" Cynthia..." " Oh my god, no." " No." " I told you!" " Hold on." " Will you please... not marry me, I choose Veronica." " What?" "!" " Yes!" " Called it." " Why would he choose Veronica?" "Because he loves her." "If it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered, and the entire show was stupid." "Okay, I've got an idea, Rick." "You show us your concept of good TV and we'll crap all over that." "I thought you'd never ask." "Cool, is that crystallized zantonite?" "It conducts electrons across dimensions." "20% accurate, as usual, Morty." "The important thing being I just upgraded our cable package with programming from every conceivable reality." "Wait, does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?" "How about Showtime Extreme in a world where men evolved from corn?" "We're not so different." "We're both corn of action." "Yeah." "But one of us is dead corn!" " Boring." " Summer, you just spent three months watching a man choose a fake wife." "So what?" "It would be better if the people were corn?" "Jerry, you don't get it." "This is infinite TV from infinite universes." "Look." "This shit is delicious." "A movie about a guy eating shit." "A violent antique show..." " It's a pleasure to have you." " The pleasure's all mine." "Letterman from a time line where Jerry is famous." " Wait." " What in the hell?" "I agree." "Where is this going?" "No, the other thing." "Go back!" "Really?" "Alright fine." "Glenn, this is a court order." "It says you can't eat shit anymore." "Alright, Jerry." "When you're right, you're right." "Now I'm hooked." "Original version by @pauloloppes English subtitles by Robelin" "Coming up next on "Shmloo's the Shmloss"," "Shmlony has a nightmare." "Shmlantha, Shmlona." "Amazing." "A dimension were all proper nouns begin with "Shml"." "Shmlove, Shmlandula, Shmlonathan." "Alright, that actually got old pretty quick." "Rick, will you please go back to me on David Letterman?" "Infinity is a big number, Jerry." "I don't remember the channel." "Go back!" "Go back!" "You speak the true true." "Oh my god!" "Dad's in Cloud Atlas!" "I'm in Cloud Atlas!" "What's Cloud Atlas?" "Sometimes, small true true different than the big true true." "How is this possible?" "Infinite time lines, infinite possibilities." "Including a time line where Jerry is a movie star." "Look you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device." "Look at this." "And now, another quick mystery." "I just want to know who could've done something like this." "It's a travesty!" "I did." "See this knife and all the blood on it?" "Here's my fingerprints." "Guilty!" "I sentence you to life in prison!" "Here's another quick mystery." " My mother's dead!" "And I killed her." "Here's the weapon." "Handcuff me, thank you very much." "Guilty!" "Sentence to murder." " Here's another..." " I'm the killer." "That one was really quick, wasn't it?" "Now who wants to watch random crazy TV shows from different dimensions and who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves?" " Narcissistically obsess." " I'm not obsessed about myself." "Here." "This scan your retinas" "And let you view parallel time lines through genetically matching versions of your eyes." "Go fetch!" " This is so cool!" " Ladies first!" "I'm proud of you, Morty." "Hey man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick." "Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo!" "I'm Ants in my Eyes Johnson." "Here in Ants in my Eyes Johnson's Electronics," "I mean there's so many ants in my eyes and there's so many TV's, microwaves, radios," "I think, I can't, I'm not 100% sure what we have here in stock because I can't see anything." "Our prices, I hope aren't too low!" "Check out this refrigerator!" "Only $200!" "What about this microwave?" "Only $100!" "That's fair!" "I'm Ants in my Eyes Johnson." "Everything's black, I can't see a thing," "Also I can't feel anything either." "Did I mention that?" "But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes, so, that always goes, you know, oh by the way" "I can't feel." "It's a very rare disease." "All my nerves they don't allow for the sensation of touch." "So I never know what's going on." "Am I standing?" "Sitting?" "I don't know." "Are we sure we want to do this?" "Look at our own alternate lives?" "You're right." "Maybe we should just play Yahtzee." "Give me those." "What do you see?" "Whiteness." "Pure whiteness." "You're my best friend, Jerry Smith." "I love doing cocaine with you." "I love doing cocaine with you too, Johnny Depp." "Haven't we spent enough time on you?" "I'm performing surgery..." "But not on a horse, on a human." "That's great, Beth." "You always wanted to be a real surgeon." "I am a real surgeon." " Summer's turn." " Finally!" "I don't see anything" "Well, you should select a different time line," "I mean if your father and I achieved our dreams there's a chance you weren't even born." "That came out wrong." "That came out very wrong." "Fine." "I'll find a world where you bothered to have me." "We're playing Yahtzee." "Yahtzee is fun." "We love Yahtzee." "It's a fun game for fun families." "Could I... get those goggles back for a second?" "It's a 45 horsepower, with anti-lock brakes, and it's the official car of Mr Sneezy 3D." "It's the brand new Sneezy Excel." "The horn when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise." "It's light, it's right, and it's sneezy... dizzy..." "DE luxe." "I'm Mr Sneezy." "Seems like TV from other dimensions have a somewhat looser feel to it." "Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone." "It's in theaters now!" "Coming this summer..." "Two brothers, in a van, and then a meteor hit, and they ran as fast as they could from giant cat monsters, and then a giant tornado came, and that's when things got knocked into twelfth gear." "A Mexican armada shows up with weapons made from tube tomatoes." "And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business." "In Alien Invasion Tomato" "Monster Mexican Armada Brothers" "Who Are Just Regular Brothers Running" "In a Van From an Asteroid" "And All Sorts of Things:" "The Movie." "Hold on, there's more." "Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie, and they're gonna come and cross attack these two brothers." "But let's get back to the brothers, because they're... they have a strong bond." "You don't want to know about it here, but I'll tell you one thing." "The moon, it comes crashing into Earth." "And what do you do then?" "It's two brothers and... and they're gonna..." "It's called" "Two brothers." "Two brothers." "It's just called Two Brothers?" "Holy crap, I am winning a Nobel Prize." "Come on!" "Time's up!" "I'm taming a lion." "No, wait..." "There are film cameras." "I might be a lion tamer in a movie." "You got the idea, I work with lions." "We're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders." "Seems like when I exist, life gets a little more," "I don't know, predictable?" "When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals." "Give me a break." "We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on Prom Night." "I get it." "Now that you know you could've had it better," "You resent me for holding you back." "Now that we know you think the tables are turning we know you thought they were unturned tables." "What are you talking about?" "All this time, you've been thinking" ""What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?"" "Now, you know." "You'd be a doctor." "You'd also be drinking wine alone in a house full of exotic birds and I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht banging Kristen Stewart." "You thought about getting an abortion?" "Everyone thinks about it." "Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it." "So, you're welcome." "Yeah, you're welcome." "Thank you guys so much." "It's a real treat to be raised by parents that force themselves to be together instead of being happy." "Do we have any wafer cookies?" "Oh boy, looks like you guys have been checking out alternative lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh?" "That's too bad." "Me and Morty are having a blast, we just discovered a show called Ball Fondlers." "I don't wanna rub it in or anything but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse." "BALL FONDLERS" " I'm in heaven right now." " It might be the best day of my life." "So now, what do we do?" "That show Ball Fondlers sounded kind of interesting." " Dad!" " What?" "!" "They're having fun in there!" "What do you guys want from me?" "Every family on this block has to wonder if they're together by choice." "Our family just has interdimensional goggles to show us for a fact that we're not." "Well, I'm leaving." "You can't leave, you're 17." "Yeah, and I'm not pregnant." "I'm gonna have better judgment that you guys had at my age." "I'm gonna... move to the South West and..." "I don't know, do something with turquoise." "It's Saturday Night Live!" "Starring... a piece of toast!" "Two guys with handlebar mustaches!" "A man painted silver who makes robot noises!" "Garmanarnar!" "Threes..." "I'll get back to that one." "A hole in the wall where the men can see it all!" "And returning for his 25th consecutive year," "Bobby Moynihan!" "Interesting fun fact:" "Moynihan and Piece of Toast hate each other." "Apparently, they've got some real creative differences." "Are you tired of real doors cluttering up your house when you open 'em and you actually go somewhere, and you go to another room?" "Get on down to Real Fake Doors!" "That's us!" "Fill a whole room up with 'em." "See, watch." "Check this out" "Won't open." "Won't open" "Not this one." "Not this one." "None of them open! so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake doors!" "Wait a minute, Rick." "I thought this was a commercial." " What's going on?" " Relax, Morty." "Don't worry about it, just see where this goes." "Step on, we all got places to be!" "Son of a bitch." "That must be where he lives." "Okay." "Making himself a sandwich now." "Hey everybody." "This is my house." "Just made a sandwich." "Peanut butter and jelly." "Still here, still selling fake doors" " What?" "!" " Oh my god, it's still the commercial!" "We have fake doors like you wouldn't believe." "What are you worried about?" "Come get fake doors!" "Call us up and order some fake doors today." "Don't even hesitate, Don't even worry." " And don't even..." " I'm bored." " Changing..." " Hold on!" "give it a second thought." "That's our slogan." "See it at the bottom of the screen, below our name." "Here's another slogan, right below that one." "What are you worried about?" "Come get fake doors!" "Get in here quick, get out quicker, with an arm of fake doors in your arms." "You can change it." "Don't even worry about it!" "I hate mumumununsdays." "And I really could go for some enchiladas." "Hey Rick, that's pretty cool." "It's just like Garfield, only instead it's Gazorpazorpfield." "Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where... where the sex robots came from, remember?" " That whole thing?" " Yeah..." "That's a pretty... a pretty..." "That's true." " That's right." " Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield." "Hey John, it's me, Gazorpazorpfield." "Boy, **** you, John, you **** dumb stupid idiot." "Come on, Gazorpazorpfield." "Go easy on me." "You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white... white... guilt." "White guilt, milquetoast, piece of human garbage." "Jeez, Gazorpazorpfield." "That's, you know..." "You're pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake." "I don't give a ****." "I'm Gazorpazorp-****-field, bitch." "Now give me my **** enchiladas!" "Rick, you know..." "Did they use Bill Murray for this?" "Sounds a lot like Bill Murray." "No Morty, it's Lorenzo Music." "In this reality, he's still alive." "Okay." "Was his name Lorenzo Music?" "Yeah, I'm pretty sure." "He also did the voice of that one guy from Ghostbusters, which is really strange, because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie, but when they made the movie," "Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp..." "Garfield, I mean." "That's pretty cool, Rick." "So all that happened in this reality too?" "I don't know." "I'm just making conversation with you, Morty." "What do you think?" "I know everything about everything?" "Did you really talk me out of the abortion?" "Well..." "We blew a tire on the way to the clinic." "I think, in my head," "I was doing it all for the kids." "And now the first kid is going... to do something with turquoise." "Which is either code for crystal meth or a gateway to it." "So we didn't do the kids any favors, so we should stay together for each other and ourselves, or..." "Or?" "Man, woman, and now trunk man?" "We know scientists created men that have a trunk that allows them to have sex with both male and female partners, but we don't like the idea of these people getting married!" "Put a line in the sand," " everybody!" " people?" "Vote no on proposition XW2." "The act that says gay... trunk people can get married." "Who needs it?" "Not on my watch!" "Paid for by Michael Denny and the Denny Singers." "Hi, I'm a trunk person." "And I want..." "I feel love in my heart too, just like you." "I want to be able to express that love with both a man and a woman." "And I won't be able to, if Denny and the Denny Singers get their way." "Let the trunk people have sex and get married." "Paid for by... trunk people." "I love me Strawberry Smiggles." "I hope nobody ever gets my hands on me and tries to steal my Strawberry Smiggles." "I'm gonna eat every last one of them because then, they'll be in my stomach, and nobody will ever be able to eat them." "Except for me, because they're gonna be all inside my stomach." "My name is Mr..." "Tophat Jones and God forbid anyone ever take my smiggles." "My little painted smiggles." "I'm keeping them all for me!" "Last bite." "Now they're all resting comfortably in my stomach." "Hoo, am I feeling good." "No!" "Get away from me!" "Get away from me and my Strawberry Smiggles!" "No!" "Jesus Christ!" "Jesus Christ!" "It hurts!" "My entrails are out!" "Why would you even want to eat these?" "!" "They're soaked with my stomach acid!" "Jesus Christ, lord savior!" "Holy Spirit!" "Save me!" "Take me to the light!" "Oh my god, I see demons!" "I see demons are coming!" "Jeez, Rick, oh my god." "It's a pretty hardcore stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial." "You know Morty, you want to sell boxes of cereal, you gotta pump the gas a little." "Pedal to the metal, Morty." "In a world where muscular Mannies are common and they're common strong, there's only three unmuscular Michaels." "Get down." "Hurry, run!" "And that's when real..." "Turbulent Juice is coming, and you gotta take care of it." "With Turbulent Juice, turbulent tables, no room is safe from the turbulent power of Turbulent Juice." "What in the hell?" "Sex sells, Morty." "Sex sells what?" "Was that a movie, or like, does it clean stuff?" "Hey Dad." "What's going on?" "Your mother and I are gonna be spending some time apart, Morty." "And your sister found out she was a non-wanted pregnancy." " What?" " Speaking of "what?", Morty," "What should we watch next?" "What about this?" "Baby Legs, you're a good detective, but not good enough, because of your baby legs." "So I'm partnering you up with Regular Legs." " Hey there." " Detective, this is upsetting to me, because I feel like I don't need no regular leg partner." "Baby Legs, don't talk back to me." "Good luck, you two." "There's a criminal to kill." "Wow!" "You sure found this guy quick." "Yeah, because I'm a good detective." "Look, Baby Legs, it's the criminal!" "****, I'm the killer." "I'm running, I'm running real quick." "Baby Legs, here we go!" "That's the sound I make when I'm trying to run fast." "All right, I'm not gonna get him on." "I just learned a really valuable lesson." "I'm coming, Baby Legs." "I'm Regular Legs." " We got him!" " That was good teamwork." "Baby Legs and Regular Legs," "I'm proud of you two for working together," "And Baby Legs, I know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner," " but I'm proud of you that you did it." " Thanks, chief." "Now get the **** out of here!" "Pretty cool, Morty?" "I thought it was cool." "I don't give a **** what you think, Jerry." "You doing okay?" "I kinda know how you feel, Summer." "No you don't." "You're the little brother." "You're not the cause of our parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it." " Can I show you something?" " Morty, no offense, but a drawing of me you made when you were 8 isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident." "That out there, that's my grave." "Wait, what?" "On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world." "So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one, because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed." "And in this one, we were dead." "So we came here, and we buried ourselves and we took their place" "And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse." "So you're not my brother?" "I'm better than your brother." "I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says don't run." "Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die." "Come watch TV." "Mrs Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats." "But sometimes plans need a helping paw." "What are the kitties to do?" "But buckle together and work as a team." "Mrs Sullivan, I..." "please forgive me for being forward, but your eyes are so beautiful." "Wait, this is an actual movie?" "This fall, sparks will fly." "Mrs Sullivan!" "Between one guy who can't get a break..." "There's something about you, Mrs Sullivan... and 9 cats who break all the rules." "Last will and testameow:" "Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House II." "Somebody in Hollywood just lost their job." "Written and directed by Jerry Smith." "I wrote and directed that?" "What am I?" "Nuts?" "Hey Morty, you just missed a preview for your dad's Citizen Kane." "Doesn't matter." "If your mother and I had to split custody, who would you guys choose?" "Doesn't matter." "Breaking news:" "Academy Award winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown." " Don't even think about it." " Come on, are you kidding me, Jerry?" "It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap." "It's my life, and we're watching it." "You did it, Beth." "You really nailed it." "You're a surgeon." "A human surgeon." "You win." "Where the hell am I going?" "What are you asking me for, Jerry?" "I'm sitting here trying to figure out why the cops don't just take you out." "They got a clear shot to your head." "I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this." "Jerry?" "Jerry Smith?" "Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school." "I hate acting, I hate cocaine," "I hate Kristen Stewart." "I wish you hadn't got that abortion" "And I've never stop thinking about what might've been" "Ball Fondlers?" "Huh?" "Ball Fondlers?" " I can go for some Ball Fondlers." " Yeah, Ball Fondlers." "Original version by @pauloloppes English subtitles by Robelin" "Hamster in butt world weather is done, and now it's sports time." " Hello there." " Good day to you miss." "So the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?" "Yes, sweety." "That's where they live." "How does that work?" "Do the butts look like little apartments inside?" "And can they leave the butt, and walk around on their own?" "I don't know, I'm watching the same thing you guys are!" "Grampa Rick, if they leave the butt, and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again?" "I don't know, Summer." "I can't even hear the TV!" "Alright!" "That's it!" "We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day." "Family vacation!"