"Episode 1x01" " Pilot" "Everything's falling apart." "And it all starts right here in Detroit." "The headwaters of a river to failure." "Thank God my parents aren't around to watch the country they loved go to shit." "They were proud Americans." "They had normal jobs and made a normal living." "They fit in." "They weren't kicked up the ass every day of their lives by property taxes and homeowner's associations and greedy beauty queen ex-wives." "What would I tell them if they saw me now?" "That I'm not to blame?" "That it's not my fault?" "They didn't raise me that way." "They taught me to take responsibility and get the job done." "No excuses." "You do your best with whatever gifts God gave you." "Anybody know what this is?" "That's what I try to teach my kids too." "I'll give you a hint." "It's a Scarabaeinae..." "Anybody here take Latin?" "It's a dung beetle, team." "All right?" "So what does that make this?" " Dung?" " Yes, it's dung, Schenken." "But let's call it what it really is." "It's a ball of shit." "See, everywhere this little guy goes, he takes his ball of shit with him, he eats it, he sleeps with it, he talks to it at night, that's just how he's wired." "So what's the point I'm trying to make here?" " More man-to-man coverage?" " No, Jerry." "What I'm trying to say... is that unlike this beetle, we as a team cannot afford to take our dung with us." "We cannot roll it up into a ball, we cannot push it up a hill, we shouldn't eat it, we certainly better leave it behind when we get on the court tonight against the Badgers." "Shit happens." "We know that." "Rodelle's girl just broke up with him." "Pazderka dropped a 40-pounder on his foot." "One more D in chemistry, Kuzneski's ass is on the bench." ""We got heart, we got hope."" "It's not like we've been winning any games, fellows." "Just like last year, it looks like every week we're gonna get our teeth kicked in." "You okay, coach?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "All right." "So tonight, let's leave our dung in the locker room, let's pretend we're on the winning streak we're gonna start tonight, let's go out there and tear up some badger ass, come on!" " Wolves on three." "One, two, three!" " Wolves!" "Let's go, guys." "Go get 'em." "Go get 'em, Donovan." "Let's go!" "Kick some ass!" "Oh, God!" "Ray, you okay?" "Yeah, it must be my kidney stone." " I can't believe this is happening now." " Shall I call the nurse?" "No, I'll be all right, just help me up." "Jesus..." "You're right, better safe than sorry." "I'm gonna drive myself to a hospital." "You go out there and run the system." "But I don't know the system like you do." "Put up some screens, get the ball to Donovan." "You'll do great." "I'll try to be back by fourth quarter." "Go out there and kick some ass, Mike." "Okay, so I lied." "And I'm missing a game during a losing season," "I'm not proud of it." "But desperate times call for desperate measures." "You know what a public school teacher makes these days?" "Maybe we make a little more in Michigan than the national average, but what's the national average?" "More than a waiter, less than a plumber." "It's about half of what it takes to live a normal life." "So what do you do when your career pays crap?" "You do a side gig." "It used to be stocks, now eBay maybe, tutoring..." "Me?" "I've got a more unorthodox skill set." "I'm in the oldest profession in the world." "Well, I'm about to be." "This is my first day on the job." "Hey, it's been a rough couple of years." "Really rough." "It all started when Jessica slapped me with a divorce." "Twenty years, two kids..." "A real punch in the face." "I had to kick the renters out and move into my parent's house where I grew up, for Christ's sake." "Only bright spot was the twins who said they'd rather live with me." "Then came the kidney stone, that weirdly ended up in a prostate scare." "Been having any problem urinating?" "Then the Wolves' unprecedented losing streak, which every week brings me a new humiliation." "And then, this prick lawyer moved in next door." "I had already been getting grief from the homeowner's association." "But this guy was a whole new level." " Howard Koontz." " Ray Drecker." "Welcome to the neighborhood." "You sure got a swell spot." "Say, I'm having a little open house on Saturday..." "That's very nice of you, thank you." "So I was wondering if between now and then you wouldn't mind tidying up your lawn a little and maybe clean up your gutters?" "The fucker had me hit with 3 citations in the first 6 months alone." " It was nice to meet you." " You too." "Fucker." "But nothing compared to this." " Dad, wake up!" " What?" "Dad, wake up!" "Where the hell is she?" "Where is she?" " She didn't say where she was going?" " Dad, I'm sure." "Anybody seen my daughter?" "Hold on, I think this might be her." "Who's that?" " Where the hell have you been?" " Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "All right, they were able to contain the fire." "Hey, you!" "Hey, you!" "Come back here." "Who is that?" " It's Hammer." " Hammer?" "Who's Hammer?" " Just a friend." " Come on, Darb." "Any guy named Hammer is not a good idea at midnight." "And your curfew is 10:00." "What did I give you a cell phone for?" "What did we agree on?" "You always keep the ringer on," "You always answer when I call, no excuses." " What did we say?" " The battery died." "No excuses!" "Stop, she's freaking out." "All right." "All right, I'm sorry." "Let's huddle up." "Are you wearing lipstick?" "What is that?" "Answer me." "What the hell is going on around here?" "Jesus." "Hey, look, we're almost done here." "You guys really ought to get some sleep." "The insurance company'll pay for your hotel." "We got insurance, right?" "Of course we do." "We're not staying in a hotel, though." "A burned-out house is a prime target for thieves and vandals." "We're staying here." "Come on!" "We're gonna sleep right here while we rebuild." "The weather's not cold yet." "We get to be by the lake." "It's gonna be great, we're gonna fish, we're gonna cook breakfast, it's gonna be like camping, only we're at home." "You want all three of us to sleep in the tent?" "I'll tell you what, later on today, when we go shopping for clothes," "I'll be you each your own tent, how's that?" " Are you calling Mom?" " Shit, yeah, I'm calling Mom." "The fire..." "That's when I lost the kids." "What happened to my life?" "I used to be a big deal." "I used to be going somewhere." "Now all I ever seem to do is try not to drown." "When did life become something you buy?" "Say, Drecker!" "Drecker!" "You never responded to my offer." " These are tough times in real esta..." " Do you mind getting off my property?" "Just trying to do you a solid." " It's a teardown if I've ever seen one." " Fuck off, Koontz." "You know where to find me." "I needed help." "So, this pregnant lady steps into my office, she's got psoriasis..." "Dr. Ron Haxon, dermatologist." "And she says, "Doctor, my sister thinks I should try Accutane."" "Overcompensating little fucker who stole my wife." "Fucker." "Lotte Brandt." "My ex-mother-in-law." "Looks sort of naked without her breastplate and horned helmet." "What is this one doing here?" "Hi, Lotte." "Does it feel good to you to almost murder my grandchildren in your lethal house?" "No, Lotte, it wasn't a good feeling." " Why don't you just go away?" " Mom." "Mom, relax, I can handle this." " Hi, Jess." " Ray." "What are you doing here?" "Just being social." "You always say, "Stop by, say hi."" "So here I am," "I'm stopping by." "So, how are the kids holding up?" "The kids are great, they're inside playing Wii." "They're loving it here, Ray." "Don't you speak English?" " Go away." " Please." "Ray's welcome, we're just having a nice talk." "We have no troubles here." "She wasn't always like this." "He's a doctor." "He saves lives." "How many fucking lives have you fucking saved?" "A dermatologist." "Come on, Jessica." "We went to school with that guy, he's a turd." " He loves me, Ray." " I love you." "Not enough." "Put the fucking tulips back." " Fuck off, Ray, they're my bulbs." " Take the rose bushes." "He's loaded, is that it?" "You think I'm that shallow?" "Do you really think I'm that shallow?" "All right, yes, I am a little shallow." "But I am deep enough to admit it." "I'm much deeper than people think." "And I'm only shallow because I choose to be." "I am a beauty queen, Ray." "A homecoming, cheerleading, stupid ass beauty queen." "And clearly, I made the obvious choice." "Clearly, I was stupid enough to have completely bought into it." "What are you talking about?" "God, you were magical." "In high school, you were a king." "You were beautiful and athletic... and talented and smart and popular." "And hung." "What am I now, Jessica?" "What am I now?" "Now you're just hung." "So, Ray, is there a reason..." "Is there something that you need?" "I..." "Look, this is hard for me, okay?" "I've never asked you for anything before." "I just need to..." "I need to borrow some money, okay?" "Oh, my God, you're kidding." "That's why you came?" "What, they hiked your property taxes or something?" "That and this fire thing is really putting me in a bit of a financial hole." "Ladies." "Enjoy." " Did you talk to your claims adjuster?" " See, that's the thing." "There's been some sort of a mixup." " You didn't let it lapse again?" " I mean, sort of." "I had the envelope right here, on the desk, ready to go out." "Jesus, Ray." "Hey there, Coach Ray." "Hey, Ronnie." " How's the skin trade?" " I can't complain." "I heard about your place, man." "That's tough." "Yeah, thanks." "I'm getting by." "Just, you know, that house will be better than ever once I make the repairs." "Glad to hear it." "Just good to hear it." "Hey, Ray, you might want to have that mole removed." "You know, just to be safe." "Drop by the office anytime." "Don't worry, free of charge." "Good to see you, Ray." "I'm already screwed with the property taxes." "Now I've got to find a way to fix the house before the city slaps me with more citations." "Plus I've got this jerkoff, this Koontz sniffing around trying to get me to sell." "And cheap too." "Sell!" "Sell the goddamn place, Ray." " You should have sold it years ago." " I'm not selling my parent's house." "It's where I grew up." "Look..." "What I'm saying is," "I've got my back against the wall here, okay?" "I'm in the Alamo." "I'm not asking for a handout." "I'm asking for a loan, you know, to tide me over." "I mean, if it was just me, shit, I wouldn't bother." " But I've got the kids to take care of." " You don't." "I've got the kids." " Well, until I fix the house." " No, for good." "They're gonna come back to me, Jessica." "I'm more fun and relaxed." "You're too uptight." "Having more fun with you almost got them killed." "All right, forget I asked." "Just forget it." "Just wipe it out of your mind." "Excuse me." "Is this "unleash your inner entrepreneur"?" "It is if you want it to be." "I'm going to tell you a secret right now." "It's you." "The secret is in you." "Each one of you has already proven that fact just by coming here tonight and you are about to become a millionaire." "Repeat after me..." "I'm going to be a millionaire." "I'm going to be..." "I don't believe you at all." "Come on, we can do better than that." "I'm going to be a millionaire." "I'm going to be a millionaire." "Hold it, hold it." "A million isn't what it used to be, huh?" "Let's kick it up a notch." "I'm going to be a multimillionaire." "I'm going to be a multimillionaire." "Thank you." "Sorry, I just..." "I couldn't find the room." "Do you want to be a multimillionaire?" "Because we all do." "Tell her, class." "We're going to be multimillionaires." " Welcome." " Thanks." "Shit, what's her name again?" "Tanya Skagle." "The poet." ""Night musket." ""The smell of fear thick in the air." ""In the revolutionary sky..."" "The district had a program a couple years ago..." "A grant." "You could get these so-called local poets to come to your class." "Any subject, any time." "I mean, these people were available." "So whenever you couldn't get your lesson plan figured out in time you'd just call in a poet." "That was lovely, Axel." "If this were English class we could discuss rhythm and meter, but for the purposes of history class, I really feel like you captured the feelings of the common man fighting for a dream." "Comments, anyone?" "I should've known better than to accept her invitation for tea." "Oh my God." "Oh God, Ray." "Oh my God, you're so big." "The patchouli oil alone should've sent me running." "Not to mention veganism and all the yakking and the coming that had no beginning and no end." "I never called her again." "It could be a talent or a gift or an idea for a product." "But the word I like to use is tool." "Something that helps you get that very special job done." "So for next week, your first task is to identify your own tool." "Then the following week we will begin to discuss how to market it." "Everybody has at least one, so no excuses." "Ray." "Tanya, how are you?" "Haven't seen you around in a while." " Oh yeah, the grant ran out." " I heard, yeah." "No more poets in schools." "I feel so bad for the kids, all the cutbacks." "So you want to get some coffee?" "Maybe some tea." "Oh, your dick is so big!" "Oh my God!" "Ray, you're so big!" "Oh my God!" "I love this one." ""There is some kiss we want with our whole lives," ""the touch of spirit on the body." ""Seawater begs the pearl to break its shell." ""And the lily, how passionately it needs some wild darling."" "I love that, "some wild darling."" ""At night I open the window and ask the moon" ""to come and press its face against mine." ""Breathe into me." "Close the language door."" "That's the mouth, the language door." ""And open the love window." Those are the eyes." ""The moon won't use the door, only the window."" "Rumi, 13th century." "Look, I've got to take off." "So is that your thing?" "Is what my thing?" "You know, Ray." "Being cold and distant after sex." "What you're talking about?" "I'm not cold." "I'm just a little preoccupied." "Okay, Ray, whatever." "Just go." "I don't know why I sleep with people like you." "You know nothing about my life." "You have no interest in getting to know me." "You seem to have the emotional range of a fucking 12-year-old." "Look, Tanya," "I got a lot going on in my life right now." "I don't have the energy for games." "If you really wanted to get to know me, you wouldn't have hopped in the sack so easily." "Twice." "What, so now I'm a slut?" "No, but don't bring a guy home 'cause you're horny and then act all wounded and mystified when he doesn't stick around." "You liked what you had the first time." "You wanted it again, fine." "Just don't fool yourself into some romantic fantasy." "I liked what I had the first time?" "Unless I'm deaf." "Wait, what is that supposed to mean?" "I think you know what I'm referring to." "No, Ray." "Why don't you enlighten me?" "Well, you know, you tend to come a lot." "I'm not saying it's a bad thing." "I'm not calling you a leper." " You think I come too much?" " No." "Of course not." "I'm just saying..." "I don't even know why..." "I'm just saying it's a lot." "It's not like you're some genius in bed." "Is that what you're getting at?" "No, I'm not getting at that." "I mean, okay, so you have a big dick." "I mean, whoopee." "It's not the first time I've heard the news, Tanya." "Oh my God." "You're an egotistical asshole." "I need to change my sheets." "You know, Ray, if you think that I was only interested in you because of your big penis, then all I feel is sorry for you." "I really really do." "Big penis." "What do you want, a parade?" "I'll see you in class." "What an asshole!" "Here's an idea." "You want to be a millionaire?" "Why don't you go market your dick?" "She definitely meant it as an insult, but somehow" "I couldn't get the idea out of my head." "Hey, Dad." "Knock knock." "Jeez, look who showed up." "I didn't hear you coming." " It's the damester." " Are you drunk?" "I'm doing a little research on roof repair." "What you doing?" "I was just on my way back from Milo's house." "I thought I'd check up on you and see how the camping was going." " So have a seat, buddy." " No, it's fine." "Thanks." "I was wondering, though..." "Can I have 50 bucks?" "50 bucks?" "Godhead tickets are going on sale and a bunch of us are gonna go camp out in line." "What is Godhead anyway?" "Is it one of your gothic overlords or something?" "It's goth, Dad." "Gothic is from the middle ages." "This is goth." "So you can camp out for Godhead but not your old man?" " I knew you'd say no." " What's that on your fingernails?" "Nothing, Dad." "It's kind of like a look, okay?" "I've been meaning to talk with you about that." "Look, if you're attracted to..." "You know, the lipstick, the nail thing, we should discuss it." "There's nothing to discuss." "Forget it." "I've got to go." "Hey, Damon, times are tough." "And your mother and I give you an allowance, you know." "I've lived a long life." "People are always asking me for my advice." ""Ed, my kid's on dope." "What do I do?"" ""Ed, my wife's stepping out on me." "What do I tell her?"" "Et cetera, et cetera." "Well, I've been helping people out for a long time now and I got to thinking maybe that's my thing." "I could take an ad out in the newspaper that says," ""Ed Phipps, unlicensed therapist." ""No nonsense advice from the guy who's seen it all."" "Then I'd charge by the hour instead of giving it away for free." "Like a consultant." "Good idea, Ed." "I can see you're off to a crackerjack start." "Who's next?" "Well, I'm a poet, so what I'm good with are words." "Some people don't value words as much as I do." "Some people don't put stock in them and they can be casually cruel with them." "Some people can be very cruel." "But I'd like to think most people are better than that." "What is your idea, Tanya?" "Lyric bread." "Using the fortune cookie as my inspiratn," "I plan to create and market a line of baked goods with a short poem tucked inside." "A croissant folded around" "Maya Angelou's "Phenomenal Woman," for example." "Or a raisin loaf with Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" swirled in." "Maybe some of my own poetry too." "Lyric bread... food for the body, food for the soul." "I like it." "What do you think, class?" "You might want to laminate the poem." "Then again, you don't want that plastic taste in your mouth, right?" "But other than that, I think you've got yourself a winner." "Certainly do." "What about you, Ray?" "Have you considered your winning tool?" "Yeah, I've considered it." "I think I know what it is." "What I'm trying to figure out is how to market it because what I'm discovering is..." "Slow down, Ray." "Before we can help you with your dream, we have to know what it is." "You have to pitch it to us." "I'm not in the mood to pitch tonight, Floyd." "And I really don't think it's something for the group." "Now what Ray is going through is very normal." "Fear." "It's a common stumbling block." "But the way to overcome it is to acknowledge it, validate it, and keep on going." "Damn the torpedoes." "Now without thinking about it, tell me, Ray." "Say it." "What is your winning tool?" "No, without thinking about it, say it." "My name is Ray and I..." "I've got a big dick, Floyd." "All right?" "I've got a big dick." "Now what do I do with the damn thing?" "I'm not that smart." "I'm not that talented." "Anymore, anyway." "I've wasted my youth and now I look around and everybody seems to have accompliod something but me." "I don't have anything." "I got a burned-out house, a job that ps shit." "Can't afford to pay my taxes on time." "I can't even afford to buy my son a ticket to a fucking rock  roll show." "So I'm pretty much at the precipice here, and my big dick is all I've got." "Got any advice for me?" "Okay, I didn't actually say that." "I said I was good with old cars." "Wanted to be a mechanic." "What a crock." "That night I swallowed my pride, bought a prepaid cell phone and a box of condoms and put an ad in the back pages of "The Detroit Examiner."" "And I paid the extra fee to include a photo in the online edition." "Pick it up, Pazderka." "Good." "Nice, Makoski, nice." "Come on." "Mike, take over for a second, will you?" "Come on, come on, come on." "Let's hustle, let's hustle." "Yeah, you got Donnie." "That's right, I sure do." "Yeah, I know where it is." "Under what name?" "Wait, this friday?" "No, I've got a game." "I mean, sure." "I'm game." "Okay, you got it." "Sorry, cash only." "And that is how Ray Drecker, teenage sports star from the legendary West Lakefield class of '84, winner of a full baseball scholarship to the University of Central Florida, recruited to the Atlanta Braves before being sidelined by ruptured ligaments," "later the second winningest basketball and cross-country coach in West Lakefield history, came to be standing in front of this door." "Hey, sugar." "Donnie's here." "Sugar?" "Hey, lady!" "You think this is fun for me?" "What do you mean you changed your mind?" "Look, I'm sorry." "I'm just..." "I'm sorry." "I rearranged my whole schedule just to accommodate you." "Forget it." "You know what?" "Just forget it." "Thanks." "Ray, is that you?" " Who's that?" " It's me." "It's Tanya." "Christ." " How'd you know where I live?" " The phone book." "I tried calling but your number's disconnected." "Now I see why." "Look at your house." "My God." "You were right about the poems." "The ink runs in the dough." "I'll have to print them on plastic or something." "I brought you a sample." "It's a gluten-free neruda cranberry walnut bread." "Thank you." "You also left your gel pen that day at my house." "So I thought I'd bring it back." "That's not my gel pen." "Right, it's my gel pen." "Yeah, look, Tanya, I'm really not in the mood, okay?" "Ray, I didn't come here to jump your bones, okay?" "I know we're not dating or anything." "I just..." "I've been really concerned about you." "You were concerned?" "You haven't been coming to class." "Why would you pay all that money and not go?" "Because I'm not very good with vintage cars, all right?" "I lied." "That's not your winning tool?" "Nope." ""Big Donnie." "Will give you every inch of his love."" "Why are you showing me this?" "That's my ad." "This is you?" "Are you kidding?" "Please tell me this isn't you." "You're the one that gave me the idea." "To be a man-whore?" "Ray, that's disgusting." "That's pathetic." "Well, I'm a pathetic kind of guy." "Look, Tanya, what are you, like 40?" "I'm 38." "All right, then don't be so insulting." "Okay, I've got some flaws, but you've got no job, no kids, and you're gonna start making poem breads." "Wait a minute." "I do have a job." "I'm an artist." "Yeah, but right now you're a temp." "Right?" "Big Donn" "So did you have any luck with this?" "I went on my first thing today." "And?" "And..." "She changed her mind." "She wouldn't even open the door." "She just took one look at me through the peephole." " Come on, don't laugh." " I'm sorry." "I don't think it's funny." "I think it's sad." "It's lonely people." "It's just not me." "You know, if you want my opinion, it's this ad or persona or whatever." "Big Donnie?" "Are you out of your mind?" "What kind of clients did you think you were gonna attract with that?" " Did I ask your opinion?" " You need to sell yourself better." "And then you can get into a situation where you feel more confident and more protected." "And frankly, you need to add a photo." "I did that online." "Of your face." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "I'm a highly respected educator." "Nobody can know who I am." "Ray, you missed the class in creative marketing." "There are so many different ways you can sell yourself." "Look, if you want I can help..." "When I'm not working on lyric bread." "You want to help me sell myself?" "I mean, not for free." "Maybe for like a percentage of some kind." "You want to be my pimp." "Dad?" "Hold on." "I'll be quick." "What are you doing here?" "Just saying hi." "Looks like you got a pretty good spot." "Been camping all night, huh?" "I thought this might come in handy." "Oh, no no no, Dad." "It's fine." "Ronnie already gave me what I needed." "Look, you spend Ronnie's money on something else, okay?" "This is for Godhead." "You know, it might seem strange, but for the first time in years" "I felt pretty good."