"I'll go, Mrs Hall." "Hello." " Now, you've got to be Siegfried Farnon." "That's right." " You look just like I imagined." "Have we met?" " Not as far as I know, no." "I'm Alice McTavish." "I'm a friend of Tristan's." "Tristan stays with us in Edinburgh when he takes his exams." "Oh, I see!" "Come in, come in." " Thank you." "Come on through." "I'm afraid my brother isn't here at the moment." "He and my partner are both away at a conference in London." "Oh, really?" "When will he be back?" "Late tonight at the earliest." "That's all right, I'm staying a few days." " Locally?" "At the Darrowby Hotel." " That's all right, then." "Tristan would've been disappointed to miss you." "He speaks of you often." " Nothing too complimentary, I hope." "Of course, you sent back a pair of his socks after his last stay with you." "His socks?" "Oh aye, the socks." "Now, you sit down...here." "I'll get my housekeeper to produce some tea and cakes..." "Oh, no." "You have enough to do without entertaining me." "I haven't." " Thanks but I'll be getting back." "Really?" " lf you just tell Trissy I'll call tomorrow." "I'll certainly tell Trissy that." "I couldn't be in the area and not bring wee Tristan to see him." "Wee Tristan?" " Oh, aye, he'll get a real shock." "He's fairly come on these past few months." "Well, goodbye." " Goodbye." "Wee Tristan?" "Visitors?" " Yes, a girlfriend of Tristan's - a Miss McTavish, THE Miss McTavish, of Edinburgh." "is there anything wrong?" "Wrong?" "Why, should there be?" "What was she like?" "Erm...most attractive." "Helen?" " Yes?" "Tristan's very fond of you?" " l think the feeling's mutual." "Yes, but you're the one he comes to with his problems, aren't you?" "Yes." "Me or James." " James?" "Dash it, that's true." "Do you suppose he has something on his mind?" "No, no, of course not." "No, just..." "Why, have you?" " Me?" "Not a thing, no." "Oh good, good." "You could at least try talking to me." "Help me to keep awake." "Perhaps you should try and sing a bit, James." "Feel free, you won't disturb me." " Oh, thanks." "I feel like I've been glued to this seat for a week." "It's the traffic - taken all the fun out of motoring." "You should've thought of that before you talked me out of taking the train." "Try to get to bed earlier, James." "I remember trying - several times - and being talked out of it." "And being woken at 3am and asked if I want to buy the Tower of London." "If we had left at a reasonable hour, we'd be tucked up in our beds by now." "It's conspicuous by its absence, James." " What?" "Your sense of humour in the early hours." "What the devil are you doing?" "We said we'd take it in turns." "Well, now it's yours." "Aha!" "The wanderers return." "They must have driven all night." "They'll be ravenous." " Yes." "Come on, Tris." "Tris!" "Come on!" "You're a sadist, James." "My turn, your turn..." "my turn, your turn..." "What the...?" "You're destined to become a legend in your own lifetime." "All the Dales must be agog for news of your latest lunatic exploit." "It isn't funny, Siegfried." " Did I say it was?" "What gives you the impression that I find it amusing that you've demolished my garage and put a car off the road?" "It was an accident!" " So I should hope!" "I hope even you don't make a practice of bursting through buildings in cars." "Although there is at least one precedent for that." "What do you mean?" " Surely you haven't forgotten the mysterious incident of the Darrowby Golf Club hut, when some maniac knocked it down in a motor car?" "I've always known you suspected me of that." "Can't imagine why." "Ahhh!" " Don't be such a baby, it's just iodine." "Stings like hell!" " Of course!" "They make it like that to remind you to be more careful next time." "You realise while you're being so amusing at my expense, I may have sustained brain damage." "Nonsense - just a little bang on the head." "Brain damage?" "You?" "Ah, there's a good girl." "Any headache?" " Just feel a bit muzzy." "Oh, Tristan, there's nothing there." "Ah, James, how's the car?" "One headlamp gone but surprisingly unscathed." "How's the patient?" " He'll live." "Thank you for your sympathy." " Drink this and go to bed." "Oh, cheers." "Good night, everybody." "Morning, Tristan." "I should make sure he doesn't fall through the banisters." "Siegfried, did you tell him?" "Tell him what?" " About his visitor." "No, not yet." "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." "Oh, well done." "You're getting on fine all by yourself." "Mmm." "Good trip?" " Well, I missed you." "Good. I'll get you some breakfast." "Then you better get some sleep, too." "What visitor?" " Oh, Miss McTavish." "In fact, THE Miss McTavish, from Edinburgh." "Of socks fame?" " Yes." "Will he be all right, Mr Farnon?" " Oh yes, yes." "It just looks worse than it is really, you know." "There we are." "Now, you give him to me." "Ooh, he's biting." "Hello, James." "Had enough sleep?" "It's a guilty conscience - l can't leave you to do all the work." "Now, then, what you've got to do, my lad, is... keep him warm, away from draughts, give him plenty to eat - you can have some of these for yourself... and above all remember to keep his cage door tight shut," "especially when that cat of yours is around." "Very partial to the odd juicy budgerigar, your average pussycat." "David, one other thing - bring him back in 10 days' time." "I'll have that stitching out and he'll be right as rain." "Thank you." " Bye." "Shan't keep you long." "Has, er..." "Trissy surfaced yet?" "Trissy?" "All his more intimate friends call him that." "Didn't you know?" "No." "He's just finishing breakfast." "Oh, is he?" "So...he behaved himself on the trip, did he?" "That's hardly a question to ask of his best friend." "No, I suppose it isn't." "Not an easy thing, James, being somebody's brother." "I suppose not." "Especially when you have to be a father at the same time." "Did he say anything to you?" " What about?" "Anything at all." "I can't think of anything." "Did you expect he would?" "No, no, I just wondered if he'd said anything when you were exchanging confidences over the odd drink." "During the course of the trip?" " No." "Oh, good." "Good." "Finishing breakfast, is he?" " Yes." "Would you like any more, Mr Tristan?" " l couldn't eat another thing, Mrs Hall." "Sure you're all right?" " Fine." "Whatever will you get up to next?" " The mind boggles." "I said you'd be better off on t'train." " Yes, I know, but James insisted." "Mrs H, has he made a good meal?" " Aye." "So... you survived, eh?" " Yes, just about." "How's the head?" " Clear as a bell." "It might be a smart idea to nip next door and let the quack see it." "I don't really see the need, Siegfried." " Right." "So!" "How was good old London?" " Fine." "Yes, it was most informative." "Fascinating lecture on the cell tissue of calves." "Enjoyed that, did you?" " Riveting, yes." "I can imagine." "How about the nightlife?" " Didn't get much chance to sample that." "Oh, why not?" " Frankly, we were both so tired at the end of the day all we wanted to do was sleep." "Surely there's always some sort of party on the last evening?" "So I believe, yes." "You behaved yourself?" " Oh, yes." "Kept out of trouble?" " Right." "Cos you know, Tristan... if ever you are in trouble of any kind - any kind at all - l do hope you'll come to me about it." "I know I'm guilty of flashes of irascibility, I do get onto you." "But I want you to remember that I am still your brother." "I'm here to listen, to help, to...offer advice." "Right." "There isn't anything in particular on your mind?" "Can't think of anything, no." "Maybe it happened in the past?" "In some rash moment... that you simply didn't feel able to tell me about... in the mistaken belief that I might not be sympathetic?" "Good Lord, no, Siegfried." " No." "Good, good." "Yes, well, I'd better get off and do some work." "I forgot to mention it - you had a visitor yesterday." "Visitor?" " Yes, a Miss McTavish...from Edinburgh." "Alice?" "Here?" " Yes." "But she's in Scotland." " No, she's at the Darrowby Hotel." "Anything wrong?" " Wrong?" "You look worried, little brother." " Just surprised, that's all." "Anyway, she's calling on you again today." "With...wee Tristan." " Wee Tristan?" "Yes." "Wee Tristan, Good Lord." "I never really told you about wee Tristan, did I?" "No, you didn't." "I'll get it..." "Alice, how are you?" " Hello, Tristan!" "I'm fine." "You look marvellous." " What have you done?" "Just a scratch." "Come in." " Shall I leave the wee boy outside?" "Nonsense, bring him in." "Someone here is dying to meet him." "Come through and say hello to my brother." "Hello again." " Come on in." "How are you today?" "I'm nicely, thanks." " Good." "And this, of course is...wee Tristan." "I see." "So, this is wee Tristan, is it?" "He was a present from Trissy the last time he was up." "We called him that for a bit of joke." "What a fine fellow he is!" "A distinct resemblance, of course." "Same bloodshot eyes, same hungover look." "So, you and my brother have been good friends for some time?" "Oh, we've had some high old times in Edinburgh, I can tell you." "I'm sure you could." " As Trissy always says, there's more to life than passing exams." "How very true." "Heavens alive, what am I thinking of?" "Miss McTavish, sit yourself down." "Thank you." " May I call you Alice?" "I wish you would." "Miss McTavish is a right old mouthful." "Then you must call me Siegfried." "As you for you, Trissy... why don't you get Mrs Hall to make some more tea?" "I can entertain Alice and she can tell me more of the things you're always saying." "Right." "What a good fella... ls he six, seven months...?" " Seven months." "He's here." "Ah, Mr Barratt?" " That's right." "James Herriot." " Where's Mr Farnon?" "I'm afraid he's tied up this afternoon." "Thank you." "What's the problem?" "Him over yonder." "Can't keep owt down." "I see." "Hello." " Good afternoon." "How long has he been like this?" "Started a couple of days ago." "Hasn't kept anything down since." "Gave him some bismuth and bicarb but it hasn't made any difference." "Has he been drinking a lot?" " All the time and then bringing it back." "What's his breath been like?" " Stinking." "How old is he?" " Getting on for nine." "I'm sorry, Mr Barratt, but he has every symptom of kidney trouble." "is that bad?" " Well, it could be." "Very bad, I'm afraid." " Well, can you do anything?" "We'll do everything we can, of course." "I'll come by later with some tablets." "If he starts eating again, keep him on a low protein diet - maize, bread and milk." "I'll come out again as quickly as I can." "All right?" "Aye, right." " Thank you." "Goodbye." "Your taxi's here." "Well, now what's going on?" "I won't go while he's like this." "Well, he's just a dog." "How did you get on with George Barratt?" "is he a friend of yours?" " He's not really a friend of anybody's." "Well, a bit offhand." "That's George's problem, a bit offhand with the world." "Same at school apparently, always the odd man out." "The one none of the boys wanted to befriend." "It's funny..." "how there's always one like that." "Not funny for him." " No, I suppose not." "He works for Lord Houlton." "He is marvellous with horses." "Perhaps he prefers horses to people." "I think it's extremely likely." "They'd be heartbroken if anything happened to their dog." "They're both devoted to it." "As far as I know, it's the only thing they have left in common." "Really?" "It was the surprise of the year when they announced their marriage." "It was assumed she was a confirmed spinster and he was a woman-hater." "It's not working out at all well, I'm afraid." "Oh." "Well, I better get these tablets out to him as soon as possible." "Where's Tristan?" " Having a bath." "Ah." "Curious time of day." "He's got a date, I believe." "He was smelling less than sweetly when he got back from Mallard's." "Oh, really?" "All right?" " Fine." "You still haven't told me." " What?" "What you're doing here." "Aren't you glad to see me, then?" " Of course." "I was coming down to see a girlfriend in Manchester anyway." "I thought I'd see the Dales for myself." "Why didn't you let me know you were coming?" "I wanted to surprise you with one of your other girlfriends." "You know I only have eyes for you, Alice." "Oh, aye, and the moon's made of lemon meringue." "When did we last go to the pictures?" "When you were in Edinburgh." " Alexander's Ragtime Band." "That man sucked his teeth all through Alice Faye." "Oh, so he did!" "Would you like an ice cream?" " l'd love an ice cream." "Hello there, partner." " Hello, Mr Wiggins, how are you?" "Can't grumble." "Doing pretty well theeself from the look of that, er..." "pretty little filly you've got in tow." "Excuse me." " Surely boy, surely." "Hell's bells." " What's the matter?" "It's Mr Wiggins." "Known locally as Wiggins of the Wild West." "American?" " No, he's Yorkshire as pudding." "Why does he talk like that?" "His story is that he once worked on a Texan ranch." "I think it's from watching Westerns." "Must be one on tonight or he wouldn't be here." "Excuse me, partner." "Thank you." "Oh, no." "Ken Maynard." " Pardon?" "In Texas Gunfighter, tonight." " Oh, yes, he's very good." "I'm having trouble with them pesky bullocks of mine, tha knows?" "Really?" "Yeah, I put twine through their God dang dewlaps. lt made no difference." "Twine through their dewlaps, Mr Wiggins?" "Protection against that goldarn clostridium." "It's all over my top pasture." "That's no good - they need an injection." "I'll speak to my brother - one of us will mosey on up there tomorrow." "Right." "Hey, you young 'uns... don't you bother about me back here, you just carry on doing what comes naturally." "'lt's nothing to laugh at.' - 'l can't help it, it's him.'" "'Make him stop!" "'" "'Who?" "' - 'Him.'" "The whole evening sounds like a disaster." "Actually, it wasn't." "You know the Plaza, the big picture turned out not to be Ken Maynard but George Formby." "Mr Wiggins left in disgust." "There we are, Mrs Smethurst." "One shilling, please." "Thank you very much." "There we are..." "Got him?" " Yes, thank you." "Bye-bye. I won't keep you a moment." "She's quite a girl, James." " Oh, yes." "Though I am led to believe there is madness in the family." "What?" "Coming all the way from Edinburgh just to see you?" "Seeing her again?" " Going for a picnic this afternoon." "Have you got this afternoon off?" " Er, no." "No problem there." "I have a plan, flawlessly conceived and stunningly simple." "It's psychology, James." "That's what one needs." "Especially dealing with Siegfried." "It's time my brother had a dose of his own medicine." "Psychology." "Ah, James." " Yes?" "Planning to visit the Barratts?" " This afternoon." "There's been a message - dog had a bad night." "Oh, I'll nip out after lunch, thanks." " OK." "Excuse me." "Siegfried?" " Tristan." "I'm a bit worried." "is there a strike of local draymen impending?" "About Mother." "Mother?" " l'm beginning to feel bad about her." "The way I've been neglecting her." "I hardly ever go near her." "You see her twice a week." "Your absence hasn't distressed her unduly." "Well, she wouldn't let on." "But it bothers me, Siegfried." "I feel guilty about it." "So I thought as there isn't much on, I'd pop over there." "If that's all right." " Absolutely splendid idea." "I thought you'd be pleased." " l'm delighted." "Tell you what...we'll both go." "We can't possibly do that." " Why can't we?" "We couldn't leave James to cope alone." "Oh, I don't mind." " He doesn't mind." "I'd rather like to see Mother alone." "What have you been up to?" " Nothing." "I thought it was time we had one of our heart-to-hearts." "Just the two of us - about my future." "After all, I'm not getting any younger." "Yes, I do see." "Perhaps I would be in the way." " Definitely." "Right." "Give her my love." " Right." "Right." " Well, I'll get off, then." "Oh, Tristan?" " Yes?" "Tell her... I do hope she enjoys the picnic." "One thing Mrs Hall does superlatively well is pack a picnic basket." "Yes, Siegfried." " Help yourself to a bottle of claret." "Very partial to my claret, Mama." "Thanks, Siegfried." "Honestly." "He tries to pull the wool over my eyes... lf he's going out with some woman, I wish he'd use his imagination and come up with something plausible." "Going to see Mother, honestly..." "Sometimes, the younger generation bring me to despair." "Yes." " "Psychology"." "He's dying." "When he's dead..." "I'm going." "For good." "You'll not find anybody else to keep you." "What a rough man you are." " That were the attraction, weren't it?" "I don't know why I ever married you." "You were desperate, weren't you?" "Gathering dust." "I must've been." "Mr Barratt." " You took your time." "I'm very sorry. I came as soon as I could - we do have other clients." "How's the dog?" " Worse again." "You've been giving him those tablets?" " Course." "I'm sorry, Mr Barratt, it does not look good." "There must be summat you can do?" "Yes, there is one thing I can do." "Just about the kindest thing, I'd say." "No." " Your dog's kidneys are packing up." "Short of finding him another kidney, there's not a thing we can do." "He's in some distress now and he's gonna get steadily worse." "Been doing this job long, have you?" " Long enough." "I'd like Mr Farnon to look at him." "Just as you please, Mr Barratt." "Excuse me." "Gotcha!" "Oh, no, you haven't." "Beg for mercy!" " l won't!" "Beg for mercy!" " Mercy!" "Oh!" "It's loose, it's going to fall!" " Serves you right." "Don't be a beast." "Help me or I'll fall in." "Tristan!" "Now you can't get away." "Oh!" "Are you all right?" " Oh, fine" "Poor old fella." "Now..." "Let's have a look." "Yes, well, it's acute nephritis." "That's kidney failure." "It's not going to get any better, it will get rapidly worse." "I'm sorry, Mr Barratt, but as my partner has explained, the only merciful thing to do is to put this poor fellow out of his agony." "No." " George!" "For God's sake." "My dog." " Our dog!" "I said no!" "As you say, he's your dog but I should point out it's nothing short of cruelty to keep him alive for one moment longer than necessary." "If you have any real affection for him, you'll let us do the job here and now." "You can send me your bill." "Very well." "Come along, James." "Good day." "Well, for God's sake, why?" "You're simply prolonging it." "It simply doesn't make sense." " What doesn't?" "It's out of character - Barratt loves animals." "He's a failure with people but he loves animals." "Why let the animal suffer like that?" "There must be a missing factor." " What do you mean?" "Don't you find when you're unsure of something there's a missing factor, something you're not aware of?" "I suppose so." "Anyway, there's not much I can do about it." "Other two out?" "Siegfried's gone to see Mother." " Oh, really?" "Tristan's showing Alice around the surgery." "What do you think of her?" " They make a handsome couple." "Really?" " Yes." "Doesn't bear thinking about." " What?" "Tristan en route for the altar?" "Treading on her train, hiccupping over the vicar." "He's too young to die!" "And, er...yes." "That's about all there is to it, really." "Very interesting, though." " Yes." "You're away tomorrow, then?" "Wish you weren't." "Do you have to?" " She's expecting me tomorrow." "Say you've been unavoidably detained." "Held by a maniac who dives into rivers and drives through buildings." "I don't like letting people down." " lt's just an extra day." "You've not seen anything of the place yet." "Oh, I don't know." "You'll be working anyway." "You can come around with me." "Could I do that?" " Of course!" "James and Helen often did it when they were courting." "I suppose I could stay one more day." " Great!" "is she on the phone?" "Give her a ring." "In fact, give her a ring now." "Right." " Right." "Oh, Mr Blenkiron." " Evenin'." "I suppose you realise one of your front lights isn't working?" "I was intending to get it mended." "Mm." "See you do." "There's no need to leave your lights on all night." "In your own back alley?" "Hello, Mrs Barratt." "It's about Bruce, my dog." "I'd like you to come out to him, please." "is there really any point?" "We've done everything we can." "I'd like him put to sleep." "And Mr Barratt?" " l've talked to him." "He agrees." "I'll come out as soon as I can." " Thank you." "Thank heavens for that, James." " Yes." "Morning!" " Morning, Tris." "I do wish you wouldn't whistle in here in that tuneless fashion." "I've been told I have a particularly tuneful whistle." "I've been complimented on it." "By who?" "The Darrowby bell-ringers?" "If there's one thing more tuneless than your whistling it's their blasted campanology." "There's your list." "is she going today?" "Miss McTavish?" " Er, no." "I thought she was." " She changed her mind." "Not paying another visit to Mother?" " No." "I'm taking her on the rounds with me." "She's looking forward to it." "See you." "Morning, Mr Wiggins." "Come to see the heifers." "Howdy, son." "You're in time to see me win my bet." "Just watch my dust." "Bloody Norah!" " God darn it." "Keep out of the dag-blasted way, will thee?" "Look out!" "Ornery critters." "If it's any consolation, he won't feel a thing." "It really is just like going to sleep." "I have seen animals put down before, you know." "I'm sorry there wasn't more we could do, Mr Barratt." "Not your fault." "Right." "Stupid of me...holding you up." "No..." " Only now she'll go, you see." "There's nowt to stop her." "All she were hanging on for." "I see." "You're wed, aren't you?" " Yes." "Happily, I'll bet." " Yes, actually." "Doesn't work out for some folk." "You find yourself doing things, saying things... I don't know why." "Thanks, anyway." "I'll, erm..." "I'll be away." "It's done then?" "Aye." "So now you'll be off?" "Yes." "Don't go, Mary." "I have to. I need peace." "Perhaps... we were set in our ways." "Do you think Wiggins did work in the Wild West?" "I shouldn't think he's ever been further than Pontefract." "How about Alice?" "Enjoy herself?" " Very much, yes." "Good." "What do you think of her, Helen?" " What do you think of her?" "I think I'm in love with her." "Oh." "I don't know when it happened, when it was different, you know." "Probably when I was on my back in the river, seeing her laugh." "It's serious, is it?" " As serious as it can get." "What sort of a prospect am I?" "I'm not even qualified yet." "Probably never shall be the way I'm going." "Britain's longest running student." "An incentive for you." "Next time you take your finals." "There is that, I suppose." "Does she know how you feel?" " l'm sure she does." "Question is, how does she feel about me?" "She, er, did come all this way to see you." "She did stay an extra day when you asked her to." "She might even stay longer, if you ask her... nicely." "Yes. I suppose she might at that." "Oh, hello." " ls Tristan in, please?" "He's in t'living room." "Go on through." " Thank you." "Oh, I was just going to call for you." " l thought I better come here." "I've got to leave. I've just had this phone call from home." "My father's been taken ill, some sort of heart attack." "Have they any idea how serious?" "Pretty bad, you know." "So, that's it. I'm away." "I'll take you to the bus stop." " Thank you, that would be a help." "Goodbye, Helen." "Thank you for everything." "I hope he's all right." " Aye." "But my mother's anything but well herself, you know." "Bye." " Bye-bye." "Well, I'll see you some more, then." "Ring and let me know how things go?" " Yes, of course." "Well, goodbye, Trissy." "See you soon." " All right."