"(children singing "Deck the Halls")" "La, la-la, la, la, la, la, la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la" "Yay!" "Whoa, Daddy!" "La, la-la, la, la, la, la, la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la." "(siren wailing)" "(indistinct police radio communication)" "OFFICER:" "Okay, follow me!" "What's the story?" "The bomber's on the roof!" "Get him surrounded." "There!" "Uh, nothing." "Okay, what do we got?" "I got him!" "I finally nailed him." "(sighs)" "That ain't the bomber!" "(siren wailing nearby)" "Get him out of here." "(theme music playing)" "REPORTER:" "Good morning." "It's Christmas Eve day here in Chicago." "Time to hang that mistletoe and hit those stores." "The temperature stands at a chilly 33 degrees, but forecasters are calling for things to warm up for Santa's arrival tonight." "In the news today, police continue their search for the elusive Teddy Bear Bomber, who has terrorized Chicago for almost three weeks." "(knock at door) Yeah." "CHUCK:" "Hey, buddy!" "Merry Christmas!" "What's that?" "It's a tree." "You call that a tree?" "I bought it for you." "You bought that?" "Well, it fell off a truck." "I'm touched." "I knew you would be." "Wow, I see you've gone all out with the holiday trimmings." "Looks very festive in here." "Very decorative." "Thank you." "I haven't exactly had much time to do things." "I see." "You're in denial." "It's understandable." "How's that?" "Well, it's your first Christmas alone, divorced, living on top of a hotel, no social life." "(inhales sharply) Must be rough." "Thank you very much for reminding me of that, Chuck." "Fortunately, I have a cure for your nagging mid-winter blues." "Oh, yeah?" "What's that?" "Ta-da." "Lift tickets to Wind Dance, buddy." "You got ski tickets?" "You and me out on the slopes Christmas Eve, couple of babes in stretch pants." "I got my car back;" "It's waiting down stairs." "Let's go!" "Pack a bag!" "You got ski tickets?" "Yep." "Gare?" "Gare?" "I can't go." "Why not?" "What do you mean, "Why not?"" "I can't go..." "(cat meows)" "(paper thuds against door)" "(cat meows)" "Come on, Gare, one night out of town." "What is the big deal?" "What's the big deal?" "You know what the big is." "I'm stuck with this..." "(waitress clears throat)" "People need help on the holidays." "This holiday, I'm stuck serving up the help." "Not if you're not there to do it, right?" "I had an uncle who killed himself on Christmas." "Really?" "Well, was he depressed?" "No." "Just stuck his fork in the toaster." "(sighs)" "All I'm saying is, Gare, you have the right enjoy yourself." "Everyone does." "Uh-huh." "What are you doing tonight?" "Waiting for Santa." "Santa?" "Yeah." "Why?" "So you actually believe in Santa Claus?" "In theory at least." "In theory, you believe that there's some fat guy in a red suit who flies around on a sled and hangs out with a bunch of elves." "Yeah, Mr. Grinch." "And what do you believe in?" "Presents." "I'll come back later." "Thanks, Gidget." "Listen, Gary, are you gonna go with me or not?" "Come on." "The world can take of itself for a day." "I don't think I'm gonna make it." "GARY:" "An explosive device hidden inside a child's toy teddy bear detonated today at Bicentennial Skating Rink in downtown Chicago." "(people shouting)" "Medic over here!" "Move it!" "The explosion, which occurred at 10:45 in the morning, killed 20 holiday skaters and injured 50 more." "(garbled radio transmission)" "Police revealed that the bomber left a note in the wreckage, but officials refused to divulge the contents." "Now he's gonna become a murderer." "I'm gonna need your help, Chuck." "Fine." "Fine." "You save the world." "Me?" "I'm going skiing." "And do what?" "Chase around a bunch of bunnies?" "You got it." "Uh-huh." "Look, this is too big." "I'm going to need some help." "I'm telling you..." "Qualified help." "Yeah?" "And where are you going to get that?" "I almost hate to say it." "Say it anyway." "Well, sir..." "No, no, I don't want to hear it!" "All I want to know is who is this guy?" "!" "Three weeks on this case, he's running us ragged." "The mayor wants action." "Teddy bears, my butt." "Go on!" "Get out of here." "Sir?" "What is it?" "The mayor's on the phone..." "again." "Tell him I'm dead!" "Yes, sir." "And, um, there's someone to see you." "What kind of someone?" "He says he knows things about the bomber." "Oh, of course he does." "Everybody knows things about this bomber except me." "Tell him to beat it." "He also says he knows you." "Me?" "What's his name?" "Hobson." "Remember me?" "Oh, no." "Merry Christmas!" "Nice beard." "Polyester?" "Merry Christmas!" "Hey, Santa, get yourself a real job, huh?" "Up yours, Scrooge." "Merry Christmas!" "Thank you very much." "(humming)" "Merry Christmas!" "Merry Christmas!" "Excuse me." "Is this your vehicle?" "Yes, it is." "Nice." "Thank you." "I'm going skiing." "I don't think so." "Excuse me?" "You're coming downtown with us." "Scofflaw violation." "We're impounding your car." "(horn beeping)" "(tires screech lightly)" "A bomb?" "In the skating rink?" "Yes, sir." "This morning?" "That's right. 10:45." "But it hasn't happened yet?" "No." "But it's going to, you're sure?" "Yes." "And you know this because...?" "Well, I'd rather not say." "Rather not say, because if you did," "You wouldn't believe me." "I wouldn't believe you." "Who put you up to this anyway?" "What?" "Is this some guy with a sick sense of humor, some, some comedy guy?" "No." "Look, I'm telling you the truth here." "Oh, sure you are." "Like all the other 87 hot tips we got today, huh?" "No." "Look, this one is real." "People are gonna die." "I'm just trying to help you here." "Of course you are." "This is flat." "Look, do me a favor." "Go help somebody else, huh?" "Get him out of here." "Look, this is gonna happen." "Today, Crumb." "He's gonna leave a note." "Did you say a note?" "Okay, talk." "About what?" "About the note." "Where is it?" "What's it like?" "Wh-What's it say?" "Look, I don't know." "All I know is that it's found in the wreckage." "Oh, like these were?" "No one, not even the press knew about these." "We're keeping it a secret." "Now, who told you?" "I can't tell you." "Eight of these in three weeks, all addressed to me." ""Ha-ha-ha." "Fooled you."" "This guy's giving me headache." "Look, I'm sorry about that, but what do you want me to do?" "You're sorry?" "What about me?" "This is Christmas Eve." "I should be home with my kids." "Instead, I'm sitting around with some guy who thinks he's The Amazing Kreskin." "And what's worse," "I'm even starting to believe him." "Now, is that nuts?" "Don't answer that." "The Bicentennial Skating Rink in less than an hour?" "Yeah." "No." "We're staying here." "Sir, mayor's calling again." "I want bomb squad and S.W.A.T. and lots of communication." "And warn the locals that we're coming it in, but keep it quiet." "I don't want to cause a panic." "Excuse me." "Shouldn't you evacuate the rink over there?" "On what grounds?" "A little birdie told me?" "A little birdie?" "Look, people get cranky when you shut down their business on a hunch." "Show me a bomb, and then we'll talk." "Me?" "I don't know where the bomb is." "I don't know exactly where it is, but..." "Fine." "Come on along for the ride." "We'll have a lot of fun." "Oh, no, no, no." "Listen, Charlie..." "Gary." "It's Gary." "Whomever." "You're not walking until I find this S.Jo.." "B." "You want to guess why?" "Because it might be me." "Bingo." "It might be you." "Get in the car." "(indistinct police radio communication)" "Shouldn't you be solving murders or prosecuting drug dealers or something?" "This way." "This is ridiculous." "Who's this?" "Fishman, Charles." "Chuck, as my good friend the congressman calls me." "Which congressman?" "All of them." "Look, Sergeant, there's obviously been some sort of mistake here." "These Nazis took my car." "Now, I am willing to overlook this..." "What's he in for?" "Parking tickets." "(chuckles)" "See what I mean?" "Parking tickets." "How many?" "106." "(whistles)" "Okay, so I park a lot." "It's a big city." "It happens." "You know, mail, schedules..." "I've been so busy lately, as I'm sure you have." "To tell you the truth..." "I thought I already paid." "So just what tell me what the fine is," "I'll pay it, and I'll be gone." "Too late for that." "Okay, then bail." "How much is bail?" "A couple of hundred?" "A grand?" "I'll write you a check right now, okay?" "And then next week, after I'm off the slopes..." "That's up to the judge." "Judge?" "Where?" "Court convenes early Thursday morning." "That's the day after tomorrow." "What is this, some sort of joke?" "A little Yuletide humor?" "Think of it as your personal manger." "You can't do this." "This isn't Bolivia!" "I'll call Johnny Cochran!" "Oh, great." "This is just perfect." "MAN:" "Think you got problems?" "I'm late for work." "Yeah?" "And who are you?" "Santa Claus." "(children singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas")" "Okay, this is it." "How much time we got?" "15 minutes." "Maybe less." "Are you sure you don't want to change your story?" "No, this is going to happen." "Trust me." "Yeah, I was afraid of that." "Look, Crumb, can't we get these people out of here just to be on the safe side?" "You like skating?" "Huh?" "They like skating." "They came here to skate." "Let's take a look around first, okay?" "Yeah, well, you better look fast." "Oh, boy." "Oh, boy." "Hey, Aunt Marge?" "It's me, Chuck Fishman." "How are you?" "Your nephew, remember?" "Yeah." "Hey, merry Christmas." "Yeah, that's right, the scrawny one." "Listen, Aunt Marge, um, I'm in a bit of a spot here, and..." "No, no, no." "I'm not coming to visit." "Uh-huh." "I'm in jail, and I've called everyone" "I know and... (dial tone) Hello?" "Marge?" "Cut off?" "Hung up." "She's like that." "Who?" "Marge." "You know my aunt?" "Oh, I know everyone." "Been to the house." "Oh, that's right, because you're, uh..." "Uh-huh." "Hey, can someone get in here?" "!" "I'd like to make a complaint!" "Sergeant?" "His name's Eddie." "Used to call him "Stinker"" "when he was eight..." "don't bring it up." "He's sensitive." "Hello?" "!" "Problem here?" "Yeah, I got a problem." "When do I get out of rattrap?" "Once we run through your files." "The computer's down right now." "Well, get it back up." "Have a little patience." "It's Christmas Eve." "Give me that cellular phone." "This is a jail." "Hey, hey, hey." "(whispering):" "What's with this guy?" "Breaking and entering." "We picked him up on a rooftop trying to sneak down a chimney." "Meant to clean the whole place out." "It's not how it looked." "Look, I don't want to seem pushy, but I need to be going." "See, my sleigh's due pick me up in a half hour in the park." "And then where, the North Pole?" "Oh, Thailand." "You know how it is." "Once you behind on a gig like this..." "Fruitcake." "Well, a lot of kids are going to be disappointed." "You really believe this, don't you?" "Well, don't you?" "I think you're out of your mind." "Then you're going to get a lump of coal." "Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle..." "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling" "Ring-ting-tingling..." "Anything yet?" "No sign of it anywhere." "Did you check the lockers?" "Doing it now." "Well?" "We just got to keep looking." "It's got to be somewhere." "Of course it is." "Unless, of course, it ain't." "What does that mean?" "Meaning maybe it's here, maybe it's not." "Maybe it's on the moon." "Maybe you're the bomber." "Or maybe I'm just out of my mind." "Well, that's a good possibility." "Let me tell..." "Nothing." "All right, we're out of here." "You have some explaining to do." "What are you talking about?" "You can't leave." "Try me." "Look, people are going to die, Crumb." "Yeah, me from frostbite if I don't out of..." "What are you...?" "Crumb, the bear." "(laughs)" "My God." "Don't touch it..." "it's a bomb." "Did I say that?" "Everybody get off the ice!" "Get off the ice." "Don't panic!" "Get off the ice." "Everybody off the ice!" "Hey, little girl." "Come on, let me see your bear, huh?" "Huh?" "That's it." "Get off the ice!" "We'll be singing songs we love to sing" "Without a single stop" "At the fireplace while we watch the chestnuts pop" "Pop!" "Pop!" "Pop!" "There's a happy feeling" "Nothing in the world can buy" "When they pass around the coffee" "And the pumpkin pie" "It'll nearly be like a picture print" "By Currier and Ives" "All these wonderful things" "Are the things we remember all through our lives" "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling" "Ring-ting-tingling too" "Come on, it's lovely weather" "For a sleigh ride together with you What's going on here?" "(siren wailing) It's gone." "It's..." "Come on, it's lovely weather" "For a sleigh ride together... (whistling)" "(jingle bells jingling with steps)" "Do you mind?" "The whistling?" "Sorry." "I'm concentrating." "On what?" "The list." "Checking it the second time." "I don't see any list." "Oh, it's in my head." "It would take forever to put something like that down on paper." "It's easier this way." "It's kind of like that, uh, movie Rain Man." "Well, go ahead, you know, quiz me." "I don't have time for your stupid games." "Of course you do." "You're in prison." "Go ahead, any name." "Try it." "Martin Garolowitz." "Naughty." "What?" "Four years in a row." "Next?" "Igor Strasofsky." "Which one?" "The one in Budapest." "Father or son?" "Son." "Nice." "See?" "It's really not that hard." "See, I scramble the letters, then alphabetize them into a code." "And, uh, how do you get there?" "Where?" "Two billion homes in one night." "Well, uh, yeah, well..." "I-it's really not that hard if you work the time zones." "See, it's tomorrow in Asia when it's yesterday here." "Of course, you have to wear a of watches to keep it all straight, but you kind of get used to that." "And also, of course, those reindeer go like bats out of hell." "(whooshing)" "Help!" ""Dear Detective Crumb, watch out for thin ice."" "What is this, some kind of a joke?" "I think it's a pun." "You think it's a pun?" "You know, ice?" "Thin ice." "Get out of here." "You know what I think?" "I this is getting personal." "Look, something's wrong." "It was supposed to explode." "This?" "The bomb... it was supposed to explode." "But there's no bomb." "Very astute observation." "Look, this guy..." "he's following us." "Whoever he is, he knows where we're going." "He's... what are you doing?" "Looks like snow, Huh?" "You got any feeling about that one way or the other?" "About what?" "'Cause if you did, you could be a weatherman instead of, you know, a deputy sheriff." "You still don't believe me, do you?" "Look..." "I'm letting you go." "Not that I still have my suspicions," "It's just that..." "you're making me crazy with this should be, supposed to be." "I mean, what are you, one of those, uh, Magic 8-Balls?" "Look, Crumb, all I'm trying do is help you out here." "Do me a favor." "Don't." "All right, I won't." "Merry Christmas!" "(softly):" "You old goat." "Oh, no." "Good-bye, stretch pants." "Good-bye, fireplace." "Good-bye, weekend in heaven." "You're pretty broken up about this, aren't you?" "Wouldn't you be?" "My car's in hock, my life is a mess, and I'm stuck here in jail with a raving lunatic on Christmas Eve!" "Things just never work out for you, do they?" "Who asked you?" "The problem is, you don't believe." "Could you just shut up?" "It's too bad." "You started out as a good kid as I remember." "Of course, it's some time ago, and there was that" "Christmas when you were nine." "Wrong." "I was eight." "Shows you how much you know." "No, you... you were nine." "I'm sure of it." "Eight." "Nine." "Eight." "Are you absolutely positive?" "I was eight when I asked for the sled." "Fine." "Then were you eight." "Oh, yeah, that sled." "What kind was it again?" "I.I. Bean." "No." "Flexible Flyer." "Uh, the one with the..." "Fins on the back." "No." "You're making that up." "You're, uh, you're pretty good at this, aren't you?" "Oh, I try to be." "But you didn't get it, did you?" "That sled?" "Went to someone else." "Inky Bowers." "Inky Bowers." "I never liked that kid." "You always wondered why it went to him." "Because you didn't believe." "See, there's a price you have to pay for that... not believing." "It's a big one." "Okay, that's enough." "Let's just stop right there." "You're not Santa Claus." "I'm not a dope, and I want out now." "Hello!" "Sergeant..." "whatever your name is," "I demand to be moved." "I have my rights, you know." "I want a new cell." "Hello?" "(bells jingling)" "(groans)" "Oh, my God." "CHUCK:" "Is he sick?" "Hard to tell." "My guess is he's faking." "But..." "I'll call a medic." "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute." "You're not gonna leave me here alone with him, are you?" "I mean, what if he spasms or something?" "I'm really not very good with death." "(scoffs)" "Oh, no, I'm serious." "Hey, buddy!" "Oh, man, this has been some day." "(whistles)" "(sputtering)" "Need to get to the sleigh." "What?" "Waiting there, Lincoln Park." "Got to get there." "Otherwise, no good." "Oh, man, come on." "What... what is this?" "(choking, gurgling)" "Okay, nice try." "I know what you're trying to do." "You're trying to make me help you get out of here, is that it?" "Gonna start coughing up blood!" "Oh, no, don't do that." "K-Kids depending on me!" "Need your help!" "No!" "No need my help!" "No!" "(gurgling)" "Okay, okay, fine!" "Fine!" "How?" "Where is he?" "Cell number 38." "What's wrong with him?" "You're the paramedic." "You tell me." "My keys!" "(groans)" "CRUMB:" "Anything else you want to tell me about?" "Like giant spiders or flying saucers" "No, just a bomb in a teddy bear." "Thanks." "I feel much better." "What do we got?" "We cleared the building, plus we got fire trucks out in front." "Anything else?" "Yeah, my, uh, Christmas tree lights at home ain't working." "Get me some." "The big, fat kind, not the little, skinny ones." "(chuckles) Yes, sir." "So this is where the little birdie told you the bomber's gonna be?" "Yep." "Excuse me, are you the detective in charge here?" "That's me." "Do you realize what you're doing?" "You've shut down this store on the busiest day of the year!" "So?" "So, the owner is very close to the mayor." "This time you're sure?" "Yeah." "No chance you're mistaken?" "No." "Oh, be sure to get red ones." "And nothing that twinkles." "All right, come on, boys." "Tear 'em open." "I don't believe this." "What have we done?" "We just broke out of jail." "I just broke out of jail." "Me, Chuck Fishman." "I've busted stir." "I'm a felon!" "Relax." "You just did something nice." "I did?" "You got a buck?" "No, I don't have a buck." "They took my wallet." "Oh, my God." "They know who I am!" "What about your pocket?" "Maybe you got a quarter." "(bell jingling)" "Ah, good." "Keep up the good work." "Oh, great!" "You know what?" "This is insane!" "I mean, look at you." "You don't even look like the guy." "Where's you beard?" "You're a fake just like all the rest of them." "(groans)" "What?" "What's wrong?" "What's wrong?" "You're not believing again!" "Oh, man." "Go on." "Take it back." "Okay, okay, fine." "Fine!" "I take it back, okay?" "I take it back." "You gotta watch out for that kind of stuff." "Okay, all right." "Let's go." "No bomb." "You're sure?" "We're sure." "No bomb." "No bomb." "It's too bad." "Want us to start on the elephants?" "Skip it." "Yes, sir." "Any thoughts?" "I don't understand." "It doesn't make any sense." "It was supposed to be here." "Maybe I can help you out." "You see, I'm a policeman, and you're a lunatic." "That's why we got stuffing coming out of our ear." "Furthermore..." "That's pretty funny." "Let me tell..." "There's a phone call for you." "One guess: the mayor?" "Correct." "You got three minutes to come up with an explanation." "After that, I'm putting you in a straitjacket." "It changed." "I don't get it." "("Jo." "Tannenbaum" playing softly)" "(music continues)" "I got it." "I'm dreaming." "This is all because of some hot sauce I ate." "I doubt it." "Any moment now I'm gonna wake up and find myself laying in a gutter, drunk." "Which would be just fine with me." "What are you doing?" "We're gonna need wheels." "You're stealing a car?" "!" "Shh!" "Oh, no, no, no." "Look, I already got a record because of you." "And I'm not gonna add grand theft larceny to the list." "Fine!" "Go!" "You betcha I'm going." "But remember this:" "If I am who I say I am, you're walking away from the one chance in your life to do something good for the world, if that means anything to you." "Think it does?" "Okay." "Get in!" "I thought you said we were going to the park?" "We missed it." "We need to meet it at the next stop." "Where is that?" "Cleveland." "(engine starts)" "(dial tone droning)" "All right, let's wrap it up." "86 the dead bears, and let's get out of here." "GARY:" "Hey, Crumb." "Crumb, I found another note." "Good for you." "What do you mean, good for me?" "Don't you want to read it?" "No, thanks." "Well, I think you should." "I think I know what's going on now." "Oh, that's nice." "I'm thrilled." "You're thrilled?" "Tell it to the new guy." "Tell it...?" "Wait." "What new guy?" "The poor slob that they're gonna bring in to handle this thing." "Me?" "I'm gonna go home and hang Christmas lights." "You're gonna..." "Wait a second." "You're off the case?" "The mayor wants results?" "I don't got 'em." "See ya." "Whatever happened to Cabbage Patch dolls?" "Ah, the heck with it." "I need a drink." "Come on." "You're buying." "MAN:" "Yeah, you do and you'll clean it up." "GARY:" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "WOMAN:" "Oh, come on." "You can't be serious." "You okay?" "Yeah, great." "Listen, Crumb..." "It's Christmas Eve." "I'm off the case, maybe out of a job," "That's 30 years on the force down the toilet." "How could things be bad?" "Here, merry Christmas." "Maybe you should get something to eat with that." "Like what, Christmas crow?" "Listen, you can't let this get to you." "Giving up is not the solution." "Who says?" "You know, this beer is flat." "Somewhere out there there's a guy planning on killing people." "With what, love notes?" "Sooner or later, he's gonna succeed." "You know what gets me?" "It's not this crummy bar or the fact that my bunions ache or that I staked my pension on the word of some nut that reads tea leaves, what gets me is I'm never gonna get a chance" "to see this guy's face." "I just wish I knew how he did it!" "He was watching you." "What?" "Listen to what I'm saying." "This guy knew where we were." "We thought we were following him, but we weren't." "He was following you." "Cat and mouse." "And you were the mouse, Crumb." "All right, that's it." "He ticked me off." "I'm gonna track this guy down if it takes me the rest of my life." "MAN:" "Excuse me." "Detective Crumb?" "Yeah?" "I have a message for you." "(patrons gasp)" "Nobody move!" "Nobody move!" "Nobody move!" "Nobody!" "(scattered screams)" "Nobody move!" "Old man on the rooftop, reindeers, too" "To bring my merry Christmas and happy New Year, too." "I'm your Santa and I am coming to town" "I am your Santa, and I am coming to town" "I'm not used to steering with a wheel." "Gee, I never would have guessed." "Easy, big boy." "Do you even know where you're going?" "To the highway." "The highway's down here?" "It's a shortcut." "Go left at Angela Monihan's house." "The one with the stucco chimney." "She's naughty." "Nice..." "I wish Gary were here." "Gary who?" "He's a friend of mine." "Gary Hobson." "You know him?" "Natch." "Okay, then tell me." "What's different about him?" "Different?" "Yeah, that's right." "Different." "If you're Santa Claus, you should know." "Let's see." "He's got a mole in his armpit." "What else?" "Batted .461" "in Little League." "He gets tomorrow's paper..." "today." "Oh, that!" "I thought you meant something unusual." "(woman screams)" "One more scream, and I'll set this thing off." "Tell them I mean it." "Everybody be calm;" "He's not gonna hurt you." "(murmurs from patrons)" "He came in for me." "That's right, isn't it?" "You betcha." "You want to tell me why?" "I thought we should meet." "Fine, fine." "Nice to meet you." "Why don't we go outside and talk?" "You were following me." "Of course I was following you." "That's my job." "And you, you were helping him." "I saw you." "Some help." "(man chuckles)" "But I fooled you, didn't I?" "I did." "Yeah." "I did." "But we won the game." "We won the game." "That's right." "That's right." "You won the game." "So why don't we end it right now?" "Oh, because we haven't played the last round yet." "The part where we all go boom." "(groans and gasps)" "In, uh, 12 minutes." "CHUCK:" "Okay, I think I've got this thing figured out." "What's that?" "What we're gonna tell the cops." "Sorry." "We plead insanity, okay?" "Well, you or me?" "We tell 'em you ate too many French fries, you lost your mind." "You abducted me at gunpoint, right?" "I don't approve of guns." "Except for the toy ones." "All right, fine... a toy gun." "We call 'em up, and we turn ourselves in." "And then we sell the whole story to Oprah." "Holy cow, we might even end up ahead!" "I wouldn't count on it." "(siren blares)" "(siren blares)" "(over speaker):" "This is the police." "Oh!" "Okay." "Shut off your engine and put your hands on the dashboard now." "Okay." "Okay." "Just act natural." "I am acting natural." "I mean, don't act like Santa Claus." "That's gonna be hard." "Remember..." "French fries," "Oprah, book deals, okay?" "Right?" "(tires squeal)" "CHUCK:" "What are you doing?" "!" "I know 'em both!" "Neither of them is nice!" "Oh, no, I think it's going quite well, all according to plan." "I just... hope we didn't forget anything." "Hm." "You watch them." "I'll write the note." "Let's see, um..." "This guy is nuttier than a Snickers bar." "We got to get him away from that bomb." "How do you suggest we do that, ask him "pretty please"?" "Yeah, we could do that." "Uh, rats... moles... bats... and weasels." "Yeah." "The hour has come." "All right, that's it, we got to rush him." "Oh, yeah, and soon." "Count of three." "You ready?" "One, two..." "I told you not to move!" "I told you!" "Okay." "I'll blow it now." "Come on, Kriss Kringle!" "I'm right behind you!" "(distant siren wailing)" "This way." "Why did we have to ditch the car?" "Because you stole it!" "I was gonna give it back." "Yeah, right, and reindeer have wings." "Only when they're pups." "(quietly):" "Stupid!" "Stupid!" "Stupid!" "Hey, you with the animal." "I think it's time we had a talk." "There's nothing to talk about." "Yeah, well, I got something to talk about." "I'm old, I'm tired, my feet are flat." "You want to blow me to pieces, hey, go ahead." "I probably deserve it anyway." "But before you do, think about this:" "It's Christmas Eve." "All over the world, people are getting ready for... what, I do not know." "Neither do they." "But it's important, something worth waiting for." "It's the same with these people here." "They all got someplace to go, somebody who needs 'em." "Me?" "I don't." "So why don't you let them go?" "You don't want them." "You want me." "So come on, what do you say?" "Make Santa happy." "Santa?" "CRUMB:" "Who the hell is this?" "!" "BOMBER:" "I'll blow it now!" "Chuck, get the hell out of here now!" "I-I can't." "I..." "Oh." "Oh, perfect." "I'll blow it now!" "Drop your guns!" "The guy's got a bomb!" "You heard him... now!" "Did he say a bomb?" "On Christmas Eve?" "That's naughty if I ever heard it." "Look, please, do me favor, huh, just this once?" "Please?" "Look, mister..." "look, BOMBER:" "Stand back." "I know you don't want to do this." "I know you-you really don't want to do this." "BOMBER:" "One more step, and I'll set it off." "Ralphy?" "(quietly):" "What?" "Ralphy Melhall, right?" "Uh, that's not my name." "Well, sure it is!" "You're little Ralphy!" "No." "I am not..." "I'm..." "Howard Phillips." "Oh, that's right..." "Howard Phillips!" "I always got you two confused." "So, what are you doing here?" "Well, what does it look like I'm doing?" "Howie" "Phillips." "Who is this?" "I don't know." "You know, you used to be one of my favorite kids... nice, year after year." "Very consistent." "Remember?" "I got you your first chemistry set." "(stammers softly)" "Uh, I don't rememb..." "SANTA:" "Oh, you remember..." "it had all those little test tubes." "Plus, I-I got you a teddy bear, too." "Then... w-well, something happened." "Wh-What was it?" "You're not really Santa." "Oh, that's what happened." "You stopped believing." "Yeah, I remember the day." "I was standing in my workshop, helping the elves make Parcheesi sets, when all of a sudden I got this hurt, you know, ache right in my heart, like some little piece of joy had suddenly" "withered away." "Mrs. Claus said, "It's indigestion, honey,"" "but I knew better." "Oh, God. "Someone has stopped"" ""believing," I said." "It was my mother." "She was always..." "It really hurt me, you know?" "I mean, you stopped writing me." "Y-You stopped even thinking of me." "Didn't you?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "Oh... c-can I see it?" "Mm-mm." "Well, I'll give it back." "No." "I promise." "(whimpers)" "(whimpers)" "(people gasp) Thanks." "BOMBER:" "No!" "My bear!" "My bear." "All right, cuff this guy." "BOMBER:" "Oh!" "No!" "Oh, God!" "Oh... (loud explosion, people yelling, gasping)" "(people groaning, crying)" "That didn't sound too good." "Uh-huh." "(car alarms blaring in distance)" "Oh, my God." "(faint jingling growing louder)" "(jingling)" "(jingles)" "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir, that's right, we got the guy." ""The city can awake from its nightmare of terror"... that's very good, Your Honor." "Merry Christmas to you, too." "Well, congratulations;" "You're a hero." "I owe you one." "You, too." "Plus that bozo who went bang." "Well, take your stuff and get out of here." "Sir, he broke out of jail." "You want to explain that to a board of inquiry?" "Yeah." "Funny thing is, I still can't believe he's dead." "I mean, I know he came down in pieces, but... a guy like that, he really believed he was what he thought he was, you know, and you sort of have to admire that." "He got you." "Cynical me." "I thought he was just a cheap con." "My keys." "He stole my keys." "Funny, your car was here an hour ago." "Somebody must've took it." "Yep!" "(Sighs)" "GARY:" "I think this is for you." "(orchestral version of "White Christmas" playing)" "CHUCK:" "It's magic." "At least it is if you believe." "Which, I guess, can happen to the best of us." "Merry Christmas." "Yeah, same to you." "It all depends on being wise enough to know your heart... and young enough to feel that old surprise." "I'm" "Dreaming of" "A white" "Christmas" "With every" "(cat yowls) Christmas card" "I write..." "May your days" "Be merry" "And bright... (music slows)" "And may" "All your" "Christmases" "Be" "White." "Merry Christmas." "SANTA (in distance):" "Merry Christmas!"