"OK, go!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "No!" " Gooooooaaal" " No goal!" "OH!" "I scored!" "Whoooo!" " No!" "No!" " Stay with me!" "Goooal!" "Ah!" "Goal, goal, goal, goal, goal!" "Oh!" "I messed up my knee." "Red cards, guys!" " Shut up!" " No, it's, um..." " Bonjour!" " You backpackers..." "Filthy, privileged... always with the, how you say, finding yourselves?" "Huh?" "You come here to France and use it like your personal bidet, non?" "Not this time, mes amis." "I am going to have you on a plane tout de suite!" " No, no, no, no, no, no." " Mm, hey..." "OK, listen, I've dealt with guys like this before." " You have the worst breath right now, man." " You do the talking." "'Cause I'm really drunk and" " I'm going to get us in trouble." " I'll do the talking." "Listen, officer, I have a very good reason for being in your amazingly beautiful empty fountain" " in the middle of Paris in the middle of the night." " It's really nice." "But to really understand it, you're going to have to take off your cop hat and put on your man hat." "You stop, stop, stop talking." "I'm sorry." " OK, you're right." " I just met him today, sir." " You're a jerk." " Let me tell the story, OK?" " I have Embassy." " Shh!" "This all started about a month ago." "OK?" "I'm sitting in a bar with my fiancée." "We're doomed." "Oh, why?" "Did something happen on the news" " while I was in the bathroom?" " Oh, yeah." "Meteor." " A meteor?" " 20 minutes until impact." "20 min..." "How many times can we have sex in 20 minutes?" "4?" "6?" "No!" "I'm talking about our engagement." "Statistically, there's a very good chance that our marriage" " is going to end in divorce." " Statistically, sure, but I mean... we've been together since freshman year." " Look at us!" "We're doing great!" " I'm sure those people think they're doing great, too, and look at them!" "Ketchup." "Oh, they suck." "We're not going to end up like them" "Those people are garbage." "Ryan." "I love you and this fall we are committing to spending the rest of our lives together and neither one of us can say that we've ever had a one-night stand." "Or a holiday fling, or a lesbian experience." " Sorry" " A lesbian experience?" "I'm not just talking about sex." "I'm talking about everything." "Dancing high in a field in a foreign country, or partying for three days straight without any sleep." "Petting a shark and having sex with the marine biologist who cares for the shark." "Sure!" "That's a good one, baby." " That's not weird!" " Ha!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "Have we planted this time bomb of regret that's going to go off in 20 years?" "It starts with festering resentment" " and then... pow!" " You're divorcing me for the guy in your running club." "I get it." "I get it." "So how do we defuse the bomb?" " We need to make a deal." " So... you are telling me, you and your fiancée are..." "How is it you say? "The footloose and fancy free"?" "To sow any remaining oats, to live the crazy life without regret, to have one last 'ha-ha'?" "I believe it's 'Hurrah', but other than that the English was magnifique." " Thank you." " Yeah!" "And my man Ryan here and his fiancée, Beth, they can't communicate they don't share travel plans, they can't call each other, they can't email, they can't even text, man!" "Could have a text, a little text." " You're not sending a text." " Text from time to time." " What if it's a no-word text, it's an emoticon?" " That's worse than a word!" " It's a dot-dot-dot." " It's lame!" "No contact, OK?" "We cannot be in touch with each other during this deal, or we won't feel free to have some guilt-free time." " I'm fine with that." " And when we meet up, no swapping of stories, OK?" "I don't want to know and I don't want you to know what's been going down." "I totally agree." "And then we can get married knowing that there's no regrets standing in the way of you and I" " staying together forever." " It's perfect." "This deal is the only way to save the future marriage." " It's the only way." " It's the only way." "Although I'll say if you do end up, ah... you know, getting down with some other ladies, or whatever, I mean," "I wouldn't mind hearing, just, everything about that." "I'll make sure and journal all about that." "And you?" "What is your role in this erotic adventure?" "I like to think of myself as, kind of, Coach Brandon." "I'm here to get this guy laid, have as much fun as he possibly can travelling through Europe, because if he was on his own, man, I'm telling you this guy..." "You know what I mean?" "Basically, he thinks that he's the best wingman in history." "You are just worried that I'm going to prevent you from buying souvenir spoons for your mom the whole trip." " The spoons are going to take five minutes..." " Stop" "No, he's right." "The spoons'll take longer than that, there's gonna be a lot of spoons" " to choose from." " Ah-ah-ah-ah." "Your story has moved me." "I only wish such a deal had been offered to me by my wife before our marriage." "Maybe then I wouldn't be addicted to prostitutes." " Yeah." " Poor guy." "Ah!" "Seriously that's the worst breath I've ever smelled." "Yeah." "I can smell it." "It's much smaller in the postcards." "What are you..." "Argh!" "French girls sound really sexy when they speak with an English accent." "They can pull off, short hair and they're always halfway through a book." "Awesome!" "This is already way better than our last backpacking trip." "What are you talking about?" "This is our first backpacking trip." "No, no." "Remember that time in second grade where you ran away from home 'cause you broke your retainer?" " Ah." "What's the deal with Dutch girls?" " Oh, Dutch girls are so hot!" "But they don't like it when you ask them to have a threesome" " with their roommate." " That seems specific." "All I did was ask, man." " I just put it out there." " As I recall, you broke my retainer and you did it on purpose." "Well, as I recall, you packed both a ham sandwich and your math homework." "Dude, this is how I hold my baguette." " Get your baguette out of my face!" " Don't touch my baguette." " I'm going to eat it later." " Get it out of my face!" " Ooh!" " Ask me about Icelandic chicks." "What's the deal with Icelandic chicks?" "So hot!" "Most "up for it" girls on the planet." " Really?" "Even Bjork?" " Yeah." "Especially Bjork." " You going to cry?" " Get it out of my face!" "Don't touch my baguette!" "So where are you ladies from?" " Oh!" "We are from Nice." " Nice?" "Hear that place is nice." "Oh, ah!" "Ha!" "Ha!" "My material's gonna kill here." "Un..." "Deux, trois..." "Cheers!" "My French?" "Not that great." " Whoa!" " Stop talking!" "Oh, Paris is crazy!" " It's crazy!" " And I can't place your accent." "It's, like, a mixture of, like, four different things." "I'm going to have sex with this girl, right here." " Do your best!" " Quelque ch... uh.. er..." "What are you doing, Ryan?" " No!" " You want me to say no?" " Yes." " Oh my God." "What are you doing slumming in this hotel?" "I'm just here to meet beautiful women, just like you." "Isn't it obvious?" "Ah!" "Ah." "You write very beautiful, Ryan." "What brings you to a crappy place like this?" " To meet you." " To meet me?" " Mm-hm." " Yeah?" "Oui?" "Such pchtry." "Very beautiful." "But my English is only so-so." "Who is Beth?" "She's the protagonist in a novel that he's writing about a very progressive woman." "But enough about this, uh, this bookworm stuff." "Time to Le Party!" "Oui?" "Did somebody say my middle name?" " No." " No." "First name's Mitchell, but don't call me Mitch." "She was me mum!" "Ah, but feel free to call me his Mitchellness', the Mitchellnator', or even M-Dog' if you like." "All three nicknames have been well-earned hiking this lonely planet." "Technically, I run a surf shop in Mollymook, though I'm also a philosopher, a mixologist, and, uh... inventor of new sexual positions." " Of course." " But, first and foremost," "I am a backpacker." "So, where are you all headed after Paris?" "We should travel as a team." " What?" "Oh, man!" " We..." " We gotta get in there and talk about" " We'll talk about that!" " Yeah!" "We gotta" " Yep." "I'm coming!" " We're coming!" " Ladies!" "Sorry we lied, Where are we?" "To be honest, I'm not very good with women at all and" "I gotta lot of love to give." "And you look like a very loving girl." " Oh, you're so romantic!" " That was one of the creepiest things I've ever said in my entire life." "What's your name again?" "What's your name again?" "What's my name?" " I don't know." " Like, I will..." " Don't underestimate..." " Sh... shh-shhh" "Oh, you're going to regret this." "Rrrr!" " I got it!" "Come on." " What is this trick?" "Of course it's now I come up with the best comeback for Brandon saying I can't handle my wine." "We call that "L'esprit De L'escalier "." " The spirit of the stairs." " Oh." "Yeah, as in, when you leave a party, it is only there, descending the stairs that you think of the perfect thing to have said..." "What's it?" "Are you okay?" "Ryan?" "I have to go." "I'm sorry." "I..." "I have to go." "I have to go." "What?" "Ryan, mais reviens!" "Sorry!" "If you're looking for your mate, he's in there, bro." "Been waiting for my laundry for half a bloody hour so you can tell them to speed it up?" "Coming!" "Ow." "What's up?" " We gotta go!" "Right now!" " What do you mean we gotta go?" "Are you insane?" "I got two girls in here, man." "Two French girls!" "Why aren't you having sex?" "Oh!" "You need a condom?" "Here no worries." "Take five." "The deal is off, man." "Done, dusted, finito, over!" "We gotta find Beth, we gotta tell her before it's too late!" "Why, what happened?" "Oh!" "Did Cleo try and stick her...?" "No!" "I'm out there making out with one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life and all I can think about is other guys banging my fiancée and I'm just, I'm losing..." "You cannot think about that!" "You gotta keep it in the moment." "Two sweaty Spaniards are not trying to have sex with Beth." " Why are they sweaty?" " Because there's no air conditioning and they're having sex and they're, like, in these weird positions like a hot yoga class." "And they're just going at it!" "But don't think about that!" "This deal was the worst idea ever, man!" "What if I lose her?" "What if she finds somebody else?" "What if she falls in love?" "You gotta calm down, man." "You're an idiot if you ditch this deal, I'm telling you." "You are not going to lose Beth." " We'll leave in the morning, OK?" " I can't wait until the morning!" "You just said she could be having sex with people right now" "You know, statistically most Europeans..." " We leave in ten minutes." " Brandon..." " Come back to us, please?" " Oui." "Oui." "Oui." "Une minute, OK?" " Four hours, man." " Not giving you four hours." " Two hours." " One hour, max." " Okay, great." "Golden." "Good." "One hour, plus, like, an hour" " Downstairs." "I'm there." "What?" "No!" "We're leaving right now!" " Dude, where are we going?" " Damn it, man!" "I told you" " to find Beth." " You guys didn't share travel" " plans, remember?" " Oh..." " That was terrifying." " Man, those dudes have killed dudes." "I can just tell." "Alright, so, the Italian coast?" "Like, of all things, why do you think Beth is at the Italian coast?" "I did a little bit of cheating." "Her itinerary was out on the kitchenette." "Snuck a peek." "Top of the list:" " hostel in Amalfi." " So, you're a dirty rotten" " scoundrel?" "I didn't think you had it in you." " Alright!" "Let's go find some beer!" "Well, that's all I saw, so either we find her there, or we never will and then she'll totally seal the deal." "She should totally seal the deal, man!" "That's the whole point of the deal." "And you should too, 'cause that's the whole point of the deal." "It's not gonna happen." "We're going to find her, we're going to put an end to this madness." "OK, dude, do you think that maybe your possessive tendencies here are kind of preventing you from experiencing life?" "That's not what this is about, man!" "This is about love, OK?" "L-O-V-E." " Mazel Tov." "Go!" " Wait!" " Guys wait!" " That dude is dead." "We just caught a gangster in the middle of a murder, man!" " Guys!" "Guys" " Stop!" "Come back here!" "Guys!" " Guys" " Come back!" "No, no, don't do that!" "No!" "No!" " Go!" " You go!" "Alright!" "Waaahh!" "God!" "What the hell, man?" "It was either jump off the train or get murdered, man!" "I think I made the right choice!" "We need to sit down for a minute." "I'm tired, dog." " No." "We're walking to Italy." " But Italy's so far." "It's right next door to France." "Aw." " Thank God." " Stop, stop, stop, stop." "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop." "Out for a stroll, boys?" " I'm Ryan." "This is Brandon." " I'm Maya, this is Jessica." " Bonjour!" " Hi." "Can we hitch a ride with you guys?" " Uh..." "Yeah, OK." " Oh my God." "You're life savers." " Jump in the back." " Oh, thank you so much." "Look at that!" "Me old hostel mates!" "Watch out for these two they're mad for the ladies!" "Ha!" "Anyway, I was right in the middle of telling these girls this great story about this yoga retreat I went to in Bali." " Should I start again from the beginning?" " No!" "So, now you know that despite being Australian," "I know how to choose an effective shovel for snow." " Sick story, bro." " So, here's what I'm thinking:" "let's grab some supplies, maybe find a field," " crank out a picnic!" " Ah, actually, we're kind of" " in a rush, man." "I don't..." " Dude." "You need to get to Almalfi, they got a van." "So, let's show them a good time, be nice to them maybe they'll" " take us the whole way." "Got it?" " Got it." " Yeah?" " Ah, picnic?" "Choice!" "So which one you think likes me more?" "Dude, I think they both like you about the same." " Too right." " Mm-hm." "Maybe I'll have it off with both of them, eh?" " Mm." " Yeah-ah!" "They're obviously mad" " for the Mitchell..." " Oh, wine!" "Sweet, man." "One thing we don't have, though, is dessert." "Not here." " Too right." " Yeah." "Mm!" "Maybe something with aphrodisiac qualities, eh?" "That's a great idea, man." "Wow." "Go get some then." " Yeah." "Right." " Cool." "Get outta here, man." "Go!" "Take your time!" " What happened with Mitchell?" " Got rid of that loser, dude." "Ah, sweet!" "You spend too much time with your nose in that book, no?" "Perhaps." "You must look up sometimes." " I'm looking." " No, pas comme ça." "Um..." "Not just look." "See." "OK." "Come on." "Come with me." "OK, so, Maya." "Tell me how long you been traveling for?" " About a year now." " A year?" " Mm" " Hm." "Holy hell!" "You travelling around the world, or something?" "Yeah, pretty much." "I took a sabbatical from work." "Just..." "Just so much to see and experience." "Why settle down when you're young, you know?" "That's exactly what I've been trying to explain to Ryan." " You need a new perspective." " I do?" " Yeah, I think so." " Huh." "Everything looks different upside down." "Watch." " Now you." " Me?" " Yeah." " No." " Oh, please!" " I can't." "I..." "You can." "Please!" "Come on." "Huh..." " Are you okay?" " Oh, yeah." "I don't see why you should do it all in one go." "I mean, life is long, you should parse out the voyages." "Ah, but cosmically speaking, our existence is the blink of an eye." "Beth does great cartwheels." "I don't do the cartwheels in the relationship." "Um!" "Mmmmmm." "Ah, yeah!" "Very, very, very good." "It was better." "It was better." "Ta da!" "You do a lot of acid in college?" "More than you." "Right here." "Stop right here!" "This is the hostel." "Thank you!" "You really saved us." "I don't mean to be rude, but I have to go!" "So where you headed to next?" "You think we'll run into each other again?" "Well, there's always that chance." "You know, you guys could just hang out here." "It is beautiful." "Brandon, I'm a mote of dust on a mote of dust at the mercy of the breeze." "I got no idea what that means," " but you look hot saying it." " I'll explain it to you next time we meet." "I'll see you around the corner." "She's gone, man!" "We missed her because of your stupid picnic!" "Dude, those chicks were so hot." "That's not my fault." "So where do we go now?" "I don't know." "She could be anywhere in all of Europe!"