"So, you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots." "Now you've got your Con-Dem nation, Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up." "Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?" "Is revolution a word, or was it never?" "Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth." "Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us for water." "I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found." "This green and pleasant land in ancient times..." "Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!" "It's not theirs any more." "This is our England now." "Party!" "'You know where you're up to with animals." "'Which ones will sting you, bite you, piss you off." "'People are different." "You've got no fucking idea what people are about 'until they've stung, bit or pissed you off." "'People don't advertise what they're about." "They say one thing 'and do something completely different." "'You never know what's going on for someone, what they're thinking." "'What's what.'" "Don't miss your bus now." "About time you made a move, innit?" "I don't work any more, I was sacked for selling prescription pads and flogging them on to the great unwashed and depressed." "I'm on a late shift." "Meet me in the Jockey." "Seven?" "Great." "See you later." "Hiya!" "We meet again." "People will be talking." "I've just delivered your mail." "Is there anything else?" "It's just, I'm waiting for something special." "Again?" "More of the wrong names at your address." "Again." "I'll sort them." "I'll sort it out." "No, I'll sort them." "You must be snowed under, what with the fire and that." "We're up and running again." "We've got a dead mail room, opens wrong addresses and lost letters, and gets in touch with the senders and tells them who lives where." "I'll do it." "Four of those." "Eight of those." "Seven of those." "Five of them." "Seven." "Two." "Four." "Six." "Eight." "Two." "Nine." "Gracias." "Can't wait." "Fucking hate Magaluf." "Full of Spaniards." "No, it's mainly British." "You should come." "Half the estate are." "Another reason not to." "Come on, the more the merrier." "The more the cheaper, you mean?" "Group discounts are no bad thing." "Especially for the organiser?" "What do you mean?" "You'll be going free, won't you, for planning it all?" "I'm only the treasurer." "It's all Karen's idea." "Talking of..." "Can you get your hands on any more of those uppers?" "You're not supposed to munch 'em like fucking sweets, you know." "It's been a difficult month or two." "Right, I'm back." "Where were we?" "I'm all over the place at the minute, forgetting stuff!" "You were on question four." "Question four." "Have you ever pleasured yourself - had a wank... in a public place?" "Yes." "Yeah." "Where?" "On a train." "Work." "It's high, this bar, innit?" "Now, that's four points each, except Mimi." "Question five." "Have you ever performed anal sex?" "Yep." "Yeah." "Have I fuck!" "You're quite straight on the quiet, aren't you?" "No offence." "It's funny, cos you've had loads of blokes, haven't you?" "You calling me a slag?" "No." "Just because I haven't got a bloke, and haven't done half of what you lot have done, doesn't make me a virgin, does it?" "What time do you call this?" "Sorry, I got held up." "Time you had a new watch?" "Yeah, this one's playing up." "Tah-dah!" "Must have cost a fortune!" "Unless it's a knock-off?" "It's proper." "Work gave me a bit of a bonus." "Employee of the month." "Again?" "I know." "Will you get a room?" "We will." "I've got questions 17 to 20 planned already." "Ooh!" "Oh!" "I haven't got any knickers on." "Ahem!" "You rang, brother?" "The delivery's there." "So, where am I off to today, then?" "Havana?" "Rio?" "Whalley Range." "The address is in the bag, with the bill." "You OK to work through the night?" "That new driver's gone AWOL." "Always glad of the cash, brother." "Hang on, another customer." "Chesney's." "And Bex's." "What can we get for you?" "Where's it going to, mate?" "About 40 minutes?" "Cheers." "Business is booming?" "Can't complain." "Home deliveries, good idea." "I've got a bit of stock needs shifting." "No way." "He's not dealing." "I don't want anything to do with any dealers, right?" "Sorry, mate, I'm trying to play it halal." "He's trying to run a respectable business." "Yeah, don't want to get involved in any illegal shit." "Still come to me for a bag of weed, though." "Not any more." "Knocked it on the head." "He has, right?" "Nappies." "I forgot nappies." "Oh, I'll get them, shall I?" "20 per cent." "30." "10." "All right, 20." "And if the cops appear?" "Deny all knowledge." "Let your driver take the flak." "Oh!" "Sorry." "I'm not after a job or anything." "I'm busy enough." "But when I'm here and that, maybe I could, you know, help?" "You all right there, kid?" "You gonna pay for that?" "Zero tolerance to shoplifters." "That includes you too, Frank." "Fucking hell." "Don't do something you'll regret, eh?" "Dunno what you're on about." "You little thief." "Right, your mum or the police?" "Let go!" "Oi!" "Home?" "Give it back!" "Dad." "Please." "I won't do it again." "Bet you won't." "Please, don't." "Do you want some sex?" "You can have some sex." "How old are you?" "Hello?" "I don't know what goes on in her head half the time." "Daft kid." "I hope this don't mess anything up?" "Nah, don't worry." "Thanks." "I'll get her home, have a word, make sure she doesn't do it again." "Be back before you know it." "Hm." "You're fucking mental, Catshit!" "What did you want with all that weed, anyway?" "Just leave us alone, yeah?" "He ate all the gear." "It's not funny, Ches." "It is." "You giving it, "It's the police, it's the police!"" "Yeah, all them flashing lights." "A breakdown recovery truck?" "You've got to be careful in my job." "One fuck-up and that's it, you're on the nursery nurse blacklist." "Does that exist?" "Do you think Maxine Carr would ever get a job as a nursery nurse?" "See?" "Now come on, let's go to bed." "I'm in the toddler room tomorrow with a dozen little fuckers." "I need all my wotsits about me." "You all right, kid?" "It's for you-hoo!" "It's not my birthday." "Doesn't have to be your birthday to get a present, does it?" "I know we've always said no to this, but I think you're old enough now." "I love her, Mum." "Thank you, Mum." "Thank you, thank you." "I'm gonna call her Beyonce!" "I haven't taken my vitamins yet." "We've talked about getting a pet a million times." "You talked." "Pets are expensive." "It was only 500 quid." "I didn't mean... 500 quid?" "!" "It's an investment." "Can put her out to stud and make a fortune." "You don't put bitches out to stud." "Well, it's lovely for a child to grow up with a pet." "You never had one, did you?" "You should have talked it over with me." "You'd have said no." "So, you go behind my back instead?" "Fuck you." "Do you know your problem?" "You're a control freak." "We'll continue this later." "No, no, no." "If you want to continue this, we'll continue this now, you arrogant piece of shit!" "Morning!" "Hiya." "Don't you run away from me!" "I'm not running." "I'm gonna be late for work." "Bollocks!" "Stop it!" "Stop what?" "You're embarrassing me, following me down the street." "Embarrassing?" "Who the fuck do you think you are?" "Avril!" "I need to close my holiday account now, me and Micky's." "We need the cash quick." "I haven't got it, Carl." "I mean, I haven't got it right at this moment." "It's in the bank." "Oi!" "Did you get it?" "Ha-ha-ha." "Fuck off." "The suffragettes..." "You're off your head, woman." "The suffragettes chained themselves to railings." "Demanding their right to buy a puppy?" "Fuck off!" "We're a team, Avril, me and you, and we work best when we make decisions, not alone, but together." "I knows my place, master." "I goes home now and waits on your next instructions." "Yes, sir." "Urgh!" "What year is it?" "1973." "There's no fucking way I'm going through all that shit." "Urgh!" "Thank you." "Morning." "Hiya." "Looks like you're going my way." "Do you mind if I walk with you?" "I mean, say no..." "I mean, yeah, if you do." "I don't mind." "Hiya, Ches!" "What if she's already gone to school?" "I can't stay here all day, you know." "I've got a business to run." "I know, but think of that poor kid." "I'd do it, but I've got to go to work." "You make sure she's all right and, er..." "I'll make it up to you later." "My hero." "We should do that again." "Definitely." "Although maybe something a little easier on the knees?" "Low-impact exercise?" "Yeah, any suggestions?" "Swimming?" "It strengthens all the muscles." "I was thinking about something I can work up a bit of sweat to." "You know, I love it when I'm like I am now." "All hot." "All wet." "Badminton?" "Have you pulled something?" "I'm trying." "I trained as a sports masseur." "I could give you a rubdown, if you like." "Aaah!" "Yeah, now, there's just a little nub of tension just there." "Yeah." "That better?" "Yeah." "That good?" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah!" "What are you doing?" "I'm sorry, Mimi, but... no." "Hey!" "Wait." "Look, I, er..." "I just wanted to say sorry." "I didn't know that your dad would..." "It wasn't him." "Don't sack him." "Please." "It had nowt to do with him." "I had a fight with this girl." "I fell down some stairs." "Honest." "Well, do you want a lift to school?" "That your car?" "How fast is it?" "Fast." "What about your mum?" "You got a mum?" "Up in Scotland, Dundee." "Nice." "Never been there, then?" "!" "Look, it'd help if you talk to her, talk to someone." "No matter what you've done, you don't deserve this." "You think you know what's what and that, but you don't." "You don't know the half of it." "Leave me alone." "Please." "Whoa!" "What did you do that for?" "I'm late." "See you." "Oh." "Oh, fuck." "Aah!" "Look who it is." "All right, brother?" "I am." "How about you?" "Can't complain, captain." "And if I did, no-one would listen, would they?" "What you drinking?" "Fuck off, child abuser." "Battering your kid like that." "If you think my kid's face has something to do with me, then you're wrong, very wrong." "She fell off her bike, that's all." "That's not what she said." "Come on, ring the police, Ches." "And tell 'em about your paedo tendencies while you're at it?" "School phoned me, concerned that my daughter's having an inappropriate relationship." "You were seen kissing her." "No, no, no." "She kissed me." "A peck and I pulled away." "It's bollocks, I swear." "Police would be dead into it." "They love nicking dirty old pervs from Gary Glitter's gang, don't they?" "And don't you get any big ideas either." "Be an accessory, part of his little paedo ring." "Nursery nurse, aren't you?" "No." "Maybe." "Connie!" "Whose hen do is it?" "Oh, I was trying something different." "Any post?" "Been and gone." "And you won't be getting any of those mixed-up letters and addresses any more." "They're being killed off as we speak." "Everyone will know exactly who lives where... and that will be the end of that." "And I won't be breaking my back carrying a load of shit post." "'You won't be getting any of those 'mixed-up letters and addresses any more.'" "Have you been to the bank yet?" "Our holiday money." "Yeah, we want it back." "People are asking." "Yeah, where are you going?" "April!" "I wanted to apologise about earlier." "No, it's me that should be sorry." "I don't know what came over me." "I shouldn't have..." "No, I was giving out signals and I..." "I just couldn't, Mimi." "I'm sorry." "My wife..." "My wife died recently." "I'm not completely ready yet, you know?" "Yeah." "But I am a little attracted to you." "And, you know, maybe one day, I'll be ready for a relationship." "Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship either." "Maybe I just want a good hard fuck." "Beyonce!" "Beyonce!" "Sorry, not at this number." "OK, bye." "Change your uniform before your dad comes home." "Beyonce!" "Beyonce!" "Hiya, love." "Hiya." "Beyonce!" "Jackson!" "Finished early." "Thought we had stuff to sort out." "Beyonce!" "Beyonce!" "Beyonce!" "All right?" "Yeah!" "What's up?" "You seen her anywhere, Mum?" "The front door was open for a bit." "It's escaped?" "Looks like it, yeah." "But you've not had a proper look upstairs, under the beds and that, have you?" "That's not your uniform." "Letitia?" "You're right." "She had an accident." "She got run over by a car." "No, splashed by a car." "Got soaked." "So, you borrowed someone else's uniform?" "Yeah." "Someone from a different school?" "Avril Powell?" "I'm from ManLex, your electricity supplier." "Beyonce!" "You have an outstanding payment." "You said it were good with kids, and it's not." "I want my money back." "Avril!" "Avril!" "What's going on?" "We want our money right now." "Yeah, our holiday money!" "All of us!" "What have you done with it?" "Where's the money?" "You sold her dog?" "You were right." "We should have talked it through." "Stole the holiday club money?" "Borrowed!" "And private school?" "Going behind my back with fucking private school!" "You know what I think..." "Where you going?" "Where do you think you're going?" "Doing a runner?" "I'm not." "Just a minute." "We need to talk." "Get off!" "Surprise." "They make money round so it... it goes round." "See, it can't wait to fucking roll away from me." "Yeah, you know, I've had a bit of windfall roll my way." "But, you know, at the end of the day..." "Fucking hate that." "What, £23.59 at the end of the day?" "Look at it, eh?" "Just all rolls on." "The good Lord giveth with one hand, and taketh away with the other." "He's your employee, he's your problem." "This delivery arrangement suits me." "I'm expanding into new areas, the lad seems good at his job." "Don't rock the boat and fuck it up with your bleeding heart." "It's good business." "Avril?" "We have to talk about this." "We owe thousands." "Where's it all gone?" "Your wages is pennies, and mine is stopped." " Stopped?" " I've been sacked!" "Gross misconduct for stealing prescription pads." "No pay, no reference, no chance of getting another job." "I can't even sign on!" "Why?" " There were bills and... and rent and..." " And shopping?" "Instead of dealing with the bills, you splash out on a bit of retail therapy?" "Only to sell on." "Or presents for you, for Letitia." "To make you happy." " Open the door, sweetheart." " I'll sort this out." " How?" " Move?" "We'll move." "We've done it before - moved on when the going's got tough." "We've never run away." "We've only ever moved up." "Bigger houses..." "Jackson, do you really think we moved here out of choice?" "We can be in a new place tomorrow." "Start again." "Fresh, clean page." "Everybody happy." "We're not running away!" "We're not!" "We'll pay it back!" "All of it!" "Somehow." "Well, we are going nowhere." "I said no peeking." "Mm." "First one." "Ha-ha-ha-ha." "Mm, nice." "Mm." "Mm." "Hm." "Uh-uh-uh-uh." "Mm." " Ah." "Ah." " Mm." "Mm!" "Mm!" "Ah, yeah." " Ah." " Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" " Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" " Oh!" "This floor's a bit sticky, isn't it?" "Morning." "Just gonna rustle up some breakfast for your mum." " Enjoy." " Yeah, see you later..." "Dad." "Aah!" "I thought it was you." "She's been in there all night." "That stands for everything I hate, money buying privilege." "Must be nice for you, though, not having to sneak around any more, changing uniforms behind my back." "It's easy to sneak around someone that has their head in the sand." "I know the price of stuff and where the money comes from." "You happy with your plasma screen TV, yeah?" "Rare vinyl, blu-ray, holidays..." "Coffee." "Smell it." "Wake up." "Mum?" "Mum!" "Mum!" "We can't go bankrupt." " Why not?" " Be like everyone else around here." "It's OK." "Doesn't bother me." "Bothers your dad." "You could call Grandpa." "I'd rather go bankrupt." "Then we'll sort it out." "All of us, as a family." "Just a couple of shifts here or there, that's all." "Please, Chesney." "No offence or 'owt, but your name's mud round here." "If I give you a job, people will boycott the shop." " Sorry." " It's OK." "You did the right thing." " Did I?" " Mm." "Using your business head." "I'm proud of you." "Get shut of you-know-who and his lies... and then we can concentrate on us and the business." "Mwah!" "Oh, I'll get it." "All right?" "Surprised you called me." "I need a driver." "It's business." "That's all." "Just business?" "He's on his way." "You're looking good." "Between you and me..." "Fucking nerve!" "Got any shifts going?" "Go on." "I've been trying to shift some weight..." "Although I haven't lost a single fucking pound..." "Well, that could be something to do with you falling in love." "It's not over, is it?" "Between you and the running man?" "Nah, but it's not love either." "We're just having a bit of fun." "I've got some catching up to do, haven't I?" "We've been acting out our fantasies." " Is that you?" " Aye." "Did you come on your horse?" "I did that." "Even though I arrived on horseback, I certainly haven't come yet." " .." "Me darling." " Me darling." "Ha-ha-ha!" "He didn't enjoy that one so much, so now we concentrate on his fantasies." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, go on, I won't tell anyone." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, God." " Ah." "Oh." " Mm." "It's nothing compared to what you were bragging about the other night." "It is." "And we were probably lying about half of it anyway." "He's degrading you, Mimi." "Nah." "He is." " Ahem." " Sorry." "Thanks." "Dirty bastards." "Hm." "We should get someone to look after the shop for an hour or two." " Yeah?" "OK." " Yeah." "Tah-dah!" "Yeah." "I'm a free man." "Not banged up on a possession charge." "Like butter wouldn't melt." "Police just pulled me." "Luckily I hid this lot somewhere else." "I thought it was a strange order." "Ten grams for one house that's not Kerry Katona's." "I wouldn't get away with personal use." "Caught with that amount." "That's intent to supply." "Life." "You've been dealing." "No." "Course he has." "Do you think he cares about anything else other than himself, other than his business?" "Ah." "Think it's time we went our separate ways, sweet cheeks." "We're leaving town." "But I'll keep hold of this, though." "Call it a severance package." "You explain it to Jamie Maguire." " I'll get my bag." " No!" "Mm-hm!" "What do you want?" "I tried the shop." "The Jockey." "Everywhere." "You're my last chance." "We're pushed for punters as it is." "Please." "She steals from her own." "We'll be boycotted." "Her name's mud around here." "Kelly's right, love." "Everyone does hate ya." "I know." "Change of underwear here, along with your condoms." "Use the flavoured ones for oral, the mint for the ones who refuse to wash." "Toys are in here." "Make sure you clean 'em after you've used 'em." "There's some spray in there, but you might want to get the nailbrush on 'em if there's a bit of stubborn something." "Enjoy." "Come in." "I went for an Indian." "He hadn't done owt." "I just went for him." "Ha-ha!" "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Joking." "But I've got us a nice little something." "I've picked up a curry and naan breads and the works." "It's not very healthy, though, is it?" "Hey, well soon burn that off with what I've got planned for us." "No, no." "Were going to have a really nice healthy meal, then were going to go to bed and have normal, very normal, straight vanilla, nice sex." "You're not cut out for this game." "Sorry, love." "Id like to think that I've helped you become a little freer." "Its helped you and all, get over the loss of your wife." "Ill never get over Tracy." "She was my life, my everything." "Last Christmas, after her third heart attack." "She was a big girl." "That's nothing compared to Michelle, my first wife." "You like the big girls, then?" "I like to help women realise their true potential." "Like you, Mimi." "Samosa?" "I could see you wanted to lose weight but you were going the wrong way." "You need to bulk up, do less, eat more." "Get up to that sexy size 34." "Get the fuck out!" "I'm a feminist, Mimi." "I help women put on weight rather than wanting them, like the rest of society, to lose it." "Lose weight or put it on," "I do it for me, not you, you weird-sex little turd!" "Oh, come on, Mimi." "You could be so beautiful if you'd just... eat it, bitch." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, yeah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "I don't ever want to see you round here again!" "Got it?" "Urgh!" "Aah!" "You know I grew up with nothing." "Warming tins of beans up on radiators." "That's why I was trying to make a better life for you, us." "I was trying to make you happy." "And you have." "But I don't need things to make me happy." "I just need you." "So, its just the rest of the estate that hates me?" "They wont once we've paid them back." "How?" "Bit by bit." "I've seen the head and I'm going to do a bit of extracurricular work." "All right, lads?" "Nothing demeaning." "Well pay the club money back first, then start on everything else." "And, yeah, well struggle, but only as much as anyone else around here." "We wont starve." "And everything else, what does it matter, as long as were all right?" "Come on, lets get you home." "By the way, how much do you charge for oral?" "Oi!" "Get in, were moving." "What you doing?" "Jamie Maguire's fucking potty, you know." "Hell track you down and he will kill you." "Over a couple of bags of coke?" "Is that why you're here, to save us from Jamie?" "He's here for the coke." "It's all you care about, innit?" "Business." "Not interested in her, are you?" "I'm the only one who cares." "Take it." "It's what you're here for, innit?" "Now get out and don't come back." "Something else?" "Its not business, its pleasure." "I thought as much." "I've seen the way you look at her." "You're here for her, really, aren't you?" "You'd love to get your hands on her, wouldn't you?" "Dirty little fucker." "How much?" "How much do you want for her?" "A hundred?" "Two?" "To fuck her." "How much do you want from me so I can fuck her?" "Come on, its not the first time." "Eh?" "Or is it?" "Ill give you more if it is." "How much?" "A grand." "You'll bring her round to my flat." "No, not your place." "Or here." "Somewhere safe, neutral." "You can trust me." "Ill find a shitty hotel." "Call me when you've got the money." "Ill tell you where to meet." "A grand." "Cash only." "Business." "Hm." "Do you like that, Catshit, yeah?" "Ooh." "Mm." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh!" "You frightened me to death, you fucker." "All right?" "I thought we were..." "Oh, give us a minute, babes." "I'm sorry, Ches, dead sorry." "I like you and that, but I cant go out with a dealer." "It's not in my job description, I'm afraid." "No, no, I've sorted it." "I've given the coke back to Jamie, and I wont be dealing again, I swear it." "I'm going to save the kid, the girl." "Come with me." "Come on." "Just leave it alone, yeah?" "No, I've set something up and..." "They've moved off the estate now." "Just leave it alone, yeah?" "Its not your problem anyway." "You should have just let her be." "Shell be right anyway." "I did this for you." "Me?" "You know, I thought... thought you'd be chuffed, proud of me." "I thought you were special." "I am special." "No, you're not." "Well, Ill come and see you when I'm done here." "Don't bother." "I'm not doing it for you anymore." "I'm on my way." "Where are you?" "Hello?" "Fuck." "It's all right." "I'm not going to hurt you." "There was this car..." "Oh, sweetheart!" "Its OK, honey." "Its OK." "I know it is." "Beyonce!" "Where are you?" "Beyonce!" "Beyonce!" "Look, I'm so sorry." "Here you are." "Get yourself another dog." "I have another idea." "Are you all right?" "Business, love?" "You dirty kerb-crawling scum!" "Completely legit." "Cashed in some old jewellery, flogged a couple of things." "They say you shouldn't judge books by covers, and you shouldn't." "But people with nothing don't have to be nothing, you know." "And, by the same token, people with something aren't necessarily something." "Go to your mum." "Start again." "Thanks." "Lots of folk love the Queen and the Royal Family." "They think they're nice." "Its a start." "They've got all of those houses, palaces and estates, shit-loads of cash and jewels, and yet they still hold out gloved hands for more." "And yet you can go travelling and meet some of the poorest people on earth and they'll tear their last piece of bread in half to share with you." "Don't presume that someone's nice just because they look nice, and don't presume someone's a knobhead just cos they look like a knobhead." "Don't care about the way people look, but care about what they do." "Its actions, not appearances." "And if you're not nice, one way or another, somehow, you will burn." "The pub is mine." "And until you swear you'll return it, you ain't getting your bollocks back." "Don't move." "I had a few drinks and took some drugs." "You're a very bad man, Frank." "'You have to be stopped.'" "I caught some bastard shagging our daughter." "He's not some dirty bastard... they've been seeing each other for weeks." "Letitia's new boyfriend is probably my son." "'Come clean and my marriage is over.'" "Morning, Daddy." "100 quid?" "You're good, but..." "That's it." "I'm calling my pimp." "There's role play and there's..." "Any more shit from you, motherfucker, and I'll pop a cap in your goddamn ass." "Thanks, pimp."