"You think maybe she's dead?" " Forget it." "This is totally impossible." " You've got to be patient." "Turning yourself into fire, water and wind is one of the hardest things a witch has to learn." "For me, it was learning when to say no to pie." "Listen, stop thinking about how bad it feels to get it wrong, and start thinking about how good it's gonna feel when you get it right." "Okay, I'll try again, but this time if my legs go numb," "I want help getting off the bed not just pointing and jeering." "Concentrate." "You are no longer a physical being." "You are a fluid entity." "You are water." "Hey, I did it." "Yes, you did." "And it only took you four weeks." "Am I the only one thinking we should have purchased some rubber sheets?" "It's me in a nutshell." "[CHUCKLES]" "Oh, no." "I knew this day would come." "Zelda, there's no music." "Westbridge High just hired me to be their new substitute chemistry teacher." "But teaching's so frustrating for you." "Didn't you once storm out in the middle of a class and never come back?" "Yes, but that was only because they kept asking questions." "And anyway, that was a long time ago." "Gosh, I wonder what happened to them." "Do you think Professor Spellman forgot about us?" "Let's give it another five minutes." "SABRINA:" "Good morning." " Good morning, Sabrina." "Guess who's going to be your new substitute teacher." "Me." "Great." "You know, fitting in is hard enough without someone calling me sweet pea." "I thought I was the only one you called sweet pea." "Look, it'll only be for a couple of weeks." "Mr. Melena might get out of ICU today." "Do you think sea-monkeys make good pets?" "If you like low maintenance." "How long would it take to hop across the world on your tongue?" "Oh, I don't know, about six or seven" "Oh, yeah." "This is a much better use of your time than studying for your elements test." "For you." "An invitation?" "To what?" "MAN'S VOICE:" "You are cordially invited to enjoy high tea at the 753rd annual quizmaster-pupil social." "Parking free with validation." "Cool." "Sounds like fun." "It's got to be better than last year." "The highlight was a piñata." "I'll pick you up this afternoon." "Today?" "I can't go today." "I have a million things to do." "Sorry." "Attendance is mandatory." "You know, every once in a while you could try bringing good news." "A new Pollo Loco just opened up by my apartment." "I meant good news for me." "ZELDA:" "Hi, Sabrina." "Funny how you know my name and we are in no way related." "Hey, Sabrina, your aunt's here." "You just had to tell everyone, didn't you?" "Well, are you nervous?" "Oh, no, I'm feeling very confident." "My lesson is prepared." "It's clear, concise." "These students are gonna learn like they've never learned before." "Thereby creating the redox reaction." "So let's solve that problem." "So when you add the copper to the nitric acid, what will happen?" "Then Mr. Copper Man marries Mrs. Acid." "And they go on their noxious gas honeymoon." "You have a question?" "The bell rang ten minutes ago." "Can we go now?" "I can't believe you don't know how to turn yourself into fire and wind yet." "The test is in three days." "If you don't pass you won't get your witch's licence." "You've mentioned that to me, oh, 5,000 times." " I can turn myself into water." " Anybody can do that." "You see that waiter there?" "Those aren't cocktails, that's a tray full of students." "Ohhh." "I don't wanna know what the crab cakes were." "Good the head quizmaster doesn't know you don't know your elements." " I'd be dead meat." " It's all about you." "You know what your problem is?" "Other students focus on getting it right." "You focus on how you don't wanna get it wrong." "Wow, how does it feel to be the most brilliant person in the universe?" "You'd think it'd pay more." "Is there an exit in here?" "Well, each of those chairs has a swirling vortex." "I gotta get away from my quizmaster or as I like to call him, "If-Evil-Had-a-Face."" "Is that an Indian name?" "Having trouble on your elements test?" "Yeah." "I can't concentrate." "I mean, my quizmaster keeps lecturing me." "Really?" "They're supposed to make it fun, not hard." " Which one is he?" " The one dressed like a rodeo clown that keeps shoving tea cakes in his mouth." "So you can see why I wanna leave." "You're supposed to stay for the whole thing." "Besides, I hear there's a door prize." "Yeah, I saw it." "It's actually a door." "Well, some people think that expansion has diluted the quizmaster talent pool." "Or maybe there's just a certain type of person drawn to the job." "Sabrina, there was a student who turned herself into fire while drinking the glass of water." "That was incredible." "Darn, it's amazing the things you miss when you're desperately trying to avoid you." "WOMAN:" "Hi, everyone." "I just wanted to thank you all for coming, and tell you that I'm so pleased to see such a great turnout today." " Who's that?" " That's the head quizmaster." "I think her official title is "the person who can fire your butt."" "But she's so young." "Yeah, she looks pretty good for 600." "You okay, Sabrina?" "You're whiter than usual." "Oh, no." "I'm just sick, very, very sick." "In fact, we should go before I do or say something that makes me sicker." "Hello again." "You two know each other?" " Yes, we've" " We've never met." "You must be thinking of my evil twin, but usually she's a brunette." "Heh." "Quizmaster 72469, are you aware that Sabrina is very unhappy with your teaching?" "Well, she's in high school." "She's unhappy with everything." " What's going on?" " I don't know." "Sounds like someone ate the tapioca pudding way past the expiration date." "Effective immediately, you are terminated as Sabrina's quizmaster." " What?" "Bu" " That will be all." "Why doesn't anybody age in this realm?" "ZELDA:" "Thank you for listening, Salem." "I get frustrated trying to get these students to understand this chemistry." "It just really helps to talk about it out loud." "No problem-o." "[SNICKERING]" " Hi, honey." "How was your tea?" " Pretty average, you know." "There was music, little sandwiches, tea, of course." "Oh, and I got my quizmaster fired." " What kind of sandwiches?" " What happened?" "Oh, nothing." "I inadvertently said terrible things about him to a complete stranger who turned out to be his boss." "Ha." "It's really kind of funny when you think about it." "[LAUGHS]" "I don't get it." "Was the quizmaster angry?" "I wish." "He was hurt." "Aunt Zelda, what am I gonna do?" "I have to fix this." "Well, the Witches' Council has jurisdiction over the quizmasters." "So you're gonna have to talk to them." "Good." "Maybe I can explain things and get my quizmaster back." "[LAUGHS]" "Oh." "That's not a joke either." "And so I'm really sorry the whole thing ever happened." "It's totally my fault." "I'm completely to blame." "And there might have been something weird in the punch." "You've stated your case eloquently." " No." " Why?" "Miss Spellman, you explained how you got your quizmaster fired, but you never explained why you need him back." "Oh." "Well, did I mention the punch?" "Quizmaster 72469, as of this moment, you are assigned a new student." "Meet Ralph." "Sir, it is an honour to meet you." "I've been following your career for years, and it is a privilege to work with you." "Ralph, I'm gonna enjoy working with you too." "You can't be serious." "You're not seriously gonna teach him, are you?" "I mean, look at him." " He's obviously a troublemaker." " You heard the judge." "But we can fight it." "I mean, I said I was sorry." "Don't do this." "Why don't you just accept it." "I mean, you weren't learning with me." " It's over." " Great." "Have a nice life." " Nice knowing you." " Yeah." " Well, fine, then." " Fine." " Fine." " Fine!" "Let's go, Ralph." "I give them a month." "[SABRINA HUMMING]" "I'm so at peace with what's happened between me and the quizmaster." "I believe everything happens for a reason." "And that's why we call this stage "denial."" "Hi, sweetheart." "How you feeling today?" "I can't believe quizmaster hasn't had the decency to call me after all the mean things he said?" "Welcome, anger." "Well, maybe you two just need a little time away from each other." "[TOASTER DINGS]" "Hey, I bet that's a letter from him." "Get to the real grovelling parts." "No, it's from the Witches' Council." "It says they're temporarily out of quizmasters, so you'll have to be home-schooled." "Well, I'm sure you'll be an even better teacher than the quizmaster." "I'm afraid I'm too busy substituting to do it." "It's your aunt Hilda." "You know what we haven't played in a long time?" "Goofy golf." "No!" "And let's give a big warm welcome to sadness." "We don't have to play." "I think I'm turning into wind." "I feel a little breeze." "That's just the life going out of us." "I guess I've kind of forgotten how to turn myself into any of the elements." "Take your time, Aunt Hilda." "It's okay, you know, my test is only in two days!" "I just haven't turned myself into wind in years." "Would cabbage help?" "I guess the last time was when I was on vacation in the Caribbean with my boyfriend, Danny." "We got into a fight and he stormed out to take a walk." "Well, I didn't want him to enjoy his walk, so I..." "[WIND HOWLING]" "But in the end, the joke was on me." "He fell in love with one of his rescue workers." "This is ridiculous." "I can't figure out this stupid redox reaction, can you?" "No, but that could be because this is the class before lunch." "Well, at least we're not the only ones." "Looks like Libby's about to have a nervous breakdown." "Libby, do you have a question?" "Do you want me to explain the problem again?" "ALL:" "No." "Forget it." "Just give me an F." "I'm getting an A in typing." "It'll average out." "Perhaps an analogy will help you." "Say you have a sweater and a skirt that you always wear together." "And say, one day, you decide to wear the sweater with a new skirt." "Therefore, the new skirt and the old skirt both change into something different." "That's exactly what happens to the copper." "This is great." "Is Libby actually drooling?" "You see, the copper" "Gives an electron to the hydrogen in the nitric acid causing the copper to become a solution." "That's it, Libby." "And that means the hydrogen would be released as a gas." "ZELDA:" "Mm-hm." "Give it a try." "[LOUD POP]" " Oh!" "Oh-ho-ho." " Way to go, Libby!" "Oh." "Oh, dear Lord." "I just hugged a teacher." "Great!" "Well, I can never touch Aunt Zelda again." "I've got it." "I remember how to turn myself into fire." "If it involves dry branches and kerosene, it's not really magic." "No, it's so easy." "All you have to do is think like fire." "Well, that's helpful." "I'm really enjoying Vague University." "I can't believe I finally figured out how to do it and I can't explain it." "Might I suggest the fine art of shadow puppets." "You know what, maybe it would help if I talked you through it once." "Good idea." "[SIGHS]" "Ready?" "Okay?" "Be fire!" "I'm gonna fail." "I know you can do this." "You're just not thinking." "Yes, I am." "I'm talking, aren't I?" "Don't you have to think to be able to talk?" "No." "Parrots talk." "So now I'm a parrot." "I'm as dumb as a bird." "Is that it?" "That's not what I meant." "Besides, parrots aren't dumb." "At that show at the zoo, they ride bicycles." "I'm going upstairs." "That is, if I can figure out how to use the stairs." "Sabrina, wait." "What just happened here?" "They also have a goose who can tap dance." "What?" "Hi, I'm looking for my quizmaster." "Well, my ex-quizmaster." "Who are you?" "I'm his roommate." "But from the way I clean up after him you'd think I was his mother." "Come on in." "Hey, some broad's here to see you." "Wow, this place would drive a rat insane." "Heh." "No offence." "Oh." " Hi." " Hi." "Hate to interrupt your sparkling repartee with Dorothy Parker, but we're out of charcoal briquettes." "Man, put it on the list." "Look, I just came by because I was updating my address book and I forgot your apartment number." " It's 2." " Right." "I'm really sorry about what happened the other day." "It was all my fault." "I was mad, and you know, I said some things" "I was beginning to worry." "Hello, Sabrina." "What's he doing here?" " Nothing." "I'm just quizzing him." " At your apartment?" "You never quizzed me at your apartment." "Really?" "What about his weekend place in Lake Arrowhead?" "QUIZMASTER:" "Ralph, enough." "Why don't we end our lesson for today?" "Okay." "Then I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Albert." "Your name is Albert?" "You never told me your name is Albert." "You never asked." "That's not fair." "I assumed your name was Quizmaster and the fact that it was also your job just was a happy accident." "You haven't changed one bit." "You're never willing to admit you're wrong." "What?" "I'm the one who keeps apologising to you." " Just admit it." "You need me." " You're dreaming." "I've moved on." "In fact, I found a new quizmaster and I've never been happier." "Well, me too." "Ralph is the best student I've ever had." "He can even turn himself into uranium." "Okay, I'm radioactive now, but the point is, he can do it." "So?" "I've learned all the elements and passed my midterm with flying colours." "Really?" "No!" "[DOOR SLAMS]" "She so wanted me." "I've got it!" "I know why I need my quizmaster back now." "You know, you can't just barge in here assuming we have nothing to do." "[WIND WHISTLING]" "Proceed." "Okay, well, he and I just got into this huge fight and I'm hurt and angry, and I never wanna see him again." "Don't you see?" "We're friends." "Miss Spellman, does this dysfunctional story have a point?" "Well, I didn't realise we were friends before, and that's why I need him." "I mean, when I think about all the times we've shared together..." "[WIND HOWLING]" "[MOANS]" "[THUD]" "[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]" "So that's why I need my quizmaster back with me." "Because nothing makes a better teacher than a friend." "[TEARFULLY] Wow." "Nope!" "[LIQUID BUBBLING]" "Cool, that's the seventh time today." "Thanks for your help, Libby." "Sorry." "I'm the only person in class who still hasn't figured it out." "Don't think our foreign exchange student has gotten it either." "[LOUD POP]" "ZELDA:" "Way to go, Lajos." "[IN BULGARIAN]" "[CHUCKLES]" "Maybe I've used up my brain, it's just not gonna function anymore and it's going to sit on the top of my neck and get softer and softer until the weight of my hair crushes it and I have to wear a hat around." "You could work on the problem some more." "I just feel like such a dunce." "Hi, Sabrina." "Did you dress yourself today?" "Yes, I dressed myself, and someday I hope to be able to feed myself." "That's right." "And how do we feed ourselves?" "With a spoon." "Parrots also play tennis." "Can you?" "Sabrina, you have a very special chemistry assignment today." "You get to clap the erasers." "Okay, but I feel kind of silly." "Oh." "Look, everyone." "Look how well Sabrina claps the erasers." "[ALL LAUGHING]" "Sabrina likes to clap erasers." "Sabrina likes to clap erasers." "Sabrina." "Sabrina." "Don't make me touch." "[CLAPS]" "What do you want, Libby?" "Your aunt asked me to help with your experiment." " What?" " Yes." "And I'm going to need to know a few things about you before we begin." "Do you know how to add and subtract?" " I don't need your help, Libby." " Yes, you do." "In many, many ways." " Go away!" " Not until" "[MUMBLING]" "What?" "What's that, Libby?" "I" "Sorry, I can't understand you?" "[CRIES]" "[GROANS]" "Freeze!" "Sabrina, what's going on?" "You know Libby, my mortal enemy?" "The albatross around my neck?" " That stinky-faced meanie?" " Yes." "That's the Libby you've become friends with." "And now you've asked her to be my tutor?" " Honey, I simply" " Wanted to publicly humiliate me?" "I mean, I understand." "Why not?" "I can't figure out this chemistry problem and I can't even think about trying to pass my elements test." "Man, it would feel great to just disappear." "[WIND HOWLING]" "All right!" "Tornado in the house." "Oh, cool." "It's you." "I was about to put on a sweater." "Wait." "There's an encore." "[GASPS]" " Way to go." " Oh." "[DOOR OPENS]" "I knew you could do it." "[TOASTER DINGS]" "Hey, it's a letter from the Witches' Council." "I passed my elements test." "Hey, maybe I should go into teaching." "Heh-heh." "Wow, I freed up my mind and things just clicked." "Aunt Zelda, I now understand the chemistry problem." "When the copper is being oxidized, the hydrogen is being reduced." "Oh, thank goodness I don't have to fail you." "Wow, I can't remember when I felt so good." "Yes, I do." "It was with the quizmaster." "That bonehead." "Still waiting for someone to say," ""Yeah, Hilda, you should go into teaching."" "And that's why I need my quizmaster back." "I mean, he's the one who guides me." "Because of him, I know the joy of learning." "And if that's not it, I'm out of ideas." "No, you got it right." "We're discussing dinner plans." " He can be your quizmaster again." " Whoo-hoo!" "Bet you're pretty impressed I figured it out, huh?" "No." "Most witches get it right away." "You took so long, we actually started an office pool." "Who had Sabrina Wednesday at 3?" "Everybody, pay the man." "There's something very wrong with you people." "I don't want to bother you." "I know you're probably quizzing the amazing Ralph." "No, no, no, it's okay." "Hold on." "QUIZMASTER:" "Ralph, Sabrina and I need to talk." "Give us a few minutes, okay?" "RALPH:" "No problem, chief." " Great kid." "Yeah." "I just wanted to let you know that I passed my elements test." " All right!" " Yeah." "You were right, I wasn't learning because all I could do was think about getting it wrong." "Heh." "I'm proud of you, but I think I should get back to quizzing Ralph, so" "Right." "You know what?" "Actually, I've been kind of rude to Ralph." "I should apologise." "Ralph!" "Ralph's not here." "I've been throwing my voice." "And may I ask why?" "I'm not tutoring Ralph anymore." "I broke it off." "But he was the perfect student." "I know, it was so annoying." "Well, I missed you and the way you always loathed seeing me." "I think maybe I got self-esteem issues." "This is great." "I mean, not your self-hatred." "The Witches' Council said that you can quiz me again." " That is, if you want to." " Of course I want to." "Great." "You know, I'll deny this under oath, but I missed you." " I knew it." " Heh." "I missed you too." "Great." "Well..." "All right, see you later, okay?" " Albert?" " Yeah." "Let's just stick with Quizmaster, okay?" "And, down there, that's where I went to elementary school." "Wow, almost as exciting as where you bought your toothpaste." "Wait, you're the one who thought it'd be fun to take a hot-air balloon ride." "It was more fun in my imagination." "I don't know why." "I'm having a great time." "Whoever brought the Brie, thank you." "Let's get out of here." "I've had my fill of talking vermin." "She so wants me."