"(lively percussion playing) CROWD:" "Go!" "Go!" "Good luck tonight." "May the floor be soaked with the blood of your enemy." "Someone's been watching Game of Thrones." "What's Game of Thrones?" "KATRINA:" "What are you talking about?" "You're supposed to plan my wedding, not ruin it, you whack job." "All right, love you, Ma." "Bye." "Always ends with a positive." "Now my mother's claiming you can't dye a couple of swans pink, even if it's your wedding." "MARJORIE:" "Aw, no." "What are you gonna do?" "Just spitballing here..." "uh, cancel the wedding?" "We haven't even picked a date yet." "You're all over the place with these crazy wedding plans." "Yesterday she wanted a tiara made out of sparklers." "Yeah, until they said it wasn't safe 'cause my veil could catch on fire." "Don't listen to them;" "it's your special day." "Aw, thanks, Marj." "(phone ringing) Oh, I got to take this." "What, Ma?" "Really?" "That's your solution?" "What's romantic about dyeing a duck?" "Hey, guys." "What are you going for?" "Lesbian scarecrow?" "Lumber-Jackie." "Aw, you took mine." "Come back to me." "I am wearing a woman's plaid shirt because I recently realized..." "Paula Bunyan." "I recently realized that I need to be a little more careful with my outfits when announcing the games with my teenage cohost." "If the Saints manage the clock, they should be in good shape tonight." "Jared?" "He agrees." "So that's why I'm dressed..." "Like a human bagpipe." "...more conservatively." "Oh, crap." "Look who we got reffing tonight." "We hate that guy." "I know we hate refs in general, because they, you know, try to make the game fair and all but why this guy in particular?" "Over the years, he's made so many crappy calls against us." "November 12, 2007... traveling." "March 18, 2009... shot clock violation." "Dad, when's my birthday?" "Summer?" "Ronny, that's not fair." "You know we had too many kids." "I've always thought he was cute." "Cute?" "Please!" "If my face fell off and he offered me his," "I still wouldn't take it." "Even if it was the last face on earth that could be safely harvested and installed." "Smart, Gerard." "A lot of times people's faces fall off and there's no plan in place." "(whistle blows)" "Foul?" "!" "That's not a foul!" "I've seen better calls at the suicide hotline!" "What game are you watching, ref?" "That's right, Arthur, you let him have it." "But remember your blood pressure... you're a walking time bomb." "Hey, settle down, Coach!" "That's a warning." "Ronny, go out there and argue the call." "Maybe get a technical." "Fire the team up." "As a guidance counselor, I try to be constructive." "Maybe if I start with a couple of compliments on the calls we like, he'll be more receptive..." "Will you just get out there!" "That's a nice vest, but I don't appreciate you yelling at me." "Dude, how was that even a foul?" "He made contact with the shooter during a shot." "Well, that's new information." "But, I mean, still, come on, how do you know he did that?" "Because I saw it and I heard it." "So you just have an answer for everything, don't you?" "Yeah." "I amuse you?" "You know what amuses me?" "You calling yourself a ref!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "Amused!" "You know, I have never been insulted so adorably before." "Wait, are you flirting with me?" "I am." "I think you're very cute." "Well, that's the first good call you've made." "Ronny, what are you doing?" "Give him hell!" "Oh." "I have to look mad, but I am not!" "You want to get a drink after the game?" "!" "That sounds nice!" "And maybe we'll get a bite to eat, too!" "Fine!" "We'll work out the details later!" "Fine!" "Oh." "I'm supposed to get a technical." "You want me to just throw you out?" "No." "Yes." "I don't know." "This is so exciting!" "(whistle blows)" "You're out of here!" "Oh!" "What?" "!" "That boy is an angel!" "Huh." "Now every member of the family's been kicked out of a basketball game." "I was not kicked out." "I was escorted." "The McCarthys SO1E11 Original air date 29/01" "Hey, I, uh, want to apologize for my family's behavior at the game." "I wish I could say they mean well, but they don't." "They just don't." "Wait." "You're a McCarthy?" "You didn't know?" "Thank you." "Hey, I've dealt with worse." "Which is not true... they're the worst I've ever dealt with." "Ah." "That's not a deal-breaker, is it?" "No." "Not at all." "Good." "I'm glad." "In fact, it might be kind of fun to be the bad boy that the family disapproves of." "You're from the wrong side of the tracks, but I see good in you." "Why won't they let us be together?" "I don't know, Johnny." "I blame society and its stupid, stupid rules." "You know my name is Doug, right?" "Yeah, but Johnny's a better "bad boy" name." "Yeah." "Totally." "Okay." "The forbidden romance of Johnny and..." " Who are you, Billy?" " No, I'm Rhonda." "The preacher's daughter." "Who's got to get out of this one-horse town 'cause she's tired of sewing her own dresses." "Or Billy." "Whatever." "(doorbell rings)" "Oh, hey, Katrina." "Gerard's not here, so on your way." "Oh." "No..." "I actually didn't come to talk to Gerard." "And you didn't talk to him." " Mission accomplished!" " No, no." "Marj, did you guys go out for Chinese last night?" "It was last-minute." "We didn't think to..." "Oh, wait a minute, we didn't." "Gerard said he had Chinese with you guys last night, but clearly he was lying." "(sighs) I think he might be cheating on me." "What?" "Gerard?" "He would never." "I know." "I never would have suspected him, but when I checked the odometer on his car..." "Wait, you check his odometer?" "Yeah, once a week." "Well, there's your mistake." "Why check the odometer when you can just hang on to the bottom like Robert De Niro in Cape Fear?" "Oh, my God, that movie was so funny!" "Wow." "Plus, the other day, I found a receipt in his pocket." "You also go through his pockets." "Good." "Yeah." "It was from an Arby's all the way up iLowell." "And ever since we started planning the wedding, he's just been acting really tense and squirrely." "Oh, well, he's always been that way." "When he and Sean were born, the doctor said, "The big one is relaxed, but the little one's tense and squirrely. "" "Marj, I'm worried." "Last night was the first time in as long as I can remember that we went to bed without fighting." "Katrina, look, I raised that boy." "I promise you, no one is more loyal than he is." "Well, I hope you're right, Marj." "'Cause if he's cheating on me, there is no way I'm marrying him." "Gerard might be cheating on Katrina!" "What?" "No." "I know my twin better than anyone I've ever shared a womb with;" "Gerard would never cheat on Katrina." "I don't think he'd cheat either." "But even if he was, why would you be so happy about it?" "Do I have to spell it out?" "He's cheating, she finds out, wedding's off, Katrina's gone, ticker tape parade!" "Sailors kissing nurses in the street!" "The economy rebounds!" "Why is nobody more excited?" "!" "Oh, right." "We don't want to jinx it." "(knocking)" "Be there in a jiffy." "(quietly):" "Jiffy?" "What the hell's a jiffy?" "A short amount of time." "Why are we coming in?" "Why are we closing the door?" "Ronny, I want to tell you I'm proud of you." "What's with the wine?" "I enjoy a little wine in the evening." "Two glasses?" "I enjoy a lot of wine in the evening." "So, Dad, you were saying?" "Right." "Ronny..." "Didn't you used to have four pillows on your couch?" "Marjorie, please, we're having a jiffy." "Jiffies are quick." "This is not a jiffy." "At the game last night, you showed me that you share my passion for coaching." "Oh, there's the fourth pillow." "Why is it over here?" "Because I like it there." "When did this happen?" "I feel like we're drifting." "Anyway... for what you did at that game, you've earned this." "A whistle?" "My father gave me this." "And now..." "I'm giving it to you." "Thank you, Dad." "I'm really honored." "Are these Grandpa's teeth marks?" "Okay, truth is, that may not be Grandpa's." "I find a lot of whistles." "Great." "Well..." "I will boil this and wear it with pride." "Good night." "Wait." "Ronny, I also have great news." "Gerard might be cheating on Katrina." "What?" "There's no way that's true." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, apparently, the other night he went to the Arby's in Lowell." "That is where the movie stars go to cheat." "Now, thanks for the whistle and for the latest Arby's buzz." "Good night." "Oh." "Hello." "Oh, my God." "What the hell is he doing here?" "Who knows?" "But he better get out of here, and he better not come back in, like, half an hour if that works for him, time-wise!" "MARJORIE:" "Wait a minute, it all adds up." "Two wineglasses, pillows rearranged in a suggestive manner." "This is a date!" "This is going right back in the lost-and-found box." "Preacher's mad, Rhonda." "Preacher's real mad." "Hey, guys." "Really?" "Save your "hey, guys""" "We all know your dirty little secret." "Ronny, you know I never quote the Bible, but "man shall not lie down with refs. "" "You still haven't quoted the Bible." "I still think Doug's really cute." "What?" "I mean he's gross." "I have no courage." "Okay, seriously, you guys?" "Ronny, what if word gets out?" "What would people think of us?" "In your mind, what do people think of us right now?" "Solid citizens, pillars of the community." "Basically, we're the modern-day Kennedys." "Okay, this is insane." "You're all making a blanket judgment about refs." "When the Irish first came to America, people hated them just because they were from Ireland." "Sure, but once everyone got to know us, they realized we're delightful." "Yes." "Once they got to know us." "And you guys don't even know Doug." "What else do we need to know?" "Well, for one thing, reffing isn't even his only job." "He also builds boats." "Boat builder?" "Ugh." "Like we need more boats." "Gerard's right, the water's laden with them." "ARTHUR:" "Look, Ronny, you need to understand, your mother and I are from a different generation." "Oh, the old "different generation" excuse again." "When have I ever used that?" "Recycling." "Seatbelts." "ATMs." "Hey, I'm not feeding my checks to a robot." "You know what you are?" "You're all... refist." "Whoa." "Hey." "That is a harsh made-up word." "We're not refist, we're just old-timey." "That's not a new point; that's your" ""different generation" excuse dressed up in new words." "What can I say?" "I'm from a bygone era." "Maybe we should get to know him." "Oh, please." "Like they'd even try." "They're not open-minded enough." "Oh, really?" "Well, how's this for open-minded?" "Bring him over for dinner tomorrow night." "Oh, no." "That's not necessary." "Interesting... you accuse us of being refist, but you don't give us a chance to prove that we're not." "I think we know who's really closed-minded here, don't we?" "You know what?" "I will bring him over." "Oh, no." "Not necessary." "Hmm." "Looks like we're back to you being closed-minded." "Damn it." "Fine." "Dinner tomorrow night." "Damn it." "Fine." "Doug and I will be here at 7:00." "Why not come at 6:00?" "We'll be here at 5:00." "I don't think anybody wants to eat that early." "See you and Doug here tomorrow night, Ronny." "I'm not like the rest of them." "I'm gonna keep on thinking he's cute." "Thank you, Jackie." "You're an inspiration." "Should I sing?" "No." "Hey, Gerard, you want to watch the game later?" "I can't." "Busy." "Yeah, me too." "I got to watch the game later." "Busy, huh?" "Where you off to?" "Why the third degree?" "Oh, sorry." "Didn't mean to pry." "All right, if you must know..." "I got to go to the store." "Return some shoes." "They're too small." "Oh, well, thanks for your candor." "It's confirmed:" "Gerard is cheating on Katrina." "What are you talking about?" "He's returning shoes because they're too small?" "No shoes have ever been too small on Gerard." "He's got the feet of a geisha." "Hello, everyone." "You all remember" "Doug, who was gracious enough to come here and set aside past hostility." "For present hostility." "Thank you so much for having me." "You have a very lovely home." "How do you know?" "You can't see it." "Because I'm blind." "Okay, that's a new one." "Nice manners." "Comes over and judges the freshness of our insults." "You know, maybe this wasn't such a good idea." "No, it's fine." "Guys, Doug's here so you can all show how open-minded you are." "So be better." "Be..." "better people than you are." "Fine." "Welcome, Doug." "We feel neutral, if not slightly positive, about you being here." "Doug, the stripes on your referee shirt are perfectly parallel... good work there." "Well, I didn't make the shirt." "Just take the compliment." "It's all I got." "You're okay with me." "I don't judge people by the color of their shirts, only by their physical attractiveness." "Well, that's... better?" "Much better." "Dad?" "Anything you want to add?" "Fine." "On November 12, 2007... my player may have taken a third step." "Oh, okay." "Thank you." "Uh, not sure that that was me." "I wasn't even reffing back then." "Oh, sorry." "You all look alike to me." "Dad." "You can't say that." "Why, Ronny?" "Why can't we say how we really feel?" "I don't like you, Doug." "I don't like what you stand for." "I don't like your boats." "All you refs do is walk around telling people what they did wrong." "Well, I tried blowing the whistle to compliment people... kind of slowed down the games." "I don't like your quips." "Well, well, well." "Look who's here." "I thought you'd be off in Lowell, rolling around naked in a bunch of roast beef." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "Katrina, you seem upset." "Go ahead, sweetie, air it all out." "Admit it, Gerard!" "You're cheating on me with some skank from Lowell." "What?" "I would never cheat on you." "Oh yeah?" "Well, I know you're going to Lowell, and you always bring this bag with you." "What is this?" "Your overnight cheating bag?" "And why does it have a lock on it?" "What's in it?" "Fling paraphernalia?" "Slutty underwear?" "Axe body spray?" "Katrina, you're wrong." "Okay, if you're not cheating, then I guess you wouldn't mind opening this bag right now." "Katrina, don't do this..." "not in front of my family." "Open this right now or I will leave you forever!" "Why do you even need to see what's in the bag, Katrina?" "Go with your gut." "Gerard, I'm waiting." "Fine." "Oh, my God." "What?" "My boy's a ref." "That's right, I've been reffing." "Oh, my God, Arthur." "I thought we did everything right." "So you're not cheating?" "We haven't heard the whole story." "He still may be." "It was just part-time." "But why didn't you tell me?" "Because I was trying to save extra money for our wedding, and I knew you'd feel bad if I was working an extra job." "Oh, Ger-Bear, you're wrong." "I was gonna say, why don't you get an extra job so we could have a nicer wedding?" "Really?" "Yeah." "But of all the ways to make money... why reffing?" "Someone offered me a reffing gig." "And I said I'd only do it once, but it was so easy." "And the money was good." "Eventually, I just learned how to... go dead inside while I was doing it." "I assume you'll all never want to speak to me again, so..." "I guess this is good-bye." "Gerard." "You'll always be my son." "Is this really just about being a referee?" "No." "Yes." "(whistle blows)" "How things change, you know?" "I'm glad I got to know that guy as a person." "Yeah, now with all that drama behind us," "I'm getting to know him, too." "See, today's boats are typically built with a U-shaped hull." "But really it's the Vikings who should get all the credit for this, because they knew more than we ever imagined about water displacement." "You know what I find really fascinating?" "Is it boat-related?" "Yeah, it's boat-related." "Studies have shown that U-shaped hulls attract more barnacles than V-shaped hulls." "You know who doesn't care about barnacles?" "Bad Boy Johnny." "Rhonda, you are a bad influence." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah, 'cause you got to care about barnacles." "I guess I was so focused on the family stuff that I didn't realize we have nothing in common." "He calls you Rhonda?" "As soon as I said it, I knew it'd become the headline." "(whistle blows) What?" "That didn't look like traveling to me." "Me neither." "But as I've learned, Doug is a human person." "So be respectful when you go out there and tell him that was a garbage call." "Come on." "Traveling?" "Really?" "That's my call." "Speaking of which," "I haven't heard from you in a few days." "What's up?" "Oh." "Now?" "Okay." "Doug, you're great." "You're smart and you know so very much about boats, but I just don't think we have a whole lot in common." "Oh." "I get it." "Thank you for understanding." "Yeah, you took a walk on the wild side, pissed off your parents a little, now you can tell all your friends you've been with a ref." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "You got a taste of the stripes?" "Satisfied your zebra fever?" "That's not even a thing." "Admit it, Ronny." "You'll never see me as more than a referee." " What?" " You know what?" "(whistle blows)" "Get off my court!" "What was that?" "He played the ref card." "Hey, you watch your mouth." "Your brother's a ref."