"MOSFILM" "Artistic Association of Comedy and Musical Films presents" "KIN-DZA-DZA!" "Written by" "Revaz GABRIADZE Georgy DANELIYA" "Directed by Georgy DANELIYA" "Director of Photography Pavel LEBESHEV" "Production Designers" "Alexander SAMULEKIN Theodor TEZIK" "Music by Gia KANCHELI" "English subtitles by T. Kameneva" " Hi." " Hi." "What's new?" "Manyukhin got pipes burst on his site." "That's what she's like, an Odessa girl, a delicate, lively Odessa girl," "She dances and sings," "The kisses she brings To those who with merriment rings!" "Daddy, daddy, what are we to do When the freezing cold comes?" "You have no warm kerchief, You have no winter coat!" "How is our exemplary student?" " He went for a walk." "Vovka, go buy bread." "I forgot to." "Yes, and buy some macaroni." "Comrade, there's a man there who says he's an alien." " We have to do something." " Call the ambulance." "I will, but he's all but barefoot, he may catch a cold." " Hello." " Hello." "Sorry, I smell bad." "It's cold." "I took this from an iron box." "Good for you." "Friend, tell me the number of your planet in the Tentura, or at least the number of your galaxy in the Spiral." "Because I mixed up contacts and can't return home now." "We don't know the number." "We forgot it, dear." "The boy will go and call the information, and we'll wait for him in a bread shop." "All right?" "Meanwhile, put this on." "Oh, thank you." "Listen, friends." "Forget the bread shop, forget the information." "This is my planet." "UZM 247 in the Tentura." "Beta Galaxy in the Spiral." "This is the machine for moving over in space." "Which contact shall I push to move back home?" "Because time is relative." "You must know that?" "We have a suggestion:" "we push the contacts and move to your place." "But if the machine doesn't work, then you will move where we move you." "Is it a deal?" "No, we can't." " One should know." " We can." " What do you see?" " Sand." "So that bullshit worked." "And that goat with holes, did he stay back there?" "Stay cool." "There's the sun." "There's the sand." "There's gravitation." "Where are we?" "We are on Earth." " Or..." " Or?" "Let's suppose we're on Earth, in a desert." "The Kara Kum?" "What other deserts do we have?" " Gobi, Sahara." " I said, deserts we have." "We have Kyzyl Kum, too." "No, let's suppose it's Kara Kum." "All right." "The sun is in the west." "So Ashkhabad must be there." "Got it?" "Let's go." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Cast:" "Olga Mashnaya Irina SHMELYOVA" "Lev PERFILOV Anatoly SERENKO" "Comrade, what's your name?" "Vladimir Nikolayevich." "And I'm Gedevan." "Nice meeting you." "Starring" "Stanislav LYUBSHIN as Mashkov" "Yevgeny LEONOV as Uef" "Yuri YAKOVLEV as Bi" "Levan GABRIADZE as Gedevan" "Do you remember what number did he say, the one who got my sock?" "No, I don't." "Maybe we're on the planet from which he moved to ours?" "Look, violinist, whatever we may guess, we won't know a damn thing." "We've chosen the direction, and we're walking." "First thing we must get to the water." "You get it?" "Vladimir Nikolayevich, I'd like to put my slippers on." "Put them on!" "You have to stop then!" "What time is it?" " Four o'clock." " At night?" "At night." "Are you being late?" "It's so embarrassing." "I called from the airport and said I'd come in an hour, and now..." "You study at the conservatory?" "No, it's not mine." "It's Professor Rogozin's." "He was giving us a sponsor concert, and then they forgot to put his violin in the plane." " It was a banquet?" " No, a dinner." " You from Tbilisi?" " From Batumi." "I thought I'd give him the violin and catch the last electric train." "I study in Ivanovo, at a textile school." "I took entrance exams for the Institute of International Relations, but they said that I'm..." "Quiet." "Koo!" "A human." "Koo!" " Koo." " Hello." "Koo!" "Capitalist country." "Koo!" "Koo!" "Koo!" "You know foreign languages?" "English." "A little bit of French." "Tell them we don't have any money." "Tell them." "They want us to pay." "Gentlemen, sorry!" "We haven't money." "Now!" "Koo." "Hello." "We're our tourists." "We've lost our group." "Give us a lift to town, then we'll manage somehow." "Translate." "Do you speak English?" "Koo?" " Parlez vous Francais?" " Koo?" "Hi." "Do you speak English?" "Parlez vous Francais?" "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" "Koo?" "Chatl." "No money." "Money, documents, currency, - our guide has got all." "Well, this is the situation." "We stepped aside for a second and got lost in the sands." "Ku." "Here." "It's warm." "Koo?" " I beg your pardon?" " Koo." "You want the hat?" "You're welcome." "This is not mine, I can't give it." "There's nothing inside." "Open it." "It's not wine, it's vinegar." "Koo!" " Ku!" " Sour, isn't it?" "Is it a deal, friend?" "Will you give us a lift?" "Violinist, hurry up." "Only to the nearest town, then we'll manage ourselves." "Koo!" "The sweater?" "Bastards!" "Good I didn't give them the violin." "They got ashamed." "Ketse!" "Ketse!" "Ketse!" " Ketse what?" " Ketse." "Ketse." "I think he wants a match." " Want a match?" " Ketse!" "Here." "Koo?" " The whole box?" " Koo!" "First take us out of here, then we'll give you koo." "Not a single letter, not a single "made in"." "Koo!" " Sorry, I don't understand." " Koo!" "Sprechen Sie Turkish?" "Ku!" "Koo." "What do they want?" "They want koo." "Tsak." "Thank you." "Tsak." "He wants me to put on the bell." "He'll do without." "Tsak." "Tsak." "It's not nice." "I'll put it on." "Go ahead." "Tsak!" "Tsak!" "Tsak!" "Tsak!" "All right, you've talked me in." "Jingle!" "Jingle!" "Koo!" "Koo!" " Koo." " Koo." "Koo." "Koo." "Koo." "Koo!" "Koo." "Koo." "I want a smoke, let me pass." " Ketse!" "Ketse!" " Easy, easy!" "Ketse!" "Vladimir Nikolayevich, perhaps after all, we're on..." "Yeah, they're typical Martians." "Ku!" "Oh, dear Lyusia, damn you, what did you need those macaroni for?" "Well..." "So we know Russian?" "Why were you hiding that?" "We're not hiding anything." "It's hard to dig in a language when you think in two languages at once." "And this patsak speaks languages he doesn't know how to continue." "What are you staring at, maimuno verishvilo?" " They know Georgian too." " What did he say?" " Monkey, son of a donkey." " All right..." "We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange program." "Our people know where we are, they're looking for us." "If you don't let us to get in touch with our embassy, you'll be in big trouble." "You got it?" "Tsak." "Koo." "We don't understand "embassy"." "Put on the tsak, quick." "So you understand macaroni, you understand maimuno, and what the embassy is, you don't know, poor things." "Don't you bullshit us, all right?" "You were thinking about macaroni, and I just said it." "It's not Earth, and not Africa, my dear." "This is the Planet Plyuk." "215 in the Tentura." "Galaxy "Kin-Dza-Dza" in the Spiral, all right?" "There we go." "Just great!" "Put on the bell, my dear." "Put it on." "There you go..." "Good boy." "Koo!" "Excuse me, where have we landed?" "He got very keen ears." "You know the tentura of your planet?" "The tentura?" "Well, tell me the number of your galaxy in the spiral." " In the spiral?" " Yes." "You know where Earth is?" "It's where planets spin, such as..." "Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter." "What other planets?" "The Great Bear." "Vladimir Nikolayevich, come here." "Do you have more matches on your planet?" "We'll find some." "How many will you give us if we lay you there?" " How many do you need?" " Two full boxes like this." " Seven." " Seven." "And give me what you've got now." "I'll buy a gravitsappa for them." "Excuse me, what is gravitsappa?" "Gravitsappa is without what a pepelats can fly only like this, and with a gravitsappa it can fly to anywhere in the universe in 5 seconds." "Guys, how do you roll the pepelats out of the garage without a gravitsappa?" "We had a gravitsappa, but after we flew in here, it was stolen." "Don't you have the machine for moving over in space?" "No." "Give me the matches." "Give me the water." " Ku!" " Ku!" " Ku!" " Ku!" "Like this!" "You should do like this!" "You should do it like this!" "Like this!" "It's yours." "Smoke like this now." " Thanks." " Koo!" "Koo!" "He says he has a gravitsappa." "Put the matches here." "When you lay us on Earth, you'll get this and this." "What?" "Let's go, violinist, into outer space." "Wait!" "Give it back." " Give it back!" " You'll get it on our Mother Earth." "Vladimir Nikolayevich, you said if we got you there you'd give us everything." "And you stole our match." "A patsak never cheats on a patsak." "It's not nice, my dear." "I said, to town." " And what is this?" " A barn." "And what is this?" "And what is this?" "And what is this?" "Isn't it a town?" "Stop jerking." "Show us your gravitsappa." "If it's a quality product, we'll take it." "Patsak!" "What idiots would take contraband goods in front of witnesses, when you can get for it a life etsikh with nails?" "What have you got in your head:" "brains or ku?" "!" "We'll buy it ourselves." "Let's go." "Halt!" "Halt, I said!" "Who are you?" "Who are you, I'm asking?" " An alien foreman." " No!" "You're a patsak!" " And who are you?" " I'm a Georgian." "No, you're a patsak, too!" "You're a patsak, you're a patsak, and he's a patsak." "And I'm a chatlian, and they're chatlians." "So put the tsak on and sit in the pepelats, all right?" "What?" "Look at me with the visor, dear." "Which dot is responding?" "The green one." "Now look at him." "Green, too." "Yours is green, too." "Now look at Uef." "What dot is it?" "Orange." "Because he's a chatlian." "Understand now?" " What?" " Plyuk is the chatlian planet." "That's why we, patsaks, must wear tsaks." "And before us, chatlians, one must do like this!" "Vladimir Nikolayevich, this is a flagrant racism." "Show me once again." "Like this!" " Do me a favor, slower." " Like this!" "Vladimir Nikolayevich, you got a wife at home, a D-pupil son." "You haven't paid up for your cooperative apartment." "And you're bullshitting us here." "You may end up bad, my dear." "Here!" "All right, violinist, let's play their games." "Good boy." "Now give the match to Uef, and he'll buy the gravitsappa." " He said he wanted all of them." " I was kidding." "You're jolly fellows." " Koo!" " Wait." "Koo!" "We'll go together." "Don't show them your ketses and don't think about them." "Show my ketse and don't give them more than a half match." "The gravitsappa costs a half match." "And your patsak said it cost a whole match." "He was kidding too." "The cement is of the 300 grade." "Remember, patsak, a half or even less." "All right." "Excuse me, chatlians and patsaks, is it a nationality?" "No." " A biological factor?" " No." " Persons from other planets?" " No." "And what's the difference between them?" "Are you a color-blind person?" "Can't you tell green color from orange?" "Some tourist!" "A skyscraper." "Come on!" "Koo?" "Koo!" "Do as I told you." "Hi, Miss." "Aren't you cold in your coat?" "They won't let me in." "They only let you go." "Don't give them the ketse." "Bring the gravitsappa here, I'll look at it." "Go." "Not you." " We're together." " No." "Vladimir Nikolayevich, tell him!" "All right." "Wait here." "But don't go anywhere." "Hi!" "How you doing?" "You want me to sit down?" "Well, as a courtesy to the ladies present." "Well, what's new on Plyuk?" "Put down the ketse, you'll get the gravitsappa." "A half." "A half." " May I have a look?" " Look." "Well, I'm not an expert on those gravitsappas." "Let's go and show it to my chatlian, he'll check it." "We'll put the tsapa in." "A sore throat?" "Water." "I have a suggestion:" "I give you the rest of the ketse, you give me two bottles of water." "All right." "Got any food?" "Porridge." "What kind?" "Plastic." "All right, I give you this whole ketse, you give me five bottles of water and a kilo of porridge." " What's this?" " Ketse." " Have to check it again." " Check it." "Koo!" "Hey, just a second!" "Wait." "Violinist, can you get matches on Earth?" "Yes, I can." "If you spit farther, I'll give you a half chatl." "Here." "With this plyuk." "If I spit farther, you'll give me two matches." " Understand?" " No." "A very simple game." "I give you a half chatl, you give me three matches on Earth." "Here!" " Spit, son." " I don't want to." "All right, you give me one match, and I give you 3 chatls, yellow pants and this big head start." " Come on." " No." " Blue pants." " No, I will do it on no conditions." "Is it your rear word?" "Why are you snowjobbing me, then?" "Maimuna verishvila!" "Mister Uef, I'm a representative of a civilized planet." "And I demand that you watch your vocabulary!" "Where are they?" " Who?" " The one with a scar." "I, the idiot, gave him all the matches." "Ku!" "Ku!" "Ku!" "Stop it, guys, enough." "Enough!" "What's enough?" "I've told him a thousand times we have to fly to the center." "But he's as greedy as all chatlians!" "Two chatls cheaper!" "Ku!" "We got one more." "As far as I understand, it's enough for a gravitsappa." "Give it here." " Why?" " To buy a gravitsappa." "Where?" "Over there, at the center." "How can you carry us to Mother Earth if you even don't know in which galaxy it spins?" "Any planetarium at the center, idiot, will give us the number of your planet for two chatls." "Give me the match, come on!" "And then you'll bury us in sand, right?" " So you're not giving it?" " No." "Is that your rear word?" "It can't be any rearer." "Then farewell, my dear." "They'll fly away." "They'll be back." "They'll cut each other's throats for a match." "Either you're giving us this match right now, or we won't lay you on Earth for less than 7 matchboxes." "Two thousand." "Three." "Twenty three hundred." "Three." "Twenty five hundred, I can't give any more." "You can, my dear." "Mister Bi." "I've got 50 rubles." "The price of matches is 2 kopecks a box." "Therefore, I can buy twenty five hundred." "The violinist is cheating, he got more chatls." "Mr. Uef, I'm not a violinist to you." "My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich." "Is the engine there?" "Don't poke your nose into every hole, Gedevan Alexandrovich." "Gedevan, let's tie these jerks up and head north." "Why?" "Who knows, perhaps the Mediterranean is lapping over there." "Are you off your rocker, my dear?" "How can Plyuk have any seas?" "They'd been made into luts long ago." "Excuse me, into what?" "Into fuel, violinist, into fuel." " Here." "You owe us 6,140 matchboxes." " Why so many?" "You gobbled the porridge, you drink the water." "Plus the contraption." "Cross the contraption out, we're not taking the contraption." "Put it down." "Let's take it." "At least we'll bring back some technology." "Otherwise they won't believe us." "Then give him the violin, if you want it so much." "The violin is Italian. 18th century." "It costs 1 ,000 rubles, if not more." "How am I going to pay for it?" "Koo?" "Koo." "Violinist, instead of thinking all the time that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut and that you'll get a Nobel Prize, give back the spoon you stole from the destitute artists." "I was thinking nothing of the sort." "I wanted to give it to the Institute of Non-ferrous Metals as something new." "O heavens!" "The heavens have never seen such an ignominious patsak as you, violinist." "It grieves me deeply." " Where're you going?" " To the toilet." "You can't go to the toilet with money." "Leave the money here," "Gedevan Alexandrovich." "The ketse's very expensive, my dear." " Why?" "How do you figure it out on your Earth who before whom should sit down and how many times?" "Well, just by eye." "Savages." "Look, I sort of like you, so I'll teach you." "If I have a few ketses," "I have the right to wear yellow pants and a patsak must sit down before me not one, but two times." "If I have many ketses," "I have the right to wear crimson pants and then a patsak must sit down before me two times, and a chatlian must do koo, and an etsilopp has no right to beat me at night." "Never!" "I have a suggestion, my dear." "You give us the match now and we'll bring you yellow pants later, all right?" "Thanks, I've got them already." "Perhaps the violinist needs them?" "Violinist, those aliens are pushing black market pants here!" "Yellow!" "You want some?" "The violinist is not here, my dear." " What do you mean?" " I've ejected him." "Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolayevich, we got another catapult, a new one." "The old one was not good anyway." "I don't understand?" "I pressed the kapa, and he flew away." "We don't need the violinist, dear." "He just eats up fuel." "Turn it back." "We can't." "We're out of luts, we have to fly to a luts station." "Turn it back!" "Or I'll burn this ketse to hell!" "Gedevan!" "Violinist!" "Violinist!" " Where can he be?" " I've told you." "He was caught by the etsilopps." " Let's fly, dear." " Death would be too good for you!" "Radio the etsilopps." "We don't have a radio." "We threw it out." " I'll check it." " An etsilopp!" "Put on the tsak." "Put on the tsak!" "He'll do without." "Koo!" "Koo." "Put it on." "He'll tranklucate both you and the match." "Koo." "Koo!" "Hello." "Look, friend, we've lost our boy." " Haven't you seen him?" " Koo." "What?" "Koo!" "Sorry, I forgot." "They say you picked him up." "Koo." "Didn't I tell we don't need the violinist?" "Didn't I?" "!" "What are we going to buy luts with now?" "With what?" "!" "What a bastard you are, dear." "He's even worse, he's just a ku!" "I have a suggestion." "We'll find the violinist and fly to the local government." "Bring some sand, dear." "We'll tell them who we are and from where." "They'll give us a gravitsappa." "And we... will make a mutually profitable trade-in." "You'll give us yellow pants, we'll give you as many ketses as you want." "To fly to the government, you need to have a gravitsappa." "The government lives on another planet, dear." "Uncle Vova, I'm here!" "Here!" " Violinist!" " What?" " Where's my... what's its name..." " Tsak?" "Well?" " I got it." " Then give it to me." " What do you need it here for?" " Give it to me, I said." "There's no one here." " This is mine." " Keep it ready." "Are you sleeping?" "No." "Cheer up." "If there's a gravitsappa on this Plyuk, we'll get it." "We used to get even more valuable things." "Stay cool." "Hey, stop!" "Koo!" "Give us a lift to the center!" " Stop, patsak." " What?" "Don't come closer." " What do you want?" " Take us to the center." "Three chatls." "No money." "But we'll work for it." "What can you do?" " Me?" "I can do anything." " Exactly?" "Vladimir Nikolayevich is a builder, a foreman." "We'll build you a house!" "And what can you do?" "Me?" "He can play the violin!" "Play." " Play." " I can't play." "Bye, patsaks." "Wait, Miss, I can play!" "Play." "Here?" "Over there!" "Wait, I'll put on the sound." "Play." "And sing." "Just a minute!" "How does it go..." "Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "Super!" " What?" " I say, super." "People like it." " What?" " People like it." "No." " Let me play the drums." " Like what?" "Foreman." "We don't need the violinist." "He may come handy." "Give us some water to drink." "I said, after the performance." "We could have just taken it." "By force." "Then you would've begged for it." "If you touch me, an etsilopp will fly in and pull your legs out." " I fuck your etsilopp." " Cool it, violinist." "Don't irritate the lady." "Foreman." "I got you, got you." "Got you." "Look, do you know someone with a gravitsappa and a pepelats?" "Why?" "He could lay us on Earth." "We'd give a crate of ketse to you and to him." "I know you don't believe words." "What am I thinking now?" "That your wife calls all the morgues." "No, what am I thinking right this moment?" " That you'll give." " So it's true." "What idiot on Plyuk would think the truth?" "It's absurd." "Yes, because you say what you don't think and think what you don't think, that's why you sit in cages, and that's why all this wretched cataclysm that I'm observing here, and Vladimir Nikolayevich, too." "You were told that patsaks should perform in a cage, so it must be a cage." "Why showing off?" "It's all right, dear, we can sing just next to it." "Get in." "He's nabbed us." "He's trankluating." "We're not beasts." "What?" "!" " Yes, you will get in!" " Let go!" "Let go!" "Ku!" "Koo!" "Get in, or he'll melt us!" "All right, let's come in, violinist, as long as they're begging." "Get in." "One... two... three." "Dance!" "Dance." "Find yourself another pop group, jerk!" "What?" "!" "I'll be right back." "We have to split." "Boys, give a push to the cart, there's a rise here." "That we're always ready to do." "Step on it." "Bye." "Vermin." "I'm going to tell everybody to what state that clown, Pezhe, has reduced the planet!" "Patsaks are bossing chatlians around!" "Ku!" "What?" " Everything's in there?" " She stole the perfume." "A woman." "Let me." " You got lead in there or what?" " Let me carry it, Uncle Vova." "I don't even know which way to look." "Where's Earth?" "Galina Borisovna, as patsaks, comrade Mashkov and I could get two chatls for a performance, that's the maximum." "Water, luts and fines to etsilopps, - that made up at least a chatl a day." "And the gravitsappa costs a half ketse, which amounts to 2,200 chatls." "We divide it by 365, subtract Saturdays and Sundays, and we get 6." "So I just couldn't come back any sooner than in 6 years." "That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but it's just words." "Where's the proof that you came from outer space, and not just sold the violin, as Professor Rogozin claims, and operated all that time at a disco in Gagry?" "Here's the mineral." "Here's the chatl." "Here's the tsak." "As for pebbles and sand, I enclosed them with my explanatory note and handed to Raya in the dean's office, for her to send it to UNESCO." " Where?" " To UNESCO." "You're a grownup man, Gedevan Alexandrovich." "You finished one semester and then disappeared for years." "Now you show up with a rock, with a fragment of the Caucasian ceramics and a fishing bell." "And you're claiming that..." "Besides, if you can play music, why didn't you take part in our amateur talent shows?" "Excuse me, violinist, but this is an elementary koo!" "End of Part One" "PART TWO" "Short Chatlian-Patsak Dictionary" "KETSE - a match TSAK - a bell for the nose" "ETSIKH - a bin for prisoners" "ETSILOPP - a representative of the authorities" "PEPELATS - a spaceship" "GRAVITSAPPA - a detail of the pepelats engine" "KU - an obscenity accepted by society" "KOO - all other words" " Hi!" " Hello." "Long time no see." "Bye." "Hey, wait a second." "I have a suggestion." "What?" "What are we thinking about you?" "Come on." "Penetrate our brains." "Why are you badgering us?" "What do you want?" " Have you no shame?" " And what about you?" "We're just poor, wretched, hungry artistes." "Have we done you any wrong?" "Why are you pursuing us?" "Give me your contraption." "Tune it up." "Good." "Come on." "One, two, three." "¶ Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "¶ Koo!" "¶ Mama, mama, how am I to live?" "¶ I have no warm coat," "¶ I have no warm underwear." "Shut up." "You have no ear." "¶ Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "¶ Koo!" "¶ Mama, mama, how am I to live?" "Uncle Vova, do it again." " They like it." " They dig it." "One, two!" "An etsilopp!" "Koo!" "Koo!" "Artistes, where's our pigsty?" " The pepelats?" " Yes." "Over there." " We're out of luts." " Because of you, bastard." "Violinist, what are you doing?" "Hoodlum!" " Leave me alone." " My dear." "This is the last breath." "A grave." "Cemetery." "Checkmate." " And you said you had high rating." " He's a braggart." "You win at the expense of my brains." "If you had brains, you'd be at the International Institute now, instead of bullshitting us here." "Let's play again." "You stake the violin, the case and the tooth stick." "And this." "All right?" "All right." "And you - the contraption, the visator and Mr. Uef's lifeblood." " It's possible." " Come on." "Uncle Vova." "You should fix the tsappa." " Here, do it yourself!" " I can't, I'm a chatlian." "Get out of here!" "When it comes to giving advice, they are all chatlians, but when it's work..." " Kindermate." " Unfair play." "You deliberately thought out my moves badly." "You should play with your own brains." "How can he if he's seeing those dolls for the first time?" "None of my business." "Give me my win." "No way." "Uef, have you ever seen such a little patsak being so mercenary a ku?" "Never." "I said we didn't need the violinist." "Here's the result." "Hey, boss!" "And you said, the tsappa." "Does no one sing in cages on your planet?" "Mister Bi, on Earth only beasts are put in cages." "The beasts, are they chatlians?" "I don't know." "But it looks like it." "So the nightingale is a patsak?" "Why patsak?" "You said yourself that he sings without a cage." "So he's a patsak." "You see?" "!" "You got as flagrant a racism as it is here, on Plyuk." "Only power was seized not by chatlians, but by patsaks, such as you and your friend, the nightingale." "Let me do it." "Here, four gulps." "Water for the kid." "You owe us 6,042 matchboxes." "Violinist, write it down." "I have already." "Want it?" "No." "It's free." "What are you doing?" "What about me?" "What about me?" "What about me?" "What about me?" "I'm giving 10 more matchboxes." "Have some water." "Kin-dza-dza!" " A motorboat!" " It's not a motorboat." "It's a luts station." " Let's fill up." " No!" "It's automatic, but the next one has a woman." "We'll perform, she'll give us a discount." "Stop loafing, Uncle Vova." "Come on, dear, let's fly." "If there had been a sea here, why are there no shells?" "Do you still have seas on Earth?" "We have seas, and we have rivers." "And we have decent people too, Mister Uef." "Savages!" "I feel like crying." "Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "Mama, mama, how am I to live?" "I have no warm coat," "I have no warm underwear." "Koo!" "Too bad my bosses can't see me now." "They would've given me a raise." "Quiet, Uncle Vova." "She's looking at us." "Koo?" "Koo?" "Koo!" "They took the woman out and put a machine in." "Take as much as we can afford." "We'll fly a part of the way at least." "The luts is not sold by parts." "The luts costs 10 chatls a charge." "And we got only 7." "Koo?" "How far is it to the center from here?" "160 kilometers." "Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatls." "In his right galosh." "Hey, chatlian!" "What?" "Come on, take your right felt boot off." "Why?" "Come on, koo, koo." "Ku!" "Koo?" "Ku, you pest!" "Sit down!" "Why?" "They're not etsilopps." "It's Pezhe with his patsak." "You don't sit down - you get an etsikh with nails for life." "And who is he?" "There, did you see it?" "It's holography, my dear!" "The violin!" "Cool it!" "Freeze!" "Quiet!" "And you said koo." "It's not a dirigible, blockhead." "It's the last breath of Mr. Pezhe." "Bullshit." "One man couldn't breathe out so much air before his death." "It's absurd." "Don't you fear the wrath of heavens?" "!" "Pezhe is alive, and I'm happy." "And I'm even happier." "Koo." "Koo." "This way." "Come on, get in." " Plastic?" " No." "Don't they have a decent entrance to this supermarket?" "You have to pay chatls for a decent entrance, my dear." "Koo." "Koo!" "Koo." " Let's go." " Get away!" "Ku." "Violinist, patsaks ride in there." " Koo." " Koo." "What are they doing?" "It's Mr. Pezhe's fourth pump." "I love Pezhe so much!" "And I koo him even more!" "Koo!" "Koo!" "Here they make water out of luts." "Koo!" "Koo!" " What are they yelling?" " They're selling." " What are they selling?" " Everything." "Let's take a gravitsappa." "Gravitsappas are in another section." "First we must know the tentura of Earth." "Yellow pants, two koos." "Koo, koo." "Koo!" "Koo!" "Think the orbit's diameter of your planet." "I don't remember." "You think, violinist." "No, we don't need the violinist." "You think." "All right." "Think the specific gravity of your planet's core." "The specific gravity?" "No, I don't remember." "All right, I see." "Think the names of the planets you know in your galaxy." "Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus." "There was the crystal of introduction!" "Where's the crystal of introduction?" "Violinist, put it back!" "I thought it was nothing." "Just a piece of glass." "You damn fool." "Enough of gritting your brains, you dolt." "There's your planet, 013 in the tentura, to the left of Big Bear." "If you want to talk, pay another chatl." " Pardon?" " Think your phone number, koo." "And say about matches into it." "Koo." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Talk into here." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Who is it?" "Hello?" "Talk." "The time's ticking." "Hello?" "Lyusia, can you hear me?" "It's me!" "Vova, where are you?" "!" "I'm here." "How are you?" "How is Kirill?" "Where are you, Vova?" "I'm here, it's some place." "I'll explain to you later." "How's mother feeling?" "Did you visit her?" "I did." "But where are you?" "Listen, you patsak girl." "Stop this bullshit." "Go and buy 2 crates of ketse, or we'll find him another..." "Go away!" "Lyusia!" "Lyusia!" "Lyusia, my dear!" "Lyusia..." "Lyusia, take the phone, call Manokhin and tell him that the keys from the bathroom equipment are in my wagon, on the floor under the locker." " Did you understand everything?" " Yes, I understood everything." "Connect me, please, to Batumi, 3-47-57." "tell them to get Alik." "No." "Lay off, you thief." "Koo." "Koo." "Something wrong?" "Nothing wrong." "Only Earth is far away." "We have to warm up for 7 minutes instead of 5." "So let's go and prepare the tsappa for the gravitsappa." "Astronauts, which one is the tsappa?" "The rusty nut over there, my dear." "You got everything rusty here." "That one is the rustiest." "Are you absolute nuts?" "!" "Oh-oh-oh, oh boy, Lyusia and Manokhin shifted in space." "What do you know!" "Uncle Vova!" "The match is in the cap!" "It's strange." "Why did they fly?" "They got the match to buy a gravitsappa, and they know Earth's tentura." "Comrade etsilopp!" "Comrade etsilopp!" "They've stolen our things!" "Catch them!" "Koo!" "Catch them!" "40 chatls." "No chatls." "Our guide got everything." "And the violin is not theirs!" "They didn't koo'd before the video Pezhe." "Why are you staring?" "Why are you staring?" "I'll report to your bosses that you knew and took no action." "They'll tranklucate you to hell!" "I did take action, I pressed the kappa right away." "The violinist is my witness." "To all posts!" "Bring the pigsty with wheels here." "Koo." "There's nothing in there." "Open it." "Show him." "It's vinegar." "None of your business." "I'll tranklucate the patsak, the chatlian will get an etsikh with nails for life." "Brothers, brothers, my dear patsaks, tell the truth, how I did sit-downs, how this chatlian pressed the kappa." "Shut up." "Uncle Vova!" " Parasite!" " Shut up yourself!" "Vova, my friend!" "Gedevan Alexandrovich, genatsvale!" "Tell that it was him." " No!" " He didn't sit down." " I'll give you the pepelats." " Uncle Vova, the pepelats is mine!" "Cool it, cool it." "Just a second." "No one cursed anyone." "Everybody did sit-downs like monkeys." "I made a mistake." "And it was me who brought the ketse." "What ketse?" "The match you took out of the cap." "There was no match, no match." "Uncle Vova, what are you saying, my dear?" "Sorry, I forgot." "There was no match." "No match." "Both get an etsikh without nails for life, until they pay up." "The pay-up is 500 chatls, 250 apiece." "Thank you!" "Patsak, glue up the violin and sing songs, violinist!" "Guys, it was a joke about the match, we just wanted to please you!" "¶ On the river, on the river, On a steep river bank" "¶ Koo Marusya with white..." "Hello, Earthman!" "I'm sure one day you'll fly to this planet, too." "Greetings to you from Vladimir Nikolayevich Mashkov, a builder from Moscow, and Gedevan Aleksidze from Batumi, the first men to set their feet on those lousy sands." "at the backyard of Universe." "Brother patsak, throw in more of your ruberoid, you got only water there." "Tell him to give me something else." "Who knows, maybe at that time somebody who knew me would be still alive." "Tell them that I didn't steal the violin." "Look, it's as good as new." "There's one more piece." "It happens." "Sometimes." "Lots of calories?" "Earthmen, who presses like that?" "I had a hard time finding you." "Good thing there's memory." "Here's your sock." "Thanks." "If you want, I can move you over to Earth." "I now know your number in the tentura." "But hurry up, because one second here equals a half-year there." "All right, we press it to Earth now, get the matches, come back and trade them for our guys." " We go to Moscow, you go home." " I can't." "There're only 3 charges." "Good." "Just enough for going there, here and back." "And what about me?" " Listen, friend..." " Koo." " Koo!" " Koo!" "Koo." "Make your mind, yes or no?" "To the count of 3." "One." " Wait." " Two." "Put yourself in my place." "They're sitting there because of me." "And my little son has got that big a beard now." "Two and a half." "Two and a half!" "No, I can't do it this way." "Three." "Who needs all that?" "!" "Tsaks, tsaraks - it's all garbage!" "Where did you get this?" "It lay idle on a shelf at the planetarium." "Violinist, my dear kleptomaniac, you filched a gravitsappa." "Patsaks." "Patsaks!" "Why are you performing here standing?" "You can do it standing only over there." "The etsilopp didn't let us there." "Here you may do it only on your knees." "Never mind, we're fine like this..." "Pay up." "All right." "Come on, behave yourself." "Koo." "Uncle Vova." "Your coat, matches, my hat..." "Hi!" "How you doing?" "What's new on Plyuk?" "Sing." "I'm not in good voice today." "Sing." "Koo!" "Koo!" "Vladimir Nikolayevich, I can't go on anymore." "Stay cool, violinist." " How much is this?" " One hundred." "We seem to have sung right." " And this?" " 50." "All right..." "An etsilopp." "Koo." "Patsaks, why aren't you with muzzles?" "Turn around." "Mister Pezhe has ordered all patsaks to wear muzzles." "And rejoice." "All right, this is for me." "And this is for you." "And this is for you." "Why aren't you rejoicing?" "I'm talking to you!" "Come on, raise your tranklucator, chatlian." " Put it on." " Yes, sir." "And rejoice." "I'm rejoicing!" "Oh, look, Pezhe is here!" "Where?" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Open your mouth." "Wider." "Violinist, the gag." "Hurry!" "Turn around!" "Your nose!" "Give us the money." "Here, hold it like this." "Take it off, too." "If you just think that this junk is not a tranklucator, it's going to be the last thought in your chatlian head." "Take the shortest route to the etsikh now!" "All lie down for half an hour!" " Straight ahead!" " Straight ahead!" "Move it!" " Koo!" " Excuse me, granny." "She's Pezhe's mother." "Pezhe's mother!" "Pezhe's mother." "Koo." "Koo." "A video?" "Himself." "Everybody into the trough!" "Move it!" "Open the door." "And stay there for 24 hours!" "Do you koo or not koo?" "Koo." "Here." "Koo!" " Koo." " Koo!" " Which number?" " The last one." "Koo!" "Hello." "Hey, chatlan, sing!" "Cut it out, violinist." "Roll out the last but one." " Ku!" " Vanish!" "Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich." "Gomardzhoba." "Get out." " We can't." " They'll catch us." "Wait." "We got a gravitsappa." "Koo, Uncle Vova!" "Koo, koo." "Cut it." "Here." "Koo!" "Push it!" "Uncle Vova, help me to roll the etsikh out!" "Forget it!" "Vladimir Nikolayevich!" "Mankind's worked for thousands of years for the sake of a pebble from the Moon, and here we have a live ET and an etsikh made of unknown metal!" "Forget it, I said!" "Koo." "Koo." "Koo." "Koo." "Koo." " The tsappa." " Yes, the tsappa." "The tsappa!" " Press the tsappa!" " I did!" "Koo!" " Are we flying?" " We're starting it up." "Hurry up, they may come to any minute!" "Don't be in the way." "We've landed." "Landed where?" "Khanud!" "What Khanud?" " The planet I was born on." " Me too." " It's nighttime." " It's always nighttime here now." " Put this on." " What for?" "There's no bloody air here." "How can you live here?" "No one lives here anymore." "The Plyukans tranklucated us while we were on tour." " For what?" " For not tranklucating them sooner." "And them, what for?" "For looming overhead." " So everyone had died?" " Sure." "Vova, I have a suggestion." "The planet Khanud costs just kopecks now." "63 chatls." "A month of singing "mama" around the galaxy, and the planet's in our pocket." "Another month, and we can buy the air." "93 chatls." "Everybody with no air will pour down here." "The air is ours!" "They'll be crawling on all fours and we'll just spit on them." " What for?" " Just to enjoy it." "Is it something to enjoy?" "You're too young yet." "Half the planet is yours, the other half is ours, all right?" "It's tempting, of course." "But we need to go to Earth." "Let's hurry, in half an hour our supermarket will close." "Don't be so jumpy, Vova." "Look here." "We're here." "Earth is here." "And this is Alpha." "On Alpha they make cactuses out of us." "Earth is in the anti-tentura, my dear." "And we have no way of reaching it, understand?" " How come?" " That's so." "I've been unlucky all my life." "The pepelats just can't get to Earth." "So enough of blathering, all right?" "Let's go and divide the planet." "Did you learn about it at the planetarium?" "Yes, my dear." "And that's why you stole the match?" " Sure." " They're lying, Uncle Vova!" "Don't believe them." "Come on, take us to Earth." "That's it!" "No, Gedevan, they're not lying." "For those matches they'd crawl on all fours over the entire universe." "Don't you joke with that, Vova." "There is only 2% oxygen norm here." "Gedevan..." "Don't do it." "You're young, you must live." "Something might change yet." "No one needs the violinist, Uncle Vova." "Hey, patsak!" "You're going to kick the bucket anyway." "Tell the truth just once in your life." "Why didn't you shift in space with that goat while you could?" "What did you want?" "Crimson pants?" "Pezhe's pool?" "Tell me, what?" "Gedevaniko, sonny." "You tell me." "You can tell me, I'm like you." "My mother was Georgian." "Sadauri." "Akhauri." "He says his mother was a local Georgian." "Uef!" "Do as you like, but I'm going to koo them to Alpha." "Ku!" "And you, stinking chatlian, put on the tsak and sit down when you're talking to a patsak!" "Khanud is a patsak planet, my dear." "Koo." "Repeat it again." "You catapult us to Alpha, while you try to slow down in its orbit." " The hell you can slow down there." " Don't interrupt." "Go on, my dear." "On Alpha, when they shift us to Earth, we are to press the shifting machine with a finger, so that we keep it with us." "On Earth we are to buy for you four crates of matches." "Go on, my dear." "For how long do we have to sing the same song?" "Let's fly." "Because of you I'll have to sit in a pot forever!" "You, too, could open your mouth for a change." "Guys, my dear, wonderful guys, either we fly, or at least close the door." "I can't bear the sight of you anymore." "I feel sick as it is." "Bye, my dear." " Koo!" " Koo." " Koo?" " Koo!" "We're flying." "Put on brakes!" "Put on brakes!" "Put on brakes!" "How can I put on brakes when you've drunk all the brake fluid, you alkie!" "He'll get poisoned." " Turn off your horns." " They don't turn off." " Then take them off." " They're going to break." "It looks like we've landed." "It felt the same last time." "All right..." "Put on the gas mask." " And the tsak?" " They'll do without." "The Earth!" "On the river, on the river," "On the river ba..." "No." "It's not the Earth." "Hello." "We're patsaks from the planet Earth." "And who are you?" "This is the planet Alpha." "Give your coordinates to Decont, she will shift you." "Goodbye." "Will you please tell me the number of your planet?" "013 in the tentura." "It's here, somewhere close." " Here." " Left of Big Bear." "We don't need that." "Please, hold each other's hands." "Miss, where will those two go..." "To the little branch of the greenhouse." "Please, hold each other's hands." "Do you really make cactuses out of people?" " Only out of Plyukans." " Ours are Khanudans, not Plyukans." "Makes no difference." "Please, put on respirators." " Why?" "You got good air." " That's why." " Just look at her!" " Put it on, Gedevan." "I'm asking you on behalf of my planet." "Please, let them go." "Who has the authority to decide that?" "Abradoks, but..." "Then take us to him." "Take us, or I'll take the gas mask off and breathe out a lot of air here." "You don't have to worry." "Our greenhouses have excellent conditions." "Blossoming, microclimate, peace." "One might only envy them." "Then why, my dear, do you run here in the grass and not sit in a pot there?" "Please, look under your feet, you've already trampled three shoots." "Friend." "We're asking for a favor." "You may as well not continue." "No." "Our proximity to the Kin-dza-dza galaxy is our misfortune." "They're consumed with passions." "Corrupt passions." "To continue living as a vegetable is good for them." "As for everybody else." "Why not ask them?" "They know better what's good for them and what's not." "If we gave them the right to decide anything..." "Are you the smartest ones here, girl?" "Did someone tell you that, or you decided so on your own?" "Let's not waste time." "You're creatures from the antitentura." "Therefore, I have to shift you to the point of your departure or send you back in time to the moment when you yourselves can decide your destiny." "Make your choice." "I beg your pardon, to what time?" "To your past on Plyuk." "Let's do it like this: one goes to Earth, the other to the past." "Vladimir Nikolayevich." "I'm not letting you go alone to Plyuk." "Look, man, press the time." "Was I gluing the violin for about 50 minutes?" "Right, 50." "Listen, brother, the patsak with a sock is going to come now." "Tell him to follow us to the etsikh." " You know where the etsikh is?" " Sure thing!" " Show him the way." " He must give me something else." "Everybody rest for half an hour!" "Thanks, dears." "Koo." "Play your games, men." "Koo!" " Koo!" " Koo." "Violinist, time!" "You haven't shifted back again, you pests." " Yeah, not again." "Get out." " Like hell we will!" "We're better off here than on Alpha." "Pull them out." "The shifting machine will be here soon." "You owe us 11,000 matchboxes, the violinist has it all written down." "11,020." "I have a suggestion, Vova." "You and I shift to the supermarket." "Then, after we buy everything..." "There'll be no then." "We fly only as far as Earth." "For good?" "For good." "Me going to the planet where they don't know who should sit down before whom?" "Give me the gravitsappa and do as you like." "Uncle Uef, Uncle Bi, they'll give you such a welcome!" "No, genatsvale, the society that has no color differentiation of pants, has no goal, and if there's no goal..." "Enough philosophizing, he may appear any minute." "Let's make a decision." "You go with us or what?" "Give me the gravitsappa!" "Give it to him." "We shouldn't have." "Well?" "Let's say goodbyes." "I sort of got used to you." "Me too." "Well, take care." "Friends!" "Patsaks." "Here's your sock, thanks." "If you want..." "Friend, what kind of system you got?" "May I take a look?" "It's a regular system." "You press the button and you're home." "Koo!" "Hi." "Hi." "What's new?" "Manokhin got pipes burst on his site." "That's what she's like, an Odessa girl, a delicate, lively Odessa girl." "She dances and sings," "The kisses she brings To those who with merriment rings!" "Daddy, daddy, what are we to do When the freezing cold comes?" "Yes, yes, you have no warm kerchief, You have no winter coat!" " How's our exemplary student?" " Our student went for a walk." "Vova, go buy bread." "I forgot to." "Yes, and buy some macaroni, too." "Comrade, which way is Old Arbat?" " Over there, to the right." " Thank you." " Koo!" " Koo!" "Violinist?" "Uncle Vova!" "Violinist..." "Uncle Vova..." "¶ Mama, mama, what am I to do..." "Synced and corrected for BD by Quigly @ KG (07.2016)" "The End"