"My name is RJ Smith." "or Elder Smith now." "I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints or you can use the acronym LDS if you wish." "I'm 20 years old." "And in two days, I will leave for my mission." "This is my mother, my father and my sister Mary Anne." "We are told at a young age that it is our duty as men." "We are told at a young age that it is our duty as men to serve God in two years in missionary service." "Mormons are told, if you serve our mission faithfully, and well, you will be a better husband, father, student and a better worker in your chosen vocation." "I've been brought up to believe this." "I know the Church is true." "And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen." "This is my farewell party." "This is my girlfriend Elise." "We've never done anything past a few pecks, some nuzzling and some dry humping." "She's a real sweetheart." "This is how I end every night... with a prayer." "This is how I begin every morning... still praying." "John!" "Hey, thanks for coming." "I appreciate it." "I appreciate it." "Enjoy that food." "It's great to see you." "Remember when he was this tall?" "Yeah." "Whatever, you're- you're looking great." "And he's gonna be quite the world's traveler." "Family home evening:" "Food, board games, charades, scripture reading." "Mormon faith truly is a benefactor of wholesomeness." "Mormon faith truly is a benefactor of wholesomeness." "This is the MTC, or "Missionary Training Center"." "Where elders prepare for the mission field." "At first, I held some animosity about only going six hours away from home from my mission work." "Six hours away from home from my mission work." "But I realized, our Heavenly Father has sent me there for a reason." "That's the building." "How was the bus ride?" "Good." "Kind of smell like diaper the whole way but, you know..." "You get your own set of keys." "So bathroom... closet." "This is it." "Yeah, kitchen in there." "It's perfect." "Yeah." "It's a great neighborhood too." "You'll love it." "So, I hear you're quite the athlete." "Uh, I'm okay." "Well, I've always heard it said don't be so modest." "You're not that great, you know?" "So, this is Elder Merrill's bed and this one is yours, so keep it tidy." "Where is Elder Merrill by the way?" "Uh, he's should be in a meeting." "But, uh, you'll meet him soon enough." "So, tell me about him." "What's he like?" "So, tell me about him." "What's he like?" "Elder Merrill?" "Um, his father is the member of the first quorum, but I'm sure you already knew that." "Um, he reads a lot." "He eats "Lucky Charms" like they're going out of style." "I don't... is it... is there something specific you want to know?" "No, I was just wondering." "Oh." "Well, you'll meet him soon enough." "But sometimes, companionships don't work out." "If that's the case, then, we'll find somebody you are more compatible with or you can just wait a few months and you may have a new mission companion anyhow." "Hey." "Hey." "Elder Harris." "And you must be my new companion." "Uh, Elder Smith." "Yes." "And you must be Elder Merrill." "Yeah, that's me." "Glad to meet you." "So, uh, did Elder Harris show you around a little bit?" "Yeah, a little." "Well, I should let you guys get more acquainted." "I look forward to getting your reports and I'm sure I'll see you around." "Goodbye, Elder Harris." "Thanks for the ride." "No problem." "He's nice." "Yeah." "I have to tell you how happy I am to be here... very excited." "Uh, I'm also looking forward to starting my missionary work." "Good." "Good that's, uh, good to know." "Would you like to start this companionship off with a prayer?" "Yes, definitely." " Are you all right?" " Yeah." "So, where are you from again?" " Salt Lake City." " Oh." " You're from Idaho, right?" " Yeah, yeah." "Where were you serving before you're here?" "I was on the coast." "Oh, uh, cool." "So, what would you like to do?" "Uh, I like sports." "Besides competition, I'm a drummer." "Um, I'm learning how to play the guitar." "Kind of, I didn't bring it down or anything." "How about you?" "I don't know." "I'm just been doing the missionary thing for so long." "Um, I guess being a missionary is all I do." "Do you have a girlfriend back at home?" "No." "Fortunately." "No." "Fortunately." "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Oh, yeah." "We've been together for a while." "What's her name?" "Elise." "Oh." "How long you guys have been dating?" "Um, three years." "Wow." " You got a picture?" " Oh, yeah." "Oh, she's pretty." "I know thanks." " Are you done?" " Oh, yeah." "Thanks." "We just have a lot to go over so..." "Okay..." "Okay... so, I have some planning to do for tomorrow." "Um, we need to get you a bike first thing." "So, how about, why don't you go ahead and just get some sleep." "I know you've had a long drive." "And we will start bright early tomorrow morning." "The drive actually wasn't that bad." "Are you sure you don't need help with anything?" "Oh, no, no." "It's okay." "You get some rest and... oh, by the way, the left side of the dresser is yours and also the top shelf of the fridge is yours if you need it." " Thanks." " Yep." "Have you reached a stopping point, Elder?" "Yeah." "I think so." "Okay." "So, today, we have a meeting at noon with David Fellows, but first, I wanted to take you and get a bike." "Um, then from 2:00 o' clock on," "I'm gonna take you out and do some tracting." "Next week, we have a couple of meetings with some investigators." "One of which is Lydia Davis, who is a possible convert." "Okay." "That's pretty much it." "Are you ready?" "I'm ready." "All right." "How are you doing, ma'am?" "I'm alright." " Yeah?" "You're doing alright?" " Yeah." "Having a good day?" " So far." " Good, good." "Well, my name is Elder Merrill." "I'm with the Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints." "Oh." "Oh, hello." " Trina." " Trina." "Okay." "And there's a card inside with my name and number on it," "Okay." "And there's a card inside with my name and number on it, if you like to give me a call." " But this is yours to keep." " Okay." "Please don't feel..." "I mean, no pressure, really." "But, I really thank you for your time." " It was a pleasure to meet you." " You're very welcome." " Have a nice day." " Okay." " Thank you." " God bless you." "Really good job." "Thank you." " I'm gonna get another." " Hello..." " Hi." "How ya doing?" " Good." "My name is Elder Smith." "How did you... how did you do that?" "Hi, my name is Elder Smith." "I am with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints." "I am with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints." "Nice dog." "How did you do that?" "How I do what?" "That lady?" "No." "I mean..." "It, it's unreal, I mean..." "It... it does..." "What you need to do..." "I did it!" "First one." "Congratulations!" " All right." " Good for you." "Hug?" "It's all right." " Okay." " Okay." "It's that... you know, we just don't want to..." "Yeah." "I just got of energy, all right." "Yeah." "I just got of energy, all right." "How'd that feel?" "You feel good?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I got these tablets, transcribed them into what we have today..." "the Book of Mormon." "Do you guys subscribe to any religion?" "No." "No." "Well..." " Actually, we kinda need to go." " Alright." "I didn't think it was gonna take this long." "Thanks anyway." "All right." "All right." "Nice meeting you." "Not bad." "No, you could have offered them..." " The Book?" " Bible passage." "But, I don't know if they would have taken it." " Yes." " You are?" "Okay, so, good." "Can-can you tell us a little bit about what you know?" "Can-can you tell us a little bit about what you know?" "Well, I know that it's not anything" "I'm interested in." "Okay." "I'm Christian, very strong Christian." "I don't know." "Okay." "Well, do you know who Joseph Smith is?" "No." "Actually, you know, I was getting ready to go to this concert." "Oh, okay." "Hi, how'd it go?" "It was good." "We did some tracting." "Any Baptisms?" "Conversions?" "Not yet." "Well, uh, maybe you're not cut out for this Elder Smith." "I'm just kidding." "Uh, sisters, there's a gentleman I'd like you all to meet." "Sister Tulsa, Sister Bran, Sister Olsen." "Hi." "This is Elder Smith." "Nice to meet you Sisters." "It's nice meeting you, too." "And you all know Elder Merrill, of course." "How are you Sisters?" "How are you doing?" "Very well, thanks." "Sister Tulsa was just about to show a visitor around the ward." "Sister Tulsa was just about to show a visitor around the ward." "Would you like a tour perhaps?" " Oh, sure." " Oh, great." "Well, come this way." "That's great." "Watch the steps." "At least, we're getting..." "we'll be here later." "Um, six, six?" "Yeah." "Are you boys selling something?" " No, sir." " No." "What do you want then?" "Are you, uh, Jehovah's Witnesses or something?" "Oh, no, we're from the Church of." "Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints." "Oh." "Thank you boys for coming by but I'm not a very religious man." "Oh, well, maybe I could just," "Oh, well, maybe I could just, maybe a Book of Mormon?" "And highlight some scriptures for you to read and, uh, I'll leave you my number and you... and you guys and you can get a hold of us anytime you have any questions or concerns." "That-that'd be all right, I guess." "Thank you boys for coming by, have-have a nice day." "Yeah." "Here you go." "You too." "Thanks." "Dear Mom, Dad, and Mary Anne, mission life has been going well." "Mission life has been going well." "And I think I'm getting into the swing of things." "The life of a missionary is very routined." "We rise early." "After we pray, Elder Merrill and I will go on a run." "After we had breakfast and washed up, we do our scriptures study." "We are usually out the door by 8 AM." "Missionaries will talk about their gospel anywhere, anytime." "We spent most of our day giving lessons, tracting for those interested in the tracting for those interested in the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, upholding appointments with investigators," "and planning for upcoming meetings." "Once a week we have "P-day" or "Personal Day."" "We send letters to our family and do extra-curricular activities." "Despite being called every name in the book on a daily basis, things overall are going well and have been smooth thus far." "I miss you all and love you all." "I miss you all and love you all." "RJ." "You must be Elder Merrill." "Yes, sir." "I'm Jim." "Nice to meet you." "And you are?" "Elder Smith." "Yeah." "Come on in." "Thank you." "So, Joseph Smith retired to the forest on a beautiful clear spring day in year 1823." "Clear spring day in year 1823." "He knelt down and he began to offer the desires of his heart to God when all of a sudden he was seized upon by a power that completely overcame him." "It was so strong he- he couldn't speak... and exerting all of his energy to call upon God to deliver him from the grasp of the enemy that had taken a hold of him." "At the moment that he was ready to sink into despair..." "At the moment that he was ready to sink into despair... to completely give himself into annihilation, not to some imaginary ruin but to the power of some actual being from an unseen world with miraculous powers that he had never felt at that moment of greatest alarm." "He saw a pillar of light directly above his head and brighter than the sun until it descended gradually onto him." "Descended gradually onto him." "Then, two personages appeared unto him." "One pointed to the other and said," ""This is my beloved son." "Hear Him."" "This was the first vision." "We know the Book of Mormon is true." "We know the Book of Mormon is true." "Elder Smith and I can tell you in detail how it has changed our lives and the lives of our families." "It's brought us closer together and I know it will do the same for you and your family." "Maybe I can be more specific." "Sure." "Where does Jesus, tell us that we need to be married in a temple for eternity to get to the highest level of glory?" "In a temple for eternity to get to the highest level of glory?" "Uh, that's in the Doctrine of Covenants." "Can I look at your scriptures for a minute?" "Yeah." "See it's uh..." "Thank you." "Okay, this is it." "Isn't this a revelation on polygamy?" "Uh, no." "It's, uh, it's on eternal marriage." "It states that under certain circumstances it allows plural marriages." "Okay." "So, under what circumstances does God allow it under?" "So, under what circumstances does God allow it under?" "Joseph Smith was practicing polygamy long before this revelation." "Well, polygamy here was only accepted for the purpose of spreading seed as it states in Jacob." "Okay." "So, how many children did Joseph Smith have outside of his marriage to Emma?" "I don't see how that's important." "To see if he was practicing polygamy to spread his seed..." "Do you know what they called him?" "Do you know what they called him?" "I've heard a few of the names, yes." "They called him the Glass Looker." "Glass Lookers weren't uncommon in New York around 1820." "They were con men." "Shisters." "They claimed they could find treasure buried by Native Americans." "They would look into stone or glass and peer into a hat and... find the imaginary treasure." "We've all heard that." "Well have you heard this?" "One of his wives was thirteen years old." "One of his wives was thirteen years old." "So not only was he a polygamist, he was a pedophile." "Well." "It's clear that we have been... brought here under false pretenses." "It's also clear that you have done some preparation for our meeting tonight." "And are far more knowledgeable in our scriptures than you have led us to believe." "And are far more knowledgeable in our scriptures than you have led us to believe." "I'm sorry, but, I don't..." "I don't think we can go any further." "Wait a minute, I'm not trying to..." "Let's go Elder." "You know, nothing that I've said is untrue." "Elders..." "Elder Merrill..." " Elder Merrill." " Yes?" "!" "Are you okay?" "I'm fine." "Are you sure?" "Are you sure?" "I'll be okay, I just..." "I just can't believe some of the things that that guy was saying." "I'm sorry." "I'm supposed to be your Senior Elder." "I'm sorry that... you saw me lose control there." "It's okay." "It's okay." "You didn't lose control." "Why would that guy invite us to dinner just to ambush us like that?" "I'm not sure." "Hmm..." "I wanted some dessert." "What?" "I wanted some dessert." "Those brownies smelled amazing." "What?" "What?" "I" " I've never been so serious." "I-I know, I believe you." "This is my serious face." "That's your serious face." "Yeah." "I love, I would love to see your serious face someday." "I love, I would love to see your serious face someday." "Is that it?" "Is that your serious face?" "It's a good serious face." "Now, there are three degrees of glory, first, the celestial kingdom which is the highest kingdom." "The terrestrial kingdom is for people who refuse to accept the gospel but still live honorably and the telestial kingdom for the sinners." "And even though the celestial kingdom is full of murderers and thieves, it's-it's still a paradise." "Well, that sounds really nice." "The idea is to be in the highest kingdom with God." "The idea is to be in the highest kingdom with God." "All three sound okay." "Still, your safest bet is to earn your way into the celestial kingdom." "So, Ms. Sainbourn, as you continue to read the Book of." "Mormon, we think you will find it that it is true as Elder Merrill and I have discovered." "We believe that you too deserve to be in the highest of kingdoms with our Heavenly Father." "Of kingdoms with our Heavenly Father." "So, Ms. Sainbourn, we would like to ask you as you to continue to find truth in our scriptures as it seems that you are, would you like to be baptized and join our Church?" "Um..." "I'm not sure." "There's a singles ward." "It's not the same thing." "Karl Malone was on the original Dream Team." "I mean he, I..." "Look, all I'm saying is that Stockton played in an era of better basketball players." "I mean, he has Larry Byrd," "Magic Johnson, Jordan, Kareem..." "Magic Johnson, Jordan, Kareem..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Alright." "Have you seen Williams play?" "Okay, yeah." "The guy can jump out of the stadium." "He's like three inches taller and twice as fast..." "What are you..." "Stockton was known for his quickness." "Plus, I mean, the eyes at the back of his head, he didn't need to be." "He didn't even need to be tall." "Exactly." "I have been talking more with Sister Tulsa lately who is very sweet." "She has been teaching me sign language." "Yeah, well then, I'll know for sure I'll see you before I leave." "Yeah, definitely." "But are you going to the conference later this year?" "Yeah, I think we have that." "Yeah, I think we have that." "It's all in here." "It's not not in here..." "But you're planning on." " Yes, of course." " Okay, good." "I'm planning on it if it's in my planner." "Hello." "Well, um, I should probably get going." "Okay." "Uh, so, but, um..." "Thank you, friend." "Yeah." "Is that good?" "Yeah, yeah." "You're welcome." " Remember..." " Yeah." "I'm a missionary." "Of course." "I am as well." "Mmm." "Hello, it's Elder Smith." "Just... yeah, I am right here." "Okay." "Are you ready?" "Um, we have two discussions." "15 Books of Mormon handed out." "Zero challenges and zero baptisms." "Yeah, okay." "Thank you." "Hey." "Hey." "Where were you this morning?" "Where were you this morning?" "Oh, I did the community service thing with Sister Tulsa." "You know, we're not supposed to be alone with girls while you're on our mission, right?" "There were other people there." "You're also not supposed to leave your companion's side." "You okay, man?" "Fine." "Oh, here." "This came for you." "You were supposed to be there too." "Would you uh, would you like something to drink?" "No, I'm okay." "Uh, yeah." "I think we;" "Re both okay." "Are you sure about that?" "Yeah." "Sorry about the mess." "It's all right." "It's all right." "Sorry about that." "I know that's probably rude of me but, uh, um, I'm pretty nervous." "Uh, um, I'm pretty nervous." "I haven't had guests in my home much lately." "I'm sure you have a medical marijuana card for that, right?" "No, no." "I don't." "It's fine." "We're not the police." "I hope not." "They don't dress as nice as you do." "That's true." "Oh, well, thank you for getting back in touch with us." "Yeah." "I, uh... after you've left, last time I took that book that you gave me, I tossed it right there on the table and there it sat for days." "Well, I just ignored it." "Then, a few days later, I was sitting here and I was watching the TV, but there was nothing good on it." "Over a hundred channels, nothing good on the TV at all." "So, I picked it up and I started reading and," "So, I picked it up and I started reading and, uh, well, it wasn't too bad." "There are some, uh, some wars in there, and a bunch of stuff I didn't understand, so I thought I call you boys up and give you the chance to explain it to me, tell me... tell me more about it." "Sure." "Well, do you currently practice a religion?" "Well, I was raised Catholic." "But, uh," "I no longer practice it." "Don't tell my momma." "No." "Oh, were you... were you in the military?" "Yes, yes I was." "Iraq?" "Yes, sir." "Iraq." "Well, you've done your country a great service." "Thank you." "Are you still military active?" "No, I was honorably discharged." "Were you injured?" "Not physically." "What happened?" "Elder, I don't think he wants to talk about it." "No, it's all right." "Most of the guys don't like to talk about this kind of stuff but I-I don't mind." "I, uh, I enlisted with my-my brother Mark." "He was stationed in Ash Shura in Iraq." "He'd been there for a while." "We're getting close, you know, counting the days before we got to go home." "Counting the days before we got to go home." "He said there's a new lieutenant." "Green is money fresh out of college." "We weren't just moving from one place to another, you know?" "It came to a point where we believed that we were in a mine field." "What they teach you is to, just turn around, step up back in your footsteps, you know?" "Step up back in your footsteps, you know?" "That way you don't accidentally step somewhere you didn't step before." "Mark... he was... he was right in front of me." "We made our way back, I don't know what happened." "I stepped too far to the right or the left or something." "Suddenly I-I was just all covered in red," "Suddenly I-I was just all covered in red, you know, covered in blood." "I thought I had been killed." "And then, I looked up, I saw what happened." "It really was my own blood." "Anything I can think about, how I gonna tell momma." "You boys sure you don't want some?" "No, thank you." "All right." "Maybe we should just talk about your thing, right?" "Yeah, get out of Iraq and Jesus wasn't there." "I can tell you that for sure, so." "Yeah, Jesus, uh, is pretty cool." "That's what all the kids say, right?" "Elder Merrill has been slacking out a bit lately." "He slept in again today." "And during our zone conference, he just sat there in silence." "You okay?" "You okay?" "What?" "You-you just seem distracted recently." "What do you mean?" "I don't know, you know what I mean." "No, no go on." "It seems that you don't want to be here sometimes." "Why would you say that?" "I don't know." "When we started out, you're up at 5:30 in the morning and you're excited about teaching but..." "But what?" "It just seems like you're kind of slacking off a little bit." "It just seems like you're kind of slacking off a little bit." "Well, thank you for bringing that to my attention, Elder." "I appreciate your honesty and you're right." "You're right." "I'm gonna get back on track and..." "Elder, I was just making an observation," "I wasn't judging." "I just want to make sure that you're all right." "I just want to make sure that you're all right." "It's not something I can explain easily." "I'm sorry." "It's just..." "I don't..." "I don't know." "It's just I've been thinking a lot lately." "I mean, take our dinner that we had with Mr. Davis last week." "I mean, take our dinner that we had with Mr. Davis last week." "All right, here is a man who is pretty comfortable with his life." "And content without any organized religion." "We go into his house, 20 years old with the intention of teaching him and his family, to rethink their entire existence?" "Yeah." "But that's what missionaries do I mean, that's what we've always done." "Well, three weeks of training at the MTC doesn't." "Well, three weeks of training at the MTC doesn't make me qualified for that." "Elder, it's okay to have doubts." "Everybody does." "I know." "I know it's difficult." "I know it's difficult for you too." "But I-I hear you listening to secular music on your headphones." "I saw the way you look at Sister Tulsa." "What?" "No, no, no..." "I don't have a..." "You can't... you can't tell me that your testimony isn't being tested... all the time." "Of course it is." "So, how are you holding up?" "I'm okay sometimes." "Sometimes, I want to be at home, sometimes I want to be at school." "All and all I like being here." "All and all I like being here." "I like being here too." "I like being here with you." "You're a good companion." "Thank you." "Everything's gonna be all right." "Hey!" "You two always that friendly." "You two always that friendly." "Excuse me?" "I just noticed he was, uh, rubbing up on his arm there." "It's cool with me." "You know," "I just want to know if you're all like that." "You're Mormon, right?" "I got this." "Yeah, thanks." "LDS?" "Church of Jesus Christ the Latter-Day." "Saints, right?" "Saints, right?" "Where are you going?" "Don't leave." "Are you guys supposed to try and convert me, right?" "Give me the lessons?" "So, I got a letter from my mom yesterday." "Oh, yeah." "She was trying to set me up for this girl back home." "Do you know her?" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, for my whole life." "I don't know, maybe if I just ignore her, you know?" "She'll just get married before I can say, "No, thank you."" "I don't know man." "It's dropping like flies back home." "Maybe you should keep tabs on Elise." "Oh, I know." "It is what it is, plus, I always said," ""If it's meant to be, it's meant to be."" "You noticed what happened to Elder Harris?" "What?" "When we're living together, his then girlfriend sent him a letter saying, "Hey, I met somebody else," "I'm gonna marry him."" "And that was it." "Wow, that's tough." " Oh shit." " What?" "It's those guys from the restaurant." "Just keep walking." "Hey." "Where you all heading?" "You need a ride?" "No, no we're good." "Thanks." "You know, you shouldn't be out so late, uh, unsafe people come out at night." " Let's just go." " Hey, hold on." "Once you get in, we'll- we'll take you over." "It'll be safer." "Come on." "Come on get in." "Let's just go, Craig." "You know, it's all right with us if, uh, you all like to touch each other." "You're from Utah, right?" "What part?" "I'm from Utah." "A little town called, Ferron." "A little town called, Ferron." "You ever heard of it?" "You know my father, my father couldn't get a job 'cause of you people, drank himself into oblivion." "Y'all take care of your own, don't care about nobody else." "Hypocrites." "Faggots." "That don't make you angry, faggot, huh?" "Elder, what are you doing?" "C'mon." "Let him go." "Don't hold him back." "Let him go." "Are you okay?" "Yeah." "I'm still a little shaken up." "Yeah." "I'm still a little shaken up." "I've never seen you angry before." "I'm usually passive-aggressive." "You probably just sent him out of the emergency room." "I know it's terrible." "Well, I hate to say this... but he deserved it." "Mormons aren't supposed to fight." "(whispers) Mormons aren't supposed to do a lot of things." "I think we should keep this to ourselves." "I think we should keep this to ourselves." "I agree." "Are you sure you're okay?" "Yeah." "I'll be all right." "Your hands are all bruised up." "Come here." "I'm sorry." "That's okay - thanks." "Did I look cool?" "Yeah, actually." "Pretty cool." "Anyone's gonna look cool fighting 2 guys in a long sleeve white shirt red tie." " It's gonna be you." " It's gonna be me." "This is really cold." "Yes, it's ice." "Yeah." "You got it from the freezer." "I did get it from the freezer." "Elder Merrill's indifference has been contagious." "We haven't been teaching much this week or last." "And we're not supposed to but we decided to see a movie tonight." "I figure it's not worth being on a mission if you're not going to have fun sometimes." "So, why do you never talk about the wrestling thing?" "No need, it's just something I do." "But thanks for your help the other night." "You would have done the same thing for me." "You're kind of scrawny for a champion to be brutally honest." "And you talk more about basketball than you do wrestling." "I'm sorry I was being such an idiot that night too..." "I don't know." "You're not being an idiot." "Well, thanks for listening, anyway." "No problem." "Your feelings were completely valid and totally normal." "What feelings?" "Doubt, confusion." "So you have those two." "Of course." "Have you ever been tempted out in a mission field?" "Tempted to do what?" "I don't know... anything, anything a missionary shouldn't do." "Yes." "You have to excuse me Elder," "I'll be right, um, probably use the restroom." " Hey." " Hey." " Hey." " Hey." "Sorry, I have to go too." "I guess we just felt that little bit of stage fright, huh?" "Probably." "Well, false alarm." "Wait." "Yeah?" "I guess what I'm really trying to get at is..." "Yeah?" "Were you gonna kiss me that night?" "What?" "I was half asleep but I saw you standing over me." "I, um, I don't..." "Hey, hey." "It's okay if you were." "Elder..." "I try and keep these feelings at a distance." "I try and keep these feelings at a distance." "I've prayed to God in tears before and hopes that I may one day love a woman and want to take her as my wife." "That I might want to kiss her, hold her and have sex with her but I can't." "It's not how I'm built." "When we were done, we both prayed," "and got on our bikes, and rode back to our apartment." "We didn't talk about it for the rest of the evening." "What bad Mormons are we?" "Yeah." "I think so." "I think we're heading for outer darkness." "Mm, I don't know." "Mm, I don't know." "What do you think?" "I think we're a shoe-in." "So..." "RJ," "You ever been with girls?" "No not really." "What about the..." "what's her name?" "Well, we came close but no." "The first time I kissed a girl," "I set myself up for failure because I prayed and" "I set myself up for failure because I prayed and prepared myself to like it and then weren't happened." "I mean, it was just a kiss." "That's it, you know." "Nothing else." "That's when you knew." "I always knew how I felt but well, there's, uh, there's a park near my home called Hope Grove." "It sits near bank on-on the falls and I didn't know what the purpose for." "One morning I woke up really early and I couldn't fall back to sleep so I just got up to go shoot hoops and" "I started to hear something." "And I looked around to see where the noise was coming from but I couldn't see anything so I walked towards it." "And I saw two men, one was on his knees and the other was pinned up against the tree." "And I just stood there and watched..." "And I just stood there and watched..." "And one of the guys noticed me so I-I walked closer." "I had been affectionate with men before that but that was very different, I mean, feeling a long-long way down." "No." "That's okay." "I like it when you talk." "I like it when you talk." "I get the feeling you don't get a chance to." "I remember, I would have to eat with my family." "I was about nine years old." "At the restaurant." "I was sitting next to my dad." "A few tables down I saw this really good looking boy about my age." "So and I said in front of my mom and dad, brother and sister, "Hey, he's a really handsome boy."" "They completely ignored me but when I got home, my dad pulled me inside and yelled at me and told me I shouldn't think things like that." "Then I shouldn't ever say something like that ever again." "It had always been a rift between me and my dad." "It had always been a rift between me and my dad because I think he's always known." "Hey." "What took you guys so long to answer?" "Oh, we're just reading through scriptures and we're really into it today." "Really?" "What, uh, what verse?" "1 Nephi 2:15." "It's a good one." "So what are you guys up to?" "Just studying like we said." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, uh, let's go shoot some hoops." "I-I actually don't feel like playing basketball right now." "Well, I really wanna go and, uh, it's Monday." "You guys, don't really have any meetings scheduled today so let's get shoot some hoops." "Yeah okay." "Cool." "We'll be out there." "Oh, my God." "Dang it." "So what are you guys been up to?" "Nothing much just some tracting challenging the usual." "Well, your numbers are low." "Lowest in the region, in fact." "What's been going on?" "What are you looking at him for?" "You're senior elder." "I'm talking to you Elder Merrill." "You're senior elder." "I'm talking to you Elder Merrill." "We haven't see you guys in church and you haven't been calling in your numbers." "I've to practically pull them from you like teeth." "We've been sick." "You both have been sick." "Yeah." "I was sick and then I give it to Elder Merrill." "Really?" "Yeah." "You should have said something." "Bishop and Mission President were getting concerned." "I'll let them know." "You're a whore by the way." "What?" "Uh, you had an H and O that was an R." "Whore." "Come on in." "Hey." "How are you boys doing?" "It's been awhile." "Yeah." " How y'all bee?" " Really, really good." "Good." "All right." "All right." "I'm surprised I haven't heard from you more." "I thought you boys was supposed to be hounding me trying to convert me and baptize me." "Well, we're just glad you called." "Yeah." "Yeah, well, I've been reading some of those scriptures you highlighted for me in the book." "Oh, good." "Good." "Yeah." "You boys mind, I know you're probably not supposed to be" " around this, stuff..." " Uh, go ahead, it's fine." "Rodney." "Rodney." "Yeah." "Right the Scriptures, um, they, uh, uh, I've..." "Scriptures that you highlighted me the other day were... they were very pretty but, um, but a bit repetitive." " Mm-hmm." " Yeah." "And, uh..." "And it came to pass." "And, uh..." "And it came to pass." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, same, same thing over and over and over." "You know Mark Twain said that the book of Mormon was a prosey detail of imaginary history and, uh, and a tedious plagiarism of the New Testament." "Well, I don't think Mark Twain had anything good to say about organized religion." "What do you think?" "I would agree." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I would suppose you're right about that." "Where are you getting your information from, by the way?" "Oh, mostly from the internet." "Oh, mostly from the internet." "Hey, can I see that?" "The..." "You gave it to me... you guys..." "Oh, no, the bag of..." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "The green..." "It smells really good." "Yep." "That's one of the best things about it." "Could I see the...?" "Oh, the pipe?" "Yeah." "Go for it." "No problem." "RJ, what are you doing?" "I just wanna..." "I wanna try it." "I just wanna..." "I wanna try it." "Why?" "I'm just kinda curious to see what..." "Is there already some in there?" "Yeah." "It's already inside." "All right." "So let me do it." "I saw you did this once so I'll do that too." "Okay, so..." "Alright well, you know, you wanna hold the side there." "You see that little hole?" "It's called the carb." "You wanna hold on to that and it creates pressure in the glass." "And then, uh, you put it up to your mouth." "You light it." "You suck in and then you let go with the cob." "You suck in and then you let go with the cob and then it all rushes in." "Okay." "I can guide you through it." "Just go ahead and start." "Here we go." "You guys, what is this supposed to make you feel like?" "I've never done this before." "You've never done any weed before?" "I'm Mormon." "He is Mormon." "It just gonna make you feel, uh, interesting." "Guys, you can feel free if you like, uh, there's no pressure but, uh..." "Come on." "Do it." "All right." "You got it?" "Okay." "Uh, I don't feel anything." "Well, maybe you just didn't do enough." "Y'all didn't do it right." "You boys allowed to watch TV?" "Uh, not, not really, I mean, watched TV a long time but" "I suppose a little..." "Yeah." "I would even know what time anymore but..." "Little bit wouldn't hurt." "Well, you wanna watch a movie?" "Absolutely, yeah, okay." "Sure." "All right." "I've got, uh, I've got "Finding Nemo" and, uh, "Princess Bride."" "Yeah, those are all..." ""Saving Private Ryan."" ""Saving Private Ryan."" "Those are okay." "Well, do you wanna watch together?" ""Full Metal Jacket"?" "You sound like you got-you got increasingly violent." "Sound like war movies." "I mean, are you okay to watch those?" "Well, sometimes I watch them." ""Sex in the City"... the movie." ""Sex and the City?"" "Yeah." "Yeah." "It's about girls in New York running around have sex with everybody." "Oh, isn't that that show about the three hookers and their mom?" "You're talking about "All in the Family"." "No, that's "Golden Girls."" "No, that's "Golden Girls."" "You boys like my knife, huh?" "Yes, it's nice." "Yeah." "Do you have any snacks?" "No we're talking about his life." "Oh, whew!" "This is nice." "Has this been here the whole time?" "Yeah, been there since I moved in." "It was here when I moved here in fact I didn't know what the heck it's supposed to mean." "Do you guys remember raise-raising roof?" "That was pretty cool." "I had no idea what you're talking about." "Chris and I have never seen these films with the inappropriate parts in them," "Mormons watch a lot of edited edited videos." "For instance, the versions of Casino and Goodfellas I'd seen were only 35 minutes." "We also showed Rodney some LDS favorites." "This is messed up, man." "We began to spend a lot of time with Rodney." "He's on disability and he needed to stay at home." "He's on disability and he needed to stay at home." "There are times he's a little on edge." "He just needs some human contact sometimes." "I like to think though Chris and I are straying from our duties that we are doing some good by spending time with him." "So what are you guys gonna do after you get home?" "Um, I'm not sure." "I still have a lot to go on my mission." "School, I guess." "Yeah, probably the same." "You don't sound very enthused about it." "You don't sound very enthused about it." "How old are you guys, anyway?" "I'm 20." "20, huh, when I was 20" "I still hadn't joined the military yet." "I'd been working with this assembly plant for two years, saving up money." "One day I just walked in and quit." "I ain't give two weeks notice of nothing I just-I just quit and I got in my car, got an oil change, got new tires, picked up my brother Mark and then hit the 35." "And I just drove all over the country for three months." "And I just drove all over the country for three months." "Best time of my life." "You two should do something like that." "I've always wanted to do that." "Yeah." "It'd be so cool." "You're 20." "Yeah, get out there and live a little bit." "Do drugs, you know." "Get drunk." "Black out and not remember where you are the next morning." "And have sex with girls, have sex with guys, have sex with both at the same time." "These are the things that you need to do." "You need to break in to a library and steal the entire collection of Hans Christian Andersen books." "Get arrested." "Go to jail and spend the night there." "You know, have some life experience." "Eat taco bell." "Something's different with you two." "Seriously, uh, ever since the first time I met you," "I noticed that things are different now." "Well, what's going on?" "What do you mean?" "Well, two seem to be at a slightly different disposition now than you were then." "Huh, I see how it is." "I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable." "You kidding?" "Nothing gayer than the military." "You should see some of the things I saw." "Ain't nobody's straight in the foxhole." "Wow." "I can't believe this, you know." "I can't believe this, you know." "I got it." "I got these two queer pot smoking Mormons sitting here by the living room eating tacos." "You okay, RJ?" "Yeah." "Yeah I know." "Look boys." "I don't care if you're queer." "Straight or if I... you prefer masturbation above all." "Straight or if I... you prefer masturbation above all." "You boys are all right with me." "All right, well, you still, uh, still want me to read this book?" "Still want me to read this book?" "So..." "How do you feel about about everything?" "What do you mean everything?" "Well, you and me and the mission." "I guess I'm still trying to make sense of it all." "How about you?" "What do you feel?" "I'm not an apostate." "I still have a deep love for Jesus Christ." "So do I." "I think we're both on the brink of something new." "It's going to be rough." "We'll make it." "Everything's gonna be fine." "Wait." "Hello Elder." "Hello President Pearce." "Please have a seat." "Well, I'll get right to it." "Elder Harris reported to me that yesterday he knocked on your door then proceeded to enter your quarters." "Why didn't you lock the door?" "I thought I did." "Well, he obviously didn't Chris because our zone leader just walked in on us together in bed." "Now I don't know how that happened that night honestly." "Now I don't know how that happened that night honestly don't care but I can only assume there's more to the story than unorthodox sleeping arrangements." "What are we gonna do?" "I don't know." "I was also recently made aware of your incessant absence in both church and missionary meetings." "Now I find this behavior unacceptable and ungodly." "Now I find this behavior unacceptable and ungodly." "You are not here to entertain any subconscious perversions you may be holding." "As a missionary, you have done these things in the eyes of our heavenly father while serving your church." "God damn it." "Don't." "What?" "Say the Lord's name in vain." "I've spoken to the Stake President about this." "Yeah, 'cause I'm still Mormon." "And so am I but my perspective has changed a little since we started this." "And I suggest you stop wasting your parents' money." "And I suggest you stop wasting your parents' money." "Well, maybe mine hasn't changed as much as yours." "What do you mean?" "Maybe you're a bigger faggot than I am." "Fuck you!" "And go home and deal with these issues." "Be with your family and make things right with God." "So Richard, do you have anything you'd like to say?" "No." "Well, thank you and God bless you." "Oh, and could you send in Elder Harris on your way out." "Thank you." "Hey, dad." "RJ," "your mom and sister are in bed." "Your mom and sister are in bed." "Okay." "Hungry?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "I spoke to your bishop couple of days ago." "We had a long conversation." "He, uh, told me a story about a young missionary who came to him before his mission and told him about the thoughts he was having towards other boys." "The bishop said, he should go on his mission and he'd be fine." ""Go on your mission," he said." ""Go on your mission," he said." ""You'll come back and meet a wife." "You'll be fine."" "He also said that he didn't need to mention it to anyone else that the Lord has a way of working these things out in due time." "Well, that young missionary came back after serving an honorable mission, went to the bishop and said he was honorable mission, went to the bishop and said he was still having these thoughts but he listened to his" "mentors as they said, once he met the right girl, everything would change." "And he met a beautiful young woman three months later." "They were married within six months, had their first child by the end of the year, a second child the year after." "Dad, I don't know what to say." "Dad, I don't know what to say." "There's nothing to say, RJ." "I went on a mission." "I wanted you to go on one so that you can have some of those experiences and you could sit at this table one day and talk about them." "But dad, I did do my missionary work and I did have some of those experiences and I-I truly did enjoy it." "I know you did, son." "It's just..." "It's just..." "Dang it, Ricky!" "You're a winner, a champion." "Now you chose to do your missionary work and that's very respectable but, son, you've got some hard choices to make." "Choices that are gonna affect your future." "It's gonna be hard on all of us." "It's gonna be hard on all of us." "Ricky, this town and the church know everything about you." "You think they're not gonna find out what happened in Oregon?" "I know they will." "So what are you gonna do?" "Nothing." "I'm gonna let people's imagination run rampant." "Why would you do that?" "I don't owe anybody an explanation." "You're my son and I love you first and foremost but I cannot stand by you on this." "Your family can't stand by you." "So what are you gonna do?" "Will you at least try to keep your focus and maintain your standing in the church?" "Will you?" "I don't see how I can." "I don't think the church helps the members," "I don't think the church helps the members, have empathy for people like me." "People like you?" "Ricky!" "There's only ever been speculation." "Speculation?" "Dad, I am gay." "I didn't choose this, dad." "It's been in me for a long time." "I told my beloved sister what happened." "I didn't think she should be left in the dark." "She understood." "I told Elise though she had already known but wanted to hear for herself." "She was hard to console." "I have a meeting with the Stake President today." "I will see him before I meet with the church council." "Have a seat." "RJ, I'd like to start off with a prayer if that's okay?" "Yes, sir." "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for getting RJ here safely and we ask that you please bless this young man and guide him through this rough time in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." "Amen." "RJ, I've known you since you were a child." "RJ, I've known you since you were a child." "I was at your baptism." "I've watched you grow, go through high school, college and I deemed you worthy of your mission." "If anyone told me that I would be looking at these words written on this piece of paper right here in my hands ten years ago, I..." "RJ, tell me, why are you here today, son?" "To talk about my future as a member of the." "To talk about my future as a member of the." "Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints." "This is a very serious matter." "You know this." "Yes." "And this could be grounds for excommunication." "You're aware of that." "Yes." "First off, I'd like for you to tell me in detail about the relationship between you and Elder Merrill." "I'm sorry, I don't-I don't know if I can talk about this." "You broke a very sacred law." "You're right." "I did." "I can't deny that." "Did you want to go to on a mission?" "Of course, I always have." "And you want to serve even though you knew this about yourself?" "Yes." "I'm not the first gay man you've sent on a mission and I won't be the last." "The church doesn't do much to provide a way for us to." "The church doesn't do much to provide a way for us to be honest about it." "As for Elder Merrill," "Elder Merrill and I were mission companions." "We served our church well." "I cannot speak for him nor will I go into greater detail" "I cannot speak for him nor will I go into greater detail other than to say" "I have great feelings for Elder Merrill." "My feelings for him are greater than for, uh, any man." "Uh, any man." "And if I acted upon my emotions," "I don't see any injustice in my acts nor disgrace in them." "Shame on you and shame on this church." "Shame on you and shame on this church." "I was raised to believe I was a part of something." "My family and friends and now because of who I am," "I don't get to be that." "I'm excluded from that." "I'm not sorry." "I hope you know that." "I am not sorry." "How did it go?" "It went okay." "So?" "I told him I don't need to regain my worthiness and I don't need to see the head council either." "What?" "Why not?" "So, where do I go from here?" "Maybe I should just throw a dart on the map and see where I end up." "Or, I could just see where the world takes me."