"That's it, Donna." "Now you've cracked the left side." "Now crack the right side." "There you go." "Now you're crackin'." "Donna, you have talented fingers." "You could do a neck-crackin' concert at Carnegie Hall." "Why are you so tense this morning, Fred?" "Didn't you sleep well?" "No." "I watched the Late, Late Show, and I had a nightmare and got this crick." "Why?" "What was on?" "Dracula." "See, Bela Lugosi was circling all around my room... and I kept jerking my neck out the way." "Ain't no mark there, is there?" "You really had a nightmare, didn't you?" "First thing that scared me, I thought he might try and nibble on my neck." "And the second thing that scared me, I thought I might like it." "But I'm sure glad you came by, honey." "Nothing's too good for my fiancé." "Of course, that was just for medicinal purposes." "Listen, can you refill that prescription on the lips?" "Fred, it's only 8:00 in the morning." "Well, the clock of love has no hands." "You're real romantic, aren't you?" "Yeah." "See, my lips are rated X. But we over 18." " Oh, good morning, Lamont." " Good morning, son." "Sorry for interrupting." "But I didn't think... you'd have company this early in the morning." "I asked Donna to come by because I had this crick." "In your lips?" " You are feeling better now, Fred?" " Yeah, I'm feeling fine." "See?" "That's terrific, Pop." "Now you can pose for police pictures." "I've got to be going." "I've got a patient waiting for me." "Well, thanks a lot, Donna." "I sure appreciate you coming by." "And listen, I sure wish you had more time so you could do my feet." "'Cause you do feet almost as good as you do necks." "How is she on giblets?" " I'll see you tonight, Fred." " All right, Donna." "And listen, Donna, to show my appreciation... tonight I'm gonna fix a special dinner for us with wine and candlelight." "Oh, that sounds lovely." "Bye." "Bye, Lamont." "Crazy 'bout her." "I sure am glad that's over with." "The way you two were carrying on, it was like she was going off to war." "No, it's just that when I'm around Donna, my heart say..." "Well, that's because you got sludge in your crank case." "Say, where you going?" "You ain't had your breakfast." "Because getting your neck cracked was more important than my breakfast." "So I'm going down to the diner." "And now that you got your neck straightened out... why don't you try straightening this house?" "I will." "I will." "See, I got new energy." "After that massage, I'm ready for the big game." "Play ball." "Yeah, I'm ready for the big game, and it's on now." "The Dating Game." "Yeah, Lamont?" "Yeah, I'm coming." "I was cleaning up the house." "Good morning, sir." "May I speak with the lady of the house?" "I'm the lady of the house." "I guess this beard fooled you." "Can I help you?" "Could I interest you in some shortcuts to housecleaning?" "You can interest me in how to cut housecleaning out altogether." " Come right in." " Thank you." "My name is Carol Davis, and I represent Nevins Household Products." "I have something that'll keep you from ever seeing dirt in your house again." "What you got there, blindfolds?" "No." "Just wait till you see these great products, Mr..." "Sanford." "Fred Sanford." "That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period." " Come right in, then." " Well, thank you." "Mr. Sanford, I want you to just look at the steel bristles on this brush." "It's just the thing for you." "Are you kidding?" "That would scrape all the meat off my head." "No." "It isn't for your head." "It's for floors and carpets." "Here's something else that I think you might be interested in." "Say, if that's cockroach killer, you ain't gonna get 'em up there." "Our cockroaches ain't airborne, they infantry." "No." "It's a room freshener." "Disinfects and deodorizes." "Rids your home of noxious odors." "It's called "Paris in the Spring. " Are you familiar with that aroma?" "No, I'm more familiar with "Chicago Stockyards in the Summer. "" " Are you from Chicago?" " No, I'm from St. Louis." "But when the wind was wrong, you'd think you was in Chicago." "St. Louis." "I went to high school there." "Vashon High." "You went to Vashon?" "I used to fool around in the hallways there." "Oh!" "Did you go to Vashon High too?" "No." "I just fooled around in the hallways there." "Well, it's a small world isn't it, Mr. Sanford?" " Call me Fred, and I'll call you..." " Carol." " Carol." "Sit down, Carol." " Well, thank you." "How long have you been in this kind of work?" "Just for the past year." "I decided to do it when my husband passed away." "I was lonely, so I moved out here to live with my sister and I took this job." "Oh, then you're a doer." "See, I like a doer." "The trouble with most women is they're doers before they get married." "Then right after the wedding, they become "diders. "" " Not me." "I was always a doer." " I can tell that." " What's your sign, Carol?" " I'm Aries, the Ram." "No kidding?" "I'm Sagittarius, the Hunter." "Oh, I better run from the hunter." "Yeah, and I'll chase you back into the woods." " Carol, would you like a cup of coffee?" " That'd be nice." " The kitchen's right over here." " Okay." "But let me make the coffee." "You are an Aries, aren't you?" "You like to do, do, do." "And I like it done, done, done." "You certainly have been successful, haven't you, Fred?" "Yeah, I got me a nice little nest egg saved up." "And when my nest egg hatches, I'll say like the airline ads say..." ""I'm Fred." "Fly me to Miami. "" "I know very few men wise enough to plan ahead like that." " What's that?" " That must be Lamont." "It must be lunchtime." "I didn't know it was so late." "Oh, good heavens." "We've been talking for hours." "I really have to be running." "It's amazing how time flies when the conversation's interesting, isn't it?" "Yeah, like sand in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives." "Fred, that's very poetic." "Did you just make that up?" "That's the word Macdonald Carey lives by every day at 12:30, 11:30 central." "Well, I want to thank you, Fred, for all your hospitality." "Well, it's quite all right, but..." "Oh, Lamont." "This is Carol Davis, she sells household products." " Hi." " How do you do?" "Excuse me." "I'm going to fix myself a sandwich." "Nice meeting you." "Well, Fred, I really have to be getting back to work." "I want to thank you again for your hospitality." "Well, listen." "Why don't you come back tonight... and have dinner, and we can talk some more?" "Are you sure?" "That'd be awfully nice." "Well, I'm sure." "Uh, sevenish?" "Perfect." "I usually stop work about sixish." " Me too." "Give us time to freshen up." " Right." " I won't be too fresh." " Oh, Fred, you are funny." " Bye-bye." " Bye." "She got a fine brown frame" "She looks good to me but all I..." "I like her." "Hey son, I invited her back here to have some dinner with us tonight." "You know what sign her?" "She's an Aries." "Aries the Ram." "And I'm Sagittarius." "That makes us compatible." "That's gonna be some compatible dinner tonight... with a ram and a barracuda at the same table." " What?" " Don't you remember, Pop?" "You invited Donna for dinner tonight." "Gee whiz." "That was stupid." "I better go tell her." " You better call her back." " I ain't talking about calling her." " I gotta call Donna." " Call Donna?" "What do you mean?" "I gotta call Donna." "I don't understand you." "I thought you and Donna were engaged." "We are engaged, but tonight I have me another engagement." "Besides, this is the best time to call Donna because she's not home... and I can leave a message with her answering service." "I don't believe you, man." "A woman you just met..." "Hello?" "I'd like to leave a message for Miss Donna Harris." "Yeah." "Sorry, can't make dinner tonight." "Please forgive me." "What?" "Oh, Fred Sanford." "That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period." "Thank you." "Bye." "Let me warn you about something, Casanova." "Now at your age, you can't afford to burn the candle at both ends." "At my age, I look forward to burning the candle at both ends... in the middle, round the side and up the back." "Just so long as the candle burns." "All right." "Don't say I didn't warn you." "Listen, Lamont." "I'm not married." "I still got to sow some wild oats." "At your age, you ain't got no wild oats." "You got shredded wheat." "Okay, so I got shredded wheat." "But I still got a whole lot of snap, crackle and pop left." "She's gotta fine brown frame" "And I wonder what could be her name" "She look good to me but all I can see" "Is that fine brown frame" "Hello." "Oh, hello, Donna." "He can't come to the phone right now." "He's upstairs freshening up." "He's taking a bath." "No, there's nothing wrong." "I don't know why he can't make it." "Would you hold on a second?" "Hello, Donna?" "That message that was left on your service?" "Well, it was wrong." "It wasn't that Pop couldn't make it for dinner tonight." "It was that he couldn't make dinner." "You know, fix it." "Right." "What he was wondering is that if you would cook dinner and bring it here?" "Well, I'm sure that anything you cook would be just fine." "Why don't you surprise him?" "Right." "See you then." "Bye." "She's got a fine brown frame" "St. Louis woman give her a diamond ring" "Pulls that man around by her apron string" " What do you say, son?" " Pop." "I wish I could take a picture of that table." "It's beautiful." "Yeah, that looks great." "Say, Pop, I was wondering." "Is it all right if I stay and have dinner with you tonight?" "What?" "You know two is company." "I know." "But this is my home too, and a man's home is his castle." "I'm the king of the castle and I don't want no Prince Dummy... hanging around here tonight." "Look, I'm not going to get in your way." "What difference will it make?" "Look, Lamont, did I ever mess up your chance when you had a date?" "This is an equal opportunity family, so bye." "Well, I'm not leaving." "Come on now, Lamont." "I went through a lot of expense... to make this a romantic evening." "I even got some pink champagne chilling in the refrigerator." " You bought champagne?" " Well, not really." "It's really ginger ale and Ripple." "See, I call it "champipple. "" "Look, all I'll do is eat and then I'll leave." "Okay?" "Listen." "That's Carol now." "You can have one glass of wine, and then you got to go." "One glass." ""Paris in the Spring. " C'est si bon" "People say that in France" "Good evening, Fred." "What the hell is she doing here?" "Donna?" "Didn't you get my message?" "Yes, I did." "Then I talked to Lamont and he cleared everything up." "Oh, Fred, I was only too happy to cook." "Now you get out of here so I can fix dinner." "Yeah." "You fix dinner." "I'll fix Lamont." "You tell Donna to come here and fix dinner tonight?" " Who, me?" " Don't give me the "who me" stuff." " What'd you tell her?" " All I said was that..." "Fred, there's a whole dinner in the oven." "It is?" "Why, yes." "Why is that?" "Why is that?" "Well, see, it's because..." "See, Lamont loves frozen dinners, so I was going to freeze them." "That's right." "But, of course, it doesn't compare to your cooking, Miss Harris." " Why thank you, Lamont." " You're welcome." "Why, would you like to stay for dinner?" "Oh, may I?" "Of course." "Why, I'll just set another place." "Thank you very much." "Listen, you know Carol's coming here." "What am I gonna do?" " It's all your fault." " Who, me?" "Don't give me that "who, me. " Listen, I could get killed in here." "And then it'd be "Nobody and Son. "" "Listen, that's Carol now." "Listen, you keep Donna in the kitchen." "Don't let her come out of the kitchen." "I'll take care of Carol." "Don't let her come out the kitchen." "Here I am." "Listen, Carol." "You don't mind going out to dinner, do you?" "Well, no." "But I thought you were going to cook?" "I did." "But, you're new here in town, and I thought I'd show you California." "All right, Fred." "But don't you need a jacket?" "No." "See, I was going to take you to a Chinese restaurant... and they don't care what you got on in one of them." "Hey, Pop, dinner's ready." " Come on, Carol." " Your son says dinner's ready." "It's ready for him, but not for us." "Let's go." "Wait, Fred." "We better not disappoint your son." "We better go in." "We can go out on the town another time." " Wait a minute." " Come on, Fred." "Oh, what a lovely table." "Good evening, Miss Davis." "Good evening, Lamont." "Donna Harris, this is Carol Davis." "She sells household products." "Working this late?" "No." "I met Carol this morning." "She's from St. Louis." "And I wanted to show her some California hospitality... so I invited her to dinner." "Why didn't you tell me this before, Fred?" "Lamont should have told you when he talked to you on the phone." "That's right, Donna." "Miss Davis is having dinner with us." "Well, all right." "I'll set another place." "But I don't think there'll be enough for seconds." "Is she your maid?" "No." "She's a friend of the family." "If there isn't enough, I could come back another..." "Oh, no!" "There's plenty." "Listen, I'm not gonna eat much." "I just want to watch." "Well, let's sit down everybody." "Yeah." "Let's sit down everybody... so we can start eating and do less talking." "Yeah, we'll sit right down here." "Ladies, why don't you sit next to each other?" "No." "Ladies..." "Donna, you take my favorite seat right here." "I'll sit here between the two of you and that'll make it nice and comfy." "Did you and Fred know each other back in St. Louis..." "Before we start, let us say grace." "But, Pop, we never pray before we eat." "Like my mother always said, "It don't hurt none. "" "Dear Lord..." "Dear Lord, we're thankful for what we're about to receive... and protect us eaters, oh Lord, from bodily harm." "Amen." "That was very nice." "I didn't know you were a religious man." "I was..." "I was born and raised a baptist." "And he'll die a baptist." "Did you and Fred know each other back in St. Louis?" " Well, you see..." " I had an uncle who was a Catholic." "I don't know if I told you." "He had water on his knee, that's why he had to give it up." "Did you and Fred know each other back in St. Louis?" "No." "We just met this morning." "But it seems like we're old friends." "Right, Fred?" "Donna, why don't you put some food in your mouth, and then..." "I mean, you know, while it's still hot." " How do you like living in L. A?" " It's been kind of lonely for me." "I didn't really meet any interesting people until I met Fred." "It's going to be really nice to have a friend." "Yeah." "Ain't nothing like having a good friend." " You know who my best friend is?" " Bubba?" "No, Jesus." "This food is delicious, Donna." "Isn't it, Miss Davis?" "Oh, Carol." "Call me Carol." "Yes, it's very good." "Do you work as a cook?" "No." "I happen to be a practical nurse." "Yeah." "Donna, she's a real angel of mercy." "Then you know Fred in a professional capacity?" "A little." "But I happen to be his fiancé." "Fiancé?" "You're engaged?" " Yes, didn't he tell you?" " No, he didn't." "How come you didn't tell her, Fred?" "Well, you can't..." "You can't just..." "You can't just come right out and tell somebody everything the first time." "I was here for almost three hours." "Three hours?" "You were here for three hours?" " Yes, didn't he tell you?" " No, he didn't." "How come you didn't tell her?" "Why don't you tell me what you were doing for three hours?" "I was providing him with a little genuine, female companionship." "Isn't that nice!" "Although I'm surprised that at this stage in his life..." "Fred still needs a mother figure." "Mother figure!" "I don't have to sit here and listen to this shrewish woman's insults." "No." "Donna's not shrewish." "She's baptist like I am." "Are you going to sit there and let this woman call your fiancé names?" " Ask her to leave." " Now wait a minute, ladies." "Calm down." "Please, calm down." "Ain't there enough trouble in the world... with Vietnam and Cambodia and Jersey City?" "Fred, I am your fiancé... and I want to know what this woman was doing here for three hours." " I just told you." " I want him to tell me." " What was she doing here?" " Let me tell you..." "See, for three hours..." "She was trying to..." "She was just showing me..." "She was showing me her line." "I can see you fell for it." "Oh, I'm getting out of here." " He is all yours, Miss Davis." " No, Donna." "Wait a minute." " Oh, no." "I'm getting out of here too." " Carol..." "You're not passing off this no-good two-timer on me." "I guess they didn't hit it off, huh?" "Yeah, and it's all your fault." "You dummy, you." "Donna!" "Donna!" "Carol!" "Son?" "Lamont?" "Come get your dessert, son." "Lamont!" "Come on down, son." "I got your pudding." "Yeah." "I'm gonna be putting this upside your head." "Yeah." "And when she found out I was from St. Louis... she just invited herself over." "You don't think that I'd let some stranger come between us, do you, Donna?" "No, really, Donna." "Listen." "I should have told her right away." "I should've just put my foot down, told her she couldn't come." "But you know, some people take advantage of you when you're Mr. Nice." "But I've learned my lesson, honey." "I swear." "I've learned my lesson." "See, when a man got you... a woman like you... he don't need to look at another woman." "I swear." "Thank you, honey." "I sure appreciate you forgiving me." "What's that?" "Well, yeah." "How about tomorrow night?" "Chinatown?" "Okay, honey." "Bye." "Well, I hope you'll stop fooling around after this." "I still don't know why Donna's gonna take you back." "Because Donna knows she can depend on me." "Now who you calling?" "Hello, Carol?" "No, no." "Wait a minute, honey." "Don't hang up." "This is Fred." "Don't hang up." "I just want to apologize for last night." "Yeah, I've learned my lesson, honey." "Oh, when can we get together so I can explain?" "What about tonight?" "I got a whole magnum of"champipple. "" "Sanford And Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience."