"JIM:" "Previously on According to Jim..." "Cheryl, this is my partner, Officer Laraine Elkin." "Oh!" "Yes." "Pleasure to meet you, citizens." "Nice to meet you." "I just don't see what's the harm in suggesting that Danny ask Laraine out." "Cheryl, there are certain unwritten rules that men honor." "I know." "I know." "Eyes straight ahead at the urinal." "We may not even have been married if Danny hadn't meddled the night we met." "Danny?" "Yeah, that night in the bar." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Okay, we gotta go." "Oh, no, no, no." "No, you can't go." "Why?" "Because Jim really likes you." "Now, come on, let's go in there and just ask Laraine to the ball." "Come on." "She's gonna say yes." "I guarantee you." "She's going to the ball with me." "What?" "Ah, I see." "Getting a little late." "I think I better just go home and clean my gun." "Jim, walk me to my car?" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Oh, baby!" "Okay." "So, Andy asked her out," "Danny left upset and you just let it happen?" "God, I could kill Andy." "I worked so hard to get Danny and Laraine together." "Well, why don't you try to fix Dana up with someone?" "I wouldn't mind if she never spoke to me the rest of her life." "Danny won't be mad at you forever." "Oh, come on." "Please." "I think your credibility is a little tenuous right now." "Well, you leave a thesaurus on the crapper, you take your chances." "(SIGHING)" "You know, Jim, all my instincts are telling me there's something there." "Andy just threw a wrench in things." "Now, what we have to do..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "We?" "No, no, no." "What we did already is we screwed things up good." "No more meddling." "That's it." "Come on." "Uh-uh." "Oh, she couldn't take her eyes off him." "It's like I used to look at you before you started peeing with the door open." "Oh." "Come on." "Uh-uh." "Tell Andy not to take Laraine." "Why does it always have to be me?" "Why is it, "Jim, talk to Andy." "Jim, take out the garbage." "Jim, get off me"?" "All right, fine." "I'll talk to Andy like I do everything." "You just sit there with a beer in your hand watching TV." "Uh, Cheryl!" "What?" "There's no beer in my hand." "Hey." "So, is Danny gonna take Laraine to the ball?" "No." "Andy beat him to the punch." "(GROANS)" "And your sister won't let go of it." "I don't know why she's so hell-bent on getting the two of them together when I'm sitting here all single." "Well, you know, you do the easy ones first, then you tackle the miracles." "I don't know." "I think she feels obligated because she believes that Danny is responsible for putting us together." "Excuse me." "If anyone gets credit for getting you together, it should be me." "So, did I tell you I love my mother and I have a full-time job?" "Does that do anything for you?" "No." "Harry, keep the wine coolers coming." "Hey." "Hey." "I need to talk to you." "Privately." "Oh." "No problem." "I can take a hint." "Perfect timing." "I got to take the Browns to the Super Bowl." "(GROANING)" "Oh, my God." "You're gonna think I'm crazy, but I'm gonna let that Jim guy walk me home." "Oh, Cheryl." "Not the dancing machine." "Yeah." "Look." "What?" "There's Chad." "I forgot I told him I was gonna be here." "You got to help me." "What?" "Cheryl, he's your boyfriend." "What do you want me to do?" "I need you to do something to keep him here." "I don't want him to see me walking with Jim." "Please." "All right." "I'll try to think of something." "Okay." "Thank you." "Okay." "Hey, Dana." "Hey, Chad." "Where's Cheryl?" "She said she'd be here tonight." "Yeah." "But she's not." "Okay." "I'll just wait for her out front." "Oh." "No, no, no." "Don't do that." "Don't..." "Don't do that." "Why?" "No, no, no." "Because she..." "She's..." "Because..." "Oh." "She had a boyfriend?" "No, Jim." "She jumped right out of the convent and into the bar where you met her." "I left a message for Andy." "I told him I'll call him tomorrow." "Wait, here's a thought." "Why don't we ask your boyfriend, Chad, to talk to Andy?" "What?" "The 12 years that we've been talking about the night we met, you never mentioned you had a boyfriend." "Oh, come on." "Obviously, he wasn't a serious boyfriend." "I broke up with him for you." "What's the problem?" "Here's the problem." "A, you had a boyfriend," "B, you forced Dana to make out with him, and C, the erotic quality of my dancing was totally lost on you." "Whoa!" "You made out with Chad?" "Only for 10 minutes." "(GASPS)" "But, Cheryl, I did it for you." "Did you like it?" "I don't know." "Did you?" "No." "(GASPS)" "You liked it!" "Oh." "This is so like you." "You always want everything I have." "Cheryl, you know what?" "All right." "Fine." "You know what?" "I did like it." "He was a great kisser." "Oh, and guess what else you don't know." "I was the one who broke your Holly Hobbie Oven." "(CHERYL EXCLAIMS)" "Hey!" "Hey!" "What about me?" "The guy who's been lied to for the last 12 years." "Mom?" "Yeah." "Is it okay if we eat all the icing?" "Oh, honey." "Of course it is." "It's fun." "Mommy?" "CHERYL:" "Yeah." "Is it okay for a person to eat bugs?" "No, honey." "That's gross." "Have you been eating bugs?" "No." "Hey, Cheryl." "What's up?" "Hey!" "Well..." "Whoa!" "Rocky Road Brownies." "Mmm." "Oh, yeah." "Mmm!" "Take me home, Rocky Road." "Wow." "I haven't had these since..." "Well, since you had to tell me Kitty Mittens got hit by a truck." "Oh, dear God." "What's wrong?" "Oh, all right, all right." "All right." "Look, look." "Andy, I don't wanna hurt you, but you're standing in the way of true love." "Danny really likes Laraine." "Laraine likes him." "So, would you please be the bigger man and cut her loose?" "Wait, wait, wait." "Wait a minute." "You'd rather see Danny happy instead of your own brother?" "I'm just saying, the love train is rolling, and you got to get off the tracks." "Hey, maybe these brownies will soften the blow." "Mmm." "No deal." "Why?" "Because women can make me brownies, but brownies can't make me women." "Okay." "But Danny helped Jim and I get together the night we met." "Oh, I see." "And Danny was the only one helping you two get together that night?" "Well, there was Dana." "What about me?" "Oh, honey." "You were too young to even get into Hannigan's." "Who said you had to get into Hannigan's to make a difference?" "Beat it, kid." "You're not 21." "Oh, sure, sure I am." "It says right here on my military ID." "Yeah, right." "They let you wear your hair like that in the army?" "I put it up when I'm on recon." "Semper Fi!" "I don't think so, Slim." "What the hell was I fighting for over there?" "Oh." "Oh." "You know what?" "I forgot my jacket." "All right." "But look, don't sneak out the back door, because they got it locked." "(CHUCKLES) Oh." "Yes!" "Hey." "Hey." "How you doing?" "Ah, you know." "Same old." "Same old." "Some girl you got in there." "Hey, forget it." "She's way out of your league." "Hey, but she's got a sister." "No, she's out of your league too." "Really?" "I bet you, by the end of the night, I can show you a picture of them in the bathtub with me." "You're a creepy little kid, aren't you?" "So I've been told." "Hey, listen." "You think you're gonna get lucky tonight?" "Oh, brother." "I'm lucky just meeting this one." "She is so sweet." "Oh, Patty." "ANDY:" "Oh." "Who's Patty?" "JIM:" "My girlfriend." "What?" "You have a girlfriend?" "Yes." "I've been trying to break up with her for, like, three weeks now." "But it's really hard." "I'm using her car, you know." "Tough luck, buddy." "I thought that blonde looked easy." "Hey, watch your mouth." "Hey." "Listen, you know what?" "She's a nice lady, you know." "Show some respect." "All right." "Take it easy." "You really dig this Cheryl, huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "If Patty blows it for me, I'm keeping her car." "Okay, um, what does Patty do for a living?" "She's a registered nurse." "(LAUGHING) Nurse." "It's almost too easy." "(GASPING)" "(GASPING) Tingles." "Taste pennies." "Oh, God!" "I'm having a heart attack." "Is there a nurse?" "I need a registered nurse." "I'm a nurse." "What happened?" "Ah." "Some fat chick fell down." "She'll be all right." "I know CPR." "What?" "No!" "No!" "(SCREAMING)" "So, Jim had a girlfriend." "Interesting." "Cheryl, I tell you a tale of sacrifice and heroism and all you can take away from it is that Jim had a girlfriend." "Well, that you never told me about." "You know, I'm surprised at Jim, but I'm disappointed in you." "Well, I'm disappointed in your brownies." "(GASPS)" "Oh, yeah." "And you know what?" "Another thing." "I'm not only taking Laraine to the ball, but I'm gonna take these disappointing brownies as a thank you." "Twelve years too late." "A little dry." "Just like your pork chops." "Somehow you still managed to have thirds." "I was being polite." "I learned manners and cooking from Mother." "It appears you learned neither." "Good day, madam." "(MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SINGING)" "Hey." "Way to go." "Thank you." "All right." "Some of us are gonna take a little break now." "And since all the police in the city are here tonight, we're gonna rob some liquor stores." "Hey, Jim." "You can take my car." "I got fake tags." "And the mind of a child." "Dana, may I cut in?" "Oh, sure." "Thanks." "Really?" "Yeah." "You're a good guy." "I love you." "And you're done." "Smile." "Keep smiling, hide the pain." "(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "Look at him over there." "Miserable and alone." "And if you hadn't tried to play cupid, he'd just be alone right now." "I wish we had somebody else to fix him up with." "Is Nurse Patty available?" "Patty was a nice girl." "She had a nice car." "That's different." "You know what I liked about Patty?" "What?" "She knew how to let things go." "All right." "Let it go." "Go ahead." "Why don't you say it." "Cheryl, you were wrong." "Cheryl, you shouldn't have been meddling." "Cheryl, boxer briefs are fruity." "I kind of like the boxer briefs." "What?" "But there's a breaking-in period." "They're nice." "You know what, I still think Danny and Laraine belong together." "I just think it stinks that it's never going to happen." "Hey, you foxy lady, you wanna twirl?" "Oh." "Oh." "Tony, no, I'd love to." "But Jim, he gets so jealous." "No, that's cool, baby." "Go." "Oh!" "Uh..." "All right, then." "Beat it." "Hey, Dana..." "Beat it." "Nice party." "(SIGHS) Yeah." "Yeah." "You know what would make it even better?" "What?" "If I could stop thinking about you making out with Chad Golditch." "Cheryl, I was trying to help." "How?" "By sticking your tongue down his throat?" "I'm sorry." "Oh, my God." "You stuck your tongue down his throat." "Well, he opened his mouth." "I didn't want to be rude." "It was a long time ago." "If it's any consolation, I promise you I will never stick my tongue down Jim's throat." "Oh, please." "I don't even do that anymore." "(CHUCKLES)" "I'm sorry." "Oh, I'm sorry too." "Oh, yeah!" "Beat it!" "Beat it!" "Hey, Danny." "Hey, Jim." "You're ready to jump up on stage to do that song?" "(SIGHS) I'm kind of busy here." "Doing what?" "Visiting my real friends." "Professor Gin and Field Marshall Von Tonic." "They're always here for me." "All right, that's it." "You're coming with me." "Where are we going?" "Come on." "You're gonna explain to Laraine how you feel." "Look, I've played that game, and I lost." "I had an incompetent coach." "That's another story." "Oh, yeah?" "Is it as riveting as the story about the cut-off corduroy pants?" "Forget it." "Jim, I'm better off alone." "Now I feel like an idiot for showering." "Alone." "Alone." "Alone." ""I'm better off alone."" "We're not better off alone, Danny." "Come on." "What would have happened if I never met Cheryl?" "Where would you find me today?" "Well, the guy I knew was headed for a full denim wardrobe with numbers over the shirt pocket." "Yeah." "And you'd still be up in a tree, naked with a crown of beer bottles screaming," ""I'm the Queen of England."" "That only happened once." "(LAUGHING)" "And I believed it at the time." "I know you did." "Come on, man." "The point is that maybe Laraine is your Cheryl." "You don't wanna pass up on that, do you?" "She passed up on me." "I asked her out, she said no." "You didn't ask her out." "You asked her if she needed a ride." "I don't know how much clearer I could have been." "Well, you could be clearer now, Your Highness." "Come on." "You know, I've never made love to a cop before." "Not intentionally, anyway." "Let's go." "Hey, get lost, pal." "I'm reeling in this bird." "All right." "Look, we'll make this short, simple, and quick." "What are you doing?" "I am trying to give fate a hand." "Move." "Now look, I don't wanna hear anything about being married to the badge or lady justice." "You two are sad and lonely people with a desperate need for some companionship." "So, you know..." "You talk amongst yourselves now." "JIM:" "Andy!" "Laraine, you don't have to stand here and talk to me." "I have no legal right to detain you." "You like me?" "Well, you are a woman possessed of certain non-displeasing attributes which, to a man like myself, would perhaps respond..." "Just say, "Yes."" "Yes." "Michalski, I am as swollen and bloated with love for you as that John Doe we fished out of Lake Michigan." "Wow." "He was a ripe one too." "You said it." "Dance?" "Jim, how could you do that to me?" "I spent three hours getting the love den ready." "I put on the zebra sheets." "I know, Andy." "I know." "I know it's a bummer for you." "Look, how can I make it up to you?" "I don't know." "A hug would be nice." "(GRUNTS)" "Look, we're in the middle of a room full of cops." "How about a handshake?" "I love this beautiful, beautiful man." "Oh, yeah." "Beat it!" "Beat it!" "Get away." "Get away from me." "Have fun walking to your car." "Yeah, thanks." "Hey." "Did you see?" "Danny and Laraine are dancing together." "JIM:" "Yes." "You're welcome." "Did you do this?" "Well, I said, "Men don't meddle."" "I didn't say we weren't good at it." "Oh, thank you." "Your brother's a little bummed." "Aw." "Oh, Andy." "Oh, honey, don't worry." "There's somebody out there for you." "I know." "I know." ""You're a catch." "They'll be lining up to meet you." ""You have a good heart." "You should take better care of it."" "That is true." "You guys, Danny and Laraine..." "We know." "Oh, poor Andy." "You know what, you have a good heart." "You should take better..." "Hey, anyway, you wanna dance?" "I guess so." "I'm dancing with my sister." "It's like my senior prom all over again." "Hey, beauty." "Hey." "You wanna bust a move?" "Oh, oh, honey." "Please don't." "No, no." "Come on, come on." "I'll behave." "CHERYL:" "They're so happy." "Yeah, they are." "That's nice to see, isn't it?" "Well, I guess you were right." "Fate intervened." "No." "No." "We intervened." "We did it." "Us." "What are you saying?" "Well..." "Dip." "Honey, the night we got together everybody helped." "It may not have happened if it weren't for that." "I mean, you know, maybe it's not fate at all." "I don't know." "I don't know." "Maybe fate is being at the right place at the right time." "Spin." "Oh." "That's true." "You know, fate did put us in Hannigan's together." "Yeah." "Yeah." "That was lucky." "Yeah." "I mean, so, okay." "So he's a doctor." "But Doctors Without Borders?" "Where's the money in that?" "(SCOFFING) Oh!" "You keep being that picky, and you're still going to be alone in 10 years." "(BURPS) Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Yeah." "Like I'm gonna be alone." "You know what, the truth for me is that I really just don't care that much about looks." "I mean it." "I mean, I just want a hardworking guy who loves me and makes me laugh." "Good luck." "Oh, and it wouldn't hurt if he was a great dancer." "SUBWAY CONDUCTOR:" "Irving Park." "Oh, this is me." "All right." "I'll see you tonight?" "All right." "Great." "Where?" "Oh, where?" "Oh, Hannigan's. 9:00." "Okay." "DANA:" "See you there." "Okay, bye." "(SINGING)" "(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)"