"It's starting!" "Rainbow Randolph!" "Welcome to The Rainbow Randolph Show!" "Kidnet presents America's favorite kid-show host..." "Rainbow Randolph!" "Featuring Angelo Pike and the Krinkle Kids!" "Friends come in all sizes" "Rainbow." "it's true" "All the colors of rainbow From mauve to blue" "Their names are different Their shoes don't match" "Some like to toss While others to catch" "One might say "grasp" While the other says "snatch"" "Because" "Friends come in all sizes Take it from me size never matters When you want some friendly patter" "From a pal who is true" "And can lift you up when you're blue" "You can count on him He can count on you" "It's true" "Friends come in all sizes Friends come in all sizes they do" "You know what else comes in all sizes?" "Our products." "it's not free." "You'll let my boy dance up front?" "Gets to sit in the chair?" "You want your booger-eater on my show?" "very much." "Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business." "We were just" "I'll call you if a spot opens up." "Freeze!" "Drop the briefcase!" "I never touched the money." "FBI!" "You're under arrest." "I'm Rainbow-fucking-Randolph!" "Kids love me!" "You have the right to remain silent." "If you give up...." "Corruption in Krinkleland?" "Rainbow Randolph busted by feds in midtown Patsy's Bar." "May I express that I am as shocked and outraged by this as you." "Stokes!" "We got nervous sponsors and an angry public." "What are you gonna do?" "I've compiled a list of replacements" "Clean replacements?" "With background checks?" "Christ!" "Where do you dig up these people?" "I can assure you that this network cannot survive another Rainbow Randolph." "Absolutely." "It is my mission to find a replacement." "A performer of character and honor." "Most importantly" "Squeaky-fucking-clean!" "sir." "Buggy Ding Dong?" "Heroin mule." "Square Dance Danny?" "Wife beater." "Princess Poppy?" "Don't bust my balls." "Skippy Black and the Trolls?" "Deported." "And the Trolls...." "Who gives a shit?" "This is impossible." "I want to strangle Rainbow Randolph." "Squeeze his neck until his eyes pop out!" "let's save my ass." "Frank." "Sheldon Mopes?" "Have we sunk to that level already?" "Smoochy?" "What a sap!" "Sap's just the pill we need." "Get your feet off." "He's a guy in a suit." "A foamy." "Fabric stuffer." "off-Broadway runoff-- he's playing hospitals and nursing homes." "He's bottom rung." "This is the guy!" "We can do better than Mopes." "He brings nothing to the table." "Except ethics." "Never a whiff of controversy." "He's a harmless cornball." "Don't make me." "A bottle of syrup with legs!" "Frank!" "Get me Smoochy!" "Hello." "Hi." "This is Nora Wells" "Just kidding." "It's a machine." "Leave a message or catch an appearance." "I'm opening the children's wing at the library." "Or catch me at the methadone clinic." "you can't change the world..." "...but you can make a dent." "You bet." "yeah." "I think it's time to wrap things up." "I'll close with a ditty." "You may recognize the tune." "join in." "we will we will" "We'll get you off that smack We'll kick that monkey off your back we will" "though." "You know why?" "it can you know what I'm talking about." "Sing it with me now." "we are" "Take it easy." "Mr. Mopes?" "I saw your performance." "It was very spirited." "Thank you very much." "but... it's pretty much sleepytime." "Tough to get a sing-along." "At least you know the smack's knocking them out and not your singing." "I hope so." "Can we talk for a minute?" "but we have trained counselors who can help you." "You came on the H train?" "Riding the horse?" "On the juice?" "No." "It's sweet of you to assume so." "I'm Nora Wells." "I'm V.P. of development for Kidnet." "You work for Kidnet?" "!" "Yeah." "Are you serious?" "Yeah as a heart attack." "I'm glad I didn't know you were here." "That might have thrown me off." "1970." "You know what else happened that day?" "The first Sesame Street." "You wouldn't believe what it took to get soy dogs here." "wake up and smell the future." "twice the protein and nobody gets killed." "I'm gonna get you on these gluten-free buns." "Sheldon." "my friends are always saying:" "if you don't learn to sell yourself a little... but limited audience."" "Spirulina with almond butter?" "Sure you don't wanna try?" "No." "This is children's entertainment." "It's about doing good work." "Having integrity." "with the foundation of a positive message." "You can't build a foundation with plaster of Paris." "You use concrete." "sister." "That is integrity!" "I can see that." "Mr. Mopes." "The reason I'm here...." "Kidnet is currently looking for a performer with convictions and integrity." "Somebody like yourself." "Hold the phone." "Kidnet is finally ready to pursue a show of Smoochy caliber?" "to commit to Smoochy quality?" "I believe we're ready to push ourselves to that level." "I knew it!" "I knew it." "I knew if I waited long enough I knew somebody would come along one day who took a look at me and understood what I do." "That's you." "You get me." "I'm afraid so." "Miss V.P. of Development let's you and me go make history!" "I like it." "Get your $50 bump for working in smoke this week." "Angelo." "I was a big fan of your work with the Krinkle Kids." "I appreciate you coming over to be a Rhinette." "A job's a job." "See you out there." "Where can you go when skies turn gray" "Where the sun always shines And the animals play" "Smoochy's here to show the way" "Smoochy's Magic Jungle happy place" "hooray!" "I thought you weren't coming." "You'd forgotten." "Agreed to meet you." "I had a dinner engagement." "Really?" "I used to have dinner engagements." "Four or five a night." "Randy." "10 guys reached for my hat." "they'd clear the restroom." "You know why?" "that's why!" "You through?" "What?" "You got things to do?" "You don't have time for me?" "The guy who earned for you?" "Put the Armani surplus suits on your back?" "The coq au vin in your Brooklyn mouth." "We helped each other." "Till someone messed up.... it was Rainbow-fucking-Randolph!" "For what?" "Ass-wipe money." "You gotta fix this." "I want my old time slot back." "I can't sit and watch that one-horn carpetbagger get my time slot." "He gets a free ride on my dime." "Come on." "We got a history." "There's nothing I can do for you." "You're a pariah." "I can't even be seen with you." "Don't do this to me." "I'm going down for the last time." "They kicked me out of the penthouse." "I'm homeless." "Put yourself in my Capezios." "your shoes have become my shoes." "no skim." "Network wanted squeaky clean and they got it." "Mopes is sparkling." "Please?" "You got nothing left?" "Exactly." "That's what I've been trying to tell you." "What's this?" "A Rain Forest Benefit freebie bag." "Disposable camera Kahlúa flavored peanuts... no animal-tested...." "Randy." "Get out of the car." "jerk-off." "You'll get yours!" "The rhino too!" "Wheels are turning!" "Even a guy who's squeaky clean falls into the mud." "Smoochy and Rhinette dolls would be sold separately." "These are prototypes." "I've been assured that all the bugs will be worked out." "Let's recap." "the string cheese the cola." "We're in a dick-measuring contest over the shampoo." "people." "Let's hold the phone a second." "If I might interject." "We need to re-examine our principles." "We are still trying" " Smoochy is still trying to earn these kids' trust." "We won't do that by selling string cheese and shampoo and cola which contains no less than two addictive substances." "We need to focus on putting together the best show possible." "without bells and whistles." "team?" "Damn." "I got that." "please." "Now lock it." "Thanks." "We're deciding if Smoochy-O's are frosted or fruit-flavored." "If anybody has a strong feeling...." "Our survey shows a dead heat." "Frosted for old and fruity for young." "Have them both." "Good." "I like frosted." "I like sweeter." "Me too." "As a kid I ate frosted." "Let's go the old-fashioned way...." "I felt...." "Hey!" "Nora!" "Wait up." "I thought that was a good meeting today." "We tackled some hot issues." "I felt once or twice my voice wasn't being heard." "That's a conservative estimate." "I want the show to have weight." "Substance." "but with a message." "Guess how many compositions I have in the Smoochy songbook." "Do you sense my lack of interest?" "Over 300 on subjects from vegetables to the importance of donating plasma." "Nora." "Use me-- stop talking." "I'm gonna make this real easy for you." "The only reason you're on TV is because Rainbow Randolph is a scumbag." "like groceries." "I got more emotional investment in my nail polish." "So don't peddle your sap to me." "Your job is to smile and nod your head." "Look." "I'm not literally comparing Captain Kangaroo to Jesus Christ." "like Christ was someone you could really believe in." "With those guys... it was all about the work." "forget about it." "I never saw anybody get buzzed on orange juice." "I'll tell you a secret:" "Pop a little liquid alfalfa in it it's blastoff time." "Let me have a Five Crown." "Hey." "Smoochy the Rhino." "That's me." "I'm a big fan." "That's the first time anybody recognized me out of the suit." "Burke Bennett." "Kid-show talent agent." "Nice to meet you." "Nice to meet you." "Network goons are like that." "Stokes tried to screw him out of merchandising points." "Claimed he had a warehouse full of Dicky Dolls that weren't moving." "We're friends for years." ""Show me the warehouse."" "I walk out of there with a check for 100 grand Stokes is sitting with his thumb up his ass." "I don't care about that stuff." "floor wax." "I care about getting creative input on my own show." "this rhino came from my womb." "Okay?" "I birthed him." "I nursed him." "I ought to be the one who raises him." "you get power." "you can have Smoochy walk out with a dildo strapped to his head." "I haven't thought of that idea." "I do see where you're going with this." "I'll cut the strings." "I'll open the magic door for you." "how do you like that?" "I laid the groundwork." "He's a bank with a horn." "You'll make more with him than 20 Randolphs." "Important to the Parade of Hope." "It's in the bag." "We might have to massage him." "Burkey-Boy." "A special batch of cookies for a very special rhino." "How thoughtful of me." "They're beautiful." "and I'm your professor." "Can we talk?" "Why was the "Please and Thank You Song" cut?" "It takes away from the "Cookie Song."" "The "Cookie Song" is meaningless fluff without it." "That's the lesson." "The moral anchor." "It's cut." "And I want the cookie lyrics changed back." "I won't encourage kids to eat a lot of sugar." "I have to like myself." "This is not a sprout farm." "You're here to sell sugar and plastic." "Do you hear yourself?" "I won't do it." "Does that say "Nora's Magic Jungle"?" "No." "I'm not your puppet." "Since when?" "Get your spongy pink ass out there and dance for the cameras." "This is a kid show." "Those are children I'm singing to out there." "You don't even see children anymore." "You just see wallets with pigtails." "le Smoochy." "Welcome to Fatty Arbuckle-land." "little ones." "Rainbow Randolph will return." "All right!" "I'll tell you something." "That jiggy-ing and ziggy-ing makes me hungry." "what time is it?" "Magic Cookie Time!" "What?" "Magic Cookie Time!" "That's right!" "Everybody in the middle!" "Get in the middle!" "hit me!" "Give them a cookie." "lookie Here comes the cookie" "Fresh and organic" "No need to panic" "He didn't change it." "Straight from the soil No tropical oil" "Sweetened with juice For an energy boost fucking peasant." "Who wants the first cookie?" "Me!" "Let's see what we got today!" "Give them a cookie." "My!" "It's a...." "It's a...." "A rocket ship!" "It's a rocket ship to fly us to Jungle Land!" "Here we go!" "Fuck!" "Follow me!" "We're flying over the trees on our magic rocket." "What a special day!" "Special cookies." "Are you blind?" "It's a cock!" "It's not a rocket!" "What is this?" "Randolph!" "Get him out!" "Look." "It's a cock and balls!" "It's a dick!" "Chorizo and the huevos!" "It's a big stiffy!" "It's a penis!" "Penis maximus!" "A willie!" "Mr. Jiggle Daddy!" "Get him out of here!" "The one-eyed wonder weasel!" "It's Jimmy and the twins." "Rumple Foreskin." "He made this." "It's made from dil-dough." "Wave bye-bye!" "Thanks for visiting!" "Let go of me!" "I'm Rainbow-fucking-Randolph." "I know the way" "I want to thank you all for having this sit-down." "We have wrinkles in the communication and collaboration departments." "I'm not pointing fingers." "You start pointing and someone gets poked." "It's not my intention to try and poke either of you." "Burke Bennett." "He has experience facilitating in these situations." "I think he'll help us through this moment together." "Here's Burke!" "Sheldon." "you see this guy?" "Take a good look." "Because this guy saved your ass." "you'd be sitting in Kaplan's sucking club soda through a paper straw while your table at 21 was occupied by the new Marion Frank Stokes and his twat du jour." "Excuse me." "No excuse for you." "We've always made arrangements." "Why the fireworks?" "I'm holding the gunpowder." "I represent the man who created owns and controls every inch of Smoochy the Rhino." "You seem to forget... handed him a show when he couldn't sell his face." "a lot of people went out for that clinic gig." "They hired me...." "Let me untangle this web." "I don't care if his last job was juggling apples for Pygmies in the Congo." "This man fits the bill and you need him." "He'll get what he deserves." "exactly?" "To the star and new executive producer of The Smoochy Show." "I'm still in shock." "Run me through this again." "I have complete creative control." "Veto power over merchandising." "Corporate penthouse." "Cushy." "I must be dreaming." "Think of it as the high life." "Get used to it." "You'll be pissing on $100 bills just to see the look on Franklin's face." "I couldn't." "I have too much respect for what he accomplished." "he's a good man." "What's this?" "Keep it down." "you snake?" "A graduation present." "Think of it as a tool of the trade." "I can't accept this." "No?" "I don't believe in guns." "Really?" "I was a Chinese rail worker." "it's a handy accessory to have in this business." "Let me get that for you." "boy." "don't talk to him or he'll stay here yakking all night." "Love that one." "the boxer?" "Fried beans." "You don't retire with an 81 -and-59 record and end up governor." "He's gotta be smart to run a place like this." "Spinner?" "He couldn't run a water faucet." "Tommy Cotter." "Heavy hitter." "they run the joint." "Irish mob." "How do you like that?" "Strawberries and...." "Here he comes." "I'm Spinner!" "Spinner." "I'm Spinner." "Right." "you know what I love?" "you know?" "The one you do during Silly Time?" "That's one of our big numbers." "You wanna see me do it?" "See you do the Jiggy Ziggy?" "Yeah!" "Sometime." "I'll do it for you here." "watch." "senator." "Sure." "I love you so much." "I love you too." "I'm Spinner." "Right." "Spinner." "Come here and meet the senator." "You go ahead." "It was a real honor." "Smoochy's here!" "That's nice for you." "Wait till I tell my folks I met Spinner Dunn." "The one and only." "Seems like a sweet guy." "Smoochy." "I'll be right back after I take a dump." "kid." "there's air in the pipes." "How are you fixing it?" "he'll come around." "He has to get a taste of how we do things." "we get old and die." "Sometimes "old" doesn't happen." "I'm doing my best." "The network is watching closely." "son." "and soon." "he might need a little coaching." "Frank." "You got plenty of time to sweat." "it's Randolph." "It's been a long time." "Randy?" "Angie." "Fucking traitor!" "don't I?" "say it!" "Rhinette." "Say it. "I am a Krinkle Kid."" "Say it before God and all the bones of the saints!" "got that?" "!" "The Krinkle Kids are 10 feet under." "With you." "I missed you so much!" "Can I stay here?" "I got no place else to go." "They kicked me out of the penthouse." "Sons of bitches." "That's how I got this." "threats against my life." "I got the whole world up my fucking ass!" "baby." "Angie!" "Stop doing this." "Don't piss your life away." "Angie." "The devil sent him from hell to destroy me." "Smoochy is the face of evil." "Sheldon." "Mr. Mopes." "Thanks a lot." "let me get that for you." "let me know." "I gotta work tonight." "I can't." "I'll come Sunday." "Okay." "That's" "I want to talk to you for a little bit." "can I call you back?" "Some asshole's screaming at me." "Thanks." "Bye." "Yeah?" "You didn't have to get off." "you'd still be here." "I am." "I'm hoping to correct that." "Nora." "I can understand it might feel a little awkward for you... now that the power has changed." "I still value your input." "And I consider you a partner." "Never." "Even if I live to be 1000 and see the second coming of Christ." "I know we're not partners yet." "Let's make a game plan." "or go on a retreat!" "alone." "exchanging ideas." "Let's plant the seeds of a collaboration." "Plant this!" "Nora has anyone ever suggested to you that yoga... could loosen you up?" "hippie!" "You get out!" "You get out!" "you uptight...." "I'm gonna halt here." "tired." "I won't get sucked into your negative energy." "Want me?" "I'll be in my office." "It's the big one." "With a view." "dumbshit!" "Not looking this way!" "Don't shut my door!" "Hey...." ""Have a long and healthy run." "Burke."" "My own patch of wheat grass." "Morning!" "Congrats on the bump." "Spinner has taken a real shine to you." "Smoochy that."" "That's nice." "I like Spinner." "He's very sweet for such a big fella." "Can you give him a little floor space?" "Floor space?" "A part on the show." "You're the executive producer." "right?" "I do." "television is a very complicated medium." "Not just anybody can be a success at it." "I like Spinner." "But his chances on television are as good as mine in the ring with him." "Know what I'm saying?" "It'd be painful." "This makes me very sad." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "I'm just very sad right now." "Tommy?" "I don't like to mention names." "I just remembered." "We got a part Spinner would be perfect for." "That's the solution." "You're a good boy." "We remember favors." "boys." "Okay." "Thanks for stopping by." "Hello?" "Better grow eyes on the back of your head." "I won't sleep until worms are crawling up your ass!" "motherfucker!" "Safari!" "Gee whiz." "What a day!" "Do you ever knock?" "Congratulations on your ice show." "Sellout!" "What are you talking about?" "and how you're a phony like all the rest." ""I'm Smoochy." "I don't care about money." "It's about a good show without bells and whistles."" "You look good with your foot stuck in your mouth." "Jam it in there nice and tight." "What happened to your precious integrity?" "Or is that just part of your dog-and-pony show?" "I never agreed to a show!" "Do you realize the shekels we can take in?" "These things represent everything I'm against." "Mindless spectacles whose purpose is peddling overpriced sugar water and cheap plastic toys that splinter and get lodged in some kid's septum." "Where's our dignity?" "I know you got an ethics fetish." "buddy." "But you can make a dent." "No one has ever refused an ice show." "Until now." "Smoochy doesn't sell out." "That's it!" "You should be proud to have a client who can say that." "I'm doing backflips." "in an awkward sort of way?" "It sure was!" "right?" "buddy." "I'm gonna go get drunk now." "be careful." "nice job." "Casting mental patients." "I like that." "he's not a mental patient." "He's a nightclub owner and an ambassador for his sport." "He just has the sweet disposition of a 5-year-old." "And a cousin named Tommy Cotter." "At least he's got a sense of humor!" "That's more than I can say for some people." "What?" "there." "How are you doing?" "Get in." "That's okay." "I'll grab a cab." "rhino." "How do you like that?" "Merv Green." "Nice to meet you." "Ever try saying that without the gun?" "I represent the Parade of Hope." "Maybe you've heard of us." "You raise money for hospitals." "We've added a brick or two." "There's talk that you're pulling out of the ice show." "True?" "" because I never agreed to do a show." "Nor would I ever agree to do a show and how is that your concern?" "The Parade of Hope has sponsored every ice show since 1964." "everyone's happy." "So let's not buck history!" "I have no interest in doing a show!" "let me out and we can say happy trails." "Can I have the far corner?" "Smoochy raises his baton for Parade of Hope." "I want it all." "You can pull over." "I suggest you shop for skates." "This is unacceptable!" "I'm calling the authorities!" "Don't." "Rat on them and you'll be lucky to find your toenails." "They're the roughest charity." "You haven't been listening!" "I was threatened by an organization that's supposed to help children." "What kind of world is this?" "The real one." "My advice?" "Consider the ice show and stay healthy." "how do you like that?" "Hi." "What did I do now?" "Can I come in?" "Sure." "Everything okay?" "I'm drunk." "Not that I want to make you feel bad... you're consuming empty calories." "I came here to apologize." "Really?" "Yes." "And on these rare occasions when I feel the need to apologize it helps if I'm shitfaced." "I'm supposed to feel honored?" "I may have been harsh the other day." "A little out of line." "no-talent hack." "You're not doing the ice show?" "No." "Now I know what they're about." "Why didn't you tell me?" "I don't want to spoil all your fun." "You get such a sparkly glow when you berate me in front of everyone else." "I may have become a bit hardened over the years." "I bet." "Sincerity is an easy disguise." "It's hard to know who's on the level." "That's true." "I've been learning a lot about that myself lately." ""Sometimes light is really dark." "Sometimes crows can sing like larks."" ""Sometimes winter feels like spring." "Don't think you know everything."" "Rickets the Hippo?" "You remember him?" "he was the one face I could trust." "He was my inspiration to work in kids TV." "Me too!" "I took an anger management class in college we had to name a person representing love and patience." "I named him." "He's the reason I created Smoochy!" "I don't believe this!" "they look at me weird." "He was the best!" "You remember the Klunky-Wunky?" "I did it for my first Holy Communion." "Get out!" "You did not!" "Yes!" "like...." "From me to you" "I should go." "Wait." "Stay a while." "I got Rickets on tape." "It's late." "You sure?" "I got some fennel tea." "We can hang out." "You should get that." "Bye." "It's okay." "I'll see you down at the store." "Hello?" "Mr." "Mopes?" "I'm Benjamin McKnucklepeck." "I'm calling from Parents for Decency in Children's TV." "Have you heard of us?" "but that's an issue close to my heart." "I was just talking to" "Tomorrow we're having a banquet." "We'd be honored if you performed." "We want to present a plaque to you for your commitment to children's TV." "The presenter will be a young orphan with mild asthma." "Can you attend?" "I'd be happy to." "That'd be great." "See you then." "I want to thank you for picking me up." "No worries." "A chance to have Smoochy at our soirée I'd stick my willie in a nest of funnelwebs if I had to." "That sounds extreme." "Just try a "please."" "You're funny!" "There's vodka and chips back there if you're hungry." "but food like that can lower your chi." "I've never eaten Korean food." "Thanks for the information." "That's why the wee ones love your show." "You can learn and laugh at the same time." "Rainbow Randy." "I think." "Randolph!" "That's the scoundrel." "Probably gay too." "What did you say?" "you know?" "The old...." "I don't know about his sleeping disorders." "alcohol and anger to name a few." "What do you mean?" "I feel sorry for him." "He has issues." "But don't you take a particular glee in the fact you stole his time slot and you're shoveling dirt on his corpse?" "No." "I wouldn't take pleasure in someone's misfortune." "I thought he was pretty talented." "admit it!" "Where did you say you're from?" "The wee ones are ready for you." "I'm ready." "Give me my ax." "Here we go." "Let's shake a stick." "This is really exciting for me." "Me too." "I never played in a tractor parts warehouse." "We keep it no-frills." "It's all about the wee ones." "Great attitude." "I wish more people felt that way." "Know what my motto is?" "Something inane." "but you can make a dent."" "Don't worry." "You're going to make a dent." "Go out there and hook a horn!" "Thanks!" "Auf Wiedersehen." "New Jersey!" "kids!" "Sing along if you know it." "we all got friends You've got me and I got you we all need friends It's our pals that get us through" "If I had a dollar For every friend I've made" "You know it's a little hard to sing to your friends when you can't see them." "Could we just kill that spot and bring the houselights up?" "Heil Smoochy!" "I hope I'm dreaming." "Freeze!" "This is an unlawful assembly!" "Hands on your head." "Line up!" "Do you read Mein Kampf?" "Is Smoochy code for "white power"?" "Is Adolf Hitler your personal hero?" "I don't hate anybody!" "You don't hate Nazis?" "How does it feel to be a racist scumbag?" "the rhino's now extinct." "The Smoochy slot will be safely occupied by cartoon reruns." "nipple-nibbler." "The rhino's a Nazi." "The rhino is screwed-o The rhino is screwed" "Nora!" "Nora!" "It's me." "I gotta talk to you." "There's nothing to say." "They're calling me fascist." "I'm being compared unfavorably with Goebbels." "Hey." "If the jackboot fits...." "You believe what they're saying?" "I don't have to." "The picture said it all." "That was a setup." "I'm telling you!" "This Fetalkunkle guy said it was for kids." "I had no idea it was a Nazi rally." "You'd think the 50-foot swastika might have given you a hint." "That was later." "The light was in my eyes." "It was like a nightmare." "Suddenly...." "Wham!" "Smooch Heil!"" "I need your help." "I'm in a pickle here." "okay?" "What?" "Not really." "Don't expect me to go out on an emotional limb here." "Nora...." "Nora!" "What about the Klunky-Wunky dance?" "I was drunk." "Don't read too much into it." "the well's dried up." "City shut her down." "Bastards will slap a new pair of tits on the Statue of Liberty but they won't help a poor hophead." "Just once I wish I had a little clout." "I'd set things straight in this town." "Believe me." "Hell of a world." "Hell of a world." "What do you want?" "Can you spare 60 seconds for a smiley old face from your past?" "kitten." "Here's the good news." "You and Frank are in a bind." "I'd be happy to end my sabbatical and come back." "I could start Monday." "No meat." "When did you become a vegetarian?" "Call costumes and props and tell them that the old R-man is back." "Ready to start whistling tunes for the kids." "Whose toes you gotta suck to get a drink?" "You got three seconds to pry your ass off my couch." "You need someone for that slot and I'm here to reclaim what's mine." "you're a criminal and a scumbag." "Have you forgotten what we once had?" "That was a long time ago." "I was young and stupid." "I'll never know." "and I didn't love you." "We could have worked through that." "Nora!" "The public is clamoring for me." "I'm a patriot compared to Mopes." "He's a Nazi and gay." "He was checking me out in the car." "What's that mean?" "What?" "He was checking you out in what car?" "you know?" "Kind of a homosexual Nazi vibe." "Something that emanates from the TV." "What's with the costume?" "Big erect horn." "You're talking fast." "Nora." "Were you at that rally?" "You had something to do with this?" "Did you set Sheldon up?" "I know why we broke up now." "bitch!" "I miss Smoochy." "He couldn't have done the things they say he done." "He ain't no Nazi." "I want Smoochy back." "I wanna be on the TV again." "I wanna play my cowbell." "Has Burke been here tonight?" "Haven't seen him." "Can I help you?" "It's about Sheldon." "Sheldon?" "what about Sheldon?" "asshole!" "Read the fucking meter another time!" "Mr. Rainbow." "How lovely to see you in the flesh." "Come here." "You wanna tell me about the rhino?" "This is private property." "You're fucking trespassing." "go give Mr. Smiley a little backrub." "Start yakking." "What are you talking about?" "You're violating my" "You spud-sucking fucks!" "I'm suing your Riverdance ass!" "I'll send you all the way back home!" "Tommy." "I did it." "It was me." "It was all me." "Thank God we cleared that up without further violence." "it's Randolph." "How is it being the most hated man in America?" "it's an honor." "Nora says you have an obsession with Mopes." "I barely know her." "She's been down on everything." "She spreads like cream cheese." "What about rumors that you're crazy?" "That's bullshit!" "I'm on the same dosage I've always been." "Between my client's dwindling cash flow and mounting legal fees he's sinking into a depression." "Who grabbed my ass?" "Get away!" "Don't touch me!" "Very nice." "I've been shot!" "I'm bleeding!" "That's salmonella!" "Someone touched my ass." "I want room to breathe." "Back off !" "it's crazy out there." "Listen I wanted to say I'm sorry." "I'm sorry I didn't believe you." "I got swept up in the frenzy of anti-Smoochyism." "It's a house of mirrors." "You can't always tell what you're looking at." "Yeah." "I wouldn't be here." "Thanks." "Good." "Five minutes." "Thanks." "but thanks anyway." "It means "good luck."" "Ladies and gentlemen... who's your favorite rhino?" "Smoochy!" "You guys are the greatest!" "kids." "Thanks a lot." "It's great to be back home with you." "I know I was away for too long." "You probably heard I went through rough times." "Life outside the Magic Jungle can get pretty complicated." "A lot of ugliness and injustice." "that just isn't always enough." "it is hard not to get frustrated." "Maybe even start feeling a little bitter." "I'll just say it." "it'll make you flat-out mad." "boys and girls?" "When that pressure starts building to where I feel I won't be able to take it anymore?" "And this rhino might have to put hurt on someone?" "You know what I do then?" "I howl!" "That's right." "I take all the things I don't like and I let out a big howl." "Come on and howl with me now." "Howl it out!" "Take all that frustration inside ball it up and let it out in a howl!" "kids." "I feel much better now." "So who wants to do the Jiggy Ziggy?" "did we miss him." "Shut up!" "Bad." "Very bad." "Too much for brain." "Pressure building." "His popularity is stronger than ever...." "I despise you!" "I loathe you!" "Bastard son of Barney!" "you son of fluff !" "lllegitimate Teletubby!" "Muppet from hell!" "you foam motherfucker!" "What are you doing?" "That's a picture-in-picture!" "It was an accident." "I want you out of here!" "Where am I supposed to go?" "Put your slippers on and get out!" "Please!" "I need help!" "I don't care anymore." "I helped you." "You abused it." "pal." "I been practicing and practicing." "I'm getting good at it." "You want to see me march?" "but you're going to anyway." "You gotta love him." "the good news." "I've given it thought and decided I am gonna do the ice show." "Now I got a bar mitzvah boy!" "That's a great decision." "I realized it's a crime to waste your power." "Rock bottom is a college education." "Ready for the really good news?" "I'm doing it myself." "no crooks." "Not one dirty hand will touch this." "No one's gonna make a penny off of these kids." "The Smoochy on Ice show will be squeaky clean." "they will be provided by me." "And for free." "organic smoothies." "Everything healthy." "Wanna hear the best part?" "I'm holding my breath." "Half the profits will go to rebuild the Coney Island Drug Clinic!" "Are you telling me you wanna give away half the profits?" "Not half." "All." "All the profits!" "The other half we use to fund education programs." "Big junkies come from little junkies." "We'll nip it in the bud." "You can't do a show and cut out the vendors." "Not the Parade of Hope." "It's suicide." "it's not." "You're the one who taught me." "you make the rules." "I'm feeling strong right now." "I got my clout back and I'm gonna use it." "Make it happen." "help me." "He's banging this thing from morning till night." "but I got a headache from me eyes to me ass." "but I owe you." "I'll see what I can do." "Give him something else to do on the show." "chime or honk." "Bless you." "Save the rhino!" "Save the rhino!" "Save the rhino!" "Save the rhino!" "The African black rhino." "Here you go." "Thank you." "make a donation!" "Thank you very much." "Save the rhino--!" "I need saving!" "Not that ottoman with a hood ornament!" "Save the Rainbow!" "Your client's put me in a hazardous situation." "A situation Merv Green holds me accountable for." "Enough said." "Rhino's got me in a box with no ventilation!" "I feel for you." "What can I do about it?" "I bring you in." "On everything." "down the middle." "Even ice shows." "We got a chance to get back on track." "We gotta get rid of the rhino." "The good old days." "Pre-rhinoceros." "Let me noodle it." "No one freezes me out." "I don't care how many clinics he's saving." "We gotta deal with this." "Rhino's out of control." "You're aggravating me." "I'm here to educate." "Stokes will get an education on the pH balance of the East River." "This is about Mopes." "The rhino's become a menace." "He's talking to people he shouldn't." "That's an ugly string of words." "He thinks he'll clean up our business." "partner." "we have a serious problem." "This is a story about a venomous rhino and his aggressive campaign... denigrate and villainize my good name!" "But the one thing he can't do is take away my life." "Only I can do that." "Smoochy did this to me." "I can no longer live in a world where the innocent suffer and the wicked thrive!" "my friends." "Don't try and talk me out of this." "You won't see another Rainbow Randolph in this lifetime." "Smoochy!" "You did this to me!" "No!" "Rainbow Randolph?" "It's okay." "It's Smoochy!" "Come on!" "it's Smoochy." "Let's go." "I love you!" "God!" "What does it all mean?" "!" "he stomps his feet" "Sends me to bed with zilch to eat" "But my stepdad's not mean He's just adjusting" "His temper's bad and he's a slob He's bitter cause he lost his job" "But my stepdad's not mean He's just adjusting" "So three cheers for the man That I proudly call Stan" "He's not quite a dad or a brother he's the boss" "And besides he takes care of my mother" "Be patient with new friends like Stan" "It's tough to be Mom's second man" "But your stepdad's not mean He's just adjusting a stepdad is a lot like a new puppy." "They need patience while they adjust to their surroundings." "if he's ever abusive to you or Mommy what are the magic numbers?" "911!" "That's right!" "I am very excited to introduce a surprise visitor to Jungle Land!" "all the way from the Lalwood Downs Rhino Preserve..." "Moochy!" "Mooch!" "You big drink of water!" "How are you?" "Thanks for coming all this way!" "Say hello to the boys and girls out there." "My name is Moochy." "we've established that." "This costume's making my nuts itch." "That was so much fun!" "did you do great!" "And the ice show is gonna be so much fun!" "I'm gonna skate out in circles and then I'm falling on my ass!" "aren't you?" "back in the arena... and they're just cheering it's gonna be like...." "It's gonna be like heaven." "champ." "I love you." "buddy." "I'll go to the locker room... and you.... okay." "All right." "He's excited about the ice show." "I've been reading so much about it." "We're getting a lot of ink." "It's great." "what you're doing." "Thanks." "You inspired me to use my juice to put that together." "I really do appreciate that." "Good." "Thanks." "yeah?" "I don't know what was going on with the.... really clicking." "Yeah." "Yeah." "You're not full of shit like the others?" "You're for real?" "Totally!" "I couldn't tell." "I thought it was an act." "And then I just thought you were a simp or something!" "It's understandable." "There was the whole Nazi thing!" "I forgive you for that." "What round is it?" "Former heavyweight contender Lawrence "Spinner" Dunn was found shot to death in a rhinoceros outfit early this morning." "How'd you hit the wrong rhino?" "Who knew he had a cousin?" "They're identical." "Moochy's burgundy!" "Read a paper!" "You have to go back to kindergarten?" "!" "All you said was hit the rhino." "rhino." "Your time will come!" "He wanted to be in the show so bad." "Stop torturing yourself." "Spinner." "I'm so sorry." "Shel." "I know." "I guarantee that fucking Randolph has seen his last rainbow." "We'll cut off his balls and shove them up his ass!" "Maybe we should leave it for the cops." "Cops won't do the ball thing." "Against policy." "this was meant for you." "we go!" "nothing!" "no one's touching a hair on you!" "Spinner would've wanted it that way." "Poor Spinner." "boys." "Let's go pray and get shitfaced." "you do that." "okay?" "Roy." "What would Jesus do?" "How long was Randolph in your apartment?" "officer." "Smoochy?" "Tommy's here!" "Tommy and her boys are here." "You sure?" "The cops have a lot of evidence against Randolph." "We investigated ourselves." "Cousin lan from down at the morgue." "You met him at the wake." "See the neck?" "Snapped like a twig." "Animals." "Parade of Hope." "They like to sign the tab." "What's that guy's name over there?" "Merv Green." "This is one tab they should have left blank." "I knew he was a jizz-bag when he grabbed my ass at Feed the Children." "Mr. Green will get a first-class ride through the justice system." "It's all taken care of." "How do you mean?" "a man's got to answer for his indiscretions." "It was a mistake." "An honest mistake." "I was just trying to help the children!" "of course!" "You know fairy tales then." "Tell him the one about the prick that gets his head chopped off with an ax!" "No!" "I don't feel so good about this all of a sudden." "that's definitely more information than I care to have at this point." "I'm having second thoughts." "I can't do it!" "it's all good." "They found Merv's head in the Grand Concourse." "We'll take the whole ball of wax." "Going in with Buggy Ding Dong's a mistake!" "the rhino's dead." "We light up the Macanudos!" "Relax!" "Where is our guest of honor?" "Our smack addict?" "It'll be fine!" "We're relying on a smack addict." "Terrific." "man." "I fell asleep at the bus station." "Buggy." "Excuse me if I smell like piss." "You know how it is." "God help us." "You want a drink?" "Vodka." "I do this thing tonight and the spot's mine?" "With a bow on it." "we gotta put it to rest." "The rhino is up way past his bedtime." "Buggy?" "right?" "We're set?" "Sure." "Look at all the pretty lights." "Every cop's looking for you." "You have to stay put." "I wanted to be a priest." "I know." "Do you believe in angels?" "I saw one in Times Square." "This little angel with curls." "She was the only one that cared about me." "She saved my life." "You don't want to kill yourself." "You know that." "Perhaps it's time to heal." "Admit that Smoochy has won and gracefully march forward." "I'm proud of you." "Did you bring lunch?" "Chicken and stars?" "Just like you asked." "May I have some?" "For a smile." "Attaboy!" "I got you some crossword puzzles and stuff to read." "You okay?" "now my girl." "She's not your girl anymore." "The balls on that fuchsia fuck!" "I'll tear him apart!" "Piece by piece!" "Piece by piece!" "You said it's time to heal." "Stop it." "hoof by hoof !" "Horn by horn!" "now and forever!" "What happened to marching forward?" "Motherfucker!" "Yeah." "Can I help you?" "Nora." "Buggy?" "no see." "What are you doing?" "I got business with Stokes." "yeah?" "Yeah!" "He's gonna put me back on the air." "He's gonna give me a shot." "I'm gonna take the rhino's place." "What are you talking about?" "Buggy Ding Dong shall rise again." "or some other town in Arizona." "baby." "Dracula!" "Keep in touch." "Keep in touch." "Stokes cut a deal with Buggy for the Smoochy slot." "the host of Buggy's Bumpy Railroad?" "Until he discovered the joys of black mule heroin." "Why would Stokes replace Smoochy with a smack addict?" "I don't know." "because my head is swimming." "What's up?" "!" "Two for the price of one!" "How convenient." "How serendipitous." "Get the fuck out of here!" "You eat with that mouth?" "Buddha!" "I had her first." "baby." "now you gots to pay." "asshole!" "Wanna explain what this is about?" "Didn't she tell you of the love we once had?" "yet experimental." "you've lost your mind." "Nora!" "You were such a hot little brood mare." "Does the bridle still fit?" "Watch it" "Experiments?" "I've had firmer handshakes." "but it's fierce!" "Hold the phone here." "Are you telling me this is true?" "You and him?" "yeah." "How do you like that?" "You're just an action figure for her collection." "Shut up before I jaw you again." "missy!" "Tell him about Jingle Jackson." "You dated Jingle Jackson too?" "She used to like to play with his bells." "What about Wally the Whale?" "How could you do it with Wally?" "There she blows!" "I can't believe you didn't tell me about this." "I'm not proud of it." "But there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie." "I feel dizzy." "This has nothing to do with us!" "You're different." "It was another time." "I was another woman." "You've shown me a world that I never thought could exist." "Really?" "Yes." "What the fuck am I watching here?" "Your little soap opera?" "Shut up!" "This is my show!" "Do you know the power of a condemned man?" "I don't think you want to hurt anyone here." "Martha!" "Look what you've done to this place." "it was Bob Fosse!" "I had a painting of a naked chick holding a plant." "no bush." "Not a picture of your mother!" "so just cool your jets!" "Mother Teresa." "Tell that to the mob outside." "They want my ass!" "aisle three!" "We'll go to the police tomorrow." "I'll explain everything." "Randolph." "young Moses!" "I am Pharaoh!" "And you are my slave." "And this is my kingdom!" "he is he is laugh there fun" "Rainbow Randolph is the king" "Get the gun." "What?" "Get the gun." "You're hurting me!" "You wanna go down in flames?" "The flames are too hot!" "They're driving me mad!" "kill me!" "finish me off !" "I'm nothing!" "Put me out of my misery." "all right?" "misguided and you got issues with sexual identity." "But you're Rainbow Randolph." "That's worth something." "You've made a lot of children happy." "Will you be my friend?" "Sure." "I love you both." "You're going down to their level." "I'm just wising up." "She's right." "Don't make the same mistake I did." "Keep your dignity." "My balls!" "They're on fire!" "I appreciate everybody's concern." "But I know what I'm doing." "I tried." "We gotta get to the arena for the show." "You can stay here as long as you like." "You'll be safe." "You've got a good man there." "Just rest." "He's the real thing." "You're the real thing." "Thanks." "I'm a fraud." "A wicked man who's done wicked acts." "it's like the song says:" ""We all got our bad days."" "Buggy." "Angelo." "What are you doing?" "!" "I thought you cleaned up!" "I did." "I cleaned up half the poppies in Asia." "Can I get a pretzel?" "If that's what you want." "With mustard." "Everything's free." "Here you go." "Salt." "our pretzels are salt-free." "We should call it off." "I can't." "There's a lot of kids and junkies out there who are counting on me." "I got a job to do." "wish me luck." "is that you?" "What will you wear to the show?" "I hope a thong." "Buggy's been here." "The Dong man?" "He broke in and lifted my backstage pass." "He's doing a job for Burke." "Gonna get a show after the rhino's gone." "He's higher than a prom dress in June." "I got a bad feeling about this." "No shit." "I have to go to the show." "The cops will jump on you like a trampoline." "Burke and Ding Dong equals trouble." "I have to save the rhino." "Randy!" "America's favorite rhino." "Ladies and gentlemen... here's Smoochy!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "For myself and the soon- to-be-restored methadone clinic I want to thank you all for being here." "hooray." "You all came here to hear your favorite Smoochy songs... something personal to me." "I've told you how important it is to be honest about your feelings." "If I didn't share with you what I've been feeling and going through... would I?" "I'm going on a journey today and I hope you'll come along." "You need your true friends by your side." "This is for Spinner." "Smoochy!" "It's Rainbow Randolph!" "I just look like him." "I'm trying to save a friend from a deranged junkie." "For the kids?" "Okay." "Friends come in all sizes." "Excuse me." "Smoochy." "you bastard!" "Give me the gun!" "I've gotta kill him!" "Get off of me!" "Give me that gun!" "It's Buggy!" "What do we do now?" "Survival of the fittest." "It's Buggy!" "That's Randolph!" "you fucking junkie!" "I never saw Venice!" "You okay?" "so it's hard to gauge." "he set you up!" "He tried to kill you!" "There he is!" "He's getting away!" "wait!" "it's Smoochy!" "it's Smoochy!" "Stop him!" "it's Smoochy!" "Smoochy!" "You pull a gun on me?" "A gun I gave you as a gift?" "Where's your etiquette?" "I'll tell you a secret about a gun." "What?" "You have to cock it." "shithead!" "Don't you move!" "You okay?" "Yeah." "You...." "Take it easy." "You were my agent." "How could you set me up like that?" "It was circumstances." "Circumstances?" "You killed Spinner!" "It was a mistake." "I wish I could turn back time." "you son of a bitch!" "Get up!" "Get up and look at me!" "You gonna shoot me?" "Yeah." "Not very Smoochy-like." "I don't feel very Smoochy-like right now." "Wait." "Let me tell you something." "You fucked with the wrong rhino." "No!" "halt!" "Don't do it!" "stay out of this." "Don't destroy who you are for this piece of shit." "Give me the gun." "what am I doing?" "now." "That's it." "I'm sorry." "I don't know how I let myself get pushed so far." "darling." "Come on." "Let's go away." "What should we do about these guys?" "we'll deal with them." "You won't do anything extreme?" "Even a rat deserves mercy." "Off you go." "Thanks a lot." "my ass!" "We're in deep shit." "Deep shit." "You boys ever traveled together before?" "you know?" "You helped give it a little more polish." "You think?" "Thanks." "Smooch." "The show's over." "it isn't." "It's just beginning." "together for the first time... ladies and gentlemen... please welcome Smoochy the Rhino and Rainbow Randolph!"