"You'll understand if I don't let you go in with me, won't you, Gilbert?" "Under the circumstances, I would like a moment alone with my father." "Do you have to be so darn dramatic about everything?" "Good night!" "Your father is only a statue." "How does he know whether you're alone with him or not?" "I forgive you for that, Gilbert." "I realize you can't help it if you don't understand about certain things, you being from the South the way you are." "That statue just happens to be symbolic of the very soul of this town, that's all." "Now it looks like it's going to rain, so if you don't mind, I'm in kind of a hurry." "I'll see you at school tomorrow." "You will not." "You'll come by for me like you always do." "I know it." "Hello, Diana." "Good evening." "I always save all the ribbons." "Sometimes the wordings on them absolutely make you cry, they're so beautiful." "Well, it ain't every statue that has memorial services" "for it every year." "Well, I guess not." "The Water Department is always the most poetical." "Last year, their ribbon said," ""Every drop of our water is a tear for your departure."" "Isn't that super?" "It makes me so happy to think of all the hoses and faucets and things all over town crying about my father." "A birthday party for a statue!" "Why, it's enough to turn your stomach." "Folks thought a heap of Jonathan, Mort." "Well, I didn't." "And now I not only have to look at him day and night, but I have to look at him from behind." "The first thing I'm going to do when I'm mayor of this town is get rid of that hulking insult!" "I wouldn't be so sure of myself, if I was you, Mort." "Folks think a heap of Anne, too." "A lady mayor." "Why, it's a disgrace." "There's lots of lady things nowadays, Mort." "It wouldn't startle me none if someday we'll have a lady president." "I hope I'm dead!" "Anne has done a good job, Mort." "I was talking to somebody just the other night about her reelection and..." "You're supposed to be talking about me." "You work for me, don't you?" "Sure, Mort, but you've been running for mayor against the Crandall family for so many years that nobody pays any attention to it anymore." "lf I can't beat a woman..." "She has done a good job, Mort." "But she'll slip." "Women always do." "And when she does, I'll be around, Perc." "I'll be around." "Jessie's waxed the stairs again." "I wish she wouldn't." "That's the third time I've slipped." "Besides, it makes the hall smell like an old bee's nest." "I told her about it a dozen times, but it seems Diana likes them waxed." "It seems Jessie likes them waxed." "It seems they've been waxed for 100 years." "It also seems you're a big shot in your office and a nonentity at home." "It's starting to rain." "Has Diana come in yet?" "Why should she come in?" "There are two men out there watching her be wistful." "She won't walk out on that in a hurry." "Shame on you." "How do you feel?" "Gout isn't very pleasant, you know." "Of course not." "It seems such a pity it has to flare up every time the family is expected to make a public appearance." "lt does seem a pity, doesn't it?" "Yes." "That's just what I thought." "It's a little late, isn't it?" "Faker!" "For heaven's sakes, don't tell Diana." "Father, I really should." "It would serve you right." "You ought to be ashamed of yourself." "Well, I'm not." "Grandfather!" "What?" "Hello, Diana." "Grandfather Crandall, you weren't sick." "You didn't have the gout at all." "You just didn't want to go to the anniversary." "You cheated." "I don't know where you get this dishonesty about things." "You certainly didn't get it from me or my father." "It's not that I care about myself, but I think it's so humiliating to my father that his own father..." "For heaven's sakes, don't cry." "I'll go next year." "I'll go tomorrow." "But don't cry." "First thing you know, you'll get thin again and your mother will have my hide." "You think I got thin on purpose just to get you in trouble." "I can't help it if I'm metabolic, can l?" "Darling, please!" "You'll feel wretched tomorrow." "Of course I will, but it won't be my fault, will it?" "I'm perfectly willing to be healthy, but if certain persons are always upsetting your glands, how can l?" "Run on upstairs and I'll send Jessie up." "I don't want Jessie, Mother." "I want you." "All right, darling," "I'll be up in a minute." "It's like living with a box of matches." "It's just her age, Father." "Her age?" "You've been telling me that for 10 years." "What age does she have to be before she gets unmetabolic?" "I think it's all an act, anyway." "Don't judge everybody by yourself, darling." "And take that silly thing off your foot." "All right, all right." "Diana does worry me, though, Father." "She isn't strong and yet she seems healthy enough." "It's hard to put your finger on." "If you'll take my advice, you'll put a hand on hard." "I did that once, remember?" "She went to bed with a nervous breakdown." "Nobody was more upset than you were." "Remember?" "Well, she looked so little in that big bed." "Exactly." "And I am just enough of an egotist to love her loving me so much." "But it makes me feel so terribly responsible." "More so than if she were a child of my own." "I don't suppose you know what I mean by that?" "Yes, I do." "You are not my own child and look how I worry about you." "Me?" "Why, for heaven's sake?" "Well, it isn't normal for a beautiful young woman to have her sense of duty all swollen up like yours is." "lt isn't becoming, either." "You never will be serious." "I have never been more serious in my life!" "It hurts my soul to see a beautiful dish like you wasted on a neurotic stepchild, a hunk of a statue and a fusty community like Brookhaven." "My soul, it hurts!" "Why, darling." "All right, all right, all right." "Has it ever occurred to you that I like my life?" "Because I do, you know." "Why?" "It's neat." "It's practically antiseptic." "It's busy..." "Full of storm drains and taxes." "It's comfortable." "You're too young to be comfortable." "And I have you, you miserable old reprobate." "I can think of a couple of things you haven't got." "What?" "Well, you're a widow." "Yes." "And..." "Don't be so darn difficult!" "You know, darling, you amuse me." "Amuse you?" "Yes." "You can't bear to see a woman living alone and liking it." "No man can." "Instinctively, it terrifies them." "You're a vanishing race and you know it, and the minute you lose your hold over us emotionally, wow!" "So, naturally, your platform must be, "Husbands are necessary."" "And they're not, really." "That's the most outrageous..." "So stop bothering your nice old head about me, because I'm not frustrated," "I'm not to be pitied, I am not anything but perfectly happy." "Anne Crandall, you're a liar." "I don't think you know it, mind you, but you're a liar." "You talk like a free soul, but you're the most manacled creature" "I have ever seen." "Mercy, look at that rain." "Everything you do, everything you say, everything you breathe is the way Jonathan did it, said it and breathed it." "Why don't you stop living his life and live your own?" "If I know Jonathan, he is as irritated with you as I am." "I'll bet he's bored to death with the hero-worshipping show he has to put up with." "When you hear from him to that effect, you'll let me know, won't you?" "Well..." "And until then, you just shut up." "See?" "Good morning, Lillian." "Good morning, Your Honor." "I'm terribly sorry about what happened last night." "Did you see the paper?" "Mort really had a field day for himself." "Yes, I can believe that." "He claims it was a special act of providence to end the Crandall dynasty." "Mr. Buchanan has quite an imagination." "I'm marrying somebody this morning, am I not?" "Yes, Your Honor, the Potter kid and his girl." "Did Diana take it awfully hard?" "Yes, she did." "What a question." "ls there anything else?" "Mr. Witherspoon is waiting inside." "He has some sanitation problems." "I'll sanitation problem him." "I've had 18 complaints from the Southside in the past week." "Just because..." "Just because people are poor, Mr. Witherspoon, they don't want to live with a lot of old potato peelings." "It's the manpower, Your Honor." "Manpower, my eye." "Use womanpower, then." "Women?" "To collect garbage?" "Why not?" "Women see more garbage in their lives than men do, don't they?" "They might as well get paid for it." "Extra!" "Extra!" "Jonathan Crandall got his block knocked off." "Read all about it." "Extra!" "Extra!" "Jonathan Crandall got his block knocked off." "Read all about it." "That certainly was a tragedy what happened to Jonathan, Your Honor." "Nonsense." "What's tragic about it?" "It can easily be repaired." "All right." "You told me to shut up unless I heard from him." "All right, I've heard from him." "Father, what on Earth..." "Jonathan." "You don't think that was an accident, do you?" "Look at that." "Does that look like an accident?" "Father..." "If that isn't your answer, I never saw one." "Jonathan pitched that lightning bolt himself." "He had the greatest right I ever saw, anyway." "You asked for a sign, all right, you've got one." "Now will you quit lying to yourself and burst those chains and start having some fun for yourself?" "Father!" "Mr. Witherspoon is here." "Why?" "Hello, Witherspoon." "Hi." "Mr. Witherspoon's having problems on the Southside." "But it's nothing compared to your problem, Mr. Crandall." "My trouble is just man shortage." "So is ours." "My father-in-law has such a delightful sense of humor." "Your Honor, the Potter kid and..." "Tell him to wait." "The mayor says that you're going to put Jonathan back together again." "We are not." "Of course we are!" "We are not!" "I waited five years for an excuse to get rid of that bronze monstrosity." "Your Honor, Mr. Buchanan is here." "I can't see him just now." "Explain to him..." "That the garbage collector is here." "That's perfect." "I want to see him, too." "I thought your business was collecting trash, instead of leaving it around to be an eyesore." "Why, it is." "Why don't you collect it, then?" "Look here, Mr. Buchanan..." "There is a pile of trash over in the town square that's the worst eyesore I ever saw." "It's always been an eyesore, but now that it's got no head..." "Do you want me to haul it away?" "Over my dead body you'll haul that statue away." "That statue stays." "Even without a head, my son's a better man than you are, Mort Buchanan." "But you just said, Mr. Crandall..." "I don't care what I said." "If Mort Buchanan wants it hauled away, it stays." "If you gentlemen have finished, I'll tell you what's going to be done." "The statue is going to be repaired." "Mother, Mother, I've just heard the most awful thing I've ever heard in my life." "Diana, dear, what is it?" "I heard you were going to put my father's head back on again." "Well, yes, dear, I thought..." "Mother, I didn't believe it when they told me." "I couldn't believe it." "It's the most gruesome thing I've ever heard of." "My father's head stitched back on his..." "Mother, I'd feel every stitch personally." "Your Honor, the Potter kid says..." "Ask him to wait." "Diana, dear, what is it that you want?" "Why, a new statue, naturally." "What?" "Why not?" "A bigger one." "On a horse, I want it." "Wait till all that turns its back on you." "I have no business going to New York to interview a sculptor." "I have no time." "Nonsense." "You've got at least 30 years more." "It's time you started using it." "Father, really." "That's beginning to be a little boring, if you don't mind." "You won't forget to look at a new x-ray machine for the hospital, will you, Your Honor?" "Of course I won't." "Why should I forget it?" "And buy a new hat." "A new hat?" "What's the matter with the one I have on?" "It looks like a hat, that's what's the matter with it." "When women start wearing hats that look like hats, they're on the way out." "At your age you ought to be on the way in." "ln what?" "Buy a new hat and find out." "Father!" "Here you are, George." "Yes, sir." "Goodbye, Father." "Goodbye." "You are sure you can handle the people?" "For goodness sakes, Your Honor, you'll be back tomorrow." "All aboard!" "Bye." "All aboard!" "Bye." "I can only hope." "Hope for what, Mr. Crandall?" "I don't think you'd remember, Lillian." "Fifteen, please." "New hat?" "Yes." "Practically." "Cute as heck." "It does things for you." "Makes a guy want to do things for you, too." "Well!" "Don't get sore." "Women are just like actors." "Actors beef because people bother them for their autographs, but it's a sad day when nobody asks them anymore." "See?" "You're quite a philosopher, aren't you?" "You work in an artists' building and you get to know dames." "Hey, lady!" "Your stocking's crooked." "You got to relieve the monotony of this job some way." "I beg your pardon." "It's quite all right." "I..." "I was just..." "I've never seen you before, have I?" "Why, no, I'm..." "Sometimes I'm not sure." "Clothes make such a difference." "I have been working straight through all night and all day, so I won't want to work now." "No, I didn't expect you..." "But I did have to find out if you do." "Here she is." "All she needs is a certain line here." "I hope you've got it." "Mr." "Corday..." "You'll find the dressing room through there." "You won't have to undress completely." "Mr." "Corday..." "Now look, this is simply an interview." "Yes, but I..." "If you have the curve I'm looking for, fine." "If you haven't got it, then I'll just have to look until I find it, that's all." "But you don't understand." "Now, if you don't mind." "I have an appointment here with a small-town mayor at 6:00 and, you know, small-town mayors might not understand beautiful models running around." "Really?" "And why not?" "Have you ever met a small-town mayor?" "Yes, I have." "And I don't like your tone, Mr. Corday." "What's the matter with small-town mayors?" "Well, they're on the narrow-minded side, let us say." "I have never met one with a sense of humor." "And they are always all out of shape." "You don't say." "I hope you have an exquisite sense of humor, Mr. Corday, because in about two seconds you are going to need it." "What do you mean?" "I am Mayor Crandall, Mr. Corday." "I had an appointment with you at 6:00." "Well, I'm not going to apologize, you know." "Because you are a fraud." "I beg your..." "You are a fraud and a delusion." "You deserve to be embarrassed." "You have no business running around with mayor insides" "and such a beautiful outside." "Mr." "Corday..." "And that hat." "That is definitely not a mayor's hat." "Mr. Corday, this hat, apparently, was a grave mistake." "It was bought at the suggestion of someone else." "I didn't think it was a very good idea at the time." "But, I assure you, there is a mayor under this hat" "and we'll just go on from there, shall we?" "Certainly." "And I shan't insult your profession by assuming that your outward appearance belies your reputation as a sincere artist." "Proving that you are more of a gentleman than I, Mayor Crandall." "I have some photographs here of the ex-Mayor Crandall." "The one of whom you're to do the statue." "I thought they might help you." "Yes, they would." "Would you sit down, please?" "Thank you." "Fine-looking man." "Thank you." "Your father?" "My husband." "No." "Why not?" "No reason." "No reason at all." "Naturally, I shall have to know some facts about your ex-husband." "I mean, something about the spirit of the man, you understand." "I think so." "How long were you married to him?" "Five years." "His age when he married you?" "Forty-two." "But I don't see how that fact..." "That's a very important fact." "A man who waits until he is 42 to marry must have definite characteristics." "I was his second wife." "Two wives." "Any children?" "Yes." "One by his first wife." "Children, one by his first wife." "None by you, then?" "Mr. Corday, I see no need of..." "Mrs. Crandall, these things are of no personal interest to me whatsoever, I assure you." "It is simply that I need to know the man, that's all." "This is a professional interview and I wish you would conduct it as such." "Well, I..." "Thank you." "Now, let me see." "Was he a particularly affectionate man?" "Mr. Corday." "Mrs. Crandall, your persistence in placing this interview on a personal basis is very embarrassing to me." "Embarrassing to you!" "All right, Mr. Corday, go ahead, please." "Thank you." "Now, let me see what..." "Oh, yes." "Was he a particularly affectionate husband?" "I believe you said, "Was he a particularly affectionate man?"" "Just tell me the things you are aware of." "Mr. Corday, my husband was a Crandall." "The Crandalls founded Brookhaven." "They have been involved with..." "They have been involved with governing the town since its inception." "There is a certain dignity that goes with such tradition." "Very dignified." "Affectionate?" "We will place a question mark after that, shall we?" "A question mark it is." "Now, the fact that you are still Mrs. Crandall tells me that you have never remarried." "Have you ever entertained the idea of remarrying?" "I have never entertained the idea of remarrying." "I have erased the question mark after affectionate." "You see how one thing leads to another?" "Mr." "Corday." "Excuse me." "Jeepers!" "What weather!" "Brother, this storm is gonna make history, I bet you!" "Are you Mr. Corday?" "Yes." "My name is Muriel Thorn." "The agency thinks I have what you want." "I'm pretty good!" "I hear you're pretty good, also." "This is Mrs. Crandall, Miss Thorn." "Hello." "You don't mind if I..." "Not at all." "Come with me, please." "Okay." "ls that her?" "Yes." "We're a cinch." "I'll fit her like a motorman's glove." "The door to the right." "Be right with you." "Do sit down, please." "And now, then..." "How long has your husband been dead, Mrs. Crandall?" "Five years." "Five..." "You have been a widow for five years?" "Naturally." "On the contrary, there is nothing natural about that." "When a beautiful young woman refuses to marry after all that time, well, it is either because her marriage was so perfect that..." "My husband had a very happy marriage." "I see." "Does she just come out when she gets ready?" "I beg your pardon?" "The model, Miss..." "Does she just come out?" "I didn't think." "Perhaps you would rather she wouldn't." "I'm not exactly used to it." "Well, of course." "How thoughtless of me." "I won't be a moment." "As you say, either she's got it or she hasn't." "Come in." "I was just admiring this old jar." "It's very odd, isn't it?" "Yes." "It's an old apothecary jar." ""P. Borat Sosa." Sounds like a Latvian diplomat." "lt does, doesn't it?" "Yes, it does." "See you tomorrow, Mr. Corday." "At 10:00." "So long, Mrs. Crandall." "Keep your mind on the folks at home." "She apparently had it." "Had it?" "The curve." "Yes, she had it." "I should think it would color your whole life, sort of." "What?" "So much femininity." "You must look at women very differently." "I do." "How?" "Other men look at a woman's eyes." "I look at her bone structure." "You do?" "Yes." "For instance, I can tell you within 2 pounds what you weigh." "Do I get it free if you miss?" "Go to dinner with me if I hit?" "How close do you have to be?" "Two pounds." "All right." "A hundred and ten." "That's amazing!" "Right on the nose!" "Thanks." "You're a liar, but thank you very much." "What do you mean?" "You weigh 120, but you knew I wanted very much to have dinner with you." "I haven't the faintest idea what I weigh." "I haven't weighed lately." "I said thank you." "Anyway, it wouldn't be possible to go anywhere in weather like this." "Why not?" "I'll just get a cab and go back to the hotel." "We can take a cab anywhere." "Look at that rain." "Yes, look." "Now, you wouldn't argue with the elements, would you?" "I am glad my father-in-law didn't see that." "What?" "He has some of the craziest ideas." "You'll love this place." "The food is awful, the music is worse, the proprietor is definitely insane, there is gambling in the back room." "Thank you." "You'll love it." "Why?" "Gilda La Verne." "A real artist." "What does she do?" "I believe they call it a strip tease." "That must be a great treat for you." "But Miss La Verne is a specialist." "You see, Miss La Verne keeps her hat on." "That is positively radical, isn't it?" "It's a tremendous success." "If only women could realize that it's modesty that is attractive to men." "Here we are." "Mr." "Corday." "Madame." "Our table ready?" "You know it." "And the wine, she is chilling." "Good for her." "I expect you to excel yourself, Leonardo." "We are honored with the mayor of..." "I mean, with my friend, Madame P. Borat Sosa, who is in search for artists tonight and I told her that you were an artist." "Did you say P. Borat Sosa?" "I said P. Borat Sosa." "It is Latvian." "Madame Sosa, you have put me in a mood..." "I..." "Excuse me." "Madame P. Borat Sosa." "Really!" "What a ridiculous name." "You seemed to like it in my studio." "That was because..." "Because what?" "Georg." "Hello, Pete." "I want it." "I've got to have it." "Just for a few days, Georg." "Then you can have it back." "I'm sorry, Pete." "I need it for myself." "You see, I only found it tonight." "Not the face, the neck." "Beautiful, beautiful." "Turn your..." "Oh, Georg, please!" "Really!" "Please, this is my neck." "It is not your neck." "A neck like that belongs to the world." "You have no right to hoard it as if it were an old ball of string." "All right, all right, Pete, I told you I need it for myself." "You wait till you want to borrow from me again." "I loaned you a knee once, remember?" "Keep your neck." "Who cares?" "He is crazy, isn't he?" "He is an artist." "He paid you a great compliment, you know." "There are very few necks that would throw him like that." "There aren't." "Are there?" "Most women's necks are just something to hold their heads up." "But yours is positively lyrical." "Well, for goodness' sake." "I'll have to look sometime." "Miser." "Beg your pardon?" "Beautiful things should be shared, Mrs. Crandall." "Or have you forgotten that?" "Forgotten?" "I don't know what you..." "I imagine the last five years have kept you pretty busy just being busy." "They have." "That is interesting." "To get back to the statue." "By all means." "I didn't realize we had gotten away from it." "What did you mean about my father?" "Pardon?" "When I showed you the picture of my husband..." "For that I should apologize." "I imagine he carried great responsibilities." "He did." "What was his first name?" "Jonathan." "Perhaps I could add a twinkle in the statue that I found lacking in the photographs." "Mr. Corday, we would like my husband just as he was." "Just how was he?" "Well, he carried great responsibilities." "And now you are carrying them." "Yes, I am." "Pity." "What is pitiful about it?" "I enjoy it tremendously." "A woman like you." "Forgive me." "Tell me, did your husband dance?" "Yes." "Why?" "I have learned something about his responsible side, so I must look into his lighter side." "He had one, I suppose." "Well, he danced, if that's what you mean." "It's not exactly." "However, shall we?" "Why not?" "Simply as a matter of research, Mrs. Crandall, just look upon me as your husband." "Simply as a matter of research." "You danced very well together, didn't you?" "Thank you." "What are you smiling about?" "Life is full of surprises." "I never thought I would so enjoy having a mayor in my arms." "Mr. Corday, you're supposed to be my husband." "That's right." "I'm forgetting my part." "Now I'm your husband." "Tell me, he did not enjoy having a mayor in his arms?" "How could he?" "He was the mayor." "That's right." "Of course." "It's very confusing, isn't it?" "Yes, it is." "Do you mind very much?" "I don't feel like dancing anymore." "I'm sorry I failed you as a husband so quickly." "Mr. Corday, if I say something, you won't think I'm rude, will you?" "Certainly not." "I feel that one shouldn't accept the first thing that is offered them." "Yes?" "I feel that one should shop around, so to speak, until one is absolutely sure." "And I feel that, that should apply in the selection of a sculptor." "You don't think I'm rude?" "Not at all, but I am a very good sculptor, Mrs. Crandall." "I assure you..." "I don't doubt that for a minute." "Please don't think..." "But, in this case, it's more than just ability." "It is?" "How interesting." "How much more?" "I mean, it's more a matter of personality and character." "Do you understand?" "Not quite." "Mr. Corday, I may as well be very blunt." "By all means." "I simply can't see you in Brookhaven." "You don't fit." "You don't think I'm rude?" "On the contrary, I am fascinated." "But why wouldn't I fit?" "It is a little difficult to explain." "Mind you, I have no personal reasons." "I understand that perfectly." "But, tell me, the sculptor who made the first statue." "Did he fit?" "Beautifully." "But, unfortunately, he was very old and died." "I'm sorry." "Besides, you'd dislike Brookhaven intensely." "On the contrary, I am beginning to feel a positive yearning for Brookhaven." "Here we are, Mr. Corday." "Excuse me, madame." "Mr. Corday." "Are we in time?" "Just in time, I was facing a serious crisis." "Look at her." "Isn't she exciting?" "Very exciting, Leonardo." "So now I leave you with her." "Good." "Thank you." "To the beginning of a beautiful statue, madame." "Mr. Corday, I don't believe you understood me." "I just fired you." "Really?" "How could that be?" "I understood this was simply an interview to look each other over and see if we would do." "But I tried to..." "You see, with me, it is a matter of something more than an assignment, also." "Something more?" "Yes." "With me it is also a matter of personality and character." "So to make sure that it would be a successful engagement," "I had to know you better, too." "But..." "And I have come to this conclusion." "Together, I believe we could create a statue that would take its place among the great works of art." "Mr." "Corday." "Your personality appeals to me very satisfactorily, but may I suggest that you have just a tiny bit too much character?" "You..." "For successful statue creating, that is." "You may suggest it..." "Mind you, it is a very small item." "Will you please..." "I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Crandall." "It is really a disaster." "Not at all, but it could have been, Mr. Corday." "It's fortunate that I came to New York and met you, isn't it?" "Just think, I could have ordered you by mail." "I'm terribly sorry, dear lady." "Ladies and gentlemen, Leonardo's is proud to present that on-again, off-again, big little star Gilda La Verne." "Excuse me." "Sit down, please." "Sit down!" "Sit down!" "Evening." "Good evening." "You got trouble?" "I just spilled something on my dress, that's all." "You had better take it off and let me press it dry for you." "No, thanks, it hardly shows." "Yes, ma'am, but this material draws up all out of shape if it dries on you." "Does it?" "Yes, ma'am." "And you don't want to go out of here all out of shape." "It'll only take a minute." "What a strange thing to say." "Ma'am?" "I was just talking to myself." "That's bad, isn't it?" "That's right bad." "That man's really got you worried, ain't he?" "What man?" "There's only three things that can make a woman start talking to herself." "Her bank account, her man and her reputation." "And they all three the same things, ain't they?" "My, my." "It certainly is philosophical out tonight." "Here we go again." "It's a raid, let's get out of here!" "Here's your dress." "It's a raid, it's a raid." "Thank you, chum." "Wait!" "This is the ladies' room, isn't it?" "It's also the way out." "I either have to go on a diet or stop gambling." "Do you think that photographer got me, Julia?" "Okay, babe, come on." "It's you I'm talking to." "Come on." "Me?" "I said come on." "You couldn't possibly mean me." "Come on, La Verne." "You can ride in the front seat with me." "I'll keep my hat on, too." "You think I'm the dancer." "The light dawns." "Officer, you've made a ridiculous mistake." "I'm just a guest here." "Since when the guests been running around without their dresses on?" "That was the strangest thing." "I was standing right here with my dress in my hand, and all of a sudden it disappeared." "Right through the window." "Sure." "Come on." "It disappeared right through the window." "Step back, everybody back." "This is most embarrassing to me." "Please!" "This is most embarrassing." "Officer, what are you doing?" "Release this lady immediately." "Everybody that works here gets pulled in." "But you don't understand, she doesn't work here." "She..." "Please!" "My name is P. Borat Sosa." "Sure." "I'm Latvian." "Yes." "We know." "Get your early morning paper!" "Get your 6:00 a.m. edition here." "Get the latest news." "Get your paper here." "Early morning paper." "6:00 a.m. edition!" "Get your morning paper here!" "6:00 a.m. edition!" "Early edition!" "Get it here!" "Get your early morning paper here!" "Good morning, Mrs. Crandall." "Good morning." "Good morning, Mrs. Crandall." "Will you give me my key, please?" "I was rather worried when you didn't come back all night." "A woman alone in New York..." "You shouldn't have worried." "I met some friends." "Strip poker." "You had several calls." "I beg your pardon?" "A Mr. Corday." "Thank you." "If Mr. Corday calls again, will you just say that I checked out hours ago?" "Yes, indeed." "And that I have definitely made other arrangements." "You'll be sure he gets that message, won't you?" "Of course." "Good morning, sir." "Good morning." "I am Mr. Corday." "Mrs. Crandall, is she in?" "No, sir, no." "Mrs. Crandall checked out several hours ago." "But that's impossible." "She was only released..." "I mean, I'm sure she couldn't have." "She said she did, Mr. Corday." "And with us, the customer is still always right." "She went further, Mr. Corday." "She said to tell you she has made other arrangements." "I see." "Hey, lady!" "You forgot your hat." "So I did." "Thank you so much." "You almost left it in the hotel, too, remember?" "You ought to put a bell on that." "Yes, thank you." "That's an idea." "It's good to see you again, Father." "And to have you home." "It's nice to be home." "Everything all right at the office, Lillian?" "Yes, Your Honor, I..." "You look tired." "It's quite a trip rushing to New York and rushing right back again." "Have any fun?" "Fun?" "That's hardly what I went for, is it?" "How's Diana?" "Poisonous." "Lady!" "You left this in your seat." "I..." "I almost didn't catch you." "That's right." "You almost didn't." "Tell me, did you really get a new hat?" "It's just something I happened to see." "Did it make any difference?" "Nonsense." "Everything all right at the office, Lillian?" "I told you, I..." "Oh, yes." "That's right." "What's the matter with you?" "You're jumpy as an old cat." "That's not very complimentary, darling." "The sculptor." "Mr..." "What's his name?" "Corday." "Can't take the job." "Isn't that a shame?" "He can't?" "Why not?" "All booked up for years, practically." "But never mind, we'll get somebody else." "He's not the only sculptor in the world." "Really, I..." "The way Mr. Witherspoon leaves trash lying around, I think it's a disgrace." "I'm certainly going to speak to him about that." "It's a disgrace." "Did you get the x-ray machine, Your Honor?" "The what?" "No, no." "The only one I saw was of a much too high voltage to be safe." "Was that the trouble with the sculptor, too?" "Oh, you." "Hello, Jessie." "I'm glad you're back." "New York's no place for a nice woman." "Never mind, I'll take the things upstairs." "I'm not decrepit yet." "And don't you make me out to be." "I think I'd better help her." "Anne." "Yes, Father?" "What happened to you in New York?" "Happened?" "To me?" "Now, what could possibly happen to me in New York?" "I could only hope." "Well, I am sorry to disappoint you, darling." "I called you at the hotel." "You did?" "At 7:00 in the evening and you weren't in." "Naturally, I had to eat, didn't I?" "I called you again at 6:00 the next morning and still you weren't in." "I wasn't?" "No, you wasn't." "It must have been a very becoming hat." "Father." "What is it, Anne?" "I was in jail." "What?" "I was in jail all night for giving an indecent performance." "Anne Crandall, what are you talking about?" "I didn't do it." "I didn't do anything." "Father." "The minute I saw him lying there on that couch I knew I should leave." "It's just one of those things you know." "What couch?" "He was asleep in his studio when I got there." "Who?" "The sculptor." "I started to leave, I had my hand on the door and..." "And what?" "It thundered and woke him up." "So it thundered and woke him up." "Don't get that silly smirk on your face." "It often thunders, doesn't it?" "And cloudbursts stop suddenly, don't they?" "It's perfectly normal." "Sure, sure." "Well, I'm anxious to see him." "See who?" "The man Jonathan seems to approve of, that's who." "I knew you'd say something silly like that." "You're not going to see him, idiot, because I fired him." "For pity's sake, quit your sniveling." "The world is full of artists, worse luck." "Heathens, all of them!" "I just had my heart set on this one, that's all." "That's mighty funny." "Where is your dress?" "What?" "Your good black dress?" "I've unpacked everything." "It isn't here." "Jessie, I told you I'd unpack!" "I've been unpacking for you for 10 years." "I don't know why, all of a sudden, I'm not capable of..." "You're perfectly capable." "I wish you'd go all go away and let me alone for a minute." "I have people downstairs." "Diana, please don't act as if you're going to die." "You probably wouldn't have liked the man, anyway, darling." "He was positively ancient, to begin with." "He probably wouldn't have lived to finish the statue." "And you know something?" "He had a beard down to here." "A perfect bird's nest of a beard." "lsn't that disgusting?" "A beard?" "He did?" "He was all grey, too, and he kind of sniffled all the time." "Mother, why didn't you tell me this before?" "Well, I just didn't happen to think of it before." "What on Earth is this?" "What does it look like?" "I'd dislike to say in front of children." "And what is it doing under the bed?" "Was it under the bed?" "I imagine we'd find a lot of things under there if we'd just look." "Of course, if you're criticizing my housekeeping..." "Jessie, don't be so droopy." "Can't you see Mother is upset over the way her trip turned out?" "Come on, Mother, I'll go downstairs with you and tell those people what a really narrow escape we all had." "He certainly sounds nauseating." "But I don't see what difference it makes what he looks like, if he..." "It makes all the difference in the world, that's all." "He's got to have vitality, doesn't he?" "It's going to be a big statue, isn't it?" "Please." "You left the matter to my discretion, and I simply decided he wouldn't do, that's all." "We'll get somebody else." "Now, if you will excuse me, it was rather a tiring trip." "It's certainly a shame that nothing came of it." "If he was too old to handle the job," "I wouldn't think he would have made an appointment to talk about it." "I think he would have enjoyed the work, if he could have gotten it." "I guess when you're dealing with an artist, you never do know what will happen." "No, they're very unpredictable people." "I guess..." "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "It's only when I opened the door, I got an awful draft that..." "Someone's at the door." "For heaven's sake, how do you do?" "Good night." "Good day." "Good night." "Good day." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Well, are you going to let the man stand on the porch all day?" "No." "Come in, please." "Come in." "Thank you." "This is my daughter, Diana." "How do you do?" "My father-in-law, Mr. Crandall." "How are you, Mr. Crandall?" "How do you do?" "This is Mr. Corday." "Mr." "Corday!" "This is Corday?" "I'm sorry I was rude just now, but we weren't expecting you." "As a matter of fact, I didn't expect to come so soon, either, but as you didn't give me the opportunity of seeing you before you left New York..." "I left in rather a hurry." "Yes, yes, you did." "And since it was in the nature of unfinished business, which always aggravates me, doesn't it you?" "Yes, very much." "I thought I should come here and finish it, one way or another, you understand, of course." "Yes, that seems very efficient." "So you are Corday." "Yes, sir." "You don't know how I have been wanting to meet you." "Thank you very much." "Won't you come in?" "Diana, dear, don't you think you ought to finish your homework?" "But I've already done it, Mother." "Let me take your hat and coat." "Thank you." "I am certainly delighted to meet you, Mr. Corday." "Have a cigar?" "No, thanks." "A cigarette?" "No, thank you." "How about a drink?" "No, thank you." "Mother, you must not have gotten a good look at Mr. Corday at all." "She thought you were very old." "Diana, dear, don't be rude." "Not at all." "You see, the light in my studio is not very good." "But Mother said you had a beard down to here!" "Well, I thought you did." "Didn't you?" "A beard?" "Yes, yes, I did have a beard, but I shaved it off." "It's so much warmer here in Vermont than in New York." "Yes, it's particularly warm today, isn't it?" "Sit down." "Sit down." "May I?" "Thank you." "Sit down." "You're going to stay right here with us, of course." "Father, don't be ridiculous." "You know we haven't any room." "I am terribly sorry, Mr. Corday, but we absolutely have no room." "Mother, he could live in the carriage house, couldn't he?" "Of course not!" "Charming idea!" "I have always wanted to live in a carriage house." "For heaven's sakes, it's only a garage." "But we can leave the car out, Mother, and Mr. Corday can build his statue right there, and I can watch it grow day by day." "Oh, please, Mother!" "A very practical idea." "Come along, I'll get you settled." "I've got my things in the truck outside." "I also brought the materials for the statue, just in case." "Mother, just think." "All that was in back of that beard all the time and you never knew it." "Mr. Corday." "Mr." "Corday." "Mrs." "Crandall, come up, please." "It's not necessary that I come up at all." "Well, it is, unless you want the whole town to hear us talking, Mayor Crandall." "You know, this is very nice." "I like it." "I had to talk to you." "Good, won't you sit down?" "Mr. Corday, didn't you get my message?" "I left you a message." "Well, I left you about 10 messages." "Yes, I know." "Thank you very much for bailing me out." "Mrs. Crandall, I want to tell you how really sorry I am." "Mrs..." "No." "It wasn't nice of me to take you to a place like Leonardo" "and subject you to..." "Nonsense." "I'm not a child." "You didn't drag me there." "I went." "Oh, yes, I went." "Mr. Corday, you don't understand about a town like Brookhaven." "If ever they found out that the mayor spent a night in jail..." "No, really, it would be a dreadful scandal!" "I'm sure I can imagine." "No, I don't think you do, really." "No, you don't." "You have a different background." "You..." "Mr. Corday, why did you come here?" "Why?" "To build a statue, of course." "Why did you think I came?" "But doesn't it make any difference to you that I don't want you here?" "Mrs. Crandall, I feel that our civic spirit should completely overshadow any personal desires that we may have." "I feel it is my duty to give Brookhaven a statue that..." "Anyway, why don't you want me here?" "I explained that all to you." "I..." "I thought I explained it." "Sometimes I am very dense, I guess." "I explained that..." "You brought that?" "I always do." "What do you mean, you always do?" "Well, you see, it is not only a very old jar, it has magic qualities, too." "Let me show you." "When I want to do something very badly, and it is difficult," "I just turn it around and presto, I am allowed to do it!" "See?" "P. Borat Sosa." "You blackmailer!" "Mayor Crandall!" "After all, if the end justifies the means." "Really!" "Mrs." "Crandall, give me a week." "If by the end of a week you say I don't fit, I'll go." "Is that fair?" "There doesn't seem to be much I can do about it, does there?" "I promise to be no trouble." "And who knows?" "Maybe by that time, you will be so much in love with the statue that you will insist upon my staying here." "I am perfectly helpless." "Perfectly helpless." "Mr. Corday, why do you want to stay here that badly?" "That's what I want to find out." "That's very good." "May I say it's rather nice having someone of culture around for a change?" "You are French, aren't you?" "Yes." "I was born right here in Brookhaven." "Well, I think it's very nice here." "But you've only been here a week." "Honestly, Mr. Corday, sometimes the dullness comes down over you like a blanket or something." "Really?" "lf you are sensitive, like I am." "Well, excuse me, Mr. Corday, that's Gilbert." "He's the person who picks me up in the morning and takes me to my post-graduate course." "Well, come on!" "Well, goodbye." "Goodbye." "Good night!" "Watch where you're going." "And come on, we'll be late for school." "Good morning, Mr. Crandall." "Morning." "You sound very grumpy this morning." "We had oeufs, instead of eggs, for breakfast, this morning." "Thanks to your influence." "I'm sorry." "I think your granddaughter is a charming child." "My granddaughter is a ravening she-wolf." "And don't underestimate her." "Now, if my daughter-in-law starting spouting French," "I wouldn't object, do you understand?" "I wouldn't object at all." "We found it when we were cleaning up around the station, Mr. Buchanan." "And I thought if the mayor knew what kind of a man this Corday is, well, maybe she wouldn't want him staying at her house." "To come straight from jail to Brookhaven!" "That's brazen, Mr. Buchanan!" "Brazen!" "Do you think I ought to tell her?" "No, no, I wouldn't do that, Mr. Witherspoon." "It might be a little embarrassing." "You see, the night this happened, our mayor was supposed to have had an appointment with Mr. Corday." "Sort of gives one something to think about, doesn't it, Mr. Witherspoon?" "Mr. Crandall, you must remain motionless." "But my arm is stiff." "Fine." "Exactly as I want it." "Why, you are the most miserable tyrant I have ever known." "Well, all artists are tyrants." "Except that I am not an artist." "You're not?" "No." "This statue, for instance." "I should be much farther along than I am." "You should be much farther along with a lot of things than you are." "You know what I have finally realized?" "I don't want to finish him." "I don't even like to work on him." "That's definitely morbid, don't you think?" "Not at all." "It's very encouraging." "Thank you." "Encouraging?" "Very encouraging." "You're jealous of him." "Ridiculous!" "Of course it's ridiculous." "Jonathan's the best friend you've got." "Jonathan?" "I?" "Sure." "He knocked his own head off with a lightning bolt, so Anne would go to New York in the first place, didn't he?" "You didn't hear about that, did you?" "No, I can't say that I have." "And she admitted herself it was a mighty handy thunderclap that woke you up when she was sneaking out of your studio." "Well, that was Jonathan, too." "That was?" "Certainly it was!" "He is just as anxious to get her out of this rut as I am." "And you are the fellow he's picked to do it." "It's very obvious." "You believe that?" "Of course I believe it." "It's a crazy idea, you know?" "Sure, it's crazy, but it might work." "You mean that Anne believes that Jonathan is..." "Well, she says she doesn't, but she says it in a very funny voice." "No." "Fact." "How can you stand that day and night?" "Your granddaughter is keeping me happy at my work." "She told me so." "If you're hanging around hoping for an invitation to dinner, you're very much mistaken, you know." "Don't worry, I wouldn't stay if you asked me." "I couldn't eat anything, anyway, you make me so sick at my stomach." "Please, must you discuss your stomach, Gilbert?" "You didn't used to faint, you know, when people mentioned stomachs." "You've gotten so artistic lately, since that old mud-dauber came around, that..." "You're only speaking of probably the world's greatest living artist, you know." "I wouldn't show my ignorance like that if I were you, Gilbert." "Do you mind if I leave?" "I think I'm going to be sick." "In fact, I wish you would." "I don't think you realize how your adolescent presence jars on me." "I thought you were leaving?" "Don't worry, I am." "I don't suppose you'd want to go for a walk?" "A walk?" "Really, Gilbert, do you think I'm exactly dressed to go for a walk?" "I'll tell you what you're dressed like, Diana Crandall!" "What you're dressed like is enough to make a horse laugh." "Hee-haw!" "You want to know a secret, Mother?" "Yes, what?" "That's Mr. Corday's absolutely favorite piece!" "Really?" "I wonder why?" "It's probably got something to do with his past, don't you imagine so?" "Diana, what on Earth have you done to your hair?" "What have you done to yours?" "Mine?" "It makes you look awfully young, Mother." "ls that bad?" "I guess not, but a person's age is a person's age, and, Mother, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think it makes you look a little silly." "Oh, you do?" "Well, I think you look a little silly yourself." "High heels and a party dress on a school day, really!" "Mother, do you feel all right?" "Why, certainly, what do you mean?" "I don't know." "You used to be so quiet, but lately you've been so kind of leapy!" "What a ridiculous word." "Honestly, you children have a vocabulary all your own, don't you?" "Jessie, I'm going to the stone-cutter's with Mr. Corday." "We have to choose a pedestal for Jonathan's statue." "Oh, and don't bother to tell Diana, because she'd want to go and she really ought to stay home and practice, you know, with the recital coming up." "He has been trying to get you alone ever since he came here." "Well, I see he's finally made it." "Please don't be silly, Jessie." "I might give you the same advice, Mayor Crandall." "I don't know what's keeping Mrs. Crandall out this late." "Really?" "Just look at that rain!" "Yeah, just look at it." "Hello?" "No, she's not here." "Well, we have to find her, Mr. Crandall." "It's raining and there's a hole in the dike." "Well, what do you want her to do?" "Stick her finger in it?" "Hadn't you better go look for her?" "Me?" "Fly right in the face of destiny?" "Not me, Jessie." "Wherever she is, it's doing her good." "It's a very significant rain." "Very." "I couldn't leave if I wanted to, could I?" "No, your conscience should be thoroughly comfortable." "Anne, do you realize that since I have been in this town, I never heard you laugh?" "And today is the first time I heard you sing." "I did, didn't I?" "I don't know what came over me." "Don't you?" "Do I?" "Well, that tango." "For a moment, you and I were dancing together, remember?" "I'm afraid I do." "Afraid?" "Of what?" "Me?" "Yourself?" "Brookhaven?" "No." "Yes." "I don't know." "I'm so mixed up." "I've never been mixed up before in my life." "Anne." "Yes?" "You asked me a question once, and I couldn't answer it." "You asked me why I came here." "Now I can answer it." "Well, it's nice to get things straightened out in your own mind." "I'm in love with you, Anne." "You aren't, are you?" "I know exactly when it happened." "When you were telling me about the dignity of the Crandalls in that beautiful cockeyed little hat." "That little hat has a lot to answer for, hasn't it?" "Look at me, please, just once." "I can't." "Why can't you?" "Because when I do, the most ridiculous thing happens to me." "I know what you mean." "I stop thinking, completely." "In my position, I just can't afford to do that." "Anyway, look where we are." "Where are we?" "We're practically sitting in a cupid's lap, and it just isn't the place for it." "Well, I cannot imagine a more perfect place for it than a cupid's lap." "Yes, but this is a Brookhaven cupid, and they look at things differently than other cupids." "Our cupids are kind of narrow-minded." "Well, they should be educated, don't you think?" "I told you when..." "There, you see, I've stopped thinking again." "I'm absolutely blank." "You are absolutely wonderful." "Am I, really?" "You are absolutely wonderful." "How very nice of you." "Mother!" "It's Diana." "Well, send her home." "No, for heaven's sake, I can't do that." "What would she think?" "Coming, darling." "Come along." "You boys are wasting your time in Brookhaven." "You know that, don't you?" "Apparently I will have to marry you to be alone with you." "What did you say?" "I had no intention of marrying you." "In fact, I had no intention of marrying anyone, ever." "Miser." "I beg your pardon." "Beautiful things should be shared, Mr. Corday." "But not with me." "Why not?" "Why not?" "I've other plans and they do not include..." "Marriage." "Why not?" "I'm a widow." "Excellent reason for getting married." "I'm a mother." "Since when is motherhood an argument against marriage?" "I'm a mayor." "Why not act like one?" "What are you muttering about?" "I'm proposing." "How are you doing?" "I'm not surprised." "There's your stumbling block." "They made a deal." "When Jonathan died, the girl was all broken up." "Anne promised never to marry anyone else." "Good night!" "Be quiet!" "Gee, you're so pretty." "You did very nicely, dear." "Nicely?" "What do you mean, nicely?" "lt was a superb performance." "Yeah." "Why, thank you." "I thought you were good, too." "You ought to be." "The way you pound on that thing at home all the time." "Gilbert, do you always have to spoil everything?" "Children!" "Goodbye." "Diana and I are walking home alone." "Hey!" "Yes, hey!" "We are?" "We certainly are." "We have a great deal to talk about tonight." "I admire your courage." "lt will be all right, you'll see." "See what?" "Your daughter and I are going to plan a surprise for you." "Good night." "And I was going to get her a hot fudge sundae." "Gilbert." "Do you want to do something very nice for me?" "Me?" "For you?" "Yes, buy me that hot fudge sundae." "Honest?" "Honest." "I haven't had one in years!" "Well, good night!" "You know something?" "What?" "I've always, you know, just thought you were just Diana's mother." "I am." "I know that." "I mean, I never exactly noticed what you looked like before." "A mother is just another piece of furniture in the girl's house, Gilbert." "Didn't you know that?" "I'll talk to you later." "Well, good night!" "You see, I didn't realize until tonight that you are not at all the child everyone thinks you to be." "You didn't?" "I could hear it in your music." "A woman, an intelligent, understanding woman!" "Me?" "Certainly you." "A woman a man could talk to and be sure of being understood." "Oh, I am." "I know that now." "Diana." "Yes?" "When a man falls in love with a woman, I mean really in love, he wants to marry her." "You see?" "Clearly!" "Well, now, if the woman is also in love with the man, nothing should stand in the way of their making a life together, do you think?" "Oh, no." "That would be wicked." "Very wicked." "Families, obligations, promises made unadvisedly." "Nothing should keep them apart, do you think?" "Mother and I made a promise once, never to get married and leave each other." "You know, like a suicide pact." "That is exactly what a bad promise like that amounts to, don't you see?" "Suicide." "The killing of everything in a woman that needs to live and be happy." "That's beautiful!" "I never thought of it that way before." "Well, you probably were a child then, and didn't realize what a bad promise it was." "But now that you are a woman, and that you do realize..." "Do you..." "Do you want me to break it?" "It is not a matter of breaking a promise, Diana, it is a matter of freeing a woman's heart." "Don't you see the difference?" "Oh, clearly." "It's perfectly beautiful." "And you never realized until tonight, did you?" "Realize what?" "That I was a woman." "It just goes to show what a shrewd analysis of character you are." "I assure you, no one else realizes it." "That's because they are used to you." "Now, you understand, don't you?" "You do know what I am asking you to do?" "Well, naturally, I don't have to be hit over the head." "You make me very happy, Diana." "That's really all that matters, isn't it?" "Thank you." "Hey, Corday!" "Yes?" "How'd you do?" "She'll do it." "No trouble at all." "Good." "Does Grandfather know?" "lt was my idea." "It was?" "Then, can I tell Mother?" "By all means." "Tell your mother." "Mother!" "Mother, can you imagine?" "Grandfather!" "Can I imagine Grandfather what?" "Approving." "Approving what, dear?" "Mother, you've got to listen to me very carefully and..." "Mother, I love you so much." "I love you, too, dear." "I know, and..." "And that's what makes it kind of sad, only..." "Only, oh, Mother, he's just so wonderful!" "Who?" "Mr." "Corday." "Only, I guess I'll have to get used to calling him Georg, if I'm going to marry him." "If what?" "I know it's a shock," "but he did it so beautifully." "Did what, dear?" "Tell me about love and women and things." "And he's so right." "Nobody has any right to stand in your way." "ln whose way?" "Mine." "Mother, you won't, will you?" "Diana, are you trying to tell me that Georg Corday asked you to marry him?" "Not in certain words, Mother, but from the way he looked and the things he said..." "Oh, well, it's just one of those things that a woman knows." "Oh, Mother, I'm so happy, I can absolutely do flips." "You don't mind, do you?" "Well, it's a bit of a surprise." "Won't Gilbert die?" "Gilbert's not the only one who's going to die." "You get into bed, darling, and we'll talk about this in the morning." "But, of course, you don't expect me to get any sleep?" "I don't imagine any of us will get much sleep." "It's just so hysterically wonderful, isn't it?" "Hysterically." "You come with me!" "Where?" "We're going to make a call on my new son-in-law!" "Son-in-law?" "Of course, you said you and Diana were planning a surprise for me, but..." "This is outrageous." "Well, the only thing for me to do, of course, is to go to her immediately and explain the mistake." "You will not!" "You can't do that." "Diana is pretty highly strung." "Do you realize the child is absolutely dippy in love with you?" "You can't just toss a young girl's emotions around like a football." "Girls that age are..." "Well, it might prove dangerous." "Well, then I'll leave." "That's just as bad." "She'll think you've changed your mind and ran out on her." "Well, we must do something." "This is awful." "You two!" "I knew you were up to something." "Clever as all get-out, aren't you?" "Pushing people around." "It was my idea." "I thought that..." "You have the proper shape for cupid, darling, but your aim hasn't been so good lately." "Well, I've never felt so miserably idiotic in all my life." "This is fantastic!" "That child!" "I told you not to underestimate her." "What shall I do?" "Let's see." "Diana always has been horrified at the idea of a beard." "Maybe you could grow a beard!" "A beard?" "But then, it wouldn't be grey, would it?" "lt would not!" "Maybe you could be too old for her?" "That idea seemed to nauseate her, too." ""Nauseate" is the word she used." "I am too old for her." "You certainly are." "Now, shut up, the man is in trouble." "And how!" "How's your stomach?" "I beg your pardon?" "Well, we've got to think of something to make her back out." "I thought maybe it could be your stomach." "What's the matter with it?" "Nothing, but couldn't there be?" "What do you mean?" "Well, be an invalid." "Youngsters hate sickly people." "That's a lovely idea, darling." "I'm proud of you." "Don't you see what he means?" "Droop around a little, you know, and pretend you can't eat, and I think there's an old shawl around I could let you have." "In other words, act your age, for a change." "I'll do anything, you understand, anything at all." "I hope you starve." "Conceited idiot!" "Diana!" "What?" "Why would she think he'd marry her in the first place?" "Why not?" "He proposed to me tonight, too." "I thought he meant it." "Now, Anne..." "The little man has had a busy day." "I knew if you came here something would happen." "But, frankly, I didn't think it would end up with my being your mother-in-law." "ls that you?" "That's what's left of me." "Anne, you've got to let me in." "I do?" "Why?" "I'm starving to death, that's why." "She won't let me eat anything." "Well, it's not funny." "She even told the restaurants in town not to feed me." "All right." "The kitchen." "To show you how primitive man really is," "I don't know which smells more beautiful, the coffee or you." "When a man's hungry, he wants..." "He wants what?" "Food!" "He..." "Does he?" "Doesn't he?" "The waffles will burn." "I don't care if the house burns." "You're making love to your mother-in-law." "That isn't even..." "You said to let you in because you were starving to death." "That's right." "What about Diana?" "She belongs to Gilbert." "But she doesn't know that." "I'll talk to him." "Heaven forbid!" "You talked to Diana and look what happened." "You'd probably come back engaged to him." "I love you, darling." "What do you know?" "I hear bells!" "It's the doorbell." "Let it ring!" "Oh, no!" "I just can't let a doorbell ring." "You forget, I'm the mayor." "Oh, yes, I did forget." "And what is more important," "I think for one moment you forgot." "Please, please, be quiet." "I really wouldn't want anyone to find me alone here with you." "ln your own kitchen?" "Well, it would take so much explanation." "Really, I'll be right back." "Why, Gilbert." "May I come in, Mrs. Crandall?" "Yes, I guess so." "What on Earth is it?" "I can't eat anymore." "I can't sleep, either." "Well, there's a kind of an epidemic of that around." "Do you think I ought to kill Mr. Corday?" "What did you say?" "Well, I'd just as soon, if it would help." "Gilbert, come on in a minute." "I want to tell you something." "It's awful late." "Do you think it'd be all right?" "Well, what do we care?" "Other people seem to do what they want to, don't they?" "Sure." "Like you say, by golly," ""What's sauce for the goose, the gander ought to get in on, too."" "Yes." "Come and sit down, Gilbert." "You see, this situation with Diana has made me very unhappy, too, Gilbert." "Maybe I ought to kill her, too." "Oh, well, no, I don't think that's necessary, but..." "I do think that you and I can..." "Can what?" "Well, I've been noticing you a lot lately, Gilbert." "I've been noticing you, too." "Oh, you have?" "Gilbert, sometimes I get so impatient with you!" "You do?" "Well, yes." "If you're in love with someone, you ought to say so, and not just sit around in corners looking at them." "For heaven's sakes, a woman can't stand that." "She can't?" "Well, no!" "She thinks you're not attracted to her, and you see what happens." "She turns to someone else." "Turns to who?" "Well, in this case, it's Mr. Corday." "But he's going to marry Diana." "Well, yes, that's what I..." "You don't have to turn to anybody, Mrs..." "Anne!" "Because I'm not going to be like that anymore." "Like what, Gilbert?" "I only sat in the corner and looked at you, because..." "Well, because, I never even realized I had a chance with you." "Well..." "You're so smart" "and pretty and everything." "Oh, Gilbert." "Here all the time..." "Obviously, Gilbert..." "Well, I didn't know, did I?" "Good night, you must have thought I was awful dumb." "Well..." "Good night!" "Won't Diana die?" "Darling!" "What's the matter?" "I think I'm engaged to Gilbert." "What?" "Yeah." "Stop acting like a jack-in-the-box." "Either come in or stay out." "Thank you, sir." "Well, sit down." "Sit down." "Now, look here, Gilbert." "I've been wanting to talk to you." "What's the matter with you?" "Why don't you get up on your hind legs and act like a man?" "I did." "You did?" "Yes, sir." "Good night!" "I sure did." "Well, now..." "Good morning, Mr..." "Well, well, Gilbert, congratulations." "Did she tell you already?" "Naturally." "I should like to have been there." "I suppose you acted broken-hearted." "Why should I?" "I think Gilbert and Anne will make a perfect couple." "Gilbert and who?" "Good morning." "Oh, hello, Gilbert." "Oh, sorry." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Good morning, Diana." "Come and sit down, Gilbert." "Well, Diana, how do you feel this morning?" "All right." "Good." "I couldn't wait to tell her." "Well, how do you like it?" "I think it's perfectly sweet, except..." "Except what?" "Well, there's kind of a disgusting difference in their ages, that's all." "But not nearly as much as between you and Georg, dear." "What is this?" "You mean you don't know?" "Anne and Gilbert are engaged to be married." "What?" "You said you wanted romance in the house, dear." "Well, you've got it." "Well, this is the most idiotic situation I..." "Mr. Crandall, please, you're speaking of our happiness." "Georg and I talked it over, and we think it's so selfish of all of us not to share our happiness with the town." "Ma'am?" "Yes, we decided to announce our joint engagements at the unveiling of the new statue." "When everybody will be there." "But, good night, I haven't even asked my mother yet." "I..." "Oh, you mustn't." "It will be so much more fun to surprise her when she's with her friends." "Don't you think so?" "Yes, ma'am." "Well, if you don't mind, I'll go out and come in again." "This just can't be happening." "Don't you feel a draft here?" "Diana, dear, would you get me my shawl, please?" "It's hot as an oven in here." "You know, in my condition..." "And, Gilbert, you'll find my pills in on the desk." "Would you mind?" "Pills?" "Naturally, before my eating, you know?" "Excuse me." "Pardon me." "Well, everything seems to be ready." "I don't see anything to cry about." "Oh, don't you?" "I suppose you don't think it makes a person nervous to be engaged?" "Well, it does." "Good night, I know it, don't I?" "Well, if it makes you so darn nervous, what are you going to marry him for?" "Why don't you just tell him?" "And live in that house with you for a stepfather?" "No, thank you, Gilbert Parker, I would rather be..." "Extra!" "Extra!" "Read all about it!" "Anne Crandall exposed!" "Read all about it, dishonor the mayor." "Two mayors to be unveiled today." "Extra!" "Extra!" "Paper!" "Anne, darling, what..." "I sent Jessie out for a paper." "How could they have found out?" "I cannot understand it." "Father!" "Well, I did it." "Did what?" "I told Buchanan the whole story." "So sue me." "You mean you told Buchanan about Anne being arrested?" "I certainly did." "I certainly did." "I certainly did." "Father!" "Do you realize..." "Do you realize this is the end of me as mayor of Brookhaven?" "Something had to be done to blast you out of this town, didn't it?" "Well, I did it." "So sue me." "I've never seen Father have a drink before in his life." "He always goes out of town to do it." "You know, that's not a bad idea." "Mother!" "Mother!" "Did you know this happened to you?" "Oh, darling, I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry." "Mr. Corday, I challenge you to a duel." "Gilbert, don't be so primeval." "That is, unless Mr. Corday refuses." "Refuses?" "Refuses what?" "Mr. Corday, I want you to know that I expect you, if you have any honor whatsoever, to marry my mother." "You do?" "You do?" "Yes, in our part of the country, Mr. Corday, we don't bandy women's names around without any clothes on." "Oh, but, darling..." "Please don't consider me in this thing at all." "I'm willing to make any sacrifice." "So am I." "Good night, so am I." "Mother, I'm so sorry." "But you'll just have to take your consequences, even if he does have spells." "His shawl is on a hook behind the door." "Now, I'm going up to see my poor grandfather." "He must feel pretty horrible." "Hey!" "Can't I go?" "He's my grandfather, too, isn't he?" "Your grandfather?" "Well, good night!" "I almost married her, didn't I?" "And I'll probably end up marrying you, won't I?" "I'm just dumb enough." "Why, thank you, Gilbert." "That's the very nicest proposal I ever had." "The very nicest, I might add." "Good night!" "I should know how." "I've sure had enough practice, lately." "Well, I feel a little like an old glove." "I have to make an honest woman of you." "Yes, apparently." "Well, it'll be a sweet wedding." "The bride wore a lovely arrangement of tar and feathers." "Oh, darling, you're exaggerating." "Am I?" "You don't know a small town." "The mayor's supposed to keep her shirt on." "Anne, will you please stop worrying?" "Mrs. Crandall?" "Mrs. Crandall, they just broke the windows." "So I was exaggerating, was I?" "That's impossible." "Not ours, the newspaper office." "What do you mean?" "Well, the Crandalls have established a little credit here in Brookhaven, apparently." "Everybody in town is waiting for you at the statue, Mrs. Crandall, to give you a vote of confidence." "Oh, Jessie!" "We all agreed that no Crandall would act like that." "And if they did, we wouldn't believe it." "Well, everyone's waiting." "This is kind of nice, isn't it?" "Very nice." "Very comfortable, very typical of Brookhaven." "Well, it's the final argument for our getting out of here as quickly as we can." "Getting out of here?" "We're getting married, you know." "I could not face a duel." "Well, I know, but..." "And I must certainly prove to our daughter that I am a man of honor." "Won't she be amazed to find how rapidly marriage improves my health?" "You know, I think you ought to sort of taper off." "I will explain to her that's why we have go to somewhere very warm for our honeymoon." "Because of my condition." "Somewhere warm." "It sounds wonderful, doesn't it?" "But, of course, that's not possible right now." "Not possible?" "Why?" "With the election coming up and everything." "What about it?" "Do you have to hold its hand or something?" "Well, I'm in it." "ln what?" "I'm running." "Running where?" "Against Mr. Buchanan." "Why should you possibly want to run against Mr. Buchanan?" "That sounds very unpleasant." "Well, so that I can be mayor." "Why?" "Why?" "Well, I can't possibly answer a question like that." "I don't think you can." "There's the music." "Come on, we must go." "Command performance." "Well, if you like." "I certainly feel I have an obligation to..." "To whom?" "Well, to the town." "To everybody here who believes in me." "You saw yourself how wonderful they were." "Wonderful, how?" "Well, for heaven's sake, about the scandal." "You really felt they were wonderful?" "You really will feel very proud to go out there and listen to the cheers?" "Well, I don't know what you're talking about at all." "You did get arrested, didn't you?" "Well, yes..." "But they don't admit it, do they?" "Not for a minute." "They apologize, they compromise." "They say no Crandall would act like that, and if they did, they wouldn't believe it." "Awful!" "Well, what's awful about it?" "Anne, you know very well if it hadn't been for Brookhaven, we would have had a wonderful breakfast the next morning and laughed our heads off." "Because it was so silly." "Wouldn't we?" "You and I simply don't look at anything alike, do we?" "Well, you paid me a great compliment when you said I wouldn't fit in Brookhaven." "But you do, you have." "I do not!" "I have hidden and whispered and explained until I want to go where I can yell." "Do you understand that?" "To get on top of the highest building in the world and yell," ""This is my woman." "I love her and she loves me."" "Love isn't something you should be afraid someone would catch you in the kitchen doing." "But you don't understand, Georg." "After we're married, it would be different then." "Then our love will be respectable, is that it?" "Well, I think that sounds disgusting." "lt is disgusting." "You're forcing me to choose between you and my duty." "It has nothing to do with me." "I have to go." "As you wish." "Please come with me." "But why?" "Well, I want to tell them that I'm going to marry you." "To see if they approve?" "And if they don't, to keep me in the closet with that little hat that also did not fit in Brookhaven?" "I must go." "You told me once I had too much character." "I've changed my mind, you haven't nearly enough." "Then you wouldn't want to stay in any case." "No, I wouldn't want to stay in any case." "Well, thanks for a lovely statue, Mr. Corday." "Consider it a going-away present, Mayor Crandall." "Thank you very much." "There will be a check mailed to you tomorrow." "I'll add a small amount for amusement tax." "Started to rain again." "Hasn't Diana come in yet?" "Why should she?" "She's out with her man, isn't she?" "At least she's got sense enough not to walk out on that." "Would you like to play some checkers or something?" "If we're going to rot here together, we might as well be gay about it." "I don't suppose you realize that most women live eight lifetimes and don't get a chance at a fellow like Georg Corday." "You..." "What are you crying about?" "I hate checkers." "I'm sorry." "I..." "It's all right." "I don't feel so good." "Of course you don't." "I don't know why." "I have everything just the way I wanted it." "You're lying again." "I know it." "Oh, Father, isn't this ridiculous?" "It is." "I'm pretty annoyed at Jonathan, you know." "At Jonathan?" "Yes, he shouldn't have started something he couldn't finish." "I never would have gone to New York in the first place, would I, if he hadn't lost his head?" "Now he stands out there like a Rock of Gibraltar." "Lightning never strikes twice in the same place, they tell me." "Well..." "What are you after?" "The checkers." "I'll go." "The dike's probably got a hole in it again." "All right!" "All right!" "I'm coming, I'm coming!" "What's the matter?" "What are you trying to do?" "Break the door down?" "Mr." "Crandall!" "What is this?" "Almost killed me, Mr. Crandall." "We were just walking past, minding our own business, and wham!" "We don't like it, Mr. Crandall, to happen twice." "It's like a curse or something." "Yes." "Do you think maybe it means the Crandalls should let go?" "Well, it looks as if something bigger than we are has got a hand in this, don't you think?" "Yes, it does, doesn't it?" "It would probably be downright dangerous for me to continue as mayor." "No telling what might happen next." "Well, that certainly is a most unselfish way to look at it, Mrs..." "Your Honor." "I suppose it's silly of us to be so superstitious, but you..." "Oh, no." "It's perfectly understandable." "I wouldn't want the responsibility of daring the supernatural." "I'll resign immediately." "Well, good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "And thank you." "Thanks for coming in..." "And thanks for everything!" "Who says there aren't any miracles left in the world?" "Why, I'm free!" "Father, I'm free!" "Jessie!" "Oh, dear." "It's all right!" "It's all right!" "Wax." "Wax!" "I'm free!" "Jessie, we've just had a miracle." "You should've been here." "Oh, I saw him when he did it." "Did what?" "Who?" "The artist fellow, the night he left." "He fixed it so it would fall off." "He did?" "Well, what do you know about that!" "And you didn't say anything?" "Mrs. Crandall believes in miracles." "Let her, I say." "She might not have gone, otherwise." "Why, Jessie!" "You're a human being." "That don't call for you to be insulting, Mr. Crandall." "Jeepers, would you kindly whistle another tune?" "That one's really getting me down." "Well, that's a coincidence." "It's getting me down, too." "You've kind of lost your head over that little mayor dame, haven't you?" "Well, she's the type of woman men seem to lose their heads over, Miss Thorn." "In fact, a certain man I know of deliberately lost his head once, so that I would meet her in the first place." "I don't get it." "I don't blame you." "I didn't get it either the first time I heard it." "But to show you how much we want to believe in fairy tales," "I even fixed it so that he would lose his head again, hoping that might do it."