"* [ group singing doo-wop ] * [ doo-wop continues ] # i'm dreaming # # of a white christmas # # just like the ones i used to know # * [ doo-wop continues ] # where those treetops glisten #" "# and children listen # # to hear # # sleigh bells in the snow # # the snow # # but then i-i-i am dreaming # # of a white christmas # # with every christmas card i write #" "* [ doo-wop continues ] * [ playing ] # may your days, may your days may your days # # be merry and bright # # and may all your christmases be white # * [ doo-wop continues ]" "# i-i-i-i'm dreaming # # of a white christmas # # just like the ones i used to know # * [ doo-wop continues ] # where the treetops glisten # # and the children listen # # to hear #" "# sleigh bells in the snow # * [ bass singing descending notes ] # i-i-i-i'm dreaming # # of a white christmas # # with every # # christmas card i write # * [ doo-wop continues ] # may those days may your days #" "# may your days be merry and bright #" "?" "# ooh-ooh-ooh ?" "# and may all # # your christmases be white #?" "?" "* [ doo-wop continues ] * [ doo-wop fades ] [ woman ] felix, come back here !" "you don't deserve to be the father of my child !" "come back here with that santa claus suit !" " [ groaning ] - [ sighs ] you jerk !" "you ruined our tree !" "that tree was absolutely symmetrical !" "it took us two hours to find it !" "it was perfect !" "nothing's perfect, you cretins !" "stop yelling. you're gonna send her into labor." "she's going into labor now !" "she is not !" "she's only seven months pregnant !" "[ rollerbladers yelling ] all right, stop it !" "it's christmas !" "it was an accident." "show a little christmas spirit." "[ man ] you owe us 40 bucks !" "touch me and i'll sue you for a million dollars !" "[ indistinct yelling ] i'm sure santa will repay you." "it was 50 bucks, okay ?" "we can't even afford to have our baby." "now look what you did !" "mind your own business, mister !" "you drove him away !" "this is my business." "my business is helping people." "well, you know what ?" "merry christmas !" "[ sighs ]" "[ woman's voice ] you have reached the office of lifesavers." "all lines are busy." "if you are truly on the verge of suicide and calling from a touch-tone phone, press one." "if you are merely depressed, stay on the line. a friendly voice will be with you shortly." "what am i supposed to do ?" "i don't have a touch-tone phone." "suppose iwason the verge of suicide ?" "[ sighs ] [ phone rings ] [ woman ] merry christmas. lifesavers." "how may we help you ?" "i haven't slept for days." "i'm terrified of the seaside strangler." "i know he's going to get me." "do you fit the physical description of his victims ?" "are you a very attractive woman with long, dark hair ?" "not really." "although, how long do you think is "long" ?" "at least to your shoulders." "[ man over static ] i can't stop worrying about the planet." "and what is it about janet that is worrying you ?" "not janet, the planet." "would you click your phone ?" "there's some static on the line." "[ static continues ] you know, dear, just click the little button like this." "[ dial tone ] hmm !" "we're not permitted to divulge the personal details of our lives, but i can assure you i know what you're feeling." "do you live alone too ?" "i live with my mother." "that's all i can say." "catherine, you're not supposed to tell them about yourself." "oh, i could never live with my mother." "that's something to remember." "no matter how bleak things are, at least you don't live with your mother." "thank you for calling and don't hesitate to call again." "merry christmas." "may i click for you ?" "i don't think so, mrs. munchnik." "that person wasn't suicidal, only depressed." "but if he or she had not spoken with you, he or she might have become suicidal, mightn't they ?" "[ counter clicks ] [ chuckles ] and where do you suppose philip is ?" "i'm sure he'll be here shortly." "playing around, probably." "that's very unfair." "philip is completely true to susan." "men are not true to anything." "they will have sex with a tree." "if you look out the window, you'll see him pulling up on his bicycle at any moment." "i could be having christmas eve dinner right now... with all of my dead husband's relatives." "i am not someone with no place to go." "i'm sure you're not." "[ phone rings ] merry christmas. lifesavers." "how may i help you ?" "philip !" "just the man i'm looking for." "merry christmas." "you're out." "you can't evict us." "lifesavers has saved over 1,400 lives this year." "doesn't that mean anything ?" "plus, you are three months behind in your rent." "we don't exactly have a cash flow." "after you save someone's life, you can't ask for money." "doctors can." "aren't you some sort of doctor, philip ?" "no." "tell me, in all of your calls, has anybody impaled themselves ?" " no." " aw !" "stanley, how am i gonna tell the people who work for me their jobs are over ?" "try "you're fired." it works for me." "does anyone ever drink glass ?" "we're broke." "the state has cut back our funding." "no, they don't drink glass." "what's the matter with you ?" "oh, they must." "they must what ?" "they must drink glass." "they must." "january 2." "out !" "you don't care, stanley tanenbaum." "you're one of the people who doesn't care." "of course not." "i'm the landlord." "[ laughs ]" "oh, philip, a tree." "merry christmas." "merry christmas." "i'm so glad you could make it." "are you all right ?" "i'm fine !" "temper, temper." "it's just that everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong." " at least we're not being evicted." " and why haven't we been ?" "where are the call sheets ?" "everyone else in the building... has received a yellow eviction notice." "one hang up !" "dr. gillespie has received two eviction notices." "one woman worried about the strangler." "one man about to slit his wrists..." "[ bike clattering ] because his nonprofit business is being destroyed by a capitalist maniac !" "if we do get evicted, i'm sure philip will think of something." "that's right." "i'll think of something." "when he was in the peace corps, he built an entire peruvian village." "[ both ] and solved all of their soil erosion problems." "you could see the bright side of a plague." "i'm on my way." "not without your present !" "merry christmas, mrs. munchnik." "a fruitcake ?" "yes." "remarkably like the one i gave you last year." "thank you so much, philip." "[ catherine ] oh, let me help you." "# i'll be home #" " merry christmas !" "# for christmas # # you can count on me # say hello to your dead husband's sister for me." "thank you, i will." "merry christmas." "merry christmas." "# please have snow # # and mistletoe # # and presents on the tree *" "[ pressing button ] [ sighs ]" "help !" "help !" "philip !" "catherine !" "it's mrs. munchnik !" "hello !" "what are you doing with that ?" "it's my protection against the seaside strangler." "oh, give me that, honey." "we don't know anything about guns." "oh, felix, i could have sold that santa claus suit and bought our baby a car seat." "we don't even have a car." "what was i supposed to wear ?" "you cut up all my clothes." "i was mad !" "honey, you were mad the day we met." "a man on the boardwalk comes up to me and says, "smile." a total stranger." "and you screamed at him, "shut up !" remember ?" "i did, didn't i ?" "[ laughs ] you were right to." "it was a total invasion of your privacy." "[ laughing ] it was." "hey !" "look what i got for you." "this means we can have the baby in the hospital for free !" "all we have to do is swear we're completely broke... and have absolutely no way of supporting ourselves and never will." "oh, god !" "felix, i don't want to hurt your feelings, but-- you are the only person in my whole life who's never hurt my feelings." "you're a loser." "i can't have a loser dropping in and out of my baby's life." "i'm not a loser !" "i'm an artist !" "why can't you paint on canvas or paper like anyone else ?" "because i'm a wall artist !" "but you don't have a wall !" "but someday i will have a wall." "someday i'm gonna do my masterpiece on a great big wall... right out there on the boardwalk." "and you're gonna be in it and the baby's gonna be in it... and the sand and the sea and the stars are gonna be shining !" "mmm, i want a businessman." "what are you talking about ?" "i'm talking about breaking up, felix." "that's what i'm talking about." "oh, come on, honey." "i'm leaving." "where you going ?" "i'm going for a walk." "gracie, honey, come on." "you're just stressed." "and don't try to follow me either !" "[ door slams ] susan !" "it's philip." "uh, uh, let me just go somewhere private where we can talk." "[ door shuts ] tanenbaum's evicting us." "the bastard !" "i'm sorry, philip." "you're gonna have to get another job." "susan... i've never asked you for money before, but you're a loan officer." "and a small loan-- say $5,000-- could save us." "i don't know what else to do." "i don't know how to tell catherine." "she's sitting out there knitting something-- a potholder." "[ susan sighs ] i hate to talk about money at a time like this." "a time like what ?" "oh, god, i don't know how to say this." "this is really hard for me." "my psychiatrist thinks we should break up." "what ?" "i didn't know you were going to a psychiatrist." "i'm not actually going to one." "i've been dating one for four months." "this is so sudden." "i didn't want to tell you this over the phone." "i really wanted to fax you." "but you don't even have a fax." "[ dial tone ] susan ?" "susan ?" "it's so quiet suddenly." "you'd expect everyone to be thinking of jumping out of windows... or slitting their wrists on christmas eve, wouldn't you ?" "[ phone rings ] merry christmas." "lifesavers." "how may we help you ?" "hello ?" "hello ?" "hello ?" "[ static crackling ] hello ?" "static again." "hello ?" "hello ?" "hello ?" "i can't hear you." "try clicking the little button." "i'm having a problem hearing." "look, i'm at the end of my rope, and i want to die." "click it." "click it, please." "go ahead." "[ gunshot ] [ groans ] hmm." "we were disconnected." "if a person's really upset, they always call back." "[ dial tone ] it's working." "# oh, what fun it is to ride in one-horse open sleigh # [ blows raspberry ] # jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way # # oh, so much fun it is to ride in open-horse open # help !" "help !" "hey !" "* [ indistinct singing ] # i like eating cheese it tastes very nice # help !" "help !" "i'm stuck up here !" "# everyone loves cheese especially white mice # can't you hear me ?" "hey, mr. capshaw !" "# jingle, jangle, jing # i'm stuck up here !" "* [ indistinct singing, rude noises ] can't you hear me ?" "# jingle, jangle, jang i like to eat stew it tastes very good # * [ nonsensical singing ]" " * [ continues singing ] - [ munchnik ] wait !" "wait !" "i'm up here !" "are you deaf ?" "* [ chipmunks singing "christmas, christmas" ]" "* [ chipmunks continue ]" "* [ high-pitched note ] * [ toy trumpet continues ]" "*" "* [ trumpet continues ] we could have a charity ball." "[ sighs ] who would i take ?" "we could have a garage sale." "susan has all my old records." "[ groans ] oh, geez !" "[ ringing ] a call !" "i'll get it !" "[ ringing continues ] line one." "[ clears throat ] hello, this is lifesavers." "merry christmas." "am i disturbing you ?" "no, no, no, not at all." "i'm very lonely tonight." "is there any chance i could stop by and talk ?" "well, it's not in the rules, but if you are willing to make a donation-- say, five grand-- [ gasps ] i'm kidding !" "everyone makes fun of me." "i'm sorry." "i'm sorry." "please, can't i come by ?" "i don't want to be alone." "no. no, no, no." "we have rules, but we're listening." "everyone at lifesavers is with you." "talk to us." "[ caller sobbing ] i'm so alone." ""so alone."" "is there anyone in your family you can call ?" "no, they hate me." "hate you." "what about church ?" "please, can't i stop by ?" "[ caller sniffling ] i'll only stay a minute." "i need to see someone." "[ sobbing ] please, just give me the address." "[ continues sobbing ] i cannot give out the address." "[ sobbing ] it's christmas." "[ sobbing ] [ sobbing continues ] it's 17 pier street !" "thank you." "i'll be right over." "[ hangs up receiver ] [ sniffs, sighs ] # on the first day of christmas my true love gave to me # # a partridge in a pear tree # # on the second day of christmas # # my true love gave to me # hey, arnold schwarzenegger !" "come on, hang some tinsel." "dad, i hate it when you call me that." "[ family chanting ] arnold !" "arnold !" "arnold !" "arnold !" "arnold !" "arnold !" "arnold !" "arnold !" "arnold !" "# on the third day of christmas my true love gave to me * [ voice amplified ] testing. testing." "one, two, three, four." "help !" "yoo-hoo !" "* [ electronic cymbals ] hey !" "hey !" "hey-hey !" "* [ drum cadence ] hey-- he-hey !" "yoo-hoo !" "* [ cadence speeds up ] hey !" "hey !" "* [ cymbals, cadence continues ] [ rapping ] # i'm stuck in the elevator # * [ cymbals clanging ] hey !" "* [ cadence continues ] # i'm stuck in the elevator get me please #" "?" "# come to get me on christmas eve ?" "?" "# mrs. munchnik sittin' here with nothin' ?" "# hey, come to get me-- #?" "?" "[ sobbing ] * [ cymbals, new cadence ] oh !" "god." "whoa !" "hey !" "# come-- now come to get me stuck in this place # # get me soon or hit me in my face * [ whimpers, indistinct muttering ] i can't believe i did it !" "i broke the rule." "i gave out our address." "i hate it when they cry." "especially when the cries have those little hiccups at the end." "this is the worse day of my life." "it's the santa anas." "everyone's behaving strangely." "what if he's a serial killer ?" "what if i gave our address to the seaside strangler ?" "i don't think the seaside strangler phones first, although it could be one of those details they leave out of the newspapers." "[ phone rings ] i'll handle this." "[ ringing continues ]" "hello, this is lifesavers." "merry christmas." "how may i help you ?" "[ man ] hello." "i'm calling you because this is my last christmas." ""your last christmas." continue." "i have leukemia." "i have only two months to live." "hello ?" "leukemia." "i'm so sorry, sir." "may i speak to a woman ?" "may i wish a woman merry christmas ?" "absolutely." "and may i say that i admire your courage." "all of us here do." "here is my colleague." "hello. merry christmas, if it's all right to say that." "[ caller ] what's your name ?" "catherine." "i want to do it to you." "i want to stick it in you right now !" "did he say, "stick it in" ?" "oh, i'm reaming and ramming !" "[ caller panting ] oh, you love it !" "stop it, right this minute !" "we can't have that sort of thing !" "[ humming, making noise ] put the slut back on !" "[ doorbell buzzing ] [ man's voice ] dog haters, that awful woman is stuck in the elevator." "stuck. i hope forever." "[ munchnik shouting ] i'm stuck !" "[ gasps ] we're coming, mrs. munchnik !" "[ man ] i hope it takes them years to get you out." "it'll serve you right for reporting daisy to the landlord." "she practically gave me rabies !" "you don't "practically" get rabies." "you either get rabies or you don't get rabies." "there's no in between." "[ phone ringing ] i'll get that !" "[ philip ] what seems to be the problem ?" "i'm sure i don't know." "i am a trained mechanic, and i would happily fix any elevator... that didn't have a dog hater stuck in it !" "i'll check the circuit breaker box." "well, who was that ?" "another basket case ?" "that was your dead husband's sister." "they're starting dinner without you." "lucky them !" "[ catherine ] i'm calling the landlord." "don't think i don't know... what's really going on between you and those dogs !" "stanley, if you could just come over, please." "i can't." "please, stanley ?" "she can't spend christmas in an elevator." "i can't !" "in a couple of hours." "thank you." "[ rings ] hello." "lifesavers." "catherine." "oh, hi, gracie." "finally, you're off the phone." "don't you ever stop yakking ?" "we're supposed to talk on the phone." "that's why we're here." "yes." "right." "is something wrong ?" "you've got to let me spend the night at your place." "felix is acting totally irrational." "he ran off in my santa suit, which i could have sold today." "what ?" "it's not the fuse box." "of course it's not the fuse box !" "it is a short inside." "i saw an electrician fix it last week." "all you need is a screwdriver, and i will tell you what to do." "i think there's one in the earthquake kit." "catherine !" "hold on a second, gracie !" "what is it, philip ?" "would you get the screwdriver out of the earthquake kit ?" "oh." "wait, wait, wait !" "do you really think we ought to use it ?" "suppose we take it out and forget to put it back and then the big one comes ?" "there's a law that all businesses, even nonprofit, have to have complete earthquake kits." "get it !" "i'll get it !" "come here first, and i'll take you over to mother's. she'll be terrified if you ring the bell." "why ?" "is she gonna think i'm the seaside strangler ?" "she is a little nervous." "does she fit the descriptions of the victims ?" "uh, not really." "for me ?" "then why is she carrying on ?" "there he is. i'm never speaking to him again, even if he begs." "gracie ?" "gracie ?" "gracie ?" "[ felix ] gracie !" "yoo-hoo !" "gracie !" "honey, come on !" "come home." "come back to me." "i'll get a regular job." "you had a regular job making pizza and you messed it up." "the manager hated me." "you never showed up on time !" "i'm a wall artist !" "you're a wall artist with no wall, which makes you a nothing !" "yeah, you tell him, lady." "he ruined our tree." "shut up !" "you're both materialistic idiots !" "yeah !" "hey !" "[ grunting ] hold on." "it's pajamas." "ah." "i knitted them." "thank you." "everyone's always giving the bride things to wear to bed, but no one ever gives the groom anything." "the thing is, i'm never getting married." "of course you are." "you're getting married in four months." "be patient." "everything comes to him who waits." "i don't really believe that." "i've been saying things like that for so long, they just pop out." "but the truth is nothing comes to him who waits." "[ phone ringing ] merry christmas." "lifesavers." "hello." "i'm so upset." "i'm listening." "i was in the supermarket and everyone was buying big turkeys, and i was standing in the ten-items-and-under line with a chicken breast." "i know." "i suddenly realized i was going to be in the ten-items-and-under line the rest of my life." "[ sighs ] i know." "[ sobbing ] are you all right ?" "[ sobbing ] catherine, what's wrong ?" " [ continues crying ] - let me handle this." "[ sobbing ] may i help you ?" "is she all right ?" "she'll be all right." "she's just so sympathetic." "may i put you on hold while i run to my desk ?" "you're not calling from a bridge or holding a weapon ?" "no." "good." "[ sobbing ] # have yourself a merry little christmas # catherine o'shaughnessy, get a grip on yourself." "okay, so the only present you got is from your mother." "so ?" "you have nothing to do on new year's eve for the tenth consecutive year." "you're a very lucky person." "you have a wonderful job and-- you have a wonderful job." "so there. so there !" "# have yourself a merry little christmas # # now * [ philip ] well, just remember that in every pothole there is hope." "well, you see, pothole is spelled p-o-t-h-o-l-e." "so if you take the "p" and add it to the "h," the "o" and the "e"... and rearrange the letters, or contrariwise, remove the "o," "t" and "l," you get "hope."" "so, just remember," ""in every pothole there is hope."" "now, thank you for calling and call again any time." "are you feeling better ?" "in every pothole there is hope." "my father used to say that to me." "i remember." "he said it to me only a day or two before he walked out the door and was run over.... by a truck full of mixed nuts." "truck full of mixed nuts." "oh, i have something for you." "merry christmas, catherine." "oh, philip !" " thank you !" " [ gasps ]" "fruit of the month club." "for three months." "first you get apples, then you get oranges, then you get pears." "i'll take that wrapping." "it's okay." "i save the wrapping." "i save it too." "i make ornaments." "i paid for it !" "give it to me !" "give it to me." "give it to me." "philip, what's this ?" "this is an eviction notice." "this says we have to be out of the building by the end of the year." "oh, my gosh !" "oh, my gosh !" "oh, my gosh !" "it's christmas !" "i didn't want to upset you !" "we have to move !" "we have to find someplace !" "we don't have any money." "philip, you can solve this." "i know you can." "when the city of los angeles was going to chop down healthy elm trees... just in case they got dutch elm disease, you handcuffed yourself to a tree-- and called the newspaper !" "i'll call the newspaper !" "two weeks from now i'll be home, unemployed, with my royal riviera pears." "may i have the number of the los angelestimes ?" "i'm gonna pray for a miracle." "thank you." "[ munchnik ] hey, dickheads !" "i'm coming, mrs. munchnik !" "don't tell her anything !" "get me out of this elevator !" "[ woman's voice ] you have reached the los angelestimes." "if you would like to order a subscription, please press one." "if your newspaper did not arrive this morning, press two." "if you would like to place a classified ad, press three." "if you would like to speak to the editorial desk, city desk, national desk, international desk, sports desk, metro, view or calendar sections, press the first three letters of the desk you desire... followed by the star key in the case of the first three," "or the pound key in the case of the latter five." "[ munchnik ] help !" "i'm coming !" "i'm coming !" "here you go. i'll just pull you through the roof." "i got ya, i got ya." " [ gasping ] - i called the landlord." "he'll be here in two hours." "i can't wait two hours !" "i have to go to the bathroom !" "just hang on." "we'll have you out in a minute." "i can't hold it !" "hurry up !" "oh, my god !" "oh, my god !" "[ screaming ] [ screaming ] [ screaming ]" " [ catherine ] philip, are you all right ?" " do i look like i'm all right ?" "i'm slipping !" "i'm going to crash !" "hold onto my wrist !" "you're hurting my wrist." "bring the elevator back !" "bring it back !" "[ philip ] you have two innocent people up here dangling !" "[ munchnik ] who's down there ?" "whoever you are, stop on four !" "no, three !" "three !" "stop on three, not four !" "gracie, come on !" "where you goin' ?" "[ munchnik screaming ] it's coming back !" "we're gonna be crushed !" "do you have anything to say to susan ?" "any last words ?" "she broke up with me !" "[ gasping, tapping feet ] [ munchnik shouting ] push stop !" "push the red button !" "what red button ?" "is someone talking' to me ?" "i'm talkin' to you !" "h-help. help !" "push the red button !" "don't you hear me ?" "[ philip shouting ] god, help !" "we're gonna die !" "we're gonna die !" "we're dead !" "i knew it !" "[ hysterical crying ] please save us !" "oh, my god !" "oh, my god !" "[ screaming ] no !" "no !" "no !" "ah, gracie, come on !" "come on, honey !" "i promise i'll be a good guy." "i'll even give you the santa suit back." " i have to pee !" "help !" " here it is." "i'm taking off the goofy boot things." "let me in !" "are you okay ?" "[ gasps ] oh, please !" "put your clothes on, felix." "open this door now !" "[ philip ] we have an employee who desperately needs to get in." "[ all grunting ]" "let me in right now !" "oh !" "i'm in agony !" "what is wrong with you ?" "[ hysterical screaming, sobbing ] young lady, this restroom is property of lifesavers !" " you let me-- [ screaming ] - calm down. my god." "you don't have to get so excited." "please come home." "i'm never coming back !" "felix, would you please get dressed ?" "do you know these people ?" "yes. gracie, this is philip." "felix, philip." "hi." "yeah, we met." "we have ?" "yeah, when you crashed into the tree." "youcrashed into the tree." "yeah, so we met." "and this is mrs. munchnik." "[ urinating ] oh, hello." "[ continues urinating ] [ urinating continues ] well... you two had better make up before that baby comes." "well, i have two months to think about it, okay ?" "don't be ridiculous." " you're going to drop any day." " it does look large." "of course. it's mine." "i just got out of prison seven months ago." "and you're the only person who could be the father ?" "what ?" "excuse me ?" "is it true ?" "is what true ?" "what she said." "is it true ?" "i'm a slut now, felix ?" "who's the father ?" "hey, hey, hey, hey, no !" "this is what i'm talking about !" "wait a minute !" "this is a nonprofit organization !" "[ gracie, felix yelling ] there are laws against this !" "felix, you're a maniac !" "oh, gracie, look what you did." "he's bleeding !" "[ chuckles ] hello, evelyn ?" "yes, i'm finally out." "felix will need stitches." "we'll have to take him to the hospital." "who's gonna pay for it ?" "we can't even afford to have our baby in a hospital." "i know." "we'll take him to the vet." "dr. kinsky will help us." "[ munchnik ] yes, i'll be there in just a few minutes." "[ clears throats ] just a minute." "what is it ?" "you'll have to stay and cover the phones while we're out." "i'm going to have to stay and cover the phone-- they want me to stay longer." "is that incredible ?" "mrs. munchnik, you have driven this man into a frenzy." "it was like lighting dry leaves with a match !" "you have a responsibility." "they're making me feel guilty." "i will be at your house sometime before next christmas !" "but that's all i have to say." "thank you." "are you coming, gracie ?" "you're okay." "no way." "[ philip ] just relax, felix." "you'll like dr. kinsky." "he's not just a friend, he put my dog to sleep." "[ philip groaning ] [ liquid bubbling ] [ blowing bubbles ]" "[ bubbling continues ] if you go into labor or anything along those lines, just don't expect any help from me." "i am not a midwife." "i never expect help." "[ philip ] dr. kinsky's an expert on potbelly pigs." "you ought to get one, catherine." "you can house train them, and they can find fungi." "if they get in bed with you, they stick their nose under the covers and root." "i hate pigs." "how can you hate pigs ?" "they have those cute little, curly tails." "i hate their cute tails." "# hello, catherine * hello, louie." "i was just coming upstairs to see you." "i got a present for you." "something..." "* # personal * i'll be right back." "we're just taking this man to the vet." "is he rabid ?" "[ philip ] hardly." "he's simply a poor, unemployed person in a bad relationship." "that's what they said about old yeller." "[ giggles ] i'll see you later, louie." "# i'll be waiting *" "* [ humming "we wish you a merry christmas" ]" "[ sighs ] * [ continues humming ]" "can i use your scissors instead of these ones ?" "oh, yes." "* [ continues humming ] do you mind if i cut up your eviction notice ?" "that would be just fine." "[ sighs ] do you have any tape ?" "i think there's some in that drawer." "* [ continues humming ] wait a minute." "wait a minute !" "oh, my g-- oh, that philip !" "[ gasps ] how dare he not tell anyone !" "he is going to pay for this !" "he is going to pay for this or my name is not... blanche munchnik !" "* [ continues humming ] * [ cats mewing, dogs barking "we wish you a merry christmas" ]" "here, lie down." "[ rings bell ] dr. kinsky ?" "[ dog barking ] hello ?" "[ dogs barking ] i'll be right back." "is anyone here ?" "marshall ?" "dr. kinsky ?" "merry christmas." "what ?" "oh !" "hi, philip." "i can't talk." "i'm in a rush." "we got a problem." "you gotta help." "i can't." "i gotta go." "felix is bleeding like crazy." "he was hit in the head with a fruitcake." "how'd that happen ?" "lovers' quarrel." "philip, please, don't go anthropomorphic on me." "i'm up to my eyeballs in people that think that animals have feelings." " i don't think you understand." " come on, i'll help you." "i'll take care of it." "just do me a favor." "spare me the melodrama." "take felix out of his box, put him in here." "i'll be right back." "take felix out of his box." "hi, pepper, ginger, vinny, duke, scotty, billy." "[ all bark ] hi." "hi, hi." "i'm running late." "what is it now ?" "a cat with a concussion." "that's the way it's always going to be, isn't it ?" "the animals always come first !" "well, merry christmas !" "not that you even celebrate it !" "w-w-wait !" "wait !" "no, wait !" "hey !" "oh !" "[ dog barking ] a person named felix." "before there were cats named felix, there were people named felix." "you'll find, if you look that up, the opposite is true." "hi, pancho." "hi, little pancho." "you don't have to worry." "you don't have a dream." "all you want is food and love." "it's all i want." "i want to be a wall artist." "you can make people happy by chasing a stick." "i have to raise $5,000 or i'm going to hurt two people i care about." "i care about gracie." "i care about vanessa." "i care about catherine and mrs. munchnik." "what about susan ?" "susan's gone." "gracie's gone." "vanessa's gone." "give up women, pancho." " tomorrow he will." " ooh, that's gotta hurt." "oh, no. once he takes a couple of these, he won't know what hit him." "we never know what hits us, then one day we're talking in falsetto." "stay. let me ask you something." "how many pillows does susan have on her bed ?" "about 12." "see ?" "what is it with women and pillows ?" "how many do you need ?" "how many do you need ?" "two !" "one for you and one for her !" "yeah." "vanessa has all these pillows !" "she's got round ones." "she's got heart-shaped ones." "she's got-- she's got those pillows with the..." "stuff around the edges." " ruffles ?" " yeah." "so you want to go to bed, you gotta take all the pillows off !" "then in the morning, you gotta put them all back on !" "what is the point ?" "marshall !" "lifesavers is about to go under." "i don't care about pillows !" "[ clattering ] what's wrong with him ?" "oh, my god !" "come on. come on !" "get up !" "get up !" "felix !" "felix !" "felix !" "what happened ?" "he took an overdose of dog tranquilizers !" "oh, my gosh, felix !" "get him up !" "get outta the way !" "walk him around." "keep him moving !" "keep moving !" "how can you be friends with these people ?" "i beg your pardon, philip." "where did you find them ?" "i met gracie at an adult children of alcoholics meeting." "was your mother an alcoholic ?" "no." "was your father ?" "no." "i went because someone told me it was a good place to meet men." "of course, i didn't meet a man." "i met gracie, though, and she breaks my heart." "and because i care about her, i care about felix." "i'm not like you, philip." "i'm not one of those people who's only good on the phone." "that's not true." "i'm good in person." "in person, you blame everyone." "you did something wrong." "you gave out our address." "did i blame you ?" "no. i blamed the santa anas." "[ whimpering ] i don't even know what the santa anas are." " they're dry winds from the desert that blow-- - oh, shut up. [ gasps ] [ water sloshing ] don't just stand there." "call an ambulance." "that's something you'll be good at." "[ felix gasping ] i'm glad that we're not working together." "i'm glad this is our last week !" "felix, if gracie had any idea what you've done, she would be devastated." "[ phone ringing ] oh, that's probably felix." "well, i can assure you, if you think your husband is having an affair, he is !" "[ ringing continues ] he says, "i'm in my office, honey, eating chinese food."" "i don't care if he's dying." "i'm not gonna answer it." "[ ringing continues ] read his mail." "read it !" "that's the delightful way i found out that i'm about to be jobless." "you're kidding." "that's right." "[ ringing continues ] [ sighs ] fine." "hello ?" "[ obscene caller ] how can i do it to you, baby, if you hang up on me ?" "what ?" "who's this ?" "is this catherine ?" "no, this isn't catherine." "merry christmas to you too." "oh, you're new !" "who are you ?" "my name is gracie." "gracie, i want to write your name in cheese." "[ panting ] i want to bark like a dog !" "you are a disgusting, sleazy, perverted pig !" "excuse me !" "um, i'm sorry." "may i help you ?" "the person you were just speaking with has not taken... the lifesavers training program." "shut up, grandma !" "oh." "i'm not busting your cherry !" "oh, i'm... simply crushed." "here i've waited my whole life for you... and now you don't even want me." "do go on." "i believe you were discussing my cherry." "[ dial tone ] i am so good at this, and soon i will be left high and dry... with no outlet for my talent." "i have to pee." "have you ever been pregnant ?" "no, i have not." "listen, young lady, when you come out... do not answer the phone under any circumstances." "do not answer the door under any circumstances... because it could be the seaside strangler, and he'll take fishing twine and wrap it around your neck and your face will turn blue." "then your eyes will bulge out, and then he'll knock you down... and hike up your skirt and bang you !" "very funny !" "very funny, young lady !" "no one comes here." "this is an unlisted address." "[ doorbell buzzes ] hello ?" "hello, who is there ?" "[ gasps ] it's the seaside strangler." "whoever you are, you are not supposed to be here." "[ doorbell buzzes ] oh, who is it ?" "answer me !" "do you have something to hide ?" "did you do that ?" "[ electrical sparking ] did you turn out the lights or is it just this stupid building ?" "are you the seaside strangler ?" "listen, mr. seaside strangler, i am calling the police, i am getting the reward... and you will go to a maximum security prison where a very large, hairy man... is going to make you his girlfriend." "i am not your type." "i am short." "and my hair is short." "i am attractive." "i suppose i fit that part of the description." "but i am not young !" "i have never been young !" "although i do look-- would you knock it off ?" "what would the seaside strangler want with you ?" "just-- shh !" "no !" "you're having a fantasy." "oh, no, no !" "don't !" "don't !" "[ laughs ] what a sad and horrible christmas eve." "i had to take the bus." "i stubbed my toe on the boardwalk." "[ laughs, clears throat ]" " may i come in ?" " sure." "is she all right ?" "she's fine." "oh, what beautiful beads." "thanks." "could you do me a favor ?" "i'm gonna leave." "could you put her somewhere out of the way ?" "i'd be happy to." "# santa, baby # # just slip a sable under the tree # # for me # # been an awful good girl # # santa, baby # # so hurry down the chimney tonight # [ phone rings ]" "[ ringing continues, electrical sparking ] # santa, baby, i forgot to mention one little thing # [ crashing, yelling ] [ ringing continues ] # a ring # # i don't mean on the phone santa, baby # [ ringing continues ]" "# so hurry down the chimney tonight # [ ringing continues ] hello. lifesavers." "may i help you ?" "[ obscene caller ] may i speak to a woman ?" "may i please wish a woman merry christmas ?" "you are speaking to a woman." "[ dial tone ] [ sighs ] [ electrical sparking ] # santa, cutie and fill my stocking # # with a duplex and checks # # sign your "x" on the line santa, cutie # # so hurry down the chimney tonight #" "mrs. munchnik ?" "[ transvestite ] no." "# hurry * [ philip ] who are you ?" "i called earlier." "you gave me the address." "i remember." "i came right over." "have you seen a woman in a bad mood ?" "she's resting behind the couch." "you were very good on the phone." "on the phone." "i was good on the phone." "won't you sit down ?" "my voice puts you off, doesn't it ?" "not at all." "it doesn't suit me." "in that sense, i am exactly like kissinger." "henry kissinger ?" "haven't you noticed ?" "he has this odd, nasal voice and a pompous, fat body." "must upset the russians." "[ chuckles ] [ chuckles ] i met him once." "how fascinating." "[ electrical sparking ] not that he would remember me." "no one does." "i'm sure that's not true." "thank you." "you're very kind." "excuse me, i'm just going to... light these candles in case the, uh-- [ clears throat ] it was at one of those dance clubs." "you know the kind." "here today, gone tomorrow." "when you look, it's gone." "[ both chuckle ] [ sighs ] who was i with ?" "[ laughs ] i have no idea." "when you're confused, your past is a blur." "he wasn't dancing." "who ?" "henry kissinger." "ah." "i'm boring you, aren't i ?" "not in the least." "i bore everyone." "i'm sure that's not true." "i personally find you very entertaining and informative." "for example, i had no idea henry kissinger went to dance clubs." "perhaps you could come back some other time, say, after the new year, and we could continue our chat." "i wasn't dancing either." "[ sighs, chuckles ] i have two left feet, i believe is the expression." "ah. well, let me offer you one last piece of advice before you have to leave." " did you bring a coat ?" " just my cape." "ah." "have you ever heard of the greater orange county mambo contest of 1968 ?" "well, i was scared to enter it, and yet i did." "and i won first prize, dancing with my sister." "from that moment on, i have never worried for one second... about anyone's opinion, and neither should you." "you mean... you wouldn't hesitate to dance, even with me ?" "absolutely not." "do you have music ?" "[ gracie ] come on, catherine." "let's go to my place." "[ catherine ] now ?" "i have something for you." "[ gracie ] there were 14 kids in our family, so for christmas we each got... one pair of socks." "really ?" "plus, we never saw our mother." "divide 14 into 24 and what do you get ?" "two." "we each saw our mother two minutes a day." "you mean two hours a day." "no, i mean two minutes." "[ door bells ring ] [ sighs ] my mother's always there." "always." "sometimes i wish she were dead." "oh, i shouldn't say that." "i hope you don't think i'm a terrible person." "no." "suppose she dies now and it's all my fault ?" "close your eyes." "open 'em." "[ sighs ] i-is that me ?" "oh, my goodness." "oh, gracie." "you're so talented." "[ sighs ] i have spent my whole life trying to make something out of nothing." "don't take that personally, catherine." "but just once i'd like to have something to begin with." "christmas is such a powerful time, isn't it ?" "gracie, let's make a wish." "hold my hand and we'll make a christmas wish." "really." "i mean it." "i'll go first so you won't be embarrassed." "okay." "it's hard to do this because if you say your wish out loud... and it doesn't come true, it's so much worse." "but here we go." "i wish... there were someone i cared for who cared for me." "there. i said it. your turn." "i wish for my baby to have a better life." "love." "money." "[ sighs ] i should probably get back to the office." "wait a second." "let's get some chinese food on the way, okay ?" "okay." "*" "[ "what are you doing new year's eve" playing ] # my, my, my, my # # maybe it's much too early in the game # # oh, but i thought i'd ask you just the same #" "# what are you doing new year's # i don't think-- # new year's eve # # whoa # # i wonder whose arms # # will hold you good and tight # # when it's exactly 12:00 at night #" "# welcoming in the new year # # new year's eve # is it making you nervous to dance with me ?" "i'm not nervous at all." "# maybe i'm crazy # # to suppose # # i'd ever be # # the one you chose # # out of a thousand # # invitations # # you've received # dancing with you... makes me feel all fluffy," "like i was dancing on a cloud." "* [ continues ] in my work, i deal with all kinds of people." "none of them are what you might call conventional, and neither am i." "* # what are you doing new year's # # new year's eve # # shoo-bop, shoo-bop ooh #" "* you're a marvelous dancer." "thank you." "*" "* philip ?" "[ gasps ] [ gasps, turns off music ] this is shocking." "completely shocking." "i am suing you." "do you hear ?" "for what ?" "withholding information, psychic stress, stupidity... [ inhales deeply ] and obviously improper office behavior." "mrs. munchnik-- i am calling the los angelestimes." "i am calling the los angelestimes !" "they'll do a hatchet job." "they're going to do a puff piece on us !" "i may be temporarily jobless thanks to you." "but you will be jobless forever." "i will see to that !" "i was only trying to be kind. i thought i could figure out a way." "we only need $5,000 to tide us over." "that is practically your annual salary." "you are a failure." "i will see to it that you stay that way !" "mrs. munchnik, please." "i suppose catherine knew about this." "i suppose she was in cahoots." "that catherine." "she is the most devious woman i have ever met." "catherine is the kindest, most gentle creature on the face of the earth." "catherine wants to rip your clothes off, philip." "she does ?" "under that mousy exterior lies smoldering lust." "really ?" "catherine isn't speaking to me right now." "i'm not surprised." "before she wasn't speaking to me, she said she would pray for a miracle." "that is pathetic." "do not walk me to my car." "stay right there." "merry christmas." "merry christmas." "and say hello to your dead sister's husband for me." "my dead husband's sister, if you don't mind." "[ sighs ] [ engine chugs, stops ] [ engine chugs slowly, stops ] [ chugging slower, stops ]" "# new year's eve # # new year's # # eve # [ screams ] are you crazy ?" "are you insane ?" "* [ continues ] all i do all day is deal with nuts like you !" "* oh, my god !" "catherine was right." "in person, i'm a disaster !" "i am so sorry." "i really didn't mean it." "please." "no apology is necessary." "i understand completely." "[ sighs ] good-bye." "[ sighs ]" "when is the automobile club coming ?" "in a half hour." "oh. i used to be in the automobile club, but they found out i didn't have a car, so they kicked me out." "they're a little uptight over there." "catherine." "catherine, my goodness, what have you done to yourself ?" "you've lost your identity." "i have not." "i'm hungry." "i'm gonna die." "are you about to eat ?" "yes." "allow me to contribute a fruitcake." "be sure you serve it to that male colleague you so admire... who is upstairs at this moment dancing with a strumpet... while lifesavers goes up in smoke." "[ gracie ] catherine, our food's getting cold." "is it susan ?" "is susan with him ?" "[ laughs ] hardly." "catherine, you look cool." "thank you, louie." "i was wondering if i could sing my song for you now ?" "i'd like nothing more." "[ door opens ] [ sighs ]" "catherine, is that... you ?" "[ gracie ] oh, i'm gonna do you too, philip, because you and catherine do not go together anymore." "[ catherine ] philip and i have never gone together." "you weren't together, but you definitely matched." "come on, philip, get up." "what about me ?" "i want to match too." "listen, i'll get to you... in a second, okay ?" "what's he doing here ?" "# hello * i invited him." "don't you have someone here yourself ?" " i most certainly do not !" " [ scoffs ] someone left her cape." " someone lefthiscape." " really, philip." "[ departing footsteps ] [ sighs ] where is felix ?" "oh, right." "he's at the hospital." "# felix is in the hospital * [ p.a. system ] dr. blair. dr. blair." "dr. jay hamilton." "dr. jay hamilton." "60 by pal." "ten dopamine drip." "okay, as soon as we get into the unit." "okay. i'll get a 12-lead." "let's go !" "does he have any family ?" "[ muttering ]" "* [ ukulele strumming ] # to catherine # # i wonder whether your name # # starts with a "c" or a "k" # # i wonder whether you prefer # # almond joy to milky way #" "# i wonder whether you sleep # # to the left or to the right # # i wonder who you think would win #" "?" "# if me and philip got into a fight ?" "# oh, so many things for me to wonder # # so very pretty # # i wonder when elliot said good-bye to e.t. # # did you break down and cry # # i wonder if i gave you pudding, eggs and flour #" "# could you make a boston cream pie #" "?" "# i wonder if your eyes close ?" "?" "# when you come in for a kiss ?" "# i wonder if we had a baby # # would you object to having abris # # oh, so many things for me to wonder # # oh, i love grape jelly # # [ gasps ]" "that's it ?" "it's a work in progress." "it may never be finished." "oh, louie." "[ catherine continues clapping, sighs ] that was so sweet of you, louie." "if it's not too much to ask, would you mind passing the chow mein ?" "no one ever wrote a song for me before." "i can't believe it." "who ate all the water chestnuts ?" "i wrote it longhand." "where are the water chestnuts ?" "it took me eight months." "i had to quit my job." "presents that you make yourself are always the most special." "don't you think ?" "where did this fruitcake come from ?" "that weird lady gave it to us." "what ingratitude !" "i give her a gift from the bottom of my heart... and she abandons it as if it meant nothing !" "[ glass shattering ]" "[ whimpering ] oh !" "oh !" "oh." "[ gasping ] [ whimpering ] [ crying ] [ sobbing ] look, there's the dog hater." "mrs. munchnik ?" "what ?" "[ sniffs, sobs ] mrs. munchnik, what can i do you for ?" "[ sobbing ]" "[ sniffling ] what is it ?" "tell me." "what can i do you for ?" "[ sighs, inhales ] that's just what my dead husband always used to say." " what ?" " "what can i do ya for ?"" "[ sniffling continues ] well, um-- [ clears throat ] i'll, uh-- [ sighs ] [ inhales ] i'll tell you what you can "do me for," mr. lobel." "[ inhales ]" "] * [ men screaming, chattering * [ screaming continues ] # jingle bells, jingle bells # # jingle all the way # # jingle bells, jingle bells # on the beach !" "on the beach !" "# jingle all the way # # we want to wish you # [ munchnik laughing ] # a merry christmas # # we want to wish you # [ laughter continues ] oh, god !" "# a merry christmas # # we want to wish you # # a merry christmas # # we want to wish you # [ barking ] # a merry christmas * i don't care what she did to you." " it's dangerous to throw things out of windows." " i completely agree." "do you work here ?" "i mean, excuse me, but we are discussing office behavior." "since you don't work here and we do, at least for six more days, [ gasps ] you cannot participate." "[ phone ringing ] somebody's not in the holiday mood, i guess." "[ laughs, strums ] hello. lifesavers." "i'm listening." "is this kentucky fried chicken ?" "[ door slams shut ] the crazy person is back." "what do you want ?" "do you have any breasts ?" "i forgot my cape." "that's who you were dancing with ?" "she insults me too." "my god, if you don't have tits like dolly parton, no one wants you." "thanks for the memories !" "[ bangs into door ] merry christmas to all, hello. hello ?" "[ dial tone ] and to all a good night." "oh, my god !" "felix, what now ?" "[ barking ] gracie, come back to me, honey, please." "i can't live without you." "i love you." "[ gracie ] you know what ?" "we're in the middle of dinner right now, okay ?" "put that toy down instantly !" "[ felix ] toy ?" "you think this is a toy, huh ?" "[ gunshot ] [ women screaming ] felix !" "what are you doing ?" "this is not funny !" "you'll make him nervous." "all right, who wants to be first, huh ?" "who wants to be the hero ?" "felix isn't such a bad guy." "he just gets upset." "oh, right !" "because you're insane, that's why !" "wait 'til i get home with you !" "have you considered marriage counseling ?" "think about the baby !" "i love you !" "[ gunshot ] [ screams ] [ philip ] gracie, make an effort !" "compromise !" "[ catherine ] he loves you." "[ felix ] where're you going ?" "catherine, you're supposed to be protecting me !" "don't run away from me." "this person will protect me, won't you ?" "so you're going to shoot a pregnant woman ?" "no. i'm gonna shoot you." "hmm." "mr. santa, listen to me." "i'm sure this young woman has plenty of reason to hate you. we all do." "but that's no reason to shoot someone now, is it ?" "so, please... put the little pistol down." "no." "[ groans ] hey !" "hey !" "stop !" "stop !" "[ screaming ] [ screaming continues ] ow !" "ow !" "ow !" "he shot my foot !" "ow !" "ow !" "ow !" "felix, you are a maniac !" "everybody blames me for everything." "i can't look." "am i bleeding ?" "oh, my god, i'm going to bleed to death." "* [ strumming ] someone call my mother." "don't touch me !" "i forbid you to touch me !" "just call a doctor." "stop pointing that gun at me !" "stop !" "felix, we have to stop playing with guns now." "don't just take it." "you have to empty it." "[ gunshots ] gracie, for god sakes, what are you doing ?" "give me that !" "[ gracie ] i am emptying it !" "[ philip ] let go !" "i can't believe you would do that !" "i am sick of him !" "he is a nut case !" "[ yelling ] [ yelling ] i am protecting us from him !" "[ doorbell buzzing continuously ] [ buzzing continues ] [ buzzing continues ]" "[ buzzing continues ]" "yes ?" "[ doorbell stops buzzing ] it's stanley." "who's stanley ?" "[ catherine ] stanley tanenbaum, the landlord." "i called him to fix the elevator." "i completely forgot." " oh, the elevator's fixed." "[ transvestite ] what's going on ?" "is everyone dead ?" "not everyone." "[ neighbor ] hey, what's going on up there ?" "just a teeny, tiny accident." "just a weenie, woonie one." "[ neighbor ] well, keep it down." "this isn't the fourth of july." "i know. i'm sorry." "uh, it won't happen again." "[ panting ] we have to call the police." "uh, dial 9-1-1." "that's their number." "[ dialing ] [ line ringing ] they can't do anything." "he's dead !" "[ ringing continues ] [ gracie ] philip, i didn't mean to do it." "you're not going to turn me in, are you ?" "[ ringing continues ] you have reached the los angeles police." "please hold on. your call is very important to us." "* [ christmas ] oh, philip, is this the miracle ?" "the eviction will probably go through regardless." "this is not the miracle." "[ shivering ] [ transvestite ] what about me ?" " doesn't anyone care about me ?" " i'll take care of her." "i'm coming." "[ gasping ] catherine, are you okay ?" "i-i-i can't breathe." "i'm having trouble breathing." "i'm so cold." "[ shivering ] [ shivering continues ] catherine ?" "catherine." "catherine." "come on, come on." "i am so cold !" "it's all right. calm down." "here, here, put your arms around me." "come on. hold on tight." "everything's gonna be okay." "just calm down. up, easy." "over the dead body." "that's good." "yeah, i've got you." "i've got you." "just relax." "i've got you. come on." "come on. i've got you." "i've got you." "[ groaning ] oh, my god !" "[ groans ] boy, that's just a little scratch. it's nothing at all." "oh, my god !" "my foot is completely numb !" "i can tell it's going to be very painful soon !" "hmm. all right, i'll get you some aspirin." "thank you." "or better yet, i'll get you some tylenol with the codeine." "uh-uh, no." "no, no, no, no." "nuprin." "that's the good stuff." "i got it." "luden's cough drops." "that'll be for me though." "i got a scratchy throat." "hmm." "just lean here, all right ?" "no, just lock your knees." "[ sighs ] now i'm gonna run you a bath." "only this time, i'm gonna put in some water and it'll make you feel better." "[ catherine ] okay." "[ water running ] [ transvestite ] hello ?" "hello ?" "is anyone there ?" "[ whimpering ] i'm going to get gangrene." "would someone please bring me a bandage ?" "[ water running ] i'm not asking for the moon." "i'm just asking for a bandage." "[ water running ] all right. now, just sit here, okay ?" "okay ?" "are you all right ?" "okay." "[ transvestite ] hello ?" "where are you ?" "no, no, please, i'll, uh, i'll just get it myself." "[ screams, groans, grunting ] [ grunting continues ]" "[ groaning ] your bandage." "[ gracie ] philip !" "oh, my god !" "you broke my nose !" "[ gracie ] philip !" "what is it ?" "if you call the police, my baby's going to be born in a jail !" "your baby won't be born in jail." "my nose is my best feature !" "i'm sorry !" "i'm sorry !" "do you promise it won't be born in a jail ?" "[ raspy voice ] i promise !" "[ transvestite ] my face is ruined !" "[ catherine ] philip ?" "here's your bandage !" "[ groans ] hey, how's it going ?" "[ catherine ] philip, help me !" "do you want gracie to help you get undressed ?" "[ water running ] do you want me to help you get undressed ?" "[ sighs ]" "something's happening." "my heart is racing and i'm feeling all nervous and sick." "that's the way i've felt since the day i met you." "your sweater was buttoned funny that day." "one side stuck up higher than the other and poked up into your chin." "you remember that ?" "i'll never forget it." "[ groaning, whimpering ] what does it look like ?" "no, don't tell me." "i don't want to know." "it's just a little larger than usual." "hmm." "don't worry." "the swelling will go down." "it must be nice to have your best feature be so prominent." "my best feature's my hands." "that's why i play ukulele." "it gets your hands right out there, you know ?" "are you a professional ukulele player ?" "oh, no. i'm a writer." "what do you write ?" "t-shirts." "really ?" "i wrote, "save the dolphins."" "excuse me." "what do you mean you wrote it ?" "i wasn't the first person to say it. i was the first person to put it on a t-shirt." "oh." "did you do, "life is a beach" ?" "oh, i wish !" "i met the guy who wrote that at a party. he kind of snubbed me, you know ?" "we haven't been properly introduced." "my name's louie." "chris." "chris." "[ chuckles ] # ooh, chris # # i wonder whether your name starts with a "c" or a "k" # # i wonder if you have a skinny uncle harry or a fat aunt fay #" "# i wonder if you know how good you look in those panty hose ?" "?" "[ giggling ] # i wonder if you're happy that i didn't mention anything # # about the things coming out of your nose # [ snickering ]" "?" "[ laughing ] # oh, so many thing s for me to wonder ?" "* [ nonsensical singing ] * [ continues] * [ continues ] [ sighs ] we could cut him up into pieces... and wrap him up as christmas presents." "who would we give them to ?" "* [ continues ] [ gracie sighs ]" "[ doorbell buzzes ] [ whispers ] check the peephole !" "there is no peephole." " [ buzzing continues ] - oh, how convenient." "philip, it's susan." "what is it ?" "i need to see philip. i think i've made a terrible mistake." "he's taking a bath with catherine." "would you like to wait ?" "no." "good, 'cause there's enough going on here as it is." "if only we could disguise him as something." "# oh, christmas tree # # oh, christmas tree #" "#?" "# how lovely are thy branches ?" "catherine was, uh, very distressed, so naturally, i had to comfort her. ah." "[ catherine, philip clear throats ] [ gasps ] where's stanley ?" "where is he ?" "what did you do with it ?" "he's in the tree." "in the tree ?" "he is the tree." "[ sighs ] i wrapped him up in those potato sacks." "[ gracie sighs ] oh, my god." "they're burlap, which is really itchy unless you're dead." "me and felix took branches off the old tree and we just stuck 'em on." "[ catherine ] how ?" "[ felix ] super glue." "[ gracie ] it's the most amazing invention." "pull on one of those branches." "i'm telling you, you could chin yourself on this tree." "[ felix ] fortunately, the guy had a good posture." "i admire a man with good posture." "felix has lovely posture." "thank you, honey." "it's just as well we're going out of business !" "i am totally incompetent !" "i'm like job !" "philip, really !" "well, then, all right, i'm not like job !" "but look at me, pretending to save lives." "there's nothing in the refrigerator !" "i couldn't save a life if my life depended on it !" "[ sighs ] we have been here for six years, and what do we have to show for it ?" "a dead body." "a dead body disguised as a christmas tree." "[ philip ] thank you." "thank you for reminding me." "i got a plan." "felix always has a plan." "i am so proud of you, honey." "we take it downstairs." "we leave it on the boardwalk." " that's it ?" " yeah." "[ philip ] that is not really a plan, felix." "what's wrong with it ?" "a plan is supposed to have more than one part." "it's supposed to go like, "first we do this, and then we do this, and then we do this."" "i don't appreciate you talking to felix this way." "we're just trying to help you out here, philip." "yeah." "[ sighs ] you want a plan ?" "first we take it downstairs." "then we leave it on the boardwalk." "then we go home." "we just leave it standing like the city put it there." "nobody will notice." " and when the city takes it down ?" " we're outta there !" "what's going on ?" "[ chris ] something wrong ?" "[ philip ] nothing at all." "felix and gracie have turned the landlord into a christmas tree." "now we're going to take it down and leave it on the boardwalk !" "now that's a good plan." "we'll help you." "be careful now." "don't let the branches fall off." "what about stanley's bag ?" "[ felix ] we'll leave it under the tree and let somebody swipe it." "only some of us should go." "we don't want to attract attention." "i'm with you." "i'm going !" "okay, the two of us." "we want to go too." "yeah, we made it." "okay, four." "i'd like to go." "i promise not to attract any attention." "six, but that's it." "we should try to act jolly." "i'll sing." "?" "# deck the halls with boughs of holly ?" "[ all ] # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la #" "?" "# 'tis the season to be jolly ?" "# fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # # don we now our gay apparel # # fa-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la # # troll the ancient yuletide carol # # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # # hey # [ louie softly ] # if you get all weird this christmas #" "# scooby-dooby-doo pop-pop-fizz-fizz # # we could really use your business # # scooby-dooby-doo let's eat cheeze whiz # [ munchnik ] i'll be there." "# sit in a garage and turn on the ignition * [ laughing ] [ munchnik ] philip !" "catherine !" "merry christmas." "are you dismantling the office already ?" "where are you going with our tree ?" " it's not our tree." "really, it's not." " it is, too, our tree." "i recognize the red cellophane thingy." "[ whimpering, barking ] the dogs." "keep those mutts away." "shoo !" "may i ?" "by all means, blanche." "here, doggies." "here, doggies." "there's a good girl." "come to mommy." "yeah, what a good girl." "they definitely did it." "[ gasps ] # deck the halls with boughs of holly # # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la #" "?" "# deck the halls with balls of holly # # 'tis the season to be jolly ?" "# fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # # don we now our gay apparel #" "?" "# 'tis the season to be jolly # # fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la ?" "?" "# fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # # fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ?" "# don we now our gay apparel # # see the blazing yule before us # # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # [ dogs howling ] # la-la-la, oh, the ancient # # fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la # # follow me in merry measure #" "# fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la while i tell of yuletide treasure # # fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ?" "#?" "oh, my god !" "it's the rollerbladers !" " it's them !" "oh, no, they're back !" " it's the tree haters !" "[ felix ] let's get them !" " your tree is history !" "payback time !" " watch out !" " other way, other way, other way !" " you ruined our christmas !" " no !" "don't !" "[ munchnik ] look out !" " merry christmas from doug and carol ferguson !" "[ yells ]" "[ thud ] # oh, tannenbaum # # oh, tannenbaum, oh # # how lovely are # # are thy branches * [ siren fades ] [ indistinct radio transmission ] we've got one dead body at 517 ocean park walk." "request for the coroner and homicide unit to respond." "[ indistinct radio dispatcher ] okay, what happened ?" "[ dispatcher continues ] who is this ?" "[ crowd chattering ] [ officer ] come on." "who knows what happened ?" "i do." "our landlord, stanley tanenbaum, has committed suicide out of guilt over his condominium conversion." "and these two people, these two incompetent people, but never mind, were so tormented that they could not prevent a suicide, that they tried to hide it from the world." "actually, uh, that's not what happened." "obviously." "what happened was... it was christmas eve, and felix... just happened to drop by... with his gun." "[ officer ] who is felix ?" "all right, i'm felix." "i did it." "okay, felix, spread your legs, put your hands behind your back." "let's go." "just because he's an ex-con, you blame it on felix." "well, officer, here's your big murder weapon." "don't, gracie !" "no, no, gracie, you can't !" "i did it !" "felix !" "stop !" "[ crowd clamoring ]" "santa !" "mommy, it's santa !" "felix, what are you doing ?" "[ felix ] i can't live without you, gracie !" "[ siren wailing ] if you go to jail, i might as well be dead !" "no !" "[ gasps ] [ officer ] everybody move back !" "move back immediately !" "we have a very dangerous condition !" "felix, it was an accident !" "they're not gonna convict me." "now come down !" "well, what if they do ?" "i can't take a chance on the criminal justice system !" "i went to jail for nothing !" "they could do it to you !" "no !" "no, stop !" "philip, you've got to do something !" "you've got to save him !" "felix, i just want you to know, i forgive you for shooting me in the foot." "[ felix ] i don't care !" "okay." " [ grunting ] - felix, stop !" "listen to me !" "[ gasping ] don't you want to spend christmas with your baby ?" "don't you want to see him open his first present ?" "what was your first present, felix ?" " hubcaps." " huh." "now i can't even afford hubcaps !" "felix, you know something ?" "you're not upset because you're broke." "[ felix ] i'm not ?" "no." "you're not upset because you're an artist who may never... have any place to paint as long as you live." "i'm not ?" "[ philip ] no." "and you're not upset because the woman you love... may go to jail for a very long time." " i'm not ?" " no." "you're upset because it's christmas." "christmas is a time when you look at your life through a magnifying glass, and whatever you don't have feels overwhelming." "being alone is so much lonelier at christmas." "everything sad is so much sadder at christmas." "you can't give in to this, felix !" "i thought today was going to be the worst day of my life, but, then, something wonderful and unexpected happened !" "first, something horrible and unexpected happened." "actually, three horrible and unexpected things happened, but then something wonderful." "the holidays aren't over yet, felix." "they're not over for you, and they're not over for gracie." "who knows ?" "who knows ?" "there's magic at christmas." "and i'll bet, if you come down, you'll find that out." "[ sniffling ] i love you, felix !" "i love you so much, gracie !" "come on down, felix." "it's almost midnight." "[ crowd applauding, cheering ] [ laughing ] [ applauding, cheering continue ] bravo !" "[ laughing ]" "[ approaching footsteps ] we'll have a van here in a few minutes." "we'll take you all down to the station for questioning." "this bag belongs to stanley." "[ indistinct radio transmission ] brian." "what have you got here, rizzo ?" "whoa !" "fp-242, notify watch commander, please." "where'd you get this ?" "take a guess." "gracie barzini ?" "yes. i'm ready." "you can take me away now." "congratulations." "you have killed the seaside strangler." "what ?" "fishing twine and kelp." "oh, my god !" "you're kidding me !" " stanley's the strangler ?" " i killed the seaside strangler !" "how brilliant is that, catherine ?" "isn't there a reward ?" "there's a $250,000 reward." "oh, my god !" "[ all screaming, laughing ] merry christmas !" "[ grunts ] i'm the luckiest girl in the world !" "philip, i could pay for your moving expenses." "how much do you need ?" "only $5,000 !" "$5,000 ?" "oh, fine !" "[ screaming ] oh, i'm so happy !" "this is great !" "we're back in business !" "thank you !" "thank you !" "what can i give you ?" "how can i possibly thank you ?" "i know." "fruitcake." "i'm rich !" "i'm rich !" "i'm rich !" "[ screaming ] rich girl !" "oh, no !" "oh, my goodness !" "what is it ?" "what's the matter, honey ?" "what ?" "my water just broke !" "you're just going into labor." "we have plenty of time." "no, i'm having it !" "[ catherine ] are you sure ?" "[ gracie ] yes, i'm sure !" " philip ?" " dr. kinsky'll help us !" " what ?" " [ all ] she's having a baby !" "uh... uh, bring her over by the tree !" "ouch !" "[ kinsky ] by the tree." "officer, could you please help ?" "i'll take her !" "here, here. wait a minute !" "lift up my leg, you moron !" "out of the way !" "out of the way !" "we're having a baby !" "woman with a baby !" "get out of the way !" "all right, put her down right here." "right here. here." "right here." "[ screaming ] [ kinsky ] okay, okay, you're doing great." "[ breathing hard ] i'm having it !" "i know, i know. just relax." "everything's gonna be fine." "it's gonna come out, right ?" "no, no, no." "it's gonna come out." "you're doing great." "you're in good hands." "i've done this hundreds and hundreds of times." "[ lamaze breathing ] aren't you a veterinarian ?" "yes, but it's the same basic concept." "[ screaming ] okay, relax and breathe." "i'm not relaxed !" "then just be anxious and breathe." "breathe deep !" "that's it. okay." "it's starting to come !" "it's starting to come !" "okay, more breathing." "you're telling me !" "all right, here we go !" "all right, here we-- [ blowing hard ] another contraction, and then give me another big push !" "[ groaning ] there we go !" "look, i can see-- would you shut up ?" "just trying to help." "all right, you give me another big push." "[ gracie, felix screaming ] the head is starting to come." "it's starting to come." "breathe a little deeper." "oh, my god !" "no !" "[ baby crying ] [ crying continues ] [ cooing ] [ sniffles ] yeah." "[ chuckles ] * [ organ playing "silent night" ]" "it's christmas." "* [ continues ] merry christmas." "[ crowd ] merry christmas." "merry christmas." "[ giggles ]" "what shall we do for christmas ?" "i don't know." "what shall we do ?" "let's get married." "this is the miracle." "[ bell ringing ] [ felix ] merry christmas !" "merry christmas !" "[ ringing ] merry christmas !" "# children carry through the streets # # a brightly painted star # # angels gather 'round the hearth # # strumming on guitars # # men of great renown and faith # # say prayers on boulevards # # it's the night before christmas #" "# but you don't have to be an angel # # to sing harmony # # and you don't have to be a child # # to love the mystery # # and you don't have to be a wise man #" "# on bended knee #" "?" "# the heart of this christmas ?" "# is in you and me # # the night # # before christmas # # ooh-ooh # # the night before christmas # # if your heart's been longing # # and you've been afraid to try #" "# if sorrow's kept you company # # and the dance has passed you by # # i'll lift you up and blaze with you # # across the moonlit sky # # on the night before christmas #" "# because you don't have to be an angel # # to sing harmony # # and you don't have to be a child #" "?" "# to love the mystery # # mystery ?" "# and you don't have to be a wise man # # on bended knee #" "?" "# the heart of this christmas ?" "# is in you and me #" "?" "# the heart of this christmas ?" "# is in you #" "?" "# and me # # ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ?" "# ooh-ooh-ooh ?" "?" "# the night # # before christmas # # before christmas # # the night # # before christmas # # the night # # the night before christmas # # before christmas # # and all through the house #" "# not a creature was stirring # # the night # # not even a mouse # # before christmas * closed-captioned by captions, inc. los angeles # christmas eve i'm waitin' # # st. nick i ain't fading' #" "# this year no slackin' # # your case i'm crackin' # # them milk and cookies ain't caught you yet # # got a little something specia by the tv set # # good news hey, santa #" "# cashews and pecans # # hooray, hosanna # # santa can't resist those mixed nuts # # chick-peas, split peas chestnuts, chinese # # pine nuts, peanuts and pistachios # # no nog, no turkey #" "# just beer nuts and beef jerky # # tastes good so salty # # with something cold and malty # # all the fellas at work say i'm out of my mind # # but if i stay awake i'm gonna get you this time #" "# good news hey, santa # # cashews and pecans # # hooray, hosanna # # santa can't resist those mixed nuts # # acorns, almonds barcelona amazons # # black carpathians giant macadamia # # i wake up kind of dimly #" "# see a boot scootin' up the chimney # # jump up and try to pull it # # disappears faster than a bullet # # six empty jars laying' on the floor # # next christmas eve there'll be ten times more #" "# good news hey, santa # # cashews and pecans # # hooray, hosanna # # santa can't resist those mixed nuts # # good news hey, santa # # cashews and pecans # # hooray, hosanna #" "# santa can't resist those nuts *" "the end"