"Hey, hey!" "What's going on?" "What are you doing?" "Watching TV." "Oh, yeah?" "Me, too." "Hey, hey, hey!" "What's your problem?" "!" "I was watching Lord of the Rings." "Again?" "Come on." "If you insist on living in a fantasy world, can you at least do it in someone else's house?" "Because that would be my fantasy." "(bleep) you." "Hey, hey, hey, what did you say?" "Nothing, I didn't say anything." "I heard what you said." "Well, then, why'd you ask me?" "Hey, listen, I'm still the father, okay?" "And you can't talk to me that way." "All right?" "I better never hear you curse me again or you're gonna have a big problem." "What are you gonna do?" "Take the remote away from while I'm trying to watch TV?" "And stop trying to get in the last word when you're going up the stairs!" "Fine." "I said stop it!" "You know that son of yours just cursed at me?" "Wow, you actually stopped yelling at Larry long enough for him to swear at you?" "Hey, you know, when I was a kid," "I never would have talked to my father that way." "I did it behind his back as a sign of respect." "Well, what did you do to him?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, just that he's a pretty sweet-natured kid." "You must have done something to piss him off." "Come on, Dave, can't you just try to get along?" "For your information, Vicky, I was trying." "I sat down with him to watch TV, we talked about The Lord of the Rings, which he loves so much, and then, out of nowhere, he opens his big mouth and curses at me." "Huh." "I mean, what kind of (bleep) is that?" "Bill, bill, porn, bill..." "Porn." "It's my Girls Gone Crazy DVD." "I've been waiting for this thing for weeks." "I'm so happy I, I could..." "Hey." "Where are you guys going?" "Oh, I promised the kids I'd take them out for Chinese." "You want to come?" "Wow." "First, my Girls Gone Crazy DVD arrives, then a minute later, Vicky and the kids want to leave the house?" "This is a sign from above." "God wants me to watch this DVD right now." "Oh, oh, no, I'm not feeling good." "You guys go ahead without me." "Honey, what's wrong?" "I just feel a little queasy." "I don't feel like eating." "I'm just going to, you know, hop in bed and take my clothes off." "Honey, I could always just order in, and I'll stay home and take care of you." "Oh, no, that's okay, I'm gonna take care of myself." "I'll be fine, sweetie." "Okay, but we'll miss you." "All right." "It won't be the same without that awkward silence after you tell the waitress, "Me hungry long time."" "Have fun." "I've got the house all to myself and my Girls Gone Crazy DVD." "I'm Jewish, but I finally know what Christmas morning feels like." "Hey, that girl in the pink bikini, that.." "that looks like..." "Oh, my God!" "Hillary?" "Hey, where are you going?" "I got to go talk to Jeff." "What?" "I thought you were sick." "Oh, I'm sick, all right, plenty sick." "$19.95 plus shipping and handling for this DVD, and now I can't even bring myself to look at it." "No, I'm feeling a lot better." "Oh, good." "Yeah." "Yeah, and you, You, you stop taking your clothes off, you." "Hey, um, can I talk to you?" "Okay, sure." "So, I'm going to the Flaming Lips concert this Saturday with some really cool sophomores." "Yeah." "They must be cool if they want to hang out with you." "Well, um, anyway, I might have told them that I could, um..." "get them some "X."" ""X" as in ecstasy?" "No, Hillary, the award-winning biopic by Spike Lee." "Anyway, you know, I was hoping maybe you can get some for me?" "You kidding me?" "You're in ninth grade." "You're way too young to be messing with stuff like that." "Okay, how old were you the first time you tried anything?" "Me?" "Yeah." "I was... n't" "I wasn't any age, and I'm not hooking you up with drugs, because I don't know any drug dealers, because I don't do drugs." "Okay, forget it, all right?" "I'll ask someone else." "Look, Hillary," "I'm so high from that stuff I got from that stranger, I can fly!" "No!" "Oh." "Oh." "If only someone had stopped him from trying drugs in the first place." "Another classic case of a sister not looking out for her younger brother." "Hey, uh, you know what?" "Maybe I can hook you up." "All right, cool." "Relax, I'm not going to actually buy him drugs, but I am buying some time." "Wow, what is this strange feeling?" "I..." "I think it's, uh, responsibility." "There, that one right there, the one with the pink bikini in the back." "Is that Hillary or not?" "Why are you asking me?" "Why don't you just ask Vicky?" "Because it might not even be her." "And if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not discuss my porn-viewing habits with my wife." "Then why don't you just ask Hillary?" "Because if it's all the same to you," "I'd rather not discuss my porn-viewing habits with my teenaged daughter." "Why not?" "It's not like this is the '50s." "Kids know what's up." "Daddy, have you seen my..." "Ew!" "Gross!" "Oh, no, no, no, sweetie, you don't understand." "Your dad and I, we're just looking for my daughter." "You're disgusting!" "Mom...!" "I can't believe you cursed out your dad." "I can't, either." "I'm just, I'm sick of him always dumping on me." "Haven't you ever kept your feelings bottled up for so long that eventually they just came out?" "Not yet." "Well, at least I got to say it to him once." "Of course, if I say it again, he'll probably kill me." "You think I'm a..." ""funny" idiot?" "I should shoot you in the "funny" head, you "funny" "fun"-face!" "This is hilarious." "They just replaced all the curse words with "funny,"" "like no one knows what they really mean." "Apparently, the FCC thinks people can't stand to hear those words on TV even though in real life, people use..." "the "F" word all the time." "Well, at least the FCC doesn't threaten to knock your head off if you ever curse at them." "Hey." "I just thought of a way to mess with my dad, and he won't know what the "fun" hit him." "Hey, what's going on, you guys?" "We're almost out of chocolate-chocolate chip." "Really?" "I got an idea--why don't you run out and get some but then never come back?" "You know what?" "Love you, Dad." "See what I did?" "Instead of saying (bleep), I said "love" right to his face." "I showed him." "Thanks, Larry, that's always nice to hear." "I love you, too." "What do you think you're doing?" "Geez, you scared me." "Don't you knock?" "Mom, can you get in here, please?" "!" "What?" "What's wrong?" "Dad's touching my bikinis." "Okay, calm down, Hillary." "I'm sure there's a perfectly rational explanation as to why your father is touching your bikinis." "Dave, please tell me there's a rational explanation for this." "Yes, there is, yes, there absolutely is." "I'm trying to see if Hillary was one of the girls in a Girls Gone Crazy DVD by matching up her bikini." "Oh, you see?" "I knew there was a perfectly rational..." "Wait, what?" "Wait!" "You were in a Girls Gone Crazy DVD?" "Of course not." "Why would you even think that?" "Because you were in Florida during Spring Break, and the girl in the movie looks just like you." "Honey, she had the flu." "She never left your parents' condo." "Yeah, you know, I might have gone a little crazy, but it's only because Nana kept yelling at me to "eat something, dahling."" "Right, right, right, you threw up the whole week." "Right, right." "Okay, cool, so we're good." "Uh, no, I'm good, you're disgusting." "Why are you watching those videos?" "Oh, I have to watch them to make sure you're not in any of them." "It's my responsibility as a concerned father." "And, besides, anyone could have made the mistake." "My friend Jeff thought it looked like you, too." "You watch videos of naked girls with Jeff?" "He's a concerned father, too." "It takes a village, you know." "Where exactly is this village?" "Bangkok?" "I can't believe that you actually watch girls my age taking their clothes off." "For your information, they're not your age." "They happen to be college girls." "I'm going to college next year." "They're, what, uh, six months older than me?" "Oh, she makes a good point." "You are such a perv." "Yes, another good point." "Honey, the next time there's an issue with one of our kids, would you mind coming to me instead of Jeff?" "You know, you could have just shown me the video." "Oh, please, how many times have I asked you to watch porn with me?" "You always say "no."" "Well, I think I would've wanted to watch it if I knew my daughter was in it." "Oh, and I'm the perv?" "Hey, what are you doing with all the porn?" "Oh, let me guess." "Jeff's coming over?" "No." "I'm throwing it all out, Vicky." "I'm never ever, ever buying any more ever again." "Porno industry goes belly-up and not in the way they're used to." "Story at 11:00." "Come on, what are you really doing?" "Alphabetizing?" "No, I'm facing reality, Vicky." "I mean, Hillary was right." "I'm a degenerate." "You're just now realizing that?" "I figured that out the first time I saw your "Home of the Whopper" underwear, and you asked me to hold the pickle." "This isn't funny, Vicky." "You know, I need to cut out the dirty, perverted, disgusting animal part of myself." "But then there'll be nothing left." "Just like a dot." "A Dave dot." "Why are you mocking me when I'm being serious, huh?" "I mean, you see this girl on the cover of I Like to be Slapped?" "She has a father, Vicky." "And I don't think he'd be too happy to know that she likes to be slapped, even under fictional circumstances." "So, all this is about the Hillary thing?" "Yes." "I mean, these girls in these magazines aren't Hillary, but they could be." "It's time for me to grow up and start acting like a real father and not like the ones in this video doing the hot nun." "Wow." "What do you know?" "Pornography actually brought a family closer together." "Well, I'm really impressed, Dave." "I know this can't be easy for you." "Yeah." "A lot of milestones in this box." "Look at this." "Hustler's first black chick." "Says it's a great day for civil rights." "Well, I think it's great you're trying to be a better father for Hillary." "I hope it rubs off on you and Larry." "Are you two getting along any better?" "Yeah, he and I are fine." "In fact, he just told me he loved me." "Aw..." "Third time today." "You got the "X" for me?" "That's so cool." "Where'd you get it from?" "From this bottle of Midol." "I can't tell you that, dude, but trust me, it's really good stuff." "It's extra strength." "Thank you." "Thank you." "You are the best sister ever." "Uh-uh-uh-uh." "Not so fast." "These hits are 20 bucks each." "Seriously?" "What, do you think they're free?" "I didn't just pull them out of the medicine cabinet, you know." "Why, Dave?" "Why would anyone give all these up?" "Because, you know, I'm trying to become a better person and a better father, you know." "Well, I'm not." "Thank you." "Thank you, Dave." "Daddy, is it okay if I..." "Ew!" "Mom!" "Hey, what's going on?" "What are you two doing?" "We're just playing this really cool computer simulation game, where you get to interact with thousands of people in a virtual world." "You can earn virtual money and buy virtual property." "Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard about this game." "I heard it's so realistic that you guys can't get dates there either." "You know what?" "Love you, Dad!" "Excuse me?" "You heard me." "Love you." "Wait, wait, wait a minute." "You're saying you love me, but, uh..." "I don't think that's what you actually meant." "Well, you're a loving genius, aren't you?" "Hey, I know what you're doing there." "And I told you, no more cursing at me." "I didn't curse." "Kenny, di-did you hear any cursing?" "No, I didn't hear any curse word." "All right, well, next time you tell me you love me," "I'm going to throw you out of this house." "Okay, fine, foot you." "Hey!" "And that goes for "feet", too." "I'm not going to have you talk to me like that, Larry." "You understand?" "I'm your father, and you're going to respect me." "Wh-What about the way you talked to me?" "You're always saying, "Larry, you're stupid." "You're a geek, you're a freak show."" "Yeah, well, those are terms of endearment." "Not to me, they're not!" "Well, at least I don't curse at you." "All right, if I'm critical at you, it's out of love." "You said "love."" "Out of love?" "That's a laugh." "You want me to respect you?" "Well, maybe I will, when you start respecting me." "Me, I'm disrespectful?" "You know, don't be a moron." "But there, you just did it again." "You know, forget I said anything." "Forget it." "I'm just gonna make myself a new virtual dad." "One that will build me up and encourage me and make me feel like I'm someone special." "Don't worry, he won't really do that." "We don't have enough points saved up." "This is great." "Hillary thinks I'm a perv." "Larry thinks I'm a jerk." "So much for being a better dad." "Oh, well, at least I don't have any problems with Mike." "That must be some kind of super Ecstasy because I'm still flying." "Really?" "Plus, you know, those muscle cramps that I've been getting?" "They're totally gone." "Yeah?" "It also helps with bloating." "Anyway, listen, if you ever want to do this again, and I don't think you should then promise me that you'll get it from me, understand?" "I dig, okay?" "I did." "Thanks, Hill." "Oh, hey, by the way," "Whatever you do, don't let Mom and Dad see you, 'cause you look totally wasted." "I'm home." "I'm going to bed." "Good night." "Bu-Bu-Bu-But get back here." "I want to hear about the concert." "Hey, what's up with you?" "Why are you acting so weird?" "Okay, maintain, maintain." "You can do this." "They don't know what's going on." "Just stay cool." "I'm on drugs!" "What?" "!" "I took Ecstasy at the concert." "I'm freakin' high as a kite right now!" "Oh, my God, Dave!" "What the hell's the matter with you?" "You taking drugs now?" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?" "I feel horrible, I let you down, and I'm sick to my stomach and I'm totally out of control." "Okay, this is gross, all right?" "And I will never, ever take drugs again." "Okay?" "I swear." "I swear." "I swear." "That's right, you'll never take drugs again, 'cause you're never leaving your room again!" "Who gave you the Ecstasy?" "Tell me his name right now, because I swear to God," "I'm gonna break his head." "Tell me who did it." "Okay, all right, well, you know," "I'm not gonna tell you because I'm not a nark." "It was Hillary!" "All right, you got 30 seconds to tell us why you gave your baby brother drugs before we have you arrested." "All right, calm down, Dave." "We're not going to have you arrested." "We're just gonna kill you." "Will you calm down?" "For your information, I happen to be a hero." "Yeah, you turned your brother to a druggie." "We should throw a parade in your honor!" "You know what?" "I didn't give Mike Ecstasy." "He asked me for some, but I only gave him Midol so that he won't go to someone else." "Are you telling me the truth?" "Yes, I swear." "He just thinks he's high." "That's not what you act like when you're on Ecstasy." "From what I've heard." "You are lucky that it turned out okay this time, young lady, but let me remind you." "You are not the parent, you don't get to make these kind of decisions." "Yeah, the next time something like this is going on, you come to us." "Giving your brother fake drugs." "I mean, what kind of message is that sending?" "Oh, like-like you never come home from a party with bloodshot eyes totally reeking?" "Wh-What's she saying?" "That I'm setting a bad example?" "Don't ask me, bro." "I'm baked." "Hey, you know what might take the edge off?" "A private screening of The Devil Wears Nada, huh?" "Starring Meryl Streep." "Oh, my God, I..." "I'm pathetic." "Damn right you are, you freakin' freak show." "And I don't mean that as a term of endearment." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Just thinking about what a crappy job I've done raising our kids." "What?" "Come on." "No, no, no, it's true." "You know, all these years, I worried that I won't have an impact on their lives." "Well, I've had an impact." "A terrible impact." "What are you talking about?" "I-I-I'm a horrible person, Vicky." "And as much as I've tried to hide it, you know, the real me has seeped out and destroyed our kids." "Ah, of course, Mike wants to do drugs." "I've done drugs, and of course Larry doesn't respect me." "I treat him like crap." "And honestly I'm really surprised that Hillary isn't a Girls Gone Crazy girl, considering the amount of porn I've hidden in this house." "You mean poorly hidden?" "Exactly." "I can't even do that right." "I blew it." "You know, I blew it." "I'm the worst father in the world." "No, you're not." "That father in the DVD doing the hot nun, he's the worst father in the world." "Come on, I'm kidding." "If you're such a crappy father, then how come you have a daughter who would look after her little brother the way she did?" "I don't know." "And what about Mike?" "He felt so guilty about disappointing us, he confessed to doing drugs the first chance he got, and he swore he'd never do them again." "That's true." "Yeah." "And as far as Larry is concerned," "I mean, how long have you been on him about growing a pair?" "Long time." "Yeah, well, I'd say he finally grew 'em." "Because let me tell you something." "Standing up to you and telling you off to your face takes guts." "I know." "I do it every day." "You know what?" "You're right!" "They are good kids, and I guess good kids just don't happen." "So, I guess that means, you know," "I'm a pretty decent father." "Absolutely, honey." "Mmm..." "And considering that I am such a good father," "I think it's only fair that I have a responsible amount of adult material in the house." "Don't you think so, sweetie?" "I don't really think you need that." "Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!" "Wives Gone Crazy!" "Oh, wait a minute." "I just had a good business idea." "Let me get the camcorder." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" "Okay, ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Where is it?" "Where is what?" "Dad's stash, Larry." "You're bogarting all the porn." "Wh-What are you talking about?" "I haven't checked anything out of the library since Barely Legally Blonde, and I returned that." "Yeah, but it's all gone." "I mean, I've looked in all of his hiding places." "In his underwear drawer?" "Yes." "In his nightstand?" "Yes." "In his grandfather's old tallis bag?" "Yes, yes, yes." "He must have tossed it all." "Wh-Wh-Why would he do that?" "Un-Unless he's, he's trying to get back at me for having cursed at him." "Had I known he was going to do that," "I would have never told him that I loved him." "You know, it's not fair." "He's got actual experiences to draw on." "That stuff was all I had to live for especially now that I've quit drugs."