"I don't care about hair." "It grows, it shrinks." "You can't get attached." "Plus, you should feel very confident 'cause I'm a lot better at this when I'm not in the middle of an obsessive-compulsive meltdown." "(CELL PHONE CHIMING)" "Fuck." "Ripped By mstoll" " What?" " (CAROLINE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)" "Wait..." "I can't hear you." "Calm down." "Breathe from your stomach." " Where are you?" " (BLOWING)" "CAROLINE:" "I'm at the end of my rope." "Are you serious?" "I need your address..." "Okay, okay, Okay." "1616 India Street." "Yes, see you in a bit." "Who did you just give our address to?" " (SLAMS CELL PHONE)" " My sister." "I mean, I guess I should've known what was going on from the beginning, you know?" "But he had so many pets and he was so good to them." "How could a man who loves animals with such a haunting totality just turn around and brutally rebuff me?" " It doesn't make sense." " It's shocking." " It is." " So, I don't fucking get it." "He just dropped you by the side of the road?" "Yeah, right to the guardrail." ""Go," he said, "I'm saving you from me."" "I hitched to the nearest bus station, and a very sweet, sad-eyed clerk took pity on me and gave me a ticket." "Thank God." "I am so sorry this happened." "I really am." "Thank you so much." "You're so sweet." "I promise I won't avail myself of your hospitality for very long." "Fuck, no." "You're not availing yourself of it at all." "Adam, we have a spare room." "We're happy to have you stay with us for as long as you need to..." "No, she can't." "You're not staying." "You can wipe your nose with some toilet paper, then you can fucking get lost." "I understand your frustration with me, Addie, I really do." "But I have nowhere to get lost to, okay?" "I'm unemployed and homeless." "I got fired because apparently nobody trusts a young, beautiful teacher." "They only want old, stinky ones." "Horrible double standard in our culture." "Believe me, this is the last place in the world I want to be." "Obviously it's not the last place because you're here even though I told you you're never welcome to stay with me again after you tried to euthanize Grandma Helen." "She asked me to!" "She said she was terminal!" "I'm sorry that I believed our dying grandma!" "There's not a fucking chance!" "Not a fucking chance in hell, Liney." "I don't know why you're being so mean to her, okay?" "We have this whole extra bedroom for exactly this purpose." "We have all that fancy soap I stole from my parents' hotel." " I don't get why you're doing this." " You don't know..." "I know you're just trying to be nice, but there is no being nice to this girl." "She destroys everything in her wake." " That's not possible." " She can't stay." "I know her better than you do." "Trust me, please." "I'm not being a dick." " Okay, I trust you." " Thank you." "You're welcome." " No." " Okay." "(WHAT I AM PLAYING)" "I'm not aware of too many things" "I know what I know, if you know what I mean" "Mean" " Philosophy..." " Philosophy ...Is the talk on a cereal box" " Religion..." " Religion ...is the smile on a dog" "Yeah" "I'm not aware of too many things" "I know what I know, if you know what I mean" "Mean" "Do yeah..." "MARNIE:" "Look, I just need you to take this video down." "I don't have the password, but it is my face, okay?" "lam in the video." "I can give you proof of that." "It's me." "No, it's my..." "Yeah, it's my face." "I am in the video." "What more do you want?" "Do you want me to send you proof of identification or something so you know it's me?" "I can do that." "I could, like, text you my driver's license or something." "I'm not gonna ask him for it because I fucking hate him." "He broke my heart." "He, like, ruined my fucking life." "I'm not gonna get in touch with him." "You are a moron!" "Seriously?" "Why can't you understand this?" "No, no, no, no, no." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I did not mean to offend you." "I'm really, really sorry." "What's your name?" "Marcel?" "My name's Marnie." "I really apologize for losing my temper at you." " (BRUSHING) - (FAUCET SQUEAKS)" "Hey, Caroline." "I am so sorry, but I forgot that my friend, Kerrity is coming to stay here." "She's an old gymnastics friend, and I just don't feel comfortable leaving her in the lurch..." "I understand." "It's totally okay, Hannah." "I'll be fine." " Okay, great." " l'm really not as fragile as he thinks I am." " Okay, good. (CHUCKLES) - l'm really a good old girl." " Good." " But if you did have some arnica for these bruises on my thigh, that would be so helpful." "Did you run into something, or is that more of, like, an abuse scenario?" " 'Cause those are really..." " You know, I don't know what to call a provoked physical attack by someone you love." " I really don't." " ADAM:" "He fucking hit you?" " Where is he now?" " CAROLINE: (SIGHS) It's not that simple." "You know, I have a much more complex view of these things." "I have recently become just keenly aware" "Of the challenge that I present to those who surround me, and I was..." "Do you want to come to my birthday party?" "I mean, I don't know, it might be totally lame, and I'm not sure..." "My mom and my best friend are organizing." "It could be just ridiculous, but maybe it'll take your mind off things and, who knows?" " It would be my honor." " (DOOR SLAMS SHUT)" " Thank you." " Good." " Thank you." " Good." "Adam, can I borrow pants, a shin, and a dickey for the birthday party, please?" "RAY:" "Did I mention the drug test we require of all new employees?" " I'm kidding." "Welcome aboard." " (CHUCKLES)" "See you next week." "So, is that the first hire?" "Yeah, 'cause you made me lake all the Bad News Bears from the old location, which is bullshit." "Loyalty will get you everywhere." "You know, if you wrote down all these business lessons, then you wouldn't have to spout embarrassing platitudes in public." "Think about that." "The fact is, Ray, I won't be spouting platitudes much longer." "(SIGHS) I know, you're sick." "The thing is, if you don't tell me what you're sick with, then I can't help you." "And furthermore, I can't care." "That is heartwarming, Ray." "Ray, I love you." "Like a son." "I love you like a bastard son." "I love you, too, Hermie." "I do, and I have to admit... (SIGHS)" "I'm kinda scared, you know?" "Life can be terrifying, even if you're not sick." "No, no, I'm scared of being a boss." "Like, a real, legitimate boss, you know?" "Of making decisions for the entire team." "Of having boundaries and respecting those boundaries." "Of being the type of man that can handle all this shit." "It's simple, Ray." "Don't hit anyone, don't shtup anyone, clean so that rats don't get tempted, and you got yourself a business." "Don't shtup anybody?" " Yeah." " Okay, okay." "All right." "If it's really that simple, I can do that." "I can do that for you, but I'm telling you, you're gonna outlive us all." "You'll see, you're gonna be like Ingmar fucking Bergman." "He said he was gonna die every day." "He lived to his late 80s on his own private Swedish island." "Think about it, Hermie." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" " Ray!" " MARNIE:" "Yay!" "Holla!" "Happy birthday!" "Surprise!" " lt's not a surprise party." " Oh. (LAUGHS)" " I'm still so excited." "I have no idea why he said that." "I specifically told him not to. (GIGGLES)" "I forgot." "This is so amazing that you guys are doing this for me." "We're just paying." "Marnie's done so much." "I can't believe you're turning 25." " Where does the time go?" " I don't know." " TAD:" "You look so wonderful." " Thank you." "Doesn't she?" "I keep telling her she could look like this every day if she wanted." "LOREEN:" "You really look great, sweetie." "Oh, this is Adam's sister, Caroline." " Oh, hi." " Just so healthy and clean," " and just, you know, wow." " HANNAH:" "Mom, I get it." "Hey." "Mmm." "Oh, hi. (CHUCKLES)" " Oh, golly." " (KISSES)" " Okay, okay, okay." "That's enough." " (LOREEN LAUGHS)" "And you remember Adam from my period of mental illness." "Hey, so fucking good to see you, Mr. Horvath." " You're fucking right." " Mrs. Horvath." " How are you?" " Just a family affair, huh?" "It's great you could make it, Caroline." "Anyway, so you guys should all go get drinks." "We're paying for all of the liquor until 10:00 p.m." "We are paying." "And if you do want to get a drink, just use the passcode, which is "banana."" "Banana." " Banana, banana." " (SHUSHES)" "Yep, it is, and if you say it too loudly, everyone else will hear it and then they'll get free drinks, so just keep it to yourself, yeah." "I'm gonna show you around." " Hannah..." " (MOUTHING)" "I'll be right back." "So, Caroline, how old are you?" "I love your hat." "You're so great to do this, especially considering everything you're dealing with, with Charlie and..." "Are you joking?" "This is, like, the nicest distraction for me to have." "It's so good for me to, like, throw myself into this." "And I'll have a bunch of party pictures that I can post to Instagram 'cause I know he checks it." " He definitely checks it." " He fucking checks it." " Happy birthday, boo!" " Hi, how are you, Tako?" "Happy birthday." "This is Prietta." " Hey, good to meet you." " This is my love." "Where's Adam?" "He's stuck with my parents." "Please go rescue him." " I'll be back." " Sorry." "I just have something to show you." "Awesome." "Laird!" "LAIRD:" "Hannah, hi." "On the occasion of your birthday, I present..." "You know what?" "You can just go ahead and leave that in the back room" " with the rest of the presents." " I am so sorry." "Bye, Laird." " Tinu!" "Hi!" " TINU;" "Oh, hey!" "Happy birthday." " No." " I'll find you in a second." "Just really quick." "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" " Boo!" " (GASPS) Oh, my God!" " Happy birthday!" " Hello, darling." " Hi." " You look amaze, birthday girl." " Thank you." " I have some drinks for everybody." "Thank you." " This is great." "Cheers." " (ALL CHEERING)" "Twenty fucking five." " HANNAH:" "That's how old I am." " Oh, my God." "I cannot believe it." "How does it feel?" " It feels great." " SHOSHANNA:" "Yeah?" "Being 25 is great." "It's really amazing that all three of you have accomplished so little in the four years since college." "I mean, think about it." "Four years." "Four years is, like, nothing." "Your 21st birthday feels like yesterday to me." "Do you remember, we sang the duet from Rent?" "Oh, my God, we sang Take Me or Leave Me." " It was atrocious." " It was so fun." "It was the happiest we've ever been, remember?" "(CHUCKLES)" "We should do it again." "There's a stage right there." "Marnie, I cherish you on an interpersonal level," "I love this party." "The last thing I want to do is sing anything from Rent." "Okay." "(SINGING) Choke me in the shallow water..." "MARNIE:" "Guys, I really wish you weren't watching this right now." "HANNAH:" "Marnie, it's not that bad." "I just..." "Charlie made me do it and then he, like, put it on YouTube and he was like, "Ta-da."" "But should've been like, "Fuck you." "Here's the video."" "Marnie, you were definitely complicit in the creation of this." "SHOSHANNA:" "Why don't you just call him and ask for his password?" "MARNIE:" "I don't want to fucking call him, and I do not want to know his password." "Maybe his password is, "I shape my pubes into a neat box."" "People are so mean in the comment section." "Oh, my God, it's crazy." ""Please stab this Disney princess in the face and shut her the fuck up."" "Don't..." "I don't want to read..." "I don't read comments." "SHOSHANNA:" "This guy likes your tits." "(SINGING)" "Hey." "You're not dancing." "No, I'm not." "You're not fucking dancing." "I'm not fucking dancing." "Dance with me." "I'm gonna pass." "Oh, don't be so stoic." "Dance with me." "Really, I'm okay." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I leave my body during sex." "It's called disassociation." "It's an anxiety symptom." "Listen, I just got out of a relationship, okay?" "And my ex is here and I'm not really in the mood to talk..." "What?" "I said I'm not really in the mood to talk to..." "I cam hear you." "Can you come a little closer?" " I said I'm not really in the mood..." " (GROWLS)" "Ow!" "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "(LAUGHS)" "Sorry?" "Jesus Christ." "Excuse me?" "Hello?" " Barkeep!" " Good luck." "This guy apparently hates serving people." "It's like his biggest pet peeve, doing his job." "You can tell he fancies himself one of these mixologists, right?" "RAY:" "Dude, they're not going home with you, okay?" "Be reasonable." "Zombie flirt." " (POPS)" " Oh." "I like your style." " I'm Ray." " Kobi." "Kobi." "Good man, Kobi." "Good man, indeed." "So, what brings you out here tonight, Kobi?" "Why does any guy come to a place where there's dancing?" " A girl told me to come." " (CHUCKLES)" "Right." "And who is this tantalizing vixen?" "Hmm?" "Shoshanna Shapiro." "Oh, you know her?" "A little bit." "Yeah, how'd you guys meet?" "On the street, actually." " On the street?" " This girl is crazy." "I mean, she was drunk and she just screams," ""Hey, hottie." "You know where I can find some dank weed?"" "So I'm telling her, and then her and her friends pull me into a cab with them." " It was like a Cîroc commercial, I swear." " Oh." "That's crazy." "Oh, dude, she's got some pretty diverting friends, so maybe..." "Yeah." "(I'D RATHER DANCE WITH YOU PLAYING)" "HANNAH:" "They always do that." "ADAM:" "It's so fucking cool." "Carmine's being okay, right?" "Uh..." "Well, so far, but I'm telling you, she starts out great, and then she'll flush all your fish down the toilet because they need to be free." "She's mean in her heart, Hannah." "She's the opposite of you." "She's mean inside." "I can be really mean." "She's a selfish fucking disaster." "She doesn't even have the common courtesy to implode alone." "All must go down with her." "Okay." "I really hear you, but she's being fine tonight, and she's not staying with us." "She's not staying with us." "Adam, I always have terrible birthdays." " It's kind of my thing." " (CHUCKLES)" "So can we please just try and have fun?" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "No?" " No, we can't?" " Yes, we can." " Hey!" " Yes, we can." "(LAUGHING)" "(DOOR OPENS)" "Hey." "Shosh, hey." "Hi." "Hows it going?" "Um, good." "(SIGHS) You're here for..." "Hannah's birthday." "Hannah's birthday, right." "Of course." "Me, too." " Right." " Well, yeah." " That makes sense." " Makes sense." "How are things?" "I'm doing well." "Yeah, thanks." "Things are good." "Really good, actually." "I moved into Adam's old place in Prospect Heights..." " Oh, wow." " Which is really nice." "It's nice to have running water and drapes and stuff." "My aunt, Helene, you may remember, is a decorator for restaurants out in Syosset, so she's really helping me gel the place all slicked out, looking legit." " Right." " So that's nice." "And the new Grumpy's opened up." "It's doing really well." "Better than we expected." " That's great." " Yeah, so..." "Hermie wants to name the new place Ray's, which is pretty cool." "Oh, wow." "That's cool 'cause H's your name." "Yeah, we got eight new employees, which I hired directly." "One of my many responsibilities as manager." "And if things go really well, in a few months, we might install a..." "(SIGHS) I'm sorry." "I can't..." "I just don't..." "I'm sorry." "I don't..." "I don't think I want to befriends with you." "Um, okay." "I just don't..." "I don't want to be polite with you, I don't want to have small talk with you." "I just don't think..." "Anyway, enjoy your evening." "Enjoy your life." "Cool cigarette." "I heard neck tattoos are the new sunglasses." "I hope so." "DAVID:" "Hey, ho!" "Let's go!" "HANNAH:" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "ADAM:" "Oh, my God." "It's Ed Norton." " I love him." " DAVID:" "Hannah." "Thai is not Ed Norton." "That is my editor, David." "I have no idea what he's doing here." "Hannah?" "ADAM:" "What is he doing here?" "Well, I told him about it like, in the context of a story." "I didn't think he'd actually come." "DAVID:" "Any of you scruffy trust-funders seen Hannah?" "David!" " Honey." " Hey." "Hi." "It is I, David Pressler-Goings." "(LAUGHING) I'm sorry." " Hi." " Hi." "I am so glad you could make it." "Then you should have invited me." "Not that I would've accepted." "I just happened to be in the neighborhood because somebody bitched out on me yet again." "Some little baby fucking bitch." "So I thought I would drop by and see how the kids are partying." " Hello, my name is Marnie Michaels." " Hi." "I am prominently featured in many of Hannah's essays." "You certainly are." "I'm so glad I didn't wear that dress." " (CHUCKLES)" " And this is my boyfriend, Adam." "Hey, it's a great and good pleasure to make your acquaintance." "Adam." "(STUTTERING) Adam." "Adam, Adam." "Adam, come here." "Could you get me a tall glass of still water and an Internet-enabled cell phone of some kind?" "I've got the Internet-enabled phone." "Just dry..." "Dry mouth." "And you will go and get the water." "I'm just gonna download Grindr on this, just temporarily." " Cool." " Sure, yeah." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" " lt's not really my thing." " Yeah." "(CHEERING)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Where is she going?" "MARNIE:" "Oh, that was so great." "Thank you guys so much." "(FEEDBACK)" "MARNIE:" "Hello, hi, um..." "My name is Marnie Michaels, and as many of you know, we are here tonight to celebrate Hannah's 25th birthday." "She's right there, the birthday girl." "She's wearing her "Birthday Bitch" hat, like she oughta." " MAN:" "Whoo!" " Um..." "It means a lot that you're all here, and we love you a lot, and most importantly, Hannah loves you a lot, and what better thing to do on this night than to celebrate the birth of one of my personal favorite people" "on the entire planet, my Hannah?" "(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "(SEXY AND I KNOW IT PLAYING)" "MAN:" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Fuck!" "Excuse me, why did you stop playing the great song, that I requested, and start playing this piece of shit song?" "(SCOFFS) Because that's what DJs do." "We switch from one song to another." "Who asked you to change songs?" "That little dude dancing over there." "RAY:" "That guy?" "That silver elf over there?" "DJ:" "Yes." "RAY:" "Poor man's Anderson Cooper?" "He told me to call him the Mixmaster General." "That guv?" "I love you so much, Happy 25th birthday." "And I actually would like to invite you to the stage" " because I have a little bit of a surprise - (GASPS) for you and for everybody else." "So if you could some on up here and join me that would be great." " Go, go, go." " So let's give a warm round of applause for the birthday girl." "Yay." "(CHEERING)" "You can start the song." " Yay." " (TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME PLAYING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "This is an encore performance." "(SINGING) Every single day I walk down the street" "I hear people say, "Baby, so sweet"" "Ever since puberty everybody stares at me" "Boys, girls I can't help it, baby" "So be kind and don't lose your mind..." "When you accept my request, we enter a contract." " Why are you still talking?" " Okay?" "A contract between DJ and listener." "And now, based on your actions, you have failed to honor that contract." "Well, I guess my life is over, then." " Be off." " It's a breach!" "Breach of contract." "(SEXY AND I KNOW IT CONTINUES PLAYING)" "(HUMMING)" "Excuse me?" "Are you the guy I just messaged?" "'Cause you don't look like your picture." "Did you tell the DJ to stop playing my song and start playing this piece of shit song?" "You're welcome." "Okay, let me tell you something." "That's not how it works, okay?" " How does it work?" " I'll tell you the way it works." "There's a queue, okay?" "And this is the way the queue works, okay?" "This is the logic of the queue." "My song plays first because I asked first." "Your song plays after that because you did not ask first." " (LAUGHS)" " Songs should never, ever, ever, ever end in the middle." "Okay?" "It's not fair to end things in the middle." "Do you understand?" " Whoa, are you on coke?" " What?" "No!" "Do you have any coke?" "Do you understand the concept of the queue?" "Do you?" "It's the only thing separating us from the animals!" "And now I have grown weary of you!" "Jesus." " Hey, dick nose..." "Did you hear what..." " Fuck." "(GRUNTS)" "Not even close." " (GROANS) - (BOTTLES CLINKING)" "Oh, man." "Whoa, what a heady dust up." "I've never felt more alive." "I work out." "Come on, let's hug it out." " Come on, brother." " What?" "I got 40 more good years." "Let's hug it out." "Come on." "(SINGING) I look before I leap" "Margins and discipline" "I make lists in my sleep" "Baby, what's my sin?" "Quit, I follow through" "Fight!" "I hate mess, but I love you" "What to do with my impromptu baby?" "Just keep going." "Be kind, don't lose... (PEOPLE CLAMORING)" "MAN:" "Fight!" "Oh, no, no." "It's not about your voice." "It's something else going on." "There's a fight." "Take me for what I am..." "Just stay." "Who I was meant to be..." "You can stay." "And if you give a damn" "Take me baby or leave me" "What's this from?" "(KISSES)" "Did Caroline leave on her own or was she kicked out for, like, trying to steal a light fixture or something?" "I don't know, but she was definitely gone before Ray got punched in the face." "That's too bad." "That kind of shit's right in her wheelhouse." "(GRUNTS)" "Yes?" "I made you something." "Oh, is it drugs?" "(GASPS)" "It's my tooth." "I love it." "No." "Well, it's either mine or Caroline's." "My mom put them all in one box." "But it's definitely my genetic material." "I love it." "I love it so much." "I love it." "Happy birthday." "Thank you." "I love my necklace." "I have to pee." "Go wait for me." "I'll be right back." "Thank you." "(SCREAMS)" "What?" "I'm sorry, it's Caroline." "She just really scared me." "(GLASS SHATTERS)" "HANNAH;" "No, what did you do?" "ADAM:" "Jesus Christ." "CAROLINE:" "What did you do?" "ADAM:" "Fuck me." "Stop, stop, stop." "Why are you even bothering?" "You don't even care if I'm on the street." "Why did I even join the teachers' union, huh?" " I need a towel or something." " Mmm-hmm." "Some water." "Thank you, Hannah." "Thank you so much for your compassion." "It's okay." "I'm so sorry." "I just..." "I get mixed up, you know?" "I don't mean to be like this." "I never mean to do it." "It's awful, you know?" "(SOBBING) It's just awful to be like this." "You just need a good night's sleep." "I understand." "(CONTINUES SOBBING)" " Oh, my God." " I told you." "She got in." "I told you." "And she won." "Okay?" "She won." " Do you still want to have sex?" " No." "That makes sense." "(POP SONG PLAYING) Ripped By mstoll"