"( theme music playing )" "you will have great difficulty in believing what happened last night." "michelle of the resistance persuaded us all to pose as undertakers." "this was done in order to get into the chateau to rescue the british airmen who were being held there as prisoners." "need i tell you that a series of disasters resulted in the plan going off at half cock, or to be more exact no cock at all?" "that idiot crabtree dropped an oak coffin down a stone staircase." "monsieur leclerc insulted monsieur alfonse, the undertaker, which resulted in them fighting upstairs and downstairs with swords like a couple of 80-year-old errol flynns." "eventually the guard was called out and we were lucky to escape with our lives." "needless to say, the british airmen are still being held as prisoners." "even as i speak they may be on their way to berlin to be interrogated." "only one thing prevents me from leaving right now:" "there is not quite enough money in the till." "by tonight i will be off." "( register dings ) edith, what are you doing?" "last night was the biggest nose-up i have ever witnessed." "tonight i am off to the house of my cousin in armentieres." "she has kennels." "with a bit of luck i can hide in one until the war is over." "oh, i see. you are leaving me to face the music, huh?" "oh, it is not that, rene." "my cooking has made you too big to go into a kennel." " rene, you have a visitor in the backroom." " oh, not michelle again." " no, it is lieutenant gruber." " oh, that is worse." " where is he?" " he was afraid of being seen so i've hidden him in the clothes closet." "huh." "look after the bar." "you can come out of the closet now, lieutenant." "rene, you had a very narrow squeak last night." "it took all the guile that i possess to prevent the general from coming downstairs to investigate the commotion." "ah, well, about the noise, i understand what happened was-- rene, tell me nothing." "it is better that i remain in complete ignorance." "you were saved by the arrival of herr flick and von smallhausen, who had disguised themselves as army officers in an attempt to abduct the british airmen, so that the gestapo could question them." "well, if i had been there, which of course i was not, i would indeed have had a narrow squeak." "of course." "fate is fortunately on our side." "the officers who are to collect the airmen are not arriving from berlin until tomorrow." "the general will be in calais visiting big bertha." "is that his bit of stuff?" "no, it is a very big gun we have installed to shell the british in dover." "this would be an excellent time if the resistance, who you do not know, were to rescue the airmen before they talk and drop us all in the you-know-what." "i will pass the message to the resistance, who i do know know." "uh..." "( clears throat) tell the people who you do not know that tomorrow lunchtime would be a very good time for me not to see them." "yes, general, we will attend to it." "we will see to it that those gestapo devils get a really hard time." "the general is sending to us herr flick and herr von smallhausen." "they were arrested last night impersonating high-ranking german officers." "what will be their fate, colonel?" "i will scare the pants off them!" "send them in as soon as they arrive." "yes, colonel." "in here!" "do not try to escape." "herr flick." "where are your clothes?" "they were removed by the general's troops." "german thugs." "how humiliating." "and they have chained you like an animal." "they do not wish me to make a run for it." "or in my case, a fast limp." "how terrible." "you look exhausted." "shall i hold it for you?" "no." "would you care to rest it on the desk while you're waiting?" "helga, you must make a phone call for me to my godfather, heinrich himmler, to inform him of my plight." "of course." "what is his number?" "berlin one." "i'll write it down." "herr flick, the sight of you in your underwear with your ankles tethered is most stimulating." "do you wish me to kiss you?" "it would not be seemly without my hat." "in there!" "good morning." "good morning." "why do you have a smaller one than me?" "i am not as important as you are, herr flick." "this is correct." "ah, helga, the beautiful lady!" "i kiss your hand." "what for you chat up the gestapo in their undies?" "they are under arrest for impersonating high- ranking army officers." "i was a field marshal." "it was a lovely uniform." "i wanted to take a picture to send to my mother." "but they stripped me before i had time." "colonel:" "helga, where are they?" "never you mind. you send your mama the picture of you in the prison clothes, with the little arrows." "herr flick of the gestapo and von smallhausen also of the gestapo!" " send them in!" " hobble in here!" "this is exceedingly heavy." "put the ball at your feet and dribble." "my my my." "how the mighty have fallen." "i hope you realize that impersonating german officers carries with it severe penalties." "the higher the rank, the greater the penalty." "now, for impersonating a captain the sentence is 10 years in a labor camp." "for impersonating a field marshal, a minimum of 20 years in a labor camp." "please, please, i could not do 20 years." "well, you do as many as you can." "he made me do it." "i am weak-willed." "( whimpering ) i am easily led." "do not squirm before them, von smallhausen." "you will change your tune when this comes to the ears of my godfather, heinrich himmler." "( smirks ) he will never hear of it." "you will be another number on the handle of a pickax." "( phone rings ) yes?" "yes, herr himmler!" "oh, yes." "yes they're here." "we're just making them a cup of tea." "yes, that's right, herr himmler." "my wife does live in the black forest." "that's it. just down the road from my gateau factory." "yes." "of course we're insured against fire." "no, we're not insured against shellfire." "i will release them at once." "it was the fault of an italian officer." "he's here. would you care to speak to him?" "for you!" " is himmler?" " in person." "um, uh... this, uh, captain, uh, manzoni pepperoni at your service." "hey, there is no need that you shout!" "we let them go." "i drive them in my car, personal." "on the way we get the hacksaw." "what for?" "to cut off the balls." "he's hung up." "( murmuring )" "( bell dings ) yvette, you are supposed to be serving." "why are you wearing the uniform of nouvion grammar school?" "shh!" "here is a gown, a mortarboard and a cane." "no, i cannot go upstairs with you now. we are open." "no, these clothes are so that we can run away together and find happiness." "we cannot leave the area without a pass." "we can say that that you are my headmaster and that we are on a nature ramble." "no, i cannot let you take the risk, yvette, but hang on to the outfit, huh?" "( bell dings ) good moaning." "good moaning." "are you aloon?" "you can see i am not aloon." "but there are no nitzis in your coffee." "no, we had an health inspector in only last week." "he means "nazis in the cafe."" "( sighs ) his french is getting worse." "as there are no nitzis, i will give a secret sognal." "that was not very secret." "wait and soo." "( dings )" "( blows whistle )" "( footsteps ) i hope that was a coincidence." "the curst is clear." "listen very carefully, i shall whisper this only once:" "come over here." "there are germans everywhere." "i know that. that is why they call it occupied france." "whisper quickly and go." "we have information that the two german officers who are coming to collect the british airmen will be arriving by car." "why are you telling us this?" "we have arranged to hijack the car and steal the uniforms." "two of our group will then wear these uniforms and collect the british airmen." "the will march them out of the chiteau... under the very neeses of the nitzis." "and who are the brave idiots who will do all this?" "we do not yet know." "it depends on who the uniforms fit." "we can call on 40 members of the resistance." "your chances are farty to win." "our problem is this, colonel:" "if the airmen are interrogated in berlin they may implicate rene from the cafe." "he in turn may reveal that he has been hiding for us a portrait of the fallen madonna-  with the big boobies-  by van clomp." "that damned painting." "is it worth it?" "every day it increases in value." "he may also reveal that your uniform was once used to help airmen to escape in order to keep rene's mouth shut." "if a rescue attempt should occur during the absence of the general it would be in our best interests to look the other way." "what chance is there of such an attempt being made?" "well, i go into bars, people drop things." "need i say more?" "i would rather you did not." "one thing worries me-- it's that damned inquisitive wop." "yes, captain bertorelli, i have given thought to this matter." "could not helga distract him?" "how?" "well, by inviting him to lunch at your luxurious quarters in the chateau-- temporarily provided by the general." "certainly not." "helga, if you do not use these quarters to help us, we will see that they're taken from you!" "we will tell the general that in his absence there have been more soldiers marching in and out of your door than the brandenburg gate." " you wouldn't!" " i would." "he would." "it is hard to know whom to invite to our wedding, ernest." "uh, so many of our friends have kicked the bucket." " i've been making a list for my stag party." " oh." "you have written only two names." "all the rest are in the nick." "why do you not have your party in the nick?" "( knock on door ) edith: can i come in?" "down, ernest!" "come in." "ah, edith." "you have just awoken me from a dreamless sleep." "mother, i have just had a message from michelle of the resistance." "at last, there is an opportunity for you to help france." "( sighs ) long live france." "up with maurice chevalier!" "down with marlene dietrich." "♪ arise the children of the motherland... ♪ oh, shut up, mama... and listen to the plan." "we have to capture a staff car belonging to the germans." "oh, the germans." "i hate them." "( spits ) mama, not on the bedspread." "now listen, we need an obstruction." "you have been chosen to be the obstruction." "give me the tools and i will do the job." "monsieur leclerc will be pushing you in your wheelchair in the middle of the road." "at a given signal the wheel will fall off." "the staff car will stop." "the resistance will do the rest." "( sighs ) i will be proud to have my wheel fall off for france!" "( chuckles ) oh, will you find monsieur leclerc and tell him?" "straightaway." "( birds chirping )" "i can see them coming over the hill." "wheel the chair into the road." "i will give you the signal when the wheel is to come off." "long live france!" "♪ arise the children of our motherland ♪" "♪ the hour of freedom-- ♪ shut up." "oh, mama is so brave." "what if the car does not stop?" "you will be a very old orphan." "i will riddle the car with bullets." "you will do no such thing." "we need those uniforms." "we cannot have them full of holes." " give me the gun." " i will not give you my gun." "give me the gun." "oh!" "( yelling ) stop it, the pair of you." "oh!" "ernest, what makes the wheel come off?" "i do not know, fanny." "the resistance say when i press the button it will all happen." "now." " the signal. now!" " ( mutters )" "oh my god." "the resistance have exploded my mother." "it will take more than that to get rid of her." "♪ arise the children of the motherland ♪" "♪ the hour of freedom's drawing nigh ♪" " ( fanny singing ) - what did i tell you?" "more wine, captain alberto?" "no, it's time for me to go on duty and inspect my brave soldiers." "just a little one for the road." "this a not for the road, this a for the autobahn." "let-a me give you one." "captain, you're so naughty." "just one little sip." "and then i go and inspect my troops." "don't go, captain." "stay and tell me your adventures while i slip into something looser." "( whimpers ) i think today the troops inspect themselves." "do i have to stay for this pantomime?" "get into line!" "now, whomsoever this uniform fits shall go to the chateau." "she's even using the same words." "too small." "too small." "much too small." " it fits!" " oh, what a surprise." "i suppose if i'm not back by midnight, i will turn into a pumpkin." "you are halfway there already." "( tango music playing )" "( glass smashes )" "i love the tango." "it bring out in me the animal." " you are a very exciting wop." " ( growls ) is this why you wriggle every time i hold you close?" "it is the cold temperature of your medals." "( knock on door ) what was that?" "i came with these flowers to thank you for calling my godfather." "i find you in the arms of another." "what is worse, the other is an itai." "herr flick, i can explain." "no, i can't." "i consider our engagement, which was on, is now off." "i will of course confirm this with a letter on gestapo notepaper." "all is clear." "into the car." " into the car!" " who are you ordering about?" "i am a major." "you are a captain." "into the car." "my god, is he driving?" "i was the getaway driver for one-eyed, one-armed, one-legged jack morell." "well, he could hardly drive himself, could he?" "hold tight and do not touch the trigger." "which one is the trigger?" "( screams )" "that one." "forward to the chateau!" "( motorcycle starts up ) forward to the chateau!" "that is the window of the chateau in which the airmen are imprisoned." "send them the message." "( sighs ) i think those resistance people have forgotten all about us." " it would appear not." " ( chuckles ) oh, good show." "oh, there's a note." "carst:" "what does it say?" ""rescue on way." "pretend not to recognize german officers."" "i don't know any german officers." "hang on, there's something on the other side." "in case there is a cock-up, eat this." "ah well, here goes." "mmm." "the berlin car is approaching!" "sergeant:" "bring out the prisoners." "papers?" "papers." "these are in order." "forward!" "( gears grind ) there are so many gears!" "show him the papers." "you are the major." "you show him the papers." "i am the major." "you are a captain." "i am ordering you to show him the papers!" "for heaven's sake, somebody show him the papers." "( honks )" "the papers." "it is a very old driver you have there." "he was young when we started." "well, it is a long way from berlin." "this is in order." "bring the airmen!" "they're very slippery customers." "the general has ordered handcuffs." "to the car." "uh, where are the keys?" "there is a duplicate in berlin." "when you arrive there, you will be released." "hell hitler." "all:" "hell hitler. goodbye." "forward!" "( gears grind )" "there go the british airmen to berlin." "we have been thwarted." "i was also thwarted this afternoon." "that is twice today you've been thwarted." "some people attract bad luck." "that is true." "come here." "( motor stalling )" "( mumbling ) what is happening?" "( motor sputtering )" " the battery, he is flat!" " oh." "oh." " i will crank it with the handle." " oui oui." "( clamoring ) come on, hurry up." "hang on, hang on." "what is wrong?" "i can't do it." "i'm left-handed." "i will do it." "wiggle your foot!" "on the accelerator." "he has flooded it." "we will have to give him a push start." "( honks ) edith:" "this way." "put it in gear." "do not release the clutch until i tell you." "( mumbles ) one, two, three, push!" "now!" "( car starts up )" " hey, come back!" " come back!" " hey, you son of a gun!" " ( shouting )" " come-- - come here!" "where have you been?" "never mind that." "to the bike!" "come!" "hang on!" "( grunting )" "( theme music playing )"