"Fellas, don't get up." "Don't get up." "Hey." "Hey." "What's up?" "Diet?" "Grapefruit diet?" "Nice call, rainman." "Adina's having her 25th high school reunion, she says I've got to lose weight." "She doesn't want her friends thinking she married a fat guy." "She said that?" "Yeah." "You gonna try this soup diet." "It's great." "What is it?" "It's soup." "Mushroom." "Beef barley." "Chunky chicken." "Soup's your friend." "You can eat all you want." "How long you've been on it?" "About three days." "How much weight you lost?" "Well, technically, none." "Matter of fact, I may have gained four or five pounds, but they say to expect that in the beginning." "I don't know, frank, I think you lost a little." "You're left ear lobe looks smaller to me." "That's because his face just got bigger." "I went on a diet once." "Lost 34 pounds in six weeks." "Wow." "Were you exercising a lot?" "Nope." "Puking." "Found out my boyfriend cheated on me with this figure skater." "Bam." "Weight flew right off." "What the hell is going on in here?" "We were talking about dieting." "Oh, that's nice." "Would you like for me to bring in some yarn and a television, so you can knit while you watch Oprah?" "That's a good one, chief." "Shut up." "McNEIL, Phillips." "Missing person." "Ballet dancer, hasn't been seen in a week." "Call came in from a friend of hers that was taking classes at a school somewhere down in Lincoln center." "The address is in there." "And take Jan with you." "It is easier talking to another woman." "Oh, uh, Harrigan?" "Now I hate to break up your little buffet here." "I'm trying to slim down, sir." "Why don't you find something a little easier." "Like moving the Brooklyn bridge six inches to the left." "Six inches to the left." "Shut up!" "Get over to 68th and 6th." "Tourists, taking a morning stroll through central park and somebody shoots an arrow at him." "An arrow?" "Like a bow and arrow?" "Yeah." "Probably some kids." "Go." "I'll just cover this up." "Move!" "Right, right." "What are you two doing?" "We're" " Al and I are working on that case, from-- who the hell is Al?" "Oh, beans." "Oh." "Get your butts out to the park and help with Harrigan and Manetti." "I want this arrow thing cleared up before it hits the papers." "?" "This is modern day America?" "This is like eating disorders anonymous." "I know." "Throw pizza and a couple of buckets in the middle of the room and you'd have a riot on your hands." "I use to dance like this." "What?" "Yeah, in college." "Took a class on a whim." "On a whim." "I'm almost forty, and I've never had a whim." "Yeah, it's great exercise." "I never got to dance in a recital or anything like that." "Why not?" "Well, let's just say there was a problem." "What kind of problem?" "With the tights." "Oh really?" "Well, I'm not bragging, but some people found it distracting, that's all I'm saying." "Wow, as much as I'd like to continue this conversation, I think that's the little friend." "I'll see if there's a room where I can ask her some questions." "You guys going to be okay here?" "Mm-hmm." "Good." "Yeah." "One of the girls said it looked like I had a small canned ham down there." "You know what?" "I'm, uh, I'm actually trying to concentrate here." "Okay?" "Do you mind?" "Uh, they don't look too upset about it." "Tommy, they're from Ohio." "This has got to be one of the most exciting moments of their life." "Yeah." "What do we got?" "An arrow in a tree." "Brilliant." "You know, turn central park into Disneyland." "Indians shooting arrows at ya, waterslides, giant mechanical dinosaur puppets jumping out of the bushes-- charge $25 bucks a head and in no time we'd have that raise we've been looking for." "What, you think I'm crazy?" "No, I know you're crazy." "It's the breadth of the insanity that keeps amazing me." "What do we got going on over there?" "Oh, that's some guy selling soup." "No." "Yes." "No." "Yes." "Hey, what, what do you want us to do about the arrow in the tree?" "Dust, dust it for prints." "We did that already." "Then move around and look busy." "What are you, new?" "Hey, guys?" "Listen, we're investigating a case." "A family from Ohio almost got hit by an arrow this morning." "Crazy Injun Joe." "Who?" "Crazy Injun Joe." "Lives over behind those rocks." "Excuse us." "Coming through." "Please." "Official business." "Frank, forget about the soup." "I need it." "No, you don't." "Your ass looks like you're smuggling midgets." "Oh, this is great soup." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Tommy, taste this." "Frank, there's a hair in it." "Who cares." "It's roughage." "It's protein, right?" "Better give me another cup to go." "You cops?" "Yes." "Yes, we are." "You find the arrow." "Yes." "Yes, we did." "Good." "I'm Joe." "Crazy Injun Joe?" "Crazy's a term used by those insensitive to the mentally ill." "Injun, that's a derogatory word that robs my people of the respect that they deserve." "And Joe-- I'm alright with Joe." "Here's my demands." "I want restitution." "Compensation for the grave injustices that my people have endured at the hands of your government." "I want land." "This land." "That was stolen from my people for a handful of worthless trinkets." "And I want Gatorade." "Original flavor Gatorade, because I just like taste." "Sir, I'm afraid you gotta come with us." "Why?" "You can't shoot arrows at people." "It's against the law." "Could you just step over here, please." "I will after we've traded stories." "Excuse me." "I want you to come and sit with me and we will become brothers." "Share my bottle of love and our hearts will become as one." "Don't tell me you're in love." "Did you see that?" "Her head was like four inches from her ass." "'Cause she's looking for her brains." "Come on." "Hey, you got a little something." "Inga says the dancer and the boyfriend shared a place together." "She broke up with him, but the place was rent controlled, so they agreed to be sharing it together." "Which is fine until she starts sleeping with another guy." "Another ballet dancer." "Straight ballet dancer?" "It's science fiction." "Threats, fights, she disappears." "Inga goes by the building, super says he heard a struggle." "Need a warrant." "Yeah." "I got an address and a photo of the boyfriend." "Hey, I know this guy." "That's the soup guy." "He makes the best soup in the city." "Except for the hair." "You know where to find this guy?" "Yeah, he's got a stand in the park." "Me and pip will take the apartment." "You go get him." "Hurry up." "I'm going." "Super said they were always fighting, so he didn't think twice that night." "Why don't you check the kitchen?" "How's your grapefruit thing going, man?" "Pretty good." "I gotta say I admire you for that." "I don't know." "I might be able to go a couple of days, but after that-- forget it." "How long you gonna go?" "A couple weeks." "Huh?" "A couple weeks." "Man, those dancers down at that studio, they were hot." "Dancers are always pretty." "Flexible, too." "You know, they can wrap their legs around their own head?" "Wrapping's good." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, my god!" "What?" "Oh my god, there's a big pot of soup on the stove." "Guy sells soup." "No--that girl--she won't be wrapping her legs around her head anymore." "Why not?" "Her head's in the pot." "Oh." "Harrigan-- it's me." "Did you find the guy?" "No, he's not here." "Did you find anything?" "Yeah, we found a big pot of that soup you were eating earlier." "Terrific." "Bring some back, will ya?" "Uh, we're bringing it all back." "Great." "Because it's evidence." "Evidence." "Yeah, we found the missing dancers head in it." "Hello-- that would explain the hair." "What?" "Nothing." "Frank, what's the matter?" "More?" "Yeah." "As we say in my county, salud." "Salud." "I gotta tell you, joey, this love medicine, it's great." "Before we were adversaries, now we are brothers." "We are Joe and Ruben and that guy." "Al." "Al." "I like Al." "He's got a nice face." "Yeah." "I hate to tell you this, joey, but I think you're just one crazy drunk guy." "But you don't know me." "You don't know my power." "You want me make it rain?" "Cool you off?" "Yeah, right." "Sky, it's me, Joe." "And Ruben." "Hear me." "Give us rain and wash away his doubt." "Rain for us." "So anyway, turns out the guy we're looking for is the same guy bought the soup from." "Go to his apartment." "There's a big pot of soup on the stove." "And the missing girl, her head's in the pot." "Good lord, frank." "That's horrible." "Yeah, I know." "Now I'm thinking, what if I ate the soup with the girls head in it?" "I'm wondering, what will that mean in the eyes of god?" "Well, in the eyes of god, you'd be called a cannibal." "Yeah." "Eating somebody." "That's gotta be a mortal sin, right?" "Oh, yes." "Yeah, I figured." "So what can I do, monsignor?" "What can I do to get god's forgiveness?" "In all honesty, frank?" "Yes." "Nothing." "Oh, I can't believe it." "What am I going to do?" "I ate a ballerina." "You know you tried to give me a taste of that soup, but I knew there was something wrong." "I sensed it." "Frank, did you ever think that maybe there was nothing wrong with the soup that you ate?" "Maybe it wasn't what you thought it was." "You don't know." "That's the whole point, Jan." "I don't know." "It's driving me crazy." "I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep tonight." "What am I going to tell my wife?" "How about this?" "Honey, I hope you didn't make ballerina head for dinner, 'cause that's what I had for lunch." "Alright, that's it, get out." "Thanks, Jan." "Oh, finally." "You're here." "Great." "Here." "Keep the change." "What the hell is this?" "You ordered food?" "Yeah, Philly cheese steak, extra onions." "He's eating." "I have to eat." "I gotta get rid of the taste of that soup." "You're eating." "He's unbelievable." "Ah!" "Ah, frank." "I can't eat." "I put it in mouth, I couldn't even chew it." "What's going to happen if I can't eat?" "Well, there will be a lot more room in the car." "Ah, frank." "Okay, you want some of this, fat man?" "Stop it." "What's going on in here?" "Frank ate that soup with the girl's head in it and now he can't eat." "You're lucky she pulled me off you." "Enough." "What did I do?" "You can't eat?" "No." "You're kidding?" "No." "It'll be nice having the extra cows, but-- it's not funny, Mikey." "This is a terrible thing." "I feel like it's damaged my aura." "You have an aura?" "Yeah, it's huge." "Now it's dented." "If I just knew for sure." "If I just knew whether or not that soup in the park was bad." "Why don't you ask the guy?" "You got him?" "Bet your ass we've got him." "Pip's taking him into interrogation right now." "You want to do the honors?" "No, I can't, Mikey." "I'm a wreck." "You got to do it for me." "You got to find out for me, okay?" "Please?" "Okay." "You gonna finish that?" "Uh, no." "No, no." "Thank you for the information." "I'll pass it on." "Well, you just missed an interesting call." "What?" "There are park police downstairs who just dropped off two of our guys that they found drunk and disorderly in the park." "Two of our guys?" "Oh yeah." "I think I'll just grab a cup of coffee, freshen up, puke my guts out and get back to work." "What was that all about?" "None of your business, captain ham." "What's "captain ham?"" "You remember I was talking about dancing in college-- oh god, not again." "Oh." "Captain ham." "I just want to know, did you eat that soup?" "That'd be sick." "At least you know where to draw the line." "Did you serve it in the park?" "Reason I ask, is a friend of mine was down at the park, had some of the soup and he's a little concerned." "So, were you, dishing out your girlfriend's head?" "You sick bastard." "What's the matter with you?" "Making soup out of somebody and serving it up to innocent god-Fearing catholics!" "Sheez." "Frank, frank!" "What happens inside me if she wants to come out!" "Frank, frank." "Come on, frank!" "Come on, come on, come on." "Frankie, let go, let go, let go." "I'm gonna get you." "I'm gonna get you." "Next time, I let him go." "If you found the guy, why didn't you bring him in?" "Well, he was big." "He was bigger than you." "There was something else." "There was something about him." "He was, like, mystical." "Mystical?" "Yeah." "This guy has such strength, belief; he has such faith in himself and his relationship with the world and stuff." "He made it rain." "Really?" "Was that before or after you got all boozed up?" "Hello?" "Joe?" "My brother." "You've returned." "Well, I don't see any Gatorade." "Joe, listen." "I am not your brother." "I'm a detective and the people in my precinct have entrusted me with making sure that they don't get taken out by some guy with a bow and arrow." "I gotta bring you in." "No." "But you said you'd go with me after we traded stories." "That's far enough, my brother." "You know, when I first met you, I wanted to do something, but I never got around to it." "What was that?" "Rob ya." "Give me all your money." "Excuse me?" "Your wallet." "Hand it over, chump." "Wait a minute." "I came here earlier to arrest you, but I didn't do it because I thought you were special." "And now you're robbing me?" "I'm trying." "Toss it over." "You're a disgrace to your people." "You know that?" "My people?" "Yes." "The Indian people." "I'm not Indian." "I'm Irish." "But" "I sleep outside." "Do the math." "But the rain?" "I read "the post."" "It said "afternoon showers."" "I felt a drop on my face and I just went with it." "You didn't think I could make it rain, did you?" "Wow, stupid white man." "Okay." "We're going to play a little game I like to call," ""soup roulette."" "Got two choices here." "A very zesty little beef barley and your girlfriend's head." "You get to pick, but whatever you pick, you have to eat, okay?" "Good." "Now if any particular moment in time you want to stop playing, all you have to do is to tell me whether or not my friend frank has anything to be concerned about." "But, if you refuse to pick or you refuse to eat, then" "Enjoy it, I'll be out here waiting for you!" "I let him back in." "You don't want that." "So." "Which one do you want?" "Yeah, he kept her on the stove." "He never served her." "Oh, Mikey, thank you so much." "You're a genius." "God bless you." "Feel better?" "Ah, you don't know what a relief it is to know that I didn't eat the ballerina's head." "It's like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders." "Not to mention your stomach." "Exactly." "Say, what kind of soup did you serve in there?" "Beef barley and like a beef barley with a cream of mushroom mixed in." "That's the one he got." "Oh... did he finish it?" "You're unbelievable." "What, I just asking." "You think I wanted to eat it?" "Hey, what's the matter with you?" "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "You should be." "Go ahead, get out of here." "Take it easy." "Hey, did you guys see the buffet that frank set up for not eating that dead girl's head?" "It's great." "Donuts, bagels, muffins." "Don't let pip see that 'cause he's still doing his grapefruits." "You know, he saw it and he says he wasn't even tempted." "It's totally amazing." "Sheer will power." "Hey, uh-- gotta little- come on, let's go." "Keep moving." "Hey, Ruben, need a hand?" "No, I'm all set." "Let's go." "How can you do this to me?" "How can you just keep alive the oppression that's haunted my people for so long?" "You know, you're right." "I think I'm going to let you go." "You're a good man." "You really thought I was going to let you go?" "You're stupid." "Come on." "Mi casa, es su casa." "Stupid white man." "It has been some day here at the farm." "I think we're going to be okay." "Yep." "Not yet, we ain't." "That's right, pip, come to the dark side." "Now, everything is okay." "Ladies and gentleman, captain ham has spoken."