"Report!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "All present and accounted for." "Prisoners, from time to time" "I bring you news of the war of which you are no longer a part." "Things continue to go well for our victorious fatherland." "Hah!" "That's a laugh!" "( Heroes laughing and talking )" "Our illustrious Luftwaffe not only controls the skies of Europe, but, at this moment, is introducing London to our famous blitzkrieg." "What's a famous blitzkrieg?" "What is that?" "KLINK:" "Silence!" "We were forced to take these extreme measures in order to crush all Allied resistance and bring this war to a successful conclusion for our glorious Third Reich." "Dismissed." "Bomb London-- that rotten Kraut." "Hold it, hold it." "Lousy Boche." "Someday we will make them pay." "Someday?" "Why not now?" "Come on, don't just stand there." "We got work to do if we're going to help London." "You're forgetting something, sir." "We're in the middle of Germany." "No, you're forgetting-- so's Colonel Klink." "It's crazy." "Yesterday you sneak me into a prison camp, and today you sneak me out." "And tomorrow we sneak you back in again." "NEWKIRK:" "Here he comes, LeBeau." "Now don't go away, will ya, Billy?" "All right, all right." "Hold it, hold it." "Make sure the chute's secure up there." "Whatever you're up to, I pray it works." "Don't worry, Colonel Hogan and I know what we're doing." "All right, Billet, we'll see you tomorrow." "Happy dreams." "Good night, sir." "I hope." "Take it easy." "Don't worry." "The Colonel and I know exactly what we're doing." "Hey, it's stuck." "Open up." "It's me." "LeBeau, if that one doesn't work, try this one here." "( telegraph key clicking )" "You think Billet is safe hanging there?" "Sure." "Old eagle-eye Schultz will capture him in the morning." "London just confirmed your request, sir." "They're going to set up an abandoned warehouse in Leedingham and load it with anti-aircraft, and also, throw in a flock of Spitfires." "The trap is set." "Sir?" "I think this time we've bit off more than we can chew." "All we've got to do is get Klink to believe there's a rocket gun factory in England." "Get him to pry the location out of Carter, then he notifies the Luftwaffe, they send over their bombers, our anti-aircraft knock them off and we've relieved the pressure on London." "Simple." "You know what?" "I think we bit off more than we can chew." "( hammering )" "Hi, Schultz." "Good morning, Colonel Hogan." "What's up?" "What do you mean, what's up?" "They're working, that's what's up." "Come on, Schultz, I'm surprised at you." "Since when have you become so suspicious?" "Please, Colonel Hogan, please!" "No trouble." "Trouble?" "Schultz, have we ever caused you any trouble?" "I mean, recently?" "Believe me, nothing's up." "Then why are they working?" "Because this is our home." "We believe in keeping it clean." ""Cleanliness first," always been my motto." "Please, Colonel Hogan, let them stop." "I'd feel so much better." "All right, fellas, knock it off." "Thank you." "Oh, Schultz." "Can you do us a favor?" "I knew it, I knew it." "Relax, relax." "I just wanted to ask you as a friend to get us some grapes." "Grapes?" "Yeah, they're the last grapes of the season." "The fellas are having a wine festival in Barracks Three." "They're right outside the fence, right over by those trees." "Absolutely, positively no." "Oh, come on, Schultz." "They're right there." "All right, all right!" "Hold it, fellas." "One thing I've learned, when Schultz says no, he means no." "Once his mind's made up, it's made up." "( chuckles )" "Carter, you go get the grapes." "Yes, sir." "Hold it, Carter!" "Carter, come back!" "You know you can't go out of camp." "But Schultz, we need the grapes." "I'll get them." "I'll..." "Well, Schultz is doing his part." "Now it's Klink's turn to save London." "You know, Colonel Hogan, I am amazed at how naive you are when it comes to military matters." "How did you ever become a colonel?" "Hard work, sir, just plain hard work." "Plus the fact my father's president of the United States." "Now, that's funny, very funny, Colonel Hogan, but jokes don't win wars, and while you make the jokes, look what our glorious German forces are doing." "Our troops are solidly entrenched everywhere." "Your troops, they're retreating, completely disorganized." "Yeah, well, this, uh, map does prove one thing, sir." "If we ever start fighting this war with pins, your side may win." "Mm-hmm, that's good, very good." "I'm so glad you still have your sense of humor." "You know, you are very good at jokes." "Very good." "Only here, the joke is on you." "It..." "Well, now, that's strange." "I didn't realize the Allied troops were that close to Munich... and to Berlin." "You've got to watch us, Colonel." "We move pretty fast." "In fact, we're moving so fast, this war may be over before we come out with our new rocket gun." "Rocket gun?" "Oh, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned this." "It's just a rumor." "I'm sure if it were true," "German intelligence would have heard of it." "I am very sure of that, too." "Then, again, German intelligence might have missed it." "We all make mistakes." "German intelligence is comprised of the finest minds in the world." "They are infallible." "Well, then, I guess the rocket gun is just a rumor." "Exactly." "But, if true, this weapon could end the war." "Hogan, I'm onto your little game." "Little game, sir?" "Don't you think I know what you're doing?" "You are making me think that the Allies have a new weapon, when, in fact, you're making the whole thing up." "You're right, sir." "I did just make it up." "You are lying!" "Now, I want to know everything about that rocket gun." "Everything." "H-Herr Kommandant, I have to report." "Schultz, I..." "Schultz, you call yourself a soldier." "Look at you..." "Button your collar." "Put on your helmet." "Put it on, put it on." "That's better!" "Herr Kommandant, there's, there's a man in a parachute hanging from a tree outside the camp." "Parachute?" "Dummkopf, why didn't you tell me?" "Tell the men in Barracks Three, the grapes for the wine are already crushed." "You should be ashamed of yourself, staying up all night." "Hey, look at you." "Billet, I see you're all in one piece." "That's true, sir, but I certainly have spent more comfortable nights, and that Schultz-- he's a real beaut." "Don't knock Schultz." "He's one of the best soldiers in our army." "How'd the interrogation go?" "Name, rank, serial number, and then I let slip I was en route to Russia, like you told me, sir." "Good, good." "Sit down." "Sure wish I knew what was going on." "Forget it." "It's a long story, and besides, your part's over." "All right, Carter." "Now, this is the so-called breech plate." "You sure you got the facts straight?" "Yes, sir." "Uh, Billet is ferrying the parts to Russia." "Mm-hmm." "Uh, it has a range of a thousand miles, and it's five times more powerful than any other weapon." "All right, now the town in England where it's manufactured." "That's important." "You got it?" "Oh, sure." "That's, uh, Eldingham." "Uh, uh..." "Dingleham." "Leedingham." "Leedingham." "That's it, that's it." "Leedingham." "Yes, sir." "I've got it now." "Ladinghoo..." "Leedingham." "I would also advise you to inform the new prisoner, that although I'm fair but stern," "I can be tough if I have to." "Now, remember, you will all be here until Germany wins this war, which might be a lot quicker than you think." "What's that?" "Nothing." "It's just a piece of a new rocket gun." "Billet gave it to me." "Carter!" "I didn't say anything wrong, Colonel, and" "I didn't tell him anything important, like where in England this new rocket gun's being made." "Big mouth." "Schultz, did you say you searched this man thoroughly before I interrogated him?" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And you missed something this size?" "Uh, uh, uh, I, I..." "This is very nicely made." "Very nicely made." "Yeah, and what a range it has." "Dismissed." "Schultz, I want to see Carter in my office right away." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Carter." "The fish are biting today." "MAN:" "Hmm... hmm... hmm... hmm..." "Do you hear what I hear?" "Moans..." "it sounds like Carter." "Impossible." "Mmm..." "It's Carter, all right." "And he's definitely moaning." "Bloody beast, he's torturing him." "Mmm... mmm... mmm... mmm..." "Oh..." "no, no more, please." "I couldn't take anymore." "Poor Carter." "I should have gone myself." "What's he doing to him?" "I don't know." "Why doesn't he give him the information?" "All right, Carter." "We'll take up where we left off after suppertime." "You are now dismissed." "KLINK:" "Schultz!" "That belongs to the prisoner." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "Herr Kommandant, what about the secret drumstick..." "I mean, the secret rocket gun?" "Now, do not concern yourself about that." "I have a plan." "A plan?" "Yes, I do." "I am going to call General Rudolf Von Lintzer on the telephone." "Call General Rudolf Von Lintzer, Luftwaffe." "You know him?" "Ha!" "Rudy?" "Why, in military school, we were like brothers." "Without my help, he would not be where he is now." "Oh, to think that he is a general now." "Ja, ja, ja, fortunes of war." "But if he is present when I get the information about this rocket gun factory..." "He will put in a good word for you in Berlin!" ""General Klink."" "That sounds just right, doesn't it?" "To me, you always will be a colonel." "Dismissed." "Schultz!" "Lay down..." "take it easy." "Sit down, sit down." "There." "There's not a mark on him!" "There never is." "Those rats know how to do a job." "Carter, were does it hurt?" "In the stomach?" "Don't try to talk." "Boy, I am full." "What did you eat?" "You what?" "I never ate so much in my life." "Carter, what exactly went on in Klink's office?" "Shrimp cocktail, turkey, potato pancakes, apple strudel... everything!" "Ooh!" "I just couldn't take any more." "You mean they didn't torture you?" "Well, I'm gonna." "Hold it." "Hold it." "Why didn't you give him the location of the rocket bases?" "He never asked." "Oh." "Besides, it's not polite to talk with your mouth full." "Or with an empty head." "Come on." "It wasn't my fault." "Besides, Klink really sets a table." "Don't you realize the importance of this operation?" "Oh, I've heard of eating you out of house and home, but out of a war?" "It's going to be all right." "I'm going to go back there tonight for dinner." "Tell me, Carter, how do you like it here at the Savoy Hitler?" "You're the only prisoner I know on the American plan." "Colonel, I just heard on the coffeepot that General Von Lintzer-- Luftwaffe-- is on the way." "It's just like Klink to try to make points with the brass." "Klink might be easy to fool, but a Luftwaffe general figures to be pretty sharp." "HOGAN:" "And tough." "A man like that could really give Carter a going over." "Look, uh..." "Colonel, you know, it's really kind of selfish of me to go back there and have another wonderful meal." "I ought to give one of the other fellas a chance." "Very noble, Carter, but you're going to go to that dinner." "And what you don't finish, you'll bring back in a doggie bag." "But, Colonel, I..." "Now, listen to me, and listen real good." "You don't spill a thing to Klink." "You wait till the general interrogates you, then you stall a couple of times before you break down." "You got it?" "Yes, sir." "Now, remember, everything depends on the job you do in front of that general." "Yes, sir." "One final check." "Do you remember where you're going to tell him the rocket gun factory is located?" "Well, come on, Colonel." "What kind of goof do you think I am?" "Colonel, shall I tell him?" "Just double-checking." "What's the location?" "Well, the rocket gun factory is two miles due west of..." "Uh..." "It's..." "it's two miles due west of..." "I got it right here." "I don't want it right here." "I want it right here." "It's two miles due west of Hamleading." "Leadham." "Leedingham." "If it was something to eat, he'd remember it." "Leedingham, Leedingham." "I've got it for sure." "It's Leedinghum, ham." "Leedingham." "You didn't finish your potato soup." "Well-Well, you gave me so much, Schultz." "You didn't like it?" "Oh, I did, I did." "Oh, it was too spicy?" "No, no." "It wasn't spicy enough?" "Schultz!" "Mmm." "Mmm." "( Schultz humming )" "( door closing )" "KLINK:" "You know, Carter, it's really a shame that you and I have never gotten to know each other better." "How often have I said to myself..." ""Now here's what I call a fine, intelligent soldier."" "Hmm." "Now, please, keep on eating." "By the way, in a few moments, a, uh, general will join us, and I'm going to have to ask you a few questions." "Nothing important." "Just a few inconsequential questions to make it look good for the general." "You know how generals are." "And, uh, I'm sure that, uh, I can expect some, uh, intelligent and accurate answers, no, hmm?" "Anything, Colonel." "Anything you want to know." "Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat!" "HILDA:" "Herr Kommandant," "General Von Lintzer has arrived." "He came." "Oh, that's marvelous!" "Rudy!" "How nice to see you!" "Just like old times." "Heil Hitler?" "I better not be here on a fool's errand, Flink." "Klink." "Now, your name, I would be much more interested in." "Uh, her name is Hilda, and I'm sure that she would... ( clears throat )" "Hilda?" "Is that your name, Hilda?" "Ja, Herr General." "Tell me, my dear, how does a sweet thing such as you exist in this oppressive atmosphere?" "I follow orders, Herr General." "VON LINTZER:" "Don't be surprised if these order take you to Berlin one of these fine days." "Is that why you asked me to come?" "To watch you stand like a dummy?" "No, no, no, no, no, Herr General." "I assure you, this is a matter of the utmost importance." "What is this rubbish about a rocket gun?" "Our intelligence reports no such weapon." "Mm-hmm." "I would not be surprised." "With the General's permission... ( clears throat )" "This is probably the enemy's most closely guarded secret." "As a matter of fact, uh, I'm most grateful that fate has chosen me to discover it." "You have proof that this gun exists?" "Proof positive." "This was found on an airman this morning who was captured." "It is part of a rocket gun." "Hmm." "You might have something here, Flink." "Klink." "That's not all I have." "Right here in my office is another prisoner who knows the exact location of the factory where this rocket gun was made." "Excellent." "One precision bombing, and we could level this factory." "Where is it?" "That's the one thing I haven't found out yet." "Take me to this prisoner." "I'll get it out of him." "With the General's permission, this prisoner has an unbelievable will power." "Now I have spent hours relentlessly beating him down bit by bit." "I think, in a few more minutes, we'll have it." "After you, Herr General." "General." "Is this the way you relentlessly beat down a prisoner?" "Well, I..." "Oh, you see, General, this is an original tactic of mine." "You see, ever since I have been commandant here at Stalag 13, this has never failed." "Well, now, Carter," "I trust you're feeling better, huh?" "Oh, sure, swell." "Good." "Then I suppose it's, uh, time for our little talk." "Okay." "What do you want to talk about?" "Well, I, uh..." "By the way, I believe, uh, this is yours, and you'd like to have it back." "It's a, uh..." "Breech plate from a new rocket gun." "That's right, that's right." "Comes from a factory in, uh..." "In..." "Wait a second now." "I..." "I see what you're trying to do." "You're trying to trick me." "Come on, Commandant." "You know that's against the rules and regulations." "Carter." "Sure." "Now I see it." "Boy, what a pal you turned out to be." "Well, you're not gonna get anything out of me." "No, sir, not a word." "Oh, by the way, your sauerbraten was delicious." "( sighs )" "Herr General, perhaps you could wait until tomorrow." "Shut up." "I think it only fair to tell you that I employ somewhat different tactics than Lieutenant Klink." "Colonel Klink." "Don't bet on it." "Major difference is that when I want information," "I get it!" "You can't frighten me." "I wouldn't dream of frightening you." "I will leave that to the Gestapo." "The Gestapo?" "You're going to bring in the Gestapo?" "!" "Okay, Carter, you can talk now." "CARTER:" "All right, I'll talk." "Where is it?" "Well, it's..." "It's two miles due west of..." "It's two miles due west of, uh..." "Don't play games with me, I warn you!" "No." "Know what?" "I-I knew it just a minute ago." "It's..." "It's two miles due west of..." "Hamleading." "Inhaming." "CARTER:" "Ing, Ing, Ing?" "Forgot again." "Where is the rocket factory?" "!" "Would you just quit staring at me?" "You see, I-I can't think under pressure at all." "I'm losing patience with you!" "Carter, tell him, and I promise you, tomorrow you'll have schnitzel and dumplings!" "Will you shut up?" "What is this?" "Who is this man?" "Colonel Hogan, Senior P.O.W. Officer." "How are you, Carter?" "Have they broken you yet?" "I should have known." "He hasn't talked yet, Colonel Hogan, but he will." "Yeah, maybe with other men, but you don't know Carter." "Go ahead, torture him, beat him, break him in two." "He'll never talk." "Colonel Hogan." "Very well." "Klink, get the Gestapo." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "I can't let you do that." "I'll take the blame." "I'll tell you what you want to know." "( sighs )" "It's the rocket gun factory, isn't it?" "It's two miles due west of Leedingham." "Sure, that's it" " Leedingham." "Sure, that's what it is." "Now just in case this is a trick," "I'll send a reconnaissance flight to verify the location." "Sir, I knew we could break them!" "( all talking and shouting )" "( cheering )" "Colonel Hogan?" "Colonel, we got a game going on." "Colonel Hogan, I must congratulate you on your honesty." "The reconnaissance flight verified the new factory near Leedingham." "You sure know how to rub it in, General." "And tonight, the new factory will be reduced to rubble." "I personally will lead the bombing mission." "And, of course, everyone knows that the General is one of our finest pilots." "By the way, General, when you go to Berlin, you'll mention my name." "Uh, say a few words here and there." "Words?" "Well, I would be glad to put in a few words." "Negligence, irresponsibility, inefficiency, stupidity." "As soon as I get back from the raid," "I will take care of you." "Good day." "( engine starting )" "Hmm." "I heard that in school," "Von Lintzer was your dearest friend." "Ja, ja, ja." "You would have been better off with an enemy." "( knock at door )" "Come in." "You sent for me, Colonel?" "Yes, I did." "Do you know what happened in that air raid last night?" "Well, where would I get any information from?" "62 German bombers shot down." "62, Hogan." "No." "Including General Von Lintzer's." "Your friend." "Yes." "Must have been those rocket guns." "I told you how deadly they were." "Yes, and you know what I think." "I don't think there are any rocket guns." "I don't think there ever were any rocket guns." "I think the whole thing was a trap." "Shh." "If I were you, I wouldn't let that kind of talk get around." "People might think you were responsible." "You know what I mean?" "Me responsible?" "Well, after all, you were the one that asked Von Lintzer to come here, so if it was a trap..." "Well, I-I..." "Who said it was a trap?" "It was just the possibility of a trap." "Oh, there never was any trap." "Look." "If this is not part of rocket gun, what is it?" "What else could it be?" "( laughs ):" "Part of a lamp." "( laughs )" ""(End of Episode)""