"Nothing like a good carving, siegfried." "Really turns up the appetite." " Doesn't it?" "Eggs, bacon, sausages." "Fried mushrooms!" "Tomatoes!" "Lashings of toast and marmalade!" "Sacred institution, English breakfast." "Careful, siegfried!" "I'm perfectly capable of controlling this machine." "There's no earthly need to panic." " You could've killed him!" "Nonsense." "Don't let your imagination run away with you." "My dear sir, is he all right?" "Aye, I think so." "I must say, he looks in the peak of condition." "I'm sorry, did I give you a scare?" "Terrible brakes on that car." "It can't be helped, then." "I don't know why you bother with them things if it's always going wrong." "You'd be better off with one of these." "I daresay." "Very useful form of transport." "You're a lucky fella." "You just... passing through?" "Maybe, maybe not." "See what turns up." "No commitments." "Not at all, except for Jake here." "All I've got in the world is in this pram." "Perfect." "Who could ask for more?" "Wouldn't suit most folks, but I'm not complaining." "I suppose you're right." "Wouldn't suit everybody." "More's the pity." " Any road, best be off." "Siegfried, I'm starving!" "We've been out half the night." "I must say his life sounds delightfully simple." " It does, doesn't it?" "Perhaps that's the sort of life I'm best suited to." "Pushing prams around?" "I didn't know you felt that way." "I just don't know whether I'm temperamentally suited to the sort of workaday existence other people live." "I've known it for years." "Part of your charm." "I'll get it." " You're a good man, James." "Lovely breakfast, Mrs. hall." "Yes, one of your best," "I was just saying to Mr. Tristan, a proper English breakfast enables a man to face the rest of the day with a certain equanimity." "Thank you, Mr. farnon." "Something the matter, Mrs. hall?" "Well, I've" "I've just had this." "From my sister in brawton." "Dorothy?" "The one who did rather well for herself?" "Aye." "Fancy you remembering her name." "What's the matter?" "Well, it's not her, really." "It's her husband." "He's been taken ill." "Collapsed at work." "Oh, dear." "Trouble is, they're saying he's not fit to work anymore." "They've never said that before." "Not fit?" "Unforgivable!" "Taking away a man's dignity!" "Petty officialdom, Mrs. hall, you mark my words." "Man, proud man, dressed in a little brief authority." "Well, they're not worried about any of that." "It's the brass." " Yes, of course." "What you're going to do, Mrs. hall, is to abandon all this clearing of dishes and washing 'em up, and go straight over to brawton and see how you can help." "But I can't leave all of you to look after yourselves!" "Of course you can." "Can't she, Tristan?" "Yes, of course, Mrs. hall." "Don't you worry, we'll manage perfectly well." "Well, I" " I don't mind admitting I'd like to." "They've been good to me in the past..." "But how will you manage with Mrs. herriot out at work-- we shall manage terribly well, won't you, Tristan?" "Oh, come on now, siegfried-- off you go now." "Make yourself ready and away you go." "Thank you, Mr. farnon." "That was Willie pawson." "Pulpy kidneys." " Tasted all right to me." "You don't mean you didn't go there to see him yesterday?" "No, I mean I'd like to borrow Tristan, please." "No, he's already booked." "Sorry." "I need someone to hold the sheep while I inject them." "Willie pawson?" "He won't do it, will he?" "Oh, don't mind me." "I don't exist." "You just argue amongst yourselves until you're ready." "Are you sure you can do it, Roddy?" "Aye, I reckon so." "I can turn me hands to most things." "All right." "Ready when you are." "Is that the place?" "Yes." "Just the place." "Right." "Now, when you've done that, you can start wiping up." "I hope you realize you're very probably blighting an amazingly promising career." "How's that?" " By preventing me getting on with my studying." "I'm only obeying instructions." "A poor excuse." "One that's rung hollowly through the ages." ""I'm only obeying instructions."" "Just wondered what you were doing-- - writing!" "I see, you're studying." "Didn't know it was so catching." "I'm writing a list for you." "A list?" "What sort of list?" " Of things to do." "Really, I'm sure there's no need to write a list!" "You'll be surprised how much there is." "Shall I tell you what's on top of list?" "Oh, please do." "No smoking in kitchen." "All right, Roddy, I admit it." "You're faster than I am." "Where did you learn?" "On the road." "You got to learn, haven't you?" "To pay your way." "Your outgoings can't be very high." "Just enough to keep body and soul together." "Two bodies, surely." "Aye, Jake and me." "That's right." "You've got him very well trained." "Aye." "Never find Jake joshing around, annoying folks." "He knows he's got to sit there until I've finished." "Quite happy to do so, by the look of him." "He must have a wonderful life, wandering around the countryside with you." "Just off, are you?" "I'd have been away hours ago..." "But for one thing." " What's that?" "Mrs. hall!" " Oh." "Look, I really must protest." "At the bottom of this list, so I wouldn't have seen it till you were Miles away-- what injustice are you complaining about?" " Injustice-- that's exactly it." "Out of the goodness of my heart," "I agreed to help out while Mrs. hall is away, but what do I find?" "Cooking, washing, dusting, and at the very bottom as an afterthought, spring cleaning!" "It's not fair!" "More than that, it's not humanly possible." "What do you say, Mrs. hall?" "It's what I were going to do during week." "That's what you asked me to put down." " It is, indeed." "Of course, if you don't feel up to it, if you're made of weaker stuff than Mrs. hall, we shall all quite understand." "Come on, my dear, you have to rush" "I'll show you!" "I didn't expect you back already." "Oh, I had some help, you see" " Roddy." "Hello." "There you are now, Mr. Davis." "Now, if that doesn't heal, you bring him straight back." "Thank you very much, Mr. farnon." "Thank you." "Bye." "Goodbye." " Bye-bye." "Bye-bye now." "We've got to get one of those, James." "Sorry, James, who did you say?" "Roddy, whose worldly goods run to a pram and a dog." "Oh, good, good." "I wonder just how long he'll stay at pawson's." "As long as they want him." "Or as long as he wants to stay." "Fancy actually living one's life like that, James, on such a free and easy basis." "I mean, actually doing it." "Just imagine." "You or I would go mad in a week." "Oh, I don't know." "Life on the open road does hold certain attractions." "Yes, of course, immense attractions." "Not for the likes of us." "We'd never have the stamina." "Not in a million years." "I wish you wouldn't put me in the same bracket as yourself." "'Cause you are the same, James, in so many ways." "We'd both feel wretchedly guilty, we'd both feel somehow we ought to be stretching ourselves, earning more money, practicing our skills with more... energy." "We'd never rest till we'd filled our days with such useless activity, we might just as well not have quit civilization in the first place." "I expect you're right." "Would you tell Helen I'll be a bit late?" "One of Harper's cows has got foul, and I promised to look in on Joe rigdon's terrier." "There you are." "Just proves the very point I'm making." "Hello?" "I kept your supper warm." "A good day at the office?" " Fine." "What is it, darling?" " Nothing." "Hey, hey, hey..." "It's just..." "We never seem to be together now." "You work all hours." "You knew that when you married me." "I know." "I'm just in a bad mood." "Best ignore me." "Is that why you took the job?" "Because we were never together?" "Something like that." "And to make myself feel useful, I suppose." "Looking after me is useful." "I know." "I just... sometimes wish there were more to life." "Don't you ever feel like that?" "Surely you do." "Everybody does, don't they?" "Mmm." "Except Roddy." "Who's Roddy?" "I don't know his other name." "Perhaps I ought to introduce you." "He's the best antidote to a fit of the depressions I've ever come across." "I think Willis has got a busy morning's work for us." "We're too damn busy at the moment." "That's the trouble." "Is that Mr. or Mrs. herriot speaking?" "You missed your vocation." "You should've been a detective." "Oh, by the way, James..." "Don't let Willis get you down." "In what way?" " Put it this way:" "I always come away from here in the most filthy temper, and you know me." "Another rude farmer." "Just what I could do with." "No, no, not in the least... rude." "That's the trouble." "He's-- he's..." "Oh, you'll see." "I'm awfully sorry, Mr. farnon." "If it's too much to ask..." "I've seen worse cases, Mr. Willis." "Haven't you, Bob?" "Well, uh..." " She'll survive." "Would you be kind, Mr. Willis, and get me my tackle, please?" "Where would you like them?" "Anywhere you please." "On the steps, perhaps." "Aye, but" " I expect I'll manage to find it." "Ha ha ha!" "Yeah!" "I'm sure you will." "Oh, Mr. herriot," "I clean forgot you were there!" "Can you forgive me?" "I'll try, Mr. Willis, if you could show me what exactly you'd like me to do." "Aye." "Well, it-- it's one of my pigs." "Anything serious?" "Aye..." "But if it's too much trouble, I'll quite understand." "I'll do my best, Mr. Willis." "After all, that's what we're here for, isn't it?" "Aye, but all the same-- - if you'd lead the way?" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you waiting." "Get away!" "Oww!" "Darrowby 8-5." "Ah, Mrs. hall, how nice to hear from you." "No, everything's fine." "There are absolutely no problems at all." "It's not like work at all really, is it?" "It's more like a holiday!" "No, Mrs. hall, I didn't mean that." "Well, can't you take a joke?" "Yes, of course I want you back!" "More than I can say." "We all do." "Now, Mrs. hall, this" "nearly there." "I thought it were internal bleeding." "Nothing so dramatic." "Her teeth have just grown a bit too sharp." "Needed rasping, that's all." "There we are." "What's Mr. herriot doing?" "That pig I thought were illing..." "He said it were pregnant." "So what's he doing now?" "Thank you, Bob." "As a matter of fact, Mr. farnon, if it's not too much trouble to ask-- if it is too much trouble, I shall certainly let you know." "I" " I reckon he needs some help." "Oh?" "Why does he need help?" "He's a qualified veterinary surgeon." "He's perfectly capable of coping with any reasonable contingency." "Aye, o' course, but..." "If it's not too much-- ahem!" "It-- it might" "it might be serious." "What might, Mr. Willis?" "This cow of mine." "She's got a pea in her titty." "No, Mr. Willis." " Pardon?" "Peas in titties, peas anywhere..." "Not serious." "Interesting maybe, tricky sometimes, serious, never." "B-but Mr. farnon-- no, Mr. Willis." "Nope, nope, nope!" "Nope." "Now what else can I do for you?" "All right, girl, it's all right." "It's all right." "Easy... easy..." "Easy... it's all right..." "Now, this may hurt just a bit." "Ow!" "Jeez!" "You all right, Mr. herriot?" "No, I am not all right!" "I'm awfully sorry." "I did say she-- yes, thanks, Mr. Willis." " Ordinary methods don't work with her, just tying her up like that." "That's a perfectly normal way of tying up a cow." "I can't get two grips in her." "Best thing to do is nip out the way smartish-like when you see it coming." "Yes." "I'll try to remember that." "I'll tell you what, Mr. herriot," "I've got this new bloke." "Temporary, right clever, though." "He might be able to help." "Darrowby 8-5." "Mr. Bainbridge, how good of you to telephone me back." "Yes, it was rather urgent, as a matter of fact." "I was cleaning out our pantry this morning-- yes, I did say I was, and why not?" "I'm here to tell you, Mr. Bainbridge, that I stumbled upon a joint of meat, purchased presumably from your shop, a joint of meat whose fattiness quite beggars description!" "Yes, Mr. Bainbridge, you forget that I have studied the anatomy of animals in depth for some years, and I can certainly see if a joint of meat is fatty or not!" "What do I want?" "I want reimbursement, of course, or another joint of meat!" "Yes, good day to you, Mr. Bainbridge." "Oh, no." "I saw a farmer in houlton do this." "How come you left pawson so soon?" "I'd have thought they'd be begging you to stay." " Mr. pawson reckoned" "Mr. Willis' needs were greater than his." "Said he needed a soothing voice about the place." "Yes, well, that's true enough." "Think you're strong enough to have another go?" "In for a penny." "All right, old girl, all right." "It's all right." "It's all right." "Just one of those things you learn on the road." "Come on." " Eh?" "Let me buy you a drink." "It's the least I can do." "Thanks all the same." "Oh, you don't drink?" " Never touch the stuff." "Don't smoke neither." "Don't feel the need." "It's a good life you've got yourself." "Aye, we've not much to worry us, Jake and me." "You're not worried you haven't any security, no money put by?" "You can't take it with you, can you?" "So long as a man can pay his way, what more does he want?" "I'd say you know exactly what you want, Roddy." "That dreadful man!" "I'm surprised he hasn't had a nervous breakdown." "I'm surprised his animals haven't." "What about his vets?" "Tristan, we're back!" "Ready when you are, tris, we're famished." "How about a swift whiskey?" "Wash away the memory." "No, thanks." "Healthy mind in a healthy body." "I'll have a large one, please." "What the hell happened to you?" "Look at your bags." "They're sopping." "Did all the washing?" " And the shopping?" "Didn't waste time gossiping with the neighbors, I hope?" "That's all the thanks I get after slaving my fingers to the bone?" "Must learn to laugh at ourselves." "One of the few things that sets us above the beasts." " Where's my drink?" "You sure you need one?" " No more jokes, please!" "No, I mean it, tris." "It's all too easy resorting to alcohol when you're feeling rundown or depressed." "Apart from which, it does the most appalling things to the brain tissues." "Makes the body slow and sluggardly." "He's got you off to a "t."" " I'm serious." "I saw Roddy today." "Picture of healthy manhood." "Made me realize just how sloppy and self-indulgent we've become." "Speak for yourself." "I lead a particularly healthy and active life, and I shall continue to allow myself the occasional well-earned tipple, and so I should hope, will Tristan." "I'll stand by you, siegfried." "None... for you, I gather?" "Oh, certainly not, thank you." "From today, I am strictly teetotal." "He means it." "All we can say is..." "We'll drink to that." "I think the least you can do is have some respect for a man's beliefs!" "Beliefs?" "Coped all right, have you?" "I haven't sat down all morning." "Well, I must say, it really looks..." "Very, very nice in here." "I haven't started in here!" "Good idea!" "Make a fresh start after lunch." "When is lunch?" "Whenever you feel like making it!" "I haven't got time to make lunch and look after the house." "If you're looking for lunch, there isn't any." "I can't do everything." " I'm starving!" "Looks like a cold collation, I fear." "You mean bread and cheese?" "Well, Roddy thrives on it." "Why shouldn't we?" "That's true." "Now let's see now." "No bread." "Of course." "Mrs. hall's baking day today." "Well, it wasn't on her list." "Ah!" "There we go." "Is that lunch?" "Don't get too excited, James." "Wait, where's my share?" "Good lord, James, look at the time!" "We simply must be off!" "Siegfried?" "James?" "James!" "Working men, tris." "Our needs..." "Greater than yours." "I don't know..." "Never appreciated, are you?" "Do your best..." "Slave your heart out..." "And they tell you your best isn't good enough." "Something very wrong somewhere." "Go away." "All right!" "All right!" "I'm afraid the surgery isn't-- granville!" "Afternoon, laddie!" "Going to ask me in, I hope?" "Yes, of course!" "Come in." "Come on, old girl, stir your stems." "What on earth are you doing here?" "Just passing through, wondered if you could have a look at poor old phoebles." ""Feebles"?" " Phoebe." "Phoebe." "Sorry." "It's not important anyway." "Ahem!" "Well, come on through." " Thank you." "What's all this for?" "I sprained my ankle, that's all, doing a bit of gardening." "Come on." "That's it." "Ah." "Busy, are you?" " Yes, very." "I wouldn't say no since you're asking." "Pardon?" "Worst sight in the world, a man drinking on his own." "Oh, yes, I'll get you a glass!" "Sit down." " Thank you." "That's it." "Sit." "Sit, phoebles." "There's a good girl." "So... what's wrong, then?" "She looks fine to me." "Oh, it's nothing serious." "Small papilloma on her lip." "Benign tumor." "Needs whipping off, that's all." "Well... why don't you do it?" "You're the dog expert, after all." "Who, me, operate on phoebles" " Phoebe?" "I couldn't possibly, old man." "It'd be like cutting open my own mother." "Oh, not quite, surely." "Siegfried'd understand." "How is siegfried?" " Oh, fine." "Oh, it's like that, is it?" "How's tricks with you?" "You're... qualified by now, I presume?" "Well-- - why don't you whip it off?" "Won't take a minute." "Awfully good of you, granville, but..." "Don't think I could face cutting open another vet's mother." "Besides, I never work when I'm drinking." "Quite right, quite right." "Mmm." "Mind if I have another?" " Oh, not at all." "Actually, I think I might join you." "You haven't finished that one." "Oh, neither have I." "Still, that's never stopped a farnon before, eh?" "There we are." "What is it?" "What on earth's the matter?" "I thought you must be on fire at the very least." "Have you popped into the waiting room lately?" "No, but-- - then you're unaware how many people are waiting?" "Yes, but-- - lucky there're only three." "Kindly deal with them." "Siegfried, that's not fair!" "I've a house to run." "Why aren't you running it?" "Will you eat one of these..." "Slowly?" "We don't want the whole town talking." "Now I shall deal with your guest." "Oh, granville!" " Hello!" "Nice to see you again." " Marvelous!" "I'm sorry, I think it's awful getting drunk in the middle of the day." "Tris wasn't drunk." "He was happy." "He smelled strongly of peppermint when I saw him." "Perhaps he likes peppermint." " I know the signs, darling." "It takes one to know one." "I have always been moderate in my drinking habits." "What's so funny?" "I was thinking of the last time you saw granville." "Yes." "Well..." "Responsibility changes a man." "I was barely married then." "You were barely able to stand either." "I wish you'd tell me what this is for." ""Every housewife owes it to her family to learn first aid."" "What?" " Lady reading said it to the w.B.S." "You've got to know how to deal with an emergency at home or in the street." "Oh, I see." " In case there's a war." "This is all part of your plan to get more out of life?" "And to make myself useful." "Weren't you listening to me the other day?" "Darling, I always listen to you." "Devotedly." "Ow!" "Damn good of you to do this, siegfried." "Listen, I know exactly how you feel." "With anybody else's dog, you'd administer a quick local and nip it off in no time, but with your own..." "Poor old phoebles." "I'm just about to nip off the papilloma, so if you'd..." "Rather not watch..." "Thanks, old man." "If-- if you don't mind." "There we are." "You can open your eyes now." "Ah, there's a good girl." "That'll be 10 guineas, please, Mr. Bennett." "Oh, um..." "I" " I nearly got it!" "Oh, splendid piece of work!" "It's good to see you haven't lost your touch, old man." "Good to see you haven't." "Well, how's... the lovely Zoe?" "Oh, wonderful woman." "I don't know how she puts up with me." "And the practice?" " Thriving, thriving." "Seems to run itself now, that's the only trouble." "Still, it leaves me time for other things." "You didn't know I had taken up gardening, did you?" "Gardening?" "You?" "Yes, I must show you my garden sometime." "Mmm." "I really must." "Really?" "How about a spot to eat?" "I could do with something." "Oh, same here." "I could eat a horse." "Come on, girl." "Dinner, Tristan!" "Where is it?" "I must've dropped off." "I really was fearfully tired." "I've been working my fingers to the bone all day." "Perhaps if we both fall to our knees and pray," "Mrs. hall will come walking through that door." "Ah, yes." "There's..." "Something I've been meaning to tell you about." "Is there?" "What?" "Mrs. hall and I had a slight misunderstanding over the telephone." "I tell you, Mrs. hall, this house is literally crumbling about our ears with you away." "Mr. Tristan's doing his very best to antagonize all the tradespeople, and as for the catering..." "Well, if you delay your return much longer," "I fear you'll not recognize the emaciated creatures who crawl to greet you." "You left what?" "Where?" "Bless you, Mrs. hall." "I don't know why you two don't join me." "Best dinner I've had for years." "Not with whiskey, siegfried, really." "The best bit of it" " I'll have a bit." "Good man!" "Come on, Tristan." "Stir yourself!" "It's such a tonic coming here." "It's so unconventional." "Why don't you stay the night?" "I wish I could, but I've got to get back." "There's poor old phoebles." "She gets awfully homesick." "Won't sleep in anything but the best armchair." "I know." "These old ladies are all the same." "What time shall I be seeing you then?" "What?" " For lunch tomorrow." "Didn't I tell you?" "Granville, I don't think we can!" "Of course you can." "It's the least I can do." "No, no." "There's no need." " No arguments!" "James too." "By the way, where is James?" "Hiding from me, is he?" "If you don't come along, James, granville will be dreadfully upset." " Sorry, siegfried." "But damn it all, he's offering us a slap-up feed at an Indian restaurant." " In hartington?" "It does seem a bit odd, doesn't it?" "I gather some ambitious but possibly misguided Indian family has undertaken single-handedly to educate the good folk of Yorkshire." "I would like to, but..." "James, it's a gesture of friendship." "You simply can't possibly turn it down." "For one thing, it'd be extremely churlish." "For another thing..." "look at him." "What sort of lunch do you think he's gonna get us?" "If I don't have a square meal soon, I shall perish." "I refuse to poison my system with alcohol." "Always happens with granville." "Happened last time." "And the time before." " Not this time." "I've taken the pledge." "Roddy has shown me the way to a cleaner, purer life." "Roddy this and Roddy that." "I'm sick to death of Roddy." "Some of us might do well to follow his example." "It's not a question of drinking." "We're simply popping in for a quick hello and a look at his garden." " His what?" "His garden." "He's terribly enthusiastic about it." "And I rather fancy he's mellowed, James." "Realized there are deeper things in life." "Hmm... probably met Roddy." "Very well, as long as you promise to back me up in case of emergency." "Good man!" "Well done!" "Be sure you're able to come, too." "Uh, no..." "I'll stay at home and do the housework, if you don't mind." "Hello, Roddy." "Just driving past, saw the pram." "Hi, Mr. herriot." "Where's Jake?" "He's all right, isn't he?" "Oh, aye." "He's over there." "Good dog." "I do the buying, he does the carrying." "We're a perfect team." "Quarter of a pound of cheddar, please, and rye." "You know, I followed your example, Roddy." "I never touch anything stronger now." "You won't regret it, believe me." "No, I'm sure I won't." "Anyway, I just popped in to say hello." "I must dash." "I probably won't be seeing you again." "Why, where are you off to?" "You've had enough of Willis', I suppose?" "Aye, that's about it." "That'll be one and three." "There's a job along road for a couple of days then we'll be moving on." " Where to?" "We'll see when we get there." "Oh, that's marvelous." "Well, all the best, Roddy, and I hope we meet again." "Me too, Mr. herriot." "Come on, Jake." "Come on, come on, this way." "Well... how do you like it, eh, laddie?" "Very nice." " Yes, isn't it?" "I spend hours out here, you know." "It's a wonderful hobby." "He is keen, isn't he?" "I told you, he's a reformed character." "It's a bit sad, really." " How do you mean, James?" "He hasn't got much to show for it, after all those hours he put in." "Come on, come on!" "Be lunchtime soon." "Now..." "Have a look at this." "Great heavens alive!" "Granville!" "It's all right, eh?" "Thought it'd be a good idea to have my own little pub-- in the garden." "Oh, it's rather cozy, don't you think?" "Oh, it's charming." "It's quite charming." "So what are you gonna have?" "I really think we should be getting off to lunch." "Oh, nonsense." "Can't go without a little aperitif." "That would be rather rude." " I suppose it would." "A touch of the malt for you, siegfried?" "Oh, splendid!" "Splendid." "What about you, lad?" "Tonic, please, granville." "A what?" "!" "Gin and tonic." "Ah." "Gin..." "But just a small one, please." "There we go." "Granville..." "And tonic." " Please." "That do you, laddie?" " That's rather a large one, isn't it?" "Nonsense." "Nearly all tonic." "Cheers." "Your astonishing health, granville." "This place is wonderful." "Mrs. hall?" "Oh." "Helen." "All the lights went out at work, so I thought I'd come home and give you a hand." "Helen, you're a wonder!" "Do you think he's got malaria?" "James, you did ask me to warn you-- don't be a spoilsport." "Surely a chap can let off steam every now and again?" "There we are." "Oh, granville, thank you." "Just how I like it." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Tell us about this restaurant." "Yes!" "Heavenly-- wasn't it, darling?" "Zoe, my dear!" "Wonderful to see you!" " Siegfried." "How do you do it?" "You're more ravishing every year." "Hello, Zoe." " Hello, James." "I'm glad to see you're enjoying yourself." "I'm not drunk, you know." "Of course you're not!" " In fact, I hardly ever touch the stuff." "Quite right." "He has to force himself." "That right, James?" "I trust you're coming with us, Zoe?" "Afraid I can't." " Busy girl, Zoe." "Anyway, I wouldn't like to intrude on a working lunch." "Isn't she marvelous?" "As matter of fact, she found the place all by herself." "It's a crying shame this country's so dang conservative when it comes to food." "When you get outside the big cities, you'd think curry had never been invented." "Which reminds me, they are superb!" "There's mild, medium, and blast your bloody head off!" "I must say I do feel jolly peckish!" "Onion bhajis, bhuna lamb, gorgeous naan bread." "We better get a move on, then." "How far is it?" "Oh, 10 minutes." " Really, granville. 20 at least." "Oh, at the very most." "And the cooking, siegfried, is exquisite!" "All the spices of the orient." "What about that vindaloo?" "I had a corker of a vindaloo in newcastle once." "Their vindaloos are magnificent!" "And what about their poppadums, eh, darling?" "Their poppadums-- crisp isn't the word!" "What is?" " Hmm?" "What is the word?" "James, steady on, okay?" "No, siegfried, I agree!" "Nothing I like better than a nice, prisp com-- crisp..." "God, I'm hungry!" "Oh, darling, you haven't!" "You must try one of Zoe's champagne cocktails." "They're magnificent!" " I can't, really." "Here we are, James." "One for the road." "Oh, wonderful!" "Let me take that." " Thank you." "Cheers." "All right then." "Here we go." "Sorry." "That's all right." "10 minutes did you say, granville?" "It'll be worth it, don't you worry." "Tandoori chicken, pink and fresh and tender." "All the spices of the orient!" "You all right in the back there?" "Never felt better!" "That was a handsome little wicket, granville." "Middle stump." "It was falling apart anyway!" "I'll soon get us out of this, don't you worry." "That was your near hind, granville." "Ah." "You know, perhaps 10 minutes was a bit optimistic." "Say 15." "Granville, would you think me awful if I suggested we went another time?" "Granville!" "Better than Indian, eh, siegfried?" "Much better, James." "Now, I don't want to interfere-- just remember what a sensitive stomach you've got." "Siegfried, I think granville would be jolly offended if I rejected his hospitality." "You're probably right." "Cuisine of the highest order, my dear granville!" "It's all Zoe's doing, my dear fellow." " Thank you." "Been slaving in the kitchen for hours." "She's opened three tins of saveloys, you know." "All by herself." " Marvelous woman!" "I think I can honestly say..." "Or he can honestly say" "I think he can honestly say..." "This is the best pub I've ever been in." "Good company... good beer..." "And the most amenable of landlords." "Sure!" "Here's to that." "Cheers." " Cheers." "Well done, James!" "You're a great fella!" "Look at that!" "Very good." "Have you boys finished?" "Zoe, you lovely peacock!" "Where have you been?" "We've been lost without you." "I know what a sweet tooth James has, so I've made these specially for him." "Come on, James!" "Don't be shy." "Please, James." " Leave me alone, siegfried, please." "Pull yourself together." " I just want to die." "Ohh..." "Just in time, you two." "In there, please!" "Take it steadily." "What did he say?" "What did he say?" "Just take it steadily." "Just float." "Good chap." "James!" "Just a touch of malaria, my dear, I think, nothing else." "It's that madman granville." "He shouldn't be allowed out." "Of course not, dear." "Will you ever forgive me?" "What you need is a nice hot meal to soak it up." "Helen's absolutely right." "Something substantial." "All these hot dogs and chocolate eclairs are all very well-- siegfried, please!" "Where on earth's Tristan?" "Don't tell me he's been helping you with the cooking?" "Actually he volunteered to do it all himself." "I don't believe it!" " It's true!" "He left me to do the spring cleaning." "So he did!" "Would you believe it?" "The cunning devil!" "I'm sure we shall enjoy it." "I think I'll have to get up-- no, no!" "Sit down." "You mustn't discourage him." "These sudden bursts of initiative are rare enough, God knows." "Ah, Tristan!" "How very fetching!" "Yes, well, I hope you like it." " I'm sure we shall." "Won't we, James?" "James." " Hmm?" "Oh, yes, that's very nice, Tristan." "Well, here we are." "There's plenty for seconds, so don't worry." "Is it all right, James?" "James?" "He didn't even taste it." "No slur was intended on your culinary skills." "He's suffering from the aftereffects of spending a couple of hours in the company of granville Bennett." "Yes." "There." "Actually I think I better go and see how he is." "But, Helen-- - sorry, tris." "Don't you worry!" "You nurse him back to full health and vigor." "I'll make sure Tristan keeps some hot for you." " Oh, good!" "Just means all the more for us, doesn't it?" "Indeed!" "You have that one." "And this one." "Is it all right?" "Hmm." "Not as bad as I thought it would be." "Matter of fact, it's almost edible." "Mmm." "Quite tasty, eh?" "Not exactly haute cuisine, but-- well, I've had a very busy day." "Tristan... you won't mind my asking this?" "Not at all." " For future reference, how did you contrive the..." "How can I put it?" "Slightly... resilient quality in the meat?" "You might well ask." "I suggest you find a new butcher, siegfried." "No, no, no." "Bainbridge has served us very well for years." "Besides, he's a charming old chap." "Oh, is he?" "I can say he was more than a little rude to me." "Of course." "He was onto your amateur status." "That's where the skill of the matter lies, in the choosing of the meat." "Actually, I didn't choose it." "Mrs. hall did." "Really?" "She didn't say she'd left any meat." "I only stumbled upon it by chance." "Poor woman must be getting absent-minded." "Where'd she put it?" "In the larder." "On the bottom shelf." "Next to that great big bag of biscuits?" "Yes." "How did you know?" "Do you want some more?" "But my dear idiot brother," "that's the dog's meat!" "You might've said so, siegfried!" "I hardly think I'm to blame." "I don't feel very well." "Oh, good grief." "Can't they ever leave us in peace?" "Roddy." "There's something wrong with him." "It's bad." "Well, come on, bring him in." "Tristan?" "Surgery door, quick." "Guide his back end." "Guide his back end onto the table." "What happened, Roddy?" "It started about an hour ago." "He were right as rain, larking about on grass." "Soon he went into a sort of fit." "Can you describe it?" "Well, he kinda seized up and toppled over on his side and lay there slavering and panting." "I thought he were a goner." "Stethoscope, Tristan." "Hurry." "How long did that last?" "Only a few seconds." "Then he got up, and there were naught wrong with him." "Did it happen again?" "Aye, time after time." "It were dreadful." "But in between, he were quite normal." "What do you think?" "Could be epilepsy." "Hmm." "How old is he, Roddy?" "Five last February." "That's a bit old for epilepsy." "There's nothing abnormal there." "It's just..." "He seems to be terrified." "Take a seat, Roddy." "Hold onto him." "Siegfried, look." "There you are, you see?" "He's all right." "You'd think there's naught wrong with him." "Hold on a moment." "Well, that's a relief." "Whatever it was, it's gone now." "Tristan." "Bring his head round... this end." "Lay him down." "That's it." "He seems so weak." "Pulse is still there, just." "He's going to die, isn't he?" "Not if I can help it, Roddy." "What is the matter?" "Jake, what's up with you?" "Jake!" "This is just what happened." "Exactly this." "There's no kind of a fit..." "There's something obstructing his breathing." "I'm going to look down his throat." "You hold onto him." "Hold it right up." "It's absolutely, completely-- oh, wait a minute!" "There's a pebble." " Pebble?" "Tiny little thing." "Stuck right inside his larynx." "His Adam's apple?" " Yes, it's working like a ball valve." "It obstructs his windpipe from time to time." "I must just have dislodged it then." "It'll happen again, won't it?" "It certainly will." "And one of these times it isn't going to get free and that'll be the end of him." "I'm going to have to get it out, Roddy." "I'm going to have to cut right into the larynx." "And straightaway." "You'll be all right, James." "No, I won't." " Of course you will." "Where's the humane killer?" "James!" " Darling, please, not so loud." "Ohhh." "Very, very steady." "You're cutting right through?" "Desperate measures, Roddy." "If that pebble..." "Gets stuck again..." "Or if I drop it..." "Is that it?" " That's it." "He'll be perfectly all right now-- excuse me-- as soon as I stitch him up." "You don't know what it means, Mr. farnon." "If I'd've lost him..." "Right, I know." "Extraordinary how attached people become to their dogs, isn't it?" "I was with a man, only today-- two great passions in life" "his dogs..." "And his garden." "I wonder which is more important." "Don't forget, bring him back in 10 days time, we'll have those stitches out." "I will, Mr. farnon, and thank you." "It's all right, Roddy." "Was that Roddy?" "What's wrong?" "A bit late now, James." "It was Jake, isn't it?" "Is he all right?" "Don't you worry, leave it to the experts." "Luckily we're not all so easily seduced by worldly pleasures." "Here, suck this, old boy."