"Ah, good morning, Michael." "Good morning, Allen." "Oh, this came for you." "Must be my new high-gloss business cards." "Go ahead, open them up." "See what they look like." "You know they cost a dollar a piece." " Allen X. Braddock?" " Yeah." "What's your middle name?" "Stephen." "The X is silent." "Pretty impressive, no?" "What do you have there?" "Huh?" "Oh..." "Are you just gonna stand there and watch or are you gonna help me out?" "(Grunts)" "What sixth grader did you take this off of?" "My fraternity brothers and I used wear these as a symbol of our unity in law and life." "The crest was designed by Betsy Ross." "Not that Betsy Ross." "Betsy "Rugburn" Ross, a true Delta Beta." "(Laughs) Oh, my God." "That girl was gifted." "Is that Abe Lincoln smoking a bong?" "No, it's a Supreme Court Judge smoking the bong of justice." "Why are you torturing that poor jacket?" "Well, my law school's having a fundraiser and we always wear our jackets." "Mine just need to be let out a little bit." "Let out and set free." "(Theme music plays) ♪ Mama said she didn't raise no fool ♪" "♪ One mind apart is never stronger than two ♪" "♪ I'm about the life, about to come on strong ♪" "♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪" "♪ Whoa, yeah ♪" "♪ One mind apart is never stronger than two ♪" "♪ Whoa, yeah ♪" "♪ Mama said she didn't raise no fool. ♪" "Hold on." "Let me get a man's opinion." "Michael, what would you think if a girl sent you a picture of her in a Teddy?" "I'd think she had the wrong number." "No, my cable's out." "And like I just told Sanjay and Towanda," "I will not be put on hold." "And I'm on hold." "Michael, don't tell me you're still on hold." "I'm gonna be on hold for the next three days, but at least my call is important to them." "Michael, what is the deal with the cable company?" "Still on hold." "Ruth, would you send a guy a pic of you in a Teddy?" "Sure, if it was 1965." "Be careful." "You know, you read about people posting things online all the time, and before you know it it goes viral..." "You have millions of followers, everybody's talking about it." "You get a fragrance and a reality show." "Good point, Ruth." "Melissa, send it." "Yes, my cable went out again." "But don't transfer me." "Do not transfer me." "And I'm transferred and on hold and cue the crappy music." "I can't stand cable companies." "They take advantage of everything." "Hey, Veronica, do you remember that Russian guy" "Marcus defended that got busted for giving away free cable to poor people?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Vlade." "He called himself Vlade the Installer." "Maybe we should see if he could hook us up." "You're the one who found the evidence that got him off." " He owes you." " No, no, no, no." "Absolutely not." "He had a thing for me and I did not share the sentiment." "That could get very awkward." "That was so long ago." "I'm sure he's fine." "Call him." "Well, you'd better do something quick because the Internet's out too." "And the last thing you need is me here with time on my hands." "Okay, okay." "Okay, God, yes, I will call him." "I'll see if I can get him to come out." "And you might want to wear something Vlade would like." "Think Russian mob mistress." "Got it." "Cleavage, vodka, domination." "Boom." "Marcus, Marcus." "Big news." "I just got off the phone with Barry, my friend from law school." "That is big news." "When did you get a friend?" "You have to come to this reunion." "J.P. Buchanan is gonna be there." "Oh, my God!" "The same J.P. Buchanan I've never heard of?" "J.P. Buchanan heads one of the largest law firms in Chicago." "In fact, he's my father's only real competitor." "You know, I feel like he's always had his eye on me." "Yeah, probably looks something like this." "Uh-huh, I'm on you." "I'm watching you." " Ha, ha, very funny." " I'm watching you." "Look, this is an opportunity for us to drum up some business for this law firm and it's a chance to shake hands with billionaires." " Ruth:" "Marcus!" " Look, look, Marcus." "Marcus, please, just say you'll go." "(Sighs) Okay, fine." " I'll go." " Great." "You won't regret it." "A billionaire's hand is the softest thing you'll ever feel." "It's like touching a cloud." "White and puffy, just like all you rich folks." "Yeah, great story." "Michael, you remember Vlade." "Nice to see you again, Vlade." "Privyet, Misha!" "I really appreciate you doing this." "How much is it gonna cost?" "Nothing." "He's doing it all for me." "My little Piroshki." "So you can get this done before Marcus gets back, right?" "He'd never go for anything that's not on the up and up." " Very quick." " Not quick enough for me." "Great, so when can you start?" "I already started." "Babushka." "(Russian music playing)" "Shouldn't we help her?" "No, no, no." "Russian pride." "It's Vlade's grandmother." "She's legendary for crawling between walls." "(People chatting)" "I don't get fundraisers." "Why don't we just donate all the money to charity?" "Mm, it's not really about charity." "It's more about clothes and jewelry and..." "Finding the appropriate person to cheat on your spouse with." "Oh, we call that church." "(Chuckles)" "I'm not seeing any of the old gang." "Ah, but you know how it is with old friends." "You pick up right where you left off." "Let's go get us a drink." "Hold up." "Hold up." "I'm not going anywhere with you until you agree to my safe word." "Why do we need a safe word?" "In case one of us wants to leave, which I already do." "All right." "What is it again?" "Boon chuck." " Boon chuck?" " Yeah." "How exactly am I supposed to work that into a conversation?" "Easy. "Hey, have you ever seen Daniel Boone Chuck that Tomahawk?"" "See?" "Why the hell did I even bring you?" "Check this out, huh?" "Uh, disgusting." "Look at all these shrimps." "Nothing but shrimp." "Oh, hey, there's some of the guys." " Hey, fellas." " Hey." "Gentlemen, where are your jackets, huh?" "We decided the jackets were over." "Turns out they're extremely flammable." " Somebody got a match?" " (Laughing)" "I'd like you to meet my associate Marcus." "Say hi to the guys." " Lyle." " Nice to meet you." " Thomas." " Barry." "Nice to meet you." "Barry said that you're doing some kind of pro Bono work since you left your dad's firm?" "Yeah, yeah, we're doing some really important work in the community." "Guess your dad's firm cashed you out quite nicely if you're able to do that kind of work." "Yeah, well, you know, this is where I am." "For now." "Hey, has there been a J.P. Sighting yet?" "50 bucks says he's got new hair and a new wife." "Haven't changed a bit, Allen." "No, I haven't." "No, y'all just go ahead." "I'll just be over here surrounded by all these strangers." "Woman:" "The problem with the poor is you can teach them how to fish, but then they'll just sell what the catch and collect their welfare checks anyway." "Boon Chuck!" "Nothing more attractive than a man in space." "Excuse me?" "Oh, you mean this." "This trip to space." "You thinking of bidding on it?" "Naw, brothers don't hang out in space." "Next thing you know, white folks be saying," ""there goes the universe."" "(Laughs) I'm Angela." " Marcus." " Marcus." "You'd make me look good to my boss if you bid on something." "I don't know if you could look any better." "Aw, too sweet." "So can I put your name down just to get us started?" "Oh, trust me, you'll be outbid." "Sure, why not?" "Marcus Jackson." "Can I put you down for five?" "Um, I think I can swing five, yeah." "5,000?" "!" "No, 500." "You guys remember the time I got so wasted" "I rode the Phi Kappa Kappa mascot right through the library?" "That was funny." "Until the Emu died." "Yeah, well, that was a week later and that Emu died of old age." "I still take issue with that suspension." "Although, I did spend a great week in St. Bart's." "(Laughs)" "Hey, hey, who's up for some of my purple punch, huh?" "Oh, are you still drinking that swill?" "Don't think my ulcers can tolerate that anymore." "Well, I guess it's just you and me, Thomas." "Alcohol mixed with my heart meds makes me suicidal." "Starting to know how you feel." "(Russian music playing)" "(Laughing)" "(Coughs)" "Oh, my God." "Toast!" "All:" "Na zdorovie!" "(Glasses shatter)" "Veronica, outside, now." "What is going on?" "This was supposed to be a covert operation." "We might as well hang a sign outside that says," ""we're stealing cable."" "Don't blame me." "Calling Vlade was your idea." "You think I want to be dressed like this in front of all those workers." "Even Vlade's grandmother hit on me." " Have you been drinking?" " No, Michael." "Yes, I have." "Vlade insisted." "Plus, vodka's the only thing that keeps them working." "If Marcus gets home and sees this mess, my ass is toast." "Michael, are you trying to steal my little Piroshki?" "(Giggles)" "Vlade, almost done?" "Unfortunately, much bigger job than thought." "May have to work into late night." "Well, that's a shame because Veronica was hoping you could take her out when you were finished." "Well, that's a different color of horse." "We'll finish in time for dinner and dancing at Samovar Club." "Babushka, move!" "If I survive this, you owe me!" "And you know we lost that case 'cause the judge wouldn't give us a subpoena." "You know, I know a guy that can get around a subpoena." "Let me give you my card." "Here we are." "There we are." "And one for you and one for you." "We don't "get around" subpoenas at our firm." "Oh, no, but you might if you knew my guy, huh?" "Here you go." "Let me give you both one one of those" "Lyle, we should talk about you taking some of my excess cases." "Oh, boy, I would love to get in on some of that." "I really would." "That's great." "Anybody need a drink?" "Okay, you guys carry on." "I'm just gonna..." "I'll go get myself one." "Everyone, the auction has been going great." "Please give yourselves a big hand." "We will be closing in two minutes." "I thought you said I'd be outbid." "I guess I made a mistake." "But my boss is really happy." "Thanks." "Uh, people, people." "I know you can get those bids up." "I seen all the Lamborghinis and the Porsches outside." "I drive a Prius." "Well, then you need a trip to space so you can see the planet you're saving." "All right, I'm gonna start the bidding off at 6,000." "2,000." "People, come on." "There's not gravity in space." "It's like this." "Nothing would be sagging." "You could finally get those breasts off your knees." "I'm talking to you, sir." " Man: 3,200." " 3,200?" "You got more than that in your sofa cushion." "4,950." "Somebody loan that lady 50 bucks and you got a deal." "Can I get $5,000?" " 5,000." " Thank you, Jesus." "(Applause)" "Oh, that's wonderful." "We now have two bids for $5,000." "How about we donate two simulated trips to space and collect 10,000 for our charity?" " (Applause)" " Boo!" " Boo!" " The auction is closed." "Thank you for your donations to help build a heated barn for the school's dressage horses." "(Applause)" "Are you kidding me?" "$10,000 to put dresses on horses?" "Way to command the room up there." "Saw you earlier." "Tough crowd, but they liked you." "You can't tell with all the Botox in the room." "Yeah, they were laughing like... (Mock laughing)" "Let me buy you a drink." "He'll have what I'm having." "Trust me." "You an alumnus?" "No, but my law partner is." "Honestly, I just wanted to stay home and watch the game." "Me, too." "Who's your team?" "I'm a Bears fan all the way." " Cleveland's my team." " Cleveland's your team?" "No wonder you're drinking." "How crazy is it to see everyone?" "Can you believe Allen's here?" "Oh, he looked so desperate passing out his business card." "Like we're going to call the guy who used to do shots for breakfast." "Yeah, his daddy carried him so long I'm surprised he can still walk." "Ooh, what a hit!" "His mama's gonna have a concussion from that." "That'll result in another lawsuit." "Naw, player can't sue if he's injured under contract." "Good point." "So legally, they have no recourse, huh?" "What got you into law?" "Well, I wanted to help the small guys." "You know, not the one-percenters, like whoever threw this party." "(Chuckles)" "For me, I just love the law." "I always knew this is what I wanted to do." "So your father wrote a check, sent you to the best schools, and now you're just living the dream." "Actually, my dad died when I was 10." "Like you, I worked for everything I have." "Put myself through college and law school working for an asphalt company." "And I'm the one-percenter who threw this party." "J.P. Buchanan." "Marcus Jackson." "And I couldn't feel more like an ass than I do right now." "So the DA is giving his closing and his fly is open." "So I say, "Your Honor," "I'm gonna be brief since the DA is obviously boxers."" "(Laughing)" "You're telling that "open-fly" story." "Yes, see, the funny thing is the guy was actually wearing open-fly boxers." "(Laughing)" "Yes, Allen Braddock." "Nice to meet you, J.P." "Nice to meet you." "Marcus, we'll see you this week?" " Look forward to it." " The partners are gonna love you." "Take care, Alfred." "It's Allen." "You okay?" "Boon Chuck." "Never been around such pretentious, self-involved people in my life." "Other than my family." "It was a disaster." "I can't believe I used to call these people my friends." "I found my business cards all over the floor like confetti." "Did I hear that you are taking a meeting with Buchanan?" "Yeah." "You're the one who said we should network." "You planning on going solo?" "Yes, for now, as you put it." "What's that supposed to mean?" "When your friends asked you about working with me, you said "for now" as if I was some pit stop." "Look, it's just a figure of speech." "Oh, look, there's another one of your cards right there." "Where?" "Marcus:" "Valet's picking his teeth with it." "You can't tell anyone was ever here." "If anything, it's actually cleaner than it was before." "Have to admit, Vlade is good." "Annoying, but good." "How was the Samovar Club?" "Oh, just when he finished the job," "I got an emergency call from my boyfriend." "So I had to tell Vlade I couldn't go." "I didn't know you had a boyfriend." "Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't." "Thanks, Lizzie." "(Deep voice) You're welcome." "How'd Vlade handle that?" "He seemed to be just fine with it." "Didn't seem to upset him at all." "Let's check it out." "America's debt crisis continue..." "Vlade made it sideways." "Wow." "He was determined to get me horizontal." "So I told the Jury that the claim that Bronson's beef is harmless is not just a lie, but it's an E. Coli." "(Laughing)" "I told you this guy was something." "J.P. always did have an eye for talent." "This firm could use a man like you." "Can I have your office?" "(Laughs)" "So what do you say?" " Hey." " Oh, hey." "In case you were wondering," "I passed on J.P.'s offer." "He made an offer?" " Yeah, but it wasn't good for us." " Us?" "Yeah, we do have a partnership here, Allen." "Yeah, yeah, we do." "What did he do, lowball you?" "Probably be after me next." " No, they don't like you." " How do you know?" "'Cause they said, "we don't like him."" "But what the hell, you're still my partner." "Yeah." "To hell with them." "Let's just see how flammable this sucker really is."