"This programme contains strong language and adult humour" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown," "Jon Richardson," "Sean Lock," "Vic Reeves," "Bob Mortimer," "Jack Whitehall," "Susie Dent and Rachel Riley." "Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!" "APPLAUSE CONTINUES" "Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums." "Did you know, for example, each animal has its own specific mating call - a badger shrieks, a fox clickets, a goat rattles, a deer crooms and a Jimmy begs." "LAUGHTER" "The average American eats 28 pigs in a lifetime." "Sorry, that should read in a lunchtime." "LAUGHTER" "And on average, it takes seven minutes to fall asleep." "Here's a tip if you're having trouble falling asleep - why not ask my girlfriend what sort of a day she had?" "LAUGHTER" "Right, let's get started." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "OK, let's meet tonight's players." "First up, it is Sean Lock." "WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE" "Sean's brilliantly funny, can hold his drink and handle himself in a fight." "In short, he's someone you always want on your side, unless you're playing Countdown." "LAUGHTER" "Joining Sean tonight is Vic Reeves." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Hello, Sean." "Thank you." "With his offbeat jokes and sideways view of the world, Vic manages to tread a fine line between avant-garde surrealism and getting himself sectioned." "LAUGHTER" "Yeah." "That's what they said." "LAUGHTER" "Up against them this evening is Jon Richardson." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "With his award-winning stand-up, high-profile TV career and bestselling DVDs, it's surprising just how boring Jon genuinely is." "LAUGHTER" "No-one's coming back at you, Jimmy." "Is that the way it works?" "Well, we'll come back in a minute, we'll do these and then you can come back." "OK, I wasn't actually interested." "LAUGHTER" "Jon's team-mate this evening is Bob Mortimer." "APPLAUSE" "WHISTLING" "Before becoming a comedian, Bob used to work as a probation officer, so I'm assuming you and Sean go way back." "LAUGHTER" "What is this about me in fights?" "I don't get in fights or anything like that." "He was on probation for running a brothel, actually." "LAUGHTER" "Yes, my brothel." "What Jon used." "LAUGHTER" "Bust a nut." "I was enjoying that until then." "That's what you said when the police walked in." "LAUGHTER" "OK, can I just say, it is great to have Vic and Bob on the show together, isn't it?" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "I've just noticed that Bob's here tonight." "LAUGHTER" " How are you doing?" "All right?" "Nice to see you, I haven't seen you for ages." "Bob, are you a competitive kind of person?" "Um, no, I don't think so, not really." "I mean, I've never scored a point on this show, for example." "Doesn't mean I'm not trying." "LAUGHTER" " Do you think it will change tonight?" "I do, because I'm on Jon's team." "It's the first time I've been with Jon." "Yes, it's good being with Jon, Jon is good at Countdown." " Isn't it?" " Yes." "Hasn't he got lovely hair, as well?" "Close up." "From a distance, don't know." "LAUGHTER Close-up, beautiful." "It is luxurious hair, isn't it?" " Isn't it, though?" "It's quite Persian." "LAUGHTER" "Look at these two here with their strong, Persian hair." "LAUGHTER" "Mine's actually this colour, though." "GASPS AND LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Yes, but, Jimmy's isn't pubes." "LAUGHTER" "You do appear to have pubic hair." "It does slightly, but I'm one of the few people who can find a hair that shape in his food and think, oh, that's all right, actually." "LAUGHTER" "What do you see when you look in the mirror, Jon?" "Oh, well, tonight I'll see pubes and someone fleeing from a brothel..." "LAUGHTER" "Can I come on your team?" "LAUGHTER" "What's your idea of a romantic evening?" "On my own, or with someone?" "LAUGHTER" "Well, ideally with someone, I suppose." "Bella pasta." "On my own, nice bath, few bubbles, glass of wine, film." "Lovely." "Put my special mitten on." "Oh, that's why there's a film in the bath, yeah?" "Vic, what do you think Bob's biggest weakness is going to be this evening?" " Well, he's a very strong man, so I can't think of any weaknesses that he's got." "I know he's..." "Do you know humpback bridges?" "They generally find that, if you look at them, they build them over his back." "They get him to crouch down in the street and then just build over it until it's hardened, and then he crawls off." "That's how they build humpback bridges." "He's a very powerful man." "Got a lot of strengths." "Sean, present company excepted, who would be your dream celebrity partner on Cats Does Countdown?" "I would like..." "Well, the best person to have would be Sepp Blatter, because I'd definitely win." "There would be no point playing the game." "We'd have already won." "We could all go to the pub." "Sepp Blatter, is he a pop singer?" "He's the head of FIFA." "Is he?" " Yes." "Oh, I've never heard of them." "Who are they?" "FIFA?" "They're a bit like Kasabian." "I like the sound of that, then." "OK, so, Jon, do you have a mascot this evening?" " Well, not really." "I'm a bit annoyed, Jimmy, to be here, this week, actually, because tonight's supposed to be my hen night because I'm getting married." "Stag night, I think is what you mean to say." "Come again." " You just said it was your hen night tonight." "Yes." " Stag night." "Having a right laugh." "I e-mailed all my friends." "All working, would you believe." "All working." "All of them, so I've been out on my own." "Do you get invited on a lot of stag dos?" " Yeah." "I've been on a few." "I tend to nip back early." "you have to share rooms on stag dos, so I find, if I get back early, I can have the key changed and then I get a good night's sleep." "I don't get invited on a lot of stag dos, Jimmy." "I went on a stag do in Manchester, in this fine city." " What happened?" "I went to Vodka Revolutions." "Very good." "Set up for stag dos." "It's the only kind of place you go to where they have drinks offers like," ""Buy two Jagerbombs, get the morning-after pill for free."" "We should go there after the show this evening." " Definitely." "I don't want to get pregnant again." "Bob, have you got a mascot?" " Yes, I have." "Would you like to see it, Jimmy?" " Yes." " I'll present it to you." "It's a little drawing of dog dirt that my son did." "And it's the first one he did which he actually named it" " Dog Dirt." "I think, personally, that dog dirt is quite a lucky thing." "I always pick one up if I see one." "How old is Tom?" " Well, he's 17 now." "But this was done two years ago." "And that was his O-level project." "A*!" "Vic, have you got a mascot?" "Yes, I have." "Hang on a minute." "What are you doing?" "Oh, he's undressing." "Jesus!" "God!" "I always have my lucky pants with me." "What?" " It doesn't look like you've had a lot of luck in them, to be honest with you." "Well, they've brought me a lot of luck." "Jack, fancy..." "Imagine the state of your trousers if you hadn't been wearing them." "Shall I try them on?" "Oh, don't put them over your trousers." "I don't want them all dirtied up." "There we are." "APPLAUSE" "A sort of Superman's grandad." "I committed to it and they're slightly damp." "Sean, have you got a mascot?" " Well, I haven't got a mascot." "I just remembered recently that, in 1973, when I was ten," "I buried a time capsule and I had a bit of a knock on the head and I suddenly remembered where it was buried, which was in the grave of one of my first victims." "So I went back and I dug it up." "I thought tonight would be a good opportunity to open it up and see..." "Oh, surprisingly easy." "Now, I remember that year, for Christmas I got a five-pound note." "That's how big they were." "Remember them?" " Yes!" "Yes!" "God, the big wallet you needed!" "Now That's What I Call Music 2." "The government's Eat One A Day campaign leaflet." "People couldn't believe it." "The suggestion that you should have one piece of fruit or vegetables a day and...it never caught on." "Still hasn't, I don't think." "And then there was..." "I wrote down a list." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, Jesus!" "That's what happened to Hammy!" "He must've got in the box just before I closed the lid." "We wondered what happened..." "I can take those posters down now." "There we go." "There was a list." "I wrote a list of things I hated." "It will be interesting to see if I still hate them." " Yeah, I wonder." "ABBA." "Yeah, I still hate ABBA." "Maths 'n' spellin'." "Yeah, still hate that." "Prosecco." "I hated Prosecco when I was ten." "I'll drink it, but...only if there's nothing else." "Girls, and I don't hate girls any more." "It's women, now." "OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Jack Whitehall." "Privately-educated twentysomething Jack Whitehall is a versatile actor, playing anything from a privately-educated twentysomething in Fresh Meat to a twentysomething who's been privately educated in Bad Education." "Next one." "That's it!" "Are you good at Countdown?" "Are you any good at the actual game?" "Jimmy Carr has a laugh that sounds like a seal pup being raped by a group of Eskimos." "True." "Are you a Countdown fan, Jack?" "Do you like the show?" "I love Countdown." "It's a British institution." "It's like Doctor Who, every, like, couple of years, the main guy dies and then is regenerated with another white man." "That's how it works." "Were you good at maths and English at school?" " No." "I was more into sort of art and drama." "Shock, horror." "So, this evening, I thought, if it was possible, that I would turn Dictionary Corner into more, sort of, Artist's Corner and I can be the artist in residence because I brought along some materials" "and I thought, over the course of the evening," "I would sketch you like one of my French girls." "Is that OK with you?" " I would love to be one of your French girls." "So, if you just carry on as you are normally with the show, and I will, over the course of the evening, get drawing." "It's a lovely idea." "And with Jack is, of course, Susie Dent." "Our resident lexicographer Susie lived in New York for two years." "They say New York is a city that never sleeps." "Well, it did when Susie was there talking about lexicography." "Now, do people ever try and show off when they're speaking to you and use, you know, longer words just to sort of try and impress you?" "Use lots of sesquipedalian sort of words?" "Oh, very good." "I'm in there." "They try to use hippopoto-monstro-sesquipedalian, which is monstrously long words." "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcan oconiosis." "Very good." " Well, you know." " Yeah, he's in, too." "Back off, Carr." "Is that a railway station in Wales?" "I can do the railway station." " So can I." "Oh, well, both of you, railway station in Wales." "Three, two, one." " Cardiff Central." " Llan..." "Ah!" "Can you give us the full..." "What's the full Welsh longest name..." "Place name in the UK?" "Llanfairpwllgwyngyll gogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch." "APPLAUSE" "OK, and, in charge of the numbers, is Rachel Riley." "Rachel joined Countdown in January 2009 after Carol Vorderman, sadly, broke her leg and had to be shot and melted down for glue." "Rachel, present company excepted, who's your idol?" "Who do you most look up to?" " Well, actually, I would go for Susie." "I think Susie's awesome." "She's a working mum, she knows every word imaginable, except anything vaguely rude, she's gorgeous and she's really good at arm wrestling." "You're good at arm wrestling?" " I love arm wrestling." "Well, let's get the guns out." "Maybe later." "You've missed out a mole there." " Oh." "I've seen you wrestle Nick Hewer and Jeff Stelling." "What?" "At the same time?" "It sounds like you walked in on something and they made up an excuse." "No, no, we were just arm wrestling." "OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown Swingball Set." "What an awesome display of sporting excellence!" "Could the two chaps and Jimmy re-enact the Jeff Stelling, Nick Hewer, Susie Dent..." "Thank you very much, indeed, fellas." "The Countdown Swingball Set." "OK, let's Countdown, everyone." "Time for the first game." "Jon and Bob, you get the first pick of the letters." " Please." "Can I have a vowel, please?" " Thank you, Bob." "E." " Another vowel." "Sorry." "Jon, I've just spotted your pen." "Why have you got a life-size penis on the top of your pen?" "Lads, lads, lads, lads, lads, lads, lads, lads!" "I'm slightly worried that, if you get stuck on a bit..." "You know sometimes when you get like stuck on a..." "Don't think it'll happen, mate." "Vowel!" "I" "Consonant." " Yeah, there we go." "K" "Another vowel, thanks." "E" "Consonant." "D" "Consonant." "C" "Consonant." "M" "Another vowel, thanks." "And the last one." "O" "And, so, for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock." "Jon, what have you got?" "How many?" " Seven." " OK, seven." "Bob, what have you got?" " Five." "OK, Vic." " I've got two sixes." " 12, then." "OK." "Sean?" " I got six." "OK, Bob, your five." " MIKED." "M-I-K-E-D." "Pretty good." "OK, Vic, your six." "COOKED and COMODE." "COOKED and COMODE." "Sean, your six." "MOODEE" "MOODEE with a..." " Double E." "Is that a word?" " Er, no." "And COMMODE needs two Ms, as well." " Well, I've got COOKED." "You're going for COOKED." " You've got COOKED." "OK, Jon, your seven." " COOKIED!" "I COOKIED a cake." "Oh, no," "IED." "As in, to have eaten a cookie." "I'm not a fucking idiot." "COOKIED?" " How would you use that?" "COOKIED?" "Someone brought in some cookies and milk and, whilst I COOKIED, I didn't milk." "I love it, but it's still not there." "Well, six points to Vic for COOKED." "Well done, Vic." "Jack, Susie - mainly Susie - could they have done any better?" "I can't get any better than six." "MOCKED, COOKIE, yep." "Jack?" " You've got a very weird face." "Weird how?" " A distinctive face." "You could never commit a horrific crime because you'd get caught straightaway." " No." "Not the case." "OK, so, at the end of that, Sean and Vic are in the lead with six." "Onto our first numbers round." "OK, Sean and Vic, your turn to pick the numbers." "Two from the top, four from everywhere else." "The numbers are 10, 2, 6, 5, and the big ones, 50 and 100." "And the target - 838" "OK, and your time starts now." "So, the target was 838." "Did you get it, Bob?" "No." "I've got 870." " OK." "Quite a ways away." "Jon, did you get it?" " No." "I got 840. - 840." "Pretty close." "Sean?" " No, 835." "Vic?" " I'm still adding them up." "Jon, how did you get 840?" "100 + 5 100 + 5 = 105" "105 x 6 + 2 105 x 6 + 2 = 840" "Lovely." " So, seven points to Jon." "Have you got it now?" " Yeah, doesn't matter now, though does it?" "Matters to you." "Look at your little face." "Rachel, you're not bad at maths." "Could you do it?" " Yes." " Oh, well done." "This one was possible." "Thanks, Jimmy." "100 + 50 - 10..." "Come on!" " ..is 140." "Yeah, I think we can all see that." "140 x 6 = 840" "Yes." "Fine." "And 840 - 2 = 838" "I would quite like to become a courtroom artist." "There, I've said it." "Because you get to get paid to do drawings, which is fun, and, nowadays, you get to meet all the people you loved as a kid on TV." "That's a very good point well made." "The scores at the moment are - Sean and Vic have six," "Jon and Bob have seven." "Here is your teaser." "The words are BLUE DONG." "The clue is - beat it repeatedly." "That's" " BLUE DONG." "Beat it repeatedly." "See you after the break." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Welcome back, the answer to the teaser - the words were BLUE DONG." "The clue was - beat it repeatedly." "It was, of course, BLUDGEON." "So, Jon and Bob are in the lead." "OK, time to mix things up a little bit." "They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Vic and Bob." "So, Vic your turn to choose the letters." "A consonant, please." " Thank you, Vic." "S" "And a vowel." "A" "And a consonant." "C" "And another consonant, for heaven's sake." "D" "Consonant." "M" "Vowel, please." "E" "Vowel." "O" "Can I get a consonant?" "F" "And a vowel." " Sac Me Off." "LAUGHTER" "U" "Exactly what I was hoping for." " OK." "And your time starts now." "MUSIC:" "The Wedding March" "I now pronounce you dog and bitch." "LAUGHTER" "You're a married man, now." "Bob, what did you get?" "How many?" " Five, thank you." " Vic?" " Six." "Bob, your five?" "Is CODES." "CODES." " You can't even be bothered." "She can't be bothered to get off her stool." "You were right there, Rachel." "Not worth your bother." "Vic?" " MEDUSA." "Yes." "Fantastic, it's a jellyfish." "Not the snaky woman?" " No." "It's a jellyfish, brilliant." " I had that." " Very good." "Could they have done any better?" " You could have FOCUSED for seven." "FOCUSED." " I'm very FOCUSED, right now." " You are." "Jimmy, could you take off your suit?" "It's all right." "I'll do it in my head, I'll do it in my head." "Carry on." "OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Bob have 7," "Sean and Vic are in the lead with 12." "OK." "On to our next numbers round." "Bob, your turn to choose the numbers." "I'll have all small ones, thanks." " Are you sure?" " Yeah." " Are you sure, Bob?" "Because it will make it really hard." " Well, I find it hard enough anyway." "LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH" "I see." " I'm much more familiar with the smaller numbers." "We're only going up to 10, so you should be fine." "9, 8, 4." "10." "Another 10." "And 3." "and the target...674." "OK, and your time starts now." "Jimmy, could you..." "Can you turn round that way and just look over your shoulder?" "So, your body's that way..." "Stop." "And then look back over at me." "Yeah, that's perfect." "Just keep that look." "Thank you." "Could you look less worried?" "More..." "Yeah, sultry." "Sultry." "Nice." "Jon, don't move a muscle, but the pen..." "LAUGHTER" "Very accurate, these things." "So, anyway..." "Jon?" "Jon, what did you get?" " Jack shit." "You didn't get it?" " No." "OK, Bob?" " I got 682." " Close enough." "Vic, how did you do?" " I got it bang on." " Bang on?" "674." "Sean?" "I got 656." "OK." "Vic, how did you do it?" "OK. 8 x 10 = 800" "It's 80." "That was my first mistake." "LAUGHTER" "Did you do that?" " I did exactly the same." " Can I just carry on?" "Could I just carry on?" "Because I know I've got the rest of it right even though I got that wrong." "80 x 10 8 x 10 = 800 Right?" " Yeah, sure." "9 x 10 = 90 9... yeah." " Add that together." "890." " It comes to 810." "Add the 4 and add the 3 and you get 817." "That is technically the worst that anyone's ever done." "You couldn't be more wrong in every single aspect of what you did there." "Bob, how did you get 682?" "Well, here it goes." "10 x 8 = 80 x 10 = 800" "Yeah?" " Yeah." "9 x 4 = 36 x 3 = 118" "108" "VIC LAUGHS" "Sorry." " Take that off the 700 that you previously had." "It's 800, I think, that you previously had." "Ach." " You got close." "Pretty close." "Did you manage to do it, Rachel?" "You could have done... 10 x 9 = 90" "Minus the 4 and minus the 3 for 83." "Times by 8 for 664." "And add the other 10. 674." "APPLAUSE" "OK, well, no points to anyone there." "So, Jon and Bob have 7, Sean and Vic are in the lead with 12." "OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner." "Jack, what have you got for us?" "How's the sketching going?" " Yeah, the sketching's going well." "I have two." "The first of which I have done live and the second of which I prepared earlier and have just done the finishing touches to." " OK." "That's the first one of Jimmy." "There we are." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "See, I've given you a six-pack." "Just to be flattering, I've given you a six-pack." " Lovely, yeah." "My nipple there?" "My left nipple?" " Susie told me that." "She said you had a little pierced nipple, so I popped on the pierced nipple." "It's quite a smooth..." "That is the correct anatomical representation of you, is it not?" "Also the way he's reclining, it looks like he's in a kid's car seat." "Like he's just got into someone's car and just sat there naked waiting for them to come back from the shops, like that." "None of this actually happened, it is a sketch." "Can I borrow your pen?" "Oh, no." "Don't do that." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH" "I'm very happy with that." "Susie, I can only apologise." "I realise you're one of the leading lexicographers in the country." " Please don't." "Would you like to see the second one?" " Yeah." "The second one I prepared earlier, but I've just done the finishing touches to." "This is another one of Jimmy." "There we are." "Peachy little tush there, eh?" " Thank you very much." "Is he holding a bin bag, Jack?" " Yeah." "Having a shit in a bin bag." "LAUGHTER" "That's what it's called." "No-one else saw that shot of Kim Kardashian and went," ""Is she shitting in a bin bag?"" "Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall." " Thank you." " Our artist in residence." "APPLAUSE" "Here is your teaser, the words are..." "VIC YA TIT." "The clue is - Things could get lively." "That's VIC YA TIT." "Things could get lively." "See you after the break." "APPLAUSE" "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser - the words were VIC YA TIT." "The clue was - things could get lively." "It was, of course, ACTIVITY." "OK, before we go on, he doesn't work here any more but he keeps on turning up." "Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe Wilkinson." "APPLAUSE" "Joe, what's going on?" "Erm..." "I'll be honest with you, Jimmy." "I'm in a bit of a bad mood." "LAUGHTER" "Get a bit pissed off, and this is what happens." "Don't know why it happens, but it always does." "I drink quite a lot of radioactive waste." "So, why are you in a bad mood?" "Are you taking the piss?" "!" "Fuckin' hell, mate." "I'm in a bad mood, cos you fired me." "That's why I ripped the door off your car." "Yeah, been drinking a lot of radioactive waste." "It's given me some special powers." "Like the old, er..." "A bit of the ol' strength." "But I've got a few others, as well." "Like, I've got X-ray vision now." "I can see through clothes and that." "HE GAGS" " Oh, God...!" "LAUGHTER" "Oh, I can't look at you." "HE GAGS" "But I've got a few others, as well, I could show you - special powers I've developed over the last few weeks." "Fabio, do you want to come..,?" "Remember my half-brother Fabio?" "Oh, yeah, I should point out, when I get angry, I go green." "And when he gets confused, he goes orange." "LAUGHTER" "He looks a really fit Wotsit." "LAUGHTER" "But I've got quite a few new skills... (Go on, fuck off.)" "LAUGHTER" "If you don't tell him, he'll just stand there." "Do you remember Uri Geller?" "Used to be able to bend spoons with his mind?" "Yeah." "Well, I can do the same thing with guttering." "LAUGHTER" "You know, that's one of my things." "Erm..." "One of the other things I can do - you'll like this, Rachel - wherever I point... an eggcup appears." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Not that useful, that one." "Let's play Countdown!" "LAUGHTER" "OK, on with the game." "Jon and Bob, your turn to choose the letters." "Do you want glass of wine, Rachel?" "Yeah, go on, then." "LAUGHTER" "Sorry, I don't know my own strength." "There's none in that one!" "APPLAUSE" "Jon and Bob, go on, pick some letters." "Let's have a consonant, please." "L" "And a vowel, please." "I'll do the vowels." " OK." "Oh, sorry." "Take a step, take a step." "E" "Another consonant, please." "W" "And a vowel, please." "O" "And a consonant, please." "R" "And another consonant, please." "LOUD THUD" " It just landed." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "I'm going to smash your place up in a minute." "Come on." "Vowel, please." "I" "Er, and a consonant." "You'll have a fucking vowel, mate!" "E" "Still in a bit of a mood, if I'm honest." "I am definitely having a consonant now." "T" "Thank you." "OK, and your time starts now." "Bob, how did you do?" "I haven't got anything." "OK." "Jon, what have you got?" "Six." " Six, OK." "Vic?" "Six!" "Sean?" "I think it's a six." "OK, well, let's hear your risky six." "Well, it's one of those words that's a foreign word that's used... definitely in American English - WIENER." "Yeah." " WIENER." "How are you spelling it?" "Don't say that." "W..." "I-E-N-E-R" "SUSIE:" "Excellent." "Do you want all three meanings?" " Yes, I would." "A small sausage." "Oh, Jimmy!" "A man's penis." "Or a stupid, boring or contemptible person." "Oh, my God, I'm all three - yes!" "APPLAUSE" "Vic, your six?" "TROWEL." " Oh, that's good!" "It's good." " Yeah." "TROWEL." "TROWEL is good." "Jon, your six?" "TROWEL" "Not so good." "OK, six points to both teams." "APPLAUSE" "Jack, Susie, could they have done any better?" "Yeah, we had WINTER." "Which is a season." "TOWLINE" "Yep." "That's a seven." "Which is..." " Which is a line for towing." "Uh..." " TOWNIE." "Someone from a town." " I thought you'd like TOWNIE." "Or TOWIE which is a..." "collection of twats." "LAUGHTER" "OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Vic are in the lead with 18 points." "APPLAUSE" "So, Jack, you've drawn me - beautifully, I might say..." "What are you going to work on next?" "Well, I thought maybe next, if I may, I could paint Susie." "Cool, OK." " Are you up for that?" " Definitely." "I'll keep it a little bit cleaner, obviously, than what I did with Jimmy." "But I'd love to paint you, if that's OK?" "Great." " Thank you." "It's an honour to be painted." "One of those things." "OK, on to another numbers game." "Sean and Vic, you're picking the numbers." "Two from the top, four from everywhere else." "Two from the top, four little." "Number 9, number 3, 1, 5 and then 25 and 75." "And the target - 950." "OK, and your time starts now." "Ah, what have you got?" "I've only just finished writing' them down!" "OK." "9 x 100 = 900, right?" "+ 50 = 950" "It's right, isn't it?" "Bob, did you get it?" "No, I got what I was after, which was 975." "I've made an error there." "OK, Sean, what did you get?" "I got 936." "You've got three shillings here!" "OK, Jon, What did you get?" " 950." "OK, how did you get 950?" "Erm... 9 + 1 + 3 9 + 1 + 3 = 13 x 75" "975 25" "950!" "10 points to Jon!" "APPLAUSE" "OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner where Jack is painting Susie Dent." "How is that going?" "Yeah..." "There we are!" "LAUGHTER" "You look lovely." "What am I?" "A sort of lopsided tiger." "It hasn't quite worked out." "Makes you look a lot younger." "Would you like me to paint your face?" "No." "Can I just do one thing?" " OK." "Because I think this would be very befitting." "I'd like Daliesque moustache." "No, I think what you need is this." "Then put on your glasses and you'll look like a really washed-up old Harry Potter." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "OK, the scores at the moment " "Sean and Vic have 18, Jon and Bob have 23, and here is your teaser." "The words are BUM DATER." "The clue is - give it a tap." "That's BUM DATER - give it a tap." "See you after the break." "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser, the words were BUM DATER - the clue was, "Give it a tap." It was of course DRUMBEAT." "Ah!" "LAUGHTER" "JACK:" "Jimmy, when people tune in, they might think Susie's lashed out at me." "LAUGHTER" "I'm sorry I got the word wrong!" "Please don't do it again, Susie!" "OK, on with the game." "Sean and Vic, your turn to choose the letters." "Go on, Vic, fill your boots." " Er, consonant, please." "There you go." "That one's an N." "N!" " A vowel." "It's yours." "HE GROWLS:" "O!" "LAUGHTER" "A consonant." "Consonant." " You doing it?" " GRUNTS:" "Ha...!" "Huh!" "Consonant." "Huh!" "R-ah!" "LAUGHTER" "Consonant." "SEAN LAUGHS" "Huh-ah!" "P" "Consonant." "Ah-R!" "Vowel!" "Ah-I!" "Vowel." "A" "Oh, another vowel." "Thank you." " RACHEL:" "Go on, Joe." "SEAN:" "E." "And your time starts now." "JOE:" "No genitals!" "LAUGHTER" " That is the downside." "That is the downside." "Just a warning, guys." "Just a warning." "LAUGHTER" "Vic, how many?" " Six." "Sean?" " Er..." "One, two, three, four, five, six." " What the hell is that?" "LIKE "PRAIRIE":" "PRAIRE." "VIC LAUGHS" "Jon, how many?" " Seven." "OK, and Bob?" " Six." " OK, Bob, what was your, er...?" " PRAIRE!" "LAUGHTER" "BOB:" "What?" "APPLAUSE Yeah, he has." "Ha-ha-ha!" "How are you spelling PRAIRE?" "P-R-A-I-R-E." "SUSIE LAUGHS" "BOB:" "No?" " You need two Is." " Ugh!" "So Sean, you had PRAIRE also?" "No!" "LAUGHTER" "Vic, what'd you get?" "A RHIONE!" " OK, RHIONE." "How are you spelling RHIONE?" "R-H-I-O-N-E." "Er...no." " LAUGHTER" "OK, Jon, what is your seven?" "Er, PHONIER." " SUSIE:" "Ah!" "That is superb." "APPLAUSE" " Seven points to Jon!" "Could they have done any better?" "Jack and Susie?" "You could've had HORNIER." " We were HORNIER." " Yeah!" "Or ORPHAN." " OK, so at the end of that," "Jon and Bob are in the lead with 30 points!" "APPLAUSE" "Er, Jon, how is your hen do going?" "Cos it doesn't feel like it's been a particularly raucous stag do for you." " No, I've enjoyed it." "Stag, stag, stag!" "Lads, lads, lads, lads, lads, lads, lads!" "LAUGHTER" "I'm having a breakdown, Jimmy!" "I just want to get the conundrum." "YOU'RE having a breakdown?" "Look at Panda Boy!" "LAUGHTER" "Why have you...?" "Why are you now a panda?" "Well, because I went from a battered husband to being a panda." "It's an easy one to make." "LAUGHTER" " There's just one eye in it." "OK...!" " What?" "!" " LAUGHTER" "Fingers on buzzers, time for today's Countdown Conundrum." "Your time starts now!" "LAUGHTER" "BELL" "KNOWINGLY" "VIC:" "Whoa!" "Let's have a look!" "VIC:" "Sean Lock!" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" " Oh!" "So, the final scores are Sean and Vic have 28 points, but tonight's winners with 30 points," "Jon and Bob!" "CHEERING" " Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of this Countdown swingball set!" "CHEERING" " Come on." "Jon and Bob, come on up." "BOB:" "You want us to play, Jimmy?" " Yeah, sure." "Thanks to our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to you for watching at home." "That's it from us." "Good night!" "CHEERING" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"