"(SINGING)Augustus J. McCann" "You expected a spectacular, huh?" "(SINGING) --was hen-pecked married man." "The spectacular comes later." "(SINGING)He has been fighting with his wife since married life began." "Look, if I wasn't allowed to sing I wouldn't be here." "(SINGING)One night at half-past three" "I've got thousands of these songs." "(SINGING)--while out upon a spree" "Wait 'til you hear them time the leave so they won't fall down." "(SINGING)--up and down and out and nearly broke his knee." "One guy looked down and said, I think this bloke is dead." "But one he said, let's take him home." "McCann jumped up." "Instead he hollered, don't take me home." "Oh-h-h please don't take me home." "Oh, tell me what did I do to you?" "Oh, oh, oh, oh." "Have a little pity." "I'm a poor, married man." "In search of peace I roam." "I'm with you most anything you do so please don't take me." "I'm not going." "You can't make me." "Yes, I'm staying." "Oh, please, please, don't take me home." "[APPLAUSE]" "EMCEE:" "Mercury Startime, TV's finest hour, proudly presents George Burns in "The Big Time."" "EMCEE:" "Starring Jack Benny." "[APPLAUSE]" "EMCEE:" "Eddie Cantor." "[APPLAUSE]" "EMCEE:" "George Jessel." "[APPLAUSE]" "EMCEE:" "Bobby Darin." "[APPLAUSE]" "EMCEE:" "Next, the added attraction, The Kingston Trio." "[APPLAUSE]" "EMCEE:" "Jeff Alexander and his orchestra." "[APPLAUSE]" "EMCEE:" "And the beautiful Burns Girls." "[APPLAUSE]" "[MUSIC" " JEFF ALEXANDER ORCHESTRA," ""GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY"]" "[APPLAUSE]" "EMCEE:" "And here he is, the star of our show, George Burns!" "[APPLAUSE]" "You know" " You know that song I opened the show with," ""Don't Take Me Home," is 55 years old and I've been singing it all that time." "It's bound to be a hit." "[LAUGHTER]" "I love to sing." "I'd rather sing than eat." "Very often I had to make that choice." "[LAUGHTER]" "I don't know what's so unusual about liking to sing." "It seems every time I mention it somebody starts to laugh." "Come to think of it, they don't start to laugh until I start to sing." "[LAUGHTER]" "I won't say I'm the world's greatest." "There are plenty of fellows better than I am." "There's Sinatra." "There's Como." "That's about it." "[LAUGHTER]" "I can't help it." "It's something that's deep inside of me that just has to come out." "My friends know the way I feel because they all say, a bad something like that inside of them, they'd want it out, too." "[APPLAUSE]" "I've been singing all my life." "I started when I was eight years old." "I sang with three kids, The Pee-Wee Quartet." "There was me, Mortsy and Heshy Weinberger Mortsy was seven and Heshy was six." "And then there was one kid, Toda Mitchell." "He was five years old." "He sang bass." "And he handled the business for the act." "Oh, we let him do that because it worked out so well for us." "You see when Toda divided up the coins that the people threw at us, being a baby he kept the big ones" "[LAUGHTER]" "the nickels and the pennies and gave us the dimes." "[LAUGHTER]" "This was great until one day somebody threw us a quarter." "[APPLAUSE]" "We had to explain the facts of life to him." "[LAUGHTER] When Toda was six, his mother made him quit show business and go to school, and we had to change the name of our act." "And, uh, there was a store on the eastside called Applebaum Suits for Boys." "[LAUGHTER]" "We went in to see Mister Applebaum." "We told him that if he'd give us a suit for free, each one of us, we would call ourselves the Applebaum Trio." "[LAUGHTER]" "Applebaum said, let me hear you boys sing." "He heard us and after he heard us, he said, um, I'll give you each a suit if you don't use my name." "[LAUGHTER]" "And, and, and, and the funny-- the funny thing is I could" "I needed that suit." "I came from a very big family." "There were-- there were twelve of us children, uh, seven sisters and five brothers and we were very close." "We had to be; we lived in three rooms." "[LAUGHTER]" "We weren't the poorest people on the block." "There were people that were poorer, but they hadn't come to America yet." "[LAUGHTER]" "[APPLAUSE]" "In fact, everybody on the block was poor, except one family, Ruthie Riley's family." "You know that they were so rich that in-- on hot nights her father used to sleep on the fire escape in Chinese pajamas." "[LAUGHTER]" "You should have seen the 12 of us sleeping on a fire escape." "Looked like an open trolley car during rush hour." "[LAUGHTER]" "And, and, and, and my father-- my father had very little time for us." "He worked day and night trying to make a few dollars." "All he thought about was the garment business." "Somebody asked him how many children he had, he used to say, seven skirts and five pairs of pants." "[LAUGHTER]" "Never forget when I was seven years old, put me on his lap and he said, son, it's time we got to know each other better." "What's your name?" "[LAUGHTER]" "But my mother was very sharp." "You couldn't put anything over on her." "When I was 16, I did and act with two other fellows called Goldie, Fields and Glide." "My name was Glide." "[LAUGHTER] And we couldn't get a job, but we had a deal with an umbrella store." "Every time it rained, we would take a bunch of umbrellas and we'd stand in front of theaters and sell them for $1 a piece." "And we used to get $0.50 for every umbrella we sold." "I came home with $5 and I said to my mother" " I said, made it to show business." "[LAUGHTER]" "One week the trio was a riot." "It rained for seven days." "[LAUGHTER]" "I walked into the house with $35, put it on the table and says, Momma, show business couldn't be better." "She says, I know." "You even sold our umbrella." "[LAUGHTER]" "Yeah, the one thing about-- Oh, my, in those days, in those days, I tried to have a very good personality." "I was working on my personality." "So when I'd ride home at night in the subway, I'd sit there and smile at the people." "[LAUGHTER]" "After the first stop, I had the car all to myself." "[LAUGHTER]" "The trio stayed together for six years and we finally got into the money." "Umbrellas went up to $2." "[LAUGHTER]" "And now I'd like to introduce two gentlemen who really played the big-time and they're the greatest." "I'm very happy to have them on the show." "They're going to do part of their act that they did at The Palace at the time they broke the record they had." "My two very dear friends, Eddie Cantor and Georgie Jessel." "[APPLAUSE]" "(SINGING)Pals, pals, we'll always be pals." "(SINGING)What you do is OK with me." "(SINGING)Pals, pals, just regular pals." "(SINGING)What you do suits me to a T." "(SINGING)I haven't a brother." "(SINGING)I haven't a son." "(SINGING)But you've been more than a brother." "(SINGING)You're just like a son." "(SINGING)And we'll sing 'til our days are done that we'll be pals, pals, pals." "[APPLAUSE]" "Eddie?" "All through our act, you've done nothing but talk about Ida and your daughters and your family." "Yeah." "Now I know that's nice, but Eddie this isn't something that you invented you know." "No." "Other people have families and daughters, too." "Yeah." "You've got no patent on this thing." "[LAUGHTER]" "I guess you're right, Georgie." "Now that I have mentioned my family, do me a favor Georgie." "What is that?" "Please don't sing about your mother's eyes." "He's just so worried about her eyes, take her once to an optician, get her a pair of glasses." "[LAUGHTER]" "And stop with that terrible song." "Flat yet" "Now, hear." "Don't you say that to me." "I think it's about time that we stop kidding each other." "The audience knows, everybody knows how fond we are of each other, particularly me for you." "You've been my idol, since I was a little boy." "Not only have you been an inspiration," "[LAUGHTER]" "Not only have you been an inspiration to me but to all, a lot of other younger fellows." "[LAUGHTER]" "Younger fellows?" "[LAUGHTER]" "Look, boy, nobody has been happier with your success than I. I can recall the night I saw you in your dramatic show" ""The Jazz Singer" on Broadway." "What a performance." "When the curtain fell and the audience cheered you," "Georgie, I sat in my seat and I cried." "I really cried." "You did, Eddie?" "Yes." "I was in tears." "I cried to think that such a untalented guy like you had such a great part and I was sitting in the audience unemployed." "[LAUGHTER]" "Now you don't mean that, because as I say we've been friends for a long time." "Do you remember the year that we met?" "No, Georgie, I think you have a better memory." "What, uh" "Well I'll tell you exactly, it was the year 1910, 1910 at the new Brighton Theater near Coney Island in New York." "Oh, gosh, figure that's been-- that's been a long time." "Yes it has." "And that's why I hate to bring this up when our act is almost over." "But do you or do you not owe me $200?" "[LAUGHTER]" "I do." "Do you or do you not intend to give me the $200?" "I don't." "[LAUGHTER]" "You ask an honest question, you get a dishonest answer." "[LAUGHTER]" "Eddie, you have no right to con me for money in front of an audience." "Besides, don't you trust me for $200?" "You want the truth?" "Yes." "The truth?" "No." "[LAUGHTER]" "Because I've always looked upon you as a true friend." "George, do me a favor." "Make me an enemy and give me the few dollars." "Listen, I think you're serious." "You actually need this money?" "Yes, Georgie." "And here is why-- here is why" "[LAUGHTER]" "Well, I'm deeply touched." "And here is why I can't pay you." "[LAUGHTER]" "But I tell you what I'll do." "I'll write you out a check for the whole business and we'll forget about it." "George, don't bother." "The last time you gave me a check it came back marked insufficient funds." "Insufficient funds?" "$200, insuffi-- what bank was it?" "The First National." "That's crazy." "A big bank like that, they haven't got $200?" "[LAUGHTER]" "They've got it." "You haven't got it." "You've got nothing." "All right, then get the money from them." "Yeah, but they don't owe me the money." "[LAUGHTER]" "You don't know what you're doing." "Yeah-- What do you mean?" "You are lending money to the wrong people, see?" "[LAUGHTER]" "(SINGING)And we'll sing 'til our days are done that we'll be pals, pals, pals." "[APPLAUSE]" "Aren't they great?" "And if you want to see a great car, here's the new 1960 Mercury." "Well, Cantor and Jessel were breaking records at The Palace but I was still struggling." "I was doing an act with a fellow, Jimmy Cook." "The name of the act was Cook and Harris." "My name was Harris." "[LAUGHTER]" "I had a different name every week." "I could never get a job with the same name twice." "[LAUGHTER] We did a singing act." "Jimmy Cook had a fair voice but he was a great yodeler and he'd sing a song by himself in the act." "Before he'd hit the last eight bars, he would yodel." "(SINGING)Go to sleep my baby, my baby, my baby who" "And he would fool around with the top note and stay up there and make it pretty." "And the yodel was a riot." "And no matter what song he'd sing, he'd always put in the yodel whether it would fit or not." "We played The Follies at Folly Theater in Brooklyn." "And he was singing a war song, "I" "Didn't Raise My Boy to Be a Soldier."" "And before he got to the last eight bars, he put in "Go To Sleep, My Baby."" "And as he got to the yodel, the lights would go our and this white spotlight would stay on." "The spotlight would get smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller, and as he would hit the top note the spotlight would just cover his face." "Well, at the Folly Theater as he hit the top note, a fist came into the spotlight and hit him in the nose." "[LAUGHTER]" "From then on, we worked with full lights up." "[LAUGHTER]" "Jimmy wasn't hurt much." "I just did his breathing for two weeks." "[LAUGHTER]" "Now I'd like to introduce three young fellows who were a sensation overnight, The Kingston Trio." "They, uh, they opened at The Hungry Eye in a little cafe in San Francisco, sang "Tom Dooley" and an hour later they were making $100,000." "[LAUGHTER] In my day, I'd have to hang "Tom Dooley" for about 10 years, sell about 30,000 umbrellas, before they'd even book me for three days in Altoona." "[LAUGHTER]" "Well anyway, here they are." "Everybody likes them." "The kids like them, I like them, and you better." "They cost me $100,000." "[LAUGHTER]" "Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure." "The Kingston Trio." "[MUSIC" " KINGSTON TRIO "HARD AIN'T IT"]" "(SINGING)Oh, it's hard, ain't it hard, ain't it hard, oh yeah, to love one that never did love you?" "Oh, it's hard, ain't it hard, ain't it hard, great God, to love one that never will be true." "(SINGING)Right on." "(SINGING)Well, there is a house in this old town." "Yes." "(SINGING)That's where my true love hangs around." "[INAUDIBLE]" "(SINGING)She sits down upon another's knee." "(SINGING)Whoopee!" "(SINGING)And tells him what she never will tell me." "(SINGING)Oh, it's hard, ain't it hard, ain't it hard" "(SINGING)Oh, yeah." "(SINGING)To love one that never did love you." "Oh, it's hard, ain't it hard, ain't it hard, great God, to love one that never will be true." "Where'd you learn it?" "Julliard." "[LAUGHTER]" "(SINGING)Oh, well don't go drinking and gambling." "Why not?" "(SINGING)Don't go there your sorrows for to drown." "Oh, well that hard-liquor place is a low-down disgrace." "It's the meanest darn place in this town." "Oh, it's hard, ain't it hard, ain't it hard" "(SINGING)Ah-ha!" "(SINGING)To love one who never did love you." "Oh, it's hard, ain't it hard, ain't it hard, great God, to love one who never will be true." "[APPLAUSE]" "[LAUGHTER]" "[LAUGHTER]What can I do?" "They drive a very hard bargain." "[LAUGHTER]" "Boys, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed your work." "Thank you." "Love the way you sing." "You know, I used to sing with the PeeWee Quartet." "Let's-- let's sing a little harmony, yeah?" "We'll see if you fellows know something." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun good as any mother's son" "One note." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun good as any mother's son." "Pick one note." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun good as any mother's son." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun good as any mother's son." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun good as any mother's son" "Good, now I want to get up." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun" "Hold it, hold it, hold it." "[LAUGHTER] It's one note." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun good as any mother's son" "(SINGING)--gun, a son" "(SINGING)She could carry a gun good as any mother's son." "All right, all together." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun" "Hold it, hold it." "[LAUGHTER]" "It's one note." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun good as any mother's son." "Let me hear that." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun good as any mother's son." "Once more." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun good as any mother's son." "[LAUGHTER]" "(SINGING)Carry a gun" "(SINGING)Carry a gun good as" "OK, all together." "(SINGING)For she could carry a gun" "Hold it, hold it." "Let's break it up." "[LAUGHTER]" "$100,000." "[LAUGHTER]" "[APPLAUSE]" "[MUSIC" " KINGSTON TRIO, "MOLLY DEE"]" "(SINGING)Here we go 'round again, singing a song about Molly Dee." "Far away, I know not where." "She's the girl who waits for me." "(SINGING)I've got a gal in Tennessee she's the sweetest little gal that you ever did see." "Makes her living in a cotton mill." "Drinks her gin from the bathtub still." "(SINGING)Hey!" "Here we go, 'round again, singing a song about Molly Dee." "Far away, I know not where." "She's the girl who waits for me." "(SINGING)I got a gal in Memphis town." "Pretty little thing named Sally Brown." "Travels around on a riverboat." "Shares her room with a billy goat." "Yeah!" "(SINGING)Here we go, 'round again, singing a song about Molly Dee." "Far away, I know not where." "She's the girl who waits for me." "(SINGING)Spending my money gonna throw it away." "I'll start saving on another day." "Spending my time in the silver dollar, pinching them gals just to hear 'em holler." "(SINGING)Here we go, 'round again, singing a song about Molly Dee." "Far away, I know not where." "She's the girl who waits for me." "Here we go, 'round again, singing a song about Molly Dee." "Far away, I know not where." "She's the girl who waits for me." "She's the girl who waits for me." "[APPLAUSE]" "And, uh, and now I'd like to introduce my dearest and closest friend, Jack Benny, and you're going to see something that really happened in Jack's life." "When Jack first started in vaudeville, he used to stand on the stage with a violin in one hand, and a bow in the other, not because he was a great musician, because he didn't know what to do with his hands." "And, uh, now you're going to see him as he appeared for the first time without his violin." "It was at the Poli Theater in Wilksburg, Pennsylvania." "I was sitting in the audience." "He was pathetic." "[LAUGHTER]" "He was in agony." "I never felt so sorry for a man in my life." "He just didn't know what to do with his hands." "You'll see." "Jack Benny." "[APPLAUSE]" "Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "I'm very, very happy to be back here at Poli's Theater in Wilksburg." "You know I, um, I like to play Wilksburgs, the only place I know where the, um, minors are allowed into the theater without their parents." "Miners." "[LAUGHTER]" "Coal miners." "[LAUGHTER]" "Well, anyway, I guess I have, I have to tell you," "I have to tell you about a girl that I go with, and her name is, is, is Mary Livingston." "[LAUGHTER]" "You see." "And, uh, I took her out last, uh, last Sunday and I, I, uh-- the most marvelous-- we had the most marvelous time at the Penny Arcade, you see, where there was a, there was a lung tester there." "And it's one of those, uh, machines, you know, that test your, test your lung power, they do, and you blow into it and it goes way, way up to 1,000 and then you get your nickel back." "Now that's kind of fair, so I started to blow and blow and blow and finally and finally Mary, Mary said, nothing" "[LAUGHTER]" "Mary said, nothing, uh, will happen Jack, you see, unless you, you put a nickel back." "So I put a, a nickel and I blew and blew and I blew and I finally got it all the way up, you see, to seven." "[LAUGHTER]" "See." "And then, and then it wouldn't budge, you know." "So-- so I said" "[LAUGHTER]" "So I said, look Mary, don't just, don't just" "[LAUGHTER]" "I said, Mary don't just, uh, don't just stand there, uh, uh, don't just stand there." "[LAUGHTER]" "I said, help me, you see." "So she helped, and well we, we had it way up to 980 when suddenly a guard, you see what I mean, a guard came over and he said, uh, he said, oh, he said," "wait a minute." "Only one person at a time is allowed to use the mouthpiece." "I said, show me." "[LAUGHTER] Go ahead and, and show me." "So-- i- i- i" "[LAUGHTER]" "Show me where it's written anywhere, anyplace in this Penny Arcade where only one, one person at a time can blow into the mouthpiece." "What are you gonna do about it?" "That's what I said to him, what are you gon- so what could he do?" "I had him." "[LAUGHTER]" "And so he blew into it and the nickel came back." "[LAUGHTER]" "About this time I was so good and angry so I said, come on, Mary, let's go home." "So she said, OK, let's take a taxi." "A taxi?" "But Mary, you live all the way in Newark." "[LAUGHTER]" "Newark is this way, I think." "Newark." "[LAUGHTER]" "So, we took a taxi from Brooklyn" "I said a taxi from Brooklyn will cost, will cost $0.80." "And she says, I don't care." "It's all your fault." "I did, I did my walking here but now I'm all pooped out getting your nickel back, you see." "My nickel, I said." "I said it was your nickel." "[LAUGHTER]" "[INAUDIBLE]" "And don't you know, by the time we had finished arguing" "I had walked her all the way home." "[LAUGHTER]" "[APPLAUSE]" "What a nice man." "You know, it wasn't for his wife, he'd be a big star today." "[LAUGHTER]" "And the next introduction, I'm kind of happy about, Bobby Darin." "I'd like to take a little bow here because I predicted a year ago that this boy would go through the roof, and he has." "He's only 23, signed a contract with Paramount." "He's making a lot of hit records, and he's playing some of the finest nightclubs." "And there's a reason for it." "He's got a very exciting style." "I hate to admit this-- in a few years he might even sing as good as me." "[LAUGHTER]" "Well, anyway, here he is, a real nice boy, Bobby Darin." "[APPLAUSE]" "[MUSIC" " BOBBY DARIN, "CLEMENTINE"]" "(SINGING)In a cavern down by a canyon, excavating' for a mine, lived a miner from North Carolina and his daughter sweet Clementine." "Now every mornin' just about dawnin' when the sun began to shine, well she would rouse up wake all the cows up and walk them down to her daddy's mine." "I took the footbridge way 'cross the water though she weighed 299, while the old bridge trembled and disassembled." "Oops!" "Dumped her in the foamy brine." "Crack like thunder she went under blowing' bubbles" "[BUBBLE SOUNDS]" "(SINGING)--down the line." "I'm no swimm'a but were she slimm'a, I might have saved ole Clementine." "She broke the record under water." "I thought that she was doin' fine." "I was never nervous until the service that they held for Clementine." "(SINGING)Take care, Sailor, way out on your whaler with your harpoon and your trusty line." "Oh, if she shows now yell there she blows now!" "It just might be fat Clementine." "Oh, my darlin'-- oh, yeah!" "Oh, my darlin' oh, my darlin' sweet" "Clementine you may be gone but you're not forgotten." "Yeah." "[INAUDIBLE] So long, Clementine!" "[BUBBLE SOUNDS]" "[LAUGHTER]" "[APPLAUSE]" "Thank you." "All that, um, all that talent and good looks it's a shame it's wasted on somebody that young." "[LAUGHTER] Look, Bobby, I love the way you move around and the way you work and your stage presence." "You're wonderful." "Well, thank you very much Mr. Burns, but I have a confession to make." "Oh?" "See actually, wherever I do appear on the stage, well it's a result of watching some of the, uh, well, you know, some of the great old timers in this business." "You, uh, you have been watching the old timers, huh?" "Yes, sir." "Elders' taught me an awful lot." "[LAUGHTER]" "Take your hand off my elbow." "[LAUGHTER]" "Look, Bobby, you represent the younger generation of show business, and you're good." "I love you, I tell you that." "But when I was your age, you had to be more than just a singer." "You had to be an all around performer." "You had to be able to dance." "You had to be able to do a time step, a waltz clog, you had to be able to wing on your right foot, wing on your left foot," "Excuse me, Mister Burns." "You, you, you" "Pardon me, sir, I don't want to interrupt, but I can do all those steps, sir." "I can also do a double heel roll." "Would you like to see it?" "No." "[LAUGHTER]" "The last thing I'd want to see." "Look, Bobby, let's, let's do something together." "Anything you say." "Something that'll make you good, that won't tire you out, because at your age, I get winded very easily." "[LAUGHTER]" "Let's, let's sing, "I Ain't Got Nobody"" "and then do a little sand dance." "Did you ever do a sand dance?" "A sand dance?" "I never did a sand dance." "Good, good, I'm glad Elvis is out of town." "[LAUGHTER]" "Jeff, that's it." "(SINGING)Oh, there's a saying going around and I've began to think it's true." "(SINGING)And it's awfully hard to love someone when they don't care about you." "(SINGING)Once I had a lovin' gal, as good as any in this town." "(SINGING)But now you're sad and lonely because she's turned you down." "(SINGING)Quite true." "And I ain't got nobody." "Nobody cares for me." "And I'm so sad and lonely." "Won't somebody come and take a chance with me?" "You know I sing sweet love songs, honey, all the time if you come and be my sweet baby, mine." "Cause I I ain't got nobody." "And there's nobody that cares for me." "Mister Burns" "(SINGING)I ain't got nobody." "Sing a song." "(SINGING)Nobody cares for me." "I'm so sad and lonely." "Won't somebody ta" "I better save it for my next act." "[LAUGHTER]" "(SINGING)I'll sing sweet love songs, honey, all the time if you'll promise me that you will be my sweet baby, mine." "Ah" " I ain't got nobody." "Nobody cares for- (SINGING)Doo, dee-ooo, dee-oo, dee-oo, tee-dee. [INAUDIBLE]" "Thank you." "Woomp, da, dee-dee dee da, dee dee- (SINGING)Oh, woomp, da, dee dee, dee da, dee doo." "(SINGING)Oh, woomp." "(SINGING)Oh, woomp." "[MUSIC PLAYING]" "Oh, yeah, oh." "Uh-huh Oh, ha." "Oh, here we go." "(SINGING)Da da, da." "Solo time." "(SINGING)Oh." "Oh, dee, da, da" "This hurts." "Da, pound." "Da, da, doo." "Watch yourself now." "(SINGING)Dee, dee dee, dum, whoa!" "(SINGING)I sing sweet love songs, honey, all the time." "Are you ready?" "Yeah." "(SINGING)Could you be my lovin' baby, sweet baby, mine?" "One, two, Oh!" "(SINGING)I ain't got nobody and nobody cares for- (SINGING)Nobody cares for oh, oh, oh, oh nobody cares for-- Woomp, dee, da, woomp, back," "back, back, nobody cares for me." "[APPLAUSE]" "He's, uh, he's too young to smoke." "[LAUGHTER] But, uh, you can be any age to enjoy the best built car in America, the 1960 Mercury." "I've got a bad memory." "I, uh, I hope that you've enjoyed the show up until now because now I'd like to do something that I'm going to enjoy." "I want you to make my piano player, Charlie Lavere." "Charlie?" "[APPLAUSE]" "And, uh, and now I'd like to sing a few of the songs that I made famous, like "Tiger Girl"" "and "In the Heart of a Cherry"" "[LAUGHTER]" ""Syncopation Rules the Nation"" "[LAUGHTER]" ""Oh, What a Wonderful Winter, The Boys are All Back Home"" "and then I'd like to sing a few songs that you don't know so well." "Why don't we start with "Red Rose Rag"" "(SINGING)Down in the garden where the red roses grow, oh, my, I want to go." "Pluck me like a flower." "Cuddle me an hour." "Lovie let me learn that Red Rose Rag." "Red leaves are falling in that rosy romance, bees hum, come, now's your chance." "Don't go huntin' possums, mingle with the blossoms in the flowery, bowery dance." "Oh, honeymoon, shine on in June, hear me croon this lovely tune, trees and bees are sighing and crying and Lovie let me learn that Red Rose Rag." "Honeybee, be sweet to me"" "Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it." "That song is too great to finish." "[LAUGHTER]" "You know, when I first sang that song," "I did an act with another fellow." "His name was Sam Brown." "Brown and Williams." "My name was Harry Williams." "[LAUGHTER]" "We had a fight and we split up and I went to work with somebody else and he worked with somebody else." "And now we had Brown and Williams and Williams and Brown." "[LAUGHTER]" "Split up again, we got partners." "Now we had Brown and Williams, Williams and Brown," "Brown and Brown, and Williams and Williams." "[LAUGHTER]" "Then we split up again, and got partners." "Now you had Brown and Williams, Williams and Brown," "Brown and Brown, Williams and Williams," "The Brown Brothers and the Williams Boys." "[LAUGHTER]" "By the time we got through, every Jewish person of that neighborhood was either named Brown or Williams." "[LAUGHTER]" "There was one fellow, Jaime Goldberg, he moved." "[LAUGHTER]" "He was afraid to live in a Gentile neighborhood." "[LAUGHTER]" "Here's the chorus." "(SINGING)Pick the pinky petal for your Papa's pride." "Beg a burning blossom for your blushing bride." "Woo me with that wonderful wiggle wag." "Tip to toes to tease me and tickle me, too and do a dainty dance like Dandy-doodle-doo." "Oh, ring your Rosie around that Red Rose Rag." "[APPLAUSE]" "Right after that song, I changed my name again." "[LAUGHTER] Here's a cute song." "(SINGING)Little Johnnie Warner was sitting in a corner of a swell cafe, eating his heart away because he had no girl." "At another table sat a girl named Mable with a fellow who Johnnie knew and his head began to whirl" "[LAUGHTER]" "(SINGING)Johnnie sighed." "Here's what Johnnie cried, he hollered" "Wait, wait, before I tell you what Johnnie hollered" "[LAUGHTER]" "When I sang that song, I worked with a fellow Willie Delight." "Name of the act was Burns and Delight." "My name was Burns." "Finally." "[APPLAUSE]" "Here's the chorus." "(SINGING)Where did you get that girl?" "Oh, you lucky devil." "Where did you get that girl?" "Tell me on the level., have you ever kissed her?" "Has she got a sister?" "Lead me, lead me, lead me to her, Mister." "Gee, I wished that I had a girl, I'd love her." "Goodness, how I'd love her, and if you've got another," "I'll take her home to mother." "Where, where, where did you get that girl?" "[APPLAUSE]" "Willie and I" " Willie and I wore straw hats and we used to finish the song this way." "(SINGING)And if you've got another," "I'll take her home to mother." "Where, where, where did you get that girl?" "Put our hats out in front." "And you'd be surprised what the audience would put in our hats." "[LAUGHTER]" "Say, girls, come out here and gather around me." "I, um, I want you to hear this song." "This is my favorite song." "I'm crazy about it." "I love it." "Everybody else despises it." "[LAUGHTER]" "(SINGING)I'd love to call you Rose, dear, but roses fade away." "Please, it's my favorite." "[LAUGHTER]" "(SINGING)I'd love to call you Rose, dear, but roses fade away." "Roses die when wintertime appears." "I'd love to call you Daisy, but daisies always tell what sweethearts like to whisper in your ear." "I'd love you call you Honey, but honey runs away." "I much prefer a name like Clinging Vine." "And if I call you Buttercup, the dandelions would eat you up." "That's the part I'm crazy about." "[LAUGHTER]" "I think I'll do it again." "(SINGING)And if I call you Buttercup, the dandelions would eat you up." "Then I'll buy a ring and change your name to mine." "Come along." "(SINGING)Oh I'd love to call you Rose, dear, and roses fade away." "Roses die in wintertime" "[APPLAUSE]" "(SINGING)I'd love to call you Daisy, but daisies always tell what sweethearts like to whisper in your ear." "I'd love to call you Honey, but honey runs away." "I much prefer a name like Clinging Vine." "And if I call you Buttercup, the dandelions would eat you up." "Then I'll buy a ring and change my name, change your name, buy a ring, oh, change a, we'll buy a, we'll buy a, we'll change it or we'll buy a ring" "and change your name to" " Once more." "Oh, we'll buy, we'll change it, we'll change it, we'll buy a, oh, we'll buy a ring and change your name to mine." "[APPLAUSE]" "How do you like that guy?" "We come on his show to do him a favor, he's doing the whole thing himself." "The whole thing." "[APPLAUSE]" "We're sitting here, doing nothing." "We have to watch it yet." "I told you we could turn on something else." "Look, I'm not interested in the finals of the West Corbina bowling matches." "[LAUGHTER]" "Women's division." "[LAUGHTER]" "Oh, I don't know." "Those women bowlers got very nice muscles." "Oh." "[LAUGHTER]" "You know, we could have put on something else." "There's an old movie "Whoopee!" with you in it, Eddie." ""Whoopee!"" "I don't want to see that." "When I watch how I used to roll my eyes in those days, it hurts me now." "[LAUGHTER]" "Oh, Eddie, I know how you feel." "You know it's like a fat man stepping on a weighing machine and getting a card that says, you used to weigh 150 pounds." "[LAUGHTER]" "Oh, I don't know." "I look in the mirror every day and I haven't changed one bit in the last 20 years." "George, I keep telling you that is not a mirror, that is a photograph." "[LAUGHTER]" "How about that Burns?" "He gets us on." "He tells everybody, tells the whole world what great friends we are." "We're great pals." "Yeah, that's true." "Then he he takes over the whole show and he gets all the glory." "Yeah." "And the prestige." "And the girls!" "And the money." "[LAUGHTER]" "And top billing." "And the girls." "And the money." "[LAUGHTER]" "OK, fellows, there must be another line here, huh?" "And the money." "[LAUGHTER]" "And the girls!" "Shut up, both of you." "Look, he begged me to come on, didn't he?" "Yes." "He begged me to come on." "Sure." "And then, he says, anything, you do anything you want to do," "I'll be the straight man." "OK." "That's what he said." "Well, of course, what else can he be but a straight man?" "Take the cigar away from Burns, so what have you got?" "A very old Bobby Darin." "[LAUGHTER]" "You're right." "You know he repeats everything you say, just like every other straight man." "Now, the other day I saw him on the street, and I says to him, George, how's your brother Willie?" "So, he says to me, how's my brother Willie?" "And I had to think of a funny answer." "[LAUGHTER]" "Sometimes you can stand like that for days." "[LAUGHTER]" "It started in school you know, when he was a kid." "Nobody knew how dumb he was." "The teacher would say to him, who invented the steamboat?" "And he'd say, who invented the steamboat?" "[LAUGHTER]" "And while he was waiting for the teacher to get her laugh, the other kids graduated." "[LAUGHTER]" "And the worst of it is, he makes us do things that we did 20 years ago." "Yeah." "And who wants to do things we did 20 years ago?" "I do." "[LAUGHTER]" "Boys, how does the show look?" "Oh, George, you were just great." "You were, you were magnificent." "I could here you sing forever." "You don't need anybody." "Well, I know [INAUDIBLE] Look, fellows, I'm going out to introduce the Pals number." "Yeah." "Now won't we sing together?" "It's my show, so please, don't sing too loud." "[LAUGHTER] How do you like that?" "Don't sing too loud." "How do you like that?" "And we're doing this whole show for free." "I'm not getting a dime." "I, I" " Are you going paid, Georgie?" "Well, of course not." "How about you, Jack?" "Are you getting paid?" "[LAUGHTER]" "Jack?" "Wait a minute, I'm not through looking." "[LAUGHTER]" "Jack" "[LAUGHTER]" "Jack, are you" "I can make this show run an hour and a half." "[LAUGHTER]" "Jack, aren't you doing this show for, uh, for nothing?" "Well, practically." "We just, we just have an exchange of sponsors' product." "Are they going to change your power?" "What do you mean?" "What is that?" "Well, I give Burns, you know, a case of, uh, Lux liquid" "And?" "And he gives me a Mercury." "[LAUGHTER]" "What?" "In exchange for product" "Wait, wait a minute." "I think I hear the music." "Well, come on." "[INAUDIBLE]" "Jeff, if you please, Pals. [MUSIC STARTS]" "Now, wait, wait, well, just, wait a minute." "Wait a minute, Jeff." "Just a moment." "Uh, George, I meant to ask you, how, uh, how's your brother," "Willie?" "[LAUGHTER]" "How's my brother, Willie?" "Yes, George." "How is your brother, Willie?" "Jack, how's my brother, Willie?" "[LAUGHTER]" "I don't know, he's your brother!" "[LAUGHTER]" "Jack, the deal is off." "Oh, no it isn't!" "[LAUGHTER]" "[MUSIC - "PALS"]" "(SINGING)Pals, pals, we'll always be pals." "What you do is OK with me." "Fellows, not so loud." "Ah, let us alone." "(SINGING)Pals, pals," "Just what is wrong with a girl of today is the problem this world has to face." "They blame it on this and they blame it on that, but they don't seem to get any place." "Eyes and a lipstick, the cocktails and jazz" "[INAUDIBLE]" "[APPLAUSE]" "(SINGING)We'll sing 'til our days are done that we'll be pals, pals, pals." "[APPLAUSE]" "You know, this wasn't very easy for me tonight because for many years Gracie was always right there beside me." "And I can always feel her presence on the stage." "Seems strange to be on here alone." "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "He's not alone." "He's never alone." "[APPLAUSE]" "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "With those six beautiful girls on the show, I'm home watching him." "[LAUGHTER]" "It even feels strange to be making an entrance and not to hear Gracie say, George, are my lips on straight?" "She always said" "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "Now, George has the last laugh on the critics." "They always said he was no comedian, but now that he's working alone, he's got a chance to prove it." "[LAUGHTER]" "And I could never retire." "I wouldn't know what to do with myself." "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "Oh, I, I wish" "I'd seen him when he was with the PeeWee Quartet." "[LAUGHTER]" "I just [INAUDIBLE]" "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "Imagine an eight-year-old boy with a head of blonde curls, smoking a cigar." "[LAUGHTER]" "At my age, I, I couldn't start fishing and playing golf." "I'm too old to retire." "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "Too old." "Why, he's got years and years of retirement left in him." "[LAUGHTER]" "I could never retire now." "Here I am getting all these laughs and I'm not saying anything funny." "Must be my-- must be my delivery." "[LAUGHTER]" "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "This is a good time to get off." "You know" "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "You always said don't stay on too long." "Always leave them wanting a little more." "Don't wear out your welcome." "You always said the worst thing a performer would do-- [INAUDIBLE]" "I asked Gracie to marry me practically every day." "[INAUDIBLE]" "[LAUGHTER]" "And the day she said, yes, I didn't have $0.05 in my pocket." "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "Take your bow and thank them for being so nice." "And this is really, really true." "I borrowed $2 from Gracie to pay for the marriage license." "It's true." "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "He borrowed $5." "[LAUGHTER]" "Imagine the predicament I was in." "Didn't have $2 for the marriage license, had to borrow $2 from Gracie." "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "He borrowed $5." "[LAUGHTER]" "I was so embarrassed, I told the fellow in front of me that I left my suit in my, I left my money in my other suit." "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "Five." "My other suit." "In fact" "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "Five." "Five." "[LAUGHTER]" "You know, come to think of it" "[LAUGHTER]" "I borrowed $5." "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "Finally got it He still owes me $3 change." "[LAUGHTER]" "I wonder if I ever paid her back?" "GRACIE (VOICEOVER):" "You didn't, and say, good night, George." "Oh, no, Gracie." "I've got about 30 or 40 more songs to sing." "Charlie?" "(SINGING)Place, park, scene, dark, great big moon is shining through the trees." "Cast two, me, you, sounds of kisses floating through the breeze." "Next week is called, Ethel Merman on Broadway, with terrific assists from Tab Hunter," "Fess Parker and Tom Poston." "That's a lot of tall, handsome company for a girl." "Not bad company for you, either." "So come visit with us." "(SINGING)Monkey banjos nightly would be strumming, they would be humming and it's worse than buzzing bees." "I picked a boonhanded band, it was the best in Monkeyland played Ragtime ran." "Oh, this big bad boon [INAUDIBLE] tune, one night in June." "So we rode a thing to chunky [INAUDIBLE] to pay the monkey [INAUDIBLE] Oh, the night was a sight when the monkey band began to swing and sway."