"crowd:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "The "Roast Battle" crew has hit the road." "Moses, the one and only Wave, and yours truly are on a recon mission to find the best battlers in the country." "Tonight we hit the capital of the Dirty South" "Atlanta, Georgia." " I drove all the way from Chattanooga tonight to see the "Roast Battle."" "I'm pumped, man." "But first we're stopping in the Mile High City on the night after the presidential election" "Denver, Colorado." " So excited to see Jeff Ross tonight." "Obsessed with him." "Love Comedy Central." "Can't wait." " Awesome battles." " Fuck, yeah, for tonight." "And only the best of the best will make it to our four-night tournament on January 26th." " Make some noise for the Roastmaster General," "Jeffrey Ross!" "It's time to kill or be killed." "This is "Roast Battle II:" "The Regionals."" "What's up, Denver?" "How the hell are you?" "[cheers and applause]" "Fuck, yeah." "I love it here at the Comedy Works." "Give it up for Coach Tea, our DJ, everybody." "[cheers and applause] - â™ª C-C-C-Coach Tea" " Give it up for The Wave, everybody." "What's up?" "[cheers and applause]" "The battles are gonna be so, so brutal tonight." "Dreams will be shattered, everybody." "But don't worry." "The comics will be too stoned to know the difference." "[cheering]" "Had to come to Denver, because, you know, we wanted to give you guys a break from the yearlong election by watching people insult each other all night." "[cheers and applause]" "Yeah, I feel like we need to just fucking come together as a country right now." "I mean, like, I feel like civilization had a great run." "And now it's time to try something different." "I was actually in New York last night." "I got invited to Hillary Clinton's victory party." "Uh..." "It was like being at a wedding and the bride dies walking down the aisle." "We have two comedy experts here to judge tonight." "Give it up for my friends Moshe Kasher, Russell Peters." " We're here, Jeff." "We're here." " All right, Jeff." " Are you ready, Denver?" "Make some noise." "[cheers and applause]" "Give it up for my man, your referee," "Brian motherfucking Moses!" "[cheers and applause]" " Yo, who came to get verbally violent?" "[cheers and applause]" "These two are your very own." "They both grew up right here." "First lady I'm bringing to the stage is from Denver, Colorado." "She loves Krispy Kremes, but she's not fat." "Justine Marino!" "[cheers and applause]" "Yeah." "This cat from right here in Denver got married, so he moved to Las Vegas." "His parents died in a house fire, and that's the funniest thing on his rÃ©sumÃ©." "Folks..." "[laughter]" "Make it loud for Sam Tallent." "[cheers and applause]" "Yes." "You know Justine?" " Oh, yeah, I know Justine, yeah." "We're old friends." "We eat dinner together." " Yeah." " Aw, this is perfect." " Shouldn't you be chasing the Dukes of Hazzard somewhere?" "[laughter]" " Yo, Beast, Beauty, are we ready?" "[cheers and applause]" "Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Sam's last name is Tallent." "It was shortened at Ellis Island from Talentless Hack Unfuckable Garbage Monster." " Very good joke, Justine." "Who wrote it for you?" "Uh..." "You guys, Justine, very good friend of mine." "She--her most definite personality trait is carrying around a dog." "She carries a dog around with her." "That's right." "She's as interesting as a blind person." "Now, a lot of my friends have been asking me," ""Are you gonna do a joke about Justine fucking her dog?"" "And I said, "That--that's not believable." ""Justine would never fuck her dog." "Her dog cannot help her career."" "[crowd exclaims]" " Sam masturbates to the idea of being able to see his dick when he masturbates." "[crowd exclaims]" " You know, one thing I could never masturbate to-- your flat ass, Justine." "Now, Justine's ass, it looks like a pair of yarmulkes." "I just want to bend her over and break up weed on it." "You know what I'm saying?" " I'm so glad I don't have to body-shame Sam, since you guys can already see him." "Sam is what happens when a Nickelback song fucks a futon." " Ah!" "[air horn blows]" " Justine's relationship history reminds me of her namesake," "Dan Marino." "If she keeps playing with losers, she'll never get a ring." "[buzzer]" " Last joke!" " Speaking of rings, Sam is actually married." "Uh, his wife actually proposed to him, because the only time he's ever taken a knee was to get a better angle on the nacho-cheese dispenser at 7-Eleven." " I think we can all agree this has been a great roast, a fantastic roast." "This has been a bit of a bloodbath, I'd say, Justine." "And Justine knows bloodbaths." "She had a miscarriage in a hot tub." "[bell dinging]" " That's it!" "Justine, Sam!" "Noise, noise, noise, noise!" "Noise." "[cheers and applause]" " Really funny." "Both of you had great, great material." "I feel like this is the only time you two could be this close to each other in a club for this long without the bouncer coming over, saying, "Miss, are you okay?"" " It was a fun battle." "I did enjoy that, because I could sense the-- you knew each other from before." "I think I'm gonna have to go with Justine, but good battle." " Thank you." " You did have some killer jokes." "You took me on a journey, Sam." "Like, you said, "Yarmulke," and I was interested." "You mentioned Dan Marino." "I got confused." "Then you said you wouldn't jerk off to her." "I was like, "I love abstract comedy."" "It's not that you wouldn't." "It's that you have... for sure... tonight... with me." "You're both super funny." "That was, like, really super even." "I'll just Sam just so that Jeff can vote." " Break this tie, Jeffrey." " I will say the "miscarriage in a hot tub" joke," "I do think that's another level of joke writing that you don't hear very much." "It was so funny, and just by maybe one point," "I'm gonna give this to Sam." " Fuck, yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "[cheers and applause]" " Wow." "Sam Tallent wins!" "Hug each other." "Hug each other." "Hug each other." " I thought it was great." " I thought it was so fun." "The only problem I had was that Sam said I didn't have an ass, because I'm like, "Hi, hello," right?" "Killer rump." "If we got stranded on an island," "I would eat you from the belly button down." " That's all I wanted." "I'm fine, yep." " I'm really excited to beat up a black guy." "I'll finally make the front page of "WorldStar."" " [laughs]" " Who the fuck is this lesbian?" "[hip-hop music]" " First guy I'm bringing to the stage-- from Dallas, Texas, he's a sweet boy." "Keep it going for Jay Light." "[cheers and applause]" "Yes!" " Yes!" "What's up?" " Good to see you, Jay." "Jesus, you embody white privilege." " Yeah." "We're trending right now." " You are." "You're trending." "[laughter and applause]" "Your opponent is the polar opposite of you, and I love this dude." "From Atlanta, Georgia, you've seen him "Wild 'N Out" and "Last Comic Standing."" "Used to be a fireman." "Make it loud for Karlous Miller!" "[cheers and applause]" " Nobody knows this guy." "I would have to know somebody who knows him, and nobody knows him." "How can you prepare to-- What's his name?" " Jay Light." " Right, so you know him." "I should have asked you." "So this is as most prepared as I'm gonna be." " Hey, Karlous, this white boy's coming for you." "[clears throat] Excuse me." " Yeah!" "Yeah." "[laughs]" " Yeah!" " Wait, everybody take a look at how much cooler black people are than white people." " Hello." "[laughter]" " It's never been clearer ever." " Yeah." " The pimp verse the shrimp." " I'm really excited to beat up a black guy." "I'll finally make the front page of "WorldStar."" "crowd:" "Whoa!" " I don't know which one of these black dudes he gonna beat up." "What are you doing, man?" "You are setting black people back so far today." " No, black people did that themselves by not voting yesterday." "crowd:" "Oh!" " We just found out we're allowed to." "Anyway, let's get to this." "The 'burbs, the hood!" "Are we ready?" "[cheers and applause]" " Hold--hold up." " Let's roast!" "[bell dings]" " Who said I was from the hood?" " Uh, your hoodie said that." " You guys, Karlous is actually half hood and half bougie." "That's why he only drinks cold-pressed purple drank." "[laughter] [rock music] â™ª" " Jay, I hate you as much as you hate new shoes." "Those bitches you have on look like sweet potatoes." " [laughs]" " You do know sweet potatoes." " Yeah, exactly." "[elephant trumpeting]" " Hey." "Hey, hey, Jeff." "This is really hard to do with the embarrassing negro that you have jumping up." "This is probably some of the most embarrassing shit" "I have ever been a part of." " Dude, you're killing it, man." "You're killing it." " You blew Jeff Ross for nothing." "You've been on this show four times, and nobody knows you." "Like... [jet engine roaring]" " Oh, yeah." " [laughs]" " Karlous is actually light-skinned." "He just looks darker since he's stuck in Nick Cannon's shadow." "crowd:" "Oh!" "[gunshots]" " Jay, when you said that," "I sensed a little jealousy in your voice, because everybody knows Nick Cannon loves white boys, but he don't fuck with you." "I mean, hopefully, after sharing the stage with somebody of my caliber, your career will begin to go places other than, you know, in people's ass." " Yeah, maybe." " Last joke." " Karlous spells his name weird." "It goes K-a-r-l-u-o-child support." "[crowd exclaims]" " I usually take credit for my mistakes, but I wouldn't be on child support if your mama did what she said she was gonna do and swallowed your ass." "[gunshots]" "Jeff Ross, you are paying me double for this minstrel-show shit." " That's The Wave, Karlous." "That's our friends." "men:" "Whoa!" "[bell dinging]" " And that'll do it!" "Round two." "Karlous Miller, Jay Light, and that Wave." " Karlous, you seemed like you're not having fun the whole time, but you're killing it." " I did not know that it was gonna be a nigga with no shirt on jumping up." " Black comedy matters, Karlous." " [laughs] men:" "Whoa!" " Thank you, Wave." " Karlous, next time you're gonna do a TV show," "It'll give you all the information you need about it." " Who the fuck is this lesbian?" "Who" " Are you sure you know what "lesbian" means?" "It's not just "Jewish guy with glasses."" "You need to brush up on your Greek." " I don't even get half of this shit." " Karlous..." " I just hope the check is ready 'cause" " Karlous, we're on the same side, buddy." " I don't believe that for one second." " We're all with you." " Well, Karlous, you know, we got history." "But, unfortunately" " Yeah, we do have history." " Unfortunately, when I have some soup," "I need a cracker in it, so..." " I don't blame you." "You know, after one round of this shit, I'm good." "I'm good." "I am good." "I wanted to be on Comedy Central but not like this." "I'm trying to have a career after this." "I don't know what the fuck he's doing." " First of all, I don't know why you're talking about Jamar." "Nick Cannon always has his shirt off, Karlous." " No, but that's different." "White people have already accepted him." " It's true." "We have." " [laughs] Thank you, white people." " This was a very interesting battle for me, because, well, it was like a battle of joke writing versus naturally being funny." "In the end, I think maybe Jay eked it out just with joke-writing skills." " It's a clean sweep, Jeffrey." " It is true." " Make it official." " The Nick Cannon joke, I think, is when the battle really turned to you, Jay." "It was really, really fun." "Karlous, you're fucking hilarious." "I hope you had fun." " I didn't." " Great battle, Jay." "You win today." " Make it loud." "Jay Light!" "[cheers and applause] Hug each other!" " I thought it was a great battle." "I was really impressed with Karlous." "His improv skills were fantastic." "He was so great off the cuff." "My favorite joke is when he left right after the show ended and forgot some stuff and had to come back." "Great job, buddy." "Well done." "crowd:" "Battle!" "Battle!" " Make it loud for CJ Sullivan." "Nate Craig." "Oh, you guys look like two cops about to shoot me over a mixtape I'm selling." "[laughter]" " You look like a weatherman trying to do comedy, and the forecast is limited likeability and a 60% chance of rape." " CJ's actually married." "He married a woman that does the same thing his mom did-- pay his rent and walk in on him jerking off." "[laughter]" "Pew, pew, pew!" "[air horn blows]" " My favorite part was watching your shirt incrementally untuck itself." " Erin is sort of the high-waisted jeans of the Seattle comedy scene, not so much for a fashion thing, but just to manage that insane bush." " Bri, you look just like a Russian nesting doll, especially when you see how many dudes can fit inside of you." " There was a lot of sexual tension between these two up there." "You guys just better scissor and get it over with." "You know what I mean?" " This is Bri Pruett." "She wins!" " Nate Craig." "Make it loud!" "Hug each other." "[cheers and applause]" " You big-faced bastard." " Okay, would somebody get this fly out of here?" " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." " This next battle is another battle of friends." "This guy's from Denver." "You've seen him on "Conan."" "You've seen him on Comedy Central." "His favorite passions are the Denver Broncos, marijuana, you guys right now." "Noah Gardenswartz!" "[cheers and applause]" "This next guy is from Atlanta, Georgia." "He won the last season of "Last Comic Standing."" "Make it loud for Clayton English!" "[cheers and applause]" "Get that mic." "Noah!" "Clayton!" "Let's roast." "[bell dings]" " Clayton's last name is English, which is appropriate, because his teeth are fucked up and his comedy's overrated." "[laughter]" " Oh, you big-faced bastard." "When I first met Noah, he had gold teeth." "He had a pit bull." "He was drinking a double cup of Manischewitz." "I thought he was Paul Wall at first, but now he done turned into the dude that directed "Annie Hall."" "What the fuck happened, man?" "You are not the same dude I used to know." "Now you look like gentrification personified." "Get your ass out of here." "With a wave of the hand, that abandoned building is a Starbucks." " That's true." "I did have a gold teeth." "I was the Paul Wall to your Mike Jones, 'cause I had gold teeth, and when we said your name, people said, "Who?"" "[laughter and cheers]" " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Noah, you dressed like Garfield's owner right now." "You look like a create-a-character on a video game before you pick any settings." "You are the default player of the video game." "You look like they got a "30 for 30" about you as an Eastern European basketball player." " Last joke!" " It was a great "30 for 30."" " Oh, I wasn't sure." "Okay, last joke?" "Uh..." "See?" "I got that Eastern European coordination." "We're good." "Every black man in America should just tell the cops they're a Clayton English comedy special to make sure they'll never get shot." "[cheers and applause]" " Oh." " All yours, bro." " Noah." "Noah used to perform at black clubs a lot." "But back then, he had a different name, 'cause a lot of people don't know he majored in African-American studies at school." "His name was Shecky Shabazz, and he even had a catchphrase." "It was "Shecky, Shecky, quack, quack."" "[bell rings]" " Wow." " [laughs]" "That's it, everybody." " A shucky-ducky closer." " Yep." " Nobody's laughing, 'cause nobody knows the reference." " Only those us three got it." " Clayton, the irony is, you're wearing a Cosby sweater, but it's your jokes that put me to sleep." "crowd:" "Oh!" " Oh!" " Whoo!" " Oh, man." " Jeff Ross, the fetus face." "You like one of them Kewpie babies." "[laughter]" "Get your little greasy ass out here." " Hey, why didn't you do that when you were battling?" " Let's vote." " Okay, would somebody get this fly out of here?" " You look like the girl off "Stranger Things."" "[laughter]" "He gonna get pissed off." "His nose gonna start bleeding, and all the lights gonna start levitating." "[laughter]" " Noah, I thought you were so fucking funny." "I thought the joke-writing edge went to you." "But I actually thought it was even." "I was gonna say tie, and then-- What's your last name, Noah?" " Gardenswartz." " Oh, I like you." " Oh!" " No, I thought it was a tie." " As far as I'm concerned," "Gardenswartz beat the other schwartz." " More mildly racist humor." "Let's do it in the room." "I see where this Trump presidency has taken our country." " Uh, you want to do one more joke before you vote?" "[cheers and applause]" " Let's do it!" " One more joke for Noah, half a joke for Clayton." " Half a joke." "You sure not 3/5 of a joke?" "Can I get 3/5 of a joke?" " Clayton, stop!" "Clayton, stop!" " Please, Mr. Ross?" " Clayton, stop." "Let's roast!" " Okay." "Oh, man, what-- I don't even-- [people groan]" "It's really a wrap, man." "I don't know what else to say about you." "You got a Velcro beard." "You got a very fast face." "Your face looks like you should be very swift." "But you're not." "You got the haircut of a 14-year-old boy." " Noah, finish your buddy off." "Finish him off." " Making fun of my beard?" "Your beard looks like what happens when ISIS recruits at the unemployment office." "[exclamations and laughter]" " Oh!" "[applause]" " Awesome." "[bell dinging]" "Awesome." " Whoo!" " Fun ending." "But, Noah, I think you got this fair and square." "Congratulations." " Noah Gardenswartz!" "Hug each other!" "That was awesome." "[cheers and applause]" "It was good." " It went well." "I thought he was funny." "I hope he thought I was funny." "We had a good time." " It was all right." "No, just playing." " I was about to say." "Maybe he was insulted." " No, yeah, I am." "But it's all right." "I'm gonna go home and count my money." " Damn, she's like a fucking super genius." " I can't make my wife come." " Definitely the vicious battle of the night." " Let's do it." "This is perfect." "It's another battle of the sexes." "This lady's from Detroit." "You've seen her on Oxygen's "Funny Girls."" "Everybody make it loud for Nicole AimÃ©e Schreiber!" "[cheers and applause]" " Hello, hello." " Hi, Nicole." " Hi, Moses." " From Seattle, Washington, you've seen him on Comedy Central and "Conan."" "This is Andy Haynes." "[cheers and applause] [rock music]" "Let's roast!" "[bell dings]" " Nicole used to be a competitive skier." "That's why she's so good at taking double blacks." "[groans and laughter]" " Uh, Andy was molested as a young schoolboy." "He graduated top of his class and bottom of his teacher." "[groans and applause]" " It was my babysitter, and at least I got something out of a hookup." " Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!" " Nicole fucked the booker at the Comedy Store, and the only thing she got on the wall was her face pressed against it." "[crowd exclaims]" " I'm so sorry." " Andy looks like a slave owner who would be really bummed if his slaves didn't want to hang out with him." "[laughter]" " That's not how slaves work." "They don't have a choice." " Whoa!" " Last joke." " You guys, Nicole's actually pretty excited about the Trump win, because when he starts deporting illegal immigrants, she'll get more shifts at the Costco she passes samples out at." " Andy just hates Costco 'cause his ex-wife was fucking guys in bulk." "[laughter]" "Andy and his ex-wife had an open marriage." "That's a hipster term for, "I can't make my wife come."" "[laughter] [glass shatters]" " That'll do it, everybody." "That's the last battle of the night." "Make it loud!" "Nicole." "Andy." "[cheers and applause]" "Whoo!" " Whoo!" " A lot of dirty laundry aired in this one." " Definitely the vicious battle of the night." "Give it up for these two." " Yeah." "[cheers and applause]" " So funny." " That was great." "Andy is super funny." "I think--he's my homey, and his standup is so funny, but I thought you cleaned him out, Nicole." "I thought you took him all the way." "Yeah, no doubt, yeah." "Sorry." "I mean, it was funny." "Both of them were funny." "Some good jokes-- double blacks was really funny." "But I thought that, Nicole, every one was-- it was that fire, and I'm not just saying that as another Jew." "I'm saying that as a fan of you." " Love Jew." "Love Jew." " Although it does not help that Andy looks like what Hitler jerked off to." " My first credit." "[laughter]" " That was a good-- I enjoyed that battle." "Andy, I appreciate that you're wearing the white-guy starter kit." " Yeah." " [laughs]" " I liked Nicole in this one, Andy." " I get it." " I did like your meanness and everything, but, you know, she counterpunched on one of your jokes, on the Costco joke, and that was like, "Whoa, what the fuck?"" "That was it right there." " No, that was great." "As a comic, I realized, like," ""Oh, she must have really worked at Costco at some point to have had such a quick"" "'Cause I was like, "Damn, she's a fucking super genius if she didn't work at a Costco."" " I work at a Costco." " Currently, yeah." " Currently." " Currently." " That was a great callback, Nicole." "I could see how hard you worked on this." "Andy." " Yeah." " You seem like you're gonna fucking take out a gun and kill us all." " No, no." "I talk about my ex-wife fucking guys onstage already." " Andy just looks like that." " Yeah." "[laughter]" "I'm very low on the spectrum." " I know you're a great "Roast Battle" fan, Andy." "You're a super-funny comic, and thank you for doing this." " Thanks, man." " But I do think Nicole" "I got her an almost perfect score tonight." "So you owned him tonight." " Yeah!" " Congratulations." " Yo, winner of the last battle of the night, funny girl Nicole AimÃ©e!" "[cheers and applause] Hug each other!" " She was just solid." "She had great jokes all around, and I got--I got nervous, you know." "I'm not used to being around women, so..." " Yo." " I'm not used to being around vegans." " [laughs]" " Hey, Brian." " Yo." " I want to say sincerely, like" "I don't know if you can tell by the way that I look and dress" "I didn't vote for Donald Trump yesterday." "It's been tough for me-- tough, tough." "But this is the first time I laughed since the election last night, and it really made me feel good to be here with all of you guys." "Thank you, Jeff." " Love you guys." " Coach Tea, The Wave, Comedy Central." "Thank you, everybody." " Love you all!" "[cheers and applause]" "Up next, our search for the best battlers in the country continues..." " What the fuck is up, Atlanta?" "As "Roast Battle" takes over the Dirty South." " I'm so jacked up right now." "Let's do this!" "crowd:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" " Everybody, welcome to the stage the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross!" "[cheers and applause]" " What the fuck is up, Atlanta?" "[cheers and applause]" "This is a fun town to do comedy in, because you people have a very sort of strange thing." "Like, Atlanta, Georgia, you have finishing schools, so they learn how to say, "Bless your heart,"" "instead of, "Fuck you, asshole."" "[laughter]" "One of the biggest sitcoms on TV right now is called "The Carmichael Show."" "One of the stars is right here with us again." "Lil Rel!" "[cheers and applause]" "Why do you love roast battles so much?" " I like to hear people talk about people." "I like-- [laughter]" " Another thing that's so cool about Atlanta-- one of the best, most popular TV shows on the planet," ""The Walking Dead," shoots here." "One of the stars is one of our judges tonight." "Josh McDermitt." "Hi, Josh." " What's up?" "What's up?" " Now, I feel like we can roast your mullet for the entire show." " That's why I'm here." "That's why I'm here." " And I know you started doing comedy a long time ago with Fortune, right?" "Fortune Feimster, everybody." " Hi." " Hi, Fortune." "[cheers and applause]" " We're not related." "It looks like we're related." " It looks like" " We're just fat." " [laughs]" " Josh, you're in full roast mode right now." " I'm so jacked up right now." "Let's do this!" "[cheers and applause]" "Let's roast, motherfucker!" "And welcome our referee," "Brian motherfucking Moses!" "[cheers and applause]" " ATL, ready for our first battle?" "[cheers and applause]" "Beautiful." "First person I'm bringing to the stage, she's from Texas." "She was on last season's "Roast Battle."" "Make it loud for Kath Barbadoro." "Oh!" "[cheers and applause]" " Wow." " This next lady, she's opened for Joe Rogan all across the country." "She's also Puerto Rican." "Make it loud for Kim Congdon." "[cheers and applause]" "[Latin music]" "Perfect." "Thank you for that culturally appropriate music, Coach." "â™ª C-C-Coach Tea" " Kim, why did you dress like Lil Rel?" "[laughter]" " Kim, you're battling Kath." "Size her up." " I mean, she already sized herself up." "crowd:" "Oh!" " Shots fired." " Yeah." "[gunshots]" " Whoo!" "Let's get to it." "Kath, build that wall!" "Are we ready?" "[laughter and cheers]" "Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " You know, Kim is a really fitting name for my opponent." "She has the body of Kardashian and the face of Jong-un." "[scattered laughter and booing] [buzzer]" " Kath is a big girl." "She doesn't have diabetes, but she could lose a foot..." "around her waist." " Kim is very ethnically ambiguous." "I can't totally tell what race she is, but I do know it's one of the ones I hate." "If I had to guess, I'd pick wetback, 'cause God knows, with that mug, dudes can only fuck her from behind." "[crowd exclaims]" " Okay, Rebel-Flag Wilson." "[crowd exclaims]" "Kath looks like she farts when she comes." "[laughter and applause]" " Last joke." " Not only is Kim a whore, she's also from Florida." "So she was actually very well acquainted with the taste of old Jewish dick before she met Jeff Ross." "[crowd exclaims] [air horn toots rhythmically] [air horn toots rapidly]" " Kath is shaped like a Dell... computer." " And that'll do it!" "Kim Congdon." "Kath Barbadoro." "Make it loud!" "[cheers and applause]" " So funny." "You both had great comebacks, too." "Not just great jokes, but great comebacks, and I think you genuinely have disdain for each other." " Man, this one's hard." "You both had, like, killer ones." "Jeff's dick-- we all love it." " Yes, we do." " Yeah, that was my favorite." "Fucking the fart-- I don't even like fart jokes, and I loved that fart joke because it hit home, you know?" " [laughs]" " Hit home." "I've been there." "The "a Dell" joke--shit!" "I'm at a dead tie." "Let me--Push." " You know, Kath, I thought the first joke was great." "I just felt like the payoff could've been better." "I mean, this is Atlanta." "People don't give a shit about Korea." "You know?" "[laughter]" "It was great all around, but I would have to give this round to Kim." "[cheers and applause]" " Thank you, McMullet." "Go ahead, Lil Rel." " Hey, you know what's dope about this is that, like, from watching the first season," "Mike Lawrence had this style of, like, before he got to hisjokejoke, he hit you with something real quick, and I liked that both of you did that." "But, man, Kim brought it, yo." "And it's not the overalls." "I don't want nobody to think she got her overalls-- like, I like simple jokes." "Like the "a Dell" joke is-- is amazing." "I got to give it to Kim." " All right." " Kath, you fucking killed it tonight, but I did score it 3 for Kim." "So, Kim, I'm gonna give this one to you." " Make it loud for Kimberly Congdon!" "Hug each other!" "[cheers and applause]" " Since we didn't know each other," "I think that, like, we both went just for, like, the most obvious thing that the crowd could see." " Right, and so, like, the audience could tell that Kim is a whore, so it worked out great." "[both laugh]" " Can I give you head so I can win?" " I don't have a dick." " Who's ready to see a white-privilege battle?" "[cheers and applause]" "Let's roast!" "[hip-hop music]" " This is a battle of white skin verse dark skin-- a battle as old as time." "[laughs]" "First lady I'm bringing to the stage, born and raised in Cincinnati, lives in Los Angeles now," "Candice Thompson!" "[cheers and applause]" "Jasmin Leigh, she was born in Roosevelt, New York, and then she moved to Tallahassee, Florida, the even dirtier South!" "Everybody, Jasmin Leigh." "[cheers and applause]" "Oh!" " Moses, this is like BeyoncÃ© verse the chick who drives her tour bus." " And, Fortune, Jasmin here is a little bisexual." " Congratulations." " Can I give you head so I can win?" " What?" "Me?" " Yeah." " I don't have a dick." " Do you know how this works..." " Millennials." " Jasmin?" " She's new at it." " She's a new lesbian." " She's-- [laughter]" "She's like, "You got a dick, right?"" " You have a dick in your drawer, if you're not wearing it right now." " Oh, yeah, you can do whatever you want to that." "[laughter]" " I have an erection." "All right, uh..." "Dark skin!" "Light skin!" "Are we ready?" " Race war." " Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Candice is still single because she hasn't found a dude to fuck her as good as her dad did." " Jasmin, what happened?" "You look like someone buried Left Eye in Pet Sematary." "[wild laughter]" " Candice doesn't spend a lot of time in writers' rooms because they always call it an Uber that same night." "[whistle, buzzer]" " Candice doesn't spend a lot of time in writers' rooms because they always call her an Uber home that same night." " Oh, home." "Got it." " Saying it twice doesn't make it a joke." "[punch thuds]" "Jasmin, you have some serious bags under your eyes." "I'm assuming you must be really tired from looking for your father." " Last joke." " Candice is part Cherokee." "Her pussy tribal name is" ""Can-dicks, she who is dry and alone."" "[silly whistle sounding]" " Jasmin's bio says she's taking the comedy world by storm, which is ironic 'cause she looks like a crackhead that drowned in Hurricane Katrina." "[laughter] [regal music] â™ª" " [laughing] That'll do it, everybody." "Jasmin Leigh." "Candice Thompson." "We roasted." " The two of you reminded me of, like, young moms that are gonna, like, one day get in a fight at Chuck E. Cheese." "Candice's Left Eye joke killed me." "RIP, RIP." "Hurricane Katrina killed" "Even though we'll hang out later." "[laughter]" " Girl." " I got to give it to Candice." "I got to give it to Candice." " Jasmin, you came out hot with your first joke." "It was brutal, hilarious, exactly what I want to see, but Candice took it from there." "I mean, she came back and just destroyed it." "I give this one to Candice." "[cheers and applause]" " I'm from the West Side of Chicago, grew up roasting and the meanest stuff, like, stuff that'd make you tear up a little bit, but you don't want to do it in front of nobody." "That's the type of roasting I like." "I got to give it to Candice." "Candice, you brought it." "You killed it." "Jas, you were funny, too, but Candice-- she kept bringing it." "So good job." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Candice, you fucking murdered tonight." "You deserve a big win." "Congrats." " Thank you." "[cheers and applause]" " Just like in the black community, light-skinned wins!" "Make it loud for Candice Thompson!" "Hug each other." "[cheers and applause]" " I definitely want a rematch." "I don't think I'll be able to, like, sleep for real good enough until I get a rematch from her." " [laughs evilly] Challenge accepted." " I'm coming for you." "crowd:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" " Ladies and gentlemen, Erik Bergstrom." "Make it loud for Jacob Williams." "Let's roast!" "[bell dings]" " [chuckles] Erik survived cancer, but not all of his family was supportive during that." "I'm not sure who abandoned you quicker-- your white-trash dad or your white blood cells." "[laughter]" " Jacob, you look like Bill Gates fucked C-3PO." "You look like Garrison Keillor fucked C-3PO." "You look like Edward Snowden got a job at Target... and then fucked C-3PO." "[robotic beeping]" " That was awful." "[laughter]" "It was like a contest of who could be least awful, and that in itself I found very entertaining." " We have to pick a winner or what?" "I mean..." "I would say it's a tie for "no."" "[laughter] crowd:" "Battle!" " Perfect!" "Last battle of the evening!" "First lady I'm bringing to the stage, she's from Indianapolis, Indiana" "Megan Gailey." "[cheers and applause] [electronic music] â™ª" "Interesting." "Megan." "Everybody, ready for this next guy?" "I don't know what just happened in here." "He's from Huntsville, Alabama, then went to high school here in Atlanta." "He was on last season's "Roast Battle."" "And he's known Megan for a long time, so he's really ready to get this stuff off his chest." "Are we ready to meet Sean White?" "[cheers and applause]" " We've actually been friends, online anyways, for about eight years now." " I think he thinks we're friends." "We are not." "I'm actually kind of nervous because I have everything to lose and he has nothing, and that makes him a very terrifying opponent." " Oh, I'm gonna beat the fuck out of her." " Sean, you just moved to LA, but you're from the South." "So how does it feel to be back home?" " It feels great, man." "I can actually let my accent out and get good service, instead of being called an idiot." "It's fantastic." " I think this is exciting for Sean to be this close to a woman he doesn't have bound and gagged, so..." " This is gonna be good." " This is gonna be vicious." "I can feel it." " Let's do it." "Sean, Megan, let's roast!" "[bell dings]" " Megan likes to make fun of white men a lot, which is weird 'cause she wouldn't even be here without Daddy's money, Conan's TV show, and George Carlin's jokes." "[buzzer]" " Okay." "Uh..." "Sean has a face for radio and a voice for drying pussy." "That voice is so fucking terrible," "I bet it wakes up the women you roofie." "[laughter]" " I'd rather have that than be so boring that I have to vicariously live through my dad's alcoholism." " Yeah, I mean, my family is full of drunks, but at least I don't have to use a Ouija board to communicate with them." "[crowd groans] [organ playing]" " Last joke, last joke." " Megan's a dumb, rich, white sorority girl." "She couldn't get more basic unless she didn't come with HBO." "[whistle, buzzer] [laughs]" " Sean claims that women have paid him for sex." "Ransoms don't count, Sean." "crowd:" "Oh!" "[laughter] [siren wailing] [bell dinging]" " Hey, that's the match, everybody." "[cheers and applause]" "Yes!" "Sean White." "Megan Gailey." " I thought you guys were both funny for different reasons." "Megan, you had the jokes-- very funny." "Sean, I mean, your voice just makes me laugh really hard." " Your mullet does the same, man." " Thank you." "You have a very funny persona, and that's not a dig on you." "That's actually a compliment." "I think you're a very funny person, but I think tonight Megan took it with the jokes." " Thank you." " Megan's up one." "Lil Rel, who you think?" "Who you like?" " Well, Sean, like, it's crazy, 'cause you are funny, but I don't know what the fuck you just did." "It was..." " That's the thing about roast jokes." "You don't know how they work till you do them." " Nah, man." "[laughter]" "But Megan was really funny, and she brought it." "I give it to Megan, man." "And, Sean, all right." "[laughs]" " [laughs]" " I know Sean's very funny." "I've seen him before." "I was expecting some really big ones, and they just weren't coming." "So, yeah, I think Megan, for sure, had a couple really, really big jokes, so I give it to Megan." " Thank you." " You know, Sean, I hope you keep battling." "I think you need to" " I'm not gonna quit because I had one bad goddamn match." "It's fine." "[cheers and applause]" " That's right." " That's what it's all about." "Megan, congratulations." "You really outdid yourself tonight." "Great job against a very formidable opponent." " This is ladies' night." "This lady won." "Megan Gailey!" "Hug each other." "Hug each other." "Hug each other." " I think his best joke was being wasted." " Am I wasted?" "What's the highest sophistication of any of your jokes?" "Realistically, do you actually have any thought into any of it?" " I mean, I think I let the roast end when it ended." " You showed me the piece of paper making fun of my mom for being fat, and you've never met her, never seen her, and she's dead, and she's not fat." "You made up facts that make no sense." "You're the one who went low, and I'm the one that went high." "You have everything handed to you by your father." "You cannot say anything, 'cause you are full of shit." " Great." " Fortune, thank you again." "You judged in Austin last tournament." "You came here this time." ""Roast Battle" regular Lil Rel-- great to have you back, man." "You love "Roast Battle," dude." " I'm addicted to it now." " Josh, did you have fun tonight?" " This was great." "All my dreams have come true." "[laughter]" " Thank you for being a great crowd, everybody." "[cheers and applause] Love you guys." " We love you, ATL." "Coach, get us out of here!" "crowd:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" " On the next "Roast Battle,"" "The Regionals end where it all began" "Los Angeles." "Back home in the Belly Room, baby." "The best in the West go mic-to-mic." " Alex is so ugly, when he goes to a glory hole, the guy on the other side wants to just be friends." " That was hard as fuck, dude." " And we reveal which roasters advance to our four-night tournament in Hollywood." "It's "Roast Battle II:" "The Regionals."" "crowd:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "crowd:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "[cheers and applause]" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!"