"Do you know, I really did enjoy yesterday." "Well, yes, lounging by a pool is all well and good, but it doesn't keep you active." "Oh, don't worry," "Donald and I keep ourselves extremely active, thank you very much." "Which is why I've arranged another activity for today." "Oh, you got to be joking?" "I'm supposed to be on my holidays." "You enjoyed yesterday, you said yourself we make a great team." "What is it?" "And can we get a cab there?" "Oh, don't worry, you're within touching distance of it." "Oooh, I like the sound of that!" "There you go, but listen, if you lose this key again," "I'm going to have to lock you in your room and tell the bogeyman where you live!" "I'm only joking, pet," "I'm sure the bogeyman doesn't know you're on holiday." "Oh, heck, does she want a lolly?" "Oh, dear, I think I said the wrong thing there." "Hmm." "I also think the problem was your face." "What about my face?" "She saw it." "Oh, very funny." "Lesley, what is all this crap?" "'Crap'?" "How dare you." "That's a lifetime's collection." "A collection of crap." "What is it doing here?" "It's for the Spanish market." "I'd better get a move on." "You can hold the fort this end, can't you?" "I do not know what this means but yes, go." "Right, see you later." "Luego." "Buenas dias." "Hola." "Buenas dias..." "Mateo!" "What on earth is going on?" "The lifts aren't working." "I know, it's the reason the lift men are here." "I've just had to walk down 14 flights of..." "Ostia!" "Miss Temple-Savage!" "Are you all OK?" "My back..." "My back..." "You fell right down them stairs." "No?" "Did I?" "I can't say I noticed." "Oh, yes, you came down them with a right thump, do you not remember?" "Of course I remember." "You just said you didn't notice." "Here, sit down, you are OK." "How can she be OK?" "She fell right down them stairs." "Just go away!" "Sorry, I didn't mean to shout, I just meant " "Oh, it's all right, I quite understand." "You don't feel yourself when you've had a wallop on the head, do you?" "I do not know, what is 'wallop'?" "Oh, dear, your head's blowing up like a balloon." "Have you got some vinegar and brown paper?" "Vinegar and brown...?" "What on earth are talking about?" "Well, it worked for Jack and Jill." "Will you just go away!" "Savage!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Oh, Crystal!" "Oh, what a delightful surprise." "You look...sensational." "That's more than I could say for you." "Ooh, hello." "Are you just booking in?" "I'm on my own today on account of my son being out on business." "You don't fancy a game of dominoes, do you?" "No, thank you." "I thought not." "Bye-bye." "What on earth have you done?" "I haven't do anything, they're all like that." "No, I mean you, Savage." "I mean, how many flights of stairs did you fall down?" "Just a slight loss of footing, but I seem to have survived relatively unscathed." "Yeah, well, that's a matter of opinion." "Sorry." "Oh, Elvis, just leave the bags here." "I'm just staying one night." "Here?" "What do you wanna stay here for?" "Do..." "I-I mean, my goodness, what a thrill." "Mateo, can we have the honeymoon suite refreshed for Miss Hennessy-Vass?" "Oh, I think the honeymoon suite has just been booked for this evening." "Well, then kindly unbook it." "OK." "And then I'm going to take you to lunch, after I've made my inspection, of course." "I'll come with you." "No, there's no need." "I know my way around, you know." "You just scurry off and book that table for two." "Oh..." "Oh, Miss Hennessy-Vass," "I am wondering if I can speak to you?" "I'm waiting." "Oh, yes, well, next month, I will be a barman at the Solana for ten years." "What do you want?" "A cake?" "No..." "I am thinking it is time for promotion?" "Maybe..." "Or maybe not." "Hmm..." "Mateo..." "I'll be in touch." "That's it, Helena, spread it all out, try and make it look nice." "See if you can get a couple of euros each for it all." "What's going on here, then, you having a clear out?" "Spanish market." "Tea towels and car boot crap?" "What's Spanish about that?" "Well, you're in Spain, aren't you?" "I am beautiful, no matter what they say." "Words can't bring me down." "I am beautiful in every single way..." "Er, excuse me, am I interrupting you?" "Oh, sorry, love." "Sit yourself down, get your trotters out." "Trotters?" "Yeah, don't worry if they're a bit wiffy, there's a bottle of Cilit Bang and a cloth behind the desk." "You're not my eleven o'clock pedicure, are you?" "Crystal Hennessy-Vass." "That's not that freshwater colonic they're doing in the indoor market, is it?" "My name is Crystal Hennessy-Vass, and I am the CEO of the Solana Leisure group." "Oh, shit." "That's one way of putting it." "I got the cheap shampoo from the pound shop, you remembered to keep them Loreal bottles, didn't you?" "Oh..." "Three-star thinking boys, I like it." "It's some kind of market." "There you are then, off you go." "What do you mean?" "You love a market, don't you?" "That's where you buy all your clothes." "No, I do not." "All right, calm down." "I buy all my gear from catalogues these days." "You try and find a market that'll take £1.50 a week." "Morning!" "All right?" "Great night last night." "Was it?" "Lovely wartime feel about the evening, making your own entertainment, everybody pulling together, you know." "The only pulling he's doing on this holiday is when he gets to his room." "Do you mind?" "Oh, don't worry, the right girl will come along." "I mean, if my son can find the woman of his dreams, there's hope for everyone." "I don't mean there's anything wrong with our Geoff, he just has exceptionally high standards." "Yeah, right." "Oh, my, God." "Oh!" "Blood and sand, they're here!" "I'd better go find some sunbeds." "So you think we need a gimmick to pull the customers in." "Exactly." "We could give away a free makeover to one of the residents." "No!" "We've been through this, we're meant to sell our services, not give them away." "No, no, no, no!" "It's brilliant, you have a guest walking around the hotel, looking fabulous, and telling everybody to go to Blow and Go." "Yes, actually, I think that was my idea." "Ah, Crystal, there you are." "We're due at the restaurant in 15 minutes." "I've booked the San Sebastian." "It's very exclusive, somewhat of a hidden treasure, you might say." "Ahh, the San Sebastian, I adore Sasha, you do know the manager?" "Of course." "Sasha, she's a close personal friend." "Sasha is a 'he'." "Oh, so the operation was a success?" "Must be another Sasha." "I'll be outside." "And don't worry about Temple-Savage, she won't be on your back for very much longer." "Right, I have to go." "Goodbye, gentlemen." "Oh, steady on, Sasha, or I'll be in no fit state to work this afternoon, that's my third!" "Fifth." "Sorry?" "Nothing." "Do you know, I've never been here before." "Yeah, it is rather chic, isn't it?" "Well, it certainly knocks the Solana into a cocked hat." "I mean, what I mean is " "Well, yes, yes, I know." "That is why we had to bring the Solana down to a three star." "We can't possibly compete with all of this nor would we wish to." "Well, this is it, you were absolutely right all along." "We're budget and we're proud." "That's what you said, isn't it " "Yeah, I did say that." "We are budget and we are proud, which brings me seamlessly to the whole point of this luncheon, Joyce." "The staff wages bill is still far too high." "Believe me, Crystal, I have been through this with a fine tooth comb, we can't possibly cut staff wages anymore, they're living hand-to-mouth as it is." "Yeah, well, that is why I am cutting your salary by 50%." "You're asking me to take a 50% pay cut?" "Of course I'm not." "Oh, that's a relief." "No." "I've found somebody who is going to do your job for 50% less." "You're firing me?" "Of course I'm not firing you, Joyce, that would leave the most terrible stain on your CV." "We are friends, after all." "We are..." "I'm 'letting you go', darling." "Now, as of today your contract ends, but don't worry, you can stay in your apartment for another week." "I'm not a complete bastard." "A week to vacate my apartment?" "That's what friends are for." "Well, I must say, this is lovely." "Yeah." "I was just saying, this is lovely, very nice." "Mother..." "She's Romanian, not deaf." "Did..." "Geoff...meet you at the airport?" "No, but he told me which bus to catch." "The bus is actually quicker than the taxi." "You..." "look..." "lovely." "Lovely." "Thank you." "And a lovely name too, Rubella." "It used to mean German measles in my day, but I suspect it's something much nicer in your language." "Ionela." "My sister suffered terribly from them as a child." "My what?" "Her name's Ionela." "No, it's not, it's Doreen." "What?" "My sister's name, it's Doreen." "It's her name." "Oh!" "Is your name Doreen as well?" "So who's Rubella?" "Nobody!" "Your sister is German?" "My sister?" "German?" "No." "She was born in Widnes." "I was just saying, your name in German means measles." "Er, no, no, it doesn't." "What I mean is the type of Germans my sister had were called Rubella." "Not Germans, measles." "And the type of measles Rubella had were..." "Hang on, that's not right either." "Why don't you have a siesta?" "I could take Rubella to the market if you want a lie down, son." "How many times?" "It's Ionela!" "I would like to change my clothes." "Change your clothes?" "Right." "Oh, do you want the key for the room?" "No, I need some money." "Right." "You don't need money, this holiday's inconclusive." "'All inclusive'." "So I can change my clothes." "I've only got 50 euro." "Thank you, Geoff, I will be back." "Oh, son." "I think we need to have a talk." "Oh!" "Are we having piano lessons?" "When I was a teenager, I used to beg my uncle Dennis to let me have a bash on his upright." "Hi, Glynn." "Billy, this is Jacqueline who I was telling you about." "Oh, enchanted." "Oh..." "I was just saying to Glynn, I was always pestering my uncle Dennis for private lessons." "He won prizes for his fingering." "Um, Billy's not gonna give you piano lessons, Jacqueline, he's gonna give you a singing lesson." "A singing lesson?" "Yeah..." "I couldn't believe it when I bumped into Billy, he used to be very big on the nudist cabaret scene." "Billy Sparkle and his baby grand." "That can't be your real name." "No, my real name's Brian." "Well, shall we start with some scales?" "Yes, let's start with something easy." "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ahhhh." "Ah, ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah, ah." "Ah." "Ah." "How much singing experience have you had, Jacqueline?" "I've sung with Bananarama." "I can well believe it." "Free prize draw, love." "Here you are, love, it's a free prize draw." "You can win a 50 euro make over." "Just hand into the pool bar after you've printed your name on the back." "If you can't manage that, a thumb print will do." "Kenneth, I'm a bit worried about this makeover." "Everybody here's a bit middle aged." "Middle aged?" "This lot here are more Middle Earth." "What are we gonna do?" "I don't want to sound unkind, but we can't have the big reveal of our free makeover with somebody who looks like the back end of a bus." "Liam, just lately you've started to develop quite a nasty, peevish, uncharitable streak." "I like it." "I'm only thinking about the image of Blow  Go." "Don't worry, I'm not as stupid as you look." "Oh, look, it's Annie!" "Annie!" "You all right?" "What are you doing here?" "Shut up!" "Ow!" "What are you doing that for?" "You do not know that girl." "I do, it's Annie she does the karaoke at the Picadilly Bar." "Ow!" "Stop doing that!" "That is the winner of our makeover competition." "How's she gonna win?" "It's drawn at random." "Oh, stop, being so stupid." "You're gonna fix it!" "You're disgusting!" "Yeah, well, so are the people lying on these sunbeds." "Good point." "Free prize draw, win a 50 euro makeover." "Winner drawn completely at random, we don't know who's gonna win." "Stupid boy." "What is it?" "It's a Rubik's cube." "He's trying to work out where you plug it in." "What does it do?" "It doesn't do anything, you've got to solve it." "Each side's got to be a different colour." "Each side is a different colour." "A solid colour." "We used to have a boy at school that could do it in 38 seconds." "Philip Piggott, a right short, fat, speccy bastard he was." "Right, go on, I'll time you." "Ti?" "Ti, are you doing this or what?" "Back in a minute." "I've just got to do a spot of advertising." "Right, let's have a look at this thing." "What was that all about?" "If that was for the benefit of that blonde, she didn't even notice you." "She never looked up once." "Oh, she noticed me all right." "I can not believe it, why make your decision so quick?" "What did Miss Hennessy-Vass say to you?" "Nothing, nothing at all," "I just feel it's time to move on." "I've had my eye on Agadir for sometime." "Oh, please, no, this song it drive me crazy." "That's Agadoo." "Mrs Temple-Savage, I thought you were at lunch with Miss Hennessy-Vass." "I'm back, although not for long." "I've just got a few bits for the Spanish market," "I hope that's all right." "Yes, of course, whatever you want." "Miss Temple-Savage is leaving us." "Oh, where you gan?" "This means 'where are you going?" "'" "Yes, I know, thank you, Mateo." "I'm leaving The Solana, I just think it's the right time to go." "She's sacked you!" "She has not sacked me, Lesley." "I've just decided, with great thought, to move on to pastures new." "Do you think it's worth me throwing my hat into the ring?" "I don't think that'll be necessary." "Sorry to hear you got the boot, Joyce, but these days it's survival of the fittest." "Janey!" "You!" "She gave my job to you?" "Ostia!" "If you were the fittest, what did the others look like?" "Very funny." "Right, I'll have the highest vacant room, please, Mateo." "I'll obviously get your apartment, but Crystal tells me that she's given you seven days to vacate the premises." "Mateo, the room key." "No hard feelings, Joyce, you did your best, but clearly, it wasn't good enough." "Now listen to me, Janey - No, you listen." "The Solana is mine," "It always has been." "I'll be down in 20 minutes." "I'm back, Benidorm!" "And I'm back for good!" "Let's try again." "Whe-e-e-ere is love?" "Now you, Jacqueline." " Whe-e-e-e-ere is love?" "Downtown!" "Downtown!" "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" "How do you solve a problem like..." "No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this isn't working out." "You're going to have to leave or I'm gonna get the sack." "I think you're right, we should call it a day." "But, the thing is, Riannon, my wife, and I, sing as a country and western duo, and I got a Spanish agent to book us into the Solana tonight." "But your wife isn't here." "She's shacked up in France with my husband." "I know, it was going to be me and...you." "You see, I don't understand this internet business, but if you say you're happy, son, I'm happy for you." "Meeting someone in a chat room these days is just the same as meeting them in a pub or at a party." "Not many parties where you can tip up wearing only your pants and eating a pot noodle." "Exactly, it's the way forward." "And you definitely think she's the one?" "Definitely." "She likes me for me, not for what I've got." "Well, that's handy, cos you haven't got anything." "Free prize draw, win a 50 euro makeover, just write your names on the back, fold them up and hand them in at the pool bar." "Hey!" "One more please, there's three of us." "Hello." "We have a free prize draw." "Please take one leaflet and sign the back." "I don't know your name, because we've never met before." "When you have finished, please hand it into the pool bar." "Thank you and good luck in our random prize draw!" "Oh, hello, love, don't you look smashing?" "You like?" "I find market, it has many clothes, very cheap." "This dress, ten euros!" "Nice one, look after the pennies and the " "So I bought five." "Geoff, I would like some juice." "Yeah." "Yeah, course, orange juice?" "You choose." "Right." "Do you want another tea?" "No thanks, son, I'm stuffed to the gills with it." "Right, time for a beer, I think." "No beer." "Sorry?" "No beer, Geoff, this is why you're fat." "Juice." "Right." "I was gonna have a beer because" " No." "No beer." "Juice." "Right..." "Two orange juices." "Here, give me that." "He's generally all right on a couple of beers during the day." "He should not drink if he has important business meetings." "Important business meetings?" "Yes, he has not mentioned the merger?" "Merger?" "What merger?" "Between Maltby Communications and Telefonica." "No." "No, he never mentioned it." "You must be excited about coming to live with us." "I am excited." "Geoff has told me all about the mansion." "Mansion?" "Maltby Towers." "My family in Romania also are excited, my mother, she always had a dream of living in UK." "Tell me, you really have eight bathrooms?" "Well, the thing is Rubella..." "Erm..." "Yes?" "I think I'd better let Geoff tell you." "Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there." "No problem." "Are all these the same size?" "Yes, love, size ten to twelve...ish." "Are you looking for something for a night out?" "No, I'm a singer and I could do with a few new stage outfits." "But these size tens look like they've been stretched, by a size 18 in denial." "Excuse me, did you say you were a singer?" "Yeah, why?" "So, you open up the leaflet and ignoring the actual name that's written on it, you say, 'and the winner is Annie..." "..Redmond'." "Without the pause, obviously." "No, my little friend, with the pause." "The pause is the strongest part of the illusion, it tells everybody that you're trying to make out the writing." "Oh, yeah!" "That's brilliant!" "What can I say, I'm a genius." "Oh, I know!" "What if I start to read it and say, 'Annie..." "Oh, hang on, I've just got to get my glasses.'" "Let's not over egg the pudding, love." "Right, does this still work?" "Is it on?" "Ladies and gentlemen, the Blow  Go free prize draw will start in five minutes at the pool bar." "Mr Conroy, this is your five minute call." "That's you." "No, no..." "You're fine, just practice." "Please." "Get off me." "And the winner is..." "Here you are, ladies." "God, you're eager, Bettie." "There you go." "And the winner is Annie... ..Redmond?" "Any more?" "Here you go, love." "One for you." "I feel sick." "Any more?" "There you go, thank you." "Thank you." "Good luck." "Thank you." "You entered the competition?" "Yeah." "I don't know about a makeover, some of the people here look like they've been run over." "Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder." "Yeah..." "Right." "What's that?" "It's a costume for tonight, just needs a bit of alteration and a visit to the joke shop." "Your friend on the piano said he'd never heard a voice as bad as mine." "Don't worry about that, I've made alternative arrangements." "How you getting on with blondie?" "Not very well." "That's because you're being too subtle, you need to up your game." "Pinch her bum, let her know the score." "Pinch her bum?" "Who gave you flirting lessons?" "Benny Hill?" "I think she has a specific type." "Oh, yeah, what's that then?" "Dead." "Oh, sorry, Joyce, staff aren't allowed." "I'm not staff." "What do you mean you're not staff?" "Ask her." "What's going on here?" "What's it got to do with you?" "Janey Yorke, new manager of The Solana." "What?" "Janey is the new manager, Miss Hennessy-Vass, she sacked Miss Temple-Savage." "Bloody hell." "Kenneth works in Blow  Go." "Well, I say work..." "So I'll ask you again, what's going on here?" "Well, just doing a prize draw to win a free makeover in my salon." "Is it costing me anything?" "No." "Right, carry on." "Right, here we go, ready for a free makeover, Ionela?" "Oh, yes!" "There's a lot of leaflets in there, not much chance of winning." "Sometimes it's best not to leave it up to chance." "Geoff is a very clever man." "No argument from me there." "Good luck, madam." "Oops, sorry." "While you're down there." "Sorry about that, there you go." "Thanks, love." "Right?" "Are we all in?" "Yes?" "Good." "And to draw the winner, we just need someone who hasn't entered the competition." "I said, to draw the winner we just need someone who has not entered the competition." "OK, I will choose the winner." "Anyone at all." "I said I will do it, give me the bag." "Get off." "Anyone else who has not entered the competition." "Come on, just get on with it!" "What is your problem?" "I said I will do it." "Liam!" "What?" "What have I done?" "Nothing yet, as usual." "I was just saying that we needed someone to make the draw." "Oh, yes, I will pick a winner at random..." "Randomly." "That's right, give it a good mix up, we wanna make sure everyone has a fair chance of winning." "And make sure you all keep a look out for the winner tonight in Neptune's, you won't believe your eyes." "OK, here we go." "And the winner is... ..Terri Dawson." "Ahhhhh!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "I've won it!" "I've only gone and bleeding' won it!" "What the frigging hell are you playing at?" "It said Terri Dawson on the leaflet." "How many times did you practice saying Annie Redmond?" "I practiced with blank paper, the writing threw me." "What do we do with Two Tonne Tessie?" "I think her name's Terri." "Oh, shut up, dickhead!" "Well done, love, if you'd like to go up with Liam now, so that he can work his magic on you." "I don't know about magic, we need a bloody miracle." "Oh, that's washed lovely." "And then after my divorce, I thought bollocks to it," "I'm gonna become a lesbian." "Right, how'd that go?" "Not very well, although I made some lovely friends and became very good at playing pool." "Liam." "Psst." "How's it going?" "That free bottle of cava has gone down very well." "I don't mean that, are you gonna be able to make her look human?" "That's not very nice, she's got lovely...skin." "Yeah, just too much of it." "I think you're being unfair, she's got a lovely personality." "Brilliant, when we reveal her new look in Neptune's, we'll just say she looks a dog's dinner, but she wants world peace and she'd love to look after kids." "It might help if you lend a hand." "Liam, love," "I'm absolutely rushed off my feet." "Mmm." "Oh, I forgot to say, I've had a call from Crystal, she's finished all her meetings and she's on her way back." "She's got an early start, but she's gonna pop in to see how we've done." "How I've done." "Whatever." "So, you've got an hour." "An hour?" "Kenneth, I need you in here!" "Liam, I would love to, but I've got Joyce out here in bits." "Looking lovely!" "Cheers!" "You've no need to keep pretending Mrs Temple-Savage, we all know you were sacked." "Tossed onto the scrap heap of life." "Please, Lesley, it's Joyce from now on." "And, well, it hardly matters now, the fact is I'm going." "Thrown away like a child's unwanted toy." "Well, I think it's disgusting, you've turned this hotel around, you have." "Dropped from a great height into the bottomless pit of obscurity." "Yes, thank you, we've got the picture." "Do you have any plans?" "I don't know, Lesley." "I'm a bit shellshocked." "I think I need a day or two to understand exactly what's actually happened." "Um, hello?" "You have been sacked." "Mateo, you're actually starting to annoy me now." "Sorry, just trying to help." "What's going on here?" "A mothers' meeting?" "We are merely consoling a friend and colleague." "Ex-colleague." "Yeah, well, these two can do it on their own time." "Mateo, you've still got an hour left on reception and then Neptune's." "Lesley, there's four market bags full of crap from your 'Spanish market' that you've left behind the pool bar, get 'em shifted." "I'll get you another drink." "Two large brandies, please, Diego, love, and a couple of slippery nipples on the side, we've got a woman in distress here." "No hard feelings, Joyce." "No hard feelings?" "You got this job by undercutting my salary by 50%." "Which is still 100% more than nothing." "I'm sorry, I've got to go." "I've got a hotel to run." "Well, I, for one, think a makeover would be pointless, you can't guild the lily or as my mother used to say, a pig in a wig is still a pig." "No, I don't think that's the one I was thinking of." "Anyway, a toast, to Geoff and Rubella." "To Geoff and Ionela." "Right, I'm going to leave you two love birds and have an early night." "You've not had your tea." "I've got some Ovaltine in my case, a mug of that, and a Murder She Wrote in Spanish will do me." "Well, only if you're sure." "Don't do anything I would!" "I like your mother, she is crazy." "But not enough to stab someone." "Thanks." "Miss Hennessy-Vass, everything is OK?" "Oh, Elvis, why don't you take the bags up to my room and take the evening off." "Thank you very much." "Yes, yes, everything's fine, Mateo, isn't it?" "Yes, Miss Hennessy-Vass." "Oh, please." "Let's dispense with the formalities, just call me Crystal." "Thank you, Crystal." "So, tell me, how are you getting on with the new manager?" "Oh, I know that she's a little bit rough, but I'm sure she's fitting in quite well, don't you think?" "Janey?" "Yes, I know her many years, she was here before Miss Temple-Savage." "I know, I do own the hotel." "Yes, sorry, Miss Crystal Vase, I mean Miss Hennessy Vase," "Hennessy-Vass." "I mean, Crystal." "Goodnight, Mateo." "Oh, Miss Crystal." "This is very hard for me to say, but maybe you think about the thing I ask?" "Promotion?" "For me?" "Oh." "Right." "I tell you, why don't you come up to my suite in about an hour, we can chat about it then." "You can just let yourself in." "I won't bite you." "You'll find that I'm very easy to talk to." "# Beauty school dropout" "# Hangin' around the corner store" "# Beauty school dropout" "# It's about time you knew the score" "# Well, they couldn't teach you anything" "# You think you're such a looker" "# But no customer would go to you" "♪ Unless she was a hooker... ♪" "Bottle of lager, please." "I'm Tiger." "We met earlier." "Did we?" "Well, sort of." "You here with your Dad?" "My Dad?" "No." "Oh, right." "Sorry..." "I thought that bloke you were winking at today around the pool might have been your Dad." "Excuse me, I've got to be somewhere." "Yeah, sweet." "See you around." "Pathetic." "If that's your attempt to try and chat up a woman, all I have to say, pathetic." "All right, calm down, I was only making conversation." "Having said that, it would have worked with me." "Watch yourself, Joyce, I don't want to have to throw you out for being drunk and disorderly." "I would prefer it if you didn't call me Joyce, my name to you is Miss 'Semple-Tavage', and I am a non-paying customer." "From this evening for the next week, I'm a Benidorm holiday maker." "You're certainly drinking like one." "Thank you, thank you very much." "That was Elvis there with Beauty School Drop Out." "And now we have our featured act, a great country and western duo all the way from the UK, let's hear it for Dangerous When Wet!" "# Baby when I met you there was peace unknown," "# I set out to get you with a fine-tooth comb" "# I was soft inside" "# There was something going on" "# You do something to me that I can't explain" "# Hold me closer and I feel no pain" "♪ Every beat of my heart... ♪" "I'm really glad that we're getting on well." "Of course, we have been chatting online for months." "I know but it could be different in real life." "Geoff, I did not care you sent picture of someone else." "I am not interested in good-looking men." "Thanks." "You are a wealthy, successful business man, this is more important to me." "Yeah, I know, but - And a humble man too." "I know you could have holidays anywhere in the world, but you choose to live a simple life." "I will help you spend your money Geoff, this, you deserve." "Yeah." "Listen, we need to talk about my...business, and...well, everything." "Geoff, I am going to bed now, today has been a long day." "Just for tonight I've erm..." "I've done something a bit impetuous." "What is impetuous?" "You know where you put your bags and all that?" "That's actually my mam's room." "I've booked us into the honeymoon suite, just for tonight." "Oh, no, Geoff, we cannot share a room until we are married." "What?" "My grandmother, she would, how you say, make circles in her grave." "Yeah, but it's all paid for and..." "I will collect my bag from your mam, and take another room and put this on our bill." "Hang on a minute, I don't think you can do " "Do not stay awake too late, Geoff, you look tired." "I can tell you worry about your company's million dollar merger." "There's a 44 inch telly in the suite with British channels!" "For God's sake." "Oh, sod this." "I'm watching every channel on that telly." "♪ From one lover to another... ♪" "Here she is, the makeover queen!" "Give her some walking room!" "All the handiwork of Blow  Go open seven days a week." "Well, at least four." "You look amazing." "I know." "Here she is, the belle of the ball." "Oh, my God!" "My Auntie Terri is fit!" "What do you think?" "Tel?" "Yeah?" "You look..." "I look what?" "Come here." "You said she was gonna look like a dog's dinner." "Shut up, you tart, go and get the drinks." "You look amazing, you really do." "# Islands in the stream" "# That is what we are" "# No-one in between" "# How can we be wrong?" "# Sail away with me" "# To another world" "# And we rely on each other, uh-huh" "# From one lover to another" "♪ Uh-huh ♪" "Mmmm!" "Is that you, Mateo?" "Perfect timing, I've just opened a bottle of..." "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ostia!" "It's not what it looks like." "I see you are busy." "Maybe we talk another time." "No!" "I think we got double booked." "I beg your pardon?" "I've made a terrible mistake." "Oh..." "I'll be the judge of that." "Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells"