"Previously on Two and a Half Men..." "I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me." " Will you marry me?" " Yes, I will marry you!" "I was wondering if you'd do me the honor of being my best man." " What?" " What?" "Larry, where can I put this poop?" "This is my sister, Gretchen." "She just moved here." "Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman!" "I think the computer just read his thoughts!" "The guy I had dinner with last night offered me a job in San Francisco." " Where does that leave us?" " I have to take this." "Sorry, buddy." "I'm here for you." " If you wanted to go with her..." " Thank God." "I thought about what you said and I don't wanna work for Google." "I wanna stay and work with you." "We're gonna do great things together." "All right." "So where do I sleep?" "So where do I sleep?" " Hello?" " Hey." " Jake?" " Barry." "Did you break into this house and kill Walden?" "Because if you did, just know." "I'm one hell of a roommate." "No, I'm a friend of Walden's." "I'm gonna be crashing here for a few days." "Actually, Walden would probably say I'm his best friend." "Really?" "Because I have a picture of us at Splash Mountain that refutes that statement." "What's that you're cooking?" "Cinnamon-French toast." "Walden's favorite." " Walden's allergic to cinnamon." " No, Walden is allergic to nutmeg." "Touché." "What's his birthday, favorite color and worst fear?" "July 12th, forest green, dying in your arms." "Coffee?" "Cream, two Splendas?" " Wait, you know what I like, too?" " I know a lot of things." "I know you're sleeping with Lyndsey, who is engaged to Larry, who thinks you're Jeff Strongman." "And you just went on a date with Gretchen, Larry's sister." "And your worst fear is not dying in this house." "Witch!" " Get out of my head!" " Something smells good." "That is the cinnamon-French ta-tas." "Hey, you must be Jake!" "Give your cousin Jenny a hug." " That's not Jake." " Shut up, Dad." " Morning." " Hey, Berta." "Welcome home, Jake." "That's not Jake." "That's Walden's friend, Barry." "Berta, making a special batch of French toast for you, topped with a dollop of marijuana butter." "I like Not-Jake." "All right, who wants the first batch?" "(CHATTERING)" "Hell, no!" "♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫" "Hey." "Extra, extra!" "Alan boards the Titanic!" "Read all about it!" "You're just jealous." "Jealous of what?" "Your role in the Newsies remake?" "I will have you know that the salesgirl at Goodwill said that I looked dashing." "Why are you wearing this outfit?" "Going out with Gretchen again tonight." "What, as her date or her caddie?" "That reminds me." "I got to get a cover for my wood." "Why are you going out with her again?" "What do you mean?" "I like her, she likes me." "Honestly, I can see myself spending Jeff Strongman's life with her." "Okay, unlike Jeff Strongman, she is a real person, with real feelings." "And real..." "I know, I know." "I don't wanna hurt her." "If that's the case, then you need to walk away." "I will, I will, you're right." "Right after I have sex with her." "No!" "Well, I'm not gonna walk away while I'm having sex with her." "That would be rude." "Hey, Jeff Strongman looks good in that hat." "Top of the day to you, too, sir." "Wait, you can tell when he's not Alan?" "Oh, yeah." "Jeff exudes a quiet confidence." "Whereas Alan just exudes." "Is there a shower I can use?" "Yeah, Alan's room's down the hall, on the left." " What about Jenny's?" " She's in there with Brooke." "I don't think I can go in again "by accident"." "But what about your bathroom?" "They're all my bathrooms!" "Alan's shower." "Great." "So, is this a pee-in-the-shower or not-pee-in-the-shower household?" "Not-pee-in-the-shower." "So, it's a pee-in-the-shower and-lie-about-it household." "Don't touch my shower-porn!" "That stuff took a long time to laminate." "Everything you say is weird!" "Look, I know you're upset about Barry moving in with us." "But hitting me with a 25-cent hat is not gonna solve anything!" "He's not moving in!" "He's just staying for a couple days while we brainstorm some new ideas." "Walden, you are such a pushover." "Somebody else said they were gonna stay for a few days." "Remember?" "Believe me, I remember." "Here we are, four months later and Jenny's still living with us." "Why can't you hear yourself?" "♫ (SINGS SUMMER LOVIN' FROM GREASE) ♫" " Maybe we should start again." " Why, was I pitchy?" "You're so adorable." "And you have broccoli in your teeth." " You wanna get it, for me?" " A kiss and a free meal." "Yum." "I've never had broccoli and tongue before." "I got to say I love that hat on you." "It's funny, I gave one just like that to Goodwill." "Yeah, yeah, this is the same one." "Well, thanks again for dinner tonight." " Next one's on you, though." " Absolutely." "Speaking of which, I'm not sure we should keep seeing each other." "We don't have to go somewhere expensive." "God, you're making this so hard." "That's what he said." "Oh, peas, pod." "No, it's just, you know." "I'm Larry's best man and you're his sister." "What if things go wrong and we screw up the wedding?" "Look, I like you and I think you like me." "If it'll make you more comfortable we can keep it a secret for now." "I mean, if you're good at keeping secrets." "I don't know." "Strongman in German means "honest man"." " Is that true?" " Jawohl." "But I suppose we could keep it under ze radar." "So, you know, Larry and Lyndsey are in Palm Springs for the weekend." " They are?" " Yeah." "You wanna come inside?" " That's what she said!" " That's what he said!" "This is awesome." "These are the best graphics I've ever seen." "The cops shot my tires out." "Now I'm running." "Wait, this isn't a video game." "We're watching a car-chase on the news." "So I didn't score that three-pointer to win the Laker game, either?" "Are you sure you're not Jake?" "I'm not sure." "Hey, are you guys really lesbians?" "Or are you like those "lesbians" from Craigslist, that came over and tied me up and stole my laptop?" "If we weren't, would we do this?" "Okay, Brain, you are high, but I need you to remember this." "Forget calculus if you have to." "Nobody heard the pizza guy at the door?" "I told you we wouldn't have to get up." "Told you we wouldn't have to pay for it." "Is this you guys have been doing the whole day?" "No, we spent an hour trying to find where you hid your bong." "Which knocked me into overtime, FYI." "Walden, I am loving it here." "I mean, pizza, lesbians, weed scavenger hunts." "Nobody paying rent." "It just keeps getting better." "Barry, can I talk to you for a second?" "ALL:" "You're in trouble!" "Is this why you're here?" "To hang out, get high, eat pizza?" "I feel this is a trick question." "Listen, I thought you were here to work on a new project with me." "No, no, no, I am." "I am." "Okay, okay, check out this idea." "Brooke and Jenny make out earlier, and I thought to myself, what if we filmed lesbians doing stuff to each other?" "And then, we put that on the internet." " How has no one thought of that?" " I know!" "You know what?" "It's too late for them." "They're a lost cause." "We can hear you." "I will give any of you a hundred dollars." "All you have to do is come up here and take it from me." " We're good." " Later." "Did you see that?" "Don't be them!" "I only let you stay for a few days to help you transition." "Okay, okay, I got another idea." "Bacon-flavored eggs." "All me and you got to figure out is how to make the chicken and the pig have sex." "Maybe you could show them the lesbian porn." "(LAUGHING)" "Wait, wait, wait, I have an idea." "What if you got the chickens drunk?" "Would that work?" "I've got laid a lot by getting chicks drunk." "Hey, Berta, what about you?" "You ever been with a woman?" "Have you?" "There you are." "Get down off that couch, you naughty boy." "A quarter." "Hey, this hat just paid for itself." "Give me that." "Drop it." "Ruh-roh." "So how was Palm Springs?" " What the hell's going on here?" " It isn't what it looks like." "Looks like you're having kinky sex with my sister." "Then it is what it looks like." " I can't believe this." " Me, neither!" "This is the best day of my life!" "What guy doesn't wanna see his best friend bang his sister?" " What?" " What?" "My two favorite people in the world got together!" "Those are your two favorite people?" "Don't worry, you're number three." "If you were banging my sister, you'd be number one." "Well, I'm glad you're so excited about this." "I was worried you were gonna punch me in the face." "If anything, I'd swat your nose with a rolled-up newspaper." "Or cut off your balls." "Well, I'm gonna go get dressed." "I have to take Jeff for a walk." "That special bottle of champagne we were saving for our wedding?" "Let's pop it now!" "Why not?" "I just popped your sister five minutes ago." "Jeff, you are the king!" "Really?" "What are you doing with Larry's sister?" "Just a little game." "I pretend I'm a dog, she rescues me, and then I give her my bone." "All right, Alan, you know what?" "Stop." "Stop being friends with my fiancé, stop dating my fiancé's sister and stop poking me on Facebook!" "It doesn't mean what you think it does!" "You can't tell me what to do!" "I am my own man!" "I will do what I want, with whomever and whenever I want!" "Now excuse me!" "You're standing on my leash." "All the single Barrys All the single Barrys" "Make a turkey sandwich Make a turkey sandwich" "If you like, You shoulda put some cheese on it" "If you like it, You shoulda put some cheese on it" "Mayo-oh-oh-oh" "Hey." " Barry, can I talk to you?" " Sure." "What's up?" "Let me ask you something." "Suppose someone was living with you and you wanted them to leave." "How would you go about making that clear?" "Well, I don't like confrontation." "So I'd probably do something passive-aggressive." "Sit them down and ask them how they would approach..." "Oh, you're asking me to move out." "No, no, no, I'm not asking you to move out." "I'm asking you to move in to the outside." "Man, I'm so sorry." "I've been having a lot of fun here." "You know, everybody's so nice and you've been so welcoming." "Up until just now, when you told me to get out." "Don't get me wrong." "It's not that I don't love having you here." "I don't think I can legally have anyone else live here unless I adopt them." "I'm down for that." "Okay, well, let's table that." "But in the meantime, we'll look for an apartment." "Well, today's kind of already shot." "Maybe pick it up tomorrow?" "Yeah, okay, yeah." "I mean, it's 10:30." "In the morning." "Great, I'm gonna go get high and eat my sandwich out on the deck." "He's never moving out." " Hey." " Oh, hey." "Wait, are you just getting back from your date with Gretchen?" "I had to go back to the restaurant." "I left my hat at the valet stand." "Liar!" "You would never pay for parking." "All right, admit it." "You slept with Gretchen." "You're right, I slept with her." "And I found a broken meter two blocks away from the restaurant." "I thought you were calling it off." "Well, I started to!" "But you know how breakups go." "I mean, you try to be considerate and let her down easy." "Next thing you know, you're wearing a dog-collar and a leash, she lets you lick peanut butter out of a chew-toy between her boobs." "Look at this place." "Hello, apartment." "Goodbye panties, huh?" "I don't think this place is for me." "It just doesn't scream, "Barry."" "It will, when the panties come off." "No." "Plus, the feng shui is just off." "All right, this is the sixth place you didn't like." "And the last one, you said, "was in a bad school district."" " What's going on here?" " Nothing." "Nothing's going on." " I've never really lived alone." " Never?" "When my dad left, I lived with Mom." "And then, boarding school." "In college, I always had roommates." "After college, I lived with Nicole." "I'm like a baby duck, Walden." "When Mama Duck leaves, I cling to the next mama duck." "Okay, but my flock is too big." "So, you got to get the flock out of my house." "I don't think I can make it on my own." "Listen, I know what's going on." "I know how you feel." "I felt the same way when my wife walked out on me." " What'd you do?" " I bought a house." "And let a 45-year-old man and his son live there." "A real Scared Straight moment here." "Let's grab a pizza on the way back." "Barry, listen to me!" "I'm gonna say something to you that I have never said before." "You can't live with me!" "My God." "(LAUGHING)" "I did it." "I'm sorry, you're my first." "No, no, I don't wanna be your first!" "Your first should be special, like a whore your step-dad buys you." "Is an example I just made up." "Listen, you are gonna be okay." "And you can come and visit anytime that you want." "Yeah, just stop on by." "But you can't live with me!" "Now or ever!" "Okay, but I can't just stay here." "Yes, you can!" "I'll take care of the paperwork, then I'll send your stuff over." "You can just make yourself at home!" "But you can't live with me!" "All right, message received." "I'm sorry." "I'm just really excited." "This is a big moment for me." "I'm gonna go find Alan!" "You can't live with me!" "You can't live with me!" "I'm sorry, sir." "But you can't live with me!" "I can't tell you how happy I am you guys are dating." "No offense, sis." "Some of the guys you've brought." "I mean, no job, no house, no car." "Real losers." "Like the deadbeats I used to date before I found Larry." "I've had some real winners in my past, too." "Cheaters, drunks, 45-year-old women trying to pass as 38." "Lyndsey's just turned 38!" "Well, luckily, those people are out of our lives now." "Yeah." "Sometimes, I see their stupid faces right in front of me." "That might be a wine-induced hallucination." "Speaking of wine, a toast to the four of us." "May this be the first of many dinners, celebrations, holidays," " vacations, anniversaries..." " Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it." "To us." "Bottoms up." " I know mine will be." " Bad girl." "We're making them uncomfortable." "Not as uncomfortable as last night." "Having sex with your butt on a hot stove." "We were fooling around in the kitchen and I picked him up in a moment of passion." "I loved it." "Lyndsey doesn't use the stove for cooking or sex." "(LAUGHING)" "Sweetie, what are you doing?" "Don't forget the little butter-packets." "You're my little butter-packet." "Doesn't look like they're thinking about their exes now." "No, it doesn't." " He's thinking about banging..." " I know what he's thinking!" "One roommate down, two to go." "Alan, where are you?" "Hey, there he is." "Barry, what are you doing here?" "Well, you said I could stop by anytime I wanted." "Yeah, but I just left you 17 minutes ago." "I know." "Missed you, too." "Are you done?" "We're in the middle of a game." "Can you go on a beer-run?" "What the hell is going on here?" "This is my house!" "Do you mind?" "Some of us are trying to nap!" "Well, put up a sign that says, "Only one roll of mints per person"." "Lyndsey." "Are you waiting?" "Someone pooping in there?" "What the hell was that about?" ""You're my little butter-packet."" "What upset you more?" "That she stole that bread or my heart?" "So you are doing this just to make me jealous." "No, that's not it, at all." "That's too bad because it's working." "Sorry." "No, I really like Gretchen." "I can't do this." "Jeff Strongman can't, but Alan Harper can." "Works for me." "That a roll of mints in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" "Actually, it is a roll of mints." "And a comb." "And a bottle of Paco Rabanne." "All right, this shot for the win." "Be the ball." "See the cups." "Hey, Barry, check out these cups." "Ball to the face." "First time for everything." "I may need to see that again and again." "Walden, we have security cameras, right?" "Where's Walden?" "I could totally live here." "Screech, will you never learn?" "(LAUGHING)" "(English US" " SDH)"