"JONATHAN ROSS:" "A lot of people when they get famous they find a lot of temptations in their way, they maybe drink too much, eat too much." "They get invited to parties and so forth, and, you know, weight can be a problem." "You look like you have always struggled a little bit with your weight." "Would I be right in that?" "Is it a struggle?" "It's not a struggle." "The more I eat, the fatter I get, it's..." "But you're comfortable?" "It's easy, it's easy." "What are your ambitions?" "Obviously this has been a big hit for you, a surprise hit some would say." "But what are your ambitions over and above this?" "You gonna do more of the same or do you want to branch out?" "I suppose I would like to do, you know, serious acting and I would like to do films." "Who'd you like to meet?" "Who'd you like to work with?" "You don't know anyone." "I know most people in Hollywood, I've interviewed most of them." "I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times, I've interviewed Robert De Niro." "I've interviewed all the greats." "Yeah, obviously Robert De Niro's the greatest actor in the world, so I'd obviously like to work with him." "All right, challenge accepted." "Challenge accepted." "No, challenge accepted, De Niro." "I will hook you up with De Niro." "You can get me De Niro?" "Yeah." "But lose some weight first." "Andy?" "Hi." "Well done, that was great." "Really?" "It was fantastic, you were fantastic." "Cheers." "Are you gonna stay for a drink?" "Yeah." "All right, wait for me in there, I've got to pop downstairs." "But don't go without seeing me, I'd really love to chat." "Okay, all right." "Wait for me." "I'll be a minute." "Is that your first chat show?" "Yeah." "You're not serious?" "I was nervous as well." "It didn't show." "Oh, really?" "No, I didn't notice." "You were great, I loved your stories." "I'm used to it." "I've done loads, you'll get used to it." "Sorry, have you got a minute to talk to a big fan of yours from the audience?" "Yeah." "What, now?" "Is that all right?" "Yeah." "MAN:" "Joe, this is Andy." "Andy, Joe." "Hi." "Hi." "You all right?" "Yeah, can I ask..." "Joe's going into hospital next week, St Matthews." "May be in for quite a long time, and would you pop in and say hello?" "Would I...?" "Can you pop in and visit him whilst he's in hospital?" "I'm not sure what I'm doing." "All right, well..." "To be honest." "Give me your number and we can arrange something." "Yeah, if you call my agent on..." "Not your agent." "Not my agent?" "No." "They fob you off, agents." "What's your mobile?" "I lost my mobile." "I don't know where it is at the moment." "It's in your pocket." "It's in my what?" "It's in your pocket." "Oh, I thought I looked there." "I..." "Why didn't I look in there?" "I usually look in my pocket." "Well done, kid." "What's your number?" "Mine?" "Yeah." "Can I remember it?" "0... 7700900." "1-5-8." "Oh, I'll just ring it so I've got it in there." "Well, don't, no, that's my old one." "That's the one I lost." "That's the one I lost." "No." "If you're gonna test it, it's 07700900168." "Okay, all right." "Well, I'll ring to confirm Monday." "I don't know if I can..." "You can make it Monday." "It's just half an hour." "Yeah." "Get a cab, you can afford it." "Yeah, I know." "But..." "6:00, St Matthews?" "He's gonna be on the Parrot Ward, neurology block." "And it's 6:00." "Okay." "See you at 6:00." "Yeah." "Great, thank you very, very much." "Say goodbye." "Goodbye." "Cheers." "Bye-bye, thanks." "Bye." "(WHISPERING) This way." "Bit weird, innit?" "Bit presumptuous." "No, I mean it's weird she didn't ask me." "I mean, knowing what I can do and how much joy I bring to people." "Well, maybe she didn't notice me." "Maybe." "Unlikely." "I think you're gonna notice Robert Lindsay in a room." "No, she probably saw me and thought, "I'd love to ask him first," ""being one of Britain's best loved actors, and let's not forget, you know, he can sing," ""he can dance and he has won awards on Broadway, for Christ's sake."'" "Ah." "No, she..." "I know what it was, she was intimidated and she, you know, thought," ""Bird in the hand, I'll definitely get a "yes" from the nobody."'" "Worried about this kid though, aren't you?" "Yeah..." "No, I'm worried." "I'm worried about the kid because if this, you know, so-called mother is making stupid mistakes like that, you know, choosing you over me, then what other mistakes is she making?" "(INHALING DEEPLY) Is she screwing up his medication?" "Is she, is she?" "I don't know." "No, no." "Good luck." "Keep them laughing." "Cheers." "(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)" "Would you like to come back for a nightcap?" "Yeah, I'd love to." "(CHATTERING)" "Oh, hiya." "Nice night?" "Yeah, it was lovely, yeah, yeah." "This is Maggie." "Hi." "Hello, Maggie." "You live with your parents?" "Yeah." "If you two get up to anything tonight, can you keep the noise down, dear?" "We need to get up early tomorrow." "We're not gonna get up to anything." "Oh, I think Michael thinks you are." "I think he assumed that's why you're coming back here." "You don't want people saying you're a prick-tease, love." "Definitely not." "Girl like you, you're no spring chicken, you must be sexually active." "You look like you know your way around." "Are you on contraception or do you want to borrow something?" "Hmm?" "Are you on contraception?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Just the pill." "The pill?" "Don't go on the pill, danger of thrombosis." "I always use a cap, don't I, dear?" "She does use a cap, but sometimes I pop a johnny on as well, just to be safe." "Belt and braces, we've got two sons, that's enough." "Now we want the fun without the responsibility." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "Doesn't have to be penetrative sex, either, of course." "Plenty of other things to do." "Sometimes we do everything but." "(ALL CHUCKLING)" "An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm." "(CHUCKLING) Indeed." "Indeed." "Do you play at all?" "Mmm." "We should definitely have a game." "I used to play at school, I haven't played for a while." "I can see that." "I've got a court in my back garden." "Right, money on it." "I will knock you all over the place." "Actually I've got two courts." "Brilliant, thank you." "I'm gonna show you this." "Is that your wages?" "No." "I've got two of these... (MOBILE RINGING)" "I got one in Japan, one in New York, right." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'll set it up." "Hello?" "MAGGIE:" "Hello, it's me." "Hi, yeah." "What can I do for you?" "Nothing." "I'm just phoning for a chat." "Oh, God." "I've got to tell you about this date that I've just been on." "Do you have to tell me right now?" "What, are you busy?" "Yeah." "I'm right in the middle of something at the moment." "Well, I'll call you later, then?" "Yeah, I don't know when I'll be finished, though." "Look at this." "Sort of really snowed under." "I've got to go." "I'll speak to you soon, yeah?" "All right, well, I'll speak to you..." "That's my toy, right, but this is his toy, I had to buy this separately." "Check this out." "I love the fact that your toys have got toys." "(MAN ON TV CHATTERING)" "Okay, so, how are you getting on with the De Niro thing?" "What's that?" "For f..." "I told you." "It..." "Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film." "You said you'd get me an audition, you said you'd make a few phone calls." "I've been looking into that." "Have you?" "But it's tricky 'cause all his people are in Los Angeles..." "So?" "You've got a phone." "Yeah, it's complicated, though, 'cause..." "It took me two days to realise they're eight hours ahead." "They're behind." "Are they?" "Yes." "That explains quite a lot." "So what time would it be over there now?" "Right, it's 4:00 here so eight hours." "Five, six, seven..." "No, you're going up." "Five, six, seven..." "You're still going up." "No, that's down..." "No, it's 4:00 here so eight hours, 8:00." "That's four hours ahead." "In the morning!" "Oh, okay, yes." "Supposing they get in at 9:00..." "10:00, have a cup of coffee." "Say hello to the people and..." "Yeah." "All right." "Add eight..." "To what?" "10!" "10. 18?" "What do you mean, 18?" "Oh, add eight hours, you mean?" "Well, of course." "Yeah." "Sorry." "So call them at 6:00." "Right, their time." "Our time!" "Our time." "Yeah." "And what time will it be over there?" "10:00." "10:00." "At night?" "In the morning." "In the morning!" "Forget it." "If I can get hold of Robert De Niro before you, you're fired, okay?" "I've outgrown you, I don't know what you're for." "Have another go but if I beat you to him, you're fired." "Hey, hello." "All right." "What you doing here?" "Some more extra work, obviously." "That's where it's tight, there." "It's the same as it was before." "Listen, Andy, I've got to tell you about this date that I went on with this guy, right." "To look at him, you would think that he was Mr Perfect." "Your dad?" "What?" "What did you say?" "Your dad what?" "No, a date." "I went on a date." "Oh, right." "Try it now." "Is this a really bad time?" "'Cause I can easily come back and catch you here." "That's better." "At a later date." "Whatever you did." "We should hook up." "I've hardly seen you, well, not in the flesh." "I've seen you in the paper." "In fact, a photograph of you here with your new best friend." "(ANDY CHUCKLES)" "Oh, wow. "Wossy takes fwiend for a wide."'" "That's at his house in Swanage." "That was a brilliant day." "Yeah." "Well, we should go and get a cup of tea or something sometime." "Yeah." "Don't you get it, get a runner to get it." "No, not now." "I'm saying we should get together and have a cup of tea." "Tell you what, if you do want to hook up and do me a favour at the same time," "I've got to go and see this sick kid in hospital Monday." "I'm dreading it, I don't know what to say to him." "At least if you're there, I'll have someone to talk to." "You sure you want me to come?" "Sounds like you should be asking some hot date." "No, it'll be awful." "No, you're great." "Buy myself a new dress, then." "Ah?" "Nothing." "Right, well, I'll leave you to it, then." "Look at his face." "Bye." "Why's he on a bike when he's got about five cars?" "(CHUCKLES)" "(WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD PLAYING)" "(SCREAMS)" "Oh, you bastard!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "Cut, cut, cut." "Sorry." "You know what to do?" "The bucket fell off the thing." "Yes, I'm sure it did." "Can you just tuck that in?" "Look who's here." "Hello." "JOE:" "Hello." "Hi!" "Do the catchphrase." "Let him sit down." "Sit down." "Now do the catchphrase." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is she having a laugh?" "Oh, it's good, that is very clever." "This is my friend Maggie." "Hi." "Hi." "What you been doing?" "Just lying here." "Yeah." "Comfy?" "It's pretty comfy, yeah." "And I'm on morphine so I can't really feel anything." "Rather that than terrible pain." "Are you his girlfriend?" "No." "No, just a friend." "Why do you have a friend who's a girl?" "Boring." "They're usually boring, but because she's so stupid, that amuses me." "I'm not stupid." "Very dim." "That looks like one of those things that you get a goldfish in at the fair." "Could you keep a goldfish in that?" "See?" "Andy, can I have a word?" "Yeah, sure." "Outside?" "Mmm." "Don't touch anything, they're not toys." "Are you a Chelsea fan?" "Yeah." "Can I just ask, and it's a very sensitive issue, but if, heaven forbid, Joe did pass away..." "Who's Joe?" "Joe, my son." "Oh, no, sorry, yeah, I know." "Yeah, I knew." "Yeah." "If he did pass away, would you say a few words at his funeral?" "Oh, I..." "I don't even want to think about that." "Well, we have to think about it now." "I know, but..." "It's something the whole family would really very much appreciate, knowing how much you mean to Joe, and how much he means to you." "So if you could tell me, yes, you'd be happy to say a few words..." "But..." "I think he's gonna live a very long time." "He may not." "He will." "He may not." "Oh, but, yeah, I know." "But it's mad to hold someone to plans that far ahead." "We may even lose him in the next six months." "Yeah, six months is a long time with my schedule 'cause things change and I..." "Can I just say that you've promised you'll be there unless it's something like literally impossible for you to get out of?" "Like filming or..." "Not filming." "Not filming?" "That's not important enough?" "Well, what do you consider a good enough excuse to get me out of this?" "Just so I don't bother you with, like, I'm phoning you up going," ""Oh, I can't make it 'cause of this..."' and you're going, "That's not an excuse."'" "You know?" "Right." "What we talking?" "What sort of..." "Can we just talk about it later?" "Yeah." "Let's go back in there." "Yeah." "Where is he?" "There he is!" "There he is!" "(ROBERT LAUGHING)" "There is the boy." "Look at his face." "Dumbstruck." "I know, I understand, it's okay, it's okay." "You were expecting a one-hit wonder." "You all right?" "And what did you get?" "Bloody British legend." "I know you know me from My Family, the biggest and most popular sitcom in England, but did you know I'm a serious actor?" "Oh, yeah, and I can sing and dance." "# Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh" "# Don't you know that the world wants to laugh" "# My dad said "Be an actor, my son, but be a comical one"" "# They'll be standing in lines For those old honky tonk monkeyshines" "# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha #" "# Gotta dance!" "# Broadway rhythm, it's got me" "# Every dance!" "Oh, that Broadway rhythm, driving, beating" "# Rhythm from Mr Broadway Melody, yeah #" "(EXCLAIMING)" "LINDSAY:" "Oi." "Sorry." "It's the morphine." "I'm tired." "I wasn't really enjoying it, to be honest." "Rude." "Well, I'm not really into musicals." "So, what are you into?" "Well, comedies with catchphrases, like Andy's." "Freedom for Tooting!" "Power to the people!" "What's that?" "Your kid does not know comedy." "Sort it out now." "Citizen Smith, biggest sitcom of the '70s." "Come on." "I wasn't born until 1993." "I wasn't born until 1949, but I know who Queen Victoria is." "For God's sake, something wrong with your brain?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Right, you'll love this." "This anecdote has people on the floor at any function, any dinner party, and if you think that's because they're drunk, think again, because Richard E Grant loves this story, and he doesn't even drink so..." "I'm on the set of GBH, I'm in my trailer, knock on the door, guess who it is?" "Go on, guess." "Mmm..." "Alan Bleasdale." "I don't know who that is." "Oh, fuck off!" "Kid's a waste of space." "Oh, that was a nice surprise, wasn't it?" "Well, that was interesting." "Yeah." "Do you want to go for a quick pint?" "I can't tonight." "Why?" "What you doing?" "I am going to the Ivy restaurant." "You know Vernon Kay and Tess Daly?" "They invited me out for a meal." "Why?" "Just want to hang out with me." "Yeah." "Is there room for one more?" "No, I think the four's made up." "Who's the fourth?" "Jamie Theakston, nutter!" "I promised I'd come and visit the kid again next week, if you want to come again?" "Yeah, okay." "Yeah?" "Brilliant." "It's a date." "What's Theako gonna be like after a few beers?" "He's mental enough sober." "(ANDY CHUCKLING)" "Yes?" "Oh!" "You all right?" "Is he in?" "Yes." "Right." "Hiya!" "I haven't got long, just want to find out what's going on with this De Niro thing." "What, did we have a meeting on?" "'Cause I don't remember planning anything." "Were you masturbating?" "Was I what?" "Were you masturbating when I came in?" "Sort of, yeah." "Don't tell anyone." "I'm not gonna tell anyone." "No." "Why didn't you lock the door?" "I should have locked the door, but I didn't think ahead." "I just..." "The moment took me and I just went, you know, crazy." "It wasn't anything weird." "No, but just so you know it was..." "No." "If you must know what it was, it was the lady on this pen." "I don't need to know." "It just looks like a regular lady, nice, attractive lady wearing a bathing costume, but when you turn it up the other way, it comes off." "And then she's nude." "Have you got my pen?" "Yes, take your pen, please, for..." "Were you having a wank?" "I was trying to have a quick one, yes, but it's like Piccadilly Circus in here." "I didn't know." "I just walked in and he was..." "If it's anyone's fault, it's yours for leaving your erotic material lying around." "If you leave that stuff about, I'm only gonna do one thing, aren't I?" "Why didn't you have one before you came out?" "I did have one before I came out, thanks for asking, but I'm a very sexual being if you must know," "and I produce an ungodly amount of..." "Fine." "Thank you." "This is what I'm talking about." "We haven't talked about this." "I didn't think I had to." "I didn't think I had to make a list of things that you shouldn't do at work, one of them tossing off over a pen." "No." "Do you really think you're earning your twelve and a half percent" "by doing that sort of thing under the table?" "No." "No." "Nor do I." "So why am I paying you?" "That's it." "This is pathetic, really." "I gave you a chance to sort something out and you'd rather be doing that," "so let's call it quits." "No, no..." "Look at that." "God almighty." "As far as I'm concerned, you're fired." "That's it." "Well, if..." "If you fire me then you won't know anything about the Robert De Niro meeting I've set up." "You got a meeting with Robert De Niro?" "Yeah, next week." "What are you doing next Monday?" "What time?" "6:00." "Where?" "At his hotel." "What hotel?" "Dorchester hotel." "So, next Monday at 6:00 at The Dorchester, I'm meeting Robert De Niro." "Brilliant, and if he doesn't turn up, you're fired then." "If he doesn't turn up, it's not my fault." "Well, no, you've arranged it, so it's win-win for me." "So either I turn up and he's there, I meet De Niro, or I turn up and he's not there, and you're fired, and I get a proper agent." "Oh, for fuck's sake." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Hi, you all right?" "Oh, hi, yeah, I'm just on my way to the hospital." "I'm taking Operation." "I thought it seemed appropriate." "Yeah." "Look, I'm not gonna be able to make it later." "Oh, what do you mean?" "I've got a really important meeting." "What, at that exact time?" "Yeah, I couldn't..." "And no other time was available?" "No, he couldn't do any other time." "Who?" "Robert De Niro." "He couldn't do any other time?" "Sorry, did you hear what I said?" "Robert De Niro wants a meeting." "It's just it's the only time I ever see you." "I'll move it, shall I?" ""Sorry, Mr De Niro, I know you wanted to meet me," ""and you've been my hero all my life," ""but I meet up with Maggie at a very specific time every week." ""It can't be moved."'" "All right, I'm not having a go." "I'm just disappointed, that's all." "Well, I can't move it, obviously not, it's really important." "Sorry, I'll see you next week." "Okay." "Bye." "Okay." "Knock, knock." "Hello." "Hello." "How are you?" "Good." "Bit of bad news, I'm afraid." "Andy can't make it." "He's got a really important meeting." "So you're stuck with me." "But I've brought you this, look." "Ta-da!" "All right?" "Even though I'm a girl?" "Yeah, all right." "No, it's okay." "Come on, then." "You set it up." "Okay." "(MOBILE BEEPING)" "(GAME BEEPS)" "You're so rubbish." "I hope the surgeon working on me is better than you." "This is just a tiny wee thing I'm trying to get out here." "From what I've overheard, your tumour is massive." "So it'll be easy to get it out." "You know... (CHUCKLING)" "Very strange." "I'm sure he'll be here in a second." "It's very unusual for him to be late." "Have you ever driven a taxi for real?" "No?" "No." "(BEEPS)" "I used to have that." "What are you doing here?" "Has the meeting happened already?" "I didn't go, I came here instead." "Why?" "Well, you know, don't want to let people down." "But that's madness." "It's Robert De Niro." "I know." "No, but that's madness!" "What do you mean, it's madness?" "Because it's Robert De Niro." "I know it is." "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity." "I know, but I thought you were upset about being second best." "That's why I came here." "Don't turn it round on me." "I wasn't trying to make you feel bad." "I got a text from you going..." "Don't make me feel guilty." "Made me feel guilty." "That was supposed to be nice." "I know." "It was supposed to be encouraging." "And it was." "lf you go now..." "Don't be stupid." "Just get a taxi." "I don't believe this." "I do not believe this." "It's Robert De Niro." "I know who it is." "Now I'm gonna feel guilty for the rest of my life." "Don't make me feel bad about you feeling guilty." "But what if your career goes down the pan?" "I wouldn't worry about it." "How am I gonna feel?" "My career is already down the pan." "Now it's my turn to operate." "(BEEPING)" "He's dead." "You're a man of the world, you'll like this." "Right, it's just an ordinary pen, so it seems, and with a picture of a lady on it just in a bathing costume, just normal." "Turn it upside down." "Oh, what's happened there?" "Nudie lady." "You looking at me?" "I am now." "Oh." "(CHUCKLES) It's good, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Where did you get this?" "My friend, Barry, gave it to me." "Look at that, back on, nothing suspicious, turn it up the other way." "Oh, hang on, hello!" "Can I have this?" "Do you want it?" "Take it." "Do you want to go for a pint?" "Hurry up." "You're in a bad mood." "I'm not in a bad mood, but hurry up." "(GAME BEEPING)" "Dead." "Dead." "Stop putting me off." "If you were hacking at him like that, he'd be dead." "(MOBILE RINGING)" "Oh, it's Darren." "What?" "Hello, mate, what happened to you?" "I'm still here with Mr Robert De Niro." "You're with him now?" "Yeah." "We're just cruising down to a club." "Come down, mate." "Erm, could I bring Maggie?" "He wants to bring his friend, is that all right?" "DE NIRO:" "Who's that?" "DARREN:" "Friend of his, a lady." "DE NIRO:" "The lady on the pen?" "DARREN:" "I wish." "DE NIRO:" "Yeah, sure." "DARREN:" "All systems go, mate." "Hang on, what you doing after this?" "Me?" "Nothing." "Do you want to meet Robert De Niro?" "Nah." "Really?" "I'm only joking." "Yeah!" "Okay, all right then." "We'll find somewhere, I'll text you the deeds." "Okay." "See you later, mate." "See you there." "Really?" "Amazing." "Let's go." "Now?" "Yeah." "What about the game?" "We can't just leave him." "We can." "Just give him an extra couple of drops of morphine, he'll be out cold." "No, I'm joking." "Right, whose go is it?" "You have a go." "Okay, okay." "What would you rather do, right?" "(GROANS) Oh." "No, listen." "Would you rather die a sad, lonely, bitter old man, in a cold and empty flat, or if we're not with anyone in about five years' time, just move in together?" "I know what you've tried to do there, you've tried to make the first option sound the worst." "Why is it a cold flat?" "'Cause you're too fat to get up and put the heating on!" "What, I've got five years to decide, have I?" "Why's it taking you so long to actually think of the answer?" "I want to keep my options open." "I don't want to commit." "Hi." "He doesn't want to see you, Robert." "Yes, he does." "He does, because I've brought DVDs of My Family." "Come on, everyone likes this." "I don't." "I prefer that edgier stuff on BBC Two." "What are you, a critic?"