"[JacuzziBoys'"Vizcaya" playing]" "♪♪" "♪ Gonnahaveasmoke♪" "♪' Causethetrain's gonnabeaslow,oh♪" "♪HereIgo♪" "♪Livin'so faraway♪" "♪Viva,Vizcayatoday♪" "♪Ay♪" "♪Ay,ay ♪" "Pleasewelcomeyourhosts, JonahRayandKumailNanjiani!" "[cheers and applause]" " Wow!" "Wow!" " Hey-oh!" " Hello." " Hello, everybody." " Can we get a little more volume on the microphones, please?" " Just a little bit." " Can we get a little more volume on the microphones, please?" "We're making a TV show." "It's our third year doing it." " Yes." " Can we get a little more volume on the microphones, please?" " Yes." " Can we get a little more volume?" "It's so low that you can't hear us asking for more volume." " Can we get a little more volume?" " Yeah, this is run like a government." "Hey, I hope that gets fixed someday." " Ooh, hot take." "Dude, I didn't know you were gonna pull out the big political guns tonight." "Can I get a little more volume?" "Justalittlebit." "Thereitis ." "That'sgood." "How'sitgoing,guys?" " Yeah." "[cheers and applause]" "That won't be part of the show." " What are you doing tonight?" "I know generally when they perform together, it's a music-type of a thing." " Our bit is mostly him." "It's really..." " Got it." " I'm pretty much the straight man of this bit, and it's these two merging together in a musical..." " And the shirt's off as well." " Yeah, in a bunny mask and underwear on his head." " So long until you have to go on, too." "Like, you still have, like, literally a half an hour." " Is this your first time to the show?" "Oh, from Florida." "Wow." "Nice." " Notice you were the only one clapping." "You went to Baja Fish, not Bajá Fish." "You went down to San Pedro." "Yes." "Yeah, nice." " So you tweeted at him while eating a burrito?" " Yeah." " Is there a histo" "Is this--Did you live in San Pedro?" " I lived in San Pedro." " Was it before you lived in Echo Park?" " I don't live in Echo Park." "I never have." "I live in Highland Park." " Oh, I'm sorry." "I got the wrong hipster enclave." " You don't know anything about me." "This is, like, the only time we hang out, and he's like, "Yeah, we're good friends."" " No, I know you." "You're the fucking..." "Seeso, right?" "You're that guy." "You're the guy from Bing." "Bing!" " Yeah, yeah." " You know how I know you're the guy from Bing?" "I Googled it." " I am." " You're Chris Hardwick's assistant." " Yeah." "[laughter]" " There's also a bathroom you can go to." "No?" "Okay." "[indistinct chatter]" " Yeah, yeah, you want in there?" " Oh, there's an actual..." " Oh, boy." " Butt right there." " Yeah." "He doesn't care about showing his body." " Oh, my God, this is actually literally the first time" "I've ever seen the back of balls." "[laughter]" "Like, in my life." "Like, actually the first time" "I've ever seen the back of balls in my life." " You've never seen the back of balls?" " I, like, have to take my jacket off." "I'm so sweaty." " Oh, my God, you're really freaking out over here." "You are a little" "Do you feel a little freer?" " You look a little faint, actually." " It's, like, not what I expected." " Is this your drink?" " Yeah, I want to have a sip of that." " You should drink it." " What's my favorite movie?" " Uh..." " I talked to you about this the other day!" " "Repo Man."" " No, that's in the top ten." "That is in the top ten, but that's just a good guess." "You see a guy with buttons in their 30s, most likely one of their favorite movies is "Repo Man"" "and "Return of the Living Dead."" " "Return of the Living Dead."" " No!" "It's "Ed Wood."" " Oh!" " I talked to you about this the other day." " Yeah." " Your favorite movie's "The Abominable Dr. Phibes."" " Okay." "That's right, but I know stuff about you." "You know stuff about me." "We're friends." " Your hometown is Karachi." " Yep." " What's my hometown?" " Hawaii." " That's the state." "You son of a bitch." " Ah, trick question." "Hawaii City, Hawaii." " No, there is no Hawaii City." " Hawaii City." " It's Kailua." " Yep, that's the one." "All right, your favorite bands?" " Your favorite band-- I know it." "It's Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band." " Yours is..." "You like Yo Soy Tengo." " What?" "[laughter]" "This is the shittiest part about Kumail, is that he knows kind of enough of a lot of things." "My parents' names." "I know yours." " Fuck you." "What are my parents' names?" " Najaiz... and Shabana." " That's a lucky guess." " No, it's not!" "[applause] [electronicmusic]" " Hi." " Hey, how's it going?" " They're really struggling with whether or not I can wear this." "And, honestly, I'm struggling, too." " I have that shirt." " You have that shirt, too?" " I have that shirt not cut off and with sleeves." " Why isn't it?" " Because I don't have the body that you do." " Has anyone in here ever been with a man that has ejaculated with such force and volume that you felt like you were being peed on?" "In the back there?" "I thought I saw a hand." "Okay, well, that confirms it." "I was peed on recently." "Super-cool story about me." "I wish that weren't 100% true." "I'm gonna be alone forever." "Not you two, though." "Are you guys together?" "Wow." "As the knee and the hand meet." "Are you guys in love?" "both:" "Yeah." " Okay." "Immediate response." "That's good." "I guess--How?" "Can you tell me how?" "How did that happen?" "How?" " Instagram." " Instagram?" "Are you fucking kidding right now?" " How was it being gay in Chicago?" "Chicago's a very bigoted place..." " [laughs] No." " In a lot of places." " No." "No, Chicago's great." " Chicago's racist." " It is?" " Chicago's racist." " Chicago's a very racist place." " Chicago's racist." "That's true." " What, you're racist?" " I think the most difficult part about being single for me right now is just, like, all the Saturday and Sunday afternoons" "I spend alone in my bed, just being like," ""Don't masturbate again." "Don't masturbate again." "Don't masturbate again," you know?" "And then having that conflicting voice that pops in and is like," ""Yeah, but who's waiting for all these loads, Joel?" ""You know, like, nobody." ""That's very arrogant of you" ""to assume that anyone's waiting," ""'cause they're not, you know, so set the loads free." "That's what I say." "Just set the loads free."" "If you take one thing home with you tonight, it's "set the loads free."" "Let me hear it." "all:" "Set the loads free!" " Oh, I feel like a prophet." " I want to watch Joel..." " Yeah." " Because he's a sweetie." "This is a Chicago dude." " I kind of want to see Joel." "I just want to see what he does." "Gonna go watch Joel." " You seem to be having a good time." "You like porn?" "You've got the look." "Yes or no?" "We can't continue." " Sure." " Okay, you like porn a lot." "Would you say you love porn?" " Eh..." " Okay, a liar." "We'll move on you over here." "Do you love porn?" "No, not the woman." "I'm sorry." "Do I have a lazy eye?" "I'm looking at you." "[scattered applause]" " Sure, yeah." " You do?" "I love that about you." "That's great." "I guess..." "I guess my..." "I guess my follow-up question for you would be, do you watch a lot of gay porn?" " No." " You don't." "Okay." "Waste of time." "I guess then my final question for you would be, like, how long have you hated gay people?" "You know, like, why?" "We're not good enough for your films?" "That's very hurtful." "I find that personally offensive." "No, I'm just kidding." "I'm sure you're not a homophobe." "I mean, we don't know, but..." "Truly." "It's funny to me now as, like, a single person again," "I talk a lot about it with my straight guy friends, and they're always like," ""Oh, but, Joel, like, you're so lucky." ""Like, I wish I were gay." ""You know, like, if I were gay," ""I'd just be fucking all the time, you know?" ""Like, it'd be a whole new world for me-- just nonstop fucking."" "And it's like, we grade on a much sharper curve in the gay community." "We really do." "Like, in Chicago, where I'm from originally," "I was, like, a seven, you know, and then I moved to New York, and I find out I'm, like, a six on a good day." "And then I come here to Los Angeles, and I find out I'm, like, a solid burn victim, you know." "Like, it's just not... [whimsicalmusic]" " I caught up on a ton of classics this week." "I watched, like, "Cinema Paradiso,"" ""Kramer vs. Kramer," "The Sting."" " Finally, a movie about divorce from the man's perspective." " The first time I ever saw "Kramer vs. Kramer"" "was on visitation with my dad, and I watched it by myself." "[laughter]" "Pleasewelcometothestage  RheaButcher!" "RheaButcher,everybody." "[cheersandapplause]" " Thanks, you guys." "I got on a flight recently, sat down." "Flight attendant came over to me, and she kneeled down a little bit." "She said, "Hey, what can I get for you, young man?"" "And I said directly into her face," ""I'm a woman."" "'Cause I just like saying that now." "I mean, I'm just gonna cut to the chase, you know." "Like, women look all kinds of different ways." "This is one way a woman can look." "Sometimes I just enter rooms." "I just kick the door down, go, bfff!" ""I'm a woman." "Just wanted to let you know." ""Possibilities are endless." "Enjoy your chips."" " Bo, what's up?" "I'm Brett Gelman." "How you doing?" " Are you doing Gelmania?" "Are you doing the whole thing?" " Yeah." " We had a thing the other day." "You don't even know." "I was driving by you, okay?" "You and your girlfriend." "And you were walking the pooch." " Yes." " And I was having a really loud phone conversation in my car." " I didn't" " And then you went, "Yeah, totally"..." " No way." " Into my car." " It was you?" " That was me." "[laughter]" " Baseball's my favorite sport." "I love it so much, and I love it for a couple reasons." "I love it because it's old, it's slow, and nobody likes it." "I'm an only child." "I like to be alone... with the things that I like." "I mean, this is why people don't like baseball." "A perfect game in baseball is when nothing happens." "I've been playing baseball on weekends." "I play on just a little team." "I love to tell people, "I've been playing baseball."" "And nine times out of ten, that person will say to me," ""Don't you mean softball?"" "[audience groans] Exactly, Meltdown." "Exactly." "And it is so sexist-- "Don't you mean softball?"" "It's like, the sexism is twofold in that statement-- ah, a double play, if you will." "[laughter and applause]" "Thank you." "When you say to someone, "Oh, don't you mean softball?"" "is that people think women are so stupid, we don't even know what sport we're actively playing." "Like I'm just at a driving range, going, like," ""Oh, hockey is so much fun." "Why do they fight all the time?"" "I was playing last season." "I was playing second base." "And I was playing with my team-- last game of the season." "Last game of the season, playing second base." "Fielded a grounder, threw it to first base, got the out--that's one." "Another grounder to almost the exact same spot," "I put my glove in the exact same spot." "It went right over, hit me in the face." "It took a wicked hop." "Everybody on that field said it was a wicked hop." "So it hit me in the jaw, and I just took a knee." "And this is where I have to tell you that my wife was out of town, so I decided I'm gonna do it up." "I'm gonna get a dog-sitter." "I'm gonna stay for the whole game, and I'm gonna get a popsicle later." "I'm gonna live it up." "So I realize that after I just got hit in the face with a baseball, and I just stood up and said, "I'm alone,"" "to the entire baseball field... and then went directly to the hospital, because if she was home," "I would wait it out and see what's going on." "But I wanted to get checked out, because I didn't know if I had a concussion, and I think that's the definition of a concussion." "So I wanted to get it checked out, 'cause if I went home and I'm alone, start watching "American Pickers"" "and fall into a honey hole that I can't get back out of, that's bad." "So I went to the doctor and went in, and a nurse took my vitals, and then the RN on duty-- he came in." "He came running in, and he started checking my clipboard." "He's like, "I see she took all your vitals." ""I just have one more question for you." "When was your last menstruation period?"" "And I was like, "Oh, that's a toughie."" "'Cause I can never remember when I have my period unless I'm actively having it, 'cause every day of my life, I am 13-year-old boy... until I have my period or "So Emotional" by Whitney Houston" "comes on the radio." "That one makes me feel like a lady." "[laughter]" "But medical professionals do not like it when you tell them you can't remember when your last period was." "So he's like, "We're gonna have to test your urine."" "And I was like, "We're not gonna do that."" "And he was like, "Well, you might be pregnant."" "And I was like, "Sir"..." ""I am 100% a lesbian-- no sex with men." ""Also, if there's a baby in there," ""it's been cooking for quite some time..." ""like, about 15 years." ""It's got its learner's permit in there." ""I don't think any X-rays are gonna do it any further damage at this point."" "And he just looked up from his clipboard and gave me a high five." "[laughter and applause]" "Thanks, you guys." "I've been Rhea Butcher." "[upbeatmusic] [indistinct chatter onstage]" "Fuckingpiece ofshit." "[laughter]" "Weareveryexcited." "Pleasewelcometo thestage..." "Gelmania." "[cheers and applause] [dark music playing]" " Yo, King Cyrus King, what do you say that we bring the world into Meltdown a little bit right now, huh?" "Why don't we link you in to what's going on in the world right now, baby?" "Yeah!" "[distorted music playing]" " It's already the most intense thing, and this thing isn't even onstage yet." " "This thing"?" "This is a human being." " Okay, wai-- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "[music fades]" "I'm sorry." "That's uncalled for." "Okay, I apologize, guys." "Not cool, not cool." " They don't know the escalation that's coming." "They think this is too much." " This set's not really about me." "I wanted to bring up a friend tonight, who--I met him at the Y, the Hollywood Y, in the gravity Pilates room." "And whenever I'm stressed out, I talk to this guy." "He talks to me, and more than anybody else in my life, really, he" "Get your shoes off of the stage." "You too, asshole." "Okay." "Sorry." "I need this guy just as much as you do." "And he really makes me feel good, and I thought it'd be a real treat if I brought him up here right now to talk to you guys." "What do you think, huh?" "You want to meet him?" "Ladiesandgentlemen,please givea bigroundofapplause formyverygoodfriend..." "Tiny, everybody." "Here he comes." "Give it up for Tiny!" "[measured electronic percussive music playing]" "♪ ♪" " [squealing rhythmically]" "♪ ♪" "[thunderbooms] [cheers and applause] [high-pitched voice] Hi, Brett." " Hi, Tiny." "It's great to see you." "Oh, doesn't he have just such a beautiful singing voice, ladies and gentlemen?" "[cheers and applause]" " I took him out 'cause I knew Brett's act would scare him, 'cause it's just like very loud and a lot of vibrations." " Yeah." " So, Tiny..." "I've been telling them what you've been telling me, and it's really been helping me get through, you know, these hard times." " Yes." " Hey, why don't you tell them what you've been telling me?" " The Earth will be fine." "In the order of the wolf and the crooked knife, the Earth shall speak its true name... death." " Okay, no." "No, I'm sorry." " [squealing] Death." " Tiny!" "Tiny!" "Tiny, stop it, Tiny!" " [continues squealing rhythmically]" "♪ ♪" " I don't know what's happening to me." "♪ ♪" " Sorry." "♪ ♪" "[cheers and applause]" " Oh, my God." " December 19th." " What?" "December 19th." " December 19th." " What does that mean?" "What happens on that day?" " It's a Monday." " No, I know it's a Monday." " Bye, Brett." " Oh." " See you at the YMCA gravity Pilates class." " No, I don't think I'm gonna be" " You're not gonna be there this week?" " No, I will." "I'll see you there." "I'll see you there." "Tiny, ladies and gentlemen." "We are Gelmania." "Thank you very much." "[distorted music playing]" "♪ ♪" " That exceeded all of my expectations." " Beautiful, buddy." "[music flourishes, fades] [laughter and applause]" " Whoo!" " I feel better." "My favorite part was watching people hold each other... as a reminder..." " Whew." " Oh, I just got a text." "It's from Comedy Central." ""What the fuck?"" "Andonemore..." ""You'vebeencanceled,"so... [laughter]"