"Aaaugh!" "Come on, come on, I have to wake up Xev!" "Xev?" "Can you hear me?" "Xev, please, hear me, you have to wake up now!" "Oh, Xev, oh, darling Xev, I've failed you." "The robot-head who loves you has let you down!" "Xev!" "Unhand me, you fiends!" "Or better yet, first bring me to my beloved Xev." "Bring me to Xev!" "Who's Xev?" "My beloved, darling Xev is the greatest woman who ever lived, and I demand that you wake her at once." "Who else is on board?" "Exactly." "A security guard called Stanley Tweedle who is of no importance whatsoever at any time or place, and a dead assassin named Kai." "Bring me to her at once or -!" "Or what?" "I'll wake her up myself." "How?" "I would've waken her a long time ago, except that the cryopod control unit couldn't hear me from down there where I was stuck." "So, she's the important one." "Without a doubt." "Good." "So, are you going to bring me to her?" "No." "The dead one." "Oh." "Kai, mine's not workin'!" "Oh, woah, I feel really stiff for some reason, like." "Oh, wait a second." "Are we somewhere?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah?" "Where?" "Somewhere." "Who are you?" "Prince." "Who are you?" "I'm Stanley." "WHAT are you?" "I'm a sec" " I'm, I'm a Tweedle." "Just, I'm a, I'm a captain." "Yes?" "Of the Lexx." "The Lexx?" "This is the Lexx." "This comet?" "Comet?" "No, no, this is not, we're on the Lexx." "It's, it's a, it's a big, uh, it's a big, uh.." "Bug?" "Yeah, yeah, that's it, it's a, it's a big bug, but, uh, it's, uh, it's also a spaceship." "I mean, it, it flies around like a bug, only it's bigger!" "And it can, uh, it can," "What?" "It can, uh" "What?" "It can talk, if it wants to." "So, exactly where are we?" "Between Fire and Water." "And, how long have we been ... here?" "You first appeared in the sky three battles ago." "How long, how long is that?" "A long time." "There have been many expeditions to the giant comet, or "bug", as you call it." "This is the first to succeed." "Hmm, interesting." "Lexx, you can wake up now." "Good morning, Stanley." "Good morning, Lexx." "How are ya today?" "I'm tired, Stan." "I have been sleeping for a very long time." "How long?" "I don't know." "How important are you?" "It isn't obvious?" "Uh, Lexx?" "Yes?" "Tell them, um, tell them that you're not unfriendly in any way, that you're just a big bug, that, that wants to eat, right?" "I am not unfriendly in any way." "I am just a big bug, that wants to eat, right?" "So." "Let's, uh, let's go wake up the others." "Why?" "We're just getting to know each other." "Well, it's just, my, my friends have been asleep for a long time, I'm sure they'd really like to be up about now." "Then let's be friends, Stanley Tweedle, you and I." "Friends?" "Oh, yeah, sure." "Yeah, friends." "We're friends." "So, what else does your bug do?" "It, uh, well it flies around, when it, uh" "When it what?" "When it, when, when it, when it does." "You know, I shoulda asked you before, but what, what do you guys exactly want?" "The question is not what do we want." "Oh, well, I, I, I want, uh, uh, I want, uh, I want outta here!" "We missed you, Stanley." "That hurts!" "Does it?" "Yes, it does!" "It hurts!" "I'm very good with pain." "Why are you doing this to me?" "Fun." "Ow!" "Tell me a story, Stanley Tweedle." "What kinda story?" "Ouch!" "Tell me about yourself." "Whadda ya wanna know?" "Who you are." "Ow!" "How you got here." "Well, um, we were in the Light Universe, it got destroyed, and that made us go into the Dark Zone, uh, into here." "The voice of an angel." "Just let's not forget now we are in the Dark Zone." "And this is the Universe of Evil, o-o-o-o-of Chaos, of Depravity." "I mean, so, what do we do now?" "Hunh?" "I suppose we find ourselves a new home." "Which then gets destroyed, like every place we've ever been." "Your point?" "My point, my point ... is THAT this time, we should actually have a plan, you know?" "Let's actually choose a worthwhile destination, instead of just, finding some random one!" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, Kai!" "You know about the Dark Zone, I mean, where are the good planets?" "Define good planet." "Well, for me, it would be one, you know, I'd feel comfortable living on, you know, that kind of tingle me, jingle me.." "..get hunk and do it, you know, kind of planet." "You understand what I mean." "No." "Well, uh, you know, uh, "come here, squeeze me, please me, tease me" kind of planet, you know with naughty nymphomaniac planet!" "Nimbus Nine." "What, Nimbus Nine, what?" "Nimbus Nine is a prison planet, rumored to be entirely populated by ... naked, naughty, nymphomaniacs." "Oh, ho-ho-ho, Lexx, set course to Nimbus Nine." "I am sorry, Stanley, I cannot do that." "What?" "I cannot, set, course, for, Nimbus, Nine." "No, no, no, ten times no!" "Lexx, I am your captain, and I am giving you a direct order." "I'm sorry, Stanley, I cannot." "Why not?" "I am hungry." "Yeah, Lexx, well, so am I. But what's that gotta do with going to Nimbus Nine?" "I am giving you a direct order!" "I ... am ... very ..." "Lexx?" "Lexx?" "Lexx!" "Hungry!" "Yeah, Lexx, so you said." "Now, Lexx, please take us to Nimbus Nine." "I cannot." "The Lexx is out of fuel." "Kai merely diverted some of the tiny amount of power in Lexx's weapon system." "Food is his fuel, and the Lexx has not eaten in some time." "Which means?" "That we're stuck." "Why don't you just go ahead and eat?" "There is nothing to eat around here." "Well, go somewhere where there's food!" "I cannot go anywhere." "How can he be so stupid?" "Easily and always." "He is stupid, and you're captain of the stupid." "Do we have any plan?" "We can drift until we are, eventually, drawn into the orbit of a celestial object." "Well, how long is it going to take us to reach ... one of those if we just drift?" "Somewhere between 900 standard years and 16,000 standard years." "I'll set the program to wake me up once each year, to check on 790." "Why?" "Don't you trust him?" "Our journey will be long." "The chance of mechanical failure over such a period ... is not insignificant." "Okay, Lexx, are you ready?" "I am ready, Stan." "Good." "Well, I guess this is it." "I'm ready." "Yeah, me too." "Okay, Lexx, it's time." "You can go to sleep now." "As you command." "And Lexx, don't wake up until I tell you, okay?" "Good night, Stan." "Good night, Lexx!" "Good night, Stan." "Good night, Kai." "Kai, is it okay if I dream about you?" "You will not dream." "Well, if I did dream, I would like to dream about you." "If you like." "I do like." "Good night, Kai." "And then, then you unfroze me." "It seems like it all just happened." "I guess you have no sense of time when you're in cryosleep." "Well, look, that, that's everything, that, that's it." "You know, we're just travelers, we're just passin' thru." "And, and, look, I know that the ship looks big, and it looks, looks scary and all, but it, I mean, it's just a bug, it, it couldn't hurt a fly!" "So it's no threat to you or to anybody!" "So, look, I'll just go wake up the others, and, and, we'll just, just continue on our way." "What about the man in black?" "Oh, uh, he's dead." "See, we're just hanging onto him, until, uh, we can finally land on a planet and bury him, ya know." "It's, it's a custom we observe with our dead." "Uh, actually, he's, uh, kind of alive-dead." "Alive-dead?" "Yeah." "Yeah, he can actually walk around a little bit." "You know, we should go wake him up, so that, so that I can show ya, you'd find it really interesting!" "What about, the woman?" "Oh, don't worry about her, she's, I dunno, she's just a nurse or somethin'." "You know, I, I, you know, I don't even know for sure what it is she does do, but she's definitely not important." "She's not important?" "No, not important, not in any way, shape, or form." "YOU are not important!" "Oh, jeez, is it, uh, stop pushing!" "Where am I?" "Look, just please tell me where I am!" "Hey, look, ow!" "Hey, easy there, pal!" "I didn't agree to any of this!" "What was that?" "Could, just could you please speak a little more clearly?" "What a couple cretins." "Look, you see, when I speak, I use my lips, and my tongue so that simpletons like you can understand." "Is that your tongue?" "Oh, sorry." "But I still don't understand what you want from me." "Oh!" "Oh." "Oh." "Is this what I'm supposed to do?" "Yeah, well, I don't wanna do that." "Look, look, whatever, whatever." "I'm not gonna do it!" "Okay, okay, okay, okay!" "I'll do it!" "For what?" "Where am I?" "Kay?" "Sten?" "Who are you?" "Who are you?" "I'm Prince." "Who are you?" "Xev." "Xev.." "Tell me about yourself, Xev." "Tell me everything." "Tell me about your ship." "Tell me your story." "No, no, no, fifty thousand times, no." "I am not gonna do this anymore." "I've had enough!" "I'm not gonna do it anymore!" "Do ya hear me?" "Does anybody hear me?" "This is Stanley H. Tweedle, captain of the Lexx." "And I am not gonna play your stupid game anymore!" "Oh, well, good, finally!" "Now, look, I hereby formally protest the treatment that I am receiving." "I have done nothing to warrant this kind of punishment." "And I demand that I be returned to my ship, or else you're gonna suffer the severest, the severest consequences, and I'm serious about this!" "Forget it!" "Forget it!" "Now, listen, my arms are tired, my legs are about to give out, and my back is burning up." "So, you can poke all you want, but I'm not gonna do this anymore, period." "Hey, hey, hey." "You guys hear me?" "Look, I know you don't have tongues, but you got, you got ears, haven't ya?" "Look, I'm Stanley H. Tweedle, captain of the Lexx, and I'm not gonna put up with this any longer!" "Oh no, what did I do to deserve this?" "Oh, oh, I get it." "This is a joke, right?" "Right?" "This is a joke, right?" "Hunh?" "Now, you guys are just trying to scare me, right?" "Look, I'm, I'm, I'm willing to co-operate, okay?" "I'm willing to co-operate." "I mean" "Look, you, you made your point." "Okay, so, so, let's just get rid of the blade thing, okay?" "Look, I don't have a whole lot more left in me, okay?" "Hey, look, if I don't have a head, I won't be able to pump at all!" "Guys, look, I'm co-operating!" "Guys!" "The blade!" "Guys!" "I will love you forever." "Why's it so hot in here?" "That is why we're always at war." "Some suffer in a world of heat and flames and others luxuriate in a world of cool water, and endless beauty." "What're you talking about?" "What has always been, and what no longer must be." "Sorry?" "We burn in the heat, and they care nothing of our suffering." "Who are ... they?" "No one knows how long ago the war began, and no one knew how it would end, until now." "Are you afraid?" "Of what?" "Of me." "Should I be?" "Yes." "I still don't know who you are, but I'm not afraid of you." "We pump the bellows, day and night, to keep the air cool, it's the only way we have to survive." "We must escape from this place." "There's our new home, Water." "I sense a deep emptiness in you, Xev." "Please help me." "How?" "I don't know." "You must tell me, I only know that you can." "Why?" "It's my gift." "I don't think I understand." "I, I have waited for you forever." "What do you mean?" "I knew that somehow, some day, you would come here, and until that day happened, I would never know true joy." "Is that what you feel ... now?" "Close your eyes." "Close them." "Please help me." "How can I?" "Until now, there has always been a balance, that's why the war has never ended." "But now, you, Xev, you are the grain of sand that will tip the scales." "You and your ship, the Lexx." "790, you do not love me." "You love Xev." "Who's Xev?" "She is a beautiful love-slave." "Who cares about a stupid love-slave?" "You are the man of my dreams." "Except for one short period each year, I've been frozen for over 4 millennia." "You have been switching on once a month during that same period." "Since I last re-animated, Xev and Stan, the other members of the crew have disappeared." "What happened to them?" "Don't know, don't care." "790, do you love me?" "Desperately!" "Then you will help me locate them." "Whatever you say, heartthrob of desire." "Where's the dead man when you need him?" "The moths are all dead, so we cannot fly down to the two planets." "Good!" "And, Kai?" "Yes?" "Your name has a nice ring to it." "Thank you, 790." "Where are Stanley and Kai?" "They're dead." "Stanley Tweedle was the one that had the key to the Lexx." "The key to the Lexx?" "Yeah, the Lexx only responds to the one who has the key." "Is that important?" "The Lexx is not a grain of sand that can tip your scale, it is a huge desert." "Actually, it's the most powerful weapon ever created." "It can destroy a planet within seconds." "But only if Stanley Tweedle tells it to." "He never mentioned that to me." "What do ya mean?" "I thought he was ... dead?" "Please, Kai, think of me, think of our future together!" "When we pass between the two planets, I can drop down to one, or the other." "I have no way of knowing which one they are on, I'll have to make a random choice." "Choose me!" "Choose the robot-head!" "I will not make that choice." "Then promise me that you'll come back." "I cannot do that either." "I may not find the means necessary to return." "Then let me come with you!" "You would be destroyed on impact." "I will call you, if I require your assistance." "We are at the optimum point." "I will let you choose the planet, 790." "I will short-circuit!" "I will crash!" "I cannot choose one planet over the other, I'm not wired for it!" "Then I choose the desert planet." "No!" "The water planet, the water planet!" "I will accept your choice, 790." "You may be dead, but our love will always be alive."