"Ow.What are you doing?" "What do you mean,what am I doing?" "I'm playing footsie" "Ok,footsie would imply something cute and playful" "You're sawing through my Achilles tendon with your big toenail" "Well,it¡¯s fun.I it¡¯s frisky and.." "might I even say,a little naughty" "Ok.No offense,but if you're trying to get things started here, your feet probably shouldn't be playing a role" "I mean,you want me thinking about sex,right?" "Not "how do I escape this razor-clawed creature from the forest."" "All right I it¡¯s just that,you know.." "it's been a few weeks,and- -what ?" "!" "No.No,what about the day that I came home from the market after discovering that they now make sloppy Joes in a squirt bottle?" "That..." "led to some pretty hot action" "Yeah,but that was¡ª that was like a month ago" "I t was?" "Yeah.Listen,trust me" "I don't quickly forget the day where I have sex with you plus squeezable meat" "I¡¯m going to say thank you, although I¡¯m not sure why" "All right.Let's do this" "Excuse me" "What was that?" "What?" "I it¡¯s nothing." "I¡¯m just working on a little cold,that's all" "Yeah,ok.Look,um.." "see...here's the thing." "I " " I¡¯m doing this risk reward analys is in my head, and I don't know.I mean,already I¡¯m picturing it's me having sex with, like,1,000 of those tiny animated germ guys from the commercials¡ª" "you know,with the helmets and the pickaxes And I " " I just,I .." "I think those guys are for foot fungus" "Yeah.Well,either way,I¡¯m out" "Til Death 1x15" "Ok,from downtown for the win!" "Man,there is nothing more electric than high schoolgirls' basketball" "We should probably keep it down" "I don't want Cofeld's wife coming down here and yelling at us like last time" "Oh,no worries.She's not even here" "She's ata bridal shower for her sister's Wedding or,should I say,"civil union."" "What does that mean?" "It means Denise is marrying Janet" "Thanksgiving is about to get a whole lot easier for the only black guy in the family" "So,how does that work?" "Like,one of them has a bridal shower, and then the other one has, like,a bachelor party?" "Do gay people even have bachelor parties?" "I didn't have a bachelor party" "Question asked,question answered" "You didn't have a bachelor party?" "What happened?" "Nothing.Just discussed it with Steph, and we decided I¡¯m not really a bachelor-party kind of guy" "Hold--hold on." "You mean,Steph told you you're not a bachelor-party kind of guy" "Every guy is a bachelor-party kind of guy" "I it¡¯s a last taste of freedom before they cut off our cranberries and put ¡¯em in a jar" "Yeah.Mine was crazy" "We rented an R.V.And my brother got girls who knew gymnastics and stuff" "You think that was crazy?" "I¡¯m still wanted in the state of Delaware" "I made out with a dude" "Too bad those days are over" "I don't know" "We have someone here in our midst who never had a shot ata bachelor party" "What do you say we right some wrongs?" "Yeah,yeah I like what I¡¯m hearing" "And I vote for an activity that include snaked girls" "Or sea world" "I like my idea" "All right" "This is what we'll do.We'll get little dressed up,we'll grab a few drinks, and,there's three of us here, so we could split the limo" "There's four of us" "What?" "Oh!" "Right,yeah Three¡¯s...there¡¯s four of us" "I wasn¡¯t counting myself" "So,what do you say?" "Saturday night we'll do Jeff¡¯s bachelor party" "Guys,uh,can I point outdone little flaw here?" "I¡¯m not a bachelor I¡¯m already married" "There's no way Steph would allow me to do this" "And that¡¯s exactly why you do it You have to stand up for yourself" "Your wife doesn't decide whether you're alwed to see other naked women" "Actually,I think she does" "I f it's noting our vows, I¡¯m pretty sureit was implied" "You know what ?" "I give up Ok?" "Just forget it" "Forgot that I was talking to Mr " I respectand love my wife" here" "I it¡¯s--it¡¯s...really sad" "So sad.Sad,sad,sad" "Oh,wait,wait,wait Ok,all right" "You guys want to throw me a bachelor party" "Let's have a bachelor party.All right" "I¡¯m not gonna let my wife tell me what I can and can't do" "You know what ?" "No.You're not doing this" "Oh--you can't just say no!" "But we've discussed this You're not a bachelor-party guy" "No,no,no.You said I¡¯m not a bachelor-party kind of guy and guess what?" "You don't get to decide whether or not I¡¯m allowed to see other naked women" "Uh,I sure as hell do" "Yeah,I thought that sounded wrong" "Come on!" "Let me have a bachelor party.Please?" "!" "Ok,fine" "Have your post-wedding bachelor party" "Have a great time." "I will" "So--so,you're ok with it" "Hey,can I get you a snack?" "I love you" "Ok,I¡¯m heading out" "How's the cold?" "How's my little trooper doing?" "I think I¡¯m dying" "Oh,this one with the humor" "Fantastic.Ok,look¡ª I got you a little pick-me-up" "And it¡¯s with aloe, so your face won¡¯t bleed anymore,ok?" "All right.I gotta get going- get this thing over with" "Yeah,I¡¯m sure you're dreading going out and meeting a different women named cinnamon" "Well,listen,tonight is for Jeff" "And I just don't want to disappoint the youngster" "Oh,please I heard you in the shower singing, whoomp!" "There it is" "All right,listen.I know on the outside, it probably looks like this is the most excited I¡¯ve been in 3 years." "But.." "on the inside,there is no place I would rather bethanright next to you" "So,just say the word,and I won't go" "Don't go" "You're serious?" "No.Go!" "Okey-dokey.That's my gal!" "Gentlemen,here we are--flesh gardens" "Breathe it in,boys" "I know on the outside,it probably looks like this is the most excited I¡¯ve been in 3 years" "This is great" "This is totally worth the constant, echoey silence that is now my marriage" "Ok.You know what ?" "Time to check the wife talking the lobby,ok?" "And what do you say we lose the Indiana Jones hat?" "No,Eddie,Eddie,this?" "This is my party hat" "You would not believe the kind of action I¡¯ve seen in this hat" "Uh-huh.Didany of it involve running from a giant boulder?" "No.I f you must know,I wore this hat-- at the end of Casablanca when you had to get on that plane?" "Just forget it,ok?" "And don't mess withy party hat" "I haven't seen a naked lady besides my wife in 20 years.." "except on that dirty deck of cards I managed to save from childhood" "I¡¯m extremely terrified right now 10 bucks.Ok,gentlemen No touching, groping,fondlingof the dancers" "I f youdisrespectthe ladies, you will be removed by me" "I believe that,my brother Come on." "Give me a little" "All right I guess this isn't gonna happen" "Ok,let's,uh..." "Let's go" "Gentlemen,wedding rings off" "All--all right.You know what?" "Let's go sit down.Right in front" "Uh,anybody bring any singles?" "I didn't know what these gals expect in tips, so,I went to the bank and took out $700 in ones" "Yeah,I think you¡¯re good Ok,sit down" "Oh,hey!" "What's up,fellas?" "Hey,there he is!" "Hey!" "Hey,Cofeld" "Ooh,let's get the party started!" "Hey,guys!" "You brought your wife?" "!" "Oh,yeah,man It turns out she¡¯s into this kind of stuff" "She's cool,man.She's cool!" "Oh,my god,Eddie That one looks just like your daughter" "Oh,please,god,no" "Come in!" "Hi,joy." "Hey" "Jeff saidyou weren'tfeeling well, so I thought I¡¯d pop over and see how you're doing" "Oh,that's nice.Um.." "pretty bad,yeah.Pretty contagious" "Doctor said that A thing like this could just,you know,leap off of meand,grr!" "Attack anybodywho's around me.So oh!" "I¡¯m not worried about me" "The most important thingis we get you healthy" "I have some great homeopathicre medies here Oh,no,no.I¡¯m good" "I was just about totake enough cold medicine to start a meth labin my belly" "Yeah" "You could take what all the big pharm aceutical companies have trained you to take, or you couldlet nature heal you and put this stickup your nose" "As soothing asthat sounds,um," "I¡¯m not reallythe greatest sick person" "So,I hope that you'll forgive me for what I¡¯m about to say--get out" "Ok" "I was just...feeling a little bummed about" "Jeff¡¯s skeevybachelor partyand I thought I couldcome over here and take careof you" "But...feel better" "You can't letthis thing with Jeff bother you" "Ohh.Oh,why does he have to go to a strip club?" "We have a great sex life" "I¡¯ll do anything" "I mean...anything" "That's nice,honey" "But Jeff is just like Eddie." "He's a good guy" "But even good guys occasionally feel the need to go out and act like complete dumb-asses" "Come on.You've known Jeff a long time He must have done something like this before" "Well,one time he had too much sugar and said some pretty nasty things about Ronald Reagan in front of my grandpa" "The point is--that,at the end of the day, the worst thing that could happen is that" "Jeff gets called upon stage,a naked girl rides him like a horse,and they run off and start a new life together" "Kidding!" "I¡¯m kidding" "Yeah,I guess you¡¯re right" "Bless you Thank you" "You know,I " " I really wish you'd try some of this stuff" "I got this special tea from a lakot a Indian shaman" "I it¡¯s good stuff.." "like,not legal outside the Sioux nation good" "I it¡¯ll bend your head, man" "You get the tea going I¡¯ll put on dark side of the moon" "I just don¡¯t understand why anybody likes this I mean, this is not erotic" "I tsar billion-dollar industry Somebody likes something" "This is my bachelor party,people Can we focus on the ladies?" "All right,thank you.That was pleasant Now my hair's wet" "Eddie,it's just water" "What do you mean it's just--my whole head is wetland I¡¯m sitting under a vent" "Knock,knock.Who's there?" "Pneumonia Come on in!" "Here ya go" "Get yourself somemore comfortable shoes" "Ma'am,excuse me,but I think there should be a posting or some kind of warning if there's gonna be water in your act" "So,it's your bachelor party" "When are you getting married?" "Oh,I actually got married 6 months ago This is like a do over" "Isn't the whole point of a bachelor party to still be a bachel?" "Could you switch places with the little bo peep?" "She strikes me as less judgmental" "Hey there,handsome" "I¡¯m not comfortable here I can tell" "Maybe you should take a little break and come with me to the champagne room" "I s therechampagnethere?" "There's anything you want there" "That sounds classy" "Excuse me--Laura,Laura?" "Oh,my god!" "Nicole!" "You two know each other?" "Yeah We did a mommy  me class together" "Ok,this isn't good" "So,how'slittle Michael?" "Oh,he's great" "How is your baby boy?" "Oh,not a baby anymore" "This is little Joshua and his grandfather taking a bath together" "Adorable!" "So,how did things work out with that breast pump?" "not so good" "You'll seeing a minute" "Ohh.Ok,uh,good night,everybody" "Come on,let's go We're leaving?" "I was just starting to enjoy this!" "Well,come on,honey" "We'll talk all about it in the minivan" "Thanks fo rbringing her by" "God,I love this tea" "I t makes me feel...unconquerable" "Yeah" "Hey,do you seethat hawkon top of the tv?" "No" "Wait.." "no" "I gotta be honest,Steph" "I it¡¯s a little surprisingthat someone like youwould have tea like this it's no big deal,really Just..." "after my freshman year of college," "I was hitchh iking through south dakota when I met thisnative american guy" "He was super hot" "Like,long,black hair. and really in shape" "But not from the gym¡ª just from,like,climbing stuff" "Anyway,we spent a pretty wild couple of weeks camping out and before he left,he gave me these herbs" "It didn't work out,but.." "Every couple of months, I mail him 100 bucks and he sends me more in a hollowed-out teddy bear" "wow.." "And to think--when I first met you, I thought you werea nitwit" "Yeah" "And I thoughtyou werea real bitch" "You know what else?" "What?" "Ha ha ha!" "Check out this tattoo" "Ha ha!" "Oh" "Jeff thinks it's the native American symbol for serenity" "But it eally means"john thunderclaw."" "Oh,my god.There goes the hawk" "I¡¯m actuallystarting to findstripping boring" "I¡¯ve counted6 girls dancing nude with nicotine patches" "Eddie,can you not talk about what¡¯s wrong with the strippers?" "I don't ever want tohear again, "Hey,look.That one'sbalding."" "Heh.Oh,oh,look!" "Something very naughtyis happening withy hat!" "Maybe she cangive it to her friend and cover the bald spot" "Oh,my god" "Stan,what happened?" "There's no champagne inthe champagne room.." "only shame" "I¡¯m gonna walk overto the airport to see if they have a 24-hour chapel" "Well,I guess we shouldcall it a night,too What?" "Eddie--the night's justgetting started!" "Hey,man,hey,what about--bachelor party?" "Whoo!" "Yeah,well,you know what,Jeff ?" "I think this lookeda lot better on paper" "I should have stayed homewith the sick wife" "At least I know what diseases she has" "Do you realize what I went through with the wifeto get this night?" "You understandhow madSteph is at me?" "You know,someonekeyed my car,and I thinkit was her" "Yeah,well,you know what ?" "I¡¯m sorry about that" "But the night's over,and besides¡ª my friends left" "Oh,right.Right Your friends left" "Come on.You know what I mean Yeah,yeah.I think I do" "Let's just go" "Uh...excuse me,miss?" "I¡¯m" " I¡¯m sorry" "I love your act,but I was just on my way out, and I just needed to get my hat back" "Hey,hey,hey!" "Put those hands down!" "Sorry.I wasjust tryingto get my hat" "You need to tryto get your assout of here" "Uh,I " " I would love to" "I it¡¯s just,the,um--the otheryoung lady with the tassels,she--she disappearedwith my hat" "So,if you'd beso kind as to- -excuse me" "Can you just...get my friendhis hat back?" "I think it's time forboth of you to leave" "You'rea striking man.." "amazing armsare like tree trunks" "Do you use those,um,squishy, Springy hand things to...are you.." "Eddie,uh,we could go I it¡¯s fine." "Ok.We should.Yeah" "Good time--terrific" "Eddie,what are you doing?" "Hey,hey!" "Get down from there!" "Leave me alone" "Get back here!" "Leave me alone" "get back here!" "No!" "You're hurting me!" "No!" "Get back here!" "Run,woodcock!" "Run like the wind!" "you don't thinkit makes me looktoo tall?" "I it¡¯s good!" "I it¡¯s good.O -ok" "All right,now,listen" "Remember,our wives have probably spent the entire Evening eating their cookie dough ice cream" "And crying about What we've been doing tonight" "All right?" "so,listen" "No matter what happens,on the other side of this door,do not show the guilt" "Got it." "Ok" "I don't know what happened here,buddy" "But I think you¡¯re off the hook"