"Are you pussies ready to be annihilated?" "Witness the awesome power of..." "I am Todd, the pure evil one!" "I am your lord and master!" "Prepare to be conquered!" "You asshole!" "Hey, watch where you're going cripshit." "As if I haven't heard that one before." "Ya heard this one before?" "Fuckles..." "Hannah, Grab your stuff, we're going on a field trip." "Huh?" "Where are we going?" "Someplace we should have checked out a long time ago." "Where's Todd and Curtis?" "Come on." "Jenny, you have a lot of experience with guys, right?" "What do you wanna know?" "Have you ever really liked a guy, but he only likes you as a friend, and every time you see him, you just want to run away?" "No, but if you're talking about Todd, I'd say keep running." "Todd, Todd!" "Where the hell have you been?" "I've been looking everywhere for you." "We gotta go to the retirement home." "Retirement what?" "Where Atticus' father lives." "You know, Satanist senior." "I don't have time for this right now." "But they might know something about my dad." "Your dad has been missing for over a year, a few more hours won't kill him." "You asshole!" "Jenny, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way!" "That was really cruel." "I didn't mean it, that's just how it came out!" "Yo guys, I've got" "I don't have time for this right now, I've got to do something important!" "Hannah, I've got the" "No wait, I've got the..." "What the hell?" "Fine, I'll just take care of it myself." "My life is just like spinning out of control, Jimmy!" "I keep having these dreams where I toast my friends to a crisp." "I have this connection with this evil book, people are saying that I'm the pure evil one, everything is totally fucked!" "OUCH!" "What the fuck?" "Why did you do that?" "Cause I'm my own dude." "All right?" "Did I do the right thing or the wrong thing?" "The wrong thing." "Look, it doesn't matter." "That doesn't make any sense." "Be your own dude." "If you're not gonna help me, I'll find someone who can." "Fuck..." "NOOOO!" "Not my arm..." "Universa...mihi...planto..." "mihi... universus!" "Todd!" "Todd!" "I think I screwed up big time, dude." "I can't solve your problems for you all the time." "Trust me, I've got my own." "And dude, my problems, are real problems." "And t his isn't?" "Hey!" "Fighting with your girlfriend again, cripshit?" "No." "GRRRRRR!" "So you want us to tell you what to do?" "I'm that desperate, yes." "Oh we will tell you exactly what to do." "You're not going to tell me to be my own dude, are you?" "Bring the pain!" "What, what are you doing?" "Your destiny lies with a mighty battle, Todd!" "You must be ready for it!" "Why do your grades suck, loser?" "Because, I have trouble paying attention in class!" "It's because you have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder." "ADHD can be a powerful tool, little dude!" "If you learn how to use it." "Embrace your inner loser." "Loser." "Don't think about the rocks." "Think about nothingness." "AAAAAHHHHHH!" "Whoa!" "He's doing it!" "He is now ready for the power of steel." "Make haste to shop class." "What?" "Shop class?" "Atticus, numerous times you promised to deliver the book and you failed." "And now those teenagers have kicked you out of their little gang." "I have to ask myself of what use are you to me?" "I pick up your prescriptions, and um," "I renewed your passport that one time." "And..." "I am your son." "Silence!" "You have failed the society as a minion." "And you have failed me as a son!" "You are banished!" "Banished?" "From the retirement home." "Oh, what will I do?" "No more changing your god damn colostomy bag!" "No more scraping flakes of psoriasis off my god damn lips from making me suck on your bony fingers!" "No more running around after you and your stupid fuckin g book." "Maybe I'm gonna, I'm gonna find this book for myself and I'm gonna ask for a new dad." "A better dad, a kinder dad." "A dad who respects me, and supports me and thinks I'm swell!" "A dad who tells me, who tells me that he loves me, because you never did." "I" "I hate you, Dad!" "I HATE YOU!" "How many of you here are Pisces?" "Statistically speaking, 50% of you are going to be pregnant by the end of the school year." "The rest of you are gonna hit it big on the stock market, so that's good, right?" "Um, Mr. Gunderson?" "You do know that astronomy and astrology are two different things, right?" "Firstly, how very Capricorn of you to ask that, secondly, astronomy is batshit boring." "So, I'm gonna do some tarot cards now." "Hannah, I've got something really important to tell you." "Curtis, I have something really important to tell you, too." "Curtis, what are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "I used the book of pure evil to make a new arm." "No one's gonna pick on me anymore." "And they're gonna have to start taking me seriously." "Curtis!" "Oh, that's just a side effect." "I can live with that." "We'll get you to the science lab, run a few tests, we'll figure out how to reverse it, okay?" "No!" "I'm not a guinea pig, Hannah." "You care more about tests and science than you do about me!" "The book doesn't care about you either, Curtis!" "This isn't you." "Hey, Hannah!" "Wait." "Don't touch me with that!" "Wait!" "Dammit!" "Well, none of the other teachers will listen to me, but every time those two run out of the room, it's bad news." "So I'm gonna go lock myself in the teachers' lounge, and I will see some of you tomorrow." "That's it, little dude." "Did you know that Crowley High is the only school in this district with it's own forge?" "Wouldn't this be easier if you guys just came inside?" "Yeah, that's not gonna happen." "This place looks like it doesn't get used much." "It's been closed off, ever since... the accident." "♪" "The accident?" "♪" "What's goin' on?" "Oh, hi." "Remember me?" "I, I used to be part of your gang, until you kicked me out." "'Cause you're a Satanist." "That's just racist." "I want the book." "Tell me where it is, and maybe I won't kill you." "I'd rather die than give you the book." "If you think I'm going to betray my friends you don't know Curtis Weaver." "I didn't learn much from my father, but I did learn this." "When you're back's against the wall, you push back into their faces." "You pull their teeth out." "You put it where their eyes are." "You take their ears and you box them." "I didn't know what that meant, but I thought it was cool." "You take them to the bank and then you take them to the cleaner with the money from the bank." "That's where I'm taking you, and no one will know where you are." "Cause I won't tell them, and you won't leave a forwarding address." "Boring." "Keep your eye on the pendant." "Let your conscious mind go." "Don't fight it." "Do" "I can't believe that actually worked." "Bingo will commence in the main hall in fifteen minutes." "Don't forget to bring your dabbers!" "Hurry up, you fool." "My dabber, where's my lucky red dabber?" "Well where did you put it last, your evilness?" "Daddy?" "Uhhhh." "Daddy." "Tell your old friend Atticus." "Where is the book?" "You're not my friend." "Todd is my friend." "Enough about Todd." "Tell me where the book is." "Or I will cut off that new arm and turn you back into the pathetic cripple you've always been." "What happened to my old arm?" "I've been here before." "It was a few years ago..." "Me and Todd had just gotten into heavy metal and shop class." "I wanted to make a cool candlestick using the lathe." "Hey, Curtis." "What are you talking about, I want the book." "You wanna smoke a J before class?" "I had never smoked a J before." "Okay, what are you, what are you talking about?" "But when I put that sweet herb to my lips and breathed deep." "What does this have to do with the book?" "I knew I'd never be the same again." "Where is the book?" "The book!" "How did I forget that?" "Wow, talk about repressed memories." "Actually, let's not." "So your best friend cut off your arm?" "Maybe Todd is the pure evil one." "Todd." "Pure." "Evil." "Okay, shut the fuck up about Todd." "All I wanna know is where is" "♪" "Evil..." "Todd..." "You shouldn't have kicked me out of the gang." "TODD!" "I'M COMING TO GET YOU!" "YOU ASSHOOOLE!" "This is it, little dude." "Time to face your destiny." "Will you stop with this destiny bullshit?" "I'm not the pure evil one!" "You're the one who released the book." "The book is your destiny." "Loser." "Your destiny and the book are one!" "Destiny!" "Fuck." "I'm gonna get you outta here, okay dad." "Why the rush, sweetie?" "This is my dad!" "And he's been kidnapped by Satanists that live in this retirement home!" "We have to call the police!" "I don't think you'll be doing that, young lady." "That's him, okay!" "That's him!" "That's the Satanist!" "We're all Satanists, sweetie." "AHHHHHHHH!" "It's on, bro!" "I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU, TODD!" "Whoa!" "Demon arm!" "You're pissed because I cut your arm off, but, dude, that was totally an accident!" "You've got an excuse for everything!" "That weed was super potent, it's not my fault!" "It's not my fault!" "It's not my fault you're a cripple, Curtis!" "GAAAAHHH!" "I've always been there for you, Todd!" "I helped you fight the book of pure evil!" "Even when you were possessed andriried to kill me." "That wasn't my" " Okay, yeah, that was my bad." "GAAAHHHH!" "Yeah!" "I stopped the phantom of Crowley High from blowing up the school, it was me!" "And you didn't even notice!" "You did what?" "I gave up the only girl who ever loved me to save your life, Todd!" "You're wrong, Curtis!" "I love you." "Sorry, I was scared to say it before, but I'm not sorry I'm saying it now." "♪ Dooon't...yooou... knooow ♪" "♪ I have fallen in love with you ♪" "♪ For the rest of my whole life through ♪" "♪ Dooon't...yooou... knooow ♪" "Todd, NOOOOO!" "Become the one!" "Become your destiny!" "Do it!" "What are you waiting for dude?" "Hey, fuckpiece, be your own dude." "What are you doing, dude?" "Stop telling me what to do." "Suck it!" "♪" "Jenny's still not picking up her phone." "I have a really bad feeling about this." "Jenny's missing, the book of pure evil's still out there, our guidance counselor's a Satanist." "And my best friend might destroy the world." "Destiny sucks." "Atticus, you have no place here." "Be gone!" "I'm here to give you your belated father's day present." "Dad." "The book..." "At last." "You're not as big a screw up as I thought you were, Atticus." "Oh, this isn't your present." "This is, daddy!" "What are you waiting for?" "Kiss the hand." "Gee, I wonder what happens next?"