"Hot diggity!" "Another ringer for the old warhorse." "No fai r, Colonel." "You're invincible." "The only one who could ever whup me in horseshoes was Mildred." "But then, I could take her two out ofthree in arm wrestling." "The essence ofa good marriage is mutual respect." "Watch this." " [ Laughing ]" " Oh, rats!" "I'd even the score in golf, Colonel... ifsome lowlife hadn't stolen my clubs." "That shouldn't affectyour score as long as they didn't steal your eraser." "The way things are going, they'll be walkin' offwith that pretty soon." "Around here, a crime wave isn't hard to understand." "With so many people violating thou shalt not kill... thou shalt not steal seems rather palty." "Ah, horseshoes." "That explains why Sophie's trotting around in mukluks." "Hush!" "Where's your horseshoe etiquette?" "I'm just a leaner away from immortality." "Beyond immortality!" "What a streak!" "If Mildred were here, I'd even give her a run for her money." "What haveyou got there, Klinger?" "What haveyou got there, Klinger?" "A package just came in addressed to "ChiefSurgeon."" " Dr. ChiefSurgeon toyou." " Who's it from, Chief?" ""Central Avenue Photo, Highland Park, Illinois."" "Maybe it's those missing reels from DavidandSheba's Bath." " Oh, goody." "The underwater scenes." " Here, you read, I'll open." ""Dear, sir." "I am sending this gift as a small token ofmy gratitude..." ""to the surgeon who saved my boy, gregor." ""Please see that he gets this, along with my everlasting thanks." "Sincerelyyours, Dimity Popadopalous."" " Hey, look at this." "It's a Polaroid." " Looks like a camera to me." "It is." "The new kind that develops its own pictures." "I've heard ofthose." "It's like it's got its own little drugstore inside." "Popadopalous." "gregor Popadopalous." "This is fantastic!" "You can get a finished picture in 60 seconds." "Will wonders never cease." "I still can't get used to indoor plumbing." "How am I ever going to thank him?" " Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "getyour hands off my camera!" " What doyou mean your camera?" "I did the bowel resection on Popadopalous." "I remember kidding him about his long name." "I said he needed two dog tags." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, if your memoy is so perfect... how comeyou don't remember that I'm the one who patched the artey in his leg?" "Just look atyou." "A boy's father makes a gesture ofthanks, and this is the thanks he gets?" "Sounds to me like that camera belongs to the both ofyou." "Ifyou can't buy that, I'll be glad to cut it in half." "Uh, how does it feel to be the co-owner of a Polaroid Land Camera?" "Yeah, okay, you can be co-owner, but I get to use it first." " Whyyou?" " Because I know photography." " Oh, you do, do you?" " Like the back of my hand." "I don't understand it." "What are we doing wrong?" " Eveything." " Well, how are the photogs coming?" " Eveything." " Well, how are the photogs coming?" "Brilliantly." "Pierce is demonstrating his mastey ofblack and what photography." "Oh, really?" "And I supposeyou could do better?" "I could." "So could J. Fred Muggs." "Major, areyou familiar with this equipment?" "No, Father." "I restrict my expertise to cameras." "I have a superb collection ofthe finest german equipment... including Rolleiflex, Leica, of course." "Major, looks likeyou and I are fellow shutterbugs." "Except I always buy American." "I got me a Brownie Hawkeye." "Oh, really?" "Why don't you come by sometime?" "I'll autograph it." "Sory to interrupt the photo session, but we've got wounded on the way." "From one bleak picture to another." "You know, I took a snap back home I'm really proud of." "Keep it right on the mantle." "It's a ponywith a hat on." " Oh." "You are indeed an artist." " Oh!" "Thankyou." "And another time, Mildred and I were up on Heavenly Hill." "Therewas this big full moon, and suddenly it hit me." "I took mytrusty Brownie and had Mildred stand just so." "Then Isnappedoff.a few... anddoggone iftheydon't lookejust like Mildred's holdin'herselfa handful ofmoon." "Old soldiers never die, they just keep taking snapshots." "Nurse, I'm a little concerned about all the dirt we're flushing out ofthis wound." "How's the penicillin holding up?" "Well, what hasn't been stolen is locked up in the storeroom." "Damn thieves." "Theywon't get their hands on this batch... ifl have to sleepwith it under my pillow." "Ifyou need more penicillin, I'll get it foryou." " Yes, do." "Wewill be needing it." " Your Rx is my command." "Hey, Hawk, this looks more like Father Mulcahythan your photograph does." "Ha ha, Hunnicutt." "Don't forget they laughedat Edison, theylaughed at Fulton" " They laughed at Pinky Lee." " You just wait." "It will be only minutes before I master 60-second photography." "Sixty-second photography?" "Does Pierce have a Polaroid?" "Yeah." "Clamp." "Can you imagine someone getting excited about a thing like that?" "A Polaroid?" "Come on, come on, eveybody." "Tall ones in the back." "No, no, no, notyou." "You're too short." "Staywhereyou are. get in the second row, Roy." "Leave some space in the middle there for me." "This first one's going stateside to my mother." "Klinger, do that one more time andyou'll neversee those fingers again!" "Okay, come on now, eveybody, be happy!" "Ifyou tell me to say "cheese." I will tell you "good-bye."" "Quiet, Winchester." "And tilt your head a little." "We're getting some glare offit." "Major, I don't thinkyou're doing this right." "It ought to be boy, girl, boy, girl." "Please, please, Colonel." "Please, let me handle this." "Pierce!" "Hunnicutt!" "I've done my part!" "Now get out here with your camera!" "How could you just go to O.R. and leave it on the bed?" " How could I leave something you wouldn't let me get my hands on?" " Out of spite." " All right, boys, what's all the tumult?" " The camera's been stolen!" " [ Together] What?" " I don't believe this." "Probably a representative ofthe Society for the Prevention ofCruelty to Film." " What doyou mean stolen?" " Our resident klepto must have lifted it while we were in O.R." "Damn it!" "I've had it up to my eyebrows with all this filching!" "And I'm gonna do something about this before we all end up standing around in our skivvies!" "Easy, Colonel." "A camera can be replaced, but blood pressure is forever." " The hell with my blood pressure!" "Klinger!" " Yes, sir!" " Fill out that stolen goods report on the camera!" " Klinger." " Yo!" " The thiefwas nice enough to leave the box." " Come on." "I'll giveyou the serial number from it." " You M.P '. s, come with me." "I'm gonna getyou boys some reinforcements." "This thing is bigger than both ofyou." "You imbecile!" "How could you do this to my mother?" "You promised us steak and this isn't it." "I know, because I cary a picture ofsteak in mywallet with the rest of my loved ones." "I made that promise before someone raided the icebox." "He stole all the beef and just left the cold cuts." " At least we know now we're not dealing with an idiot." " What's the war coming to?" "Rememberwhen we first moved here?" "You could go to bed and leaveyour tent unlocked." "At night, you could walk through the minefield without having yourwallet stolen." " Klinger, what doyou hear about our camera?" " Not a peep, sirs." "You'd think after a week they could at least come up with a dead end." "The trouble is, the way this crime wave is spreading..." "I'm sure C.ID. has more ofthese reports than it can handle." "So, we get lost in the shuffle?" "I'm not giving up that camera without a fight." " Oh,yes, ofcourse I'll wait." "In fact, I'll be glad to." " That's tellin' him, Hawk." "There's no point arguing with the clerk." "He's putting me on with his superior." " Hello, Corporal?" "Now we're getting somewhere." " Corporal." "Uh, my name is Pierce, Captain Benjamin Franklin of MASH 4077." "I'm calling about a stolen goods report that I filed on a Polaroid camera." "Uh, we" " I filed it" "What?" "Uh, Polaroid." "It's a" " It's a camera." "It-It-It developed its own pictures." "No, I'm not kidding you." "No." "No, this is not Crazy Al ofSpecial Services." "Would-Would you just" " I'm" "Yeah." "[ Chuckles ]" "Yeah, I guess you could take those kinds of pictures." "Yeah. [ Chuckles ]" "Yeah." "No, no, no." "No, I haven't taken one because I don't have the camera because it's been stolen, remember?" "It would be faster ifwe got Popadopalous to send us another one." "I did file a stolen goods report." "That's why I'm calling you." "Will you-Will you just check into this?" "Will you-Will you just check in to it?" "What?" "Oh." "I" " I see." "I- His clerk takes care ofthis." "I should have known." "Hello, Private?" "How'veyou been?" " He told us he'd get to the bottom ofthis." " Those guys are tough." "Their motto is- he who hesitates gets promoted." "Uh-huh." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Uh-huh, uh-huh." "Uh-huh." "No, I see, I see." "Thankyou." "Thanks vey much." "So, what's the stoy?" "Uh, Klinger, uh, they're having a little problem with the stolen goods report ofyours." "What, they couldn't read my typing?" "They couldn't read it because they didn't receive it." " Areyou sureyou sent it?" " Of course." "I may be pathetic and inept, but I ain't dumb." "That report was filled out in triplicate and sent offlast week... and I can prove it with my file copy." "Eveything strictly by the book." "Stolen good Reports." "Here we go." "Filed under "g" for "goniffed."" " You can always tell a Kelly girl." " Here you go, my file copy." " C.ID. copy." " "I" Corps's copy." "Oh, my god!" "I distinctly remember sending that stuff out." "What'd you do, send empty envelopes?" " I must have sent 'em the carbon paper." " What an original mistake." "Look, I'm sory." "I'll send it right away." " I'll even postmark ityesterday so it'll get there sooner." " What's the point?" "You've already given 'em a week's head start." "We'll never see that camera again." "That's a shame too, 'cause I'd really love to take a picture of Klinger doing his job." "I wouldn't have to wory about him moving." "[DoorOpens, Closes ]" "[ Laughing ]" "## [Jukebox:" "Big Band]" "Rosie." " I need a favor." " Sure, Klinger." " Anything for a friend... with $5.00." " I just wanna talk." "Okay, $3.00." "Where would a guy sell, uh, stolen merchandise around here?" "You talking to the wrong person." "I'm strictly legit." "Okay, $5.00." " You heard ofa place called Little Chicago?" " Little Chicago?" "What's that?" "Big place in field somewhere." "Just like Macy's, except eveything there stolen from gimbels." " Black market, huh?" " Pitch black." "That sounds like what I'm lookin' for." "Where is this place?" "Always one step ahead ofthe law." "You think MASH mobile?" "This Little Chicago really toddlin' town." "Where is it right now?" "Uh-oh." "Rosie's memoy seems to be slipping." "How much, uh, to cureyour amnesia?" "Ah, Klinger, you just like family." "Three dollars." "[ No Audible Dialogue]" "[ Chattering ]" "[Chattering Continues ]" " Fifty cent, huh, foryou. g.I., vey good." " This good." "Vey good." "Vey good." " [Man ] This come in last week." " [Woman ] G.I." "[ Chattering Continues ]" " Oh, $20." "Okay, $20." " Twenty dollars?" "Ten, 1 0." "Okay." "[ Speaking Korean ]" "Hey, this is the watch I lost last year." "Where did you get it?" "Wait a minute, g.I. How doyou know it's yourwatch?" "Well, how many Lady Benrus's doyou have that say Max Klinger on the back?" " This my last one." "Twenty dollars." " Twenty dollars?" "Of course." "It's monogrammed." "Why do I have to pay to buy my own watch back?" "You no like it, there's complaint department." " So what doyou got in cameras?" " I got no cameras." "Ty over there." "good radio." "Thankyou." "Hey, buddy, I'm lookin' for a special kind of camera." "Makes its own pictures." "You push a button, pull it out from the other side and wait a while and" "Oh, you mean Polaroid." "You lucky." "This brand-new." "Come in last week." "I had a feeling it did." "How much?" " Foryou, 80 bucks." " Eighty bucks?" "Forget it." "All I got is 50." "Okay, in that case, 75." "Take it or leave it." "I'm tellin' ya, I've only got 50." " How about 60?" " Sold." "## [ Klinger Singing ]" "## [ Continues ]" "## [ Ends ]" " [Turns Engine Off]" " Hi, fellas." "What's goin' on?" "Just setting up a routine check ofall vehicles, Corporal." "Well, check away." "Always willing to cooperate with men carying automatic weapons." "What areyou lookin' for?" "C.ID.'s comin' down hard on all the stealing that's been goin' on." "Yeah, well, you don't have to tell me about stolen merchandise." "Mind ifl look at that camera, Corporal?" "Of course I don't mind." "But I think it's important foryou to know it was stolen." "## [ Humming ]" "Serial number and initials match." "Corporal, areyou aware this camera's been stolen?" "Yeah, sure." "I just found it and bought it." "It belongs to Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt." "Well, I'll be seein' you." " good luckwith your roadblock." " Hold it, Corporal." "It says here it belongs to Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt." "You acquainted with these men?" "Acquainted?" "I'm the one who filed the report." "I'm Max Klinger." "We got a report filed here by a Corporal Maxwell Q Klinger." " I am Maxwell Q Klinger." " Boy, you got an answer for eveything, don't you, fella?" " All right, step out ofthe jeep, soldier." " Oh, boy." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt." "I'm Hunnicutt, he's Pierce." "You must be an M.P. You have an arresting smile." " Is this yours?" " Beej, look, our baby!" "Oh, come to papa." "I thought I'd never gaze into that little lens again." "You're absolutely positive this is your camera?" " Absolutely." " Positively." "Look, it even has my B.F.P. scratched right there." "Wait a minute." "You scratched your initials in our camera?" "An old habit from summer camp where initials are 9/1 0ths ofthe law." "Well, don't forget that 5/1 0ths ofthe camera is mine." "Just sign this statement identifying this as the item..." " thatyou reported stolen." " You bet." "I'll scratch my initials on that too, ifyou don't mind." "New camp habit." "Fine work, young man." "glad to see somebody's on the beam." "We like to work fast, sir." "See, we got the report yesterday, soyou get the camera back today." "We would have gotten it a week ago if Klinger had filed that report when he should have." "Is that so?" "Would you initial this here too, please?" " Oh, I'd be happy to." " Where was the camera finally found?" " In a box ofstolen CrackerJacks?" " Did you nab the desperado?" "Yes, sir." "We caught him red-handed." " Boy, I'd like to get my hands on that guy." " Who was the creep anyway?" "Corporal Maxwell Klinger." " [ Laughing ]" " Wh-What, areyou kidding?" "Son, your helmet must be a little snug." "Klinger's our company clerk." "See, in order to have a criminal mentality, one must first have a mentality." "Sergeant, as commander ofthis unit, I can attest Klingerwould never take that camera." "Yeah, well, the neighbors are always surprised." " We caught him dead to rights." " We're two ofhis best buddies." "Maybe, butyou're also gonna be two of our best witnesses." "This is pretty damning evidence." " Wait a minute!" "Wait a second." " Sory, Captain." "You got a problem, you talk to C.ID." "Andso I took the M.P.'s back to the spot where Little Chicago was... and the whole place was gone." " Not a trace." " It's been a long day foryou, hasn't it, son?" "How would you like to spend three hours in a detention cell... with a drunken Mongolian pickpocket?" "He tried to lift mywallet four times." "Five." "Well, we all wanted you to know you've got our complete support." "Does that include the witnesses for the prosecution?" "Hey, wait a second." "All we did was tell them it was our camera." "You also told them that I held back the stolen goods report for a week." "We wouldn't have said anything at all ifwe'd known you were the one who stole it." "Well, y-you know what I mean." "You guys are gonna be wonderful on the stand." "Why don't we just call the firing squad now and avoid the rush?" "I lay out 60 bucks tying' to help my friends, and this is the thanks I get." " Come on." "We're not ungrateful." "Don't give me that stuff." " You know we would never" "Now, now, eveybody calm down and let grayer heads prevail." "Let's look at the facts." "Before the army gets involved in a court-martial... there's gotta be an investigation." "Why?" "Colonel, I'm like a son toyou, aren't I?" "The Lebanese lad I never had." "And you know I'd never lie toyou ifthe chips were really down." "I'd bet my carcass on it." "Then, believe me, sir, I didn't steal anything." "There." "Nowyou don't have to investigate me." "I wish it were up to me, son, but the army's got its own way of doing things." "That's why they've assigned an independent, impartial investigator." "A total stranger?" "Someone who's never broken bread with me?" "Never basked in the warmth of my smile?" "Klinger, put down the shovel." "You're innocent." "This investigatorwill find out he's on a wild-goose chase." "Oh, yeah?" "With my luck, he'll be some weeny guy... who's just itchin' for a chance to get even for the lousy hand life dealt him... who resents swarthy men of action." "So this is what he meant when he said he was a photography buff." " Aren'tyou a trifle overexposed?" " [ Chuckles ]" "You were just supposed to watch the camera." "Now, gentlemen, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to, uh... bring my passport up to date." "In mere seconds, I will showyou the proper use ofthis toy." " Forget it, Marlene." " I'm really not in the mood." "I was before, but I'm certainly not now." "I take it things are not looking up for ourthiefofBaghdad." "Oh, he'll be fine as long as he doesn't find out where the colonel hid his razor." "One can hardly blame Klinger." "Even the most inept investigator's gonna stumble onto the shadowy career... of our dead-end kid cum laude." "He's right, you know." "The only reason the army let him in was because prison turned him down." "What're we supposed to do?" "Toss a blanket over him until the investigator leaves?" "Whileyou gentlemen ponder the next chapter of Crime and Punishment..." "I will show you a magnificent portrait of  [ B.J. ] Your better half." " [Hawkeye Laughing]" "They're here." "Klinger, this is the best damnejob ofcataloging I've everseen." "No telling how many lives you have saved." "Hello." " Captain, this is B.J. Hunnicutt, my esteemed colleague." " Hi." "And this is Corporal Maxwell Klinger, our even more esteemed company clerk." "gentlemen, this is Captain Triplett from C.ID. headquarters." " Pleased to meetyou, Corporal." " Pleased to meetyou, sir!" "Corporal" " Oh, beg pardon." "I didn't know we had company." "Colonel Potter, meet Captain Arvin Triplett, special investigator from C.ID." " Pleased to meetyou, Colonel." " Likewise, Captain." "I'm afraid you caught me in mid-paperwork." "Doyou mind ifl do a little business with my clerk?" "Itwon't take long." " Certainly, Colonel." " Corporal, are this week's requisitions ready for my" "Hancock, comma,John, sir!" "Now, how areyou coming with that detailed inventoy ofthe supply room?" " All completed, sir." " Isn't he unbelievable?" " Oh, he's a real papertiger." " Now for the really tough one." "Haveyou completed indexing the patients' medical records for the lastyear?" "Oh, come on, Colonel, he's only human." "Cross-indexed to blood type, sir." "Also to height and mother's maiden name." "Evey so often I toss him a knuckleball, but wouldn'tyou know it, he always handles it." "No time for blushing, sir." "I'm offto post-op to read to the soldiers with eye damage." "Well, thanks to Klinger, the rest of my day is free. [ Chuckles ]" "Now what can I doyou for, Captain?" "Well, ifyou don't mind, Colonel, I think I'd like to go to my tent and unpack my things." " Of course." " If Klinger hasn't beaten me to it." " Mm-hmm." " Uh-huh." "And then Klinger said to me..." ""It's not the quantity of souls in your parish... but the quantity ofsouls in your parish that don't perish."" "Yes." "I've never forgotten that, Captain." "How could anyone forget that, Father?" " I know I can't." "Can you?" " No." "It ranks right up there with the golden Rule." "Even under the burden ofhis many responsibilities..." "I can't look up from one of my services... without seeing his smiling countenance front row center." " Klinger is a comfort to us all." "Indeed." " Indeed." "I-I think Klinger's record speaks for itself, Father." "Wowee, Father, they got cold cuts." "Yeah, that Klinger." "He's a real great guy." "Always comin' through for us." "See these fresh oranges?" "Klinger traded six cases ofC-rations for 'em." "Thanks to those phony labels he stuck on 'em... the 8063rd thinks they're gettin' French pâté. [ Laughs ]" " What a guy." " Yeah, what a guy." "Captain, here's toyour happy bon voyage from the 4077th." "Yes, the 4077th." "Home of Albert Schweitzer,Joan of Arc and Champion the Wonder Horse... all rolled into one Maxwell Klinger." "Yeah, well, you gotta admit, he's quite a guy." "Congratulations, fellas." "In the short time that I have been here... you've managed to lay on enough whitewash to cover the great Wall ofChina." "No one's tried to insult my intelligence this badly since basic training." "Wewouldn't havewhitewashed him ifwe didn't think hewas a prettyterrific guy." "Maybewe overdid it a little, but it's only becausewe care about him." "You can't bewith someone day and night for months... without learning somethin' about his character." "Down to my bones, I know that boy did not swipe the camera." " Relax." "Klinger's offthe hook." " What doyou mean he's offthe hook?" "I've found absolutely no hard evidence that points to Corporal Klinger's guilt." "Oh." "Now that's more like it." "Yeah, sure he's obviously a top-notch finagler and con artist... but the army's full ofthose." "Oh, this calls for another round." "Rosie." "Let's have some drinks on me to the man ofthe hour, Captain Triplett." "Comin' up." "Oh, by the way, when you see Klinger, give him a message for me." "Tell him the heat is on." "C.ID. is investigating stolen goods." "So this bad time to sell anything in Little Chicago." "Okay, I'll get those drinks now." "No." "Not for me." "I've just gone back to work." "Max, it's moments like this when I wish I were still a buck private..." " diggin' a trench at Vimy Ridge." "J ust lay it on the line, Colonel." "Son, the official recommendation from Captain Triplett is that within the next few days... you be brought up on charges for a special court-martial." "Court-martial?" "What'll they do to me ifI'm found guilty?" "They'll probably giveyou six months." "Well, at least the stockade is safer than this place." "North Koreans aren't gonna waste their expensive mortar rounds on a license plate factoy." "I don't wanna throw a dart in that optimistic balloon ofyours... but that's six months at hard labor." "Hard labor." "I don't like either ofthose words." "get's worse, lad." "They'll slapyou with a dishonorable discharge." "Which means no vet benefits... plus a civilian criminal record doggin' you for the rest ofyour life."