"Joshie, what are you doing?" "It's not Uncle Vlaartark's birthday." "Tighter still." "I'm practicing knot tying for my squirrel scouts badge." "Our final test is today, and all the dads are coming." "Not all the dads." "Sorry, boy." "Rain check." "It's crisis time at work, and I'm behind on my "Petromundo cares" speech." "They said anyone without a dad gets dipped in a vat of weapons-grade plutonium." "He's lying, dad." "Just like yesterday, he told me a half alligator/half lion attacked him on the way to school." "He told me that self-pleasure gives one hairy palms." "Another lie." "Why are you lying so much, Josh?" "I learned it from you!" "You lied about coming to school today!" "I haven't seen the boy this mad since his horns came in sideways and we had to get him braces." "Well, he needs to understand that we are here for a reason." "We have to destroy that drill before it destroys hell." "Look, I even got a stress pimple." "Now Josh is upset." "I am failing in every single way." "Not in every way, my big man." "And besides, Josh is fine." "He hasn't blown anything up yet." "Have a great time at work, hon!" "We're in the smelly brown stuff, people." "Some of our more unorthodox business ventures have hit the press, and now the world hates us." "Our nuclear-powered coffee makers..." "The baby-oil plant..." "And our "guns for mutts" program, which last week put 14,000 unregistered guns on the streets." "I could never give up Popcorn, not even for a brand-new .45, son." "That's why our "Petromundo cares" event is so crucial." "All right, next order of business." "Straight from England, the very english Reginald, from England." "Hello, gov'nors." "Chim chim cher-ee." "Who wants a pint?" "I'm from England." "This man genius is the new brains behind the drill." "The new brains behind the drill?" "W.T.G.I.F?" "Reginald is working on a diamond drill technology." "If he gets his numbers right, we'll be to the center of the earth by the end of the week." "So, Reginald, you're new to America." "Let's go skydiving!" "It's not like you might get killed if someone improperly packs your chute then become unable to finish your drill work." "Sky diddlydivies?" "Brilliant!" "But, alas, I must work." "Have you ever had a drug addiction?" "Isn't it fun to do coke and go dancing?" "I'm afraid the wildest I get is a wee snifteroo of Brandy on boxing day." "Well, best return to my office." "Righty-o." "Chim chim." "David Niven." "Yeah, Reginald?" "Ashley's school called." "There's been an incident, and they want you there right away." "Manchester United!" "As a single father," "I'm afraid I don't have anyone to help shoulder these burdens." "Go, go." "There's nothing more precious than a father's relationship with his daughter." "Ashley is my son." "But Ashley is a girl's name." "I'm from Jolly Old England, where boys are named like girls and apartments are flats and beef Wellington!" "Excusies." "Yes!" "Take all the time in the world." "Family first!" "Those are my favorite jeans, Balthy." "They really make me ass pop." "I think there's something really squirrely about Reginald." "I know what's squirrely..." "his science." "Look..." "the numbers, they're all wrong." "What's that, now?" "If he tries to run the drill now, it'll split in two." "Killbride will cancel the drill for sure." "Cancel the drill?" "I can't wait to tell Killbride that Reginald's a fake." "Or you don't say anything." "Let Reginald fail and come in like a hero and clean up his mess." "Maybe you get your own parking spot with your name on it." "A parking spot?" "With my name on it?" " I never dreamed that was possible." " Dare to dream, buddy." "I have to find Reginald and get his british rump back at his desk!" "Rats on rye." "I hate my knees." "There you are." "This must be your daughter." "Son." "Hellosies." "You're needed back at the lab." "I'll drive you back." "Let's go!" "I can't." "Ashley did punchies on another student and got suspendisies." "Roger and Dudley Moore!" "I'm sure it's no big dealsies." "Who did she punch?" "What are you doing here?" "You're not here for me, are you?" "Epic fail." "Epic fail!" "Josh, I'm so sorry." "I didn't know." "Even Mandy left a biology test to come here, and she hates me!" "It's true." "I made time." "I'm going to take Ashley home." "We'll eat scones and not talk about our feelings." "We'll push them down until we get scurvy." "You see, we're british." "Kensington Gardens." "You can't go home." "You have to keep working." "But I'm a single father." "There's no one at home to care for him." "Paddington bear." "Oprah "aha" moment!" "What if Ashley came home with us and spent the night?" "You can go back to work, pull an all-nighter with your sciencey numbers." "I'll bring the boys to work tomorrow." "But, dad, I don't want to hang out with him!" "He smashed my face in!" "Give me a chance, Joshie." "You might even grow to like me." "You know, my daddy loves his work more than he loves me." "He said that?" "Yes." "With his absence." "Sound familiar?" "Your father seems to be screaming the same thing at you." "You think so?" "Yes, Joshie." "You need to get his attention." "I tried telling wild lies." "Fibbing is for 5-year olds." "I'm talking about peeing in a sleeping man's mouth, lighting a Starbucks ablaze, and punching your classmate." "Sound familiar?" "That's why you did it." "I thought you were just being a creepy weirdo." "A creepy weirdo who didn't spend the rest of the day at school and missed his social studies test." "Let me ask you something, Joshie." "Do you wish you could have more time with your father?" "More than anything!" "Then behave like a proper prick." "Prick." "They're howling." "I knew they'd get along." "If Josh keeps that little european girl occupied, by this time next week, the mission could be complete, and we might all be back in hell!" "I'm jazzing!" "Does anyone feel like dancing with me?" "I'll do it!" "Wait." "What is happening with the drill that's making it launch and be destroyed in one week?" "That's a good question." "I have no idea." "But Reginald has something to do with it?" "Correct." "Chickety check it before I wrickety wreck it." "Balthy, aren't you curious about what Reginald's doing?" "Nope." "I know it involves math," "I know his math is wrong." "He just has to keep working to make everything go kerblooey." "So stop thinking and dance, dance, dance!" "I discovered something shocking, son." "Reginald's numbers do work!" "We'll be to the center of the earth in a week!" "Come on, meester keester!" "This seems like a good place to act like a proper "p" to the rick." "Hello, America!" "Time to die!" " This place is weird." " You think this is weird?" "You should see my experiment shed at home." "And by "my experiment shed," I mean my underpants." "What is this place?" "It looks to be like some sort of bow-wow-wow-schwitz." "Hey, Ted, is it true this machine really turns dogs into diamonds?" "Hell yeah, Lonnie." "They're gonna strap them mutts to that drill bit over there and shoot 'em with that there laser right at the moment of "drillizization"." "I think it's called "photo-synthe-sees"." "Somethin' like that." "Anyway, watch." "I'll show ya." "Hey, kid!" "Put down that mutt!" "I'll be back for you." "I promise." "Scattah!" "Scattah!" "Follow the queen, follow the queen..." "I love the queen to my very core." "Blimey." "Long live her." "But I really have to work, Balthazorsies." "There's more to life than work, Reg." "Watch the queen, watch the queen, look at the queen here." "Son, hallway, now!" "The numbers don't work!" "If Reg keeps inputting his figures, the drill will split in two like an english muffin!" "What the hell, Chevdet!" "Are you using an abacus?" "Here's the queen!" "You found it." "Good job." "Back to work." "Gunshots!" "They're gonna kill the dogs!" " And cheetah legs!" " Josh, no lies." "Not now." "Seriously." "They shot at me and Ashley!" "What, now?" "They shot at my precious Ashley?" " Where is Ashley?" " Probably dead." "The last thing he screamed was "scattah", and I'm afraid that's what happened to his brains." "All over the pavement!" "He said "scattah"?" "That's his panic word!" "I've got to look for him!" "Excusies." "Look what you've done!" "You and your lies wrecked everything." "You're grounded!" "I can't believe you don't believe me!" "I'll show you!" "I'll show you!" "I could talk to Josh, if you want." "I have a knack with troubled boys." "I've been an inner-city swim coach for 13 years, and I haven't molested one of them." "Update on the "Petromundo cares" event today." "Did that little perky pixie bitch Katie Couric respond yet?" "She did, sir." "She will be here." "Hot corn!" "If we play our cards right, I may just get some hand love from her in my buick." "Hurt!" "Don't you ever disrespect miss Katie Couric!" "And, Hellman, there's a very strong likelihood you'll be shot today during your speech, what with all the guns that we've been handing out and how angry the world is with us, so you may want to dress in layers." "Geez." "All right, moving on." "See this button?" "If I push this button right now, the drill goes off." "Am I going to touch it?" "I'll touch it, sir!" "I'll touch it right now!" "I bet you'd love to touch it, Hellman." "You have a pervert's complexion." "But I'm saving it for your speech this afternoon." "Now, where's my grey-toothed bloke, Reg?" "I need him inputting numbers!" "So do I, sir." "I'll find him!" "If I don't get a chance to say goodbye, it's been an honor working for you." ""Dear daddykins." ""I'm fine." "I'm playing with Joshie." ""He's such a love." "Please keep working." ""I love you." "Keep working." ""Toodles." "Keep working." "Ashley."" "Can I get you anything so you can work undisturbed so that the numbers will be inputted and the drill will be launched?" "It is threesies." "And my belly would love some crumpets and mash." "Liam and Noel Gallagher." "I'm on it!" "This is Katie Couric live from Petromundo headquarters." "Are these veal sausages?" "Cause I love young, tender meat." "Back to you, Tim." "I got a fun idea, sir." "Let's hit the button now." "Are you mad, man?" "We have to wait till the t-shirt cannons go off to drown out the dog screams." "Dog screams, sir?" "Affirmative." "We're melting down those furry four-legged bastards into diamonds for the drill bit." "We're turning dogs into diamonds?" "So Josh wasn't lying." "I'm such a poopy-pants father." "It's time." "Go." "Go!" "Hello, everybody!" "Hello, Dolly!" "Hold for applause." "Welcome to "Petromundo cares", an event dedicated to showing you that we are committed to being a more thoughtful and responsible company, even though our guns for mutts program handed out over 14,000 unregistered handguns..." "I need you to hold all fire and applause until the end." "We need to talk to you, man." "I'm kind of in the middle of something here, Pazuzu." "Chickety check it." "Is that Josh disguised as a dog?" "He strapped himself to the drill." "Maybe if you believed him, he wouldn't be risking his life right now." "Holy stromboli!" "What do I do?" "Do your speech!" "Now!" "And let's launch this drill!" "Good people," "Petromundo is lying to you!" "There's a secret plan that's happening right now to turn dogs into diamonds." "I know it's hard to believe." "I didn't believe it myself when my own son told me." "And that's why we called this event to put a stop to it." "Because Petromundo cares!" "What?" "He's putting a stop to it?" "Finally, some corporate responsibility!" "So in the name of all that's good and right, charge that silo and free those dogs!" "And help us usher in a new era of Petromundo!" "You need to go home and spend more time with that daughter of yours." "You mean my son." "No daddy, he's right." "I am your daughter." "That does explain why you always pee sitting down." "Well, now you've let me into your secret," "I'm letting you in on mine." "We're not british, Ashley." "We're from Sheboygan, Wisconsin." "Go, Packers!" "But, daddy, why?" "Why did you lie about us being british?" "Because no one wants to hire an american scientist." "Listen:" ""Yo, Stan, hand me a beaker."" ""I trained mathematics at Oxford." See?" "But, daddykins, I'm legitimately british." "I grew up in London town." "London town, epcot center!" "My life is a liesies." "How dare you?" "Dogs are God's tiny furry angels." "You're fired!" "Did Katie Couric catch that?" "I don't know how you keep pulling these home runs out of your butt mouth." "If I weren't so straight and narrow," "I'd plant a wet one on your Jolly Green genitals!" "Sir, do you think Matt Lauer is cheating on his wife?" "Madam, how much do you hate Al Roker?" "Sir, do you think Natalie Morales is learning impaired?" "You did it, dad!" "You did it!" "I'm sorry I was such a selfish turd and I wrecked the mission." "If it's between saving hell and killing my son," "I'll take my son." "9 times out of 10." "No, no." "I was just breaking the tension." "Josh, I promise..." "I will never not believe you again." "And neither will I." "Great knot, Josh." "Maybe you can teach your dad how to do that." "It might come in handy." "Those knots look great." "You're a shoo-in for squirrel scouts tomorrow." "Better "knot" miss it, dad." "I promise, I won't get "tangled up" at work." "I just came up with that now." "I certainly "rope" not." "What?" "At least I'm trying." "Why isn't everyone mad at Mandy?" "She went out and got "knocked up"." "On blu-ray." "Behold!" "It is I, the Satan!" "Balthazor Hellman, we were so close!" "And now I'm going to chop off a piggy!" "One is going, but not to market!" "You pick." "I wouldn't go with a thumb." "I ran the numbers, and guess what." "The drill would have worked, and Balthazor saved the day!" "Is that true?" "Do you want to see the numbers?" "I've got them right here." "I don't have my glasses." "Shut up!" "They're just for reading!" "We all get old!" "Natural degeneration of eyesight." "So then?" "Even Brenda from 90210 gets old someday." "Fact!" "Satan out!" "Pazuzu, did you really run those numbers?" "Yeah, on Farmville!" "I just found some brown mystery eggs!" "Bravo, goblin!" "But the whole room is trashed." "What do we do?" "Let's dance!"