"This gets kind of confusing... so I made this tape to help you out." "Once upon a time, my mom and dad got married... and lived happily ever after." "Yeah, right." "More like eight long, miserable years... and a very messy divorce." "Children, this is your modern fairy tale... less simple and with lawyers." "So, Dad moves to San Francisco with her... my first stepmother." "I forgot her name." "I know that sounds strange." "But for a while, my dad dated everyone... and their stewardess." "And he drank, and instead of waking up with tattoos... he woke up with wives." "Oops." "There's another one." "You got to be quick in this family." "You can just call them The Lost Bimbos." "I do." "Mom was married to this guy for two days..." "Mom's microwave marriage." "Turns out they only vowed... to love, honor, and cherish over the weekend." "Still with me?" "Next, Mom meets Keith Powers." "Anyway, he's a rich widower with three kids... and two Porsches." "Wedding, wedding, wedding." "Unfortunately, this one lasts... so I get two stepbrothers and one stepsister... and, of course, two step-Porsches." "Here they are." "Josh... he's the nice one, but he ran away." "Kurt..." "I try to avoid him, but it's difficult." "Ah, my beloved stepsister Corrine." "She's 14." "Isn't she sweet?" "Let me show you that again." "But why stop there?" "Bottom of the ninth... oops, someone's tubes come untied... and out pops my half brother Sam." "Here he is with his best and only friend... his computer." "Meanwhile, back in San Francisco..." "Dad gets lucky and marries Barbara... a stepmom I actually liked." "There she is right there." "And eventually, I have a half sister Jessica." "Then Dad gets unlucky... gets caught cheating, and gets kicked out." "This happily-ever-after thing... just isn't a big seller these days." "I know what you're thinking." "We're like antichrists to the Brady Bunch." "But hang in there." "It gets worse." "Meet Stephanie." "I just did." "She's half my dad's age... they're living together, and, yep, you guessed it... with twins." "Pretty interesting." "Did you know it's estimated by the year 2000... one out of every three people will be a member of my family?" "I know it's in here somewhere." "Oh, morning." "I had this terrible dream." "Laura!" "Laura?" "Nope." "I'm still in it." "OK, where's my blue cosmetic face-mask?" "Your face?" "I give up." "Corrine, get out of my stuff." "I didn't take any of your lousy beauty aids." "Jealous?" "You need them a lot more than I do." "You're so... drab." "Oh, I know." "If only I could accessorize an ensemble like you." "Then maybe, maybe..." "Shut the door!" "She's right." "I'm a dog." "All I need is a big, fat, centrally-located wart... to finish off the look." "My body just hangs there like a boy." "Not even a cute boy." "I wouldn't go out with a boy who looked like me." "That's what's sad." "Check it out." "Is this hair or a horse's tail?" "And while we're on the subject, am I going to grow... or do I have to join forces with the Seven Dwarfs?" "Dwight Moody said, "Character is what you are in the dark. "" "He must have been a dog, too." "It was you." "You little thief." "I tested it for dioxins." " For what?" " I suspected it might be toxic." "Sure enough, I discovered dangerously high levels... of methylene phosphate." "That doesn't clog your pores, does it?" "It's been proven to cause cancer in laboratory animals." "Oh, them." "Who cares about them?" "Anyway, you said the same thing last week about grape soda." "Honey, it's time to do your hair." "Sam... the printer broke down again." "Would you mind?" "Atten-hut!" "Oh." "Good morning, soldier." "Is the alarm off?" "Morning, sir!" "Yes, sir!" "A little less volume, son." "Alpha!" "Alpha Bay secured, sir." "Excellent job." "Go and see if Laura's up." "Yes, sir." "0700." "Time to fall out." "Fall out yourself." "I'm going back to sleep." "Ha ha ha!" "That was a warning shot." "You're dead, Kurt!" "Just got back from his first year off at military school..." ""off" being the really key word here." "He's almost 13, and he still plays with his G.I. Joes." "Need I say more?" "Morning." "Morning, Laura." "How are you?" "I'm OK." "You better get dressed." "You'll be late for school." "Has Jonah asked you to the dance yet?" "No." "Everyone else has." "I know he wants to... badly." "How can he resist?" "You have such pretty hair." "Not half as pretty as your hair." "No, stop it." "You... you really think so?" "I would die." "I would just die." "You don't think it could be a little shorter?" "No!" "Don't you dare touch it." "It's absolutely perfect." "Well, thank you, sweetheart." " You really think so?" " Yes." "Oh." "I don't know." "I thought it would be a lot easier... to take care of if I cut it shorter." "Ralph Waldo Emerson... he said all kinds of wise things." "Rosario?" "This is ice-cold." "Hey, Mom, Rosario gave me a new one." "Listen to this." ""Insist upon yourself, never imitate. "" "Isn't that cool?" "Who else would you insist on?" "Exactly." "I don't get it." "All he's saying is, be unique and original." "Don't be phony." "OK, well, why doesn't he just come out and say that?" "You know, you explain the quotes much better." "You should just sort of, uh, paraphrase them... uh, put them in your own words." "Then they wouldn't be quotes." "Heh." "Yes, but... they'd be more you." "Forget it, Mom." "You always miss the point." "Maybe you shouldn't ask me if I'm such a dumb bunny." "Your napkin goes on your lap." "Hello." "Corrine speaking." "Oh, hi, Jonah." "What a surprise." "Ohhh!" "Abbott!" "Hey, Abbott!" "Oh, Abbott!" "Abbott!" "What's the matter now?" "Hey, Tweety Bird." "I thought I taw a putty tat." "I thought I taw a putty tat." "I'm doing a thesis on violence in the socialization process." "Really?" "So far, there have been several acts..." " of mutilation, cannibalism..." " Mm-hmm." "Dismemberment, electrocution... even implied castration." "Good." "And they're so lifelike." "Cosmopolitan Magazine featured them... as part of a mother/daughter- aren't-they-both-gorgeous thing." "Did you hear the good news?" "Jonah asked Corrine to the dance." "Finally." "An end to my sleepless nights." "Congratulations." "You don't congratulate the girl, I'm sure." "Now all we have to do is find a boy for you." "We should celebrate." "I know." "Shopping spree..." "a new wardrobe just for Jonah." "Oh, can we, can we, can we?" "I'm the mother, and I say... why not?" " Will you miss anything?" " She has Algebra." "I have P.E." " She has a quiz." " On volleyball." "Well, just this once." "You never excuse me from school." "Ha ha!" "Don't be silly." "You love school." "Maybe we'll find you a new jacket." "Bury the old one." " I like my jacket." " I know." "Hey, Laura... find out my homework, will ya?" "If these are the best years of my life..." "I must have some serious third-degree burns in my future." "Excuse me." "How did you get past my secretary?" "I told her I was your son." "You happy to see me?" "I'm in shock, is all." "I mean, I just didn't expect..." "Yeah, I know." "L..." "I..." "Look, here." "Please." "Right out of the blue, hmm?" "Well... so... where have you been, hmm?" "Back to school?" "No, I'm still working up at the lake." "Yes, Lake Mamie, that resort, hmm?" "Dad, you know where I've been." "Yes, I know where you've been, Josh... and you know where I've been." "I have always been right here." "You need some money?" "Just tell me how much." "That's not why I came here." "How much?" "Well, how much you got, huh?" "Josh, you walked out, not me." "You told me to get out of your sight." "You remember that?" " That's bullshit, Josh." " It's not bullshit." "You never just walk away from your family." "You do when they won't even listen to you." "You never just quit your family." "Listen to me!" "You don't even know what today is, do you?" "Yes, I do know what today is." "Today..." "Don't bother." "It's not in there." "I checked." "Sally, would you please send a dozen roses... over to Parkside Cemetery?" "ASAP?" "Yes, sir." "I got the days mixed up, Josh." "I am human, you know." "I'm glad to hear it." "But I don't mind, because now I have two fathers... and I love them both just as much." "One is there to help me day-to-day." "The other I don't see as often... but that makes him more special, more like a best friend." "And he's still friends with my mother." "Everyone is friends." "And everyone is really happy with the way things turned out." "All the new brothers and sisters get along great." "The whole house is so full of love." "That's not all it's full of." "To sum up, divorce doesn't have to be a bad thing." "Sometimes it can just open up everyone's heart a little wider." "Want to bet?" "Five years from now, she climbs a tower... and starts picking people off with an M-16." "How many times does 52 go into 22,000?" "I have no idea." "I don't do math, I do art." "Yeah, see, 'cause it's just that I want to give Linda a raise... 'cause she has four kids... and the guy that she lives with doesn't work, either, so..." " Steph..." " What?" "Do you mind?" "I can't see through you." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "Heh." "Ha!" "You like this?" "It's one of our hottest new items." "I like it." "A little noisy, but hot." "Very hot." " I really like it." " What?" "Your work." "Reminds me of a dream I once had." "Stephanie, that's just a blank canvas." "Yeah." "Hello?" " Dad?" " Laura?" "What a surprise." "There's nothing wrong, is there?" "Just the usual." "I hear you're going to Hawaii for your birthday." "It isn't for my birthday." "It's for Mom and Keith." "They forgot about my birthday when they made the plans... then they had no choice but to bring us along." "Wait a minute." "I nearly married a Hawaiian once." "Big, scary Samoan chick." "My God, I haven't thought about her in years." "I'd rather see you." "I never see you anymore." "I know." "I'd like to see you, too, sweetheart." "I'm just going through this transitional period right now... where I'm completely broke." "Still living off Stephanie, you know?" "On the other hand, my work... my work..." "I'm, uh, I'm..." " Still blocked?" " Still completely blocked." "I haven't painted anything new in months." "Dad, have you talked to Barbara?" "Barbara doesn't want to talk to me." "I mean, she won't even let me come over... and get my brushes." "These are my best brushes." "When are the twins due?" "Oh, God." "The twins, the twins, um... uh..." "Were you this excited when I was born?" "Come on." "There's something wrong." "I know there is." "Tell me." "Listen, I better not run up Keith's phone bill." "Bye, Dad." "I don't think it's fair... to make my dad say "I love you" too often." "He always sounds like he feels guilty." "He's the nicest guy, though." "Ask anyone." "But the thing is, he's almost forty... looks like he's thirty, thinks like he's twenty... and acts like he's ten." "He's fun to play board games with." " Hello?" " Barb." "Barb?" "Yeah, I'm here." "Ahem." "What's the matter?" "You can't hear me?" "Uh, it must be a bad connection." "Is that better?" "You OK?" "Mm-hmm." "Must have been a glitch." "Hello?" "What is going on over there?" "Hello?" "Hello." "Jessie?" "I didn't know you..." "hi, darling." "What?" " You know who this is?" " I know." "Who?" "My pretend daddy." "No, darling, it's your real daddy." "It's..." "I just haven't seen you in a while..." "I guess." "Oh, sweetheart." "Oh, I miss you so much." "Do you miss me at all?" " Yep." " You do?" "That's good?" "Yep." "Here's a kiss from your daddy." "Your real daddy." "Mmm... wah!" "Ooh, that was a good kiss." "That hit me right in the ear." "Here's one right back at you." "That's enough." "Well, then, put your mother on, OK?" "Mommy, he wants to talk to you." "What?" "Did you hear that?" "Did you hear what she called me?" "Her pretend daddy?" "What does that mean?" "Why are you calling, David?" "Thanks for not hanging up." "I just spoke to Laura." "I got this funny feeling." "I'm very worried about her." "You called because you're worried about Laura?" "Right." "What, that's news?" "God, David." "Don't you think it's a little late for token fathering?" "Especially since you already have a three-year-old... who's learned not to depend on you." "Whoa." "Hey, listen, you're the one... who threw me out on the street." "Only so you could be with your girlfriend, sweetheart." "She is not my girlfriend." "She's my friend... who's having your twins." "True." "You miss me, don't you?" "I'll pick up the divorce papers tomorrow." "Come in." "I need to talk to you." "What about?" "I don't know." "Me, I guess." "It isn't your plumbing, is it?" "Then let's save it for Hawaii, when we're on the beach." "How does that sound?" "Does that sound nice?" "Then we'll talk about whatever you want... but right now, I'm just in a terrible hurry." "I hate it, but that's just the way it is." "My mom's always late." "Ever since she married Keith... she's been late for one glamorous event after another." "She acts like it's a big hassle, but she really loves it." "My mom worked all her life to get this shallow." "See that chandelier?" "That's why my mom married Keith." "See this carpet?" "That's why my mom married Keith." "If you don't mind, I want to be alone." "Oh, damn it." "Another one." "Oh, what's the matter, hon?" "Bad day at the office?" "Time to let it go." "What do you think?" "This one or this one?" "This one... or this one?" "This one." "Mmm, good." "I like it, too." "Kurt!" "We're leaving." "Now, I'm leaving you in charge." "Yes, sir." "Glad to see you're finally using those weights." "Here." "Try these." "Keep pumping, son." "Uhh!" "Really?" "Ha ha ha!" "Oh, sure." "Ha ha ha!" "It's in your hands, dear." "You betcha." ""Cor, he's using you"... and she starts laughing hysterically." "Corrine, there's an intruder in the house." "I'm on the phone." "My brother." "No." "The one that went to military school." "Josh!" "I can't believe it." "What are you doing here?" "I just thought I'd stop by and see how it's going." "Ha ha!" "Hey." "Oh, I was so worried." "Keith said..." "What?" "What?" "What did Keith say?" "Uh, he said you didn't care, and you were never coming back." "And you believed him?" " Who, Keith?" " Yeah, Keith." "Hyah!" "Hello, Kurt." "Oh, it's just you, Josh." "Long time no... hey!" "You're not supposed to be here." "I had orders not to let you in." "I'm already in." "Come on, Laura." "I'm sorry, but I can't let you pass." "Kurt, wait." "When Laura said you had been..." "Jesus." "What is with you?" "Kurt!" "I know six ways to restrain a man with my little finger." "Six." "No kidding." "Let me see that." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Laura, could you get that door?" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "That makes seven." "I have a pocket knife, you know!" "I can get out of this!" "Hey, Corrine." "Hi, Josh." "Oh, God." "Same old Sam." " You're back!" " Hey." "How are you doing?" "Why are you so happy, huh?" "Huh?" " Hey." "Want a piggyback?" " Yeah." "All right." "Let's do it." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Ah, Sammy!" "Come on, guys." "This isn't funny." "Hello?" "This clear water... these green golden mountains all around." "I'm telling you, it feels like you stepped out of time." "You mean time in metaphysical sense... or actual linear time?" "It sounds like paradise." "Yeah, it is." "You should come visit me sometime." "You mean you're going back?" "First thing in the morning." "I thought you were home for good." "Home?" "I'm not sure where that is yet, Sam... but it sure ain't here." "My sentiments exactly." "What?" "No, Laura." "No way." "Forget it." " Please." " No!" "Come on, it's perfect." "Why not?" "I cannot just take you with me." "For starters, it's not even legal." "I could be arrested." "Tell her, Sam." "Well, actually, if she can show due cause..." "Never mind." "Never mind, Sam." "Laura, no." "What do you want to throw your life away for?" "It worked for you... and blood is thicker than water." "What blood?" "There's no blood." "There will be if you don't get me out of here." "Now, what can they say?" "You're my brother." "Correction... stepbrother." "You never said that before." "To them." "That's the way they see it." "Laura, come on." "You and I know better." "Laura, come on, look." "When I said sometime, I meant sometime soon." "I know what you meant." "Listen, don't do me any favors." "Some kind of cheesy Santa Claus line." "I want my gun back." "Hand it over." "You're going to watch where you aim it?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Where is it?" "I've been trained with the real thing." "I know what I'm doing." "Besides, guns don't kill people." "People twisting people's little fingers... now, that hurts." "You idiot!" "Mom's good china." "It's only one plate." "Good shot, Gomer." "That cabinet's not going anywhere." "I have to go." "I'll call you back later." "I'll see you later." "Where are you going to stay tonight?" "The Maywood Motel down on Sunset." "It's safer." "I'll write this time." "Bye." "My china." "My beautiful china." "Kurt, I am disappointed in you." "I give you a simple assignment, and you blow it." "Go wash your face, soldier." "Keith." "Keith!" "Keith, this was my grandmother's china." "Yes, I know." "I know." "I know." "I know." "Oh, you know?" "Well, just don't stand there." "Punish someone." "I think we know who's responsible for this." "Me?" "You've got to be kidding." "You let Josh in when I expressly forbid it." "Mom." "Ohh!" "How was I supposed to..." "I can't even believe this." "If I count to ten, will you disappear?" "Watch your mouth, young lady, or no Hawaii." "Gee, then I better not say... what a complete dickhead you're being." "That is it!" "No Hawaii!" "Good." "I quit this family." "I can't help you people." "I hope you choke on poi." "I hope your leis shrivel up and die." "I hope Don Ho's show really sucks!" "I'm not going to cry." "I'm not going to cry." "I wouldn't give them the satisfaction." "Same with suicide." "I just know if I did, they'd tear down that wall... so Corrine could have a bigger room." ""Insist upon yourself. "" "Ow." "Are we there yet?" "They can't blame you." "Just say your truck was hijacked." "Oh, yes." "You know, that makes perfect sense, Laura." "I'm covered now." "I'm off the hook." "I can rest easy with an unshakable alibi like that." "It's an idea." "Will you just relax?" "You're doing the right thing." "No." "I am doing the stupid thing." "I recognize it from experience." "What I should be doing... is putting you on the next bus back to L. A... whether you like it or not." "I'd just get off at the next stop." "I'm finally taking hold of my destiny with both hands." "You're giving mine a healthy squeeze, too, aren't you?" "Don't push it." "It's beautiful, huh?" "Yeah." "Don't get used to it." "She wants us to miss our flight." "You know that, don't you?" "This is her little way of testing us." "Wants to see if we'll leave without her." " Little brat." " Yes, but she's our little brat." "Yes, she is our little brat... and she better get used to the idea." "Oh, Melly, don't take that." "But if she wants to be a brat, fine." "Just let her do it under this roof, like Corrine." "To think I apologized to her door for half an hour." " That was nice." " "Nice. "" "It made me look like a jerk in front of the other kids." "Well, what about a friend's house?" "Corrine says she doesn't have any friends." "She did want to talk last night... but it didn't seem that important." "Oh." "You don't think it's my fault, do you?" "No, Melly." "No, it's not your fault." "No, I stand by my brat theory completely." "It explains absolutely everything." "It reminds me of a time when..." "Of course." "That's it." "She's with Josh." "Brats of a feather." "Terrific." "Nice door." "Oh!" "Oh!" "There's no roof in the bathroom." "I haven't gotten to that yet." "No." "I like it." "It adds atmosphere." "Come on." " Come on." " No." "Come on." "Trust me." "It's important that you trust me." "Aaah!" " Whoo!" " Woah!" "That was fun." "Let's do it again." "I wonder if they've even noticed I'm gone yet." "It's a pretty safe bet." "You know, my escape was OK." "It wasrt as good as yours, though." "Yours was the ultimate." "What did you have, one semester of school left... and you walked?" "Hasta luego, baby." "Eat my dust." "I don't recall the "eat my dust" part." "You don't?" "Well, I do." "Keith went nuts." "You know, I never could explain it to him." "My mom is the one who used to explain us to each other." "Still, it must have felt good." "Yeah." "I guess it did for a while." "You won't call Keith on me." " Promise me." " I promise." "Promise me." "I promise." "OK." "I see you're still carrying that book around." "Sort of a Wisdom's Greatest Hits, isn't it?" "Stop." "You can make fun as much as you want... but I have all the smartest people in here." "See, you built a cabin." "You're good with your hands." "What am I going to do when I grow up?" "I don't have a gift for zip." "No, that can't be." "Everyone has a gift for something." "Except me." "That's what I'm telling you." "Including you." "Like what?" "Give me a hint." "In my future job... am I or am I not wearing a paper hat?" "Ha ha!" "Just be patient." "You'll find your gift." "It could be as simple as the way you look at the world." "You can get paid for that?" "Seriously." "What am I going to do?" "You're going to do fine." "Henry David Thoreau..." "Shh!" "He's dead." "He said that..." "Forget it." "Hello?" "Hello, Mr. Chartoff." "You don't know me, but..." "Hi, Sam." "Uh... all right, it's me... but you never spoke to me before, OK?" "Do you have a pencil and paper?" "It's about Laura." "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "There she is." " Laura!" " Laura!" "Laura!" "They'll get her." "Yeah." "Sorry." "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura, grow up!" "Uhh." "Ahh." "Alone at last." "I know what you're thinking." "No money." "No place to go." "The girl's out of her mind." "She'll never make it." "Thanks." "I appreciate the support." " Josh, where is she?" " Good question." "Well, go get her and bring her back here." "We have a plane to catch." "Tell her we'll work it out on the trip." "Is that why you two are here?" "So you can get to Hawaii?" "You guys are something else." "We wouldn't have to be here if you hadrt set her against us." "And when we get her back, you better hope and pray." "If you get her back." "What are you going to do, lock her up?" " Lf we get her back?" " What did you say to her?" "Not enough, I guess, because she just ran away from me, too." " Hi, everybody." " OK..." "Is that who I think it is?" "Mm-hmm." "OK, I'm here for Laura." "Ha!" "That's a first." "Look, I don't want any trouble from you people." "I just want to see my daughter." "Your daughter?" "You're only going to complicate things." "Yeah?" "Well, that's my right as a parent." "Sam, where is she?" "Nobody knows." " She ran away again." " Again?" "So soon?" " Thank you." " Any time." "I wonder who she gets that from." "What'd you say?" "I'm talking about a sense of rebel..." "Yeah, well, I wasrt talking to you." " Well, I am talking to you." " David, David, just drop it." "Don't worry." "I got you covered." "If anything happens to her..." "anything..." "I'm holding both of you responsible." "Only because you've never been responsible in your entire life." "Is that who I think it is?" "Hey, hey!" "The gang's all here." "Stay close, baby." "Daddy!" " Hi, Corrine." " Hi." "Jessie!" "Jessie, you remember me!" " Look... she remembers me!" " Lucky guess." "I'm glad you came." "What's the news about Laura?" "This is getting ridiculous." " What is she doing here?" " Why don't you ask me?" "How many years, she still talks about me in the third person." "Listen to her." "She does the same thing." "Yes, but she started it." " I called Barb." " Josh called Barb?" " Laura respects her." " Oh, not more than me." "Respect..." "I wrote a haiku about respect... and the moon." "I don't think we've been formally introduced." "Barbara, this is, uh, Stephanie... my, um... uh..." "Exactly." "We don't have time for this." "I hate to admit it, but he's right." "We need some kind of a plan." "Shouldrt we just call the police?" "Keith!" "Keith!" "Keith!" "Keith!" "Keith!" "Pretty discriminating, ain't she?" "She likes to hug." "Look, what's our plan?" "We don't need the police." "She can't get that far." " How do you know?" " She's just a girl." "Not how I'd describe her." "She'll be fine." "I say let her go." "Teach her a lesson." "OK, everyone pair off and split up." "I think you all know how to do that, right?" "We'll meet back here in an hour." "I'll stay here and take care of the little ones." "No, no, no, no." "I got the perfect man for that job." "Babysitting?" "!" "Don't think of it as babysitting, Kurt." "Think of it as hostage management." "Stephanie, you don't have to come." "But I want to." "Mommy will be right back." "What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "Laura!" "This is so gross!" "Ohh..." "Laura!" "Put that hippie bag down." "Don't." "Sequin freak." "Hippie bag?" "Hippie..." "Little Deadhead." "Laura!" "Laura!" "Aah!" "Aah!" " You all right?" " Yes." "Aah... oh!" "Why don't you go on back... and I'll do the looking for the both of us?" "You're right." "I'm not very good at this, am I?" "Oh, here, honey." "Oh, thank you." " You'll be all right?" " Mmm." " Be careful." " OK." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "No!" "Aah!" "Ha ha ha." "You can't get me in here." "No!" "Please!" "No!" "What are you gawking at?" "Um... hmm..." "It's a bee sting." "It'll go away... eventually." "Yeah?" " Here, sweetheart." " Oh." "I checked the campgrounds." "I asked for Donnie the manager." "Nobody's seen her." " So, what do we do now?" " Want to know my vote?" "Yeah, we know your vote." "Dad..." "Dad, you know I'm right." "The only thing that makes sense is... is to stay." "We have to stay!" "I mean..." "I mean, we just can't abandon her... in her hour of need, can we?" "Laura's depending on us." "This is... this is a cry for help." "No, we better stay right where we are." "Aloha." "Uh, uh, miss, miss... would you mind taking a picture for us?" "Me?" "Yeah." "We'd really appreciate it." "Here." "You just have to push this one big orange button there." "Thanks a lot." "All right, you guys, let's get over here!" "Let's get together." "Come here." "Come stand next to Dad." "Harmony, come on over here!" "Come on, girl!" "Right in the middle!" "There we go!" "Family sandwich!" "Closer, closer." "Are we close enough?" "Don't move a muscle." " Got it." " Great." "Thanks very much." "Really appreciate that, I do." "Thanks a lot." "Yeah." "I didn't even need to tell you to smile." "Well... bye." "Uh, miss, we saw you hitchhiking." "Where are you headed?" "Um... at the moment, I'm just... oh..." "I'm on my way to my grandmother's house." "Yeah." "Where?" "Um..." "I forgot the name." "It's some town nearby." "Bishop?" "That's it." "It's Bishop." "You got it." "That's almost thirty miles from here." "It's not so bad." "I do it all the time." "Look, we're heading up that way." "Why don't you ride with us?" "No." "I'd be imposing." "Oh, no, no." "We insist, don't we, John?" "Absolutely." "We hate to see you hitchhike." "There's just all kinds of sick people out there." "Weirdos, God knows what." "It's just not safe for normal, average, decent people anymore." " We're the Smiths." " Hi!" "I'm Harmony." " I'm Ethan." " I'm Shaggy." " I'm Ashton." " I'm Mikey." " I'm Riley." " I'm Laura." " Hi, Laura!" " Hi, Laura!" "Thanks very much." "Well, that settles that." "Uh, you don't have to stay." " I'm not going anywhere." " You're stuck with us." "Oh, this is an awkward situation." "After the explosion, they searched and searched... for my parents' bodies... but when you've got fireballs shooting 2 miles into the sky... you can just forget that." "They did find this... this one elbow." "Yeah, they said it could be my mom's... but they couldn't be absolutely certain." "See, it's hard to tell from just one elbow." "I mean, there's no real test they can do." "Of course, the CIA denies the whole thing even happened." "It's a mystery." "Um... all right, kids... who wants orange whipple?" " Me!" " Me!" "One person at a time, please." "This is not working." "Let's try another tack." "Would the mother and father of the girl... raise your hands, please?" "I think I've got it now." "Don't help me." "First it was you and you... then you and you... and, at some point, you and you... and now it's you and you." "Am I right?" "Yeah." "Close enough." "Yeah, essentially." "How'd you do that?" "And everyone is married except the pregnant girl." "Uh-huh." "You folks wouldn't happen to be from Los Angeles, would you?" "How did you know?" "Excuse me." "We're from San Francisco." "Lookie here!" "Get a load of this!" "Who hit you?" "Hey, relax." "Nobody hit her." " Hell of a zit, though." " It's a bee sting!" "That was going to be my second guess." "Hell of a bee sting, then." "Are you going to just ask stupid questions all day... or are you going to do something to help us?" "Well, officially, I ain't supposed to help you... until it's been 48 hours... but I can see that a minute is like an hour with you folks... so, Russell, get the maps out of the back... would you, please?" "We'll take a look." "Ohh!" "They sure didn't look for me very long." "All right, you guys, who wants a whipple?" " Me!" " Me!" "All righty, right here." "Come on." "Don't push." "There's enough for everybody." "Riley, you got yours there?" "Be careful." "All righty." "One for Mom, one for Dad, and one for Laura." "Thank you." "Does your grandmother need to talk to me?" "Mm-mmm." "She said it was fine... if I just spent the night with you guys... and she was really grateful that I found such a wonderful family." " Ohh." " You hear that, kids?" "Laura's going to stay with us." " Yay!" " Yay!" "Well, smiling comes naturally to happy people." "I'll have my cars patrol up and down these roads... and believe me, she'll pop up." "Meanwhile, it's been my experience... they usually come back on their own... so I suggest you stay put, just in case." "Now, does anyone have a photo of the girl... that I could borrow?" "Oh, yes, I do." "Um, let's see." "Well, she's five there, but it's a great picture of Sam." "Uh, maybe her passport." "Oh, this is sad..." "not one picture." "Laura hates cameras." "Well, she's got brown hair and green eyes." "Blue eyes, with flecks of yellow..." " that make them look green." " Blue and yellow make green." "Well, don't worry." "There can't be too many 13-year-old girls... wandering around alone out there." "Laura... age five." "Big help I am." "Not to pay you a compliment or anything... but as I recall, aren't you a pretty good artist?" "You mean..." "I could draw her." "Come on, David, keep it simple." "No showing off." "Just..." "Melly, I'm going to try and, uh..." "Hello?" "Anybody?" "I'm going to try and get us all rooms for tonight." "Um, yeah." "Yeah." "Well, I'II, uh, get right on it." "Laura?" "Laura!" "Josh!" "Josh!" "Oh, hey." "She did that to me three times!" "It's a classic overcompensation from fear of desertion." "Jess, go get Sam." "Go!" "That's not funny." "Sam!" "Sam!" "Sam!" " Ohh, David." " Oh, David." " Looks like her." " It's not bad." "Yeah, it'll work." "Here you go." "Boy!" "A talent like that really comes in handy." "Well, I'll have some copies made..." " post them all around." " Great." "Laura, in this family... we say grace before every meal." "Right." "Maybe you would like to do the honors this evening." "OK." "Um..." "God?" "Uh..." "God?" "We'd just like to thank you for all this food you've given us... which, by the way, I've already tasted." "I got to tell you, it's delicious." "L..." "I mean it." "Anyway... we really do appreciate it, and all we ask... is that, you know, we cooked the food long enough... doesn't give us botulism or anything like that... because the nearest hospital must be miles, and even then..." "Well, let's not talk about it." "Amen." "Amen." "Josh!" "Josh." "Oh, my God!" "Can you give us a ride?" "To the hospital?" "No, no, just in the car." "The vibration of the car usually puts them to sleep." "Sometimes he has to drive me around for hours." "Hours." "Uh, sure." "Get in." "I don't want to go this time." "Do you mind?" "No." "It's all right." "Hit it." "The bumpier the better." "Are you sure you're OK?" "You're so sweet." "What are you doing in this family?" "Heh." "Yeah." "Howdy, neighbor." "I'll sleep here." "Who gets the bedroom?" "Hmm?" "You and Jess can have it." "We accept." "Sam, I can't get the key out of the lock." "Dad, where do we sleep?" "Well, at least it's not a tent." "Now, do I have to mention what I don't want my daughter... to see or hear coming from this room?" "I'd like to keep her psychological scarring... to a minimum, if you don't mind." "What do you think I am?" "The word "insatiable" comes to mind." "Steph is seven months pregnant." "You know as well as I do that there are ways." "Barbara, that was different." "I don't know what you're talking about." "You can't stay mad at me forever." "Of course not, but it's a goal." "It goes through." "Keith?" "We're sharing a bathroom with my ex-husband." "I'll talk to you later." "You're an incredible dancer." "Come on!" "Come on!" " Come on!" " Ha ha!" "Thanks, Dad." "Let's go explore." "All right." "Jessie, who's your favorite daddy?" "You are." "OK, and how many daddies do you have?" "Just it, huh?" "Yeah." "That's how come you won." "That's how come I win." "Oh." "All right." "Well, I'll accept that." "Now, if somebody comes up to you... and they ask you if you love your daddy... what are you going to say?" "Damn straight!" "Sorry, I didn't teach her that." "You must've taught her that." "Go to sleep, baby." "Good night." "Will you give your daddy a kiss?" "Mm-hmm." "I love you." "I love you, too, Dad." "Oh, no." "What was that, dear?" "Oh, I figured it out." " Laura put a curse on me." " Oh, now, now." "The wicked stepmother... except I'm not her stepmother." " How about it?" " What?" "Want to break the curse?" "Ah, heh." "Mmm." " OK." " What?" "Now right there." " No." " Heh." "Yes." "No, no, please." "It's not good for it." "How much do you love me?" "Oh, my God." "No, no." "Be careful." "Not here!" "Ha ha ha ha!" " Oh, Melly!" " I'm so sorry." " Our parents are losing it." " Big time." "I mean, what other reason do you need?" "They want Laura back, right?" "They don't care how." "Still, I'm not sure it's wise." "I mean, your brains, my warrior instincts... we couldn't lose." "We'd be heroes, Sam." " That's disgusting!" " You just spit on my hand." "What is she doing?" "Got any floss in there?" " Do you mind?" " Ow!" "When did you start flossing?" "I have been flossing for a long time." "Well, not that long." "Come in!" " Is that your own?" " Yeah." "Sheriff's here!" "Oh, it's about time!" "Let me talk to him." "I knew it!" "I knew you'd find her!" "They're fliers, ma'am, that's all." "Afraid there's no news just yet." "But it's so dark out." "Well, that's why we probably won't have much luck... till morning... but I've got my men on overtime." "And these things are posted everywhere." "You folks used to be more talkative." "Good night." "Hey, Laura, can I talk to you for a minute?" "Why don't you level with me?" "Why don't you tell me what's going on?" "I don't know what you mean." "Well, your parents didn't die... in a chemical weapons explosion in Libya." "Well, like I said... there is some controversy." "Are they looking for you?" "Did you run away?" "You can tell me." "I already told you the truth." "Fine." "If that's all you have to say... we'll talk again tomorrow." "Hey, Laura..." "I don't appreciate being lied to... or being made fun of... and that goes double for my wife and my kids." "I mean, you're a guest here... and you're welcome to stay here as long as you'd like... but not with that glib attitude of yours." "I don't know what it is you're used to where you come from... but around here..." "I expect a little more tolerance for other people." "Am I understood?" "Yeah." "Good night, Mr. Smith." "Good night." "I felt like talking." "Can I get you something?" "You think it's too late for the pill?" " Are you in pain?" " No." " Look, I have some aspirin..." " Stop." "I'm just joking." "You want me to get David?" "I am not going to go into labor, I swear." "I'm not used to having company, you know." "Well, don't you get lonely by yourself out here?" "No, I kind of like it." "It's quiet." "Yeah." "Today was a pretty loud day." "Yeah." "We are quite a troupe, aren't we?" "Things are going to be different with John and Yoko." "I'll be their whole family if I have to be." "You're ready for that?" "Truly?" "I can't wait." "You're so young." "I'll tell you a secret." "When I was younger... the doctor told me that I'd never have kids." "Poor David thought he had the perfect mistress." "But then they told me... and... and it's twins, you know?" "I can't even describe the feeling." "It was..." "it was incredible." "It was incredible." "This is unit 1-4-A-2-7... requesting description on runaway juvenile." "D" " R-4-7 Zulu 8." "Hi." "How you doing?" "I'm good." "And that'll be 2.98." "I'll give you... eleven cents." "Eleven cents." "For all this?" "What is that, a deal?" "You caught me." "I can see you're a man who knows what he's doing." "Thirteen cents." "High as I can go." "Yeah." "Well, that, like, barely pays the tax." "I must be crazy." "Must be out of my mind." "But I'm going to throw in this very rare copper penny." "Hey, look, little girl... if you can't pay for it, put it back." "If you look closely, Abe's winking." "What are you, deaf?" "I said, if you can't..." "I said..." "give her the Cocoa Cakes." "Yeah, would you like a bag for those?" "Forget it." "I don't want the Cocoa Cakes, or these..." "You want the Wing Dings?" "Those fruit pies over there are pretty good." "Go crazy." "I'll take cash." "Cash?" "Not cash." "What, did I start a heist here or something?" "Down on the floor!" "Not you." "Cops!" "God!" "I swear I'd never met these people in my life!" "Run!" "Wait up, guys!" "Let's go!" "Move it!" "Come on, come on, come on!" "Let's go!" "Go!" " Move it!" " Go!" "Move it!" "Who the hell is she?" "Aah!" "Hold it right there!" "Whoa!" "Hey!" "Stop!" "We did it!" "Better luck next time." "This is great!" "Now we're cooking." "I love this shit." "Ha ha ha!" "I don't believe it." "She robbed a convenience store." "Well, yes and no." "We think she didn't really mean to." "Don't make excuses for her." "No." "What I mean is... she seems to have fallen in with some bad kids." "Oh, that's it." "Bad kids." "At least we know she's OK." " What did I miss?" " Laura's on a crime spree." "What does that mean, "fallen in"?" "I hate to interrupt, but has anybody seen Kurt and Sam?" "They're still asleep in the back of the truck." "I was afraid you'd say that." "Hey, that was a felony, right?" "That was my first felony." "I don't know if you guys picked up on it or not... but I was a little nervous there at first." "But, you guys, it was a pleasure working with such professionals." "Hey, you're runaways, right?" " Yeah, I'm a runaway, too." " Small world." "Hey, who are you running from?" "Maybe we can join forces or something." "We're running from the cops." "What do you think?" "Hey, how much we get?" "Count it." "40... 42... 62 bucks!" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "All that for 62 bucks." "Hey, look, we got some fruit... we got munchies..." "we got smokes!" "How far do you guys think we're going to get?" "As it is, the car's only good for a day, tops." "That bastard was holding out on you." "Hey, I saw the drawer, you didn't." " And we cleaned it, OK?" " What about a safe?" "Did you think about maybe looking around for a safe?" "The cops, remember?" "We didn't have any time." "You blow, you know that?" "Wish I was the guy." "If I was the guy..." "I'd be showing you how things are done." "Get a sex change." "You know, there'd better be some resale in the trunk." "Hey, you know, you can just kiss mine, all right?" "Yeah, in your dreams." " Shut up!" " Piss off!" "What?" "Screw you!" "Screw you!" "Ha ha ha ha!" " You're an idiot." " No, you're an idiot." "You're a freak." "Ha ha ha!" "What is with you?" "You guys are brother and sister, right?" "How did she know that?" "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "Heh." "You folks are getting a mite careless, aren't you?" "Been losing kids like car keys." "11/2 a day on the average." "Hey, could get us on that show..." "America's Unsolved Mysteries." "I'll go radio these in, but do me a favor, will you?" "Stay alert." "You haven't got that many left." "If I know Kurt, he'll take the toughest trails." "Are you sure you guys want to come with me?" "I'm coming." "Yeah, I'm going." "Look, I hear any arguing, I'll leave you." "Don't think I won't." "OK, Jessie, I'm gonna have to go now." "OK?" "I'll just be gone for a little while." "Don't be upset, darling." "OK?" "I'll be right back." "Barb?" "Barb, will you give me a hand here, please?" "Jessie, baby." "She's freaking out totally on me here." "Jessie, look at Mommy." "Baby, I'm just going for a little while." "Daddy's gonna be right back." "Daddy is gonna be right back." "What the hell is wrong with her?" "Will you just let me handle this?" " Come on, baby." " It's OK." "Stop crying, sweetie." "You'll make yourself sick." "Oh, God." "All right." "Just go on, OK?" "I'm not..." "I'm staying." "OK?" "That was horrifying." "I've never felt so bad and good at the same time." "Don't let it go to your head." "I've seen her do the same thing over a Fudgsicle." "She's grown so much." "I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of her life." "Yes, you are." "You know one thing Laura learned from me?" "That she should never, never rely on me." "I don't want Jessie to do the same thing." "What do you want, David?" "I want... to earn Jessie's trust." "I want..." "I want her to know how much I love her mother." "I miss you." "L..." "I want..." "I want to come home." "David... you cannot do this to me." "I won't be your easy answer." "I'll try to be your friend." "I'll try to be your biggest fan." "But you've got to work this mess out by yourself." "I know." "Well, listen... assuming I could work out this mess... do I still have to just be your friend?" "Heh heh!" "Ask me again in a month or so." " We'll see what happens." " You'll say yes?" " No." " No?" "But I'll be starting to break." "They're gone." "Great hideout, guys." "Aah!" "Aah!" "What'd you do?" "It's bleeding." "Oh, leave it alone." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "I've been looking for you." "Here I am." "Well, there's a keg party on the raft tonight." "Invite only." "Will I be getting an invitation?" "You just did." "You should come." "It'll be fun." "Mom..." "I can't believe it." "He talked to me." "And there's this party." "Oh, god." "I don't know what to wear." "You have to help me." "Mom, aren't you excited?" "Sure I am, sweetheart." "That's great." "Do you think I should wear my sundress?" "That would look good." "Mom, what's wrong?" "Are you worried?" "I... just can't take it." "Don't worry." "You'll be OK." "In the meantime... put some of that calamine lotion on it." "It'll stop it from itching." "Un!" "It's zero." "Shit!" "You have brought us nothing but bad luck." "Where did you come from?" "Who invited you?" "Who are you?" "You're not a runaway." "I know a spoiled little rich girl when I see one." "She was scamming for food at the store." "I ran away from my family." "I did." "Oh, what'd they do?" "They beat you up?" "No." "I didn't think so." "What did they do to you that was so terrible?" "Come on, tell me." "I want to know." "What's the matter with you?" "I trust no one." "Give me your bag." "I didn't do anything to you." " Hey, come on, Deb." " Leave her alone." "I'm not settling for 62 bucks." "Where is it?" "You won't find any money." "Don't." "Oh, yeah?" "You're not so tough... jerk." "So much for the legacy of great minds." "You got to have a left hook to make it in this world." "Ahh." "A book." "Is philosophy biodegradable?" "I guess we'll find out." "I chose last time." "What happened to your warrior instincts?" "Eeny meeny miney moe..." "Great." "Just great." "A little while ago... you were reading squirrel spoor... and telling me that Laura was favoring her right foot." "Now it's pick a path..." "any path." "I'm tired." "Well, you're no help, Mr. Wizard." "I can tell you which way is north... but I have no idea if north is good." "Heh." "Some genius." "You know..." "I bet you cheated on all those tests." "Give me some beef jerky." "We have to conserve our supplies." "Ow!" "Maybe we'll get lucky and Laura will rescue us." "Kurt!" "Sam!" "We're over here!" "Over here!" "We're behind the bushes!" "Where are you guys?" "Keep yelling." "Yeah." "We're over here!" "Over here!" "Oh." "Here they are." "Playing innocent." "Over here!" "Over here!" "Is everyone OK?" "Yeah, we're OK." "Hang on, guys." "I can't get through that way." "Kurt." "Kurt, if I move, it'll bite me." "Josh, hurry!" "Kurt, grab it from the..." "Kurt!" "Kurt, please get it away!" "Kurt!" "Get it away!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Hey, Kurt." "Kurt." "Kurt!" "I think he's dead... or rehabilitated." "Oh, Jesus." "Is, um, is that... uh, that's... that's a rattler." "Crotalus viridis." "Timber variety." "Notice the horny interlocking joint." "Well, whatever he was, he's a belt now." " Are you hurt, son?" " You OK?" "Uh, no, no." "But it's a common problem in life-threatening situations." "What is?" " You peed in your pants." " Yeah." "Same here." "This is sexist." "We shouldn't just be sitting around doing nothing." "Would you two mind keeping it down?" "I thought we agreed not to pretend to be friends." "We're not pretending." "We're just talking." "You're asking for trouble, you know." "Well, we won't talk about David." "Please." "Oh." "All right." "Um... say, Barbara, how's the sixth grade science class?" "Fine, thank you, Melinda." " You're a teacher?" " Yeah." "That's so cool." "That's nice of you to say." "But you don't do anything, right, Melinda?" "I'm a mother." "You'll see." "Well, Kurt... what you did back there, oh, that was so brave." "Not really." "I was scared." "Of course you were, but then you overcame it." "Oh, I am proud of you, soldier." "It's no good anymore, Dad... this army game stuff." "It used to be fun... but I'm too old for it now." "It feels phony." "It's not meant to be a game." "It teaches you self-discipline... and you proved it." "Your training works." "Dad, give it up." "My toilet training didn't even work." "I don't like to be in danger." "L..." "I like to pretend I'm in danger." "I'm not sure yet... but I think I'm going to be a movie star." "Heh." "Ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "Oh, God." "I know you're upset, soldier, but..." "Will you stop calling me that?" "!" "You're not listening to me." "Yes, I am listening." "Um... you were saying that, uh..." "I quit... sir." "That was brave." "Dad?" "Dad?" "What?" "Could, um... could we go fishing sometime?" "Fishing?" "Yes, fishing." "Of course, if you want to." "You'd have to teach me." "Is it hard?" "No, Sam, it's... it's not hard... and I'll show you." "It'll be fun." "Decided to show." "I had nothing better to do." "You look... great." "I want you to meet someone." "I'm sorry." "What was your name again?" " Corrine." " I'm Kyle." "Corrine, I'd like you to meet my little brother." "Now, he's a shy one, so be nice." "Foxy mama, we meet at last." " Hi." " Hi." "Ready to leave?" "OK." "Nice hair." "Nice dress." "Nice..." "Aah!" "You want me to beat the shit out of him for you?" "No." "That's OK." "It's the thought that counts." "Just as well." "Damn dog!" "I don't want you interrupting me while I'm watching TV." "I said no barking, you hear?" "Or else I'm gonna get rid of you!" "You hear?" "You eat more than you're won'th." "I said, no barking." "Damn dog!" "Missed my favorite TV show." "Come on." "Come on." "Run away." "You're free now." "Just go." "You stupid mutt." "Don't just stand there." "He's gonna hurt you again." "What's the matter with you?" "You think it's your fault." "Are you thinking about Laura?" "I guess she thinks I lied to her." " Did you?" " No." "I didn't call my dad." "I called Barbara." "I wanted Laura to be able to stay the summer with me." "And I thought that Barbara could convince everybody." "I kind of liked having her here." "I guess..." "I don't know." "Josh?" "Never mind." "It's not important." "Yeah, it is." "Come on." "You owe me a secret." "Say it." "I'm lonely." "Hey, that's no secret." "Why don't you kiss me?" "What?" "I want you to." "Stephanie, you're taken." "No, I'm not." "I'm..." "I'm busy, not taken." "Thank you." "Well, I think it's OK if you fellas... want to get on back to your offices." "And, uh..." "where's the family?" "Just over on the other side." "Am I hallucinating?" "Look at them all." "What a turnout." "Dad..." "Barbara..." "Mom." "What about Hawaii?" "I must have missed something." "Well... what?" "It could be nothing." "Maybe you and I should speak privately first." "We're all in this." "What is it?" "Recognize this?" "Uh..." "Hey." "Ohh." "You scared the hell out of me." "Yeah." "That makes us even." "Welcome back." "I'm not back... not yet." "Only I can say if I'm back or not... and I haven't decided yet." "All right, look, suit yourself." "It's up to you." "Except you'll tell on me again, right?" "Hey, I kept my promise to you." "I did not call Keith." "I called Barbara." "Barbara?" "Yeah." "You could've stuck around a little bit longer to find out." "All right, look, you do what you want." "I am not gonna play adult with you." "You might just want to take it from somebody who knows..." "Laura, you can't run away from these people." "I don't care where you go." "In five years, they'll be your family." "In ten years, they'll be your family." "I mean, look... do the math." "Come on." "You coming?" "How do I know things will change?" "You don't." "Will it at least get less weird?" "It'll probably get weirder first." "You coming?" "Laura, Laura, Laura!" "I'm back." "Long time no see." "Hi, Laura." "Hi." "Hi." "Broke through your block." "Thanks to you." "Don't you ever, ever do that to me again." "I won't." "Oh." "You..." "Mom, what happened?" "I know." "I look like Elephant Woman." "No, but that's a good line." "I look like one of those, uh, radiation monsters... in a Japanese horror movie." "I don't care." "I owe you... a nice, long talk." "We can do it later." "Oh, no... we can't." "I know what you're thinking... pretty weird, huh?" "But Josh was right." "Things just got weirder and weirder and weirder." "Ha ha ha!" "I don't know about this water." "It's so green." "Oh, be quiet." "I prefer to jump when it's at least one fathom deep." " Ha ha!" " Ha ha!" " Hang on." " No!" "Whoa!" "Are we ready?" "As we'll ever be." "Go!" " Aah!" " Aah!" "As someone once said..." ""Why torture yourself when life will do it for you?"" "Who said that?" "I did." "Go ahead and quote me." "Ha ha ha ha!"