"The Emperor's coming." "The Emperor!" ""They called him Lazy-Bones"." "Cut!" "I'm so sorry!" "Who's that idiot?" "It's me." "Who let him in?" "Scram!" "Throw him out!" "I apologize." "I didn't know there was anyone here." "What a scoundrel!" "He's a mad man!" "You've ruined the scene!" "What are you doing here?" "They told me you were looking for extras for a film about Napoleon." "Here I am." "There's no need to get hot under the collar." "What's Napoleon got to do with it?" "We're shooting a film about Nero." "Napoleon is studio 3." "Who's in charge of the extras?" "The crew chief Melliconi." "Then call Melliconi." "Where do you think you're going?" "I'm leaving." "I can't stay here." "The way out is over there." "I'm sorry." "I'm new here." "Where is this guy Melliconi?" "There he is." "What's up, boss?" "I was just having a cup of coffee." "This is one of your extras." "After ruining my scene he had..." "the audacity to answer me back." "I'll remove him right away." "Are you nuts coming in here disturbing the director?" "Hands off!" "Be more respectful, for goodness' sake." "You don't realize who you're talking to." "I'm a great actor." "It's wrong to take advantage of the crisis the theater's going through." "My shows are always hits: at the Scala in Milan, in London..." "Who cares?" "Excuse me, sir." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Hail!" "A fine time to turn up." "What's he saying?" "No-one called him." "OK, guys." "Let's get on with it." "Back to your places!" "Your watch!" "The ancient Romans didn't wear watches." "Who needs these busbies?" "We do." "Are you ready?" "The director is here." "He'll take it out on me." "What do you want?" "A job." "I should throw you out after the trouble you caused me, but I'm kind-hearted and I forgive you." "Dress him." "This is great!" "I'm a corporal." "I'm a corporal too!" "Mr. Melliconi, look at this!" "We're making a film and you look lost in that." "Give him another one." "What a pity." "It's too tight!" "Mr. Melliconi!" "What's the matter?" "It's too tight." "He's right." "Give him another one." "This one's worse." "Mr. Melliconi!" "Have you taken me for your servant?" "What do you want?" "It's too tight." "Give him another one." "What am I to do?" "It's too tight." "He's right." "Give him another one." "This one's fine!" "Mr. Melliconi!" "You're driving me nuts this morning." "What do you want?" "How do I look?" "It's the one you tried on before." "But it was too big for you." "I've just had a meal." "This has to come off." "No good complaining." "We're here to work." "Do you want to work or not?" "And keep out of my hair!" "Come on, guys!" "Wait here." "We'll be going into the studio shortly." "No wandering off!" "You're not suitable." "Bertolazzi sent me here." "Who cares?" "You all have to be the same height." "We're making a film, you know." "But I need the work." "What's your name?" "Elvezia." "Do you want to work in movies?" "Naturally!" "Do you know where my office is?" "Yes, I do." "Wait for me there." "Very well." "I'll report him to the union." "What's happened?" "That slave-driver Melliconi fired me because I'm too short." "You're shorter than the others?" "Correct!" "Fall in like soldiers and keep quiet." "Making a movie's easy." "You just need to have the knack." "We'll make our little Elvezia a big star." "Good for you!" "What's your name?" "Cinzia." "Here's the measuring gauge." "We'll have a coffee later." "Fine by me!" "Here we are!" "I like everything organized and well prepared." "That's the secret!" "I said you all had to be the same height  and that's how it's to be." "You're on the tall side, aren't you?" "Listen up guys, we're going into the studio now." "Nobody's to move from there until the break." "Otherwise, I'll fire you all this evening." "Is that clear?" "I'll start with you." "Follow me." "Into the studio!" "Left, right!" "Left, right!" "Keep moving!" "Left, right!" "Left, right!" "The Emperor!" "Hail!" "What are you doing, you idiot?" "It's the same trouble maker as before." "Get him out of my sight." "Call Melliconi immediately!" "Melliconi!" "Melliconi!" "What's up?" "I was getting coffee." "Get this half-wit out of here." "Where on earth did you find him?" "Look what he's done." "What am I supposed to do with him?" "Do you have it in for me?" "Are you trying to ruin me?" "I'll fire you and ban you from studios all over Italy." "Anyone can make a mistake!" "I'll have you arrested." "Call the guards." "I'll kill you!" "Down with the army!" "Boy, do I feel dizzy!" "His reflexes are reversed." "Who's there?" "It's me." "Can't you see it's me?" "Yes." "Sorry, I was distracted." "I feel dizzy." "Now, be frank with me." "No-one can hear us." "Tell me, are you crazy?" "No, Doctor." "No, no!" "I'm not crazy." "May I?" "Come in." "What do you want?" "The film studio sent over this man's clothes." "Put them over there." "Doctor, the chief wants you to go to room 19 for that examination." "I can't go now." "I'm busy." "Very well, Doctor." "I'll tell him." "Doctor, with that nurse around, I do feel crazy." "Don't make me laugh." "I know perfectly well you're not crazy." "Then why don't you let me go?" "I have to ask you some questions first." "Sit down there." "Why did you attack that poor man..." "who'd done nothing to you?" "That's what you think." "Doctor, I must tell you that the corporal has always harassed me." "The corporal?" "Why?" "Was he your corporal in the army?" "No." "Then why do you call him corporal?" "Because he has a corporal's face." "A corporal's face?" "Right." "Let me explain." "I split mankind into two categories: men and corporals." "Men are in the majority, while corporals are, luckily, a minority." "Men are the creatures forced to work like dogs all their lives, never seeing a ray of sunshine or enjoying the least satisfaction, always in the gray shadows of a wretched existence." "The corporals are the ones who exploit and oppress, who mistreat and humiliate others." "These beings obsessed with their craving for money always manage to stay afloat, inevitably in a position of power, often without the necessary authority, ability or intelligence, but thanks only to their bare-faced cheek and arrogance," "always ready to bully the poor workers." "Do you see, Doctor?" "Men are born corporals, they don't become one." "Whatever class they belong to or country they come from, they all have the same face, the same expressions, the same manner and all think in the same way." "Your definition is correct!" "I'd never thought about it." "So, tell me Doctor, am I crazy?" "Crazy?" "If you were any saner, you'd risk going mad!" "Is it this?" "Hello?" "It's for you." "Thanks." "Yes?" "What?" "No, I'm sorry." "I'm handling a very interesting case." "I can't be in two places at the same time." "Very well." "As you wish." "Yes, sir." "I'll be right over." "Dreadful man!" "He's been tormenting me for years." "Really?" "Who is he?" "The manager of the clinic." "He reprimand me saying I was wasting time here talking with you." "You see, Doctor, you too have a corporal above you." "You're absolute right!" "Damned corporals!" "You can go." "Do have a seat!" "What you were telling me  is very interesting." "Do continue, please." "My personal odyssey started to worsen during the war." "We had the Germans here but nothing to eat." "In front of the few stores open, people stood in line." "Four!" "Four at a time." "How many times do I have to repeat it?" "Excuse me, look at that little black dot up there." "Where I'm pointing." "Can you see it?" "A little black dot?" "Isn't it an airplane?" "I can't see anything." "Excuse me." "But of course!" "Look where I'm pointing." "I can't see anything." "I was sure I'd seen it." "Where?" "I don't know." "He said up there." "Excuse me." "Look at that little black dot up there." "Is it an airplane?" "Where?" "Up there." "Can you see that little dot?" "No, I can't see anything." "Can you see it?" "No, I can't see anything." "I was sure I'd seen it." "I can't see it." "Excuse me." "Can you see that tiny black dot up there?" "No." "Is it an airplane?" "You can't see it." "Excuse me." "But of course!" "Look, that tiny dot up there." "I can't see anything." "It's just gone behind a cloud." "It's odd." "I was sure I'd seen it." "Listen, pal, you were behind me." "You were where I am now." "There's no need to shout." "What's going on here?" "Four at a time." "Only four at a time." "No sneaking in!" "He jumped the queue." "Who does he think he is?" "Quiet!" "I'm here to keep order." "What's needed here is more discipline." "Today, someone's going to end up in jail." "I feel it in my bones." "Silence!" "There's a war on." "The enemy is all ears!" "You see?" "Ten liras." "Ten liras?" "People stand in line for two hours." "I took five minutes." "It's what I always pay you." "I risked ending up in jail." "Here's an extra five liras." "It's very little." "Excuse me." "You gave me a fright." "Are you the queue-jumper?" "Who told you about me?" "A friend of mine." "Is she trustworthy?" "Highly trustworthy." "One must be careful." "I know what I'm risking." "I won't make it in time to get oil." "Would you get it for me?" "Yes." "Count on me." "But won't it take ages?" "The line is very long." "In peace time, I'm an actor and I have my methods, my ruses." "Hold this for me, please." "Hail!" "Hail to you!" "He's coming!" "Well done." "Here you are." "Who's this?" "A friend of mine." "Is she trustworthy?" "Highly trustworthy." "Goodbye." "Now..." "Did you see that?" "He's the same Fascist as before." "I think it is." "BLIND SINCE BEFORE THE WAR" "OFFICERS' PROVISIONS STORE" "WOMEN'S SECTION" " NO ENTRY" "TRESPASSERS WILL BE PUT TO DEATH" "Don't start yet." "I'm hungry." "Hide it with the other stuff." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Is that you, Sonia?" "Yes, it's me." "Did you get the stuff?" "Yes, honey." "Thank you." "But I'm afraid you'll get into big trouble." "Why?" "Because of the stuff you send me." "If they catch you" "Don't worry." "Nothing will happen to me." "Anyhow, I'm willing to face any kind of danger for you." "What?" "I'd face any danger for you." "Would you please keep quiet." "I haven't slept for two months." "What's happening there?" "Someone's trying to get to sleep." "You're reckless." "All things considered, what am I to you?" "I'm just a fellow prisoners you met through the fence." "What does that mean, Sonia dear?" "Thank to this telephone of sorts," "I've grown very fond of you." "I've grown very fond of you, too." "I'm alone in the world, you know." "No, you're not alone anymore." "You have me." "I too am alone in the world." "Listen, when we've been freed, if we're ever freed, you'll be coming to Rome with me." "I'll take you to my home." "It's no palace, but it's a nice little house and comfortable too." "It has a wonderful view." "If only you could see it!" "Will you come?" "Yes, if that's what you want." "I most certainly do." "I have to go now." "I can hear German footsteps." "'Bye." "Good night." "Good night." "Perhaps there are a few of you who still don't know who I am." "You'll certainly have heard my name mentioned." "I'm Colonel Hammler." "The mere mention of my name, in every Nazi concentration camp, sends a shiver down people's spines" "Unprecedented events have taken place here." "One of you, fortunately for him as yet unidentified, has had the temerity to steal provisions intended for our troops." "I warn you that from now on, in this camp, conditions will be harsher and more severe." "If any one of you dares to break the rules again, he will get to know, the hard way, the unyielding Colonel Hammler's methods." "If, within 15 seconds, the person guilty of this serious affront to the German troops" "does not come forward, one hundred of you will be shot." "One, two, three, four, five, six," "seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen..." "Shoot him!" "The chief medical officer needs this man." "I was given orders to shoot him!" "Stop!" "Eh, no!" "We're wasting time, here!" "Hand over the prisoner." "We need him for an atomic experiment that will make our army faster and stronger for the glory of the Third Reich!" "Hail Hitler!" "What a fright!" "But this man must die!" "Don't worry." "No trace of him will be left." "Stand up!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Come with us, Italian." "Thank you, Colonel." "Thanks!" "You've saved my life." "To think they say you're cruel!" "How appearances can be deceiving!" "Colonel, should you ever come to Rome, this is my address." "Come and see me." "I'll put you up." "You too!" "You too!" "We'll tuck into a nice plate of "spaghetti all'amatriciana"." "Fantastic!" "Wonderful!" "As you see, the atomic charge attacks the patient's brain, causing an uncontrollable jerking of the limbs, especially the lower ones." "On receiving this treatment, our glorious army will race for victory at 80 kilometers per hour!" "Now the whole world is at our feet!" "How long does the charge last?" "Exactly 2 hours 36 minutes and 58 seconds." "All the time we need to win the war!" "Excuse me, Colonel" "Will it take long to charge up our armies?" "No." "We just need to have a few living accumulators, because the charge is spread by simple skin to skin contact." "Stop it!" "Yes, sir." "He's charged up now." "The patient must remain isolated for 2 hours 36 minutes 58 seconds, otherwise the atomic charge could spread around the camp." "Did you understand any of that?" "Not a word." "It's too complicated for me." "Neither did I. May as well enjoy a cigarette to kill time." "Listen, pal" "So, taking advantage of the atomic charge spreading around the camp," "I raced Sonia and we escaped together." "We ran across fields and faced all kinds of difficulties." "We used various means of transport and after all these contretemps..." "Contretemps?" "Yes, contretemps, we reached Rome just as it was being liberated by the Allies." "Hurrah!" "The house is nothing special." "I chose it for the view, which you'll see in just a moment." "Look at that!" "It's absolutely wonderful!" "What did I tell you?" "Sure, it's not a palace, but with the current housing shortage this is better than a palace." "It's a super-palace!" "The best thing about this house is that the rent is blocked." "What does it mean?" "You don't know?" "It means that the landlord can't raise the rent." "How much do you pay?" "Nothing!" "The rent is blocked!" "The word "blocked" says it all." "The nice thing about these houses is they're so comfortable." "They're a bit like a Swiss chalet." "Have you ever seen a chalet?" "They're not too big." "They're cozy." "There's no stairway or elevator." "Even if it's a small building, it's good and strong." "Are you hurt?" "It hit me right on the crown of my head." "I'll get over it." "Another knock like that and I'll come down with meningitis." "My poor brain!" "Let's hope for the best." "Now, to continue, this is the pantry next to the kitchen." "The stove works with wood and coal, whichever you like." "Here, we have a set of saucepans." "This chest acts as a storeroom." "You can put all kinds of things in it." "Here we have some wine flasks." "Now, this curtain is really handy." "When you're in bed or undressed and don't want to be seen, just draw the curtain and no-one will see you." "The only unpleasant thing in this abode is this washstand." "But an antique dealer told me it's an antique: it's a Louis." "I don't remember which one." "But an important one, naturally." "The basin isn't antique." "It's a reproduction." "You can tell." "This is for good luck." "Better safe than sorry!" "Do you like this?" "A friend of mine, who's an expert, told me it's a Dutch sideboard." "I bought it at a market in Rome." "You can find good bargains there." "The bed's a little narrow, but it's soft and comfortable." "The mattress is made of wool." "What the hell?" "The house's been empty for a year." "Don't worry, dear." "You'll see." "I'll put everything in order." "I'll be a good housewife." "I'm sure you will." "This is my old guitar." "Can you play it?" "Sure!" "I play the guitar and sing." "Well, I used to sing." "Now, I don't any more." "My voice isn't too good." "I write songs and while I was a prisoners, I made one up for you." "For me?" "I didn't want to tell you, but" "Let's hear it!" "No, I wouldn't sing it well." "Play it for me." "I've lost my voice." "Do you really want to hear it?" "Yes." "You won't hit me afterwards?" "Sit there." "This illiterate heart" "You took it to school" "Where it learned to write" "And it learned to read" "Just one word" ""Love" and nothing else" "You're my love" "Beloved woman" "You're the passion" "That brings warmth to this life" "When I kiss your velvet lips" "The velvet caresses my heart" "This heart" "That you took to school" "Where it learned to write" "And it learned to read" ""Love" and nothing else" "So?" "It's a beautiful song." "Do you like it?" "Did you really write it for me?" "Of course I wrote it for you." "For who else would I write it?" "It sounds like it's written for a sweetheart." "Right!" "Odd, isn't it?" "It's sound like it's written for a sweetheart." "Well, it's time to turn in." "All right, but" "You've misunderstood." "You'll sleep in my bed and I'll go to an old friend's place." "He has a shed he can put me up in." "I'll be just fine, you'll see." "What a beautiful evening!" "Get to bed, now." "'Bye!" "Good night." "I felt heartened and full of courage and over the next few days, I desperately looked for a job." "I knocked on every door and finally, one morning" "Mr. Esposito?" "Mr." "Totò Esposito?" "Who is it?" "What's up?" "What's happened?" "There's an express letter for you." "That's me." "Where do you live?" "I live here." "But I saw you coming out of that." "The more I learn about Man, The more I love animals." "Is this express letter for me?" "Wait!" "You want a tip, right?" "It's only natural." "One hand washes the other and both wash the face." "If we don't help each other, who's going to help us?" "Where did I put it?" "I left my check book indoors." "Some other time." "Happy Easter and Happy Holidays!" "I feel so nervous!" "No!" "This way up!" "That's right." "Sonia!" "Sonia!" "What's up?" "We've made it!" "The Americans have written." "We'll be working in theater:" ""Totò  Sonia, a double act"." "But I can't do anything." "Don't worry." "I'll teach you!" "You'll sing and dance." "You'll do just great!" "Silence!" "Mr. Black is working and doesn't want to be disturbed." "Otherwise he'll lose his temper and kick you all out." "Listen, chum" "Without a letter hiring you, no job, no work!" "But Sergeant, a performer like me doesn't need that kind of letter." "My voice is enough to open all doors." "Shut up!" "I told you to remain silent." "Mr. Black is very tetchy." "Shut up!" "Here." "Talk to the American soldier." "You can talk to Captain Black." "Give me the letter." "Excuse me, do you speak English?" "Of course!" "He's American." "We received this letter saying... we'd be hired by this theater to entertain the troops." "Do you understand?" "It's not so hard to speak American!" "Yes." "I don't understand." "Take a sit!" "Talk American, son!" "Are you performers too?" "Yes." "Are you dancers?" "No, we're a double act." "That's a relief because my daughter's a solo dancer." "She does ballet, modern dance-- Stand up and show him your legs." "There's no need, really." "I want you to see her legs." "Maybe another time." "Mimì!" "So?" "Not bad!" "With those legs, we've been waiting here for an hour." "You need to be patient." "See?" "With these legs I'm waiting too." "You and you, nothing doing!" "Goodbye." "You wait with your daughter." "We've been waiting for an hour." "Continue to wait." "Try showing him Mimì's legs." "What would he understand?" "Sure!" "He's a low ranking soldier." "Goodbye, madam." "Queue jumpers with connections!" "My dear lady, we were better off when we were worse off." "Thank you." "I speak Italian." "I understand" "I see you all understand" "Be quiet!" "What's your name?" "Tell him." "A whisky for little Sonia!" "He's very kind!" "Actually, we sing duets." "You keep quiet." "Do you know our lovely American songs?" ""Stardust"." "Sorry!" "You be quiet." "Do you know "Jingle Bells"?" "A contract for our little Sonia." "Yes, a contract for Sonia." "Who told you to sit here?" "You did." "I said Sonia!" "Sign here, Sonia." "Sign the contract." "I'm so glad little Sonia will have a part in our show." "Don't steal the pen!" ""Don't steal the pen!"" "The American soldiers will love your looks." "Go and try on your costumes straight away." "I want to come and see you." "I want to see our little Sonia rehearsing." "I'll come to applaud you in the theater, little Sonia." "Who are you looking for?" "My partner, Sonia." "Get out!" "Scram!" "Go home!" "Powder puff!" "Why are you shaking?" "I'm so scared, Totò." ""I'm so scared"." "That's the last thing you should be because you're very talented." "Look at me." "Don't you see how calm I am?" "You're a performer so you're used to facing an audience." "An audience!" "A handful of soldiers who just want to have fun." "Everything will go fine." "They're easily pleased." "Besides, you know the duet I taught you." "It's easy." "You say it's easy." "You learned it in no time." "Come on!" "Cheer up!" "You just need a little confidence, right?" "Mr." "Black, please forgive me." "Why did you spit?" "I was gargling." "Who are you?" "The tenor." "The tenor?" "Correct." "No tenors!" "No tenors!" "There's always been a tenor." "No tenors!" "Get out!" "But I have a contract." "The contract's cancelled!" ""The contract's cancelled"?" "You can't come in." "I'm undressed." "Who is it?" "Mr." "Black." "Oh, do come in." "It's a waste of time." "There's no work for decent girls here." "I've been trying for a month to get my daughter hired." "She's a solo dancer." "She does both ballet and modern." "Mimì, come here." "Show the janitor your legs." "Madam, what's the use of showing me?" "I'm on duty." "It's nearly time for you to go on." "Oh, excuse me, Mr. Black." "Who are you?" "Who told you to come in?" "Come on!" "Get out of here!" "Scram!" "Get out of here!" "Hurry!" "This sweet little girl will be a big hit." "Be quiet!" "Do you like it?" "I'll show you the way." "She looks nice. "Be quiet!"" "Hey, handsome little guy!" "Handsome, I'm talking to you." "To me?" "Forgive me." "I was lost in thought." "What did you want?" "Do you know who I am?" "Well, actually" "I'm a "gigolette"." "Really?" "I'm a stranger here." "I'm very pleased to meet you." "I like men who are rough, boorish and strong." "Fine!" "Give me a slap." "Who?" "Me!" "Give me a slap." "Are you crazy?" "I'm supposed to slap a person I don't even know?" "Give me a hard slap." "I wouldn't dream of it." "Just one slap." "But I'd never hit a lady." "Give me a slap." "Just one." "I'll end up in jail for this." "Do you really want it?" "Yes." "Take that!" "That's the way I like men, strong and violent." "Threaten me!" "Hit me!" "I'll make your face swell up." "I'll give you a punch in the head." "I'll smash your head in!" "Good!" "Great!" "I'll tear you to pieces..." "... and stamp on you, like this." "Fantastic!" "Threaten me!" "Threaten me!" "Like this?" "Take off your blouse!" "My blouse?" "No, no!" "Take off your blouse!" "My blouse?" "No, no!" "If you don't take it off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "If you don't take it off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "Take off your skirt." "My skirt?" "No, no!" "Little girl, take off your skirt." "My skirt?" "No, no!" "If you don't take it off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "If you don't take it off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "Take off your petticoat." "My petticoat?" "No, no!" "Take off your petticoat." "My petticoat?" "No, no!" "If you don't take it off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "If you don't take it off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "What do you want to do now?" "I want to admire you, from head to toe." "I want to admire you, from head to toe." "Take off your panties!" "I'm doing this for you." "I couldn't care less!" "Take off your jacket." "My jacket, young lady?" "No, no!" "Take off your jacket." "My jacket?" "No, no!" "If you don't take it off, I'll kill you!" "If you don't take it off, I'll kill you." "Take off your pants." "My pants?" "No, no!" "Take off your pants." "I've holes in my underpants." "If you don't take them off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "If you don't take them off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "Take off your shirt." "My shirt?" "No, no!" "Take off your shirt." "My shirt?" "No, no!" "If you don't take it off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "If you don't take it off, I'll shoot you on the spot!" "I've taken off my shirt." "What do you want to do, my love?" "I've taken off my shirt." "What do you want to do, my love?" "I want to admire you from head to toe." "I want to admire you from head to toe." "What did I tell you?" "See what a hit we were?" "We were?" "Are you deaf?" "Didn't you hear the applause?" "Yes, but also some whistles." "When Americans like an act, they whistle." "Different nations, different habits!" "Mr." "Black wants to see you." "Coming!" "Not you." "The young lady." "Now I understand." "Please forgive her." "She's a little agitated." "It's her debut." "He says that Mr. Black wants to see just you." "It's not hard to speak American." "Did you send for me?" "But I should really get dressed." "Never!" "Never get dressed!" "No, I have to go, now." "It's late." "We have to celebrate." "A drink to celebrate your great success." "No, thanks." "Not for me." "Sonia, baby, show me!" "No, I can't!" "You're not being kind!" "Let me go or I'll call someone!" "Who do you want to call?" "I'll call someone!" "What's happening in here?" "What's going on?" "What's the matter?" "Who let you in?" "Get out!" "Sure!" "I'm leaving," "and I'm taking Sonia with me." "Don't get angry." "I understand perfectly." "You want to make a deal." "That's fine." "What have you taken us for?" "It's true that we're poor, but that doesn't authorize you... to show us no respect." "Shame on you!" "That's enough!" "Go on!" "Hit us!" "You can have us beaten up." "You can have us arrested." "You can do what you like!" "You're the one giving the orders here." "But whatever you do, you'll still be a real swine!" "I don't understand anything, but you're a fool." "Get out!" "It's true." "I'm a fool." "Come in!" "Did you send for me, Mr. Black?" "Years rolled by and our story... got mixed up with so many others'." "The country was rebuilt and signs of war gradually disappeared." "For many, it was just getting back to normal." "For me, they were difficult years." "Sonia was by my side during long periods of despair, anxiety and dashed hopes." "Then came along the period of scandals and scoops in the papers." "Hello, is that the editor?" "This is Gabriella." "We've found the ideal person." "Yes, he's waiting outside." "He lives in a shack very close to the crime scene." "Who's the owner of the building where the victim lived?" "It's me." "Come this way." "Are you a journalist, too?" "No, I'm an eye witness." "An eye witness?" "Good for you!" "Actually, I didn't see anything, but they call me that." "Well, the article is almost ready." "Very well." "As soon as it's all typed, I'll come up with our man." "Cavaliere, they're publishing her statement and her photo too." "Your photo too!" "Good!" "Congratulations!" "I'm so pleased for you, dear." "Imagine!" "My photo in a magazine!" "Maybe this affair will get me a part in a film." "Send it off right away." "Very well, Miss." "This girl will make it big in the movies." "She sure will!" "Goodbye." "You made me jump!" "Don't worry!" "My colleague is dumb." "Really?" "A dumb journalist?" "How unusual!" "Look after your health!" "Let's go and talk to the editor." "But first, a nice photo!" "Come on, Geppetti!" "Be quick!" "Are you ready?" "Like this?" "Smile!" "Thanks." "How much?" "Come in." "This is the gentleman I spoke to you about on the phone." "Mr." "Totò Esposito." "I'm so very pleased to meet you." "Likewise!" "Have a seat." "This is his statement." "Not there!" "Sorry, I'd no idea." "Forgive me." "Not there!" "In the armchair." "You'll be more comfortable." "After you." "No, after you!" "As you prefer." "Fine by me!" "I can't have you standing up." "We can't keep bopping up and down." "Let's fix an appointment seated." "What a witty guy!" "Would you like something to drink?" "Tea?" "A cocktail?" "A brandy?" "No, thank you." "I don't drink." "A cigarette?" "No, thanks." "I don't smoke." "Are you a wise man?" "Excuse me?" "I asked if you're a wise man." "No, I'm Neapolitan." "What a witty guy!" "We Neapolitans live on our wits." "So, you live close to the scene of the famous crime." "What a coincidence!" "Close to the scene of the famous crime." "A lovely spot with a magnificent view." "Yes, the view's fantastic." "Right." "So, on the famous night of March 12th you saw a black car drive by." "Actually, I already told the young lady" "What?" "You didn't see a black car drive by?" "No." "Mr." "Esposito, do you realize the seriousness of what you said?" "You're disrupting our investigation." "You're stating that no black car drove by that night?" "No, I'm not saying that." "So, you saw it drive by." "I'm not saying it didn't drive by," "just that I didn't see it." "Maybe you don't remember." "But that's normal." "It's always like that." "It was some time ago." "This happens to all witnesses." "They get a little confused." "But little by little, their memory gets clearer." "Mr. Esposito will tell us he saw a black car drive by." "In so doing, he'll help us get to the truth and justice." "I can't make such a statement." "You can't state it?" "No." "You've never seen a black car in all your life?" "Come on, admit it." "Sure, I've seen lots of them." "See?" "You saw the black car drive by and heard a cry for help." "Help?" "What help?" "Where?" "How?" "When?" "You didn't hear a cry for help?" "No." "You've never heard a cry for help in all your life?" "Come on, admit it." "I must have heard one, some time." "See?" "You heard a cry for help, rushed over and saw the body." "The body?" "What body?" "You mean you didn't see the body?" "What body?" "You're so funny!" "So funny!" "Mr. Esposito would have us believe he's never seen a body in his life." "Come on, admit it." "I've seen a body once or twice." "You saw a body!" "Come, dear Mr. Esposito!" "Let's sum the matter up." "You saw a black car drive by, heard a cry for help and saw the body." "Here's your statement." "Please sign it." "This is my statement?" "Correct." "It says what you've just told us." "This is as long as a novel." "Maybe it is a bit long, but" "In order to publish it, we had to beef it up here and there." "I could have you read it but time is short, isn't it?" "We must get it printed." "Just sign it here." "This is for you, to cover your time and expenses." "Just sign here." "I don't understand why" "Just put a little signature." "Little?" "Very little." "You see how easy it was?" "Very easy!" "For you." "If you don't mind, I'd like you to wait in that little room." "I'll come you and call you in a few minutes." "Then, I'll give you my undivided attention." "Come in." "Gentlemen, our man has signed his statement." "Arrange for him to be put up in a luxury hotel and undergo a complete make-over." "We must turn him into the man of the moment, creating an air... of mystery around him." "Keep a close eye on him." "No one's to approach him until his statement is published." "Someone could open his eyes." "As far as public opinion is concerned, the man of the century has just been born." "Come in." "Are you ready, dear?" "Look!" "Do you like this gown?" "Yes, it's a nice little frock." "How are you getting on in this room?" "What a silly question!" "Fine!" "It's a wonderful room." "Let's not be too complimentary." "There are much better ones." "Everything is lovely here." "It's like a dream." "What's going on?" "You still haven't told me how and why we came here." "I'll tell you later." "Hurry, now." "We're going downstairs." "I've had a table reserved just for the two of us." "Let's go." "I told you!" "That crime!" "The man of the century has spoken." "Who's the man of the century?" "This man here, the eye witness." "Waiter, please bring me a copy of that magazine." "Buttons!" "Go and buy me a copy of that magazine." "May I see it?" "Certainly." "Here you are." "I'd love to know where all this money has come from." "From a literary engagement, a collaboration with a periodical." "I told an editor certain things." "What things?" "I told him I noticed a car, heard a cry for help and saw a body." "And just for saying that...?" "It depends on how you say it." "He's coming!" "Watch out!" "Remember, your orders are not to let any rival editors approach him." "Listen, it must be him." "It certainly is." "It's him!" "The man of the century!" "Anything else?" "No, let's leave it to freeze." "Excuse me?" "We'll let it chill a while." "I feel so ashamed." "Why?" "They're all staring at us." "Because they've recognized me." "I'm a personality, a great actor, an ex-actor but still great." "I want his autograph." "Can't you see he has company?" "It's the chance of a lifetime." "He's the man of the century." "Honey, the things you ask of me!" "Go on!" "Excuse me." "Yes?" "I know I'm rather rude." "Yes." "I mean not at all!" "I'd like to ask you a big favour." "If I can be of help" "I'd like your autograph." "It's for my wife who's so keen to have it." "Yes, I'd love to have it." "Come and join us." "As long as I'm not disturbing you." "Not at all." "Here's a notebook." "And a pen." "But it doesn't write." "Try shaking it." "What is your name?" "Filomena." "It doesn't write." "Really?" "How come?" "Filomena." "What's your surname?" "Ossobuco." "Ossobuco?" "Are you Milanese?" "No, I'm Neapolitan." "Are there Ossobucos in Naples?" "Lots of them!" "It must be an "imported" family." "Maybe." "Ossobuco is Milanese." "Really?" "More precisely, Lombard." "Filomena Lombard." "No, Ossobuco." "Is Ossobuco spelt with two B's?" "No, with one B." "With only one B." "Ossobuco with one B for buco." "How witty you are!" "You're Neapolitan, aren't you?" "Yes, I'm Neapolitan." "Right!" "You told me you were." "I'll write the dedication in Neapolitan." "I'm a little" "And" "The late Gennaro." "The late Gennaro?" "Right." "I thought it was your husband." "The late Gennaro was my father." "He's dead." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Poor Daddy!" "My condolences, madam." "It could have been your husband." "Oh, no, poor man!" "I'm just joking." "I know." "I'll just add my signature, my respectable signature." "Your wish has been granted." "Thank you so much." "There you are!" "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "Cesarino, do you feel unwell?" "No." "Why?" "What's happened to your face?" "Could it be measles?" "But this is ink." "Oh, you're right!" "Look at yourself." "It's nothing!" "It's nothing!" "There we are!" "The Moor of Venice." "It was your pen" "Goodness, I got ink on me too." "Waiter?" "Yes, sir?" "We have to wash this off." "Please, step into the bathroom." "Thank you." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "What an exceptional man he is!" "That's how Sonia learned the truth." "As soon as we were alone again" "If you feel laughing, look at this." "Why?" "What is it?" "That explains the money," "the hotel, the fine clothes." "Goodness me!" "What's happening over there?" "That girl is opening his eyes." "I hope he doesn't cause us any trouble." "But I didn't say all these things." "They made them up." "You must deny everything." "Naturally!" "Guys, stay on the alert." "Porter!" "Porter!" "Do you know where the nearest police station is?" "It's just around the corner." "What's happened to you?" "Has something happened to you?" "No, I'm immune." "I get it!" "You need us." "No!" "What I need" "Mr." "Esposito needs us." "What kind of a joke is this?" "Here he is." "What's happened to our dear Mr. Esposito?" "Sir, just as you predicted" "He wanted to go to the police." "We caught him just in time." "What did you want to do there?" "Deny all the lies you attributed to me." "Did you hear that?" "He wanted to make us out as liars." "Instead, our dear Mr. Esposito..." "Keep your hands still!" "... won't be going to the police, because we'll lock him in here." "Indeed, to prevent him from doing any other silly things, these gentlemen will remove his clothes and leave him  in his underwear until further orders." "What a fun guy!" "Undress him!" "This is illegal!" "It's kidnapping!" "You can't do this!" "What a fun guy!" "Not so fast!" "You're hurting me." "It's all ready, madam." "Hurry, girls!" "And now, the grand finale!" "What rough manners you have!" "Sit down and shut up!" "Watch your language, young man!" "I'm a law abiding citizen." "Don't make me laugh!" "I've no intention of making you laugh." "Take me to the Chief?" "I'll have you to talk to the President of Italy in person." "Very witty!" "Wait your turn like the others." "There's been a misunderstanding." "I'm not one of them." "I get it." "You're different!" "Now be quiet!" "Get lost, you peasant!" "It's just incredible!" "My goodness!" "How ugly you are!" "You think you're handsome?" "Listen Adonis I want to talk to the Chief." "I've something very important to tell him." "Move it!" "Just remain silent!" "Who's on earth is she?" "Can't you see?" "It's Ava Gardner." "I want to speak to the Chief too." "Quiet!" "What's going on out here?" "This lady wants to talk to you." "She says it's important." "Who is she?" "They brought her in with the others but she says we've made a mistake." "I don't doubt it, seeing that face." "But there's no accounting for tastes." "Come in, Madam." "Madam?" "Step inside." "Coming!" "Excuse me, girls." "He thinks he's handsome!" "Are you the Chief?" "Yes, I am." "Come with me." "Have a seat." "Do sit down." "What's this important thing you have to tell me?" "First of all, I want to clarify that I'm not a woman." "Come to the point." "I'll be brief." "This is the situation." "I live in a sort of Swiss chalet near the river." "There are Swiss chalets near the river?" "Where?" "What do you mean "where"?" "Those low houses made of bricks and wood..." "... where I live." "You mean the shacks." "OK, let's call them shacks." "They are shacks." "Now, the murder was committed near my house, but I didn't see the black car." "He said I must have seen a black car some time in my life, and moreover, I must have heard a cry for help." "I said I hadn't, he said I had." "You know how these things end." "They got me to sign a statement and gave me money, so I'd "see" the body." "I must specify that I live with a girl I'm protecting." "Ah, really!" "Yes." "And I never saw the body." "I saw a few black cars." "Who's never seen a black car in their life?" "I bet you've seen lots of them yourself." "Admit it!" "Very well." "I admit it." "See?" "Up with honesty!" "Now, what happened?" "I saw certain things near the river since I live in a chalet overlooking the sea" "I don't actually see the sea but the river that could be like a sea." "In the paper, they wrote that I'm an eye witness of the victim." "Please look me in the eye and tell me what you think of this affair." "I think I'm the victim because I didn't understand a word." "You're not the only one." "I didn't understand a word either." "Don't play the wiseacre." "By the way, what's your name?" "Come in." "Come in." "Why did you answer the knock?" "To give you a hand." "What's up?" "Ah!" "Fine!" "Fantastic!" "Show them in." "Maybe now I'll start to understand what's going on." "The scoundrel's here." "Inspector, I'm so pleased to meet you." "I'm the editor of the magazine "Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow"." "I'm familiar with it." "These are my journalists." "We're all victims of a crude fraud invented and set in motion  by this shady individual dressed as a woman." "Dressed as a woman?" "You're a man?" "I told you so earlier." "Quiet!" "Inspector, this individual sold our periodical a statement full of lies about the murder by the river." "Fobbing himself off as an eye witness." "Requesting and receiving a very generous fee." "Insisting on being put up in a luxury hotel." "When he realized he'd been found out, to escape the punishment, this is how he disguised himself in order to be able to flee." "What are you saying?" "It's not true." "That is not what happened." "He's sticking by his story!" "What bare-faced cheek!" "You're a scoundrel!" "Don't tell me you believe these people." "I only believe facts." "You should be ashamed." "Take off this disguise." "Do you want to report him?" "Obviously!" "I'm reporting him for fraud and swindling, false pretences, breach of trust, embezzlement." "That's how, thanks to the notorious corporal," "I even spent 3 months in prison." "This is my story, Doctor." "But I don't think it contains anything new." "It's a story that will be repeated over and over, while there are still, on the face of the earth, men and corporals." "Your theory is flawless." "I've learn more from you than in 20 years' practice." "I'm really pleased to have met you." "Here!" "Hello?" "Yes, he's still here." "Keep him in?" "No way!" "On the contrary." "I'm releasing him." "What?" "Very well." "I'll tell him." "My dear friend, there's a visitor waiting for you downstairs." "A visitor?" "For me?" "Who can it be?" "I've no idea." "Totò!" "Sonia!" "How are you?" "Fine!" "It's so long since we last met." "It's been five months." "I'd been looking for you everywhere but no-one knew where you were." "Alone, without you, I've had a really hard time." "Nobody told you I was in prison?" "I finally found out the truth today and came straight here to see you." "You know I love you a lot." "I was convinced you'd forgotten me." "How could I forget you?" "Let me look at you." "How elegant you are!" "What happened?" "So many things have changed these last few months." "I must tell you something that will make you happy." "Who, me?" "I'm sure you were expecting it." "Come on!" "It's true, I was expecting it." "This is my husband." "Pleased to meet you." "The pleasure is all mine." "Sonia's told me so much about you." "You were like a brother to her." "I did what I could." "He was more than a brother, more like a father." "Just think that when we went" "When did you get married?" "A week ago, in Milan." "I called my father at the factory this morning." "He said a house and an Alfa Romeo are waiting for us." "Come to Milan with us." "I can't." "I have things to do." "Of course." "Business is business!" "It's getting late." "Are you coming?" "I'll give you a ride into town." "No, thanks." "I have to wait here." "Well, I hope to see you again." "Likewise." "Come on, Totò, don't spoil" "Don't say anything." "Go with your husband." "Goodbye, Totò." "Are you vacationing in Portofino this summer?" "No." "How come?" "If you're in the area, drop in and see us." "Goodbye, Totò!"