"There was a bit of a shake-up on stage... at a recent Trayne Crostown concert." "The culprit?" "Burnin' Vernon Brown." "Am I the only one who thought this guy was dead?" "And apparently the deadbeat didn't know... he had a 15-year-old daughter." "I don't blame her for selling him out at all." "So apparently his daughter sold him out in one of her 'zines?" "Anyway, this guy not only went to jail... for crashing into a church... but convinced that very same church... that he should be their preacher!" "What?" "Wonder how that interview went..." ""Do you have any prior experience, sir?"" ""Ah, yeah, I took a crash course about a year ago."" "Well, now, I didn't expect to see you here." "Sorry, I treated you like crap, man." "I guess I just got caught up in the spotlight." "Either way, man, I'm sorry, buddy." "We're cool, man." "But you didn't have to act like such a jackass?" "Well, that'd be like askin' a bird not to fly." "So you need a ride or what?" "I don't think you got enough gas in that thing... to take me where I'm headed." "Thought you might say that." " So I guess I'll see ya around." " Hey..." "Thanks for bailing me out of jail." "It's tit for tat, my friend." "It's tit for tat." "Ronnie?" "Ronnie, have you seen my aqua high heels?" "What is that, like water shoes?" "Aqua, it's a color." "Oh, that makes sense... so where you goin'?" "To shoot the Pool and Spa Depot commercial." "Because I'm the new girl." "I've told you like ten times." "I guess I'll get that." "Oh, thanks, babe." "Hey, is Charlotte home?" " Dallas, right?" " Yeah." " She's in her room." " Thanks." "Hang on... don't get any ideas." "And keep the door open!" "Hi... can I come in?" "Yeah." "So, I just wanted to... about the other night..." "My dad's an ass." "He wrecked your show and you got upset, I get it." "Apology accepted." "Don't worry, she's not gonna come in." "You better not be kissin' in there!" "Mom, we're not!" "We're getting so much exposure from your article." "It's all over the internet." "What article?" "Your article, about your dad?" "What?" "Yeah, just search our band and your Dad's name." "Wait, Yon?" "That's the guy I met at the concert with my dad." "How did you find out about this?" "Uh, Asher called me, freaking out in a good way for once." "Y'all keeping it PG-13 in here?" "Mom, what did you do with the article I showed you?" "!" "I gave it to your dad." "Sweetie, he needed to know how you feel." "Mom, why would you do that?" "Mom!" "Listen, folks, we are trying to get answers... as soon as we know something we're gonna fill everybody in." "We've been coming in here every Sunday... listening to some con-man!" "Giving him our hard-earned money!" "Yeah, probably spent it on loose women and angel dust!" "Lottie!" "Listen, I don't know where Vernon is, but please... there's no need to get yourselves all worked up!" "We just wanna know what your plan is... to deal with this situation." "Yeah!" "I'll look into it." "Hey, Curtis, I gotta go." "For good." "Sorry for screwing up your church." "You were always so good to me, and I won't forget that." "They say love is blind... and if so, then your love is the blindest of all... which reminds me, you can't read this." "So when you find this note, have Laura Beth read it to you." "Damn it..." "Dear Laura Beth, please read this to Curtis... and give him these sunglasses for me." "His eyes always kind of freaked me out." "Oh, and follow your dreams." " Don't make any plans." " Whatever." "Excuse me, sir?" "Yeah." "You live here?" "Yeah, yeah, this is my castle." "Have you ever seen any suspicious activity next door?" "Nope, ah, well, I saw Janine mowin' her lawn in a Snuggie once, kinda weird." "I'm talking about any large shipments... moving in and out of the home." "Ooh, uh, Ronnie ain't no snitch, pal." "What's this about?" "Can't say, last question... whose boat is this?" "It is equally on yours and his properties." "Sir, the boat... is it yours?" "I'm assuming it's yours?" "Yep, yep, she's a beaut!" "I like to keep her waxed, you know... probably do a biweekly application." "Fascinating." "Get it off his yard." " Yes, sir." " Don't be that neighbor." "Okay, thank you, sir." "Sorry, sir." "Time for Elvis to leave the building... and possibly the country the building is in." "This old dog's gonna break out and roll on." "Just me and the open road." "You gave Yon the article?" "Why would you do that?" "Giving him that article was a stupid thing to do!" "I've been doin' stupid things for well over 40 years..." "I figured why stop my streak now." "You know, I was..." "I was just really upset." "You know, I never meant to get you busted." "I'll call them and tell them I had the whole thing made up." "I'll be fine." "Besides, you deserve all the good... that comes outta that article." "And I deserve all the rest." "You're running, aren't you?" "Actually figured I'd drive." "I'm serious." "Where are you going?" "Ain't figured that out yet." "But we both know I can't stay here." "Besides, what good am I to you in jail?" "What good are you to me gone?" "Look at ya... you're beautiful, smart, funny." "You were that way when I got here." "Sometimes I think maybe you'd have been better off... if I'd never showed up." "Shouldn't that be my choice?" "I wish it was." "You take care of your momma, and be good to Ronnie." "No promises." "Take care of yourself, honey." " And follow..." " Follow my dreams, I know." "Folks, welcome to a very special edition of Onboard with Ronnie." "With me, your host, Ronnie and my brand, new boat." "That's right, folks, Ronnie got a boat." "Little piece of advice for all you non-boat owners out there." "Boating is a lot like hunting." "There is no right time of year, you got a boat, you boat." "Uh, your boat..." "Yeah, great boat." "Yeah, no, Ronnie, your boat, she's fleeing." " Let's tighten up on there." " No, no, Ronnie, your boat..." "Oh,!" "Before you shove off, you gotta christen and name your boat." "Uh, Mr. Ronnie, I think you're supposed to... make the name a water pun?" "She... is named Max Force!" "Taylor, tighten up." "Anyway, you bring that bottle of champagne to christen this baby?" " I didn't." " I have a bottle, it's a..." "This ain't no bubbly." "What the hell is this?" "It's a Mexican soda." "It's got real cane sugar in it... instead of artificial sweeteners." "So, it's actually better for you." "What the hell is this made of?" "Mexican glass... it's hard." "All right, to hell with the christening, I'm out of here!" "It's actually considered bad luck by many... to not christen a vessel before it embarks." "I wouldn't do it." "So long, suckers!" "Agh!" "Agh!" "Yeah, bye, Mr. Ronnie!" "Cheerio, losers!" "If you could just unhitch." "Yeah, just get a little push." "Yeah, right there." "Hey, Big E, look, you suppose you could... lend an old-timer a couple bucks?" "I'm trying to get to a gig in Tulsa." "Ah, great." "You all right there, son?" "You look a little lost." "Yeah, I just remembered something I forgot." "Never too late to go back and get it, amigo." "So he's just gonna run from the cops forever?" "Sounds exhausting." "I just hope I get to see him again." "Dad?" "What are you doing?" "I don't want to miss out on any more of your life." "Well, what about jail?" "Jail I can handle, it's the running I'm tired of." "I love you guys." "We're gonna make sure that everyone has a chance... to be heard, now just one at a time." "I'm gonna stand right here until I get some answers." "And I'm not leaving 'til I get my donations money back." "And I'm not coming down until I get more pudding'!" "You bunch of Communists!" "Y'all, listen, we can't help if you won't listen to reason, now." "By now, I'm sure a lot of you... may have read my daughter's words." "What she didn't write and what she probably doesn't know... is that I was afraid." "I've done so many selfish things, I mean... there ain't no way I could ever pay them all back." "I've been untruthful to each and every one of you." "'Cause the truth is, I ain't nothing but a liar." "So I figure now, least I can do... is stand here and accept my judgment." "Now just one minute, Preacher Johnson." "The first time you showed up here spouting out all that... crazy brand of preaching..." "That didn't always make any sense." "We didn't know what to do with you." "And now this?" "Well, it just don't sit right." "He thought I was a dang ghost!" "Right." "Vernon Brown!" "You got some explaining to do!" "You know I came into this church and I met a man..." "I thought was a preacher!" "That's my wrestler voice." "What do you think?" "Pretty dang good." "Yeah." "Well, I just wanted to come in here and say thank you... to this man." "I mean, he told me I should follow my dreams." "Not my dad's or my granddad's, but my own!" "And by God, I did." "Now I'm kicking ass and taking names for Jesus!" "Spreading the gospel one body slam at a time, amen." " Amen." " Amen." "That man up there taught me how to express myself... and not worry about what a cake looks like on the outside... even if it is a little curvy... that don't mean it ain't as sweet as can be deep down." "He scared my friends and I out of doing drugs... and I'm never getting married." "He showed us that our marriage was a sham... and that we were just going through the motions." "And now, we're pretty damn good friends." "Right on, Mr. Lancaster!" "There's an old saying in my neighborhood..." ""even a cricket won't pass up an old cracker..." ""if he ain't got no grass in his lunch pail."" "I know I'm a gossip, been known to have a couple too many... brandies every once in a while... but I also know that the reason we come to this wooden box... every Sunday is to remind each other to judge not... lest ye be judged." "Amen." "Hey, everybody, I'm sure by now you've heard the news... and probably know I'm not just a convict named Vernon... here to do community service to stay out of jail... but I'm actually an ex-country singer... who had a big hit back in the day." "Walt..." "But now I make a living impersonating Elvis Presley... traveling from town to town..." "Walt, they know everything." "They know you're not Vernon Brown." "Wow... man, oh, man." "In all of my years of being a parole officer..." "I've never seen one man touch so many people." "You've touched men, you've touched women... you've touched awkward teens here... you know what, you even touched me." "And I believe he deserves a second chance!" "I'd go for that!" "Ain't that just good as Granny's grits." "But Mr. Doily ain't got no jurisdiction in here." "Y'all know how many state and federal laws... this man has violated?" "And now, Vernon, your ass is going to jail, buddy." "Frank, he's my parolee." "I'll cuff him." "All right, Mitch, you go ahead." "Sorry, buddy." "Sorry..." "let's go." "It's okay." "Hey, man, I'll miss ya." "Thank you, bud." "Walt, you ain't gonna miss him... 'cause your dumb ass is going with him." "Aiding and abetting a criminal, conspiracy to commit fraud... don't you know those are serious crimes, son?" "I mean..." "Yeah, well, you're under arrest, too." "Put your hands behind your back." " This sucks." " Let's go." "There was a time... that I thought fate had a sense of humor... and I was the only one not in on the joke." "Nowadays it seems like it ain't just me... everybody has their own unique punch line ." "Deb, you're beautiful." "Thank you." "Where's the merchandise, Stan?" "Or should I call you, "Catfish""" "I don't have a clue what you're talking about... and even if I did... trust me, you'd never find it." "Like gears in some giant, cosmic engine... each one with its own torque... pulling fate along with them at different speeds... each person crankin' on fate's throttle differently." "And... action, Deb!" "According to how sure... they are where they're going." "Deb, action." "or how sure they are about where they've been." "Okay, uh, cut!" "Okay, listen, let's all take five minutes." "Let me be the first to address the elephant in the room... and say that it's really gonna suck that this is gonna be... our last pizza party for a little while." "You said it, hombre." "Hey, you know what?" "I'll be out of there before you can say... pepperoni, mushroom, thin crust, extra mozzarella." "Pepperoni, mushroom, thin crust, extra mozzarella." "Hah, maybe not quite that fast." "No ing way." "Hey, can I get a slice?" "This is some seriously good pizza." "Life ends up being more... of a negotiation than a rulebook... according to how much you give, and how much you take in life." " Ah, cheers, friend." " Cheers!" " To good time." " Mm-hm." "Oh, !" "No!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "What is that?" "Holy crap!" "What happened?" "I like to think that you can... pretty much choose where you end up." "Don't do it, Vernon!" "Vernon!" "Vernon!"