"The day started out perfect." "The sun was shining, the birds were chirping." "It was one of those days where it seemed like the whole world was in a good mood." "The kids were having a good time." "It was one of those days where, well, where it was fun to be the boss of the yard, you know?" "Kids seemed to be happier, everyone seemed to be getting along, girls seemed prettier." "Those kinds of days don't come along that often, and even when they do..." "Nick!" "Nick!" "Nick!" "Nick!" "They don't seem to last very long." "Fuck!" "My God, Johnny, what happened?" "I saw the whole thing, 'cause I was right under the stairs where it happened." "What were you doing under the stairs?" "My mom forgot to pack me a lunch, so I was looking for some dandelions." " I'm trying to eat more greens." " What did you see?" "Johnny was standing behind the portables." "He looked kind of nervous." "Then Patti came over." "She was smiling." "But then Patti whispered something in his ear, and he didn't look nervous anymore." "He had a big smile on his face." " He closed his eyes." " He puckered up." "Then Patti looked over at her friends." "Then, she waved," " and smiled, and then" " Whammo!" " She kicked him in the..." " In his, um..." " You know." " Right in his gonads!" " His testicles." " AKA his 'nads." " Right in the nut sack." "Hard." " She's captain of the girls' soccer team." "They made it to the finals and they won because she kicked in a goal from her own end." "That kind of force to the groin could fracture or even break the penis bone." "By the time I got to him, he seemed disoriented and confused." "I got him to his feet and brought him to Nick." "It was Patti!" "She kicked him in the nut sack!" "Ew!" "That was so gross!" " Aw, gross!" " Avenge... me." "And then, I heard this noise." " It was a fart noise, but..." " It sounded..." " It sounded... you know..." " ...kinda dangerous." "Wet." "I really felt bad for the poor guy." "Then Patti ran to her friends, and they all started giggling." "The giggling was the worst part." "I can't get the sounds of their giggles out of my head" "The giggles... they still haunt me to this day." "Whenever something goes wrong in the yard," "I'm the guy who has to fix it." "And some problems are more complicated than others." "But girl problems are the most complicated of all." "Nick, why'd she do that?" "Why'd she kick him in the ding-dong?" "I don't know, J.J." "But I'm sure as shit gonna find out." "Something doesn't add up." "It doesn't make sense." "Uh, what doesn't?" "Well, for starters, I found this in Johnny's hand." "It's from Patti." "And look at it." "It's written on pink paper." "And it smells like strawberry." " Strawberry?" " That's right." "Strawberry." " I did not shit my pants!" " So why'd you change into your gym shorts?" "'Cause I farted so bad that the smell got stuck in my pants, so I'm airing them out." "I didn't shit my pants." "I just kind of sharded in them a bit." " What does sharded mean?" " What does it sound like it means?" "Well, it... honestly?" "It sounds like you shit your pants." "Yeah, but I didn't shit;" "I sharded." "There's a difference." "It doesn't matter why he's in gym shorts." "It matters why he got kicked in the niblets in the first place." "No, what matters is how we're gonna strike back." "All right, everyone out." "I need to talk to Johnny alone." "Okay." "Au revoir, Monsieur Merde in Shorts." "Hey!" "Nick, you gotta revenge me." "Johnny, we've been friends since kindergarten, and what happened to you," "I wouldn't wish upon the biggest douchebag in the universe." "But before I do anything," "I gotta make sure." "Did you do anything that could have made Patti and her friends angry at you?" " Uh... no." " Are you sure?" "Of course not." "Why would I do anything to make them mad at me?" "All I want is for girls to like me." "I really like girls." "I like them a lot." "I like the way they smell, I like their hair," "I like holding hands." "Holding girls' hands is just... gross." "Ehh... it makes me feel kinda... claustrophobic." "Really... gross." "The thing about hand-holding is..." "hand-holding can lead to kissing, and this is a crucial stage." "If you F it up, you won't get a kiss." "The stakes are high, so you gotta do it right, and that's a lot of pressure." "This one time we were playing "truth or dare"," "I had to hold Johnny's hand." "It was so gross and sweaty." "Sometimes all of that pressure makes me so nervous that my palms get all sweaty and I can't keep a firm grip, so my hand just slips out of the girl's hand." "Holding hands with Johnny is like trying to hold on to a wet marshmallow." "I want a girlfriend so bad." "One reason is 'cause I need an assistant for my magic shows, and if I had a girlfriend, then I could make her my assistant, and she would dress up in these sparkly shorts, and I'd cut her in half, and she'd clap her hands when I did a magic trick." "So this was a totally unprovoked attack?" "Totally." "I'd never hurt a girl." "I want to saw a girl in half so bad, I can taste it." "That's why we gotta do something here" "Because she not only kicked me in my... groinal area;" "She kicked me in my reputation." "I know she did, Johnny, and I'm gonna do something." " What?" " It's a big move." "We've gotta talk to some people." "Hey, Johnny, nice shorts." "What happened to your pants?" "You make them disappear using magic?" "Hey, Mickey, give the guy a break." "He's had a traumatic experience." "How are your yarbles?" " My what?" " The junk in your jockeys." " Yeah... they're fine." " Yeah." "It's a terrible situation." "Sorry." "So what are you gonna do about it, Nick?" "We're still deciding, but there's a pretty good chance we're gonna hit back." "That's why I called this meeting." "Hey, I totally understand." "A girl humiliated one of your crew." "You gotta do something about it, right?" " And if you don't, you're gonna look like a bunch of pussies." " Total fucking wimps." "See, Nick's in a terrible situation right now." "If he beats up a girl, he looks like an A-hole, and if he does nothing, he looks like a wimp who can't control the yard." "Got no power, can't dispense justice." "And if the kids think he ain't got no power, then that opens up a window for me." "Can I count on your support if we go to war with the girls?" "Hey, whoa." "I mean, I know where you're coming from, but I can't touch this." "Patti's one of my sister's best friends." " For fuck's sake, Mickey!" " You were saying?" "I can't get involved in an all-out girls Vs." "Boys war." "Dude, you're on your own with this one." "Come on, Mickey." "Shake it." "Zip it." "Let's go." "Fart-faced jerk!" "Nick, you don't need Frankie's support." "You heard him." "They humiliated me." "You gotta do something." "An eye for an eye" " That's what it says in the Bible." "She kicked me in my balls, so we should kick her in the balls." "Johnny's plan was..." "Well, it was a bad plan for so many different reasons," "I don't even know where to start." "What Johnny said about kicking Patti in her, um, nards," " doesn't even make sense." " Why not?" "Well, for one, girls' nuts are in their, uh, these things." "Girls' nuts are in their, uh...?" "Yeah, their boobies." "That's how come they're called chesticles." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, so how are you gonna kick that high, for one, and for two, Patti doesn't even have, um, any boobies yet, so I don't know what Johnny's thinking." "Boys can't hit girls or kick or punch them." "It's not cool." "I'd never hit a girl." "Ever." "That's one of the reasons why I have Suzi as my muscle." "Being a girl kinda makes me a perfect fighting machine." " Not only can I punch girls..." " Ah!" " ...but I can punch boys too." " Ah!" " Well, I, I guess so." " You guess so?" "Hey, hey..." "Ow!" "God dam..." "Fuck, that hurt!" "Damn straight." "Even if you could hit girls, that doesn't mean you'd win the fight." "Girls can be tough." "They can F you up." "Not just physically, but." "They use, like, Jedi mind warfare." "That donut doesn't look very tasty." "This donut doesn't look very tasty?" " You wanna give me that donut." " I want to give you this donut." "Boys and girls will never understand each other." "It would be like my brother's pet iguana trying to talk to my rabbit or something." "Scientifically speaking girls are descended from mermaids and boys are descended from monkeys." "Yeah, that's why they smell more like smelling things and farting and burping." "They all think farting is so cool and hilarious." "It's like, can't they just hold it in?" "I actually think under the right circumstances, a well-executed fart can be quite funny." "The main difference between girls' bodies and boys' bodies is that girls' bodies don't know how to fart." "That's why they're cranky sometimes-- 'cause they got gas but they can't let it out." "Sex is the union, usually between a man and a woman, with the potential result of insemination." "The way my mom gets pregnant is she pees on a stick and it changes colours, and that's how babies are made." "Sex is when a man pees in a lady's bum." "That's how babies get born." "Do you even know how babies are made?" " Yeah." " How?" " From sex." " Do you even know what sex is?" "Fuck!" "Aww!" "People think you need a man and a woman to have sex, but in fact, there are hundreds of species that have no use for males, including lizards, fish, and spider mites." "We can learn a lot from our spider mite friends." "Boys don't know anything about how romantic stuff works." "When they try to be romantic, they do it all wrong." "If you want to drive the girls crazy, you just gotta do two simple things:" "Blow in their ear, and pinch their bums." "They're bad kissers." "Half the time they miss." "They get all nervous and worked up and end up kissing your nose or your eye or your head, or they come in too fast and you bang teeth." "That's the worst." "When I want to let a girl know I like her, I either kick her in the shins, or, when possible, push her into a puddle." " Girls like boys who are confident." " Yeah, but not too confident." "Yeah, if they're too confident, then they're jerks." "And we don't like jerks." "We like boys who are nice." "Yeah, but not too nice." "You know what I mean?" "I don't understand girls, but they can be cool." "And although they're different from us guys, we have to live with them and accept their differences, because these problems have been around, like, ever." "Since, like, the 20th century." "This whole thing is like a powder keg." "One spark, and it could blow sky high." "This thing with Patti and Johnny could be that spark." "We're fucked." "Suzi..." "I need you to set up a meeting with Mary." "I fucking hate that chick." "It'll be good for the yard." "Make it happen." "I hate Mary Maladick." " You mean Mary Maladich?" " No, I mean Mary Maladick." " Uh, why?" " She's really popular, but if you get on her bad side, she can ruin your life." "Like once at her birthday sleepover, I forgot my sleeping bag, so I borrowed one of hers, and I kinda, sorta, fuckin' pissed in it, and ever since then, she's been spreading rumours about me." " What kind of rumours?" " Like I pissed in her sleeping bag." "Mary's the most popular girl in school;" "Therefore, the most powerful." "The girls dress like her, talk like her..." "They even bedazzle their cell phones like her." " Hey, Nick." " Hey, Mary." " So, you wanted to talk to me about something?" " Yeah, uh," "I wanted to talk to you about what happened between Patti and Johnny, Yeah, well, it's a terrible situation, but what can I say?" "What's done is done." "It's not that simple." "Nothing ever is, Nick." "Well... but she told him she wanted to kiss him, but then she kicked him in his junk." "Nuh-uh." "He told her he wanted to kiss her, but she said "nuh-uh"." "But then he tried to kiss her anyway, and that's when she kicked him." "That's not what I heard." "I heard she told him she thought he was cute." "Who would think a guy who pooped in his pants is cute?" "He didn't poop his pants, Mary." "He just sharded." " Whatever." " Yeah?" "Well, if she doesn't think he's cute, then why'd she send him this?" "You know what?" "If I were you, I'd just leave this one alone." "Leave it alone?" "I can't leave it alone, Mary!" "The kids look to me for justice." "Look, if she set him up, there was a reason, okay?" "And if you look for revenge, the girls are gonna have to strike back." "Like how?" "How?" "Come here." "Come here." "Watch this." "Do you see Patti down there?" "Yeah, why?" "Holy shit!" "Jesus Christ." "How did you do that?" "Look, we're smarter than you." "You don't realize it, but you run the yard because we let you." "But if you have that kind of power, then why don't you just take over?" "Because we don't want to." "Running the yard is a dirty business, so we leave it up to you." "But if you don't do it right, then we'll step in." "But this isn't about Johnny anymore." "This is about the rights of every girl in the yard." "What are you talking about?" "Ask any of the girls about Johnny." "He's a total perv." "Was he pervy to you?" "No, but a lot of girls have a lot of stories." "Check it out for yourself." "Hey, we've been answering a lot of questions in here." " Can I ask you a question?" " Sure." "In these interviews, have the girls ever mentioned to you anything about Johnny's perviness?" " I don't know if I can talk about that." " I need to see the footage." "I don't know if I'm comfortable with that." "Listen, I hate to play this card." "I wouldn't do this if this wasn't important, but if you don't show me that footage," "I'm gonna tell the school counsellor..." "But that's not true!" "I would never" "I know you wouldn't, and I'm sorry, but I really need your help here." "Every time the teacher turns off the lights for a movie," "Johnny smells my hair." "His breath stinks like cat food." "One time, Johnny gave me some juice." "He said it was strawberry juice." "Only, it actually was a love potion that he made that was supposed to make me fall in love with him." "But it didn't work." "It only gave me the hiccups." "Hiccups are how girls get rid of gas." "Hiccups are kind of like girl farts." "But he thought it really did work, so he tried to kiss me anyway, and his breath smelled like pickles." "One time, he got these x-ray glasses from the back of a comic book." " Hey, ladies." " Eww." " Oooh." "I know more about girls than pretty much most guys my age, because I got these x-ray glasses, so I know what they look like under their clothes." "Yeah." "Boys do a lot of stupid things." "Really stupid things." "That's just the reality, and girls put up with a lot of it, but there are some things we won't put up with." "When we found out that Johnny had an invisibility ring he was using to spy on us with, well, that was just way out of line, and the only reason we even knew about the ring is because" "it malfunctioned a few times, and we saw him." "So I had to ask myself, for every time it malfunctioned, how many times did it work?" "I couldn't let that pass, so we decided to teach him a lesson, and that's when I came up with the whole plan to send him the note, kick him in the balls, and teach him a lesson." "You mean, that was all your plan?" "Yeah, well, as a justified act of self-defense." "Oh, shit!" "You lied to me, man." "What?" "We've been friends since we shared a mat in naptime in JK, and you lied to me." "You said you didn't do anything to piss the girls off." "I asked you point blank if you did, and you said no." " What did I do?" " Peeping on Patti in the girls' bathroom." "She saw you, man." "It's not my fault." "This ring's a piece of junk." " Don't blame the ring, man." " But she wouldn't have even seen me if this stupid thing hadn't malfunctioned." "That's not the point, man." "Love potions, x-ray specs, sniffing their hair, kissing girls when they tell you not to." "Nick!" "That's easy for you to say!" "All the girls want to kiss you, including Mary." "Well, how'd you like to be the guy that all the girls make fun of" "That none of the girls want to kiss!" "How'd you want to kiss a girl so bad, but all she did was laugh?" "!" "How'd you like to be the guy who got humiliated because he got kicked in the balls so hard he shit his pants?" "!" "Johnny, you didn't shit your pants; you only sharded." "Ah, what's the fucking difference?" "!" "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, relax." "Relax." "I understand, I really do." "But if you kick Patti back, that's not going to make anything better, and a whole lot of people get hurt." "Johnny, trust me." "We can't afford to go to war with the girls." "So, what?" "We do nothing?" "It's that simple?" "Nothing's ever simple, Johnny." "Here's what you're gonna do." " You wanted to see me?" " Yeah." "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for peeping on you." "I'm gonna, you know, not do that kind of thing anymore." " I accept your apology." " You do?" "And I'm sorry for kicking you in the balls." "I was only following orders, and..." "I actually thought you were kinda cute." " You think I'm cute?" " Well, I did." "But after you shat your pants, I kind of lost some of that feeling." " But I didn't shit my pants;" "I sharded." " Oh..." "Well... then..." "If you tell anyone we kissed, or do any creepy stuff to the girls," "I'm gonna have to stomp on your penis till it's flat as a pancake, okay?" "Great!" "It's not a cow; it's a duck." "And then the bartender says" " Hey, guys." " What the fuck!" "Jesus, Johnny, don't do that!" " How'd it go?" " It was awesome." " Really?" " Yeah." "Totally." "So... you're not mad anymore?" " No." "I'm good." " Good at being a pussy." "I'm proud of you, Johnny." "You learned a lesson." "Yeah, if you're nice to girls, you might get a kiss." "Pff." "Not from me." "Thanks for meeting me." "It wasn't supposed to go this far." "She wasn't supposed to kick him that hard, and I never saw this whole thing getting out of hand like this." "Look, the whole reason this thing got out of hand is because people weren't honest with each other." "The boys and the girls gotta get along, and if you and I work together, we can make that happen, but we gotta be straight with each other." "So... we cool?" "Yeah, we're cool."