"All right, while we're waiting for Patrick to get here and start talking about your problems," "I've got a major problem of my own." "Who should I go out with Saturday night?" "Super hot or..." "Both:" "Super hot." "It's always super hot." "But I didn't even tell you about the girl who's super smart." "You know what?" "You're right." "I'm assuming this is about your date to my wedding to Patrick on Saturday night." "Well, it's definitely not for the Slash concert at Staples Center." "So anyone know someone who wants tickets to the Slash concert at Staples Center?" "How could you forget, Charlie?" "Thursday's the rehearsal, Saturday's the wedding, and Sunday Patrick and I cash the million-dollar wedding check my parents are giving us." "Because I thought by now that this scam would be over and the next time you and I spoke would be from jail." "Lacey, you're making a mockery of weddings." "They're supposed to be about two people who actually care about each other." "Well, I'm not going." "And don't anyone try to talk me into it." "So, Lacey, is your family coming from India to witness this joyous felony?" "Yes, and I just found out my parents are having Mahesh at the wedding." "Mahesh?" "Is that a person or some dot-head appetizer that's gonna give me the trots?" "Mahesh is the ugly, fat kid from India that my parents wanted me to marry." "This is gonna be so awkward." "Just be polite to him." "How can I be polite when he's fat?" "It's easy." "Like when I'm talking to someone who's shallow and self-centered, you just pay them a compliment and smile." "By the way, great blouse." "Oh, my God, thank you." "I remember you as a little girl all wide-eyed and innocent." "And tomorrow I am marrying you." " You must be very excited." " Yeah, yeah, whatever." "Before we start this rehearsal thing," "I've got this Hindu friend who's getting married to a guy just to get a buttload of money from her parents." "Can you go to Hindu hell for that?" "Lacey." "Don't move." "You know what?" "Just text me the answer." "You're the coolest." "Bye." "Hi." "Can I help you?" "You are just as beautiful as I remembered." "Holy crap." "Mahesh." "When did you become crazy doable?" "You motivated me to lose weight when you turned down my proposal." "Oh, my God." "I created you?" "This is awesome." "Well, a lot has changed." "I also started my own software company in Silicon Valley." "Oh." "( Stammering ) How is that going?" "Microsoft offered us 300 million, but I think we can do better." "Are you asking me to marry you?" "What?" "You're marrying Patrick." "Okay." "I'll think about it." "Okay, so you'll read this after the Hindu cleric and the priest welcome everybody." "So they're both performing the ceremony?" "The Hindu cleric is for Lacey's family and the priest is for my mother who still makes me feel worthless even from beyond the grave." "Excuse me." "Do you know where the..." "Charlie?" "As I live and breathe, Eugene Alvarez." "Oh, my God." "It's been so long." "Last time I saw you, I was in the dugout watching you break your bat over your knee." "Last time I saw you, you were in the clubhouse offering me a bottle of Jack Daniels and a handful of Vicodin because I broke a bat over my knee." "That was a long time ago, Charlie." " A lot has changed." "Yeah." " Yes, it has." "I'm an anger management therapist now and you're a guy who dresses like a priest." "( Laughs )" "I don't know the gag, but I like it." "There is no gag." "I mean, I'm a man of the cloth." "I'm one with the Lord now." "Wow." "And there I was feeling all high and mighty for not parking in the handicap zone." " So you're doing the wedding?" " Yeah, yeah, first one." "I mean, I'm new at this." "I've only been a priest a couple of months." "So you're popping your wedding cherry." " Am I allowed to say that?" " Yeah, of course." "Charlie, I'm still the same guy even though I wear this collar and you have to call me Father and you have to kiss my ring." "And you have to kiss my ass." "( Laughs ) I was kidding." "So was I." "Listen, after rehearsal, let's go grab several drinks and get all caught up, yeah?" "Yeah, absolutely." "I mean, just so you know, I don't really drink anymore." "I mean, other than the sacraments." "Not a problem." "Go to this great little place I know." "They have a two-for-one sacrament until 7:00." "Anger Management 2x51" " Charlie and The Last Temptation of Eugenio - Original air date March 6, 2014" "So how's Jen?" "Oh, she's doing good, but, you know, we're divorced now." "Oh, I'm sorry." "That's a shame." "Oh, come on." "If you weren't a priest, you'd be all over that." " You always had a thing for her." " Yeah." "Now I have a thing for Him." "That sounded a little odd, my friend." "Yeah." "So wait a minute." "This whole priest thing, I don't get it." "I mean, you were the guy that got kicked off of Motley Crue's tour bus for making Tommy Lee cry." "People change, Charlie." "I was given a sign from God." "What, did you see, like, Christ's face on a piece of toast?" "( Laughs ) Of course not." "It was in a flour tortilla." "I was depressed." "I was feeling hopeless." "I looked down and there he was, smiling up at me." "But that must sound silly to you, right?" "No, no, not at all." "In fact, one time I dropped a tube of Go-Gurt and the splatter told me to stay drunk for nine straight days." "( Laughs ) Come on." "But I think you might have taken it a little too far." "Well, think what you want." "But my life is easier now that I don't have those urges anymore." " Aha." " What?" " You just checked her out." " No, I didn't." " Yes, you did." " I didn't." "Oh, come on." "You could pick that ass out of an ass lineup." "Which we did once in Kansas City, remember?" " I'm telling you, man, this isn't you." " Charlie, this is me." "I'll bet if I threw some real temptation on, you wouldn't be able to say no." "Go for it." "My faith is strong." "You come here tomorrow night." " But you've got to give me a fighting chance." " Okay." "Lose the collar." "Don't tell anyone you're a priest." "Done." "But if I prove you wrong, you have to come to church for a year." " Fine." " Okay." "Make it two years." "You know what?" "Three... months." "Just not in a row." "You ran into Eugene Alvarez?" "That's so random." "Didn't you used to like him?" "No, you and I were married." "I never even thought of him that way." "Is he still single, because, God, I wanted him." "He's about as single as single gets." "You'd never hit on a priest, would you?" "Of course not." "Why?" "He's not a priest now, is he?" "No, no." "But he's thinking about becoming one." "That is not a good idea." "Talk about putting a square peg in a round hole." "I think his days of putting his peg in any kind of hole are over." "Unless someone shows him that it's the wrong choice." "Oh, okay." "So you decided to go out and buy Chinese food, come here and talk me into doinking him?" "No, no, no." "But have you tried the sweet and sour doinking?" "It's excellent." "Look, all I'm asking is you pretend to seduce him." "When he makes his move, bam, you tell him Charlie was right and you just walk away." "Isn't there some other way?" "Well, I was gonna send him half a dozen hookers." "Then I realized that what he really wants is you." " I don't know." " That is a huge compliment." "I'm saying that you have the power of six hookers." "Aw, thank you." "Hey, douchebag, where's Charlie?" "Douchebag was my father." "You can just call me Bag." "Okay, Bag." "I hate you and I need my therapist." "Where's Charlie?" "He's at the grocery store." "For some reason, he keeps running out of cereal." "You want some?" "No, I'm going through something serious and I need to talk to him." "You can always talk to me." "No, thanks." "He's a therapist." "You're a soulless bag of crap." "Again, just Bag." "Is this about your wedding tomorrow?" "I can't marry Patrick." "Why not?" "I thought there was a million bucks in it for you." "I know, but I realized there's someone else I should marry." "Ah, got it." "Listen, let me finish my bowl of cereal and then we'll do it in Charlie's bed and talk about our future." "Shut up." "It's the fat guy from India that my parents wanted me to marry." "But they never told me he got hot and super rich." "Why would they hurt me like that?" "Why don't you just call off the wedding?" "If I do that," "Patrick will be so mad about losing out on the money, he'll tell my parents we were tricking them the whole time and I'll end up with nothing." "So come up with a sneaky way for your parents to find out that Patrick's gay, pretend to be devastated, and then marry the Indian dude." "That's brilliant." "Thank you." "I am always here for you." "Hey, you want to knock one out in the pantry?" "You're disgusting." "All right, seriously, where'd I lose you?" "Was it knock one out or was it pantry?" "We can make love in the pantry." "Well, I'm very appreciative of all the things you're willing to do with me, to me, and above me on a swing." "But I'm gonna have to pass." "Well, your loss." "But here is my number in case you change your mind." "Oh, thanks." "Thanks." "Oh, and tell Charlie good try." "( Coughs )" "Hey, Brett." "Can I get a glass of chardonnay?" " You by yourself tonight?" " Now I am." "I just got stood up." "I got to find that old man who started eHarmony and burn his house to the ground." "Jennifer?" "Oh, my God." "Eugene Alvarez?" "Yeah." "Good to see you." "Oh, so what are you doing in town?" "Still with all that gorgeous hair." "Uh... well, I got a new job." " Oh." " Yeah." "Big company." "Home office is in Italy." "You look great." "Yeah, thanks." "You do, too." " Thank you." " Yeah." " Want to know my secret?" " Yeah." "A strict regimen of wine every day and not enough sex." "( Laughs ) Me, too." "Oh, come on." "How does this happen?" "Jen, it's the middle of the day." "Why didn't you call me back?" "How'd it go with you and Eugene?" "I did it." "I broke him." "I don't think he'll be joining the priesthood anytime soon." "I knew it." "We saved him from a huge crisis down the road." "You did a really great thing for that guy." "Oh, I did four great things for that guy." "You did... whoa, whoa." "What are you talking about?" "Well, I don't kiss and tell, but we had sex, so what do you want to know?" "You weren't supposed to sleep with him." "I thought I was doing you a favor." "I know he was doing me a favor." "He's a priest." "No, he's not." "You said he was thinking about being a priest." "Priests don't do what he did because they know God's watching." "Well, God was watching you last night do a priest." "Oh, my God!" "What have I done?" "I'm going to hell." "Why did you lie to me?" "Because if I told you the truth, you wouldn't have done what I wanted." "If that sounds selfish, there's a reason for that." "It is." "( Phone chimes )" "Hello." "Hey, Charlie, you know that priest you came in with last night?" "Well, he's down here drinking pretty heavily playing grab-ass with a couple of fallen women." "Habeas mirabilem pectora." "That's the way you say "you got a great rack" in Latin." "( Laughing )" "I'll be right down." "Well, congratulations." "You screwed him right off the God wagon." "Eugene." "What are you doing?" "Qué onda, Charlie?" "Hey, apropos of nothing." "How many shots can you take in a half hour without dying?" "One less than you have in you." "What happened to you?" "You were right, Charlie." "I couldn't resist temptation." "I slept with a woman and broke my vows to God. ( Hiccups )" "Okay, okay, I know who you slept with and I've done some things with her, too, that may have offended God." "But you don't have to sink this low." "Sorry, ladies." "After that wedding tomorrow," "I'm gonna lose the collar and I'm gonna tear through this town like Generalissimo Carranza tore through Chiapas." "So this guy banged his way through Chiapas?" "I don't know." "But I assume so." "He was a pretty good-looking guy." "Hey, let's bounce." "Whoo!" "Eugene." "Eugene." "You have an addictive personality that's out of control." "You're better off being addicted to God." "Way fewer STDs." "Again, sorry, ladies." "I'm not out of control, okay?" "By the way, can I borrow some money?" "I seem to have misplaced all of my belongings." "One of the warning signs of being out of control is not knowing where all of your belongings are." "And the other sign is not taking your good friend seriously." "Bye-bye." "Well, it's too bad your priest buddy didn't bring in a minister and a rabbi so you could at least get a joke out of this, huh?" "God, I love weddings." "At first I thought you had some sort of ulterior motive for taking me." "And then I thought that's cynical and that's not who I want to be." "Yeah, cynicism is a terrible trait." "Look, I need you to scam a priest." "What?" "All you got to do is act like he inspired you at one of his sermons." "I'm trying to get him back into the priesthood." "Back?" "What did you do?" "Nothing." "He's the one who got drunk and had sex with my ex." "All I did was set the whole thing up." "I'm here." "What's the problem?" "Close the door." "Some giant letters outside." ""Patrick times Lacey."" "It's supposed to say "Patrick plus Lacey,"" "but the plus sign keeps falling on its side." "I need your help blowing up this wedding." "Easy, get caught having sex with a white stranger." "I stole Patrick's phone." "He has dirty pictures on here of him and his boyfriend which are accidentally gonna get sent to my parents, but he changed his password." " What was the old one?" " Garland." " As in Judy?" " Yeah." "So I tried Streisand, Minnelli, Manilow," "Midler, and Cher." "Did you try wreath?" "It's the straight man's garland." "You're such an idiot." "( Gasps ) It worked." "I'm gonna marry Mahesh." "I knew it." "I heard everything." "You heard nothing." "I knew you were gonna try to cut me out the minute I saw you checking out that Indian guy and I told you you need a mid heel with that dress." "I want to be with Mahesh." "And I want to be with ma money." "Give me the phone." "I press send and you don't get a dime." "You do it and I tell your family that I was a shill in your swindle." "( Gasps ) Sean:" "Hmm." "Looks like we got ourselves quite the Canadian standoff here." "It's called a Mexican standoff." "You guys don't have guns." "This ain't "Reservoir Dogs," people." "Padre." "How's the old cabeza holding up?" "A little rough." "I always have to remind myself not to mix beer and whiskey." "And vodka." "And wine." "And then beer one more time." "And who is this lovely lady?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "This is my business colleague Jordan." "Oh, my God." "Father Alvarez." "You're the priest at my church." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You go to his church?" "Yes." "A couple of months ago, I was in the middle of a crisis." "Your sermon changed my life." "True story." "When I met her, she was a Dumpster-diving alcoholic prostitute that slept with homeless dudes." "Yes." "Yes, I was." "I fornicated with the homeless." "That's amazing." "Which sermon was that?" "Oh, you know, it was the one about keeping the faith and God and stuff." "So I provided you with a profound religious experience?" "Oh, yeah." "Which is a clear sign that you were meant to be a priest." "No." "It's a sign I want to hang with this hot chica caliente." "If you want a real religious experience, catch me after the wedding." "If you tell my parents we were tricking them, you lose everything, too." "Hey, I don't mind going down if I take you with me." "Patrick, please." "Don't you want me to be happy?" "Mahesh is my true love and soul mate." "What else you got?" "I'll steal a bunch of money from him and give it to you." "300,000." "But I love this man." "275." "I'm sorry, the wedding is off." "I just remembered I'm gay." "What?" "!" "I have spent $100,000 on this wedding." "That "Patrick times Lacey" sign cost me $5,000 alone." "I am terribly sorry for everything, sir." "Can I have that giant letter P for my apartment?" "I'm looking to fill a wall." "I'll pick up a poster." "It's fine." "Oh, Mahesh, my wedding is called off." "I'm a heartbroken victim." "Hold me." "Lacey, I'm so sorry." "I should have followed my heart in the first place." "From the minute I met you, I knew it was you I always loved." "I never knew." "Hey, we have a Hindu priest here." " We can get married right now." " What?" "Our families already wanted to arrange this." "What do you think, Money Bear?" "Money Bear?" "I mean, Honey Bear." "But your wedding just fell apart." "You must be devastated." "Look, you and I have something special." "Let's make it official." "My God, it's too soon." "Why the hell not?" "!" "Do you know what I've been through?" "When am I gonna get what I want?" "!" "I want to get married to you and we are gonna do it today." "Okay." "So I'm gonna give you some time alone." "And let's never talk again." "Well, you're obviously not the man that I made up in my head that I thought I knew!" "Hey, Todd." "Does your dad still own that trucking company?" "Yes?" "Okay." "Do you want to get married?" "You see, Charlie?" "God sprinkled disaster all around me." "He really doesn't want me to do this anymore." "Well, maybe that wasn't Jesus in your tortilla." "Maybe it was Zach Galifianakis." "I mean, that guy's in everything these days." "Come on, let's go get a real drink." "Oh, I'm sorry." "You're forgiven." "Did you see that guy?" "It was a sign, Charlie." "It was Christ carrying the cross." "And he forgave me." "No." "Really?" "You sure?" "I can still make evening services if I really haul ass." "Hey, drop by church sometime, my friend." "Yeah, not gonna happen." "All right, pal." "I got your 20 bucks." "Thanks." "I only made 10 for loading a P into some guy's car." "Well, try and forgive him." "He just lost a half million dollars."