"I'm doing a set tonight, you hangin' out?" "Yeah, yeah." " Alright." "I don't believe this." "I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York." "First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore." "They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody." "Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh?" "I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China..." "You better hurry." "I'm gonna hit the head." "Oh, boy, look at this." "Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw." "See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York." "Yes, the city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles." "Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong." "I should give her a call." "She's at that annual Peterman party tonight." "You know, the one she danced at last year?" "No, that wasn't dancing." "Hey, there's Leo." "Oh?" "Who's Leo?" "Uncle Leo." "Oh, yeah." "Right." "Uncle, Leo." "Forgot his first name..." "Did I just see that?" "!" "Well, that oughta keep you busy for a couple of days, huh?" "So, Elaine-- are you going to dance this year?" "Maybe..." "All over your face!" "If you do dance, the cooks want to know-- so they can be brought out of the kitchen." "They missed it last year." "My friends, a toast." "As the wooly-haired Melanesians of Papua-New Guinea once said:" "All right!" "Who's dancing?" "No one?" "Alright, I'll just have to get things started." "Hi, I'm Zach." "Hi, I'm miserable." "Excuse me, Sir." "What are you doing?" "I'm all set." "Did you take that book with you into the bathroom?" "What do you want to hear?" "They made me buy it!" "A hundred bucks this thing cost me." "How dare they? If it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books." "Yeah." "I understand Gutenberg used to spend a fair amount of time in there." "They're selling coffee, bran muffins-- you're surrounded by reading material." "It's entrapment!" ""French Impressionist Paintings"?" "I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc" "Thank you very much." "I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working." "You want to catch a movie?" "I can't." "I'm meeting Uncle Leo." "I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore." "Alright, Leo!" "Stickin' it to the man!" "Sleeping in the car again?" "Cocktail flu." "Oh, right." "The big party." "You, uh-- didn't dance again, did you?" "No, I found a better way to humiliate myself." "There was this guy, and we had a few too many..." "You went home with him?" "Worse." "We made out at the table like our plane was going down!" "Ah, the drunken make-out." "An office classic." "Did you end up xeroxing anything?" "Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?" "What's your position?" "I am an associate." "Hey, me too." "Yeah, me too." "Oh God." "Why did I do this?" "Now I'm the office skank." "Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating." "Ohh... right." "Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers." "As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling." "Oh, bravo." "Oh, hey." "Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches?" "No, we've already eaten." "But you can clear some of this stuff out of the way." "Jerry, check this out." "Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York?" "Well, we're gonna make it happen!" "No, you're not." "Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office..." "No, he doesn't." "He's shipping us a rickshaw." "It can't miss!" "Yes, it can." "We'll start out with one, and they when it catches on, we're gonna have a whole fleet!" "It's the romance of the Hansom cab without the guilt or dander of the equine." "So, who's gonna pull this thing?" "Well, I just assumed that you would." "Yeah, but I thought" "My, isn't this an awkward moment?" "What about the homeless?" "Can't we worry about them later?" "To pull the rickshaw." "They do have an intimate knowledge of the street." "They're always walkin' around the city." "Why not just strap something to them?" "Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day." "Jerry, hello!" "So, Leo, how's everything?" "You doin' okay?" "I still have the ringing in the ears." "Sounds like the phone." "Yeah, yeah." "But what about money?" "Are you strapped?" "Do you need a little?" "Are you kidding?" "I should be loaning you money!" "But I'm not." "Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday." "Why didn't you say hello?" "Because you were too busy stealing a book." "You still say hello." "Leo, I saw you steal." "Oh, they don't care." "We all do it." "Who, criminals?" "Senior citizens." "No big deal." "You could get arrested." "Arrested?" "Come on!" "I'm an old man." "I'm confused!" "I thought I paid for it." "What's my name?" "Can you take me home?" "Leo..." "Alright, alright, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes." "You made your point." "Thank you." "Will somebody answer that damn phone?" "Of course Zach and I have been dating." "What did you think, I was the office skank?" "Well..." ""Well"?" "We've been dating for three months." "Between you and me, and..." "anyone else you want to tell." "Oh man." "Isn't that Zach?" "Yeah." "Aren't you upset?" "Yes." "Oh, man!" "Oh!" "Alright, listen up." "Now, you three have been hand-picked out of possibly dozens that applied." "Now, what we're looking for are motivated, hard-working, homeless gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws." "Now, I don't care where you're from, or how you got here, or what happened to your homes." "But you will have to be physically fit." "The government!" "Because to pull rickshaws means more than just strong legs." "You're also going to need a well-toned upper body." "Or a shirt..." "Alright, who's first?" "Hey" " Name, please." "Rusty." "Rusty." "You know, I once knew a horse named Rusty." "No offence." "Alright, now take it down to the end of the block." "Make a controlled turn, and bring her back." "Let's see what you've got!" "Ok?" "Ready, and go!" "Giddy up!" "Good form." "Alright, pace yourself, 'cause you're gonna have to do this all day for very little money." "Hey, what's he doin'?" "I think he stealing our rickshaw!" "Well, then, he's out!" "I'll take the job." "Potato salad!" "Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book." "I'm sorry, we can't take this book back." "Why not?" "It's been flagged." "Flagged?" "It's been in the bathroom." "It says that on the computer?" "Please take it home." "We don't want it near the other books." "Well, you just lost a lot of business!" "Because I love to read!" "I don't believe this!" "Excuse me-- I wonder if you could do me a favor?" "My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting..." "Mm-hmm." "Where's your uncle?" "He's over there in the overcoat." "If you could just kind of put a scare into him..." "You know, set him straight..." "We have a 51-50 in paperbacks." "All units respond." ""51-50"?" "That - that's just a scare, right?" "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand out of the way and let us handle this." "Swarm!" "Swarm!" "What?" "I'm an old man!" "I'm confused!" "You're under arrest." "I just wanted you to scare him." "Jerry, you ratted me out?" "Hello?" "Hello." "Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo." "I just wanted the guard to scare him straight." "Jerry, he won't last a day in prison." "Prison?" "I'm sure it's just a fine." "He's got priors." "Prior convictions?" "Leo?" "It was a crime of passion." "Leave it alone." "Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need." "What does that mean?" "Nobody pays for everyting." "You're stealing too?" "What are you stealing?" "Nothing." "Well, they wear out so quick." "Mom, you too?" "Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them." "Alright, I'll talk to you later." "Well, the rickshaw's gone." "We strapped it to a homeless guy and he-- he bolted." "85% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months." "See, we should've gotten some collateral from him." "Like his bag of cans, or... his other bag of cans." "We gotta find that rickshaw." "You check the sewers and dumpsters." "I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords." "To the Idiotmobile!" "So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you?" "That is correct." "But here's the beauty part:" "Now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office" "Tina Turner?" "Alright." "Well, I've been to every Brentano's." "This thing's flagged in every database in town!" "Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?" "I don't understand what the big deal is." "They let you try on pants." "Not underpants." "Hey, that's your Uncle Leo." "Uncle Leo." "Hello!" "Jerry." "Uncle Leo, I'm sorry." "I didn't know about your... past." "You mean my crime of passion?" "If anyone betrays me, I never forget!" "Uncle Leo, wait!" "Hello?" "French impressionism." "Oh, I love this." "Now, what is the problem with this book?" "Nothing." "How much do you want for it?" "You know, I could let it go for..." "say, $125." "Leo's furious." "What is that doing on the table?" "Jerry, simmer down." "I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book." "What is wrong with this book?" "Simmer!" "That book has been on a wild ride." "George took it into the bathroom with him and" "Alright!" "Everyone clear!" "Biohazard coming through!" "Clear!" "Clear!" "May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?" "I don't read in the bathroom." "Well, aren't you something?" "Elaine, do you have a moment?" "It's about your lover." "Oh yes." "I know all about his little performance in the break room." "Elaine" "Who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton?" "Love newton?" "I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious." "He's back on the horse, Elaine." "Smack." "White palace." "The Chinaman's nightcap." "An addict?" "Well, it just keeps getting better!" "And, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible." "I'm the one who sent him to Thailand, in search of low-cost whistles." "Filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions." "Plus I have him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel." "Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that" "I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway." "He was cheating on me!" "Damn it, Elaine." "That wasn't Zach." "That was the yam-yam." "Now, he is going cold turkey." "And you will be at his side." "Oh." "Well, you know, I had planned to, uh" "No buts, Elaine." "Or I will strip you of your "associate" status." "Uh, P.S.:" "the first 24 hours are the worst." "Better bring a poncho." "It was a crime of passion." "If anyone betrays me, I never forget." "He won't last a day in prison." "Jerry." "Hello." "Jerry." "Hello." "Jerry." "Answer that damn phone!" "Hello?" "Hey, it's me." "Uncle Leo?" "Oh, that's nice." "What are you up to?" "Nightmares." "You?" "My fake boyfriend is going through real withdrawals." "I'm burning up!" "Eat your soup!" "You're not feeding him, are you?" "Why?" "I told you, away from the curtains." "Away." "Use your bucket." "There you go, that's it." "You know what?" "I gotta go." "Hey, buddy." "Kramer!" "I thought I heard you." "Get out of here!" "Kramer?" "There you are." "Will everybody please leave?" "!" "I just heard that a postman spotted a rickshaw down in Battery Park." "Our rickshaw?" "It's entirely possible." "I want everyone out!" "Let's talk in Jerry's kitchen." "I'll make some cocoa." "Good night, Jerry." "Good night, Newman." "There it is!" "Rusty!" "Oh, there you are." "Oh, do I get the job?" "Yeah, yeah." "We'll get back to you." "Let's get this baby home." "What?" "You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all the way back uptown." "I mean, after all, it is a conveyance." "Yes, that's true." "So, which one of us is gonna pull?" "Well, there's only one way to settle this." "One spot, two spot, zig, zag, tear, pop-die, pennygot, tennyum, tear, harum, scare 'em, rip 'em, tear 'em, tay, taw, toe..." "Yeah." "Best two out of three?" "One spot, two spot..." "Hey, boy." "Smooth it out up there." "Too much jostling!" "So, you want to donate this to charity?" "Well, I assume there's some sort of write-off." "What's the value of the book?" "Uh, about two hundred dollars, Miss DeMooney." "It's DeMornay." "Rebecca DeMornay." "Oh, wait a second." "This book has been in the bathroom." "What are you talking about?" "That - that's ridiculous." "It's been flagged." "I know." "I used to work in a Brentano's." "Mister, we're trying to help the homeless here." "It's bad enough that we have some nut out there trying to strap them to a rickshaw!" "Alright, I, I'll just take fifty." "Do we have a deal?" "Yeah, and here it is:" "You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!" "I could take it in merchandise..." "Here I come..." "So, this book'll tell me how to get puke out of cashmere?" "Yeah." "Great." "So, the worst is over?" "Yeah." "Now I can break up with him." "He's clean, and I'm the office hero." "Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones." "Yeah, huh." "I even got an idea out of it." "The Detox Poncho." "See ya." "I'd like to speak with the manager, please." "Mind your pace, Boy." "Chop, chop!" "Oh, I can't go on." "I gotta take a break." "Well, don't tarry." "I'm behind schedule as it is." "Boy..." "Boy!" "Kramer!" "Whoa!" "Wait!" "Well, this is the first day of the rest of my life!" "George?" "What are you doing here?" "I can't sell the book." "It's been marked." "It certainly has." "So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then I'm gonna return it." "That way, everything is even." "You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back-- and to you that's even?" "I'm goin' in!" "Did you want to speak to the manager?" "Yes." "My Uncle Leo was caught shoplifting here the other day..." "Yes, Uncle Leo." "I remember him." "I'm sorry, our policy is, we prosecute all shoplifters." "Oh, come on." "He's just a lonely old man." "All old people steal." "That's right." "That's why we stopped carrying batteries." "Look, I'll be honest with you." "We've had a lot of trouble with theft lately." "And my boss said I have to make an example to someone." "So it could be anyone?" "I... guess." "As long as we catch him in the act." "That guy!" "Swarm!" "Swarm!" "No!" "Jerry!"