"This is not happening!" " Please, calm down." " You calm down." "You know what the last thing my dad said to me was, before I moved here?" "Bruce, we need to talk." "No, after that, he said..." "I was making the biggest mistake in my life, so..." "Where are those keys?" "I don't know, maybe we got lucky." "Maybe their ship strikes an iceberg or something." "Got them." " I'm late." " Yeah, me too." "I was supposed to leave 15 minutes ago." "Wait, what?" "Yeah." "So..." "How are we supposed to feel about this?" "I don't..." "Well, are you happy?" "Are you happy?" "'Cause if you're happy, I'm happy." "Tell that to your face because you don't look happy at all." "It's just, it's a lot for my face to process, it's..." "Okay, this is the weirdest reaction ever." "No, it's the... it's the happiest reaction ever." " No, it's not." " Listen, if this is happening, then we'll get through it together." "I don't have cancer." " I might be pregnant." " I know." "That's why I am so... happy about this." "It's like..." " Okay." "Mm-hmm." " Really." "I'm super happy." "I've just got to go pick up the parents." " Mm-hmm." " It's like..." "Happy, happy!" "Brucie!" "Hey!" "Look at my baby!" "It's mommy!" "Yeah, I can see that." "Hi, Mom." " Hello, son." " Hi, Dad." "Hey, hey, hey." "What is that?" "Some kind of Swedish half a handshake?" "Come on, there we go." " There we go." " It's already started." "Honey, it's exactly the way I imagined it." "It's so pretty, it's so clean." "Your mom's been popping pills like they were Tic Tacs." "It's been a long boat ride." " How has the cruise been so far?" " Mmm..." "Expensive, I can tell you that much." "France wasn't so bad, if you can get past all the Frenchmen who think they own the joint." "So, how long are you guys planning on staying?" "Well, I..." "Son, what's with all the fancy gay nannies?" "Actually, I think those are just just well-dressed fathers on paternity leave." "Well, there you go, honey, just like I told you." "Nobody works in Sweden, everybody lives off the government." "That sounds fun." "So, when are you guys leaving?" "How's it going?" " Good, good." " Work?" "Yeah, it's going good." "What..." "What are you doing?" "I've been doing..." "You know, a little of this and... a little of that." "Just kind of... getting my feet wet with different things." "I had a job in the tourism industry for a..." " Tourism..." " You know there's, uh, some old buildings around here." "Ooh, you know what I'd like to do?" "I'd like to see some Vikings in their natural habitat." "Kind of like American Indians doing Indian things." "I'd like to see some Vikings doing some Viking things, where they wear the helmets and the skirts, and the girls with the braids." "I took her to one Medieval Times restaurant." "She thinks there's a theme to everything now." "You know a place like that, honey?" "I don't know." "Is that a castle?" "It looks like a castle." " That's a..." " Tourism is good." "There's a lot of foreigners here, everywhere you look." "They're Swedes, Dad." "Swedes are, like, really easy to get to know." "I've heard the Swedes are really easy." "All those blondes." "Excuse me, sir, do you know a place within walking distance where we could see some Vikings?" "Honey, he doesn't speak English." " Okay..." " Long flight." "Sweetie, we came on a boat." "Ahh..." "What did I tell you?" "Would you look at that?" " Welcome!" " Hello." " Hello." "Hello." "I'm Gustaf." " I'm Birger." " Oh." " Yes." " Yes." " Viveka." " Nancy." "She's not blonde." "You're not blonde, it's amazing." " Sweetheart." "Shh-shh-shh." " Oh, sorry." "You have to excuse my wife, she's had a... a very long, long ride." " Oh, yes, yes." "Very good." " Okay, yeah." "Oh, uh..." "Burger." "No, Birger." "You have a naked man in your driveway." "Yes, this is my brother." "Oh, hello, nice to meet you." " Hello, I'm Bengt." " Hello." "That's Nancy, and Wayne." "No way!" " What?" "Yes." " Wayne?" "That's so funny." "Bruce, Wayne..." "Bruce Wayne." "I'm Batman." " Cool, man, cool!" " Yes." "I'm going to let you in a little secret:" "I love the USA." "Oh, me too." "Lo-o-ove it!" "Well, you must, uh, come and visit Nancy and me sometime." "I would love to!" "When?" "S-Sometime." "Just so you know, I am allergic to nuts." "So, do you want to come inside?" "Yes, please." "Sometime." "This is definitely happening." "I can't fit into any of my pants." "I'm pregnant, honey." "Just so we're clear: does this mean we should get married, or...?" "That is so sweet, honey." "I didn't mean it like that." "I just..." "I don't know what the routine is here." "We don't need to get married." "It's not 1950, you know?" "Okay, good, 'cause..." "Good?" "No, I didn't mean g..." "You know what I mean, right?" "I'm not sure I do." "You know what, I'm sorry," "I'm actually really excited." " Yeah?" " Yes, for real." " Okay?" " Okay." " Great." " Great." " I'm sorry, really." " It's okay." "It's just that I have so many other problems to think about, you know, with my parents here, it's just..." " Not that this is a problem at all." " No." "Nope, it's a good... problem." "It's good, it's just good." "Mm-hmm." "There's no snow at all." "I thought there'd be snow everywhere." "But it's a very nice day!" "Yeah, it's summer." "What are these?" "You know, they almost look like... you know, tomatoes." "They are tomatoes." "What?" "No!" "They're so red." "Too red." "Well, red is a very common tomato colour." "Oh..." "You must be so proud." "I don't know, they're just tomatoes, vegetables." "Oh, n..." "No, I meant," "I meant proud of Emma." "Ohh, Emma, yeah." "Yeah." "We're so proud that she's going to be part of our family." "Well, we'll see about that." "Or..." "let's not get ahead of ourselves." "We'll see." "So, this is all your land?" "No, no, uh, it's everybody's land." "In Sweden we have something called "allemansratt"." "It means that everyone has the right to be on anyone else's land." "Well, how do you know who to shoot?" "Shoot?" "Just messing with you, Burger." "Okay." "Listen..." "I have a secret spot in the woods... and that's where I keep my mushrooms." "Oh, um, confidentially," "I had... a bad experience with those back in college, so..." " Come on," " No, I..." "I'll give you some boots." "Booze?" "Oh..." "Yes, and this... this is the view I was telling you about." "Wow." "Yeah, but what happens," "I mean, if there's an emergency, a medical emergency?" "Let's say you have a heart attack." "I mean, how soon can an ambulance even get here?" "Well, I haven't really thought about that." "Ahh, yeah, well..." "But, I'm healthy as a..." " as a..." " As a horse, a horse." "Uh, no, no." " Much healthier than that." " Oh." "Healthy as a... a nut..." "Karna..." "What do you say..." "Is it nuts?" "I'd say nuts pretty well covers it." "Okay, yeah." "Nobody knows about this place?" "This is our secret." "You and your husband, you do these all the time?" "Every day." "We love them, we go crazy." "I'll stand guard." "I don't want to get arrested or anything." "Okay." "Don't you want to pick some?" "No, no, no." "I think, um," "I think what I'm going to do is maybe just... just pop one off for later." "Do you want to?" "No, I'm just going to keep it in my purse." "Okay." "Ooh..." "It's strong, very strong." "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a sea captain." "Oh." "So you've sailed the seven seas?" "No, no." "Just one." "I was on a small boat for... for the kommun." "How do you say kommun?" " Communist?" " Yes, yes." "Sometimes it's so hard" " to find the right English words." " Ah." " Burger," " Yeah?" " you can be honest with me." " Okay." "What do you think about Bruce?" " Well..." " I feel that his life here is making him soft." "Hey, Bruce!" "Yeah?" "You think you can take your old man?" "Ah, no." "Come on, let's do this, it's time." "What is he talking about?" "Arm wrestling." "Sadly he's talking about arm wrestling." "Well, let's just say it's a family tradition." "Let's also just say, I've never lost." "Hey, what's going on?" "Just a little friendly arm wrestling competition." "No, we're not." "I'll bet 100 crowns on Wayne." "What?" "Do you even have 100 crowns?" "I'll get it from Mom." "Okay, you're on." "I'll take Bruce." " No, I'm not doing this." " Oh, yes you are." "It's stupid." "Okay." "You ready?" " Go." " Ow!" "Ow..." "There, satisfied?" "Oh, that's right." "Just walk away." "How very neutral of you, how Swedish." "All right, you know what, do you want to do this?" "Let's do this then." "Now, son..." "Rematch." " Okay, come on." " Yeah." " You're ready?" " Now I'm ready." "Yeah." "Go." "Oww!" "I told you I didn't want to do this!" "Okay, honey it's okay." " It's not okay!" "It's... stupid." " Yeah." "I hate it when he makes his boo-boo lip." "_" "_" "Uh, that's what we say in Sweden." "So, it means..." "Be so... goda." "Yes." "_" "Almighty Jesus, it's me, Wayne, and we are grateful for the food you have provided us." "Lord Jesus, we bow down humbly before you, grateful for gathering all of us together." "Thank you for everything you give us." "In Jesus' name, amen." "Amen." "Is there a Swedish word for "amen"?" "Yes, it's "amen"." "Oh!" "I guess I just didn't hear you say it." "Amen." "_" "I'm sorry, I just can't say that." "It wouldn't be right." "We're not religious." "But you believe in God, right?" "No, not at all!" "This food is delicious, right?" "I mean..." "Yeah." "It's... fishy." "Hm..." "Religion is the moral foundation for every society!" "Let's degree to disagree." "When you meet me in heaven, you can come up to me and say," ""I told you so."" "Not everyone gets into heaven." "Ah-hah, I found a flight." "Wayne, is Cleveland the closest airport?" " Yes." " How about September?" "September is a very busy month for us." "Good, non-refundable, okay." "Listen, I'm a little confused here." "Religion is a part of everything." "You got married in a church, right?" "We're not... actually not married." "In Sweden, we call it "Sarbo."" " Rambo." " Mom, that's a movie, actually." "Well, not just a movie, Nancy." "It's one of the top 13 movies of all time." "Yes." "Maybe... things are different here." "But in America, it's considered a very bad thing to have children before you get married." "Dad, that's not even true." "Maybe not among your New York friends, son, but for the rest of the country, yes, indeed, it is a bad thing." "Nobody likes bastards." "Oh, my God." " What?" " You just called everyone here a bastard." "I did not." "I said people whose parents aren't married are bastards." "Yeah, that's... that's everyone, so... _" "_" "Bruce, do you think your father will be upset if I don't visit?" "Oh..." "No, I think he'll survive." "I never thought I'd say this about an American, but I'm afraid I don't like him." "It's not your fault." "Nobody likes him." "Come here, it'll be okay." "Okay?" "Go home and just watch "Independence Day"" " or something, you know." " Or "Die Hard"." " Yeah, something to cheer you up." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Are you smoking?" "Yeah." "They drive me to it." "Do you want one, or...?" "No, I don't think I should." "Oh, that's right." "I forgot." "Sorry." "So, uh, do you feel the same way as your father?" "Is that why you asked whether we should get married?" "No, honey, come here." "There's a reason why I live 4000 miles away from them." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "And if I ever challenge this little guy to an arm wrestling contest, remind me to shoot myself." " It could be a girl though." " Maybe I would win then." "Ah, we don't know that for sure." "Well, you're right." "So, have you thought of any baby names yet?" "Mmm..." "Gretel?" " Gretel?" "Why?" " Yeah." " It sounds really Swedish." " Okay, no, it's not." "What do you think about Simon" " if it's a boy?" " Seriously?" " Yeah!" "Yeah." " Semen?" "You want me to name my kid Semen?" "I thought that went pretty well." "Couple of minor cultural differences, but that's all." "Whatever you say, Dad." "Oh, hey, hey, hey..." "Is that one?" " Nope, just European." " Ah, damn." "Dad, I told you the men here are just really stylish." "You can't tell the difference between gay and European." " Well, that one might be..." " No, European." " Really?" " Yeah." "I don't know how you can tell the difference." "Oh, hey, there's a pub." "Let's all go get a beer." "Swedish beer." "No, no, I was thinking it might be nice for Emma and I to spend some time together," " some girl talk." " Okay." "Yeah, you guys go ahead." " Okay." "Bye." " Bye." "I don't get it." "You had a great life in New York." "I know but, I mean," "Stockholm is a better place for kids and we're thinking about starting a family, so..." "Really?" "You want to have kids?" " It's a possibility." " You do that, son, and... there's no turning back." "You're going to be stuck where you are the rest of your life." "All right, you know what, enough." "Okay?" "I mean, I know Sweden is tough, but I have Emma, okay?" "And I love her, Dad." "So you're going to have to start respecting that." "I don't agree with a single thing you just said." "But, you did say it to me like a man and I got to respect that." "Thank you." "I guess this is as close to a father-son moment as we get." "You know, I love you, Dad." "Hey, son, I... really have to take a piss." "This beer goes through you like water." "Wait, is this a gay bar?" "Only the best in town." "Okay..." "Do you happen to have any Xanax on you?" " I'm sorry, no." " Oh." "I'm starting to feel my, uh... emotions." "It's... horrible." "Ahh..." "You know, it's funny." "I actually had my own... international romance." "You did?" "Yes, I did, once upon a time." "It was back in college." "He was a foreign exchange student." "I fell in love with him, of course, and eventually he had to go back to Amsterdam, and he wanted me to go with him." "And, uh..." "I just was so young, and I..." "And then I met Wayne and he..." "Well, you know how decisive he can be." "I guess my point is, that I'm just..." "I'm really happy that you met Bruce and I'm so happy to see what you guys have together because... just... because I didn't do that." "Now that he's..." "Sorry." "I just..." " I could really use that Xanax now." " Okay." "Everything's just coming." "You'll never believe what happened to me in the men's room." "I had the best conversation with this young man in there." "Absolutely charming." "His name is Magnus." "Magnus, I think I'm going to give him a call." "Yeah, you should." "You know, I don't know what it is," "I can't put my finger on it, but..." "I really like this place." "Yeah, it's... very European." " Just feels right." " Yeah." "Thank you for coming." "Really, I loved having you here." "Come back any time you want." " I loved it." " It was great." " Good bye, buddy." " Yep." "Christmas time." "What do you think?" "'Cause we never got to see the Vikings!" "Come on, let's get..." "I just got my period." "So... what does that mean?" "Well, that I'm not pregnant." "Oh, Babe I'm sorry." "Come, sit down." "I love you." "Oh my God..." "I'm just getting fat!"