"# My thoughts may stray #" "# My eyes may roam #" "# The neighbors' grass may seem much greener #" "# Than the grass right here at home #" "# If pretty girls excite me, well, that's life #" "# But just in case you didn't know #" "# I love my wife #" "# If rosy lips invite me, hey, that's life #" "# But just in case you couldn't guess #" "# Or hadn't heard or didn't know #" "# I love my wife, I love my wife #" "# I love my wife. #" "So, what's your problem?" " Who says I have a problem?" " You always have one." "What are you talking about?" "Some guys need to bungee-jump to know they're alive." "You, you need your problems." "Yesterday, Bobby scraped his forehead on a coffee table." " Is it serious?" " No, he's gonna be okay." "But Donna's mad at me because she couldn't get ahold of me." " Where were you?" " Where was I?" "I was at your massage parlor, asshole." "So, now it's my massage parlor." "It is when it comes to me lying to Donna about being there." "Anyway, I have nothing to feel bad about." "I'm getting a massage." " Everyone gets massages." " Exactly." "Last year at Club Med, Donna got one twice a day." "Who's getting what twice a day?" " No one." " Okay." "So, Jake, what's the story with you and Ilene?" "She sent Randall a psycho letter." "You know how Randall is." "For every one letter to the editor, he thinks there's 30 more people out there with the same opinion." "Ilene sent Randall a letter?" "That's trouble." "Big trouble." "I got a sit-down scheduled with her first thing this morning." "I'm gonna set her straight." "See, this is why I don't cross the line." "What happens if Sachiko decides one day out of nowhere to drop Donna a letter?" "It's not a problem if she writes in Japanese." "Okay, I got the fix for this one." "If she does send a letter," "I tell Donna it's addressed to a former occupant sent by a wacko Japanese masseuse who's been hiding in the woods since the end of World War Il... doesn't know the war's over." "It's a long way to go." "Think she'll buy it?" " Depends how I sell it." " Always does." " She's waiting for you." " Okay, great." " Monica." " Hey, baby." " Shit, I forgot I have a meeting." " Not to worry." " I'll do a quickie." " No no no no no." "I'd love to, but I can't." "Not today, because I have this meeting..." "I'm sorry, I'll still take care of you, but you have to get out of here now." "Hey, one less time I have to reapply my lipstick." " Hi." " Okay." "Thank you so much for adjusting my computer." "That damn thing is always acting up." "Some systems are like that." " Come in." " Jake, Jake." "Your wife's on line two." "You must think I'm a fucking idiot." "Cute." "I have a present for you." "What's that?" "Oh, look at that..." "a pager." "What happened with Bobby could've been a lot worse." "Yeah, I know." "I know, I know." "But I told you, babe, I just..." "I was busy." "I have to be able to get hold of you, hon, no matter where you are." "I know, I know, you're right." "I've just... been running around a lot lately." "So, where were you yesterday?" "How'd I know that was gonna be your next question?" "I should be a mind-reader or something." "You gonna tell me where you were?" "I was at the movies." "I went to the movies." " You went to the movies?" " Yeah." "You never go to the movies." "Not on your own." " Not in the middle of the day." " I know, I know." "But I had a... you know, I had like writer's block." "I was trying to come up with this idea for a column, so I went out walking around and I kind of just ducked into a movie theater and watched a movie." "It was..." "You should have seen me, I was..." "I was tragically sad." "I was one beat shy of the guy sitting alone with the raincoat on his lap." "You would've loved it." "So, Missy wasn't with you?" "She didn't go to the movies as well?" "Missy?" "No, why would you ask that?" "I called at your office, she didn't pick up." " She didn't pick up?" " No." "Oh, she went to the dentist." "She went to the dentist." "She was with her boyfriend Gunner." "He took her to the dentist and I couldn't get ahold of her myself." "I should probably give her this pager." " I wouldn't." " I was kidding, actually." "Let me see that owie." "Yeah, that owie almost got Daddy a bigger owie." "Yeah!" "Look at you!" "Yeah." "So, what was the movie you saw?" "What?" "I don't know." "I..." " You don't know?" " l..." "How could you not know what movie you saw?" "This is beginning to sound like an interrogation, this whole thing." "You went to see a porn movie, didn't you?" "No, I didn't go see a porn movie." "Don't start with the porn thing." "Then why are you acting so defensive?" "You want to know what movie I saw?" ""Double Indemnity."" "I saw "Double Indemnity." "Double Indemnity."" " The old '40s movie?" " Yes." "I thought you hated old movies." "Okay, where's the pager?" "Where's... where's your little pager?" "Here we go, right here." "Got the pager, it's on." "That way in the middle of the night if you need me, and you don't want to actually reach over and tap me, you can page me." "Very funny." "I know, I am funny." "I'm a comical bloke." " Good night." " Good night." ""Writer's block?"" "That's the best you could come up with?" " That's very lame, my friend." " You know what that is?" "It's a fucking LoJack, that's what that is." "See, man, there's the difference." "If it had been me, I would have just said," ""No." "Sorry, baby." "It's a no-go on the page-ario."" "That's how I'm gonna deal with my wife." "Oh, man, I can't wait for this one to take the fall." "I'm telling you, God's got a whole new brand of pain waitin' for this motherfucker." "What's she gonna do next?" "Rig a video camera to my head?" "That way she can keep track of me 24 hours a day." "She's gonna be watching my every move, videotaping it." "It's not gonna happen and I'll tell you what," "I'm telling her I'm not gonna wear this pager, no way." "I just don't understand why Donna couldn't find you." " Where were you?" " I was out." " With Missy?" " No, I wasn't with Missy." " Cut me some slack, will you, Doug?" " Then where were you?" "I was at a massage parlor, okay?" "You went to a massage parlor?" "For a massage." "Sad, but true." "Then it's obvious why you didn't want to tell Donna." " Why is it obvious?" " Micky, the real reason you didn't want to wear that pager is because you're thinking about cheating." "I haven't cheated, Doug." "Don't say that." " Don't say I've cheated." " Not yet, not yet." "But you go to the barber shop enough times, eventually..." " you're gonna get a haircut." " Oh, bullshit." "I mean, even if he winds up getting a hand job, so what?" " A hand job's not cheating." " I didn't get a hand job." " Whatever." " Doesn't matter." " Just wanting one, that's cheating." " Oh, please." "Now, wait a minute, Doug, that's bullshit." "He's got to do something for it to be cheating." "What about cyber sex?" "Does cyber sex count?" "Hell, no." "That's just keeping up with technology." "Wait, wait." "Hold on there, girls." "The only thing that counts is when the skin bus takes a drive into tuna town, okay?" "Hand job's not even close, case closed." " Oh, no?" " No." "Okay, what would you say if your wife paid some guy 50 bucks to finger her?" "If it was your wife, I'd tell him to wash his finger." "If it was your wife, I'd tell him to cut it off." "Okay, I need you to find out where the movie" ""Double Indemnity" is playing." "I read somewhere that it's at a revival house." " Are you gonna go see a movie?" " No." "I went to a movie the day before yesterday." "I need to know where it was playing." "If you went the day before yesterday, why do you need to know?" "I just do, okay?" "By the way, on that day, you went to the dentist with your boyfriend Gunner." "Thank you." "I don't have a boyfriend Gunner." "We broke up last week." "And about the dentist, my appointment's on Friday." "Remember I told you that?" "I know." "That's changed." "Donna called." "I was out." "You didn't pick up." "I didn't want her to think something was going on," "So you went to the dentist with your boyfriend Gunner." "So do me a favor, break up next week." "Why did you say that?" "I don't get it." "I don't know, Missy." "I just did, okay?" "I shouldn't have." "I lied." " Okay." " Okay." "So, I..." "I went to the dentist, you went to the movies and I'm not breaking up with Gunner until next week." " Thank you." " Okay." "Oh, Jeez." "Where's the volume control for this thing?" "You don't have to use the beeper setting." "Hold on." "Let me see." "I'm good at this." "Hold on, relax." "Let it go." "I got it." "Hold on." "Imagine getting paged by your wife five times a day with that shit?" "Wait, wait, I'm really good at this." "Ah..." "Now it should vibrate." " Oh God, but not that loud!" " That's it." "I'm just gonna get a gun and shoot this thing." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Randall, hi." "Hey, hi." "I... getting paged by my wife." "So, what are you gonna do about Ilene?" "I don't know." "She's obsessed." "Says she doesn't want to see another woman get hurt, and then she's threatening to go see Bianca." "See, what'd I tell you?" "Never trust a big butt and a smile." "I think we can fix this." "I'll get her off your back." "Let me fuck her." " I know a guy that would do her." " Didn't I just offer that?" "Yeah, but this guy's supposed to be really good." "Why don't you threaten to tell Randall that she's the one writing the letters?" " Just divorce her." " She's not my wife." "Divorce your wife, divorce somebody and let's just shoot some fuckin' pool." "Enough of the extramarital women woes." "I have the fix." "Can I have a fix for a change?" " Yes, sir." " Take her out for a romantic dinner." "Take her to the Knickerbocker Hotel." "Take her up to the room and you very nicely fuck the living shit out of her till she drops from exhaustion." "When she falls asleep, we come in very gently, we put her in a crate and ship her ass to Alaska." "That way, when she wakes up and realizes she's the hottest chick on the tundra," " she'll be thrilled." " Absolutely." "She wakes up, she's a goddess." "She's the queen of Alaska." "She never wants to leave." "She's out of your hair." "Your wife will never know she existed." "Everyone wins." " You guys having fun?" " Yeah." "At your expense, why wouldn't we be?" "Busting your balls?" "I could do this all night." "# Well, she's so small #" "# She can fumble in a big ole boot #" "# Now, flip, flop and fly #" "# I don't care if I die #" "# Flip, flop, and fly #" "# I don't care if I die... #" "Oh, hi." "Sorry." "I was here a few days ago to see "Double Indemnity"" "and I lost my ticket stub and I need it." "You cheated on your wife and now you need an alibi." "What?" "No, no, I..." "I saw the movie." "I lost my ticket stub." "I need it for tax purposes." "I'm getting audited by the I.R.S." "Go ahead." "Knock yourself out." "I'm getting audited." "So what was the movie about?" "She'll ask, you know?" "No, she's not gonna ask." "She won't ask." "I would." "She's not gonna ask." "I'm telling you, I would." "I got it." "Thank you." "So, what's "Double Indemnity" about?" "How does it end?" "How does it end?" "I don't know." "Why not?" "We gonna do this again?" "C'mon, I told you." "I had writer's block, I went to the movies." "I came up like halfway through with an idea for a column... and I left." "Oh, you did?" "What's the column about?" "Insurance." "Insurance." "I have this idea of how the insurance rates go up when the murder rates go up." "I went and told Randall and he went nuts for it." "He was like gushing." "He told me to write it right away, said it was going to be my lead column next week." "That's a shit idea." "Don't write it, 'cause I won't run it." "No, no, you have to run it." "You have to run it." "I was hoping you would make it my lead column next week." "No, I'm telling you I won't run it." "It's no good." "It is good." "It is." "It's good." "It's gonna be an incredible piece." "It's all in the execution." "It's got everything." "It's got insurance and movies and murders." "I ran it by Roger Ebert at "The Sun Times."" "He got tears in his eyes." "He actually had to sit down, he was out of breath." "You're kind of on the bullshit train these days, aren't you?" " No." " Yes, you are." "And I don't trust a word that's coming out of your mouth lately." "I know you." "Know why?" "'Cause I knew myself." "I'm not following you." "You know, lying to your wife, catting around on her, you run the risk of destroying the only good thing in your life." "Believe me, I know from experience." "You fooled around on Eleanor?" "Did for a while." "Right up to the time she got diagnosed." "She confronted me about this girl I was seeing." "She got real quiet." "She didn't have to say anything, 'cause I could see it in her eyes." "The guy she thought she had married and loved had disappeared." "She never looked at me the same way again." "It's been 12 years since she died and there's not a day that goes by that I wouldn't give my right nut to have that last year and a half back again." "Randall, listen..." "Don't say anything." "You'll spoil the moment." "Just be a stand-up guy." "This place is running real short on them." "Okay." "Sun, surf and Johnny." "I'll get it." "I got it." " Hello?" " Is Bianca in?" "What do you think you're doing?" "I'd like to speak to the lady of the house." "No, thank you." "We're not interested." "Sales call." "I'll do that, I'll do that." "Just get 'em to bed." " Bedtime, let's go." " Aw, c'mon, Mom." " Bedtime, bedtime." " No, you finish it tomorrow." "Give me a kiss." "Night, sweetie." "Night." "Oh, hi." "I'm here to speak to Bianca." "Will you get her for me?" "You can't be here." "You have to leave." " After I talk to Bianca." " Jake?" " Oh, good, she's home." " Who is it, honey?" "It's someone from work." "Can't we just sit down and talk this through?" "Why would I do that?" "You're a liar." "I'm here to talk to Bianca." "Can you get out of my way?" "There's a coffee shop on the corner." "Give me five minutes of your time." "That's all I'm asking for." "Then if you still want to tell Bianca, she'll still be here." "Please, Ilene." "I'm begging you, Ilene." "Two minutes." "Time starts now." " Everything okay?" " Yeah, it's fine." " Who was it?" " Just a new reporter." "He's got writer's block and he's all in a panic." " Jake, it's late." " Tell me about it." "They don't pay me enough for babysitting these rookies." "I won't be long." "Okay, talk." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, now you are." "Now that I'm about to tell your wife." "No, honestly, I was sorry the other morning." "I wanted to tell you how sorry I was." "And then my computer consultant showed up." "Your call girl." "That was very classy." "Do you honestly think that I did that to be cruel?" "I'm not cruel and I'm not dumb." "Of course, you'd want to tell my wife." "Do you think I just fall for any guy that comes along?" " Is that it?" " No, of course not." "Look, I'm sincerely sorry." "I am." "I misread you." "I thought you wanted a fling, no attachments." "I should have stopped to think." "I should have been more sensitive to your feelings." "It's a little bit past that point now, isn't it?" "Yeah, and that's too bad, because I really liked you." " That's bullshit." " That is not bullshit." "And that's why I stopped it before it got weird." "Look, Ilene," "I can fool around with the same hooker for years, no problem." "With you, I could have had feelings." "You and I could have ended up in trouble." "Are you finished?" "You really want to tell my wife?" "The other day you said you wanted to tell her because you didn't want to see another woman get hurt." "Well, don't you think this will hurt her?" "It will." "It will devastate her." "I am not crying for you, Jake... or what we had." "I'm crying for what it says about me." "You are a sexy, smart, successful girl." "Who latches on to a married guy." "That's pathetic." "I'm not going to tell your wife." "You can fuck up your marriage on your own." "Because you will." "You not feel well today, Mr. Doug?" "Ahh, yeah, no, I just got a lot on my mind, you know?" "Just got so much on my mind." "Happy ending take a lot off your mind." "You want happy ending this time?" "No, no, I do, but, no, I just..." "How about half a happy?" "Do you give a half a happy?" "What is half happy?" "It's where you rub it a little bit and make it think it's happy." "Okay." "Oh!" "No, no, actually, I was kidding." "I was kidding." "I was kidding." "You know what?" "Just a regular massage, okay?" " Just a regular massage." " Okay." "Ahh, that feels good." "I'm such a liar." "I'm such a liar, Sachiko." "What's worse is half the time" "I don't even know why I'm lying." "You're not a liar." "Don't say that." "You're very honest man, Doug." "No no, I'm not." "I was." "Just crept in slowly too." "But the thing is, I just spend so much time covering my tracks." "Half the lies I tell her are just lies to make up for other lies" "I've already told." "I'm like that guy at the beginning of "The Jetsons"" "with his dog Astro going round and round just stuck on a treadmill of bullshit." "That's my life... just a treadmill of bullshit." "Listen, Sachiko, my name is not Doug, okay?" "I lied, I lied." "My name is Micky." "It's not Doug, it's Micky." "Yes, Micky Barnes from the paper." "What?" "No." "No no no no." "My name is Micky Carnes." "Micky Ca..." "I look like the guy from the paper, but he has a scar on his face." "You don't see it in the photo, because they take it out digitally, but I look like him." "So you're not the Micky from the paper, you different Micky?" "Yeah, different Micky." "He's a double amputee, actually." " Okay, Doug, you lay down now." " Okay." "Okay, you know what?" "Yes, I am the Micky from the paper." "I am that Micky, okay?" "My name isn't Doug." "I lied." "I made that name up." "Everyone come here make up a name." "That's not lie." "You knew all along that my name wasn't Doug?" "Always knew." "You a nice man, Doug." "You have tired eyes because you think you not nice man, but you are." "You very nice man." "You just don't know you're a nice man." "That's the only problem." "Would you get that for me?" "Yeah." "Oh, God..." "Is there somewhere where that I can use to make a private call?" "It's my chiropractor." "I have a knee out from a soccer mishap." "Hey hey hey hey, can I just... can l... everybody, can I get you to hold it down just a little bit?" "I've got to make this personal call." "Okay, thank you." "Hello." " Hi, it's me." " Oh, hi!" "Where are you?" "I'm out." "I know that." "Where?" " I'm at a Japanese restaurant." " Oh." "What was that?" "Um, that's someone really enjoying the food." "Yeah, the food's incredible." "It's just incredible sushi." " Why don't you bring some home?" " Bring some home?" "Okay, I'll bring some home." "By the way, will you bring back some milk?" "That's why I called." "Okay, milk's not a problem." "I'll bring some milk home." " I'll see you at home." " Bye." "Thank you." "That was my grandmother." "She's... she's sick." "She lives in Seattle." "She has diabetes." "She's on a respirator." "Okay, all right." "Actually, you know, can I just say something?" "Excuse me." "l-I'm... my grandmother is not sick." "Sh-she's not..." "doesn't live in Seattle." "She lives here in Chicago." "That was a lie." "Okay, thank you." "Nice meeting everybody." "Carry on." "Donna." "Donna." "I'm home." "Here you go." "Wow!" "Thank you!" "Wow, what was that for?" " I love you." " You do?" "Good, because I'm going to be bringing sushi home a lot more often." "Micky, I've been thinking about the pager." "It's right here, I got it right here." " Want it to vibrate?" " No." " Want to hear Beethoven?" " No." " Funkadelic?" " No." "I've been thinking, you're right." "I'm right?" "What am I right about?" "I mean, I love to be right, but tell me what I'm right about." "You shouldn't have to wear it." "You shouldn't have to account for your whereabouts every second of the day." "I don't want to be that kind of wife." "If you asked me to wear one," "I think I'd feel exactly the same way, so..." "No no, listen." "You know what?" "You were right." "I was wrong." "I was wrong, okay?" "I'm part of this family." "If you need to get ahold of me, you should be able to page me." "This is bullshit." "Here, I'll wear this thing." "If you want to page me, you can page me 24 hours a day, anytime, anywhere, okay?" "No more bullshit." "Thank you." "That's funny!" "Thank you." "That's funny." "It is." "It's funny." "Very funny, very good." "Okay, that's funny." "I get it." "Good, still got it." "Wearing thin, but it's still funny." "Thank you." "Go see how the baby is doing." "Thank you!" "You're a cut-up." "Thank you!" "It's in the tub." "It's nowhere near me, I'm not going after it." "Forget it." "Game over, you win." "# And then there's those other things #" "# Which for several reasons we won't mention #" "# Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger #" "# A little bit harder #" "# A little bit deadly #" "# It isn't #" "# Very smart #" "# Tends to make #" "# One part #" "# So brokenhearted. #"