"Camden County was having a heat wave." "Me and Randy wanted to cool off in the pool." "Unfortunately, we weren't the only ones." "When do you think the mice are going to be done swimming ?" "I think they are done Randy." "They're just never getting out of the pool." "We can soak our feet in these, but my manager says we got to put the ice back in the machines when we're finished." "I wish we had air conditioning." "What Randy said got me thinking about someone else who probably wished he had air conditioning." "He's #26 on my list." "A few years back while Camden was in the middle of another heat wave, me and Randy were in the middle of a crime wave." "Usually, we broke into houses looking for cool stuff." "During the heat wave, we were happy just to find cool." "Man, if everyone who had one of these would just open up their doors and share, we wouldn't have this stupid heat wave." "I'm going shirts up." "Hey..." " Hey..." " Hey..." "You guys want a sandwich ?" "Luckily for us, Woody smoked a lot of weed, and it never crossed his mind that we were burglars." "He just assumed we were people he knew." "I could eat." "The right and proper thing to do would have been to clean him out and move on, but because of the heat wave, we decided to rob one piece at a time and enjoy the cool air." "We thought we were busted for sure when Woody caught us rolling his fridge through the living room." "But apparently, something called the munchies made it hard for him to concentrate on things, like, well, where the hell he was." "We even tried smoking weed for the first time, but it wasn't for us." "I kept having to check to see if I peed myself." "And poor Randy was so high, he spent four and a half hours looking for his nose." "Seriously, guys, did you hide it from me ?" "Eventually, there was only one thing left to steal." "Go, go, go !" "Hey, Woody." "Uh, just adjusting the air here." "I was sad to leave, but once we took the AC, well, there was no reason to stay." "Come on, Randy, it's time to take care of #26." "I need to give that stoner guy his AC back." "It's too hot I can't take it anymore !" "Nice splash, Randy." "That got most of the mice out." "We sold everything we took from Woody except for the AC, which was still at Joy's." " Hey Crab Man." " Hey Earl." "What is that thing, a robot ?" "My deaf lawyer said that if I could pass a lie detector test saying that I didn't steal that truck, it'll help my case." "So, I stole this old one from a swap meet." "Don't bother trying to explain the irony ; she doesn't see it." "Look, I got bad news." "I need to take your air conditioner back to the guy I stole it from." "Well, you're out of luck." "We don't have an AC anymore." "All right, we do have an air conditioner, but it's not the one you stole." "Darnell, unhook me from this thing so I can have a normal conversation with Earl." "Sorry, Joy, I'm taking it." "Fine !" "It's got nasty yellow jackets in it anyway." "Hope you get stung." "Could you hook me up to the machine and ask it if I'm ever gonna get married ?" "Well, I can tell you the answer to that." "We stopped by Woody's apartment, but his landlord told us he'd moved out a couple of years before." "Luckily, he left a forwarding address." "This is it." "Man, these hippies are crazy, Randy." "That dude just ate something that was growing out of the ground." "You think that's weird." "There's a chick over there squeezing on a goat's ta-tas." "All right, look, we'll just get this over with and get out of here." "Uh, excuse me." "Uh, excuse me." "Can I help you ?" " There's a naked old lady in the bush..." " I know Randy." " What do we do ?" "What do we do ?" " Just don't panic." "Don't panic." " Randy, you're panicking." " What do we do ?" "Don't panic !" "Don't panic !" "Hello." "Uh, ma'am, we're looking for a guy named" "Woody Maruzak." "He's over there fixing that house." "I'll show you." "No no." "We'll find him." "Woody ?" "Earl and Randy Hickey." "Hey, Earl and Randy Hickey." "Look, I got to warn you." "There's a naked old lady in your bushes." "Oh, yeah, that's Nora ;" "she's a nudist." "Kind of weird, if you ask me." "But then again, it might be a little weird that I live in a dung cottage." "What's dung ?" "'Cause it smells like cow ploppies." "Well, it's got cow ploppies in it, along with straw and a little mud for insulation." "Well, what do you know ?" "Cow crap houses." "That's interesting." "Not interesting, Earl, crazy." "He puts poo on his walls." "That's what crazy people do." "While Randy tried to fight the smell," "I explained to Woody about my list and why I was there." "And it took a little longer than normal 'cause not all of Woody's brain cells have quite grown back yet." "That's great, that is really beautiful." "You've really changed your life." "I'm proud of you." "I got to be honest, though." "I have no idea who you are." "I don't know if you know this, but I used to partake a little bit in the doobage." "In fact, thanks to the drugs, there were huge sections of Woody's life he didn't remember." "Until he woke up one day out of pot and accidentally sober." "They say you never change your life until you've really hit bottom." "And it helps that you hit it from a thousand feet up." "That's when I quit drugs and moved up here to Sunshine Collective." "We're an off-the-grid commune, totally self-sufficient, grow our own food and live completely free of electricity." "Man, that weed stays in your system a long time, doesn't it ?" "So, where do you want me to put the AC ?" "And don't worry, I'm going to take you shopping for the other stuff we stole." "No can do, Earl." "I don't need any of those items of convenience anymore." "But I got to do something, or I can't cross you off my list." "Hmm." "Well, I see your pickle." "Hmm." "How about this ?" "You and your brother, you both seem like you're pretty good polluters." "What makes you say that ?" "You've been here a half hour and your car's still running." "Oh, no, that's just so we can keep the fan on." "We got a couple of Styrofoam cups of soda in it we want to keep cool." "Well, how about this ?" "Why don't you stay with us for a week, see what we're all about ?" "At the very least, you'll reduce your eco footprint while you're here." "You sure you don't want a radio or something ?" "We got one back at the motel that doesn't even take electricity." "We put batteries in it." "I'm sorry, that's all I can think of." "Just one week, right ?" "Don't worry, you're going to love it." "Hey, Nora !" "Do you mind if these boys bunk with you for a few days ?" "I call a middle." "...had straw mattresses, which were actually comfortable once you got used to the straw poking in your back." "We should get out of here, Earl." "This place isn't natural." "You know what someone told me last night ?" "They said they don't believe in plastic." "That's just crazy !" "Plastic exists ;" "I've seen it." "We can't leave, Randy." "Sometimes I just have to deal with strange people on this list." "Morning, dudes ;" "time to get to work." " Okay, see you when you get back." " No no." "You guys got to work." "With you guys here, we got two more mouths to feed." "Up and at them !" "You heard him." "Let's do this." "Five more minutes." "Come on, Randy, wakey, wakey, hands up." "Randy, Randy, Randy, there's a snake." "Randy, get up, there's a snake !" "The first day, we learned that being off the grid means stuff that should be easy took a lot of work." "First, you search the woods for fallen branches." "Then you drag them back here, you debark the wood for the mulch pile, then you chop the rest to fire up the boiler." "Then, after about three hours, you got five minutes of hot water." "Now, if you take your shower, you clean the soot from the boiler, you put it in the ash pit, and then we can make soap out if it later." "Guess who won't be taking showers." "Yeah." "The second day, we learned that stuff that should be complicated was way too simple." "The bathroom is a bucket, Earl." "Of course it is, Randy." "Where do you think all this compost comes from ?" "The third day, we learned these hippie people could do some pretty amazing things." "So you guys can make your own shirts ?" "We make a lot of our own clothes on this loom." "Fruit of the loom." "It all makes sense now." "And every day, we learned when you grow your own food, you get vegetables at every meal." "Even if they try to fool you into thinking it's something else." "Hey, that's a fine-looking "burrito"." "Ooh..." ""Pizza."" "You got to love beet-loaf." "I need to eat an animal." "As the week went on, Randy wasn't doing well." "And by the sixth day, I was really worried about him." "Hey, guys." "I know you've been having a little trouble unplugging from the grid, so I spoke to the gang." "We thought we'd give you a little treat." "You like the TV show "Friends" ?" "Yeah." "We thought we'd put it on for you." "Cheer you up a little." "Come on." "Hi, Joey." "Hi, Rachel." "How you doing ?" "What's happening ?" "These are real people." "Where's the TV ?" "We don't have a TV, but one of our members was a huge fan." "Today's episode is loosely based on what she remembers of" ""The One With the Evil Orthodontist."" "Hey... it's Chandler." "Hey, Chandler, is it hot out today ?" "Could it be any hotter ?" "Whoa, did I just say that out loud ?" "Hey, Ross has a monkey." "Oh, man, I've seen this episode." "Chandler hooks up with Monica." "This sucks !" "I want to watch real TV." "I want real food." "Sorry everyone." "When my brother gets hungry, he gets kind of like an angry, dizzy hulk thing going on." "That's the angry part." "And that's the dizzy part." "Watching those weirdoes help Randy made me feel a little ashamed for how I'd been judging them." "They were good people, even if they were a little nutty." "Whoa, don't lick that." "But it smells like butter and syrup." "It's potent stuff, man, made from herbs and roots from the woods." "Just put it on once a day, okay ?" "Crazy day, huh ?" "Want some wine ?" "We made it out of grapes from our garden." "You guys make your own wine ?" "I tried to make tequila once, but" "I didn't know what was in it besides worms." "Pretty gross..." "still got me drunk, though." "That is not bad." "I got to say, I don't get it, Woody." "You're all so smart." "Why do you live in such a dumb way ?" "Because it's good for the environment." "If we want our children and our children's children to keep living on Earth, we got to keep reducing greenhouse gases and reverse global warming." "You know what global warming is, right ?" "Chemistry, geography, algebra, vocabulary..." "Nope." "All right, come with me ;" "I want to show you a presentation" "I give at the high school." "I hated high school, and I tend to hate presentations, but to my surprise, Woody's little show didn't suck." "As a result of fossil fuel use, and if the glaciers keep melting at this rate, in 20 years, Camden County will look like this !" "And because of warming, deadly diseases like West Nile are spreading like wildfire and will kill you." "Now, do you want to die a virgin ?" "Sorry, that's in there for the high school kids." "Really shakes them up." "And this is what CO-2 levels will look like in 10 years." "You know what we do then ?" "Nothing !" "'Cause it'll be too late." "We'll all just sit around and watch each other fry like we're bugs in a zapper." "Poof !" "Poof !" "Poof !" "Poof !" "By the end, I was freaking out." "And I could tell by the look on Randy's face he was freaking out, too." "Hey, this is messed up, man." "Does anyone else know about this ?" "'Cause we should tell the President." "People know ;" "they just don't want to change." "Well, not me, Woody." "You've really opened my eyes." "Me and my brother are never going to look at the world the same again." "Right, buddy ?" "When we finished our week with Woody," "I was anxious to get back to Camden and start saving the planet." "Bye, Randy." "Nice bunking with you." "Come back soon, and I'll teach you yoga." "See y'all later." "This is exciting, huh ?" "I'm a changed man, Randy." "We're going to start living life different." "I already have "Been wasteful" on my list, so it works out perfect." "I know, buddy." "I feel like I'm dreaming, too." "You know what, Woody ?" "In honor of what I've learned," "I'm going to save some of that CO-2 stuff and coast down the mountain." "I'll coast after I get over this hump." "Good, you're here." "I went through the checklist Woody gave me and got some things." "Florescent bulbs that use less electricity." "Reusable hemp bags for shopping." "And look." "Shampoo that's not tested on animals." "I feel bad for those lab animals running around with dirty hair, but if it's better for the environment, that's the sacrifice they have to make." "Look, Randy, I notice you've been quiet recently, and... well, I understand how freaky this whole global warming thing can be." "But don't you worry, we're going to fix it, okay, buddy ?" "I was feeling so good about saving the planet," "I even gave up the biggest status symbol an American has." "Hey !" "Lance Armstrong !" "Don't you know riding bikes gives you nut cancer ?" "That's when I realized, it didn't matter how ecological I was living if..." "Joy was going to pollute and cancel me out." "Why is your fridge open ?" "You're wasting electricity." "You're the one that took the damn AC." "Look, Joy, there's a thing called global warming, and we got to stop it." "What do you think we're doing in front of the cold 'frigerator, dummy." "Move that thing." "Blowing turtle sweat all over me." "And did you know you had a can of used oil in the front yard ?" "Darnell keeps forgetting to dump it in the creek." "You can't pour oil in the creek." "If you do, the bar graph goes up, the pie chart gets bigger." "The next thing you know, you got a big picture of the Earth with a sweaty forehead and a sad face." "The Earth doesn't have a face, stupid." "You're thinking of the Moon." "Fine, I'll take care of the oil." "I can't believe you guys aren't more worried." "Even Randy's freaked out." "Darnell, you care about global warming, don't you ?" "I do care." "I'm just not sure global warming is caused by man." "I think it's a bit anthropocentric to think humans could have that much effect." "Yeah." "And why does it always got to be the people's fault ?" "What about what nature's doing to us ?" "I saw a show the other day where these two caribou attacked an innocent hunter." "I mean, he shot them, but still, those animals are vicious." "Are you looking at my boobs, dummy ?" "!" "I was frustrated 'cause I realized" "I was going to have to double my efforts to make up for Joy canceling me out." "Then it hit me." "I wasn't just being cancelled out by Joy." "* They paved paradise, put up a parking lot *" "I was being cancelled out by everyone." "* With a pink hotel, a boutique And a swinging hot spot *" "So I spent a couple days trying to get people to open their eyes." "But most just didn't want to listen." "Hey !" "* They paved paradise, put up a parking lot *" "And the people who did listen didn't seem to care." "Look, pal, they're putting a cell phone tower in here." " Trees have got to go, I'm sorry." " A cell phone tower ?" "But trees make air, and look, there's a bird living in one of them." "But trees make air, and look, there's a bird living in one of them." "So I decided if people weren't going to change on their own," "I was going to have to make them change." "I figured people couldn't waste gas if I broke off their air valves and their tires went flat." "* Ooh bah bah bah bah *" "* Ooh bah bah bah bah *" "* Hey, farmer, farmer *" "And they couldn't waste electricity when they didn't have that, either." "* Give me spots on my apples *" "Here we go !" "* Please!" "Don't it always seem to go *" "Damn." "* That you don't know what you've got... *" "Looking back, I can see I was losing my mind a little." "* Put up a parking lot *" "But I was on a mission to save the world, and nothing was going to stop me." "* They paved paradise, put up a parking lot *" "* Ooh bah bah bah bah *" "* They paved paradise, put up a parking lot *" "It felt good to hit back against all those wasteful people" "* They paved paradise, put up a parking lot *" "* Ha ha ha *" "I made a difference today." "Earl Hickey made a difference." "And in a new report, coal pollution from China is believed to contribute to global warming more than all the cars in major U.S. cities combined." "And that pushed me over the edge." "I wasn't being cancelled out by all the people in Camden." "I was being canceled out by the whole world." "It doesn't matter what I do !" "Millions of people are undoing it." "What, am I supposed to go to China and convince everybody to ride bicycles ?" "They'll never go for that." "We're all screwed, man !" "Scre-ewed !" "And there's nothing we're going to be able to do about it, buddy." "We're screwed, man, screwed." "Screwed !" "Dude, your brother is totally bugging out." "Woody !" "There's millions of them !" "I can't stop everyone." "We're all going to die !" "Poof !" "Poof !" "Poof !" "Poof !" "Poof !" "John, grab his legs." "We got a meltdown." "Poof !" "Poof !" "Poof !" "Poof..." "* Hallelujah *" "* Michael row the boat ashore *" "* Hallelujah *" "I think he's feeling better, guys." "Thanks a lot." "I don't know what to do, Woody." "I can't un-know what I know, and I can't keep people from doing what they shouldn't do." "There's a lot in life, you..." "you can't control." "I mean, like, every time it rains, our houses dissolve." "All you can do is keep feeding the cows and rebuilding." "I want to move up here with you guys." "At least you guys get it." "Look, Earl." "I have the feeling your list has really opened your eyes to a lot of things." "You're starting to see all the bad things in the world that need fixing." "But you're trying to take on too much, man." "You can't fix everything out there." "Your list is your destiny." "That's how you're going to change the world." "But what about the fossilized fuels in China ?" "Why are you thinking about China ?" "Well, you know, "think global, act local"." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "That's your problem right there ;" "you're reading too many bumper stickers, man." "Don't try to think global you'll drive yourself crazy." "Think local." "Just take five minutes a day to do something you wouldn't normally do." "If everybody did that, global warming wouldn't be a problem." "You dig ?" "Oh, and, uh, you know what they said about eating an apple a day ?" "Don't, 'cause they're loaded with pesticides." "And whoever said laughter was the best medicine never had gonorrhea." "Woody was right." "I still had a bunch of messes on my list that needed cleaning up before I tried cleaning up the world." "And spending five minutes a day helping the Earth, well, made me feel better." "Even if it did get my fingers a little sticky." "Plus, once I calmed down," "I think Randy started feeling better, too." "Whew." "Hey, Earl." "Yeah, Randy." "Who do you think would win in a fight ?" "Muppets or Sesame Street ?" "I don't really think they'd fight." " They're both pretty peaceful." " Well, what if they had to ?" "Like in that head-chopping-off movie where there could be only one ?" "Muppets." "Okay, what about Muppets or Fraggles ?" "Muppets." "Okay, what about Muppets or He-Man ?" "Just He-Man or He-Man and his friends ?" "Just He-Man." "Muppets." "That's who I had." "Good night, Earl." "Good night, Randy." "Hey, Darnell ?" "Yeah, Joy ?" "Who do you think would win in a fight ?" "Your aunt or my mama ?" "Well, your mom's a scrapper, but my aunt's got reach." "I think I'd go with my aunt." "What about your aunt versus my dad ?" "Does he have weapon ?" "Like a baseball bat or something ?" "Just chairs, but they'd both have them." "I'm still going to have to go with my aunt." "Even if my cousins got involved ?" "Yeah." "I assumed they would jump in as soon as my aunt attacked your father or mother, or whatnot." "Your aunt scares me, Darnell." "Me, too." "Maybe we shouldn't do Thanksgiving this year." "I was thinking the same thing." " Good night, sweetie." " Good night, baby."