"So, Jessie..." "How do you like the matzah ball soup?" "Needs some bacon bits." "She's kidding." "Oh!" "I know that!" "Joking's in our DNA." "In fact, some of the greatest comedians of all time are Jewish." "Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, Jerry Lewis..." "Hey Lady!" "He's a convert." "You know, Jessie, there's probably a lot that you could learn about our people." "Great!" "Have your people call my people." "You see?" "You're a natural." "You guys do know that there's no way I would ever conver" "Converse about something like this without keeping an open mind." "So you'll both come for dinner next Friday night?" "Why?" "Because I've invited Rabbi Goldstein." "Who is that?" "That's the rabbi who converted your father." "Ben, are you OK?" "Matzah ball went down the wrong way." "Excuse me." "What's the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?" "What?" "A plaintiff." "Hi, is this Pinsky's Deli?" "Yeah, hi." "Do you have brisket?" "Great." "What about smoked meat?" "Wonderful." "Look, here's an odd lilele question:" "if a fella doesn't actually go through with the ceremonial circumcision, do you think he'd still be considered Jewish?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "How's it hanging, buddy?" "Oh!" "How's what hanging?" "Nothing's hanging." "What'd you hear?" "Hear?" "Tunes." "Grand Funk Railroad." "Oh yeah, and that bit about you not being technically Jewish and your whole life being a lie." "That's some kind of wonderful." "Oh yeah." "* *" "* Can't we find a way that we could be together?" "*" "* Is there any way that we could be together?" "*" "* And oh by the way, baby, do you love me?" "*" "* Yes, I do!" "Yes, I d Yes, I do!" "*" "I'm just saying, you come right out and say you're never converting, there's gonna be huge drama with my mom." "Tom, if I don't press a crease in my jeans, there's huge drama with your mom." "Just play along and she'll ease up." "So you want me to let her think this is even a possibility?" "That doesn't solve anything;" "that just delays the inevitable." "Yes, but the inevitable takes so much longer when it's delayed." "But isn't that so disrespectful to your religion?" "Disrespectful to the Rabbi, maybe." "But th religion?" "Solid." "It's just a white lie." "Ah, it's not even white." "Translucent." "You sure about this?" "I'm sure." "Well, I guess the odd translucent lie won't hurt us." "As long as we're honest with each other." "Yeah." "I'm late for history." "Bye." "Bye." "* y.y. Hey, Carter." "Thanks for the props." "So when are you gonna tell your wife you dropped out of college?" "When are you gonna tell your parents you're stupid?" "Really?" "Is that the best you can do?" "Sorry." "I've got a lot on my mind." "*" "There." "God, did you put a crease in this thing?" "Just make sure you keep it over the seatbelt." "Hey, how are my favourite Jewish neighbours doing this morning?" "What is he on about?" "Probably about his fifth beer of the day by the looks of it." "Bye, dear." "See you later." "You listen to me, Hill." "I happen to know that yoeaeat Big Macs and burn the wrappers." "So if you don't want your vegan wife to fi o out, I'd shut your meat-hole." "What are you ashamed of, Ben?" "No one's going to blame you for not wanting a chunk of your chorizo chopped off." "I am circumcis, , ?" "I just didn't go through with theereremonial bris where they use a needl to extract a drop of blood from your..." "So you're afraid of a lilele prick, so tspspeak?" "It's not funny, OK?" "The only other person that knows that I n not really Jewish, a rabbi no less, is coming over next week." "ckck, I don't ev k know if my marriage ilelegit under Jewish law." "Oo I living in sin." "We are not living in sinAtAt least dodon't ininwewe are." "gogotta find out so I have Hey, you know, I've got an old somcollege buddy in Bostonh." "who's someinind of Judaic scholar." "gogotta find out so I have Hey, yococould hit himt an old somcolup for some in..stonh." "You'd do that?" "For a price." "Lo a at you, perctcting your cool barovoves between classes." "Yeah, To H How do you u find the time?" "I I n'n't kn.. sty y but I waththkingng'I'o mamae e couou c cat a flick later." "Ah, no I can. ." "I gotta wo l le.e... mamae e couou c cat aAnthropogygy." "I I ha a a late anthpopolo c cssss" "The'e's gottbebe sterer w t to y y that" "But t ll calalyou latete OK?" "ByBy" "And to t thi y y quit school to make your life easier." "It i ieasier, OK?" "I I codn't hack the double shiftftand class.s." "So don't do double shifts." "So then Jessie and I will just live in my parents attic till we're fifty." "Even if you wowo triple-shifts, you'll be there till you're fifty." "But I'm due for a raise." "Right, Leroy?" "Well, the fact that you're my worst employee, it doesn't look good." "But please, keep talking to your friend on comomny time." "You know how we feel about organized religion." "It is the root of all conflict, the tool of the oppressor, the... the... opiate of the masses!" "Exactly!" "Mom." "Jessie, we raised you to be non-judgemental." "So then why are you judging them?" "I am not letting you go through with this." "But I already said yes." "I am notFine." "Then we're go throucoming with you." "There's no chance you're coming to this dinner." "We'll sit in quiet protest." "Fine." "On the lawn." "Go ahead." "With signs and megaphones." "I'll call Judith." "*" "Phil, you in here?" "You get it?" "God!" "Yes." "I got it." "Sweet Jesus." "Pinsky's smoked meat." "This baby kosher?" "What do you care?" "You're not Jewish." "Neither are you." "I've been waiting to use that all day." "Yeah, it's got that new joke smell." "My woman's got spies everywhere." "Great." "Come on!" "A deal's a deal." "Let's have it." "Oh." "Oh yeah." "About that." "OK." "What now?" "Well, here I am keeping a secret that could tear apart the very fabric of your life... and you get me a sandwich?" "Good God!" "Did you have to buy a whole cow?" "It's half a cow." "As long as Tara doesn't find out I'm storing this glorious beast in your freezer, your own meat is safe from exposure." "Here we go." "Whoo!" "Golly!" "All right." "Let's have it." "My buddy e-mailed me all the deets this morning." "Everything you need to know is in there." "Doesn't help me much, does it." "I know." "You're screwed." "Nothing like the smell of deception." "Let's get one thing straight here, OK?" "My lie is a one-shot deal." "Phil may perjure himself for a brisket, but we Bellows are as honest as Abe Lincoln on truth serum." "Sorry Jess, uh, anthropology's running long." "Again?" "We're studying erosion." "In real-time." "But isn't that geology?" "Gotta go." "Love you." "Shouldn't you be in class?" "I'm skipping, which you could be doing too if you hadn't dropped out." "You're an idiot." "So how long can you keep this up?" "OK, so the end of time then?" "Till I can figure something out." "I see you've decided to be a jerk about this." "It's not a choice, Tom!" "It's the way I was born, just like the way women are born to dig up every dark secret we've ever buried." "I will tell her this weekend, OK?" "Take her to a four-star restaurant." "You can't solve this via Olive Garden." "Besides, what happens when the school mails the tuition refunds?" "Your dad will find out, and it's game over." "The refunds were released Monday;" "they won't hit our mailbox until Thursday." "I just have to beat my dad to the mail." "Dude." "Today is Thursday." "Oh." "Leroy!" "You gotta cover for me." "Let me think about it." "No." "I'm asking you as a friend." "If you don't let me go, my marriage is done." "And I'm answering you as your boss:" "You walk out that door, you're fired." "Oh, this is awkward." "Your marriage or your job." "*" "Oh!" "*" "Sweetie?" "Mm?" "Rabbi Goldstein called." "He's heading out of town so he can't make it do dinner next week." "Oh, there is a God." "Hm?" "And the rabbi must be busy with said deity." "So instead, I asked him if he could make it to dinner tonight, and he said yes!" "Ah!" "Here comes my famous kuegel!" "*" "*" "Hello, Tom." "Looking for this?" " Phil." " Neighbour's Genitalia." "As your friend Ben never went through with the ceremonial circumcision..." "No, no!" "That's the wrong letter!" "Dammit!" "You quit college!" "Hm?" "You've been lying to us all!" "I've been lying?" "You're not even Jewish!" "That is none of your business!" "What were you thinking?" "You might as well stab your mother in the heart." "Or prick you in the" "STAY on the topic at hand." "Bill Gates never went to college." "Warren Buffet never went to college." "They both did, genius." "Something you would probably learn if you actually went to college!" "Please don't tell Mom." "I haven't even told Jessie yet." "There's one thing I was hoping you would learn and that is that honesty is the anchor for any good marriage." "Where was I supposed to learn that, Dad?" "From you?" "Judith." "I thought you were shopping." "I forgot my purse." "What's going on here, boys?" "Absolutely nothing." "Gee fellas, who died?" "Me." "In about ten minutes." "Rabbi Goldstein's on his way." "Yeah, I heard." "Tara got us an invite." "Front row seats, right in the splash zone." "Splash zone." "Yeah, yuck it up, chuckle-heads." "What does that mean?" "If I go down, I'm bringing both of you with me." "It means I'll be telling your wife about the slab of beef in my freezer and your wife about the slab of beef that just quit college." "Here he is." "The end is nigh." "He's mad old." "Maybe he won't recognize you." "Benjamin Bellow!" "I'd recognize that face anywhere!" "Heh heh heh." "Course it wasn't your face that I saw last, was it!" "Hey, wait a minute." "You never finished your conversion." "You can't be the man that married Judith." "He's not." "I am." "Hi." "Phil, Judith's husband." "Pleased to meet you." "Shazam!" "Ben was kind enough to set us up on a date, and the rest, as they say, is history." "Oh boy." "What a mitzvah!" "Oh, huge mitzvah." "And to think that Ben's daughter Jessie married my son Tom over here." "Oh hey, Tom, why don't you take the rabbi and show him the garden?" "Oh good!" "Yeah, that'd be great." "Come, Rabbi." "Follow me." "Are you high?" "Yeah." "A little." "But this isn't about me." "This is about you and saving your marriage." "And my meat." "All we have to do is keep up the illusion till after dinner." "This has gotta be the dumbest idea you've ever had!" "A, this is not the dumbest idea I've ever had." "And B..." "What was the other thing you said?" "Come the Rabbi." "Hello!" "Oh, Tara." "Thank God." "I was afraid you'd take horribly ill and not be able to make it." "Oh look, paper plates and plastic cutlery." "Classy and wasteful." "It just so happens that the Rabbi keeps kosher and we do not." "It's a religious observance." "Good to know the trees you killed will go to heaven, hm?" "We brought cookies for dessert." "There were more but Dad ate them and then claimed it wasn't him." "Thank you, Jessie." "Why don't you and your refugee friend set the table?" "Why are you trying to brainwash my daughter?" "Tara, I am merely trying to expose her to a different way of thinking." "I mean, she's an open-minded, intelligent girl just like..." "Well, there must be somebody." "What was Phil's mother like?" "Right this way, Rabbi." "Welcome to my humble home!" "Well, I'm delighted to be here." "And... what are they doing?" "They're making room for appetizers." "And may I say, Rabbi?" "Dreidl, dreidl, dreidl." "I made it out of clay." "Come my friend, the rabbi;" "the kitchen's right this way." "You remember Judith, of course." "Of course I do!" "How are you, my dear?" "You don't look a day older." "Good to see you again, Rabbi." "Thank you." "And this Phil's quite the handful." "To say nothing of his wife." "This is Tara." "I see Ben's taste in women remains exquisite." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you for gracing us with your presence here and uh..." "This is our little Jessie." "Hi." "I'm sorry Wendy couldn't be here this evening." "She's at a Young Conservatives rally." "Would you excuse me?" "And who is Wendy?" "She's my sister." "She's his sister." "She's my..." "Tom's sister." "Wendy." "I'm off the clock, Phil so uh, why don't you do the blessings?" "Oh." "You do realize he's not " "Prepared." "I mean, formally prepared." "But he's always up for a blessing." "You see, Jessie?" "This is how they rope us in." "To a delicious meal, which of course can't begin until Phil leads us in a blessing." "Barukh ata!" "I would be honoured to do the blessings." "Um..." "God Almighty!" "Thank you for this bounteous bounty." "Baklava!" "Put on your yarmulke, here comes Hanukkah." "Serenity now!" "You and I are gonna have a little chat after dinner, aren't we, Phil?" "Let's eat." "*" "Aaaahhh!" "So Phil, be a mensch, will you, and pass the gefilte fish." "The gefilte fish." "Right away." "*" "Here we are, Rabbi." "The gefilte fish." "So Jessie, I understand that you're considering doing that which your father could not bring himself to do." "Pilates?" "Funny, this one." "No, no, no!" "Judith said you've expressed an interest in our faith." "Actually, I think she expressed that interest for me." "OK, I just have to get this out there." "It is possible to live a life without being bound by religion." "If you like to drift around aimlessly with no direction or purpose." "Can we talk about something else?" "Tom, how's college?" "Well, it's...." "it's really collegey." "It's got lots of books and lectures." "Whoa, the lectures!" "All right!" "Jessie is not converting!" "OK?" "Oh come on, darling." "Now is not the time to get into it." "No, actually it's the time." "What Mom's saying is that while I respect your religion," "I'm not really comfortable with the intention of this dinner." "Which is precisely why we should get it over with as quickly and and painlessly as possible." "Absolutely." "You know, some of us here believe that religion has wreaked havoc the world over." "Isn't that right, Phil?" "Not this cowboy." "I like my religion the way I like my women: organized." "Tara, what did you put in those cookies?" "Yes!" "Let's discuss something a little less controversial." "Puppies or musicals..." "How about talking snakes?" "Huh?" "I mean, apparently they're real according to the Torah." "Isn't that right, Rabbi?" "Darling." "Darling?" "I believe the snakes are a metaphor." "Who wants more knishes?" "Knish me." "Ha." "Ben." "Ben?" "Kitchen." "Now." "Yep." "How much alcohol's in kosher wine?" "Ooh, did somebody say wine?" "Monica." "What are you doing here?" "I need Daddy to fix a speeding ticket." "Well, he's kinda busy right now." "What have we here?" "Nothing." "So... feel free to go." "Relax, little brother." "I can wait all night." "I'm not comfortable with displays of affection in front of the Rabbi." "Well, you are acting ridiculous." "And you're not setting a very good example for Tom." "You're more right than you know." "What?" "Judith." "You mean the world to me;" "you know that, right?" "Hm?" "You know, I've settled a lot of disputes between in-laws in my day." "Maybe I should help." "No!" "No, no, no!" "I mean, if we did everything for those crazy kids, how would they ever learn?" "Tom." "Porch." "Now." "They're big on the private meetings." "May I have some of that gentle fish?" "It's gefilte fish." "Akaneffa fish." "I swear, nothing's going on." "I'm releasing that picture of you on the Internet." "What picture?" "That's just it." "You're not gonna know until it's out there." "Ok, ok, ok." "Dad's notreally Jewish." "Phil's pretending to be married to Mom and I dropped out of college without telling anyone." "And I lost my job." "I feel suddenly vested with great power." "Monica, I'm begging you." "If you have any love for Dad or me at all, you can't let Rabbi Goldstein know that Dad didn't go through with his bris." "Tom, please." "What kind of manipulative, self-serving bitch do you think I am?" "Ben?" "Rabbi Goldstein hasn't had any kosher sausage yet." "Why are you calling him Ben?" "At least I think they're kosher." "You never can tell from the outside, huh?" "Monica." "I'm sorry." "Would you help me look for my fork, please?" "If you know what I think you know, you'd better keep a lid on it!" "Two weeks with my friends at our time-share in Palm Springs." "One." "Week and a half." "One." "Final offer." "Enjoying the sausages, Rabbi?" "I love kishka." "It's my favourite." "Would you like some, young lady?" "Oh, no thank you." "You know what I like?" "Cocktail wieners." "The ones that they serve at parties with the toothpicks jammed right into them?" "Week and a half." "Hey Rabbi, you know what I've always been curious about?" "What?" "The bris." "That's what you've always been curious about?" "Mm hm." "Please explain it, Rabbi." "Two  more knishes here." "Save some for me;" "I've decided I want three for myself." "Over my dead body." "He's right." "Better watch those carbs." "Rabbi." "Bris." "Describe." "Well, it's not exactly dinner conversation, but what the heck." "First I crush a section of the skin with a haemostat." "Then I pull the foreskin up over the clamp and push it through a hole in the base." "Then I tighten up the clamp." "I JUST DIDN'T WANT HIM TO PUNCTURE MY PENIS!" "IS THAT SO WRONG?" "Rabbi, I married Judith, not Tara." "Tom is my kid, not Jessie." "Judith, I'm sorry." "I chickened out." "I forged the conversion certificate." "I'm not officially Jewish." "Which means you're not officially married!" "Someone's not getting any tonight." "He's storing meat in my freezer!" "You're doing what?" "No!" "I uh..." "Tom quit school!" "Yeah." "And got fired from the juice bar." "You quit school?" "And got fired from the juice bar." "Yeah." "Well... she has no intention of converting and never did." "Oh God!" "Well." "Is there anyone else who has anything to confess?" "It is I that ate the cookies." "Best family dinner ever." "Please don't hate me for quitting school." "I think my parents' suffocating guilt is punishment enough." "I don't hate you." "I'm just extremely disappointed-slash- annoyed with you for a period of time that is yet to be determined." "Also, I kind of hate you." "But?" "I'm sorry, Tom, but that was a pretty boneheaded thing to do." "I know, it's just I couldn't handle school and work at the same time." "So I chose the one that would get us out of here faster." "And then you got fired." "Well, the plan had some holes." "I can't believe our punishment is to clean out the freezer." "Who knew mould could grow in sub-zero temperatures?" "Well, we should count ourselves lucky our wives didn't leave us." "At least you got free meat." "How are you doing over there, buddy?" "I feel my punishment does not fit my crime." "Look on the bright side." "We got off easier than my dad." "AAAAAAHHHHHH!" "Oh, quiet, Benjamin." "I haven't even done it yet."