"Previously on "In Treatment"..." "I ruined their family." "Darlene told me before she left for Wisconsin that she was only going because she knew I would be there to take care of Dana." "She said she didn't trust Cy but she trusted me." "She trusted me and I ruined it." "One night..." "It happened." "We almost had sex again but he said that we had to stop." "He said it would ruin both of our careers if this got out." "Just say it!" ""She tried to kill herself" or not." "There's a difference... between not being careful and wanting to commit suicide." "Hello." "Charmed, I'm sure." "It's the middle of the night for me." "I'm utterly exhausted." "I was at this amazing party last night." "It went on and on." "I stayed awake all night, and then I walked here." "No food, no sleep," "I'm running on empty." "I've never had so much to drink in my whole life." "There was this guy... this new guy... total eye candy." "He kept walking around with tequila shots." "He kept making me drink them." "I must've had..." "I don't know." "I've never been so wrecked in my whole life." "S01E18:" "Sophie, Week Four" "I have to take them off." "Do you mind?" "Sure." "You've grown hands." "It's crazy how quickly a person gets used to things." "When I had the casts, it was like, they'd always been a part of me, you know?" "Like I'd been born a monster." "And now, two days after they're gone, it's like, "Casts?" "What casts?"" "Can't believe I bought them." "I buy shoes basically never, and when I do..." "They make you want to vomit, don't they?" "It's your fault I bought them, you know?" "Why?" "My mom took me shopping last week." "I thought she was trying to be maternal or something." "Turns out we were only there because you called her and told her" "I was gonna off myself." "I -- that's not what I said, Sophie." " Yeah, whatever." " No, Sophie, honestly, I, I never said that." "I said "whatever"." "Okay." "Anyway, I picked out this jacket, this army thing that she, of course, hated." "Then as punishment she said that I had to buy something feminine." "She picked out those Barbie shoes while I pretended to retch on the makeup counter." "If I had known you'd called her, I never would've gone shopping." "And then she wonders why I run off to the gym to be with her." "I mean, to be without her." "To get the hell away from her." "For my last birthday she gave me a bra." "A bra for my birthday?" "It's like getting coal." "It's worse than getting coal." "At least you can burn coal." "It was one of those pushy-uppy wonder things with the clicky wheel." "You know?" "Half-bra, half-machine." "She wants me to be some sort of a fucking cheerleader." "You want to know why she really hates that I'm a gymnast?" "Why?" "Because of my boobs." "She thinks it will stunt my development." ""Your boobs won't grow." "You'll hate your body." "You'll be deformed." That's all she cares about... whether or not I grow a rack." "So I won't have big boobs, who gives a flying fuck?" "Must be pretty hard for you, trying to avoid your mom all the time." "Just the opposite." "I enjoy it." "Really?" "Why?" "A few minutes ago, you said you had to run off to the gym in order to be with her." "How extraordinary, Dr. Freud." "Whatever do you think I meant?" "Maybe it means that... no matter what I do, I can't get rid of her." "Maybe it means that, um... in order to keep her interested in you... you feel you have to... run away." "That doesn't even make sense." "You sound like a fortune cookie." "Have you ever worn shoes like that before?" "Oh yeah, all the time." "I mean, don't you?" "This type of heel raises your butt and shapes your calf." "And that's essential." "I highly recommend you pick up a pair, Paul." "Must remember to do that." "So, why did you wear them last night?" "I don't know." "Really?" "No idea?" "No?" "They remind me of, uh... of Dorothy's shoes." "Who's Dorothy?" " From "The Wizard of Oz"." "Oh, you said "Dorothy" like she was a friend of yours." "They're nothing like Dorothy's shoes." "Dorothy was cool." "Her shoes were retro." " Oh, no." " What?" "Please don't say, "There's no place like home"... 'cause if you do, I might have to puke all over your sofa." "No, at the end, what I was going to say was that Dorothy discovers that she can go home anytime she wants with or without her shoes." "Why are you infantilizing me?" "I..." "I apologize if... if that's how it sounded, Sophie." "I really didn't intend that." "So, have you taken your SATs yet?" "Not yet." "I have a feeling that you're going to do really well." "I expect to." "So, your mother bought you these shoes, you hate them and you still wore them." "Why?" "I'm at a total loss." "But, hey, why don't you call up my mother and say, "Hi, Sophie's mom," "Sophie wore those Barbie shoes you bought her, went out to a bar, screwed half the U.S. Olympic gymnastic team, and now she's gonna kill herself."" "Why'd you do it anyway?" " Why'd you call her?" " Because I was worried about you." "Suddenly everyone's so worried about me." "Did you call Cy, too?" "He's turned into my grandmother." "He won't let me train." "He's making me do classes with the ten-year-olds." "It's ridiculous." "Now I remember what I wanted to tell you." "The most amazing thing happened at the gym the other day." "Even though I haven't been training," "I've been absorbing stuff, just by watching." "'Cause I have this chronic problem with my toes going off the edge of the beam when I land a hard element." "It's because I'm naturally knock-kneed." "My knees, they face inwards." "So, in order to get them facing straight, my feet have to point out, which is good for ballet, but bad for gymnastics." "Just a toe in the wrong position can lose you the event." "I'm talking about medals here." "So, anyway, I'm on the beam, right?" "And I've been training at nighttime, even though my body doesn't want to yet." "It was like..." "When I was little, I used to starve myself... and there would be this period, usually in the morning, where I was really really hungry." "You know, so hungry that I thought that my stomach might just start... eating the rest of me." "And then it would go away... suddenly, like turning off a light switch." "I felt like I was floating on clouds." "It was the same with pain this time." "I pushed through it until it just..." "let up... all of a sudden." "And then I felt like I didn't have a body at all." "Like I was just a pair of somersaulting eyes." "So, yesterday I marched into the gym and I got up on the beam." "Everyone was in shock and I felt this silence all around me." " Sophie, be careful, please." " Then something inside of me, some little voice said, "Prove it."" "So I started the first element." " Here, I'll show you." " No, Sophie, please, be careful." " This is dangerous." " Don't have a cow, Paul." "I'm fine." "So, anyway, I begin the first element." "When I look back at my feet, they were right on the beam." "It's nothing major, but I took it as a sort of sign." "Afterwards, everyone told me Cy was so shocked that he couldn't breathe." " Well, I bet he was." " I did a backflip." " I landed perfectly." " That was incredible." "I just walked back to the bench, like it was no big deal." "I could feel everybody's eyes on my back" "I wanted to turn around and just..." "And what?" "Nothing." "No, come on, tell me." "I wanted to flip them the bird with both hands like "Fuck all of you and the fish you swam in on."" "I thought it was the, um..." ""the horse that you rode in on"." "Not in my book." "In my book it's a fish." "What is it, Sophie?" "What's wrong?" "I don't feel well." "Do you want some water?" "Do you feel a pain?" "Wait a second." "Just wait, it'll go away." "Stop it, Sophie." " Stop it." " What is it?" "Sophie, look at me." "Please." "What is it?" "What goes on in there?" "Tell me." "Around 2:00 a.m., he took me to his room." "Who did?" "The new guy with the tequila." "He's from " " Minnesota or Michigan or somewhere, and... he's a brilliant gymnast." "He wanted to have sex... he couldn't get it up." "He was pretty wasted, too." "And then he did and then... we had sex and..." "I didn't feel anything." "As usual." "Absolutely nothing." "Afterwards he said that I fucked like someone who's been sexually abused." "Prick." "I'm sorry, go on." "We went to the girls' house... to the room that I'm sometimes staying in." "I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't stop thinking about what he'd said." "I was afraid that if I fell asleep" "I wouldn't get up in time to come here, so..." "And when I closed my eyes I saw these horrible images." " What?" " Like... everything around me was falling apart, you know, disintegrating, turning into ash, right in front of me." "And, I forced myself to think of something pretty and nice like... a pasture in the sunlight, and to hold it there... that image." "But as soon as I started to fall asleep, the pasture would turn to rot." "It was terrible." "And that reminded me of the accident for some reason." "I don't know why." "I was scared that if I slept I'd dream about the accident, so..." "I got up, and I walked to the bus stop, very slowly... backwards, actually, just to slow myself down." "The buses weren't running yet, so..." "I sat on the bench." "Yeah?" "And what?" "What were you thinking about when you sat on the bench?" "I was thinking about Dana." "I couldn't breathe." "The night of the accident, when I left Darlene's house and got on the bike, all of a sudden I couldn't breathe." "My throat closed up." "And there is this blind turn at the end of their hill, and when I..." "I went around it a white car almost hit me." " I don't remember." " Go on, Sophie." " What happened with the car?" " I don't remember." "Go on, please." "It's really important." " I don't remember anything else." " You don't have to do this alone." "I don't want to!" "Go on." "The seat was hurting me." "It was Cy's bike, a man's bike, so it had a narrow seat." "That's why it was hurting me." "When I reached the blind turn, a white car came around and... almost hit me." "It had the brights on so it blinded me." "It swerved away from me and then honked and..." "It was so weird." "The road just sort of started coming at me, sort of attacking me, really fast, like... like I was falling from somewhere very high, and..." "I wanted it." "I wanted to hear a huge boom and then I wanted to hear nothing." "I'm trying to kill myself." "I'm a fucking freak." "You're not a freak." "What happened then?" "It was as if it had already happened." "As soon as the white car passed" "I knew I was going to have an accident." "And I just felt calm." "I turned the handlebars just the smallest little bit to the left." "I remember thinking," ""Just this tiny, little movement is enough."" "Then I rode into the street." "It was impossible for another car not to hit me, and I felt just free... free and strong." "I had this adrenaline rush, like nothing could touch me." "What is that about?" "Maybe you felt like you were in control." " Yes." " Yeah?" "And then I was in the middle of the road and... there was this terrible, screeching sound and then a boom, and..." "I remember, I said to myself, "Oh."" "Just "Oh."" "And I flew into the air." "I could suddenly breathe again." "I had all this air in my lungs." "And then you were on the ground, and... you were lying there." "Do you remember what... what was going through your head?" "That I finally killed her." "Killed who, Sophie?" "That's what I thought when I landed." " Who did you kill, Sophie?" " I don't know." "Sophie..." "Sophie, you okay?" "Uh-hmm." "I'll be right out." "You feel better?" "I think I'll go home." "We have a little time left." "Yeah, but I'm really tired." "You can stay for a little bit longer if you like." "I think I'll go home." "But wait..." "I have the magic slippers... that clearly I can click three times, and suddenly everybody I love will be right by my side." "And you're like "The Wizard of Oz"." "You think you know everything, but you don't know shit." "Plus, you're always behind that curtain." "What curtain?" "Let's see you do some magic." "What am I thinking right now?" "I don't know..." "Sophie, I, I can't, I can't read your mind." "Try." "Please try, Mr. Magic Man." "Are you angry that I made you remember the accident?" "Is that it?" "That's not what I was thinking." "You lose." " Sophie, are you okay?" " You must have someone else coming, right?" " I don't have anybody coming " " I can't see anyone like this." "No, but Sophie, I'm a little worried about you, please." "Sophie, please." "I thought the shooting times were always fixed." "What shooting?" "What are you talking about?" " I thought they always came at the same " " Who?" "Who?" "The models." "Sophie." "Oh god."