" Hey, Ray." " Shut the door." "Shut it!" " Why why?" " Shut the door and don't walk anywhere!" " Don't move!" " You're freakin' me out, man!" " What's going on?" " I've gotta..." "I lost the hamster," "Ally's hamster." " Oh, no, he got out?" " Yes, he got out." "What the hell?" "Come on." "Debra and the kids are gonna be home in an hour." "You gotta help me look for him." "They leave you alone for one weekend, and the only other living thing in the house needs to run away." "Yeah." " Shut up, all right?" "Just help me look." " All right." " Pumpernickel!" " Pumpernickel, Pumpernickel." " Pumpernickel!" " Here, boy." "Here, Pumpernickel." "Wait, you don't call him like that." "He's a hamster." "He doesn't know his name." "We should make hamster noises." "You could use a mint." "Oh, did you do that yourself?" "They're coming!" "Ma, you're supposed to help me." "Would you look at these crumbs?" "The way Debra keeps this kitchen, it's a miracle this place isn't infested with hamsters." "He's not in the basement." "Dad, just so you know, we want the hamster brought back alive." "That's up to him." "All right, I checked out the entire top floor and no sign of Pumpernickel." "By the way, you shouldn't hide valuables in your top drawer." "And you could use some new underwear, Raymond." "I'll put it on the list, dear." "They're gonna be back in an hour." "I'm gonna go get a new hamster." " You can't do that." " Why not?" "They all look alike." "She'll never know the difference." "You would lie to your daughter like that?" "I'm not gonna lie." "I'm just gonna say," ""Here's your hamster, honey."" "I'm telling Ally." " You just mind your business." " You're not gonna find one" " that looks the same." " Oh, yeah." "Where am I gonna find a brown hamster?" "I cannot be a party to that lie." "You just keep your mouth shut, Copper." "Don't tell me to shut up." " How about I make you?" " How about I'm right over here?" " How about I come over there?" " Bring it on!" " I'll bring everything on." " Stop it!" "Be nice, boys." "All right now." "We all need a break." "Let's have a snack, and maybe if Pumpernickel hears us enjoying our food, he'll join us." "He can have some of yours." "He's not getting any of mine." " Dad." " What?" "I'm trying to move it." "Could you get up?" "Give me a ride." "What is it, Ma, what?" "Oh boy, there he is." " Where?" " Right there." "What?" "All I see is fudge pops." "Look at the hairy one on the left." "What?" "Holy crap." "What did you do?" "What did I do?" "What, you think I put him in?" "I don't know how he got in there." "Oh, he climbed into an airtight freezer by himself?" "I don't know how this could have happened." "I cleaned out the hamster cage, and I must not have snapped the cage back together tight enough." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Then I went grocery shopping." "Did you have the groceries on the table?" "He must have climbed into the bag that had the fudge pops." "Look, look at his whiskers." "They're all fudgy." "Ew!" "His last meal." "Poor Pumpernickel." "Ally's gonna hate me." " Hey, give me one of those." " Will you get out of here?" "Whoa whoa, wait a minute." "Wait a minute." " He may not be dead." " What, are you kidding?" "You could crack a walnut with that thing." "No, I'm serious." "He may be cryogenically preserved in a state of suspended animation." "He's dead, all right?" "I have to buy another one now." "Okay, look, not necessarily, Ray." "We may be able to resuscitate him." "Hey, let's toss him in the microwave." "All right, that's it." "I'm taking over this operation." "Ma, get me some towels." "Dad, I need some ice." "Raymond, a cooler." "We're evacuating Pumpernickel to the vet." "Let's go." "Move move move move move." "Robert, the vet is not gonna revive a hamster, okay?" "These are disposable pets." "What about your daughter's feelings, Ray?" "Are those disposable?" " All right." " No, it's not all right!" "I happen to care about a little girl whose heart is gonna break if she finds out that her daddy didn't do everything he could to save the life of her precious hamster." "Now damn it, Raymond, get me that cooler." "Hey, Ray, you forgot to fill the ice trays." "Well, then we'll just pack him with fudge pops." " What about this box of fish sticks?" " Throw them in too." "When Debra comes home, I'll show her how to cook a real fish." "Debra." "Frank." "Get up." " Huh?" " Come on, this place is a mess." "You haven't done a thing." "Hey, leave me alone." "I'm taking a break." "What have you been doing?" "I not only straightened out the kitchen," "I scrubbed the countertops, and I cleaned out the freezer." "And you celebrate with a bottle of hooch?" "Oh." " Hey, we're home." " Hi, Grandma." "Hi, Grandpa." " Hey, sweetheart." " Frank." "Hi, sweetheart." "This isn't mine." "This is Mommy's." " Marie, where's Ray?" " Raymond had to rush out, but he should be back soon." "Why does my living room look like a frat house?" "I didn't notice any difference really." " Hi, Daddy!" " Oh, hey hey." "Everybody, you're home." "Hi." "Hey." "Hi, how was your visit?" "Oh boy, I missed you." "How's your father?" "He's got a knee..." "What, he have a knee..." " oh, he got a new car." " Ray." "Ray..." "What happened here?" " Oh, nothing." "Why?" " What's that?" "Oh, oh, we gave Pumpernickel a ride in Robert's police car." "Yeah yeah." "He liked it, too." "Rode the whole way with his head out the window." "This isn't Pumpernickel." "Daddy, where's Pumpernickel?" "Um... um..." "Pumpernickel sleeps with the fish sticks." "You know, Ally, it's my understanding that freezing is a virtually painless way to go." " Unlike marriage, where the pain is..." " Frank!" "Can I see Pumpernickel?" " Ally, you shouldn't." " Sure, honey." " You can go see him." " What?" "It's important for closure." "Closure." "Reading books again?" "Why is he covered in chocolate?" "Some of the fudge pops must have melted." " Fudge pops?" " Gimme!" "Gimme!" " No no, get out of there!" " No, guys, stop that." " That's not fudge." " There's cookies in the kitchen." " Go go go go go go." " Come here, sweetheart." "The important thing to know, Ally, is that Pumpernickel is in heaven." " Not really." " Frank." "Not real heaven, not people heaven." " There's only one heaven." " For your information, there's a whole separate heaven for animals." " And just where did you learn that?" " It's in the Bible." " Like you read the Bible." " I've read plenty of damn Bibles." "Do all animals go to heaven or just pets?" "All animals go to people heaven with us, dear." "People heaven's for people." "Your grandma's been hitting the sauce." "All right." "Thank you." "Thanks for clearing that up." "Do some animals go to hell?" "We don't use those words, Ally." "Bad animals go to hell, kid." "Believe you me, I know." "When I was your age, there was this mean old German shepherd named Elsa." "I was walking to school one day and I must have crossed too close to her territory." "In those days, the Germans were very sensitive about their territory." "Well, that's all it took for Fraulein Elsa the Nazi she-wolf to jump out and take a hunk out of my all-American hide." "I still have the scar." " You want to see it?" "I'll show you." " No, Frank!" "What are you doing?" "Sit down." "All right!" "The point is Fraulein Elsa's probably in hell right now dragging her Nazi butt across the devil's carpet." "Thank you for that heartwarming story." "Look, Ally, I'm very sorry that this happened, but now it's time to meet your brand-new hamster." " No, thanks." " Oh, come on, look look." "He looks just like the old Pumpernickel." "And the guy at the store told me that in a couple years, he might fly." "Ray!" "Ray, don't tell her that." "All right." "All right, so he won't..." "he's not gonna fly." "But he did say that he's magical." " Ray." " His personality!" " No, Dad." " Oh, come on, Ally." "Just take a look." "He's a cute little replacement." "I don't want a replacement, Daddy." "I think that's exactly what she needs..." "a replacement daddy." "Could you go home, please?" "And take these two theologians with you." "You don't understand, sweetie." "When a child's pet dies, she has to go through a grieving process before she can take on a new pet." "All right, you can read." "We get it." "Isn't it a little morbid to make such a big deal out of this?" "No, it's not morbid." "It's reality." "Oh, come on." "It's a hamster." "Just leave her alone, and she'll get over it." "You know what I think would be healthy for all the kids?" "If we have sort of a formal goodbye ceremony for Pumpernickel." " Good idea, Deb." " Ray can dig a hole in the backyard." " I'm not digging a hole." " You're digging a hole." " I will get a shoebox." " Okay, I'll put out the cold cuts." "Okay." "I'll get some beer." "All right, let's put on a funeral." "Hey." "How's it going?" "I'm digging through solid rock in a rainstorm." "How do you think it's going?" "What are you, made of sugar?" "It's barely drizzling." "Ah!" "Careful, honey." "Why don't you dig this hole?" "This is all your fault anyway." "You should have told me about that broken piece on the hamster cage." "Hey, if you were a little more involved, you'd pick up on these details." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Maybe I make this hole a little bigger." "Oh, come on, Dad." "Again with the metal detector?" "What are you doing?" "Your mother's birthday's coming up." "Yeah, well, there's nothing here but dirt and rocks." "That's better than what he got me last year." "All right, Ally, we'll put the box in, and then I'll put the dirt on him." "Wait." "I want everybody to say something about Pumpernickel first." "Oh, that's good, yeah." "Then we'll all take a handful of dirt and toss it in." " What are you doing?" " That's what she wants." "It's raining, honey." "I think we should do this Ally's way." "You wanna get under my umbrella?" "I'm wonderful right where I am, thank you very much." "Daddy, would you like to start?" "Oh, I don't know." "Honey, why don't we let Grandpa start?" "Go ahead." "Grandpa." "Dad, could you power down for a second?" "Huh?" "Oh oh oh oh." "All right, all right." "Uh..." "Pumpernickel... liked the hamster, love the bread." "Next." "Grandma." "Okay, dear." "Even though Pumpernickel has gone from this earth," "I know he'll always be looking down at us from heaven." "People heaven." "All right, go ahead, Uncle Robert." "Death... the final goodbye." "The ultimate toodle-oo." "Or maybe death is not the end." "Maybe it's a beginning." "Perhaps, it's the ultimate howdy-do." "Are you kidding me?" "Are you kidding me?" "What's the matter, Ray, too deep for you?" "Oh, God." "Go ahead, Robert." "You know, I have come to the conclusion that when I die, I would like to die like Pumpernickel, quietly, painlessly, chocolate fudge pop stuck to the corner of my mouth." "For that, my friends, must be a happy death." "Aloha, which means goodbye and hello." " All right." " Same with shalom." " Shut up." "One meaning." " All right, Ray." "Your turn, Mommy." "Okay, well," "I've always felt very close to Pumpernickel, especially since I did a lot of the feeding and cleaning and, you know, most of the work." "So Pumpernickel's passing is gonna leave a big hole in my life." "Can't imagine what I'll do with the time." "So long, Pumpernickel." " Michael." " Ally, why don't we do the twins as a set, okay?" " Ray..." "Ray, come under my umbrella." " 'Cause it's raining." "Hey, no talking..." "hamster funeral." "I'll miss you, Pumpernickel." " Jeffrey." " I'll miss you too, Pumpernickel." "Now my turn." "I'll miss you too, Pumpernickel." "You were my best friend, and you still are." "Don't worry, Pumpernickel." "You'll always be with me, 'cause I'll never forget you." "Your turn, Daddy." "Uh... um..." "I didn't have much contact with..." "I didn't know Pumpernickel very well." "The only thing I remember is when we brought him back from the pet store, and Ally wanted me to hold him, so I reached out to grab him and he bit me on the finger." "And it hurt." "So Daddy said a bad word." "But Ally picked up the..." "Pumpernickel and she showed me... showed me how to hold him." "Like this." "Right?" "I never noticed until just now how grown-up you are." "The way you were with your friend, and what you said just now, you really... really seem grown-up." "I'm proud of you." "Damn hamster!" "Daddy?" "Can we get a rabbit tomorrow?" "Yeah, guys, whatever you want." " Yeah!" " Cool!" "A rabbit!" "Whoo!" "Yahoo!" "Yeah!" "Rabbit." "That's a bigger hole." "You all laughed at me, huh?" "Big waste of time, huh?" "Huh?" "!" "I think I'll buy myself a Yoo-hoo." "There goes my birthday present."