"Dennis, state your location." "Over." "(STATIC BUZZING)" "DENNIS:" "I'm on Sixth Avenue." "I told you, all transmissions must end with the word "over."" "Over." "Whatever." "Over." "Now let's test this baby's range." "Go hop on the uptown bus." "Over." "I'm getting on the bus now." "(IMITATES BRAKES SCREECHING)" "(IMITATES DOORS OPENING)" "(IMITATES ENGINE REVVING)" "(IMITATES GEARS CHANGING)" "Joke's over." "Hey, Jack, you might want to look at these." "Who can tell me what's wrong with this statue?" "It has no genitals." "It's lonely." "Of course." "It has no genitals." "You know, it's been 10 years since anyone here won a Fashion Magazine Excellence Award, while Cosmo rakes in the trophies." "Do you realize, when we won this Femmy," "I was still married to the woman I left Maya's mother for?" "I swear to God, she gained 20 pounds on our wedding night." "Dad, pick a rant and stick with it." "You're..." "You're right." "I'm just nervous, that's all." "The nominations are due at any time, and..." "Actually..." "Dennis, make a call and find out where they are." "Great." "Where are those nominations?" "What's that?" "In my left hand?" "Thank you." "Okay." "Here we go." "Uh, the nominations are..." "Best Feature Article, Maya Gallo!" "Congratulations." "Hey, Maya, that's great!" "Oh, wow!" "I don't believe it!" "I mean, I worked really hard on that piece and I believed that it was good, but to have that belief supported by my peers," "(IMITATING MUSICAL SCORE) it's just a fantastic..." "We'll be right back with a salute to Andrew Lloyd Webber!" "What else?" "What..." "What else?" "Don't you think if you'd been nominated, I would've already told you?" "Yeah." "Well, that's where you're wrong." "Congratulations, buddy." "I'm nominated!" "(EXCLAIMS) MAYA:" "Yes!" "Oh, you see?" "You see, it's about time they recognized the work of a true artist." "Dude, all you do is this." "Click." "Click." "Click." "You know what, Finch, I'm a little tired of that attitude from you." "Photography is very complex." "There's lighting, there's composition..." "You'd better rest that finger." "Tomorrow's a workday." "Well, I did it." "Twelve years in a row." "What, turn 40?" "I was nominated for a Femmy." "Ooh!" "Yep, says so right here." "Now, I know what you're all thinking, that I've lost 11 years in a row, and that my hair looks particularly good today." "But the fact is, I have a really good feeling about this year." "And it's the conditioner." "I'd just hate to see you get your hopes up and then be disappointed again." "Well, don't you worry." "Esteban says this is my year." "He's this gorgeous furniture maker who's also a mystic." "He read the bumps on my head." "You have bumps on your head?" "Well, not normally." "But Esteban made this beautiful new headboard, and long story short, now I do." "You know, gang, I just wanna say that with all your nominations, it's gonna be an honor to be sitting at the same table with all of you." "Dennis, you know we get a limited number of tickets." "I hear you and I'm very grateful." "Go, Blush!" "Dennis, a very limited number of tickets." "Did you guys hear that?" "No dates." "Dennis, you're making this very difficult." "Wait till I start crying." "Dennis..." "Jack, you gotta let me go." "Four cover girls vying for one Femmy." "Three are gonna lose." "That's where I come in." "D. Finch, consolation prize." "I may not be gold, but I've got the genitals." "Dennis, I'm sorry." "We'll both be in tuxes." "We can do our ventriloquist act." "And you'll draw those little lines down from your mouth?" "Whatever it takes." "Yeah." "Damn." "I don't know what to do, Dennis." "We just don't have the seats." "Dude, I'll be sitting on your lap!" "Hey, Jack." "You wanted to see us?" "You bet I did." "I've been sitting here thinking how proud I am of all my nominees." "Oh, that is so sweet." "And I know this year we're finally gonna clobber those jerks at Cosmo." "So, I do believe a toast is in order." "Allow me." "I hope you all get Legionnaires' disease." "Not his best toast." "Oh, well, he'll calm down." "Anyway..." "First, to Maya and her brilliant article, "Cleavage Fever."" "I always knew that..." "Whoa, whoa." "That's not the article I submitted." "Sure it is." "No." "I gave you the one about testing cosmetics on animals." "Remember?" "I slaved over it for months." "And it was fabulous, but a little on the dry side, so I switched it." "You what?" "Honey, the truth is, who cares about animals wearing eye shadow?" "Mountain folk." "I can't believe you did that." ""Cleavage Fever" was a joke." "I wrote it while I was waiting for the subway." "You're so gifted." "Dad!" "Maya, I know what those judges are looking for, and obviously, I was right." "Well, congratulations." "Oh, come on." "Where's your team spirit?" "You don't hear Elliott complaining that I switched his photo." "You switched my photo?" "Yeah." "I sent in the one you took at the circus." "You know, with the swirly lights and the models laughing and there's a trapeze in the background." "Oh, no." "What's wrong?" "You got nominated, didn't you?" "You had no right to do that!" "What the hell is it with everyone?" "Oh, forget them, Jack." "I'm with you." "Oh, please." "You're not gonna win." "Oh, Jack." "Yes?" "Jack, I just wanted to say sorry for dropping that glass of champagne earlier." ""Dropping"?" "Jack, I realize that over the last eight years," "I have not given my all here at Blush, but from now on, things are gonna be different." "Gum on your shoe?" "Call Dennis Finch." "Sandwich taste funny?" "I'll take a bite." "And above all, I promise to give you the respect that you so richly deserve." "Allie canceled, and I put the ticket in your drawer." "Oh, by the way, could you get me a cup of coffee?" "What, are your legs broken?" "I can't believe those morons on the committee actually consider my stupid article a symbol of excellence." "What to wear?" "What to wear?" "You know what would be great?" "If I won and I got to go up there and really lace into them." "Mmm." "Maybe something low-cut, with just a hint of nipple." "I'll really have to pound the message home." "Give them something to talk about." "I'll need the perfect speech." "Something good, something poignant, something not terribly embarrassing." "I could issue a challenge, a call to arms." ""We can be better!"" "(SCOFFS) Like last year, when Margo Langhorne called her husband her lover." "What was that about?" "If anything, he's my lover." "(KNOCKING)" "Hey, Jack." "I need to talk to you about that, uh, circus picture." "I know what you're gonna say." "I shouldn't have switched the photos." "I'm sorry." "It'll never happen again." "No, that's not it." "Um..." "You see, that picture you submitted, uh..." "Elliott, get to it." "Well, I'm doing the circus shoot, right?" "And I wanted some beautiful women in flowy gowns against the backdrop of the circus." "Sword swallowers, trapeze guys, all that stuff." "So, I set the shot up, but it's just not working." "And everybody's waiting, and I can't figure out why it's not working." "So, I think to myself, you know, "I'll just adjust the lights."" "Out of the corner of my eye, I see a flash, and I look, and my camera's gone, and..." "I didn't take the picture." "Who did?" "(MUMBLES)" "What was that?" "A monkey." "A monkey took the picture?" "Yeah." "He must've skated by and grabbed the camera." "A monkey on roller skates?" "Jack, I'm so humiliated." "Do you know how many times Finch told me that a monkey could do my job?" "I can't accept this nomination." "I have to disqualify myself." "No, you don't!" "It's our chance to stick it to Cosmo." "But..." "No!" "No one can ever know about this." "You haven't told anybody, have you?" "No!" "Jack, here's those papers you wanted." "And, Elliott, I just want to say I'm sorry for that crack I made about your talent as a photographer." "Hey, you weren't listening in on us, were you?" "What are you talking about?" "Nothing." "Never mind." "And by the way, there's a giraffe out here that says he took your SATs." "This is it, Maya." "The main event." "Admit it, now that you're here, aren't you happy I switched the article?" "Yeah, just because it might give me a chance to tell these shallow idiots how vapid they are." "Would you look at all the beautiful people?" "Well, there's our table." "Hey, not bad." "We're closer to the stage than the Cosmo people." "Take that, you losers!" "Wow, Nina, look at you!" "Is that your nipple?" "Oh, just a hint." "Maya, may I run my speech by you?" "Oh, well, actually, I'm working on my own." "Okay." "Webster's defines "fashion" as "to make or to craft something."" "But that's not the way I see it." "To me, it's dresses and shoes, and often, hats." "But not jewelry, that's accessories." "One, two, three, four..." "What are you doing?" "Holding for applause." "Jack." "Jack, I need to talk to you." "What's wrong?" "You look exhausted." "I can't do this." "Do what?" "Be part of this sham." "I didn't take that picture and I can't take the credit for it." "Well, look at it this way." "Consider it a reward for all your great photos that weren't taken by a monkey." "I'm sorry, Jack." "My conscience just won't let me live with this." "Okay, Elliott." "You do what you have to do," "(CLICKS) and I'll do what I have to do." "Uh, sir, you'll..." "You'll have to put that out." "Oh?" "Will I?" "Yes." "Sorry." "Hey." "You guys, did you see who's here?" "Me." "Finch, looking sharp." "Somewhere in New York, there's a naked Ken doll." "(HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CHOIR HARMONIZING)" "Finch, that better be a breadstick." "Maya, dear, this is probably our last quiet moment before the celebration of my award." "Um, okay." "So, just so you know, when I'm up there and I say," ""There are too many people to thank," you're one of them." "Thank you, Nina." "So are you, Elliott." "I am not a fraud!" "Um, hey, Nina, listen to this first line and tell me if you think it'll wake up this room full of phonies." ""Ladies and gentlemen." ""We should be ashamed of ourselves!"" "What do you think?" "I think you need to have some sex." "(GROANS)" "Sea breeze." "Beer." "Well, hello again." "Yeah, hi." "Liz Tesh, New York Post." "Dennis Finch." "Hey, are you over there at table 10?" "Ugh!" "Yeah, they always seat me with all those stupid models." "The only good part is I get eight dinners." "Right." "Right." "So, is there an extra seat over there?" "Yeah, my date canceled on me." "He said he had a work emergency." ""Emergency"?" "He's a poet." "So, uh, about that seat..." "Yeah, you want it?" "Let's go." "You like steak?" "There's four left." "I mean, if you count the one in my purse." "Good evening and welcome to this year's Fashion Magazine Excellence Awards." "Oh, this guy hosted last year." "He's great!" "So, do we really want to sit here for three hours, or can we just give all the awards to Cosmo?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Get off the stage, you hack!" "Excuse me, are you Elliott DiMauro?" "Yes." "I have to tell you, I saw your circus picture in the lobby." "Amazing." "Yeah." "It's so raw." "So primal." "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "I..." "Just stop taunting me!" "Yes, sir." "Elliott, will you please pull it together?" "I'm sorry, Jack." "I..." "Monkey." "Monkey!" "If you don't stop this nonsense," "I'm gonna drag you outside and beat the crap out of you!" "Our first category is Best Achievement in Fashion Photography." "Oh, God!" "And the nominees are Peter Lindbergh for Vogue," "Theodore Miller for Elle," "Nancy Jones for Cosmopolitan and Elliott DiMauro for Blush." "And the Femmy goes to..." "Oh, please, don't let me win." "Please, don't let me win." "Please, don't let me win." "Nancy Jones for Cosmo." "What?" "Her?" "Oh, give me a break!" "This thing is fixed!" "I was robbed!" "Look at them gloat." "Big deal, you beat a monkey!" "So I said, "Fine, if everybody else in this house" ""wants me to leave, I'll leave." "But some parents you turned out to be."" "Hey, uh, what happened to that woman that was sitting here?" "Who?" "Tall, brown hair, black dress..." "Oh, I think she left." "Left?" "Where did she go?" "You know, I'm beginning to think that you're not all that interested in my story." "No." "No." "That's not..." "Another sea breeze when you get a chance." "Make it two." "You." "Hello." "Hi." "I have been looking for you all night." "You have?" "Get away from my boyfriend!" "Get away!" "What?" "What?" "He's mine, bitch!" "No!" "I'm not..." "What?" "Are you nuts?" "I thought she was bothering you." "Bothering me?" "Do you realize what I had to go through to get here tonight, on the off-chance I would even get to look at a woman like that?" "And then just when the impossible is about to come true, you, the steak-woofing psycho, come in and screw it all up!" "Want to go to the coatroom and see my boobs?" "Yeah, all right." "In the category of Best Fashion Spread..." "All right, Nina." "This is gonna be your night!" "Take away everything pointy." "And the nominees are" "Margo Langhorne for Vogue," "Dora Cohen for Elle," "Curtis DeVille for Cosmopolitan and Nina Van Horn for Blush." "And the Femmy goes to" "Nina Van Horn for Blush!" "(EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God!" "Nina, don't forget to say my name!" "(CLEARS THROAT)" ""Ladies and gentlemen, we should be ashamed of ourselves!"" "Huh?" "What the hell?" "She took the wrong speech." "NINA:" "Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)" ""How many of you looked in the mirror as you were getting ready tonight" ""and thought, 'I don't measure up'?"" "I thought that!" ""Isn't it time to fill our pages" ""with stories and images that make people feel good about themselves?" ""Articles like 'Cleavage Fever' should be ridiculed, not rewarded." ""We should appeal to people's minds instead of preying on their fears." ""We can do better." "(GIGGLES)" ""But someone has to take the first step." ""Therefore, with hope for a brighter tomorrow, I must" ""decline this award." "Thank you."" "What?" "Hey, Cosmo, it still counts!" "Amazing." "I'm just glad that somebody finally had the guts to say it." "And now, the nominees for Best Feature Article." "Maya Gallo for Blush magazine," "Krista Raine for Allure," "Shelly Adler for Cosmopolitan and Joy Gordon for Vogue." "Please don't let me win." "Please don't let me win." "Please don't let me win." "And the Femmy goes to" "Maya Gallo for "Cleavage Fever."" "You should be ashamed." "Hey!" "It still counts!" "Nice catch." "I've seen your work." "It's very good." "The composition." "The framing." "The swirly lights." "Ah." "And it says here you ride a tricycle." "Can you start Monday?" "(MONKEY GIBBERING) Oh, good." "Well..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I think it's gonna work fine."