"MUSIC:" "Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger" "I'm not sick but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell" "God, you're great." "Thanks, Jez." "You're great, too." "Sometimes, I'd like to die and climb inside you." "OK." "'Was that too much?" "No." "Go on, ask her.'" "Nancy, I was wondering whether you'd consider being, maybe, my proper, you know, just-you-and-me, girlfriend." "Wow." "Um..." "I don't know." "I mean, that's really nice, Jeremy, but..." "'There's always a "but".'" "We're so different." "I've got my religion, my yogacize, my charity stuff." "I just... don't know where you'd fit in as a boyfriend." "But I really like you and we have a great time together." "Well, I really like you too, and we do have a good time together, but..." "'That's the second "but".'" "What about all the other stuff?" "Other stuff?" "Look, obviously, God wanted us to enjoy ourselves." "I mean, that's why he invented pills, clubs, lube and hardcore." "But he also wanted us to give something back." "And that's why he created the homeless, the lepers and the oil spills." "'God, suck up to God.'" "Nancy, listen." "The only reason that I don't go to church is that, for me, everything's a church." "This room is my church." "The hall is my church." "Costcutter's is a bloody cathedral." "That's really nice, Jeremy." "It's just not true, is it?" "'End of quarter sales push." "Pulling an all-nighter." "'One of the few in my Spitfire." "'Who am I kidding?" "I probably would have crashed my training plane in the Phony War.'" "'Uh-oh, bollocks!" "Giggling, sharing." "'Shall I intervene?" "No." "'It's fine." "It's totally fine." "Que sera, sera, 'whatever will be, will be." "'The future's not ours to see." "'lf she fucks him, I'll kill myself.'" "All right there, mate?" "Hi." "Hobnobs." "Thought you might like some, mate." "You know, pulling an all-nighter, we're all in it together, mate." "Right." "'Hope this works.'" "Well, that's nice." "Do you want to come in?" "'Mate!" "The magic code word." "'Instant rapport with taxi drivers, builders and garage men.'" "Blimey, mate." "Look at all these TVs." "You can see it all from in here, can't you?" "Yep." "So, er, what's your name, pal?" "'Pal?" "Is he a pal person?" "'" "Mark, pal." "Ah, Terry." "Mark here's brought us some biscuits." "Cheers, mate." "'Now we're back to mate!" "This is a nightmare.'" "No problem, mate, pal." "So, I bet I can see my... mates from up here, yeah?" "Oh, yeah, look, there they are." "Laughing away like a pair of bloody idiots at absolutely nothing." "Your mate's getting fresh, is he?" "'Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "No!" "'" "Hey, Tel." "Get me a tape." "'Don't tape it, stop it!" "Charge up your tasers.'" "Ooh, look at that!" "That... is... hilarious." " Tell you what, he can give her one from me!" " And me." "Ha-ha." "Brilliant." "'God, I'm good." "It's a Saturday night and I'm doing good." "'Come on, give us a smile!" "You don't know I'm here with an ulterior motive!" "'" " Jeremy!" " Nancy!" "Since when were you involved with street work?" "Since forever." "Bloody hell, this is amazing!" "I had no idea you were into this stuff, too!" "Really?" "I'm pretty sure I mentioned it." "No, I don't think you did, because if you had, I'd have mentioned it too." "Right." "Yeah, I love hobos." "Always have, always will." "And they're a great bunch, the Jesus Cave Crew." "Yeah..." "Although, don't you think sometimes they can be a bit patronising?" "Like, "Sorry we're out of soup and bread, but this is lucky, we have lots of wine and tiny wafers!"" "Yeah, that is so whack!" "I mean Jesus fed a multitude of followers with just five loaves and two fishes." "Matthew, chapter 14." "Nancy!" "See ya later, honey." "Later, baby!" "'Mmm, I'll probably get to bone her later.' Cheer up, Beardie!" "Everything's coming up roses!" "Another cup of tea, girlfriend?" "I'm good, thanks." "Boyfriend." "Ah!" "This is the worst bit." "I hate this bit." "This is the worst bit." "Come on, mate." "There's no point torturing yourself." "It's not torture, it's research!" "Besides, I can torture myself if I want to." "What are you going to do?" "Call Amnesty?" "See?" "That!" "That's the push!" "She can't get away." "He's some sort of animal." " Did you see the push, Jeremy?" " Yeah, sure, that looked terrible." "Looks like a one-off, though, doesn't it?" "A crazy flash in the pan." "Don't you think?" "Nancy, you're her friend." "Give me your analysis." "I mean, did she tell you what happened... after?" "Apparently, he took her to the bathroom for a little bit of... but Sophie was totally not into it." " Oh." "So they went back to his place, they made out for hours and she jerked him off." "Oh." "But then he went away and he hasn't called and she's really pissed off about it." "Oh!" "Brilliant." "And our ambition should be to kill clients." "I mean actually kill them." "With our levels of service." "So they're dead." "'She's not going to smile, Jeff." "You can't laugh at someone you don't trust." "'It's like Mum singing the lumberjack song after she had her affair.'" "So, Aberdeen." "I need a couple of experienced credit managers up there for ten days on-site personnel training." "I was thinking Sophie and Jeff." "'No, no, no!" "Ten days!" "He can wheedle his way back in in ten days!" "'" "So, unless anyone else has any thoughts, let's wrap up and have a couple of frapuccinos." " Yes, I have a thought." " Uh-huh." "I very much don't think it's a good idea." "Oh, OK." "And why is that?" "It's just a hunch, OK?" "And I always trust my hunches." "Thanks, Columbo." "And, plus, Jeff doesn't have much experience." "The 2003 Scottish Consumer Directive, for example." "I really don't think that affects us, Alan." "Oh, it doesn't affect us that during the first phone contact we're obliged to set out, without abbreviation, the terms of a standard repayment plan?" "'I've shot you, Jeff, with a bullet made of Scottish finance regulations!" "'" "So, Mark, would you be prepared to go up there with Sophie if that's the way things panned out?" "Yeah, Alan, I suppose I could... probably make that." "'Even if I have to cut off all my limbs and crawl to Aberdeen on my tongue.'" "I can't believe he's wormed his way back in." "Yeah." "Well, his mum was really ill, apparently." "That's why he didn't call Sophie." "Bastard!" "Perfect alibi." "Still, thanks for that heads up on the date, mate." "Great to be able to monitor." "And if anyone asks, we're just having a lovely innocent picnic!" "Oops." "Looks like he's having a bit of trouble with the Humpty." "Keeps rolling on out." "Brilliant." "Although, apparently, she finds that amusing." "They're laughing, Jez!" "They're having a good time!" "'Got to stop it." "Throw a snack." "Hit him on the head." "'No." "Get them to film it." "Build up a library of taped evidence." "'Right, evidence that I'm an obsessive voyeur.'" "Bad news, bad news, bad news." "Jesus, Jeremy, one bus crash!" "What about all the buses that made it safely to their destination?" "Yeah." "Yeah, this is such bullshit." "Yes, I suppose the news should be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred during the day" "That would be good." "Except, of course, it would take for ever!" "'... promised firm action to move on nuisance drinkers from... '" "That's..." "That's..." "That's our picnic!" "You can't see the Kettle Chips." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Bloody hell!" "Whose business is it where you do your drinking?" "I wasn't drinking, I was having a picnic!" "Hello?" "Mum, we were having a picnic." "Tell Dad it was a picnic." "You can't see the crisps!" "We had three different flavours of crisps!" "Explain to him." "And Scotch eggs!" "Yeah, no, really, I'm..." "I'm fine." "Listen, I've got to go." "Cock knobs!" "Mark, don't worry." "These things, they happen for a reason." "It might not seem like there's a plan, but there is a plan." "Oh, right." "You believe in a god, do you?" "Yes, I do." "And you might find it a comfort at a time when..." "No, there's no evidence for God, whereas Ofcom has published guidelines." "So does God." "It's called the Bible." "Oh, yes, the Bible." "And I wonder what the Bible's view is on you doing it in the shower and the garden centre and up the bum." "I mean, that's all right, is it, that's in the Bible?" "Or do you think maybe that's not in the Bible?" "Mark!" "I'm sure it is in the Bible, somewhere." "Probably in Corinthians." "There's a load of weird shit in there." "'Are they staring?" "They're all staring at the drunk off the news." "'Yeah, well, fuck them!" "Me and Sophie are going to Aberdeen." "'I'll make everything all right in Aberdeen." "'They're probably not even staring." "Just being paranoid, as usual." "'Oh, fuck!" "'" "All right." "Ha-ha Very funny" "Yeah, I can take a joke as well as anyone else, but, if there are any more jokes, I'm taking it to a fucking industrial tribunal, OK?" "Mark." "Can I have a word?" "Let me explain." "It was a picnic." "I'm currently speaking to Ofcom." " Right." " I mean, we had three flavours of crisps." " Sure." " Good." "Well, I'm glad you understand." "Oh, I understand." "Totally." "Mark, listen." "I've been there." "I've been to the bottom of the bottle and back to the top." "No, Alan, I..." "We're kindred spirits, Mark." "Like George W or Alastair Campbell." "We want it all and we want it now." "And if we're not hitting our targets, we're hitting the bottle." "Right?" "Alan, I'm not an alcoholic." "Sure." "Sure you're not." "That's what I told myself every day for 15 years." "But until you face your demons and put the plug in the jug, how can I trust you to be my main man in the office, let alone Frankfurt or Aberdeen?" "'I've got to go to Aberdeen." "I've got the Rough Guide!" "'I could always sell it on eBay." "No, I've got to go to Aberdeen with Sophie!" "'" "Have you found it yet?" "Found what?" "The bit..." "You know, the bit where it says it's OK to do it up the bum." "I'm not looking for that." "I'm just reading." "OK." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Listen, Jez..." "I want to ask you something, if we can do something very special." "'So glad I didn't rub one out in the shower.'" "I think it's time we break the last taboo." "Brilliant." "It's not going to hurt, is it?" "What is it?" "Is it in the ear?" "Listen." "Now, we've done it round every which way there is." "I'm just wondering if we shouldn't try not doing it." "Not doing it?" "Yeah." "Wouldn't that be amazing?" "'No." "Not amazing." "Wrong." "Think, brain.'" "Yeah." "Or, I tell you what, go the other way." "Do a John and Yoko." "Never stop doing it or get out of bed, until all the injustice in the world is totally sorted." "Jeremy, I really want to give this a go." "It's a real deal-breaker for me." "Well, then." "Let's give it a go." "This isn't anything to do with what Mark said, is it?" "No, of course not." "Because you know he's just the ghost at the feast, don't you?" "I'm so glad you understand." "You're great, Jez." "'This is fine." "We don't need sex." "We can talk." "'Maybe I can get her to talk dirty while I pull myself off.'" "Hello." "My..." "My name's Mark... and..." "I'm an alcoholic." "Uh..." "So, I'm a... lager drinker, mainly." "I think I had my first one when I was about 14." "Hofmeister." "You remember?" "The bear with the porkpie hat." "Yeah." "'Surely, that's enough.'" "Let it out." "Yeah, so..." "Lately, it's got really bad." "I've been on the... rum and Coke." "'More?" "'" "And vodka and gin." "All mixed up." "It's not even a proper cocktail." "It's just made-up." "And I just drink that and stay at home." "And eat oven chips... out of the bag, frozen... until I throw up on myself." "That's how pissed I've been." "Thanks." "'God, they'll believe anything!" "All you've got to do is turn up and moan.'" "Thank you, Mark." "'What's so great about sex, anyway?" "It's all in the mind." "'Her soft skin is just a big bag full of kidneys and mucus and half-digested bits of pie." "'I bet she's got really nice kidneys." "Oh, yeah, I'd fuck those kidneys real good." "'She looks fine." "Why am I not fine and she's fine?" "'She's probably getting some somewhere." "Maybe she's doing it with him.'" "Excuse me, is there a soup without meat?" "Listen, mate." "Beggars can't be choosers, all right?" "'Oh, right!" "Now, they're laughing." "'What's so bloody hilarious?" "That's it, that is the fucking limit!" "'" "Hi." "What's so funny?" "What's the big joke?" "Hey Jez." "Shouldn't you be sorting out the queue?" "Why, what are you doing that's so important?" "Oh, I was just helping Nim fill out some benefit forms." "They're a real pain." "I'm gonna go and do the soup." "I know your game." "I know what you're up to, Nim." "What?" "Oh, sure, yeah, you need help filling your forms in" ""Ooh, please, Missus, I've been on the streets for so long I've forgotten how to use a pen."" "She offered and I just said yes." "Why do you even need them at all?" ""Oh, my forms!" "My precious forms!"" "I've got my eye on you, mate." "'It's fine, there's nothing to worry about." "'She's not fucking anyone." "We're just sitting watching TV." "'That's bad body language." "'She hasn't mentioned that homeless guy once." "Probably wants me to forget all about him." "'That's it, she's off!" "She's leaving me." "Fuck!" "'" "Where are you going?" " I just wanted some more juice." "You want some?" " Sure." "'Relax, play it cool." "She loves me." "She's not just here cos she hasn't got a TV.'" "Oh, listen, Jez." "I forgot to mention, Nim's going to be moving into my flat." "What the fuck?" "Nim, the homeless guy?" "Just until he gets his own hostel place." "Jesus, Jez!" "Nothing's gonna happen!" "He's homeless, Jez." "He sleeps rough every night." "Exactly." "He's fine!" "It's what he does." "He probably loves it, the rolling hills, the heather." "Don't fence him in." "It's only until they sort out his claim." "Look, this is ridiculous." "We've got this massive sofa." "Nim should stay here." "Yeah, it'll be a laugh." "I love the homeless." "One of my own would be amazing." "I could look after him." "Not like a Tamagotchi." "Better." "I'm fine, Dad." "Please." "There's no need to come and stay." "I know it was on the news, but you know what the news is like these days." "They just make it all up." "No, no, no." "OK." "But please don't use that voice." "All right." "See you at the station." " Hello." " Hello." "Jez, there's someone I don't know sitting on the sofa eating my Sara Lee." "He's a good friend of mine called Nim who happens to be homeless." "He's not staying here, is he?" "Oh, right, I take it you'd prefer to see him out on the street?" "You know, brush "them" away." "Hose them down, put them into camps." "Is that the idea?" "No, of course it isn't." "Yes, he's going to stay here, unless you want him to freeze to death, or is that exactly what you want?" "No!" "Look, he must have some benefits or something?" "As a matter of fact, he doesn't." "Some bloody guy ripped up his forms, apparently." "Why on earth would they do that?" "I don't know, Mark." "I guess that's just the way life is on the streets." "Listen, Nim, I feel awful, but, the thing is, my dad's coming to stay and he considers Sir David Frost to be something of a hippy." "So you're going to have to leave." "I'm sorry." "I wouldn't normally do this." "I mean, I have a standing order to the Royal National Lifeboat Institute." "That's the kind of guy I am." "Maybe you can take some comfort from that?" "'God, she's gorgeous!" "This is killing me." "'Maybe I can rub myself against her, say I'm doing "an experiment"." "'No, too pathetic." "OK." "Here goes.'" "'The nuclear option." "The ultimate.'" "So, Nancy." "I just wanted to say how much I'm enjoying not having sex with you." "Really?" "Yeah." "'Come on, Jez." "Death or glory!" "'" "In fact, I was going to propose that we should probably never have sex again." "I mean, all that humping and pumping..." "We could take all that wasted energy and try and accomplish so many more important things." "Well, yeah..." "I mean, that's great, Jez, but I really wanted this to bring us, you know, closer together." "Oh, but it has." "I feel incredibly close to you... without any pressure to be sexual." "I mean, these." "I mean, they're just a pair of human breasts, for Christ's sakes." "Now I can finally appreciate your whole body without any stupid sexual desire." "Well, yeah..." "I mean, celibacy, that's great, but maybe it's all just a bit of naughty Nancy." "Nancy can't have fun." "Nancy must be punished." "Maybe I should just say "Fuck you, Mom!"" "'Oh, yeah!" "Take that, God!" "'Shove this up your toga, you big beardie killjoy!" "'" "Hey, where's Nim?" "Oh, Nim's gone." "Where?" "He's fine." "Mark chucked him out." "Jesus, Jeremy!" "Poor Nim!" "Where exactly is Nim?" "Oh, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim... fucking Nim!" "Look, if you love Nim so much, why don't you go and find him and screw him!" "OK." "Fine." "I will go and try and find Nim." "You know, just to make sure he's not, like, I don't know, dead or something!" "Oh, Nancy, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it." "Come back!" "Oh, please?" "I'm dying here." "Just... touch it!" "Blow on it!" "You can use a tea towel." "Soph, I just wanted to say, if we do end up going up the Highlands together" "I not only expect, but will insist on separate rooms because..." " Mark?" " Alan!" "It's not what it looks like!" "It's only a pint." "Only a p!" "It's never only a pint." "I didn't even want it." "Sophie bought it for me." "I asked for a Coke." "No, you didn't." "You know what I'm hearing, Mark? "Poor me!"" ""Poor me." "Pour me another drink."" "No." "Alan!" "This is bullshit, Mark!" "And you can forget about the two weeks in Aberdeen." "Two words." "Mini." "Bar." "'Ugh!" "Kaliber!" "Of course, Kaliber!" "Why didn't I say it was Kaliber?" "'Kaliber would have made everything all right.'" "'OK, I'm going to Aberdeen." "I'm going, Jeff." "'In a canoe made of your skin, wearing your nuts as earrings.'" " All right, Jeff?" " All right, Mark." "So, say, tell you what, Jeff." "I had a great shag last night." "Oh." "Really?" "Yeah." "With your mum." "What?" "Yeah, really doing it, we were." "Mate, I know you're pissed off about me going to Aberdeen with Soph and everything, but you need to chill, OK?" " You need to chill right out, otherwise..." " What's gonna happen, you homo?" "!" "Mark." "Stolen any good cars lately, Mr Scouser?" "Where's your native wit now, ey, Mr Stupid?" "Watch it, mate." "Come on, Jeff." "Let's get down to it, shall we?" "Come on, you stupid stinking chicken fucker." "Ooh, those chickens really love it when that big rooster Jeff comes a-calling." "Argh!" "'He's bloody broken my beautiful nose!" "'" "That should be more than enough for Personnel to go on, don't you think?" "Goodbye, Jeff!" "What, mate?" "Where's the other one?" "You're not the one I bought the lager for." "Laurie knocks off at six." "But he was supposed to tape me and Jeff in the room." "He must have taped it." "Oh, shit!" "Look, mate, pal." "You've got to do me a favour." "Hey, Jeff." "What now, Mark?" "Yeah, so, like I was saying." "Your mum." "I had sex with her." "Mark, why are you doing this to yourself?" "Yeah, and it was great." "Mark, go home." "Come on, you big pussy!" "Look, you've obviously got a lot of serious... stuff going on and I'm not going to make it any worse." "Come on, dick cheese!" "Piss teeth!" "Fish lips!" "Come on!" "Have another crack at me, Jeff!" "Go on, I'll fight back this time!" "Hit me, Jeff!" "'It's OK." "I'll get him at the bus stop." "There's CCTV at the bus stop.'" "MUSIC:" "Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger" "Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's comin' to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles digging holes."