"At this very moment in the town of Couer d'Louise  young Lily Charles was 5 years, 16 hours and 2 minutes old." "Three days earlier, her sister, Vivian, was born with a hole in her heart." "Cardiologists patched the flaw, and Lily received her orders:" "Put her vulnerable sibling before herself." "On her 11 th birthday, landlubbing Lily was given a back-yard pool  and a swimming suit that matched her sister Vivian 's." "Lily would soon realize that constant exposure to her younger sister  made Vivian a devoted mimic." "From matching swimsuits and back-yard poolery  the Darling Mermaid Darlings were born." "The renowned synchronized-swimming sisters were loyal beyond separation  until Charles Charles." "Engaged to Vivian, but in love with sister Lily  Charles Charles not only planted the seeds of betrayal, he sowed them." "Shamed by the affair with her sister's fiancé  Lily joined the Sisters of the Divine Magnatum  where she hid her love child from Vivian and the world." "No sooner was Lily's love child born  than Lily had to give her up to keep the secret." "Somewhere between losing her daughter and losing her eye  Lily lost the will to perform." "Lily's daughter, Charlotte, was raised by her father  and told her mother died giving birth." "When Charlotte's father died, her mother came back into her life." "But not as her mother, as her aunt." "Incapacitated by the lie she was forced to keep telling  Lily retreated from the world and took Vivian and Charlotte with her." "And then Charlotte died." "At this very moment, Lily and Vivian were commemorating a birthday." "Specifically, a half-birthday for their niece/daughter, Charlotte  who passed away one and one-half birthdays ago." "She was such a happy girl." "It's as if when she died, the merriment in this home died with her." " Good Lord." " Sorry for being dismal." "It would be a relief to be as strong and stoic as you." "Dear me, the aquacade is in town." "Remember taking Charlotte for her half-birthdays?" "It's as if an angel called the Papen County Picayune and placed an ad on the back page." " Are you done gawking?" " Birdcages need fresh liners." " Lily, let's go to the aquacade." "It could be just the thing to help the gloom pass." "Please, for me?" "Though Lily was weak with grief, her compulsion  to put her sister's happiness before her own drove her to say:" "Find my opera gloves." "All those children, tourists in culottes." "The place will be crawling with germs." "And so Vivian made a wish." "I can't believe you remembered my half-birthday." " How could we forget?" " With you never shutting up about it." "Here's a little something from me." "The first edition." "And it's signed by the author." "Thank you, Emerson." "Where's yours, boyfriend of half-birthday girl?" " Ned thinks he's a terrible gift giver." " I am." "He's obsessed with the perfect gift." " Doesn't exist." " It does." "He psychs himself out to the point where he doesn't gift anything." "But he's given me the greatest gift:" "My life." "I'm not giving up finding the perfect present." " What died?" " A couple dozen minks, give or take." "Lily asked me to take them to the furrier for a fluffing." "She and Vivian are going to the aquacade to celebrate Chuck's half-birthday." " I'm touched." "Aren't you?" " I'm not sure." "What's an aquacade?" " It's this traveling water show." "You have divers and swimmers and daredevils." "It always came to town the month of my half-birthday." "That's it, my perfect gift." "I'm gonna buy six tickets to the aquacade." " Emerson, call Simone." " In with the flu." " Olive, call Randy." " Out with the gout." " So four tickets to the aquacade." " Double date, double date." "Prepare to be amazed, there has not been this much talent around water since Moses played the Red Sea." "First, master of ceremonies and song, Jimmy Neptune." " And solo sync sensation Sid Tango." " Yeah." "Shark-rider Galveston Gus and his dorsal-finned friend, Bubba." "And your aunts." "The Serena and Venus of water ballet and no one's looking?" "No one's even not looking the way you pretend not to look." "But someone was." " The Darling Mermaid Darlings." " Look, fans." "No, they are not fans, they're the Aquadolls." "The facts were these:" "Blanche and Coral Ramora, a.k.a. The Aquadolls  shaped their act into a swimming celebration of the red, white and blue." "But the Aquadolls weren 't the only synchronized sister duo." "The Darling Mermaid Darlings were too, and thus grew a bitter rivalry." " What has you chumming the waters?" " I could ask the same, chum." "Oh, the Charles sisters, still out of the loop." "How quaint and refreshing." "We're tonight's headliners." "Didn't you know?" " Yo, dolls." " This is our manager, Blanche's husband." "Insatiable husband, Shane Trickle." "I found him when we were performing in Honolulu." "Hawaii." "Shake tail, curtain's in 20." "Well, off to do what we do best." "Swim for Christ and country." "Might wanna pick a new flag." "One without horizontal stripes." "It's a shame cutting this short." "Why don't we meet in our dressing room..." "Lavish dressing room, after the show?" "That is if the shuttle bus isn't in a hurry to get you back to the home." "This was an unanticipated stressor." "I would like to go." "Vivian, you think I wanted to drive 20 miles to a family-friendly venue with its general-admission parking lot?" "They don't even serve alcohol here." "Oh, my goodness." "You need to sit down at home?" "No, we are gonna stand up." "Now, come on, this is Charlotte's celebration." "Her memory comes first." "Now, get out your ticket." "We're wading in." "Come on." "They look rattled." "The Aquadolls is the worst thing that could have happened." "I'm gonna have to sneak closer and see how they're dealing." "Uh-uh." "The cotton-candy vendor is a very large man." "With a doubly large display of spun candy to hide behind." "Chuck." "I have to do something." "What can I do from all the way back up here?" "I know." "Let's lift their spirits with an aunt chant, or the wave." "It's never been more appropriate." "Emerson, you start." "Or something more to the point." "Screw the Aquadolls!" "Yay." "I got a smile." "Greetings, ladies and gents." "Welcome to my "Night of 1,000 Bubbles."" "Is this a frothy crowd or what?" "Bubba the shark thinks so." "More from him later." "Thanks for insisting we stay." "Now the task is staying strong." "But right now, let us rise for our national anthem as interpreted by those patriotic paddlers, the Aquadolls." "Oh, say can you see these ladies swim?" "Esther Williams would piss her cotton panel at the sight of those rocket splits." "Lily, behave." "Though I will admit, Blanche is looking less than buoyant." "Are you kidding?" "She's dead in the water." "I must pen a sympathy note to Coral Ramora." "Don't sign my name to that "sorry a shark ate your bitch of a sister" letter." "She wouldn't think twice if it happened to us." "But to have a sister die..." "I don't know how I'd survive if I lost you." "Who the hell is that?" "Vivian Charles of the Darling Mermaid Darlings tail, scales and all." "I overheard your verbal skirmish with the Aquadolls last night." "Hoped to grab you after the show but it seemed that you were swept away by the departing crowd." "We small-boned persons are vulnerable to exoduses of the mass and panicked variety." "We all thought the Charles sisters had gone the way of legend." " But, gee, what a time for a comeback." " Come again?" "My father owned the aquacade before me." "His father before him." "That's how I know Sam Neptune gave the Darlings their first break, as a boy." "I watched your set every night and I never forgot the look of the audience as they soaked it in." "You two have a gift unlike any I've seen." "Your swimming brings people joy." "Our swimming brings..." "Brought us joy too." "I'm in desperate need of a new opening act." "Come back to the pool, Mermaids." "After a 24-hour mourning period for poor Blanche, of course." " The water's nice." " We're retired." "People come out of retirement all the time." "For how many performances would you want us?" "What has gotten into your gills?" "We had our time." "And here it is, back again." "Well, are we swimming, women?" "Save it, we're in training." "Do I smell a fishwich?" " Yes." "You mind stowing it away?" " Yes." "All clear." "Sorry to inconvenience but the scent of fried flounder takes me back to my recent loss." "You come highly recommended, Mr. Cod." " The name's..." " Galveston Gus, yeah, I know." " I assume your loss is Bubba the shark?" " You heard?" " I was there." " I hope you ain't part of the negligence suit against me." "Lawyers wanna take everything I have." "And that's why I need you." " To prove I wasn't asleep in the saddle." " Not much I can do 300 people saw your great white make fish food out of that water hoofer." "I know you can't prove Bubba didn't eat Ms. Ramora." "He did." "And what a crap last meal that must have been." "But you can prove someone else let him out of his pen and caused this accident." "What's got you floating that theory?" "I triple-check the gate of his paddock before every performance." "This here is the only way to open it, and it never leaves my person." "No, sir, someone else opened his pen and set me and my boy up." "Mr. Cod, Bubba was my best friend ever since he was a guppy of a pup." "The only happiness I will get from this mess is knowing his good name is clear." "So please, help a sentimental cowpoke out." "In third grade, I did a report on great whites." "Discovered we're a lot alike, seeing as we're both misunderstood badasses." " Well, this may be a long shot, but..." "Let's give the fish a fair shake." " Ugh." "Ooh." "Ms. Ramora, I'm sorry to inform you, you've been eaten by Bubba the shark." "Did everybody cry?" "Of course they did." "I'm the fan fave." "Did you notice anything strange before...?" "Yes." "My sister asked me if I was going gray." " Something pertinent?" " It's strange." "My mother was auburn till the end." "Only other thing that can bring on gray hair is stress." "And my husband, Shane, is the biggest stress reliever I know." "Biggest." "I can see white in there." "But I don't think it's hair..." " That's my hair gel." " You sure that ain't shark slime?" "Water ballerinas use a thick hair gel." "Waterproof to keep their hair in place." " It's kind of like shellac." " Shellac with a faint scent of lard." "It's used all the time in pie crusts." "Why would someone put pig fat in her hair gel?" "Sharks can smell a drop of blood in the water a quarter-mile away." "Lard would have prompted Bubba to strike." "All someone would have to do is open the pen." "And we got bona fide murder by great white." "Wait." "Lily and Vivian Charles." "I knew there was a reason they would come out of seclusion after all these years." " The shrews, always after our limelight." " Your limelight?" "You were nothing before the Darling Mermaid Darlings." " They put sibling synchro on the map." " Who are you?" "Charlotte Charles." "Niece of Vivian, daughter of Lily." "Now, you hurt their feelings on a night they were feeling very fragile." "So you can just shut up about my family, Blanche Ramora-Trickle, or you'll end up..." "Well, I can't think of anything worse than here." "So, snap." "Now, touch her." "Touch her." "Touch her before she talks back." "Touch her." "That felt so good." "That hapless shark was just a patsy?" "He got a whiff of the lard in Blanche's hair gel and followed instincts." "The killer needed access to the Aquadolls' dressing room and the remote for the shark gate." "Inside job." "Our aquacade's looking nastier than a backed-up sink on Thanksgiving." "No way our bad fish is gonna nibble with a bunch of Pls trolling for murderers." "What we need now is a cover." " My aunts." " Lily, Vivian, a booth?" "Pie?" "Pie and booth?" "Maybe a sugar-free apricot custard to go." "Wow, you all are really coordinated today." "Olive, we'd like back the Darling Mermaid Darling costumes we gave you some time ago." "Feeling nostalgic?" "No." "We're joining the floating cast of Jimmy Neptune's "Night of 1,000 Bubbles."" "This is our living-in-sync practice hour." "OMG." "GR8." "TTFN." "No, BRB." "She's got a case of the dumb A-S-S." "How about you take a seat far over there where you can do whatever it is you're doing." "Well, ladies, if it isn't a small sea." "It just so happens I have business at Jimmy Neptune's myself." "Would you mind stepping outside for a little chat?" "After you." "Yeah." "No stares of disbelief, I beg you." "I couldn't pass up an all-access pass to the aquacade." " All-access, but not all-inclusive." " I know, I can't go." "But I don't care." "Lily and Vivian are back in the water for pay." "But I want you there taking photos and making notes and then reporting back to me." " Doesn't seem fair." "The rest of us are on break, you're in detention." "This detention's easier." "I know they're surrounded by people who love them." "In this very emotional and vulnerable time." "You just make sure that Emerson is a vigilant bodyguard and sticks to them like glue." "Paddle out." "Dipping a toe back in our old milieu and solving a murder." "The thought brings tingles." "All right, here's your lane assignments." "Itty Bitty, you're hair and makeup." "I want you to get in Blanche's dressing room and find that hair gel." "Pie-Maker, you're the deal-maker, a.k.a. The Mermaids' agent." "Stick to Jimmy Neptune." "As team coach, I'll sidle up to the Aquadolls' manager and grieving husband, Shane Trickle." "And as team heavy, I'll make sure you two have nothing to worry about except scissor-kicking ass and taking names." "Aqua-troupe, circle round for an important announcement." "As terrible as these circumstances are they've also brought us something wonderful." "A pair of luminaries." "Everyone, put your fins together for "A Night of 1,000 Bubbles'" new headliners:" "The Darling Mermaid Darlings." "That's bogus, Neptune." "We have a signed thing." "Which I will honor by finding a boffo new act for Coral." "Does anybody even know who these two are?" "I met my husband at a Darling Mermaid Darlings show." "They're the reason we devote our lives to this." "I have pens for autographs." " I ought to punch you in the snot-locker." "As Lily and Vivian 's stars began to rise  Olive encountered another star that was about to fall." " Are you the new seahorse?" " Oh, heavens to hamstrings." "No, I'm Sally Boots." "Fly girl to the Darling Mermaid Darlings." " Snap back, G-string." "I love them." " Oh, I love you." "Oh, mama." " Who are you?" " Sid Tango." "I open the second act." "Why aren't you out there?" "They're relocating me." "Out by the Port-O-Lets." "Oh, shoot." "There's enough room in this fishbowl for all us fish." "You know what?" "Thank you." "If only more people around here would be as accepting of who I am." " People aren't accepting?" "Being a man in aqua entertainment." "Which is to say, unappreciated and invisible." "You know how many times Jimmy promised me the headliner spot?" "Thought I'd get it after Blanche." "I hear they're dragging the Mermaids out of retirement." "Oh, well." "Some day it'll be my turn." "Until then, I'll be content watching others glimmer and gleam." "Ironically, Olive found those same words staring back at her  from the vicinity of Coral's dressing table." "Think Coral will mind if I borrow this?" "My girls need a touchup before splashdown." "Nice to meet you." "I combed the dressing room for the murder weapon." "Well, murder-weapon trigger." "Blanche's beauty area had already been broomed but I did find Coral's hair gel." "Smells fine." "Nice work, seawee." "I got a great big bucket full of nothing." "Still, your find does prove our theory:" "Blanche was definitely the target." "Mm-hm." "Holy Ibiza, Monaco and Saint-Tropez." "That is some banana hammock." "That's Sid Tango." "I found him in Blanche's dressing room." "He's fun and just a teensy bit angry he was overlooked to lead the aquacade due to his..." "Well, because of..." "What's in his banana hammock." " I really should look away, but I can't." " Wanna go blind?" "I wanna catch a killer." "Look at the shark pen." " See that?" " Uh-huh." "It happens every time Sid touches his belt." "Ah." "Come on." " Excuse me." "This is where I dive." " Oh, you about to belly flop, all right." "Right into a little cesspool I like to call the county pen." "What do you want, Tango?" "You." "To get me out of here." "Life on the inside rough?" "I'll call in a favor to the warden, maybe he can ease up a little." "What?" "He's a regular." "Sometimes I serve his pecan pie with an extra scoop of caramel sauce, complimentary-like." "This was a frame job." "I had nothing to do with killing Blanche." "Why would I keep the murder weapon in my Speedo?" "Why don't you say that and do a dance for the judge, Tango?" "You had opportunity and you had motive." "You already told me you were jealous of the Aquadolls' headliner spot." "My jealousy has nothing to do with them." "Stems from loving an art form that doesn't love me." "Why aren't you shining your spotlight on Coral?" "It's what she's wanted." " Keep splashing." " There may have been two Aquadolls but it was really The Blanche Show." "She put herself first." " Coral hated her for it." " Little sis got tired of living in big sis's shadow, engineered the attack?" "Coral launched Blanche in the direction of that shark." "A thing to make you go..." "Hm." "As Emerson Cod let Sid Tango off the hook  the private detective's suspicion sidestroked back to the aquacade." "What's the matter with you?" "I'm in mourning, you ass." "Why don't you just take that trident and stab me in the heart?" "Pack your spandex." "You're fired." "Whoa, whoa." "Everybody, chillax, I can fix this." "Save it, sand for brains." "You're as useless as teats on a boar." ""Teats." Coral, wait." "Can you believe the claws on that sea monster?" "Trying to pinch my aquacade and turn it into a vehicle for herself?" " Talent." "Like children." " Know what she tried to pitch?" "A one-woman tribute to A Chorus Line." " Don't you need a chorus, line?" " Figured a way around it." "The last thing I need is another water dancer." "With Galveston Gus gone, the audience is thirsting for a daredevil act." "Picture this." "A motorcycle." "But it's on fire." "And there's a ramp, 20 feet high, on fire too." " A rider appears..." " Also on fire?" "Better." "In chains." "She guns the engine, soars off the ramp, through a hoop maybe flaming, I'll have to crunch numbers lands on the other side." " "She"?" " Yes, Coral." "It was supposed to be her until I canned her." "Still, don't you think that's an act that'll put butts in seats?" "Absolutely." "And I've got another act that butts absolutely love." " The Darlings' contract." " A couple sticking points." " Nothing tsunami-sized." " Whatever they want." "They came up with stuff they don't, see if we could get away with." "The sisters are easy as a lazy river." "It'd be my pleasure to have them aboard." "On one condition." "Great news." "Jimmy agreed to all of your demands." " Fresh lilacs?" "Egyptian cotton towels?" " The vodka fountain?" "All." "Papers will be ready tomorrow." "But just so you know, it all hinges on one thing." "Jimmy's gonna take the aquacade on a European tour." " Signing means you'll go." " Out of the question." "Who would take the birds?" "Place flowers on Charlotte's grave?" "And besides, Lily has indulged me enough." " So our answer is..." " Yes." "For the first time since Charlotte died maybe it's okay to leave sadness behind and start putting our happiness first." "What do you think?" "I think Chuck..." "Charlotte as you described her, was a wonderful, caring woman." "And she, like me, would want you to put your happiness first too." "So I think we're all in agreement when I say, swim on, Mermaids." "Oh, my, it's Coral." "Everybody, stand back." " I was a lifeguard." " Was she attacked?" "We saw the whole thing." "She chained up, hopped on the chopper rode it like a Hells Angel in drag till she fell in." "Would have been funny if it wasn't so tragic." "Coral, what the hell were you doing?" " Jimmy?" "Is that you, Jimmy?" "Yes!" "Trying to show you that I could do it." "That daredevil act that you wanted." "I will do anything if it means getting back into the show." " Is that so wrong?" " No." "But let me tell you what is." "Your brother-in-law /manager's hands all over your perky/heaving boobs." "This is certified lifesaving position." "Get off me, you idiot." "I told you we were through." "For shame." "You've been doing the skinny-dip with your sister's husband." "At that moment, Lily Charles  had something in common with a lifelong enemy." "Both were adulteresses." "Both had stolen men their sisters loved." "Both were..." " Disgusting." " You put the evil in Knievel, lady." "The spotlight wasn't the only thing you didn't wanna share with Blanche." "You just wanted Trickle's pickle to yourself so you fed her to the sharks." "All right, all right, I admit that I slept with Shane to spite my sister." "But I didn't kill her." "I loved her." "And now she's gone and where do I turn?" "To us." "Coral, you will swim with our act tonight." " What?" " In the past whenever I was incapacitated by grief getting back in the water was the best cure." "It will heal you." "Isn't that right, Lily?" " Really?" " Think she's telling the truth, Cod?" "Yeah." "Too bad." "Because the jealous crazy lady that kills her sister to be with the himbo brother-in-law is a welcome rest stop on the motive turnpike." "Maybe rest stop's the same, on the other side of the road." "As in the himbo did it." "Wait, where's the himbo?" "The himbo." "Getting away with murder." "Hasta, beyotches." "Police searched Shane's van." "They found lard-laced gel and really specific instructions on how to clone a remote-control gate opener." "The APB's already out." "Are Lily and Vivian taking the excitement?" "Very well." "Now for the big news:" "The Darling Mermaid Darlings have picked up a third." " What?" " That was fake surprise." "Yeah." "Olive's been keeping me informed on things Charles sisters." " How are they getting along?" " Vivian is her usual sweet self." "Lily seems cautious, but still professional." "Coral is thrilled to have a job that doesn't require a flame-retardant one-piece." "That is just great." "Now, please, please can I open my box?" "I've been waiting all day." "My second-attempt half-birthday gift for tomorrow night." " I got us front-row seats." " Thank you." "Ned." "Killer tickets and a topnotch tam." "Thank you." "It's the Darling Mermaid Darlings' first professional appearance in years." "There's no way you can miss it." "Especially now." "And here's the juicy secret not even Olive Snook, the spy, knows." "The aquacade is hitting the road." "Lily and Vivian are going with it." " What do you mean "road"?" " A bunch of them, really." "Downing Street." "The autobahn." "The Champs Élysées." " But they're European." "As in, in Europe." " That's right." "I didn't expect fake surprise, but I didn't expect stunned silence either." "How could you let this happen?" "I did what you told me." "I thought you'd be happy." "Ned, they think I'm dead." "The only way this has been bearable is I've been able to keep tabs on them." "If they needed something, I could help them or try and fix it." "And while I'm removed, I'm still part of their lives." "And how can I be part of their lives if they're in Europe?" " This is a game changer." " What game?" "This is not a game." "No, it's not a game." "It's my life, and now you decided to modify the rules." "I've gotta reevaluate which ones actually keep me here." "I'll just sit here and try to concentrate on not throwing up." "Butterflies making you queasy?" "What say we drown them with a dip in the vodka fountain?" "I never drink and dive." "It's disrespectful to the audience." "More importantly, to Vivian." "Where is she?" "Meeting with the sound tech." "The underwater speakers sounded muddy in rehearsal." "Well, let's hope they solve it by show time." "Coral had slept with her own sister's husband." "Lily had done the same with her sister's fiancé." "The symmetry made her feel as if she were looking at a reflection of herself." "And since herself was what she hated most, she rejected the mirror." "Say, what is our choreography at measure 120 again?" "Are we reverse craning into a ballet leg thrust?" " Full corkscrew first." " I thought the corkscrew came last." "Oh, hold it." "That's right." "Which makes you wrong." "The corkscrew comes last." "You're losing it, Lil." " Think I'll have that nip after all." " Are you sure?" "Hey, short round, little help with my bun?" " You've got something poking out." " Leave it." "Sorry, but when I see a string I just..." " I have to yank it." " Hey!" "Holy gold lamé!" "You're trying to be a singular sensation." "Swam your way back for the aquacade by preying on Vivian's sympathy." "Try to break up the Darlings by stage-frightening Lily so you can rule the pool in a one-woman Chorus Line." "Where's the top hat?" " I'm gonna shove it up your..." " Olive." "Excuse us." "Did you know my sister was born with a hole in her heart?" "The doctors fixed it, but sometimes it leaks a bit, and stuff gets through." "Stuff like you." "Vivian may think a woman who sleeps with her sister's husband deserves a second chance, but I don't." "You'll always be what you are." "A selfish, conniving wretch." "The Darling Mermaid Darlings are a team that puts each other first." "So get in your showboat, and row it to hell." "This "putting others first" that you're so proud of I assume that it didn't apply to your baby." " I never had a baby." " That's what Vivian said." "Yeah, we were just making small talk and I casually asked if you had a son or a daughter and she told me that neither of you had children." "Isn't that strange?" "World's full of spinsters." "You know, 30 years ago you and I changed next to each other after a show." "The seamstress had to let out your costume, flippers didn't fit your feet and you had that just-knocked-up glow about you." "And then you disappeared for nine months." "So where's the kid, spinster?" "And why are you hiding it from Vivian?" "Breathe another word and it'll be your last." " Now get out." " You'll regret this." " Coral had to cancel." "She's sick." " Then it's just us." "As it really should be, I suppose." "Ready?" " I can't." " Lily, we've come this far." "This time, don't do it for me." "Do it for you." "Meanwhile, the Darling Mermaid Darlings ' security detail  spied a lurking shadow." "Oh, hell, yeah." "Which called to mind a murderous surfer named Shane." "Trickle, down." "On the ground." "Dead girl, don't you know there's a killer on the loose?" "Think again, fool." "Step out with your hands up." " What are you doing here?" "I asked first." " What are you doing here?" "The person sneaking around in the dark wearing a disguise is usually the person with the most explaining to do." "That'd be you, dead girl." "I came up here to get a better vantage point of Lily and Vivian swimming." "A lie." "From my vantage point in the shadows I saw her take their music out of the player." "I did not." "Look." "It's still in here." "Because I put it back in there." "I feel really ashamed now." "I'm so sorry." "You're lousy at explaining things." "The more you talk, the more lost I get." "I was happy for Lily and Vivian until their happiness threatened my happiness." "So in a moment of weakness and panic, I snuck up here to sabotage their show in the hope that they'd stay." "Despicable." "Now you." "I guess I must've thought Chuck would try to do something rash so I came up here to stop her." "Here's the Pie Hole Mix you asked me to get from my car." "You know what I realized on my full-tilt run back up here?" "First, there's a lot of steps in this place." "Second, Lily never mentioned there was a music change." "There wasn't." "Pie boy was gonna torpedo their performance." "How could you?" "When Chuck's happiness was threatened my happiness freaked." "I thought Chuck was gonna leave me and follow them to Europe." "You know, I'm a solo guy by nature." "But I choose to affiliate myself with the both of you." "Reason being:" "Because when you spend all your time chasing bad guys you want the best of the good guys in your corner." "You two normally are as solid as they come." "Because your moral compass is always pointed due..." "The right thing." "But clearly someone's been screwing with both of your magnetic fields both of you seem lost right now." "So I'm gonna help you out by personally escorting then physically ejecting both of your asses from these premises." "Now, what you think about that?" "At that moment  Charlotte Charles ' walk of shame turned into triumph." "The beat of happy hearts and the blare of underwater speakers  drowned out the sound of impending doom." "Coral!" "I did it for you, Coral!" "Nobody asked you to, Shane." "Know what's great about everyone thinking you're stupid?" "They assume that you can't get away with murder, but I did." "You also sent a shark into water while I was swimming." " Did you think about that, professor?" " Yes." "I smeared your costume with the protein secretions of the Red Sea Moses Sole." " A shark repellent." "That's it." "Why don't you just drop the microphone there, Trickle?" "Oh, I plan to." "In the pool." "The cord will shoot a current through the water and electrocute the Darling Mermaid Darlings." "Once Lily and Vivian Charles are dead Jimmy will finally have to make you the star of the show." " And that's all you ever wanted." " Oh." "Now I get it." "Look at me, Coral." "It's all for you." "Shane." "But the victory of the previous night  faded in the light of a conversation that had to be had." "Morning." "I hope that gift's not for me." "My half-birthday's over." "The gifts I gave you before only triggered crisis and misery." "Really?" "I hadn't noticed." "Give this one a shot?" "I don't remember this picture." "I remember the day, but not the shot." "I took it." "With my junior Instamatic." "It was the first time I met your aunts." "They were buzzing through on the way to some far-off, fantastic place." "I had almost forgotten those aunts." "Thank you for reminding me." "Chuck, I tried very hard to be a good boyfriend." "I believe that every day, even in the smallest ways I try to put your happiness before my own." "Yeah, I agree with that wholeheartedly." "I've been lying to you." "Not that it's any excuse, but I think it's because I've been lying to myself too." "If Lily and Vivian knew you were still alive the only person in danger would be me." "And the danger itself is a lie." "It's irrational fear in danger's clothing, whispering in my ear, saying:" ""Chuck loves her mother, aunt, no way she'd spend her life with you if she could still be with them."" "And so I put my happiness first and told everyone that no one could know you were alive again." "Especially Lily and Vivian Charles." " You didn't know what you were doing." " I do now." "And now I'm finally putting your happiness before my own." "At this very moment, a life event was taking place." "Lily Charles had begun to experience feelings that had become foreign." " These pleasant sensations..." " Lily." " ... were not to last." " Coral?" "Coral and I just had an illuminating conversation." "One that helped me put together the pieces of a 30-year-old mystery." "There was a part of me that always knew." "But I wouldn't allow myself to entertain such horrid thoughts." "That my beloved sister would go behind my back with my fiancé and have a child." "It was Charlotte, wasn't it?" "I tried thousands of times to tell you." "But I couldn't find a way to do it." "Why do you think I hid from the world?" "I was so ashamed, I couldn't bear to have anyone look at me." "I understand." "I can't bear to look at you either." "I took the liberty of calling you a cab." "Where am I supposed to go?" "Anywhere but here." "You know, I have spent half a lifetime trying to make amends." "I gave up the only man I have ever loved." "As well as my beautiful baby daughter." "Because I knew the truth would break your heart." "So I broke mine instead." "I did what I have done since the day you were born." "Chose your happiness over mine." "You don't have to anymore." "All right!" "Lily?" "Vivian?" "That very moment, time stopped  as it is wont to do when present, past and future collide." "When one's existence ceases to be measured in days, hours and minutes  but instead, in the immeasurable quantity of life events." "For Lily and Vivian Charles, the reappearance of a daughter and niece  was a life event that would eventually overshadow a 30-year-old betrayal  and result in a splash of water, the roar of the crowd  and a whirlwind tour around the world." "Twice." "Private investigator Emerson Cod would experience a life event  when life found him through the pages of a pop-up book." "And he was reunited with his own "little gumshoe."" "I'm looking for Emerson Cod." "Jockey-cum-waitress-cum- private-investigator Olive Snook  would experience two life events in quick succession." "The first, opening her heart to a formerly friendless taxidermist." "And the second  by opening a culinary palace dedicated to the art of macaroni and cheese  called The Intrepid Cow." "For the Pie-Maker and a dead girl named Chuck  their shared life event began with a touch  and became the promise of a new family brought about by the words:" "I'm alive." "At that moment in the town of Couer d'Couers, events occurred  that are not, were not, and should never be considered an ending." "For endings, as it is known, are where we begin."