""Marketing 101"" "if you live in any major city, you see 800 ads a day." "In most of them, models are going to be looking at you like they want to fuck you." "You're so used to this that you don't even notice it anymore, but your body does." "Your heart rate increases, your pupils dilate, you breathe faster... you become more alert." "You've been tapped." "Looking at a billboard is supposed to feel like love at first sight." "But it's not real." "It's just marketing." "And without that, you wouldn't even know who you are." "You see, the first thing you learn in business school is that you need to market yourself before the ads do it for you." "Which is why they teach you to pick a new name-- brand yourself and become the product" " that you're trying to sell." " Your name's Scat?" "Yeah, my name's Scat." "A name he chose because it was closely associated" " with jazz, beat poetry and..." " Animal shit." "N-- like jazz." "It's a type of music." "You've had 16 sexual partners?" " Okay..." " Yeah." "Provided your blood test comes back negative, that'll be $54." "Fifty-- don't you think my sperm's worth a little more than that?" "Because you've had 16 sexual partners, there's already a 90% risk..." "But I put on my form that I don't have an STI." "You could have written anything." "Ma'am, what am I supposed to do with $54?" "I can't pay my rent with $54." "Do you know how hard it is for me to just give away my future spawn for 54 bucks?" " How do you think they'd feel?" " Shh." "Cool name." "This is Scat's roommate Sneaky Pete." "He broke his jaw sophomore year after a motorcycle accident, and had it wired shut." "He couldn't speak for three months." "The accident just so happened to coincide with "Marketing 304:" "Persona Creation," where Sneaky Pete received the only perfect score." "He hasn't said a word since." "You're a perfect candidate, Mr. Pete." "This is wonderful." "Provided your blood test..." "Pete visited the health clinic 18 times his freshman year, and it wasn't because he had the flu." "That will be $270." "But the truth doesn't matter, because perception is reality." "...saving it for marriage." "It's all just... marketing." "$54 a week?" "Your sister makes more at her lemonade stand." "Mom, it's just temporary." "Competition's stiff in this climate." " You're settling." " I'll get" "You used to be so innovative." "Remember when you won the science fair, Michael?" "Mom, my name is Scat now." "This form is now..." "Recapping the stories..." "Introducing the Tiddy Bear." "That's T-I-D-D-Y Bear." "The cute little guy that eliminates all those irritating shoulder-strap problems." "Designed to make driving more comfortable, the Tiddy Bear snaps onto your shoulder strap and moves up and down to eliminate uncomfortable pressure..." " Going to bed?" " Now you can have you own Tiddy Bear, and eliminate those annoying shoulder..." "They say every person has three million-dollar ideas in their life." "Scat had three of them before he turned seven..." " See you tomorrow." " ...and many after." "In high school, he won the state science fair for inventing a new flavor of ice cream." "165 people showed up for the taste test." "They just wanted vanilla." "You see, people don't care about something new." "They just want the same old thing behind a new, sexier label..." "Fuck!" "...because taste doesn't matter." "It's all about the branding." "And without that... it's just syrup and water." "Pete, you awake?" "I have an idea... it's a drink idea." "It just clicked!" "I'm gonna run with this, Pete." "I really think this could be it for me." "I might even be able to pull you in too." "You've got great ideas." "What do you think?" "Do I" " I mean do I go indie?" "Do I try to sell to one of the majors?" "Yeah, it definitely feels mainstream." "One of the majors." "I just need to get it in front of the right guy." "Little did he know her name is Six." "Wow." "Six sounds like sex." "That's the point." "Studies show that the more men associate sex with decision-making, the more likely their answer will be "yes"" " to anything that you might request." " Morning, Six!" ""What was the question?" You might ask." " Grade A." " Great ass." "Do you really think it matters?" "Addy." "This is Beth." "Sure!" "Welcome to the Addison Company, how may I help you?" "Hello, Beth is it?" "I'm the brother to your New Products marketing manager and I... it's the whole family." "We have this special birthday surprise planned" "Who do you wish to see, sir?" " Six." " I'm sorry," "New Products doesn't accept unscheduled meetings." "Yeah, I know that, Beth." "That's why I'm here." "I was hoping you'd put me through to her so that I can sort this all out." "Addy." "This is Beth!" "Sure, you're welcome!" "I'm sorry, New Products doesn't accept unsolicited calls." "Tell me, Beth, how do you suggest that I contact my own sister?" "I refuse to solicit a call." " That's just absurd." " Try her cell." "Have a nice day, sir." "Addy." "This is Beth." "Yeah, the ingredients in Addison beverages are suitable for a vegetarian." "Should we reschedule?" "No, I don't know." "Not sure how long we'll have to stay out here." "All over my phone." "I suppose we should stand over here." "You know how they first marketed fire alarms?" " Hired arsonists." " Yeah." ""Marketing 101" "I hear 'em from my manicurist, my Pilates instructor, my girlfriend." "I don't need yours." "You don't need my what?" "A drink idea." "Bravo." "You've got the sex thing, you've got the wealth thing," " you've totally got the mystery thing." " You think this is an image?" "You're right." "Don't ruin the magic." "The insurance company only obligates a four-minute mandatory evacuation for all fire alarms, which means you have 25 seconds before Addy starts losing money." "What?" "Can't we set up a meeting, something?" "I have an idea that could make your company millions of dollars and you're giving me 30 seconds?" "That's how long we have to sell our customers." "It's called advertising." "Five seconds." "All right." "Okay okay!" "Jet black can called "Fukk"!" "8:00 p.m., Alain Ducasse." "11:00 AM, coffee." "I don't do dinner." "12:00, lunch!" "Abe  Arthur's." "Or I'm going to ZephCo." "Tampering with a fire alarm is a federal offense." "Men categorize women in one of four ways:" "mothers, virgins, sluts and bitches." "Of course, none of the above is suitable for the modern businesswoman." "But you can create your own image by selecting pieces of each archetype that work for you." "For example, the sexual attractiveness... of the slut." "The wisdom of the mother." "The integrity of the virgin." "The independence of the bitch." "This leaves men confused and unable to pigeon-hole you." "What they're forced to do instead is take you seriously." " Mr. Scat." " Ms. Six." "As this is a business lunch, a handshake is appropriate." "I completely agree." "I always say lunch lubricates business." " Lubricates what?" " Nothing." "I don't lubricate." " Mr. Scat..." " Scat." " This idea of yours, "Fuck"" " Yeah, that's F-U-K-K." "That addresses my first concern." "Now, with regard to the target market," "I'm assuming you're after the young, cynical image-conscious consumer?" "Like yourself." "Mr. Scat, don't confuse me with a consumer." "I don't buy anything." "Exactly, it'd be like drinking irony." "No, we're not ready yet." "Did you have any thoughts on taste?" "Well, no." "People don't buy energy drinks based on taste, do they?" "No, I was just wondering." "Well, then... something eye-wateringly sharp with a kind of chemical aftertaste, so you think, "This must be powerful!"" "Good." "Good." " Where are you going?" " I'm leaving." "What about lunch?" "Mm-hmm." "May I say you're very young to be managing your own department?" "I'm 21." "No, seriously... 21." "I'll give you 25-- okay, 24." "Mr. Scat, I am 21." "Now deal with it." "Okay, marketer to marketer," " you're not 21, and..." " What?" "...you're not gay." "I graduated from high school when I was 15, courtesy of an advanced-learning program." "I did four years at UCLA, an MBA at Stanford, and now after three months at Addison, I am 21 years old." "I lie about going to Stanford too." "Perhaps you should see someone about that." "Look, Fukk's mediocre, it's not great." "I was thinking, what if the can has a ton of compressed air in it so that when you pop one, everyone around hears it?" "No, we had a bad experience with aeration in Massachusetts." "300 people called to complain about excessive gassiness." "And besides, there was that exploding-can fatality." "Have I had you sign a non-disclosure form?" " No." " I'm going to need you to do that." "I'll come into your office tomorrow." "Actually I don't need you to come in until we present to the board, and they don't convene until next week." " I'll courier you the form." " Mediocre, huh?" "Look, I work for a company that could buy a continent if they wanted to." "I have people that fix ideas." "Addiland?" "Hmm." "The point is just sit tight." "I'm going to have my team work through the night to make it great." "I'm assembling them now." "Okay." " Okay." " Could you not use that word?" ""Okay"?" "Look, "Addy" is the second most well-known word in the world." "We're shooting for number one." " You get me?" " I get you." " Why Six?" " What?" "Why did you pick Six?" "Why not, you know, Five?" "I didn't pick it." "It is my real name." "Nobody's parents give them an unusually cool name." "There are only parent-given regular names and parent-given embarrassing names." "I went to school with a kid named Petal, for Christ's sake." "I hate to wreck your theory, but I was named Six by my parents." "Although not at first." "When I was born, I was christened "Zero,"" "when I turned one, I was renamed to "One."" "It was actually quite touching, having my name as well as my age on my birthday cake in frosty blue icing." "Even if I believed you can remember your first birthday, which I don't, what happened to Seven?" "When I was six, my parents died in a plane crash." "Taxi!" "We'll be in touch." "Scat I'm in love." "She's like a rose dipped in poison." "She sells herself better than anyone I've ever met." "I think there was some sexual tension." "I've always wanted sexual tension." "She's having a team work through the night to present to the board tomorrow and she said they don't meet till next week." "She lies right to my face, outrageous lies, and you know what?" "I believe them." "She's trying to steal my idea." "She's fantastic!" "Yes." "I wonder what her real name is." "Please leave a message at the tone." "Hey, Mom, you'll never believe this." "I pitched an idea to Addison Cola Company yesterday." "And, well, nothing's for sure yet, but they're having me" " present to the board today." " Hey hey." " Hey!" " Hey hey!" "Hey you!" "Damn it!" "Oh, hey!" "You'd get a real kick out of this." "I mean it's a whole room filled with rich executives all listening to me pitch my drink idea." "Wish me luck, I wore a suit." "It's Pete's." " And later, we will further develop..." " Come back here!" "What's going on?" "Hey!" "We are prepared to go to all measures..." "However as we" "Sorry I'm late." "Traffic was toxic." "Chairman, gentlemen, may I present to you Mr. Scat?" "The creator of Fukk." "How's everybody doing?" "Is Mr. Scat here one of our employees?" " Actually, he is-- No, not yet." "Sir, he is simply a contractor that I've brought in" " to help with some logistics." " I hate to burst your bubble, but we don't develop products that we don't own." "Gentlemen, my partner may have misled you." "See, Mr. Scat and I have co-developed Fukk." "And he is prepared to relinquish trademark rights for only $2 million." "That's good." "Does that mean...?" "Yes, Scat, you're rich and famous." "You did register that trademark, didn't you?" "Thanks, hon." "That's enough." "Number 32!" " Hi!" " Hi!" "Hello!" "If I have a name for a new drink and it hasn't been registered," "I can do that through you, right?" "Oh yes, dear." "What's the name of your drink?" "It's F-U-K-K." "Oh, "Fook"?" "Okay." "I'll just enter that into the machine here." ""Fook, Fook, Fook, Fook, Fook," "Fook, Fook, Fook, Fook, Fook."" "Ooh, I'm sorry." "That name has already been registered." " Just this morning too." " What?" "One person but with two names." "Fucking bitch." " What's her real name?" " Huh?" "One of her names is Six." "What's her other name?" "Oh, uh, one of the names is Peter Ang... and the other is Sneaky Pete." "Huh!" "That's kind of fun" "Shit!" "Pick up, pick up!" "Sneaky Pete." "Now it actually fucking makes sense." "You asshole." "You fucking asshole!" "I trusted you." "Do you think they want a stolen idea, Pete?" "Nobody likes a lawsuit." "Six isn't stupid." "She knows how to navigate these things." "I've already heard from her people, her legal department, they" "Fuck." "Well, congratulations." "You've just completed "Marketing 101"" "Hello." "Hello?" "Good evening, Mr. Becker." " Who's this?" " I have good news for you, Mr. Becker." " And what would that be?" " You're the winner of the Comtel ring-in-the-savings draw, entitling you to three big months of our crystal-clear long-distance service at 20% off the regular low low price." " Isn't that incredible?" " Yeah, I'm not interested in any..." "And that's not all." "If you sign up for our dial-up Internet access plan, you can be surfing at breakneck speeds for the jaw-dropping price of $19.99." "Do you have a credit card, Mr. Becker?" "Honey, I just saw your drink this afternoon in the soda machine at the tennis club." "And Jenna-- you know Jenna, Sophie's mother-- anyway, I overheard her telling her friends how she just loves a good Fukk." "I realized she was talking about you!" "Your drink!" "I'm just so proud of you." "Send Pete my love, honey, and include him in everything you're doing, huh?" "We'll speak soon." "Bye-bye." "Scat!" "You look, um... how are you?" "Yeah, I'm good." "I'm great." "Thank you." "Good." "Good!" "Very good." " Fukk" " Hmm?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, they're great." "They're... they're fantastic." "I-I..." "I really like what you did with the carbonation." "We put a disclaimer on the bottom of the can." "Yeah, I saw that." "I... wondered about how you might be doing." "I'm fantastic." "I mean... you mean the trademark thing?" "That's business, you know." "But I've got so much going on, that... it didn't..." "How's it doing?" "Number one energy drink in the nation." "Wow, that's fantastic." "I mean congratulations." "That's huge." "Yeah." "It wasn't really me." "Hey, Six, let's go!" "Pete's waiting." "He's got a big surprise for you." "Of course." "Mr. Pete would like to firstly thank everyone in this room for all of their hard work and determination during the summer Fukk campaign." "Gentlemen, we are once again projected at number one." "And well deserved." "Now, now..." "Mr. Pete would like to personally extend his warmest congratulations to Ms. Six." "After all, this was her baby." "But you can rest assured, Ms. Six, with Pete fathering the Fukk campaign from here on out, your baby is in good hands." "Hopefully, the Classic campaign won't be too much work for you." "Scat What was that?" "My baby shower." " You're not..." " No shit!" "I've been taken off Fukk and stuck babysitting Addy Classics." " Why?" " Senior management loves Sneaky Pete." "Everyone else is terrified of him!" "So I'm stuck implementing a 15-year-old campaign." "Fucking men!" "I'm replacing the campaign with something better." " Much better." " What's that?" "Ideas aren't my strength, Scat." "My strengths are development, management and negotiation, which clearly you don't have or else you'd be worth $2 million right now, wouldn't you?" "You got another Fukk in you?" " Have I...?" " Right." "I shouldn't have asked." "I'm sure you're busy." " So we'd be working together." " Yes." " Having lunch together." " Possibly." " Living together." " Yeah-- no!" " Why would we be living together?" " I need a place to stay." " I don't have furniture at my place." " I'll loan you a mattress." " The lease is almost up." " This is only for five days." " Why?" " If any new production is gonna make it in time for summer, they need it by the end of the week." "So you're asking me to come up with an entire advertising campaign" " for Addy Classics in five days?" " No, that would be a waste of time." "I need you to come up with an entire advertising campaign for Fukk." "I want to beat Pete." "C'mon, what's the worst that could happen?" "You don't think of anything and go back to your... other work." "My other...?" "I'm definitely staying at your place then." "I live in Times Square with my girlfriend." "Tina doesn't like men... at all." "Why are you smiling?" "'Cause this is what it feels like to be the guy you need." "You can have the sofa." "Not a bed." " Pillows are subject to availability." " Sure." "And you do not wander into rooms, you knock." "Of course." "And most importantly... you leave that toilet seat down." "I may not be able to control that." " Then I hope you can hold it." " It's instinctual." "I think a handshake is appropriate." "This is exciting." "I feel good about this." "Five days though?" "Isn't that cutting it close?" "Whatever." "We can probably stretch it." "Loose deadline, right?" "You can do this." "I'll assign a team once you get the hang of things, relieve some of your... stress." "Kind of like you did on Fukk?" "This is it." "Are you gonna say it?" "You're clearly not a lesbian." "What?" "We leave for work at 7:00." "I'll wake you at 6:00." " Okay." " Scat, that word." "Even outside of work?" "There is no outside of work." "Shit." "Shit!" "I made you breakfast." "Wow." "I never would have picked you for a woman who would cook for a man." "Why not?" " Because of the sexism." " Are you trying to be sensitive?" " I am sensitive." " So, what, according to you, women aren't allowed to cook for men?" "Reversing the gender stereotype doesn't eliminate it." "If you weren't sexist, you wouldn't care I made you breakfast." " All right." " No no no, okay, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Thank you." "I appreciate it, Six." "You like them fluffy?" "I made them fluffy." " I love fluffy." " Eat quick, we leave in 20." "Quicker." "Product Relatability,"" "you learn to analyze love, longing and desire as if it were a tool to sell a product." "As far as we know, it's a stimulation of the brain's ventral tegmental area and caudate nucleus." "These areas are also involved in major purchasing decisions, so a lot of research is going into how to trigger them directly, with a fragrance, for example, or a particular sequence of notes." "The ultimate goal, of course, is a method of making any given person fall hopelessly in love with any given product." "We haven't figured that out yet, but... we're getting there." "We're getting there." "Signing in a sub-contractor." "Today." "Yeah." "Six." "Who the fuck told the band we'd cover their mini-bar?" "No, it's not fucking all right." "It's not fucking all right at all!" "We want 50k on that, minimum." "You can't get a good-looking priest for under 50k." "I spent hours going through the casting." "Welcome back." "This is my office?" "No, that is your office." "Call me if you need anything." "Oh, and by the way, if anyone asks, you're consulting on an Addy Classics campaign." "So you're the new Chet." " Excuse me?" " A word of advice..." "Nothing." "Scat, don't do that." "You feel important, but you look pompous." "That is quite a control complex you've got there." "I know that you enjoy psychoanalyzing me, but not everything I do reveals my innermost secret feelings." "Sometimes I'm just trying to prevent you from embarrassing us." "You need a little leadership." "Oh, that's leadership?" "What about your inability" " to accept anyone else's point of view?" " Focus." "Let's focus." " Your paranoia?" " Business savvy." "Obsessive need to know everything that's going on?" " Organizational skills." " Aggressiveness?" "Okay, that means we're moving up the 3:00 to 2:00, but that's fine, we can move the 2:00-- that's the old 2:00-- to 4:00." "Mr. Pete?" "Mr. Pete." "This is Scat, a contractor I've brought in to help with some campaign logistics." "Creating and Sustaining Competitive Advantage in the Workplace."" "With rivalry always comes motivation to succeed." "So what do we have?" "Okay." "I know that some... creative people can find pressure counter-productive, but... tomorrow's Friday." "What happens if I can't think of anything?" "I mean... you can't really rush this sort of thing, you know?" "I have faith in you." "All right." "Okay, well... this needs more work, but tell me what you think." "So we open on a beach." "Frolicking teenagers, sun, bikinis, then a shadow falls over them." "They turn and there's this gigantic beach ball." "I mean, it's 100' tall, right?" "And as it rolls towards them, they run and they scream and they..." " what?" " How does that sell the product?" " It's just cool." " We don't need "just cool," Scat!" "We need brilliant!" "They're going to fire me, Scat." "I canceled the old campaign already." "It's too late to go back." "Pete put me in charge of mundane re-processing procedures, so I just... canceled it." "So unless you come up with something brilliant by 6:00 tomorrow afternoon, Addy will have no summer campaign for Fukk and we'll both be fired." "Not in a cool way." "Not dramatically." "We'll just clean out our desks and go home." "You'll catch a bus back to your furniture-free apartment and disappear." "Valuable Relationships and Synergies" "How to Cultivate a Valuable Partnership and Recognize When You're Being Leveraged Unfairly."" "Scat just happened to be sick that week." "Help help-- oop." " You can do it." " What?" "Come up with the world's greatest ad in less than 12 hours?" "Really, you think so?" "'Cause I gotta say, at this point I think it's more likely that I'm not." "It would be irresponsible of me, as your manager, to put that excess pressure on you." "This isn't excess pressure?" "This feels like excess pressure." "It's simple, Scat:" "yield results, keep your job." "Why'd you have to go and make me breakfast, and then just" " You're an adult." "Try and" " You don't give a crap about me." " You never have." "I feel used." " You're throwing a tantrum." "Well then, you shouldn't have made me breakfast." "I feel like I'm going to my own execution." "You knew it was impossible, but you still had the nerve." "You know what?" "This isn't even about drama." "This is about basic respect and human decency, and you don't" "You can do this." "It only takes an 18th of a second for a synapse in your brain to trigger a thought or a million-dollar idea." "What do you got?" "Here's how to spot the difference between art and marketing." "Marketing starts with an unfulfilled need in the marketplace and figures out how to plug it." "Art, on the other hand, starts with the idea." "Figuring out how to sell it comes later, if at all." "This way makes better stuff, but a lot of the time there's no market for it." "This way makes more money, but a lot of the time the idea sucks, 'cause you can't force ideas to turn up when you need them." "They just do... or they don't." "I've got nothing." "What?" "Well, at least you had fun." " You just flushed me down the toilet." " Beach balls?" "I don't know, maybe we should have gone with that." "No, we shouldn't." "It was a stupid idea, just like all your other stupid ideas." "Your company paid $2 million for one of those stupid ideas." " Because I sold it to them!" " You know what?" "This is not cool." "This is not cool." "Fuck!" " Fuck!" " Scat, cut it out." "I feel like I'm babysitting." "It is not acceptable to throw tantrums in public places." " Don't do that." " I am not going back to that life where everything was annoying and boring and sucked!" "I'm not!" "People actually get killed doing that." "Shit!" "Uh-oh." "Scat?" "Scat!" "Scat?" "Scat?" "Last year, 12 Americans lost their lives while trying to steal from vending machines." "Wouldn't you die for a Fukk?" "'" " Holy crap." "Did they just buy it?" "They bought it." " What's wrong with you?" " What?" " You're excited." " No, I'm not." "Yes, you are, you're excited." "I'm finding you very attractive right now." "Really?" " So?" " Over it now." "Congratulations!" "Can I have everyone's attention, please?" "Thank you." "Mr. Pete would like to congratulate" "Ms. Six and Mr. Scat on the new campaign." "This is exactly the type of initiative that Mr. Pete likes to foster in New Products, so, well done." "By the way, I am Mr. Pete's new personal assistant." "My name... is Three." "That's my image!" "They've stolen my image!" "Come on, you're twice the woman she is." " That's my image." " 'Cause three plus three..." "Are you talking?" "Do you know how long it took me to develop that?" "Three." "That's not even right!" "Three!" "What is that even supposed to mean?" "What's Six supposed-- oh, of course." "Six, Scat." "Mr. Pete wanted you to know that even though what happened yesterday was an unforgivable and despicable form of sabotage, there are no hard feelings." "Mr. Pete's only concern is the outcome of this company." "And we're going to work really hard to make sure that this new campaign of yours doesn't turn into a total disaster that consumes both of your careers." "Understand?" "Interesting look." "Make sure that security doesn't see you up here." "Fukk!" "How was that?" "Six, check it out." "We got the dailies back from the studio." " Not bad, Scat." " Subtle, I like that." " Not bad at all." " I thought you were Six." " I'm not Spock." " Seriously... isn't this a little demeaning?" "Oops, said his name." "He was a fucking sick..." "Let me ask you something-- and I know that this is super personal, but I was just kind of wondering... why do you like Six so much?" "Is it because you like to be pushed around?" "No, of course not." "Well-- maybe that's part of it." "You know it's not real, right?" "You know there's not one thing genuine about her." "You know that she's not even a real lesbian, right?" "Yeah, of course I know that." "You could have saved me some embarrassment." "Scat, there is nothing real about her." "She's just image!" "Why do you shackle yourself to her?" "Sneaky Pete will take care of you..." " and so will I." " No no no, you don't know Six... at all." "It's cold tonight." "So you should sleep with me." "A standard Vegas striptease is seven minutes long." "The woman should remove her top at the four-minute mark." "At six minutes, she should be naked... with the exception of an optional prop." "The beginner's mistake is to get naked too fast, thinking that's what the audience is there for." "It's not." "Sex is biology." "Sex appeal is marketing." "It's not the naked body that's exciting." "It's the possibility." "That's your side." "All right?" "You stay on that side and this is my side." "There is... no need for overlap." "Okay." "And don't fidget." "You have a tendency to fidget sometimes." "Don't do that." " Okay." " Scat, that word." "Ow!" "What was that?" " What do you think you're doing?" " I am kissing you!" " I'm not your little woman!" " You invited me to bed!" "You can't ever take me for granted!" " What am I doing here?" " I don't know!" " I" " I don't know." " Do you care about me?" "Be honest with me, do you?" "Do you care about me?" "Look, I am begging you, Six." "Lam begging you just to be honest with me and to give me one clear sign." "Look, I like you." "I need to know if you feel anything for me." "Or if I'm just some naive moron that you're using to get what you want." "You're more than a naive moron to me." "No, I'm doing Boston." "I thought you were doing New York." "No, Sneaky Pete is doing New York." "He's doing "Letterman."" "He doesn't even speak!" "I guess I'll just do Seattle and come home." "And when are you coming home?" "I'm home." "Uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." " Will you be paying compensation?" " How do you feel about this?" "What do you say to the family?" "Can you answer that question?" "A community is in mourning, and there's talk tonight of an investigation after a vending machine tipped over on top of a teenage boy." "Family and friends are remembering the freshman..." "I just heard a loud thud." "I didn't think anything of it until I looked over." "There were cans every..." "Behind me you can see an incredible display of cards, flowers says that about 40 students have taken advantage of the grief counseling at the school." "Some have even had to go home." "Do you ever stop and think about the people that we manipulate... into wanting something so badly... they'd do anything for a goddamn energy drink." "And for what?" "I mean, why?" "Why do you do this?" "Is there anything genuine about you?" "About what you do?" "And do you feel important?" "Do you feel empowered?" "Is that it?" "What happens when you go home and get into bed and realize that you're no one?" "And you look at me with those stupid, sexy eyes." "Fuck!" "And I just want to know you." "Six, I just want to know you." "That's all I've ever wanted is to know you." "You could say that Parker Meehan was typical." "He played basketball." "He got passing grades." "He hoped one day to become an architect, like his father." "But that dream is gone." "Snuffed out because like so many typical teenagers," "Parker decided to try something that he saw on TV." "On television, a falling Addy machine doesn't seem like it would hurt." "In fact, it seems almost funny, but..." "Parker tragically discovered that life is not always like it is on TV." "Would anyone care to share a few words?" "I would." "Yes, please, come up." "Scat." "Scat!" "I used to think that it didn't matter." "I was so lost with what we could do... that I never considered whether we should." "It's a great power that we wield." "It's a great and terrible power." "Maybe we've forgotten that one basic truth:" "power requires responsibility." "I don't know." "Maybe us marketers have lost our way." " You know..." " Scat, come on." " Let's go, come on." " What the hell are you doing?" " What?" " Don't these people look awfully attractive to you?" "I saw the blonde use an eye irritant." "I'm pretty sure that brunette on the end was in the Addy '07 campaign." "Scat, these people are actors!" "Come on." "That prick." "Ls everything all right?" "Parker Meehan is not dead!" " Scat, Scat!" " Son!" "No no no." " Stop, no no!" " It's marketing!" "It's fake!" "It's marketing, it's" "Aha!" "You see?" "Do you see?" "I told you." "Shit!" "Occasionally, just occasionally, your company will be caught in a lie." "It's not good." "If possible, immediately fire somebody expendable and publicly apologize." "If not, you gotta stick to the lie." "Remember, perception is reality." "Yes, that-- that looked bad." "Looked bad?" "We've spent $400 million on our image this year." "And your boy goes on television, tips over a coffin, pulls out a mannequin," " and shakes it!" " Yes, I-I-- we know that this is a PR disaster." "And we know we need a scapegoat, but let's be very clear as to who that scapegoat should be." "This whole debacle was deliberately arranged by Sneaky Pete." "Let's not go accusing people without evidence." "We have absolutely no proof..." "Gentlemen, I am confident that an event this expensive can be traced to his expense account." "I don't know enough about marketing to speculate on Mr. Pete's motives, but if it's true, then I would feel fairly confident that it was part" " No." "The situation here is very clear." " No what?" " The situation here is very clear..." " Excuse me!" " We need to call a press conference..." " Part of a strategic plan." " Done!" " And announce that this episode was an underhanded attempt by Sneaky Pete to discredit a colleague, and that Addison will not tolerate such behavior." "And that he has been fired." "I mean, how else would we explain it?" "Say that Scat went temporarily insane?" " Well..." " Okay, the real question here is who would you rather have running your marketing department?" "Someone with integrity, or someone who will do anything to get to the top," " no matter what the cost." " Hmmm." "Which Scat will also do," " but with integrity." " Scat is very new here." "I am not." " You had to open the coffin." " I hope you and Pete live happily ever after." "You have no idea what you're talking about." "I guess I am that naive moron, huh?" "Thanks for your loyalty, Six." "I appreciate it." "You have no idea what you're talking about." "To listen to your messages, press one." "First new message." "Received today at 2:52 AM." "Six, it really is so clever!" "Sexy Six." "Look, I just have one question for you." "Did you make him breakfast, huh?" "Are you guys a team now?" "You and Pete?" "Screw you." "I miss you." "Come on, break's over." "Shoe department needs your help." "They can only find a seven, the customer needs a six." "On your right, we've got the weeping clown of the meatpacking district." "The old butchers used to come out here and weep for the slaughter of their kill and..." "Come on!" " Two hours before we..." " Heads up." "Scat ...get to our destination." "I don't know why, but I'm-- There's goes our man." "I'm just a magnet for young, young women." "Exactly how young?" "Thanks." "Go!" "I will not get drawn into this with you again." "It is Fukk." "It's pronounced "fuck." It's pronoun" "That's what everybody's calling it." "It has nothing to do with "fook." It's not Swedish." "It's not "fook," it's "fuk." "Fuk."" " He looked taller on TV." " They always do." " What's with the rickshaw?" " What?" "Taiwanese cross-promotion?" "Rickshaw?" " The pedicab?" " Yeah." "Rickshaw." "Research, right?" " For a new campaign?" " Hmm?" " Who are you?" " We are not at liberty to reveal our employer, Mr. Scat, but we can say they turned over $18.4 billion last year." "ZephCo?" "That's too specific." "Guys..." "Mr. Scat, we just want to talk, just talk." "Yes, I did." "Yes, I did." "I can't say no." "I can't say no." "No." "Research." "Let's talk straight." "ZephCo doesn't know what you were doing with that funeral stunt, but whatever it was, it was brilliant because everyone's talking about it." "Here's the thing, we have great marketing already, all these competitions and giveaways." " We have excellent execution." " No, you don't." "Yes...?" "Look, we need to beat Addy." "And we were doing just fine until guess who comes along." " Sneaky Pete!" " The inventor of Fukk!" " Fuk." "Fuk." " It's "fuck."" " You know about Fukk?" " Yeah, I know about Fukk." "The drink is genius." "Naturally we immediately tried to poach Mr. Pete, but since he turned us down, here we are." "We feel you have the potential to be the next Sneaky Pete." "Now we know you worked with him on the "Die for a Fuk" campaign, right?" "You were-- fuck." "You" "You were clearly-- "fuk."" "You were clearly a team at the funeral." "Right?" "And now this whole guerilla marketing, you know, with the rickshaws-- genius, genius!" "Genius." "It speaks volumes to us that Mr. Pete trusts you as much as he does." "Volumes." "And we have been empowered by the CEO to hire you right now." " Okay, look..." " We get it." " You're happy at Addison." " I'm not happy at Addison." " I'm not even at Addison." " Shut up, Scat!" "We're hoping that our ridiculous salary package might change your mind." "Exactly how ridiculous?" "I think it's safe to say very ridiculous." "Preposterous, even." " It's a great opportunity." " Yep." " It's a lot of money." " Yep." " What was your real name?" " Six." "You have 62 direct-line employees-- water, sparkling-- not including the call center." "Scat, Six" " Charles, Buckey." "Your personal bathroom is right through there." "What is this?" "We need to get this..." "No no no." "This is not for me." "I thought we covered that." "Excuse me." "Your remaining budget is $200 million." "Your office." "What do you think?" "It'll do." "I appreciate your coming on so quickly." " We need you." " Of course." "We're happy to be here." "You don't understand." "You've got to help me." "I have stock options." "We are very committed to making this work." "In fact, let me ask you something." "How do you feel about attack marketing?" "I know there's some potential for backlash, but in a basic duopoly like this diluting their USP could be nothing but beneficial for us." "I don't know what the hell you just said." " Just sell product." " Absolutely." "Can do, sir." "Good." "You're exactly the same." "I'm sorry, did I allude to being someone I'm not?" " Are you trying to be ironic?" " No." "Anyone who works with you loses their soul." " I'm sorry to hear that." " That I lost my soul?" "You should be." "No, that you don't want to work, Scat." " Stop being so dramatic." " Oh God!" "You couldn't figure out how to fuck me." "So get over it." " We have work to do." " I never just wanted to fuck you." "Everyone wants to just fuck me." "I'm different!" "You're still a guy, right?" "Thinks with his dick." "If that were the case, I could have settled for a whole lot less." "And don't tell me that I just want you because I can't have you, because that's... that's..." "Call the SMT." "Now." "The SMT stands for Senior Management Team, an acronym that Scat picked up in "Business 185:" "Understanding the Corporate Structure."" ""Average Kok."" "Just have to take a look at it." "Yeah, now isn't that basically Fukk?" "Who wants to drink a Fukk when you can down a Kok?" "Kok is like Fukk for sissies." "It's "fuk." "Fuk."" "The important word here isn't "Kok."" ""Average"?" "Here's how it works." "The less religious you are, the more likely it is you're interested in celebrities." "Know that old question, "if you could have dinner with any five people, living or dead, who would you choose?"" "Nobody ever picks their friends." "We're not going to sell this product to your friends." "Not yet, anyway." "Now Zeph is way too mainstream for this, so we set up a subsidiary that..." " What the-- - ..." "looks independent." "We call it Z2." "Z2 releases Average Kok with absolutely no above-the-line, but a ton of astroturfing, word-of-mouth, seeding, black lemmings, the works." "Once sales are solid, we send a crate of product to the 100 hottest people in the country." "But not Average Kok." "We tell them," ""For you, we've got the real thing." A personalized can with their name and their number on the back." "Now they're intrigued." "They see our invitation to send one of their people to a closed meeting at the Z2 warehouse." "And there, we explain how it works." "Ladies and gentlemen, there are 100 numbered cans... each linked to a specific celebrity." "For example, the Hilton 88s." "Ms. Hilton is currently in possession of the only 88s in the world, outside of this company." "And we will not sell any 88s to anyone unless they bring in an unopened 88." "That's a sign that Ms. Hilton considers them worthy enough to be seen with her product." "That person may then purchase as many 88s as they'd like, but no other number." "Here's the catch." "If someone brings us an 88 and we don't feel they're Kok material, or if our people see someone in public with an 88 we don't feel is worthy of Kok, we will terminate the 88s." "No exceptions." "No appeals." "This product is image in a can." "We take image very seriously." "We take it as seriously as you take the clients that you represent." "That's it, people." "Those of you who brought cans can begin." "As soon as word gets out about this, sales of Average Kok will free-fall, sure, but demand for Celebrity Kok will soar, driven by the implicit endorsement of the world's top celebrities." "Now they won't be able to buy it, but they'll be desperate for it." "And the real beauty of all of this is what they want to buy-- it isn't the drink." "It's the marketing, I mean, the image," " something that didn't exist" " Let me hold you up there a minute." "What does this product taste like?" " I'm sorry, what did you say?" " Taste?" " Don't you think that's important?" " No no, I don't." "Look, this product could be sneakers or t-shirts or glow-in-the-dark headbands." "It's not about the fluid, man." "It's about the image!" "70% of what we perceive as taste is psychological." "As long as this thing tastes better than urine, people are literally going to convince themselves" " that they like it." " Actually, people can believe" " they like the taste of urine." " Really?" " We tested it once." " Sports drink?" "We tested it once." "We didn't sell it." "Look, I can't explain it any clearer than this, the success of this product-- stop it!" "The success of this product depends on people being shallow, superficial, self-obsessed, greedy and desperate for attention." "This is the American dream in a fucking can." "A 34 just showed up on eBay." "Find Roberts for me and tell him I need a mark-up on Red Bull in Vancouver." " Are you going to answer that?" " What's the 34, the Cruise?" "The Jolie." "Current bid's at $3,000." "Do not answer the phone like that again." "I saw you." "Don't look at me like that." "I have Ms. Barrymore's people on the line." " They're threatening to sue." " She should have thought of that before she started handing them out at concerts." " I saw a fat guy drinking one." " We had no choice." " Mr. Scat." "Busy, very busy." " Yes sir." " I like that, there's just one thing." " What's that, sir?" "You're not selling very much product." "In fact, you're refusing to sell it." "Correct, sir." "That's why people want to buy it." " But my stock options." " Sir, do you realize what would happen if we released Kok to the general public now?" "Sure, sales would be massive, but all those celebrities who basically built our brand, they'd be humiliated." "It'd be like us saying to the world, "Hey!" "We just fucked over the world's top celebrities!"" " You're a genius." " Thank you, sir!" "Rumor has it they're grooming him to be the next VP." "Don't you have somewhere to be?" "What?" "Do you, um... do you love all of this?" "What sort of stupid question is that?" "Do you?" "Scat I think I'm like that... that kid who still believed in Santa Claus until some asshole kid told him that it didn't exist." "I am that asshole kid, huh?" "Scat The verdict's still out." "What sort of profound nonsense is that?" "We're about to go public." "Oh-- we're live." "Mr. Scat?" "Mr. Scat?" "My name is Kit." "I don't know if you've ever considered taking on a protégé, but I would be..." " Great stuff." " ...honored to follow you around" "And watch everything you do." "I have requests for interviews from print and TV and radio." "Also, I know you're really busy right now, but if you ever get lonely or you just want to talk..." "Okay okay okay." "You'll love this, okay?" "Entrepreneurial Solutions for Market Failure,"" "you learn that once you make it to the top, in any crisis that may arise it then becomes your job to reset perception through corporate restructuring." "A young kid committed suicide today in St. Louis." "Left a suicide note on the back of a hand-drawn picture of a Kok can, with the number 17 and his name." "CNN is going live at 8:00 p.m. with the number 17 being "Damien White's lucky number."" "It's obviously uncorroborated." "Okay yeah, the note says..." "I don't want to know what the note says." "No, I got it." "It's right here." "It's right here." ""I love everybody." "I just wish I could have been cooler."" "It's Pete." "The "I"s are all lower-cased." "Now that-- see, that's the sign of a depressive..." " I gotta call Six." " Somebody that has a low opinion..." "Don't call Six." "Don't call Six." "The kid's dead, Scat." "We had our research department fact check." "Okay?" "The mother's already hired a lawyer." "We need you to go live with this before the 8:00 news." "Okay?" "We've arranged a pre-taped CNBC interview." "You'll need to... spin this." "You want me to spin the suicide?" "That's what we pay you for." "We just want to come up with an angle on this together." "We couldn't... bup bup bup." "You want me to fire someone?" "Yeah." "Who am I going to fire, Davidson?" "It was my idea, it was my concept." "Yeah, it was a great concept." "That's not the issue." "Where's Six?" "Personally, I never had a connection." "There was no synergy, but I tried." "I think that'll be enough." "Six, look, call me back, okay?" "Um, don't go back to the office." "Just call me back and I'll come meet you wherever." "Yes, you'd be working directly under me." "And you would have quite a bit of creative freedom." "Um, it's just I'm very excited about this opportunity." "What do you think that you can bring to the next campaign?" "Hey, Jen, hey, it's Scat." "Where are you?" "Jameson's looking for you." "Look, where's Six, Jen?" "Where was her 2:00?" "She's interviewing a new creative." "It's in the Village." "It's a lunch thing, I think." "Thank you." "Thank you for lunch." "Are you fucking kidding me?" " This is Scat." " I have heard so much about you." " You ignore my calls for this?" " It's not what you think, Scat." "Of course it's not what I think, because it's you." " You're never what I think." " What do you care?" " What do I care?" " Yeah, what the hell do you care?" "They're grooming you for VP." "You've got some great ideas, and I look forward to seeing how we can incorporate them into ZephCo's current campaigns, which will probab" "She always starts with those fucking ideas." "Welcome to ZephCo." " Thank you." " Thanks." "We're live in 30 seconds." " Did you make the market?" "Just-- yep." " Makeup's clear." " Want me to roll the tape?" " Perfect." " Here you go." "Some sad breaking news coming to us tonight." "Damien White, a young teenager, age 16, has committed suicide." "He left behind a suicide note that reads," ""I love everybody." "I just wish I could have been cooler."" "On the back, a hand-drawn..." "Let me just check your microphone." " Allegedly Damien..." " Jen, it's Six." "...believed himself cool enough to buy Kok, the ultra-elite" " celebrity energy drink sold only to..." " ls Jameson there?" "...100 celebrities until yesterday when it was released to the general public." "Celebrities have been tweeting..." "Good evening, I'm Lisa Simmons." "We have some sad breaking news coming to us tonight." " We have sad breaking news." " Quiet please!" "Damien White, a young teenager, age 16, has committed suicide." "Hello hello." "What are you doing here?" "Look, I need a place to stay." "That Three, man-- she took my job at Addy." "You knew that, right?" " No, I didn't." " Yeah." "They had to fire someone for letting you and Six go." "Hey, I'm sorry about..." "It's all right." "It's just business." "Yeah." "I'm thinking of changing my image." "Really?" "I liked the whole silent... thing." "Yeah, but it's kind of limiting." "There's only so far you can go with that." "You know... you were a really good arch-enemy." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "Especially after you got me fired." "I was fuming." "Thanks." "I'm in love with a girl." "I don't even know her real name." "You, my friend, are in love with an image." " Is that bad?" " Eh..." "Six quit." "She quit... because of you." "...cool enough to buy their product." "How do they recover, John?" "How does ZephCo turn this around and use it to their advantage?" "Well, they don't." "Right now ZephCo should be entirely on the defensive." "A young child has committed suicide because this company refused to sell them a drink." "This is a prime example of corporate bullying as far as I'm concerned." " "Corporate bullying"?" " Is this real?" "That's because companies usually don't refuse to sell..." "He actually killed himself?" "Yeah." "Yeah, the family already lawyered up." "What usually happens in circumstances like this is that ZephCo would identify a fall guy, someone in the marketing department, and terminate them publicly..." "He's just an intern, Scat." "They're grooming you for VP." "I feel like I'm losing you." "Jameson won't take any of my calls." "You're supposed to let me go." "That's why you came here, right?" "You know, I was a ballerina." "I had dreams... like the kind we sell to people." "I was going to go to the Levinheimer Academy... travel around Europe." "It wasn't just a goal, Scat." "It was an absolute." "And then I went to Yale... and I went to London." "I did my audition." "And they told me I was missing a muscle in my calf." "I couldn't even do the battement glisse." "A simple move." "I was missing a muscle in my leg and there was nothing I could do about it." "Even" "I decided then... that no one was ever going to be able to tell me what I could and couldn't do again." "Even" "And now I'm here, sitting in a bar," "waiting for you to fire me." " Ironic." " Is that real?" "What?" "Do you know how hard it is for me to tell you the truth?" "So you wanted to be a ballerina?" "I wanted to be..." "Right." "Okay." "Try our new rejuvenating formula." "You'll look younger, feel younger..." "We're here with the head of New Products and Marketing for ZephCo." "Mr. Scat, thank you for joining us." "I only wish it was under better circumstances." "I want to offer my sincere condolences to the White family on behalf of ZephCo." "Mr. Scat, it doesn't seem like the death of an innocent teenager has affected you." "If you're asking me to acknowledge the fact that through this ad campaign people will literally kill themselves to get their hands on what I'm selling... then yes." "Look, as far as I'm concerned, this is one of the most successful ad campaigns of all time." "It will certainly go down in history as one of the most daring." "I know who Damien White is-- or who he was." "Because I fell in love with the dream too." "But I don't want to spend the rest of my life chasing after an enigma." "And neither did Damien." "Look, I don't think that anybody is taking the death of this teenager very seriously because they're still buying my product." "This means that you've made a conscious decision to buy this drink after Damien White's death-- after his suicide-- because it's even cooler." "In fact ZephCo's stock has tripled since the suicide." "So if Damien White's death means anything to you, then don't buy Kok." "But that'll never happen because you believe in the dream, the fantasy." "Buy Kok." "Become perfect." "Scat!" "What are you doing?" "Just going for a walk." "Grand exit?" "When will you realize, when will people understand..." "Yeah." "..." " That it's all fake?" " Don't you get it?" "None of this is real, it's all fake." "The entire thing is fake." "Let me-- let me explain something to you." "If you live in a medium-sized city, you see 800 ads..." "You ruined all this for me." "Michael." "That's my name." "What's your real name?" "And you're so used to this, you don't even unders-- you don't-- you don't realize it, okay, but your body does." "Your heart rate increases, your pupils dilate." "Your breathing becomes faster and you become alert." "Because you've been tapped." "My name is Six." "Looking at a billboard is supposed to feel like love at first sight." "But it's not." "It's not real." "None of it's real." "It's marketing." "It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Six." "Without marketing, you wouldn't know who you are." "Maybe... sometimes you need to walk away from that." "Because you haven't been changed and you haven't been perfected." "You're just drinking the same old stuff." "Just"" "a lost soul who's still drinking... syrup."