"Joey Coco Diaz," "I'm a stand-up motherfucking comedian." "In a way, I've been doing this all my life, really, because sometimes when I got on stage," "I just take it back to the delicatessen where I grew up in Jersey." "And that's what you did." "My hometown, everybody was fucking funny so when you had the opportunity to talk, what came out of your fucking mouth better be gold." "I started out in a cafeteria at a correctional facility." "I didn't even know what the fuck I was doing at the time." "I slept in cars, I drove all around this fucking country." "It's been a long journey, it's been 25 years, you know, of trial and error." "But you know what?" "That ends tonight because I got my first one hour special." "And I'm shooting it tonight, right here in Chicago." "The Windy motherfucking City." "And I have never been this fucking excited." "So get ready to rock, cocksuckers." "Uncle Joey's coming for you." "[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joey Diaz." "[cheering, applause] -[rock music plays]" "Thank you." "Thank you." "I'm gonna tell you a little story." "Hold on." "I'm getting anxiety." "Hold on one second." "When I was like 12, right..." "I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey." "But my mom had a bar in the city." "It was very Cuban." "It was the second biggest Cuban population in the country behind Miami." "Very Cuban, arguments and Santeria and chickens on the street and shit." "Cuban sandwiches, people smoking cigars, gambling, and they all had weird names and shit." "They all had like a nickname." "Like [speaks Spanish]." "That means "sad pussy."" "Like shit like that." "Like..." "Like they were just crazy and shit." "So fucking there was this guy, Willy Bambi, his name was." "When I was a kid, he'd come to my mom's bar." "And he would always, like, he wouldn't threaten me, but he would always say things to me, like fucked up things." "I just didn't pay-- he was six-foot-four, thin, like 180, one of those thin dudes and shit, real ribbed up, like Jesus, like..." "You go to church, Jesus is all ribbed up and shit." "You know?" "And he had a bar, it was called [speaks Spanish]." "Club 38." "And during the week, he had bands and shit." "But on Saturdays, he had his own performance." "And his claim to fame, as I got older, they told me was, if you ever saw Godfather 2, when they take Michael Corleone to the place where they have the little chick tied up, the human trafficking chick," "and they got this Cuban guy playing the bongo, and this guy comes out with a robe and shit." "And he takes off the robe, they don't show it, but the guy's got a big dick like a motherfucker." "And all these Italians are like, "Oh, my God!" "That's fucking Superman," and all that shit." "That's when Michael finds out that Fredo betrayed him." "You see?" "That's a pivotal scene." "So you don't focus on the man's dick." "But... that was his claim to fame, that fucking his grandfather was the dude in Godfather 2." "So his claim to fame was he had a big dick like his grandfather, right?" "So I didn't fuck with the motherfucker, right?" "Like, I'd see him and say hello and shit." "But one night my dad lent him money for something, he had to go there and collect the money, on one of those nights when he shows his dick and stuff." "Because you wanna..." "he got..." "Do you wanna come in there?" "This was fucking surreal to me." "I was like, "What the fuck is going on here?"" "And I see all these people with suits on and shit, with cups." "There had to be like 200 people." "And in the thing, instead of a comedian, there was like a chick tied up." "Right?" "Like... [speaks Spanish]" "She was like..." "And then two Cuban dudes with conga drums and shit." "[humming tune]" "And then like fire would come out and Willy would come out with a robe, right?" "[humming tune]" "Fucking hilarious." "You can't write this shit." "By that point, my jaw has dropped," "I got anxiety, right?" "I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna see." "My dad's like, "Hold on." "Let me just get the money and we'll leave." "I'll take you for ice cream."" "And the next thing you know, Willy opens up his robe, and his dick was three, four feet long." "It was like a tail." "But it was skinny like a motherfucker." "Like him and his uncles had gotten together and pulled it like a tooth, you know what I'm saying?" "[laughs]" "What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?" "Uncle Joey here tonight, bitches." "[cheering, applause]" "You're gonna hear some fucked up shit tonight, all right?" "But I'm like that uncle." "Everybody's got that uncle like me, all right?" "He's a little fucked up, he did some time, but he's your mother's brother, all right?" "He borrowed $800 from your dad, never paid him back." "He pawned Grandma's wedding ring by mistake." "But he's fucking solid." "He's got your back and shit." "All right?" "That's all you need to know." "I'm gonna say fucked up shit, all right?" "But I'm that uncle that got you rolling papers that time." "And I got you your first porno." "And when you got the crabs, I got you the shampoo with the little comb and shit." "I never told nobody, cocksucker." "Know what I'm saying?" "It's great to be here." "It's great to be in Chicago." "Thank you very much for letting me shoot my special in the phenomenal city of Chicago." "The last fucking frontier!" "Thank you, you bad motherfuckers!" "I know you're waiting for me and shit." "[cheering]" "And I'll tell you, man, this is like one of the last cities that you gotta get up for the National Anthem." "That's what I love about it." "You don't get up for the National Anthem here, there's gonna be a fucking problem, okay?" "It's like where I grew up in Jersey." "You don't get up for the National Anthem, you get the shit knocked out of you after school." "And if you're a Jehovah's Witness, we just beat you with the fucking suitcase, you cocksucker Jehovah!" "Jehovah better show up next time with you and shit." "It's true." "This motherfucker got away with that shit." "'Cause it was San Francisco and everybody's nice and, you know... [chuckles]" "They couldn't get away with that shit at Soldier Field." "Some old Vietnam vet with Agent Orange and shit, didn't get his benefits." "That motherfucker will hit that Kaepernick kid with a slingshot." "Right in the fucking head, his head will blow right up and shit." "The cops will help him out of the stadium." ""Come on, sir." "You're a national hero." "Fuck that Kaepernick kid."" "Gotta be a fucking American, cocksucker." "When I came from Cuba, I was not allowed to speak Spanish outside the house." "My mom would not let me, don't fucking... [speaks Spanish]" "And I stuck to it." "Only fucking American outside the fucking house." "Hablo whatever..." "[speaks Spanish]" "Whatever the fuck you wanna talk about." "But one time, right, when I was in seventh grade, we're playing Little League, and the fucking Little League coach, we're on the bus, some kid kept talking Spanish, and Mr. Fontana was his name, he goes, "Speak Spanish again," "I'm gonna throw you off the bus."" "Guy told him to go fuck himself in Spanish." "[speaks Spanish] He threw him off the bus." "Kid had to walk home 40 fucking miles." "The rest of the Cuban kids were like, "That's it." "This is fucking..." "we're calling our congressman,"" "and all this shit." "I walked in like a little half a fag," ""Ma, Ma!" "They violated our human rights and shit."" "My mom is like, "You got no human rights!" "You're a refugee, cocksucker!"" "But shit's changed." "Shit's changed now in this country." "Now you could speak-- you have to speak Spanish now." "If you don't speak Spanish now, you're fucked." "Like you're really fucked." "Like how do you eat?" "How the fuck do you eat?" "Who do you think's running these fucking restaurants?" "Bob, that fucking guy that comes up to you?" ""Hi, my name is Bob." "The special today is grilled zucchini."" ""I smoked 18 joints, Bob, okay?" "Bring me something." "Show up with something, cocksucker!"" "Then you see that little lonely Mexican, nobody's talking to him, he's polishing glasses and shit." "He's thinking about his grandmother in Mexico." "Nobody talks to the motherfucker." "It's like he's got the HIV." "Nobody says a word to that motherfucker." "That's the guy you gotta make eye contact with!" "And then just, "Primo!"" "And he'll say to you, "No, is that you?"" "And you're like, "Yeah, that's me."" "He'll come right over, then you pop a ten dollar bill in his fucking hand, "Here you go, Primo." "I love you, motherfucker."" "He'll look at it like it's a picture of Jesus." ""Wow!"" "And watch your table grow with food." "Next thing you know, you're getting bananas and apples and waters and tea bags and salt and pepper and sugar, the blue shit, the cancer shit." "He brings you a blanket and sandals and a Chihuahua." "Pictures of his family, playing the guitar and shit." "This guy don't stop!" "You could tell him, "Do me a favor." "Get the bread off that fucking table right there." "That fucking family, get that fucking bread."" "[speaks Spanish]" "That's fucking loyalty, cocksuckers, right there." "You don't get that type of loyalty no more." "What happened with Bernie Sanders?" "What happened?" "Eight weeks ago, you're jumping up and down, ha-ha!" ""Bernie, folky man!" "Ha-ha!"" "He gets an envelope, he disappears, like fucking Benny Hoffa, whatever his name is." "Jimmy Hoffa, Benny Hoffa, I don't know nothing." "You just forgot about him, like the tranny bathroom." "You just forgot about it." ""Piss outside, you fuck!" "When you make up your mind, come on back here!"" "[laughs]" "Thought I forgot about the tranny bathroom, cocksuckers." "But you can't, you gotta be nice now." "Everybody, that's what we strive for." "Nobody can be honest." "You can't voice an opinion." "Thank you." "People get upset, you won't be invited to barbecues anymore and shit." "They look at you all weird, "That's the guy that called her a fat lesbian."" "Everybody's too fucking nice." "And we're faking the funk." "It's like when the kid fell into the fucking gorilla exhibit." "Who gives a fuck about the gorilla?" "But the next day, 80 people showed up there, marching, "Save the gorilla." "Don't shoot the gorilla."" "Don't you have a fucking job?" "Don't you have a life?" "You have a connection with this fucking gorilla?" "What's wrong with you people?" "Don't you know these zoos are fucking rigged and shit?" "We don't have good fucking zoos over here no more." "There's like four good zoos in the country, that's it." "That's it:" "San Diego, they got a reptile in Miami, they got-- that's it!" "All the rest of them, we got bum fucking animals." "You ever go to the zoo with your kid, the gorilla's whacking off, he's got a finger in his butt, smelling it and shit." "The assistant has to cut the banana up for him." "And he looks at it like it's a fucking, you know..." "Go to China!" "Go to a zoo in China!" "Go ahead!" "They fucking got the best animals over there." "The fucking gorillas are dressed up like the Beatles, fucking playing" "They're reading fortunes and shit." "The fucking giraffes are ice skating, that's..." "But you know what?" "I didn't know nothing about zoos." "I didn't know anything about zoos." "I'm like you guys." "You know, who does coke and goes to the zoo?" "You know what I'm saying?" "But then I had a baby, so now I gotta go to the zoo the last three years and make believe like I give a fuck." "You know?" "You see, $20 to walk uphill to see a tiger that just came from chemo." "He got no hair left, he got flies all over him and shit, he's sleeping half the time." "What's wrong with the fucking cat?" ""Oh, he's sedated."" "They gave him a Cosby pill, that poor fucking leopard." "I'm throwing rocks at that motherfucker, he don't give a fuck." "And don't get me wrong, I love animals." "All right?" "I love animals." "You go in my trunk right now, I got cat food, dog food, and a ball to lure 'em, like a... like a pedophile, you following?" "[laughs]" "Speaking of pedophiles, let me talk to you people." "I hate fucking pedophiles." "Ever since I had this little daughter, I'm on the lookout for fucking pedophiles." "I can't stand them." "You understand me?" "I take her to the park, I got my eyes open." "My wife, she's a nice lady." "You know, she goes to the park, she don't watch that shit." "She's like, "Look at the trees." "Oh, my God, the swings are so clean."" "I don't give a fuck about the swings." "I give a fuck about that little girl." "She's over there lurking with that dad." "Everybody thinks he's legit to quit." "No, he's not." "Look at that motherfucker." "He's got little flip-flops on, he's got the little bubbles." "Never trust a man with flip-flops and bubbles." "Okay?" "Confucius said that, not Uncle Joey." "Confucius said that." "never trust one of those motherfuckers!" "'Cause all these parents, they're looking around." "Then they wonder why their kid fell in the fucking thing." "'Cause you're Facebooking, Pokemon-ing," "Snap-pat, whatever the fuck it is, Snapchat." ""Ha-ha-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "I'm at the zoo." "I don't know what happened." "I turned my head for one minute."" "Yeah!" "You were on fucking Facebook." "Watch your fucking kid!" "Then they go on Eyewitness News." ""I don't know what happened."" "I watch my kid." "I'm not good at anything." "But I will lock into that motherfucker." "'Cause I'm a felon." "I know what a pedophile looks like." "I will lock into that motherfucker." "I love 'em, I love 'em." "When I see a pedophile, my dick gets hard." "I'll tell you why." "'Cause it's entertainment for Uncle Joey." "I know I'm gonna get my paws on this guy." "I don't blow the whistle on him, I fucking lure him in." "I become his friend, I give him $5," ""Get more bubbles, yeah."" "[laughs] The kids love it." "Yeah." "Thursday nights by my house, no hold, park." "They have this park and all the people get together with the fucking food trucks." "I hate those food truck people too." "And I hate those food trucks." "That food sucks." "Just some-- "We love food trucks."" "What the fuck-- You eat a fucking sandwich, you're writing a suicide note from the fucking-- from the smoke in the truck and shit." "What is wrong with these people?" "That food sucks!" "But I go because my daughter-- there's property and people talk to each other, and there's little fucking misfits running around." "But I've been watching this bubble guy since day one." "This guy, I knew..." "I didn't go home and do a background check." "I didn't do nothing." "I just knew he was a creepy motherfucker." "He's got a bicycle, he's got a little basket, he's got like rope in the back." "I don't know what the fuck he's doing." "The rope did it!" "I'm watching this cocksucker!" "Right?" "And he's got like three kids, but he has like the old-fashioned bubble guy." "Like, he had the little old thing, you dip it in." "When you got one of those, you only lure three kids." "It's-- you do." "I was watching." "I pay attention to this shit." "I make believe like I'm mingling, but the whole time" "I got the fucking eye watching this cocksucker." "On alert, motherfuckers, on alert." "So the first..." "the first food truck season..." "You know, he didn't really do really well." "You know what I'm saying?" "'Cause he had that old-fashioned shit." "You only get like three kids." "I would send my daughter over there, go and play with... with the bubble guy." "I watched him the whole time." "So he went away for the holidays, we went back to Florida visit his uncles or whatever." "And that's where all the perverts go for the off season." "You go to Florida and get together with other fucking pedophiles." "What do you do?" "You get a fishing rope and you put a sparerib at the end, whatever the fuck." "[laughs]" "And they come back ready to go." "You could draft them in your flag-- little draft league and shit." "They come back from basic training, in Florida, ready to lure little fucking kids." "So he came back the second season with a box." "He put together a box." "And he gets one of those things, what" "Remember when you were a kid, you used to do this shit?" "A hula hoop!" "And he puts like bubble juice in there." "Right?" "And he dips the hula hoop and he goes like this." "Now he gets big bubbles, he gets big crowds." "Now he's got-- his percentages are higher." "Know what I'm saying?" "But I'm eyeballing this cocksucker the whole time!" "Know what I'm saying?" "I got him down and shit." "How he gets them is he waits for the bubbles to break." "And they go in the little kids' eyes." "And when they go like that, he scoops them up and tackles them and shit." "But I'm right there!" "I grab that cocksucker!" "See, that's where I come in like a superhero." "Again, I'm not a crime stopper." "I grab that cocksucker," "I take him, I drag him a little bit." "Stab him in the stomach a few times." "Take an ear and then dial 911." ""You're not gonna believe this, officer." "He came at me with a bubble machine." "I had--"" "[laughs]" "He's probably wanted in Idaho or something like that." "I got a reward." "And who makes out like a fucking doctor here?" "You follow me?" "Who makes out?" "You know..." "listen, let me tell you something." "You don't know what a pedophile looks like till you been chased by a fucking pedophile." "I was chased by a pedophile a couple of times." "Again, I'm gonna tell you a little story." "[laughs]" "When I came from Cuba, we lived on 205 W. 88th St." "But let's back the story up a little bit." "For starters, today we're fucking soft." "We have a generation of soft fucking kids." "Even as adults, we're soft." "How many pairs of sneakers you got?" ""I got hiking sneakers, and sneakers for when I run, 'cause they have more padding for my falling arch and..." "But on my right foot, I have a falling arch." "On my left foot, I'm just flat-footed." "On the toe, I need more support under the heel."" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "When I was a kid, Converse." "That's all you wore." "Chuck Taylors like a motherfucker." "If a nail went through it, that's it!" "It didn't matter!" "You understand me?" "There were Chuck Taylors." "High-tops." "That's what you" "If you wore low-tops, you were half a fag and you didn't get up for the National Anthem." "You wore high-tops like a pimp and shit!" "So at those times, the neighborhood pedophile," "I didn't know for sure, but he just had accusations." "His name was Mr. Martini." "And he wore like a black suit, he was like 60 with white hair." "And he always was kind of creepy, hated little kids, he'd always give you the finger and shit." ""Fuck you, you little motherfuckers."" "And that's how he baited you, you get into an argument," ""Fuck you, Mr. Martini." "Fuck you!"" "He'd chase you and shit." "But I never let it get to that." "I went a different route." "I used to have my little Converse and shit." "I was indestructible with those things." "In the mornings, I would take some Santeria pennies from my mother, and I'd get some of my Puerto Rican friends and some of my little dirty Irish friends." "And I'd go in front of Mr. Martini's house and he lived in a brownstone." "And he lived in the basement right down here." "I'd take pennies and I'd throw 'em over into his little thing." "When the little Puerto Rican kids and the Irish kids would jump over to get the pennies, I'd go," ""Mr. Martini, suck my weenie!"" "And he'd fucking... he'd fucking run out of there and chase us to death!" "And this guy was 60, but he had cardio like a motherfucker!" "He would chase us to Central Park around the lake and shit." "He was amazing." "He never caught none of us." "'Cause the word on the street was don't let Mr. Martini catch you." "He didn't just catch you and rough you up." "He beat you up and made you give him oral fucking sex and... he'd finger you, there was kids that were missing and shit like that." ""What happened?" "Mr. Martini caught him." "Nobody ever saw him again."" "[cheering]" "So... so Mr. Martini, right?" "I couldn't believe it." "He almost caught me one day." "And I'm fucking sitting there watching TV with my parents." "All of a sudden they have this advertisement for PF Flyers." "That they make you jump higher and run faster." "I'm like, fuck it, I'm in, 'cause now Mr. Martini can't fuck with me." "You know what I'm saying?" "So I talked my mother into going down there and getting me PF Flyers." ""Mr. Martini!"" "She's like, "What are you talking about?"" ""He's a fucking pervert." "Whatever..."" "So I get my PF Flyers, now I'm ready to torment Mr. Martini even better than before." "I got a handful of pennies, I got my little goombahs." "We go down there, let's fuck with Mr. Martini." "You ready?" "And they're like, at this point, they still trusted me." "They didn't know as soon as I threw the pennies over," "I was gonna holler at Mr. Martini to get us." "So I throw the pennies over, they jump over," ""Mr. Martini, suck my weenie!"" "He wasn't downstairs." "He wasn't downstairs!" "He jumped out of the fucking hallway, just leapt at us, and he's on us like a bad motherfucker that day!" "And he was on fire!" "He chased us from 88th St." "to 127th in Harlem." "Down to West Side Highway, 12th Avenue down, all the way down to 50-fucking-4th St." "We're like seven." "I'm looking at these other little dirty ba" "I'm like, "We gotta pick it up here." "We're fucking seven, this guy's 80 and he's on our fucking heels."" "We lose this little prick, right?" "We lose him." "We're on the corner of 88th and Broadway." "It's wintertime." "It's Christmastime." "They're selling Christmas trees." "I'm looking at one of the trees 'cause it's acting a little weird." "Know what I'm saying?" "All of a sudden, I see two hands open up this fucking bush, and it's Mr. Martini in the flesh!" "But as he jumps over to go get us," "I look to see what the fuck he's got on his feet." "'Cause that's what I want, whatever he's got on his feet, those are the sneakers I fucking need." "They were those sneakers!" "He had these black Jewish shoes." "You ever see 'em?" "Like, Jew sneakers, black with the thick rubber fucking bottom." "I ran home, "Ma, I want Jew sneakers and shit!"" "Now you laugh, those fucking sneakers today are Nike with the "J" for the swish." "Jew sneakers!" "Go ahead!" "I'm not gonna drop fake history on you motherfuckers." "I'm like NatGeo, you know what I'm saying?" "I had surgery recently." "It's fucked up, 'cause... karma hits you when you get older, like you don't even realize it." "When you get older, you pay for the shit you did as a young fucking man." "My thing was doing blow and jumping up and down and looking out windows." "You know." "You get fucked up and all of a sudden one day you stop and you think it's over, like, "Oh, you know, while I was doing coke I cleaned my nose every night with sea salt and water." "I should have no residue." But fuck!" "I joined jujitsu, I couldn't fucking breathe." "I thought it was 'cause I was a fat fuck." "No." "'Cause I couldn't breathe out-- People are like, listen, you gotta breathe in through your nose." "Your mouth, dude." "So I went to the doctor finally." "He's like, "Joey, you can't breathe."" "You know these fucking, the PPO, whatever this insurance is." "You gotta go see your family physician, then he sends you to another fucking guy." "First doctor they sent me to, I felt the karma." "His name was Dr. Line." "L-I-N-E." "I'm like, "Oh, this motherfucker."" "I sit down, he tells me, he takes the whatever, the x-ray, the brain thing." "He's like, "Listen, man." "You damaged your nose." "You have a deviated septum." That's another word for," ""You did a lot of coke when you were younger."" "And they clean it out, and then they break the bone and reset it and they put straws in there." "And they put like barbed wire from Guantanamo Bay to hold the fucking straws in there." "I'm like, "Oh!"" "I go home, my wife's like, "What happened?"" ""I got a deviated septum, but you know..."" "So I do the surgery, I do the whole thing." "And after like three days, I'm sitting at home, and I got the cat, I'm a little high on the fucking pills." "And I'm thinking to myself, "Life's a fucked up thing."" "You know?" "Ten years ago, right now," "I'd be walking around this apartment looking for a straw." "And now I got two of 'em right in my goddamn nose." "Life is a jacked up" "And the best thing was that I got nose surgery, but I woke up with a blister in my mouth." "And my wrist was all fucked up." "That's what really threw me off." "Like, what'd they do to me in that goddamn room?" "I wanna see the tape and shit." "You know, I'm not a little half [speaks Spanish]." "I'm not gonna fucking cry, you know." "I'm not-- 'cause usually you get molested, then it comes 40 years later." ""I got molested."" "So by the time I realize it, I'll be dead by that time." "So who gives a shit?" "Sorry about that." "I just had to drop that out there." "'Cause it's true, you pay for fucking everything." "That's what I'm worried about with my daughter." "I look at my little three year old now, she changed my life and shit." "But it's weird 'cause she's got some of my traits." "You don't want them to have the bad shit." "She always tells me to go fuck myself." "Not in those words." "She doesn't say, "Go fuck yourself, Daddy."" "She says something worse." "She goes, "No, thank you."" "That hurts even worse than "Go fuck yourself."" "For example, "Do you wanna go to the park?"" ""No, thank you." But you can hear her going," ""I wanted to go to the park three fucking hours ago, cocksucker." "You wanna come to me now?" "I'm tired." "It's nappy noo-noo time."" ""You hungry?" "You want some pizza?"" ""No, fucking thank you." She doesn't say "fuck."" ""No, thank you." "No, thank you." "I was hungry three hours ago, when you were eating ice cream." "You didn't wanna give me no ice cream and shit."" "I never thought I could ever have a child." "I had a child when I was fucking 50." "Who has a kid when they're fucking 50?" "That never happens." "You think you're juiced out, that's it." "Right or wrong?" "When you're 20, you're like," ""I'm gonna be done when I'm 40." "There's not gonna be nothing in there." Surprise, bitches." "Surprise." "It don't shoot out like it used to." "You know what I'm saying?" "It just blurps out onto your little old fungi toe and shit." "You gotta walk out of there like Jesus out of the cave and shit." "Know what it's like to have a fungi toe, people?" "You have no fucking idea." "You gotta put duct tape on it when you go to parties and shit." "People like, "What's wrong with your toe?" Traction." "But here's what killed me about the fungi toe." "I didn't know how I really-- [laughs]" "It's very tough to talk about, but who gives a fuck at this point, know what I'm saying?" "I even put CBD on it." "It don't work." "Nothing works." "I got a fucking pot plant growing out of my toe now and shit." "Every time I rub it, I smell it, I get high with" "It's like a mushroom toe, know what I'm saying?" "[laughs]" "I don't know, I left like a..." "A barbell fell on my big toe." "And it got black, and a year later, it fell off." "And while it was unguarded, the fungi went in, it's like a Benghazi toenail." "The fungi went in there and shit." "But that's not what baffled me." "What really fucked with me is how it jumped to the other big toe... with nothing." "It just went through everything." "It went through my internal nervous system, down to my big toe and just..." "It's embarrassing to talk about this shit." "Hey, listen, here's what happens when you get older, man." "Shit goes... shit goes downhill." "Your priorities even change." "You don't understand." "My life has changed lately, people." "Changed." "The last two months, I'm a new person." "And guys, you do what you want with this." "I don't care what you do with this." "This is the best" " I'm not selling you religion or an exercise or guru." "Something changed my life." "I got a portable bidet." "Now I had a bidet till the age of 15." "Once they took it away, it scarred me psychologically." "Something was wrong with me, something's wrong with me." "I'd have to go see a psychiatrist." "See, once I got the bidet, my youth came back to me." "It was unbelievable." "I will sit on that bidet and just think about nothing." "That little water hitting your muffler." "You just sit there." "All your problems go away." "Everything, it's better than that fucking soap they used to have, Calgor" "Calgzon, take me away." "Calgon." "Fuck Calgon." "This is a bidet." "You just sit there and you let that water hit your muffler." "And everything." "And then it hits the back of your scrotum." "So it's cleaning at the same time." "You getting a little bag and remove the algae." "Whatever the hell you get back there." "And nobody bothers you, you don't bother nobody." "You'll stop hanging out with your friends, you'll stop bowling, you'll stop wasting time." "You found the fountain of youth." "You just sit there with stuff like that." "And God forbid you have the hot water one." "That's when the party really starts." "That's when the party really starts." "You understand me?" "That's when you throw the TV out the window." "It's over." "Fuck Facebook!" "I'm done with Facebook!" "I got a bidet." "I don't need no social media!" "You just sit there all day, just with that little hot water just spitting up at your little muffler." "And you're going through all these lands and fantasies and Game of Thrones and shit." "And all of a sudden your wife knocks and you just shoot the motherfucker at that point." "You're like that South African with no legs." "Batalis, whatever his name is." "That's what happened, he had a bidet, she knocked on the door, "What are you doing in there?"" "Pow, pow, pow!" "That's what I'm fucking doing!" "I got hot water hitting me!" "We're beyond being politically incorrect, you know how that goes." "Wouldn't be a good show if I couldn't talk what the fuck was in my heart." "We don't live it, you gotta be careful now." "Gotta be very careful." "Every Monday, somebody says something, somebody gets offended." "People get very offended now." "We live in a time, oh, my God." "Every day somebody gets offended." "I started thinking about it." "When I first came here from Cuba, there was three types of gentiles." "There was rednecks, okay?" "You gotta love rednecks." "They're my favorite fucking gentile of all time." "My in-laws are rednecks." "They watch girls' softball, they're entertained." "They watch CNN, it's like a horror movie." "They sit there in fear." ""Oh, my God!" "The Zika virus!"" "But they're beautiful people." "They don't bother nobody." "They sit on their couch." "Then you have, like, blue collar people." "Like us, Jersey, Chicago, suburbs, you know?" "We dig, we paint, we build houses, we work with our fucking hands in the winter." "We got no class, we scratch our balls, right?" "We love sporting events." "Right?" "You go to the East Coast, "Jets!" "Jets!" "Jets!"" "And they spell it wrong." ""J-I-T-S!" You're like..." "But they're good people." "They got good hearts, they think a little off, you know what I'm saying?" "Then you have the top tier of the gentiles." "They drink mint juleps and... and listen to opera and, you know, they're kids are on the rowing team and..." "None of you are those people." "Right?" "If you think I'm lying to you, you Wikipedia this tonight." "They started popping up like in '58, '59." "Right after the Vietnam War, they started popping up." "This breed of gentile." "But every time they pop up in the '70s, they get smacked or punched in the face." ""Shut the fuck up, bitch." "Nobody was talking to you, motherfucker."" "But then in like 1990," "Starbucks came along." "And farmers markets." "So these morons had a fucking, you know what I'm saying?" "They had someplace to meet and collaborate on like..." ""You're not gonna believe this." "I've got OCD in my stomach."" "They're king of diseases." "They love kale." "Right?" "They love kale." "They love kale..." ""I wouldn't know what to do without kale."" "[laughs]" "They're gluten-free all of a sudden, right?" "All of a sudden, they're gluten-free." ""Oh, my God, I feel so much better."" "Their kids are allergic to peanuts." "Right?" "Their kids eat goat cheese, that's why they get bullied in school and shit." "And you wonder why." "It's American cheese or provolone, cocksucker!" "There ain't no goat cheese in my future, all right?" "Goat cheese in your lunch box, no wonder you get tortured, that little fuck!" "You know, they have to have the hat with the feather." "And they always, even if they have 20/20 vision, they have to have glasses on to show you they're intelligent." ""Oh, that was an insightful thing you said the other night."" "Who gives a fuck, Joe, okay?" "They're the ones that are ruining shit!" "They're the ones with that fake fucking bullshit and "we love Bernie" and then he disappeared." ""It's a great moment in history."" "All that bullshit." "They're the ones that do all this fucked up shit." "I'm up around those people, man, I live around those people." "It's kinda fucked up." "You know, I came up, when I first moved to California," "I used to cater." "I used to cater these parties and they'd be dancing and shit to Mexican music." ""We love the Spanish music," and shit." "And in the same breath they go, "Pick up the dog shit, Rosa!"" "You don't like nobody." "Couple weeks ago, when I first moved to this new place, they invited me out to this neighborhood party." "They had ISIS there." "Listen, ISIS was there." "He had the turban with the creepy eyes and shit." "He smelled all fucked up." "He's hissing at the white people... [hissing]" "Meanwhile, they're like, "We love Muhammad!" "Oh, my God!" "He brought hummus and shit!" "And a guy with a flute with a snake." "We love him." "We love that culture." Then when he leaves, they Lysol the chairs and they throw away the fucking silverware and shit like that." "That's the people that are voting now." "Listen, I got felonies." "I can't vote." "Thank fucking God." "Okay?" "I'm not bragging, but thank fucking God." "Okay?" "Some people say I'm fucked up 'cause I'm a little racially... insensitive at times, or I racially profile." "Listen, in today's economy you gotta racially profile if you're gonna make it in this economy." "Okay?" "In '88, I got arrested for kidnapping." "Okay?" "Wasn't really kidnapping." "I had a machine gun, he had a kilo of coke." "It happens, okay?" "Wasn't really kidnapping." "Just an exchange that went awry." "You know?" "He never watched Miami Vice and I did." "[laughs]" "But I got a Jewish attorney." "Why?" "'Cause I didn't want to go to jail." "I'll pay whatever." "I'm not going to jail." "So I got a Jewish attorney." "'Cause they're the best at what they do." "That's just" " I'm sorry." "I know you're white and you're German and you're whatever and you're like attorneys, but no." "If I slip right now, I get a Jew attorney." "'Cause I know I'm collecting." "That's how fucking easy it is." "And don't look at me like that." "Listen, all you people are striving Americans." "You're looking to buy a home." "When you buy your home, one of those-- you ever buy those condos and associations and you gotta pay fucking $9,000 a month?" "And you're like, "Fuck this." So you buy your own house, 'cause you can make your own decisions." "And you shop it out and you go," ""Who's gonna fucking mow my lawn?"" "Who are you gonna get?" "The three white guys from the corner?" "Really?" "No, you're not." "You're gonna get three fucking Mexicans that'll go out there in 150 fucking degrees and mow that fucking lawn." "And they won't complain about nothing." "You really want to give it to Jim and his brothers?" "But you know what you're gonna get." ""Oh, my God, it's gonna be a hot day today." "We're gonna need a lot of water today." "We don't wanna dehydrate." "You know." "You have a radio?" "We listen to Paul Harvey at lunchtime and shit."" "Those Mexicans, there's no workman's comp in the work Mexicans world!" "You never saw a Mexican on workman's fucking comp." "I have a neighbor, he fell off a roof, the next day, bam!" "At work, 8:01 in the fucking morning." "Limping, but he showed up like a motherfucker." "Okay?" "I get sentimental about Mexicans that get hurt." "It's fucking crazy." "I had this TV..." "[woman] I love you, Joey." "I love you too, you sexy bitch." "I had this TV..." "[cheering]" "I had this TV that weighed like 10,000 pounds my friend gave me." "And it was up a fucking flight of steps." "I needed like eight guys to carry it up the steps." "I'm not kidding you." "Four on each side, a rope." "We get it up there, after a month, the remote breaks and the TV's out of stock so you can't fix the remote." "So you couldn't watch the TV unless you, you know, it was, like, on 98 and you would go deaf listening to it, so I had to get rid of it, I didn't know what to do." "I swear to God, there's these two Mexican dudes that lived three doors down from me." "They were a family, but the dad and the son have a junk truck, where they just pick shit up and take it out and stuff." "I went up to them, "Hey, man, I got this TV." "I don't know if you want it."" "You think they got a rope?" "Do you think they got a carpet?" "Or they put like a weight-lifting belt on?" "You ever seen those dudes?" "They were out there eating a burrito, minding their own business." "And I walked up to them, there was no warm-up." "They just walked up the stairs, I swear to God, looked at it, he told his son, "Open the door."" "His son opened the door, he got..." "He's fucking 60 and his son's 20." "He just picked up the TV and put it on his son's back." "They didn't take the door off the hinges, there was no measuring." "There was no fucking Copernicus thinking, "Oh, my God." "That's a big doorway." "I don't know..."" "These two Mexicans ran down the fucking block." "[laughs]" "It was like those dudes that were carrying Grace Jones in that... [laughs]" "We're fucking soft now, that's it." "People..." "We're soft, that's it." "Nobody wants to..." "Look at what's destroying the country." "We're getting destroyed by egg whites." "That's what makes all of us weak is men." "We're fucking weak." "Keep eating those fucking egg whites." "Let me ask you guys a question, as family." "You know I love you to death." "You ever cum on somebody's tits?" "The shit that drips, that's the egg white." "Okay?" "Next time you're eating the egg white, think of the shit that drips." "The egg yolks sticks to the breast, does it not?" "They got to loofa that motherfucker off." "But meanwhile, you wanna eat the egg white with shallots and mushrooms and..." "Then you wonder why you got erectile dysfunction and you wonder why you got low tea and..." ""Oh, my God, I got a concussion playing ping-pong."" "That's why!" "Egg whites, you dumb fuck!" "You gotta eat egg yolks like a motherfucker!" "And don't look at me like," ""Joey, what the fuck do you know?"" "What the fuck do I know?" "I knocked my wife up at 50." "Okay?" "And what-- -[cheering]" "I knocked my wife up at fucking 50." "And with the amount of marijuana I smoke." "Okay?" "It's scientifically unheard of." "But I eat two egg yolks every morning." "One for each fucking nut sack." "Okay?" "My nut sack does not leave the house without two egg yolks." "No potatoes, you know I'm against the carbs like a motherfucker." "I get that razorblade, I cut around that egg yolk, like Pauly in Goodfellas." "I cut around that motherfucker." "Keep eating those egg whites, cocksuckers." ""I need..." Listen, I ain't got nothing." "We've all gotten erectile dysfunction." "But not like when you're playing at the park." "My dick is harder than hell." "You understand me?" "It's like, you know, when you're doing blow." "When you do blow, you get dead dick." "Remember, right?" "It goes all the way into your nut sack." "You gotta get a lighter, put it under there." "It pops out, you're like, "Hold on, give me five minutes."" "You know, that type of shit." "[laughs]" "Everybody's fucking slipping." "Don't worry about it." "Even black people are slipping, as much as I love 'em." "I would" " I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Julius Erving and fucking Richard Pryor." "I wouldn't do this shit." "Black people slipped this year." "With all the problems you got, you're worried about the fucking Oscars?" "Really?" "Brothers getting shot every day and you're worried about the fucking Oscars? "I can't believe we didn't get nominated for Best Costume." No." "No." "I saw Fresh Outta Compton." "It's okay." "It was okay." "Not a fucking Academy Award winner." "I saw it eight times on HBO." "It's okay." "Nobody was jumping up and down." "Now you wanna come out and you're mad about the fucking Oscars." "Where were you in '73 when the best black film of all time came out?" "Blacula." "The best movie of all fucking time!" "[cheering]" "If you ain't black, you ain't proud, bitch, you haven't seen Blacula." "They ran out of black makeup." "They put Bic on his cheeks and shit." "He didn't have a cape, that's how bad he was." "He was half-vampire, and half-pimp." "That's never been written before." "He didn't even bite you in the neck." "He just sucked his horn." "That's it." "He just went like this with his cape, and a big black thing came out." "Like Willy Vandy and shit." "Fucking Blacula." "Nobody cared about Blacula." "Not one person-- that was 1973." "The same year Marlon Brando sent an Indian up, the American Indian..." "I know you guys are looking at me like, "Joey, what do I give a fuck about this?"" "'Cause my show's not about ha-has and hee-hees." "I want you to take something with you, you understand me?" "Knowledge is power." "Iacocca, okay?" "Two weeks ago, I got up in the middle of the night," "NatGeo had a show about how to make meth." "I don't do meth." "Did I watch it?" "Abso-fucking-lutely." "Right?" "Some nights, somebody comes over, I got no rolling papers, fuck it." "I got batteries, I got cold medicine." "I'll tune you up, cocksucker." "[laughs]" "Knowledge is power." "What was I talking about?" "I'm sorry." "Yeah, fucking Brando sends this American Indian up because they're protesting American Indians, and not one black guy got up and said," ""Fuck the Indians." "How about Blacula, cocksucker?"" "Not one guy got up, and now you wanna protest it." "And you guys know for a fact, for a fact, now after all this time on earth, black Dracula is way better than white Dracula." "They're tremendous." "Remember fucking Blade?" "Don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about." "Chinese people dancing with blood on them." "Guy getting his dick sucked and shit." "And all of a sudden, Blade came in with his sword stabbing motherfuckers." "That's a tremendous motion picture!" "Every racist watches that fucking movie." "Even the KKK watches it once a month and shit." ""We loves Blade!"" "But you all know, and you say this shit, everybody knows that black people are the best at scaring people." "Nobody scares people like black people." "Definitely out of jokes." "I don't fucking know what happened." "You know what I'm saying?" "Sometimes..." "I'm just getting old, man." "I'm getting old." "The fungi toe..." "Now I got this little fucking girl I gotta raise and shit." "That's enough pressure." "You gotta raise a little girl, that's enough pressure when you're a fucking savage." "You know, my life has changed completely." "There were days I used to get pictures of women lighting firecrackers in their monkey and shit." "Texting me." "Now I gotta erase those things as a responsible dad." "Right?" "You can't even look at 'em, they're like fucking..." "Trying to raise my daughter, you know?" "Like, I'm 53, listen." "The average man lives to be 74." "Let's pretend I did a couple of things." "I swam in the Hudson," "I drank Flint water, know what I'm saying?" "I'm not gonna live to 74." "So I gotta do what I can do now." "I don't want my daughter to grow up to be a victim." "I don't want her outside the YMCA crying with a teddy bear, "Let me in," and shit." "I want her to stab motherfuckers." "I ain't fucking with you people." "I swear to God, I can't have that shit in my house." "Last week at daycare, I watch her." "I take her to daycare." "If I'm home, I walk her and pick her the fuck up." "I need that responsibility." "'Cause I failed once as a parent." "We'll get to that later." "So this time, I do it the fuck right." "And I walk her and I let her know I got her back." "The other day I took her to fucking school and some kid pushed her, pushed her a little bit." "And she didn't know, you know?" "When they're there" "Listen, I don't want her life virginity to be broken yet." "You have two virginities." "You have your little monkey virginity, and your life virginity." "Right?" "Like my life virginity broke at five." "I got hit in the head with a fucking Thermos." "All right?" "That changed me forever." "After that Bruce Lee came along and I became a karate man." "Then I became a pyromaniac," "I started lighting things on fire and shit." "That changed me forever, that hit in the head." "If I didn't get hit till I was ten, my life would have taken a different fucking turn." "Know what I'm saying?" "Then I got left back." "Did I ever tell you I got left back, 'cause I got addicted to dry humping." "I used to dry hump this girl" "I used to dry hump this girl every day after school." "Just dry humping, no breasts, no tit, no nothing." "We dry humped to Earth, Wind, and Fire." "Every day." "The one side, I just dry humped her to death." "I used to tear that zipper up." "I used to..." "And I got so retarded, I didn't do my homework." "I didn't go to karate." "I got left back and shit." "I'm sorry I gotta tell you that, but we gotta be on the true level here." "I'm no fucking Socrates here, so..." "I don't want my daughter to end up fucking dry humping." "You understand me?" "'Cause that's what happens." "A couple weeks ago, I had to go to Pittsburgh for something, as I'm leaving, my wife goes," ""It's her first dance at school."" "I go, "Fuck, why didn't you tell me this two weeks ago?" "I would have fucking canceled." "They gotta replace me Friday night." "I want to go to that dance." She goes, "It's no big deal." "You can miss a fucking dance from time to time."" "I go, "No, you can't." "No, you can't."" "Because they remember that shit." "There you are one night watching Wild World of Sports, she's in the garage blowing a guy." "Because..." "Because you didn't go to the fucking dance when she was three." "This is the shit I think about." "You understand me?" "I did a lot of creepy things when I was growing up." "Okay?" "Let me tell you lesson number one." "If you're a racist, don't have a sister." "[laughs]" "That one just works by itself." "Know what I'm saying?" "That's like a magician with a cough." "It works by it-fucking-self." "I gotta get the fuck out of here, guys." "But I wanna thank you guys for letting me shoot my fucking special in your fucking tremendous city, man." "[cheering]" "I did it." "And I don't know if you guys know, this is my first special ever." "I picked you guys..." "You know, in 1995, I got into a divorce." "The bitch took my fucking mustard." "Who takes your mustard?" "Has anybody ever taken your mustard?" "It cuts deep." "You understand me?" "Nobody takes your fucking mustard." "You people are Chicago people." "Can you imagine?" "You make a hot dog, you put a pickle on it, and you're ready to throw the mustard on that motherfucker?" "And there's no mustard in your house." "You run to a house and stab her three times out of principle." "And the same cop that lets off the Vietnam vet at the stadium, will let you off that day." ""She did what?" "She took your motherfucking mustard." "I hope you stabbed her 18 times and shit."" "But I didn't go for it, so I lost a child." "I lost a kid in the divorce type deal." "The kid and me don't talk, know what I'm saying?" "So I had a decision to make in 1995." "I was gonna kill those motherfuckers." "You know me, dog." "When you got one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel, I had nothing to fucking lose." "And they kept fucking with me." "And at that time," "I was just starting comedy." "I used to come home at night cry myself to sleep and shit." "I would write the clubs I wanted to perform at." "Like, I'm not gonna be good enough." "And then it don't matter, I'm gonna end up in jail." "And I kept saying that shit to myself," ""I'm gonna go to jail, I'm gonna stab her and the boyfriend, and I'm gonna go to jail and get a fax machine and fax jokes to Jay Leno and shit."" "That was my future, I swear to God." "And one day, he called me a spic and shit." "And I had two felonies, right?" "And I smacked him." "And the cop came but I had done comm" " Listen." "I got caught shoplifting one day at... a fucking-- a CD." "I used to go to Sear's when I was broke and I'd take a whole case of CDs and sell them for $8 a pop." "And one day I got caught while I was out on a felony charge." "So I couldn't tell them who I was." "This is the same cops that arrested me on the felony charge." "I gave him a different fucking name." "That's how cool I was." "Okay?" "They were in the jail calling me Jose, but on the paper I'm like Carlos or something like that." "Right?" "They're like, "How you doing, Jose?"" "I'm fingerprinting and shit." "So I talk my way out of there." "Let me tell you how God and life is fucked up." "So I went back, I didn't just get out," "I had to call a girlfriend, go, "Hi." "This is Carlos Perez," or whatever fucking name I gave." ""Remember, I took you out on a date last week."" "She's like, "This is Joey." I go, "This is Carlos Perez." "I lost my wallet." "Come to the station, and bail me out." So she came and bailed me out." "It was like a $50 bail." "But I needed somebody 'cause I had no wallet on me." "I had a wallet, it was in my car." "They didn't fucking know that." "The whole time I had just got out of jail for kidnapping." "And I'm in there again for shoplifting." "They can't tell the difference." "But me being the asshole that I did," "I even went back to court as Carlos the shoplifter." "Right?" "You know why?" "'Cause I'm fucking loyal." "That's why." "And they sentenced me to six months, but community service." "So I go, you know what?" "I'm gonna do community service at the HIV place." "I would go over there and sweep and shovel snow and I would paint the wall." "There was a cop there." "Me and the cop would talk every day. "What's up?"" ""Nothing, how you doing?" "Joey, what makes you come here?"" ""I'm on probation." "What'd you do?"" "We just became friends." "So I finish my six months doing the fucking wall at the AIDS place, and I did it on time." "And I forgot all about it." "So this one day I'm with my three year old, she was five at the time, this is 20 years ago." "I'm gonna drop her off, she says, "Joey, what does spic mean?"" "I go, "It means a Spanish person." "Who told you this?"" "She goes, "Every time you call the house, that's what Mommy's boyfriend calls you."" "So I say I'm gonna fuck this motherfucker up." "Right?" "So that was it." "Six months earlier," "I went to his job with a knife and he wasn't there." "And I was already prepared to take this motherfucker out." "And I had two felonies, so I knew the third one had to count, I just couldn't push him." "Know what I'm saying?" "I had to punch him and stand on him and kick him in the head and drag him with the car." "It had to be fun, know what I'm saying?" "So I get there, and he's standing up there like Joe Muscles." "But I met him by a Safeway." "And it was on 30th St." "So I get out of the car with two felonies," "I didn't give a fuck." "The kid's in the car, and she wasn't raised like me." "I saw people getting beat up when I was a kid." "I saw my dad bitch-slap people." "I loved it, right?" "She's sitting in the car." "And I go up to John, I go, "Hey, bud." "Did you call me a spic?"" "He said, "I don't know what you're talking about."" "And I go, "You called me a fucking spic, man."" "I go, "Don't get this-- just say it, and I'll leave you the fuck alone."" "He goes, "I didn't say it."" "I go, "So you're telling me my little kid's a fucking liar?"" "He goes, "No, but I didn't say it."" "I go, "I'm giving you one more chance, to fucking say that you said it."" "I was gonna hit him no matter what." "Okay?" "My mom used to have an expression:" "If you thought about hitting him and you didn't, you fucked up." "All right?" "So I said, "John, just tell me the truth."" "He didn't tell me, so I fucking bitch-slapped him." "And he went down, "Call the police!"" "And some lady..." "But the cops that came, guess who was the cop?" "The AIDS guy." "So he came out of the car, "Joey, what's going on?"" "So he came to me first." "Meanwhile, this guy's holding an ice pack." "I'm like, "Fuck him." "He called me a spic, this bad motherfucker."" "So he gave me a ticket." "He gave me a ticket." "And then the next day, he went to court, and it was the judge that sentenced me to the four fucking years in prison." "So I got a second chance." "So the judge goes, "Joey, if she ever fucking dares to show up with the kid, we'll give you contempt of court."" "So I beat 'em." "Home on the walk," "I'm like how you like me now, bitch?" "But you know what?" "After the whole thing was over," "I felt really bad." "I go, you know what?" "I'm never gonna get to raise her like I want to." "And this is gonna end up bad." "You just know it." "You don't have to be a fucking genius to know when something's gonna end up bad." "They were playing outside their league." "I already had a plan." "I had these two Vietnam vets" "I used to hang with." "When I first got there, I met them." "One time, we saw a guy that was gonna jump." "I'll never forget this, 1985, I'm 19 years old." "We see a guy outside the Fox Theater, three stories, he wouldn't have died." "He was just out there." "He was like, "I'm threatening to jump."" "I was a new kid in Colorado." "I'm trying to change my life and I'm with this guy, he's like, "Jump, motherfucker." "Jump!"" "I'm like, "You can't do that!" I kept in touch with that guy, and I didn't know, one day I went to his house," "I just thought he went to Vietnam and he was a soldier." "I went to his house, he had ears and fingers and medals and shit." "I'm like, "Damn!"" "He had machine guns." "He's like, "I'll kill anybody."" "I go, "Listen." "[laughs]" "Help me kill my ex-wife."" "And he was brilliant." "He was brilliant." "This motherfucker's like," ""We're not gonna shoot her." "We're gonna kidnap her and take her to the park and rub maple syrup on her." "And then leave her out there overnight and let the bears get her." "You ever see what happens when a bear gets you at night?" "They only leave an elbow and a tooth." "That's it."" "And you know what, guys?" "That's not what I was about." "I wanted to be a comedian." "And I wanted to do something with my life." "You know?" "I really did." "Even with my two fucking felonies and my fucked up head." "I'm like if I can just turn my life around a little bit," "I could be her fucking father with no drama." "Well, it didn't turn out that way." "Know what I'm saying?" "It turned out a different way, but I got a second chance and a family, and guess what?" "I got my first special and you guys are a part of it." "Thank you very much." "[cheering, applause] [rock music plays]"