"So you're saying UNICEF is a scam?" "It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation." "No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change." "Oh no." "It's Sally Weaver." "Your old college roommate, huh?" "No, it's Susan Ross's old college roommate." "She moved to New York a few years ago." "She's trying to become an actress." "Ah, dramatica comedia." "Untalented." "She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in a tiny room without ventilation." "It's really depressing." "We don't go to enough theater." "She should just give up." "Heeyyy!" "Hey there, Mister "Too big to come to my shows"!" "I just came from tap, I'm all "whooo"!" "I'm on my way to an audition." "Still looking for that big break." "Why don't you just give up?" "Kramer!" "Well, that's what Jerry says." "Now face it." "If it hasn't happened, it's not gonna happen." "All right, we go grab some bouffe." "Join us?" "So..." "Susan's dead..." "I think she was happy someone finally said it." "Why did you have to say anything to her?" "I felt the conversation was lagging." "Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut?" "I come in here to get a pleasant meal, and if we're not gonna have one, I'll grab a bite to eat at your place." "You know, maybe Kramer was right." "Some people should just give up." "I have." "What did you wanna be?" "I don't remember." "But it certainly wasn't this." "Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker." "I don't get this." "Me neither." "And you're on the fringe of the humor business!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "George, look at this." "That's cute." "You got it?" "No, never mind." "Come on." "We're two intelligent people here." "We can figure this out." "Now, we got a dog and a cat in an office." "It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there." "And the cat is saying "I've enjoyed reading your email"." "Maybe it's got something to do with that "42" in the corner." "It's a page number." "Well, I can't crack this one." "Aahh!" "This has got to be a mistake." "Try shaking it." "Well, Janet should be here any minute." "You've been hiding her from us." "You must really like her?" "Oh, Jerry." "The minute I saw this girl, we just clicked." "She's got such a nice face." "Her eyes, her mouth..." "nose..." "We know what a face consists of." "I'm sorry I'm late." "Jerry, Elaine, I give you-- Janet." "Nice to meet you." "Hi." " Hi." "Do we still have time to make the movie?" "We just can't go to the supermarket to get some candy." "Jerry, she looks exactly like you." "She does not." "Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care." "Hey, Kramer." " Hey." "You got some messages." "George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine." "Newman, but that was a crank call." "And some Sally woman called, says "Thanks a lot, she's quitting the business, you ruined her life."" "What?" "You're the one who ruined her life." "Well, that's not how she remembers it." "Well, I got to talk her out of this." "I thought you said she stinks." "She does stink." "And she should quit." "But I don't want it to be because of me." "It should be the traditional route:" "years of rejection and failure, until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry." "Yeah..." "Hey!" "George and Janet." "Oh!" "Who's Janet?" "George's girlfriend." "Elaine thinks she looks like me." "But I think it's, as you would say, kookie talk." "You know what woman I always thought you looked like?" "Leena Horne." "Hey, Hey!" " Hey, George." "And you must..." "look exactly like Jerry." "You don't see this?" "You're like twins!" "This is eerie!" "Kramer, what are you talking about?" "Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry." "Well, maybe we do look a little like each other." "No!" "What do you know about what you look like?" "Come on, George, relax." "Just because they look alike, that doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry." "All right, we're going now." "Bye-bye." "We just got here, George." "Well - it's getting dark." "She's a nice girl." "Kinda quiet though." "What are you doing?" "Don't tell a woman she looks like a man!" "And George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me." "Frankly, neither do I." "Well, how should I have broached the subject?" "You don't "broach", you keep your mouth shut!" "Well, sounds like someone's having a bad day." "Yeah." "Because of you." "Well, then I think one of us should leave." "Sally, you can't quit the business." "This is all because of me." "You can't give up." "You don't think people tell me I stink?" "When I'm on stage that's all I hear." ""You stink." "You suck." "We like magic."" "Really?" "Of course." "I stink, you stink." "It's showbiz." "Everybody stinks." "Yeah!" "You've been stinking since the Eighties." "All right, I think we've covered my act." "Now you get out there and stink it up with everybody else." "All right!" "Yes!" "Thank you!" "I'm gonna do it." "Now!" "I've asked everyone at work, and no one gets this cartoon." "I mean, I don't understand why no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this." "Oh!" "I think we're at the bottom." "Hey, George." "Janet seems really nice." "And she's quite a-- handsome woman." "What does that mean?" "Yeah, what does that mean?" "What do you mean by that?" "Enjoy." "Elaine, huh?" "She's completely..." " Oh!" "I know." "Cause-- you don't think Janet...?" " No..." "Why would I..." "It's ludicrous.." "Yes." "I mean, neither one of us.." "No..." "So..." "Exactly." "I'm not gay." "... neither am I." "Kramer, get in here!" " Kramer!" "Where's the crazy man?" "Come on up!" "Come on in here." "What are you doing?" "Come and talk to us." "I've made an important life decision." "Let's talk about that." " Don't leave." "All right." "I" "I know I've been shooting off at the mouth lately." "First with that girl whose life you destroyed... and then about George dating a lady Jerry." "What's the decision?" "I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut." "Well, that's exactly what I'm gonna do." "I'm never gonna talk again." "Yeah, right." "What do I need to talk for, huh?" "What, the blab to the neighbors about how George has a new fem-Jerry friend?" "Or to tell everybody at the coffee shop how George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend?" "See now, I've done all that." "Now it's time for silence." "Silence!" "Yes!" "Kramer, you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking." "Jerry, 94% of communication is non-verbal." "Here, watch." "What does this mean?" "Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction of hearing about George's man-love towards she-Jerry." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "That's the idea." "Kramer, there's no way you stick to this." "Oh!" "you're gonna start now?" "That's right." "Right-- now." "Now!" "So J. Peterman wants to hire some of our cartoonists to illustrate your catalog?" "Well, we're hoping that if perhaps the catalog is a little funnier, people won't be so quick to return the clothes." "For example, I--I really do... well, I love this one." "Oh, yeah." "That's a rather clever jab at inter-office politics, don't you think?" "Uh-huh..." "Yeah..." "But why is it that the animals enjoy reading the email?" "Well, Miss Benes, cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer." "Well, you don't have to dissect it, if you can just tell me why this is supposed to be funny." "Oh, it's merely a commentary on contemporary mores." "But, what is the comment?" "It's a slice of life." "No, it isn't." "A pun?" "I don't think so." "Vorshtein?" "That's not a word." "You have no idea what this means, do you?" "No." "Then why did you print it?" "I liked the kitty." "You know what?" "You people should be ashamed of yourself." "You know, you doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market, you think you're doing comedy." "Actually, that's not bad." "Well, you know-- I have others." "Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a one-woman show." "No, it's just a little performance piece I wrote." "You know what?" "You really inspired me, okay?" "A tear?" "Ah!" "There you are." "Oh, right, code of silence." "How's that going?" "Thank you." "Hi, everybody." "I think you're really going to like this, 'cos it's about me." "All right, it's not just about me." "It's about me and this guy, Jerry Seinfeld, who I like to call The Devil." "Okay, so..." "I run into this Jerry on the street, and he says to me, "Hey Sally, you stink, you should give up acting."" "Oh!" "I'm doing Jerry now, okay?" "So you have to imagine I have horns, a tail and hooks instead of feet." "to Kramer Oh, shut up!" "She does a full hour about how you're the devil?" "I got to go see this thing." "Good luck." "It's sold out for the next three weeks." "Well, I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from-- the New Yorker." "The New Yorker?" "Yes, The New Yorker." "I met with their cartoon editor, and I got him to admit that that cartoon made no sense!" "Wow!" "Good work, Nancy Drew!" "Then we ended up going out to lunch, and he had some great gossip about James Thurber." "Nodding off..." "And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons." "Wow!" "That's incredible!" "But you don't draw." "I do too." "What, your sad little horsies?" "The house with the little curl of smoke?" "The sunflower with the smiley face?" "The transparent cube... as she leaves" "It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane." "Where did you see that?" "Those are private!" "Jerry, sorry I'm late." "Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show." "Isn't that great?" "Do you hate me?" "No, no, I tought the show was terrific." "I was just wondering if you have to keep saying "Jerry Seinfeld is the devil."" "Well, that is the title." "I know, but I thought maybe you could mention how I apologized, then encouraged you to stick with it." "You know I workshopped that and, uh" "Snoozers!" "But I'll tell you what, I'll tinker." "It's all a journey." "Thanks." "You got a little shmootz there." "Excuse me." "Miss Weaver?" "Oh, my God, it is you!" "I--I've seen your show six times!" "What a surprise." "You're great." "It's great." "It's so great to see a show that's about something." "Where to?" "My friends are idiots." "She doesn't look like Jerry." "She doesn't look like anybody." "And so what if she does look like Jerry?" "What does that mean?" "That I could have everything I have with Jerry,  but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her." "And somehow, that would be exactly what I always wanted." "She doesn't even look like Jerry!" "You know I really do look a lot like your friend Jerry." "I know." "Thanks for watching Nine News." "We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weaver's one woman show." "OK, so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop, right?" "And he's like, "Hey, stop doing your show!"" "And I'm like, "Hello!" "It's a free country!"" "So then he goes, "Okay, Shmootsie."" "And he starts pulling at my sweater, right?" "He's getting all, you know, Hands Across America." "There really was shmootz!" "I didn't try and grab her!" "And this is what he looks like when he is eating." "Get out of my house!" "Well boys, I did it." "I had to stay up all night, but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon." "I've stayed up all night, I fix myself up a little before I go out." "That is not the point." "Some mouthwash, a hat, something." "Just read it!" "glances at it Pretty good." "Pretty good?" "Wha" "This is a gem!" "Kramer, look at it!" "What?" "It's funny!" "It's a pig at a complaint department." "Yeah, and he's saying, "I wish I was taller"!" "See?" "That's his complaint." "I get it." "Do you?" "Because that's not a normal complaint." "How 'bout if it was something like," ""I can't find my receipt." "My place is a sty."" "Everything with you has to be so jokey." "I'm a comedian." ""I wish I was taller", that's-- nice." "That's real." "Well, I got a complaint." "This cartoon stinks." "I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks." "The New Yorker." "That's right." "They're publishing it in their next issue." "Oh!" "You know what?" "I just ran into Newman in the hall." "He said you tried to grope Sally Weaver?" "That's it." "I'm gonna put an end to this." "Wha" "The pig says, "My wife is a slut"?" "Now that's a complaint." "Hello Sally." "Yeah, this is Jerry." "I just wanted to leave you a message to let you know" "I caught your little piece on TV, and I'm getting a little tired of hearing about how horrible I am, and I would appreciate it if you would leave me out of your act all together." "That's it." "I'm calling in the big guns." ""To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld."" "Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer." "OK, well, I got two words for you, Jerry Seinfeld:" " you!" "How could she say that on TV?" "And how did she get a cable special?" "I 've never gotten a cable special!" "Well, that's it." "I'm not giving her any more material." "We are incomunicado." "Exactly." "Check it out, from the new issue of the New Yorker." "It's funny, isn't it?" "Look at it." "The pig wants to be taller." "And what's this guy gonna say, huh?" "Nothin'!" "Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire." "Can I fix that after lunch, sir?" "Oh, no." "Right away, chop chop." "Oh!" "a new cartoon." ""I wish I was taller."" "I'd like to see that complaint get rectified." "You see?" "See?" "Smart people think this is funny." "And you want to know why?" "'Cause I wrote it." "You shouldn't make fun of pigs." "Flash of lightning, Elaine." "I just realized why I like this cartoon so much." "Oh!" "Do tell, sir?" "It's a Ziggy!" "A Ziggy?" "That irreverence, that wit!" "I'd recognize it anywhere." "Some charlatan has stolen a Ziggy and passed it off as his own." "I can prove it." "Quick Elaine, to my archives." "You know what's great about our relationship?" "It's not about looks." "It's not?" "No." "It can't be." "OK." "For instance I remember, when we first met we had a great conversation." "I remember you said I was the prettiest girl at the party." "But then after that we really talked, didn't we?" "Well, you told me how familiar I looked, and that you must have seen me somewhere before." "This relationship has got to be about something, and fast, or I'm in very serious and weird trouble." "What else happened?" "You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus." "All right, yes!" "Gum!" "Good enough." "I'll take it." "I like gum." "I do, too." "You see, that's what we're about." "You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum." "I have gum in my hair." "I'm losin' it." "Hey!" "You're Jerry's friend!" "You're Kooky!" "Mind if I sit?" "My show is going really well." "Have you seen it yet?" "You should." "Everybody else in town has." "Oh, you know what?" "I got recognized the other day!" "How weird is that?" "I know." "At first I liked the attention, but after a while it's like," ""Whoa!" "Take three steps back." "Get a life, okay?"" "But there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, you know what I mean?" "But who am I anyway?" "I mean there's Sally Weaver the woman," "Sally Weaver the artist, Sally Weaver the person..." "No, you gotta shut up!" "I'm sorry, I--I haven't spoken in days." "Well, lay it on me, string bean." "Let me get this gum out of my hair, and then I'll be ready for bed." "OK, look, the gum isn't cutting it for me." "We need to be about something else." "Anything." "Please." "George." "Your hair?" "Well I had to cut the gum out, and I had a little trouble getting it even." "So why don't you get undressed, George?" "George is in big trouble!" "You ripped off a Ziggy?" "It must've seeped into my subconscious." "Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets." "D'you read the comics today?" "I see Ziggy's back at the complaint department." ""The New Yorker's stealing my ideas."" "See that's funny." "'Cause it's real." "Hey, look it!" "Sally's cable show's on!" "Hey, Kramer!" "Come on in." "You've got to watch this." "This will be funny." "Now she's got nothing." "Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld broke off all contact with me." "That's right, sister." "Why don't you just give up?" "Why are you yelling at the TV?" "OK, get this." "I heard he makes his best friend date women who look just like him." "Hello, issues!" "Elaine, have you been talking to her?" "Hey, I'm just a fan." "Oh, and speaking of issues." "Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone?" "I thought you stopped talking?" "All right." "Starting-- now." "You broke up with her just because she cut her hair?" "How short?" "Like that." "You mean like  that." "So she..." "Yes." "And you don't..." "No." "So..." "Exactly." "We... must never ever speak of this again." "No." "No." "Hey, you want to go see a movie?" "Actually, I think I'm gonna take a few days off." "I think that's for the best."