"You guys aren't gonna wear that thing tonight, are you?" " Oh, yes, we are." " Yeah." "Really?" "We're representing our people, the Palestine people!" "We're in Orange County." "So, you think I should wear the black one, he should wear the red..." "No, man, take them off your head." "They look stupid!" "[ARGUING TOGETHER]" "Alright, look, look, look!" "Let's settle it how we always settle it." "[SPEAKING ARABIC] Wrigley's, hummus, baba ghanoush." " Take them off!" " Oh, no!" "[CONTINUES ARGUING LOUDLY]" "Maz Jobrani." "Ahmed Ahmed." "Aron Kader." "with Dean Obeidallah." "It's the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour." "Hold it!" "What is your name?" "Obeidallah." ""Obeydala?" What's that mean?" "Uh, peaceful, friendly Arab?" "You don't look like no Arabic." "Go ahead." "He's clear!" "From the eastern part of Palestine Dean Obeidallah." "Thank you guys so much for coming out to the Axis of Evil." "Let me ask, how many people of Middle Eastern heritage are here tonight?" "Wow!" "It's great to see so many Middle Eastern people coming together in one place voluntarily." "You know." "We want to thank everyone that's come out to support us." "There're the Iranians / Persians," "Arabs, white people," "FBI, ATF, Homeland Security." "Homeland Security?" "The cameras are for Comedy Central." "It's a big sting operation." "Thanks for being a part of it." "Now we got ya!" "So I just flew in from New York yesterday for the show." "I'm so happy to be here." "It's the first time, though, I had to go through a new security screening, we had to put all your liquid into a little plastic bag, I'm sure you've been through this now." "Because terrorists allegedly are gonna mix all fluids together on the plane to build a bomb." "Let me ask this." "Don't you think you'll get a little bit suspicious if you're sitting on a plane, you look next to you, the guy has got ten bottles of different fluids on his tray table." "He's got googles on, and gloves, and a bunsen burner." "He keeps pouring and closing his eyes." "He looks at you and, like, "Do you have a lemon juice, or uh..."" ""...turpentine, or something?"" "Whenever you hear this plot, you know it's a Middle Eastern." "It's gonna make your life more difficult." "That's what I mean, I think more people would rather fly with snakes on the plane than Middle Eastern people at this point." "But to keep us safe, we've got to think of all the Patriot Act, everyone's heard of the Patriot Act." "Remember, we have a thing called freedoms at one point?" "Now we got the Patriot Act." "You know what's amazing?" "I've got to say this honestly." "As someone of Middle Eastern heritage." "It's really important that we catch the terrorists." "As an American, it's also make our life obviously so much more difficult, when someone of Middle Eastern does something." "But do you guys know, on the Patriot Act, any book you take out of any public library, the government can find out the name of that book." "Do you actually think guys in Al Qaeda are going to public libraries and taking books out?" "And they're going, "OK, we've been planning this for years..."" ""...but we need the book."" ""And uh..."" ""And we're, like, $30 over budget, OK?"" ""It's me, I have an impulse buy, OK?"" ""Omar, will you go to the library and try not to look suspicious?"" "And he walks in, "Hello miss Librarian, how are you?"" ""I was looking for a book for me and the guys in our club."" ""Do you have a book on, how do you say..."" ""Waging A Jihad Against The Infidel Dogs." "Is there..."" ""Is there a Holy War section out here, someplace?"" "I think, do you really think our books in the library titles that would give guys in Al Qaeda away, like..." "'I'm Al Qaeda, you're Al Qaeda'" "Or 'Chicken Soup for the Terrorist's Soul'..." "It scares me the government wants to know what you're reading." "President Bush wants to know what you're reading." "You know why?" "He's jealous." "I'm not saying he can't read." "I'm just saying he probably prefers others reading to him, okay?" "He moved up slight, the last few months, in the approval rating." "But as of last week, new poll, he has fallen back to a 34% approval rating, statistically, to put it into perspective, herpes has a higher approval rating right now than President Bush." "E.Coli is gaining on the man, okay?" "Spinach is gonna beat him any day, I'm pretty sure." "Now I have problems with him policy-wise, but he is funny at times as a President." "I mean, he says, I don't know how most people..." "Most people say Al Qeda or Al Qaeda, right?" "Listen to President Bush, I'm not exaggerating." "He now says El Ky-e-duh." "El Ky-e-duh." "It has gone from a Middle Eastern terrorist group to a Mexican Restaurant." "It's like, uh, "I've been on the lookout for El Ky-e-duh,"" ""their head chef Jose bin Laden..."" ""He makes an evil chimichanga."" "So, is it, I'm..." "I'm from Eastern Palestine, also known as New Jersey." "And, uh..." "I'm from New Jersey." "I'm a mixed heritage." "My father is Palestinian, my mother is Italian." "And for the non-Italian, see, maybe you can relate to being an Italian, have you at least been at the olive garden." "Did you ever wear tank top to a job interview?" "Just my mom, fair enough." "My last name is Obeidallah," "I know many people here can relate to this." "For the non-Middle Eastern people, do you know what's it like being of Arab heritage with a Muslim last name, living in America in the last few years?" "I could use a hug." "It is so real, before 9/11 I'm just a white guy, living a typical white guy life all my friends have names like Monica, and Chandler, and Joey, and Ross." "I go to bed September 10th a white, wake up September 11, I'm an Arab." "And it's weird to be Arab in a different world." "It's a place where people say things to my face about my own heritage..." "I think one of the best ways to explain what it's like to be Arab American now is to share with you some of the comments people said to me about my own heritage to my face I've actually written down in this notebook together with the name and address of each person who said it." "This is the actual, I'm not exaggerating, this is the actual comments people said when I tell them I'm Arab." ""Oh, you're Arab." "Wow, I love hummus."" ""Oh, you're Arab." "Okay..."" "Nothing more." ""Oh, you're Arab." "Ah, that's exotic!"" "Yeah, like kiwi, you know." "I'm sweet, tasty, and a little hairy." ""Oh, you're Arab." "Why are your people so angry all the time?"" "Caffeine?" "I don't know what to tell him." ""Oh, you're Arab." "But you look so nice!"" "This one makes little sense." "I've heard this several times." ""Oh, you're Arab." "What a coincidence, I love Indian food!"" "And a friend of mine said "well, you look pretty white." I understand how I look." "But it's my last name, Obeidallah, that gets attention." "And a friend said "why don't you translate it into English translation?"" "Maybe no one will pick up my ethnic heritage during these difficult times." "Let me share with you literally what 'Obeidallah' means, you tell me if it will help." "'Obeidallah' translates into..." "'Servant of Allah.'" "That's not helping at all, is it, folks?" "Dean Servant of Allah?" "How difficult would it be for me to make airline flight reservation for the rest of my entire life?" "I call American Airlines, "Hi, two tickets to LA."" ""Name?" "Oh, Mr. Servant of Allah."" ""OK, hang on." "Let me transfer you to card department."" ""FBI."" "It's been so difficult at times, honestly, being an Arab heritage in post-9/11 world." "I actually wish that the drug companies in America would've come up with medication like a Paxil or Zolo just for Arabs in these times." "You turn on TV and "Hello, are you depressed,"" ""because no one wants to fly in the same plane as you?"" ""Are you anxious because you resemble several people on the government's most-wanted list?"" ""Are you angry because every time you go to the airport,"" ""you are randomly selected for extra screening?"" ""You get randomly selected even when you're just dropping off your friend at the airport?"" ""Do you just want to be treated like a white person again?"" ""Then you need Arab-be-gone."" ""The first medication and especially for Arab-American in a post-9/11 world."" ""Arab-be-gone goes right to work, within days your facial and body hair will stop growing."" ""That goes for Arab men, and women."" ""Within weeks, you no longer use words like habibi or my friend."" ""Instead you start using words like pal, chief, and amigo."" ""And Arab-be-gone comes in great flavors you love,"" ""including hummus, falafel, and lamb."" ""Side effects include loss of our identity,"" ""pretending to be Puerto Rican, dry mouth, and diarrhea."" "After 9/11, honestly I was nostalgic of my childhood." "You know, when I grew up being Arab, it was like, people are curious about you." "I grew up in a place called Lodi, New Jersey." "where there are literally two ethnic groups when I was growing up in Lodi." "Where you're either Italian, or you're my father." "That was the town." "And my dad has an accent, cause he was born in Middle East, the kids are from Jersey, I'm sure you've seen the Sopranos, they have that accent." "And when they met, the fun would begin." "They meet my dad and, like," ""Yo, Mr. Obeidallah, what's goin' on?" "How you doin'?" "What's goin' on?"" "My dad looks at them," ""I don't know." "What is going on?"" ""My wife tells me nothing." "Dean, what is the thing that's going down?"" ""Please, somebody tell me what it is!"" "And the Jersey kid looks at me," ""Your dad has such a freakin' weird accent." "Where's he from?"" ""What, well, he was born in Palestine." He's like," ""Oh, Southern Jersey."" "I'm like "No, no, no." "The Middle East." He's like," ""Oh, like, Ohio?"" ""OK, sure." "Why not, Ohio."" "And my father is a Muslim, and my mom is a Christian." "And I was raised exposed to both religions." "And my dad would come to church at Christmas and Easter, be a part of the family." "And he took communion one time ever." "And he comes back, I look at him and I go" ""What do you think of the communion?" He looks at me and goes" ""It needs more salt."" "I said "Dad, it's not a snack." "It's the body of Christ."" "He was "This I understand." "Why it does not taste better, I do not get it, okay?"" ""You can come with a nacho flavor, or baklava."" ""Something fun for everybody, you know."" "I think the problem is people are afraid of us because they don't know really who we are."" "I mean, honestly, there are basically two new stories about us." "There..." "It's no one's fault, but there are." "There's the bad story, where we're described as militant, gunmen, and terrorists, and then..."" ""...the occasional positive one, where we're described as..."" ""...alleged militant, gunmen, and terrorists."" "I'm jealous!" "We don't get a whole month to celebrate our heritage like other groups in America." "Like African American." "Black History month." "Asians?" "Asian Awareness month." "Hispanic Awareness month." "What do we get?" "Orange Alert." "Not what we want." "And I'll tell you this." "Even the most open-minded people have been pre-conditioned by the media to be afraid of people with accent." "And I can show you, I can show the same thing with, or without the Middle Eastern accent." "You can change the whole meaning." "Like, we go "Hey, wait till Friday night."" ""We've been planning this for months." "People will be talking about this for years!"" "It could be a party." "What if I go, "Wait till Friday night."" ""We've been planning this for months."" ""People will be talking about this for years!"" "Scary, right?" "It's scary because sadly you're all racists, okay?" "And so, our world has changed." "And I'll tell you, I always tell people "I'm not white now anymore."" "And they go "Well, you look white." I understand." "But white to me, in America, is not skin color." "It's status." "It's the way you're treated in society." "And let's put it this..." "My one frank..." "And..." "But let me put it this way." "This difference between us and white peoples." "White people never suffer as a group when a few people do something bad in their group." "You know, Middle Eastern people do." "And honestly, white people, let's be honest." "You've your fair share of bad things." "Corporate scandals, presidential assassinations," "NASCAR." "Paris Hilton." "Country music." "That is audio terrorism to me, man." "And then people aren't satisfied enough, racial profiling of Arabs and Middle Eastern people has gone up, and now have you heard this?" "They want to do religious profiling of Muslims at the airport." "But it's not in your passport, so it's now TSA official's gonna throw in a little questions here and there to figure out your religion." "They'll start out subtly like "Oh, did you pack your own bag?"" ""What do you think of pork?"" ""If I drew a cartoon of Mohammed, will you be mad?"" ""When I say 'Mecca', do you think of a holy place or an urban clothing line?"" "Maybe they'll get a huge ham sandwich at the checkpoint, and if you don't bite it, extra screening!" "We're so racially-profiled now, and I specifically say Arab, because this is an expression." "And I've heard this expression on TV." "People used to say now," "Arabs are the new black." "Cause law enforcement is now focus on Arab over black." "I'm gonna be honest." "When I heard this expression, Arabs are the new blacks," "I was excited." "I'm like, oh my God, we're cool." "White kids in the suburbs in the OC, and Jersey, instead of acting black to be cool, start acting Arab with their friends." "Dress in Arab, wearing, like, traditional Arab headdress, tilted to the side to be cool." "Open shirt, gold chains, smelling like a lamb." "Walking up to each other, going," ""What up, Mustafa?"" ""Where're my Arabs at?"" ""Arab, please."" "White kids pimping their cars to look like taxi cabs." "But you know what?" "Arabs and the blacks make no sense whatsoever." "That doesn't mean anything." "You what, sadly, Arab, Middle Eastern people, Muslims in America, we are the new enemy." "We've replaced the Soviet Union." "And we are stuck here til somebody replaces us." "That's why I'm begging all of you to help me taunt North Korea as much as possible." "It won't take much." "Kim Jong Il, the North Korean leader, is crazy." "He wants attention." "He's like the middle child of this Axis of Evil, this guy." "Have you seen him, with the big glasses and the hair, looks like a James Bond villain, you know." "petting cats, and stuff." "And I got an idea to get Bush interested." "We tell Bush..." "K...im Jong Il has got tons of oil in his hair." "So..." "But before I go, I can only hope that, I mean, we all hope people understand us more." "I also hope, selfishly, for peace in the Middle East." "I have lot of uncles and cousins who live in the West Bank." "Um, I'm sure other people have family there, or they're tied to the region by religion." "And I so believe that if Ehud Olmert, the prime minster of Israel, and Abu Mazen, the president of the Palestinian people, made peace, one, they get the Nobel Peace prize, that's a given." "I also think they would get commercial endorsements worldwide as a result." "Hear me out." "One day you turn on the TV, it's like, "Hello, I am Ehud Olmert."" ""And I am Abu Mazen."" ""For over 50 years, our people have fought each other tooth and nail."" ""In fact, we hated each other very much."" ""But through it all, we've always agreed on one thing."" ""The great taste of Miller Lite."" ""Let's drink!" "Taste great!" "Let's drink!" "Taste great!"" ""Ah, now we fight only about beer."" "You guys, thank you very much, God bless you, thank you so much for coming out." "Come up, sir." "Ooh!" "Wait, you're supposed to take off your jacket." "But I'll do a body search for you, ooh." "Yeah, Middle Eastern George Clooney." "This is uncomfortable." "Is this, uh, that's not necessary, is it?" "Yes it is, honey." "Go on through." "He's clear." "From the Heartland," "Ahmed Ahmed." "Hey, what's up?" "Well, thanks for coming out to the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour." "My name is Ahmed Ahmed." "We have Dean Obeidallah who is Palestinian." "Aron Kader is Palestinian." "Maz Jobrani is Iranian." "We're still looking for a North Korean, so if you know any, we're auditioning tomorrow afternoon." "Next year we're going to do the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour, Musical On Ice!" "So look out for that!" "I heard Dean earlier ask how many Middle Eastern people were here." "How many white people are here tonight?" "White people?" "Welcome to our meeting." "This is going to be fun, fun, fun. that said right after 9-11, hate crimes against Arabs and Middle Eastern people and Muslims went up over 1000 percent." "Yeah." "Which apparently still put us in fourth place behind blacks, gays, and Jews." "Did you guys know this?" "We're still in fourth place." "So what do we have to do?" "I mean, we can't even win in hatred!" "I want to be number one in something!" "It's such a bad time." "I've gotta fly to London at the end of the month and I hate flying because my name is on like nine lists." "I googled my name and it matches the name of a guy in the Middle East who's a terrorist." "I think he's in the Middle East googling me going, "There's this guy in America, man."" "People go up to him, "Hey man, you're so funny." "Tell me a joke!"" ""I'm not a comedian!" "I'm a terrorist!" "Want me to prove it to you?"" ""I'll blow myself up right now, I swear!"" "I hate flying though because I always have to go through the TSA." "They always stop me and go, "Mr. Ahmed, we're going to have to pat down your midsection."" "So, I always look at them and go, "Um, promise?"" "Whenever I get on a plane, I always know who the Air Marshall is." "Yeah, it's always the guy sitting there holding the People Magazine upside down, looking right at me." "That's a shady website - they make you purchase your ticket first, then they tell you what airline you're flying out on, and what time you fly out." "So, I purchased a ticket and it turns out" "I had to fly out at like 4:30 in the morning on like Zimbabwe Air, stop over in Bangladesh, and sit next to farm animals." "And they ask you all these questions on the website like, are you prepared to swim?" "Cause I've got..." "Can you operate a parachute?" "This conversation never happened." "I went online to order a ticket on Southwest Airlines - anybody ever go to Southwest Airlines?" "They are cheap, man!" "They're so cheap when I got on the plane, the pilot asked me for gas money!" "That's how cheap they are!" "All right?" "The only reason I fly Southwest is 'cuz they don't check" "Middle Eastern people." "Try it." "Every time I fly Southwest, "Mr. Ahmed, you're Arab and you're Muslim, huh?"" ""Ah, go ahead, we'll probably crash before you do anything - go ahead."" "I watch a lot of the news, man." "I love watching the Middle Eastern people on the news talk about what's going on in the Middle East, 'cause all Middle Eastern people always start each sentence with," ""ehhhh - ehhhh the damn United States of America, they come into our country"" ""and they bomb our, ehhhhhh -"" "Just finish the sentence, Mostafa!" "I got to go to Dubai, I did comedy in Dubai and that's a Muslim city and anybody ever been to Dubai?" "Hear of Dubai?" "Have you?" "How cool is that place?" "It's a little decadent for me, a little opulent for me." "The guy, Emir, the guy who runs the whole city, he has the only seven star hotel in the whole wide world - in Dubai." "When critics ask who gave it seven stars, he's like, "ehhhh, I gave it seven stars, ehhhh."" "It's a schizophrenic place 'cuz you'll walk down to the beach and see a Muslim woman wearing hijab then you'll see European men in Speedos." "You'll see a mosque and right across the street from the mosque - there's a night club!" "So right around 8 o'clock every night all you hear is:" "[Making sound of call to prayer and club beat]" ""Ehhh, I don't know, I'm so confused."" ""Should I go pray or should I go dance?" "Not quite sure!"" ""Please God, help me with your Arabic accent!" "Please."" "Muslims will come up to me and go, "Ahmed - ehhh, I don't like it when you joke about Islam."" ""OK?" "That is haram." "That is against God."" ""Yeah, I'll take a Heineken." "Like I was saying -"" "Just hypocrites!" "I asked the audience when I went to Dubai, I said, "how many Muslims are here?" They were like," ""Walalalalalal!"" "I go, "how many of you are practicing?" They were like," "It's like you know you are a Muslim when you drink, gamble, have sex - but you won't eat pork!" "That's the weirdest thing, you won't eat pork." "See, I live in Los Angeles, California." "There aren't any Muslims in Los Angeles, California." "A lot of Jews!" "Any Jews here?" "Shhhh!" "Shhhh!" "Shhhh!" "The producers are Jews - you're gonna get me fired!" "All my friends are like, "Hey man how do you have so many Jewish friend?" "What about the Jews"" ""and the Muslims and the war and hate and all that - tell me about that, huh?"" "I'm like, look when you think about, both Jews and Muslims have more in common than any other religion ever." "Both Jews and Muslims don't eat pork, we don't celebrate Christmas, we both use: [making sound of "helch"] in our pronunciation." "We both yell on the phone when there's no emergency." "The only difference between Muslims and Jews is that Jews never like to spend any money and Muslims never have any money to spend." "That's the only difference between the" "Muslims and the Jews!" "That's what I'm trying to tell you!" "I love living in Hollywood 'cuz I've been blessed to work with great people and I stopped doing acting a long time ago and I got into comedy because in the acting world, they always stereo-type you, like I was always cast to play the terrorist - imagine that!" "I was in a movie a while back where I played a terrorist and the movie was about a bunch of terrorists who hijack an airplane - imagine that!" "My agent called me and said, "well, you should go in and read for this part." I said, "what's the part?"" "and she said, 'Terrorist number 4.'" "Because number 1, 2, and 3 went to a black guy, a gay guy, and a Jew." "Number 4!" "I didn't even want to go into the role, my agent said, go in and read for this part!" "I said, all right, I'll just go in and meet the director." "So I go in and meet the director, the casting director," "I read my lines over the top because I just wanted to have fun with it." "The director went nuts!" "He was like, "OK do it one more time."" ""SIT DOWN!" "YOU WILL OBEY!" "OR I WILL KILL YOU IN THE NAME OF ALLAH!"" "He sat there and was like " ""That's exactly what we are looking for!"" ""I want to see you do it again,"" ""but this time give me a little bit more of that Middle Eastern, mmerrroww!"" ""You know how your people are, very - mmerroww!"" "So I was like, "Angry?"" ""Yes, exactly!" "Use that hidden Middle Eastern anger that your people possess!"" "So I used my hidden Middle Eastern anger that my people possess - ha-ha!" "And I got the part!" "My agent called me the next day and said, "they want to put you in this movie!"" "I was like, "I wasn't even trying for the role!" "I was making fun of it!"" "She said, "whatever you did, it worked." "They want to put you in this film."" "I said, "look, tell them I said thanks but no thanks." "Every time I take part like this, it's like"" ""feeding the beast, its like putting fuel on the flame, no way."" "Thank you." "And then she said, "They want to pay you $30,000 for a week at work."" "So I was like " "[Whoooo!" "]" "Ehhhhhh!" "[Walalalalalal!" "]" "[Machine gun sounds]" "Burn it all down!" "So now we're doing the comedy - making fun of what's going on in the Middle East." "We have to - we have to laugh at ourselves, I think, right people?" "We have to laugh at ourselves." "So now we're doing the comedy - making fun of what's going on in the Middle East." "We have to - we have to laugh at ourselves, I think, right people?" "We have to laugh at ourselves." "I'm watching the news, too, and it's like kind of messed up because they're showing like all these terrorist groups." "OK there's like several organizations out there" " Islamic Jihad, people think Hezbollah, Hamas, Al Qaeda... there's so many, how do you know which one is the best one to join?" "Like if you choose to join a terrorist organization, how do you know which one is the best one to join?" "Is it like rushing a fraternity?" "I think they have recruiters." "These guys sitting outside of the mosque going up to these little Muslim boys, "come here, habibi, come here." "I want to talk to you, come here."" ""Don't go to Al Qaeda, they are shit."" ""Come to the Islamic brotherhood." "Why you ask?" "Well, they only promise you 72 virgin."" ""We will give you 72 virgin, one whore -"" ""and a goat!"" "Hey, you guys have been fun!" "God bless you!" "Thank you!" "No, she did not tell you that!" "Tell me she did not..." "No, she did not tell you that!" "No, she did not!" "No!" "He's clear!" "From Midtown, Palestine." "Aron Kader." "Thank you guys!" "Thank you for coming out!" "What a beautiful crowd, beautiful crowd, beautiful, beautiful." "Thanks for coming." "My name's Aron Kader, I'm a Palestinian, any Palestinians here?" "[SPEAKING ARABIC]" "Yeah, usually Arabs don't come to a comedy show." "I mean, it's really difficult." "I mean, in the past, Arabs would come to the comedy show, but they'd sit in the back, in the dark, and go," ""Yeah, that was funny, I liked that."" ""Very funny, very good."" ""Hilarious, my friend."" ""Seriously, that's almost, you can almost hear me laugh,"" ""it's that good, it's that good."" ""Anyone who thinks Arabs don't have a sense of humor, I will kill you and burn your flag."" ""I will do it."" ""We have a very good sense of humor."" "My grandfather, when he emigrated to this country, his name was Abu Hader." "But then at Ellis Island, they changed his name to Kader." "So my last name's Kader, so if I ever have a child, if it's a boy," "I'll definitely name him Al." "Al Kader." "That's a good name." "If I have a girl, I'll name her Darfh." "Darfh Kader." "That's a sweet name." "My dad comes from a Palestinian family, and my mom comes from a Mormon family from Utah." "Yeah, any Palestinian Mormons here?" "Mormons are another group that never comes to see comedy." "They just feel guilty immediately if they laugh, you know, like..." ""What am I doing?"" ""Ah!" "I have to read to the kids!"" "Yeah, I've got a cousin named Jihad." "Any Jihad here?" "It's a very popular name in the late seventies." "I got a cousin named Jihad." "He takes the bus now, everywhere." "Can't fly." "Uh..." "He called me from a Greyhound station, seriously." "And he called me and he was like," ""This sucks!" "The police came and IDing me, looking at me funny,"" ""screw this, man, I'm changing my name to Raymond!"" "Then he changed his name to Raymond Abdul Majid." "That doesn't change anything." "Think!" "Yeah, growing up Palestinian, too, people would be like," ""What are you, Greek, Italian, Jewish?" "What are you?"" ""Palestinian."" ""Pakistilia?" "What the hell is that..."" ""Pakistilia, that sounds made up."" ""So where is Pakistilia?"" "I'm like, "There's no such country as Pakistilia."" ""I guess there's no Palestine, either."" "Uh..." ""You've ever heard of Israel?"" ""Oh, I see, you're Jewish."" ""How many rocks do we have to throw, God damn!"" "I mean, come on." ""I mean, we're responsible for, like, half the terrors in the last 50 years, huh?"" ""Let's pronounce it right:" "Palestine!" "Palestine!" "Pales..."" ""Jesus, sorry."" ""Whatever, Jew, Jeezz..."" "Come on, look at the map." "When I turned 19, the Mormons asked me they pulled me aside, they don't want me to feel left out, the Mormons asked me if I want to be one of those Mormon missionaries," "you know, the Mormon missionaries?" ""I ride a bike, and wear a name tag,"" ""and sleep in a bunk bed with another boy for two years."" ""I park my hair on one side, and I read one book,"" ""and now I get it." you know." "They asked me to be that guy." "They're like," ""Have you thought about going on a mission?"" "I went, "Yeah, look, to an Arab, a mission's a whole different field."" ""Generally, we don't come back from those."" ""Thanks for asking."" "I have my own little mission, my own little personal mission, which is to go back to the homeland, right, go see where my grandma came from, go visit." "I got hundreds of cousins that I just heard about, you know, never met." "So, you know, over the years, I've been there a few times." "Most recently, I was back in the Middle East and, anybody here ever been to the Middle East?" "Yeah?" "That's great." "See, because we've got Middle Eastern people here, but generally, if somebody said "I've been to Middle East," it's like," ""Marine, Army, Navy, Air Force?" "Which one?"" "But, uh... you know, I went over there after 9/11, and... and I was visiting a cousin in Amman, Jordan, right?" "And I'm driving around with my cousin who's, like, all bitching and moaning about America, right?" ""You son of a bitch, America."" ""America, think you're so strong, so powerful, so big and strong."" "Arabs love to cuss in English." "They cuss their heads off in English." "They won't do it in Arabic, because then God could hear them, you know." "But in English, no problem." "God doesn't speak English." ""You know, you son of a bitch bastard, United States,"" ""think you're so big and strong and powerful, this is bullshit!"" ""United States, you are a paper tiger,"" ""you will fall." "You will see."" ""You hungry?" "You want something to eat?"" ""You hungry?"" ""We got Burger King, McDonald's, Pizza Hut..."" ""..." "Applebees."" ""There's a new place called T.A.I.F. Friday's, looks good."" ""You don't want?" "You look tired."" ""You want coffee?" "We got Starbuckas, you like a Starbuckas?"" ""The Starbuckas, I like that place."" ""They got a Frappuccino, I like that, that's a good,"" ""that's a good drink, have you had?" "Oh,"" ""oh, you've had back in the United States..."" ""...son of a bitch."" ""United States think they own everything."" ""Bullshit!"" ""Which hotel are you going to?"" ""Sheraton, Hilton, Mariott, what do you got?"" "I had to stop my cousin in the middle of this, and I was like, "Uh, listen, Fayez,"" ""if America goes down,"" ""we're taking Snickers and Coke and Pepsi and Twix,"" ""you know, we're not leaving a McNugget behind, you understand?"" ""We go down, it all goes down with us."" "And he got mad, and, stops the car. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."" ""You leave these things."" ""Leave the Skittle and Kit-kat and the Baby Ruth."" ""You want to take something, take KFC, I don't like the honey wings."" ""What the hell is a honey wing?"" ""Like honey flies with wings, that's American propaganda,"" ""that bullshit provocateurs!"" "That's when I realize how America dominates, man." "America just dominates with products." "Like I climbed the top of Mount Sinai." "Where Moses spoke to God." "Who did I speak to?" "A little Egyptian kid with an igloo cooler going," ""Lipton, Pepsi, Snickers, yeah." "You want?" "Huh?"" "How mystical and magical up here." "Honestly, for sure." "But that's how we do it." "We just have products, I mean, you have 100 percent chance anywhere on earth of finding a Coke." "You'll never go without a Coke or a Pepsi or a Snickers, man, you can find it 100 percent of the time, everywhere." "You know, you have better than a 50/50 shot of finding a McDonald's." "I mean, other ethnicities, they can't find that." "I mean, like," "There's a Chinatown in every big city in North America, but they don't have a candy bar that sells very well." "You know what I mean?" "They'll have..." "The only reason I can think of is... that we don't like sesame seeds in our candy bars, right?" "But other than that, there's a Chinatown in every big..." "You mean, how many Chinatowns do you need to see, right?" "Once you've seen one Chinatown, you kind of seen them all." "There's Green Dragons and Orange Chickens and Peanut sauce." "I got it." "You know?" "But people aren't always trying to push you to Chinatown." ""Go to Chinatown." "Go check it out." "The Chinatown is pretty sweet."" "If you've seen one Chinatown, like, you've seen it." "I'd like to go to China, and find, like, you know, Americaville." "You know? "USA town, right here!"" ""Come on in, man." "We've got burgers and fries."" ""We've got the satellite dish on with the game,"" ""the sheriff's park up back,"" ""it's Shang-ri-la!" "It's China!"" ""Let's do it, man!" "We're chopping wood and burning it."" "But Americans don't really leave this country to go... set up little American communities in other countries, do we?" "But we do it." "We call 'em military bases." "A different way of spreading our..." "We have military bases in 149 countries and I was like," ""I didn't know there were 149 countries on earth!"" ""That's a lot of coun..."" "I like the way we went to war, because I was like," "Every time Bush approaches the podium, he does one of these." "Always has his hands out." "I don't know why, but he always gets that look in his face before he talks, like..." "He always gets that look in his eyes, right, like," ""I'm about to say some shit!"" ""Alright?" "I'm serious."" "This is Bush's serious face. "I'm serious!"" ""Why are you smiling?" "Cause I'm serious."" "Remember, when we went to war, he comes out and he looks at point and he goes..." "He looks right in the camera, he goes..." ""Hi, Saddam."" ""Hi!"" "I'm like, what is Saddam in Baghdad watching CNN like," ""Oh, my god, is he talking to me?"" ""Holy crap, man, go order some pizza, let's TIVO this, look."" ""The president is threatening me!"" ""Hi, Saddam!" "We're sick and tired of your games!"" ""Understand?"" ""Sick and tired."" "He gets so sick and tired." "He is..." "You can always sense it when he's at a press conference, 'cause when he gets questions, he always does this." ""That's a serious problem."" ""Uh, we'll take care of it."" ""Next question."" "I wish Bush will get..." "I mean, sometimes bush deflects questions." "You know, like, he'll get the question and he'll just deflect it altogether, and just say some things we already know." "Like, you know." ""Look, you wanna get somewhere, you walk or you run."" ""You understand?"" "Like we're stupid, you know what I mean?" ""You get on a bus or a bike or a motorcycle or a train or a car."" ""There's only so many ways you can go, all right, or you fly." "Next question!"" "Thanks." "Thanks, Dr. Phil." "Clears that situation up." "I wish Bush would snap at a press conference one time." "Wouldn't that be great if he just lost his cool?" "Like, he was at an outdoor press conference, lost his speech in the wind, his little earpiece falls out, and he has to improvise?" "You know, gets that one question from Helen Thomas he doesn't wanna deal with?" "You know, he just goes..." ""How about, fuck you!" "Alright?"" ""How about that?"" ""You!" "Fuck you!" "Alright?"" ""They're brown sand people."" ""Hey, they should get all that sand together and make themselves some body scrub."" ""Exfoliate themselves."" ""They're all motherfuckers." "Trust me." "Next question!"" "If Bush just came out and called everybody in the Middle East a motherfucker don't you think half of America, maybe more than half would go..." ""I like that right there, that's honest."" ""I appreciate that."" "All right, you guys, thanks for coming out tonight, thank you." "You're amazing, you guys!" "Oh, my god, you are an actor, aren't you?" "Yeah, I am." " 13 Going on 30?" " Yup." " Friday After Next?" " Yep." " Uh huh." "The Interpreter?" " Guilty." "I like none of them movies." "You havin' a check." "No, no, no, no." "Cavity check!" "Oh, hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, wait, will this help?" "Will that, will that?" "Now I like that kind of movie." "Go on, through, baby." "From the suburbs of Lon..." "Maz Jobrani." "Whoo-whoo!" "What's happening?" "Let's party!" "I'm the Iranian of the group, I'm the Iranian." "Whoo!" "Aw!" "Eehh!" "Whoo!" "♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo, Iran, doo-doo-doo-doo, Iran ♪" "That's what we chant at soccer games." "Um, so..." "Yeah, I'm the Iranian." "It's funny 'cause, people, I tell my American friends, I go," ""Yeah, I'm Iranian." And they go, "Oh, so you're Arab."" "But I'm like, "no, we're actually different, we're not Arab,"" ""but you know, we're similar."" ""You know, we're all gettin' shot at, you know." "That's one thing."" "But, you know, but Iranians are actually ethnically, we're actually, you know, we're Aryan, we're white." "We're white, so stop shooting, you know, that's what I'm trying to..." "Uh." "And then my American friends go," ""Well how can we tell you apart?" "How can..."" "I go, "it's in the accent." "It's in the accent."" "Iranians- when Iranians speak," "They talk, like, slowly." "Iranians talk like this." "Iranians talk like this," "We talk very slow, like maybe we just shot some heroin, we are falling asleep." ""How are you?" "How are you?"" ""I'm Iranian." "How are you?"" ""How are you?"" ""It's Iranian."" ""Okey-dokey, it's Iranian."" ""Take it easy, don't worry about it."" "An Iranian." "And Arab, Arab talk a lot faster, Arab talk faster, Arab talk a lot faster." "Arabs talk like they did some cocaine, talking," ""How are you?" "How are you?" "How are you?"" "[TALKING FAST IN ARABIC]" "Iranian does..." "Iranian is slow," "Iranian, we like, you know," "Iranians don't even say they're Iranian." "Iranians say they're Persian." "Iranian..." "We say we are Persian." "You know, it sounds nicer and friendlier." "We even smile." "When we say we are Persian, we smile." ""I am Persian."" ""I am Persian."" ""I am not dangerous." "I am Persian."" ""I am Persian, like the cat." "Meooow!"" ""I am the cat."" ""Meoooww!"" ""I am Persian, like the rug." "Hellooo."" ""Rug, colorful, hand-woven."" "Arab's faster." "Arab a lot of..." "And it's funny too, because Arabs are, like my friend, Ahmed Ahmed," "These guys, when they speak, perfect English, no accent." "When they say the word 'Arab', they get very guttural, very..." "You know, they're very proud to be Arab." "And it was weird, it's very violent." "Like I was, "hey dude, where are you from, again?"" "He was like, "Me, what am I?" "Me?" "Me?" "Me?"" ""I'M ARAB!" I say "What the hell?"" ""Like Bondar?"" ""I'm Arab, alright?"" ""I am Persian." "Meow!"" "Okay." "♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo, Iran, doo-doo-doo-doo, Iran ♪" "Iranian's too, like, you know, we're very sneaky, we're like," ""I am Persian." "OK, we have a nuclear program,"" ""OK, we have..."" ""but it is a peaceful nuclear program."" ""Peaceful."" ""We'll blow you up then we'll hug you."" ""Come on."" ""Persian, is it."" "Zhechabin!" "Oh my God, yeah, yeah, yeah." "But no, we are very similar, now, man." "I know you guys get like, I get like stupid questions." "I know you do too." "Like, people think just 'cause I'm from the Middle East, I'm an expert on the Middle East." "So like I got a friend, like anytime the gas prices go up, he'll always ask my opinion about it." "He'll always corner me." ""Hey Maz, hey Maz, in your opinion, what's going on with this gas thing?" "What is..."" ""What's gonna happen, what's going on, 50 words or less."" ""Break it down, would you?"" ""You're my Middle Eastern friend."" "Like, "Dude, I don't work at OPEC, I don't know." "I..."" "I pay the same price as you, you know." "Like, I don't have a discount pump at the gas station." "I don't walk in like, "Hassan, Jose, discount pump?" "OK, my friend." "Fantastic!"" ""Yeah."" ""Fuck America, huh?" "Yeah, I..."" "I get stupid questions." "The same guy thinks I know when the next terrorist hit is going down." "He'll ask my opinion about it." "He's been, "hey, Maz, what's the word on the street?"" "I'm like, "what street, dude?"" "He's like, "bro, I've been watching CNN, I know you know somebody." "What's going on?"" "I tell him, "dude, I don't know any terrorist, okay."" ""I've never met one, or talk to one, not even accidentally."" "I've never been home late one night, got a phone call, pick it up, and heard like," ""Hello?" "Hassan, it goes down tomorrow at midnight."" ""Who is this?" "Oops, sorry, wrong number."" "Even that." "It's funny 'cause actually, I do get those questions, and I did that joke one night at a show, and another friend of mine was at the show." "Then he e-mailed me the next day." "He was joking with me." "He e-mailed me on my hotmail." "He said, "hey, Maz, had a great time last night at the show."" ""By the way, when's the next terrorist hit going down?" "Ha ha."" "So I got on my hotmail and I was like, well, I'm not being flagged, I can respond, right?" "So I was like, "hey, man, I been talking to Al Qaeda,"" ""And..." "Um, the next terrorist hit is going down on the lower east of Iceland." "Ha ha."" "Send." "Yeah, next day, I tried to log onto hotmail, account closed, access denied." "I said, "Oh, my God, I got flagged!" "I got flagged!"" "I was freaking out." "I tried to contact hotmail, you know." "To tell them I'm a comic." "I'm a..." "I put 'ha ha'!" "I put 'ha ha'!" "Al Qaeda doesn't put 'ha ha', right?" "Al Qaeda doesn't send e-mails, "American pigs must die, ha ha."" "They don't do that." "They don't forward e-mails, "you know, Mustafa, you're gonna love this one." "LOL." "Laugh Out Loud."" "They don't do that." "And I tried to contact hotmail, but they don't have a phone number." "I go home, try and look it up, there's no phone number for hotmail." "I tried to find them." "I found out who owned them, Microsoft Network." "I called them up." "I said, "Hello, Microsoft,"" ""you know, I'm having some problems." "I'm a comic." And I tried to explain." "They go, "we can't help you out, but we'll put you through to someone who can."" "And I swear, I think they passed me through to Iraq," "I think." "Because, you know, they used to be, they would send you to India for tech support, you know." "But I think Iraq is cheaper now, I swear to God." "'Cause you know, I know the accent." "You know, if it were India, it'd be like, "Hello, what is going on?"" ""Having trouble with your hotmail, we'll take care of it." You know." "But it wasn't, it was an Arabic accent, like," ""What is going on?" And I think it was Iraq, 'cause she was in a rush to get me off the phone, like, there was a war going on in the background." "I swear, she's like, "What, you're having trouble with your hotmail?"" ""There's a fucking war going on here!"" ""Just 'cause you put 'ha, ha' doesn't make it funny."" ""All right, you're heckling me from Iraq, what's up?"" "No, and then it took me weeks." "They said, send e-mails." "I had to send e-mails back and forth, weeks, weeks, weeks." "Finally I'm on the internet." "I'm so happy, I'm back." "But I'm freaked out on the internet." "You guys should be to." "Don't joke on the internet, okay?" "Like I'm on that myspace now." "And you can go and join my myspace, you know," "Yeah!" "Yes." "Yes." "Add me as a friend, we can be friends, but don't send me an e-mail going like," ""Hey, Maz, when's the next terrorist hit going down?"" "'Cause I'll respond, "Fuck you, I'm a patriot!"" ""You're looking for Ahmed Ahmed."" "Oh my God." "But no, what I love about what we do with our show, you guys, is all about putting out the positive, and, and, expressing we can come together and laugh, you know." "Like, I was talking about this, you know." "I'm originally a muslim, but I have friends from all religions, all ethnicities." "I've told them, "Man, you're celebrating your religion,"" ""let me know." "I'm coming and I'm celebrating with you."" "And I've done it." "Yeah!" "Yes!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, man." "I have, I have Christian friends, and Bahain friends, and Jewish friends, all I've celebrated with." "My Jewish friend, one time, actually invited me over for Sabbath dinner one time." "Friday night." "Yes, I went, I had it, it was a great time." "They gave me a matzah ball, I ate it." "It was delicious." "It was." "Give me a yamaka, I put it on, it was cool." "Yeah." "But it was weird." "'Cause as soon as I prop the yamaka, I started to cover up with business ideas." "Is that supposed to happen?" "My IQ increased by 20 points." "My practical's doubled." "It was strange." "No, actually I did come out with business ideas, when I propped the yamaka, and I'm bald, it started sliding." "I was like, "dude, you need like a velcro yamaka."" "And he's like, "we can't do that."" "I go, "what about suction cup yamaka?"" "That's a brilliant idea." "Just lick it, and," "Hava nagila." "No, man." "It is cool, though, you know." "And the thing that frustrates me is when I see us on TV nowadays, who they always showed?" "They always show the crazy dude burning American flag, going," ""Death to America!" Always that guy." "Just once, I wish they would show us doing something good, man." "Right?" "Just once, right?" "Yeah, man!" "Right?" "Show us out!" "Show us doing something good." "Like, you know, like, baking a cookie or something, right?" "'Cause up in Iran, we have cookies." "Just once, I want CNN to be like," ""Now we're gonna go to Mohammed in Iran."" "They go to some guy, like, "Hello, I'm Mohammed."" ""And I'm just baking a cookie."" ""I swear to God." "No bombs, no flag, nothing."" ""Back to you, Bob."" ""Do the whole news piece."" "They're never gonna do that." "Even if they ever did that, they will follow it up with another news piece." "It will be like, "This just in." "A cookie bomb just exploded."" ""Mohammed, you sneaky Persian."" "Always, we get the bad end." "Like in the World Cup." "You guys watch the World Cup?" "You saw the World Cup, right?" "Right?" "The famous headbutt?" "You saw the headbutt, right?" "And it was the French dude, Zinedine Zidane, and the Italian dude, Materazzi, and they were..." "It looks peaceful, it looks peaceful." "And they're walking back, and Materazzi grabs Zidane's jersey, and Zidane turns to him, and was like," ""You can have it after the game."" "You know, like, to say, like," ""Oh, you are gay." "Let's go." You know that kind of thing?" "Yeah, and the Italian guy was like, "Hey, I'd rather a-banging your sister."" "That's what he said." "Yeah." "And Zidane was like, "You don't talk about my sister!" Like that, you know." "And he went over, he headbutt him," "Boom!" "Right in the chest." "And the Italian guy was like, "Ow, that a-hurt!" And he went down." "Yeah!" "But what I observed as a Middle Eastern, and I watched the French's reaction." "And before the whole thing, the French loved Zidane." "They were like, "We love Zinedine Zidane."" ""Zinedine Zidane is one of ours." "He's a French Champion!"" ""We love him!"" ""He's the best, Zinedine Zidane." "We call him Zizou." "He's the sharp!"" ""We love him!"" "After the headbutt, they're like, "This fucking guy's Algerian."" ""He's muslim!" "We should have known it all along."" ""They are crazy!"" "We get the bad rap, man." "You know who's doing well in breaking stereotypes in mainstream media, and I'm proud of them, are Asians." "Breaking stereotypes in mainstream media, this is how I figured this one." "I was watching, there was a car commercial for Mercedes Benz." "And the drivers of the car in the commercial, were Asians." "Yeah, how crazy is that?" "Right?" "'Cause it's the stereotype." "The stereotype is "Asians can't drive."" "That's the stereotype, right?" "But Mercedes is like, "No, they can drive."" ""They will drive." "They'll drive our cars."" "Right, I mean, if you want to read between the lines, you could say Mercedes is making a racist statement, you know." "You could say Mercedes's saying "Hey, we're a safe car."" ""So safe, even Asians can drive it."" "But, at least there's Asians in commercials breaking stereotypes, right?" "Middle Easterners aren't breaking stereotypes, not in commercials." "Right, you never turn on the TV, and see a United Airlines commercial with a Middle Eastern pilot." "Right, they'll never see me saying like, "Come fly the friendly skies."" ""I dare you."" "And here's my thing, too." "People are cool, man." "People are cool." "Politicians mess it up." "Politicians put us all against each other, man." "I don't like any of them." "Ours, theirs, none of 'em." "And like, Bush?" "I can't believe he's the president." "Even if you voted for him, you gotta admit, you gotta admit, every time he's on TV, he just doesn't look presidential." "He doesn't." "Every time Bush is on TV, I'm watching him, like," ""He's not the president."" "Someone's pulling our leg, someone's messing with us." "Every time I see Bush on TV, I'm waiting for Ashton Kutcher, saying "You've all been punk'ed!"" "Right?" "Osama comes running out of his cave, he's like, "I was in on it, too!"" "Makes sense." "Osama has been hiding for six years." "Think about it." "That's a good hider, people." "That guy is great." "I can't hide for more than six minutes." "This guy's doing it for six years!" "Osama is like the Michael Jordan of hiders." "Just think about it." "I bet he's come out of high school, he was voted the most likely to hide." "Right?" "And I bet when he was a kid, whenever he's gonna play hide-and-seek, the other kids were pissed cause they knew the game was gonna take forever." "Talking, they like, "You let Osama play?"" ""Oh, shit!"" ""The game's gonna take six years, you know."" ""OK, fine." "Go hide." "I'll count, asshole!"" ""One, two..."" ""We're gonna miss our high school graduation."" ""Three, four,"" ""He's so tall." "How does he do it?"" ""Five, six..." "Is he gonna hide in his cave again?"" ""Seven, eight... and put up a videotape?"" "Osama is actually heard recently, he had a magazine, he put out a magazine called, uh..." "Jihad Magazine." "He did, he did." "I'm like, what," ""What kind of article is in that?"" "Like, you know where's there's "Fifty ways to lose weight."" ""Number one: blow yourself up."" "They're like," ""Mustafa lost 200 pounds in one second."" "Iran..." "Politicians of Iran are talking shit to America." "Why..." "Why would you talk shit to America?" "America has recently bombed your neighbors." "America has bombed Iraq and Afghanistan." "Iran is in the middle." "It's a good time to be quiet." "Right?" "Right?" "Right?" "It's like being in a nightclub and the bouncer has knocked out your friends, and you're still talking shit, right?" "Come on..." "I'll tell you why Iran is talking shit." "There's a lot of opium usage in Iran." "Yes, the politicians are high." "You have to be high to talk shit to America." "'Cause opium's supposed to mellow you out, but I think it also makes you delusional." "I do, I think they're getting high and they're going, "Hey, you know what we should do?"" ""Let's call America."" ""Give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the phone, give..."" ""Let me talk, let me talk, I feel good, let me talk..."" ""Hello, America."" ""Fuck you!"" ""Bring it on, bitch!"" ""We'll kick your ass!"" "And then they hang up and they go, "Hey, guys, do we have a military?"" ""Oh, we don't?"" ""Oh, America, just kidding!"" ""I am Persian." "Meow!"" "Bullshit!" "The next day, the president of Iran's like," ""Did I drunk dial Bush again last night?"" ""I'll stop drunk orange juice."" "That's the beauty of this country, guys." "We can have these debates, we can talk about this." "We should be critical of government, of politicians." "You should be and that's the beauty of this country." "And that's why we have to have these open debates." "It's like, I couldn't be making fun of the president of Iran in Iran." "Right?" "You'd be like, "Hey, Maz, that was a good show." "When's your next show?"" "I'd be like, "There are no more shows."" ""The ministry of No-Show showed up."" ""My next show will be in prison and I'll be performing like this."" ""You know, I think that's one joke."" ""And, uh..."" ""They didn't like it."" "I was expressing myself one night at a comedy club, talking about peace, and this one guy disagreed with me." "He starts going "Booo!"" "And I go "You're booing peace?"" "He goes "Yeah!"" "I go "You're an idiot!" He goes "You're an idiot!"" "I go "I'm gonna kick your ass!" He goes "I'm gonna kick your ass!"" "And I started losing control, I was like, "Whoa whoa, wait a minute."" ""I started talking about peace, and I'm losing myself?" "What's going on?"" "And I have to stop and think in mind, like," "Did heroes of peace ever lose it?" "Did Martin Luther King Jr. ever just lose it?" "Did Gandhi ever lose it, right?" "Did anyone ever say something to Gandhi, he was like," ""All right." "That's it." "The loincloth is coming off!"" ""Let's go!"" ""Pull down his sandals while I kick his ass." "Let's go!"" ""Premat!"" ""Oh my God, I can't fight."" ""You're lucky I let two grain of rice today." "I'm so tired."" ""I'm so tired."" "Speaking of Indian, actually I got married to an Indian woman, uh, a year ago." "Yes, yes." "Beautiful Indian woman." "I have to clarify this." "People go, "Wow, Indians are..." [BLABBING] then you know, and I was..." "I was gonna say "No, not casino Indian, computer Indian." You know what I'm saying." "Yes." "Yes." "I married tech-support." "That's right." "That's right." "Anytime I got a computer problem," ""Honey, Windows XP isn't working."" "She's like, "I will take care of it."" "You know, she does." "She does." "No, she doesn't talk like that." "She grew up here." "But that's a fun accent to do." "Any time you feel sad, just go "How-do-do-toy." That'll cheer you up." "I swear to God." "OK, I'm gonna leave you guys with this." "Real quickly." "I'm gonna leave you with this." "Please." "I always say this." "Please," "Stop blaming Middle Easterners for everything, OK?" "And I always say it's not always us." "Right?" "It is not always us, OK?" "I mean," "Quite often, it is, but not always." "We get blamed for everything." "Whatever happens." "Like there was a blackout in New York a few years ago." "The news came on, they're like," ""There's been a blackout, terrorists might have been involved."" "Then a week later, they're like, "Oops, sorry, just Enron," right?" ""There's a traffic jam on the Five, terrorists might be involved."" ""Oops, sorry." "Just cars." You know, it's like..." "And it started with the anthrax." "Remember, the anthrax, they tried to blame on us?" "I knew that wasn't a Middle Easterner." "That's not now the Middle Easterners work." "Right?" "Middle Easterner was like "What, you want me to put the anthrax in the envelope,"" ""put the stamp on the envelope and mail it?"" ""No, no, no, no, no."" ""That is not how I do it, no, no."" ""Can I wrap the anthrax around myself and run into somebody?"" ""That is how I do it."" ""You know, one, two, bang, like, that, you know what I'm saying?"" ""I can get two people, one, two, that's it."" ""Any more, I hurt my back."" ""One, two, ow, it hurts."" ""I've been in a cave for six years with Osama." "I'm old."" "We all know who did the anthrax." "It was some hillbilly dude." "You know some redneck was like," ""Right about now's a good time to send out some anthrax."" ""Blame the god damn A-rabs, that's what I'll do."" ""Blame them god damn kebab-eating, Mercedes-Benz driving,"" ""camel riding, 7-eleven owning, Slurpee selling, gas price raising,"" ""uni-brow connected, hairy-chested motherfuckers!"" "Right?" "Right?" "You know it was." "And they have not caught him yet." "I hope they catch that guy eventually, because that'll make everyone realize we got haters of all kinds, you guys." "White, black, Asian, Middle Eastern, Latin, all kinds of haters." "And what we have to do as a people is counter the hate with some love, right?" "Yes, spread the love, man." "Right?" "I mean, they're going around, they were putting anthrax in the mail, they were putting anthrax in the water." "Hey, man, you wanna put something in my water?" "Put some ecstasy in my water." "That's the kind of terrorist I'm looking for." "Right?" "I drink the water, I'm like this..." "♪ Oh, my God ♪" "♪ I think they got me ♪" "♪ Those damn terrorists!" "♪" "♪ Call the FBI!" "♪" "♪ Tell them to bring some lollipops ♪" "♪ 'Cause that rolls it ♪" "You guys, that's my time." "That's our show." "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you." "We are the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour!" "One more time!" "For all the comics you see tonight." "Please, give it up for Aron Kader!" "Give it up for Ahmed Ahmed!" "Give it up for Dean Obeidallah!" "Give it up for TSA, Ms. Loni Love!" "Thank you very much!" "We are the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour." "Thank you and good night!"