"Ray?" "Are you urinating in the lake?" "Is there a problem?" "It's illegal, Ray." "Think of the lakefront property owners." "Or the children who swim in the lake." "Look, Koontz, I've been living here since I was 3." "I've been pissing in this lake since before you even heard of Michigan." "I was freezing my nuts off." "I didn't feel like walking to the house." " What are you doing out watching me?" " I am not watching you." "I get up early every morning to exercise on my treadmill, Ray." "I sincerely hope that you won't break the law again." "God." "She's 16." "Now, we can't force them to do what they don't want to do." "I mean, Christ, you remember when we were 16." "Fine, I should be happy with one of my kids dating a guy named Hammer and the other listening to death music." "You've got too much time on your hands." "Don't you get it?" "They don't need you, they don't need me." "They think we're a pain." "Would you stop acting like their buddy?" "This is the danger zone, Ray." " Try to think of our kids." " All I do is think of our kids." "You have no idea what I do for those kids." "I'm late for my booster meeting." "Fuck you." "If I had a dollar for every time I saw her walk away." " Don't be so pissy, Ray." " Fine." "Just give me my wallet back." "Just be nice." "Hi." "Is Lenore in?" "Lenore who?" "Lenore." "Isn't this her house?" "This is the Libinsky residence." "I'm Dan Libinsky." "Can I help you?" " She doesn't even live here." " I'm sorry." "It's the wrong address." " Sorry." " Oh, my God." "Sorry." "Ray, just calm down." "There are 50 fricking Bernards in here." "No Lenore Bernard." "There's L. Bernard." "There's no-name Bernard." "Would you like some valerian tea?" "Because it will calm you down." "She..." "She never said that it was her house, Ray." "We just assumed." "And we..." "We shouldn't have assumed." "Oh, you know what?" "I think that's her right now." "I had sex with her in that guy's living room." " Hello?" " Hello, Tanya?" "It's Floyd Gerber from The Wealth Whiz." " How are you this evening?" " I'm good." " You tell her we could have been arrested." " Shut..." " Tanya?" " I'm good." "I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me." "On Friday?" "Greek food." "Where's my wallet?" " Consider it and get back to me." " Okay." "What did she say?" "That wasn't her." "I think I was just asked out." "Great." "I can see you're really focused on our problem here." "You're blowing this way out of proportion." " She was probably house-sitting." " House-sitting?" "Does Lenore seem like the house-sitting type?" "Right, so it's a small mystery." "It's a small mystery and I will get to the bottom of it." "I will find Lenore." "I'm on the case." "I will handle it." "And I will get your precious little wallet back." "And when I do, I expect you to cheer the hell up." "Okay?" "Are you the property owner, sir?" "Yeah." "We've had a public-indecency complaint." "The caller said a gentleman was urinating in the yard." "What, it's against the law to urinate now?" "No, sir, but it is illegal to urinate in public." "Did this caller leave a name?" "No, sir." "That's too bad." "If only this anonymous caller had a shred of proof you might have a case." " It's too bad he's anonymous." " Are you living in the tent, sir?" "I see you have a microwave oven hooked up here." "This neighborhood isn't zoned for temporary structures." "It's a tent, guys." "I'm airing it out." "Well, if it stays up longer than a week, it's a zoning violation." "And you're going to have to file notice." "Good to know that, ma'am." "Now if you don't mind getting off my property." "If you've got an itch, you know where to scratch." "Yeah, I know where to scratch but I'm not sure if you got my other messages." "I'm sure you wouldn't be ignoring me so I wonder if maybe they're getting lost or is there some system-wide voicemail malfunction in Michigan..." "The whole greater area?" "I must have left at least five by now." "So anyway, whatever." "Whatever, whatever." "Anyway, I need to hook up with you at some point today." "I need to pick up Ray's wallet." "You know, he left it there." "Did you see it?" "Have you seen it there somewhere?" "It's brown." "Has his ID." "I hope you call me back soon, Lenore because you know how guys can be about their..." "About their wallets." "You know, they get hysterical when they lose stuff." "I mean, I lose stuff all the time, and I don't care." "I just..." "But, you know guys are weird." "Hey." " Did you bring the bagels?" " What?" "The bagels for brunch." " I've been trying to reach you." " Yeah, I don't know what..." "What is up with your service provider." "I call you back." "Obviously you got the brunch invitation." "Lenore, I didn't know you were having brunch." "Now look, I've had a really rough week and I had to find your address in the phone book." "So I just need to know." "Do you have Ray's wallet or not?" "Tanya, I don't like your tone." " What tone?" " I invite you over and you show up with a lot of fucked-up energy like I'm some sort of thief or something." "Whose house was it?" " What?" " The house that you had sex with him in." "As it so happens, I was house-sitting for a client." "T-Brain, do you really think I need to steal from you or your friends?" "I don't know." "Here." "I hope the negativity was worth it." "It's empty." " So?" " Well..." " Okay, I really don't need this right now." " I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to imply that..." "I don't know how things got so complicated." "I should have just brought bagels, right?" "I'm not that inclined to invite you to my party anymore, Tanya." "Okay." "That's cool." "So how was it?" " How was what?" " The sex." " It was good." " Great." "That's great." "So what do you think?" "Maybe $500?" "Four?" " What are you talking about?" " The compensation." "We said it would be "pay what you will."" "What?" "You said it was a free sample." "No, Lenore, we said that the price would be based on performance." "We don't do free samples." "I very clearly stated that it would be "pay what you will."" "Then I'll pay zero." "That's what I will." "So I made 300 bucks?" "Congratulations, Happiness Consultant." " Wait, wait, how much did you take?" " I took 25 percent." "I thought that was a good compromise." " So I guess that means she liked it, huh?" " Yeah." "She loved it, Ray." "I told you." "You have great potential for this." "Yeah." "Maybe I do." "Maybe I got, like, a God-given talent, huh?" "Oh, Tanya, this is great." "So is she gonna recommend me to her friends or her clients or?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "No, maybe." "I think so." "I mean, look, either way, we are off to a brilliant start." "So..." "Smoke and mirrors." "Mom, they're helpless animals." "Those dogs are trained to limp." "If you want kids to like you get a puppy, not some actor dog." "I don't care if the kids like me." "I've been begging them for two years to like me, and apparently I'm just a pain." "Screw the kids." "I'm doing this for myself." "Oh, I'm sorry, I said no anchovies." "I can't even stand to smell them on my lettuce." "You see there?" "That's the Tanya I admire." "The Tanya I see glimmers of in class." " What?" " You're assertive, clear, very focused." "Like an eagle." "I think your Lyric Bread just might be a phenomenon." "A home run, Tanya." "If you apply yourself, I sense something big." "A grand slam." "You like baseball metaphors." "To tell you the truth, I've been a little distracted lately and I haven't been working on Lyric Bread." "I know." "You do?" "I can sense it." "You've got this little piece of gold, but you're afraid of it." "That's why I asked you to dinner tonight." "Look, of course you are a beautiful woman." "Any man in his right mind would die to have dinner with you." "Thank you." "Look, I'm a hundred years older." "I can't compete with the young Turks." "I don't even try." "But what I can do is recognize talent and encourage you to remove the obstacles and follow your dreams." "Gosh." " Well, thank you." " Yeah." " Sorry." " How can I help and encourage you?" "I want the Tanya flower to blossom, not wilt." "The Tanya flower." "What's stopping you from opening a bakery tomorrow?" "An advisor?" "I'm willing to be that advisor." "No, it's just I've been working on a joint project with a student of yours." "Former student, Ray Drecker?" "I don't know if you remember him." "He came to a few classes." " The dropout?" " Yeah." " He did drop out." " Yeah, I think that says it all, Tanya." "Ray Drecker dropped out." "He's a dropout." "You're not." "It's really sweet of you to come all this way." "Oh, don't be silly." "It is not in my DNA to just wave goodbye to a stunning woman after a meal." "Well, that's really sweet." "It's unnecessary, but..." " Ray?" " Tanya." " Ray, you remember Floyd." " Hi, Floyd." "Ray." "We've missed you in class." "I'll be going, Tanya." "I don't want to get involved in a lovers' quarrel." "Oh, no, there's no lovers' quarrel." "We're not lovers." "There's clearly an energy, so..." "Would you like to come in and have tea?" "No, no, no, I can't impose." "Good night." "You were gonna invite that guy in?" " Sometimes tea is just tea, Ray." " Not in your world." "You know what?" "In fact, I think the guy is sweet." "And actually, I made a New Year's resolution not to disregard someone just because he's not some masculine ideal." "Because I find that most of the good-Iooking guys are all jerks." "Let's change the subject, Tanya." "Somebody put $400 on my credit cards." "Now I'm over the limit." " That's horrible." " Yeah." "And I gotta say, it's either Lenore or it's you." "Me?" "Oh, my God." "I'm the last person who would steal money from you." "I don't know that." "I'm..." "I don't even know if I'm coming or going here." "Ray, she didn't pay you anything." "I messed up, okay?" "She paid zero." "So how...?" "How did I...?" "I put it there." "I lied." "You put that money in my wallet?" "You're telling me I fucked that bitch for free?" "Ray, that sounds misogynistic." "Misogynistic?" "Don't even start with that." ""Fuck the bitch?" "I fucked that bitch?"" "Yeah, I fucked that bitch for free and now my credit cards are all maxed out." "Ray, I cannot be partners with someone who hates women." "Hey, hey, hey, I love women, Tanya." "But Lenore is a control-freak, hickey-sucking pain in my ass." " I gave you the money." " Exactly." "What kind of a stupid pimp move is that?" " I did it to make you feel better." " Fuck that." "I don't want your pity." "Let's just face facts here, okay, Tanya?" "You are a horrible pimp." "I am not." "Happiness Consultant?" " Viral marketing?" "What the fuck is that?" " Yeah." " You are the worst pimp in the world." " Fuck you, Ray." " Fuck you." "I am an excellent pimp." " Oh, yeah?" "I quit." "What kind of pimp are you now?" "I can't start with no pay, Ray." "I know, Brian." "I was thinking by maybe next week?" "Maybe sooner, even." "I don't know." "Brian?" "Are you there?" "Look, I got this other job, Ray." "I kind of need to take it." "Yeah, I..." "So much for the wolf-pack price." "Fuck it." "I'll fix it myself." "I didn't even need to go that bad." "But sometimes it's great to piss rather than get pissed on." "Up yours, Koontz." "You hear me?" "Up yours!" "I'm pissing in my lake!" " Well, thanks for coming." " Yeah." "It's always great to walk with a friend." " I mean, I'd like to think we're friends." " Strange friends." "Lots of friends are strange." " Do you forgive me?" " Hey." "I'm not one to hold a grudge." "And thanks for the cookies." "Yeah." "Now take your money back." "No, you earned it, Ray." "It's what she should have paid." " Tanya, forget about it." " No, God." " Come on." "Hey." " No, keep the money." "It happened on my watch." " Tanya?" " I've been..." " You were right." "I've been a terrible pimp." " Jeez." " At least not very excellent." " Well, it's a hard job." "I blew it." "I mean, I thought Lenore would come through." "Instead she ends up stealing your wallet and your underwear and she just lies to me." "God, what is wrong with me?" "Why can't I see people for who they really are?" " It could happen to anybody." " I know, but it happens to me." "Over and over." "My mother was right." "I'm too desperate to be liked." "Your mother said that?" "That's horrible." "Don't go there, Ray." "If it's any consolation I want you to know that I'd do better." "If we ever worked together again..." " Come on, Tanya, let's just drop it." " No, I'm not saying we would." "I just mean I'd improve if we ever did." "Lf." "Hey, Mom?" " You okay?" " I'm great, sweetheart." "So is she, like, diseased or dying or something?" "No, she's just resting." "But she pees on herself." "She's old." "It's mostly water." "We all have our crosses to bear." "Why did you get such an old messed-up dog?" "She needed us." "She was a service dog, and now she's of no service." "That's cool." "Kind of." "She's barely moving." "That's because she has arthritis." "You see the indentions on her neck?" "That's where the harness used to go." "Wanna pet her?" "Okay." " What now?" " We've had another indecency complaint." "Oh, come on, he took pictures of me pissing?" "Who's indecent here?" "Hi there." "Do you have any idea what your husband does at night, Mrs. Koontz?" "He doesn't tell me." "But I doubt he would have..." "Whatever it is." "Howard?" "Ray, I tried to have a man-to-man discussion with you but you scoffed and you scorned me." "You couldn't leave it alone, could you?" "You had to needle and bother..." "I need you to leave, Ray." "I'm asking you very clearly to go home." "Oh, I'm leaving." "But not before I give you this." "Go on." "This better not be dog excrement, Ray." " You know I'm a lawyer." " Open it." " Howard, what if it's a bomb?" " You open it." "Cookies." "They're for you, Koontz." "And you too, Mrs. Koontz." "See?" "Yeah." "I promise they're not poisoned." "Try them." "You might like them." "This might be just the thing our relationship needs." "So consider calling off the dogs, will you?" "Good night." "What dog?" " Hello?" " Hey, babe, it's me." "Go grab a pen." "Lenore?" "Look, I'm sleeping." "All right?" "I don't have a pen nearby." "Come on, T-Brain." "You're proofreading at Wagner  Finch." "What do you want?" "I want you to take down the names and numbers of three financially-comfortable women who are way interested in your service." "I told you I'd recommend him if he was good." "I don't believe you." "Okay, fine." "Do you think I don't know that you stole and maxed out all of Ray's credit cards?" "You're calling me right now as if I'm some gullible fricking idiot." "I maxed him out?" "Shit." "I only took 400 bucks." "It's called a commission, Tanya." "I'm not just gonna ship my clients to you for free." "I took it in advance as any good businesswoman would." " What about the underwear?" " He was a good lay." "Men take women's underwear all the time." "It's a trophy." "Don't tell me you've never had your underwear stolen." " Not that I know of." " Well, maybe you're the exception." "Trust me, T-Brain, it's very common." "Lenore, you know, I used to think you were kind of special." "I think I..." "You know, I even looked up to you." "But your heart, it's just not that big." "Do you want the numbers or not?" "Hey." "Hey, Ray, it's me." "I have three numbers in my hand." "Lenore came through, okay?" "She says they understand they have to pay." "Do I have my finest agent on the case?" "I know, I know, you're my only agent  but no one has to know, all right?" "Anyway, how serious are you about quitting?" "You can't be serious about quitting, because honestly, Ray  I think this could work." "Just think about it." "Are you thinking about it?" "Just think about it, okay?" "That's all I can ask."