"To be continued?" "Is Finn at home?" "He's gone to Leeds, Rae." "Fag?" "You're sitting there with your thumb up your arse while they take the piss out of me." "I kind of owe you 16 birthday presents." "So Izzy told him about the kiss?" "No." "She just broke up with him." "You shut your mouth please." "You're supposed to be my best mate and you don't give a shit!" "I'm not your mum!" "Stay away from me." "How long has she been gone?" "Two days." "'Dear Diary. people have in their heads a vision 'of what the first time would be like." "'And mine nearly came true." "'It nearly came true twice." "'But I've said it before." "'It's not like it is in the movies." "'Movies aren't real." "They're just stories.'" "Mia?" "Mia!" "Morning." "Hiya." "Liam, wake up, you lazy little shit." "Jesus." "Don't Jesus me." "Listen, Remember to ring the sparky." "OK." "For your Nana." "Whatever." "Lazy bugger." "Can I use your bathroom before I leave?" "Yeah, go for it." "Did you sleep with your clothes on?" "Yes." "Me too." "It's pretty cool we're as fucked up as each other." "Did you enjoy last night?" "I know it was your, er, first time." "Totally loved it." "Perfect." "'Do you ever wish you could look back 'and see the exact moment your life started to fall to pieces?" "'The beginning of the end." "'Oh, you have to be kidding!" "'" "What do you think you're doing?" "I've got one place on Earth that I can go and chill out." "One place that is not filled with your staff or Karim's stuff or the baby's stuff." "And you've taken that away from me." "I am not sharing my room with your baby." "We are redecorating so I had to move your stuff." "Yeah, I can see that." "I found this." "So?" "It's from your dad." "Isn't it?" "You gave me his address, what did you expect?" "I just don't know what you could possibly want from him, what he could bring to your life." "He's interested in me." "He buys me amazing presents." "But best of all, he doesn't talk about babies all the time." "Do you know what?" "I wish that..." "Don't say it." "Don't you dare say it." "Why did you have to get pregnant?" "You've already messed up one kid's life." "Why do it to another?" "Just tell me one thing." "Do you care at all about this baby?" "No." "What?" "What, are you going to slap me again?" "'All I'd wanted for months 'was to fit into college, to have a normal life." "'I was no longer just a big girl in first year." "'I was the girl who had the panic attack on stage." "'I was the crazy girl.'" "So?" "I thought you was mental when you set the alarm off." "Freaking out on stage takes it to a different level." "Everyone thinks you're a psycho, you know?" "You are not the only one everyone's talking about, though," "Where is that slag you call a best mate?" "You can say whatever you want about me, but do you ever say anything about Chloe." "Ever." "You better get off her." "Little bitch." "Are we clear?" "Rachel!" "Do you want to tell me what's going on?" "I give you a warning." "I give you a final warning." "There is no final final morning, Rae." "Well, you don't have to kick me out." "I can't do it." "I'm leaving." "I'm not going to let you do that." "Why?" "You just said you were going to kick me out." "Rae, you are one of the cleverest students in this entire college." "Don't throw that all away because of a bunch of bullies and knobheads." "We'll fix it." "Haven't you heard?" "I'm crazy." "And no-one can fix that." "Thanks for all the chances you've given me." "And I'm so sorry if I let you down." "'That's the thing about Rae Earl, she will let you down." "'Everything she comes into contact with will fall apart." "'Touched by the darkness of her disease." "Her bright future." "Her gang of friends." "Her family." "'Even her best friend." "'Maybe I keep finding myself on my own because no-one wants me around." "'Maybe it's because they know I'm mental.'" "All right, everyone?" "I just wanted to start by saying that Danny is about to go home." "Thanks, everyone." "I thought I'd be a bit more excited about today." "I-I can't remember what it's like, as such, outside." "I'm just a bit afraid of fitting in." "Of people thinking that I'm weird." "I can be myself in here and that's fine." "Because there's people who like the weird bits of me." "And there's people who can hold me together when... ..when everything else falls apart." "What's the matter with you?" "You're normally the first one out the door." "I've decided to come back." "into hospital." "Please let me come back." "You can't just decide to come back to hospital." "Danny is leaving." "So there's a room free." "That's not how it works, it's not a hotel, it's a hospital." "But I'm sick." "But not by the standards of this hospital, you're not." "The people who come and stay here are either a danger to themselves or to others." "You're neither of those things." "You've stopped hurting yourself." "You haven't hurt yourself for months." "What's happened?" "No, I don't want to talk about it with you." "Therapy, it doesn't work." "I've been coming to you for six months and nothing's changed." "In my professional opinion, I think you're wrong." "If nothing had changed, you'd still be hurting yourself." "People who are broken, they don't want you to be professional." "They just want you to be real." "'Dear Diary." "Is this how it works?" "'Aren't you allowed back into hospital 'unless you do something extreme?" "'Do you have to show you're broken on the inside 'by breaking yourself on the outside?" "'" "'How's it going?" "I wanted to write you a letter to say hi." "'And also to say sorry about leaving like I did." "I miss you already." "'You are world-class." "I mean that." "'Our group of friends was nothing until you sprayed Rae all over it." "'Look after them all." "You're the one they always look to." "'You're the glue." "'So no pressure." "Laters." "Finn." "'Don't let Chop do his running elephant joke any more." "'It's not as funny as he thinks it is.'" "'What was the point in ringing Finn?" "He was gone now." "'What would I even say?" "What if he was right, though?" "'What if I was the glue?" "'What if, because I'm the one that broke at all," "'I'm the one that can fix it?" "'The problem is that when everything is in a million little pieces, 'it's hard to know what to try and fix first." "'I guess I had to begin with the hardest thing of all.'" "Hi, Mr Gemell." "Is it all right if I speak to Chloe?" "I need to apologise to her." "Chloe's not here, she's still missing." "She's not back?" "We don't know what to do." "We've talked to the police." "She's never been missing for this long, so they've finally taken seriously." "They're going to want to talk to you and your friends at some point." "We've talked to this Ian person." "Yeah." "But he said he doesn't know where she is." "Nobody knows where she is." "This is Chloe's diary." "I don't know if it will help." "I took it the other day." "Why did you take it?" "I don't know." "I wanted to find out why she'd been behaving the way she had." "I wasn't thinking." "I'm too wrapped up in my own stuff." "I haven't been a very good friend to her." "Neither have I." "'There was no way that Ian didn't know where Chloe was." "'No way!" "'There was also no way I was going to his house on my own." "'I needed backup." "'I needed to take one of the other fixes off my list first." "'But the problem was, Archie was mad at Chop for not standing up for him in front of Simmy and Macca." "Izzy was mad at Archie for telling Chop she'd kissed Peter." "And Chop was mad at Izzy because she dumped him and now they all refused to be in the same room together." "It's the perfect storm." "Well, the perfect shit storm." "Hi, muggins." "Is it true?" "What?" "That you've left college?" "Yes." "You can't, I won't let you." "I've put up with too much whingeing from you to let it happen." "Listen, that's not why I asked you here." "Well, why did you?" "Rae!" "Look, just listen to me for a second, please." "What's going on?" "What's he doing here?" "Er..." "What's he doing here?" "What's she doing here?" "Oh, bollocks!" "It would be easier gluing dog shit to the wind." "Well, at least I got them in one place." "Maybe it wasn't a lost cause." "And if I can fix the gang, maybe I can fix everything else." "This is your fault, Iz." "What is?" "Clo going missing." "How is it my fault?" "Don't take a genius to work it out, does it?" "You cheating on me, that made things awkward." "If you hadn't have done that, me and you would still be together, the gang would still be together and we would have seen that Chloe was in the shit." "But I didn't even want to kiss him!" "I didn't fancy him." "It was a mistake." "Well, why did you kiss him then?" "See." "You still can't tell me." "Yeah, but it isn't my fault." "If Archie hadn't told you about me and Peter..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "I didn't make you kiss the guy, did I?" "If it's anyone's fault it's Chop's." "What?" "Because I tell you for free whose fault it isn't." "Uncle Archie's." "Archie, I told you to stop calling yourself that." "How can it be mine?" "You're all making it seem like me, the one who's done..." "Guys, guys!" "Stop it." "Please, just stop it." "It's everyone's fault." "Mainly Izzy's." "I beg your pardon?" "You know what, Chop, I'll tell you why I kissed Peter." "Because I was upset and disappointed with you for what you did to Archie." "You let them boys kick him off the football team and call him horrible names and be mean to him." "Yeah?" "What those boys done." "I didn't do it." "Yeah, you didn't DO anything." "Bad shit happens when good people do nothing." "This is some fresh bullshit." "Let me out of the car." "What?" "Let me out the car!" "Stop it!" "Guys, stop it!" "Maybe I couldn't fix the gang." "Maybe they were broken forever." "But so long as there was a shot at helping Chloe, I had to take it." "Even if it was on my own." "What do you want?" "Is Chloe here?" "No." "Can I use your toilet?" "No, you can't." "Don't be a dickhead, I know where it is." "I was always surprised why Chloe was friends with you." "She's beautiful, you're minging." "OK..." "I just want to see my best mate, please." "We only let you hang out with us because Chloe told us you were funny and clever." "That's what they always say about fat girls, isn't it?" "Got great personality." "You haven't." "Chloe?" "Have you ever stopped to think why Chloe hasn't been in touch?" "Because she doesn't want you around her." "No-one wants you around..." "No-one wants you around..." "No-one wants you around." "Go on, then." "Fuck off." "Ian was right." "No one wants me around here because I don't fix things," "I only break them." "But I know a place where they do." "Where people understand me." "Like Tix understood me." "And I know how to make them take me back." "Just a little cut." "Not like last time." "Just a few little cuts." "Mum?" "Mum?" "Mum?" "Mum!" "Mum?" "Oh, no!" "Rae, it's the baby." "I need you to help me, darling." "No." "No, mum, I'm not strong enough, I can't." "You can, darling." "Everything is going to be fine." "I promise." "Now go and get me some towels." "OK, OK." "Good girl." "Ring me an ambulance." "OK, please." "OK, OK!" "Doctor, I've got the notes you needed before..." "I'm sorry, you can't come any further." "They haven't said anything." "You go for sleep, yes?" "I ring." "If they say, I ring." "Cool." "'Look after them all." "'You're the one they always look to, you're the glue, so no pressure." "'Laters, Finn.'" "There are times when I can't stop speaking, when a million words leave my mouth in a matter of seconds, a million words that mean nothing." "Hello?" "Hello?" "But when I want to find some words that mean everything," "I just can't speak." "Like "I miss you," like "I love you,"" "like, "My world is falling apart and I need you by my side."" "Hello?" "'Good morning, Rae." "It's Kester." "I just wanted to ring 'to say I would love you to come in today for a session.'" "Yeah." "You must be tired." "Yeah." "Well, I didn't want to go to sleep in case the hospital rang." "I wanted to apologise for losing my temper with Liam the other day and for not setting a good example, boundaries-wise." "I shouldn't have come round to your house." "I was angry because I was embarrassed about it." "Yeah, well, I shouldn't have lost my temper." "I only did it because I care about you, about all of you." "I guess from now on we'll just establish the boundaries as we go." "I'm a horrible person, Kester." "Why would you say that?" "My mum asked me if I cared about the new baby." "And I said no." "And the frightening thing is... is that I meant it." "I don't care." "Everywhere I go I seem to break things." "And the more I try to fix them, the more I make it worse." "It's not just my mum, it's my friends, it's Chloe." "Because you can't fix other people until you've fixed yourself." "But I can't be fixed." "Because I'm crazy." "You're not crazy." "If you want to be a nicer person to other people, that's where it starts." "I've tried being nice to myself." "Have you?" "Because you've just been telling me what a horrible person you are." "You're just using whatever's happening with Chloe or your mum as another reason to hate yourself." "Every session, you say that I need to love myself," "I need to start liking myself more." "For months now." "You're like a broken record." "But you never tell me how to start or when to start or where to start." "All right, we'll start now then." "Not tonight, not tomorrow, not after this cup of tea, we'll start right now." "Close your eyes." "Close your eyes." "Now I want you to tell me what you don't like about yourself but be honest with me." "Don't be clever, don't be angry." "Be honest." "I'm fat." "And I'm ugly." "And I ruin things." "Try and find some sense of how long you've felt that way." "I don't know." "Since I was about nine or ten." "So this is an opinion you formed a long time ago about yourself." "Open your eyes." "I want you to imagine a ten-year-old version of yourself sitting right there on this coach." "Now this is the little girl who first believed that she was fat and ugly and an embarrassment." "I want you to imagine her sitting there right now." "Now tell that little girl she's fat." "I'm not going to do that." "Tell that little girl she's ugly." "I don't want to." "Tell that little girl she's an embarrassment and worthless and useless." "Because that's what you do every single day when you say that to yourself." "When you convince yourself that you're an embarrassment and a burden." "Well, don't you think she's ugly?" "No." "No?" "Or fat?" "No." "No?" "Or an embarrassment?" "Or horrible or worthless?" "Just stop it!" "No!" "Right?" "No." "Want do you want to say to that little girl?" "If she said to you that's how she felt about herself, what would you tell her?" "That she's fine." "That she's perfect." "Then that's what you need to tell yourself." "Every time you feel that panic, that anxiety... ..you need to soothe yourself like you would soothe the little girl." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "You need to tell yourself that everything's going to be OK." "If you commit to that, then I promise you you'll be able to face anything." "And it starts right now." "Everything starts right now." "Do you ever wish you could look back and see the exact moment your life started to come together?" "The end of the beginning, the moment you knew everything was about to change?" "Is there any news?" "She's out of danger." "Has she said anything?" "No, I mean your sister." "My sister?" "Yeah." "She's in intensive care." "Is she going to be OK?" "We just need to wait and see what happens in the next few hours." "What about my mum?" "It's too early to say." "We're doing everything we can for her." "Thanks." "That's all right." "I'm a sister." "I'm actually someone's big sister." "Nice." "I think you'll make a pretty good big sister." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "You don't think I'll be annoying?" "I didn't say that." "Right." "If you need a lift here after college, then I can take you." "I've got a lot of free time on my hands." "I've decided that being a scaffolder in Leeds wasn't exactly the dream I thought it'd be." "Thanks, but..." "It's all right." "I'm not going to college any more." "Why would you leave?" "Everyone there knows that I'm crazy." "You guys know me." "You understand me." "Not everyone's like that, Finn." "Yet, but everyone's crazy." "Everyone has to struggle and fight, they just haven't realised it yet." "At least you have." "Once upon a time, in a disabled toilet far, far away... ..you asked me why I liked you." "Remember?" "Yeah, I remember." "It's because you're strong." "You just haven't realised it yet." "Rachel, you can see your sister now, if you like." "I'm your big sister." "I'm going to look after you and love you and make sure you're all right." "You're perfect." "You are perfect." "You can be strong." "You can be strong." "You CAN be strong." "What do you want?" "I want you to tell me where Chloe is." "Why should I?" "Because I want to know she's OK." "Why don't you just go away and stop bothering people?" "Who's that?" "Visitor for you, mate." "What the fuck are you doing here?" "She says she's looking for Chloe but I think she's come for you, lad." "Yeah, Chloe told me why you won't sleep with me." "She said that you've got a problem with taking your clothes off and that." "It doesn't surprise me." "If I looked like you, I'd probably feel exactly the same." "Weird, Chloe can't keep her clothes on but you can't take them off." "It'd have been a pity fuck as well, you know?" "Like any fuck she'll ever have." "Right?" "I was pissed." "'If I looked like you, I'd probably feel exactly the same.'" "You're perfect." "You are perfect." "Everything is going to be OK." "Listen, Rae..." "It's time you do one." "No." "I'm looking for Chloe." "Are you going to move or what?" "Chloe?" "Oh, Chloe." "Thank God." "What are you doing here, Rae?" "I've come to take you home." "Everyone's really worried about you." "I'm fine." "No-one's hurt me." "You shouldn't be going out with Ian, Clo." "He's not a nice person." "Going out?" "We're not going out." "We're fucking, having fun, getting wasted." "And we can do that and still sleep with whoever we want because we're adults." "I fooled around with Ben the other night, so what?" "You wouldn't get it because you're not a part of it." "And I know what you're thinking." "You think they're taking advantage of me." "But they aren't." "They like me." "You know, and I'm the one taking advantage." "I'm the one with the power, me." "So what is it that you think they like about you, then, Clo?" "I didn't say like, I said want." "You said like." "Well, what's the difference?" "Do you have any idea how good it feels when someone, someone literally can't keep their hands off you and they grab you like they're crazy?" "You think I'm a bad person, I can see that." "No, I don't think that." "No, you think I'm a stupid slag!" "Well, so what?" "!" "It's my body and I can do what I want with it." "Do you understand that?" "I do understand." "Clo, I do, I do understand." "I do." "Chloe, please let me get you out of here." "I'm scared." "I know." "But it'll be all right." "OK, everything will be all right." "I promise." "Here you go." "It's your favourite mug." "Is your mum going to be all right?" "I don't know." "Can I get you anything else?" "No." "Rae..." "I'm scared about telling my parents everything." "I'm scared about Ian coming to find me." "Hey, don't be." "OK, we'll sort it out." "We'll sort everything out." "Chloe..." "I found your diary in your room." "I read it." "I let you down." "I'm so sorry that I let you down." "So, you know about Finn?" "Yeah." "I didn't fall in love with him on purpose." "I know..." "I'm not meant for a Finn." "I'm meant for a Ian." "Oh, Chloe, of course you're not." "You need to start being kinder to yourself." "You need to... you need to soothe yourself." "Say, "OK, Rae."" "OK, Rae." ""OK, Rae!"" "OK, Rae!" "God!" "Oh, what's everyone in college saying?" "They are saying that you're a slut." "Nice." "And I'm mental... oh." "Do you know, I don't even care what they think of me." "I just care what you think of me." "Well, I think... that you're my best mate..." "..and I think you're amazing!" "Stop it." "Oh, baby!" "Oh, baby, you know it's OK, it's OK." "Are you all right?" "Mmmm, yeah, I'm stable... apparently." "First time in my life anyone's ever said that about me." "Hey, I'm sorry we fell out." "When I was lying there on the bathroom floor, I remember thinking how bad it would be if..." "Well, you know, if... the last thing we did was have an argument and that was how you remembered us." "No, don't be stupid." "I was just angry about you seeing your dad." "I was selfish, it's just because I don't think he's a nice person." "You should have the opportunity to form your own opinions." "Mum, how did you know it was him that gave me that record player?" "Oh, I don't know." "Mum?" "It's the same record player he gave me, for our anniversary, 20 years ago." "I didn't want to tell you." "Why would he do that?" "I honestly don't know." "Maybe he just forgot." "Anyway, I've got a favour to ask you." "I've not seen the baby yet." "Will you describe her to me." "Mum, she's so cute... her fingers and toes are like little Rice Krispies." "She's the most beautiful baby in the whole world and she yawns like a little lion cub..." "There's a part in all of us that's scared and not sure." "And when you get the ability to see that in yourself, you start to see that everyone is fighting, every day and just like Finn said, so, instead of saying," ""You're fat and you're ugly..."" "I'm going to say, "You are the person who helped your mum out," ""Who saved your best mate who lives with an illness but keeps on going."" "Me..." "I did all that all that." "That's not to say me and Chloe weren't scared of going back to college, we were terrified." "But we had to do it for each other." "Jesus!" "Because there's nothing we couldn't face when we're together." "I thought you were off getting your brains shagged out by every man in Stamford." "Don't Rae." "Oh..." "See you later Vicky." "Listen, there something I've got to go an do, are you all right?" "Yes, I'll be fine." "Are you going?" "Yes... go!" "So, you've come out of hiding." "So, how about tonight, then?" "Listen, Liam, I think we should just be friends." "I just don't think that we're good for each other." "Why?" "I don't want to be fucked up any more." "I don't think that there's anything wrong with being fucked up." "Yeah, you say that... so, you don't think that people can change?" "But I know that they can." "Liam could stay the same and that's OK but I was changing now and that meant not turning up on my dad's doorstep." "It meant, finally, writing him a letter that said," ""It was nice to meet you and see you around."" "Because the truth was that I already had a dad." "Hang on, Mum, why are we going into your room?" "Well, that's the thing, it's not our any more." "It's your room." "What?" "No!" "Oh, my God!" "Do you like it?" "Yeah!" "Wait, where are you going to sleep?" "Oh, we'll go in with the baby and when mini Boushtat needs her own space, we'll sort something out." "Anyway, you'll be at uni then, won't you?" "Eh, eh, won't you?" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Hang on... how did you two afford all this?" "Well, why do you think Karim took a second job?" "He's been working nights to make this whole house look nice, haven't you Mr Lollypop." "Stop!" "Cross." "Really?" "I like, it's not bad." "No." "Mum, thank you." "Karim, thank you." "Oh, baby." "I don't know what to say." "You didn't have to do all this for me." "It's my job number three, job number three, taking care of my three ladies." "Yes?" "I say wrong?" "Love, you said perfect!" "Anyway, little Boushtat gets to come home next week, so, say goodbye to sleep." "You all right with that?" "Mum, you joking?" "I can't wait!" "Everything was slowly coming back together." "There was just one thing left to be fixed." "So, what time's Finn getting here?" "How should I know?" "Archie, I'm so sorry that I was mad at you." "Look, I know that you were angry at Chop and that's why you told him." "I'm sorry too." "Oh, for..." "You all right, dudes?" "How's it hanging..." "Archie, still a bummer?" "Just go away!" "What, that was a legitimate question." "Are you still a bummer?" "Stop!" "Everyone, stop what they're doing!" "Why don't you tell the full pub what you've just asked Archie?" "What you on about, Chop, man?" "I'm being serious, pal!" "Tell the whole pub!" "Piss off!" "This motherfucker here is a top fella and I sat there and watched you two mugs take the piss out of him." "I'm sorry, lad." "Jesus, are you two going out or something?" "If I see you in this pub again," "I'll fucking debrief you!" "Off you pop, lads." "Bye!" "Bye!" "Chop, you didn't have to..." "I love you, lad." "I mean that." "There he is." "Hiya, Rae, all right?" "Are you all right, Danny?" "Yeah, thanks for inviting me." "I'm so excited and nervous." "I only wore one hat cos I don't want everybody to think" "I'm too mad or anything." "And that was that, everything was back together again... well, almost everything." "Taking a bite out of a piece of bread was one thing but getting naked was another." "And if I couldn't do it, then it wasn't fair to Finn to get involved with him again." "Or to be around him." "How's it going?" "Ups and downs, you know." "I just wondered if we could talk." "You know, about you and me." "No, no, I don't think that's a good idea." "I don't think talking's a good idea." "Dear Diary, that's the thing with diaries, they're like movies, they're just stories, filled with the things I saw and the things I felt." "But when I look around," "I see that everyone's the protagonist of their own story." "And the thing about stories is that not all of them have a happy ending." "But some do." "This is much better than talking." "Yeah, well, when I say, "To be continued,"" "I mean, "To be continued!""