"And now for something completely different." "It's..." "Monty python's flying circus." "How to recognize different parts of the body." "Number one:the foot." "Number two:the shoulder." "And number three:" "the other foot." "Number four:" "the bridge of the nose." "Number five:" "the naughty bits." "Number six:" "just above the elbow." "Number seven:" "Two inches to the right of a very naughty bit indeed." "Number eight:the kneecap." "Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong" "Under the shade of a coolibah-tree..." "Goodday, bruce!" "Oh, hello, bruce." "How are yer, bruce?" "Bit crook, bruce." "Where's bruce?" "He's not here, bruce." "Blimey, s'hot in here, bruce." "S'hot enough to boil a monkey's bum." "That's a strange expression, bruce." "Well, bruce, I heard the prime minister use it." ""s'hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in 'ere" "Your majesty," he said" "And she smiled quietly to herself." "She's a good sheila, bruce" "And not at all stuck-up." "Ah!" "here comes the bossfella now." "How are you, bruce?" "Hello, bruce." "How are you, bruce?" "Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce" "A chap from pommy land" "Who'll be joining us this year" "Here in the philosophy department" "Of the university of woolamaloo." "Uh, michael baldwin, this is bruce." "Michael baldwin, this is bruce." "Michael baldwin, this is bruce." "Is your name not bruce, then?" "No, it's michael." "That's going to cause" "A little confusion." "Mind if we call you "bruce"" "Just to keep it clear?" "Well, gentlemen" "I think we'd better start the meeting." "Before we start, though" "I'll ask the padre for a prayer." "O lord, we beseech thee, have mercy on our faculty, amen." "Amen." "Crack the tubes, right!" "Er, bruce, I now call upon you" "To welcome mr. baldwin" "To the philosophy department." "I'd like to welcome" "The pommy bastard to god's own earth" "And I'd like to remind him" "That we don't like" "Stuck-up sticky-beaks here." "Hear, hear!" "Well-spoken, bruce." "Now, bruce teaches classical philosophy" "Bruce teaches hegelian philosophy" "Bruce here teaches logical positivism" "And is also in charge of the sheep-dip." "What does new bruce teach?" "New bruce will be teaching political science" "Machiavelli, bentham, locke, hobbes" "Sutcliffe, bradman, lindwall, miller, hassett and benaud." "Those are cricketers, bruce." "Oh, spit." "Howls of derisive laughter, bruce." "In addition, as he's going to be teaching politics" "I've told him he's welcome to teach" "Any of the great socialist thinkers" "Provided he makes it clear that they were wrong." "Australia, australia, australia, australia" "We love you, amen." "Any questions?" "New bruce, are you a pooftah?" "Are you a pooftah?" "No." "No, right." "Well, gentlemen, I'll just remind you" "Of the faculty rules." "Rule one:" "no pooftahs." "Rule two: no member of the faculty" "Is to maltreat the abos" "In any way whatsoever" "If there's anyone watching." "Rule three:" "no pooftahs." "Rule four:" "I don't want to catch anyone" "Not drinking in their room after lights out." "Rule five: no pooftahs." "Rule six: there is no rule six." "Rule seven: no pooftahs." "That concludes the reading of the rules." "Bruce?" "This here's the wattle" "The emblem of our land." "You can stick it in a bottle" "Or you can hold it in yer hand, amen." "Amen." "Gentlemen, at 6:00" "I want every man-bruce of you in the sydney harbour bridge room" "To take a glass of sherry with the flying philosopher, bruce" "And I call upon you, padre" "To close the meeting with a prayer." "Oh, lord, we beseech thee" "Etc., etc., etc., amen." "Amen." "Right, let's get some sheilas." "Okay." "Ah, elevenses!" "This should tide us..." "This should tide us over 'til lunchtime." "Reckon so, bruce." "Sydney nolan!" "What's that?" "Number nine:the ear." "Number ten:the big toe." "Number 11:more naughty bits." "Number 12:the naughty bits of a lady." "Number 13:the naughty bits of a horse." "Number 14:the naughty bits of an ant." "Number 15:the naughty bits of reginald maudling." "Number 16:the hand." "Good evening." "I have with me in the studio tonight" "Mr. norman st. john polevaulter" "Who, for the past few years, has been contradicting people." "Mr. polevaulter, why do you contradict people?" "I don't." "You told me you did." "I most certainly did not." "Oh, I see." "I'll start again." "No, you won't." "Shh!" "Mr. polevaulter" "I understand you don't contradict people." "Yes, I do." "When didn'tyou start" "Contradicting people?" "Well, I did in 1952." "1952?" "1947." "23 years ago?" "No." "And so on" "And so on and so on." "And now..." "Number 17:the top of the head." "Number 18:the feather... rare." "Number 19:the nose." "Come in." "Ah, mr. luxury yacht." "Do sit down, please." "Ah, no, no." "My name is spelled "luxury yacht"" "But it's pronounced" ""throatwobbler mangrove."" "Ah, well, do sit down, then" "Mr. throatwobbler mangrove." "Thank you." "Now, what seems to be the trouble?" "Um..." "I'd like you to perform some plastic surgery on me." "I see, and which particular feature of your anatomy" "Is causing you distress?" "Well, well, for a long time now, in fact" "Even when I was a child, i..." "you know, whenever I left home" "To catch a bus or to catch a train..." "And even my tennis has suffered, actually..." "Yes, to be absolutely blunt" "You're worried about your enormous hooter." "No!" "No?" "Yes." "Yes, and you want me" "To hack a bit off." "Please." "Fine." "It is a startler, isn't it?" "Uh, do you mind if i, uh...?" "What?" "Oh, no, nothing, then." "Well, I'll just examine your nose." "Mr. luxury yacht, this, um..." "This nose of yours is false." "It's made of polystyrene." "And your own hooter's a beaut." "No pruning necessary." "I'd still like the operation." "Well, you've had the operation, you strange person." "Please do an operation." "Well, all right, all right." "But only if you'll come on a camping holiday with me." "He asked me!" "he asked me!" "Next week, we'll be showing you" "How to pick up an architect, how to pull a prime minister" "And how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer." "But now, the men of the derbyshire light infantry" "Entertain us with a precision display of bad temper." "Attention!" "My goodness me!" "I am in a bad temper today!" "All right, two, three, damn, damn, two, three" "I am vexed and ratty, two, three" "And hopping mad." "And next, the men of the second armoured division regale us" "With their famous close order swanning about." "Squad..." "camp it up!" "Ooh, get her!" "whoops!" "I've got your number, ducky." "You couldn't afford me, dear, two, three." "I'll scratch your eyes out." "Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear." "We all know where you've been" "You military fairy." "Whoops, don't look now, girls." "The major's just minced in with that dolly color sergeant." "Two, three." "Ooh-ho!" "And finally..." "God, if they don't stop, I'll kill myself." "I swear, I will." "All right, that's it!" "For three days and nights" "The displaced eyeball plummeted earthward" "Until..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "What's this?" "Keep low, keep down, don't lag behind." "Come on, everybody, that's right." "Keep close, that's right." "Watch out for the killer cars." "Vroom!" "Yes, the killer cars." "For years, the city had been plagued" "By ever-increasing pedestrian congestion." "In an attempt to eliminate this problem" "Certain fanatical cars" "Had taken the law into their own hands." "Vroom, vroom!" "Vroom!" "V-v-vroom." "But the days of the killer cars were numbered" "Thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation." "Vroom!" "Vroom!" "Oh, thank you!" "You've saved our city!" "But at what cost?" "Oh, thank you, thank you." "You've saved our city." "Of course, there were those who chose to leave town." "This, then, is the story of two of them." "Morning, sir, can I help you?" "Yes, we've booked on your flight for america." "Oh, we don't fly to america." "Oh!" "the american flight." "On the plane-- oh, yes." "Oh, we do that, all right." "Safe as houses, no need for panic." "Is it really 37 and six?" "30 bob" " I'm robbing myself." "30 bob?" "Twenty-five." "Two quid the pair of you." "That's without insurance." "Well, how much is it with insurance?" "102 quid." "That's including the flight." "How long will it take?" "Uh, let me put it this way-- no idea." "Six hours." "Six?" "Five-- ten for the pair of you." "Oh, is it a jet?" "Uh... well, no." "It's not so much a jet." "It's more your triumph herald engine with wings." "When are you taking off?" "3300 hours." "What?" "2600 hours for the pair of you." "What?" "Have the injections, you won't care." "What injections?" "Barley sugar injections;" "calm you down." "They're compulsory, board of trade, promise." "Oh, I don't like the sound of injections." "Hello, yes, right." "You've got to make your mind up straight away" "If you're coming or not." "Yes." "Right, you can't change your mind." "I'll ring the departure lounge." "Hello?" "Two more on the way, mrs. turpin." "Ah." "Now, the duty-free trolley is over there." "There's some lovely drop scones" "And some duty-free broccoli" "And there's fresh eccles cakes." "You're allowed 200 each on the plane." "The verrifast plane company announce" "The departure of flight one to over the hills and far away." "Will passengers for flight one" "Please assemble at gate one." "Passengers are advised" "That there is still plenty of time" "To buy eccles cakes." "Nearly ready." "Will passengers please get ready" "For their barley sugar injections." "Today we all take vow." "Today we smash the enemy fleet!" "We... smash... smash!" "That's mr. kamikaze, the pilot." "He's very nice, really" "But make sure he stays clear of battleships." "There have been many stirring tales told of the sea" "And also some fairly uninteresting ones" "Only marginally connected with it, like this one." "Sorry, this isn't a very good announcement, sorry." "And here is the result" "Of the "where to put edward heath's statue" competition." "The winner was a mr. ivy north" "Who wins ten guineas and a visit to the sailors' quarters." "That was last year's reenactment of the battle of pearl harbor" "Performed by the batley townswomen's guild." "It was written, directed and produced by mrs. rita fairbanks." "Hello again." "And what are your ladies" "Going to do for us this year?" "Well, this year we decided to reenact" "Something with a more modern flavor." "We had considered" "A version of michael stewart's speech on nigeria" "And there were several votes on the committee" "For a staging of herr willy brandt's visit to east germany." "But we've settled instead" "For a dramatization of the first heart transplant." "Incidentally, my sister madge will be playing" "The plucky little springbok pioneer dr. christian barnard." "Well, off we go, then" "With the batley townswomen's guild reenactment" "Of the first heart transplant." "The first heart transplant." "But this is not the only open-air production here" "That has used the sea." "The theatrical managers in this area" "Have not been slow to appreciate" "The sea's tremendous dramatic value." "And somewhere out in this bay is" "The first underwater production of measure for measure." "Servant ho!" "Fine." "The underwater version of measure for measure." "And further out to sea" "Hello, dolly!" "is also doing good business." "Hello, dolly..." "And over there on the oyster beds, formula two car racing." "Number 20:the armpits." "Number 21:the bottom two- thirds of the nape of the neck." "Number 22:the nipple." "And that concludes this week's episode of how to recognize different parts of the body adapted for radio by ann haydon-jones and her husband, pip." "And now we present the first episode of a new radio drama series" "The death of mary queen of scots." "Part one, the beginning." "You are mary queen of scots?" "I am." "Episode two of the death of mary queen of scots can be heard on radio 4 almost immediately." "I think she's dead." "No, I'm not." "That was episode 2 of the death of mary queen of scots adapted for the radio by bernard hollowood and brian london." "And now, radio 4 will explode." "We'll have to watch the telly, then." "Yes." "Well, what's on the television, then?" "Looks like a penguin." "No, no, no, no." "I didn't mean what's on the television set" "I meant what program!" "Oh." "Ooh." "Tall and tan" "And young and handsome" "The girl from ipanema goes walking." "Funny that penguin being there, innit?" "What's it doing there?" "Standing." "I can see that!" "If it lays an egg..." "It will fall down the back" "Of the television set." "We'll have to watch that." "Mmm." "Unless it's a male." "Ooh, I never thought of that." "Yes, looks fairly butch." "Perhaps it comes from next door." "Penguins don't come from next door." "They come from the antarctic!" "Burma!" "Why did you say "burma"?" "I panicked." "Oh." "Perhaps it's from the zoo." "Which zoo?" "How should I know which zoo?" "I'm not dr. bloody bronowski!" "How does dr. bronowski know" "Which zoo it came from?" "He knows everything." "Oh, I wouldn't like that." "It would take the mystery out of life." "Anyway, if it came from the zoo" "It would have "property of the zoo"" "Stamped on it." "No, it wouldn't." "They don't stamp animals "property of the zoo."" "You couldn't stamp a huge lion." "They stamp them when they're small." "What happens when they molt?" "Lions don't molt." "No, but penguins do." "There, I've run rings round you logically." "Oh, intercourse the penguin." "It's just gone 8:00 and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode." "How did he know that was going to happen?" "It was an inspired guess." "And now..." "Number 23:the shin." "Number 24:" "reginald maudling's shin." "Number 25:the brain." "Number 26:" "margaret thatcher's brain." "And number 27:" "more naughty bits." "Number 28:the naughty bits of the cabinet." "Number 29:the interior of a country house." "That's not a part of the body." "No, it's a link, though." "I didn't think it was very good." "No, it's the end of the series." "They must be running out of ideas." "All right, don't anybody move." "There's been a murder." "A murder?" "No, no, not murder, no." "What's like a murder but begins with "b"?" "Birmingham?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Burnley?" "Burnley, that's right." "Burnley in lancashire." "There's been a burnley." "Burglary!" "Burglary." "Yes, good man." "Burglary-- that's it, of course." "There's been a burglary." "Where?" "In the back, just below the rib." "No, that's murder." "Oh, no-- in the, uh, the band." "In the bat... barclays bat." "Barclays bank?" "Yes, nasty business." "Got away with funt23,000." "Any clues?" "Any what?" "Well, any evidence as to who did it?" "Any clues, eh?" "Oh, we don't half talk posh, do we?" "I suppose we say "ehnvelope"" "And "larngerie"" "And "sarndwiches on the settee."" "Well, this is a murder investigation, young man" "And murder is a very serious business!" "I thought you said it was a burglary." "Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder." "Some burglaries are more serious than murder." "A burglary in which someone gets stabbed is murder." "So don't come these petty distinctions with me." "You're as bad as a judge." "Right!" "now, the first thing to do" "In the event of a breach of a peace of any kind" "Is to go and..." "Sorry, sorry, I was miles away." "Ring the police?" "Ring the police." "Yes, that's a good idea." "Get them over here fast." "No, on second thoughts" "Get them over here slowly" "So they don't drop anything." "Shall I make us all a cup of tea?" "Make what you like, boskovitch." "It won't help you in court." "I beg your pardon?" "I'm sorry, sorry." "That's the trouble with being on two cases at once." "I keep thinking I've got boskovitch cornered" "Whereas in fact, I'm investigating a burnley." "Burglary." "Yes-- good man." "Who's..." "who's boskovitch?" "Ha!" "Boskovitch is a russian scientist" "Who's passing information to the russians." "Classified information?" "Oh, there he goes again." ""classified information"?" "Oh, sitting on the settee" "With our scones and our classified information?" "Ah, hello, duckie." "Hello, sir, how are you?" "Fine, thanks, how are you?" "Well, sir" "I'm a little bit moody today, sir." "Why is that, duckie?" "Because..." "I'm a little bit sad and lonely" "Now my baby's gone away" "I'm feeling kinda blue, I don't know just what to do" "I feel a little sad today." "He's a little bit sad and lonely" "Now his baby's gone away" "He's feeling kinda blue, he don't know just what to do" "He ain't feeling too good today." "When I smile" "The sun comes flooding in" "When I'm sad" "It goes behind the clouds again" "I'm a little bit sad and lonely" "Well, my baby's gone away" "I'm feeling kinda..." "Etcetera, etcetera." "Lovely song." "And that's the final entry" "La derniere entree, das final entry." "And now, guten abend." "Die scores, der scores, les scores, dei scores." "Oh, scores... ha!" "scores!" "Yes, monaco is the winner." "Ha!" "monaco is the linner." "Oh, yes, man, monaco's won de big prize, bwana." "And now, here is chief inspector jean-paul zatapathique" "With the winning song, once again." "And so, inspector zatapathique" "The forensic expert from the monaco murder squad" "Sings his song, "bing tiddle tiddle bong."" "Quoi?" "quoi?" "Tout le monde, quoi?" "Pourquoi?" "Le monde est rond..." "Mais..." "Mais je ne sais pas..." "Vraiment..." "D'habitude..." "Mais..." "Je..." "Pense..." "Bing tiddle tiddle, tiddle, tiddle, tiddle, bang!" "Bong bing!" "Bing tiddle tiddle, tiddle tiddle tiddle bing!" "Bang bong!" "Bang tiddle tiddle..." "Bang!" "Bing bang!" "Bang!" "Bang bang!" "Bang...!" "Bing tiddle tiddle, bang tiddle tiddle" "Bong tiddle tiddle tiddle ding ding" "Bing tiddle tiddle, bang tiddle tiddle" "Bong tiddle tiddle tiddle ding ding..." "Bing tiddle tiddle bing..." "Bang!" "Number 31:the end."