"Hey, diary." "This week, mom's coming to town." "Remember how much fun that was last year?" "You're looking a little Chaz Bono-y." "She's coming for my little sister Jazmine's engagement party." "Yep." "That's right." "My younger sister is getting married." " Is that what I think it is?" " Yep!" " Surprise!" " Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Kimmie, aren't you happy for me?" "!" "So this weekend, it'll be mom, Jazmine, and me..." "The three Boubiers." "What fun!" "Aw." "♪ Don't stop me now ♪" "♪ I'm having such a good time ♪ ♪ Good time ♪" "♪ I'm having a ball ♪ ♪ Super fun night ♪" "♪ Don't stop me now ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time ♪" "♪ I don't want to stop at all ♪" "♪ Super fun night ♪ ♪ Super fun wild night ♪" "Oh." "Why do you have a bat?" "!" "I thought you were an intruder." "Marika, you're fully dressed." "It's the middle of the night." "Night jogging." "Full moon pulls on your head, makes you lighter on your feet." "Mm." "Hey, what's with the midnight sad face?" "I've just been thinking." "My mom's coming." "My little sister is getting married before me." "This cheesecake is stale." "There's not enough of it." "Richard is with Kendall." "I've been avoiding him all week." "Well, let's discuss it after lunch." "Okay, I just need to make a quick copy." "And now what?" "You're just never gonna talk to him again?" "Yeah!" "And if that doesn't work," "I'll just pursue my other career of being a stay-at-home non-mom." "Hey." "Hi." "Sorry." "I didn't want to wake you." "It's okay." " Are you leaving?" " Well, yes." "I don't have a change of clothes." "And I don't want to wear the same shirt two days in a row." "Otherwise, everybody in the office will be like..." ""Hey." "What's with the smell?"" "Wow." "Well, actually, I did ventriloquism at college." "I was pretty good at it." "You know, you could just leave a couple of shirts here if you're worried about having clothes in the morning." "You want me to leave some clothes here." "Yes." "Wouldn't it be nice to wake up together in the morning?" "Yes." "That would be..." "Very nice, but, unfortunately..." "I really have to go." "So..." "Don't be sad." "♪ I am the very mother of a modern lady lawyer ♪" "No, it can't be." "It's only Wednesday." "You sound a lot younger when you sing." "Are you a Broadway fan, Richard?" " I bet you are." " A little bit." "I played Lola in the off-Broadway production of "Damn Yankees."" "Have you ever seen a woman my age do this?" " Whoo!" " Oh." "Mom?" "Mo... mom!" " Excuse me." " Mom." " I think the lady protesteth too much." " Quite." "Oh, kimmie, honey." " Mwah!" " What are you doing?" "This isn't the Tonawanda community playhouse." "Well, of course not!" "If it were, I'd be getting a standing ovation." "Hey, he's cute." " Oh." "Mom..." " Ooh." "British, handsome, small enough to control." "Why don't you go out with him?" "Yeah, he's not interested." "Kimmie, if I had taken that attitude when I was your age," "I never would've gotten to shag Mandy Patinkin..." "An intense lover..." " But such a sweaty man." " Oh." "All right." " Yeah." " Okay." "Oh." "Mom, come." "Oh, my goodness!" " Is this your office?" " Yep." "It's very nice!" "But why is it so far back?" "A girl like you needs some foot traffic if you're gonna meet a guy." "Mom, I don't need a man." "Look at me!" "I have a great...career." "Kimmie, a career's not gonna butter your crumpet." "You weren't supposed to come until Friday." "Well, Jazmine and I have been talking." "And she wants to change a few tiny things about her party." "She wants to wear a bikini!" "She wants to wear a bikini to her engagement party?" "We're all gonna wear bikinis!" "It's gonna be a luau!" "Oh, it's gonna be such fun." "Uh..." "I'm gonna call the hotel and just tell them you got here early," " and... so you can just go..." " Oh, no, no, no, no, sweetheart." " I canceled the reservations." " Why?" "Why pay for a room when I'm perfectly comfortable staying with you?" "So just give me the keys, and I'll see you at home." "Did you bring a nightgown this time?" "Kimmie..." "It's healthy to sleep in the nude." "Sometimes, you have to air out the peach pit." "It's gonna be a fantastic party!" "Lights, booze, pineapples..." "All you need for romance." "I'm seating you two next to Jazmine's best friend, Heidi, and her de facto sister, Hayley." "What?" "No." "I don't think they like us." "What?" "No." "Wait." "Seriously?" "You've never seen "Big Brother"?" "The racists make it so good." "Well, I'm against racism." "Um, I'm not saying I'm for it." "I'm just saying it's entertaining." "I can't believe my little Jazzy is gonna tie the knot." "And poor, old Kimmie is still alone and desperate." "What took you so long?" "The party's in full swing!" " Oh, my God." " Mwah." "Mm, oh, I'm so happy being here in the big city with my little girl." "You know, I used to live just around here when I was playing Nancy in "Oliver," off-Broadway." "Oh, I love that musical!" " Why did you say that?" " What?" "♪ As long as he needs me ♪" "♪ I know where I must be ♪" "♪ I'll cling on steadfastly ♪" "♪ As long as he needs me ♪" "Oh, God." "I don't know how I did nine shows a week." "So, tell me about this Richard." "Is there no hope at all?" "Mom, no!" "Don't ever mention his name ever, ever again!" "Okay." "Fine." "But I should tell you..." "I invited him to your sister's party!" "Y-you did what?" "So there's no understudying for you tomorrow night." "You're going on." "What's the big deal?" "I thought you'd want Richard at the party." "No!" "I've been trying to avoid him!" "Why?" "Because!" "I thought he liked me." "And then I embarrassed myself." "He didn't like me...at all." "And now it's super awkward." "And I'm gonna have to deal with him all night while wearing a bikini!" "You make a very good point, Kimmie." "Thank you." "We need to get you a new bathing suit." "That's your takeaway from this..." "That I need a new bathing suit?" "You can't keep wearing grandma's forever." "Richard, can I come in?" "Certainly." "Pamela, what can I do for you?" "This'll only take a sec." "Oof!" "This chair is too low." "The only time my ass is this close to the ground is when I take off my shaping panties." "You really are Kimmie's mother, aren't you?" "Okay, Richard." "Let me come straight to the point." "You can't come to the party." "Um, okay?" "May I ask why?" "All I know is that it would be "awkward."" "Kimmie..." "Come on!" "This is ridiculous!" "Let me see!" " Ah!" " I'm not wearing this." "Well, for one thing..." "Your boobs look like you threw them in a grocery bag and swung them around the supermarket." " Mom!" "Don't." " Listen." "I carried you around in my stomach for nine months." "I can touch your boobs." "I hate bathing-suit shopping." "Why can't I just wear a dress or a...plastic poncho?" "You can't wear that when we do our number." "What number?" "No, I'm not doing some cheesy routine in front of Richard." "Don't worry." "Richard's not coming." "I uninvited him." "What?" "!" "I let him down lightly." "I very nicely said, "Look." ""It would be best if you didn't come because of the 'awkwardness.'"" "But now he's gonna think I told you about Halloween," " and that's why you uninvited him!" " That is why I uninvited him." "I don't understand what's going on." "Oh." "No, no, honey." "Not that high leg-line." "Not with your...secret garden." "Okay, that's it!" "You need to stay out of my life..." "And stay out of my secret garden!" "Yes." "Thank you." "Hi." "Hi." "So, I heard my mother told you not to come... to the par-tay." "Yes." "Yes, she did." "Okay, I just want you to know that has nothing to do with us." "I don't really feel awkward around you at all." "If I was feeling awkward right now, would I be able to do this?" " No." "You look remarkably relaxed." " Mm." "So why did she un-invite me?" "She was probably just trying to avoid telling you the truth." "Which is...?" "That there is no party." "Because my sister's fiancé was cheating on her." "Gosh, how awful!" "Now my sister just walks around the house all day like..." "Tears." "Mm!" " I forgot to tell you." " Mm." "I figured out a way to get along with Jazmine's friends at the engagement party." "Hard lemonades?" "No!" "Tiny crab cakes." "No." " Tabloids." " Mm." "All those girls care about are celebrities and gossip, right?" "So we can study these." "And we can learn their lingo so we can at least understand what they're saying." "Lookit." "I made flashcards." ""Ratchet."" "Yeah-huh." "Ratchet." "Let's see." ""Adjective." ""A girl deriving from an urban city" ""who believes she is all that but is, in fact, not." ""Use... 'Look at that lady blasting Nicki Minaj" ""from her busted phone." "She is so...ratchet.'"" "Cool!" " Hey." " Kendall." " Do you have a second?" " Uh, yes." "Come in." "So uh, have you thought any more about leaving some stuff at my place?" "I cleaned out a drawer for you." "Thank you, Kendall." "But, um, I-I don't think I can do that." "Look, Richard." "Uh..." "I know I have a tough exterior." "I have to be tough." "I am ambitious, and I'm not gonna apologize for that." "But, uh..." "I like you, and, uh, I would like to know if... if this...is anything, because if it isn't, I-I don't want to waste my time." " No." "Uh, I like you." "Um..." " Okay, great." "So why won't you stay at my place?" "Um, have I done something to make you feel uncomfortable?" "Uh, uh, am I too needy?" "Oh, my God." "I'm turning into that icky girl that always wants to know what this is." "You know what?" "Never mind." "Withdrawn." "This was a bad idea." "And, uh..." "I was never here." "Kendall, um, pl..." "Kendall." "Knock, knock!" "Hey, I thought we were gonna meet at the buffet." "Well, I wanted to see your fancy office." "Ooh, I love the wood." "Jason and I are probably gonna move into mom's basement after we get married, and he wants to panel it." "Find out what kind of wood this is." "Anyway, my bikini for the engagement party is so tiny, when I took it off, I couldn't find it." "I put it on for Jason, and we had the best sex." "Well, I've never had sex after I put on a bikini." "But I have been asked to leave the pool." " Oh." "Hi, Kimmie." " Hi." "Kimmie!" "Aren't you gonna introduce me to your friend?" "Uh, yeah, sure." "Um, this is my sister, Jazmine." "Nice to meet you." "Oh!" "You're Jazmine." "Oh, my God!" "I love your accent." "It's so Hermione." "Have you ever met any of the royal family?" "No." "No, I haven't." "I just want to say that I'm really sorry to hear of your recent misfortune." "Huh?" "Do you guys hear my stomach growling?" ""Ah, feed me." "I want lunch."" "The breakup." "You know, I've been there." "It's really not fun when someone's been cheating on you." "Huh?" "!" "Do you guys want curly fries?" "I really, really want curly fries right now." "Your fiancé?" "Uh, Kimmie told me." " Jason is cheating on me?" "!" " Aah!" "I knew it!" "I'm gonna kill him..." "That bastard!" "Oh!" "No!" "Jaz!" "Kimmie, what is wrong with you?" "You almost let me call Jason and cancel my engagement." " Why would you do that?" " I'm sorry." "I just didn't want Richard to come to the engagement party, so I told him you guys had just... pbht!" "... broken up." "Do you realize I could've lost the deejay of my dreams?" "Yes..." "Which is why..." "I bought you this Pandora bracelet to say that I was wrong and to show you that I care." "Mm, bracelet." "Yeah." "And look." "None of this would've ever happened if mom wouldn't have meddled with Richard in the first place." "Okay, I don't want to hear it." "Whatever is going on between you and mom, you better fix it." "This party is about me, all right?" "And just to be clear, all the time between the engagement party and my wedding is about me." " Got it?" " Yes." "My bracelet." "I love my party, mom." "I feel like I'm in freakin' Hawaii..." " Even though I've never been to Hawaii." " Oh, it's just like this, only humid." "Hi!" "You guys are at our table?" "Yes." " Is Jazmine mad at us?" " Mm, probably." "How are you?" " Oh, I'm, like, so hungs." " She wasn't being serious." "S-so, we were reading a bunch of gossip rags while getting our mani/pedis." "Did you guys see who was spotted with a definite baby bump?" "O.M.F.L.G. Okay." "Um..." " Wait." "Give me a hint." " Okay." "Her and her baby daddy..." "They're not married." "Who is it?" " Who?" " Who?" "Who is it?" "I don't know what I did so wrong, Kimmie." "Mom!" "I was just trying to do what I thought was best for you." "Well, how would you know what's best for me?" "I'm your mother!" "Yeah, you don't know what's going on in my life." "Everything I do, you disapprove of." "Well, I'm sorry if I made you think I disapprove of you." "I didn't mean to." "And I certainly don't want to be a burden to you." "So goodbye." "I'm going, Kimmie." "And you'll never see me again." "Unless you come over to the Waikiki buffet, because that's where I'll be." "Aloha, Kimmie." "Well, isn't this a cliché?" "I was going for romantic." "I know you're aware of most of my neuroses..." "Wiping down all the cutlery in restaurants and wearing a red tie on Tuesdays and listing all my neuroses in groups of three." "But, um, there are some others that, uh, are rather more embarrassing, which, uh..." "Well, actually, I'm just gonna show you." "Okay, Richard, uh..." "I really like you, but if there is a ventriloquist dummy in that bag," "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." "There's not." "Why do you have a pillow?" "This...is not "a" pillow." "This is "my" pillow." "And I can't sleep without it." "I can't sleep without a glass of Pinot Grigio and a Xanax." "What's your point?" "I was sent to boarding school, and I hated every second of it." "This pillow is the only thing from home that stopped me from feeling completely abandoned." "So..." "All of this was about a pillow?" "Okay." "That is super weird." "Yeah." "See, I knew that you would say that." "No!" "No, no, no, no!" "I-I'm relieved." " You are?" " Yes!" "I thought this was about me and my cold personality and near total lack of human compassion." "No, no, no." "I love all those things about you." "Aww, Richard." "So do I." "Right." "So what do we do now?" "Well, I hope we go upstairs." "What about you, Mr. Pillow?" "Would you like to go upstairs with us, too?" "Does...pillow talk?" "See, now you're just making fun of me." "Well, yeah." "A little." "It is a pillow." "Come on." "Let's go upstairs." "Okay, I am done with this tension." "I'm going to "meditate" this." " Mediate." " Whatever, Kimmie." "Mom, I love you, but you're a meddler." "See?" "And so are you, Kimmie!" "You made up that lie about Jason cheating." "And the only person apart from me that he's kissed in the last 12 months is his Camaro!" "Moral of the story..." "You guys get on each other's nerves because you are exactly the same." "You're both performers, just in different ways." "She's right, Kimmie." "Yeah." "I can't believe I had to tell you two this." " I'm supposed to be the dumb one." " You're not dumb, babe!" "Your hotness just sometimes overheats your brain." "Aww!" "I love you, baby." "Rowr!" "Okay, you guys are not gonna believe this, but it was actually a lot of fun hanging out tonight." "Cool." "I feel like you've opened my eyes to what it's like to really, really care about people while you're reading a magazine and then forget about them like 2 seconds later." "You understand so perfectly." "We should hang out sometime and nocialize." "Oh, def!" "We'll call you." "Oh, maybe I can sing you my song about Selena Gomez's face." "That'd be trill." " 'Kay." "Bye-e-e." " Bye." "Oh, it is exhausting being that vapid." "Yeah!" "We are never gonna see them ever again." "Is that Kimmie's aunt Ruth?" "Whoa." " She is, like, so Ratchet." " Word." "You know, ever since your dad left," "I feel I had to look out for you kids twice as much." "Maybe I overdid it." "But hey!" "Look at you now." "You're a big-time lawyer." "Your sister's gonna get married." "You kids don't need me anymore." "No, we need you." "You're our favorite mother!" "I love you, mom." "Oh, Kimmie." "Would you allow me to meddle one last time?" "Wow, we were so close to pulling this off." "Honey, life is long." "Relationships go through a lot of stages." "You've got to stop avoiding Richard." "Mom!" "Trust me on this one." "Sometimes, men test-drive cars before they choose the sensible one they're actually gonna buy." "Well, I do have a roomy trunk..." "And original headlights." "That's my girl." "Should we go and dance?"