"(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "(theme song ending)" "Hi, honey." "Hi." "What are you doing?" "Darning your socks." "Well, good for you." "I didn't know you knew how to darn." "Oh, sure, there's nothing to it, especially if you have a darning egg." "Boy, you should have seen the hole in this one." "It's taken me half an hour to sew it up." "Hmm." "There." "There." "Darn it, I sewed up the top." "(chuckles)" "Oh, Lucy, you're amazing." "Oh, well, I'll just have to rip it out." " No, no, don't do that." " Why?" "I can use it as a blackjack." "Oh, give me that." "No, I've got to fix it." "(laughing)" "Oh, dear." "Honey, where are you going?" "I'm going to rehearsal, honey." "Again?" "You've been to rehearsal every day for a week." "I know, but I can't help it." "Wouldn't it be easier to get good musicians?" "Please, no disparaging remarks." "(phone rings)" "I'll get it, I'll get it." "Hello." "Oh, hello, Jerry." "Well, my goodness, Jerry, there must be millions of girls who want to take this job." "Oh, look, Jerry, don't I have enough trouble putting the whole television show together without having to look for a girl to do the commercial?" "Uh... uh..." "Cuantas veces ha dicho que no me Name a la casa?" "Never mind, never mind." "I know what you're talking about." "What about a television show, Ricky?" "Wait a minute." "All right, Jerry." "I'll get the girl to do the commercial." "Good-bye." "Well?" "Well, I'm going to do a television show." "That's all." "And you cannot be on it." "Oh, Ricky, please?" "Just let me do the commercial." "Nothing doing." "Why not?" "Look, honey, this is too big a chance for me." "I need someone with a lot of 'sperience." "Well, I've had "'sperience."" "You never even been on a television show." "Well, maybe not, but I've watched them a lot." "There's a slight difference." "Oh, now, Ricky..." "I'm sorry, honey-- I got to go now." "I'll see you later." " Oh!" " Oh!" "Hi, Lucy." "Hi." "Need any work done up here?" "Ethel's gone to see her mother for a couple of days and I got a lot of time." "Ethel's gone and you want to work?" "Yeah, it seems loafing isn't any fun unless she's nagging at me to get some work done." "Well, there's nothing to do up here unless you want a job knocking some sense into Ricky's head." "What's the matter?" "Well, he's going to emcee a big television show and they need a girl to do the commercial." "Now you know how good I am at that." "Oh, sure, I've seen you do a hundred television commercials." "Well, I would be good if somebody would ever give me a chance." "Now, why don't you just relax and forget the whole thing?" "Gee, if there was only some way" "Ricky could see me on television." "Well, now, maybe you'd qualify as a lady wrestler." "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" "I got it!" " I know what I'm going to do." " What?" "Well, listen, when Ricky comes home tonight," "I'm not going to be here, but you are." "Oh, I am, huh?" "Yeah, and you're going to turn on that television set, and you know who's going to be on it?" "Well, I can only hope it's Faye Emerson." "No, no, it's going to be me." "Well, how are you going to work that out?" "Never mind, you just turn on that set and leave the rest to me, okay, buster?" "Oh, hello, Fred." "Oh, hi, Rick." " Where's Lucy?" " I don't know." "I came up to watch your television." " Ours is on the blink." " Oh?" "And there's a wonderful show coming on just about now." "At 23 minutes after 4:00?" "Yeah." "Now, sit down there." "I want you to watch it." "You'll enjoy it." "Call... for..." "Philip Morris!" "Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay." "Look, look, Rick, that's Lucy." "She's on television." "Yeah, how about that?" "I can't get over how clear the picture is." "Yeah." "♪ Da-da ta-da-da-da!" "♪" "Well, what do you know?" "Third-dimensional television." "Yeah." "Shh." "♪ Da-da ta-da-da-da!" "♪" "Philip Morris, America's most enjoyable cigarette, presents the Lucy Ricardo Show." "♪ Da-da ta-da-da-da!" "♪" "I don't think this is such a hot show, Fred." "I think I'll get another station." "As our first offering this evening, we..." "Stop that now!" "Go back and sit down!" "That's very funny." "Now, come on out of there." "As our first offering this evening, we present..." "Lucy, I said come on out of there." "As our first offering this evening, we present that inimitable personality that talented performer that versatile entertainer..." "Lucy Ricardo!" "(screaming)" "Ricky!" "Ricky!" "What are you trying to do?" "!" "Are you crazy or something?" "What are you trying to do, barbecue me?" "I'm sorry." "Are you really sorry?" "Of course I'm really sorry." "Are you truly sorry?" "Yeah." "Well, are you sorry enough to let me do the commercial?" " No." " Oh, why not?" "Look, honey, even if I wanted to give you the job, I couldn't." "I already hired another girl." "Oh..." "Say, what did you do with all the works?" "I took them out." "Well, I can see that, but where is it?" "It?" "Yeah." "The chassis slides right out." "All in one piece?" "Yeah, all in one piece." "Eww..." "What do you mean, "eww"?" "Well..." "Lucy, what have you done?" "Well, I didn't know it all came out together." "So?" "So, I took it out one piece at a time." "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Lucy, I've got to be at a television rehearsal in half an hour." "Is my breakfast ready?" "Are you still not speaking to me?" "Look..." "I don't care if you don't want to talk to me or not, but please get up and fix my breakfast." "I need my strength." "Lucy, are you going to fix my breakfast or not?" "What do you want me to do, starve to death?" "Would you, please?" "Look, I had a perfect right to bawl you out." "Putting that television set together is going to cost a fortune, maybe more." "I'm glad it's broken." "Glad?" "Yes, now I won't have to look at your silly Cuban mug on that show tonight." "Ay, que barbaridad." "No se lo que le paso a esta mujer." "Cada vez, cada semana se pone peor y peor Ia cabeza." "Yo me voy a ir de aqui." "Esta completamente equivocada de todo." "No se lo que le paso." "Hello." "Oh, Fred, could you come up for a minute, please?" "Senora Ricardo and I are not speaking to each other, and I'd like you to do me a favor." "Thank you, Fred." "Hi, Rick, what do you want?" "Oh, listen, Fred, I got to go to rehearsal right away and I'm expecting a very important phone call and Lucy's mad at me." "So would you please stay here and give someone a message?" "Sure." "Well, the girl that is gonna do the television commercial is going to call." "Now you tell her to be at Studio 10, Television Center, at 1:00 this afternoon." "FRED:" "All right." " Thanks a lot, Fred." " You're welcome." "See you later." "Oh, hello, Fred." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, hi, Ricky asked me to wait here and take a telephone message." "He told me that you two aren't speaking to each other." "Oh, well..." "I'll take the call, Fred." "It's silly to have you wait up here." "All right, it's from the girl who's doing the commercials on Ricky's television show tonight, and he wants her to be sure and get the message." "Now, you won't mind this, Lucy?" "Oh, no, not at all." "Television center, Studio 10, 1:00." "Yeah." "Hey, how did you know that?" "Oh, well, that's where Ricky does all of his television shows." "Oh." "Well, I'll see you later." "Okay." " Bye." " Bye." "(phone rings)" "Hello." "Oh, no, Mr. Ricardo isn't here." "Oh, yes, yes, he wanted me to give you a message." "He said to tell you that he's very sorry but they've already hired another girl to do the commercial and they won't be needing you after all." "Good-bye." "♪ Deedly deedly dee, deedly deedly dee... ♪" "Okay, Joe, I'm ready to rehearse the commercial." "Where's the girl?" "She's studying her script." "She'll be right in here." " This the new sponsor?" " Yeah." "Stuff any good?" "Well, it ought to be." "It's got everything in it-- meat, vegetables, minerals, vitamins..." "Wonder where she is." "Alcohol 23%." "Alcohol 23%?" "!" " Oh!" " Oh." "Are you the young lady that's going to do the commercial?" "Yes, sir." "Well, I'm Ross Elliot, the director." " How do you do?" " How do you do?" "I'm Lucille..." "McGillicuddy." "Ricky sure knows how to pick them." "Oh, thank you." "You know your lines yet?" "Well, I think so." "Well, let's run through it." "All right." "Now, you stand right over here." "Yes, sir." "Now, let's try it once, and remember, be bright and vivacious." " Yes, sir." " All right." "Maury, will you stand by with the script, please." "All right." "(clears throat)" "Hello, friends." "I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl." "Are you tired, run down, listless?" "Do you poop out at parties?" "Are you unpopular?" "The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle." "Now you pick up the bottle." "Oh." "Little higher." "That's right." "The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle-- Vitameatavegamin." "Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables and minerals." "Yes, with Vitameatavegamin, you can spoon your way to health." "All you do is take a tablespoonful after every meal." "Now you take some." "Oh." "It's so tasty, too." "It's... just like candy." "No, no, no, no." "Look, you're supposed to like the stuff." "You've got to smile, be happy." "Now, try it again." "Yes, sir." "It's so tasty, too." "It's just like candy." "Nope, once more." "It's so tasty, too." "It's just like candy." "That's going to be fine." "You, you just go ahead." "Okay." "So why don't you join the thousands of happy. peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow?" "That's Vita-meata-vegamin." "Oh, that's fine, fine." "Now you've got the feeling." "Now I'd like to try it once more, only this time faster and brighter." "LUCY:" "Faster and brighter." "Yes, sir." "Hiya, Ross." "Oh, hello, Ricky." "Hiya, Lucy." "I want to see how that..." "Hi." "And what, may I ask, are you doing here?" "Well, she's going to do the commercial." "She's going to do the commercial?" "Yeah." "What did you do to the girl that was supposed to be here?" "Now, Lucy, I told you you couldn't do the commercial." "Now, what's the big idea?" "Lucy, what have you got to say for yourself?" "Hello, friends, I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl." "Are you tired, run down, listless?" "Never mind, never mind." "Do you poop out at parties?" "Never mind that." "Now, come on, you're going home." "Now, wait a minute, Ricky." "It's too late to get anybody else." "Besides, she's pretty good." "Oh, sure, sure." "No, I mean it, listen to her." "You go ahead, Miss McGillicuddy." "Yeah, go ahead, Miss McGillicooddy." "Hello, friends, I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl." "Are you tired, run down, listless?" "Do you poop out at parties?" "Are you unpopular?" "The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle-- Vitameatavegamin." "Yes, Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables and minerals." "Yes, with Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your way to health." "All you do is take a big tablespoonful after every meal." "It's so tasty, too." "Tastes just like candy." "So why don't you join the thousands of happy, peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow." "That's Vita-meata-vegamin." "See what I mean?" "All right, you can do it tonight." "But only because we're in a spot and it's late, understand?" "Yes, sir." "(hiccup)" "Oh." "Pardon me." "You'd better be good, too." "I'll go see about that number, Ross." "Okay." "Now, I'd like to do it once more, this time from "it's so tasty, too."" "It's so tasty, too." " That's right." " Yes, sir." "It's so tasty, too." "Just like candy." "You know, this stuff tastes pretty good once you get used to it." "Yes, I know." "Now, would you go ahead, please?" ""It's so tasty, too."" "Oh." "It's so tasty, too." "So..." "So, uh..." "I don't know where to start unless I begin at the beginning." "All right, start at the beginning." "Oh, thank you." "Hello, friends, I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl." "Are you tired, run down, listless?" "Do you poop out at parties?" "Are you unpopular?" "The answer to all your problems is in this bittle lottle..." "uh, little bottle." "Uh..." "Vitameatavegamin..." "Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meats, vegesables and minerals." "Uh, yes, with Vitameatavegamin, you can spoon your way to health." "All you have to do is take a big tablespoonful after every meal." "It's so tasty, too." "Tastes like candy... honest." "(laughs)" "So why don't you join the thousands of happy. peppy people and get a great big bottle of Mitameatamigamin?" "Remember that name" "Mitavatameatymat." "Miss McGillicuddy..." "Hmm?" "Are you feeling all right?" "Oh, I feel fine, but it's awful hot in here." "It must be the lights." " Hey, Ross?" " Yeah." "The audio man wants to get a level on her voice." "Oh." "Miss McGillicuddy?" "Huh?" "Would you mind doing it just once more, please?" "Oh, no, sir, it would be perfectly all right." "Thank you." "Okay in the control room?" "MAN:" "Yeah, go ahead." "Now, we're going to time it this time." "You ready?" "Go!" "You know, you're awfully nice." "Thank you." "Would you go ahead, please?" "Well, I'm your Vitaveatavigyvat girl." "Are you tired, run down, listless?" "DO you pop out at parties?" "Are you unpoopular?" "Well, are you?" "The answer to all your problems is in this little ol' bottle." "Vitameatavegamin." "That's it." "Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins and meat and megetables and vinerals." "(hiccup)" "So why don't you join the thousands of happy Peppy People and get a great big bottle of, uh..." "Vitaveatyvee..." "meeny, miny, moe." "I tell you what you have to do." "You have to take a whole tablespoonful after every meal." "It's so tasty, too." "It's just like candy." "So everybody get a bottle of... this stuff." "Miss McGillicuddy?" "Hmm?" "Are you all right?" "Oh, I feel fine, but you know, it's hot in here." "Well, do you think you'll be able to go on with the show?" "Well, do you?" "What?" "Joe!" "I think you'd better take a little rest until show time." "LUCY:" "Yeah, boy, it sure is hot in here." "Joe, would you take Miss McGillicuddy to one of the dressing rooms and let her rest until show time?" "Oh, sure." "Come on, Miss McGillicuddy." "Joe, is it hot in here to you?" "Pardon me." "Thank you." "You're very nice." "You've been a perfect gememan." "Come on, Joe." " Hey, Ross?" " Yeah." "Where's that girl that's supposed to do the commercial?" "I can't find her." "She's taking a nap in one of" "the dressing rooms" " No, she's not." "I looked in the dressing room." "Well, find her, and get Ricky out here." "We're on the air in 15 seconds." "Okay, stand by, everybody, 15 seconds!" "Hey, Ricky, you're on!" " Ricky!" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " Come on, 15 seconds." " All right, all right." "MAN:" "A little further back, Ricky." "Further back, all right." "Little more." "That's it." "Stand by, everybody!" "(band plays fanfare)" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Your Saturday Night Varieties." "My name is Ricky Ricardo, I'm your host for this evening." "We have some wonderful acts, and I think we're all going to have a lot of fun." "So, if we may, we'd like to start things off with a little music." "Mr. Hatch, if you please?" "(band plays introduction)" "Hey, hey, olé, olé, olé." "Viva espana." "(singing in Spanish)" "Hey, boys, let's go." "(band continues playing)" "(Ricky resumes singing)" "♪ Dire la capa con... ♪" "♪ Con gesto altivo... ♪" "♪ Y descubriendo... ♪" "Hi, Fred." "Hi, Ethel." "Hi!" "Hi!" "Hello." "♪ Pisa morena... ♪" "♪ Morena. ♪" "♪ Pisa con garbo... ♪" "♪ Con garbo... ♪" "♪ De voy a hacer... ♪" "(singing off-key gibberish)" "♪ De mi capote... ♪" "♪ Y alla pisa... ♪" "(singing gibberish)" "Olé, olé!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "Olé!" "Very funny." "Hello, friends, I'm your Vitaveatyvigyvat girl." "Are you tired, rundown and listless?" "Are you tired, rundown and listless?" "♪♪" "(I Love Lucy theme music plays)" "ANNOUNCER:" "The part of the director was played by Ross Elliot." "Joe was played by Jerry Hausner." "I Love Lucy is a Desilu production."