"20 million years ago, an apelike creature inhabited the earth." "[also sprach zarathustra playing]" "and the ape stood and became man." "rrr!" "arrgh!" "grr!" "rrugh!" "ahh..." "ahh..." "ahh... the greatest calamity that could befall early man was the loss of fire." "fire--the mysterious phenomenon that cooked his food, heated his cave, and kept him alive." "if he could not start a fire, he and his would surely die." "even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature." "this need, this talent clearly separated early man from animals, who would never know this gift." "and here, in a cave somewhere in the north american continent about 2 million years ago, the first artist was born." "and, of course, with the birth of the artist, came the inevitable afterbirth... the critic." "in the year 1 million bc, it is thought the first homo sapien marriage occurred." "it was shortly followed by the first homosexual marriage." "one of the first weapons man invented was the spear." "[pfftt!" "]" "[pfftt!" "]" "aah!" "aah...ah ah... ohh...ah-- in ancient times, man was ignorant as to the cause and nature of death, so death was greeted with a certain degree of awe." "aw..." "aw..." "aw..." "aw... bungwa." "but because man did not have the time for complicated rituals, funeral services were often brief." "aah!" "aah!" "aah!" "[thud] [ptooey] [ptooey]" "even in early man, the need to laugh was vital for emotional survival." "rrrr!" "aaaghh!" "aah!" "ha ha!" "ha ha!" "ha ha!" "aahhhh!" "music began long before it was formalized into notes and phrases." "for mankind, it began with an accident." "goonga heard the sound and liked it." "goonga begged gowi to repeat the beautiful scream, but gowi could not." "so goonga thought and thought, and finally he found the answer." "ahha aha ah-- aaahhh" "aah ah ah ah!" "aaahh-- aaahhh!" "aahahah!" "wooh ahhh... and so, music was born." "## hallelujah ## ## hallelujah ## ## hallelujah, hallelujah ## ## halle-lu-jah!" "## ## owh owh owh owhh!" "####" "moses went to the mountain, and god spoke unto him." "moses, this is the lord, thy god, commanding you to obey my law!" "do you hear me?" "yes, i hear you, i hear you." "a deaf man could hear you." "what?" "nothing. forget it." "oh, lord, why have you chosen me?" "what would you have me do for you?" "i shall give you my laws, and you shall take them unto the people." "yes, lord!" "[thunder] wow!" "lord, i shall give these laws unto thy people." "hear me!" "oh, hear me!" "all pay heed!" "the lord, the lord jehovah, has given unto you these 15" "oy!" "10, 10 commandments for all to obey!" "rome--vortex of modern civilization." "rome--fountainhead of culture." "rome--blazing pronouncement of mankind's most glorious achievements." "all right, now." "columns, columns!" "columns!" "columns!" "get your columns here!" "ionic, doric, corinthian!" "put a few columns out in front, turn any hovel into a show place!" "columns!" "sir, don't touch the merchandise!" "all right, now." "columns, columns!" "haircut, shave, shampoo...bloodletting!" "sooths!" "soothsaying!" "get your sooth said right here!" "i can tell the future!" "you, sir!" "for a wee fee of two drachmas, i can tell you your future!" "ha!" "yes, yes!" "i see, i see!" "i see that you are going on a l0-o-ong journey!" "yes. you, sir, are going to rome!" "but i amin rome!" "do i lie?" "no!" "no!" "ha ha!" "ah ha!" "sooth, sooth!" "we give great sooth!" "ha ha ha!" "chariots!" "used chariots!" "low mileage!" "they're great!" "i'm very excited about it." "it's a new concept." "it's called a centerfold." "ha ha!" "ha ha!" "plumbing!" "plumbing!" "plumbing here!" "plumbing!" "yes, citizens, plumbing!" "it's the latest invention to hit rome!" "it moves water from one place to another!" "it's astounding, it's amazing!" "get on the bandwagon!" "pipe the shit right out of your house!" "plumbing!" "plumbing here!" "plumbing!" "brand-new invention!" "occupation?" "gladiator." "did you kill last week?" "no." "did you try to kill last week?" "yeah." "this is your last week of unemployment insurance." "either kill somebody, or we'll have to change your status." "sign here." "next!" "occupation?" "standup philosopher." "what?" "standup philosopher." "i coalesce the vapor of human experience into a viable and logical comprehension." "oh!" "a bullshit artist!" "mmmmmm... did you bullshit last week?" "no!" "did you try to yes!" "comicus!" "comicus!" "comicus!" "back in the line!" "he's not in line." "he's my agent, swiftus." "good news!" "i just got you a job!" "now you won't be needing this." "wait a minute!" "that's mine!" "i'm on my wine break!" "[smash!" "]" "ooh ooh oo!" "doppess!" "i almost had the money in my hand." "i like that." "i bust my anus to get you a job, and you're angry?" "you are nuts, n-v-t-s, nuts!" "ok. what's the job?" "just the best gig in rome, a date that every standup philosopher, including socrates, would die for." "believe it or not, you're going to play caesars palace!" "the main room?" "the main room!" "groovus!" "groovus!" "let's not be late!" "the show starts in an hour!" "the main room!" "10, 10, 10." "20, 20, 20." "30, 30, 30." "40, 40, 4o." "do i hear 50?" "50!" "sold for 50 libra!" "oh, no!" "come here, you!" "the slave auction is over!" "take these rejects to the colosseum!" "sell them for lions' bait!" "no!" "no!" "no!" "wait a minute!" "wait a minute!" "what is this with lions?" "i cannot go to the lions because i happen to know that the lions only eat christians!" "i am a jew, jewish person." "i can prove it." "watch this. look out." "## havah nagilah, havah ## ## nagilah, havah ## ## nagilah, vaynism' chayh ## everybody!" "## havah nagilah, havah ## ## nagilah, havah ## ## nagilah, havah-- #### now, hold it!" "i'm jewish, i'm telling you!" "call the temple, call the rabbi, call sammus davis jr!" "call sammus!" "he'll vouch for me." "we are tight." "jewish, huh?" "he missed." "i jumped, and he missed." "it was his first day." "he was nervous." "i got an appointment for thursday." "he'll give me a local, bup, i'm out!" "get him out of here!" "you could make a lot of money with me!" "wait a minute." "money?" "come here." "how?" "i'm very entertaining." "i got special talents." "i'll show you." "i need sand." "what?" "sand." "you're standing on it." "get the sand." "what the hell's the matter with you?" "thank you." "yes. a little sand on the stage for the native shim-sham sand dance." "look out." "i'm going to start." "## bop a do ba bow ## born to do it!" "ha ha ha!" "ha ha!" "hey, what country you from?" "ethiopia." "what part?" "125th street." "ha ha!" "ha ha!" "i'll sign him." "the big turn." "## and that's the ethiopian..." "shim-sham!" "#### ooh!" "ahh!" "he's great!" "he's good!" "the kid is wonderful!" "neigh!" "[thump!" "]" "go on, lazy brute, get up!" "you're costing me good money!" "oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "please!" "stop it!" "the poor thing's in pain!" "out of the way, or you'll get the same!" "no!" "you mustn't!" "aah!" "hey!" "hey!" "what, are you crazy?" "aaugh!" "whoa!" "ohh!" "oh!" "ohh!" "oww!" "mmm!" "little shot." "thanks." "oh, thank you." "he was beating that poor, exhausted horse." "oh, gee." "oh, he's not exhausted." "here's the problem." "ahh!" "see?" "neigh!" "come on, boy." "you can get up." "come on, fella." "neigh!" "yay!" "yay!" "wait a minute." "i know this horse." "he used to be the fastest horse at the chariot races." "his name is miracle." "neigh!" "miracle?" "oh, what a beautiful name!" "what's yours?" "miracle--uh, comicus." "i'm a standup philosopher." "oh, i'm miriam." "i'm a vestal virgin." "i'm really sorry to hear that." "i work at the palace." "we're going to be there!" "really?" "aah!" "whack!" "aaarugh!" "wow!" "put her there, pal." "man, you saved my life!" "i'm comicus, standup philosopher." "who are you?" "i'm josephus." "i'm the main course at the colosseum." "say hello to some friends-- my agent, swiftus lazarus." "looked good, man." "this is miriam, a vestal virgin." "hi." "hi." "seize him!" "oh, seize this, honkus!" "don't say that to the cops!" "do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a roman citizen?" "i do!" "ok. you." "you had your hand up first." "death by torture!" "no. you?" "crucifixion!" "wrong." "they shove a living snake up your ass." "ah, no, but that's very creative." "uh, you." "they send you to the lions!" "right!" "no!" "what do you mean, no?" "he was right!" "[royal fanfare] ahh!" "ooh!" "it's the empress!" "it's nympho!" "move that miserable piece of shit!" "yay!" "yay!" "halt!" "stop." "could you please... step on the same foot at the same time?" "my tits are falling off!" "empress nympho!" "empress nympho!" "miriam, what are you doing here?" "vestal virgins aren't allowed outside the palace without an escort." "empress, this man just saved our lives, and now they want to kill him!" "we need your help!" "which one?" "the white guy or the colored guy?" "the colored--the slave." "please spare his life!" "perhaps you can use him at the palace." "he's truly gifted." "gifted. bob?" "yes, your highness." "oh, bob?" "do i have any openings that this man might fit?" "whoa!" "whoa!" "well, wecould use another wine steward." "i got a great corkscrew." "woo!" "woo!" "hey, this is a hip crowd." "all right." "we'll schlephim along!" "for the time being, we'll use him as a litter bearer." "oh, thank you, your highness!" "oh, good, oh, good!" "good work, good work!" "litter bearers, prepare to move!" "litter bearers, march!" "yay!" "yay!" "see you at the palace." "good-bye." "good-bye." "bye." "hey, we got to go." "we'll see you later." "bye-bye!" "[royal fanfare]" "all hail caesar, emperor of rome, monarch of the roman empire, ruler of the world!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail, caesar!" "hail-- [burp!" "]" "ohh...ohh... [bthht!" "]" "[fanfare] [pfftt!" "]" "all hail the commander of his majesty's roman legions, the brave and noble marcus vindictus, who returns to rome after winning a great victory over the cretins at sparta." "make that the spartans at crete!" "remember, thou art mortal." "remember, thou art mortal." "remember, thou art mortal." "remember, thou art mortal." "oh, blow it out your ass." "ohh!" "oh, caesar-- [burp!" "]" "i have brought your illustrious name before the earth." "i've subdued and conquered the barbaric hordes in the name of rome." "i've penetrated into the farthest-- what's under the sheet?" "sheet?" "sheet!" "sheet!" "oh!" "oh, the sheet, yes." "to begin with, number one-- a beautiful hand-carved alabaster... bathing vessel!" "nice." "nice." "not thrilling..." "but nice." "aha!" "but to fill the tub, behind curtain number two, treasure from the orient!" "[music playing] [applause] treasure... bathtub... treasure bath." "i'm going to have a treasure bath!" "treasure bath!" "treasure bath!" "ha ha ha!" "ha ha ha!" "do it!" "do it to me!" "ha ha ha!" "oh, nympho. i would do anything, anything if you would only grant me your favors." "how can i entice you?" "how can i ensnare you?" "what bait must i use to catch your love?" "i am your servant." "ah, but the servant waits while the master bathes." "yes-- hee hee hee" "ahh!" "ohh!" "here. wash this." "uh, yes, sire." "the muse...is upon me!" "thank you, caesar." "all be quiet!" "his divine immortality has consented to favor us with a new poem." "speak, oh, glorious caesar!" "speak." "you faggot!" "oh, yes, sire." "thank you." "bring me a small lyre." "small liar!" "i didn't do it!" "i wasn't even there!" "the check is in the mail!" "not that kind of liar!" "tmkd hnn audht!" "what?" "take him out!" "oh!" "miriam, wine!" "josephus, wine." "say when." "8:30." "it's so lonely at the top of olympus!" "more women!" "more wine!" "more" "ha ha ha!" "ok, faggot!" "what's next?" "comicus, the new standup philosopher from vesuvius." "good!" "i like a mountain comic!" "comicus... you're on." "[playinghooray for hollywood]" "good evening, ladies and emperors." "i just got back from venice, and, boy, are my arms tired." "[rimshots] [pfftt!" "] ha ha ha!" "venice is a very old city, very wonderful, ancient city." "you can learn a lot." "want to make a venetian blind?" "like this!" "ha ha ha!" "ha ha!" "have you all heard about this new sect, the christians?" "they are a laugh riot." "first, they are so poor... how poor are they?" "thank you." "they are so poor... that they have only one god!" "ha ha!" "ha ha!" "[rimshots] ho ho ho!" "we romans are rich." "we got a god for everything, only we don't have a god for premature ejaculation... but i hear that that's coming quickly." "ho ho!" "ho ho!" "ooh!" "the little fag gets it. ha ha!" "terrific." "terrific." "let's face it." "what's the rage?" "losing weight is all the rage." "everybody in rome is either in a steam room or a vomitarium." "half of rome is either cooking or puking!" "cooking or puking!" "ha ha ha!" "but you can't blame these people for wanting to be thin." "who wants to look like a big fat pig?" "oh!" "oh!" "did he say "big fat pig"?" "yes, he did, sire." "did he mean me?" "i believe so." "get off the fat jokes!" "get off fat!" "get off fat!" "f--no fat. n--no." "uh, there's two jews got off--no." "uh, syrian--[pfftt!" "]" "uh...no, uh... politics, politics, politics, politics!" "politics!" "yes!" "the roman senate." "the roman senate is the best legislature that money can buy!" "corruption starts in the streets with the little peddlers." "they bribe an assemblyman, he bribes a councilman, the councilman bribes a senator, and the senator... it goes all the way to the emperor!" "shit!" "kill him!" "taxi!" "wait!" "no autographs, no autographs!" "seize him!" "seize him!" "more wine!" "more wine." "[burp] boy, when you die at the palace, you really die aah!" "arrgh!" "aah!" "oops?" "aarrrrghhh!" "k... kill him, too!" "please, empress, save them!" "wait!" "ah!" "i've just had a wonderful idea!" "what was my idea?" "oh, yes!" "let these two fools fight each other to the death during dessert!" "ha ha ha!" "mmm!" "ha ha ha!" "we who are about to-- boo hoo hoo--die salute you!" "salute." "all right." "all right, i'm sorry." "i'm sorry." "excuse me." "thank you." "i never killed another human being in my life, but you got to start sometime!" "oooh!" "oooh!" "maniac!" "hey!" "wait!" "watch it!" "wait!" "isn't that lena horne over there?" "[laughter] ah!" "oh!" "oh, emperor, spare this poor man." "he has fought so bravely for your amusement." "let him... oh!" "oh!" "die." "oh!" "oh!" "tough shit." "oooh!" "please!" "oh, please, buddy." "ooh!" "ah ya ya ya ya!" "aah!" "easy!" "oh, i can't do it!" "take the shield." "we'll fight our way out." "guards, destroy them!" "you're the first white person i even considered liking." "oh, the tide is turning." "hold it right there." "in the name of caesar-- [whistles] the rope!" "aah!" "[emperor] no!" "your hands are cold!" "find them!" "capture them!" "kill them!" "[clucking] wash this!" "whoa!" "oh!" "oh!" "oh, it's you." "this way, men!" "all right!" "forget that shit." "i almost fell." "virgins, fall out!" "oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "competence, oh, competence, tell me." "what will happen to those two rogues when they are caught?" "if they're captured, they're hung." "not necessarily." "my goodness!" "where are you leading me?" "to the reviewing stand." "you must choose your escorts for the midnight orgy." "send them in." "quickly, march!" "arms rest!" "very nice selection." "i'm going to start on this end." "hmmm." "## yes!" "## ## no, no, no, no, no, no ## ## yes!" "no, no, no, no, no, no ## ## yes, no, no, yes ## ## no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes!" "## ## no, no, no, no, no, no, yes!" "## ## no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ## ## no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ##" "wait a minute!" "## yes!" "#### ole!" "that'll be all." "quick time harch!" "i love quick time harch." "where are we?" "don't worry." "who's that?" "quick. hide behind the drape." "i liked your choices." "you made some very big decisions." "thank you." "stick together." "they couldn't have gotten far." "halt!" "all right, virgins, put on your "no entry" signs." "[giggling] we are about to confront...guys!" "how dare you?" "no men may search the empress' quarters." "as you wish." "you're beautiful when you-- shove it!" "speak up, mucus!" "eunuch." "[speaking italian] ...caca." "what?" "that slave over there." "he looks rather puny." "when eunuchs are castrated, don't they become enormous?" "it's josephus, your wine steward." "please help him." "[coughs] you have to give him some time." "he has just been snipped." "ooh!" "oh!" "if he is truly a eunuch like the others, there would be no harm to take the test." "test?" "test?" "[high voice] test?" "hmpf!" "test." "eunuchs!" "come down here." "let us have caladonia do her highly erotic temple dance in praise of eros." "and if all these creatures are indeed eunuchs... hmm hmm hmm!" "then nothing should arise." "get it?" "[bang] [whimper] caladonia!" "caladonia!" "let's make their big heads so hard!" "he's a eunuch." "yeah." "he is a eunuch." "he's dead." "he'll never survive!" "ooh!" "oh!" "oh!" "the jig is up!" "and gone!" "after him!" "go on, men, get him!" "quick." "back through the corridor." "he's heading for the senate." "we can meet him near the cloak room." "in pectorum, quid pro quo." "in pecuniam, sic transit gloria." "i didn't know gloria was sick." "where is he?" "don't worry." "he has to come this way." "he should have been here." "the senate is in session." "all fellow members of the roman senate, hear me." "shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich, or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build housing for the poor?" "how does the senate vote?" "fuck the poor!" "good." "oh!" "josephus." "the man was dead when i got there, i swear!" "where you been?" "who was dead?" "how do we get out of here?" "put this on." "i'll find swiftus then meet you at the theater." "the theater just across from the baths." "good-bye." "stop with the good-byes!" "if we do escape, will you come with us?" "of course." "of course." "of course!" "good-bye." "of course!" "she's coming with us!" "she's coming with us." "there's some of the senators." "right behind these guys." "here we go." "bullshit." "bullshit." "give to oedipus!" "[bang] give to oedipus!" "[bang] hey, josephus!" "hey, motherfucker." "## funkytown ## ## won't you take me to ## ## funkytown?" "## ## won't you take me to ## ## funkytown?" "####" "they should have been here over 30 grains ago!" "what could be keeping them?" "i don't know." "there they are!" "come on!" "come on." "now, hurry." "walk this way." "hurry. get into these trojan costumes." "...punching a hole in the left." "keep punching a hole in the right." "keep punching a hole, let's fight!" "relax. casual." "casual." "no matter what happens, don't panic." "don't panic." "keep punching a hole in the left." "keep punching a hole in the right." "there they are!" "panic!" "oh!" "aah!" "keep punching a hole in the left." "keep punching a hole... captain mucus!" "let's get after them." "you take the left flank." "[bang] don't you know your left flank from your right flank?" "i flunked flank." "get the funk out of here." "here." "this way." "chemist, help me." "i'm looking for a pack of trojans." "gee, i just ran out." "captain mucus." "captain mucus, have you found anything?" "nothing, commander, nothing!" "search all the marketplaces, the square." "half you men search that area over there." "and the others will run with mucus." "we've got to get out of rome." "but how?" "the streets are crawling with soldiers." "oh, we'll never get out of rome." "only a miracle can save us." "neigh!" "miracle!" "miracle!" "miracle!" "neigh!" "we must get to that wagon." "wait here." "[whinny] come on." "hurry!" "aha!" "no, you don't!" "ha ha!" "ha ha ha!" "oh, my god!" "i'm fighting with cardboard!" "good-bye, head!" "hello, balls!" "oh!" "ah!" "oh!" "ahh haa haa!" "come on, comicus!" "waa!" "hurry, take off!" "let's go, miracle!" "what-- commander." "where are they?" "[high voice] get the horses!" "get the chariots." "get the men." "onward!" "get me an ice pack." "hurry!" "where you going?" "i don't know!" "uh-oh." "here come the bad guys." "come on, miracle, hurry." "they're gaining on us." "hurry!" "come on, miracle." "go, boy!" "come on!" "we're gaining on them!" "they're gaining on us!" "come on, miracle!" "go, boy, go!" "stretch out those long white legs!" "we're pulling away!" "we're losing them!" "ya!" "ya!" "quickly!" "go to the left!" "go to the right!" "stop!" "i smell something familiar!" "yes!" "yes!" "i got an idea!" "pull over!" "pull over!" "i knew i smelled something." "are you crazy?" "they're right behind us!" "the nose knows." "what the heck is he-- why is he picking flowers?" "roman red." "roman red?" "a whole field of wacky weed." "he's picking weeds!" "papyrus." "rolling papyrus." "paper!" "paper!" "what kind of paper?" "like this?" "that's good." "e-z widers. these people don't know the value." "josephus, hurry!" "hold this." "yes, indeed!" "they'll be here any minute!" "not to worry." "we are now armed with mighty joint." "mighty joint?" "let's go, miracle!" "hurry!" "you've got to catch them!" "quickly!" "after them!"