"Hi." "Hi, Lynnie." "How's the painting coming?" "Be honest." "What do you think?" "Sorry, babe, it doesn't speak to me." "Next." "I think it's very nice." "Good enough to eat." "So you didn't get the conflicting disharmony between man and nature?" "[CHUCKLES]" "To be honest, Lynn, uh, I'm afraid all I see is a very happy pear." "Lynn, a word to the wise." "Forget art, stick with plan A." "Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along." "ALF, this class means a lot to me." "It's being taught by a very respected artist in residence." "What, he couldn't afford a place of his own?" " It means that he's" " I know what it means." "You know, I happen to have a nodding acquaintance with painting myself." "I've seen you paint yourself many times." "Go ahead, mock me." "But I was quite the artist in my time." "I can paint any canvas, any color, for 29.95." "No ups, no extras." "You know, I just had a thought." "Perhaps if you were to rekindle your interest in art it might be a less destructive and costly way for you to spend your idle hours." "You know, the ones between waking up and falling asleep." "Oh, ha, ha." "Courtesy laugh." "Willie, I accept your offer." "So, Kate, ever done any nude modeling?" "Talk about a conflicting disharmony between man and nature." "Oh!" "[WAGNER'S "THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "Ugh." "I'm worthless." "I'm nothing." "I'm a disappointment to my parents." "Willie, spit on me." "I just took an antihistamine, otherwise...." "What are you doing, anyway?" "I'm suffering for my art." "Is it necessary that we all suffer along with you?" "[MUSIC STOPS]" "Well, I need inspiration." "I'm thinking about cutting something off." "May I make a suggestion?" "Oh, I knew a mere civil servant like you wouldn't understand." "I, on the other hand, have to make a statement with my life." "And you plan to do it with peanut butter?" "Yeah, it was one of those happy accidents." "I've also done some interesting things with pasta." "Want to buy it?" "39.95." "No ups, no extras." "I'm afraid it'd be wasted on a mere civil servant like me." "Remember?" "I like a man who knows his place." "Good night, ALF." "Let's see." "Maybe I need to torture myself some more." "But how?" "They won't let me have matches." "Uh, ow, ow, ow!" "Okay, I'll paint, I'll paint." "Just let go." "Yeah, yeah." "Better." "[HUMMING WAGNER'S "THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"]" "Stop it!" "I'm sorry." "I didn't get any sleep last night." "Nobody did." "Who would've thought that ALF could whistle Wagner for eight hours?" "Especially considering he's got no lips." "Good morning, Tanners." "Isn't it a beautiful day?" "Not after what you put us through, no." "Do you want pancakes or not?" "No, thanks." "I'm done suffering." "Besides, I've finished my masterpiece." "Masterpiece?" "Everybody, it's time for the unveiling." "Step into the gallery." "Stay behind the velvet ropes." "No flash photography." "Check your guns at the door." "Come on, let's get this over with." "Okay, okay." "First, I'll start with a biography of the artist." "He was just 17, you know what I mean." "And the way he looked is way beyond compare." "ALF, just uncover the damn thing." "Fine, fine." "Americans, rush, rush, rush." "[CHUCKLES]" "Ta-da!" "Looks like something I saw at traffic school." "Thank you, Kate." "I was worried you'd ridicule it." "So, Lynn, don't you think your art teacher would want the privilege of seeing it?" "Hint, hint, hint." "Sorry, babe, it doesn't speak to me." "But your teacher's a famous artist." "Let him judge my work." " No." " Why not?" "Because you're not in his class." "But this could be my big break." "My one-way ticket out of here, forever." "Take the painting, I know it's a long shot." "Mom." "I can dream, can't I?" "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've only got a couple of hours to make my pear cry out for the loss of humanity." "You know her problem?" "She doesn't have a tortured soul." "She can have mine." "What does she mean?" "What does she mean?" "Huh?" "Very good." " Mr. Reuben." " Mm-hm." "Do you think I'm making the proper use of negative space here?" "I'm trying for a primitive, brooding sensibility." "Another art major." "Somebody call security." "Wally, you're doing fine." "Aha, a nude." "Jeff, Jeff, Jeff." "You quiet little thing you." "I don't have to worry about you anymore." " Very attractive." " Thank you." "Well...." "You two." "Well, I'd like to think I brought you lugs together." "Hi, Lynn." "Hi, Mr. Reuben." "You keep a very neat work area." "Thank you." "Do you perchance have anything to show me?" "I make it a point never to follow children or nudes." "Oh, Lynn...." "[SIGHS]" "Let's have a look-see." "Mr. Reuben, I can explain." "Well, not without stretching reality." " But I can." "See" " Class." "Class." "Oh, no." "I want you to see something." "What do you think?" "I'll tell you what." "In my defense, Mr. Reuben, I should tell you this is a mistake." "No, no, Lynn." "There are no mistakes." "I am seeing a side of you that I have never seen before." "And it's brave." "Raw but inspired." "Very good work." "Actually, uh...." "I was a little more fond of this." " Ah." "CROWD:" "Ah." " No." "CROWD:" "No." "That we put in a model home in the valley." "But this...." "This speaks from your soul." "Is this spinach fettuccine?" " Uh, yes." " Lynn, you've made great strides here." "You have combined the stylistic elements of Pollack, Rauschenberg, Jasper Johns" "Chef Boyardee." "[CHUCKLES]" "[CROWD CHUCKLING]" "Toadies." "I love them." "You are in big trouble, mister." "You've got a lot of explaining to do." "Oh, Willie, Willie you're a constant disappointment to Kate and me." "Do you know what he did?" "He stuck his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it." "That was an awfully stupid plan, ALF." "That's what I thought at first." "It worked?" "I knew it." "I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time." "What did he have to say, huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Oh, great, the fun part." "Now I get to tell him." "I knew it, he hated it." "Excuse me while I open a vein." "Wait, ALF, before you make a mess, the truth is he liked it." "He said it was brave, raw and inspired." "Oh, joy." "Oh, rapture." "My day and a half of suffering has paid off." "You mean, it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?" "And so the breakdown of human civilization begins." "This is horrible." "Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent." "What am I gonna do?" "Ugh." "How do you get yourself into these things?" "What you did was thoughtless, selfish and egotistical." "You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get." "[WAGNER'S "THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]" "No, it's wrong." "It's all wrong." "Hey, ALF, I got the supplies you wanted." "Where have you been?" "I can't work like this." "I'm a genius, I don't have to stand for this incompetence." "Thanks, guy." "What's going on with you?" "Well, Lloyd Reuben thinks I'm a genius." "And as a genius I'm entitled to throw meaningless tantrums from time to time." "So get used to it." "Okay?" "I think I liked you better as a constant drain." "Hi, Dad." "ALF, where did all these paintings come from?" "I had a sudden burst of inspiration." "I discovered Luther Vandross." "Well, boogie down Broadway." "Where am I supposed to work?" "Will you stop it?" "Will you all just stop it?" "Oh!" "Why was I cursed with such talent?" "[GROANS]" "Um, at the risk of being yelled at don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?" "I mean, just because he liked your first painting" "Wake up." "Someday, with Lloyd's help, I'm gonna be famous." "[LAUGHING]" "Oh, I could be right up there with Gauguin, Picasso, Red Skelton." "We could hang together and do lunch." "You know those guys get the best tables." "I don't think you're gonna be dining with Gauguin." "Maybe not at first, but you'll see." "People will be dropping my name at dinner parties." "And you know what comes with that kind of fame?" "Two weeks at the Betty Ford Center?" "Ancillary rights, greeting cards, coffee mugs." "That's what art is all about." "Ask Garfield if you can ever get him on the phone." "As long as you're in it for all the right reasons." "Now, if you will excuse me, I have my own painting to work on." "Wait, Lynn, don't you want my professional opinion?" "I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick." "Lack of confidence." "Not a good sign." "Aah!" "P-yew!" "Stinkaroni." "Set off a smoke detector, why don't you?" "Dad?" "ALF, Lynn's been working very hard on that painting." "Haven't you ever heard the expression, "Beating a dead horse"?" "[LAUGHING]" "All right, now, before we adjourn who had a chance to read the review of my gallery opening downtown?" "I just happened to have a copy." "Who wants to read?" "Ellen." "With his current show, Mr. Reuben has superbly shown the otherwise tame Los Angeles art scene neoclassicism is still a valid and innovative form of two-dimensional expression." "Well, thank you." "Thank you." "If it had come from me, it would've been boasting." "Did I mention that if you buy anything for $2000 or more you don't have to take the final?" "All right, I'll see you next week." "Say, Ellen, do you plan on doing anymore posing." "Lynn, got any new breakthroughs this week?" "Well, it may not be as brave and raw as the last assignment but it won't go stale either." "Well, it's different." "It's just as valid." "Just as interpretive in its own way." "You know, Lynn, once you find your artistic voice there's gonna be no shutting you up." "And that's good, right?" "I think we should talk about this over coffee." "We could catch a gallery opening." "I hear mine's pretty good." "In all modesty." "So it's a date." "In fact, there's a great piano bar next door." "Sometimes Mel Torme drops in and does a set." " Uh, Mr. Reuben, I'm flattered, very." "But" " Wait a minute." "I'm going too fast." "Forget the Mel thing." "I forgot what age bracket I was hitting on." "Ha, ha." "You neoclassicists are all alike." "Mr. Reuben, all that stuff you said about brave and inspired...." "Were you just saying that, or do you really like my work?" "Well...." "Like is such a subjective term." "I mean, art is art." "You know, there's no good, there's no bad." " But you do have an opinion." " My opinion shouldn't matter." " But you're the teacher." " But I'm not a good one." "Ha, ha." "I thought you said there was no good or bad." "You just complimented me because you wanted to go out with me." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "Let's start all over again." "I don't like your work." "Will you go out with me?" "No." "You don't like me?" "Like is such a subjective term." "Hey, what's going on?" "How come all your paintings are stacked up in here?" "Well, I'm getting ready for my first retrospective:" "ALF, the Early Weeks." "Just get them all out of here before they start to draw ants." "Hi, guys." "ALF, I have something to tell you that you might find very interesting." " Good news?" " It is to me." "[LAUGHING]" "Uh-oh." "I detect a stage-three smug alert." "Well, I'm trying to be big about this, but it's just so darn hard." "Lynn, it's not nice to be petty." "I'm sorry, Dad." "[SINGSONGS] Guess whose career is in the toilet?" "Much better." "Today in class, Mr. Reuben said he liked my latest work." "Oh, finally, something that makes sense on some level." "Wait, Dad." "It gets even better." "Turns out he only said it because he thought I'd go out with him." "So he lied to you." "[CHUCKLES]" "For a second there, I was starting to lose respect for the guy." "So, what are you gonna wear?" "As usual, you're not listening." "Mr. Reuben never liked your work." "Yours or mine." "Sinking in yet?" "So you're saying this affects me?" "Yes." "I'm sorry, ALF but you're gonna have to forget about the greeting cards, the coffee mugs and the dinners with Gauguin." "Wait, wait, wait, Lynn." "We could still save this." "Go out with him." "I'm not above trading on your good looks." "That is absolutely insulting." "Anyway, I already transferred into another class." "Well, no." "Go back, please." "Please, please, please." "Well, that's it." "It's over." "I can't believe it." "My life no longer has meaning." "Everything's back to normal." " You wanna split a soda?" " Okay." " Popcorn?" " Thanks." "My life is over." "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "ALF?" "Yeah, what?" "Can I come in?" "Suit yourself." "I noticed you didn't come to dinner." "You okay?" "Food only reminds me of my shattered career." "Besides, I've been snacking off my early works." "I just wanted you to know that I guess I could have told you in a more diplomatic way." "It's just that you were so obnoxious." "Yeah, I'm gonna miss those days." "They'll be back." "We're just enjoying the breather." "Hey, when did you start the fresco?" "Oh." "Now you're gonna to tell me you like it out of pity." "I resent that." "Take it back." "Well, if it helps any, I really don't care for it all that much." "Don't patronize me." "ALF, what do you want?" "Well, if you weren't such a priss, I'd have a career by now." "Just because art doesn't bring you money and fame it's no reason to quit." "A lot of great artists never live to see their own success." "Then what's the point?" "The point is, if you like to paint, paint." "Oh, yeah, sure." "What the world needs is more mediocrity." "Isn't first-run syndication enough?" "Granted, your art may be mediocre." " Hey." " See?" "You do care." "So why don't you just go and finish it?" "You know, with no expectations, but just for the pure pleasure of doing it." "So you're saying I should spend hours on my back suffering over some cockamamie fresco all to gain some inner satisfaction?" "That doesn't sound very lucrative." "[SIGHS]" "I give up, I tried." "My conscience is clear." "Ugh." "The pain." "What's the use?" "Why go on?" "It's all kind of empty without the promise of cash." "I can't believe those cranked out assembly-line paintings of yours were the only things that sold at our garage sale." "Like they say, give the public what they want." "They also say there's one born every minute." "And they all seem to live on our block." "So let's see." "That's 13 paintings, red-tagged to move at 19.95." "No ups, no extras." "That comes to roughly $4 million." "Try $259.35." "Well, I said roughly." "Boy, you have an attitude." "Chill out." "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"