"Hello?" "No." "You got the wrong number." "Yeah, but ain't no Thelma here, man." "Jesus!" "I'm comin'!" "What?" "Man, there ain't no Thelma here!" "God." "What?" "Ain't no fuckin' Thelma here, man!" "Look, the bitch don't live here!" "Fuck you too!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "Hello." "I'm Dr. Warren G. Easterbrook," "Chairman of the President's Commission on Education, and I would like to talk to you about an ever-growing problem... the short attention span of today's youth." "Weaned as they are on television, young people today... can't seem to pay attention for more than a few mo..." "Pethouse Video presents an in-depth... up close and personal look... at Pethouse Plaything Taryn Steele." "Oh, so many neat things have happened to me in my life... being named homecoming queen, making the cheerleading squad." "But the neatest thing ever was when I was recently chosen... the Pethouse Plaything of the Month." "But being a Plaything hasn't changed me." "I'm still the same Taryn." "When I was first chosen, I was, like, really immature." "But I've grown so much since then." "I can hardly believe it's me." "I'm a beach person and a night person." "I really feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live in California, 'cause we've got it all..." "the mountains, the sun." "And, like, there's no humidity." "It really blows me away." "Here, out of the public eye, I can just fade into the crowd." "In New York, I get hassled all the time." "I don't understand it." "Laguna offers me peace and solitude... away from the pressure ofbeing a Plaything." "Here in Laguna, I can just let my mind go blank." "Art is my life." "I love to browse Laguna's art galleries, and my dream is to one day... have some of my things hanging here." "But my real strength comes from my family... and my strong religious upbringing." "I'll always be grateful to my mom and dad and the values they've given me, which help me take on the awesome responsibilities... of Plaything of the Month." "Selma, look at this reception." "Beaver, did you bring home a note from your teacher today?" "Oh, no, Dad." "That's one of your jokes I haven't heard before." "Record warm temperatures tomorrow." "Unbelievable!" "Best investment I ever made." "You haven't been out of this house in two weeks." "Lows will warm up just a bit." "What the hell has happened to my remote?" "Sunny skies for the remainder of the day." "Murray?" "Embedded in those clouds." "And here in the southern..." "Excuse me, sir." "We're on the air." "Selma!" "Get me out of here!" "I must've pressed the wrong button." "Murray, what are you doing on the weather?" "I don't know." "Press something." "Bring me back!" "Here!" "Swung on, and it's a high fly ball to center field." "Wait a minute!" "There's a fan on the field!" "¤ Make me wanna stay If this is it ¤" "¤ Doo wah ¤ Now I'm trapped in a rock video!" "Anything but this!" "¤ If this ain't love you better let me go ¤" " ¤ If this is it ¤ - ¤ Doo wah ¤" "Selma!" "Help me!" "¤ If this ain't love, baby ¤ Wait." "Wait." "Selma!" "I'm looking for the booklet." "Oh, no." "I'm in black and white." "Where am I?" "This is what you get for throwing out the directions." "Help!" "Help me!" "Here you can leave me for the night." "You should be so lucky." "Where am I?" "You're on the Disney Channel." "At least I know you won't catch anything there." "Fun is fun, Selma, but I want to come home." "I'm trying." "500 million people are watching via satellite... as the president and first lady deplane for this historic Moscow visit." "They look fit and rested." "Wait a minute." "An unidentified man has emerged from Air Force One." "He seems, believe it or not, to be clad only in his underwear." "The Secret Service have grabbed him." "Where am I?" "I'm innocent!" "But who is he and how did he get on board?" "I was only watching television!" "He appears to be deranged." "Help!" "Selma!" "I'm so proud of you, Brenda, getting through the delivery without any anesthetic." "Well, I had the best Lamaze coach in the world." "When do we get to see the baby?" "It's been eight hours." "Well, you remember the film they showed us in class." "There's all kinds of tests they have to perform on a newborn child." "So..." "That's true." "Ah!" "There's my favorite couple." " Mr. And Mrs. Flanders." " That's Landers." "Right, right." "Flanders is uremic poisoning on 39." " So." " Um..." "Nice stitch work, if I say so myself." "Doctor, we'd like to see our son." "The nurses keep giving us the runaround." "I'd like nothing better than to bring you both your son, but have you looked around this hospital?" "There are sick people here." "I just saw this old guy in the hallway with these gnarly scabs all over his body." "Gross me out!" " I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey..." " Nicholas." "To that." "I've got a solemn oath to uphold here." "Doctor," "Brenda and I are both Lamaze graduates, and we've never heard of quarantining a healthy infant before." "Ooh, Lamaze." "Well, I forgot that you spent three whole weekends sitting on a floor... learning how to breathe." "I had to get by on a degree from Harvard Medical School!" "Please, it's important to us to see our child." "You've heard of bonding." "Uh..." "Doctor." "We'd like to spend a little quality time with our son, please." "A little quality time with your son?" "That would be beautiful." "You people." "What's with that guy?" "Mrs. Fernandez, front desk." "He's supposed to be the top man in his field." "Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey, we're going..." "Nicholas!" "Here we go." " Here's the little tyke." "Okay, that's enough germs." "Wait!" "Wait a minute." "We haven't even seen him yet." "Go ahead, breathe all over him." "I don't care." "What is this, some kind of sick practical joke?" "What are you talking about?" "He's got your eyes." "Take that hideous thing away." "Come on." "They all look like this at first." "You see, when the baby passes through the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy." "He should round out in a couple days." "Promise." "That's not a baby." "That's a Mr. Potato Head." "Harry, call the hospital administrator." "Hey!" "You're right." "This is a Mr. Potato Head." "Gosh, they're so lifelike." "Anybody could've made this mistake." "I'll be right back with the real Nicholas." "Harry, what are they doing to us?" "Calm down, Brenda." "Calm down." "We don't want you to get postpartum anxiety." "Now, as soon as we get our son, I'm going to report this quack." "Thank God you took that assertiveness training course." "Here's the little tyke." "You've been a naughty little baby." "Yes, you have." "Playing peekaboo with Mommy and Daddy." "About time." "Nick, it's your dad." "He's got a strong, determined jaw just like his old man there." " Great." "Now you made him cry." " I don't believe this." "Is this okay?" "Would you rather breast-feed him?" "Get away from me!" "I'm gonna kill you!" "What kind of hospital is this?" "All right, Mr. And Mrs. Lamaze!" "You see, due to a slight clerical error, your son has been temporarily misplaced." " You lost our son?" " Did I say lost?" "I said misplaced!" "I'm suing you for... for malpractice, negligence... you name it!" "Just jump all over me!" "What about the nine kids I didn't lose this week?" "My baby!" "What have they done with my baby?" "It was your fault." "If you hadn't distracted me with that video equipment in the delivery room," "I might not have misplaced your little brat!" " Doctor." "We found him." " See?" "He was down the hall in the laundry hamper." "Oh!" "Oh, he's beautiful." "I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves." "All this hysteria when he was safe and sound not 20 feet from this room." "Doctor, you're due in surgery for that kidney transplant." "Where's the donor organ?" "The donor organ?" "God, I had it with me when I left the house this morning." "Good morning and welcome to Movies Till Sunrise." "Our feature presentation is the 1954 science fiction classic," "Amazon Women on the Moon, starring Laird Granger and Greta Van Zandt, complete and uncut, with no commercial interruptions." "This used to be me." "Old before my years, ignored by women, passed over for promotions." "But now all that has changed." "Hi." "I'm Sy Swerdlow, and I invented the patented process known as "hair looming. "" "If you suffer from premature hair loss, let our team of technicians... visit you in the privacy of your home... so there will be no embarrassment." "You choose from our selection... of over 200 colors and styles." "Then your head will be carpeted... with 100% pure acrylic fiber," "Completely natural-looking." "You can sleep in it." "You can shower in it." "It changed my life, and it'll change yours." "Call toll free... 1- 800-GET-HAIR." "Well, men, I've been studying this map of the lunar surface," "And I've chosen the dark side as our landing site." " So, don't forget your space beams." " Roger, Steve." "Just think, Loony, in less than an hour, we're gonna be on the moon." "The first thing I'm gonna do is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese." "Now, Butch, you know one of the purposes of this mission... is to dispel some of those myths." "Steve, I've got the president on the electro-scan." "Willikers!" "Come in, men of Moon Rocket One." "This is the president of the United States calling from planet Earth." "We read you, Mr. President." "This is Steve Nelson, commander, Moon Rocket One." "Commander Nelson, this is a proud day for all Americans, and this year of 1980 will be remembered as the year... an American first set foot on the moon." "The governors of all 48 states join me... in wishing Godspeed to you... and your handpicked team of scientists." "That's us, Loony." "Thank you, Mr. President." "We're proud to serve our country." "Over and out." "Blackie, neutralize the electro-scan." "Electro-scan neutralized, sir." "There she is, dead ahead!" "It's awesome, isn't it?" "I've got big plans for that piece of real estate." "I'm going to sell advertising space on that." "Just picture this... the world's biggest billboard." "We'll make a bundle." "Hold your horses, Blackie." "This voyage is for the betterment of mankind." "Let's not any of us forget that." "Sure, chief." "There goes my lunch." "It's right up there with my stomach." "Prepare for moon landing." " Initiate rotation system." " Rotation initiated." "Reverse retros." "Retros reversed." "Steve, we're losing pressure in the atom chamber." "If it drops any more, we're goners." "Quick, Blackie, switch to the emergency... ¤ Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree ¤" "¤ It's been three long years ¤" "¤ Do ya still want me ¤" "¤ If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree ¤" "¤ I'll stay on the bus forget about us ¤" "¤ Put the blame on me ¤" "Did you know that every seven minutes, a black person is born in this country without soul?" "Hello, I'm B.B. King." "Won't you help Don Simmons and the thousands of others... that suffer from this tragic disorder?" "Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone." "Let's take a look." "I think the Republican Party has done one heck of a job." "Don't you, June?" "I'll say, Ward." "We Republicans have turned this country around." "Safety and good mileage are the two things..." "I looked for in a new car." "That's why I bought a Volvo station wagon." "Hi." "I'm president of the David Hartman Fan Club here in Glendale." "I've even met David Hartman once." "What a neat guy." "¤ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheree ¤" "¤ A sweep is as lucky as lucky can be ¤" "¤ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheroo ¤" "¤ Good luck will rub off when I shake hands with you ¤" "This is B.B. King saying won't you please give... so that Don Simmons here and so many others... can become useful members of society." "¤ Or blow me a kiss and that's lucky too ¤" "Write to..." "Thank you." "Be right there." "Karen?" "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Jerry Stone." "Hi, Jerry." "Nice meeting you." "I'm sorry." "I'm running a little bit late." "Don't worry about it." "You look nice." "Thank you." "This is a great apartment." "Thanks." "Uh, I hope you like sushi." "I made reservations at Tokyo Rose on Columbus." "Great." "I hear it's terrific." "Normally there's a waiting list, but I know the maitre d'." "You know, I gotta tell you," "I never go on blind dates, but, uh," "I just have a feeling that this might be special." "Jerry?" "Before we leave, do me one small favor, will you?" "Sure." "What?" "Would you mind showing me a credit card and a valid driver's license?" " You're kidding." "Why?" " I'd like to run a "couple compatibility" check." "What the heck is that?" "You know, Jerry, it's tough being a single girl in the big city." "You meet all kinds of phonies and creeps." "That's why this machine comes in handy." "I just enter your I.D., and the central computer will tell me about your background." "I don't want a bank loan." "I just want to take you out." "I know, but I'd feel better running a check." "Two I.D.'s, please." "You're serious." "It'll just take a minute." "This is ridiculous, but, uh..." "Here's, uh..." "Three-one-six." "That's a cute picture." "MasterCard." "I don't know how I ever got along without one of these." "Changed my life." "Feel the same way about my VCR." "Ooh." "Right now I'm taping Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep." " I love Meryl Streep." " Oh, I am so into her." "Here it comes now." "All that about me?" "Geez." "They are very thorough." "This is great!" " What?" "What?" "What do you got there?" "What's..." "What's uh-oh?" "Jerry," "does the name Debbie Rothenberg mean anything to you?" "Debbie Rothenberg." "Oh, yeah." "I think I went out with her once or twice." "You had sex with her on the second date, and then you never called her again." " I hate when guys do that." " It says all that?" "Does the phrase "You're not only beautiful, but you're someone I feel I can open up to" mean anything to you?" "I'm not surprised." "You've used that line on your last 16 dates." "Look, this is ridiculous." "Debbie..." "Uh, Karen, I think... that we have something very special here." "You're not like the other women you... "You meet in the city. "" "See what I mean?" "And, Jerry," "I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed." ""Who's selfish in bed"?" "Well, how would you describe a man... who satisfies his own needs and rolls over and goes to sleep?" " I never did that in my life!" " Eleven times!" "You want names and dates?" "No." "No, I do not!" "Look, hey, hold it." "Anyway, that is just a small fraction of the hundreds of times..." "I've been intimate with women." "We're exaggerating a little, aren't we, Jerry?" "The record only shows 21 sexual intimacies." "There you are." "This doesn't jibe with my figures." "Okay, sweetie?" "Jerry, the statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man." "Twelve times, you ignored your date at a party... to flirt with a more attractive woman." "169 times, you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career." "On 17 occasions, you lied to women, telling them you were really into sushi and Meryl Streep movies." "Make that 18 times." "Where do they get these figures?" "As you can see, Jerry, it would be pointless for you and I to go out." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines and see how well you come off!" "Okay?" "Good night, Jerry." "It's early yet." "Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar." "Like you did last Thursday." "Hello, Beverly?" "This is Jerry Stone." "We met the other night at Dave's party." "Listen, I know it's last minute, but I wanna ask you, are you free tonight?" "You are." "Great." "Listen, I can pick you up in 10 minutes." "Sure, okay." "Oh, Jerry, um..." "Yeah?" "Could you bring a major credit card and a valid driver's license?" "Extraterrestrials." "Strange phenomena." "Missing persons." "Lost continents." "Myths and monsters." "We examine these mysteries to determine... are they bullshit or not?" "London's West End." "Here, in the winter of 1888, a series of bizarre and violent murders occurred, which remain unsolved to this very day." "Jack the Ripper." "Was he a prosperous London surgeon?" "Perhaps a member of British royalty." "Well, our Bullshit team has unearthed... spectacular new evidence which suggests... that Jack the Ripper was, in fact," "the Loch Ness Monster." "Is it possible that Nessie... murdered five streetwalkers before returning to Loch Ness?" "Using undiscovered evidence, we've pieced together the events leading up to the first murder." "Although this is a Bullshit reenactment, it may have happened just this way." "Hello, dearie." "Show you a good time for a quid." "Throw the wife in for free." "Oh, gents." "Don't you want a girl to keep you warm tonight?" "Me mum told me there would be nights like this." "Oh, my!" "You are a big one, now, aren't you?" "Come on, darlin'." "Mind you, don't you be steppin' on my feet now." "Ooh!" "Aren't you in an hurry!" "Now, will you be careful." "Not so rough, da..." "Wait a min..." "Is this the way it happened?" "Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?" "Did I take this job for a quick buck?" "We may never know the answers to these questions." "Next week..." "Come on." "To recap the three movies that we reviewed this week... here on Critics Corner," "Marc and I both gave a big thumbs up... to the new Swedish film directed by, uh, Olaf Svensen." "Olaf Svensen, called The Winter of my Despondency." " Haunting abstract symbolism." " It's arty crap." "Jonathan and I did split, however..." "On the newest teenage romp called Frat Slobs." "Jonathan, I think, thought it to be... a light, frothy soufflé... sizzling with youthful energy." "That I did." "On the other hand, I thought it was pond scum." "You're an albino." "What the hell do you know?" "We have a new feature we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner... we hope you'll enjoy." "We call it "Real Life Reviews,"" "in which we critique the life of an average person just like you." "Jonathan will begin with a review of the life of Harvey Putnik." "No." "Pitnik." "Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana." "Illinois." "Illinois." "Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois." "Bernice." "Bernice, come here." "They're talking about me on the television." "What?" "Come here." "Harvey Pitnik would seem to have all the ingredients..." "For a successful life." "You'd think so." "So why does he fail so miserably?" "I don't know." "I think the problem is with Harvey himself." "What the hell is this?" "You're right." "It is Harvey." "Very good, Jonathan." "It is Harvey." "So, we're supposed to care about this Harvey Pitnik?" "Why?" "I mean, it takes him 30 years to develop any character at all, and by the time he does, who cares?" "They're crucifying me." "It's hardly worth the wait." "He didn't like Gandhi either." "Let me show you." "Here's a scene from last year as Harvey is coming home from work." "Oh." "Hi, Scraps." "Hi, Dad." "Hi, kids." "How did they do this?" "Hi, honey." "Hi, dear." "Ooh." "Potatoes." "I didn't cons..." "I didn't consent for this to be on TV." "Dinner'll be ready in five minutes." "Okay." " Some exciting home life, huh?" " And it goes on like that, tediously, day in and day out." "Where's the love?" "Where's the passion?" "Where's the examination of one's own existence?" "This is a poor excuse for a life." "I give Harvey Pitnik a... a big thumbs down." "Thumbs down?" "I give him a thumbs down too." "But I didn't hate Harvey quite as much as you, Jonathan." "Oh, granted, his life was a miserable waste of time, but I rather enjoyed the Kafkaesque touches." "Here's a loser trapped in a dead-end job... and a..." "a loveless marriage." "How do they know that?" "Couldn't they have done anything to make this man human?" "Think of the money it took to bring him into the world." "A ton!" "To feed him and to clothe him and then to educate him." "And after all that, what have you got?" " You've got a big bore!" " A dull clod!" "An empty suit." "And another thing," "I was always one step ahead of this guy's life." "There just were no surprises!" "No." "Wait a minute." "What about the ending of his life?" "That came as a surprise." "Ending?" "I saw that coming a mile away!" "I didn't." "What ending?" "The high blood pressure." "The lack of exercise." "True." "Uh-huh." "The bad diet." "Of course." "By the time he finally has his heart attack in front of the TV, big deal!" "Heart attack?" "Heart attack?" "It's such a mundane way to go." "What are they talking about?" "A heart attack?" "I didn't have a..."