"Any mail for me?" "Oh, come on, Bud." "You know Newsgeek comes tomorrow." "Then what's behind your back?" "Couch." " Did we get a cereal sample?" " No." " Then why do I smell riboflavin?" " Oh, come on, Bud, it's mine." " You got the last sample." " That was a bottle of Midol." " Well, you look a lot less bloated." " Just give me that." "Oh, look what you did." "Kids, we have an emergency." "An emergency?" "What is it?" "An unforeseen circumstance that calls for immediate action." "That's not the point right now." "Come on!" "The love of my life's in trouble." "Oh, my God." "Something's wrong with Mom." "No, you idiot." "It's the Dodge." "Hurry." "Bud, eight quarts of antifreeze, stat." "Kelly, less suction." "Bet you haven't heard that in a while." "I'm gonna hook up the scope." "Oh, damn." "The pressure's low." "Bud, 3-quarter-inch socket wrench." "I said 3-quarter." "Stay with me here or get out of my way." "Kelly, try to start the car." "Bud, cables." "Clear." "Nothing, Dad." "Again!" "Clear!" " Damn!" " Nothing." " Maybe we should call it, Dad." " Bud we can't." "I'm gonna open her up." "Open-gasket massage?" " It's a risk, but we have no choice." " But, Dad, you've never done it before." "I know, I know." "But I observed it once at Pep Boys." " All right." "She's holding her own." " Just like you, Bud." "But we need to get a specialist over here." "Bud, call Detroit." "It's gonna cost a ton of money." "Well, then we'll have to dip into the college fund." "Oh, we had a college fund?" "I just graduated." "Well, then you won't be needing any, will you?" "There, there." "You'll be okay." "That's it." "That's it." "You cough it up." "I'll just empty this out." "Hey, you want to watch some TV?" "They're showing monster trucks." "Hi, Al." "How's she doing?" "She's idling on life support, Peg." "She's in a coma." "Al, you need to get some rest, or help of some kind." "Peg, you don't understand the bond between a guy and his car." "It's sacred." "Well, you mean kind of like the bond between a husband and wife?" "Don't trivialize it, Peg." "This was my first car." "This is part of my youth." "Yeah, and like your youth, it should be long gone." "All right, Peg." "Let me put this into words that you'll understand." "You remember your first couch?" "I still miss it." "Well, that's how I feel about this car." "Me and my dad had our best days working on it." "I can't believe you bought this piece of junk." "Hand me that screwdriver." "Not this one." "The one with ice in it." "How are you gonna pay for this scrapheap?" "I got a job down at that ladies' shoe store." "You're gonna sell ladies' shoes?" "What are you, a fruit?" "Oh, Dad, it's just for the summer." "Hey, is the car gonna be ready tonight?" "Well, it will if you shut up and hand me that screwdriver." "Which one, Dad?" "Which one do you think?" "I can't fix a car with a drink." "Well, anyway, that's good because I'm taking my date to the Rolling Stones farewell concert tonight." "Long-haired limey fruits." "Yeah, but she wants to go and she's the grooviest chick in school." "Peggy Wanker." "Be careful, son." "Don't let her get her hooks into you." "Don't worry about me, Dad." "Peggy would never stand in the way of my dream." "She worships the ground that I walk on." "The best part is she really listens to me." "Are you listening to me, Peg?" "Peg?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, great story, Al." " Mr. Bundy?" " Yes?" "I'm Dr. Fisher, the specialist." "Oh, thank God you're here, doctor." " Doctor?" " Yes, ma'am." "Doctor of automotive engineering, Quaker State." "I'll need to see her chart." "Oh, yeah." "See, here." "Her air-to-fuel ratio is 180 over 90." " That's a little high." " Is she going to be all right, doctor?" "Yes, I'm sure she'll be fine." "Oh, dear God." " What?" "What?" " It's exactly what I feared, Mr. Bundy." "The fuel pump." "What have you fed her?" "She has the hoses of a car with twice her mileage." "Well, I didn't always buy her the best gas when she was young." "Don't blame yourself." "If we only knew then what we know now about octane." "Oh, well." "Look, the bottom line is you need a transplant." "A whole new pump." "That's not all he needs." "Now, unfortunately, finding a donor pump will be nearly impossible." "Oh, yeah?" "If it was Larry Hagman's car, you'd find a donor pump." "You should realize that these parts are worth a lot of money." "Be reasonable, Al." "There are lots of other Dodges out there suffering." "Mr. Bundy, I know this is difficult but we should harvest these parts now while they're still lubricated." "Are you nuts?" "You're not a doctor, you're a butcher." "Get out of here, you Jiffy Lube reject." "Yeah." "Get out of here, you oink." " Quack." " Moo!" "Woof!" "This is fun." "Meow!" "Kids, kids, kids." "Now, Daddy needs a part for his car and you're gonna help him get it." "Now, are you with me?" " Oh, I'm so tired." " How long have you known us?" "I'll take that for a yes, but don't fake it, because I can tell." "Sure you can, Al." "Don't you worry, sweetheart." "Whatever's wrong with you, Daddy's gonna fix." "She can't keep anything down, Peg." "Son, did you find my fuel pump yet?" "No." "I've surfed the Internet all night." "I still can't find anything." "What are you doing with a picture of Pamela Lee naked on a Slip 'n Slide?" "Nothing, yet." "Keep working." "Well, Al, according to these magazines all the cars like yours have either been recalled or exploded." "Oh, but don't worry." "Kelly's combing the classifieds." "No luck, yet, Daddy." "You know, family, I've gotta tell you I'm really touched by the fact that you stayed with me through this crisis." "I mean, we've pulled together, and gosh darn it I just got to say, you're like family to me." " Oh, Al" " Don't touch me, though." "Hey, do I smell gas?" " It was the dog." " It was the dog." "No, I meant the car." "Her hoses must be hemorrhaging." "He's gone." "Okay." "What are your bids on the carburetor?" "Okay." "A Dodge collector in Toledo will offer us 200." "Oh, wait a second, wait a second." "Vancouver will offer us 250." "I don't think so." "Hold on one second, please." "This idiot in Zurich offered to buy the pistons for 1000 francs." "As if." "I mean, where would we get the buns?" "Hello?" "Will he throw in some baked beans, Kel?" "Good thinking." "I'll check." "We want beans..." "Oh, Bud, when your father and I die, you'll watch after her, won't you?" "Mom, I'll have my own wife and kids to think about then." "Oh, yeah." "Hey, Dad's coming!" "Well, I've got her stabilized, but she's lost a lot of fuel." "Oh, God, I don't know what I'm gonna do without her." "Get to places on time?" "Oh, Peg, how can you say a thing like that?" "Don't you remember the good times we had in that car?" "Oh, Al." "That was incredible." "Peggy, you drive me wild." " I could go all night long." " Oh, Al." "You're better than the whole football team combined." "Not that I'd know." " Hey." "Chocolates?" " Oh, no." "I hate candy." "You know, Al, you were really amazing tonight." "I mean, four touchdowns in a single game." "Oh, babe, that's no big deal." "I mean, it's not like it's gonna be the highlight of my life or anything." "Oh, I know, honey." "Sky's the limit for you, and me too." "Well, you know, today, while I was napping in my Home Ec class I had the greatest idea for a way people could shop at home using the television." "Oh, babe." "That's an even sillier idea than your phone-without-a-cord thing." "Peg, don't you worry." "A girl as pretty as you are will never have to work." "Oh, Al, you are so far out." "And you are foxy." " Again?" " Hey." " Four is my new lucky number, baby." " Oh, right." "And my backfield's in motion." "Obviously, you don't remember what else happened that night." "No." " Oh, Al." " Oh, Peg." "Oh, Al." " What?" " I think it broke." "Oh, my God." "How could that have happened?" "I don't know." "It worked before." "You used the same one?" "Hey, they're expensive." "Al, this is terrible." "You're telling me." "Now I'm gonna have to buy a new one." "You know, Peg, my dad was right." "You really did get your hooks into me." "Oh, right, Al." "I trapped you so I could have all this." "Oh, wait a minute, now." "Hey, I'm sorry to hear about the car." "All the guys chipped in and we got you this." "Hey, an air freshener." "I'll hang it on her rear-view mirror." "Well, actually, you should hang it around your neck." "We got this for the car." "I'm sure she'll love them." "Look, Al, God forbid, she doesn't make it the important thing is you get back on the horse." "Well, thanks, Jefferson but how's sex with my wife gonna make me feel any better?" "You know, Al." "I mean, you should go out and buy a new car." "I don't need a new car, because I'm gonna find the part to this one." "There's a rumor that the fuel pump you need is in Cuba." "Good luck getting it out of there." "Damn Castro." "Damn Khrushchev." "Damn Steve Allen." "Dad, what's Steve Allen got to do with it?" "Nothing." "I just hate him." "Oh, Cuba." "Sultry, seductive Cuba." "Where the jungles are friendly and the women are easy to hide in." " Or was it the other way around?" " Listen, thanks, buddy, for stopping by." "I don't know how I can repay you." "Just keep wearing the air freshener." "Thanks." "Dad, give it up." "The car's a lost cause." "So's my family, but you don't see me giving up on you." "That Dodge is part of the Bundy family history." "Oh, Bud, my little man." "The boy I always wanted, Peg." "Now, Al, you're gonna hurt little Kelly's feelings." "You know, Phil Donahue says that if a father ignores his daughter she could develop an abnormal craving for male attention." "Phil Donahue is full of crap." "Mommy, Daddy, Bud's touching himself." "Oh, don't worry about that, Kelly." "That's just a phase he's going through." "He'll grow out of it." "Why don't you give him one of your rubber dollies to play with instead?" "Yeah, I don't know if that's such a good idea, Peg." "Oh, come on, Al." "You and your gender stereotypes." "What difference does it make?" "You're right." "Mommy, Daddy, did you know the possums are the only indigenous marsupial to North America?" "Gee, that's great, sweetheart." "What the hell did she just say?" "I don't know." "You know, I'm kind of worried about her, Al." "You ever notice how she's always got her head buried in a book?" "Yeah, she's not like us, is she, Peg?" "Of course, on the bright side, you know she'll grow up and go to college get a great job and support us in our old age." "Al, look out." "Damn Japanese cars." "So small, you can't even see them." "They'll never catch on." "Kelly, are you all right?" "Look!" "Shiny, shiny shoes." "You see?" "That car's been with us in good times and bad times." "And when are we getting to the good times?" "When you're on life support." "She needs her brake fluid." "Okay." "Unbelievable." "A collector in Düsseldorf will give us five grand for the entire engine." "Forget it." "Dad will never take the car off life support." "Yeah, we'll see about that." "Tell Gunther he's got a deal." "She's still running hot." "Well, this will cool you down now." "Al." "Honey, this is no kind of life for her." "Let her die with dignity." "Peg, that is not up to us." "That is up to the man upstairs and maybe Lee Iacocca." "Now, look, Al." "I am going to say this in the most supportive and loving way that I possibly can." "You are insane and I am killing this car." "Never." "Never." "No, don't leave me alone." "I hope you're happy, Peg." "She's gone." "Her oil is on your hands." "Her oil is all over town." "Oh, why couldn't it have been me or you?" "Oh, honey, let it go." "Yeah, Dad." "You did all you could." "Hey, I know we're supposed to be sad, but I can't cry." "What should I do?" "Just pull a nose hair." "Well, you said to pull a nose hair." "Oh, no, son." "No, no, no." "She's in a better place now, son." "What, a German chop shop?" "No." "Daddy's Dodge is in that big parking structure in the sky." "Where the gas flows free and the traffic lights are always green." "I'm sorry, Dad." " Yeah." "We love you, Daddy." " That's all right, kid." "Just give me a moment." "All right, Al." "But, you know, we're here if you need us." "Drive towards the light, old friend." "Drive towards the light."