"The Hall Of Fame." "Whoo, in 24 hours my man is gonna be inducted into the College Football Hall Of Fame!" "I gotta tell you sweetheart, of all the crap that they honored me for this week what I'm looking forward the most, is tonight." "A nice quiet dinner, just the two of us." "Aww, you've got the Hall Of Fame glow, baby." "You know what else has that Hall Of Fame glow?" "Thad?" "!" "I was gonna say my dick." "Marty, look out!" "Are you crazy?" "Coach." "Thank God you stopped." "There's been a murder at the goat house." "We got to get there quick." "It's so bad, coach." "He got Donny with his claw glove." "I am not lying." "A murder?" "I just saw you wink in the mirror." " He just winked at you." " No." "Did you know anything about this?" "No, I don't know anything about this." "Let's just take him home and if he's had some, he can sleep it off." " Yeah." " We have a reservation in 20 minutes." "What do you wanna do, leave him in the middle of the road?" "Hurry, coach." "Let's hope we're not too late to catch the murderer." "Hey." "Hey Thad, come here." "Come here." "I'm gonna ask you point blank." "Is there a surprise party waiting for me inside?" "Because if there is, there will be a murder." "No." "It's a murderer." "Let's just go inside." "I think he's right in..." " Here!" " All:" "Surprise!" "Aww." "Surprise, baby." "I'm real sorry I had to scare you so bad just to get you in here, coach." "Will you ever forgive me?" " ( Crowd cheering )" " Man:" "Can you feel that?" "You better hold on." "This one's about to get bumpy." "♪ Give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪" "♪ hell yeah ♪" "♪ stand up right now ♪" "♪ give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪" "♪ stand up right now, right now ♪" "♪ give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪" "Mascot, itinerary-- let's hear it." "Got it, got it." "8:50, we got a group hug." "9:00, the glee club performs." "9:15, we got potato sack races." "9:30, we got a dance by the cheerleaders with a special guest appearance by myself." "10:00, we've got some fire jugglers." "And 11:00-- the grand finale-- my 45-minute video tribute to coach." "If you start that video even one minute late," "I swear, I'll dropkick you out of the goat house and back to the dorms." "Fair enough." "Listen, I was wondering if we should play some polkas." " The old guys love" " I said no polkas." "Right, but old guys love polkas so if we play some polkas" "I said we're not doing polkas, mascot!" "And relax, buddy." "Just have fun with it." "This is hell." "Daniels doesn't waste enough of our time during football practice?" "And now we're supposed to give up a perfectly good party night drooling over him and listening to shitty music." "I don't know." "I kind of like the music and the jazz flutes." "Could have something to do with the acid you took earlier." "I invited twins to this thing, and this is what they're gonna have to walk into?" " You got twins?" " Yeah." " Can I have one?" " Well, if they stick around." "What time is this party over anyway?" "Thad says, "nobody leaves until the sun comes up." "Whoo-whoo-whoo!"" "Oh, no he's not." "He is on." "This is great." "Good to see you guys." "Hey, Harry, good to see you." " Thank you, darlin'." " Here you go." "You're welcome." "You having a good time?" "Yeah, this is really" "( slaps )" "You invited Mickey O'Toole?" "Are you crazy?" " He wasn't on the guest list." " He'd rather see me dead than in the Hall Of Fame." " Marty, hey!" " Mickey!" "I'm glad you could make it." "Are you kidding me?" "My goddamn protege making it into the Hall Of Fame." "Come on, I wouldn't have missed this for a drink." "I'm just surprised because the last time I saw you was at your retirement party." "Early retirement that you forced me into when you stole my head coaching job." "Wow." "Has it been that long, Marty?" "We're not gonna have a problem here tonight, are we, Mickey?" "Come on." "Problem?" "I'm way over that." "No, I am here as a proud mentor, that's it." "Well, that's great, Mickey." "You know what?" " What?" " You look amazing for 80." "Thanks, Debra." "You look terrible for 18." "( Chuckles )" "( Yawns )" "( Clears throat )" " Nikki, Kiki, hi." " What the hell is this shit?" " What?" " We were promised a legendary rager, Alex." "Oh, well, the rager is actually gonna be up in my room starting in about 30 minutes." "So why don't you guys just head upstairs and I'll be right behind you." "Let's get black-out drunk tonight." " Come here." " I really don't want to." " Guys, this is Alex Moran." " Hi." "The kid reminds me of Tommy McKean." "Remember Tommy McKean?" "Sure do." "Laziest son of a bitch I ever met." "Hey, Alex, coach ever tell you about the time he got punched in the face by Mick Jagger?" "You got punched in the face by Mick Jagger?" "Why?" "'Cause Marty slept with his wife." "What?" "You slept with Mick Jagger's wife?" "It wasn't his wife at the time." "They were just dating." "He was just a little guy, but you went down pretty hard, Marty." "I had to go down." "It was Mick Jagger." ""And finally, coach Daniels is so strong, he can bench press my frown into a smile." "And that is why coach Daniels is the greatest man ever born." "And now for some fun facts about coach:" "He likes golf, steaks and Haggar slacks." ( Laughs )" "I'm gonna be honest with you." "The speech is good." "It's good, but aside from the Haggar slacks, those facts aren't that fun." "I knew it." "I got to get some better fun facts." "It's 8:30." " What are you doing just sitting there?" " You told me to" " Go take the party up a notch." " Okay, all right." "( Dance music playing )" "M-M-Marty Daniels, Hall Of F-Famer." "( Wacky sound effects )" "Bringin' out the j-j-jamz." "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a night honoring the greatest coach in the world-- Marty Daniels!" "And now the moment you've all been waiting for-- please welcome to the stage Marty Daniels' ex-wife and current girlfriend-- Debra!" "♪ You're my Hall Of Famer ♪" "♪ coach ♪" "♪ my Hall Of Famer ♪" "♪ coach ♪" "♪ you're my ♪" "♪ Hall Of Famer ♪" "♪ one sexy ♪" "♪ football gamer ♪" "♪ you're my Hall Of Famer ♪" "♪ coach. ♪" "Wow!" "Wow!" "She's something, huh, Mickey?" "Marty, this is the first time in years" "I've been able to sustain a boner for more than 30 seconds." "Whew!" "Suck it in." "Let your legs do the talking, Sammy." "Whoo!" "All right!" "So Marty gets drafted by the Vikings." "First thing he does, buys a bright purple Porsche and invites the Dean's daughters to go for a spin." " What?" " The next day I'm walking across the campus and I see the Porsche sitting on the quad on fire." " ( Chuckles )" " Turns out, the Dean didn't appreciate" "Marty turning his teenage daughters on to the art of pole dancing." " That was a long time ago." " Holy shit." "No way!" " Mr. O'Toole?" " Yeah." "My speech is coming up." "I need some fun facts about coach and I need them now." "You got someplace to go that's quiet?" "You bet your sweet ass." "All right." "( Music continues )" "Hey, coach." "You're missing your party in there, man." "I been to enough parties." "Hey." "Was it true all those stories those guys have been telling about you?" "They like to exaggerate, but yeah, it's mostly all true." "What's the coolest thing you ever done?" "Charlie's Angels." "You were on "Charlie's Angels"?" "No, I slept with Charlie's Angels." " What, all of 'em?" " Not simultaneously." "Well, two were simultaneous." "The smart one was just a one night stand in Vegas." "It was wild." "I had no idea you were this cool." "You know, Moran, college is fun," " but wait till you get to the pros." " Yeah?" "You like being able to pick any girl out of a party?" "Yeah." "Imagine what it's like being able to pick any girl you want out of a stack of magazines." "I took advantage of my opportunity." "I strongly suggest that you do the same." "How's this for opportunity?" "I got a private bar and a couple of hot twins upstairs." "Mickey:" "Now I remember Marty had this little red convertible and guess what he called it?" " Red." " ( Laughing )" "A convertible named Red." "That's hilarious." "These are just the fun facts I've been needing." "Everything Marty knows about coaching he learned from me." " Example?" " When Marty was playing for me here at BMS, he came to me one day and he said he wanted to turn pro after his junior year." "I can't let that happen." "The man's my best player and captain of my team." "Hold on, hold on." "Slow down, I gotta write all this down." "Anyway, one day after a big game," "I hired a couple of call girls to accidentally bump into him." "They take him up to a hotel, get him all coked up." "Coked up?" "Oh, my gosh." "Afterwards, they take him out on their boat, which is actually my boat, right?" "And they bang his brains out all night long." "It's genius." "Come the morning, they wake up without waking Marty up, they leave, call the cops and report the boat stolen." "The next morning, cops swarming all over the place, they bust Marty for drugs, for theft." "And of course, no NFL team's gonna touch him now." "So guess what?" "He comes crawling back to me and BMS." "♪ Ta-dah!" "♪" "That's hilarious." "The exact same thing happened to me." " Get out of here." " I'm serious." "Like I said, everything Marty learned about coaching, he learned from me." "( Snorts ) Cocaine!" "I love boats!" "Wait." " Are there any drugs on this boat?" " No." "You're not saying that coach set me up." "No no no." "Well, I mean, come on." "Let's not kid ourselves, you know?" "I mean, whatever Marty wants Marty gets." "I mean, look what happened after his NFL career was over-- comes here, steals my job from right under my ass." "I guess he kind of got even for that boat thing, huh?" "It looks like you were the real victim here, Thad." "And I'm gonna talk to the athletic board and see what I can do." "Holy shit." "You ever been in the White House?" "A couple of times." "You ever had sex with someone in the White House?" "Secret service asked me not to talk about it." " Twin:" "Cool." " That's a yes!" " Twin #2:" "Wow." " Holy shit." "More stories right now, go." "You wanna hear some real stories?" "My buddies downstairs-- I flew them in so that I could show them up during my acceptance speech tomorrow night." " Hmm." " It's nights like this that make you think about the person that you really are, Moran." " Hmm." " I've had a fun life, but I haven't always done the right thing." "For every great night that I've had," "I've had just as many that I wish I could take back." "Aw." "Don't be sad." "Poor baby." "Thanks, girls." "Is that real regret or are you just looking for sympathy?" "A little bit of both." "God, that is why you are my new hero." "L-L-Ladies and gents, now for tonight's m-main event-- a video tribute to coach Marty Daniels by team captain T-T-Thad castle." "Thad's voice:" "Italy, 1910." "Coach Daniels is born to a poor Italian family" " of butter churners." " ( Screaming )" "Mama Mia!" "( Poor Italian accent ) I will name him coach Daniels!" "Oh, yes!" "Mama Mia!" "As coach Daniels grew older, his mother saw greatness in him." "( Grunting )" "( Poor Italian accent ) Mama, mama, why can't I churn butter too?" "I'm a strong boy." "You are a strong boy, coach Daniels, but butter churning is no life for a boy with your powers." "You must leave here and go coach the football at the Blue Mountain State." "I want a better life!" "Is any of this close to being true?" "I was born in New Jersey and my mother was a secretary." "As new head coach of BMS football," "I need to draft the best players in the world." "That's why today I, coach Daniels, draft captain linebacker Thad Castle." "It's a good draft, coach." "Thank you, coach, thank you!" "I promise I'll play good for you." "I'll give it my all every day." "You're not only my best player, Thad, you're my best friend too." "( Crowd chuckling softly )" "Thad:" "Turn it off!" "No!" "It's all lies!" "Coach is a liar and a bad person." "You set me up with hookers and drugs so I'd play here another year." "I could be playing in the NFL right now banging hotter sloots and making a billion dollars." "Well, guess what?" "I quit." " ( Crowd gasps )" " I'll never play for you and your lying face again." "( Polka music playing )" "Polka!" "Huh?" "Come on!" "♪ Coach coach ♪" "♪ coach coach ♪" "Hey, bro beans." "What's going on?" "I'm moving 1,000 miles away from here." "Do they have football in China?" "I don't think so, no." "( Clea throat ) Thad." "Look, before you make any rash decisions, let me tell you about Mickey O'Toole." "That son of a bitch is out to get me." "He thinks I stole his job and this is his revenge." "And he knows nothing would hurt me more than to lose you." "Look, at least give me a chance to clear this whole thing up." "Let's go find Mickey." "Jon-Jon, have you seen Mickey?" "He went upstairs with Debra." "He was muttering something about getting revenge on you." "Son of a bitch!" "I kind of knew that you'd come around sooner or later, baby." "Marty's not enough of a man for me." "Get your goddamn hands off my wife!" "Oh my gosh!" "Marty, thank God you're here." "Marty, calm down, all right?" "Take it easy." "Right hand-- she came on to me, all right?" "Really?" "Why would a beautiful woman like Debra come on to an old wrinkly prick like you, huh?" "Mickey:" "Hey, you don't listen to him, Thad." "He's setting me up, just like he d did to y." " Whoa, whoa!" " ( Thad shrieking )" "Mr. O'Toole, put your hands above your head." "He's got a gun!" "( Groaning )" "Moran:" "Jesus, you're gonna give him a heart attack!" "Thad, when Mickey set me up," "I was furious, but I went on to have a great senior year, and I made more money because of it." "Even if I did set you up, which I'm not saying I did," "I did it to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life" " by going pro early." " Cop:" "Take a look at this." "We got weed and an unlicensed firearm." "What?" "Are you guys morons?" "Can't you figure out she planted this shit on me?" " You know what, Mickey?" " What?" "You look like shit for 18." "Mickey:" "Oh, very nice." "Very nice, Marty." "You'll pay for this." "What are you lookin' at?" "Wow, I have no idea what just happened, but I'm sure it was amazing." "God, I would be honored to be screwed over by a man like that." "Twins:" "Totally." "Here you go." "Coach, before you go, there's something I've been thinking about." "I trust that everything you do is what's best for the team." "Even if you did do those horrible things, it's only because you know I'm important to you and one of the best football players alive." "But..." "I have to know the truth." "Okay, Thad." "This one time." "This one time, I'm gonna let you ask me." "Is it true?" "Did you set me up?" "No." "I guess we both need a drink." "Yeah." "( Mysterious music playing )"