"Plus it was so cold and wet and boring in the outfield." "I don't think I've ever seen a ball that slippery." "It was a difficult catch, Mark." "I wouldn't worry." "And it's just softball." "'This is it." "All systems are go." "'The apple is ripe, the cross hairs are centralised. '" "Soph, I was... wondering." "Do you..." "like Indonesian food?" "Erm, Thai, I quite like..." "'I can't do it." "It's too much." "I'm not American." "I can't... date." "'Restaurant on a barge?" "I might as well propose." "'The pub." "That's the English way. '" "Why?" "Oh, just..." "Nothing." "Everyone's going to the pub." "You want to...?" "The work gang?" "I don't think so." "Mind if I get changed?" "Oh, no, no." "Not at all." "'Oh, my God." "She's taking off her top." "'This is very promising." "Or is it...?" "'Would she do this if she fancied me?" "'Maybe we're..." "Oh, God, no, no." "'We're only bloody friends!" "'" "And she gave me a peck on the cheek." "It's a nightmare!" " Mm-hm." " I've got to close the deal, ask her out without asking her out." "One step forward, two steps back - that's the key." " Mm." "Yeah." " So how was your day?" "Oh, fine." "Kind of weird." "Mum rang to say that my Uncle Ray is a bit ill." " Yeah?" "Is it serious?" " Dunno." "He's in the hospice so I guess he's being looked after." "Hospice?" "You..." "Jez, you know what a hospice is, don't you?" "Like a hospital but nicer." "A hospice is where people go to..." "Who... are terminally ill." "Oh." "Right." "Yeah, Mum said he was... what you said." "I'm sure he'll be fine." "He's not a quitter." "Well, I have to say, probably not, mate." "Probably not." "No, he won't quit." "Do you know what I fancy now?" "Some Good Life." "Where's more Good Life?" " '?" "Sail away, sail away...?" "'" " Are you going to give him a call?" "Ray?" "No." "No." "He'll have people calling him night and day, probably sick of it." "I thought probably best to give him some peace and quiet." " '... inside... '" " You should call him." "'My stomach's in my mouth and I think, "This isn't good. "'" "Good to see you, Uncle Ray." "What you been up to?" "Mostly I've been lying in bed taking painkillers." "Right." "Cool." "'Jesus, that wasn't very friendly." "At least I came. '" "So, Ray," "Jez tells me you worked on the force." "That's right, Mark. 30 years." "Blimey." "So must be nice getting a bit of support from your police mates." "The force." "You can trust the force, can't you?" " Yeah." " 'What's this?" "'This is meant to be my visit." "He's hijacking my visit. '" "Mostly they just eat me wine gums..." "'Come on, say something." "Something not about dying." "Something inspiring. '" "Yeah." "People can be so funny when it comes to illness, can't they?" "I mean, it's good that you, you know..." "Yeah, that's the one upside of this whole thing." "Rediscovered that little guy with the crown of thorns and the big old heart." "Yeah, that's really... a great thing to have, a faith." "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "'That's nice." "Ray's such a nice guy." "'What a shame everything he believes is total rubbish. '" "OK, well, thanks for calling, Mum." "OK, I will." "Bye." "Has it...?" " Ray's dead." " Oh, man, I'm sorry." "Uncle Ray." "Football, ciggies." "He was gonna make me a bow and arrow that could go through a dustbin." "He never did, of course, but... wow." "Shall I... turn over?" "Yeah." "Maybe some Newsnight or something." "I mean, I wish... maybe the family could come together." "We could campaign against... or for something." "Maybe a foundation." "The Ray Foundation," " for Christians and coppers." " That's a nice idea." "Something positive's got to come out of all this." "Something." "I guess I just need some comfort." "Why does it have to happen?" "Why does death happen?" "Shit, I don't even know which day the binmen come." "'This is pretty low." "Milking Uncle Ray to get a..." "'Hey, I'm feeling bad." "Why not get some nooky out of it?" "'" "I just feel so alone, you know?" "Sure." "It's like after Tony left, I thought, "This is it, everything's over. "" "But then I thought, "Hey, no, sort it out. "" " Buy a juicer." " Right." "But Toni..." "You'd better go." "Classified dates can be uptight about times." "Go." "But I really feel that tonight, I need someone to..." "Jeremy, this is a hot one." "He's six foot, he loves movies and walks, and we totally clicked on the phone." "'How can she be this heartless to someone who's as upset as I say I am?" "'Maybe I am as upset as I say I am, it's just coming out weird. '" "Toni, listen, nothing could make me feel better about Ray's death." "Except maybe one thing could." "Look, Jeremy, death happens, people die." "Move on." "My dad died when I was three but it didn't screw me up." "'Right. '" "I don't waste my life looking for a man to fill a dad-shaped hole." "'It's perfect." "Big social occasion but no invites." "'It's not a date but it is." "'What if it all goes right, though?" "'What about my massive, freakish balls?" "Don't get ahead of yourself. '" " Hey, Soph." " Hey, Mark, how's it going?" "Well, actually, things have been a bit tough." " Jeremy's uncle passed away yesterday." " Oh, no." " Oh, that is difficult." "Is he OK?" " Yeah, bearing up." "But listen, Sophie, I wanted to ask you, might you be free on Friday?" " For the funeral?" " The funeral?" "'Oh, no, shit." "It's not perfect, it's cracked." "Piss. '" "You don't have to." "I just thought it might be nice if..." "No, I'd be honoured." "If you want a friend to go, then..." "No, no, not friend." "No." "As a kind of... date." "I thought afterwards, if you like, we could go somewhere." " Won't there be a wake?" " Somewhere like the wake." "Sure." "Great." "Erm, er, if that's OK, I'm invited?" "That's the beauty." "No invites at a funeral." "Right." ""As Jonno let rip with the stolen Kalashnikov" ""and Squarehead fired off a round of monkey puzzler," ""I looked at the towel-head I'd slotted... "" "'Where did they get this guy?" "This is a freak show." "'Why am I even here?" "Why is she here?" "'" ""I didn't stop to think about it long." "We all get slotted sometime. "" "Thanks, Keith." "Scorpio Patrol, Real Life Behind Enemy Lines." "One of my brother's favourites." "Now, whilst no one would suggest that the faith Ray claimed to find in those last weeks was only a product..." "'I'm glad we stopped going to Liz's for Christmas." ""'Thanks for the Fairtrade nuts, Auntie. "" "'She's loving this." "What a stitch-up. '" "Now, in the humanist ceremony at this point, we like to encourage anyone who wants to share a thought or memory or reflection about my brother, to speak up." "'Words... coming. '" "'Hey, yeah." "OK." "The sympathy vote. '" "'I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open. '" "Er, yeah." "I spent some time with Ray before he... went." "And I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus." "Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things like... science or... the stock market." "And we believe in them." "Look, what I'm trying to say is that, if I was dying, and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into, say..." "Enya before but that now I really, really was into Enya and that in fact I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya-themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of..." "Enya, then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral." "Yeah?" "'Well done, Jez, old mate." "You did him proud." "' Oh, poor Ray." "'He's in there, 'in that cardboard box." "'I can't believe it." "'Shit!" "This just gets better and better. '" "Yeah, I guess it just came from in here." "Or maybe..." " up there?" " Ah, yes." "Yeah?" " Here's to God!" " To God." " Can I get you anything?" " No, I'm OK." "I'll be fine." "I've got to be strong for Jeremy." "He was great, wasn't he?" "Moments like this make you realise how short life is." "Right." "One minute we're alive, the next we're dead." "Sometimes we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life." "Right, yeah." "I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?" " Yeah." " 'You're losing her. '" "It's a brief candle." "A bloody brief candle." "Yep." "Sophie... c- can I say how beautiful you look?" " Thank you, Mark." " Can..." "Can I kiss you, Sophie?" "'Oh, my God." "Umm..." "'What about my abnormal knackers?" "'Ooh, this is nice." "How weird are they?" "'What I really need is a good, long look at another man's bollocks." "'But that's so fraught with potential problems. '" "Oh." "That was nice." " Yeah, that was nice." " 'Thank you, Ray!" "Thank you, Ray!" "'" "?" "Onward Christian soldiers" "?" "Marching as to war...?" "'It must have been taken shortly before he died. '" "'God." "You think you're in, then the smiting, plagues and pestilence starts." "'Shit, I can't believe it. '" "Hey, Jez!" "I've got news!" " So have I." " Sophie's coming away with me to a cottage with a bed for the weekend." "Now, listen, mate," "I need to ask you a straight-up, man-to-man question about bollocks." "The hospital called." "What Ray died of, Boden-Georgeson syndrome," " it's hereditary." " What?" "Y-You're kidding." "I might have it." "They want me to go in for tests." "Tests?" "Jesus, mate." "Fuck." " No, are you OK?" " Yeah." "No." "To be honest, I'm scared." " Look, don't be scared." " I am scared." "Don't be scared." "I am scared." "That's fine, that's fine." "It's perfectly natural to be scared." "'Doctor Runciman has seen this a thousand times." "'It's just two guys, one with his hand on the other guy's balls. '" "Mark Corrigan?" "Dr Runciman's on call." "I'm the practice nurse." "Oh." "Pleased to meet you." "'No." "No, no, no, no, no. '" " So how can I help?" " Oh, it was just..." "I think I should see the doctor." "Not that I've got anything against your... kind." "If you tell me the problem, maybe I can deal with it." "Basically, it's - not wishing to beat about the bush - it's a problem with... with my..." "Penis?" "Testisticles." " So if you'd feel happier, I..." " OK, trousers down, hop on the couch, let's have a look at the little fellows." "'Oh, I hope I don't..." "No leaping to attention, Captain Corrigan." "'Anyone would say she's an attractive woman." "'She should have to wear a mask." "'Reagan or Batman or..." "'Actually, she'd look pretty horny as Batman." "Jesus, no, don't!" "'" "So have you worked here long?" " Blimey." " Blimey?" "What's blimey?" " Does that feel painful?" " No, no." "That feels great." "I mean, not great, just normal." "'Oh, how much can a man take?" "'" "You've got a large hydrocele." "It's a simple procedure." "The scalpel just slips in at the back of the scrotum." "'That's cooled things off, a regular bucket of water. '" "'Abandon self-cherishing, love only others." "'Yeah, well, Mr Dalai Lama, 'you've got to be a suck-up if you haven't got your own country." "'OK, stay focused." "'Don't have to do them all, just till you find something to hold on to." "'Islam." "Not really such a fashionable religion." "'Hinduism?" "That's got a nice vibe." "'Find out the Hindus and the Hindon'ts." "'Good old Bible." "Bit "dribble not the ass's milk on Tuesday. "" "'And I know most of it from The Omen. '" "OK, Jez, mate." "I think that's about it." "Uh-huh." "Well, have a good time, mate." " Is he OK?" " I don't know." "He gets the test results on Monday." " What do you think?" " He seems a bit on edge." "The thing is, he's not definitely dying." " He's not even definitely ill." " You're probably right." " What about the carving on his arm?" " That's just Biro." "Anyway, he seems to be over that now." "And the whinnying." "Things are looking positive." "He's investigating the key to all spiritualities." "'Try and read a poem, listen to inspiring music, 'look at a wonderful painting... '" "'Or I could finish the last of that skunk, 'sit on Big Suze's dildo and wank myself dry." "'I could go to that place Super Hans says is a knocking shop." "'Lf not, bang a tab and get a massage. '" "Er, Jez." "Me and Soph, we were just having a chat, and, well, what we were saying is that what we both really want is for you to come along on our weekend." "Yeah?" "Oh, I kind of had plans." "Oh, you can take your religious texts with you." " 'Maybe he doesn't want to come. '" " No point, it's all bullshit." "'God, he really wants me to come. '" "It'll be such a laugh." "'Please say no, please say no. '" "Er, well, all right." "I guess." "If you really want me to." "'I didn't realise he was this terrified of sex. '" "'If I can get the first one over without major embarrassment." "'First fuck is damage limitation." "'In, out, as much pleasure as I can give her, 'apologise, and then we can move on." "'Jesus, look at him." "What a disaster. '" "Jeremy, it's your go, isn't it?" "Er, whatever." "I just want to rewind this bit." "Do you have to?" "We're trying to play a game." "I gave you the choice - Tom and Barbara being nice or Gloria and Mitzy being nasty." "If you don't want your go, I'll attack Irkutsk." "Fine." "Can't you get it into your closed-off little mind that I don't give a flying fuck?" "You will when I take Asia." "Bleaurgh, bleaurgh, bleaurgh, bleaurgh, bleaurgh." "Nothing means anything." "It's all just shit!" "Games, snacks, fires, man, woman, love." "We're all gonna end up in the cold, deep ground, and that's all there is." "OK?" "Well, fine." "I'm off for a shower." "Good night, Jeremy." " See you in the bed... room, Soph." " Yeah, sure." "'Oh, what I really want's a woman." "'Oh, God, I'm never gonna have a woman again in my life." "'I never planted my seed." "My loins are like dried buckwheat." "'It's not fair. '" "So Jeremy, I'm going to turn in." "Hope you sleep OK." "Er, thanks." "Er, Sophie, could I have a quick word?" " In private." " Sure, I mean, this is private." "Must be hell trying to cope with all this." "Well, yeah." "Bloody hell, what are you doing?" "Oh, go on." "This could be the last time I do it." "Imagine how committed I'd be?" " I'm here with Mark." " Mark... doesn't love you." "He doesn't even like you." " What?" " He..." "He said he's only snogging you for a joke." "And he draws horrible, vicious cartoons of you and wraps them up in sausage meat and calls you a sausage muncher." "You're drunk, Jeremy." "Try and get some sleep." "Go on." "I might be dead in a week." "Jeremy, look, I'm flattered but I'm here with Mark." " What about a threes-up?" " Jeremy, Mark's..." "All right, OK, I get the message." "Sophie?" "Jez must've gone for a walk." "Thank God." "You think he'd be more grateful." "He'll change his tune when I'm in charge of the morphine." "It's like that, is it?" "That's how it's going to be?" " Well, excuse me!" " Jez, I didn't..." "I didn't mean." "'Oh, wow." "Oh, yeah." "'Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah, she is so..." "'Where am I?" "Put your tongue out and see." "'Neck?" "Yeah, neck." "Oh." "'Whoo-hoo-ho-ho." "Ha-ha!" "You can do that again." "Oh, yeah. '" " Mark?" " Yeah?" "Are you going to take your pants off?" "Er, yeah." "Yeah, I will." "But, Sophie, before I do," "I need to prepare you for something." "I intend to have an operation but until I do, I don't want you to be alarmed by the size of my..." "Mark, stop boasting and get some johnnies." "Shit, they're in the bathroom." " Stay there, don't go away." " I'm not going anywhere." "'Got to be quick." "Don't want to have to get her all worked up again." "'Did she say johnnies plural?" "'Hope she doesn't think I'm some sort of superman. '" "'Couldn't even be bothered to go to bed." "It's pathetic." "'What's...?" "Oh, my God." "He's..." "'No." "Don't be dead, mate." "'Shit, no." "Oh, God, no." "In front of..." "'Tenko." "That was probably the last straw." "'Oh, fuck." "Oh, fuck." "Don't be dead, mate!" "Please don't be dead!" "'My cock's gone right down." "Fuck. '" "Sophie!" "Soph!" "Something awful has happened." "What?" "He's opened his eyes." "Jez, we're right here, Jez." " What's going on?" " You're in safe hands now, Jez." "Was he behaving strangely before the overdose?" "No." "No more than usual." "Well, he did..." "I didn't tell you this." "He did make a pass at me." "A pass?" "He..." "The bloody...!" "He's been under a lot of stress recently." "How many pills did you take, Jeremy?" "It's important you remember how many you took." "Pills?" "Just the one." "He's delirious, the bottle was empty." "Yeah, it was the last one." "I had a headache." "Has anyone got any Coke?" "My mouth's all..." "I invite you here and you repay me by trying to... have it away with my girlfriend." " I don't think girlfriend's quite..." " I've been feeling very low." "Oh, were you?" "Were you?" "Yeah." "I was feeling desperate." "I mean, that's why..." "that's why I took the overdose." " What?" "But you..." " I couldn't admit it." "I was ashamed." "But I did it." "The bottle was full, I..." "I took the whole lot." "OK, if you two step to one side, I'm gonna do a stomach pump." "What?" "Er, no..." "Actually..." "I admit it, I was joking." "I was lying just then, not before." "I didn't take an overdose." "Put away the hardware." "I was lying just then." "Don't pump me!" "Don't pump me!" " What the fuck?" " Soph, it's only me." " I've got something for you." " Don't do that." " No one was coming." " That's not the point." " It's not?" " No." "Mark, we need to have a talk." " A talk?" "Oh." " Mark... a funeral, it's an emotional time, lots of emotions." " Are you finishing with me?" " We weren't ever really..." "Right." "Not that something might not, some day..." "Everything was a bit "whoosh!" and I'd rather it was "dum-de-dum-de-dum"." "OK, well, that's just..." "I guess... you know..." "Did you want to give me something?" "Er, no, it's... it's your pants." "Oh." "I found them in my suitcase and I thought you..." "Anyway, er... here you go." "Er, well, thanks." "Not a problem." "OK, well, I'll see you." "See you... not around but here." "OK, g... great." "See you." "So I, er..." "I got the test results." "It's positive." "Oh dear." " Oh, Jez." " Are you OK?" "It's all broken." "It's knackered." "He dumped me." "Daddy's gone again." "Why does it happen?" "There are all these people singing and dancing but never me." "I'm sorry, I'll shut up." "My problems are nothing compared to..." "Three months?" "Three to six." "Jesus, Jeremy." "Jesus." "'I'll say miracle drug cure." "Maybe she'll give me another one as congratulations." "'God, hope she doesn't start crying again." "'Got to... before she..." "'Come on." "'I am gonna feel so low 'as soon as this is over. '" "?" "Sail away, sail away, sail away" "?" "Sail away, sail away, sail away" "?" "Sail away, sail away, sail away" "?" "Sail away, sail away, sail away" "?" "From the north to the south Ebudae into Khartoum" "?" "From the deep sea...?"