"What a card." "Right in the old labonza." "Labonza." " Go ahead, Cuddles." "Take a card." " Don't rush me." " That's against the rules." " You slapped my wrist." ""Dear Dad, The war goes on. "" ""And on and on. "" ""Our biggest enemy is boredom." "We don't know what to do with ourselves. "" ""I write obscene prescriptions and throw them into the nurses' tent. "" ""You know it's boring when Trapper and Frank do anything together. "" "Gin." " You cheated." " Of course I did." "How else could I win?" " Don't talk to me for the rest of the war." " How about the next war?" " That'll be okey-doke with me, fella." " Fine." "We don't talk for this war and WW III." "Moron." ""Though we don't get along personally, we do have a professional animosity. "" ""The OR continues to be a funny place, if you can learn to laugh as you throw up. "" ""It's like smorgasbord in a slaughterhouse." "Everything looks so bad. "" "Let's do the sigmoid colon before we go on to the bladder." "OK?" "OK." ""Now in Injia's sunny clime, Where I used to spend my time" ""A-servin' of 'Er Majesty the Queen," ""Of all that black-faced crew The finest man I knew" ""Was our regimental bhisti, Gunga Din." ""Tho' I've belted you an' flayed you, By the livin' Gawd that made you," ""You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din. " Metzenbaum scissors." "Are we going to have poetry in surgery now?" ""There was a young lady from Kent, Who took off her... "" "Steady, Henry." " How you doin'?" " OK, Doc." "That does it." "But we need another unit of plasma." " For me?" " Yeah, we got a special this week." "Take a pint of blood and we give you six free highball glasses that break easily." " Gimme a bottle of your best stuff." " Yes, Doctor." "Make sure I get the right colour blood, hey, Doc?" " Huh?" " I wouldn't want any of that darkie stuff." "Yeah, sure." " Colonel?" " Yeah, just a minute." " Collins." "Yeah?" " Sir, you'd better look at this." " Where is this guy?" " He's in the scrub room." "You can't let anybody in here with a grenade in his pants." "He's not wearing pants, sir." "Holy cow." "Collins, take over." "Jones, you assist him." "I want a spinal tray, a major pack and some bone instruments." " You'll need some more light in here." " Outta here, Radar." "Pierce, look at this." "The kid's in the pre-op." "Let's go." ""Occasionally, we get a kid comes in with an unexploded grenade shot into his body. "" ""Something they neglected to tell us about in med school. "" ""The procedure is simple. "" ""You operate on a human time bomb while you promise God anything he wants if he'll keep your patient from blowing up in your face. "" ""There must be an easier way for a surgeon to make $413.50 a month. "" "Get another glove, honey." "Gimme some towels." "Towels, towels." " Now you get outta here, nurses." " Everybody clear outta here." "Forget the sandbags." "Just get outta here." " I think that's long enough." " We'll soon see." "Scalpel." "Take it easy." "Gimme some scissors." " I think that's long enough." " Don't shake him." " Sponge." " Sponge." "Boy, this is one hot potato." " This kid can't be 18." " Let's see if we can get him to 19." "Sponge." "There it is." "Who's gonna lift it out?" "How about the late me?" "Gimme some retraction." " Got it?" " Yeah." "Then steady." "Easy." "Easy." "OK, get it outta here." ""I'm glad to report that the patient and the doctors survived. "" ""There followed another operation we call 'The Happy Hour', a chance to meet your neighbour, or do better than meet your neighbour. "" "This is nice." "I bet we could dance great together, too." " It doesn't hurt?" " I've done 100 hernias." " You think I should have it done?" " Sure." "Take off your dress and say "Ah. "" "Radar." "Can I ask you a question?" " Sure." " Everybody says you're a virgin." "Is that true?" "I really don't know." "This guy's a one-star general." "Thirty years a doctor." "Patient's in pain." "Guess what his orders were?" " Give him a coffee enema." " My word." "Then I had to open my big mouth and say "With cream and sugar?"" "You're kidding?" "He was afraid he'd get the wrong-coloured blood?" "Damned fool." "I was on a plane for Korea in twelve hours." "I mean, I shoulda done it." "The coffee was already brewed." "What would it have cost me?" "Well, the enema's loss was our gain, Colonel." "Why don't we pay Condon - that's his name - a little nocturnal visit?" " Nothing violent." "Just reverse prejudice." " Capital idea." " A hernia?" "No, it doesn't hurt at all." " Honest?" "Snip, snip, it's over." "I understand you're in need of a medical man." " I see you couldn't find one." " Where's Condon?" "Number 9." "With the bedpan marked "For whites only. "" " Got the magic mixture?" " Yes, master." "Right this way, Igor, I will show you." "Terrific." " Still sedated?" " Just enough." " Cotton." " Cotton." "Somebody's gotta pick the cotton." " What'd you use?" " Tincture of iodine." " It should last for a couple of days." " Perfecto." " Mind if I dab along?" " You do his hands." ""Coming to you from the mess tent now. "" ""Not a bad place to eat if you like cold dishes like steak, lamb chops, stew, soup, coffee. "" ""Makes you long for home." "But then almost everything does. "" ""Which brings me to Colonel Henry Blake. "" ""He's a lovely man, our Henery, but if this weren't a war, he'd be arrested for impersonating an officer. "" " How are we coming, Radar?" " Almost, sir." " Sure you know how to work that gismo?" " You just feed the leader through, catch it on the sprockets, and hook it on the take-up reel." "Glad you know how." "I was never very good with my hands." "I guess that's why you became a surgeon, huh, sir?" " That's very funny, Radar." " Thank you, sir." " Given up your plans to become a sergeant?" " No, sir." "Hi, Henry." "There you go." "What's happening?" "Dirty movies in the middle of the day?" "Just sit down and none of your sass." "Whatever you say." "It's your theatre." "What are you showing?" "My wife sent a film." "One of my kids' birthday parties." " Hey, that's great." " Help yourself to a drink." " Thank you." " Yeah, we will." " Anytime, Radar." " Yes, sir." "Keep your hands to yourself, Trapper." " That's Molly at the head of the table." " She's adorable." " Real beauty, Henry." " Yes, she's really pretty, sir." "Just like her mother." "Bright as a penny." "Didn't she get anything from you, Henry?" "I'm her boyfriend." "Steady." "That's the missis." " She's all right, Henry." " All right?" "She was Succotash Queen at Illinois Normal." " How did you bag her, Henry?" " Did ya slip her something in her succotash?" "No, I met her at a freshman mixer." "She was with Buzz Wilensky, captain of the football team." "Big, handsome son-of-a-gun, Buzz." "She took one look in my direction..." " And?" " And I begged her to go out with me." "Proposed to her on the first date, right on the ice." " You really beat old Buzz's time, huh?" " Yeah." "He went on to become the biggest cement contractor in the Midwest." "Saved her from a life of prosperity, right, Henry?" "Henry, if you don't give the command to cry, I will." " Turn it off, Radar." " Yes, sir." "Wait a minute." "Hold it, Henry." "Now the dirty movie." "For Pete's sake, why did Lorraine tack that on?" "Terrific, Henry." "He actually hit the ground first time." "Got my shoes wet, too." "That's embarrassing." " Great-lookin' legs, though, Henry." " You've been over here too long." "That's Molly." "She must have been about three." "That's Milt Jaffe, the gynaecologist next door." "Everybody should have a gynaecologist next door." "I'm afraid to ask what's on the other side." "Boy, that Sylvia Jaffe's loaded for bear." "I could see that all over again." "Why not?" "Radar?" "Yes, sir." " That was very touching, Henry." " Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" "Tell me one thing." "Did you and Milt ever get married?" " Radar, how are you doing?" " In a minute, sir." ""We've heard General Eisenhower is going to run for president. "" ""What some guys won't do to get out of the army. "" ""Still, some people make it work for them." "They keep in good physical shape. "" ""Others occupy themselves with painting, finding enjoyment in adding colour to all our lives. '" ""Then there are devotees of exotic cultures, who nightly practise their khaki fertility rites. "" "Knock, knock." "Anybody home?" "Hello, Frank." "Here we are again." "Frank, don't nibble on me while I'm reading." " I want to turn a page." " Good, I'll wet your finger." "Here, turn a whole lot of pages." "Frank, be honest." "Do you really think of me as a bag of desirable bones?" " Of course, Margaret." " I have a mind, Frank." " A mind and a brain." " Of course you do." "Let me kiss your brain." "Frank, leave." "And don't slam the door." "If I want this kind of aggravation, all I have to do is open one of my wife's letters." "I'm sick to death of being reminded that you're a married man." "How do you think I feel?" "It's not my fault I'm married." "She trapped me." " Ha." "I'll bet." " She did." "She did so." "She said she liked me." "And that trapped you?" "You should have seen my skin in college." "I only became a doctor to clear up my face." "Take your face - your married face - and get out." "A- vec play-zeer, Miss Snake-in-the-Grass." "You should talk, you two-timing four-flusher." " Frank." " Margaret." " Excuse me, Doc." " Not now, soldier." "I'm due in OR." "There are a lot of ward people here." "Miss?" "Yes?" " What's your problem?" " Lemme ask you somethin'." " Did you see me when I first came here?" " Yeah." "Am I darker now than I was then?" "I see what you mean." "Are you sure they gave you the right blood?" "It's happened before." "They got you down as white." "Good work, baby." " What the hell are you talking about?" " Relax." "I won't give you away." " Get outta here." " I'm a lieutenant, soldier." "I don't care if you are passing." "Watch your mouth." ""At the London Zoo, every day at four, they have the chimps' tea party. "'" ""The MASH equivalent is our monthly staff meeting. "" ""The Pentagon says it's necessary, but our meetings could prolong the war by years. "" " Radar, will you call the roll, please?" " Are you kiddin'?" "We all know who's here." " Regulations require it." " I can see that." "It could be that some of us aren't all here." "I move that we take the roll and if someone's not here, he's probably elsewhere, in which case the record should show it." "Unless, of course, the person making the record isn't here." "Thank you, Pierce." "Radar." " Here, sir." " Take the roll." "Yes, sir." "Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake." " Major Margaret Houlihan." " Here." "Major Frank Marion Burns." " Marion?" " His folks wanted a boy." "I'm not in the mood for fooling around tonight." "You hear that, Margaret?" "Captain John F X Mclntyre." "We didn't hear Frank's answer." "We don't know if he's here." " Of course I'm here." " Regulations, Frank." " Radar." " Here, sir." "No." "Ask Frank over there if he's here." "Yes, sir." "Major Frank Burns?" "Here." "Captain John F X Mclntyre." " Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce." " Yo-yo." " First Lieutenant John Patrick Mulcahy." " Here." "Bless this meeting." " And all those who sail in her." " Read the minutes." "Sir, it happens it isn't your turn to chair the meeting." "We go on a rotation basis." "By golly, that's right." "OK, Radar, who chaired the last staff meeting?" "I did, sir." "None of you showed up." "But the one before that, Major Burns did." "And that makes it Major Houlihan's turn." "Right." "Major Houlihan, it's your turn to chair the table." " I'll take your seat and you take mine." " Fine." "Let it go." "Sorry, Burns." "Yeah, here's your gavel." "As chair of the month, I hereby call this staff meeting to order." "You wanna re-bless the meeting, Father?" "We will now hear the minutes of the last meeting." "Corporal." "I didn't take any." "I was the only one here." "Excuse me." "We do have the minutes for the meeting before the last meeting's minutes." " Read them, Corporal." " Yes, ma'am." ""Minutes of the last monthly staff meeting which was held six months ago. "" ""The motion was made that the officers hold a yearly reunion once a year after the war is over. "" ""The motion was defeated when it failed to receive even one vote. "" ""The meeting was declared a shambles, right after Captain Mclntyre unscrewed Major Burns' clusters. "" "Those were the days." "The purpose of this is to exchange ideas for the efficient performance of this unit." "The abuse of this forum by certain of the staff only reinforces my low opinion of them." "Frank." "You know, in this light you lookjust like Joan Crawford." " Colonel Blake." " Here, sir." " Captain Pierce is out of order." " I thought you were guaranteed for a year." "Order." "Darling, you wanna meet and talk about vein grafts and arterial surgery, or trauma, or cardiac arrest, I'll be as serious as you want." "But if we're here to improve military efficiency," "I couldn't care less whether the border rocks are painted red, white or blue." "Or whether we form a committee to study the question of camouflaging our latrines." "Or to have lifeboat drills in case we're attacked by the Korean navy," " which they don't even have one of." " Really?" " Everything we say here concerns the war." " I make a motion that the war be ended." " I second the motion." " You can't end the warjust like that." "Of course you can." "Let's vote on it." "You've all heard the motion." "Those in favour raise your right hands." "Those opposed?" "The ayes have it." "Let it be recorded that the war was ended on this date at 9.32pm." "Last man to the unemployment office is a rotten egg." "Hiya, boy." " Ready for a little lunch?" " I gotta talk to you." "Why don't ya have some food first?" "Best medicine in the world." "Just what you ordered - fried chicken and watermelon." "I never ordered that." "What are you doing to me?" "Did you give me the wrong colour blood?" "All blood is the same." " Ever hear of Dr Charles Drew, soldier?" " Who's that?" "Dr Drew invented the process for separating blood so it could be stored." "He died last April, after a car accident in North Carolina." "He bled to death." "The hospital wouldn't let him in." "It was for whites only." "See you, fella." ""How far away it all seems. "" ""Fun, affection, tenderness. "" ""More later, Dad." "It's time to go on the night shift. "" ""Well, Dad, another day, another Happy Hour. "" "Not too much." "I'm praying later." "I'm your commanding officer." "I can promote you in the field, or we can go back to my place." "Doc?" "I gottajoin my outfit." "I just want to thank you for patching' me up." "No charge." "And also for givin' me a lot to think about." "Lieutenant." "Good luck." ""One of the happier Happy Hours, Dad. "" "Excuse me." "Come on over." "I want you to meet my friends." "Hawk." "This is Nurse Anna Lindstrom." "She's with the Swedish unit." "I thought you two might hit it off." " I'll be with you in a minute." " Have a seat." "I'll get you a drink." "So don't forget, folks" "That's what you get, folks" "For makin' whoopee" "What is that?" "Whoopee?" "I'll be with you in a minute, darling."