" I'm Xavier, with an "X"." " Your life is so much fun." " Got to live life while I can." " What does that mean?" "Humankind only has eight months and 12 days left on Earth." " You're serious." " Yeah, the apocalypse is, um, nigh." "This is my apocalyst." "This is every last thing I want to do before things go kaput." " (Whooping) - (Cheering)" "(Screaming)" "You in?" "Previously on No Tomorrow..." "How about number three, talk to Dad?" "No." "Okay, not ready for that one." "Yet." "Ten grand cash on delivery." "Dude, I don't have that;" "put my life on plastic." "EVIE:" "Francis "Fern" Fernberger." "Cute." "I broke up with my Internet girlfriend." "May I have this dance?" "(Cash register beeps and whirs)" "That'll be $245." "Look what I found." "XAVIER:" "Oh, my God, it's hideous." "I know." "We'll take it." "(Cash register beeping)" "♪♪" "(Whooping)" "(Laughing)" "Come on." "Yeah." " Ow, my arm." " Oh, okay." "(Grunts)" " (Whooping) - _" "She hit and a miss." "(Laughing)" "GLORIA:" "Here are your old yearbooks, and there's a couple more boxes for you in the car." "So are you guys like spring cleaning in the fall, or...?" "Well, we're renting out our house" " for a few months." " Really?" "Why?" "Oh, we're just being proactive about finances." "Just at least until your dad's acting career takes off." "Big audition tomorrow, check it out." "From the boardroom to the bathroom," "I'm the kind of man who likes things to go smoothly." "FloMaFill." "For the man with high standards and low flow." " GLORIA:" "It's really good." " Yeah." "Wait, where are you guys gonna live when you're renting out your house?" "Oh, well, we found a nice little artist's studio near Pioneer Square." "Pioneer Square?" "Near the blood bank and the adult bookstore?" "It'll be an adventure." "It'll be like..." "like our first New Year's together." "Remember?" "How we got snowed in at your Uncle Eddie's cabin?" "All we had to eat were baked beans and hot dog buns." "EVIE:" "Wow." "That sounds..." "Awful." "I mean, their new place is an eighth-floor walk-up." "It has a Murphy bed." "Oh, cool." " Not cool." " Oh, okay." "Not cool." "It's still pretty cool." "Should I just let them stay with me?" "I mean, I probably should, right?" " I have "repay Mom and Dad" on my list." " _" "You know, they raised me, they helped me pay for college;" "I owe them something." "Whoa!" "What the fig?" "!" "What..." "Whoa!" "What are you doing?" "Well, I was burning a letter." " Why?" " Because I have no intention of ever reading it." "It's from my father." "But... "talk to Dad" is on your list." "So is crash-land on a tropical island, and survive on nothing but guile and wit, but some things are more likely than others." "Don't destroy it;" "I mean, you might change your mind." "It's an unwanted intrusion." "To be honest, I don't even know how he got my P.O. box number." "(Laughing):" "Well, now you sound paranoid." "Oh, my God, that remind me, I'm late for lunch with Hank." "Well, you two have gotten tight." "Could we get a couple of coffees?" "A double-double and an espresso, please?" " Yeah." " Thank you." " Sorry." " So, uh... how are things with Deirdre?" " Something's brewing." " Is it?" "Though, technically, that brew could get us both fired." "Well, I'm sure it's nothing you can't work around." "There it is again." "Hank, have you noticed there's a black van with two guys in it over there?" " Where?" " Dude, right over..." "D-don't point, don't point." "J-just-just describe the van to me." "Um, just a black van with tinted windows." "Shh!" "They could be reading your lips." "Talk without moving them, talk like this." "It's, uh, it's a black van with tinted windows." "Okay, black man with scented Mentos." "Got it." "There's..." "No." "That's not what I..." "How did you get that from what I was..." "That's exactly what you just said." " You said..." " I said... there's a black van with tinted windows, and there are two guys staring at the back of your head." "What kind of plates?" "There are no plates." " No plates?" " No." " Oh, man." "They found me." " Who?" " Government goons." " What?" "They've been following my Jade Helm chat room activity." "Oh, thanks." "Thank you." "(Shouting):" "I have to go to the public restroom." "I'm gonna sneak out through the bushes." "Let me know if they tail me." "All right, yeah." "Your credit card was declined." "Oh." "Uh, sorry... here." " Uh, keep the... change." " Thanks." "(Keypad clicking)" "_" "EVIE:" "This is so exciting." "Yeah." "It's just like old times." "Okay, yeah." "Bye." "Bye, bye." "Why do you look so happy?" "Because my parents are moving in with me." "Wow." "That is sad on so many levels:" "That it's happening, that you're excited about it." "Okay." "Just the two levels." "Look, speaking of dreaded family time," "I need you to come with me to dinner tomorrow night at my mom's." "My brother's trotting out his new fiancée." "Aw!" "You've never introduced me to your family before." "This is so special." "We're going to the next rung on the friendship ladder." "Okay." "Now what I need for you to do, is find a way to take all those words, and put them back in your mouth, because I find them nauseating." "(Talking backwards)" "Okay, that was worse." "Look, I'm not inviting you as some sort of friendship-deepening gesture." "I just need backup to get through the excruciating ritual of meeting one of Rohan's basic bitches." "The last one was a professional shopper with a Maltipoo named Chanel." "Maltipoo's are the cutest." "Like little puffy clouds with faces." "HANK:" "Just wanted to remind you of your 3:00 conference call, and, uh, can you sign these papers for me?" "You want me to transfer you to a new desk." "I feel I've reached my maximum potential as your assistant, and I'd like to move on." "If you're planning on suing me for sexual harassment, you should know this is not my first rodeo." "You're messing with the wrong cowgirl, Hank." " I could..." " No, no, no, no." "I figured that if I was at another desk, you and I could... develop a different dynamic in our relationship." "And when would you care to commence this new chapter?" "I thought... dinner tomorrow night." "I can't wait to experience our combustible chemistry outside the office." "(Laughing and muttering)" "(Squeaks)" "Thanks, again for your generosity." "We promise to pitch in and not be a bother." "Yep, that's right." "In fact, you know what?" "I'm gonna make dinner tonight." "I hope you gals like ramen." "I got ten packets for ten bucks." "Keepin' it thrifty." "Oh, Mom, let me help." " Oh!" " (Gasps)" "Oh, dang it." "(Gasping):" "Oh, no." "(Crying):" "My aromatherapy diffuser." "Mom, that's okay." "You can get those at Chatchke Palace for, like, ten dollars." "(Crying)" "It's not the diffusor." "It's just this whole situation." "I mean, your dad made this huge decision to quit his job, without even consulting me." "And now everything just feels so shaky." " Have you told Dad how you feel?" " No." "I can't." "His aura is burning brighter than it has in years." "It's yellow, Evie; yellow." "Wow." "But, Mom, if this is causing you stress, then..." "I just need to breathe through it." "I need you to promise not to say anything to your dad." "(Thunder rumbling)" "(Laughing)" "♪♪" "♪♪" "(Panting)" "Come on, come on, come on, come on." "Hank." "Hank, I need your help." "They're not following you, they're following me." "Now, if my suspicions are correct, and the government is trying to silence me" " because my theory is right..." " Yeah." "how do I avoid surveillance?" "First, ditch the smartphone;" "flip phones only." "Put tape over the camera in your computer." "Black out your windows." "You should be writing this down." "But then burn it." "Can you just come to my house and help me?" "No can do; got my own big thing to prep for." "First date with Deirdre on the books." "As someone who recently had an incredible first date with a dynamo named Francis, here's my advice." "Find out what she's into, and then also be into it." "Francis loves deep tissue massage." "I mean, she loves it." "She's like, blah." "So I have been working on my thumb strength." "Whoa!" "Can I just, like..." "No." "I need to know what her thing is." "It's probably something freaky like... like puppetry or... or poison oak... or cling wrap." "Hmm." "M-Maybe, um, maybe her thing is-is-is the same as your thing." "She did say once" " that she likes noises." " There you go." "I just need to figure out which ones." "No, my mom is the real actor." "She keeps pretending everything's fine." "So just tell your dad what's up." "I can't." "I promised I wouldn't say anything." "She doesn't want to seem unsupportive." "So she suffers in silence for months on end only to pull a carving knife on him one day at the family picnic?" "(Whispers):" "I saw it in an episode of SNAPPED." "He bled out." "Yeah." "Okay." "So..." "Well, they definitely need to start communicating, and I feel like that's how I can repay them for everything that they've done for me." "_" "Wow, that sounds so beautiful." "What did she say?" "Uh, she asked how spicy you like your chole." "Oh." "Regular." "AMITA:" "I'm very happy to meet, uh, Kareema's best work friend." "(Laughs)" "Hank is an unusual name for a girl." "KAREEMA:" "Oh, no." "Hank couldn't make it, so I invited Evie instead." "Well, I am so happy to be here." "I didn't even know Kareema had a brother." "We want to make him and his fiancée feel most welcome tonight." " Ugh." " So Kareema's going to be nice." " I'm always nice." " Hm." "Sometimes always nice." "Ah!" " Fine, never." " ROHAN:" "Hello?" "Hey." " Rohan." " Mom!" "Hi!" "Reems!" "(Grunts)" "Put me down." "Hi!" "I'm Evie." "I'm-I'm Kareema's" " Nice to meet you." " second best work friend." "Uh, everybody, this... is Sofia." "Hello." " Hello." " I am so sorry we're a little late." " Oh..." " I was on the phone with my mom." "She's redoing her kitchen, and I had to talk her out of stenciling some cliché on the wall." "Fatal, right?" "So fatal." " Let me take you upstairs." " Oh, yeah." " Yeah." " Show you your rooms." "Excuse me." "Okay?" "This way." "Careful." "This way." "DEIRDRE:" "This is interesting." "I'm not very familiar with Pennsylvania Dutch cuisine." "Best hog maw in all of Seattle." "Mmm!" "It's delightfully gamey." "Yeah." "(Whirring tone)" "That, uh, sound is deeply irritating." " Sorry." " Hm." "(Moaning, crunching)" "What are you doing?" "(With mouth full):" "Um... just... chewing." "In my ear?" "Did you know... that people who are sexually aroused by the sound of balloons popping call themselves..." ""looners"?" "Balloons are for children and the terminally ill." "Sure, yeah." "These are from my trip to Cameroon." "Oh, so beautiful." "I was bitten by at least 60 different types of bugs." "But it was totally worth it." "AMITA:" "You two make a wonderful couple." "Um, I was thinking of checking out this band, Telekinesis." "I heard they're pretty badass." "Maybe they could play" " at the wedding." " Yeah." "I-I love them." "I actually know the bassist's, um, boyfriend and girlfriend, if you want me to get you guys tickets..." "Well, thank you." "You're so nice." "I'm really not, usually." "(Laughing)" "But I am." "Scarlet Lotus Spa?" "You two need to be pampered." "You've been living in a tent." "I'm not crazy about strangers touching me, Mom." "Whereas it's the foundation of my social life." "ROHAN:" "Actually, why don't the two of you go?" "It'll give you a chance to bond." "But we've already bonded." "Right, Kareema?" "Yeah." "I mean, I already like her more than I like you," " so..." " EVIE:" "See?" "She's not that nice." "(Laughter)" "You're so funny." "(Laughing)" "♪♪" "(Knocking)" "You know what?" "I'm not gonna run from you anymore." "So you found me." "You can silence me, but you can't silence all the people I've told..." "I've spread my theory far and wide." "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." "Yeah, well, of course you'd say that, wouldn't you?" "Wait a minute." "You're not with my father somehow, are you?" "We're repo agents, sent by Banston Collection Agency." "You're not an easy man to find, Mr. Holliday." "Since you use a P.O. box, we had to tail you." "And now we're gonna repossess your belongings." "Hey." "Hey, you can't come in here." " He can't come in here." " You owe us" "$93,000, Mr. Holliday." "Your credit cards have been frozen." "We're taking everything." "♪♪" "Sofia's not the only one bitten by a bug." "Huh?" "What do you mean?" "Kareema... you like her." " What are you talking about?" " You're joking around, you're genuinely interested in what she's saying." "You're glowing." "(Whispers):" "Shut up." "I can't thank you enough." " That meal was incredible." " Oh." "My mom did most of the cooking, so..." "Oh, your tag is out." "(Exhales):" "Oh, th-thanks." "Sure." "Told ya." "(Exhales):" "This is bad." "(Hammering)" "(Hammering continues)" "Uh, hey, you guys." "(Hammering)" "I found some spare lumber underneath the house." "Say hello to your new coffee table." "Or-or wine rack." "I don't know yet." "I..." "I have some D.I.Y. videos to watch." "Yep, yep, yep, yep." "And, uh... guess how much it costs?" "Bupkus!" "It's called boho chic." "Or... hobo chic." "I forget, but... it's gonna be chic." " (Hammering resumes)" " EVIE:" "How about you, Mom?" "How are you feeling?" "Like I need to find a new meditation space." "Do you mind if I use your bedroom, sweetheart?" "Well, so you guys don't want to just, you know, chat?" "Talk about how we're all doing generally?" "GARY AND GLORIA:" "Too busy, honey." "XAVIER:" "This is not how it was supposed to go." "You maxed out 15 credit cards and let them go to collections." " How'd you think that would go?" " I thought I'd keep living my life exactly as I pleased for the next seven months, and then a giant flaming rock would come and kill us all, and my credit score would be the least of my concern." "Avoidance, man... it's the Xavier way." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Didn't you say you haven't talked to your dad in a decade?" "And this credit card thing?" "Let me guess... you're not gonna tell Evie about it." "No." "But not 'cause I'm avoiding it, because I don't want her to worry." "Look, I want to be a force for good in her life." "I don't want to drag her down with my problems." "(Sighs heavily)" "I'm gonna have to sort this out on my own." "Great." "So what's your plan?" "(Sighs)" "I'm gonna liquidate my remaining assets." "Hello, mate." "Um, what's your return policy?" "Refunds issued within 30 days of purchase with a valid receipt." "(Sighs):" "Fantastic." "That's, um..." "(Clears throat)" "The items must be intact." "Well, I just asked you to state your return policy, and you didn't mention anything about the intactness of the items." "It's implied. (Sighs)" "I can give you $12 back for the retro vintage mason jar mug." " Okay." " It'll go back to the credit card used for the original purchase." "Well, uh... hang on." "Uh, scratch that." "I think I'll keep it, then." "Okay." "Cheers, mate." "Thank you." "_" "Anything in there about how to extinguish a spark?" "I'm trying to figure out how to help my parents communicate better." " I'm worried about them." " Worry about me." " (Groans)" " I can't sleep, I can't eat... except for sour cream and onion potato chips... and the blood rushes through my ears every time I think about Sofia." "You know, I think you're in love." "I can't be in love." "She's my future sister-in-law." "Well, true, that part is suboptimal, but it's exciting that you're really into someone." " Your heart works!" " Okay, I've been into plenty of people." "Sometimes two or three at a time." "Oh, I'm not talking about sex." "I know love hasn't historically been your thing, but isn't it an exciting feeling?" "You know, even if you can't act on it in this particular case." "Just tell me how to get rid of these feelings, ASAP." "Hey." "Aversion therapy." "When I was 12," "I had a huge crush on Mason Deering." "But he was my best friend's boyfriend." " Nonstarter, right?" " Mm-hmm." "No!" "No." "So every time I thought of Mason," "I would make myself smell something really gross." "This brand... is really pungent." "It smells like hot dog water." "Pretty soon I started to associate Mason with things that repulse me." "As crazy as it sounds, the crush eventually faded away." "(Doorbell rings)" "Hi." "I thought you were spending the evening with your parents." "Oh, I was going to, but I needed a break." "And I figured we could just..." " curl up on your couch, and..." " Uh-huh." "Wh-Where is your couch?" "And... all of your furniture?" "Um..." "I'm trying a new, uh... minimalist thing at the moment." "You know?" "Like... simpler is better." "Yeah, well, it... certainly is simple in here now." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, I just, um... feel like I can breathe again." "Aren't you worried you'll be..." "Unencumbered?" "Freed from the tyranny of materialism?" "I was going to say" " "bored."" " Absolutely no chance of that." "Let me prove it to you." "♪ Ooh... ♪" "♪ I feel it coming ♪" "♪♪" "♪ Do you feel it coming?" "♪" "♪ You make me want to stomp clap ♪" "♪ Stomp clap ♪" "♪ Stomp clap ♪" "♪ Stomp clap ♪" " ♪ Stomp clap, stomp clap ♪ - ♪ Stomp clap, stomp clap ♪" "♪♪" "(Clink)" "Okay." "Um," " a movie." " (Grunting)" "Uh..." "Okay." "You're, uh... you're in a tunnel, you're digging, you're, uh, uh..." " (Blowing)" " Someone's blowing at you." "Very hot." "You're flying." " You're having a fit." "Um..." " (Whimpers, laughs)" "You're going really fast." " Boxing!" "Rocky!" " (Shouting)" "You're speeding!" "Oh, Speed!" "Um, Speed 2:" "Cruise Control, with the guy who isn't Keanu Reeves!" " Yes!" "Yes!" " Oh, yes!" " Mwah." " Oh!" " My God." " You were right." "We don't need a bunch of stuff to have fun." "And call me tipsy, but I think we're getting better at charades with each glass of wine." "We're like this." "(Gasps)" " Maybe that's what my parents need." " Charades?" " Wine." " Oh." "On a boat." "Like Speed 2." "I'm gonna get them tickets for a sunset wine cruise." "That's a really good idea." "When my mom has a couple of drinks in her, she does not hold back her feelings." " I got to get tickets." " It's the middle of the night." " Right." "Tomorrow." " Right." "Tomorrow." " Gonna get tickets tomorrow." " Okay." "For a sunset wine cruise." "Four hours, sailing around the Sound." "You know, the beauty and romance and alcohol will open those communication channels right up." "(Thunder rumbling)" "(Pirate voice):" "Welcome, welcome, welcome." "Are you ready for your harbor cruise?" "There must be some kind of mistake." "We actually booked tickets for the sunset wine cruise." "(Regular voice):" "Oh." "Yeah." "Sorry." "We accidentally double-booked it." "All that's left is the pirate cruise." "(Pirate voice):" "What do you mateys think?" "Want to walk the plank?" " Um..." " Yeah?" " Yeah, come on, let's go." " (Cackles)" " (Evie and Gary chuckle)" " CAPTAIN:" "M'ladies." "Four more Hold Onto Your Booty rum cocktails for ya scalawags." "So, when do we set sail?" "Alas, our vessel is a landlubber forevermore." " She's not seaworthy, I'm afraid." " So we're... staying here?" "Aye." "We are." "Wow." "His commitment to his character's outstanding." "EVIE:" "So, is there anything you guys want to talk about?" "Specifically you, Mom." "Well, I'd love to talk about getting another one" " of these delicious booty-drinks." " Sure thing." "(Chuckles)" "Do you mind going and getting us another round while I, uh," " handle this?" " Yeah, sure." "Thank you. (Chuckles)" "Mmm." " EVIE:" "They're good." "Mm-hmm." " GARY:" "Yeah, very good." "What are ya doin'?" "Pillaging?" "Why don't we start with a seaweed salad for the table." "And then I would love a Scurvy Sandwich." "And a... a Treasure Chest Chicken Breast for her." "Thank you." "What do you know, he's making a decision for me without asking first." "M..." " Nobody asks Gloria what Gloria wants." " M..." " They just order for Gloria." " XAVIER:" "Evie, we might have a bit of a problem." " No kidding." " What if I want to order for myself, huh?" "What if I don't want" "Treasure Breasts Chicken..." "Chest?" "What if I dance on this bench, huh?" "!" " (Chuckles)" " Or walk on the plank." "Ooh." " No." " What are you gonna do?" "You think you're gonna decide for me whether or not I walk on the plank?" " 'Cause I'm gonna decide, for once," " Be careful." "and I'm gonna..." " (Shouts) - (Shouting)" "Gloria!" "Gloria!" "(Sputtering)" "I'm so sorry." "I thought this would be good for you guys." "Oh, sweetie." "It's not your fault that your father constantly makes unilateral decisions on behalf of both of us." "It's just his way." "And it's also not your fault that your mother got drunk and ruined an otherwise perfectly civilized stationary pirate cruise." "Cherish these early days of your relationship, honey." "'Cause it's never quite like that again." "So, since it looks like we overbooked our treatment rooms, the couples massage room is all that's available." " Oh..." " Well, we don't mind that at all." " Right, Kareema?" " Sure." "Sure." "Why not?" "No reason why not." "Great." "Your therapists will be in momentarily." "♪♪" "(Moaning)" "(Inhales)" "(Shutter clicking)" " Smells like T-Spirit!" " (Shouts)" " I thought you were in the bathroom." " I was in the bathroom." "Then I come back to find you making duck lip at your phone." " I wasn't making duck lip." " You were making duck lip." " I don't even know what that is." " That was all duck lip." "And duck lip is no way to get a second date." "Well, I've already had the second date." "Oh." "And it was even better than the first." "I haven't felt this kind of a connection since..." " well, you know." " Yeah, yeah." "I really think that this could be the beginning of something... not awful." "Well, I'm happy for you, man." "I'm glad you're more optimistic than I am." "What, things didn't go so well with Deirdre?" " She didn't like any of my noises." " What?" "Afterward, I did something I shouldn't have done." "I Googled her." "I Googled her hard." "Okay, what'd you find?" " Want to know what I found?" " Yeah." "D.D. Montana." "Her pen name." "Take My Dictation." "A self-published erotic business thriller in which Harvard MBA and former underwear model Sebastian Stone helps his tough yet sexy female boss Ariella Strong execute a hostile yet sexy takeover of a billion-dollar corporation." ""Ariella's firm, grapefruit-like bosoms quivered" ""as Sebastian's thick fingers slowly unscrewed" ""the white corrective fluid and began to drip it all over" " her..." Oh, wow." " Yeah." "She made, like, a dozen of them." "Now you know what her thing is." "You know what to do." "I do?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh..." "I was thinking of doing a portrait series in a sauna." " Oh, that's..." " When people look their most relaxed and beautiful." "Just like you are, right now." "(Sighs) Wouldn't the lens get all steamed up, though?" "So that's probably..." "I like it steamy." " Oh." " Don't you?" "(Exhales)" "I'm actually getting a little dizzy." "I-I should get away..." "I... get some air." "I mean, I really just..." " I need to tell you something." " Please don't." " We're not in love." " I know we're not in love." " You're marrying my brother." " No, me and Rohan." "We met in Caracas." "We became good friends." "He's helping me come to this country to continue my work." "It's a green card marriage." "So you're not into my brother?" "No." "I'm into you." "(Clinking)" "What's this?" " A collection agency?" " (Sighs)" "I didn't give my stuff away." "Some very rude men came and took it." "Your stuff got repossessed?" "Yeah." "I'm in debt." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because I didn't want to burden you." "You know?" "You're dealing with enough." "I'm dealing with the fact that my parents don't talk to one another." "Please, let's not be like my parents." "Can we not make a thing out of this right now?" "But it is a thing." "It's multiple things." "You're not being up-front about your financial situation." "And you still haven't told me anything about your father." "Because these are hard things to talk about, Evie, you know?" "They're... complicated and they're painful." "That's the point." "If I've learned one thing from this week with my parents, it's that there are peaks and valleys." "The one constant has to be that we're a team and that we face it all together." "Let's deal with this, okay, one piece at a time." "Okay." "Okay." "Well, um, my financial situation is pretty dire right now." "My credit's shot." "I'm probably gonna have to find a new place to live." "Wow." "That... is a valley." "(Sighs) Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, okay?" "I'm just..." "I didn't want the bloom to come off the rose." "Okay." "Um, look, we will figure out your financial situation." "I'm great with spreadsheets." "And in the meantime... you just helped me figure out how to actually repay my parents." "You again." "Hello." "You guys wouldn't happen to have any New Year's decorations, would you?" "It's the middle of October." "Of course we do." "Great." "Aisle four." "Okay." "Shh!" "They could be listening." "What are you doing?" "The DornaTech merger has hit a roadblock." "I suspect corporate espionage." "Where did you hear the name "DornaTech"?" "Don't worry, Ariella." "I've brought the white corrective fluid." "That was my secret creative outlet." "How did you know about that?" "I found it online?" "You need to go!" "I'm sorry." "I..." "I just wanted to make you feel like how you make me feel, you know, with my ear." "I thought I could be your Sebastian Stone." "I feel like an idiot." "(Indistinct male voice on TV)" " Thanks, Mom." " Mm-hmm." "Nice having you home, bro." " Mom never cooks this much for me!" " (Laughs)" "(Quietly):" "Uh, I can't believe you didn't tell me it was a green-card marriage." "Oh, man." "Sofia was not supposed to tell you that." "We, uh, bonded at the spa." "Yeah, well, the fewer people that know, the less chance we have of getting caught." "I won't say anything, I promise." "Yeah, you better not." "If she gets deported, I'll honestly be devastated." "Wow." "You're a really good friend to her." "It's not just that." "I'm in love with her." "Um... does Sofia know how you feel?" "No." "When I first agreed to the marriage, we were just friends, and... then my feelings... evolved." "And it wouldn't be fair to tell her now." "She really needs that green card." "We're just gonna get married, and maybe in time, the right... the right moment will present itself." "Yeah." "I do not know what I'm doing." "(Laughs)" "I've just never felt this way before." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, I think I do." "Yeah..." "(Sighs) So what are we doing here?" "Just go on into the living room, and you will find out, okay?" " Go, go, go!" " (Gloria gasps)" " (Door closes)" " Oh." "Holy time warp." "("Auld Lang Syne" playing)" " Wow!" "Look at this!" " Ah!" "It's just like our first New Year's together!" "(Laughs) Baked beans and hot dog buns." "Look... we're even snowed in." "GLORIA:" "Do you remember how we got out of there?" "(Chuckles) Yeah." "I boosted you through the bathroom window." " Yeah." " And you shoveled out the front door." "I was so tired, you had to pull me on that saucer sled, like," " a mile and a half back to town." " Yeah, yeah." "Oh!" "I mean, back then, we didn't have anything, but we didn't need anything." "I miss being a team with you." "Me, too." "(Sighs)" "I'm sorry that" "I didn't talk to you before quitting my job." "I don't want to stifle your dream, but I need to know that we're in this together." "We are." "GLORIA:" "We're going to say good night now." "GARY:" "Yeah, we, um..." "We have a lot of communicating to do." "(Laughs)" "Please don't pop the air mattress." " Can't make any promises." " Oh." "Ew." "Evie." "Thank you." " Oh." " _" "It is so lovely, watching you and your family together." "It's a rare thing." "What do you mean?" "You're so close, and you take care of each other." "I wish I had that." "Well, maybe you could." "You know, it's your choice." "(Sighs)" "I'll think about it." "You're so quiet, Hank." "Tell us a joke." "What did the hat say to the necktie?" "(High-pitched squeal over P.A.)" "DEIRDRE:" "Sebastian Stone." "Sebastian Stone, please report to the janitor's closet." "Where are you going?" "You never finished your joke." "Oh, yeah, because I forgot the punch line, and I got to go get it from my desk, 'cause I-I have it on my desk." "I'm gonna go get it." " (Sighs) We kissed." " Who kissed?" "I tried to talk to my brother about it..." " You kissed your brother?" "!" " No." "I kissed Sofia." "Who's only marrying my brother for a green card." "But before I could tell Rohan I like her, he told me he actually loves her." " Whoa." " (Sighs)" "I almost wish you had kissed your brother." " That would have been easier to solve." " I know!" "(Sighs)" "(Sniffs deeply)" "(Sighs) Oh!" "These don't work, by the way!" "They get you high, but they don't... work." "This is why I don't do feelings." "Because the feeling you feel when you can't be with the one you want is worse than not feeling the feeling in the first place." "Look, I promise you will feel these feelings" " for someone else someday." " (Sighs)" "And it won't come with all this baggage." "But until then, maybe you should limit your time with Sofia as much as possible." "Otherwise, it'll just be torture." "Oh, you're right." "I hate that you're right, but I know you're right." "(Sputters)" "(Phone chimes)" "_" "_" "(Phone whooshes)" "(Laughing)" "(Both panting)" " (Phone rings, playing tune)" " Oh." "T-Jay Max, what's up?" "!" "TIMOTHY:" "Oh, just killing time before date number three." "Damn!" "You're on a roll!" "You sound out of breath." "Have you been exercising?" "Yup." "Lot of reps." "Oh, uh, Fern is here." "I-I..." "I got to go." "Wait." "Your TrueSoulMate's name is Fern?" "Uh, her real name's Francis, but everyone calls her Fern." "Okay?" "Later, skater." "Fernberger!" "♪♪" " Hey." " Hi." "So my dad got a part-time job to tide him over between auditions." "You'll never guess where." "I am Handsome Jack." "And I am Wench Wendy Greybeard." "Few men have seen her grey beard and lived to tell the tale." "Oh, my God." "I decided I'm gonna suck it up and get a job, too." " Though not that one." " (Laughs)" "That's great." "What's that?" "Uh, that is eighth grade science fair." "Won first place." "My dad helped me build this volcano with, um, you know, like, ammonium dichromate so it actually sparked." "He had his moments." "Sounds like it." "He also drank a fair bit and was hardly around." "And when my mom died, things got pretty dark." "I just realized if I was gonna survive," "I needed to break free of him, so..." "I did." "And you haven't been in touch with him since?" "No." "No, I can't be." "Last time I spoke to him, sent me into a downward spiral for, like, six months." "I've only got seven months left to live." "I can't risk it." "Well, you're also risking never having closure and catharsis." "And this time, you won't spiral." "You've got me." "XAVIER: "Hello, son." ""I won't mince words." ""I wanted you to know I'm not the same man I used to be." ""I suspect you're not, either." ""And I have much to share with you." ""Likewise, I wonder what you might say to me," ""given the chance, and how well I might be able to hear it." ""I'd like to find out." "Until then..."" "You okay?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "Yup." "Are you gonna write him back?" "(Sighs)" "One step at a time." "Okay." "Yeah, it's just, um..." "it's a process, you know?" "I'm proud of you." "And I have a little something for you." "Just come with me." "(Birds singing)" "What are these?" "My dad made these for us." "Oh, my God." "He shouldn't have." "It's-it's actually pretty..." " Oh!" " Oh!" "(Both laughing)" "Do you know what?" "It was still really nice of him." "I wish you could have seen your f... (Yelps)"