"Ah!" "Check it out." "Double-breasted... timeless." "You'll never get away with this." "A fitted suit on a pear shape?" "You're insane." "What did I tell you about speaking?" "I guess somebody doesn't want their dinner pellets tonight!" "Damn it." "Just don't talk." "Got it." "Can I help you, Officer?" "Are you Calvin Sniglet of 3412 Vicious Circle?" "Yeah." "We've been looking for you." "Is that right?" "I'm afraid I've got some bad news." "There's been three break-ins in this neighborhood in the last month." "We're doing our best to keep the neighborhood safe, but keep your doors locked, and if you see something, say something." "Sir, you mind opening the door so I can slip you my card?" "What is that?" "You think I wouldn't notice this?" "You've got a low-battery light on your smoke detector." "Oh, yeah." "I've been meaning to change that." "I'll take care of it." "You know, undetected flames is the number-one cause of fire in the home." "Okay." "There you go." " Well, thank you, Officer." " My pleasure." "Oh, and, uh, you need to change your wife's newspaper." "You're gonna be locked up for a long time." "I'm talking life." "No parole, no appeals." "And then she says her vows and... boom... we're hitched." "It's gonna be beautiful, sir." "So where are we on Scholls?" "Has anyone found her?" "Not yet, sir, but this should really speed things up." "Oh, wow." "That's great." "Great picture." "There's a theory that Calvin Sniglet took her to get back at us for ruining his plan" " to destroy humanity." " It's not a theory." " He definitely has her." " Listen to me." "I want every resource we have devoted to this." "I also want every resource we have devoted to this other murder... 30-year-old female Susan Learner found dead in massage parlor." "Somebody rubbed her out, and you're gonna find out who." "Geils, this will represent the final stage of your lieutenant training." " Good luck." " Thank you, sir." "You're in charge while I take a leave of absence for my wedding and my honeymoon." "But the second you hear anything... anything at all about Scholls, contact me." " How do we get..." " I'm unreachable." " Oh, sir, your heart medicat..." " Tell it to Geils!" "We're ready for you." "Okay, great." "Are we supposed to leave our underwear on?" "Yes." "Oh, cool, cool." "What are we looking at, Scholls." "Oh, right." "I think we got to get used to the fact that she might not be around anymore." "Any witnesses, Scholls?" "I'm a witness." "I found Miss Learner dead on the table." "I'm Detective Tribeca." "This is Detective Tanner." "Can we ask you a couple of questions?" "Sure." "Room number four." "Take off the robe, get under the blanket, and I'll be in in a minute." "Did you bring any extra underwear?" "Susan's been a regular client for a couple years." "I came in for her appointment and found her like that." "Did anyone hear anything?" "Oh, I heard her screaming, but I thought it was coming from Marco's room, 'cause his hot stones can be pretty hot." "Ooh." "You got a lot of knots." "I have a lot going on right now." "Could you give us the names of all the masseuses working today?" "Sure can." "I can get them from the front desk." "Scholls would've had them names already." "I know." "Anybody want a happy ending?" " Yes, please." " Absolutely." "That'll do, pig." "That'll do." "Anything yet?" "I'm about to slice it open." "Here it goes." "Whoa." "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" "I see it, but I don't believe it." "This should do it." "One final cut." " Whoa." " Whoa, it's amazing." "My God." "Look at the layers." "Pepperoni, cheese, sauce." "And what's that on the crust?" "Caramelized cheese." "Little Caesars is getting busy." "Mmm." "That's Little Caesars Deep!" "Deep!" "Dish pizza." "_" "Is this the forensics lab?" "Mom?" "What are you doing here?" "Oh, the temp agency sent me to be the new forensics specialist." "Mrs. Tribeca, great to see you." "Here's the body right over here." "Why did you dump him again?" "Mom, stop it!" "Oh, mm." "This is serious." "You don't know anything about forensics." "Why did they send you here?" "Because I told them I could type and that I have a doctorate in forensic science." " You know how to type?" " No." "Without Scholls, this is hopeless." "These lacerations are consistent with an animal attack." "Look at the spaces between the claws." "This woman was killed by a Bengal tiger." "Whoa." "How did you even..." "Neil Young had a fascination with big cats... and my derriere." "Mom!" "How did a tiger get into a massage parlor?" "By dressing in human clothes." "Sniglet." "If we find Sniglet, we can find Scholls." "Found him." "Good afternoon." "Calvin Sniglet, you're under arrest." "Not so fast." "Stand back." "He's got a bedbug." "Jesus, you train for this, but nothing can prepare you." "Lay one hand on me, and I set him loose." "Have fun washing and re-washing your clothes... putting everything you own into bags, constantly scratching tiny bug bites." "And worst of all, purchasing a brand-new mattress." "I just got used to mine." "And we're miles away from Labor Day sales." "What do you want, Sniglet?" "Not much." "Just for you to close the L.A. Zoo and set all the animals free." "No way." "Never gonna happen." "Then the animal attacks will continue." "And you'll be seeing Dr. Scholls back in the forensics lab." " Well, that's good." " As a corpse." "I walked right into that." "Set all the zoo animals free, and you can have your human back." "Uh-oh." "Siri, get me the mayor." " Calling Mayor Joe Perry." " Siri, hang up." "You can't close the zoo." "It'll be chaos, and we can't have chaos this weekend... it's Cat-astrophic!" "We all enjoy the nation's largest cat festival, but I have to think about the safety of our citizens." "If the Lieutenant were here right now, you know what he'd say." "Geils, don't be foolish." "That's a good Atkins." "I couldn't stay away." "These are my future in-laws, Frank and Tanya." "Can, uh, you point me to the bathroom?" "Down the hall, and make it quick!" "These animal attacks will continue unless we listen to Sniglet's demands, not to mention Scholls." "We have no choice." "Sniglet is a madman." "If we give in to him now, who knows what he'll do next." "Damn it, Geils, 90% of the city's revenue comes from zoo tickets." "Detroit has cars." "Wisconsin has cheese." "L.A. has fat people roaming around looking at animals in cages." "Phew!" "That's better." "Welcome back, Mrs. Weidner." "Now, if potty time is over, we have a rehearsal dinner to get to." "It's your call." "All my life, I've wanted to be the kind of lieutenant who prevents people from getting killed." "Get me the mayor." "I'm closing the zoo." "Oh, wow." "That's so wrong." "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "_" "I know what you're gonna say." "Closing the zoo was a mistake." "People are still getting killed, Sniglet lied, and Scholls is no closer to being found." "Your career is doomed, Geils." "Good doomed or bad doomed?" "And as far as Dr. Scholls..." "Monica, you're alive." "How did you escape?" "I used my bun to pick the lock on the cage." "After that, it was a simple matter of seducing an armadillo and then walking out the front door." "After which, Monica and I had quite a nice talk." " Didn't we, Monica?" " It was okay." "Geils, I was quite intrigued to learn that you were not only having an inappropriate relationship with the head of forensics, but that, subsequently, you were having an inappropriate relationship with another detective." "Why are you doing this?" "I could talk about things like ethics and civil service, transparency in law enforcement, but the simple truth is you traded hos, now we trading' blows." "Acting Lieutenant Geils, you are hereby suspended." "Mr. Mayor, please." "We can fix this." "It's not Geils' fault." "Are you speaking as a cop or an ex-lover?" "Ex-lover." "In accordance with the line of succession," "Detective Hoffman is acting lieutenant." "Geils, don't worry." "We're gonna figure this out." "You were right, Angie." "It was a mistake for me to even try." "You suspended a good cop." "Maybe the best." "I told you about the secret bathroom." "Well, well, well." "Angela Tribeca." "Dr. Hornbein, I need your help." "Please, sit down." "Calvin Sniglet has somehow trained the zoo animals" " to attack humans." " Mm." "So the hunted are becoming the hunters, the consumed are becoming the consumers." "The downtrodden are becoming the up-not-trodden." "I don't know how to stop him." "Personal things, please." "Fine." "I found out my father was alive." "He faked his own death when I was 12." "I went to see him, and he ran away again." "Yes, yes, I know that." "What I want you to tell me is how did that make you feel." " Angry." " That's a secondary emotion." " How did it make you feel?" " Sad." "Alone." "Those are all secondary emotions." "Tell me how did it make you feel?" "!" "Hurt." "Hurt, yes." "It's easy to hurt children." "They have no control over what happens to them... neither do animals, actually." "Mr. Sniglet is both an animal and a child." "Now he's fighting for control." "How do we stop him?" "Oh, I'll help you." "Under one condition." "And now by the power vested in me from the State of California," "I now pronounced you Lieutenant and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Here ya go... total failure." "Hey, he's just a guy who was trying to do the right thing and it resulted in seven people dying." "Total failure is the name of the drink." "It's two shots of Four Loko and a can of New Coke." "I'm worried about you, Geils." "Why don't you just go hang out with your serial killer date?" "It's the only way I could get him to agree to help me find Sniglet." "Lieutenant Hoffman signed off on it." "Sorry." "You'll make lieutenant soon." "Honestly, I haven't given it a second thought." "Thanks for letting me read the first draft of your book." "I love the end when he makes lieutenant." "I'm not great at emotional pep talks that inspire people to action, but... for you, I'm gonna give it a shot." "Ow!" "Quit feeling sorry for yourself and step up to the plate, you big pussy." "People need you." "And if you're gonna focus on what you've lost and not on what you have, then you're really stupid." "I'm talking to myself, too." "My dad left me." "Who cares?" "!" "I raised myself, and I became a great cop." "I was basically my own dad." "So what if no one ever told me how sex works." "That explains a lot." "When bad stuff happens, the dad in us picks up the little kid in us, and we get the job done." "So?" "Ready to go to work... son?" "Yeah." "If I could have everyone's attention, please." "I'd like to say a few words about my mentor, the man who's taught me right from wrong, courage under fire, the difference between "there," "they're," and "their,"" "and how to take care of the weakest among us, the animals." "I'm talking, of course, about Calvin Sniglet." "Hello, everyone!" "Oh, my God." "She's with him." "It's gonna be so much fun shooting her." "Welcome, everyone, to the last..." "To the last..." "Hello." "Come on." "Seriously?" "Check, two, check." "Hello." "Ah." "Come on." "Hello." "Can you hear me, anybody?" "Can I, uh..." "Check it... check it, two." "Check, give me... check two." "Hello." "Check." "Come on." "One, two." "One..." "Can I get another microphone, please?" "Do you see?" "Yeah, just give me a new microphone." "This is..." "How about now?" "How about..." "Can you hear me?" "Check?" "Yeah, there we go!" "Okay." "Much better, all right." "We're good now, folks." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your last day on Earth." "Humans are the most destructive force this planet has ever seen, and it ends today." "Calvin." "Oh, hey, Angie." "Good to see you." "Turn yourself in." "We know your heart's in the right place." "The way that we treat animals is absolutely insane." "But killing all the humans isn't the answer." "Go volunteer." "Be an activist." "Heck, run for mayor." "You got my vote." "Ah, it doesn't matter anyway." "Humans had their time on Earth." "And like all species, they eventually go extinct." "I'm just here to speed up the process." "You can't win." "There's too many of us." "You're right." "I'm all alone." "Or am I?" "Say hello to my little friend." "Devour them!" "Damn." "I thought it was a Jet Ski." "Angie." "Angie, let me loose." "I'm a trained zoo keeper." "Hello, my majestic jungle..." "If I never pee in another Porta-Potty again, it will be too s..." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Hunt them down just as they would do to you!" "Togeth..." "Aah!" "It's pretty bad out there." "We might not make it out alive." "I just want to say" "I always planned on getting back together with you when I ran out of options." "That means a lot to me, but we're gonna be okay." "Sniglet's dead, and I'm sure the tiger's getting full." "We just need a weapon." "Angie, hand me the..." "Angie?" "Hey, Stripes, pick on someone your own size!" "Oh, shit." "Tribeca!" "Bad kitty." "You have the right to remain endangered." "Geils." "Geils?" "Geils." "I'm not gonna make it." "No, no, yes, you are." "Yes, you are." "No, I'm not." "Then you should know that I love you more than I've ever loved anybody or anything." "More than my parents, siblings, chocolate, money." "You'll always be my partner." "And now I'll always be alone." "Congratulations, Lieutenant." "What..." "What was that?" "I..." "I said..." ""Congratulations, Lieutenant."" "Good work, Detective Geils." "Or should I say..." "Lieutenant Geils." "You mean this was all..." "Your final exam." "You passed with flying colors." "But what about Sniglet and the zoo keeper?" "Say hello to Todd Bender from Vice." "And Chris Harbinson from the daycare center." "Special kudos to Harbinson." "He had to spend 15 years in prison to prepare for this." "So fun." " But you got married, right?" " Yeah, right." "Say hello to my niece, Natasha." " Good to see you, Uncle Pritikin." " You too, honey." "But the..." "But the tiger." "Congratulations." "But if it means anything, I was into the handcuffs." "We went to different cities tracking Sniglet." "He killed people." "All death row inmates that were gonna get executed anyway." "What?" "!" "There were times when people worked the case that I wasn't there." "Geils, you're over-thinking it, as usual." "But you know what is real?" "This party." "So let's get to it!" "What a party, huh?" "Mmm!" "And we have the taxpayers to thank." "They're probably gonna put you in a big office." "I'm gonna miss having you near me." "Oh, that reminds me." "I did such a good job with the Geils training," "I..." "I got promoted to captain." "I get to keep my office, you stay at your desk, and everything stays exactly the same." "Oh." "You're under arrest for the murder of Angie Tribeca." "Murder?" "But that is her." "We just received some disturbing news." "This is not Angie Tribeca."