"What took you so long?" "Do you know what time it is?" "Yes, well, 99's mother called us just before we left earth." "Well, this is probably the last time we'll be able to have these secret meetings on the moon anyway." "Now that the astronauts have landed successfully, there will probably be a lot more of them coming." "Well, we really shouldn't complain, Chief." "We've had it for four years." "Well, let's get down to business." "Now here's your assignment" "KAOS has kidnapped Professor Finneus Pheasant." " Who's he, Chief?" " Probably the most important nuclear scientist in the world, 99." "Now according to our information, they're holding Pheasant prisoner in the basement of KAOS headquarters in New Jersey." " Where?" " New Jersey." "I didn't get that, Chief." " Oh, New Jersey." " Go on, Chief." "KAOS is going to put Professor Pheasant through a series of brainwashings so they can find out everything that he knows." "Now your assignment is to get him out of there before he cracks and starts talking." "Do you have a layout of the house?" "Yes, I've got one right here." "Now this is KAOS's summer headquarters." "You'd better start back immediately." "It's going to take you a good six days to get back to KAOS headquarters in New Jersey." "But, Chief, it only takes three days to get back to Earth." "I know that, 99, but once you find the car and get it out of the parking lot at the airport, and with the traffic into town, believe me, it'll be another three days." "He's right, 99." "Come on, let's go." "Chief, can we give you a lift?" "No, thanks." "I'm not going that way." "Max, look!" "Professor Pheasant." "Well, what's he doing in a telephone booth reading a book?" "That's not a telephone booth, Max," "That's a glass cell." "Of course." "They've got Pheasant under glass." "Come on, 99." "( tapping )" "Professor, we've come to take you out of here." " ( silent ) - ( loudly ) I said, we've come to break you out of here." " Max, be quiet." " ( silent )" "He can't hear us, Max." "We've got to think of some other way to communicate with him." "Wait a minute, 99." "I'll call him on my shoe phone." "Max, look." "KAOS has taken away his shoes." " They've thought of everything." " Not quite, 99." "( dials )" "( ringing ) 99:" "How clever-- a sock phone!" " Hello." " Hello, Professor." "This is Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 of CONTROL." " Yes, Mr. Smart." " Are you all right, Professor?" "Not bad, considering the brainwashing they put me through every day." "But I didn't tell them anything about my new secret formula." "Good, Professor." "We'll have you out of here in no time." "I hope it's soon, Mr. Smart." "I think I'm going to faint." "Oh, you're weak from all that brainwashing." "No, from this phone call." "I've had these socks on for five days." "Well, look, Professor, we'll have you out of here in a jiffy." "Now here's what I want you to do:" "I want you to get down on the floor of the cell so you won't be hit by any flying glass." "Oh, you'll never be able to break this glass, Mr. Smart." "It's absolutely indestructible." "Not with what I've got in this satchel." "Well, 99, we're going to have to try the silent machine-gun." " Okay, are you ready, 99?" " Ready, Max." "Max, it didn't even crack the glass." "99, I'm afraid I'm going to have to use the laser gun." "Right, Max." "Max, that didn't work either." "We're never going to get the professor out of the booth." "Wait a minute, 99." "There's one thing we haven't tried yet." "What's that?" "I don't care what the CONTROL lab comes up with in new weapons, nothing can beat this." "This always works." "( glass shatters )" "Max, you broke the basement window." "I told you it always works, 99." "Man:" "Check on the basement." "Come on, 99-- the window." "Max, the gates are locked." "Come on, 99-- the wall." "We've got to climb over that wall, 99." "I'll get up on top and then I'll help you up." "Come on." "Max, I don't think I'm going to do that." "What are you talking about, you're not going to do that?" "There are KAOS agents all over the grounds." "They're liable to find us any minute." "Come on." "Max, I just don't think that's a very good thing for me to do." "99, will you please stop arguing with me?" "Come on." "Max, I didn't want to say anything about this before, but I went to see a doctor today." "99, you're not sick, are you?" "Oh no, Max." "In fact, the doctor says" "I've never been in better physical condition." "Good." "Let's get over that wall." "I'm going to have a baby, Max." "A baby?" "( theme music playing )" "I think we've lost them, Max." " You can slow down now." " I'm gonna teach that kid how to play football and baseball and basketball and maybe golf." "Just don't teach him how to drive, Max." "Please slow down." "We've only got one minute to make that phone booth at 4th and Fulton." "You're so excited about becoming a father, Max." "( gasps ) Maybe you'd better let me drive." "Too late, 99." "There's the phone booth." "Are you all right, 99?" "I'm fine, Max, but you've knocked over the phone booth." "Now how are we gonna get that important call?" " ( ringing )" " Max, the phone's still working!" "( continues ringing )" "Hello, Maxwell Smart here." "Max, here are your follow-up instructions." "You're to take Professor Pheasant and proceed immediately to Pier 14, where you'll board a Coast Guard cutter to Hawaii." "You're to remain in Hawaii for five days until you receive further instructions." "Have you got that, Max?" " Not all of it, Chief." " What didn't you get?" " Professor Pheasant." " You didn't get Professor Pheasant?" " Max, do you know what this means?" " I'm not going to Hawaii?" "Hold on a minute, Chief." " Yes, what is it?" " Are you gonna be long?" " No, I'll be through in a minute." " Well, then I'll wait." "Well, Chief, now that I've given you the bad news, are you ready for some good news?" "Well, I could certainly use some." "99 is going to have a baby." "What?" "Max, you and 99?" " Why, that's marvelous." " I'm gonna have my son follow right in my footsteps." "Just think, Chief, in a little while you'll have another Maxwell Smart on your hands." " I couldn't help it, Chief." " And to make matters worse, you get yourself involved in an accident." "You knocked over the telephone booth." "You attracted a crowd-- the police, the reporters, the fire department." "Don't forget the phone company, Chief." "I don't care about the phone company." "That's your problem." "The important thing is to get back to the problem at hand-- how to get Professor Pheasant out of that glass cell." "Forget about that." "I'm telling you that there is absolutely no way in this world that you can break that glass cell." " No way." " I'm not so sure, Max." " Larrabee, come in here." " Larrabee:" "Yes, sir." "Chief, I told you-- we tried machine guns, we tried hand gren" "Has that sample come back from the CONTROL lab yet?" " It's in there on my desk, Chief." " Bring it in." "I'll need somebody to help me." "That desk is pretty heavy." "I'll help you, Larrabee." "I don't want anybody to bring in the desk." "Just bring in the sample." "Oh, then I don't need any help, Chief." "Chief, I tell you, we used the laser gun." "We even used a brick, Chief." "Max, will you be quiet and just listen to me for a moment?" "We think that Professor Pheasant's glass cell has been constructed of some new kind of nuclearized glass." "Now our scientists have been working day and night in the CONTROL lab to try to duplicate it." "We think they've succeeded." "I won't need you anymore, Larrabee." "You can go now." "Now, Max, I want you to watch that cubicle very closely." "( woman vocalizing )" "Keep your eye on the cubicle, Max." "( sings high note )" " Any questions?" " Yeah, what's on the flip side?" "Never mind what's on the flip side." "The point is that that voice shattered the unbreakable glass." "But how?" "By hitting a note so high and so powerful that it broke down the components of the nuclear glass." "Why, that's fantastic, Chief." "Who is this guy?" "It's not a guy, Max." "It's Rosa La Costa." " CONTROL's singing agent?" " That's right." "Wait a minute, Chief." "If she's gonna go in and sing that note to break that glass, we've gotta get her into KAOS headquarters." "That's already been taken care of, Max." "Belasco, like all KAOS agents, is an opera lover." "He also happens to be a fan of Rosa La Costa." "Now we've arranged for Rosa La Costa to give a concert at KAOS's secret headquarters tomorrow night." "Oh, that's great, Chief." "As soon as she hits the note that breaks the glass, we move in." "You and me, huh, Chief?" "No, me and Larrabee." "You're going to be Rosa La Costa's accompanist." " I am?" " Yes." "She's going to sing "Chopsticks"?" "No, she's not going to sing "Chopsticks."" "If I'm gonna be her accompanist, she's gonna sing "Chopsticks,"" "because that's the only thing I know how to play." "Max, you're not actually going to be playing the piano." "You'll only be pretending to play the piano." "You've got me confused." "I don't even know what you're talking about." "Max, these cartridges contain" "Rosa La Costa's entire repertoire." "What am I supposed to do with them?" "You'll be using CONTROL's new computer piano for the recital." "Now all you do is slip these cartridges into the chamber, then pretend to be striking the notes on the piano as they're being played." "Well, that'll take a little practice." "That'll take a lot of practice, Max." "( classical piano playing )" "( woman vocalizing )" "( final chord plays )" "Mr. Smart, we have been practicing 10 or 12 hours, and you have been dropping things and picking them up and dropping them again." "During all that time, I don't think you have spent 10 minutes at the keyboard." "Well, I've been busy." "Let's continue." "After this aria, there will be 30 to 50 seconds of thunderous applause, after which I will say to the audience," ""Ladies and gentlemen, may I have a small but well-deserved round of applause for my accompanist?"" "That's when you stand up and take your bow." "Oh, I'm good at that." "( piano chords play )" "( phone rings )" "Hi there." "Oh, hello, Chief." "Chief:" "Max, you've really done it this time." "I wanna see you down here at the office immediately!" "Why, Chief?" "What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "I'll tell you what's wrong." "Look at the morning paper." "Oh, it's a picture of me next to that phone booth I knocked down yesterday." "Now read the caption." ""Secret agent not so secret."" "Max, you didn't tell me that a photographer took your picture." "Yes, well, you see, Chief," "I was so excited that I guess I didn't realize he was taking my picture." "You were so excited that when he asked you who you were, you told him you were a secret CONTROL agent." "Well, you know, Chief, I'm gonna become a father, and I guess I got a little confused and upset." "You can understand that." "I can understand it, Max, but I can't accept it." "You've blown your cover as a secret agent." "I don't know what you're gonna do, Max." " Larrabee." " Larrabee:" "Yes, Chief." "Come in here and bring the files on all CONTROL agents who are also musicians." "Well, at least let me complete the Pheasant case." " Here you are, Chief." " Thank you, Larrabee." "That was a terrific picture of you in this morning's newspaper, Max." "Oh, thank you, Larrabee." "This file is empty." "What about Holloway, Marco, Curtis?" " They're all musicians." "Where are they?" " They're in Vegas." "Then they open in Chicago for two weeks, and then they play Detroit, Pittsburgh." " Are they on an assignment?" " You can call it an assignment." " They call it a gig." " Thanks anyway, Larrabee." "Max, you put me in a terrible position, getting your picture in the paper." "There's nobody to take your place." "Wait a minute, Chief." "If my face is so well-known, supposing I had it changed." "Max, the recital is tomorrow night." "You know how long plastic surgery takes." " Not if I go to Proctor." " Who's Proctor?" " Hector Proctor." " Who's Hector Proctor?" "A doctor." "Dr. Hector Proctor." "Amazing." " Absolutely amazing." " What is?" "The fact you waited this long to change it." "This may be a work of art, Mr. Smart." "It may very well be my "Mona Lisa."" "If you don't mind, Doctor, I prefer someone a little more masculine." "Close your eyes, Mr. Smart." "( hissing )" "Now let's take a look at your new face." "It's an amazing technique, Max, but the face is all wrong." "But, Chief, Dr. Proctor himself said this a perfect face for a secret agent." "Well, that's just the point." "His face is even more well-known that yours." " Whose?" " Martin Landau." "Never heard of him." "I usually wait 48 hours for the old face to return before spraying on a new one." "I've never sprayed a new face on a new face before, so there's no telling what we may get." " ( buzzer )" " Yes, Larrabee." "Larrabee:" "There's someone out here who claims to be Maxwell Smart." "Well, is it or isn't it?" "It sounds like him, but it sure doesn't look like him." "Good." "Send him in." "Well?" "Max, everybody knows that Rosa La Costa's accompanist is a man." "You look just like a woman-- the dress, the hair." "How about the face?" "All right, let's see what you look like now." "Splendid." "Here, see for yourself." "Hey, that's terrific, Doctor." "I don't look like anybody I've ever seen before, including myself." "The eyes are a little different" " and the nose is diff" " Be careful, Mr. Smart." "Those features won't be fully dry for another 15 minutes." "Oh, and then they'll stay that way for 48 hours?" "Yes, provided you avoid exposure to extreme heat." "Well, what'll happen if I do that?" "Nothing dangerous." "Your face will fall off." "I can just see myself at that recital tomorrow night." "You may begin the concert, Mr. Belasco, as soon as my accompanist is here." "He's here." "Any luck with the professor?" "One more brainwashing session and he'll be ready to reveal the formula." "Excellent." "We'll do it tonight after everyone has left." "Hors d'oeuvres?" "Oh, hi, 99." "How do you feel?" "I'm absolutely exhausted, Max." "Do you know this is the fourth tray of hors d'oeuvres" " I brought out of the kitchen?" " The guests are eating that much?" "No, I am." "I'm absolutely famished all the time." "Have you checked everything out?" "Right, Max." "The professor's still in his cell in the basement, and the computer piano was delivered a couple of hours ago." "All right, now here's what I want you to do." "Over your left shoulder-- don't look-- there's a door leading to the cellar." "Now when Madame La Costa hits that high note," "I want you to make for that door, get down those stairs." " I'll be right behind you." " Right, Max." "Wait a minute, please." " Thank you." "That'll be enough." " Oh, no, wait." "I think you'd better get over by the door, 99." "Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your undivided attention, we will start the recital." "As you all know, we are to be honored this evening" "( squeaking )" "As I was saying, tonight we will be honored by the presence of the music world's greatest and most celebrated talent" "Have you quite finished?" "( notes play )" "And now without further ado," "I am privileged to introduce our distinguished guest" "Madame Rosa La Costa!" "( classical piano playing )" "( singing in Italian )" "( cracks )" "( singing high note )" "Proctor:" "Careful, Mr. Smart." "Avoid exposure to extreme heat." " Max:" "And what if I don't?" " Your face will fall off." "The piano player." "There's something wrong with his face." "That's the worst nose job I've ever seen." "There's something strange going on around here." "( vocalizing )" "( sings high note )" " That's Maxwell Smart!" " Hurry!" "Come along!" " 99, look." " The glass didn't break!" " ( lock jiggling )" " Man:" "It's locked." "Max, what are we gonna do?" "I promised CONTROL I would break that glass, and I'm going to break it one way or another." "Step aside." " Good work, Madame La Costa!" " ( gunshots )" "Come on, 99, we've gotta get the professor out of here." " How, Max?" " Through the window." "That won't be necessary." "We've taken Kadinsky and Belasco into custody." "Oh, good work, Chief." "Max, how much did you pay for my ring?" "I don't know, 99." "What difference does it make?" "Why do you ask me a question like that at a time like this?" "Because of something that happened when Madame La Costa hit the high note, and all the glass was breaking." "What has that got to do with your diamond ring?" "Diamond, Max?" "( theme music playing )"