"Got here early." "Right." "Thought to tide you up a bit." "She was tiding up my flat." "Serious." "Very." "Buttock-clenching moment." "Excellent." "What?" "Was she bending over or something?" "No, I clenched my own buttocks, Patrick." "No offence but that's a pretty basic mistake." "No I mean I experienced fear." "I... ?" "parked?" "." "?" "parked?" "?" "Yes, in a moment of consuming terror my rear ?" "eyes?" "closed." "What?" "Ok, imagine this, Patrick." "Some woman that you know, your mother, your sister, your girlfriend is even now without any advance warning tiding up your flat!" "Yeah, probably." "No, no, really tiding." " Thoroughly." " Under your bed." "Back of the high shelf in your wardrobe." "Among your video collection?" "Oh, that ?" "." "New haircut?" "Yeah, I've got a lot of big meetings coming up, wanted to know what a hard man look." "Isn't it a bit...?" "What?" "Gay." "This is not a gay cut." "This is a hard man cut." "What came over you?" "I don't know." "I just suddenly had this impulse to tidy up his flat." "It was scary." "May be tiding is true love." "No, oral sex." "Yes, when you are still doing it without preconditions." "You do oral sex without preconditions?" " Sure." " Absolutely." "How do you ?" "do\get the thing done?" "?" "house?" "You got a man in." "I think I've always misunderstood that phrase." "Listen, I hope you don't mind." "I'm taping something on your VCR." "Fine, no problem." "Don't worry I've found a blank tape." " Where?" " What?" "Where did you look for the tape?" "It was lying by the tele, on the floor." "Right." "Great." "Oh, there was a tape in the machine by ?" "the thought?" "if you probably wonna keep it." "Did you know which tape?" "I don't take notes, Patrick." "I don't know which tape is in the machine any given moment." "But did you know it was one of those tapes?" "I couldn't remember." "I don't keep a self-abuse log." "And neither do I." "What specifically did you tell your hairdresser?" "I said I wanted a hard-man." "You interfered with the man's VCR?" "You never know what you gonna find." "I found it." "Well." " Porn?" " Yes." "Which one?" "Not!" ""Inferno"?" "!" " "Inferno"." " Oh my God!" " No problem." " What?" "As long as she hasn't watched any of it you can't tell anything from a title like "Inferno"." "Patrick, "Inferno" isn't a full title." "Well, how bad can it be?" ""Lesbian Spunk Inferno"." "The thing was there." "I don't know if she's seen the title on the label." "And so how am I supposed to play?" "Does she now think I'm some kind of a masturbating pervert?" " You are." " We all are." "True." "So" "How are you?" " Fine." "How are you?" " Great." "How are you?" " You've already asked." " What?" "You've just asked me how I am twice." "Well..." "I love you." "You see I don't know if he knows if I've seen the tape." "He said he loved you." "That's what men do when there's a gap in the conversation." "They hate silence, it makes them feel guilty." "Pause for second and they ask you what's wrong, two seconds and they ask if you've got your period, three seconds and they love you." "I went out with him for five years and he never said he loved me." "It's easy if that's what you want." "You just got to ?" "write?" "the pause." "Trust me." "Most marriage proposals are the result of the longer then average silence." "I can't believe he said he loved you." "You haven't been going out for two months!" "I can't believe you said you loved her." "She was not even naked!" "That's not the point." "I don't know if she's seen the tape." "I still don't know." "And if she's seen it what does she think?" "What you are worried she might think you're a lesbian?" "Oh, wouldn't that be great?" ".." " What?" " Being a lesbian." "It has all the advantages of being a man but with less embarassing genitals!" "Plus every time you have sex there's four breasts!" "Two guest breasts... and two you can take home afterwards." "It's bloody brilliant!" "I like films with lesbians in them 'cause it's nice to think that there are attractive women that can't find a boyfriend." "No Patrick, they're lesbians." "Yeah, that's what I said." "You have a sexual politics of a viking attack." "Wait wait you say I can't convert lesbians?" "I can convert lesbians." "I bet Patrick can ?" "pull?" "lesbians." "Thank you." "You confuse them with your haircut." "So then what happened?" "A few more conversation gaps so I did the ?" "goaling?" "thing." "We should have a dinner party." "Fine." "But not the usual crowd." "Let's get some new people in." "Good idea." "So you both come, yeah?" " Of course." " I'd love to." "Would you guys wonna come for dinner?" " Absolutly." " Sure." " Nice." "Five years I went out with that man and it's not that I want him back or anything, it's just... he never wanted to tell me that he loved me." "He goes out with this new woman and he's in love with her straight away." "How does that look to people?" "I'm sure there's been ?" "staring?" "." "Two points." "One." "We agreed two months ago to end your therapy, as it was going nowhere, remember?" "I thought that was an exercise to help me cope with rejection?" "No, that was rejection." "Don't say that." "You can't just badge in here anytime you feel like and ?" "go?" "talk about yourself for twenty solid minutes." "I'm supposed to be talking to Mr. and Ms. Tyler about their merital difficulties." "Who?" "I really think it would be best if you look for treatment elsewhere." "I've got this dinner party to go to and they both will be there!" "I'm not sure I can cope with that." "Help!" "Someone else's help." "That good, isn't it?" "If you like animals." "This is evasion, Jane." "I know about that, it's in all the manuals." "Evasion, you say." "That's interesting." "Jane!" "Is this personal?" "Of course it is not personal." "But if it is not personal then we can be friends." "I just need some friendly help about this dinner party." "This is, as usual, about your fear of rejection." "And, as usual, you're tending to manipulate me by emphasising your vulnerability." "It's was we call passive regressive and it doesn't work on me because I'm a professional." "Hi Steve." "This is my friend, Jill." "Hi." "Jane's brought someone." "I didn't say to bring people, did you?" "Well, you know Jane." "Why does she have to bring a date?" "It's a woman." "You mean it's not a date." "Oh Jane's ?" "both ways, I mean, could be a date." "Probably is." "Playstation!" "So, a lesbo couple, yeah?" "And it might be best if you kill Jeff, less embarassing around." "This is real life, Jeff, not your ?" "sorted?" "lesbian fantasy." "Oh and you better hide your videos." "I'll just... get the drinks." " Hi." " Hi." "Jane's in the loo." "Right." "Good." "So you're Jane's friend?" "Well if friend is the right word." "Oh, yes." " You realize I'm ...?" " Oh, yes, yes, yes." "Oh, she's mentioned me." "Interesting." "What not you specifically but we assumed she was seeing someone." "Would you assume that with Jane, wouldn't you?" "She's very attractive." "Must be a bit embarassing for you being her ex." "Obviously we've talked about you." " Obviously." " Nothing bad, don't worry." "So, how long have you two been...?" "Having sessions?" "Are you all right?" "Fine, fine." "That was blunt but that's good." "Blunt is good." "I tried to break it up with her awhile back but you know how it is with Jane." "Oh yes." "She comes once a week whether I want it or not." "Really?" "She's unstoppable." "How does that work, exactly?" "Once a week does not matter what I do." "That's quite unusual, isn't is?" "Did she do the same sort of things with you when you were going out?" "Not on a strictly weekly basis, no." "I'm sorry if I'm making you nervous." "No, no no, no." "No." "Because sometimes what I do makes people nervous in a social context." "Particulary men." "Well, speaking as a man I think you guys have got the right idea." "If you've got the best of both worlds..." "What do you mean?" "Well, you know." "No, I don't." "Well, ahm..." "You've got four breasts!" "I'm sorry?" " No, no." " This clause isn't particulary ?" "." " No, no." " ?" "else." "I'm not saying you've got four at the moment." "Just when you're..." "What?" " Well you know." " What?" "You're excited!" "You think I develop extra breasts when I'm excited?" "No no not so much develop." "Acquire!" "What in the name of God are you talking about?" "Sorry, sorry." "I've been totally ?" "by the complete irrelevance of your breasts." "No not that you have irrelevant breasts" "I mean you've only got two of it that's for sure... unless you're some sort of cow." "No no a very attractive cow, a prize-winning cow." "But you're not a cow, you're a person but I bet you'd be a prize-winning person if you've got a suit of cattle market for women." "A women market... which thinking it might be a bad thing in many ways." "Hello, Steve." "How are you?" "Fine, great, absolutely." "Could you remind lovely Susan that Jill and I are vegetarian?" "You're what?" " You're not a vegetarian." " I'm ?" "biovegetarian?" "." "What?" "It doesn't exist, it's not possible." "I'm an emotional vegetarian." "I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films." "Do you have a problem with that?" "You can never finish your greens and you can suck the whole pig through a straw." "I'm not exclusively vegetarian, Jill, if that's what you're trying to say." "Vegetarianism for me is about saying "yes" to things." "Even meat." "No, it isn't." "I'll just tell Susan about this vegetable thing." "Oooh, we are being Missis Judgemental this evening." "How did I ever let you talk me into this?" "I'll explain how." "We are friends now, remember?" "Vividly." "They are vegetarians, is that ok?" "And they're fighting, ?" "they never did that?" "." "Let's hope it does not get out of hand." "We don't want it to develop into a vegeterian spunk inferno." "So you were discussing your little habit with your little pal, were you?" "Thanks, Jeff." "Is something wrong?" "Apparently." "You always say "apparently" when you're really angry about something." "Well, that's a useful clue." "Is this about the tape?" "You've known about the tape for a week!" "Everyone's known about the tape." "Apparently." "I'll get that." "What does Jeff knowing make a difference?" "Let me put it this way." "I pride myself on my cooking." "Sorry?" "So if you fell the need to ?" "between courses" "I'd be obliged if you didn't advertise the fact." "Right." "Does anybody else other then Jeff know?" "No, no, absolutly not." "It's noone." "Jane's just arrived with a female girlfriend." "Girlfriend?" "Did you hide your videos?" " Oh for Christ's sake!" " Oh thanks Patrick!" "Susan!" "What did I do?" "You just told Susan that you know about the tape." "Susan told you about the tape?" "Thanks Sally." "Susan!" "The vegetarian is someone who does not eat meat, you insane bitch." "I get enough of that language during our sessions." "Where are you going?" "At least talk to me!" "Susan!" "I love you." " Oh for God's sake!" " Oh thanks." "Ma-ma" "If you like animals, you'll love lamb." "Jane, stop picking on your date." "Date?" "Friend, sorry, friend." "So Steve, Susan tells us you've been using pornography." "Using pornography?" "What a strange expression, Jane." "I enjoy erotica, that's what you mean?" "But then, does not everyone?" "I certainly don't use pornography, whatever that means." "That makes me sound like some kind of..." "Wanker?" "If you two need any help with any of these issues, I've got a window coming up on a weekly basis." "If you can't stand the meat, stay out of the kitchen." "Not really qualified ?" "are you?" "Not qualified?" "You know, the man-woman thing." "I've got the wall full of qualifications about the man-woman thing." "Yeah, academically qualified." "I'll show you the list, if you want." "No thanks, not really my area." "Oh..." "Oh, I see." "What?" "No, sorry, I should have realized." "Realize what?" "You know I thought you're with Sally." "If you're so qualified, Jill, explain this one." "If a woman thinks ?" "on the easy term?" "and then it's erotica." "If a man does then it's porn." "I think you have a somewhat blurred vision of "Lesbian Spunk Inferno", Steve." "But then I suppose you would." " It's an erotic film." " It's not even a film." "But why do you assume that?" "What makes you think that it has not got a proper story and everything?" "It's kind of hard to tell, isn't it?" "Because you kind of... tend to fast forward if anyone's dressed." "Thank you, Jeff." "Sometimes I forget and do that with proper films." "I get through a lot of movies in the evening." "The point is, "Lesbian Spunk Inferno" does not count as erotica." " Yes it does." " Of course it does." " It's got about fifteen lesbians." " It's porn!" "Well I don't call it porn." "You called it porn in the pub." "Get a new hair-cut, Patrick." "Would you stop going out about my hair-cut?" "What's wrong with it?" "I think it's lovely." " Thank you." " And it really suits you." "?" "any person who doesnt like it." "Oh I bet you know lots of people who like it." "What makes an erotic film any different from porn?" "A plot you can't summarize in diagrams." "For instance, what film is erotic?" "Well I find "The Piano" very erotic." "Oh come on, "The Piano"?" "All the men hate that film." "Why I liked it." "Holly Hunter was naked for most of it." "She was nude in one scene." "It depends on how you watch it." "No, the thing is you just assume without even watching it that "Lesbian Spunk Inferno" isn't a proper grown up film ?" "with some adult content." "No, I'll tell you what the thing is." "You assume I didn't watch it." "I love you." "Prove it." "How?" "Tell everyone here in a reasonable amount of detail the story of "Lesbian Spunk Inferno"." "Come on, tell us the ?" "moving tell?" "of the fifteen spunking lesbians." "You know I have never understood the male obsession with lesbianism." "Whole area of sex with nothing for them to do." "Just answered my own question, haven't I" "I think they like to imagine they can get in there and convert them." "Exactly." "I'm surprised someone like you would think that gay people could be so easily diverted from their sexuality." "Conversion can happen, of course it can." "You think so." "Sure it's just a matter of meeting the right person." "Well that's rather unusual view." "In fact it's just a matter of sitting next with a right person at dinner." "Well that's very flattering." "You agree with me then?" "Well I don't know if I agree with you exactly, but..." "But I think you're very kind." "Really." "I think Steve was going to tell us all the story." "Unless of course he's too embarassed." "Ok." ""Lesbian Spunk Inferno" opens with five lesbian filmmakers, a collective, you might say, who are having a competition to see who can make the best lesbian film." " Filmmakers." " Yeah." "Independent filmmakers." "Meaning?" "Meaning?" "They're not the kind of girls who wonna deal with the studio bosses, the focus groups, all that industry shmoozing." "Meaning they've got cameras in their bedrooms." "?" "Absolutly?" "avoiding the whole studio system." " Very clever." " Yes." "So during the opening act of the film they're meeting up to see each other's films and to see who did the best one." "And I'm guessing we see all of the films." "Exactly." "We see each film within a film as the... tension ?" "mounts?" "." "Do those films have plots too?" "No, they're more sort of... mood pieces." " Expressionistic?" " Very much." "At the top ?" "voices." "Thank you, Jeff." "You can stop helping me now." "They watch the films, they pick a winner." "That's the movie." "Here you go." "And what does the winner get?" "Isn't she presented with a trophy or something?" "Oh well yeah, yeah." "She gets a sort of trophy, yes." "Trophy?" "Oh, that." "What kind of trophy?" "Three speeds!" "You can stop helping me now, Jeff." "Well, what about the spunking?" "Not a lot of spunking there, you know?" "Yes, thank you for bringing that up, Patrick." "God knows," " it might have slipped by unnoticed." " No problem." "So the spunking then." "As a spur to a future excellence amongst the lesbian film collective they decide that the loser, the one who made the worst film," "better have a bit of a spunking." "She must be a bit pissed off?" " Oddly enough she suggest it." " She suggests it?" "She's very dedicated." "It's not much of an inferno there, is it?" "One person." "It goes on a bit." "Why is that exactly?" "Very strict collectivism?" "But she keeps saying" ""Ooo, don't stop"." "Why?" "I think she feels quite badly about the film." "Still not much of an inferno, Steve." "Well then the winner says" ""Ooo, I want the spunking too"." "Why?" "Two people, still not much of an inferno" "Well then they all decide that they want a bit of a spunking." "Yeah but why?" "Sisterhood?" "How can you possibly enjoy a film like that?" "Oh because it's got naked women in it!" "Look I like naked women!" "I'm a bloke, I'm supposed to like them." "We are born like that." "We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one." "Halfway on the birth canal we're already enjoying the view!" "Look." "It is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche." "We like naked women, stockings, lesbians and Sean Connery's best as James Bond." "Because that's what being a boy is." "And if you don't like it, darling, - join the film collective." "I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table, but that does not stop from wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die." "Because that's what being a bloke is." "When man invented fire he didn't say "Hey, let's cook"." "He said "Great, now we can see naked bottoms in the dark"!" "As soon as ?" "surname?" "invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of - hey - naked bottoms." "We've turned the Internet into an enormous international database of... naked bottoms." "So you see the story of male achievement through the ages - feeble though it may have been - have been a story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms." "Thank you girls, I'm not sure I haven't insulted you, really ought to ?" "." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Go boy, you're the man." "The rest of your life?" "What?" "You want to spend the rest of your life with me?" "Yeah." "Is Wednesday good for you?"