"FRANKIE:" "Some days are just like any other day." "Okay." "Commercial." "Let's hear about everybody's day." "I'll go first." "I went to work, filled my purse with doughnuts, didn't sell a car, came home." " There's doughnuts?" " I hit a lot of red lights on the way back." " All right, next." " I didn't make the chess team." "Turns out it's nothing like checkers." "I finally sneezed this eraser out of my nose." " Ew." " I did stuff." "Whatever." " I found a dinosaur bone." " What?" "Then again, some days really surprise you." "MIKE:" "Yeah, I was in the south end of the quarry." "All of a sudden, I looked down, and there's this gnarled claw-bone thing." "SUE:" "Awesome." "BRICK:" "Cool." " That's not lame." "MIKE:" "Yeah." "I'll call the college, have them come pick it up." "What?" "You're gonna let them take credit for your discovery?" "Mike, this is a big deal." "SUE:" "You should call the Orson Herald." "Maybe they'll put your picture in the paper." "Oh, they don't want my picture." "Well, they did that whole article on the guy who found the chicken nugget shaped like Texas." "I think you'll get in." "So Mike called the Orson Herald, who called the local news who called the national news." "And just like that..." "So we gotta shut down for four months to let the paleontologists dig." "[ALL MURMURING]" "Mike was out of a job." "Oh, you're home early." "And you made dinner." "What a nice surprise." "Yeah, well, it's really more of a bad surprise." "Oh, you forgot ketchup." "Oh, this sucks." "I'm out of a job." " What?" "AXL:" "Wait." "Ha, ha." "Found it." "It was under the French fries." "[WHISTLES]" "They're closing the quarry so scientists can come in and dig up the rest of it." " Dude." " Yeah." "Oh, my God, you lost your job?" " Are we gonna be okay?" " Don't worry," " It's just a few months." "FRANKIE:" "We'll be fine." "MIKE:" "Absolutely." " Nothing to worry about." "Hey, Mike, can I see you in the kitchen for a sec?" " Oh, my God, Mike." "We're screwed." " Oh, yeah." "I would not wanna be us right now." "At least things are picking up at the dealership." "That's something I say when the kids are in the room." "We can't afford you being out of work right now." "What are you gonna do?" "Well, I thought I might travel a little bit, bike around Europe." "What do you think?" "I'm gonna find another job." " I got a lot of skills." "I'm not worried." " Okay." "Then I'm not either." "Mom." "Sign this." "You're running for school historian?" "What?" "I thought you'd want me to run." "Every time you sign up for something I end up doing it." " That's not true." "Mom, I entered the science fair." "[FRANKIE SIGHS]" "We're having a party for Mr. Peterson's retirement." "I signed up to write him a song." "[SINGING] Mr. Peterson, you were really fun" "We're gonna miss you a ton Mr. Peterson" "Whoa, whoa, whoa..." "You won't have to do a thing this time." "I promise." "All I need is your signature." "Or I could have Axl do your signature." "He's really good at it." "[SIGHS]" "MIKE:" "Hey, here's a job." ""Paleontologist's assistant." "Must have Master's degree."" "That's not fair." "You're qualified." "You found the damn thing." "Trust me." "There's no jobs out there, no matter how awesome you may be." "MIKE:" "Mm." "Seriously." "I texted my résumé to like three places last week." "You can't text your résumé places." " Times like these, you gotta get out there." " Yeah." " Finding a job is a job." " I'd like to quit that job." "The only way to quit that job is to get a job." "And that's why you're going with me to the Orson Job Fair this weekend." "Oh, God, when do I get time for myself?" "Job fair?" "More like unfair." "When a fine young man like that can't get a job what hope is there for the rest of us?" "FRANKIE:" "And so Mike was officially on the job hunt." "And he did look pretty snazzy in his funeral blazer." "MIKE:" "Is this the line just to get in?" "Wow, lot of people looking for jobs." "This is lame." "I'm the only one here under 100." "Hey, where's your résumés?" "How do you expect to get interviews?" "I'm on an interview with a guy from the theater." "You wanna see a picture of his dog puking?" "Heh." "Oh, look, it's Indiana Bones." "If you find anything on the ground, don't tell this guy." "My interview's going great." "How do you spell "scrotum"?" "Oh, Brick, this says your campaign fliers are due tomorrow." " Oh, really?" " Fliers are super important, Brick." "I did fliers when I lost for student council and when I lost for Teen Board and when I lost for Junior High Homecoming Court." "I don't think you get it." "But I can't get them done by tomorrow." "I need paper and a copier and..." "Oh, no, what am I gonna do?" "Oh, no." "Don't look at me." "If you forgot to make fliers then you'll just be the candidate without fliers." "You know the deal, pal." "You are on your own." "I am not doing it." "Ooh, personal copies on company time?" "Daddy likes a bad girl." "Yeah, Mommy likes to keep her job, so could you watch the door?" "Sure." "Don't worry, I'm cool." "Sometimes I sit on Mr. Ehlert's desk with no pants on." "Yep." "[WHISPERS] Every day a little victory." "[CHATTERING]" "No funnel cake?" "No rides?" "Ah, this fair sucks." "Let's just get our jobs and get out of here." "Axl, this is what you gotta do to get a job." "Now, watch and learn." "Welcome to CFB Consulting." "I'm Charles F. Barnes, a.k.a. CFB." " Hi, Mike Heck." " Well, Mike, let's see that résumé." "I'd say you have a major font problem." " What?" " Ah." "It's a little dry." "I can give your résumé a complete makeover for $100." "If you want a more comprehensive career consultation my weekend packages start at $500." "It's a better price than any of these other booths." "Wait." "This is a racket." "There are no jobs here." "You just lure people who are out of work so you can sell them crap they can't afford." "Just trying to make a living." "That's not how you get a job." " There wasn't anything else in the paper." " Paper." "Ha-ha-ha." "Oh, that's hilarious." "You know how I got my last job?" "My friend friended this other dude who IM'd me saying:" ""You want this job at Barnacles?"" "I'm like, "Yeah, whatever." He's like, "Cool." And I'm like, "Sweet."" "I can stop worrying about America now." "That's how it's done, Dad." "You gotta get online." "Right about then, Mike was starting to feel a bit like a dinosaur himself." " Axl." " What?" "This company's taking job applications online." "I need your help." "Oh." "You need a consult with the Ax Man, do you?" "Yeah, I'm never calling you that." "How do I get this onto that?" "You save it as a PDF and upload it." "[SIGHS]" " There." " That's it?" "Thanks." "Axl." "What?" "They need a e-mail address." "I only have the one at work and that's down." "What's yours?" "Here's your fliers." "I'm out." "You're actually doing your poster on your own?" "Yup." "And I'm done." "Walk away." "Just turn around and walk away." "[COMPUTER CHIMES]" " Axl." " What?" "I got a interview." "Sweet." " You got an interview?" " Yes, I did." "Honey, get me my tie." "Okay." "But what are we gonna yank to turn the basement light on?" "Once I get this job, baby I'm gonna get you the best light-bulb chain money can buy." "Aw." "Hi, I'm Mike Heck." "Ah, yes." "The rockinfreakshow." "Please, sit down." "So tell me, Mike." "What brings you to Hoosier Grain?" "Well, you called me, told me to come in." "And here I am." "Okay, how about you tell me a little about you?" "What are three words you would use to describe yourself?" "Uh..." "Tall." "Mike." " Man?" " Okay." "Well, what would you say is your best quality?" "Tall?" "What's your worst quality?" "Why would I tell you that?" "That would be stupid, right?" "I'm trying to get a job here." "If you were a color, what color would you be?" "I guess I would stick with the color I am." "Are you even allowed to ask me that?" "See, Mike couldn't play the game the way you have to in an interview." "He didn't have it in him." "I've been a manager." "I'm a hard worker." "I've never been late." "What else do you need to know?" "What superhero quality would you find most valuable to you in the workplace?" "Flying, invisibility, or stretching to extreme lengths?" "FRANKIE:" "So Brick forgot the fliers." "Big surprise." "I guess it's kind of my fault because I put them on top of his backpack instead of inside it." "When will I learn?" "Oddly enough whoever defaced the poster put more work into it than Brick did." "[GIRL LAUGHING]" "Hey, pigtails." "This your handiwork?" "No, but it is pretty funny." "You think it's funny, huh?" "I don't think it's funny." "You know why?" "Because Brick's not a nerd." "Doesn't make sense." "Not a good joke." "Unless it's ironic." "Is that why you're laughing?" "Because of the extreme not-nerdiness of my son?" "Are you a teacher?" "Oh, yeah." "You wish I was a teacher." "Your school laws don't apply to me." "Megan." "So I assume Brick can count on your vote for historian?" "[BELL RINGING]" "Oh, yeah, I'm in this thing now." "[FRANKIE SIGHS]" "Okay, not too neat." "It's gotta look like an 8-year-old made it." "Frankie, I took Advanced Charcoal Sketch at the Learning Annex." "I can't unteach my hands." "Mom, I found some more markers in the basement." "I couldn't find any clean poster board, so I brought my old ones." "We can use the other side." "I put so much work into these." "Vicki Hanson grows boobs, and it's all over." "I was robbed." "MAN [OVER PA]:" "Frankie." "Do you want a glitter border, or is that too much?" "I think that's too much." "[MAN SIGHS]" "MAN:" "I'm gonna need a new poster." "Mom, if I've learned anything from my 17 non-winning campaigns the poster can only get you so far." "It's really all about the speech." "[SIGHS]" " You're supposed to give a speech?" " Yeah, Thursday at 2:30." " Three to five minutes." " Have you written it yet?" "I don't know the words yet but I do know what shirt I'm gonna wear." "[SIGHS]" "Hi." "How did your interview go?" "Great." "Really great." "Can I see you in the kitchen for a sec?" "It was awful." "She kept asking me all these stupid questions that had nothing to do with the job." "How do I describe myself?" "I don't." "It was just stupid." "It was stupid, and I told her so." "Mike, you have to learn to play the game." "You gotta suck it up in these things." "Look, you have another interview tomorrow and whatever job they're offering you, make them think it's your passion." "My passion is you and the Colts and the kids." "Work is work." "You can't tell them that, Mike." "And thank you for putting me above the Colts." "It's tough out there." "I don't know how anybody gets a job." "Hey, I got a job." "The guy from the theater texted me." "I'm working the projector." "And he says I can have girls up there." "[AXL CHUCKLES]" "FRANKIE:" "Mike went to his next interview ready to play the game." "So, Mike, what is it about septic tanks that appeals to you?" "Gosh, where do I begin?" "Uh..." "I think what you do is important for the community." "Well, there are a lot of important jobs out there, Mike." "Why this one?" "I just really like to work with my hands, you know?" "Just get in there and:" "Yeah." "Lot of jobs where you can work with your hands." "Why here?" "I just think of the reward of hosing out a tank and giving some lucky family a fresh new start." "You can't ever really get to know somebody until you've gotten to know their waste." "But why septic waste?" "Because the idea of putting on a rubber suit and goggles and wading through human excrement sounds like the adventure of a lifetime." "It's like being an astronaut here on planet Earth." "I guess what I'm really saying is that septic waste is my passion." "[BLOWS RASPBERRY]" "Okay, in your speech you have to say why you wanna be school historian." "So why do you wanna be school historian?" "Just write whatever you want." "Brick, I won't always be here." "If you want something, you have to work for it." "It doesn't just magically come to you." "Here's the rest of the posters." "I made this Brick flag, in case you wanna wave it." "Careful, because the paint's still wet." "Hey." "Brick, why are you reading?" "Bob's bringing your posters." "I'm sitting here doing your speech." "Well, I didn't ask you to." "Well, somebody has to." "God, you're suffocating me!" "BOB:" "Hey, break it up." "Would you come with me for a second?" "Look, if he doesn't get it done, he doesn't get it done." "It's not your job to save him." "Bob, you don't know what happened." "They already think he's a nerd." "I'm gonna let you in on a little secret." "I was a nerd." "Uh-huh." " Blows your mind, right?" " Yeah." "Best thing my folks ever did was let me fail." "Everything." "They didn't put training wheels on my bike." "Broke my wrist three times." "But I learned." "Now every time I think I can't do something I just listen to the click of my wrist." "Clearly, Bob had terrible, terrible parents." "But there was a grain of truth to what he was saying." "[FRANKIE SIGHS]" "Brick, honey, I'm sorry." "It's your speech." "So write it, don't write it." "It's up to you." "Okay." "I won't write it." "Thanks, Mom." "[FRANKIE SIGHS]" " Hi, honey." "How was the interview?" " It went great." "Really?" "You don't need to see me in the kitchen?" "Nope." "Bob." "What are you doing here?" " Oh, we just put the kids to bed." " Yeah." "Thought we'd watch a little TV." "Well, can I get you a beer?" "Uh, no, thanks, Bob." "I got it." "Those my pajama bottoms?" "Oh, yeah." "I got paint on my pants." "They're in the wash." "So I grabbed a pair of yours." "I knew you'd be okay with it." "Get out, Bob." "You sure?" "Because Maroon 5's on Kimmel tonight." "I don't know who that is, Bob." "Drive safe." "[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]" "So?" "Really went well?" "Killed my soul." "That's how you know you're doing it right." "So the day of the election had arrived and I was ready to let Brick sink or swim." "If he started sinking, I was prepared to pull a fire alarm." "KEN:" "I could be an excellent historian." "[PHONE BUZZING]" "Orson Septic." "[FRANKIE GASPS]" "KEN:" "I believe serving in student council's the best way for me to give back to the school that has given me so much." "I would be honored with the great privilege to tell our story for the future generations to come." "Since last year I've been working day and night to prepare..." "And you sucked it up and everything." "Did he say why?" "Why, yes, he did." "He said he didn't believe anyone could be that passionate about septic tanks." "He sensed a certain falseness in my enthusiasm." " Oh." "KEN:" "Thank you." "TEACHER:" "Thank you, Ken." "Our final candidate for school historian is Brick Heck." "Brick?" "[GIRLS GIGGLING]" "TEACHER:" "Brick." " How's his speech?" " I don't know." "I didn't write it." " What?" "BRICK:" "Ahem." "Hi, I'm Brick Heck." "Or as most of you know me, nerd." "[CHILDREN LAUGHING]" "I spend a lot of time locked in lockers here at Orson Elementary." "And that's given me a lot of time to think." "You may think I'm odd." "And maybe I am." "I'm the kid who makes you late for recess because we have to walk in a group and I'm still in the bathroom pulling up my pants." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Sure, I talk in a Scottish accent sometimes." "[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] Don't knock it till you've tried it." "[IN NORMAL VOICE] But aren't I exactly what you want for your school historian?" "Someone who has no social connections whatsoever." "Someone who'll take pictures of you doing fun things I have no desire to be a part of." "But the main reason you should vote for me is because I suck at basketball." "And if I'm not elected, I will try out for the team." "Do you really want that on your conscience?" "I don't think so." "[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]" "I was so worried about trying to save Brick but he saved us." "He took a day that could've been a real lousy one and turned it into one of our best." "Like I said some days really surprise you." "I won." "You're kidding?" "Wow, Brick, I'm so happy for you." "Mom, can I see you in the kitchen for a sec?" "Uh-huh." "I can't believe he won." "I have tried out for a million things and I've never gotten anything." "It's just not fair." "I know it seems that way now but you were right there on the back of his poster pushing him from behind." "So, in a way, it's your victory too." "Well, I'm just worried about him." "If he got the first thing he tried out for, how is he ever gonna grow as a person?" "Actually, I feel sorry for him." "We all do, honey." "How about that brother of yours, huh?" "Nailed it on his first try." "God, I'm proud of that kid." "I haven't felt like this since Axl went to regionals." "I have character." "Hey, I made dinner." "Whatever." "Okay, what's this about?" "Did you get suspended?" "Did you crash your car?" "No, I got paid and I wanted to treat." "God, you're welcome." "Thanks, buddy." "Twelve thousand more dinners and we're even." "So Mike picked himself up and got right back into the game." " Honey, have you seen...?" " Shh." "I'm on a interview." "Oh." "Besides, we weren't that worried that he didn't have a job yet." "Oops." "I just remembered I'm supposed to take a picture of every kid in student council by tomorrow." "Because suddenly I had two." "Hi." "Can I take a picture of, um, Tommy?" "[SIGHS]" "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"