"Look at that." "Each pane cleaner than the last." "Mmm." "Yeah." "A boy and his rag." "There's nothin' sweeter." "Well, with Grace out of town for a couple of days, it gives me a chance to get her snout and paw prints off of every surface." "Besides, Tina's coming over." "She says she needs to see me." "Tina?" "Your father's mistress?" "Well, technically, she's not his mistress anymore." "I mean, now my folks have broken up, she's really just his girlfriend." "No, that's like saying if you were raised by wolves and then rescued by humans, you're now suddenly human." "But you are human." "Honey." "Don't leave me alone during the breakfast rush at Jacques'." "I'm workin' three stations out there, but, you've got a phone call." "Who is it?" " It's Elliot." "Your son." " I'm not here." "Jack..." "You have to talk to him." "That's the contract you made when you spent five minutes alone in the dark with a Dixie cup and a Men of General Hospital calendar." "No, no, he's gonna-- he's gonna try to get me to another one of his basketball games." "It's just not my thing." "Make up an excuse." "All right." "Um, Elliot..." "Yeah, I've got some bad news." "Jack and I were figure skating and he plunged through the ice." "Haven't heard from him since." "Could I take a message?" "Okay." "You're trying out for the cheerleading squad?" "Brr, I'm back!" "So, uh, Tina, what's goin' on?" "Oh, it's your father." "I think he's seeing someone else." "And I don't know why." "I mean, look at me." "I'm fantastic." "What makes you think he's seeing someone?" "Oh...he's just been distracted." "He's always sneaking off somewhere." "And lately...every time we try to make love, he's tired." "And I'm sexual." "I need it." "I mean, I really, really need it." "Mm." "Yeah." "I really need not to know that." " Will you talk to him?" "Find out if it's true." "Please." " Oh." "I have no one else to go to." "I'd go to my girlfriends, but I've slept with all their husbands." "Oh, that's great news." "Come on by after school." "I'd love to help you." "And P.S., Elliot, you've just made me the proudest father in the world." "Wow, cheerleading, huh?" "Really following in his daddy's footsteps." "I remember when Stan's son first started getting fat." "Stan was so proud." "I only wish he'd lived to see him reach 300 pounds." "So..." "Elliot... queerleading tryouts, huh?" "Cheerleading." "Yeah." "Well, we'll see what the kids are calling you when they're stuffing you in your locker on Monday." "Okay, Elliot." "So what are your guidelines?" "I was thinking of making you all up in Kabuki like Madonna in her "Frozen" video." "Right, well..." "I was thinking a simple cheer and dressed as a guy is probably a better way to go." "My locker's very small." "Why you ungrateful little piece of street trash!" "I oughta" "We must encourage him no matter how deep the shame runs." "So it says here for the audition, you need to come up with your own cheer." "Okay, so why don't you show me what you got, and we'll just change it all to my stuff later." "Okay." "I've...got...school...spirit." "I've got...school spirit." "Why you talentless, tone deaf sack of" "You're not helping." "Sit." "I know it stinks." "That's why I'm here." "I need your help, Jack." "Okay, we can do this." "What are your ideas?" "^What do you think this cheer should be?" "I don't know." "They just said to come up with something good that shows enthusiasm." "Okay, good and enthusiastic." "Let's let that roll around." "And it's rolling around." "And it's rolling around." "Good and enthusiastic." "Not too on the nose." "And stop." "I've got it." "Boy, are we enthusiastic." "We are feelin' G-O-O-D." "Boy, are we enthusiastic." "We are feelin' G-O-O-D." "Good and be enthusiastic!" "You see?" "Yeah." "That--that's pretty good." "Thank you." "Now." "Let's add a little bit of this." "All right, ready?" "When I say "go," you say "fight."" " Go." " Fight." " Go." " Fight." " When I say "when," you say "tonight." When." " Tonight." " When." " Tonight." " Go-o-o team!" "Go team!" " Okay, great!" "Excellent!" "I've never been more attracted to you than I am right now." "Dad, it's Will." "Can we talk for a sec?" "Dad, I know you're home." "Look, I don't care that-- that you're with someone." "You're--you're single." "You can do what you want." "You're--you're Ben Affleck right now." "Only without all the extra breakup weight." " So, look, whoever you're with in there, it's fine by me." "I just want to say that as far as" " Hello, Will." " Mom!" "What's going on?" "Where's Dad?" " He's in the shower." "In the sh" " You're the other woman?" "!" "You're the one that Dad's sneaking around with?" "You and Dad are--are" " You know... thinging." "Will, we're adults." "Let's talk like adults." "Your father and I are making pookie-pookie." "How did this happen?" "I mean, like, I know how this happens." "You showed me when I was 10 with two of my G.I. Joes." "I'm not saying that that led to anything, I just..." "How did this happen?" "Well, a few months ago, I ran into your father, and we decided to have a drink." "Oh, it was fun." " He made me laugh." "We caught up, and, you know, one thing led to another and before I knew it" " You don't have to finish that." "Pookie-pookie." "Well, I guess in a way, this is good news." "You know, I mean, you and Dad are back together." "I'll only have to make one hand-print ashtray at Christmas-time." "There you go." "Who's pretty when he smiles?" "I am." " Hey." " So?" "How'd it go?" "Wait, wait, wait." "Before you say anything, I'd like to present you with these pom poms." "They were your grandfather's." "Go, Elliot!" "Go, Elliot!" " I didn't get it." " What?" " Why you miserable, worthless" " Karen!" "What happened?" "I stunk." "All the girls laughed at me." "I'm gonna graduate a virgin." "Wha--I don't understand." "Did you do this?" " Yes." " What about this?" " Yes." " Well, did you do this?" "Yeah, I did all that stuff." "They just didn't like me." "Hey, did you do this?" "Oooooh..." "La la la la la... ooooh whee-e-e ooooh." "Whoo!" "No." "Well, you should try it." "It's fun." "You know, maybe I should go out for track." "Might as well." "Once word gets out I tried out for cheerleading, I'll be running a lot anyway." "Whoa-ho." "Whoa." "No." "Let me tell you something, Mister." "My family has had four generations of male cheerleaders." "And I ain't gonna do nothin' to break that up." "All right?" "So I'm gonna go talk to the powers that be, and make sure they know we are a serious force to be reckoned with!" "Karen!" "My pom poms!" "Boy, are we enthusiastic...." "Grace, it's great." "My mom and dad are back together, you know?" "And I" " I-I feel kinda bad for Tina, but then again, she is the one that kinda broke up the marriage, so I" "Are you peeing while I'm talking to you?" "!" "Yeah, I did one time, but at least I had the courtesy to-to-to do it silently around the edge of the bowl!" "Look, I" " I gotta go." "Just, please, just this once for me, remember to wash your hands." " Oh, hi." "Tina." " Hello, Will." " Come on in." " Oh." "So... um..." "How have you been, Will?" " Not bad." "I, uh" " I kinda had a weird moment last night" " Will!" "I really don't care." "I just want to know what you found out." "Oh." "Um..." "I'm afraid I have some bad news." "Then, why are you smiling?" "Oh, that--that's... just something that I do when I give bad news." "Um, people tell me it comforts them." "Oh..." "How often do you give bad news?" "Twice today, already." "Yeah." "A good friend of mine died." "So, um..." "Listen..." "I went to see my-- my Dad, and, uh... yeah, yeah, he is seeing someone else." "I think it's serious." "I'm--I'm sorry." "Oh." "Okay." "You know this is what I thought." "Oh!" "I'm so stupid." "When am I ever gonna find a married man who's faithful to me?" "I don't suppose you found out who she is, did you?" "I mean...the other...woman." " Does it really matter?" " Ah!" "You're right." "She's probably some whore!" "Or not." "One thing I do know is that he's-he's not gonna leave her." "So, you know, just move on." "Forget about him." "You know, you-- you got a killer body." "You love sex." "Who's not gonna snap that up?" "Yeah, you're right." "To hell with him!" "I-I deserve better than this." "You know, I was voted most confident in my low self-esteem support group." " I hope he gets an STD from that whore!" " Or not." "Go, Wolverines, Go!" "Go, Wolverines, Go!" "Jack, I didn't make the squad." "Let it go." "No, I won't let it go." "If I learned anything from seeing Gypsy fifty times, it's to push your children to hate you and never want to speak to you again." "Now, which one's the head cheerleader?" "The blonde." "Her name is Melanie." "And I kinda have a crush on her, so please don't embarrass me." "Don't worry." "Melanie!" " Yes, can I help you?" " I believe you can." "Yes." "How old is someone like you?" "25?" "Ever been in a limo?" "I'm Elliot's father." "Okay?" "That boy can cheer." "Okay?" "He comes from a long, proud line of cheerleaders." "His great-grandfather came to this country with nothing but a tattered pom pom in his hand, and a dream that one day he'd see his children stacked in a perfect pyramid." "And now, you're telling me you're gonna deny my son his heritage?" "Refuse him his birthright?" "Well, yeah!" "He sucked." " See, Jack, I told you." " Shush it!" " We are not leaving until you give him another chance." " Come on, Elliot, we'll do it with you." "Hold my drink, Heather." "And I know how much is in it, so no sippies." " Ready." "Okay." " Hi, Cowboys." "Hi, Sailors." " Hi, musclemen and cops." "Our team is called the Wolverines and you know our boys-- I can't do this!" "I don't want to be a cheerleader." "I never wanted to be one!" "School spirit!" "What is going on?" "What are you talking about?" "The only reason I did this is so you would pay attention to me." "You don't care about anything I do." "You don't care about basketball, and you don't care about skateboarding." "We-we both like Vin Diesel movies." "Yes, for very different reasons." "Do you know how humiliating it was for me to try out for cheerleading?" "But I was willing to do that to spend time with you." "I didn't know it meant that much to you, Elliot." "Why do you think I call you every Friday night to come to my basketball games?" "You know what?" "Forget it." "You can't understand." "No." "I do." "I do understand." "My dad did the same thing to me." "When I was a kid, I set up a little manicure stand at the end of my street." "I did a pretty good business with a couple neighbor ladies and the divorcees from the next town over." "But the only customer I ever really wanted was my dad." "Every day, I'd watch him come home from work, and I pray that he'd stop." "But he never did." "And I'd think to myself, "Why?" "Why?" "What kind of man doesn't want a roadside manicure from his own son?"" "I can't believe I repeated that cycle with you." " Well, you did." " Well, I'm sorry, Elliot." " I'd let you give me a manicure." " You would?" " Yeah." " You're the best." "Thanks, Elliot." "And I promise I'll start coming to your basketball games." "And I'll say to everyone, "That's my son, the one whose nails match his jersey!"" "Yeah." "You don't need to say that to everyone." " Will!" "We have to talk." " Mom!" "What if I'd come out here wearing nothing?" "You mean it's possible to wear less than you're wearing right now?" "I'll have you know skirts are shorter this year." "What did you say to that woman?" " Nothing!" "The-the truth." "I didn't mention you, but I-I did say that Dad's been seeing someone." " Ah, Will, that's just perfect." "You've ruined everything." "Mom..." "let's just sit down and talk about this." " Uh-oh." " Let's just stand up and talk about this." "Will, thanks to you, Tina's dumped him." "Well, that's great." "With Tina gone, you and dad can get back together, the way you used to be." "You know, with the-the joint showers and pookie-pookie." "Are you out of your head?" "Don't you understand why he cheated on me in the first place?" "Well, sure, because you stopped communicating." "The-the whole basis of your marriage started to slowly erode." "No." "It was fun." "Cheating is fun!" "Ooh, the secret little meetings, and-and you only have an hour and then, you gotta hide the evidence." "Ooh, gosh, I felt like a spy." " I felt like a sexual spy..." "On a--on a mission to" " You don't have to finish that." " Seduce the enemy with my body." " And she finished it." "Now, but thanks to you, the meddler in the mini-robe, that's all over." "Yeah, I just feel like we're married again, only now I have to pay for my own clothes." " So what do you want me to do?" " Fix it!" "No!" "I-I-I I'm staying out of this." "You know, just-just- call one of your other sons." "Oh, your brothers can't help me." "They're straight." "They have no finesse for the-- for the details of manipulating petty dramas." "Gee, what a sweet way of voicing your support for your gay son." "Will" " Oh my God, you're nude!" "Yeah, we've done all the robe jokes, move on." "I was packing my stuff at George's apartment, and I found a note." "The whore is your mother." "Meet my mother." "Whore, mistress." "Mistress, whore." "Well, um, hi, Marilyn." "We finally meet." "Though I've seen pictures of you when I removed them from your ex-husband's wallet." "Well, I must say, you're almost exactly as I imagined you." "You're like page four in the Midlife Crisis catalog." "Okay, ladies." "Let's relax and sit." " Oh." " Let's stand." "We have a very complicated problem here." "A lot of competing agendas." "But as a lawyer, I'm used to working on tricky corporate mergers." "So I'm sure we can find some common ground." "Mom, what is it you want?" "Well, I want Tina to keep seeing George." "So he can sneak around with me behind her back." "You're quite the role model." "Tina?" "Well, I want Marilyn out of the picture, so I can have George all to myself." "I mean, this is the first time I've ever dated a man that I didn't have to call, let it ring once, and call back." "So that was you at Thanksgiving?" "So what we're looking for is a solution that encompasses all these needs." "Uh, Will, when you gesture like that, we can see your Pennsylvania." "However, that solution does not exist." "So let's get to what I want." "Otherwise known as what's gonna happen." "Tina, move on." "You're gonna be miserable at first, but you'll live." "Mom, you are gonna get back with Dad." "You're gonna be miserable at first, but you'll live." " Are we clear on this?" " Um, yes." "I guess so." "Good." "Now we're all behaving like ladies." "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna drink half a bottle of chardonnay, and scrub myself until I feel clean again." " We're not gonna listen to him, are we?" " No, the three of us had a great thing going." " So I'll take George Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays." " And I'll keep him on the weekends." "We'll give him Tuesdays and Thursdays to rest." "Ohh, this is great!" "And it's even more exciting now that we're lying to Will." "Ooh, and here's another." "This is your great-grandpappy, Liam McFarland, leading a cheer squad." "That's quite a split." " And that was before stretch pants." " Yeah, I can see that." "Oh, talk about courageous." "When the Yanks landed in Okinawa, he was right there alongside them, yelling, "Fight, fight."" "And after the war, that brave man cheered with one arm." "How does that make you feel, boy?" "If I say proud, can I go home?"