"(THEME SONG PLAYING)" "Well, there's 42 minutes of my life" "I'll never have back." "Just when I think" "Feeny's class can't get any more boring, feudalism." "I'm beyond bored." "I'm angry." "Feudalism?" "Uh-huh." "It's okay." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Have a nice weekend, Topanga." "You, too, Cory." "Shawn, did you hear how she said, "You, too, Cory"?" "I mean, there was coldness there." "There was not." "Nonsense!" "I could practically see her breath." "Shawn, why isn't she suffering as much as I am?" "Cory, she's suffering." "She's just doing it with something you know nothing about." "Feudalism?" "No." "Dignity." "Topanga's handling this breakup with dignity." "While you, Norton, are a train wreck." "I'm dignified." "You burst into tears every three, two, one..." "Stop exaggerating!" "(SNIFFLING)" "Cory!" "Who carries these things around?" "What did you do?" "Dig up your grandfather and pick his pocket?" "It's Grandpa Poppy." "He always had seeds in his teeth." "And that's why we called him Poppy." "Ugh!" "You're depressing." "You're depressing to be around." "That's why you're not invited to Kimberly Sussman's party tonight." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Kimberly Sussman's having a party tonight?" "Yeah." "To celebrate her new nose." "Like, the whole world's going." "I'm sure if I wasn't invited, Shawn, it's probably due to some tremendous oversight." "Does, "7:30 sharp." ""And whatever you do, don't tell Cory,"" "sound like an oversight?" "The word's out on you, man." "Nobody wants to be around Cory, the downer." "Three, two, one..." "Including you?" "I'm getting there." "Shawn, listen, you think I like myself like this." "I don't." "Okay, I don't blame everyone for not wanting to be around me." "I don't want to be around me either." "I'm done with me." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "So, now that you're going out with Shawn, does this mean that I can't dance with him tonight?" "You can dance with him all you want, Kimberly, but he'll be going home with me." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "What are you doing here?" "I'm crashing." "Crashing the party." "Get out!" "Say that again?" "Get out!" "You know who you look like, don't you?" "Bridget Fonda." "Get out." "No, I'm serious." "I mean, your old nose, it was fine, but now it's..." "La Femme Nikita, baby." "Look, as long as you're here, why don't you stay?" "I think Topanga's coming." "Who?" "I'm sorry, but right now I can't see anybody past Kimberly Sussman Fonda." "Cory." "So they got Hunter kidnapped and handcuffed to a pole, and I have to step in and save Shawn's butt because I have a way with women, as you can probably tell by the fact that" "I've never been more available in my life." "Tickets go on sale at the box office." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Okay, who are you?" "And what have you done with Cory the mope?" "Shawnie, it's me." "Now, if you'll excuse me, Cory's got that groove thing going." "Cory." "Hey." "The ex-other-half- of-my-heart-and-soul." "How's the family?" "Good." "Cory..." "You look really..." "Uh, not very cool." "Thanks." "That's what I'm going for." "See, they told me to relax and have a good time, that's what I'm trying to do." "Okay, well, I'm not gonna stay very long." "Stay as long as you like." "Mmm-hmm." "He's been like this since he got here." "I've got to say, he's the life of the party." "So, are you and Cory officially broken up?" "Because I think he's really cute." "Cory's free to do whatever he wants." "So are you." "Angela, I'll talk to you later." "Sounds like a yes to me." "You make one move on my best friend's man, and that new nose is gonna look like your old nose." "Okay?" "Hey!" "I didn't know you were gonna be here." "But since you're the most exciting person here," "I propose a toast." "To us." "(KNOCK AT DOOR)" "SHAWN:" "Cory, open up!" "It's Shawn, my sidekick." "Hello." "You've been in here for, like, an hour and a half." "Are they asking for me?" "Topanga left." "She did?" "That's too bad." "I was gonna dance with her." "Is that yours?" "This was given to me when I stole it from my father." "You want?" "Wait a minute." "Cory is the one holding the bottle." "What's wrong with this picture?" "Because you said that no one wants to be around Cory the downer, so now I'm not Cory the downer." "You want a drink?" "I told you to have fun, not put away a pint of whiskey." "I am having a good time, and I want you to have a good time, too." "So drink." "I don't need that." "What's it taste like?" "It's the foulest tasting stuff I've ever had." "Here." "(SNIFFS)" "Ugh!" "Why would I want to do this?" "'Cause your goody-goody friend Cory did it, and you will not be able to live with yourself unless you do it, too." "I'm not falling for that peer-pressure crap." "Oh!" "Yikes!" "(LAUGHS)" "I know, and yet, such a small price to pay for its magical powers." "Ah!" "Ugh!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "(EXCLAIMS)" "You know, I just can't understand why they don't sell this stuff to kids." "I mean..." "This will forever be remembered as the night we peed on a police car." "Pretty unbelievable, huh?" "You know, Shawn, normally I can't go when another guy's standing right next to me." "What a perfect target." "I mean, I bet you that's why they put those numbers on the roof." "I can't think of any other reason." "Well, here is to squad car 72, wherever you are." "Oh, no, no, no." "No." "No." "No." "You ain't gonna finish that." "Ah!" "Well, the party is over." "(BOTTLE SHATTERING) Gravity." "Hey." "Hey." "I was gonna put flowers in that and present to Armanga as a token of my steam." "Wait a minute, Cory." "What?" "You just called her Armanga." "No, not our Manga." "My Manga." "(LAUGHING)" "No luck, huh?" "Those things never pay off." "So why do you play?" "I like losing." "CORY:" "Well, hey, hey, hey." "How'd you like a chance to lose five more times?" "Wait, five lottery tickets is only five bucks." "That's a $10." "You buy yourself five lottery tickets, and you buy us a six-pack with the change." "No, if I buy beer for a minor, I can get arrested." "You a cop?" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Do we look like cops?" "Do I?" "You know what, Shawnie?" "I always thought that Topanga was the one person" "I could never live without." "But she's gone, and you're here, and I'm alive." "So it must be you." "I'd take a bullet for you." "Shawnie, I love you." "Yeah." "I love you, too, Cory." "And I'm not ashamed." "Now I'm ashamed." "It's okay." "It's okay." "My brother's also chosen an alternative lifestyle." "Let's keep in touch." "You know what I can't get over?" "When I left the house, I was almost half-crocked, and my dad didn't notice a thing." "That's what happens when you get up there in years." "You know, you start to lose your edge." "Okay, wait, wait." "This is a toast." "To the best friend in the whole world on the best night ever." "(POLICE SIREN WAILS)" "Oh, no." "It's Sipowicz." "Stand very still, and we won't get in trouble." "Why does that number look so familiar?" "Sit down." "So, how's it feel to put one over on your parents?" "You feel good?" "No." "I cannot believe that my kid stole liquor from my cabinet, like..." "Well, like somebody else's kid!" "Have they been charged with anything?" "Are they gonna have a record?" "No, the charges were dropped, because they are juveniles and there was no prior arrest." "Cory, this isn't you." "No, of course it isn't!" "Somebody influenced him, didn't someone?" "Alan." "No, Dad, okay?" "You're completely wrong." "I did this completely on my own." "Come on." "You're covering up for Shawn, like you always do." "No." "I'm not." "In fact, I'm the one who got him to drink." "No." "No, no, no." "Stop protecting me, Cory." "Yeah, you know how lousy he's been feeling." "Well, he wanted to feel good." "And I showed him how." "Shawn, what are you doing?" "I am sick and tired of overlooking the influence you have on my kid." "Alan, that's enough." "Come into the other room." "I want to talk to you." "That's probably a good idea." "Listen, Shawn, why are you taking the rap for me?" "Because your dad's right, Cory." "All my life you've had my back." "Just let me take the heat this time." "But I'm the one who got us into trouble." "I'm not in any trouble." "You are." "People expect this from me." "I'm the screw-up." "You're Mr. Teenage America." "Especially in the eyes of your parents." "They've got you on this pedestal." "I'm not going to let you fall off." "Okay." "This is what we think." "First, we feel that you two need some time apart." "Now, this doesn't mean that the friendship is over." "No." "No!" "Forget it, Dad, okay?" "Forget it." "I'm not doing that." "I'm not giving you the choice." "Cory, you were drinking tonight." "I don't care, Mom!" "Dad drinks." "I am slightly over 21." "And when I do drink, I drink responsibly." "And when you are ready to do what I do, then you can get out of this house and get a job!" "What if Kimberly's party wasn't within walking distance?" "Would you have driven?" "I wouldn't drink and drive." "I'm not a moron." "You peed on a cop car." "How smart is that?" "Look, I appreciate the lecture, and thanks for coming to the station to pick me up, but you're not my parents." "And, yeah, I'll just stay away from Cory if that's what's gonna put everything back to normal." "Normal." "You know..." "I just broke up with someone that I've spent my entire life with." "I don't have a heart anymore." "I've lost my life." "So I went up to your liquor cabinet and I took a bottle of whiskey," "and I made Shawn drink, because I didn't want to be alone." "Shawn..." "Forget it." "No." "I was worried about my kid, and I said some things that I shouldn't have." "That's okay." "It is not okay." "And I apologize." "No more drinking?" "Yeah." "No more drinking." "Topanga, listen." "About Friday night..." "Cory, you don't need to apologize to me." "No, there was a reason I was acting so strange." "I don't really care." "You don't?" "No." "Okay." "It's okay with you that I don't care?" "No!" "Class, as we continue our study of feudalism," "I would like to focus today on the life of the serf." "Mr. Hunter?" "I don't wanna." "You don't want to what?" "Boring." "It's boring!" "That's why the whole feudalism thing didn't work out." "They got bored out of their freaking minds!" "What?" "It's too far." "No, you know, just once, I would like to learn something somewhat relevant to our lives." "Shawn, shut up." "I say this with love." "What's the matter with you?" "Nothing." "Now, why don't you stop being so crazy and sit on Cory's lap?" "Mr. Hunter, we will discuss your outburst at the end of the class." "Cool, so let the boredom begin." "(TOOTING MOCKINGLY)" "Mr. Hunter, please leave." "Okay." "But only because you asked me so nicely." "Listen, Mr. Feeny, can I..." "Go, go." "Are you kidding me?" "I'm sorry, did you want one?" "You get kicked out of class, you fight me all the way home, you puke on my shoes, and you still want another beer?" "Why don't you go home, Cory the monitor?" "You know what, I..." "I could've sworn we agreed to stop drinking." "(LAUGHS) Yeah, well, I've been drinking all week, and you haven't noticed a thing." "You've been drinking all week?" "Yeah." "See, I'm doing this for you." "You're worried about me, you stop thinking about Topanga." "By the way, you know, she's getting out of school right about now." "Why don't you go across the street from her and cry?" "What?" "What are you doing?" "It's a beer!" "What's the big deal here?" "We got drunk at a party the other night." "I think he might've liked it a little too much." "Yeah, well, a beer's a big deal for us." "Goody, goody." "Now I get the lecture from the big brother, who I've known all of six months." "You don't have a clue, do you?" "About what?" "About Dad!" "Yeah." "Yeah, Dad used to drink, and then he stopped." "Next?" "You know why he stopped drinking?" "Because he ran out of money?" "You know why my mom left him?" "'Cause she went for a guy with more money?" "She left him because he was an abusive, ugly drunk." "Don't you ever talk about my dad..." "Shawn!" "Shawn!" "Stop!" "He's my father, too, man!" "Alcoholism is in our family, and you shouldn't drink!" "Shawn?" "After the other night, Shawn, I feel like I can never drink again." "You were drinking?" "Yeah." "What do you figure that was about?" "I wonder!" "You know what, Shawn?" "Shut up." "Okay?" "We agreed to stop drinking." "I have." "You obviously haven't." "What do you think that's about?" "I wonder." "And, by the way, I happen to have been an adorable drunk." "You should have seen me." "I did." "You weren't." "And this isn't about us." "Shawn, it's okay." "Look, we can talk about anything." "If there's a problem, we can figure out what to do." "(LAUGHING)" "Nobody's listening to me." "Okay." "I drink this stuff because I like it." "It makes me feel good." "Hello!" "Hello!" "Is this thing on?" "I have no problem." "Okay." "Maybe we don't have to talk about this in front of everybody." "Let's just go out into the hall..." "Don't!" "I don't like that you drink." "Call me when you don't." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "(DOOR OPENING)" "(DOOR CLOSES)" "How did that just happen?" "Hi." "I, um..." "I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to worry about me having a drink anymore." "But if you want me to stay away from Cory because of all the other idiot stuff I do," "I understand." "Come on in." "You know," "I wouldn't want two friends to be kept apart." "When I said that, I was under the influence of alcohol." "You were drunk, too?" "No, you were." "And so was Cory, and I didn't like seeing you that way." "Yeah." "That seems to be the general consensus." "So..." "When can Cory come out and play?" "Can I, Dad?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Can I?" "What month is it?" "It's still March." "Sorry, Shawn." "Maybe next time, you won't be so easily influenced by your rotten friends!" "Yeah, well, he's the only one I got." "Angela hasn't called back yet?" "No." "She won't return my messages." "I picked a fine time to quit drinking." "Yeah, I've got a lot of apologizing to do." "An apple?" "Are you kidding me?" "What I did in class yesterday was so out of line." "If you won't accept my apology, then I want you to have this $12." "The only thing of value for me, Mr. Hunter, would be to know that you're all right." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm all right." "My brother and I, decided to talk to this guy who's gonna help us understand how to deal with this." "Good for you, Shawn." "That's the right thing to do." "Topanga..." "I know you're sorry." "I got the card and the fruit basket." "It was missing an apple, by the way." "Right." "Here." "How you doing?" "Hey." "Wanna hang out two weeks from Thursday?" "I'll be there." "Good morning, Topanga." "I still love you." "We can't start off the day like that, Cory." "I don't care what you think." "Fine." "Fine!" "Hi." "Hi." "I don't like me when I drink, either." "Good." "Because I sure like you when you don't."