"[Applause]" "Our next guest is A terrific musician." "We're really lucky To have him tonight." "His new cd is called eventually." "It's already out of here And in my car cd player." "And he's here to sing "Ain't got me."" "Please welcome Paul westerberg!" "* You got *" "* Call waiting *" "* Now that's irritating *" "* Me to no end *" "* I take a shot *" "* Your hall of fame is *" "* Littered with famous *" "* Women and men *" "* You've got 'em all On your wall *" "* I'm the last Of the dying' breed *" "* 'Cause you ain't got me *" "* No, you ain't *" "* Oh, no, You ain't got me *" "* No, you ain't *" "* No, you ain't *" "* Got *" "Who are you waving at?" "The girl In the front row." "Wow." "Nice rack." "That's alex." "Who's alex?" "That's the girl I've been dating." "Ohh." "Oh." "Nice rack." "* You got a voice Like the last day *" "* Of catholic school *" "* Oh, you world's got Everything *" "* That you ever need *" "* But you ain't got me *" "* No, you ain't *" "* No, you ain't got me *" "* No, you ain't, No, you ain't *" "* No, you ain't *" "* No-ho * * No-ho *" "* Got *" "* Me *" "* You've got broadway, The longest street *" "* I hear *" "* With the shortest memory *" "Buddy, I'm tellin' ya." "You hit one out of The park tonight." "Yep." "That's 'cause I'm Not choking' up as much On my penis." "Listen, I'm tellin' ya." "The last 6 weeks have been" "The best shows I've seen You do in years," "And it's all Because you're happy." "I'm what?" "You arehappy!" "Oh!" "Well, I've been Feeling something Lately." "I couldn't put my finger On it." "Maybe it's that-- What'd you call it?" "Happy!" "10 kisses, Shortest one, one long as 20." "Yeah, why don't you Go get a costume And come back?" "Oh, yeah, It's a little rough." "There he is." "Oh, Larry, god, You were so great." "Oh, thanks." "Thank you for asking me." "And, arthur, thank you." "You gave me The best seat In the house." "Pleasure, my dear." "Hey, do you think When I come out To do the monologue," "I should just rush To the front of the stage" "And shake everyone's hand The way Leno does?" "Larry, I made Reservations For you at 7:30." "Well, shouldn't we be" "Yes." "It's really nice To finally meet you, Alex." "Here's keys, credit card." "I like her." "Well, too bad." "She's mine." "Arthur, why don't You come?" "Come to dinner With us." "Oh, thank you, sweet." "I'm afraid I can't." "A producer's day Is never done." "Yeah, he's still Got to take Hank apart" "And put him back In the box." "You've inspired him so much, He'll be on for hours." "Good night." "Everyone likes you." "Really?" "I likeeveryone." "You were amazing." "Hey, now." "Hank Kingsley." "And you must be alex." "Alex, yes." "Nice to meet you, Hank." "Nice to meet you, Likewise." "May I say that You are a" "You're a lucky man, Mr. Larry Sanders." "Why, are you quitting?" "So" "No, no." "I think you Know what I mean." "Well, I don't want To hold you guys up." "Have a nice evening." "It was a pleasure Meeting you,alex." "Yes." "Yeah." "I'll see You, uh..." "Tomorrow." "Yeah." "Ok, why don't you Put that away?" "I don't usually hear that Until my pants are off." "Ha ha ha." "No, really, What are you doing?" "It's a sketch That phil wrote." "I just got To finish it" "And then I can Put it away." "It's funny." "Hank's playing the mermaid?" "Yeah, Hank always Plays the mermaid." "That seems A little broad, you know?" "I mean, you should Get a woman." "It's hipper." "That's not a bad idea." "Yeah." "I don't know." "A man dressing as a woman" "Is a little..." "Benny hill." "Don't you think?" "I hadn't Thought of that." "You might be right." "That's what we are." "We arebenny hill." "[Laughing]" "You're right." "It's something I should think about." "Yeah." "You know, I could play that part." "Of the, uh..." "I'm sorry." "Oh, god." "Of the mermaid or" "That was so just..." "Presumptuous." "It's ok." "Awkward position" "No, it's not." "I feel-- I feel really bad." "I can't believe That came out." "I think you should do it." "And i'll tell you why." "Why?" "'Cause I'm never going To be able to talk Hank" "Into going up into that Bed and breakfast with me" "And I think I have A shot with you." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh." "Good morning, o great one!" "Are you talking To me or my ass?" "All right!" "Let's a get a camera in here!" "The show is already Starting!" "[Door closes]" "On our show tonight, We will have the lovely Daisy fuentes." "I like her." "And afterwards," "We'll meet with vice president Of entertainment roger bingham" "Along with several Of the national Affiliate heads" "Who'll be stopping by To press the flesh." "Is that drunk guy From chicago coming?" "Ed wallace." "Ha ha." "No." "He doesn't drink anymore." "Oh, thank god." "That guy really needed To get that under control." "No, I mean He stopped drinking" "Because he fell Into lake michigan and drowned." "Oh, god." "Which of The 12 steps is that?" "The last one." "I mean, it's a shame Because we're doing The mermaid sketch" "And ed always chuckled At that one." "Yeah." "By the way, I asked alex" "To play the mermaid In the sketch." "Oh?" "Yeah." "Is that ok?" "I think it's, uh..." "It's a little hipper That way." "Hipper, huh?" "Ha ha." "Yeah." "Uh!" "I see." "What's wrong?" "Well, Hank always did" "The mermaid sketch." "Yeah." "I know." "I know, but I think This will be good." "You do?" "Yeah." "Well, can she act?" "It's the mermaid sketch." "Hey, buddy, Want to run lines?" "Listen, I got to go Work on the monologue With phil." "Excuse me." "Ok." "Well..." "I'm excited about The sketch." "You know, some Of the other sketches, Sometimes, you know," "They get a little broad, But, uh..." "This mermaid sketch, There's some good stuff In here." "Well, you can stow The costume, Hank," "Because, uh..." "How can I put this?" "Alex will be doing The mermaid." "But I've always played The mermaid." "That's what I said, But not this time." "People know me As the mermaid" "I know, but I'm sorry." "That's the way it is." "Well, I think you're asking For some big trouble here." "Yeah, how so?" "Well, i" " I know people." "And she is no mermaid." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "And there's something Behind her eyes." "That would be Her brain, Hank," "An organ that you may not Be familiar with." "Fuck." "Fuck." "[Applause]" "And, uh, now it's time For another episode of the sailor and the mermaid." "Tonight the mermaid Will be played" "By a lovely and talented Lady instead of me." "[Audience laughs]" "In this episode, The sailor and the mermaid" "Discuss visiting The fin-laws." "I-- well, honey, What do you expect?" "You married an octopus." "He has 8 arms." "I know." "Well, just next time" "Cover your blow-hole." "Larry: honey, I'm home!" "Oh, I hear the, uh, The anchor and chain." "I gotta go." "[Audience cheering]" "This is really funny." "You're probably wondering Why I'm not playing The mermaid, right?" "Huh?" "Well, I am the mermaid." "Does Larry come back After this?" "Oh, man." "Look at that." "I mean, look at her." "I mean, do you really Buy that she has ever Been underwater?" "Huh?" "I don't." "I'm sorry, I don't." "Oh, not now, Captain zach." "No, I'm just not In the mood." "But, honey, I've been On a boat for 6 months," "Just rocking and rocking And rocking," "Just with other men." "It's just awful!" "There was one guy Who was eaten by a whale." "Oh, those whales." "They can eat anything." "They're so lucky, And you don't hear People standing around" "Saying, "look how fat That whale got."" "Alex, you were So funny!" "Really?" "Yeah." "Oh, god." "Do you think so?" "Yeah!" "It was so hard Not to laugh." "No!" "You were great." "You were great." "You really were." "Thanks." "Oh, you know what?" "I was wondering." "Do you think I could get A videocassette of the show?" "Sure." "That's no problem." "I can have it ready For you by the end Of the week." "I want-- well, I wanted It tomorrow so I could Give it to my agent." "Oh." "Well, That's no problem." "I can just have them Put a rush on it." "Beverly, Larry is so lucky To have someone like you." "I'm telling you." "Do you mind?" "[Sighs deeply]" "Mmm!" "Hey." "Is that, um..." "The president of nbc Over there?" "Warren littlefield?" "Yeah." "I'm hoping He doesn't see me." "It's too late." "Hello, Larry." "Oh, warren, hey." "How you doing?" "Good to see you." "I'm great." "Nice to see you." "This is alex markham." "Hi." "Nice to meet you, Mr. Littlefield." "Nice to meet you." "Hey, what are you up to?" "I just thought I'd come by, Check out the competition." "Doesn't seem like you have A lot to worry about." "You're-- you know-- Doing so well." "Is nbc doing well?" "We're keeping the lights on." "Good for you." "Good for you." "You know, jay sends his best." "Oh, listen, you Tell jay, by the way," "I love that new opening Where he charges out" "And greets everybody, Shakes their hand." "Yeah, you do?" "That was my idea." "It's still good." "Warren, warren, Get the hell away from Larry." "Hey, roger, how are you?" "I'm good." "How are you?" "Good." "Good." "Glad to hear it." "I was just telling Warren here" "We're doing a little Counter programming." "We've got a thing Called must pee tv." "Oh, funny!" "Well." "Well, good to see you," "And i'll just say hi to some Of my other friends here." "See you later." "So, Larry, saw The network feed." "Show was good tonight." "Good." "Thanks." "Appreciate it." "I thought it was A good one, too." "Now, do I recognize The lovely mermaid?" "Yes." "Hi." "Hi." "Alex markham." "Alex markham." "Now, you-- you were Really funny tonight." "Really?" "Thanks." "I guess that means I get my own show." "[Both laughing]" "She can have mine For 10 bucks." "Now, look-it, I was Just going over the numbers" "For our meeting on friday And your demos in The major markets" "Are holding strong." "I think there's always A little room for improvement" "In the midwest, But we can discuss that." "So i'll see you friday." "All right." "And it was A pleasure to meet you." "Good night." "People here" "Yeah, we're going To have to go." "I know." "I'm just going To go to the ladies room, ok?" "Ok." "Baby, you look so handsome." "Thanks." "Then we're going." "We're going." "You just" "Larry and I are very, Very close." "Larry." "You understand?" "That's a comfort That comes" "From years and years Of working together." "You know I was nervous?" "It was really fun," "But the costume Was tight." "I think I have bruises Up and down my hip." "That way you suffered For your art." "Yes, I'm suffering." "You were really, Really funny tonight." "Really?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Thank you." "That means a lot." "Does it?" "Yes." "It's" "You know, we have A lot of projects" "Coming up this fall And I think, um..." "I'll keep my eyes open." "There may be something For you." "Wow." "That's-- That would be really great." "You know-- Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Do you have an agent?" "Yeah." "Um..." "What?" "But it's-- well, I'm just thinking, um..." "You know, I'm going To give you a number And..." "This is just easier To" "Ok, great." "Good." "Good." "That's great." "That's even better." "Ok." "Here." "Thanks." "I'll call you." "Ok." "Good." "Yeah?" "All right." "[Kiss] Good night." "Ok." "Good night." "Alex." "Arthur, hi." "Larry's looking for you." "Oh, ok." "Um..." "I was j" " I just" "You know, Ran into roger again." "I was giving him My masseuse's phone number" "'Cause he's having some Trouble with his neck." "Oh." "How sweet." "Did Beverly give you That tape?" "Mm-hmm." "It's in the car." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "I got it." "Looks good." "I think the sketch Went pretty well." "You know." "Do you?" "Really good." "You were Hilarious in it." "You think so?" "I gotta tell you The best part." "What was that?" "It really Pissed off Hank." "I gotta be honest With you." "That wasn't my main Motivation," "But, you know, it's Kind of like the icing On the cake." "Well, I'm really glad You got it," "Because I'm gonna get it over To my agent before I go To san francisco." "When are you going To san francisco?" "Mm-hmm." "Next week I'm going." "When?" "Really?" "For that Network affiliate thing." "Mm-hmm." "Roger bingham Invited me." "You're going to that?" "Yeah." "Roger bingham Invited you?" "Yeah." "Well, that'll be fun." "Larry, it's business, You know." "I mean, it's a big chance For me, don't you think?" "Yeah, you're right." "You're absolutely right." "And so should i Come over later?" "You want me to" "Well, you know, I should, um..." "I should go Get that tape now." "We love the new set." "It's testing great" "In all the primary markets." "Oh, good, good." "I think this testing thing's A little overrated." "Well, roger's trying to say That there's no greater test" "Than the whole market, And they love Larry!" "Of course they do." "But, Larry, as i Mentioned to you The other day," "Your numbers In the midwest are A little soft," "But the good news Is" "That's because they have A lot of twisters there." "You got shit flying around." "You're not gonna be watching tv." "Let's move on To something more pressing." "Let's spend a moment With the budget." "Our testing shows We need more money." "Look, I'm really a fan." "Give me a couple days," "And i'll do what I can With the budget," "But let me tell you Something." "The mermaid sketch-- You were very funny." "Oh." "You were very, Very funny." "There's a lot of buzz In the office about it." "I'd like to see A little more of alex In the show." "The, uh..." "Sure." "Yeah." "She brings A real feminine" "A female energy To the show that It really needs." "And, you know, It's much hipper" "To have a woman In that role anyway." "Really?" "Yeah, plus she's fresh." "She's exciting, you know?" "Let's face it." "She's very sexy." "Is that your thought or" "All right!" "Wonderful meeting!" "Whose thought is that?" "Yes!" "Well, we all kind Of came up with it At the same time." "Are you saying It's not your thought?" "If you want me To take credit for it, I'd be happy to." "Come on, Larry, Let's go." "I'm just saying I think it's A good idea." "That's all." "Let's go." "You have to have That suit tested." "Yeah." "Ha ha ha!" "We'll see you at morton's." "I want you to call Richard germain" "And you tell him To get rid of fucking bingham" "Or I'm taking the show To another network." "Gotcha." "That's a call I should make, man." "No, no, no." "You'll end up saying Something you'll regret." "I'll do it." "Artie, what happened In that meeting?" "Slap on Your shelled bra, Little mermaid." "You're back in business." "Hi." "Hi." "Ahem." "Ahem." "Look, if you don't want me To go to san francisco," "Larry, I'm just not Going to go." "Well, you know, that's Not a decision I would" "I would make for you." "That's a decision You have to make On your own." "I know." "Thank you." "Well, I'm not going To go so..." "Really?" "Yeah, really." "Why would I go?" "I won't have Any fun without you." "Everything's ok?" "I missed you today." "You know, san francisco's Really, uh, very nice." "Is it?" "Yeah." "Maybe you'll Take me sometime." "[Sighs]" "So do you think We're going to do that Mermaid sketch again?" "I don't" " I don't know." "I don't know if there's, Uh..." "You know, We space them out." "Oh, ok." "Probably, in a while." "Uh-huh." "In a while." "Yeah." "How-- how long is that, A while?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "A couple months maybe." "You don't care about My career at all, do you?" "You know, you..." "I don't get it." "I am" " I am so confused." "I happen to be In love with you." "And, uh..." "I'm confused." "[Sighs] Shit." "You know, I think Maybe we should..." "Take a little break." "Maybe we should Take a little break." "I think I've been Really supportive." "I think I've been Really there for you." "Huh!" "Right." "[Patting shoulder]" "How's it going, hoss?" "Good." "It's all coming together." "I know you've had A bad day, old girl," "But take a look at this." ""Network rums: jon stewart To replace Sanders."" "What the fuck is this?" "Roger bingham's Behind all this." "What a sack of shit he is." "And now he's trying To fuck the show." "Well, i'll take care of it." "I just want you To remember one thing." "This is your true love." "Every night, the show Is here for you." "Everything else Is bullshit." "I can't lose this show, Artie." "I'm gonna put Jon stewart in there," "If it's the last thing I do." "I don't know." "I'd be careful." "Larry's really smart." "If Larry wants a war, He'll get a war." "Arthur." "This is a surprise." "Not a surprise to me." "Roger, you're traveling Down a very dangerous road" "And you'd better reconsider Before it's too late." "Don't speak or you're fish Will get very cold." "Bye-bye." "That was dramatic." "[Nervous chuckle]" "Weird." "Larry on tv: you were In hawaii, right?" "Man: well, we just Vacationed out there." "It got to the point, Doing stand-up I had," "Like, 3 million Frequent-flyer miles" "And so I cashed them in-- It's true-- 3 million." "I took everybody In my family to hawaii," "Thinking it was going to be The vacation of a lifetime." "It ended up being The clampetts go to maui." "[Laughter]" "'Cause you get my family Together," "There is an empty k-mart Somewhere." "They show up At the airport," "They're using coolers And grocery bags for luggage." "Yeah?" "The skycap was, like, "Which one's yours, The samsonite?"" "And they were, like, "No, we got the igloo With the duct tape on it" "And the 5 piggly-wiggly Bags right there."" "[Laughter]" "[Tv off]" "[Sighs]" "[Tv on]" "The funny thing on the plane," "The movie that They were showing was homeward bound, the incredible journey." "5 minutes into the movie, My brother leans over and goes," ""You know that ain't Them dogs' real voice."" "[Laughter]" "That is" "That's a long trip, Isn't it?" "That's a long trip." "My sister got mad, you know." ""Thanks for spoiling it For everybody else."" "[Laughter]"