness protection program?" "It's complicated, but, basically, yes." "See, I want to trust you, but you did just handcuff us to a bomb." "A fake bomb." "And when you gonna let it go?" "Just take the picture to Darnell." "He'll verify who I am." "Look, I just want to get right by my son." "No matter how difficult our relationship has been in the past, every boy needs to know that his father loves him." "How do I know that's a real tear?" "Taste." "(voice breaking):" "We're going." "So we left Thomas at the trailer and took the picture to find out if it really was Darnell's dad." "You told me that your daddy died in a Ferris wheel accident." "That's why you'll never ride 'em." "I don't ride them because you refuse to obey the "no rocking" sign." "Plus, I didn't want to talk about my dad." "Two birds." "Darnell, I've missed you so much." "You've got to come back to Camden." "You'll never believe it-- we've got a black president now." "JOY:" "Zip it, dummy." "Darnell?" "The truth is, my father and I have a long complicated history that I didn't want to delve into." "EARL:" "That's when Darnell told us the story about his entire life as Harry Monroe." "From an early age, Thomas saw that his son was exceptional." "So like any good secret agent would, he shipped his son off for spy training." "(high-pitched yell)" "Shaken, stirred." "And, eventually, Darnell went from special training to special ops." "Dad!" "What a surprise." "It's been so long." "How's everything at home?" "All your grandparents are dead and we painted the kitchen." "Here are you orders." "Your flight leaves in 45 minutes." "Hey, there's about to be a Donkey Kong kill screen in the game tent, if you're interested." "Darnell was the agency's best, until one day the agency asked him to go too far." "I wondered how long it would take the Americans to send someone to kill me." "Why is it you are so threatened by a pediaocracy?" "Are you Wang Wa, king of the Opti nation?" "Oh, well, at least I lived longer than my father." "Fire when ready." "You were successful." "No, there must be some kind of mistake." "He's a nine-year-old kid." "No, he's a nine-year-old Socialist who wants to nationalize the diamond mines." "He saw Veggie Tales about sharing, and it's turned his head all around." "EARL:" "Thinking about that little boy made Darnell start to question all he had given up for the agency, which made him question why the agency was asking him to do all this to begin with." "And though he wasn't in the Navy," "Darnell testified before something called a subcommittee and nearly brought down his father's entire agency." "My father never forgave me for testifying." "The whole agency wanted me dead." "That's why I had to go into witness protection." "So your dad turned you into a trained assassin." "My dad would make me hold the flashlight when he'd work under the sink." "Sometimes dads suck, but you gotta get past it." "Look, he even gave me a belated birthday card for you." "Oh, no." "Oh, no!" "Wha-Wha-What's the big deal?" "Wake up-- he didn't like the card." "(grunts)" "(grunts)" "Hello, Dad." "Hello, son." "Let's do this." "(yells)" "EARL:" "Darnell hadn't seen his father in years, and it wasn't the happiest of reunions." "Stop blocking." "I'm your father." "You weren't a father." "If you were a father, you would have coached my archery team or taught me stalkery or at least given me a hug once in a while." "I knew what kind of life lay ahead of you, and I didn't want you to be soft like your brother." "What brother?" "That's not important." "You robbed me of a childhood and, apparently, of a brother." "Oh, hey, this is a waste of time." "I trained you too well." "And neither one of us is gonna land a punch." "You're right." "(groans)" "Learned some things in the streets." "I'm getting too old for this crap." "Look, if I can find you, so can anyone at the agency." "Your two friends-- they're brave, but they're idiots." "The tall one can't even tell the difference between a tear and saline solution." "What do you want?" "I want to give you a chance to make up for what you did to the agency and so you can stop running." "You can go back to living your life again." "What would I have to do?" "One last mission." "Then I'm out." "No strings attached." "Yes." "Uncle Sam has agreed to wipe the slate clean." "Uncle Sam the government or your freaky brother who used to pay me a hundred dollars to rub his feet?" "The government." "Darnell knew working for the agency again could get him killed." "But, to Darnell, eating TV dinners alone was no life at all." "So he'd do anything so they could be the family they used to be." "I'll do it." "Hey, Crab Man!" "BOTH:" "Hey, Earl." "Where am I?" "What's going on?" "Helicopter." "Secret mission." "My father brought you along to make sure I cooperate." "He has trust issues." "I promise no long-term harm will come to you unless, of course, harm comes to me, in which case, I doubt you'll survive." "But I prefer to focus on the positive." "Okay." "I'm gonna give you a shot to knock you out, so you don't see anything you're not supposed to." "But if you need to cry, now would be a good time." "Thank you..." "(sobbing)" "Hello?" "Oh... hey, Pat." "Thank you for taking the boys." "I'll be happy to take yours next week, if you want." ""Dear Baby," "Sorry about laying all this on you in written form..."" "Randy, they're gone." "Earl, don't move." "Do not move." "¶ There's a man who leads a life of danger ¶" "¶ To everyone he meets... ¶" "Thank you for this artifact." "P. Diddy will pay a pretty penny once I hammer it into the hood of a Bentley." "Here-- you will find the man you seek." "He's awake." "¶ Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow ¶" "¶ Secret agent man ¶" "¶ Secret agent man... ¶" "Don't worry." "We'll get out of this." "It's cool." "My contact lens popped out." "¶ A pretty face can hide an evil mind... ¶" "You don't tell me what I want," "I'll kill your wives, one by one, starting with the hot one." "MAN:" "Fakira!" "Okay, okay, I will tell him!" "The anthrax will be released from the AC duct in the northwest corner of the building." "¶ Secret agent man ¶" "¶ Secret agent man ¶" "¶ They're giving you a number... ¶" "EARL:" "This might be a bad time, but I need to use the bathroom." "You're wearing a diaper." "(timer beeping)" "(helicopter thrumming)" "Crab Man?" "BOTH:" "Hey, Earl." "Is it over?" "I'm sure you have a lot of questions." "No, just the one:" "Is it over?" "Yeah, it's over." "And we're sorry we had to knock you out so many times-- 45, to be exact." "You're gonna want to drink a lot of water today." "Will there be any side effects?" "(stuttering gasps)" "Just that." "(clattering, engine stalling, alarm blaring)" "The engine's failing!" "We're going down!" "Not enough parachutes!" "Earl, you get the first parachute 'cause you're a civilian, and, more importantly, cause you're a friend!" "Thanks, Crab Man." "Just in case I never see you again, I just want to say... (stuttering gasp)" "I feel the same way!" "(Earl's scream fades rapidly)" "(screaming continues)" "(screaming stops)" "(laughing)" "(whooping)" "Here, take it." "No!" "This is an order, Agent Monroe!" "You're no longer my commanding officer!" "But I'm still your father and I love you!" "I've waited so long for you to say that!" "I'm not leaving without a hug first!" "There's no time!" "I'm not accepting that excuse anymore, Dad!" "(alarms blaring)" "Darnell speaks seven languages and has a black belt in three styles of fighting that end in "do."" "He's gonna be fine." "And Earl has a real nice smile and can play "Wipeout" on his stomach." "He's gonna be fine, too." "We just gotta be strong." "(car horn honks)" "RANDY:" "That's Earl!" "EARL:" "Everyone was safe, and Crab Man would never again have to pretend to be anyone other than who he was:" "a loving husband, a great father and one of the best friends I ever had." "REPORTER:" "Coming up, it was a busy day in world news." "A theft in Cairo's Royal Egyptian Museum, the crash of a military helicopter in the Bay of Bengal, and a bomb containing enough anthrax to kill everyone in western France, mysteriously failed to detonate." "Now it's time to take a look at last week's Camden school bus report." "Shh." "Don't worry, I'll never say a... (stuttering gasps)" "Let's eat."