"[ Telephone ]" "Don't answer it." "Hello .. oh, hello." "No, I haven't asked him yet." "I will now." "Wait a minute." "Darling, you've got to help me." "Sister wants a tutor for Alphonse." "What, that brat?" "Well .. it's a waste of education." "Tell your dear sister she's throwing money out of the window." "Oh, now .." "Give me that." "Hello .. oh Philippe has a marvelous tutor." "Professor "Topaze"." "P'Arcy 3564." "Oh .. oh, I'll get him myself tomorrow." "Yes." "Well that's alright." "How are you?" "Kiss Alphonse for me." "Goodnight." "[ Alarm sound ]" "Sounds." "What's wrong?" "─ I have to go." "You don't love me anymore." "Darling, I adore you." "But you know as well as I do, that I must get home to my wife." "Shush." "Good evening, my sweet." "Where have you been?" "Exhausted, darling." "I'm exhausted." "I've had the most tiring day." "As it was, I had to leave before the conference was over." "Did you miss me?" "─ Oh .." "I've been almost out of my mind waiting for you." "Hortense, I draw the line at sleeping with Max." "Now, he has his own bed." "Oh, you leave him alone." "He's nervous." "Oh, Philippe." "I don't know how to begin to tell you." "─ What?" "Promise me you'll control yourself." "─ Darling, I'll be as stoic as a turtle." "Something dreadful has happened to our son." "He'll outgrow it." "Philippe de La Tour La Tour, I'm talking to you." "Come here at once." "This is what the State Academy thinks of .." "Your son." ""Charlemagne de La Tour."" ""Geography." "Zero."" ""Mathematics." "Zero."" ""Chemistry." "Zero."" ""History." "Zero."" ""General knowledge. 30."" ""Signed:" "Auguste A. Topaze."" "Ha .. a fascinating record." "Must have had on off month." "It's a plot against our child." "A plot fostered by that creature, whatshisname ..?" ""Topaze"." "Topaze or not Topaze." "That is the question." "Ha!" "This is no time for joking." "Has he been eating well?" "I demand that you see the Minister of Education." "Darling, I doubt if he could spare the time for tutoring." "You will drive me mad with your levity." "Did I hear you call me, Mama?" "─ Yes, darling." "How do you, my fine scholar?" "I've just been looking over your astonishing record." "Philippe, don't make the child cry." "I won't cry, Mama." "─ Oh, darling." "Now tell your father what you told me." "Well, I'm not the idiot that old Professor Topaze is." "He .." "Go on, dearest." "Don't falter." "Well .." "He's a communist and I can prove it." "─ What?" "Yes, Papa." "He's against the rich." "He doesn't like me because I'm a La Tour." "You should try to win him over." "But he'll try to win me over if he's so smart." "Come here, darling." "Now you must stop fretting." "Philippe .." "I want this Topaze removed at once." "Thanks, Mama." "─ Ah, darling." "Does this monster ever beat you?" "Yes .. all the time." "Is that so?" "Where?" "Oh .. oh, my poor boy!" "Oh you .. you heartless father." "Oh, my baby." "Perhaps we'd all be more comfortable if I used the bed in the other wing?" "Philippe, your place is here." "Darling, I must get some sleep." "I have to be up very early." "Good morning." "─ Good morning, Professor Topaze." "That's a very fine odor you're giving the countryside, sir." "You will have to excuse me." "Tomorrow, perhaps." "Good morning Dr Stegg." "─ Just a moment, Dr Topaze." "I have some good news for you." "Is it .. is it about my raise in salary?" "Oh, much better." "I am pleased to report that owing to my tireless efforts." "The highest honors that can be bestowed on a teacher are now within your grasp." "You don't mean the Academic Palms?" "─ Yes." "Oh, Dr Stegg." "Not so fast, Dr Topaze." "Twelve members of the Academy have now read your "First Steps In Chemistry."" "And are favorably disposed." "There remain but eight members, which is three members less than last year." "Then .." "I shan't be mentioned in this year's list?" "Ah .. yes, and no." "Colonel Lepping informs me that you have been awarded the Academic Palms" "In a spiritual, but not in a political sense." "That is to say .. morally." "Morally." "Well, that's something, isn't it." "It's very nice .. it give me great hope." "Have you done the potassium lesson?" "─ I should say not." "You'd better look at it." "It's pretty hard." "Here it is on page 86." "This is what I think of the lesson." "Professor Topaze." "Will you pardon me?" "I'm a very happy man and thank you very much." "Just a moment, Dr Topaze." "You left the electric light burning in your classroom all last night." "Oh, I'm sorry." "How could I have done that?" "─ Carelessness." "We'll have to deduct 7 francs from your monthly stipend." "7 francs?" "What a pity." "Monsieur Duval." "You have again neglected your duties towards the calendar." "I am annoyed." "This is your third offense." "I regret I am forced to remove it from your charge." "Monsieur Durand." "In recognition of your good marks." "The calendar is entrusted to your care." "Monsieur Le Grand, kindly leave the room." "Morals and deportment." "Monsieur." "Let this be a lesson to you that Professor Topaze .." "Has eyes in the back of his head." "You may return to your seat." "─ Thank you, sir." "Before we go any further, gentlemen." "I wish to appeal to a boy." "Who has been annoying our class for several days." "I willingly forgive him for his past offenses." "But I must appeal to his moral sense." "To discontinue his inopportune and undesirable melodies." "I know I shall not appeal to his moral sense .. in vain." "[ Squeaking noise ]" "Very well." "Dishonorable miscreant, you have bearded the lion." "Beware." "Gentlemen, I ask you to ignore these and other future noises." "Act as if they did not exist." "Today we are not going to concern ourselves with chemical equations." "Geographical questions or matters of historical import." "We are going to consider things of a deep and fundamental nature." "I refer to the question of good and evil." "We are going to dwell on the habits .." "Of civilized peoples." "[ Squeaking noise ]" "Let us .." "Let us take examples from daily life." "Question number one." "What must one be to succeed in life?" "Monsieur Tranche Mauville" "To succeed in life one must be .." "Hon .. hon .." "─ Honest." "Honest." "Correct." "Eminently correct." "One must be honest." "But what else?" "Honest." "But what more?" "Monsieur Durand." "He must be honest, and ..?" "Ki .. ki .." "Kind!" "─ Honest and kind." "Now gentlemen, let us presume." "That by some freak of nature." "A dishonest man becomes wealthy." "Well .. he is well-dressed." "He lives in a very fine room." "He has servants .. and an automobile." "Yet .." "Has this man any friends?" "Monsieur La Tour La Tour." "Yes, lots." "Ah .. so .." "You think this man has friends?" "I know he has." "And pray, why has he friends?" "To ride in his automobile." "No, my dear Monsieur La Tour La Tour." "Those are not friends." "Such people, if they existed .." "Would be merely vile parasites." "The man we are describing has no friends." "The people who knew him before." "Learning that his fortune was not legitimate." "Would flee from him, as from a plague." "What does he do?" "He moves into another mansion." "Possibly." "But .. may I ask?" "Would he .." "Would he be any happier in his .." "Shall we say, mansion?" "Yes." "If it's a nice neighborhood." "No, my dear sir." "He would be happier in no neighborhood." "This dishonest man." "Wherever he goes." "Whatever he does." "Will be inevitably tortured." "By the disapproval." "Of his .." "I know, I know." "I know." "A moment please, gentlemen." "I will give you an opportunity .." "To redeem yourself Monsieur La Tour La Tour." "The disapproval of his con .." "Con .." "Constipation?" "Monsieur La Tour La Tour." "I choose to think that idiotic reply was not a weak attempt at humor." "But a definite lack of intelligence." "Zero." "This dishonest man." "Would be troubled by the disapproval of his own conscience." "And so worries, night and day." "Pale." "Ill." "Fatigued." "In order to find peace at last." "He distributes .. among the poor, his entire fortune." "As a sign that he has at last understood." "That." "Ill-gotten gains are not worth while." "And." "Money does not bring happiness." "Exactly." "[ Squeaking noises ]" "Now let us turn to a brighter picture." "What is the fate of the honest man?" "Monsieur Tellinont" "What is the state of the honest man's mind .." "At the end of his day's work?" "He's exhausted." "Have you forgotten what I have so often taught you in this class?" "Is work tiring?" "Monsieur Cordiere" "No, sir." "Work tires nobody." "Only laziness is tiring." "Laziness is the mother of all vice." "Excellent!" "Monsieur Cordiere." "You will have a hundred." "[ Squeaking noises ]" "Permit me gentlemen, to elucidate." "Let us presume our honest man is a businessman." "He will refuse to misrepresent his product." "He will scorn unmerited profit." "And be rewarded by the esteem of all who know him." "If a war breaks out, and he has the good fortune to be wounded." "He will be instantly awarded a decoration." "By his government." "Aha!" "So." "You were foolish enough to mistake my kindness for weakness." "My patience for blindness." "My young friend, the velvet glove conceals a hand of steel." "You see that hand?" "If you resist it, it will break you." "[ Squeaking noises ]" "Monsieur La Tour La Tour." "Stand with your back in the corner." "Your back to the class." "[ Squeaking noises ]" "You are now an object of derision and shame to your comrades." "[ Squeaking noises ]" "Gentlemen." "Do not be unduly depressed by this painful incident." "I .." "Shall go on with the class as if nothing has happened." "As for you, Monsieur La Tour La Tour." "I will not yet pronounce sentence." "I condemn you to a state of uncertainty." "Doctor Topaze." "─ What is it?" "Bring your report card to Doctor Stegg's office at once." "Does Doctor Stegg know I'm in the middle of my class?" "At once." "Gentlemen, I wish you to take advantage of my absence." "By discussing among yourselves." "This question of good and evil." "And the problems of civilization." "[ Door knocks ]" "Come in." "Close the door." "You have the records?" "Yes, sir." "I brought them as you asked." "I was in the middle of my class .." "─ Silence!" "Ha .. hmm .. ha .." "Seven zeros." "Madame, I'm dumbfounded." "Proceed, Dr Stegg." "You've been with us a long time, Dr Topaze." "So I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt." "I am not blaming you for this error, but your secretary." "I hope you understand me." "I have no secretary, sir." "I myself gave Monsieur La Tour La Tour those marks." "You can see that is my handwriting." "Ha!" "Do you want me and the Baroness to believe .." "That this descendent of an illustrious line of statesmen and heroes is an idiot?" "The Baroness?" "How do you do, Madame." "You see, I .." "I don't consider your son an idiot." "For I marked him .." "30 for general knowledge." "That is because I have decided .." "That he knows things that perhaps he is unable to communicate to me." "Also, I have taken into consideration the fact .." "That he is able to find his way to school and home again." "However .." "─ Proceed, Dr Stegg." "Permit me to explain Dr Stegg the meaning of those zeros." "You see, the child is totally unconcerned with education." "He confuses himself by playing music .." "On a .. miserable little instrument." "He throws .. if you will pardon me .." "Stink bombs." "And .. whatnot." "That is what I call the active state." "Ha!" "On the other hand he will look at me with a kind of thick, myopic expression." "And although he is apparently listening intently .." "And his eyes are wide open." "He is asleep, Madame." "And if I speak to him suddenly." "He falls off his seat." "That is what I call, the passive state." "Sir, you've said enough." "You've convinced me that Madame is right in every one of her accusations." "Doctor Topaze, you've been guilty of favoritism." "Sir, I have been honest." "Ha!" "Either this creature is dismissed .." "Or I withdraw my son." "And bring the forces of the government to bear." "Madame, I beg you listen." "Sir, you are a vile radical." "Madame." "My sympathies are entirely with the capitalists." "Topaze, you're a fool." "Go back to your class." "Pack your belongings and leave the faculty you've dishonored." "You are no longer a member of my academy." "Where do you think he's going?" "─ I don't know." "Gentlemen." "I wish to .." "Assign you your lessons for tomorrow." "You .." "You will come prepared to go further .." "And more exhaustively." "Into the subject .." "Of good and evil." "This will be .." "Your course of inquiry." "On these .." "Noble philosophies." "The class." "Is adjourned." "For a brief recess." "Coco, after leaving you yesterday, I investigated this man, Topaze." "I strongly recommend against his employment." "Oh, but he's coming this afternoon." "Well, give him his bus-fare and tell him that Alphonse has the measles." "Better make it scarlet-fever." "Is the Baron in?" "Doctor Bomb to see the Baron." "Please, no business this evening." "My dear, that is the chemist from our bottling works." "I'm naming a new water after him." ""Sparkling Bomb"." "Send him in." "I must be nice to him, Coco." "Doctor Bomb lends his name to this concoction of ours." "And makes it possible for the public to believe in it." "If he baptizes the water, so to speak." "Madame, good evening." "Baron, good evening." "─ Doctor, good evening." "Sit down, doctor." "Baron, I have come here to make one last appeal to your better nature." "You mean, you have something unpleasant to say?" "─ Very." "I am not going to allow my name to be placed on the water .." "We are inflicting on our public schools." "Point number one:" "You obtained the concession by bribery and corruption." "Eh?" "Point number two: this liquid has no value of any sort." "It teems with microbes." "Baron, I cannot lend my scientific integrity to a swindle." "My conscience refuses." "You are being paid handsomely for that spiritual discomfort." "As long as you confine your deception to reasonable limits." "I was willing to condone matters .. but now .." "In other words, you're not an honest man but a nervous one." "Sir .." "I am a normal citizen." "Exactly." "─ I ask you to reconsider .." "This swindle against the schools of the nation." "You are also asking me to throw away some millions of francs, my dear doctor." "As a sop to your cowardice." "I grant you, we are misrepresenting our product." "And that it is a liquid totally unbeneficial to its consumers." "On the other hand, our advertizing will convince people that it is good for them." "And once being convinced, they will be improved by its consumption." "Sophistry." "Baron." "I resign!" "I will not allow my name to become a symbol of corruption." "My dear doctor, I hope you won't regret your sacrifice." "Never .." "Madame, good evening." "Baron, good evening." "I leave this house an honest man." "Ah, well let me be the first to congratulate you." "I don't think you handled that so well." "I could have induced him stay in a minute by offering to double his .." "Thirty pieces of silver." "Why didn't you?" "You can't sell the water without some sort of scientific endorsement, can you?" "I dislike and distrust men who are always offering to resell their honor." "Bomb is a fool." "But you said that was the sort of man you wanted." "I was wrong." "What I want, is an idiot." "Either a thorough scoundrel or a complete idiot." "And I don't like scoundrels." "They are too competitive." "But idiots are hard to find, I should think." "Oh no." "Not in the scientific world." "Do let us pray darling, that providence sends us an idiot." "Mademoiselle d'Estaing?" "Whom shall I announce?" "─ Professor Topaze." "Professor Topaze wishes to be announced." "I am seventeen minutes late." "And I apologise." "Professor Topaze, the Baron La Tour La Tour." "Professor, I'm sorry to tell you that my .." "How do you do, sir?" "I have the honor of having your son in my class." "Until this morning." "─ Did you expel him?" "On the contrary it was I who was expelled." "I take it you were dismissed for refusing to improve his marks?" "That does seem to have been the chief trouble." "It .. it's been a day of misund .." "Of misunderstandings." "I must confess I'm .." "I'm a little confused." "Sit down doctor Topaze." "Will you have a cocktail?" "You say?" "─ A cocktail." "Well, I'm not a drinking man." "But .. this being somewhat of an occasion." "I should be glad to." "Thanks very much." "Now tell me." "Are you particularly anxious to go on teaching?" "Teaching?" "Why yes, of course." "That's my profession." "May I ask, what do you hope to earn by giving lessons as a freelance?" "I know of one freelance tutor." "Who earns as much as 1,200 francs." "A week?" "─ A week?" "No, Mademoiselle." "A month unfortunately." "Professor Topaze." "Our talk has convinced me that you have been a victim of excessive mother-love." "I ..?" "My wife was unjust to you." "I wish to repair her offense." "I have an offer to make you." "I manufacture a curative water." "My firm desires to improve upon its medical formula." "And at this very moment we happen to be looking for a scientist." "Whose name and whose brain we can use." "Do you think you could rise to such an opportunity?" "I am sir, the author .." "Of "First Steps In Chemistry"." "Will you be good enough to read the introduction?" "Permit me, Madame .." "Mademoiselle." "Begin there .. on page 3." "A biscuit, sir?" "A biscuit?" "This is splendid." "Ah, Professor Topaze." "Before we talk business, I'd like to ask you a few questions." "Indeed, sir." "Now, to begin with." "Have you a family?" "Alas, no." "I'm quite alone in the world." "And women." "What about women?" "Women?" "I mean, have you some .. wife?" "Or whatnot?" "No." "No sir." "No wife." "And no whatnot, I assure you." "Very good, yes." "Well, then with whom do you usually associate?" "I sometimes see an old army friend." "He .." "He's become a waiter in the café now, poor chap." "Professor" "Providence sent you here." "I'll not take "no" for an answer." "I engage you." "Your salary will be .." "4,000 francs to start with." "4,000 francs .. a month?" "Monsieur Le Baron de La Tour La Tour." "I see through your little plan." "Sir?" "You can't take me in, in this fashion." "I may be a simple man." "But I am not blind." "I refuse your offer." "─ May I ask why?" "Because it is not in my nature, sir." "To accept charity." "My dear Professor." "Charity is the furthest thing from my mind." "You see, not only will I derive a handsome profit .." "From the medical formula you invent and endorse." "But I shall also, be using your name as a slogan." "The beverage shall be known as "Sparkling Topaze."" "Ah, splendid." "Now, no more nonsense, Professor." "You are my consulting chemist and head of the La Tour Chemical Works." "This unaccustomed drink has made me a little bit dizzy." "We will draw up a contract immediately." "The war." "The war interrupted my researches." "You will be able to resume them now." "Yes, we expect a fine, medicinal formula from you." "Have you ..?" "Have you any particular disease in mind?" "No." "Just a general laxative and health tonic for the school children of the republic." "Ah, that is something worthwhile." "A few hours ago." "I was a complete failure." "And now .." "I'm a consulting chemist at 4,000 francs a month." "And creator of "Sparkling Topaze"." ""Sparkling Topaze"." "Doesn't he know you have been selling tap water to the whole nation?" "Under his name, and with his endorsement." "He fancies we're distributing a sparkling water invented by him." "He's in there now." "Pottering around with improvements on his formula." "Here's his latest creation." "Is it any good?" "Topaze assures me it does amazing things to the kidneys and other vital organs." "Good!" "It should be." "It costs 40 francs a bottle." "Hmm." "Yes, I'm glad you like it." "Of course, I prefer our Sparkling Topaze at 2 francs." "Come and see his playground." "It's a veritable inferno." "Professor Topaze." "This is my friend, Henri de Fairville." "He's a very prominent politician." "How do you do, sir?" "─ Ah, Professor." "I .." "I've never met any politicians." "But I've always admired them from afar." "You've seen them at their best." "Why don't you two go outside where you belong?" "We were quite happy without you." "Permit me, sir." "To show you a drop of the water formerly manufactured for the Baron." "Thank you." "Will you .." "look through there, sir?" "Notice the abundance of animal life." "There are masses of the little devils." "Seven million in every drop." "Now here, is a drop of the "new" water." "Distilled three times .." "Containing phosphates, iron and innumerable vitamins." "Like a diamond." "Thank you, sir." "I will now give you an even more fascinating proof." "I have here .. some pieces of prepared paper." "Now .. watch me, gentlemen." "I will dip one in ordinary water." "You notice it turns purple." "And exudes .. a most unfortunate odor." "That is due to its acid imperfection." "Now, observe." "I dip the other in our new grade .. of sparkling .." "Sparkling Topaze." "It remains totally unaffected." "Marvelous." "─ Thank you, sir." "I will now show you." "Pardon me." "I will now show you the improvements I have made." "On the new germicide." "[ Explosion!" "]" "What a pity." "That was unexpected." "Are you hurt?" "That was my fault." "I left some acid in the jar." "Pardon me." "Your coat, sir." "Oh." "Excuse me, please." "Your hat?" "Baron, we have a table for you." "Sit down." "Here is the table." "Oh .. may I?" "Look." "Philippe .. tell him about The Palms." "The Palms?" "But Coco, I was hoping to keep it a surprise." "Well, Topaze." "Next week you will be awarded the Academic Palms." "Oh, it's impossible." "─ Nothing's impossible." "You're a genius." "The Palms will be in your lapel by Friday." "Next Friday." "Next Friday." "Well, there is Philippe." "─ Where, my dear?" "Do you know that woman?" "Who?" "I .. no." "Madame, Monsieur." "Would you like to see the music?" "No." "Philippe shall face the music." "To the Academic Palms." "Baron." "Well, Philippe." "You seem so much surprised." "At what?" "I'm delighted." "This is an unexpected pleasure." "Permit me." "My wife." "Doctor Topaze and Madame Topaze." "Madame Topaze." "Delightful." "What did you say?" "─ My wife, Professor." "How do you do?" "Topaze?" "The name sounds familiar." "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "Doctor Topaze is head of my laboratory." "You saw his picture in the paper this morning, my dear." "Oh, of course." "Of course." "Pardon the intrusion." "Delighted to have met you, Professor, sir." "And you too, Madame Topaze." "You have a very talented husband." "Dinner at 8, Philippe." "─ At 8, my love." "She didn't recognize me." "Excuse me." "─ Please, my dear." "What's the matter?" "Baron, I'm afraid you hurt her feelings." "You shouldn't have called her Madame Topaze." "Even in jest." "Goodbye my dear Professor." "Let's go now." "We must lunch together again soon." "Hello Maxie, darling." "Mademoiselle, I am so sorry." "You must overlook it." "I can't." "Nobody looking at you would think for a moment you were Madame Topaze." "It's ridiculous." "Where are we going?" "You know .. it was a dubious jest." "Calling you "Madame Topaze"." "And I sympathize with you." "There are times when I myself have almost wept." "To be called "Monsieur Topaze"." "Please." "Please stop it." "But you're crying." "I must do something." "You are really out of your head." "Que?" "Yes, you're insane." "Completely insane." "I think you misjudge me a little." "Do you want to know why I left the table?" "You had nothing to do with it." "Good heavens, I wasn't even thinking of you." "Now, you're just being kind." "Oh, stop babbling like a child." "I'm as sensible as ever." "Professor." "You're deaf, dumb and blind." "The Baron introduced me to his wife as "Madame Topaze" .." "Because he was frightened out of his wits." "Of what?" "Of her finding out." "Of her even suspecting something." "The way he turned pale and shivered in his boots." "Palming me off as Madame Topaze." "Shivers in his boots?" "May I ask why he should do that?" "Because he's my lover." "Oh yes." "You are jesting." "About what, for heaven's sake?" "About your .." "Your relations." "With the Baron." "Do you mean to tell me you hadn't known?" "What's the matter?" "Nothing." "Nothing." "You must forgive me .." "I .." "It's not your fault .." "That I had some .." "Curious .. misconception of you." "Oh." "I wish I could do something about it." "Oh, look!" "You're no longer a little schoolmaster." "You're a great man now." "I don't feel like a great man." "Joseph." "─ Yes, sir?" "Did you telephone the hairdressers?" "─ Yes, sir. ─ Well?" "Madame has not been there." "I'll have a whiskey and soda." "And are you staying for dinner, sir?" "─ I'm staying until she comes home." "Very good, sir." "Good evening, Joseph." "─ Good evening, Madame." "Well?" "─ You here?" "Where have you been?" "─ With Professor Topaze." "Just a moment, Topaze." "You seem a trifle nervous, Monsieur." "I am." "─ Sit down." "Well, sit up .. why are you looking at me like that?" "What have you been doing?" "Nothing." "Topaze, until this moment, you seemed an honorable man." "What's changed you?" "I will be frank." "─ I thought so." "And you could do a thing to me like this after what I've done for you?" "I've done nothing." "Now, you wish to deny it." "Out with it, Topaze." "Where have you been with Coco?" "To the cinema." "What?" "─ Yes. ─ What!" "Very pretty." "May I ask what picture you saw?" "Why, yes." "It was entitled: "Women Of Passion"." "You know, I never imagined that people comported themselves in that manner." "Although innocent of any wrong-doing .." "She was driven into the street, where the Argentine was waiting." "Now, quite unaware that he'd made this bet." "She foolishly accompanied him." "Forgive me, Professor." "You belong in a fable." "Huh?" "Monsieur de Fairville, and Dr Bomb, sir." "Philippe, you must do something or we are ruined." "Ruined?" "I doubt it." "Take your hat off, Henri." "It will quiet you." "And sit down." "Doctor Bomb .. be seated." "Will you excuse us for a few moments, Dr Topaze?" "Ah!" "So you are doctor Topaze, eh?" "Let me have a look at you, you scientific Judas!" "Dr Bomb, you're drunk." "Whiskers and all, eh?" "Perfect." "Who?" "Who is he?" "I'll tell you who I am." "I am an honest man." "Come to see the back of you .." "─ Ha?" "Sit down." "Baron, is he ..?" "Shall we send for the Police?" "Listen who's talking about the Police .. you swindler." "You must deal with him, Philippe." "He's going to expose us." "Be quiet, Henri and sit down." "Doctor Topaze .. this is my affair." "I demand you leave." "Oh no, sir." "I wouldn't leave you at such a moment." "Doctor Bomb." "State your case." "Baron, I'll be brief." "One hundred thousand francs in cash." "Or I expose your dishwater." "What .. what dishwater?" "This!" "This plague-ridden concoction, you swindler!" "Is he mad?" "─ Gentlemen, please be seated." "May I trouble you, Henri?" "Dial 3, draw 12." "Your visit Dr Bomb is not entirely unexpected." "So you would like a hundred thousand francs?" "For your goodwill?" "─ Yes." "Here, my foolish fellow are what in melodrama are known as .." "The papers." "I am in no mood for jokes." "Allow me." "It is my turn to be objectionable." "In 1924 one Emile Winkleman was employed at the charity hospital at Marseilles." "A short, squat, peculiar-looking fellow with what is known as an Assyrian beard." "Are you listening, Dr Bomb?" "Don't go." "I'll be brief." "We skip to page 8." "And we find, December the 4th 1925." "The same Emile Winkleman, beard and all, vanishes from the charity hospital." "And with him, a magnificent sum of money belonging to the state." "There is a great hue and cry, but Emile is never seen or heard of again." "However, on September 22nd 1927." "There arrives in Paris a short, squat smooth-shaven fellow." "With a pigmentary mole on his right cheek." "Who soon finds employment as a chemist." "And under the name of .." "So you intend to blackmail me, huh?" "With the greatest of reluctance and only in self-defense." "Baron, you are the most impudent scoundrel I've ever known." "Doctor Bomb, I'm impervious to flattery." "As for you, you sanctimonious swindler!" "Enjoy your ill-gotten gains." "While you can." "But the world knows what you are." "A fake .. a thief!" "Topaze is a thief!" "Put up a new sign." "Topaze is a thief!" "Topaze is a thief!" "Oh." "Impossible." "One moment, sir." "[ French language ]" "[ Doorbell ]" "Good morning." "─ Oh, it's you." "Yes, it's always me." "A gorgeous day." "The sun is shining." "The birds are twittering." "Almost like a day in May." "Where is he?" "Did you find out anything?" "─ Nothing." "But he'll come back." "Did you sleep well?" "Philippe .. something has happened to him." "My dear, you are carrying on like an ingenue." "I assure you nothing has happened to him." "There is a special providence that looks after simpletons." "Oh, you make me sick." "─ My darling, I'm sorry." "Philippe." "─ Uhuh?" "Philippe." "We must find Topaze." "I kept thinking all night of that look in his eyes when he left." "What sort of nonsense is this?" "Why, I swear you're crying." "I've never heard of such a thing." "My darling." "─ No." "Don't touch me." "I can't." "Not with him lying dead somewhere, surrounded by cats." "Cats?" "Good morning, sir." "Auguste .. you're hurt." "Why, you poor man." "Where have you been?" "Look at the mud." "And look at your clothes." "Topaze, you're behaving like a child." "Take that absurd expression off your face and sit down." "I came back .. to pay for my crime." "Oh, Auguste." "Don't be silly." "You've done nothing." "Nothing?" "Ha!" "It would be a little difficult to believe in my innocence." "I don't believe in it myself." "They will say." "Nobody can be as great a fool as .." "As Topaze." "It .." "Would be straining the credulity of the court." "What court?" "The court before which we must stand and be convicted for what we are." "Thieves." "Some people to see Dr Topaze." "─ Who?" "Quite a delegation, sir." "Some are in uniform." "The Police." "Tell them." "Tell them I'm ready." "Just a moment." "I'll see them." "Oh." "Here we are." "Bonjour mon Colonel." "Colonel." "So you came back to share our fate." "Yes." "You silly creature." "You're so foolish, you make me ashamed." "Well, my fine criminal." "Are you ready for the Police?" "I am." "Gentlemen." "Professor Auguste Topaze." "The representatives of The Republic." "Professor Topaze." "I've been delegated to confer on you .." "All too tardily .." "The honor which you have merited by your work in the field of science." "The Academic Palms." "The .." "Palms?" "The Palms." "But just a moment, gentlemen." "Gentlemen .." "Dr Topaze is a man of deeds, not words." "He is overcome." "Out of respect for his feelings, will you make the ceremony as brief as possible." "What's the matter with him?" "─ He's drunk." "Hurry up." "Professor Auguste E Topaze." "Teacher, scholar, scientist and author." "For your diligence, for your learning." "For your humanitarian labor." "As head of La Tour Chemical Works." "I, Henri de Fairville, in the name of The Republic." "Confer on you the insignia of the Academic Palms." "Count de l'Espinàz, First Assistant of the Bureau of Awards and Merits." "Professor Henri Buoyan, Second Assistant of the Bureau of Awards and Merits." "Monsieur Etienne Cannet, Third Assistant of the Bureau of Awards and Merits." "Colonel Robert de Chapette." "Colonel DeMorian." "Colonel Rochefort." "Assistant Commissioners of Scholastic Awards and Merits." "Congratulations, my dear Professor." "You?" "You are the Republic of France?" "I am a member of the government, Professor." "And you gentlemen .." "Are friends of the Baron?" "We're not only friends, my dear Topaze." "But .. business associates." "Oh, I see." "I understand." "I think you'd better thank them." "Thank you, gentlemen." "Thank you very much." "Speech .. speech .. speech .. speech!" "I .. can merely say." "I have dreamed for many years." "Of this honor." "I always thought." "It .. would be the happiest moment of my life." "When it came." "If it ever did come." "In fact." "I wrote out a speech .." "long ago." "It's in my laboratory now." "Expressing my true feelings." "But .." "It wouldn't fit." "It would sound too humorous." "I .." "I am afraid I have outgrown that oration." "In the last .. few moments." "So you will forgive me." "If I'm not .." "Speaking it." "I would rather say merely .." "Thank you, gentlemen." "It is more than I deserve." "Bravo, bravo!" "Come gentlemen." "We'll adjourn to the library." "Auguste." "You are a great man." "Without them." "No." "Now I am what they call a great man." "I am not "Topaze"." ""Topaze" lies dead." "In an alley." "Look." "Can't you see how different I am?" "I am a distinguished scientist." "I am a man of honor." "I have been decorated by The Republic." "I wear the Palms." "Coco." "Do you know of a good barber?" "Very becoming, Auguste." "Do you .. do you like it?" "Ravishing!" "Perfect." "Exquisite." "Is the back snug?" "─ Like a glove." "It's .. for the races." "Look." "It has a double-breasted waistcoat." "I trust you are comfortable, sir?" "─ You do, eh." "Dr Topaze sends word." "He will contact you in 5 minutes." "Well, I'm honored." "Now listen, you incarnate prickly heat." "Ask Topaze what he means by making me wait 25 minutes." "The man has delusions of grandeur." "Ah, Dr Stegg?" "─ Yes." "It is now a matter of 20 minutes, to half an hour." "Tell him we are quite comfortable." "Thank you." "Gentlemen." "Patience." "Oh dear, I've been waiting here 35 minutes." "I've been here over an hour." "What a busy man." "Oh no." "I just pretend I'm busy." "I'm flopping in and out constantly, and keep barking." "Do you know, if one has time to listen to people .." "They have no respect for one." "One must be .." "Elusive." "I've kept Dr Stegg waiting 20 minutes already." "In another half hour, he'll be in complete awe of me." "Dr Stegg?" "Isn't that the wretch who .." "─ Who threw me out of this school?" "It is .. now he want me to honor him." "By attending his graduation exercises this afternoon." "And distributing the prizes among his pupils." "Fancy!" "Would you like to come along?" "Oh, that would be fun." "But you might have called for me." "Instead of summoning me here like a tyrant." "It's better manners." "My dear Coco, in a crisis .." "One omits a bow or two." "You are in a crisis?" "─ Well, not yet." "But in a few minutes." "I'd .." "I'd love to share a crisis with you." "Do you mind if I sit here?" "It .. it makes me feel more effective." "Do be effective." "Send the Baron de La Tour La Tour in, please." "Auguste." "What are you up to?" "The most frightful villainy." "Shush." "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting." "I don't mind humoring you Topaze, but don't overdo it." "Oh, what are you doing here?" "─ Visiting." "I sent for her." "I have a matter of grave importance to take up, sir." "Ha, what a man." "Always bringing matters of grave importance to my head." "Coco, do you mind sitting over there so I can't see you?" "Certainly not." "Is this the crisis?" "It begins now." "So, what sort of charades are these?" "I am just .. trying to think." "How to begin the matter." "A disciple of mine should always come to the point." "Immediately." "Thank you, sir." "I am receiving 8,000 francs a month." "As Chief of the La Tour Chemical Works." "We both know they are non-existent." "Proceed." "Really, if I took my job seriously, I should have nothing to do at all." "So I have decided I should be more honestly employed .." "As .." "Cigarette?" "─ No, thanks." "As a partner." "─ What?" "What are you raving about?" "I am asking you, sir." "For a third interest in this thriving concern." "Topaze, you delight me." "Such effrontery is refreshing." "I am very much afraid, sir." "That you underestimate me." "I repeat my request." "Ominously." "─ Ominously?" "Topaze." "Do you realize how much a third interest in the business would be?" "To a fraction, sir." "Coco, I'm disappointed in our little Professor." "He's had a relapse." "He's as absurd as ever." "I see there is nothing to be gained by .." "By words." "Dr Bomb." "─ "Yes, sir?"" "Drawer 12, file 12." "Coming up." "Baron." "I am about to be very objectionable." "Here, as they say in melodrama, are the papers." "You will find, written out here." "A complete report." "Of your relations with Coco." "Dates .. sayings .. and doings." "Oh." "Your stock in this firm is in your wife's name." "And your wife, if I may say so." "Is a very formidable woman." "When she reads this fascinating data." "Her subsequent antics are easy to imagine." "You are the most impudent scoundrel I've ever known." "Sir." "I am impervious to flattery." "To think that I nursed and reared that Frankenstein under my own roof." "Philippe, is that all you have to say?" "Are you going to give in?" "A difficult situation." "Allow him to adjust himself." "Coco .. this would ruin me." "What can I do?" "Softly and silently, vanish away." "I .. have taken the liberty." "Of drawing up a partnership contract." "Blackmailer!" "A pen, sir." "Gentlemen of the Stegg Academy." "And you my dear parents." "We are singularly honored today in having with us an old friend." "I'm sure we can all call you a friend." "An old friend whom I've asked to return to the scene of his first success." "Silence, if you please." "Gentlemen." "Nobody realizes more than I that this is a great day of your lives." "I announce that in addition to prizes awarded to the individual students .." "For their diligence and brilliance in individual subjects." "The Academy this year, has selected for it's Banner Pupil .." "It's model of intellectual youth." "None other than Monsieur Charlemagne de La Tour La Tour." "And now the moment arrives which you've all been waiting for." "I have the privilege and honor to bring to you the distributor of the prizes." "The beloved scientific genius of The Republic." "My very good friend." "We welcome you back, Doctor Topaze." "Gentlemen .. dear ladies." "Doctor Stegg." "Members of the faculty." "Where is my pointer?" "Thank you .. thank you very much." "Ah, now I feel more at home." "And .." "My glasses." "These .. glasses have seen a great deal of service in this room." "So, gentlemen." "I suppose you are saying to yourselves, that can't be Dr Topaze." "My, how different he looks in his new suit." "And without his .." "His whiskers." "Well, gentlemen." "Since that day you saw me last, I have been out in the great world." "And I have learned a great deal." "You have noticed gentlemen, that I have changed." "But it pleases me to see that here, nothing has altered." "The mottoes, they are all the same." "Like yourselves, I studied them a long time." "And I learned to know them well." "But my dear children." "I have something rather sad to tell you." "It will surprise you to know, that unlike the lessons you have learned here." "In the outside world." "Honesty is not always rewarded." "It's very true, sir." "Very true." "I can even say, Dr Stegg." "That villainy often receives more applause .. than virtue." "Gentlemen." "The world that lies outside that door." "Is a most upside-down place." "You will be shocked someday when, full of maxims, mottoes and education." "You behold injustice triumphant." "And wrongdoing receiving the rewards." "Which should be given only to the virtuous." "Doctor, please." "You forget yourself." "Doctor Stegg thinks I am forgetting myself." "Alas, I remember myself too well." "Gentlemen." "Regardless of what the world outside is like." "Within these walls which are still dear to me." "Injustice shall not triumph." "Nor wrongdoers be rewarded." "I have been instructed." "To deliver the highest school honors." "For diligence, deportment and talent." "To one Charlemagne de La Tour La Tour." "Monsieur de La Tour La Tour." "Kindly step forward." "Monsieur La Tour La Tour." "I see by this report that you are marked 95 in history." "May I ask you a question?" "What can you tell me about the three Punic wars?" "There were three Punic wars." "During the first Punic war .." "The first Punic war .. war .." "Hmm .. you don't seem to know much about the first Punic war." "What can you tell me about the second Punic war?" "After the first Punic war came the second Punic war." "The second Punic war .." "Let us proceed to the third Punic war." "After the first Punic war came the second Punic war .." "And after the second Punic war came the third Punic war." "A very scintillate deduction." "Proceed." "During the third Punic war .." "They burnt Carthage." "They burnt Carthage!" "They had a war." "Zero .. zero .. zero." "You will return to your seat." "Can anyone answer the extremely complex question I have just asked." "Concerning the three Punic wars." "Are you sure you all know?" "First Punic war: 264 BC." "Second Punic war: 218 BC." "Third Punic war: 14 .." "Excellent." "Excellent." "Excellent." "Thank you very much." "Have you the prize, Dr Stegg?" "I award the symbol of learning." "To all of you." "I give it to you with the request." "That when you have entered the world." "And witnessed there .." "The strange evidences .." "Of amazing injustice." "You will remember that once, at least .." "Through the unworthy hand of Professor Topaze .." "Virtue triumphed." "And honesty was rewarded." "As .." "Read the mottoes .. on these old walls." "Fancy that." "Come back at eleven." "T-G"