"♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "♪ And I'm so hot" "♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪" "'Don't look at Dobby." "'Don't even think about Dobby." "'If I don't look at Dobby, I can't be in love with her." "'Just focus on the game." "'Beat Mark's nephew." "Lovely, calming beating.'" "'Tilt and squeeze." "Don't be a hero.'" "Mark, you do realise you've been opening that for almost 15 minutes?" "Just because I'm very carefully easing open the cava doesn't mean I'm not celebrating." "It's not how Formula One drivers do it, is it?" "If those drivers bought the champagne themselves and were responsible for cleaning up the podium afterwards," "I suspect this is very much how they'd do it." "'Anyway, I've only been promoted to travelling salesman," "'I haven't won the Japanese Grand Prix, 'although that's probably a damn sight easier than getting Dobby to move in here.'" "Er, are you OK?" "Shit." "That was a bad one." "I think it's the damp in your wall." "Uh-huh." "Nothing to do with the bongs you and Jeremy are always smoking?" "What are you, the cannabis police?" "Well, no, that would come under the remit of the actual police." "Seriously, I don't think I can move in till you get the damp sorted out." "Now I don't need to get out of playing hockey, asthma attacks are really no use to me." "Of course." "Of course, I understand completely." "'Could she be faking asthma to avoid moving in with me?" "'There's only one way to find out, 'aside from a series of rigorous medical tests.'" "Tell you what, I'll call the freehold committee, ask them to pay for the repairs." "Oh, contacting a committee for me!" "That's so romantic." "I'd e-mail a thousand councils and petition a million quangos for you, Dobby." "That's probably the plot of the next Twilight film." "And once the damp patch is sorted, it's, "Bonjour, chez Dobby."" "Has Jeremy found a place, then?" "Er..." "Well, he will do." "Very soon." "He's started clearing out his stuff tonight, actually." "He's playing Street Fighter II with your nephew." "Well, he was clearing it out, until he found that thing." "But he really means it this time." "He's already thrown out his collection of limited-edition Tango cans." "'And from the way he cried over every can, 'shifting him is going to be fucking murder.'" " Would you care to...?" " Where's Dobby?" "Gone." "'Thank God." "As you were, eyes." "You can look away from the TV again.'" " What's this for?" " To toast my promotion." "Say hello to the new travelling sales rep for Baths, Bathrooms  Fittings!" "How can you be a travelling sales rep?" "You can't drive." "You can get places without cars, you know." "This nation was made great by its network of railway and canals." "Oh, I see, you're going to go by barge." "That's a good idea." "Well, no, it'll mostly be buses and trains." "I'll be fine." "They've given me a sat nav." "And to Dobby moving in this weekend." "This weekend?" "The wheels are in motion, the lorry of fate is... driving into you, Jez." "I'm sorry." "So this is... an ultimatum." "Of course not!" "It's much more friendly than that." "If anything, it's an ulti-matey." "Hi, Jeremy." "Oh, hi." "What's up?" "Have you been crying?" "It's not my fault, is it?" "Nick and I broke up." "'OK, I have no idea who Nick is.'" "Oh, shit." "Come here." "'You feel bad, so I feel you." "Classic.'" "I decided it was time to tell him I had a son cos he was saying he likes his niece - he's got a niece - and then he just went all quiet and said really calmly," ""Well, Sarah, I'm afraid in that case I'm out,"" "like he was fucking Duncan Bannatyne." "Tch!" "Do you want some cava?" "Yes, please, Jeremy." "Thanks for being so sweet." "'Of course," "'Mark's sister." "She's got nice, sad eyes 'and is all vulnerable and huggy." "'Forget Dobby." "Dobby's gone." "'Sarah's here now." "'I mean, I shouldn't just take the first thing that comes along, unless... 'maybe it's fate." "Good old fate." "'It does the hard work so you don't have to." "'Or am I thinking of Flash?" "'" "Very damp." "Yes, it's sodden." "Sodden." "It just means "very damp"." "Yes." "Well, I'll need to show the committee as soon as possible." "Er, sorry, one second, Ben." "What is it?" "Great news, Mark." "I've found a new place to live." "Oh!" "Fantastic." "That's so quick." "How did you manage to find somewhere so..." "Oh, right." "So, is this table going, then?" "Er, no, that's Mark's as well." "Right." "So, what actually is yours, then?" "It's not just these bags of clothes, the case of porn and the MiniDisc player, is it?" "Oh, no, I mean, there's more." "There'd better be." "I blagged a lorry, mate." "So, where are all your MiniDiscs?" "Well, I put all my vinyl on MiniDisc in the Noughties and then... threw away the MiniDiscs in the Teenies." "'How can that be all my stuff?" "Why is everything Mark's?" "'" "Jez, mate, what else is there?" "These chairs are mine." "'Fuck you, Mark." "If you're going to hump Dobby, I'm going to hump your chairs.'" "'This is appalling." "Three trains, four buses 'and a cab, anywhere between two and five hours, depending on waiting times." "'How is it this complicated to go to an industrial estate 'in Lutterworth?" "I feel like I'm trying to get to fucking Mordor.'" "'In 100 yards, turn left.'" "Oh, God, no." "Shut up!" "'Turn left.'" "'Turn around where possible.'" "I don't know how to turn it down!" "'Make a U-turn." "Make a U-turn.'" "And I'm here, the Emerald City, only 24 minutes late." "Mark Corrigan?" "Er, yes." "Er, hi." "Alan McGurnagee." "So, I said to your guys" "I'm not looking for new models at the moment, but they said they'd send you just in case, so... what is it you've got?" "Er..." "Right." "Yes." "That towel rail is particularly sturdy." "Not for me, thanks, Mark." "Cheers for coming." "Hope the drive wasn't too bad." "'Three trains, four buses and a big "fuck you".'" "T-shirt on a coat hanger." "I am living the dream." "Jeremy?" "Hey, honey, you're home!" "'This is so great." "She'll probably want sex right now." "'That'll be how I'm paying rent." "I'm an actual rent boy." "'Why didn't I do this before?" "Listen, I've got a bit of work to do, so can you make dinner - not pasta - and then play chess with Joshy?" " Yes." "Great." " Do you know chess?" "I know of it." "It's squares, isn't it?" "Google it." "Cool." "Will do." "Great." "'OK, that's fine, the sex comes later." "I'm still bossing this." "'I get to just learn chess and practise cooking for free!" "'I'm exploiting the shit out of her, the poor fool.'" "Sorry I'm late." "A million apologies." "'Old Mother Hubbard and Captain Cardigan." "'Is this the freehold committee?" "This'll be a breeze!" "'" "I'll let us in." "'Operation New Wall starts now." "'Oh, hang on." "Brilliant..." "Gail." "'The only person who hates me more than my father." "'This isn't a breeze, it's a mega-shitstorm.'" "Take a, um..." "'And my chairs have all gone." "Perfect.'" "Where are the chairs?" "Er, take the sofa." "I'll stand." "'Hm, this might be OK." "'I feel tall, dominant, like a mighty oak.'" "This won't take long." "You can't have new walls, Mark." "That's not what the sinking fund is for." "Yes, well, thanks for that, Gail, but I did actually only ask Ben to look at it, so I don't even know why you're here." " Have you got any biscuits?" " What?" "No." "OK, look, Ben, the wall needs to go." "It's as wet as a..." "'What's the phrase for wet things?" "'Not "eagle"." "That doesn't work." "'I must be able to think of a single object 'other than an eagle." "Please!" "' eagle." ""As wet as an eagle"?" "It really is." "I've got asthma." "I actually find it really difficult to sleep here sometimes because of it." "Well, break up with him, then." "Look, Ben, I need to dip into the sinking fund." "No, absolutely not." "We can't do anything, Mark, till the new chairman's been elected." "Are you not the chairman?" "Ben stood down last month." "So who's in charge now?" "We're actually looking for a new chairperson, if you were interested in running...?" "Oh, well, not sure, really." "'Darn fucking tootin' I'm going to run!" "And I'm going to win." "'Dobby'll love that." "Women love power." "'Just look at Clinton." "'I'll be like a very faithful Clinton.'" "'God, two toilet stops and mind-melting kiddy music." "'Why couldn't he have just left Joshy home alone?" "'According to the films, he'd have been absolutely fine.'" "I appreciate the lift, but it really is insufficient payment for my chairs." "You stole my chairs." "You have to return them." "And find yourself somewhere proper to live, while you're at it." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Stop leeching off my sister while she's such a wreck." "I'm not a leech, Mark." "And if I am," "I'm one of the good ones that cured diseases in the olden days." "Leeches never cured anyone of anything, Jeremy." "Well, what do you expect?" "They're leeches, not bloody doctors." "You don't have to live with a Corrigan, you realise." "You don't only survive on Corrigan blood." "God!" "That'll be Mad Andy." "He's figured out he's got abandonment issues." "Well, are you going to take it?" "Nah." "Hey, there's loads about sales and shit in life coaching, you know, Mark." "The key thing is to not accept negativity." "So it's like I don't hear the word "no" any more," "I hear, "Convince me."" "Well, if that's true, Jeremy, you'll end up in prison for sexual assault." "Or you just say celebrities are doing it, whatever it is." "That always works." "'Since Johnny Rotten started doing Country Life," "'I've been buttering like a bastard.'" "'Buy it." "'Please buy it." "It's a tap." "You sell taps." "'Please, please buy it.'" "Don't like this one." "Right." "So, um... interestingly..." "'Come on, think of a celebrity..." "Um..." "'Not the Queen." "That's too obvious.'" "Jools Holland has got that one." "I think it's a no." "Thank you." "Right." "No probs." "Oh, cool!" "What are these?" "Are they for sale?" "'Oh, no, what's he doing?" "'" "I'm looking for some taps for my new bathroom, and I love these." "They're not actually for sale." "Oh." "That's a real shame, cos I like them... a lot, as would all of my friends and colleagues." "I think Mark Ronson has ones like these." "Really?" "I didn't know that." "'Mark Ronson?" "Of course, he's cool." "'Say someone else cool.'" "And..." "Werner Herzog's got them as well." "They're amazing." "I want them." "I mean, we do have a lot of taps that look like these ones." "No, no, no, it has to be these ones." "These exact ones." "Can I buy them?" "Um, yes." "Just give me two minutes." "Mark, do you want to follow me?" "'I am such a good friend." "And person." "'But I still get the glare!" "'I'd probably still get the glare if I gave him one of my kidneys.'" "Well?" "Well?" "I sold 300 units." "Amazing!" "But fraudulently." "I'm basically the Bernie Madoff of bathroom retail." "I think I'm going to puke pure adrenaline." "Is he the guy that rides the ostrich?" "No, that's Bernie Clifton." "Madoff is..." "Well, if you replace the ostrich with the NASDAQ share index, you're basically there." "He's a dirty crook!" "As am I." ""Thanks" would have been nice." "'Right, yes, "Thank you for making me commit fraud."" "'Oddly, I haven't seen that card in WH Smith's.'" "'Oh, please." "Oh, God, no.'" "Well, keep pushing!" "Yeah, we are!" "Uncle Mark, I need the loo!" "Yeah, just push for now, Joshy, there's a good lad." "'Is it OK to make a five-year-old boy push a car?" "'It's character-building, probably." "'But he is on the exhaust side..." "'I'll swap in a bit." "That's fair, although he has got young lungs.'" "Mark?" "You left your..." "Mark, keep pushing." "Sorry, what..." "Do you two know each other?" "Quickly, Mark, let's go!" "We've been rumbled!" ""Let's go"?" "!" "Where, Jeremy, you bloody idiot?" "We can't start the pissing car." "Thanks a lot, mate." "And apologies again for... grifting you." "I don't suppose you could maybe not mention it to Robert at Baths, Bathrooms  Fittings?" "'Great, Joshy's doing a poo in a display toilet." "'The final indignity.'" "OK, fine." "We'll keep this between us." "Thanks." "Thanks so much." "'Not letting you turn round yet, old friend." "This handshake's only just beginning.'" "OK freehold committee, prepare to meet your new leader." "I honestly think I've nailed this." "I've got this great riff about bees and their role within the hive that I think's really gonna speak to people." "Everybody loves bees." "Yeah, great, just make sure you mention the door to the bins thing." "That lock is a massive ball ache." "'A new bolt lock, blimey." "'That's probably the kind of shit Nick Clegg asks Cameron for.'" "So we have three candidates for chairperson." "Each will say just a few words about themselves." "Please let's make them all feel very welcome." "Firstly Mo Gattlen from flat 23." "I'll do it if you like." "'Hmm, might have overcooked this a bit.'" "Next, Gail Huggins, flat 16." "Thanks, Ben." "Hi, my name's Gail, I've been on the committee four years." "I know how it all works and I'll do my best to continue Ben's work." "'Yep, definitely overcooked it.'" "And finally, Mark Corrigan, flat five." "'Well, those are the starters, get." "Ready for a fucking beef wellington.'" "As my Latin namesake Marcus Aurelius said," ""That which is not good for the bee hive cannot be good for the bees."" "And like bees, we have an equal duty to maintain and protect our home, or hive." "We've not got that long, Mark." "Oh, OK." "How long exactly do we...?" "We're finishing at seven." "OK, I can skip some of this." "Sorry, hang on, let me just..." "In conclusion then, I promise to give us all a chance to dip our fingers into the honey pot and make the vital repairs to our hive that the current cartel of self-interested drones have consistently blocked." "My name is Mark Corrigan and I... am an honourable man." "Bins, Mark, bins." "And I promise to sort out the stiff bolt on the door of the bin store." "Can I eat my dinner now, please?" "Well, let's ask." "Do you want the man to stop dancing, Joshy?" "Keep going, Jeremy." "'Am I even dancing any more?" "It's hard to tell without music on.'" "How's your food, Joshy?" "Did Mummy do well?" "Yes, Mummy's doing very well." "Do you like the man Mummy got us?" "He's funny, isn't he?" "Yes, he's very funny." "'I'm a toy boy in the sense that I am a toy for a boy.'" "Hi, Jez." "Oh, hi." "Hello, Uncle Mark." "Hi, Joshy..." "So looks like I'm the new Apollo House freehold committee chairman." "Hey, here's to Chairman Mark... or Chairman Malc..." "Chairmark Mao." "Let's hope my aggressive land reforms don't lead to widespread famine." "What do you mean famine?" "I was referencing some of Chairman Mao's policies." "I don't know how much you know about him." "I know his name." "Right." "Mark, if you plan to use Jez as a driver again, then you have to check his Google calendar first to see if he's free." " Ooh, have I got a calendar?" " Yes, will do." "Write any requests in blue." "If I OK them I'll change them to green." "Gotcha." "Can I see my calendar?" "No need, babe." "Oh..." "What?" ""Babe"?" "Going well then, is it?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's great." "She's great, it's all great." "But there is this one thing." "You want to have sex with thousands of other people?" "Not that." "It's just that her tastes have changed a bit in the bedroom." "Yeah, I probably definitely don't want to hear about this whatsoever." "I'm cool with SM, and obviously if she wants to be S then I have to be M. I mean, we can't both be the M." "I don't want to know." "I think it's cos of Fifty Shades of Grey." "I think reading that has made her very horny but at the same time very angry." "Right, I'm not sure it counts as SM if it's not consensual." "Oh, you're the SM expert all of a sudden, are you?" "Mr I'm So Scared Of Women Touching My Arsehole" "I Pretend It's Really Ticklish?" "It is really ticklish." "For fuck's sake!" "Simon was meant to take Joshy on the weekend and now he's going to Chicago, the utter bastard." "'Nice one, Simon, that's me getting hit 'with a selection of objects all fucking night.'" "As a representative of this store, everything you do on the road comes straight back to me." "'God, I would love to pop that spot." "'Just put a hot flannel on there and then crack that mother wide open." "'That would be a great night in for me.'" "Are you listening, Mark?" "Yes, sir, of course, and I want to apologise." "The fact is, Robert, it was my driver's idea." "He very much started grifting without my say-so." "I was barely involved." "Started what, sorry?" "Conning Mr Franks, who said he wouldn't tell you, but... well, clearly he has." "Right, cos I got a call from Alan Magernagey at Lutterworth about you leaving a number of editions of some book you've written," "Business something of the Pharaohs, in display toilets." "'Bollocks!" "'" "I haven't heard from Dave Franks." "Yes." "Um..." "'Great work, Mark." "No need for the Water Board, 'just show me the poppable whitehead.'" "Did you try and con Dave Franks?" "Can you just give me a second, please, Robert?" "Hello." "They're saying they can either do it now or it'll be another six weeks." "'Six weeks for a new wall?" "!" "'" "I need her to move in quicker than six weeks." "They're saying it'll cost 9,000 plus VAT." "£10,800?" "'That is fantastic maths.'" "It was supposed to be about 700 quid." "I can't spend that." "That's virtually the entire sinking fund." "Hang on." "Robert, hi." "Yeah, I just spoke to Dave Franks." "Apparently you and another bloke tried to swindle him and then one of you did a shit in a display toilet." " That wasn't us, there was also a five-year-old boy." " He didn't mention a boy." "There honestly was one." "The shit will be child-sized, if you ask him." "I'm not asking him that." "OK." "Am I fired?" " Yes." " Right." "I'm approving it, it's coming out of the sinking fund." "I'm the chairman and I'll transfer the money in five." "Hold the lift, please." "Right, yes." "'Do I look like a bloody bell boy?" "'Although maybe that could be my new job, a freelance bell boy.'" "Oh, it's the honourable man." "Yes, hello..." "'Don't say Mother Hubbard, don't say Mother Hubbard.' deary." "You're just what this place needs, you know, someone to stop the rot, fix the broken tiles..." "'Yes, can't really do any of that, though, 'cos I've spunked the sinking fund within 24 hours of leadership.'" "All great suggestions, but, having looked at the accounts," "I think it's better if we actually don't do that and just keep it for emergencies." "Oh!" "Right..." "'And by "emergencies", I presumably mean 'things that really matter, like if my DVD player stops working 'or if I really want a Nando's." "'God, what have I become?" "'I'm Mobutu, gilding my royal palace while my people starve 'in their squalid, AIDS-y townships." "'Maybe Mobutu did it all for his girlfriend.'" "Hey, flatmate!" "'Back from the dead, the zombie flatmate, 'come to eat my brains and my Cheddar.'" "I've had a big think and decided you were right about me leeching off Sarah, so I'm back!" "I've ordered us a pizza and I've found an amazing YouTube clip of a monkey riding a pig." "So let's just hunker down and veg out!" "Look, mate, you don't live here any more." "But I've moved all my stuff back." "You mean you've returned my chairs." "And my clothes." "And my porn case." "Don't make me move that again." "It's really heavy." "Funnily enough, the weight of your old-school pornography isn't breaking my heart, Jeremy." "The damp's all fixed," "Dobby's moving in, and..." "I can't take it any more at Sarah's." "OK?" "It's not just the SM, it's the cooking and the cleaning and the constant dancing." "I'm like some pole-dancing, oven-scrubbing migrant sex worker." "Let me back into the First World, Mark, please." "I'm sorry, Jez." "'Don't weaken, Mark." "He's only your best and oldest friend." "'You owe him zilch.'" " I really appreciate this, Andy." " Yeah, I mean, I ain't got a bed or nothing for ya." "I've got a free sort of... corner you can have." "Great." "I can sleep in a corner." "'Brilliant." "Flat-sharing with a psycho. "Who's in the corner?"" "'"Oh, that's my life coach." "'"That shivering, pale man with the suitcase of porn is helping me" " '"get my life back on track."'" " I haven't really got any bedding." "All right?" "'I'm sleeping in a bin bag." "I'm human rubbish." "'My sixth-form careers advisor was right all along." "'It's not even a thick green one for garden waste." "'This is black for landfill." "I belong in landfill.'" "Oh, wow!" "To moving in." "Finally!" "Indeed." "'Let's celebrate with an inaugural stain." "'I'll try to refrain from squirting the Vanish 'till after this tender moment.'" "I'm really excited, Mark, I just know it's going to be great." " 'Sounds almost convincing.'" " Cheers!" "Hi!" "It's me." "'Oh, what now?" "'" "I forgot my Mega Drive." "I forgot the one thing I own I can't masturbate to, or in." "OK, well, I'll bag that up for you, and..." "Also, can I stay?" "I slept in a bin bag at Andy's and..." "I couldn't really handle it." "Big Mad Andy?" "Yeah." "But the good news is that Super Hans' bag is now available." "And that's a sleeping bag, not a bin bag, but it does have someone sleeping in it tonight." "But tomorrow, it's mine, all mine." "'Poor bastard!" "' Of course you can stay the night, Jez." "We're going to have pizza." "I want Hawaiian." "Oh, he won't have that." "I just don't want fruit on my pizza, just like I'd rather not have melon in my lasagne." "'And that's why I never cooked it again.'" "Let's play a bit of Street Fighter." "Great!" "'Sorry, Mark," "'I'll fight Dobby, but not my feelings." "'I like my feelings, my naughty, naughty feelings.'" "But what about the new Danish drama on BBC4?" "Apparently, it's like The Killing, but more bureaucratic." "Hey, Mark, if Jez needs a bit of time to sort himself out, then the move can wait." "I've got some stuff in a Big Yellow storage unit anyway that I need to get before I pack up." "'And there it is, finally, 'a big, yellow storage unit full of big, yellow bullshit." "'She's fallen into my trap." "'After all I've done, she still invents reasons not to move in." "'I knew she didn't love me." "'Now, all I have to do is get her to admit it, and then I win." "'Somehow, that means I win.'"