"At Birmingham East, the Returning Officer is declaring the result." "James George Hacker: 21,793." "Arthur William Gaunt: 19,321." "So Jim Hacker's back, and after many years as a Shadow Minister seems almost certain to get a post in the new Government." " I haven't had a call yet." " Who from?" " Our new Prime Minister." " What do you expect?" "The car's only just got back from the Palace." "Any moment now, then." "So who was on the phone?" "Frank Wiesel." "He's coming right over." "Why doesn't he just move in?" "Annie, he's my political adviser." " I depend on him." " Why don't you marry him?" "Darling, you do over- react to everything, so." "Here we are!" "Jim Hacker... yes." "Oh, it's you." "Yes, was a good party,wasn't it?" "." "Yes, I've got a bit of a headache,too..." "Look, do you mind if I ring you back." "I'm waiting fora rather important call... bye bye." "Alderman Spottiswood." "I wish people wouldn't ring to congratulate me." "Doesn't they realise I'm waiting for the call." "It's as if you're about to enter the Ministry." "Yes, but which Ministry,that's the point." "It was a joke!" "Oh, I see." " Are you very tense?" " No, I'm not." "I'm just a politician's wife is not allowed to have feels." "A happy carefree politician's wife." " What are you looking for?" " A cigarette." "I can't find any" "Try the cigarette box." " It's empty." " Take a librium." "I can't find the librium, that's why I'm looking for a cigarette." "Oh, Jim, I've had it." "Would you pop out and get some?" "Sorry, I daren't leave the phone." "Look, if the PM wants you to be in the cabinet, he'll phone back." "Or you can phone back." "I ran the campaign against the PM forthe leadership." " If I'm out, well, who knows." " I could take a message." "There it is." "Hello... yes, speaking..." "Oh, it's you Michael..." "I haven't had a call, have you had a call?" "Bill's had a call?" "What's he got?" "Europe?" " Bill's got Europe." " Lucky Europe." " Does Bill speak French?" " He can hardly speak English." "I'll call you back if I hear anything." "Right..." "Bye." "Fingers crossed." "Hello..." "Yes, speaking..." "The Gas Board." "Good Lord man, that was weeks ago." "Would you mind I'm waiting fora rather important call..." "Look, Franklin there happened to be a general election yesterday..." "You voted forthe otherside, did you?" "How did you get to the polling booth on the right day?" "With two assistants, three return visits forspare parts?" "Look, Mr. Franklin..." "Frankly Franklin," "I don't care if the whole central heating system collapses in ruins." "I've got to get off this phone, goodbye." "They won't come now." "If I get Consumer Affairs, they'll come." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Darling, that was the front doorbell." "It'll be Frank." " Did you know Martin's got the Foreign Office." " Has he?" "Jack's got Health and Fred's got Energy." " Has anyone got Brains?" " Do you mean Education?" "No, I know what I mean." " What's left?" "What have I got?" " Rhythm?" "Frank, I have heard absolutely nothing, not that it's surprising." "My whole career is going down the drain because the PM is unable to reach me on the telephone." "You get it, darling." " Hello." " Hello, this is the BBC." "Would Mr. Hacker like to be interviewed on the PM program this afternoon?" " PM?" " PM?" "Jim Hackerhere..." "Are you available this afternoon?" "Yes." "Any time you like." "Could we interview you?" "I'd been hoping you'd call." "What job do you think you're likely to get?" "I beg yourpardon?" "What job do you think you're likely to get?" "It's hard for me to say, isn't it?" "That's for you to tell me." " What?" " Well, it's not up to me to say." "That's for the PM to say." "You're the PM's office..." "Oh, I see." "The BBC PM office!" "How silly, what a silly mistake, Yes... yes." "Good bye." "I did try and tell you." "You answer the bloody thing." "Hello..." "Mrs. Hacker speaking." "Oh, congratulations, "Prime Minister"." "It's Annie here." "Give me that phone." "Hello..." "Yes..." "Prime Minister." "Yes, of course..." "Yes, I..." "Righto." "I'll be on the next train." "Top tip for The Department of Administrative Affairs is Jim Hacker." "Kenneth, isn't he on the young side for a Cabinet post?" "Yes, well, he's in his late forties." "But it's certainly a jump up for him." "On the otherhand, this department's been a bit of a political graveyard recently." "A further group of Cabinet appointments has now been announced from Number Ten." "The post of the Ministry of Administrative Affairs goes to Jim Hacker, the former Shadow Minister for Agricultura." " Good afternoon, Minister." " Good afternoon." "Bernard Wooley, Principal Private Secretary." "Mr. Lloyd Pritchard, Assistant Private Secretary." "This is my political adviser..." "Oh yes, of course, Mr. Weasel." "Wiesel." "I was the Minister's Principal Private Secretary in the last goverment." "However if you..." "I'm sure you'll be just the thing." "Thank you, Minister, how kind." " Where are we all going to?" " You are going to youroffice." "What about Frank?" " Where's Frank?" " He's being taken care of." " Would you wait here?" " This is the Waiting Room." " Precisely, sir." " I'm Jim Hacker's adviser." "He has a whole department to advise him." " He needs me." " Of course." "But until he sends for you, please, wait." "A sherry, Minister?" "Jim." "Oh Gin." "No, no, Jim, Jim." "Call me Jim." "I think if it means all the same to you," "I would prefer to call you Minister, Minister." "Minister, Minister?" "Oh quite, quite." "I see what you mean." "Do I have to call you Private Secretary, Private Secretary?" " No." "Do call me Bernard." " Thank you, Bernard." "You're most welcome." "Your health, Minister." "Well what now?" "Minister Allow me to present Sir Humphrey Appleby," "Permanent undersecretary of State and Head of the D.A.A." " Hello, Sir Humphrey." " Hello, and welcome." " Thank you." " I believe you know each other." "Yes, we did cross swords in the Public Accounts Committee." "I wouldn't say that." "You came up with all the questions I hope nobody would ask." "Opposition's about asking questions." "And Government's about not answering them." "You answered all mine, anyway." "I'm glad you thought so, Minister." "Good luck." " Who else is in this Department?" " I am the Permanent undersecretary of the State known as the Permanent Secretary." "Wolley is your Principal Private Secretary." "And I too have a Principal Private Secretary." "And he is the Principal Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary" "Directly responsible to me are 10 Deputy Secretaries 87 UnderSecretaries, and 219 Assistant Secretaries." "Directly Responsible to the PPS are Parliamentary Private Secretaries." "The PM will be appointing two Parliamentary UnderSecretaries, and you will appoint your own Parliamentary Private Secretary." "Can they all type?" "None of us can type, Minister." "Mrs. McKay types." "She is the Secretary." "Pity we could have opened an agency." " Very droll, sir." " Yes, very very amusing." " I suppose they all say that." " Certainly not, Minister." "Not quite all." "Right, now then, to business." "You have to forgive me if I'm a bit blunt, but that's the sort of chap I am..." "Frankly, this depart..." "This chair's a bit..." "We can change it, Minister." "We can change anything, Minister." "The furniture, decor, office routine..." " Your wish is our command." " I'd like a new chair." "I hate swivel chairs." "They do say that there are two kinds of chairs to go with the two kinds of Minister." "One sort folds up instantly, the othersort goes round and round in circles." "Now, frankly this Department has got to cut a great swathe through all this stuffy Whitehall bureaucracy." "We're going to throw open the windows, let in a bit of fresh air, cut through all the red tape, streamline this creaking old bureaucratic machine." " You mean a clean sweep?" " A clean sweep." "Far too many people just sitting behind desks." "Not like us, of course." "But we've got to get rid of all those people just making work for each other." " Get rid of them?" " I think you mean "Redeploy them"." "Yes." "Good Lord no, I don't mean put them out of work." "Open Government, that's what my party believes in, that was the main plank of our manifesto." "Taking the nation into our confidence." "Now how does that strike you?" "Do sit down." "In fact, Just as you said in the House on May 2nd last year, and again on November 23rd, and in The Observer and in The Daily Mail, and as your manifesto made clear." "You know about that?" "Please, have a look at these proposals Minister." "These are the ways to implement this policy and proposals for a white paper for your approval." "The white paper might be called "Open Government"." " You mean it's all been..." " Taken care of, Minister." " Who did all this?" " The old bureaucratic machine." "No, quite seriously." "We are fully seized of the need for reform." " And we have taken it on board." " I'm rather surprised." "I expected to have to fight you all the way along the line with this." "People do have funny ideas about the Civil Service." "We're just here to implement your policies." ""Proposals for shortening approval procedures in planning appeals"?" "Hansard Volume 497, page 1102, Column B." "Quote "Mr. Hacker:" "Is the Minister aware that planning procedures make building a bungalow in the 20th century slower than building a cathedral in the 12th century?" "Opposition laughter and Government cries of shame"." "They didn't actually cry shame." "Quite so, Minister." " Right, I think that's it then?" " There are one or two more things..." "One more thing?" "If you would just like to check your diary for next week, Minister." "My diary?" "You didn't know I was coming." "You didn't even know who'd win the election." "We knew there'd be a Minister, Minister." "Don't start that again." "I'm sorry, even though we didn't know it would be you." "Her Majesty does like the business of government to continue even when there are no politicians around." " Bit difficult surely?" " Yes... and no." "It's gonna be quite a busy week, Minister." "Nine cabinet committees, the Annual dinner of the Law Institute On Monday at 8:00, which you will have to make a speech." "Deputation from the British Computer Association, 10:30 Tuesday morning." "Opening the National Union of Public Employers meeting at 11:00 on Wednesday, which you will have to make another speech..." "Wait Wait a minute..." "What about all the other things I have to do?" "What otherthings?" "I'm on four policy committees for the party for a start." "I'm sure you won't want to be putting party before country, minister." "No, no, of course not." "I'll just fetch your boxes, Minister." "Boxes?" "Already." "We get manage to keep the last Minister's work throughout the campaign, but I fear... well, it's not for me to criticise..." " What do you mean?" " It's a harsh thing to say." "Some of the boxes actually came back with the work not done." "If you complete the first four by Saturday evening, your driver could collect them and deliver the other two." "Villa's at home to Liverpool." "And I've got a surgery on Saturday." "We could minimise the paper work, you need only take the major policy decisions." "No, no." "No." "No." "I will take all the decisions round here." "Now then what time shall I come in on Monday?" "You'll catch the 7.45 train from New Street, Minister," " and your driver will meet you at Euston." " Fine" "If I could just put in these draft proposals." "And here, this is yourkey, Minister." "Out of my way." "I've had enough of this." " You can't go in there." " Just try and stop me." " Jim, what's going on?" " Frank, where've you been?" "Stuck in the waiting room." "Do you mind?" "We are in a private conference with the minister." " Then I should be here, too." " Calm down, Frank." "Humphrey, Frank has got to have an office of his own in the department." " Certainly, if you insist." " I do insist." "I do think we have some spare office space in Walthamstow." " Walthamstow?" " Yes, it's surprising." "The Government owns property all over London." " I don't want to be in Walthamstow." " It's in a very nice part." "Walthamstow's a very nice place so I gather." " I need an office here in this building." " Why's that?" "Yes, I agree with Frank." "Bernard, we must find an office here for Mr. Weasel." "Wiesel." "Copies of all the papers that come to me go to Frank." " All?" " All." "It shall be done." "All the appropriate papers." "How's your new Minister, Humphrey?" "Learning the rules very quickly for a newboy." " How's your new Cabinet?" " No problem." "It's hard to tell the differece with the last one." "Arnold, I hear the American Ambassador's been spending a lot of time with the PM." " Yes." " Defence or trade?" "Both." "The aerospace systems contract?" "Ssh." "Don't want the cabinet to hear about it yet." "This aerospace thingumy would be rather a coup for the PM, wouldn't it?" "Yes, now the new PM will take the credit." "Sorry to intrude SirArnold, Sir Humphrey, if you could just OK the Minister's speech," "I can get it straight to the House." "Yes, of course." "Like to join us?" "Oh, thank you, Sir Humphrey, so long as I'm not too long." "Get yourself a cup of coffee." "So it would be rather an embarrassment to the PM, wouldn't it?" "if a hypothetical Minister were to rock the Anglo American boat?" "Grave embarrassment." "How grave?" "Man overboard, I should think." "Enough to cut short a promising new Ministerial career?" "No question." "Pull up a chair, Bernard..." "And tell us what you think of our new Minister." "Well absolutely fine." "Yes, we'll have him housetrained in no time." "He swallowed the whole diary, and I gatherhe did his boxes like a lamb lastweekend?" "Yes." "Yes he did." "We must head him off this Open Government nonsense." "I thought we were calling the White Paper "Open Government"." "Always dispose of the difficult bit in the title." "Does less harm there than in the text." "The less you intend to do about something, the more you have to keep talking about it." "What's wrong with open government?" "Why shouldn't the public know more about what's going on?" "Are you serious?" "Well, yes, I mean it's the Minister's policy, afterall." "It's a contradiction in terms." "You can be open or you can have government." "But surely the citizens of a democracy have a right to know." "No." "They have a right to be ignorant." "Knowledge only means complicity and guilt." "Ignorance has a certain dignity." "But if the Minister wants..." "You don't just give people what they want, if it's not good for them." "Do you give brandy to an alcoholic?" "If people don't know what you are doing, they don't know what you are doing wrong." "I am the Minister's Private Secretary, and if he wants..." "You must not help him to make a fool of himself." "Look at the Ministers we've had." "Everyone of them would have been a laughing stock in three month had it not been for the most rigid secrecy about what they were up to." "What do you propose to do?" " Can you keep a secret?" " Of course." "So can I." "Excuse me, I have to make a phone call." "Well, I'd betterbe getting this back to the Minister." "Martin." "Has the weasel had a copy of the invoice for the new American addressing machines?" "I thought you said it was sensitive." "So it is." "Get it to him today." "Oh, and Martin, let him find it near the bottom of the pile." "Jim, Jim." " Yes." " Look what I've found." " We've got them by the short and curlies." " What're you talking about?" "We've got Sir Humphrey Bloody Appleby and Mr. Toffee Nosed Snooty Wolley just where we want them." "See this?" "This innocent-looking piece of paper." "Political dynamite." "Calm down." "What are you talking about?" "This is an invoice for 1.000 computervideo display terminals." "At 10.000 pounds each, that is, ten milion pounds." "So?" "Made by the Pittsburgh Manufacturing Corporation Inc.," " Imported from America?" " I know." "But we make computer peripherals in this country." " In my constituency." " I know!" " What about unemployment?" " I know!" "This must be stopped." " Sir Humphrey to see... oh sorry." " Oh no." "No, come in." "I want to see you both, come on." "Sir Humphrey, take a seat." "Thank you, Minister." "Now then, Frank here has just discovered this contract for the import of ten million pound's worth of video display terminals, from America." "May I see?" "Oh yes." "For the whole Civil Service in Whitehall." " But they're not British." " That is unfortunately true." " We make these machines in this country." " Not of the same quality." "Better quality." "In my constituency." " We were advised..." " This contract must be stopped." "It's beyond my power, Minister." "This can only be cancelled by the Treasury." "Why's that?" "Would be a major policy change for the Civil Service to cancel contracts, especially with overseas suppliers." "If you'd like to take it up with the Cabinet." "How am I to face my constituency party?" "Why need they know?" "Why need anybody know?" "We can see that it never gets out." " Open Government." " That's right." "Open Government." "If the order can't be cancelled, it must be published." "That's right." "It must be published." "Why?" " Why, Frank?" " The manifesto." "Also it will make your predecessor look like a traitor." " Two unanswerable reasons." " You didn't bargain for this!" "You're not suggesting that the Minister should make a positive reference to this confidential transaction in a speech?" "Speech." "That's it." "Jim, what about the speech to the Union of office Employees?" "I'll tell them about this scandalous contract." "And we'll release it to the press today." " Who's running the country now?" " Well... yes." " You object?" " It might be regrettable," " if we upset the Americans." " The Americans." "It's time they lose their commercial complacency." " We must think of the British poor, not the American rich!" " Right" "If that is your express wish, the Departmentwill back you,up to the hilt." "That is my express wish." "I'd better circulate the speech to the relevant department for clearance." "Clearance?" "It got nothing to do with other department." "Open Government demands that we should include our colleagues, as well as our friends in Fleet Street." " Oh yes, that's fair enough." " I'm not sure." "Thank you." "And Humphrey..." "See that goes straight to the press." "We shall serve your best interests." "Thank you." "Now then..." "Let me see." "Open Government." "As you know, We've made a pledge to the people about open government." "So let's have some." "I have discovered that only last month, the previous government signed a contract to import 10,000 pounds of office equipment" " to used by the Civil Service..." " Bureaucracy!" "Used by the Civil Service bureaucracy." "So, we are being fobbed off with second rate American junk by smart Aleck salesmen from Pittsburgh while British factories stand empty and British workmen queue up for the dole." " Unemployment benefit." " The dole, Bernard." ""Much as I personally value the friendship of our great cousins from across the sea"." " Excuse me Minister, something's come up." " Yes?" " A minute from the PM's Office." " I'm pretty busy." " I do think you ought to read this, Minister." " What does it say?" "The PM is planning a visit to Washington next month for a valuable Anglo American defence trade agreement." "Its importance cannot be overestimated." "Fine." "God Has my speech gone to the press?" "I presume so, as you requested." "I'm sorry, but all hell's just broken loose at Number Ten." "They're asking why your speech didn't obtain clearance." " What did you say?" " I said we believed in open government." "But it seemed to make things worse." "The PM wants to see you in the House, right away." "What's going to happen?" "The Prime Minister giveth and the Prime Minister taketh away." "Blessed be the name of the Prime Minister." "Hello, Vic..." "Sir Humphrey Appleby, Vic Gould, our ChiefWhip." "You really are a pain in the ass, aren't you?" "The PM's going up the wall." "Hitting the roof." "You can't go around making speeches like that." "It's Open Government." " Shut up, Weasel." " Wiesel!" "But Open Government was the main plank in our manifesto." " The PM believes in it too." " Open, yes." "But not gaping." "In politics you have to learn say things with tact, you berk!" "And when to say nothing at all." " How long have you been a Minister?" " Week and half." "I think You may find a place in the Guinness book of records." "I can see the headlines already." ""Cabinet split on U. S. Trade." "Hacker leads revolt against Prime Minister." "That's what you want, is it?" "Ah, Sir Arnold, what news?" "That speech is causing the PM some distress." "Has it definitely been released to the Press?" "Well, the Minister gave express instructions for noon." " Isn't that right?" " I'm appalled at you, Humphrey." "How could you let the Minister put himself in this position without gonig to the public channel?" "We believe in open government." "We want to open the windows and let in a bit of fresh air." "Isn't that right, Minister?" "It's good party stuff, but it puts the PM in a very difficult situation." "What about our commitment to Open Government?" "This seems to be the closed season for open government." "Do you want to give thought to a draft letter of resignation?" "Just in case..." "Can't we hush it up?" " Hush it up?" " Yes, hush it up." "You mean... suppress it?" "Yes, I suppose I do." "You mean that within the framework of the guidelines about open goverment that you have laid down, you're suggesting we should adopt a more flexible posture?" "Am I?" "Oh yes." "Yes." "Minister about the press release..." "There appears to be a development could precipitate a reappraisal of our position." "We forgot the interdepartmental clearance procedure." "The supplementary stop order came into effect." "So, your speech hasn't gone to the Press." "It's only gone to the PM's Private Office and the Duty Officer had no instructions to pass it out" " without clearance of the PM and the foreign office." " But how come?" "The fault is entirely mine, Minister." "The procedure of the holding up of press releases dates back to before open government, and I unaccountably omitted to rescind it." " I hope you forgive this lapse." " Well, yes, of course." " That's quite all right." " Thank you, Minister." "Afterall, we all make mistakes." "Yes, Minister."