"Well, alfer, it's up to you." "An alien's got to do what an alien's got to do." "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." "This guy's gonna be rice pudding, yeah." "Freeze !" "Don't you know what freeze means ?" "[ Police ] you in the house, come out with your hands up." "Mommy !" "[ Alf ] and that's what happened last week." "**" "[Ring]" "Hello ?" "It's alf." "Tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me." "Dad said to come in here if you want to talk." "He says that's going to be a problem." "Hello, alf." "Oh, willie, willie, willie !" "What have i done ?" "I don't know." "What have you done ?" "Did you see "dog day afternoon" ?" "Where are you ?" "[ Police ] the house is surrounded." "Come out with your hands up." "Please hold." "No dice !" "I'm armed, i'm dangerous," "And i'm off my medication." "The cops have somebody cornered in my house !" "As you may have gathered," "I'm in big trouble." "You're always in trouble." "Yeah, but even on the alf scale," "This one's a humdinger." "I need help !" "What happened ?" "Long story short " "I saw a burglar and scared him away." "Now, i'm trapped, and i'm scared !" "Oh, the irony of it all." "Can't you make a run for it ?" "I take it you didn't see the end of "butch cassidy" either." "No, i didn't." "You've got to do something." "They might storm the house." "Oh, yeah." "I've got hostages in here." "Think that'll hold them ?" "Or should i say that the hostages are nuns ?" "No nuns.None !" "I'm coming over." "Okay, but hurry !" "These guy won't give you a grace period ..." "If you catch my drift." "Alf's trapped at the ochmonek's." "I know the feeling." "I'm going over." "Me, too." "No, it's too dangerous." "You might lose your cool when the bullets start flying." "There'll be bullets ?" "That's ridiculous." "Willie, be careful." "I will." "By the way, how did "butch cassidy" end ?" "They were gunned down." "It was really cool." "I can dig it." "[ Alf ] if any of you try to come in here," "You'll be eating more lead than a pencil sharpener." "He's bluffing." "Use the battering ram." "We haven't got a battering ram." "Where are my tax dollars going ?" "Get back, lady." "They're probably going to gary hart." "You say you've got hostages." "How do we know they're all right ?" "[ Alf ] just a second !" "How are you guys ?" "[ Alf impersonating hostages ] fine.Great. Couldn't be better." "There you are." "Uh, officer griswald ..." "what's going on ?" "Tanner, you finally called one right." "You've got the burglar ?" "Not yet, but he's surrounded." "Are you going in ?" "Not while he has hostages." "We're americans !" "We don't negotiate with terrorists." "No !" "No !" "No !" "Maybe i should go in there." "Tanner, we'll handle this now." "You in there." "If you refuse to negotiate, we'll have to use tear gas." "Yes !" "Tear gas, tear gas !" "[ Everyone chanting ] tear gas, tear gas !" "[ Everyone chanting ] tear gas, tear gas !" "[ Click ]" "[ Click ]" "[ Click ]" "Where's the violence and mayhem when you need it ?" "[ Click ]" "[ Sound of gunfire ]" "Thank heavens for sam peckinpah." "Everybody down, he's got a gun !" "So what ?" "He doesn't have a gun." "Where would he get one ?" "Hey, don't think you're playing with a greenhorn." "[ Alf ] i've got enough powder in here ..." "To blow up the chrysler building." "The chrysler building is 3,000 miles away." "He must have a heck of a charge." "Medic !" "Bring this man a brain." "Allright,in there, hold your fire." "Tell us what you want." "I don't want anything for myself," "But the hostages are hungry." "Right guys ?" "[ Imitating hostages ] you said it.Sure are." "I'm famished." "[ Alf ] hear that ?" "Send us 5 pizzas, and a cat." "A cat ?" "[ Alf ] who said a cat ?" "[ Hostage ]i did." "[ Alf ]you idiot !" "We've got a satan-Worshiper in here !" "Gaffney, get the pizzas." "Aw, i got the food last week for the sniper." "Another squad car !" "Alf's busted for sure." "Oh, no." "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime." "My dad's cell mate put that on a pot holder." "Don't worry." "Alf is not going to jail." "[ Siren ] though a short sentence might do him good." "Will alf be all right ?" "The house is surrounded, there's a mob outside," "And the swat team's on its way." "You be the judge." "[ Ring ]" "The ochmonek's aren't here." "If you don't mind, i'm a little busy right now." "Alf, wait." "It's willie." "Prove it." "What's your middle name ?" "[ Whispers ] francis." "Francis ?" "Ha-Ha !" "No wonder you never told me." "Ha-Ha !" "All right !" "Sorry, willie, i'm panicking." "Listen, the swat team is on its way." "Well, that calmed me right down." "This is doug gould, channel 6 news," "Reporting live from 169 hemdale avenue." "Doug gould !" "That blow-Dried vulture ?" "This seemingly calm suburban street ..." "Is about to run red with blood." "[ Gasp ]" "Wait, why am i worried ?" "My blood is green." "An undetermined number of hostages are being held ..." "By a deranged gunman." "Who are you calling "deranged" ?" "You video tapeworm." "With me now is officer izzy griswald," "The first policeman on the scene." "[ Alf ] hey, copper !" "Where are the pizzas ?" "What can you tell us about the hostages ?" "They're hungry." "Actually, we don't know who they are," "But we believe they're unharmed." "That's good news ..." "except from a ratings standpoint." "[ Laughs ]" "Sir," "The food ..." "is here." "Excuse me." "That was officer izzy griswald," "Who is in charge of the operation." "And who might you be ?" "I'm mrs." "Byrd, 148 hemdale." "I'm doug gould." "I watch your show all the time." "You know my work ?" "I know it, and hate it." "We'll be back after this word from arby's." "It's going to be a long night." "Is this the night we set the clocks back ?" "[ Alf ] what's going on out there ?" "Some of us think we smell pizza." "Don't we guys ?" "Me, too." "Yeah !" "I smell it." "Wish we had some." "Yeah, the pizza just got here." "Come on out and get it." "[ Alf ] i'll be right out." "[ Willie ] don't come out." "Oh, yeah." "We're not hungry, anymore, are we ?" "Couldn't eat a thing." "Wouldn't not me.Touch it." "Shut up !" "Thanks for nothing, tanner." "I can't believe you did that." "I just don't want anybody to get hurt." "I can't believe the pizza arrived before the swat team." "Try waiting for the coroner." "I have." "Maybe this guy just wants publicity." "If we all leave, he might let the hostages go." "Maybe if we open the cell doors," "The criminals would just walk in." "Wouldn't the criminals who are already in," "Walk out ?" "Your parents must be 1st cousins." "[ Trevor ] what's everybody doing on my lawn ?" "Trevor, raquel " "What's going on here ?" "Who are these people ?" "Somebody beheaded my lawn santa." "There's a burglar in your house with hostages." "That's why i left new york." "Excuse me, do you own this house ?" "Yeah." "Hey, are we on tv ?" "[ Alf ] look at trevor." "The camera really does add 20 pounds." "[ Raquel ] why do they keep robbing us ?" "There's nothing left to steal." "[ Trevor ] why don't they break into the tanner's ?" "That place is ripe for the picking." "They've got a computer, telescope, water-Pik " "It's like watching the home shopping network." "Look at uncle trevor !" "The camera really does add 80 pounds." "[ Tv ] we'll continue live after this message." "The ochmoneks are coming over." "Alf, hide in the kitchen." "I'm losing it." "I'm so worried about him." "Hello, everybody." "Did you see me on tv ?" "You looked a little puffy." "You know what they say." "The tv adds about 140 pounds." "I'm so sorry this is happening." "Do you believe our luck ?" "Why do bad things happen to good people ?" "It's kahma." "What's kahma ?" "When your lawn santa is beheaded for no apparent reason." "Oh, you mean karma." "I thought you were going to tijuana." "We remembered that we'd left the door unlocked," "And we didn't want anybody breaking in." "Now that point is moot." "What's moot ?" "Somebody buy this kid a dictionary." "I hope they catch that burglar dead or alive." "Don't say that." "[ Ring ]" "Why is he so concerned with the criminal ?" "You taught him that !" "I've got better things to do than to corrupt him." "I'm trying to corrupt her." "Mom, it's for you." "Who is it ?" "It's uh ..." "harry." "Harry, who ?" "Hairy melmacian." "Oh ..." "right." "Make it quick, okay ?" "I want to call my insurance agent." "Maybe it's not too late to get a homeowner's policy." "Hello, harry." "Hi, "too-Much-Rouge."" "How is it going ?" "Fine.I've met a lot of nice new people ..." "Who want to kill me." "That's nice." "I'm glad you're taking it so well." "I can't talk now." "We have company." "Oh, you invited people over." "I wouldn't want you to stop living because i might." "We didn't invite them." "They just dropped by." "Well, excuse us for being under siege." "Uh ..." "Willie hasn't forgotten." "We'll see you soon." "Okay, harry ?" "Do i have the right number ?" "Yes.Good bye." "Do i use too much rouge ?" "I always thought so." "Sir, the swat team will be here in 5 minutes." "What's taking so long ?" "They stormed the wrong house by mistake." "In 5 minutes, this place will be raining burglar." "Tanner, come back !" "Fire at will !" "No, no !" "Hold your fire !" "Sorry.I thought i was back in 'nam." "Who are you ?" "Oh, willie, willie." "I'm so glad to see you." "It's okay, alf." "What's your plan ?" "I don't have a plan." "There are enough people here without a plan, right guys ?" "Absolutely." "You said it." "We're sunk." "Alf, we've got to do something." "Wrap me around your neck ..." "And tell them i'm a fur stole." "Hey, i'm not married to that idea." "Testing, testing." "Can you hear me ?" "Yeah, i can hear you," "But this is no time to play "block captain."" "No, alf, i've got it !" "I've got an idea." "All we need is a place for you to hide." "How about jamaica, mon ?" "Just give me a minute." "[ Police ] this is your last chance." "Come out with your hands up." "I'm telling you, coppers, you'll never take me alive." "Ha !" "What a stupid threat." "Get in the hamper." "But raquel's unmentionables are in there." "Just get in the hamper !" "And keep making those silly demands on your walkie-Talkie." "Forget it." "If you don't surrender immediately," "We are firing tear gas." "Teartear gas !" "Teargas!" "Gas !" "I'm getting in before they start to harmonize." "This will either work, or " "Let's not think about that." "Whoa !" "How bad does tear gas smell ?" "Get down." "Did i mention that i'm claustrophobic ?" "I am !" "Don't shoot !" "He's not here." "Hold your fire." "I don't want to hear anything from you, lady." "We're coming in." "Upstairs." "The burglar's just not here." "He's got to be here." "The place is surrounded." "[ Alf on radio ] here are my demands ..." "Down !" "Iwantamilliondollars," "Anda dc-10withthose little bags of peanuts;" "The honey-Roasted kind." "The voice is coming from this walkie-Talkie." "He's not in the house." "He's been broadcasting his demands over the walkie-Talkie." "He must have escaped before we got here." "For the in-Flight meal, i want the filet mignon." "I'll have chicken." "Fish.Kosher for me." "Oy !" "How did that goofball come up with such a clever plan ?" "Oh, you really think it's clever ?" "No burglar; no hostages." "We found a bunch of bank pens, though." "Can i keep these ?" "Take them out to the car as evidence." "Okay." "And i'll turn back the clock." "He's probably still in the area." "Search the neighborhood." "Tanner !" "Thanks for all your help." "You've got a lot of guts." "You deserve to be block captain." "Thank you, sir, and good bye." "I'll just tidy up." "Alf, you're safe now." "[ Gasp ]" "[ Crash ]" "Just blame that on the burglar." "Down !" "I have to carry you home." "This hamper isn't jamaica, mon." "Get down, mon." "Hi, trevor, raquel." "What are you doing with our laundry ?" "I thought i'd wash it." "It's the least i can do after all you've been through." "Thanks, willie." "Let's hear it for willie tanner !" "Willie !" "Willie !" "Thank you." "[ Alf ] psst" " Don't stop to sign any autographs, mon." "I hear you, mon." "Willie !" "Willie !" "Hey alf, what are you doing ?" "I'm putting the finishing touches on the alf home security system." "Now this place will be burglar proof." "[ Sirens and bells ]" "Wow !" "Alf, turn it off !" "Off ?" "[ Alarm continues ]" "Captions performed by captions, inc.Los angeles, ca" "Captions copyrighted by alien productions." "All rights reserved."