" How you doing?" " Morning, Danny." "It`s a gorgeous day." "Isn`t it?" " Thank you." " Morning." "Good morning there, Danny." " There you go." " Thank you." " Morning, Danny." " Hiya, Tom." "How`s it going, John, Marty?" " Hi." " Morning." "Oh, Danny." "Wait." "Here." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." " How you doing, Nick?" " Fine." "Give this to your mother." "Thanks." "Good morning, Danny." "I told you not to hang your coat on the banister." "It ruins the shape." " Sorry." " Did you get my paper?" "Thanks." "My Iotto ticket?" " What`s this?" " From Nick." " Give it back." " Why?" "Come on, Ma, Nick`s a good guy." "typical Greek." "I know what he`s up to." "If I accept it, he`II think I`m easy." "I don`t want to know this." "What`s that?" "Prime rib." "When did you start eating yogurt?" "Where`s your Danish?" "I`m trying to cut back." "You?" "Cut back?" "My pants are getting tight so I thought I`d give this a try." "well, you can`t expect to fit into boys` sizes." "You`re not a boy any more." "I`m 38 years old, Ma." "I haven`t been a boy for 20 years." "My son the anorexic." "Oh, damn." "Fisk isn`t gonna play." " Are you going to the game?" " Yeah, tomorrow." "sal and me." "Boston`s in town, clemens is pitching." " But tomorrow`s Wednesday." " Yeah." "And Wednesday we go to bingo." " CouIdn`t we skip it this week, Ma?" " Skip it, Danny?" "I can`t skip bingo, I Iove it." "I haven`t skipped bingo in 25 years." "Look, I`d cancel, it`s just, you know, sal got these tickets over three months ago." "OK." "I`II go myself." "Be careful." "There`s construction there." "I don`t want you falling." " I will." " Your eyes aren`t so good any more." "Don`t start that." "My eyes are perfect." "Then why are you pouring orange juice in your coffee?" "Damn cartons." "They`re all decorated the same." "Oh, Danny." "I hope you enjoyed your baseball game." "Ma, look, I`II skip the game." "We`II go to bingo." "Oh, no." "That`s all right." "You go ahead, enjoy yourself." "No, no." "I can go to a game any time, Ma." "Bingo only comes once a week." "Thank you, Danny." "It`s OK." " Are you gonna eat that?" " No." "You want it?" "Yeah, I`II start my diet tomorrow." " That`s sissy food, anyway." " True." "Very true." "The district court of SaIvatore Buonarte and Danny MuIdoon is now in session." "AII rise." " What`s the accused charged with?" " Name`s Dwayne earl Tyrone." "He ran this piece-of-shit apartment housing down on the south side." "mostly senior citizens, right?" "well, he`d take their monthly cheques, cash `em, then strangle them to death." "How come guys like that do that?" "chemical imbalance or something, you know?" "I read that somewhere." "It`s kind of a vitamin thing?" "Yeah, it`s a deficiency of some sort, Iike rickets." " Do you take vitamins, Tyrone?" " Nah." " I`m gonna start taking vitamins." " Yeah, me too." "So, how`s the wife?" " She cut me off, Danny." " For how long?" " She says until I seek professional help." " For what?" "She thinks I`m getting weird in bed." " Are you?" " well..." "We`ve done it the same way for the past ten years." "Once a week, every Saturday night right after the nine o`cIock sports." "Same position, seven minutes of foreplay, 12 minutes of sex, and we keep our pyjama tops on." "I`m getting bored out of my skull, right, Danny?" "So I says to her, "Why don`t we add a little spice, you know, go state of the art?"" " State of the art?" " Yeah." "Now it`s the computer age, right?" "electronics and stuff." "So I figure, I`II go to the mature shop, right?" "Pick up something." "I bought me one of these big digital marriage counsellors, right?" " What`s that?" " It`s a big, you know, it`s like a..." "It`s a love enhancer." "It`s like a device, you know?" "So I bring this into the bedroom on Saturday night," "I pull it out, I put it on her pillow, a little surprise." "Surprised the shit out of her." "She freaks." "She tries to kill it, thinks it`s a giant centipede." "You`re kidding." " So I`ve been on the couch ever since." " I`m sorry to hear about that." " I envy you." " Me?" "Yeah, you don`t have to put up with this bullshit." "You can jump in the sack with any chick." "If she don`t like your habits, you`re on to the next one." "well, it`s been a little slow lately." "That`s the most infuriating thing about you." "You don`t take advantage of your God-given position in life." "When was the Iast time you were on a date?" " Two, three months ago." " Nine." " Try nine, Danny." " Who`s counting?" " When was the Iast time you got laid?" " SaI!" " Come on, when?" " SaI!" " So long, you don`t remember." " I remember." "So, so, when?" "That`s personal." "Oh, yeah?" "Why don`t we try five-years personal, Danny?" "Why don`t you shut up and mind your own business, all right?" "AII right." " Good night, son." " Good night, Ma." "15, hut!" "Go on!" "Turn!" " You know, coach says he`s a natural." " At what?" "At wide receiver." "He could maybe put some weight on." "He could be ajockey." "I`m kidding." " Or a guard or a tackle, maybe." "Same thing." " Right." "On one." "Set!" " 35, hut!" " Go, go, go, go, go, go!" "OK, billy, billy, billy!" "Right there!" " Catch the ball, billy!" " I hate this game!" "billy!" "billy, come back and practise." "What does he have to practise for?" "He`s a natural." "Let`s get a beer." " How`s work?" " It`s fine." " Aren`t you getting tired of it?" " No, no." "sal and I, we have a Iot of laughs." "still, Danny, you`ve been driving that wagon for what, 15 years?" "Picking up stiffs, hauling away criminals." " You deserve better." " I don`t want better." "Look, I am this close to John Burrows, your superintendent." "We play golf every Sunday." "Just say the word and I couId get you transferred to florida." " No, I don`t want to go." " Come on, Danny." "You and Mom can get that waterfront condo you`ve talked about." "I don`t want to go to florida." "I`m not ready to retire yet, OK?" "OK." " Just say the word." " Fine." "Thank you." " There`s no seasoning." " It gives Patrick headaches." "well, he never had headaches when he lived with me." "So how`s Mom?" "She looks tired." "Yeah, she needs a change, you know?" "Different environment." " well, Susan and I would take her for a while." " You would?" " Yeah, but she`d hate it here." " Maybe not." "I just think she`s happier in her own house." "You know, where we grew up, where she and Dad lived, where she knew everybody." "And where I can take care of her, right?" "well, yeah, that too, so what?" "You make her happy, Dan." "You`re her favourite son." "Don`t pull that." "plus you get your meals cooked, your laundry done and your bed made." "believe me, you`II never find a wife who`II do all that." "You`re a good lawyer, Patrick." "A very good lawyer." "You know, maybe a gymnast." " Good evening, clark." " Evening, Rose." "Evening, Danny." "Two more thirsty mouths." " The usual, is it?" " What do you suppose?" " What`s the score?" " Boston`s winning by three." "You didn`t miss much." "Three doubles!" " I`m sorry, boys, but I can`t be serving you." " Why?" "You`ve already had a bit too much, and your friend there`s fIuthered." "FIuthered?" "It`s parched he is." "He hasn`t wet his lips in 24 hours." "Frank, don`t you recognise your old pal here?" "holy Mother of God." " It`s Tommy Bones." " So?" "He died yesterday." " Get him out of here." " We can explain." "Larry, explain." "One August back in `58, me and Jack here, we made a promise to Tommy." "We swore we`d bring him back to O`NeiII`s the night before his wake for one last Jameson for his journey." "It`s a sacred duty then?" "Oh, it is, it is." "Let it never be said that an O`NeiII broke a promise to the dead." "Three doubles it is." "And if he drinks it, it`s on the house." "Grave robbers!" "AII right, give him back." " After he`s had a drink." " No." "Right now." " When he`s had a drink." " Look, I couId have you two arrested." "You can`t go into a funeral home, take a corpse and bring it to a tavern." " What`s the matter with you, for God`s..." " What`s going on here?" "Officer, these two idiots snuck into my funeral home and took the body while my daughter Theresa was on a break." "Here`s what we`re gonna do." "You two will take him back." " unless you decide to press charges." " No, I don`t want to press charges." "OK, fine." "Take the body back." "He can`t drink, anyway." "What did you do?" "Sew his lips shut?" "That`s enough out of you." "Take the man back, understand?" "And then the both of you go home." "Don`t break him." "Easy does it." "AII right." " So that was Joey Luna?" " Yeah." " He`s got the parlour on Morgan Street?" " That`s right." " Was that his daughter?" " She works for him." " Yeah?" "Doing what?" " Painting faces." " Dead faces?" " She couIdn`t get ajob after cosmetic school." " Is she married?" " No." "You know how it is." " The business she`s in turns most guys off." " Oh, it wouId, yeah." " Why?" "Are you interested?" " Oh, no." "I`m just curious, that`s all." " If you are, go for it." "Ask the girl out." " No, no, no." "Why should he?" "He`s perfectly happy now." "Why screw things up?" "Don`t listen to him." "Don`t end up bachelors like the two of us." " Speak for yourself." " Danny`s doing fine." "He doesn`t have to chase some ghoul from a funeral parlour for a date." "He can do better." "He doesn`t have time to do better." "AII the good ones will be taken." " The girls should be chasing him." " I don`t believe this." "I`m getting romantic advice from a widow and two bachelors." " One very experienced bachelor." " CeIibacy is considered experience?" " I`ve had me share of women." " Three." "Never been stupid enough to marry them." "You`ve never been fortunate enough." "They all said no." "If I`d have gotten married I wouIdn`t be where I am." " In a tavern?" " Free." " Living like a king." " You live at the Y." "I don`t have to answer to anyone." "I come and go as I please." "I do what I want when I want." "Don`t listen to him, Danny Boy." "call that girl." "Don`t spend your life full of regrets." "Put your arms around me." "I`II be seeing you." "You`II be seeing me." "I`II be seeing you too." "Every day and every night and every minute." "This isn`t the end." "It can`t be." "Goodbye, Thornton, and God bless you." "Goodbye, blake." "Goodbye, Jack." "You missed a spot." "I`m..." "It was just ajoke." "I didn`t mean to scare you." "No one is allowed back here." "Sorry." "I..." "Is there a problem?" "No." "No problem at all." "I..." "actually..." "I saw you at O`NeiII`s the other night... and... well..." "I..." "Don`t you just hate all that awkward stuff that goes with asking someone out on a date for the first time?" "I`II make it easy for you." "Give you a list of possible excuses." "Things I`ve heard a million times before." "AII you have to do is say yes or no." "That way it takes the pressure off both of us." " Make sense to you?" " Yeah." "Good." "OK." "Here we go." "Reasons why you can`t go out with me on Saturday." " You`re seeing somebody else?" " No." " You`re having your wisdom teeth pulled?" " No." " You`re washing your hair?" " No." " You`re shopping?" " No." "You have to baby-sit for your neighbour`s kids, nieces or nephews?" " No." " You`re doing the laundry?" "No." " You have to lube your car?" " No." "You`re getting your legs waxed?" "No." "I think thatjust about covers everything." "You forgot one thing." "What`s that?" "If somebody dies, I`m stuck here." "Oh, sure, of course." "Yeah, that." "Yeah, sure." "But nobody died yet." "So you`re free?" "That`s terrific." "Great, thanks." "OK." "That`s wonderful, thank you." "How about seven o`cIock?" "I`II pick you up." "Where do you live?" "Here." "With the stiffs?" "My father and I have an apartment upstairs." "Oh, sure." "Of course." "That`s convenient." "Yeah." "would be." " So seven o`cIock, then." " If nobody dies." "If nobody dies, of course." "Seven o`cIock." " Did you mean him to look like clark gable?" " Yeah." " You did that?" " Yeah." "Wow!" "That`s very good." "That`s a talent, yeah." "Yeah, that`s terrific." "He`s a dead ringer." "I didn`t mean "dead" like that." "I don`t mean "dead" like that dead." "I`m sorry." "I didn`t mean..." "You know what I meant, in fairness to..." " I`II see you at seven." " OK." "Great." "I`II close up here for you." "I`II get these." "I`m sorry if I bothered you." "Don`t screw this one up, Theresa." "Yeah!" "I`m sorry." "See, I just got lucky in there with a girl." "I didn`t mean it like that." "It`s not what you think." "She does everybody in there." "Not in that way." "But she probably did that guy there, for example." "I gotta go." "Can you believe that guy?" " hello, Marty." "hello, John." " Hi." "Rose!" "Rose!" "I`m trying again." "will you please accept these flowers?" "I don`t want them." "And I don`t date Greeks." "You know, you and I couId make each other so happy." " Forget it." " Greek men are great lovers." "And Greek men never bathe." "I bathe twice a day." "Three times when I do my sit-ups." "feel that stomach." "Hard." "Like an 18-year-oId." " Go on, feel it." " I`m not feeling anything of yours." "Rose, you`ve forgotten what a sweet thing romance can be." "Come to my bed." "You`II never leave." "Have a little respect." "You`re speaking to a lady." "I apologise." "I spoke with my heart and not my head." "A beautiful woman like you... has that effect on me." " Oh!" "Danny!" " Where are you going all dressed up?" "I`ve got a date, sort of..." "That`s your father`s jacket." "It fits pretty good, doesn`t it?" "And your tie, just like your father, you always make the knot too big." "Let`s see." "There now." "Oh, Danny, give these to your girl." "Women love flowers." "Some of them." "Thanks." "I gotta go." "Oh, he`s got a girl." "He`s lucky." "I hope you don`t mind coming here." "I wanted to bring you somewhere special on our first date." "Danny!" "Want me to turn the scoreboard lights on?" " You want to see it?" "It`s really something." " Yeah." " Go for it, Leo!" " OK!" "That`s great!" "Pretty, huh?" " Thanks, Leo!" " No problem, Danny!" "It`s a shame they`re gonna tear the whole place down." "Leo, he`s been around here as, jeez, as long as I can remember." "Great guy." "He lets me in any time I want." "Sometimes it`s good to be a cop." "Oh, yeah." "My brother had his bachelor party here." "It was great." "We played baseball all night." "We had haIf-barreIs on each of the bases." "So every time a guy got a hit, and you got on base, you had to chug a pint, OK?" "So all night it was hit, drink, hit, drink, hit, drink." "AII night long it went like that." "In the morning, OK, the Sox came out, they got a day game, they came out here, 20 drunken Irishmen all over the infield." "It was a mess!" "Guys were throwing up." "Oh, God." "That was funny." "That`s the wrong story to tell you." "I`m sorry." "That`s a bad story to tell on a first date." "That`s not a good story." "I`m sorry." "That`s a bad story." "It was funny, but that`s not a good one to tell you." "I`m sorry about that." "I`ve been Mr Motormouth all night long, you know, and, gee, I`m sorry." "Why don`t you take the floor for a while?" " Me?" " Yeah." " You don`t want to hear about me." " Yes, I do." " It`s boring." " No, come on!" " Like what?" " Like anything." "I don`t know." "Like what your favourite colour is, what you`re gonna do with your life, how many brothers and sisters you got." "I don`t care, really, anything." "I`m sorry, I didn`t mean to put you on the spot." " Light blue." " Sorry?" "My favourite colour is light blue." "That`s a very nice colour." "Light blue." "Yeah." "That`s terrific." "Boy... it`s a shame they`re gonna tear this all down." "Was everything OK with dinner?" "It was fine." "See, you didn`t eat much." "It was very good." "Thanks." "Chicken was a little greasy, wasn`t it?" "No." "It`s not too late." "Do you want to go out for a drink?" "Watch yourself there." "No, I..." "I have to work in the morning." " Somebody die?" " Two people." " Big day, huh?" " Yeah." "well..." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Danny!" "Yeah?" "Is everything OK?" "You all right?" "I had a wonderful time tonight." "You did?" "I know it seemed like I didn`t." "It was like you wanted to be on another planet." "I didn`t." "I know I talk too much sometimes." "I apologise." "No, it`s not you." " It`s me." " You?" "I have this thing." "What thing?" "I have this... introverted kind of thing." " Introverted?" "Thatjust makes you shy." " No." "No, it`s worse than shy." "I guess it doesn`t help spending eight hours a day with people who don`t talk back." "No, I guess not." "But I`m trying to get past it." "To beat it." "And it isn`t easy, but if you could bear with me and maybe give me one more chance." "I think I`m gonna get a Iot better, because I`m feeling... very comfortable around you, and I would really like to go out with you again... if you would, you know," "like to go out with me again." " I`d Iove to see you again." " Yeah?" "What are you?" "Nuts?" "I didn`t mean that." " That`s good." "That`s great." " Yeah!" "That is great." "There`s a waterway terrace, it`s 20 miles from St Pete." " Is that you, Danny?" " Yeah, Ma." " How was your date?" " It was nice." "Very nice." "Did you talk about dead bodies?" "No, we didn`t talk shop." "What are you doing here so late?" "Susan kick you out?" " He`s got a surprise for you." " Oh, yeah?" "What`s that?" "You`re moving to florida." "I`m what?" "You and Mom." "You`re moving to St Pete." "I played 18 with Burrows yesterday." "He agreed to move you to a florida precinct." "But why?" "Why now?" "I needed an investment, and I was thinking about our talk, and, Danny, you`re absolutely right." "Mom needs a change of pace." "Yeah, but what about me?" "Maybe I`m not ready to leave Chicago." "You were going to leave Chicago eventually." "What`s the difference if it`s a couple of years earlier?" " Why wouIdn`t you talk to me first?" " well, I wanted to surprise you." "It`s a surprise, all right." "So is being hit by a bus." "Now, be polite." "This is costing Patrick a Iot of money." "I don`t want to rain on your parade, but I`d like to be included in a decision that affects my Iife." "Hey, Danny." "This is gonna be great for all of us." "Yeah, well, you`re not the one that`s moving." "would you think about Ma?" "AII her relatives live there." "Think about how happy she`II be." "You don`t have to worry about her slipping on the ice, or catching pneumonia from that winter draught upstairs... or walking into the side of a cab because she`s too stubborn to buy glasses." " You`re right." " Danny..." " You shouId`ve seen her face when I told her." " really?" "20 years just melted away." " Where`s the stinker?" " Apartment 603." "The eIevator`s broken." "You`II have to carry the body down." "Son of a bitch!" "Wagon men, you couIdn`t pay me enough." "So, you get laid or what?" "No, no." "It was just a date." " What`s her name?" " Theresa." " Theresa!" "The lovely Theresa!" " will you stop that?" " So was she good in the sack, or what?" " will you drop it, please?" "Speaking of which..." "Oh, my back." "Yeah, goddamn elevator." "I`m not carrying this guy down six flights of stairs." "well, what do you want to do?" "roll him down the stairs?" "Just a second." "Check it out, man." "Hey, sal, about the football game." "Yeah, I`m really excited. 50-yard-Iine seats." "They`re playing the Packers." "We`II be able to nab some good autographs." "Yeah, I can`t go." "Why?" "What, it`s not bingo night, is it?" "No, I promised Theresa I`d take her to the ballet." "The ballet, huh?" " Pussy whipped." " Pardon?" "Hey, look, I don`t give two shits about the game, Danny." "It`s you I`m worried about." " Me?" " Yeah." "Don`t go getting serious and falling for this chick." "Why?" "Is something wrong with that?" "You know, you gotta leave your options open, Danny, that`s all." "I mean, Iadywise, you`ve broken the dry spell, right?" "So maybe you`re on a roll, that`s all." "You know, ask out some of the other babes." "sample some of the other flavours." "That`s what I would do." "Otherwise, you`re gonna get trapped." "believe me, it`s miserable." "OK, we got it." "AII right." "Oh, shit." " What do we do now?" " I guess we bring him back up." " I ain`t bringing him up." "He`s too heavy." " What do you suggest we do?" "Cut the hose." " Let him fall." " To the ground?" " That fall could kill a guy." " He`s dead." "He won`t feel nothing." " I don`t think it`s such a bright idea." " Why not?" "well, for one thing, look at the crowd down there." " Maybe you`re right." " Let`s just bring him up." "Oh, shit." "Sometimes it is not good to be a cop." " How much is it?" " That`s $790 plus tax." "I`II take it." "Good." " Is there a layaway plan?" " Ah, yes, sir." " Good." " Of course, the suit has to stay here." "Oh, sure." "I knew that." " I don`t suppose you can rent the suit?" " No, sir." "Not at this store." " I was joking, I knew that." " Yes." "Yeah, no, I`II take it." "I Iike it very much." "Nice lines to it." " No, it looks very nice on you, sir." " Not too flashy, huh?" "No." "No, no, it`s very conservative." "Yeah, yeah, that`s me." "I`m very conservative myself, so I would naturally go, you know, with a more conservative look." "Yeah, looks much like a banker." "really?" "A banker?" "Yeah." "hello." "How much would you Iike today?" "$790." "Go ahead." "Don`t forget to say thank you." " I want more candy." " Yeah, as much as we can." "Coming!" "Trick or treat." "tell your parents these are from Rose MuIdoon." "Cooked in her own kitchen." " OK." "Thank you." " Bye bye." " Where are you going, all dressed up?" " On a date." " Since when?" " Since last week when I told you." " You did not." " I did too." "I told you, this Saturday I`m taking Theresa to the ballet." "I would have remembered." "Who`s going to help me hand out the apples now?" "Oh, come on, Ma, you can do it." "We only get about 50 trick-or-treaters." "You think I`m going to the door alone?" "What if it`s a crack maniac dressed up as Frankenstein?" "Or a rapist dressed like EImer Fudd?" "well, I tell you what you do, Ma." "You peek out the window, and if EImer Fudd`s over four feet tall, you don`t let him in." "We always gave out the apples together on halloween." "You must have some sort of affection for this girl." "New suit, ballet, fancy schmancy." "Theresa happens to be a very nice girl, Ma." "Is she Irish?" "No." "No, she`s not." "She`s..." "She`s italian." " A guinea?" " Oh, Ma." "At least tell me she`s not a sicilian, please." "She is SiciIian, Ma." " black Death." " Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph." "How many times have I told you to keep away from SiciIians?" "They`II cut your stomach out if they think you`ve swallowed a penny." "I gotta get out of here." "And who started the Cosa Nostra?" "The SiciIians." "Who invented prostitution, drugs, gambling?" "The SiciIians." "My father used to always say:" "I know. "I`d rather spend eternity in hell than shake hands with a sicilian."" " well, see to it you remember that tonight." " I will." "I gotta go." "Have a happy halloween." "You too." "There`II be a Iot of pretty Irish girls in florida." " Sometimes it`s good to be a cop." " Yeah." "hold on." "Look at that." "What a darling little costume." "Aren`t we scary?" "Trick or treat." "Now, shut up and get inside." "You crack maniac!" "If my son were here he`d shoot you, shoot you dead." "Does your mother know what you`re doing for a living?" "Oh, Danny," "I hope your fancy-schmancy ballet was worth it." "I`II be right back." "Sorry." " Is everything OK?" " Yeah, I just had to check on my mom." "I`d like to do makeup for Broadway." "Maybe give New York a shot." "If you think about it, what I do every day is like the theatre." "I mean, this person`s on display in front of everyone, you have to make them look good." "`Course." "When somebody dies, the first thing I do is figure out what celebrity they look like, then I fix up the dead person to Iookjust like that." " That`s a talent." " It`s good practice." "I haven`t had any complaints from the relatives, so far." "This is a plan to get me out of the house." "I don`t like it." "I don`t like being used." "You`re not being used." "Patrick and Susan just want to spend some time alone with you." " You want time alone with this girl." " I just want to have dinner with her." "well, any silverware she uses, wash it twice." "Heavy on the rinse cycle." "Those SiciIian germs stick to your forks like glue." " Why don`t you take her out to dinner?" " Because I want to cook." "If she eats your cooking it`II be a short romance." "well, I Iearned from the best." "Kidding!" "I`m kidding!" " Nick the Greek asked me out." " Yeah?" "You gonna go?" "I told him I`d consider it if he did something for me." " Like what?" " Watch this house." " Why?" " Let me know when that girl leaves." "If she`s not out of here by one, Nick will tell me." "What?" "Why would you do that?" "I guard criminals, I think I can look after my own life." "There are bars between you and those prisoners." "Nick, don`t forget." " Hi, Ma." " Hi." " Good luck, Danny." " Thanks." "Nick, how could you do this to me?" "I`m a lonely man, Danny... in love with a woman who despises me." "I`m desperate." "But don`t worry." "I won`t let my heartache interfere with your chances for romance." "As far as I`m concerned, that girl will leave this house this evening at 11:35pm on the button." "I owe you, Nick." "A little bit more." "There we go." "Son of a bitch!" "Hi." "Hi." "The door was open so I thought I`d just come in." "Good." "Sure." "Yeah." "Is everything OK?" "actually, no." "I just destroyed dinner." "Ma usually does the cooking." "I`m not really that hungry anyway." "really?" "Good." "Very good." "And this, of course, is my room." "I gotta decorate it up." "It`s starting to look like an old EIks` lodge." " It`s nice." " Oh, and what is this?" "I guess the maid left it." "You were planning this." "No." "I wasn`t planning anything, you know." "I didn`t expect you to just come in here and, you know, jump in..." "No, I didn`t mean that." "I meant..." "A little bit, I was planning." "Butjust a little bit." "I, you know..." "Just this far." "It`s OK." "I told my father I was gonna spend the night at my girIfriend`s house." "really?" "Yeah." "Hey, that`s great." " What is it?" " Oh, it`s silly, you know, really." "What it is, it`s just..." "catholic guilt is what it is." "It`s exactly what it is." "Sorry." "That`s better." "Now, you were saying something about..." "I understand this." "Morning!" "Time to wake up!" "Come on!" " Rise and shine!" "It`s breakfast." " You made me breakfast?" "well, sort of, yeah." "It`s a little burnt toast and lumpy tea." "well, the tea bag burst in there and I think there are seeds and twigs and things in there." " It`s so sweet." " well, I wouIdn`t eat it, I don`t know." " What time did that girl leave?" " 11:35pm on the button." "We have a date, huh?" "I`m busy this week." "talk to me next week." "Rose!" "Hey, Rose!" "A promise is a promise!" "Damn women!" " Danny!" " Oh, my God!" "It`s my ma!" "Come on, hurry up!" "Come on!" "Let`s go!" "Come on!" " What am I gonna do?" " Hide!" "Take this." "No!" "Not here!" "Here!" "Over there!" "Over there!" " Where?" " Just wait there and don`t say anything!" "Danny?" " My clothes!" " clothes, yeah, clothes." "What is she doing home now?" " Danny, I`m home!" " Ma!" "What are you doing home so early?" "I took the early train before anybody was awake." "Oh, good." "Ma!" " What`s that for?" " Keeping your promise." "Nick said you had that dago girl out of here at 11:35 on the button." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, I almost forgot that." " I`II go to my room and unpack my bags." " OK, why don`t you do that?" " What`s this?" " It`s a hat." " It`s sacriIegious!" " Wait!" "I`II do that!" "Don`t do that when I can do that!" "When I couId have done that." "What on Earth is the matter with you?" "Nothing." "Nothing." " Didn`t you sleep well?" " Yes." "No, I didn`t, no." " We better get you a new mattress." " Oh, good idea." "A very good idea." "Yeah, that`s what we have to do." "OK, come on." "Hurry up!" "will you hurry?" "I`m 38 years old." "I don`t need this." "I`m getting chest pains." "Hurry up, will you?" " So that was your mother, huh?" " Yeah, that was her." "What do you think?" ""Dago girl"?" "Oh, that." "She`s got a very eccentric vocabulary." "Had she known you were in the room, she never would have said it, believe me." "You look very nice, by the way." "hello." "I`II be down in a minute and make you some breakfast." "Oh, that`II be nice." "Yeah, a little breakfast." " Bye." " Bye." "Ma, promise me you`II be on your best behaviour." " Oh, I will, I will." " OK." "Thank you." "There she is." " Where are her breasts?" " What?" "She`s got no breasts." "Did she have an operation?" "She`s fine." "It`s her dress." "It`s just a little big on top." " Is she anorexic or anything?" " No." "If she goes to the bathroom more than three times, it`s a sign she`s buIimic." " What?" " She`s throwing up what she just ate." " Oh, please." "Hi!" " Hi." "How are you?" "Ma, this is Theresa." "Theresa, this is my mother." "pleased to meet you, Mrs MuIdoon." " Rose." "I`m Rose." " Rose." " Oh, that`s a lovely dress you`re wearing." " Oh, thank you." " Even though it is a little big on top." " Ma!" " well, it is." "You said so yourself." " Ma!" "No, that`s a problem I have." "I`m not really that endowed on top." "No, no, no." "You`re built like a 13-year-oId boy." " would you please don`t start?" " It`s ajoke." "I`m trying to make jokes." "I`m trying to lighten things up." "OK." "Thank you." " Any cocktails?" " I`II have a beer." "Don`t try to sneak any of that sour, imported swiII off on me at $6." "Just a plain glass of Budweiser." " Yes, ma`am." "Sir?" " I`II have a beer." "Just any beer is fine." " Yes, ma`am?" " I`II have a vodka, double, on the rocks." " Good." " Oh, a vodka drinker." "Ma, Theresa`s probably a little nervous, you know, being here with us." " You can understand that." " It`s the first signs of alcoholism." " What?" " I read it in Reader`s Digest," " Rose, I can assure you I`m not an alcoholic." " denial." "That`s another symptom." "The article said that one shot of vodka was equal to all of the calories in a ham sandwich." "Good." "Maybe I`II gain some weight and grow breasts for you." "That`s funny." "Growing breasts." "Let`s order, shall we?" "shall we order?" "Theresa." "Ma." " I know what I`m having." " Yes, sir?" "I`II have the shrimp cocktail, please." "And the Caesar salad, no anchovies." "And the prime rib, medium." " Very good." " Make that medium rare." " Very good, sir." " Thank you." "There you go." "Thank you." "Ma`am?" " I`II have the grilled chicken." "That`s all." " Don`t you want any appetiser?" " No, thank you." " Don`t push it." "Ma`am?" " Nothing." " Nothing?" " Nothing for me." " Ma." " Just bread." " Ma!" "Bread`s fine, thank you." "Thank you." " Are you trying to ruin this dinner?" " I`m trying to save you $50." "I`II fill up on bread and I`II eat something when I get home." " I don`t believe this." " Now, Theresa." "Danny tells me that you`re SiciIian." "Yes." "Part." " Part?" " My father is SiciIian." "My mother was polish." " polish?" " Yes." " polish?" " I meant to tell you." " polish?" " polish." "I had a polack friend once." "She was incredibly stupid." " Don`t do this, Ma." " julie Kapowski." "She was the stupidest woman that I ever knew." "She believed that black cows... black cows squirted chocolate milk." " I think you should have dinner alone." " Wait." "Have my chicken." "Cut it up in small pieces and devour it." "You seem to be very good at that." "Theresa!" "Are you all right?" "I`ve never been in an argument." "I`ve never said those things to anybody." " I feel like I`m gonna throw up." " Just take a deep breath." "You`II be fine." "I actually stood up for myself for the first time in my Iife." " Not that I had much choice." " What?" " You just sat there." "You didn`t do anything." " Like what?" "I don`t know, scream at her, slap her, just get her to leave me alone." " Theresa, she`s my mother." " So that gives her the right to rip me apart?" " What was I supposed to do?" " Fight for me." "Fight for you?" "You`ve gotta understand my mother." "She`s old, she`s set in her ways." "It`s gonna take her a while to get used to you." " No, it won`t." " Why not?" "Because I won`t be around." " Oh, please, don`t do this." " No." "I want a guy who`II always fight for me." "Who`II always stand up for me." "Who`II never let me down." "I thought that guy was you." "I was wrong." " Wait a minute, Theresa." " Taxi!" "Come on!" "What are you doing?" "Don`t do this." "Come on, don`t do this." "Theresa, Iet`s talk about it, all right?" "Just talk to..." "I`m starving." "I`m going to the kitchen to get something to eat." " I suppose you`re proud of yourself." " Just telling it like it is." " That`s been your excuse for the Iast 67 years." " My excuse?" "For hurting people whenever the hell you feel like it." "I don`t hurt people." "No?" "You didn`t hurt Aunt dolly on her wedding day when you said she looked like a Las Vegas hooker?" "Did you see the dress?" "The back was cut down to here." "You could see the crack of her..." "well, it was indecent." "And you didn`t hurt Cousin Jerry when you called his German wife a Nazi who probably slept with hitler?" "well, there`s no proof that she didn`t." "I guess you never hurt Dad, either." "I never hurt your father." "Ever." "FIorsheim Shoes?" " How do you know about that?" " You came home late." "You were arguing." "I woke up, I didn`t know what was going on." "So I listened in at the door." "A little spy." " Come on, I was only 12." " Spy!" " FIorsheim Shoes was his big account." " Danny!" " You blew it in one night." " Don`t." "AII he had to do was sign a deal at dinner." "One fancy dinner with a VP from FIorsheim." "I`m going to bed." "No, you`re not." "Everything was fine that evening." "Dinner was perfect." "Dad had `em in the palm of his hand until you decided it was time to tell it like it is." "I was right." "I still stand by what I said." "You called Dad`s bosses filthy Jew ShyIocks." "They never gave him a raise." "Not in 12 years." "Not one Christmas bonus." "Ma, the vice president of FIorsheim and his wife were Jewish." "How was I to know?" "They didn`t look Jewish." "I didn`t mean them." "They took it personal." "You lost the account for him. $450,000 to the company." "He`s lucky he didn`t lose his job." "Your father never stood up to his bosses." "It was time somebody set the record straight." "That night was the only time I ever heard my father cry." "And still to this day... you still tell it like it is." "I don`t mean to hurt people." "really." " Where are you going?" " To HaIstead." "My friend owns ajeweIIery shop." "He owes me a favour." "I`II make him open his store, then I`II buy the biggest engagement ring I can afford." "Then I`m gonna ask Theresa Luna to be my wife." "Just telling it like it is, Ma." " What are you doing?" " well, I was in the neighbourhood and I thought I`d drop by." "Sometimes it`s good to be a cop." "What do you want?" "I just want to say that I`II always stand by you." "And I`II never let you down again." "I swear." "And..." "I got the light blue stones." "well, I thought you`d like that." "will you marry me?" "Yes." "Great." "Yeah!" "Danny!" "AII right!" "AII right!" "Hey, Mr Happy, how about a towel?" "Getting married." "MaiI-order bride?" "That Bobby`s a real asshole, you know that?" "Hey, Danny." "well, my best friend is making the biggest mistake of his life, so I thought that deserved a toast." " I don`t know why you`re doing it." " I told you, it`s because I Iove her." "And your mother..." "she hates ItaIians, you know that." " She got used to you." " Took her 15 years." "And she`II get used to Theresa." " Yeah, but she`s gonna miss you, Danny." " I`m just getting married, that`s all." "She`s taking this fine." "She`s handling it very well." " She is?" " Yes, she is." " really?" " Yes." " Mrs MuIdoon." " Oh, yeah, right." " hello, sal." " Jesus, Mom!" "What are you doing here?" "Stop fussing, I probably diapered half of them." " Come on." " Why?" " We`ve an appointment." " With who?" " The PoIack priest." " PoIack priest?" " Why?" " We`ve got to settle our problems." " Can`t this wait till later?" " Protestants and Jews go to the psychiatrist." "We go to the priest." " You feel threatened by Theresa." " Threatened?" "Yes." "See, she`s taking up a Iot of Danny`s time." "You`re threatened that she`s stealing your son." " What?" " Rose," "I know you realise it`s the `90s." "I`m just not sure you realise it`s the 1990s." "I`ve never been threatened by anyone." "And I`ve been through D-day, Korea, Vietnam..." "Just relax." "You see that?" "That`s what I don`t want to become." "I don`t want to be one of those ladies who spends the rest of their lives standing in line." "Standing in line?" "They stand in line for the confessional even though they have no sins to confess, just so they can blather with the priest about Vatican II." "They stand in line at the movie theatre even though they`ve seen the movie ten times just so they can complain to whoever`s near them about the price of the ticket." "And they stand in line at the grocery store, so they can complain to the cashier about the price of frozen string beans, whether they should be 29 cents or 39 cents." "And do you know why they spend so much time standing in line?" "No." "Because there`s nobody else in the whole world they can talk to." " How does that look?" " It looks real good." "feels all right, too." "What do you think?" "Do you Iike the style of this?" "Yeah, it`s fine." "Just fine?" "I thought it looked pretty good." "What`s with you?" "Come on, you`ve been moping around all day." "This is supposed to be fun." "Hey, could you guys give us a minute?" "Thanks." " Look, Danny..." " Yeah?" " I`ve been thinking." " Yeah?" "Maybe..." "Maybe this isn`t such a good idea." "What`s not a good idea?" "You know, this wedding thing." "Maybe you`re rushing into it." "I mean, you just met her a little while ago." "Maybe you should take a break." "Go to florida with Mom." "Maybe you`II meet some knockout in a bikini." " Something wrong with Theresa?" " I didn`t say that." "Did you hear me say that?" "There is nothing wrong with Theresa." " She`s just..." " Just what?" "well, she`s a little plain." "A little plain, huh?" "Yeah." "And what`s this?" "The cover of GQ?" "This is hot, huh?" " Great look." "I`II buy next month`s issue." " I just think you can do better." "I don`t think so." "This is the girl." "You got that?" "She`s the one." "Dan, take it easy." "I`m just being truthful." "We`re brothers." "We`re supposed to be truthful." " Don`t give me this two-way lawyer crap." " What does that mean?" "You don`t give a shit about me or Theresa." "You only care about yourself." " Hey, that is bullshit!" " Is it?" "You want me to change my mind." "You want me to go to florida with Ma." " Then you wouIdn`t feel so guilty." " Come on..." "Forget it." "This is my chance, you understand?" "You took your chance." "You got someone to wake up with." "You got a house full of kids." "You got a train around the Christmas tree and children in halloween outfits." "Now you want me to feel guilty for wanting the same things?" "Fuck you!" "Listen to you." "You go off and you get laid one time and you think you`re in love." "Come on." "Shit!" "It`s all right." "It`s OK." "Don`t worry about it." "I`m a cop." "It`s OK." "AII right?" "I`m sorry, I didn`t mean to hit you." "The hell I didn`t!" "I meant to hit you!" "It`s OK, I..." "I deserved it." "I was out of line." "Look, Danny, all I`m trying to say is make sure that you`re in love with this girl." "Make sure it`s real." "Wait." "I can`t take her dancing." "I`ve got to consider it." "What`s the matter with you today?" "You seem a little edgy." "I`m fine." "What is it?" "I`m fine." "really." "Come on, Danny." "I`ve got a Iot on my mind, OK?" "You can tell me." "It`s just that..." "Yeah?" "Ever since my dad died," "I`ve been in charge." "Ma and Patrick, they`ve depended on me... to be responsible, to take care of things, and I have." "I`ve always been there for them when they needed me." "Everything I`ve ever done, every decision I`ve ever made was for them." "I mean, I became a cop because Ma wanted Patrick to go to law school." "She didn`t have the extra money so I came through." "And I`d do it again." "I`m not complaining." "It`s just that... well, now... you and me... it`s the only time... the only time in my Iife" "I`ve made a decision without thinking of them first." "And..." "I guess I`m a little scared that..." "I`m afraid they`re gonna think that I`ve abandoned them." "I know that sounds stupid, I just..." "I just don`t want to lose my family." " There you go." " Hey, hey, Danny!" "hello, got beer behind you here." "Excuse me." "Thank you." "Joey, how`s the stiff business?" "Oh, thank you, Father." "Good evening, Joey." "congratulations." "This is my wife." "glad to know you." "AII right!" "This is a very sad day for meself and Spats." "We lose a valuable member of our exclusive club, BacheIorhood." "Excuse me." "I would Iike to make a speech." "But I would Iike to make a speech in Greek." "And who would understand it but me?" "But anyway, Danny, Theresa, to speak Greek, you only need three words:" "It means" ""I Iove you."" "AII right, everybody, I`d like to propose a toast." "To my beautiful daughter and her future husband." "Tomorrow you`II be married." "One little word of advice, OK?" "Let nothing come between you." " Salute," " Salute!" "So my son is getting married." "And it seems that all of you approve of his choice." "But you haven`t heard my side of the story." "I refuse... and I repeat, I absolutely refuse to accept Theresa Luna as my daughter-in-Iaw." "I will only accept her... as my daughter." "really?" " Good night, Ma." "Had a great time." " It was a wonderful evening." " Good night, now." "Drive carefully." " OK." "Good night." "Ma, I`m gonna take Theresa home." "I`II drive you to the Irish village." "We`II talk treason." " Thanks, but I am a little tired." " Come on, it`s not even midnight, Rose." "Excuse me." "Ma, do not get in the car with that man tonight." " He`s been drinking." " I`II go straight home." " You promise?" " I promise." " Good night, Ma." " Good night." " My car`s over here." " I promised Danny I`d go straight home." "It`s all right." "Come on, Rose, it`s a big night." "We should be celebrating." " No, I`m tired." " Just one little drink..." " No, I don`t want anything to drink." " Oh, come on, Rose." " We`re driving to Niagara falls?" " I thought that would be neat." "We can`t go to Niagara falls." "It`s too cold." " It`II be fine." " It`s freezing." " We`II go to New York and see some shows." " Broadway shows?" " You could pick up some pointers." " Wait, look." "That`s our wedding cake." "Oh, wow." "Look at that." " This is ours?" " Yeah." "It`s so pretty." " This guy`s good." " Yeah, he`s great." "It`s so pretty." "I`m so excited about tomorrow." "I`m so happy." " How about a drink?" "Just one little drink." " No, thanks." "I don`t want anything to drink." "Are you sure you`II be able to drive?" "Positive." " My God, you`re driving all over the street." " Look, I`m fine." "Shut up." "Watch out where you`re going!" "Oh, my God!" "You`re driving down a one-way street!" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Get your foot off the gas!" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Oh, daniel, I hope you have a wonderful wedding." "Danny." " Danny, are you OK?" " Excuse me." "I`II be back in a moment." "Ma?" "Oh, you`re home." "Good." "I was just checking in on you, that`s all." "I`II see you later." "OK." "Good night." "What`s wrong?" "You called her on the night before our wedding?" "Yeah, I just wanted to make sure she got home OK." " I don`t believe this." " What?" " Are we ever gonna be alone?" " What`s that supposed to mean?" "Why don`t you call her again?" "It`s been five minutes." "Maybe she burned down the house." " That`s not funny." " No, it`s not funny." "It`s sad." "It`s sad that she`s always in the back of your mind making you feel guilty." "It`s like she has some kind of hold on you." "I honestly believed that if we loved each other enough... maybe you could let her go." "And what am I supposed to do?" "Just forget about her?" " SIough her off?" "Pretend she doesn`t exist?" " No, just stop letting her run your life." "Be your own person, your own man." "And put us first." "You can`t." "Can you?" "I don`t know." "It`s midnight." "I`d better be going." "It`s bad luck to see the bride after midnight." "There you go, Ma." " Seen Danny yet, or what?" " He should be here by now." "Yeah." "You would think so." "Danny." "Hi." " Susan, is Theresa here yet?" " No." " She didn`t call or anything?" " No, not yet." "Keep going." "Thanks, Mary." " Hi, Frank." " Morning, Danny." " Hi, clark." " Morning, Danny." "Being your best friend, I`d like to know what happened." "Just forget it." "It was your ma." "She made you call it off, didn`t she?" "No." "It wasn`t sexual?" "You can function as a man and all, right?" " Jesus, Mary and Joseph." " It was her." "Did she want to do it like a corpse?" "They`re weird, these people that work with the dead." " What is with you?" " What?" "Does everything in your life relate to sex?" "Everything in life does relate to sex, Danny." "Think about it." "45 per cent of these people in these buildings right now are having sex of some sort." "That`s a statistic, Danny." "Am I right?" " It`s a fact." " It`s a fact." " What is with you?" "You`re twisted." " What?" "What are you thinking?" "What`s in your mind?" "You and your buddy Dr Ruth there." "Come on!" "Oh, I can hardly wait to get to florida." "Maybe I`II find a partner who`s got more than a Grape-Nut for a brain." " The usual?" " What do you suppose?" "Where`s DoyIe?" " Heart attack." " What?" "They found him this morning." "Passed away in his sleep last night." " Where`s his family?" " What family?" "His mom died 15 years ago." "He`s got a sister in a nursing home." "Never married." "No kids." "I guess we`re it." "Rose." "Before you go, I..." "We could have been great together." "I`II go back in and see if I forgot anything." "Oh, come on." "Hey, wait here, OK?" "I`m gonna go help Ma." "Do me a favour, give me the keys to your cruiser?" "Yeah, no problem, Dan." " Thanks, man." " Yeah." "You know, Danny," "I`m actually gonna miss this house." "Yeah." "well, there`s no point in getting all teary-eyed about it." "Get your bags." "Come on, Iet`s go." "What`s keeping you?" "We`II miss the plane." "I`m not going with you, Ma." "What?" "It hit me yesterday at the funeral." "If I go with you to florida," "I`d be leaving behind the best thing that ever happened to me." "And if it`s not too late, I`m gonna try to get her back." " So, you`re sending me off to florida alone." " No." "Ma, Aunt Jean and uncle walter are gonna meet you at the airport." "uncle walter." "He`s always trying to look under me skirt when I cross my legs." "Ma, come on, please." "Very well." "Fine." "Who needs you, anyway?" "Ma!" "Ma!" "I`m an old woman." "I can`t be expected to wait on you hand and foot for the rest of my Iife." "I`m sick of doing your laundry, ironing, cooking your meals." "I`ve lost gallons of sweat and buckets of blood." "AII for you." "You`ve been nothing but a ball and chain of heartache and hurt hanging around my neck for too many godforsaken years." "It`II be good riddance to you." "I`m sorry, Danny." "That`s OK, Ma." "You were just telling it like it is." "No, Danny." "I was Iying." "telling it like it is would hurt too much right now." "Go." "Marry that girl." "Have lots of Irish-dago mutts." "And every once in a while, bring them to florida to see their grandmother." "I Iove you, Ma." "I`m not so lovable." "True enough." "I`m kidding." " Danny." " Yeah?" "She`s gone." "New York." " 3:15 train." " Oh, damn." " Lois, this is Danny MuIdoon." " Yeah?" "Get me Freddie Nunzio at Union Station." "Hurry." "Ten four." "On behalf of Captain Anderson and the entire crew, we hope you have a very enjoyable flight." "My name is Laura." "I`m the first flight attendant on the flight deck." "Jesus, Mary and Joseph." "What the hell are you doing here?" "Danny gave me his ticket." "The thought of you travelling to florida all alone nearly broke my heart." "That`s why I`m here." "A kiss before takeoff?" "Forget it." "I`m going to sleep." "well, at last we get to sleep together." "folks, we have to make an unscheduled stop here." "There`s gonna be a bit of a delay." "For security reasons, everyone will have to deboard the train." "We`re sorry for the inconvenience." "Thank you." "Theresa!" "Hi." "You did all this, didn`t you?" "Sometimes it`s good to be a cop." " So what do you want?" " AII aboard!" "I..." "I just wanted..." "Don`t you hate all the stuff that goes with asking somebody to get back with you?" "I`II make it easy." "I`II give you a list of excuses." "AII you have to do is answer yes or no, OK?" "Good." "Here goes." "Reasons why you and I can`t get back together." " You`re seeing somebody else?" " No." " You`re moving into a convent?" " No." "You`re having your legs waxed?" "No." "You`ve fallen out of love with me?" "No." "No?" "No." "That`s great." "Maybe you and me, we should..." " You forgot one thing." " What?" " Your mother." " She`s gone." " To florida?" " She`s on a plane." "How do I know you won`t hop a flight to be with her tomorrow, next week or next month?" "Because I`m the one who let her go." "And I`m ready to put us first." "final boarding call for all passengers travelling to New York City." " Come on." " Where?" " well, we`re boarding." " You`re going to New York?" "I know a sergeant in the Bronx." "He transferred from Chicago." "Maybe he can pull a few strings, you know, give me a line on ajob." "You`d do that?" "You`d leave everything behind just to be with me?" "Yeah." "I Iove you." "I Iove you too." "To our homeland, or we will all die!" "Nobody move!" "Rose!" "Danny, relax." "I can take care of myself." " Is everything OK?" " CouIdn`t be better." "Come on!" "Visiontext subtitles:" "Sarah Johnston" "ENGLISH"