"You will not believe what happened to to me." "I'm driving home, listening to my yodelling tapes, when the driver behind me starts furiously honking his horn." "I decide to be a lady and let him pass." "What does he do?" "Pulls alongside, shouts obscenities that'd make Joan Rivers blush and then speeds off down the street." " Rose, I got my own problems." " Your own problems?" "I can't find my lucky handkerchief." " Lucky handkerchief?" " What are you?" "A mynah bird?" "I'm getting my kit together for a bingo game and it's not here." "Playing without it is like Kareem without his goggles." "I'm sorry, Sophia, I'm just so upset." "You would feel a lot better if you had shouted back." "I couldn't do that." "I get so flustered in those situations." "A well-chosen gesture can be very effective." "Something like this." "Sophia, isn't that obscene?" "No." "They mean, "good health," "have a nice day"" "and "would you like to squeeze my concertina?"" "You spent the afternoon together." "He didn't ask you out?" "What did you do wrong?" " Who didn't ask you out?" " You got a phone book?" "Frank Leahy, the teacher I've been working with on the youth fair." "Two weeks and he hasn't asked her out yet." "I don't know him know him." "We have spent exactly two Saturday mornings building display booths and painting signs." "We're hardly close." "You could be, if you'd ask him out." "He's too shy to ask you." "Maybe he just doesn't like her." "Thank you, Rose." "Incidentally, you look fat." "The time for subtlety has passed." "If you want this man, ask him out." "I don't know." "I feel so awkward asking a man out on a date." "You could invite him here to dinner, wouldn't seem as pushy." "Great idea, then we can all check him out." " I don't think I can do it." " Of course you can." "You be Frank." "I'll be you." "OK?" "Why, Frank, you know I've been thinking, this is our third Saturday and I don't even know what you like to eat." "Come over for dinner this Saturday night and let me find out what whets your appetite." "And what are you serving for dessert, Blanche, penicillin?" "I'll do it my own way." "If you do, you'd better use Jane Fonda's body, otherwise, it'll be just four of us for dinner." "Frank..." "Frank, I'm sorry." "I was just going to say that the sign seemed a little high on one side." " How about a coffee break?" " Sure." "When you get the chance, would you fix that sign?" "Seems a little high on one side." "Yeah, sure, Frank." "I notice a lot of your students call you "Frank."" " You don't approve?" " No." "On the contrary." "Anything other than "Yo, Teach."" "Is an educational breakthrough." "Formal titles can be very intimidating." "This way, I'm just one of the guys." "You think a lot of these kids." " So do you." " I do, but..." "I sense a special dedication from you." " It's nice." " Thanks, Dorothy." "I've been at this a long time." "I know their families, been to their homes for dinner." "Really?" "You've been to their homes for dinner?" "They spread a newspaper on the floor for me." "I'm kidding." "You seem so amazed." "I'm not amazed." "I just think it's nice that you do that." "I just assumed that you knew that I ate dinner." "It's nice that you go to people's homes for dinner." "How would you like to go home with me?" "I mean, for dinner." "Next week?" "My roommates would love to meet you." " What's a good night?" " Bingo night." "Or I'd have to introduce you to my mother." "But the table looked fine, right where we always keep it." "But with her complexion, those yellow garden lights make Dorothy look like Eric Severeid." "Look out, St Dominic's." "Sophia feels lucky tonight." "Tonight's the big bingo game, isn't it?" "The biggest." "I got my lucky handkerchief." "I can't lose." " Where did you find it?" " In my bra." "In your bra?" "What was your lucky handkerchief doing in there?" "I was blowing my breasts, Rose." "To give me cleavage, to turn on the butcher to get a decent piece of veal." "Now, if you'll excuse me, there's an electric weed whacker with my name on it." "When we go out there for dinner, sit on the far side and I'll sit next to you." " Why?" " In case anyone wants to play footsie." "That sounds like fun." "I haven't played footsie in years." " Charlie never..." " Rose." "Frank and Dorothy might play footsie." " How do I look?" " Beautiful." "Go back and change." "That might be alright for a gay funeral in New Orleans, but it's too... it's much too subtle for this evening." "Put on something flashy." " Flashy." "Something colourful." " That's really not me, Blanche." "I know, honey, but take a chance." "Be a woman." "It's an awful lot to ask, but I'll try." "Go." "Rose, come on." "Let's go see about supper." "Don't you think you might be pushing Dorothy a little hard?" "No, and I need all your help." "She needs your help, too." "She won't have too many chances." "She doesn't have my beauty or your..." "We'll help you next week." "The point is she glows every time she speaks his name." "Do you think Dorothy's in love?" "She's very definitely smitten." "With help from us, she can fire Cupid's arrow into the tushie of love." "The "tushie of love"?" "For some strange reason, I find that provocative." "You really ought to date more, Rose." "That must be him." "Heat up the rolls and cool yourself down." "Good evening." "Good evening, Father." "This must be an important cause." "Don't you usually make the nuns ask for money?" "I'll get my purse." "I'm Frank." "I'm here to see Dorothy." "You're the hunk?" "I mean..." "Forgive me, Father." "That is, forgive my language, not in your official capacity." "I'm not even a Catholic." "I'm a Baptist and you can't forgive us Baptists." "Sweet Jesus, why am I babbling?" "I meant that in all due reverence." "I never take the Lord's name in vain." "God." "Now I'm lying to a priest." "Why don't you come on in and sit down." "I'm Blanche." "Would you get the door?" "Dorothy's told me a great deal about you." "Well, she left out one itty-bitty detail about you." "That I'm a priest?" "She didn't know." "What'd she think?" "You were just a boring dresser?" "She's just never seen me in cleric's clothing." "I didn't know you priests could take your clothes off." "We do a lot of things real people do." "Except for one very important thing." "Boy, is that gonna put a hitch in Dorothy's plans." "Hello." "I'm Rose Nylund." "You must be Frank." " It's a pleasure to meet you." " Thank you." "Nice to meet you." " Dorothy's talked about you for weeks." " Rose." "Every time she mentions your name, she glows." " Rose." " I think she's very smitten." "Rose." " He's a priest, isn't he?" " Yes, Rose." "I'm so sorry Hell Town was cancelled." "Frank, I'm sorry I..." "Please tell me that's a Nehru jacket." "No, it's not." "Rose, let's go heat up the lasagne." "Come on." "Why didn't you tell me it was Father Leahy?" " I assumed you knew." " No, I didn't." "I mean, frankly, I'm..." " I'm a little embarrassed." " Me, too." "We can still be friends, can't we?" "Of course we can." "I'm glad you're here." "Yeah, so am I." "You look lovely tonight." "I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer." "Dorothy, I'm sorry about this misunderstanding." "I know." "I know." "It's alright." "OK, everybody, we're ready to serve the appetisers." "Come on, Frank." "We're eating out on the lanai." "Now, where am I supposed to sit?" "Where you damn well please." "What difference does it make?" "Go." "So first you were a teacher and then you became a priest." "First, I went to medical school for a year." "Then I quit and became an assistant basketball coach, then a teacher, then came the priesthood." "What do you think you'll do next?" "Anybody care for more coffee?" "I have another pot brewing." "Let me give you a hand." "Excuse me." "You know, black is your colour." "Did that influence your decision to enter the priesthood?" "It wasn't the evening I'd planned, but it's turned out to be pleasant enough." "Frank is a very special person, isn't he?" "Yes, he is and he obviously thinks the same about you." "Of course he does." "We're friends." "Dorothy, I hesitate to say this, but..." "Something in Frank's eyes says he thinks of you as more than a friend." "Blanche, the man is a priest." "The man's a man." "I'm not listening to this." "I was in a similar situation once." "He was a man of the cloth." "Totally dedicated to his vocation or so he said, but his eyes told me he was dedicated to me." "We both knew it was wrong and we fought our feelings with every bone in our hot, longing, writhing bodies." "It was just too much for us and we checked into a Best Western." "You had an affair with a priest?" "I said, "a man of the cloth."" "He was a fabric salesman." "We never made love again, but he did cover my La-Z-Boy for free." "Wonderful, Blanche." "Something in his eyes says he wants you, in the biblical sense." "I will not listen to this." "The coffee's ready." "Ma, the bingo game's over already?" "It wasn't a game." "It was a travesty." "They call four lousy numbers and, boom, Gloria's a winner." "Six more numbers," "Kessler's jumping up and down, shouting, "I'm rich."" "Of course she also does this on the boardwalk to attract men." "I think the whole thing was fixed." "That's why I'm gonna ask Hugh Downs to investigate." "I guess they sent you over to shut me up." "Ma, this is Father Leahy." "He had dinner with us tonight." "Pleased to meet you." "What happened to your date?" "Father Leahy is her date." "Come here." "Dorothy, sometimes a mother gets a little busy and forgets to tell her daughter everything she needs to know." "So I'm telling you now." "Don't date a priest." "It's bad luck." " Ma..." " Trust me on this one." "What happened to me at bingo tonight was no accident." "I didn't realise how late it was." "I should be going." "Thank you, all." "I had a wonderful time." "I'll see you on Saturday at the youth fair." "Dinner before then?" "Something I want to talk about." "Sure." "What is it?" "Thanks to you, I'm on the verge of making an important decision." "I'm thinking of leaving the Church." "Good night." "I thought I heard you up." "I couldn't sleep." "I had a horrible nightmare." "Tell it to me." "I'm awful good at interpreting dreams." "I was a contestant on The Dating Game and I won." "I went to meet the bachelor who picked me and it was the Pope." "That is a tough one." "Where did you go on the date?" "Forget it, forget it." "Good night, Blanche." "What are you doing?" "I thought you were asleep." "Provisions." "I figured we'd be up all night talking." " I'm going." " She don't feel like talking." "But I got chocolate macadamia-nut cheesecake and rum-raisin ice cream." "Alright." "Start cutting." "You scoop." "That's my girl." "Did you decide what you're gonna do?" "No." "My luck." "The first really wonderful guy I've met in a long time and he turns out to have a more serious involvement." " With whom?" " Pam Dawber." "The Church." "Or he did until he met me." "Take the religious aspect out of this and it's romantic." "Giving up everything for the woman he loves, like the Duke of Windsor." "Or the story of Rose and Charlie Nylund." "When I think of one," "I automatically think of the other." "When Charlie and I started dating," "I felt his folks didn't like me." "That's when I decided to get to the bottom of things and the ancient feud between the Nylunds and the Gorkleknabygens." "That was my mother's maiden name." "Gorkleknabygen?" "Originally, it was Gorkleknabygen-Höffstädlerfeil." "But they shortened it." "Most of my mother's family were in show business." "Anyway, when Charlie told them we were gonna get married, they forbade it." "They said they'd disown him if he married..." " A Gorkleknabygen." " Right." "He'd lose his share of the family tile grout fortune." "He didn't care." "He told them he loved me more than grout." "Must have been a tough choice for old Charlie." "I thought I heard voices." "Only two of them are God-fearing." "Ma, get off my back." "I feel bad enough." "What about me?" "81 years, I've eaten fish on a Friday, even when the Pope said I didn't have to." "I go to Mass, I light candles, and for what?" "To be flushed down the toilet, because my daughter dates Father Happy Pants." "Ma, you're not making it any easier." "Look, Dorothy, in the end, only you can decide what's right for you." "Whatever decision it is, I'll stand by you." " Thanks, Ma." " Just remember, make the wrong decision, you'll burn in hell forever." "Sleep tight, pussycat." "I'm not here to confess, I did that a day ago." "At my age, how much can I sin?" "I had an impure thought?" "I'd kill to have an impure thought." "That would be two sins." "But now I'm telling you your business." "Let me get to the real point." "It's about you and my daughter." "I know everything and, frankly, I'm not thrilled." "If you wanna leave the priesthood, that's between you and the Vatican, but you should know about Dorothy, before you get carried away." "So, Frank, have you made your decision?" "I can serve the Church better as a teaching priest at St Helen's, instead of a parish priest here." "We're gonna miss you around here." "Look, I know priests are men and they have urges." "What is it, lust?" "It'll pass." "I do without." "You get used to it." "Get cable TV." " Lots of luck." " Thanks." " Frank." " Dorothy?" " What are you doing here?" " Free time between classes." "So you drove 18 miles across town?" "OK." "I wanted to talk to you." "I didn't want to wait." "The thought that I might be responsible for the decision you're making is too much." "This is crazy." "It's not like you pushed me towards this decision." "You didn't know I was thinking about it." "Blanche did." "She saw it in your eyes." " My eyes?" " You're a very special person." "I knew the moment I met you and you felt the same about me." "I can't tell you how flattering that is." "I mean, at this stage of a woman's life, to have someone instantly feel that spark for her is a dream come true." "Maybe in the dream he wouldn't be a priest, but that doesn't make it any the less flattering, but it does make it a lot more complicated." "So, Frank, you cannot go through with this." " Dorothy." " No, no, no." "It's a mistake that we would both regret for the rest of our lives." "No matter how strongly you feel," "I cannot let you leave the priesthood for me." "What?" "I understand how hurt you must feel." "Alright, maybe I don't understand exactly." "I'm sorry, Dorothy, but our relationship seems to be one misunderstanding after another." "Misunderstanding?" "I'm not leaving the priesthood." "I'm leaving the Church, this church." "But..." "Well..." "If you're not leaving the priesthood, then I just made a complete ass of myself." "Excuse my language, Father, but, as an English teacher," "I can tell you that's the most appropriate description." " No, it's not." " How can you say that?" "I created an entire relationship in my imagination." "It wasn't in your imagination." "There is something special between us." "We appreciate each other." "You could help me see where I could do most good, as a teaching priest." "It's taken me a little while, but I think I've got it." "Alright." "Listen, your silence is deafening." "I didn't wanna whip this one out, but I have no choice." "She's been divorced." "You know the rulebook." "We're talking eternity here." "Are we still on for dinner Thursday night?" "Yes." "Just so there won't be another misunderstanding, who is buying?" " How about a Dutch treat?" " Great." "See you Thursday." "Dorothy, thanks." "It's like you didn't hear a word I said!"