"Captain's log, stardate 42859.2." "We're in orbit around Antede III, awaiting two dignitaries." "Our mission is to escort them to a conference on Pacifica, where they will have the chance to join the Federation." "You may find this interesting, Mr Crusher." "Few humans have seen an Antedean in the flesh." "Welcome." "I'm Jean-Luc Picard," "Captain of the Enterprise." " Are they alright, sir?" " Yes." "This is their preferred way of space travel." "Their physical condition is good, considering the circumstances." "It is a self-induced catatonic state, their way of dealing with the trauma of space flight." " Will we try to revive them?" " No." "Not until we reach the conference, three days from now." "Have you prepared a sickbay facility for our guests?" "It needs some adjustments." "Their physiology is unusual." "You can store them for a few hours?" "I'll keep them out of the way." " Mr Worf, provide security." " Aye, sir." "What's in that container?" "Vermicula." "It's their food." "When they come out of stasis, they'll be hungry." " They eat this?" " In great quantities." "What a handsome race." "What did you think of the Antedeans, Wesley?" "They are..." "rather strange-looking, Commander." "Judging a being by its appearance is the last major human prejudice." "Your point is well taken, Mr Data." "I'm sure they find us unattractive." "We are being hailed by a small transport vessel," " just coming into range." " My God..." "What's the problem?" " What's she doing here?" " On screen, Captain." " Enterprise, come in." " We have you on viewer, pilot." "Enterprise, I have a passenger." "A VIP passenger who..." "Let me talk." "I'm sure I'm more articulate." "Mother." "Captain, we're receiving Starfleet orders granting..." "Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House," "Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed." "Full ambassadorial status, sir." " Back into your dress uniform, sir." " And yours, Commander." "She is listed as representing Betazed at the conference." "Mother, please, don't do this to me." "Do what, little one?" "Jean-Luc." "What naughty thoughts." "But how wonderful you still think of me like that." "***It's so like my mother to do the unexpected." "It will be... pleasant to have her as a guest of the Enterprise again." "Energize." "Legs." "Where are the legs?" "Where they belong, Mother." "Right under you." "I hate that." "I'll never completely trust this device, Jean-Luc." "Capt Picard, Mother." "Explain to her." "I'm sorry they startled you, Mrs Troi." "They're Antedean delegates." "Delegates." "Last time I saw something like that, it was on a plate." "Darling..." "Jean-Luc, I wasn't aware you had such handsome legs." "My valet is waiting." "You may beam him aboard now." " You remember Mr Homn, of course?" " It would be hard to forget him." "I keep him despite the outlandishly lustful thoughts he spews at me." "Put that down, Homn." "We can't deny the Captain the honour of carrying my belongings." "I will not interfere with Mr Homn's duties this time." "That's not what you're really thinking." "You forget I'm a telepath." "Mrs Troi, since this is obviously significant to you, ..." "..Ill..." "I'll carry it." "Just down this corridor." "He has nice legs, too, little one." "Is he still yours?" "Humans no longer own each other that way." "Really?" "That's a custom we may have to introduce again." " Thank you." " Glad to help." "I trust you will be comfortable." "If you'll excuse me..." "I am serving a Betazoid dinner of greeting tonight, Captain." "It is an ambassadorial function." "It sounds delightful." "He's a fine man." "Solid, reliable." "He's a little bit on the stuffy side, but, all in all, he's not that bad." "Mother, you sound like you're sizing up a commodity." "But that's exactly what men are, darling." "Especially human men." "Was your father ever unhappy with me?" "No." "He worshipped you." "But I'll never learn to see men the way you do." "You will as you mature, darling." "And the men in your life are going to bless you for it." "You are so beautiful." "She actually complimented Capt Picard on his legs?" "I'd expect a telepath to be more discreet." "The opposite." "She knows your mind, and lets you know what's on hers." "Gentlemen." "We must not lose sight of the fact that we are talking about someone with ambassadorial rank." "Even though she may appear..." "somewhat eccentric," "Lwaxana Troi must be treated with appropriate respect." "Understood?" " Picard to Pulaski." " Yes, sir?" "When did you last look in on the Antedean guests?" "Doing so right now, Captain." "Are they still catatonic?" "Status of the beings is unchanged." "Pulse, still steady." "Respiration, ... normal for them." "Understood." "Keep me informed." "Picard out." "I'll be in my quarters." "It will be a dress-uniform dinner, gentlemen." "Sir?" "To which dinner was the Captain referring, sir?" "Nothing I've been invited to." "Any of you?" "Very interesting." "Doctor?" "You're not attending dinner with the rest of us this evening?" "I've already eaten, but thanks, Captain." "I seem to be a little early." "I'm sure the others will be here soon." "The other officers, Riker, Counsellor Troi...?" "Hello, Jean-Luc." "So glad you could come." "A toast to Earthmen, who, despite their many faults, have that unique ability to charm women of all races, in all corners of the galaxy." "Speaking on behalf of men of Earth, which is indeed an awesome responsibility, I thank you." " I know what you're thinking." " You do?" "You're wondering if I'm seeing any other man." "On a serious basis." " Well, actually, I wasn't..." " Don't worry about it, Jean-Luc." "Competition seems to bring out the best in the human male." "The fact is, I..." "I was not expecting this..." "this setting." "I assumed my senior officers would be attending." "You never assume anything where Lwaxana Troi is concerned." "Betazoid women are full of surprises." "Strange..." "I'm not really very hungry tonight." "I wonder what's made me lose my appetite." "Any ideas?" "Of course." "You're giving thanks for your food." "I'd forgotten that." "I wonder how many other cultures have similar customs." "I don't know." "Well, let's find out." "Cmdr Data?" "Yes, Captain?" "Mrs Troi and I are having a very interesting discussion about various societies' ways of giving thanks." "The Betazoid use of the chime, for instance." "The use of the chime is quite unique, but not dissimilar to the Ooolans of Marejaretus VI, who use two stones, continuously struck together during a meal." "They eat until the stones are broken." "Or the oligarchy on Atifs IV, which requires..." "Data, this is fascinating." "Don't you agree, Mrs Troi?" "Commander, if your duties permit, why not join us for dessert?" "I'm sure Mrs Troi would much appreciate your company." " What?" " Indeed, sir?" "I'm on my way." "Data out." "How could you think I'd want to share our time together with that... robot of yours?" "Because of Data's wonderful after-dinner conversation." "His anecdotes are the stuff of legend aboard this ship." "So, using the square root of pi and multiplying by nine to the third power," "I was able to accurately calculate the distance to the Crab Nebula." "Fascinating, Data." "Absolutely fascinating." "I'm sure Mrs Troi would love to hear the one about the... ..anomalous chemical composition of... brown dwarf stars." "Not really." "Yes, Captain." "A particularly spellbinding subject." "In most stars, the rare Earth element, europium, is enriched relative to samarium and gadolinium." " Is that so?" " It is." "However..." "Your mother seems an interesting woman, Deanna." "Perhaps I should tell you about my mother's condition." "Condition?" "It occurs to Betazed females as they enter mid-life." "We call it the phase." " Mid-life?" "As in human menopause?" " Similar." "It's only at mid-life that a Betazoid female becomes, well, fully sexual, if you know what I mean." "Yes, I think I do." "I also think that I saw the Captain on his way to her quarters." " I wonder if I shouldn't warn him." " No." "As ship's Doctor, I consider it an excellent exercise for his reflexes and agility." "Doctor!" "Staying ahead of your mother." "Yes." "An animal is always at its best when hunted." "Or when hunting." "At this point, the second co-orbital satellite avoids a collision..." "Deanna." "Thank the Four Deities you're here." "Am I interrupting?" "No, I must, as a matter of fact, be getting back to the bridge." "Captain." "Perhaps I should remain and further entertain our guest?" "No." "I mean, I'm sure you're needed on the bridge, as well." "Well, ... thank you for..." "a delicious meal." "We must do this again sometime." "I know we will." "Well, little one, the Captain is every bit as charming as your father was." "Data, you will never know how much I owe you for that." "Indeed, Captain?" "I know many more anecdotes." "For example..." " Data." " Sir?" " Later." " Yes, sir." "Why come aboard at a time like this?" "I had no choice." "I was going to Pacifica, so were you." "Don't be absurd." "You knew what would happen." " What stage is it in?" " I have it under control." "What stage is it in?" "Far enough along for me to enjoy it, little one." "Now I know why you wore that dress." "Don't be ridiculous." "This simple dress?" "Nothing provocative." " What are we going to do?" " I'll do the only honourable thing." " Your Captain has the inside track." " Mother, don't even think it." "Why not?" "He was, all through dinner." "I was what?" "I tell you, Deanna, for a telepath, your mother's accuracy leaves much to be desired." "Actually, her telepathic prowess is quite advanced." "Except for now." "Except for now?" "Don't misunderstand me, Counsellor." "Your mother is a beautiful person." "My mother is beginning a physiological phase." "One that all Betazoid women must deal with in mid-life." "Yes, Troi warned me about it when we started seeing each other." "A Betazoid woman, going through this phase, quadruples her sex drive." " Or more." " More?" " You never told me that." " I didn't want to frighten you." "She has opted for the only dignified option open to her." "Isolation?" "She has decided to focus all her sexual energy on one male, who will eventually become her husband." "It seems, Captain, that..." "you are the early favourite." "Congratulations, sir." "I'm not amused, Number One." "There must be some way to convince her that it's... quite impossible, without offending her." "You can't apply human logic to this." "A Betazoid woman in the phase would be shocked and deeply resentful should you spurn such advances." "She would take it personally." "Well, under the circumstances," "I think it would be... prudent if I were to make myself..." "..less available for the duration of the journey." "Agreed." "Setting, San Francisco, California, United States of America." "The year, 1941 AD." "The office of Dixon Hill, Private Investigator." "Program complete." "You may enter when ready." "Hi, Dix." "Madeline." "Good to see you again." "You're too much." "You make it sound like you ain't seen me in a year." "You got two calls." "They're on your desk." " New cases?" " Are you kiddin'?" "Last time we had a case, Hitler and Stalin were buddies." "The landlord wants the geetas or he wants you out." " The geetas?" " The moolah, Dix." "The rent." "And it's been a month since I seen anything." "I know it's been tough, with you in hospital, but I got responsibilities." "Then..." "I suppose I had better get a case." "It wouldn't hurt." "Unavailable?" "Ship's business?" "You mean ship's business takes precedence over me?" "I'm afraid so, Mother." "He was too old for me, anyway." "Homn." " Let us consider my alternate plan." " Alternate plan?" "You worry too much, little one." "I have the situation well in hand." "There's a gentleman here to see you, Mr Hill." "And he doesn't look like a client." "Hill, the name is Slade Bender." "Excuse me." "What can I do for you, Mr Bender?" "It's about Alva." "You'll... have to be a little more precise." "OK, you wanna play stupid?" "That's jake with me." "A week ago a man came in, wanted you to find his girlfriend." "Alva." " Did I find her?" " You're getting on my nerves." "You found her." "Face down in the river." "I'm sorry to hear that." "We're all broken up about it." "Especially the boyfriend." "He was indicted for murder." "And... what are you here to do?" "Ask for a refund?" "Nah." "I'm here to kill ya." "Computer, freeze program." "Computer, this isn't what I wanted at all." "It's much too violent." "I'm here to relax, not dodge bullets." "Reconfigure." "Please define." "More... ambience." "Less... substance." "Do you wish to leave the holodeck and re-enter, or continue from this point?" "I will continue." "Program complete." "You may continue." "There's a gentleman here to see you, Mr Hill." "Thank you, Madeline." "You a private dick?" "That's what it says on my door." "Is that supposed to be funny?" "Cos if it is, ... ..you gotta know that... ..I ain't in the mood for funny." "Now, I came here on serious business." "There's a job I want you to do for me." "Computer, freeze program." "Clear." "Computer, this still isn't right." "One kind of violence is being substituted for another." "Reconfigure." " You may continue." " Thank you." " You're through duckin' me, Hill." " Freeze program!" "Variations on a theme." "Computer, perhaps I am not clearly defining my intent." "The flexibility of the program is limited to the parameters of the Dix on Hill novels." "Yes..." "Of course." "Even in this state, they possess a certain dignity." "A graceful countenance." "If you say so, Lieutenant." "I see." "Is this how you felt when you first saw me?" "Well..." "Maybe at first, a little." "But now I've seen more Klingons, I find you... handsome for a Klingon." "That didn't quite come out the way I meant, sir." "I still say they look better in sauce." "When will the Captain revive them?" "Not until we reach Pacifica, ma'am." "You seem a fine boy." "One day, you'll grow up to be a big, strong man." "But I cannot afford to wait for you to mature." "Now that's more like it." "Your thoughts, they're primal, savage." "I like that in a man." " I am not a man." " Which is in your favour." "Men being irrational and egotistical." "Unfortunately, I've grown accustomed to human companionship." "Pity." "You'd have made a fine choice." "Well, ... who's next, Mr Homn?" "Yes." "Let's do it." "I'm not getting any younger." "What was that all about?" "So, Madeline, I'll see you later." "Activate program." "Leaving, Dix?" "Not going to Rex's Bar, are you?" "Rex's Bar?" "Why do you ask?" "It's one of the messages I left on your desk." "That sounds like an excellent idea." "Would you care to join me?" "Me?" "Have a drink with you?" " Why not?" " There ain't no "why not"." "It's just the first time you asked." "Is that a problem?" "Not for me." "But you'd better take this." "Why?" "Because if we're going to Rex's Bar, you're gonna need it." "Hey, Dix." "What do you know and what do you say?" "See this?" "Germany's getting ready to invade England." " Who'll stop them?" " Somebody had better." "Just as long as it isn't us." "The last thing America needs is to fight another world war." "Actually, the Second World War, although disastrous, did grant the US its place as a dominant power and cultural influence in the second half of the 20th century." "Additionally, that war was a catalyst of technological advancement." "Developments in rocketry and fission resonate on into the 24th century." "I dunno if I should pour you one, Dix." "Sounds like you got a snootful." " What's this?" " The usual." "Yes." "Now, let me see." "That would be Scotch, neat." "What else?" "And for the lady...?" "Rye and ginger." "Money." "I keep forgetting to carry money." "I must remember not to do that again." "Right." "I don't mind you being on the cuff, but you're halfway to my collar." "Is that why you wanted to see me, about my bar bill?" "No." "It's on account of..." "Jimmy Cuzzo." "Jimmy Cuzzo..." "I know that name." "He's why I gave you the gun." "What was the name of that case he was involved in?" "The Parrot's Claw." "Jeez, Dix." "Cuzzo's the guy who iced Marty O'Farron." "They'd never have nailed him without you." " Your testimony got him arraigned." " Yeah." "Yours and mine." "So, you brought me here because you didn't want to face him alone?" "I don't wanna face him at all." "I'm hoping that seeing us together will help him see things straight." " And if it doesn't?" " Then you just have to kill him." "Bridge, this is Dr Pulaski." "We've just completed the transfer." "The Antedeans are now in sickbay." "Acknowledged, Doctor." "Mother, what are you doing here?" "You can't stroll on to the bridge whenever you like." "I didn't stroll on, dear." "I took that turbo-tube or whatever it is." "The Captain's not here?" "He is busy elsewhere, ma'am." "Well, I have other interests, as well." "You're scheming something, Mother." "Don't try to fool me, I can tell." "Always so melodramatic, little one." "I'm not scheming." "I'm deciding." "Mother, not him." "And why not him?" "He's adorable." " Pulaski to bridge." " Riker here." "The Antedeans are coming around." "They're in the early stages of post-hibernation." "How long until they're fully conscious?" "I'd guess it to be a matter of hours." "Very well." "I'll inform the Captain." "If you'll excuse me." "You're going to see the Captain?" "I thought he was tied up." "Yes, I won't be disturbing him." "I'll just give him the message." "Excellent timing." "Then you may also inform him about us." "You don't mind if I let the crew know first, do you, William?" "Friends!" "Dear friends." "You are all invited to a prestigious occasion" " on the planet Pacifica." " No." "There, on the shores of the Western Sea, in a traditional Betazoid ceremony, your Cmdr Riker and I will be joined in the union of matrimony." "Married?" "Until death us do part." "Mrs Troi, how can I tell you this...?" "I know how you feel." "You're overwhelmed with excitement." "Believe me, I understand." "We'll talk about the details later." "Right now, there are preparations to be made." "Why stop me?" "Somebody must set her straight." " I'll leave that to the Captain." " Coward." "Commander." "Are you planning on going into the holodeck?" "I thought I might." "Care to join me?" "Could you postpone our departure for just five minutes, sir?" "No problem." "You said you had responsibilities." "What did you mean?" "You know about my mother's cousin, the girl from San Antonio..." "Jimmy." "I'm as jumpy as Haircut Lapinski landing on a fraction." "Sorry to bother you, Captain." " Captain?" " Call me Dix." "Sorry to bother you, Dix." "Our passengers have awakened." "Then it's time for me to go." "What about Jimmy Cuzzo?" "You can't leave Rex to face him alone." "I'll be back before he arrives." "I guarantee, it will be dealt with." "Your friends have time for one drink, haven't they?" "Yes, of course." "One more round." "These are my associates." "This is..." "Nails from Chicago." " And this is..." " Carlos." "From South America." "This is Madeline, my secretary." "And Rex." "You know, I don't think I know your last name." "Don't think I have one." "Just Rex, that's all." " So, fellas, tell me your troubles." " Troubles?" "We have some." "A certain woman, wealthy and beautiful, now wants to marry me." "She's got looks and bucks?" "Sounds like you've got yourself one heck of a deal." "My fiancé just has to see how I look in this." "Come along, Homn." "Hello, computer?" "Is Cmdr Riker still on the bridge?" "Negative." "Riker is currently in holodeck three." "Holodeck?" "Where is that?" "The comm panel lights will lead you there." "Comm...?" "Good God, what's that?" "I bet that's the broad with the big bucks." "C'mon over here, darling." "I've got the best stool in the house saved for you." "So this is where you've been hiding, Jean-Luc." "I'm surprised you let the ship get so dirty." "Relax, Commander." "You've made your true feelings quite clear." "Obviously, you feel unable to handle me." "Why would a beautiful, high-class lady like yourself want to hook up with a mug like that?" "You're too good for him, if you ask me." "You are a very interesting person." "You're not bad yourself." "In fact, you're as much class as this joint's ever seen." "Here..." "On the house." "It's French." "Almost." "This is the most remarkable man." "I've never met anyone like him." "I don't suppose you have." "He's strong." "I get no thoughts from him at all." "Nothing." "I've never known a man so able to keep his true feelings hidden." " That's because..." " No man has ever... ..been such a mystery." "I usually know their thoughts before they do." "But not with me?" "No." "And I never realised how erotic that could be." "Carry my beverage to that table." "We have some things to discuss." "Should we tell her?" "I think it would be only fair." "But let's allow her the moment." "Food!" "Worf, the vermicula." " Pulaski to Capt Picard." " Go ahead, Doctor." "Our passengers are on their... feet." " Understood." " I'd better get to the bridge." " What's their condition?" " Hungry." "Would you like to be shown to your rooms?" "Are you coming, Mrs Troi?" "Not just yet." "Tell William that..." "I'm sorry." "But Rex and I are getting married." "Mrs Troi, your government expects me to deliver you to the conference, and that's what I intend to do." "Pity." "Duty calls, darling." "But I'll be back for you later." "Mrs Troi, there is something you ought to know about Rex." "Imagine." "Allowing me to go on like that with that man who doesn't even exist." "But you say you like surprises, Mother." "Why are they still here?" "We thought you could beam down with these other delegates." "Delegates?" "Those two are assassins." "That is an outrage!" "Lies." "We demand you transport us at once." "Don't deny it." "I could read such unsophisticated minds in my sleep." "Their robes contain ultritium, highly explosive, virtually undetectable by your transporter." "She's correct, sir." "I am detecting large amounts of ultritium." "Of course." "They planned to blow up the conference." "Mr Worf, disarm them." "Hold them for questioning." "Aye, sir." "Well, I didn't find a mate, but I did save the conference, as well as your reputations." "All in a day's work, I suppose." "Goodbye, Mrs Troi." "And... thank you." "Energize, Chief O'Brien." "Jean-Luc!" "Shame on you for thinking such a thing."