"For the sin we have committed by gluttony." "And for the sin we have committed by succumbing to despair." "For the sin we have committed by stubbornness." "And for the sin we have committed by rashly judging others." "Oh, Lord, before I was born" "Sweetheart do you see that guy in the corner?" "The dark hair, blue yarmulke?" "Absolutely gorgeous." "That's Ben Feldman, M  A, JP Morgan." "He has no chin." "Mother, be quiet." "He separated from his wife, some shiksa from ldaho" "She could do better." "She could." "You could do better." "Stop feeding her perfectionism." "You did that with Larry." "l didn't like him." "He was a prince." "I didn't care for him." "He wasn't The One, okay?" "He had no sex appeal." "Mother, he's right over there." "Marriage is hard." "She's 28, hasn't dated in a year." "She'll be alone." "Would you shut up?" "I'm atoning!" "Trust me. lt means speechless, without words." "l think unimpressed." "No, speechless, perplexed." "Are you sure?" "l'm sure." "Howard, define nonplussed." "Speechless, perplexed." "Thank you, Howard." "And that cellist, with the thing?" "Two umlauts, both U's." "Right." "Right." "Right." "Oh, my God." "Hi!" "Congratulations!" "You're glowing." "Are you thrilled?" "I can't drink, smoke or eat sushi for nine months. I'm panicked." "Did you celebrate last night?" "Yeah." "Matthew's so excited." "Meyers. I gotta talk to you." "Did you get my e-mail?" "Yeah." "Deep-seated." "Who knew?" "Has nothing to do with seeds." "Refers to how deeply something is set." "Shit!" "Don't worry." "What's this?" "What did you do?" "What is what?" "This profile." "You totally gutted it." "It was sappy and long-winded." "You went down on the guy." "This is one of the great directors of our time." "He merits a little praise." "It's an article, Stein." "He's an artist." "We can't afford an adjective for him?" "Not one?" "It was a good piece." "It was clear. lt had heart" "Stein." "Your phone is ringing." "What?" "Your phone is ringing." "Jessica Stein." "Jessy!" "Oh, hey, Danny. I'm sorry." "l got some news!" "Are you okay?" "l'm fine. I just" "You can't tell Mom and Dad." "Okay." "Are you sitting down?" "I proposed to Rach!" "I'm getting married!" "It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case indescribably monotonous and unrenewed." "It is shyness before any new, unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope." "But only someone who is ready for everything who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical will live the relation to another as something alive." "God, this is great. I am so glad that you asked me to do this." "It was so bold of you to come up to me at the gym." "I thought I'd give it a shot." "You seem so focused on your workout, I wasn't sure if you'd talk to me." "That's the whole gestalt of the gym." "It's so narcissistic and shallow." "We try to maintain anonymity while we're there" "No. I have to disagree with you." "I really love working out." "It is a little narcistic, as you say, but I really get a high you know, from all those endorphmins pumping and all." "So, you're a writer." "That's amazing." "Hi. I'm sorry I'm so late." "You're right on time." "l'm an hour late." "No, no." "You are right on time." "Hey, tarbender, the lady will have a" "A frozen strawberry margarita with salt, please." "Well, I see great minds think alike." "We split the salad, but as I recall, you ate a little more." "including more of the arugula, which is a more expensive green." "I didn't have any goat cheese." "Allergic." "No dessert, easy enough." "That leaves your portion at $42.73 and mine at $1 8.1 4." "Beautiful." "Perfect." "Do you have exact change?" "It's so funny, Jessica." "But I go out with a lot of girls." "A lot." "And I feel so comfortable with you, so at home, so free to be myself." "I'm normally a pretty self-defecating guy." "Let me tell you, you're phat." "I'd love to see you twirl." "With a P-H." "Twirl!" "Oh, okay." "As it were...." "l like the way your hair goes around your head." "You know?" "l spilled some." "What's not to get?" "I think we're connecting. I'd like to represent you as your accountant and your boyfriend, if that's at all possible." "The New Yorker loves us." "The reviewer is creaming in her pants." "So exhale, please." "His back has been like solid concrete all night." "Your boyfriend has on his serial killer face." "He's scaring guests." "He's been a little needy lately. I'll talk to him." "Oh, hi!" "You're late." "My cab driver was Ukrainian, and my Slav is only so-so." "So you want to do something later?" "I'll be at the library later." "In the 1 6th century archives." "Nude, with a bookmark dangling precariously off of my dick." "So I'll be waiting for you." "Should I bring anything?" "Just your unbelievable body." "And a photo l.D. And a library card." "Pickup." "Oh, yes." "Right this way, please." "Where have you been?" "I've been waiting." "They got me mad busy." "Where's Helen?" "Delivery." "Wait, I'm still working." "Helen, line one." "Jesus Christ." "Okay, got it." "Helen Cooper." "Why do you destroy this relationship?" "We're not in a relationship." "You have to stop." "Now!" "Yes, and I'm sure your wife feels the same way." "Listen, I've got to babysit the show." "How's 1 1 for you?" "How's right now for you?" "Thanks very much." "How does this skirt make you feel?" "Does it turn you on?" "Does it make you hot?" "Does it scare you?" "Does it minimize you as a man?" "You're really doing this?" "l've decided." "You've decided, or was it that article in New York magazine?" "I've decided." "I think it's time. lt's the one thing I haven't experienced." "Of course." "You go on with your frisky self." "Don't let Mr. Fuddy-Duddy piss on your parade." "Thank you." "Mar?" "She is trying new things for once." "Today, sexual preference." "Tomorrow, henna tattoos." "Okay, so let's see, Oscar Wilde is too flip, Emily Dickinson is too trite." "It has to be just so." "Maybe George Eliot." "Why do I need a quote?" "If it's brainy, it will weed out the unwashed masses." "If it's well-chosen, you're someone who understands the plight of your prospective partner, of humanity." "By couching it in the words of a great writer you appear sophisticated, but earnest." "Grounded, but hopeful." "You'll have more pussy than you know what to do with." "Here, look." "Rilke?" "Rilke's very profound." "Here." "The first thing you want to do is say, "For friendship, or more...."" "Why?" "To have access to the bi-curious straight girls." "Straight girls?" "But" "Trust me." "Virgin flesh, mangia !" "Bring that." "Let's go." ""Professional E.E.U.W.S.V.G.L.N.S D.W.M. seeking same." What could that mean?" "I'm not really versed in singles scene acronyms." "This guy used a quote." "That is so cheesy." ""lt is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves. lt is shyness before...." This one stinks." "Actually, I think it's Freud." "Rilke." "One of those, I think." "Sorry." "Guess I should read on." ""But only someone--"" "Does he describe himself?" "Esoteric quote man?" "Let's see." "Oh, that's "Women Seeking Women."" "I really have a lot of work to do." "Would you mind terribly?" "No, no, no, no." "Thanks." "Sorry." "Charles can make it tonight, so you'll meet him." "Oh, good, good." "That'll be great." "Thanks." "is it okay if I bring a date tonight?" "Sure." "The more the merrier." "Great. I'll see you tonight." "You invited Josh?" "Hey, it's Hel." "Leave it at the beep." "Hi, I'm Nan." "I'm calling about your ad." "I'm looking for someone with a big heart and an adventurous spirit." "In the long term, I'm looking for someone to mother a child with me." "You get it." "lt will be adorable." "It'll be terrible." "You're loving this, aren't you?" "I'm 1 60 pounds and I wake up vomiting." "I have to live through someone." "lt's embarrassing." "He's looking." "He's staring." "It's gonna be weird." "Hi. I'm Charles." "Hi." "Jessica." "Hey, it's Hel." "Leave it at the beep." "I'm calling about your ad." "I'd like to meet you as soon as possible because you sound really special." "And I'm hanging on by a thread here." "And I could really use someone special." "Sojust call me, okay?" "Oh, my God. I'm so happy to be eating a meal with intelligent people." "Oh, that's us." "I know!" "Thank you for not being freaks or morons or using words incorrectly." "Bless you all." "Most people I meet at the salon are totally malcompetent." "So, Charles, what about you?" "Have you had a horrible time out there too?" "Oh, I don't know. I do okay." "Actually I just met somebody pretty special." "Her name's Michelle." "And it's early, but it feels right." "Charles, I thought you were single." "Didn't you tell me that, honey?" "l thought so." "Was this supposed to be a setup?" "No, no." "No way." "Not a setup." "Just a friendly dinner." "Just a group of friends." "Matthew and I just like to have our friends know each other." "Don't worry about it." "We've all been through it. lt's a jungle." "Stein always has trouble meeting people who are good enough for her." "I wish I had your luck." "You have no trouble meeting people of your caliber." "Why don't you cut yourself a break?" "It's not the time to meet somebody." "What, not the season?" "No, it's just because you're clearly not open to it." "Excuse me?" "How would you know?" "I have history to draw from." "But even if I didn't...." "You've known Charles for an hour." "In that time you've insulted and dismissed men based on factors like a linguistic misstep, a different view on going Dutch a kind reaction to your lateness, and a genuine interest in yoga." "You know, I think it was Anaïïs Nin who said:" ""We don't see things as they are." "We see things as we are."" "Generally, I'm not a Nin fan but I feel that bit sums you up to a tee." "I don't think the problem's with the men, the "freaks and morons."" "I think the problem is with you." "Jessica?" "Jessica?" "Hi!" "I was just looking for you." "Helen." "Right." "Hi." "Good to meet you." "Sorry I'm so late. I'm always late." "Come sit." "Hope you didn't wait long." "I was just starting to get worried that maybe you weren't gonna show." "Helen, right?" "You know, I should have said this on the phone, and I didn't." "And I'm sorry that I didn't but you should really know that this isn't me." "lt isn't?" "Not at all. I'm sorry." "Taxi!" "Shit!" "Which part of it isn't you?" "All of it." "So why did you call and...?" "I've been trying to be a little less me lately." "That's why this." "But really, I'm still me." "See?" "I see." "We don't have to do a whole big" "We could get a drink." "l don't think so." "Taxi!" "Come on, you don't want to go to your dinner so frazzled." "Oh, my dinner!" "Right." "Yeah, I think a little red wine would really help to...." "Look, you seem really nice." "I just made a mistake. I have to go." "Shit!" "Oh, God. I'm sorry." "Let me help." "This is awful." "You know what?" "I missed my yoga class this morning, and I'm not my usual centered self." "Do you do yoga regularly?" "is that something--?" "Every day, actually." "I find it keeps me really strong and energized and usually graceful." "l've heard that." "Have you never tried it?" "No, I couldn't sit still and breathe for long. I'd panic." "So, what do you like to do for exercise?" "I like basic exercise. I like to run or walk." "Just keep moving, you know?" "As long as I'm moving, I'm safe." "And when you're sleeping?" "l'm an insomniac." "l'm so sorry." "Since when?" "l don't know, birth." "If you ever want to try a class, I'd be happy...." "Yeah. I don't think so." "Well, don't decide right now." "Just let it marinate for a while." "Okay, I will let it marinate." "I'm never gonna get a cab." "Maybe just one drink?" "Okay. I have, like, 20 minutes." "This Larry, that must have been pretty serious, huh?" "He proposed." "No. lt was, but...." "Well, what happened?" "It wasn't right." "He just wasn't funny, you know?" "I think that's been my big thing." "Not smart or not funny." "Or not smart and not funny." "Or smart, but funny in a totally unappealing way." "Like funny-stupid or funny-dopey, but not funny-witty or funny-ironic." "Or they seem smart, and then you realize that they aren't at all." "And that's funny, but funny-tragic." "If you're lucky enough to find someone who's the good kind of smart and the good kind of funny, then they're just kind of...." "Ugly." "Ugly!" "I'm sorry, yes." "That's awful, right?" "Ugly doesn't do it for you." "That's okay." "Me, I'm into ugly." "As long as it's sexy ugly." "Sexy ugly?" "Define." "Well, you can't. lt just is." "You know, sexy ugly." "Well, could you give me a celebrity who would fall into the category?" "Yeah, hold on a second." "I'll get you one." "Anjelica Huston?" "is that kind of the right idea?" "Yeah, I guess. I was gonna say Mick Jagger." "He's the big one." "Oh, Lyle Lovett, James Woods." "Harvey Keitel." "Very sexy ugly." "So you're not...?" "I mean, you've tried...?" "You've dated men?" "Of course." "Oh, good." "Good." "No, I'm relieved." "I assumed that you had...." "Oh, I have." "Also." "Yeah, I just find a lot of different things sexy." "Oh. I don't." "So should we settle the tab?" "What?" "Yeah, it's 8:1 0." "Don't you have a--?" "No." "You don't?" "But I thought" "No. I lied." "I know a great Indian place." "Helen?" "Yeah." "Can I ask you a question?" "Sure." "What color lipstick are you wearing?" "lt's three different kinds. I blend." "Really?" "Yeah." "Really?" "Wow." "Would you like to know the...?" "Would you feel comfortable?" "No, of course. I'd love to share." "I start with MAC Viva Glam lll, a great base. I add Prescriptives Poodle." "I love Prescriptives. lsn't it the best?" "The moisture and...." "l finish with Philosophy Supernatural Nude, which is more of a...." "Glossy kind?" "Exactly." "For the shine." "Right." "Right." "Wow." "That's it." "Wow." "Well, it looks just beautiful on you." "Thank you." "You should try it. lt would look gorgeous on your complexion." "Oh, thank you." "But, yeah, the blending thing is a little labor-intensive for me." "I'm kind of looking for that one." "Well, you'll never find it." "I'm telling you, blend." "So you'll have to tell me again." "Roland, Stephen and Craig?" "Greg." "Greg." "Greg." "Right." "Okay." "And do you have a favorite?" "No, not particularly." "Does one of them get more time than everyone else or a favorite one?" "Basically, I call Roland when I'm hungry Stephen when I'm bored, and Greg when I'm horny." "Who do you call when you're sick?" "l don't get sick." "Good system." "Who doesn't do e-mail?" "l hate computers. I object to them." "You must use them at the office." "Yes, I'm forced to." "But never at home." "At the office, I don't send e-mails, I receive them." "But...." "What?" "Have you discussed this with your therapist?" "No." "There's too much on the agenda already." "Like what?" "Just the usual." "Older, nothing to show for it." "No kids." "Why am I on the planet?" "God, they're so crazy." "No more so than anyone else." "What?" "A little more so, I'd say." "l don't think so." "But they are, objectively." "They're doing their thing." "They play the tambourine and ask people for money." "They have no goals." "They have a goal." "What?" "New robes?" "Spiritual enlightenment, happiness." "Look at them." "They're weird." "They're happy." "Some people smoke pot." "Some bungee jump, some chant." "What do you do to be happy?" "Nothing. I'm not." "But I have a job. I'm accomplishing something in the world." "What are you accomplishing?" "Bringing news to people." "I'm being a grownup. I'm not just out for me and my enlightenment." "They deal with the energy they put out to the universe." "It's more valuable than being miserable." "Wait a second. I'm sorry." "Are you saying that my life has no value?" "No. I'm saying that maybe under all the neurosis you have a profound capacity for happiness-- l could be profoundly happy?" "You can't know your response to something until you try." "If you know yourself well, you can gauge how you'll react." "I can assure you that I will never be made happy by chanting." "Maybe you would." "You can't know." "l know." "You know?" "Yeah, I know." "You know your reaction to everything?" "Pretty much, yes." "I guess you're right." "You seem to know yourself pretty well." "Why would she care what I think?" "She left before dessert." "She was a little upset." "Did you talk to her?" "I left her three messages." "She didn't return my calls." "Hey, you guys." "I brought doughnuts." "Look, Stein, I wanna apologize for what I said on Friday." "You had an opinion." "You expressed it." "Maybe you were right." "No, no, I mean, really, who am I to...?" "What did you say?" "l said maybe you were right." "Glad there are no hard feelings." "Josh?" "Do you ever use "marinate" as a verb?" "I mean, as a verb in other arenas than food preparation?" "Like, "to sit with"?" "Right." "To sit with something." "To let something marinate." "No." "Oh. I love it." "You know what?" "Don't worry about it." "Hi." "Hi." "Come in, please." "Thank you." "Hi." "Thanks." "Wow." "You look great." "Oh, no." "Thank you, no." "You do. I'm a mess, actually." "Those shoes are gorgeous." "Thanks for noticing." "Nine West?" "No, Kenneth Cole." "You're kidding." "No." "Well, they're very sexy." "They suit you." "Could we cut to the chase for a sec?" "Get the hard topics out of the way?" "Sure." "What's on your mind?" "It's just that whenever I have thought about lesbianism in the past I've always said "ew." Just, ew." "Can't go there, can't get excited." "I mean, what would we do?" "Right." "This is your big issue." "Right." "But I had such a wonderful time with you the other night." "I really did." "And I've been marinating on things and...." "Anyway...." "l have taken the liberty of getting information." "l wondered if I might?" "Of course." "Okay." "Okay, well, this one leaflet was particularly intriguing to me." ""Lesbian Sex:" "Hot, Safe and Sane." Do you know it?" "No, but please share." "I'd love to see it." "I was surprised to learn that lesbians accessorize. I didn't know that." "So for example, on page 1 1 , I dog-eared it they show some of the higher-tech lesbian accoutrement." "Wow." "Wow." "Yeah." "So, gosh, how would this work?" "I think I would just strap that on" "No, that's not fair." "We should trade off and share the load, in terms of giving and receiving." "That doesn't address the gross-out factor." "Oh, no offense." "No, none taken." "Look at you." "Who wouldn't want to have sex with you?" "I mean, do you, but...." "Let's not put the cart before the horse here with that stuff." "Because we don't need any of that." "We don't?" "I myself have always preferred the standard, organic, old-fashioned way." "Right." "You're right." "So that would be just...?" "Well, it's basically the same as with a man, except minus one thing." "Yes, well, right." "It's the other stuff that works for women anyway." "Yes, well, that is true." "Cheers." "Nice place." "Thanks." "ls that Barry White?" "No." "l'm gonna have to go slow." "Okay." "Whatever you need." "Great." "Sorry." "lt's okay." "is this with tongue, or...?" "I think we should just play it by ear." "Just see how it goes." "Okay, great." "Great." "Too much?" "Sorry." "Just a bit." "Okay, sorry." "But it was good up until then, right?" "Please don't do that." "That was your stomach." "I know. I can't do that." "Ever." "Really." "Even with a man." "Wow, okay." "Okay." "That was really good." "I thought that was our best ever." "Me too." "Definitely." "So I figure if we keep going like this, we'll get there in two weeks or so." "Yeah, sure." "There's no real rush." "Are you sure?" "If you really" "Not at all." "Ten days?" "Ten days is better." "Okay." "Good." "What does your therapist say?" "Oh, I could never tell my therapist." "Because it's private." "It's not working." "You said you really liked her." "l did. I do!" "It's just not working." "Why not?" "She's a cock-tease!" "Oh, my." "l mean, a tease." "A poon-tease." "Right." "Right." "And she's nervous and neurotic and straight!" "And not that into it." "I don't have time." "I took out an ad and I end up with a Jewish Sandra Dee." "Who do you have to blow to get some pussy around here?" "On to the next." "Onwards and upwards." "She doesn't get it." "She thinks it's going great." "Schuller Gallery." "Hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Yeah." "No, that's fine." "Why would I mind?" "No, 8:00 is perfect." "Okay. I'll see you there." "Bye." "is she 1 2?" "Jumpy today?" "No." "You got a hot date." "No." "Yeah." "Who's the guy?" "There's no guy." "Oh, come on." "You're a terrible liar." "Trust me." "There's no guy." "Oh, sorry." "Please, take me with you." "I can stand anything you can." "It's too much for a woman." "Too much for a woman?" "Put your arms around me, Tom." "We should have seen Gimme Shelter." "What were we thinking?" "Are you sure you don't mind?" "My office is really close." "What?" "Guy on stoop." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Wow, I get it." "Sexy ugly." "l still could never." "For once I feel like I should finish learning...." "Shit!" "Shit." "What is he doing here?" "Who?" "Nobody." "My boss." "Come on, it's just right over here." "Hey, Stein, I just can't keep you out of here, can I?" "Hi. I'm Josh Meyers." "Helen Cooper." "We're just" "Friends from the gym." "Stein has the pleasure of working for me." "You must be that complete asshole she's always talking about." "Don't mind her." "She's working out some residual anger from college." "You went to college together?" "No." "He went with my brother." "We dated for a year." "Really?" "So what happened?" "I wasn't living up to my potential." "Which was...?" "The next Hemingway." "He was extremely talented." "Now he's a professional l-dotter and T-crosser." "Stein was gonna be the next Georgia O'Keeffe." "Now she's a good T-crosser." "You paint?" "No, I don't. I'm a hack." "We can go. I gotta get this one thing." "Can I just use the bathroom?" "It's through that door, right at the elevator, left at the water fountain." "It's left at the water fountain." "It's not, "You will be wise and gain wisdom through a life-altering event."" "It's simply, "You are--" What does yours say?" ""Home is where the heart lies."" "You got an adage." "I like adages." "The whole notion of the fortune cookie is a sham." "Excuse me?" "When does anyone get a fortune?" "I'd like to know." "There are no fortunes being dispensed here." "Ladies." "Sorry to interrupt this big debate here but me and my friends have a little pool going." "We want to determine which one of you is more beautiful." "Oh, right." "Who won?" "That's the thing." "We're scratching our heads because it's close." "We thought we'd come buy you some drinks, do research." "l think we're fine, thanks." "Oh, no." "Please join us." "Because we were just trying to settle an argument too." "Really, what about?" "Well...." "No, it's kind of weird." "Tell us." "We were wondering whether a woman who's only been with men could ever be sexually attracted to a woman." "What do you think?" "Could she?" "l think she could." "Definitely." "lf she couldn't, she should." "God, what is that about?" "What?" "That male obsession with lesbian sex?" "Please don't answer." "Oh, come on. lt's just sexy, right?" "It's hard to describe." "A woman alone is sexy, God bless." "But two women together is like" "Double sexy." "Right." "Double sexy?" "Wow." "Wow, that's nicely put." "Yeah, that really is nicely put." "Tell us exactly what is it about two women together that you find exciting?" "Oh, come on." "Their whole...." "Their whole thing!" "The way they touch." "Really?" "How do they touch?" "Well, a woman is soft, you know?" "So when they touch each other, it's like they're soft." "Women really know how to touch." "But what would they do, I wonder?" "Who cares what they'd do?" "Two women's bodies together is hot." "Their hips, their legs, their belly buttons. lt's all good." "Obviously, two women would know" "They know how everything works in there." "Like how what works?" "Jess, what's the matter?" "It's nothing. lt's just I have a slight leg cramp." "You really should get that looked at." "Yeah." "Thank you for the concern." "You know what, guys?" "I think we really have to get going." "Oh, no." "We'll get you a drink!" "I'm a little worried about Jessica's leg." "I think I should get her into bed." "It was nice meeting you." "Take care." "See, women really know how to take care of each other." "Oh, come on!" "Shit!" "Oh, God, are you expecting somebody?" "No." "Fuck." "Give me a minute." "Greg!" "Oh, my God, what are you doing?" "You've been trying to avoid me." "No." "Hi. I'm Jessica." "l'm Greg." "How you doing?" "I'm sorry." "l was just going." "No, you're not!" "Yes, I was. I used her bathroom because the theater's line was long." "But I just did. I'm gonna go, so you should carry on." "Wait!" "You forgot the juicer you wanted to borrow. I'll get it." "Excuse us." "We were getting somewhere." "Yes, but what if I can't get that back?" "Maybe we bit off more than we can chew." "I mean, you have needs, I get it." "He's really hot." "I think you should go for it." "Stop talking." "Stop talking." "I want him to leave and you to stay." "l'm gonna get rid of him." "No, wait!" "If he leaves and I chicken out and you don't get any, I'm racked with guilt." "Helen, he's a sure thing and I'm not." "So just have fun. I adore you." "We'll try again tomorrow, okay, sweetie?" "Really nice to meet you, Greg." "Bye." "How's the patient?" "Oh, this is so humiliating." "Best not to talk." "Don't talk." "Okay." "You'll talk more for a change." "You're getting funny." "Means you're feeling better." "Jesus, what's all this?" "Options. I'm a big medicator." "Oh, my God, that's the best thing ever!" "Jewish penicillin." "You have to give me the recipe." "You don't need it." "You don't get sick." "No, a queen-size bed is perfect." "Nothing else." "Wait a second, there is something else." "I need a lock and a "Do Not Disturb" sign." "Yeah, that's it." "Can I talk to you for a second?" "l can't talk, I'm late." "l just wanted to-- -l have a train to catch." "Sorry." "l wanted to talk." "Have a good weekend!" "You too, sweetie!" "She is so seeing somebody." "Stein's desk." "Hello. I'm looking for my daughter." "Excuse me, who is this?" "Josh." "How are you?" "Joshy!" "Joshy!" "I haven't spoken to you in ages." "It's been a long time." "How are you?" "How am I?" "Fantastic." "I'm just excited about the wedding." "The what?" "The wedding." "Didn't Jessy tell you?" "No." "No, she didn't." "Daniel is getting married." "Danny." "That's wonderful." "Mazel tov." "You're invited." "Not to worry." "That's sweet of you." "How is Danny?" "I haven't talked to him in a while." "Dan is floating on air, that's how he is." "He's going to be here soon." "He's flying in from Ch-- Wait a minute!" "You'll join us for Shabbas dinner." "You have plans?" "What are you doing here?" "Coming to get you." "What?" "Day 1 0. I got a hotel." "I can't. I have a train to catch." "I have a dinner in Scarsdale." "Cancel." "My brother's in town." "Cancel." "Yes or no, lady?" "I don't got all day." "I gotta get out of here." "You know what?" "We'll talk in here. I can't think." "The hotel's right around" "We'll figure it out. i'll get my cell." "I'm borrowing these pants." "Mom?" "l just got off the phone- l can't come." "Something's come up." "What?" "My new friend Helen, the one I told you about?" "She got house seats to Cabaret, and I've been dying to go." "I'm thinking I will come up in the morning." "No." "You are coming tonight. I will get tickets for Cabaret next week." "lmpossible. lt's sold out." "What did she say?" "Is that your friend?" "Yes" "Put her on." "Jessica." "Mom, no, no, no." "For me." "Sweetheart, put her on." "Just for me." "She wants to talk to you." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Give me it!" "Hello?" "lt is so wonderful to talk to you." "Yes, hello." "I have a neighbor with a son who's in the production." "I can get you fantastic seats for next week, which would be my pleasure." "Not to mention the lead is out this week." "Can you believe it?" "He's got soft nodules on his vocal cords." "It would be a damn shame to go tonight!" "You know what you're gonna do?" "You'll join us for Shabbas dinner." "And we can finally meet!" "I am setting a place for you at this table as we speak and my husband will pick you up at the train in an hour." "Okay, darling?" "Okay." "What happened?" "Shabbas dinner in Scarsdale." "Shit." "Daniel, darling, you're in Elizabeth's seat." "Sidney, Stanley, you sit here." "That's right, Helen." "Jess, would you sit here?" "Between Stanley and me?" "Okay, Mom." "Stanley, it's lovely to have you." "Lovely to be here." "Pleasure is ours." "And of course, Helen, Jessy has told us so much about you." "lt's wonderful you're here." "Thank you. lt's lovely to be here." "Who could that be?" "Answer it." "What are you doing here?" "l was invited to dinner." "By whom?" "By Judy." "How was traffic?" "lt was bad." "How do you like that, Daniel?" "How are you?" "Good to see you." "Good to see you too!" "You know everyone except Stanley." "This is Josh." "And your last name?" "Schoenberg." "You don't know Helen." "We met the other night." "How you doing, Helen?" "Good." "Helen told us this is her first Shabbas." "We can raise the kids interfaith." "I'm willing to bend." "Well, I did go to a Seder once." "That's the extent of my Jewish education." "We'll do our best to represent Jews." "Jessy, Kiddush." "Oh, yes, okay." "Angel, angel." "Sing, my love, sing." "Amen." "Good Shabbas." "Good Shabbas." "Good Shabbas." "It does me such good to have you at this table." "Especially my children." "My beautiful son, who's a fancy lawyer now." "And my daughter who's the big deal-- -l'm a copy editor." "Big deal to me. ls she not gorgeous?" "Look at that ponim!" "She is beautiful." "Helen, Jessica tells us you own an art gallery?" "Jessica leans toward hyperbole." "I'm the assistant director at the Schuller Gallery." "What work do you show?" "Contemporary abstracts, right?" "I saw Diana Tompkins' exhibit last month." "Stanley is the vice president of new software development for ibm." "If you need a great deal on a new PC, let me know. I'm your man." "Jessica hates computers." "l'm sorry." "No, that's okay." "That's fine." "I just feel like they're numbing and obscuring our humanity." "Angel, could you help me in the kitchen?" "Sure, Mom." "Thanks." "One moment." "Be right back." "She likes to provoke." "No, I understand. I like that." "He's adorable and bright." "He's your father's partner's nephew." "Be nice." "I don't want to be nice." "All your setups have been disastrous." "How was I to know Eric was in rehab?" "Wan, pale, track marks?" "l thought it was diabetes." "Can I help?" "Make my daughter less stubborn and less picky." "Tall order." "Thanks." "Let me ask you something, Helen." "Isn't Stanley gorgeous?" "Yeah." "He's a handsome guy, Jess." "Wouldn't he make a great match?" "It's a very good match." "And I think Jess likes him." "Yes." "Yes, clearly I'm smitten." "Great. lt's not happening." "lt's not happening, Mom." "Breathe, Judy, breathe." "What about you, Helen?" "How do you like Josh?" "Oh, he's great, but my plate's a little full right now." "Beautiful girl like you, you have men falling all over you." "l do okay." "l wish Jessy would meet somebody." "It's been ages since she's met anybody worthwhile. ls she dating at all?" "I think so." "You know, now and again." "But no one special?" "l just don't know." "Keep me posted, will you?" "Sometimes she is so secretive with me." "Would you do that for me?" "I'm sure if it's someone really special, she'll tell you." "Our platform is compatible with the new camera software." "Photo shops will be a thing of the past." "They're putting copiers in computers." "This technology's unbelievable!" "Stanley's a genius." "l didn't invent the thing" "You're a genius." "Potatoes?" "Helen, what groundbreaking project is on your docket next?" "I'm curating a show this summer for new artists." "Jessy's work should be in that." "Have you seen her stuff?" "I haven't. lsn't that funny?" "She is marvelous." "That's her painting there." "She was the rage at Brown." "Jess, that's really good." "Don't bother." "She won't listen." "It's settled." "No one's leaving." "The rain's terrible." "We've got warm beds." "Everyone stays." "Genug." "Enough said." "l hope you girls don't mind sharing." "No problem." "We'll be okay." "Right?" "Yes." "Yeah, we'll be fine, Mom." "You sure it's big enough?" "l think we'll just fit." "Good night." "Night." "Stop it!" "You stop." "Kids!" "Good night, Stanley." "Good night." "Poor Stanley." "Didn't know what he was getting into, huh?" "The Stein women are tough to please." "Take a better man than me." "Clearly." "So how's your writing coming?" "Oh, you know." "Not." "What do you mean?" "I don't want to be a writer anymore." "I'm happier tearing down the work of writers who are not as talented as I am and not as paralyzed." "Any artistic frustration I have now I just take out on them." "Damn, man, you got dark." "l know." "This is so weird." "In a month of such normalcy." "You're very quiet." "Jesus Christ, I feel like we're gonna be grounded or something." "Wait, Jess, what are you--?" "Stop talking. lt's day 1 0." "Fuck." "There's nothing fucking on." "Jesus, I was supposed to call Rach." "You okay down here, man?" "Yeah." "Your mom left sheets." "All right, good night." "Good night." "Jesus." "Can I get some fries with that shake?" "Enough is enough." "You never write, you never call." "Are we breaking up or will you tell me about him?" "Sweetie, no." "Okay, we're breaking up." "No, I...." "Okay, yes, I've been seeing someone." "Duh!" "I just don't want to jinx it by talking about it." "You know what?" "Just jinx it." "Yeah." "Okay, jinx it." "How about we meet on Sunday, if my water doesn't break by then?" "The thing is, we're kind of laying low this weekend, he and I." "But maybe next week." "Not maybe." "Definitely." "Okay." "Definitely." "Knock, knock." "ls everything okay?" "Yeah, why?" "You just don't seem like yourself lately." "Yeah, well, you know, you don't either." "Okay." "Hey, did you get the wedding invite?" "Yeah." "They're beautiful, right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that's great for Danny." "Yeah, we're excited." "Well, you should be." "Why can't you be happy for me?" "You're an affront to gays and I'm gay." "is it so hard to believe I like her?" "Why?" "You like penis." "You've had more cock than me, and I was a whore in the '80s." "I'm sorry, ma'am." "Come on, come on." "It's not something you try on to see if it fits." "I can't put black polish on and join a gospel choir if I don't feel white." "That's a terrible analogy." "Why's that?" "You're born black." "Exactly my point." "Okay, so what do you think?" "It's genius, right?" "Who died?" "l'm an affront to the gay community." "Not this again." "Why do you care who I'm with?" "Why do you care?" "She likes this girl." "Straight girl." "Straight girl, gay girl, what's the difference?" "An orgasm is an orgasm." "If Helen and I blew you, would you know the difference?" "Depends." "Does Helen stop halfway through?" "Too much information." "That happened once." "And you were so drunk you could hardly even" " You know what?" "The point is, this person Helen's with seems lovely and smart." "And a talented artist who's in our show." "Have you met her?" "Well, no." "Why haven't we met her?" "How come you never make noise?" "What?" "When we're having sex." "is it not good?" "Excuse me." "What?" "It's fine. lt's...." "Because I can never tell." "You're so quiet." "And I make noise so you know what's working." "Whatever you want, I'll do." "lf something's not working-- -lt's all fine. lf we could" "Like sometimes when I go down on you, it seems like you like it but" "This isn't the right time to talk about it." "It's never the right time, especially when it's the right time." "God, Jess, what are you doing here?" "Oh, my God." "Joan, hi!" "What are you doing here?" "Shopping, of course." "Hi." "Joan, this is Helen, a friend of mine." "Nice to meet you." "This is Joan, a friend." "What are you doing here?" "I thought you were laying low." "Yes, I was." "We were." "And then my friend Helen here actually volunteers for this homeless thing." "And I had promised to help her make brownies today." "And so we're getting the ingredients to make the brownies." "Must make a pretty good brownie." "Lesbians?" "l couldn't think of one thing to say!" "l don't believe this!" "l know, I know, I know, I know." "It's crazy, right?" "It's a surreal episode." "Are you horrified?" "Do you find me disgusting?" "No, sweetie." "Are you sure?" "Are you kidding?" "I'm impressed!" "You are?" "Matthew won't use the sex toys I buy." "Oh, my God." "And you're so conservative." "Fuck you, I know!" "Does anyone else know?" "No!" "Are you crazy?" "Don't tell Josh." "No, no, I won't." "No matter what you do." "Don't ever." "l won't." "Shit!" "This is huge." "And it's so radical." "l know." "God, tell me everything." "How did you meet this person?" "What?" "How did this--?" "Oh, don't tell me." "You answered that ad!" "I don't believe it!" "All right!" "Oh, my God!" "I'm a hypocrite!" "I know, I know!" "It was a whim." "You know what?" "It was this wacky, nutty whim." "I'm a Rilke fan. I read that ad and I thought it'd be nice to meet a friend." "Oh, my God!" "It's all wrong. lt's not me!" "I'm a Jew from Scarsdale." "This has gotta stop." "We have to pretend nothing" "Stop!" "You're hysterical." "l gotta call her." "No, I'm not." "Breathe." "What's she like?" "She's great." "She's kind and witty and quirky and nurturing and evolved." "All that crap." "But she's a girl, you know?" "She's thin." "She has thin arms, and she's soft and attentive, and it's wrong." "How's the sex?" "lt's good." "Really?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Does she make you laugh?" "Oh, yeah." "A lot." "We laugh a lot." "ls she as smart as you?" "Yeah." "Definitely." "She gets you?" "She does." "She really does." "I mean I think the thing is we just really click." "You know?" "Sounds like you definitely need to put a stop to this." "Am I wearing this?" "This is bad." "For Rachel, you will wear this." "You look beautiful." "l look beautiful?" "I look like a heifer in her fifth month." "Do you want to eat?" "Yes, let's go." "I made a reservation next door." "I told Helen." "In case she" " There she is." "What?" "l left a message for her to join us." "Hi, dear." "How are you?" "What's all this?" "Very funny." "No, really." "What's going on?" "These are our dresses, sweetheart." "For the wedding." "For Daniel's wedding." "Didn't I tell you?" "My brother's getting married." "No, you didn't." "You didn't tell her?" "No, no, I did. I was sure that I had." "When?" "When?" "When is he getting married?" "Next weekend." "Didn't you get the invitation?" "Excuse me." "Oh, my God." "Jessy." "l'm sorry." "What did I say?" "What happened?" "Nothing at all." "Her brother died at his wedding." "He died?" "Yeah, I'll explain later." "Her brother died at a wedding?" "Please wait!" "Your brother's getting married!" "l was sure I told you." "Stop!" "You're a terrible liar." "One of your best qualities." "Don't do this here." "I am so tired of being left out of half of your life!" "We are in a rela" "Relationship, whether you like it or" "Why am I whispering?" "This is the point!" "We have been though this." "I never considered anything like this." "Here we are. lt's happening." "It's good." "I'm not ashamed of it." "If you are, we have a problem." "She hates that dress." "Let's not get crazy." "You know?" "It is good. lt's great." "But I'm just not ready to deal with the complexities of...." "God, you can't even say it!" "Say what?" "I never imagined doing this." "You are doing this!" "This didn't just happen to you." "lt feels like it did. I'm sorry." "l can't be with you and be intimate and be shut out of basic things in your life!" "What's so terrible about having privacy in this?" "To see if it makes sense?" "When you don't acknowledge who I am, I feel like you're ashamed." "l'm not!" "That's how it feels." "God, what do you want?" "Take me to your brother's wedding." "I can't." "I'm sorry. I just can't." "Fine. I can't either." "Hey, it's Jess." "Leave me a message." "Okay, we did it." "Hannah Claire Levine, 8 pounds, 6 ounces." "Sorry we didn't call sooner." "It was 3 a.m. and it went fast, thank God." "It's the worst pain one will ever know." "You can't imagine." "I'm in room 325 at Sinai." "Oh, my God!" "Can you believe?" "Come by soon." "Where are you?" "The only woman to love me, not in spite of my faults, but because of them." "I'm gonna go get some air." "Helen, hey." "Oh, Josh, hi." "I'm flattered, but it's not a good time." "They're for Jessica." "Sorry." "I heard the opening was tonight, and I wanted to wish her well." "That's sweet, but she's not here." "You're kidding." "Why not?" "She's got a lot going on." "Wedding stuff, rehearsal dinner." "I am so stupid." "Will I see you there tomorrow?" "No, you won't." "ls that hers?" "Oh, yeah." "It's a pretty powerful piece." "Yeah." "Amazing that someone like Jessica takes such risks in her work." "She certainly doesn't anywhere else." "Beautiful toast." "Yeah, it was." "You okay?" "I don't know." "No?" "What is it, Jess?" "I just...." "Sometimes I think I'm gonna be alone forever." "You can jump in anytime." "You're my love, you know that?" "My beloved." "Sometimes I worry for you." "I worry for me too." "Sweetheart." "I will never forget, when you were in the fifth grade and you were so excited when you got the lead in the play." "Remember?" "Really Rosie?" "Yeah. I remember." "You came home after the first day of rehearsal and you said:" ""Mommy, I'm not gonna do it. I quit." Just like that." "And I turned to you and I said, "Jessy." "Jessy, my love, why?"" "You said, "Because my costar isn't good enough." "If my costar isn't good, then the play won't be good." "And I don't want to be part of any play that isn't good enough."" "And I thought to myself:" ""This child will suffer." "How this child will suffer."" "Then they gave it to the mieskeit with glasses." "Tess Greenblatt." "God, she was terrible." "Right, and you would have been great!" "And you had to watch Terrible Tess do it with that guy who was actually quite excellent." "He was." "He was very good." "And you know I always think that you would have been so much happier doing that play." "Even if it was just okay." "Even if it was great." "Just not the best ever." "And maybe just maybe, it would have been the best ever." "You never know." "Jessy." "Yeah?" "I think you" "I think she's a very nice girl." "Hey, it's Jess." "Leave me a message." "Jessica." "Hi, it's Josh Meyers." "I just wanted to...." "Oh, God, I wish you were home." "I'm wearing this." "Do you have any interest in this one?" "Mazel tov!" "You did great." "Aren't they gorgeous?" "Oh, darling." "How's it going?" "Are you the lesbian?" "We want you to know how welcome you are in the family." "Right, Sid?" "l told her "welcome" three times." "Jesus." "I've been hearing about The One for 20 years now." "I thought it'd be a guy." "I know. I don't believe that there's just one person." "I think there are, like, seven." "Oh, fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Are you okay?" "is it horrible?" "l'm fine." "Your dress looks good." "I'll be right back." "I don't know what she sees in her." "She's flat-chested." "Jesus, Mother." "But at least you're Jewish, right, dear?" "No, but I've been to a Seder." "Well, that's...." "Hey, congratulations." "I'm sorry I'm a little late." "Congratulations." "l've been looking for you." "Why?" "Well, just to...." "Did you get my...?" "What?" "Nothing." "What?" "Doesn't matter." "Helen, dear, have you thought about kids?" "You could, of course, each try artificially inseminating." "Could you excuse me for a minute?" "I really have to pee." "Did you see the view?" "No, not yet." "Well, why don't we just go look at it?" "Hi, Helen." "Oh, my God." "Joan, hi." "Sorry, I was just...." "l know." "Do you smoke?" "No, I don't." "Good." "Neither do I." "Oh, my God." "l know." "lt's so beautiful." "Yeah." "Are you cold?" "No, I'm fine." "Take my jacket." "Really, I'm fine." "Jessica." "What?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah, why?" "I just haven't heard you say my first name in a decade." "Oh, right." "Sorry." "Stein, just take my coat." "Okay, thanks." "lt's just like kissing a guy." "No, it's not." "No, it's not." "How's it different?" "The lips are softer and the body's softer and there's this nonthreatening, but very exciting.... lt's kind of hard to describe." "It's pretty fucking awesome, actually." "The zipper" "Like, a year?" "An hour." "Then you've impacted the world." "This is exactly-- l've always had this theory along the same lines." "It's really stupid, but I've felt like if you came up with a good quote...." "Right." "Of course." "But a good one." "Like, "Nothing to fear but fear itself."" ""Ask not what your country--" Then you're done!" "That's immortality in one light bulb moment." "You go off to some Caribbean island, and drink all day and read and" "What are you doing?" "l just...." "Hey, Meyers, take it easy." "We got plenty. lt's an open bar." "I needed that, unfortunately, because I have to tell you something." "And it's just gonna be hard." "Oh, my God." "Are you firing me?" "That's really great!" "No, I'm not firing you." "I went to see your show last night." "And I brought you flowers because I knew you were sad." "The truth is, you've been really happy lately. I've noticed." "I mean, so happy and that's made me really sad." "I'm inexplicably, deeply sad." "You know?" "Different than my general snarky, bitter, tortured thing." "Anyway, I went to see your show, not knowing why and I saw your piece." "And I stared." "And then I had to get out of there." "I ran home." "And I started writing." "Just writing all night." "I wrote all night and into today." "That's why I was late." "I was writing, and you know what?" "I was happy doing it." "Really happy for the first time in a long time." "As soon as I felt this thing, this happy thing I wanted to be with you." "You were the first person I wanted to be with." "Then it hit me." "Around 6 a.m., you know, it hit me that the reason I was sad when you got so happy and I was happier when you got sad was not because I didn't want you to be happy." "It was just because I wanted to be part of the reason you were happy." "I want to make you happy." "So, what I'm wondering right about now is do you have any reaction to what I just said?" "Or more specifically, do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow?" "Maybe?" "I definitely need another drink." "No, wait." "I would have dinner with you, but I can't." "I can't have dinner." "What?" "Not the season?" "No, I can't have dinner with you because I'm with Helen." "You're gonna have dinner with Helen?" "No." "I'm with Helen." "As in "with" with?" "Right. "With" with." "l don't know what to say." "l don't either." "Jess?" "Yeah." "They're serving the first course." "Oh, great." "Right." "Excuse me. I'm sorry." "How are you?" "I'm good, thanks." "That's good." "Take these right now." "Oh, my God." "That's good." "We are done." "We have more." "l don't want to." "Come on." "I have to get them that." "Watch!" "He's gonna" "Oh, my God." "He's right there." "Oh, my God." "That doesn't matter." "It's for your heart." "For running, for movement." "A bit of whatever." "Amost there." "Almost there." "Almost there." "Come on, come on." "Time to go." "Come on." "Hey, wait!" "Sweetie, I'm exhausted." "I'm gonna hit the hay." "Thank you." "That must be a pretty good book." "lt is. lt's amazing, actually." "That's enough reading for one night." "Stop it." "I just want to finish this chapter." "It's really interesting." "Sorry." "Oh, fuck." "What?" "I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning." "Oh, I got it." "You did?" "Yeah." "Can't we talk about this?" "We've talked." "We talk all the time." "l know. lsn't it great?" "Of course." "Our talks are great." "Good communication is the key." "We never have sex." "Yes, we do." "What do you mean?" "We don't." "Yes, we do!" "When was the last time, sweetie?" "l gotta think about it." "A month ago." "Okay, but it was good." "Right?" "It was good." "Wasn't it good?" "You drank a bottle of wine." "l didn't." "That's not true." "l had maybe two" "What we have is a friendship!" "What do you mean?" "We're best friends." "l know, isn't it great?" "lt's great. lt just isn't enough." "l love you." "l love you too." "That isn't the issue." "What is the issue?" "l want somebody who wants me." "l want someone who craves me." "l crave you." "Someone who wants to rip my clothes off." "Why?" "Why can't it just be great and loving and tender?" "Why is that not enough for you?" "Don't you think maybe you place too much emphasis on sex?" "Maybe it's one component of a larger package?" "l want the whole package!" "l think we have it!" "We live together." "We're roommates!" "How can you say that to me?" "Hi, it's Jessica and Helen." "We're not home right now." "If you leave us a message, we'll definitely call you back." "Hello, it's Mom." "Dad got reservations for us at Nobu, and not at 5:30." "Can I just stick this on the board?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "You're an artist?" "Yeah." "Trying to be." "Thanks." "I might know somebody." "You know somebody who might be interested?" "Should I leave you one?" "Maybe I'll leave you three." "Well, I would really be grateful." "So, thanks for the...." "Jessica?" "Oh, my God!" "Hi!" "How are you?" "l'm good. I'm great." "How are you?" "l'm good." "God, it's been a really long time." "So how's--?" "l'm sorry." "No. I was just gonna say- l'm sorry." "You go ahead." "How's your writing coming?" "lt's glamorous." "Oh, right. I can see that." "How's the paper?" "l quit, actually." "Really?" "l left a few months after you did." "That's great." "Yeah. lt was really great." "So you're painting?" "Yes. I mean, not for cash, but yeah." "Well, who needs cash?" "l do." "Right." "Right." "How's Helen?" "Oh, she's good." "She's great." "We're not together anymore." "l'm sorry." "Thanks." "What happened?" "She dumped me." "That's bad. I'm sorry." "Thank you." "What are you gonna do?" "She wanted to be with somebody a little more...." "A little more?" "A little more gay, I guess, was the thing." "What are you gonna do, right?" "Yeah, what are you gonna do?" "But we're friends now." "That's good." "Yeah, it's very good." "Friends are good." "Friends are good." "Sweetie?" "Will you please turn that off?" "No, you turn it off." "You set it." "You gotta get up." "I do have to get up." "I turned it last time." "You do it." "l'll make the coffee." "All right." "Oh, my God." "You slept on my arm the entire night." "Oh, wait." "Good to see you." "lt was nice." "Same." "Okay, take care." "I'd love to get your" "New number." "Yeah." "You know what?" "It's all in this flyer." "My new number." "Actually my e-mail is best these days." "E-mail?" "Yeah, I succumbed." "E-mail is best." "Yeah, e-mail." "Okay, thanks." "l'll see you later." "Take care of yourself." "She's not here yet." "She ran into Josh Meyers." "That's why she's late." "I'll get the whole story." "Hey, sweetie!" "Hi!" "Jessica just got here. I gotta go." "Okay, I will." "Bye." "Laurie sends her love." "Thank you." "So, what did he say?" "I got really nervous." "Oh, my God." "l know, I know." "Right?" "[english]"