"**" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * how am i ever * to know * you always tell me * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps" "* perhaps * perhaps * perhaps" "good sir, i wonder how long thou canst tarry in my enchanted glade." "i've never had any complaints." "then, good sir, why do you take your leave so soon?" "stay a while, that we might talk of the love we have shared this night." "my lady, i thank you for your kindness, but i'm much a-wearied, and must fly hence...wards." "my love is not enough for your lordship." "not enough?" "i'm lucky it's still attached." "then stay." "talk with me." "teach me to be your deepest desire." "what, twins?" "stay a while, i beg you, gentle knight." "my good lady, the hour is late, and i needs must now in yonder castle a bed wouldst be." "for you, love is a burden you are quick to unload." "yeah, sorry about that, but in a way, it was a compliment." "look, i'll send a messenger." "good sir, before you leave, you must play the game." "what game, my lady?" "this game, my liege." "no man may leave the glade who does not play the game." "what manner of game is this?" "it is a game of forfeits." "if a maiden should win, then her knight may never leave her side, forsaking his home, his life, and all other loves." "for this is the game of coupling." "what happens if a knight should win this game?" "nobody knows." "bugger." "patrick, are you always like this with women?" "straight home like some kind of guided missile." "i've never had any complaints." "where are you going?" "back to my flat." "why?" "i live there." "look, i'll see you tomorrow." "sorry, my hand just does that whenever i talk to women." "this is the afterglow." "we're supposed to be together talking, bonding." "we did the talking first, then worked our way up to the sex." "if we go back to the talking, it'll feel like we're not getting anywhere." "people talk after sex." "it's normal." "it's nice." "it's better before." "there's a point to the conversation." "there's something to look forward to." "now you're already naked." "job done." "so all the time we're talking, you're just thinking about me naked?" "uh, yeah." "we talked about third world debt." "and i became aware of your thong." "aware of it?" "from nowhere." "it's a gift." "plight of the homeless?" "hold-ups." "patrick, you are the shallowest human being alive." "so you said at dinner, front-loader." "i wasn't wearing a bra." "maybe i was picking up the waitress." "you were thinking about it?" "well, i'm sorry, it's automatic." "it's the uniform." "she wasn't wearing a uniform." "ah, i projected the uniform." "you had one, too." "i was trying to discuss the value of liberal politics... and i was a waitress?" "you were a nurse." "what was i doing as a nurse?" "discussing the wine list with a policewoman and the dental receptionist." "what's it like in your world, patrick?" "well, the view's good, and there's full employment for women." "why don't you stay?" "stay?" "you can stay here." "you don't have to go." "uh, well, i need to change for the office for the morning." "oh." "i cleaned some of the stuff you left here last time." "oh...great." "great, thanks." "uh, not actually the shirt i was planning to wear." "well, which is more important?" "the shirt or me?" "good point." "absolutely." "um, the thing is... big meeting tomorrow, first thing." "better stay here, then." "much closer to your office." "right, yes." "that's another good point." "that's two good points now." "um, it's just that... what?" "well, i've been spending a lot of nights here lately, and i thought it might be a nice change to... to what?" "nothing." "well, that's settled, then." "i'll get you a towel." "i'll need a razor." "uh, for the morning meeting." "a proper razor-- i need to shave properly." "oh, don't you worry." "i've got a razor that can handle anything." "why?" "play your cards right, and i'll show you." "bugger." "patrick?" "yes?" "can i ask you something?" "sure." "why do men never-- never what?" "that is a weird question." "that's what i thought." "well, what did you say?" "he said, "because men believe in the sanctity of the law." ""because men are aware of the many penalties" ""and sanctions that can be imposed, and because men just don't have the concealment crevices."" "what did she say?" "uh, she said, "no, patrick." ""not smuggle, snuggle."" "oh... yeah." "kinda makes more sense now, actually." "concealment crevices?" "that one's haunting me." "it could run and run." "so why don't men snuggle?" "fact of science." "they hate it." "what's there to hate?" "hair in your face." "someone breathing on you." "contact sweat." "you get less than a foot of the total bed width." "they seem to have these extra limbs to wrap you up in." "it's a fact." "as soon as you turn out the light, women start unfolding extra limbs." "the moment you move, even the tiniest bit, they wake up and ask you what's wrong." "every time!" "what's wrong is i'm trapped under a hairy, inquisitive sex octopus." "which, as it turned out, wasn't the answer she was expecting." "a hairy, inquisitive sex octopus?" "with concealment crevices and a sideline in smuggling." "there are times when "in a good way" doesn't cover it." "no." "thing is, steve, i'm there practically every night." "we go to sally's flat, we have sex-- good sex, excellent sex-- i'm not complaining about the sex-- i'll give her eight or nine out of ten for the sex every time." "not that she ever looks pleased." "but then, i can't seem to get home." "whatever i say, whatever excuse i come up with, there's always some clever answer, like "no, stay."" "i've tried everything-- "i've got an early start, i need a change of clothes, i've gotta feed the cat."" "you don't have a cat." "you see, now i can't even get away from you!" "sorry." "the thing is, steve, i just wanna go home." "of course you do." "i mean, don't get me wrong, i wanna keep her on." "termination is not being tabled here." "and it's not like i haven't said that to her." "but sometimes i just want my own bed." "i know." "i want a bed you can find without excavating through a pile of soft toys and cushions." "why do they do that?" "why do they camouflage their beds during the daylight hours?" "are people trying to steal their beds?" "( mock urgency ) bed thieves are operating in your area." "secure all doors and windows, and make a large pile of raggy dolls in the center of your duvet." "steve, you know what i need?" "s-sorry, you're actually expecting me to guess?" "i need a magic sentence." "yeah, i would've been fairly wide of the mark, anyway." "i need a sentence that starts with the words" ""i need to go home now because"" "and ends with me going home." "oh, patrick." "that sentence doesn't exist." "don't tell me that." "do you want these on the table?" "thanks, yeah." "but apart from all that, apart from the octopus comparison issues... ( chuckles ) like how you're selling that as a typical problem." "i think it's going pretty well." "great." "we're hanging in there." "i only panic at the usual times of day." "we've got over all the major hurdles." "yeah, absolutely." "what do you mean," ""yeah, absolutely"?" "well, you know, "yeah" and "absolutely."" "no, you don't." "you were being all, you know." "all what?" "all susan-y." "well, since i am susan, that's a tad non-specific." "you were being all, "i'm susan, i'm sensible," ""i know better than you, i make lots of lists," ""i've got the perkiest little bottom in all of toyland, and i trot along the street like a happy, trotting elf."" "i'm sorry." "i just opened my mouth, and there was a bit more in there than i was expecting." "where did "happy trotting elf" come from?" "just off the top of my head." "i didn't have time to think of anything nice." "a whole world of scary insight right there." "um, okay, there are two major hurdles." "the first time you have sex." "done that one." "hurdled that one." "been back a few times and checked." "trust me, it's hurdled." "and then, much more importantly, much more significantly... what?" "you'll find out." "you have got to tell me!" "who, me?" "santa's bounciest helper?" "susan the happy trotting elf?" "you told her about that?" "you're in on the trotting elf?" "this is some kind of shared joke that i am not a part of." "you are a part of it." "you're the butt." "okay, that was gonna sound better." "susan, we were just having a laugh." "a few glasses of wine, you know." "so a few glasses of wine, a few laughs, and it's susan the happy, trotting elf." "it's nothing nasty." "i'll fax you the lyrics." "the lyrics?" "i'll fax them over." "it's a song?" "actually, i thought you did fax them." "well, not to susan." "it's a song, and it's been distributed?" "we were drunk." "it was late." "we had an amusing song and a fax machine." "there are some things you just can't fight." "who did you fax?" "oh, people." "people?" "it's a blur." "you've gotta get more relaxed about this kind of thing." "i am relaxed." "it's fine, it's okay." "i've got a sense of humor." "i just, you know, don't wanna feel left out now that i'm the sensible pregnant one." "you know what?" "you should come round." "you should join in the song." "yeah!" "we'd have much more fun if you were there." "and we wouldn't need the blond wigs." "it doesn't exist." "i need that sentence." "if it existed, we would know." "it would be passed down from father to son." "it would be found carved in rock near the oldest human settlements." "i'm sorry, patrick, no." "you go to her flat, you have sex with her, my friend, you're serving sleep time." "i need a bathroom that isn't covered in tiny bottles." "i need fewer vases." "but you're her boyfriend now." "the rules are different." "what you're suggesting is going to her home, having sex with her, and just leaving." "exactly!" "they dislike when a guy goes into a restaurant and he wants to use the toilet." "believe me, i've tried to explain that to her." "patrick, this may come as a shock to you, but the modern woman expects more." "shouldn't we be heading back yet?" "nah, they'll still be cooking." "who else is coming tonight?" "uh, jane's bringing somebody." "who?" "somebody she's been out with a couple of times." "there are whole post codes defined that way." "it's best not to know their names." "you only get attached." "oliver?" "yeah, that's the one." "science fiction oliver?" "yeah, what's he like?" "( loud crash ) i'm okay!" "i'm fine." "just misjudged the door recoil." "craziness!" "don't know my own strength." "here you go." "cheers, mate, thanks." "bloody things." "bloody cheap sunglasses." "yeah, fine." "i'll probably just throw them away, actually." "whatever." "bloody things." "hey!" "sorry, sorry, mate." "what are you doing?" "it was an accident." "sorry." "it's a real black spot, this, actually." "a what?" "!" "an accident black spot-- the whole door area." "i've just had a recoil incident myself." "yeah, i just got your bloody sunglasses in my face." "yeah, sorry, they're faulty." "is there a problem here?" "no, no, no problem." "yes!" "yes, there is." "no, just trying to move people on from the black spot." "could you move straight on from the door area, please?" "thank you." "black spot?" "this guy threw his sunglasses at me." "a lot of people were using the door area." "things are gonna get thrown." "ah, for god's sake." "they were in a sale." "typical me." "listen-- no." "okay." "hi, guys." "it was a clear victory for the door, but for a second there, i think you had the chair worried." "listen, i'm glad i ran into you guys." "oliver, you remember patrick." "you know i'm coming to dinner tonight." "sure, yeah." "jane's invited me, and it's looking good." "she's asking me to give her a lift home afterwards, but i need some advice." "if it's about jane, i'd suggest "run."" "it's not about jane, it's about me." "okay." "do you know how long it's been since i've had sex?" "two years." "s-seven months." "oh, okay." "it's been seven months since i-- what made you say two years?" "i don't know, it just popped into my head." "it's seven months." "fine." "seven months is a long time." "and i think i may have developed an issue." "yeah?" "it seems after seven months in the woman wilderness, i've reached a new place." "what place?" "i think my body's changing." "like a famine response." "changing how?" "my nipples have activated." "right." "like sleeper agents, they've received a coded signal, and they're out there!" "out there?" "what do you think?" "you're packing peanuts." "they've never done this before!" "i can't get them to go down." "it's not even cold, and look at the projection!" "if i took off my shirt, i could hold up a bank." "did you consider wearing a vest?" "didn't work out." "what happened?" "i enjoyed it." "well, did you need such a tight t-shirt?" "okay, i weakened." "it's been seven months!" "look, i'm gonna be having dinner with jane, i'm gonna be trying to sound cool, i'm gonna be doing the laid-back thing, and i'm gonna have two miniature erections pointing at her across the table!" "what happens if they detonate?" "!" "one smile from jane and i'll be picking off wine glasses." "fire one!" "fire two!" "everyone save yourselves!" "i lost control of my nipples!" "to the man who came to dinner." "i'm going home, i'm getting a sweater." "oliver, hang on." "what's happening here is you're just panicking a little, that's all." "you're panicking and you happen to be having a... lively nipple day." "your body doesn't start mutating 'cause you haven't had sex for two years." "seven months." "yeah, all right, sorry, seven months." "she might not even notice." "look at me." "mmm, actually, she might just hand over her purse." "tonight, after the dinner party, i'm going home." "after the dinner party." "after your first couple dinner party." "it can't be done." "steve." "look at my face." "i'm going home." "( chattering )" "not for me, steve." "i've got the car with me." "so where's oliver got to?" "he had a sweater crisis." "how's it going with you guys?" "i think he's sweet." "everyone thinks he's sweet." "he's adorable." "he's a cross between a puppy and an idiot." "i'm letting him give me a lift home tonight." "do you think that's a good idea?" "so you haven't made up your mind, then?" "i need a sign." "okay, it's a sweater." "it'll do." "( bell chimes )" "( doorbell rings )" "shit!" "ooh!" "hello, oliver." "hello, jane." "you found the place all right, then." "yeah. no problem." "cool." "oliver?" "yes, jane." "is there something you want to tell me?" "i have miniature erections." "( chattering )" "my god, is that the time?" "it's been a lovely evening." "is there a reason why you're standing to attention?" "it's the cold!" "i've got some brandy, if anyone wants a last drink." "not for me, obviously, seeing as i've not really been drinking as i have to drive home." "oh, darling, i completely forgot." "it's just i've got things to do early tomorrow." "i've just gotta be home." "sorry." "it's not that i mind, darling." "oh, good, great." "it's just i've been refilling your glass." "i didn't notice that." "didn't you?" "oh, well." "they're really cracking down here." "better not risk it, don't you think?" "susan: well, never mind." "you get to spend the night with sally." "i'm sure there are compensations." "well, yeah, obviously." "it's always a difficult calculation, isn't it-- how many glasses stop you being able to drive but allow you to do everything else." "five." "oliver could give patrick a lift." "oliver?" "oliver's got his car, he's not been drinking." "you could give patrick a lift, couldn't you?" "i thought i was giving you a lift home." "i'm on the way." "you can drop me off, then take patrick home." "oh, right, i see." "you can pick up your car any old time, can't you?" "well, yeah." "no." "i can't let oliver give patrick a lift home." "it's miles out of his way." "it's fine." "no, it isn't." "yes, it is." "no, it isn't." "yes, it is!" "no, it isn't." "well, actually, we could give patrick a lift." "no, you couldn't." "yeah, we could." "no, we couldn't." "yes, you could." "no, they couldn't!" "yes, they could!" "are you all right?" "oh, hello." "it's just that you're supposed to be showing us all to the door." "how close was i?" "not very." "don't tell susan." "i am susan." "exactly." "listen, patrick's about to go." "it's time for the panic button." "what's the panic button?" "music." "music is great for guilt." "every time steve was trying to leave, i'd always make sure the right music was playing." "and i've got a tiny suggestion." "you're just giving me a lift." "i get that." "you can't expect to come in, have a few drinks with me, and end up in my bed like some kind of taxi driver." "is she all right?" "yeah, just a little sad, just a little lonely." "i just wanna be home, just one night." "i'm never there!" "if that's what's important to you, then fine." "i think sally's just dealing with her feelings with that, and maybe finding a way to express them." "( humming song ) * i'm susan, the happy, trotting elf * * i trot and trot and bounce and bounce * * and smile a lot, and that's what counts * * i'm susan, the happy, trotty, smile-a-lotty elf *" "( humming ) * i'm polite, so just for clarity * * when i'm cross, i say.... * apparently!" "* i'm susan, the ha-- * sally: i'm all right." "* i'm susan * * the happy, trotty, smile-a-lotty elf *" "( humming loudly )" "no. all by myself." "oh" "my lord, i thought you'd gone." "my lady, how could i leave when i have found you capable of yet new enchantments?" "indeed?" "could you turn into an elf again?" "you liked that, didn't you?" "( sighs ) bugger." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started * * and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * broken-hearted * so if you really love me * say yes" "* and please don't tell me * * perhaps * perhaps * perhaps"