"there's one thing that absolutely everyone does when they come to a hotel." "They steal." "Soap, shampoo, teaspoons, ashtrays, bathrobes, lamps, phones, towels, remote controls, toilet seats." "You get people shelling out thousands of pounds a night who will piss in a miniature bottle of whisky if it means getting something for nothing." "And the most commonly stolen item from hotel rooms?" "Yeah, you guessed it." "But don't feel bad about it." "Hotels add 10% to every room rate to cover theft." "So help yourself." "Take a towel, some soap, an ashtray." "(PAGERS BEEPING)" "You own these items." "Whether you know it or not, you've paid for them." "Did you enjoy your stay with us, Mr Dennis?" "Very much so, thank you." "Such a warm, friendly atmosphere to the place." "Well, in that case, we hope to see you again very soon." "Thank you." "It's okay to steal from hotels." "Take what you want." "Just don't take the piss." "Because some thefts we just can't ignore." "(WHIMPERING)" "I knew it was in here yesterday." "Take your time, Lady Patton." "(CHUCKLING) Oh!" "Yes." "Here it is." "There." "Now, my friends are arriving for tea this afternoon, but poor Mr Tibbs has got a sore paw, so I'm going to have him checked." "I've got this wonderful little man in Harley Street, and he's promised to fit us in between appointments." "I'll call your friends and reschedule for you, Lady Patton." "Thank you." "And here, this is for you." "I'm a little short of cash today, but take this and I'll make it up to you later." "I'll be here till late." "Good morning, Lady Patton." "Oh, Rebecca, what a lovely dress." "Thank you." "Was your room to your liking?" "Oh, I slept like a baby." "But then, I always do." "You see, nothing gets through these earplugs." "I had them specially moulded to fit inside my ear." "The best £7,000 I've ever spent." "Well, if you do need anything or have any problems, please do let me know." "Yes, of course." "Oh, there's one tiny thing." "Yes?" "I left a little loose change on my bedside table last night, and I searched everywhere for it this morning, and it's gone." "You mean it's been stolen?" "Oh, no, I..." "Well, maybe it was." "How much money are we talking about?" "Oh, nothing much." "Two, maybe three thousand." "No big deal." "Are we certain there was any money in there in the first place?" "Lady Patton is the widow of Viscount Patton." "She could buy this entire hotel chain and everybody in it." "Why would she make up something like this?" "I'm not suggesting that she's lying, but is it possible she spent the money on a new pair of shoes and forgot?" "Is this going to take long?" "Just a few seconds." "It's gonna give us the last 30 people who have accessed the room." "All we're interested in is last night." "There we go." "Right." "10:38, accessed by a guest keycard." "Nothing until... 4:36 am, accessed by staff ID card AP287." "A member of staff went into her room?" "This is hilarious." "You should see some of these pictures." "Look at Tony." "That hair!" "What was he thinking of?" "Hey, do you want to see what you two looked like before?" "No." "All we want to know is who's assigned staff ID card... 287." "287." "287." "There you go." "Who's that?" "Aleksandr Popstov." "Night cleaner." "Never seen him before." "Aye, you wouldn't have." "According to this, he hasn't been on the payroll for five years." "Well, why was his security access not removed?" "Well, you see, that was Jag." "He wasn't on top of this stuff like I am." "Derek, you're good with faces." "You remember this guy?" "Aleksandr Popstov." "Doesn't look familiar." "If you see him knocking about, let me know, will you?" "Will do." "Cheers." "Right." "Here you go, mate." "Thank you." "Excellent." "REBECCA:" "It's not him." "Sergio?" "What are you doing to him?" "You know this guy?" "Well, of course I do." "He's my caviar supplier." "Oh." "(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)" "We thought he was a thief." "We?" "Okay, I thought." "James, take your supplier, give him a free meal and our apologies." "He's gonna come back here again, I know he will." "And when he does, I'll have him." "What if someone else is using his security card?" "Someone who does currently work here?" "Well, there's over 300 people in the building." "It could be anyone." "Well, then maybe this is a matter for the police." "Police?" "Something wrong?" "Well, for personal reasons, I'd prefer it if we avoided a situation where the police are questioning members of staff." "Of course." "Your record." "It wouldn't look good." "Plus, I was the duty manager on shift at the time of the theft." "Indeed you were." "If Lady Patton hasn't asked for the police to be involved, then perhaps for now we can deal with the matter internally." "The very first hotel I managed was robbed two days after I took charge." "The safe, money from the guest rooms, half the stock behind the bar, even the chair in my office." "Did you find out who did it?" "No, I knew it was a member of staff, but I never found out which one." "Two years I stayed there and because I never got to the bottom of it," "I never trusted a single one of them." "One bad apple." "I am not gonna let that happen here." "As some of you are probably already aware, a serious allegation of theft was made this morning." "The police haven't yet been informed, and we suspect that it could be an internal problem." "You mean it could be one of us?" "Here we go again." "Everyone accuse the housekeeping department." "You are in and out of the rooms all day long." "None of my girls are thieves." "Oh, come on, I've seen Tanya chew her way through a padlock before." "What about reception, then?" "They have access to every room." "Yes, but my all my staff speak English as a first language and know right from wrong." "Let's not make this a personal issue, please." "No one's accusing anyone else." "No, they are actually." "Anna and James are accusing housekeeping and Jackie's accusing reception." "Can I just say, for my two pennies, that I never trusted the waiters, eh?" "How dare you!" "It's always..." "No, no, no..." "All right." "All right, calm down!" "You all know my views on theft." "Anyone caught stealing faces instant dismissal." "Well?" "Yes, thank you, Derek." "You?" "Did you talk to her about Adam for me?" "Adam, Adam..." "My eldest." "Oh, right, the porter's job." "Look, I'll tell you what, she's on the warpath at the moment, Rebecca..." "Tony!" "...so it wasn't a good time to ask." "Thank you." "I'll mention it to Charlie." "He's a good kid, he just needs a break." "Yeah, course." "I'll mention it, Derek." "I promise." "Cheers, Tone." "New watch, Ben?" "Like it?" "Designer." "Must have set you back a fair bit, or did you land yourself a big gay sugar daddy?" "It's a fake." "That's funny." "I can usually spot a fake a mile off." "What are you up to, Columbo?" "Rebecca's asked me to do security checks." "Every lock, every floor." "Thank you so much." "Thank you, madam." "That's nice." "Should only take you about a week." "Lenny's at the top working his way down." "Listen, Derek's asked me for a favour." "You know this porter's job we're advertising?" "He wants his son to get the nod." "I didn't know Derek had kids." "Neither does his current wife." "He's got about six of them." "Six different kids from six different lap dancers." "His eldest is called Adam." "And get this." "He's called his first daughter Eve." "How about that for a God complex?" "What's his kid like?" "Well, I don't know." "You're gonna have to interview him." "That could be awkward." "Why?" "Well, if he turns out to be crap," "I'm gonna feel obliged to give him the job, aren't I?" "Just so Derek doesn't stab me." "Derek's harmless." "Well, no, he's not totally harmless." "Look, this is important to him." "His dad got him his job here, and he wants to do the same for his son." "I mean, how bad can the kid be?" "It's just a stomach ache, I think, but I can call the hotel doctor if you like." "(IN GREEK ACCENT) No, all I need is a day in bed to rest." "But what about the concert?" "We are booked to play in your Royal Albert Hall tonight." "Calista is the number one violinist in all of Greece." "Her fingers I have insured for millions." "They have sold the tickets." "You cannot cancel." "Daddy, I'm sick!" "When I was your age, I played every day." "No excuses." "She does seem unwell, sir." "I will go to them and explain." "Sir..." "This is a disaster." "She's a minor." "You can't just leave her alone in a hotel room." "Do you have children, miss?" "Yes, a son." "Then maybe I can give you a little money." "No, no, no, I don't think that's appropriate, sir." "So you can look in on my lazy daughter for me." "Although, I'm sure it will be fine." "Don't let me down." "If you need anything, call reception and they'll page me." "I'll check on you every hour, but ring me if you start to feel worse." "I just want to sleep." "Thanks." "Okay." "Charlie!" "Charlie!" "What's this?" "A list of every member of staff on duty when the theft occurred." "I've called them all back in for a chat." "You're gonna interview them all?" "No, I'm going to interrogate them all, and you are going to help me." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "In!" "Come in and take a seat," "Igor." "There's absolutely nothing to worry about, Igor." "We just want to ask you a couple of questions..." "Why did you break into Lady Patton's room and steal her money?" "Nobody's accusing you of that, Igor." "We just want to know if you saw anything out of the ordinary." "Are we not paying you enough, Mary?" "Did you see anything suspicious last night?" "Why did you do it, Rahman?" "Was there anyone hanging around on the 6th floor?" "Give me a name and you can go." "Exactly what time did you go off your shift?" "Confess now and you may just about avoid being deported." "Right, we're getting nowhere." "Well, you didn't expect anyone to confess, did you?" "Well, I can't put a line through any one of these names." "Except mine, of course." "You don't think that I..." "Something you want to get off your chest, Charlie?" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Anna." "You weren't on duty last night." "I know, but I've been doing some covert PI work and I thought you might like to hear what I came up with." "Okay, so Tony's been having rows with his wife about shopping bills." "Ben just bought a new watch, very expensive." "James is always going on about how he can't afford to move and suddenly he's put an offer in on a new flat." "And you know one-eared Maggie in the canteen?" "It's a problem." "I've brought you a very light chicken salad." "You should be able to keep it down." "Calista?" "Oh!" "Calista?" "Oh!" "Shit, shit, shit." "Has a 13-year-old Greek girl been through here?" "Yes." "Thank God." "Where is she now?" "I've no idea." "Well, when did you see her?" "Yesterday." "We're talking about Mr Pappas' daughter, right?" "He's quite something." "See, usually I find Mediterranean men a little bit too hairy, but I'd shear him back and not give it a second thought." "Anna, this is serious." "I have lost a virtuoso violinist." "Even if I did know what one of those was, I wouldn't be able to help you." "Sorry." "Oh!" "This is for everyone." "I want you to stop whatever you're doing and search the floor you're currently on." "We're looking for a 13-year-old Greek girl." "Answers to the name Calista." "Oh." "You know it's for staff only down here, don't you?" "I was just having a look around." "Ah, so you're the missing Greek girl." "Someone's looking for you." "I shall go back to my room, then." "But there's no hurry is there?" "We could take our time." "My dad would never allow boyfriends." "I didn't have a proper boyfriend until I was 16." "I know it's impossible to imagine, but it is important to hold out for the right person, and don't just fall for any old professional footballer." "Make sure he's playing in at least the first division." "I've been looking everywhere for you." "Relax, me and Cally have just been chilling." "You're supposed to be ill." "You're supposed to be looking after me." "Wait until my dad hears how you left me alone in there all day to dehydrate." "Ah, I've got such a soft spot for that kid." "Afternoon, Lady Patton." "Oh, good afternoon, Derek." "Oh, Derek, it's just the most terrible news." "I'm sorry to hear that, Lady Patton." "Mr Tibbs has a sprained paw." "Oh, poor little mite." "He's much too weak to travel." "We're just going to have to stay over another night." "That's bad luck for Mr Tibbs, but lucky for us, Lady Patton." "Oh." "Thank you." "You remember everything I told you?" "Yeah, yeah." "Sit up straight." "Be polite." "Compliment the bird." "She's not a bird." "She's Miss Mitchell to you." "Look, Dad, I know how to sell myself." "It's business." "The trick is to make them feel like they'll be lucky to have me." "Play it cool." "Not too cool." "How's your mother?" "Don't know." "Well, when was the last time you saw her?" "Don't know." "Last week?" "Last night?" "What?" "I don't know." "When was the last time you saw her?" "1987." "Hello, Adam." "All right, geez." "This is Rebecca Mitchell." "She's the General Manager of Hotel Babylon." "The big cheese, eh?" "Why don't you take a...seat?" "So, you're here for the porter's job?" "Yeah, maybe." "It depends on the package." "I can do most things, me." "Receptionist." "Waiter." "Security guard." "But I don't like cleaning." "That's birds' work, innit?" "How are you feeling today?" "I don't want her." "Baby, if you are not well enough to play the concert, then I must go talk to the promoters." "I want the other one looking after me." "Other one?" "She's in very good hands, Mr Pappas." "Please, call me Kris." "Oh, what a coincidence." "My dad's called Kris." "Not that I want to jump into bed with my father or anything." "She is a very special girl." "Please, be careful with her." "Trust me." "I know exactly what 13-year-old girls want." "What do 13-year-old girls want?" "16-year-old boys." "Much the same as you, I should imagine." "Good morning, I'd like to check in." "One moment, sir." "I'll be with you in a short while." "I didn't mean short." "I meant little." "No, I didn't mean that either." "Could I just have a room, please?" "Is that possible?" "Could you just reach over, press those little buttons of yours and make it happen?" "Sir, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." "I'm tired and it's all I've got." "Now, give me a room." "What the..." "Stop." "What is that noise?" "I have to practise for three hours a day." "Not on my shift you don't." "Sit!" "Someone needs a lesson in what music should really sound like." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)" "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come in!" "Oh, look, the maid's here." "Shouldn't you be on reception?" "Elevenses." "Don't let us stop you working." "Keep an eye on that one." "Apparently, there's a thief at large in the hotel." "So which one would you do first, the singer or the drummer?" "They're both cute." "That's my girl." "Threesomes all the way." "What's a threesome?" "Overrated." "And harder to come by than you'd imagine." "Take it from me, no matter what the guys say, when you actually call their bluff, they're not that keen to perform in the same room as each other." "Can I have a word?" "Take it easy with her, will you?" "Excuse me?" "She's a 13-year-old girl." "Just be careful what you say." "Teenage girls are very advanced these days." "Physically, perhaps, but not emotionally." "She's here to play concerts, not learn about boys." "You're just pissed off because she didn't want you to baby-sit." "That's not true." "Face it, Jackie." "I'm fun, you're not." "Everyone thinks it." "Stock take." "Two words that always guarantee a silence." "Right, the auditor will be in today, and I'm sure all of you will do what you can to help her with her task." "Good old Sally." "Always like to see her." "Actually, Gino, Sally won't be doing the audit this time." "Considering the current climate of theft, I made a phone call this morning and asked for Helen Merchant to come instead." "The ball-crunching bitch?" "I mean..." "Only ever heard of her." "I'm sure none of you have anything to worry about when it comes to your stock items." "You check your stock every week after all." "It should make no difference whatsoever if an outsider is confirming your figures." "In case I need to remind you, anyone caught stealing from my hotel will not only face instant dismissal, but likely prosecution." "Now we in the mighty shit." "I have fiddled the stock so many times, it doesn't make sense." "I have three bottles of Scandinavian melon liqueur that was banned six years ago." "In laboratories it made monkeys blind, but supermodels can't get enough of it." "I'm arrested if she find my supply." "It's the stuff she won't find that worries me." "Your boyfriend has stitch us up good and proper, eh?" "Hey, Charlie did not organise the audit." "No, but he is deputy manager now, so it is his job to tip us off." "You must deny him the sex for two weeks." "What?" "Two weeks?" "He must pay for his mistakes or how else will he ever learn?" "How was he?" "Who?" "The lad." "Adam." "Oh, right, yeah." "He was, um..." "We talked to him." "I know he can be a bit gobby." "My fault for not being around to kick him into shape when he was a lad probably, but he's got a heart of gold, he really has." "He just needs a chance." "Well, ultimately it's going to be Rebecca's decision, but..." "Put in a word for him?" "I'll see what I can do." "I'll buy you a pint for this, Charlie." "And you can hold me to that." "I need to talk to you about the porter's job." "Make it quick." "I'm interviewing a new head of security soon." "Derek's son Adam." "He's useless." "We can't give him the job." "I know we can't, but someone's got to tell Derek." "Good luck with that." "Rebecca, please." "Charlie." "Why do you think I have a deputy manager?" "It's for horrible, awkward little moments like these." "Let me know how it goes, won't you?" "I understand it's bit of a family tradition working here, Derek." "1974 my old man got me through the door." "Year of all the bombs, but you're too young to remember that." "Year I was born." "He stopped one of them happening, did you know that?" "He was working the door and he sees these two suspicious-looking characters hanging about and he chases them off." "And they dropped this bag, so he stops, has a look, it's full of explosives." "He saved hundreds, maybe thousands of people that day." "That's some claim to fame." "Oh, yeah." "He was telling that story in all the pubs right up till the day he died." "None of it got him a promotion or a pay rise, though." "Tight bastards." "Derek..." "Action stations." "Good afternoon, ladies." "What did you want me for, Charlie?" "Nothing, it can wait." "CHARLIE:" "The job of a hotel doorman is not as easy as it may first appear." "Good doormen are hard to find." "It's all in the genes." "Which is why the job tends to be handed down from father to son, generation to generation." "Not everybody can do it." "If you're prone to five-o'clock shadow, you should be prepared to shave two or three times a day." "And you'll need to be fit because standing on your feet for a 10-hour stretch takes its toll." "If you don't have a straight back and strong hips, you won't last a week." "You've got to have the right face." "Somewhere between a nightclub bouncer and your most embarrassing uncle." "The final skill you require..." "Well, it's not exactly a skill." "It's more an understanding of weight distribution." "The reward for providing excellent service." "Ladies." "Your table is ready for you." "Champagne, ladies." "Well, this is a jolly good start, James." "But of course, Lady Patton." "Well, to your very good health, ladies." "What are you doing?" "Oh, it's not mine." "I was just coming to tell you about it 'cause..." "Not eating?" "Nah." "Not hungry." "(SIGHING)" "Rebecca wants to involve the police in Lady Patton's theft." "Well, I'm surprised she hasn't done so already." "Personally, I think we should keep it internal." "Give the thief the opportunity to put the money back." "Lady Patton could find it in her bed and think she'd made some kind of mistake." "Why's a thief gonna do that?" "Well, if he thought we were on to him or if there was some way we could let him know that if he put it back, we weren't gonna take anything further, you know." "Have you got something you want to say to me, Charlie?" "No." "I'm just thinking out loud." "Well, I'll leave you to it." "Some of us have got work to do." "Now, we don't want you stuck in that room all day." "So, sit yourself here, order whatever you like the sound of and admire the view." "I'm not supposed to be doing stuff like this." "You're 13." "If you can't be reckless now, then when can you?" "What is she doing?" "Your nails." "Couldn't help but notice they're a little bit stubby." "It's probably because of all that boring violin stuff that you do." "But don't worry, a little buff and polish will see you right." "Oh, and if you could do something about the..." "Mmm-hmm." "I wish I had a big sister like you." "Oh!" "Yeah." "I guess I am pretty great." "Two whisky gingers, gentlemen." "Enjoy." "Rebecca, Miss Merchant is here." "The ball-cruncher." "I want you to be as thorough as possible, Miss Merchant." "Every bottle, napkin and peanut that can't be accounted for," "I want to know about it." "Before I start a job, I always ask a question." "Do you trust your staff?" "Well, I used to." "Well, then you've been naive." "In my experience, people are generally bad." "They lie." "They steal." "They copulate." "Well, I'm not sure I should judge them on that." "A sin is a sin, Miss Mitchell." "As well as the audit, would you like me to set any traps?" "Traps?" "I could stick an extra case of wine behind the bar, some steaks in the fridge, see where it ends up in the next audit." "That is a beautiful perfume you are wearing." "You smell like the beach at dawn." "What have I got here?" "Three items." "Small." "Breakable." "Should I record them as stock or write them off as damaged goods?" "(WHIMPERING)" "Please, do not crunch them." "Here's the deal." "You let me get on with my job and I'll let you father children." "Okay?" "Okay." "I want to know where it came from." "What's going on?" "I have just found £300 hidden in a balled-up sock in his locker." "What are you doing looking through our lockers?" "The question you should be asking is this." "What is a bellboy on £12,000 a year doing with this much cash in his locker?" "Dave?" "It's the sweepstake money." "Agneta in reservations." "She's having a baby." "Look." "We took bets on the sex, the size, the colour, the father." "I'll have a fiver on Ferdinand, the meat supplier." "Yeah." "Good call." "I'm not a tea leaf, Miss Mitchell." "And I don't know why you're accusing me after what I showed Charlie this morning." "What's all this?" "This one?" "Is this a joke?" "Dave must have got his information wrong." "All right, this has gone on long enough." "We are getting nowhere so I'm calling the police." "Rebecca, I don't..." "I'm sorry if this makes things uncomfortable for you, Charlie, but if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to fear." "Looking for something?" "That's a lot of money to have stashed in a hotel." "Money that I've earned and don't wish to declare to either the tax man or my wife." "Well, when Dave showed it to me, you can imagine what I thought." "Well, believe it or not, outside of the hotel I never do anything illegal or immoral." "I drink tea, play with the kids, watch a lot of crap television." "The point being, I'll bend the law for the guests, not myself." "I should know better." "Never doubt the concierge." "Sorry, mate." "I forgive you." "Hey, at least I know where to go if I need a bit of money." "Money?" "I don't see any money." "Do you?" "Goodbye and don't forget me while I'm in Rio." "Bye." "Bye, darling." "Bye." "(SIGHING) Oh, dear." "Hello, Mr Tibbs." "May I fetch you anything else, Lady Patton?" "Oh, I think just a trolley to take me back to my room, James." "If you don't mind me saying so, madam, every time you come here, I always feel a sense of sadness." "You're a very beautiful woman." "You have so many attractive qualities." "James, really." "Are you trying to pick me up?" "Please, I would never be so vulgar." "I simply wonder why there's never a gentleman at the table beside you." "I am a widow, you know." "A widow of 10 years." "If I were to meet a man whom I loved," "I would whisk him off around the world and treat him to any luxury he desired." "As I say, you have so many attractive qualities." "Yes, but would he love me for the right reasons?" "May I?" "Oh, yes, yes, do." "In my contact book," "I have the telephone numbers of some very renowned and wealthy gentlemen." "If you would permit me..." "James." "Between you and I, there is someone that I've had my eye on for a while." "Whenever I'm in London, he makes me feel... (SIGHS) I don't know." "There's just something about him." "Is he a gentleman of standing?" "In a way, yes." "Yes, he's..." "He's tall and handsome, polite, extremely considerate and immaculately presented." "Then I urge you, Lady Patton, don't let the opportunity pass you by." "(GROWLING)" "If she reports the figures to Rebecca, we are fired." "Plan B, then." "You offer her a bribe." "I don't know how to bribe people." "But you're Italian." "Yeah, and you are whatever the bloody hell you are." "I never make a bribe in my life." "Me, neither!" "We need someone who has experience in this area." "Right." "Who do we know that offers and receives bribes on a regular basis?" "First of all, I find the term "bribe" to be offensive." "What would you rather we call it?" "The more commonly used term is "incentive"." "This is why he is the best man for the job." "Now, let me see if I understand this." "Your stock figures are nothing but a bunch of random numbers plucked out of the sky." "Correct." "Correct." "And you'd like Miss Merchant to validate these figures, and in doing so, jeopardise her career as a respected and honest auditor." "Correct." "Correct." "Nice." "Okay, one question for you." "What is in it for me?" "Of course, your incentive." "Oh, you do learn fast." "I could let you have a nice 1997 Coeur de Cuvée." "Mmm-hmm." "I'll send a cleaner round to your flat once a week for a month." "Three months." "Two." "Done." "We're just changing your currency for you now, Mr Lakeside." "Sorry for the delay." "Thurrock." "Sorry, sir?" "The name is Mr Thurrock, not Mr Lakeside." "Can't you people get anything right?" "My apologies, Mr Thurrock." "(TUTTING)" "Well, well, well." "Now, I'll have to check with chef, but I believe that that is a stock item." "You have no proof." "Hmm." "I think that we can come to some sort of an arrangement over all this." "Wonderful." "Could you book that then for me, please?" "Thanks." "It's much appreciated." "Okay, so that's two theatre tickets, lunch at The Ivy, a tourist attraction of your choice valid until summer 2007, an hour session in the solarium and a bikini wax." "Is there anything else?" "They never gave me toys when I was growing up." "Twenty do it?" "Twenty?" "All right?" "You're having a laugh." "Mmm." "All right, then." "That'll do." "Deal." "Madam." "So, the ball-cruncher has a price after all." "If I can give you both a piece of advice, maybe it's time you started getting your stock items in line." "You still want that bottle of wine?" "That was the deal." "And you still want your home polished, bleached and made to smell nice?" "Of course." "Then don't expect miracles with the stock take." "Sorry about that, darling." "It was absolute mayhem up there." "Darling?" "Oops." "(GROANING)" "(GASPING) What have you done to her?" "No need to overreact." "She's just had a little bit too much to drink, that's all." "I might have made a slight miscalculation." "Finally, you admit it." "I should've made sure she'd eaten more before she started on the cocktails." "Maybe I am a little boring by your standards, but at least I'm not immature." "Just because you're a single mother, it does not make you mature." "If anything, it just makes you a bit common." "You know what, Anna?" "This is your mess." "You can dig your own way out." "Fine!" "Fine, I don't need your help anyway." "(SHRIEKS)" "(WEEPING)" "Jackie?" "Thank you." "Sorry?" "Didn't quite catch that." "You were the better baby-sitter." "You satisfied now?" "Doesn't get around the problem of her damaged hand." "If she can't play the violin, I don't know what we are gonna do." "It was my fault." "I was responsible." "So I shall deal with it." "Just so that I'm clear, exactly what would be the sensible approach to that?" "Telling the truth to Mr Pappas." "Right, okay." "Yep, then that's what I shall do." "Hold the lift!" "Tone." "Charles." "Alcopop." "Hmm?" "Aleksandr Popstov." "We used to call him Alcopop." "You know him?" "Well, he left a few years back, didn't he?" "In rather a hurry if I remember rightly." "Owed a few people money." "Myself included." "You lent him money?" "Do I look like I got the word "stupid" written on my forehead?" "You don't lend Russian cleaners money." "No, he got involved in a card game one night, drank too much and lost a bit more than he should've." "We never saw him again." "Who else was playing that night?" "Oh, you know." "Gino, Jagdeep, Derek." "Usual crowd." "Derek?" "Yeah." "Derek, you're good with faces." "Aleksandr Popstov." "Doesn't look familiar." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Come in." "Did you call the police?" "They're sending over a detective to take statements." "Can you ring them back and tell them that you've made a mistake?" "I'll do no such thing." "I know who went into Lady Patton's room." "(DEREK HUMMING)" "# Oh, when the sun beats down and burns the tar up on the roof" "# And your shoes get so hot you wish your tired feet were fireproof" "# Under the boardwalk Down by the sea, yeah" "# On a blanket with my baby # Ooh" "# Is where I'll be # Ooh" "# Under the boardwalk # Out of the sun" "# Under the boardwalk # Yeah!" "# Now we're having some fun" "# Under the boardwalk # People walking above" "# Under the boardwalk We'll be falling in love" "# Under the boardwalk Boardwalk!" "#" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Derek, could you spare us five minutes, please?" "I know what this is about." "You do?" "He's a good lad but just a bit too immature for the job, right?" "I was a lot like him when I first started here." "A few months scrubbing out the bins..." "Derek." "And Adam will figure this out, too." "He just needs one person to take enough interest, to give him a chance." "This isn't about Adam, Derek." "This is about you." "If you'd like to check the details of your final bill, Mr Pappas." "I am sure it is fine." "Mr Pappas, about your daughter's hand..." "Yes, she explained." "She did?" "She shut her arm in the bathroom door, the clumsy girl." "We have had to cancel the whole tour, so now we must return home." "I will get us a taxi." "Thank you." "Hotels are normally so boring." "Calista." "Calista!" "Our taxi is waiting." "BEN:" "Anna?" "Are you crying?" "I just had an emotional realisation." "I want children." "You should adopt." "Or I could foster." "Then I could have, like, hundreds of them." "Oh, my God." "Why, Derek?" "I..." "I was desperate." "Lost a few big hands of cards lately, been playing for bigger stakes than I normally would." "My daughter, Eve, she's dead set on university and I wanted to help her out, as any absent father would." "What happened to Alcopop?" "I didn't hurt him." "He was into me for a couple of hundred quid so I dangled him over a bridge for a while." "Pointless, because he had nothing to pay us back with." "I had hold of his watch and his wallet as security, you know, but worthless, the pair of them." "So I forgot all about it." "Then a couple of weeks ago, I'm clearing out the loft and there's his wallet with the security card in it." "I didn't think it would still work, but..." "What do you know." "You're to pay back every penny." "I'm afraid I can't do that, boss." "If I hadn't paid back what I owed, I wouldn't be sat here right now talking to you." "These are serious people I owed money to." "Lady Patton was the only time." "Please believe me." "She's so bloody rich, I didn't think she'd even notice it was missing." "And I wasn't gonna nick off someone who was gonna go without." "I don't have a choice in the matter, Derek." "I know you don't, boss." "Just wait here, please, Derek." "Bye." "See you." "Don't be soft." "No, no, no." "Agneta in reservations had her baby last night." "You actually won the sweepstake." "Must be my lucky day, eh?" "You're still odds-on favourite as the father." "CABBIE:" "Where to, sir?" "Will you run Derek back?" "I think I'll walk." "No problem." "Cheers, Mike." "You take care of yourself, Derek." "You too, mate." "He's got 30 years of loyal service behind him." "He's got six kids." "He's got a gambling addiction, an illness." "There must be something we can do for him." "Oh." "Must be a piece of piss working in here." "Just sitting down watching telly all day." "If you work hard enough and you keep your nose clean, you can have a future in hotel security." "Nah." "Can't imagine you get to meet many birds down here." "Can you look to your left?" "The other left." "So, what exactly does a junior porter do, then?" "If you'd just like to check your bill, Lady Patton." "Oh, thank you." "Oh, no, no, no." "This isn't right at all." "Madam?" "Well, I owe you much more than this." "We've deducted the £3,000 that was taken from your room." "Oh, don't be so ridiculous, dear." "The hotel isn't responsible for losses incurred in the guests' rooms." "I mean, it says so in your brochure." "Maybe so, Lady Patton, but sometimes we feel personally responsible." "All right, in that case, look, here you go, here." "There now." "(MUMBLING) Yes, quite a bit here and..." "Whatever's left over, just share it out among yourselves." "I must dash." "Oh, Lady Patton." "Your watch." "I'm in a hurry, dear." "I'll buy another one." "Anna, put this in the hotel safe till her next visit." "Yes, Rebecca." "Allow me, Lady Patton." "Oh, where's Derek?" "He's on a break, madam." "Oh, dear." "Oh, what a pity, I was going to..." "Oh, well." "Never mind." "Maybe on my next visit." "There you go." "Thank you very much, Lady Patton." "Have a safe journey." "Thank you." "Excuse me, I'm looking for the duty manager." "How can I help, Mr..." "Thurrock." "Which you would know already if I was a valued guest." "This is one of the worst hotels I've ever stayed in." "The staff are rude, the accommodation is lousy, and if I ever get to finish a meal without the plate being snatched away from me," "I'm sure I would find fault with it." "All of these things are in my report." "You're an inspector?" "If you want to keep your five stars, I recommend you make some changes." "And soon." "Full staff meeting, my office, five minutes." "CHARLIE:" "Everybody steals from hotels." "The guests." "The staff." "Even the deliverymen take what they want." "Overnight, ordinary law-abiding citizens turn into thieves." "A hotel represents excess, and wherever there's excess, there's a temptation to help yourself." "It's inevitable." "It's a luxury lifestyle." "And in a luxury world, it's easy to forget others and think only of yourself." "Oh, I left Mr Tibbs in my suite." "I am the worst parent in the world!" "I'm sure he'll be fine." "Oh." "Housekeeping are up there already," "I'll have someone bring Mr Tibbs down immediately." "Oh, good, good, good." "(GROWLING)" "(PHONE RINGING)" "(MR TIBBS YELPS)" "These guys are coming to get him." "I just hope I'm not on shift when that happens." "Murderous scum, but big tippers." "I will order in some more grappa, just in case." "What's the alarm for?" "If lose a star, we have to drop our rates." "If we drop our rates, we shed staff." "After a bad inspection, the manager threatens to sack the staff and the European Director threatens to sack the manager." "Wow." "Gorgeous and important." "Room service?" "Yes, please." "TONY:" "It's gangland code." "(GUN FIRING)"