"Hey, Turk" "I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee." "You want one?" "Get me a small one-pump mocha." "The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!" "Dude !" "No !" "Dude !" "So what did you want me to get you?" "A small one-pump mocha?" "Wasn't that your nickname in high school?" "Helloooooooooo!" " Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!" " It was worth it!" "Let's go, Perr!" "I have been waiting for an hour." "I know!" "I was leafing through a magazine and watching you on the security cameras." "My favorite part is when you said" ""Screw her!" and then you stormed out!" "But then you came back 'cause you realized I have the keys!" "Jordan, now that you work here every day, if the carpool torturing persists" "I'm gonna put a plexiglass separator right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy." "You can't, you can't, you can't!" "Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash, you won't be able to get out." "However, that's a risk I'm sure willing to take." "Jorderoo?" "Hello?" "I'm in heeeere!" "You can't seeeee meeeee!" "JORDAN!" "Not everyone was in hell at their job." "In fact, there was only one thing Elliot didn't like about her new hospital" "Charlie, her co-fellow." "Good morning, Charlie." "Uh, you want to work on the osteogenesis imperfecta therapy with me?" "Charlie, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you yesterday when you popped out of that haz-mat bin:" "I work alone, and you have somebody's else's blood on your neck." "Take a shower, man." "Fine." "I'll just go!" "YES!" "That is an intern in a bald cap." "I hate ya, Charlie..." "Hippocratic Oath on three!" "1 2" "3" ""First do no harm"!" "There it is!" "All right, kick some ass today, guys!" "Except for Mr. Woodson in 302, he's got that rectal tear...." "You seem to be developing quite the rapport with your interns." "We even spent this weekend building a house for the homeless." "How'd that go?" "Rex..." "In my defense, who wears a tie to a construction site?" "I believe in team-building, too, Newbie." "And I'd make my interns agree with me, but they're in a time-out right now because one of them used the phrase "let's rock and roll."" "Son, when you're an intern, you get treated like crap;" "and then when you're in a position of power, you do the same thing to them." "It's inevitable!" "Like the tide, or the awkward toast" "I'm going to have to give some day at my son's big gay wedding." "Mark my words:" "Eventually you'll treat them like dirt like the rest of us do." "Sir, I'd love to chat, but it's already eight " " I gotta rock and roll." "I beg your pardon?" "I'm an attending!" "Tell it to the wall, Newbie!" "Episode 5x02 : "My rite of passage"" "By z.3.k The answer's two." "What?" ""How many janitors does it take to change a lightbulb?" "Two."" "Okay, that doesn't make any sense." "Hank's an electrician." "And _you_ are not funny." "I'm very funny." "Earlier, I made a killer "one-pump mocha" joke." "Everybody laughed." "I bet that nobody laughed, but you didn't notice that 'cause you were busy doing that cocky self-laugh thing you do when you think you're being funny." "Wasn't that your nickname in high school?" "...Anyhoo, have a good one, Lurch." "I had to skedaddle because today was burger day in the Caf." "And that meant one thing" "75 hungry employees, and one bottle of ketchup." "Got the ketchup!" "And here is your burger!" "Oh, frick, I forgot my burger!" "No, she didn't!" "Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?" "She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her." "How'd we embarrass her?" "Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patients with "Turk fever"?" "Honey, a lot of women suffer from that." "It's true " " I even had it." "Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do?" "ou mean Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor?" "Bite, please." "Here it is." "That's headed right to our joint colon!" "Yeah, I think I've made my point." "So, tell me something, Carla has she invited you to her new hospital?" "Victory sip!" "Daphne!" "Ketchup!" "Is this seat taken?" "Ketchup is for winners, Ted!" "Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place." "For the love of God, the only respite I get from you is when we're making love and I pretend you're someone else." "Yeah..." "I usually pretend we're doing something else." "Dammit!" "I am your new friend, so suck it!" "I gotta go talk to my boys!" "Oh, and I have to go talk to Elliot." "No, wait, don't leave me!" "o I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy." "Little tip:" "The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top, it was about three days before my ovulation... yeah." "Oh, and he was choking me." "Gagh!" "Ah, it was good." "Okay..." "I'm just gonna..." "My boys need the ketchup!" "That's a lotta boys." "Rex gets first dibs because I opened his chest with a buzz saw." "J.D.!" "ketchup!" "I gotta get back to my hospital." "I was thinking maybe I'd come by there and visit you tomorrow." "Tomorrow's not great...but we'll definitely do it sometime, you know, um, in the future." "Carla?" "What are you doing here?" "Hey, Elliot!" "Let me just finish telling them this story." "We were at this tiny little A.T.M. machine...." "I knew I shouldn't have had that chimichanga!" "I have to...you know...." "Ohh." "Well, go for it." "There's mostly guys here they'll never think it was you." "I think that blonde girl just farted." "Remember that, Elliot?" "Yeah..." "I remember." "Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts." "Hey!" "They have names!" "Tina, Marge;" "Sloppy, and Mr. Snuggles." "Sloppy's bigger than Mr. Snuggles." "What are you guys talking about?" "Oh, we were just...." "Guess they all had someplace to be!" "Just go!" "Hey!" "If you feel like talking," "I've got a dandy conversation starter:" "J'ai eu le plaisir qu'on me mette" "I have had someone else's fingers in four count 'em, four different orifices today." "Oh!" "Must be your birthday." "Okay, gang, I'll meet you up in Radiology to talk about Mr. Heath's CAT scan." "His tumor's getting so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor"!" "Not funny." "Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?" "Yes." "And you're a terrible teacher" "I'm not prepared to operate on anyone!" "Whatever." "If it wasn't funny, why did they all laugh?" "Wake up and smell the third floor urinal I haven't cleaned in four years!" "Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them." "I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart." "I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud." "I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients." "I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough!" "You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was fowl!" "You get it now?" "Your relationship with your interns is a sham." "That dog just laughed at a pun." "Ooooh, not gonna lie to you, that hurts -- not gonna lie, that hurts!" "Tell me about your kid." "Oh, how'd you know I was a mom?" "As a parent myself, I can read the signs, you know?" "And let us not forget the understated coffee mug we're carrying." "How do I know that guy?" "Maybe you used to date him?" "Oh, that's so clever." "I'm gay!" "Wow, that's good." "I'm tired." "Maybe he is from the International Pretentious Association, and he's here to remove your goatee." "So, what do you have -- a boy or a girl?" "I have a little girl." "I don't get to see her often enough." "Uh...see, uh, I don't know, a few years ago I had a little, uhh, business problem." "What was your business?" "Import-Export." "Yeah, I would import heroin into my bloodstream," "I would export vomit and urine into whatever alley would have me as a guest." "Oh!" "Sorry, that's a little smile I get when I'm silently judging someone." "Anyway, the thing is, it's--it's Jenny's sixth birthday on Monday, and, uh, I'm not really sure that I can fly out and make it." "It's, uh, it's hard to get a job, you know?" "Money's tight," "I've got hospital bills that I can't pay..." "Sam, I am so sorry." "Yeah..." "I know who he is!" "One little problem...." "Oh, my God!" "Just give me the drugs!" "'Kay, lady!" "?" "For God's sake, I've been working you from every possible angle!" "That's the junkie who conned Elliot into giving him meds!" "It just got interesting, people!" "The Janitor was wrong!" "My interns weren't laughing at my jokes because I'm their boss!" "It made me think about how some people don't wanna just open the door, walk in, and see the truth." "Why did you come here, Carla?" "You're mad at me?" "Why didn't you want me to come to your job?" "Hey, Bankfarter!" "If you want, we're all going down for lunch?" "You tell me." "After all, the truth can reveal the ugliest part of people." "That guy has conned damn near everyone in this hospital." "We've gotta warn her." "Jordan!" "She wanted to work here!" "So let her see what it's like to work here!" "And for God's sake, will you be a man!" "As for me, I already knew exactly what the truth was." "Plus, my best friend was always around to back me up." "How funny is this joke:" ""That patient's tumor is so big, it's starting to look like a 'threemor'!"" ""Threemor"!" "You are hilarious, Dr. D.!" "Awful." "Awful." "Awful!" "Okay, be cool." "They're just kids." "Except Gloria." "What is her deal?" "Okay, guys, let's talk for a second as equals." "All right?" "Seriously, I'm taking off my stethoscope and my little name tag.." "I'm not a doctor right now." "You're still wearing scrubs." "We are in a hospital, man." "Okay, we're off the property." "Now let's talk." "Shouldn't we wait for Gloria?" "Coming!" "We'll catch her up later." "Have you guys been fake-laughing at my jokes?" "Be honest." "I promise absolutely no ramifications." "Well, we've been kind of fake-laughing.." "Keith, I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse." "Look!" "Your jokes kind of suck, and when I laugh you pick me to do procedures!" "Unbelievable." "From now on, there is absolutely no laughing at my jokes unless they're particularly hysterical." "Talk about your Mission:" "Impossibles." "Case closed." "What is it with you and the costumes today!" "?" "I borrowed it from my brother." "He's a stripper." "I'm..." "I'm here!" "Gloria..." "Look, Carla," "I didn't want you to come here because" "Well..." "Il y a tellement de trucs bien chez toi, you're smart, you're loyal, you've absolutely shattered all of my preconceived notions about chicanos!" "Elliot?" "Bring it." "You're a bit of a gossip." "So?" "I'm interested in people's stories!" "Thanks to you, for the rest of my career" "I have the world's worst nickname!" ""Bankfarter"'s not so bad." "It sounds German!" "Oh, verdammt noch mal." "Nimm meine Leute nicht auf den Arm, Carla!" ""Don't make fun of my people, Carla!"" "Hey, Bankfarter, did you hear?" "Charlie found a successful gene therapy for O.I." "He basically cured the disease." "How did he have any time to work when he was always torturing me!" "?" "Jealousy's an ugly color, Bankfarter." "Anyway, we're discontinuing your fellowship." "Frick." "Frick frick frick frick frick frick!" "Frickity frick frick frick!" "Frick." "I'm not sure how people go about doing these things but here." "You should be there for your daughter's birthday." "I can't take that." "Come on..." "I can't even Botox an ear with this." "Oh." "Would everyone please watch this?" "Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy." "He leads off with the Chin Quiver." "Then he goes right to the Look Away." "He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain!" "And then finally, he squeezes out one single...tear" "Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!" "I can't watch this." "Then move your big, bald biscuit head!" "Some of us don't have cable." "This is a little trust exercise that I really think's gonna connect us again!" "Remove your blindfolds, please." "See your death." "See your death." "See your death." "Keith," "Don't worry, buddy, we're cool!" "Really?" "No!" "See your death!" "." "NO!" "But I look up to you!" "Hey!" "Why don't you guys go upstairs and do some work?" "nd for God's sakes, will somebody wake up Gloria?" "Okay, enough waving." "You wave too much you abuse waving." "Go." "There it is, just like I said." "I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze." "Gloria..." "I can't believe I don't have a job!" "Is that even yours?" "I need your support right now, Carla!" "Carla... you cannot tell Turk and J.D. about this until I get back on my feet again." "Why?" "They'll just feel bad for you." "No, they'll be merciless." "Seriously, if you tell," "I will never trust you again with anything." "Where've you been?" "Nowhere!" "What're you doing?" "Nothing!" "How's Blonde Doctor?" "Cheese!" "What's the dish?" "I gotta go!" "No hablo Ingles !" "Oh my God, you got that little bit of saliva on your lip hat says you know something juicy!" "No, I don't." "Here it comes!" "YES!" "Oh, okay, here's the scoop!" "Yes, here is the scoop, indeed." "You gotta promise not to tell." "I know...." "Sam?" "What are you doing back here?" "Hey, lambchop." "Uh, crazy story" "I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive." "I'd hug you but I, uh" "Jordan?" "Uh, this is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts." "Nice to see you, sir." "You as well." "Turkelton..." "Turkleton?" "You've dealt with him before " "Hey, dude!" " why didn't you tell her?" "'Cause he told me not to!" "This is gonna cost you." "Get off my back, I'm not in the mood." "Say it again!" ""Get off my back, I'm not in the mood"?" "That's what SHE said!" "Zoom, zoom, zoom!" "Okay, I'm sure you know about it...go ahead, take your shots." "You've got bug eyes." "Just because you dye your mustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone." "That's...all that you have to say?" "Excuse us." "Oh my God!" "You kept a secret!" "I know!" "I almost told them, too, but I didn't... because I love you." "I love you, too!" "Uh, I..." "I had to tell Turk something, so...you smoke a pipe now." "Huh!" "Coolio!" "What's wrong?" "Well we were gonna do Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor Has a Fresca, but then Turk started getting on my case about my interns!" "He's mad because they're sucking up to him." "And I was sayin'," "Dude, that's the exact same thing you did with Dr. Cox." "You know what?" "Put our right hand in front of your face." "Now talk to it!" "J.D., he's right." "If you want to be a jerk attending, too, go ahead." "But don't do it because they resent you -- that's not fair." "Dude, get up " " I gotta go to the bathroom." "As I went to the men's room with Turk, praying he only had to go onesies," "I thought about the different methods people use to teach." "Oh, uh, I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money or skip the middleman altogether and actually give him narcotics." "So I went ahead and brought your A.T.M. card and a, uh, heroin sandwich." "It's not heroin -- it's smoked turkey." "So you thought if you made me look like a fool," "I'd quit." "Is that it?" "So, Jordan, I heard Sam got you." "Don't worry, he totally suckered me once." "When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kids?" "Last time I ever saw that hotrod." "Remember that meningitis patient who stole your identity?" "Darryl!" "He's cool from now on, he's only gonna use my credit card for emergencies!" "It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted." "Oh my God!" "You actually did something nice for me!" "No, no." "No no no no no no no." "It was a selfish act." "If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!" "Thank you! I think it's always easier to be a jerk than a good guy." "Did we do something wrong, Dr. Dorian?" "No, you guys are fine." "You're doing a good job." "Still, good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks." "You know what, I want the laughter back!" "And you know what, I liked it when you waved, you were always waving." "That was nice." "Why don't all of you just wave!" "All right." "Ultimately, you can deal with anything, as long as you have a group of friends around to go through it all with." "Hey, guys." "What's going on?" "I can't imagine what it would be like if I were all on my own...." "Excuse me, can I please borrow your Help Wanted section?" "Thank you!"