"Ladies and gentlemen !" "Eddie Murphy!" "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "Two times, far two times." "?" "I want a big applause round for the Bus Boys." "There's some rules, I got some rules when I show down and I do my standup, I got rules and shit." "Faggots aren't allowed to look in my ass while I'm up here !" "That's why I keep moving while I'm up here." "You don't know where the faggot section is, you gotta keep movin'." "So if they do see it, quick, you switch, they don't get no long stares at your shit so that their imagination is flowing about my..." "I know when you're looking, 'cos my ass starts to get hot." "I'm afraid of gay people." "Petrified." "I have nightmares about gay people." "As this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a faggot." "Really, he'd be walking up and he'd be going:" ""Hey, boy !" "Hey, boy !"" ""You look mighty cute in them jeans !"" ""Now come on over here, and fuck me up the ass !"" ""I'm gonna bend over now !"" ""Hey, boy, slow down !" "You're gonna miss the round, you come too fast !"" ""You make me get get mad I clench up my buttcheeks and rip your dick of !"" "You know who would be a funny faggot?" "Ralph Kramp and Ed Norton!" "Ralph Kramp leaning out the window and:" ""Norton!" "Come on down, I wanna show you somethin'!"" ""Ralphie-boy, whaddaya saying' there pal of mine ?"" ""You know Norton, I've been watching you." "And I know you've been watching me." "You watch me!" "I know!"" ""So, Ralph, what are you gettin' at?"" ""Norton, my friend!" "How would you like to fuck me up the ass?"" ""I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!"" ""And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna fuck me!"" ""Now I'm gonna bend over, and when I do, start fuckin'!"" ""Here I go !"" ""Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!"" "I kiss the homosexuals a lot, 'cos they're homosexuals." "I fuck with everybody." "I don't give a fuck if they're..." "Just like I'm..." "I don't mean anything by it." "You can hang out with a gay person." "Them guys don't feel, you know, alienated, like, gay people, 'cos they're gay." "You can play tennis with a gay person." "Really !" "Just after the game you say:" ""I'm gonna get a beer, what's you gonna do ?"" ""I think I'm gonna suck some guy's dick." "Well, I'll see you later!"" ""You go suck that dick, I'm gonna have the beer."" "Ladies are hip to it too." "Ladies be hanging out with gay people." "Ladies say:" ""Gay men are the best friends I have !"" ""'cos they don't want anything from you, you don't want anything from them, you just hang out, you can be with them and get fun and just talk to them and all that bullshit, maybe hanging out with them." "You know what's really scary about it?" "That new AIDS shit." "AIDS is scary 'cos it kills motherfucker AIDS!" "It ain't like the good ol' days when venereal disease was simple." "In the good old days, you got gonorhea, you take hurt, you get a shot, cleared right out." "Then they came out with herpies, you keep that shit forever like luggage." "And now they got AIDS, that AIDS kills motherfucker." "I said what's next, you just put your dick in it and explodes !" "And the girl would be on the bed:" ""Maybe I should see a doctor about it..."" "Kills people !" "It petrifies me 'cos girls be hanging out with them." "And one night they can be in a club having fun with a gay, give them a regular kiss and go home with AIDS on their lips !" "And then when her husband, like five years later?" ""AIDS?" "!" "But I'm not homosexual!"" ""Sure you're not homosexual..."" "All the diseases scare me 'cos I'm like these..." "these are fuck years for me, like I'm..." "I'm in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now !" "These are the years to fuck !" "This is when you do your best fuck and you just start to learn your body and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck..." "Like 18 years old, let me hear you on that in the audience !" "They don't know how to fuck yet, see." "You get 22, you start movin' all this shit, makin' faces, everybody think fuck faces they're cool, motherfucker thing." "You don't do that when you're 18, you just won't express that 'cos you're too surprised you're fuckin'." "Plus you don't have no dick control when you're 18 !" "Ever been sitting around when you was young man, just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing ?" "You're just sitting there and your dick's here: "What's going on out there?"" "That's when the teacher say: "Mr Murphy, would you come over by the board?"" ""No, that's allright." "I'll take the zero."" "You really don't have control at all." "It's even hard to find the pussy when you're 18." "Ever had that guy, you'd be searching for the pussy down there and the dick be sliding down and shit, and the girl be going: "That's not it..."" ""Is there any problem ?" "No, ain't no problem, baby."" ""You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?"" "And this is the bussiness to be in if you want the pussy." "That's why I got in show bussiness, for pussy." "I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck, I'm fucking everybody." "And it's like that too." "When you do TV-shows, women would be throwing pussy at me on the street like frisbee." ""Ed !" "Thank you !" "Appreciate that !"" "Too much pussy, pussy would be falling outta my pocket." "Walking out the street, you say:" ""Oh, watch your step, that's mine."" "Being a comic though ain't like being no singer." "The singers get all the pussy." "Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody." "Bus Boys would fuck anything that moves." "Come to my house to fix up women." "They don't play." "Singers gets pussy. 'cos you don't have to, even you don't have to look good, you can sing and get pussy." "Just be interesting. 'cos this Sex Symbol is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker." "'cos all you have to do is sing, is all about the singing, that is the bussiness, you sing, women go crazy." "Look, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker !" "With big ass lips !" "Mick Jagger's lips are so big black people be going:" ""You got some big ass lips !"" ""These are big motherfucker lips !"" "But he's singing !" "If you sing you'll get over." "Luther Vandross is a big Kentucky Fried Chicken eater motherfucker." "But he put that shit up like...." "And women go:" "Sing !" "'cos all you got to do is sing." "Michael Jackson, who can sing, and he is a good loking guy." "But ain't the most masculine fellow in the world." "That's Michael's hook, his sensivity !" "That's when women begin:" ""Michael's so sensitive..."" "?" "Mike knows, he's really using women?" "might walk up on a girl and they'd be on the audience and say:" ""Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you..."" "And women go: "Whaaaaa !"" "Then, if you don't scream, Michael gets really sensitive and cries on your ass." "Ever hear that record "She's out of my life" ?" ""Tito, give me some tissues."" ""Jermaine, stop teasing."" "You just sing !" "I like do the masculine voices, you know, like Teddy Pendergrass." "Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and:" "And scares the bitches in the liking him." "That motherfucker's crazy, throw your panties on the stage." "That's with Ted, I like Elvis Presley !" "Really !" "?" "When Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker." "Elvis was bad !" "He was vicious." "Sing his ass all." "He sang so good, they let him do movies, he couldn't act." "They said:" ""Fuck it !" "Let him sing all his dialogues !"" ""Elvis, we got to win this race!" "We got to win this race...."" ""Elvis, want some lemonade?" "Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink...."" "Let him sing 'till he was older too, Elvis was 42 years old." "?" "he would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit ...and his buttcheeks sticking out and shit... looking like he had to shit out walking on the stage like this..." ""Excuse me."" "Sing !" "That's the key to it." "You don't even have to be able to talk." "Just sing and get famous." "James Brown's been singing for 20 years." "I don't know what the fuck James is talkin' about !" "I don't understand shit James says !" "I met him once?" "And whatever James is saying is a really heavy shit to James." "'cos at the end of every sentence he ended up with:" "He meant that shit that he just said !" "That's a James Brown lyric." "He wrote that shit !" "He's writing a song and:" ""I need a word in here:" "Heaay !"" ""That's good !"" "Band be going:" ""What the fuck is James talking about?"" "'Cos I..." "I did Stevie Wonder on a show once." "And black people lost their motherfucker mind !" "I have brothers rawling up on me and "Hey !" "You the motherfucker that'd been doing Stevie Wonder?"" ""That shit ain't funny, motherfucker !"" ""Don't you never let me see you do that shit again !" "I'll fuck you up !"" ""Stevie Wonder is a musical genius !"" "That's terrible !" "That's terrible, man !" "Your mother?" "I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago, I said, ":" "Look, Steve, I got 2 months ?" ""I don't like doin', I ain't doing this shit no more." Stevie says: "Well I feel that..."" ""Shut the fuck up !"" "'Cos you gotta cut Steve off quick, 'cos if he starts rolling he talks your ears off." "You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up to give one of those long ass acceptance speeches ?" ""And the winner is Stevie Wonder !"" "'..." "God's chosen and..." "Just take the motherfucker award and get the fuck out !"" "'cos if you don't say that the credits will be rolling and Stevie going: "And I'd like to thank..."" "I've been in the car and said:" ""Just shut the fuck up, Steve!"" "I'm telling you, genius and all that shit, but you're my boy, man, we're hanging and, I mean, like, it's nice and shit but I don't appreciate all this ?" "And personally, the piano and the singing, I told you how I feel about singing..." ""..." "I ain't impressed."" ""You wanna impress me?" "Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker !"" ""I heard that shit, man !" "That shit wasn't funny !"" "They are supposed ?" "in the sketch Stevie crash in a tree, right?" "Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker !" ""Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick stain, motherfucker !"" ""Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and it bits and chews like this !"" ""Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit !"" "It's hot as fuck in here !" ""Take it off !"" "No, I can't take it off." "Maybe ladies would run up the place holding their pussies going: "Aaaah !"" "What's going on over there ?" "Ladies run down the street and... can't do that." "Do we have any icecream men around here ?" "Remember when the icecream man used to come to town when you was little ?" "And no matter what you was doing you would stop and lose your fucking mind !" "There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it." "And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away." "They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherfucker icecream truck." "And no matter what was was going on, the iceman came, it stopped." "You be gettin' some marbles and shit, you hear:" ""Icecream !" "Icecream !" "The icecream man is coming !" "The icecream man is coming !"" ""Mom !" "Mom !" "Throw down some money !"" ""The icecream man is coming !"" "Then your mother come to the window and be throwing change and say:" "?" "and bring back my change." "?" "and run down the street, top speed." "Chasing icecream truck and:" ""Icecream !"" "Icecream man always drove extra blocks away." "And I know he's seen us and shit, but I think he just" "Yuo'd be behind the truck and going: "Icecream !"" ""Thank you, icecream man !" "Thank you !"" ""I have some icecream, I have some icecream, and I'm gonna eat it all, I'm gonna eat it all..."" "The icecream be running down your arm and shit" ""You don't have no icecream!" "You didn't get none !" "You didn't get none !" ""'cos you are under wellfare, you can't afford it" "Other kids would join in: "You can't afford it, and his father is an alcoholic !"" ""You dropped your icecream, you dropped your icecream..."" "Eat it." "I could drop my icecream in a pile of shit and eat it." "I would just ?" "Unless your mother catch you doin' that nasty shit, though." "My mother caught me doing that, would be like:" ""Put it down !" And you dropped that shit, quick !" "?" "Anybody had some mother that hits you with a shoe ?" "I had a mother, that was so ashoed she would do at the drop of a dime." "And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming." "And bad with the shoe, she was like Clint Eastwood with the gun, ?" "my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe." "And you fucked up, my mom was walking the room just like:" ""Why did you eat your icecream off the floor ?" "I didn't, I just..."" "Bad !" "Accurate !" "You'd be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing cereals off the countergore: "Mom, can we get this ?"" "" I guess not !"" "And could be doing three different things, be on the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this hand have the phone like this and be sayin' "Yeah, mama, hold on a second."" "Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be dressed up and had them high heels on." "Them pump, 'cos then she gets boomerang action going on your ass !" "And fuck you up in your room, you won't even know what the fuck happened." "They can hear you when you're getting ready to go out your door ?" "that mother hearing and shit and:" ""Wait a minute, baby."" ""Let's go."" "She was the one who did all the disciplining around the house and shit." "And I remember when I first went to... my first contact with a white family, it freaked me out.?" "" "And I was there, I found some white kids cursing down the house !" "That fucked me up !" "When I was little I couldn't believe this shit." "I couldn't even say "damn" around my house?" "I got in trouble for saying shit the wrong way." "And I was standing like:" "And if I tried to pull some shit like that in my house? "Ed, you're a little late !"" ""Oh, come on, pop, shit, what is this!" "Come on, damn !" My pop just go:" ""That motherfucker's crazy !"" "Remember in the old days when you could beat up a woman ?" "Remember that shit back in the 20's, the guys just smacked their wives in the movies..." "And they just go:" "You can't do shit like that no more." "Women be takin' aerobics, and they'll fuck you up now !" "It's scary too, man !" "Especially a black one." "When you hit a black woman she lose her mind !" "Seriously." "They go crazy, you can have a really timid sister for a girl, and smack it like:" ""I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker !" "You don't hit me like that !" "You don't hit me shit !" ""You don't put your hands on my face !" ""Baby, please, stop !" "Baby, please... stop !" "Baby, hold on, stop, please !"" ""Calm down, baby, calm down !" "You don't hit me, motherfucker !"" "I had a girlfriend once, I smacked her and got all cool and shit." "And then she got cool and scared me more and I just left." "?"I don't want to do that shit, baby !" "But you brought that shit ?" ""Why don't you just go to sleep !"" "We guys are fucked out !" "People are changing." "Men are changing too, this shit the guys do now you couldn't do what they did 30 years ago." "In the old days, you had an argument with your girl in the car, she say: "Let me out of here !"" "Men would say:" ""No, no, we can't have any of that."" "And nowadays a woman say that shit, dude: "Get the fuck out !"" "Somebody broke a wind in here !" "I've been trying like not ?" "That's some long-distance fart, too, boy." "Don't do, I know you can?" "It's nasty !" "You play the fart game." "I think deep down inside people want to smell other people's farts." "'Cos you smell them." "And people always tell you they farted." "They say: "I farted." You don't leave, you pause a second. "Yeah, you did !"" "'cos in the back of your mind you wanna ?" "the fart. 'cos if it smells bad, two years later be going:" ""Remember that fart you ?" "two years ago ?"" "The fart game you play." "Start off around the house when you're little." "Your father" "You'd be sitting in the house on a Sunday morning, watching cartoons and your father make a fart and:" ""That wasn't me, that was your mother."" ""Oh, baby, baby !" "I want a divorce, uh !" "You're rotten, baby, shit !"" ""That was a good one, too !" "My mouth was open." "My mouth was open on that !"" "Me and my big brother used to play at it.?" "We played the fart game." ""I think it's smelly !"" ""I'm G.I Joe, I'm swimming on the water..."" "And my big brother was sitting ?" "?" "..." "G.I. Joe up my ass..." "My mother: "What the fuck is going on over here ?"" "?" "Anybody bring a camera?" "Is it ?" "?" "Does its flash go immediately?" "Like I don't have to be waiting like my aunt and shit "Wait a second now !"" "They try to press it and the shit don't work they be going like: "There's something wrong with it..."" "And it go immediately the flash." "Are you sure?" "I'll take a picture of the crowd, for myself." "OK, y'all come over here on this now ?" "You know ?" "I'll take two of them." "This ain't no instamatic motherfucker !" "I got to wait for the flash and shit !" "See the brothers sitting in the back go:" ""All this money to take his motherfucking pictures !"" ""Hey, man, I said one fuckin' picture !"" ""You're going to ruin my fucking film, man." "Come on, shit !"" ""Who the fuck do you think you are, man !"" "I'll see you explain the last one to the guy at the Photomat." ""That's a picture of Eddie Murphy's dick..."" "You know what would be a good picture?" "Can all the brothers stand up ?" "All the brothers in the audience?" "Straight up !" "Everybody up !" "Straight up !" "I'm serious !" "What the fuck are you doing ?" "Will you, motherfucker stand up ?" "Up !" "And all the ladies get the cameras up." "We're gonna set the record straight here." "When I say go, everybody ?" "Someone is still standing." "You must be italian !" "?" "ew got some shit on us !" "?" "We got all this shit!" "We got the dick hanging down !" "Dicks down to this motherfucker !" "You don't believe it." "White men don't believe it." "What's funny about it, white people are the ones that made up the rumor." ""You know, black people have tremendous dicks, but I don't believe it !"" "?" "You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa ?" "Big ass piece of bone dick on the floor." ""What is this shit ?" "It's an old dried up dick."" ""That means the first dick belonged to a black man."" "Dicks." "We got the shit for it." "We got nice asses, too. ?" ""All right, man !" "All right, maaan !"" "I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend, Doug's ass is way up here on his back." "Ain't it, Doug ?" "?" "Everytime you see a brother in a wheel chair he ain't always cripple." "He's got big shit hanging down !" "That's why ?" "Smiling and shit." "If I had no balls I wouldn't be smiling this shit." ""I don't have any dick !"" ""Want me stir it for you ?"" "That's some true shit." "What's today's date ?" "Come on, you wanna eat?" "And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny." "My aunt Bunny has a moustache and shit !" "You know what them lady moustache is?" "It was really cool, back when she was 20?" "Then when they get about 45 my aunt Bunny got a Billy Dee Williams' look." "The shit is bigger than a man's and shit !" "Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds" "Soon as she walked on the door was like:" ""Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby."" "Then you go: "Waaaaa!"" "And my mom would say:" ""Why don't you go and kiss your aunt Bunny ?"" "Kids don't give a fuck, they go:" ""She's got a moustache !"" "Why do kids move so slow when they be crying?" ""Stop making all that noise !"" "" I said shut up !"" ""God please kill her !"" ""I hope she gets hit by a truck and die !"" ""I hate her !" "I hate her !" "I hate her !" "I hate her !"" "Than my pop starts talking." "And my pop is fucked up every 4th of July !"" "Black men like to clean the house when they're drunk." "?"It's my house !"" ""You know that it is ?" "And if you don't like it, you get the fuck out !"" ""I don't give a fuck !"" ""I don't give a..." "I pay the motherfucker bills in this motherfucker !"" ""And, hey..." "Kiss my ass if you don't like it !"" ""Yes !" "Yes, motherfucker, yes !" 'cos you know what it is?" "You know what it is?" "I'm drunk." "So what?" "Beautiful !" "I'm drunk." "I'm drunk !" "So what?" "I'm drunk." ""You know what ?" "I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen," "I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfucker house."" ""So, fuck it !"" "Then he attacks the whole family, like:" ""Gus !" "Gus, can I ask you a question?"" ""Why is the fire so big ?"" ""Why you made the fire so big ?" "Look at this shit !" "Is a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus !"" ""The fire is too motherfucker big !" "Why ?" "You're coming in every motherfuckin' year, Gus..."" ""...and you burn out my motherfucker backyard !" "Why ?"" ""I'm cooking motherfucker hamburgers this big ?" "I'm not cookin' no motherfucker brontosaurus burgers in this motherfucker !"" "This ain't the motherfucker Flintstones, Gus !" "It's my house, motherfucker !"" "Look at Charlie standing over there with 3rd degree burns on it !" "?" ""You're gettin' the fuck..." "I know you're seven !"" ""But you'll be a seven year old walkin' the dog no house motherfucker !"" ""Watch it:" "Coco !" "Where the fuck is it goin' ?" "The dog's stupid !" "'cos you don't spend time with the motherfucker."" "I'm supposed to work hard all day and come home to feed the motherfucking dog ?" "Fuck no, I'm not feeding the motherfucker !"" ""I walk to the dog and I kick the motherfucker !"" ""I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie !" "I did not kick it with my motherfucker asshole."" ""'cos I hate the motherfucker !" "'cos you don't clean up behind it !" ""This ain't Scooby-Doo motherfucker !"" ""The shit is hard as a rock now !" "It's like a motherfucker furniture in there !"" ""It's a coffee table now !" "Why can't you clean up shit ?"" ""'Cos my children don't listen !"" "Then my aunt Bunny was falling down the steps." "Almost every year." "Ever had a heavy aunt falling down the steps?" "Make a whole motherfucking noise !" "It's scary, too, 'cos they'll be calling Jesus on the way down !" "And aunts don't like to fall straight down the steps like a kid, they'll be trying to break the fall and hold it and stop the shit." "And that's what makes the fall take a half hour, it is." "Real loud, like:" ""Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord, please, Jesus, please !"" ""Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I'm falling down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please !"" ""My shoe !"" ""Oh lord Jesus God help us !"" ""I'm half way down now help my lord Jesus !"" ""Lilian !" "What is all that fuckin' noise ?" "!"" ""Lilian !" "The bitch is falling down the steps again !"" ""Lilian !" "Lilian !" "What's wrong, Bunny ?"" ""I fell down the steps !"" ""Bunny fell down the steps !" "Bunny fell down the steps !" "Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny something cool for her head !"" ""What happened ?" "Bunny fell down the steps !"" ""Hey, Charlie !" "Aunt Bunny fell down the steps !"" ""Gus !" "What the fuck is wrong with your wife ?"" ""Why can't she walk the fryer steps?" "You come up every fuckin' year, Gus..."" ""... and you burn down my motherfucker backyard and your wife rips down the steps !"" ""Why ?" "I work hard to get my place beautiful..."" ""...and then the motherfucker come over and rips the steps down !"" ""Look at the motherfucker steps !" "They're fucked up, Gus !"" ""Why can't she walk the steps ?" "You know why she can't walk the steps ?"" ""'cos she's a fat hairy bitch !" "That's why !"" ""That's why, Gus !" "And my children are afraid of your wife."" ""Eddie's afraid of her !" "He has nightmares about your wife !"" "I went to his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me !"" ""I just walk up to him, shake him, ask:" "What's wrong ?" "He said:" "Aunt Bunny is coming to get me !"" ""He's afraid of your wife, 'cos she has a bigger moustache than his father !"" "But you know what it is, Gus !" "I figured out about your wife." "And I'm gonna say it.." "?" "I figured out about your wife." "I know where you met your wife." "You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfucker campus trip..." ""...and that your wife was portorican." "Your wife ain't no motherfucker portorican !"" ""I thought she wasn't from the first minute 'cos I walked up to her I said: "Hi, my name is Vernon."" "And she said: "Hello, I'm Bunny." "Guni gugu !"" ""What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus ?"" ""I don't know what the fuck that shit is as to this day." "I thought I learned some new spanish shit !"" "I went up to my friend: "Hey, Sanchez !" "Guni gugu !" "And Sanchez says: "Get the fuck outta here !"" "?" "And I finally figured out about your wife, where you met your wife." ""You didn't meet your motherfucker wife on no campus trip !"" ""Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus ?"" ""Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she, that's why the bitch's mustache is so motherfucker thick !"" ""'Cos she shaves that shit in order to speak !"" ""I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one !"" ""You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus ?" "On my children ?"" "The bitch can't talk, she can't walk the fryer steps !" "She's not trained well, Gus !"" "She can not walk steps." "I bet she climb the fuck of a tree though, don't she, Gus ?"" ""Doesn't she ?" "Doesn't she ?"" ""But you had to bring her out here !"" "Fuck her !" "And your motherfucker children?" "They're Bigfeet too !" "They're half Bigfoot, Gus." "?" "Guni gugu !" ""I said, what the fuck is going on here ?"" ""Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus !" "But I'll tell you somethin' motherfucker !"" "You can take your motherfucker hairy fat ass white mustache bitch?" ""you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit..."" ""and take Eddie and get these motherfucker long Angela Davis afro-ware motherfucker kids?" "..." ""...and put them in the motherfucker guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out !"" ""And if my wife don't like it she can get the fuck out too !"" ""You missed me, bitch !"" "Thank you !" "Oh, Jesus." "Oh, shit..." "I'm in Washington D.C. !" "Jesus !" "Christ !" "Well, tell us something we don't know, motherfucker !" "Who's that boy on..." "Harold Washington ?" "Harold Washington said: "Fuck it !" And won." "I know he's still sitting around and:" ""I really won the motherfucker?"" "I've seen Jesse in the gym, working the fuck out, too, for getting into shape." "He knows if he wins, you know he's got a chance to win." "White do like to do shit like that, vote for the wrong dude as a goof." "They get drunk and shit and go like:" ""Let's vote for Jesse Jackson !"" ""I just voted for Jesse Jackson !"" "And next day would be like this: "He fuckin' won?"" "Jesse knows this shit can happen." "He gets in shape." "I've seen him running round the track and shit." "I said: "Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?" He says: ""cos I'm gonna be the first black president."" ""I have to give speeches like this:" "My fellow americans !" "As your president I feel?" "aaa" "And dude be on:" ""He won't stand still !"" "I went to Texas to look at the racism, about two months ago." "I showed up in Texas, got off the plane and shit, walked up looking for racism." "My friends always told me: "You better not go to Texas !" "They'll fuck you up !"" "?"What !" "They're fucking nobody !"" "Brothers act like they couldn't been slaves back 200 years ago?" ""I was a slave;" "I was fucked?" "!"" "The first dude that got off that boat said that shit:" "?"Fuck you, motherfucker !"" ""Just keep that fuckin' shit away from me !"" "I got out of this motherfucker plane, walked ?" "my bag, my black leather, big ass ?" "?"Is that your bag ?" I said: "Yes, my fuckin' bag !"" ""Why, motherfucker ?" "A black man can't have a suitcase ?"" "And the dude is like:" ""What the fuck's wrong with this guy ?"" "Wasn't that bad at all." "I'm winded." "I'm out of breath." "Sweating and shit." ""Take off your shirt!" "Shut up, bitch!"" "Everybody makes fun of chinese when they order some food up and shit." "?" ""Very funny." "Very funny."" ""Make a special Wan-Tan soup for him..."" "I wonder if they have, like the McDonald's in China ?" "Chinese people would be walking and say: "Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake, a large order fry and a cherry pie."" "And dude say: "Big Mac, strawberry shake, large order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up."" "That's a fucked up language too, chinese." "Hard to learn." "I wanna learn to speak spanish." "That's the shit." "You know what I'd really want to speak?" "I'd like to learn how to speak french, 'cos that's some cool shit, french." "You want to say "I got a shit" in french it would sound good:" "That sounds good." "I don't like the shit like arabic." "Like the motherfuckers are speaking in the 7-11." "That shit's fucked for me." "It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting like:" "That's a word in arabic:" "That means some shit in it !" ""Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?"" ""Never mind, man."" ""I don't want no hakana on my bread, motherfucker !"" "Spanish language." "You know why I want to learn how to speak spanish?" "I was always a Ricky Ricardo fan." "?" "When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying:" "Ricky would lose his mind." "Ricky was cool and shit" "He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like:" ""It's justa ridiculous !"" ""Hey, Fred !" "How would you like to fuck me up the ass ?"" "TV is all screwed..." "Any kids here ?" "I mean, little kids." "I don't like you bringing those kids down here." "How old are you, man ?" "How old ?" "13 ?" "Oh, you're gonna be fucked up when you leave." ""Dad !" "What's a dick, what is that ?"" "How old is the other girl, over there ?" "Oh, you're all fucked up now !" "I know you'd be saying: "A dick is this big !"" "The kid's gonna be waking up and:" ""A negro's dick's coming to get me mom !"" "I'm gonna tell you a joke you all can tell in school, all right, 'cos I've been telling this dirty stuff." "OK?" "Here's a little joke..." "You ought to listen to it too." "I know lots of times people seen my show and then go to work and try to tell and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit." ""...and then he said guni gugu !"" ""And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!"" ""Hey, I'm Mr. T, I'll rip your cock off with my ass !"" "And dude be standing all:" ""Yeah, very funny shit, right..."" "Here's a joke you can tell at school, when school starts." "Everybody be quiet now." "Are you listening up ?" "A bear and a rabbit are takin' a shit in the woods." "And the bear turns to the rabbit and says:" ""Excuse me, you have problems with shit sticking to your fur ?"" "And the rabbit says: "No."" "So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit." "I like that joke." "Oh, shit !" "Anybody got cable ?" "I've been watching a lot of cable lately 'cos I'm so mad with it." "Only good TV show now is Star Trek." "That's some good shit !" "I like Captain Kirk, 'cos Captain Kirk would fuck anybody !" "I've seen him beamed down on a planet- ever seen that when he's fucked this dream bitch?" "You gotta be a horny motherfucker to fuck a dream bitch !" "I mean, I'm no racist, but if the bitch is green there's something wrong with the pussy!" "He'll be fucking a mutant and:" "Ship be gettin' all fucked up." "Mr Scott, I like him ?" ", he's all cool and shit." "He's the opposite of Spock." "The ship be all fucked up and Scott say:" ""Captain, the ship?" "She's about to blow !"" ""Let Spock handle it."" "And Spock say: "Mr Scott, why don't you take the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals and point them phasers at them and then use the power from the phasers to regenerate the dylithium crystals and we can get out on the impulse power."" ""Mr Spock !" "It just might wax it !"" ""It just might last, motherfucker !"" "I had fed up with TV and shit" "I've watch, double watched Poltergeist last month." "I've got a question." "Why don't people just leave the house when there's a ghost in the house ?" "Y'all stay in the house too fuckin' more." "Get the fuck out of the house !" "It's very simple:" "If there's a ghost in the house, get the fuck out !" "And not only they're staying in the house with the poltergeist, they invite more people over !" "?" "I would have been gone !" "A ghost say get the fuck out, I would just ?" "out the door!" ""GET OUT !" "Too bad we can't stay, baby !"" "You know, I wanna say something." "I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman and wanted to, a black lady wanted to sing opera..." "What was the name ?" "Mary Anderson?" "And this place was like segregated and she couldn't sing here." "And she couldn't sing in the place." "And here we are, like not even 50 years later, a 22 year old black male on stage getting paid to hold this shit." "God bless America !" "I gotta go now." "Y'all take it easy, bye bye !"