"Britain, Britain, Britain!" "Man, it's easily the best goddar cotton-pickin' country in the world," "Yee-ha!" "I went to France, I found it far too French," "Spain was full of Spaniard and Poland stank of farts," "But what makes Britain so moist and fragrant?" "Why, it be the people," "Let's visit them now," "Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin!" "After a morning spen watching some traffic lights," "Lou and Andy are returning home," "Oh, hello." "How are you?" "All right?" " Keeping well" " Yeah, I am, thank you." "Yeah." "Very good." "See you later." " Hi" " Hi, Welcome back," "Which one's Richard and which one's Judy?" "I can't believe it. I've got through." "Yes, I'll hold Oh, my God, it's £1,000 a question!" " Let me do it - l'm not sure..." " l wanna do it" " Who's on the line?" " l am" " Sorry, who's there?" " Andy Pipkin" " Hi, Andy." "You know the rules," "It's very, very easy." "We show you somethin and you describe it to us." " Yeah, I know - for every right answer, we give you £1,000," "Yeah, I know." "Right, OK, then Start the clock, let's go." "One minute." " Carrot." "No, Andy, you have to describe it You mustn't say what the thing actually is." "Yeah, I know." "OK, let's carry on." "Michael Parkinson." "That is Michael..." "You don't have t tell us who the person is." " You give us a clue and we guess" " Yeah, I know." " OK" " All right." "Let's carry on." "Mobile phone." " Oh, Jesus..." "Um..." "Look, we're running out of time Let's just try one more quickly" "Just describe it, OK?" " Er.." " Come on, Andy, think. £1,000." "Pint of milk." "Oh, we're out of time." "Oh, I'm really sorry, mate You're the first person never to win anything." "Oh dear.." "We'll be back after the break." "Oh, Andy.." "Why didn't you let me do it?" "Car." "Andy, these are just the adverts." "Yeah, I know." "Laboratoire Garnier." "The British postal servic is the best in the world." "Put a first class stamp on your letter and it's guaranteed to possibly arriv at some point somewhere if you're lucky." "Mrs Emery?" "Oh!" "Hello, dear!" "How was the operation?" "Oh, very good, very good They had me out in no time." " That's good." "The hip's big, isn't it" " Ooh, it was a double hip." "Double hip." "Well, you look very well on it Where did you have it done?" "Well..." " Queen Mary's" " Yes." "They're good there Very good doctors." "Who'd you have?" "Er..." "Well..." "Doctor, um..." "Um..." "Paredes?" " Um..." "Yes" " Yeah, he did Sheila from the chemist." "She was in on a Tuesda and out and about by the weekend." "Oh, it's your turn." "I'll get that for you." "You save your hips." "Lovely to talk to you. I'll see you later, dear." "One second class stamp, please." "In Darkly Noone, Asbo-enthusiast Vicky Pollard has left half her kids at hom as she begins her first day at work," "Right." "Wait there." "I'll just be a few hours." "Don't be giving me baby evils." "It's £3.80 an hour." "Easy work All you gotta do is talk dirty to 'em." "Oh, my God. I can so do tha cos l'm like well a slag." "This is where you sit Your name is Sapphire." "You are six foot tal top model from Paris." "Bog's over there." "Answer the phone!" "All right!" "God..." "Hello, or summin' or nuffin?" "Is that Sapphire, then?" "No, but..." "Yeah, but..." "No, but.." "Yeah, this is Spitfire." "And I'm wearing like really sexy knicker that I got from George at Asda." " What are you doing" " Thinking about having a bag of crisps." "You're not doing anything sexy, then?" "Oh, no, but..." "Yeah, but..." "No, but..." "Yeah, but I am, because I'm her with three girlfriends who are top model cos they all do like modelling for the Freeman's catalogue and that." " What are their names" " Oh, something really exotic" "Like, um..." "Ferrero Rocher and, er..." "Twix?" "What are you all doing?" "Well, Ferrero is smearing Chambourss Hippopotamousse all over Rocher." "Uh-huh." "What's Twix doing?" "Um..." "Picking her fee and watching June Sarpong on T4." "Picking her feet?" "This is costing m a pound a minute." "Can you be a bit sexier?" "Ooh, my God I so can't believe you just said that." "I'm like well the J-Lo If Rochelle says I'm lying, don't listen to her because her brother ate a goldfish for 50p and I'm like well fit because we were all in media studie and I was wearing a short skirt." "Mr Jarman, who everyone knows is a pervert, spent the whole lesso totally staring at my Muller Fruit Corner." " Vicky" " Yeah, who's this?" " It's Uncle Pete" " Uncle Pete?" "What are you ringing this for That is well out of order." " Put the phone down" " You won't tell Auntie Cath, will you?" "I'm going to call you back This is like well costing you a lot." "Hello?" "So the thing is we're all covered in Hippopotamuses and we're all licking it off each othe and I'm totally lezzing everyone up and..." "All done?" "OK, Uncle Pete I'll see you Sunday." "Bye." "It's five past Ming the Merciless and in Bruise, Dudley and Tng Ton have spent their first night together" " Are you awake, Mr Dudwey" " Yes, I am." "Yes." "Did you have good time last night?" "Yes, it was very pleasant." "Did you enjoy all these thin Ting Tong do for you?" "Yes, I did I found it all to be a wonderful release." " Thank you, Ting Tong" " Would you like do it again?" "Yes, that would be most welcome." "Yes." "I'll just take a little tinkle, then I'll return." "Don't be long, cup cake." "Missing you already, Mr Dudwey." "Oh, the flush isn't working." "Ting Tong?" "Ting Tong?" "The flush isn't..." "No..." "No..." "Mr Dudwey, I can explain!" " You've got the.." " l'm sorry, Mr Dudwey." " l was going to tell you" " When?" "After wedding." "There isn't gonna be a wedding What are you, anyway?" "A Ladyboy." " A what" " Yes, Mr Dudwey." "It time you knew My real name not Ting Tong." "My real name..." "Tong Ting." "No." "Get out of my flat, you Lady gayboy!" "Oh, don't, Mr Dudwey. I beg of you Please don't make me leave." "Mr Dudwey!" "Maybe you could stay just one more night." "At Hill Grange Health Spa, ex-international show Jumper Desire and her husband Roman are making the most of their honeymoon," "I'm feeling very frisky today, my Love." " Are you" " Like a man three-quarters of my age." "Well, let's go into the steamy roo and have a little bit of how's-your-farthing." "I could show you a thing or two." "I have one or two things to show you." " Oh, Roman - l love you so much." "I love you too, bubby." " Just the two of us" " Alone at last." " Hello, darlings" " Oh, Bubbles!" "I trust you are enjoyin your honeymoony." "This is so fatiguing to me." "You know, we're tying to have a little bit of private time." "Don't worry about me, darling I'm so over you, you wouldn't believe it." "Good." "You'll never get him back, baby." "That's fine by me. I don't want him bac after you've had your dirty paws all over him." "How dare you compare me to a bear!" "You harlot!" "You strumpet!" "Please, ladies, stop." "Oh, my love You appear to be missing something." "Oh." "My necklace?" " No" " My earrings?" "You took my earrings?" "No, it's your, um..." "My wig!" "She taken my wig I didn't even know I wore a wig!" "Don't be ridiculous, darling I don't have your wig." " Don't just stand there." "Help me look" " Of course, my sweet." "Oh, it's like the black hole of Calcutta." "How dare you make personal remark about my a-hole!" "Right, ladies, that is enough." "I'll leave you to it." "It must be somewhere." "Miss Bubble Will you be needing a bikini wax later?" "No, thank you, darling. I'm letting it grow." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Champagne Champagne for everyone!" "Meanwhile in the new town of Dane Bowersville, university lecturer Linda Flint is busy marking." "This pen is excellent." "One moment." "Just put the top back on." " Come in" " Hi, Linda." "Hello, Nina." "Take a seat What can I help you with today?" "Well, I'm not really enjoyin the Contemporary Women's Poetry course." "I wondered if I could change to Sexual Identit in the Works of Emile Bronte." "Oh." "Sounds a bit heavy, but if you're sure." " Yeah - l'll check with Martin it's not too late." "It's Linda. I've got a student her wanting to know if she can change courses." "It's Nina." "You know Nina." "Long, flowing skirts lovely dangling earrings." "Looks like she's been slurping a cappuccino." "You'd get a stubble rash if you kissed her." "Never heard of Immac." "That's right." "Magnum P.l." "He says that's fine." " Thanks" " No problem." "Harriet saw her at the swimming baths Said it was like Chewbacca in a bikini." "Could you shut the door on the way out?" "Why are people fat?" "Because God hates them." "So they attend diet classes like this." "Hello, fat fighters." "Come here, you." "Later." "Sorry we're late." "So I bet you're all wondering wh this new face is." "Well, this sexy MF... ..is Derek and he's my boyfriend." "We met a couple of days ago Hello, everybody." "Hello." "Feels like I've known you my whole life." "Yeah." "We met in the gym." "He's a personal trainer." "She was in the saun not doing any exercise." "I don't just go in the sauna, Derek I use the sunbed as well." "Anyway, I'm getting plenty of exercise now." "Ooh, it's a beast!" "Now, what we're gonna d today is something a bit different, shake it up a bit as Derek is going to get us all up exercising." "And we're gonna see if we can' shift a few of them extra stone." "Eh, pet?" " That's the one I was telling about, the walrus" " The one who..." "No, that's the one who stinks." " Hi, Tania" " Hello." "And I should warn you, that one over ther is Mira." "She is of the Asian persuasion." " Hello, Mira" " Hello, Derek." "Not a word." "Derek." "OK, gang." "Let's get up on our feet." "And we'll just start with some stretches." "You've stretched me." "Tell you what girls once you've had black, you ain't going back!" "Great." "So I want you to all get into pairs." "Oh, I haven't got anyone." " That's all right, love." "Come with me" " Oh!" "One of you put your han on your partner's shoulder to balance." "Lift your leg up behind you and stretch it." " Ooh, you got lucky there, Tania" " Yeah, and he's all muscle." "Are you flirting again, Derek?" "I'm just being friendly, Marge." "OK." "Deep breaths, everybody." "And breathe from the diaphragm which is here." "Actually, I wish I were 20 years younger." "You're actually very luck I'm not the jealous type but if you touch that shitting slag again it's over." " l was only joking, Marjorie" " You can shut up, you fat old ugly Lolita." "Look, I'm not sure me being her is a good idea." " l'll call you later" " Don't bother, you Christopher Casanova." "You had me and you lost me." "Don't think I'm gonna run after yo because we are through." "That's right." "Screw you!" "Just got to get...something out of the car." "Don't go, Derek!" "I made a terrible mistake!" "I'm not interested." "You're fucking nuts!" "No!" "Anybody got any chocolate?" "Old people in Britai are abandoned in homes like this." "Hello, Mrs Carpenter." " And how are we today" " All right." "Right." "Let's just get you up out of this chair." "Oop!" "There we are." "OK?" "That's better." "This is the local pu of out gay man Dafydd Thomas." "I thought I might be gay for a whil until I met my lovely wife Gerald." "Hello, Myfanwy We'd like two Bacardi and Cokes, please." "Oh." "Coming right up." "Who's this?" "This, everybody, is my girlfriend." " Your girlfriend" " That's right, Myfanwy." "My girlfriend." "But you are a gay." "I know, the only gay in the village but the people here are so anti-gayest I've been forced to take myself a girlfriend." "I hope you're happy now." "So you won't be havin any bum fun at all, then?" "No, Myfanwy. I'm going to be living a lie tortured by my repressed sexuality." "My every waking momen is going to be a misery." "For I will never be able to tell he my shameful secret." "That I am gay, gay, gay..." "Homosexual..." "Gay..." "Well, I think she might know by now." "Oh, no." "She doesn't speak a word of English." " What's her name" " No idea. I don't speak Spanish." "Well, does she speak Welsh?" "I don't think so." "She looked bored during tonight's episode of Pobol Y Cwm." "Oh, look at her, poor thing." "Mm. I think she was on a rambling tou and got lost." "Are you all right, love?" "Yo estaba con mi grupo de amigo y fuimos a la monta–a, empecŽ a tomar fotos cuando voltŽ mis amigos no estaban ah', ya estoy colgada aqu'." "Huh." "Women." "Right." "Come along, beard." " See you later, Dafydd" " Goodbye, Myfanwy." "Well, I hope you people are satisfied." "My bottom for now remains sealed." "Thank you." "This shop sells paintings." "I myself am a great collector of art and have an original at home by Van Gogh." "Sally Van Gogh." " Hello" " Hello." "I did not see you there Have you been here long?" "No, not long." "Just about a week or so." "Right." "Can I help you?" "I was wondering if you could help me." "I am looking to buy a painting of a disappointed horse." "A disappointed horse?" " Yes" " Well, I'm not sure, er..." "How about this one?" "That horse looks more perturbe than disappointed." "Right." "This one?" "The horse looks disappointe but not because it received bad news." "It looks disappointe because it had high expectations that have remained unfulfilled." "Now you say it, mm..." "How about this one?" "I can see the disappointment I can see the frustration." "But I can also sense a flicker of hope that thing may get better for this horse." "And that really isn't what I'm looking for." "One moment." "Margaret?" "Margaret?" "Yes?" "This gentleman wants to know if we hav any paintings of a disappointed horse." "Has he seen the perturbed one the unfulfilled one and the one that appears disappointe but has a flicker of hope?" "Yes." " Oh" " Oh." "Oh, I've got an idea." "Roy?" "Roy?" "Yes?" "If he's looking for picture of disappointed animal, we have a very good one of a vexed kitten." "Oh, she says we have a very good on of a vexed kitten." "I'm not sure that would make a nice painting." "An irked kitten, perhaps, but not vexed." "Oh. I don't know what to suggest." "Do you have any painting featuring displeased owls?" "Displeased..." "Do you know, we may have just the thing." "Oh, where did I put it?" "Oh, here it is." "Well?" "What do you reckon?" "Oh, yes, that owl looks very displeased I will take it." "Thought we'd never get there." "I have a painting of an inconvenienced badge at home. I can put it next to that." "Oh, right." "Did you buy that here?" "No, I bought it from the inconvenienced badge painting shop." "Oh, yes. I know it." "How's business?" "Slow." "Right, well, that'll be £100, please." "There you go." "Thank you." "I can't help thinking this ow looks more disillusioned than displeased." "Get out or I will strangle you." "Goodbye." "This couple are visiting their mind local Indian restaurant." "To my mind, anyon who eats foreign food is a traitor and should be shot at dawn." "I'll have the vegetable biryani, please That is quite mild, isn't it?" "And some plain rice." "Very good." "And for sir?" "Might one enquire as to the spiciest dis upon your menu, my good man?" "The king prawn vindaloo is very spicy, sir." "Lovely. I'll have one of those, please Thank you, friend." " Tom, you don't like spicy food" " Yes, I do." " You don't" " Woman, I like it spicy." "The spicier the better." " Oh, that was quick" " Yeah, it's good service here." "Mm." "Ooh, yeah." "Mine's delicious, how's yours?" "S Express!" "Milky, milky!" "Supermatch game supermatch game, supermatch game" "You are a membe of the rebel alliance and a spy." "Cup of tea and a slice of cake, Aunt Sally." "The phantom of the opera is her inside my mind" "Bit mild, actually." "Supermatch game" "In St Saddam's hospital Maggie is recovering from a kidney transplant." " Hello, Maggie" " Hello, dear." "How are you today?" "I'm perfectly fine I told them I'm ready to go home." "Now, Maggie, you've had a very seriou operation." "You must listen to the doctors." "I..." "I got you these." "Oh." "South African." "I'll have those later." " Mrs..." "Blackmore" " Yes." " How's the new kidney" " It's fine, thank you, Doctor." "I would love to know the name of the donor." "I feel I should write to the famil and thank them." "Oh, well, I shouldn't really tell you but I believe it was a Mrs..." "Banerjee." "Maggie?" "Are you all right, Mrs Blackmore?" "Do you have any other kidneys lying around?" "It's five past Nicky Nacky Noo Noo," "At the Houses of Parliament, Prime Minister' Questions is taking place." "I would refer the honourable membe to the answer I gave some moments ago." "The leader of the opposition." "I don't know if the prime ministe has had an opportunity to view the front pag of the Sun newspaper today." "It shows two photographs of the prime minister illustrating how old and tired he looks." "Might I suggest the honourable member look as old and tired as his policies." "Order!" "Order!" "In answer to the honourable gentleman I've not seen the publication." "The prime minister may be glad to kno i have a copy here." "Order, order." "Perhaps this is the tim for the honourable member to retire." "This is..." "This is, um.." "nothing but a personal attack on me." "Um..." "My appearance is..." "It's not..." "You are beautiful" "No matter what they say" "Words can't bring you down" "Yes, you are beautiful" "In every single way" "Words can't bring you down" "So don't you bring me down today..." "Sebastian..." "Every day is so wonderful" "Then suddenly it's hard to breathe" "Cos we are beautiful" "No matter what you say" "Yes, words can't bring us down" "No, no, no, no" "So don't you bring us down" "Today" "Ay" "You're beautiful." "Thank you, Sebastian." "Can we get him working for us?" "Lou and And are sailing down the River Thames." "The Thames was modelle on the opening credit's of EastEnders." "..to protect the city from the risk of flooding." "This is boring." "You've been wantin to come on this boat trip for ages." "You always said the only way to see Londo was via its ancient waterway, like a pulsating arter through the heart of this historic city." " Yeah, I know" " Well, then." "Boring." "Would a choc ice make any difference?" "Maybe." "I'll get you a choc ice, then." "That's a nice choc ice that one, yeah." "Andy?" "Andy?" "Where are you?" "Andy?" "Andy?" "Andy?" "And so we conclude our journe round Little Britain, if you have found this sho in any way distasteful and wish to make a complaint, please write to the Chuckle Brothers care of CBBC." "Goodzye!" "Andy!"