" Hey." "I got a problem." " I got a problem too." " Home or work?" " Home." " Mine's home too." " I'll go first because it's about me." "That's always the tie-breaker." "Wyatt has volunteered us to babysit Lance and Fernando's four year old triplets." "Yeah, twins, I get." "They're cute." "Quadruplets and up, people give you free stuff." "But girl triplets?" "The only thing you get with that is Hugh Hefner as a son in law." "That's all I got on triplets." "You go now." "For the last three days, Ally has left her engagement ring at home." "Okay." "Let's not jump into conclusions." "It doesn't mean she's having an affair." "I don't think she's having an affair." "Of course she's having an affair." "Why else would she leave her engagement ring at home?" "Because she obviously doesn't like it." "It's no reason to have an affair." "She's not having an affair." "I told you how I proposed to her in her jewelry store, how I just grabbed one of her rings" " off of her display case." " Right, right, right." "So it's actually costing her money to be engaged to you." "She really gets nothing out of the deal." "She gets plenty out of the deal, okay?" "I'm neat." "I can do six pull-ups unassisted." "Unassisted." "I'm oddly lucky with parking spaces." "I always get one up front." "I don't know what it is." "God gave me a thing." "Look." "You just got to get her a new ring." "I know." "But I've never actually done this before," " so..." " Oh, gosh." "If only you had a gay best friend with flawless taste and impeccable style who could take you ring shopping." "You know what?" "You're right." "But I'll take you instead." "Haha!" "Why does it work?" "Because it still makes me laugh after all these years." "Well, that was a bust." "I can't afford any of those rings." "You keep saying that, but I know what you make because it's the same that I make, and I spend tons of money." "But you don't have tons of money." "You don't need tons of money." "You just need tons of credit cards." "They're so easy to get." "Alphabet has two." "I don't want to carry that kind of debt." "Joe, you don't carry debt." "You shuffle it." "You move it." "You confuse it until it goes away and forgets about you." "Well, even if I was comfortable maxing out my credit cards, it still wouldn't be enough to buy Ally the kind of ring she deserves." "Well, wait... right here." "I'll be right back." "What's up, dog?" "Are you wear lipstick?" " Here." "Give this to Ally." " Oh my god." "Louis, this is beautiful." "Where did you get this?" "That's my nana's engagement ring." "Take it." "Louis, thank you." "But I can't." "Yeah." "No." "Yeah, you can." "My nana gave me this so I can give it to the girl I marry." "And I ain't marrying a girl." "And the guy I marry ain't wearing an engagement ring." "And even if he did wear an engagement ring, this ring ain't fitting on his finger." "This is a beautiful gesture and genuinely appreciated," " but I'm not taking this ring." " No." "Take the ring." " No." " Please, take it!" " No, sir." " I want you to take..." " No, sir." " I want you are!" "Take, take, take this ring!" "My nana would have wanted you to have it." "You remember how much she loved you." "And this way, it gets to stay in the family, because now Ally is part of our family." " Wow." "I'm..." "I don't know what to say." " Just say thank you." " Thank you, buddy." " You are welcome, my friend." "Enjoy it." "There is no way you can lift your body six times with these shoulders." "How's this, couz?" "Well, it's supposed to spell Anastasia and what you've got there is ASSNATIAA." "Right." "Order is important." "This job is a pressure cooker, man." "Just close your eyes and take a breath." "You got this." ""Be In Ally." How may I help?" "Hey." "So the triplets are being dropped off in an hour." "I'm thinking" "I'll take them for blowouts and spray tans." "Your thoughts?" " Louis, they're four year old girls." " Exactly." "It would be inappropriate for me to put them in tanning beds." " That spells ASIASATAN." " You said to close my eyes." " How about a tea party?" " Retro." "I like it." "I can try out some of my fresh Maggie Smith material." "First of all, there is no fresh Maggie Smith material." "Second of all, again, they're four years old." "Honey, I don't pander." "If they can't keep up, then they came to the wrong tea party." " Love you." " Love you." " Nice job." " Good." "I really needed a win today." "Yay!" "I'll just..." "Okay." " Hey." " Hey, handsome." "Look at you." "What's going on?" "What's going on is an evening of enchantment." "Whoosh!" "What is that?" "Forty minutes ago, they were butterflies." "I'm glad I didn't go with the doves." "Is there a significance to scattering insect bits in the air?" "Yes." "I thought they'd look nice fluttering around this." "What is that?" "That is your proper engagement ring." "Oh." "Sorry." "Honey, I have an engagement ring." "I just have to get the stone reset." "Yeah." "And I figured that when I saw it on your nightstand." "But still, that was a placeholder and this is the real thing." "Oh my god." "It's beautiful." "Where did you get it?" "It's a family heirloom." " Grandma Rose?" " The other side." "Grandma Ivy?" "Other side." "I think we've run out of sides." "It's from Louis." "He gave me his nana's engagement ring to give to you." "How incredible is that?" "Wow." "It's like I'm engaged to both of you." "Whoosh!" "I was certain that pocket was still alive." "I'm working." "Add to cart." "Add to cart." "Add to wishlist." "What?" "What?" "Oh my god." "Hi!" "What are you doing?" "Look at you." "You look so cute on this little outfit with that big thing." "Hello." "Alphabet just bought me a vest and two skinny ties." "We need to talk about the ring." "Oh, Ally." "You know I'm uncomfortable when people say thank you." "But I'm working on it, so go ahead." "It's beautiful and very meaningful." " You're welcome." " Please let me finish." "Okay." "I know it comes from a good place." "I mean, it's your grandmother's ring and" " she meant so much to you." " Stop." "Stop." "Stop." "It's what I do." "You really got to let me finish here." "An engagement ring is a really personal, intimate symbol between two people." "So the fact that" " I'm wearing your nana's ring..." " Is my great joy." "Get over here and give me a little hug." "I don't want the ring." "Great." "Now I have an unused hug." "I guess I'll just have to give it to somebody who really deserves it." "Louis, I'm sorry." "I know that you and Joe consider each other family." "It's just I'm trying to start my own family here, and..." "I don't think that this is the right way to do it." "Okay." "Ally, look." "Here." "Sit, sit." "Joe wanted so desperately to get you a ring that came from a place of love." " I know..." " And, Ally, look." "He didn't grow up in a place of love." "He found love with my family." "So that's what this ring should represent for you." "When you look at this ring, don't see me." "See Joe." "See your new family." "And see love." " I'm never taking it off." " Yeah." "Now you get your hug." "Yay!" "Well, ladies, I have to say that this tea party has been a delight." "Once again, I apologize that the Dowager Countess was as unable to attend." "But it's a dry house and she's slippety sloppety drunk." "No one?" "Okay." "Who would like one last cup of tea?" " Leena?" " Yes, please." "Okay." " Nina?" " Yes, please." " Sabrina?" " You're handsome." "Really?" "Really?" "Do you think so?" "Because I always feel like I have really elfish ears." "No." "No." "You know what?" "Learn to take a compliment." "Thank you." "Thank you, young lady." "Lena, Nina, Sabrina, it's time to go." "Your daddies are outside." " Okay." "Time to go." " No!" " Girls, it's time to go." " Yes, Uncle Wyatt." "Wait, wait." "Before you go, can I please have some sugar?" "Okay." "Bye, girls." "Thank you for coming." "Make sure you tell your daddies to keep dressing you the same." "This is not at all creepy." "It doesn't remind us at all of those girls from "The Shining"." "What?" "Don't be jealous." "You'll always be my first." "But they were really cute." "And unlike you, they don't lick their makeup off." "Admit it." "That was more fun than you thought." "It was a chore like any other chore." " Well, they love you." " They love me?" "I love them." "And you." "God." "They sure listen to you." "You know who you were?" "You were Strict Daddy." "Hey, how come you and I never play Strict Daddy?" "Louis, we just had little girls in our house." "Do you have to go straight to salty?" "You're right." "You're right." "Hey, how come you and I never play Strict Salty?" "Do you ever wonder what our kids would be like?" "Well, with any luck, they'll have your personality and my arms." "Wait." "Strike that." "Reverse it." "Well, I would love to have a little girl." " Wouldn't you like to have a little girl?" " Yeah." "I can have a little girl." " You could teach her right from wrong." " Fashion do's and don'ts." "That inner beauty is the most important thing." "Because outer ugly can always be fixed." "I have a confession." "Call me old fashioned but I always pictured us walking our daughter down the aisle to meet her husband... or wife..., or watching our son walk down the aisle to meet his wife... or husband." "My god, your daydreams are so inclusive." "You know, if we have a daughter, she'd get to wear my Grandma Plank's brooch." " And we could give her your nana's ring." " Oh." "Yeah." "That might be a problem." "Why?" "It's a beautiful brooch." "It's owl brooch made out of rabbit bone." "No." "I was talking about my nana's ring." "I gave it to Joe." " Why would you do that?" " Because he gave it to Ally." " But it's your family heirloom." " Yeah." "I know." "Exactly." "That's why I gave it to Joe." "So now it stays in the family." "Well, if Joe's your family, what does that make me?" "Strict Daddy?" " Hey." "We need to talk." " Ally loved the ring." "She loved it." "And it's all thanks to you." "You know, I just can't tell you how lucky I feel to have you in my life." " I don't think that there are many..." " Joe!" " What?" " You know what?" "Just finish." "I was just going to say that I don't think that there are many people in the world who have best friends as generous as you, Louis." "You know what you are, man?" "You're my family, bro." " So what did you want to say, my friend?" " Oh." "I need the ring back." "Just finish?" "Why would you say "Just finish" when you knew where this was going?" "I'm working on taking compliments." "I promise you you won't have to worry about that from this point on." " Why do you need the ring back?" " Because of Wyatt." "You know, we were talking about the future, and a family we might have someday, and daughters we might have, and heirlooms we might pass on to them." "And when I told him that I gave you my nana's ring, he was crushed." "I cannot believe you are doing this to me." "I cannot..." "Why are you doing...?" "What are you doing to me?" "How am I supposed to ask for the ring back?" "Well, the way I see it, we have three options." "One, I steal it." "Two, we come up with an elaborate story about how the ring is cursed, and then she'll never want to wear it again." "Or three, you steal it." "And those are the only three options as you see it?" "Yeah." "As I see it, as I see it." "You can't think of one other option in the whole world that could get her to give me the ring back?" "No." "No, I can't." "Okay." "Well, let's go with number two." " Hey." "Hey." "Hey." " Hi, honey." "What are you doing?" "Reading a magazine and looking at my ring." "Yeah?" "What are you reading about?" "I have no idea because I'm really just looking at my ring." "Sometimes I look at it and I pretend like it's someone else's hand." " You ever do that?" " Before you came along, all the time." "Listen, Ally." "About the ring..." "I found out some disturbing stuff that I think you should know." "Yeah." "I, um..." "Oh God, I'll just say it." "I think the ring is cursed." "What do you mean it's cursed?" "Well, Louis' nana was married to a guy, charismatic, handsome, but a bad guy." "A bootlegger." "An Irishman." "Womanizer." "Anyway, they had lots of kids." "They made lots of money." "And one day, he gave her a ring." "That ring." "That's when everything changed." "One of their sons, Joe, was killed in a war." "Another son, Jack, was shot dead." "Another son, Bobby, was shot." "Dead." " Joe, you're talking about the Kennedys." " I don't think so." "Anyway, nana had a nephew named John-John who was..." " Does Louis want the ring back?" " So badly." "It was his idea to go with the Kennedy curse." "I was going to go with Snow White." "I might have seen through that one too." "What happened?" " It's Wyatt." "He ate this poison apple." " Stop it." "You'll never guess what I've got again." "There's hydrocortisone in the medicine cabinet." "I'm not talking about eczema." "I'm talking about my nana's ring, the other thing she passed on to me." " That's great." " Yeah." "Isn't it great?" "Now we can hand it down to our daughter, Louise, who can hand it down to her daughter Louise, who can hand it down to her daughter Louise." "Who can hand it down to her daughter The Louisatron 5000." "So was Joe upset that you asked for the ring back?" "Oh, well, he wasn't thrilled." "But what can he do?" "It's my grandmother's ring." "It's my daughter's birthright." "It's a good thing he hadn't given it to Ally." "Oh." "He had given it to Ally." "What?" "I don't understand." "What do you mean you don't understand?" "He gave it to Ally." "I asked for it back." "He took it back." "He gave it to me." "And now it's back here where it belongs." "Tada!" "Come here." "Louis, we can't keep this ring now." "It's not right." "I can't give these things away lately." "Why isn't it right?" "A woman bequeaths her beautiful ring to her favorite grandson, who then, out of the goodness of his heart, gives it to his best friend, who then in good faith gives it to his fiancee." "The fiancee, in turn, is betrayed by the grandson who cruelly snatches the beloved object away from her." "It's like this ring is cursed now." "I'm pretty sure you're thinking of the Kennedys." "Oh..." "Are you kidding me?" "I know." "I'm sorry." "I used your perfume sample." " And?" " And a little bit of your moisturizer." "God." "You break into my apartment." "You're reading my magazine." "You used my perfume sample all up and you're sleeping in my bed." "You're the gay Goldilocks." "No." "That's Neil Patrick Harris." "Louis!" "Okay." "No." "No." "No." "I didn't break in." "I borrowed Joe's emergency key from his desk, which is right next to his emergency 100$, which is now an emergency 40$." "Why are you here?" "While you answer, lotion my back and don't half-ass it." "Okay." "Look." "Oh my god, your shoulders are gorgeous." "Thank you." "I can do 25 pull-ups unassisted." "All right, look, the reason I came was because I made a mistake." "I want you to have the ring." "What?" "I thought that Wyatt was upset that you gave it away." "He was, but he was even more upset that I took it back." "Well, I can't take it knowing that he wanted it." "Well, he doesn't want it knowing that you took it." "I didn't take it." "You gave it to Joe to give to me." "I gave it to Joe to give to you because" "I didn't know that Wyatt wanted it." "Well, Joe would have never taken it from you to give to me if he'd known that Wyatt wanted it." "And you would have never given it to Joe to give to me." "You would have given it to Wyatt." "I would have never given it to Wyatt because Wyatt is a man." "But Wyatt wants to give it to our daughters." "But when Wyatt found out that I gave it to Joe to give to you, he decided he didn't want to give it to our daughters anymore, so he wanted me to give it to you." "I can't take it." " I know." "It's confusing." " No." "I mean I can't take the ring." "I can't take the ring." "Why doesn't anyone want this fricking ring?" "My nana was very clear about this." "I'm to give this ring to someone that I love so long as they love me back, they're good people, and they're not fairies." "That's so offensive." "I never knew that." "No." "Actual tiny little fairies with wings." "She completely lost it by the end." "She used to wear her dentures in her armpit." "Well, I think Ally should have it." "She was the first one you thought of and she's the only one here that can fit it on her finger." "Wyatt, that's so sweet but I want you two to save it for your daughters." "Yeah." "Well, you know, I was thinking about that, but it's just going to sit in the safe deposit box." "Joe?" "Are you offering it to me?" "Because I will take this ring." "But just to be upfront about everything, I will sell it." "Thank you." "It's too beautiful for someone not to wear it." "It's a family heirloom, you know." "Why don't you keep it and turn it into some lovely meaningful gay sex piercing of some sort?" "I'm not putting my nana through my nipple." "I am just so glad you said "nipple"." "Okay." "So that's it." "The most generous and selfless act of my entire life is a total bust." "Nobody wants this beautiful symbol of family and tradition and late onset dementia." "Well, this is quite a pickle." "Wait a minute." "We're forgetting about one other member of our family." "Here you go, good girl." "I think your nana would be pleased." "Actually kind of looks like your nana." "Oh." "Look at the prettiest girl in the whole world, huh?" "That's two carats, which is fourteen in dog carats." "With facelift." "Without facelift." "I'm sorry."