"(speaking indistinctly)" "(whispering):" "Coach and May are fighting." "We don't want to disturb them." "They're not fighting." "I know how to read body language." "Look." "Her arms are crossed in a position of dominance, and he's playing his forehead" " like a piano." " WINSTON:" "Will you clowns focus?" "My waffle is in the toaster, and if I wait too long" " after it pops, it'll get hard." " Look," "I know about relationships." "Winston can vouch for me." "That girl, KC, just texted him," ""What's up?"" " That riddler." " So I had him text back an empty bubble." "Is he thinking about her?" "Or is a baby playing with the phone?" "She don't know, but she want to know." " There she is." "There she is." " Oh." "JESS:" "Hey." " Morning." " Hello." " How do?" "Hey." "Oh, someone left a waffle in the toaster." "Bye, guys." "Man, this waffle had better be hot" " or I am going Durst on y'all." " Hey..." " Coach." " Why..." " Jess, are you talking like that?" " She thinks you" " and May are fighting." " No, we're not fighting." "(chuckles)" "We did break up, though." "(gasps) Oh, my God, I knew it." "I mean, I'm so sorry." "What happened?" "May accepted a job in New York as a section musician for the Met." "Oh, has Alan taken a liking to her?" "Oh, bravo." "Good for..." "You know, I've always been a fan of his." "When he conducted, uh, Das Rheingold with the Royal Stockholm Orchestra, it was magnificent." " Jar or slap?" " I don't have any cash on me." " Good slap." " JESS:" "Are you okay?" "Do you want to talk about it?" "No, I'm good." "Yeah." "I'll miss her, but... we're still friends." "We're cool." " I'm cool." " Cool." " NICK:" "All right." "He is not good." "Winston, get back here!" "We need to powwow about May and Coach!" "Winnie's gonna need a minute." "What are you reading?" "What is..." "One Woman's Journey Up Inside Herself?" "It's really inspiring." "I actually want to be the woman in this book." ""Finding inner strength in a time of crises."" "Cece, are you in crises?" "I'm fine." "Cece's fine." "How are you?" "How's Fawn holding up?" "If you must know, my paramour Councilwoman Fawn Moscato has been so strong since the incident." "(indistinct chatter)" "You know, reporters are calling it Panty-Gate." "There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom all over the Internet." "Sid, put the phone away." "You picked it up right when I said "naked lady-bottom."" "Please." "You guys are good, then?" "You know, 'cause the last time we spoke, you said you were feeling a little, you know, used." "Well, not anymore." "We're a team now." "Fawn and Schmidt." "Fawmidt." " Vomit?" " No," " Fawmidt." " You're saying the word "vomit."" "No, I don't hear that, but okay." "Fawn's holding a press conference later today, and I don't mean to toot my own shofar, but I'll be" " standing there right by her side." " So this scandal is actually bringing you two closer together." "Team Fawmidt has never been stronger." "I heard it there." "Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit."" " That's a problem." " Mm-hmm." ""Roughly the same length as The Pearl."" "How is that a pull quote?" "And that... is how babies get made." "It's gross, right?" "How does the sperm find the egg?" "Propelled by its tail, the sperm travels up the canal until it reaches the egg." "Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches, but for Mr. Sperm there it's miles away." "Miles and miles and miles away." "(sighs) It's almost like... why would the egg want to be so far away from the sperm?" "You know?" "Like, didn't the egg and the sperm have a great time together?" "And then you're just gonna pack your bags and leave and go to New York?" "To play music with some other sperm." "You're just-just gonna leave?" "You're gonna leave your sperm and go play music with other sperms?" "And I'm cool with that!" "I'm cool with that!" "You know, I got eggs." "I have eggs on deck!" "This sperm got swag." "All those other sperms ain't got swag like me." "Can any other sperm sport this much green and still look dope?" "No!" "That ain't tight!" "This is tight!" "This is tight!" "(crying):" "I just want you to come back, and I... (sniffles)" "I guess I chose the wrong day to observe Health." "COACH (crying):" "I miss her!" "May." "Listen, thanks for standing next to me up there, Ponyboy." "I hope this show of remorse will keep these reporters off my back." "Oh, I know it will." "And then, you know what, once this is over, maybe we get out of here" " for a little bit." "Lay low," " Oh." " Rent a cabin in the woods," " Yeah." " Read some poetry, have horizontal sex." " Okay, two of those three things sound like fun." "Now," " here's your statement in case you're asked any questions." " Oh, a st..." "I'm not gonna need a statement." "I'm a seasoned improviser." "Hey, guys." "We're the Belly Laughs." " So, I need a location." " BOY:" "How 'bout fat camp?" "(laughter)" "That's adorable." "But just, please, read what I wrote." "I will." "But I'm not gonna do it until I get out there." "You're gonna want me in the moment for this." "Okay." "(reporters clamoring)" "Good afternoon." "Um, before I answer any of your questions, my partner would like to read a statement." "Honey." "I am a sick man." "On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato was caught not wearing underpants because I..." "I asked her not to wear them." "Why?" "Because it turns me on." "What I did was wrong." "I'm so sorry," "Fawn." "I'm sorry, Los Angeles." "And I'm sorry to the man upstairs, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." " Dress shirts on a Monday?" " You know how it is." "Coach breaks up with a lady, we take him out," " and he gets loaded." " Yeah," "I know how it usually goes when Coach breaks up with a girl, but May is different." "Sometimes she comes over and they don't even have sex." " I don't get that." " Trust me, I am right about this, just like I was right about them fighting." "I'm on, like, a streak here." "I might just be... an expert in love." "Like a... you know, like a love doctor, if you will." "I will not." "You are the least qualified person to call themselves a doctor of love." "Exhibit "A": you dated me." "I rest my case. (chuckles)" "Court is adjourned." "Guilty as charged." "(laughs)" " Put..." "I would stop that." " Case... rested." "Listen, I got to say" "I agree with Nick on this one, Jess." "I mean, it's been a whole day, and KC still hasn't texted me." "Well, that's just proof that the bubble is working." "Look, you guys, Coach needs to talk to May." "Trust me." "He is in pain." "I'm happy and I'm healthy and I'm ready to party!" "(laughs) Let's get drunk!" "(laughing)" "(whoops) You're wrong." "Coach. (chuckles) (Coach grunts)" "Do you want to talk about what happened today" " or..." " Talk about what?" "No. (chuckles)" "(Nick and Winston laugh) Hey, um, actually, can you do me a favor?" "May's gonna be recording later." "She's gonna stop by and pick up her rubber circle." " May has a diaphragm?" " No, it's the thing that you put on the floor to stabilize the cello." " Condom." " No." "No, it's the thing you put on the floor to make sure the cello stays put." " Cello stabilizer." " Oh, yeah." "Cello stabilizer." " Oh." "Well, wouldn't you like to be here when she comes by?" " No," " that's gonna be hella weird." "I want to party!" " (laughs) Yeah!" "(indistinct cheering)" "I'm gonna do this and gonna do this, this, this, this, this." "(sighs)" "What was that speech?" "I'm sorry, okay?" "I told you to read the statement beforehand and then you told me that terrifying story about doing improv at a fat person's camp." "I didn't know that the statement was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate." "And by the way, for your information, the Belly Laughs did not "do" improv." "We reinvented it." "I know you must be embarrassed, but... you saved me." "Yeah, well, people think I'm a sicko now." " One of your aides spit at me." " Was it Shallon?" "Yeah, that's a lisp, but still, he's fired." "Look, if you want to leave, I completely understand." "But the truth is..." "I can't do this without you." "Well, now Ponyboy is feeling very conflicted." "Just one last photo op." "You and I having a lovely evening." "Show the press everything's back to normal." "And then I promise it'll just all be about us." "Could we do horizontal sex?" " Yes." " With foreplay?" " It's a deal-b..." "It's a deal-breaker." "It's a" " Uh..." "Yeah." " Deal-breaker." "Okay." " Fine, yes, fine, yes." "Oh, God." "No, please." "Oh..." "Oh, God." "(knocking) May." "Cece!" "So Coach a May broke up?" "Long story short, they shouldn't have broken up and I am the only person that sees this." "I realize" "I'm kind of an expert in love." "A love doctor if you will." "Where are your crackers?" "A-Above the fridge." "Cece, did they raise your tuition again?" "Why are you so hungry?" "I've decided I'm going to climb" "Mount Shasta." " By yourself?" " I'm leaving for three weeks." "I want to like the woman in the book, I want to go on a climbing trip and find myself." "Okay, um..." "Ceec, are you sure you're ready for a climbing trip?" "Jess, I just..." "I can't sit here and watch Schmidt with Fawn." "And I don't think they're breaking up any time soon, so..." "Cece, they're never gonna last." "He doesn't really love her." "Did he tell you that?" "No, but... as a doctor of love, I sense these things." "(knocking)" "The Love Doctor just knows." " May." " Hi." "Uh, I'm here for my endpin anchor." " Yeah." " Ah, thank you." "Very sorry to hear about the breakup." "Are you okay?" "Um, yeah." "Yeah." "I'm here to talk if you ever need to." "In hard times, it's nice to have a friend, May." "Thanks..." "Jess." "Right?" " Yes." " Well, uh..." "I'm in the middle of a recording session." "I got to get back to the studio, so... see ya." "Bye." "Yeah, Jess, she looks real broken up about it." "(knocking)" "I..." "I'm a mess." "I know!" "(crying)" "(whispers):" "The doctor is in." "Wait, what?" "Nothing." "Cry it out." "Mmm!" "Ah." "Wow." "I have never seen Coach go this hard after a breakup, man." " You sure he's okay?" " It's good, it's good, it's good." "You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol." "That's science." " I feel that, man." " It is time to turn things up." "Sidney..." "Do what you do!" "(chuckles)" "("Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles begins playing)" "Aw... (short chuckle)" "This is my jam." "Y:" "We've only been dating for a few months." "I just thought that... that breaking up was, like, the smart thing to do," " you know?" " I know you're upset, sweetie, but I..." "I can't understand anything you're saying with the crackers." "Do you love him?" "I think I do." "Well, then, maybe moving to New York doesn't mean" " you have to break up." " (muffled):" "So you think that I should... that I should" " ask Coach to move with me?" " Okay, how about we put down the crackers?" "I think she wants Coach to move to New York with her." " Oh!" "Yes, yes!" " I mean..." " Yeah?" "You-You..." "You think that he would say yeah?" " Yeah." "Definitely." "He's crazy about you." "He had a meltdown today in health class." "Now, the kids did learn that sex is emotionally complicated, so it was a good class, but trust me..." "What Jess is trying to say here is that if you... if you really know how you feel about someone, you need to act now." "Wow. (laughs) Am I really doing this?" "Yeah, but not before we clean your face, 'cause it's caked in snot." "WINSTON:" "Ooh, yeah, Coach!" " Who you think he's gonna hook up with?" " It's a tough Monday crowd." "It..." "It's nearly impossible to say, but" "I'm gonna go with the white bodysuit and, uh, the leopard print leggings." "She looks smart to me." "WINSTON:" "No way." "No way. money's on the one with the wedding ring whose husband is clearly over there in the corner" " spying on her." " Yeah, he's not happy about that." "Oh, oh, ooh!" "Dora the Explorer just entered the scene (laughs)" "You're tiny." "I like it." "NICK:" "There she g..." "Oh!" "For the kiss!" " Oh!" " The winner, the winner." "Oh." "May's here." "Coach." "(grunting, growling)" "(both whistling, grunting)" "May here, she here." "Wh-Wha..." "Uh, May, wh-what are... what are you doing here?" "No, come on." "No, no... ♪ In a flash ♪" "♪ He is gone ♪" "♪ It happened so soon... ♪" "In case you were wondering, she, uh, she did get her little rubber holder thing." "Coach, um, I wanted to apologize." " Not now, honey." " He needs some time, honey." " I brought over a beer." " We'll take that beer." "Give us that beer, honey." "Sorry." "I'm not a freaking love doctor." "I'm Dr. E.D. Ote." "(chuckles) Dr. Idiot." "Yeah, I get it." "I just never understood the whole love doctor thing, anyway." "I guess I was just hoping that with all the mistakes I've made, at least I could help you guys find love." "That I didn't go through all that for no reason." "Yeah, but no one has the answers, you know?" "It's love, it makes no sense." "It's messy." "There's no such thing as a love doctor." "You know what, Cece?" "Go on your trip." "Go get over Schmidt." "Don't listen to me." "I'm gonna climb that mountain." "Yeah, I'm gonna do it." "I'm gonna do it." "But I'm not gonna do it for Schmidt," "I'm gonna do it for me." "Good." "Go." " I love you, girl." " Love you, too." "Hey, don't smile." "Don't smile." "Look sadder that you're buying underpants." "Underpants make you very, very sad." "Oh, I hate being here so much." "These underpants make me so uncomfortable." "That's perfect." "There's that fat boy improv training." "Now, next, I'm going to ask for something with a little more coverage." "You're gonna flip out, say you can't take it anymore, and leave the store." "Then tomorrow we enter you into some kind of rehab facility." "When you get out we'll announce that we're getting married." " Married?" "What?" "I don't..." " Shh." "Yes." "Shh." "Yes, yes." "Okay, so what I say is we build on this momentum, okay?" "And we get married." "I know it's not the most romantic idea in the world, but we'd be happy." "And then, we play our cards right, you and I are living in the mayor's mansion by 2020." "Fawn." "Fawn." "No." "No?" "Oh, n-no to some of it?" "No to all of it." "We can't get married." "I barely even know you." "You..." "You know me." "The real you, Fawn." "This is the real me." "I'm a politician, not in The Vagina Monologues." "I mean, what do you want?" "I can get you anything you want." "You'll be rich, I'll be powerful." "I'm realizing... just now that it's not what I want." "I don't want any of that." "I want to be in love." "I want to be..." "I want to be crazy in love." "Okay, well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé and then pretend like you just thought of it." "Uh, uh, I want to be drunk in love." "But that's also a Beyoncé lyric." "Come on, Fawn." "You're not really in love with me." "I'm not really in love with-with you." "We just look great together buying underpants." "Are you breaking up with me?" "I guess I kind of am." "Well, um..." "I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but... does this mean I lose your vote?" "(chuckles)" "Never." "(camera shutters clicking)" "(shouting):" "I just can't stand to be in here any longer!" "Surrounded... by these underpants!" "Red ones and yellow ones and blue ones and pink ones!" "And this woman with her brassiere/teddy." "Underpants everywhere!" "They're driving me nuts!" "I feel like I got underpants all over my body!" "Schmidt out." "This is ridiculous." "Enough is enough." "Get out of here, paparazzi." "No, leave me..." "Get-get out of my way, sir." " I just want to say something." " No." "And then I'll leave." "Look, I'll never get involved in your personal life ever again." "Okay?" "Because I have no idea what I'm talking about." "And I know that now." "You could just... you could just troll for basic bitches at the juice bar, and I will say, mm, nothing." "Okay?" "So, look, I was wrong, and I'm sorry." "I do love her." "I'm crazy about her." "Yes!" "I was right!" "(laughs) Love Doctor!" "I'm back." "Really?" "I thought it was just a regular break-up." "But in all fairness, I hadn't thought about it that hard." "I mean, what do I do, man?" "You know, it's like she's going to New York." " Yup." " I can't go to New York with her." "That's crazy." "You know?" "I like my sun on the right and my ocean on the left." "It's a rule of mine." "Plus, I'd have to leave you guys." "Can't leave you guys, I mean," "I finally have a home." "All right, flash forward to the future." "40, 50 years." " You're married." "Kids, grandkids." " Mm-hmm." " I'm long dead." " Naturally." "Of course." "And you look over to the woman sitting next to you." "And she's gray." " She's old." " She has that, like, grandma smell." " You have a grandpa smell, but you got..." " Grandmas always smell like... like right when you open a cupboard." " Yeah, she has that smell, but..." " Mm-hmm." "You love her." "Be honest with yourself." " Is that fat old lady sitting beside you..." " Mm..." "Honestly, right now, in my head, I'm just picturing, like, a beanbag chair with a wig on it." " Okay." "We have gone too much into the description." " Okay." " Yeah, yeah, yeah." " Is that May?" "I think so." "Well, that's big." "Let's go get her." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " Whoo-hoo!" " Let's go get May." " Yeah." "Hey, Jess, she texted me back!" "The blank bubble worked!" "Guys?" "Have you seen my white friends?" "In 40 years, when we're old and" " Do it." " A mess of fat, loose skin hanging, I have boobs, and you've got hair on your face..." "Holding my rock sack while I'm sitting on the toilet so it doesn't fall in the water." "What are you saying?" "I'm saying, as you get older, your testicles lengthen." "(scoffs) No, what I'm saying is I love you." " Oh." " And that I would be a fool if I let you leave to New York without even fighting for us." "Ernie..." "I love you, too, but I..." "I can't stay here." "I don't want you to stay here." "Um..." "look, I know we haven't been dating that long, and, um, this might seem crazy, but I was won..." " Will you move to New York with me?" " Yes!" "That!" "That's what I..." " Yes?" "!" " Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, yeah." "(screeches) Right." "So, we're moving to New York?" " We're moving to New York." " We're moving to New York." " Jersey City." " What?" " Jersey City!" " Jersey..." "I don't..." "NICK:" "Well, this is all you, Jess." "Come on." "This is all you." "I mean it." "If Coach were hanging out with me, we'd be beating up a priest right now. (laughs)" "You had a lot to do with this, too." "No, really." "All that stuff about" ""Who do you see yourself next to?"" "That's-that's really good." "Do you do that?" "Who-who do you see yourself next to?" "Winston mostly." "Ah." "Yeah, me, too, actually." "(both laugh)" "I just see a really old Winston." "(laughter)" "Eating handfuls of birdseed out of the bag." "(both chuckle) He gets really into birds." "Hey!" "Play some music!" "Play some music!" "(playing upbeat, romantic classical music)" "I'm sorry about Fawn." "Yeah." "Sorry buddy." "Yeah, you guys were good together." "She was fine." "Okay, that's enough." "I know you guys didn't like her." " Hated her guts." " So much..." "Wait." "What are we watching right now?" "That girl just *** her boobs out" "Nick, why are you watching smut?" "It was right there in the DVD player." "I don't wanna get up and get it." "***" "Who leaves porn on the DVD player." "I don't think we'll use it ***." "Might as well just" " leave it in." " I'm sleeping on the couch." "Fergusson and I are fighting." " ***" " It's a good story." "Let's just watch and sees what happen." "What are you smiling at?" "Nothing." "For crying out loud." "***" " Jess." "I have to see how the story ends." " There isn't any plot." "***"