"CHEERING" "Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Sue Perkins, and in the news this week - after the winner of the Bake Off is announced, the producers reveal, from all the thousands who entered, the person who actually came last..." "On their way to the Belfast Museum of Peace, there's a quick stop at the BBC studios for Ian Paisley's dentures." "And after a long day having heard so much about the Manchester rave scene, one man prepares to go clubbing for the very first time..." "And again." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "With Ian tonight, a TV personality who has been round the block a bit and is now an unlikely sex symbol." "I think of him as the Mary Berry of The Apprentice, please welcome Nick Hewer." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And joining Paul tonight is a comedian who looks exactly like the portrait in Richard Branson's attic." "Please welcome Tony Law!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And so we start with the bigger stories of the week." "First up, Ian and Nick, take a look at this." "Pinball." "There's a game of chance." "A kiss for everyone." "Not for you, Nick." "A big one for Danny." "Let's vote "who's a friend of Nick's?"." "They've all had them now." "UKIP." "Tories." "Labour." "And that was the Lib conference, which is the least of all the big... conferences." "Did you go, Nick?" "I didn't." "The problem is that I'm in turmoil, politically." "Oh, really?" "Turmoil." "Why?" "No way am I voting for the Tories." "I've never voted for the Tories." "I've always voted Labour." "Did you vote for Kinnock?" "Mmm..." "Come on!" "We can all make mistakes." "It was post-Sheffield." "Now, what's been the theme of the Lib Dem conference this week?" "We're still here." "Um... they're down to 6%, so it should have been a really gloomy conference, but they seem terribly happy." "I feel they're not going to lose any voters to UKIP." "Partly because they don't have any voters." "So that makes them in quite a strong position." "They're the only party who think they'll be in the next government, and they're probably right." "Even if they're wiped out, there's going to be some sort of coalition WITH Clegg in charge." "So it's vote anything, get Clegg." "The main theme tended to be, it wasn't us that did all the bad stuff, it was the Tories." "We just did the stuff that worked." "Clegg's theme was basically, the Tories are really evil, and I'm going to go into coalition with them again." "Quite a tough pitch." "But, you know, they clapped." "A bit." "They did." "His wife clapped." "Talking about wives..." "Yes." "Very interesting." "I went to that Pride of Britain thing the other day, and Cameron got up there and Sam Cam, who my son-in-law snogged at school, he said she was great." "She said nothing..." "What were the other school prizes?" "I met Sam Cam once and I said," ""My son-in-law sends his warmest regards,"" "and she said, "Really?" She asked his name and I told her, and I said, "He told me he snogged you."" "And she said, "He was a VERY naughty boy."" "And I said, "He said, 'You were great.'"" "This has gone dark and pervy..." "It's a true story." "True story." "And you still don't know how to vote!" "Clegg used an odd American phrase to describe the Tories." ""Beating up on the poor."" "Why would he say that?" "Why would you beat up ON someone?" "Do you use that in Canada?" "I don't remember." "In Trinidad they do, though." "CARIBBEAN ACCENT:" "They say, "Beat up on..."" "It sounds nicer like that." "Is that where he got it from?" "Of course." "I was with Cleggy out there for carnival." "Guy's nuts." "Why do you think he's got no ideas?" "How many...?" "We hit it hard." "CARIBBEAN ACCENT:" ""Rum punch, Clegg-style." ""Oh, man, too much hot sauce on the roti now."" "NORMAL ACCENT:" "You're right, it is a good accent." "What did Nick change four times in one day?" "His clothes." "He had a different outfit for every policy change." "Yeah." "Let's see some pictures of these clothes." "Now, the last look there, the chinos and the dark shirt came in for quite a lot of stick." "It looks like "vicar on a Saturday"." "Nick, I imagine you kick back with more of a jegging?" "With what?" "A jegging is like a tight legging." "Oh, come on!" "Now, who else is disgruntled?" "This is according to Lib Dem policy chief Duncan Brack." "Mrs Brack." "Not Mrs Brack." "He said..." "Was that part of their party political broadcast?" "How do you become an intellectual?" "It's not just enough to say you're an intellectual." "Other people have to recognise your intellect." "No, I just say it." "I just say, "I'm an intellectual." Done." "Winner." "So, when people ask you what you do, you just go, "I'm an intellectual"?" ""I'm a philosopher." ""And homeless."" "According to the Mail's snobbery correspondent," "Quentin Letts..." "NICK:" "Oh!" "Oh!" "..what is..." "Oh." "Did your son-in-law also snog him?" "He's not witty." "He's cruel and unkind." "I don't care for him." "And he's our special guest here tonight..." "He said something was wrong with the prospective Lib Dem leader, who's called Tim Farron." "What did he say was wrong with Tim?" "Oh, there's a list brewing." "He said..." "One speaker at the conference described the Lib Dems as..." "Come on, that's not fair." "Morrisons deliver." "How did he describe UKIP?" "It'd be funny if they're like Lidl." "That's, like, all foreign." "Lidl is right." "And also..." "That was an accident!" "I didn't mean to get that right." "Lidl and ALDI." "Why did UKIP get ALDI?" "They're Poundland, surely?" "Is Poundland a supermarket?" "I've no idea." "When your butler comes back from there, what sort of..." "Does he show you the receipts?" "The leadership polls are very revealing." "You've got Cameron ahead... with minus 7..." "Mmm." "These are kind of QI scores." "Ed is minus 35." "Clegg's minus 42, which is the lowest in history." "And Farage is just minus 1." "When he is being interviewed, he drops his lit cigarette on the ground, does the interview then bends down, picks it up and off he goes again." "Big smoker." "This is Nigel Farage you're talking about?" "Yeah." "We thought you were talking about Clegg." "Oh, no, no, no." "Clegg's not a smoker?" "I've no idea." "It is the gift that keeps on giving, you are!" "You'd mentioned the by-election." "How is it going, do you think?" "We don't know." "We're recording before it goes out." "I mean, what is it now?" "Westminster probably now will have its first UKIP MP." "So come on, then...." "POP" "Yep." "I don't think that made enough noise, actually, so..." "APPLAUSE" "Nigel Farage, he's been in the Labour stronghold of Heywood." "He was at a tank museum." "He told the Times..." "I like the fact there's an orange warning sign at the top of the tank to let you know that there's a tank underneath it." "In his conference speech," "Vince Cable described the Conservative Party as... and Labour as..." "Whereas, the Lib Dems are the Tories without the seats." "Paul and Tony, please have a look at this." "Er, yes, that's a flag." "Ah, yes, numberplates." "Er, there was a bit of a fuss this week." "Yeah, there they are, the Top Girls." "Yes." "Er, and that's them being run out of Argentina..." "Oh!" "..in 1928." "Er, yes, they were filming Top Gear in Argentina, in fact, and the locals noticed that one of the numberplates referred... seemed to refer to the Falklands War." "Do you know the exact digits on it, that referred to the Falklands?" "Er... 1982..." "There was an H first." "Oh, H, sorry, yeah." "H982 FKL." "The numberplates of other cars also came into question, too." "One of them was..." "What was that significant of?" "I think that was casualties, wasn't it?" "Some people thought that 646 is suspiciously close to 649, which, as you say, the number of Argentine casualties." "646 - neighbour of the beast." "It's an oldie but a goodie, right?" "Still borrow each other's trampolines." "Clarkson was very quick to give his version of events." "What did he have to say?" "Er, "This was a complete accident." ""We have no idea how this happened." "The show is very, very vigorous" ""in making sure these kind of things do not appear on screen." ""And we rather thought we'd get away with it."" "People said, if you're in Argentina, where the General Belgrano went down with quite a lot of losses, words with "bell" in it and "end"..." "probably not a good idea." "I thought it was disgraceful." "So you're not convinced at all by his defence." "No." "Not a bit." "Chances his arm." "TONY:" "You and I are going out fighting tonight, aren't we?" "But they found another numberplate in the car..." "Yes." "..that said, um..." "BELL-END." "That's where he lives, isn't it?" "He gets a lot of letters delivered to him, I know that." "The newspaper has actually translated this." "This is the Tierra Del Fuego newspaper." "..sort of." "Those Top Gear coincidences just keep rollin' on." "AS JEREMY CLARKSON:" "Final Bell." "The bookies were asked to give their verdict on the odds of such a thing happening coincidentally." "Um... did anybody..." "I'd go to the bookmaker, they'd be the first person I'd ask." "You know they're going to be right." "Exactly." "Anyone see what their obviously highly scientific calculation was?" "No." "No." "According to the Mirror..." "And then somebody told them Clarkson was involved and they went, "Hang on." "Evens." "Evens!"" "Their hotel in Ushuaia was besieged by...?" "Spitting, angry llamas." "Not the llamas." "It was..." "So the standard Top Gear audience, you would have thought." "They managed to escape." "How did they do that?" "They ran for it." "No, they hid in the hotel." "They did." "What's the BBC going to do now?" "What do you think their response is going to be?" "They're going to say, "It's your last chance, Jeremy." ""The last last one was the slope one, and THIS one is the last."" "Well, according to the Independent, they are planning to..." "Probably going to get Newsnight to do a programme about it and then shelve it." "You know." "I drove across Argentina." "I have never been so bored in my life." "It's a straight line..." "Yeah." "..from Buenos Aires to Santiago, with one little curve in it." "Did you..." "On the curve, did you just, like, go off?" ""I did not see that coming." ""It's been mostly straight and then, whoa, you chuck a curve in there?" "!"" "I think you two should do Top Gear." "So it wasn't a successful or spur-of-the-moment holiday?" "It was awful." "The only good thing was" "I went to see Allende's palace in Santiago." "It's got the biggest flag in the world outside and if you go at midnight... if you go at midnight..." "And the largest pencil, I believe!" "Was the steak good, though?" "The steaks were good in Buenos Aires, fantastic." "Lomo steak." " Lomo?" "What's that?" " Lomo." " It's a steak." " OK." "I like how you're sitting there." "Nick, I'm going to ask you a question." "When was the last time you were excited by anything?" "APPLAUSE" "This is Top Gear's trip to Argentina, with Jeremy Clarkson once again proving to be about as welcome round the world as the Ebola virus." "Some people admire Clarkson's attempts to wind up foreigners." "But I'll only be impressed when he drives into ISIS-held territory with a numberplate that reads 1-5-1-5 G-A-Y." "Jeremy Clarkson described how he... ..which he normally only does when the researcher's husband comes home." "Ian and Nick, here's another one for you." "Er... that's the police." "Someone listening in." "The police have been caught trying to find journalists' sources, which... everybody used to think wasn't legal." "But due to something called RIPA, which is not a sort of BBC One nine o'clock thriller, it's the Regulation of Investigative Powers Act, um, the police can do this." "They don't even have to ask a judge, they can just go straight in and say, "I want the phone records" ""of that journalist, because I want to find out who his source is."" "It is quite serious." "You don't have to feel sorry for journalists, but if they can do it to them, they can do it to all of you." "You're absolutely right." "They're not hacking into phones, but they are allowed to get, as you say, phone records of who's..." "Very interesting, this." "Very, very interesting." "You'll remember this, Ian." "Some years ago, I had to give evidence for the DTI in a case called the City Slickers case." "And they asked me for my phone records, and I said, "I don't keep them."" "They said, "Oh, what a shame."" "Anyway, they got them, the..." "They got them anyway?" "Oh, yeah, absolutely." "Do you remember, that was the one when Piers Morgan was the editor of the Mirror at the time." "He was!" "Yes!" "HIGH-PITCHED:" "I gave evidence against the Mirror." "Did you do it in that voice?" "Yes!" "To protect your identity, did you appear... ..as a seven-year-old girl?" "Behind a screen?" "You're right." "It all hinges on RIPA." "Care to hazard, just this year, how many times on average they've used this power?" "Eleventy." "Eleventy is getting near." "They've actually used..." "Well, it's hard to disclose official statistics, because 26 police forces have refused to say, but the official estimate is that last year," "514,000 occasions this was used." "That's 1,400 times a day." "Mainly, I think, just looking through your stuff, Nick." "Um, what's Huhne got to do with it?" "He was driving a car when he said he wasn't driving a car." "Exactly." "He said his wife was driving the car." "And then the Mail on Sunday had this story, then Kent Police wanted to find out how they'd got the story." "So they thought they could ask the journalist, who'd say no, so they went, "All right, we'll just go and get the records."" "So they went and got the records and they found the source." "Which..." "I mean, it is quite dangerous, really." "And it's meant to be, you know, to find terror suspects, which we're all, you know..." "That sounds like a very good idea." "Yeah." "But Chris Huhne..." "There's a lot of things I've got against him, but being a terror suspect isn't one of them." "Meanwhile, what's he been up to?" "Was he trying to get his costs back?" "He is." "He's got a share of his costs, amounting to £77,000 and the trial cost tens of thousands more than it needed to because he..." "Because he pleaded not guilty!" "Until the very bitter end." "Yeah." "That's outrageous." "That's the only bit of news that's made me angry." "Does that excite you, Nick?" "Very much!" "He's got a personalised numberplate." "That shows the sort of chap he is." "APPLAUSE" "Justice Secretary Chris Grayling is suggesting what?" "That we leave the European Convention on Human Rights, which is the one that enshrines the code about journalists not having to reveal their sources." "Absolutely." "Two contrary ideas for the Sun to put in their head." "And talking of the police, this is the lobby at the headquarters of Cheshire Police HQ." "What happened next?" "When one sees sliding closing doors, one assumes that they won't open when the man walks towards them." "He's going at quite some speed." "He bounces off that, falls back onto that mat, which is made of solid rubber, which propels him back upwards again, then over the next 14 hours he steadily knocks himself unconscious." "That would be a better way to go, perhaps, but this is exactly what happened." ""I'd like to report a burglary."" "This is the police using anti-terror laws to snoop on journalists." "Nowadays, no publication is safe from the police's hi-tech surveillance methods, except Private Eye, because they don't have a computer, just a typewriter and a handwritten card index." "I don't see that that's funny." "Paul and Tony, here's another for you." "Ah, yes, this is cricket being played." "It must be Kevin Pietersen." "He's brought a book out about his unpopularity with the rest of the England team." "And that's them just deciding who's going to bat first." "Yeah, so bullying in the England team." "He's come forward and said that he was bullied and other people said he wasn't bullied." "It's about how the England team tore themselves apart about a year ago." "Absolutely right." "How did the England team's bullying of the six-foot-four" "Kevin Pietersen manifest itself?" "A fake Twitter account." "Somebody who's a friend of a couple of the England players ran a sort of KP Twitter parody account thing and he got very upset and was reduced to tears by it." "I thought KP were nuts, weren't they?" "He's tending that way." "He was almost poetic in the way that he describes it." "I'll let the man speak for himself." "In terms of the parody Twitter account that I was led to believe from a former England player, who was told by the guy who set the Twitter account up, that it was being run from inside my dressing room." "When I got told that, I had that feeling that when you think you've lost your phone or lost your wallet and your heart sinks..." "Yeah." "Like the big stuff!" "Do you know what he called his head coach, Andy Flower?" "The Mood Hoover." "Brilliant!" "I love the idea of a mood hoover." "You could go over the Lib Dem conference with a mood hoover, couldn't you?" "Then you'd feel terrible." "It'd blow back and it'd be, "Ohhh..."" "Just get a big old vacuum cleaner full of "ohhhh"." "Can you imagine what a Lib Dem blowback would feel like?" "How did the ECB respond to these terrible accusations?" "They denied them." "Yeah." "There's a leaked draft of a dossier, which has all his misdemeanours in." "They include..." "..and the worst..." "That's a difficult tune to whistle." "One of the smaller, lesser-known tunes in Camelot but great lyrics." "Who does he say were the real baddies of the England team?" "The bowlers." "Who was the ringleader?" "Charles Manson." "Was it Matt Prior, did he think was the ringleader?" "What does Pietersen call Matt Prior?" "The Big Cheese." "Right, and KP said..." "Oh!" "I don't like the way sport's going, myself." "Cricketers have said the England team are only indulging in standard dressing-room banter." "Banter!" "Does anyone know the kind of banter these... the sort of jokes these lads get up to?" "Put Nair in the pants." "Sort..." "That would..." "Oh, dear." ""You should have seen old Cleggsy." "Lost all his pubes." "It was hilair!"" "Banter!" ""Then we shoved a minority!"" "Banter!" "They gave someone two left-handed batting gloves..." "Yes." "..as they went out to bat." "This is the national team, you know?" "Joe Root, or Rooty, likes to snip the end off players' socks so when they pull them up it goes straight up over their knees." "Classic!" "Banter!" "You know what Freddie Flintoff used to do?" "He used to drink his own urine." "Banter!" "He's snuck a real pig's head into a team-mate's locker." "Legend!" "In other someone's-got-a-book-out news, whose autobiography contains this momentous admission?" "Nobody we've mentioned so far?" "Not Kevin Pietersen." "It's not Kevin Pietersen." "Give us a clue." "Another sporting figure." "Is it Wayne Rooney?" "You're closer." "Rayne Wooney?" "Is it George Clooney?" "It's not a derivative of "ooney", no." "Roy Keane." "It is Roy Keane." "Yes." "And when he says, "Ultimately I lost the battle of Saipan,"" "this is referring to one of Roy's many red-misty moments, when he walked out of the Ireland team in the 2002 World Cup in Japan." "He's calmed down a little since then." "Let's take a look at him." "Apparently beards are very, very fashionable now." "Hmm." "Why are you looking at me?" "!" "But if you walk the streets..." "As I do(!" ")" "I blame insomnia... you'd be amazed at the number of men with beards." "What time of night are you walking?" "We know that Roy Keane has exacting moral standards." "What does he think about player Robbie Savage?" "He wouldn't like Robbie Savage." "He phoned him up and he didn't like the way he answered the phone so didn't bother to sign him on the basis of that." "Yes." "He wanted to sign him because he thought he was a flamboyant character and would rev up the dressing room." "It was at Sunderland." "Yes." "And he said..." "APPLAUSE" "Absolutely right." "I remember him on the field." "Robbie Savage?" "He was a rough player." "What did he do?" "He used to play with a crossbow." "Very dangerous player." "The most revealing moment in this book deals with" "Roy's exit from Man United." "Do you know this story?" "He'd signed for Celtic but was still living in Manchester." "He had three months left on the contract for his Man United company car." "This is what he said." ""I'll show this car!"" "Kevin Pietersen savagely criticised Matt Prior in his new book, calling him the Big Cheese and saying he was..." "Calm down, Kevin, it's not like he took your baked Alaska out of the freezer." "Banter!" "The victim of one of Keane's tackles mocked his recent beard, tweeting this picture." "I think it is unfair to compare him to Saddam, as Roy Keane actually WAS capable of launching a violent attack within 45 minutes." "And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here we go." "BELL" "Ian and Nick." "This is Putin." "It's the return to Soviet realism." "There have been some paintings commissioned portraying" "Putin as Hercules." "Not ironic, totally down the line." "He is a hero." "What was the occasion?" "His birthday?" "His 60th birthday." "His 62nd birthday." "He turned 62." "This fella..." "Not a fan?" "..is an outrage." "No, seriously, I think we've got problems with this chap." "Nothing gets past Nick." "No." "It's forensic, isn't it?" "You have alluded to the exhibition that celebrates his birthday." "There were a grouping of these pictures." "Do you know what they were called?" "The 12 Labours of Putin." "They were, yeah." "And as you say, he was Hercules, battling Western nations in a variety of guises." "Have we got any of these paintings?" "Oh, we certainly have." "This is a sinister one showing him guarding the pipeline." "RUSSIAN ACCENT:" "Look, it's here." "You like my nipple?" "This is him fighting off, and I quote from the artist," ""The Horses of Corruption."" "Finally, here he is, battling Roy Keane." "There's also a lovely video that some Russian children made." "It's called Happy Birthday, President Of Russia." "Do sing along, everyone, if you know the words." "CHILDREN SING IN RUSSIAN" "Oh, I love it." "Sing if you're glad to be gay." "# Oh, enough of that... #" "Dentistry isn't a priority, I see." "So, that might seem grand." "It's simply not quite as sycophantic or shit as the BBC's new music initiative, though." "Let's go back to my favourite shot." "Look, there she is." "She's brought him a wrapped-up corpse of a dissident journalist." "These paintings, it's the old story of the 1970s, and Brezhnev was going to visit Poland and he said, "I've got to take them" ""a present." "I want to take them a big painting." ""Get me a big painting of Lenin in Poland."" "So the artists go away, do research, come back and say," ""Brezhnev, Lenin never went..."" ""I'm not interested that Lenin never went to Poland." "I want" ""a painting of Lenin in Poland." "That is what I want a painting of."" "The artist paints away, comes back three weeks later and Brezhnev is just about to go to Poland." ""Where's the painting?" "It's here."" "He reveals the painting, Lenin In Poland." "There's a couple in bed." "He says, "Who's that woman there?" He says, "That's Mrs Lenin."" "He says, "Who's that bloke?" He says, "That's Trotsky."" "He says, "Where's Lenin?" He says, "Lenin's in Poland."" "APPLAUSE" "Fingers on buzzers, please, teams." "BUZZER" "It's a cat that's obsessed with The Great British Bake Off." "It doesn't seem to be obsessed with it at the moment - he's got his back to it - but this was a cat..." "I think it's got some back story." "When it comes on, it just sticks its head on the screen, picks up a lot of static electricity and at the end of the programme you can rub it on your shirt and stick it on the wall." "Is right." "It's the news that..." "I'll take any viewers I can get." "Roger the rescue cat has been helped through a foot injury..." "So it's not just that it likes the show, it has a cathartic effect, apparently." "How did this love manifest itself?" "Writing love letters to that one who looks like he's in a porn movie." "What's he called?" "Paul Hollywood?" "!" "Yeah, yeah." "Circa 1986, do you know what I mean?" "I didn't know his early work." ""I have come to fix your pipes."" "According to his owner, Rachel McDermott..." "And running towards the "off" button." "What are his owners worried about?" "That they're putting too many human characteristics into their cat?" "That when The Great British Bake Off finishes, he'll probably hang himself or something." "They are absolutely worried about that." "Join the club, love." "This is all I've got till May." "This is Roger the cat." "He was cured of his injuries thanks to The Great British Bake Off." "Just goes to show, all sorts of people watch Bake Off, even single women with cats." "Am I the only person in the whole country who's never seen a single episode?" "Is it too late?" "I've never seen a single episode." "Everybody says, "You've got to watch it." "It's just brilliant."" "But cooking..." "If I start watching..." "Oh, God... your programme, her indoors..." "It's a slippery slope." "Right, what, towards new-man-dom?" "I only recently discovered where the kitchen is." "I'm certainly not bloody going in there." "And I'm certainly not turning anything on." "UKIP is beckoning!" "Oh, no!" "Time now for the Odd One Out." "Nick and Ian, your four are a hyena in Japan, John Donne," "Gregg Wallace and Thor." "It's about Strictly." "The hyena's still in it, yeah(!" ")" "It's not about Strictly." "Thor's about to become a woman." "That must be the clue." "Is very good, yes." "Marvel Comics are going to bring out a female version " "Thora, presumably." "In which the mighty god finds a biscuit down the back of the sofa." ""At last, Alan Bennett, we meet at last."" "AS ALAN BENNETT: "I'm just an evil genius, I suppose."" "So..." "The hyena, they don't know if it's a boy or a girl." "Thor's changing gender, but that's as far as I get, I'm afraid." "Yeah, so Gregg Wallace is the odd one out." "Without knowing the reason why." "Gregg Wallace IS the odd one out." "But can you think why Gregg would be the odd one out?" "Because he IS a woman." "I'll give it to you because you're on the right track." "They've all been replaced by females except MasterChef host Gregg Wallace, who got into trouble this week for saying that," ""Two women couldn't present MasterChef because it's too blokey."" "PAUL LAUGHS" "So has he been replaced on a banknote, or something?" "What, Gregg Wallace?" "Is he on a banknote?" "Yes, on a £10..." "No, I was thinking of John Donne." "No, he has been replaced by Hertford College because they want to put more women on their walls." "They have taken the picture of John Donne down." "Wasn't there room for both of them?" "Not in this world, Nick." "There's a new order coming in and it's got tits." "APPLAUSE" "According to the Independent, Wallace was responding to" "Alan Carr's observation that Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman were currently..." "SHE MUTTERS" "What other revelations emerged about Gregg in the run-up to his Strictly appearance?" "No pants." "Exactly." "Gregg went commando." "Yep, when his tailored trousers split in a rehearsal with his dance partner, Aliona, Gregg said..." "Marvel Comics have made the momentous decision to have Thor undergo a sex change." "Will Hollywood follow suit?" "Well, he's tempted." "And Mary Berry says she'll stand by him whatever." "Now, a zoo in Japan's been forced to postpone its hyena-breeding programme after discovering both of its hyenas were male." "After four years." "What was the zoo's excuse?" "They were laughing so much they thought they were having a good time?" "So, they've all been replaced by females except" "MasterChef host Gregg Wallace." "Before being voted off Strictly, Gregg Wallace said he was never, ever going to have an affair with his partner" "Aliona Vilani as she's..." "She probably is, Gregg, just not with one of the "chubby baldies"." "APPLAUSE" "Paul and Tony, here are yours." "You've got Francois Hollande, Matt Prior," "General Noriega and the Duke of Wellington." "Matt Prior has already come up." "He calls himself the Big Cheese." "The only thing I can remember about General Noriega was his nickname was Old Pineapple Face." "That's right." "So I'm thinking that cheese and pineapple there must be leading me towards the right answer." "Yeah." "So Prior and Noriega are named after foodstuffs." "Wellington, beef Wellington was named after him." "They're all nicknamed after foods and Matt Prior is the only one that's chosen his own name." "You're on the right track." "Think Earl of Sandwich as a clue." "The Duke of Wellington's the only one that's had a foodstuff named after him." "All the others have named themselves after foodstuffs." "Is the right answer." "Very good." "In the end." "Yeah." "Genera Noriega, as you said, Paul, was nicknamed Old Pineapple Face by Panamanian citizens who poked fun because he had a rather pockmarked visage." "As we discussed earlier, England cricketer Matt Prior's nickname is the Big Cheese." "Do you know what Francois Hollande's nickname is?" "Hollandaise." "No, that's a loss leader." "Oh, the Dentist from Rouen." "That sounds... dark." "Very, very dark." "Named after a pudding." "Chief Flambe." "Will do." "Actually, it's Flanby." "Ah, Flanby." "Well done, yeah." "His latest mistress knows him as Pizza as he often arrives late and on the back of a scooter." "Other dessert-related news - one in six women claim they would prefer a slice of cake to what?" "Sex." "Don't say that and look at me like that." "It is sex. "A night of passion" I think was the exact phrase." "I read it with some interest." "And also, it's like..." "I may be 70 but one is still on active service, you know." "Legend!" "APPLAUSE" "Time now for Missing Words Round, which this week features as its guest publication the British Brick Society magazine." "Follow speculation about bricks... but nothing concrete." "And we start with..." "I'm Melanie at weekends." "I'm not a bully, he said this week." "He did." "The Apprentice returns next week, of course." "Last year there were 16, this year there are 20 people, all vying for the opportunity to be locked in litigation with Lord Sugar in about 18 months' time." "Next." "TONY:" "Pass the time?" "Help the police with their enquiries?" "To impress his wife." "Wives are involved." "It's actually..." "So, yeah." "Let's see the Cliff doll in action." "Got a bit of Jackson in him." "Yeah, I bet Michael Jackson..." "Well, let's rephrase that." "I think it looks a little bit like him." "Next." "NICK:" "Himself, very awkwardly." "No." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "Thomas Cantley has been travelling through North America with a giant testicle, whereas Richard Hammond and James May have been travelling through South America with a massive dick." "APPLAUSE" "Next." "TONY:" "Northerners!" "Coronation Street features thousands of bricks." "Cobblestones, bricks, houses." "I think that's pretty good." "They've rebuilt the Coronation Street set in Salford and apparently 400,000 bricks were used, including..." "That's a lot of cars back on wheels." "Next." "NICK:" "Fun." "Mobile phone signal." "The answer is simply beard." "Jesus Christ had no beard." "Yes, they found a very early drawing where he doesn't have a beard." "When was the first thing that he did that was of note?" "Smoked weed in high school." "A 4th-century engraving this was in." "You're right." "The early manuscript shows Jesus clean shaven, however, some theologians remain convinced that Jesus had a beard." "The Church will solve this debate the only way they know how - with a brutal, millennium-long schism." "Finally..." "NICK:" "Rarely get laid in a straight line." "Oh, blimey." "Yeah." "Here's Mr September." "Purr!" "So the final scores are - with five points we've got Ian and Nick, but soaring ahead with a magnificent 12 this week, it's Paul and Tony." "Wow!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "HE MOUTHS" "On which note, we say a big thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Nick Hewer, Paul Merton and Tony Law..." "Sue, can I just mention, cos people have got books out, and I just wanted to show, just briefly, you see that?" "Can you get that?" "There we are." "Look." "Thank you!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "CHEERING AND LAUGHTER" "And I leave you with news that during his speech to students at his old school, Prince Philip decides to try out some of his edgier material." "At a Burger King, there's disappointment for one customer as he's told they don't serve SHAKES." "And at a pub in Clacton, the barman still hasn't returned, five hours after saying he needed to change a barrel." "Good night."