"* sh'ma yis'ra'eil * adonai eloheinu * adonai echad" "Andrew was more than just a husband and a father." "He was the leader of a..." "Of a larger family." "The patriarch to his beloved rebels." "I know that he would've wanted his players to send him" "And our memories of him into the next phase of life." "Okay." "On three." "One, two..." "Coach!" "He said on three, motherfuckers!" "Let me tell you a little something about l. a." "I love it!" "Come on." "* city of angels - * whoo!" "* city of angels * ooh, ooh, city of angels City of angels *" "* city of angels - * oh... * ooh ooh * city of angels - * oh... * ooh ooh - * yeah * all right - * city of angels" "I love it!" "Good morning, football fans," "And welcome to our preseason special" "Where we're talking about the los angeles rebels." "And they are a mess." "You know, where do we start?" "The owner just passed away, leaving the team to his wife." "Former cheerleader Julie Levine." "And their number one pick, hurricane Jesus," "He's holding out, so they don't have a quarterback." "Plus they're receiving lamont slice." "Be honest with you, he's straight-up crazy." "He's ver..." "He's crazy." "he's full nuts." "And to add injury to insult," "The only thing they have going for them" "Is their team's best player is a kicker from argentina, soccer star mauricio marinda." "Well, if he's your best player, you're in trouble." "I'm not so sure julie levine is even fit for this job." "Do you guys?" "But she's..." "She's hot." "She may be hot..." "Has anyone seen my phone?" "Chris?" "Chris, honey, do you have my phone?" "Mom!" "Oh." "Um, this is, um..." "This is supposed to be your dad's territory." "Um, so i..." "It's a..." "It is a really positive stage in your life." "And, um..." "Well, when i was..." "When i was 13," "I had this stuffed animal named chirpy herbie, and..." "Chirpy herbie would, um..." "He would shake when you squeezed him." "And one night i..." "I rolled over..." "Hi." "Hey." "I tried calling." " Yeah, i lost my phone." "Again." "Everyone's waiting downstairs." "Who?" "Your 1:30 meeting with the owners." "I put it on your schedule." "It should've popped up in your phone, which you can't find." "the phone that i don't..." " Sorry." "Is that my meat?" " Yep." "Yep." "So could you go downstairs and just make sure" "They all have drinks?" "Yeah, for sure." " Some, like, small talk." "Okay." " And i'll just..." "I'll get ready here." "Yeah, definitely." "Man, i am sorry you got cut by buffalo." "Enough about buffalo." "fuck buffalo." "Who else you got?" "No one." "I called every team In the league, rick." "Arnie, i've thrown 196 touchdowns." "I won the fiat qb challenge seven straight years." "But you've never won a ring." "You see?" "They want a championship, okay?" "I could sell your leadership abilities, but look, rick," "You know i love you." "But there comes a time in every player's career" "When he's gotta look at himself in the mirror" "And start thinking about life after football." "I need a job to get my daughter back, arnie," "Just get me a gig." "Chad, what is this?" "It is the bill." "Right, but this is my restaurant." "Well, shannon said you knew about..." "Didn't the court Award the..." "Yeah, she got the restaurant, but it's called number 9's." "Right." " I'm number 9." "Yeah, it's just a new policy of shannon's that..." "We don't give you the free meals anymore." "I'm rick massella." "I'm number 9." "It's called number 9's." "This is my restaurant." "Right." " You know what, rick?" "Rick, rick, i'm gonna get this and let's go." "No." "I'm not paying in my own fucking restaurant." "I'm under specific instructions" "That if you don't pay the bill i have to call the police." "Fine." "Fine." "We'll pay." " Okay." "Arnie." "I'm not gonna pay to look at my own shit, okay?" "So i'm gonna take this stuff with me." "You know what, rick, rick, rick..." "Bolted down." "So i'll get my jersey." "Fuck!" "* away from the pressure" "There you go." "Man, what the fuck is this?" "It's a monkey." "But i ordered a baby monkey." "that..." "That's not a baby..." "No, this is steve." "You ordered steve." "How old is steve?" "This is a..." "This is a five-year-old monkey." "What am i gonna do wwth this old-ass monkey?" "You can keep him, don't keep him, let him go, i don't give a fuck." "Enjoy your monkey." "You're bullshitting, right?" "Hey, man, come get this..." "Fuck off." "Hey, old steve." "Come on, let's..." "Let me get you some water or something." "How 'bout bitches?" "You like bitches?" "Yeah, it's gonna be a lot of bitches at the party." "Maybe we'll find you a hairy monkey bitch." "So, uh, global warming." "What do you guys think, real or hoax?" "This is ridiculous." " I'm so sorry." "Jim." "Well, things have been nuts, you know, since andrew's passing." "And my head's been kind of All over the place." "Please, sit down." " Julie, we know this has been" "A very difficult time for you." "Is this about the costumes?" "Because i know." "I know." "The rebels have the worst costumes in the league." "You mean uniforms?" "Andrew asked me to look at the design because" "I went through all this with chris's school logo." "What i did was i put down the point size," "And i did it all in lowercase." "But, like, the really cool lowercase." "Like, the e. e." "Cummings lowercase," "Not that cheesy au bon pain '70s nonsense." "I don't..." "I'm not into that, you know what i mean?" "No, i do not." "Did you even review the emails?" "Can you remind me of the..." "just the particulars of..." "The ownership committee has vetted" "A potential new owner for the rebels." "This is phil mavon." "Oil and gas out of Texas." "Mrs. Levine, i am sorry for your loss." "I was a great, big fan of your late husband." "I understand that you two met when you were a cheerleader?" "We did." "That was..." "That was a long time ago." "For what it's worth, you are welcome to do the splits" "On my team anytime." "Julie, i'm prepared to offer you 700 million for the los angeles rebels." "Wow." "Um, that's..." "That is a lot of money." "But i'm..." "I'm really not in the headspace right now" "To make a big decision like this." "Time to get in the right headspace may be a luxury you can't afford." "See, the rebels have fewer season ticket holders" "Than any other team in the league," "And you got 'em playing in the oldest of the stadiums." "See, i plan on rebuilding this franchise from the ground up." "Talking about new players, new stadium, the whole shebang." "Which, if i'm not mistaken, is something you have" "Neither the resources nor the know-how to do." "What's more, you just lost your gm." "He quit." "Who?" " Ted Thompson." "Oh, yes." "Ted t..." "The guy with the comb-over." "He talks like this out the side..." "Ted is working for us now." "Julie, i take no offense to that comment." "Hi, Ted." " Hi." "Yes, Danny." "Um, do you mind if i ask how you plan on building a new stadium?" "Mr. Levine had been trying for years," "And the city just wouldn't allow it..." "Yeah, i'm moving the team to san antonio." "Julie, it's time to be at home with your son." "Isn't that what Andrew would've wanted?" "Andrew would've wanted better costumes." "Sweetheart, this is a football team, not a school play." "I'll give you one week to decide." "So nice to see you, Ted." " Nice to see you too." "You think i should sell?" "I mean, it's just too big of a decision" "For me to tell you what to do." "Oh." "Uh, it's coach paysinger." "Can i ask you a personal question?" "Yeah, sure." "How old were you when you first started to take..." "Care of yourself?" "I mean, after college, i guess." "But, you know, my parents still paid for..." "No, no." "No, sorry." "No." "I mean, you played uno." "You know." "Like the card game uno?" "First time you jerked Your dick off, danny." "When was that?" "Do you remember?" "Were you, like, Chris's age?" "oh..." " and you still do it often?" "Not at work." "Never at work." "I just want to know What to expect." "We really should get back To coach paysinger" "About hurricane jesus." "about which one?" " hurricane jesus." "Our draft pick from miami?" "we haven't signed him." " can you do that for me?" "Julie, i was Andrew's assistant." "I pick out birthday gifts, I get drinks." "Last week i took your jeans To the denim doctor." "Okay, well, then who is it That does all those things?" "The gm with the comb-over." "Who just quit." "Oh..." "All right, fine." "You're the new gm." "How's that?" "what?" "No." " why?" "You know more about football Than anyone i know." "Andrew trusted you, danny." "I trust you." "I'm not..." "I'm not qualified." "You want me to knight you?" "I'll knight you." ""yiminus, nominus, septimus." You are knighted." "You are now the new gm Of the los angeles rebels." "Now go get that hurricane fellow For me, would ya?" "All right, For the latest on the rebels," "Let's go to our insider Jay glazer." "All right, curt, well, Here is the scoopers." "The new gm in l. a." "Is danny norwood." "You never heard of him?" "Either has anybody else," "Because he's never really Had a job in pro football." "It's insanely surprising." "My sources say this is not Scoring any points" "Not getting the rebels Any closer" "To signing hurricane jesus, Their number one pick." "Would you like something To drink, mr." "Norwood?" "An iced tea, perhaps?" "okay." " sweetened or regular?" "what would you suggest?" " well, what i like is the regular," "But with some fresh-squeezed Lime, some wild bee honey." "Yeah, sounds great." "Mrs. Levine making you gm" "Is not a good sign She's keeping this team." "Hi, coach." "You know, son, I used to come in here" "When ted thompson Wasn't around" "Just to experience the nirvana" "Of his private toilet Spray jet in my anus." "You know what that means?" "Not really." "It means that You've been handed" "The keys to a professional Football team." "That is a privilege, Not a right." "You've got to earn That spray jet." "And you've got To earn my faith." "Cold iced tea With fresh-squeezed lime" "And wild bee honey, Like you requested." "Oh, getting real comfortable, Huh?" "Coach, could i offer you A cold glass of iced tea?" "You can offer me a cold glass Of hurricane jesus." "So get it done." "Here's a list of the guys You're gonna need to cut." "Cut?" "How'd you think We'd free up the money, gm?" "Wouldn't it be more Appropriate if you did this?" "I'm the emotional leader Of the team, danny." "I can't betray the men." "That's your job." "You try the ass sprayer On your toilet yet?" "No, not yet." "You should try it, man." "Ooh!" "It's great." "Real good." "So, uh, listen, The thing is, lamont..." "Here's the thing." "How'd you like to have Your uniform retired?" "My uniform?" "Yeah, i mean, you have been So good for the rebels," "We'd like to retire your number So that no one can ever wear it." "So if you retire My number, then..." "What uniform Am i gonna wear?" "Well, um..." "You know hurricane jesus?" "Yeah, i fucking hate him." "Well, he's asking For 36 million," "And that's gotta Come from other salaries." "And you've got a balloon Payment this season" "That we just can't affo..." "Uh, please, this..." "This isn't personal." "It's really a compliment," "We just can't afford To pay you what you're worth." "No, i know, lamont..." "Okay..." "Uh, listen, lamont, Just stop crying, okay?" "I just..." "Look, I'm new at this, and..." "You're not cut." "you're not cut." " don't fuck with me." "no." "Sure." " you serious?" "You're my nigga, man." "Okay." "Yes." "Forget what everybody Said about you, man." "What does everyone Say about me?" "No, fuck all that, man." "You need anything?" "Whatever you need, I got you, man." "trip to hawaii, aston martin." " oh, no." "pussy." " no." "ashley!" " no." "ashley!" " can i help you?" "Can you do me a favor And fuck this man?" "That's not appropriate." "hey, kiddo." " dad." "give it to me." " oh." "So good to see you." "I got back in last night." "I didn't want to tell you, I wanted to surprise you." "you got me." " like the new car?" "Yeah, it's a fiat." "I'm sorry things didn't Work out in buffalo." "Are you still Gonna play this year?" "Yeah, i'm playing this year." "Definitely." "Yeah, i've got calls Coming in from, like," "Half the teams In the league." "It's good." "And wherever i land, i'd love For you to come with me." "Dad, i'd love to," "But mom is never gonna Let that happen." "So mortenson's saying The rebels" "Are finished in los angeles" "And the commissioner's Making you sell the team." "And phil mavon tweeted Something about your, um... about my what?" " it's about your ass." "My ass?" "What's wrong with my ass?" "nothing." " no." "Just said it's impossible To run a team" "With an ass like yours." "I mean, basically, The general gist is that" "You're a rich widow Who's in over her head." "Well, that's completely wrong." "shit." "You okay?" " yeah." "What is wrong With you, lady?" "What's wrong with me?" "You just..." "You slammed on your brakes Outta nowhere." "what were you thinking?" " what am i thinking?" "You destroyed my fender." "Look at this." "This is a school zone." "You know that, right?" "Are you even..." "Are you a parent here?" "why would you ask me that?" " i don't know, i've never see..." "Why would you ask me If i'm a parent?" "'cause i'm not Driving a range rover" "Like all the other yoga milfs In your pilates class?" "What, did your nanny Call in sick today?" "Oh, that's nice." "You wanna do this?" "I'll do this." "I'll do this all day long." "Are you insane, lady?" "This is imported from italy!" "Good." "Nicely done." "Make..." "Make a bad situation worse." "How 'bout that, huh?" "You know what?" "No." "Dad, come on, let's go." "What a fine father You must be." "i am a fine fucking father." " i'm sure you are, sir." "You're gonna be Hearing from my lawyer." "don't call me "sir." - don't call you "sir?"" "Yeah." "Don't call me "sir."" "It's what polite human beings, Not barbarians, do." "No, it's not, It's condescending." "ma'am." " let's go." "Let's go." "You have no idea who that was, do you?" "Hut!" "* oh what does it take To be lonesome * * nothing at all * what does it take To be lonesome *" "* nothing at all" "Gimme some good news, arnie." "I got you a gig." "Who is it?" "Oakland?" "San diego?" "Uh, have you ever heard of a show" "Called celebrity dance challenge?" "Hello?" "Are you kidding me?" "I gotta let you go." " Come on, man." "Gotta let you go." " I just bought a boat." "I gotta make room for hurricane jesus." "Hurricane jesus can suck my clit!" "You just have a balloon payment this season we can't afford." "I'm gonna crush your balls, danny!" "Cut me?" " Crush 'em into paste!" "Cut me?" "Fuck you, man!" "Look at you, mr." "Big nuts gm." "Come here." " Hi." "All right, all right." "Looking good." "So you're the boss now." "Jesus." "Grief left mrs." "Levine just totally batshit crazy?" "It's a..." "It's a temporary position." "all right. - look, dude, do you know how hard it was" "Scraping together your asking price?" "I mean, what..." "What is the holdup?" "If it were up to me, this whole thing would be done by now." "I know you and i took it in the asshole together in the mail room." "But hurricane Jesus isn't feeling the love, danny." "He wants you to want him." "He needs you to need him." "He'd love you to love him." "Does he want more money?" " I'm not asking for more money." "You get the whole team over to his house." "Have them tell hurricane jesus face-to-face" "How much they love him." "I cut these guys for him." "Important guys, and now the whole team hates me 'cause i got rid Of their boys." "Y-p-b." "It's your problem, bro." "Here's what i know." "Hurricane jesus..." "He's the future of professional football." "You sign him, you're swimming in gravy." "But without him," "Y'all's ass gonna be the first person they fire when they move them rebels down to san antonio." "All right." "I'll talk to the team." "All right." "Yeah, i made an inroad with one of them today," "And he seems Pretty reasonable." "Who want to snort some cocaine off my dick head?" "Oh, shit!" "Hey, man, i was the spiritual leader of this team." "Danny doesn't know shit." "I'm gonna miss the pre-game brunches!" "Hey, yo." "Somebody been doing Some monkey cocaine." "I guess that's what you call a snow monkey." "Oh, shit!" "That monkey got a..." "Oh, steve!" "Hey." "So it's happening?" "We're really selling the rebels?" "Come here." "Honey, i know how much you love the team, but..." "Kiddo, this is not my world." "The owners do not want me," "And they're making it known in the press, and it's just..." "Listen, when you get older," "You're gonna realize that sometimes life" "Just doesn't work out The way you wish it would." "So you're selling because a bunch of bullies" "Told you you had to?" "Hello?" "Mrs." "Levine, this is moose." "Yeah, we have a situation up here." "Andrew used to take care Of these kind of things for us." "Okay, uh, put the girls in the cars" "And get them outta here asap." "Danny, get everybody's cell phones, sidekicks, ipads," "Anything, any communication device." "No, no, no, no, no..." "Ladies, this way." "Gotta go, gotta go." "Mauricio, is this the foot that..." "My foot for kicking." "Kicking foot?" "Okay." "It's okay." "It's okay." "I'm just gonna look at it." "No, don't." "Oh..." "Oh, god." " Is it bad?" "No, it's, um..." "It's gonna be fine." "yeah?" " yeah." "Some party, huh?" "Fuck you, danny." " Okay." "I'm fucked up, man." "They gonna send me to fucking prison." "No one's going to prison." "We're gonna squash this." "But i need you to tell me right now, where is the monkey?" "Oh, steve is gone." "He got a gun, some cocaine in him." "He might be partying with some white bitches right now." "Lamont." "You're a millionaire." "You have your whole life ahead of you." "You're gonna..." "You're gonna fall in love," "You're probably gonna have a family." "What are you doing..." "Running around with guns and drugs and monkeys?" "I don't do drugs." "Cocaine all over your face right now." "I'm..." "I'm sorry, miss Julie." "This..." "This shit is hard." "I need this team." "I ain't never had a family." "I ain't never had no dad or none of that." "All i ever had was these rebels." "That's it." "So if you sell this team," "It's only a matter of time before we all are traded or cut." "Don't do that." "Don't..." "Don't break up a happy family." "Yeah, come on, please." "All right, guys, listen, listen." "I'm new at this." "But i know that if the rebels are gonna win next year, we need hurricane jesus." "Yeah, and he wants everyone to come to his house" "And tell him how happy We are to have him." "Whoa, whoa, say what?" "He's a fucking rookie." "fuck that guy." " fuck you, danny!" "He can come to my goddamn house." "Hey." "Hey, hey, hey!" "Hey!" "Uh-uh." "Everyone who was officially cut today is officially uncut." "Ooh!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, shit!" "Look, listen, listen." "Andrew really believed in you guys." "He did, and you were his family." "And now that he's gone, you're my family." "But guys, we need a quarterback." "We need hurricane jesus, So go with danny." "Kiss that guy's ass, do whatever you have to do" "To make that boy a rebel." "Yo, hurricane." "I was at your pro day in Miami before the draft," "And your shit is tight." "Love what you did at the orange bowl, man." "You're good." "Let's just look at the facts for a second." "Y'all are 0-16. 0-16." "Your o-line's a joke, your receivers are shaky," "And you've got a place kicker in a wheelchair" "Bleeding from his kicking foot." "His monkey..." "Bang me." "Shot." "He shot you." "You're good." "Well, i may be good, but y'all are low rent." "And i don't want to end up All fucked up and injured 'cause i played for a half-ass Shit-stained team." "Yo, uh..." "You got a pretty big mouth For a rookie, bro." "I'm just calling it like it is." "Bro." "And he cleaned up the beans one bean at a time." "you get it?" " yeah." "Oh, here she is now." "Hello, julie." "Good seeing you again." "I have put together some paperwork outlining..." "I'm keeping the team." "You realize that you're going against the Wishes of the entire league." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Mrs. Levine, i am offering you an exit you frankly do not deserve." "And short of winning the championship," "You and the rebels are..." "Excuse my english..." "Fucked." "Well, shit." "I guess we're just gonna have to win that championship." "And we're gonna do it in the best goddamn costumes you've ever seen." "And if you don't like that, phil," "You can kiss this perfect, fucking ass of mine." "Did she just say what i think she said?" "She said you could kiss that perfect, fucking ass of hers." "This is not over." "And all i'm hearing is the same happy horseshit" "I've been hearing from every recruiter, coach, and chick since seventh grade." "Hey, i don't know how you run your team meetings," "But i don't need to hear from the towel boy," "So why don't you go ahead and take it outside?" "You know, tyler, i actually was towel boy for a long time." "I called it." "And i may not Have a job tomorrow," "But for now, the rebels own your rights." "So i'm your fucking boss." "Look, i just restructured a dozen contracts" "For real professionals." "Grown-ass men who've actually done something in this game." "And they're all taking hits To their wallets" "For a chance to play with you," "And you stand there And you insult them?" "I've seen your numbers, tyler." "They're inflated." "'cause you played against Cupcakes three times a year" "And impressed kiper mcshay and all the other draft morons." "But your measurables Aren't that great." "And sweet pee pee scored higher than you in the wonderlic." "26, bitch." " Good for you, sweet pee pee." "So here's a proposal." "Fuck off." "Hold out and play in canada next year," "See what their program's all "aboot."" "Or better yet, i'll just trade you to the mistake by the lake." "Hope you like cleveland in december, dick." "Yo!" "That's our motherfucking gm right there!" "You see that?" "Great speech in there, man." "But who's gonna play quarterback?" "Hmm?" "Think about it." "Shake that ass, rick." "You're a dancer, not a football player." "I should take this." "You want to win celebrity dance challenge." "Well, that costs." "And right here is where you start paying." "Yeah, i know, i know, i have to take this." "Hello, this is rick." " Hey, it's danny norwood," "General manager of the Los Angeles rebels." "Okay." "I don't know what your situation is right now," "But we need a quarterback." "What time is practice?" "Training camps are opening today," "And look who just signed with the rebels." "Journeyman quarterback Rick Massella." "You know, no disrespect, but good, old number 9 has never had" "What it takes to be a winner in the pfl." "Well, he never Had a strong arm," "But his restaurant, they had some really good wings." "I hear that." "Really, what they need's hurricane jesus." "Not the seven-time fiat Quarterback challenge winner." "Well, he got a lot of cars." " Yeah." "City of angels." "* ooh, ooh, city of angels city of angels *" "Do you know where i could find coach paysinger?" "What are you doing here?" "I'm playing quarterback for the los angeles rebels." "I'm the owner of the los angeles rebels." "Oh, for fuck's sake." "Yeah." "* i came to l. a." "To make rock and roll * * along the way I had to sell my soul * * i made some good friends that make me say * * i really wannabe in l. a." "* i took the ten to get to beverly * * laid some rock to tape roll at 11ad * * alain and natasha always make me say * * i really wannabe in l. a."