"(knocking) Hello?" "Anyone home?" "Your mat says "Welcome"... unless it's being sarcastic." "If that's the case, it should have quotes around it." "Is this really necessary?" "Trust me, ever since his wife left him, (doorbell rings) he comes over and he won't leave." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "We never should have let this guy in the first time." "It's like when we fed that three-legged dog with the filmy eye, and it kept coming around." "Doesn't anybody hear the...?" "Oh, man." "You guys are jerks." "I got some mail for Donna today." "It was addressed to "occupants," but she would have loved" "(voice breaks) to get half-price carpet cleaning." "It's okay." "(sobbing)" "There, there." "Is he gone?" "♪ Whoo!" "♪" "♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh!" "♪" "(tuning radio)" "♪ ♪" "(gasps)" "What time did Andrew finally leave?" "I don't know." "I fell asleep." "I hope I didn't hurt his feelings." "RADIO ANNOUNCER:" "Do you want to be rich?" "Yes." "Do you want to provide a secure future for your children?" "Yes." "Would you like to tell your boss to take this job and shove it?" "Oh, God, yes." "Then all you need is the next great American invention." "Damn it, there's always a catch!" "Bring your ideas down to the National Invention Convention Extravaganza at the Natesville High School gym this Saturday, where a celebrity judge could make you" "America's next millionaire." "We could never win that." "Why not?" "Regular people come up with great inventions every day." "What if we combine the oven with the toaster into one thing?" "An oven-toaster." "Inventing's for smart people." "Like the guy who put his chocolate in the other guy's peanut butter." "That's not true." "Bill Gates couldn't even finish college, and he invented the computer." "Do you really think we could do this?" "We gotta at least try." "Guys, this could be our one chance at having a better life." "Maybe you're right." "I think we could invent something." "I'm in." "Great." "Everybody put on your thinking caps today and come home with at least one good invention." "What about putting hot food into pockets?" "Pocket-Hots." "Well, cleanup on aisle three is done." "Happy to say mother and new child are doing just fine." "What ya drawing?" "Just my idea for a new invention." "It's a baby mop." "While the baby crawls, it also cleans." "My mom wants us to enter the National Invention Convention Extravaganza this Saturday." "I've always considered myself pretty inventive." "I invented a language that only me and my identical twin knew." "But I haven't spoken to that ugly turd in decades, so maybe I should invent something new." "That'll really fisnad his gleeblok." "Have you thought about making those in different colors?" "I'm gonna do that with my invention." "Different colors." "I call that." "What's your invention?" "I don't know, but it's gonna be different colors." "Different colors, that's a great idea." "I'm gonna, I'm gonna do it." "Thanks." " Really?" " Uh-huh." "Wow." "That's really cool." "What?" "Oh, that you're gonna take my idea." "Wyatt's always working on projects for business school, and every time I try to make a suggestion, he just shoots it down like he's threatened by it or something." "Threatened?" "That's crazy." "That's a weird thing to be." "Not me." "In fact, you want to partner up on this?" "I mean, we'll have to spend a lot of time together working on it..." "Sure." "Yeah, that sounds fun." "You got your pen in my cottage cheese!" "You got your cottage cheese on my pen." "Nope." "Keep thinking." "I know I shouldn't keep shaving with Donna's leg razor, but I miss her, and it makes me feel close to her." "Burt, did you fall asleep on me again?" "I'm sorry." "There's some inventors contest this weekend, and Virginia wants us to "put on our thinking caps"" "and think of an invention." "Come up with anything yet?" "Uh, solar-powered electric jump rope, a pencil that makes your grammar more correcter, man yogurt." "Man yogurt?" "You know, yogurt for men." "All they have now are girly flavors like blueberry or strawberry." "Why not have man flavors like pork chops, stew?" "Interesting." "You could call it "Bro-gurt."" "Bro-gurt!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "I got our million- dollar idea." "Man-flavored yogurt." "Why in the world would anyone want yogurt that tastes like a man?" "No, it's man flavors, like hamburger cheeseburger, but not turkey burger 'cause that'd be girly." "You see how this works?" "And here's the best part." "We call it "Bro-gurt."" "Bro-gurt." "I like it." "A catchy name is half the battle." "That's right up there with Manwich." "See, it's that type of thinking that's gonna get us out of the service business" "And into the business of being served!" "God, you are on a roll!" " (chuckles) On a roll like a Manwich!" " Whoa!" "I've got to tell that Manwich line to Andrew when he comes over." "Andrew?" "No, that twit cannot come over here." "We got work to do." "He's my partner." "He came up with the name Bro-gurt." "Burt, this was for our family to get ahead." "Now Andrew is gonna be an albacore around our necks for the rest of our lives!" "I think I've got a good one." ""The Baby Mop."" "Put it on a baby..." "And the baby crawls your mess away." "I like it." "It's smart, it's simple, and most importantly, no outside partner." "I have a partner." "Sabrina." "No!" "The plan was to go out and come back with an idea!" "Not come back with a person that we have to share our bajillion dollars with." "Dang!" "Am I the only smart person in this house?" "What about a TV channel just for news?" "Wait." "They'll have to fill up too many hours and resort to sensationalizing non-issues and stirring up partisan bickering." "Scratch that idea." "It sucks." "Hello." "Well, hey, good news." "Since Hope doesn't crawl anymore," "Shelley's gonna loan us some babies for the presentation." "That's great, but I have good news, too." "I finally figured out what's missing from the Baby Mop." "The handle to steer it." "Yeah, but the baby's just supposed to clean while it crawls around." "That's the whole point." "But babies are unpredictable, and they might not crawl where you want them to, and... (sighs) Man, you hate it!" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "I'm just letting it soak in." "Uh, a stick." "Yeah, because..." "Yeah, no, a stick!" "It's a great idea, partner." "Thanks." "I'm gonna go see if we have more colors." "Dude, she just jacked up your invention with that handle." "Now it's just a mop that cries." "Yeah, but this invention thing's a long shot anyway." "I'm not gonna argue with her." "That's what Wyatt does, and I'm gonna do the opposite." "The opposite of the guy" " she has sex with." " Good strategy." "Anyway, doesn't matter because your baby mop has no chance of winning against my "shoemerang."" "A shoe that will return to you no matter where you throw it." "(shoe clatters in distance)" "I'm still working on ideas." "(blender whirring)" "Mmm." "That has to be the best scotch-and-cigar-flavored yogurt ever made!" "I know, right?" "Bro-gurt is just the beginning." "If this goes well, we can invent all sorts of products just for men." "Yeah." "Why should women get to invent everything?" "Exactly." "We can make pork-sicles." "We can make soap that smells like bacon." "Tampons for our butts!" "What?" "I don't know." "I'm just pitching." "You losers can quit chopping meat." "I've got the winning invention." "What does the average American family spend $130 a year on?" "Deodorant." "But that'll all stop once they buy..." "Pit-stops!" "The world's first reusable underarm protection." "Ooh, that's good." "If this goes well, you're gonna grow up wearing name-brand clothes and get braces." "How ya doing, Natesville inventors?" "(gasps) Sorry I couldn't be there with you in person, but I got a lot of Hollywood projects, and these jackets don't cut the sleeves off themselves." "Still got it." "But I'm still able to be there with you because of the technology of the video chat, which somebody invented." "You've come in here today as regular, average citizens, but one of you may leave here as wealthy as me." "So good luck to you." "Registration starts in five minutes." "Please follow the yellow carpet to the sign-up tables outside." "See ya then." "Andrew Dice Clay, oh, my God!" "I love him!" "His cassette's been stuck in my car radio, like, ten years." "(spits, squawks)" "Okay, the basic entry fee is $20." "For a little bit extra, we offer patent-pending date-stamping." "This stops other people from stealing your idea." "It's too bad this wasn't around when Bill Johnson invented the lightbulb." "I thought Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb." "And that's why you need the date stamp." "I'll take it." "You think we should get that?" "Burt, I didn't know we had to pitch this to a celebrity." "I don't think I can do this." "Okay, fine." "I'll do all the talking." "You got to settle down." "Go over to the glow-in-the-dark ice-cream guy." "Maybe he's got a napkin you can dry your eyes with." "Okay, now I hate to be pushy, but I cannot recommend any higher the invention checklist." "I mean, the first thing on the list is "Buy the invention checklist."" "I'll take it." "Hey, good idea sending him over there." "Now let's win this thing before he gets back." "What has happened to you?" "You sound so heartless." "I am heartless where a billion dollars is concerned." "Burt, people only give to charity after they have money." "You think Oprah was building orphanages in Africa when she was poor?" "She wasn't." "She was smoking crack in Baltimore." "Why do you hate Oprah so much?" "Why do you always defend her?" "Okay, your total comes to $87." "We are going to be so rich." "Knock, knock." "I like where this is going." "Who's there?" "Orange." "Orange who?" "Orange you glad someone invented a new color of traffic cone?" "The formal traffic cone for black-tie events." "Hey, hammerhead, black-tie events are at night." "Drivers can't see those cones." "What's wrong with you?" "Shoemerang!" "Next." "If there's two things I love in this world, it's produce and skin care." "And this is where my two loves meet." "An avocado face mask which you keep on for 15 minutes, and then..." "Mmm..." "Mmm." "Eat the years off your face with Face-amole." "All right, face cream you could eat." "I've eaten worse things than that." "Oh!" "Let's talk numbers." "How much dough does each jar cost to make?" "Oh, avocados are 30 cents apiece wholesale." "Two avocadoes per jar, 40 cents for the jar." "So each unit costs one dollar." "Man, I didn't know he was going to ask us how much stuff costs." "I can't do math in my head." "Here's some paper." "I can't do math on paper." "I'm going to run home and get our receipts and a calculator." "Hey, grab me some perfume." "These Pit-stops are good at absorbing sweat, but they're doing nothing for the stink." "Hey, Jimmy, here's your babies." "I hope we go early." "I'm technically not supposed to take them away from the day care center." "Hey, where's the the handle?" "Oh, man." "I bet the janitor stole it." "He was probably afraid the babies were going to take his job." "Oh, but not with the stick." "No, he'd still have to push the stick." "I'll go talk to him." "Yeah, and there are 12 other janitors that work here, so if the first one doesn't know what you're talking about, just keep looking." "SHELLEY: ♪ If you've got some milk that you dropped ♪" "♪ Clean-up's a breeze with the Baby Mop. ♪" "If there are two things in life you can always count on, it's that things will spill... and babies will crawl." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Not only is there no reason to cry over spilled milk, there's no reason to cry over spilled wine." "♪ If your husband's a drunk and he just won't stop ♪" "♪ You're the kind of mom that needs a Baby Mop ♪" "♪ Baby Mop turns a baby into a cleaning machine ♪" "♪ If she's got the time to crawl ♪" "♪ Then she's got the time to clean. ♪" "Hey, I went to the store, and I got a new mop handle." "We've already started the presentation." "That's okay." "Just start over." "Here you go." "Just go ahead." "Nope, no, enough with the stupid stick." " What?" "You told me that you liked it." " I lied." " And now it's just a mop that cries." " Oh, really?" "Well, why don't we ask Andrew Dice Clay what he thinks." "Do you think the handle is stupid?" "Of course it's stupid, but don't worry about it, sweetheart." "You're pretty." "Nobody expects you to be smart." "Look, I'm sorry." "I didn't want this stick to cost me and Hope a shot at a billion dollars." "So you patronize me?" " What does that word mean?" " It means you're acting like a jerk." "I think you're confusing being a jerk with being right." "Oh!" "Well, if you're not going to use the mop handle," "I got a pretty good idea where you can shove it." "♪ Baby Mop. ♪" "BURT:" "Receipts and calculator!" "Got it, got it, got it!" "Got it." "I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it." "Stupid, stupid..." "(phone ringing)" "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!" "(line ringing)" "You're right, the reception is great, but my partner's not answering. (groans)" "Do you have a really bad headache?" "My underarms are bone dry." "That's because I'm wearing..." "Pit-stops!" "Stopping your day from being the pits." "So if I have two rubber bands and two sponges in my house, and I do, why would I buy your product?" "They come in children's sizes, too." "Next." "That brings us to..." "Bro-gurt." "Would the inventors of Bro-gurt get up here?" "Bro-gurt?" "All right, then, moving on." "For the fifth time, I'd like to call up the inventor of the total-noise- cancellation headphones." "The total-noise-cancellation headphones." "Excuse me, sir." "I was wondering if I could pitch to Mr. Clay now." "I'm, I'm sorry." "All the presentations are done." "The Dice Man is making his decision as we speak." "I am such a loser." "I was too afraid to step up for my friend Burt, and now the world will never get to taste his man yogurt." "There, there." "What happened?" "Am I too late?" "I'm sorry, Burt." "I wanted to go up when they kept calling our name, but every time I stood up," "I started to poop a little and had to sit back down." "And we should have made those butt tampons." "It's not your fault." "If I had half a brain, I would have known to come prepared." "I'm just glad I get to take these off." "I'm starting to lose feeling in my arms." "Attention, everyone." "Listen to me over here." "In a way, you're all winners, 'cause you got to spend the day with the Dice Man." "But that's the only way, because I didn't hear anything today that was worthy of my celebrity to endorse." "So, there is no winner." "So I guess you could say, you rolled the craps with the Dice Man." "Uh, excuse me, Mr. Dice Clay." "My partner never got a chance to pitch his idea." "You're out of luck, pal." "Hickory dickory dock, you ran out of time on the clock." "Oh!" "I know, but he was gone, and I was just too intimidated to step in for him." "And anyway, he's back now..." "Hey, ding dong, what part of "no" don't you understand?" "You want me to say it in different languages?" "Spanish... "no." French... "no."" "Portuguese... "no."" "No!" "No!" "I'm tired of giving up." "I didn't get into the college I wanted and so I gave up." "My wife left me and I gave up." "Well, I can't do it this time, because this time I didn't just mess up my own life." "This was my friend's chance to get ahead." "My only friend." "And it's a great idea." "And we are not leaving until you hear about it and hopefully validate our parking." "Who do you think you're talking to, huh?" "I'm the Dice Man." "I got my name on my shirt." "There ain't a dry cleaner in Brooklyn don't got my picture on their wall." "Get out of here." "You got that, pal?" "You understand me now, huh?" "So let's get stepping towards the door." "(gasps)" "Oh!" "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." "VIRGINIA:" "This is a scam." "Andrew Dice Clay didn't turn us down, you did." "You are a very bad man." "Yeah." "I bet you don't even know anything about inventing products." "That's not true." "I mean, I invented this... this digital video motion-capture technology." "But I didn't know anything about patent law, and it turns out James Cameron had invented it first." "That kid from Growing Pains?" "I always thought he was smart." "The point I'm trying to make is that" "I thought I'd wasted a lot of time and money on this, and then I found an innovative way to make money with it." "Yeah, by scamming us out of our savings and giving us nothing in return." "Now, listen, listen, easy, easy." "Okay, Burt?" "Burt, okay, I wouldn't say you didn't get anything out of this." "I mean, I heard Andrew say that you thought you weren't smart." "I mean, you came up with the idea for..." "It's yogurt that comes in flavors for men." "That is a truly original idea." "Do you know what it takes to come up with an original idea?" "It takes a brain." "Yeah." "I guess it does." "Virginia, after Burt comforted Andrew," "I heard Burt tell you that you had no heart." "And you agreed with him?" "But then later, when Andrew needed comforting and Burt wasn't around, you opened your arms and you opened your heart." "Yeah, I do have a heart." "It's just that Burt's is so big," "I never have a chance to use mine." "And Andrew, you told Burt that you were too afraid to even talk to Andrew Dice Clay." "And yet later, you summoned the courage to not only talk to Andrew Dice Clay, you yelled at Andrew Dice Clay." "It wasn't Andrew Dice Clay, it was you." "But you didn't know that." "JIMMY:" "Is anybody else creeped out by how many conversations this guy eavesdrops on?" "Hey, what about Jimmy?" "Yeah." "What did Jimmy get out of this?" "I'll tell you what I got." "I got in a huge fight with Sabrina." "Now I just want to go home." "And you can go home." "All of you could have gone home any time you wanted." "MAW MAW:" "My icecream!" "It's melting!" "It's melting!" "Are you still mad at Jimmy about what happened today?" "No." "Actually, the more I think about it," "I kind of really liked seeing him blow up like that." " I know." "It really was kind of..." " Hot, right?" "You know, I'm kind of glad I got in that fight with Sabrina." "I had her on such a pedestal." " I'm glad you're finally over her." " Oh, no, I still like her." "But seeing how crazy she got kind of humanized her a bit." "Which is good." "Takes her down a few pegs." "Hey, that Wizard of Oz movie's coming on." "Should we try watching it again?" "See if we can get past the first ten minutes?" "I just don't see the point of buying a color TV to watch a black-and-white movie." "Plus Hope only likes movies with singing and dancing and monkeys." "She'd hate it." "It doesn't matter." "I'll find something else." "I'm just happy to be home." "There's no place like home."