"The commander of the Confederate Army was..." "Bruce Lee." ""Robert E. Lee."" "Close." "The Civil War started in 1861 and lasted... far too long." ""1865."" "You are so cool." "You talking to me?" "I'm the only one here." "Leave me alone." "I'm trying to study, scuzzball." "Scuzzball?" "Sorry, Dad, thought you were Ben." "I'd never call you scuzzball to your face." "Mike, you said you were gonna be cleaning up your room." "I did." "Nice." " That music a little loud?" " Oh, absolutely." "Dad, what are you doing?" "I'm trying to study here." "Oh, well, I surely don't want to interfere with a study method... that has brought you to the brink of failure this year, Mike." "But for the sake of the plaster on the living room ceiling..." "I'd like you to study for this history test without any loud distractions." "I don't know, Dad, all that silence could really throw me off." "Let's risk it." "Come on, just you and this book for one solid hour." "What's this?" "Are you pressuring me for a good grade?" "No, I'm a realist, Mike." "I'm pressuring you for a passing grade." "Come on, you've been squeaking through American History all year with a 67." " 68." " Oh, pardon me." "Come on." "Look, with this exam you have a chance to really improve on that." "Why don't you aim for the stars?" "70. 75!" "Dad, I get the feeling you don't think I know this stuff." "Abraham Lincoln was assassinated..." "True." "Well, a very wise man once said, Mike... that, "Those who do not know their history are doomed to repeat it."" " You mean like in summer school?" " Exactly." "Abraham Lincoln was assassinated... while he was still alive." "Jason." "Look." "Well, Mike's still studying." "What do you know?" "Looks like I actually got through to him." "Yeah, yeah, that must be it." "You probably got him so fired up he's dizzy with the thirst for knowledge." "Okay, just listen." " Mike?" " Yeah?" "What are you doing?" "Why?" "I'm curious." "Are you still studying?" "Yeah." "There's no way I'm gonna flunk this test." "Jason, there's somebody in that room imitating Mike's voice." "Oh, very funny, Mom." "Mike, the answer?" "I'm very close." "Oh, come on, I'm tired." "Hey, this is no picnic for me either." "A General." "Just name any American General." "General..." "Motors." " That's it." "I'm going to bed." " Bed?" "Come on, how can you think of bed at a time like this?" "Watching you wallow in your ignorance is too demoralizing." "Good night." "Okay, well, if you're so good at it, how do you study?" "It's very simple." "I read the material when it's assigned..." "I underline the key phrases..." "I take careful notes, and I quiz myself." "Underlining." " Hi." " Hi, where have you been?" "Oh, I was up late studying." " Do you have a test, too?" " No." "See, Mike could learn something from her." "No, he couldn't." " Well, bye." " Bye." "Well, I hate to eat and run." " Hey, you didn't even finish your eggs." " Well, what I ate was very filling." "Come on." "You don't have to give me that." "You don't have to make up a story." "If you didn't like your breakfast, just say so." " Jason..." " I can take it." " Well, I..." " Go ahead, say it." " It was yuck." " Okay, then." "That's better." "Just kidding." "Bye-bye." "All of it or just the eggs?" "Those were eggs?" "Okay, say good morning to God's gift to history." "Well, you look like a guy who's ready for a big history test." "Ready." "I am not just ready, Dad." "I have got it all:" "Names, dates, everything." "I think today will go down in history as the day Mike Seaver turns a corner." "February 20, 1986." "It's February 25." " Hey, Dad." " Hi, Ben." "This is breakfast?" "Yes." "What's for lunch?" "A surprise." "Uh-oh." "I hate surprises." "Why is Dad feeding me shoes?" "Ben, that's my bag." " Why is Dad feeding you shoes?" " Ben, come on, give it." "I need that." ""Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson..." ""Appomattox Court House."" "Yeah, yeah, they're my buddies." "I had them sign them for good luck." "You know somebody named Appomattox Court House?" "Yeah." "A black guy, captain of the basketball team." "Karate." "I just kicked over a brick wall." "The one thing I know is that I don't know this." "Bone, my man, you worry too much." "Well, at least I'll have you for company in summer school." "No, not this time." "I got this thing aced." "You mean to tell me you actually studied this stuff?" "Boner, Boner, Boner." "So young, so naive." "You've got cheat notes." "Eddie, he's got..." "Come on, you say that too loud and people are gonna get the wrong idea." "Where are they?" "Look, I don't know what you guys are talking about." "Here, search me." "Here you go, full-body strip search." "No, thanks." "Teacher!" "Teacher!" "All right, people." "I trust you're all sufficiently frightened." "If not, you should be." "'Cause this test will count for a quarter of your total grade." "A quarter!" "Only yesterday he said 25º/% ." "This is multiple choice." "You have 30 minutes, and your papers will be graded before you leave." "You may begin." ""The final northern battle of the Civil War was, A:" "Battle of Bull Run..." ""B:" "Battle of Gettysburg, or C:" "Battle of the Network Stars. "" "Gettysburg." "Hey, I actually know this stuff!" "Now, some of your test results did surprise me." "For instance, it was interesting to learn from Mr. Stabone... that General Grant's first name was Lou." "I can't look, I can't look." "I've gotta look." "67!" "All right!" "In what is perhaps the biggest shock in my teaching career... since boys started wearing earrings... the highest grade in the class, a 94... was earned by..." "Mike Seaver." "I am number one!" " Number one!" " Number one!" "Mr. Seaver, before we schedule a press conference..." "I have to ask... how does a student whose very name has become synonymous... with the phrase "D minus", manage such a grade?" "What can I say, Mr. Dewitt?" "When you got it, you got it." "And now I see where you got it." "Are you actually calling me a cheater?" "Mr. Seaver, don't try to fool Willy Dewitt." "The shoes." "Now." "Mr. Dewitt..." "Have your parent, guardian, or parole officer call for an appointment." "The sooner the better." "He beat you?" "No, he just took my shoes." " Oh, that stinks, Mike." " Yeah, real bad, too." "What really bothers me is that this guy thinks I cheated." "Boy, hard to imagine!" "I mean, he wouldn't even take my word that I didn't." "Seaver, you really are good." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, I mean, here you are facing suspension and an F in history... and you're cool enough to play it innocent." "Look, I am innocent!" "And outrage, too." "Outrage is tough." "I can only work up to a small frenzy myself." "Look, I did not cheat!" "No, and you didn't look at the answers on your shoes even once." "Look, I'm not kidding around!" "You know, maybe he's got the room bugged." "Of course, Mike, you would never cheat." "Look, I did not cheat, and I'm tired of you guys saying that I did!" "You got it?" "Five nights this week... the story that had all America reading, will have all America watching." "At 18, she was a nun." "At 21, an acrobat." "At 37, the mistress of a president." "Joan Collins is..." "Old." " Hi, Mike." " Hi." "What's the matter?" "How do you know something's the matter?" "Because you didn't say, "Hi, Fido," "Hi, Skunk-breath," or "Hi, Nerd-face."" "So, what is it?" "Carol, I'm living a nightmare." "I mean, nobody believes me." "Not Boner, not Eddie, not Cheech, not Murray." "What are you talking about?" "Mr. Dewitt accused me of cheating on my history exam." "You passed!" "Yeah, I passed." "In fact, I got the highest grade in the class." "94." "Oh, oh, is this your way of saying you don't believe me either?" " Stop!" " Oh, oh, fine." "Don't believe me, Skunk-breath!" "Fido!" "Nerd-face!" "Mom!" "Dad!" "How great to see you!" " Hey." " Is he talking to us?" "I mean, just knowing that I can count on you guys makes me feel happy." "Oh, the giddiness is completely mutual, Mike." "Hey, you're welcome." " Do you have a fever?" " Mom." "Say, Maggie, you don't suppose this has anything to do... with his recent history test, do you?" "You know, I'm darn glad you brought that up, Dad." "I'd better sit down." "What happened?" "Well, there's not too much to be said about the test itself." "Say it anyway." "I passed." " Completely?" " Yeah." " Hey, all right, Mike." " Congratulations." "I knew that that little extra studying would pay off." "Thanks." "But I do have some bad news... and I think you better sit down for this, Dad." "Just say what it is, Mike." "I have a feeling you should sit." "Now what I'm about to tell you is going to get both of you quite angry... and you will be outraged at the shoddy treatment..." "I have received from Mr. Dewitt." "But I want your word that you're not gonna go off half-cocked... trying to get this guy fired or something." "I promise to be fully-cocked, Mike." "Now, Mr. Dewitt accused me... of cheating." " Now just calm down!" " I'm in control." "I did not cheat!" "Now why would Mr. Dewitt think that?" "You know, I have been asking myself that same question all afternoon." "Well, what'd you come up with, Mike?" "I don't know." "I guess he didn't expect me to do that well on the test." "Well?" "You did well?" "He did well." "How well?" "I rarely pay attention to the grades." " What'd you get?" "70?" " 75?" " Well..." " 80?" " See..." " 85?" " Actually..." " 90?" " Four." " 94!" "Why, Michael Seaver, I'm ashamed of you!" " How could you cheat?" " I did not cheat." "Is this 94 out of 100?" "I swear to you I did not cheat." "Dad, I give you my word of honor." "Well, I believe you." " Really?" " Really?" "Well, if our son gives us his word, we've gotta believe him." "You're right." "I believe you, Mike." "Well, thanks." "I knew I could count on you guys." "I am sorry for every miserable thing I've ever done to make your world a living hell." "And I'm sorry I doubted you, Mike... but it's a tough story to believe if you put yourself in my shoes." "Mom's shoes aren't big enough for all the answers." "All right, the shoes." "Thanks, Benny." "I forgot to tell you guys the funniest part." "You guys are gonna love this." "Mike?" " Benedict Arnold." " No, Ben Seaver." "Get away." "Want some dinner?" "No, I am no longer eating the food... that has been paid for by the people who think I'm a liar." "Then what are those?" "Okay, so I'm easing into it." "What do you want anyway?" "Mike, I didn't mean to get you in such big trouble." "It's okay." "I knew the shoes would be too much for them." "It's been like that all day." "Everybody at school, even Boner." "I mean, last year I actually convinced the man I was an alien." "Ben, people are acting like they expect me to cheat." "Like I'm that kind of low scuzzball." "I believe you." "What?" "Whatever you say I believe it, whether it's the truth or not." "Well, I'll tell you something weird." "That moment when Mom and Dad believed me... everything was okay." "My God!" "I actually care what they think about me." "I care what they think about me." "Well, you're nine." "That's okay to feel that way at nine." "But I'm 15." "I'm supposed to think my parents are scum." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, everybody knows that." "It's on TV all the time." "I believe you." "There you are." "You're gonna freeze out here." "No, I've got my anger to keep me warm." "Could you share some with me?" "Jason, I have something to tell you." "Now I didn't want to tell you, but since you're feeling betrayed by Mike..." "I figure you'd need some good news." "You're not really Mike's father." "Well, you know what I've been thinking?" "That when Mike looked you in the eye and lied... it made you question your whole approach to teaching our kids... the value of truth and honesty." "And you're wondering if instead of encouraging them by example... a little fear of punishment might have been even more effective." "And you're probably remembering the time when Mike was eight... and he lied about finger-painting the new rug, and I wanted to spank him... but you convinced me that reasoning with him was better." "How do you do that?" "Oh, it's not all that amazing." "I bet you know what I'm thinking right now." "You're probably thinking that no matter how disappointed we both are in Mike... that we love him dearly." "And that we'll do our best to mold him into an honest man." "And that even if we fail, he can always have a productive life in politics." "Mike, Mr. Dewitt will go a lot easier on you, if you just admit what you did." " I don't care." " Well, we do." "Couldn't you at least pretend that you care what we think?" "Sure, but nobody'll believe me." " But why should anyone?" " Because I didn't cheat." "Forget it." "It doesn't matter." "Well, should we have believed you back in the seventh grade... when you tried to tell us that the D on your report card stood for "darn good"?" "And what about in the eighth grade when you told the school... your name was Seaverman so you could take the Jewish holidays off?" " And, Mike, just this week..." " Okay, okay." "All right, sometimes..." "I lie." "But there's a big difference between being a liar and being a liar." "I mean, you guys should know when I'm telling the truth." "What kind of parents are you anyway?" "Disappointed." "You wanna know the truth?" "Okay, I'll tell you the truth." "Yeah, I was going to cheat." "I figured it was the only way." "So I was up half the night copying all that stuff onto my shoes... 'cause I had to pass the test." "But somehow it didn't just go on my shoes." "It got in my head, too." "It sure blew me away." "But when it came time to look for the answers, I didn't have to." "I knew them." "Well, I'd like to believe you, Mike." "Yeah." "You have to admit you're not exactly the kind of guy who has a reputation... for knowing things like Abraham Lincoln was the 17th President." "Yeah, he was the 16th President, Dad." " Yes, Grant was 17th." " No, Grant was the 18th." "See, Johnson was 17th." "He became President after Lincoln was assassinated on April 14, 1865." "Dr. And Mrs. Seaver, I'm Willis Dewitt." "Glad you could come." "Why don't we get right down to business?" "Absolutely." "Mike did not cheat on this examination, Mr. Dewitt... and it's important that we clear that up." "And it would have been so easy for him to do... what with all the answers written on the bottom of his shoes." "I want to thank you, Mr. Dewitt, for letting Mike take this make-up test." "No problem." "I think he's learned now that intending to cheat was just as bad as cheating itself." "That's what my ex-wife said in court." "He's trying to take a test." "What's on tonight?" "It's the second night of that Joan Collins mini-series." "That might be interesting." "Tonight Joan leaves the Pope to marry a bricklayer." "Mike'll be sorry he's missing that one." "Where is Mike anyway?" "I haven't seen him all evening." "Well, he's upstairs studying for his French test tomorrow." "You know, I really think we got through to him this time." "English"