"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Tuesday in Transylvania." "Castle Duckula stands gloomy and rain-soaked... on its high rock above the dismal and rain-soaked village... where the dismal and rain-soaked peasants... even now are meeting to plot insurrection." "Here, by the light of a solitary flickering candle... the villagers plan their dark and dirty deeds." "Or a hundred percent polyester?" "I don't know." "Velvet looks better." "Mmm, but polyester is longer lasting." "Ah, it's difficult, ain't it?" "But believe me, you gets them curtains right... and it'll transform that front room of yours." "You're right, Hezekiah." "I knows you be." "And if we're going to win that prettiest village in Transylvania award... everything's got to be just right." "Ah, but there is the other problem." " What do you mean?" " I mean Castle Duckula." "It's a disgrace." "It be worse than that." "It be smelly and horrible." "You can bet your last smock... that it ain't seen a duster in years, let alone a paint brush." "Something will have to be done." "Yeah, someone will have to be told." "You mean go up there to the Castle?" "Who will do such a thing, huh?" "We'll draw straws." "But I haven't got a pencil and paper." "Oh, hang on, I go and get you..." "No, no, no, no." "I mean, Ezra, to draw straws to see who goes up to the Castle." "Whoever gets the shortest one, he goes." "You first, Hezekiah." "Oh, I got a long straw." "Ah." "Now you, Obediah." "Arr." "We both pulled long straws." "We be saved." "Not quite." "The way I sees it, you two lose... so you'd better get up there to that there Castle... and tell that there Duckula to do something about it." "And if you ain't back by dawn..." "I'll have new names engraved on your pewter mugs." "Wow!" "Wowie, wow, wow, wow, Igor." "That's some storm." "Oh, isn't it wonderful, sir... the power and majesty of the elements... unleashed on a paltry and insignificant world?" "Well, I wish it would go and power and majesty elsewhere." "I've had enough unleashing for one night." "Ah, but, sir, just think." "This is the sort of night when things crawl from their pits... to do the unspeakable to the unsuspecting." "Ooh, Duckypoos." "Ooh." "Oh, yes, Igor, I see what you mean." "Come on, then, who's for cocoa?" "Oh, no, Nanny, no." "Not your cocoa." "And what's wrong with my cocoa?" "Nothing that a little water wouldn't cure." "Are you saying that my cocoa's lumpy?" "No, of course not." "It's one big lump." "Rather like Nanny herself, sir, if I may be so bold." "Ha ha ha!" "Very good, Igor." "I don't care what everyone else says... you have got a sense of humor..." "somewhere." "Ooh, Hezekiah, I'm frightened." "So am I, and so are me knees." "Listen." "Oh, let's get this over and done with quick." "All right." "You lead the way, and I'll follow." "Stay close behind, Hezekiah." "They say that anyone who enters Castle Duckula is never heard of again." "They just disappears overnight... and all that's left in the morning... is their bones and teeth, lying bleaching in the sun." "But I ain't got any teeth." "I got a good set of gums, though." "The only place for your cocoa, Nanny, is out the back with the trash." "When we gets there, Hezekiah, you do all the talking, all right?" "Oh, all... ooh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "What was that, Hezekiah?" "I didn't quite catch it." "Ah." "Oh, Hezekiah's been done in." "His bones and teeth will soon be bleaching in the sun." "Igor, come here quickly." "I think I've killed someone with Nanny's cocoa." "Oh, how is he, Nanny?" "Is he all right?" "Is there anything you can do?" "Now, now, young master, Nanny will look after him." "I've just given him an aspirin." "A fractured skull, and she's given him an aspirin." "Nanny, you're an imbecile." "I know, and I didn't even go to medical school." "Sir, sir, I..." "I beg you." "This is a situation you cannot afford to miss... a live peasant stretched out in front of you." "It would only take a second to sink your teeth into his inviting flesh." "Inviting?" "You call that flesh inviting?" "Uhh." "It looks to me like he hasn't washed all year." "Oh, that... that's not so, your magnificence." "He had a rub down with a damp rag only last month." "There you are, sir." "He had a rub down with a damp rag." "He's practically sterile." "Sterile?" "Uhh." "Have you had a good look at him, Igor?" "I think the word is senile." "Anyway, Igor, I've told you a thousand times." "This Duckula is not the teeth-sinking kind." "I want to help people, not eat them." " Ohh..." " Look, he's coming round." "I'll soon have him unconscious again, sir." "Quick, Nanny, more cocoa." "Stop it, Igor, at once." "Now, then, fellow, how are you?" "Fairly well, thank you, sir." "Good." "So, why were you sneaking round in my backyard at this time of night?" "Oh, forgive us, sir." "Please forgive us." "All right, I forgive you." " Thank you, sir." " Thank you, sir." "Now, just tell me what I've forgiven you for." " For coming up here, sir." " Ah." "OK." "And for standing underneath your falling cocoa, sir." " Fine." " And trying to get you... to change the Castle, sir." "Right." "To something more modern and respectable, sir." " Uh-huh." " So that we can win... the prettiest village in Transylvania competition." "Of course." "Now, wait a minute." "Wait one very small Transylvanian minute." " Did you say change the castle?" " Yes, sir." "Make it more modern and respectable?" "That's right, sir." "So that you can win a competition?" "Oh, please, sir, don't eat us, please, or have us chopped up." " Oh, forgive us, please..." " What a great idea!" "Igor, isn't that a great idea?" " No, sir." " There, you see?" "Igor thinks so, too." "Don't worry about Nanny, because she never thinks." "Make the castle more modern." "Ah." "Push buttons everywhere... sunken baths, deep carpets, plastic flowers..." "Ugh!" "Revolting." "It's just exactly what this Castle needs." "Good." "Right, I'll start tomorrow." "You and I, Igor, can..." "Wait a second, though." "Whoa, whoa, slow down a moment." "There is one problem." "What are we gonna do for money?" "Without money, we can't change a thing." "Oh, what a pity, sir." "Does this mean we'll have to stay as we are?" "Oh, tut, tut." "Well, I suppose that's the way the poison cookie crumbles." "I'll get on with putting up some more cobwebs, sir." "I have some really filthy ones in the cellar." "Excuse I, sir." "Quiet, toothless loon." "No, no, Igor." "If he has something to say, let him say it." "Well, sir, could I suggest a grant?" "Grant?" "What does he mean by a grant?" " My cousin Bernice has a Grant." " Really, Nanny?" "Yes." "She also has a Wayne, a Bobby, a Chuck, and a Sharon." "Mind you, she's very fond of children." "Are you suggesting that I should start a family, peasant?" "Oh, no, sir, not more Duckulas." "A grant be what the town hall gives you to do up an old place like this." "You mean money?" "The town hall gives you money?" "Oh, arr, sir." "I want you two up first thing in the morning." "Where are we going, Duckypoos?" "To the town hall, Nanny, to get our grant." "Ooh, nice." "So, you'd better bring something enormous to put the money in." "Uh, one of your hats would suffice, Nanny." "Right-o." "Well, I'm ready for bed." "Sir, please, don't be too hasty, sir." "Think before you act." "I'm only going to lie down for a few hours." "I do it every night." "No, sir." "I mean this money." "It's not right." "The Duckulas have never begged for anything in their lives." "They've always taken what they wanted." "Are you suggesting that I blast my way into the town hall and steal the money?" "Well, it was a thought, sir." "Uhh." "No, Igor, definitely not." "Sir, I beg of you, don't go begging for money." "I am not changing my mind." "We are all going to the town hall tomorrow, and that is that." "Nanny, you may take me up and tuck me in." "Careful, Igor." "You only just missed those people back there." "I know, sir." "My aim is getting worse, I fear." "Perhaps I could go back and have another go." "No, you could not, Igor." "Get us to the town hall and make it snappy." "Ooh!" "Well, I'm glad to see the brakes are OK, Igor." "Possibly they are a little too lively, milord." "Excuse me, my man." "Can you tell us where we go to get our grant?" " Oh, that depends." " Depends on what?" "That depends on whether I know meself." "Ah ha ha ha!" "A doorman and a humorist..." "an unusual combination." "My master, the Count Duckula, is seeking a small remuneration... in respect of his ancestral residence." "No, he's not." "He wants some money to do up his castle." "Mm-hmm." "Now, just tell us where we should go." "Right." "Ahem." "Up these here stairs, turn right... and straight along until you get to the end of the corridor." "Take the lift to the fourth floor, turn left, and then take the second on the right... and then the fifth door on the left and ask there." "Ah, is that the Grants for Old Castles Department?" "No, mate, that's Information." "They'll tell you where to go." "Hmm." "Sheesh." "Didn't he say the fourth door along on the fifth floor?" "No, no, no, he didn't, Nanny." "He said the fifth floor and the... the... the third door." "If my memory serves me correctly, sir..." "I'm sure it was the fourth door, second floor." "No, definitely the fourth on the fifth." "The fifth on the third." "Fourth on the second." "Fourth on the second, fifth on the third." "It sounds more like a football game." "Well, I think we ought to go back and start again." "I don't like being lost... especially when I don't know where I am." "It just has to be one of these doors, Nanny." "Just try one, will you?" "But which one?" "Well, any one." "It doesn't matter." "Ooh." "Um..." "Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a vampire..." "Nanny, just choose a door." "You have to find something." "Oh, all right, then." "We'll have this one." "Oh!" "Ugh!" "Phew!" "Well, that's not Information, is it?" "I think it's more likely to be the Water Department, sir." "Well, I'm going to make a complaint." "They didn't even provide any soap." "Ha!" "I'd say all the water had shrunk her brain, Igor... if I thought that she had one." "OK, let's try in here." "What the..." "Ow!" "Ooh!" "I think that that was the Sport and Recreation Department, sir." "Thank you, Igor." "Well, let's try another." "Aah!" "Don't tell me, Igor, the Gardening Department." "Gardening and Agricultural Department, milord." "Ouch!" "Aah!" "Ooh!" "Ow!" "Right, Nanny, I think you can try the next door." "Oh, all right." "I can't see any... ooh!" "Demolition Department." "Demolition Department." "My turn again." "I think I'll knock at the next door." "Enter." "Boy, Igor, what is that smell?" "If I'm not mistaken, milord... it is essence of old sock... mixed liberally with rotting cabbage leaves... and a dash of sump oil." "Mmm." "Distinctive, wouldn't you say, sir?" "Brr!" "Most definitely, Igor." "My dear old mother wore this very same perfume... the night she met my father." "Oh, it must've been a very short relationship." "On the contrary." "I was one of fourteen children." "Sump oil always had a special place in my father's heart." "Morning, morning." "The name's Catchpole." "Oh, dear, that cleaning woman will have to go." "Now, exactly what can I do for you lot?" "Um, we've come about the money." "The money?" "What money?" " The money for the Castle." " Oh, that money." "Well, why didn't you say so?" "Just sign here, please." "Aha!" "Ha ha!" "We're gonna be rich, Igor, rich!" "Just one moment, milord." "It's always better to read the small print before signing anything." "Mmm." "Aha." " Look here at the bottom." " What is it, Igor?" "If you sign this, milord, you are contracted... to empty every trash can in Transylvania for life." "For life?" "But I may not live that long." "Oh, let me assure you that a life in garbage is a splendid one." "You'll never regret it." "But I don't want to empty trash cans all my life." "I just want a little money to do up the castle." "Ah, but think of the benefits... the seventy-two hour week, your own beret... use of the trash cart at weekends." "No, I don't think so, thank you." "Maybe another day or another decade even." "Happy disposing." "Bye." "Phew!" "That was close." "We could have ended up smelling that smell for the rest of our lives." "Oh, mother." "Oh, boy." "Come on, let's go." "Come on, Nanny." "Hey, look, everybody..." "over there, information." "It was there all the time." "Look." "Right, come on." "Good morning, good morning." "I'd like some information." "Certainly, sir." "Now, let me see what I have." "I..." "Oh, yes." "Now, did you know that the first professional American architect... was called Charles Bulfinch?" "Well, no, I didn't, actually." "Or that Louis the XII of France was married at fourteen?" "No, I can't say that..." "Or that Longfellow's mother was called Zilpah?" "Look, all I want is information!" "Well, that's what you're getting, aren't you?" "Ha ha." "Ha ha." "Yeah, but it's not the information that I require." "What is the information you require?" "Well, I want to know..." "Now, are you listening carefully?" "Good." "I want to know where I go for a grant for my crumbling castle." "Crumbling castle grant information is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday." "Today is Tuesday." "Yes, but all I want is the grant office." "Surely you can tell me where that is." "Grant office information is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday." " Today is..." " Tuesday." "Yes, I know." "Look." "Look..." "Listen, can't you whisper it to me?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "I won't tell anyone." "Write it down, then, huh?" " Just point." " Sorry, sir." "The information you require is only given out on Monday." "Look, let's not go through all that again." " All I want is information." " Certainly, sir." "Ah, now we're getting somewhere." "Did you know that there have been sixteen popes called Gregory?" "I don't believe it!" "I come in here to find out about grants... and all you can talk about is popes and funny fish!" "Take me away from all this!" "Here, Duckypoos, look what we've found." "Don't tell me, Nanny." "I just don't want to know." " Oh, that's a shame." " Why?" "Because it's what we've been looking for, sir." "The Grants for Crumbling Castles Department." "That's it." "We're here at last." "Hello there." "I'm your friendly neighborhood count... and I've come for a grant." "We did it, Igor." "We did it." "So I perceive, sir." "Now we can have those fur-lined baths." "And those three werewolves up the wall." "And the mock Tudor bathroom with the beamed bidet." "This is going to be the best looking castle in the whole of Transylvania." "That's if we can get back there, sir." "What do you mean, Igor?" "It appears our transport has been clamped, sir." "Oh, no!" "We've got the Transylvanian clamp." "Ooh, I've got some ointment for that." "No, Nanny, the wheel's been clamped." "We shouldn't have parked here." "That's your fault, Igor." "Now we have to pay a fine." "At Room 7914/6, sir, in the, um..." "I know, in the town hall." "Come on, back we go." "What room does it say, Igor?" "7914/6, sir." "If we go to the fifth floor, third corridor..." "Didn't he say the fourth door along on the fifth floor?" "No, he didn't." "Nanny." "He said the fifth floor and the third door." "If my memory serves me correctly, sir, it was the fourth..." "Oi, you're next." "Come on, we haven't got all day." " Wait a minute, I..." " It's all three of you, is it?" "Oh, well, get it out of the way quicker, I suppose." "Come along, hurry up." "Come in, come in, come in." "Yeah, well, we'd like..." "like you to give your, um..." " What is it they're giving?" " Evidence, Mr. Chairman." "Oh, yes, yes, yeah." "Evidence?" "Yes, yes." "Jolly good." "Carry on." "Um... who, me?" "Yes, yes, yes." "Yes, you." "Oh." "Ha ha." "What about?" "It's about... about the, um..." "Oh, yes, yes." "What about exactly?" "The extension to the railway, Mr. Chairman." "That... that's it." "Yeah." "The extension to the railway, should... should we have one?" "On the other hand, shouldn't we have one?" "Well now, let me see." "There are, of course, two answers to that." "Here they are." "Oh." "What are they?" "Well, there's yes, and then there's, um, no." "Quite, quite." "A very good point." "Put that down in the... in the... in the... in the minutes." "Ahem." "Gentlemen, please listen to me." "Gentlemen, let's face it." "We're not just talking about a railway here." "Sir, sir, please don't get carried away." "We're talking about the future... and the future of our children and our children's children... a future built on the prosperity the railway will bring." "More houses, better schools, digital watches." "Wasn't it Abraham Lincoln who once said..." ""You can fool some of the people some of the time..." ""and half of the people at halftime... but a fool and his money are soon parted"?" "Great words, even today." "And remember, Abraham Lincoln used trains regularly." "So, if it's good enough for Abraham Lincoln... it's good enough for us." "So, think of the future, gentlemen." "Think of your children." "Think of the country you love..." "Transylvania." "Give your heart, give your vote, and give your money!" "And say yes to the railway, gentlemen..." "say yes!" "Oh, Nanny, why did I do it?" "Why?" "Oh, there, there, Duckypoos." "You weren't to know." "I thought I'd better warn you, milord..." "Oh, don't tell me, Igor." "It's the 12:50 from Strotsylvania again, huh?" "Did you notice that, Igor?" "What was that, sir?" "There was no buffet car." "And so we say farewell to Castle Duckula... and to the 9:42 Durazzo to Viipuri express." "Until we meet again... good night out there... whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"