"♪♪" "♪ Gonna have some kind Of dreams ♪" "♪ Gonna be a slow poke" "♪ I know Living so far away ♪" "♪ I'm leaving the sky today" "♪ Ay ay ay ay" "♪ Day wah" "ANNOUNCER (O.S.):" "Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Hello!" "Yes!" "Come on, guys!" "Yes!" "It's a good thing!" "No, Jonah, me and you, both do it!" "I'm not" " I can't." "It's a powerful gesture." "I can't do that." "We're excited!" "No, I can not do that." "We're gonna send it all the way back there!" "Please stop!" "Hi... everyone!" "Stop it!" "Hi!" "Please stop." "Don't!" "No, it's fun!" "It is fun, that's why a lot of people got into it... but the craze is over." "It feels so powerful, like you-- Don't say powerful or power." "No!" "Don't say those words with that movement." "It's like, you know, power!" "I can't..." "I can't do that." "Yeah, it's like, "Might!" "Power!" Tell them please, sit down." "I feel like" " I feel like I could do some things." "I feel like I could get some" "What can you do, Kumail?" "I feel like I can organize people and..." "Agh!" "get them behind an idea, even though it might sound crazy." "But is it so crazy when I do this?" "No!" "Stop doing that!" "Hey, there's my friend Kyle!" "Hey, Kyle!" "Hey, Kyle!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "It looks horrible." "No, it felt pretty good!" "What the fuck, dude?" "You were right!" "Listen, you were Reich and I was wrong." "I fucked up the intro, so I'm gonna do it over... because it's a TV show." "Sounds good." "Hey!" "Great to be here!" "No!" "We love this guy, he is one of our great friends and he's also a killer comedian." "Please, everybody, welcome Hampton Yount." "My name is Hampton Yount." "It's the dumbest name I've ever heard." "So, how do you think I feel?" "Living with that every day of my life." "My name is Hampton Parker Yount." "It's the whitest name-- it's the second whitest name I've actually found." "The first white name is Mitt Romney." "Then Hampton Parker Yount, then Benedict Cumberbatch." "I was raised really Catholic, and like, I didn't masturbate until I was 19." "because I just thought, like the minute you masturbate, you go to hell." "Like a trap door goes under." "You're like, "I'm sorry!"" "You just fall down." "So, I remember the night I became an atheist... which is me in bed at night, just like rock, hard erection." "Just like-- (GROANS)" "It's probably bullshit... ugh!" "And then, that's how it all happened, man." "Like, you can believe whatever you want." "Don't force it on anybody." "Like I-- like a week ago... somebody put a picture of a dead baby... underneath my windshield wiper." "It was like a Christian group." "I was like, "Okay, I don't need coffee now."" "And it was an anti-abortion pamphlet, I think." "Like I didn't check." "That'd be weird if that was a pro-abortion pamphlet." "Like, "Yeah, a dead baby." "Like, what are you gonna say?"" "Like, "You interested?" "Want to try."" "I didn't read it, like the cover just made me laugh... before I threw it off my car." "And it said, "Abortion kills three lives every second!"" "And I say it like that, because it had like five exclamation points... and like a bunch of other frowny faces like-- you get it." "And I was like, wait, I remember always hearing that fact... a person is born every second." "Are you saying without abortion four people would be born every second?" "Thank god for abortion!" "I fucking hate people!" "I just feel bad for abortion doctors now, don't you?" "Like having to keep up with that crazy workload." "Like if he was like in I Love Lucy... where she's in the chocolate factory... like trying to kill all the babies." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "These babies are everywhere!" "What a silly place." "I think I would believe in the Greek and Roman gods." "Like if I had a choice." "I grew up reading about those stories." "It always made a lot of sense to me." "The Greek and Roman gods were all related to each other." "And they would just fuck each other... and fuck over each other and have like weird, murder-revenge plots." "And like turn into animals and fuck each other." "They were just like if rednecks fucked the Justice League... and people prayed to them." "I think that Greek and Roman gods make so much more sense... when bad things are happening in your life, right?" "Your wife cheats on you with your best friend." "Takes the kids, takes every dime you've ever made... and you're like, "Oh, what god would allow this?"" "It's like, Zeus!" "Zeus would totally allow that." "You'd never have these huge, metaphysical questions like..." ""What god would allow war?"" "The god of war." "You know, everyone's not proud of everything they've ever done." "But my people, we have a spotless record." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, what have we" "What's your take on the British?" "Get out!" "This is our home!" "Okay, what's your take on India?" "Oh, friends, we're neighbors." "Wait, that's-- your voice went real high." "Let's get along!" "Give us back Kashmir, hah-hah." "Yeah." "They steal your sweater?" "Huh?" "What did you say?" "Did they steal your sweater?" "Sweater?" "Ugh." "I don't know anything about politics." "White people, right?" "Oh, no." "Yeah." "Wrong crowd." "Yeah." "Hey!" "Hey, what's up?" "That was not good, what you did." "You pointed out at the non-white people in the crowd." "How did that feel?" "Feels good, right?" "Feels real good." "Now couple that with this." "I felt so better." "And you're on your way!" "Hey!" "Okay, so go back, who are you wearing?" "Who am I wearing?" "Yeah." "Urban Outfitters Men's section, yo!" "Vintage vest that I found in..." "Denver?" "Telluride?" "Telluride." "I don't know." "I always buy vests, wherever I travel." "Just looking out at you guys, it's pretty hot in here, isn't it?" "It's hot." "It's late" " I don't know if you guys had time for dinner." "some of you guys might have come straight from work." "And I can just kind of see like you're chewing gum... and I wonder if that's like a hunger thing." "I actually don't feel comfortable continuing the show... without you guys having a little bit to eat." "Is that-- would that feel good for you?" "I just feel like, is there any-- can anybody on the show" "If there's anything that you guys can find, like a cookie." "Just literally anything, if there's soup, just loose soup poured in their hands." "Just whatever, okay, wait, what is that?" "What do you guys have?" "Doughnuts." "Oh, doughnuts, okay, great, yeah, great." "I'll just actually" "That's wonderful." "There you go." "You get two of them." "If there's like an extra, I'll take it, you know, for" "Oh, you want to give me half?" "Great." "Thank you." "Did you bite this?" "I did not." "Can you?" "Go for it!" "You guys, I'm not gonna make any promises to you." "I'm not gonna promise that I'm gonna have a baby." "But I want you to know, that if I do... at least, for once in my goddamn life... my period would not be completely fucking useless to me." "Yeah, because, you guys, I have never had a pregnancy scare." "So it's never been a relief to get it." "And now when I said "period", there were possibly some of you... that got a little weirded out, especially the gentlemen." ""Oh, disgusting!"" "Well, I don't believe you've ever had an honest conversation with a woman." "Yeah, because if you think periods are disgusting... you have no idea... how disgusting periods actually are." "I wake up in the night and I am bleeding a crime scene!" "Into my bed!" "And no one else is around, I gotta get up and process it." "I gotta take it, put it in plastic bags... and send it to the lab and see who did it, and it's always me!" "I'm the victim and the perpetrator every time!" "All right, good." "What are you guys doing here?" "Are you on the show tonight?" "No, we're dropping in, man." "You're just hanging out?" "You're inside of the show." "I like that." "Right, that's right." "Yeah, you know." "All right, I'm gonna go write a bit that fits this outfit." "I have a question." "I know you guys don't want to do anything onstage... so just feel free to say "no" to this." "We have an idea, where you guys just go up as me and Jonah... and just introduce the next comedians." "You wouldn't do any material, you'd just go up, pretend to be me and Jonah." "Would we like, no joke, put your shirts on?" "You could put my shirt on, you could put his shirt on." "Dude, putting your pants on, too, would be really funny." "Putting your whole outfits on." "Huh?" "If you're willing to take your clothes off, I'll do it." "Okay." "That mean we have to strip with all the cameras in here, too?" "No, we just put their clothes on, on top of our clothes." "They're dudes." "Oh, and it doesn't come out in an easy, pourable substance." "Chunks of my body are coming out of my body!" "My body is using my body to crush pieces of my body out of my body." "Every month, it's like a wolverine origin story that I somehow survive." "Sometimes the chunks are so large, the only logical response is to pick it up." "Hold it in my hand." "And marvel at it." "Oh, that's the size of a strawberry." "And this is not just happening to us in our beds." "This is happening to us on planes!" "We're feeling some interior turbulence!" "We're running to the bathroom, taking out a dirty thing, and shoving it in the wall... and taking out a clean thing, stuffing that in there, it hurts a lot!" "Now you're gonna sit in your seat for another three and a half more hours... trying to distract yourself with The Croods or whatever." "Yes... periods are disgusting." "But even more so, they deserve your respect!" "And we deserve your respect for surviving them!" "And if you didn't clap for that..." "I just want you to know, that I made you eat a fucking jelly doughnut... while I talked about my period." "And I hope that sticks with you... and puts you off jelly doughnuts forever!" "I feel like so normal, it's eerie." "It doesn't look" "Yours doesn't look weird." "I felt perfect." "Look like-- absolutely look like Kumail now." "It just looks like laundry day." "Just like" "Don't" " I'm up here!" "Don't go down there." "And everybody's putting their dicks in everybody's face." "It's like, "Okay, nobody forced you to do it." You know what I mean?" "I'm getting very nervous." "I haven't had an opportunity to really process the character." "Oh, please, just gesture a lot, and... soak it in." "The shoes are so funny." "Ahh..." "Ahh..." "You now have low self-esteem." "So do you." "Oh, no!" "Hey, you guys, hey!" "Whoo!" "Back to our regular scheduled program." "Whoa!" "Meltdown." "Oh, man, I can see you guys all so clearly." "It's great." "Oh, my god, Meltdown, what a staple in my life, you know?" "You know what I was just thinking about?" "I miss Hawaii... where I'm from." "I feel you." "Yeah, I just miss it." "As a Pakistani American, I understand." "I mean, I guess Hawaii is American, but like, I feel like my story is more American." "Did you know, I used to play punk slash rock?" "Oh, my god, I do, because we are good, old friends." "Did you give them this information?" "No." "I'm in a sharing mood." "Sometimes it's important for guys to be more vulnerable." "Right." "One of my first jobs was an interesting one." "I think I know the one." "Joe Genius!" "Joe Genius." "Um, you guys should um-- you should Bing it." "It-- yeah, you should Bing it." "Bing it, you guys." "Google Images Bing." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Or Bing Images Bing." "That's funny, that reminds me of one of my earliest cameos... on the TNT series Franklin and Bash." "Do you know what?" "It was good." "I-- sometimes I like Franklin more... and then I go back and I'm all Bash!" "I'm telling you." "I'm all Bash, all day." "Now." "You know, that was money for my craft, and I appreciate it." "Speaking of money, this is how I carry my stuff." "I just carry it like this in my pocket, because I'm like..." ""Life is short and I want to lose it all." I don't know." "I feel like it's feminine to write in a-- like a journal, so I do loose paper." "Yeah." "And never fold-- you can't fold that shit nicely." "No, it's like garbage, garbage." "No, crinkle it." "Got to get it crinkled." "You know what I love, is being married to a smart, strong woman." "Yeah." "I love that." "I fucking love that." "Me, too, man, I love my wife." "Me, too." "I love it." "I want to fucking go home, and just listen to her and then eat her out all night." "Yeah, yes!" "Right?" "The only reason I hate Meltdown... is that I'm not fucking my dope wife right now." "At this height, that I am?" "Yeah." "It's a whole other point of view of the world... that you guys will never understand." "It's like a different adventure." "As a more compact man" "No offense, but I feel like I've just like become whole." "You know what I mean?" "You're supposed to be like Gaston, from like Beauty and the Beast... which I didn't see when it came out, but um..." "I saw it years later and was like, "What?" Um..." "I love you on Silicon Valley, man." "Thank you, thank you so much." "I'm not jealous at all that you're on it." "That's what brotherly love is, you know?" "But you're great, you're real-- there's no denying it." "I am the funniest part." "Is your taint sweaty from this weather?" "Always." "Me, too." "Me, too." "I find like, my dick, my balls..." "Big, old balls." "and my taint are just always sweaty." "Yeah, it's just sort of like the hair gets like nappy after a while... and I'm like, "Do I comb it?" "Do I shave it?" You know?" "It's like" "If I met a guy who's wasn't, I'd be like, "Get out of here."" "Yeah, yeah." "If a guy doesn't have nappy taint fur, I'm like..." "It'd be like, "Get out right now."" ""get out of here!"" "I'm like, "Get out of here, guy." "What are you using detangler?" "Detangle spray on your taint fur?" "Get out of here." "Just keep it nappy, baby." "It's funny how sometimes when you wear glasses... uh, your whole life, sometimes they make you feel drunk." "Tonight a woman literally walked in my shoes." "Was literally back there, just in my underwear." "Yeah." "You know that feeling where you have, where you're like..." ""I don't know if this is the underwear I want to present to the world."" "I wear some underwear that's been around for a while." "You know, it's got stories to tell." "You can tell when a fellow performer... doesn't want to engage." "They've got to prepare..." "they're professionals." "You know, me, I'm loosey-goosey." "And it's hurt me." "You're seeing professionalism." "And who would have thought I'd learn something tonight." "And I want to say thank you for that." "You're welcome." "However, a true professional might have memorized this before this moment." "I want to tell you right now!" "I don't like city slickers, not one bit!" "And I'm hoping it will not negatively impact your enjoyment of my appearance... knowing how very much I hate you." "Yep, it's me, Dalton Wilcox..." "Poet Laureate of the West!" "In addition to being one of our nation's foremost cowboy poets..." "I am also very unfortunately plagued by vampires." "And also mummies... and ghosts, and sometimes creatures from the Black Lagoon." "I am hyper vigilant about monsters." "Now I'd like to read you one of my works of cowboy poetry." "This poem is called I One Time Killed a Frankenstein." "I one time killed a Frankenstein... whilst shopping in a store." "He lurched toward me, arms outstretched... as I ambled toward the door." "In my hands, a new bandana, a hat ten gallons deep." "In my body was a soul, which my body aimed to keep." "His voice was ghastly as he spoke in halting, monster speech." "As I tried with all my might to stay out of his reach." "He said, "You gotta pay for that."" "And filled my heart with dread." "And then I drew my six-gun and I shot the monster dead." "The news reports described the monster simply as a man." "To keep from terrifying folks as only a Frankenstein can." "I think I'll read you one more, because your time is not valuable to me." "This-- this one is called That Lonesome Cowboy." "I believe it is my most beloved poem." "A cowboy is a lonesome man, there is none more lonesome in all the land." "He rides atop his only friend... his horse a companion on whom he can depend." "His woman may be miles behind him... sadness and desperation may find him." "But a cowboy who's wise, will turn to the earth... to lend him solace and even mirth." "He'll dig a hole with cracked, scorched hands." "Pour in all the water that hole demands." "Until that hole is moist, just right." "The earth will never put up any kind of a fight." "His cries of joy no one will hear." "In case I am not being clear..." "I'm saying that cowboy is gonna fuck a hole in the ground." "We all do it, that's what I've found." "Any cowboy that knows that lonesome hell... can fashion a land virginy well." "If a cowboy's seed worked like other seeds... there'd be cowboys growing everywhere across the Plains like weeds." "Thank you." "Now of course, all poems are open to interpretation... but I'll tell you right now, that's a poem about fucking a hole in the ground." "Don't fuck with me!" "I'm Dalton Wilcox, goodnight!" "Thank you so much for coming to the Meltdown!" "Thanks for coming to the Meltdown, everybody!" "We thank you." "Hampton, I was on-- you have nothing to worry about!" "I did Meltdown last year, and I crushed it!" "Yes!" "Season One, Steven Brody Stevens!" "What about this year?" "I... didn't make the cut."