"I'm sorry, viewer." "The TV show you're searching for cannot be streamed in your reality." "Please stand by for reconnection." "From the darkest depths of cyberspace, there is another world." "A lost dimension, home to wonders unseen, terrors unspeakable." "Stories unlike any ever told until now." "Do not click Back." "Do not reload." "We have reconnected to..." "Dimension 404." "So, what do you do?" "What do you do?" "I kinda run this music blog." "and where are you from?" "Well, originally I'm from Maine." "and where do you live now?" "Right here, in Brooklyn." "So, what do you do?" "I don't like to talk about work." "Look, I hate these things, too." "You know, I feel like everyone in the room can tell that we're on a first date." "No one's paying attention." "So, if you could be any animal, what animal would you be?" "This isn't going very well, is it?" "Yeah, no, this is over." "You can go." "Good luck out there." "Some romances last a lifetime, but most don't make it past the first cup of coffee." "Still, don't feel too bad for our lonely lovebird Adam." "Thanks to the magic of ones and zeroes, he's about to meet his one and only." "Her name's Amanda." "She likes craft beer, good music, and she lives on the Lower East Side of Dimension 404." "Well, it's official." "I'm gonna die alone." "What?" "Don't say that." "Greg, I've looked, flirted, and metcute half of the women in Brooklyn, and I'm honestly starting to think that my soul mate doesn't exist." "You know, she's like a myth, like Bigfoot." "Dude, she exists, she's out there." "Just like Bigfoot." "Wow, I need a beer." "You're out of beer." "Look, man, you just gotta broaden your horizons." "Stop meeting weird randos on the street and start meeting them online." "Online, online dating?" "Yeah. No!" "Look, I don't want some algorithm telling me who to hook up with, all right?" "I just want to meet a cute girl, you know, with a cute little red streak in her hair and a tattoo of a bird while we're both reaching for the same Talking Heads LP." "There are 413 eligible women that are Talking Heads fans within a twomile radius of this apartment." "Wait, really;" "What is that?" "MakeAMatch, bro, everybody's on it." "Why are you on it, aren't you with Charlene?" "I'm not on it, you are." "I made you a profile." "What, when?" "Last night when I drank all your beer." "Greg!" "Come on, man." "Look at all of these women." "What do you have to lose?" "All right, fine." "But seriously, stop drinking all my beer." "No promises." "I can't afford it, you can, so I drink it." "We met on MakeAMatch." "MakeAMatch helped me find exactly what I've been looking for all my life." "Their personality profile truly reached deeper than the other sites." "It's magic, I don't know how they do it." "At MakeAMatch, we believe there's someone out there for everyone." "Sign up today and we'll find your 100 percent perfect match guaranteed." "Welcome to love." "Welcome to MakeAMatch." "Amanda." "She's a med student, she likes hanging out." "I mean, she's cute." "The Pixies." "That's a start." "Yeah, but still, I mean... this is my 100 percent match?" "Where's her bird tattoo?" "My God, she winked you." "She what?" "She checked you out and she likes what she sees." "Just ask her out already." "God, you know, this thisthis is too weird." "I can't do it, I'm out, no." "Dude, you are going on a date with this girl if I have to pump you full of benzodiazepine and drag you there myself." "Fine, but only because I am desperately lonely." "That's the spirit!" "Hi, Amanda?" "Adam, hi." "Hi." "Um, I got us two Handlebars, is that okay?" "Yeah, actually, that's my that's my favorite beer." "Mine, too." "I'm sorry, did, did you change hair?" "Yeah, I, sorry, I just dyed it." "I guess I should've updated my." "No, no, it'sit's okay." "II like it." "Good, yeah, I thought it was time to just mix up my look, plus it goes with Charlie." "Charlie?" "Charlie." "All right, well, the Pixies," "Neutral Milk Hotel, well, Hall amp;" "Oates because, I mean, duh, right?" "And, um... well, have you ever heard of a guy named Ben Branson?" "A. K. A. My childhood crush from age 14 till now." "What, shut up!" "No, II went, I saw him at Great Woods in 2001, and I basically went through puberty on the spot." "Wait, wait, wait, are you are you being serious?" "'Cause I was literally at that same show." "No. Yeah." "I snuck out with my cousin, got grounded for three weeks, completely worth it 'cause the double encore?" "Yeah, and them closing with... "Tokyo Heartache." "Tokyo Heartache."" "You know, I've been told" "I bear a, um, a striking resemblance to Ben Branson." "I mean, I wouldn't say striking, but I can certainly see it." "Okay." ""Tokyo Heartache?"" "Come on!" "How is this happening right now?" "Well, I did put it on the jukebox like five minutes ago." "So." "Well, it's official." "She's the one." "Wait, what?" "I'm getting a beer, you want a beer?" "You're out of beer;" "What are you talking about?" "Buddy, I'm talking about Amanda." "She's... dude, she's..." "I dontshe's amazing." "I'm gonna get her a ring." "I mean, not an engagement ring, but like a really, really nice ring." "Okay, have a seat, Casanova." "How long have you been with this girl, a month?" "Maybe two?" "Yeah, butbut I feel like I have known her my whole life." "Sure, but if you want to make it to three, maybe you should cool your jets." "Okay, I get it, I get what you're saying, but, buddy, we're 100 percent compatible." "The app said so." "Forget what the app said." "Come on, I mean, you're the one who sold me on the whole MakeAMatch thing." "I thought you'd be stoked for me." "I am, I am, it's just, um..." "I don't want to see you get hurt." "All right, so, you're saying just... slow things down?" "Exactly." "Play it cool." "My man." "All right. Okay." "I love you." "What?" "These last two months have been amazing, and I justI keep thinking about spending the rest of my life with you." "You're my soul mate, Amanda." "Are you sure?" "Are you not sure?" "God." "God?" "Look, it's not you, I just" "I don't have time for anything serious right now." "We've spent every single night here since we met." "And it's been great, it's just my residency interviews are coming up, so..." "So..." "So... maybe you should go." "Ookay." "Wow, um..." "This is, yeah, this is our first big fight." "It's, it's a milestone." "Adam, stop. Look, someday, we're gonna look back on this and we're gonna laugh." "Adam!" "Come on, we can make this work." "Look, if you want to go slow, we'll go slow." "I'm serious, goodbye." "No." "No, I'm not gonna just walk away, all right?" "I can't." "Look, I know that you're scared." "All right, I'm scared, too." "But you and I... we're made for each other." "For the love of God." "This is something that we'll tell our adorable grandch." "Whoa, hey!" "Whoa, hey!" "I got his legs, let's move." "Tech Support to HQ, Romeo is in the bag." "Moving to extraction point." "Help!" "Help!" "Greg?" "Greg?" "Adam?" "Hey, man, I'm dude, I'm freaking out, man." "What's going on, man?" "They tried to kidnap me." "III was over at Amanda's place, and." "Wait, wait, wait, what's going on with Amanda?" "II don't know, all right?" "She, um, sheshe dumped me, and then these guys." "Wait, wait, she dumped you?" "Man, I told you to play it cool." "Yeah, II know." "II don't know." "It's okay, man, come here." "Come on in, man, come on." "Come on." "Bring it in, bring it in." "Bring it in. I love her, Greg." "What am I gonna do?" "Package is secure." "Are you ready to begin?" "What?" "How would you describe your performance in the relationship?" "Who the hell are you?" "Very satisfactory, satisfactory, or needs improvement?" "What the hell's going on?" "We'll put "needs improvement."" "Would you agree that your worst qualities are clinginess, painfully naive, and overly emotional?" "No, I wouldn't, what where the hell am I?" "Exit interview." "Wait, did you not get debriefed?" "Debriefed?" "Please watch this informational video." "Hi, I'm Matthew Maker," "Founder and CEO of MakeAMatch, and I'd like to say thank you, because it's biogenetic love companions like you that make what we do possible." "Ever feel like you were made for someone?" "You were!" "Bred here in the Genesis Vats at MakeAMatch Heartquarters, your genome, personality, and artificial memories were handcrafted by literal love doctors to the exact specifications of your romantic partner." "But love doesn't always work out, which brings you here to the returns department." "Since the Sentient Life Form Protection Act forbids us from terminating you against your will, you're now free to live out your days in blissful servitude at MakeAMatch, Inc." "What, no," "I don't want to do that." "I want to go home." "This is your home now, so make the most of it." "Career opportunities include:" "That is all." "And if you really want to take your career to the next level, volunteer for our biomatter recycling program and be a part of the next generation of MakeAMatch companions." "Scientists assure me it's 100 percent fun." "Thanks for watching, and welcome to life after love." "So, II'm not an indie music blogger?" "Of course not, have you seen your apartment?" "Okay, well, if I have all these fake implants of memories, then, tell me, what'd I do for my eighth birthday?" "You went to a water park." "Okay, what'd I do for my 12th birthday?" "I don't remember all of your birthdays." "Aha. ." "Any further questions can be directed to your group." "Hey, Adam, welcome!" "I'm Adam." "Come on, let me give you the warp speed tour." "This is Adam." "He was Amanda's first companion." "Piss off." "For about three months until Adam here came around." "'Sup, bro." "And let's see, then there was Adam." "Namaste." "And, last but not least, there's me, Adam." "So, what was it this time?" "Sorry?" "Um..." "I told her I loved her." "Don't listen to these guys, okay?" "They're still hung up on her." "Soso howhow's she doin'?" "She's doing great." "She'sshe's finishing up med school, she's talking to her sister again." "She's happy." "She's growing out her vinyl collection." "You know, next week, we're, um." "Next week we were supposed to see Elbow at The Bell House." "This is your home now." "Damn it!" "I am so sorry." "I'm such a klutz." "What's your version number?" "It's, it's Adam 5, ma'am." "It won't happen again." "Let's hope not." "Absotively." "Absolutely." "Of course." "Hey, don't torture yourself like this." "Just keep an eye out." "All right, here we go." "Adam, Mk 6." ""How can we improve your next love companion?"" ""Improve your love companion."" "Occupation... lawyer?" "A lawyer?" "Actually, that's..." "Hey, did she keep anything?" "Adam, what'd she keep?" "Nothing." "What's up with him?" "They're activating a new Adam today." "I think he's taking it pretty hard." "So, what do you do?" "I'm a lawyer." "I work downtown." "and where are you from?" "Manhattan, born and raised." "You know he hasn't eaten in days?" "Christ." "We need to get him to open up." "Sad bro, you okay over there?" "If you could be any animal, what kind of animal would you be?" "I'd be a shark, 'cause they never stop moving." "Neither do I." "But you know what, enough about me, right?" "Let's talk about you." "You like music?" "'Cause I don't." "Especially indie rock." "All right, buddy." "Time to wipe away those tears?" "Look, I'm an upfront guy." "I don't see this going anywhere, so, what do you say we call it?" "This is over, you can go." "It's time to kick the day's ass." "Good luck out there." "Absotively." "I mean, lutely." "Hey." "What's your model number?" "Six." "Code Sapphire!" "Repeat, Code Sapphire!" "We met on MakeAMatch." "When my best friend introduced me to MakeAMatch," "I was a little skeptical." "I mean, your 100 percent perfect match guaranteed?" "What's the catch, right?" "But we met and it was just this instant connection." "From then on out, our love only grew." "Isn't that right, snookums?" "Sure." "It's like we were made for each other." "Every day is brighter than the last." "MakeAMatch is too good to be true, but it is true, and it is good." "Eskimo kiss." "Okay!" "Get a lot of those." "Adam?" "Adam." "Adam." "Adam!" "I'm proud of you, son." "I really am." "I mean, most companions would never dream of escaping, but you, you really would do anything to be with her again." "Maker." "I know how hard it is, how bad it hurts." "Like hell you do." "You get to leave here." "You get to go home to someone you love." "Well, not exactly." "She was my Amanda." "It wasn't until after she died that I realized how rare true love is and how awful this life is without it." "And that's what this place is all about." "There is not someone out there for everyone, but there should be." "Adam, do you want to live in a cold, cramped cage day after day, or use your Godgiven gifts to make someone smile?" "You were born to love Amanda." "Mind, body, and soul." "It is your purpose, and you can fulfill that purpose again by being a part of the new Adam." "Through his eyes, you can see her smile again." "The recycling tube." "Cows don't leave the slaughterhouse." "Steaks do." "Chew on that." "Hey." "Hey, Greg." "You gonna stab me in the neck again?" "So, you gonna kill yourself?" "How about a farewell toast?" "Come on, last meal?" "Hey, to the best fake roommate I've ever had." "Sorry you're a clone." "The new Adam, he only drinks scotch." "What a douche, right?" "I keep telling myself to forget her, man, but I was made for her." "So what the hell am I without her?" "Maker's right." "I have to do this." "God damn it, Greg." "What the hell am I doing?" "We met on MakeAMatch." "No, I'm all right." "When my last relationship didn't exactly pan out," "I knew there was only one place to go." "Yeehaw!" "Between busting broncs, riding the range, and volunteering at the children's hospital, there wasn't a lot of time to find love, but with MakeAMatch, your special someone really is just a click away." "They sure are." "In fact, snookums, there's something I want to ask you." "No, no." "Son of a bitch." "What the hell?" "Shut up, you're gonna get me fired." "I've already been here, Greg, all right, I've seen all this." "Not this." "What the hell is this?" "Just watch." "Okay, so, um... my last relationship ended in a pretty painful place." "We were together for four years, and I... well, I..." "I thought he was the one." "And then he cheated on me, and then he left." "I don't want to watch this, all right?" "Just turn it off, Greg." "Just watch, trust me." "And I was a mess." "My grades tanked, and I almost lost my scholarship." "So, II can't let that happen again." "I have to stay focused." "I just..." "I'm really lonely." "You've come to the right place, Amanda." "Let MakeAMatch help you create your ideal companion." "I still can't believe I'm doing this." "Lots of firsttimers feel that way, but MakeAMatch guarantees we'll make the perfect companion for your needs, everything from personality type, occupation, looks." "Could he look like Ben Branson?" "We'll get to that, but let's start with the basics." "Describe the qualities you want in your ideal companion." "I don't know, I guess..." "I just want someone who's loyal and honest and kind." "You know who you are without her?" "You're loyal, you're honest, and you're kind." "It's gotta be worth something." "Would somebody please turn this shit off?" "She even took this song from me." "No." "This song still rules." "Just listen." "Bro, everything this song means to us is a lie." "Who cares?" "It's still a really great song." "I mean, "Tokyo Heartache" is beautiful on its own." "God damn it, so are we." "What are we even doing here, you guys?" "Just gorging on selfpity and whatever the hell that is." "We can't let one relationship define our whole lives." "We're more than that, and we deserve more than that." "Adam 5, resume your gruel eating." "We are who we are, not who they made us to be." "We may have been built to order, but we were born to be free!" "Adam 5 is wrong." "Companions are legal property of Make." "Let's burn this mother down!" "And so it begins." "Can I get a containment unit to sector 4 like now, please?" "Attention, companions." "You are in violation of employee guidelines." "Please lower your weapons, lie on the floor, and the punishment squad will." "Hey!" "Stop, stop fighting the punishment squad." "Code Sapphire!" "Code Sapphire, damn it!" "Code Sapphire!" "Exterminate on sight!" "Article 3, Section 7:" "Expressions of free will and independent thought are strictly prohibited!" "You were built to love and obey!" "That is your purpose!" "Adhere, do your purpose!" "I don't give a god damn about the Clone Extermination Act." "Someone get up here and save my ass!" "Do not touch that, you insolent piece of." "Your soul mate is out there." "Just like mine." "Eventually you can find them on MakeAMatch." "No!" "There is nothing out there for you." "This is where you belong." "I am your father, and you will do what Daddy demands." "Hey, everybody, how are you guys?" "Wait, no, guys, wait, wait." "Hey, let go!" "No, no, no, wait!" "Wait, this isn't nice!" "Please, please!" "Wait, stop, stop, stop!" "Hi, yes, I'm calling about the job posting." "Why did I leave my last job?" "There was a change in management." "No, stop, no, no!" "Kevin, Kevin!" "I designed you, you can't do this to me!" "Your girlfriend never loved you and never will!" "Sorry." "Hi!" "Hey." "I'll flip you for it." "No, you were here first." "So, do you, like, live around here now?" "No, I'm just actually coming back from band practice." "You're in a band now?" "That's pretty cool." "Yeah, yeah, I mean, we kinda suck actually, but, you know, we have a lot of fun." "So, like, how are you, what are you up to?" "Everything's good, my residency's good, just taking it slow." "Yeah." "It'sit's really good to see you." "We should, I don't know, get together sometime." "Yeah, definitely." "Here, you should have this." "It's really great to see you." "You, too."