"All in all, it had been a strange few months for me and my friends." "My plan to raise our social standing had been a qualified success." "To be honest, if anything, we'd slipped down the social ladder." "Although I did now know the worst way to impress a girl." "Feisty one, you are." "Or kill a fish." "But the end was in sight." "The end of term, the end of year, and if I didn't pass my AS-levels, the end of my life." "But at least Simon wasn't feeling the pressure." " Hi Simon." " Huh?" "Oh, shit." "Revising hard?" " Oh." "Yeah." "Shit." " Are you OK?" "Sorry, bit wet." "Mum'll get it out, though, not to worry." "Sorry to disturb you, I wanted to ask a favour." " Yes." " You don't know what it is yet." "Sorry." "Go on." "Can I come over to yours and revise sociology with you?" "Yes." "God, yes." "Come over anytime." "Come over now." "Well, I can't come over now." " No, course not." " But this is really great of you." "It's so hard to revise at the moment because we've got the builders in." "Oh, right, is that a euphemism?" "Sorry?" "You know, like having the painters in." "Sorry, I don't really get it." "Oh, don't worry." "It wasn't that funny." " What did you mean?" " Come on, Simon, what does it mean?" "OK, just..."having the painters in" means being on your period, right?" "So when you said you couldn't concentrate cos you had the builders in, I thought that might be a euphemism for you being on your period." "Right." "OK, I see." "Wasn't that funny, really." "No, it's fine." "I get it." "See you tonight, then?" "Cool." "See you tonight." "You're going to that freak's house?" "So despite him behaving like a tool," "Carli was actually going round to Simon's and even stranger things were happening at Jay's." "No, Jay." "I'm not ready, sorry." "No, I'm sorry." "I don't want to rush things either." " Really?" " Yeah," "I'd hate for you to think I'm only after you for sex." "But just so you know, if you do want to touch me downstairs, then I'm totally fine with that." "I'm OK for now." "I'd better go, though - my mum's expecting me, and shouldn't you be revising?" "Maybe I should." "But when you're near me, Chloe, I can't think about anything else." "You're so sweet." "I'll walk you home." "Unless you want to..." "Um, no, thanks." "Yeah." "No." "Come on." "Unlike the others, my revision strategy went beyond trying to get into girls' knickers." "I was studying hard, and by hard, I mean doing literally anything to avoid revising." " No, Mum, I had a bath yesterday!" " All right?" " Oh, it's you." " Yeah." "What is all this shit?" "It's not shit." "The schedule alone took me two days to make." "Well, anyway, you'll never guess..." " Don't sit down." " What?" "Don't sit down." "Look, I only came round cos I've got the most amazing news." "Carli asked me, she asked me, if she can come round to my house to revise." "Amazing, yeah?" "Just have a look at this for me, will you, Simon?" " Sure, what is it?" " It's my revision schedule." "What am I looking for?" "Does it say anywhere, "Listen to Simon witter on" ""about his futile crush on Carli D'amato"?" "Don't be a dick." "We're mates and I wanted you to be the first..." " Goodbye." " I just wanted..." "Goodbye!" "Twat!" "Look Simon, I told..." "Neil?" " All right?" " Did you just see Simon?" "Nah, your mum let me in." "She's looking hot, if I may say." " You may not." " Oh, right." "Anyway, I need help revising." " What subjects do you do?" " What, now?" " Yes, now." " Tech and design and PE." "PE?" "!" "Yep." "And that's an actual AS-level at the school I now attend, is it?" "Oh, God, Neil!" "I don't know - go for a run or something." "Oh, yeah, I hadn't thought of that." "Nice one." "Neil jogged home." "And later that evening," "Simon had Carli where he'd always wanted her." "In his bedroom." "Unfortunately, she was fully clothed and discussing sociology." "And I suppose the big thing is that Parsons' description of the family is one of the traditional nuclear families, so that means that what he says might not be relevant for everyone." "Yeah." "You could be stronger on that." "It clearly doesn't mean that all his work on the family is invalid, but it's a pretty important qualification." "Right, course." "Do you wanna watch a DVD?" "Overall, was his theory evolutionary or revolutionary?" "Um, revolutionary." "Evolutionary." "Shit, I knew that." "Oh, Simon, I've just brought you some biscuits." "What do you think you're doing?" "You know you're not allowed in here." "All right, all right, I'm going." "Say hello to your mum for me, Carli." "Go away!" " God, she's a nightmare." " My mum's the same." "It's like when I split up with Tom, she was like always, like, hanging around when I was on the phone and stuff, trying to listen in." "Right, yeah." "Sorry, did you say you'd split up with Tom?" "I thought everyone knew." "Oh, yeah, course... they do." "He's a stupid lanky twat, isn't he?" "I don't really want to talk about it." "No, course." "I might put some music on." "Jay got me in to this." "Simon, do you mind if we do something different?" "Not at all, what were you thinking?" "Maybe we could watch that DVD..." "I'm really shitting myself about my last exam." "I know you don't do geography, but would you mind helping me out with it a bit?" " I'm finding it really hard." " Now?" "No, no problem at all." "My pleasure." "Thanks, so I thought we'd do longshore drift first." "Just..." "Just turn that off." "So, while Simon was cramming for an exam he wasn't sitting," "Neil had his own learning difficulties." " How's your revision going?" " Terrible." "I think I pulled a hamstring." "All right, benders?" "You miss me, then?" " Jay!" "All right, mate." " Where have you been?" "I've been busy." " Doing what?" " I've met a girl." "Oh, yeah?" "What's this one, a Russian lap dancer?" "No." "Her name's Chloe and she goes to Saint Claire's." "We met at the bus stop, just got chatting." "Did you fuck her behind the bus shelter, then?" " No, Neil." " Fingers?" " No." " Let's see a picture, then." "Yeah, of her strumming herself." "Neil, can you stop talking like that?" "Why?" "I've never felt like this about a bird before." "Chloe's special." "What, more special than them twins that only wanted anal?" "What?" "Them?" "Nah, yeah, nah, this is different, that was purely sexual." "Chloe's a real lady." "If she's real, you should have a photo." "There you go." "Hot stuff." "Oh, she seems nice, mate." "Yeah, she's good." "You've nicked that photo off some random girl's Facebook site." "I thought you were revising." "It's almost impossible with the amount of noise you idiots are making." "Look." "Here we are together." "I've got loads." "Hmm." "Doesn't prove anything." " And do you love her, then?" " Fuck off." " No denial, you fucking love her." " Shut up." "I thought I recognised her." "She pulled David Glover, didn't she?" "Don't be a tit, Neil, course she hasn't." " I think she has." " Look, one, she's not like that, and two, she doesn't know anyone from our school." " I'll ask." "Oi, David!" " What?" "Neil, don't." "Seriously, don't." "Please don't." "Oh, nothing." "Twat." "Honestly, Neil, she doesn't know anyone from our school." "Ask her yourself." "We're going down the Fox and Hounds after the last exam on Friday." "Come along." "And what, not get served?" "Nah, Chloe reckons she gets served there all the time." " Oh, and wear your wellies, Neil." " Why's that?" "Cos you'll be knee deep in grammar school clunge." "So, somehow, Jay had an actual non-fictional girlfriend." "But I wouldn't let it distract me from my new revision strategy." "Staring at books and praying something went in." "Hello." "Hello." "Sorry about the other night, it's just politics is really important to me and it's my last exam." "I didn't mean to be a dick." " You were a dick." " Fine." " Better get back to it." " Sure." "Why are you revising geography?" "You don't do geography." "They aren't letting you take an extra AS-level, are they?" "No, it's for Carli." "She just needs a bit of extra help." "So when are you revising for your own exams?" "You know, the ones in the next couple of days?" "I'm not really." "I can always resit." " How's your revision going?" " Yeah, not bad, pretty good." "Got an excellent schedule sorted, colour-coded, balancing my time well," " got some drinks to help, Pro Plus." " Right." "And nothing's fucking going in!" "Nothing." "I mean, look at this..." "I must have read about the Accountability of Legislatures to Citizens 50 times and I still don't know what it means." "I'm starting to doubt if "Legislatures" is even a word!" "It doesn't look like a word any more, none of them do." "They just look like squiggles on a page!" "I mean..." "Is this a word?" "Yes. "Council"." "Is it?" "It doesn't look right." "I think you probably need a bit more sleep, mate." "And maybe lay off the power drinks a bit?" "These are full of electrolytes, which, if they exist, are good for the brain." "Think of your stomach, though." "Even one of those drinks makes my shits come out too fast." "I'm just saying." "Like rusty water." "It was a novel revision tip, I'll give him that." "But when it came to advice, the real man to go to was Mr Cartwright." " All right, Dad?" " All right there." "Dad, can I ask your advice about something?" " What is it, woman trouble?" " Yeah, it is." "That little piece you were with the other day?" "Chloe, yeah." "There's this guy at school, right?" "So she's dumped you for this bloke?" "That's a lucky escape, I thought she was a fucking pig." "No, she hasn't dumped me, Dad." "I think I love her." "So you're back with the pig?" "Dad, we didn't split up, and please don't call her a pig." "It's just that I'm getting a bit jealous cos I think she might have seen a few more people than I have." "I'd say that's a given, innit?" "If she's got off with more than one person, she's beaten you hands down." "Look, mate, women are like fairground rides..." "Fucking mental." "Your only hope is that when she wants some, you do the best you can with your tiny equipment." "Oh, and check where she is the whole time, that's the only way you'll be totally sure she's not sucking off this other bloke." "Right." "Thanks, Dad." "Although, let's face it, she probably is." "Fancy a beer?" "Thanks for coming round, it's a really nice surprise." "S'all right." "Just wanted to be near you." "Check how and where you are." "Oh, that's sweet." "I'll just get this last bit done and then I'm all yours." "Cool." "Did you pull David Glover?" "What?" "David Glover, did you pull him?" " I don't know who that is." " It's just Neil said." " Oh, your friend Neil?" " Yeah, do you know him, too?" " No, it's just you mention him a lot." " Right, course." "Anyway, do you want to come round mine tomorrow?" " I can't." " Where you going?" " Well, nowhere." " So you'll be home, then?" "Yeah." "Shouldn't you be revising as well?" "Nah, I'm not allowed." "Teachers say cos I've got a photographic memory, it wouldn't be fair on the other kids." "If Jay's made-up memory skill was a bad revision plan, then Neil's topped it, sitting on his arse, playing computer games." "Oh, Neil!" "I really think you should be revising." "I am, this is football." "Well, what about your other subjects?" "What about tech and design?" " I put that shelf up, didn't up?" " Was that for your exam?" " Yeah." "Well, it was 50% of it." " Oh, Neil." "So whilst Neil wasn't revising for an exam he was taking," "Simon was revising for an exam he wasn't." "Perfect answer." "You're perfect." "At this." "God, I think I do know it." "Amazing." "You've done really, really well." "Honestly." "I couldn't have done it without you, thanks so much." "Wow." " It's late, I should go." " Oh, sure." "God, maybe I'll actually pass geography now." "Thanks again." "So he'd finally worn her down." "And Simon didn't know whether to come in his pants or text his friends." "In the end, he did both." "It was the day of my last exam and I'd just got in a good eight hours' revision." "Unfortunately, it was during the eight hours I should have been sleeping." "You're up early." "I thought the politics exam wasn't until this afternoon?" "It is, but this way I can get a full morning of revision in." "Better to be prepared." "Also I've not really been to bed, so what's early?" "I am worried about you, petal." "Have you had any breakfast?" " No, I'm a bit, you know, my stomach." " I do know." "Would it have killed you to wipe down the back of the toilet bowl?" "So, while the world was falling out of my arse, Simon was on top of it." " I can't believe she kissed me." " Calm down, it was only a kiss." "Come back to me when you're wanking over her arse as she frigs herself off." "It was two kisses, actually, and she's already told me she's coming to the Fox and Hounds tonight so I reckon there's more coming." " How's Chloe?" " Yeah, she's good." "I've not seen much of her cos she's revising, but I know where she's been, and I text her fifteen or sixteen times a day" " to keep in touch, y'know." " Good idea." "And send her Facebook messages and that." "Bebo, MySpace, just to let her know I'm thinking of her." " Like a stalker." " Fuck off!" "How's Count Spacula been getting on?" "Going mental, I think." "We'll probably see him when we finish, his last exam is straight after ours." "Good luck with your PE." "Yeah, don't forget your kit." "Oh, fuck!" "The moment had arrived." "The last exams." "Simon and Jay both knew they had sacrificed their chances of good grades for a shot at love." "A sweet, if remarkably short-sighted decision." "While Neil sacrificed his chances of keeping his balls in his boxer shorts." "But then, for them, it was all over bar one last bollocking from Gilbert." "I checked your texts and despite almost making me vomit, they obviously weren't about the exam." "Count yourself lucky." "I was texting a girl, sir." "Well, good luck with her, Cartwright." "All I can say is she can't be too keen cos it didn't buzz once." "Now piss off and let me get this final piece of hell over with." "Fuck me, it's Shaun Of The Dead!" "You look dreadful, mate, really tired." "Why do you think I'm drinking these energy drinks?" "They perk me up." "Have you washed?" "You can't revise in the shower, Jay, the books get wet!" "Well, do us a favour and have a shower before tonight, yeah?" " Seven at mine?" " You betcha." " Right, see you later." " Good luck, stinky." "It was the most important exam of my life and as I sat there, two thoughts occurred to me." "The first was, what's the point?" "Seriously?" "I mean, what is the point in being alive?" "And secondly, I really need a shit." " What is it now, McKenzie?" " Sir, I need to go to the toilet." " Again?" " Yes." " Well, you can't." " Sorry?" "That will be the fourth time in a hour." "You'll have to wait." "I'm pretty sure you can't do that, sir." "If I have reason to believe you're cheating, I can." "And I do, so I have." "Now get on with your paper." "Oh, God, no." "Phil!" "Phil!" "Oh, no." "Phil?" "Oh, Jesus." "I thought it was a fart, sir." "I thought it was safe." "In a term of low-points, this was it." "Literally the bottom." "Yet as I waddled to the toilet, I felt strangely optimistic." "Things couldn't get any worse." "Painful as it may seem, in a way, I was free." "Free to reinvent myself as whatever I wanted." "Right after I changed my underpants." "At least I still had my friends, who waited a whole ten minutes before going to the pub without me." "What do you think's happened to Will?" "He's not normally late." "He's normally irritatingly early." "I hope he's all right." "He's probably on the internet looking up the answers to the exam questions." " And then having a wank." " What?" "Well, it's impossible, innit?" "I don't think I've ever been on the internet and not ended up having a wank." "Do you think Chloe and Carli will get on?" "Sure, it'll be like a cool double date." " Ending with both of us getting some." " Maybe they'll lez off." "Neil, I've told you." "This is your last warning." " Do you think you'll get served here?" " Course." "I've got ID." " G'day." " What can I get you?" " Two jars of lager and a coke." " Stella all right?" "Er, yeah." "Cheers." " Fucking hell!" " Nice!" "The one time we get served and I'm driving." "Bollocks." "It'll be better to be sober when you see Carli." "I mean, Chloe prefers it." "You know what I used to be like with the old drink." "Erm, no?" " Hello!" " Fuck me!" "I thought you dressed like a twat normally, but even for you, that's shit." " Where have you been?" " Just finished my exam." " It started six hours ago." " I was a bit delayed." "You look mental." "Take your tie off at least." "Why are you wearing tracksuit bottoms?" "The tracksuit bottoms are from lost property, as are my new underpants," " which I won't show you." " And what's in that bag?" "Well, in there are the trousers and pants I wore to school this morning." "Are you doing a fashion show or something?" "It's a long story, Neil, but the salient facts are these... recently, I've had a bit of a nervy tummy, due to stress, I think." "And all the energy drinks and Pro Plus." "Perhaps." "And in the exam I took a risk and it backfired." "I went to fart and, instead, shit myself." " Are you joking?" " No, I'm not." " In front of everyone?" " Yep." "Oh, my God!" "Yes." "And because of my high heart rate, the school nurse spent three hours calming me down before I went back into an empty exam hall to finish." "Hence I am late." "Apologies." "How do you think you did?" "I think I might have failed, Neil." "I was a bit distracted." "Why didn't you go home and change?" "People will take the piss." "Just to reiterate, I loudly shit myself in front of the school." "There's no point trying to hide it." "Life doesn't get much more embarrassing than that." " This get-up's a fly in the ointment." " Have you gone mad?" "Possibly, hard to tell." "Drinks anyone?" "Now what could make this day worse?" "Oh, yeah." "Not getting served." " Good day." "A pint of lager, please." " Stella?" "Sorry, you may have misheard." "I said I'd like a pint of lager." " Yeah." "Stella?" " Yes." "Right." " Well, what if I want two pints?" " Two pints?" "There you go." "Well, what about this?" "He's gonna get drunk, I reckon." "Being dressed like that is weird enough, that bag's got his shitty clothes in it." "No-one brings a bag of shit to a pub." " Your dad does." " Does he?" "Yeah." "Your mum." "Brilliant" "That'll be £6.20, please." "Interesting." "I'll have another pint, then, please." " Hi, Jay." " Chloe!" "Darling!" " This is Neil and Simon." "This is Chloe." " Nice to meet you." " All right?" " Do you want a drink, babes?" "Actually, Jay, could we go and have a quick chat outside?" "Yeah, course." "I only want to be with you anyway." "I see these twats all the time." "Yeah, go on." "Muff before mates." " Just the two of us, then." " And Will." "Yeah." "Not sure he'll be joining us." "We'll still have a laugh, though." "Me and you." " Yeah, course." "Cheers, mate." " Cheers." "Nice idea." "This is much more private." "I've been wanting to kiss you for ages." "I've missed you so much." "No, Jay." " Listen, we need to talk." " Yeah, I know." "Yeah." "I love our talks, where you tell me about how you've fallen out with one of your mates and then how you've made up again later or something." "No, I mean, talk about us." "It's not you, it's me." "I just don't feel this is right any more." "What's not right?" "What, coming to the pub?" " We can leave, if you like." " No, Jay." "Me and you." "I just don't think it's right that we see each other any more." "I think you're a bit too sensitive for me." "No, I'm not." "I'm really not." " I promise you." " You are for me." "And you're a bit needy, and it's scared me, cos I'm not ready for that kind of thing." "All the texting, all the calls, it's too intense, it's too much." "Well..." "Well..." "I can change." "I'll change." "And..." "I won't call you for ages, for weeks." "Just..." "Tell me what you want me to be and I'll be exactly that." "I'll be exactly that." "Just please don't split up with me." "I'm sorry, Jay, I've made up my mind." "I hope we can be friends." " Right." "Yeah." "Course." " Cool." "Well, have a nice evening." "I'll see you later." "While Jay struggled to cope with his problems," "I'd found an excellent way to deal with mine." "This is fantastic." "No wonder so many people drink away their whole lives." " Barkeep, another pint, please." " Sure." "So while I gave my liver a kicking," "Simon and Neil were enjoying each other's company." " Why don't we go and..." " Hold on a second." " Carli!" " Hi, Simon." "Hi." "I've made you a CD." " Oh, right." "Thanks." " Oh, it's nothing." "Although the songs on there really do say a lot of the things" " that I want to say, but sort of better." " There's something I've got to tell you." "Oh, God, I know." "I feel it too." "I've always felt it for years" " and now it's happened and here we are." " I'm back with Tom." "You all right, Simon?" "Get us a seat, Carls." "I'll get the drinks in, yeah." "Oh, you're back with Tom." " Yes." " So that was what you wanted to say?" " Not that you love..." " I'm really sorry, Simon." " Want to join us for a drink?" " Nah..." "Better get back to Neil." " I left him on his own." " OK." "Maybe I should take that CD back as well, thinking about it." " Oh, can't I keep it?" " No, I've got to have it back." "That's a shame." "It looks really..." "Are those drawings of me?" " Not all of you." " Is that you?" "Erm... no..." "See ya!" "Goodbye, cruel pants." "All right, you big poof?" "Where's your bit, then?" "I thought you'd be out here up to your nuts in guts." "Nah." "I had to, er, I had to give her the boot." "Did you?" " I thought you were really into her?" " Nah." "She was, like, frigid." "And she wouldn't have this threesome even though I organised it with a top lezza model, and... my cock was too big for her!" "It's all right, mate." "It'll be OK." "Have you two been getting off with each other?"