"CAREY:" "Good evening." "Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?" "." "Our performers are:" "Ex-sumo wrestler Brad Sherwood ex-Vegas showgirl Wayne Brady .the man who was once the highest-paid model in Albania, Colin Mochrie and former funnyman Ryan Stiles." "And l`m Drew Carey, your host." "Come on down." "Let`s have some fun." "Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?" "." "Everything`s made up and points don`t matter." "If you never saw what happens, we have suggestions nobody`s seen, we take audience suggestions and these guys make up something funny based on all those suggestions." "Then I give some points which don`t matter much, and at the end of the show we pick a winner to do something special with me." "[audience laughing]" "Uh...." "And I do mean at the end of the show." "We`re gonna start with a game called Weird Newscasters, for all of you." "Brad, you`re anchorman of a news show." "Colin, Wayne, and Ryan are his co-people on the show but each is gonna do an odd thing." "Let me tell you." "Brad, your co-anchor is Colin." "Colin, you`re gonna be too emotionally attached to the stories." "Wayne, you`re the sportscaster." "You`re gonna play Don King." "And, Ryan, you`re the weatherman." "You`re an astronaut walking in space and things start going wrong." "So when you hear the music, go ahead." "[music playing]" "Hello and welcome to the 6:00 news." "I`m Chester Snapdragon McFisticuffs." "Our top story from the Middle East, Benjamin Netanyahu today... ..changed his name to Benjamin Netan-Yahoo!" "[MOCHRlE laughing]" "And on a different note, terrible bus accident today." "Blanched?" "Today there was an accident." "A busload of penguins...." "Penguins!" "They don`t do any harm to anyone." "And they only have sex once a year." "[MOCHRlE sobbing]" "Oh, the inhumanity." "What`s that?" "Get a grip, all right?" "Okay, let`s look at the sports." "We`ve got a busy day in sports don`t we, Sparky?" "Poof!" "Yes, indeed." "Yes, indeed." "Everybody`s fighting, from the football players fighting about money, to old ladies fighting about fighting." "Ha-ha-ha!" "Let me tell you, I can represent you." "$50 million my pocket $2 million for you." "Come on, now." "That`s all from the man who would be king." "Let`s find out what`s going on in weather, shall we?" "Jiff Jiffseason." "Well, l`m on the studio floor." "Both feet are on the studio floor." "Well, let`s take a look at the weather map." "I`m back." "Well, as you can see, we`ve got clouds moving in over the Oregon area, and up in Idaho, thunderstorms." "My cord seems to be tangling." "I`m having a problem getting air." "I don`t know if I can" "[MOCHRlE sobbing]" "SHERWOOD:" "Ah." "[audience cheering]" "Al should`ve opened the pod bay doors." "Well, that`s all the time we have on the 6:00 news." "I`m Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuffs." "[BUZZER sounding] [music playing]" "[audience cheering AND applauding]" "Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuffs." "Something like that." "That`s 1 000 points for you, figuring out that name." "Wow." "Now we go on to a game called Duet." "This is for Brad and Wayne." "Gonna sing about someone in the audience." "Accompanied by Laura Hall on the piano." "How about a hand for Laura Hall?" "[audience cheering AND applauding]" "Anybody who`d like a song?" "What`s your name?" "Sara." "Sara." "What do you do for a living?" "l`m a consultant." "A consultant of what?" "An l.T. consultant." "You what?" "An l.T. consultant." "l.T. consultant." "What`s that?" "I work with computers." "Oh, jeez." "Come here." "Works with computers is what she meant to say." "She`s an l.T. consultant." "Sara, she`s" " Works in l.T., which stands for information technology." "Something to do with computers?" "A consultant." "Work for yourself or a company?" "A company." "Okay, good for you." "Brad and Wayne are gonna sing to you but they`re gonna do it in the style of a disco ballad." "A disco ballad to Sara, the information technologist." "[disco music playing]" "[singing] Well, I see you, you see me" "Explain to me What the hell is I. T." "Oh, girl Since I`ve been alive" "I`ve wanted a woman Who can touch my hard drive" "You drive me crazy, I need psychology To understand this informational technology" "Oh, Sara You`re so much sexier than Farrah" "You`re so much better than" "Sara Oh, can I be with you tonight?" "I can let you touch my big old megabyte" "Oh, Sara Oh, yeah" "Sara SHERWOOD:" "Sara" "I know sometimes I might be a louse Oh, Sara" "Sara" "Why don `t you put your left hand" "And click my mouse?" "I said, Sara" "Sara" "Oh, Sara Oh, Sara" "[SHERWOOD SCATTlNG]" "[audience cheering]" "BRADY:" "Thank you very much, Sara." "[BRADY laughing]" "Thank you, Sara." "That was really nice." "Thank you so much." "How about it for Sara, huh?" "I know who`s getting the points for that." "Good old, good-looking Sara." "Thank you, Sara." "Now we come to a game called Sound Effects for Colin and Ryan, of all people." "Colin`s gonna improvise a scene." "But he`ll have to respond to sound effects made by Ryan." "Colin, your scene is it`s your wedding night on the Titanic." "[STlLES making TOOTH-BRUSHlNG SOUNDS]" "[STlLES GARGLlNG]" "STlLES:" "Ohh...." "[STlLES BLABBERlNG in HlGH-PlTCHED voice]" "[STlLES humming]" "STlLES:" "Shwing!" "[audience laughing]" "[STlLES makes drooping SOUND]" "[STlLES GRUNTlNG]" "[STlLES makes bubbling SOUND]" "STlLES:" "Ahh." "Hm?" "Huh?" "[STlLES makes crashing SOUND]" "[STlLES lMlTATES BELL ringing]" "[STlLES SCREAMS in HlGH-PlTCHED voice]" "[STlLES lMlTATES WOMAN crying]" "STlLES:" "Conk!" "[STlLES BLABBERlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]" "STlLES:" "Women and children first." "Oh!" "Ow!" "[audience laughing AND cheering]" "[STlLES GRUNTlNG]" "[STlLES lMlTATES BELL ringing]" "[STlLES lMlTATES violin playing]" "[STlLES makes bubbling SOUNDS]" "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "[audience cheering AND applauding]" "Hey, hey." "Listen." "Don`t go away." "We`ll be right back." "Right after these commercials with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?" "." "Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?" "." "Everything is made up and points don`t matter." "Like that commercial?" "Have a sandwich?" "Pet your dog, love your kid?" "Tell your wife you`re glad to see her?" "Did you smell the flowers?" "Did you?" "Did you?" "No." "You sat there on your fat butt with the remote and didn`t move a muscle." "You ought to be ashamed of yourself." "Next commercial, make sure you kiss your wife." "Okay, now we`re gonna go on to a game called Props." "The performers are divided into two pairs." "Brad and Ryan, this is your prop." "Come and get this." "And Colin and Wayne, this is your prop." "Uh." "Oh, jeez." "Unh." "Colin and Wayne, this is your prop." "It`s kind of unwieldy." "Brad and Ryan, when you`re ready to start, go ahead." "[chanting in latin]" "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "Didn`t know that`s what you meant when you said you had to take a big P." "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "I don`t think we should have climbed up on the transformer, Gary." "[BUZZER SOUNDS] [imitating bill COSBY] Because the Jell-O tastes so good." "Jell-O." "[audience laughing AND cheering]" "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "[BOTH imitating CARS]" "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "Quick." "Get in the tank." "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "Trust me." "It takes some of the shock out of being a pirate." "[audience laughing]" "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "I ran really far." "Paragraph." "And then I stopped." "Paragraph." "And then I came back." "Paragraph." "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "Still lactating?" "Yeah." "STlLES:" "Oh!" "SHERWOOD:" "Ha-ha-ha!" "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "[CAREY laughing]" "Oh, look." "The Clinton tombstone." "[BUZZER SOUNDS]" "Hey, you got an outtie too." "Yeah." "[BUZZER sounding]" "[audience cheering AND applauding]" "I`d give points for that one, but why bother?" "You know it`s useless." "Stop at your local drugstore and pick up a score book." "The official Whose Line Is It Anyway?" "score book, you big dope." "Now let`s go on to a game called Narrate." "Now in this game, Narrate, Colin and Ryan will act out a film noir scene and narrate for each other to the style of some music we selected." "We`d like from the audience a location where this film noir scene takes place." "MAN 1 :" "Gas station." "MAN 2:" "Pizza place." "Pizza place." "It`s in a pizza place." "Act out a film noir scene set at a pizza place." "Go ahead." "[SLOW JAZZ music playing]" "It was a day like any other except it wasn`t." "I was getting a pizza, or so I thought." "Excuse me, sir, l`d like a pizza, double pepperoni." "Right." "That`ll be 30 minutes or less." "I`d seen his face somewhere before." "I wasn`t sure where." "But it wasn`t his face that drew my attention first." "I wondered why he wasn`t wearing pants." "Is there any way you can make it any faster?" "I`m expecting company." "Well, the dough doesn`t rise quite as quick as you do." "[audience laughing]" "He made a crack." "There was something about him that just rubbed me the wrong way." "I thought I recognized him." "Something was nagging in the back of my mind." "I just couldn`t put my finger on it." "Hey, you`re a woman, aren`t you?" "That`s right, I am, yeah." "Okay, so I wasn`t an attractive woman but I was a woman nonetheless, a woman who knew how to please a man." "I`m putting a little extra cheese on here for you." "I like extra cheese." "Do you?" "Yeah." "Do you like your cheese hot, melted?" "Yeah." "Melted." "Let me put it in the oven for you." "She was playing a game that women and men had played for centuries." "Unfortunately, she looked like an open autopsy." "[audience laughing AND cheering]" "You shouldn`t be smoking while you`re making my pizza." "You`re right." "I`m sorry." "I felt like saying, "Mind your own business." But there was something about him that drew me to him, made me want him." "Like that pizza in the oven, I wanted him in me." "[audience laughing AND hooting]" "It just occurred to me, we`re never gonna be able to use that." "[audience laughing]" "[BUZZER sounding]" "[audience cheering AND applauding]" "CAREY:" "Hey." "Five hundred points for Ryan for giving the censors something to think about." "[CAREY LAUGHS]" "Okay, now we`re gonna go on to a game called Telethon." "Ryan, you`re host of a telethon." "Colin, you`re the guest on the telethon and they`re doing this telethon for you." "Wayne and Brad will come on as a chorus of celebrities doing a "We Are the World"-type anthem with the help of Laura Hall on the piano." "[audience cheering]" "What we need from the audience is a suggestion for a group of people whom you would not normally raise money for." "WOMAN:" "Actors." "MAN:" "Redheads." "Uh, people who suck their thumbs." "Thumb-suckers?" "CAREY:" "Yeah." "Your telethon is to raise money for thumb-suckers." "Hello and welcome back." "We`re in hour 48 trying to raise money for people who suck their thumbs." "You wouldn`t think they would need money." "I know I didn`t." "But they do." "Let`s check our tote board-- Okay, someone`s taken the tote board." "So we`re trying to raise money for a new tote board and then raise money for thumb-suckers." "But today, we have with us" "I`m sorry." "A Mr. Roger Philips." "Roger has been a thumb-sucker-- Well, why don`t I let him tell you?" "Roger, if you will, come on, please." "Roger?" "Can you remove the thumb just for one minute..." "...to talk to the people at home?" "Roger?" "Yeah?" "How long have you been sucking your thumb and when did it first start happening?" "It first started happening in the womb, almost 59 years ago." "When you say "the womb," you mean your mother`s stomach?" "Yeah." "It`s horrible." "I...." "Roger, no." "[audience cheering AND laughing]" "And to help us raise the money, we are very, very happy to have with us tonight straight from their engagement in Laguna Beach a Cavalcade of Stars here to raise money for thumb-suckers." "Welcome, please, a Cavalcade of Stars." "[piano playing] [imitating BRUCE springsteen] Well, sucking thumbs" "Ain `t a pretty business" "I been doing it since I was 4 years old [imitating stevie WONDER] Because the people say" "That sucking your thumb" "Oh, sucking your thumb is really dumb I`ve been told" "Na-na-na-na Yes, yes [imitating BOB DYLAN] I don `t know why I suck my thumb" "Just when I taste it, people say, "Hey, that looks dumb "" "[imitating AARON neville] Because the way I suck my thumb" "I suck it every day" "People make fun When I suck on my fi" " Digits [imitating neil YOUNG] So when you`re sucking your thumb" "Make sure the tax man doesn `t come [imitating SAMMY davis, JR.] Everybody put your thumb in the air" "Just swing your thumb Like you just don `t care" "Thumb" "Thumbs" "It can be your friend [imitating SPRlNGSTEEN] It can be your chum" "Take that" " Your thumb" "It can be your thumb chum" "Thank you, Sammy Davis, Jr." "[BUZZER sounding]" "That was great." "Hey, listen." "Don`t go away." "We find out who the winner is, do a game with me, stay tuned for more Whose Line Is It Anyway?" "Don`t go anywhere." "Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?" "." "Winners are Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles." "How about it for Colin and Ryan?" "They are the big winners tonight." "We`re doing a game called Stand, Sit and Bend." "In this game one of us must always be standing one must always be sitting, one must always be bending." "When somebody else changes, the other person takes their place and, Wayne, what`s our scene?" ""Drew and his wife Colin are farmers who have called around a vet, Ryan because they`re worried about their prized cow."" "Ryan, my wife and I are really worried about the cow." "We`re really worried about the cow." "Well, he seems pretty solid." "Well-- Is sitting on him gonna help?" "Couldn`t hurt." "Well, let me try it." "Wow, that feels" "How`s it feel?" "Feels great." "Will it help him give milk?" "I don`t know anything about milking cows." "I just started being a vet" "Are you some fraud?" "Yes, I am." "What`s the big idea coming to my farm" "You`re the one who called me." "Don`t you talk to me like that, buddy." "Well, while you men argue about the cow, l`m gonna pick some carrots." "This is no time to be picking carrots, missy." "We got a farm to run." "STlLES:" "Let me help." "Look, I don`t feel I can charge any money for this." "I didn`t really work on your cow." "Please, don`t bow to me." "All right." "Hey, the cow is comfortable." "Wow, it is." "But not that comfortable." "I think your cow is suffering from a very dangerous disease." "What?" "I can`t say right now, but it`s very fatal." "It`s very fatal." "I don`t think he has more than a month left to live." "CAREY:" "What--?" "That`s what I said." "Should" " Should we call a cow undertaker?" "I would bury him here in the ground." "Or over here might be good." "Right here?" "Yes, right here." "I don`t know." "I don`t know" "She`s giving birth." "She`s giving birth." "My God." "I don`t know much about it, but l`ll try." "I`ll sit." "No, I won`t." "That`s the wrong end." "Get up." "Get up and help me." "[BUZZER sounding]" "[audience cheering AND applauding]" "Thanks for watching." "We`ll see you next time on Whose Line Is It Anyway?" "." "Good night." "[english SDH]"