"My name is Jamie Kelly." "I'm an artist and a writer and an expert on all things beautiful." "Inner beauty, outer beauty- you name it." "I go to Mackerel Middle School." "Hey, you'd think they named it after a fish because so many of the kids are working below a "C" level." "(Jamie laughing)" "Okay, bad joke." "Forget I ever said that." "My best friend is Isabella." "Isabella is probably one of the nicest people you'll ever meet, even though you can't tell by looking at her or meeting her or knowing her your whole life." "Okay, Isabella is my second-best friend." "My best friend is... well, my best friend is someone I can tell anything to, even the really weird things that keep happening to me." "Is it just me, or is it possible that everything in middle school is a weird thing?" " (fireworks explode)" " To answer that question," "I need to figure out the meaning of life." "But until then, my best friend is my diary, my dear dumb diary." "(footsteps pounding)" "(male voices) # Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah S" "# Yada yah yah yah yah #" "Jamie's voice:" "If I didn't give you permission to read this diary, you better stop reading right now." "If you are my parents, then yes," "I know I'm not allowed to call people idiots and tools and trolls and all that." "But this is a diary." "And I didn't actually call them anything," "I wrote it." "And if you punish me for it, then I will know that you read my diary, which you did not have permission to do." "Now by the power vested in me," "I do promise that everything in this diary is true." "Or, at least as true as I think it needs be." "# Are you sure you're supposed to be #" "# Reading someone else's diary?" "S" "# It might be time to stop and think #" "# 'Cause I wrote this down in poison ink #" "Poisoning somehow seems wrong." "# If you read a little secret about Isabella #" "# You really shouldn't know it, so just don't tell her S" "# Just let your mind flip into a comfortable numbness #" "# But never underestimate your own dumbness #" "# Idiots and fools and goons and half-wits #" "# It's not my fault I know everything #" "# Information is revealed on a need-to-know basis #" "# It's all in my dear dumb diary #" "# Read it in my dear dumb diary #" "# If this is you, freaky beauty queen #" "# Otherwise known as Angeline #" "# Don't you dare take another peek #" " # 'Cause I won't turn the other... # - (sighs)" "# Idiots and fools and goons and half-wits #" "# It's not my fault I know everything #" "# Information is revealed on a need-to-know basis #" "# It's all in my dear dumb diary #" "# Read it in my dear dumb diary #" "(male voices) # Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah S" "# Yada yah yah yah yah #" "J' Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah J'" "# Yada yah yah yah yah. #" "(spits)" "Jamie:" "I know, I pretty much rock." "That's why all the dudes are crazy about me." "Dudes like Hudson Rivers." "He knows I got it." "Hey, Jamie, check it out." "(gagging)" "(pants) New dance I'm working on." "It's called the Choke." "Did you say something, Hudson?" "Yeah, the box you made me for my birthday, for my arthropods" "I was up all night labeling." "Doesn't it look cool?" "(Jamie gasps)" "I'm sorry." "Here, let me help you with that." "I've dropped things before and I know how much trouble droppage can be." "Bugs don't bother you?" "Each of these beautiful invertebrates has their own special role in nature, you know?" "Every creature has its place." "And my place-- it's next to you." "We're like two Swallowtail butterflies meant to flap their wings together, side by side." "Yep, two Swallowtail butterflies with their pet unicorn who has his own pet, which is a koala." " (record dies down)" " What?" "I said I thought I had more beetles." "Did you see any more of them?" "No." "You know, Hudson, I've been thinking" " Hey, Angeline." " Jamie's voice:" "See, dumb diary, there's one small problem." "The universe has afflicted me with a girl of such genetic superiority that my own personal awesomeness, which by just about any standard is sufficiently awesome, is made to look sub-awesome." "Is that your lip gloss I smell?" "Watermelon Splash?" "It's great." "Good news, Hudson-- you could be a professional smeller if you wanted." "Yeah, you sure smell a lot." "Jamie's voice:" "And just like that, Hudson followed Angeline like my dog Stinker following a pork chop." "Watermelon Splash?" "Angeline just stole my signature lip-gloss flavor." "This could get ugly, kids." "Normally I hate seeing my best friend Isabella angry." "(Isabella screams)" "But now she's mad at Angeline, and I can live with that." "Miss Bruntford would like to remind students that Tofu loaf" "But more difficult to live with was having to sit through Mr. Vandoy's class." "He's famous at Mackerel for a historical fact of his own." "He was born with no personality." "When the doctor spanked him, he just said..." "Mr. Vandoy's voice:" ""Really?" "Is that absolutely necessary?"" " (Jamie sighs)" " In other news," "Mackerel Middle School is proud to announce the first district-wide Jump-A-Thon." "When you're that pretty, you can't tell right from wrong." "She's blinded by her own beauty." "That's not fair." "Angeline completely throws off the attractiveness curve." "I could be gorgeous and we wouldn't even know it." " (rock beat playing)" " Jamie's voice:" "Dear dumb diary," "I'm having a brainstorm of gigantic proportions." "What if all the average-looking people in the world banned together?" "Seriously, isn't it time we took a stand against the effortlessly beautiful?" "# On behalf of the 99% of us #" "# We won't bow down to the 1% of the populace S" "# We're not going to drop down and take it, now are we?" "#" "# Just because they look like Ken and Barbie #" "J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'" "J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'" "J' All the problems of the world will vanish #" "# When the freaks of nature are rounded up #" "# And banished #" "J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'" "# Your sweet-smelling symmetry is starting to sicken me #" "# I'm gonna puke my guts in your perfect hair #" "# You're so wonderful, flawless and joyful #" "# We're gonna ship you to an island #" " # And leave you there..." "J' - (models screaming)" "J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'" "Men:" "# Perfect people #" "J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'" "J' All the problems of the world will vanish #" "# When the freaks of nature are rounded up #" "# And banished #" "# Perfect people of the world, you've got to go... #" "(amplified) I hereby declare the need for an equal playing field for all humanity." "Here is my proposal- hair tattooed on the legs of the pretty people, permanent unibrows surgically implanted on the foreheads of the effortlessly beautiful, super stinky pit stains embedded in the shirts of the overly confident." "I do solemnly swear that we will once and for all put an end to your sickeningly cute injustices," " now and for all eternity!" " (all cheering)" "J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'" "Men:" "# The perfect people #" "J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'" "J' All the problems of the world will vanish #" "# When the freaks of nature are rounded up #" "# And banished #" "# Perfect people of the world, you've got to go-o-o #" "Men:" "# Perfect people #" "J' Perfect people of the world, you've got to go J'" "J' All the problems of the world will vanish #" "# When the freaks of nature are rounded up #" "# And banished #" "# Perfect people of the world, you've got to go-o-o #" "Men:" "# Perfect people... #" "You're beautiful and you smell great and you're nice to be around." "But I'm sorry, you've gotta go!" "Mr. Vandoy:" "Jamie" "Jamie?" "Your hands are raised." "Do you want to sign up for the Jump-A-Thon?" "Angeline was the first to sign her name." "Hmm?" "Come on, Jamie, it's for a good cause." " What have you got to lose?" " (grunts)" "Hey, I came prepared." " So did I, Dad." " (bell dings)" "Nice." "Mrs. Kelly:" "Ta-dah!" "Jamie's voice:" "Mom is up to her usual hijinx, committing dinner against the entire family." "1 heard that, Jamie." "1 didn't say anything." "You should be grateful." "There are plenty of children..." ""all over Where-the-Heck-istan..."" "...who would love my casserole." "Casserole!" "That's what that is." "Mmm, yum." "It seems to me that the kids in Where-the-Heck-istan have enough problems without dumping Mom's casseroles on them too." " (goats bleating) - (phone ringing)" " Hello?" "Carol!" " It's Aunt Carol!" " No, Carol, it's a fine time." " Let me talk to her!" " (both overlapping) - (door closes)" "Hey," " why the long face, chief?" " Nothing." " Are you sure?" " Nothing." " What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" " Nothing." "Nothing." " What's wrong?" " Nothing." " What's for dessert?" " All right." "All right." "I just" " I don't like school very much right now, okay?" "That's because school is supposed to prepare you for real life" " which also really s~" " Honey?" "Sweetheart?" "I just" " I feel kind of invisible at school sometimes." "Well..." "I understand, Jamie." "When I was your age," "I had a football coach who would sit me on the bench." "Jamie's voice:" "Dear dumb diary, doesn't my dad realize my life has nothing to do with football?" "Seriously, these guys do recess for a living." "What I need is a—" "Mr. Kelly:" "After a while, though, I started making friends..." "That's it!" "The thing that's gonna make me sparkle." "Actually sparkles!" "Yes." "Why didn't I think of it before?" "If there's one thing I know, it's the science of shimmer." "(laughing maniacally) More blue!" "Oh, no." "More pink!" "Yeah!" "Oh, this was an excellent year for hot magenta." "Thank you." "Sequinization!" "Rhinestonery!" "Emflowerment!" "Stickerating!" "Jamie's voice:" "I'm even thinking because of my monumental art project glitter can become... a college major." "I wouldn't be surprised if they put it on coins, or cars or even the Statue of Liberty." "And this year's Pulitzer Prize for World Peace through Glitter goes to Jamie Kelly!" "(cheering)" "(blows)" "Jamie's voice:" "Ladies and gentlemen," "Mackerel Middle School history is about to be made." "Jamie, what have you got there?" "Jamie's voice:" "Isn't she gorgeous?" "Meet Miss Anderson, art teacher." "She's my BFT, which is like a BFF, except for teachers." "(bell dings)" "I have something to show you." "You may want to brace yourself." "(gasps)" "What is it?" "Oh, Jamie, it's magnificent." "I'm afraid I have bad news." "Due to significant budget cuts, certain extra-curricular activities are being eliminated this year, including..." "Thespian Society," "Model United Nations," " the art program..." "(gasps)" " Breathe." " Can't." "(slowly) In, out." "(Jamie gasping)" "(panting)" "No art." "This could be the end of Jamie Kelly." "This could be the end of all artists." "(both gasping)" "What?" "!" "(panting)" " (hair plucks)" " Ow!" "Breathing again." "You're welcome." "That's why our school's fundraisers are more important than ever." "So I need to see everyone at Mackerel Middle get behind this year's Jump-A-Thon!" " (whistles blowing)" " Ho ho ho!" "Did you know every year 500 children get injured in a tragic jump-roping accident?" "It's true... and funny." "That's what I'm talking about." "The event will involve all five middle schools in the district, and listen up, friends- certain local businesses have chipped in and awarded $10,000 to the school whose student wins the Jump-A-Thon!" " Whoo!" "Whoo hoo!" " (music playing)" "Is that really like caramel apple?" "There are 350 lip-gloss flavors in the world." "You'd think with all those choices, certain people could keep their well-manicured paws off other people's signature flavors." "(no sound)" "Now what do you say, friends?" "Can we band together and raise some money for Mackerel Middle" "Yeah!" "Come on, everybody." "We can do it." "'Cause we're all in this together!" "All:" "Shut it, Cupcake!" "Jamie's voice:" "This isn't the end of it." "My time to shine isn't going to be ripped away without a fight." "(music playing)" "(children screaming)" "The school office is a bleak and desolate place where students with bloody noses come for the expert healing powers of the school nurse." "Here all are comforted by the sweet and pleasant personalities of... the office ladies." "Butterscotch!" "I need to speak to Assistant Principal Devon." "The culture of our free world is at stake." "Art!" "That's the cornerstone of the whole world, of civilization!" "What's the Earth without art?" "!" "It's just "eh."" "Eh..." "Do you know what you have without art?" "Well, basically, nothing." "Architecture- that's art." "Furniture- art!" " Our clothes- art!" " Jamie." "I got it." "I don't want to lose any program." "I want every student to fly on the limitless wings of eagles." "My job is to be a problem-solver." "And you can join me in being a problem-solver too." "That's what I'm trying to do right now, solve a really big problem." "You could sign up for the Jump-A-Thon." "That's being part of the solution." ""Beeing part..." Bzzz." "Isabella says all fundraising is a money-hungry scam." "Does she really?" "And what does Isabella know about fundraising?" "Isabella knows about everything." "You're a good kid, Jamie." "But your friend Isabella doesn't have all the answers." "Isabella says the people who say things about her" " only do so because they're jealous." " I'm not jealous of Isabella." "Isabella says that denying jealousy is, like, the surest sign of jealousy." "Did you know that Isabella told Mrs. Frundle that her dress looked like something you'd bury a clown in." "Isabella offers free fashion advice." "Her third-grade teacher said that Isabella is a thief." "Isabella is a modern-day Robin Hood, in much better tights." "Finally, this." "Disruptive, unsanitary, and frankly, ew." "Isabella is in touch with her inner dolphin." "(sighs)" "Bottom line," "Isabella is selfish." "You don't want to end up like that." "Jamie:" "Wait." "So all of our dirty deeds- all of our deepest secrets live in that cabinet?" " Pretty much." " (closes drawer)" "Everyone has a record?" "Without it, you don't even exist." "Assistant Principal Devon, line three." "Whaaaa!" "Ah!" "Oh." "This is tragic or something." "Jamie's voice:" "Turns out it was tragic." "She broke her hip." "Hips a big deal to office ladies." "They need them for sitting around all day." "(Jamie through phone) And when Assistant Principal Devon called for help, I was alone with all the permanent records." "Isabella:" "Including Angeline's?" "It was right there." "You know, it's true what they say— without a permanent record, you don't exist." "You basically walk the Earth as a ghost." "Did you see my record?" "Yours?" "Eh, I may have seen it." " (doorbell rings)" " Mr. Kelly:" "Jamie!" "Guess who it is." "Oh, that's my aunt Carol!" "Gotta fly, pumpkin pie." "Catch you later, perspirator." "I told you, I switched my spy name to Princess Unicornia!" "(sighs)" "Jamie's voice:" "Dear dumb diary, isn't my aunt Carol incredible?" "Her wardrobe is like the clothes my old Barbies used to wear." "Except my aunt doesn't spend as much time on her tip-toes." "Jamie!" " Jamie!" " (Jamie panting)" " Aunt Carol!" "Oh!" "Do you know what all that means?" "Pink is the new black?" "Well, obviously." "But no." "It means there are lots of clothes for you to inherit." "Don't you see how cool she is already?" "See, most of my conversations with adult relatives go like this—" " So how's school going?" " Fine." " And how's soccer going?" " Fine." "See, if I explain that I've never played soccer, it would just lead to extra questions." "So what do you think about all this rain we're having?" "Fine." "So how is school going?" "Fine." "Are any of the kids, like, really gross?" "Stop it, Carol." "Angeline is gross." " (laughing)" " Jamie." "Do you know that your mom once peed her pants at school?" "Don't— do not listen to her, Jamie." "Your aunt Carol has taken her allergy medicine, and she really has no idea what she is saying." "Stop it." "(whispering)" "Okay, fine." "Fine, I'll drop it." "So, Jamie, what do you think of all this rain we are having?" "1 don't know." "1 bet your mom hates it." "It could get her pants wet." "Mrs. Kelly:" "Hey!" "Time out for you, Carol." "Jamie:" "School is a disaster." "Well, that's because it is supposed to prepare you for the real world," " which also kind of~" " Yeah, I've heard." "But how am I supposed to make it through without going nuts?" "Play to your strengths." "I've tried that." "Well, maybe you have more than one strength." "It's highly unlikely." "When I was in middle school," "I got teased for having thin lips." "They called me Lizard Lips." "So I would walk around trying to push my lips out so they would be more full." "That didn't work." "But later I discovered I was a really good kisser no matter what my lips looked like." "And trust me, nobody was complaining." " Stop." " (laughing)" "You have got to use what you have got." "Sometimes what you think might be a problem could turn out to be your greatest strength." "See?" "There." "Photo, photo, photo, photo, photo, photo." "(laughing)" "But what if I don't have a greatest strength?" "Oh, everybody's got a greatest strength." "I've got, like, five." "(laughs) Come on, who doesn't?" "Well, well." "If it isn't Jamie." "You still a vegetarian?" "Because now we've got Tofu loaf." "This is even worse than when they tried serving us.." "(gulps) Lollyloafs." "I saw a doctor." "I got healed from vegetarianism." "Well, then, bring up the tray." "Pick it up." "Put it up here." "All the way." "There you go." "Why do I feel like all the adults in my life are trying to poison me?" "I don't think she's going to look away until you take a bite." "(grunts)" "(gagging)" "I can't tell the difference between the meatloaf and my tongue." "Now down to business." "I've been thinking about Angeline and the whole permanent-record thing." "The girl has got to be stopped." " Why do you think that—" " Hudson:" "Jamie!" "Hey, how are you doing?" "I didn't see your name on the Jump-A-Thon list and I know you'd do a great job." "That's all." "(gagging, hyperventilating)" " Is she okay?" " She's fine." "Might be a small panic attack." "Go ahead." "As you were saying?" "(Jamie gasping)" "Well, I remember that playing double dutch and stuff... you used to be the best jump-roper in the whole school." "Does she need to see the nurse?" "Dear dumb diary, only a miracle happened today." "Hudson Rivers basically has declared his undying love for me, except he said it another way." "His code, which I cleverly deciphered, was saying that he thinks I'd do good in the Jump-A-Thon." "I cannot- repeat, cannot let him down." "I think I can uphold our love, save the art program, and finally— finally bring justice to every average-looking person in the whole world who's ever been shown up by a girl like Angeline." "That's right— I have no choice but show once and for all the entire world... (deep male voice) ...my awesomeness!" "(rock beat playing)" "(cheering)" "# My awesomeness is awesome #" "# My technique is unique #" "# My awesomeness is awesome #" " # Everybody else if freakin' weak... # - (cheering)" "# My footwork is like clockwork #" "# My routine is the hottest #" "# I'm a voodoo samurai super-ninja jump-rope goddess #" "(singing with others) # So if you step to me #" "# Proceed with caution #" "# My awesomeness is awesome #" "# My awesomeness is awesome... #" " (growling)" " Look, ninjas!" "And they have Hudson!" "# There is no competition #" "# There will be no contest #" "# 'Cause now I'm on a mission S" "# To be the very best of the best of the best #" "# And unless you've got three legs and a built-in trampoline #" "# You've got no chance against me, even you, Angeline #" "# So if you step to me #" "# Proceed with caution #" "# My awesomeness is awesome #" "# My awesomeness is awesome... #" "(cheering)" "You're right, Jamie." "Your awesomeness is awesome." "# They come to worship me #" " # From all around the world #" " Other: # Ooh ooh #" "# And no one can believe J'" "# I'm just your average girl #" "# My concentration is unbreakable #" "# My confidence unshakable #" "# My moves are so unfake-able #" "# My genius unmistakable #" "# 'Cause I'm capable of miracles #" "# And I'm here to pull the stops out of y'all #" "# So check check check check checka checka checka me out #" "# If you want a piece of me #" "# Proceed with caution #" "# My awesomeness S" "# Is awesome. #" "(chattering)" "I can't take it anymore." "It's too overwhelming." "I'm gonna jump." "Jamie, middle school's not that bad." "Please reconsider." "No, the Jump-A-Thon." "I'm doing it." "I'm gonna jump and I'm gonna win." "We're all gonna jump 'cause we're all in this together!" "Pretty gutsy, Jamie, considering all the money you have to raise." "Money?" "I have to raise money?" "300 bucks?" "!" "Angeline just went around asking people for money and they raised up 300 buck-a-roos?" "How famous does Angeline need to be?" "If it was me, I'd be totally satisfied with being partly famous and not have to go around making myself famouser all the time." "She just asked and boom  money." " (bell ringing)" "(grunting)" "(giggling)" "(chattering)" "If I could paint and talk at the" "Jamie!" "Hi." "I just met your lovely aunt." "I'm glad to hear you're moving to town." "Please, Assistant Principal DeVonn, call me Carol." "Carol." "And you can call me Dan." "Oh, Dan." "And it's "Devon," not DeVonn." "I will talk to you later." "Bye." " Carol:" "Oh!" " See you." "Hey, no— not— not here!" "Big news." "Assistant Principal Devon just offered me an office job." "It turns out some poor woman broke her hip." "Oh, yeah, I heard about that." "Jamie," "I am gonna be working at your school!" "(laughs)" "Of course there was a time when my aunt Carol understood that a person would rather bathe in a tub of hot dog slobber than have a relative working at their school." "Isn't it great?" "She's lost touch with reality." "So I had absolutely no choice except to lie to her." "Yes." "And I'm not lying to you." "(knocking)" " (muttering)" " Hi, Mrs. Clawson." "I'm doing a Jump-A-Thon to raise money for my school." "Since the state doesn't seem to value education enough to meet our needs- (gasps)" "What just happened?" "I'm not sure." " Let me turn up my hearing." " (hearing aid whistling)" "I said, I was wondering, would you give us money?" "!" "Let me see what I've got." "I'd rather be at the dentist." "Yeah." "It's funny how they're always so surprised when you bite their fingers." "Ah, here you go, dears." "What is it?" "Clothes?" "Maybe we can resell them." "Oh, no." "What is it?" "(gasps)" "Granny panties." "They look like old army-man parachutes with two big holes shot through them." "She must have thought we were on some clothing drive or something." "Well, if at first you don't succeed, try try again." "Okay." "But if any old lady gives me a bag of her giant bras," "I'm out." "You have to give 'em a taste of the product." "Show 'em what they're investing in." " (ringing) - (lady laughing)" "Feet like fire, Jamie Kelly!" "Feet like fire." "I taught her everything she knows." "Would you like to sponsor me, Mrs. Cutler?" "Ah, my pleasure." "Mmm, well, best of luck, Jamie." " Thanks, Mrs. Cutler." " (Mrs. Cutler laughing)" "We're also collecting for another charity today." "We are?" "The Juvenile Optometry Federation." "They supply eyeglasses and such to underprivileged kids." "Well, aren't you two the little do-gooders?" "I'd be proud to give you... $5." "Jamie's voice:" "Look how self-sacrificing Isabella is." "She's basically like Gandhi with a bowl haircut and glasses." "Yeah, I got all the information about this charity online." "You can help me collect for it if you want." "Jamie's voice:" "And so, DDD, as we went door to door, not only were people shocked and amazed by my jump-roping skills... (coins jangling) ...but we also picked up a few bucks here and there for the Juvenile Optometry Federation." "# If you're with me, with me #" "# Let me hear ya #" "# Get your hands together so that we can feel ya #" "# It don't matter what they do #" "# It don't matter what they say #" "# We're rock stars, do it our way, don't change #" "# You're the same girl #" "In your face, Angeline." "Now I'm as gentle and sweet as you." "Take that, you toad." " Is that" " Granny panties as far as the eye can see." "Stinker!" "Ugh!" "Ugh!" "Must not touch granny panties with hands." "Plan B. Get to work." "You too!" " What time is it?" " 4:52." "Why?" "Hurry." "Just hurry!" "Jamie's voice:" "Sometimes things that seem really gross at first can seem less gross if you just dig in and deal with the grossness." "Sometimes if you just pretend things aren't gross, the grossness just kind of goes away." "But not this time." "Hudson:" "Jamie!" "(rock music playing)" "He rides past on his way from soccer every day at the same time." "Isabella:" "It could be worse." "These old-lady panties could still have old ladies in 'em." "(music playing)" "(girls laughing)" "I've heard from some reliable sources that Angeline does the Zone Shampooing." "She shampoos each zone of her head with its own distinct fragrance of shampoo." "Whenever she tosses her hair, she shoots a delicious waft of fragrance right at your unsuspecting nose." "You know, there is one way to make Angeline disappear." "If that permanent record's gone, poof!" "Are you sure about that?" "Have I ever been wrong about anything?" "What about that one time you tried tanning yourself with flashlights and a magnifying glass?" "Okay, so she won't disappear exactly, but we might find some embarrassing info and tarnish her reputation forever." "Jamie's voice:" "Wow." "Aunt Carol's influence has really turned this place around." "Hi, Jamie." "(sighs)" "Wait a second, Jamie." "I just have some flowers to replace." "What a wonderful surprise to have you come visit." "Is it business or pleasure?" "Oh!" "I was wondering, is Assistant Principal Devon here?" "No, he's at lunch." "You want to leave a message for him?" "No." "I was just looking for..." " a paper clip." "Oh." "Here you go." "No, no." "A bigger paper clip." "A big red paper clip." "Do you think Assistant Principal Devon might have a big red paper clip?" "Maybe." "He is just nuts about office supplies." " Why don't you go and look?" " Just walk right in?" "You are my niece." "Go ahead." " Jamie!" " Hey." "Back from lunch?" "Yes." "But I believe you and I have something bigger to talk about." "We do?" "We sure do." "Look, I can explain." "You don't have to." "Your posters say everything." "My posters?" "I've seen your Juvenile Optometry Federation signs everywhere." "I am so proud of you and Isabella for taking on this charity." "It even makes me feel bad for cautioning you against Isabella." "I want to commend the two of you for making this world a better place to be." "Or should I say... bee"?" "!" "Buzz, buzz." "Here, I want to contribute." "This is what happens when you put others before yourself— magic." "Carol:" "Jamie!" "Look what I found." "We've got everything here." "Ah!" " (Mom and Dad inhaling)" " Wow." " Jamie:" "Mmm!" "Yeah." " Yeah." " Okay, ready?" " Ready." "Go." " (coughing)" "Ah." " That was so good." " So yummy." "So how come Aunt Carol never showed up for dinner?" "Oh, no reason." "Plans, work stuff, you know." "Sounds to me like she's got a big hot date." "(laughs) No." "Ew!" "Old people dating." "Seriously, can you imagine anything as repulsive as two old people locked in some withering embrace?" "Their dusty decrepit flesh brushing up against each other?" "Their bony fingers clutching—" "Jamie." "She's 32." "32?" "!" "I didn't realize she was that old." "Jamie's voice:" "And just when I thought I couldn't get grossed out anymore," "Stinker proved me wrong." "(farting)" "(farting)" "(farting)" "(gasping) Ew ew ew!" "Clean air!" "Ay, help!" "I'm not sure if she's going to make it, nurse." "She inhaled a lot of pure dog stink." "Jamie's voice:" "So Mom let me sleep in the living room in case the beagle fumes could have had any permanent effects on my development." "Mrs. Kelly:" "All right, so then what?" "When we were eating, he just grabbed my hand." " Mmm!" " Yeah." " And then the other hand." " Both hands?" " Yeah." " He did not." " Yeah, it was very romantic." " He did not!" " Carol." " And he asked me out again." "(gasps) Carol, stop it!" "Carol:" "Oh, don't be so old-fashioned." "Mrs. Kelly:" "I've heard a thing or two..." "Red alert." "Right now at this very second," "I think my aunt Carol is telling my mom about— well, I think it really is about a big gross date." "Mrs. Kelly:" "And?" "Oh, he had these strong, warm," " George Clooney lips." " Mm-hmm." "Which is so gross to listen to." "It's all I can do to keep eavesdropping." "These powerful, masculine Ben Affleck hands." "Mrs. Kelly:" "Ben Affleck, really?" "Is he known for his hands?" "Ew." "Adult city." "That's it." "But, wait." "I'm trying to imagine the kind of guy" "Aunt Carol could possibly date." "He would have to be someone who is, A:" "more attractive than Aunt Carol, but dumber," "B:" "less attractive than Aunt Carol, but funnier," "C: the exact same level of attractiveness, but shorter," " D: the owner of a really hot car." " (tires screech)" "(cash register dings)" "(bell rings)" "(romantic music playing)" " (record dies down)" " Why don't you just take a picture?" "So then I can be the weird girl who takes stalker-like photos and plays with old ladies' undergarments?" "You don't know what Hudson likes." "Lots of guys might find that attractive." " Name one." " Big Foot." "Frankenstein." "Big Foot!" "Hey, Jamie, good morning." "It feels like there's something electric in the air." "Cute jacket, by the way." "Um, what just happened?" "You think she senses I'm her competition for the Jump-A-Thon?" "She's trying to get in your brain, Jamie." "Don't let her in there." "Don't let her in!" "Class, I thought we'd spice things up a bit." "Today we're making valentines." "But it's, like, four months until Valentine's Day." "Well, this is why you're in school- to practice stuff." "Oh, and don't put your name on anything." "(blowing)" "Isabella, don't you think Hudson is the cutest boy in the whole school?" "Actually, he's eighth." "What?" "I've scientifically ranked all the guys in our school based on my cuteness scale." "According the science of Boy-ology," "Hudson is the eighth-cutest guy in our school." "I've done a very accurate study which accounts for looks, personality, physicality and fashion sense." "Eighth is all right with me." "(slow music playing)" "# In first place is Andy Clyde S" "# He's got a crush on Claire Vanderhyde #" "# His shirt's always untucked and his shoes are untied #" "# And whenever he smiles, you get all squirmy inside #" "# Brian Buxbaum is #2 #" "# He moved here last year from Kalamazoo #" "# He used to be in fifth place, but then he grew J'" "# He's just not my type S" "# Maybe he's for you #" "# Hudson Rivers is the eighth cutest guy in my school #" "# He's a lifeguard in training #" "# At the cuteness gene pool #" "# You might say #" "# Go for one, two or three #" "# I think eight is my fate #" "# 'Cause he's more than just a number to me #" "# The Hoffenberg twins are three and four #" "# Glenn collects ninjas and Gavin's a bore #" "J' Calder MacMillan holds down the fifth place S" "# But I think there's something weird about his face #" "# Sixth is Josh Chapman, he lives on my block #" "# Fred Wells is seventh, he's kind of a jock S" "# I could go down the list, say who's in and who's out J'" "# But there's only one name #" "# That I care about #" "# Hudson Rivers is the eighth cutest guy in my school #" "# He may not be Einstein #" "# But I say he's nobody's fool #" "# You might say #" "# Go for one, two or three #" "# I think eight is my fate #" "# He's more than just a number to me #" " Others: # You might say # - # Just follow your heart #" "# I know Hudson and me #" " # Are more than the sum of our parts #" " Others: # You might say #" "# Go for one, two or three #" "# I know eight is my fate #" "# He's more than a number to me. #" "(bell ringing)" "(sighs)" "(grunts)" "Ah!" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Jamie, could I ask you a question?" "("Bridal Chorus" playing)" "(record screeches)" "Why do I feel like I've imagined this before?" "I was just wondering why you haven't asked me to sponsor you" " for the Jump-A-Thon." " You want to sponsor me?" "Okay." "Jamie, I love your valentine." "It's perfect." "If Michelangelo and da Vinci had a baby, and it was a card, it would look like this." "Mmm!" "(giggling)" "Thanks." "Yeah, sure." "(sighing)" "(clipboard crashes)" "Jamie:" "Hudson." "Is that you?" "Hudson." "Did you hear that?" "He doesn't think I'm some creepy panty-picker-upper." "Or he finds it attractive." "I'm just sayin'!" "Devon:" "Jamie Kelly." "Just the girl I wanted to see." "I wanted to let you know, and Isabella, that because of the success of the Juvenile Optometry Federation, the town paper wants to come and interview you both." "." "No way!" "Way." "It's about two girls making a difference, taking it upon themselves to think of others." " We'll be in the paper?" " Yes." " Will there be a picture?" " Yep." " Will it be in color?" " Think so." " Will it be bigger than this?" "1 don't know." " Can I do a snazzy over-the-shoulder?" " (camera flashing)" "Sure." "Yes!" "Jamie's voice:" "Dear dumb diary, all this giving to people is really paying off." "I can even feel myself getting more beautifuller inside." "(dings)" "Soon my inner beauty will be so enflamed that it will rupture through my skin and spew bubbling squirts of beauty all over the floor that the janitors will have to clean up with their special throw-up sawdust." "(piano playing)" "Isn't it magnificent?" "Aunt Carol, isn't this going to be a musical number?" "Sorry." "Budget cuts." " Man:" "What?" " Man #2:1 thought I had a tap solo." "This is ridiculous." "I'm— I'm gonna call my agent." "Don't think you're going to get away with this." "This is unprofessional!" "This is why I don't do film!" "Hey, sweet pea, how was your day?" "Fine." "(water bubbling)" "Is that one of Stinker's chew toys?" "A lot of things look like chew toys." "Hey, guys, don't wait up." "Call if I need you." "Love you, bye!" "Jamie's voice:" "And so, dumb diary, now that I'm beautiful like Aunt Carol," "I can understand why men flock to her." "I myself feel like I could stare at my reflection for hours, lost in the gaze of my own beauty." "It's not weird to check yourself out." "It's not!" "(chattering)" "Birthday-cake frosting?" "!" "Is that supposed to make the meatloaf more appealing?" " Oh, no." " Isabella:" "What?" "Angeline- she's been grinning at me for two weeks." "Maybe it's some curse she learned using the flawless reflection of her teeth." "Ruthless with her Jedi mind tricks, she is." " What was that?" " Adorable hand wave." "Oh, that's low." "Real low." "I don't think you should keep coming to this school if she continues this kind of behavior." " (squeals)" " Jamie:" "Oh, no." "She's coming over here with that big old gorgeous smile on her face." " What do we do?" " Be strong, Jamie." "You must resist her evil." " Jamie!" "Ah!" "(squealing) Oh, my gosh!" "Amazing!" "I feel like I've been playfully mauled by a really sweet grizzly." "That's a maneuver that could easily kill a person." " (Angeline squealing)" " Look!" "It's spreading." "Aunt Carol, no!" "That's the move!" "Look, she's attempting little tiny stampy stamps." "She's flipping her hair back and forth, or at least trying." "(both squealing)" "And she's even making that little squealy sound that makes puppies pee." "Isabella:" "Definitely gigglecide!" "You know, I think it really is the meatloaf." "Do you think the meatloaf is finally making everyone crazy?" "Jamie's voice:" "One can hardly imagine the madness going on inside the mind of Bruntford." "# What is it about school cafeterias #" "# That makes the meatloaf so mysterious?" "#" "# Gets you hooked like a book by Dickens #" "# Add gray gravy and the plot just thickens #" " # What magic's in the meat?" "# -# Magic #" "# What makes it such a treat to eat?" "#" "# Makes you want to move your feet to the beat #" "# And wiggle and giggle #" "Women:" "# What magic's in the meat?" "#" " J' What happens in that oven # - # Magic #" "# That turns 'em into meatloaf-1 ovin' fools like me?" "#" "# It's a meatloaf mystery... #" "Yum." "# Don't you dare question my strange ingredient #" "# My recipe demands obedience #" "# You know you're hungry #" "J' Don't try to fight it #" "J* You're gonna eat it and you're gonna like it #" " # What is that secret flavor # - # Magic #" "# That makes you want to squeeze your neighbor?" "#" "# Can't you see it's a meatloaf mystery?" "#" "# Don't touch that broccoli #" "# Not so hasty #" "# Come try a bite of me #" "# Mmm, you know I'm tasty #" " # What magic's in the meat?" "# -# Magic #" "# What makes it such a treat to eat?" "#" "# Makes you want to move your feet to the beat #" "# And wiggle and giggle... #" " (giggling) # What magic's in the meat?" "#" " # What happens in that oven # - # Magic #" "J' That turns 'em into meatloaf-lovin' fools #" "# Like me?" "#" "# It's a meatloaf mystery #" "# Magic in the meat #" "Jamie!" "Jamie, eat your meatloaf!" "If you're not going to eat it, then I will." "Hmm!" "(laughs)" "Call 9-1..." "Isabella:" "Wait a minute." "The office ladies are here, which means the office is empty." "If any permanent record wanted to disappear forever, now would sure be a great time." "Oh." "(makes ticking sound)" "Woman:" "This is ridiculous." "Devon:" "Well, Holly, I have feelings for you." "They're just the wrong ones, I guess." "1-1" " Holly:" "I can't believe this." "There was a lot of time and effort that was put into that." " Um, what, the valentine?" " Holly:" "Yes!" " It's a beautiful valentine." " Yes, it is." "It's got glitter." "Holly, acceptance is seeing with your heart, not with your eyes." "Oh!" "I don't want to talk about it." " Holly, don't take it personally." " Don't!" "Holly, the road to success is always paved with destruction!" "Holly:" "Stop it!" "No!" "Jamie's voice:" "Wait." "That's the valentine I made." "Dan." "How about lunch." "Miss Anderson." "Stinker." "They say guilt can make you do strange things." "Who knew putting yourself in a candy coma would be one of them?" "I can't tell if I feel sick because I stole Angeline's record or because I just at 10 chocolate bars in a row." "(Stinker barking)" "Fine, 32." "Hey, Jamie, I know— wow, okay." "Okay." "I know that you are doing some serious jump-rope training and fundraising, and I get that it may be stressing you out." "But you really need to clean your room." "We are having a little party here for Aunt Carol on Saturday night and we need this to be the coat room." "And I am afraid that there may be things alive" " under this pile of- - (rattling)" "What?" "!" "Jamie!" "Whaaa!" "Thanks for the support." "(barking)" "(moans)" "No more chocolate!" "(grunting)" "Stinker, have you seen my dumb diary anywhere?" "I should have excavated down to it by now." "Where is it?" "(barking)" "No." "No." "No." "Ew!" "(grunts)" "(grunts)" "I still feel sick." "Jamie's high voice:" "Jamie." "Do you want to feel sick, sick of yourself for the rest of your life?" "Jamie's low voice:" "Do you ever think you'll stop feeling sick until Angeline's gone for good?" "There's something wrong with your little floating doughnut." "It's a halo, stupid!" "Guys, the record!" "High voice:" "Don't do it, Jamie." "You don't know the consequences." "What if you're forced to wear stripes in prison?" "Horizontal stripes!" "So unflattering!" "Go away." "(grunts)" "Oh!" "Isabella!" "Isabella." "I feel like my inner beauty might be fading." "We need to go around and raise more money for the Juvenile Optometry Federation." "Um, well, we don't have to anymore." "See, I sent them all the money and now they have enough." "What?" "We totally filled up an entire charity?" "(bell rings)" "Isabella!" "Isabella!" "What happened to your eyes?" "They're green, like jelly beans." "I got contacts." "Cool, huh?" "Where'd you get the money for contacts?" "The Juvenile Optometry Federation." "Plus I had a few bucks saved up." "(laughs maniacally)" "Forget the signature lip-gloss flavor." "Now it's my eyes that everyone will notice." "Isabella, what about all the inner beauty we worked so hard for?" "Look, they're in my eyes, right?" "And they're beautiful." "Bang- inner beauty." "They didn't have the tinted ones, so I colored them in myself." "I may have used a little bit too much green marker and I--1 might have wrecked the left one." "(squealing) Mommy." " You faked a charity!" " And you helped me." "Right, so if I rat you out, I'll be in as much trouble as you." "We faked the principal, which is like faking out the president!" "But when you say it like that, it sounds bad!" "They're supposed to interview us next week." " What are we gonna do?" "1 don't know." "Lie in print, to the whole city?" "What kind of supportive friend are you?" " Me?" "!" "You lied, Isabella!" "1 don't need this, Jamie!" "No." "No." "To the right." "No." "Your other right." "So much for my over-the-shoulder shot." "Devon:" "Bottom line, Isabella is selfish." "You don't want to end up like that." "Hey!" "Did you hear they might stop serving meatloaf since it poisoned Bruntford?" "Looks like now they're serving..." "What do you old people eat, anyway?" " Uh, beef stew and noodles." " Bran muffins." " Yeah!" "That's what they have." "No!" "Jamie's voice:" "I've learned that it's really not that hard to fool adults." "And this is in no way comforting to us kids." "(sighs)" "Hey, guys, check this out." "Why not?" "Boy: "Maybe he is just slightly too cute for me." " I'm right on the edge of adorable." - (boys laughing)" "Boy:" "Oh, my gosh!" ""But if I'm really really lucky and keep my fingers crossed, he could become mildly disfigured."" "(boys laughing)" ""Then Hudson and I would be on the same level!"" "(all laughing)" "Hey, can I see that?" "(panting)" "It's you!" "You're so upbeat and encouraging." "What is it you always say?" " "We're all in this to--"" " Sorry." "You're on your own, "cupcake."" "Hey, honey, sorry you're not feeling well." "I can't believe I did the right thing." "Whatever made me feel like I should do the right thing?" "What's that?" "Nothing." "I just need to go home and lie down." "Dear dumb piece of paper," "I'm writing to you instead of my diary because my diary has been stolen." "Of course you understand that I am de-stroyed!" "I don't think" "I'll ever be able to return to school again... unless I get extreme plastic surgery so no one will recognize me." "But considering my mom won't even buy me a cell phone," "I don't know how I'm going to get her to spring for plastic surgery... (all laughing) ...just because I'm too embarrassed to be myself at school." "And in case my children are reading this years from now, this is the exact moment that Angeline ruined any chance of everlasting love between your father and me." "And it's her fault your last name is "Buttalington"" "or something lame like that." "The future." "I wonder if when I'm older, any of this will even matter." "So what if middle-school Jamie is a total loser?" "It's not gonna be that way for future Jamie." "# Dear future Jamie #" "# It's me, I mean it's you #" "# Only younger #" "# Do you remember how complicated life used to be #" "# When everything seemed so unfair?" "#" "# But you don't care anymore, do you?" "#" "# What with your fabulous career #" "# As United States Ambassador #" "# And your movie-star boyfriend #" "# And I bet you never shed a single tear for me #" "# Jamie of the past #" "# 'Cause you grew up really fast #" "# Like your new scooter #" "# So how's the weather in Bermuda?" "#" "# Dear future Jamie #" "# Just look at you now #" "# In your big beach house #" "# With your personal staff #" "# And have you ever told them that old story #" "J' 'Bout how they stole your diary from me J*" "# Oh boy, I bet that gets a good laugh #" "# But that was long before you won the Oscar #" "# And the Nobel Prize j'" "# And started saving Sunday afternoons #" "# For family joyrides #" "# In your environmentally-friendly convertible car #" "# Just chillin' with your totally hot husband #" "# And your genius children #" "# Guess by now you've found the cure for AID# or cancer #" "# Maybe you're a ballet or a belly dancer #" "# You're probably an astronaut #" "# The first to walk on Mars #" "# Maybe you're in Hollywood among the movie stars #" "# You are so beautiful #" "# Dear future Jamie #" "# You really light up a room when you walk in #" "# And people like you and they listen #" "# And they notice when you're missin' #" "# 'Cause your everybody's favorite friend #" "Don't you know you're all of those things already?" "This turned up at school today." "Don't tell me you know all about my public humiliation too." "That bad, huh?" "(groans)" "1 understand." " No, you don't." " You were basically born cool." " Oh, really?" "You think I haven't been through something so mortifying that I thought my only option was to have my parents buy me my own private island?" "Seventh grade... (sighs) ...and my brief but torrid romance with Lex Steel." "Oh, he was so handsome." "He and I had been passing notes for three weeks in English class." "And the tension between us had become unbearable." "Somehow I knew it was all coming to a head at the St. Martha's Valentine's Day dance." "Well, I was so nervous, I couldn't stop eating." "Basically everything on the snack table went in my mouth." "I mean everything." "I mean, to this day," "I can feel my heart beating in my throat when I saw him cross the floor to tell me how he felt about me." "What'd he say?" "!" "He said something like..." "Hey, Carol, I think you're righteous." "Wanna dance to the next Bryan Adams song with me?" "I was completely overwhelmed." "Nothing like this had ever happened to me before." "There was just one thing to do." "I threw up on Lex." "Ew, no no no!" "Puke!" "My imagination can't handle it." "Let me think about something else." "Storybooks, glitter..." "Oh, I got it-- gummy bears!" "Keep on going." "Then I threw up in the punch bowl." "Then I threw up all over these delicious chocolate muffins." " (record screeches)" " That's horrible." "Horrible." "Then you guys got together, right?" "No, not really." "But the next guy was even better?" "No, the next couple after were pretty much creeps." "Eventually everybody finds someone, right?" "No, I have a cousin who's basically alone and old and crusty." "Lots of cats." "So basically you're saying that love is painful and embarrassing." "Yes." "And also the best thing in the world." "And you're gonna do it anyway, so you might as well stop fighting it and just enjoy it." "Hmm." "Jamie's voice:" "Dear dumb diary, tomorrow, as you know, is the dumb Jump-A-Thon." "I really don't know if I should show my face." "But what if Aunt Carol is right and life is just a series of embarrassing stories?" "Then I might as well go for it anyway." "And who knows what could happen?" "Hyah!" "Jamie's voice:" "Okay, no ninjas." "Actually, surprisingly normal." "Ahh!" "Jamie's voice:" "Let's check out the competition." "(beeping)" "Hi, Hudson!" "Are you okay?" "I can't do it." "What?" "I can't jump a rope by myself." "And look- my pledge sheets." "There must be 300 names on here." "That's just the first page." "I made a big push for sponsors this weekend." "All this money." "And I'm gonna blow it for the school 'cause I can't jump a stupid rope." "Wait." "Did she say "the school"?" "No, no, no, not the school." "Why'd she have to mention the school?" "If I let Angeline fail, it would be a huge loss for this school." "No one else had near as many sponsors." "Without this money, think of what might happen." "(kazoo buzzing)" "The marching band could be cut down to one person with a kazoo." "They might have to stop giving teachers free coffee." "But the most devastating thing of all was losing the art program." "Not just for me, but for all the kids that might not get the chance to express their inner awesomeness." "I guess I know I'm just letting everybody down." "And with that one sentence, she made my inner beauty squirt out of me till I was standing in a puddle of my own loveliness." "I got it!" "Coach Dover, do jumpers have to hold the ropes themselves" " or can they just jump it?" " All right, let's check." "'Cause if they had to hold it, it wouldn't be fair to people with no hands," " like pirates, right?" " Uh, "length of rope... natural versus nylon fiber..." Huh." "Um, okay, "peg legs..." Oh, here we go." "The jumper only has to jump." "Somebody else can twirl the rope." "Isabella!" "Isabella, I need you to help me twirl the rope for Angeline." "She has way more pledges than I ever had." "Don't care." "It's the right thing to do for the sake of the school." "Forget it." "Isabella, either you do this or I'll tell your parents how you got the money for your contact lenses." "Then you'll be grounded until you graduate from college!" "I'm just moved." "After all these years, you've finally learned something from me." "Blackmail?" "Now if I say yes, will you get your butt off my chest?" "Oh, yeah." "Jamie's voice:" "Angeline jumped fora long time." "This was probably going to be her biggest jackpot yet, and her beauty and fame were going to skyrocket." "I was furious and delighted at the same time." "Hey, Angeline, how come you can only jump this way?" "'Cause I need both hands to keep the hair out of my eyes." "You could put it in a ponytail, you know." "Oh, yeah, good one." "And the winner of the first-ever district Jump-A-Thon is Mackerel's very own Angeline!" "(all cheering)" "My arms are killing me." "I feel like I have a charley horse on my shoulder." "I feel like I have a charley horse on my heart." "I can't believe I helped Angeline after she read my diary in the cafeteria." "Cafeteria?" "You don't know what happened?" "Isabella:" "Well, I couldn't see where I was going and I ended up making a circle just in time to find myself at the table behind Angeline and her friends." "Boy: "Maybe he is just slightly too cute for me." " I'm right on the edge of adorable." - (all laughing)" "Isabella:" "I'd heard that phrase before because you had said it to me." "So therefore I knew it was your diary." "Boy: "Then Hudson and I would be on the same level."" "Boys:" "Oh!" "Isabella:" "Then I heard..." "Hey, can I see that?" "Oh, this is my cousin Jenny's diary." "Uh, Hudson Johnson." "That's who she's talking about." "Jenny goes to Weeks Middle School." "She's gonna be so glad that I found this." "(boys chuckling)" "She didn't rat me out." "Actually, she covered for you." "But that doesn't make any sense." "Then why isn't Hudson talking to me?" "(whispering) Isabella stepped on my throat while I was doing my warm-up stretches." "I— I didn't see him lying there." "It was really cool of you guys to help out Angeline that way." "You guys really saved the school." "Probably." "Yeah." "Whole lotta probably." "A ton!" "Difficult to measure, really." "Infinitely!" "Jamie, there's something I feel that I have to say." "What is it, Hudson? taste a little blood in my mouth." "Me too, Hudson!" "I always have." "What?" "I think Isabella really hurt my throat." "I should go see the nurse." "Ah!" "He is so into me!" "Jamie's voice:" "Remember that little get-together my aunt Carol was having?" "Guess what that meant." "Actual teachers in my actual house." "Seeing a live teacher in your own home is like seeing a live orangutan in your own home." "You just don't know how to react." "Miss Palmer was wearing a dress." "It was actually kind of flattering." "She looked like a nice couch tipped on its edge." "And Coach Dover?" "Turns out his real name is—" " Ben." " That's right." "Ben Dover!" "Can you believe it?" "Aunt Carol, careful!" "Watch where you're... going." "Jamie's voice:" "I could hardly stand it." "It was one of those awesomely horrible types of kisses that is super gross and super excellent at the same time, like two people trying to chew one piece of gum." "Devon's Aunt Carol's mystery man?" "That explains the big smooch." "I guess lots of women are attracted to men with power." "Voldemort." " What was that?" " Nothing." "So what happened to your contacts?" "It was so weird." "I couldn't see anything with them on." "Hey, guys, I'm supposed to tell you that Mrs. Anderson couldn't join us." "She isn't feeling well." "Angeline, what are you doing here?" "I'm so glad you're here, Angeline." "You're just in time." "I have a little announcement to make." "I'd like to introduce you to the future Mrs. Devon." "Carol and I are engaged!" " (all cheering)" " Congratulations, Uncle Dan." "Uncle Dan?" "!" "Wait." "Does this mean Angeline and I are going to be related?" "I think it makes you second cousins." "Or third." "Ah, I'm really not sure how it works." "(cheering)" "(Jamie grunting)" "Jamie's voice:" "Angeline knew about this the whole time and was taking some sick delight in it." "Maybe Angeline's not all bad." "But do I still have to be related to her?" "!" "(gasping)" "(piano playing)" "Jamie's voice:" "It was as though nobody on Earth could fully grasp the tragedy of me being related to Angeline... except maybe Stinker." "(Stinker farts)" "(all groaning, reacting)" " Oh, that is worse than my meatloaf!" " Jamie:" "Stinker!" " That is worse than my meatloaf!" " (all grumbling)" "Ahh!" "Oh oh oh!" "Are you kidding?" "!" "Jamie's voice:" "He had been saving one massive fart up the whole time." " (all groaning)" " Devon:" "I can taste it!" "Vandoy:" "What was that?" "!" "I guess we forgot to ask Stinker if he wanted guests over." "That was terrible." " (mimicking fart)" " Jamie's voice:" "Look at these people." "I guess it's good to know that when you grow up into a mature, polite adult, you don't actually become mature or polite, or an adult." "I wanted to say thanks for covering for me in the cafeteria." "I didn't read your diary, you know." "Oh, I know that." "I mean, thanks." "Thank you for helping me with the Jump-A-Thon." "I wouldn't have raised a single dollar without you." "And because of that, it looks like we won't lose the art program at all." "Really?" "!" "I'll have to mention that to the newspaper when they do their article on you on Monday." "Oh, yeah." "The article." "Isabella:" "Assistant Principal Devon, meet the recipients of the Juvenile Optometry Federation." "Jamie's voice:" "I know what you're thinking." "And no, we didn't hire these kids." "We found real students that needed glasses by talking to our school counselor." "We got so good at raising money, we just raised a little more." "Isabella's mom even gave us a big donation from Isabella's allowance fund." "And now Juvenile Optometry Federation is a real charity." " It was my idea." " Jamie's voice:" "And it was." "(squeals)" "Look how charitably foxy we look." "That's me!" "Maybe we all have inner beauty." "Is that possible?" "Even the girls who fake charities, and the underpants-strewing beagles," " and the meatloaf makers..." " (all gasp) ...even the pencil-eaters, and the moms who cook things that could possibly poison you." "And even the girls with tons of outer beauty." "Maybe they do." "Maybe we all do." "And sometimes you think you need colored contact lenses, or tricked-out Jump-A-Thons, or some boy's attention to make you think you shine." "But like a wretched dog fart in the middle of an engagement party, beauty usually just comes bubbling up when you least expect it." "Thanks for listening, dumb diary." "(phone ringing)" " (beeps)" " Hello?" "Angeline, I'm so glad you called." "I have something major to tell you." "I accidentally stole your school record." "I returned it, but I swear I didn't read a single word." "That record could destroy me." "You would not believe what's in there." "Anyway, I just called to say that even though we're gonna be cousins," "Hudson is still my date to the wedding." "Toodles!" "Uh..." " (beeps)" "(rock music playing)" "This is your life too!" "Get up and dance." "# Hey, everybody, may the dumb be with you #" "# My your parents be haunted and the fun continue #" "# Is that your lip gloss that I smell?" "#" "# May the watermelon flavor serve you well #" "# And I just want to say #" "# Just want to say thanks for listening #" "# And I just want to say #" "# Just want to say thanks for listening #" "# And at the risk of sounding slobbery, my dumbness is all right with me #" "# And I just want to say thanks for listening #" "# Hey, everybody, may the dumb be with you #" "# May you always outlive the cafeteria menu #" "# I've been told that life ain't fair #" "# But I really really wish I had perfect hair #" "# And I just want to say #" "# Just want to say thanks for listening #" "# And I just want to say #" "# Just want to say #" "# Thanks for listening #" "# And at the risk of sounding slobbery, my dumbness is all right with me #" "# And I just want to say thanks for listening #" "# It's so completely random, don't you see?" "#" "# Now you've seen the other side of me #" "# Did you teach your dog to fart your grandma's name?" "#" "# Don't look at me, I'm not the one to blame #" "# Hey, everybody, may the dumb be with you #" "# Emergency exit at the rear of the venue #" "# Freaky little girl with the French beret J'" "# Do you know a thing or two about Bastille Day?" "#" "# And I just want to say #" "# Just want to say thanks for listening #" "# And I just want to say #" "# Just want to say thanks for listening #" "# And at the risk of sounding slobbery, my dumbness is all right with me #" "# And I just want to say thanks for listening. #" "(both sigh)" "(music playing)" "# Hey!" "#" "# Hey!" "#" "# You didn't know I was a rock star #" "# Well, here you go, now you know #" "# So you wanna ride around in your car #" "# I should've know, here you go #" "# Falling in love with me #" "# I will never be what you want me to be #" "# I'm the same girl #" "# Same old me. #"