"good morning, Hawkeye." "good morning, Charles." "## [ Whistling, UpTempo]" "What is this, take a cadaverto lunch day?" "I'm glad to see somebody's not such a Sorrowful Jones." "That's because I've got the day off." "I met a chopper pilot who loves fishing as much as I do." " We're going up to Lake Kogee." " Charles, you're from Boston." "Here's something I'm sure will interestyou." ""Red Sox SluggerTed Williams to Leave Korea."" "Oh, goody!" "Does this mean I can have his dessert?" "What happened?" "The ump throw him out ofthe war?" "No, it says he's got an ear and throat infection." "He's been grounded, and the marines are sending him to a militay hospital in the States." "Last time I had an ear and throat infection, nobody sent me home." " You ever hit.400?" " Oh, pipe down, you morons." "He's a war hero, and he's not leaving the marines,just Korea." " Captain Hunnicutt?" " Yo!" "Here's my ride." "I leaveyou to each other, which is reason enough for leaving." "I can tell you the real reason Ted Williams is going home." "I heard the marines are pulling out thewhole 31 1 th FighterSquadron... because the Commies have given up on that sector." " Where'd you hearthat crock?" " gentlemen, in all fairness..." "I must tell you that I heard the same stoy myself." "Actually, I think I got that from you." "[ Chuckles ] Margaret, you should know better than to promulgate idiotic rumors." "It's not a rumor!" "Foryour information, it's something I heard." "It's amazing." "People will believe anything." "Yeah, that I'll buy." "The more outrageous the tale, thewiderthe circulation." "Oh, yeah, perhaps." "But then, without a certain amount ofblind faith, I'd be out ofbusiness." "Hey, guys, did you know thatTed Williams is going home?" "I heard the Red Sox paid 50,000 bucks to get him out ofthe marines." "That's notwhat I heard." "I heard it was 75,000... and they sold Babe Ruth to the navy." "Who cares about Ted Williams?" "How come you didn't tell us about Marilyn Monroe?" " What about Marilyn Monroe?" " You know." " Know what?" " She's coming here." "Marilyn Monroe is coming here?" "Noon tomorrow." "Wait a minute." "I wasn't born yesterday." "If Marilyn Monroe was coming to Korea, eveybody'd know about it." "Well, not all of Korea, just this unit." "Yeah." "Apparently she wants to express her gratitude..." " to the doctors here who saved the life ofher... cousin." " Yeah." " Her cousin was here?" " What, you forgot already?" "The blond kid." "The, uh- Theyoung guywith the wound." "Oh, sure." "I remember." "Ayoung blond guy." " That's the one." "Yeah." " Wait a minute." "I'm the company clerk." "If Marilyn was coming here, I'd know about it." "Oh, come on now, Klinger." "Useyour brain." "A famous movie star like that?" "Word like that gets out... she shows up, she's gonna be trampled by thousands of drooling g.I.s." "You know how private Marilyn is." "gotta admit, eveything you say makes perfect sense." "Or it could just be some stupid rumor somebody made up." "Nah, I buyit!" "Hey, I better get busy." "I got work to do." "[Man ] You're gonna love this place." "Ifyou run out ofbait, allyou gotta do is whistle." "[ Chuckles ] Well, in that case, I hope this baby's got a big enough trunk." " U h-oh." " What?" "Oh, boy." "Obviously, the North Koreans didn't see my "gone fishing" sign." " I guess we ought to be neighborly." " Yeah." "Look, I know it's a secret, but we're on the same side ofthe secret." "You can't confirm she's coming?" "Okay, I'll playyour little game." "Can you deny it?" "Can you confirm thatyou can't deny it?" "Doyou deny thatyou confirm thatyou can't deny it?" "Well then, that confirms it." "Thankyou vey much, Sparky." "Son, that conversation just gave my ears whiplash." "Care to unknot things for me?" "I realize the colonel is keeping a tight lid on this, but don't wory, sir." "The name Marilyn Monroe will not leave this office." " Marilyn Monroe?" " Quiet, sir!" "The walls have ears." "You know she wants to keep this visit hush-hush." "Wait a second." "Haveyou caught wind ofsome rumor that Marilyn Monroe is coming here?" "It is not a rumor, sir." "I've been around long enough to know thatyou can't believe eveything you hear." "In WW.I., we got word the warwas over... because KaiserWilhelm was entering the priesthood." " He didn't." " Colonel, I just got the confirmation from "I" Corps." "You talked to a couple of stripes." " I'm gonna talk to a couple ofbrass." " [Phone Rings ]" "MASH 4077." "One moment, please." "It's foryou, sir, from "I" Corps." "general Schwerin." "general Schwerin." "Hello, general." "Sherm Potter, you son of a buck, you." "How come I hear about something like this Marilyn Monroe visit... through channels and not from my friends?" "Oh, you heard it about it through channels, huh?" "Tell you the truth, general, I wasn't sure about it myself until just now." "Well, I'm not one to hold a grudge... butyou're not gonna have thatwoman all toyourself." "I was packing forthree days R  R in Tokyo, and I'vejust canceled all that... so I can come upyourway and shake the hand that belongs to those legs." "general, mi unit es su unit." "Tomorrow at 1 200 hours." "She's really coming!" "Oh, this could be the most exciting day of my life." " Is he gonna be all right?" " Yeah." "Doesn't look too serious." " Too bad about the fishing trip." " Ah, well." "First thing they teach you in med school is don't make plans." " Uh-oh." " What's the matter?" " Looks like Uncle Sam is having a bad day." " Oh, boy." "Drop that rope to him." "I can't land here." "It's anchored to the seat." "We'll lift him to that field over there." "Then I can land, and we'll put him in the pod." "[ B.J. ] Tie it around yourself, and we'll pull you out!" "Come on!" "You can do it!" "Come on!" "What are you doing?" "He can't make it." "I'm gonna go down there, and you can pull us both out." " [Gunfire ] - get back in here." "They're shooting." "We've gotta get out ofhere." " He's got the rope." "Let's go." " No, cut it." " What do you mean, cut it?" " The extra weight's too much." "Cut the rope." " [ Gunfire Continues ]" " They'll kill him!" "They'll kill us all ifwe stay here." "Cut the rope." "Cut it, damn it!" "Cut the rope." "Cut it!" "They hit the oil cooler." "I thinkwe'll be okay." "You were reallygonna go down that rope, weren'tyou?" "[Man On P.A. ]Attention allpersonnel." "The bad humor truck is in the compound." "Possi ble fractured clavicle." "Maybe internal injuries." " Right, Doc." " Pain any better?" " A little." " Was there anybody else from your unit in that area?" " You saw my buddy." " Notyour buddy." "Another guy." " Should we type and cross-match him?" " The plasma's okay for now." "Another guy, with dark hair and a leg wound." "Same area, about 200 yards away in the woods." " I don't know whoyou mean, sir." " You got anybody else?" "No, no." "He's the only one." "[ groaning ]" " [ Man ] Where am I?" " [ Margaret ] MASH 4077." "You're gonna be just fine." " 4077?" " Right." " Is Marilyn hereyet?" " Uh, no, no." "Uh, no, but let's put it this way." "She is expected." " Oh." " Eveyone seems to know she's coming." "It's a good thing it's not a militay secret." "I've been thinking about this." "A star ofher magnitude... not to mention "tism." deserves a really boffo reception." " Pierce, that's whereyou come in." " Me?" "You're witty, suave, you lean toward handsome." "And I'm putting you in charge ofOperation Bombshell." " No, no, uh" " I can't think ofa more appropriate choice... for a vey important job." "I don't think it's such a great idea." "As a matter offact- general Schwerin himself is giving up three days of R  R... in Tokyo to meet double "M."" "The least we can do is make eveybody's trip worth the mileage." "I'll give it all the effort it deserves." "His pulse is thready, andhis bloodpressure is 70 over 40." "Better give him another couple of units right away." " He's not gonna make it, is he?" " That's not productive thinking." "It's not wrong, but it's not productive." " You sure?" " Sory, Doc." "Nobody from my unit was near that area." " I see." " This guy a friend ofyours?" "Uh, no, not exactly." "I tried to do something for him once." "Thanks." "Hey, Doc." "I just wanted to say good-bye." " Hey, Priore." "Thanks for the lift." " Oh, no." "Thankyou." "Listen." "I know you didn't make it all the way down that rope." "But you sure as hell tried." "I put you in for a medal." "Seeyou at the fishing hole." "[DoorOpens, Closes ]" "I don't believe it." "The colonel wants a giant "Welcome Marilyn" banner in the compound." "And he wants a reviewing stand so she can see the troops." "And then, he wants bunting hung in post-op." "Oh, what a shame." "And the Korean Kresge's just closed for the decade." "I'd be a tad more sympathetic, Charles." "When this rumorwas born, you were one ofthe physicians in attendance." "But now the patient has grown and is doing quite well on its own." "In short, as Aristotle said, "Tough noogies."" "Yeah, well, ty these noogies on for size." "I have so much to do, I'm gonna tell the colonel I need to appoint an assistant-you." "Well, I will disappoint me." "I have no intention ofwasting my time preparing forthe arrival... ofsomeonewho I know is not arriving." "Oh, fine, good." "Then you tell the colonel howyou know she's not arriving." "And he'll tell his friend, general Schwerin... and the general will be delighted to find out who set up this wild goose chase." "The one who made him give up three fun-filled days in Tokyo." "All right, all right.Just how far areyou prepared to continue this sham?" "And without Marilyn Monroe, all you're gonna have is... bunting." "Charles, relax.Just go along with this for a while." "Then I know exactly what I'm gonna do." " What?" " Think ofsomething to do." "Yes, I tried to contact the 8063rd MASH." "The lines are down." "Look, we send "I" Corps casualty reports evey day." "Don't all the other units do the same thing?" "Fine." "Then is it too much to ask thatyou check those casualty reports... to see if anyone meeting that descr" "Thanks a lot, pal." "Ifyou ever need a favor, don't ask." " Colonel?" " Oh, Hunnicutt, come on in." "I was just giving Man-O'" "War a spit shine." "I want Miss Monroe to see him with a glossy coat." "What can I do foryou?" "I was justwondering ifl could take that fishing trip I didn't take today tomorrow?" " What, and miss Marilyn?" " I'm a little more ofa Rita Hayworth man." " I could use the time off." " Oh, what the hey." " Well, you've earned it." " I have?" "Ran intoyour chopper pilot buddywhen he was leaving." "He said you're up for a medal." " Oh, yeah." " He was in kind ofa hury, so I didn't get the details." " What'd you do?" " Nothing I want a medal for." " Oh?" " Can you stop it?" "Well, ifthat's whatyou want, I'll head it off." "Thanks." "Hunnicutt, anything you want to talk about?" " Not right now, Colonel." "Thanks." " I hope you catch a bucketful." "I'll be happy if I catch just one." "How does that look, Captain?" "Oh, terrific." "Today post-op, tomorrow the World Series." "Well, the banner committee is finished with the scroll detail." "Charles, that's not how she spells her name." "It's M-A-R-I-L-Y-N." "I know that, but the private here doesn't know that." "Besides, she's not gonna know the difference anyway." "She's in "show biness."" "I bet the colonel knows how to spell... and I know general Schwerin knows how to spell... including big words, like "dishonorable discharge."" "Pierce, may I" " Hold that." "Pierce, may I seeyou on another part ofthe floor?" "Ifyou don't do something long before general Schwerin gets here... the bunting isn't gonna be the only thing hanging from the reviewing stand." " get it?" " Well, boys, I just pulled offa doozy." "Thanks toyours truly, Miss Monroe will not be greeted a cappella." "I have procured us a bona fide, army-issue six-piece band." "I wonder ifthey know "Don't get Around Much Anymore"?" "Oh, thanks for reminding me." "I have to hunt up the sheet music to "Hooray for Hollywood."" "## [ Humming ]" " Where doyou thinkyou're taking me?" " Hollywood." "Ah, finally, it's ringing." "good old Sparky." "You'll never get past the switchboard." ""Hel-loo." Is this the 20th Centuy Fox film studios?" "It is." "Uh, doyou have a switchboard operator there named Mabel or Mavis?" "Madge." "That's the one, yeah." "Listen, tell her I said hello, will you?" "And whileyou're at it, could you get me Marilyn Monroe, please?" "Thankyou." " She's putting me through." " Well, good old Madge." "Marilyn, hi." "Oh, uh, who is this?" "Miss Panama." "I see." "Uh, I'd like to speak to Marilyn, please." "I'm calling from Korea." "Korea." "Uh, perhaps you're familiarwith ourwar?" "Well, I'm a friend ofhers." "Well, I'm not a friend ofhers." "I'm a friend ofa friend ofhers." "Mr. DiMaggio." "My name?" "Uh, Ted Williams." "Oh, thankyou." "That's vey kind." "Oh, you're from Boston too." "Oh." "Do I ever get to Roxbuy?" "No, no." "I don't get up there too often." "Down!" "Down there." "I don't get" "She's" " What?" "She- She just got back from Russia?" "Oh, rushes!" "Rushes." "Yeah, right." "That's movie talk." "Yeah." "Uh, well-What?" "She's" " Oh." "Well, I'd love to talk to her too." " Unbelievable!" " Uh, pardon me?" "My greatest thrill in sports?" "Well, what can I say?" "Uh" "What can I say?" "I guess I'd have to say my greatest thrill is... you know,just being out there in left field playing foryou great fans." "Center field!" "Right field!" "Hello?" "[ grunts ]" "You idiot!" "I thoughtyou knew all those worthless things." "Now we have to get back on the phone, call general Schwerin... pretend to be Truman, and have him recalled." "I got a better idea." "Hello, Sparky." "get me the Hollywood operator again." "[B.J.] Leg wound." "He'dhave come in within the last 24 hours." "[Man ] We've got three." "I don't get it." "Whyareyou looking for this guy?" " Uh, sort of a follow-up." " Uh, leg wound." " How about this one?" "Adamenko." " Oh, no, that's not the man." "I forgot to tell you, he has dark hair." "Oh." "Well, how about Sergeant Cucuzza?" "Fractured femur." "They brought him in last night." " Yeah, that could be him." " He's a construction engineer." "He was building a munitions shed in Inchon, and he fell offthe roof." "Inchon?" "Unless he fell a long way, he's not my man." "You said you had a third?" "Yeah." "Right over here." "Where's Carey?" "He's being evac'd." "They're putting him on the ambulance now." "Hey!" "[ Whistles ]" "Hold it!" "Hold it, will you." "Hold it a minute." " Carey?" " Hey, what gives?" "Uh, uh, nothing." "I'm sory." "I'm sory." "## [ Celebratoy]" "[ Potter] Ten-hut!" " As you were, fellas." "It ain't her." " ##[Stops ] general, glad you could come down and join us for a little stargazing." "good to seeyou, Sherm." "Where's Marilyn?" "Well, she's not hereyet." "Probably got held up in traffic." "Relax, Charles." "Your head looks like Niagara Falls." " How appropriate." "We are over a barrel." " It's her!" "She's coming!" "Ten-hut!" "Hit it, boys!" "## [ Resumes ]" " At ease." " I thinkyou were expecting someone else." "Hunnicutt, get that thing out ofhere and swing in over there with the fellas." "Cut it, boys." "That ain't her either." "This has to be her!" "One, and a two, and a- Ten-hut!" "##[Resumes ]" "Colonel Potter, H.Q said to get this toyou on the double." " At ease." " ## [ Stops ]" "Well, folks, I hate to put a flat tire on your hayride... but this is a telegram all the way from Hollywood." "Maybeyou'dlike to hearit in its own words." ""Dear MASH 4077." ""Unavoidably detained in rushes." "Stop." ""Filming schedule changed." "Stop." "Am unable to get away." "Stop."" "Oh, shoot." ""Feelheartsick." "Stop." ""Please give big, wet kiss..." ""to doctors who saved my cousin, Whitey." " Stop.'"" " Whitey?" ""Kiss, kiss, love, love, Marilyn."" " "Kiss, kiss, love, love"?" " I wanted it to sound sincere." "[ Schwerin ] Not eveybody is gonna leave here empty-handed." "I brought a special something along to present in front of Miss Monroe... but now she's just gonna have to read about it... in the Stars andStripes like eveyone else." "Captain Hunnicutt, front and center." "You people may not be aware of it, but you have a genuine hero in your midst." "Uh, general, this may not be a good time to" "Oh, there's no time like the present, Sherm." "Captain Hunnicutt, foryour act ofbravey and heroism under fire..." "I am proud to presentyou with the Bronze Star." " [ Potter] Ten-hut!" " ## [ Resumes ]" " Take five, boys!" " ## [ Stops ] good work, son." "At ease." "Dismissed." "Isn't that great?" "They give me a medal for leaving a kid behind... and getting out with my butt in one piece." "It's a lot better than getting it posthumously." "Yeah, well, thanks to my acting bravely and heroically under fire... somebody's gonna be getting a medal posthumously." "Come on." "You don't know ifthat's true." "I sure as hell can't prove it's not." "You didn't have a lot of choices." "Ifyou didn't cut that rope, you'd be dead yourself now." "I would have done it." "You don't know that." "And I hope to god you never have to find out." "We sit around here in our Hawaiian shirts and red suspenders... thumbing our nose at the army... drinking home-brewed gin and flouting authority at evey turn... and feeling, oh, so superior to those militay fools who kill each other... and, oh, so self-righteous when we clean up after them." "Well, good luck toyou, pal." "I hopeyou can... keep it up." "The minute I cut that rope, that made me a soldier." "Pierce!" "We need you in post-op." "Quick!" "I thoughtyou might like to see this." " Sonneborn!" " His pulse is strong... his B.P. is up, he doesn't have a temperature..." " and best of all, he's hungy." " That's fantastic." "What's the big deal?" "You never saw somebody sit up in bed before?" "I'll tell you the truth." "Yesterday, we thought we'd have to fityou for a halo." "Well, I did feel kind ofweak and messed up." "But when I was lying here, I heard eveybody talking about Marilyn Monroe coming." "I said to myself, "Damned ifI'm checking out till I meet her."" "So, uh, where is she?" "Uh" "Yeah, uh" " Corporal Sonneborn?" " That's me." "My name's Hunnicutt." "Dr. Pierce told me aboutyou." "I've got something foryou." "A little souvenir ofyour stay here at MASH by the Sea." "geez, a Bronze Star." "For me?" " It's all yours." "Bronze goes good with green." " Hey, thanks!" "Wait till I show this to my folks." "Hey, Captain?" "Why did I get this?" "What did I do?" "Uh, let's just say it's a little something we giveyou... for getting out with your butt in one piece."