"Kevin Smith!" "Kevin Smith!" "Thanks for coming to Canada there, Mr. Smith, eh?" "I'm here as Buddy Christ." "On the way over here to get tickets, I got bitten by a dog." "I love you, Kevin Smith." "You're awesome, Kevin." "But we came here to see you." "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing my dad, Kevin Smith." "Oh, Canada." "Oh, Canada." "I fucking love me some Canadians, sir." "I really, really do." "I fucking love this country." "I would..." "Don't." "No, don't, don't." "No, believe me, I'll be patronizing later on." "Right now I just want to be confessional more than anything else." "I always felt like I was kind of born a bit too far south." "I do dig this country quite a bit." "And I don't fucking say that because of the recent election." "That seems to be in vogue, to be like, "Oh, fuck the States." "Canada, eh?" "They let gays get married, and Bush is not the president."" "But..." "But that shit doesn't matter to me so much because I could..." "I survived four years of Bush." "I could survive another four years." "I survived Bennifer." "I can..." "Bush has nothing on fucking Bennifer, I assure you." "But it is a country that I've always fucking loved and I've often thought about moving up here because you guys are, like..." "Flat out, you're the girl next door, right?" "And who doesn't wanna fuck the girl next door?" "Especially when she's anal as well, so..." "You are the three-input woman next door." ""That's it, we're leaving." You know." "But I can't." "I can't fucking make the commitment to move up here and there's two words, really, that kind of sum it all up and that is:" "Tim fucking Hortons." "True story." "Because I've been here now for..." "You know, I came up a week ago." "I mean, a month ago, for one week, and then I came back." "I've been here for about two weeks, and when I got here, I was like I'm gonna stay all fucking low-carb and shit, and I'm gonna just eat..." "Because, you know, I'm from the land..." "U.S.A., United States of Atkins, and..." "So I'm like, "I'm gonna stay low-carb and shit because I've got the show and I wanna be as trim as fucking possible."" "And then they put me in a goddamn hotel where right across the street there's a Tim Hortons." "And I'd just look at my window and be like, "That fucker's open 24 hours."" "Because I'm a fucking man of strength." "Like, I..." "You know I will never cheat on my wife but I will cheat on a fucking diet like you wouldn't believe." "So I just sit there and fight myself, fight myself, fight myself and finally I was like, "Oh, fuck it." "Double Double and 30 Timbits."" "And that's why I'll be wearing the coat all night long." "Always helpful to have the fucking people in the back looking at you all night going, "God, he is fat from behind." "He is literally wearing a spare tire around his middle."" "So the first question of the night sets the entire evening up." "No pressure whatsoever." "It's actually two things." " Two questions?" " Two questions, if that's all right." "Sir, you're playing on my sympathies, aren't you?" "My name's Andre, I'm an actor, comedian and writer and people always try to get me to dance too." "My first question is..." "Well, I'm currently writing a screenplay now and I've been having major..." "Major writer's block for the longest time." "I was wondering if you ever had writer's block and what you did to deal with it?" "Have I ever had writer's block?" "Yeah, a little bit." "I just basically don't have writer's block, I get writer's laze." "Where I just don't..." ""Why should I write?" You know?" "Pretty much." "Let's see how many Law  Orders are on today." "I do, basically, because I would rather sit there and watch Hang 'Em High McCoy throw, you know, another scumbag murderer in jail than create shit." "I wanna be entertained sometimes where it's just like, "Yeah, good, burn him." "Fucking burn him!" "Send him to the goddamn chair." "Murder one, eh?" You know." "And then my wife's like, "The mortgage is due."" "I'm like, "Oh, shit."" ""Jay and Bob say something remotely witty." You know." "Back to Law  Order." "So I will..." "I'll just kind of veg out and sit in front of the TV for a while." "And it's not so much writer's block where I'm like, "I have nothing."" "It's just this kind of place where I'm like, "I don't wanna do nothing."" "And I've only really had it maybe once." "I was working on the Six Million Dollar Man screenplay eons ago like in 1995, and there was this..." "We were working at Universal on Mallrats, kind of." "And..." "Don't." "And basically, somebody..." "One of the producers, Jim Jackson was just like, "Hey, Six Million Dollar Man is up for grabs." "They wanna do a feature version." "Did you ever watch it?"" "And I was like, "I did watch that show."" "And he was just like, "You wanna write it?"" "And I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Not really, but..." "But it would be awesome to get the job," you know." "Like, that's basically what it is for me." "It's not doing the work, it's just having somebody go:" ""You, sir, are good enough."" "And then I'm like, "Oh, phenomenal, thank you."" "And then I fucking fight it the whole way home." "Green Hornet, perfect example." "It was nice to have somebody say:" ""You, sir, are good enough to make a comic-book movie."" "And I was like, "Tremendous." And I sign the contract and I was like, "Wait." "What?" "Do it?"" "So that kind of happened with The Six Million Dollar Man and there were just days where I was like:" ""I don't know what the fuck Steve Austin does."" "You know, what does he do?" "He's fucking..." "He wakes up, and he watches Law  Order." "Because I don't live the Steve Austin life and I'm used to writing where I just kind of take pages out of my own daily life." "But I am not bionic by any stretch of the imagination." "Not even remotely athletic, you know." "So I would be totally blocked writing that and it really started to show." "Like, I'd hand Mosier over some pages to read..." "Scott Mosier, my producer." " And I was like, "What do you think?"" "And he was just like:" ""Well, in this scene here, the big action sequence you have Steve Austin hiding behind a rock."" "And I was just like, "Dude's gotta hide sometimes."" "I mean, it's not always:" "You know, sometimes..." "Sometimes he's gotta be on the down-low and shit." "And Mosier's like, "And he's fighting 20 ninjas?"" "I was like, "Not good?" "Bionic ninjas?"" "So that one, it took me a long time to fucking write the script for." "And I pitched it to one team of execs who were then replaced by another team of execs and then, by the time I turned in my script that second team of execs had been replaced by another team of execs." "So I turned in my script to people going, "Are you kidding?" "This is your idea for a Six Million Dollar Man movie?" "Motherfucker loses a leg and an arm you give him robotics, and he hides behind a fucking rock?"" "And I was like, "Well, the first people really liked that idea."" "So, you know, it fucking never got made." "That was the last time I really got blocked." "Ever since then, it's just kind of laze." "Because TV is kind of my kryptonite." "Where it's like, if it goes on, suddenly I'm like, "I don't wanna create." "I just wanna be entertained and shit like that."" "And having a kid, you watch a lot more TV than you normally watched..." "Excuse me." " Before, because back in the day, it was just like  Degrassi fucking reruns on tape and shit like that." "Don't, I'm not..." "I'm not pandering, that's true." "And watch the fucking Simpsons, and then..." "And porn, so..." "But later in life, with a kid the kid has all sorts of programs that she likes to watch and then you're kind of forced to watch them as well." "And sometimes they're fucking insanely bad and really tough to sit through." "There's this one fucking program she was watching the other day and she was going to school..." "She watches TV before she goes school." " And I was..." "You know, went down there to say goodbye." "I was, "Well, how you rolling?" "What's this?"" "And she's like, "This is Rainbow Fish."" "And I said, "What's it about?"" "And she kind of looked at me like:" ""Are you fucking retarded?" "The title pretty much says it all."" "And I peeped it out, and she was right, you know." "It really is literally about a bunch of multi-colored fish." "And they go to school because, you know, fish travel in schools and shit." "And that was the height of their fucking imagination." "Just, "Let's put the rainbow-colored fish in school and fucking nobody's watching, do it."" "So I was like, "Can't we watch something else?" "Let's pop in some fucking Sponge Bob."" "She's like, "No, Rainbow Fish!" "Rainbow Fish!"" "Because she was heading to school, so she wanted to see what they did and then she'd take it to school with her and pretend to be a blue carp or something like that, I don't know." "I don't know what goes through her head." "But then there's some shit she watches where I'll get roped in." "Like, at first, I'm like, "This is fucking dog shit."" "But then you're like, "This is actually pretty good."" "And the fucking show that she really turned me on to was this show called Dora the Explorer." "Which is an amazing fucking show if you're really stoned." "Because it's all about this little Mexican girl who hangs out with a monkey who wears boots." "Who is named, ironically enough, Boots." "And she got a backpack on because presumably she's fucking trafficking hashish across the border." "And they bomb around looking for very simple things, in order to get to a goal." "They gotta find three things and fucking get somewhere." "And the only impediment through the whole process is a little..." "A little..." "What is he?" " A fox." "He's a little fox." "You know what I'm talking about." "A little fox named Swiper, thank you." "Exactly, the kid's name is Swiper." "He's a little fox and you know he's the bad guy because he wears a mask." "So Swiper periodically will bomb in on the kids and try to fuck with their day." "And basically it's one of these interactive shows where you gotta yell at the screen and shit." "Dora's ever asking for your help because she's so fucking hapless she can't do shit by herself." "So you sit there, watching, and periodically she'll be like, "Boots, we need to find the red berries," you know." "Boots is like, "I agree, I agree."" "But, you know, whatever." "And then they'll say, "Can you see the red berries?"" "And then me and kid sit there and, you know, we see the red berries and we're like, "Yeah." "Bitch, don't you?" "They're behind you." "Turn around."" "That's my take." "My kid is just like:" ""They're behind you, Dora!"" "I just look at her like, "Jesus Christ, kid." "Don't buy into this." "They are patronizing you."" ""Can you see the berries?"" "And then you're like, "Right behind you."" "And then she goes, "What?" "They're where?"" "And you're like, "Right behind you!"" "And she's like, "They're right behind us?"" "And you're like, "Yeah!"" "Which, as an adult, straight, you're just like:" "But if you're stoned which I have been upon viewings you're there, you are in the fucking show." "You're having a discourse with Dora." "Dora's just like, "Help me out, Kev."" "I'm like, "Right on." "Where are the berries?" "You're hungry too, aren't you, Dora?" "Oh, I could go for some berries." "With mayonnaise." "For some reason."" "But periodically, fucking Swiper will bomb in and shit and just try to fuck with your day." "And he's going for the berries as well." "So it's this race against time between you, Dora and Boots and Swiper." "And she'll say, like:" ""I think Swiper may be around." "Do you see him?"" "And he pops up, and in the audience, you're like:" ""Oh, Jesus, he's there!" "He's there!" "He's behind you!"" "And, you know, "Is he to the right?"" ""No, he's behind you!"" "And "Is he...?" "Yes, he's behind you!"" "And how they stop him is rather ingenious." "Because, me, it would just be like:" "Or a fox trap, you know, or..." "Kill him and wear him." "Or at that point, I'm so stoned, eat the fucking fox." "Mask and all." "But how they stop him is rather ingenious and it's a bizarre lesson to teach to kids because it really doesn't pan out in the real world." "They just turn around, and they go:" ""Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." They say it to him three fucking times." "And that stops him." "But of course, you're helping out because it's audience participation so, you know, she's like, "We gotta stop him." "Tell him, 'Swiper, no swiping."'" "So it becomes like, "Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping." "Swiper, no swiping."" "And then the fucking fox goes:" ""Oh, man."" "That is literally a line of dialogue." "You tell Swiper to fucking stop, and Swiper goes, "Oh, man."" "And he fucking bombs away." "And that's it." "You're on the berries and on to the next fucking goal." "And it was just like..." "It doesn't work in the real world." "I gotta pull the kid aside and be like:" ""Look, this all fun when we're high but telling somebody to just don't do something three times it ain't gonna fucking change shit."" "It would be nice if you could." "If you could be like:" ""Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." "Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." "Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." But..." "There goes my political material for the whole night." "But it doesn't work like that shit." "So periodically, I have to set her straight." "But I'm usually so stoned that I explain it to her, and she looks at me like:" ""The cartoon makes more sense."" "And she's like, "Daddy, no eating." "Daddy, no eating." "Daddy, no eating."" "Oh, man." "So I get caught up in shit like that and then I get to this place where I don't wanna write." "And so I just kind of chill out and shit like that." "But I am kind of..." "I'm a deadline whore." "So, like, if the deadline comes up..." "Green Hornet, I had like..." "What did I have?" "I had 50 pages and then I had another 50, so I had 100 pages and in four days I wrote 64 pages and brought the motherfucker home." "Like, that's how I write." "I'm like, "Oh, shit, the fucking calendar's creeping up behind me."" "I'm like, "Shit happens, and people hide behind rocks, and..." "Fuck it." "He beats the bad guy." "The end." And you know..." "Mysteriously, people are like, "This is pretty good." "You put a lot of work in this." I'm like, "I absolutely did."" "Like, "Why does he say to the bad guy, 'Swiper, no swiping'?"" "Just take that out, sorry." " What was your other question, sir?" " My other question..." "My other question was kind of related to it." "I've only got like 40 pages in the last year and a half, and I haven't shown..." "Too much Dora the Explorer for you, as well." "That's my problem." "I..." "Well, I haven't shown what I've written to anyone and I know you probably get this a lot but I was wondering, if you're still in Toronto I'd really like to get your opinion." "I remember..." "I remember..." "You motherfuckers turn on each other quick." "Our home and native..." "Till he says the thing we don't like, eh?" "I remember in An Evening With Kevin Smith, there was that one..." "When you were talking about how your brother couldn't relate to a lot of movies featuring homosexuals." " Yes, because he's gay." " Because he's gay, yeah." "Are you gay?" "Is that what you're telling me?" " No, I'm not gay, but..." " This your roundabout way of saying..." "I don't know if you've noticed this but I am a physically disabled midget, and..." " No?" " Yeah." "I'm serious." "Sir, let me tell you something right now." "You're passing because I had no idea." "You know what, I just found out two years ago myself." "It's unbelievable." "So there's not a lot of movies featuring people like that in a positive way." "There's a few, but whatever." "Unless you're a member of the fucking Lollipop Guild, then..." "Then there's movies, but other than that, you're right." "You're absolutely right." "Station Agent." "The Station Agent." "Station Agent was good." "Yeah." "Willow was pretty good, but still, it's like a fantasy-type..." "Willow is fantasy, isn't it?" "It's fantasy, like only midgets can play fantasy-like characters." "Mexican wrestling." "You gotta hate the fucking non-height-challenged, don't you?" "There you go." "Because every once in a while they'll just hit you with the fucking Ewoks." "They're like, "Oh, shut up." "You got the Ewoks."" "And you're like:" "Yeah, so if you're in town, whatever, for the next few days, whatever, still I have a business card, I'd like to give it you you can give me a call, that'd be great." "I know you're probably thinking, "No fucking way."" "But, whatever, it's worth trying." "It was worth a shot but, no, I would never in a million fucking years do that." " Yeah, I understand." " It's not because of the height thing." "Just understand, because..." "I like you, you're the right height, but the..." " Remember the whole Dora thing?" " Yeah." "That's me basically saying I hate to work myself so the idea of working on somebody else's fucking bullshit..." "I don't want you to work, I just wanna get your opinion." " But it's totally worth a shot to ask." " Yeah." " But where are you, 40 pages in?" " About 40, yeah." "Finish it, sir." " Finish." " Sorry?" "Just finish it." "Finish it and shoot it." "Because basically, I know a story about a motherfucker fat, and he lived in Jersey and he wrote a movie about people bombing around a convenience store." "And it led to him being on-stage, being like, "Fuck you," you know." "So I'm telling you, finish it, make your picture and then stand up here and tell somebody..." "Tell some tall fucker, "No!"" " Thank you." " Thank you, sir." "Thank you." " In Jersey Girl..." " Yes, sir." "...how did you convincingly get Ben Affleck to cry?" " How'd I convin...?" " I mean, that was believable." "That was very fucking easy." "I brought a astrologer on set laid out the cards for the next two years." "No, Affleck doesn't need any help, sir." "Affleck is a brilliant, brilliant actor." "He's getting the shit beat out of him right now." "I am not one of those people that fucking:" ""Oh, lets jump on the 'Fuck Ben Affleck' bandwagon."" "I still believe in Ben." "I would cast Ben as anything." "I've said it a million times." "I would cast him as the fucking shark in Jaws if we remade it." " And the robot in..." " I believe in fucking Ben Affleck." "So Affleck, he can cry on command, sir." "It's easy." "He's very bitch-like in nature, so..." "So very, very easy for him to cry on command, and great." "It's a real weird process to watch an actor be like:" ""Give me a few minutes."" "And they go someplace really fucking dark and come out and fucking throw it down and shit like that." "You're like, "Cut," and they're just like, "Were any chicks watching?"" "Because they know, if chicks watching, they got it made, right?" "Because like, "He's so sensitive," you know." "And he gets them back to the trailer, he's like, "I am very sensitive." "Now, roll over."" "But Affleck, crying on cue is fucking..." "It's a walk in the park for that dude." "He's really quite good at it." "He cries in almost every movie, doesn't he, if you watch him." "Go back, there's always a point where he's got that glazed fucking look on his face and he starts squirting a few." "That's what he does." "He cries very well." "And does everything very well." "So that was..." "It was a cakewalk to get him to do it." "I love making him cry in movies too." "I love getting him to an emotional place because that's my favorite version of Ben Affleck in movies." "My favorite version in real life is the one who makes me laugh because he's one of the funniest people I've ever known." "My favorite version of Ben Affleck in movies is the guy who fucking cries." "I'll hand him a script, and invariably I get the call and he's just like, "Come on, dude." "Michael Bay don't make me cry."" "I was like, "That's funny." "He makes me cry." "As does your work in his picture, sir."" "But I really..." "I like seeing it because I think he emotes very well." "So yeah, that's easy, to get him to cry." " Thank you very much." " Thank you, sir." "Some other guy dropped this off and was hoping..." "Some fan art, I guess." "Right on." "You hold on to it." "Just in case." "Once we get past the one-hour mark where it would go "boom" if it doesn't explode, bring it back." "Sir, you came in costume tonight." "Oh, sweet Jesus, there go your chances of getting laid tonight." "I kind of came in costume too." "Rock it, sir." "Last time you were here you gave us your..." "Basically, your personal review on some movies that you've seen." " Yes." " And you ripped them apart in only a way that you can do." " Yes." "I was wondering if you could give us an updated version on the crap that you've seen lately." " For example?" "Let the savior fucking speak!" "How often do you get a chance to talk to Jesus?" "Sir?" " Any movie you want." " Well, I mean, it's up to you, Lord." " Well, listen to my people." " I'm sorry?" " Listen to my people." " Come on, come on, come on." "Any movie." "This is why they nailed you to the fucking cross!" "The Jews were like, "He's so fucking indecisive." "Hang him up."" "Because if Mel Gibson taught us anything it's that the Jews killed Christ." "But not before they beat the shit out of him first." "Fucking savior, just..." " Recent movie?" " Gigli!" " Team America." " Gigli, I honestly..." "Gigli is a movie that I really didn't find as atrocious as most people." "But I was partial because I like the guy in the movie." "Like, I'll watch that dude in anything." "You know, I was even..." "You know, he was the bomb in Phantoms." "Phantoms is a terrible picture." "But I liked it because of him." "I kind of like watching him do shit." "I watched Surviving Christmas and thought he was very funny in it." "So same thing with Gigli, because I watched it, I'm like:" ""That's my friend, and he's kind of funny." "Even in movies that aren't that great."" "But the one thing..." "My only issue with Gigli was like, "Dude you're really gonna play...?" "Ring this fucking bell twice?" "Where you're like, 'I can turn a lesbian,' you know."" "We did it once, and we kind of got away with it." "But he was like, "No, I'm gonna do it again." "This time it's J. Lo," you know." "That, to me, was the only mistake of Gigli." "Double dipping and shit like that." "But so, no, I didn't have a problem with that movie very much." "Paycheck." "Paycheck, you know..." "The title of the movie is very appropriate." "Because that's flat out what he was earning." "Team America I fucking enjoyed." "You know, puppets fucking." "Nothing wrong with that." "The Incredibles is fantastic." "I loved The Incredibles." " We should probably move on from..." " I, Robot." "I, Robot I saw, and I fucking totally dug except they kind of..." "It was like getting a really fantastic blowjob where at the very end she's like:" "That's why they don't let me review movies in papers, because..." "Everyone's got the whole "thumbs up, thumbs down," two, three, four stars." "I'm like, "No, it's like getting a blowjob where the chick pulls it out and jerks you off to a conclusion all over your belly," you know." "Where you're like, "Oh, this is phenomenal." "This is awesome." "Oh, no, wait, out?" "No." "All right, well..."" "Loved it." "Mean Girls I didn't see because fuck Lindsay Lohan." "Don't know anything about her, just don't like the look of her, you know." "Looks a little trashy." "I like my shit to be less trashy than that." "I'm not..." "I'm also not a Duff woman either." "So fuck her too." "My ideal movie would be, like, fucking throw those two chicks in the pit give them a couple broken bottles go." "I don't think we're gonna see that one." "Are we really gonna do this all night?" "Fucking yelling out random...?" "Let's move..." "Jesus, can we move on?" "Right on." "Well done." "Sir, really, that is a commitment for the whole evening." "Just sit there as God and..." "You live with the parents, or what?" "You do live with the parents?" "You know, you're walking out and your dad's like, "That's why."" "Excuse me." "Yes?" "All right, first of all, I'd like to say I'm an animator and I love your movies." "And the next thing I want to know is what happened to Clerks II, the cartoon?" "You said it was gonna be a cartoon movie?" "Yes." " What's going on with that?" " I'm sorry." "It's such a decent question, I was flabbergasted." "Clerks II, we were calling it Clerks Sell Out." "And the plot of the movie was essentially Dante and Randal are like:" ""Hey, lets make a movie set here in the Quick Stop."" "Because I really, really ran out of ideas." "And so basically we were thinking of doing it theatrically because Harvey Weinstein, the chairman of Miramax, was like:" ""Fucking The Tigger Movie." "Disney put out The Tigger Movie." "Cost them 8 million bucks to make, movie made 40 million bucks."" "We were like, "Right on." And he was just like:" ""We could do the same thing with Clerks."" "And I was like, "You want us to put fucking Tigger in Clerks?"" "He's like, "No, we make a cartoon real cheap, and we throw it out there." "We just go to the bank, laughing all the way."" "I'm like, "First off, nobody watched the show, dude." "That's why they canceled it, remember?" "Second off, you got a kid, you're gonna take him to see The Tigger Movie." "You're not going to take him to see:" "'Noinch, noinch, noinch, smoking weed,"' you know." "I mean, because he's kind of Tigger-like, but, you know..." "But it ain't the fucking..." "I don't..." "I just don't think any parent's lining up to see that movie." "So basically, we went back to him and said:" ""Wouldn't it make more sense if we did it as a straight-to-video movie?"" "That way, the people who really want to see it would see it." "Because the Clerks cartoon when we put them out on DVD as a collection, sold well." "So we said, "Can we do that instead of trying to go theatrical?"" "And he was like, "Whatever," because he'd forgotten about it by that point." "This was two years later." "He's like, "What are you talking about?"" "I was like, "The Clerks cartoon movie, Clerks Sell Out."" "And he was like, "Oh, right." "Yeah, well, whatever."" "So we eventually have to get to it but the last we talked about it we were gonna do that as a straight-to-video movie." "Try to cross it over with Winnie the Pooh and see what happens there." "But straight to video, Clerks Sell Out." "Because, believe me, I will ride the Clerks thing right into the grave." "You know, they work at a store, and they're pissed." " Cool, that's it." " Right on." "Well done, sir." "So my question is:" "You've pretty much had the life of a fanboy thus far." "I mean, you've got to make an entire universe based on your characters you've run a com..." "You've owned a comic shop you've worked on a comic, you got married at Skywalker Ranch." "I mean, you've done everything that I would think any geek would love to do." "My question is, what's next?" "For one second, as you went through the list I thought you were gonna be like, "And now, tonight..."" "For the world to see." "I thought you were building up to the Howling moment where you're like, "Tonight I'm gonna show you something..."" "Nothing like that, no." "What's next?" "I don't know, sir." "What's next?" "I always often think about what it is..." "Why do I do what I do, and why I got into the business and chiefly, it was because I wanted to throw something on the screen that you know, I recognize." "Something that I could identify with." "And that was Clerks and everything I've ever fucking done since then." "So I've accomplished that." "Then it was always like, "Wouldn't it be cool to do this?" "Wouldn't it be cool to write comic books?"" "And then I fucking did that and shit." "I think I've reached the final frontier, you know." "Totally fucked Jason Mewes." "Where is Mewes?" " Call him up." " Call him." "Just call Mewes up?" "Does anybody have a phone?" "You know, sir, I don't need your phone." "Whenever I call Mewes, I just do this:" "Mewes!" "Mewes!" "Doesn't work always." "Mewes!" "Hello, ladies and sirs." "Sir, don't leave me up here by myself, I'm scared." "I don't talk much, he does." "Dude, you've answered like two questions." "That's it." "He goes on and on and on, right?" "No?" "All right, no one's answering." " You want...?" " All you." "You wanna ask...?" "You wanna do two questions?" "No, I don't want." "I said, you've only had two questions, but you've been here for an hour." "Dude, back off, it was three." "Three questions." "Because I was saying, one question, you just keep going on talking about Dora the Explorer or something." " I've been listening on the..." " That's how I fuck, sir." "They ask for a little, I go overboard." " You wanna hang out on the couch?" " I wanna sit on the couch." " Right on." " Drink this free water." "First off, I would like to thank you for making Clerks." "It's nice to see a non-Asian dude that knows the pain of being behind the counter." "That's true, that movie is kind of really fictional because there's two white guys fucking behind the counter and I don't know, every convenience store in the world I've ever been in is the "Thank you, come again," you know." "Okay, my first question is..." "I have just two quick questions." "One is, on the first DVD, you pretty much trashed a lot of the big Hollywood guys with your Superman story, Tim Burton and as well as Prince." "Have you ever got any backlash from that, since releasing that DVD?" "I've never gotten backlash..." "Never gotten backlash from it but I've heard, like, P.S.'s to everything." "Like, Jon Peters apparently is very flattered by the story." "Proving once again that the man is just almost insane, clinically." "Who else was there?" "Tim Burton." "Tim Burton, no." "Since that story, I don't think I ever heard of anything." "I mean, I told the story about the Planet of the Apes thing, right?" "Where his claws came out." "So, no, never heard anything after that." "Tim Burton's just like, "This dude's small fucking potatoes."" "Prince I did hear a P.S. From." "Because the DVD came out, and his producer at the time..." "The one who told me about Prince World, her name's Stephanie." " Stephanie called me up and was just like:" ""Oh, my God, you named me."" "She's like, "It wasn't bad enough that you just said he's got this producer he works with you fucking gave me a name, and it was my name."" "And I was like, "Was that bad?"" "But thankfully, she had left his employ at that point." "But she told me that people at Paisley Park would pass that around like an underground movie and shit." "And be like, "You gotta watch this." "He nails him." "He even talks about Prince World," you know." "They didn't want to talk out loud because all the rooms are bugged." "Because he can record in every room." "So she said after he..." "It finally got to him, somebody showed it to him and he was just like, "Find his nondisclosure agreement."" "Because, essentially, when you come in to shoot or do something they make you sign this agreement that says:" ""What happens in Prince World stays in Prince World."" "You don't go out there and fucking talk about, like:" ""Go get me a camel at 3 in the morning." Just..." "You don't talk about that shit." "The funny part is, the day that they handed it to me I was like, "Oh, right on." "Let me just set up this shot" and I never saw it again." "And it was never intentional." "Like, "Oh, I'm gonna talk about this shit."" "It was just one of those things I never fucking did and never thought about it until Stephanie told me they tore apart Paisley Park looking for that nondisclosure agreement, and it's not there." "And I was just like, "Oh, that would be because I probably never signed one."" "And she was like, "He was fucking mad."" "And then, I guess he was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly a few months back when he was doing the tour and shit the tour..." "The brilliant tour, where he oversold..." "You know, sold tickets that were more expensive and included a CD his latest CD, Musicology." "And then all those tickets sold for the concerts counted as units sold for his Billboard ranking so it made it seem like..." "You go to a Prince concert, "I wanna see Prince." "I don't wanna listen to Musicology, because it fucking blows." "But I wanna go see Prince." Because you love Purple Rain." "When you got there, they were like, "Here's your CD."" "And you're like, "Right on, free CD."" "But it wasn't free, they built it into the price of the ticket." "And every CD they gave out counted toward Billboard." "So for a while, Prince was rocking the fucking Top 10 in the Billboard." "But not really." "But it was enough to get him on the cover of Entertainment Weekly." "That, plus the fact that, you know, he's fucking Prince and..." " Okay, my second que..." " That gets him on there." "Not done." "And in his fucking interview, at one point he went out of his way to fucking talk about me, to bring me up." "And I only know because the guy that wrote the piece is a dude who's interviewed me a few times and he just dropped me an e-mail he's going, "Prince talked about you in his interview."" "And I was like, "Oh, get out of here." "Did he talk about the Evening With?"" "And he goes, "Kind of." "He didn't reference it specifically but he talked about seeing Jersey Girl."" "And I was like, "Oh, right on." "Did he love it?"" "Because I thought maybe he watched it and he was like:" ""You know what, Kev's an all right guy."" "Not the case." "Because he said in the article..." "He was like, "I saw Jersey Girl."" "He trashed it, and he said:" ""That's what happens when the potty mouth don't work for you no more."" "The guy who was writing the piece told me that, and he's like:" ""Do you have a comment?" And I was just like, "Okay."" "So I was like, "Well, you know, it's okay that he hated Jersey Girl because I fucking hated Crystal Ball."" "Which was an album that he did a long time ago." "And he was like, "Oh, that's perfect, that's going in."" "It went in the article, and it wasn't till a few days later where I was like, "Oh, I should have just said:" "'This coming from the director of Under the Cherry Moon."'" "Which would have been a little more obscure." "But still, he also directed a movie so it would have been like one director tagging another and shit." "Kind of like playing a game of the dozens." "But it didn't really pan out like that." "And I guess he read the article, or saw it but I never heard from him again." "Still haven't heard from him about that." "People were always kind of mystified about what happened to all the footage and shit because Stephanie had called me at one point and said:" ""Hey, do you wanna edit this stuff together?"" "And I was like, "No." "I mean, not really." "I mean, if you bring it to Jersey, I'll totally edit it together."" "I said, "Didn't you guys try editing already?"" "She's like, "We've gone through a few editors."" "And I said, "Why?" "Is he that difficult to work with?"" "She's like, "Well, no, it's just that what he wants to do with the footage a lot of people don't agree with ideologically."" "And I was like, "What does he want to do with the fucking footage?" "Insert it into a porn?"" "Because I'm down with that." "I'll cut that shit." "She goes, "No, he wants to turn it into a recruitment film for the Jehovah's Witnesses."" "Because he's a Jehovah's Witness now." "So he wanted to take all the footage from the interviews we did and shit intercut it with concert footage, and turn it into a recruitment film for the Jehovah's Witnesses and shit." "And I was like, "Get out of here." "That's what we were doing this whole time?"" "She's like, "I guess." "You wanna work on it?"" "And I said, "Oh, shit, no." "I already made my recruitment film for Catholicism, I don't..."" "I..." "I said, "I got no interest in fucking doing that."" "I was like, "He's really serious about this Jehovah's Witnesses shit?"" "And she's like, "He's pretty hard-core." I was like, "How hard-core?"" "Because in my mind, I just see fucking... open the door and Prince is like, "Dearly beloved would you like to buy a Watchtower?" You know." "But she said that's what he's doing." "He's trying to use the footage for that." "So last I heard, it was going into a recruitment film for the Jehovah's Witnesses." "So if you're ever approached by Jehovah's Witnesses, and they're like:" ""We'd like you to watch this video," that's my latest film." "Hi." "So for all your movies, you're, like, writer, director..." "You got like five credits so I figure that's gotta be a pretty good paycheck." "I have two questions:" "How much are you worth and what do you waste money on?" "How much am I worth?" "I don't know." "I have no idea how much I'm worth." "What does that mean, exactly?" "Like, to my mother, I'm worth a lot." "Well, like, what's your net worth?" "Like, you know, like, if you were theo..." "Lets say you were one of those good filmmakers and they put you on that Forbes list..." "Calm down." "No, no, no." "Wait, wait, wait." "Wait, wait, wait." "Dude, I couldn't fucking hear you the first time so I missed the..." "I missed the setup." "Go." "If you were appreciated enough to be put on that Forbes list..." "On the Forbes list?" "Why was everyone... to the...?" "I know." "I heard him." "You reined that shit in pretty quick." "You're like, "What if you were good enough...?" "I mean, what if they were smart enough to...?"" "Because 2000 fucking Canadians were like, "Let's get him!"" "Anyway, what if somebody put me on the Forbes list, what would I be worth?" "I wouldn't make..." "Obviously, I haven't made the Forbes list." "Ballpark figure." "Do you have $ 10 million?" "Do I have 10 million?" "Are you looking for a fucking loan, sir?" "What do you mean "do I have"?" "Am I liquid?" "Am I so liquid that I got 10 million sitting somewhere?" " Sure." " No." "Sir, I have a family." "I'm married and I have a kid." "And I buy a lot of fucking DVDs." "So I'm a real..." "Honestly, I kind of live very hand-to-mouth where it's like, I get paid, and then I get fat and then I go back to work and I get paid, and I get fat." "And basically we just spend that money until there's no money left and then I'm like, "Well, what did Jay and Silent Bob do this week?"" "But, no." "But I don't have a fucking $ 10 million sitting somewhere." "Affleck does." "He's got more than 10 million sitting somewhere." "Affleck had that stretch where he did, like, three movies where he made 15 to 20 million or something like that." "And thank God, because now he can live off that for, you know..." "Wait till the storm passes and shit." "But I don't have that chunk of change sitting somewhere." "Also, you know, Affleck's not fucking married, doesn't have a kid." "A wife and a kid will fucking bleed you dry, sir." " I'll keep that in mind." " Don't fucking get married." "Which I don't think is a problem for you." ""What's your net worth, eh?" "How much you worth?" "What do you got in the bank?" "How many toonies and loonies do you have in the...?"" "I give it up, sir, nobody's ever asked me that question before:" ""How much are you worth?" That's a real fucking esoteric question." "One that's gonna plague me too." "Wake my wife up, 3 in the morning, "Honey, what am I worth?"" ""Get it off of me, get it off of me," you know." " Hi." "I just have two questions." " Two questions." "One question, actually, and one comment." "Thank you for coming to Toronto, first of all." "Thank you for having me." "And my second question is just about why you actually come and do these shows." "What reasons do you have to come and do these shows?" ""They want you to do a show up at Roy Thompson."" ""I don't know."" ""They got a lot of Timbits."" ""I'm there."" "Smart motherfucker right here." "Come on up, sir." " How do you do, sir?" " Thank you, bro." "What's your name, new best friend?" "My name is Adam, but all my friends call me Jaws." " Hey, Jaws." " Hi, Jaws." "Because you suck dick?" "Back in grade nine, I hit over 6 feet and I had braces." "Our friend was a huge James Bond fan and he started calling me Jaws." "And you sucked his dick?" "We'll save that for the special edition." " Because you sucked his dick." "Yes." " My Timbits." "Now, wait, so they're your Timbits?" " Oh, I bought them for you." " Did you sweat in them?" "Because they look a little worse for wear, sir." "You didn't do anything to them, did you?" "I'll eat one if you want." "Well, what if you put the poison in, but you have the antidote?" "Pick a Timbit and I'll eat it." "Do that one." "But what if that's the one you didn't put the poison in knowing that I would choose that one because it was so different-looking?" "Security." "What's this?" "I was also worried with the no-food policy that they would take it away." "So I also smuggled a little dime bag just in case." "You're giving me weed?" "A Canadian version of weed, but, yeah, just more Timbits." "Oh, it's a dime bag of Timbits." "Just in case if they confiscated that one I had that one as well." " So this is your secret stash?" " Exactly." "You guys got any questions for the doughnut man?" "All right, question?" "I'll give you Timbits tomorrow for free at school." "Remember, my mom works there." "She is so fired." "Is this what you have to deal with all the time?" "Owen." " Right on." " Thank you for signing my comics." "You're welcome, sir." "Don't forget the coat." "Are those your glasses, sir?" "No." "They are, right?" "Well done." "Sir, what was your question?" "My question was why do you come here aside from money, which is probably an obvious factor." " And Timbits." " Aside from the food, right." "You know, honestly, I kind of dig it." "I like it." "This is my second..." "Well, third favorite part of the job." "I like writing, I like editing..." "Because editing is kind of like writing." "It's like getting to write another version of the script..." "Another draft, if you will." "And I like doing this part because that's what it's all about, right?" "It's a communication medium." "You throw the movie out there and see if anybody identifies with it." "And you manufacture for you so you wanna hear what people have to say about it." "And this is kind of the way I hear what people have to think about the shit." "The feedback." "And it started that way." "It started by going to the screenings and doing q and a's afterwards." "And sooner or later we just started losing the screenings altogether because people were like, "Oh, fuck the movie." "Just get up there and talk about your dick," you know." "So I don't know, I just kind of like it." "This is where I feel comfortable." "I'm fucking terrible in person, though." "That's what happens, a lot of people are like:" ""Oh, you must be fucking great in a room."" "I am terrible in a room." "If you get me in a room with five, six people I shut the fuck up." "I'm just like, "Hello."" "But I can do this." "Like, I can do 2000, 3000 people." "But one-on-one, dog shit." "Except my wife." "I can talk to her pretty well." "But my wife will always invite her friends over, and they're like:" ""Why did you marry him?" "He's such a boring guy."" "Then she hands them An Evening With Kevin Smith, and they're like:" ""An Evening with Kevin Smith is four hours long," you know." "And my wife's like, "No, it's not." "An evening with Kevin Smith is two minutes if I'm lucky." "Three if he gets on top, you know." "So I don't know, I just kind of dig it." "Just kind of into it." "I like it." "I like doing it here too." "Love fucking doing it in Canada." "The last one we did at Roy Thompson Hall was, hands down, my favorite Q  A that I've ever done." "Here at Roy Thompson." "Because you're..." "I don't know, you guys kind of get it." "It's not like they don't get it down in the States, but I don't know it feels..." "I truly feel, like, welcome here." "Like, I feel like, you know, Superman, fucking his world blew up and so Earth became his adopted homeland and that's how I feel about Canada." "Of course, the analogy falls to shit right away because, unfortunately, America has not blown up yet." "Although, soon." "Give it..." "Give it time." "And also, I can't do shit to protect Canada from anybody." "But nobody seems to wanna make war with you, so it's all right, you know." "So basically I could just be like, "I'm protecting them."" "Until shit starts going on, and I'm like, "I got your back from back here." "Go."" " Behind the rock!" " Behind the rock, sir." "You just became a better writer than me." "But I dig it." "I just kind of dig it." "I feel at home doing this kind of shit." "This feels good." "Because, you know, it's kind of a rush too." "Three thousand people wanna hear what you have to say." "Only in this country." "He's talking about Geddy, eh?" "Oh, Geddy's amazing." "Maybe he'll do a little "Tom Sawyer."" "It's nice, though." "It's nice." "It makes you feel wanted and shit." "Because then I go out in the real world and nobody wants me." "Here, though, I could probably get laid." "Moments like this, I'm just like, "I could totally get laid."" "That's why it's, like, so..." "You gotta keep your head straight with this." "Because you jump on-stage and people are like... and shit like that." "You're like, "Oh, my God, why did I get married?" "I could fuck all of these people." "At least once, you know." "Till they figured out I was a terrible lay." "But all I need is one crack."" "But then, you know, I get off-stage..." "Then I get off-stage, and it's just not really the case." "Then there's only one person that wants to fuck me and that's, you know..." "That's kind of beautiful." "It is." "That's why I got married." "Because she fucks really well." "And she loves me, and I love her." "But on the stage, you tend to like, "Wow, I'm pretty happening."" "And then, you know, you go home and shit, and she's like:" ""Quit farting."" "And you remember you're not that happening at all and shit." "And she's too smart for me to be like:" ""Look, there are 3000 fucking people who would like to hear me fart."" "She'll be like, "I fucking hope so because that's how we earn our living, fat ass."" "She's a pretty sharp cookie." "But that's really it." "I just kind of enjoy it." "I mean, the money's nice too, don't get me wrong." "I used to do it for free, though, then one day, somebody was like..." "I was at a school in New Jersey..." "I was at Rutgers in Camden the Camden campus and I used to just drive places and do q and a." "They'd be like, "You wanna talk to the college students?" I'd be, "Right on."" "One day, I was at Rutgers, Camden, we were showing clips for something so I went outside to smoke, because that's when I used to smoke and the chick who was running the program was like:" ""Wow, it's so awesome that you just do this for free."" "And I was like, "It really, really is." "What...?" "What does that mean, exactly?"" "And she's like, "Most people kind of charge to do it."" "And I was like, "Charge?" "To do this?" "Why would somebody charge for an ego boost like this?" "This is awesome." "How much they make?"" "She was like, "We just had Janeane here, Janeane Garofalo."" "I was like, "Right on." "How much she make?"" "She was like, "Twenty G's."" "I was like:" ""Twenty G what?" "Twenty thousand dollars?" "American or Canadian?"" "Which is actually pretty fucking close now." ""Twenty thousand," I was like, "Get out of here."" "So then I started charging for gas." "And I was, like, I feel secure enough to be like:" ""Look, you gotta give me gas money."" "They'd pitch me 5 bucks, crumpled up." ""Here you go." "Fuck off, Clerks boy."" "Right on." "I took those fucks." "My net worth, 5 bucks." "And then there was a period where I just..." "And then it started going up, and they started paying me more." "Then I got to a place where I was like, "I don't wanna do it anymore."" "Because they always send you to remote places." "At least this, we're in the middle of a city." "So you fly into fucking Pearson." "Pearson, is that what it's called?" "Named for, you know, that guy, Pearson." "And, you know, you're in the city in fucking 20 minutes." "Sometimes, though, they'll send you to a fucking college in Bumblefuck..." "Like, "You wanna go out to the Maritimes?"" ""Shit, no," you know." ""You're out of your fucking minds."" "And then you fly in and drive four hours to get to the fucking college." "So there was a period where I was like:" ""I don't wanna do it anymore, so I'm just gonna fucking raise my fee."" "And that way, people will be like:" ""Oh, fuck him," you know, "He's not worth it."" "And they still kept fucking paying." "I was like, "Oh, good God." "They got me." "I guess I gotta go."" "So..." "But I dig it." "Really, I kind of dig it." "When I'm busy, when I'm making a flick or something I'm like..." "You know, I'd rather concentrate on one thing." "But right now, I got nothing going on at the moment except for fucking Degrassi so I'm all up in it, you know." "I'm like, "Send me, I'll go anywhere." "Fucking I'm there." "Send me to fucking Oakville, Kitchener." "I'll do all the..." "I'll fucking play the newfie towns too." "I don't give a shit." "Send me to every fucking province."" "And they're like, "You're going to Toronto." I'm like, "Right on."" "So I just dig it, really, is what it comes down to." "All right, thanks very much, and just..." "I hope that you come back another time." " Come back?" " Yes." "Yeah, well, I mean, I..." "This is amazing." "I have never repeated a place." "I don't think I've ever gone to the same place twice." " You should do it three times." " Which says a lot about the show." "Because apparently..." "Apparently, y'all are starved for entertainment because most places are like, "We saw him."" "No hockey, right?" ""The boys are on strike." "The Leafs aren't gonna play." "Bring the fat guy back."" "You fuckers and your hockey, man." "God, you love some hockey." "And the whole fucking town." "There's a real pale over the whole fucking town." "And I was like, "What's with all the down spirits and shit?"" "And they're like, "No hockey, eh?" "Hockey night's gone, eh?" "Saturdays we got nothing to do." "We look at each other and talk about the hockey." "How good it would be, how great it was and how wonderful it will be when it comes back."" "So I says to the guy, I says, "There's no hockey."" "He says, "I know there's no hockey." And I says, "Well, there it is."" "Those are actual conversations I've listened to." "But generally I don't..." "I've never doubled up." "This is the first place I've ever done twice." "Not only have I done it twice, it's not like three years ago I was here in fucking March." "Like, nothing has really happened to me between March and now." "So I was so worried coming back, I'm like:" ""I'm not gonna have shit to talk about."" "But it's cool." "I like this room." "I could come back all the time." "And we sold it out pretty..." "Don't, because..." "Don't, because you'll get tired of it." "If I come back in another four months you'll be like, "He's talking about his fucking dick again." "Oh, hockey's back?" "Oh, fuck him."" "Go Leafs." "Stop it." "Stop living into the stereotype, for chrissakes." "Like:" ""What?" "Leafs?" "Yes, go Leafs!" "Did they settle the strike?" "No?" "Fuck."" "So there it is." "I just kind of like doing it." "But I can't do it without you, so thank you for coming." " Yep, thank you." " Right on." " Yep, thank you." " Right on." "All right, I wanted to know what is, like, the meanest, most cold-hearted thing you've ever done or said to someone, just because?" "Meanest, cold-heartedest thing I've ever done or said to anybody?" "Yeah, and did you feel bad after?" "No, it was never..." "It's never been any of that shit." "The meanest, cold-heartedest thing I've ever done and I still kind of carry it with me sometimes is junior year..." "The end of junior year in high school which is, what, 11th grade to you guys." "Grade 11, sorry." "Grade 11, eh?" "But Michelle ****, who was a classmate of mine, really sweet girl was running for student council president because the juniors ran for it at the end of the year because senior year, you'd be the student council president." "And she was running unopposed, and I was just like:" ""Well, that's not democracy." "Somebody should run against her."" "And I ran against her just for the fuck of it." "Didn't want it." "Was just like, "Shouldn't Meeshy..."" "We called her "Meeshy." "Meeshy will totally win but there should be somebody else in the race."" "And also it gave me a chance to kind of get up on the PA system and sing a song." "Which was in 19..." "What was it?" "Fuck." "I forget." "Essentially, it was to "New York, New York" but the chorus was "vote overweight, vote overweight."" "And they did." "Proving once again that it's not really the qualifications it's just who puts on a better show." "So basically, Meeshy was just like:" ""If you vote for me for student council president I will totally lead our class and this school into the next generation."" "And I got..." "I'm there and was like:" "Vote overweight, vote overweight" "And they were like, "Oh, let's vote for the fat guy."" "And I won." "So senior year, I was student council president." "And the first thing I did as student council president was to abolish the fall carnival which was the big thing everyone looked forward to." "Why?" "I was like, "Fuck it." "It's a waste of our time." "We don't need it." Got rid of it." "Everybody was like, "What happened to the fall carnival?"" "And they're like, "Student council president got rid of it."" "Drunk on my own power, I was like, "Let's see how far I can go."" "Got rid of homecoming." "Which is not a big deal, because we didn't have a fucking football team." "So I never understood why we had a homecoming dance." "I was like, "Homecoming is for football games." "We don't have football." "What do we have homecoming for?" "Fuck it." "No, it's gone."" "And fucking people were like, "Right on." "It's gone."" "I was Bush, you know." "I was flat-out W." "I just made horrible, fucking random decisions and people were like, "He's our president."" "But..." "I did try to abolish the prom, and that one, I got overruled on." "That was when people like, "You can't take away the prom." "We've had it up to here." And they kept their fucking prom." "But I refused to go to it and shit." "And my girlfriend at the time was a junior, right?" "So the junior prom the year before I had gone to." "She was a sophomore at that time." "And I brought her with me, so we went to the junior prom." "So senior year, she was supposed to go with me to the senior prom." "We had junior, senior prom together and shit." "So I told her, I was like, "Look, I'm not doing a senior prom." "I'm just blowing it off and shit." "I'm taking a stand."" "Against what, I don't know." "But I was in high school." "I was rebelling against everything." "Including my fucking waistline." "So I was like, "No fucking prom, prom's stupid, stupid fucking tradition." "Look, if we wanna fuck, we're gonna fuck at a hotel room." "We don't need to go to the prom." "Or we'll just fuck in your parents' house." "You know, there's no reason to go to the fucking prom."" "And she was just like, "But I wanna go to the prom."" "It meant the world to her." "She wanted to go." "I was like, "No, we're not going to the prom." "It's my prom, we're not going." "It's my senior prom." "We're gonna hang out, we're gonna watch The Breakfast Club again."" "So she was like, "All right, all right."" "And then that night, class move, she went to the fucking prom." "Didn't even tell me." "I called up her mom, I was like:" ""Where's Kim?" "We're gonna hang out and watch Breakfast Club."" "She's like, "Kim's in a gown at the prom."" "And I was like, "Oh, fucking..." "We were supposed to be rebelling together."" "But she had no interest in rebelling and shit." "And that was where our kind of relationship started to:" "She didn't wanna rebel with me, I wasn't gonna roll like that and shit." "So it comes to the end of the year and the student council's in charge of the elections for the next round of student council elections the juniors who are running." "And there was a kid who was running for student council president against some girl." "And their names, well, I'll..." "Fuck it, I'm not gonna tell you their names because the story's pretty bad." "And so basically, there was a kid..." "One guy running, one girl running." "And my Spanish teacher at the time pulled me aside and was like, "You're failing." "You're gonna fail this year."" "Excellent teacher, ****." "Fantastic fucking teacher." "But I was a terrible student, didn't bother to learn any Spanish and shit." "Didn't know that one day I would live in Los Angeles and need Spanish." "I was like, "I live in New Jersey, I'll never need Spanish."" " Move to L.A., I need Spanish." " Watch Dora." "That's why I watch Dora." "All right, rein it in, sir." "Not everything is the rock." "So..." "But still, I liked it." "I tried to pull your credit away, but that was good." "So..." "That was good." "So..." "I gotta remember that for the next show." "Dude, I'm taking all your material." "So my Spanish teacher says to me:" ""Listen, do you want to pass?"" "And I was like, "Oh, God, I'm gonna have to blow this motherfucker."" "Because I'm okay..." "I'm okay with blowjobs, man." "Like, I get it." "Like, I'm..." "I'm comfortable with my sexuality." "Doesn't mean I can't take a shot in the mouth for a good grade." "Doesn't necessarily make me gay, it just means I give good head." "So he was like, "No, none of that."" "He said, "I just want..." "I want you to make sure that the chick wins and not the guy."" "And I was like, "Really?" "You want me to throw the election?" "And you'll pass me in Spanish?" And he was like, "Totally."" "And I was like, "I don't know, man." "I gotta think about this." "All right."" "Votes came in and shit, and we tallied them up and shit because guess who counted the votes." "I was like the chick in Florida, dude." " What's her name?" " Katherine Harris." "I was fucking Katherine Harris." "A 12th-grade Katherine Harris." "Tossing shit away." "I was like, "Where are the black votes?"" "So basically, the guy won by a very slim margin the girl didn't, and sure enough, I was just like, "One, two, three..." "Hey, she won."" "And that was probably the worst thing I've fucking ever done in my life." "That girl got to be student council president and that dude spiraled fucking downwards and kissed the end of a shotgun, blew his head off." "Or something, I can't remember." "I..." "I never did the follow-up to that story." "I just know that he didn't win, and he really, legitimately, he did." "But the real weird fucking vengeance is that dude wound up dating my ex-girlfriend the next year." "Which he must have known, right?" "He was like, "You steal my presidency I'm gonna steal your fucking pussy, sir."" "So then I went out with his girlfriend." "Like, "You steal my pussy for stealing the election I'm gonna fucking steal your pussy, sir."" "And then we were all miserable." "And the great irony is, the girl that he was dating..." "His girlfriend that I wound up stealing and going out with." " Was named Amy." "And so for evermore, people would come to her and be like, "Oh, my God, didn't you date the Clerks guy?" "Is Chasing Amy about you?" And she'd be like, "No."" "And it's not." "But I like the name." "That story has no ending, really." "Wait." "No, it does." "That motherfucker came looking for blood, and what did I do?" "Hid behind a rock." " I want to say good job on the movies." " Thank you, sir." "And Roadside Attractions, it's really good." "I had a question for Mewes, but he deked..." "You are the most laid-back person I've ever met." "You're just like, "Right on, dude." "Get on with the..." "Rock on with your bad self and the Roadside..."" "You are super cool, sir." "You're Fonzie." "Hey." " Anyways, I was thinking you..." " Fonzie was Canadian, wasn't he?" "Eh?" "I left my leather jacket at home." "I was gonna say that you have an image:" "The trench coat, jacket, the beard have you ever thought about getting rid of the beard?" "Because you look at guys like Chuck Norris and Chewbacca Jesus, even without a beard..." "Without a beard, they would, like, lose all their power and their credibility." "I was gonna ask, have you thought of that because I'd think it be a truly horrible thing if you did that." "You would, I don't know..." "Like, no one would recognize you." "I wouldn't, you know." "Like, Alex Trebek got rid of his mustache and I was watching Jeopardy!" ""Who is that guy?"" "I didn't know who he was." "It's like having a conversation with one of my characters." "Sir, I just think that it's fucking brilliant that you somehow managed to tie Chuck Norris Chewbacca the Wookiee and Jesus Christ together." "Because if I was on a fucking game show and somebody said, "Name three people who have beards" maybe, maybe I'd be like:" ""The son of God, our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ."" "I wouldn't even..." "Chuck Norris wouldn't come to mind." "Never in a million years." "I don't know, does he have a beard?" "Doesn't he just rock a mustache?" " He's got a beard, yeah." " Does he really?" "You and me on that game show, you win." "Chewie, I wouldn't even think of." "Chewie would be the answer..." "They're like, "Judges?"" "And they're like:" "Have I ever thought about taking off the beard?" "I do take it off from time to time." "But only if I've got nothing going on." "Like if I'm not gonna have to be public you know, except to go to the store and shit like that." "But if I don't have to get on-stage or take a picture." "Because when I take it off, I look dramatically different." "I look like a 16-year-old fat kid." "As opposed to a 34-year-old fat man." "And it also..." "My wife hates it." "First time I took it off when we were together, I came out of the bathroom I was like, "Notice anything different?"" "And she was like, "Oh, Jesus!" "Dig it out of the drain and glue it back."" "She hated it, she hated it." "And the first time I did it when I had the kid, she was just like:" "Because suddenly I wasn't Dad anymore I was just some random fat dude fucking her mom." "So I have taken it off from time to time, but I just look really, really bad with it." "You know, and it's just, you know fucking chin city and shit." "Your wife is your beard!" "My wife is my beard, isn't she?" "Oh, sir." "Who was it?" "That was you?" "That was your move." "Because in your head, you were sitting there going:" ""I'm gonna yell out 'your wife is your beard' and they'll laugh like they laughed at the rock guy."" "And you yelled it out, you got it out there you had the guts to do it and shit and then I even echoed it for you just in case the cheap seats didn't hear and there was fucking crickets, sir." "You are fucking Gigli incarnate, sir." "But I respected that." "That would have been my go-to joke." "I should have fucking thought of that." "I should have been, like..." "Rock the "my wife is a beard" joke and talk about sucking cock." "Thank God you did it first." "I will never use that joke." "Right on." "You're feeling pretty good right about now because you're like, "I busted out Chuck Norris."" "Anywho, no, I've never shaved the beard on a regular basis." "You should bring the Roadside Attractions with Leno to Toronto." " I think that'd be pretty funny." " Do Roadsides up here, I'd like to." "I would like to totally do that." "You like them, huh?" " Yeah, for sure." " They're not bad." "I have fun doing them." "The guy I do those with, Andy McElfresh he's the real brains behind it." "He's way into that kind of sense of humor and my jokes, I tend to write very long..." "They're not even jokes." "It's just observations." "And he's a real joke guy." ""Go for the punchline" kind of thing." "So if you really like those, truly he's the genius behind them." "I'm just the guy who stands there and fucking dances like a chimp." "And once in a while I find something kind of quick to tag up with." "But, yeah, they've been fun to do." "I would like to do one up here." "That'd be nice." "You don't really have attractions, though." "Like, CN Tower and that's it." "Tim Hortons." "Tim Hortons." "That's not really a roadside attraction." "Tim Hortons is fucking legion in this country." "What do you got, 30 million people living up here?" "You have 31 million Tim Hortons." "There's one Tim Hortons, 1.8... 1.008 Tim Hortons per fucking resident of Canada." "You all got your own like, "What's that?"" ""Oh, that's Bob's Tim Hortons."" ""Bob who?" "I don't know." "But there's one guy named Bob, and that's his."" "So Tim Hortons wouldn't really be a stop." "The Leafs!" "The Leafs is not really a roadside attraction, it's a sporting team." "Hall of Fame is definitely a roadside attraction." "Good point." " Niagara Falls." " Fuck the Falls." "I just went back to the Falls for the first time." "I have not been to Niagara Falls since I was 5 years old and my parents took us on a road trip and shit." "We drove up to the Falls." "My parents had honeymooned there." "So I guess they wanted to go back." "My old man wanted to get another crack at her up at the Falls." "So I was 5 years old, and we went to the fucking Falls me, my brother, my sister, my parents and shit and took those fake photographs, when it was about the barrels and shit." "You stood in a fake barrel with the fake Falls behind, and you reacted." "Like you were going over it." "As if anyone would be hanging outside a barrel to go down the Falls and you can see the stairs under my feet and shit." "But the one thing they did do was take us up in a fucking helicopter." "You know, they sent..." "It was my mom, I guess..." "No, my dad." "My dad was the one that was like, "Let the kids go up in a helicopter."" "My mom was like, "No." My dad was like, "No, they'll be fine."" "Because I think my old man was like:" ""If the kids die, I get another crack at her alone."" "Because we were all crammed in the same room and shit." "So either that, or my old man was like:" ""While they're up in the helicopter and shit I'm gonna go tag her in the bathroom."" "Which I would like to think of my parents as being those people." "Who are just like, "Are the kids up there?" "All right, fucking do it quick."" "Which I don't..." "I don't think is disrespectful." "Like, my old man died last year, and I miss him like mad." "My mother misses him way, way fucking more." "But the older you get in life, the more you realize your parents are as full of shit as anybody else." "They're just like you, they probably did the same shit you do, shit like that." "And so I like to think of my parents not so much as, you know:" "Gods up on fucking pillars, as two people who are trying to fucking get it on in a bathroom, in a public restroom." "Like that, where old man's like, "You get on the other side of this wall and fucking glory-hole me, woman." You know." "It's true, though." "Whenever..." "I do miss my father but whenever I miss him, I just think of him in very human terms and shit." "Because when you miss the dead, you tend to really you know, think of all these wonderful things that they did and they had no flaws and shit like that." "And I tend to..." "To combat the emotions and the tears I tend to try to humanize my father as much as possible and just think about my old man being like..." "Trying to wake my mother up in the middle of the night rubbing it on her asshole." "And then my mother being like, "You're crazy." "Not now."" "Then my old man being like, "All right, just watch while I jerk off, then."" "And then I just kind of get silly." "I giggle." "Like, yeah, that was probably my father." "Because you never get to know that aspect of your parents, right?" "Particularly when they go away early." "I'd always ask my dad..." "I was like, "What were your dreams and shit?"" "And my old man was too cool for school, he was just like:" ""Are you asking me because you want to rub it in that I never achieved them?" "And that you're living the fucking dream and I'm stuck here with her?" You know." "My father was..." "I love him to death, and he took me to movies and shit." "I have a career in film because my old man would take me to movies show me movies, shit like that." "My old man took me to see The World According to Garp when I was so not age-appropriate." "Like, it was the kind of movie that I should have been like:" ""This fucking blows." "Why isn't he saying, 'Nanu Nanu,"' you know." "Because it's Mork." "But he kind of..." "He just wanted..." "He took me to see movies that he wanted to see." "Which really led to me having an appreciation for film beyond the simple fucking Raiders of the Lost Ark and Superman shit." "So I do miss him quite a bit." "But I find it always helps to just think of him as this fucking dude that I might have hung out with had I been a little younger or something like that." "And talked about like, "Did you get it last night?"" "He was like, "Oh, shit dude." "Fucking all over her back."" "Or just, like, my old man trying to, like, talk my mom into a fucking three-way with a hooker." "Or maybe not a hooker, like, you know, one of my fucking aunts." "Like a..." "Not a blood aunt but, like, one of those women that you call aunt but she just..." "They know..." "You know, the friends of your parents." "Like, you know, Uncle Jay to Harley." "He's not really her uncle, but we call him Uncle Jay and shit." "Or just my old man being like:" ""Why don't you, me, and fucking Judy get it on, Grace?"" "And Grace being like, "You are so fucking high, Don."" "And my father going to work every night at the fucking post office a soul-killing fucking job, just sitting there, processing mail." "He was a guy that canceled stamps, right?" "Whenever you got your mail and the stamp was cancelled that was my old fucking man." "And he hated fucking doing it and the only thing that kept him alive, night after night, was like:" ""I'm gonna get those two together." "Oh, sweet Jesus, I'm gonna get them together." "And it's gonna make up for this shit, I'll tell you what." "Then I'm gonna take Kev to see a matinee."" " Are we done, sir?" "Right on." " Thanks." "Good on you, with the Chuck Norris." "I'm not gonna let my mom see this." "Yes?" "So who's the biggest dick in Hollywood?" "Me." "I don't know, sir." "I don't know." " Who's the biggest dick I ever met?" " Yeah." "That we would know." "I guess he's up there." "Eisner, I mean, I never really had dealings with him." "Chuck Norris, I mean I don't know." "Tim Burton, Affleck." "No, no, not really." "Who?" "Who?" "The black guy?" ""The black guy, eh?" "You know, the one." "He's black."" "No." "No." "I can't honestly..." "There's the biggest dick I ever met." "Matt Damon is so not a dick." "He's a good guy." "I don't know." "Honestly, like, you know there are people I've talked about and shit." "And Doherty's not a dick." "She's actually all right." "Who?" "Russell Crowe I never met." "Maybe, though." "What?" "Apparently everybody has an idea except me." "You really should have directed it to them." "Yeah, I guess so." "But I don't know, there are people I've worked with that I haven't liked and I've, of course, talked about them at great lengths." "But I guess since that DVD I haven't really met anybody that I haven't really liked." "Although, there are people that I haven't liked that I used to like and now I'm just like, "What a dick."" " Such as?" " Mel Gibson." " Okay." " What happened?" "What happened to Riggs?" "Martin Riggs went..." "Really went crazy." "Like, fucking nuts, to the point where he's just like:" ""I'm not about stem cells." "I don't believe in chewing up little babies and feeding them to people."" "Like, "What?"" "Like, Gibson's..." "You know, he makes the fucking Passion, which, whatever." "But apparently during the Passion shit like, it outs that his old man is like a Holocaust denier." "Which is like, "What?"" "Your old man is one of those people that's just like, "It wasn't 6 million." "Maybe 2." "And I even doubt that." "And it was probably their own fucking fault."" "Strange shit like that." "And they belong to this real weird sect of Catholicism where they just don't recognize any pope post-Vatican II." "They like it when the priest was turned around, facing the other way." "Because back in the old pre-Vatican II, the Church..." "Mass used to be in Latin, and the priest would face away." "So he was always doing this shit." "And you'd be in the audience going, "What's going on?" "Oh, he's making Jesus."" "Like a cooking show but from the back." "But then he, you know, went and made the fucking..." "The Passion which, to me, was like, "Why bother?"" "Why would you bother making another movie about Jesus after The Last Temptation of Christ?" "The Last Temptation of Christ, to me, was the ultimate Jesus movie, right?" "Took Jesus, made him more interesting than he had ever been in the Bible." "Because in the Bible, it's all, you know, beatitudes and miracles and shit like that." "And then he dies, and he's a sacrificial lamb and he always has something nice to say or the right thing to say at the right time and shit." "But Last Temptation of Christ made him total pimp." "Because he was just like, "I don't know if I wanna be God."" "And then he goes out to the desert, and he comes back and he's like, "I used to believe in love, now I believe in this."" "And it's a fucking axe, and you're like, "Get him, Jesus!" "Cut him down!" "Break the chain of evil!" "Oh, Jesus is here!" "Shit's on!" "Kick his ass." "Kick his ass!"" "And then the fucking Passion movie they took the man's balls away." "Suddenly he was back to, like you know, "Blessed are the cheesemakers," and shit like that." "And then take it one step further, and they're like:" ""Let's beat the fuck out of Jesus."" "And they beat him up and shit, and just, I don't know I fucking took a lot of shit for making a movie about religion that had a fucking rubber poop monster in it." "And they made a movie where it was just like:" ""Is this Jesus?" "You fucking, fucking, fucking faggot!" You know." "Like total hate-crime Jesus." "Beat the shit out of him because he was a man of peace." ""We want war."" "And people went in droves." "They fucking paid." "They paid to go watch it and shit." "I was in..." "Where was I?" "I was in Texas the day that it opened." "And there was a multiplex that, like, had fucking 12, 24 screens something like that." "Religious group came in, bought every fucking screen and showed the Passion on all those screens." "Busloads of fucking Jesus-loving Christians coming in with kids." "Getting off the bus with little fucking kids who were just like, "We can't wait to see Jesus get beat up."" "And I was taught to love Jesus, not fucking beat him up." "So that movie, I was just so..." "So not down with." "And just..." "It didn't deviate, right?" "That's why I didn't feel the need to see it because like, fuck it, I read the book." "I know what's gonna happen." "It's like going into Titanic and shit." "The whole time, I was just like, "The boat fucking sinks."" "Like, we all know this." "There is no chance that the boat won't sink." "At least you go in to see fucking, like, you know, any..." "Of course, evil usually gets triumphed by good and shit like that." "But every once in a while, they throw you a curveball." "Empire Strikes Back ends miserably." "Everybody's like, "Oh, Jesus, everything went wrong." "And fucking he's gone, and this dude got his hand cut off and she liked the dude, but he was like, 'I know' and that was it, and fucking..."" "Nobody got what they wanted and Vader was just like, "I'll be back," you know, and..." "And then in the next movie everybody wins." "So..." "But, you know, you had no idea that was coming." "But with the fucking Jesus movie, like Titanic you know what's gonna happen." "Jesus is gonna hit the iceberg." "No two ways about it." "Any movie with Jesus in it is gonna end like this:" "So I was just like, "Fuck it." "I don't wanna go and see that."" "Like, you wanna show me a movie about Christ show me a movie about Christ's life where Christ's walking around, going, "You, get up, Zippy." "Right on." "You, here's some fish." "Where's the loaves?" "Coming at you." You know." "Not the movie where it's just like:" ""Oh, fuck," you know." ""Not again."" "If it were me, I would have deviated from the text I'd have done something a little differently." "Because fuck it, you know." "You know everyone's going anyway because they're Christians, right?" "What else they got to do?" "It's that, or watch Touched by an Angel." "So they're all going so they're expecting the fucking same old, same old and shit like that." "Just give them something different." "Spin it a little bit." "I would have..." "I would have set the movie up a little bit differently." "I wouldn't have gone like he did where we go through the passion of Christ and it ends with him fucking dying." "I say, fuck it, let him die right at the top." "Right away." "Curtain comes up and shit:" "The Passion of..." "Fucking... .the" "Christ, as told by Smitty." "And right away, it's just:" "And he's getting nailed up and shit like that." "And everyone's like, "Die, king of the Jews."" "And he's just like, "Oh, man." "Fucking at least we're gonna fucking do it." "You know, at least I'm gonna save these fucking people, shit like that."" "Five minutes, right away." "So the whole time, people are going:" ""I guess maybe they're gonna tell it in fucking flashback form." "Maybe we're gonna start at the end and work backwards."" "But, no, we don't do that." "Because just as he's out there about to die and pass into his fucking heavenly kingdom, the glory of God two ninjas swing in." "Two fucking ninjas swing in, wielding Uzis, just:" "Spraying centurions, and they're like, "Good God!" "Ninjas with Uzis!" "This is the most anachronistic movie ever made."" "And... hitting the ground." "And one fucking ninja scurries up the cross pulls out the claw hammer, pulls the nails out." "Puts Jesus over his shoulder, and he's like, "I'm supposed to die."" "And he's like, "Not on my watch."" "Then you've got interesting places to go." "Because you can go anywhere with that movie." "If I'm sitting there and that happened, I'd be like, "I'm fucking in."" "They get him to a safe distance and shit, and he's like, "Who are you?"" "And they pull off the masks:" "Jay and Silent Bob." "And that's it, they only have a cameo." "And then they're like..." "Silent Bob says something, pulls a quote from Star Wars and they pimp away, and Christ is left to live a normal life and shit." "And he's like, "I think I'm gonna become a fucking accountant." "I like numbers, you know." "I was real good with them loaves and the fishes." "Fuck it, I like numbers." "Multiplication is my bag."" "And then he's just like, "Fuck Christianity." "I'm a Satanist now."" "And he starts holding black masses when he's not doing math." "Like, you would fuck with a billion Christians' heads." "They'd be like, "Is this in the fucking book?" "Religion just came to life."" "You'd see a lot more kids get into it." "They're like, "Jesus is into Satan?" "Yes!" "I am down with G-O-D."" "But it don't fucking happen like that." "So I didn't go see that fucking movie." "Fuck it." "Me neither." "What was your question?" "The biggest dick in Hollywood." " Biggest dicks in Hollywood?" " Yeah." "Jesus." "Jesus fucking figures out..." "All right, did you ever see that movie Race With the Devil?" "Definitely not." "Race With the Devil is this old movie from the '70s with Warren Oates in it, right?" "Warren Oates, Loretta Swit and two other actors." "Who's the other one?" "Peter Fonda's the other one." "I forget who the other broad was." "And they're in a Winnebago, and they're driving around the country because this is, you know..." "That's what you did in the '70s." "And they come to a campground, shit like that and they're camping out, and they hear some music in the distance." "And they go out and look, and they go through the bushes and shit and there's a satanic ritual going on." "This little cult is sacrificing a virgin and shit." "And they see it, and they go:" "And then the Satanists turn around, and they're like:" "And they fucking spend the rest of the movie chasing this Winnebago." "Put Jesus in that movie." "As the guy who drives the Winnebago." "You know, there's some metaphor you can mix in there." "Christ is always leading us away from..." "And at the end of the movie, to get away from the Satanists they all hide behind a rock." " We good?" " We're good." " Thank you, sir." " Thanks." " Thank you, sir." " Thanks." "What would you do for a flying car?" "Lord?" "What would I do for a flying car?" "Fucking I would suck two dicks, sir." "Even if they were like, "You just gotta suck one."" "I'd be like, "That's worth two to me."" "You're can have a fucking sword fight in my mouth for the flying car." "Oh, like you wouldn't do it." "You're all liars." "Suck three dicks for the flying car." "Three at once." "Take it up the chute." "I'd fucking, turn me..." "Fuck you, I'm honest." "Turn me into a fucking pincushion, you give me a flying car." "Fuck you, straight people!" "Sir." "Okay, I don't know what the fuck to say to follow that." "You should be saying, "Sir, I have a flying car."" "And it's gonna cost you." "No, so my serious question was there's a little news article circulating the Internet about a week ago." "I know it's not true, but it was about Ben Affleck saying that he's pissed off at you about you making him..." "Like, appearances he doesn't wanna make." "And I know it's not true." "You've debunked it on your website." "I was wondering, maybe you could explain the story for us?" " Clarify?" "Yeah." " Yes." "So in an interview, he fuck..." "Somebody's like:" ""Hey, Kevin was mad you didn't go to the..."" "We had an opening of Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash in Westwood where we did a signing of the Clerks X DVD and the Jersey Girl DVD, which came out that same day." "I was like, "You want to come down?"" "Knowing, in a million years he never would." "Affleck doesn't do that kind of shit." "He's too busy fucking his career up." "So he was like, "No, dude, you know I'm not gonna do that."" "I said, "It's totally fucking cool."" "And when they interviewed him on the Surviving Christmas junket was just like, "Kevin was really mad you didn't go to that signing."" "Which I totally wasn't." "He knew I wasn't, but whatever." "But he was like, "Fuck Kevin and his fucking store." "And fucking putting himself on the all merchandise."" "The same fucking routine he always does." "The same, "You fucking sell shit with your face on it, you QVC whore."" "Go-to joke that he uses all the time." "And somebody..." "It was in the..." "Somebody put it, you know..." "Did a transcript of the interview on Dark Horizons and then this woman named Jeannette Walls who runs a column called The Scoop on MSNBC..." "She's a gossip whore." "I'm sorry, columnist." " Took a piece of the transcript, you know not kind of saying..." "Not putting it in context whatsoever, and said like:" ""Affleck's gone nuts and now he's just lashing out at his friends," and shit like that." "Called you gay." " What?" " Called you gay." "Called me gay." "Did he, in that piece?" "He called me gay?" "Oh, he wrote...?" "He signed it on the book?" "I know." "He stole my move." "I used to..." "Every time somebody gives me a Dogma book or a cover to the video, I always write "so gay" with an arrow pointing at him." "And now he's fucking like:" ""Dude, if I get to them first, I'm doing it." "I'm..." "So then you got nowhere to go."" "And then..." "So he writes "so gay," with an arrow pointing to me and then I write "not really, but really gay" with an arrow pointing to him." "Or I don't even write "gay" anymore I just write "Gigli," with an arrow pointing to him." "So anyway, Jeannette Walls ran it as, like, an item going like, "These two are at fucking war." "Affleck's gone out of his mind and he's attacking his friends and shit."" "But it was so not the case and it's such a shame that I had to fucking explain it at all and shit." "But not to you, just that I had to explain it on the website." "But I talked to him after that, I was like:" ""Dude, did you see what Jeannette Walls did?"" "And he was just like, "Dude, you knew I was kidding."" "I was like, "I knew you were kidding, but it's been excerpted places and people are trying to run it as a real item and shit like that." "So I just want you to know that from now on, I'm gonna say like:" "'I'm sorry, I couldn't read it, because I was too busy dodging a falling star."'" "And he was like, "Oh, you fucking bitch, you just..." "Now I mean it all."" "But it was just kind of a joke that got taken out of context." "Proving once again that they will find anything to write about that dude." "Like he's that fascinating." "Like, I love Ben, I think he's really funny and shit not that interesting." "Not interesting enough to warrant an item every week in US Weekly." "Which has really become Ben Weekly." "Which I actually kind of like, but..." "But, God, everything, they'll fucking write about." "There was one piece where they were like, "He wears a wig." "He was getting into a fucking game of Grab Ass at a bar with Vince Vaughn and Vince Vaughn ripped his wig off."" "We were shooting Jersey Girl at the time and I was like, "Dude, did you read this?"" "And he was like, "Grab Ass?" "Vince Vaughn?" "I haven't seen Vince Vaughn in two years."" "I'm like, "Keep reading." "Fucking wig!"" "I was like, "Yes, sir, yes." "They say you have a wig."" "He's like, "Fucking it's not a wig, dude, pull my hair."" "I was like, "I'll take your word for it, sir."" "But, yeah, they'll just fucking write shit about a bitch, man." "My heart goes out to him because he's had a bad fucking year with people just going like, "Let's fucking beat up on him and shit."" "But it just means that his comeback will be that much sweeter." "And God willing, it'll be in a film that I do because then that motherfucker will owe me so big." "So big, and then I'll be like:" ""You show up at a fucking signing, bitch."" " We good?" " Yeah, fuck the media." "Yeah, thanks." " Yeah, fuck the media, yes." " Fuck the media." " Yeah, fuck them hard, sir." " Fucking media." "Fuck them hard until I need them to promote a movie, then love them." "Bring the wife on-stage before you go." " What?" " Bring the wife up." "Bring the wife up?" "Is she...?" "Is she back there?" "Is the wife back there?" "Well, come on up, hon." "Come on up." "Get her this microphone, would you?" "Yes, yes, because we have to ask you a question." "She's got sweet titties!" "She does, sir, she does." "And you just ensured yourself that you'll never get to fuck her." "I don't know what you heard chicks don't really respond to that kind of attention." "You got sweet titties!" "You'll be throttling your cock for a lifetime with moves like that, sir." "Chicks like a more subtle approach than that." "Just for future reference." "She got the mike?" "You got the mike?" " She don't wanna answer, sir." " I'm too shy." " Just answer this one question." " Jay's gonna answer them for me." " Just answer one question." " I took off my gear." "How much of the shit I say..." "What'd I say?" "What'd I say?" "How much of the shit I say is true?" "She said, "None of it."" "Answer this question:" "Is your hand in Mewes' lap?" " No, sir." " No, no!" "He got up to look and shit." "He's like:" "Third question do you indeed have sweet titties?" " I do indeed." " "I do indeed."" "I mean, she does, indeed, she said." " What?" " She says." "Indeed, she does, she says." "What was the answer to the sweet-titties question?" "I didn't get it." " She said, yeah, she does." " Yeah." "Yes." "Yes." "The better answer to that is, "Not as sweet as yours, man boobs."" "I'm not as quick as you are." "I always gotta be writing for fucks." "Let's get to your question, though, sir." "Okay, my name's Dan, and it's half for you and half for Mewes." "I was wondering how much you had to pay Shannon Elizabeth to make out with Mewes on-screen." "Oh, sir, come on." "He's asking him how much he paid." "Just back up and stand under a light, sir." "So we can see you." "You're like fucking Batman." " That way?" " You're out of the light, sir." " Sir, really?" "Really in the light?" " Come into the light, sir." " Sir." " We're almost done." "Come up on-stage, sir." "But he asked you the question." "Ask the question again." "How much did Sha...?" "How much did you guys have to pay Shannon...?" "It was a lot of money until she saw this, sir." "Hold on." "No, not there." "Nana's there, and Jeff." "But, sir, come back." "Come on." "Ask Kevin." "How much was it?" "How much did she get paid?" " I'd like to know too." " Not a lot." "Not a lot." " See?" "Almost free, sir." " She got paid..." "She got paid to be in the movie, sir, but the kissing was for free." "And how many practice takes did you get with her?" "He made sure a lot." "I was like, "Make sure I'm gonna..."" " That's how I made 200 bucks." " It's really not the same as if..." "You know, like, if I found someone here and brought her in the back." "Because it's like, "Action," and you're like:" "Which is as a big a hint as, "I like Tim Hortons."" "What?" "What?" "Tim Hortons?" " A hint." " A hint of?" "Because you're like, "It's not the same as if I found someone..."" " If I get to fuck someone here tonight?" " There it is." "I saw a girl go:" "Are you raising your hand?" "What?" "Wait, wait, what are we doing?" "She raised..." "Come up to the mike, ma'am." "What was the...?" "He mentioned having sex, and then you were like:" "What's that all about?" "What's that all about, eh?" "He's fucking hot." "He's the hottest piece of ass I've ever seen." "Sir..." "So we're gonna fuck, you're saying?" "What now, sir?" "You want...?" "Use the thumb!" "Throw some half-half-whole up in that piece." "Wait, wait, no." "Show them what half-half-whole is, sir." "Show them what half-half-whole is." " You saw it." "It's..." " You show them." "Do half-half..." "Dude, you have to do it." "Go on." " I don't want to." " It's your signature move, sir." "Let the people know what half-half-whole is." " I don't wanna do it." " Just a little taste." " On the spot, I can't do it." " You just did it." "Just..." " It's that..." "I can't do it." " I'll do the voice, you do the move." " Ready?" " All right." "Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Jason Mewes, half-half-whole." "Sex with Jason Mewes." "Ready?" "Half, half, whole." "Then you gotta give the swivel head, ready?" "Half-half-whole, swivel head." "There's more, there's more." "Wait, ready?" "Wait." "Oh, he's not done yet, ma'am." "Because after the half-half-whole comes this slight moderation." "Ready?" "Half, half, whole." "Swivel." " Is there more?" " One more." " What is it?" " You'll see." "Ready?" "You know it, you know it." " I just got to follow you?" " Follow me, here we go." "I don't know what we're doing." " You'll follow..." "You'll hear it." " All right." "Half, half, whole." "Swivel." "Hide behind a rock." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Hey, Kevin." "she loves Kevin Smith, really." "Kevin Smith, he's brilliant." "Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Smith." "That was...." "That was a really-- That was a sweet reaction." "That almost, almost makes up for the fact that, you know Charles is gonna marry Camilla." "Almost." "This is a very intimate room." "When I heard "theater" I was like, "Right on, theater."" "But this is kind of like Affleck's living room." "Except not as many whores, I don't think." "We have a few members of the British press in attendance tonight as well." "So if you see people writing shit down punch them in the face." "Not really." "Bunch of them went, "Nuts."" "The British press I've had, you know, a decent relationship with." "I haven't really gotten beaten the shit out of like some people but last time I was here, I got into a bit of a row, as they say with some fucking chavs in the British press." "That's the thing, they weren't even chavs." "If they were chavs, I couldlve gotten along with them but they were just three fucking cunts." "I don't say that in the charming British, like, llOh, you fucking cunt.Il" "I say it in the hard-core American, like, llYou dirty fucking cunt!" "Il" "These three broads, they call themselves the 3am Gir's they write for the Mirror, is that it?" "So youlve heard of them." "We were coming over to do a Jersey Girl premiere and, of course, Affleck, at the last minute" "Well, not llof course.Il We all expected he was going." "But suddenly came down with bronchitis" "Hence his new nickname, llBronchifer.Il" "and had to bow out." "So it was me and the little girl, Raquel Castro, who's in the movie who wound up doing all the press which was, you know, weird, because nobody knows her and what do you ask an 8-year-old anyway?" "Like, llWhat do you wanna be when you grow up?" "Il" "Because the kid's like, llFuck you, llm it." "Ilm acting.Il" "And then me, who wasn't really in the movie." "Basically, I was the guy who was just making excuses for the movie apparently, most of the time." "So it was kind of a lackluster premiere and it was heralded in the 3am Gir'sl column by" "You know, I never forget anything, so I bring shit." "I have an elephant-- Elephantine-like memory." "And ass." "So this is-- This is what they said initially.." "I'surprise, surprise, Ben Affleck has pulled out of the U.K. premiere of movie turkey..." ",Jersey Girl, in which he starred alongside ex-fiancée, Jennifer Lopez." "The star was due to attend tonight's screening with director Kevin Smith and young actress Raquel Castro but the 31 -year-old is staying away because he has, ahem, bronchitis.Il" "That llahemll is just like-- Just dig it in, you know?" "So anyway, this is the part that really stood out to me." "It's a quote.." "Ill't's a shame Ben has pulled out because it's obvious this film needs all the publicity it can getl says an insider.Il" "Now, A, we didn't want publicity on the movie." "We had too much of it." "Sadly, all bad." "But the thing that really bugged me, who the fuck is the insider?" "Like a British insider?" "Like, who was it?" "As far as I know, there were no Brits in the cast or the crew." "And I checked." "Because I said llcuntll an awful lot." "If you say it here, people are like, llRight on, mate,ll you know." "You say it back home, theylre like, llOh, cunt?" "Il" "As if people don't like it." "As if we were in Toronto." "So the quote" " Or the insider went on to say.." "Il't's unusual for none of the big stars to put in an appearance and it says a lot about what they think of the movie.Il" "What?" "So who is this fucking random person and why do they have so much to say, and why--?" "Is their finger really on the pu'se and shit?" "Like they know so much about Hollywood." "So welre at the premiere that night, and this chick, Caroline Hedley who is one of the 3am Gir's." "Hedley." "You know, right there." "Most people are named, you know, back in the day for what they did." "Ilm Smith, presumably somewhere in my line I had a blacksmith." "Hedley?" "That says cocksucker to me." "So...." "So lim meeting with Caroline Hedley and of course I fucking remembered her name and her atrocious-looking face from the byline." "So I said, llHey, what's up?" "Who's the insider?" "Why are you trashing the movie without giving it a shot?" "Why do you have to write like that?" "Why does it always have to be negative?" "Can't it be positive?" "Little girl's here, first time in England, she's in the movie, and why--?" "Il" "And she's like.." "IlYou know what, youlre right." "Youlre turning me around here.Il" "And I was like, lll am?" "Il" "And I said, llRight on.Il So I started giving her a pretty decent interview." "Then she wrote this.." "Il't's obvious to everyone e'se that Ben Affleck and J. Lo do not a good movie make." "But at least the director of their latest flick has the grace to admit as much." "The pair dubbed lBenniferl made Jersey Girl before their rather acrimonious split earlier this year.Il" "Now, this is my quote." "This is the guy saying" "This is the director having l'the grace to admit as much.Il" "Illl think from now on llm gonna have a no-couples rule in my movie,I he said.Il" "That's me." "I'the negative vibe surrounding them has definitely taken away some of the business we could have done.Il" "Is that really me admitting to anything, or going like, llllm so fucking sorry." "This is the worst thing that's happened to humanity since the Holocaust and I don't know what I was thinking." "Please, mea culpa, mea culpall?" "No, not at all." "But this is the really weird thing." "She refers to me as I'the movie's fat, bearded, hobbit-look-alike director, Kevin Smith.Il" "Now, llll take fat and bearded and you can throw in sweaty but hobbit-like?" "Like, if lim a hobbit, this bitch is an Orc." "But the thing that really bitched me out the most the thing I really couldn't stand, was the insider thing because it's just so vague, right?" "You could make shit up and be like, lllnsider told me." "Total insider.Il" "And I think, in this case, it meant some dude was fucking inside her." "But two can play at that game because I did some investigating of my own and insiders tell me vis-a-vis, regarding the 3am Gir's that for a euro not a pound, mind you, a fucking euro you could take any one of the 3am Gir's and brick in her fucking mouth." "Now, mind you, I don't know if that's true." "It's just what some insiders told me." "Seemed credible." "But these British press people aren't like that so don't punch them in the fucking face." "I changed my mind in the middle of that story." "All right, so enough about fucking me." "Let's go over to you guys and then come back to me." "Who's got the mike first?" "This side of the room." "You got it?" "You got the mike?" "Yeah, it's a real hand-raising" "And don't, you know-- Jut right the fuck" "Be American about it." "Like, llHey, I demand things!" "It is my right, according to our Constitution that we piss all over.Il" "First question of the night, sir." "Set the tone." "Okay." "First of all, on behalf of everyone here, thanks a lot for coming to England." "'t's great to have you here." "Thank you, very grateful to be here." "Thank you." "Thank you." "My question is regarding your fictional cartoon characters..." "..." "Bluntman and Chronic." "Yes." "Is there a chance that we might see a Bluntman and Chronic movie?" "And a'so, if you don't make one is there a particular Marvel or DC comic character that yould like to make a movie about seeing as youlve already starred in Daredevil," "So basically, in England there's a 45-part question?" "It's never as simple as, like, llWho would you fuck?" "Il" "Ilm like, llWell...." "Il" "Let's take it piece by piece." "live gotta wait for you to get around the room, so I've gotta get it all in now." "Right, right." "Cram it all in there." "Exactly." "I understand." "I grew up fat." "So I always understand the feeling of, like, I'this might be my last meal.Il" "That's why that's" "You feel my pain, thank you." "You got--?" "Oh, really?" "All right, let me see what your gut." "You don't look that fat." "Youlre sitting next to a chick?" "Do you know him?" "No?" "You will by the end of the night." "Ilm gonna romance you two." "For each other." "Oh, youlre with him?" "Fuck that guy." "Why--?" "He seems rather fit." "Go for the heavy guy." "Heavy guys are awesome lovers." "Once you get past the grotesque swinging gut." "Heavy guys try harder because theylve got a lot to make up for." "And theylre so fucking slobberingly grateful for even the tiniest piece of pussy theylre thrown you will be eaten out like youlve never been eaten out before." "Youlll be eaten out like a man coming off a desert island digging into a chicken." "I mean, you do have the skil's to back this up, right?" "I would hate to go this distance and have you be like.." "I'sorry, I like cock, you know.Il" "So Bluntman and Chronic." "Are we ever gonna make a Bluntman and Chronic movie?" "Came close." "And that's what eventually became Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." "Like, I had initially thought;" "IlHey, maybe a whole movie about Bluntman and Chronic.Il" "I forget who I ran it past." "I think I ran it past Mewes, and I was like;" "IlWhat about us as superheroes the whole movie?" "Il" "He was like, llYou really wanna do that?" "Il" "I was like, llWouldn't it be cool?" "We can do, like, a fake comic-book movie.Il" "He's like, llYoulre gonna wear tights?" "Il" "I was like, llYoulre right, maybe just a scene.Il" "Because we don't need that." "So, no, probably no Bluntman and Chronic feature." "Maybe in the comic-book form." "Maybe llll get around to doing another Bluntman and Chronic comic but I can't see myself doing a whole" " A whole feature about it." "And what about the sort of X-Men-type character angle?" "Would you ever think about doing like a Batman- or Superman-type movie?" "Or a Fantastic Four?" "Do a big comic-book movie?" "Yeah." "At one point I was attached, and still am kind of, to The Green Hornet," "I was gonna" " I was doing Superman at one point a long time ago." "But" " And we won't talk about that anymore." "But I was attached to do Green Hornet, ...up till recently when I decided to not direct it." "I wrote it." "I turned in a first draft, turned in a second draft but I don't wanna direct it, because for me I don't have the patience to do a movie like that." "Like, Harvey Weinstein, the chairman of Miramax is like;" "IlYou wanna do the Green Hornet movie?" "Il" "And I was like, llYou wanna give me--?" "You wanna give me a comic-book movie?" "I love comic books.Il" "He's like, I'that's why I asked you.Il" "Said, lll would fucking love to do it.Il" "It was one of those things that youlre so happy to get that you don't think about it until, you know the smoke is fucking cleared and it's announced and shit like that that you have no interest in doing it whatsoever." "Like, I love watching comic-book movies, but making one?" "Fucking boring." "Like, the few times I've actually had to shoot an action sequence what passed for an action sequence in some of the flicks welve done it's always so tedious and fucking slow and it's just, like, you grab this little piece here then you shoot that fucking until it's right then you grab this little piece here." "It's a series of cuts." "Whereas, shooting dialogue, it's just people shooting the shit and theylre saying the dialogue you wrote and lim kind of in love with my own shit, so it's just fun." "Ilm like, I'that's great, let's do it again.Il Like, ll't wasn't good enough?" "Il" "Ilm like, ll't was great, I just wanna hear it again.Il" "Action sequences take like a day to shoot and at the end of the day, when you cut it together it's like maybe 1 0 seconds of screen time." "So that kind of shit's boring to me." "A'so, I just don't have it in me to be a real, like, visual, visceral director." "Like, llm not the guy-- My version of the Green Hornet, ...would be, like, the Green Hornet and Kato Ieaning against the Black Beauty the amazing super car that can do anything and talking about, you know, pussy." "I mean, it's that simple." "And then Kato would just be like;" "IlHey, is that a crime happening over there?" "Il" "Pointing off camera." "And we wouldn't even pan to it." "And Green Hornet would be like, llYeah, youlre right." "We should do something about it." "Let's roll, Kato.Il" "And then they step out of the frame and we hold on the car, and we just hear shit ass kicking, and then the two come back and theylre just like;" "I'so where was I?" "Oh, totally, dude." "Anal sex has nothing to do--ll You know, and just go on from there." "And nobody wants to make that movie." "Like, if I could get away with making that version of the movie like, the least visually interesting comic-book movie of all time that's essentially like one of my chick" "One of my flicks, but just putting motherfuckers in masks, lld do it." "But nobody will finance that." "And the thing is, once you take a budget" "Like, the budget in Green Hornet is gonna be like 50, 70, 80 million bucks." "Once you take a budget you have to start listening to what other people say." "It's no longer your flick." "Green Hornet would never be my movie." "It would always be like this movie that was kind of noted to death because, wisely, the people who invest the money in it which would be Miramax or whatever the new company Miramax becomes or Harvey and Bob become when they leave Miramax they would wanna make back their investment." "You don't make your money back doing my version of the movie." "So essentially theyld be like;" "IlAn action beat has got to happen every 1 0 pages.Il" "Youlve got to follow a formula." "Like, yould hear a lot of like, llDo it like Spider-Man,ll" "Something like" " What, he should shoot fucking webs and act really stiffly?" "I was gonna say, if you were to make it would you put Affleck in the leading role?" "I would totally cast Affleck." "Totally, totally." "I would cast that dude in anything." "Anything whatsoever." "Yeah, Green Hornet," "Ild cast him as Green Hornet and Kato." "Just have him doing a really insu'ting Asian accent." "Do split screen." "Have him talk to himself." "IlKato, do you like pussy?" "Il llOh, me love pussy.Il" "Just where critics were like, llWe don't even know what to say." "He's fucking lost his mind." "Yeah, it's funny, but he lost his mind, you know?" "Il" "So, no, youlve got to give movies like that to people like Bryan Singer." "Like, you know, I love-- He did the X-Men, he did X-Men 2." "And I love those movies." "He's doing Superman now." "And I love fucking X-Men 2," "I thought that was an insanely well-made comic-book movie and balanced a lot of story lines and shit like that." "And just it works so well because it's just one big, gay parable." "You know, essentially X-Men is about being gay and how weird it is to live in a world surrounded by people who are like;" "IlYoulre gay.Il" "So it's totally entertaining." "But meanwhile, you know, most people don't view it like that." "Most people view it, you know, the way it's presented where fucking Toad is getting the shit beat out of him by Cyclops or some such shit." "Or Wolverine is taking on fucking" "Colonel Stryker's attacking-- The team attacking the mansion." "But me, llm sitting there going, I'this is all about being gay.Il" "So you come out of the theater and little kids are like, lll love Wolverine.Il" "And youlre like, llCome here, come here." "You like Wolverine, dude?" "Because if you like Wolverine it's pretty much saying that yould put a cock in your mouth." "Let me explain shit to you about what a gay parable this movie is.Il" "Then you drop science on, you know, a little 1 0-year-old for 20 minutes and then, by the end, you send him off into the world ready to eat cock." "Because that's what the X-Men movie is." "It's just preparing a whole next generation of kids to be like;" "IlHey, it's all right to be gay." "Ilm down with it." "Wolverine's gay." "That fat guy told me he is.Il" "So lim kind of hoping Bryan Singer takes, like, Superman and just turns that into a gay parable as well." "Just make it all about how Superman's gay and Lois is like, llOh, Superman!" "Il And he's like, llWhatever." "Hey, Jimmy I see you have a camera.Il" "So, I don't" " Give it to those cats." "Those cats know how to make movies like that." "I don't know how to make movies like that and lim really not that interested." "Like, as soon as the smoke cleared from Green Hornet and the fallout of Jersey Girl, I was just like;" "IlYou know what, fuck, lld rather make a small movie.Il" "Ild rather make something cheap." "And that's eventually" "Then we were working on the Clerks X DVD, the 1 0th anniversary DVD." "And I was like, I'this is what lid rather do." "Ild rather go back and see what these dudes are about.Il" "It's like making The Green Hornet, just taking off the mask." "Well, my version of The Green Hornet, But just taking off the mask." "So that's where I switch and was just like;" "I'this is what lid rather-- This is what lim made to do.Il" "Like, I'this is what I like to do, shit like this.Il" "I love to watch comic-book movies just don't wanna make them." "Too lazy." "Way too lazy." "Because they just require too much effort and shit like that." "Ilm the guy who, like-- I don't even fuck on top, sir." "Like, llm a bottom guy because being on top takes too much energy." "Like, well, how can I direct a superhero movie if I won't even have" " Give my wife the courtesy of climbing aboard." "Where lim just like, llGo.Il" "Maybe youlre looking to be the antihero in that?" "In my relationship with my wife?" "Like lim the villain and shit?" "I hadn't thought about it like that." "I guess so." "My idea of being Lex Luthor is like, llNo, you fuck me.Il" "IlDon't you want to take over the world?" "Il" "IlNo." "I just don't want to do the fucking because I get sweaty, and then the gut swings." "Just, you jump onboard and tell me when youlre done and then llll wrap up, and welll watch some TV.'l" "So no Bluntman and Chronic." "Thanks a lot." "Right on." "Upstairs." "Hello." "Hello." "Where are you?" "lim actually up here." "You missed me." "Hello." "One, I think youlre great." "I love all your movies and your comics." "Thank you." "IlComics.'l" "Your comics." "So cute." "IlComics.'l" "llNever read one because lim a girl.'l" "That is not true!" "You read comics?" "I've got loads." "Youlre a comic-reading chick?" "Yes." "Right on." "Hard-core." "Got over 300." "You must be fucking swamped in a comic-book store." "I used to work at Forbidden Planet, so I've got loads of access." "Did you really?" "You worked there?" "Yeah." "You know half those dudes came in they didn't even give a shit about comics, they were just like;" "I'she's got boobies.'l" "Big ones, I know." "I'she's one of those, what do you call them?" "What do you call them, Gordon?" "Ladies." "Yes." "She's one of them ladies." "Hello, love.'l" "My accent" " My accent's not that bad." "It's not that bad?" "live got a comic-book store." "I know what lim talking about." "Same shit, they just don't have the cute accent." "Illl come work in your shop, then." "Yeah." "Oh, please do." "Weld triple business." "Weld triple foot traffic." "I don't know if anybody would buy anything unless you were like;" "IlWho wants to buy this, I rubbed it on me bum.'l" "Then yould see motherfuckers trample one another to get a book that touched a lady's bum." "I hope you got a question." "My question is, though, you listed Shaun of the Dead, ...as one of your top-1 0-favorite films of last year" "I loved Shaun of the Dead." "Would you consider working with them?" "That's so easy, man." "You just come to the fucking" "Do the hometown favorites." "Youlre like, lll love Shaun of the Dead,ll theylre like;" "I'so did we." "Welre fucking British.'l" "I love The Office." "IlHe's a smart one, he is.'l" "I don't like The Office," "You don't like The Office?" "No." "Get out." "You didn't like The Office?" "No." "Office is brilliant." "'t takes all sorts." "That job I offered you?" "Forget it." "It does take all sorts." "So anyway, your question was?" "Would you consider working with them?" "Would I consider working with the bunch that did Shaun of the Dead?" "I mean, yeah, if they were like, llHey, you wanna be in our movie?" "Try to ruin it like you ruin all yours?" "Il" "I just can't imagine they would-- They don't need help, man." "Those dudes are doing great." "I never saw Spaced, is that what it's called?" "Yeah." "It's really scary." "Until I was flying over and watched an episode on the plane." "Fucking brilliant." "It's really, really cool." "So lim gonna grab like" "I guess the first three seasons are out here?" "There's only two." "There's only two?" "Yeah, welve been bugging them for the third season for quite a long time now." "When you say llwe,ll you mean?" "The British public." "Me and my bloke." "We go to the network, welre like where's three, eh?" "It's like the first question that's always asked, like, llWhat's a Nubian?" "Il" "IlWhen's season three coming out?" "Il llOh, for fuck's sake.'l" "They get that question a lot, do they?" "And then theylre like, llWait a second, youlre one of them ladies.'l" "Yeah, so I like that." "I thought that was really funny and kind of very much in the" "Looked and fe't like Shaun of the Dead." "So now I wanna see all that." "I love those dudes, but I don't think theyld need any help." "Seem to have their own crew going." "Call them." "Next time they work an event, llll tell them to call you." "Right on." "I think lim gonna see them." "I think-- lim doing the Empire Awards." "Ilm getting an Empire Award." "Empire magazine has an awards thing they do every year and theylre giving me an award." "And I think those dudes are gonna be there, so lim gonna hit them up." "Be like, llCan I be in one of your movies?" "Il" "Theylre like, lll think the fat Clerks guy wants to be in one of our shows." "No.'l" "Thank you very much." "llJ." "Lo lover.'l" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Down here." "Yes, sir?" "Yeah, a while ago you did the commentary the director's-cut commentary, with Richard Kelly." "I did the Donnie Darko commentary, yes." "Just, basically, I wanted to know, A, how that came about and, B, there was a kind of phrase that you said where you kind of said to Richard;" "IlNow youlve done Donnie Darko people are wanting you to remake this film, like, over and over.'l" "And you said that's basically how you fe't with Clerks." "I was just gonna ask, with hindsight would you actually consider going back and maybe have done Jersey Girl earlier or maybe have done something without Jay and Bob?" "Would l--?" "Well, I don't think now, having done Jersey Girl, ...I don't think lid ever make another movie without Jay and Silent Bob." "Because people are like, llAre they in it?" "No?" "Fuck it." "Fuck it.'l" "But, no, I don't think lid ever do" "Ild have ever done anything differently, looking back." "I really kind of like the way the dominoes fell." "You know, and it sucked that Jersey Girl didn't do more business but, like, whatever, it doesn't make me go and wanna go back and to catch the fucking DeLorean, jump back in time and nearly have sex with my mother." "For the record, I took my brother to see Jersey Girl," "He said it was your Annie Hall, which I think is a really big compliment." "And he said what?" "He said it was your Annie Hall." "My Annie Hall?" "I thought he was like, ll't was your only hole.'l" "What is that?" "British slang for, like, llgood jobll?" "It's your only hole, mate." "Youlre only fucking hole you fucking cunt." "Annie Hall?" "He called it my Annie Hall?" "That's very sweet." "I basically mumble because some fat guy told me about Wolverine was gay, you see." "So youlre gay?" "Not really." "No?" "Lot more options when youlre gay." "Shit's opened up." "I was at a comic-book show and...." "Pun intended." "I was at a comic-book show in San Francisco about two weeks ago the WonderCom and at the same time, across the street they were having this big bear convention about the bear movement." "Like where big dudes who look like me, and, if I may, like you who are kind of, you know, hairy and large are referred to in the gay community as llbears.'l" "There apparently are a bunch of dudes who like dudes who look like us." "Those dudes are called cubs." "Or twinks." "But I like llcubs.'l That's cute." "So apparently, like, these dudes make out like" "Like my friend Malcolm Ingram." "Big, big burly dude." "I don't know, you mightlve seen him in stuff." "He directed Drawing Flies, and he's been around some of our stuff." "Great guy." "Big Canadian idiot." "But one day he was just like-- He called me up" "And he never represented himself as being anything but into chicks." "Then one day he called me up like, llFucking weirdest thing happened.'l" "I was like, llWhat is it?" "Il He said, lll went out with some dude." "Went out to dinner, and turned out it was a fucking date.'l" "And I was like, llWhat?" "Il And he was just like;" "Ill just thought I was going out to dinner with a fucking dude and it was the fucking date load." "All of a sudden, we were on a date." "He told me he was gay and we were on a date, eh?" "Il" "I was like, llWell, did you then accept the fact that you were on a date or--?" "Il" "He was like, llWell, you know, he was paying.'l" "So that was Malcolm's" "Years later, I realized that was Malcolm's charming way of saying;" "IlHey, llm gay,ll without just saying, llHey, llm gay.'l" "He acted like he got fucking hornswoggled into being gay." "I'some dude bought me a pizza, and all of a sudden lim gay." "Go figure." "Well, I guess that's what I am, you know.'l" "So Malcolm told me, Malcolm's like;" "IlDude, fucking A, if you liked guys yould be huge in the bear community because, you know, you fucking make movies and youlre very sexy to cubs.'l" "And I was like, llWhat?" "Il" "And he was like, I'truly." "You wanna see?" "This is a picture of my boyfriend.'l" "And Malcolm whipped out a picture of his boyfriend and I would fuck this dude." "Like this dude's real, like, Joe-college cute and shit like that." "Like real good-looking dude." "And the fact that he wants to fuck Malcolm is like...." "I wanna get the kid some therapy." "Some help." "Because I got no problem with being gay but, like, being gay and wanting to fuck Malcolm?" "Youlre like, llllm choosing a life of nothing but fucking ridicule and people fucking getting on my ass and I can't fucking do what straights fucking do without hearing it from the fucking Church and lim gonna fuck the fat bearded guy too,ll you know?" "Like just make it a little harder on himself." "So Malcolm's like, llllm telling you, man if this straight thing don't work out for you you can totally fucking fuck a lot of guys.'l" "And I was like, llAll right, man, that's good to know.'l" "Because it would just kind of open up a world of options." "He's like, llYou go to a fucking bear bar, yould be Marilyn Monroe.'l" "And that's when I started thinking about it." "Because I always kind of wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe." "That didn't pan out for me." "So lim like, llEssentially these dudes are like chubby chasers?" "Il" "He's like, llYeah, you know, you don't have to be mean about it.'l" "And I was like, llWell, I married a chubby chaser, apparently.'l" "He's like, llWell, but, you know, she don't have a dick.'l" "And that's when we moved onto another topic." "So, yeah, bears, dude. if you ever think about" " Fucking, yould make out." "Apparently." "Yeah." "You like chicks, though?" "Yeah." "I haven't found one in about 1 0 years though, so...." "Time to try the guys." "I know." "What was your question, though?" "I mean, basically, the whole Donnie Darko thing was because apparently youlre in Southland Tales?" "Ilm in Richard's movie Southland Tales," "He cast me in it." "I don't know if lim in it yet." "We haven't shot yet." "'t's just kind of the whole kind of second movie thing." "I mean, if you could go back in time would you do Mallrats with Miramax rather than Universal?" "Yeah, basically, if I could go back in time and narrowly avoid sleeping with my mother like Marty McFly I wouldn't have made the movie" "I wouldn't have made Mallrats at Universal." "I would have waited another year and then made it at Dimension." "Because at that point Dimension existed as this kind of genre offshoot of Miramax but they didn't do comedy, they only did shit like The Crow," "So a year later they started doing genre comedy as well." "So we could totally fit right in there." "Which is where we wound up doing Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back," "That was about it." "That would be the only thing I would kind of think about changing." "But I don't really have any regrets regarding doing Mallrats at Universal." "I mean, I did on opening weekend, when the movie did, like, no business." "But then the movie found its audience." "It was kind of this wonderful organic discovery of its audience." "And the audience discovered it, and suddenly it fe't like;" "I'that's the way it was supposed to happen.'l" "I just wish somebody told me when I had the fucking shotgun in my mouth." "The day after the movie opened, you know, where I was just like;" "IlOh, it's over.'l" "But I didn't have any bullets." "So I don't think I would have changed that." "Southland Tales is a movie Richard Kelly is doing." "For those of you who don't know Richard Kelly he's the guy who directed Donnie Darko," "And he was like, llHey, you wanna be in this flick?" "Il" "And I was like, llRight on.'l" "Because you ask me to be in a movie, llm like, llOkay.'l" "Because lim kind of a whore for that thing, that kind of shit." "So I said, llWhat do I do?" "Il" "And he was just like, llYoulre a guy who" "Youlre kind of like a Harry Knowles kind of guy." "You run an internet site." "It's not really a movie, it's called Southland Tales." "You traffic in Southland section of Los Angeles gossip." "Kind of like a Drudge." "And I was like, llRight on.'l" "So, you know, I read it." "Brilliant script." "I was like, llllm totally in.'l" "A month ago, he wrote me an e-mail, he's going;" "Illlm doing a redraft of your character, and youlre still the guy who you are but now youlre an Iraqi war vet and you have no legs.'l" "So I was like, llLike Lieutenant Dan?" "Il" "He said, llKind of like that.'l" "He's going, llA'so, I was wondering and I hope you don't take this too personally but I was wondering if" " Do you think you could lose 50 pounds to do it?" "Il" "And I was like, lllf you chop off my legs, I will lose 50 pounds.'l" "I said, llOther than that, unless youlve got, you know like gastric bypass in your budget that's really not gonna happen, Richard.'l" "He's like, llRight, right." "What about shaving your head?" "Il" "And I was like, llNo." "That shit's going thin already." "Like, llm not gonna speed the plow on that one." "Fuck it.'l" "He was like, llAll right." "But you will pretend you have no legs?" "Il" "I was like, llYeah, that's easy.'l" "He's like, llRight on.'l Click." "Because he's just, you know" "He's the most normal guy youlll sit there and talk to." "He's a dude from Virginia and shit." "Real straight-laced." "Good guy." "Talk movies and shit." "But, like, then you see Donnie Darko and the credits roll, and youlre like, llWhat the fuck happened?" "What happened in that movie?" "Il" "And I ask him, and he still can't fucking explain it." "Southland Tales, you can understand." "It kind of" " Like, it makes sense." "But Donnie Darko, still to this day, is fucking mystifying." "And he" " I don't even think he knows what the fuck it means." "I think he just shot a bunch of shit, threw it in the air taped it back together and said, llHere it is.'l" "And people were like, ll't's brilliant!" "Il Especially here." "They loved it here." "You guys ate it up like fucking candy over here." "In the States, people are like;" "But here they were like, llDarko." "Darko's our religion,ll you know." "Richard is very, very happy with the reception of the movie here." "I told him I was coming over here and he was like, I'they love my movie there, dude.'l" "I was like, llllll be sure to drop your name.'l" "He's like, llBut don't tell them the role I want you to play in Southland Tales,ll" "I said, lll won't." "Il" "We good?" "Thanks very much." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you, sir." "Yes?" "ln Jersey Girl one of the funniest bits, I found, was the whole Will Smith story line." "Yes." "I just wondered how you managed to get him in the film." "Did he had to have a special contract where he was contractually obligated not to do any of his raps?" "That's one very long question that just builds up to you fucking slamming Will Smith." "You don't even wanna know anything." "Youlre just like, llllm going to ask a question and totally make fun of Will Smith." "The floor is mine.'l" "I think he's great, but the raps are a bit dodgy." "Theylre dodgy, are they?" "You don't go for, like, llGet Jiggy Wit 't?" "Il" "It's a shame." "Illl let him know." "You are a white girl, though." "I don't know if he really writes for you." "How did we get him?" "It was, basically-- There was a contract involved." "It was a contract he had to sign that said this would be the lowest-grossing movie he's ever been in." "Because that movie-- Like, he opens in movies and just fucking...they fucking explode and shit." "We were probably the lowest-grossing movie that dude's done in 1 0 years." "Like, llm sure he looks at his track record, he's like;" "IlHundred million, 1 00 million, 1 00-- What the fuck's that?" "It goes off the chart.'l" "I'that's Jersey Girl,ll" "IlFucking fat guy." "Ruined my edge.'l" "How did we do it?" "We got him through Ben and Jen, really." "Because I sent him the scene and shit, and sent him a letter" "Originally, it was written for Bruce Willis because it was set in l85, and it was around that period where Bruce Willis thought he was a singer for a little while." "I don't know if you all remember that?" "When he was Bruno and he released an album as Bruno?" "When you pick up the album, youlre like, I'that looks like Bruce Willis.'l" "And people would be like;" "Il't is.'l" "He did." "He released two albums as fucking Bruno and shit." "As if we wouldn't notice that it was Bruce Willis." "And held go on stage, and people would be like;" "IlYou gotta call him Bruno.'l" "I thought that was so funny." "So I wrote about that." "Like, basically he ran into" "Basically, the thing that Ollie got fired for for was for essentially being;" "Il't's fucking Bruce Willis." "It's not Bruno.'l" "And then later on he met him years later and shit like that." "And we sent it to Bruce Willis, and Bruno, just to be safe." "I never heard back from him." "Ben was just like, llllll fucking handle this, dude." "We were in the fucking space-rock movie together." "Running from the space rock and shit." "Helll fucking answer me back because I was like, lHarry, I love you.'ll" "And Harry didn't answer him back and shit." "Harry's like, lll don't love you back,ll you know." "So we never got a response, so I rewrote it." "I was thinking, llAll right, that leaves us out of l85." "We can update it." "And who is, you know, if I count back Gertie's age who would be the pop-cu'ture figure who was, like, big now who wasn't that big then.'l And I was like, llOh, shit, Will Smith.'l" "So I wrote it for Will Smith and then we got it to him, and he was like;" "IlYou know, I kind of-- 't's funny, and lid kind of like to do it but I think if I play myself people might think lim arrogant.'l" "Because he's such a sweet guy, and so, like, unassuming and one of the best people in the business." "Real sweetheart of a fucking dude." "So I was like, llYoulve gotta talk to him, dude,ll you know, to Ben." "I was like, I'talk to him." "Talk that famous-person talk to him and shit." "Start talking, like, in the millions and whatever you guys make and shit." "Bentleys, Hummers, throw those words around." "You know, and maybe helll say yeah.'l" "So Ben talked to him and shit, and Ben was just like;" "IlLook, man, like, don't worry." "Like, he's easy to work with and shit." "And youlll come off great." "Trust me, like, you playing yourself, you come off way better than when I played myself in this motherfucker's last movie." "So do it.'l" "So basically, those" " Ben-- And then a'so Jen talked to him because they were gonna do a movie together at one point Will and Jen, this remake of A Star Is Born or something." "So she knew him through that." "So they both basically asked him and spoke to him and made him feel at ease." "And he was like, llAll right, llll do it.'l" "Showed up, greatest fucking-- The sweetest dude in the world." "No entourage and shit." "Nice dude." "And it was weird, like, rehearsing with him because youlre, like-- Held do the lines, llm like;" "IlYou wouldn't say it like that.'l" "He's like, llWell, the hell I wouldn't." "It's me, ain't it?" "Il You know." "Ilm like, llAll right, youlre right." "Get jiggy with it,ll you know?" "What's the big chav community out here?" "What's the big chav community out here?" "Not in this room." "Anyone--?" "Is anyone really--?" "What is indicative or representative of a chav here?" "Burberry?" "Burberry?" "Is that a town, or the scarf?" "It's a scarf?" "So if you wear a Burberry scarf youlre a chav?" "So my wife is a chav?" "Trousers tucked into socks?" "A chav will take your wallet?" "Good to know." "I know a few chavs." "I brought one with me." "Are you back there, chav?" "This shit's always pretty well planned." "Is there a chav buried back there anywhere?" "Is there one?" "Ladies and gentlemen, my chav, Jason Mewes." "What's a chav again?" "They love me." "It's amazing." "Why don't you field some questions, sir?" "Ilm here." "Ilm ready." "I have a story to tell, though." "Yeah?" "About your toilets." "Yes." "I think lim gonna bring the toilets that you have out here because it's really deep and there's hardly any water in it." "So I feel bad for the women who have to clean the shit that, like, slides on the side." "But I was shitting before I came out here." "I know you was wanting to know that." "But I went to give myself a courtesy flush and the water comes from the front and it fucking splashed all over my bal's." "I had to tell that story." "I was thinking, llm" "So I think lim gonna bring it home, and lim gonna put it next to my bidet and lim gonna be able to clean my ass and my bal's before I get my dick sucked." "Isn't that right?" "It's a really good thing." "But anyway, I thought it was pretty amusing." "My bal's are clean now, so if anyone wants to suck my dick?" "Ladies, that's an open invitation." "No?" "No takers." "Or fellas." "And itlll never get more appealing than that." "A dude who's bal's have been washed by toilet water." "It's gross, though, what" "Like, the women have to clean that shit, you know?" "When the water rushed at your bal's, did it mix with the shit water?" "No, because it shoots out the front." "It shoots out the front, and it's so deep that the shit's way down anyway." "But it's, like, there's no water for the shit to, like, go in so it just slides down the side of the fucking...." "It's pretty gross, so" " You just have to deal with it all the time, I guess." "We were on our way here today, and the" "Oh, no." "Yes, sir." "The cutest thing happened." "We get off" "When you travel international and shit you gotta fill out a card, the disembark" "Embarkation card?" "Disembarking--?" "The fucking card you gotta fill out any time you go someplace, like a different country." "And, you know, they ask for your name and ask for your passport number and then they ask for your nationality." "And, you know, welre American, so I wrote llAmerican.'l" "Then I looked at Jason's card and under nationality he wrote llPolish.'l" "I learned something new today." "You did." "I was like, llWhat, dude?" "What?" "Il" "He was like, llWell, you know, I've got some Polish in me.'l" "I was like, I'that's not what theylre asking there." "Theylre asking the country of your birth, sir.'l" "I really didn't know." "No." "I think they thought it was a joke, like I wrote it as a joke, but, no, I didn't." "We thought the dude was gonna be like, I'so youlre from Poland, then?" "Il" "IlNo.'l" "IlWell, that's funny, because it says here that youlre Polish." "Which isn't really a nationality.'l" "The guy just let me through because I was laughing so hard." "He was like, llGo.'l" "We were in line laughing, and the dude was like, llWhat's so funny?" "Il" "And I was like, llMy friend's a fucking idiot.'l" "IlWelcome to the U.K.'l" "Yes, sir." "If you could be half man, half sausage which way around would you have it and why?" "One more time." "If I could be half man and half sausage...?" "Which way around would you have it and why?" "Well, that's the part that...." "Right, so you could have, like, top half man, bottom half sausage." "Okay, so which end would I rather be the man?" "Or top half sausage, bottom half man, so you can run around." "Classic." "Which side--?" "Which side do I want to be the sausage side?" "Oh, yeah." "That is hands down the best question I've ever been asked." "I would choose bottom-half sausage because then I would finally have a massive dick." "Top half, not real good." "Genius." "That's brilliant." "Is it a good enough answer?" "Not nearly as brilliant as the question, though." "live seen you cameo on shows and movies and stuff." "Do you just--?" "People call you up that admire your work and ask you to be on these shows or do you have like an agent?" "Do you actively try and get work?" "The only" " There were two shows that I actually pursued." "Or I didn't" " It wasn't hardly-- It was hardly a pursuit." "It was me going, llCan I do this?" "Il" "And somebody was like, llYeah, I guess.'l" "And one was Law  Order." "I was a huge Law  Orderwhore." "And I called up my agent, and I was like, llYou never do anything for me.'l" "He was like, llExcellent way to start a conversation." "I can tell you want something.'l I said, llYes, I do." "I would love to be on Law  Order I."" "He's going, llWhat do you wanna play?" "Like, the fucking suspect?" "You want to be a lawyer?" "You know, one of the defense attorneys?" "Il" "I said, llNo, I just wanna be the guy that leads them to the guy that leads them to the guy who leads them to the suspect.'l" "He's like, llLet me see what I can do.'l" "Called back 1 0 minutes later, he's like;" "IlYou go to New York next week." "Youlre in." "Il" "I was like;" "And I went, and I wound up being the guy who lead them to a guy who lead them to the guy who lead them to the suspect." "You know, it was fucking awesome." "Yeah, I saw it." "It was kind of-- It was just fun to do." "It was creepy because I wasn't expecting" "You know, Law  Order, in America, is on pretty much 24 hours a day." "Yeah, basically." "I mean, it's on like four different channe's." "USA, NBC...." "But anyway, I was watching, llm like" "TNT." "It's a good show to watch when you basically don't wanna watch anything because everything's wrapped up in an hour." "So lim watching, llm going, llYeah--ll" "Well, that's like most TV." "Well, I know, I know." "Everything wraps up rather quickly." "Well, anyhow...." "So lim watching it, llm mildly interested, I go, llKevin Smith!" "Il" "Yeah." "Now I've got heightened interest in this one." "That was my reaction, as well, and I knew I was gonna be in it." "What I did was, I went to the mall, to a TV store and just hung out there turned every TV to fucking Law  Order and waited." "And then when I popped up, I was like, llKevin Smith.'l" "And there was one 55-year-old black guy who was like, I'that's the dude from Leno.'l" "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Yes?" "Hi, what was it like working with Will Ferrell and have you got any funny stories about that?" "Again?" "What was it like working with Will Ferrell?" "Will Ferrell." "I don't know what the fuck you said." "Honestly, I thought you were like, llWhat was it like with Boba Fett?" "Il" "And I was like, lll don't know, what was it like with Boba Fett?" "Il" "IlWell, it was quite nice, actually.'l" "What was it like working with Will Ferrell?" "You know, the dude's hysterical as fucking hell." "Just really, really funny guy." "Constantly, like, making jokes, but not like, you know...kind of jokes." "Just constantly funny." "Can't help but be funny." "Even when he tries to be serious, the dude's kind of funny." "So no, like, killer fucking stories." "He would come in, shoot, and then go back because he was working on SNL at the same time so we didn't get to hang out much." "Do you--?" "You have any--?" "No Will Ferrell stuff?" "Nothing." "Great guy." "No." "Funny." "Funny." "Sweet." "Can I ask Jason a question?" "Yes, please do." "I was wondering if yould make my night and say I'snoochie boochiesll in a seductive way to me." "Oh, no." "I don't know if I can do that." "'t's not a sexy word, is it?" "Please?" "Now youlve got me on the spot." "I don't know if I can do this." "Hold on." "Let me get in the mood." "Snoochie boochies." "I tried." "I never had to do that before." "That might work, huh?" "Are you a little wet in the pants?" "Yeah." "You are?" "It might work." "Ilm gonna try that tonight when I go out." "Illl be like, I'snooch.'l" "Thanks." "Thank you." "Ilm by myself." "Questions?" "Anywhere?" "Fuck this thing." "Fuck that." "Fuck these guys." "Up here." "Fuck that." "Youlre too far." "Dude." "Fuck the mike." "It's my show now." "It's Evening With Jay Mewes." "What?" "Do something for us." "Do a monologue." "Do a monologue about eating a clit, licking the clit." "Do it." "Okay." "All right." "You say youlre the clit commander." "Can I be your commander in chief?" "I like the clit too." "I love the clit." "I love the clit." "And I take my" " Just dip it in." "But youlve got get the hood apart." "Youlve gotta just pry the hood apart." "And then just get your tongue in just underneath there and then just tease it, tease it a little bit with your finger tip and then slide underneath the clit, and around and then inside, inside, inside and then back to the clit, back to the clit." "Don't over do it." "Not too hard." "Don't bite." "Never bite the clit." "Never suck too hard." "Just lick it, lick it gently." "How was that?" "Love that." "Was that okay?" "lf it was my movie, lld cast you, sir." "Thank you." "lf I could cast you, I would." "Thank you." "Awesome." "I might want you to eat my ass tonight, sir." "Sorry, I don't do ass, sir." "Oh, come on, sir." "Oh, okay." "Maybe in your case llll make an exception." "That was awesome." "You know Woody Allen don't have q and a's like this." "Where were we?" "I think she was" "She's got a mike." "Who was it?" "Hi, I had a refined question." "But, no, after that." "Me and my friend Neil earlier were talking about sex euphemisms." "My personal favorite being llpole in the hole.'l" "And Neil's" " What was yours?" "Would you like a portion?" "Did you see my man?" "Yeah." "You know, she's" " You know what she said, right?" "No?" "I didn't hear a word." "Sex euphemisms." "What's your favorite sex euphemism?" "And yours was what?" "Pole in the hole." "Pole in the hole." "And she said" " What's his name?" "Neil." "And she goes, llNeil has one." "What's yours?" "Il" "And he goes;" "She puts the mike down;" "IlWould you like a portion?" "Il" "It was the delivery that was genius." "Brilliant delivery." "Would you like a portion?" "Right on." "That's my new euphemism." "What's yours?" "It's that, now." "Would you like a portion?" "What--?" "What is mine?" "What's my favorite sex euphemism?" "I don't even really have a dirty one because my wife doesn't let me get away with really dirty ones." "Youlre" " What's yours?" "How about llgive her a couple of inchesll?" "What's that?" "A couple inches?" "I said, llHow about give her a couple of inches?" "Il" "That's a" " Really?" "Is that what gir's say over here?" "Maybe just me." "Fuck, welre in the wrong country." "Because you asked for just a couple inches, that's what you get from me." "'t's all in." "'t's there." "All in." "That's bal's deep right there." "Can I ask a nicer question?" "Have you ever been watching one of your own movies and sat there and smugly thought to yourself;" "Illlm a fucking comic geniusll?" "No." "I sit there, watch my own movies, and lim just like;" "IlWould you like a portion?" "Il" "No, I don't know, I rarely watch the movies anymore, you know because you spend so much time with them, making them that you don't really think about it." "But, you know, you spend one-- That makes no fucking sense." "You spend so much time with the fucking movies by the time the movie's done, you don't want to ever see it again." "Like, I've seen every one of those movies so many fucking times." "Then you let some years go by." "Clerks I was only able to appreciate it again recently because I hadn't watched it in a while." "I was like, ll't's pretty fucking good." "It's fun." "This dude's funny.'l" "But, never, never like, llllm a comic genius.'l" "Because, like, my man who stood up and did the fucking" "His clit monologue." "And suddenly lim like, llWell, anybody can do that shit.'l" "He's lying." "Youlre always just like, llllm fucking brilliant." "Ilm so...." "Mewes, leave.'l" "Come on." "I wanna be alone with myself." "He does." "Would you like a portion?" "What...?" "What is your euphemism for sex?" "IlKnock the bottom out,ll youlre talking about?" "Knock the bottom out." "Knocking the bottom out." "Does that work?" "Let me knock the bottom out." "So hit a girl-- Go ahead, hit her with it." "Come on, I already did the l'snooch.'l Come on." "Yeah, but you would never do that in real life." "Like, I'snoochie boochie.'l" "No, I wouldn't." "After, how do you--?" "How do you approach them?" "You just say, llLet me knock the-- Let me knock the fucking bottom outll?" "How do you say it?" "I don't know." "I mean, mine's more jokey." "Ilm not really" "So let's hear the joke." "I don't know, dude." "There's a bunch;" "IlKnock the bottom out.'l llLet me get up in them guts.'l" "You do it." "What?" "Let me--?" "Let me get up in them guts." "Dude, your mom's here." "Don't ask me this stuff, sir." "I hate it." "Because you really--?" "That fucking works on somebody?" "No, it never works." "This is what works." "Not really." "Because that" " Yeah, no...." "live got to piss really bad, so lim leaving." "And lim gonna smoke a cigarette." "And lim gonna go jerk off." "All right." "Ilm gonna go have my bal's washed, okay?" "What did he say?" "What is it?" "IlLet me get up in them gutsll?" "Is that what he said?" "Let me get up in them guts." "Would that work on you, if some dude was like, llLet me get up in them gutsll?" "Maybe if it was Jason." "Usually not." "Like that, with that harsh, hostile tone?" "Let me get up in them guts." "I think lid be like, llOh, shit.'l" "Try whispering it." "What is it?" "Try whispering it." "Try whispering it?" "I don't even think the guy can pull that off." "Itld just sound spooky, wouldn't it?" "There's nothing fun about that, or playful." "Do you like your vag being referred to as llgutsll?" "Let me get up in them guts." "Bloody hell, no." "Youlre the bear." "What was your favorite euphemism?" "Pole in the hole?" "Pole in the hole." "That's how you refer to it?" "Not normally, but it amuses me." "Not normally, though?" "No, I understand what pole in the hole means but thank you for the demonstration." "Because that was a little-- llWhat does she mean?" "Pole in the hole?" "Il" "That's when youlre sitting around with your girlfriends;" "IlOh, we got a little pole in the hole last night.'l" "But you don't say it to your man." "Youlre not like, llCome on--ll" "If lim out with my lady friends, it's llgiving away the whole pudding,ll or" "What is it?" "llGiving away the whole pudding.'l" "I didn't hear that." "What?" "Giving away the whole pudding." "llGiving away the whole puddingll?" "Yes." "You British broads are dirty." "I mean, when you say I'the whole puddingll you mean H-O-L-E, or W-H-O-L-E?" "Like llgiving away the whole puddingll or llgiving away the hole puddingll?" "Whichever takes your fancy, go for it." "Or a bit of fanny fun." "What was the other one?" "A bit of fanny fun." "A bit of funny fur?" "Fanny fun." "Fanny fun?" "Fanny fun." "Family fun?" "Fanny fun." "Spell." "F-A-N-N-Y." "Fanny fun." "Like ass play?" "No, no." "Not ass play?" "llFannyll here means llfanjita.'l" "What is it?" "Pussy." "llFannyll covers pussy here as well?" "llFannyll means llpussyll here." "Back home, fanny is your ass." "Yeah, no." "'t's not here?" "No." "That would-- I could see why every British" "British woman I've tried to fuck has been very confused." "IlWould you like a bit of fanny fun?" "Il" "IlOh, Jesus." "Yes.'l" "Ill said, fanny fun.'l" "I'so did I.'l" "So fanny is the front part, the girl part." "'t is indeed." "'t's literally ass back home." "Like, llllll spank you on your fanny.'l" "Not here." "Wouldn't wanna get spanked on your fanny." "Nasty surprises." "No." "How many international incidents have been caused because of that, you know...?" "Fanny fun." "Interesting." "Two company-- What is it, two countries--?" "Two countries separated by a common language, is that it?" "'t all comes down to llfanny fun.'l" "Yes." "And the word llfanny.'l" "I think that was the cause of the Revolutionary War." "I think so too." "Excuse me." "Yes?" "After that conversation what does your mother think of you and your career?" "I don't know." "Can we ask?" "It was weird, when I knew I was coming over here, I was like;" "IlWould you would you wanna come and see me do q and a in England because it's just like doing the q and a in America but everyone sounds smarter.'l" "Except for that broad, but...." "I forgot that the show tends to be a little bit blue." "She has spent a lot of show with her head shaking." "Have you really been shaking, up there just editorializing?" "Shaking your head like;" "My mother, in the beginning, I remember, when the movies" "When Clerks got picked up and shit, she was just like;" "Ill think it's terrible." "All they do is curse in the movie and I think that reflects poorly on me.'l" "I was like, llReally?" "Il" "She's going, llEveryone's gonna think that I raised you with a potty mouth.'l" "And I was like, llMa, llll set them straight.'l" "So here's me doing it." "And my mother never cursed at me." "My mother's one of those people that's like;" "IlOh, H-E, double hockey sticks.'l" "She don't curse, really." "Until you get her really fucking mad." "And then she's like, llFuck that fanny fun.'l" "Thank you." "Yes?" "Jason, I saw R,S, V,P," "Let me get up in them guts." "Did it work?" "No?" "All right, whatever." "Yeah, let me find out." "How old are you?" "Seventeen." "I was gonna say, she's a child." "Oh, wait." "Illlm 1 4." "What guts are you talking about?" "Mommy.'l" "Ilm out of here." "Probation." "R,S, V,P, what?" "I saw R,S, V,P, and Tail Lights Fade too." "I was wondering does anyone offer you any other kind of role other than Jay?" "Here and there." "Here and there." "Not a lot, though." "But lim doing a movie, we start shooting next month." "This guy Erik wrote and directed." "It's called Bottom's Up," "It's about fucking." "No, but Paris Hi'ton's in it." "So hopefully welll be fucking." "Not really." "But she is in it, and I think Paul Walker is in it and some other dude, I don't know." "It's like a $3 million budget." "But, no, you know, no one's beating my door down for Batman or anything like that." "So...." "'s that the dream?" "Why, are you giving me a job offer?" "You got a movie?" "My friend sort of does." "Not movie." "Not a movie." "Just this stupid thing." "He's gonna kill me." "Does this movie involve a video camera and...?" "Yes." "And Mewes and--?" "No, it's just skateboarding and things." "It's stupid." "There you go, dude." "I can do some moves, right?" "Yeah, you can fucking ollie a bus." "I could kickflip." "Totally." "Right?" "llll let him know." "I can't." "Is that your dream role?" "Batman?" "No, no." "llNobody's offering me Batman.'l" "Like if somebody called right now like, llWill you play Batman?" "Il" "Youlre like, llllm gone, moves.'l" "No, I don't" "You wouldn't do it?" "I couldn't be the Dark Knight, sir." "I couldn't play that." "What a sincere answer that was." "Not like, I'that would never happen,ll or, llYou know, it would just--ll" "Ill couldn't be the Dark Knight, sir.'l" "Thanks so much." "Thank you." "Okay, going up." "Yeah." "Good evening to both of you." "It's a question" "So very British." "IlYes, good evening to both of you.'l" "I do have a question for both of you." "If you had the job of deciding the official word of the day what would today's word be and why?" "The official word of the day?" "Official word of the day." "Can it be a hyphenate word?" "Sure." "IlFanny-fun.'l" "IlPolish.'l" "Thank you." "Thank you, good night." "Thanks, that was easy." "Shit, why aren't they all like that?" "Who's got it over here?" "Or you can pass it over to somebody." " Oh, somebody up there." " How are you?" " What's up, sir?" " Don't jump, sir, don't jump." " How old are you?" " Nineteen." "Almost incredible." " What?" " Nineteen." " Nineteen?" " Yeah." "God, you're dressed..." "You dressed formal for tonight's affair." "You got a button-down shirt and shit." "It's cold." "Not here, obviously, you know." "That shirt wards off the cold, does it?" "Well, it has, you know, something of a reverse effect in here but it was working out there." " Right on." " Right." "What's your favorite of the John Hughes flicks?" " I just thought there was more, but..." " That was it." "My favorite of the John Hughes flicks it's not the most..." "It's not the obvious." "I go for the later work." "My favorite was She's Having a Baby." "Which Jersey Girl was kind of modeled after." "And that movie failed and I don't know why I thought mine would succeed." "Probably should've patterned it after something like The Breakfast Club which was successful." "Yeah." "I mean, if you're talking about just the teen movies, the Breakfast Club." "Or I might even put Weird Science ahead of the Breakfast Club just because it's so out there." "But of the entire catalogue of his directed b..." "Directorial body of work I'd give it up for She's Having a Baby." " Thank you." " We have one guy going, "Yes."" " Thank you." " Right on." " Thank you." " Right on." "Hello." "Hi." " Hi." " Hi." "I love, like, standup comedy and stuff like that." "I was just wondering if you have any particular favorite comedians and stuff like that, that you like to see, or what...?" " Or stuff like that." " Or stuff like that." "Sam Kinison, George Carlin, Chris Rock, David Cross." "Those are the people that I really dig." "What's his name?" "Bill Hicks." "No longer with us." "Some people like that." "There's..." "Older Bill Cosby stuff I really get into." "Did you hear that album To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With?" "Such a..." "I mean, it sounds dirty, but it's so not." "It's brilliant." "It's like a 35-minute bit." "One whole half side of a record, back when they made records that was essentially about two brothers trying to go to sleep at night." "Really, really fucking funny." "He was..." "He was great when he wasn't selling Jell-O." "And Jay, if he's paying attention?" " Evidently not." " Favorite comedians." "What?" "Come on." "I don't have a favorite." "I like David Cross a lot." "That's who I've been listening to with him a lot." "But I'm not one to listen to comedians, like, on tape and stuff and then watch them on HBO." "I'm not into comedians too much." "Okay, fair enough." "Okay, thank you." "Quick, right?" "She's like, "Fair enough."" "I know, but it was more like, "Fuck him."" "I don't know." " Hey, Kevin." "Hey, Jay." " Hey." " Hey." " This is one for both of you, really." "If Clerks had never been made what do you think you would be doing now?" "Sucking dick." "I was gonna say, Kevin could probably..." "Kevin could probably pimp you out." "But did you have, like, any, like, career plans or was anybody bugging you to go to college like Dante or anything like that?" "Still don't." "Still lacking a career plan." "I probably would have been still working at that convenience store because that was a really good gig." "Really good, easy gig that I dug doing." "But that was it." "And I was roofing." "I was putting roofs on houses." "I'd probably be doing the same." "Or sucking dick, I don't know." "I think it's cute that you were like, "I was roofing," then you were like:" ""Let me explain roofing to these..." "To these idiots." "I was putting roofs on houses, you dumb fucks." " You ain't got roofs here?"" " I'm not saying that at all." "When I say that to people, they're like:" " "Roofer?" "What do you mean?"" " Really?" "I bet there's a few people there who were like, "Roofer, what's a...?"" " So I was explaining it." " Was anybody confused by that?" "No?" "Well..." "They're British, dude." "They're way smarter." " They are, aren't they?" " Super intelligent." "Fuck." " Thanks." " Thank you." " Thanks." " Thank you." "You've got a question?" "Can somebody...?" "You want mine?" " Kevin." " Sir." "Was it a turn-on shooting Jen for Playboy, or was it distracting?" "And what did Jason think of the pictures?" "For those uninitiated or don't know, I shot my wife for Playboy for the 50th-anniversary issue of Playboy." "They had a bunch of directors they asked them to shoot their idea of eroticism, something erotic." "So I was like, "Well, what's more erotic than my old lady?"" "Because she's the one that does all the fucking." "So, you know, I asked them, I was just like:" ""Well, I'd like to shoot my wife, if that's cool with you."" "They were like, "Well, can we see a picture of her?"" "You know, because they looked at me, and they were like:" ""I don't know." "What chick would fuck him?"" "Then they saw a picture, they're like:" ""Yes, you can shoot her, of course." "She's very lovely, you know."" "So I got the go-ahead and shit." "And I asked Jen, and, you know, I thought she'd be like:" ""You're out of your fucking mind."" "You know, I was just like, "So I'm doing this thing for Playboy and I can shoot anything I want as long as..."" "And she's like, "I'm in."" "And I was like, "What, you wanna be in it?"" "She's like, "Oh, God, yes, that'd be so hot." "Me in Playboy?" "That'd be awesome."" "And I was like, "Really?" "You don't feel it's like...?"" "You know, because my wife is a real man-hater." "She total hates fucking men which is why she married the dude with the smallest dick imaginable." "But she really fucking hates guys and she's so insanely pro-women and shit." "And, you know, we can't even really get into porn anymore and shit because, you know, porn kind of degrades women." "That's what she says." "So I was like, "But you'll do...?" "But you'd be in Playboy?" "You don't find that degrading?" "She goes, "Oh, fuck, no." "They'll make me look hot."" "And I was like, "Wow, I'll never fathom the female mind."" "She's like, "It is kind of complex."" "So we tried to come up with a scenario." "And my first idea for what I thought was erotic involving Jen was..." "I guess it wasn't met with a resounding fucking:" "Like, I told her about it, and she was like, "What do you wanna do?"" "I was like, "Here's my idea of an erotic photo." "It's you, wearing glasses you're dressed up in a graduation cap and gown you've got one diploma in one hand and the other hand is thrown up in the air and the robe is just kind of open."" "And she was like, "What the fuck are you talking about?"" "And I was like, "I don't know." "It was the first thing that came to my mind."" "She's like, "You want me to dress up like a fucking college graduate with glasses?" "And why is that sexy?"" "I was like, "I don't know." "Because I never graduated college and, I don't know, it's the first..."" "She's like, "We're not doing that." I was like, "All right."" "I was like, "What if you dress up like Jay, and I'll be Silent Bob?"" "And then she kind of dissected that for a few hours as to why I would want to do that." ""I think you have some unresolved issues with your friend, Kevin."" "So the third time was the charm." "I was like:" ""You know what, fuck it." "You used to be a newspaper reporter..."" "Because when I met Jen, she was a journalist at USA Today." "She interviewed me." "That's how we met." "So I was like, "What if...?" "What if you were Lois Lane and we have Superman in the photo with you and he's kind of holding you sexily from behind and your skirt's blowing up, and shit like that?"" "And she was like:" ""You want some other dude to be in the picture with me?"" "And I was like, "Yeah."" "And she's like, "Well, why don't you just put on the tights?"" "And I was like, "Think about what you just said."" "And she's like, "It just means that if you stand behind me in those tights I'll look infinitely sexier than I would normally."" "And I was like, "No, I'm not gonna do that."" "I said, "We'll get some dude to do it."" "She's like, "I'm not gonna be comfortable being held by some guy."" "I was like, "Trust me, all male models are gay so you don't have to worry about anything." "It's not like the dude's gonna put the moves on you and shit."" "So she's like, "All right."" "So we hit Playboy up with it, and Playboy was just like, "Yeah, totally." "If that's what you wanna do, we'll build a set and shit."" "And we went to the studio in Santa Monica to shoot it and, you know on the drive there, she was like, "I'm nervous." "I'm really nervous."" "And I was like, "Well, you know, we'll get over it."" "And she's like, "What's this 'we' shit?" "You have clothes on."" "And I was like, "Well, what would be a...?" "Well, you wanna pick up, like, a bottle of wine?"" "She's like, "A bottle?" "Four."" "So we picked up some wine, and we went to the studio and shit." "And then they spend three hours doing makeup because they do your entire body and shit." "Not mine, hers." "And..." "And so, you know, I was walking around kind of looking at our set." "They build us a rooftop and shit like that." "Checking things out while she got ready." "And then we went through a wardrobe picking out the wardrobe, which was so funny." "I couldn't believe they had a Wardrobe Department." "I'm like, "It's Playboy." "There shouldn't be any wardrobe, you know."" "So we figured out what she was gonna wear and shit and then came to take the picture." "Suddenly, it comes a time to kind of get the gear off." "And we did it in phases." "Like, at first, it was just kind of a transparent bra and, like, panties and then the skirt, and then lost the panties and then just got down to the business." "So about a bottle of wine in which would be about an hour into the photo session all the inhibitions fall away." "Like, at first, you know, we'd take shots and there's like 12 shots per roll and between each, as we change a roll dude would come out and put a robe onto the chick who was the Wardrobe chick, put a robe on her and stuff like that." "About an hour into the session, a bottle of wine later she's like, "Fuck the robe."" "She's just, well, strolling around fucking naked which is pretty fucking hot." "And the whole thing was kind of a turn-on because it's naughty, right?" "Because nobody's supposed to be seeing your wife naked and you're surrounded by these fucking people looking at your naked wife and shit." "But the thing is, these dudes who work at Playboy the guys who, like, do the scenery and around the smoke machine and shit like that, and set up the camera they see naked women every fucking day and, oddly enough, have become inured to it." "Like, it doesn't turn them on anymore." "They're just like, "Right, tits."" "You know, it just doesn't do it for them anymore." "But every once in a while I would catch one of them fucking taking a peek and shit." "Like, they're professional and doing their job but every once in a while, I'd see one fixing the light and Jen's over there, and he'd be like:" "And look at me, and he'd be like, "Right on."" "So I was like, "Right on."" "So when we..." "We did the photo shoot and I was getting incredibly turned on by the whole thing so at one point, I was like:" ""How are you doing?" "How are you feeling?"" "She's like, "It's kind of..." "How does it look?"" "I said, "It looks really great." "You look hot." "Damn hot." "You wanna go in the bathroom?"" "And she was like, "What?"" "I was like, "We got, you know, 25 minutes between shots let's do some shooting of our own."" "She was like, "You're serious?" "You wanna go in the bathroom and fuck so that you're fucking leaking out of me on film?" "For all posterity." "So when our kid sees this picture fucking 20 years from now there's you, running down my leg." "Is that what you want?"" "It's like, "Well, not anymore."" "So we got through the photo shoot and shit and then eventually, you know, picked the shots and they ran the shots and shit and I had an issue of Playboy with my wife in it which was really, really fucking quite cool, you know to be flipping through it, like:" ""Oh, my God, there's my wife, naked, being held by Superman."" "You know, rather sexy, I thought." "And came in incredibly useful, because my wife is..." "Jen's not a morning person." "I am." "Like every guy, I wake up fucking rock hard with the best boner of the day." "Like the one that could cut glass." "The one that could break rocks." "The impressive one." "The one where you just wanna call people up like:" ""Come over and look at." "Hold on, ready."" "The fucking..." "The boner to end all boners." "And every other boner you get throughout the rest of the day any time you get fucking hard, it's just not the same thing." "It's just not as fucking impressive, you know." "Just, it's fine, it gets the job done, but it's just not the fucking..." "It's not the bomb like the morning rod is." "Or you call it "piss boner."" "Because it's the one where you got to piss real bad but you get shit done before you take a piss because it's that impressive." "It's the shit where you can just chip it into marble walls." "So like every man, I'm kind of a mor..." "You know, early-morning riser and shit and, you know, I learned very quickly that Jen is not." "She's more of an afternoon delight kind of person." "So in the morning, I'll wake up and, you know, nudge forward, and she's like:" "I'm like, "Right on."" "And so, you know, I usually have to wait till about fucking 2:00 before she gets her motor running and shit then she approaches me while I'm knee-deep on my website and whatnot." "Our timing tends to be off sometimes." "So suddenly I had this magazine with my wife naked in it which is cool because I found that after I got married, like, I dig my wife." "I'm really into her and just kind of..." "I love her, I think she's amazing." "I think she's this weird enigma that I've got to figure out." "I've got 50 years to kind of figure her out." "So far, not doing well at all." "Fucking puzzle." "But I kind of dig her, and I find her very sexually captivating." "So much so that I got married and I stopped thinking about other chicks." "Other chicks just kind of stopped existing and shit and I just kind of became really focused and fixated on her." "Almost, really, obsessed with her." "Her body." "And when I think about sex, I think about her." "So much so that, like, I'll go to an internet site and try to check out some porn and shit, and I'm like:" ""You call this sexy?" "Well, it's a little sexy, but, you know, but not for me."" "And so I'm just really not into it." "So every time I wind up, like, jerking off I'd wind up thinking about her." "And suddenly I had a picture." "So I'd wake up in the morning, grab my Playboy go to the bathroom, snap one off, start my day." "It was a great way..." "And I'd stopped bothering her in the morning and shit." "I had this beautiful fucking boner to deal with and had the image to go along with it and suddenly, I was like, "This is great." "Why didn't I shoot my wife naked years ago?" "It would solve so many fucking problems." "I wouldn't be nudging her in the morning." "You know, and I wouldn't be sitting there going, 'What do I do with this?"'" "I figured out what to do with it." "So one morning I came back from the bathroom and she's waking up at the same time and she's like, "Good morning." I was like, "Good morning."" "And she's like, "What...?" "What are you holding?"" "I was like, "What, this?" "This is Playboy."" "She's like, "Is that my Playboy?"" "I was like, "Yeah, I was just reading the articles."" "And she was like, "Were you jerking off to my Playboy?"" "I said, "Jerking off?" "What...?" "Yes."" "And she's going, "Why?"" "And I was like, "I don't fucking..." "You know."" "She's like, "You idiot, you can fuck me." "Why are you jerking off to pictures of me?" "You could fuck me any time you want."" "I was like, "Yeah, but not till like 2:00."" "So it became this kind of useful tool." "Aside from being able to kind of shoot her and have something that..." "Because you really buy into the Playboy mythos when you get there because they're just like..." "You know, all the Playboy bunnies have loved these photo shoots because they have something to look back on years later to see how beautiful they looked at that time in their life." "Which is a weird way of saying when they get old, they're ready to put a shotgun in their mouth because they don't look like this anymore." "But she bought into it right away." "She was like, "This will be so great." "I'll be able to look at myself years from now, see what I look like." "I looked so pretty, and what a great time it was, and blah, blah, blah."" "So it was cool." "It was a very cool thing to do." "Very hot." "And I got something out of it:" "Spank material." "And I get to fuck the chick that I spank to." "I mean, that's rare." "Rare that you want..." "You know, I can't tell you." "When I was a kid, I used to jerk off to Playboy all the time." "Never met one of those chicks." "Never got to fuck Barbi Benton." "Now I can look at this chick, go in the next room and if it's, like, midafternoon, I could probably fuck her." "Jason..." "What did Jason think of the pictures?" "And also, is it the first time you've seen either Jen or one of Kevin's other girlfriends in the past naked?" "I haven't looked at it." "I haven't seen Jen's picture." "I really won't look at it." " I can't look at Jen like, I don't..." " Liar." "Ask Kevin." "He has it on his computer." "It's his wallpaper, and I make him cover it up before I come and look at shit on his computer." "Ask him." "And there's a painting of her in his hallway that's like..." "It's like 6-foot." "And that was covered for a while, but now I just..." "I go by it because it's hanging in his office, so I can't avoid it." "But I don't look at her." "I really don't want to see it." "And that's serious." "She's the one girl..." "Well..." "Maybe one of 10 girls in the world that I wouldn't want to see naked." "No, I wouldn't." "You know why he doesn't look at her?" "Gay." "It's true, though." "He is really..." "I remember I whipped open the issue I was like, "Dude, check it out." He's like, "What is it?"" "Like, fucking, he had looked into the sun." "It's funny." "He won't..." "And there's a big painting, and he won't look at that either." "So if I don't want him in the office, I put the painting in front of the door." "He's like..." "It's like kryptonite." "Why is that, though?" "Jen's like, "Why, what's the matter?" "He doesn't think I'm pretty."" "I was like, "No, he just sees you like mom and nobody wants to see mom naked, you know."" "Yes?" "You've got a mike." "How did you broach the subject with your wife that the first time you fucked, it would appear on a DVD?" " Yeah." " With your bleeding cock." "I didn't..." "Yeah, right." "I didn't broach the topic." "It just kind of..." "It was a story that kind of, you know, evolved while I was doing q and a and shit." "So the first time she heard it, she was none-too-thrilled." "If you ever saw An Evening With Kevin Smith, the first part as opposed..." "This being the second part, Evening Harder I told a very long, involved story about the first time I had sex with my wife, and how I cut my dick open." "But it's very romantic." "So the first time she heard it, she got, like, super fucking pissed." "And she was like, "Oh, my God." "Not only do you talk about intimate details of our sex life but you say sticking your dick in me is like putting your dick in battery acid." You know?" "I was like, "Because I was cut open." She was like, "It doesn't matter, Kevin." "No woman wants her vag referred to as battery..."" "It's like calling it "guts," you know?" "So she wasn't too keen on it and then I didn't bother to tell her that we have recorded it for the DVD." "So it wasn't until a few months after..." "Because, you know, she's seen..." "She had been to the fucking circus so many times." "She doesn't..." "She'll watch a little bit of the q and a, and then fuck off because she's like, "It's you fucking up there telling stories."" "But the kind of first time she saw it and saw that it was on there did she go, "Why?" "Why did you fucking put it on there?"" "Yeah, yeah." "And never lets me forget, to this day." "Still to this day, she's just like, "Why...?" She'll be like:" ""I have to tell you something, but it can't wind up on a DVD."" "Which is so weird because most people would go like:" ""I've gotta tell you something, you can't tell anybody."" "And hers is very specific." "She doesn't worry about the vagaries." "She's just like, "It cannot wind up on a DVD."" ""Do you understand me, Kevin?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I do." "Is it 2:00 yet?"" "She didn't take too kindly to it." "But she's kind of used to it by now." "That's why she'll come..." "She was here earlier, then she takes off because she's like, "I don't want to hear you tell stories anymore because sooner or later you're gonna talk about me."" "Like, I don't think she knows about the Playboy story." "Probably good." "And a kind of quick question:" "What did Jason think about you telling the story of his fuck tape with his...?" "He was..." "Well, I remember, like, at one point when he watched it he was just like, "I had a fuck tape?"" "You know, just didn't remember it." "There was a bunch of stuff he didn't remember." "When he came over for this trip, he was like:" ""I've never been here before." "This is awesome."" "We have been here before." "It was during the lost years." "But..." "So it's nice." "It's nice, you get to re-experience a lot of shit with him." "It's like he was a fucking droid and he had his memory wiped." "So you get to do a lot of shit twice." "And he's just like, "This is great." "I've never done this before"" "And inside, you're like, "Yeah, we have."" "It's kind of like Groundhog Day a little bit." "But he didn't seem to care." "He don't care." "And he hasn't even watched..." "He hasn't even asked to watch the tape." "Which is so weird because I imagine sooner or later he'd like be:" ""Let me see that tape." But no interest." " Thanks very much." " Thank you." " Hi." " Hello." " Hi." " Hello." "God, loud." "Jersey Girl is quite different in some ways from your previous films, and dedicated to your daughter and I was wondering if becoming a father has changed you creatively in terms of what you're interested in doing in your work?" "You know, it hasn't really changed me creatively." "I mean, I guess in a small way." "I wouldn't have done Jersey Girl if I didn't have a kid." "So for all the people who didn't like it, blame the child." "You know?" "Like, really, if I didn't even have a daughter I wouldn't have thought to write that movie." "And I started writing it when she was 6 months old or something like that." "So I guess that did have an effect." "But I always made this promise to myself that I would never change the content of my work or just not be me and not do what I do just because I had a kid." "We're not hypocritical in the house." "It's not like we don't swear." "We're not like, "Earmuffs." Nothing like that." "It's just we tend to be the same way we are around the kid that we are when we're not around the kid." "You know, not certain..." "Like, I don't fuck my wife while the kid looks." "Although, that happened once." "By accident." "Which was the weirdest thing." "Like we were going at it really hard and heavy and shit and she, of course, was on top." "And we're real chatty, fucking talkie lovers and shit." "Not even like, "Oh, you're so pretty," and shit." "Just dirty shit." "Shit like:" ""You're fucking..." "I'm having me some fanny fun, bitch." You know?" "Just real fucking dirty, fucking nasty, nasty fucking talk and shit where other people's names come into it and shit." "And like soon you're in this weird fantasy where, you know you're fucking a football team." "It's just like way the fuck out there." "Just nasty fucking dirty shit." " And, you know..." " Any names you'd repeat?" " Sorry?" " Any names you'd repeat?" "I've never brought Affleck up for some reason." "Never thought to work him in there and shit." "I should actually whip a little Affleck on her, see what she says." "So that's one thing you wouldn't cast him in, then?" "Yeah." "There is one thing." "I wouldn't cast him in my wife." "So there we are, fucking and talking nasty to each other and shit and then the moment of truth comes and shit." "And we... it was one of those rare times where we both kind of came together and it was kind of powerful and nasty and dirty and fucking..." "Just hard-core too." "And it was hot, so we were both fucking sweating, and just..." "We just didn't hear the door open." "So we're finished, and fucking, like, my head just kind of lolls to the left and there I see Harley sitting at the edge of our bed like this:" "You know, like a little scientist from another planet." "Just really kind of trying to figure out what went in where." "So we were like, "Hey, hey, hey." "What are you...?" "Hey."" "And Jen flips off me and shit and..." "And we were, "What are you...?" "What are you doing?"" "She was like, "What are you doing?"" "And we were like, "What?" "We were just..." " We were playing." "We're, you know..." "We were just playing." "Playing."" "She's like, "Playing what?"" "We were like, "We were play fighting." "We were just, like, play wrestling." "Having some play-fighting time."" "And she was like, "It didn't look like you were fighting."" "I was like, "What did it look like?" She was like, "You were swimming."" "And under her breath I hear Jen go, "I was swimming."" "I was like, "That's what we were doing." "We were doing..." "We were doing..." "We were night swimming."" "And she's like, "Is that why you're all wet?"" "I said, "Absolutely." "We were in the pool and then we were doing some night swimming and then we came up here and we were showing each other how we swim because it was too dark to see it out there."" "She was like, "But the lights aren't on in here." "It was like, "Yeah, but... the moon."" "And then she was like, "Can I go night swimming?"" "And I was like, "Not till your 30, I hope, you know."" "Then she was like, "Can I get in the bed?"" "And immediately, I'm like, "Get this kid away from the wet spot."" "I was like, "No, no, no, you can't." "You go hang out and shit." "Do other things." "Just Dad needs a few minutes."" "It took a lot out of me." "So she caught us but, you know, it never came back to the subject." "She bought "night swimming," which was tremendous, you know." "Because now any time, you know..." "We lock the door now, of course, when we fuck." "Because we didn't know she was so strolly." "She crept in like a fucking ninja." "Like, who knew she was there?" "She could have slit both our throats." "Instead she was just:" "So now we lock the door, and she'll, you know:" ""Mom."" "And we're like, "Night swimming."" ""Okay." Off she goes and shit." "It doesn't occur to her that the pool is upstairs." "So we..." "You know, aside from that we tend not to kind of live our lives differently." "You know, we curse in front of the kid and some people think that's kind of not right and shit." "But it would be so hypocritical of me not to curse in front of the child because that's how I make my fucking living." "Cursing will put her through college." "So we tend to, you know, not rein it in." "We're just ourselves and shit like that." "I find it has, you know, a kind of reverse effect on the kid." "It doesn't make the kid wanna curse." "It makes the kid not wanna curse." "Like, we were driving somewhere me and Jen were talking about something and I was like, "You know what, that's total bullshit."" "And out of the backseat where Harley is, we hear, "Bullshit."" "And we were like, "What the...?" "What?" "What did you say?"" "She's like, "Bullshit." And we're like, "That's awesome."" "Because there's nothing cuter than a little kid cursing." "So, you know, we were chuckling and shit, and she was like, "Bullshit."" "We're like, "Yes, say it again."" ""Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit."" "It was tremendous, and suddenly she started varying it up and shit." "And she was like, "Horse shit."" "I was like, "Yes, fucking horse shit." "Horse shit."" "And she was like, "Dog shit." "Mom shit." "Dad shit." "Nana shit." "Pop shit."" "We have two dogs, Scully and Mulder." ""Mulder shit." "Scully shit." "Bat shit." Which was my favorite." "And we were dying up front." "We were like, "This is awesome."" "She went through a litany of shits." "Anything you can modify shit with, she did." "You know, fucking pass a roadside sign, "Sign shit."" ""McDonald's shit." "Volkswagen shit."" "You know, "Shit, shit, shit."" "This went on for two hours and never lost its fucking edge." "I was just as amused when she said "bullshit" as I was when she later on got down to fucking wee-wee shit." "Which is pee-pee poop, you know." "It was just..." "But she didn't know that, that's the thing." "So I said to her, I was like, "Harley, do you know what shit is?"" "And she's like, "No."" "And I said, "Shit is poo-poo."" "And her face, fuck, she went:" "She realized she just spent the last two hours talking about shit." "And then she..." "She never said "shit" ever again." "So it's weird." "It had this reverse effect on her where she doesn't like to curse anymore because she spent two hours cursing." "So I don't know, we kind of let the kid progress her own..." "You know, because, especially with language it's like there's no such thing as bad words." "Bad intentions, but not fucking bad words and shit." "Bad words will put food on the table if you do it right." "So, no, the work has never been affected by the kid." "And our lives haven't been affected by the kid." "I mean, inasmuch as we have to make time to feed her and shit." "You know, and protect her from danger." "But other than that, everything kind of remained the same for me." " Has she seen any of your movies?" " She did." "She finally..." "We got around to showing her Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back one night." "And that was by accident." "We were watching something on the big TV upstairs and watching a DVD, and it ended and when the DVD player cuts off, like, TV kicks back in." "And it was Showtime, the cable channel was on and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was on." "And it was the scene with Jen coming out of the van." "And she was like, "Oh, my God, it's Mom."" "I was like, "Yeah, oh, it is Mom." "That's right." "That's Mom." "I fuck that chick."" "But I was like, "That's Mom, you're right."" "And she was like, "What is...?" Because suddenly..." "She lives in this weird world where, like you know, sometimes Dad has short hair and sometimes he has long hair, and sometimes you know, he never says anything, and sometimes he's always talking." "And sometimes he's like, "Clean that shit up," you know?" "And sometimes him and Uncle Jay run into a wall." "So it's this weird world of, like, reality and not reality." "Like, I hang out with Jason in real life and I hang out with Jason in the movies." "And Jason, in the movies, we're always together and in real life, he lives in our house." "So, you know, for her, movie world and reality kind of blend and shit like that." "Like, I remember for a wrap gift for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Hilary, who was the script supervisor on the show, had, a long time prior before, when she was a kid she had been the voice of Sally in some of the Peanuts cartoons." "So as a wrap gift she had somebody draw the animated Jay and the animated Silent Bob and Sally together in one picture." "And Harley was about 2 and into Snoopy at that point and I showed her the picture and her head fucking exploded." "Because she was like, "Dad, Uncle Jay Charlie Brown's sister?" "They all know each other?"" "You know." "So it's not bad enough..." "She's gonna be on some therapist's couch years from now, going:" ""Silent Bob was my dad." You know?" "You know, it's weirdness like that." "When you're a kid, when you see Dad interacting with people who aren't real you start to wonder, I guess, if your old man's real, to some degree." "So here she's seeing Mom suddenly in the mix because we'd never really thought to show her the movie before." "And I turn to Jen, I was like, "We could probably show her the movie."" "I mean, we could just do it without the volume because if the volume was up she'd lose interest in the movie because there's so much cursing." "And that's just..." "To her, that's grownup shit." "So I was like, "Let's show her, her." Because she's in the movie." "She plays little baby Silent Bob." "So we go and pop in the DVD, and there's her you know, little baby her as Silent Bob." "And then suddenly little baby her dissolves into big fat me which I'm sure she'll be talking to a therapist about." "You know, 20 years from now, going:" ""He fucking showed it to me when I was a child." "That's what I would grow up to be?" "Like, how am I supposed to deal with that?" "And that's why I killed my parents in their sleep." "I could get away with it because I could creep like a ninja." "Caught them after a little night swimming."" "So we kept going, and I was like, "Hey, there's Uncle Jay and there's, you know..." "Here's some other stuff."" "And suddenly I realized that the movie plays to a child if you turn the sound down." "Because at a certain point we're hitchhiking and all of a sudden there's, you know, the Scooby-Doo van." "And she lit up like Christmas." "She was like, "Mystery Machine."" "And I was like, "Mys..." "What?" "Yeah, yes, you're right." "That is the Mystery Machine." "You recognize that?" She's like, "Mystery Machine."" "And I was like, "Hold on to your hat because check this out."" "And all of a sudden, the door opens, and Jay and Silent Bob Dad and Jay, Uncle Jay are hanging out with the fucking Scooby gang which she is very into at that point." "And she's just like, "Scooby and Fred and Velma!" "You know Scooby?"" "I was, "Oh, yeah, we hang out."" "And she was just..." "Her fucking head exploded." "She was just enraptured, and then reality sank back in for her and she was like, "That's not Shaggy."" "I was like, "What do you mean, that's not...?" "Of course, that's fucking Shaggy." "That's as Shaggy as it gets."" "And she was just like, "Shaggy's shirt is green." "His shirt is blue."" "And I was like:" ""You're just like all those fuckers on the Internet, you know that?"" "So, yeah, she's seen some shit." "We've showed her some shit." "But she gets real bored real easily, you know because she don't wanna see people sitting there talking to one another." "And that's what all my movies are." "Just people like, "Blah, blah, blah."" "You know, she..." "We..." "I felt like a filmmaker, though, showing her that movie for the first time." "Generally, I don't feel like a filmmaker or a director." "I feel like a writer who just happens to direct his own stuff because I can't really tell a visual story to save my life." "But watching that movie with a kid, I felt like a visual storyteller." "I felt like I communicated ideas with images." "Because there's a point where we're being chased by..." "By Judd Nelson's character, and they're shooting at us and then Jay dives through a pipe and then I throw Suzanne the Orangutan through the pipe and then I go to dive in the pipe and I don't make it through." "And the kid starts cracking up." "She's just laughing, and she's like, "You're too big."" "And at first I was like, "Fuck you, you're no spring chicken, you know."" "That's my gut instinct and shit." ""You've got my legs, kid," you know." "But then I was like, "Wait a second, she gets it." "Like, she's right."" "Like, I can't get through the pipe because I'm too big." "And she was like, "Just like Winnie the Pooh."" "Then, in the movie, Jay goes, "Just like Winnie the Pooh."" "And she was like..." "You know." "And then later on, when it came to the diamond-exchange sequence you know, the girls go..." "There's no dialogue in that scene." "The girls flip down the hallway." "One, two, trying to avoid the lasers and the "be quiet" and shit like that." "And then Ali, does her flips, gets to the end, and farts." "And the alarm goes off." "And the kid was just like, "She farted." "She frogged."" "That's what she says." "She doesn't say "fart," she goes, "She frogged."" "And I was like..." "That was a new one for me because I didn't know where "frog" came from." "Because a fart's a fart, but suddenly the kid's busting with a frog." "I was like, "What do you mean?" She's like, "She frogged, frogged!"" "I was like, "Oh, she blew ass out?" "Or gas ass?" "What?" "Farted?"" ""She frogged," you know." "Just like, "Come on, follow me, Father."" "And I was just like, "My gosh, she got it."" "She understood the alarm went off because this girl frogged and shit." "And I felt like, "My God, I'm a filmmaker."" "You could turn the sound down, and you get the movie, pretty much." "At least that one." "Clerks, I think, she'd have a hard time with." "But that one, she got." "So we showed her some." "We showed her some stuff." "But I'm curious to see how she reacts to this shit when she gets older." "If she has any interest in it herself." "She's got good ammunition for her teenage years." "Totally, right?" "She'll get away with murder because she's like:" ""What about the time you two fucking ran from that rubber poop monster?"" ""That wasn't real."" ""Oh, it's not?" "It's you and Uncle Jay." "You're always hanging out together anyway." "Where is the difference, Dad?"" " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Yes." "Do you have a mike?" " You still on a mike?" " Kevin." " Hi." "Sorry." " Hey." "I heard that you did a rewrite on the classic that is Coyote Ugly." "I did." "And there was very little left in the actual film." "How did that gig come about and are there any other films with small contributions from you in them?" "Let me see." "I did a rewrite on Coyote Ugly." "I don't think I've done any rewrites since Coyote Ugly." "I think that was the last one I did." "But that one was, like, a page-one rewrite where I rewrote everything from scratch." "Changed characters' names." "Set scenes in different places and shit." "And they paid me." "It was a Bruckheimer movie." "They paid me a shitload of money to do it." "And Jerry Bruckheimer was a big fan of Chasing Amy." "That's how Ben wound up getting cast in Armageddon and Jason Lee got cast in Enemy of the State and shit like that." "And then I wound up working on rewrites on Coyote Ugly." "So I turned in my draft and shit like that and they're like, "You wanna direct this?"" "And this was right when I was going off to direct Dogma, I think." "I think it was Dogma." "And I was like, "You know what, I wanna do my own thing."" "But I said, "But I love this because it's all about Jersey and shit like that but I'm gonna go off and do my own thing."" "So then they brought another guy on to direct it who brought in his writer and completely changed everything that I had written, dialogue-wise." "Which was weird because, like, of anything of my scripts you're gonna keep keep the dialogue." "Everything else is bullshit." "But the dialogue, they got rid of everything with the exception of one line." "Like they kept settings, odd things." "Like, they would keep things set in the place that I had them set." "Or they would keep character names." "But everything else fucking changed." "And the one line of mine they kept was the one girl talking about..." "Like, one girl asked the other girl, like, "Have you ever done..."" "This ain't the exact..." "This part's not the exact line but, "Have you...?"" "She was asking if she'd ever done any lesbian stuff." "And the other chick was like:" ""No, no, no." "I've only played in the minors, I never went pro."" "Like, lame line." "And that's the one they fucking kept." "So I went to the movie to watch it, and there's a subplot involving a dude who loves comic books and wants a Punisher..." "The first appearance of the Punisher." "And at one point Jen leans over to me, she's going:" ""You did all the comic-book stuff, didn't you?"" "I was like, "I had nothing to do with the comic-book stuff." "I didn't write this shit." "I wrote that one line about:" "'Played in the minors, never went pro."'" "And she was like, "I wouldn't really cop to saying that if I were you."" "I was like, "I'm just telling you."" "So that was it." "That was my last rewrite gig and I was just like what's the point?" "You spend all that time..." "It was like working on Superman." "You spend all that time, somebody else comes and changes everything." "So, no, that's it." "But that's my contribution to Coyote Ugly." "Very small." "Although they paid me an insane amount of money to essentially write that one line." "I was like, "Why don't we skip the middleman?" "I would've wrote that line and, you know, you cut me a check."" " Thanks." " Thank you." " Sure." " Hi, Kevin." "My name's David." " How are you, David?" " I'm very good." "I'm very good." "I just wondered what's the official stance with the Star Wars drama that you're so-called involved in?" "Yeah, I've read on the Internet that I'm supposed to be involved in a Star Wars TV show." "Okay." "Nice answer." "How about Episode III?" "Have you seen it and were you tempted to get your agent to get you a cameo?" "That was one of the requests I just made recently." "I didn't make it through my agent, though." "One of our associate producers on the last few flicks this great, great gentleman by the name of Phil Benson..." "We met him on Dogma, he worked at Skywalker, he was a sound guy." "And he wanted to..." "A really high-up sound guy." "Essentially, he was the guy that when The Lord of the Rings won for sound mixing, sound design shit like that, he would've been the guy." "But he opted not to do Lord of the Rings so he can do Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back instead." "No accounting for taste." "But, you know, I always say to him:" ""Do you ever regret not doing it?"" "He's like, "No, because I wanted to do something other than sound and that's why I went to do Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." "No offense, but it's not like a cure for cancer."" "I was like, "What?"" "But he was like, "But I wanted to try other things beyond sound."" "So we made him an associate producer and he did other things on the movie that he never had the opportunity to try as a sound guy and stuff." "So Phil worked at the ranch, at Skywalker, for years and years." "From when he was a kid up to..." "And he's not that old." "Dude's like my age, but he'd worked there for like eight, 10 years." "And I knew Rick McCallum because I had met him at the ranch the producer of the new Star Wars movies." "But Phil really knows him." "So I dropped him a line, I was like:" ""Dude, I wanna go to an early screening of this movie." "Can you talk to Rick?" And he wrote Rick an e-mail." "Then Phil wrote me back, he was like, "He says he'll show it to you."" " I was like, "When?"" " He's like, "April 15, they lock picture." "Come on up and he'll show you the flick."" "I was like:" "Because that's the fucking movie I'm looking forward to, you know." "Like, I think that movie's gonna..." "I like the first two." "You know, Phantom Menace, not a huge fan, but I liked it." "You know, could have done with a lot less Jar Jar." "Second one I really fucking loved." "I think the third one is just gonna be fantastic." "I think it's just gonna fucking, you know, take everybody who's naysaid the last two and make them..." "Spin them completely." "With your power in Hollywood, would you try to maybe be the character to maybe kill Jar Jar?" "Go down in folklore or something?" "No, no." "I mean, why cast more attention on that fucking guy?" "You know, even a death scene is too good for him." "Just basically let it happen off camera." "Have somebody go:" ""What happened to Senator Jar Jar?"" ""We killed him."" "Now on with the real movie and shit." "That's the one I'm looking forward to because that will always be the trilogy to me, right?" "Well, not this new one." "That's the second trilogy." "But the first one, that's the fucking trilogy." "That's why it was so disheartening to live through The Lord of the Rings over the last few years because suddenly that became the trilogy to people." "People are like, "Have you seen the trilogy?"" "I was like, "Saw it when I was a kid." They're like, "No, the Rings."" "I was like, "Motherfucker, there is one trilogy." "There's not fucking more than one."" "Because Star Wars, you know, that's an adventure story." "Those Lord of the Rings movies, as good as they looked and as wonderful a director as Peter Jackson is..." "Because I'm a huge fan of Heavenly Creatures." " They're fucking movies about walking." "You know I'm right." "Because people go, "He's right." "That's it."" "It's just three fucking movies about motherfuckers walking." "They're all walking to a fucking mountain to pitch a ring in it." "You know, that's it." "To a volcano." "That's all they do is walk." "The first movie is fucking this:" "That's it." "That's the whole fucking first movie." "The second movie is this:" "And the fucking third movie is:" "So I couldn't understand what all the excitement was about." "Three movies about fucking walking." "And then that third movie had 46 endings to it." "Like, that movie just kept ending and ending and ending." "Like, there's a point, you pitched the ring in the lava, shit's done." "Send me the fuck home." "You know, it's finished." "The walk is over." "You know, unless you're gonna do a trilogy about the walk back." "But it kept going." "First they pitched the ring in and then fucking Gollum shows up, and then they fucking fight and then a bird picks him up and then they take him back to the hobbit land and shit or the Shire." "And then all of a sudden somebody's like:" ""We gotta go." "We're catching a boat."" "Like, what?" "What?" "What does that have to do with anything?" ""You guys stick behind." "You take care of the book."" "And the end of the movie is a dude literally writing in a book which is like the least cinematic thing you could possibly do." "And I know because I make the least cinematic movies imaginable." "Like, this movie that was all about grandeur and fucking amazing creatures and shit, ends with a dude going:" ""And then they all got on a boat which is something we just showed you and went someplace where, apparently Sam can't go." "But that left me to be the pimp of the Shire."" "The movie ends with him writing a book." "The dude's gone off on a boat to Never-Never Land and shit." "Like, it's so weak." "The ending of that movie, I thought, was rather clear." "I thought it was the moment when Frodo wakes up from his coma or whatever he was in and shit, and the hobbits, the little gay hobbits are jumping up and down on the bed." "Merry and Pippin, whatever." "Because they were clearly fucking gay." "They're fucking, you know..." "It's the first time in the movie people aren't walking because instead they're bouncing on the bed." "I mean, admit it, even the trees in that fucking movie walked." "So the little, gay hobbits are hopping up and down on the bed and then fucking, you know, everyone's happy that Frodo's alive." "And then Sam pimps into the room and just leans against the door jam." "And he's looking at his boy in the bed, and his boy makes eye contact and Frodo and Sam looking at each other and you just get this feeling." "Like, they're looking at each other, and they're just like:" ""We've been through some fucking shit." "Granted, we walked a lot but we've seen some shit, and we took the ring and fucking two hobbits saved Middle-earth." "You and I, we saw spiders, we saw giant fucking birds we saw a lot of shit." "You and I have been through the shit."" "Like two Vietnam vets who made it out of Danang and shit." "Like, "We did it, Frodo."" "And they share this fucking look." "That's the end of the movie to me." "That's a beautiful way to go out." "And if you really wanted to fucking, like, blow the mind of the Academy..." "Because that's a movie that won the Academy Award for Best Picture." "And it was a foregone conclusion that it was gonna make gazillion bucks." "Everyone was gonna see that movie because they went to see the first two." "I always thought Peter Jackson should have just completely fucking taken a left at that point, you know." "Because it's like every..." "That's the tail end of the movie." "Everybody's seen the fucking adventure story we've gotten all the box office, why not just go fucking nuts." "Like, just do something that nobody was expecting." "All the people know the books really well." "All the people are hard-core fans of the other movies." "Like, instead, fucking Frodo's looking at Sam Sam's looking at Frodo." "And then Sam tells Merry and Pippin to take a hike." "And then Sam goes over and just sucks the fucking cock off Frodo." "Like, just a hard-core..." "Just this amazing, fucking awe-inspiring luscious blowjob scene between these two hobbits." "Like, just to watch the audience go, "What the fuck happened?"" "Like, "Did you fucking...?" "The little guy is blowing the little guy." "Fucking Jackson's lost his mind."" "And just like a 10-minute version of it." "Like, from a real porno fucking scene." "Just fucking like working it and fucking..." "And no music, just stark." "So you're just hearing, like:" "People would just be like, "What the fuck?"" "Like, it would be amazing." "I would give that dude the Academy Award right then and there." "I'd be like, "That is the bravest move I've ever seen in a mainstream movie." "Congratulations, you insane, glorious bastard."" "And at the end of it all, fucking Sam just bricks in Frodo's mouth." "Credits." "This is why they don't let me direct other movies." "Okay, we've heard about Jen's Playboy shoot but I was wondering if you'd tell us..." " Sorry, am I too...?" " Who the fuck is talking?" "Is that you?" "You?" "I didn't even see your lips moving." "Are you a ventriloquist dummy?" "That was awesome." "Or the ventriloquist, rather." " Maybe." " Right on." "Try again, sorry." "I was just wondering if you'd tell us about a cartoon strip you did a very sweet story about you and Jen's first kiss." "I was just wondering if you'd tell us how that came about because I thought it was really nice." "It was kind of sweet." "Not a real entertaining story, but sweet nonetheless." "New York Times Magazine asked me to do a fashion issue for them." "They were doing this big fashion issue." "And they're like, "We hear you write comic books." "Do you wanna write a story that involves fashion?"" "I was like, "All right, are we allowed to use comic-book characters like, you know, Spider-Man and fucking Daredevil and Green Arrow?" They said, "No."" "I was like, "All right." "Can I write about the first time I met my wife or the first time we kind of fell in love?"" "She's like, "Okay."" "So I wrote that, and Joe Quesada drew it and we worked..." "Every outfit she wore in each panel was different but it was based on real clothing and shit like that." "So we got the original artwork hung up in our house all framed, and it's hung up and shit." "But it was the sweetest thing." "It was a tough thing to top because one day I was just like, "Surprise!"" "And there was this little nine-page comic strip about, you know, how we met and fell in love in the New York Times Magazine section." "And she was like, "Oh, my God." "It's not 2:00, but let's fuck."" "But tough to top that." "After that, you give her things, and she's like:" ""It's great." "It's no New York Times Magazine." You know, shit like that." " Cheers." " Cheers, sir." "I was just wondering, I've seen the Degrassi episode you did." " Yes." " And you're playing sort of yourself, but not yourself." " Yes." "Have you, since then, been offered any other roles which...?" "You personally." "I know Jason has answered this." "Which are slightly more dramatic and not so much Silent Bob." "No, nobody offers me acting work ever." "Ever." "No offers whatsoever since then?" "No." "Well, Degrassi just aired, but even then, no." "I mean, I tried to convince the people in CTV the broadcasters in Canada to do a spinoff of Degrassi where I keep playing myself." " Not much luck with it, then?" " They weren't into it." "No." "Okay." " Thank you." " Thank you." " Yes, sir, you." " Right." " Yes, sir, you." " Right." "I've just got a question about what do you think, sort of, of all of your movies...?" "You think there's a scene that sort of sums up how you sort of view the world?" "Sort of what is your...?" "Perhaps a scene that sort of says:" ""That's really what I wanna say in movies."" "And for Jay, what's your favorite scene of all the movies you've done?" "Do you think, "Oh, I really, really like that scene?"" "The scene that kind of sums up my entire body of work I think is when Silent Bob's swinging off a rope." "Puts his head in the changing room and catches a glimpse of a pair of titties." "That really sums me up best." "I don't know." "That scene wound up getting cut out when we're talking to the two hookers in Jay and Bob?" " Yeah, that was cut." " But was it on the DVD?" " It was on the DVD." " So you know the scene..." "You tell them what scene." "But that's a scene I enjoyed." "I really liked that scene even though it got cut out." "But I think it's on the extras on the DVD." "Even though I haven't seen the extras on the DVD, so I didn't know." "It's great that you're like, "Was that scene in the movie?"" "No, I knew it wasn't in the movie but I wasn't sure if it was on the extras on the DVD because I don't really watch the extras so much." "Sometimes a little bit." "Not into the commentary tracks and shit?" "Don't wanna know?" "Don't wanna see behind the curtain?" " Been behind the curtain?" " No, because it all goes away." "This is real to me, these movies." "Every once in a while, he wakes up in the middle of the night:" ""Poop monster." "He was chasing me, we gotta run."" "Does he know what scene?" "Before you cut him off." "Do you know what scene we're talking about, sir?" "Yeah, unlike you, he's familiar with the DVD." " I didn't say I'd seen it." " Maybe he didn't see it, though." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Thank you, sir." "Yeah, it's just a quick one about funding." " Now, are you at the stage in your...?" " About funding?" "Yeah, are you at the stage in your career now that you could just make...?" "Sir, we wanna go out on a good one not like, "I have a question about financing."" "Have you ever sat in the office with the suits, and they said, you know:" ""He's here again the guy who keeps promising to make the Titanic of comedy but keeps delivering The Avengers?"" "What?" "Wait, what?" "Kick his ass!" "Were you picking on me?" " Just a question." " The Titanic..." "What is the Ti...?" "You know, the Titanic." "Bring in the mega bucks." "Have you ever been sat down and said:" ""If your next film doesn't deliver, that's the end of the road."" "Oh, has anyone ever...?" "Okay, I get it now." "The Avengers of comedy." "I was like, "What?" "What?" "What?"" "And fuck you, by the way." "No, it doesn't work like that." "And here's a brief education in the movie business:" "Theatrical release of any movie doesn't really fucking matter." "Essentially, now, in the days of DVD and, you know, revenue streams that continue going along after the theatrical life of a film the theatrical is one big commercial for your DVD release." "Because theatrical box office the studio doesn't even take a 100 percent of it." "They only take, like, 45 percent because the exhibitors get the rest." "And sometimes they have to split up back end of a feature as well with, you know, some stars who were involved or whatever." "So theatrical life, it doesn't matter." "I mean, the more you make at the box office, great." "It just means that there's more interest on DVD." "But ultimately, the real money is in DVD." "So we've always done really, really well on video." "That's why I continue to work." "So there's never been this scenario." "Because I always read about critics of mine people who hate me, who are just like:" ""This is it." "After this one, he's done." "They'll never let him work again:" "Silent Bob's dead, long live me, Internet guy," you know." "And it's like you sit there chuckling because it's like, "Dude, you have no idea how this shit works."" "Like, I'll never not have a fucking job because I never really make expensive movies." "And as long as I can always make back the initial investment plus a little on top I'll always work." "Like, that's the secret." "The secret is to just not spend a lot of money." "Or really, essentially, the secret is to not lose anybody a lot of money and to make them a little bit of profit because then they'll keep you around." "If you can turn even a tiny profit for them, they'll keep you around because that's better than losing money." "So every movie we've done has eventually returned." "And some returned a lot." "Like Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, we did 30 million in theaters we did 37 million on DVD." "You know, and they were ecstatic." "They were like, "You guys made more on DVD than fucking theatrical." "Why don't you just make straight-to-DVD movies?"" "Which ain't a bad idea, you know." "There'd be a lot more money to be made and a lot less risk being taken." "So I've never had the, you know, somebody-sat-me-down conversation." "Harvey Weinstein going:" ""If this one doesn't work, you're out of the club and we're putting you in movie jail."" "It doesn't work like that." "That's why the Internet is hysterical." "Everyone's got a theory about how shit really works, and it's just like, "No."" "So I'll continue." "I mean, the movies..." "As long as they make this much money, I'll continue to make shit." "It's the day that I make, like, the $80 million movie that makes 2 bucks, you know, that's when you're like:" "But, you know, I'm smart enough to avoid that and shit like that." "So me, I like to keep my shit kind of inexpensive." "Even Jersey Girl, which was, like, a lot for us, 35 million was kind of average or below average for a studio film." "Like, most studio movies now cost about 40, 45 and ours was like 35." "And really the whole movie wouldn't have cost that if Affleck didn't get paid 10 million bucks to essentially fuck up our movie." "So without Affleck getting paid 10 million, Jennifer got 4 the movie would've cost around 20, 21 to make which is pretty much what Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back cost to make." "So I tend to keep my shit responsible and because of that, I'll keep fucking working." "I don't have to deliver the Titanic." "I keep giving them the Avengers, and they're like, "Bring it on." "Avengers 9."" "Someone else." "It was good but not great." "Yes?" "Hi." "By the way, congratulations on the English accent, it's spot on." " Was it good?" " Definitely." "Been watching a lot of Eddie Izzard." "My question was about Jen." "I remember her writing something about when she was going into labor you flew her across from L.A. To New Jersey." "And I was just wondering why it was important for you for Harley to be born in New Jersey?" "We were in Los Angeles, and she was..." "It was weird." "This is something you only find out when you're hanging out with pregnant chicks." "They don't let pregnant women on airplanes if they're very close to term." "If you're like nine months, they won't let you on an airplane." "Because they don't..." "Especially a cross-country job." "Because they don't wanna run the risk of you going into labor in the air and them having to land in a cornfield or some such shit." "So they tend to keep them off and Jennifer, her water broke when we were in Los Angeles and they wanted her to go the hospital, you know to get ready for the fucking baby, and I was like, "Not out here." "We're not having a kid born in fucking Los Angeles over my dead body."" "She was like, "How are we gonna get home?"" "I was like, "We'll figure out a way."" "Scott Mosier, my producer, called up Harvey Weinstein, was like:" ""Jen's water just broke and Kev really wants her to have the baby in New Jersey."" "And Harvey was like:" "Scott's like, "Well, can we use the jet?"" "And he was like, "All right."" "So they sent the jet..." "The jet for us, and we got on the jet and it was me and Jen and Mosier and the guy up front driving the jet." "You know, four-and-a-half-hour flight, during which Jen sat in one chair and me and Mosier sat across from her just like this:" "And every once in a while Mosier was like:" ""Should we get some hot towels?"" "Because in TV and movies they're always like, "Get some hot towels!"" "We figured if we had some hot towels we'd be good to go." "Just throw them under and let shit drop." "But we made it all the way Jersey." "She didn't wind up having the baby for another week and shit." "So it was kind of a false alarm, but we got a free jet ride out of it." "And we didn't even get to use it." "Like, we could have sent Mosier into the bathroom joined the mile-high club and shit but she was all preggers and whatnot." "Do you like L.A. Now?" "Do I like L.A. Now?" "I like my house, which happens to be in L.A." "If I could move my house to New Jersey, that'd be awesome." "And if we can change the weather patterns in New Jersey so it was constantly 77 degrees like it is in Los Angeles that would be awesome too." "But not gonna happen." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Super powers, what would you have, both of you?" "Super powers, sir." "Really?" " Yes, you." " Oh, you're asking..." "I don't..." "Oh, fuck, I don't know, dude." "Fly, I guess." "I guess I would wanna fly." "Such a commitment, there." ""Fly, just fucking fly." " Fly, fly."" " I never really thought about it." "But I'd want them all if I really could have super powers." "The ability to be Polish and American at the same time." " Maybe." " That'd be pretty..." "That wouldn't be super, though, I don't think." "That wouldn't be super." "Super-stretchy cock would..." "I would get that." "Because then I could have the big cock all the time." "And then you can suck it too." "That's it, sir, stretchy cock." "Thank you." "Thank you."