"Thomas Allman!" "Thomas Allman, you have been found unworthy of having existed." "Is that you, mother?" "Your life and all memory of you will be wiped from history." "The void you occupied in the space-time continuum will be allocated to a person who was never given the gift of life." "May they spend their time more wisely." "But, please!" "Why me?" "There must be others who've lived worthless lives!" "All will be judged." "It is complete." "All that remains is to delete your physical form." "Sorry to disturb you, sir." "Reality trouble." "Coffee, sir." "Double caffineated, quadruple sugar." "Nice one." "Ah, Virgil's Aeneid." "Oh, the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy" "The most classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment!" "Yeah, it's the comic book version." "It's good though, man." "Absolutely full of history." "Zap, pow, kersplat, die in bed you Trojan pig-dog, gnyarrg, kerpow." "I see they've remained faithful to the original text." "I'm sure Virgil would have approved." "Kryten, don't discourage him." "It's the only thing he's ever read that doesn't have lift-up flaps." "¿What was that?" "!" "Strange, we've changed course." "Are you sure, Holly?" "There's no course change programmed." "And again!" "Mark one eight zero a complete turn!" "We're heading back to Red Dwarf." "Gimme manual, Hol." "We're locked out!" "This is not a malfunction, there's something controlling the craft!" "Holly, any traffic around?" "Nothing on the local scan." "This isn't possible, there must be" "I am in possession of the human known as Lister." "Do not attempt to resist me." "What happened to him, his voice finally break?" "Who are you?" "Tremble at my name, for I am the Inquisitor!" "The Inquisitor!" "Your vessel is under my control." "It will return you to your mother ship where you will face judgment." "You will each present a case to justify your existence." "If you fail, you will be deleted!" "Are you okay, sir?" "Yeah." "God, I think so." "A little bit shaky." "I think we should run you through the Mediscan, though, just as a precaution." "Yeah, okay." "So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor?"" "Only as a myth;" "a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire," "wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!" "A simple "yes" would have sufficed." "So who is he?" "Yeah, what's his beef?" "Well, the legend tells of a droid - a self-repairing simulant, who survives till the end of eternity;" "to the end of time itself." "After millions of years alone, he finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to lead a worthwhile life." "And so the 'droid constructs a time machine, and roams eternity, visiting every single soul in history, and assessing each one." "He erases all those who have wasted their lives and replaces them with those who never had a chance of life - the unfertilized eggs, the sperms that never made it." "THAT is the Inquisitor - he prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless!" "We're in big trouble." "Wait a minute!" "Who's to say what's worthless?" "Oh please!" "Take a look in the mirror!" "Read your entry in "Who's Nobody!"" "No, I mean it!" "Who's to judge?" "Who's to say what's worthwhile?" "Well, let's face it, Listy, lying on your bunk, reading "What Bike?"" "and eating sugar puff sandwiches for eight hours every day is unlikely to qualify." "So just because I haven't written any symphonies or painted the Sistine Chapel, that makes me prunable?" "No, being a totally worthless,unwashed space bum, that's what makes you prunable." "Precisely." "The criterion is not fame, it is simply to have lived a worthwhile life." "Why did no one mention this before?" "If I had been told this at the start,that the object was to lead a worthwhile life," "I could have done something about it!" "All those charity telethons when I used to ring in and pledge donations - if I had known this, I would have given them my credit card number!" "You simply have to have lead a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving!" "You're doing this on purpose, aren't you!" "I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir!" "Well shut up then!" "Hang on a minute, why should we have to take any notice of some half-crazed rogue robot who's appointed himself judge and jury to the whole of humanity?" "Why should we kowtow to his judgment?" "Because I have the power to snap your body in two like a dry reed!" "Good answer, man, good answer!" "So where is he?" "See me now and tremble!" "The Inquisition begins!" "Prove to me you are worthy of the honor of life, or drink deeply from the well of nothingness for all eternity!" "I hate these either-or questions." "Who is to be first?" "Lister." "The hologram." "You shall be first." "Pardon?" "You have been granted the greatest gift of all:the gift of life." "Tell me," "what you have done to deserve this superlative good fortune?" "Well, I say this with the highest respect, but what gives you the right to ask - no, actually - demand that answer of me," "Your Magnificence?" "All must answer to the Inquisitor!" "But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?" "Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge shall be yourself!" "Oh smeg!" ""Oh smeg," indeed, matey!" "Everyone is judged by their own self?" "It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way." "Now then, justify yourself." "Well, first I" "Liar!" "I've done good things." "No, you haven't!" "In my heart, I've always tried to do good things." "No, you didn't." "Look, in my way, I've tried to lead a good life." "When?" "You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green-discharge of a man, aren't you?" "Well... sort of, yes." "So then, _justify_ yourself!" "What else could I have been?" "My father was a half-crazed military failure, my mother was a bitch-queen from hell." "My brothers had all the looks and talent." "What did I have?" "Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails." "Yes, I admit I'm nothing." "But from what I started with, nothing is up." "Hi, buddy!" "This is your judgment day, bud." "I gotta be cruel!" "There can be no favors." "I'm hearing you on FM!" "I have to ask you the question:" "justify your existence - what contribution have you made?" "I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!" "Well, that's true." "Can I go now?" "That's your case?" "!" "You need more?" "Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument." "Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy." "But a shallow guy with a great ass!" "Sometimes you astonish even me!" "Thank you!" "Well Kryten, justify yourself." "I'm not sure I can." "But surely your life is replete with good works." "There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life." "But I am programmed to live unselfishly." "And therefore, any good works I do come not out of fine motives but as a result of a series of binary commands" "I am compelled to obey." "Well then, how can any mechanical justify himself?" "Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently." "Your argument invites deletion." "The rules are yours, not mine." "Do you wish to be erased?" "Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything." "I serve." "In a human, this behavior might be considered stubborn." "But I am not human, and neither are you." "And it is not our place to judge them." "I wonder why you do?" "Enough!" "Well!" "Get out of this one, smeghead!" "What're you talkin' about?" "You know what you coulda made of your life, if you tried." "What you coulda become." "So?" "You've got brains, man!" "Brains you've never used!" "So?" "So, justify yourself!" "Spin on it!" "The Inquisition is over." "I have reached my verdict." "Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have been." "You have lived without merit, and so not lived at all!" "You scum!" "You've wiped them out!" "Sir!" "He's crazy, Kryten!" "He's erased the Cat and Rimmer!" "They are quite safe." "Sir..." "I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased." "Ah." "The Cat has lead a more worthwhile life than either of us?" "He is a shallow and selfish creature, as is the hologram." "By their own low standards they have acquitted themselves." "Whereas you and the mechanoid could have been so much more." "What's this?" "Best guess:" "we are being surgically removed from time." "Every memory of us, every action we ever performed is being dissolved." "Our lives are being undone." "It is complete." "The time-lines are knitted." "Causality is healed." "All that remains is to remove your physical forms from existence." "Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve," "Kryten, now's the time to mention it." "No plan, sir." "No sleeves." "Perfect!" "Ah, now, what did I do next?" "Now, hurry!" "Take the gauntlet and go!" "What the smeg is goin' on?" "I don't have time to explain!" "I've come from the future to rescue you." "Now you must go!" "Hurry!" "What about me?" "I mean... you..." "I mean... us?" "I'm afraid we get killed." "Killed?" "How?" "While I'm standing here explaining this to you, the Inquisitor jumps me from behind, like this." "I forgot to say, before you reach the final confrontation in the storage bay you must have decoded the gauntlet's controls." "How?" "Can you give us a clue?" "Well, I cannot explain." "For some bizarre reason my final words are "Enig. "" ""Enig?" "!"" "Yeah, enig" "Come on sir, we have to go!" "He's just killed you, Kryten!" "Sir!" "We have to go!" "You are not registered as personnel of this vessel." "Please state your name and clearance code." "It's us, Hol!" "Please state your name and clearance code." "Lister, D. Treble zero, one six nine." "I have no record of your palm-print." "Intruder Alert!" "Intruder Alert!" "Initiating Override!" "Please state your name and clearance code." "Logon name:" "Kryten." "Registration code:" "Additional zero zero one." "I have no record of your CPU ident." "We don't exist here anymore!" "Tear gas!" "Oh, thank god it's you guys." "Move so much as an eyebrow, and you're dogmeat." "What?" "It's us!" "Who are you people and what do you want?" "Rimmer!" "It's me!" "How do you know my name?" "Don't fall for that one, buddy, he read it on your uniform!" "Sir, they've never met us before." "We are limbo people, between realities." "They have no memory of us." "So, I'm going to ask you one more time: what do you want?" "Yo, we're not the enemy!" "There's a guy 'round 'ere somewhere, wandering' 'round obliteratin' people from history!" "We used to be your shipmates." "Only we've forgotten you." "Yeah!" "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm convinced." "Rimmer, I know you!" "Well, if you do know me, you'll know I'm the kind of rough-and- tumble, hardened Astro, ex-Marine type guy you do _not_ trifle with." "No, you're not!" "For the last time, I'm asking" "Fiona Barringson!" "Fifteen years of age." "You got off with her in your Dad's greenhouse." "You thought you got lucky but it turned out all the time that you had your hand in warm compost." "How could I know that, and not know you?" "Not true!" "You got three brothers:" "John, Howard, and Frank." "You're really mean with money." "You're a tremendous physical coward." "You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard, and four people committed suicide!" "Gotta admit, bud, he's got a handle on ya there." "Sirs, you've got to help us!" "The Inquisitor will stop at nothing to obliterate us!" "Look, they're from some freaky alternative dimension, they've come here to hijack this ship and do... oooh, weird things to us." "I think we should take the lift, put them on the security deck and stick them in the brig." "I hate to say it, but for once TransAm-wheel-arch-nostrils is right." "Come on, get moving!" "What did you call me?" "C'mon," "let's go!" "C'mon!" "What's the point?" "Why am I tryin' to get outta this?" "We already know we fail." "Not so, sir!" "All we know is that I die." "Now, if my small gambit ultimately results in your safety, then it will be a move well made." "For myself, death holds no fear." "Oh yeah?" "Sir, I am programmed to relinquish my life." "That's why the Mechanoid 4000 series was voted "Android of the Year" five years running!" "I have as much interest in saving my own life as a chronically-depressed lemming." "That's not true, is it?" "Sir?" "Not anymore." "And it's all because of me." "It's my fault." "'Cause I made ya break your programming'." "I taught ya how to lie." "How to make your own decisions." "I made you more... more human." "I gave you a life to lose." "Sir, with the greatest respect, that is complete and utter shash." "Kryten, I know when you're lying." "Your right foot jiggles." "It's involuntary." "Nonsense." "I'm not afraid to die." "For me, death holds no fear." "I believe in Silicon Heaven!" "I believe in an afterlife for androids!" "Haven't you got through those damn manacles yet!" "?" "Kryten!" "I'm not gonna let it happen, man." "Cause and effect, sir." "It already has happened." "There's nothing we can do except to try and save your life." "Okay, now I think I have this, it's a variant of the Enigma decoding system." "Enigma!" "Enig" " Enigma!" ""Enig," of course!" "My last words!" "Well, anyway, if this thing works, it should age those manacles by half a million years." "If it doesn't work?" "It'll wipe out the universe." "Phew." "What now?" "Well now, we have the power." "Okay, we don't know who you are, but we've seen enough of the other dude to know we wanna be on your side." "He killed our two crew-mates in cold blood, he's a monster." "I'm the Cat, this is Rimmer." "Yeah." "Lister." "Kryten." "Look, I want to make it clear, I'm not exactly in love with the idea of pitching in with you two, but needs must as the devil drives." "You really don't remember me, do ya?" "Everything I did used to get on your pecks." "How I used to be trimming' me toenails with your electric meat-carver or something, and you'd go absolutely spare." "Sir, we really must get down to the storage bay." "Now remember my message to us - that is where we meet the Inquisitor for the final confrontation." "That's your plan?" "We go out there and face him?" "Nice plan." "Shall I paint a bullseye on my face?" "Listen, Kryten, I've been thinkin' about this," " I've come up with somethin'." " Yes, sir?" "I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life." "Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?" "Gimme the time gauntlet." "But you don't know how to use it, sir!" "You'll have to shout out instructions, won't ya?" "Wouldn't it be simpler if I wore it?" "You can't wear it, Kryten!" "Why not?" "You're programmed not to kill." "So, the mortals seek to challenge my mastery!" "Kryten, I don't know how to work this thing." "Gamma, delta, one four five." "Smeg!" "You youthed me!" "The sport begins!" "Now what the smeg have ya done to me?" "Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?" "Huh?" "Excuse me, could I possibly just distract you for just a brief second?" "It was the best I could ad-lib at the time." "He got the Cat and Rimmer, though." "I know." "Look sir, I've got to go back in time and sacrifice myself in order that we can get into this mess we're in now in the first place." "Yeah, sure." "All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer, hasn't it, sir?" "How long before he unfreezes?" "Ten minutes?" "No." "Eight point four." "We'd better be right, Kryten." "I know." "Gauntlets." "Now what do I say when I pop up behind the Inquisitor?" "Uh... "Perfect, now what do I-"" "That's it, that's it." "Don't tell me" " I've got it." "Don't tell me" " I've got it, I've got it." "OK, big fella, it's dangling' time." "Welcome back on-line." "What are you doing?" "One way or the other, you killed a lot of my friends this afternoon." "In fact, you may never get on my good side again." "So now you're going to kill me?" "I don't think so." "You're a fat little human who doesn't have the balls." "Strong talk for a guy who's dangling over a chasm." "I've seen inside your heart." "You don't have it in you." "Oh yeah?" "Bet your life?" "I never intended to kill you." "Oh, no?" "No." "I intended to save your life." "Save my life?" "Why?" "'Cos if I save your life, and you erase me, then I won't be there to save your life, and you'll die." "Chew on that, pal." "Giving me my gauntlet back?" "Well, I'm allright." "Ya can't touch me." "You might've killed the others, but I'm okay." "Oh, just one thing." "If I erase you from history, you will never have existed to end my life in the first place." "That's a point." "So now, I can erase you quite safely." "Yeah." "Yeah!" "It's the old backfiring-time-gauntlet trick." "You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to oblivion." "But you can't." "All my glorious work will be undone!" " Oh, it worked!" " It worked?" "Kryten, you're a genius!" "It was your scheme, sir." "I simply re-programmed the gauntlet." "So what happens now?" "Well, basically we wait for the time-space continuum to re-order itself." "I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir." "Give you five?" "I can do better than that!" "I can give you fifteen!"