"MAN:" "I think that there's something wrong with me." "For some reason, I find that the girls that I like as human beings" "I'm not sexually attracted to and the ones that I am sexually attracted to" "I don't particularly like as human beings." "And on the rare occasion when one falls in both categories they usually have a boyfriend or a husband and Lord knows I've got enough of that bad karma to last me a lifetime." "Huh." "These are classic Freudian symptoms, Conrad." "Haven't you ever read about defense mechanisms?" "Actually, I've always considered myself more of a Jungian." "(CHEERFUL LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC)" "(PHONE RINGS)" "The phone's ringing again!" "Would you stop talking?" "(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) You stop talking." "Alright." "Morning." "(MAN ON PHONE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)" "Afternoon." "Yes, it's Conrad Valmont." "What?" "But I've lived here since birth!" "(THUNDER CRACKS)" "(AIR ON THE G STRING BY BACH PLAYS)" "NARRATOR:" "This is Conrad Valmont." "Conrad was the son of a Parisian entrepreneur and a Caledonian debutante." "His father, Jean-Louis Valmont, owned the Valmont Hotel as had his father and his father before him." "Their country home in Great Neck was the pantheon of summer gatherings." "On the eve of his 51st year," "Jean-Louis took Conrad's mother to the south of France on what was to be a weekend excursion." "It had since turned into a lavish escapade around the world lasting nearly three decades." "Over the subsequent years, Conrad was raised by the Valmont's staff." "His chauffeur Bernard had taken Conrad to a Parisian brothel for his 13th birthday as a sort of rite of passage into polite society." "It was a family tradition." "At present, he was working on his magnum opus - a great New York novel in the tradition of Fitzgerald and Edith Wharton." "It was widely speculated as to where he was in the process of writing it." "When asked, he would simply reply..." "I'm in the gathering stages." "Conrad had been in the "gathering stages"" "for several years now." "Last week Thursday, Conrad's parents had capsized and had become stranded on a small island in the Mediterranean." "Having to spend numerous days together without the distractions of wealth and a transient lifestyle, they'd come to a simple realisation they didn't particularly like one another." "Conrad's parents were to divorce by the week's end and neither wanted to continue paying for Conrad's extravagant lifestyle." "Hence, the Valmont board of trustees had requested hotel security to escort Conrad from the premises by 2 PM." "CONRAD:" "Bunny, please make yourself useful." "Get some more cigarettes, please." "Hey!" "What?" "Mm, I'm hungry." "(KNOCK AT DOOR) I'll be right there!" "I don't understand." "What do you mean they won't accept the charges?" "Did you tell them it was Conrad Valmont?" "Hello?" "(YAWNS) (DOG WHINES)" "What are you smiling at?" "Oh, nothing." "Come on, Bunny." "Bernard, please take us to the Belleville Cafe." "Uhh, I'm..." "I'm sorry." "I can't." "Hey, it's me!" "I'm gonna have this sorted out in no time." "I can't." "I mean, it's orders from the boss." "I'm sorry, Connie." "Can you do me a favour?" "Name it." "Can you take care of Napoleon while I'm gone?" "Of course." "BUNNY:" "This is lame!" "I'm gonna go." "No, Bunny, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Listen." "Mmm?" "Can I borrow some cash for a cab?" "(BUNNY SCOFFS)" "No?" "I'll be in touch." "(SHORT PIANO PRELUDE)" "NARRATOR:" "Conrad chose to ride the subway a convention he rarely took up since he had learned how to hail a cab at the age of seven, but it was on this rare occasion that he first saw Beatrice." "Her unassuming beauty struck him at once and as his eyes gazed down he couldn't help but notice she was reading "Sense and Sensibility"." "Immediately Conrad reasoned she could be no older than 19 and would easily be moulded into a girl of his liking." "Of course, there was always the outside chance that she was merely a Jane Austen fan." "But Conrad quickly ruled that out on a hunch." "Herein lies the eternal question is it a grocery list or her phone number?" "It was at that moment Conrad realised he was going to see her naked." "(SCOOTER HORN TOOTS)" "CONRAD:" "I think I'm in love." "Conrad, you've only just met her." "I know." "Is she attractive?" "Yes." "You know, you have an unhealthy obsession with female beauty." "I don't care." "Maybe you should try dating more homely women." "I don't think so." "Take it from me, someone who's been married for 25 years, Conrad inner beauty doesn't age." "You're just saying that because your wife is unattractive." "Conrad." "Yes." "What are you going to do?" "You have no home." "Move in with Dylan, of course." "How about money?" "I need some." "Thank you." "Yes." "Conrad, I'm not your accountant." "I'm your analyst." "Well, I'm certainly not going to travel downtown and work for 10 hours a day for the best 20 years of my life doing some dull, unimaginative work, certainly non-altruistic work." "No, thanks." "Conrad, there's an interesting case study a colleague of mine did a few years back." "The subject was a young German woman who had been diagnosed with a brain tumour." "It rendered her witty, charming and quite likeable to most." "Are you trying to set me up?" "Though she possessed all the aforementioned attributes, her life was actually completely artificial." "She had no meaning, no emotion, not a care in the world." "Hmm." "She seemed utterly blissful to an outsider, but her friends and family were worried, even horrified." "Mmm?" "German neurologists called it "Witzelsucht"." ""The joking disease"." "But eventually a dissolution set in and her life was left empty." "Are you saying that I have a brain tumour?" "Conrad's analyst had given Conrad a low-interest loan in the amount of $217.33 the entirety of his wallet's remains." "Conrad's ego was in no position to admit the reality of his impoverishment." "Consequently, he had decided not to tell Dylan..." "Ding-dong!" "(RINGS BUZZER) or anyone, for that matter, of his financial woes." "Bonjour, comrade." "Bonjour." "This is Dylan Tate." "Dylan was an antisocial socialist, a closet conversationalist, a clinical neurotic." "Possessing an inimitable talent for the arts," "Dylan had been afforded the opportunity to travel the world and live a comfortable lifestyle at his own expense something Conrad knew nothing about." "Dylan Tate was the only personage of all Conrad's acquaintances whom he admired and, to a bigger extent than he liked to admit to himself, envied." "How was Greece?" "You mean Bhutan." "Semantics." "I got back a couple of days ago." "Mm-hm." "You mind if I stay with you for a while?" "(SIGHS) Sure." "Come on in." "So what happened?" "We are remodelling at the Valmont again." "Where's Jocelyn?" "(INHALES SHARPLY) I don't know." "Uh, it's been a couple of weeks." "What I first perceived as cute and endearing was actually quite exhausting her episodic hysteria, her chronic dissatisfaction, her endless pragmatism." "You know you two always do this one of you screams, the other comes running back." "I..." "I bought her a Volvo." "You bought her a Vo..." "Why do you always buy them a Volvo?" "I don't know." "It's like a free ticket to leave." "How can I feel guilty, you know?" "I bought her a Volvo!" "DYLAN:" "You know, what really pisses me off about this whole thing is that I'm the one who funded her entire vegan fashion line and now that every socialite in St Barts thinks it's fashionable" "I get the swift kick." "Swift kick?" "I thought you broke it off with her." "I did, but still..." "So Henri over at the gallery set me up on a date last week." "That bad, huh?" "You can always tell what somebody thinks of you by who they set you up with." "Is it wrong to be aroused by a bunch of 17-year-old girls running around with knee-high socks and polyester shorts?" "Well, I guess that's a decision every man has to make for himself." "But yes." "Obviously, yes." "Conrad needs a girlfriend." "No, no, no, we don't need girlfriends." "This is not the time for girlfriends." "This is the time for us to read and to write and to have deviant fetishistic sex with prostitutes." "Please!" "This from a serial monogamist." "You've never even been with a prostitute." "I understand that." "If you'll indulge me, I'm going through a rough break-up." "I need to have certain reassurances about the prospect of bachelorhood." "Look alive, look alive." "You need a new goalie?" "Don't make eye contact." "GIRL:" "Hey, mister, give us back our ball!" "Interaction is inappropriate." "I can play!" "No, you cannot." "We should move." "They're like little veal." "DYLAN:" "So I met a woman a couple of weeks ago." "I don't know." "I can't get her out of my head." "What happened to "the prospects of bachelorhood"?" "I know." "I just find it completely, overwhelmingly tedious and unnerving." "So tell me about the girl." "What are the details?" "Well, she's like an ingénue in a Chekhov play." "You know, one of those overly romantic, virtuous types, completely self-inhibited, doesn't drink, didn't have sex until she was 21 and read the bulk of the Victorian classics." "Jesus!" "Sounds like a real keeper." "Oh, she is." "She really is." "I'm in way over my head." "Is she attractive?" "She's a model." "CONRAD:" "If I ever lost my fortune and was completely disinherited, could you ever see me as a struggling bohemian artist type?" "Hypothetically speaking, of course." "That reminds me do you want to come with me to the cocktail benefit at the Woodruff Modern tonight?" "Nope." "Come on!" "You know I don't like those things." "It'll be fun." "You can..." "Probably not." "Then you can meet the ingénue." "Is it a date?" "Not exactly." "We do this thing where we don't really go out together." "We just call each other to make sure the other's gonna be at a certain place at a preordained time and..." "Adorable." "We just happen to bump into one another." "It's..." "less pressure." "So do you wanna come to the cocktail party?" "Well, I'll need a cocktail first." "Are you wearing perfume?" "No, it's a new cologne that I'm wearing for my date." "Why?" "What do you think?" "Well, I think it smells like perfume." "No." "The woman at Bergdorfs told me that it's unisex." "And you wanted to smell sexually ambiguous?" "Good evening, and welcome to this evening's benefit." "I must say I am more than thrilled to see so many familiar faces." "Enjoy the complimentary hors d'oeuvres and champagne and, remember, make a donation!" "PEOPLE:" "Cheers." "(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC)" "NARRATOR:" "This is Beatrice Fairbanks." "Beatrice had attended a rather strict etiquette school on a biweekly basis." "In doing so, Beatrice had been quietly instilled with a certain Victorian idolatry, a paragon of virtue." "Beatrice had been forced at a young age to learn the works of Bach, Chopin and other masters of classical music, though secretly she had always wanted to play jazz." "Oddly, Beatrice had opted to become an editorial model..." "C'est bon, c'est bon." "It's OK, it's OK." "An occupation that only heightened her insecurities." "(PHOTOGRAPHER CHATTERS RAPIDLY IN FRENCH)" "Beatrice was a finn believer in mystics, psychics and the occult, which ran counter to the debutante norm which favoured incessant psychoanalysis." "What does it mean?" "So, what do you think of my cologne?" "Oh, that's you!" "You probably didn't get a good..." "It's a little feminine." "The woman at Bergdorfs told me it was unisex." "Hi." "She was clearly lying." "He smells pretty, doesn't he?" "Um, Beatrice, this is my 'friend' Conrad." "Conrad, Beatrice." "We've met." "Just briefly." "On the subway." "Subway?" "Mm-hm." "I gave him my, um..." "Scarf." "She gave me her scarf." "It was cold." "I'm gonna need that back from you." "OK." "I'll give it to you." "Mm-hm." "I can get it from you..." "to give to her." "I'm gonna..." "I think I see foie gras." "DYLAN:" "Yep." "Want some, hmm?" "Duck?" "DYLAN:" "No." "Take your time." "He's, uh..." "That's so nice of you." "Obviously I've got a target on my back." "I didn't even know it." "I didn't even know it." "And listen to this." "My mistress says she doesn't want to have sex because she's afraid she'll get pregnant." "I told her at the rate we have intercourse the only way that's going to happen is from immaculate conception." "(CHUCKLES) Didn't you say she was on the pill?" "Yeah, yeah, she is, but she says she's afraid of the 1% and, besides, she wants to get off, it gives her mood swings." "Awful." "Just awful." "You already have a wife that doesn't want to sleep with you." "Touché." "Honey, have you met, um..." "Hmm." "Don't you find that the... the virtuous ideals of the Victorian authors are somewhat unrealistic and sentimental?" "No, not at all." "And as the century went on, the scope of the genre became far more complex." "You do realise that the moniker of 'Victorian literature' ranges from the Brontë sisters to Kipling?" "Yes." "Have you ever actually read any of their books?" "No, but I'm..." "I'm heavily considering it." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "She wouldn't have left." "She..." "she asked me to say goodbye, so..." "There she is." "Hey." "Hi." "So where... where you heading now?" "I have to go to bed." "I have work in the morning." "Yeah, me too." "I'm gonna..." "So what are you working on these days?" "Nothing in particular." "I'm open to ideas." "You sound very ambitious." "Actually, I am in the gathering stages of a novel." "(GIGGLES)" "It is to be one of the great New York novels in the tradition of Fitzgerald, Edith Wharton." "You've been in the gathering stages for over a decade." "Well, all good things take time." "I rushed my first novel." "I don't want to suffer the same pitfalls as my predecessors with my sophomore effort." ""Rushed"?" "I don't think you finished your first novel." "And I'm pretty sure it can't qualify as a sophomore effort if you don't finish your first book." "You finish..." "Nonetheless, everybody knows that there are certain pitfalls associated with a sophomore effort that I simply want to avoid." "Period." "Avoid it by not doing it." "Dylan!" "Well... goodnight." "Goodnight." "(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)" "Don't you try anything." "I won't." "Don't try anything." "I won't." "Don't." "I..." "Nearly 30 minutes had passed and Beatrice could still feel a rush from Conrad's flirtation." "Don't try anything." "I won't." "Not this one." "Dylan..." "I won't." "(CLASSICAL GUITAR MUSIC)" "Don't try anything." "I won't!" "The two friends' competitive nature, which had spanned nearly three decades, stemmed from the simple fact that each not only envied the other, but wanted secretly to be the other." "Neither one ever spoke of this." "(STEAM HISSES)" "You know just 'cause you're almost 40 and still getting a weekly allowance from your parents doesn't mean you can just do nothing for the rest of your life." "First of all, I'm writing a novel, as you well know." "Secondly, your statement is completely subjective and lacking any substantive facts." "You're walking down a very dangerous road, my friend." "What road is that?" "The road to Fantasy Land." "Oh." "And when you take a trip to Fantasy Land you should always have a return ticket." "I don't even know what that means." "At some point you're gonna have to come to the same realisation I did." "What's that?" "The rest of the world is never gonna love you as much as your parents do." "Weren't you adopted?" "I don't understand why you're interested in this guy." "He's just another philandering affluent type doomed to chronic alcoholism, perpetual adolescence and death by syphilis." "(LAUGHS)" "He probably sits around all day drinking Tom Collins and just performing acts of mental masturbation." "That is such an unfair generalisation." "He's not like that!" "For your information, he is writing a novel." "Ohh!" "Aren't we all?" "(ELEVATOR DINGS)" "So I'm thinking about taking it to the next level with Beatrice and actually asking her out to dinner tonight." "Hmm, bad move." "Why?" "You just saw her last night." "You don't wanna crowd her and make her think you're too eager." "Definitely wait." "How long?" "I don't know, Dylan." "A day at least." "Really?" "Yeah, really." "(ELEVATOR DINGS)" "Beatrice." "(AEROPLANE BUZZES OVERHEAD)" "Yes, that's my plane." "I never understood why someone would want to be a vegetarian." "I mean, do you really love animals that much?" "No, no, no, I just hate plants." "(CHUCKLES)" "You eat fish, though, right?" "Why?" "All the vegetarians eat fish." "Well, I'm a Pisces." "What's that got to do with it?" "I don't eat my own kind." "Beatrice, tell me, what is it like being a model, all those people staring at you?" "It's like any other job innocuous and demoralising." "But it pays well." "I'm serious." "Tell me about yourself." "All I know is that you do frequent the subway and you read Victorian and pre-Victorian literature, right?" "Come on." "I wanna know..." "I wanna know your fears." "I'd like to know your hopes." "I wanna know political ideologies and sexual preference." "I don't care what order." "That's a lot of information for a first date." "That's true." "How about you?" "What is like being born with the proverbial silver spoon?" "Alright." "Well, you know, it's like any other job." "It's innocuous and demoralising, but pays really well." "Beatrice was different." "As their conversation continued, the two spoke of French cinema and classic literature." "He tried to be witty, to make her laugh and for a moment she resembled a statue, a bust of an Aphrodite that he could only remember its gentle eyes but not where the statue itself had been." "Shall we go have a cigarette?" "Oh, OK, yeah." "Conrad often became attached to the idea of something and not to the actual thing itself." "So what is your novel about?" "I'm not so sure." "I'm still figuring that part out." "I want you to try this." "Why?" "What is it?" "This is..." "It's a Valmont Executive." "It is my family's brand." "It's only the rarest and most exquisite cigarette in existence." "That is pretty great, isn't it?" "It sort of tastes like any other cigarette." "What about the smell, right?" "The smell?" "It smells like any other too." "I mean, maybe I'm missing... something." "You don't get it." "You just don't get it." "I'm gonna take two, then." "Oh, that's good." "That's healthy." "As the day wore on," "Beatrice was playing hard to get." "Conrad's pseudo-intellectual banter was wearing thin and so he decided to proceed to plan B get her drunk." "I know you don't drink, but they make an incredible Tom Collins, OK?" "How often do you come here?" "Uh, every once in a while." "WOMAN:" "Here you go, Mr. Valmont." "Lucky." "Cheers." "Cheers." "(BAND PLAYS FUNKY, LAIDBACK MUSIC)" "It's weird how nobody dances anymore, you know?" "That's funny coming from someone who's not dancing." "(MUSIC STOPS)" "I don't dance." "(UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC)" "(MUSIC CONTINUES)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "(CONRAD EXHALES)" "You know, you're nothing like Dylan described." "Why?" "What did he say?" "He said you were self-inhibited and that you didn't drink." "(LAUGHS) Well, a woman can wear many hats." "Oh, yeah?" "What does that mean?" "It means a woman can be inhibited and conservative with one man and virtually the opposite with another." "Boy, even socialist regimes wait until their demise before they admit such insincerity." "Well, I'm not a socialist regime." "I'm a woman." "You play that thing?" "A little bit." "Can you play me a song?" "No." "Come on." "Please." "Uh-uh." "Sorry." "Beatrice!" "I'm not in the mood." "Are you gonna make me beg?" "(LAUGHS)" "Maybe." "Come on." "Please?" "Just one." "Ahh." "Hmph." "(SIGHS)" "(PLAYS MELLIFLUOUS JAZZ TUNE)" "(TUNE CONTINUES)" "Beatrice loved the way Conrad walked into a room, the way he waved his hands in the air every time he heard Bach, the way he read her excerpts of Fitzgerald's short fiction before bed, the precision with which he made a Tom Collins" "and a single Windsor knot... his infallible wit and charm and the way he used words like "haberdashery"." "But most importantly" "Beatrice loved the way he looked at her." "Conrad loved the way Beatrice walked into a room, how she laughed at his jokes no matter how convoluted or juvenile they seemed, the way she bit her lip the moment before she played the piano, the softness of her skin," "the yellow in her eyes, the mole on her thigh." "But most importantly," "Conrad loved to look at her." "Unfortunately, there were still two unavoidable problems" "Dylan, and that Conrad was broke, but most importantly that he was lying concerning both." "Have you ever noticed that when people become happy they pack on a few extra pounds?" "What are you trying to say?" "No, no, no, no." "Nothing about you, angel." "No, no." "I'm just..." "I'm making an observation." "Oh, are you saying that all fat people are happy?" "Not at all." "No." "I'm merely stating that there are two categories of fat people." "There is happy fat and there is... just fat." "(LAUGHS)" "No, no, no!" "Please!" "Just give me a little space." "I am trying to cook, you know?" "It's not natural." "Hey, that water's brown." "That can't be healthy." "That's how I like it." "Really?" "Yeah." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Want me to get that?" "Nope." "Well, how am I supposed to wash my hands?" "There's egg all over them." "Hello." "Hey, Dylan." "Uhh, no, not doing anything." "Oh, tonight?" "Uhh..." "Ohh." "Yeah, can you hang on one second?" "He wants to take me to the theatre tonight and he wants me to bring a date for you." "I'm not that good of a liar." "I sincerely doubt that." "No, I'm sorry." "We can't..." "I..." "I can't." "You did?" "Oh, that's so nice of you." "OK, well, then, I'll see you at seven." "OK, 'bye." "There's nothing I could do." "This is a bad idea." "BERNARD:" "I don't understand why you and Dylan always have to get into these prepubescent competitions of which he always loses." "I resent that." "You know I make a conscious effort to stay out of all forms of competition with him." "Well, your track record proves otherwise." "Well..." "This girl's important." "Let me know if there's anything I can..." "I can do." "Have you heard anything?" "I can't get anyone to return my calls." "Rumours." "Just rumours." "I don't wanna get into details, but I've only got 36 hours of clean underwear left." "I've got no idea what to do, you know?" "I feel like Napoleon after Waterloo, dying in exile on the coast of St Helena." "You're gonna be alright, Connie." "You think?" "I promise you." "You're gonna be alright." "Alright." "(WHIMPERS)" "(PHONE RINGS) Listen." "I need to take the antiques!" "You don't need to do anything!" "They were in my family!" "They belong to me." "Your family?" "Your family?" "That desk was from Marie Antoinette!" "Oh, please!" "It's a fake!" "Yes. it was!" "WOMAN ON PHONE:" "I'm sorry, sir." "No one picked up." "Is there another number you'd like to try?" "Um..." "No, no." "That's OK." "That's fine." "Thank you." "I think it's a pretty good pairing over there." "Mm-hm." "She's very, uh, opinionated and judgemental." "Yeah. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) (CHUCKLES)" "I told you this was a bad idea." "Shut up." "Shut up." "(CHOPIN'S NOCTURNE Op. 9 No.2)" "(SPEAKS FRENCH)" "(SLAMS DOOR) Well, then, tell me about him!" "(MAN STAMMERS) Seriously?" "Yes, seriously!" "Of course!" "Here I am." "I'm listening." "MAN:" "Is... is this a joke?" "WOMAN:" "What a pitiful advocate you are." "Speak whether it's a joke or not!" "Uhh, why are you looking all around the room like that?" "Oh, you... you really are in a temper!" "I wish to take a lover, Octave, or if not a lover at least a cavalier." "Whom do you suggest?" "I shall abide by your choice." "From tomorrow... from this evening, whoever has a fancy to sing beneath my window will find my door ajar." "Well..." "Well?" "!" "Nothing to say?" "Marry me!" "(APPLAUSE)" "(SIGHS)" "Sure don't like the way you were looking at Dylan tonight." "I am not doing anything!" "OK, maybe it's me, but I don't know." "Just stop it." "I don't know." "I didn't even understand any of the Parisian speak." "I think they were Canadian." "MAN:" "Bonsoir, Monsieur Valmont." "Hello, Didier." "Your usual table is waiting." "Great." "Thank you." "Uh, will you be paying tonight or putting it on the books?" "It will be on the books." "And that goes for the whole table, so..." "Ahh, very well." "Please, right this way." "Shall we?" "It's just down here." "S'il vous plaît." "Bonsoir." "Yes." "(CLICKS)" "It's just a little bit." "I'll just have a little." "What did you think?" "I don't know." "I felt that it was sort of pretentious." "It seemed like everyone who was in the theatre was just there to be seen." "There to be seen?" "It was a theatre." "It was pitch black in there." "(SIGHS) How am I supposed to care about a group of over-privileged affluent types who go gallivanting around without any sort of a moral compass?" "The affluent have plenty of problems." "I'm a mess." "I'm sorry, but I'm very sensitive to an audience's reaction and I couldn't get into it." "If they all jumped off a bridge, would you join them?" "I hate that analogy." "I really do." "But maybe." "Maybe there's a reason why they're all doing that." "Maybe the bridge is about to explode and no one told me." "That's a good point." "I'm just..." "How am I supposed to sympathise with these characters?" "No one suffers any consequences for their actions, no one learns anything and nobody changes." "It was a satire." "I didn't get that at all." "I love this place." "It's so chic." "DYLAN:" "Wait." "I thought you said that the door policy was discriminatory and this place was insipid." "Oh, I did say that, but that was before I came inside." "Uh-huh." "I'm gonna go." "Count to five and then follow me." "JOCELYN:" "Ooh!" "(COUGHS) Are you wearing perfume?" "DYLAN:" "Excuse me?" "JOCELYN:" "Don't you feel a bit strange about being an artist in a world that's already so full of art?" "Isn't that sort of a waste?" "DYLAN:" "I forget." "What do you do?" "(LAUGHS) I'm getting a doctorate at Columbia is postmodern criticism." "For me, I think that people who are creative are really just indulgent." "There's already so much." "We don't need any more." "And there are so many people who are without, you know?" "You should... just be a farmer." "CONRAD:" "You can always tell what someone thinks of you by who they set you up with." "(CHUCKLES)" "The only reason that I'm dancing with you is because I'm incredibly drunk." "I despise you and everything that you stand for." "Where are Conrad and Beatrice?" "I don't know." "Do you wanna get another drink?" "(SLURPS)" "You're a bit of a philistine, aren't you?" "I'm sorry." "Wait." "Tell me your name again." "Jocelyn." "Are you kidding me?" "I just got out of a three-year relationship with a Jocelyn." "Do you wanna sleep over?" "Mm, your place or mine?" "I live in a dorm." "Definitely mine." "(WHISTLES) Ooh!" "(SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC)" "CONRAD:" "You know, I realised something the other day." "Usually the women that I like as human beings," "I'm not sexually attracted to and the ones that I'm sexually attracted to" "I don't particularly like as human beings." "On the rare occasion when one of them falls into both categories they usually have a boyfriend or a husband." "What are you trying to say?" "I'm trying to say..." "What I'm trying to say is it's great that you don't have a boyfriend." "Oh, but I am married." "Is that a problem?" "You're a cheater, though." "Right?" "Oh, yeah." "(ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES)" "(CLOCK TICKS)" "(INHALES AND EXHALES HEAVILY)" "I gotta tell Dylan." "(MURMURS HAPPILY)" "(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)" "I've gotta tell him, right?" "I mean, tell him." "Just tell him right out and you just... just let him know." "You just tell him." "Gotta tell him." "You gotta tell him." "Gotta tell him." "You gotta tell him." "Oh, God." "This was it." "This was the moment Conrad would right his wrongs." "DYLAN:" "Hey." "This was the moment he would bare his soul to his only friend..." "What's going on?" "And tell him of his betrayal." "This was the moment Conrad would ask for forgiveness." "Nothing." "Nothing." "Nothing at all." "What?" "Does something seem like it's going on?" "Yeah, it seemed like you were about to say something." "No." "Uh-uh." "No, no, not at all." "Where's the friend?" "Oh, you mean Jocelyn?" "No, the friend." "Yeah, the friend's name is Jocelyn." "Oh, really?" "Ironic." "Yeah." "I don't wanna talk about it." "Didn't have sex with her, huh?" "No, I didn't have sex with her." "I had to talk to her all night." "She only left half an hour ago." "It was horrible." "(PHONE RINGS)" "So, what happened last night?" "JOCELYN:" "What happened was that it was amazing and we talked until the sun came up!" "That's amazing!" "(SHORT PIANO PRELUDE)" "DYLAN:" "I have something I have to ask you." "Yes." "Are you sleeping with Beatrice?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh..." "No." "Ohh..." "No." "Good." "Good man." "There's something I'd like to ask you." "May I sleep with Beatrice?" "Definitely not." "No." "I've got something I'd like to tell you." "What is it now?" "Beatrice and I are already together." "Hey, Dylan, Dylan!" "Easy, easy!" "I'll fucking kill you!" "Now, as we ease into adulthood sometimes a good stiff drink is the only excuse we have for committing the atrocities we really want to." ""Ease into adulthood"?" "We're nearly 40!" "Careful." "I said I was sorry, OK?" "I was gonna..." "You're a selfish asshole." "Now, hang on." "Selfish?" "Dylan, you're the one that's selfish." "I might actually have a shot with her, OK?" "She could be... the one." "(SCOFFS) "The one"!" "What are you, 14?" "It's not charming anymore, Conrad." "I need you to sleep somewhere else tonight." "You're kicking me out?" "And you realise by kicking me out I'll probably move in with Beatrice?" "Sometimes you're your own worst enemy." "Conrad's ability to trust had been marred by years of betrayal and deceit for others had only dated or befriended him to gain access to his wealth." "He had been quoted on numerous occasions as saying that no one could be trusted." "What he forgot to add was that included himself." "Well, I feel very, very conflicted." "I like the idea of living up at the summer home." "You know, upstate, life of a reclusive writer." "I really do." "But I'm allergic to the grass, the clean air, the bees, the ticks, the badgers, a bunch of wildlife." "What are you trying to say, Conrad?" "I am gonna move in with Beatrice." "Ohh!" "Oh, that's great news." "Thank you." "Does she know that you're broke and have no place else to go?" "Huh!" "Of..." "Yes." "Don't you feel guilty about Dylan?" "Obviously." "But, you know, this is actually a very small city and if you meet an attractive girl, the chances are great that one of your friends has already slept with her or wants to." "(SCOFFS) You're lying to yourself, Conrad." "I know." "I'm OK with it." "Ding-dong!" "(PRESSES BUZZER)" "Hi." "Bonjour, Mon amour." "What's going on?" "I'm moving in." "What happened to Dylan's?" "I was allergic to his sheets Egyptian cotton." "I have Egyptian cotton." "Well, we'll have to do something about that." "(CONRAD SIGHS)" "I think I'm in love with you." "How?" "It's only been two days." "Then I'm in love with the idea of you." "Not the actual me?" "Well, the idea of someone's always better." "You can't have sex with an idea." "(CHEERFUL MUSIC)" "I'm telling you, don't put a scratch on it." "I won't." "Your father is going to kill me." "She's waiting." "(MUSIC CONTINUES)" "Come on!" "(BEATRICE SQUEALS)" "CONRAD:" "OK." "Look alive." "Oh, there it is." "Yeah?" "What do you see there?" "Well, I mean, it's obvious, kind of." "Right." "(SIGHS) Explosive." "It's explosive." "A car, right?" "Do you see the..." "You see just the headlights?" "It's a female orgasm." "I think it's kind of clear." "I didn't..." "That the driver is having?" "(BEATRICE LAUGHS)" "What's wrong?" "Um... nothing." "(SINGLE PIANO NOTE PLAYS)" "(CONTINUES TO PLAY SAME NOTE, THEN STOPS)" "Sitting at Beatrice's piano, Conrad quietly read Dylan's note." ""In lieu of unnecessary explanations,"" ""please enjoy this Volvo."" "Conrad began to feel an odd sensation one of guilt." "He had never felt the emotion before." "I think I have a brain tumour." "What?" "Nothing." "(WATER SPLASHES)" "Mmm." "I'm not..." "I'm not in the mood." "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "(CLEARS THROAT) You're never in the mood anymore." "We had sex last night." "Yeah." "You seemed a little distant." "Oh, we're just going through a dry spell." "Dry spell?" "CONRAD:" "That's all." "It's only been a week." "Watching Beatrice as she delicately played the piano," "Conrad felt horrible for his ceaseless deception." "For a moment, he contemplated admitting his impoverishment." "Then the moment passed." "(CONTINUES TO PLAY)" "I mean, how can I be with someone that doesn't appreciate Bach or a Valmont?" "(CHUCKLES) This is a classic story, Conrad. "Pygmalion"." "Have you even read "Pygmalion"?" "This has nothing to do with "Pygmalion"." "You should revisit that." "Or get the notes or I'll read it to you." "I've seen "My Fair Lady"." "PHOTOGRAPHER:" "OK, Beatrice, stop right there." "Don't move." "OK." "Don't move." "Like that." "(CAMERA CLICKS) Beautiful, you're beautiful." "Tu es magnifique, tu es splendide." "Ne bouge pas!" "Ne bouge pas!" "Regarde-moi." "Give me love." "Give me love." "Voilà." "Comme ça." "Do you love me?" "Smile." "Ah." "Voilà." "You love me?" "You love me?" "OK, show me." "Show me." "Show me you love me." "Show me." "OK!" "Love!" "Hate!" "Now." "Like that." "Beautiful, beautiful." "Love." "Hate." "Love." "Voilà!" "Encore une." "One more." "Chapter One." "Greece was a place he'd visited many times in his mind." "But on this day..." "Jumping forward." "Chapter three." "Chapter four." "So how long are they going to be remodelling the Valmont?" "Ah... a couple of months maybe." "What?" "I think." "Sometimes they take a couple of months." "You said weeks." "Well..." "Oh." "Hey." "I got your gift." "Hey." "Mmm." "Well, as good as it is to bump into you guys, I have to go." "I've got my opening tonight." "What part of town's that in?" "Whitman Gallery." "Maybe we'll see you there." "Don't know if I..." "Time." "Who's that girl?" "Jocelyn." "That's not Jocelyn." "Ah, no." "The... the other Jocelyn." "(WHISTLES)" "Let's get in this car." "Come on." "(AIR ON THE G STRING BY BACH PLAYS)" "I gotta go." "(FAINT LAUGHTER)" "(SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)" "(LAUGHS)" "Conrad had often professed that he led a "life of the mind"." "Unfortunately for him, his mind had been damaged by years of abandonment, philandering, Tom Collins, and a two-pack-per-day nicotine habit, not to mention an unhealthy Oedipal complex." "The weight of his guilt had finally become too heavy." "The incessant charade could go on no longer." "What's wrong?" "Where were you?" "You left me in the concert." "You stayed, huh?" "Actually, I did." "It was beautiful." "We're out of cigarettes." "(FAST PACED DRUM MUSIC)" "Where are we going?" "To the Valmont." "Why are we hiding behind the bushes?" "I want you to follow me on the count of three." "Ready?" "Go!" "BEATRICE:" "What?" "Mmm." "Hi, Timothy." "Fredrick." "I don't believe you're supposed to..." "Mr. Valmont?" "Mr. Valmont?" "Mr. Valmont!" "Stop them!" "(LIFT DINGS) (SIGHS)" "What is going on?" "This is crazy." "I know." "Isn't it fun?" "Where are we going?" "What?" "Why are we...?" "CONRAD:" "Shhhh!" "(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)" "CONRAD:" "Come on!" "(DOOR SLAMS)" "BEATRICE:" "Please turn on the lights." "What is happening?" "CONRAD:" "It's a game." "Hey, if you see my mother's jewels, get those." "BEATRICE:" "What?" "No, we should not do that." "Yeah, we should." "(OBJECTS RATTLE)" "Huh?" "I showed her, that washed-up debutante." "(LIFT DINGS)" "(SIGHS)" "Shit." "Really, really good work, Timothy." "It's Fredrick, sir." "Yes, Fredrick." "Sorry." "No, I think you lot are really picking up the pace." "You know where to return Mother's jewels, right?" "That's the penthouse, the East Wing, the Rhodesian cabinet, third drawer." "I've got my cigarettes." "(LOWERS HIS VOICE) Please tell Bernard that I'm very sorry." "I'll be right there, honey." "BEATRICE:" "What was all that about?" "CONRAD:" "I'm not sure I even know anymore." "Conrad, what is going on?" "You know, Beatrice," "I only moved in with you because I've got no place else to go." "OK, I'm broke." "What do you mean?" "I have nothing." "I was kicked out of the Valmont, parents cut me off." "Conrad, you're nearly 40 years old." "Well, that's completely irrelevant." "I've got separation anxiety, abandonment issues." "Are you saying you've been lying to me this entire time?" "Yes, but I'm not the only liar." "I saw you with Dylan earlier today." "What?" "You've been following me now?" "I..." "I was trying to patch things up between you." "God, grow up." "You are not honest with yourself." "That's your problem." "OK, you're always acting so virtuous." "You're always talking about how you want to be a bohemian musician." "In the end, you're just a model." "Well, at least I have a job." "You have just managed to coast through life without worrying about money or anything else pertaining to reality." "You are just a philandering narcissist who's so afraid of being alone because when you are alone, you're gonna realise how empty your life is." "You know what?" "I should've gone with Dylan." "Between the two of you, he was the nice one." "You are insufferable." "Didn't seem to bother you when I was flipping the bill." "Alright, you're just like the rest of them." "You were only with me for the money." "I am the only girl you have ever been with who wasn't just in it for the money." "And besides, you were broke." "Well... you didn't know that, so..." "(ELEGANT PIANO MUSIC)" "(HORN HONKS) (TYRES SCREECH)" "Staring into the grille of a bread truck," "Conrad couldn't help but think of the poor woman who had been diagnosed with Witzelsucht, the joking disease." "In a daze, he suddenly began to speak fluent German, though he had never studied the language." "(SPEAKS GERMAN)" "He promptly lost consciousness." "(SIGHS)" "(SIREN WAILS)" "Where does it hurt?" "Ah... (SPEAKS GERMAN)" "Conrad's worst fear had come true." "He was all alone." "(PHONE DIAL TONE)" "Hello." "WOMAN:" "Who is this?" "It's your son, Conrad." "Hi." "WOMAN:" "Oh, Connie." "Where are you?" "What's that noise?" "(INDISTINCT RATTLING)" "WOMAN:" "Can't you see I'm preoccupied?" "(SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "When are you coming home?" "WOMAN:" "I don't know, darling." "Divorces of this stature can take some time." "(CONTINUES TO SHOUT IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "How long, do you think?" "Look, I..." "I have to go." "(CALL DISCONNECTS)" "Maybe this won't blow over." "MAN:" "I just saw the most amazing performance piece where a husband and wife tied themselves together with a 10-foot rope for an entire year." "It was a commentary on the modern relationship." "DYLAN:" "That is the most beautiful metaphor I've ever heard." "What happened to them?" "They got a divorce." "Hmm." "CONRAD:" "I heard you met with Beatrice earlier." "DYLAN:" "She was trying to get me to do what we're doing right now." "CONRAD:" "Yeah." "Dylan, I guess you were right." "DYLAN:" "About what?" "Sometimes I am my own worst enemy." "(DYLAN SIGHS)" "What happened to your face?" "I got hit by a truck." "Mmm." "Zeus is dead." ""You could fetter my leg,"" ""but Zeus himself cannot get the better of my free will."" "Hear, hear." "And I want my Volvo back." "That was just a joke." "How are things with Jocelyn?" "Oh, we broke up again." "This time it's for good." "I think she was stealing from me." "That's rough." "(SIGHS) How are things with Beatrice?" "Not so good." "DYLAN:" "No?" "Well, it's not a surprise considering what an asshole you are." "I resent that." "Well, you should." "It was an insult." "You're not still mad at me, are you?" "Not at all." "Maybe a little." "I really thought Beatrice and I were gonna last." "What is it?" "Hi." "WOMAN:" "Hi." "Now, you two seem like fans of literature." "I have got a very impressive library at my apartment." "WOMAN:" "Really?" "Mm-hm." "You wanna see my Balzac collection?" "You sure you don't wanna do anything?" "No, I can't, sorry." "It would be a misrepresentation of how I feel inside." "I..." "I don't even know what that means." "Well, that's exactly the problem." "You can, um, keep the Volvo." "(PHONE RINGS)" "Beatrice, it's Conrad." "Give me a call." "Call me back." "(DREAMY MUSIC)" "DOCTOR:" "What do you see, Conrad?" "CONRAD:" "Sex." "And now?" "Beatrice." "I mean, sex." "I mean, wait, Beatrice." "Now?" "Sex." "This isn't healthy, Conrad." "I know that." "Meanwhile, Beatrice visited her Upper West Side mystic in an attempt to find similar answers to her quandary." "Unfortunately, her prospects were less than ideal." "CONRAD:" "I mean, I've only just moved in, she's already kicked me out." "I don't know." "I don't know what to do. (SIGHS)" "DOCTOR:" "Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the ones we love." "This literary moral code of yours is completely unrealistic." "This isn't a Jane Austen novel, and I'm certainly not Emily Post." "(LAUGHS) You have the moral code of a Bolshevik, Conrad." "I mean, I'm..." "I'm having an existential crisis here." "I can't stop thinking about her." "I think I need to see a doctor." "(DOORBELL BUZZES)" "DOCTOR:" "Conrad, I am a doctor." "Beatrice?" "Beatrice?" "Note to self." "Upon a second reading, my analyst was correct." "It has EVERYTHING to do with "Pygmalion"" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "CONRAD:" "Dylan, wake up." "What?" "What is it?" "I need Jocelyn's phone number." "CAMERAMAN:" "Allez, Beatrice." "Regarde-moi." "Regarde-moi." "Voilà." "Comme ga." "Magnifique." "Tu es belle, tu es belle." "Petit oiseau." "Ah, voila." "Love." "Hate!" "Stop!" "Don't move." "Voilà." "Superbe." "Superbe." "Splendide." "Encore une, encore une." "Une derniére pour la route." "(AIR ON THE G STRING BY BACH PLAYS)" "(CHUCKLES) OK, let's..." "let's take a break." "Hmm?" "Hi." "What happened to your head?" "I got hit by a truck." "Yeah." "I like this music selection." "Whose is it?" "What are you doing here?" "I'm quitting." "The whole act." "Well, it wasn't the act that bothered me." "It was the cover-up." "Well, the act was the cover-up." "I have to go back to work." "Can I have one hour?" "I just need one hour." "OK." "One hour." "CONRAD:" "Yeah." "Thanks." "I'll be right here." "(KEYS JINGLE, DOOR OPENS)" "I hate surprises." "You're gonna like this one." "I don't understand." "CONRAD:" "It's for both of us." "Don't get too excited." "It's just a rental." "You didn't?" "CONRAD:" "I did." "How?" "There's no leaks in the ceiling." "(DOOR SQUEAKS) CONRAD:" "Got his-and-her bathrooms." "This water is not brown." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "So did you actually go to the Picasso retrospective last week?" "WOMAN:" "It was horrid." "MAN:" "I know." "I'm sorry, but I find his work pretentious and adolescent." "You know, if people just sort of take a step back..." "Do you ever notice that the people who make fun of people for being pretentious are usually the pretentious ones?" "MAN:" "It's just Duchamp but without the wit." "(WOMAN LAUGHS)" "You ever noticed how people only lash out on others because they're afraid of what they see because they see themselves?" "What if I tell you "I love you"?" "Does that mean I actually love myself?" "Exactly." "I love you." "I love you too." "It was at that moment Conrad and Beatrice knew that it was over." "Beatrice couldn't help but feel sympathy for Conrad." "Not love but sympathy." "One can often get confused for the other." "As the two exited the station, they waved goodbye to one another as usual." "It would be the last time they would ever see each other." "(MOONLIGHT BECOMES YOU BY CHET BAKER PLAYS)" "It seemed there was an unavoidable distinction between Conrad and Beatrice that had rendered them incompatible." "She was a hopeless romantic, and he was romantically hopeless." "By the week's end, Conrad had received a telegram informing him of his parents' reconciliation." "Their week-long divorce had grown tiresome, and they were to return home in two days time." "As much as Beatrice had tried, she was unable to forget Conrad's actions." "(SIGHS)" "Note to self." "See doctor about possible brain tumour." "Conrad went on to keep the empty apartment as a sort of metaphor for the void left by Beatrice." "He told no one of its existence." "It wasn't till years later that Conrad would realise love was just like communism - it was a great idea but never quite worked out." "Conrad may have told others that he was in search of a girlfriend, a future wife, but it was merely rhetoric." "Conrad's search was for an idyllic beauty he would never attain." "Conrad often became attached to the idea of something and not the actual thing itself." "Back in the Valmont with his credit cards once again active," "Conrad resumed the life he was accustomed to living." "But something was different." "CONRAD:" "Like this one right there." "Get that one." "I missed it." "OK, why the hell are we fishing with spears?" "(MUSICIANS PLAY AIR ON THE G STRING)" "What's wrong?" "It's been a long week." "With the matriarch of the Valmont household once again home," "Conrad was able to let out a decade of emotions and fears for she had long been the only person that he would truly confide in." "I think there's something wrong with me." "In an attempt to change his ways..." "Ding-dong." "Conrad started down the road to redemption with the simple gesture of quitting cigarettes, of getting his father's Austin-Healey out of hock, and on one spring afternoon while Dylan was out," "Conrad snuck into his friend's apartment to finally repay him." "He not only monetarily compensated Dylan for his loan but also included the keys to his Volvo and an inflation-adjusted interest of 20%." "These are classic symptoms." "I think you're a closet agoraphobic." "(KNOCKS ON DOOR) I'm terminating our sessions." "Conrad, can we talk about this later?" "I'm in the middle of a session." "CONRAD:" "I don't care." "I'm getting worse." "Beatrice broke up with me, and I got hit by a truck." "Look at me, I'm a mess." "Why do you think that is?" "Your bad advice." "Conrad, I've been your therapist since you were nine years old." "Indeed..." "I think it's all that bad advice that made me the bad person I am today." "It's going to take a very long time to recover from this." "Farewell." "(DOOR SLAMS)" "Perhaps he had the wrong office." "(LAUGHS)" "CONRAD:" "Hypothetically speaking, do you think someone could have a Napoleonic complex without being particularly short?" "I don't believe so." "What would you call this hypothetical person then?" "An egoist?" "Egoist." "I think I'm an egoist." "I've never told you this before, but... you're a horrible writer." "I know." "After several years of deliberation and public speculation," "Conrad had finally finished his sophomore effort." "His inability to complete the novel had simply stemmed from his lack of understanding its central character." "Of course, the central character was himself." "The book was published in the spring and received mixed reviews." ""He proceeded to wave goodbye to Abigail as if routine."" ""For he was convinced that this was not the last time"" ""that they would ever see each other."" ""Harold went on to keep the empty apartment"" ""as sort of a metaphor for the void left by Abigail."" ""He told no one of its existence."" "Thank you." "WOMAN:" "How do you respond to the criticism that your novel is inherently derivative of the works of Fitzgerald and Edith Wharton?" "Thank you." "Mr. Valmont, I'm sorry, but I found the book and the central character adolescent and his problems grossly inconsequential by modern social standards." "Don't you find his change at the end slightly contrived and, frankly, sophomoric?" "I completely disagree." "I find him quite likeable and his change rather significant." "Yes." "At a matinee performance of "Les Caprices de Marianne", the play which the once tightly knit group had all seen together," "Dylan ran into Beatrice for the first time since her split with Conrad." "This was not a coincidence, however, for each had mysteriously received a ticket two days prior." "Conrad had sent the tickets in an attempt to pay penance for his actions the previous week." "The two then went to a small bar in the West Village to speak about the play." "They both enjoyed it and had seen it with a nostalgia for their old times together." "They made love that night and have been together ever since." "Dylan finally read Jane Austen's pre-Victorian classic," ""Sense and Sensibility"." "He found it neither sentimental nor unrealistic but actually quite relatable." "Soon after their encounter outside the Hudson Playhouse," "Beatrice gave up her modelling exploits and formed a jazz ensemble with Dylan." "They achieved moderate success and were happy." "Consequently, they both put on 15 pounds." "Conrad and Dylan continued their weekly conversations over squash and, for the first time, Dylan won." "Conrad saw this as a sign of change." "Dylan, however, merely felt a sense of satisfaction." "Conrad would go on to donate a large portion of his wealth to various charities and philanthropic endeavours." "Unfortunately, it took losing everything for Conrad to finally appreciate the economic stability he once had." "He wasn't going to take it for granted this time." "CONRAD:" "I really despise the whole idea that by being over-privileged and well educated, that one has to live up to certain lofty expectations." "For one, you have to live under the proverbial shadow of said father and/or namesake." "Two, lofty expectations can only lead to failure, hmm?" "And three, more scientifically and mathematically speaking, if your parents were a great success, I think a betting man would say that the chances of lightning striking twice, especially in consecutive generations, is very slim." "You do realise you're talking to your chauffeur?" "Touché." "After the lukewarm reception of his second novel," "Conrad began to spend more time in the country to focus on the work, for it was only there that he felt at ease." "It appeared Conrad's allergies to grass and clean air had been completely psychosomatic." "He began to reflect back on his week with Beatrice and thought of the old adage," ""'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. "" "Conrad reluctantly agreed, for he still thought of Beatrice often." "At the ripe age of 42," "Conrad Valmont was finally growing up."