"I deliver perfection..." "and don't brag about it!" ":" "D" "Oh, my God, you cleaned!" "Look at these floors!" "You did the windows!" "I have been begging for months!" " And nagging works!" " No, I didn't actually do this." "Oh, no." "Was I cleaning in my sleep again?" "No, it wasn't you." " Well, then, who?" " I got a maid." "Yay!" "I hope you mean "mistress", because if some other woman was cleaning..." "I know you don't like to relinquish control." ""Relinquish" is just a fancy word for "lose"." "She's nice, and she mentioned that she adored how you arranged the sponges." "Did she really say that?" "Yes, I distinctly remember." "I thought it was a joke." " Now, just give her a chance, okay?" " Fine, I can do it." " What's the matter?" " Usually when I'm anxious, I clean." "The One With the Stain" "Whose cell phone is that?" "It's so annoying." "I think it's coming from your bag." "I never get calls!" "Hello?" "Hi, it's Eric, from the Halloween party." "Ursula's fiancé." "Oh, my God, Eric, hi!" "How'd you get this number?" "I have a friend who's a cop, and he got it." "Wow." "What an incredible violation and wonderful surprise!" "You should know I broke up with Ursula." "Oh, you did?" "He did it, he did it!" " What did he do?" " Shh!" "I'm talking!" "Anyway, I was wondering if you were the sort of person who eats lunch?" "Are you asking me out?" "Because it'd be weird since you just broke up with my sister." "Yeah, okay." "I'm sorry." "Bye." "Wait!" "I said that so you'd think I was a good person!" "Fight for me!" "I won't take "no" for an answer." "Not great, we can work on it." "I can be at your apartment in two hours." "How do you know where I live?" "I've got friends too." "Okay, bye." "Oh, my God, I'm going out with Eric!" "This day is gonna be much better than I thought it was gonna be." "Oh, Ross, I can't make lunch." "So apparently I'm available for lunch." "I can't." "I'm apartment hunting." "You're moving?" "I can't live with Joey once the baby comes." "I don't want my child's first words to be, "How you doin'?"" "Does Joey know you're moving?" "We haven't discussed it, but he'll be relieved." "He brought this girl over, and I talked about morning sickness." "I showed her my pregnancy book." " That's not really porn?" " Not so much." "I heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died." "Oh, my God." "Was she old?" "Does she have a view?" "How great would that be?" "You living in my building?" "I could take care of the baby, come over whenever I want with your permission." "That really would be great." "Well, can we see it?" "Maybe we shouldn't." "If she just died this morning." "Yeah." "No." "No, you're right." " Shall we?" " Yeah." "Yes?" "Hi." "I'm Ross Geller." "I live in the building." "And I'm Rachel, an admirer of the building." "I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away, and I am so sorry for your loss." " She didn't pass away." " What?" " My mother's still alive." " Oh, thank God!" "It looked like we were gonna lose her this morning, but she's tough." "Are you close with her?" "Of course." "She and I would talk all the time in the laundry room." "You speak Dutch?" "I would, but it's just too painful." "So she's really not dead." "No." "She's hanging in there." "Could you tell me, is she hanging in in a one-bedroom or a two?" "This tile cleaner is incredible." "Where did you get it?" "Oh, well..." "I make it myself." "It's two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice." "The secret ingredient..." "You know what?" "We just met." "Okay." "I'm gonna get the clothes from the laundry room then I'll clean behind the fridge." "I love her!" "I'll be back in a minute." "Okay." " See?" "I told you." " She stole my jeans!" "What?" "I've been looking for them all week!" "So she stole your pants, and then came back and wore them?" "Don't you see?" "It's the perfect crime!" "She must have been planning this for years!" "I'll prove it." "I dropped a pen in my lap, and it left an ink stain on the crotch." "When she comes back, I will find it and show you that stain!" "Is it possible the company that sold the jeans made more than one pair?" "I guess." "Shouldn't we give her the benefit of the doubt before we search her crotch?" "Fine." "I'm glad I didn't give her my secret ingredient." "By the way, what is your secret ingredient?" " Hi." " Come in." "I'm so glad you're here." "Yeah." "Me too." "Not in the shaky, angry way you are, though." "Sorry." "I just saw Ursula." "I got the engagement ring back." "Just seeing her brought it all back." "All the lies, the way she used me." "I just..." "I get so angry, just looking at her..." " Face." " Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "It's just, when I look at you I see her." "And when I see her, I get a little bit angry." "So, where do you wanna eat?" "Not that I'm not enjoying watching you flip out." "Sorry, I'm just..." " Maybe this is too weird." " Wait." "There's only a problem when I look at you." "I got it." "I got it." "No, don't tear out your eyes!" " I was just gonna take out my lenses." " Oh, yeah." "Try that." "So, is that better?" "Not really." "You're blurry, but you still look like Ursula." "You're "Blursula"." "Okay, wait." "Maybe..." "If I just don't look at you for a while." "See?" "It works." "I'm not angry at all anymore." "This is a great date!" "Yeah, not so much." "It's hard to have a conversation." "Oh, no." "Sure, we can have a conversation." "Tell me something about yourself." "Oh, me?" "Look, Eric, turn around." "I like you, but it shouldn't be this hard." "It's our first date." "It's supposed to be about excitement and "He touched my hand, did he mean to?" and first kisses..." "Second kisses..." "Thanks for the coffee, or:" "Yeah, we're done." "Hey, Ross." "You wanna go see that new IMAX movie on tide pools?" " Really?" " No." "But I got Knicks tickets for us." "Sweet!" "And then after we can go to a strip joint." " Really?" " No." "All right, let's go." "I have to stop by my place." "To tape the game?" "You do this every time." "You're not gonna be on TV!" "I have to see if this apartment is available." " You're switching apartments?" " It's for Rachel." " She has an apartment." " She's gonna move." " She is?" " Yeah." "You didn't expect her to live there with the baby?" "I didn't really think about it." "Hey, Gunther, you're an "ezel"!" "Damn it!" " Nice jeans." " Oh, thanks." " I like your top." " Oh." "You're not getting it." " What happened?" " Oh." "I fell asleep!" "I was thinking about taking my lunch break." "Will you do the top of the cabinets?" "That'll work up your appetite." "All right." "Hello." "What's going on?" "I'm sorry." "I've never had a maid before." "Is this not okay?" "I don't understand." "Why was your head between my legs?" "That's a fair question." "Well, my head was between your legs because I find you very attractive." " Are you coming on to me?" " Apparently." " How was the game?" " It was okay." "I ate way too much." "Ross said you were looking for a new place." "Yeah." "Hopefully across the street." "If certain Dutch people would let go." "I was kind of hoping you'd stay." "Joey, I have to go." "There's no room for a baby." "No room?" "It's a baby." "It's, like, this big." "You could put it over here." "Or we could put it right here." "Cute, right?" "Or over here." "You wouldn't even notice it." ""Where's the baby?" "Oh, it's right over..."" "Honey, it's not just a matter of where you put it." "A baby changes things." "They cry all the time." "Imagine bringing home a girl, trying to score with a screaming baby." "I could use a challenge." "It's getting pretty easy." "It's so sweet that you want me to stay, but I can't." "It would disrupt your entire life." "It's just..." "I love living with you so much." " I wish things didn't have to change." " I know." "You know, I blame Ross for this." "I do too, a little bit." "I'm gonna miss you." "You're the hottest roommate I ever had." "Oh, no, I have to go." "I have a massage appointment." "No, stay here." "We'll keep doing this." "I'll pay you." "No, I've gotten in trouble for that before." " See you later?" " Absolutely." "I love the way you kiss." "Really?" "That's the thing I'm worst at!" "You'll see." " Hey." "I think Brenda needs a raise." " How come?" "Because I put my head between her legs." " To see her pants?" " They're my pants!" "Did you see the stain?" "No." "I was getting into position, and everything went dark." "She is not stealing from us." "Will you let this go?" "Fine." " She's wearing my bra!" " Oh, dear God!" "My pink flowered bra!" "I recognize the strap!" "Yet you don't recognize that you're crazy?" "I'm leaving, and you're gonna look at Brenda's bra." "Here's another plan." "No." "I would, but she thinks I'm attracted to her." " Why?" " Did you not hear where my head was?" "We're a team." "We're in this together." "I fear a jury will see it the same way." "I catch you looking at women's breasts all the time." "You see that?" "Do you see this?" "All right." "Okay." "I get your point." "If it's not her bra, will you let her clean?" "Yes." "You'll know it's mine because on the right, there's a noticeable rip." "You need new clothes." " Hi." "How is she?" " It's not looking good." "Well, I brought her some "bloemen"." "Would you like to say goodbye?" "I'm sure it would mean a lot to her." "Oh, I don't know that it would." " Well, her memory is pretty much gone." " All right, then." " Hey!" " Welcome back." " Shall we continue?" " I'm still tired from this afternoon." " Why?" " The sex." " What sex?" " Our sex." "We didn't have sex." "If it wasn't with you, I had sex with somebody that looked like..." " You had sex with Ursula?" " A little bit." "I thought she was you and I kissed her and..." " You didn't notice different clothes?" " I was just so excited to see you." " This is too weird." " I don't wanna lose you." "It's like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love..." "Yeah." "It's too weird." "So I guess this is it." "Yeah." "Maybe it's for the best." " You smell just like her." " Yeah, so do you." " What are you doing?" " I'm leaning." "This is where I lean." "Okay." " Brenda, a bee!" " What?" "It flew into your blouse!" "Better undo your buttons lest it sting you." " I think I know what's going on here." " You do?" "Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian but it's wrong." "You're married." " I totally understand." " Okay, good." "Could I just see your bra?" " Where'd you get those jeans?" " You gave them to me." " No, I didn't!" " All right, I took them." "I figured it was okay, you've got an ink stain on it." " Oh, no!" "Did you take my bra too?" " What bra?" " The pink one with the flowers." " You mean the one you're wearing?" "I quit!" "Sounds about right." "What is this?" "This is just to give you an idea." "We can put screens so the baby has privacy, and a mobile over the crib and here's a baby monitor which, for now, we can use as walkie-talkies." "You're so sweet!" "Oh, my God!" "And you gave the baby Hugsy!" "That's really just to show where the baby would go." "Why don't I hold on to him so there's no confusion?" "Joey, the baby is gonna be crying." "It's gonna be loud." " I'm loud." " It'll be up all night." " I'm up all night." " It'll poop." "Hello!" "What about all the women?" "If I'm bringing home a woman who can't stand a baby then maybe I don't wanna be with that woman." "Or maybe we'll do it in the bathroom of the club!" "But I won't say stuff like that around the baby." "Joey, are you sure?" "Yeah." "Look, I know sometimes it'll be hard, okay but it'll also be really, really great." "Please, Rachel, I really want you to stay." "I want me to stay too." "Thank you." " Look at this crib!" "It's so cute!" " I know." "I found it on the street." "Are you...?" "Really?" "This is in such good condition." "Whoa!" "What's under the cover?" " I don't know." " It's moving." "It's got a tail!" "Get it out!" "Okay!" "Well, the old lady died." "And how do I know?" "Because her dying wish was for one last kiss." "And because I'm such a strong strapping "alleinstehender"" "...I had to carry her to the lobby." "And she was not a slight woman." "But I don't care because you got the apartment." "Yes!" "Yeah." "I think I'm gonna stay here." "Isn't that great?" "Subtitles by SDI Media Group"