"Another year, a brand new diary." "Once again I was summoned, kicking and screaming, to my mother's turkey curry buffet, where I've had some of the most shaming experiences of my life." "Hello, darling." "Lovely to see you." "It was, as usual, crammed full with some of the most dangerous perverts in the UK, disguised as close, personal friends of my parents." " Hello, Bridget." " Hello, Una." " Oh, no, thanks." " Love the jumper." " I prefer what's underneath it." " Uncle Geoffrey!" " Hello, gorgeous." " Hello." " Hello, darling." " Hello, Dad." "How's it going?" "I wish I was dead." "But this year, there was one crucial difference." " Nice jumper." " My mother's taste never falters." "Never." "You always wonder how it's going to work out at the end of the story." "Maria and Captain Von Trapp," "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," "Mark Darcy and Bridget Jones." "I've found my happy ending at last." "And nothing in the world can spoil it." "Well, almost nothing." "Bridget Jones, what the fuck are you doing?" " I, I can't see anywhere soft to land." " How about on your arse?" "Bridget, unless you want to get sacked at 6,000 feet, you will be on your way in exactly three seconds." "Three, two, one... cue Bridget." "Skydiving:" "A dangerous bane to the countryside and emergency services, or a safe and exhilarating hobby?" "Well..." "let's see, shall we?" "Go." "Jump." "For Christ's sakes, go!" " She's out." "Unit Two, you got her?" " We see her." "Bridget, open the chute." "Open it." "Open your fucking parachute!" "Pull the thingy or you will die!" "Oh." "Honestly, you forget just one teeny, weeny detail and everyone treats you like an idiot." "Where was I?" "Oh, yes..." "Mark Darcy." "The question is:" "What happens after you walk off into the sunset?" "Bridget?" "Earth to Bridget Sodding Jones." "Bridget, you're on." "You're live." "Well, this is Bridget Jones for Sit Up Britain, reporting to you from a big vat of excrement." "Give me a close-up of the porker." "Who cares about the odd professional hiccup?" "I've been in a functional relationship with an adult male for six wonderful weeks, four fabulous days and seven precious hours." "Or to put it another way, 71 ecstatic shags." "He's given up being snooty, and I've given up smoking." "Well, he thinks I have anyway, which is practically the same thing." "Mark Darcy is perfect." "Not a fuckwit, alcoholic, workaholic, pervert or megalomaniac, but total sex god and human rights lawyer." "He is a miracle, really." "Bridget, will you stop?" "Stop staring at me." "Go and find something to do." "Sorry." "So, as you can see, the incredible truth is the wilderness years are over." "Bridget Jones is a love pariah no more." "Morning, Bridget." "Late again." "Yes." "Sorry." "I was in bed with my boyfriend." "He's a human rights lawyer, you know." "Yes, we know." "I cannot believe how fantastic shagging was last night." "Maybe I'll ring him." "No, no..." "Obviously it's important to tell one's boyfriend how nice he looks naked, but I have crucial, Pulitzer Prize winning journalism to do." "Hello?" "It's me." "Just wondered how you are." "I'm fine, thanks." "Everything all right with you?" "Fine, though, er..." "I've just had a rather graphic shag flashback." "And you do have a genuinely gorgeous bottom." "Thank you." "I'm with the Mexican ambassador, the head of Amnesty International and the Undersecretary for Trade and Industry." "And you're on speakerphone." "Oh." "Right, well..." "I'm quite busy with important stuff too..." "Bridget, we're waiting for that tape about Tom, the happy hamster." " I'll call when I've finished." " Excellent." "And Richard wants to see you about that crap skydiving report." "Oh, fuck." "Oh, dear." "Is this the end of my career?" "No, it can't be." "I will fight this." "I am a journalist of the highest standards and integrity." "This is Bridget Jones reporting from a big vat of excrement." "Look, I never said I could skydive and I'm terrified of heights," " so it was really hard to concentrate." " Be quiet." "They loved it upstairs." "Loved it." "And they want us to come up with another regular spot for you." "Oh, my God." "That's..." " I won't let you down, Richard." " Precisely." "...my friends' motto was "When in Rome, do as many Romans as you can. "" "But if your tastes are marginally more highbrow, I also have tips." "Forget the Forum, definitely forget the Coliseum, no fun now they can't slaughter Christians." "Forget the Sistine Chapel, first example of a poof interior designer gone mad..." "What is Daniel Cleaver doing on the television?" "It's called The Smooth Guide." ""Making culture bearable"." "...equally serene and equally beautiful Professore Giovana Dabrache." "Who is about to show me her diptych." "Same old creep." "Oh." "Shame." "He always speaks very warmly of you." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "How about we go out for a bite to eat tonight?" "Oh." "Can't." "I have to go out with my boyfriend." " He's a human rights lawyer." " I know." "I'm meeting him for a romantic supper." "Oh." " Bridget Jones." " Bridget, it's Mark." "Oh." "I was just talking about you." "I'm running late." "Do you want me to cancel?" " Oh." "No, that's fine." " Are you sure?" "Be as late as you like." "Chuck him, while you're not pregnant with his unwanted child." "I only said he was working late." "In one hour, he'll be coming in his secretary's mouth while he rings to say what he wants for starters." "Friends spend years finding you a boyfriend, then instantly tell you to dump him." "Even if he isn't shagging her already, he's thinking about it." "A man dating a woman with large breasts will bed one with small breasts." "Rubbish." "Mark's above all that nonsense." "Jellyfisher alert." "Jellyfisher alert." "Janey Osborne." "Talking to her is like swimming in a sea and being stung repeatedly by an enormous jellyfish." "Bridget." "How's it going with that divine man of yours?" "You must be so pleased to have a boyfriend at last." "First jellyfish of the evening." "Is he taking you to the Law Council Dinner?" "Oh." "Well, I'm sure he's just forgotten." "Better start slimming into that dress." "He's given you the night off to cheer up your single friends." "Sweet." "Actually, he's got a big case on, trying to get everyone in Mexico out of prison." "We're meeting for a very late romantic dinner." "Really?" "That's so odd, 'cause I saw him an hour ago going into his house with Rebecca Gillies." "She's only 22." "She's got legs up to here." "And Daddy owns half of Australia." "See ya, babes." "Who is Rebecca Gillies?" "What's she doing going into my boyfriend's house?" "Where he never asks me." "And with legs up to here?" " My legs only come up to there." " You have fine legs." "Climber's legs." "I say go over there and ask him, straight out, are you or are you not sleeping with Rebecca Gillies?" " If he says..." " I won't dignify that with an answer..." "Then you know he's shagging her." "It's all about confidence and trust." "Mark would never betray me." "Everything will be lovely and we'll have sex in the kitchen." " Oh, God." " I'm coming." "Oh, God!" "What is that?" "Two seconds, I'll be straight down." "Who is that?" "Let's get on with it." "You are a very demanding man." "Bridget Jones." "No, I'm Bridget Jones." " That's what I meant." " You must be..." "Rebecca Gillies." "I've been so looking forward to meeting you" " after everything Mark's told me." " Why?" "What's he said?" " Where is Mark?" " Actually, er..." " Becky, who is it?" " Becky?" " Right." " Great." " Right..." " Bridget." "Hello, Mark." "Hello... lawyers who work with Mark." "Good evening." "Everything under control, I see." "Um..." "Excellent graph." " Lovely legs." " Thank you." "I am so sorry." "I thought..." "Oh, I don't know what I thought." "Now you're really angry with me." " No, I'm not." " It's OK, you can say if you are." " It's not the end of the world." " I'll get you a glass of wine." "The thing is I ran into Janey Osborne, who said she'd just seen you with this girl, with really long legs, and Shazzer and Jude said I should get over here straightaway." "Following the orders of the dating war command, you executed a raid." " You are angry." " I'm not, just disappointed." "Disappointed?" "Oh, God, that's worse than angry." "I'm just disappointed I can't take you home this instant." "Oh." "What about all those lawyers?" "Oh, plenty of time to butter them up at the Law Council Dinner next Friday." "Don't want to go, do you?" "I'd love to." "Oh, stupid Bridget, stupid friends." "Wonderful, loyal Mark Darcy who loves me just the way I am." " What are you doing?" " Getting dressed." "Why are you dancing around in that tent?" "Because I don't want you to see any of my wobbly bits." "That's pointless, because I have a very high regard for your wobbly bits in all circumstances." " Really?" " Absolutely." "I think it's high time we had another look." "He really is very, very, very nice." "I miss you too." "I've never been happier in my entire life." "However, must not obsess or fantasize." "Bridget Darcy." "Mrs. Darcy." "Mr. and Mrs. Darcy." "Lord and Lady Darcy." "Wonder what Mark Darcy would be like as a father." "To his children, I mean, not to me." "That would be a weird, Oedipus-like thought." "At last, life is on track." "Bridget Jones:" "Fiancée, wife... mother." "Bugger." "Ever fancied doing it in the dark with a total stranger?" "All right, perhaps not a total stranger." "Back off, Cleaver, or I'll report you to a sexual harassment tribunal." "I'm a serious journalist." "Is that your most serious skirt, Jones?" "Oh..." "Do you like it?" "I thought you hated television." "I hate watching television." "Being on it is..." "Hello there." "...entirely different." "Daniel, thought the Madrid piece was outstanding, really original." "Cheers, Jeremy." "Appreciate that." "We had to work really hard on that one." "Tosser." "Talking of which, how is Mark Darcy?" " You still...?" " Yes, I am." "And I intend to be for a very long time." "Good." "You know what a fan I am of any woman married to Mark Darcy." " That's not funny." " Seriously, though, Jones, speaking purely unselfishly, I worry about you." "You do know that it's a fact that most lawyer's wives die of boredom?" "And what about you?" "Still shagging anything that moves?" "As a matter of fact, no." "No shagging whatsoever." "I'm in shag therapy." "It turns out I have a problem." "I go to meetings, talk about my feelings." "Hug people who smell." " I don't believe you." " I'm trying to be a better man, Bridge, so that the next time a better woman comes along," "I won't make a pig's ear of it." "Daniel." "Meeting?" "Yeah, yeah." "Thanks." "Very good hair, Jones." "By the way, um, you're not free for dinner tonight, are you?" "No, I'm not." "I'm going to the Law Council Dinner." "It's a very important evening." "I can't wear that." "Bridge, do you want to get married and have babies before you become barren?" "Trust me..." "Magda:" "My only grown-up friend." "Married to Mark's partner." "She actually got engaged on the night of the Law Council Dinner." "Try it with the dress." "Oh, my God!" "Remember, we are trying to reduce your body size by 15 per cent." "You hold the front, I'll hold the back." "One, two, three..." "What's going on in there?" "Not too bad, actually." "Tra-la!" "Fantastic." "Right, let us begin." "I am going to make you into a princess." "Goody." "Nothing like being in the hands of a total genius." "Wow." " Whatever you do..." " Bugger it." "...don't iron your hair." "It's a lot worse than I thought." "We could flatten it with Brylcreem." "What about a wig?" "Lawyers love wigs." " I preferred you in the gold." " No, whatever you do, not the gold." "Great." "I'm late with mad hair and can barely breathe in scary knickers." "Oh, God." "I'm very worried." "What if someone says "Bridget Jones, get out of here, you are ridiculous"?" "Stop it." "The most important thing, of course, is to look absolutely wonderful and make a magnificent entrance." "Hi." "Sorry I'm late." " Hello." " I think you should go to the ladies." "But I went before I left home." "Trust me on this one." "Oh." "Not good." "All right, tiny make-up mistake, but I always have wit and conversation to fall back on." "Thank you." " Bridget." " Hello." "Derek, Horatio, Camilla." " Horatio?" " Yes, Horatio." "Horatio was just saying he's totally against charitable giving." " What?" " Well, obviously you don't mean it." "Absolutely." "Do you think it's helpful to give a beggar fifty pence?" " Maybe he's just hungry." " Don't be so naive." "The people you see outside the tube every day are there by choice." " End of story." " Oh, no, it's not." "Some people have terrible personal problems, and other people might have lost their family in some tragic ferry disaster." "And some people are just plain hopeless." "Honestly, this is the sort of rubbish you'd expect from fat, balding" "Tory, Home Counties, upper-middle-class twits." "Yeah, very good." "Tested my resolve." "How did I do?" "You seem to have made quite an impression." "I've put you next to Giles Benwick." " Oh, I'm not sitting next to you?" " No." "He's terribly nice, but his wife's just run off with one of the partners." "He probably won't mention it, but you should know." "I always knew she was out of my league." "You see, there's the high-fliers, like Annabel and Mark Darcy and there's the gorgeous girls, like Rebecca there and there's the rest of us." "Like you and me, you mean?" "Absolutely." "I mean, look at the state of us." "You and me stumbled into the VIP room by mistake and it's only a matter of moments before they show us the door." "My lords, ladies and gentlemen, let the quiz begin." "Oh, goody." "I love quizzes." "All those years of playing Trivial Pursuits are about to pay off." "Now I want to see your hands poised over those bells." "Ready?" "Here we go." "What are something called "customary freeholds"?" "Superior copyhold." "Yes." "What is the correct grace used in the Inner Temple for the second mooting night of Michaelmas term?" "Amas bibendo... fructis." "Jolly good." "What is an overreaching conveyance?" "What is rack-rent?" "When was breach of promise abolished?" "Define "damnum sentit dominus"." "Translate "reddendo singula singulis" into Ancient Greek." "I believe this is the answer." "Hippodamoi credemnon louestai." "Absolutely correct." "Now, for our final and deciding round, the category is contemporary culture." "Who did the design for Princess Diana's wedding dress?" "The Emmanuels." " Correct." " Excellent, Bridget." "Name the character in Footballers' Wives who, in one memorable episode, set fire to her own breasts." "Chardonnay." "Correct." "At this point, there are only two tables in contention and only one question left." "What was the name of Madonna's first UK single?" "Lucky Star." " Sorry, I didn't quite hear." " Are you sure?" " Wasn't it Holiday?" " No, everyone thinks it is, but it's not." "My entire life has been leading up to this very moment." "Take that knife, slice off my head and boil it if I'm wrong." "The correct answer is Lucky Star." "No." " The correct answer is..." " Is it Holiday?" "Holiday, indeed, yes." "The winners of the 42nd Annual Law Council Quiz are... the Legal Eagles." " Lovely to see you, Bridget." " Oh, thanks, Rebecca." "Good night." "Why didn't you speak to me all night?" "That's the point of those dinners." "But you talked to Rebecca." "And you talked to Horatio." "I'll never fit in with your friends." "Not if you go on calling everyone "balding, upper-middle-class twits"." "Well, they were balding, upper-middle-class twits." "Except for the ones who had hair." "I suppose you agree with them that poor people deserve to be poor?" "Don't be ridiculous." " So now I'm ridiculous?" " Yes, tonight you were a little." "Well, tonight you were an arrogant arse." "I think I may have made a mistake inviting you and your folding underpants into my life." "Good night." "If you had asked me tonight," "I'd have said no, anyway." "Asked you what?" "Bridget?" "Asked you what?" "Oh, God, I've done it." "I've gone and done it." "One minute, you're closer to someone than anyone in the whole world, next minute, you're never going to see them again." "If you have a message for Mark Darcy, please speak after the tone." "Hello, it's me." "I'm really, really sorry..." "Sorry, it's the door." "Don't go away, I have something really, really important to say." " Yes, who is it?" " It's me." " Mark." " Oh, right." "Er, just a moment." "I'm on the phone." "You're outside." "Look, er..." "I'll ring you later." "Unless you've come to chuck me once and for all." "In which case, bye and thank you, and... sorry." "Oh, God, please don't chuck me." "If you have chucked me, please change your mind," "I'll behave much better in future." "On the other hand, if you haven't, please behave better next time we go out." "Stuck-up snob." "What do you want?" "I'd like to come up." "You are, after all, my girlfriend." "Even though I shouted at you and called you an arrogant arse?" "Unfortunately, yes." "You see, the problematic thing is..." "I love you." "W- what?" " I said I love you." " I'm sorry, I missed that again." "I said I love you, for God's sake!" "All right, no need to shout." "I'll come down and let you in." "You might be needing this in the future." "He said he loves me." " He said he loves you?" " He said he loves me." " Right, where is he now?" " He's in the bedroom." "Go back in there, Bridge, and whatever you do, act completely nonchalant." "Bridget, you're staring at me again." "Sorry." "Listen, I know this evening didn't go exactly as planned, but there was a very important question I wanted to ask you tonight." " Oh, really?" " Yes." "I've actually been meaning to ask this for quite some time." "I've just never really found the right way to put it." "Darling Bridget would you like to go on a skiing mini-break?" "Yes!" "This is not just a mini-break." "This is a holiday in heaven." "Told a tiny lie about being an extremely experienced skier." "But, honestly, how hard can it be?" " Ah." " Shall we?" "I know I'm going to like skiing a lot." "Very romantic, very relaxing." " Bar going up." " No." "What?" "Why?" "Um..." "Er..." "Oh." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh." "Ah." "Bridget." "Rebecca." "What are you doing here?" " Didn't Mark tell you we were coming?" " No, he didn't." "It was me who recommended the place." " I've been coming since I was 11." " Really?" "Three whole years." "Come on, up you get." "Come on." " There you go." " Are you all right?" "Yes, fine, thanks." " You sure?" " Why is Rebecca here?" "Oh, God." "Well, I mentioned that we were coming and she said why didn't they come too, and I couldn't say no, could I?" "Come on, you two, let's crack on, shall we?" "Actually, I might just sit this one out." "You head on." " See you down there." " You sure?" "Absolutely." "I'll be fine in a minute." "Right, I'll see you at base camp, then." "Bastard." "I can't believe he's left me." "Ooh." "Oooh." "So, romantic getaway has turned into lawyer's reunion." "Oooh." "I can't believe we're already into group holidays after only eight weeks of total, undisturbed sex." "Wait a minute..." "No." "Eight weeks?" "It couldn't be, could it?" "Totally undisturbed..." "Oh, God." "I'm pregnant." "And I'm going to die!" "Oh, my God!" "I can't see!" "Big bump!" "Get out of the way!" "Who's this?" "An eccentric but exhilarating performance from a total unknown, who's now solidly in position for the bronze." "I would like a pregnancy test, please." "A pregnancy test." "Ich bin, er, possibly... mit baby." "Er..." "Kinder!" "I am on back... and he, er... machen zie lieben." "Er, with me." "She's pregnant!" "Oh, no!" "No, no, not pregnant." "She's bloated." " Condom?" " Nein." "Nein, nein." "Maybe like this, but maybe like this." "I think her problem is psychological." "There is nothing a pill can do to help her." "I'm a girl and I met a boy." "Fraulein, and I met frau... boy." "And possibly now mit baby, uh-huh?" "Right, moment of truth awaits." "What if I am pregnant?" "I must try not to get hopes up too high." "Boyfriend and baby seems just too lucky." "Bridget?" "I have been looking everywhere for you." "I thought you'd broken a leg or something..." "Oh, God." " You're not...?" " I might be." " What if I were?" " Well, I suppose I'd..." "To be quite frank, it'd be bloody fantastic." "I mean, if a little ahead of schedule." " Are you really pregnant?" " Well, give it three minutes." " What do you fancy?" "Boy or a girl?" " I dunno, it doesn't matter." "Although, I suppose I've always had the fantasy of a son." " Another Mark Darcy." " Or maybe something like Huck." "Or River." "Or some fabulous Hebrew name like Noah." "Anyway, I could teach him to play cricket and rugby and visit him at Eton on St Andrew's Day." "Eton?" "Yes." "The Darcy men have been going to Eton for five generations." "Well, my son's not going to be sent away from home." "Especially to some fascist institution where they stick a poker up your arse that you're never allowed to remove again." "I see." " I didn't mean you." " No, of course not." "So what's the alternative?" "Sleeping in his parents' bed, breastfeeding until he's a teenager and some progressive school, where the day is spent singing Yellow Submarine?" "Oh, you're absolutely right." "It's madness to allow a child to enjoy his education or live with his parents." "What is madness is to have a child if his parents can't have a discussion without one shouting at the other." "It's negative." " That's too bad." " Yes, very sad." "Perhaps we should go out for lunch tomorrow." "Get out of the grump." "That's a good idea in theory, but you made a family arrangement." "Oh, God." "Darlings!" "I've had the fabulous idea of inviting your parents." "Another one of Mother's culinary triumphs." " Everything in miniature." " Mini treacle tart, Admiral Darcy?" "No, no, thank you." "The mini spotted dick rather finished me off." "So, Mark, Bridget, when are you two lovebirds going to name the day?" "Bridget, you must want to hear those ding-dong bells." "Well, we're certainly not thinking about that yet." "Are we, Bridget?" "No." "God, no." "Of course not." "Good." "Well, that's that sorted." "So, Admiral, out on the high seas." "How was it?" " Did you mean that thing you said?" " What thing?" " You know what thing." " No, I don't know what thing." "The thing thing." "Now, let's see, there are any number of things, um... in an afternoon full of all sorts of things, so I, um..." "The thing where you said you're not, um..." "That you're not, not even thinking about, um..." "What's the matter?" "Let's get a drink." "I'm going to go to the loo, then I'm going to come back." "And then we're going to be civilized." "If you have a message for Mark Darcy, speak after the tone." "Mark, it's Rebecca." "Are you there?" "Obviously not." "Probably still out with Bridget." "Um..." "Anyway, I hope lunch with the parents went well." "I'm sure you were dutiful and very polite, as usual." "Er..." "Whatever." "Anyway, look, maybe give me a ring when you get back." "I thought I might pop round for a nightcap." "But I suppose that's a silly idea." "Bridget's probably there." "Sleep tight." "Oh, Christ, what now?" "Are you or are you not having an affair with Rebecca Gillies?" "I won't dignify that question with an answer." "Right." "All I did was go to the loo." "Bridget!" "Bridget." "That's not your coat." "Oh, right." "Oh, Bridget, what are you doing?" "I read you should never date someone if you can think of three reasons not to." " Can you think of three?" " Yes." " Which are?" " Well, first off, I embarrass you." "I can't ski, I can't ride, I can't speak Latin." "My legs only come up to here and yes, I will always be a little bit fat." "And you, you fold your underpants before you go to bed." " Now, hang on, that can't be a reason." " No, it's not a reason." "But you're not perfect either." "You look down your nose at absolutely everyone, and you're incapable of doing anything spontaneous or potentially affectionate." "It feels like you're waiting to find someone in the VIP room who's, who's so fantastic... just the way she is, that you don't need to fix her." "Bridget, this is mad." "Perhaps you've already found her." "Do you want to marry me?" "Look, I..." "You see, you can never muster the strength... to fight for me." "I can't believe I did that." "Five weeks later." "Weight: 4,000 pounds." "Am enjoying a relationship with two men simultaneously." "The first is called Ben, the other, Jerry." "Number of current boyfriends:" "Zero." "Number of calls from ex-boyfriend:" "You have absolutely no messages." "Not a single one." "Not even from your mother." " Hello?" " Hello, darling." " You haven't forgotten our lunch date?" " Of course I have." " I'm suicidally depressed." " Don't be silly, Bridget." "Meet me at Debenhams at twelve o'clock." "Mum..." "I thought we were going to have something to eat." "Patience, please." "I've got a big surprise for you, darling." " What?" " Don't say "what", say "pardon"." "Tra-la!" " What do you think?" " Oh, my God." "Daddy and I are getting married." " You're already married." " We're doing it again." "Reaffirming our vows." "You are going to be a bridesmaid, and absolutely everything is going to be lavender." "And when I say everything, I mean everything." "Oh, God, I'm never going to get married and my sodding mum and dad are doing it twice." "Bloody know-it-all." "New York:" "The Big, Juicy Apple." "The city that never sleeps with the same person two nights running." "My favourite place in America, where Sex And The City isn't just a program, it's a promise." "Morning, Rach." "Sorry." "Oh, cheer up, misery guts." "I have good news for you." "Sure, right." "What's the angle?" "I interview some rocket scientist while he looks through my skirt with X-ray glasses?" "No." "Although that is a bloody good idea." "No." "The fact is The Smooth Guide is doing very well with women, but the network want us to cast a wider net and use a Smooth Guide-ess." "Me?" "With Daniel Cleaver?" "It's the next logical step." "I think Thailand is first on the list." "No." "I won't do it." "Not now." "Not in a million years from now." " Excuse me?" " I am a top television journalist, not some boorish bint in a bikini." "Really?" "Strong words from somebody who doesn't know where Germany is." "Who told you that?" "Cleaver." "He said he couldn't be expected to go out with someone who thought Iran was David Bowie's wife, and who didn't know where Germany was." "Daniel Cleaver is a deceitful, sexist, disgusting specimen of humanity, that I wouldn't share a lift with, let alone a job." "Come on, Jones, there must have been something you liked about me." "Come on, Jones, there must have been something you liked about me." "Well... you have a nice car." "And quite nice manners." "Outside the bedroom." "But that's about it." "And by the way, I know exactly where Germany is." "The question is do you know the location of your arsehole?" "As a matter of fact, I do know the exact location of my arsehole." "And hers." "Oh, come on, Jones, it was just a silly joke." "Not a very funny one." " Go on, then." " What?" "Where is it?" "Where is Germany?" " Next to France." " And?" "And also Belgium..." "Poland." "And it has a sea coast." "Which sea?" "Oh, sod it." "Now, look," "I think we should talk about Finch's suggestion." "I am going to Thailand, Jones." "Wouldn't you like to be my little Girl Guide?" "Thailand?" " You'll shag before you leave Heathrow." " I'll be perfectly fine." "I'm eschewing all men." "And cigarettes." "And carbohydrates." " We can't possibly let you go." " On your own." "Oh, stop it, all of you." "I am a mature, sophisticated, professional woman and I'm going to Thailand entirely on my own, thank you very much." " Fuck!" " Sorry." " Fuckity fuck." " Sorry." "And now our final passengers have joined us, we can get underway." "Someone's gotta be last." "Are we not sitting together?" "Oh, fuck." "I don't think we're really in a position to, um make a fuss." "Sorry." "Hi." "Sorry." "What's our film?" "What's your name?" "Mine's Clive." "Er, Bridget." "Good afternoon again, ladies and gentlemen." "We're about to offer a wide range of duty-free items." "Details can be found in your in-flight magazine." "Wonderful people, the Thais." "Particularly the young ladies." "If you know what I mean, eh?" " Oh, for heaven's sake." " Come with me." "Come with me now." " Where are we going?" " Just through here." "Thank you." "This is worse than school." "It really wasn't my fault." "It's a fizzy drink, you know, it just..." "It just sort of fizzled over." "Couldn't bear to think of you back there in slum class, Jones." "Graham, thank you." "You are the best air steward I've ever come across." "And if I may say so, the smartest." "Thank you, sir." "I thought you were there already, doing research." "Fuck, no." "I make it up as I go along." "It's 13 hours for this trip." "I need some in-flight entertainment." "Why don't you tell me, in detail, about your school netball tour, particularly the unsavoury incident in the communal showers." "I didn't play netball." "Or go to a girls' school." " Or have showers." " Now that's just not true, is it?" " Let me start you off." " No." "If you're gonna be dull, I'm going to plunge back into Mrs. Dalloway, and you know how she loves that." "Dirty, dirty bitch." "Arrived Bangkok." "Very hot." "Relieved at last to throw myself into serious journalistic work." "Thailand has long called travellers from around the globe to take spiritual succour and karmic rest." "For centuries, Western visitors have been inevitably drawn to some of Bangkok's oldest sanctuaries." "So true, Bridget." "Even I, fight it as I may, am no exception." "The moment I arrive here, I almost feel an irresistible pull to this." "The Temple of Tranquillity." "Indeed, nothing symbolizes Thailand's extraordinary fusion of East and West, of tradition and innovation, better than this." "Fully body-to-body massage." " Sawatdee kha?" " Sawatdee khrab?" "An incredible thing about Thailand is the amazing traditional cuisine." "I'm going to taste kapaluk, the ultimate delicacy." "Oh, fuck!" "Oh, fuck!" "Oh, my God." "My God." "Um..." "Er..." "Mmm." "How about a lovely locust?" "I can't." "No, no, I can't." "They're delicious." "Oh!" "Now that is Ko Panyi, which is the setting for a very famous Thai poem, which I think you'd like very much, Jones." "It's all about a badly-behaved prince who finds true love with a beautiful, and as it happens, very slightly overweight princess." " You're teasing me." " I never tease about poetry." ""Oh, Suvarnamali Why can you not see that I adore you?"" ""Why do you avoid and scorn me?"" ""If you cast me off and leave me" "How should I live another day?"" "And you thought all I knew of Thailand was pussies and ping-pong balls." " You wouldn't sleep with him?" " No, of course not." "Absolutely not." "But he is clever." " Yes?" " And handsome." "He's also a dysfunctional, fucked-up, middle-aged, lost boy." "Well, no-one's perfect." "I didn't realize you were busy." " He's young enough to be your grandson." " I know." "Isn't that great?" "Come on, guys, I've got a very special treat lined up for lunch." "I'm getting rather fond of Jed, and I must say he has a genuine interest in Thai cuisine." "I wouldn't have thought omelette would be a big in Thailand." " Or mushrooms, for that matter." " It's magic." "It is a magic mushroom omelette, isn't it?" "Well, that's awful." "There is nothing funny in this at all." "Although, thank God, the mushrooms don't actually seem to be working." "Such lovely colours!" "Beautiful Bridget!" "Beautiful Bridget!" "Beautiful Bridget!" "Bridget Jones!" "Bridget Jones!" "But, wait..." " Bridget Jones?" " What sound is that?" "It is Daniel Cleaver." "How unutterably beautiful he is." "Jones, what the hell are you doing?" "You are lovely colours." "Here." "Here I am." "I think you're completely off your face." "Hey." "Bloody hell." "Oh..." "Oh, I'm an angel." "Oh." "How lovely." "Glorious sand." "Oh." "I want to be naked." " Naked as a baby." " Come on, then, angel." "Up you get." " All right?" " Mmm." " How are you feeling?" " Completely embarrassed." "Don't be." "You're charming on drugs." "In future, just say yes." "Do you know, I never really understood why you wanted to go out with me." " It seemed so unlikely." " Come on." "For God's sake." "You're sexy." "You make me laugh." "At you, of course, not with you." "And you were incidentally the best shag I ever had." "The best?" "Aside from Simon Reade in the fifth-form locker room, yeah." "Suppose I said you were pretty good too?" "Pretty good?" "Was I better than Mark Darcy?" "By the way, is it true he always says "I'm sorry, but I think I need to come"?" " Who told you that?" " It's common knowledge, isn't it?" "Come on, Jones." "Who gave who the hoof?" "And why?" "Let's just say that we suffered from a fatal incompatibility." "I have missed you, Jones." "I don't suppose there's any circumstances in which you would ever consider thinking about trusting me again?" "Absolutely not." "Well, I suppose I'll be getting back to my little hut now." "Thank you very much, Daniel." "I had a nice time." "Is that the Big Dipper or the little one?" "I can never tell them apart." "Definitely the big one." "You can't see the little one this close to the equator." "Oh, please." "You don't know about astronomy." "I most certainly do." "I'm passionate about it." "You know, Jones, if stargazing is something that interests you, then it has to be said that the view from my balcony is quite outstanding." "Perhaps you'd like to come up and have a little look?" "I don't think so." "See over there?" "Along my arm." "That's it, over there." "That is Orion's Belt." "And next to that is a very sexy little constellation called Ursa's Maiden." "Ah." "She's being very naughty and trying to undo Orion's belt." "All right, what about..." "that one?" "Yes, well that is a very, very famous star." "Um, right next to, of course, um..." "I don't know, some other fucking star that's been there for years and years." "Seen one star, you've seen the lot, that's what I say, Jones." "Different with girls, though." "Some girls are special." "Are they?" "I think so." "What is this special power you hold over me, Jones?" "And what about your therapy?" "I think you might be it." "God, I hope you're wearing those giant panties." "Please." "Please be wearing the giant panties." "Please." "Oh, my old friends." "Oh, Daddy's home." "Did you miss me?" "Because Daddy missed you." "Yes, he did." "Wait." "Sorry." "Can I just have a minute?" "Just a minute." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, God." " Everything all right?" " Yeah, sure." "Just a bit... nervous." "I mean, you see, if I stay with you tonight, well, it's definitely the end of something... important with someone." "Um, which has probably ended already," " but perhaps..." " Bridge, Bridge Bridge, Bridge." "Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?" "Hmm?" "Except Hitler." "Well, he was very, very, very naughty." "What?" "Nothing." "Er, come back later, please." "Thank you very much." "Bridge, it's nothing." "Leave it." "Leave it." "You made order for 10.30." "Order for what?" "Me." "10.30." "You know, I've had it up to here with this hotel." " It's been cock-ups like this all week." " You Mr. Cleaver?" "Yesterday, you with Maria." "She say you big tipper." "I mean, I'm up for it if you are." "Actually, no, that was stupid." "It's just one little slip." "Don't let it ruin what was gonna be a fantastic weekend shagathon." " I don't want a shagathon." " No, nor do I. Nor do I." " You're right." " You're looking for a weekend of sex," " I'm looking..." " For more." "I feel I can change." " I absolutely can change." " I need to change." "I can't believe I fell for it again." "Daniel, I really do think that you should go and fuck yourself." "Or her." "But definitely not me." "I can't believe he made up the sex therapy thing." "Doesn't matter." "I finally learnt my lesson, and it's an excellent lesson to have nailed." " Fuck!" " What?" "No fucking room in the fucking suitcase." "There's room in mine." "Give me something." "Great." " What the hell is this?" " It is a fertility-snake bowl." " Ooh." " Jed gave it to me." "How romantic." "The way I look at it, in everyone's life, there's a certain amount of shit." " That's true." " In the last year, things have turned out pretty shitty." "So logically, mathematically, even, it's got to be time for something not shit." " Like what?" " Maybe Mark will have chucked Rebecca." "And he'll run to my door, fall to his knees, possibly wearing a wet white shirt, and beg me to come back." "Yes, I very confidently expect very, very good times ahead." "Final call for all passengers to London..." "Isn't he cute?" "Hello." "Hello." "Oh..." "Seems to be getting a bit excited." "Oh." "Er..." " Bridget!" " It's just a misunderstanding." "Hold the plane." "Hold the plane." "Excuse me!" "Excuse me!" "All remaining passengers please report to Gate 27 immediately." "It's not mine." " These yours?" " Yes." "I mean, they're not my favourite pair." "You can't do this." "I'm English." "And an award-winning journalist." "Well, maybe not award-winning, but I have been to lots of award ceremonies." "Hello." "Bridget Jones." "Lovely to meet all of you." "Oh, my bloody God and fuck." "I hope they've told the British ambassador." "Surely Shazzer would have raised the alert." "Maybe they got Shazzer as well." "Oh, God, 28 hours." "How much longer?" "Jones." "Bridget Jones, you come now." "Charlie Parker-Knowles, Assistant Consul." "Thank God you're here." "Um, shall we..." "I really had absolutely nothing to do with it." "Jed planned the whole thing." "That's why he snogged Shazzer, who's much older than him and slightly past her peak." "Yes, he sounds the most frightful shit." "Mmm." "The bore is everyone who gets caught has exactly the same story, so unless we find this, this Jed fellow and get a full confession, you're on a bit of a sticky wicket." "Well, how sticky?" "Something like 15 to 20 years." " 15 years?" " Or maybe ten if we're lucky." "Ten years!" "In here?" "Very black." "All my life I've had the feeling something terrible was about to happen." "Now it has." "Bijjit, right?" "Bridget, actually." "My name Phrao." "You're my friend?" " Steady on!" " Super bra!" "You lend me." "One day, two cigarette." "Oh." "Well, I'll think about it." "Actually, I was thinking of giving up, but that was before I was arrested and thrown into a Thai prison for ten to 15 years." "Circumstances change." "No, it really, really is "touched"." ""Like a vir-gin, touched for the very first time"." " No, you wrong." " No." "# Like a wersion #" " Vir-gin." " # Fucked for the very first time #" " Touched." " # Like a wersion #" "Ten years of this?" "I" "Stop!" "Enough." "Enough." "If you're going to do it, you really ought to do it properly." "After all, Madonna is nothing if not a perfectionist." "Five, six, seven, eight and one..." "# Like a virgin #" "# Touched for the very first time #" "# Like a virgin #" "# When your heart beats #" "# Next to mine... #" "Dear Mum and Dad," "I'm missing you a lot." "Please write as soon as you can." "I'm feeling pretty low." "Bijjit Jone." "In there." "You have five minutes." "Just five." "Mark?" "You all right?" "Oh..." "Fine." "Hmm." "And... scared shitless." "But, you know, perky." "I can't believe you've come all this way." "I haven't." "I was out here handling a Foreign Office case when I heard about your situation." "I haven't done anything wrong." "I promise you, it's all a big mistake." "Yes, well, I'm sure it is." "I've got all the papers here and I'm sure we can sort it out." "I think about you all the time." "And I'm so sorry," "I really, really am, for everything that happened between us." "Yes, well..." "We don't have much time and I need you to identify someone for me." "Is this the man with whom you were seen taking hallucinogenic mushrooms before you spent the night with Daniel Cleaver?" "Yes, that's him, but I think you should know..." "The same man who gave you the snake containing the drugs?" "Yes, that's him, that's Jed." "But it was Shazzer's snake, not mine, and as far as Daniel Cleaver goes..." "Your sex life doesn't concern me at all." "Has there been any ill treatment here?" "No, no." "Well, I mean the toilet facilities are well below par, but..." "Good, that makes things simpler." "Listen, they're prepared to drop all charges against you which is extremely lenient, given the circumstances." "You're going to be out within a week." "And..." "Goodbye." "Mark?" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "I'm just the messenger." "The order came from above." "Well, good luck." "Glad I could be of help." "So, Bijjit, what happen?" "Well, um..." "Bijjit!" "How this can happen?" "This is terrible!" "You are innocent!" " They're always cheating us." " No, no, no." "That's all fine." "They've dropped the charges and they're letting me go." "But that good news." "What is wrong?" "Mark Darcy definitely doesn't love me anymore." "Ohhh." "You see the trouble is it was me who chucked him." "He treat you bad?" "Yeah, actually, he did." "My boyfriend treat me bad too." " Me too." " Mine as well." "Me too." "Then you know all about it." "You think you've found the right man, but then there's so much wrong with him and he finds there's so much wrong with you and it all just falls apart." "Don't tell me." "My boyfriend, he seem really nice." "Then he start to hit me." "Make me work on street." "My boyfriend, he say he love me." "But he do no work, and make me work 24 hour a day." "Then he make me take heroin drug." "What about you, Bijjit?" "What your bad boyfriend do?" "Well, er he really didn't stick up for me at this lawyers' supper... and, um, then he would fold his..." "Oh, same sort of thing, really." "Hitting me and making me take drugs." "Stealing all my money and stuff." "Oh, God." "I've been the world's biggest fool." "Bijjit?" "Just a few tiny leaving presents." "No luxuries." "If you want something smooth on your wall, you could do worse than John Currin." "He is about the only contemporary painter who can paint." "There's usually something interesting and allegorical, plus of course, there is a very high perv quotient." " Did you see her?" " Cut." "Cut it." "Sorry, everyone, sorry." "It's my stalker." "Fuck off, Darcy, some people have jobs to do." "Did you see her surrounded by police, dogs, handcuffs?" "Come on, she's a big girl, she can take care of herself." "I'm only going to ask you one more time." "Did you see her?" "You're only gonna ask me one more time?" " You haven't got your wig on now, dear." " I'll take that as a yes." "Yes, I did see her." "I thought she was smuggling seashells, or mangoes." "Right." "Right, good." "Will you step outside, please?" "Oh, no, it's not possible." "Darcy, do you have any idea what century we actually live in?" "Are you gonna step outside or am I gonna have to drag you?" "I think you're gonna have to drag me." " You're insane!" " And you're a disgrace, Cleaver." "You're pulling my hair!" "I'm not going in the sodding water." " Fuck off!" " No, you're going in, Cleaver!" "If I'm going in, you're coming with me." "You smug bastard." " Oh, my God." " Get up." "Well, what are you gonna do now?" "Drown me in 16 inches of water?" "Yes, good idea." "Fuck!" "Stop, stop." "Listen, listen, listen..." "OK, I left her at the airport." "I shouldn't have done that." "But she bumped into Jed herself and I didn't fucking well seduce her, all right?" " You didn't?" " There's something wrong with her." "She's gone all frigid." "I spent the night with a gorgeous Thai girl." "Who in fact turned out to be a gorgeous Thai boy." "Satisfied?" "Yes." "Thank you." "You know what, mate?" "If you're so obsessed with Bridget Jones, why don't you just marry her?" "'Cause then she'd definitely shag me." " Bridget!" " Bridget!" "Over here!" " What was it like?" " How did you survive?" "Any girl who's been single in London knows how to handle herself." " Darling!" " Will you be going back?" "Sorry I didn't write." "I've just been so busy." "Hello, darling." "You look lovely." " Skinny, but lovely." " Oh, thank you." "Oh, it's good to be home." " Ciggy?" " No, no, thanks." " I've given up again." " Shame." "I find them very useful." "I take great comfort in the fact they might kill me before things get worse." "The Darcys rang to say how pleased they were you were out." "I rather thought Mark might be here to meet you." "Yes, but you must remember we split up." "So no hope there?" "No hope there." "Believe me, next time I will not fuck it up, Mum." " Language, darling." " Sorry." "Next time, I will not fuck it up Mother." "Surprise!" " Hello." " Hello." " Oh, darling." " Hiya." "Bridget..." "I'm so sorry." "It's all right." "Well, thank God for Mark Darcy." "I mean, he might be a boring arse, but he performed a miracle." "That's a bit of an overstatement." "He actually seems to be the villain of this piece." "He's a top human rights lawyer and he left it to someone else to get me out." "He was just a messenger." " Who told you that?" " He did." "Straight from the horse's mouth." "The horse wasn't quite telling you the truth." "I called Mark the minute I landed in London." "We went to his office and within half an hour, he'd woken two Cabinet ministers and half of MI5." "But none of them could locate Jed, so Mark flew over to Interpol." "Which is in Lyon." "They located Jed in Dubai, but they don't normally extradite people, so Mark rang the Home Secretary who rang our ambassador..." "In Riyadh." "Then Mark flew to Dubai where he identified Jed, who was impounded and pushed out into..." "Saudi Arabia, where Mark was waiting with the police." "Jed was arrested and extradited back to Britain." "Then Mark flew to Bangkok, to make damn sure they'd let you go." "Oh." "He was just angry about Daniel Cleaver." " He must still love me." " He fucking must." "Taxi?" "Yes, please." "Get in the cab!" "Hurry!" "Oh." "I forgot about you." "Er, I, I, I just wanted to, um... say something to Mark." "He's at the office." "Do you want to come in?" "Oh, no." "No, no, I don't think I will." "I really hope that you'll be happy together." " Sorry?" " You and Mark." "I really hope that you'll be very happy together." "No, no, no, Bridget, listen... you've got it completely wrong." "I'm not in love with him." "How could I be when I'm... seriously heartbroken and smitten with someone else?" "Someone else?" " You, Bridget." " Me?" "Ever since I saw you here with your hair messed that night and bits of garden stuck to you." "You must have noticed." "I try to hide it, but every time I see you, I light up." "I thought you were just, you know lying." "Was every look I ever gave you a lie?" "I've been looking forward to this." "Lovely to see you, Bridget." "Thank you very much." "That was lovely." "Really lovely." "But I'm afraid it's still men in general, and Mark Darcy in particular, that I love." "Right." "Lf, er, if I ever do decide to, um... you know, bat for the other side well, there's no-one else." "Only you." " Hello, Giles." " Hello, Bridget." "Inns of Court, please." "Fast as you can." "What do you think of this jacket?" " Yeah, very nice indeed." " No, be honest." "What do you think of the whole jacket/trouser combination?" " Disaster." " Actually, can we take a tiny detour?" "I'll be back in literally two seconds." "Oh." " You look gorgeous." " Thank you." "Very important at this moment." "Doesn't matter." "It's not about looks." "As I was saying." "Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr. Darcy." "Down there, right along the corridor, and just to the left." "Thank you very much." "I love you." "I always have and I always will." "Oh, um..." "I don't love you, and I never have, and I never will." "Sorry." "Come in." "Hello, Bridget." "Hello, Mark." "Er..." "I'm sorry, I'm disturbing you." " Well, yes, a bit." " I'll just... sit outside while you finish." "No, no, no, please, say what you have to say, young lady." "Mr. Santiago is the Peruvian Secretary for Trade." "And Mr. Hernández is his number two." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello, hello, hello." "How can we help you, young lady?" "Well, er..." "Er..." "I just wanted to tell Mr. Darcy here that I heard what magnificent work he actually did releasing me from prison." "Tiny, tiny misunderstanding to do with an enormous stash of cocaine." "And I also wanted to say, since having found out that his girlfriend is actually a lesbian that I love him." "Always have." "Always will." "And that I'm you know available for dates if he should feel so inclined." "So, er, your girlfriend is a lesbian." "Look, if you'll all just excuse us for a second..." "I think we should..." "Bridget, that was not the most romantic proposition I've ever heard." "Well, maybe it is romantic because it's not." "I mean..." "I know there's no music playing, and it's not snowing, but that doesn't mean that it, that it can't really be something." "You're right." "In fact, there's a question I've been meaning to ask you." "All right." "As long as it's not "Will you marry me?"" "Oh, God." "It is "Will you marry me?"" "Well, I'm not gonna say it now." " Is it "Will you marry me?"" " The moment's gone." "No." "No, no, no." "No, wait." "Wait." " Bridget." " Start again." " No." " Start again." "I'm not gonna..." "It's..." "We've just stepped out into the corridor, you say "I've got a question to ask you"" "and I don't say anything." "And..." "And..." "You say..." "Bridget Jones, will you marry me?" "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this day to unite this couple." "Do you affirm your love, one to the other?" "I do." "Again." "And Colin?" "I do." "Again." "As well." "Of course." "December 31st, year-end summary." "Prison stays, one." "Lesbian kisses, one." "Pounds lost, minus one." "Boyfriends lost but then regained following major diplomatic incident, one." "Marriage proposals, one." "An excellent year's progress." "Bridget Jones has cocked things up for the very last time." "So, as you can see, I have found my happy ending at last." "And I truly believe that happiness is possible." "Even when you're 33 and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls."