"I have always been my worst enemy" "Oh, my god, you are so late" "Hudson Milbank." "God, you're so late." "Even on the most important day on my career" "I felt overwhelmed, but in certainty of what I have" "I wasn't the same person anymore" "I was now living in some kind of horrific perpetual dream state" "Yet somewhat still able to interact without anyone knowing is going through emotions, unautomatic" "I'm afraid I will never get out of this" "My life views were simple" "One, I just wanted to be a happy person with happy thoughts" "Two, we were all a simple action away from complete disaster" "you should slow down" "But I didn't want to slow down" "I just want to stop my recent thoughts constant worry and never ending anxiety" "Little did I know inhaling a harmless joint 12 times in 12 minutes could unhinge already volnurable brain and send it into the bottom of abyss" "Jesus Christ" "Jesus" "You just smoked too much" "You'll be OK" "From that point onward I would suffer from a symptom so frightening that it would consume every minute of every hour of every day" "The official name was depersonalization" "No matter what I did, it wouldn't go away" "So what was it exactly?" "Depersonaliztion disorder, in brief, involves the persistent or a current experience of feeling detached as if one was an outside observer of one's mental processes or body" "The sense that the external world was unreal is strange" "Like living in some hellish dream like state" "In layman's terms, I was fucked" "Can you hear that?" "Yes, I did." "Is that bad?" "Put your arms to your side" "Now touch your nose with your forefingers" "Now you can open your eyes." "You are fine that's impossible" "I never joke about the head, son." "My finger hit my nostril, did you catch that?" "It was close enough" "But what about the nothing's real part?" "Perhaps you should see a psychiatrist, or something?" "I also live substentially below my means" "Not what I was cheap, I was just terrified that things get so bad that I wouldn't be able to function" "So I opened up my checkbook and found myself in the office of a westside psychiatrist who's specilaized in dealing with creative types on the verge of losing their minds" "Have you ever heard the word dysphoric?" "I knew it, I somehow gone crazy that's psychotic." "Dysphoric is when you just don't feel right in your own skin wait a minute." "Say that again over the next week, I couldn't stop talking about that word" "It means I don't feel comfortable in my own skin" "Tom was my writing partner for 7 years we complemented each other perfectly" "he considered himself the writer of the team i was just the hostler even in my state, i could sell better that he could so how is the attachment thing?" "you could jam this fork into my eye socket right now and i wouldn't feel it but you are gonna be ok for the p. next week?" "I am suffering here now, but this isn't important what if i hadn't smoked the pot?" "we have to sell something" "I mean, i don't even touch drugs in high school" "See, when we're in the room, you are always the guy so, between now and then, i am gonna really need you to put down that pork i could have just taken one or two hits like a normal person" "I smoked the whole thing it's not the pot, i smoked the pot every day in my life and i never stirred a cutlery do you have a turkey burger?" "Alright, alright what about the shrink?" "Is he good?" "He went to harvard it's getting better now it's great." "What's he said?" "he thinks it might be a good idea for my self-esteem if we switched the order of our names on every other screenplay he's an asshole, a Harvard asshole" "Also I watched the golf channel for 23 hours yesterday why golf?" "i don't know." "I find it comforting." "It's green." "People are whispering" "so you are not getting out at all look, i think this is something a little bit more than just being uncomfortable in my own skin what do i do?" "Tell me what to do" "Hudson, it's important that you socialize even if you have to force yourself" "i read it on the pamphlet from the national mental association that after 12 weeks of psycho therapies, if you are not better, seek another therapist i was on week 14 with Dr. Townsend" "But we became more like friends." "So i didn't mind" "So the s, that's for Scott, right?" "yes, can i call you that?" "No." "one way to survive the endless time between therapy sessions was to distract myself at the longest running movies ever made" "these are due back Thursday what if i watch them all tonight ok" "Dr. Townsend" "Woh, I can't believe I bump into you." "How are you?" "fine i was just at the video store" "hey" "well, i guess i will go home and wait for our next appoitment." "It's tomorrow, right?" "fine" "patient" "the one thing that Townsend did give me was Climesipan the directions read take as needed, which for me was monday to friday and weekends one blue pill was the equivalent to three domestic beers two pills cut my feelings of hopelessness by a third" "more was needed if you were, say, rejected by a shrink even trusted your life to" "I adore this sedation, but there is one drawback sexual disfunction it got so bad." "The average sexual act did nothing for me i had to find the most extreme 20 seconds of footage and played it over and over until it did the trick" "despite the restaruant, i decided to give Dr. Townsend another shot after all, he was out with friends and that had nothing to do with this dedication to me within our sessions" "go on i guess this is boring you" "excuse me£¿ you kind of fell asleep there no you were snoring i was listening because last night, i was in the bath, i figured out that i already spent 2650 $ on sessions and i still feel crazier than i ever did" "so if you were snoring i think you are making this bigger than it needs to be, Hudson you'd also think those kind of prices if we ran into each other at the restaruant you could acknowledge me as something more than patient" "perhaps we should talk about this perhaps obviously you are upset i think i am a little upset because i rely on you you are my touchstone to mental health and i think we have kind of bond fuck me" "intense exercise was my next course of action i read that if you could raise your endorphins high enough they could somehow alter your brain chemistry" "i found a class packed with lesbians not by choice, but still it was strangely comforting" "after 30 minutes, i thought something might actually be happening but it was wishful psychosemetic false alarm my legs might as well have been attached to one of the lesbians" "i didn't know where else to turn i haven't been home for 5 years maybe some family reconnection was what i needed to snap me back in normal" "what is this space in the sport it's anxiety, that is all it is" "oh my godness sport?" "I desperately wanted my dad's help but he was the king of problematic thinking i got the same kind of advise to all my worries do you think it was the pot?" "I mean, why did i have to smoke so much£¿ just pull up your socks, you will be ok" "i thought of reaching out to my older brother Stain who i worshiped since i was a kid" "i am busy can i at least get a glass of water before i ride back i'm in the mid of a writing session, there is a gas station on the corner" "sport?" "I can't breathe what is it?" "He says he can't breathe for Godness's sake." "Stop acting like a child" "i think that's enought sport" "re-connecting wasn't the answer." "I had to get back to LA, somehow heal by self" "ok got to get you dressed, got a meeting in 30" "what do you think, jeans and t-shirt today?" "i'm dying here alright, then i'll drive" "i have to sleep how about this shirt?" "Look at this oh my god, kidding me?" "i can't, i can't do this of course you can." "The shirt goes on top, watch this move pants, big surprise to everyone, go on the bottom right?" "We've got leg crossed, leg crossed the pant where are the shoes?" "Got to have shoes." "You know why?" "Cause we're going outside that's right, you are handsome man, i am gonna wait in the car, we got to get this job, buddy" "so how are you doing now" "but that's better than in the car, right?" "can't you just fight this until after the meeting?" "no." "I think i can manage it ok, that's all i need" "he's ready for you" "sorry i am late" "fuck" "for some reason, just looking at her jolted me into a state of awareness embanked the job at hand so would you like the 50 m $ version or the 100 m $ version" "that girl is an angel what?" "Who?" "the development girl no, please god no" "remember the last kid, the copy girl, the flower, the rain, obsessing of her zeal we didn't work for a year after that well there is somehting different about this girl" "alright, maybe there is there is something very different about this girl" "it's also something very different about the money coming in." "Ok?" "hello, is Hudson there?" "yes, who is this?" "Sara Harrison." "who?" "i was in executive UMI office today, sitting next to my boss yes, hi, this is him." "i hope it's ok i'm calling. - yes, sure, of course" "i was wondering if you want to get together you and me?" "When?" "just an ordinary everyday spoon, you've seen it a thousand times just an ordinary piece of kitchen cutlery, see?" "very impressive, where'd it go?" "that's magic" "that's a stupid trick, really." "you know, i've seen you before at a party a couple of weeks ago you were sitting on a couch by youself and this dog came up to you you fed it up with potato chip." "you looked really lonely no, that's just the way that i appear when i am really enjoying myself you seemed really anxious to leave." "I did?" "there's so fucking noticeables about you sorry, sweet." "i cuss when i get excited about things that's ok" "my god, she was so fantastic and by dessert, things loosened up when she started talking about her last relationship so he took a gun out of his glove compartment and blew his brain out all over his Porche" "in front of his ex-wife but she was obviously attraced to unstable guys which was perfect" "what's your biggest fear?" "i have two the first is when i am spontenously insane" "the second is something happening to my father like him dying" "i really wish we wouldn't say it you are afraid of the word?" "ya, for some reason i think the saying it might make it happen it won't" "death, death, death, die, die, see, nothing right, but you are saying it." "And nothing's gonna happen when you're saying that's where my mind works i figured it out the other day that life expectancy for male is 72 years that's 25000 days and you sleep a third of that." "So that's just 16000 days say you spend half of that time trying to figure out what you want to do with your life." "That's another 8000 days now i am 36, so that leaves me only 4311 days left if i don't get sick or hit by a bus or something you are an unusual person" "my father is a physicist, he teaches stream theory that's interesting" "shall i come in?" "oh, i would" "what's the deal with him?" "he likes me really?" "he leaves cds on my car... people always look at the numbers changing" "i think it's because they are nervous" "so what'd you think this sounds good seriously it's the worst playing of any musical instrumental i've ever heard really, you should throw that thing into the fire place" "where did you get all of this stuff?" "what is that?" "turtle i broke its head off." "I was watching the basketball video my fucking teamd didn't win, so i threw remote control of the tv in it and this i can see that, you are insanely cute" "you think i am cute" "i kind of think i have a big head well, at least you have a chin look at this, straignt line from my chin to my neck, it's like a chineck" "i think that one of my ears is bigger than the other i don't see that" "Liars go to hell ya, i see that" "you really have no chin well, you kind of look like a lion you kind of look like an owl, an owl without a chin" "i have to go" "where?" "i have an appointment tomorrow i have something i forgot" "did i fuck this up?" "i'm gonna call you, so be ready for that" "you do kind of look like an owl" "so you really like this girl?" "how is that?" "it was the worst unbowling i've ever seen in my entire life i think you should take the ball and throw it into my fire place" "over the next a few days, she was able to drag me outside during the day luckily we did the things almost just comforting as the golf channel nights were the worst for me, so i convinced her to stay in and watch the extended version of" "Lawrence of Arabia, Bridge on the River Kwai, and the right stuff which we thought wise she seemed perfectly fine at this rate i could stay in my comfort zone indefinitely" "i think we should go out tonight" "i though we are going to watch the Star Wars Trilogy with the commentory i know watching the Star Wars Trilogy with the commentory is fine but i was thinking maybe we could do something different" "so even though the Millennium Falcon was the oldest plane it ended up saving home, though" "ya, it did" "i am thinking of getting a new car, by the way really?" "Why?" "i just don't want you to think i'd like driving something 10 years old a lot of people in LA don't have insurance." "So they don't care if they crash in you you don't have to impress me, Hudson" "and i am looking at Homes" "let's go there" "you ok?" "Ya." "You?" "Ya" "it's impressive" "i think you should give her $5" "i only have a 20 i'll pay you back" "you should wash your hands" "i am gonna get some hand-sanitizers" "what if there aren't locks and stores open twenty." "do you steal a lot?" "what stealing?" "The pen no, i paid for that don't lie." "Fucking hate that why do you do it?" "i don't know." "Yeah, you do" "maybe it gives me a sense of control." "i can't date somebody does that it's only small stuff." "Doesn't matter, it's not right i know." "Do you?" "yes, and it will absolutely not happen again you just saying that to get off the hook" "you returned it?" "like it never happened" "thank you, Hudson no, thank you." "Stealing is bad, i don't want to be bad" "you do realize that we haven't had sex, yeah?" "yes, i am aware of that" "will you take me back to your place?" "mine?" "it's kind of like a skil lodge" "you rent this place i do pay a monthly fee" "what the fuck was that?" "no, you are ok." "It's just the family squarrel Steve can i get you anything?" "what you got?" "i have pasta i don't have any sause, but would you like me to make you some pasta?" "that's really sweet, the way you just say it so, how about some bottled water?" "ok, here is the deal with that i don't really keep the bottled water in the house cause i believe there is the scam." "See, tap water has undergo much stringent testing for bacteria tap's good" "Hudson, what are you looking for in a relationship?" "basically somebody you can stand it being with me, i guess" "you?" "i want to know that if my limbs fall off, we'd still be together no matter what" "and when he says my name, it sounds different in his mouth you know you get safe there" "or i put on perfume, he puts on Cologne, and we go out, we could smell each other he gives you smile when you are tired" "that's a big one" "and you tell them something you are scared to tell them because you are afraid they are gonna make them stop loving you, but when you tell them, you are surprised because actually it makes them love you more" "or, you tell them that you love their shirt and they end up wearing it every day a greatest example." "This is my grandparents my grandma's already had arthratis in her hand and she cant bend down and paint her toes so my grandfather does it for her" "all the time even though he has arthratis in his hands too" "so do you like the place?" "i like you" "what are you doing?" "you can't sleep?" "you want to turn on the tv?" "how many girls could fall asleep to the greater heart for open maybe a lot, but this was the first one i've ever met" "i never want to see you back here, never again." "You understand?" "i couldn't hide my condition from her forever if i had any chance with Sara, i had to speed up my recovery so i went with another doctor specilized in a big word" "(psychopharmacology) which meant fuck talking, take drugs so Dr. Richmond, here is the thing" "i have met and, i think, fall in love with this the most beautiful, incredible, weird woman on the face of the planet" "she's so pretty she thinks she's a big head, but she doesn't and last night, we consummated our relationship, which is to say that i had sex." "We had sex and it should've felt really good but i was so focused on..cing the pen i stole which she saw me steal, but i told her i'd returned it but i didn't return it." "I just stole another pen so all that was flying through my brain when i was supposed to." "so fucking, help, fuck, help" "on a crowded elevator, do you stand at the back or the front?" "what?" "on a crowded elevator, do you step at the back or the front?" "back." "Front" "although sometimes i found myself looking up at the numbers cause i get nervous do you have ever had voices coming from your television set?" "that our part of the show?" "No." "i think we will begin with divalproic sodium what's an divalproic sodium?" "technically, an antipsychotic." "psychotic?" "I'm psychotic?" "no because i feel psychotic, sometimes the fact you are asking the question proves that you are not then why am i taking psychotic medication?" "because in small doses, it can be quite helpful with mood which i think is contributing to your problem but i thought that's why i am on chlorazipan" "somone from Harvard prescribed them?" "yes, idiots." "you stop that immediately." "is this gonna help with my depersonalization?" "that's what we're gonna find out well, what about the side effects?" "nothing's to be concerned about" "have you taken any anti-psychotic before?" "no, i am not psychotic i already asked if i am a psychotic and apparently they've proven it that i am not psychotic i'm taking it for depersonalization" "are you awared of the side efffects?" "i was told there is nothing to be concernted about allergation, constipation, dry eyes, dry nose, dry mouth, difficulty in urinating" "nothing's to be concerned about" "tardive dyskinesia." "A permanent twitching of the facial muscles" "fuck my alternatives were slim permanent spaciness or rare-inreversible facial twitching" "where've you been?" "what?" "Here i've been calling you, and calling what time is it?" "it's almost 4" "i fell asleep i fell asleep in the bathroom" "Hudson, what's going on?" "nothing" "Huston, tell me what's going on?" "nothing." "i want to know" "the technical term for it is depersonalization but i cann't explain it to you what that is because you don't have it can you please try?" "it's like when i feel anxious, which is all the time my relationship with the reality is all screwed up" "i look at my hand, and it just doesn't feel" "like now, i see your lips moving, and I hear you talking but it just doesn't feel real to me i don't feel real to you?" "this all started with the pot you think it's the pot?" "no, i don't think pot can do that, baby." "yeah, i don't want to tell you because i didn't think you'd want to be with me have you seen anybody about this?" "i've seem almost everybody about this what did they say?" "they give me pills, but i don't think i am taking the right ones because they just make me feel worse" "do you ever feel better?" "4:45am and for the next 20 minutes, the only time in this city's day when it is completely deserted" "i feel that we are the last people on earth i wish it was like this all the time" "you can't live like this sometimes i wish i didn't" "i don't think you understand what he's going through i'm afraid for him" "let me put your mind at ease people who talk about killing themselves very rarely carried out" "oh, really?" "because i dated a guy who talked about it all the time and then he blew his fucking brains out" "Hudson, you don't mind, i'd like to speak to Sara alone for some minutes" "what i'm interested in is why you're here." "because i care about him why?" "because he does stupid magic tricks" "because he cant pick you and fall in love with" "i would never let a girl go to my shrink you should've seen her she was amazing, she completely defended me." "She really put them into her place she knows too much about you now so?" "now just a big concern that she'd use it againt me for what?" "like a control card whenver she wants, boom, she's got that" "no, Sara would never do that" "you know what?" "Ok!" "she sounds great you want to get some more done for a few hours?" "yeah, i can do that after the first round of individual drug trouse failed" "Dr. Richmond decided to bombard all my neural transmitters at once so we combined...everything" "it was like musical drugs on the Amusic stopped." "I couldn't get a chance" "I becamed numbed for labels" "I just wanna a relief good luck with this one, Hudson" "Thanks, Ric." "we have to turn it off so, one more tournament" "How is your reality system now?" "let's get married" "you serious?" "Hudson, marriage is a mother-fucker load of responsibility i know" "and a lot of work i know" "you are not ready to get married yes, i am" "and i want kids, you know, some day you think you can do that?" "yes." "You don't?" "i didn't say that, i just think that maybe right now is not a good time to be talking about marriage when you're going through this thing you can say it, fucked up, stayed up either." "Nobody seems to have a clue when to do it but i think you're gonna walk yourself through it what if i don't?" "you will" "but, what if i dont?" "what if this is what i'm gonna be for the rest of my life but i don't think that's the case you just need to stop being so... what?" "negative" "yeah negative." "Well, i'm sorry if the rest of the world was born with perfect brain synapsis walking around la la land, and i can't tell this fucking flower is real" "if you are just waiting around for me to get better, this is it this is it" "tom was right" "In the best of words, all i could bring her was unending grief and the need for constant reassurance that i wouldn't lose my mind" "it would only be a matter of time before she couldn't take it any more self sabatosh the best thing in my life?" "of course, i would" "ready?" "what?" "you told me you won't do this again i didn't stop it stop what?" "i know what you were trying to do, please dont." "what am i trying to do?" "you promised look, this is me." "Alright, it's just me you look like a shit you wanna end this?" "you think you are so irre-fucking-deemable?" "then end it come on, tell me it's over" "but you have to say it she didn't do anything." "I did this, i fucked this up, me!" "ok, just go and apologize she deserves a normal person, not some clipped omenia freak" "ask her to marry him what you need now is a different kind of woman why?" "So i can just play this shit out again there she is, attractive, clearly a different woman just go over and talk" "i can't look at me." "i am your best friend" "just go and talk, no proposals." "Do not mention the golf channel." "Just talk ok she's on the move, maybe your move now do it!" "she's going to the bathroom perfect, go, go" "you'r not gonna believe this she's a doctor, she specializes in cognitive behaviorism that's incredible and she is hot" "cognative behaviorism, the deal was you can change the way you felt by altering your negative thinking will it work?" "I hightly doubted it, but my god, she was qualified ten year professor at UCLA, a Master in psychology from stanford another from Cambridge." "Published book on anxiety, articles on precitigous medical journals exactly what i needed when you say i hate myself for blowing it with the women in my dreams that's an example of magnification a better way to express your would-be" "at the monent, I am disappointed that we are no longer together but many relationships don't work out what can i do to change my behavior next time are you married?" "now the area we will work on is labeling" "right, but is there a Mr. Dr. Blain?" "i don't think that is really important to your treatment" "where are you from?" "we are not here just to talk about me" "Ok." "But it's Texas, right?" "Arkansas." "OK?" "unlike most therapists, who would never think of leaving the comfortable offices," "Dr. Blain actually took her patients into the field i can't" "there is absolutely no connection between saying a word and the health of your father because it will lower your anxiety and help you get better" "alright, give me a second" "you can do this, Hudson" "Death" "it worked." "He's ok, he's trimming the hedges see?" "has any patient ever asked you out before?" "it happens did you ever say yes?" "no, never how about dinner with me?" "i don't think so because we have a professional relationship?" "exactly what if i stop seeing you i don't think that will be wise right, but what's the rule on that kind of thing you are very sweet, Hudson." "But my only concern is that you get better is that why you blushed back there?" "as a way to recovery, Dr. Blain thought it a good idea to email me cognitive exercises like practices etc sessions first assigment, monitor my daily negative thoughts" "Hudson, it's Dr. Blain." "Are you busy?" "no, i am just doing little cognitive homework good, the reason i am calling is that i found a very interesing article on cortisol levels i think it may be of some help you may want to take a look at it" "really?" "it's like i have it with me now yes, absolutely it explains how high cortisol levels increase the trenolyn which could have a numb feeling of depersonalization interesting" "so i'll do some more reading over the weekend hope it didn't make you drive too far no, my shack is only about 5 minutes away shack?" "I'm sure it's not a shack" "my god, it is a shack ya, it is the only place i feel even close to ok" "almost like an sancturary i am so sorry this is happening to you thanks it's not fair thank you" "and i did blush i knew it" "i just think theraputically it's important to bring it out in the open i do find you very charming, attractive, and funny but thing is they are." "Nothing can even happen on that level i'm sorry" "the door... thanks" "bullshit she said it's the first time she'd sex in 7 years bullshit it was like having a wounded animal on top of me that is so wrong what would i do?" "isn't it obvious?" "try to see her without having to pay" "it is absolutely my fault." "Inexcusable i want you to know that i have spoken to a colleague to find someone to take over your sessions who can make me say death?" "there is no other way here." "I could lose my license i can't see another therapist, it has to be you" "Hudson, a terrible line has been crossed can't we just forget about what happened?" "you could do that?" "yes." "the first time was exciting, now having her ride all over me, i realized that i was letting her use me so i could use her so she worked harder making me better i'd become a cognitive whore" "so, is it this prune juice then the death, is it the tread effect?" "seriously you still banning the shrink?" "i am afraid to break it off she is doing over sexual research while canceling her appointments with other patients" "Woo, this has to get bad." "Hudson?" "I think we should have some lunch what do I do?" "Have lunch." "i thought it would be safer to say what i am about to say in public obviously, something¡®s happened to my emotions my behavior has been... fuck off!" "unacceptable that can happen no, it cant did you witness my tone with the waiter just then?" "i did catch that it has to stop, Hudson." "Us, we, this." "i agree i was up all night analyzing my actions, breeding myself" "i go to sleep that way every night, so thank you for saying that." "Sure i suppose i have spent some many years listening to other people's feelings that i've neglected my own it's all coming out now here in the restaruant in front of all these people" "which is something i have to deal with, and i will deal with i feel so much better" "god, even my hunger is back the tuna looks good" "it's not good, i love you, Hudson what?" "i love you" "i am so sorry, i didn't mean to raise my voice that like i though you were dealing with it i am, it's just i cannot get you out of my mind sure you can, look at me, i am a mess, you don't want that" "i am flattered that you think have these feelings no i don't think i have them" "15 years of cognitive training i might just know a little something about the feelings" "god, what is wrong with me." "I'am acting like an insame person." "will u forgive me?" "Yes i think we should go." "sure i will just ask one question can we wait until we get out of the restaruant?" "no, you need to know now do you think under different circumstances you will feel the same way about me?" "i think you need to calm down calm down?" "I think i know how i am and i certainly know how you are" "i love you!" "run!" "it just occured to me i haven't even met your family so how'd it go with the therapist?" "Mr. MilBenk?" "This is the office of professor Paula Simon, Mountainside school of medicine." "We received your enquiry regarding your depersonalization study" "A spot has become available." "Please contact us at your convenience." "Dr. Paula Simon was the only doctor in North American researching depersonalization specifically but i was determined to get through the four day intensive no matter what plus it would be a relief to finally meet depersonalized people as i was beginning to think i was the only one" "where are the others?" "others?" "other crazy test patients, like me just you this weekend, sweetheart i will draw your blood for every hour only hour for 72 hours" "you're kidding that's funny, everyone says that" "You'll see Dr. Simon on Sunday i am the most selfish person in the world i blew the best thing that could happen to me because i was afraid" "i'll see you in an hour count backward from 2004 in groups of 7, if you make mistake, begin again." "1997. 1990." "have any of you guys ever slept with a patient?" "all my attension should have been at the tests at hand but for the first time, i wasn't thinking of my condition at all it was just Sara" "you have depersonalization disorder" "well, i know that." "How do i get rid of it?" "we don't know at this time well, you have to, there is a great girl involved here i've heard what about the pot?" "triggered was it all wierd there it probably would have happened eventually but not definitely based on our current research, there was more than likely prerequisitory position there so what do i do?" "there are medications i've taken them all and therapies i've done them then i suggest you try to accept it you suggest i try to accept it i do know of an excellent cognitive haviorist in UCLA who's been proven helpful" "4.2 feet cubic of space back here." "You won't find that in a Mercedez's i'll take it very bright and airy beautiful backyard stunning hearts with floors." "A very pretty yard i'll take it" "Tim, where is she?" "she's gone what?" "she left with some guy where?" "which airline?" "Delta" "you'll be towed" "hold on just a second" "Hudson, what are you doing here?" "don't do this." "This guy cant make you swear the way i can go home home to what?" "you are the only one i can be self with you are the only one i can be comfortable with i bought you a new house, a new car, and i am getting a smaller tv" "Hudson, it's not about house, or car, or tv ok, how about this?" "I love you don't say that you can save me, but you won't even try" "let's go" "can we talk?" "i'm busy" "Our dad just died and you are doing business on the phone?" "it's nothing, it's just my brother, go ahead you won't get off the phone" "what the hell is wrong with you?" "Hudson, what are you doing?" "nothing" "what happened with you and brother?" "doesn't matter that's what he said he wont be downstairs with the others" "you stop that." "Would you stop that?" "god damn it" "what is wrong with you?" "why have you always been so angry at me?" "are you kidding?" "you know they say the first 3 years of a child's life is the most essential i am just curious." "Were you bouncing me on my head during that time?" "i'd really love to know how i turned out this way well, it wasn't easy for me either" "Hudson, do you have any idea what a self boy you were?" "i was a kid." "Kids are supposed to be selfish" "Ok, fine." "I was a terrible mother." "Is that what you want to hear?" "yeah, that's what i want to hear" "I always avoid children" "I thought that you and I were the most alike" "Well that's certainly true maybe i wasn't as nurturing as i should have been" "that must have been very hard for you to say" "my theory was simple the smoking marojana triggered my problem." "smoking even more would reverse it shocking my synapsis back to normal there's no science behind this just gutsy feeling out of sheer desperation was i scared?" "Absolutely would it work?" "It had to" "i needed a quick fix of mani." "And snap me back in resemblance of reality hell, i deserved it and i knew just the remedy" "what are you staring at?" "better to keep a low key around here" "so what did you do?" "shoplifted a pair of Air Source good shoes" "what did you do?" "nothing and they don't like that" "it's gonna be ok no, it's not i miss Sara" "i don't think i can be a writer anymore and i am completely alone" "do i look familiar to you?" "i have passed you and your dog outside the grocery store 100 times 100 times, and i never gave you anything i know" "look, i will wait here with you" "Maybe Dr. Simon was right" "Maybe I had a predisposition all long the pot was the just an easy excuse to pin it on maybe it was just me i was my problem" "maybe my dad had it right just pull up my socks and get it out my own way" "i am here to tell you i love you even though i know you're gonna say "yes." "So?" i still love you" "ok see u" "Hudson, i think you are making a big mistake we need to have a session to discuss you ending your sessions this is your brain chemistry talking there is new medication coming out all the time" "this your first time?" "i will wait with you" "oh my god, you are so late" "Hudson Milbenk." "God, you are so late" "sorry i'm late no problem" "we understand that you came by in the room and my partner is very excited about that so excited that we worked really hard for the last a couple of weeks to come up with something great for you to hear today" "well, that's not true he's been working really work so he's the writer." "He's a really good writer you know i think what i'm good at is bullshiting all of you guys that's just not that enough for me to be good at anymore so i'm gonna go" "yeah, i'm gonna go." "Tom will take this for you i will put your name first" "how are you?" "i am good how are you?" "i am good." "I am better i am not gonna be normal" "I'm still more comfortable at 4:45am at the corner of Insure and Woodmen" "look i don't want to hold you up i just want you to know that even if she lost all your limbs, we'd still be together forever" "i mean i really hope that doesn't happen because i think your limbs are pretty rein" "and when i said your name, it would always sound safe" "i am not sure about the perfume, the cologne thing but i can try you know, i can pick some up" "i will try to make you smile when you are tired i know you think that's really hard to do but i think i could do that" "and you'd never have to be scared to tell me anything and if you like this shirt i won't take it off for months" "and i'd be more than willing to paint your grandmother's toe so that your grandfather doesn't have to do it anymore" "You don't have to save me, Sara but i am gonna love you for the rest of my life so things will be a lot better for me if you are around"