"You've seen the executive offices, the advertising offices, lunchroom." "We have now come to the sanctum sanctorum: my studio." " You recognise that handsome rogue?" " Wow!" "Your head photographs even bigger than it is." "Very droll (!" ")" "We in the radio game call this "the booth"." "It's here that I help the emotionally distraught through their troubled lives." "Mmm." "Suppose this stuff's bulletproof?" "You could have gone home after lunch." "I thought you'd enjoy this." "Don't touch!" "It's sophisticated equipment." " What is it?" " I have no idea." "Roz said not to touch it." " The usual procedure is..." " Testing, testing..." "Dad, let's go into Roz's booth." "You can touch anything in there." "Hey, Frasier." "Hi, Mr Crane." "What brings you here?" "He's gonna listen to the show." "When Frasier was a kid, I'd take him to the police station where I worked." "Yes, he used to make a game of locking us in a cell and pretending to lose the key." " I knew they weren't scared." " We weren't." "But after a while became quite hungry." " Frasier, can you lend me ten bucks?" " Did you forget your wallet?" "No, I gave my last money to this poor guy in front of the building." "He's an Australian tourist who just needed ten dollars..." " For a cab to the consulate?" " How did you know?" "There is no Australian consulate in Seattle." "Oh, that poor guy." "Roz, he scammed you." "No, this guy was for real." "He even said..." ""Give me your address." "I'll send the money back with interest."" "God..." " I'm an idiot." " No, don't feel bad." "These guys are professionals." "(Shouts) Don't touch that!" "What is this place?" "A radio station or a nuclear missile site?" "Don't feel bad." "I was a cop for 30 years, and they still fake me out occasionally." " These guys know what to do." " Especially with easy marks like Roz." "The criminal mind is complex." "They can fool you." "Oh, lecture me on the complexities of the human mind." "I graduated in psychosocial behaviour." "I know, I was at your graduation - a car backfired and half of them wet their gowns." "It sounded louder on the dais." "Well, I wouldn't have been fooled." "Oh, you think you can spot a crook just like that?" " If I can't, I'm in the wrong business." " You want to bet on that?" " Oh, what do you mean?" " It's poker night tonight." "Two of the players are cops, the third one's done time." "Five bucks says you can't tell the ex-con." " Can I get in on the action?" " Of course." "Great." "Ten bucks on your dad." "You're itching to give your money away." "You're on, but you're underestimating me." "What troubles are to pigs so are these charlatans to my mental acuity!" "We didn't know better back then." "His mother smoked during pregnancy." "Who are these people coming over tonight?" "Dad's old friends from the precinct." "Someone should have been cleaned up because someone hasn't been smelling so fresh lately." "Because someone is long overdue for a tub." "I've had a shower." "Eddie is long overdue for a ba..." " Don't say that word." " What word?" "B-A-T-H." "His yawns may smell like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving." "(Doorbell)" "I've made meatball sandwiches, pepperoni pizzas and sausage rolls." "Will you need anything else?" "The number of the nearest gastroenterologist." "Hey, come in." "These are my poker pals." "Linda, Frank and Jimmy." "This is my son, Frasier." "Linda, Frank, Jimmy, nice to meet you." "Throw your coats on the couch." "Hard to tell, isn't it?" "They all look like they did time!" "My dad tells me, he's filled you in on our little bet." "I'm not allowed to ask any questions about your line of work, but whatever questions I do ask you must answer truthfully." " I just want to play cards." " Great place you got, Marty." " Thanks." " Actually, it's mine." "Your radio show must do well." " Is this about 2,000 square feet?" " Yeah, about." "Hm, that's interesting." "You noticed the space." "Most people mention the view or high ceilings, but you mentioned the space." "It's almost as if you'd spent time living in a cramped, confining area." "You've been to Jimmy's apartment, huh?" " Hello, there." " Hi, Daphne." "This is Daphne Moon." "These are my friends." "Linda, Frank, Jimmy." "Daphne - pretty name." "Do people call you Daffy?" "Not twice." "It's nice to meet all of you." "I've got beers for everyone." " Still drinking Ballantine's, I see." " When you kick off, they'll go bust." "Often, I come home and see cans lined up, one after another like little tin soldiers..." "Thanks." "Don't you have a dog to wash?" "Well, I suppose I do." "Of course I have to catch the bugger first." " Maybe one of these would help." " Beer's not good for dogs." "No, but it's super for me." " She's pretty nice." " Sexy, too, you dirty old man." " Oh..." " Interesting." "You find her attractive, do you?" "Sure." "Don't you?" "Yes, but attraction to one's own sex is a not uncommon result of long periods of time spent exclusively in their company." " I may have underestimated you." " Really?" "Yeah, you're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought." "High card deals." "We could use some music." "Anybody play the harmonica?" "All right, my deal." "Dollar ante to start." "Five-card draw." " Three-raise maximum." " You sure you won't play?" "Oh, no, no." "I'll just observe the triumvirate." "I will use my considerable education and not to mention..." "Well, all right, let's say it - my God-given gift to intuit." "This is the kid who used to get his head flushed in the toilet, right?" " All right, I call." "What you got?" " Full boat, aces up." "Damn it, that's another one." "I'm losing my shirt here." "Would somebody help me with the coffee?" " I will." " OK." " I like your accent, you're from?" " Manchester." " Where the Beatles are from, right?" " Oh, no." "That's Liverpool." " Who's from Manchester?" " No one." "That's why I live here now." "You've been awfully quiet." " Sorry, just observing." " No, don't apologise." "It was a compliment." "Frank's an interesting study." "Temper, loner, bit unsocial." "Almost stereotypical of a man who spent his entire life behind bars." "This dish a Lalique or a Steuben?" "They had no spots in the laundry." "He worked in fine china and glasswares." "Here you go, big winner." "Buy yourself something pretty and frilly." "Sorry, Frank, I can't hear you." "I've got your money stuck in my ears." "I guess there's only one thing left." "How about it?" "Figured it out yet?" "I believe I have." "Shall we step into the drawing room?" "Please have a seat." "OK, Sherlock, you got centre stage." "I have sketched an accurate psychological profile of you all, and have come to the incontrovertible conclusion that the criminal among us can only be..." "..." "Frank!" " Wrong." "Frank's an undercover cop." "Exactly!" "Just a little too obvious." "The broken vocabulary, jailhouse pallor," " the underdeveloped social skills..." " Hey!" "You used psychology, threw a gender-bender at me, thinking I would assume a felon would be a man." "Well, I'm on to you, mister." "The criminal is the very wily Linda!" " Nope." " Jimmy!" " You're right." " Damn..." " But you seem like such a nice guy." " I am a nice guy." "He was voted most congenial in his cell block." " Sorry." "You owe your dad five bucks." " I'm afraid I do." "Oh." "You could probably use this." "It's been a lot of laughs, but it's late." "We better get going." " Yeah, thanks, Marty." " Yeah, it was great." "You all come again anytime you like." "Hopefully, when we're here, of course." " Good night." " See you." "Next week." "Jimmy." "Who'd have thought?" "How do you even know that guy?" "He was a jailhouse snitch." "He helped us." "I wouldn't trust him if he wasn't surrounded by cops." " Who was a snitch?" " Jimmy." " Jimmy's an ex-con?" " You proved your point." "I feel stupid as hell." " I feel a fool myself." " Why would you care?" "I've agreed to go out with Jimmy tomorrow night." " What?" " He asked if I'd like to go for drinks at the Topaz Room." "It sounded harmless." "It's out of the question!" "Cancel!" "You said yourself he was fun to spend time with." "I said do time with." "No, no." "You can't go." "Case closed." "Forget that police mentality." "Don't you believe in second chances?" "I did, then we had Niles." "When a man has paid his debt to society, he deserves a fresh start." " She's not going." " She is!" " She isn't!" " She is!" "Excuse me." "Might I interject one tiny thought into this conversation?" "Belt up, both of you!" "It may have escaped your notice, but I'm a grown woman." "Nobody has told me whom to date since school." "And I didn't listen then." "Now, when I've decided what I'll do about Jimmy, I'll let you know." "I'm going to my room!" "You two hens have wasted enough of my time." "That would have been a very dramatic exit, if only her room was down that hall." "She shouldn't go out with that guy." " She won't." " How do you know?" "She won't go against your wishes if I'm any judge of character." "Oh, dear God." "What can I get you?" " I'll have a decaf latte with skim milk." " I'll have the same." "Got it." "Two gutless wonders!" "Thank you!" "Certainly playing fast and loose with tips for a man who drives a van." "Oh!" "How was your encounter with Dad's poker buddies last night?" "The picture of you trying to converse with Dad's cronies is priceless." "When I told Maris, it was all she could do to keep her eyes from dancing." "It was rather interesting." "One of them did time in prison for fraud." " Good lord!" "What was he like?" " Quite personable." " Dad's so judgemental." " He is, and I've often condemned him for it." "Just because the man was in prison he seems to be marked for life." "Ridiculous." "Not all criminals are recidivists." "Many have gone on to lead productive lives." "Dad's just being narrow-minded." "I almost had to sedate him when Daphne said she was going out with him." "(Laughs)" "I hope you're just yanking my giggle chain." "What do you mean?" "You're letting this delicate English rose be sullied by some sociopath?" "Oh..." "Niles, he passed bad cheques." " He's no sociopath." " This degenerate should be put away." " You haven't even met him." " They're all depraved animals!" " Here's your coffee." "Anything else?" " Yes, the cheque, quickly!" " We've got to rescue her." " Just sit down." " You're being irrational." " Don't call me irrational!" "You know that makes me crazy!" "Now, Niles, Jimmy's a nice guy." "And Daphne can take care of herself." "I don't care." "I'm not without resources." "My tae kwon do instructor says," "I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening." "Niles, just listen to me." "She'll resent any interference." "Go and make a fool of yourself, but I won't." " Fine." "Tell me where they went." " The, er, Topaz Room." "I thought the cops shut it down after the last shooting." "I'll drive!" "Your shot, girlie." "Why don't we make this more interesting?" "All you have to do to win is run those last five balls." " Let's double our bet." " Oh, well, I might as well." "I never really have understood this game." "I never understood it when I first played it with my older brothers at the age of six." "And I never understood it during my formative years, spent mostly in the pool halls of Manchester." "I played in local competitions and club tournaments winning cup after cup, until our poor dad had to convert the pantry into a trophy room." "I can't claim to understand it - eight ball in far corner - even today." "But I certainly do enjoy it." "Thank you, gentlemen." "And now, if you'll excuse me," "I'm going to try to use the ladies' room without touching anything." "Look at this place!" "I've never felt so conspicuous in my life." "We'll simply try to blend in." "Fortunately..." "Fortunately, I haven't shaved for hours." "You should loosen your tie." " Try tucking in your watch fob." " That's a Phi Beta Kappa key." "Oh, then by all means let it dangle." "Perhaps they have a local chapter." "Actually, this is quite stimulating in a lower-depths way." "I'm something of a squalor buff." "The only problem is I don't see Daphne or Jimmy." "(Clears his throat)" "Excuse me." "Has a young woman been here - approximately 5ft 9¾, skin the colour of Devonshire cream and eyes that gaze into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?" "This would be an Englishwoman named Daphne." "Oh, the one that came in with Jimmy." "She was shooting pool." " She's in the back." " What happened to Jimmy?" "He tried to get fresh with her." "She threw a hammerlock, ran him out." " That babe can take care of herself." " I told you so." "Guy was no good." "I knew it the first time I saw him." "You can always tell." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You've had your walk on the wild side." "Let's go." " What about Daphne?" " You heard what she did." " She'll be mad if she finds us here." " Let's make ourselves scarce." "Good lord, there she is." " Oh, I'm sorry." " What the hell are you doing?" " I'm sorry..." " You made me miss that shot." " I'm sorry." " I had 200 bucks on that shot." "REALLY sorry." " Where are you going?" " I'll be back." "I'll just put another quarter in the meter." "The meters don't run at night and neither do you." "An amusing play on words!" "A regular George S Kaufman." "We must tell our friends about this place." " You owe me $200." " I don't have that kind of cash on me." "It would be absurd to bring it into a place like this with the kind of element..." " Maybe I could write you a cheque?" " My element don't take cheques." "Maybe we should take these guys outside and wise them up." "Oh, that's not necessary..." " Goodness!" "What are you doing here?" " We might ask you the same thing." "This is one of our favourite haunts." "Actually, Maris and I had our rehearsal dinner here." "It was different then." "It was more of a garden room..." "Shut up, Niles." " You followed me, didn't you?" " We were worried." "Excuse me, it seems your friends can't pay the 200 they owe, so I'll have to - pardon my French - beat the crap out of them." "I'm a psychiatrist." "Maybe we could take this out in sessions." " Outside!" " Wait!" "I have money." "Would you like to go for double or nothing?" " On what?" " Well, you look like a betting man." "I'll wager I can sink these five balls with a single shot." "If I do, these boys are square." "If I miss, you double your money." "I'll take your money, but I was looking forward to pulping this guy." "Yeah, well, we won't quibble." "If I miss, you can pulp him." "I'm feeling generous tonight." " I'll throw in the little one too." " "Throw in the little one"?" "And what in God's name is pulping?" "You're on." "OK, just to make sure this is on the up-and-up, let's use six balls." "Instead of sinking all five with one shot, how about sinking all six?" "Do that and I'll forget the 200 bucks." "Fair enough." "Need a bit of chalk for me cue." "Does it matter in what order I make them?" "Daphne!" "Hey, lady, if you make any of them, it'll be a miracle." "Right." "Well..." "Here goes nothing." "Run for it!" "(Laughs)" "# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# Quite stylish" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe...but I got you pegged!" "# But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# They're calling again" "# Scrambled eggs all over my face What is a boy to do?" "#" "Good night, everybody!"