"# holy, holy, holy # # author of creation # # early in the morning # # our song shall rise to thee #" "Isidor." "Isidor." "Isidor!" "Ay, Hermenegilda." "Isidor." "Isidor!" "It's Sunday." "We need to go to church." "# holy, holy, holy # # through the darkness hide thee # # hindered by our vanities # # we have not eyes to see #" "Felix, stay home!" "Pinche Domingo." "Ay, Isidor." "Bye." "# love and purity #" "And don't forget to roast the garlic." "Mm-hmm." "# holy, holy, holy # # we shall walk together # # thinking of... #" "Felix, go home!" "# the road that twists and turns # # holy, holy, holy # # there shall be but song here # # perfect in power # # in love and harmony #" "Onions, cilantro." "Lime and onion." "Felix, go home!" "My children, our Lord rejoices, for here in Falfúrrias," "He is blessed with the presence of all his flock." "# we gather together # # a family of many # # whose voices rise high # # and spirits are strong #" "Dumb pig!" "I still got to make my tortillas." "Stupid pig." "# the devil shall pass by our door with no harm #" "# we gather together to sing the lord's praises # # to sing of his... #" "Ma!" "What?" "He's single." "Bulmaro:" "Felix." "Go home, Felix." "Felix, go home." "Felix!" "Pinche Masa." "Ay." "Corpus Christi." "Amen." "What is with this dough today?" "Mmm." "Jesus Pinche Christ!" "Father Pancracio." "What a clown." "You see what happens when you sleep late?" "Mm-hmm." ""Mm-hmm"?" "You don't go to church with me y te quedas aquí " "Por favor." "Ay, Isi, after 17 years, don't you think you can make them round?" "Hey, it's not the shape that brings them in, okay?" "It's how good they taste." "Marcos." "Marcos, get your face out of that fish tank and come help me make guacamole, por favor." "Papa, my water's up to 80." "I got to bring it down." "Hold on." "Marcos, get your fish-loving nalgas out here, or I'm gonna make fish tacos!" "Isidor, take it easy." "He has to help." "But leave him alone." "Ah, my sister's here." "Hi." "Thank you." "Qué bueno que has llegado." "¿Qué trajiste?" "Wasn't Father's sermon inspiring?" "Ay, sí." "What a shame, Isi." "You were the only one missing." "Except for that witch Petra." "There's no such thing as witches." "I don't know, brother." "She's scary." "Yoo-hoo, ya llegamos." "Hey, Isi." "Buenos días." "Hi, everyone." "So, la liberata." "La miss scholar." "Imagínate, this is the 5th time she takes the test." "Oh, then that's it." "The state only lets you take the service exam five times." "Se acabó." "Oh." "You're so mean." "And we all know she's gonna fail." "Ay, bendito sea dios." "Maybe now I can become a grandmother." "Hey, Rufi." "You get the 10 burner?" "Oh, sure did." "Stainless steel, 35,000 BTU's, two 27-inch ovens." "This pendejo can burn." "Ay, how much?" "lay, chingado!" "Holy shit!" "For one?" "!" "Sure is a beauty." "If we only had a road, man, a paved pinche road." "Hey, I already wore out two sets of tires and three sets of shocks this year, Is." "The store could sure use it." "If those 18-wheelers could get here," "I'd have more shit than Wal-Mart." "A road from here to the highway." "Then people would come and taste my food." "He's right." "Yeah, let's go to Petra's." "Hey, you guys, aren't you hungry?" "No, not right now." "No, we're gonna go play, uh... football." "Uh, no." "No, no, I don't think so." "Come on, Mom." "We'll be okay." "I don't know." "Are you sure?" "We'll be fine." "Mijo, be careful." "Okay." "Vangie, I think he looks better." "Mmm." "Hmm." "Something's missing." "It's perfect." "Mnh-mnh." "Hey, hey, chile negro, look at this." "Our first harvest." "That's it." "Oh, my god." "Man, thanks so much." "Bulmaro, that's perfect." "Let me pay you." "No, no." "No, it's a gift." "Come on, Isi." "I'm gonna go get something to eat." "Okay, go sit down, go sit down." "This is it." "This is perfect." "Father Pancracio, drunken beans, just the way you like them." "Thank you, Herme." "May god bless you." "Rufi, pasa las tortillas." "Mmm." " You okay, ma?" "Fine." "Between a widower and -- and a virgin." "Father Pancracio, how much more money do you need to raise to get the San Tadeo for the church?" "Uh, uh, uh, $3,648.53." "Damn." "Another saint, another donation box." "Like that's gonna help this town?" "Well, God thinks so." "Amen." " Amen." "Amen." " Amen." "Well, if you ask me, what we really need is a tourist attraction." "Take, for instance, a municipal golf course." "What a stupid idea." "Oh, Don Transito, Mr. Mayor, when I pass my civil-service test," "I will help you to pass that ordinance." "Qué niña." "You concentrate on giving me a grandchild." "Unh-unh-unh, Padre." "We haven't said grace yet." "Father in heaven, we thank you for this bounty we're about to receive, amen." " Amen." " Amen." " Amen." " Amen." "Amen." "It's my turn." "Damn it." "Come on, what do you see?" "Tell me." "Quit pushing me." "Whoa." "Let me see." " No." "Is she nude?" "She's always nude." "She's a nudist." "I see you." "Shh!" "You can't hide from me." "This is so stupid." "Come on, let's go." "Get back over here, Altagracia." "And don't give me that... she's just talking to her cows." "I told you she was a witch." "There's a name for cows like you." "Did you see her chichis?" "Bessie's right." "What about her nalgas?" "Yolanda, not in front of Dinora." "Move!" "Move!" "Come on, Marcos, what do you see?" "Like you haven't heard that before." "Who cares?" "What do you see?" "She's milking." "Who cares?" "Come on, Marcos." "I can see her whole..." "Yeah?" "...entire face." "She's beautiful." "Come on, let me see." "Cut it out." "Tortilla..." "Qué rico, Sabroso." "The serpent of hunger." "Isidor." "Are you coming to bed?" "Mi amor, I'm coming up with a new recipe for chile colorado." "So please, distancia." "Can I have a little taste?" "Okay, just a little taste." "Quick, quick, quick." "Mmm, mmm, mmm." "It's so good." "Can I have another one?" "Just a little one?" " Small." "Yeah, a small one." "Mmm, it's so good." "Madre santa." "Oh, my God." "Who drew this?" "God?" " Mujer, estás loca." "It's just burnt, but, my God, how it's burnt." "It's a sign." " Of what?" "I don't know." "Why don't we ask Father Pancracio?" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Don't ask Pancracio, no, no, no." "Don't say anything." "But, Isidor " " Isidor, we can't keep a miracle secret." "Don't tell anyone." "Promise." "Cover it up." "You go to church." "Look, just stay -- stay back." "Okay, okay, be careful." "Hey, Isi." "Buenos días." "How are you?" "Good." "Good, good." "Can I talk to you for a minute, please, outside, privately?" "Well, sure." "Liberata, darling, could you take over?" "Listen, Rufi, you ever heard of the Shroud of Turin?" "Sure." " Rufi?" "It always sells the Enquirer." "Check this out." "Holy shit!" "Oh, God, oh, God." "Forgive me." "Rufi, get up, man." "It's just burnt." "Shit." "But how good it's burnt." "I know." "I know, man." "Well, Christ, what you gonna do with it?" "I don't know." "I thought you'd tell me." "Well, I don't know." "Don't tell anybody, okay?" "All right?" "This is unbelievable." "I told you not to tell." " I didn't." "Yeah, right." "Women." "I told you, you can't keep a miracle secret." "Didn't I tell you?" "Shh!" "Doesn't anybody want to eat?" "I just made some eggs and green chiles right now." "No, man, forget that!" "I want to see the tortilla." "I'll give you a buck." "I'll give you two." "I'll give you a chicken." "All right, hold on." "Let me think, okay?" "Okay, one for the Father, two for the Son," "And three for the Holy Spirit." "Three bucks a head." "What do you say?" "No, no, no, no, no." "One at a time." "Me first!" "Diosito de mi vida." "Hey, buenos días." "Get in line." "Come on, let's go!" "Form a line!" "Let's go!" "Let's go, people." "Let's go." "Form a line." "Let's go, everybody." "Get in line." "Everybody form a line." "What the hell?" "Jesus, Bulmaro, your truck's blocking the road." "Damn this truck!" "Come on!" "Pop the hood, let me take a look at it." "Damn." "Did it ever run?" "No." "You think I ought to check the spark plugs?" "Yeah, you know, they would be over here." "Oh, yeah." "I knew that, yeah." "Man..." "It's gonna take a miracle to start this truck." "Miracle." "We have a miracle." "A ver, quítense." "Hey." "Hey, what are you -- hey, get " "Give me back the tortilla!" "Okay, Bulmaro, try it now." "In... the name of the Holy Tortilla with the face of Jesus Christ," "Start the engine!" "Give me that tortilla." " Aah!" " Aah!" " Aah!" " Aah!" "Felix!" "Mi puerco." "My little Felix." "Oh, Pobrecito." "Why, Isi?" "Why?" "These things happen." "Pinche pig!" "Don't eat my tortilla!" "Felix is alive." "He's fine!" "Back from the dead!" "Felix is alive!" "It's the tortilla." "God, it's a miracle!" "The tortilla resurrected the pig!" "It's a miracle." "I can't believe it." "It's unbelievable." "It's a miracle." "Resurrected." "It was a miracle." "It's a miracle." "What in heaven is going on?" "Father, the tortilla created a miracle." "Two." "The hands of God right here in Falfúrrias." "What tortilla?" "What are you talking about?" "The pig was dead, and it got up." "The tortilla?" "Let me see this tortilla." "Ay, dios mío." "Oh, come on." "This tortilla belongs to the Holy Roman Catholic Church." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "You got the birth, you got the resurrection." "This miracle is mine!" "Give me that tortilla." " No!" "Gentlemen." "The tortilla belongs to the city." "What?" " What?" "We'll keep it at City Hall -- ¿Como no?" "" "With all proceeds of its display going to our treasury." "I can see it now -- a municipal golf course." "Golf?" "For all to enjoy." "Forget it!" "I cooked it!" "You are a capitalist swine." "And a heretic." "What have either of you done for this town, huh, ever, huh?" "We don't even have a paved pinche road!" "No me hables a mí así." "I'll tell you what." "Me and this tortilla -- we're gonna change things for everyone!" "Yeah!" " Right on!" "Iviva, Isidor!" "Isidor for progress!" "Iviva Isidor!" "Iviva Isidor!" "I win." "You both lose." "No, Isidor." "You will lose your soul." "Isidor." "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Mi amor, are you coming?" "Now I'm ready." "Isidor, Isidor, Isidor." "We need to talk." "We need to talk about Marcos." "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "No, Marcos has nothing to do with this." "Isidor, he is very special." "Marcos is very special." "I want you to put all that money away so he could go to the best college." "Mujer, look." "These are our riches right here, okay?" "We -- the food from this restaurant, this is all for Marcos." "I know, mi amor, but listen." "No, look." "Listen to me." "We are part of this land, okay?" "Isidor." "No, come here." "Look." "All of this it's all ours." "He's our only son." "If he leaves, who's gonna take his place?" "Mm-hmm." "Did you hear something?" "Someone's trying to rob us." "La tortilla, Isidor." "La tortilla." "Shh, stay back." "Gotcha!" "Isi!" "Stop, Isi, it's me!" "Vangie, what are you doing here?" "Isi, it's José." "He's worse than ever." "Maybe... 'manita, look, I understand, but..." "I don't think the tortilla's the answer." "But didn't you see what happened to Felix?" "The tortilla is a sign." "Yeah, it's a sign that we got lucky." "Look, I'm gonna use it for progress in this town." "Pray, Isi." "Pray, that the tortilla will cure José." "Okay." "Who knows, right?" "They say God works in mysterious ways." "# ow, ow!" "#" "# ow, ow!" "#" "Whoa-ho." "# not just another quesadilla # # straight ahead, straight ahead # # see the light, take a right #" "Damn." " Damn." "# ow, ow!" "#" "Damn." "Ahh." "# ow, ow!" "# # dos tacos y chorizo, por favor #" "# I've been drinking all night, and my head is so sore #" "# I've got to have some food # # dos tacos y chorizo, por favor #" "What can I get you?" "I'll have a chinese chicken salad with a nonfat decaf latte." "Me, too." " Ditto." "And can I have the dressing on the side?" "Me, too." " Ditto." "We have tacos, enchiladas, burritos, and today's special is tongue with rajas." "Pass." " Pass." " Pass." "And for you, sir?" "Hey, I'll have one of everything and a couple of beers, to start." "Excuse me." " Yes?" "What's the story on this holy tortilla?" "That's my husband's department." "Ask him." "Ah." "Who's that guy?" "A fool with a bunch of rucas." "Uh-huh." "Okay, let me take care of him." "Hello." "Welcome to Tortilla Heaven." "My name is Isidor." "I'm the owner." "And the salsa is homemade." "Try it." "Hmm." "Wow." "You like it?" "Secret recipe." "Yeah?" "I have one word for you -- "papaya."" "Ahh." "Mm-hmm." "Looks like you got the start of a nice little operation here, guy." "Thank you." "Mind if I ask you a personal question?" "No." "What's the return on your equity?" "Uh..." "How about your fiscal projections?" "Oh..." "I'm sorry." "How rude." ""Gil Garcia, Management Consultant."" "Yes, sir." "But you don't need that." "Looks like you got everything under control here." "And, of course, you're still a little small." "Uh, who's small?" "I'll tell you what." "Why don't you show me around your setup?" "Okay." "Hmm." "Not a bad likeness." "I told you." "It's a genuine article." "Now, look, why don't you step back?" "Sure." "Now, check this out." "Okay." "Jiggle the door." " After you." "No, come on." " Go for it, guy." "Whoa!" "Anyone tries to break in at night, I nail 'em with this." "How much you making on this venture?" "I already pulled in five big ones." "Five grand." "Not bad." "Uh, no, uh... $500." "Oh." "Well..." "Papaya?" "Hey, hey, hey." "Where are you off to?" "No, it's just that I'm used to dealing with guys who got a couple more zeros in their thinking, if you catch my drift." "Ben  Jerry, for example?" "Wolfgang Puck." "Paul Newman." "Oh, yeah." "It's all in the art of the deal, and that, my friend, is my specialty." "Hey, the Wolfman guy -- what did he ever cook?" "What did he ever cook?" "He put salmon on pizza, my friend, and made a fortune." "And, uh, Paul -- he's shipping spaghetti sauce all over the world." "Y-you helped them?" "Yeah." "Yeah, sure... indirectly, and I thought that maybe..." "Yeah." "Oh, well." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "It's just that I thought I could do the same for you." "Really?" "Yes." "It's all spelled out here in this consultant agreement." "Just sign... here." "Here?" "Bottom line." "You know, maybe I should talk to Herme." "Hey, guy." "No pressure." "Tequila." "Isidor, it's the middle of the day." "Mujer, don't get technical." "I just signed us a deal." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Excuse me." "Can I get a plate of enchiladas?" "Make it two and put it on my tab, thank you." "Isidor." " ¿Sí, mi amor?" "Can I talk to you for a minute?" "Get the food, and the tequila's on the -- now." "Do you mind?" "I just signed us a management consultant." "A what?" "What for?" "All the big guys have them." "You know that Wolfman guy on the radio?" "No." "Well, now he's got pizzerias all over the world." "That's what my consultant, Gil's, gonna do for me." "And who the hell is that Gil?" "Look, Herme, trust me." "This is the best thing that ever happened to us." "Isn't that awesome?" "Fuji, what is that thing?" "It's a lion fish." "Oh, hey, Dinora." "Your mother's packages arrived." "Hi." "Hi." "Oh, is that an...axolotl?" "Yeah." "How did you know that?" "My mother taught me introductory oceanography." "I only know a little." "My specialty is cosmology." "Wow." "Oh, gracias." "Um, I'd better check them." "You know how particular my mother is." "Is your mom making..." "clothes?" "Uh..." "No." "She's making boxes." "Actually, she makes them from pine or cottonwood and covers them with fabric." "Oh." "Why?" "To put feelings in." "She sells hundreds over the internet." "They're perfect." "Thank you." "Really, Bessie." "Dinora's far too young for boys." "I'd know, Altagracia." "I'm her mother." "Your problem is that all you think about is bulls." "Mom!" "Get ready!" "I've got a guest!" "How could she?" "Aah!" "Oh, wow." "You've got fish." "Yeah." "Huh." "Hi." "Hi, Mom." "You could put them down there, please." "Well, sit down." "I'm not going to bite you." "Please..." "Excuse me." "I have to go." "It's very hard on my mom." "She can't be dressed for very long, you know." "How come?" "Because her pores are too small." "When she's dressed, she can't breathe." "Oh." "Oh, I get it." "Just like my fish." "Okay, the-- they -- if you cover their gills, they'll die." "Yeah." "Okay." "Most people don't realize we breathe through our skin." "Thank god my pores are normal." "I could never be a nudist." "Did you know that in outer space, the pressure of the vacuum would make your brains explode inside out?" "Wow." "Did you know that three miles under the ocean, the pressure would make your brains implode outside in?" "Wow." "Wow." " Wow." "Since the appearance of the tortilla, many miracles have been reported in Falfúrrias, including the amazing resurrection of a pig." "Now this town, population 73, has been flooded by pilgrims from across New Mexico and the entire country, all coming to witness the miracle for themselves." "And that's not all." "Last week, after 15 years, Ofelia Lopez finally conceived." "Then the bunion on Sr. Sandoval's foot disappeared." "And just yesterday, a bag of masa, enough to make 100 tortillas, produced 365." "Sir, is the tortilla a genuine miracle?" "You better believe it." "So come on down and see for yourselves." "Why him?" "We have balloons for the kids and prizes for everybody." "Why not me?" "And we also have the best tacos, quesadillas, and enchiladas on earth." "I mean, me and my wife -- we cook everything at home." "I'm cooking up all kinds of moles for you -- turkey, banana and... thank you." "Thank you." "Very interesting." "Thank you." "Thank you." "This is Jackie Sanchez reporting live from Falfúrrias, New Mexico." "Thank you." " Thank you." "Whoa." "What are you guys doing?" "Following you." " Why?" "Because you're the prophet." "We know." "We saw it on TV." "Oh, boy." "Yeah, Rufi." "Gil." "I'm over at Isidor's." "Can you come on over?" "Hey, what are these?" "I found 1,000 of these at Ruffino's store." "Oh, my god." "These are great." "Look." "Rufi's a genius." "Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay." "Isidor, you are an inspiration, my man." "What do you mean?" "Do you think that Disney allows just anyone to put Mickey Mouse on a t-shirt?" "No, sir." "Do you think that Warner Bros." "takes a cut of every Bugs Bunny lunch bucket?" "You bet on it." "But not you, my friend." "You are above all that, and I take my hat off to you." "Besides, who needs all that money?" "What are you getting at?" "You are the creator of the tortilla, ¿que no?" "Yeah, yes, I guess." "Then you own all the rights to the merchandising." "Check it out." "Jesus on a tortilla on a baby's bib -- percentage to you." "On a diaper -- percentage to you." "Every paperweight, ashtray, key chain, pen, pencil." "Percentage to me." "Yep." "But friends are friends, huh?" "Anyways..." "No, no, no, I..." "Business is business." "Don't you think?" "What do you think?" "Hey." "What's going on?" "Do you think they let Mickey Mouse out of the closet?" "Huh?" " No." "Yeah, you see Bugs Bunny hopping around in the street?" "No, Isi, are you okay?" "Yeah." "Show him, please." "Hey, Rufi, ¿cómo estás?" "Right here." "Right there." ""whereas...hereby..."" "What?" "What do you mean, you're getting 50%?" "I made the T-shirts." "Yeah, but I own every last diaper." "Huh?" "Yeah, so you better start paying up or I'm gonna have to shut you down." "How could you do this to me?" "We've been friends all our lives." "Yeah, friends are friends, but business is business." "Right Gil?" "You're the man, Isi." "You think I did the right thing?" "Absolutely." "You know, there's two ways of doing business -- like this or like this... all the way to the bank." "Isidor." "Isi?" "Where are you?" "Hey, hey, hey." "Sheriff, cite that man." " Yes, sir." "For what?" "For one, disturbing the peace, two, misuse of public property, and three, operating a business without a license." "Hey, I have a license to operate my business." "But not to operate a shrine." "Who the hell are you?" "Gil Garcia, city planner," "Gil Garcia, municipal bonds." "No, no, no, no, no." "This doesn't make sense." "I'm not gonna make any money." " Yes, you will." "State funding, a toll road, my own golf course." "You get 50% of all his revenues." "Yes, but you told him that I would give him 50% of my revenues." "Out of my way." "We're talking net of net of net... and after expenses, interest -- interest on the overhead, overhead on the interest, management fees, and a little creative accounting." "Isidor!" "Yeah, but isn't that a little dishonest?" "Isidor." "Isidor!" "Infidels, heretics, worshippers of mammon." "Jesus Christ is a registered trademark of the Roman Catholic Church." "Let me." "Hello, Father." "Finally, San Tadeo will be mine." "I've always wanted a San Luis, too." "Damn." " Damn." "I told you to let me drive." "Now we're stuck." "This is supposed to be the scenic way." "Hello." "Would you folks like to see the holy tortilla?" "10 bucks each." "Not interested, thanks." "But this is the one and only tortilla" "That is spiritually fortified with the face of our good lord, Jesus Christ." "We're jewish." "So was he." "And, because you're the chosen people," "I'll give you a private showing for $15 a pair." "Jeffrey, see it already so we can eat." "Yes, Jeffrey." "Come on." "All right." "$5." "$5." "Okay, come on." "Just follow me." "Mmm." "Delicious." "Ma'am..." "Your " " Dr. Jeffrey, he dropped this." "Is he a medical doctor?" "My grandson is a resident of gastroenterology at Colorado Gen." "But I'm off duty." "It's okay." "I can't." "I'm not even licensed in this state." "It doesn't matter." "Just come with me right here." "It's not that far." "Come on, doctor." "Ay, diosito de mi vida, por favor." "Please, let this be my miracle." "Damn doctors -- she took him to a specialist in Albuquerque, and what did he tell me?" "That my son would be paralyzed, that he'd never walk." "But now he can't eat." "Does this hurt?" "A little." "How about here?" "I know what it is." "Yes!" "It's come true!" "The miracle that I have been praying for." " What is it?" "What is it?" " José has a hernia." "A hernia?" " What?" "Yes, and it's incarcerated, which means it's inflamed." "So I have to operate immediately." "Mm, Jeffrey." "Take my phone." "Gracias." "This part, you have 3 hours and 51 minutes." "Begin." "Oh, Jesus of the Tortilla, please watch over me... especially in the essay section." "Amen." "Long before Spaniards came to conquer," "Indians lived in this cave." "Wow." "An ancient clam." "Wow." "Did you know that millions of years ago this was all ocean?" "It was so deep in here, there was no light." "Wow." "It's like in space." "Did you know that the gravitational pull of a black hole is so strong that even light can't escape?" "Wow." "Sometimes I wish I were invisible." "Yeah, sometimes my dad looks at me, and..." "I feel invisible." "Wow." " Wow." "Is he gonna be all right?" "Let me." "Are you sure, mijo?" "It's too soon." "It's okay." "You sure?" " It's okay." "The tortilla brought another miracle." "# another miracle in Falfúrrias # # another miracle, we're delirious # # who knows what wonder # # what wonder tomorrow may bring?" "#" "Ay!" "I passed!" "I passed!" "By the grace of the tortilla," "I passed my test!" "# we got the magic face in Falfúrrias # # you will find your fate in Falfúrrias #" "You see that, mi amor?" "The tortilla did some good after all, right?" "It wasn't the tortilla, though." "It was the doctor." "# another miracle # # who knows what wonder # # what wonder tomorrow may bring?" "#" "Beautiful legs." "Nice rack." "Oh, and these burners, they're so big." "Oh." "She's beautiful." "Now we're cooking." "Yeah." "All that's left is to sign this -- bottom line." "What's this?" "It's a mortgage to Tortilla Heaven." "I own it already." "I've always owned it." "You know that." "Of course." "But, Isidor..." "Don't you want more?" "Imagine " " Tortilla Heaven in Santa Fe, right off the plaza... in Taos..." "even in Albuquerque." "No, no, no, come on." "I don't know about that." "See, this is your equity, and you got to let your golden goose lay some golden eggs for you." "I'm talking blue chips, small caps, mid caps, large caps." "See, you don't work for your money." "Your money works for you." "How do you think Wolfgang -- Wolfman got so rich?" "Leverage." "Leverage." "Leverage." "You know what's even more fun?" "Instead of investing your own money, you invest other people's money." "Yeah." "Yeah." "How do you -- how do you do that?" "For every friend that you get to invest, I pay you a commission." "How much?" " 5%?" "10%." "Leverage." "Leverage." "Yes!" "It's here!" "You're home now." "Welcome, everyone." "We pay dividends." "Would you stop that fricking noise?" "Stop it!" "Ah, bless you, Father." " God bless you." "No, it is true." "Look, look, look." "Gracias to the Holy Tortilla, we're gonna be big." "Hole in one, copa." "Remember, Mr. Mayor, keep your head down." "Yes!" "You're just counting your pennies in this lousy store." "This works so good." "lay, mira no más que hermosura!" "Ay, Rufi, you're my favorite son." "Well, I'm your only son, Mom, but that's okay." "Okay, where's the remote?" "My friends, this is your new home." "I'm so happy you're here." "Hi, I'm Saint Peter." "I'm Saint Paul." "San Pedro." " San Pablo." "Together, we guard the gates to Tortilla Heaven." "Would you like to visit our shrine?" "Oh, my god." "I look like an idiot with this look." "Herme, please, get back to the kitchen." "Ow!" "I'm Saint Michael, Archangel." "With my sword, I fend off evil." "It's gonna be a long day." "I'm not wearing any of this." "What are you doing?" "You're gonna spoil my opening." "Listen, papa, I need to talk to you about this intensive marine biology course in California." "# it's delicious # # god makes the dishes #" "Put on your wings, and get to work." "No, no, no." "You can forget it." "Por favor, hijo." "# and good for your soul #" "Are we on?" "And good morning, New Mexico." "We're live here at Tortilla Heaven." "New and improved Tortilla Heaven, Jackie." "Saint Peter, please." "These are our holy tostaditas." "We've just made them this week." "Very nice." "Thank you, Saint Peter." "As you can see... those are lovely." "...Oregano -- taste it." " Oh, no!" "They are very delicious." "Mmm." "Very good." "And wash it down with this." "I made this cup myself " "The mug of the holy mug." "Now you can have your coffee with our savior as he appeared to us -- only $5.95." "No!" "Get out!" "Did you hear that?" "That is disgusting." "I think so." "Am I on?" "What's the matter with you two?" "That cup's a gold mine." "Take your time." " Oh, please feel free to come j" "Uh, folks, um, don't miss our cathedral, graced with the world's largest collection of saints." "Forget the damn church." "Come see the new mayor's and city hall." " Isi." "Isi." "Golf is the devil's game." "Thank you very much." "What?" "What?" "We've got a problem with the road." "What do you mean?" "Here's the main highway." " Mm-hmm." "Here's Falfúrrias." " Yeah." "Look what's right in the middle." "That's Bulmaro's farm." " Bulmaro's farm." "Gots to go." "Oh, no, you can't do that." "That's been in his family for hundreds of years." "What you have to do is just build around it like this." "Build around it." " Isidor." "Do I tell you how to cook?" "Do I?" "Moving that road would cost a million dollars." "It's not in the budget, okay?" "Love you like a brother." "Thank you." " Cut, cut!" "Jesus Christ." " Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "You say that, Bessie, but you don't know what it's like out there." "It's dog eat dog." "They'll eat you up." "That's not true, Yolanda." "I've only protected her." "Wait till you have kids." "Mom?" "Are you alone?" "Of course." "Are you finished with your boxes?" "Almost -- two to go." "That's not bad." "Mom." "I've decided I'm going to public school and to college." "Mom, you've made your choices, and I respect them, but I have to make mine." "I'm sorry." "I have to go." "Mom." "Oh, my god, breathe, Mom." "Breathe, Mom, breathe." "Oh, my god." "All your pores are free now." "You can breathe, Mom." "You'll get hurt." "Mama." "Bulmaro." "Hey, Isidor!" "Ha ha!" "Isi!" "Hey!" "Hey, you know what?" "You know what?" "Because of the tortilla, man, this has been the best corn harvest ever." "And now with the road coming, you know what that means, Isi?" "I can provide for my family and even modernize my farm." "Ah, yeah, that's -- listen, I got to ask you a question." "Sure, anything you want, anything you need, everything I have is yours, Isidor." "Okay, well, listen, doesn't it say, uh, somewhere in the bible that you got to give shit up to get to heaven?" "Yeah, yeah." "When Father Pancracio passes around the plate, he always quotes from the bible." "It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of God." "Well, you ain't got no camels, right?" "Isi, where would I keep a camel?" "Right." "That's my point exactly." "So..." "You won't lose nothing if you give it up, right?" "Of course not." "Right." "So it's settled." "And there's no hard feelings, right?" "Hard feelings?" "Hard feelings about what?" "Well, uh, the..." "Isi." "You know what?" "Nothing." "Nothing, all right?" "Hey, Isi." "Hey, you want a pumpkin?" "Holy mugs." "Holy mugs for sale." "Authentic holy mugs." "Have Jesus with your coffee every morning." "And look, he's hand-painted." "Idesgraciados!" "Rufi, Evangelina's stealing our customers." "Okay, Ma." "Okay." "Look at what they're doing." "Come on." "Hey, hey, you, there." "Hey, hey, hey, you can't buy that." "It's illegal." "What?" " Hey, Rufi, what's your problem?" "That'll be $6.50." "Get this garbage out of here." "Hey, watch what you call garbage." "That is a cheap imitation made in a factory in Taiwan." "Mine are the holy mugs blessed in the church by Father Pancracio." "Here, this one is for free, and may your mornings be blessed." "Aah!" "Now look what you made me do." "Don't you ever touch my wife!" "Fine." "Fine." "I'll touch this." "Aah!" "Toda la venta!" "Imaldito, te mato!" "Ya lo acabas." "Te echas atrás." "lay!" "lay!" "He's an extraordinary young man." "Mom?" "I'm with Marcos." "Why, he's built the most extensive ichthyological facility in the state." "Oh, my god." " What?" "She -- she's actually talking on the phone." "Seriously, Dean Ziegler, this kid is the Jacques Cousteau of New Mexico." "Zachary Ziegler?" "From the California Institute for Marine Biology?" "Zach, you're making me blush everywhere." "He's an old friend from another life." "You'll be studying with him." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "We'll celebrate with a toast." "Mm." "What about Dinora?" "Excuse me." "I can't leave without you." "You have to." "It's your dream." "Papa." " Marcos." "Papa, I need your help." "I don't know what to do." "I'm here for you, mijo." "Cool." "Listen." "I got into the best program -- marine biology at Long Beach State." "I'm leaving next week." "What do you mean you're leaving?" "It's in California." "Petra got me a scholarship." "Petra!" "That witch!" "Were you with her?" "Was she dressed?" "Well, no, not exactly." "She seduced you!" "No." "Her and her daughter, she seduced you." "Forget California." "You stay here." "Okay?" "Papa!" "No." "That witch." "All rise for her honor, Judge Liberata." "Order." "Order in the court." "Who's there?" "All right, witch." "It's all over." "I'm ending your evil career." "Put that down, Isidor." "You look like an idiot." "How dare you pervert Marcos," "Lure him away from his family, from -- from his moral decency." "This from the man who sells the face of Christ on tortilla chips." "You don't even know him." "He's my son." "That's all I need to know." "You stay away from him," "And -- and keep your daughter away from him, too." "What my daughter and your son do is their business." "And what I do is mine." "No wonder your daughter is a slut." "Say anything you want about me, but you say nothing about Dinora." "Ooh!" "I'm gonna have you arrested." "You just try!" "You'll see." "Your honor, I'm telling you, this woman is a menace to this town." "This is a very serious accusation." "Yes, yes, it is." "Do you have any proof?" " Yes, I do." "Your honor, my son wouldn't be leaving home if this woman wasn't doing something to him." "I mean, she's a nudist." "She's a witch." "Her and her daughter " "That's ridiculous." " Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "What's this about the daughter?" "Yes, yes, Marcos said that she was involved, too." "Your honor, can I say something?" "Don Transito, please." "This involves a child." "The state has no choice but to protect the girl." "What can I do for you gentlemen?" "Until further investigation," "Dinora de la guerra shall be removed from the custody and home of her mother." "That's absurd." "Give me that." "Ijesus, Everardo!" "Sorry, ma'am." "Hey, Mom, what's going on?" "What do you want?" "You cannot take my child!" "Sorry, ma'am, but it has to be." " You cannot take her." "She'll be fine." " Mama!" "Trust me." "Come on." "You're putting me in jail?" "Well, it's not really jail, you know." "It's just till we find someplace better." "Did you change the sheets?" "Yeah, you know, vangie brought in a comforter earlier today." "That looks nice." "That's the one that your mom got us for Christmas two years ago." "Where did you put my bike?" "I had to put it outside 'cause of her." "Well, go ahead, mija." "You'll be all right." "Okay." "Hey!" "Hey, what are you doing?" "!" "No, what are you doing?" "!" "It's for her own protection." "Did you do this?" "Listen." "I'm coming back for you, okay?" "Marcos." "I'm ashamed to be your son." "Which one do you think is the key?" "Everardo, I don't know." "Are all parties present?" "Yes." " Yes." " Yes." " Yes." "I am, mi amor." "Ruffino, address me as "Your Honor."" "Oh, yes, sir." "I mean Your Honor." "Does either party have counsel?" "Yes." " Yes." "Which of the parties do you represent?" "Me." " Me." " Me." " Me." "All." "But I-I'm sure you can't do that." "It's perfectly legal." "See, the right hand never knows what the left hand is doing, and I never tell myself my own arguments." "Oh, thanks, baby." "And in our great system, every party is entitled to the best possible legal representation." "Wait, wait, wait a minute." "I can't think of any legal precedent that states that " "It's okay." "You won't find it in there." "It's just a bunch of legal stuff." "Hi." "Gil Garcia, Attorney at Law." " Nice to meet you." "Your Honor, I call my first witness," "Ruffino Melendez." "Well, mi amor -- I mean Your Honor " "That woman, Vangie, had the nerve to stand outside my store and sell counterfeit holy mugs." "You lying bag of beans." "May I have exhibit "A," please?" "Your Honor, I rest my case." "But doesn't the defense have something to show?" "Yes." "Oh, yeah." "The defense calls Evangelina to the stand." "Your Honor, everyone knew I was making the mugs." "I object." "To what?" " To what?" "To the supposition and pre-knowledge of hearsay maligning my other client." "Wait a minute." "I'm sure that " "Oh, Your Honor, we have a witness." "I call Isidor to the stand." "What?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Keep me out of this, please." "I object." "What do you mean?" "But you called him." "I object to my objection, and I represent Isidor." "Oh, Your Honor, I object to the objection to my objection." "I object to the objection to that objection to my objection." "I object to that objection to the objection to my objection." "I object to all objections." "Fraud!" "Misrepresentation!" "Infringement of copyright!" "Bad taste!" "It was my idea." " My son is a marketing genius." "It's not fair." "I can't believe this." "This town is going to hell." "Damn." "Quiet!" "Everyone!" "Isidor." "Approach the bench." "Do I have to?" "Move it." "Now, according to this contract," "You issued Ruffino exclusive rights to the holy mugs in question." "Contract?" "I have one of those." "We have a contract, Your Honor." "Que?" "Let me guess -- identical exclusive licenses granted to each." "Too bad." "Mine's first." "You traitor." " Isidor, go to hell." "I've made my decision." "Isidor, I fine you $5,000..." "What?" "...to be paid to Ruffino for issuing a fraudulent license." "Fraudulent?" "No way." "Take the money." "And as for you, Ruffino," "I fine you $7,000 to be paid to Evangelina." "What?" "!" "What for?" "!" " What?" "!" "Because you saw the holy mugs on TV." "No way." " Not true." "Do I have to call myself as a witness?" "You're bankrupting us, taking money from your own mouth." "Honey, it's food from your mouth, money from your pocket." "Case closed." "And Ruffino, tonight you sleep on the couch." "I told you not to marry that puta." "I'm ashamed to be of your flesh!" "And you, too, can sleep on the couch tonight." "Ooh, that had to hurt." "This is a great system." "And I get fees from everyone." "Hey, if you need a lawyer, give me a call." "Ay te watcho, cuate." "Isi." "Isi, are you in there?" "Isidor?" "You in there?" "Go away." "Don't worry, Isi." "I'll always be your friend." "You're not mad at me?" "I could never be mad at you." "Huh?" "You're my friend, man." "Oh, good." "You told him." "Told me what?" "About the road." "What about the road?" "It goes through your farm." "No, no, you mean around my farm." "Right?" "No, uh...through it." "and... and, uh... they got to knock down your house to do it." "My farm?" "Huh?" "This farm has been in my family for 400 years." "When Don Juan de Oñate blazed a trail" "From Mexico City to Santa Fe, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather -- he was given this land, the only fertile land for 50 miles." "Huh?" "Well, better collect those margins." "But first, lunch... maybe that stuffed tortilla." "Isi." "Isi, you okay?" "Oh, yeah." "You all right?" "What are we gonna do about my farm?" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Hey, look." "You got to cash me in, okay?" "I need cash, all right?" "Sell anything, all right?" "I need cash." "Here's Valerie Vasquez with news from New York." "The Dow Jones has suddenly plummeted almost 2,000 points." " Ooh." "Analysts are at a loss to explain the sudden, astonishing drop, the worst since the great crash of 1929." "Damn." "Sorry, Isi, but you're broke." "That's impossible." "We were making so much." "What about those commissions?" "10% -- you said 10%." "10%." "I know." "Oh, well." "Welcome to the world economy." "You know, I'm gonna have to call in that margin, along with everyone else's, so you owe me... $978,638.50." "What?" " By tomorrow would be fine." "Where am I gonna get that kind of cash?" "I mean, I got to make payroll." "Plus I got to save Bulmaro's farm." "The nasdaq has taken a similar plunge, dropping by almost 1/3, closing at 1,100, its lowest point since 1987." "See, Isi, this is the way it works." "One day you're up, the next day you're down, and today, brother, you're in the pits." "...has decided to address Congress at 3:00." "But, you know... if you have any spare cash, with prices depressed this way, it's a great time to buy." "Close the gates to Tortilla Heaven!" "Pablo, this is your fault." "Curse you, Ladron." "Desgraciados." "Sinverguenzas." "Isidor, I hope you rot." "Ow." "Ay." "Why?" "My TV!" "Don't take my balls." "Isidor, you bankrupted this town." "With our tax base gone, we have to abandon city hall." "The State is threatening prosecution for misappropriation of funds." "But trust me, cabrón," "I'm naming you co-conspirator." "Hey, that's my favorite putter!" "Give me that!" "Not -- not my saints, please!" "Please, not my saints!" "Don't!" "San Rafael, San Luis, no." "Bring back San Andreas." "It's not his fault." "Forgive me." "Father." "Oh." "Damn you, Isidor." "I need forgiveness, Father." "Go tell a Protestant." "You drive the devil from your soul, for, Isidor, you're doomed." "Go." "No, San Tadeo -- he's my favorite." "Not San Tadeo." "I'll be so lonely." "No, that's my grandmother's." "Give me, give me." "What is this?" "What's going on here?" "Stop it." "Stop it." "Stop." "Give it to me!" "Give it back!" "Give it back!" "Isidor." "They have taken everything we own, Isidor." "Don't worry, okay?" "Don't worry." "I'll get it back, I promise." "We still have the tortilla, okay?" "We still have the tortilla." "We do." "You and your pinche tortilla." "You have driven out your own son, Isidor." "What are you talking about?" "Come on, stop." "What are you talking about?" "Marcos is gone." "He wants nothing more to do with you, and neither do I." "Now get out." "Come on." "Get out." "I don't want you here anymore." "Go." "No, Mom!" "No, Dad!" "No!" "Number one, bring her." "Okay, kids." "Say goodbye to Carnitas." "Take care of Felix." "Bye, Carnitas." "Bye-bye." "Hey, look, Carnitas, there's Isi." "Hey, Isi, which -- which part's the tenderloin?" "Uh, this?" "Oh, we'll talk later." "Bulmaro." "Caridad." "I'm sorry." "I really am." "Come on." "Come on, let's go." "Get off my land!" "God, where are you?" "Why have you abandoned us?" "Come on, we're busting you out." "Here, thanks." "Take this." "Okay, let's get out of here." "Thank you." "Wow." "What?" "Ladies and gentlemen, Gil Garcia." "Bienvenidos, and welcome, my dear, dear Falfúrrians, to the future site of Tortilla Heaven luxury resort and casino." "A casino?" "Here?" " That's blasphemy." "Hey, you put a coin in the slot machine, you put a coin in the collection plate." "Either way, it's gambling, speaking of which, Father," "How would you like a brand-new crystal cathedral?" "Made entirely of venetian cut glass, blessed by the holy Father himself," "This stunning piece of architecture houses 37 chapels, 23 sacristies," "And 2 altars carved from 24-carat solid gold." "Gold." "Truly one-of-a-kind place of worship." "And with faith renewed, you'll need a place to relax, and where better to relax than 18 holes." "Designed expressly for the town of Falfúrrias by a 5-time masters' champion, these world-class links feature turbocharged golf carts with alcoholic beverage of your choice on demand." "Brilliant." "Yes!" "We'll host a holy pro-am." " Excellent idea." "What happened to your humanity?" "W-where -- where's your dignity?" "And where will everybody shop?" "At the Rufi mega-mart supercenter," "Of course!" "Yes." "Open 24 hours a day." "24 hours?" "We'll make it 25 if you want, bro." "You can pull a lot of overtime, Mama." "And to better protect and serve, how about a state-of-the-art police humvee..." "Hey, man, and I want a helicopter, too." "You've got that, too." "But my friends, we're only missing one thing before all these wonderful things can come to pass, and what might that be?" "Work with me here." "Help me out." "Anybody." "One thing." "Somebody." "A road." "A road." " A road." " A road." " A road." "A road!" " Of course." "A road!" "No!" "Nobody's gonna take my farm -- nobody!" "Well, why don't we let the people decide that, Bulmaro?" "What do you say, folks?" "What'll it be?" "Pumpkins...or progress?" "Progress." " Progress." " Progress." " Progress." "You can't take my farm." "Move, Bulmaro." "Get out of the way." "No!" " Bulldoze the sucker." "Let's get this show on the road." "Yeah." " Yeah." " Yeah." " Yeah." "I thought you were my friends." "Number one." "Go for it." "What about my family?" "Huh?" "What about my family?" "I'll die before you take my farm!" "Go!" "No!" "If you're gonna destroy this farm you're gonna have to run me over." "Isi, Isi, Isi, how are we gonna build an empire if we don't break a few logs?" "No more." "I'm drawing the line." "Move on, Isidor." "You're holding back progress." "Wait, wait, everybody, look, listen." "Look, I just want to tell everybody that, uh that I'm sorry, and, uh, I want to make amends." "Sure, you're sorry." "After what you did to me?" "Forget it." " Get the hell out of there." "Get out of there." "No, wait, wait, uh, look," "I want to absolve you of everything that you owe me." "Everybody who owes me anything of everything, okay?" "I absolve it." "Look here." "Very, very generous." "Very valiant, Isi." "Unfortunately, their debts are not yours to absolve." "What?" "Do you remember those margins folks?" "Here are the promissory notes." "Oh, no." "I hold the title to everyone and everything in this town." "All right, Gil." "You have the power." "He has the power." "Well, you know what?" "You forgot one thing." "What's that?" "This." "No." "Isidor, be careful with that." "It's fragile." "It's a perishable miracle." "Hey, come on, Isi." "Take it easy." "Remember the dream we talked about?" "Not Tortilla Heavens just in Santa Fe, Taos, and Albuquerque, but across the nation." "Millions of people enjoying your enchiladas de guajillo, your carne adovada, your chicken mole." "Isi..." "This is god's gift to you." "Don't waste it." "It would be a shame." "More tithings." "More fairways." "More merchandise." "More stores." "More squad cars." "More." "More!" "More!" "More!" "More!" "More!" "More!" " More!" "More!" " More!" "More of everything." "What do you say, Isi?" "No." "You destroy that tortilla," "No one will ever come taste your food." "So be it." "No!" " No!" " No!" " No!" "No!" "Felix!" "Oh, my baby." "Oh." "Oh, Felix." "Now, that was fun, wasn't it?" "And a nicer group of people you wouldn't want to meet." "And that Isi -- he could cook." "Did you ever try his burritos with the carne adovado?" "Gil." "Oh, and on Wednesday he would make those tamales." "Gil." "You know, and what was especially good " "Gil!" "Yeah, boss?" "Don't you think you went a little too far this time?" "I don't know." "After all, I am your representative on earth, your 10-percenter." "You know what I'm saying?" "Haven't seen you down in the trenches in a long time." "Excuse me?" "Hey, it's all good, junior, you know." "I'm just winding you up." "After all, you know what they say " "God works in mysterious ways." "Ha." "Next time, can I get a motorcycle?" "Hey, your lips to dad's ears, buddy." "What I wouldn't give for one of those burritos right now." "Me, too." " Ditto." "Yeah, baby." "# don't you know that life can be very hard?" "# # it's an uphill battle right from the very start # # just when you feel like you can't take no more noway # # you find a little bit of heaven # # every da-a-a-y, hey #" "# some say you find it here, and others find it there # # most of the time now, you find it anywhere # # it's a state of mind, and if you feel that way #" "# you find a little bit of heaven # # every da-a-a-y, hey #" "# don't you know that life can be very hard?" "# # it's an uphill battle right from the very start # # just when you feel like you can't take no more noway # # you find a little bit of heaven # # every da-a-a-y, hey #" "# some say you find it here, and others find it there # # most of the time now, you find it anywhere # # it's a state of mind, and if you feel that way #" "# you find a little bit of heaven # # every da-a-a-y, hey #" "# just a little bit of heaven from time to time # # just a little bit of heaven now # # that I can call mine # # just a little bit of heaven, come what may # # just a little bit of heaven now #" "# every da-a-a-y # # just a little bit of heaven now # # every da-a-a-y, hey #" "# just a little bit of heaven now # # just a little bit of heaven now # # just a little bit of heaven now # # just a little bit of heaven now # # just a little bit of heaven down here #" "# te presentamos el vino y el pan # # benditos seas por siempre señor # # te presentamos el vino y el pan # # bendito seas por siempre señor #" "# bendito seas, señor # # por este pan que nos diste # # fruto de la tierra y el trabajo de los hombres #" "# te presentamos el vino y el pan # # bendito seas por siempre señor # # bendito seas, señor # # el vino a todos nos diste # # el fruto de la tierra y el trabajo de los hombres #" "# te presentamos el vino y el pan # # bendito seas por siempre señor #" "# bendito seas, señor # # por este pan que nos diste # # el fruto de la tierra y el trabajo de los hombres # # te presentamos el vino y el pan # # bendito seas por siempre señor #" "# te presentamos el vino y el pan # # bendito seas por siempre señor #" "Subtitles by LeapinLar"