"You ever wonder why in all these scary movies you never see one fat vampire?" "That's easy... they drink nothing but blood and that's pure protein." "Oh, yeah, there's no carbs." "Exactly." "If I could stand the taste of it," "I'd fill up my sports bottle." "It's not just vampires." "There are no chubby monsters." "Not true." "Godzilla kind of had a gut." "Nah, he just lived in Tokyo, so he ate nothing but people filled with white rice and MSG." "(chuckles)" "You're smart." "(laughs)" "I love our little talks." "(chuckles)" "What is it?" "Food in the tooth or bat in the cave?" "No, no, no, you're fine." "I was actually just... thinking how fun it would be to have our own little... monster sitting here between us." "I thought your mom hated scary movies." "I'm talking about a baby, you know?" "Bringing a little me and you into the world." "And you really imagine it being little, huh?" "As long as it doesn't have that big pumpkin head of yours." "If I see Charlie Brown on the sonogram, he's staying in there." "All right, you talked me into it." "Let's knock you up." "Wait, wait." "Wait, wait, we... need to discuss the logistic of this first." "Hey, I know how to make a baby... we just do it the way we've been doing it, but no slicker on the vicar." "Mike, we... we have no money, we live in a house with three other people and you're still calling your penis "the vicar""" "I won't say it around the kid." "The point is we both want a family, and all that other stuff will work itself out." "We're talking about another human being." "I mean... well, a life that we're responsible for for at least 18 years." "At least 18?" "Look at you... you still live with your mother." "We sleep in ur childhood bed." "Wh..." "Hey, that's my big-girl bed, and I bought it myself." "Granted, Mom loaned me the money, but I think she forgot it, so... technically, it's mine." "Well, I guess, when you weigh the pros and cons, maybe it doesn't make sense for us to have a kid right now." "Yeah, I..." "I agree." "You know, smart thing is... is to wait." "Although... if our folks would've waited for the perfect time, you and I probably wouldn't be here." "Mmm." "The way my mom tells it," "I owe my existence to a tight tube top and a loose condom." "I was makeup sex after an ugly New Year's Eve party." "I'm guessing the sex wasn't pretty, either." "What are you thinking?" "Well, this movie stinks, we got the whole house to ourselves, we've been talking about sex for the last five minutes." "You're the smart one..." "what do you think I'm thinking?" "Get your vicar up the stairs." "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love. ♪" "MIKE:" "♪ You're having my baby ♪" "♪ What a lovely way ♪" "♪ Of saying how much you love me ♪" "♪ You're having my baby. ♪" "You realize we actually have to do it first, and singing that song isn't exactly setting off my smoke alarm." "(chuckles) I'm just a little nervous." "This is the first time we're going to have sex for the reason God intended." "Well, do your job right, and I'll give him a couple of shout-outs when we're in the thick of things." "(laughs)" "All right." "Let's put a toddler in your tank." "(chuckles)" "Yeah, sweetie, I really... appreciate your enthusiasm, but, you know, it probably won't happen the first time." "Don't underestimate my sperm." "They're like red ants on a wet Smartie." "I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but..." "I actually prefer the singing to the talking." "♪ You're having my baby. ♪" "Wait." "I'm gonna put on my lucky Cubs hat." "Are you kidding?" "Hey." "Almost everything good that's ever happened to me," "I was wearing that hat, including the first time I laid eyes on you." "(softly):" "Get the hat." "What the hell?" "Maybe I'll put on my lucky lotto bra." "I am telling you, Carl, reproductive sex is the best kind of sex." "It's got all the fun of regular sex, but with a prize at the end." "It's like Cracker Jacks." "Can we talk about something other than the fact that you got laid?" "I didn't just "get laid."" "I was making love to my soul mate, Oh." "Participating in the creation of another human life." "What did you do last night?" "I watched porn and had sex with myself." "(groans)" "Which was also beautiful." "(groans)" "You know what, breakfast is on me." "SAMUEL:" "Oh, wonderful." "And will my insulting tip be in nickels and pennies or in lint-covered Life Savers?" "Why don't you celebrate President's Day with Mr. Lincoln and Mr. Washington." "Mm-hmm." "They're real." "Yeah, well, you understand my suspicions." "You've never given me a Washington and a Lincoln in paper form." "I'm in a good mood..." "Molly and I are trying to get pregnant." "Oh, congratulations." "I guess you'll be eating for two now." "He's been eating for two ever since he was two." "I'm saying we're trying, but I'm guessing last night took." "Mmm." "If my sperm are anything like me, they're determined swimmers." "If your sperm are anything like you, they're floating in the kiddie pool wearing water wings and eating Dreamsicles." "Boy, you're in a mood." "Hey, I just broke up with my girlfriend." "I don't want to hear how happy and in love you are." "I understand and I apologize." "In my excitement, I forgot you'd recently been crapped on." "Just dial it back." "If you're gonna be a father someday, you got to recognize the needs of a vulnerable and fragile creature." "Just... just think of me as an emotional newborn." "I usually do." "I'm sorry." "(Victoria and Molly laugh)" "(laughing):" "Okay, okay, okay, we are technically trying to get pregnant, but, you know... we're just not telling everybody and making a big deal out of it." "That's best." "Once you raise people's expectations, it puts too much pressure on the relationship." "JOYCE:" "Exactly." "And it takes all the fun out of making the baby." "And you better have fun now, because once you have kids, your life is gonna change." "Tell me about it..." "your dad and I had a ball before you girls were born." "I mean, I-I'm not saying our lives ended;" "Just the good parts." "But having children brought you a lot of joy, right?" "Eh." "A couple laughs here and there, but mostly just trying to keep you little idiots alive." ""Idiots"?" ""Idiots"?" "Mom!" "Have you ever met a toddler, hmm?" "Dumb as rocks." "You'd chase a firefly in front of a bus, and you were a biter." "People, cats, extension cords." "We almost had to put a cone on you." "(laughing)" "It is a lot of hard work, but there are a lot of rewards, too." "Yeah, that's what people tell you, but people are liars." "VICTORIA:" "There's Papa Bear," "Stop it." "Hey, sweetie." "How was your day?" "Good." "What are you ladies doing?" "Oh, just listening to Mom talk about her... little bundles of regret." "Christina, you're here." "Hey, Mike." "How you doing?" "I'm doing good." "Life is good." "Enjoy it while you can." "Before you know it, you'll be sleep-deprived and trying to pry your kid's teeth off a cat's tail." "Can I talk to you for a second upstairs?" "Sure." "Ooh!" "Upstairs!" ""Upstairs." Whoo!" "Stop it, you guys." "This will just take a minute." "Ooh, a quickie!" "After you have kids, all you get are quickies." "Foreplay is putting out your cigarette and moving your underwear off to the side." "(quietly):" "What the hell is she doing here?" "She's my mother, and it's her house." "Not her." "Christina." "I invited her." "Well, she's the enemy now." "Get her out of here, and use the back door in case Carl drives by." "No." "She was in my wedding, and she's my friend." "Hey, I like her, too, but she dumped my partner, my best friend, so she's dead to us." "Like that Italian restaurant that started charging for garlic bread." "Mike, this isn't high school." "I'm not gonna stop hanging out with Christina 'cause she broke up with Carl before the big game." "This isn't about Carl;" "It's about me." "He doesn't keep his unhappiness to himself." "He spreads it around like head lice." "Wh-Wh-What are you doing?" "After you give Christina the heave-ho," "I thought, well, you and I could have baby sex." "Well, I-I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not giving Christina the heave-ho." "So is that a no on the baby sex?" "I didn't say that." "But no kissing." "I'm mad at you." "Morning." "Morning, Little Mama." "So, what have you been thinking about for names?" "Vince, it's a little early to start picking out baby names." "Not for the baby; for me." "I don't like Poppy, Pop-Pop or Pee-Paw." "None of the "P"s." "Okay, so Poop Face, Peckerhead, and Pain In The Ass are out?" "Yes." "I'd prefer Granddaddy, Gramps or Grand Master Grampy." "All right, well, if I ever let you anywhere near my child," "I'll give him a list." "Knock, knock." "Hey, is Mike ready to go?" "Hey, he's running a little late this morning." "I'll let him know you're here." "She's burning his candle at both ends, and by "candle," I mean..." "Shut up, Poop Pop!" "Mike, Carl's here!" "MIKE:" "Down in a minute!" "Hmm." "Can I ask you something?" "Sure." "Um," "I know you and Christina are on the outs, but you're okay with... me and her, you know, staying friends, right?" "Of course." "Why wouldn't I be?" "That's what I told Mike." "He said that he thinks you expect me to choose sides." "He said that about me?" "(scoffs)" "He really does not know people." "So, you're okay with us being friends?" "Yeah!" "I mean, just because it didn't work out between the two of us doesn't mean I don't want it to work out between the two of you." "I knew you'd say that." "Yeah." "It's very evolved of you." "I believe in taking the high road." "A lot less traffic." "Let's roll." "Bye, Molly." "Bye." "You know the great thing about trying to make a baby?" "You sleep like a baby!" "I don't know how you sleep at all, you duplicitous, lying backstabber." "Sounds like somebody missed breakfast." "Come on, Carl." "I'm just as upset about this whole thing as you are." "Oh, really?" "Absolutely." "When I walked in the house and saw Christina there," "I felt just as betrayed as you did." "Hang on a second." "She's been inside your home?" "Technically, it's not my home." "It's Molly's, and I have no pull there." "I'm basically just an outside dog that gets to sleep on the bed." "Hey, it's your life, man." "If you want to be friends with Christina, it's none of my business." "I don't want to be friends with Christina." "In fact, I was just being nice to her because she was dating you." "Oh, so your two-faced nature is not exclusive to just me." "All right, clearly you're not in the mood to listen." "I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day." "You hungry?" "Yes." "You talked to me." "Shut up and drive." "You talked again." "(yells)" "I'm just saying, be careful." "You think your kids are gonna fly the coop at 18, but they never do." "At this point, I'd settle for 40." "All right, I get it, Mom." "I ruined your life." "Whoa, where did that come from?" "Oh, hey, honey." "How was your day?" "Let me explain something to you." "The relationship between two cops is built on trust, and when that trust is broken, bad things happen." "What are you talking about?" "I got tagged." "Are you happy now?" "Wait." "Wow, now he looks even more like an abandoned building." "Wait." "What happened?" "I was trying to apprehend some kid with a spray can and another kid snuck up behind me and did this." "How long did it take you to realize it?" "'Cause there's a lot of detail work in this." "And you know what Carl was doing while I was being defaced?" "De-laughing?" "This is on you." "You didn't take his side against Christina, and now my partner no longer has my back, my big, spray-painted back." "I'm sorry this happened, but I'm not choosing sides." "MIKE:" "Fine, but good luck getting sperm from a dead man!" "I do it every night you eat pizza." "(monsters growling over TV)" "Not one monster of color." "They'll let the lagoon be black, but not the creature." "(doorbell rings)" "Hey." "Hi, Carl." "Sorry to just stop by like this." "If you and Mike are having troubles," "I don't want to get in the middle of it." "I'm not one to take sides." "I know you're mad at me for staying friends with Christina." "What?" "Just because you're BFFs with the B-I-T-C-H who B-R-O-K-E my H-E-A-R-T?" "Instead of spelling on the porch, can we just talk inside?" "All right." "I don't know what there is to talk about." "You chose Christina's friendship over mine." "I did not choose her over you." "I shouldn't have to." "That's the point." "And I shouldn't have to protect a grown man from getting his back spray-painted by two children." "Right?" "I mean, you'd think he'd have heard the giggling or the shaking of the can." "I even honked the horn two times." "Man didn't even turn." "(chuckles)" "Look, just because I'm still friends with Christina, that doesn't mean I don't care about you." "You do realize that if it wasn't for me, you and Mike wouldn't have even met." "I do." "I also know that you'd never let any real harm come to him." "Yeah, on or off the job." "I understand the meaning of friendship." "And you're always gonna be an important part of our lives." "Yeah?" "Of course." "Our kids are gonna need their Uncle Carl." "Mmm." "Uncle Carl." "Won't that be confusing if he's also named Carl?" "We're not really at the point of picking out names yet." "You better tell your husband to quit making promises." "You know, my middle name's Enoch." "You got any use for that?" "Enoch Biggs?" "Yeah." "Can I think about it?" "Hey, girl." "Everything all right?" "Yeah, sorry I'm late." "I had a friend going through a bit of a crisis." "Oh, no problem." "Is she okay?" "Uh, yeah, yeah, she's fine." "I don't know why I just lied." "It's not a "she" we're talking about." "It's Carl." "Oh, Carl." "How's he doing?" "He's doing good, yeah." "Considering, you know, the breakup and everything." "Which is none of my business 'cause you're both still my friends." "I'm sure he'll be fine eventually." "Oh, absolutely." "He'll bounce back." "He's just a little emotional right now." "He can be so childish sometimes." "Well, I don't know if I'd call him childish." "I mean, he certainly wears his heart on his sleeve." "Definitely challenging being in a relationship with him." "I've never dated a man that cried more than me." "He does get weepy, but that's why we love him." "I mean... not you anymore, but... that's none of my business." "Do you know how many hysterical voice messages that man has left me since we broke up?" "I do not." "He and I don't talk about you;" "We probably shouldn't talk about him." "Fifty-five." "(quietly):" "Wow." "That's only crazy if you really... stop to think about it." "My six-year-old son has more sense than him." "Okay, that's a little harsh." "I mean, I could overlook the fact that he still lives with his grandma, but the man was so clingy." "Do you know how many times he asked me to marry him?" "South or north of 55?" "Almost every other day." "Every time I took a bite of something," "I was worried I was gonna swallow an engagement ring." "Mmm... he's kind of a romantic." "He's kind of a nitwit." "All right." "You know what, name-calling is not okay." "He's a friend of mine, godfather to my un-conceived child, and if you're gonna keep trash-talking him, then do it curbside." "Y-You're kidding." "Yeah, hit the bricks, sister." "If you're gonna take the low road, you're gonna take it on foot." "I don't believe this." "You're as crazy as he is." "Well, that works out fine, because I choose him." "55 messages." "You nitwit." "You're home early." "Everything okay?" "I think I just broke up with Christina." "What are you talking about?" "She started bad-mouthing Carl, and next thing I knew," "I was kicking her out of my car and giving her the finger in my rearview mirror." "That certainly sounds like a breakup." "What was she saying about him?" "She called him a clingy, needy crybaby." "Well, she's not wrong." "I know, but for some reason," "I started getting very protective of him." "I get it... he's a giant pain in the ass, but you can't help but love him." "I know." "Why is that?" "For me, I think it's his round, bald head." "He looks like a big, goofy baby." "I bet that's it." "He brings out my maternal instincts." "Mine, too." "He pisses me off most of the time, but I can't stop loving him." "Mmm, I feel the same way." "Like good parents." "So maybe we are ready." "And raising actual kids won't be nearly as much trouble as raising Carl." "How could it be?" "Oh, I bet they cry a lot less, too." "Well, I'm ready if you are." "Let's do it." "Put your hat on." "Mmm." "Frontwards or backwards?" "Mike!" "I'm talking about the hat." "Oh." "Backwards."