"Oh, I have to..." "God, I can't focus." "Oh, Michael." " Yes, hi." " Here it is." " Is this all it?" " Yeah." " Okay, I'm gonna tape this to the stool." " Thank you." "Hi, Sarah and Zach." "Thanks for coming." "Ow!" "Sorry." "Thanks for coming." "Why won't anyone be nice to me?" " It's hard being Tig." " Mmm." " Hi, Tig." " Hi, Zach." "I can't do it for much longer." " Hey, Tig, happy anniversary." " Thank you." " How much time do you want me to do?" " What would you like to do?" " Zero." " Okay." "Perfect." " Can you do 15?" " I'll try." "I have a tight five." "Okay." "Fifteen." " How much are you gonna do, Tig?" " Probably 45." " Oh, you are?" " Yeah." "Oh, okay." "Uh, what?" " I know." " You're gonna host?" "No, I think I'm gonna go first." " Yeah." " Good." " And then Sarah, and then me." " Lovely." "Do you want an introduction at the top, or do you wanna walk out?" " I should" " Louis C.K. just walks out." " You should do what Louis does." " And he did last night." "F U, C.K." "What if this show is a bomb?" "Oh, my God, it's not gonna happen." "Comedy is always a risk." "But, a year ago today, when I was waiting over there for Ed to announce me," "I was just, like," ""No idea how this is gonna go." "No idea how this is gonna go."" "Good evening, hello." "I have cancer, how are you?" "I came on stage not knowing if I was gonna live or die." "And because my life had fallen apart so quickly," "I kind of assumed I was gonna die." "I was talking to a friend of mine, and she said," ""Yeah, I stayed up late watching the Princess Diana funeral."" "She said, "But after a while it was just the car going down the road with a casket in back."" "She said, "I got so bored, I ended up turning it off."" "She said, "Did you see it?" And I said, "Yeah."" "And she said, "Well, what ended up happening?"" "In high school, I was, um..." "I was voted least likely." "I've been runnin' with it ever since." "I hated school." "I failed three grades and then dropped out." "I'm pretty psyched about how things are going." "But I did get my GED." "Not only has nobody ever asked to see my GED, but my cat ate it." "The last grade I graduated was seventh grade." "I have a seventh grade education." "Thank you." "I struggled in other jobs and been miserable and failed at 'em all." "Stand-up was that thing that when I found it," "I was like, "Oh!" "I'm a comedian." "Why didn't anyone tell me?"" "People always have a hard time understanding my name, especially over the phone." "I was on this call with this guy, and we were gonna hang up and he's like, "All right, well, look." "I don't feel real comfortable calling' you this, but I guess I'll see you tonight, pig."" "I was like, "Well, you know, to tell you the truth," "I don't feel real comfortable with you calling me pig either."" "You're treated like nothing in the early days, and you're making no money." "You know, I would camp in my car in-between gigs." "I had never been so happy and fulfilled in my life." "One of my favorite things about doing stand-up is when comedians take the mic out of the mic stand, then move the mic stand out of the way." "Some comedians move it even further." "It's like, "Where are you headed?"" ""Where does this go?" "Got to get this out of the way."" "Do you work here?" "Can you hold this?" "When a show is going well, it's just, kind of, the ultimate." "It's the peak." "It's such a rush." "It's a room full of, "Oh, I get you."" "They get me, I get them, and they get the person next to them." "Everyone is like, "Yeah, we get it."" "My next guest is a comedian who hosts the podcast Professor Blastoff." "You can catch her every month at the Largo theater here in L.A." "She just released her debut album, Good One." "Please welcome the very funny Tig Notaro." "Tig Notaro, everybody!" "Hi." "Uh, how's it going?" "Good." "I live here in Los Angeles, and I was walking through my neighborhood down the sidewalk, and I was passing this guy, and right when we were passing each other, right when we were passing each other, he said to me," ""Ah, them little titties." "I thought you was a man."" "It's like, "Okay." "Okay, if you think that." "And okay if you say that, to yourself."" "But that thought had to go through several layers of filters in his mind, and a checklist, and he still decided," ""Yeah, I'm gonna need to say this."" "My career has always been just, kind of, going steadily up." "In early 2012, I was busier than I'd ever been." "I was touring all over the country," "I was doing my weekly podcast, Professor Blastoff." "I was doing a regular show at Largo." "I was in a pilot, and something that was very exciting," "I was gonna try and get pregnant." "I was working more in town than out of town, and that's..." "That crucial element to having a child and a family is that you have to be home." "And that was starting to look way more possible than ever." " Sound speeding." " A only mark." "And from Tig's entrance." "Action." "Have you seen my stress ball?" "God!" "I was filming the movie In A World and I was like, "I don't feel well."" "A only mark." "I was aware that she was sick, but she seemed great and fine, and was making jokes and really funny." ""What?"" "It didn't seem that serious." "Uh, tell me more here." "Mark." "At the end, I was lying down in-between shots just trying to rest." "And then I collapsed." "Oh, my God." "I cannot believe you're in the hospital." "Tig?" "Oh, my God, what happened?" "Hi, Tig." "It's your mommy." "I hope you're feeling better." "Give me a call, and I'll be happy." "I was in so much pain." "The doctor said my insides were inflamed beyond recognition." "And he didn't know what was wrong." "She just was so sick." "You know, when someone doesn't complain and you really see pain on their face, it's a lot scarier." "After, like, a week, it wasn't going away." "And I thought, like, she might not make it." "The doctor said," ""We're gonna test you for this thing called C. Diff, and we hope it's not that."" "But it was." "C. Diff is a bacteria that will just take over your entire digestive tract and eat it alive." "I couldn't eat food." "I lost over 20 pounds." "I had become a skeleton." "The day she got into a chair, that was a big moment." "Sweetie, who got themselves into a chair all by themselves?" " I did." " That's right, you did." "It was us being, like, excited that she was able to get up and sit in a chair." "I got out of the hospital a week before my 41st birthday." "I was thrilled to be out of the hospital." "But I was still in a lot of pain." "I was very weak." "When I was diagnosed with C. Diff, I thought it was..." "It was the worst possible news..." "up until that point." "I had no idea what was to come." "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy birthday to you ♪" "♪ Happy birthday, dear Fluff Happy birthday to you ♪" "Ric and I wanna come out to California." "Happy birthday." "We wanna come out and visit." "I love you." "A couple days after my birthday, my phone rang and it said, "Parents."" "I missed the call again, and it went to voicemail, and I thought, "That's probably my mother calling to wish me happy birthday again."" "Hi, Tig." "I'm afraid I have some terrible news." "Your mother fell last night and, uh... it looks like she's not gonna make it." "Please give me a call." "My mother and my stepfather were watching Jimmy Kimmel, and she got up and fell." "Hit her head." "My stepfather checked her head, and she was talking and seemingly okay." "He decided to go to bed, and she stayed up." "In the morning," "Ric saw that she had blood coming from her nose and mouth." "She was never... never conscious again." "My brother, Ric and I went to the hospital to say our goodbyes." "She lived 12 hours off of life support, and it was really horrendous." "My brother and stepfather ended up going home, and I was just there by myself." "They said there was zero brain activity, and I believed that, but I made up in my mind that she knew I was there." "I just... really... wanted her to know that I was there." "And that there was no way I was gonna leave." "After the funeral, I was too sick to go back to Los Angeles, and so I just stayed in Texas." "This is the house where she fell." "You know, there's moments of sadness and realization." "You know, my mother's not in the house and, um..." "My mother's dead." "Ric?" "I'm in here, Tig." "Hi." "My mother and I had very up and down times in our relationship, but we loved each other so tremendously." "My mother was hilarious, very silly and ridiculous, and wild and crazy." "Not concerned at all about what anybody thought about her." "My mother was very comfortable when things were uncomfortable." "And my humor is directly tied to her sensibility." "She was very into pranks." "Friends would come over to eat, and she'd be like, "Tig," "I'm dying everyone's potatoes blue." "Don't tell your friends."" "And I'd be like, "Okay." You know." "And so we would all pretend like mashed potatoes are blue." "She had this fierce inner strength." "When I had issues as a kid, like, "Oh, this is happening,"" "she would always be like, you know, "Tell 'em to go to hell." "If they have a problem, tell 'em to go to hell."" "And it just..." "It gave me this confidence to not question myself or doubt myself." "A parent is supposed to understand a child, and I'd never really understood Tig." "I had a model of what a person should do, and Tig was having nothing of that." "My mother understood me in a way that was different from other people." "When I lost my mother," "I truly lost the person that understood me the most." "When I was at my mother's house after she died, I was really devastated." "And I was still so ill." "So it just seemed to be this tunnel that I would see the light at the end, but then it was like somebody put another tunnel on it." " Take care." "I love you." " All right." "I love you, too." "I needed something positive to happen." "We had this show booked where we were gonna do an episode of This American Life." "We were gonna do it onstage in New York City, and beam it into movie theaters around the country." "And, uh, Tig was one of the performers." "Ira and I were planning this show for nine months." "I was warning him I had been sick, and he said," ""Don't push yourself." "We can do this another time."" "And I was just like, "You don't understand."" "And I felt like, "If I could just get to New York and do This American Life," "I would feel like finally I was coming through something."" "Welcome comedian Tig Notaro." "I went to this party with my friend Pam, and we were going to leave the party, and she said to me," ""Do you know who that was standing by the door?"" "I said, "No."" "She said, "That was Taylor Dayne."" "Do you know who Taylor Dayne is?" "No?" "She was a pop singer in the late '80s, early '90s." "She sang "Love Will Lead You Back."" "Anyway, I love Taylor Dayne, and not ironically." "And I went up to her, and I said," ""Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just have to tell you, I love your voice."" "And she just turned and said, "Yeah, I don't do that anymore."" "Tig is a really pure kind of deadpan, incredibly special performer." "She's somebody who is just in no hurry at all." "Like, it's just somebody with such supreme confidence that she will just pause and hold a moment." "Then, like, nine months passed." "And I happened to be out to eat with that same friend of mine, Pam." "And there was a party of ten seated right behind us." "You guys are not gonna believe who was sitting there." "Any guesses?" " What's that?" " Taylor Dayne." "That's correct." "It was Taylor Dayne." "Tig really just brought down the house." "And immediately when we got done with that, I was like," ""Okay, what else you got?" "You're now, like, an audience favorite." "Like, you know, our whole radio audience, millions of people, they wanna hear you again." "What else you got?"" "He suggested doing a piece about the recent tragedies in my life." "He said, "You need to do that on stage."" "Well, first of all, she made it clear, she had no interest in that at all." "I guess there was a part of me that was a little offended that he would think that there was humor in this." "She didn't know how she would go about that, and she was just, like, it didn't seem fun or interesting in any way at all." "Like, of course he knew I was not gonna do this material." "Like, what, "My mother died, and I can't eat food and I'm withering away." "Ladies, you know what I'm talking about."" "You know, it's like, what?" "Where is the humor?" "I didn't get it." "And then, I found a lump." "The doctor came in and she said," ""We saw the lump." "We found another one."" "And I said, "Wait a minute." "Are you saying that I have cancer?"" "She said, "It is very likely that you do."" "And I was like..." "Immediately in my head, I was like," ""Wait a minute." "My mother just died." "How could this happen?" "Like, I've already been through all this."" "Like, I wanted to pull out these calling cards." "Like, "No, look, I just went through all this stuff, and I can't have cancer."" "I happened to be sobbing on the sidewalk, and Flanagan, the owner of Largo, sent me a text," ""Are we doing the show or not?"" "I just..." "I love stand-up so much." "I wanted to do it one more time." "Maybe that seems utterly insane, but as soon as I was diagnosed with cancer, everything came over me as funny." "And I got a sense of humor 'cause it just was so ridiculous." "After everything that had happened, I have cancer?" "And so, I just started writing." "That was such a major risk, 'cause it could have easily been my last show ever that bombed awkwardly and then I died." "I'm now very thrilled, and it is my great privilege to bring to the stage." "Tig Notaro." "Hello." "Good evening, hello." "People were laughing and staring at, like, "This is a weird opening."" "When people were realizing it was true," "I was also seeing people crying in the audience." "And it was..." "It was very intense because it was also reflecting back at me." "Like, this is really happening to you." "It's one of those rare times I've had as" "I've had it, like, maybe three times in my career, where the person going on in front of you is so good, you stop being the next comic, and you become an audience member." "I texted my girlfriend," "I was sitting there watching, and I texted," ""Tig is doing something historic right now."" "You know, I stood behind this piano and Tig was there, and Louis was behind that curtain." "And so, I'm looking at Louis and he's crying." "And I was crying, and we're laughing." "And then I could see the audience's reactions, as well." "And the audience were, like, standing up and clapping, and then sitting down." "And then she was saying, "Oh, don't be so sad."" "And people were, like..." "Didn't know really quite..." "But everybody felt to be into the spirit of it." "I remember turning around on stage, and I almost started crying when that guy just yelled out for me to not stop." "They gave me a standing ovation, but I had zero sense that that show was gonna change my life." "I woke up the next day," "I had hundreds of e-mails." "My voicemail was full, text messages would not stop." "I was like, "What happened?"" " It went viral overnight." " And I was like..." ""Okay." "I didn't understand..." "What went viral?" You know." "There was no video." "There was nothing there." "It was just the idea that this show happened went viral." "All these huge publications were wanting to talk to me." "Louis C.K. was saying, "Everyone needs to hear that show." "You should release it as an album."" "And there were book offers coming in." "I was thinking, "Am I even gonna be alive to finish a book?"" "Some days, I felt on top of the world and, like, "I'm gonna beat this."" "And then I would be in bed the next minute or the next day in fetal position, staring at my ceiling, just, like," ""What is happening, and I'm gonna die, and I want my mother."" "And it was just hitting me that I was on my own, in a massive way." "Do it, Todd!" " Who will do a set?" " Todd!" "Do your Conan set." "Do it." "I'm riddled with cancer." "Come on, Todd." "Poor Todd." "Sarah, you get it going." "Do a set." "Well, okay!" "Oh, is this funny?" "If I go like, "Can I ask you something?" "And be honest with me."" "And the person's like, "Of course."" ""Are you farting?"" "I hope that's funny." "I think that's funny." "It takes a while to get there." "It's a thinker." "And a stinker." "Tig, you still got it." " Sarah?" " I'm looking at jokes." "You didn't think what I said was funny?" "A stinker?" "You said it was a thinker, and I said it was a stinker." "I did think it was funny." "I'm sorry." "I was thinking about me and my laughs." "This show is awkward." "When I came out of surgery, I woke up to my doctor saying..." ""We got it all." "You're gonna be fine." "It didn't spread."" "And I was just like, "Oh, my God."" "Just the relief of, "Wait, so this is over now?"" "What is your latest prognosis?" " Well, I had-- - 'Cause you had the surgery." "I had surgery, I did." "Yeah." "Double mastectomy." "Who's your doctor, the Fonz?" "They got all the cancer and it did not spread." "And my prognosis is great, so..." "Best news anybody here has heard in a long time." "When the album came out, I was getting e-mails from Louis, like, every hour." "Just clearly giddy." "5,000, 10,000, 25..." "You know, it just kept growing and growing, and I was like," ""That is so crazy."" "You had been diagnosed with breast cancer." "You were diagnosed with cancer." "Things really blew up for you with this one show at the Largo." "You had a deadly colon infection, your mother passed away, then you were diagnosed with cancer." " There you go." "Great." " Awesome." "This is Live." " I'm pronouncing this correctly?" " Yeah." "I like the idea that people will always think it's Tig Notaro Live." "And..." "I'll always have to correct them and say, "No, it's Live."" "I also had breast cancer and had a bilateral mastectomy as well." "It's not that cancer or breast cancer is not serious, it's not that losing your breasts is not serious." "All of it sucks." "Hey." "It was just so nice to hear somebody make a joke about it." "My mom had cancer." "I just wanna thank you for the example you were of just being real about life." " How're you feeling?" "You good?" " Scared." "Meanwhile, underneath my shirt, the non-glamorous side of things is..." "I have scars across my chest and no nipples." "And my mother got up to probably go to the bathroom." "She's dead." "The press was amazing and the people were great." "But the hype definitely stressed me out." "Well, again..." "Getting interviewed several times a day and being asked, in every interview," ""What is your comedy like?" "Are you a different comedian?" "What is your material?" "Who are you now?"" "It's pressure, like, "Gosh, I don't even know."" "Hi." "My name is Tig Notaro." "I had cancer and now people take my picture a lot." "Even after my scars healed and I was in remission," "I couldn't process everything that was happening." "So how does that work?" "Comedians, like, when you release an album like that?" "Do you, like, do a tour, where you kind of go around?" "I mean, typically..." "'Cause obviously you're not gonna repeat the show." "Yeah, no." "Do you go on a little tour at least just to promote it?" "I mean, typically, I would." "But now, I'm in this weird place where I can't really go on stage and be like, "Hi, I have cancer."" "You're right." "So I'm just trying to write new material so I can start touring again." "Right." "Um, I'm in a very unusual situation." "There's no way to follow up that album." "I had started to feel so insecure." "As a comedian," "I didn't know what I was saying." "My album was number one on the charts, but my confidence was at an all-time low." "I had to somehow make up for what was missing now." "And I didn't know what to do or where to begin." "Pass Christian is what I consider my hometown." "It's where my family is from and where I spent summer vacation." "Just this is where my brother and I both identify in that way of it being our hometown." "I think it being my mother's hometown..." "I can adjust to my body being different and I can adjust to eating different." "That's all fine." "It's just losing my mother isn't fine." "I was feeling very alone." "This next street, that's my cousin's street." " Put your hat on." " On Tig." " Tig, put your hat on." " No." "Just come on." "So how are you doing after the cancer?" "Like, it's gone?" "I mean, as far as we know." "I do start treatment soon." "My cancer is fed by hormones, and so I have to block my hormones for five years." "So will your voice go down more?" " Maybe?" " What do you mean "more"?" "It may." "It may." " What do you mean "more"?" " See, it would." "Like that." "You look like Tom Cruise on Top Gun right now." "Doesn't she?" "Seriously." "I can't believe you've brought another human into this situation." "He's so wonderful." "Look at those legs." "Family's always been important to me." "I've always wanted a child and a family." "Right before I was ill," "I was a step away from starting to try and have a child." "Here's your hand smiley faces." "Great." "Thank you." "See, it does look like..." "That is pretty." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "When my mother died," "I switched into this mode of not wanting kids, 'cause I was thinking, "My mother can't meet my kids."" "It seemed pointless." "And then I was talking to my friend that I grew up with, and she said, "Tig, just the fact that you could tell your kids about your mother, or the fact that you could see your mother in your kids," "that's reason enough to have children."" "People always..." "When I say I want kids, they always say, "Oh, my-- Your life is gonna totally change."" "And I'm like," ""Yeah, I know." "It's not like I haven't thought about that."" "Like, "Oh, I thought I could just sleep in and go do open mics at night." "I'm gonna have to watch these things or feed them?" "What do they need?"" "Uh..." "Of course my life is gonna change." "That's what I want." "I want my life to change." "But now, because I've had cancer, I can't carry a child." "So I have to have a surrogate carry my child, if I can even have a kid." "But even to have my eggs extracted," "I have to take hormones." "They think they got it all, but there could be cancerous cells in me." "And if there are cancerous cells in me, and I take the hormones, that's the gas on the fire." "It starts it up again." "I was moving in the direction of trying to have kids." "Okay." "And to extract the eggs, they want to do hormones." "Even after a mastectomy," " breast cancer risk is not zero." " Mmm." "When it comes back outside of the breast, it's considered not curable." "Having a child may be something to reconsider." "Mmm-hmm." "You know, sometimes in life we don't always get what we want." "Right." "I didn't know that." "I was told that my cancer could come back, that the concern would be blood or bone or lung, or whatever, but nobody said if it comes back, it's not treatable." "That's the first I'd heard of that." "That's not like," ""Oh!" "Yeah, that meeting went well." "That feels good."" "Okay, so I'll just hope my cancer doesn't come back." "Great." "I feel just stuck, not knowing how to make a choice." "I don't sit at a computer and write my jokes." "I write a word down and then I'll go on stage and I work out the concept on stage." "It was truly starting over." "I felt like I was a brand new comedian." "You guys know that song "Rapper's Delight"?" "It's a classic song, and I was listening to it." "I don't know if you realize, that song is 15 minutes long." "Holy shit, that's, like, so long." "I'm performing for the first time, doing stand-up, in six months, since my Largo set." "Six months is a long time to have not gotten on stage." "If you wanna do 20 minutes, you're welcome to." "If you wanna do 30, you can too." "It really doesn't matter." "If I get scared and leave, that's fine too?" "Yeah." "You do two, that's totally cool." "What about one?" "What if I leave now?" " Don't leave now." " Okay." "I'm gonna go back and" " But I'll introduce you." " Okay." " Thanks, Tig." " Yep, thank you." "I was nervous 'cause nothing in my life was funny or good for so long and I didn't feel hilarious, but I just was like, "I have to do this."" "Where's the..." "How do I get on the stage?" "There's two doors, it's the one on the left." " It's just this door?" " Yeah." " And then I'm on stage?" " Yeah." "Yeah." " Oh." "Easy." " Yeah." "Please welcome right now to the stage, Tig Notaro, everyone." "Good, good, good." "Um..." "Gosh," "I don't know what to say." "I had some cancer." "I did, I had some cancer." "Um..." "I, uh..." "I've made a lot of jokes over the years about how flat-chested I was." "And I had breast cancer, and I often think, you know," ""Did they overhear... all of the joking?"" "And were just like, "You know what?" "She does not appreciate us."" ""Do you hear her?" "She's doing it again." "Yeah, now we're in Kansas City and now she's telling them." "We've been flying all over this country and she's just being so rough on us." "You know what?" "Let's get out of here."" "I had to just go through the motions and..." "It was so embarrassing when I would stop into a club and wanna get on stage, and after all of the press of my album, people would introduce me and say," ""Boy do we have a special treat for you tonight."" "And I was like, "No!" "No!" "I have no material," you know." ""One of the best comics out there."" "No." "I don't have" "I'm just trying to walk on stage again and hold a microphone." "Oh, gosh." "Ladies and gentlemen, here tonight, once again we have, Tig Notaro is here." "I'm really nervous right now." "I feel like I am going to, uh..." "just wrap up now." "Thank you so much." "You guys are such a great audience." "I was walking in, um..." "New York." "I'll work this out on my own time." "This is my own time." "This is my time." "I'm on fire right now." "I'm trying to make things right." "So..." "You guys seem to really laugh at the cancer stuff." "The material, it's barely there." "So I'm basically showing up and, uh..." "scrambling." "It's embarrassing." "I struggled a week ago on stage like I hadn't in years." "And what it did do was put a fire under me, 'cause I was like, "I'm horrible." "I'm horrible at what I do these days, so I need to work on this."" "Patient risk of infection, hemorrhage, drug reaction, anesthesia reaction, blood vessel inflammation." "And then initial at the bottom." "Injury to other organs, neurological reaction, other risks." "It's such a weird feeling to be reading something that's like," ""This could happen, including death."" "And you're like, "Okay."" "No problem." "Whatever it takes." "Out we go." "I want to be cremated." "Get your will in place." "Tig, stop it." "It does not say that." " How painful is this?" " Not too bad." "It's in." "What, am I gonna back out and not do this?" "I would live with regret." "You either live with regret or you die." "What are you gonna choose?" "You're gonna choose death." "Fun way to start your day." "Keep going." "Go in fast?" "You can do it." "Not too fast but..." " How far in?" " All the way in." "Ugh." "Oh, God, this is horrible." "I don't know if I can do this." "All the way in." "There you go." "Push." "All the medication in." "Ow!" "Had some emotional days." "I was in the hotel room in Saint Paul and, uh..." "I had what I thought was the funniest, saddest moment, 'cause I was alone in a hotel room in Saint Paul, injecting my stomach with fertility drugs." "And in my brain... this voice went, "You know you're single when..."" "You know, there I was, alone in Saint Paul, injecting myself, hoping to have children." "Like, wanting to, like, build a family, but the hormones making me emotional to where I wanted to throw myself out of a window." "So, it was such a funny cycle that," ""God, what if I killed myself in the process of trying to have a child?"" "You're doing awesome." "What that means is, basically you've done eight days of shots." "Mmm-hmm." "You're supposed to have 16 to 20 millimeter follicles and you have 20, 20, 19, 17, 17, 17, 19, 19, 19." "Now this is... what a 30-some-odd-year-old person does." "Thirty what?" " Oh, now you wanna know how of 30?" " Okay." "Yeah, so, like, you know, 35 or younger." " That's really good." "I mean..." " Great." "Just, apparently, either you're not sure about your date of birth, or your ovaries didn't get the memo." "On Wednesday, we do the procedure." "We need sperm that morning, and then that's it." "We're gonna tell you how many fertilized the next day, how many are dividing the day after, and then we're gonna decide how many we're gonna freeze on day three or day five." " Hey." " Hey, how are you?" "I decided to choose my friend Paris to be the donor." "I had a crush on him when I was a kid." "And my mother always wished I would be with or end up with him." "Until I started bringing girlfriends around." "What a funny route." "It's all my mother ever wanted." "Thank you." "Is that your specimen?" "We have about six excellent eggs, nine good eggs, and one poor." " So that's good." " Nice." " All right." " All right." " That's great." "Yeah." " That's awesome, isn't it?" "Tomorrow I'll call you and tell you how many fertilized." "I'm getting iron via IV." "Via IV." "I've had extremely low iron." "My oncologist attributes it to all the hospitalization and surgery and... everything I've been through." "I ran into this girl that I had worked with and then, um... we, uh... started hanging out." "I met Stephanie on In a World." "She was my love interest in the movie." "You should cut your hair." "Stop trying to woo me by being mean." "Doesn't work." " You wanna get a drink later?" " Okay." "I've been acting since I was 18." "I moved to Los Angeles after I dropped out of high school." "Tell me about that." "I had a 4.1 GPA and I dropped out my senior year with a semester to go." "Very much like, "No, this is what I wanna do, and I'm gonna do it." "And I'll let everything fall into place."" "The next time I saw Stephanie was almost a year later." "In a World was going to Sundance." "Tig was sitting behind me at the premiere, and any time she came onscreen she'd lean forward and go," ""I had cancer and I didn't know it." "I have cancer right there."" "When I gave her my number, I said, "Don't text me too much."" "I said, "I just went out with this girl that wouldn't stop texting me after just having coffee one day."" "That girl texted me "sweet dreams" before bed, and I was like, "Oh..."" "Just seemed like a bit much after the one coffee." "So, I told Stephanie, "If you're an excessive texter, please leave me out of it."" "When I went home, I got a text that just said..." "That just said, "Sweet dreams,"" "and it made me laugh so hard." "We started this bit almost of..." ""Ugh, traffic!"" "She would text me something like that, or just something very..." "Just daily minutia." "And then we started texting all the time." "I was waiting for this stupid back and forth" "It seemed like she had a team of writers writing for her." "She was so funny." "We were texting for hours on end every day." "I was becoming the person that I didn't understand before." "I thought Stephanie was so hilarious that I wanted to incorporate her in whatever I was doing." "I went through a lot last year, and yeah, not to be totally intense, heavy, serious, but, you know, I learned that it's important to, uh... to be present and live your life." "Sorry." "My phone." "I forgot to turn my phone off." "What you're saying is you went through this intense experience." "Right." "And it taught you that, you know, you need to..." " To just" " You get one life and you need to..." "Yeah, just, you know, love the people you're with and enjoy your life, and just to be..." "I'm sorry." "Just to be present." "Uh..." "I'm sorry." "My friend sends me the funniest cat pictures." "You went through a..." "a harrowing experience..." " I-- - ...where you thought maybe your life is threatened." " No, my life was threatened." " Yeah." "Do you mind, I, uh..." "I want..." "I..." "She has this really funny picture." "Do you mind if I call her?" "Go ahead." "That's fine." " Hello?" " Hey." "Hey!" "Hey, what are you doing?" "Uh..." "Nothing, just..." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "We didn't plan that Conan segment out at all." "I remember her going," ""Just, when I call you, answer, and just be really boring."" "So then I heard the audience laughing," "I'm like, "Oh, my God." "Tig is the funniest person I've ever met."" "I couldn't tell exactly how I felt or how she felt." "I just knew I really looked forward to hearing from her." "And she made me laugh so hard, so... it started to creep in my head, like," ""Do I like this person more than a friend?"" "I had stolen the kitten." "I felt like Tig was interested in me, but I had told her that I was only interested in men." "It was very clear and we'd talk about it and then it was done, and then we'd just talk about something else." "Now, fellas, we should get into the show." "Michelle, you're on to talk about pregnancy, right?" "Yes." "Yes, I'm an expert in the area of being pregnant." "I'm 42." "I had cancer, and I was told I couldn't carry a child for five years." "So if there's somebody out there that wants to carry a baby for me, please get in touch with Aaron and let me know." "The phones are ringing off the hook!" "These people wrote in and their e-mail seemed totally normal." "You know, I had Aaron, my assistant, e-mail with them, and they still seemed normal." "I might Skype with them, and be like, "Oh, my Lord." "Bye-bye."" "This is so awkward." ""Hi, will you carry my child?"" "Hello." " Hi." " Hi, there." "I don't know where to begin." " I mean, this is just so bizarre." " Yeah." "But, um..." "Like I said in my initial e-mail, I was, kind of, you know..." "We're glad to do all this, but we're both also curious how you would wanna see it go," "I mean, in terms of the weirdness of the fact we're states apart and stuff." "Your dream scenario," " what would you love?" " Yeah, that's a good way to put it." "Yeah, I don't know." "I mean, I'm kinda just really open." "After this crazy year that I had, one of the really positive things that came from it is being more open to people than I've ever been." "And people have shown just such generosity and love and kindness in a way that it's just, my head is exploding." "And I..." "This is not something I would've done a year ago." "I was so much more closed off." "So..." "I'll come up for the weekend and..." " and get to know you guys a little better." " Sure." "Sounds like a plan." "Awesome." "Well, thanks..." "thanks so much." "And I look forward to meeting y'all." " Thank you." " All right." " All right." " Okay, bye." "See you in Seattle." " Okay, bye-bye." " Okay, bye." "Oh, my God." "What am I doing?" "Just dropping by to see an old friend." " Hello." " Hello, how are you?" " How are you?" " Hello!" " This is Harpo." " Harpo!" "You're tiny and cute." "Harpo." "He's just kinda waking up, so he's like, "Blah!"" "Hi!" "We're friends." "Yeah." "Oh!" "You're very cute." "I know, I need a haircut." " Hey." " Hi." "He's home." "Told you he wouldn't be long." "Do you know that guy?" "Amanda has talked in the past about providing surrogacy for her sister, for a best friend, and those didn't need to happen, it turned out." "So it never really happened." "But I thought, you know, Amanda's talked about doing this before." "Maybe this could..." "Maybe this would work out somehow." "You wanna go back and forth, have a question off?" "Sure." "Do either of you have a criminal record?" " No." " Nope." " Does Harpo?" " Not yet." "The father..." "Should I be treating you as a couple, or should I be treating you as an individual?" " As an individual." " Okay." "But I mean, he's also one of my closest, oldest friends." "Yeah." "I would just think, for your own sanity, you're gonna want to have people around." "That looks fun, Harpo." "Oh, I ruined it." "Will you be doing, like, a will?" "Like, a revised one for the potential child?" "'Cause if something happened to you, God forbid, while I was pregnant, it would be nice to know kinda what the game plan," " or who to talk to about the situation." " Mmm-hmm." "I have not done that, but I'm trying to go about this in a... reasonable... as reasonable and thorough as you can," " getting a surrogate through a podcast." " Yeah." "Here you go." "What an interesting door." "Ah, I see." "One of those." " Hey!" "Hi, Harpo." " How's it going?" "He's all stinky-bottom." "Yeah." "I know." "Harpo, you should've used a toilet." "What were you thinking?" "Harpo, what do you think of L.A.?" "I'm gonna go hold her hand if you feel like watching a little baby for a while." " Absolutely." " Everything he needs is in there." "Enjoy." "Nice, dear." "Harpo!" "Let's hang." " Have fun, buddy." " Hi!" "Hi!" "You're so easygoing, it's ridiculous." "What baby just gets handed off to essentially a stranger and just starts laughing and smiling?" "Harpo." "That's who." "This is an interesting technique." "That is not how I read magazines, but you know, I'm..." "I'm not here to judge." "Okay." " Her uterus looks very normal." " Okay." "And the uterine cavity basically has no lesions in it and it looks great." " Okay." "Uh-huh." " Gorgeous." "No, just the black team." "Stephanie had been hanging out very casually." "We had almost six months of going to dinner, hanging out, bowling, and I reached a point where I realized I wanted to be with her." "It started to grow into this thing of not just being into her, but somebody where there was potential and somebody that I felt like I could really get serious about." "It was hard to stay as casual as we were." "We were texting, we were having dinner, we were hanging out." "We'd stay till the restaurant closed." "We'd talk in our car until the sun came up." "But it was such a mystery to me with it being a woman that I couldn't..." "If it was a guy, I'd be like, "Of course we were dating."" "But in my mind, I..." "Every time I'd see her, I was like, "What am I doing?"" "Like, I couldn't figure it out." "And then, she was being interviewed by the GRAMMYs Association." "I went to it, and I remember that night going," ""I feel like I'm on a date with her."" "You know, a lot of people have asked if it bummed me out that..." "You know, they're like, "Oh, I've been a fan of yours for years,"" "and, you know, "I can't believe it took cancer to..." you know." "And for a little while, I think I was like, "Yeah!"" "You know." "But then I thought about it, and it's not cancer that brought the attention." "It was..." "I was doing stand-up." " And that's what I do." " Mmm-hmm." "So I'm..." "I'm okay with how I reached where I am." "Tig Notaro." "Thank you." "But this is something they do all the time?" "Yeah, with, like, Stevie Nicks" " and people like that." " Oh, cool." "But not, like, people like me." "I wasn't comfortable hearing my album." " Really?" " Oh, it makes me so uncomfortable." " And you've only listened to it once?" " Mmm." "It's fun to see you listen to it." " Really?" " Yeah." "Could you tell I was uncomfortable?" " No?" " No." " But you don't know me well." " Not that you were like..." "Not that you were like, "Yeah!" "Turn it up!"" " "Turn it up." "I love this part." "Shh!" - "This part."" " "Ah, yeah!" "Cancer." - "Every time."" ""I get cancer every time right here."" "I had no plans to talk to her about our relationship, but by the end of the night, I think just hanging out with her, it really came over me." "I wanna commit to this person... and..." "I felt like if that wasn't gonna happen, I needed to step away." "That night, she said, "I can't do this anymore."" "And I immediately just said, "Okay, fine."" "Because I was like, "What am I doing to this person?"" "And, "This isn't fair."" "And, "She's so clear on how she feels, and in her life, and it's... it's nothing."" "And here I'm gonna be like, "Well, I just..." "Can I try?" "And I don't know how..." "if it's gonna be right." "And it's just gonna be, like, a waste of time."" "So we, sort of, ended it." "I was so sad." "Give it up for Ms. Tig Notaro." "It's Tig Notaro!" "I have a joke about my boobs overhearing all of my "oh, them little titty" jokes," " and being like..." " Uh-huh." ""She doesn't even appreciate us." "Let's just get out of here."" "That was funny." "I feel like I did that one night, and people were like..." "Oh!" "But I think, maybe I didn't have the confidence." "If you can pull it off and make them feel comfortable," "I think that'd be a winner." "Oh, my God, here's an idea that I had." " This is dumb!" " Oh!" "I know." "This is a headline from The Onion that made me laugh so hard." "What is that?" ""Seagull with diarrhea barely makes it... barely makes it to crowded beach in time."" " Oh, my God." " I would..." "I would wake up... and think about that and just start laughing." " That is so funny." " So..." "I'm wanting to write a bit about your brain, like, can't move on." "Like, everyone's moved on." "'Cause there are people that move on from that just fine." " Right." " I can't move on." "That is really funny." "And then I'll go into diarrhea." "And then I'll go into" "I... have spent years making fun of how flat-chested I am." "And then..." "I got bilateral breast cancer." "Thank you." "Good night." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Cancer!" "Um..." "Yeah, it just seems like, probably my chest was overhearing all the jokes over the years, and they were just like, "You know what, let's get out of here."" "I'm gonna go work on some new material." "The good news is, nice new rack." "I've been working tirelessly on building a new hour of material." "I did this live Professor Blastoff tour." "Welcome." "It just was helping ease back into live performance." "Everything was fun and there was no pressure." "Go!" "She" " Look at her!" "That's how she's been the whole night." "Then it picks up momentum." "I love this." "Love when there's a snort." "It's old muscles that get worked out." " That wasn't me." " Nobody said it was you." "Can you come here?" "What do you mean, "No"?" "And you're like, "Oh, yeah, this is what I do." "This is completely my thing."" "Two minutes!" "I felt like I had accomplished something." "But I still have no idea if I'm ready to do this anniversary show." "Please welcome Tig Notaro, everybody!" "Stephanie and I didn't talk for weeks." "When she said this is done," "I went into this zone where I was so sad." "Then it sunk in, really." "I was, like, I don't know how to go forward in my life without... this person." "She called me and said she'd like to come over and talk to me about things." "I knew if I don't say yes to this in my life, then I am not following my feelings and my heart." "She just sat down next to me on the couch and just said..." ""I've missed you and just been miserable."" "I said, "I..." "I have feelings for you." "I would really love to try this."" "And then, from that night until now, truly, have been inseparable." "We were just together after that." "With Tig, my love is, like, it spills out of me and I just feel like I'm always smiling." "I wish it was." "On the red carpet." "I loved meeting her family." "And they're all very extroverted, welcoming people." "It's like, "Oh, Tig likes you?" "Well, then you're in the family."" " I love you." " I love you, too." "I've been in love before, and I have dated so many people." "But I have not been in love like this before." "I got great news the other day that I had nine embryos that thawed and all lived." "But then I got not great news yesterday that only one is viable." "So that was a rough day, yesterday." "But..." "I feel very excited and very positive about it." "We have one shot one time." "Yeah, I wanna stay positive and I want this to happen." "Harpo." "I knew she was having a baby when we started dating, but I didn't want to presume that it was ours." "And I don't think she wanted to put that on me, like, "Okay, well, if you're gonna date me, well, you're also gonna be a mother."" "Oh!" "I would keep it away from her, and then I remember one day, there was some meeting or call, or something that came up, and then she said, "Wait, why didn't you tell me about that?"" "And I said, "Well, you know, I just don't wanna scare you or make you nervous."" "And she was like, "Are you out of your mind?"" "She said, "I'm excited about this." "I wanna be a part of this."" "Stephanie and I would like to have five kids." "It was her idea." "But I'm on board." "There'd be fifty toes." " That's a lot of toes to clip." " That's a lot of toes." "Yeah." "Do you have a minute so I can talk with you?" " Totally have a minute." " Come on in." "This way." " This is the embryo that is normal." " Okay." "It has made it to the blastocyst stage and it's hatching." "And is that what we have this explosion for?" " Yes." " Yes!" "So you now have hatching." "So that is awesome." "By the way, are you okay" " with knowing the sex of the..." " Yeah." "It's gonna be a boy." "So now it's time for us to basically put him in." "Is there any way to put in a request that you try even harder than you've ever tried?" "Try hard." "Okay, now I got the catheter in my hand." "Now, the embryo is right here." "I'm gonna put it in and then slide it out." "Okay?" "Come on, Jack." "What, you named it already?" " Yeah?" " In trying to stay positive." " I love it." "Jack." " Jack Notaro." "Okay, Jack is going in." "Come on, Jack." "Okay, I need the top." "Keep it picture." "I'm going in." " Oh, wow." " I am right there." "This is the moment." "How are you doing, Amanda?" "Good." "And I'm done." "And there is..." " Jack." " Jack." "And this is the picture of the ultrasound." " I felt emotional when that went in." " Yeah?" "I got..." "I was just..." "Yeah." "To go from last year, being told I couldn't have children and not have a shot, to going to... even just having one shot." "I'm excited." "I have way more... to be excited and positive about than I did a year ago." "I couldn't be happier." "Well, obviously, here he is." "That's Jack." "So that's pretty exciting." "And then, this is Jack... hatching." "Those are the only two photos we've taken of him." "Trust me, if there were options to have more, they'd be all over the place." "Today is the day... we find out if Jack Notaro... is in Amanda, if it took or not." "Stephanie and I joke..." "We joke about, um..." "We say it all the time that, you know, we just want to put little pants on Jack." "And it makes us laugh so hard." "But it's also just a true thing, like..." ""Just show up." " We just want to put little pants on you." - "...pants on you."" "Amanda's pregnancy test, the results are back within three hours." "That is now." "So we're waiting to get that fax coming through." "This is my one last blood connection to my mother." "I know if the news that he's in there, if that is the news," "I don't think it would be possible to have another bad day while I'm alive, you know?" "I just don't see how that would be possible." "It'd just be like, "Here is the cemented good news of... forever." "Enjoy that."" "You know, so..." "There's the doctor." "Oh, my gosh." "There's the doctor." "Oh, boy." "Hello?" "Hi, so I got the results of the blood test, and unfortunately I don't have good news for you." "Uh-huh." "The results came back as less than two for pregnancy test and that means it's negative." "So, I'm sorry, Tig." "It didn't work this time." "It's okay." "Well, there's the news." "So..." "I feel like I did all I could." "Oh, I have to..." "God, I can't focus." " How much time do you want me to do?" " What would you like to do?" " Zero." " Okay." "Perfect." " How much are you gonna do, Tig?" " Probably 45." " Oh, you are?" " Yeah." "Oh, okay." "Uh, what?" " I know." " You're gonna host?" "Flowers from my brother." "It says, "To my beautiful and amazing sister," "I love you and am so proud of you." "The only person that would be more proud would be our mother." "Good luck tonight." "Love, your brother, Renaud."" "Well, this is what I'll be saying tonight." "What if this show is a bomb?" "Oh, my God, it's not gonna happen." "Tonight's the most nervous I've seen her, you know, before this show." "Because this is the show back." "I grew up in the streets of the Grove and..." "Tig is usually a very cool customer." "You never really see her frazzled." "But that night, she may have been nervous." "...say things like, "Not on my watch" and stuff." "All right." "Let's get to the reason why we're all here." "Oh, boy." "God, I remember the day she was born." "The, um..." "The doctor put her on my belly and she was covered in all this goop, and I just said," ""Tig." "I'll call her Tig."" "Please welcome my friend, Tig Notaro." "How's it going?" "Thank you." "I don't have cancer." "Hello, how are you?" "Thank you so much." "You guys have been so, so great." "Oh, my gosh." "I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer." "Word has not gotten out, so..." "And before my diagnosis and the surgery," "I was pretty..." "just relatively flat-chested." "And I've made so many jokes over the years about how flat-chested I was." "I started to think that maybe... my boobs overheard me... and were just, like, "You know what?" "We are sick of this." "Let's kill her."" "I couldn't believe that I was back onstage doing an hour of material." "I felt like the intro to Mary Tyler Moore." "I felt like I tossed my hat in the air, and I just felt like I was back." "Good night." "Ready to adopt children?" "Can't wait." "You don't have to." " Hi." " Hi." "We've both, sort of, decided that we wanna look into adoption, and I'm also interested in having kids of my own together." "So I think we're gonna end up having a bunch of kids in different ways." "We need to get a subscription to Parent magazine... immediately." "Hello." " Hi." " How are you guys?" "I'm Jennifer." " Oh, I'm Tig." " Tig, nice to meet you." " Hi, Stephanie." " Stephanie, nice to meet you." "Come on back." "Are we gonna put all our bathroom stuff together in the one downstairs?" "I have no idea." "It'll all be a mystery that unfolds." "Buying this house has been bittersweet because it's the greatest place." "I wish my mother could be here to see what Stephanie and I are building together, and I wish that I could... share Stephanie with my mother." "In here." "This is where children are gonna go." "We're gonna have two single beds." "We'll put one little newborn infant on each bed and just hope they stay there at night." "We'll just tell them to stay." "Oh, yeah, we'll just tell them to stay in bed." "This definitely feels like..." " the beginning of the family." " Yeah." "Going through everything that I did, it has changed my life as a person, as a performer." "I just feel so much more keenly aware of how happy and thankful I am for what I have, and I..." "I feel very lucky." "This is what being alive is all about." "Just that idea of taking risks and seeing the payoff." "You know, it's so cliché, but it's like you're alive... so you might as well take chances." "This is so exciting."