"Hey, did you see Statue Guy out there?" "He's really in the zone this morning." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "He's been frozen in that same position for two, three days now." "Birds pecking at him." "He didn't even flinch." "I was so impressed I tossed him a five." "I think it's more impressive when he stands, you know?" "He doesn't look like much like a statue slumped over like that." "Maybe a statue of a dead guy." " Oh, man!" " Oh, man!" "Wait, wait." "Whoa." "Are you gonna go check?" "I'm going to get my five back." "What?" "Standing still's a lot less impressive if you're dead." "Hey, guys." "Hey, Marni." "You know that painted silver guy who hangs out front pretending to be a statue?" "Well he died this morning." "Or one of the previous three mornings." "He's dead?" "Mm-hm." "Well, good for him." "Tess, Statue Guy Fred died this morning." "He died?" "Right on." "Why are we happy he's dead?" "Well it was his dream, you know?" "To achieve perfect stillness." "To become, in effect, a statue." "What the hell kind of dream is that?" "To stop breathing?" "Well he used to be ccountant." "Wow, I'm gonna miss him." "I used to tie the kids to him when I needed to run errands." "So you really knew this guy?" "Fred the Statue Guy?" "Everyone did." "He was a fixture of the Village." "Didn't you ever talk to him?" "Well, hey, I treated him like a statue." "And isn't that really paying him the ultimate respect?" "I wonder if there's going to be a memorial service." "We should all definitely go." "I don't think that's really necessary." "Come on, Nate." "You have to go." "Nah, I don't think I do have to go to Statue Guy's funeral." "I'll go." "What?" " Why?" "I never get to wear my nice suit." "Look, you know, I made it this far without ever going to a funeral." "I don't see why I should start now, okay?" "You've never been to a funeral?" "Well, no wonder you don't like death." "Yeah, that must be it." "Not the whole ceasing-to-exist thing." "You know funerals are just a fact of life, Nate, just like death is a fact of life." "The ritual helps us accept that." "Even ants have a ceremony when one of them dies." "What are you talking about?" "You know, when ants die how all the other ants line up and carry them off?" "To eat them." "What?" "Not to bury them?" "No." "Are you telling me ants don't celebrate the lives of other ants?" "Then why do they call them nature's pallbearers?" "They don't." "Anyway, it's the spirit of the thing." "And I went with you to Van Helsing, so you're going." "Hey, you ready to go?" "We're meeting them there, right?" "Yeah." "Is this okay?" "I don't really have any funeral clothes." "My clothes are all very life-affirming." "No, you're good." "Aha." "What's that all about?" "Ugh." "He's waiting for his peach to ripen." "I don't know." "He's all excited about it." "Your hair looks cute, Marn." "What did you do?" "Mmm, I just got it blown out." "Yeah?" "You like your hair guy?" "'Cause I thinking it's time I stop cutting mine myself." "Well, the guy who cuts my hair is okay." "But the guy who shampoos it is excellent." "I always leave happy..." "if you know what I mean." "Oh, I don't." " I have a hairgasm." "A what?" "You know, an orgasm from getting your hair washed." "Shut up!" "You've never had one?" "No!" "I mean, once I had a really good bike ride." "I don't know." "There's just something about the water and the relaxation." "You should go, Tess." "You need a good washing." "Your hair's been dirty." "So dirty." " Marni, there's a casket." " Yes, there is, Nate." "But don't worry." "It's not him anymore." "It's just his body, which has been drained of blood and replaced with embalming fluid." "And we'll be in one someday." "So it's really not that big of a deal." "Bowie, there's a casket." "I know, man." "Just don't look at it." "It's a pretty good turnout." "I wonder if I'll have a good turnout." "Knowing my luck they'll probably have to do me in the tiny room." "The tiny room?" " Oh, sure." "You know all those funeral homes have different sized rooms." "You know, depending on the kind of crowd they're expecting." "Well, they ain't gonna be doing me in no tiny room." " Bowie, promise me something." " What?" "Don't let 'em do me in the tiny room." "Marni, those are priests." "Is this gonna be a mass?" "Probably." "I think Fred was Catholic." "What?" "Oh, nothing." "It's just-- It's awkward, you know?" "All the kneeling and standing." "I never know what to do." "Well, just follow along and do what everybody else does." "I can't." "Jews don't kneel." "Yeah, why is that again?" "I don't know." "It's in the Torah." "Something about ripping your good slacks." "Nate, don't worry." "I know you're gonna be fine." "Now just sit back, relax, and be happy it's not you." "Friends, we gather here in the shelter of God's healing love to celebrate the life of Frederick Duffy." "Let us pray." "Wh--where are we going now?" "What are we doing?" "I think we're going to pay our respects." "Would you stop asking me questions and just go?" " But I don't" " Just go." "See, Nate?" "It's over." "Your first funeral and nothing horrible happened." "I couldn't say that after Van Helsing." "Hey, not a day goes by that I don't feel bad about that." "All right, I'll see you later." "I gotta stop by work on my way home." "Oh, I gotta go too." "I have a hair appointment." " Really?" "Well, have a good time." " Oh, I plan to." "Come on, let's go." "No, we can't." "What do you mean we can't?" "Why can't we?" "I accidentally took Communion." "What are you talking about?" "I took Communion." "Oh, Lordy." "Yes, it is." "Nate, you're not Catholic." "You're not supposed to have that." "You think I don't know that?" "Look, it was an accident." "I got in line like you told me to, and when I got up there the priest, he just gave it to me." "Why didn't you just say no, thank you?" "I didn't know that was an option." "What did you do?" "I shook his hand and said God bless." "I didn't take the wafer." "Man, I thought you were supposed to be the chosen people." "They should've chosen somebody with a little bit more sense." "Do you think we could move this along?" "'Cause I'm standing here with the body of Christ." "Are you nuts?" "Don't wave it around." "Well what am I supposed to do with it now?" "I don't know if you're aware, but historically the little mistakes like this can turn into wars that last for centuries." "I don't wanna start anything." "You know Jesus." "Take it." "No!" "No, no, no." "I'm Christian, but this ain't my branch." "Why don't you just leave it on a bench or something?" "I can't do that." "I mean, hasn't it been blessed?" "What if it falls on the floor and some janitor comes along and sweeps it up and it ends up in the garbage?" "We have to do what's right." "What's right?" "Getting close." "No more sun for you, little friend." "Well, apparently, my head is frigid." "Really?" "It didn't happen?" "No." "Actually, it kinda hurt." "Well, sometimes it hurts the first time." "Did you tell him what you like?" " Oh, I didn't know I could do that." " Of course you can." "When you pay for it you can get it however you want." "Hang on a second." "Did he rinse too soon?" "No, he took forever." "I was just staring at the ceiling waiting for him to finish." "They're having a wake at a bar?" "Their funerals are more fun than our weddings." "Okay, look." "There's the priest." "Just go give it to him." "Oh, yeah, sure." "I'll just walk up to him and say, "Excuse me, Father, is this your lord?"" "Yeah, that'll go well." " Well, what are we doing here, then?" "I just wanna give it back to to without causing a scene." "Tell you what, you distract him and I'll slip it in his pocket." "Okay, can I get a beer first?" "It says with the funeral program you get a free draft." "Just do it." "Excuse me, Father." "I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the services today." " Thank you very much." " Do you have any saints who are sisters?" "I don't mean nun sisters." "I'm talking about sister sisters." "And how many of those sisters are sisters?" "I got it." "You had a hair." "Ah." "Well, did you do it?" "Those robes have no pockets." "All that fabric and no pockets." "Say what you want about my people, boy, but we know how to tailor." "Wait, follow me." "I have an idea." "Maybe the priest is hungry." "We can't do that." "We have to treat it with respect." "Quick, put cheese on it." "Cracker, Father?" "No, I'm watching my weight." "You?" "You're joking, right?" "Who are you keeping in shape for?" "Well?" "Nothing." "I had him shampoo it three times." "Now I'm frustrated and I look like my mom at a PTA meeting." " Well, were you specific with him this time?" " Yes." "By the end, I was barking orders at him like a Marine sergeant." "Well maybe you were too specific." "I mean, sometimes it's good to be surprised." "You know, one minute you're like, "I'm not sure I like tha--Oh, my God, I do!"" "Maybe it's me." "Maybe I just always need to be drunk." "Wait, wait, wait." "Okay." "Walk me through this." "Did he put in the conditioner?" " Yeah." " Did he do the scrubby thing?" "Oh, I don't know." "What's the scrubby thing?" "Well, there you go." "The scrubby thing is the key." "With the big circles and the little circles." "Ah, just come here." "Okay." "Was the water warm?" "Because temperature is very important." "Oh, it's too hot." "Oh, that's too cold." "Ooh, that's nice." "Nate, can we please go?" "What are you doing in here anyway?" "I was taking a break." "I'm tired, Bowie." "I'm just very tired." "Help me." "Look, you gotta stay cool, man." "Keep it cool." " Bowie, can you just hold it for a while?" "Just to give me a rest, please?" " No, no." " Please?" "Hey, hey!" "This is as much your fault as it is mine." " What?" "I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you." "I never get to wear my good suit." "Hey, I was to happy to leave it on a bench." "Hold it." " No." "Hold it!" " No, I'm not you." "Don't even think about it!" " Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Okay, okay." "Don't move." " It has a sensor flush." " Oh, God." "Okay, this is bad." "This is bad!" "Man..." "We are going to hell for this." "This is wrong!" "Listen, I feel guilty too, all right?" "I'm telling you it's wrong!" "Just don't panic." "We'll never get it out if you panic." "You're, uh" "You're not gonna tell Marni about this, are you?" "'Cause she's Catholic." "She may not see the humor in this situation." "Why are you always so concerned about what Marni thinks?" "You used to care about what I think." "What?" "Before Marni, you know, you and I, we-- Well, we were tight." "But lately" "Are we really gonna do this now?" "I'm just saying I feel a little pushed aside." "Okay." "Okay." "I promise I'll be more considerate of your feelings." "Thank you." "Uh-oh." "I gotta itch my nose." "Bowie, no!" "Whatever happens, you cannot scratch your nose." "I'll blow on it." "What are you doing, man?" "You're making it worse." "I'm just gonna scratch it real slow." "Bowie, no!" "No, uh-uh." "Be careful." "I'll be careful." "Aaah." " No!" "No!" "It's still there." "It rose back up!" "Nathan, it's a miracle!" "Wait, Bowie, why does the miracle say Nabisco on it?" "What?" "Nate, that's" " That's a cracker, Nate." "That's a" " That's a cracker!" "That's not our wafer!" "We're not going to hell, Nate!" "We're not going to hell." "But then if that's a cracker, that means that our wafer's still" "You boys are in big trouble." "It was him." "It was all him." "You tempted me with those crackers." "And once I started, I couldn't stop." "Oh, well, don't feel guilty." "Leave that to my people." "No, I'm stopping now." "This last one is yours." "Of course it is." "Oh, what the hell." "Well, I should probably" " Yeah, me too." "Yeah, I got stuff" " Oh, absolutely." "I'll, uh, uh" " I'll call you." " Yeah, we'll go out." "But next week I'm working double shifts." "Yeah, me too, busy." "Whenever, you know." "Well, thanks for coming" "Stopping by." "Nothing happened here." "Marni, I know you think today went well for me." "And you were really proud of me." "But, uh, I did something wrong." "Something I feel really weird about." "Hey, we all do stuff!" "Look, I don't really know how it happened, but it did." "And I really don't want you to think less of me." "But I feel like I should tell you" "Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh." "Please, it's okay." "Whatever it is, it's fine." "We don't need to share." "Sharing is overrated." "I love you anyway." "Let's go to bed." "You...bastard!"