"MAN: # If their love's on skids treat your folks like kids #" "# Or your family tree's gonna snap #" "WOMAN: # So to make 'em dig first ya gotta rig #" "TOGETHER: # What do ya gotta rig #" "# The parent trap #" "WOMAN: # If they lose that zing and they just won't swing #" "# Then the problem falls in your lap #" "MAN: # When your folks are square then you must prepare #" " # What do you gotta prepare # - # The parent trap #" "[Both Yawning]" "TOGETHER:" "# To set the bait recreate the date #" "# The first time Cupid shot 'em #" "# Get 'em under the moon play their favorite tune #" "John." "Marcia." "# You got 'em #" "MAN: # Lead 'em back to love with a velvet glove #" "WOMAN: # 'Cause they're much too old for the strap #" "TOGETHER: # Straighten up their mess with togetherness #" "# Togetherness The parent trap #" "John, they're playing our song." "Marcia, what fools we've been." "# Straighten out their mess with togetherness #" "# Togetherness #" "# Straighten out their mess with togetherness #" "# Togetherness #" "# The parent trap #" "[Girls Chattering, Clamoring Loudly]" "WOMAN:" "Now, now there, girls, Now, now,..." "'A'to 'K's'over here, 'A'to 'K's'over..." "No, dear, you're an 'R'." "Over there with the 'P' to 'S's.'" "That's a good girl." "Now, have we any 'X, Y, Z's' here?" " Where are the 'X, Y, Z's'?" " Now here are your allergy pills." "Your grandmother said to remind you one three times a day." "And your insect repellant." "And your poetry book." " Thank you, Staimes." " Have a good summer, miss." "[Chattering, Clamoring Continues]" " Name?" " McKendrick, Sharon." " 18 Belgrave Square, Boston?" " Yes." "And my grandmother said to see that my tent was properly ventilated." "Don't worry, McKendrick." "You'll be ventilated." "Next girl." "No candy wrappers." "No chewing gum wrappers lying on the ground." "Always tidy." "Latrines over there." "Mess hall up the hill." "McKendrick, you're in here, Arapahoe." "Follow me." "Girls, wait here for me." "Come, McKendrick." "New arrival, girls." "Name's McKendrick." " Hi." " Hello." "Girls here'll brief you on anything you need to know." "I'm sure you'll be very happy here." "See you after lunch." "My name is Betsy." "This is Ursula." "How do you do?" "[Clears Throat]" "I'm Sharon McKendrick." " ## [Bugle Playing Reveille] - [Girls Shouting]" "Say, you're in a good tent." "Betsy's mother sends her all kinds of candy bars and chocolates every week." " I'm not allowed to eat candy." " Why not?" "My grandmother thinks it ruins my teeth." "Oh, hi, Mary Sue." "Well, come on, let's go." "I'm starved." "Oh, yeah, just as long as there are three places." "Oh, is that..." "Oh." "The nerve of her, coming here with your face." "What are you gonna do about it?" "Do?" "What in heaven's name can I do, silly?" "I'd bite off her nose, then she wouldn't look like you." " Who's she?" " [Bell Ringing]" "I never saw her before in my life." "Now at this time I want to say welcome to all our new arrivals." "Welcome to Camp Inch, new arrivals." "I am your supreme commander here." "And my name is..." "Miss Inch." " Uh, yes, Miss Inch." " [Girls Chuckle Softly]" "I'd like at this time to introduce a visitor from the next hilltop over." "From the Thunderhead Boys Camp." "Chief Eaglewood." "Welcome." "Thank you, Miss Inch." "And hello there, out there to all of you." "Uh, looks like a crackerjack troop of girls there." "Now, why am I here?" "Well, that's our little surprise." "Trooper Stafford, attention." "Stand up, boy." " Ohh, what a dream." " [Girls Giggling]" "A little surprise for you, young ladies." "Saturday night we're going to have a dance." "[Girls Screaming]" "Now, quiet, girls, quiet." "And we've asked the Thunderhead Boys Camp to come over for the occasion." "Camp Thunderhead accepts your invitation and thanks you." " [Girls Screaming, Cheering] - [Bell Ringing]" "A word of warning." "Watch your demerits." "Untidy little girls won't go to the dance." "So keep those tents clean, your uniforms spanking fresh and we'll all be one big happy family." "[Sighs]" "[Chattering]" " [Laughing]" " With that toad?" "Oh, no." "What are you staring at?" "Excuse me, but haven't you noticed?" "We look like each other." "Hey, wait a minute." "Turn your head." "Let me see that profile." "That's who it is, Look at that profile, She's the spittin' image of you-know-who." "Who?" " Frankenstein." " [Laughing]" "Not wanted." "[Screaming]" "[Gasping]" "## [Reveille]" "[Girls Chattering]" " [Screams] - [High-Pitched Scream]" "[Screams] Those monsters." "They gopher-trapped us." "[High-Pitched Screams]" " Morning, Miss Inch." " Morning, Miss Grunecker." " Where would you like to start?" " Well..." "Why not start with tent Arapahoe?" "I'm sure you'll find everything shipshape." " [Gasps] - [Screams]" "WOMAN ON RECORD:" "# Think of all that we could share #" "# Let's get together every day #" "# Every way and everywhere #" "# And though we haven't got a lot #" "# We could be sharin' all we've got #" "# Together #" " # Oh, I really think you're swell #" " What if we got some ants," " # We really ring the bell # - and when she comes by the window... we dump 'em down her dress?" "Impractical." "Where're you gonna find ants at night, stupid?" "Ooh, the three of them." "I'm so mad I could just spit." "# Let's get together Yea, yea, yea #" "# Two is twice as nice as one #" "# Let's get together right away #" "# We'll be havin' twice the fun #" " # And you can always count on me #" " Hey, I got an idea." " # A twosome we will be #" " Come on." "# Let's get together Yea, yea, yea #" "[Chattering]" " How do you like camp?" " Oh, it's okay, I guess." "I'm not coming back to this one, though." "They're so juvenile." "They won't let you wear lipstick or perfume." "I feel absolutely naked without my lipstick." "Oh." "[Clears Throat]" "Where you from?" "Um, Monterey, California." "That's great." "Oh, you'd love California, at least I do." "It's so sort of..." "I don't know... marvelous, actually." "[Clears Throat] Sounds great." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, it's absolute fun living in California." "Every year when I get home from camp, Dad takes me on a trek into the mountains." " Gee, that's great." " Mm-hmm." "Your mother just lets you go up in the mountains like that?" "Oh, I don't have a mother, just Dad and me." "He's wonderful." "Besides, I know almost everything... about trails and camping and woodlore." "We have a ball, just Daddy and me and Hecky." " Ooh, it's hot out here." " Who's Hecky?" "Our ranch foreman." "He tells sensational stories." "He used to be a rodeo rider actually." " ## [Starts]" " Oh, they've started the music again." " I guess we oughta, huh?" " Mm-hmm." "I love dancing." "I could just dance all night," " especially with you, Wilfred." " [Clears Throat]" "[Chattering]" "[Gasps]" "[People Laughing]" "Your dress is ruined." "Where were you?" "Where could she have done it?" "Oh, I don't know." "I wasn't anywhere." "I just went out..." "[Chuckling]" "Serves ya right." "Stay out of our tent from now on." " You vicious, little wretch." " [Gasps]" " Stop it." "Stop it." " Let her go." "Sharon, let go of her." "Get away." " [Girls Screaming]" " Stop that." "Stop that, ladies, please." "Girls..." "Stop it." "Girls." "Stop." "Stop." "Stop." "Misses, stop." " [Girls Screaming] - [Gasps]" "[Stammering]" "[Shouts]" "I've got a cake in my hands." "Now stop it, children." "[Screams, Groans]" "You little wretches." "[Girls Continue Screaming]" "Congratulations." "In the history of our camp, that was the most infamous, the most revolting, the most disgusting..." "display of hooliganism we have ever had." "Brawling like hooligans in front of our guests." "And worst of all, two sisters who should be setting a good example." "We're not sisters." "I've never seen her before in my life." "They are, aren't they?" "No, ma'am, just look-alikes." "An amazing resemblance." "I gather that you two girls don't get along together?" "Hmm." "Well, have you ever heard of Gilbert and Sullivan?" "Yes, ma'am." "They were composers." "They wrote a memorable song called..." ""Let the Punishment Fit the Crime."" ""Let the Punishment Fit the Crime."" "[Girls Chattering]" "Sharon McKendrick, we are waiting." "All right, girls, follow me." "## [Girls Whistling 'Bridge On The River Kwai']" "##" "##" "##" "Now, girls, that's enough of this nonsense." "Go back to your activities." " [Girls Shouting]" " All right, young ladies." "In here." "Yes." "Yes." "All right." "Four weeks left at camp and you'll spend them all together, room together, eat together, play together." "Either you'll find a way to live with each other... or you'll punish yourselves far better than I ever could." "Good-bye, girls." "[Girls Chattering, Laughing]" "It drives her crazy." "I completely ignore her." " Give it to her good." " The old coventry treatment." "Pretty soon the silence will drive her absolutely out of her mind." "[Girls Giggling]" "[Thunderclap]" "[Wind Gusting]" " Oh." "Oh, my gosh." " Oh, my goodness." "Hurry, quick." "I've got it." "Hook it." "Tie that down over there, tight." " Thanks." " You're welcome." "Oh, gosh." "Look at this mess." " Are any of them spoiled?" " Well, it didn't do 'em any good." "Oh, dirty darn, look at this one." "Just ruined." "Oh, that's a shame." "Who is he?" "Are you kidding?" "Ricky Nelson?" "Oh." "Your boyfriend." "[Gags] I wish he was." "You mean you never heard of him?" "Where do you come from, outer space?" "No." "I'm from Boston." "[Snootily] Oh..." "Boston." " Where's your home?" " California." "Oh, I've seen movies of California." "Is it a nice place to live?" "Sensational." "We got a ranch out in Carmel." "I got a picture." "You wanna see it?" "There." "That's the house." "Then the stables go off down there." " How lovely." " Oh, I got my own horse and everything." "We got a lake." "You know, you could practically fall right out of the front door and go swimming anytime you want." "Who's this?" "That's my dad." "Isn't he dreamy?" "SHARON:" "He's very handsome." " Is it cold in here?" " I'm hot." "Want a Fig Newton?" "What's your pop like?" "I mean, is he a friend you could talk to or one of those busy types?" "Well, I don't have a father actually." "Mummy and Daddy separated years ago." "She never mentions him now." "You know, it's scary the way nobody stays together anymore these days." "Pretty soon there's gonna be more divorces than marriages." "Isn't it the truth?" " How old are you?" " Thirteen." "So am I. I can't wait till I'm 18... and get my own car and stay out dancing till midnight." "I'll be 14 November 12." "No kiddin'?" "That's my birthday too." "Isn't that peculiar?" "November 12?" "Mm-hmm." "Funny, isn't it?" "Uh-oh, this one's full." "Hey, what do ya know, it's stopped raining." "[Birds Twittering]" "What is your mother like?" " I can't remember her." " Did she die?" "Nope." "Busted up with Dad when I was young." "But she was fabulous." "Absolutely fabulous." "How do you know?" "There used to be a picture of her on Daddy's desk." "But once he caught me looking at it, and it's never been around since." "Hey, you wanna come to the commissary and get a popsicle with me?" "Can you only think about your stomach at a time like this?" "At a time like what?" "Don't you feel it?" "Don't you know what's happening?" "Don't you find it peculiar that we both look so much alike and have the same birthday?" " It's just one of those things, isn't it?" " Will you come inside a minute... please?" "Mother always says I'm psychic, you know, that I can sense things when something odd is going to happen." "I always get goose bumps." "Look." "So what?" "I don't understand." "What are you doing with her picture?" "It's my mother." "But it's my mother too." "## [Reveille]" "[Girls Chattering]" "Uh..." "lunch." "You go." "I'm not hungry." "I hope we have chicken tonight because I really like that," "[Crying]" "[Gasps]" "I didn't know what to say." "I know." "I didn't either." "Golly, sisters." "You know what probably happened." "They must've quarrelled and parted... and just sort of... bisected us, each taking one of us." "Why do you suppose they separated?" "I don't know." "I can't imagine anyone not loving Mother." "She's absolutely divine." "Well, what about Dad?" "He's a sensational person." "I mean, as a friend and all." "The thing is... that neither of them got married again." "You see what that means?" " Not really." " Secretly, in their innermost hearts, they must still be in love with each other." "Then why have they stayed separated all these years?" "Because that's how true love creates its beautiful agony." "All splendid lovers have just dreadful times." "Uh..." "Peleus and Melisande, Daphnis and Chloe." "History's just jammed with stories of lovers parted by some silly thing." "Uh-oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh, my goodness." "Oh, boy." "Oh, my gosh." "Oh..." " Uh..." " What's the matter?" "You wanna meet Father and I'm just dying to know Mother." "Well, what if..." "Oh, my gosh." "It just seems so scary that we might be able to pull it off." "Pull what off?" " Switch places." " Switch?" "We could do it." "We're twins, aren't we?" "Oh, I want to know Mother." "Look, now I'm getting goose bumps." "Me too." "You know something, there's more to it than just switching places." " I believe fate brought us together." " How so?" "If we switched, sooner or later they'd have to unswitch us." "Mother would have to bring me to California to unmix us." " And they'd have to meet again." " Face to face." " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" " Exactly." "Let's get to work." " Hmm?" " It's amazing." "Now, I think you should wear this one when you go to meet Dad." "Oh, this is gorgeous." "Oh, I'm going to wear this one when I go to Boston." "Oh, I adore it." "Now, Susan, will you pay attention." "Now the music room and the library are on the first floor." "Now your room is the second door on the second floor on the left." "all right?" "Now, the horse's name is Schotzli and the dog is Andromeda." "Verbena collects the dirty laundry every Monday." " [Girls Chattering]" " Sharon, will you pay attention." "Now, except for the dirty socks, those are Thursday." "Oh, yeah." "My favorite food is chili beans." "Oh, and you gotta chew gum 'cause I always chews gum." "Um, flat 'A's', you must remember all your 'A's' are flat." "Uh, talk fast, you know, 'cause everybody talks fast." "And..." "But I never bite my nails." "Sharon, ya gotta." "I always chew mine." "Anyhow, Dad'll know." "Go on, bite 'em," "Can't." "Shan't." "Aunt." "Hmm?" "No, no."Ca-un't." "Sha-un't." "Au-unt."" ""Ca-un't." "Sha-un't." "Au-unt."" " Ooh, I can't wait till camp is over." " "Ca-un't" wait." "Okay, I "ca-un't" wait." "[Girls Saying Good-bye]" " But Daddy, he doesn't smell at all." " You're not gonna take it home, and that's it." "Oh, Daddy, you're so mean." "He's so cute." "She's not gonna take it home." "Ah, you big meany." "I spent so much time to get him." "Ahh, baby." "[Chattering]" "It's got to be done methodically." "Remember the key:" "recollection and memory." "Get her talking about how her and Daddy first met." "And their first date." " Find out about that first date." " MISS INCH:" "Sharon." " That's you now." " Oh, yes, coming." "Now, look, the most important thing:" "you must bring Mother to California." "Boston is no place to rekindle a romance." "MISS INCH:" "Sharon McKendrick." "Good-bye, girls." "Good-bye." "Sharon McKendrick." "Your chauffeur's waiting for you, dear, Now hurry," "The punishment was harsh, I know, putting you two girls together, but you've survived it, and I hope you've both learned something from the experience." "Oh, boy, you'd be surprised, Miss Inch." "[Chuckles]" "Yes." "Well, good-bye, Sharon." "See you next summer." "Good-bye, Miss Inch." "Oh, uh..." "I 'ca-un't' tell you how very much I've enjoyed my stay." "I 'sha-un't' tell my au-unt about the 'au-unts' uh, ants, nor the debutantes, shall I?" "[Chuckles] Bye." " What did you do to your hair?" " Oh, I cut it." "It was too hot long." "You wait till your grandmother sees what you've done." "[Car Door Closes]" "Miss Lockness, Betina, upstairs, third door to the left." "Oh, what's her name?" "Miss..." "[Car Door Closes]" "[Sighs] Oh, well here goes nothin'." "What?" "WOMAN:" "For the white wine and with the meat." "Do we have any more of... [Muttering]" "I think we better have cloakroom tickets for the ladies' wraps as well." "Oh, Rosa, I want all the gilt chairs in the music room, and do see that they're well dusted." "MAID:" "Mrs, McKendrick, you asked me to remind you..." "Oh, yes, yes, yes," "And do see that the maids keep absolutely quiet during the music." "And if they must empty the ash trays, tell them. to do it without clinking." "I'll see to it." "And I want those Steinways at the north end of the music room." " Have you checked about delivery?" " I'll see about it right now." " Now, I'll tell you what." " Well, you're home from camp, are you?" "Hello, Miss Lockness." "Did you bring home all your underwear and personal things?" "Yes, it's in my luggage." "Staimes has it." "It's probably full of germs." " What have you done to your hair?" " Do you like it?" "Wait till your grandmother sees what you've done." "Who is that I hear out there?" "Is that my little girl?" "The tall, gangly thing?" " Hi, Grandfather." " Hello, sweetheart." "Oh, my, my, my." "Oh, well, well, well." "Let me look at you." "Have you had..." "Well, what's the matter, dear?" " I'm just happy to see you." " Ah, and I'm happy to see you too." "I'll tell you, your grandpa missed you around here." "You know, it was an awful... [Stammering]" "Wait a minute." "Wait, wait." "What are you doing?" "Making a memory." " Making a memory?" " Mm-hmm." "All my life, years from now when I'm quite grown up." "I'll remember my grandfather and how he always smelled of..." "[Sniffing] tobacco and peppermint." "Smelled of tobacco and pepper..." "[Chuckling]" "Well, I'll tell you what." "I use the peppermint for my indigestion, and the tobacco... [Clears Throat] to make your grandmother mad." "[Laughing]" "Sharon." "Sharon." "Welcome home, darling,..." " Mother." " Oh, darling." "It's so good to have you home." "Let me take a look at..." "What on earth have you done to your hair?" " I cut it." " Well, that's certainly obvious." "I thought there was something different." "Well, what's done is done." "At least it'll grow again." "What's the matter, Sharon?" "Are those tears I see?" "I can't help it, Mother." " If only you knew." " Knew what?" "Why, Sharon." "When did you get back?" " Hi, Granny." " She just arrived." "Doesn't she look wonderful?" "Ye..." "My dear child, what have you done to your hair?" " She cut it." " Well, I had to because..." "If my opinion means anything in this house, which I doubt." "I like it short the way it is." " Charles, stop burbling." " I haven't burbled in years and..." "Go down to your office and read your newspaper." "See you at dinner." " Bye." " Oh, now really, Mother." "it doesn't look so bad." "It's hoydenish." "Are you a boy or a girl?" "Make up your mind." " What's that?" " Oh, it's a present I brought for you." "We made it..." "I mean, I made it." "especially for you." "Thank you, dear." "What is it?" "It's a bird cage made out of popsicle sticks." "Oh, come on upstairs with me while I finish getting dressed." "See you later." "[Chuckles]" "Did you make some nice friends at camp?" "Oh, yes, one girl in particular." " Who is she?" " Oh, just a girl." " From Boston?" " No, just a girl from someplace." "My goodness, you're beautiful." "[Exhales] Well, what's the matter?" "You're staring at me as if you'd never seen me before." "Oh, I don't know." "I'm just happy you're here and that you're you." "Well, I'm happy that you're here and you're you." "Now, be a good girl, fasten me up." " Did you miss me?" " Mm-hmm." "Did you miss me?" "[Chuckles] You'll never know." "Margaret, don't forget the Red Cross meeting in 2:30." "I'll see you at the Somerset Club after my garden club meeting." "Stand up, child." "Don't slouch." "I hope you haven't picked up bad habits at that camp of yours." "Keep your shoulders straight." "See you at the Somerset, Margaret." "Yes, Mother." "Now..." "Well, what's the frown for?" "I just got back and you've got all those meetings and things." "Well, I thought we could spend the day together and talk." "Oh, we have the whole weekend to talk." "And you know that I cannot cancel the Red Cross." "[Sighs]" "[Sighs] Well, what I have to say can wait." "Yes, dear?" "I just wanted to have a little "woman to woman" talk with you about Stafford." "Stafford?" "Who's Stafford?" "Oh, this boy I met at camp." "I just wanted your advice on something." "Yes?" "On what?" "Well, uh..." "I wanted you to tell me how long you waited before you got married." "Sharon." " Oh, Lockness." " Yes, Miss Margaret?" "Please tell my mother that I won't be able to meet her, and cancel all of my appointments" " for today." " Cancel them?" "Yes." "Something very important has come up." "Yes, Miss Margaret." "Sharon, what I'm trying to say is that the decision to marry... is something best considered after you've lived a little bit longer." "Mother, you're perfectly right." "Stafford was much too juvenile for me." "Well, thank goodness for that." "To be perfectly frank with you, the old zing just wasn't there." "Zing?" "Yes you know, the charge that shoots up your spine when you meet... the one man you wanna marry." "Like when you met Daddy." "[Sighs] What was Daddy like?" "Well..." "I don't know how we got around to him." "Is it terribly painful for you to talk about Daddy?" "No." "Why should it be?" "I don't know." "Well, I thought, maybe when you've been in love with somebody once, well, the recollection and memory might be bitter bitterly painful." "Oh, Sharon, that was many, many years ago." "Don't dramatize it." "Where did he take you on your very first date?" "He..." "He took me to dinner." "It was an Italian restaurant." "One of those down in those old basements in New York." "It was called Mar..." "Martinelli's." " Martinelli's?" " Yes." "Hmm." " You said there was music." " Uh-huh." " What song did they play?" " Song?" "Oh, there must've been a song." "You know, the old "They're playing our song" type of thing." "Oh." "Well, if there was, I wouldn't remember it." " It was much too long ago." " Oh." "# La-di-dom Ba-dee #" "# La-di-dom La-di #" "# La-di La-di-dom #" "# La-da #" "# Though time may tatter #" "# Our first sweet thrill #" "# It doesn't matter #" "# It never will #" "# La-di-dom La-di #" "# La-di-dom Ba-dom #" "# La-di La-di-dom #" "# La-da #" "[People Chattering]" "Susie." " Hi, peanut." " Hi, Dad." " Well, how was the camp?" " Fine." " No broken bones or anything?" " Mm-mm." "No." "Come on, let's get the bags, honey." " Here's my baggage check." " Oh, boy, are you still biting your nails?" "Oh, you noticed." "She told me that you..." " [Chuckles]" " What?" "Nothing." "Well, I certainly did enjoy all those nice long newsy letters, yes, sir." "Oh, that." "Well, we meant to write, but we just got so tied up with... with plans and things, you know..." " ...well we..." " Who's 'we'?" "Us." "I mean, I." "Oh, us, There was a very nice girl there." "We became quite good friends." "Oh, that's mine." "That's my... bag." "Mm-hmm." "Glad to be home, huh?" "It's wonderful." "Were you lonely while I was gone?" "I cried myself to sleep every night about the first week..." "No, no, seriously." "Well, seriously, I got to play golf every day." "I played poker at night." "I wish I could find one of these camps where they keep you all winter too." " Ho-ho." " Ho-ho." "It's good to have you home, goofy." "Uh, Susie, there's, uh... been a lot of things happening since you left." "And I think we ought to have a little quiet talk sometime." "Oh, sure." "I have some things I wanna talk over with you too." "Oh, you have, huh?" " Mm-hmm, but not now." " Okay." "Now I just wanna think about getting home and being with my father." "My very 'o-own fa-ather'." "'O-own fa-ather'?" " [Chuckles] Father." " Father." "[Horn Honking]" "Oh, Daddy, it's beautiful." "Well, it's just about the same." "You didn't think it was gonna change, did ya?" "Hecky." " MAN:" "Ho." " Look." "Ah, shoo, shoo." "What have you got there with ya, Mitch?" " Hi, Hecky." " How are you, darlin'?" "What'd you have to bring this kid back for?" "I thought we got rid of her." "Well, she was hanging around the airport, I thought I might as well get her." " [Mock Chuckle] How was camp?" " Oh, swell." "For heaven sakes, it's about time." "We've been waitin' for you all day." " Hi, Verbena." " Never mind that 'hi'talk." "You just give me a hug." "Oh." "Hello, honey." "Let me get a look at you." "Ya..." "Ya know, there..." "there's a change in you." "Just the same as I always was." "No." "No, you're not." "I..." " [Growling]" " Not quite sure what it is." " Hi, Andromeda." " [Barking]" "Stop that, Andromeda." "What's wrong with you?" "You crazy dog." "It's Susie, ya silly." "Well, it's almost as if your own dog didn't know you." "[Chuckles] Funny, isn't it?" "Uh, dogs are funny things." "Well, I guess I'll go up to my room and put some of those..." "Come on, we'll get you unpacked while you tell me about camp." "Coming." "Tell me about all the things you did at that camp, I wanna get that laundry of yours too." "Come down when you get through." "Somebody I want you to meet." "Yeah, all right. be down in a minute." "WOMAN:" "Hello, darling," "Mitch, I was wondering when you'd get back, I was beginning to get so bored sitting here." "Well, did you tell her anything about us?" " Good to be home again?" " Sure is." "Verbena, there's a woman downstairs." "Mm-hmm." "There is indeed." "Well, who is she?" "What is she doing here?" "I'm not saying a word." "I mind my own business." "Except if he wants to make a ninny of himself, that's his affair." "I don't say a word." "Well, how did she get here?" "It's none of my never mind." "I don't say a word." "Except a man like your father with a grown daughter going on 14..." "He's not what you'd call one of those "charm fellows"... with a big, teethy grin and..." "and a lot of artistic clever talk." "What does a young girl like her see in him?" "I don't know." "I'll give you a million reasons and he's got 'em right in the bank." "[Sighs] "It was always thus."" "What was always thus?" "I'm not sayin' a word." "I'm not one to talk about anybody behind their back." "But she's good." "She's awful good." "Those cool blue eyes lookin' right through you." "Calm, that one." "Go riding' together, swimming' together, out to dinner every night." "But it's none of my business, understand, That's why I'm not sayin'a word." "Not one single word." "Besides, I don't think." "you oughta talk about people..." "Hi, Susie." "We were just talking about you." "Uh, this is Miss Robinson." " How do you do?" " Hello, darling." "I've been looking forward to meeting you for just weeks now." "From the way your father talked, I expected a little girl, but you're practically a woman." "I'm nearly 14" "Say, I think I'll go and make a couple martinis." "You want one?" " Oh, I'd love one." " Uh, how about you, honey?" "You want root beer, ginger ale, something?" "Could I have a ginger ale?" "Sure." "You get acquainted." "I'll be just a minute." "Your father tells me you were at camp, dear." "Was it fun?" "Yes, it was lovely." "Thank you." "You know, ever since I met your father, it's been "Susan this" and "Susan that."" "You're obviously very good friends, and I think that's just wonderful." "I can, uh, tell you something else too if you can keep a secret." " From whom?" " From your father." "Oh, then you better not tell me." "Daddy and I don't keep secrets from one another." "We tell each other everything." "Oh, well, no, dear." "It wasn't that kind of a secret." "I just wanted to confide in you that I find him a very special." "wonderful kind of person." "Well, just between us, he's not too brilliant or clever with what he says, you know, like the "charm fellows" we all adore so." "We were riding the other day." "Your father let me ride Schotzli." "I understand she's your horse." "I hope you don't mind my riding her." "Oh, no." "Schotzli and I are used to strange women riding her." " What?" " Oh, you know Daddy." "He's always playing the field." " No, I didn't know." " Oh, yes." "Every week mostly, he has some different dame up here." "One week, I'll never forget, he had five different women up here." " You don't say." " Of course, it's none of my business... if he wants to make a ninny of himself with all those women." "That's why I'm not saying a word." "Not one single word." "Here you are." "Now, did you two get to know each other?" "Yes." "We had a lovely little talk." "[Alarm Ringing]" " [Ringing]" " Hello?" " OPERATOR:" "Miss Susan Evers?" " Yes, this is her." " OPERATOR:" "Go ahead, please." " Sue, it's Sharon." "How's everything?" "Ooh, Mother's the absolute living end." "She's gorgeous." "Just breathtaking." "I got to talk to you about their first date today." "Susan..." "Italian dinner, drippy candles, checkered tablecloth..." " Susan, will you listen?" " Ooh, I got their song." "It goes like this." " # For now, for always #" " Susan, I've got something to tell you." "# La-la, la-la, la... #" " Susan." " What?" "We're in trouble." "You'll have to bring Mother out immediately." "No." "Holy smokes, I just had one day with her." "I hardly got to know her at all." "Susan, it's an emergency." "There's a woman out here." "Her name's Vicky, and she's beautiful." "Oh, is that all?" "Don't be silly." "Dad'd never get serious." "But he's serious about this one." "He's trying to get Vicky and me... to be friends." "She's dangerous." "Well, bust it up, for heaven sakes." "Follow him wherever he goes and submarine her." "You've got to tell Mother and come out here to help." "I want some more time with her." "You've had her for 13 years, and I just got here." "Susan." "I won't." "Do the best you can and stay on Daddy's tail." "That's all." "Susan, please." "I won't give up Mother this soon and that's final." "Good-bye." "Susan." "[Sighs]" "I'm glad you could come along today, honey, because there's... something I wanna talk about." " It's kind of important." " Oh, what is it?" "Well, you know the girl you met at the house, Vicky?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, I thought that we ought to be alone a little while so we could talk." "Well, I wanted to talk to you about something too, Dad." "Oh?" "Okay, go ahead." "All those weeks at camp, I've been wondering about my mother." "You what?" "What do you wanna start wondering about something like that for?" "Well, it's a perfectly natural thing for a girl to do." "Where is she?" "Well, I don't know where she is." "How should I know?" "Last thing I heard, she went to Spain and married some drunk." "Daddy, that's not true." "Now stop it." "All right." "I lost track." "You wouldn't like her anyway, hon." "She's..." "These big staring eyes and red frizzy hair." "And besides, she was fat, really fat." "Then why did you fall in love with her?" "Well, you know, you lose your head sometimes." "Besides that..." "Wait just a minute." "Hey, Fletcher, play on through." "I'll pick you up at the bar." "Well, sit down." "[Clears Throat] Honey, you don't wanna start thinkin' about your mother all of a sudden." "There's a..." "Well, there's no need for that." "You can always come and talk to me about anything." "You always have." "Well, it's not the same." "Well, father and daughter is okay." "But when a girl gets to a certain age, that's when she really misses her mother." "Why?" "I mean, uh..." "Oh, you mean the talk about... certain things?" " Yeah." " That?" "[Inhales] I guess we never have just sat down and talked about that, have we?" "Well, this is kind of an odd place, but I guess... it's as good as any." "Um..." "Well, we might as well get it over with." "Uh..." "How..." "How much do you know now already?" "About what?" "About what you were just talking about?" " Nothing." "Absolutely nothing." " Nothing?" "Well, you never brought up the subject and I wondered why." "[Inhales, Exhales]" "Well, honey, um..." "All right, we oughta get straight on one thing first, that's little boys." "How..." "See, I know how they are because... being a man I used to be a little boy once, so I know." "I don't know what..." "Take my word for it because I used to be a little boy one time and I know." "I know about it." "Oh." "[Chuckles]" "Daddy." " You're too funny for words." " What do you mean, "funny"?" "Well, I've known about all that for simply years." "Well, what the heck were we just talking about then?" "Well, what were you talking about?" "Well, uh..." "[Sighs] I think I better go and putt out." "There's the little beast now." "Why, she's nothing but a child." "She's a conniving, vicious, little two-faced brat." "Just smile, pet." "Think of California and that wonderful community property law... and just smile." " Hi." " Hello, Mitch, darling." " Hi, Edna." " Who is this ecstatic, bright-eyed child?" " Oh, Mitch, this couldn't be..." " Sure, that's Susie." "Honey, this is Vicky's mother, Mrs. Robinson." "How do you do?" "This angelic girl?" "This is the one you call "peanut face"?" "Oh, Daddy, really." "Now, you come right over here to your Auntie Edna... and you and I are gonna get to know one another." "Come on, I wanna hear all about ya." "Down ya go." " Hi." " Did you tell her?" " [Edna Chattering Nonstop]" " Well, I started to, and..." "I don't know what happened." "Oh, Mitch, for..." "All right, just let me do it in my own way." "All right?" "Now, it's all settled," "Susan and I have decided we're all gonna have a darling lunch right here." "Edna, I'm sorry." "I don't think we can today." "I promised to spend the whole day with Susie." "We've got some stuff planned, you know?" " I'm terribly sorry." " Oh, that's all right." "Another time, dear." "[Chuckles] You're an adorable thing." "Come on, Susie, We'll get the horses, We're gonna take a ride down the beach." " Have fun." " Bye, darling." "First change I make in that household, off she goes to a boarding school in Switzerland." "Honey, listen, uh..." "I've been meaning to ask you." "What do you think of Vicky?" "Uh... in what respect?" "Well, uh... it's just an ordinary question." "No, it's not." "You ask me what I think of Vicky." "Well, what do I think of Vicky as what?" "I mean, if you ask me what did I think of her as a fashion model... or a famous aviatrix or something, then maybe I'd express some sort of opinion, but just to ask..." "[Clears Throat] All right." "Uh... what do you think of Vicky as a person?" "[Chuckles] Well, Daddy, I really couldn't say." "She's a perfect stranger to me." " Beat you back to the house." " Hey, wait a minute, Susie." "Susie." "Hey, I'm not through talkin' to you." "[Car Horn Honks]" "Hi, darling." " Hi." " Hello, sweetie." "[Sighs]" "He can't." "He just can't." "Oh, it just makes me so mad, A man of his age." "All the work and the plans." "Hi." "You used to confide in me." "Anything you wanna talk over with me?" "No." "You wouldn't like to tell me why Andromeda never comes near ya?" "[Chuckles]" "Or why suddenly your appetite's changed?" "[Chuckles] Dear Verbena, you are a mystic." "Mystic?" "I'm no mystic." "Well, asking me all these crazy questions." "Gee, I don't know what you're getting at." "You know what I'm talking about." "There..." "There's something very strange about you." "Are you sure there isn't anything you wanna tell me?" "What do you want me to tell you?" "Well, I don't know." "It's... almost as if you were..." "No, that's impossible." "Almost as if I were who, Verbena?" "Oh, forget it, honey." "Never mind." "You mean Sharon?" "Where did you hear about her?" "Oh, Verbena." "I've got to tell someone." "But you gotta swear never to tell Daddy." "Promise?" "Now, darling, try to be diplomatic." "Honey, I know how to talk to my own daughter." "She's 14 years old." "She's not exactly insensitive." "Good luck." "Susan." "Oh, hi, Dad." "Just getting back?" "Uh-huh." "Now, just a minute." "I wanna talk to you." "You didn't know what a good thing you had when you had it." "Susie." " ## [Piano]" " Now, why'd you go running off like that?" "I told you I wanted to talk to you about something." "I'm listening." " Get comfortable." " [Clears Throat]" "I am comfortable." "What do you want?" "Well, first of all, honey, about me." "Now, oh, you probably think of me as being just your father." "And to you, I probably seem ancient and old." "[Laughs] Not ancient, Daddy." "Well, certainly not." "I'm in my best years." " ## [Stops]" " Okay, don't get nervous." "Well, I'm not nervous." "## [Resumes]" "Honey, what seems old to you now isn't old when you get old." "I mean, when you get older." "That is, when you get to be my... age, it won't seem old to you all." "And then you'll probably..." "Hey, where'd you learn how to play the piano?" "## [Stops]" "Oh." "[Chuckles]" "They taught us at camp." "Gee, that's awfully good." "Five weeks..." "## ['Chopsticks']" "Could you stop now for just a minute, please?" "## [Stops]" " Yeah, sure." " Pay attention." "See, I've been wanting to have this little talk with you about..." "What would you think about our making Vicky a part of our family?" " A part of the family?" " Uh-huh." " Um..." "Oh, I think that's a wonderful idea." " You do?" "Well, I most certainly do." "I've always wanted to have a sister." "No, no, honey." "You see." "[Laughs]" "You're missing the whole point." "And how sweet of you to want to adopt Vicky." "No, baby." "I don't want to adopt her." "I wanna marry her." " Marry her?" " Mm-hmm." "Oh, Dad." "You've just got to be kidding." "[Sighs] You can't marry her." "She's just a child." "She's not a child, She's a woman, Will you please stop referring to her as a child?" "It's all relative, Dad." "Don't you see?" "Compared to her, you're an old man." " I am not an old man." " You are too." "It's absolutely revolting." "Revolting?" "It's the most revolting thing I ever heard of.." "A man of..." "I'm not even gonna discuss it with you if you don't stop shouting." "But, Dad you get..." "Just stop it." "All right." "I'm not screaming." "And we'll talk about this perfectly calmly and rationally." "Fine." "You "ca-un't" get married." "You'll ruin everything." "All the plans we made." " What are you talking about?" " The scheming and the diagrams." "And my hair." "Look at my hair." "I cut it just for you." "And my fingernails, I bit them all off just because of you." "Of all the thick-headed fathers." " Oh, for days and weeks and weeks." " Come here." "Nothing but work and boys and names and hair and [Groans]" "I don't know what's the matter with her?" "I try to talk to her and she gets hysterical." " [Sharon Yelling]" " Not even making any sense now." "Let me speak to her for a minute." "Women understand these things better." "Make yourself scarce." "Hello, darling." "He's making an absolute ninny of himself." "Oh, it came as quite a shock to you the way he told you, didn't it?" "Men put things so badly." "Can't you and I discuss this calmly and rationally together like grown-up women?" "Oh, I'm sure we can." "You're not afraid to come over here and talk to me, are you?" "I'm not afraid to talk to anybody." "You're a big girl now, Susan." "You're old enough to understand... that wonderful, delicate mystery that happens sometimes... between a man and a woman." "I know what wonderful, delicate mystery Daddy sees in you." "And I can't say I blame him there, either." "You're very nicely put together." "Your father underestimates you, I think." "I'm sure you won't, will you, Vicky?" "[Chuckles]" "Susan, dear, you've had him to yourself all this time... and I can understand that suddenly to have another woman around, well, it's a tremendous intrusion." "But all my life it seemed I've hoped and waited for someone like him." "Someone gentle and mature, rough-edged but quick to laugh, someone understanding and wise." "All the things that I've come to love and cherish in him." " Well, that's very refreshing." " Why, dear?" "Most girls just run after Daddy because he's so wealthy." "Are you inferring that I'd marry your father for his money?" "If the shoe fits, wear it." "Look, pet, I've tried to be friendly, but I'm gonna marry your father, so you get used to the idea." "You wanna bet?" "Oh, honey, don't you play with the big girls." "You'll be in way over your head." "[Walking Up The Stairs]" " OPERATOR:" "Operator." " Gimme Western Union, please." "For Sharon?" "A child of her age getting a telegram?" "Well, don't stand there, daughter." "Let her read it." "It belongs to her." "But who would possibly be sending her a telegram?" "[Groans]" "[Chuckles Nervously]" "[Clears Throat]" " [Chuckles]" " MARGARET:" "Sharon?" ""Alexander Graham 3 a.m," California." "Who could she possibly know in California?" "Uh..." "Bertha Watterbury." "This girl I met at camp." "Sensational girl." "It's a rather cryptic message." "What does it mean?" "Well, she's crazy about this boy Alexander." "And he took her on a very important date till three a.m." "I've never heard of such a thing." "A child of that age." "Oh, Louise." "GRANDFATHER:" "We're living in a modern age," "[Sighs]" " [Phone Ringing]" " SUSAN:" "Hello?" " OPERATOR:" "Miss Susan Evers?" " Yes, Speaking." " OPERATOR:" "Go ahead please." " It's me again." "I know." "Boy, did I have a time explaining your telegram. coo-coo-pig." "Grandmother went into a five-minute lecture on raising children?" "What's wrong now?" "I told you what to do." "You've got to believe me, it's an emergency." "I'm in this horrible trouble out here." " Now, don't dramatize it." " I'm not, stupid." "This time it's serious." "It's the worst thing that could happen." "You mean it's gone that far?" "At a time like this, I think Mother ought to be here." "Okay." "Tomorrow morning I'll break the bomb." "See ya soon?" "How's Mother?" " Fine." " Kiss her for me and Grandpa." "Okay, bye." "Oh." "Hi, Grandpa." "Hi..." "Susan." " Susan?" " Yeah..." "[Stammering]" "Sit down." "Sit down." "I think you and I ought to have a little chat." "Don't you?" "[Chuckles Nervously]" "Oh, and we've got the Picasso exhibition at 4:00, Margaret." "We don't wanna miss that." " Oh, no." " Are you coming, Charles?" "No, thank you." "Then we should get out in time for Mrs. Saunders' tea." " Oh, Caroline's daughter's coming." " Oh, really?" "Now, Sharon, you've got your dancing lesson at 10:30." "Then you can go straight on to the musical appreciation at the Leonardo Hall." "Oh, Staimes can drive her in your car, Charles?" "Yes, yes. [Stammering]" "Now at 3:00..." "I don't think I'll be able to do any of those today." "What did you say?" "Sharon, you interrupted your grandmother." "Well, I have something important to tell you." "Mother..." "Mother, I think what you and Daddy did to us children is lousy." " In fact, I think it stinks." " Sharon." "And let's get this straight." "I'm not Sharon, I'm Susan." "Sharon, your Sharon, is out at California with Daddy." "But it's impossible." " You can't be Susan." " But I am Susan." "Sharon and I met at camp, so we decided to switch places." "She bit off her fingernails and I cut her hair." "And now she's out at California with Dad swimming and riding my horse and having a keen time, and I'm stuck here with these lousy music lessons and I hate them." "Susan." "Oh, I'm sorry, Mother." "But I wanted to see you, and I miss not having a mother." "I love you very much, and I wondered if you could love me as me and not as Sharon, please?" "Oh, Susan." "Oh, my darling." "Why didn't you let me know?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "I couldn't help it." "I mean, I wanted to be near you and to know what it was like to have a mother and everything." "Oh, baby." "Susan, darling." "Oh, dear, let me look at..." "She's exactly..." " I know." "I can't believe it." " Oh, baby." "Louise?" " What is it?" " It's wonderful." "Oh, darling." "SUSAN:" "We talked about it at camp and decided it would be the best thing." "Louise?" " What is it?" " It's most important." "Well, what is it?" "I just thought they ought to be alone for a minute, that's all." "She's Margaret's child." "She hasn't seen her since she was one year old." "Well, I'm her grandmother." "I have a right to L-L-Louise." "For once I'm putting my foot down." "Let them alone." "I've tried, Mother." "Honestly, I have." "but I don't understand." "Darling, it doesn't mean that your father and I didn't love each other." "But sometimes even when people think a lot about each other, they sometimes just don't get on together." "So you're gonna have to switch us back again, huh?" "Well, legally, you belong to your father and Sharon belongs to me." "His and hers." "Makes me feel like a bathroom towel." "[Sighs] It's lousy, isn't it?" "But don't worry." "We'll find a way." "A six-month split." "That's how it's gonna end up." "A what?" "Oh, a lot of kids in camp have that problem too." "Six months with one parent." "Six months with the other." "[Chuckles] Like a yo-yo." "Oh, I don't like it anymore than you do, darling." "But don't worry." "I'm not gonna lose you now." " Oh, Bettina, would you put this in your case?" " Yes ma'am!" "May I come in?" "Of course, Dad." "Well, I have you and Susan on the noon plane." " That doesn't give us very much time." " Best I can do on short notice." " Well, thank you." " Traffic's pretty heavy these days." "Are you, uh..." "Are you wearing that dress on the trip, are you?" " What's wrong with it?" " Oh, it's very nice." "Very nice." "Give my best to Mitch when you see him." "I wonder what kind of a wife he has now." " Oh, who said he's married?" " Well, a vital romantic fellow like Mitch, it's a cinch he'd find himself a nice young wife." "Well, I certainly hope that she likes to sleep in the great outdoors and scale fish." "Yeah, now, no sour grapes now." "Oh, Bettina, would you see if you can find my blue skirt?" "Yes, ma'am." "You know, Margaret, I've got to hand it to you for one thing." "I've got to give you credit." "It certainly shows strength of character not to go with the new fashion trends in clothes." "All right, Dad, now what are you trying to get at?" "Oh, no, I was just saying, you know..." "I'm just saying that." "And take your hairstyle." " What's wrong with my hair?" " That's what I mean." "Women nowadays are wearing their hair a little differently." "A little fuller, maybe." "All right, Dad, are you looking for a fight?" "With my favorite daughter?" "Not on your life." "Now. now, don't get me wrong." "My goodness." "Well, you know, you are what you are." "Now, God love you, I wouldn't want to change you for the world." "Not for the world." " Who said anything about changing?" " That's what I say." "Stay the way you are." "Well, I certainly intend to." "A nice, reliable, settled, comfortable woman... who accepts the coming of age with grace and dignity." "Why, that's the most horrible thing that anybody could possibly say." "There you are, you're flying off the handle." "And all I came in here for was to kiss you good-bye and wish you good luck." "[Chuckles] Good-bye, daughter, huh." " Good-bye." " Give my regards to Mitch, huh?" "You know, come to think of it, that dress seems just perfect for you." "Hi, Mother." "I'm all packed." "What time do we go?" "On the noon plane." "We haven't got very much time." "Have you got everything we wanted for Sharon?" "Mm-hmm." "Um, how'd you like to stop over in New York for a few days?" "Oh, yeah." "Why?" "Well, I thought that we might do some shopping before we head West." "Hey, we got a nice little calf there, Mitch." "[Cows Mooing]" "What's eatin' you?" "Ya ever get that funny feeling like something's gonna happen?" "Like a storm brewin'?" "No." "Come on." "Verbena." "Verbena, we're here." "Sharon." "Verbena, we're here." "Come on, Mother." "Shall I help you with..." " Oh, darling." " Verbena." "How are you?" "Mrs. Evers." "You just look wonderful." "Here, let me take your things." " Let me take 'em inside." "Hello, darling." " Hello, Verbena." "How are you?" " Oh, I'm fine." "But we've missed you." " How's Andromeda and Schotzli?" " That's $3.25." " Thank you very much." " Thank you." " Keep the change." " Thank you." " Come on, Mother." "Can't wait to get you inside and show you how lovely everything is now." " Oh, it was just wonderful." " Oh, fine." " Mother." "Oh, I'm so glad you came." " Sharon." "Oh, darling." "Oh." "You look wonderful." "What'd you do to yourself?" " Do you like it?" " Oh, I love it." "Oh, darling." "Oh." "Finally, both of you together at last." " What do you think of each other?" " Fine." " We love each other." " Hi, Sue." " Hi, - [Laughing]" "Oh, and just look at you." "That short hair." " I cut it, Mother." " You know, I like it." "Oh, and I love yours, Mother." " Where's your father?" " Oh, he's out somewhere on a horse." "Are we in time?" " Time?" " Didn't you tell her?" "Tell me what?" " Well..." " Dad's getting married." "Well..." "When is all this taking place?" "Saturday, supposedly." "She just sort of infiltrated, Mother." "And before you knew it, Dad was hooked." "If you ask me, Mr. Evers is slipping into his second childhood." "Oh, your father is old enough to know what he's doing." "Shall we go upstairs and get unpacked?" "I'm just dying to get into a hot shower after that long plane trip." "Sue, you just won't realize what we be able to..." "[Chattering]" " Want a beer?" " Yeah, I'll be in in a minute." "You know, I don't say a word, not a single word." "But the things that Vicky woman has been up to, well, really..." "Oh, well, I..." " ## [Whistling]" " Hi, Dad." "Oh, well." "Hi." "Look who's talking to me?" " Why shouldn't I talk to you?" " Oh, come on, d..." "I can get married anytime I want to, you got that?" "Yeah." "Don't stand there and pretend you don't know what I'm talking about... after you've been walking around like a mummy for two days." "Yes, you, me, two days, nothing." " Oh." " Remember?" "Oh, yeah, you and... [Sighs]" "I guess I have been acting sort of sulky lately." "Sulky?" "Ha." "Well, that's the understatement of the year." "Sulky?" "You haven't been sulky." "You've been plain impossible." "You've been monstrous." "Now, pouting is childish." "You're much too old for that." "And not speaking to someone because you're mad at them is just plain... it's, uh..." " Feminine." " Yes, feminine." "And she's absolutely right." "And that's the worst part of being feminine too." "[Doorbell Rings]" "The doorbell's ringing." "Yeah, well." "Oh, listen, now." "That's the minister and Miss Robinson and you're to be polite to them, understand?" "Here." "Come here." " Hello." " Hello, darling." "Oh, Mitch." "Mitchell, I want you to meet Dr. Mosby." " Dr. Mosby, Mitchell Evers, the groom." " DR. MOSBY:" "How do you do?" "Oh, how beautiful." "Isn't this lovely?" "So masculine." "Mitch, it needs a woman's touch." "[Gasps] There's that angelic creature again." "VICKY:" "Hello, Susan?" "How are you today?" "Fine." "Thank you." "This is the Reverend Mosby, dear." "He's going to conduct the marriage ceremony." " How do you do?" " How do you do, my dear?" "Listen, I gotta go up and change." "Excuse me for just a minute, please." "Certainly." "Say, how'd you like to be hostess for a few minutes, hon?" "[Whispering] And be polite." "## [Whistling]" " Hi, Dad." " Hi, honey." "There's some people downstairs." "Did you know?" "Yeah, I know." "## [Whistling]" "## [Stops]" "Your grandfather sends his love." "And your grandmother does too and she's fine." "She's downstairs." "Do you wanna see her?" "Who, Vicky?" " Mm-hmm." " No, thanks." "I've seen her." "Well, I haven't." " Hey, Susie, uh..." " Did you want something, Daddy?" "No, honey, never mind." "Mother, this is my wedding." "You've had four." " Why didn't you make some drinks, Vicky?" " We were waiting for you." " That's Silly, let's have something, ha Edna?" " Anything you have." " The usual, darling." " Reverend, I don't suppose you indulge?" "Oh." "Well, uh, perhaps a little something by way of a nuptial toast." "Good." "Bourbon, double, on the rocks." " Yes, sir." " EDNA:" "Vicky." "I know this is your wedding, but think how an outdoor ceremony will look in the newspapers." "I'm inclined to agree with you, Mrs. Robinson." "You know, the Marco-Dennisons had their wedding under a striped awning tent last month it was, and the atmosphere was ideally apropos, there in God's natural setting, under the trees." "Thank you." "[Chuckles]" "Thank you." " Oh, Mitchy..." " Upsa-daisy, darling." "[All Chattering At Once]" "Upsa-daisy." "Oh, darling." "Edna, I think your idea about having the wedding outside is wonderful." "I forgot about the beautiful trees we have out there." "[Chattering]" "The procession starts from the house." "Vicky comes down the walk." "Now, Dr. Mosby and I could be right here and we could put lights out over the lake." "Please, Nothing could be more perfect." " Look at all those trees just waiting for..." " DR. MOSBY:" "Under the trees over there..." " Hurry." " Get hold of him." "Grab him." "All right, I've got him." "Mitchell, don't drown." "We're gonna be married." " Pull him up." " Gimme your hand, quick." "Mitch, darling." "[Shouting]" "Yes, I'm all right." " You're all wet, for Pete's sake." " Yes, I'm all right." " I'll be back in just a minute." " VICKY:" "No need to shout." " We were only worried,..." " That way I can get out of the Well... just, wait..." " Mitch." " Maggie." " How are you?" " Oh, fine, thanks." "How are you?" "Oh, I'm fine." "Gee, you look..." "You look..." " Look, I got a flock of people out there." " Don't start yelling." " Will you tell me what you're doing here?" " Let me explain." "MITCH:" "What in the world if she sees you?" "Will you just keep quiet a minute, I'll tell you." "Well, what are you doin' here?" "If you'll just stop screaming at her, she'll explain, Dad." "TOGETHER:" "Surprise." "That's what I was trying to tell you." "Well..." "Both of them?" "Mm-hmm." "The two of them together?" "I can't..." "Maggie how'd it happen?" "We met at camp, and then the whole thing just sort of came out." " They switched places on us." " MITCH:" "They what?" "Sue came to Boston to be with me." " You mean this is Sharon?" " MARGARET:" "Uh-huh." " I had Sharon all this time?" " Yeah." " Well..." " You're Sharon?" "I wanted to know what you were like and Susan wanted to meet Mother." "You are Sharon." "[Laughing]" "You were only a tiny little baby when I..." "You're not mad, are you, Daddy?" "No, no, sweetheart." "I just can't believe it's you." "That's all." " Oh, my gosh, the trouble I had burping you." " Oh, Daddy, really." "No, I mean it." "I spent most of my nights walking the floor up and down with you..." " two o'clock feedings," " And where was I?" "Well, it was half and half." "Oh, you used up more diapers than any ten kids." " Daddy, diapers." " Yes, diapers." "Look at you now." "Look at her." "Quite grown up." " And quite without a father." " Ah, honey..." " And I'm quite without a mother." " Shh." "Now, girls, we'll discuss this later on." "I want to talk to your father now." "Come on, Sharon." "They wanna be alone." "Oh, Sharon." "Daddy..." "Daddy, please don't marry that woman." "All right, Sharon, run along now." "Will you look at that?" "I can't believe it." "You know, the last time I saw them together they were that big, and you had 'em in that thing and you were pushing them through the park." "Oh, what a time for you to show up, just when I'm gonna get married." "I didn't know, Mitch, honest." "Sharon told me when I got here." " That girl is my fiancée." " I know." "I saw her." "All right..." "let's have it." "I think she's adorable." "Well, sure you do." "Except for what?" "I think she's a perfect dream." "Of course, her eyes are a little too close together." "if you don't mind that." "Maggie, don't try those old, worn-out tricks on me." "They don't work anymore." "Now, will you just go on upstairs and put on something decent?" " I'm perfectly decent." " Oh, sure, running around in my bathrobe." "That looks great." "She's liable to come in and see you in that." "It looks like we just..." "Like we what?" "You just go upstairs and put on some clothes, that's all." "Don't you use that tone of voice with me." "We're not married anymore, remember?" "But this is my house." "You're not gonna go running around in it dressed in that thing." "I'll do anything that I please and don't start ordering me around." "Maggie, I'm warning you for the last time, now go upstairs and put on some clothes..." "Don't try force on me." "I lammed you once and I can do it..." " Now, stand back." " Now, Maggie." "Maggie." "Don't start that, will you?" "Come on." "Mitch, take your hands off me." "Now let me alone." "[Groaning]" " I'm warning you." " [Moans]" " [Gasps] Oh." " Ow." "Why did you have to do that?" "Oh, Mitch, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean it." "Why do you have to get so physical?" "Can't even talk to you about anything." "You're always trying to belt me with something." " That's the most vicious thing." " Oh, Mitch, now it can't be that bad." "It's typical of you." "It is too that bad." "It hurts." "Let me see it." "Come on." " I have to see." " Leave it alone." "You've done enough." "Help me here." "Open up." "Let me see." "Don't..." "Don't hand open it." " Ow." "Oh, now you did it." " Oh, Mitch." "Stop acting like a big baby." "Now, I didn't get a good look at it." " I want a doctor to look at it." " Don't be ridiculous." "You're worse than the twins." "Mr. Evers?" "Mr. Evers?" "The ladies were wondering..." "Oh, excuse me." " Oh." " Reverend." "Now, wait just a minute, sir." "There's nothing wrong here." "Listen..." "Listen." "Nothing wrong at all." "It's not anything like you were thinking." "It's very easy to explain." "You see, sir, this is my wife." "Hello." "How do you, madam?" " Rev. Mosby, my wife." " How do you do?" " Then what about..." " Oh, no." "Ex-wife." "She came out here all of a sudden, very unexpectedly... to discuss some little mix-up that we had about the children." "And while we were discussing it, I merely suggested she go and put... on something decent because..." "What am I telling you all this for?" "It's none of your darn business." "Well, don't snap at him so." "He didn't ask for an explanation." "You're the one who's babbling on as if there were something to hide." "Dr. Mosby isn't at all shocked seeing me like this,..." " ...are you?" " Of course he's shocked." "He walks in here and you're running around in that get-up." "climbing over me on the couch." "On the contrary, I'm not at all shocked." "I see nothing... wrong with your wife's attire." " Ex-wife." " She's very beautiful, in fact." "Ah-ho-ho." "You see, I knew I liked you." "Also, Mr. Evers, you'll find that I'm not without a sense of humor." "I find this situation fraught with humor." "Quite out of the everyday, as we say, eh?" "[Laughing]" "Could you excuse us for just a moment, Dr. Mosby?" "Listen, Maggie, for once in your life try to be a little understanding, please?" "I've got to go outside and explain why you're here." "Now that... that's not gonna be easy." "And I suppose they'll want to meet me." "I suppose that's natural." "Besides, I wanna keep this thing honest and above board." "Very well, then." "I'll just run upstairs and slip into something more comfortable." "Ha-ha." "Very funny." "Oh, Dr. Mosby, don't you run away now." "I'll be here." " I'll be back in just a few minutes." " I'll look forward to that." "A delightful woman, Mr. Evers." "However did you let her slip away from you?" " She's simply delightful." " [Chuckles]" "[Groans]" "Why couldn't she have checked in into a hotel?" "I told you, I didn't invite her." " I knew something would go wrong." " Nothing has gone wrong." "Nothing's gone wrong?" "She was home when I got here." "She had already unpacked." " EDNA:" "She's going to spend the night?" " VICKY:" "Mitch, I won't have that." "Wait a minute." "You're reading implications..." "Wouldn't you like to go out and look at the garden?" "No, no, indeed." "I'm enjoying this immensely." "You are?" "Very interesting situation." "Quite out of the everyday, you know." " [Chuckles]" " Yes, it sure is." "Edna, listen, I guarantee you, by tomorrow morning..." "Mitch, I will not have her spending the night in this house." "You get rid of her.you hear me?" "Vicky, will you try to be a little understanding." "Now." "she is not that kind of a woman." "She's a woman." "That's enough." "Edna, she's not what you think at all." "In the first place, she's from Boston." " [Chuckles]" " She's older." "She's more mature." " Oh, yes, of course." " She's had two children already." "She's really the motherly type." "Vicky, I swear to you on a stack of bibles, you've got nothing..." "[Footsteps On Stairs]" "Hello, everybody." "Sorry to keep you waiting." "I'm Margaret McKendrick." " Hello, hello, hello." " Oh, hello, again." "And this must be Vicky." "Oh, you are adorable." "I'd know you anywhere from Mitch's description." "I'm Mrs. Robinson." "Oops." "Sorry, Mitch." "It could happen to anybody." "[Chuckling]" "Vicky?" "Oh, you are divine." "Oh, Mitch, she's simply breathtaking." "I was just thinking the same thing about you, dear." "At my age?" "Oh, you are a sweet child." "Mitch described you somewhat differently." "He certainly did." "[Laughing] Uh..." "Excuse me." "Of course you know what husbands think about ex-wives:" "like an "old, comfortable, worn-out shoe cast in the closet"." "Well, "off with the old and on with the new", eh?" "I must say, you are young." " Isn't that lucky for Mitch?" " Yes." "I was so thrilled when I heard you were going to take the plunge with old Mitch." " Maggie." " We really must celebrate this occasion." "Mitch, darling, be a good boy and run along and open up some champagne." "Now, tell me all about yourself." "We really must get to be very good friends." "No." "I don't want you to get to be very good friends." "Now, that's not the idea." " [Mumbling]" " We have to be running anyway." "Well, perhaps you'd better." "All good things have to come to an end, you know." "Oh, dear, what a pity." "Just as we were getting to know each other." "So nice to have met you." "I know you won't be coming to the wedding, but you'll see it in the society columns if you." " Never read them." " Oh, really." "What a shame." "You miss so much." "Actually, I never go to funerals or weddings." "I prefer elopements." "They're much more romantic." "What a shame you can't stay and have dinner with Mitch and me and the children." "Yes, Vicky and I have a million things to do." "You know, fittings and odds and ends to buy." "Just charge it to good old Mitch." "[Whispering] He's loaded." " Oh?" "I didn't... really know." " Oh, didn't you?" "Well, good-bye, It was so nice to have met you." "Good-bye, Vicky, darling." "You're just as cute as you can be." "[Laughs]" "Bye." "Delightful, charming woman." "It's amazing how he ever let her slip away from him." "You want me to lose my job?" "Your pa'll fire me for sure." "Oh, go on, Hecky, please?" "We're leaving tomorrow and I've only got tonight." "Please?" "No." "I won't be any part of a conspiracy like this." "He'll do it, or else he'll cook his own meals for the next month." "A gypsy?" "[Moans]" "[Groans]" "Hey, uh, what happened to dinner?" "Oh, dinner's being served on the patio tonight." " Oh, whose idea is that?" " It's none of my never mind." "I don't say a word." " I know, you never say a word." " People who talk too much talk too much." "So I don't say anything, I mind my own business." "I've been doing that for years." "Thats the way I..." "Hey, Verbena, what the heck's all this?" "What..." "Don't ask questions." "Go sit." "You wanna ruin everything?" "Ruin what?" " You gonna tell fortunes..." " Go sit down." "Dinner's all ready to serve." "[Crickets Chirping]" " [Chuckles] - [Footsteps]" "Well, what's all this?" "I don't know, Don't ask me, I just got here." "This is just my house." "Nobody ever tells me anything about what's going on." "And dinner on the patio." "Was this your idea, Mitch?" "No, it was not my idea." "What are you looking at?" "Oh, Mitch, that eye, it just looks dreadful." "Now, really, you must put something on it." " Don't you concern yourself." " What did you do, step on a rake?" "No." "Actually, a very well-bred ladylike Bostonian matron pinned it on me if you want the Associated Press release on it." "Anybody I know?" "Oh, Verbena." "Sort of special for tonight." "I think you'll like it." "[Sniffs]" " Smells delicious." " Now what do you call that?" " Veal parmigiana." " Veal..." "I hate that kind of stuff." "She knows that." "## [Violin]" "What do you think you're doing?" "Mitch, please, I may go out and kill myself, I don't know." "SUSAN:" "Hecky, come on." "It's time." " [Laughing]" " Excuse me, Mitch." "All right." "[Laughter Continues]" "Mitch, please don't laugh at this." " What's the matter with you?" " Well, don't you see?" "Ladies and gentlemen, the management has gotten together some entertainment for you." "Well, without... further ado, ladies and gentlemen." "I'd like to introduce direct from Boston... playing Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony" on the piano." "Miss Sharon McKendrick." "[Applause Stops]" "Hey, what's all this noise?" "Would you kindly get off the stage?" "I'm in the middle of a concert." "A concert." "Honey, you're going to put the paying customers to sleep with all this jazz." "You gotta get the new sounds." "## [Strumming]" "Come on, now, let's compromise." "You give a little." "I'll give a little." "Come on, let's get together." "That's it." "# Let's get together Yeah, yeah, yeah #" "# Why don't you and I combine #" "# Let's get together What do ya say #" "# We could have a swingin' time #" "TOGETHER: # We'd be a crazy team #" "# Why don't we beg to see #" "# Together Oh, oh, oh, oh #" "# Let's get together Yeah, yeah, yeah #" "# Think of all that we could share #" "# Let's get together every day #" "# Every way and everywhere #" "# And though we haven't got a lot #" "# We could be sharing all we've got #" "# Together #" "# Oh, I really think you're swell #" "# Uh-huh, we really ring the bell #" "# Ooo-we, and if you stick with me #" "# Nothin' could be greater Say, hey, alligator #" "# Let's get together Yeah, yeah, yeah #" "[Laughing]" "# Two is twice as nice as one #" "# Let's get together right away #" "# We'll be having twice the fun #" "# And you can always count on me #" "# A gruesome twosome we will be #" "# Let's get together Yeah, yeah, yeah #" "[Laughs] Oh, that was wonderful, girls." "[Mitch Laughs]" " Great." "Great." " Wonderful, girls, Marvelous." "Come on down and have dinner." "Yeah, come on, we got spaghetti." "all kinds of glop." "Oh, no, it's all right, thank you." "We've already had dinner in the kitchen." " Haven't we?" " Yes." "You go ahead and enjoy yourselves." "We're going to bed." "Good night, Mom." "Good night, Dad." "Mm-hmm." "Good night, Mom." "Have fun." " Good night, girls." " Good night, kids." "How about those two monkeys, huh?" "Imagine them putting together a thing like that." "Oh, they've put much more than that together, Mitch." "What do you mean?" "Well, don't you understand?" "The drippy candles, the violin music,the veal parmigiana," " ## ['For Now, For Always']" " Martinelli's." "Don't you remember?" " Oh." " Our first date." "They tried to recreate it." "Crazy, sweet kids." "What?" "Nothing." "[Sighs] Well, what are we going to do about them?" "Now that they've met, we certainly can't keep them apart." "No, we sure can't do that, can we?" "Well, I guess the only logical thing we can do is try to share them." "You could take them both for six months and then I could have them for the rest of the year." "That way at least they'd be together." "I think that's the best way, don't you?" "Yes, I guess it is." ""Six-month split." That's what Susan calls it." "Yeah." "That's about all we can do." "You know, Mitch, all of a sudden, I'm..." "I'm very depressed." "Ah, Maggie, it would have been worse if we'd stayed together." "you know that." "All that fighting and squabbling." "You with that Irish temper." "You were just as difficult and hard to get along with." "Oh, sure, I know." "I admit it." " It was a mistake in the beginning." " Was it, Mitch?" "Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?" "You know, you haven't changed much." "The years have been good to you, Mitch." "Yeah." "Well... aren't you going to return the compliment?" "Oh, yeah." "You know, as a matter of fact, Maggie. you look... pretty good." "Well, don't stumble over the words." "You know. you don't have to say them." "No, really, I mean it." "Uh..." "What did you do to yourself anyway?" "Do to myself?" "Sixteen plastic surgeons, a major reconstruction job on my face... just so I could be presentable." " Aw, Maggie..." " Well, who do you think I am?" "Some troll who crawled out of the woods to come calling on you?" "Oh, I admit, I'm not as young as that simpering, baby-faced, platinum doll who's got her hooks in you." "Now, don't get started on Vicky." "Oh, that's right, don't say anything about that dear, sweet, precious Vicky." "That plotz-faced child bride and her electric hips." "Oh, I-I'm sorry, Mitch." "It always happens, doesn't it?" "Yeah." "Well, it won't happen anymore." "I'm leaving in the morning with Sharon." "I really do mean this, Mitch." "I wish you the best of everything with Vicky." "Holy smokes." "What a lousy mess they made of that." "All our plans, and Mother and I will be leaving tomorrow." "[Sighs] Well, don't give up." "We've got all night to think of something." " Like what?" " Well, I don't know." "But something." " Sharon, taxi's waiting." " I'm coming." "Susan, aren't you coming down to say good-bye to me?" "Be right there, Mother." "Sharon." "Susan." "I'll..." "I'll send Susan back for Christmas." "I'll see that..." "Sharon comes out here for Easter." "Well, I suppose that's the best way." "I suppose so." "What are you doing in those clothes?" "Sharon, what is this?" "Well, I'll tell you." "We've thought it over and we've come to a decision." "Yep." "We decided we were getting gypped." "Yeah, gypped." " Oh..." " Now what do you mean, gypped?" "Well, we decided that we wanted to spend our our camp out together." "So, whichever one of us is Sharon..." "And we won't tell." "Whichever one of us is Sharon, we're not going to Boston." "MITCH:" "Ha." "Now, don't get smart with me, girls." "Sharon, go right upstairs and put your suit on." "Now, go on." "Are you sure she's Sharon?" "Of course she is." " Aren't you?" " [Susan Laughs]" " Tough to tell, ain't it?" " Ain't it?" ""Isn't it"?" "Now, stop all of this foolishness." "We're going to miss the plane." " That's the whole idea." " [Gasps]" " Mitch, do something." " Susan, go..." " Yes, Daddy?" " Yes, Daddy?" " That's not funny." " That's not funny." " That's not funny." " Oh, this one is Susan." "The smart aleck here." "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure." "I know my own daughter, don't I?" "You're not really sure, are you, Daddy?" " You know, I'm not." " I think they're ready to listen." "Right, here's the deal." "We leave for the camp out immediately, all of us." "And when you bring us back on Friday, then we'll tell you who's Sharon and who's Susan." "That's the deal." "Take it or leave it." "What am I to do for three days while you're off on some crazy trip into the woods?" "Stay home and knit?" "It's not my fault." "I can't tell them apart." "What do you want me to do?" "Give them a good spanking and make them tell." "Oh, you don't spank 13 year olds, especially for something like this." " Is she coming along?" " That's part of the deal." " Mitch, I will not have it." " Good morning, Vicky." "I will not sit while you're off prowling through the woods with her." " You're absolutely right." " Maggie, will you keep out of this?" "Oh, Mitch, you just can't go off and leave your fiancée alone for three whole days." "What on earth would people say?" "Sure, all right, group activity leader, what do you suggest?" "I think that you ought to come along with us." "Fine." " Oh, maybe I just will." " It's the only decent thing to do." "Sure." "Of course, we're going to have to get you another outfit, but I know where Mitch keeps his old shirts." "We can find you some boots, and very quickly we will have you all fixed up." "Are they all comin' with us?" "Yep." " Hecky, here's some more stuff." " All right, keep your shirt on." " Hi, Dad." " Hi." " Here." " Everything's almost packed." " When do we get going?" " Have you got enough?" "Just fasten the belt a little bit tighter." "VICKY:" "Yes." " Where does she think she's going?" " She's gonna come along, honey." "Are you kidding?" " Nope." " Besides, it's waterproof." "Wonderful." "Oh." "Here we are, Mitch." "All ready to go." "But she can't come along." "MARGARET:" "Now, girls, don't be rude." "We decided that your father couldn't possibly leave Vicky... alone for three whole days." "Well, let's get the show on the road, huh?" "You first." "You'll want to sit beside Mitch, won't you?" "If you don't mind?" "My pleasure." "You know, the way things have worked out, I think you and" "Vicky ought to be there alone." "What are you saying?" "Maggie, in or out." "Come on, will ya?" "If you're not going, I..." "Now, No no no Vicky, don't worry your pretty little head about me." "I'll just lie around the lake and soak up plenty of sun." "Besides, it'll give you a chance to get to know the girls." "You're going to have them for six months out of the year." " Bye, Vicky." "Watch out for snakes." " Thanks a lot." "Bye, girls." "Have a good time." "Bye." "## [Whistling]" " Oo-oh." " You all right?" "Oh, I'm just dandy." "Some fun." " What's the matter?" " Vicky's not used to this, honey." "We'll rest a minute." "[Sighs, Groans]" "Lake's not far now." "Just about another hour's all." "Look, I'll put it on it." "Yes?" " Gee, is it hot?" " What of it?" "Well, I just thought maybe you'd like some of my water." "Thanks a lot." "No, there's a thing on there." "[Screaming]" " What is it?" " It's only a little old tree lizard." "Look, Dad, it wouldn't hurt anybody." "Look." "Get that thing away from me." "I hate it." "Cut that out." "[Chuckles]" "Honey, come on." "Oh, get that away from me." "I hate them." "They're just miserable." "[Both Laughing]" "Now, you two stay here and help Vicky, you understand?" "Yeah, sure we'll help her, Dad." "Oh... sure you'll help me." "Right over a cliff you'll help me." "What did we do?" "Never you mind those angelic faces." "I know vixen when I see 'em." "Just remember this, You start anything, and I will make your lives just miserable for you later on." "You get me, pets?" "See that?" "Cougar tracks." " It's a form of mountain lion." " No kidding?" " Lions?" " Oh, sure." "There are hundreds of'em up here, Ooh, they'll really mess you up." "They'll grab at your eyes." "They'll eat ya, you know." "But there's a trick an old Indian guide showed me." "See?" "You hit two sticks like this and the noise frightens 'em and they won't eat you," " [Banging Sticks]" " Like that?" "Yeah, that'll keep 'em away." "Come on." "[Banging Continues]" " [Both Laughing]" " Quick." " Hey." " [Gasps]" " Enjoying yourself?" " Perfectly wonderful time." " [Girls Shouting, Laughing]" " My feet are killing me." "Oh, why don't you go down and soak 'em in the lake." "That'll cool 'em off." " You think?" " Why, sure." "Go on." "I'll try anything." "Come on in." "It's not deep." " You sure?" " Sure I'm sure." "Look, I'm standing." " [Screams]" " Mitch, come on." "[Both Laughing]" "[Panting]" "Ah." "Hecky, you really did yourself proud." "Thanks, Mitch." "You sure you, uh, won't change your mind, miss?" "I detest trout." "How many times do I have to tell you?" "I'll wait and eat in the morning." "What are we having for breakfast?" "Trout." "We don't catch fish just to throw 'em away, We always eat off the trail up here." " that's part of the fun." " Only part of the fun?" "Swell." "What do you do on Saturday nights?" "Go down and throw rocks in the lake?" "You insisted on coming." "The least you can do is make the best of it." "I was tricked into coming." "She tricked me." "[Chuckling] She sure did, didn't she?" "If you wanna go back, Hecky can always take you down." "Oh, why, sure, miss." "I'd be happy to walk you down to the truck." "I'll stick it out, thanks." "Oh." "What do they think I'm running, a free blood bank?" " I think they like this stuff." " What do you got?" "Oh, mosquito repellant." "It doesn't even smell like anything." "[Laughs] For Pete's sake, that's nothing but sugar and water." "What?" "Sure, that'll bring every mosquito for 50 miles around." "Now, where'd you get that?" "An old Indian scout gave it to me." "Said it would keep the mosquitoes away." "Hecky, I think I'll have some more of that wonderful trout." "Oh, yeah." "I'm turning in." " Good night." " Good night." " Good night, Vicky." " Good night, Vicky." "Vicky." "Honey, what are you doing with the sticks?" "Well, what do you think I'm doing?" "I'm keeping the mountain lions away." " Mountain lions?" " Well, yeah, the noise..." "The noise doesn't frighten mountain lions away?" "Not a bit." "Good night." "## [Humming 'Let's Get Together']" " Now, just why did you do that to Vicky?" " Daddy, I swear that..." "Never mind." "It's a terrible thing to do." "Isn't it?" "Just terrible." "Now, I don't want anymore of that from either of you." "you understand?" "Yes, Daddy." " Both of you?" " Yes, Daddy." "All right." "[Loud Snoring]" "[Snoring, Grumbles]" "[Birds Twittering]" "[Screams] Oh, get me out of here." "There are animals in here." "Let me out." "Let me out of here." "Get them away from me." "Get those wild animals out." "Get 'em away." "I hate 'em." "I hate them." "Let me out." "Get them away from me." "[Crying]" "I hate this place." "I hate this filthy, stinking, dirty place." "What you yellin' about?" "They's just little bitty old bear cubs." "They wouldn't hurt a fly." "You shut up and get me my boots." "Yes, ma'am." "Oh, I hate this place." "This may be somebody's idea of fun, but it's not mine." "I hate the fish." "I hate the lake." "I hate the trees." "I hate the filthy bugs." "What the heck are you doing to the food?" "I wanna go back to Central Park East." "What's happening?" "You big overgrown jerk." "It's not worth it." "Do you want your clothes, Vicky?" "Thanks a heap." "You, you're twins." "Do you share everything?" " Everything." " Everything." "Well, you give your sister her half of this." "Hey, wait a minute." "There's no cause for that." "They didn't do anything to you." "You'll never know what they did to me, you big goon." "Get me outta this stinkin' fresh air." "SHARON:" "Mother, where are you?" "Hi." "Oh." "You're back early." "Now, which one are you?" " Sharon." " Did you have a good time?" "Oh, sensational." "But... well, at least we did, but I don't think Vicky did." " Well, what happened?" " Hi, Mom." " Well, hi." " How are you?" " Wonderful." "Hello, there." " Good evening." " Have you had your dinner?" " Oh, we're not hungry." "Then you better go upstairs and have your baths." " You both look filthy to me." " OK." "Then we'll tell you about Vicky, but not while he's there, okay?" "Shh." "Okay." "So, you had a wonderful time." "What happened?" "Oh, now, don't you give me that with the big eyes, "What happened?"" "You knew darn well what was gonna happen." "Oh, What happened?" "All right, you name it and it happened." "The whole thing was a shambles." "Now you happy?" "It's the last time I'm gonna take a woman to the mountains." "It's all I got to say." "Oh, uh, where's, um, uh, what's-her-name?" " Vicky?" " Yeah, yeah, Vicky." "Yeah, yeah." "Well, she took off like a pelican and she's probably at Park Avenue and 57 th Street by now, and good luck to her." "Ah." "Well?" "We've been talking and we feel that we owe you an apology." "Well, I mean, we feel sort of guilty about what we did to Vicky." "What did you do to her?" "Well, um..." "I guess you could say we submarined her." "Well, it's none of our business who you wanna marry. and we ruined it for you." "Well, um... that's done with now, so we won't talk about it anymore." "We're really sorry, Dad." "Will you forgive us?" "Aw, go on to bed, you monsters." "What are you gonna do, huh?" " Do you want something to eat?" " Well, uh, sure you got enough?" "Oh, sure, I cooked enough for you and Susan for dinner tomorrow night." "Remember, Sharon and I are leaving in the morning." " Oh, yeah, leaving." " Wash your hands." "Oh, yeah, I better." "## [Humming]" "## [Humming Stops]" "[Clears Throat] Where's Verbena, anyway?" "I wasn't expecting you back, and it didn't make sense for her to stay around here just for me, so I gave her the night off." "Say, you know, I..." "I think I'll just go upstairs and wash up." "I'll be right back." "I'll just be a minute." "I don't know what he saw in her." "She had a horrid taste in clothes... and absolutely no personality at all." "[Wolf Whistle]" " Wow." " Where ya goin', to a party?" "[Chuckling] That is none of your business." "Good night, ladies." "Sleep tight." "## [Waltz]" "Hi." "Well." "I thought you were just going to "wash your hands"?" "Oh, well, I got started, I thought I might as well do a good job of it." "Shh." " What?" " Do you hear music?" "Are those children looking at television when I told them to take a bath?" "Oh, that's the hi-fi." "I just snapped it on when I was coming downstairs." "I thought a little music would be nice with dinner." "Also, I thought a little red wine might be good with the stew, huh?" " Oh. [Laughs] - [Laughs]" "To the mother of my children... and the most beautiful mother any two kids ever had." "Oh, Mitch, you can be the most exasperating man." "Oh, what I say?" "What's the matter?" "Waiting until we're here in the kitchen eating stew and-and me in my bare feet." "I like you in bare feet." "Well, it puts a woman at a disadvantage." "Good." "Here's to your disadvantage." "Ha." "[Chuckles]" "## [Continues]" "Here." "Sit down and eat your stew." " Yeah." " Don't spill it now." " Oh, darn." " What's the matter?" "Well, I've got a wet dishcloth on and I put some knots in it." "Open it for me." "Maggie, as long as everybody's, uh, apologizing." "I think maybe I better do mine too." "I mean, about the other night." "I didn't mean for it to sound like that." "I guess I'm not very good with the compliments, what, with... growing' up out here with cows..." "Oh, now, don't gimme that old "growing up with the cows" routine." " You handed me that years ago." " I did not." "You certainly did." "[Sniffles] Well, it worked, didn't it?" " You liked it." " [Chuckles]" "[Sighs]" " Ah, Maggie, you're so beautiful." " Oh." "No, I mean it." "I know I don't say things like... you wanna hear 'em, but I've been thinking a lot about you..." "and us and the way things used to be." "This might sound funny, but you know what I miss most of all?" " Mitch." " Hmm?" "You've got stew all over you." " I don't care." " Go and wash it off." "What do you miss?" "Well..." "I don't care if it does sound silly." "I miss those wet stockings you used to have hanging around the bathroom." "And I miss my razor being dull because you used it to shave your legs with." "[Low Gasp]" "And I miss the hairpins mixed up with the fishhooks in my tackle box." "It's no fun having a clothes closet all to myself." "And it's no fun swearing because you're not around to... make-believe you're shocked by it." "Well, nothing's any good without you, Maggie." "I miss a lot of things." "I guess I just miss you." "Why did you take so long to tell me?" "I don't know." "Well, because... because I guess I was hoping that you'd come back sometime." "Oh, Maggie." "I've been the prize chump of the world." "We both have." "We're gonna grow up into a couple of old, lonely people... if we don't do something about it." " I know." " You don't want that, do you?" "No, Mitch." "Oh, Mitch." "It's been so long." "So very long." "[Crying]" "Are you crying?" "Listen." "You can slug me in the eye anytime you want?" "Okay." "[Laughs]" "[Gasping]" " What's the matter?" " Oh, my gosh." "I just had the craziest dream." "Oh, my goodness." "What is it?" "You and I were marching along real slow, sort of funny-like, in organdy dresses." "And there was music coming from someplace." " ## ['Wedding March']" " And there were flowers and people," "## ["For Now, For Always"]" "# For my love was meant for #" "# Was heaven sent #" "# For now #" "# For always #" "# For you #"