"Come on, Joe." "Buff that sucker." " What'd I teach you?" " (spits)" " (chuckles)" " Sanitary." "Is Joe applying for a job in a train station in 1940?" "Just teaching him a few things every man should know." "Someone has to get in there early, or sometimes the kid turns out funny." "Knock, knock." " Hey, Phil." " Hey, guys." "Phil, in here!" "PHIL:" "You ready to tackle your website?" "I know I'm here a little early." "I thought I was gonna be " "Do you recognize that?" "Are you kidding?" "I love your sauce." "Some of it fell out of my burrito last night, and I licked it right off the remote." "That's Auntie Alice's new sauce!" "She stole my recipe!" "I know." "I am the crazy Colombian that always loses her temper and needs to be calmed down by the white people." "No!" "I don't think you're being crazy enough." "I'm not a violent man, but I know how nuts it can make you to create something special only to have it stolen from you." "Do you remember a hit song called "Happy?"" "Yeah, it was like a couple of years ago with the clapping and the hat." "A couple of years ago, huh?" "So a full four years after this burst on the scene." "♪ Because I'm snappy ♪" "♪ Snap with me if you think that today is a good day ♪" "♪ That's right, I'm snappy ♪" "♪ Snap with me if you took a test and you go-o-t an A ♪" "♪ You see, I'm snappy ♪" "Sounds just a little similar, right?" " A little, but " " Thank you!" "But do you think that he saw this?" "Um, it had 27 views." "Come on." "We're going down to that market to make that old bat cease and desist." "I will not stand idly by while Auntie Alice Pharrell Williamses you." " Where are you two going?" " To the market." "We need olives!" "And then when the lights go out, she'll be able to read the glow-in-the-dark ink on your T-shirt." " Oh, my God." "She's gonna love it." " She?" "Who's she?" " What are you guys working on?" " (both) Nothing." "Oh, okay." "I get it, yeah." "He's " " I'll just be down in the bedroom, you know, at the end of the -- at the end of the hall." "Hey, thanks for your help." "I really like this girl, and there's just so much pressure to do something spectacular when you ask a girl out to prom." "(air hissing) Is there something wrong with your air vents?" "No, Cam breathes through his nose when he hides." "A promposal?" "To who?" "Laurie Vock?" "Oh, no." "She's Ian Jacobs' girl." "Melanie Rylance?" "You have to be careful with her." "She has more cold sores than Abby Burmeister." "But seriously, Luke, everything you say here is completely confidential." "Oh, you know, they are looking for chaperones for prom, and I thought maybe we could " "No, we have tickets to the opening of "Cabaret" that night." "I'm not missing it so I can tell some teenage girl to keep her dress on." "I spent my own prom doing that." "Okay, can I just point out the absurdity that you ask this uncle to advise you and not this uncle, who hung a Valentine's banner outside of his office that said, "Mitchell, you're the best husband, father, and lover."" "Didn't love all three of those being rolled into one sentence." "Sounded a little Ozark-y." " No, Cam." "Stop." " What?" "Luke's just looking for an adviser who's a little more understated and a little less, you know..." "David Stuart." "Oh, I get it." " He's quite gay." " Yes, I got it." "Okay, well, you know what?" "I would hate to muck up your promposal with my flair and panache." "I'm sure the lucky girl will swoon with delight when you use a mustard bottle to write "Wanna go?" on her turkey burger." "(cellphone rings) Hello?" "CLAIRE:" "There's an intruder in the house." "What?" "!" "But you have nothing to worry about with Pritchett's Guardian 3000 Closet, which doubles as a military-grade panic room." " So no intruder?" " No!" "I'm just so excited about this idea." "I'm debuting it next week at ClosetCon." "What do you think?" "I think I'm studying for finals." "Can't you scare the crap out of a focus group?" "(doorbell rings) Like I'm gonna share my best closet idea with a room full of strangers four days before the most hotly anticipated storage convention in North America." "Good point." "You do have Haley's number, right?" "♪ Ooh, do-do-do-do, do-do-do ♪ ♪ From the first time that I saw your face ♪" "♪ Ooh, do-do-do, do-do-do, ay-ee-ay ♪ ♪ I knew you could mine ♪" "♪ Ahh ♪" "Alex Dunphy, would you make me the happiest cat in school and swing by prom with me?" "Sha-Na-nope." "(computer beeps) Hey, Jerry." "For some reason, I'm locked out of my computer." "Apparently, someone tried to access my e-mail before I got in." "(sighs)" "Someone hell-bent on leaking company secrets." "It is four days until C-Con, and Pritchett's Closets has a mole." "No one is above suspicion." "Margaret, where were you this morning at 9:45 a.m.?" "MARGARET:" "I'm so sorry I was late." "I was at Overeaters Anonymous." "I woke up next to the ice cream again." "So not Margaret." "I know who that locker belongs to." "I can't believe you're asking that cheap Ho to the prom." " Cam!" " Sarah Ho!" "She gave me a $5 gift card for Teacher Appreciation Day." "(birds cooing) What's with the birds?" "Oh, these are just some turtledoves for Manny's promposal." "You're joking." "You felt so slighted over Luke asking me that you foisted yourself on Manny?" "There was no foisting." "I asked Manny if he needed help." "He was too proud to admit that he did, so here we are." "Is it possible there's something deeper going on with you around this whole prom area?" "Is it possible you're second-guessing your no-frills approach?" "Especially compared to turtledoves, backup dancers, and dry ice so Manny can appear in a cloud of mist." "A cloud of mist?" "Like in a movie?" "Is our thing gonna seem lame now?" "Steady." "Now, now." "I'm sure your thing is fine." "What did your little locker note say?" ""Go to the gym."" "Intriguing." "What delights await her in the gym?" "Another note telling her to go to the parking lot." "Well, I should help Manny set up." "Should I be worried?" "Don't freak me out right now, okay?" " It's fine." "Just fine." " Okay." "All right." "You don't have to use it, but at least you'll have it." "Hello, Auntie Alice." "Or should she say Auntie Malice?" "No, Gloria's right." "It's Alice." "I didn't know you were in today." "You're in -- trouble!" "Is he okay?" " You stole my sauce!" " What?" "Uh, I'm sorry." "Maybe you don't hear so good." "She said, "You... stole... her... sauce."" "Wow." "That's spicy." "That's not the sauce she stole." "That's her Volcano sauce." "In her ad, one drop turns a hockey rink into a swimming pool." "It's her new sauce, the one that tastes just like mine." "How are you going to explain that?" "Yeah, we want answers and a little bread." "Your fight's not with me." "I'm not really Auntie Alice." "Oh, come on." "Your cute face is in the bottle!" "Auntie Alice is a brand that was created by a big corporation." "So they were the ones who stole my sauce?" "They steal all kinds of products." "And they have an army of lawyers just ready to crush anyone who challenges them." "So we just have to take it?" "Ow!" " It's in my eye!" " Oh!" "Please don't repeat any of this, or I could lose my job." "I'm still paying off my improv classes." "How is this food?" "!" "This will probably be yours someday, so no reason you shouldn't learn to do this." "Does Manny know how to change oil?" " Bath oils." " What?" "Bath oil?" "There's my guy." "Let me grab the dipstick." "This stick?" "Ow!" "Manny." "Okay." "I just briefed the team." "Dry ice is ready." "Bow ties are on the birds." "Save it, Cam." "Megan already said yes to Shawn Reeves." "He asked her last period." "Oh, I'm so sorry, Manny." "Can't really blame her." "I mean, you try saying no to Shawn Reeves with his weatherman smile and his exotic Canadian accent." "Well, there must be someone else you can ask." "No, that's okay." "There's always next year." "At least this way I can see the opening of "Cabaret."" "Oh, please." "It's just "Cabaret."" "It's been revived more times than Dick Cheney." "Okay." "You're not missing your prom." "Cam..." "I'm getting the feeling this is much more important to you than it is to me." "Well, maybe because I didn't get to go to mine." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, it's a painful story." "(chuckles)" "I get it." "Some things are better left unsaid." "Her name was Tina Day." "We were just friends, but I was so into asking her," "I rented a white stallion and a suit of armor." "I wanted it to be a whole "Knight and Day" theme." " (chuckles)" " Hm." "I was promposing before it was even a thing." "I rode up her driveway, and I could see when she opened the door through the little slits in my helmet what her answer was gonna be." "She wanted a traditional prom night with a guy she could lose her virginity to." "I couldn't blame her." "I wanted the same thing." " (chuckles) - (sighs)" "There's always Melanie Rylance, but you wouldn't want me to ask someone " "Delta, ready the dancers and dove cannon." "Poor lady." "I feel terrible for screaming at her like that." "I blame myself." "I blame yourself, too." "I'm sorry." "I'm just kind of going through something." "I got bumped from Lily's career day this morning by a periodontist." "That's right " " My job is less interesting that root rot." "Who cares about a bunch of third graders?" "You love being a real-estate agent." "First of all, I'm not just a real-estate agent." "I'm a Realtor." "I'm a member of a national association, a brotherhood, sworn to the Realtor Code of Ethics!" "That's what this "R" stands for." "Though, lately, it feels like it stands for "regret."" "I know everything there is to know about real estate, and nobody seems to care." "Maybe I have the most boring job in the world." "No, Phil." "Closets is the most boring job in the world." "(gasps)" "Ay, poor thing." "She has to take the bus." "Let's offer her a ride." "Yes, yes." "(car alarm chirps)" "A Maserati?" "She lied to us!" "(engine revs)" " iSiguela!" " iSiguela!" "No, that means "follow her."" "Oh." "(cellphone rings)" " Hello?" " ALEX:" "Hey, Mom." "How do you turn on the sprinklers for the front lawn?" "Uh, it's a little control box by the front door." " Why?" " No reason." "Look, now that I've got you on the phone," "I'm thinking it might be time to upgrade our Internet security." "Thoughts?" "Get rid of the Post-it note on your laptop with your password on it." "Why are you so worried about security?" "It's my first ClosetCon as C.E.O., and I am dealing with corporate espionage." "Well, if you're so worried about it, why don't you just call Grandpa?" "Do you know how that would look?" "I mean, it's bad enough to go to the person who had your job before you, but when that person is Daddy..." "Honey, closet people are ruthless." "They'd eat me alive." "Or maybe the world isn't filled with heartless monsters." "(knock on door)" "Hi." "My phone is wet." "Can you call my mom?" "Hey, guys." "Sorry I'm late." "I just got off the horn with Rick Friedman over at Shelf Involved." "That poor guy." "Someone there has given away corporate secrets. (scoffs)" "Makes me so glad that we just upgraded our whole security system." "I mean, we got hidden cameras around this place that I don't even know about." "(chuckles)" "So, we got a cake for Margaret's birthday." "Mm-hmm." "Fun." " How you doing, Ben?" " (gulps)" "(chuckles nervously) Me?" "I'm good." "I am good." "I am chill." "I'm gonna go to the bathroom, so..." "It's not really my birthday." "I just wanted cake." "I eat garbage because I am garbage." "(cellphone rings)" "Hey, Dad." "Hi." "Um, listen." "Can I call you back?" "JAY:" "Just wanted to confirm we're on for dinner at " "Oh, got another call." "One sec." "Yeah, I think she's onto us." "Yeah, a lot of mole talk." "I think we just need to calm things d" "What?" "You're talking to her right now?" "Yeah, okay, bye." "So, we're on for tonight?" " Sure." " Great." "And, hey, you sound a little tense." "Don't let the job make you crazy, huh?" "You go that route, soon you're seeing plots everywhere." "Great tip, Dad." "Aah!" "You're spying for my dad!" "What?" "No!" "Yes." "I'm sorry." "I don't know why I agreed." "I just look up to your dad so much." "I can't believe he doesn't trust me." "Why did he put me in charge, then?" "I don't know, but I can find out." "I'll double-agent." "I've been working this game since my parents' divorce." "I was the only 10-year-old in Great Neck with no bedtime and Diners Club card." "Fine." "Don't make any plans for tonight." " You're coming to dinner with me." " All right." "Um, can we stop by my house to change my shoes?" "I didn't make it up here on the first try." "(scoffs)" "All right." "The dove cannon is loaded, the dancers are stretching, the dry ice is billowing." "The moment you get her outside, I will cue the team." "Oh, there she is." "Okay." "Go." "All right, team." "Look alive." "We are hot." "We are hot." " Melanie." "Listen " " Manny." "Do you want to go to prom with me?" "Uh, sure." "(chuckles)" "Oh, hey." "You got a second?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I'm second." "You're first." "I get it." "You win everything." "That seems like something I'm gonna hear about later." "I need help with Luke's promposal, okay?" "Can you go to the gym, wait for Sarah, and then hand her this?" " Okay, this is what I've been reduced to?" " Yeah." "Delivering an [sniffs] unperfumed envelope like a common bellhop?" " Fine." " Thank you." "Okay." "Stand down, everybody." "Little Bear's gone rogue." "Wait." "Grayson!" "Hey." "(laughs)" " Hey, Coach." " Hey." "Don't suppose you're planning on asking anyone to prom." "Um, I don't think we're allowed to go with teachers." "That's not what..." "So, this is the house that stolen sauce built. (doorbell rings)" "I'm so angry that I don't even know what I'm gonna say to her!" "Ah, so, this is the house that the stolen sauce built!" "Oh, I know what you're thinking, but this isn't my house." "I just come here to get my paycheck." "Grandma, my shower's broken." "I'm gonna use the one in the guesthouse." "Whoa." "Please be my new piano teacher." "(sighs) Fine." "I'm Auntie Alice." "Auntie Thief and Auntie Liar." "Yeah, yeah." "I'm sure we can work something out." "Who's your patent lawyer?" "I don't have one." "I know." "I patented your sauce this morning." "Have a good trip home, kids." "I am so sorry, Phil, that I wasted your whole day, but I am more sorry of what I'm gonna do to your car!" "Gloria, we're above that." "But not everyone would be." "You should put that beauty in your garage." " I don't have one." " Oh, really?" "Just out of curiosity, do you not have a garage because you converted it into the guesthouse where your grandson's currently showering?" "What's your game, mister?" "I just find it interesting that you have a fully plumbed stand-alone dwelling on your property." "That's none of your business." "Even more peculiar, your grandson appears to live here, but judging by his T-shirt, he goes to Eden Mills High, an elite public school 12 miles outside of your district." "Oh, maybe with the money you saved on private schools, you paid for the new two-sided brick fireplace I saw, which hasn't been legal since 1988." "Go, Phil, go!" "Pull the sauce, Big Al, or Monday morning, the city's here with a bulldozer, and your grandson goes to a school with a metal detector." "How do you know all this?" "What are you -- some kind of real-estate agent?" "No." "He's a Realtor." "There is a difference somehow!" "(doors open)" "Oh, hey, kids." "Actually, I'm waiting for Sarah, so if I could have the room for just a -- a minute." "Thank -- Okay, funny." "Whoever turned out the lights, please turn them back on." "They're not working." "Might be a fuse." "(cellphone rings)" "Oh, um..." "Mitchell, we have a problem." "MITCHELL:" "No, we don't." "I mean, unless you're busy that night." "Are " " Are you asking me to prom?" "Well, you know, they need chaperones." "Mitchell, this is the sweetest thing you've ever done for me." "I-I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I never got to go to my own prom." "It's come up." "What about Luke's promposal?" "Well, your husband, who couldn't plan anything romantic with a gun to his head, may have pulled off two promposals at once." " Mm-hmm." " Hey." "Do you have any idea who put that note in my locker asking me to be a part of this thing?" "Oh, yeah, it was my uncle." "It's pretty clever how he turned out the lights." "I said, "Turned out the lights"!" "Oh, my God!" "Yes!" "Oh!" "That's so sweet." "I..." "And I can't believe I'm finally going to prom." "I can't believe I finally have a happy memory" " in a high-school gym." " (laughs)" " CLAIRE:" "Joe did that to you?" " JAY:" "Yeah." " Slammed a car hood on it." " Why?" "I owed him money." "It slipped while I was teaching him to check oil." "Well, that's pretty advanced for a 3-year-old." "What can I say?" "I believe in my kids." " Thank you." "Mmm." " Mm." " Looks good." "Thank you." " Mm-hmm." "Very nice." "Let's quickly go over the plan." " My dad's gonna be here any minute." " Mm-hmm." "We're doing this in stages." "One finger means you text him" ""We're closing the blinds division."" "Our biggest earner?" "He's gonna lose it if I tell him we're shuttering blinds." "Two fingers, we're partnering with Rod Bushmill." "That sleazebag represents everything your father spent an entire career fighting against." " Three fingers, we're not going to ClosetCon." " Wha" "Are you trying to teach your father a lesson or crush his soul?" "Just business, kid." "Monster." " Looks good." "Thank you." " Mm-hmm." "(cellphone vibrates) (sighs)" "So... with all this prom stuff coming up, is your house as topsy-turvy as ours is?" "Not really." "Manny's taking this girl." "She's nothing special, but solid." " Mm." " Reliable." "A lot like our blinds division." "You know -- not sexy, but " "No, Dad." "No shop talk." "You've had enough of that for a lifetime." "(cellphone vibrates) Wow, your phone is really blowing up tonight." "Mm." "Two old-fashioneds." " Thank you." " Oh, thank you." "Okay." "Here." "You know what else seems old-fashioned to me nowadays?" " Mm?" " Integrity." "Maybe because I spent my career fighting the sleazeballs in our industry." "You know -- the Rod Bushmill types." "Rod's a sweetheart." "He bought me lunch last week." "We got to talking about whether or not we " "(scoffs) What am I doing?" " Jibber-jabbering about work." " Mm." "So, that little grease monkey Joe is 3." "Hard to believe." "3." "They grow up so fast." "(cellphone vibrates)" "Got to be nice, though, Dad, knowing that your company is in good hands and you can stay home all day long and just play with your kid." " Have you lost your mind?" " Well, not all day, obviously." "3-year-olds are nothing but bipolar germ buckets." "You're skipping out on ClosetCon?" " Who told you that?" " Ben." "That little weasel told me everything." "Listen, I can tolerate shutting down the blinds, even Rod Bushmill, but not showing up for ClosetCon, you're asking not to be taken seriously." "My God, Claire!" "We're one strong season away from being invited to Expo Internationale Du Closets!" "(sighs)" "Why are you looking at me like that?" "'Cause I'm not doing any of those things." "I told that little weasel Ben to text you those things when I found out that he was spying for you." "And, by the way, it doesn't feel very nice to know that you don't think that I can run your company." "That's not why I did it." "I thought maybe you could use a little support." "You're staring down the barrel of your first ClosetCon." "So you spied on me?" "I mean, you could have given me a call." "And tell you that you're not doing your job?" "That would have gone over fine with you." "Need any help?" " No!" " No." "I mean, look at us." "Why can't we both admit that we could use each other's help right now?" "Are we too proud to even do that?" "I'll admit it if you will." "Fine." "On 3." "1... 2... 3." " Will you crack my lobster?" " I want to come back to work." " What?" "!" " Damn it!" "Oh, my God." "You want to come back to work?" "I miss it, okay?" "You know how it is when you have closets in your blood." "I'm going crazy in retirement." "Why are you smiling at me like that?" "Because we're so similar." "Do you know how many times I've wanted to call you to ask for your help or advice, but I was afraid I would look weak?" "(sighs)" "Here." "You crack this." "Give me that." "I'll open these things." "Well, Dad, what do you think about coming back to work " "I don't know -- one or two days a week?" " What I was thinking was, I'd have a staff of five." " Mm-hmm." " My own building." " What?" "And I report to no one." "(chuckles) I'm kidding." "I'll put a desk in the copy room." "And, by the way, I've known you for a long time." "The last thing you need to worry about is looking weak." "MITCHELL:" "It's not always easy to ask for what you want, whether it's a little romance... or a little help or a little respect." " So, I admire you for asking " " I don't." "We both know why they're asking." "No, you may not use our upstairs apartment for an after party." " (groans)" " Oh." "Lame." " You look ravishing, my sweet." " We said no talking." "Come on!" "Come on!" " I'm thirsty." " I'll tell you when you're thirsty." "Come on." "Let me feel that power." "Come on." "Make that leather sing!" "All right." "Come on." "Get on your bike." "Back up." "Get on your bike." "Come on." "They can't hit you if they can't reach you." "My pants are falling." "Well, pull 'em up." "Pull 'em up high to your nipples." "That prevents a low blow." "What's a low blow?" "Fantastic." "I have to emcee a poetry retrospective tomorrow, and this shawl collar's got more wrinkles than last night's "Downton Abbey."" "That is."