"TRIPPING THE RIFT THE MOVIE..." "Target area:" "Target Level:" "None Chode McBlob" " Location Unknown" "Jacket:" "Material ID, 42556 Size: 38 Thread level:" "Minimal" "Pants:" "Material ID: 47 829 Size 31, Unknown Substance" "Suddenly, trolling those dives for your birthday party doesn't seem quite so bad, Uncle Chode." "I have a bad feeling about this." "Yeah, black and white usually means the fucking producers ran out of money." "She's talking about this place, dumb ass!" "Relax!" "You'll feel a whole lot better once you get your share of the money." "I can't believe how much these morons are paying us to be the royal princess' bodyguard for just a weekend." "Thank God this job's only for two days!" "These local yokels give me the creeps!" "Nonsense." "They're probably just shy." "You just have to be the one that's friendly first!" "A pleasant good evening to you, madam." " Fuck off!" " That went well." "Hey, Uncle Chode, you've seen the princess." "Is she beautiful and sweet and innocent like in all the fairy tales?" "Hier kommen sie the princess." "Lord, let her be a hot little virgin anxious to learn the wicked ways of the world." "Damn, ho, baby!" "Somebody's been hitting the super size." "Well, let's just say they call them fairy tales for a reason, kid." "Is it Halloween already?" "Geez, you tell me." "You all look a little old to be trick-or-treating." "We've been hired to guard the princess." "In that case, let me introduce myself." " I'm..." " Don't tell me." "Eyesore!" "No!" "I don't know why everyone thinks my name is Eyesore." "Maybe it's because you've got..." "What?" "Nothing." "Who is the inconsiderate bastard that's bothering us at this time of the night?" "They're here to call the princess." " Yeah." "My name..." " Don't tell me." "Swollen Hemorrhoid?" "May I call you Swollen?" "I'm Frau Schmidt." "I'm Her Highness' lady in waiting." "Show them in!" "Walk this way." "Too easy." "Sorry, but your cow will have to go in the barn." "I beg your pardon!" "I am sorry." "Your talking cow will have to go in the barn!" "I am not an animal!" "Piss off, you murdering swine!" "What?" "How dare you talk to me like..." "Who's out there?" "What did you say?" "Nothing!" "La Cage aux Poofter" "So I said to him," ""Dr. Richard Turner is so formal." ""Do you mind if I call you Dick?"" "Give me your clothes!" "You forgot to say please, sweetie." "Okay, girls, time to close up." "If you think I'm staying open all night again, you're... big nuts." "I said give me your clothes!" "Hey, girlfriend, we don't want any trouble." "Get going while the getting's good." "Primary Social Protocol a.) Exterminate; b.) Ignore;" "c.) Inflict wedgy" "How would you like a wedgy?" "Sounds like my old gym teacher." "I'm looking for Chode." "You just missed him." "He was here asking about renting the place." "The homophobic little bastard took off when he realized it was a gay bar!" "If I ever see you again," "I'll scratch your eyes out, you bitch!" "When I am king, you will be Queen Mother, Mother." "One minute!" "One stinking minute!" "What is it, woman?" "Last night there was another threat on the life of the princess!" "Let me see that note!" "I hope that security teams that I asked you to hire knows their stuff!" "Yes." "I got the best bodyguards in the business." "They'd better be!" "If anything were to happen to her, our nation would be without a leader!" "We would find one somewhere." "Nonsense!" "There is no one left of royal blood." "She is the last of an ancient, noble line that goes back hundreds of years!" "Ja, ja, ja!" "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!" "Did you know Her Highness' royal crown is on your moose head?" "Did you know, even in this light, I can see your moose-stache?" "That was close!" "It's time to kill me one big-ass ugly princess and become the king!" "This is torture." "She hasn't done anything but look at herself in the mirror for hours." "How could she stand it?" "Those earrings are lovely!" "What do you know?" "It must be wonderful to be in a position to make a difference in the lives of your people." "Oh, them." "They're the reason I don't have a minute for myself." "Why am I brushing my own hair?" "You, with the big tits, get over here and start brushing!" "A hundred strokes!" "Yeah, I could use a hundred strokes myself about know." "I'm bored!" "I brought along a word game." "Good idea!" "You're not as stupid as you look!" "Set it up and make it snappy!" "Over here!" "I had to get you alone." "Here it comes." "Look, lady, you're not my type." "I get broads like you hitting on me all the time." "Let me tell you how it is." "You're too old, you're too ugly, and for the record, I'd like to be the only one in the relationship who shaves." "I have no sexual interest in you!" "Hey!" "Hey, what am I, chopped liver?" "Listen, the princess is in great danger!" "I don't mean to tell you your job, but I think the prime minister is up to no good." "The prime minister?" "He seems like a nice enough guy." "You think so?" "Maybe I'm just being paranoid." "Oftentimes we judge people so harshly when we are only projecting our own fears." "Man is inherently good." "Yeah, that's what I believe." "I hope that's what you do believe, because if anything happens to the princess, you and your friends will all be put to death!" "What?" "I didn't see anything about death in the contract." "It's standard." "Always read the fine print." "Kanot, and I get double points for the K." "Just a minute." "That's not a word." "It is so." "Really?" "Use it in a sentence." "My authority kanot be questioned." "Otherwise, a certain robot's gonna get his fairy ass carted off to the scrap heap!" "Well, now that I hear it in a sentence." "Hey, where you going?" "We have to keep an eye on you at all times." "Please!" "I'm just going to the powder room, and it ain't to take a powder." "Somebody go with her." "T'nuk." " Everything come out okay in there?" " Kick the door in!" "How is she?" "Remember those pretty earrings I admired on the princess earlier?" "Well, there's not a scratch on them." "Holy shit!" "We gotta get out of here!" "If the princess' subjects find out she's been murdered, we'll all be executed." "Executed?" "Uncle Chode, is it true?" "Are we doomed?" "Well, if you want to see the glass as half empty." "Technically..." "Chode!" "Really!" "Bob, I need you to lock into our coordinates and beam us back on board." " No can do, El Capitan." " What do you mean?" "I kind of shorted out the beaming device with a fork." "You should have never left me alone!" "Geez, how the hell did that happen?" "Well, I was trying to beam my raisin toast out of the toaster with the transporter beam and a fork." "Why, for Christ's sake?" "Because my toast was stuck in the toaster." "We're toast, Uncle Chode!" "Geez, I'm surrounded by fucking morons!" "Look, if we could find out who killed the princess, maybe they'll go easy on us." "Everybody, grab the rest of her." "Hey, you better not be doing anything weird in there." "Primary social Protocol: a) I'm fine;" "b) I'll be out in a minute c) My Penis is caught in the bedspring" "My penis is caught in the bedsprings." "Okay." "That's all right, then." "Geez, whoever said "Die young and leave a beautiful corpse"" " never met this stiff." " Chode, what do we do now?" "We gather every shred of evidence, pore over every clue, go to any extreme necessary to determine the perp's identity." "What is it?" "It's a short, curly purple hair of some sort." "Probably the killer's." "Or your own pubic hair, dumb ass!" "That's another theory that deserves exploring." "Princess!" "Princess!" "Princess, it's almost time for your noon appearance." "Mein gott!" "What has happened to the princess?" "After a battery of sophisticated tests," "I've determined she died of natural causes." "But she's been cut to ribbons!" "Well, I mean, after that, naturally, she died." "For all our sakes, no one must find out!" "I need time to sink." "Your Majesty?" "God damn it!" "I needed more time than that!" "It's noon, Your Highness." "Time for you to greet your loyal subjects." "This is not time to fall apart, Your Highness." "Your public awaits." "Pull yourself together." "I know, Mother." "I get my sense of humor from you." "I'm brushing my teeth." "I'll be right out!" "You will?" "Well, please hurry." "Your subjects can't wait to see you!" "And frankly, neither can I." ""I'll be right out"?" "Why'd you say that?" "If she doesn't show, the townspeople will know immediately something is wrong." "Princess!" "Princess!" "T'nuk, grab that head." "The princess will be right out." "Acquiring Transportation Acceptable" "The suckers are buying it." "How can this be?" "She's dead!" "Show's over, folks!" "The princess is dead... tired." "Hope to see you all at the coronation." "Free beer and pretzels!" "You two, come with me!" "I suspect the princess has been the victim of "vowel" play." "Sir, what exactly is"vowel" play?" "Don't nobody with a brain understand the English?" "Okay." "We need an escape plan." "We're trapped!" "We're not going anywhere!" "Nonsense!" "You're going to certain death unless..." " Unless?" " No, no!" "It's too crazy, too far-fetched." "It goes against all the laws of nature and God!" "You're not talking about my sex life, are you?" "No!" "I'm talking about bringing the dead princess back to life!" "Am I hearing you right?" "I don't know." "When's the last time you had your hearing tested?" "You really should take her to the vet every once in a while." "They're going to knock down the door any minute." "She's right." "Everyone grab a piece of princess to go, and follow me through the secret passageway." " Where does it lead?" " Let me guess." "To a long-forgotten laboratory where a mad scientist once re-animated the dead?" "Does someone got that women's intuition or what?" "I'll leave a note to throw them off the scent." "Break it down!" "Gone to the movies." "Double feature." "Grabbing a bite after." "Don't wait up." "Let's see." "¶ The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone" "¶ The thigh bone's connected to the hip bone ¶" "Chode, you can't perform an operation as complex as this." "Well, not so fast." "According to this Re-animating the Dead for Dumb Asses book, it's not so hard." "Okay, Six, plug in that electrical V-shaped thing that goes "zizz."" "Gus, find me a giant needle and thread." "T'nuk, make sure the moon roof opens." "Whip, go over to that shelf and grab me a brain." "Geniu:" "Albert Einstein" "Careful, Whip!" "Don't worry." "There's another one." "Senator Diane Finestein..." "Mel Brookstein..." "Hearty Fiberstein." "Chode McBlob Located" "Hurry!" "The storm is almost directly overhead." "Raise the gurney!" "Give my creature life!" "What a pretty night it turned out to be." "Look, I don't need a pretty night." "I need fucking lightning!" "Is there any other source of intense electricity around here?" "Ja!" "I could divert the electricity from the entire kingdom's power grid to the cables you are holding... that is, if I can reach the switch." "You've got to try." "Okay." "Did you say something?" "Could you at least wait until I let go of the cables?" "My apologies." "Okay, now." "Bring us down!" "Love the hair." "It's sort of Liza meets Lily Munster." "Great job, everybody." "My God!" "Look at this place!" "Don't tell me I'm playing dinner theater in the Poconos." "No, this is Slovinia." "Slovinia?" "I've opened out of town before, but this is ridiculous." "You were dead, and we brought you back to life." "Okay, now you're starting to sound like my agent." "I am so parched." "Who does a queen have to do to get a drink around here?" "Your Royal Highness, welcome back." "Royal Highness?" "Let me explain, lady." "Mister... whatever the hell team you're playing for." "Look, in this show, you play a princess who gets crowned queen and lives happily ever after." "Unless, of course, they declare you a total weirdo and the fickle public turns their back on you." "You mean like Tom Cruise?" "There's an angry mob led by the prime minister surrounding the castle." "It sounds like he's whipping them up into a frenzy." "Not the face." "Not the face!" "They have killed the princess." "Sliced her up like a turkey on Thanksgiving morning." "I say we lynch them first and ask intelligent questions later!" "I haven't seen critics this out for blood since Puff Daddy did Raisin in the Sun." "You're going to have to go down there and face the people!" "Let me know how that turns out." "Chode, we don't have any choice." "We've gotta escort the princess out there and see if her subjects will accept her... him." "I gotta take a wicked leak." "Where's the men's room?" "Is anyone really stupid enough to buy that big lug is the princess?" "Is that Princess Babe-hot or what?" "Show's on." "All hail the royal princess!" "Smile at the people." "Watch where you're putting that thing, you buggy-eyed ass!" "Wait a minute." "Why is your voice so deep?" "Friday night's my poker night." "Too much booze and cigarettes." "Well, that satisfied my curiosity." "I'm not buying it!" "If you're the princess, sing the princess' favorite song." "Sorry, just warming up my instrument." "Hit it, Frau!" "¶ I love Slovinia" "¶ In the summer when it sizzles" "¶ I love Slovinia in the spring" "When the frigging flowers bloom!" "¶ I love Slovinia in the winter" "¶ When it's snowing and snowing and snowing" "You've got to admit, it snows like a motherfuck around here!" "¶ But when you see Slovinia in the fall" "¶ That's when I love Slovinia" "¶ When she loves Slovinia" "¶ That's when I love Slovinia" "¶ That's when she loves Slovinia" "¶ That's when I love Slovinia" "¶ Most of al. ¶" "Not bad." "We call it a backers audition." "How much can I put you down for?" "Put me down for one pitchfork in the belly!" "Wait a minute." "I say we let the people decide." "Would you like to continue to live your lives in quiet desperation, living off the stale crumbs from this tyrant's table, or have a fabulous queen who's going to put on hit show after hit show and make this town a bundle off busloads of out-of-town suckers." "Perhaps we could put on Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Musical?" "Long live our drag queen!" "Hip-hip hurray!" "What a bunch of ingrates!" "Hello?" "Bob?" "You better be calling me to tell me the transporter's fixed!" "I don't want to be doing choreography for the rest of my days." "Great!" "Beam Six and T'nuk aboard and the rest of us down to Terra." "I've still got a raunchy birthday bash to organize." "Sign off." "I'm looking for Chode." "He just took off." "But if you know him, you must be as big an asshole as he is." "What are you looking at?" "You better not be having one of your oral fantasies." "I'm merely trying to understand how you can eat that garbage." "I hear it contains rat parts." "Chef Gay-ar-dee, on this planet, baseball fans eat millions of hot dogs every week, and that's good enough for me." "Besides, they say rat parts make you smart." "Then please explain why Pittsburgh Pirates fans keep showing up." "Yeah, or how come you couldn't figure out" "La Cage aux Poofter was a gay bar." "I told you, I thought Poofter was foreign for snatch-a-roosky." "I don't know why you didn't rent that place." "It looked perfectly fine to me." "What?" "Fine." "Excuse me if I don't go into why I'm not surprised." "I'll just repeat, no birthday bash of mine is going to be held in a gay bar." "Get off your soapbox." "It's not even your birthday." "Yeah, but my guests don't know that." "They also don't know they'll have to cough up for parking, admission, exorbitant prices for the booze and oh, did I mention my little credit card scam on the side?" "Baby!" "I'm going to be rolling in dough." "What makes you think they'll even show up?" "Well, because I come up with a hook." "Hey, check that place out!" "I don't know, Uncle Chode." "That looks a little gay, too." "Yeah, then why don't you drop your pants and stick your ass through the door." "If you haven't squealed in 30 seconds, the joint's straight." "Okay, let's go." "The sooner we get this over, the better." "Relax." "We got all night." "Yeah." "Why are you calling?" "Something wrong on the ship?" "No, I just miss you, that's all, you hunka hunk of burning testosterone." "Where are you?" "Have you been sniffing the ship's fumes?" "Don't be a silly-Billy." "I'm just feeling a little horny." "Thought you might like to know what I have in store for you." "Yeah?" "That thing with your tongue." "What?" "You're gonna put your index finger where?" "How wonderful." "His mother never forgets to call." "Hey, Six, I'm gonna be back as soon as I can." "I just gotta check out this high... hair night club..." "Move it, you two!" "We haven't got all night!" "Did you hear what that fucking Pinocchio said?" "BUY ONE, GET ONE FOR FREE Yeah, the fucking streets ain't safe for decent people no more." "Okay, it's a deal, Gloria." "I'll pay you 10% of the take next Saturday night in exchange for the room and your bartending services." "Yeah." "No guessing why this place is called the High Hair Nightclub." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "What a loser!" "Her head looks like an explosion in a mattress factory." "I like it." "Her 'do is reminiscent of Flock of Seagulls." "Yeah, and a flock of seagulls could nest in it." "Gus, you're in charge of designing the party invitations." "Include a drawing for a 5-meter surround sound 3D, flat-screen TV door prize, a/k/a, the hook." "Whip, you e-mail the invites to everybody we know except that fucking clown Bobo." "I've had it with that bastard." "Geez, that was painful." "I warned you about that hot dog, but would you listen?" ""You went down for me." "I'll go down for you." "Phone 555..."" "Where's that pencil?" "Damn faulty toilet." "Jesus Christ, what a dump." "Then wiggle your bum like you're pulling up a pair of underpants." "Like this?" "Hey, the light bulb in the can just blew, and your crapper exploded." "I'll need them fixed for the party." "Cool it, you two." "The So You Think You Can Dance tryouts aren't till next week." "Hey, Six." "Mission accomplished." "Get us out of here." "I'm sorry, sir." "I didn't..." "Geez." "You'll be beaming to Fabula 7, no doubt." "Fabula 7?" "The all fruit... gay planet." "No!" "Transport me to Jupiter 42." "Jupiter 42?" "That's a private ship." "You got permission?" "Permission?" "I ain't allowed to transport anybody to a private address unless they've got written permission." "Sorry, Shirley." "I'll be back." "Hey, what's your fucking problem?" "I'll be back." "What?" "I didn't know docking with the mother ship wasconsidered incest, Your Honor." "I'm com..." "I'm coming!" "That was wonderful, Chode." "The best ever." "Yeah, well." "I really prepared myself for tonight's session." "You must be looking for Gus." "He's the second door down on the left." "You must be looking for Gus." "He's down the hall on the right." "Push me around, will ya?" "Ya fuckin' clown!" "Chode, that clown looks insane." "Let's get out of..." "Run!" "Run!" "There's a psycho trying to kill us!" "Us or you?" "Could you be more specific?" "I need my beauty rest." "Let me through!" "I've got more to live for!" "I haven't even had oral sex yet!" "T'nuk!" "As your captain, I order you to the back." "There's no way he can shoot me if your fat ass is in the way." "Since you asked so nicely, get out of my fucking way!" "Hold your fire!" "Does anyone hear anything?" "Sorry." "The hot dog." "Oh my." "That thing, whatever it is, is unstoppable." "What are we going to do?" "I've been giving it some thought." "This is no time to fall apart." "We go back a long way." "If we stick together we'll get through this okay." "Well, that's a really nice sentiment, T'nuk." "I wasn't talking to you, dumb ass." "I was about to suggest we hand you over to the psycho so the rest of us can live." "Hey!" "How do you know it's me he's after?" "First he blasts your bed, then he tries to kill you in Six' room." "Who do you think he's after?" "Six?" "Jealous lover?" "Chode, you've programmed me not to do clowns." "Yeah, but you're an exception." "Okay, so it might be me he's after, but if it was one of you," "I'd stick by you no matter what." "Chode!" "Chode, we must get off the ship." "I don't get it." "A bulletproof clown on steroids tries to kill us." "Now you show up wearing ass floss." "What the hell's going on?" "Firstly, I accept your thanks for saving your life." "And secondly, what's going on involves Chode, not you." "Firstly, thanks." "And secondly, you better talk, or I'll tear you a new asshole." "Can we try and survive now and talk later?" "To the transporter room!" "Now what?" "I'm gonna get my ass to the shuttle." "But the others!" "Hey, it's not them the thing is after." "Right now, it's every man for himself." "Have I ever told you you're my hero?" "Yahoo!" "We did it!" "We gave that crazy motherfucker the slip!" "Beam me back down!" "No parla ingles, Monsieur." "Beamez-moi en port!" "Merde!" "Hello?" "Mom?" "Can you hear me?" "Hello!" "Nothing." "It must have been damaged when we landed." "Do you have your communicator?" "No." "You?" "No." "I left it on my nightstand." "What kind of idiot leaves his ship without his communicator?" "Don't rag on me, Chode." "What with dismembered princesses, shady nightclubs, and homicidal maniacs, the last few days have been the worst of my life." "Seems somebody could use a little R and R right now." "And as luck would have it, check that out." "Chode, are you insane?" "The others could be in that things clutches for all we know." "Please tell me you're not thinking of actually visiting this den of iniquity at a time like this." "Am I out of my mind?" "Look who I'm talking to." "Hey!" "Where are Gus and Uncle Chode?" "Do you think the clown got them?" "Who cares?" "I think our intrepid captain left us to take the fall." "No, wait." "Look!" "He's still looking for him." "Chode must have escaped." "There is no God." "Can you help a fella out?" "I'm flat broke and in desperate need of a lap dance." "Well, consider this my random act of kindness for the day." "Not from you, Mary." "Name's Bill." "Offered the girls this in lieu of Kroenigs, but had no takers." "I'll sell it to you for 20 Kroenigs." "That should be enough to throw a little party in my pants." "What is it?" "Well, they take you to the Champagne Room and do the old bump-and-grind on your crotch." "I was asking about the medallion, you horny toad." "I'm the only surviving member of my expedition." "We were searching for the treasure of the Pyridians..." "Treasure?" "It was stolen and hidden somewhere in the jungle many centuries ago." "The key to the treasure is on this planet." "It not only reveals the treasure's location, but also allows access to it." "So where is thiskey?" "That's the problem." "No one knows." "But this medallion will lead you to it." "What kind of treasure are we talking about here?" "The finder would be so rich, his toilet paper would be made out of gold." "Wouldn't that chafe?" "If this thing can make you that wealthy, why are you sitting here bumming a 20 for a little tail-shaking?" "I said it would lead you to the key." "I said nothing about it protecting you from the danger that lurks along the way." "Head for the third sun on the right, due east, and pray, and hope that your prayers are answered." "Mine have been." "Well, I've had my fun." "I hear my pillow calling my name." "That's not your pillow, that's the gold talking." "Danger, shmanger!" "We can do this." "Am I going to have any success getting your mind off this treasure and getting you back aboard the ship?" "Have you ever noticed you're the color of gold?" "I don't think this is due east." "Now you're sounding like Six." "What the hell does due east mean anyway?" "I swear that tree wasn't there a second ago." "One too many at the juice bar, Gus?" "I only had one." "And by the by, what kind of juice was that?" "You don't want to know, Gussie boy." "You don't want to know." "Umph!" "Okay, what's going on?" "I think I just rusted myself." "This way!" "Six is right." "Your sense of direction sucks." "Excuse me, Butch." "Sundance is afraid of..." "You guys couldn't catch herpes in a whorehouse." "Oh, shit!" "Now what?" "I beg your pardon." "I think I felt it move." "It didn't move." "Just shut up already." "No, that." "What the hell?" "Maybe it's a lie detector." "It's some sort of crystal compass." "You sure it's not Gaydar?" "That guy Bill was a chicken shit." "Get past those monsters, and it's Froot Loops time." "Follow your nose, baby." "Nothing to be afraid of." "And I suppose that's a Howard Johnson's." "Don't judge a book by its cover, Gus." "It could be, like, a Vegas theme hotel or something." "I don't remember an Apocalypto hotel on the Strip." "Who did you say was a chicken sh..." "This place reminds me of one of those ancient ruins you'd see in the movies, where there'd be an epic battle between two ferocious monsters." "I'm not going to keep playing if you keep throwing paper every time." "Then throw scissors." "Then you'll do rock." "Geez, Walter, that's the friggin' game!" "Who there?" "Who there?" "Hey!" "Dude!" "Please, let this be it!" "Well, 3PO, you're the one with the tranlang four-communicator module combined with a double A-1 Verbobrain." "What the hell does it say?" "That's just a golden robot stereotype." "Can you read it or not?" "Yes." "Then read it." "Out loud." "It says "Push Button for Treasure."" "This has got to be the next piece of the puzzle, right?" "Unless it's some sort of nuclear device." "Can you at leastpretend the glass is half full?" "Okay." "Now what?" "What did Bill say?" "Remember to pray." "God, Lord..." "What should I pray for?" "Treasure!" "I pray for lots of treasure." "Amen." "That's funny." "I could've sworn" "I've seen something like that before." "You have." "It's the same shape as the medallion, you idiot." "I know that." "I was just testing you." "Step forward, please." "Single file, no pushing." "What the hell is going on here?" "Please don't take your anger out on me," "I'm just a temp, hired to provide slaves." "Slaves?" "Yes." "Mr. Big didn't want to get his hands dirty with the day-to-day." "Mr. Big?" "Is that just a nickname, or is he really..." "He's the brains behind this operation." "Aren't we losing the plot here?" "What about the treasure?" "Actually, we just need you for the discovery and recovery of the key that opens the vault containing the treasure." "It was lost in one of Pyridia's mines many moons ago." "Ha ha ha." "Okay, you got me." "This is really one of those stupid-assed" "Fox reality shows, isn't it?" "Consider what you've been through today as kind of like getting into a good college." "Oof!" "Dig!" "There's no way I can implement this tool without some kind of gloves." "Hey Charlie, this guy wants some gloves." "Yes, thank you." "That will do nicely." "Thanks for the update, Bob." "We'll stay down here in case that psycho decides to beam back aboard." "If Chode gets in touch, tell him where we are." "Yeah, get some rest, kiddo, 'cause when you wake up, you got a lot of 'splainin' to do." "Come on you little green asshole, we ain't got all day." "I'm thinking." "How do you manage that without a brain?" "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "You better be spelling out "cunning."" "What the hell was that?" "Well, looky here!" "Discovery!" "We have a discovery!" "Yes, Mr. Big, I've got it in my hand." "What now?" "20% cut is a reasonable reward, right, Gus?" "You'll get your reward, all right... in heaven!" "Mr. Big said to throw them back in the mine and seal it." "What the f..." "Hey!" "Well, that's that." "You can kiss my shiny ass good-bye." "If that doesn't make me want to get out of here, nothing will." "Gus!" "Load all that dynamite into a hovercart." "There's no way out!" "Will you hear my confession before I die?" "Jenna Jameson's?" "Yes." "Yours?" "Not on your life." "Yecch!" "First time, shame on you." "Second time, shame on me." "Chode, let's get out of here." "The sun was in this direction." "Get a grip, Gussie." "There's something we have to do first." "But I thought..." "Chode McBlob, will you please tell me what's going on?" "Are you telling me that you swapped it for the key to the lock on your porn stash?" "Relax." "I got a duplicate." "Besides, there's no way" "I'm going to walk away from all that treasure." "Now, all I have to do is figure out how this key is going to lead me to it." "Probably got some kind of magical element." "An ancient spell..." "Hey!" "Look!" "There's a little red button here." "I just got chill bumps." "Here you are, sir." "The key to the treasure." "This isn't the key to the treasure, you dunderfuck!" "What are you waiting for, Chode?" "Stick it in." "Gus, promise you'll never say that to me again." "Two minutes till the annihilation of Pyridia." "Holy shit!" "The fucking thing's booby trapped!" "The treasure!" "The fucking treasure!" "It's all yours!" "Shit!" "Good news, Chode." "The radio is back up and running, and I've made contact with the others." "We'll join them in next to no time." "Don't be so depressed." "You may have missed out on the treasure, but you'll always have us, you faithful crew." "You really know how rub salt in the old wounds, don't you?" "Where were you two?" "On your honeymoon?" "Don't ask." "Any sign of that clown?" "I think we've given it the slip, Uncle Chode." "And what the hell were you doing on my ship?" "I beamed myself aboard." "The dude at the transporter boutique wasn't in much shape to do it himself." "I don't get it." "Who is that crazy clown, and why is he trying to kill Uncle Chode?" "You're not going to believe me if I tell you." "Try us, kid." "The other night, my folks were in bed talking." "I was listening by the wall." "My dad had just..." "Do you always listen to your parents when they're in bed, you little pervert?" "Well, I..." "Hey!" "Do you want to hear my story or not?" "Yeah." "Button your pie hole, T'nuk." "Let the kid speak." "Like I said, my dad had just..." "Were they talking dirty?" "You know, using words like cornhole, ream, suck?" "Listen up!" "My dad had just returned from Bobo's mansion, he'd been there answering a domestic dispute call." "You little slut!" "I should have had you fixed the day you were born." "You're going to get rid of it, or else." "Shove it, Pop!" "Don't tell me to shove it, or I'll put my size 24 boot up your ass!" "How could you have done this to me?" "You, you harlot!" "Okay, okay, cool it, you two!" "We've been getting complaints from all over this zone." "Relax, Commander." "My husband's just trying to bond with his daughter." "And you can keep your trap shut!" "I blame you for all of this." "Your daughter can't help being a tramp." "It runs in your family!" "All right, what's this all about?" "It seems our daughter'sgone and got herself pregnant." "You don't know the worst of it." "That dirty purple shit Chode is responsible." "When I get my hands on him," "I'll ram a party favor down his throat and blow it out his anus!" "When did this alleged act of penetration take place?" "A couple of months ago at Chode's birthday party." "I don't want to hear any more!" "She got drunk and did it with him in a washroom stall." "When I think of that disgusting pile of excrement with my little girl." "And now she refuses to terminate the bastard." "If you don't mind me saying, Bernice, you're taking this pretty well." "That's because, unlike my loser husband," "I've taken steps to ensure the vile act of copulation never takes place." "Wh..." "What?" "What do you mean?" "Remember that combat android you constructed last year?" "The Arnie 1000." "Sure I do." "The first time I programmed it to fight the Gleopadians, some grunt lobs a grenade at it and destroys it." "News bulletin, bonehead." "It wasn't destroyed." "Seems for once in your miserable life you exceeded yourself." "The thing's indestructible." "Well, where is it?" "Right now it's two months in the past." "I hope you didn't use a Federation Time Displacer." "That's not allowed." "So's doing my daughter!" "The bitch refuses to terminate Chode's spawn, so I've programmed it to terminate Chode before he does her." "Bernice, that was sneaky, underhanded, cold-blooded, and vicious." "I knew there was some reason I married you." "Cut the shit!" "You married me for my Kroenigs!" "Aw, shut your gob, you bitch!" "bitch, bitch, bitch..." "So you've also transported back from the future." "Is that why you're naked?" "You can't use the Federation Time Displacer wearing clothes?" "Not really." "It's gratuitous nudity." "Tell me about it." "You gotta help me." "You have to get Bernice to call that thing off, I'm begging you." "If you promise not to screw Babette," "I'll return to the future and tell Bernice." "I'm sure she'll deprogram it." "I promise." "Okay." "Wish me luck." "Wait, I hadn't finished." "I promise to stick it to Babette until her eyeballs pop." "Chode, are you crazy?" "That android will kill you." "But you heard the kid." "Bernice will call it off." "And if you guys think I'm going to pass up this opportunity to drive Bobo up the wall, you're the crazy one." "Besides, that Babette's one sweet piece of ass." "Chode, what if Adam 12 can't convince Bernice to stop that thing?" "She's not exactly Miss Congeniality." "Yeah, you might have a point." "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to lie low for a little while until the party." "Right?" "My name is Alice Marie." "Nothing strange has ever happened in my life." "That is, until recently." "That was when I went in to my bedroom and retrieved an old revolver that hadn't been used in years." "Goddamn fucking piece of shit!" "Alice certainly had a beautiful funeral." "Yes." "Yes." "Except when that whore Deirdre grabbed her husband's ass." "I'm really going to miss her." "She had so many good qualities." "I'll even miss Alice's bad qualities." "Remember she tended to be a little paranoid." "And she was bigoted." "And a snob." "And irrational." "A funny thing happens when you die." "Your body is gone, but you can still see and hear everything." "What a bunch of bitches." "Hey, there's that strange family that moved in next to Alice's place." "They've sure been keeping to themselves." "Where do you think they're from?" "Probably Africa." "They've brought their wildebeest with them." "This may sound weird, but I've been without, um, male companionship for so long, even that disgusting fat, purple one is beginning to look good." "I hear you, sister." "My dear old hubby spends so much time working," "I'm ready to date a banana." "No wonder that broad next door shot herself." "This place is so boring." "I agree." "The flesh-burning puss swamp controlled by the scab-infested anus rapers on Planet Vomiteria look good right now." "Only a complete idiot could be happy living in this 'burb." "Wow!" "There's some really cool video games here." "I just broke the all-time record for hours logged on to Universe of War Craft." "I rest my case." "¶ I like to be here" "¶ Here on the sidewalk" "¶ Watching you, baby, move it so sexy" "¶ I can feel the desire" "¶ You look at me" "¶ Your eyes are on fire" "Chode, what are you thinking?" "I'm thinking that if I'm ever reincarnated," "I'd like to come back as that car." "Chode, don't even consider fooling around while we're here." "We don't want to draw attention to ourselves." "Or do you want to end up as a corpse?" "Or a prison bitch for 30 years?" "Nix the prison bitch talk." "Here come the local natives." "Hi, there, neighbors." "We noticed you moving in." "I'm Sue Anne." "I'm Danielle." "And I'm horny." "Sue Anne, Danielle, Horny." "I'm Ch..." "Chance." "I'm Chance." "They're a bunch of nobody-losers who cannot hold any possible interest for you." "Chance, I was wondering." "Have you seen my pussy?" "No, but the night is still young." "Chance!" "Here it is." "Chance?" "What do you think of my hooters?" "They're magnificent." "Chance!" "No, silly, up there." "Hey!" "Want to see my ass?" "You have a donkey?" "No." "An ass." "Why don't you all kiss it!" "Whoa!" "I've seen smaller cracks on a fault line." "I virtually threw myself at that miserable mauve motherfucker, and he still hasn't come sniffing around." "Perhaps I was too subtle." "Yeah." ""Have you seen my pussy?"" "Really subtle." "If you insist on jumping his bones, why don't you throw a "welcome to the neighborhood" party?" "Hey, that's a great idea." "Where?" "When?" "Why not here, tonight?" "I have an idea." "Ron always liked my Lobster Thermador." "All I need is 3 pounds of cheddar cheese, nutmeg, six bottles of dry white wine, a dozen lobsters, and 30 gallons of boiling water." "Is it any wonder why her husband had a fucking heart attack?" "I hear the dead woman's husband next door left town." "Smart guy." "Aren't you curious as to why she killed herself?" "We should take a look around." "Geez, why don't you marry a Spice Girl and sign for the L.A. Galaxy?" "Oh, dear." "Now I'll have to climb over the fence and get it back." "If I stay around here much longer," "I'm going to kill something." "If you don't stay, you might be the one getting killed." "I'm willing to re-enter the civilized world and take my chances." "There's no way that assassin will ever find me, and if he does, I'll kick his ass!" "It's the babe from across the street." "Hello again, Chance." "I've just dropped by to invite you over for a welcoming party." "One moment." "I'll consult my friends." "Please, Six!" "Let me go." "I'll be good." "I promise." "Please!" "It'll be safer if we come along." "Thank you." "Are my friends invited?" "If they're not, who cares?" "I'll just tell them they are and ditch them later." "Of course they're invited except for the ugly fat one with the big ass." "Deal!" "What time should we be there?" "Anytime you're ready." "The front door is always open, or you can go around to the back and enter that way." "And don't worry." "We're harmless." ""They are all stupid, shallow," ""and I believe quite insane." "I fear for my life."" "Holy shit!" "Those crazy housewives killed her!" "Hey, you'll never..." "Damn!" "Don't forget to use your aliases." "Hi, neighbors." "Glad you could make our little party." "Come on in." "And no hanky panky." "I promise." "Are you crossing your fingers?" "Of course not." "So!" "Throw a party and not invite me?" "Well, nobody kisses off Deirdre Clit and gets away with it." "Yes." "I think I have." "Look who's here, everyone." "Our new neighbors." "Hi, Chance." "We didn't catch yournames." "Hi, ladies." "I'm Wally." "Who cares?" "I'm Seven." "We all lie about our ages, honey, but aren't you stretching it a bit?" "And I'm Guffman." "I'm a 500k model." "You shouldn't sell yourself short, Guffman." "Danielle used to be a model, and she'd charge a lot more than 500K." "I beg your pardon." "I'll get it!" "Can I get you guys a drink?" "Tie me to the bedpost." "That's vodka, rum, melon liquor, and sour mix, right?" "No, tie me to the bedpost." "Really." "I'm looking for my friends." "I don't believe you were invited." "Oh, my God!" "I'm too late!" "What have you done, you crazy bitch!" "Get a grip, Cujo!" "What are you talking about?" "Quit blowing smoke up my ass." "I heard a scream." "It's the lobsters." "I just put them in the water." "Yeah?" "Then where's Chance?" "Strange." "He and Sue Anne were here a moment a..." "Chance?" "You better not be doing what I think you're doing." "Whoa!" "Come on, get 'em off, you sexy orb of purple Play-Doh." "I'm trying!" "But you'll have to remove that finger first." "Chance?" "Where are you?" "I can't be found like this!" "What is it with that woman?" "She's just jealous." "I mean, who could blame her." "Quick, think up a story." "Where is he?" "I don't know what you mean." "I just came in here for a lie-down." "My menstrual cramps hurt like hell." "Hey, sweetheart." "Looking for a little action?" "Chode?" "Is that you?" "Forget Chode, baby." "He can't do with his tongue what I can." "Whip!" "You're drunk." "Not that drunk." "And this was me at the office a few years ago." "I was high up on the corporate ladder." "You were a window cleaner?" "That was before John suggested that I quit and become a full-time housewife and mother." "How considerate." "After all, those are the most precious days of a woman's life." "I hated the bastard for it, and I wish he'd been run over by a bus." "I couldn't agree more." "And these are the twins." "They are so adorable." "No, they're not." "They're ignorant, stupid, and don't do a word I tell them to." "Have you tried disciple?" "Why, Guffman, you naughty boy!" "And...that's how you do the fox trot." "Now, the waltz is something completely different." "Not so rough!" "Quick!" "We have to get out of here!" "They killed their neighbor, and we could be next!" "I don't believe it." "Less than two hours to go to my birthday bash, and Six insists I mow the lawn." "Soft fleshy snatch, silicone snatch." "So what?" "Women are all the same." "Not getting into Chance's pants was bad enough, but lobster three times a day for the next month?" "Give me a break." "What's going on over there?" "Oh, my Lord!" "It's a man with a gun!" "And he's pointing it at Chance!" "He's kinda cute." "Damn!" "Here comes that whore Deirdre." "I saw him first." "Back off, bitch!" "This one's mine." "Stop scratching!" "There's enough here for all of us." "That's it." "I've had enough." "We're out of here." "Look at them." "They'll screw anything that moves." "But they didn't kill me, and I wasn't referring to them in my journal." "I was talking about that bunch of foreigners who moved in next door to me." "My friends are right." "I am a paranoid, bigoted, irrational snob." "And yes, I shot myself." "I mean, who wants to live next to stupid assholes like that?" "70 Kroenigs." "70 Kroenigs?" "I just got charged 200 at the door for admission." "What a rip-off!" "This party sucks!" "I said charge everybody 80 Kroenigs, not 70!" "Except that sexy little clown over there." "Her drinks are free." "I want her nice and loosey-goosey." "Thanks, Babette." "For what?" "For the birthday bang you're going to give me tonight." "Dream on, you bloated sack of shit!" "That's what you think." "What?" "I said have another drink." "What do you mean you have no intention of deprogramming that android?" "Read my lips." "Chode is toast." "But he promised not to f..." "Have sex with Babette." "Yeah, and he better not." "But if you think I'm going to call off the Arnie, you're out of your friggin' minds." "Why should I?" "This is my chance to get rid of Chode once and for all!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "I just gotta check out this high hair nightclub," "Get outta the way, you green freak!" "Sorry, fellas, no can do." "Okay, you asked for it, asshole!" "My wife needs a new handbag." "I gotta visit the little girl's room." "I understand completely." "A thousand and one, a thousand and two, a thousand and... hell, that's long enough." "Well, excuse..." "Okay..." "There you are, you little vixen." "Come to Papa!" "Keep doing that." "You like that, you dirty girl, do ya?" "Yeah, I do!" "Why the fuck did you tell us Chode was responsible?" "I was afraid if you found out Adam did it, you'd kill him." "If you killed Chode, who'd care?" "But when you sent that android to kill him," "I felt rotten about it." "That's why I went back to warn him." "Under the circumstances, isn't it about time you shut it down?" "What do you think, darling?" "We have to do the right thing, honey." "Chode dies!" "What do you mean?" "That thing's still after me?" "I didn't do Babette, I tell ya." "Maybe you should have." "Dying for no good reason sucks big time!" "Get out of here before it sees you." "We'll try and stall it." "I'll never forget you all for this." "Six," "Whip," "Gus..." "T'nuk!" "Yeah, T'nuk." "Thanks, guys." "Thanks ever so." "Damn it!" "So it's agreed." "You and Babette travel back, decline the invitation to Chode's party, and Bernice will shut down the Arnie 1000." "Yeah, okay." "I can't hear you!" "Sir, yes, sir!" "Please, let me live, and I'll become a new person." "I won't cuss anymore." "I'll give up the booze." "I won't hang out with hookers." "Yahoo!" "Just because we won't be at the party doesn't mean we still can't get it on, right?" "I heard that, you little whore!" "Bernice!" "Hey, big guy." "You gotta give me a break." "It's tough to go cold turkey on so many things at once." "What say I cut back on my language in exchange for the occasional prostitute?" "Aah!" "No!" "I was joking, please!" "I'll do it, if you let me live." "You will travel back!" "You will not go to the party!" "You will not have sex... not then, not now, not ever." "You got that?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm going to say this one more times, you cretins." "I now am the legal owner of that cyborg." "Just because I'm listening to you doesn't mean I give a damn." "I created it, and I want it back." "Hello, hello?" "Are we having a communication problem here?" "Confederation law clearly states that salvaged goods become the property of the salvager." "You didn't salvage it, you stole it!" "And that salvaged goody should be worth a few Kroenigs on the black market." "You can't sell it!" "It's mine!" "It's not, and I can." "Besides, whatever I get for it still won't compensate for the pain and suffering you two assholes have caused me." "Your pain and suffering are only just starting." "You purple..." "Hey!" "You know what they say!" "Possession..." "You're not going to give me that "9/10 of the law" crap, are you?" "Well, I was going to say" "I now possess the cyborg, so fuck off, but that works, too." "Chode, are you crazy?" "Those two could start that thing up again." "Relax, Gus is reprogramming it as we speak." "What makes you think he can reprogram it?" "Yeah, Uncle Chode." "Perhaps it's unreprogammable." "Once a killer, always a killer, and you brought it aboard." "Geez!" "What a bunch of scaredy cats!" "Hey, Gus!" "Gus?" "Are you there?" "I don't like the look of this, Uncle Chode." "Shut up, will ya?" "That thing can't hurt us anymore." "Look, I'll prove it." "How do you like that, you metal moron?" "See?" "What did I tell you?" "Chode, run for your life." "I couldn't..." "Quick." "To the transporter room." "Don't leave me here like this." "Open the door." "This thing's going to kill me!" "Bob, for fuck's sake!" "Beam me out of here!" "No can do, El Capitan." "I can't lock on to a fast moving object." "Very fucking funny!" "Glad you think so." "It's just a little payback, Uncle Chode." "Yeah, for all the crap you've put us through over the last few days." "I hope this teaches you a lesson." "You can't go around screwing everything in the universe." "Why not?" "Hasn't done Paris Hilton's career any harm." "Are you sure this thing isn't dangerous?" "Of course." "It's reprogrammed." "Bob, cue music." "That's it." "Wiggle your bum like you're pulling up a pair of underpants." "You programmed it to dance?" "Why not?" "Dance is the language of love." "Bob, hit it." "¶ Do you wanna dance around like me?" "¶ I'm the generator" "¶ Of moves" "¶ Every day and night" "¶ I'm well beyond your dreams" "Geez!" "Gus can do everything that android can do, only backwards and in high heels." "Ripped from Closed Captions by:" "FDSCR" "¶ My circuit sonnet will light up on the beat" "¶ I circled around so you can see" "¶ Might as well get up from your seat" "¶ The music ranges on a memory" "¶ R-O-B-O-T" "¶ Dance" "¶ Robot dance" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?" "¶ Can you feel it?"