"(Man) I think he's the best thing on the BBC at the moment, so I'm really looking forward to seeing him tonight." "(Man) He's the best and funniest thing about Mock The Week." "I Iove him on Mock The Week." "I think he's brilliant." "(Man) I would Iike to say that I think Frankie BoyIe is an incredibly funny man." "He is fucking hilarious." " He's obnoxious and hilarious." " And he's a funny bastard." "(Man) If he's good on Mock The Week, he has to be good live." " He swears a Iot." " Yeah, and he's Scottish." "(MC) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the blackest man in show business, Mr Frankie BoyIe!" "(Cheering and whistling)" "well, hello, Hackney." "(Cheering and whistling)" "I had a wee look round Hackney today." "Looks like a fucking holding pen for the Jeremy kyle show." "How are you doing, little fella?" "You've made a fucking effort." "Looks like someone shaved a monkey and kicked it through Top Man." "You've gone for it with the hair here, haven't you?" "You look like a moderately powerful Pokemon." "Why is he a giant version of you?" "You're like fucking Russian dolls there." "How you doing, big fella?" "How's life been since you played Mongo in the blazing saddles movie?" " What d'you do, big man?" " IT." "IT." "And you said that in a sort of, "And my soul is dying" ""every time I sit in front of the computer screen."" "What about you, Frodo?" "What's your story?" "Don't know why I called you Frodo." "Cos you look like you've had your ring destroyed." "I don't know." " What d'you do, man?" " Photographer." " You're a what?" " Photographer." "You're a photographer." "You're a trainee paedophiIe, sir." " We got Scottish people?" " (A few people) Yay!" "(Laughs) I Iove that cheer Scottish people do when they think there's a Iot more Scottish people in." ""Yay!" "Ooh, we're surrounded."" " Where are yous from, Scottish people?" " (A few people) GIasgow." " Same fucking..." " (Man) PaisIey." "Oh, paisley." "He's topped you in Shit Town Top Trumps there." "Sorry, we've had a higher bid." "What's brought you down from paisley?" " (Man) Drugs." " A raft made from turnips?" "although I quite liked your answer - "Drugs."" "I suspect that's your answer to a Iot of questions." ""What time is it?" "Drugs!"" " (Man) Fife." " Fife?" "Who's from Fife?" " (Man) The kingdom of Fife." " (Laughs)" " Whereabouts in Fife are you from?" " KirkcaIdy." "KirkcaIdy." "I'II have to explain this to them now." "basically, KirkcaIdy..." "The town's pride took a bit of a knock recently, when they found out that the people of Ethiopia were holding a rock concert for them." " So, what are you doing in London?" " Working." ""Working." There's a dour Scottish answer." "You're just going to bleed the information out gradually, aren't you?" "You're a fucking human riddle from KirkcaIdy." "My first is in "windmill" but not in "canal"." ""I work, but what do I work at?" "Guess again."" " What d'you work at?" " I'm a consultant." "consultant." "D'you want to go any deeper into the explanation" " or are we just..." " Management consulting." "Management consulting." "What are they managing?" "Not very much." "Are they managing to find you quite an annoying cunt?" "Is that how you've managed to stay in the business so long?" "Just by giving one-word answers?" ""What should we do about the staff?" "More."" ""More staff?" "Maybe."" "What about you?" "A hat." "Not everyone can carry off a hat in the front row of a comedy club." "Why are you in disguise tonight?" "Is there a particular reason?" " What do you do for a living?" " I'm a fundraiser." " You're a fundraiser." "For charity?" " Yeah." "Rather than just...yourself." ""I'd Iike you to sponsor me because I'm fucking skint."" " What's the charity?" " It's for disabled children." "disabled children." "I'm going to have to be pretty good to get any laughs out of that, aren't I?" "(Laughs)" "I used to work as a support worker with the disabled, but then I kind of worked out that if I couldn't get them to wipe their own arse" "I was kind of pissing against the wind trying to get them to bake fairy cakes." "Is that too much?" "This will be a Iong fucking show." "How are you doing, fella?" "Are you gay or d'you just like the look?" " What's your story?" "What d'you do?" " Event manager." "You're an event manager." "D'you hire shit celebrities for your events?" "Not that I'm touting for work or anything." "Who's the shittiest celebrity you've ever hired?" " I don't hire celebrities." " (Man) Gordon Ramsay." "Sorry, are we holding a seance here?" "What the fuck was that?" "Don't you just keep chipping in as if you're part of something, OK?" "We're making fun of this guy just now." "You see Amy Winehouse in the paper this week?" "Fucking hell, man." "She looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses." "She got done for assault." "Kicked out at some guy that tried to put a saddle on her." "ellen MacArthur, right?" "How many times is that woman gonna have to go round the world before she realises that she's a fucking lesbian?" "There's lots of celebrities who are straight and you just can't believe it." "Like Gareth Gates." "The first time I saw him I thought, "That's not a stammer, that's a gagging reflex."" "Did anyone see that thing the other week where Jordan came out and said that she's only had ten lovers?" "Does anyone else think she just ran out of fingers?" "Ann Widdecombe says that she's a virgin for religious reasons." "The reason being that God made her incredibly fucking ugly." "Nothing like John Prescott." "John Prescott, you're talking about a guy who's so fat he can't wear a belt and a tie on the same day or he'II turn into sausages." "There's a difference between being a bulimic and just liking to eat so much that you puke." "people give Jamie oliver a hard time, don't they?" "I think he's done really well for someone with Iow-IeveI Down's Syndrome." "The secret ingredient in a Iot of those recipes is saliva." "We're quite tolerant of fucking mutant celebrities, aren't we?" "David CouIthard, with that big, fucking...jaw thing." "D'you reckon when he goes down on his wife it feels like she's being rescued by a dolphin?" "Who's the new racing driver?" "Lewis hamilton." "Lewis hamilton has a brother who has cerebral palsy." "That must be the most one-sided sibling rivalry in history." "(Laughter)" ""I won a Grand Prix today." "What did you do?"" ""I drank from a fucking cup, Lewis, OK?"" "The show doesn't sink any lower than that." "Oh, no, wait a minute." "It does." "Quite often." "tell you what I think they should do in Big Brother this year." "On eviction night, when someone gets sent out, the people inside, instead of hearing screaming or booing or whatever, they should just hear complete silence." "And then a single gunshot." "(whistling)" "Just when they start to think it was all a psychological test, we throw the corpse out of a helicopter into the garden." "There was a story after the Iast Big Brother that people in India were burning an effigy of Jade Goody." "And they weren't." "It turned out they were barbecuing a pig." "(Laughter)" "Richard Gere sparked a riot in delhi by kissing ShiIpa Shetty." "Say if there's a riot in delhi, how do you know?" "millions of people in the street, stuff burning, screaming." "could be a riot, could be a wedding." "The result is the same. 800 dead." "(Laughter)" "I liked that tour that Prince charles took camilla on in India last year." "Proper, rural India, as well." "You know, half the people who turned up were going, "Diana's really let herself go."" "Does anyone else think that camilla is almost exactly what Diana would have looked like if she'd survived the crash?" "(Groaning)" "That's not even sick." "The sick thing's that memorial fountain they built to her that's shaped like a fucking racetrack." "(Laughter)" "I thought it was sad they had a pop concert to commemorate Diana." "I mean, she doesn't have much to do with pop music, does she?" "They should have done something that celebrated what was really great about her life, by staging a gang-bang in a minefield." "What was the Queen celebrating?" "Her 60th wedding anniversary." "After 60 years as a German married to a Greek, she must have an arse like a broken cat-fIap." "They turned me down for the royal Variety this year." "D'you remember, years ago, a guy broke into Buckingham palace?" "And they said, "It's OK, he just sat on the Queen's bed."" "But it's not Iike they would have told us if he'd shagged her." "You can't really say that on News At Ten, can you?" "Bong. "A tramp has fucked the Queen."" "I've not talked to this side yet." "Your faces are going, "And please don't."" "What's this, son?" "Is this your dad or is he grooming you?" "What's the story?" " What d'you do, man?" " I work in customer services." "You work in customer services." "Is that a polite way of saying "call centre"?" "You've got a job they literally couldn't get an Indian to fucking do." " And what about you, fella?" " White van man." "You're a white van man." "You just define yourself by that?" "By the borrowed fucking van that you drive." "What are you doing with your white van?" "deliver cash-and-carry food and stuff." "You deliver cash-and-carry food." "That sounds utterly souI-destroying." "What d'you do to liven things up at lunch time?" "D'you stick on a DVD of Steve Davis talking about his favourite carpet samples?" "It's..." "It's gonna go like that, though." "It's gonna go van driver, fucking call centre..." "We're going to get down to him and he'II be a one-Iegged juggIer who sucked off Prince philip." " What's your story, fella?" " I'm a journalist." "You're a journalist?" " Who are you journaling for?" " The FT." " The financial Times?" " That's the one." "What the fuck are you doing at one of my shows?" "This is for scum." "What about you, big man, what do you do?" " Stockbroker." " Stockbroker?" "You evil cunt." "(applause)" "Do you invest in ethical stocks or is it largely..." "Iandmines to somalia?" " Wherever there's money." " I invest in Iandmines to somalia." "But I also invest in painkillers and plastic knees." "So, the SomaIians stand in the landmines but then they take the painkillers, they have their knees replaced." "essentially, I'm giving the SomaIians the gift of surprise." "What's the most evil thing you've ever traded in?" "Weapons." " Weapons." "What sort of weapons?" " Guns." "Guns?" "And who did you buy them for?" "Cos, d'you know what, if it was a bank job I'II look the other way." " Was it Mark Thatcher?" " No." "D'you ever think of getting a gun and blowing your own fucking head off?" "I've got to that stage in scotland now where people recognise me." "But never where from." "I got followed by two guys in glasgow who thought that I was the wee bear from Bo' SeIecta." "Oh, yeah, clap it up, fuckers." "You wait years for that ProcIaimers thing to go away." "(Laughter)" "I used to like that. "You look like one of the proclaimers."" "One of the proclaimers?" "They're twins, you daft cunt." "I used to have a big beard, but any time the beard gets to a certain length people start shouting, "paedophile" at me." "I don't know why I was doing that for the "paedophile"." "Why do paedophiIes always have beards and glasses?" "What is it about that look that children find so sexy?" "D'you remember that stuff last year with the paedophile schooIteachers?" "That's got to be creepy." "You get your homework back and he's drawn a cock on it." "Looking forward to trying to get those jokes onto the next series of Mock The Fucking Week." "(Laughs)" "It's always quite funny, actually..." "You're on telly and you say something, you just know it's never going in." "I did a show recently where I was on a sofa, getting interviewed with Macy Gray." "The fucking dream team right there." "And the interviewer said, "Have you ever been a groupie?"" "And Macy Gray, I suppose quite bizarrely, said, "Yes." "For the actor, clive Owen." ""And the basketball player, michael Jordan."" "And the interviewer said, "well, I hope that was on different nights."" "And I said, "At the very least, I hope they were at opposite ends."" "Macy Gray doesn't have a sense of humour." "I did... (Laughs) I did a morning cookery show" "I made a total arse of, as well." "It was ten in the morning and it was live." "And it was the day of the glasgow airport attack." "And the presenter said, "Oh, you do topical stuff, don't you?"" "I said, "Yeah." "Like today, we don't know if that was terrorists" ""or just Richard Hammond turning up late for check-in."" "Whisking eggs for 20 minutes with a studio full of people who fucking hated me." "(chuckles)" "Who else have I met?" "Oh, I met a guy, Duncan Bannatyne, from Dragons' Den." "The Scottish guy from Dragons' Den." "He's worth, Iike, 100 million or something, so I tried to take the piss a bit." "I goes, "Where are you from in scotland?"" "He goes, "CIydebank."" "I said, "I bet you've not been back there since you made your 100 million."" "He went, "On the contrary, Frankie." ""I was there yesterday, receiving a Scot of the Year award."" "What a tremendous fucking cunt he is." "(whistling)" "(Cheering)" "Scot of the Year award." "Who would you even be competing against?" "The only award I've ever been nominated for was a Scottish BAFTA." "A Scottish BAFTA." "It's like hearing that the animals have their own fucking olympics." "I always hate those awards ceremonies celebrities have for brave children." "You've probably organised a few of these yourself." "The celebrities are trying to get publicity for themselves, aren't they?" "So they'II drag up some wee guy with leukaemia or something." "They'II go, "Oh, look at him." "still smiling." "Keeps laughing."" "Course he keeps laughing." "He's off his tits on fucking morphine." "You could show him Saving Private Ryan and he'd piss himself." ""Aye, he's had a brilliant night out." ""He hasn't laughed this much since SchindIer's List."" "By the way, I just noticed the other day, the word "cancer" is on predictive text." "Who the fuck is texting people the news that they've got cancer?" ""I've got cancer." "Laugh out loud."" "I'II tell you what else is on there - "rape"." "Who the fuck is using that facility?" ""Better tell my mum that I won't be home for dinner." ""'Sorry, Mum." "Gone out raping."'" "(Laughs)" "I liked the way that I mentioned rape and that guy left." ""I knew I had something to do tonight."" "(Laughs)" "You ever heard that thing at women's seIf-defence classes?" "They say, "Don't shout 'rape'." "Shout 'fire'."" "Cos people will come if it's a fire but they might be frightened if it's a rape." "Must be quite confusing for the rapist." " "Fire!" "Fire!" - "I'm going as quick as I can here!"" "hello." "A group of fucking whoIesome-Iooking children." "How are you doing?" "Speccy one, you look like their leader." "What d'you guys do?" "Do you all fucking ride around investigating mysteries on your bikes or something?" " What do you do, little fella?" " We're at college." "You're at college?" "Is it a real college or one of these things that used to be a fucking swimming pool?" " A real college." " What are you studying?" "Er...history." "Maybe history." "That's as focused an idea as you have on your college programme." "Have you recently discovered marijuana, by any chance?" "Cos your pal beside you has definitely discovered marijuana, haven't you, fella?" "How are you doing?" "What's life like if you look like a fucking good-Iooking surfer?" "Because obviously, I've always just dragged myself around" "like the fucking elephant Man." "What the fuck is it like?" "What do you do, man?" "I'm a student, going to uni." "Ah, right, so it's not all good, is it?" "You might look beautiful, but you sound like the elephant Man." "(Mimicking) "I'm going to uni at the minute, thank you."" ""I hope you won't judge me on that."" "Is the wee one like your mascot or something?" ""Yeah, we got him since our dog died and..."" ""To be honest, he's been slightly disappointing." "But fuck it." ""His mum died, so we've got to do something."" "What do you do, little fella?" "tell me your mum's alive." "Thank fuck for that." "Just your dad that's dead, and fuck him." "What's your goal in life, little fella?" "Erm..." "Dunno." "That is the least ambition I've ever heard in any statement." "You took about three minutes to say, "I don't know."" ""hopefully, one day, Frankie, I can grow gills and walk backwards into the sea."" "D'you worry about the future, Frodo?" "You should." "You should particularly worry about the next couple of minutes, which I'm going to make quite difficult for you." "(applause, cheering)" "Do you not worry about young women getting bigger?" "Say like an 18-year-oId girl now can be, what, six foot one, six foot two." "See, by the time you're 60, you trying to shag an 18-year-oId girl will be like a wee terrier attacking a giraffe." "By the time you're 60, the only way you'II be able to satisfy an 18-year-oId girl will be if an 18-year-oId guy uses you as a strap-on." "I'm not even into young women." "Even if I couId get an 18 year old to suck my cock she'd be fucking texting someone while she was doing it." "How do you spell "Ahh haw haw"?" ""feels like he's got cancer."" "I feel sorry for young people, man." "AII these stupid subjects they make them study." "Sports science?" "Sport and science are two different things." "That's why Stephen Hawking - brilliant scientist... always last picked for the football team." "although he is a very good dribbler." "How are you doing, big fella?" "You look fairly normal for one of my shows." "The rest of it's like the fucking cantina scene from Star Wars." " What do you do, man?" " I'm a physio." "You're a physio?" "Did you meet your good lady in your professional capacity?" " No." " No?" "How did you meet?" "We actually went to the same gym together." "You went to the same gym together." "You sickening pair of fuckers." ""Yes, look at us both with our beautiful fucking bodies." ""We met in the gym." "Maybe if you went down the gym occasionally, Frankie," ""you could get a fucking woman like this." ""But no, unless a woman crawls in your fucking window" ""while you're looking at porn, you're not gonna get a fucking woman like this."" "I've realised that I've just unleashed some hidden bitterness there." "Mr Moustache, sir, where are you from?" " Croydon." " Where?" " Croydon." " Croydon?" "I didn't realise they were making porn movies in Croydon." "It's like a pornographic version of one of the chuckle Brothers there." ""To me!" "To you!"" "See Gordon Brown's announced his big new thing." "Says he wants to make children stay at school till they're 18." "That's just not living in the modern world, is it?" "1 7-year-oIds having to go to school." "Who's going to pick their kids up from primary?" "Looks terrible, Brown, doesn't he?" "He looks like a sad face that somebody's drawn onto their scrotum." "Says he wants to bring in super-Asbos." "That sounds too cool, doesn't it?" "Teenagers will want those." "They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges." "He still wants to bring in ID cards with retina scans and 49 items of information." "ID cards won't stop your identity being stolen." "It just means that once it's stolen, you're fucked." ""I've left my wallet in the hotel." ""I'm gonna need new eyeballs and a finger transplant."" "And that was too much but the rape was OK." "That seems interesting." "(Laughs) Interesting to see where your line is in this audience." "tell you what I saw the other day - a petition against ID cards." ""Yes, the Government wants to hold too much personal information on us." ""We're gonna send them a list of our names and addresses."" "(Laughter)" "D'you know, Brown has said that we need a national debate about whether Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeral." "The only debate most people are having is whether or not she needs to be dead before we bury her." "(applause, cheering)" "(whistling)" "Give her a Viking funeral in a scaIe-modeI of the BeIgrano." "D'you know, Brown has seriously said..." "He said he wants listening devices put into lampposts to fight terrorism." "Is that how terrorists work?" "Is it?" ""Come over here." "We'II discuss our evil plans in this brightly lit area."" "D'you reckon George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is?" "He probably thinks Tony blair's put on weight and had a fucking stroke." "Bush says when he retires he's gonna make his living from speaking." "(chuckles)" "play to your strengths, eh, George?" "That's like Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets." "Did anybody see that survey they did in America?" "Said that Osama bin Laden is now more famous than michael Jackson." "And you think, "Yeah, but he puts a Iot less effort into his videos, doesn't he?"" "Good old michael Jackson." "He's got to live out the life of a Scooby Doo villain." "Hanging around an abandoned funfair, wearing a plastic face." ""Those pesky kids!"" "The British Army have got a big recruiting drive on in scotland at the minute." "Cos that's what you need if you're fighting an unwinnable war in the desert." "More ginger people." "Was that a wee boo from a ginger there?" "I'II get the house lights put up and you'II fry like a fucking vampire." "I watched the footage of Saddam being executed." "And it really made me think, you know." "It made me think, "Is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?"" "(Laughter and groaning)" "I mean, not just the fact that they hung him, but they put it on YouTube." "That was disgusting." "I only gave it two stars." "It's got to bring it home to you as a great dictator when your death gets less hits than a fat Korean boy bodypopping." "would anybody else like to see hostages in videos being a bit cheekier?" "Some guy who's about to get his head chopped off with a sword turning round and going, "Short back and sides, please, big man."" "The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September 1 1th." "Freedom Tower, they were gonna call it." "But now, apparently, they're worried and they're looking at ways of trying to make it terrorist-proof." "I think they should have just built a giant fucking mosque." "No one's gonna fly into that, are they?" "Or even better, a runway." "How galling would it be to hijack a plane and then come in and make a fucking textbook landing?" "They've got Barack Obama standing for president now." "Pretty much the worst name that you could have in American politics, Obama." "halfway between "Osama" and..." ""a bomber"." "He might as well be called muslim O'Gun-Bomb." "There's a Iot of scaremongering in politics." "Did you see that thing recently?" "They said North Korea have missiles that can hit America." "The bit of America that their missiles can hit is alaska." "Who's gonna nuke the fucking Eskimos?" "You could take out one of their cities with a three-bar fire and a bag of salt." "I'II tell you a classic piece of scaremongering." "That thing where they check your shoes at the airport cos of that guy, the shoe-bomber." "He wasn't even a terrorist, was he?" "He was just like a mad fucknugget." "His plan was to put explosives in his shoes and then set fire to his shoes." "As an act of terrorism, that's one step up from clutching a stick of dynamite between your arse cheeks and eating a curry." "Did you see that guy they jailed the other month?" "Osama bin London." "Is that the stage it's got to - fucking tribute acts?" "And the Sun, without irony, described this guy as Abu Hamza's right-hand man." "See, people think the middle East is a very complex question, don't they?" "I've got an analogy that I think sums it up quite well." "If you imagine that palestine is a big cake." "It's one big cake." "well, that cake is being punched to pieces by a very angry Jew." "The Jewish leader, ariel Sharon, is still in a coma." "people say that ariel Sharon achieved nothing, but actually, he's just won weightwatcher of the Year." "(Laughter and groaning)" "well done to him." "How are you doing, fella?" "What's your story?" "well, that was just a sudden mime, yeah?" ""My story is about this, Frankie." ""That's how I got this girl." "Look at this."" " What do you do, man?" " Graphic designer." "You're a graphic designer!" "surprisingly camp job for a straight man." "And what have you been graphically designing this week?" " Corporate events." " Corporate events?" "CD-ROMS." "Is the whole audience tonight... a sort of evil night out?" "Fucking Darth Vader's up the back." "(Deep voice) "well, I knew not to sit at the front." ""I knew he would pick on me."" "Did you all just get a bus together, paid for by fucking former Nazis hiding in chile or something?" ""Come on, it'II be great." "We need a laugh after a hard day of killing children."" "And what do you design for these corporations, man?" "CD-ROMS and sort of the screens for that." "CD-ROMS about the promotional business materials?" "D'you ever go home and just think," ""I couId stick my head in the oven and make the world a..." ""much better place"?" "What do you do, pal?" " I work at a livestock market." " You work at a livestock market?" "Have you quantum-Ieaped here from 1892?" ""Ziggy says there's a 90 per cent chance" ""we shouldn't sit down the front, he'II take the piss."" "What a wonderfully Dickensian job you've got." "So, what do you do with the livestock after you've fucked it?" "Fantastic." "Have you ever killed anything?" "No." "Not there." ""Not yet." That's a fucking...sinister answer." "That's generally not the way you want to respond to that question on a date, by the way." ""What are your ambitions?" "well, I've not killed anything yet."" "(Laughs)" "So, what else has been happening?" "They found that wee lassie, Shannon Matthews." "Just goes to show you what I always say - the ugly ones always turn up alive." "Did you see her mum?" "The two weeks that she spent living in a drawer under a bed was probably the happiest time of her fucking life." "They found that children's TV presenter, Mark Speight." "apparently, his suicide note was amazing." "He'd done it all in seashells and glitter." "(chuckles)" "Scottish people aren't that friendly, are they?" " I once saw an english guy in..." " (Woman) Yes, we are, you liar." ""Yes, we are, you liar"?" "Can you not see how you're undermining your own argument there?" ""I think we're a bit unfriendly." "Shut up, you cunt!"" "I once saw an english guy in glasgow, trying to order a pint of lager and lime." "And the barman went, "We don't do cocktails."" "They've got a good thing at Scottish football games now, at Hampden, where you're not allowed to bring food into the ground." "And they actually search you when you're going in to make sure you've not got food on you." "It's nice to see we've got our fucking priorities right, isn't it?" ""What's this, sir?" "A knife?" "I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches."" "Now you've got a Scottish guy who's the number one British tennis player." "I've not checked my Nostradamus, but isn't that one of the Harbingers of the apocalypse?" "The only time I'd previously seen a Scottish guy playing tennis, it was someone playing charades, attempting to mime the word "homosexual"." "So, what do you do, paisley fella?" "Has he passed out from drugs already?" ""It was a fucking great show." "I OD'd after ten minutes."" ""Spent two hours in casualty being punched in the heart." ""What a fucking weekend."" " Where are you, fella?" " (Man calls out)" "Hey." "Oh, and you're a fucking scary-Iooking motherfucker." "(Woman) Ah, come on." "Yeah, I know he's probably nice to you." "But he is one terrifying fucking dude, man." "What you doing down here?" "I do special effects for computer games and shit like that." "You do special effects for computer games and shit like that?" "Look at what you could have made of your life!" "You could be a guy who looks like he's fucking just jumped out of Grand Theft Auto... snared himself some fucking beautiful woman in a cool job, man!" "If you weren't so busy sucking the devil's fucking cock..." "Saw a great thing recently, said scientists are gonna start treating alcoholism with LSD." "That's gonna make tramps very different people." ""Any spare change, pal?" "I've got a unicorn to feed."" "apparently, scientists have come up with a condom for premature ejaculation." "basically, it's got an anaesthetic in the lining and it makes you numb." "You can last for longer." "Or...you can wear it inside-out and you don't have to wake anybody up." "(whistling)" "Viagra's overrated, isn't it?" "Viagra takes half an hour to have any effect." "I often find that in that time the woman has managed to wriggle free." "Science isn't all progress, is it?" "What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked?" "Remember that?" "Instead of this fucking muItipIe-choice system." "See, now, if anything goes wrong, you're gonna be sitting there while the whole fucking toilet wall... slowly slides away." "And you're unveiled like a fucking prize on a quiz show!" ""For 500 points, you could win a shitting woman."" "(Laughter)" "They're building the world's biggest Super collider in switzerland." "It's quite exciting." "They're trying to work out the building blocks of protons." "They're trying to re-create the conditions of the Big Bang." "I think it wouId be good if, when we work that out, the whole of our reality dissolved and a big sign came up that said "level Two"." "Science isn't all progress, man." "Did you see the Mars probe?" "Yeah, that's what our society needs - more pictures of fuck-aII." "well, we've had a probe which has successfully crash-Ianded onto Mars." "To me, it's not successful if it's crashed." "That's a bit like saying that you've swum the channel because your corpse gets washed up on a beach." "Have you heard that science thing that the human female has exactly the same pheromone scent as an orang-utan female?" "D'you know that?" "It was news to me." "I'II never wear a blindfold again." "They told me she was a Geordie." "Ever heard that science thing that if you put a frog into boiling water it will jump out?" "But if you put it into cold water, you heat the water up, the frog won't realise." "And it will die." "Or to put it another way, scientists have got a Iot of fucking time on their hands." ""shall we have a go at curing cancer?"" ""No." "I'm gonna see how many fruit pastilles it takes to choke a kestrel."" "tell you the TV show I'd love to see." "CSI glasgow." ""well, we've done some preliminary tests" ""and it looks like the intruder definitely did a jobbie on the carpets."" ""We're looking for a young man with a poor diet" ""because the jobbie's got a Wham bar and an old 50 pence stuck in it."" "Some guy will try to draw a chalk outline round the jobbie." ""I knew I should have stuck to making corporate CD-ROMS."" "I always say that if I had to explain glasgow to a stranger," "I'd say that if I had to pick a city in the world where I couId depend on a member of the public to punch a man who was on fire... to punch a flaming man to the ground." "We should get a photo of that blown up and use it as the welcome sign at Scottish airports." "And underneath, we should have the words" ""scotland welcomes careful drivers."" "I mean, the naivety of aI-Qaeda trying to bring religious war to glasgow." "We're 400 years ahead of you guys." "You don't even have a football team." "There's a fallacy, isn't there, that that baggage-handIer prevented hundreds of people from being horribly burned?" "These were Scottish people who were flying to Spain." "people say it's good they didn't hit the fuel depot." "I think it's good they didn't hit the queue coming out of duty free." "would have gone up like fucking Hiroshima." "One of the guys was so badly burned that his mobile phone melted into his body." "I thought that as part of his punishment they should have changed his ringtone to Disco Inferno." "Yous looking forward to the olympics in London?" "(Man) No!" "You're really not looking forward to the olympics." "Were you touched up by a relay team?" "In many ways, I think London is a bit of a strange choice for the olympics." "A city where any black man who starts running gets shot dead by the police." "That guy they shot in the Tube..." "clearly, it was horrendous and everything, but if the policeman who'd done it had just been a bit quicker-thinking, he could have had a bit of a laugh with it." "He could have stood up and gone, "Any more tickets, please?"" "They say the olympics is gonna rekindIe english national pride." "I mean, come on." "For 9.2 billion, you could have written" ""Fuck off, Germany" onto the moon." "I Iike the logo." "I wouldn't have thought of throwing a paraplegic off a car park." "It's good they're holding the olympics in the East End of London, isn't it?" "Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistol." "glasgow, of course, has got the commonwealth Games." "Be good to finally see an international athletics event where the crowd fall a drugs test." "The East End of glasgow's already like an olympic village." "Lots of people who struggle to speak english, wandering about in tracksuits." "I'm looking forward to our opening ceremony." "Seeing them lighting that torch from a smouldering Ford Focus." "Did you see Gordon Brown when the torch came through London with the Chinese and they got to Number 10 and barged Gordon Brown out the way?" "He's the only Scottish guy in the world that would have stood for it." "Any other Scottish guy would have opened the door to Number 10 in his pants, looked at the ambassador with the torch and gone, "What the fuck's this, pal?" "I ordered chicken in black bean sauce."" "AIistair darling, I can't trust him, either." "I can't trust anyone whose hair and eyebrows don't match." "I keep wondering what his pubes look like." "I wouldn't be surprised if he opened his files and it was a fucking bunch of daffodils." "He looks tired, as well, darling." "But then, he does have to commute in from Tracy island." "They talk about the economy being fucked and how there's going to be food prices going up." "We're OK." "How bad would food prices have to get before we couldn't shop at LidI?" "I once did my entire weekly shop at LidI in exchange for an amulet made from cats' teeth." "No matter how much we hate politicians, we always hate local politicians more, don't we?" "See that guy in New York that shot the district councillor?" "Over here, he'd have been a fucking local hero." "people would have come up to him as he came out the offices with a rifle, going, "Excuse me, mate, did you mention the wheelie bins?"" "scotland always has the grimmest local stories." "Did you see that head found on a beach in Arbroath?" "They found a head on a beach and it was children that found it." "See, the terrible thing was there'II have definitely been a point when they thought that was someone buried up to their neck in the sand." "And then, the next day, all the limbs got washed ashore in a suitcase." "The people of Arbroath were in shock." "They'd never seen a suitcase before." "D'you remember years ago, when they were making Braveheart?" "Everyone said, "Ah, it's ridiculous, mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy." ""That's not gonna be very convincing."" "And look at him now." "An alcoholic racist." "The most Scottish thing I've ever seen," "I was going through a town called Bathgate at night and there was a guy pissing against the front door." "Like that." "He then took out his keys and went inside." "Looking for people to chat to." "There's nothing wrong with that." "How are you doing, fella, in the check shirt, second row?" "How are you doing?" " OK, thank you." " What do you do?" " Recruitment." " Recruitment." "A one-word answer that tells me fuck-aII." "You could be working for some sort of call centre." "You could be a mercenary trying to overthrow equatorial Guinea." " Who are you recruiting, man?" " (mumbles)" "Pumas?" "You're recruiting pumas?" "What the fuck could you need those for?" " Who are you recruiting?" " Procurement staff." "Procurement staff." "Right, anybody any the wiser here?" "I actually slightly knew more when I thought it was pumas." "You put your hand up." ""Yeah, think I can tell you what procurement's all about, Frankie." ""Throw me the ball."" " What's procurement, pal?" " You buy stuff." "You buy stuff." "I knew that, you daft cunt." "I didn't know what they were buying." " What have you bought this week?" " I don't do it." "I provide..." "You don't do it?" "So, when I asked you, "What do you do?"" "you decided to step into some kind of fucking fantasy life." ""What do I do, Frankie?" "well, have you read Dr Zhivago?" ""I'm Dr Zhivago."" "What do you do?" "You fancy telling us?" "See, if you don't tell me anything, I won't fucking move along." "I'II get a stool out here and talk to you all night, Iike fucking val Doonican." "You just tell me what you do, I make a joke about how it's a shit thing to be doing, we all get on with our lives." "Sorry, have I ruined the magic for anybody here?" "So, what's your role?" "I'm the middle man between the client and the candidate." "Right." "You're a middle man." "Another thing that tells us almost nothing." "I'm surprised that you're persevering with words." "Soon you're just going to yell out a formula." "What's the biggest thing you've ever bought?" "A car." "A car." "I meant for your work, you daft bastard." "This has now sort of devolved into an episode of Trisha, hasn't it?" "How are you doing, fella?" "What do you do?" "Estate agent." "You're an estate agent." "Ha ha-ha ha-ha ha!" "Oh, yeah." "Fucking boot's on the other foot now, motherfucker." "You're calling us and we're not returning your fucking calls." "And you, good lady, what do you do?" "clearly, you'II be leaving him soon, when the money dries up." "I work in fashion." "You work in fashion?" "What are you doing in fashion?" " Product development." " Product development." "still not telling me much." "Are you working on Ann Summers in Dundee, developing a crotchless sheIIsuit?" "(Laughs)" " What you working on this week?" " Burberry." "I work for Burberry." "Burberry?" "So, you're both involved in two things that are just going out of fashion." "It's all fucked." "We've got some old fuckers in tonight." "A sign that it's been a mild winter, some of these faces." "Tom Cruise has got a fucking creepy marriage going on, hasn't he?" "I reckon if you went round to their house for dinner, she'd have written "Get help" in the peas." "Catherine Zeta-Jones, she lives in LA now but she has bottles of air imported from wales." "When I want my house to smell like wales, I just kick my dog until it farts." " Any welsh people in?" " (A few people) Yes." "Are you worried about the foot-and-mouth crisis?" "It's a Iot harder to fuck them when they're burning, isn't it?" "I thought it was weird the Beckhams went to LA, the home of stalkers." "And they were always worried about being kidnapped." "And she'd be the perfect kidnap victim, as well." "Imagine how cheap it wouId be to start sending her body parts back through the post." ""Send them a finger." "Fuck it, fax it."" "What does he see in her?" "It must be like fucking a xylophone." "How far do you think he could kick her?" "The Spice girls getting back together - did we need that?" "The only way I want to see Geri halliwell draped in a Union Jack again will be if she dies in battle." "Did you see the concerts?" "It looked like the panel from Loose Women having a fucking singsong." "Wayne Rooney, he gets paid a ridiculous amount of money, as well, man." "He'd be happy with a tyre on a rope." "How old is he, Rooney, 23?" "They don't usually live that long." "I know some people laughed there cos they think I'm still saying he's a monkey." "I'm actually trying to imply that he has Down's Syndrome." "(Laughter and groaning)" "I'd hate you to go away with the wrong idea." "How the fuck did he manage to get married?" "probably just because "I do" sounds quite a Iot like "Ooh-ooh!"" "Got these environmental problems now." "apparently, in 20 years' time," "Norwich will be completely underwater." "The locals are delighted because they'II finally get a chance to use their webbed feet and hands." "I Iike storms, I Iike lightning." "What I Iike to do during a storm is fuck my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist." "Oh, she hates that joke." "especially since we had the baby." "A Iot of stuff's bad for the environment." "4x4s are just too big, aren't they?" "I mean, often now, when I'm out dogging..." "I find that I have to stand on someone's shoulders just to get my balls onto the windshield." "Now you know where you recognise me from." "(chuckles)" "Ryanair are getting a hard time from the environmental lobby cos they've introduced a $7 flight to New York." "although, as always with Ryanair, it does land slightly outside New York." "In dublin." "Was it Ryanair?" "No, BA last year sacked a stewardess for coming into work wearing a crucifix." "Or wearing a cross." "Crucifix, she'd have come into work like that." ""Your safety exits are here."" "There must have been more to it." "She was probably winding up the Jewish passengers." ""Did you pack these bags yourself, madam?" ""And why did you murder Jesus?"" "The catholic Church have got a great thing at the minute." "They say they don't want sex education in schools because it's like giving the kids pornography." "As opposed to the traditional catholic method of educating them of actually fucking them." "Sex education at my school was a muttered warning about the janitor." "The catholic Church has just reaffirmed their position on abortion." "They don't support abortion, even in cases of rape." "Which just seems like, "What?"" ""What's that, son?" "You'd Iike to see a picture of your daddy?" ""I'm afraid it's actually more of an artist's impression."" ""You have his cold, dead eyes."" "The Church of england brought out prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life." "The first one was a prayer you say on the train in the morning if you can't find a seat." "I always find that if I pray loudly enough to allah..." "I get the fucking carriage to myself." "Did you see that bishop up north who said that the floods were God's judgement on homosexuals?" "If that was true, Brighton would be like fucking atlantis by now." "I'm all for gays, man." "I'm all for gay adoption." "Gay men would make brilliant dads." "They already know where all the best parks are." "They already know how to put talcum powder onto a sore bottom." "I'd have loved to have had a gay dad." "D'you remember that stuff at school?" ""My dad'II batter your dad." "My dad could batter your dad."" ""Listen, my dad'II shag your dad."" ""And your dad'II enjoy it."" "The bible says that a man who sleeps with another man should be stoned." "It definitely helps." "That's all I'm saying." "How are you doing, big, jolly chap with the beard?" "How's tricks, man?" "What do you do?" " I work for Hackney council." " You work for Hackney council." "And that's why you're laughing." "Cos there's nothing you can do that's shit enough to get you sacked." "(whistling)" ""What shall we do with the parks this year?"" ""Oh, I don't know." "Pave over them?" "Promotion, motherfucker."" " hello." "How are you doing, little fella?" " Fine." " Are you a student of some sort?" " No, I work." " You work." "What d'you work at?" " I'm a packaging art worker." " You're a packaging art worker?" " Yeah, mobile phone boxes." "mobile phone boxes?" "Exciting stuff." "And what art have you drawn onto a mobile phone this week?" "I've done some motorola phones." "motorola phones." "D'you ever think of drawing on a big tumour onto the person that's fucking trying to use the phone?" ""Sorry, can't get you." "I'm in a tunnel and I've got cancer of the head."" "And is this your good lady?" "She looks like she could rip you apart" "like a fucking chicken wing." "Does he touch the sides?" "(Groaning)" "When he does, do you vibrate and your nose lights up?" "She's not that happy about this." "I'm quite a grumpy bastard." "Cos I drink Red bull to do the shows." "It's good they finally managed to can anxiety, isn't it?" "It's good there's a drink that gives me the resting heart rate of a serial killer." "ejaculating into a school sock." "(Groaning)" "I don't drink." "My best mate actually gave up the same time as me." "He said it was cos he could never imagine anything worse than waking up in the morning with less money than you thought you had and a really sore head." "I said, "It could be worse." "You could wake up" ""with much more money than you thought you had and a really sore arse."" "You see, Scottish people can just be dour, negative bastards." "John Logie Baird invented the TV and when people came up to congratulate him, he went, "Aye, but there's fuck-aII on."" "It's the weather, man." "The weather wears us down emotionally." "It's terrible." "You'II have noticed if you've been up, not a Iot of Scottish people choose to have wind chimes in their house." "Cos it wouId be like having fucking tinnitus." "The winter is a tremendously difficult time of year for Scottish men to get laid cos Scottish women wear so many clothes." "It's fucking difficult to get at them." "You know how, in the movies, a young man's rite of passage is the first time he manages to get a bra strap undone?" "In scotland, it's the first time you get a fucking button off on her duffle coat." ""Oh, just another two to go." ""Then I've got my hands on that fleece."" "It's layers." "It's fucking layers." "Having a gang-bang in scotland's like playing Pass The parcel." "When I was at school, I couId never get girls' bras undone." "I just couldn't work it out." "And then eventually, I realised that these girls were wearing a different type of bra from my gran." "If you don't like that, you're gonna fucking hate this next bit." "The oldest woman ever to give birth gave birth last year." "She was 63." "I should imagine, at 63, the baby didn't have to force its way out." "It spent the Iast three months bungee-jumping." "Every time she went for a shit, it had to brace itself." "(Laughs)" "Can you imagine what having a baby must have done to the state of a 63-year-oId's fanny?" "absolutely nothing at all." "She's gonna need long arms to breast-feed that little fucker." "I Iove old people, I do." "But I hate it when they're always boasting about what they did in the war." ""Come on, Granddad, we're trying to have Christmas dinner here." ""Nobody gives a fuck how many Jews you killed."" "I Iike those adverts that are aimed at old people, for, what is it, funeral expenses?" "They always start off," "(english accent) "If you're one of those people our age..."" "Then, for some reason, it always ends up offering them a fucking radio alarm clock." "Of all things." "(english accent) "One morning, that alarm will go off" ""and you won't hear it."" "AII insurance is a con, man." "health insurance?" "D'you really want to have your own TV to watch while you're dying?" "D'you want to spend your last day on earth watching Diagnosis Murder... only to find out that it's a two-parter?" "I'm trying to think if I have any cheerful jokes at all." "Oh, yes." "As a man, never get a brazilian." "Because when you get a hard-on you look like a sundial at noon." "Have you ever gone to a fancy dress party, fucked someone dressed as a ghost and later found out that it was their muslim next-door neighbour?" "I visit the mound of stones they buried her under every halloween." "halloween, ladies and gentlemen." "halloween." "A wonderful time of year for the agoraphobic paedophiIe." "(Laughter and groaning)" ""They're being delivered to the door." ""In little costumes."" "How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?" "Another two, if I move my bike." "See, I think a Iot of this stuff with offensiveness in comedy, it comes from the fact that we're talking about big stereotypes and generalisations." "They're not always true, are they?" "So, I've got a friend does a routine about," ""Don't you hate it when your partner comes to bed and they're cold?" ""They try and get heat off you."" "And I always think, well, what if you're a necrophiliac?" "Maybe you love it when they're cold." ""Oh, that's brilliant." "You're freezing." ""Don't move a fucking muscle." ""I want it to be realistic." "I'm groping your arse cheeks with a car-jack."" "Any questions so far, Hackney?" ""No, Frankie, we turned up with questions," ""largely about rape and cerebral palsy..." ""but to be honest, you seem to have cleared most of that up for us." ""Go ahead with the jokes."" "(Man) What's your view on Austrian parenting?" "What's my view on Austrian parenting?" "(Laughs)" "(Laughter and applause)" "D'you know, I don't know what's going on in Austria." "It's gone, very suddenly, very sexy and kidnappy, hasn't it?" "D'you know, hallmark have had to bring out a card in Austria that says, "congratulations on escaping from your underground sex hell."" "I'd quite like to see the Austrian version of Grand Designs." "(applause)" "(english accent) "Josef is building a sex dungeon under the garage," ""but, with three weeks to go, the concrete still hasn't arrived."" "Have you not found it quite interesting during the European Championships to see how many of the players who go down the tunnel come back out again?" "And d'you know what?" "The best thing is that when that's in the papers, people in the West Country are reading that like it was fucking hello!" "magazine." ""Oh, he's got manacIes in the bathtub." "Nice touch."" "I'm only kidding." "I Iove the West Country." "We were in bristol on tour." "Everybody in bristol is just fucking hilarious." "There's a guy in a train station, trying to buy a sandwich." "And the woman goes, "That'II be $3, please."" "And he goes, "I'm not paying $3 for that."" "And she says, "well, it's $3, you know." "Take it or leave it."" "And he walked off." "And as he got to the door, he turned round and he went... (West Country accent) "well, I'II have the Iast laugh, right?" "Cos I ain't even hungry."" "(chuckles)" "almost topped by the restaurant we went to in bristol, where on the toilet wall someone had drawn a massive cock and along the shaft they'd written, "Bon appetit."" "(chuckles)" "Anything else?" "(Man) Have you ever been to Specsavers?" "(applause)" "Yes, I went there to pick up a prescription for your mum." "She's slightly cock-eyed... since I put my cock in both her eyes." "(Laughter and applause)" "See, if you start attracting an audience of schoolchildren, you get schoolchildren insults." "I'm like the fucking Pied Piper of Hackney or something." "Anything else?" "(Woman) What were you Iike as a teenager?" "What was I Iike as a teenager?" "It's difficult to tell because I locked myself into the bedroom and turned it into a sort of masturbation furnace." "I don't know what I was like, but I was certainly generating enough energy to power Vienna." "One last one?" "(Man) Ever licked a lady's arsehole?" "Wait, that..." "That sounded..." "Wait a minute." "That sounded like it had some good value in it." "AII I heard were the words "lady's" and "arsehoIe"." "My ears pricked up there and I thought," ""Great, we're gonna get something here." What is it, fella?" " Have you ever licked a lady's arsehole?" " Have I ever licked a lady's arsehole?" "No." "Why?" "What does the rest of your evening involve?" "See, I've never really understood how you get into, Iike, kinky sex at all." "Cos there must be a point where you bring it up in conversation, mustn't there?" ""darling, er...you know that mug tree that we've got in the kitchen?" ""Yeah, that's the one." ""I'd Iike to stick it up your arse tonight."" "I'd actually be more frightened that they'd say yes." ""Yes, why not?" "Get the BreviIIe sandwich-maker and the lava lamp out." ""Let's make a fucking night of it."" "Ever licked a lady's arsehole yourself, sir?" "I... (Drowned out by laughter)" "What...what did that gesture mean?" ""well, about this many."" "Have you?" "No." "Thinking about paying for it." "You're thinking about paying for it?" "Haven't you seen the welsh ladies at the back?" "I mean, I'm not guaranteeing that you're gonna survive." "But at Ieast you get to do it for free." "Any other questions" " by people who are not schizophrenics?" " (Man) How long's a piece of string?" ""How long's a piece of string?"" "(Woman) Wanker!" "Don't start fucking heckIing each other." "I don't know." "I reckon if I had about two feet of it" "I couId choke you to death." "(Man) Ever licked a man's arsehole?" "What?" "Have I ever licked a man's arsehole?" "Yes." "strangely, as a straight man, er..." "I've never licked a woman's arsehole but regularly lick a man's arsehole." "Because I used to be a taster for dog food and it's the only way I couId get the taste out of my mouth." "I always used to know when Christmas was coming round because his arsehole would start to taste of cranberry." "One final one?" "(Man) will you sing a ProcIaimers song?" "Leaving aside the fact that I've already got the proclaimers thing out of the way earlier, no, I will not sing a fucking ProcIaimers song." "unless...you allow him to lick your arsehole." "(chuckles)" "It's not really the way I imagined this section of the show going, to be honest. (Laughs)" "See, political correctness has changed everything, hasn't it?" "I mean, people forget that even political correctness itself used to be called "spastic gay talk"." "(Laughter)" "apparently, at Christmas now, we're not supposed to say "fairy lights" any more because it might be homophobic." "apparently, now we've got to call them "poof Ianterns"." "It's not politically correct to talk about women who wear veils." "I don't give a fuck if they wear a veil or not." "It's when you see them as tourists taking photos of each other." "What's the fucking point?" ""could you take that one again?" "I blinked."" "They had a woman in a veil doing channel 4's Christmas message last year." "Not great for the deaf viewers." "Though, apparently, if you were deaf there was a button you could press and get sign language by Abu Hamza... who's not brilliant at sign language because his hook makes everything sound like a question." "I had a woman in, in a veil, the other night and she found that quite funny." "Or annoying or surprising." "It was impossible to tell, really." "(chuckles)" "tell you what I hate most in the world - children In Need." "Make the children sit through that pile of shit, then ask them if they still need a ventilator that badly." "Charity doesn't work." "Because we want it to work won't make it fucking work." "You might want to give money to people in Africa but that money takes no account of cultural difference, takes no account of the reality of those people's lives." "If you give a man a fish, he'II eat for a day." "If you give him a fishing rod, he'II break it up for firewood." "Or swap it for a fish." "Don't bother." "Don't send your children's toys to Africa." "Can you imagine how depressing it must be to receive a Tamagotchi that's gonna outlive you?" ""I am dying." "please take this." "It was my grandfather's."" "tell you what sums TV up to me, right?" "There was a TV company wanted to do a pilot where you had to spend a night in a haunted house with John leslie." "It's like a DIY show with Fred West." "John leslie?" "If you felt cold breath on your neck you'd be praying it was a fucking ghost." "This is the stuff we actually get to hear about." "I keep expecting a pilot to turn up somewhere that's Stephen Hawking fighting Christopher Reeve on celebrity Robot Wars." "It's so patronising, telly, isn't it?" "Fucking things like gladiators aren't even programmes." "It's just a distraction - distract you from the war, distract you from the economy." "Instead of those shows, they should just have a guy come on, get a bunch of keys out and go, "Look at the shiny, shiny." ""GIadiators has been cancelled." "Look at the shiny, shiny." ""And finally on News At Ten, look at the shiny, shiny!"" "D'you ever watch TV and think, "This would be a Iot more entertaining" ""if I'd recently sustained a massive head injury"?" "I watched a show the other day for the first time." "I'd not seen it, right?" "You Are What You Eat." "Which works." "I mean, one look at that woman's face," "I can't eat for about three fucking days." "But there was a bit in the episode - it might happen every week - she gets a fucking trestIe table out in front of the fat fucker and loads it up with ice cream and burgers and chocolate bars." "And they've got to pretend that they think that this is a bad thing." "She's actually just laid out their dream fucking buffet." ""Oh, I know, it's terrible." "could you give me 15 minutes on my own here?"" "I saw a show the other week, a how-to-seII-your-house kind of thing, and they said if someone's coming round to view the house, remember to open your curtains and tidy up." "well, thanks for that." "I'd been planning on redecorating using diarrhoea pills and stencils." "Then shaving the word "welcome" into my fucking dog's back." "That's a joke, clearly." "I don't have a dog." "Having pets is fucking tragic." "Having a pet is just basically saying, "I have tried to find love" ""among my own species." ""I have fucking failed." ""I've had to fall back on the less judgemental world of animals."" "Is there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog shit?" "I suppose maybe someone without a dog." "(chuckles)" "Vet." "That's a job I'd Iike to have." "You can kill the fucking thing, they've still got to pay you." ""Aye, I fucking killed it. $200, please." You can tell them that you're gonna kill it." ""I'm gonna kill it." "We're going to get RoIf Harris in to film the whole thing" ""like a fucking snuff video." ""Get your cheque book ready."" "I think it's sad that we can provide homes for homeless dogs, we can't do that for homeless people." "I think we should have a show called Tramp Rescue." "(english accent) "Do you enjoy long walks and drinking heavily?"" ""Perhaps you could provide a home for Kenny." ""We don't like to put a healthy tramp down."" " (Man) What's your greatest fear?" " What is my greatest fear?" "It's someone saving up a question from the clearly delineated question part of the show... throwing it in at the end, when I'm trying to get some fucking momentum going." "I'm actually..." "I'm terrified of flying." "There's nowhere I want to go to in the world so much that I'm willing to be fired towards it at 700 miles an hour in a tin can full of other people's farts." "D'you know the thing of the crash position on planes?" "You know that?" "Where you go like that?" "That's actually there so that when you crash, your teeth stay with your body and they can identify you from the teeth." "I reckon if you timed it just right on impact you could probably spit your teeth into someone else's lap." ""That'II fucking show them." ""They'II think that six-year-oId boy had a hell of a fucking life."" "(chuckles)" "Can I ask you a question?" "How long is too long to text back to someone?" "My wife still thinks that I died on September 1 1th." "It's a good trick for getting out of a relationship, that." "I picked it up off my dad, shortly before his untimely death aboard the challenger space shuttle." "(Laughs)" "They're trying to make health this big issue now." "The Government want to bring in compulsory dance classes for fat children." "They're not gonna have the concentration for that, are they?" ""Everybody do the mashed potato."" ""Ooh, mashed potato!"" "children are fat because we lie to them about vegetables but we don't go far enough." ""Eat your spinach." "It'II make you strong."" ""These will help you see in the dark."" ""You've left your sprouts behind." "You won't be shitting laser beams tomorrow."" ""Don't you want to project the bat signal out of your Jap's eye?"" "Fuck knows where that bit came from." "I'd love to project the bat signal out of my Jap's eye." "Suppose Batman would be quite annoyed when he turned up." ""What seems to be the trouble?" I've had too many sprouts, Batman!"" ""Can I ask you something?" "Have you ever licked a woman's arsehole?"" "They did a report on Scottish mortality the other week." "And it's basically even worse than we thought." "If you live to 100 in scotland, the Queen doesn't send you a telegram, she comes round to your house and does a handstand with a sparkler up her arse." "people say there's no such thing as a good way to die, don't they?" "Those are people who've never heard the phrase "Drug-fueIIed-sex heart attack"." "They did a health report, said that scotland is the worst small country in the world." "The terrible thing about it was that our slogan at the time was "The best small country in the world"." "So we were like one of those kids at school who tried to come up with his own nickname." ""Hey, guys, you can call me T-Dog."" ""Oh, we'II be calling you Cunty Chops."" "One of the side-effects of the smoking ban in scotland is that every pub, no matter how shit, now has tables and chairs outside it." "basically, glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war." "The smoking ban - it's all come too late for poor old Roy castle, hasn't it?" "(Groaning)" "Roy castle's gonna be spinning in his grave now." "Trying to beat the world record for spinning in his grave." "held by OJ Simpson's wife." "apparently, scotland has the best mental health record in Europe." "I think that's cos in scotland you really have to go that extra 10% to be judged mental." ""Sorry, son, we didn't realise you were a schizophrenic." ""We just thought you were a bit of a character."" "I used to work with schizophrenics in an asylum." "I was like a companion to the fuckers." "Yeah, so I'd take them out for a drink or I'd play cards with them." "I won quite a bit of money." "It was good." "One day, I took this old lady out for lunch and she was a lovely old lady, but a serious schizoid." "And she said, "Frankie, what's madness?" "Because we're sitting here having lunch." ""That couple are sitting over there having lunch." ""What's schizophrenia?" "What's madness?"" "And I said, "Yes, but yesterday you said that hitler was travelling through time" ""to try and steal your liver."" "She went, "Yeah." "Swings and roundabouts."" "There's stuff I don't understand in life." "There's stuff I don't understand about sex." "Like nudie calendars." "Who's wanking, going, "I can't believe it's Pancake Tuesday"?" "I actually lost my virginity to my mother's best friend." "It was my father." "It was the only time he ever told me he loved me." "(Laughter and groaning)" "My favourite thing I saw this year was an article in one of the women's magazines on valentine's, entitled How To tell What's Going Through The Man In Your Life's Mind" "while He's Choosing Your Present." "And it was a surprisingly long article... which at no point mentioned the words, "This'II do."" ""A giant TobIerone." "She'II fucking love this!"" "I've been reading a Iot of these magazines." "They're getting more and more like sex manuals, aren't they?" "AII these articles about how to be better in bed." "It's all aimed at men." "This thing's going, "Why not surprise your partner" ""by having a romantic bath together?" ""Add to the atmosphere with scented candles." ""After her orgasm, remember to hold your partner" ""as this may be when she feels most vulnerable."" "I don't know why I'm looking at you here, particularly!" "Just got sucked in there." "Not a brilliant choice of words in the circumstances but..." "I mean, there's no balance." "There's nothing telling women how to give men the sort of sex they really want." "I'd love to see an article in Marie claire or something going, "Why not surprise your partner" ""by skipping foreplay altogether?"" ""Add to the atmosphere..." "by swallowing." ""After his orgasm, remember to phone yourself a taxi."" "(whistling)" "You know how men go, "Oh, women don't know how to wank us off"?" "Don't know why I turned that into a fucking AI JoIson number." "(As AI JoIson) "They don't know how to wank us off, Mammy."" ""Mammy"." "I wish I hadn't said that." "Women are actually better with their hands than men." "admittedly, if you get a woman who doesn't know what she's doing, it can be a bit like having someone with Parkinson's Disease trying to unblock a sink." "What's a guy who doesn't know what he's doing with his hands like?" "It's like a hungry child wearing oven gloves, trying to get beetroot out of jar." "There's stuff you can't say in bed at all, isn't there?" "I've just found this out recently, to my fucking cost, but you know the thing when you're having sex and you sort of know that you're not gonna come?" "And you kind of know that they're not going to come, either." "well, you're not allowed to go, "Let's just call it a draw."" "So, I've got kids now." "I've got a wee baby." "He's seven months." "I'm starting to get a bit fucking sick of him, to be honest." "I went to the birth and it really does bring home the wonder," "I suppose the miracle, that is contraception." "seriously, Frodo, smash your testicles to pieces... because watching a birth is like the deleted scenes from platoon." "I'm only kidding." "I've got a daughter, as well." "If you ever get the chance to have kids, have kids." "Cos people say it's tiring and it's not." "If you don't live with the mother." "I've moved to London." "She'II have to cry fucking loudly to wake me up." "Kids are a brilliant way of meeting women." "They're great sort of conversation starters, especially if you get them little, cute tops that say stuff like "Future DJ", that kind of thing." "My daughter's four." "I've got her a lovely little pink top that says, "My mummy's dead."" "(Laughs)" "This is true." "I was sitting having breakfast with my daughter a couple of weeks ago and she goes, "Daddy, what's the best thing in the world?"" "I didn't even have to think about it." ""darling, you're the best thing in the world." ""I didn't even have to think about it." "It's definitely you."" "And she sat there for a bit and then she went, "For me, it's sausages."" "It's been an absolute pleasure talking to youse." "Take care of yourselves." "And black Power, motherfuckers!"