"Good morning, senor." "Might I have the tiniest drop of milk in my tea, please?" "When." "When!" "What do you mean, when?" "I do it now." "Crazy man." "Excuse me, miss." "Miss!" "Great party last night!" "Oh, it's been ages since I had a good boogie." "Yes, your naked conga was certainly an ice-breaker." "The human centipede." "Works every time." "It's a shame the Costa Blanca Citizen doesn't share your enthusiasm." "Oh, dear." "Under the new management of Joyce" " Thimble" " Savage..." "I ask you!" "The Solana is fast developing a reputation as the Fawlty Towers of the Costa Blanca." "Injured guests, broken rooms, and sordid pool parties are showing Benidorm in the worst possible light." "Well, we've been coming for over 20 years and we've always been fully satisfied, haven't we, darling?" "Oh, yes." "At least once a day." "This is a disaster." "One more foul-up and I could lose my job." "If there's anything we can do to... release the pressure a little, just let us know." "It's Mr and Mrs Stewart, isn't it?" "Donald and Jacqueline, please." "Can I rely on your discretion?" "Absolutely." "We never kiss and tell." "Would you mind coming to my personal quarters after breakfast?" "I've got something in mind that..." "I'd quite like to try out." "I think we'd find that most agreeable." "We did have you pegged as someone who was... curious." "I'm more than curious." "Make sure you're not followed." "Walls have ears." "See?" "I told you she was one of us!" "At last it's worthy of the name 'all-inclusive'!" "Si." "Excuse me." "Rude pig!" "Have you decided what you're going to wear today, Mam?" "I'm not wearing a bloody burka!" "It's not like a proper wedding, is it?" "What do you mean?" "You're just going through the motions." "You're only doing it for the money, aren't you?" "Does that mean I don't have to come?" "I've warned you about that cheek!" "Whatever." "Mr Mohammed is doing this out of the kindness of his heart." "So that I can inherit Mel's money without months of court appearances and legal fees." "The least we can do is respect his culture and his religion." "There you go, son." "Just like that!" "Uh huh huh huh!" "Where did you get them?" "Chinese shop." "We've got to make Mohammed feel at home." "If he's going to take the piss, I'd rather he didn't come." "It's traditional Moroccan dress!" "My wife and I were married in a toilet." "It was a marriage of convenience!" "Take it off." "We just want a nice, simple ceremony." "Get the marriage certificate and then transfer the money as quick as possible." "It's a lot to take in." "Let her go on the honeymoon." "Get to know the other wives." "What other wives?" "He's allowed eight." "He's got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday." "Where does that leave me?" "Halloween?" "Right." "If that's your attitude, you can frig off." "I don't want any of you at the ceremony." "I can sort out my own affairs, thank you." "And don't come crawling to me for a handout once I've got my inheritance." "Because you'll be rubbing on an empty lamp." "Oh, well done." "I was trying to lighten the mood." "Just stay out of her way today, Mick." "I don't think she wants you at this wedding." "We were going to be witnesses." "I'll go by myself." "But I've got..." "Forget it!" "You two amuse yourselves for the day and I will deal with the crap, as usual." "Well, I think that went according to plan." "Does that mean we can watch the footie?" "Looks like it, son." "Barca versus Real Madrid, two o'clock at the Heartbreak Bar." "Our work here is done!" "I told you the hats was a good idea." "Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married." "The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant." "Uh huh huh!" "Have you nearly finished in t'bathroom, Trudy?" "I think I'm going to vom." "Oh, I had a visit from the beer badger last night." "You know, the one that nicks all your money then craps in your mouth." "God, I feel rough." "Ugh!" "What the hell happened last night?" "I remember snogging Liam and then jumping in t'pool." "What time did we get to bed?" "About half-past two." "Jesus!" "Morning, lover." "Got any mouthwash?" "That's showing intensh!" "What did you hear?" "Nothing." "I just mean your tone of voice, your body language." "You keep your eyes off my body." "All right, pal." "None of my beeswax." "But remember, a problem shared is a problem halved." "What do you mean?" "If you let me in, maybe I can halve your problem." "You have my problem?" "No, no, I HALVE your problem." "Why do you want to have my problem?" "You have enough problems of your own." "I know." "Have you never heard the phrase 'a shoulder to cry on'?" "No." "It means I can help you." "I can give you succour." "Ugh!" "Hey, what is this?" "No sexy in the workplace." "No, no, man." "I don't mean..." "I mean, if you open up to me..." "Oh, that's enough!" "Excuse me!" "I can help you, man!" "No!" "But I can!" "Hey!" "Oh, shove it up your arse!" "Ai ai ai!" "Womens!" "Leche?" "Yeah, she is!" "But working with me, who can blame him?" "I'm glad we spruced up for the occasion." "She's obviously got high standards." "She's a classy lady, all right." "You don't get to serve in First Class without a certain amount of grooming." "Do you think she'll mind poking back through the curtains into Economy?" "!" "Only one way to find out!" "Come in." "Please take a seat." "Oh, have we come at a bad time?" "What do you mean?" "Well, all the mess." "What mess?" "Agh!" "Oh!" "Shall we get straight down to business?" "Good idea." "Oh, yes!" "Do you want to start with Donald and I'll join in when I see an opening?" "No, no, I'd like to involve you both from the off." "If you're amenable." "Absolutely." "May as well grasp the nettle with both hands." "The fact is, since I arrived here, I've had nothing but bad publicity from the local press to the internet forums." "Articles such as these have been impairing my plan to turn the complex around." "The point is, I am being deliberately undermined." "And I am determined to crack down on the culprit with all my might." "Do you think this is a role play?" "I'm not sure." "As you'll see from the cuttings, the Citizen seems very well informed about our misfortune." "And they all quote 'a Solana insider' as being the source." "You think you have a mole." "Exactly!" "And I want you to help me smoke them all out." "I wouldn't use smoke." "They do laser removal nowadays." "I've had a flick through the personnel files." "And I've come up with these suspects." "Mateo Castellanos." "Works mainly in..." "Well, I say works." "He's typically Spanish." "If it isn't siesta or fiesta, he's not interested." "We're familiar with him from previous visits." "Nasty piece of work." "Les Conroy." "AKA Lesley." "Possibly in league with his son Liam." "Go on." "Kenneth Du Beke." "Runs the Solana salon." "Now unfortunately known as Blow And Go." "We've clashed from day one and I suspect it's personal with him." "I normally get on with the gays." "It's more or less compulsory on the airlines." "But he seems immune to my many charms." "I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him." "Which, needless to say, wouldn't be very far." "Is she ever going to take her clothes off?" "I'm losing the will to live." "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to gather intelligence on the four of them." "Shouldn't take long in his case." "And help me to finger the mole once and for all." "We don't really approve of using animals." "Ever since that incident with Big Donna's guinea pig and the clingfilm." "I'll handle this, Jacqueline, thank you." "I can tell you now we're not interested." "Kenneth is a close, personal friend of ours." "If you think we're about to go snooping around..." "I can offer you a free week's holiday next year." "Plus 200 Euros spending money." "We're in." "You're looking very pleased with yourself." "Like the cat who got the cream." "What have you been up to?" "I spoke to Troy first thing this morning." "We made up." "There's no sweeter moment than when an argument finally dissipates into the ether." "You've obviously led a very sheltered life." "Did you tell him about your shenanigans on the beach?" "Yes." "I made a clean breast of it." "He just chuckled and said, 'I guess that makes us even, then." "We both snogged a Spanish waiter.'" "Troy's been at it as well?" "Bloody hell!" "You're worse than Donald and Jacqueline, you two." "That was the first time we were here." "I caught him in a drunken clinch with Wolverine over there." "What, Mateo?" "Yes." "He's a secret whoopsie?" "!" "I can't get my head round that." "I think that's what Troy said." "Weren't you angry?" "I was furious!" "He knew I had a thing for Hugh Jackman." "But Troy made me laugh about it so much, I couldn't stay mad at him." "When you've been with someone so long, the way Troy and I have been, you can overcome these petty arguments." "There's a real foundation keeping things strong." "It's not like some men who just rush into..." "You're absolutely sure nothing happened?" "She just fell through the door and onto her couch." "Then rolled onto her coffee table." "Then she went into the kitchen five times before finding the bedroom, where she fell between the two beds and into her suitcase." "It was like watching a Norman Wisdom film in slow motion." "What were you doing all this time?" "Laughing." "Mainly." "We had a snog." "But I'd never go out with Sam." "We're more like brother and sister." "She's coming." "We're going to play a little trick on her." "Go along with whatever I say." "It seems a bit cruel." "How dare you do that to my friend?" "!" "What?" "!" "You know what, you little toe rag!" "You can get yourself down to the shops and get one!" "Do you hear me?" "What's going on?" "Tell her." "I don't want to!" "Tell her what you did last night!" "No, you tell her!" "All right." "He slept with you without protection." "What?" "!" "I've told him he is a dirty little scumbag!" "No, I never!" "What?" "You never needed it?" "!" "Typical man." "Wham bam, wipe it on the curtains." "And then leave it to the woman to pick up all the pieces." "Is this true, Liam?" "You've got Venetian blinds!" "God." "I don't remember any of this." "I need to sit down." "I've told him to get his arse down the chemist and pick you up a pregnancy test." "They don't show up this early." "Do they?" "The Spanish ones do." "They're extra sensitive." "Go ahead, soft lad!" "What are you waiting for?" "This is a joke, isn't it?" "Are you kidding?" "!" "It's the best laugh I've had all holiday!" "Only it seems a bit mean..." "Agh!" "How dare you?" "!" "No, I will not pretend it's all a joke!" "Sam is a friend of mine!" "Do you have to keep doing that?" "!" "Yeah, it's funny." "It makes it more believable." "Go on!" "Girls from Liverpool have a strange sense of humour." "I don't know what to do with myself today." "Go and cut some hairs." "No, Carmen's got that covered." "But I haven't got any appointments until this afternoon." "Oh, I was thinking about taking a stroll in the old town tonight, if you fancy it." "No, is not possible." "There's a new bar opening up." "Eat, Drink, And Be Mary." "I could blag us a couple of tickets." "I've got a very good contact at the Costa Blanca Citizen." "We have an arrangement." "I cannot do this." "I have to see a man about a dog." "Now bar is closed." "Stop it." "You book an appointment with Kenneth." "I'll put a tail on the... donkey." "OK." "Shall I follow him to the gay bar?" "If you need to." "Roger and out." "No, I don't think it was called that." "Come on, Mam." "I told Maureen we'd be downstairs by half-past." "What's it to do with her?" "I've asked her to be a witness." "Mick's gone walkabout, has he?" "Bloody typical!" "I asked him not to come." "I'm not being horrible, I just want this over and done with." "How do I look?" "Oh, Mam." "You look like a princess." "Good." "That's exactly what Mel would have wanted." "You are only doing this for effect, aren't you?" "Of course I am." "If I turned up on my wedding day in a swimsuit and wedges, they'd all smell a rat straight away." "You go on down." "Stop mithering." "I want to get my top-knot straight." "All right." "Your wish is my command." "Here we go." "Husband number three." "Madge Delilah..." "Mohammed." "I am doing the right thing, aren't I?" "I know you'd have wanted me to have that money." "And whatever I spend it on, it will be something in memory of you, my angel." "Now enough of that." "I'm not going to do this bloody make-up again." "Not for you or any man." "Wish me luck." "Why are we supporting Barcelona?" "They stuffed United twice for the Champions' League final." "What more do you want?" "I like Ronaldo." "Michael!" "We brought you up better than that." "It's Garvey on the ball!" "Garvey takes it on!" "Dad!" "He tricks him and he shoots and he scores for England!" "Have you still got that spending money your mam gave you?" "Yeah." "Right." "Get yourself a can of pop." "Oh, and while you're there, get your dad a cold pint of lager." "Good lad." "You're such a tight-wad." "And some nuts!" "Heee-eey!" "Hey!" "Gotcha!" "Mick!" "What are you doing here?" "Watching the footie, same as you." "What's this, Dutch courage?" "No." "It's non-alcoholic." "I won't say anything if you don't." "If I was marrying Madge, I'd want to be half-pissed!" "What's this, pork scratchings?" "Not very kosher, is it?" "That belongs to my friends." "They don't speak English." "I thought you'd hardly been here before." "Make friends quick, don't you?" "Yes." "Benidorm is a friendly place." "It certainly is." "Cheers." "I thought you were on bar duty." "I have business." "This is your business!" "You're supposed to work here." "If I was running this place..." "Luckily, you are not." "What if somebody wants a drink?" "You open the bar." "I can't open the bar, man." "I'm manning Reception." "I don't think you could man anything, Lady Gagas." "Cheeky sod." "All right, Liam?" "Yeah." "Have a good night last night?" "Why are you interrogating me?" "I'm not a nancy war criminal!" "Uh-oh." "My nan is not going to like this." "You'd better get going soon, hadn't you?" "Yes." "Must not keep the bride waiting." "You've dug us out of a hole, mate, I promise you." "If it weren't for that money, dread to think what would have happened to us." "Mel used to own the Benidorm Palace." "A very successful businessman." "Yeah." "WAS being the operative word." "When he died, he was in debt up to his little yellow eyeballs." "Dad." "Oh, cheers, son." "So Madge is penniless too?" "Mm." "More or less." "Well, she was till she met you." "Now I understand." "I am relieved you told me this." "I must be going." "Ma'a as-salaama." "Yep." "Same to you with knobs on!" "Dad!" "What?" "Mohammed is not who he says he is." "He's a hotdog in disguise." "Excuse me." "Yes, can I help you?" "I wish to put my name forward for the karaoke tonight." "Fine." "You'll have your usual table." "No, I mean to sing." "I wish to sing a song in karaoke." "Well, it's normally first come first served." "It's not like having a hip replacement." "There isn't a nine months waiting list." "I just wanted to make sure I was chosen." "I haven't done this sort of thing before." "I'm surprised you want to now." "If I had it my way, it would be trained cabaret artists only." "But when in Benidorm..." "Precisely." "I've written out the lyrics, if that's any help." "No need." "Just have a word with the karaoke host." "He'll sort you out." "Thank you." "There you go." "Ooh, you make Jackie Onassis look like SuBo." "Thanks." "You should do some advertising, you know." "Reach out to more customers." "Funny you should say that." "I've been promised a quarter-page in the Costa Blanca Citizen for, shall we say, services rendered." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "It's amazing what some people will do for free lowlights and a Dutch braid!" "See you!" "Want me to take one of you, pet?" "Oh, yes, please." "It's just to show Donald where I've had my hair done." "Say vodka!" "Vodka!" "There you go." "I'd better get back to work before the Iron Lady spots me." "Bit of a slave-driver, is she?" "She's firm but fair." "Like the Japanese." "I bet you could do her job just as easy." "Maybe, but who needs that amount of stress?" "Besides, there's a lot of men don't like taking orders from a woman, you know." "See you later." "♪ Nice girls, not one with a defect" "♪ Cellophane shrink-wrapped, so correct" "♪ Red dogs under illegal legs" "♪ She looks so good" "All right!" "Quick, Michael!" "♪ She's watching the detectives" "♪ Ooh, he's so cute" "♪ She's watching the detectives" "♪ When they shoot" "♪ Shoot, shoot, shoot" "♪ They beat him up till the teardrops start" "♪ But he can't be wounded cos he's got no heart" "♪ Long shot of that jumping sign" "♪ Visible shivers running down my spine" "♪ Cut the baby taking off her clothes" "♪ Close-up of the sign that says 'we never close'" "♪ You snatch a tune, you match a cigarette" "♪ She pulls the eyes out with a face like a magnet" "♪ I don't know how much more of this I can take" "♪ She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake" "♪ She's watching the detectives" "♪ Oh, he's so cute" "♪ She's watching the detectives ♪" "Oh!" "You all right?" "There!" "♪ But he can't be wounded cos he's got no heart" "♪ You think you're alone until you realise you're in it" "♪ Now fear is here to stay" "♪ Love is here for a visit" "♪ They call it instant justice when it's past the legal limit" "♪ Someone's scratching at the window" "♪ I wonder, who is it?" "♪" "Town hall, please." "You all right, Sam?" "I can't go!" "Put the taps on!" "Imagine a waterfall gushing down into a trickling stream." "You're making me want to go." "This is the funniest thing ever." "She really believes it!" "Can we not just tell her it's a wind-up?" "I feel rotten." "Wait until she does the test first." "Eh, I can't wait to see her face!" "Did you wash your hands?" "Yeah." "Good." "Look, Sam..." "He's going to stick by you." "Whatever happens." "Aren't you?" "Aren't you?" "Yes!" "Yeah." "Good." "Because it's positive." "Do you want to wait inside?" "You can sit down." "I'm fine where I am, thank you." "Let them laugh." "I'm the one who's going to be fifty grand richer." "You look like the woman in that American comedy in the 1960s." "I Dream Of Jeannie." "The Addams Family." "Give us a ciggie, Mam." "Now that's one bad habit I never did take up." "Thank goodness." "It makes your clothes stink, your fingers yellow." "And it fills your lungs up with guitar." "It's two minutes of pleasure, Noreen." "Believe me, I'll take it where I can get it at the moment." "Look what the cat's dragged in!" "I thought you weren't coming." "I've got some bad news." "What have you done now?" "!" "I haven't done anything!" "Give me a chance to explain!" "We ran into Mohammed at a bar in town." "Where is he, then?" "Madge..." "He's not coming." "What do you mean, he's not coming?" "What have you said to him?" "He's a conman." "I doubt his name's even Mohammed." "I saw him on the telly." "He's an actor." "He was playing a part with us." "He was just after your money." "I haven't got any friggin' money!" "He didn't know that." "He thought you were a rich widow." "You'd have to pay him off to get divorced." "I never trusted him from the moment we set eyes on him." "You kept that quiet!" "No, I said it about 50 times." "You couldn't bear it that I had a nice young lad wanted to marry me while you're stuck with that useless streak of piss." "Hang on a minute!" "You poisoned him against me." "Made up all those wicked lies." "Shall we just go back home?" "No!" "I'm going to find Mohammed and he can tell me what's going on once and for all!" "We followed him." "Come on!" "No point going down there." "He got a taxi." "Where did you see him?" "Do you know, I've been holding this rice for so long I think it's cooked!" "Oh, well, waste not want not." "I've been through all the evidence and I can honestly say I'm none the wiser." "They all look to be up to no good." "Maybe they're all doing it together, like in that film." "Murder On The Orient Express." "I was thinking of Grimsby Gang Bang." "No, my little grey cells tell me this is the work of an individual." "We've got to go over everything again." "There must be something we missed." "Do we have to?" "I'm sweating cobs in here." "No solid leads." "What we need is a Deep Throat." "I thought you wanted to get on with this?" "!" "I mean an informant." "A whistle-blower." "I say, that's a bit queer." "Take a look at this." "Something here doesn't add up." "Oh, yeah!" "Eh, you don't think..." "Looks that way." "You go and jump in the bath." "I'll make a couple of phone calls." "I'll join you presently." "Oh, Donald, you are clever!" "Elementary, my dear Jacqueline." "Then there was Kevin." "Worked at Stalybridge Argos." "Lousy in bed but wonderful breakfasts." "And then..." "Ah, two birds with one stone." "Could you join me in my private quarters for a staff meeting?" "Sorry, we're not staff." "Blow And Go is an independent retail outlet." "What I have to say does concern you all the same." "There'll be a glass of Tio Pepe and some pass their sell-by dry-roasted peanuts." "Ooh, she knows my Achilles heel." "Come on, then." "Come on, Carmen." "Are you sure the test was positive?" "You saw it." "It was definitely a line." "♪ I'll Stand By You" "Hiya." "Can I sit down?" "Yeah." "I want to go through a few names with you." "How do you feel about Brioche?" "You know, like the cake." "I think it's lovely." "Listen, Sam." "I've been thinking about the situation." "And..." "I'm going to stick by you." "Whatever you need, I'll support you." "Thanks, Liam." "But I won't live in sin." "You know that, don't you?" "What?" "Y-You want to get married?" "Oh..." "I wouldn't rush into things." "Why not?" "How does he even know if the baby's his?" "Are you calling me a slag?" "No." "But if it was Liam's, it wouldn't show up on a test the day after." "You said it would." "I was joking." "He didn't even sleep with you." "We were having you on!" "Is this true?" "She made me do it." "I thought it would be funny." "Sam, I'm so sorry." "I'm really gutted for you." "But that baby is not Liam's." "It must be Charlie's, then." "Who's Charlie?" "Her." "Did you think I were born yesterday?" "I heard you whispering all afternoon." "Some friends you turned out to be." "I met Charlie by the pool." "She gave me a cup of her pee to do the test with." "The joke's on you, dickheads!" "So you don't want to marry me, then." "Not in a million years." "Cheers!" "You were double-bluffing us!" "That's class, girl." "What about her?" "She were the one that thought of it." "Who got you that drink?" "You did." "Yeah." "I brought the glass down with me from our bathroom." "Guess what was in that glass earlier this afternoon." "I thought you liked taking the piss, Trudy." "Another round?" "Where the bloody hell are we?" "It's like Disneyland in the olden days." "Travel back in time to a medieval court." "Watch brave knights fight for the honour of their queen." "They've got a torture chamber disco downstairs." "Does that mean you're doing the karaoke?" "Ha bloody ha." "Four, please." "Cheers, cock." "Come on." "Let's go in." "Keep your eyes peeled for Mohammed." "He's probably a waiter." "Could be a knight." "More like one of the bloody horses." "Keep looking." "Have you seen him, Mam?" "So do you think there is any inheritance money?" "Or did he make it all up?" "How the bloody hell should I know?" "Do I look like Doris Stokes?" "Don't." "He had Mel's cigarette case, that's all I know." "He didn't find that in the street, did he?" "!" "How do you know?" "Dad." "What?" "He was working here all along?" "!" "The cheating bastard!" "Here, you!" "Where's my Mel's money?" "Aaghh!" "Come back here!" "Where's my Mel's money?" "Where is my Mel's money?" "Aaaghh!" "Where are you?" "Madge!" "Liar!" "You bastard!" "You can't get away from me!" "Madge!" "I'm coming after you!" "I'll get you!" "I'll get you!" "I'm coming!" "I'm after you!" "Mam!" "I'll get you!" "Come on!" "Where is he?" "Come back here!" "So this is how the other half live." "Very nice." "Mind you, a quick blast around with a Dyson wouldn't have gone amiss." "Are you coveting my apartment, Lesley?" "Or are you coveting my position perhaps?" "Sherry?" "Thank you." "Why you have photos of us?" "It's employee of the month." "One of us is in line for a bonus." "Not quite." "Oh!" "More guests." "Sorry we're late." "Just tying up a few loose ends." "What are they doing here?" "I thought this was a meeting for staff only." "They are staff, in a manner of speaking." "I've become aware, during my brief spell in charge here, that somebody in this room is trying to undermine my position." "So Joyce asked us to carry out an investigation as to who the mole might be." "And we've made a few surprising discoveries along the way." "Oh, this is crazy talk." "I don't have to stay here and listen to this." "That's a shame because we've got some really good photographs to show everyone." "What photographs?" "The ones you paid Officer Martinez 250 Euros to keep out of the public domain." "But sadly, you are closing the stable door once the horse, he has shot his bolt." "My wife, she must never see these pictures." "We were quite surprised when we saw them." "And we're broad-minded." "Oh, what have you been up to, you mucky mare?" "I tell you already, do not poke around in my business!" "It is all your fault anyway." "What is?" "This." "I haven't got my glasses." "Is it Barbra Streisand?" "This is a different kind of funny girl." "I'd heard he was 50% Colwyn Bay." "Our friend here was arrested last year for soliciting." "It was a misunderstanding." "I think you look lovely." "Yes, and at least you can't get her in the family way." "No, it wasn't me." "It wasn't you who bought the pregnancy testing kit from the pharmacia at 13:46 today?" "You dropped the receipt in Reception." "Yeah, that was me." "But it was a joke." "We were winding Sam up." "It was nothing sinister." "What other jokes have you been playing, I wonder." "You leave my son out of this or else." "Or else what?" "You'll go to the press?" "Perhaps you should have a word with Kenneth." "He's very chummy with the advertising director of the Costa Blanca Citizen." "N'est-ce pas?" "What?" "We just talk about our job, that's all." "Right, you've proved your point." "We've all got an axe to grind." "Yes, but only one of you was caught holding a smoking gun." "We've scared him off." "Can we go back to the hotel and call the police?" "No, I want some answers." "I don't think there are any, Mam." "He was just a conman playing on a rich widow." "I'll skin him alive if I find him." "You're in the right place for it." "Look at all this." "It's like Donald and Jacqueline's spare room." "How many times, Mam?" "!" "You can't smoke inside." "They've changed the law." "Aaagh!" "You've got some explaining to do, sunshine!" "Please, I am sorry." "What were you playing at?" "Have you got Mel's money or haven't you?" "No more lies!" "There is no money." "My cousin used to work in Benidorm Palace." "He told me all about Mel." "That he was a very generous man." "Hey!" "We said no more lies." "Then I hear that Madge is back in Benidorm." "I start to think if we get married that maybe we can share some of Mel's fortune." "I didn't realise he died a porpoise." "Paup-er." "You used me!" "The wages here are very poor." "The English do not tip." "I'll give you a tip." "Don't mess with the Garveys." "This woman's been through enough past couple of years." "It's all right, Mick." "I'll deal with him." "What are you going to do?" "I am going to get medieval on your arse." "Aaagh!" "Ohhhh!" "Aghhh!" "One of the most annoying things about a hairdresser's, Kenneth, is how out of date the magazines can be." "This copy of Take A Break magazine is from September 2005." "Yet I can see Carmen was enjoying reading it this afternoon." "In English!" "No, no Englis." "She's probably looking at the pictures." "She managed to have a go at the crossword too." "So I did a background check." "Carmen's father is indeed Spanish." "But we were quite surprised to find out who her mother is." "Would you like to tell everybody?" "Don't just sit there!" "Get after her!" "♪ Sweet Caroline" "♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪" "Hello, Noreen." "How are you?" "I'm wiped out." "I've been a witness at six weddings today." "Six?" "!" "Yes." "Janice asked me to Madge's wedding." "But the groom never showed up." "So I just hung around and got roped in for the next one." "And the one after that." "There were five proper weddings and one lesbian one." "Margarita and Natalia." "You probably know them." "Yes, because all gay people live in one big happy international utopia." "That's what I thought." "Listen, I wonder if you could do me a favour." "When I get onstage, I'd like you to dial Troy's number." "And hold the phone up so he can hear me." "Could you not get a signal?" "I want to surprise him." "Thank you, Derek." "Next up, we have Gavin." "Where is Gavin?" "I've never done this before so I hope you'll all bear with me." "I just wanted to sing a song for my husband who's back in the UK." "♪ For once in my life" "♪ I've got someone who needs me" "♪ Someone I've needed so long" "♪ For once unafraid, I can go where life leads me" "♪ And somehow I know I'll be strong" "♪ For once I can touch" "♪ What my heart used to dream of" "♪ Long before I knew" "♪ Someone warm like you" "♪ Could make my dreams come true" "♪ For once in my life" "♪ I won't let sorrow hurt me" "♪ Not like it's hurt me before ♪" "No!" "♪ I know won't desert me" "♪ I'm not alone any more" "♪ For once I can say" "♪ This is mine, you can't take it" "♪ As long as I know I've got love, I can take it ♪" "Oh, no, you don't." "Are you going to tell us who you've been working for?" "Come on, missy." "Carmen!" "Where the friggin' hell have you been?" "I've been skulking round this back alley like some Ponienti prostitute." "Not Carmen, I'm afraid." "Joyce Temple-Savage." "And I'm the Solana manageress." "And there's me thinking they just brought out some life-size menopause Barbie." "I see you got the Fritzls with you as well." "Hello!" "Enjoying your holiday?" "Oh, yes." "Sorry." "Game's up, Janey." "We all know about your little scheme." "Your daughter has been passing on privileged information and you have been using it to besmirch my good character." "You what?" "She only works in a hairdresser's!" "She hasn't signed the Official Secrets Act!" "And it's not my fault if fat Jedward couldn't keep his gob shut!" "It's industrial espionage, Janey." "You wanted the hotel to lose business so that Headquarters would fire me, come to you on bended knees, begging to reinstate you!" "And you'd have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for us pesky swingers." "Carmen didn't want to do it." "So she shouldn't get into trouble because of me." "Why, Janey?" "I thought you'd had a transfer to a nice three-star in Marbella." "Because I hated it." "It was all tit-jobs and designer sunglasses." "All for show." "I never thought I'd say this, but I missed Benidorm." "I missed the hairy tattooed arms." "And the beer bellies with operation scars." "And that's just the women." "Families sitting outside with a mug of Tetley's watching Corrie in their vests." "I know it's cheap and tacky and sometimes it makes you cringe a bit." "But at least it's real!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to cause you any problems." "I just wanted to come back, that was all." "You can come back." "We do." "Every year for over 20 years." "It's called a holiday." "You're joking, aren't you?" "I wouldn't come here on holiday!" "Have you seen the state of some of the people?" "!" "I'm not going to take this any further." "On condition that your contact at the Costa Blanca Citizen gives us a glowing report in the next edition." "I'll see what I can do." "♪ For once I can say" "♪ This is mine, you can't take it" "♪ As long as I know I've got love, I can make it" "♪ For once in my life ♪" "Aah!" "Aaah!" "Mateo!" "Ooh, you got heavy!" "Liam!" "♪ For once in my life" "♪ I've got someone who needs me ♪" "Troy?" "Troy, did you get that?" "Oh." "I'm sorry." "Wrong number." "Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells"