"Ira, they're nailing something in the house." "They're from the sheriff's office." "Yeah, finally." "I didn't tell you, Mattie, because..." "I kept thinkin' something would show up like it always has for us." "But it looks like the jig's up." " You mean, they're gonna take the house?" " Yeah." "Oh, you do such a fine business with the fix-it shop." "Yeah." "Now nothing in town needs fixing but me." "Oh, I'm just all muddled up." "We put our money in the Gibraltar Bank for a rainy day, and there's" "Yeah." "We drew a flood." "Yes." "I don't understand how it happened." "Well, I didn't either, but Banker Griswald explained the whole thing to me." "Well, that was mighty nice of him, wasn't it?" "Well, he says we put our money in his bank for safekeeping." "Then he loaned it out to other people." "The other people didn't pay him back, and now he can't pay us." "And the way he explained it to me, why, it wasn't the bank's fault at all." " Well, I think the bank's been imposed upon." "Well, there's a difference of opinion about that." "There's really two sides to this banker question." "The bankers is on one side... and the peoples on the other." "Now, listen." "Listen here, Mattie." "You hold your chin up and just make out like nothing's happened." "I don't think I can be that deceitful." "Oh, sure you can." " Hello,Joe." " Hi." " Hello, Norville." " I hate to do this, Ira... but the house goes under the hammer a week from Friday... and they want the furniture out right away." "You know how we feel, Mattie, but... well, orders is orders." "Oh, that's all right." "If we got to be thrown out... why, I don't know of anybody I'd rather be thrown out by than you and Joe." "Where do you want the boys to put the furniture, Ira?" "Well, uh" " I don't know." "The whole thing come up so sudden like." "I wonder if they'd let us use the old shed back here." "Could we use that?" " Why, sure." "Just for a short time?" "Ira, what'll Emily say?" "She's just at that age where she takes everything so hard." "Emily's all right." "She takes after you." "I've been looking everywhere for you." "I didn't expect you to take me home today." "Why not?" "I've taken you home every day for the past week, haven't I?" "Well, I know, but they say you never take the same girl home the second week." " That doesn't apply to you." " But, Perry, you're so popular." "Seems like you go with hundreds of girls." "Well, naturally a man tests out a lot of women before he decides on the one." "I've passed the frivolous age, Emily." "I've taken out almost every girl in Flat River." "Ah, well." "I guess I've had my fling." "Perry, are you what they call a-- a man of the world?" "I have been referred to as that." "Sometimes I wonder how a man-- a man of affairs like you can be interested in a girl like me." "That's a natural thought, Emily." "The fact is, I enjoy your company, because you're different." " Different?" " Yes." "You're not shallow." "You're deep." "Oh, Perry." "Do you really think I'm deep?" "Yes, very deep." "You going to the dance tonight?" "Well, I-- I hadn't thought about it." "Well, you can start thinking about it right now." " Oh, Perry, that's so kind and thoughtful of you." " Please, Emily, please." "But, Perry, going to the dance with you" "Well, if Madame Russaud delivers my new gown in time." "You know, she's the most temperamental modiste in town." "Now, remember, Emily, 7:30" "Madame Russaud or no Madame Russaud." "All right." "I'll be ready." "Oh, Emily." " How do you do, Mrs. Van Clyde?" " Here's the dress I promised you, Emily." " My daughter said she wanted you to be sure to have it." " Well, I" "Oh, don't be foolish." "It's perfectly all right." "She's only worn it once, and nobody will know it." " How do you do, Mrs. Van Clyde?" " How do you do, Perry?" "To the civic league, Cunningham." "Emily!" "They're putting us out of the house!" "Shut up." "Now, run along, children dear." "Well, uh, I guess a lot of people were caught when the Gibraltar Bank broke." "Yes." "Yes, that's right." "I'll see you later." "Oh, honey, it ain't so bad, but what it couldn't be worse." "This" " This dress." "Perry saw her." "He saw that sign too." "Oh, I can't bear the disgrace." "I want to leave this town." " I've got to leave it." " Oh, now, Perry's a sensible boy." "He knows it's no disgrace for people not to have money nowadays." "You wait and see, Emily." "I'll bet it won't make a bit of difference with him." "Hello?" "Hello!" " Oh,just a minute, Perry." " I told you." "Hello." "Yes, Perry." "Oh, yes, Perry." "Of course, Perry." "Oh, sure." "Sure, some other time." "Yes, Perry." "Folks, do you want to own your own home?" "Of course you do." "It's everybody's aim and ambition to settle down in their own home... no matter how small or modest it may be." "You" " Here." "You almost forgot 'er." " That'll hold her." "Yes, yea." "Don't want to forget ol' Betsie here." "Sorry, Ira." "You're not gonna take Ira's accordion?" "Why, certainly." "It's all been figured in the estimate." " That right, Ira?" " Y-Yeah." "Yes, yes." " All been figured in the estimate." " Oh, my." "Now, Ira, about your furniture." "I'm your friend, and because I am your friend, I'll give you $50 for it." "Could you give me $60 and be my enemy?" "No." "I'm your friend." "Now, you can take it or leave it." "Well, if that's the best you'll do, I'll have to take it." "Where you going, Ira?" "Well, I'm goin' to find some work." "Nothing around Flat River." " May go as far as California." " Why, that's fine." "There's sunshine out there all the time." "Yeah, all but nighttime, and they're workin' on that now." "Well, you and Mattie are using good judgment." "Well, it's Emily that wants to go west." "Well, she's right." "Remember Horace Greeley said, "Young man, go west."" "Yeah, then he stayed east." "Well, good-bye, Mattie." "Good-bye, Ira." "Good-bye." "Only a little while and we'll never see it again." "Someday we're comin' back." "And when we come back, we're gonna come right into this very same house." "We're gonna own it, just like we did when it was built." " Come on, you all." "Get in here." "Let's go." "Get out of here." " Don't tear your dress." " Good-bye, Ira." " Good-bye." " Oh, is Little Ira in here?" "Hey, where are you?" " Here I am, Pa." "That's fine." "All right." "Let's go." " Little Ira, sit down." " Yeah." "Little Ira!" "I told you to sit down!" "Now, if you stand up again, I'll paddle your little panties." "Gosh, what a climb." "Oh, it was just awful." "Every minute I thought was my last." "But then I thought if it had to be, it would be kind of nice if we all died together." "For pity's sakes, where are we, Pa?" " In the Rocky Mountains, of course." " Sure, Ma." " Anybody'd know that." " Are they real mountains?" "Well, if they ain't, they'll do till some real ones shows up." " Hey, look at that snow." " Is it real snow?" "Boy, that kid doubts everything." "You're from Missouri, all right." "My, but it's beautiful." "Ain't it wonderful, Emily?" "Oh, it's just like any other snow." "She'll come out of it about the time we hit Utah." "Yes, but you said she'd come out of it when we hit Kansas." "Well, now, that was a little too early." "Say, that's a pretty view, ain't it?" "All that stream and rocks reminds me of that song." "What is it?" "Somethin' about rocks and rails, or somethin'." "Oh, my!" "Louder than I wanted it to rain." "Whoo!" "Get down, all of you." "Get in there." "We're gonna start down the hill now." "We're gonna coast down to save some gas here." "I'm gonna show you some fancy freewheelin'." "Do we have to go so fast?" "Keep your paws off there, Ma." " Well, go slower." " Don't bother a man 'fore he's finished." "Fella's got all he can do to handle going down here." "Takes a good man." " Put on your brakes." " I got 'em on." " Oh, my!" "Keep your eye on the road!" " Look at that valley, Ma." "That is sure pretty." " Little Ira!" "You want to be killed?" " Look out, look out!" " Here it is!" " Oh, dear!" "Here we go!" "Oh, no!" "Look out, look out." "Goin' on one of them turns." "Wouldn't take long to get to California if it was all downhill, would it?" "Sure freewheelin' nice." " Oh, Pa!" " Hey, ya keep your paws off of that!" "Oh, Pa, do be careful." " We're just coasting, you know." " Pull over there." "We're just coasting, aren't we?" "There's no speed on at all, hardly." "Here's a" " Look out there." "A in't that pretty?" " Oh, Pa!" "Pa!" "Watch the road." "Oh, when do you think we'll hit bottom?" "I'm awfully sorry to bother you." "Could you let me have a little petrol, please?" " Petrol?" " Yes, please." "Pet" " No, I got a wife and one, two, three, four children..." " and a dog, but I" " I'm sorry." "I mean gas." "Oh, gas." "Oh, sure." "Be glad to." "Little Ira, give me that can of lifesaver out of there, will you?" "It's awfully good of you to trouble." "I see by your number plate you're from Missouri." " Yeah." " You're a long way from home." "Heh!" "well, now, if we ain't, we've been going round in circles." "A in't we, Ma?" " Yes!" " I bet you can't guess where I'm from." " You're from England." " You're husband's uncanny." "Yes." "I was gonna say Sweden." "Before you pour in the petrol, would you take a look under the bonnet, please?" " Under the" " Would you mind looking under my bonnet?" "Under your bonnet?" "This is my wife, uh, Mrs. Skitch." " How do you do?" "My name's Florence Desmond." " How do you do?" " Well, this is my Emily, and Minnie and Winnie." " How do you do?" " And Little Ira." " How do you do?" "what fun." "I love crowds." " Uh, what was that you wanted me to look under just now?" " The bonnet." "Oh, bon" " Oh, the hood?" " Oh, is that what you call it?" " Sure." "Why don't you Englishmen learn to talk English?" " Ma, is she a real Englishman?" " Hush." " What part of the country you headed for anyhow?" " California." "California?" "That's where we're going." "Say, there'll sure be a..." "lot of people out there when we all get there." " I'm going on the cinema." " Oh, my." "That's too bad." "Have you had a great sorrow?" " No, you don't understand." "I mean the movies." " Oh." "Oh." "Well, what'll you do if you don't get in the movies?" " I have other talents." " Oh?" "I mean, I'll do anything." "I'll wait on table if necessary." "Well, now, that's a good idea." "Always a good idea when you're trying to get into movies... to hang around close to where food is somewhere." "I'm making my way to Yellowstone, from there to Grand Canyon... then Nevada, and finally California." " Oh, that's nice." " Here, Little Ira." "Put that back in there, will you?" "Don't lose that "potater" off there." "Well, say, if you're going that way, why, we're liable to run onto you somewhere." "I hope so." "By the way, what do I owe you for the petrol?" "Oh, that's all right." "That's just a custom of the road." "Thanks." "I hope I meet you again when I'm in trouble." " Cheerio!" " Good-bye." " Pa, what's "cheerio?"" " What's a what?" " Cheerio." " Cheerio--Well, I don't know." "Some kind of English animal, I guess." " What is the matter?" " Oh." "Say, there's no gas." "Oh, no." "Oh, hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, England!" "Petrol!" "Cheerio!" "Well!" "For heaven's sakes, what's that?" "Oh, I know what it is." " It's the Old Faithful Geezer." " "Geyser," dumbbell." "It spouts at regular intervals of 63 minutes." "Ma, there's such a thing as educating' children up too high." "And it draws up a column of hot water... 1 50 feet in the air." "Oh, hush up, will you?" "Let me find out something for myself." " Pa, is it real hot water?" " Yes." " How do you know it's real hot water?" " I know hot water when I see it." "I've been in enough of it lately, haven't I?" "Look out there, Ma." "Don't bust that grip there." " Ain't it grand?" " Yeah, I'm sure glad we stopped here,you know." "Now when those Californians start blowing, we'll have something to tell 'em." "My Lord, Ma." "Look at those young'uns." "They look like a couple of wilted heads of lettuce." " Get into your bathing suits." "I want to wash those dresses." " Look at those hats." " Give me your hats." " They look like you'd swum the channel in those hats." "Oh, my." "My goodness, Ma." "They couldn't have on less if they was grown women." " Think I'll go in swimming." " We want to go too!" "You go ahead and go on." "Come on." "Get out of here." "Go ahead, honey, and have a good time." "Oh, Pa, what are we going to do?" "Oh, we'll be all right now." "Don't start worrying, Ma." "Yes, but we've got no gas or food, and six mouths to feed." "Twelve." "Oh, Ira, we got to do something." "Oh, now, there must be something to do around a place like this-- some cars to wash or some radios to fix." " I'll get some groceries and gas someway." " Well, can you get money for it?" "If I can't, I'll steal it." "Ira Skitch!" "Have you lost your senses?" "No, I ain't lost my senses." "I'm just coming to my senses." "Trouble with me, I've been too easygoing, too honest." "We've worked all these years and saved, and what's happened?" " From now on, I'm a changed man." " Ira!" "From now on, I'm gonna be mean and grasping." "But, Ira, won't you try honest labor first?" "Well, if honest labor comes my way, I'll" " I'll take it." "But I'm a man that stops at nothing to get what I want!" "Oh, but, Ira" " I" "Take it easy!" "Relax." "Hang onto my shoulder." "We'll be out of this before you know it." "It's all right." "You can touch here." "You're all right." "That's a girl." " Feel all right?" " Yes." "Don't you think you better confine your bathing to bathtubs?" "I'm a very good swimmer, thank you." "Oh, I haven't by any chance rescued Gertrude Ederly, have I?" "Oh, here." "Let me do it." "Say, didn't you know there was a 20-foot drop right out there?" " Why, no." " Well, I did." "It was dredged two years ago at a cost of half a million dollars." "I thought it was a waste of money until now." "I'm glad they did it." "Oh, are you?" "Why?" "Well, if it hadn't been dredged, you wouldn't have stepped into it." "And if you hadn't stepped into it, we wouldn't be here talking, would we?" " You'd better sit down here and get your breath back." " Oh, I have my breath back." "Then let me get mine back." " Will you have beer?" " Will you have beer?" " Oh, no." " Oh, no." "Tea?" "Lemonade?" " Uh, lemonade." " Make it two." "Two." "I want to thank you for saving me from drowning." "It was a pleasure." "I'd like to be on hand at all your drownings." " Are you staying here at the hotel?" " Oh, no." "You see, the family is making a little tour this summer..." " and, well, we're just passing through here." " Travel much?" "Well, uh, we have traveled quite a bit." " Ever been in Europe?" " Oh, no." "Well, you see, father's a great believer in seeing America first." "Your father's right." "You know, there are people right here in this country... who know every street corner in Bombay, and they've never even seen the Grand Canyon." " By the way, that's my next stop." " I thought you were a ranger." "Oh, no." "I'm traveling with my uncle on a tour of inspection of national parks." " We're going to the Grand Canyon." " You are?" "Well, I thought this tour was gonna be dull." "Father says the tour really begins to get interesting from this point on." "Your father's right again." "It really does begin to get interesting from..." " uh, this point on." " Oh, I must go." "Oh, not yet, please." "There now." "You see, you can't go." "Uh, say, uh-- uh, what's your father's business?" "Well, you see, he sort of suspended business just before we started on this tour." "Oh, I see." "He's retired." "Well, he expects to become active again-- probably in California." "California?" "Why, that's where I live, Los Angeles." "Say, there's the place for your father to invest some of his surplus money." " Right now's a good time too." " Yes, I-I'll tell him." "How do, neighbor?" " Hey, what is this mess you got here?" " Why, that's a house on wheels." " It's got everything that a home has." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " Mortgage too?" "Well, not this one." "Mortgage!" " Say, where you from, neighbor?" " Put that down?" " Yeah, thanks." " Can I give you a hand?" " Thank you very much." " I'm from Missouri." "Missouri?" "Oh, say, you're a long ways from home, ain't it?" " Yeah." "You a long ways from home?" " Yes, I'm from New York." "Say, and I'm gonna stay from there." "Nine years I was in business there." "Pretty soon, I'm gettin' very, very sick." "And the doctor says to me, he says, "Cohen"" " That's my name, Cohen." " No." "Yeah, that's my name." "He says, "Cohen, you have a very bad condition there in the chest."" "He says, "For people in your condition, I wouldn't give 1 0 cents for a dozen."" "So, here I am running for three years with this." " Yeah, well, that's great." " Here." "Feel my muscle." "Feel my muscle." " Go on, feel it." " Gee, that's strong." "Strong?" "A Goliath!" "Strong?" "Hit me in the chest." "Come on." "Hit me." " I can take punches like Max Baer." "Come on." "Hit me." " I don't wanna hit you." "Hit me in the chest." "Say" "You're pretty strong yourself, eh?" "Sheesh!" "Well, I was considered pretty tough down in Missouri, where I come from." " Well, you're telling me?" "I'll bet I'm black and blue." " Yeah." " I left there because it was too tame." " Is that so?" " Yeah." "You ever hear ofJesseJames?" " Are you him?" "No." "We always considered that guy kind of effeminate." " Yes, I heard that, I heard that." " Only one trouble with me." " You got trouble, huh?" " Yes, I got a bad temper." " A bad temper?" " Yeah." " I'm always wanting to start a fight for no reason at all." " I see." " You want this car washed for a dollar and half?" " Why, certainly, certainly!" "Here's the water." "I'll get the sponge." "Don't worry!" " Does the radio make you mad?" " No, only when it has no static." "You know, I'm crazy about that cigarette hour." "Of all the things in the world, there's nothing so funny like thatJack Pearl." "He's a scream." "He's got such a funny dialect." " Yeah." "You mean the fella who does "Fire Chief"?" " No, no." "That's Eddie Cantor." "Jack Pearl makes jokes from Baron "Muncheesen."" "And how he murders the King's English-- It's something "terrifical."" "Oh, you get a kick out of his dialect, huh?" "The minute I think of it, I go into hysterics." "He's got such a funny accent!" " Don't put that in there!" "Work on that fender." " I didn't see" " Certainly." "There's your pa now." "Look, look, look what's coming there a whole bunch of meddlesome kids." "Such homely looking brats." "Yeah?" "That happens to be my family." " Ooh, what beautiful children." " Oh, Ira." "I'm so glad." "I thought you'd do something desperate." "Oh, it's all right, Ma." "Don't worry." "I got a pretty good grip on myself." " Mr. Cohen, I'd like to have you meet my wife." " I'm pleased to meet you." " How do you do?" " Thank you." "And these are my daughters, Minnie and Winnie-- uh, Winnie and Minnie." " How do you do, Mr. Cohen?" " How do you do, Mr. Cohen?" " Well, fine, thank you, fine." " And this is Little Ira." "I got a knife." "A chip off the old chunk, eh?" " Talk more, will you, Mr. Cohen?" " About what?" " About anything.Just talk." " All right." "What do you want me to say?" " Are you an Indian?" " Sure!" "Full-blooded." "Right off the preservation." "Am I an Indian?" "Hello!" "Hello there!" " Hello there!" "Hello!" " Hello there, England!" "Turn off your petrol and look under your bonnet and come right on over." "Here we are again, Mr. Skitch." " Here's mine." " Oh, of course." "I say, isn't this toppy?" "Oh, Mrs. Skitch, you look divine!" "Miss Desmond, I'd like to have you meet Mr. Cohen." " How do you do?" " I'm so glad to meet someone from the opposite sex." " Are you still going in the cinema?" " Oh, rather." "I can hardly wait." "Well, you'll do some waiting' when you get down there, I'll tell you that." " Are you a real movie actress?" " Ira." " Yes, dear." " Then why don't you act?" "Tell me if you know who this is." "Listen." "Go away, go away." "Leave me alone." "I just want to be alone." "Do you remember the name of the field where I sat?" "Do you remember the name of the field where I sat?" "we will go away to my villa.. ." "and I can live there for six weeks." "And we can laugh and be happy." "And I can live like an ordinary woman." "Oh, that's what I want do." "But I can't." "Oh, I'm so tired." " Why can't I go home?" " That's marvelous, you know that?" "If I didn't know it was you, I'd swear it's Constantine Bennett in person." " What an actor!" " That was Greta Garbo." "She's Swedish and wears big shoes." "She played in Grand Hotel." "It's getting kind of late." "I guess I'll be going." "Don't be long, Ira." " Sing "Sonny Boy," will you, Mr. Cohen?" " "Sonny Boy"?" " Little Ira." "Come on, children." " Au revoir, Mr. Cohen." " Sam is the name." " So long, Mr. Skitch." "Uh, Ira." " Hey, come on here, sonny boy." "Let's get busy on this car." " Certainly, certainly." "That's fine." "Work on that light up there." "The light in the front?" "Certainly." "So I enjoy your company." "You're different." "I suppose you consider me... deep." "Well, not too deep." "Well, that's fine." "I'd rather not be considered deep, if you don't mind." "That's great." "I detest being up to my ears in deep people." " Do you mind if I go now?" " Oh, come now." "Be deeper than that." "Of course I mind." "Well, I really must." "Mother'll be worried." "Well, will you meet me here afterward?" " Maybe." " No maybe about it." "Remember, young lady, I saved your life." "In a way, it belongs to me." " Bye." " Hey, wait a minute." "What's your name?" " I'll tell you that the next time I meet you." " All right." " Till then, you'll have to guess." " Well, will you meet me right here in an hour?" "You'll have to guess that too." " Oh, hello, Uncle." " Well, what did you fall into?" "You'd be surprised." "Ma!" "Ma!" " For heaven's sake." "What is it now?" " Do gooseberries have legs?" "Of course not." "What's that?" "What have you been putting in your mouth?" "It must have been a caterpillar." "Get out of those gooseberries!" "Get off your dresses." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "Lift 'em up." "Yeah.Just brush up that light a little bit, and then we'll be through." "Oh, the light." "I didn't see it." "You're right." " That's better." " That's better, ain't it?" "Well, you certainly did a fine job." " Here's your dollar and a half." " Thanks." "Say, how much would you charge me to wash off the big wagon of mine there?" " Oh, the refrigerator car there?" " Mm-hmm." "Oh, that'd be about-- about two dollars and a half for that." "But I'm too tired to do it today." " Ma!" "Ma!" " Don't bother me!" " Ma!" "Ma!" " For pity sakes, leave me alone!" " But, Ma!" " Shut up!" " Now sit down." " But, Ma!" "Wait till your father comes." " Ma!" " Ma!" "Ma, watch out!" "Minnie, is that you?" "Ma, look out!" "Ma, watch out!" "It's a real bear!" "Ma, watch out!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Children!" "Get in the car!" "Get in!" "Ira!" "Get in!" "Quick!" "Help, help!" "Ma!" "Is that a cinnamon bear?" "I don't know what flavor it is!" "Shoo!" "Ira!" "Help!" "Ira!" "I" "Ira!" "Ira Skitch!" "Shoo!" "Ira Skitch!" "Ira!" "Pa!" " Ira!" " What's the matter, Ma?" "What is it?" "A fine time to be getting here, Ira Skitch... when your family's been most eat up by a nest of bears." " Oh, look!" " What's the matter, Ma?" " What is it?" "What's the matter?" " Look!" "It's all gone." " Mother, has something happened?" " "Has something happened?"" "Here we've been most eaten up by bears... and our remains strewn across the countryside... and she asks, "Has anything happened?"" "Oh, woman, don't get yourself all worked up." "That's why the government lets the tourists come into the park... so the bears could have some fun with them." "Oh, a fine sense of humor the government has." "Come on, come on, little cubbies." "Oh!" "Mr. Cohen!" "This is the first time I've ever seen a tame bear!" " Ooh, um, they make beautiful rugs." " Ah, go on." "Them bears is pretty smart, but they can't make rugs." "Rugs they make." "What do you think they are, knitters?" "Rugs." "Say, uh, how's about you and me having a little supper together tonight, eh?" "Oh." "Oh, that'll be ducky." "No, I've only got chickens, and they're beautifully tender." "Ma, is supper in the pot?" "No, it's in the bear." " Ma, I'm hungry." " Me too." " Me too." " What are we gonna do?" " Say, I got an idea." " What?" " We'll eat with Cohen." " Oh, goody." "We're gonna eat with Mr. Cohen!" "No, no." "No, you're" "We're gonna eat with Mr. Cohen!" " We're gonna eat with you, Cohen." "Thank you." "I'm delighted to having you!" "One thing about the Grand Canyon... you don't have to have any books to tell you what it is." "But, Ira, it's so big." "Well, it ain't exactly what you'd call a gully at that." " It's 1 5 miles wide." " And 1 05 miles long." " And over a mile deep." " Yes." "And young man, if there's any doubt in your mind, it's a real canyon." " Who dug it?" " God dug it... and don't you and your pa go criticizing it." "Hey, Ma." "There's an Indian." "Is it a real Indian?" "Hush!" "Do you want to get yourself scalped?" " Hello, neighbor." " How do you do?" " Oh, Missouri, eh?" " Yeah." "We're a long way from home." "Just what I was going to say." "Just what I knew you was gonna say." " Would you like a guide?" " Guide?" "Yes, to show you the canyon." "Show us the canyon, huh?" "You can't very well miss it, can you?" "Say, I carry my own information booth right here with me." "I'll bet you these two can tell you things about your own tribe that you don't even know." " Well, perhaps you would like to take a picture of me." " Oh, I'll take one." "It'll only cost you a half a dollar." "Emily." "Then I think we'll just try and remember how you look." "Pa, why don't you be a guide?" "Yeah, and tell the people about the canyon, like him." "Well, sit down here and tell me about it." "I would, if I knew anything about it." " Well, it's 1 5 miles wide." " And 1 05 miles long." "And over a mile deep." "Now, wait a minute now." "Don't go so fast." " Our geography says it's the most sublime, stupendous, of all" " And colossal." "And colossal of all earthly spectacles." "Now wait." "Let me" " Let me get it right." "It's the most sublime" " Stupendous." " stupendous" " And colossal." " and colossal of all earthly spectacles." "The most sublime, stupendous and" "Well, there she is, folks." "The greatest sight that ever baffled a tourist's eye." "She's 1 5 miles long... she's a mile wide and 1 50 miles deep." "Uh, no, that's too deep." "She's a hundred and" "Well, you can see for yourself that it's no trifling matter." "It's the most, uh, stupendous, colossal... and heroic... human catastrophe." "You see that little stream down in the bottom that looks like a radiator leaking?" "That's the Colorado River." " Can I help you, sir?" " Yes, tremendously." " I'm looking for a family from Missouri with a daughter." " Oh, eh" "New York with a daughter." "Illinois with a daughter." "Alabama with two daughters." "But no Missouri." "Well, let me know when Missouri with a daughter arrives." "Yes, Mr. Denby." "Or is it Major Denby?" "Cadet Denby." "Major Madding of the medical corps is joining us for dinner." "Remember him?" "Yes, indeed." "He did great sanitary work in the Philippines." " General Matthews." " Well, for once you're dressed and on time." " Understand dinner is at 8:30." " Yes, General." "Now, ladies and gentlemen... you've had the wonders of the Grand Canyon explained to you." "Now if you have any friends that are coming this way... why, send them to the old trapper and guide." "I thank you." " Hello, neighbor." " How do you do?" " Policeman?" " No, West Point." "Hey, I'm looking for some information." " Are you familiar with this place?" " Who me?" "Heh!" "I'm a guide here." "I can tell you all about the whole thing." "Explain it all to you." " Cost you a dollar." " Well, fine." " There you are." " You got a camera?" " No, I haven't." " Too bad." "That little outcropping you see right over there in the corner is the Grand Canyon..." " the most colossal of all stupendousness." " How old is the Grand Canyon?" " Huh?" " How old is the Grand Canyon?" "How old?" "Well, the Grand Canyon is, uh-- Well, it's gettin' along in years now." "It's, uh, not as young as it used to be." "And there's the old Colorado River!" "You know, she has a drainage area of 265,000 square miles." "You know how long it took that river to make that excavation?" "Why, eight million years." "And the current velocity of that river is-  well right there-- 25 miles point one-four-six" " Wait a minute." "Here." "Here, you take the money." "No, you keep it." "Tell me, in your explaining the canyon to tourists..." " have you happened acrost a family from Missouri?" " Say, I'm from Missouri." " What kind of family was it?" " Oh, average business people." "The old man's rather wealthy, I imagine." " That wasn't me." "Any other earmarks?" " Well, there's a daughter." "About this tall, very pretty, very witty." "No." "That ain't us." "Say, there's an auto camp over here." "Did you ever go over there?" " There's families from everywhere." " Say, now, that's an idea." "Suppose you show me the auto camp." "I'd rather show you the auto camp than this canyon." "Here." " Take this over to Mrs. Gilroy." " All right." " Oh, here." "I" " Oh, I'm sorry." "It's taken." " Are you cooking for the whole camp?" " Well, you see." "I had some potatoes and carrots, and she had some meat." "So we put them together and gave her half interest in the stew." "Uh-huh." "She has a half interest in the stew, has she?" "Well, you see, in these hard times and days..." "you have to think up all kinds of schemes." " Yes." "In these hard times, you certainly do." " Pardon me." "Oh." " Oh, it's kind of warm, isn't it?" "Mom said to keep out of the dirt today too." " Look at those carrots and meat!" " I see a turnip over there!" "Hey, there, deepness." "Been drowned lately?" "Fine lives I pick out to save." "Do you realize you had a date with me and broke it?" "Well, uh, I" " I didn't know you were a soldier." "Be an officer pretty soon." "Say" " Whew!" "What is this?" "Well, that's, uh-- that's stew." " Stew?" " You see, I'm taking it to a poor woman." "We always like to do nice things for the poor." "Emily!" "Emily!" "Daddy's working." "we're gonna have stew and maybe pie." "I must go." "You see, this poor lady's dreadfully hungry." "Yes, we must go." "I'd like to do something for the dear old soul myself." "Oh, no, no." "Please." "You see, well, she's terribly proud... and she's a direct descendant of GeneralJackson." "Well, it'll never be said that the United States Army... ever turned its back on a relative of GeneralJackson's." "Oh, no, no." "Please." "Uh, theJackson family's terribly sensitive... and, well, she'd be furious." " Please wait till I come back." " But will you come back?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, of course." "I promise." "All right." "So, thought you'd get some stew, didn't you?" "Did you ever get full?" "See, I took one side of the camp, and he took the other." "But I can't find a soul from Missouri nowhere around here." "Say, Ma, that sure smells good." "Oh, hello, General." "Have any luck?" " Well, I'm just waiting to find out." " Uh, this is, uh" " This is my wife." " Denby." "Harvey Denby." "Here, uh" " Here." "Sit down." "Sit down." "Well, I-- I was waiting for someone." "That's all right." "May as well wait here." "Thanks." "My, that's a lovely ensemble." " Braided." " How did you know what it was, Ma?" "I thought it was a kind of a xylophone." "Well, Miss Gilroy's found out about the ham." "Oh, Emily, I want you to meet my friend here, the general." "Uh, General, meet my daughter, Emily." "Say, do you know any family here from Missouri in the camp?" "The general here's lookin' for one." "well, I don't think I'll look any further." "That's great." "You can stay here and have supper with us." "Oh, that's all right, honey." "Why, the general don't mind that." "You know, Ma and Emily think maybe they wouldn't have enough to eat." "But, say, we're going along fine from now on." "Made three bucks today, includin' the one the general gave me." "General, I want you to meet the twinsies here." "That's Minnie and Winnie." "Winnie and Minnie." " How do you do, General?" " How do you do, girls?" " A-And here's Little Ira." " Are you a real general?" "No." "Not quite." "Say, you're a husky little fella, aren't you?" "I'll bet you don't mind being away from home at all." "We ain't got no home." "We got put out of our home." "That's the reason we're traveling this way." "Well, I know how that is." "Sometimes I feel terrible going to West Point... and my poor mother working as hard as she does." "Oh, that's too bad." "What kind of work does your mother do?" "Uhh, she's a fish peeler." "Uh, she peels fish in a salmon factory in Hoboken." "Uh, salmon in Hoboken?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, indeed." "They only discovered them recently." " Millions of them." " Emily, set the table." "Let me help you." "I'm the best little table-setter you ever saw." "We learn all this at West Point." "Where's the silver?" "Uh, silver?" "Do you mean the knives and forks?" " Well, we're pretty low on them." " It's hard to keep silver... traveling' around the country like we do." " We eat with our fingers." " Ira!" "Ah, that's the way we do it at West Point." "Say, you're quite a soldier, son." "That West Point must be a great school." "'Cause I know the kind of a car you drove up here in." "And I've heard them tell about what important people you and your uncle are." " What I want to know is why did you do this?" " Shh." "She's the girl from Missouri." " Well, I'll be da" " Ira!" "Well, I suppose dinner's ready." "Oh, such as it is." " We're gonna have stew!" " Yep." "Y-Yes." "I wish we was gonna have some of that Hoboken salmon." " Now what are you gonna do?" " Well, I'm joining up with the Skitch family." " I'm gonna make the rest of the trip by motorcycle." " Ye gods, a motorcycle." "Riding one of is like sitting on a picket fence firing a machine gun." "Oh, you don't mind, do you, Uncle?" "No, I suppose not." "I'll bet my eagles that girl's stuck on you." "I sure hope you're right!" "Three years ago I built the first cabin." "Now I got nearly a hundred of'em." "This is more than an auto camp." "It's a health resort." "California, my friend." "Breathe that air." "Go ahead." "Breathe it." "Breathe it." "Say, that don't taste bad at that." "You don't mind if I have another little whiff, do you?" "Say, you ain't breathed nothing yet." "Wait till you catch that air a-comin' across the desert." "That's breathin'!" "You all do a lot of breathin' out here, don't you?" "Course with the amount of exhaling', why, you naturally got to do a lot of breathing." "Yes, sir." "We get it comin' and going." "This is a glorious country!" "Look at that sun." "Just look at that sun." "That--That is a hefty sun." "You know, uh, I like the way you've been able to get it... you know, kind of rounded out like that." " Now, in Missouri, we've got a sun" " Yes, but not that sun!" "Oh, no." "No such sun as that." "But just for a little corncob state, you know... why, we've got a nice little sun there, you know." "Just local." "Now, I'd love to stay out here and enjoy all these things." "But I've got four children and six pups." "Look at them people." "Look at 'em eat." "Strangers yesterday." "Today, lifelong friends." "We tell 'em what to eat too." "That's our specialty-- tellin 'em what to eat." "You tell 'em how to get it?" "Hey, you know something?" "You'd make a wonderful C.M." "Everything in this country now is run by initials." " What is a C.M.?" " Contact man." " Oh." "Just get out among the folks." "Make 'em, uh, welcome." "Meets the new customers, and sees to it they meet people who are made comfortable." "This business has been growin' every year." "Now, what I need is a partner like you-- a man with a personality." "Say, you and me, we could double this business in a year." " Yeah?" " Yeah!" "You're just the kind of a man I need." "Now, uh-- how much could you invest?" "Well, right now, I could invest 60 cents." "You know, I'm lookin' for a job... to get my family lodgings for tonight." "Well, I don't know about that." "What can you do?" "For 20 years in Missouri, I run a fix-it shop." " I can fix anything." " Say, did you ever wait on table?" " I've waited at one a lot." " Nah, nah." "One of the waiters down at the Palms is sick." " What's the Palms?" " Palms?" "The swankiest gambling casino in the West." "Right across the borderline over there in Nevada." "I think I can get that waiter to lend you his tuxedo." "You gotta be swell though." "All the waiters are Englishmen." "Can you act like an Englishman?" "If I can get my family something to eat, I can act like a Chinaman." "Is that good beer?" "I said, is that good beer?" "Yes, sir." "That's what I'd call splendid beer." "I wonder if I could get some of it." "That's a good boy." " There's a dollar for you." " Thank you very much." "Oh, go on." "Give him another buck." "He's a nice guy." "In these days and times... we have to think of all kinds of schemes." "Amscray, umpchay." " Umpchay." " Umpchay?" "Oh, Mr. Umpchay." "I'm glad to meet you, sir." "I'm glad to meet you." " Uh-huh." "Cheerio." " Cheerio." " Cheerio, Mr. Umpchay." " Cheerio." "You got 'em that time, Mr. Merriweather." "Fifty bucks at 3 5-to-1 ." "Not bad!" "The greatest gambler west of the Mississippi." "What--What number did you use?" "Good ol' 27, right there." " Let her roll!" " Nobody's gonna use it this time?" "Get on." "Get on." "Let her roll." " I'm the greatest gambler west of the Mississippi." " Twenty-seven on the red." " One of my favorite numbers." "Friend, with your good looks and my natural ability..." " we should consolidate." " There you are." " How much?" " Seventy dollars." " Wanna let it ride?" " Why not?" " If nobody's using it." " Okay." "Sucker." "There you are, sir." "$2,520." "The yellows are at $20 apiece." "Merriweather's my name." "I'm in the hammer-handle business." "I'm always happy to meet up with a gambler of the old school." " Where you from, friend?" " I'm from Missouri." "Wait a minute." "Hey, waiter." "I always make it a point to take a drink whenever I hear the sacred name of Missouri." " Same?" " Same." "Ah." "To Missouri." "Well, it'd be almost sacrilegious not to drink to my old state of Missouri." " Missouri." " Missouri." "Say, that-- that sort of warms you up." " Uh, where are you from?" " Indiana." "Hey, waiter." "I always make it a point to take a drink whenever I hear the hallowed name of Indiana." "Well, I" " The same?" " I'm not a drinking man myself, but, uh..." "I've got great respect for that wonderful state of old Indiana." " To Indiana." " Indiana." "Drink her down." "Ira, not so fast." " Having a good time?" " Oh, yes." " Is he huggin' her?" " Ira." " Course he ain't." " They're dancing." " Well, can't they dance without him hugging' her?" " Go for a walk?" " Yes, let's do." "Gee, Emily." "Look at that." "They say those two big cliffs on either side are Indian gods... watching over lovers in the valley." "This place is beautiful." "So are you." " Please don't do that." " Why?" "Because it's cheap, that's why." "You're not by any chance hoarding your kisses..." " for somebody back in Missouri, are you?" " No." "Well, one thing about you, you certainly know how to say no." "Haven't you ever thought of falling in love?" " I'm through with love." " Through with it?" "I didn't know you'd ever started it." "I've had all the experience I want with men." " The world will never know what I've been through." " So, that's it." "Come on." "Sit down and tell the old general all about it." "Here." "Now break down and confess everything." "What did this egg do to you?" " Well, he was very rich and" " And you were very poor." " Yes." " Well, what difference did that make?" "It made a lot... to him." " But it doesn't to me." " Oh, but you're not rich." "No, of course not." "I mean, uh... if I were very rich and you were very poor, I" "Well, you're too young to know what I'm talking about." "Who's too young?" "I'm not young." "I'm not too young for anything." "Understand?" " Anything." " Okay." "I'm sorry." "Well?" " Haven't you anything to say?" " Ooh, I've been taught to listen... in the presence of elderly people." "Listen, Grandma." "I love you." " Me?" " Yes, you." "But it's too late." "Can't you understand?" "The thing that was once me has been crushed." "There's hardly anything left of me." "Hardly anything." "There's enough left for me." "But I tell you, I" "I haven't any use for men." " Mr. Stitch?" " Skitch." "You're the greatest gambler west of the Mississippi." " Do you want us to lift the limit for you?" " No." "Don't get my mind off." " I ain't got my tray full yet." " Say, man." "You've got more luck than a hog in a potato patch." " How do you hit 'em that way?" " My name's Merriweather" " Southbend Hammer Handles Merriweather." " Crenshaw's my name, sir." " Where are you from, Mr. Crenshaw?" " Alabama." "Oh." "Hey, waiter." "I always make it a point to take a drink whenever I hear the venerable name of Alabama." " Come on." " Same?" " Stitch." " Same." " Alabama." " How-How" " How many sta" " Forty-eight states?" "Just 48." "Too bad." "There's the store, Mattie." "Now go right in there and buy anything you want." " The sky is the limit." " But" " Look at that." "See that?" " Ira." " Do you think we can afford to be so reckless?" " Why, sure we can." "We can afford to be anything now." "We can afford to be natural." "Lookee here." "$3,000 I won." "It'll only take $2,300 to get the old house back." "About $300 to get the furniture and get us back home." "Here, go ahead!" " I want a Scotch suit!" " I want some shorts!" " I want some shorts!" " Get 'em anything they want." "I want an Indian suit!" "I want a real Indian suit!" "Oh, Ira." "I think you're wonderful." "I didn't know you were smart enough to win so much money." "All you do is, uh,just put the money down there." " And let it stay." " Well, how did you figure it out?" "Well, I just brought common sense into gambling', that's all." "Just put it there and let it stay." "Nobody'd ever thought of that before." "It's too bad, Ira, you didn't win $500 more." "You could have bought that new Buick you were looking at." "That's right." "Never thought of that." "Gee, hon." "I'd love to drive into Flat River... in a swell new car and show those folks somethin'." "You bet I'd like to show 'em a thing or two, too, for Emily's sake." " You think 500 more would do it?" " Oh, yes." "Easy." "Listen, you go right in that store, and you get all those outfits for you." "And then go down by that Buick place... and tell that guy to hold that car till I come back." "But, Ira, where are you going?" "Going right back over to that casino, and I'm gonna pick up $500..." "just like that." " Oh, but do you think you can do it?" "You know what they call me over there now in that casino?" "The biggest gambler west of the Mississippi River." "And before I get through with 'em..." "I'll be the biggest one west of the Hudson River." " I'm gonna take in more money and more territory." " Oh, Ira." "Well, come on, children." "Let's go in." " A little service, please." " Oh, well, yes, Madam?" "Oh, I'm in a dreadful hurry and, oh, so many purchases to make." " Well, um" " Well, yes, Madam." "Where shall we start?" "Well, anywhere." "I need everything!" "Well, uh, this way please." "Whoo, boy!" "A little inexperienced yet." " When'll I see you?" " Dinnertime at the auto camp." " I have so many things to buy." " Okay." "And I'll take these outfits too." "Now, run along, children." " Get into your old duds." " Oh, why not just let them wear them?" "Oh, well, I didn't bring any money along." "It's such a bother." "Just send them C.O.D." "Ah, well,just a moment." " Oh, uh, Mr. Fiedler!" " Oh." "Uh, Mrs. Skitch wants these C.O.D." " Oh, Ira Skitch, eh?" " Yes." "That would be okay, Mrs. Skitch." "I, uh" "I met your husband at the Palms last night." "Yes, he is quite a gambler." "Oh, the greatest west of the Mississippi." " Indeed." " Oh, yes." "Little Ira, remember you're a Skitch." "Where's your mannerisms?" " Where are you going?" " Oh, I was just going to see if Harvey's back." "No." "You're gonna stay and wait till your father comes home." " He's got a surprise for you." " Oh, what?" "Well, I'm not gonna tell you." "Oh, tell me just a little bit, and let me guess the rest." "Well, it's shiny, and it's got wheels and some seats." " But I'm not gonna tell you any more." " It's an automobile." "How did you guess?" " Mattie." " There you are, dear." " Take off them clothes." " What's the matter, Ira?" "Come on." "Hurry up, and take off them clothes before you get 'em dirty." "Now, please." "Don't argue with me." "Don't argue with your daddy." "Go on and do what I tell you, will you?" "Please." " We gotta get out of here." " Didn't you win the $500?" " No." " Well, that's all right." "The 3,000 will be enough." "You mean, it would have been enough." " Well, didn't you let it stay there?" " That's just what I did." "I let it stay there." "Cohen, there's something I want you to do for me right away." " Certainly." " You've got to keep it secret." "This is in confidence." " My lips are sealing wax." " I don't suppose you know it." " But I'm in love with Emily." " You don't give me" " I always" "Never mind." "I wanna do something for the family." " But you know them." " Do I know that family?" "I could" " Shut up." " Who said something?" " Now, listen." "I've got a lot of money" " Yeah?" "Well, get this straight." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." " You got that straight?" " Straight like anything." "Now, Cohen, don't fail!" "I never had a failure." "Bride, groom... fellow citizens of Flat River, Missouri... guests of the Skitch Auto Camp... the greatest auto camp west of the Mississippi River." "A wife is a wonderful thing." "And-And no husband should be without one." "Now, Harvey, I want to give you a bit of advice... from an old veteran husband to an amateur." "The most dangerous year in married life is the first." "Then comes the second and the third... and the fourth and on down." "Marriage is an institution." "I've been an inmate of that institution... long enough to know that the most successful marriage... is one where the wife is the boss, but she don't know it." "Ah, it's good to back here." "I had to go clear to California to get back here to Flat River, Missouri." "Ah, California, California." "There's a wonderful state." " California." " It has the longest coastline in the United States." "And it produces four million bushels of citrus fruit every year." " Girls" " Ma, will you shut off that junior chamber of commerce?" "That's enough now." "Now, as I was telling you about California..." " California's the gr" " Dad." " Huh?" " We have to make our train." "Oh." "Good-bye, honey." "Good-bye." "Here, General, come here." "I want you to know that I appreciate this... what you and Cohen have done." " Someday I'm gonna pay you back." " That's all right, Dad." "Forget about it." "Look what you've done for me." "Remember, Emily." "You're still a Skitch." " Of course." "I'll write to you." " Good-bye, Ma." "We'll send you a wire." "Good-bye." "Good-bye, girls." " Come on, darling." " Good-bye!" " Good-bye!" "Hush, children." "Come on." "Hello, hello, hello!" "Look how happy everybody is." "You should hear what happened by us." " What's the matter?" "Did you have an accident?" " No, we didn't have to do it." "Course, we didn't have to do it." "Look." " Sure, we did it on purpose." " Oh!" "Say, now you are a silent partner." "I hope you'll be as happy as I am."