"CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY PARAMOUNT PICTURES CORPORATION" ""AND SUNLIGHT CLASPED THE EARTH," ""AND THE MOONBEAMS KISSED THE SEA." ""WHAT ARE ALL THESE KISSINGS WORTH" "IF THOU KISS NOT ME?"" "THAT'S IT." "[CLASS LAUGHS]" "MIKE." "MR. BRACKETT, OK." "THAT CAMERON DRAKE GUY," "DID YOU REALLY TEACH HIM?" "YES, I DID, MIKE." "RIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY ROOM." "DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE POEM?" "YES, MEREDITH." "WHEN CAMERON WENT HERE, DID HE HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?" "PLEASE." "JACK." "MR. BRACKETT." "VICKY." "DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE POEM?" "OH, YEAH." "YOU HAVE A COMMENT ABOUT ENGLISH LITERATURE" "OR ROMANTIC POETRY?" "ABSOLUTELY." "LET'S HEAR IT." "WELL, WHEN CAMERON WENT HERE AND HE STUDIED ENGLISH LITERATURE" "AND ROMANTIC POETRY," "WAS HE REALLY CUTE?" "NO, HE'S HAD MASSIVE SURGERY." "A COMPLETE OVERHAUL." "HE WAS AN IGUANA." "BUT YOU KNOW, HE LOVED THIS POEM." "EXCUSE ME, MR. BRACKETT." "MR. BRACKETT." "JACK." "IT'S HERE." "WHAT?" "FROM INDIANA STATE." "AND?" "HEY, JOE." "MR. BRACKETT, WILL YOU OPEN IT?" "IT'LL MAKE IT A LOT EASIER." "I MEAN, WHAT IF I..." "I MEAN, I'M NOT GONNA GET IN." "I BET THAT IT JUST SAYS, "NICE TRY, YOU MORON." "YOU LOSER, GET LOST." "GET OUT OF HERE."" "THAT'S NOT QUITE THE WAY THEY PUT IT, JACK." "HEY." "YES." "YOU'RE IN!" "FULL SCHOLARSHIP!" "YES, YES?" "WAY TO GO!" "YES!" "[HUSHED CONVERSATIONS]" "SHH, SHH, SHH." "GENTLEMEN." "ARE WE HAVING A PRACTICE?" "UH, WE CAN'T, YOU KNOW?" "IT'S OUR COACH." "YOU KNOW, HE'S GETTING MARRIED THIS WEEK." "YES, THAT'S CORRECT." "AND HE'S DRUNK." "I'M DRUNK?" "PRETTY SOON?" "YOU GUYS!" "CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BRACKETT!" "YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL." "HOWARD." "YOU LOOK EXQUISITE." "OH, I JUST WISH MY FOLKS WERE STILL HERE." "THEY NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN." "THEY NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET MARRIED." "WE'RE YOUR FAMILY NOW, DEAR." "I'M NOT JUST HOWARD'S MOM." "I'M YOURS." "BEWARE." "BUT, HONEY, WHEN YOU WALKED IN HERE LAST MONTH," "I ALMOST DIED." "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU." "SHE'S WORKED VERY HARD." "ISN'T SHE A KNOCKOUT?" "WELL, I JUST HAVE BEEN FAT MY WHOLE LIFE," "AND I WAS NOT GONNA WADDLE DOWN THAT AISLE," "AND WHEN I SAW" "THAT RICHARD SIMMONS INFOMERCIAL" "I LOVE HIM." "REMEMBER WHEN HE ACTUALLY WENT TO THAT WOMAN'S HOUSE" "WHO LOST OVER 400 POUNDS USING THE TAPES?" "OH, YES." "I JUST THOUGHT," "IF SHE CAN DO IT, SO CAN I." "AND YOU DID." "BRIDAL BARN, WE SALUTE YOU." "IT'S A STRAITJACKET IS WHAT IT IS." "DAD." "IT'S A CLASSIC, THE J-12." "YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY IN TOWN'S BEEN STOPPING BY," "REVVING UP FOR YOUR NUPTIALS." "LOOK AT THIS." "OH, SON, I DON'T KNOW." "THE TORM?" "." "[CLINKING GLASS]" "THANK YOU." "WELL, UH..." "IN JUST A FEW SHORT DAYS, EMILY AND I WILL BE MARRIED" "AFTER 3 LONG YEARS." "NOW, WHAT, YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF, WAS THE PROBLEM?" "YOU SAID IT!" "WELL, AUNT BECKY, I THINK I HAVE THE ANSWER." "I VOWED THAT I WOULD NOT BE MARRIED" "UNTIL CAMERON DRAKE WAS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR." "I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE." "NOW TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT," "FOR CAMERON, AT LEAST," "AND SO I'LL LET YOU ALL GET BACK TO YOUR SETS," "AND THIS SUNDAY, THANKS TO MY MOM AND DAD" "AND EMILY," "IT'S GONNA BE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE." "[APPLAUSE]" "## [ETHEL MERMAN ON STEREO] ## EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES" "WOULDN'T IT BE EXTRAORDINARY IF CAMERON ACTUALLY WINS?" "YOU REMEMBER?" "I HAD HIM." "YOU DID?" "YEAH, I WAS A STUDENT TEACHER." "IT WAS SOPHOMORE ENGLISH." "HE USED TO COME EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL" "FOR EXTRA HELP." "WE SPENT THE WHOLE YEAR" "RECITINGROMEO AND JULIET TO EACH OTHER." "OH, REALLY?" "JUST THE TWO OF YOU?" "HE WAS JUST A STUDENT." "HMM, WELL, ALL RIGHT." "NOW, WHICH CHANNEL?" "WHO WANTS MOVIE-STYLE BUTTERY LITE?" "ME, I DO." "SCORE PADS AND PENCILS." "GRETCHEN, WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BEST DOCUMENTARY?" "SOMETHING ABOUT POLISH MINE WORKERS" "AND THEIR STRUGGLE TO BE FREE." "I HOPE THAT NICE SALLY FIELD WINS." "BUT SHE'S NOT NOMINATED." "EVEN SO." "IT'S ALMOST TIME." "OH, TURN IT ON, TURN IT ON." "Reporter:" "THE PLACE-- HOLLYWOOD, USA." "THIS IS PETER MALLOY FORINSIDE ENTERTAINMENT" "INVITING YOU TO JOIN ME FOR HOLLYWOOD'S NIGHT OF NIGHTS," "THE 68th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS." "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," "HERE IS ANOTHER SCREEN LEGEND, AN OSCAR WINNER HERSELF," "MISS WHOOPI GOLDBERG." "WHOOPI!" "I LOVE YOU, WHOOPI!" "SO, WHOOP, CAMERON DRAKE." "HIS CHANCES?" "I THINK THIS KID IS INCREDIBLE." "HE IS SO SEXY, SO SWEET." "Woman:" "IT'S CAMERON!" "I MEAN, I JUST ADORE HIM." "HE IS JUST THE BEST THERE IS, YOU KNOW?" "IT'S CAMERON DRAKE." "THERE HE IS." "LOOK." "Crowd:" "CAMERON!" "CAMERON, CAMERON!" "CAMERON, CAMERON!" "CAMERON, CAMERON!" "CAMERON!" "HE IS JUST SO COOL." "WHAT IS THAT STUFF ON HIS CHIN?" "HE LOOKS LIKE A TROLL DOLL." "DID HE JUST WAKE UP?" "SHUT UP." "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE COMES AMERICA'S HOTTEST YOUNG STAR" "ANDPEOPLEMAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN OF THE YEAR, POOR GUY," "CAMERON DRAKE." "HELLO." "HEY." "HEY." "SO, CAMERON, TONIGHT'S THE BIG NIGHT." "ALL THE MARBLES." "PLANET CAMERON." "RIGHT." "UH, EXCUSE ME?" "I SAID, RIGHT." "EVERYONE'S SAYING THAT YOU WON'T BE GOING HOME EMPTY-HANDED." "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?" "AND SPEAK UP." "WELL, BASICALLY TO ME," "AWARDS ARE MEANINGLESS." "UM, I'M AN ARTIST." "IT'S ABOUT THE WORK." "ALL THE NOMINEES ARE ARTISTS." "WE SHOULDN'T BE FORCED" "TO COMPETE WITH EACH OTHER LIKE DOGS." "OH, I HEAR YOU." "GOOD POINT." "SO THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?" "IN CASE I WIN." "Announcer:" "AND NOW WE RETURN" "TOTHE 68th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS." "COMING UP, THE OSCAR" "FOR BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR." "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MISS GLENN CLOSE." "AND NOW OUR FINAL NOMINEE FOR BEST ACTOR," "CAMERON DRAKE." "CAMERON ROCKETED TO STARDOM WITH COURAGE AND CHARISMA," "TACKLING THE ROLE OF A BRAVE GAY SOLDIER" "IN THE BREAKTHROUGH FILM TO SERVE AND PROTECT." "[EXPLOSIONS]" "AAH!" "YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT, DANNY." "I LOVE YOU, BILLY." "WAIT." "DO YOU LOVE ME AS A FRIEND..." "OR IN ANOTHER WAY?" "ANOTHER WAY, BILLY." "YOU MEAN AS A BROTHER?" "NO, ANOTHER WAY." "YOU MEAN AS A COUSIN?" "NO, ANOTHER WAY." "YOU MEAN AS A PEN PAL?" "MY LEGS HURT." "OHH!" "AAH!" "AAH!" "AAH!" "Man:" "PROCEED." "LIEUTENANT STEVENS," "YOU'VE BEEN AWARDED 2 PURPLE HEARTS" "AND A CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR." "YOU SAVED THE LIVES OF YOUR ENTIRE UNIT." "HOWEVER, YOUR SERGEANT" "HAS COME ACROSS THE FOLLOWING ITEMS" "IN YOUR FOOTLOCKER." "WILL YOU KINDLY TELL THE COURT IF THEY ARE YOURS?" "A PERSONAL LETTER TO ANOTHER SOLDIER?" "OH, NO." "YES, SIR." "A PHOTOGRAPH SIGNED, "DANNY, SAN FRANCISCO"?" "YES, SIR." "[MURMURING]" "FINALLY, AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY OFBEACHES," "STARRING BETTE MIDLER?" "GIVE THAT BACK!" "DISCHARGE, DISHONORABLE!" "THEY'RE KICKING HIM OUT." "THAT'S NOT FAIR." "I MEAN, HE KILLED PEOPLE." "MM-HMM." "MM-HMM." "DANNY, I JUST DON'T KNOW." "DID I DO THE RIGHT THING?" "ASK HIM." "WELL, MR. PRESIDENT," "AM I STILL A GOOD AMERICAN?" "IT'S A STATUE, BILLY." "OH, DANNY." "I LOVE YOU." "COME ON." "LET'S GO HOME." "BILLY." "BILLY!" "BILLY!" "BILLY!" "OH, LOOK." "THERE HE IS." "THIS IS CAMERON'S FIRST NOMINATION," "AND HE'S IN EXTREMELY GOOD COMPANY." "TONIGHT, HE JOINS FELLOW BEST ACTOR NOMINEES..." "PAUL NEWMAN FORCOOT..." "CLINT EASTWOOD FORCODGER..." "MICHAEL DOUGLAS FORPRIMARY URGES..." "AND STEVEN SEAGAL FORSNOWBALL IN HELL." "AND THE WINNER IS..." "CAMERON DRAKE, TO SERVE AND PROTECT." "OH, MY GOD!" "OH, MY GOD!" "DOOFUS!" "DOOFUS!" "DOOFUS!" "DOOFUS!" "DOOFUS!" "DOOFUS!" "DOOFUS!" "THAT'S OUR BOY." "LOOK AT HIM." "OH, MY GOD!" "THANK YOU." "WOW." "NICE, MAN." "NICE." "I'D LIKE TO THANK A GREAT DIRECTOR," "AN INCREDIBLE CAST," "MY AGENT AND MY NEW AGENT," "BUT I'M JUST AN ACTOR PLAYING SOMEONE." "THIS REALLY BELONGS TO ALL THE GAY SOLDIERS AND SAILORS" "AND OTHER GUYS AND WOMEN WHO DEFEND THIS COUNTRY" "TO KEEP US FREE, BUT CAN'T DATE." "[APPLAUSE]" "SO MAYBE I SHOULD THANK SOMEONE ELSE." "SOMEONE WHO'S REALLY BEEN THERE." "SOMEONE WHO TAUGHT ME A LOT" "ABOUT POETRY AND SHAKESPEARE" "AND JUST, LIKE, YOU KNOW," "STAYING AWAKE, MAN." "SOMEONE WHO'S JUST AN OVERALL GREAT GUY" "AND A GREAT TEACHER." "TO HOWARD BRACKETT FROM GREENLEAF, INDIANA." "OH, MY GOD!" "OH, WOW." "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT." "AND HE'S GAY." "Cameron:" "I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT THIS NIGHT," "AND I'VE DECIDED TO DEDICATE THIS WHOLE NIGHT" "TO A GREAT GAY TEACHER." "MR. BRACKETT..." "WE WON!" "[TURNS TELEVISION OFF]" "[GASPS]" "HOWARD?" "HMM?" "HOWARD." "PRECIOUS." "HOWARD, WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?" "I HAVE NO IDEA!" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "WHAT?" "!" "MOM?" "DAD?" "IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANNA TELL US?" "SOMETHING ABOUT THE WEDDING?" "I'M NOT GAY." "OHH." "OF COURSE NOT." "NO!" "NO, NO, NO, NO." "MY SON'S NOT GAY." "NO WAY!" "NO HOW!" "NO DICE!" "NO WHERE!" "NO, SIR!" "BUT THAT BOY ON TELEVISION" "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT." "I AM OUTRAGED!" "I MAY HIRE AN ATTORNEY." "I MAY SUE!" "THAT'S RIGHT." "THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA." "YOU THINK?" "GET THAT JOHNNIE COCHRAN, NOT THAT WOMAN." "GOOD IDEA." "NOW, WE HAVE TO REMEMBER," "HE'S BEEN IN HOLLYWOOD A LONG TIME," "AND HE MAY BE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SOMETHING," "OR HE MAY HAVE JOINED A CULT." "OH, MY LORD." "THAT LITTLE ZOMBIE." "HIS FAMILY WAS-- OH, I HATE TO SAY THIS," "BUT WHEN THEY LIVED HERE," "THEY WERE NOT ACTIVE IN THE PTA." "HE USED TO MOW OUR LAWN." "NEVER AGAIN." "HOWARD, WE WANT YOU TO KNOW" "YOU'RE OUR SON, AND WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU" "GAY, STRAIGHT, RED, GREEN," "IF YOU ROB A BANK, IF YOU KILL SOMEONE." "IF YOU GET DRUNK," "CLIMB A CLOCK TOWER, AND TAKE OUT THE TOWN." "AS LONG AS YOU GET MARRIED." "I NEED THAT WEDDING." "I NEED SOME BEAUTY AND SOME MUSIC" "AND SOME PLACE CARDS BEFORE I DIE." "IT'S LIKE HEROIN." "DO YOU HEAR ME, HOWARD?" "HMM?" "OH." "EMILY, CAN WE GIVE YOU A LIFT?" "OH." "WILL YOU BE ALL RIGHT?" "OF COURSE." "I'M FINE." "WE'RE GETTING MARRIED." "I LOVE YOU." "Howard:" "GOOD NIGHT." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "HELLO." "NO, I'M NOT." "[RADIO CLICKS ON]" "Village People:" "## HEY, HEY ##" "## HEY, HEY, HEY ##" "## MACHO, MACHO MAN ##" "## MACHO MAN, YEAH ##" "## I'VE GOT TO BE ##" "## A MACHO MAN ##" "## I'VE GOT TO BE A... ##" "[GIRLS GIGGLING]" "ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO." "[MURMUR OF VOICES]" "THERE HE IS!" "THAT'S HIM!" "HEY!" "HOWARD!" "HEY!" "HOWARD!" "HOWARD!" "[REPORTERS SHOUTING]" "DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?" "I AM GETTING MARRIED!" "I AM NOT GAY!" "DO YOU KNOW ELLEN?" "A TEACHER IN TROUBLE, A TOWN UNDER SIEGE," "A JOURNEY TO THE HEARTLAND." "PETER MALLOY." "STAY TUNED." "HOWARD!" "HOWARD!" "SHOULD GAYS BE ALLOWED TO HANDLE FRESH PRODUCE?" "I DON'T CARE!" "THIS IS A CLASSROOM!" "CLASS." "SO, UH, WHERE WERE WE?" "ROMANTIC POETRY." "SHAKESPEARE." "TALENTED, ENGLISH," "DEAD." "THE SONNETS." ""SHALL I COMPARE THEE TO A SUMMER'S GAY?"" "[CLASS SNICKERING]" ""THOU ART MORE LOVELY AND MORE TEMPERATE." ""ROUGH WINDS DO SHAPE THE DARLING BUDS OF MAY," "AND S--"" "OK." "LET'S GET IT OUT INTO THE OPEN RIGHT NOW." "WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?" "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?" "IS IT..." "TRUE?" "OF COURSE NOT!" "I'M GETTING MARRIED IN 3 DAYS!" "SEE?" "I KNEW IT!" "TOLD YOU." "ALL RIGHT." "CLASS, CLASS." "BUT WHY DID HE SAY IT ON TV IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE WORLD?" "I MEAN, WERE YOU, LIKE, INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSED?" "DID YOU JUST WANT TO STICK A GRENADE IN YOUR MOUTH?" "LOOK." "ALL RIGHT." "OK, THAT'S-- CLASS, CLASS." "I DON'T KNOW WHY HE SAID IT." "I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT MYSELF," "BUT THAT IS NOT WHY WE'RE HERE TODAY." "MR. BRACKETT." "MIKE?" "WELL, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT ALL NIGHT." "WHY WOULD THAT GUY SAY YOU WERE GAY?" "AND I GOT IT FIGURED OUT." "I GOT IT." "WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?" "WELL, LOOK AT YOU." "I BEG YOUR PARDON?" "I MEAN, NO OFFENSE," "BUT YOU'RE AN ENGLISH TEACHER." "EXACTLY." "I MEAN, ALL THIS POETRY AND ODES AND BONNETS." "SONNETS?" "AND YOU'RE KINDA PRISSY." "PRISSY?" "WELL, NOT IN A BAD WAY." "I MEAN, LIKE, YOU'RE SMART..." "AND WELL-DRESSED..." "AND REALLY CLEAN." "IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD." "PLUS, YOU GOT THE DRAMA CLUB," "AND YOU RIDE THAT BICYCLE." "YOU'VE BEEN ENGAGED TO MISS MONTGOMERY" "FOR, LIKE, 3 YEARS." "WHAT--WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO" "I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT." "IF YOU ADD IT UP, OF COURSE THE GUY THINKS YOU'RE GAY!" "OOH!" "OOH!" "OOH!" "AND PLUS..." "HE WAS IN THAT MOVIE," "SO HIS BRAIN IS, LIKE, ALREADY GOING THAT WAY," "AND THEN HE REMEMBERS YOU," "AND HE GOES, "SMART, CLEAN, TOTALLY DECENT HUMAN BEING" "GAY!"" "[REPORTERS SHOUTING]" "GAYS IN THE SPACE PROGRAM?" "Woman:" "LESBIANS ON MARS?" "DO YOU HAVE ANY COMMENT?" "EXCUSE ME." "EXCUSE ME." "MR.--MR. BRACKETT." "BOYS AND GIRLS." "MR. HALLIWELL." "HOWARD, COULD, UH, COULD I..." "OH." "CLASS, EXCUSE ME." "THE SCHOOL IS SURROUNDED." "THERE ARE TV CAMERAS, REPORTERS." "SEE?" "THEY WANT PICTURES OF THE GAY GUY!" "[CLASS GIGGLING]" "I--I TRIED TO REASON WITH THEM." "I TOLD THEM I WAS THE PRINCIPAL," "AND THEY..." "THEY MOCKED ME." "I'M SORRY." "Halliwell:" "COULD YOU-- COULD YOU TALK TO THEM?" "Howard:" "RIGHT AWAY." "UH, CLASS, PAGE 58." "YES, LEARN-- LEARN ALL YOU CAN." "MR. BRACKETT." "Howard:" "YES?" "WATCH THE HANDS." "OH." "UH, GOOD--GOOD POINT." "HOWARD, ARE YOU GAY?" "ARE YOU GAY?" "HOWARD!" "HOWARD, PLEASE!" "Man:" "I'M SORRY." "I THINK THAT THE JURY IS STILL OUT ON THIS." "Woman:" "NO WAY." "HE'S BEEN HERE FOR HOW MANY YEARS?" "OH, COME ON." "I ALWAYS KNEW." "WELL, I SAY BRAVO." "IT'S A BLOW FOR FREEDOM." "GOOD FOR HOWARD." "TO QUOTE MR. BOB DYLAN," ""HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN WALK DOWN," "BEFORE WE CALL HIM A MAN?"" "ED, DON'T." "IT'S EARLY." "UH, KNEW WHAT?" "## AND HOW MANY SEAS MUST THE WHITE DOVE SAIL ##" "ED, PLEASE." "## BEFORE SHE SLEEPS ##" "SHUT UP, ED!" "TRINA!" "WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HOWARD." "WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HOWARD?" "'CAUSE HE LIKES DICK, CARL." "[DOOR OPENS]" "GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE." "HOW ARE YOU?" "HEY!" "HEY!" "TERRIFIC!" "FABULOUS." "IS THAT, UH, XEROX STILL ON THE FRITZ?" "HOW ARE YOU, SUNSHINE?" "OH, FINE." "OH, LOOK AT YOU." "DICK WHO?" "HE'S GETTING MARRIED THIS WEEK." "SEE?" "HE'S NOT GAY." "I--I TOLD YOU." "BUT, MAN, THINK ABOUT IT." "I MEAN, LIKE, GAY GUYS." "I DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT IT." "THERE'S ONLY 2 TIMES" "WHERE IT'S OK TO DO, LIKE, GAY STUFF." "2, LIKE, EMERGENCY SITUATIONS." "WHAT?" "WHICH SITUATIONS?" "PRISON, WHEN IT'S LIKE A SUBSTITUTE," "OR GUYS IN SPACE." "GUYS IN SPACE?" "WELL, NOT ON PURPOSE." "IT JUST HAPPENS BECAUSE THEY'RE WEIGHTLESS," "AND THEY FLOAT INTO EACH OTHER" "WHEN THEY'RE ASLEEP." "YOU'RE SO LAME." "WELL, I KNOW IT'S WRONG." "IT'S AGAINST, LIKE, NATURE." "BASIC PLUMBING." "WHAT?" "IT'S THE HUMAN BODY." "IT'S DIVIDED UP" "INTO IN-HOLES AND OUT-HOLES." "AND STUFF IS SUPPOSED TO GO IN THE IN-HOLES" "AND COME OUT THE OUT-HOLES." "BUT GAY GUYS," "THEY, LIKE, PUT STUFF IN THE OUT-HOLES." "WAIT." "SO IS A MOUTH LIKE AN IN-HOLE?" "RIGHT." "'CAUSE YOU PUT BURGERS IN IT AND BREW." "UNLESS YOU'RE SICK, AND YOU PUKE," "THEN IT'S AN OUT-HOLE, SO IT'S WRONG." "GUYS, GUYS, COME ON!" "HUSTLE!" "YOU'LL BE LATE FOR CLASS." "LET'S GO!" "WHAT'S GOING ON?" "UM, MR. BRACKETT," "COULD YOU, LIKE, EXCUSE US?" "WHY?" "MIKE'S BEING A JERK." "NO." "JUST UNTIL WE'RE, LIKE, DRESSED AND READY." "THIS DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO" "WITH THE OSCARS AND CAMERON DRAKE, DOES IT?" "NO." "OF COURSE NOT." "COME ON." "WELL, WHAT IS IT, THEN?" "WELL, IT'S JUST..." "BEFORE THE OSCARS," "IT WAS DIFFERENT." "I MEAN, YOU WEREN'T..." "I WASN'T WHAT?" "FAMOUS." "YOU GUYS." "PETER MALLOY, NETWORK." "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO." "NO MORE INTERVIEWS." "NO, I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY." "I HAVE NO COMMENTS." "I--I HAVE NO THOUGHTS ON GAY MARRIAGE," "I DID NOT SEE THE BIRDCAGE," "AND I'M TRYING TO HAVE MY DINNER." "OF COURSE." "I'M SORRY." "YOU SHOULD BE." "WHAT ARE YOU SITTING DOWN FOR?" "YOU PEOPLE--YOU PEOPLE HAVE SOME DECENCY." "YOU'VE BEEN HOUNDING ME ALL DAY." "AT MY SCHOOL, AT MY HOME." "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES." "I AM." "THOSE LEECHES." "THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO PRY INTO YOUR LIFE." "THEY'RE SLEAZY." "I DON'T KNOW." "I KIND OF LIKE THAT BARBARA WALTERS." "DID BARBARA CALL YOU?" "NO." "HOWARD." "HOWARD!" "NO!" "OH, HOWARD." "LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU SMUT PEDDLER YOU!" "YOU PROFESSIONAL GOSSIP WITH A PERMANENT TAN!" "HOWARD, WILL YOU GET REAL?" "SHH!" "LOOK AT ME." "WHY?" "WELL, SURE, I LOOK GREAT," "BUT MY RATINGS." "LOOK, EVERYONE WANTS" "TO TALK TO DIANE SAWYER OR JOAN LUNDEN." "MY NETWORK'S KILLING ME." "THEY WANT ME BLOND." "WITH YOUR COLORING?" "LOOK, ALL THOSE REPORTERS," "AFTER TODAY, THEY'RE GONE." "THEY'VE GOT THEIR STORY." "BUT I CARE." "I AM DOING A FULL WEEK." "A WEEK?" "NO, YOU CAN'T." "OH, BUT I HAVE TO." "IT'S TOO GOOD." "NO." "I--I HAVE CLASSES TO TEACH." "I'M GETTING MARRIED." "I'LL BE THERE." "NO." "I'LL--I'LL KILL YOU." "BUT IT'S CLASSIC." "SEX, A SMALL TOWN, AND A MOVIE STAR." "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?" ""HOWARD BRACKETT:" "IN AND OUT."" "MY GOD," "YOU ARE PURE TELEVISION." "STOP IT." "GOOD NIGHT." "[LAUGHTER]" "GUYS, REMEMBER" "I GOT THAT, WALT." "THANKS." "DON'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT THE OSCARS" "OR CAMERON DRAKE." "NONE OF THAT." "Man:" "I THINK HE'S COMING." "SHH." "SHH." "HE'S HERE!" "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "HOWARD!" "HEY!" "WHOO-HOO!" "YEAH, BABY!" "WHOO!" "WHOO!" "WHOA!" "ARE WE GONNA HAVE A BACHELOR PARTY?" "YES!" "YES!" "AND WE GONNA GET DOWN AND DIRTY?" "YES!" "YES!" "DISGUSTINGLY, PUKINGLY DRUNK?" "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR WEEKS, MAN," "AND WE GOT ALL YOUR FAVORITE STUFF, EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!" "HIT ME!" "HERE, HOWARD." "OH, YEAH!" "WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE, TRIPLE X?" "UH,LITTLE ORAL ANNIE?" "TRACI LORDS?" "LAY SOME ADULT VIDEO ON ME." "WE GOT IT..." "UNCUT." "FUNNY GIRL!" "YEAH!" "YEAH!" "[WILD LAUGHTER]" "FUNNY GIRL?" "YEAH." "YEAH, YEAH." "I DON'T BELIEVE THIS." "BARBRA STREISAND?" "YOU HAD THAT LITTLE FILM FESTIVAL LAST YEAR." "YEAH, YOU MADE US ALL WATCH ALL HER MOVIES." "IT WAS FUN." "GUYS." "GUYS, I'M TRULY OFFENDED." "I--DON'T YOU SEE," "THIS IS PRECISELY THE REASON" "WHY CAMERON DRAKE AND HALF THE CIVILIZED WORLD" "THINK THAT I'M..." "YOU KNOW." "OH, NO!" "NO!" "OH, NO!" "OH, NO!" "YOU'RE A GUY'S GUY!" "NO, NO, NO." "WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GOT STARTED," "BUT THIS IS MY GODDAMN BACHELOR PARTY," "AND I AM NOT GOING TO GODDAMN WATCH" "PARDON MY SPLIT INFINITIVE" "FUNNY GIRL!" "ME, NEITHER." "I HATE THAT CRAP." "THANK YOU!" "YOU GOT A STAR IS BORN?" "OH, SURE." "A STAR IS BORN?" "SHE LOOKS BAD INSTAR IS BORN." "YENTL." "YENTL!" "OH, YES!" "I'D WATCH IT AGAIN." "I LOVEYENTL!" "YEAH! "PAPA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?"" "PRODUCEDANDDIRECTED." "DUDES, HOMBRES, GUYS!" "GUYS, I'M SORRY." "I AM TRULY OFFENDED." "I THOUGHT--I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU GUYS." "I THOUGHT YOU WERE STUDS." "I GUESS I THOUGHT WRONG." "I'M OUT OF HERE." "WAIT." "HOWARD." "AW, MAYBE HE'S RIGHT." "YENTLSUCKS." "OOH." "OHH." "UH-OH." "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" "YENTL.IT SUCKS." "IT'S BORING." "SAY THAT AGAIN." "SHE WAS TOO OLD FORYENTL!" "[EVERYONE SHOUTING]" "[APPLAUSE]" "I GUESS YOU HEARD THE LATEST STORY." "MICHAEL JACKSON GETTING MARRIED AGAIN." "YES, IT IS TRUE." "AND THIS TIME HE'S MADE THE PERFECT CHOICE" "HOWARD BRACKETT." "YES, HOWARD BRACKETT." "[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]" "THIS IS PETER MALLOY" "WITH DAY 2 OF "HOWARD BRACKETT:" "WILL THERE BE A WEDDING?"" "I'M STANDING WITH ALDO HOOPER, HOWARD'S BARBER." "STYLIST--RAZOR CUTS, COLOR, FULL BLOW DRY." "THAT'S VERY NICE." "SO, ALDO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?" "WILL THERE BE A WEDDING?" "HOWARD IS BOOKED FOR SATURDAY." "A FULL STYLING." "I SAY YES." "EMMETT WILSON, WHO HAS JUST DELIVERED HOWARD'S MAIL," "HIS INTIMATE CORRESPONDENCE," "LETTERS TO ALLEGED." "ANYTHING WE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?" "I CAN'T REVEAL THAT." "I'M A POSTAL EMPLOYEE." "DON'T MAKE HIM MAD." "OF COURSE HOWARD'S GETTING MARRIED." "HE'S A MAN OF HIS WORD." "IS THIS NATIONAL?" "YOU BET." "PLEASE..." "USE YOUR FULL ZIP CODES." "GREENLEAF HIGH, CRADLE OF CRISIS." "HOWARD'S SENIORS," "YOUTH IN THE CROSSFIRE." "TELL US IN YOUR OWN INNOCENT YOUNG WORDS," "IS HE GAY?" "OH, NO." "NO, HE TOLD US." "IT WAS ALL, LIKE, THIS BIG, HUGE MISTAKE." "IT JUST HAPPENED 'CAUSE MR. BRACKETT" "LIKES POETRY AND SHAKESPEARE AND USES HIS NAPKIN." "UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE." "WHAT?" "TEENS IN TURMOIL." "AND YOUR MESSAGE TO AMERICA?" "GREENLEAF RULES!" "YEAH!" "KIDS ON THE EDGE." "A COMMUNITY IN CHAOS." "INDIANA CRIES OUT." "HOWARD, CAN YOU HEAR?" "UH, HOWARD..." "UH, YOU--YOU GOT A MINUTE?" "HOWARD, UH..." "YOUR--YOUR LIFE, I MEAN, SINCE..." "SINCE THE OSCARS" "I CAN ONLY IMAGINE." "WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S OVER NOW." "IT'S FINE." "IT'S JUST FINE." "IT'S ALL ANCIENT HISTORY." "HOWARD, WE DO HAVE GRADUATION COMING UP MONDAY," "AND YOU KIND OF," "YOU KNOW, PUT US RIGHT..." "RIGHT IN THE SPOTLIGHT." "I'M SO SORRY, TOM." "THIS--THIS" "HOWARD, I'D BE LESS THAN HONEST" "IF--IF I DIDN'T TELL YOU" "THAT I'VE GOTTEN SOME CALLS FROM..." "FROM PARENTS, UH..." "WONDERING IF IN FACT YOU WERE A HO..." "HO..." "H-HO..." "H-HO..." "HOME ROOM TEACHER?" "HOMO-HOM-HOMOSEXUAL." "TOM..." "DO I LOOK LIKE A HOMOSEXUAL?" "WOULD YOU WALK FOR ME?" "EXCUSE ME." "UH, HOWARD?" "YES." "DO YOU--DO YOU ENJOY TEACHING?" "NO, I DON'T ENJOY IT." "YOU--YOU DON'T?" "NO, I LOVE IT." "IT'S MY LIFE." "THEN--THEN YOU'D, UH, YOU'D MISS IT?" "ARE--ARE YOU..." "THREATENING ME?" "NO, NO." "I'M..." "I'M YOUR FRIEND." "FRIENDS DON'T THREATEN." "NO, THEY DON'T." "FRIENDS WARN." "AND YOU, UH..." "YOU--YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED, AREN'T YOU?" "BUT ARE YOU SAYING" "THAT IF I WEREN'T GETTING MARRIED," "I'D BE FIRED?" "BUT THAT'S NOT AN ISSUE, IS IT?" "NO." "BEST WISHES." "HI." "BLESS YOU, MY SON." "THANK YOU." "WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ME YOUR SINS?" "YES." "YES." "FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT CATHOLIC." "THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?" "I HAVE A FRIEND WHO'S CATHOLIC," "AND HE'S VERY BUSY." "WELL, AREN'T YOU HELPFUL?" "WHAT ARE HIS, YOU KNOW, SINS?" "YOUR FRIEND'S?" "HE'S A-- HE'S A PLUMBER," "AND, UH, HE'S ABOUT TO BE MARRIED." "HE'S BEEN ENGAGED FOR 3 YEARS." "WELL, CAUTION IS A VIRTUE." "YEAH, BUT, SEE, EVERYONE'S..." "EVERYONE'S SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT HIM," "SOMETHING THAT ISN'T TRUE." "I MEAN, IT'S NOT A BAD THING, BUT HE ISN'T THAT THING." "WHICH THING?" "WHICH THING ARE PEOPLE SAYING ABOUT HIM?" "THAT, UM..." "[WHISPERING] That he's gay." "THAT HE'S WHAT?" "THAT HE'S GAY." "OH!" "OH, MY." "OH, MY." "YEAH." "OH, MY, MY, MY, MY." "THAT'S RATHER LIKE THAT FELLOW ON THE OSCARS." "THAT, UH, HOWARD BRACKETT" "FROM OVER AT GREENLEAF." "BUT IT'S NOT HIM." "THIS IS A DIFFERENT GUY." "WELL, WHAT IS IT HE WANTS TO KNOW?" "HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HE SHOULD DO." "WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING?" "HE NEEDS TO KNOW" "HIS MOTHER'S PLANNING THIS HUGE WEDDING" "WITH THE WHOLE TOWN," "AND--AND IT'S HER WHOLE LIFE." "IT'S GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL," "BUT HE--HE..." "HE--HE LOV--HE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE THIS TOWN." "AND, UH, HE HAS THIS WONDERFUL FIANC?" "E" "WHO'S SWEET AND THIN AND..." "HE JUST HAS NEVER HAD A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HER." "NEVER?" "IN 3 YEARS?" "HE RESPECTS HER." "HE'S GAY." "NO, HE'S NOT." "YES, HE IS." "NO, HE CAN'T--NO." "WELL, THEN HE MUST GO TO HER." "HE'S GOT TO FIND OUT." "HE MUST BE..." "YOU KNOW..." "BEWITHHER." "HUH?" "REALLY?" "MM-HMM." "BEFORE THE WEDDING?" "GODSPEED, MY SON." "Woman on TV:" "NOW LET'S DO MICHAEL." "## MICHAEL, MICHAEL, BO BICHAEL ##" "## BANANA FANA FO FICHAEL ##" "## FEE FI MO MICHAEL ##" "## MICHAEL ##" "## HA HA HA!" "##" "## DONNA, DONNA, BO BONNA ##" "## BANANA FANA MO MONNA ##" "[POUNDING AT DOOR]" "OH!" "[TURNS TV OFF]" "Howard:" "EMILY!" "[POUNDING]" "EMILY!" "HOWARD." "EMILY." "HOWARD." "HOWARD." "HOWARD." "WE'RE GETTING MARRIED." "WE ARE." "WE ARE GETTING MARRIED." "OF COURSE WE'RE GETTING" "I'M GLAD WE'RE GETTING MARRIED, HOWARD." "[MOANING LOUDLY]" "HOWARD!" "HA!" "WHO'S GAY, HUH?" "[CHUCKLES]" "HOWARD." "AAH!" "[WHIMPERS]" "HOWARD, WHAT IS ALL THIS?" "I'M SORRY." "I'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE." "I, UH--COULD YOU TURN HIM OFF!" "HOWARD, HOWARD." "I CAN'T." "HOWARD, I LOVE YOU." "I'M NOT WORRIED." "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND." "OF COURSE I DO." "LOOK AT YOUR LIFE." "THE OSCARS, THE PRESS." "IT'S NO WONDER YOU'RE GOING CRAZY." "BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER." "WHY NOT?" "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU," "AND WE'RE GETTING MARRIED." "YOU STILL WANT THAT, HOWARD, DON'T YOU?" "THAT'S WHY I TRANSFORMED MYSELF," "ISN'T IT?" "DO YOU WANT ME TO START EATING AGAIN?" "NO!" "I CAN, HOWARD!" "I'M VERY FRAGILE!" "I LOVE YOU." "[MUTTERING]" "[HORN HONKS]" "AAH!" "OH, MY GOD!" "HOWARD!" "HOWARD, YOU OK?" "NO." "NO, I'M NOT OK." "I'VE NEVER BEEN SO NOT OK IN MY LIFE." "I TRIED TO STOP." "I..." "ONE WEEK AGO, I WAS FINE." "I WAS-- I WAS PERFECT." "I WANT MY LIFE BACK!" "WELL,THATIS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, HOWARD." "YOUR LIFE HAS CHANGED." "BUT WHY?" "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?" "I HAVEN'T CHANGED." "ONE LITTLE WORD, AND EVERYBODY CHANGES." "I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON." "WHY DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME?" "WELL, THIS TOWN IS CRAZY ABOUT YOU." "I'VE TALKED TO EVERYONE." "STOP!" "THAT'S IT!" "THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" "IT'S YOU!" "YOU'RE TRYING TO TURN ME INTO A STORY," "INTO SOMETHING JUICY FOR YOUR SHOW!" "WELL, I AM NOT A SOUND BYTE!" "I'M--LOOK, I'M..." "OHH." "I AM HURTING THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT." "MY STUDENTS," "MY FAMILY, EMILY." "I LOVE EMILY!" "WELL, THEN THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO HER." "OH, WILL YOU-- WHAT--IT'S LIKE" "YOU'RE LIKE TALKING TO--I..." "WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU?" "YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND" "WHAT THIS IS LIKE!" "HOWARD, I'M GAY." "YOU'RE WHAT?" "I'M GAY." "I CAME OUT." "TO WHOM?" "OOH." "TO EVERYONE." "MY FOLKS, MY BOSS," "MY DOG." "ONE DAY, I JUST SNAPPED." "I JUST GOT TIRED OF SWITCHING PRONOUNS" "AND REMEMBERING TO LOWER MY VOICE," "AND I COULDN'T TAKE LYING TO THE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE." "DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?" "[LOWERS VOICE] NO." "SO I JUST SAID, "MOM, DAD, SPARKY, I'M GAY."" "WHAT HAPPENED?" "WELL, MY MOM CRIED FOR EXACTLY 10 SECONDS." "MY BOSS SAID, "WHO CARES?"" "AND MY DAD SAID, "BUT YOU'RE SO TALL."" "HOWARD, EVERYONE SURPRISED ME" "ONCE--ONCE I LET THEM," "ONCE I TRUSTED THEM." "YOU KNOW..." "SOMETIMES THE WORST THING YOU THINK CAN HAPPEN" "TURNS OUT TO BE THE BEST THING." "FOR YOU." "FOR ANYONE." "YES, BUT I'M NOT GAY!" "WHAT WAS STREISAND'S EIGHTH ALBUM?" "UH,COLOR ME, BARBARA." "STUD." "EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!" "EVERYONE WHERE?" "THE LITTLE GAY BAR ON THE PRAIRIE?" "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?" "YEAH, I NEED A WEDDING!" "I NEED" "AHH." "YOU..." "YOU..." "YOU KISSED ME." "YOU NOTICED." "YOU--YOU--THIS-- THIS IS NOT LOS ANGELES." "WHAT, PEOPLE DON'T KISS IN GREENLEAF?" "NOT AT AN INTERSECTION!" "[HORN HONKS]" "OH." "OH, STOP." "OH, HELLO, SWEETHEART!" "MOM!" "DAD!" "HI." "LOOK, IT'S THE CAKE." "YEAH, WELL..." "Frank:" "EVERYTHING OK THERE?" "YEAH." "THIS IS MY PETER-- FRIEND PETER." "WE JUST RAN INTO EACH OTHER HERE AT THE INTERSEXUAL" "HOMOSECTION" "INTERSECTION." "I GOTTA GO." "OH, IT'S THAT FELLA FROM TV." "THANK YOU." "WELL, IF YOU'RE HOWARD'S BUDDY," "I DO HOPE YOU'LL BE COMING TO THE WEDDING." "THE WEDDING." "THAT'S RIGHT." "SUNDAY MORNING, 9 A.M." "I GOTTA GO." "I HAVE TO PREPARE MYSELF." "IT'S FORMAL, YOU KNOW?" "[DOOR SLAMS]" "OK." "OK." "[DRAMATIC BRASS INTRODUCTORY THEME]" "Announcer:" "WELCOME TO OUR SERIES" "ON EXPLORING YOUR MASCULINITY." "THIS IS AUDIO TAPE NUMBER ONE" ""GETTING A GRIP."" "[MUSIC ENDS]" "ARE YOU DRESSED IN SUITABLY MASCULINE ATTIRE?" "VERY." "ARE YOU IN CONTROL?" "YES." "ARE YOU READY TO TAKE CHARGE?" "ARE YOU A MAN?" "YES!" "STAND UP." "STAND STRAIGHT AND TALL." "EXCUSE ME, ARE WE A LITTLE TEAPOT?" "UNTUCK YOUR SHIRT." "JUST ONE SIDE." "OHH." "YOU HATE THIS, DON'T YOU?" "WELL, LOOK AT IT!" "YOU WANT TO BE NEAT." "YOU WANT TO BE TIDY." "ADJUST YOURSELF." "NOT THERE." "THE PACKAGE, SISSY MAN." "THE FAMILY JEWELS." "GRAB 'EM." "MMM." "YOU'RE IN A BARROOM." "OK." "REPEAT AFTER ME." ""YO."" "YO!" ""HOT DAMN."" "HOT DAMN!" ""WHAT A FABULOUS WINDOW TREATMENT."" "WHAT A FABULOU" "THAT WAS A TRICK." "OH!" "DAMN!" "WE HAVE COME TO THE MOST CRITICAL AREA" "OF MASCULINE BEHAVIOR." "WHAT?" "DANCING." "Woman singing:" "## FIRST I WAS AFRAID ##" "## I WAS PETRIFIED... ##" "YES." "Announcer:" "TRULY MANLY MEN" "DO NOT DANCE..." "OH, COME ON!" "UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES." "THIS WILL BE YOUR ULTIMATE TEST." "AT ALL COSTS," "AVOID RHYTHM, GRACE," "AND PLEASURE." "WHATEVER YOU DO," "DO NOT DANCE." "[SONG SPEEDS UP WITH DISCO BEAT]" "I WON'T!" "Announcer:" "CAN YOU HEAR IT?" "YES." "CAN YOU HEAR THE DEMON?" ""DANCE," THE DEMON WHISPERS." "EVERYONE ELSE IS DANCING." "THEY'RE GETTING DOWN." "THEY'RE GETTING FUNKY NOW." "THEY'RE HAVING FUN!" "NOT YOU!" "NO." "CATCH THE FEVER." "FEEL THE HEAT OF THE DISCO BEAT." "IT'S CALLING TO YOU." "DO NOT LISTEN!" "MEN DO NOT DANCE." "THEY WORK, THEY DRINK," "THEY HAVE BAD BACKS." "THEY DO NOT DANCE." "HOLD STILL." "HOLD TIGHT." "WHATEVER YOU DO," "DO NOT DANCE!" "Woman: ## HEY, HEY ##" "## I, I WILL SURVIVE... ##" "Announcer:" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "!" "STOP DANCING, YOU BIG BALLERINA!" "STOP WAVING THOSE HANDS!" "AREN'T YOU LISTENING, YOU PANTYWAIST?" "STOP IT!" "STOP SHAKING THAT BOOTY!" "BE A MAN!" "KICK SOMEONE!" "PUNCH SOMEONE!" "BITE SOMEONE'S EAR!" "Woman: ## ..." "HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH ##" "## AND YOU SEE ME.. ##" "Announcer:" "STOP IT!" "GET A GRIP!" "THINK ABOUT JOHN WAYNE," "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER." "ARNOLD DOESN'T DANCE!" "HE CAN BARELY WALK." "STOP IT!" "STOP IT!" "JUST STOP DANCING!" "[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]" "SO HOW DID YOU DO, PUSSY BOY?"