"Hi, guys." "Hey, Phoebe." "How did it go?" "Not so good." "He walked me home and said, "We should do this again."" "He said, "We should do it again." That's good, right?" "Loosely translated, "We should do this again," means:" ""You will never see me naked."" "Since when?" "Since always." "It's, like, "dating" language." "Like, "It's not you," means, "It is you."" ""You're nice," means, "I'll be dating leather-clad alcoholics and complaining about them to you."" ""I think we should see other people," means:" ""Ha, ha, I already am!"" "Everybody knows this?" "Cushions the blow." "Like your parents putting the dog to sleep and saying it went to live on a farm." "That's funny." "Because our parents actually did send our dog off to live on a farm." "Ross...?" "Hello!" "The Milner's farm in Connecticut?" "The Milners had this unbelievable farm." "They had horses and rabbits to chase." "And it was...." "Oh, my God!" "Chi-Chi!" "The One With the Thumb" ""How does it feel knowing you're about to die?"" "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over." "But you'll live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." "That was really good!" "Thanks." "Let's keep going." ""So, what do you want from me, Dimon?" "Huh?"" "I just wanna go back to my cell, because in my cell I can smoke." ""Smoke away!"" "I think this is probably why Dimon smokes in his cell alone." "What?" "Relax your hand." "Let your wrist go." "Not so much." "All right." "Now try taking a puff." "Right." "Give it to me." "I'm not giving you a cigarette." "It's fine." "Do you want to get this part or not?" "All right." "Now, don't think of it as a cigarette." "Think of it as the thing that has been missing from your hand." "When you're holding it, you feel right." "You feel complete." "You miss it?" "No, not so much." "All right." "Now we smoke." "Oh, my God!" "It's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger." "That's ridiculous." "Can I use either thumb?" "All right." "Don't tell me." "Decaf cappuccino for Joey." "Coffee, black." "Latte." "And an iced tea." "I'm getting good at this." "Excellent!" "Good for me!" "You okay, Phoebe?" "It's not even worth" "It's my bank." "What did they do?" "I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly "statement."" "Easy!" "And there's $500 extra in my account." "Satan's minions at work again!" "Now I have to go down there and deal with them" "What are you talking about?" "IKeep it!" "It's not mine." "If I kept it, it would be like stealing." "Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping." "Say I bought a great pair of shoes." "IKnow what I'd hear with every step I took?" ""Not mine." "Not mine." "Not mine."" "And even if I was happy and skipping I'd hear, "Not-not mine." "Not-not mine."" "We're with you." "We got it." "I'd never be able to enjoy it." "It'd be like this giant karmic debt." "Chandler, what are you doing?" "What are you doing?" "Oh, gross!" "What is this?" "I'm smoking!" "I'm smoking!" "You've been so good for three years!" "And this is my reward." "Just think about what you went through the last time you quit." "So this time I won't quit." "All right!" "I'm putting it out!" "Oh, no!" "I can't drink this now." "I'm gonna go change." "I've got a date." "Is this Alan again?" "How's it going?" "It's going pretty good." "It's nice and we're having fun." "When do we get to meet the guy?" "Let's see, today's Monday...." "Never!" "Not after what happened with Steve." "What do you mean?" "We love Steve." "Steve was sexy!" "Sorry." "I don't know how I feel about him." "Let me figure it out." "Then can we meet him?" "Sorry." "Why should they meet him?" "I bring a guy home and they're all over him like coyotes picking off the weak members of the herd." "Listen, as someone who's seen more than her share of bad beef I'll tell you, that is not such a terrible thing." "Your friends are just looking out after you." "I wish that once I'd bring a guy home they actually liked." "You realize the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy." "Let it go, Ross." "You didn't know Chi-Chi." "Do you all promise?" "Yeah, we promise." "We'll be good." "Chandler, do you promise to be good?" "You can come in, but your filter tip little buddy stays outside!" ""Dear Ms. Buffay:" "Thank you for calling." "We have credited your account $500." "We're sorry for the inconvenience and hope you'll accept this football phone as our gift." Do you believe it?" "Now I have $1000 and a football phone." "What bank is this?" "Okay, it's him." "Who is it?" "Alan." "Chandler!" "He's here!" "Please be good." "Please?" "Just remember how much you all like me." "Alan, this is everybody." "Everybody, this is Alan." "I've heard so much about all you guys." "I'll call you tomorrow." "Let's let the Alan-bashing begin." "Who's gonna take the first shot?" "Come on!" "I'll go." "Let's start with the way he kept picking at" "I'm sorry, I can't do this." "Can't do it." "We loved him." "We loved him!" "Wait a minute!" "We're talking about someone I'm going out with?" "And did you notice?" "IKnow what was great?" "The way his smile was crooked." "Yes!" "Like the man in the shoe!" "What shoe?" "From the nursery rhyme." ""There was a crooked man with a crooked smile who lived in a shoe for a while...."" "So I think Alan is the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured." "What future boyfriends?" "I think this could be, you know, "it."" "Really?" "I'd marry him for his David Hasselhoff impression alone." "You know I'll be doing that at parties, right?" "IKnow what I like most about him?" "What?" "The way he makes me feel about myself." "How was the game?" "Well...." "We won!" "Fantastic!" "One question:" "How is that possible?" "Alan." "He was unbelievable!" "He was like a Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs plays every position." "But instead of Bugs, it was 1st base, Alan. 2nd base, Alan...." "It was like he made us into a team." "We sure showed those Hasidic jewelers a thing or two about softball." "Can I ask you guys a question?" "Do you think Alan is maybe sometimes" "What?" "I don't know." "A little too "Alan"?" "Oh, no." "That's not possible." "You can never be too "Alan."" "It's his innate "Alan-ness" that we adore." "I, personally, could have a gallon of Alan." "Hey, Lizzy." "Hey, Weird Girl." "I bought alphabet soup." "Did you pick out the vowels?" "I left in the Y's." "Because "--sometimes Y."" "And something else." "Saltines?" "Would you like $1000 and a football phone?" "What?" "Oh, my God!" "There's really money in here." "I know." "What are you doing?" "I want you to have it." "I don't want it." "I have to give you something." "No, it's fine." "You don't" "Do you want my tinfoil hat?" "No, you need that." "It's okay." "Thanks." "Please." "Let me do something." "I'll tell you what." "You buy me a soda and we're even." "Okay?" "IKeep the change." "Thanks, Lizzy." "Want a pretzel?" "No, I'm fine." "Thanks." "See you." "A thumb?" "I know." "I opened it and there it was floating in there, like this tiny little hitchhiker." "Maybe it's a contest?" "Like "Collect all five."" "Does anyone wanna see?" "No, thanks!" "Don't do that." "Come on!" "It's worse than the thumb." "This is so unfair." "Why is it unfair?" "So I have a flaw!" "Big deal!" "Joey's constant knuckle- cracking isn't annoying?" "And Ross, over-pronouncing every word." "And Monica, who snorts when she laughs." "I mean, what the hell is that thing?" "I accept those flaws." "Why can't you accept me for this?" "Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody, or just him?" "I could live without it." "Is it like, a little annoying?" "Or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?" "Don't listen to him, Pheebs." "I think it's endearing." "Oh, you do, do you?" "There's nothing wrong with speaking correctly." "Indeed there isn't." "I should get back to work." "Otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered." "The hair comes out and the gloves come off." "Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?" "No." "Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like." "Are we talking about the coyotes here?" "All right!" "A cow got through." "Can you believe it?" "It's just, you know what?" "I just don't feel the "thing."" "They feel the thing." "I don't feel the thing." "Honey, you should always feel the thing." "If that's how you feel about the guy, dump him." "It's gonna be really hard." "He's a big boy." "He'll get over it." "No, he'll be fine." "It's the other five I'm worried about." "Don't you respect your body?" "Don't you see what you're doing?" "I've had it with you and your cancer emphysema and heart disease." "The bottom line is smoking is cool, and you know it." "Alan wants to speak to you." "Really?" "He does?" "Hey, buddy!" "What's up?" "She told you about that, huh?" "Well, yeah." "I have one now and then." "Well, yeah, now." "It's not that bad" "Well, that's true." "Gee, no one's ever put it like that before." "Well, okay." "Thanks." "God, he's good." "If only he were a woman." "Oh, Lamb Chop!" "How old is that sock?" "If I had a sock on my hand for 30 years, it'd be talking too." "I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch." "Where's Joey?" "Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him." "Do you think that was wrong?" "I think he's across the hall." "There you go." "Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now." "Pheebs, do you want the rest of that Pop Tart?" "Does anyone want the rest of this Pop Tart?" "Hey, I might." "I'm sorry." "Those stupid soda people gave me $7000 for the thumb." "And on my way over here I stepped in gum." "What is up with the universe?" "What's going on?" "Nothing." "I think it's nice when we're together." "It's even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear." "Please, guys, we have to talk." "Wait, wait!" "I'm getting a déjà vu." "No, I'm not." "We have to talk." "There it is!" "It's about Alan." "There's something you should know." "There's really no easy way to say this." "I've decided to break up with Alan." "Is there somebody else?" "It's just you know, things change." "People change." "We didn't change." "So that's it?" "It's over?" "Just like that?" "You let your guard down." "You start to care about someone, and I just" "I can go on pretending" "Okay!" "That wouldn't be fair to me, to Alan, or to you." "Well, who wants fair?" "I just want things back, you know, the way they were." "I'm sorry." "Oh, she's sorry." "I feel better." "I just can't believe this!" "With the holidays coming up." "I wanted him to meet my family." "I'll meet someone else." "There'll be other Alans." "Yeah, right!" "Are you guys gonna be okay?" "We'll be fine." "We're just gonna need a little time." "I understand." "I'm really sorry." "I mean, I'm sorry too." "But I'm a little relieved." "Relieved?" "Well, I mean, I had a great time with you." "I just can't stand your friends." "Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?" "That was fun." "He could row like a Viking." "So how'd it go?" "You know." "Did he mention us?" "He says he's really gonna miss you guys." "Rough day, huh?" "You have no idea." "Come here." "That's it." "I'm getting cigarettes." "I don't care!" "I'm weak!" "I've gotta smoke!" "I've gotta have the smoke!" "If you never smoke again, I'll give you $7000." "Yeah, all right."