"( theme song playing )" "CARTER:" "* Let's take a boat to Bermuda *" "* Let's take a trip to St. Paul *" "* Let's take a kayak to Quincy or Nyack *" "Carter!" "* Let's get away from it all. *" "Will you stop that singing, please?" "How can I write to this bird about how miserable I am, if you're going to sound so bloody happy?" "And with that voice, you shouldn't sing where there's open food." "Oh, you're both just jealous of my assignment." "(laughs) Did you hear that?" "He says we're jealous 'cause he's going into town." "That's a laugh." "The woods are filled with SS men." "Right, and you're going to have to walk through two feet of snow in freezing weather." "And for what?" "To meet a girl from the Dutch underground?" "Who cares if she's a beautiful dancer at the Hausnerhof." "Right, LeBeau?" "Let's break both his legs." "I'll go along with that." "You didn't fool me for one minute." "Hey, Newkirk, where do you keep the old shaving lotion?" "Not a chance, Andrew." "Hey." "Carter, you're still here." "I'm just about ready to go, Colonel." "He tried to borrow some of my after-shave lotion." "Use some of mine;" "it's in my footlocker." "Thanks, Colonel." "Hey, LeBeau, what are you cooking?" "Coq au vin." "Mmm." "You know, with the food shortage," "Carter would probably have a better chance if he rubbed his face with garlic." "Message from London, sir." "An all-out air strike is on the way." "What's the target?" "It's Mount Hoffenstein Pass." "It's just outside Hammelburg." "General Strommberger's Third Panzer Division is moving up." "They're going to try to knock it out." "Does that mean Carter can't go into town?" "Not with all that bombing going on." "(humming)" "What's that for?" "I want to get a picture of Carter's face when he hears the news that he can't go into town to see that bird." "You English are cruel." "Right." "We still have the hangmen, you know." "That's great-smelling stuff, Colonel, not that I'm going to need it." "Uh, I'm afraid I have bad news, Carter." "The assignment's off." "What?" "!" "Got it for posterity." "Thanks, pal." "Sorry, Carter, but a big air raid is on the way." "Maybe I can make it into town before the raid." "You'd be killed by the bombs on the way back." "Yeah, but if things go the way I planned, who cares?" "( shuddering )" "Well, look who's here." "Rudolph the red-nosed Kraut." "What's the matter, Schultz?" "You look like a fat Popsicle." "Please, boys, no jokes." "You're looking at a very sick man." "I have a terrible... ( sneezes ) ...chest cold." "Why don't you go on sick call?" "The doctor doesn't want to see me." "He's afraid he'll catch my cold." "And the weatherman said there will be more snow." "That's a blessing in disguise, Schultz." "You'll be able to get used to the weather before they transfer you to the Russian front." "Oh, you English are so cruel." "They still have the hangmen, you know." "Oh, Cockroach." "Could you make me a mustard plaster?" "There is not that much mustard in Germany." "Oh, Cockroach, please." "You are looking at a dying man." "Schultz, he'll make it for you." "Oh, thank you, Colonel Hogan." "Would you believe it?" "I can't even smell what you're cooking." "It's coq au vin." "(gasps)" "Oh, my favorite." "Oh, please, rub a little sauce on the mustard plaster." "(chuckles)" "And throw a few slices of chicken on it, too." "And Colonel Hogan, please," "Commandant Klink wants to see you in the office." "Yeah, tell him I'll be right there, Schultz." "Ooh." "( wind howling )" "There's a bad break." "With that weather outside, they're going to have to scrub the mission." "Well, what about that Panzer division, sir?" "Maybe the underground could help." "Why don't I go in town, see that dancer?" "In this weather?" "You'll freeze to death." "It's better than never to have loved at all." "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in, come in." "You wanted to see me, Commandant?" "Yes, Hogan, I would like you and your men to volunteer for an assignment." "What kind of an assignment?" "One of our trucks is buried in the snow, and we need someone to shovel it out." "Why don't you order your men to do it?" "Because my men are guarding your men, and it is very difficult to hold a gun and a shovel at the same time." "It's no problem." "We'll hold their guns for them." "I'm not in the mood for the Hogan wit." "I'm merely asking your men to shovel snow." "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to refuse." "My men can't handle the change in temperature." "It isn't that cold outside." "Well, I know." "They can't stand the drop in temperature when they get back inside." "Dismissed, Hogan." "Uh, of course, if you'd like to throw in new overcoats, new jackets, new woolen pants..." "Oh, I suppose you'd like to have them tailor-made." "Oh, no, we're not fancy." "We'll just take them right off the rack." "Dismissed, Hogan." "( knock at door )" "Come in, come in." "Herr Kommandant, a General Strommberger to see you." "(sniffles) General Strommberger?" "I thought he was with the 442nd Artillery Division." "Oh, that's Bromberger." "Strommberger's with the Third Panzer Division." "Ah, General Strommberger." "How nice to see you." "Who is he, your information officer?" "I'm Colonel Hogan, one of the prisoners, sir." "I'm Sergeant Schultz." "Schultz!" "Dismissed, and take Hogan with you." "Nice meeting you, General." "Your prisoners seem to be well informed, Colonel." "Oh, not at all, Herr General." "The only information they get is from our Propaganda Ministry." "Then how did he know that I was commander of the Third Panzer Division?" "Oh, rumors." "You know guards, how they gossip." "Well, then I'll give them something better to do." "The road to Hammelburg has been closed by the snow." "I need your men to clear it for my Panzers." "(chuckling):" "Oh, that's impossible." "What do you mean, "impossible"?" "Well, it would not give me enough guards to guard my prisoners." "Then get your prisoners to clear the road." "I'm afraid that can't be done, sir." "STROMMBERGER ( over intercom ):" "And just why can't you order your prisoners to clear the road?" "KLINK:" "It's against the Geneva Convention to force them to work." "Then offer them extra rations." "I'm afraid they don't like the food." "How do they feel about being shot?" "KLINK ( over intercom ):" "Oh, I never asked them that." "That Strommberger's a nasty one, isn't he?" "Not exactly Smilin' Jack." "I want that Hammelburg road cleared by your prisoners or by your guards." "If those Panzers get through, they could wipe out a whole division." "There may be a way to stop them." "Where are you going, Colonel?" "Volunteer us for some snow shoveling." "Klink, I don't think they would be too happy in Berlin if I report that you are coddling your prisoners here." "(chuckling):" "Me?" "Coddling prisoners?" "I run the only POW camp where the barracks are colder than the cooler." "Excuse me, General." "I just wanted to tell Colonel Klink... my men are interested in making a deal to shovel the snow from that buried truck, sir." "What kind of a deal?" "An extra blanket per man." "Agreed." "Never mind the truck!" "I need the men to clear the road." "Can you meet his deal?" "Of course" " I'll give you the blankets and long underwear." "I'll give you long underwear, blankets and a basket of fresh fruit." "How about three bottles of Liebfraumilch?" "I give you..." "Klink!" "You will have your men ready to leave for town in a half hour!" "Don't forget our deal." "STROMMBERGER:" "Colonel Hogan." "Your deal is if your men do not clear the road, they will be shot." "I don't remember that part of it." "(assorted shouting)" "GUARD:" "I will tell you when to get into the truck." "Come on!" "Stand back, now stand back." "Line up and turn around!" "Hands up!" "Now turn around!" "BAKER:" "Somebody must have given him Heinrich Himmler pill." "GUARD:" "How would you like to be shot as an escaping prisoner?" "Not necessarily." "All we want to do is get in the truck." "It's bloody freezing out here." "If you're looking for a cigarette, pal," "I think they're in my other pants pocket." "One more attempt at bribery, and I will turn you in." "He's a jolly fellow, isn't he?" "I think he's bucking for president of Martin Bormann Fan Club." "What is in that bag?" "Sandwiches and hot coffee." "By order of Commandant Klink." "All right." "Everybody into the truck." "Come on!" "All right, don't push!" "( men yelling ) Come on!" "All right, all right." "Raus, schnell!" "Come on." "Schnell!" "Hey, watch it!" "Knock it off." "You bloody Kraut." "Hope you lose." "You twerps!" "Filthy Boche!" "Boy, it's a good thing you weren't holding that bag of explosives." "Carter!" "I'm sorry." "Why don't you go on the Berlin radio and broadcast the news." "Well, I said I was sorry." "Here, I'll hold the goodies." "Come on." "Do you think there's enough explosives to stop the Panzer division?" "No, that would take at least a truckload." "All we have to do is stop the lead Panzers." "That'll block the pass." "GUARD:" "Achtung!" "Now what?" "Everybody out of the truck." "Leave everything inside." "There's been a change of plans." "You will go in another truck." "The equipment will come in this one." "Now out you walk!" "Heraus!" "NEWKIRK:" "Oh, blimey." "Hey, that's our lunch!" "Now it is my lunch." "( can and bag clanking )" "Hey, what's the matter with you?" "Uh... nothing, it's just cold." "Just stay there." "The other truck will pick you right up." "There almost wasn't anything left of us." "What happens when he opens that bag?" "You know, I somehow don't think that... ( truck engine starts )" "...that he will." "You know what I mean?" "Well, there goes our truck." "There go my explosives." "There goes a wonderful guy." "( explosion )" "There goes our lunch." "SCHULTZ:" "All right, everybody!" "Out, out, out, out, out, out!" "Come on out, schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell." "Out, out, out, everybody out!" "(groaning)" "Come on, everybody, out!" "Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!" "Hey, look!" "Hey, Schultz, is that true-- dancing every night?" "That's right!" "This week, we are dancing to the music of Bertha Baumgarten and her All-Girl Orchestra." "Sounds like a swinging band, Schultz." "Oh, when Bertha blows "Melancholy Baby" on her trumpet she drives me out of my mind!" "Any chance that we stay and see the show?" "Absolutely not." "We are going to stay at the Hofbrau only until the pick and shovels arrive." "Now, into the Hofbrau-- raus, raus, raus, raus!" "All right, all right, we're going, we're going." "( Carter shuddering )" "I'm freezing." "Hi." "( men greet woman )" "Hey, look, Colonel, the girls left their instruments." "Hey, we could have a little jam session." "Not now, Carter;" "come on over here." "Carter!" "Put the horn down, huh." "It's my instrument." "Just one lick, Colonel." "( spirals loud and out of key )" "Hey, they're playing our song." "My lips still have that old magic." "Oh, boy, could I go on now, Carter?" "Yes, sir." "Thank you." "Now that we've lost our explosives, the only chance we have to stall those Panzer divisions is to do a lousy job at clearing that pass." "Well, if you don't mind me saying so, sir, you couldn't pick a better group to do a lousy job." "Yeah, I've never been much for shoveling snow." "In my house, the nanny always did the shoveling." "At my house, it was the chauffeur." "I knew I could count on you boys." "SCHULTZ:" "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "Gather around, boys." "The commandant would like to have a... a word with you." "( sneezes ) Gesundheit, Schultz." "Thank you, Colonel." "Now, I've got good news and bad news for you." "Tell us the good news first, sir." "CARTER:" "I've always liked to hear the bad news first." "Yeah, I agree with Carter." "I'd rather hear the bad news first, too." "Now, wait a minute." "I'm a good-news- first" man myself." "CARTER:" "All right, let's be democratic." "We'll take a vote on it." "Everybody that wants to hear the bad news first?" "Everybody who wants to hear the good news first?" "Uh-huh." "What am I doing?" "I decide what I give you first." "Oh, what's it going to be, sir?" "The good news first." "And what's the good news?" "The snowplows have arrived, and your men will not have to go to work." "What's the bad news?" "I caught Schultz's cold." "( sneezes )" "What happened to "Gesundheit"?" "I'm sorry, sir" " Gesundheit." "You think more of Schultz's health than mine?" "Well,Herr Kommandant," "I have always been closer to the prisoners." "Actually, we figured any germ in its right mind would never have the nerve to attack you, sir." "Schultz, load the men into the truck and take them back to camp." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "( sneezes )" "PRISONERS:" "Gesundheit!" "I didn't hear you, Schultz." "Well, you haven't exactly been showering Schultz with the "Gesundheits" either, sir." "( grunts )" "All right, fellas, let's go, let's go." "Let's go, come on.." "NEWKIRK:" "All right then." "What now, sir?" "We've got to think of a way to stay in town." "How about slashing the tires?" "No, too many trucks." "SCHULTZ:" "Colonel Hogan!" "Please, come on, let's go." "NEWKIRK:" "In his truck." "In the truck, please!" "CARTER:" "Hey, look!" "Look at that icicle." "Carter, don't touch it." "All that snow might fall off the roof." "Yeah, Baker's right." "Colonel Klink!" "Yes, what is it, Hogan?" "I think you better have a look at this, sir." "What do you want, Hogan?" "!" "Just this, sir." "I wanted you to see how dangerous it was with all that snow on the roof, but now there's no problem." "( sneezes )" "Gesundheit, Herr Kommandant." "I'll see you back at camp." "But Commandant, you're not going back to camp in those wet clothes, are you?" "Colonel Hogan's right, sir." "With your cold, it could be dangerous." "I think you have a good point there, Sergeant Baker." "Slightest chill, sir, could mean pneumonia." "Yes, yes, I do feel a chill." "I think it's walking pneumonia." "Me?" "Walking pneumonia?" "You're walking, aren't you?" "That's the first sign of it." "It's no more "Gesundheits."" "It's "auf Wiedersehen."" "( shrieks softly )" "I do feel a fever coming on." "Schultz, I think you better get the commandant to a hotel room." "You should be in bed walking around." "Yes, Colonel Hogan." "HOGAN:" "Two aspirin every four hours with plenty of liquid." "And stay by his bedside." "You're very kind, Hogan." "That's all right, sir-- and don't worry about us." "We'll just spend the night here at the Hofbrau." "You know, Schultz, when you have a man like that for an enemy, you don't need any friends." "NEWKIRK:" "Beautifully handled, sir." "Yeah, we still have to come up with a plan on how to stop those Panzers at the pass." "Well, we can think about it tonight while we're dancing to the music of Bertha Baumgarten and her All-Girl Orchestra." "There won't be any dancing, Carter;" "the place is closed on Mondays." "Hey, maybe one of us could go out and change the road sign, sir." "That'd reroute the Panzers." "Newkirk, the Panzers don't read road signs." "They got maps." "CARTER:" "Hey, I got it, Colonel." "What is it, Carter?" "I contact that dancer at the Hausnerhof." "She gets a message to the underground;" "they get a message to London;" "then they could send over a squadron of bombers as soon as the pass is cleared and the Panzers come through." "Carter, the reason they're not sending the bombers now is the weather's too bad." "Why don't I wait in her dressing room till the weather changes?" "Oh, that could be spring." "I get lucky, spring will be a little late this year." "It stopped snowing, Colonel." "HOGAN:" "Oh, swell." "I was hoping the storm might slow down the snowplows." "Why couldn't I go out, Colonel, disguised as a mechanic?" "Yeah, check on those snowplows." "See, I could foul the plugs, see, and then they couldn't get them started, and then the pass would be blocked, and the Panzers couldn't come through." "Carter, it's five miles to the pass and back." "In this weather, you'd be frozen stiff." "Well, I thought about that, sir." "(clears throat) I thought what I might do is I might drop by that old Hausnerhof." "I'm sure that dancer has a heater in her dressing room." "I don't know about the rest of you, but he's driving me bloody crackers." "SCHULTZ:" "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "Don't tell me Klink got out of his deathbed." "General Strommberger wants to have a word with you." "Who cares?" "Please, boys, do me a favor just once and line up here, please." "NEWKIRK:" "What's the lineup for?" "Oh, "What's the lineup for?"" "Please, Newkirk." "Whatever I ask of you people, you never do anything for me." "I'm doing it, I'm doing it." "Achtung!" "Chain these men together." "( all express awe )" "HOGAN:" "Just a minute, General." "That's a violation of the Geneva Convention." "We're a volunteer work unit." "I am not interested in the Geneva Convention." "If any of you made an attempt to escape, my guards would not be able to shoot you." "So far, I'm with you, General." "But why not?" "I have relieved my men of their guns." "We have a report of a threat of an avalanche in Hofenstein Pass." "The slightest noise could trigger it." "What?" "I mean... ( screams ):" "What?" "!" "It would take more than that, Corporal." "(chuckles)" "Sergeant Schultz, you are responsible for these men." "Jawohl, General." "HOGAN:" "Come on, Schultz, you've got to be kidding with these hokey chains." "Oh, Colonel Hogan," "I'm a simple sergeant who obeys orders." "Yeah, well, take these chains off, and that's an order!" "Newkirk, I'm in enough trouble with General Strommberger!" "Imagine, I had to come all the way to Germany to be in a chain gang." "Baker's right." "We're ruddy convicts." "( sighs )" "We got to figure a way to start that avalanche." "If we could only get off these chains." "All right, don't panic;" "we'll think of something." "Hey, what about this cigarette lighter?" "Oh, that won't give enough heat to melt these chains." "( starts playing loudly )" "Hold it, Carter, we're trying to think of something, huh?" "Sorry." "What I meant, maybe we could start a fire over by that wall, and it'd melt the shackle off." "It'd be a little obvious, wouldn't it-- five guys running down the street chained together?" "( resumes spiraling )" "Carter!" "You heard the Colonel." "You know you can't play that thing." "Wait a minute, hold it, hold it." "We might be able to use Hot Lips here." "Well, aside from driving the enemy insane, what do you have in mind, sir?" "To trigger that avalanche." "Hey, that's a good idea." "Carter, can you blow a high C?" "Are you kidding?" "A lot of people say" "I play the trumpet a lot like Armstrong." "Louis or Jack?" "Just listen to this." "Now, now, hold it, Satchmo." "I think that'll do it." "However... let's have a little jam session." "LeBeau, take the piano." "Right." "Hey, I'll handle the bass, sir." "I'll handle the drums-- Newkirk, you play anything?" "Uh... yes, sir." "I'll play the leader." "If you'll follow me, gentlemen." "Follow me." "LeBEAU:" "Am I going to be the last one?" "NEWKIRK:" "Right, all move together." "All we need's Snow White." "( laughter, overlapping speaking )" "This is fun, isn't it?" "There we go." "All right, let's do "Cherokee," huh?" "Yeah, I used to get a lot of requests for that." "Oh, swell." "We'll do it in B-flat." "I got the first four." "Newkirk?" "All right, gentlemen." "Two for free, and away we go-- one, two, a-one, two, three, four." "( playing high-pitched and off-key )" "All right now." "( band plays enthusiastically )" "Higher!" "( driving drum solo )" "( drums echoing )" "( all play loud big finale )" "( shatters )" "SCHULTZ:" "What's going on?" "What's going on?" "!" "Oh, hi, Schultz; we were just having a jam session." "Would you like to have a little dance, Schultz?" "The next one's going to be a waltz." "Please, will you stop it?" "The general..." "STROMMBERGER:" "Achtung!" "Achtung!" "Put down those instruments!" "( instruments clattering )" "We were just rehearsing for the POW prom." "( all agree )" "Hey, if you're going to be in town that day, stop by." "We're all going to be stag." "I know exactly what your little plan was, Colonel Hogan, but you did not trigger the avalanche." "All you did was break the window, for which you will reimburse the management." "Does the general have any requests at all, sir?" "We have a lovely arrangement of "Deutschland Über Alles."" "You may get that opportunity sooner than you think." "Sergeant Schultz..." "Jawohl!" "Load these men in the truck and take them back to the camp." "Jawohl, General!" "HOGAN:" "Well, we tried." "Oh, please, boys, get into the truck, or General Strommberger is going to shoot me." "He can't do that, Schultz." "Nobody's got any guns." "Oh, I never thought of that." "Now's a good time to tell him what you think of him." "Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!" "Raus, raus, raus, raus, raus." "Let's go to the truck." "Let's go, let's go!" "Can't you make it faster?" "Come on, come on, come on!" "All right." "Cold." "NEWKIRK:" "Look who's coming." "Colonel Klink, what are you doing out of that sick bed?" "Please, Hogan..." "There's nothing wrong with Colonel Klink." "Right, Klink?" "Right, Herr General." "I have never felt better in my life." "( sneezes )" "Klink!" "You fool!" "Look what you've... ( loud rumbling )" "I think they're playing our song." "Klink, you hear that?" "You have triggered the avalanche!" "But, General, I... ( sneezes )" "I didn't mean it, Herr General." "Just a minute, Colonel." "You owe the general one "Gesundheit."" "( grunts )" "SCHULTZ:" "Raus, everybody, raus." "And don't take all day to do it." "Well, don't rush us, Schultz." "We don't even have to shovel this stuff." "NEWKIRK:" "Hey, and another thing, Schultzy-- according to the Geneva Convention, prisoners do not have to go out in the snow unless they want to play with it." "And the only reason we're out here is because it's warmer than the barracks." "They're right, Schultz." "I think you ought to apologize." "All right, all right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" "I'm just obeying orders!" "KLINK:" "Schultz!" "Oh, what does he want?" "Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "What is it?" "Schultz, get some aspirin from the dispensary immediately." "Oh, then you noticed, huh?" "Noticed what?" "My heavy eyes and my runny nose." "They're for me, stupid." "( mumbling ):" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Colonel... after you get that aspirin, you ought to go to bed, sir." "Hogan, I don't see you wearing a medical insignia." "Just trying to help." "You better get rid of that cold." "You don't want to start another avalanche." "I didn't start the avalanche, Hogan." "I shouldn't have mentioned it." "General Strommberger probably gave you a good going-over." "Hogan, the general knows as well as I do, you cannot start an avalanche with a sneeze." "Dismissed!" "Okay." "( sneezes )" "Gesundheit."