"Mom, these pantyhose are shot." "I'll stop by the drugstore and get you some more later on." "Oh, while you're there, will you get something for that itch I told you about at breakfast?" "I'm way ahead of you." "I've already cut out a coupon." "Someone please kill me." "Hey, Wilma, I need your help." "Remember Lorraine Finster, the dame who stole my husband and tried to bump me off?" "Well, I think I found her." "Private Dick said he dug up an "L. Finster" at the Hotel Knickerbocker." "Come on, let's go down there and give her the what for." "As much as I love to put on a trench coat and go looking for your grip on reality, I can't." "I have to take care of my mom." "Oh, how sweet." "A gay man living with his mother." "Would you like me to preheat the oven, or you wanna just jump right in?" "Oh, hello, Karen." "You know, I took your advice about overcoming pain with visualization." "And you were right." "So I'm just gonna throw these painkillers away." "I'll throw them away for you." "Right in the trash..." " Mom, what are you doing?" " Oh, I want to go out to the terrace." "I need some fresh air." "Well, let me help you." " Oh, no, I don't want to be a pain, honey." " You're not a pain." "The doctor said you're very fragile right now." "And you have got" "To take- -it easy." "Careful, Baby Jane." "Will, why is she calling you "Baby Jane"?" "Is that a gay thing?" "Am I a horrible person if part of me wishes that when I go outside, there's just an empty chair?" "Enough with that!" "Remember Lorraine, the husband who stole my dame and tried to bump me off?" "Private Knickerbocker says she's at the Hotel Dick!" "Let's get her!" "I can't, I told you." "I've got to wheel mother through the park this afternoon." "And then later on, I'll be scattering the ashes of my sex life in the Hudson." "Hey, guys, look what I got." "I put together a care package for Grace." "You know, so she knows we're thinking about her while she's far away." "Do you have her address in Pittsburgh?" " She's in Cambodia." " Ooh, sounds like a lot of stamps just to mail a condom." "Oh, enough of that." "Jackie, I need your help." "Remember Lorraine, the dame who stole my bump and tried to husband me off?" " Well, the Finster hotel is private dick-n-knockers." "Wanna come?" " Sure!" " Ooh, God, I'm sorry." "I didn't even see you there." " Oh, that's okay." "Mother?" "Are you okay?" "Didn't even wake her." "She's a stickler for getting her 20 hours." " Well, I--I wasn't even paying attention." " He has the unenviable task of being my caretaker." " Oh, I'm sure he doesn't mind." " No, I do." "I'm Tom." "And this is my mother, Ruth." "Well, I-I-I'm Will." "And this is Marilyn." "She's my mother." "Although people say we look like sisters." "That was stupid." "I don't know why I said that." "I thought it was funny." "I love your wheelchair." " Thank you, I, uh, I rented it." " Is that a Roll King 2000?" "Well, if the Roll King is the cheapest one made, then yes, it is." "Take a nap, mother." "You know, you can make Marilyn more comfortable by getting her some adjustable foot pads." "Uh-huh, uh-huh." "Wh-where would I find something like that?" " There's this cute little hospital supply store in Tribeca." "I could write it down for you." " Great." "Thank you, th-that sounds great." "Okay, I'm gonna get my lemonade." "You boys keep flirting." "Mom, we're not flirting." "Are we?" "I was." "Your mother's adorable." "Oh, thank you." "Uh, yours too." "She's my best friend." " Do you think that's weird?" " No." "No, no." "No, I feel the same way about mine." " That's so good to hear, because so many guys I meet, it's like their mothers are impositions." "It's such a turn-off." " They sicken me." "Our mothers gave us life." "They nourished us." "They were our dates to the prom." "Oh, I" " Listen, th-th-the greatest tragedy of my life was the day they yanked me from the breast of that saint." "Heh..." "If it's possible, you just got 10-percent cuter." "Will, I saw a hobo who looks like your cousin Kathy." "Would you go over and ask her if she is." "Well, we'd better get going." "I'm perming Ruth's hair this afternoon." " Oh, you're kidding." "I'm doing Marilyn's hair." " Oh, you're not getting near Marilyn's hair." " Will we see you here tororrow?" " Absolutely." "We're here every day." " We are?" " Yes, we are." "She's very forgetful." "Older than she looks." "Had a lot of work done." "Here it is, Jackie." "Room 518, Lorraine's room." "Ha-ha!" "We got her now!" "So, what are you gonna do when you see her?" "Hm." "I've dedicated my entire life to finding her." "But I haven't really thought this through." "Well, let's see." "Lorraine is from England." "So if you really wanted to hurt her, you could hold her down and make her watch the American version of anything British." "Or" " Or" " I could do to her what she did to Stan." "Have sex with her until she dies!" "Yep, that's what I'm gonna do." "Open up, Lorraine!" "And put on a condom!" "Huh, guess she's not here." "Well, we'll just have to wait until she gets back." "And as your friend, Karen, I want you to know that I will wait with you for as long as it takes." "I am hungry for so string cheese." "I may or may not be back." "Hey, if you do come back, will you pick me up a Little Debbie?" "Oh, you love your Little Debbies." "I do, Jackie." "I really do." "And I thought I was gonna have to leave the hotel to do my sightseeing today." " Hey, beanpole." "Give me an alley-oop." " And what's the matter?" "Have you lost your key?" "No, just prefer going in this way." "Well, look, if you want me to help you, you've got to tell me what you're up to." "Okay, look." "The woman in that room wronged me something bad." "Now I'm going in there to sex the life out of her!" "I thought it was something like that." "I'm not sure how high I'm gonna be able to lift you." "My shoulder's a bit wonky" " Vietnam." "Oh, terrible war." "So many manicurists lost their shops." "This happened last May." "I was shot by a hooker." " Good morning." "Enjoying your stay at the Knickerbocker?" " Very, very nice, thank you." "You know, these hallways are rather narrow." "I had to walk right over this man." "Whew, that was close." "Okay, get me up here!" "Oh, no, it's not gonna work." "There's no tall British guy on this side." "Well, that" " Perhaps I can help you there." " Hey!" "How'd you get that key?" " Well, it's my room." " But you're not Lorraine Finster." " No, I'm her father, Lyle." "Hello." " Come on, mom." "We're gonna be late." "What are you doing out of your chair?" " I'm walking." "You can finally be rid of me." "No, no, no, no, no!" "No, this is not good!" "No, you are--you are right at the crucial point of your healing process." "You could set the whole thing back!" " Oh, Will, come on, I'm fine." " Marilyn, you're not." " I spoke to the doctor." " I want a second opinion from someone who says that you gotta stay in the chair." "For god's sake, will you just ask him out?" "You don't need me." "I do need you." "Right now the thing that Tom likes best about me is how much I pretend to love you." "Yes, honey, but I get stuck with the mother." "I mean, she's 120." "She was a nurse at the battle of Gettysburg." "No, I can't do it!" "I cannot possibly think of one more thing to say to that old bag of bones." "So, you still feel the arthritis, even though you no longer have the leg?" "You're her father?" "I can't believe that bitch has a father." "Well, the bitch does." "Would you like some" " Would you like some tea?" " No, I would not like some tea!" " Would you like some scotch?" " Yes, I would like some scotch!" "So, where is she?" "Where's Lorraine?" "You can't expect me to tell you that." "You told me yourself that you were going to kill her with your sexual powers, I mean" "What sort of a father would I be if I just handed her over to you?" "All right, then." "I'll find her on my own." " Or" " Or what?" "Or we can make an arrangement." "Perhaps for every kiss you give me, I could give you a piece of information." "That's outrageous!" "You must think I'm a common whore!" "So, do you want my top on or off?" "Well, I'm a gentleman." "So why don't you keep it on, and I'll rip it off?" "Do you know where she is?" "Yes." "Where is she?" "I don't know." "Didn't you just say you knew where she was?" "Yes, I did." "Wait a minute." "You have no idea where she is." "You're just scamming me so I'll keep kissing you!" "Aren't you?" "Yes, I am." "I can't believe I fell for this." "You and your daughter are both the same." "Tall British men with moustaches that tickle when we kiss." "Look at 'em over there." "Partners in crime." "Thick as thieves." "Don't you wish you had a camera?" "I imagine Ruth's very photogenic." "She was stunning in your prom photo." "It's a wonderful age." "I can't wait to catch up to her." "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older..." "And we wouldn't have to wait so long..." " That was fun." " Yeah." "Tom, your mother's partial's come loose." "I didn't know." "My hands just aren't clean enough." "Thank God for Purell." "Maybe if she'd stop talking for five minutes, it'd stay in." ""Oh, look at my pretty hair." "Do you like my pretty hair?" Please." "I've got potatoes with prettier hair." " Marilyn?" "Mother thinks you're such a good listener." " Oh, well, I'm just in love with her." "So, Tom" " I'm thinking, what about dinner tonight?" "We'd love to." "Have you been to Serendipity?" "Mother just loves how soft their entrees are." "I was thinking maybe more just you and me." "Oh." "Leave her?" "On Jiffy Pop night?" "You know what?" "Let's do it." "Let me just run it by the general." "Uh, hello, Lyle Finster here." "Early this evening, I placed a reservation for a petite Asian lady companion." "Yes, well, I won't be needing her after all." "Yes, I have the confirmation number here." "Yes, sir." "B-X-L-4-9." "Thank you." "Cheers." "Oh." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I was looking for my friend." "A bosomy spitfire?" "Big bosom?" "Spits fire?" "Have you seen her?" "Seen her, kissed her, felt her bottom." "Nice, isn't it?" " Lyle Finster." " Finster?" "Finster!" "I'm Jack McFarland, nice to meet you." "So, was Karen here?" "I have a tasty snack for her." "So did I. But unfortunately, she didn't want it." "You're dirty." "Dirty with a German accent." "Doesn't get any better." "Thank you, I-I-I'm sorry, but your friend isn't here." "I-I-I tried to get her to stay, but unfortunately, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me." "You see," "I am the father of her rival." " Candy Bergen?" " Lorraine Finster." "I am the father of Lorraine Finster." "Finster!" "You're Lorraine Finster's father!" "Clever." "Now, you know where Karen is." "Because I have to find her." "I mean, I cancelled Lili for her." "And Rita... but that's a whore of a different color." "Forget it!" "Karen is my closest friend, and I'm not going to do anything to help you!" "You're the enemy!" "That's exactly what she said." "But, uh, we managed to negotiate after a series of kisses." "I don't suppose that would work for you, would it?" "Don't be so sure." "I wasn't sure about leaving mother alone, but I'm glad I did." "I can't remember the last time I went to a restaurant after 5:30." "So, do you really like me, or do you always cut up your date's meat?" "I like you." " Let's do this again." " I'd like that." "Here's your penne." "I had them double-wrap it." "Mister... you know the way to a man's heart." " Excuse us!" "Coming through!" " What happened?" "Old lady got hurt." "She was making Jiffy Pop and her wrist snapped." " Mother?" "!" " I was alone!" "I wanted popcorn." "My poor mother." "Why did you make me leave her?" "This is your fault!" "She needed me and I wasn't there for her!" "Did" " She" " She just hurt her wrist." "I mean, th-the woman is missing a leg!" "She could have died, mother hater!" "That's right, mother hater!" "And to think I was going to suggest the four of take a disabled cruise together!" "Buck up, general!" "Freak!" "So, lunch tomorrow?" "Ah, Oprah." "What are you doing on that horse?" "Hello, Karen." "What the hell are you doing here?" "How did you find me?" "Well, shortly after you left, a queer little fellow turned up with this." "A Little Debbie." "Look, I wanted to apologize for my behavior." "It was wrong of me to mislead you." "But the truth is, I don't know where Lorraine is." "I mean, we've lost contact." "And I was wondering if-- if you and I could look for her together." " In your dreams, big Ben." " Well, how about dinner then?" " I've had my dinner." " Coffee?" " No, thanks." " Raunchy sex in the back of a dirty cab?" " I don't think so." "Look, Karen, I know that you felt something when I kissed you." "You know how I know?" "Because unlike a certain Vietnamese person of my acquaintance, you didn't shoot me." "The only thing I felt was revulsion." "And sloppy bridge work." "Look, Karen, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life." "I've let a lot of good women go, and a lot of bad women stay." "And the ones in the middle" " I've been rather mean to." "I'm not a boy anymore." "And it's time for me to get relatively serious with someone... that I kind of just met." "So, you're not going to get rid of me easily, Karen." "I'm going to stick to you like bangers to mash." "You're not getting your banger anywhere near my mash." "I'm not interested in you." "Get it?" "!" "So scram!" "All right, I'll leave you this time." "But, um" " Before I go" "Before you go what?" "Nothing." " You all set to go?" " I think so." "Will, darling, I know it's hard for any man to imagine finding romance without the help of his mother, but trust me." "It will happen." " If it doesn't, I'll just hobble your other leg and start cruising the park again." " Well, as long as I'm next to an elderly woman with removable parts, I'm there."