"I used to be somebody." "Well, let me put it this way," "I used to be a tabloid television producer, the dirtiest, most unethical bastard in the business." "That means I was one of the best." "I was somebody." "But times change." "I got older, new kids moved in." "Suddenly, an old hack like me was unhireable." "And that's how this all started." "Stranded in that hellhole called Los Angeles, out of work, out of options." "And knowing if I was going to work," "I'd have to write my own ticket." "So, I decided to create my own television series." "A travel show for stoners." "I'd find marijuana makers all over the world, smoke dope and drink beer all day, and get paid for it." "Huh, fucking genius if you ask me." "All I needed was a cameraman." "And that's when my old buddy Roland came in." "What's the hook?" "He could use a gig, too." "Only problem?" "He doesn't drink, smoke, or do any drugs at all." "I can tolerate that." "Paying him was out of the question." "So, I plied his imagination with images of exotic locations, gorgeous beaches, beautiful women." "Take Two." "Exotic locations, nude beaches, naked women, all on his air miles." "It wasn't long before Roland was dusting off his gas mask." "It was simple as that." "A brainchild born of pot, booze, and desperation." "And you know what?" "It may have been better if it was never conceived." "Because then, all this never would have happened." "I'm Dave High, and this is my story." "* Pack up your troubles" "* Come on along" "* When I start dreaming" "* And life's a song" "* In Honolulu across the sea" "* Making wiki waki down in Waikiki" "* Those hula dancers are sure good news" "* Those joy dispensers are cure for the blues" "* It's absolutely the place to be" "* Making wiki waki down in Waikiki" "* No evening calls" "* Anything goes" "* Believe it or not" "* And when the night shadows fall" "* That's when they're all getting hot" "* On the ukulele" "* They use the movies to light the night" "* And every tune seems to sound just right" "* It's absolutely the place to be" "* Making wiki waki down in Waikiki *" "We were somewhere over the Pacific on the edge of 40,000 feet when reality began to take hold." "The pre-flight joint was wearing off and I had a mother of a hangover." "Roland's words echoed in my brain." "What's the hook?" "And that's when it dawned on me." "That's a pretty good question." "Who needs a hook?" "Oh, shit." "I'm having a panic attack." "I try fighting it off with a couple a beers." "Fuck a joint, I'd kill for a fucking cigarette." "It is what?" "Buffalo pork sandwich." "It's our upgraded meal." "It's $14.00." "Ah." "We're flying to Hawaii to shoot a TV series, and I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing." "I don't even have anything set up." "This is what happens when you believe your own bullshit." "All right, settle down." "Take two." "We're flying to Hawaii, to some remote place on the Big Island that's suppose to have the best and cheapest pot on Earth, and a nude beach." "Ah, that's better." "Oh yeah, Rosanne Barr happens to live there, too." "I told Roland I know her." "I'd interviewed her once, and I'm pretty sure that I can get the old pothead to fire one up with me on camera." "I lied." "Panic, panic, this is an emergency." "I immediately administer 20 milligrams of Valium and another beer to induce a coma." "Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be landing shortly." "Five hours later, I awaken in a place called heaven." "How come nobody told me it rains every fucking day of the year on this side of the island?" "Pissing down rain all the way from Hilo to Pahoa." "Pahoa, the pot capital of Hawaii." "The Promise Land." "We traveled 2500 freaking miles for this?" "Hmm, looks more like an old Wild West town than an island village." "And I don't know whether to pull out a one hitter or a six shooter." "It's sundown by the time we arrive at our lodgings." "I wangled an invite from the mother of an old friend." "Guess I forgot how old." "Oh, Jesus, we've checked into the fucking Bates Motel." "Oh man, I've got to think fast." "I offer to pay for a hotel room, for me." "Roland can have this place to himself." "Him and Mrs. Bates, five cats, two dogs, a nest of cockroaches, and a plague of coqui frogs." "Meanwhile, David has a luxury suite in downtown Pahoa." "Dolphins, nice big king bed, I like this." "This is a new favorite." "Here it is." "Now, the next order of business, stock the fridge and procure some pot." "I don't walk 100 yards before I score a cheap eighth off a street dealer who calls himself Surfer Dave." "And I hit the first bar I find to have a few beers, and wait and see if this shit's any good." "We've either ended up in Alabama, or that asshole, Surfer Dave, spiked the pot." "I set out to find the bastard, to get some more." "Who's there?" "Five-0." "That's not fucking funny, man." "Fucking $300.00 eighth." "What happened?" "Oh man, I don't know, I got ripped off." "How?" "What?" "I was just a fucking idiot." "I hate to admit it, I don't even want this in it." "Oh, it's got to be in it." "Yeah, yeah, I supposed to know what I'm doing." "Dave High got ripped off?" "No." "Until I come to fucking cow town Hawaii and I get," "I'm ripped off by a skel, and it's a bit embarrassing." "I'm from LA, I should know better." "Look, my hands are fucking shaking, look, I'm still, ugh." "I could have been killed for Christ's sake." "My body could be chopped up and lying out in that jungle." "I need to smoke a joint to tell you this, man." "I got to calm down, I'm a bit shaken by this." "I feel like a fucking moron." "I'm feeling better already." "Oh yeah, I'm back to normal." "And finally I tell him how Surfer Dave took me for a ride." "So, sure enough, I walk out and there he is, Surfer Dave, and I said, "That's really good shit, man," ""you know, I'd like another ounce of it."" "But the catch is he doesn't have it with him." "We're going to have to go out to where he's got the pot, some fucking house, and it's supposed to be about five miles." "Driving, driving, driving." "So, we most have gone about 20 freaking miles." "I've no idea where it is." "And he says, "Well, pull over here"" "in pitch black, pitch dark." "And he says, "Okay, give me the money, I'll be right back."" "I had to step back." "Roland doesn't have the best of nights, either, at the Bates Motel." "You should have been here about a month ago." "The whole house smelled so beautiful." "That must have been awesome." "Oh, yeah." "Test for sound in driving rain at 2:00 in the morning." "Between the frogs, the cats, the odd screams, and this heavy downpour, I just can't get any sleep." "And Mr. T, the tomcat, pissed on his tripod." "Mr. T" "This one, yeah, you got to watch him." "We both need to get out of Dutch for the day." "I want to score some more pot, and find that nude beach." "But Roland's all fired up about finding Roseanne." "So, we leave a few calling cards around town and head north, in search of sunshine, and Hawaii's most famous grower of macadamia nuts." "And God knows what else." "The Queen Liliulakalani Kamuela Museum," "Roseanne bought the place around the same time she bought the macadamia nut farm down the road." "Strange, we're the only ones waiting to get in." "What kind of fucking museum is this?" "Hmm, gate's not locked." "Hello!" "A woman in a white bathrobe answers the door." "So, is the museum open?" "The gate was not locked." "Holy fuck, it's her!" "Are you Roseanne?" "I didn't expect to see you here." "Oh, I'm sure." "She doesn't quite know what the fuck's going on." "She's disturbed I got in, and she thinks some stalker's broken in." "Oh, I'm sorry." "No, it wasn't, didn't have a lock, I just went straight in." "Now she's pissed." "So, we couldn't come back at another point and see it?" "No, okay, thanks!" "So, it was getting to the point where I knew that I better just say," ""Sorry for bothering you," and leave nicely, or, you know, the shit was going to hit the fan." "Oh, I'm so sorry to bother you, okay, thank you." "That door just slammed in my face." "I got to get the fuck out of here before the cops arrive." "Whatever just happened, what a fuck up." "If I thought quick," "I would have done the whole thing differently." "But I don't think that quick anymore." "Everyone says she's living at the nut farm." "I guess you've got to wonder why she's living in a museum." "If that wasn't enough, now I have to deal with Roland." "I thought you knew her." "Well, you know, a long time ago." "Why didn't you remind her?" "I figure if she doesn't recognize me, then how the fuck is she going to remember me." "She's getting on, she's probably got Alzheimer's." "Roland's like dripping fucking water." "You got to call the publicist?" "Yeah, of course I am, man." "All the way back to Pahoa." "The next day, Roland wakes me up with more bad news." "Bet you drink that, you know, instead of coffee." "He's had another rough night at the Bates." "You know, I'm sick of you guys." "I've had 23 hours straight, no sleep." "And once again, damn cat squirted on my tripod." "But the real bad news is today's top story." "It's all over the local news." "The DEA's been conducting drug stings all over the Big Island." "And wouldn't you know it?" "The operation began the day we arrived in town." "What does that mean?" "Aloha!" "Well, that just might explain the welcome at the local pub." "Against the DEA?" "Yeah, I know you, right?" "I met you last night." "Everybody thinks we're narcs." "Look!" "What was that, FBI taking pictures of somebody?" "How you doing?" "Aloha!" "Aloha." "Where you from?" "None of your business." "Huh, can't really blame him." "We're driving around shooting cameras out of a white Chevy that screams undercover cop." "I'm never going to score pot in this fucking town again." "And that's not the worst of it." "Now we got the fucking chainsaw going." "Just shoot him outside the window." "No, the worst of it is three days on the Big Island and we're under surveillance." "Those DEA fuckers are watching me, and I suspect a connection to Surfer Dave." "Dave's got his watchdogs out, telling him when it's safe to come back to town, cuz he thought I'd be gone and he'd be able to come back." "He didn't count on us staying." "So now, you know, he's holed up out in the jungle." "You keep looking outside the window." "What's going on?" "You know, man, I feel like I'm in a fucking Witness Protection Program or something." "I'm looking out here and seeing dudes spying on me out here." "I barely got enough weed left to role a joint." "So, we're just going to have to get out of Pahoa again to find more pot and that nude beach." "About 15 minutes and 10 miles later, we're in another world of mighty waves and towering palm trees, scouring the virgin coastline for people with pot and no clothes." "Then, bingo, we hit the daily double, the nude beach," "and about a dozen dealers selling all kinds of good stuff out of their cars." "Who's this guy parked in a black pickup truck?" "And he's wife's sitting there with him and they've got their kid, but they shoo her out of the car." "What really caught my fancy was the hashish." "But I'd become a discerning shopper." "Since Surfer Dave, I've grown a bit more cautious." "So, I betted low first to make sure" "I wasn't buying hardened dog shit." "I buy a piece and offer the first puff to some guy I get chatting with." "I used him as my human guinea pig and tried the hash on him." "I wait a few minutes to see if it kills him before I smoke it, man." "It actually turned out to be quite good hash." "That was good, I enjoy it." "It's nice, it's gentle, isn't it?" "Hmm, seems safe." "Oh now, you can pakalolo." "This saves the marijuana." "His name's Tony, he's a native Hawaiian healer." "I do the ancient Hawaiian lomilomi." "Interesting." "And it's a type of massage that is done." "Fascinating." "But it goes a little bit further than just your regular massage." "I got a feeling he wants to do that lomilomi on my dicky wicky." "But not now." "First give me the rub on that nude beach." "Everyone here knows that, you know, you can go down there and get naked." "Everyone here knows that you can go down there and not get naked, and nobody will say or do anything." "Hey, hey, hey!" "No one thinks anything sexual." "Everybody looks out of his heart and beauty at something beautiful." "You know, like a woman's body dancing is beautiful, and a man's body dancing totally naked." "It's a beautiful thing." "I think Tony's trying to get me nude." "I like the hair thing and the hippie, and the beard and the whole thing going on." "You got the whole thing going!" "Oh yeah, this bastard's hitting on me." "Oh, just marry me, already, just get over your stuff." "Well, same sex marriage is legal in this state, and I can't afford to piss him off." "A girl doesn't like to be rushed." "Give me time to think about that marriage proposal." "I'll play blushing bride as long as he escorts us to the nude beach, and gets the okay for us to shoot the naked people." "I don't know, he could make me a very good husband!" "It looks like it's way back." "It was like I was in a time warp." "That wedding's on hold." "Looks like we stumbled upon the lost tribe." "You want to take pictures?" "They don't mind if you take pictures, but try not to get anybody that doesn't have any clothes on out of respect, out of respect." "Unless they say it's all right?" "Right, right, right." "Cuz I'd like to put that element in, but I'm going to say give permission." "Yeah." "We're not going to need permission, and I don't want it." "That wasn't that many nude people." "I probably saw more nude men's asses than I did tits." "Most of these hippies are as old as I am, and they're not even as pretty as me." "How am I going to sell this fucking shit to pay cable?" "Aloha." "Aloha!" "I offer her 50 bucks to take her clothes off, which she declines." "I decide to change my approach and lower the bar a little." "What the hell, she's got a nice rack and no taste." "I have a friend and he looks exactly like you." "A friend who looks like who?" "You!" "There's another me?" "And she's got a friend for Roland." "I say it's wonderful, mahalo." "Jaime." "Hi Jaime." "Isn't she beautiful." "Aloha." "You're welcome." "I prime America's next top nude model with pot and beer, but I still can't get her to take her clothes off." "She'll never work on this island again." "It's like someone spiked my life with acid." "This seems to be going around." "So, look at this, the way that package is." "What's going around?" "Uh, the shits." "Ripped off by Surfer Dave, Roseanne a fucking disaster, somebody watching our every move, the nude beach a bust, and now my guts are under attack by some tropical parasite." "I'm in a race against time, with a bottle of Kaopecktate." "Can you get this fucking thing off, this is ridiculous." "It's designed that way, it's for your protection." "Yeah great, well, I'm trying to get this into me, and I can't get the fucking top off it." "What are you going to get into you?" "I get this into me." "Okay, where's the fucking top?" "A measure" "Proper dosage." "I've got it, and I've just been so sick." "That looks like shit!" "I'm so sick." "That's disgusting." "No." "You're going to do it in one shot." "Here's looking at you, kid." "What did that taste like?" "Like sort of chocolatey flavor." "It's the only way I can survive." "I'm so sick, I'm a dying man." "That tells the story!" "Kaopecktate and plenty of liquids." "Oh, shit." "Is that just one day?" "Roland's getting impatient with me, and he's fed up with the Bates Motel." "It's now Sunday morning, approximately 3:00 a.m., and here's the driving rain once again." "Almost like clockwork, you just can't get any sleep." "Same time every night." "Mrs. Bates gets up to feed the pets." "So, for entertainment, we watch the cats chase and kill cockroaches." "Roland gets the leftovers." "Oh yeah, they kill those roaches." "I think there's one half dead in my bedroom." "Or else." "Don't argue with your mom." "Don't give her talk back." "And then, you know, I get so upset." "Roland's become Norman Bates, handyman, wheelchair pusher, chauffeur, and some other jobs we won't talk about." "And I thought maybe we cut some of the," "oh, what do you call it, the one plant, and put it in the pot." "You like action, don't you?" "Oh, I like lots of action." "Yeah, I love you, baby," " you're so cute!" "" " Oh, wow." "I know if I don't get Roland out of the Bates pretty fast, he's going to pack up and go back to LA." "To appease him, I sent an email to Roseanne's publicist." "And I head up with my fiance," "I mean Tony, to meet Kimo, a guy who rents out a guesthouse on the ocean, a place maybe Roland and I can share." "And is this going to be available?" "Yeah." "I'm energetic and I want to go three miles," "I can take my binoculars down to the nude beach." "It sure is a good location, only 100 yards from Uncle Robert's, a kind of hippie community center with an outdoor market, general store, and a tiki bar frequented by some of the best pot farmers on the island." "It runs west and there's no assholes around." "It's fabulous." "Even better, they start serving rum here at 9:00 a.m." "And at closing time it's just crawling distance to the guesthouse." "Only one little drawback." "It's at the base of a volcano." "Not long ago the volcano erupted, spewing rivers of red hot lava that swallowed houses." "Villages, beaches, and God knows how many marijuana plants." "And that lava came up within 20 feet of devouring our future home." "Right here was the beach." "Was that lava flow?" "That was the lava flow, 1990." "Did you stand here and watch this?" "Yup." "Only watched molten lava." "We watched the lava just coming in." "For how long?" "For two weeks." "Jesus!" "As I'm talking to Kimo, that fucking parasite starts biting at my asshole." "But it turns out Kimo has a nice native remedy." "I mean, what is that?" "That's a noni." "So, what does it do?" "What the noni does, it cleans and takes all the rubbish from lining of your stomach." "Can I drink beer?" "You can drink beer, you can drink anything you want." "Really?" "Hmm, now this sounds like good medicine." "What do you think about reefer, is that wikoni?" "Noni." "Oh, sorry about that, man." "To me, reefer is good, and the noni is good." "They kind of go together." "Seems like he might be a cool landlord." "Smoke the reefer and pick the noni." "If I rent this joint, you going to get me whacked on noni juice?" "Oh, yeah!" "Then, a little reefer?" "Yeah, reefer and noni juice?" "Oh, yeah!" "The noni's extra though, right?" "The noni's extra." "If we're going to settle in, we may as well go native." "You like that?" "Yeah." " Hmm?" " It's you." "You know, they got change rooms." "Where's the fucking sleeve?" "Fuckers, mother fucker." "It's you, man, that is cool." "What do you think?" "Buy it, it's you." "What do you call this shit here?" "Pakalolo." "Pakalolo." "I can never get that name right." "Pakalolo?" "Is it pakalolo?" "Yeah." "Pakalolo." "Pakalolo, by George, I think I've got it!" "And if you want more than one?" "I guess it's Pakaloli, right, is that plural?" "If pakalolo would be pakaloli?" "I don't know, I don't think so." "I don't speak Hawaiian." "* Good tea is my weakness" "* I know it's bad" "* It sends me gate and I can't wait I'm viper mad *" "Now speaking of pakalolo," "I've heard it grows wild all around here, and I've been combing the tropical jungles looking for more." "I got to keep reminding myself," "I'm supposed to be filming a television series here." "Especially on this side of the island because of the volcanic soil." "Wouldn't it be funny if we actually found it?" "If we actually found a pot plant here it's sure to make me back that money, you know, Surfer Dave ripped off from me." "What are my chances of walking through there and finding a nice pot plant?" "Zero to nothing." "Seems the locals have a monopololo on the pakalolo, and they're not about to give up the farm." "They're a great crash crop," "It's a very big cash crop here." "Majority of all the people who do grow marijuana, or pakalolo, it's their livelihood, that's how they make money, that's how they feed their kids and support their family." "Pot's the backbone of the local economy, and although it's not exactly legal, the cops look the other way." "I got to rank this as the most 420 friendly place for a user, not a distributor, but for a smoker of pot, that I've seen in a country, maybe in the world." "It's a mellow place." "You're not bothering anyone, no one's going to bother you." "I meet this guy over a joint and a Mai Tai at Uncle Robert's." "At first, I'm sure he thinks I'm a narc." "I suspect he might be one, too." "This is my job." "You're freaking cool." "This is my job, okay?" "Cool." "Cuz cops don't hug." "He wants to keep his identity a secret." "The reason will become clear soon enough." "So, for now, let's just call him Deep Shit." "And let's just say he's got vast personal experience with the local pot industry and the Big Island drugs laws." "What happens if I get busted with an ounce?" "You know, if you get busted with an ounce, more than likely the judge is going to say," ""Do you have $100.00 to pay this fine?" ""Pay your fine, and get out of my courtroom." ""Next case."" "Hawaii's a medicinal state." "Marijuana's only legal for medicinal use." "But even without a card, you're not likely to get hassled by the local cops." "What's the big deal smoking a joint?" "No one's going to really pull you into jail for smoking a joint." "Nobody is going to bother you for being in your place or communing with nature, and smoking a little pot." "The feds though, that's a different story." "They don't want you until you're starting to mess with money." "Between the lines there's a drug war being waged here." "Ask Roger Christie." "He's one of the most prominent cannabis activists in Hawaii." "And he brought the battle to the Big Island when he started the THC Ministry, a church that regarded marijuana as a sacred herb, and served it up during services." "In 2010, the DEA busted him on marijuana possession and trafficking charges." "And as I stand here, the poor bastard's still locked up in a nasty little Guantanamo in Honolulu, awaiting a trial that never seems to come." "It's like Stalin's Russia to be held without bail, without official charges." "Maybe this place isn't heaven after all." "Roland wants me to get an interview with the local cops, thinks it will give our travel show more credibility." "Hawaii Police Department, can you get that through there?" "Here you go, better put this in here." "Why, what's the deal?" "Well, there's a little bit of pot in there, my daily supply." "Wait a minute, you had that at a police department?" "We'll say no." "Fuck credibility, cops are a buzzkill." "But I go through the motions." "Thank you very much for your help." "I tell Roland the sarg has to run it by the chief." "I lied." "I only asked the desk clerk for directions to the volcano." "Hello?" "And I texted Tony to call me in 15 minutes." "Oh, hi Sarg, how are you?" "Oh, cool." "Uh huh." "Oh, okay." "Oh okay, so really." "No, that's fine, but thank you," "I appreciate you taking the time and I'm sorry to trouble you but thank you very much." "Okay, I appreciate it, take care now." "Oh fuck!" "What was that?" "That was the sarg." "And?" "No ride along, can't do an interview with an officer, and if we want any crime statistics, we can basically get them off public records." "You know, or they can get them to us." "So, in other words, they're not going on camera." "I wonder why." "Don't know." "He sounded a little bit hostile, actually." "He didn't sound real friendly," ""Hey brother," you know, so I don't know what the fuck's going on." "Oh, now the cops hate me and they got my name" "As long as it's another payoff, that's all it is." "I don't know what the fuck it is." "I don't know what they found on my background file." "No trap for David High, too high?" "Yeah, this is too high." "I think Roland buys it, stupid bastard." "Coming back to the nude beach." "No worries at all at the nude beach." "Bala the coconut boy's hard at work, and Tony's entertaining the crowd." "What do you call a lesbian from Alaska?" "Klondyke." "And now I've got a new plan for getting footage of all these nude people." "There's a lot of them out today, and some of them are pretty hot." "This time me and Roland are going to make like a pair of gay tourists." "He'll pretend to take romantic home video of me at the seaside, while he's really getting shots of the naked ladies." "I guess 40 years of tabloid taught me something worthwhile." "Hi!" "I'm a fucking genius." "Ah, good to see you again." "Good to see you." "It's the beauty who turned down 50 bucks to take her clothes off, for free!" "Maybe our luck's changing for the better." "Aloha." "Then again, maybe it's not." "Back in Pahoa, Surfer Dave's got another spy station on my doorstep." "In my book he's public enemy number one." "At least the other fuckers, at least they delivered." "They said it was good, and it is really good, and at least they freaking delivered." "They didn't take the money and run, although they tried to." "And it looks like I might be under siege a little longer than I'd hope." "That fucker Kimo's rented our lava-front guesthouse to someone else." "Now, I got to break the news to Roland." "How am I going to do that?" "This is going to send him over the edge." "I can't take it anymore." "I'm going to have to find a new pad, pronto." "Aloha!" "Hello, my love." "Hello there, nice to see you." "Oh, good to see you again." "You look fabulous, darling." "My search leads to Tara." "She drives me up the coast to another rental house." "It's kind of like Kimo's place, only a whole lot better." "Two bedrooms, two baths, lush gardens, a nice koi pond out back, the Pacific out front, and that nude beach just a walk down the sand." "Mm, this is nice." "We seal the deal with a joint." "For a grand, including utilities!" "What did you do to deserve this?" "I don't know." "I think it's what I didn't do." "Oh, okay." "Roland's pretty excited." "How did this happen?" "I don't know." "I'm just a lucky guy." "Roland's a lucky guy, too." "He gets the downstairs." "The bad news is he'll have to stay at the Bates Motel a little longer, until his bathroom's finished." "Coming slowly, slowly." "He actually takes it better than I expected." "I've realized something." "We were supposed to be passing through here, getting video of the locals, then moving on to shoot the next stop in the travelogue." "Instead, I'm becoming one of them." "Kind of part of the family now." "Yeah, kind of like the Manson family." "These people are crazier than I am." "It'll kill you." "A raggedy bunch of refugees from civilization and the drug war." "Social misfits, dropouts, living in huts they built themselves." "No electricity, no TV or internet," "just cheap land where they can grow their own food." "And pot." "Be careful of the big hole." "This hole is easily, I don't know, several cars wide and long." "It's enormous." "And my dad always had a chance of growing, you know, huge crowds of something down there." "One of the more intriguing characters in this community is Share Christie." "You know, there's a lot of purple sheep here." "People that didn't quite fit in the communities on the continent, and they've come here to just live their life as peaceful as they could." "She ran for mayor of Hilo in 2010, the same year feds busted pot advocate, Roger Christie." "Yeah, that's right, he's her fucking husband." "I really should take some time to think about that." "But, there's exciting new drugs to discover." "They grind it up, blow it in people's faces, and it turns them into zombies." "They'll help you rob your house." "This is the zombie drug, I heard of that." "This is the extra, oh wow!" "Fast forward 12 hours." "What is that?" "Holy shit, what the fuck is that?" "And what the fuck was that?" "I don't know, what the fuck was it?" "You saw it, and it's crazy." "Oh, I love you, Dave!" "Oh, Alien Tom, my brother!" "All these people, they look at me," "I don't know why they look at me like they do, but they need to be nice," " they need to be keepers." "" " You're an alien." "Well yeah, obviously, I guess," "I'm not like anybody else, but that's" "Well, you know, I'm friendly to aliens." "What do you make of these humans?" "They are not observant, and they have no idea what they're doing." "What's going to happen, man?" "They're not going to get into the bomb shelter." "And I found a way to save Hawaii." "And we're going to keep this, but I found a way." "What we have to do is," "Hawaii can make everyone else not relevant." "They could build the best, newest bomb shelters, the most high tech bomb shelters in the world, just for the locals and preferred customers." "I was drawn here by the drumming." "Heard the drumming and the whistling, and wanted to find the source of it." "Then, as the sun begins to set, I meet the E girl." "E, I like E!" "How about hashish?" "I like E!" "Wants ecstasy, you know, that's like code for fuck me, fuck me, fuck me." "What the fuck are you doing?" "I like that song." "Do you like it?" "I missed the entire conversation there, it looked really good" "What the fuck is going on?" "I can feel movement in the dead zone." "Massive quantities of pot and beer and that South American zombie drug have stripped me of all my defenses." "What would you like?" "He's not that young." "E for tonight." "Any suspecting individuals around here?" "I don't know, who's this?" "Hey!" "He doesn't want to be on camera." "He's intelligent, though." "Or maybe he does, okay." "Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more." "I'm running around to whoever and seeing if they've got any ecstasy for her." "You're kidding." "No." "Find some E man, let me know." "It's hard to find." "Ecstasy's hard to get." "You know, it's not the sort of thing I do that often." "I only do it when I have sex." "We will be high and looking sharp and smiling at us and saying, "Are you okay, even though I know your high?"" "And you'll say, "Yeah, I'm fine!"" "How's that, is that a good date?" "I love it!" "Television series?" "What television series?" "You're rolling?" "Looks good, yeah." "Hello." "Well, here it is." "Here it is." "Who would have thunk it, hey?" "Yeah really, who would have?" "We were smoking, we're drinking, we're taking every pill known to man, I think, as I recall." "Such as?" "I don't know what the fuck they were, but they were good, you know." "It's coming in." "She's a Seventh-day Adventist," "Blood of Christ, Blood of Christ." "* I went to Hilo" "* To see the volcano" "* I met a Hawaiian girl" "* She presented me with lei lehua *" "Refill." "What time is it, five o'clock?" "That's 4:20 up there." "After a long night in the cold light of day," "I offer the E girl a screen test for my television series." "Now you can get up out of bed." "Don't look at me." "Just get up as if you're getting up, like that." "Hold on, do that again." "And then you just get up, put your robe on, and walk out of shot." "Hold on, when I say action." "Lay down first, you're sleeping." "Okay, okay, okay, up you get." "Oh, morning." "Oh god, at least it's sunny today." "Oh, oh shit." "Okay." "Good." "Turn around and look straight in the camera and hold your gaze, and don't blink." "Again." "Do I have to smile or what?" "No." "Fuck!" "Only on your eyes." "Okay, damn." "My eyes can't smile, they got to be serious." "What you want my eyes to do?" "What do you want them to express?" "What would you like?" "A little surprise" " Surprise?" " Turn that way," "Turn your head, no, not so far, a little back." "Okay, now I'm going to be in closer." "Just turn and do the same thing." "Hold your stare next time." "Okay, that was really good." "Do it again." "Surprise, right?" "You do want surprise." "I'm hungry now." "That's very good." "One more, is that it?" "I'll buy you lunch, I'll buy you lunch." "Will it be a fucking wrap?" "Come on." "You got a crooked picture over there in the background." "Should we straighten that?" "That's okay." "Okay, one more time doing a bit faster." "Just one more time." " Oh, stop it!" "" " You're killing me!" "Oh, Jesus!" "This is like fucking Greta Garbo, come on." "I just need some value." "That's why they all took drugs, I know why now." "Turn and just look at the camera." "Keep looking at the camera." "Oh God, please." "Someone else can star in tonight's nightmare." "So, I got the fuck out of there, thank good." "Fucking gone, you know, some other poor bastard can deal with this." "My bender was just beginning." "On the way home I stop in Pahoa for a half stuck." "I stumble into the local boutique, still fixated on that screen test idea." "Shake it for me, babies!" "Jesus Christ!" "Come on." "Oh, come on, come on." "Okay." "The camera loves you." "She's great!" "This is HD camera, too." "Well, that's good to know." "I was feeling like I wasn't photogenic at all." "Totally photogenic, come over here for one moment." "Okay, one more, and then I'm done." "I want you to just lean down, that's it, oh!" "Aren't they amazing?" "Okay, what breasts?" "I don't see any breasts." "Oh, my God!" "This is your brain on drugs." "Oh, my God." "Can you do what she did?" "What did she do?" "Not going to do it, I'm not going to do it!" "Oh, come on now, cuz I might not have got it." "Give it to me one more time." "You can only if you're going to put money in there." "It's going to make you a lot of money." "Your store will be absolutely mobbed." "Put some money in there." "Do that one more time." "Give me some money." "All right." "Of course, it went into the night, another night." "I know you're buying me a drink, right?" "You're buying me a stiff nog, right?" "I'll buy you a stiff anything." "So, is this your camera man?" "I guess you can call him that." "I have other names for him." "Do that again." "Can you get that low angle, man?" "And will you do that again?" "I'm thirsty." "Kind of just slow." "I might, I'm thirsty, though." "Bend down and touch your toes." "I mean, I'm thirsty, though." "Okay, what do you want?" "Home at last." "Oh God, fucking morning after, man." "Sipping bear and it's not even 8:30." "I been lost in the Pahoa triangle for two days since meeting the E girl." "What's that, from last night?" "No, that's the one, I opened it and forgot." "I thought, shit, that beer went down fast!" "And I'm still fucked up." "Where's that fucking pot delivery man?" "It's 8:30, he was supposed to be here at eight o'clock." "Drying, huh?" "Yeah, home delivery." "I'm really settled in out here now." "Is there a delivery charge?" "There's a delivery charge even when they don't deliver!" "It costs me half the stash just to get it pried out of their greedy little fucking grasping hand." "You know, it's like Charles Dickens in Hawaii." "You know, really." "More please, may I have more?" "Oliver Twist." "Which one first?" "Help me make up my mind." "Will I have a long blip, or a Longboard?" "Here, this one's half done." "I might as well finish that before I start the other one." "What a fucking night." "I'm sleeping on the couch with a woman telling me how she had a fucking hammer embedded in her head, and then giving me the details of how the doctors couldn't get it out, and they're using like a jackhammer on her head." "No kidding, it was like I couldn't sleep." "I fell off the couch." "You slept on a couch?" "With her, yeah, it was the only bed in the place." "I don't know, Dave, it seems like you're quite popular in town." "I don't know." "What is it?" "I don't know, I guess, I really don't know." "I buy them drinks!" "I buy them drinks and drugs." "The way to a girl's heart!" "I don't want a heart, I want the tits, oh yes!" "What a man will go through to grope a set of tits, huh?" "I'm disgusting, I disgust myself." "Sometimes I make myself so sick." "Now my lighter won't work." "Oh, fuck." "What's the plan today?" "I don't know, I guess I'm going to get hagged again." "The hag net?" "No, don't do it!" "Don't do it, Dave!" "I can't help it!" "Don't do it!" "I can't help it!" "You know, I even attracted hags like, you know, iron shavings." "They stick to me, they work like gum." "Don't know what it is." "What have I got, what is it?" "You know, they're too old, not pretty, they love me." "Guess I pay them attention, I think." "That's the secret." "You know, fawn all over them, lie to them, tell them they're fucking beautiful." "Ejaculate and get the fuck out of there." "Wipe off the DNA off the table!" "I should have listened to Roland, taken his advice and dried up." "Instead, I'm right back at the bar." "Ah, aloha, aloha!" "Aloha!" "Aloha." "Aloha!" "Suddenly I see Roland's rental car, and I realize he's following me." "Fuck you, you son of a bitch!" "Come here, you fucker, yeah!" "There's a cop down there." "I don't care!" "You're going to get arrested." "I'm not smoking." "You're fucked up!" "I've never seen Roland so fucking pissed." "Come on, want to go?" "I remind him I know feng shui, and it's over." "Maybe for good." "It's been close to a week since Roland's intervention." "It didn't work." "My round the clock binge is entering day 10." "And I don't know where the fuck Roland is." "He hasn't picked up my calls, or returned my messages." "For all I know, my designated driver's back in LA." "Great." "Oh freedom, I can't let you go." "So, it's just me and my little HD cam." "But the way my hands are shaking," "I could probably use a steady cam." "What did he say?" "Coconut culture?" "Coconut culture, herbalology." "Herbanomics." "Herbanomics!" "I figure maybe Tony can take over Roland's gig." "How do I do it?" "Just frame me up, it's rolling." "Oh, okay." "You're going to love this one." "Very slowly, while you were drinking it," "I went to it and it's just the top of Bala, and Bala's taking a hit off the pipe and all you see is the top so Bala's head, and he's smoking off the pipe!" "But you're still drinking, I was like real slow, and I'm like, and then you see Bala in the background." "You're going to love that, you're going to love what I did!" "Roland who?" "Who needs that fuck?" "You realize you've interrupted my work here, don't you?" "Severely, but you needed a break." "It's LeAnn, the tile lady, working on what was going to be Roland's bathroom." "That's the great fucking secret." "You cough like me!" "I did need a break, yeah." "You were exhausted." "You know what?" "These two hour days are killing me!" "You know what?" "After a joint and a couple of beers," "LeAnn looks pretty good for 68." "You look good on camera, you have good lines." "I doubt it." "God, you're awfully close there." "I wonder what she looks like at 69." "Start the tea." "It's a damn fine joint." "Oh, it's huge!" "All the girls say that!" "The rest is easy." "Would you like to do a screen test for me?" "No." "Really?" "It's really nothing." "It's easy, it'll take two minutes, it's painless." "You simply disrobe, I'll see how you look on camera." "Right!" "What do you think?" "Yeah, yeah, then what do I do after I get the rejection notice?" "Would you like a beer?" "No, I wouldn't." "You sure?" "Yeah." "It'll relax you for your screen test." "No, I don't need to be that relaxed." "You don't?" "Are you comfortable doing a nude screen test for me, my dear?" "Not at all, not at all!" "You don't mind?" "Would you?" "He takes no for an answer!" "Oh, you said no?" "He takes no." "Oh, I thought you were saying yes." "LeAnn, my sweet!" "Stay back!" "We have to think of something new!" "Did you say yes or no?" "I said no, N-O!" "Now, hold on, we set it up, we've got the suspense now." "If you did this, you would be the star of an art movie." "So boring." "Okay, you had your chance!" "So boring!" "This is how Marilyn Monroe got discovered." "What if she said no?" "That's a hell of a shower you got there." "Have you seen my shower upstairs?" "Yes, I have." "Would you like to see it again?" "No, I wouldn't." "You're not very good at this!" "Thank God the E girl's not finished with me yet." "Hey, come here for one sec, love." "Sweetie!" "Please help me." "I'm trying to work out this camera." "I need you, please." "Please, what have I done for you lately?" "Nothing!" "Okay, walk in here, let me test." "I won't use it without your permission, I promise you." "You love me." "Just come in here, come in here." "Walk this way." "I've got to see if this works." "No, I am not going to bare my fucking makeup" "You don't, you've got a towel on." "I am not going to be makeup-less on to the LA camera, no way." "Are we on?" "I'm dressed, yes I'm dressed." "You want me to buy this?" "Well, I think so." "I do look very hard." "It's very difficult to be on camera." "No, just say it's real hard." "It's just really hard." "And right back here, on the back of his neck." "Eeough, Eeough!" "It looks like a little, almost like a mosquito bite." "Oh shit, and that's how it starts out." "Turned out big as a basketball." "Cover me up!" "And the party's just started." "Well, I just got here, man!" "You're my favorite martian!" "Much love, brother!" "Oh, brother!" "It's the alien." "He's a Jezy freak like I am, he's a Jezy freak like I am, a Jezy freak!" "And Daryl, some guy the E girl knows." "She's naked and everything!" "And he's got more refreshments at his place." "Best that you have, big or small, it's not what you got." "Per usual, no electricity or running water, but refreshments are going to do." "That's Andrea, Daryl's wife." "That's the E girl, hitting on Daryl." "That's me hitting on Andrea." "That's the alien hitting on the E girl." "Looks like we've got us a love-in." "Andrea, just smoke it." "Okay, now Andrea it's your turn!" "Everything's going just as planned." "Thank you Lord, you are good!" "David, your life is errant, and we are the cloud." "We are the cloud, brother." "We are at 700 megahertz, we are the cloud." "We own the world in a word." "We can stop it all with a breath, because we know how to mix the words they can't." "We are the future." "We're on the island." "Fucking right on, we are gypsies!" "We are nomads, and no land is our nomad land, right?" "We are fucking gypsies!" "They're fucked up, they are so fucked!" "Like that, I can read the dots and read the zone zeros." "Biometric code is." "Fuck you!" "That's not even a way not to do the job, mama." "* I went to Hilo" "* To see the volcano" "* I met a Hawaiian girl" "* She presented me with lei lehua *" "Day 12 and my binge is rudely interrupted." "An unexpected phone call from Share Christie." "Okay, well is there a chance could get together today?" "She says she wants to discuss something, in person." "It sounds serious." "I sure hope she hasn't gone online and found my bio." "We meet at a popular spot where drinking for 12 hours straight is smiled upon, and where the no-smoking signs ban cigarettes, but not pot." "It's known as the healing pool." "A kind of local Lourdes, where the sick come seeking miracles from the magic waters." "Hi, nice to meet you." "Aloha." "And Share Christie could use a miracle." "She and her husband Roger are facing up to 40 years in the federal pen in that THC Ministry case." "They're among 14 people charged with marijuana trafficking." "Everyone but Roger got out on bail." "He's been locked up for more than four years without a trial." "From the third time that he was let out on bail," "I said, "Oh my God, he is a political prisoner."" "Oh, I guess Share did look up my bio." "She wants me to get some national attention on the case." "Listen up, I'd going to talk to him." "I call Roland again, and leave a voice mail about the Christie development." "This is a really good one for Geraldo, he loves legal shit like this." "This time he picks up in the middle of the message, around the part where I mention money and selling the story to one of the big TV news shows." "But Roland interrupts and tells me to stop talking." "His spyware's detected a bug." "Someone's listening in on us." "Holy shit, our fucking phones are tapped." "Surfer Dave and Roseanne are just two insignificant memories now." "Paranoia has taken over." "Then again, is is paranoia if it's real?" "I knew what the NSA was doing," "I just didn't know they were doing it to me." "I'm seeing federal agents behind trees, under rocks." "I got to get my stuff out of the beachhouse and get off this island before it's too late." "Hey!" "It's Tara the landlady." "Who goes there?" "And what the fuck?" "God, we're glad you're alive." "First time I've seen Roland in nine days." "Nice to see you, mother fucker." "Yeah." "Thanks for leaving me, you bastard." "Now you're back, and I supposed you want me to welcome you in, huh?" "Well, it's up to you." "Fuck you." "Just got to be sure this isn't another AA intervention." "Oh, I missed you my boy!" "Come in." "I missed you, man." "I guess not." "You don't bring beer to an intervention." "But this is worse." "Roland and Tara are an item." "I missed you, brother." "I'm so glad you got here." "I was worried, I thought, no, shit." "These are from Tara." "I thought I told him I wanted to fuck her." "Fucking prick." "You fuck." "How could you do that?" "You fucking piece of shit." "Since he went AWOL on me, that sneaky bastard's been living at her island spread, rent free." "This is my new room at the estate." "It's really incredible." "That's it, that's it, you know, he settled down with Tara, have a nice, happy fucking life, you know." "Be Tara's bat boy, and you know, I'll get back to see my kid." "You know, maybe get a job as a Walmart greeter somewhere." "On the plus side," "I won't be hearing him whine about the Bates Motel anymore." "And I do have my shooter back." "Oh, that sick face." "Hold on, go back a bit." "With this new contraption he's rigged up, he's looking more like a gynecologist." "What's the plan?" "What's a plan?" "And all you have to do is say," ""I knew I should have brought the gas mask."" "I knew I should have brought the gas mask." "That's good." "Look at that." "I might have to wind it around a bit later." "Still fucking make out what it is!" "Now you're starting to look like Colonel Sanders." "Right." "I knew I should have brought the gas mask." "He's starting to look like Colonel Sanders." "Flat." "Yeah, flat." "I knew I should have brought the gas mask." "He's starting to look like Colonel Sanders." "I knew I should have brought the gas mask." "He's starting to look like Colonel Sanders." "That's it, that's the believer." "That's the one that works, we got you." "We got plenty to cut with, have a look at it." "Once the tests are out of the way," "I bring him up to date on the latest developments." "Yeah, what was I going to say?" "I don't know." "Can't fucking remember, it was important." "It's not just the phones being tapped." "I think my laptop's been hacked because Share Christie went and put me on her husband's prison email list." "There's some deep, dark fucking conspiracy going on with this." "On the street, at the beach, wherever I go," "I feel I'm being watched." "Aloha." "And they don't look like Surfer Dave's spies." "They look like those law enforcement types." "This is very fucking frightening." "It's like the rise of the goddamn Fourth Reich." "Now Share's ready to spill her guts on the marijuana church and puke all over the DEA." "I don't want anything to do with this shit." "You know what that says?" "Dot dash dash dash dot, SOS!" "Get my fucking foot weights now!" "All I want to do is direct naked screen tests and get fucked up." "And then it hits me." "The booze, the pot, the drugs, the sex, the paranoia." "I don't know if I'm sweating from an overdose, fear, or the fucking humidity." "Fuck this humidity." "In two showers I'm still soaking wet." "I don't know what it is." "It could be the alcoholism," "I could have TB, dengue fever, scurvy." "Anyway, this is a trick I found that is effective in the tropics, you know, especially when your girlfriend's about to come over." "You don't have time to take a shower." "Some nutcase turns up on your door." "You just do this, and it pretty much, you know, freshens you up pretty good." "Is that an old outback trick?" "I don't know." "Yeah, my dad taught me." "This is good, too." "I don't want to go anywhere near the Christie's or their marijuana church." "I don't want to piss off the DEA." "I need a break." "I want to get the fuck out of here." "I'm scared." "Mummy, I want my mummy!" "But Roland sees money in it." "So, I tail off and head back to my source." "My Deep Shit." "Well, this was a place of empowerment." "There's a reason he wants to stay anonymous." "He was one of the first ministers ordained into Roger Christie's THC church." "Roger has always been quite brilliant." "He was in the military in the 70's." "He was trained to be military intelligence." "Being that he was trained to be CIA, and that he was pushing the envelope where people were going into court cases and using the defense of sacrament, and using cannabis sacerdotally, and winning, caused him to be a hot potato, so to speak." "Reverend Deep Shit would have been the 15th offender, if he hadn't seen red flags a couple of months before the DEA moved in." "At that point," "I personally felt like it was time to just back away, like it was really getting dangerous." "What, reckless people, people doing reckless things?" "Not necessarily reckless, but attitudes as to how to handle business changed." "Okay, I got you." "And that's when these influences of, this is a business type of thing, and hours of operation became hours of operation rather than an open ministry." "It all came down to this." "Roger Christie's ministry was handing out free pot, and raking in more than a million dollars a year on donations." "He was just too successful for his own good." "When you start messing with people's money on those levels, people get mad, and they're going to go after the figurehead, they're going to go after the head of the dragon." "Could it get any more fucked up?" "What the hell happened last night?" "I'm in fear for my life, and Roland's living as a kept man at ChÃ¢teau Tara." "That remote control's not for a TV." "That's for my bed." "It's fucking leave it to fucking beaver, isn't it?" "Oh, look at the happy family!" "I'm going to rinse these just in case." "I feel like the spare prick at a wedding." "Don't touch me, I'm sterile." "They actually forced me to watch a home movie they made together." "And maybe slightly a little bit in love." "At first I want to puke." "Then I go into shock." "This is Roland, now on his seventh shot." "No way, seven?" "Wow, that's smooth." "In the entire time I've known him," "I've never known Roland to drink a drop." "And here on your eighth shot," "Roland is not yet slurring his words." "And here he is, wasted on tequila." "That's good, that's good." "He's getting pot, a little skin, some fur, a good combination." "And I can't believe it." "He's actually smoking pot." "Tasty." "Yeah." "It really is tasty." "No effect, though." "Right on cue." "I'm okay." "Okay!" "Well, we're going to have to, by the way, he's still not slurring his words!" "Roland's found a girl, and I've lost one." "No, I hope she's not fucking dead." "Not the E girl." "Yeah, and I could be a suspect if there's foul play." "I had a feeling something was wrong." "So, this is about a week before she goes missing." "Hey sweetie, it's Catherine!" "And I got this one, too." "I'm clean and sober for a week now." "I got anointed by my girlfriend from church." "She did the John the Baptist on me and we moved 47 spirits out of me." "It was amazing!" "So, I feel really clear." "No more alcohol for a week since I got arrested." "Fuck, what if it's a hit?" "And what if I'm going to get framed because of the Christie's and the marijuana church." "It's a little bit disturbing, Roland." "My fears escalate when Share Christie shows up at the beach house to talk about the case." "I get it." "The feds don't like Roger Christie." "Eight times denied bail." "Why was he denied bail?" "They say he's a danger to his community." "We want to know whose community, cuz it isn't ours." "Something's very wrong here." "They must be really scared of him." "I think they must be or something." "It's very odd." "Done all kinds of things like mirrored the computer, tapped the phone, and all that." "So, now she tells me." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11 beers, and it's not even 10 o'clock." "It doesn't matter how many beers I drink now." "Even the pot's not working on me, has no effect." "I'm un-sedatable." "I got to get back to LA, and get the fuck out of here." "I don't have many options before I'm framed, busted, or killed." "My final wish is that Roland completes the travel show." "I don't know, this could be the last hurrah for me." "This shall be my masterpiece." "My finest work!" "Oh yes, they shall remember Dave High." "And I grant Roland what could be my last interview, ever." "I don't get it, Dave." "Why does everyone have to be nude?" "Do it again." "Just say flat, "Why does everyone have to be nude?"" "Why does everyone have to be nude?" "It's never really let me down, Roland." "Oh, and sex sells, and you got to go for that shot, you know?" "Sex, nudity, bestiality, incest, nothing's out of bounds, and I'm prepared to go anywhere." "You know, it's a shock proof society, and I can't shock them the way I used to." "You know, that just means what I used to do doesn't shock anyone anymore." "So now I'm going to go for the shock, nothing's out of the question, you know." "I believe in nude, you know." "It's naked, sex, drugs, booze, idiocy, horrible degenerate stuff." "I mean, that's what people want to see." "Give them all they fucking want." "Why do you like getting fucked up so much?" "Do it again." "Why do you like getting fucked up so much?" "I just do it, you know, you fucking live till you die." "Yeah, it'll kill you, but it won't kill you any quicker than anything else." "You know, cigarettes, booze, pot, mushrooms, drugs, acid, step right up, step right up." "You know, it's just a bit of a fucking joke, you know, just people forgot to laugh." "Have you ever thought about going to rehab?" "Do it again, lower, flatter," ""You ever thought about going into rehab?"" "Have you ever thought about going to rehab?" "It's the woman who got the hammer stuck in her head." "She's drunk and wants me to meet her at Uncle Robert's." "Roland's happy to get rid of me." "He drops me there." "I could always sleep on the beach." "Will you come get me in the morning?" "Once before I die" "I want to lay on my back on the black sand, look up at the moon and stars, and get some hammerhead." "It's Monday morning, about eight o'clock." "I have no idea where Dave is." "We left him over there near the lava fields, and he was going to spend the night on the beach." "Went over there, can't find him." "We have no idea where he's at." "I'm just backtracking from where we left him last night." "Have you seen Dave?" "No, I haven't seen Dave." "Have you seen Dave?" "No." "Have you seen Dave?" "No." "Have you seen Dave?" "Have you seen Dave?" "Dave who?" "And no sign of hammerhead, either the woman I left him with last night," "I only got a quick glimpse of her." "I don't know who she is, or where she lives." "I'll go take a second look." "I hope everything's okay." "The town folks have mounted a search party, and drug-sniffing dogs are trying to pick up Dave's scent." "I'm really getting worried now, he's been gone over 12 hours." "He may have fallen in the ocean, or swept away by the high tide." "I couldn't find him." "What happened to him?" "Who knows?" "He could be dead, you know." "I think you're right, the waves, the tides." "Oh no, don't say that!" "* Man, what's a matter with that cat there" "* Must be he's going to report a reefer" "* Yeah man" "* Mean that cat's high" "* Very sadly likely" "* You get away from here" "* Man, is that the reefer man" "* That's the reefer man" "* I believe he's losing his mind" "* I think he's lost his mind" "* Oh have you ever met that funny reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* Have you ever met that funny reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* If he says he swan to China" "* And he'll see you South Carolina" "* Then you know you're talking to that reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* Have you ever met that funny reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* Have you ever met that funny reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* If he says he walks the ocean" "* Anytime he takes the notion" "* Then you know you're talking to the reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* Have you ever met this funny reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* Oh baby, reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* If he trades you dimes for nickels" "* And calls watermelon pickles" "* Then you know you're talking to that reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* Have you ever met a funny reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* Have you ever met a funny reefer man" "* Reefer man" "* If he takes a sudden mania" "* Wants to give you Pennsylvania" "* Then you know you're talking to the reefer man *"