"Let's see..." "I think this..." "Is that free?" " That there, is that free?" " Sure." "Thanks." "Do you mind?" "That's great." "Thank you." "There we go." "Oh, boy." "Oh boy, I'll tell you, what a day." " Thanks a lot." " You're welcome." "How's it going?" "Good." "Good, thanks." "You know," "I thought the afternoon trains would be less crowded." " Friday, it's bad all day." " Sure." "And it gets more crowded the longer you stay on." "Sure." "And by the time we get to D.C." "I'll be sitting in your lap." "I'm just joking." "Just joking." "No offense." "My stupid shrink says I should say shit like that." "But what does he know?" "Last year he tells me I should leave my wife." "Now who do I got left to talk to?" "Strangers on trains." "So what do you do?" "I'm in sales." " You've done a nice job on the place." " I tried to warm it up a bit." " Sit down." " Listen, thanks for taking the time out to see me." "I know you're really..." "I know you're really busy." "I'd always see you." "So I've been worried about you." "I haven't heard from you for a while." "Yeah, I know." "I'm not so great at keeping in touch." "No, I know you had your reasons." "A lot's happened, you know?" "Did my lawyer call you?" "Yes, he did." "I'm so sorry, Paul." "To have a patient die is terrible." "But then to have the family sue you is..." "Did he say that he wants you to testify?" "He did." "I'm going to be deposed." "Although I'm not sure how much help I can be." "That's what they want me to kind of suss out from you." "You didn't really talk much about Alex until after he died." "I told them you weren't in the room." "You couldn't possibly know whether or not I gave him the proper care." "You didn't keep any notes, did you?" "I don't need notes." "You don't need notes." "Was it my not taking notes that killed him?" "I haven't taken notes in 15 years, Gina." "Should we put all the rest of my patients on suicide watch?" " Why do you call it a suicide?" " Isn't that what everybody thinks?" "No, Paul, he died." "That's all anybody can know." "He either killed himself or I killed him." "Take your pick." "Whatever happened between you and Alex in treatment, you didn't kill him." "You were trying to help him." "He left therapy." "His plane crashed." "He died." "Those things occurred in a sequence," " but they are not causally related." " I know that." "I know you do." "I'm just saying it so you can hear it." "You know what?" "I knew that too." "When someone dies, you want an explanation." "But it doesn't mean there is one." "I don't know who that could be." "Sorry." "I'm sorry, Gina." "I left my glasses." "Oh, come in." "I didn't see them, but take a look." "Paul." "Tammy." "How are you?" "Good." "And you?" "I barge right in." "That's me." "I'm sorry." "No, Paul is a friend." "He's not a patient." "I left my glasses, or at least I hope I left them here." "There they are." " Here you go." " Thanks." " Imagine, after all these years." " Yes, it's been a long time." " You look great." " You too." "I'm sorry." "I should've called." "Bye." " Bye." " See you next week." "It's nice to see you smile." "I keep forgetting how small this town is." "That's Tammy Kent, right?" "She's Tammy Meswick now." "We grew up on the same street, 10 minutes from here." "She's your..." " Are you seeing patients again?" " I am." "I thought you were a writer now." "Just the one book." "But people seemed to like it." "I saw the reviews." "They more than liked it." "You didn't get a chance to read it?" "To tell you the truth, Gina," "I don't think I'm ready to read it yet." " You know what I mean?" " I do." "I enjoyed writing, but I feel like I've had enough time alone for now." "Have you ever lived by yourself?" "This is the first time in for... forever that I've lived alone." "Can you believe it?" "I'm 53 years of age and I've never lived by myself." "It takes some getting used to." "But there are good things about it." "Gina, about this lawsuit..." "What I'm going to tell them is that you did everything you could to help this patient in treatment, and that if you had felt he was in any danger, you would've tried anything to keep him from flying again." "You think that'll help?" "I don't think it matters what you say." "They're gonna have their experts." "And they won't know" " what they're talking about either." " What?" "The whole case is gonna be decided by people who have no idea what went on in the room." "Then the ethics board are gonna take away my license because it's the cheapest way to settle the thing." "I don't have the money to fight it." "If the jury awards them any more than the $3 million the insurance will cover," "I'm gonna have o declare bankruptcy." "I'll lose the apartment in Brooklyn and anything I have left after child support and alimony." "Brooklyn?" "You moved to Brooklyn?" "And Kate and the kids are still here?" "You know what?" "The way I look at it is, they can have my license." "They can have my practice." "I'm an educated man." "I can do something respectable, or not." "I just don't care." "I don't care anymore." "The truth is, I'm just fucking sick of sitting in a chair day after day after day listening to people's problems." "Oh, boy." "Sorry." "Kate and the kids are still here." "Ian is in college." "I've become one of those..." "Amtrak dads." "I see the kids on weekends." "That must be hard." "But my alma mater have offered me a teaching position." "I hoped that..." " that might mean a fresh start." " Some new problems to listen to." " There are no new problems." " I know." "Why do we do this, Gina?" "Don't you get tired of sitting in the chair?" "That's why I took two years off." "My office is in my living room, so I actually never get away from them." "They leave things in the sofa." "I'll be reading or dozing off, and somebody's earring or a date book will fall out on the floor." "You're sleeping in the living room?" "It's a good sleeping couch." "I made sure of that, in case Rosie or Max comes to visit." "Did I tell you Rosie is looking at colleges now?" "And Max..." "Max likes the Mets, which could be an early sign of masochism." "I promised to take him to a game if he ever comes to see me." " Do you think it will work?" " I'm sure it will work." "You just need to take a little time, find some good restaurants for you and the kids to eat at, find some new routines." "I don't think you'll be alone for long, Paul." "But I want to be alone." "I had my chance at love last year and I blew it." "I'm not taking that risk again." "That risk?" "The risk of seeing how happy I could be." "The risk of having somebody want me." "The risk of being happy." "No, thanks." "The truth is, I'm still fucking angry." "After all these years" "I thought I was coming to find out about your deposition." "Why did you come here?" "I need some clarity in my life, Gina." "I need you to explain how I let this... whatever you call it... love for Laura, blind me to the needs of my patient." "Alex used Laura to get me." "By the time he was finished in therapy, I really hated him." " I let my feelings for this..." " Your love." "All right, my love for Laura, which, by the way," "I never got to express physically or..." " My love for this..." " Beautiful." "Yes, she was beautiful." " Stop putting words in my mouth." " I'm sorry." "When you called, you asked if we could talk." "This is how friends talk." "I don't think I have any friends." "It's too bad you don't have a dog." "You could mess that up too." "God." "Would you stop?" "What do you want me to do, Paul?" "I want you to tell me what to do." "I want to know what to feel" "about all this." " About all what?" " Everything." "Everything in my life." "You don't know how you feel?" " I don't know how I feel." " And that's why you're here?" "I need your help, Gina." " So when you stopped Alex's therapy..." " No, he stopped it." "He showed up at my door in a uniform." "He'd already made a decision." "Okay, when he stopped therapy, did you feel that the therapy had failed?" " No." " Good." "He came to me because he was afraid to fly." "And he stopped therapy because he felt that he was ready go back." "So you met his goals for the treatment." "And did you have different goals for his treatment?" " Yes, I did." " And what were your goals?" "You know, I hoped that..." "I hoped that he'd be able to forgive himself for..." " For what?" " For what he did." " He dropped a bomb on a school." " Right." "Was he able to forgive himself?" "I don't know." "Do people ever forgive themselves really?" "I know we talk about it all the time, but do people ever really do it?" "Sometimes." "Sometimes, yeah." "How long does it take?" "Are you... talking about something you're not able to forgive yourself for?" "What, like breaking up my marriage, destroying my kids' lives, wrecking my career, not being able to save my mother and not paying attention to my father?" "That would about cover it." "Are you laughing at me?" "Why not?" "We should both laugh." "But I can't." "So you go ahead, laugh at my mess of a life." "Would you like a drink?" "Sure." "Why not?" "It's fun not having therapy, isn't it?" " Is vodka okay?" " Yeah, that'd be great." " I only have soda." " That's fine." "Okay, to..." "To old friends." "And to Tammy Kent." "To Tammy Kent." "Tell me about Tammy." "I think I can sayi would never have survived my adolescence if it hadn't been for her." "She was..." " She was my first love." " Was she?" "And even before that, she was the only one who knew..." " Who knew?" " Her family lived down the hallway from us." "And the night my mother was..." "She went to the hospital..." "Anyway." "Let's not talk about Tammy Kent." "Besides, she is..." "She's your patient." "So, can we go back to the lawsuit?" "After Alex's funeral, nothing more happened" " between you and Laura?" " No, I couldn't even..." "I couldn't even think about Laura without blaming myself for his death." "If I hadn't been in love with her, if I hadn't been jealous of him, if I hadn't been competing with him for her love... you might have saved him." "Is that what you think?" " Yeah, I guess so." " You guess so?" "Isn't that what we all want to do, save our patients?" "Is that what you want?" "This is beginning to seem like therapy." "We're friends talking about work." "Then let's..." "Let's talk about... the work." "I have a new patient." "Her name is April." "She's just learned that she's got lymphoma." "She's terrified and she's in denial." "She hasn't told anybody." "Not her family, not her friends, nobody except me." "Why not?" "She says she doesn't want to have the chemo." "I think she probably has an unconscious fantasy that if she doesn't have the treatment, she doesn't have the cancer." " You haven't said that to her yet?" " She's notready to hear it yet." "And I don't have the time to get her there." "I mean, with the particular cancer she has, if she starts treatment now, her chances of recovery are pretty good, but if she doesn't..." "Look, if it was my daughter, I would just take her by the arm and I would drag her to the hospital." "Of course you would." "That's what you do for your family." "But not for your patients?" "This is the question." "What does the good therapist do when the patient needs more than just... talk?" "Do you just sit there and listen until she dies on the couch?" "You can only be responsible for what happens in treatment." "You know that." "So are you saying that you wouldn't take her to chemo?" "I'd do everything I could to get her to go." "And if she still refused?" "I'm just afraid that this girl is going to die." "And I can't get involved because I'm afraid of another lawsuit." "Then stop being her therapist and become her nurse." "It's not that simple." "Don't simplify it." "I mean, are you saying that you wouldn't help her?" "I thought that's what we were on the earth for, to help each other and step up to the plate when somebody needs us." "How long have you been treating her?" "A week." "You've seen her only once and she's made you feel this..." "I'm just afraid that she's going to die and I'm angry that she won't let me help her." "Isn't this the same anger that you felt towards Alex" " because he wouldn't let you save him?" " This isn't about Alex." "This is about April." "I don't think this is about your patients at all." "I know you don't." "You had this anger before these patients walked into your office." "You're not gonna drag me down that path again." " I'm not dragging you down any path." " You think this is about my mother." "Yes, I think this is about your mother." "I don't want to go into therapy." "How did you leave things with her?" "I made her promise to call me." "And I called her twice yesterday and 3 times today." "She still hasn't called back." "I just..." "You know, I have to help this girl." "Paul, we're not gods." "We can't save anybody." "You really care about your patients." "But I have to say you're no good to anybody as long as you are living with all this fear and anger." "Fear that I can't save them, fear that they're all gonna die?" " They won't all die." " Yeah, but my mother died." "You can say it." "Go on." "Go ahead." "In spite of everything you could do, your mother died." "And if your mother could die, the one who promised you she'd always be there..." "She didn't promise me that." " But you thought she did." " I did because she brought me into the world, she was gonna stay with me." "As a kid" "I thought that." "She was sick, Paul." "She was too sick for you to save her." "I wish you could tell that to my unconscious." "It was devastating." "If you could have saved her, you would have." " Do you know what you're feeling now?" " Look..." "What if I wanted to come back to you... for therapy?" "No supervision, no blurred lines, just plain old therapy?" "You think you can trust me?" "You're the only one I can trust." "Besides, I'd feel really stupid if I had to start all over again, lying to somebody for a year." "I don't want to feel stupid." "What do you wanna feel?" "I just wanna feel..." "Of course I'll see you." "Are you sure?" "I'm sure." "Is this time good?" "Yes, it is."