"What are you doing here?" "It's 5 a.m." "Taking a little walk." "You know, chatting with the local hookers." "They're really gussied up for Valentine's Day." "Okay, so, as long as you're here, grab some icing." "We have to decorate 500 heart-shaped cookies before we open." "[ sighs ] [ sighs louder ]" "Are you trying to sigh something?" "Well, it's just that, you know, last night, I told Ben that I loved him." "So you've already done that." "Uh-huh, yeah, except the only problem is," "I called him Vince." "That's not good." "Out loud?" "Do you think I would've dragged my butt out of bed at 5:00 in the morning if I said it in my head?" "Oh, what's wrong with me?" "I mean, I love Ben, and I'm dating Ben, but why can't I stop thinking about Vince?" "What should I do?" "It sounds to me like you really need to take some time and figure out how you feel." "Go." "Okay, that's your big advice?" "The hookers gave me more insight." "What?" "I can't tell you what to do." "Yeah, well, Chablis did!" "All right, look, I could give you bunch of crap advice about how you have known Vince... for a long time and how much it meant that Ben moved here all the way from England." "But I got a lot of cookies to decorate here, so, uh, here's what we're gonna do." "All right." "Ben and Vince are both hanging from a cliff, and you've got to pick one to save." "Which is it gonna be?" "Quick, pick one." "Why are they on a cliff?" "I don't know." "You're on a ski trip." "Ben can't ski." "Look, we open in two hours." "We really gotta move this along." "Pick one!" "Help me." "[ imitates English accent ] Holly, please!" "Pick me!" "Save me from the cliff!" "Or... [ imitates Vince ] Yo, Holly, dude..." "It'd be really rad if you'd pick me." "You're really bad at that." "I know." "Pick one!" "I can't decide." "Okay, I'm just gonna jump off the cliff by myself." "So all three of you are dead." "Yeah, hope you're happy, Val!" "Stop it!" "âª You really know how to dance âª âª When you go up, down, jump around âª âª Talk about true romance âª âª Yeah âª" "âª Keep on whispering in my ear âª âª Tell me all the things that I wanna hear âª âª 'Cause it's true âª âª What I like âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª" "âª That's what I like about you âª âª What I like about you âª âª That's what I like about âª âª Hey âª" "âª Uh-huh âª âª Uh-huh âª âª That's what I like about you âª" "The cookies are ready." "What happened to my heart-shaped cookies?" "They're all broken in half." "Who is going to buy broken heart-shaped cookies on Valentine's Day?" "The depressed and the bitter." "Gary, what am I gonna do?" "Valentine's day is the busiest day of the year in a bakery." "I can't have her moping around here all day with that sourpuss." "She's gonna drive away all the customers." "Well, you wanna take care of that sourpuss?" "Get that sourpuss a boyfriend." "You know, that's not a bad idea." "Good work, Gary." "You know, some people might say" ""thank you" with a bonus." "You were two hours late for work, and you broke the mixer." "Be happy you have a job." "Damn." "It wasn't doing what it was supposed to do." "It ain't my fault." "Here's what I'm gonna do." "I am gonna make up a secret admirer for her." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, it'll make her feel better about herself, and it will get us through the day." "Yeah, that could work, and again, I'm sorry about the mixer, but I really thought I could fit it in." "Happy Valentine's day." "[ Gary ]:" "Hey." "Hi." "So, Val, I made my decision." "And in six minutes, a plane is gonna come flying by that says, "Holly loves Ben." "Happy Valentine's day."" "So Ben, huh?" "Yep." "Ben's the one I love." "He's the one who I save from the cliff." "What made you pick him?" "Well, I just did a lot of thinking about it, and, you know, I've known Vince so long, but if we were supposed to be together, we would be." "But there's always something, and I love Ben." "He's incredible." "Oh, you made the right choice." "I think so." "Oh, look, there is Ben." "Oh!" "The man I love." "Hi!" "Okay, so it's 10:59." "We have to go outside right now." "Uh, do you think it could wait a second " "No, no, no, I have something to tell you." " I have something to tell you." " We have to do it outside." " Why, it's cold out there." " Come on, let's go." "I think I'm getting the change." "It's really hot in here." "Okay, so, here's what I wanted to tell you... [ plane flying overhead ]" "Ben..." "Uh, Holly, do you mind if I go first?" "Oh, great idea." "Go ahead." "Okay, um, Holly, you know how I feel about you." "You know that I'm in love with you." "Me too..." "Holly, can we talk someplace quieter?" "Okay... [ plane flying overhead ]" "Well, actually, I -- this can't really wait." "Um, Holly, you still have feelings for Vince." "I think we should break up." "Oh, my damn." "Wait." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I've been hoping that this was my imagination, but..." "Holly, last night, you looked into my eyes and you said, "I love you, Vince."" "Okay, Ben, that was just a slip of the tongue." "I love you." "What I'm saying is, I think you should take some time to explore these feelings." "Explore?" "Who do you think I am?" "Damn, I don't know any explorers." "Why did I quit college?" "Okay, look, the point is," "I don't need to explore." "I know how I feel about you, and I know how I feel about Vince." "I don't need to think about it." "Well, then I need to think about it." "Did that just happen?" "By the way, sweetie," "Columbus, Magellan, Ponce de Leon... all big explorers." "Oh, my damn!" "Oh, my damn, oh, my damn!" "I've been trying to call you for half an hour." "Why the hell ain't you answering your phone?" "I dropped it in the toilet." "What?" "Aah!" "And now it's broken." "So, listen, man," "I've been sitting here thinking about Holly and me." "It's Valentine's day, and I'm wasting my time thinking about a girl who's in love with someone else." "So you know what?" "I'm over it." "I'm sick of chasing after a dream!" "I slept with Tina, hoping that would get me to move on, and I still feel bad about that." "Nothing good has come from this." "It's time to accept it's over." "Yeah?" "Well, uh, that's a damn shame... because I just came back from the bakery, where Ben has just broken up with Holly, because he thinks she still has feelings for you." "I know." "I can't believe it myself." "She hires a plane to fly across the sky with a big-ass banner that says "Holly loves Ben."" "Now, right while this plane is flying by, he breaks it to her." ""Holly," he says " "Well, isn't that about something?" "That's some cold-blooded stuff." "Now, I gotta hop all the way over here..." "[ Lauren ]:" "Ha ha ha!" "Lauren, what are you doing?" "Those freaks were having a giggle-fest, and it was making me sick." "Shh." "Okay, just go clean that table." "Gary, here we go." "3...2... 1." "Holy crap." "[ gasps ]" "Hey." "Hey, guys, I've got a secret admirer." "Oh, my God, look." ""I've been watching you from across the street." "I've been too shy to come in and talk to you face to face, so I can only write my feelings." "Oh, Lauren, how your glistening thighs and firm buttocks make me quiver."" "I thought your letter needed a little embellishment." "Ahem." ""Your bosoms are like two ripe cantaloupes, Lauren, ready to be devoured."" "Oh, my God," "I think I found my soul mate." "He's meeting me here at 5:00." "Sweetie... that is great!" "Uh, Gary," "Hmm, wow, I wonder why he would tell her that he's meeting her here instead of staying secret and mysterious and non-existent, I wonder." "Maybe he didn't think his plan all the way through." "Okay, well, what are we gonna do when 5:00 rolls around, and he doesn't show?" "Call and let me know." "I get off at 4:00." "[ knock on door ]" "Vince." "Hi." "Um, look, I can't really talk right now." "You don't have to." "Know everything." "Everything?" "What do you mean "everything"?" "Gary told me about you and Ben." "Can I come in?" "Um...sure." "So, can I get you something to drink?" "Or how about some carrot cake?" "'Cause we got some really great carrot cake." "It's, um, got -- got lots of carrots in it." "Holly, I just want to talk." "Oh, great, talking is great." "I love to talk." "You know, funny, 'cause talking is really underrated these days " " Come with me." " Okay." "Holly, do you still have feelings for me?" "I don't know." "Maybe." "I might." "Could be." "But Ben and I just broke up." "Oh, my God, so you do have feelings." "Sorry." "Ahem." "I'm the guy." "I'm supposed to be the cool one." "Okay, wait, are you telling me that you still have feelings for me?" "Why else would I be here?" "Yeah, but when did this all happen?" "I mean, when I came home from Paris, you said that you had all sorts of girlfriends, and you weren't the commitment type." "Well, what do you want?" "I see you walking off the plane, hanging all over another guy." "Wait." "You were at the airport?" "Yeah." "With your favorite flowers." "Why didn't you tell me?" "You looked so happy with someone else, and I didn't want to screw that up for you." "Holly, I knew I was in love with you the second you told me you were going to Paris, and I haven't stopped since." "Oh, my God." "Vince, I had no idea." "Yeah, well, I'm very subtle." "So, what do we do now?" "I don't know." "I mean, this is all happening so fast." "Just this morning, I was hiring planes for Ben because I thought I was in love with him, but now, I mean...." "Okay, look, I just don't want to screw anything else up." "That's cool." "We'll take it slow." "Okay, good." "Because, Vince " "Slow enough?" "Vince, I'm serious." "I'm sorry." "Look, until I can figure out how I feel, we are just two friends, okay?" "One of which just got out of a very serious relationship and doesn't know what they want." "That's me." "Look, Holly, I totally get it." "Take all the time you need." "Just call me when you're ready, okay?" "Vince?" "What?" "No, it's nothing." "What?" "It's just... we tried this before, but something always got in the way." "There were other girls and lies..." "Holly... there are no other girls." "There are no lies." "You know everything." "Okay, well, Vince, I said to take it slow." "Thank you, man!" "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" "Okay, now!" "Hey!" "It's Valentine's day..." "People are starting to get the wrong idea." "Let 'em." "I love ya, Gary!" "Happy Valentine's day!" "And then I found out that Vince still has feelings for me." "And I shouldn't be so excited because of what just happened with Ben, but..." "I am!" "Am I a horrible person?" "No, you're not horrible." "You can't help the way you feel." "Okay, and, hello, can we just talk about what a good Valentine's day you're having?" "And then I told her I loved her and that I always loved her and I was at the airport..." "Standing there with flowers, waiting for me." "And I had no idea." "This whole time, I had no idea that he still had feelings for me." "And, obviously, I feel the same way about him because look at me, Tina!" "Look at me, Gary!" "I think this is the happiest day" "I have ever spent on this earth!" "So what's the deal with Ben?" "I don't think it's his happiest day." "I mean, Ben is the one who told me that I still had feelings for Vince." "And he let me go because he wanted me to explore them." "You know, like Magellan or Columbus." "Did Vince say anything else?" "Yeah, he told me everything." "Everything." "Everything!" "I told her how I loved her for months, how it killed me every time she was with Ben " " Did you tell her about Tina?" " What's that?" "You know." "Tina." "Her best friend who you slept with." "Why would I tell her that?" "Tina and I promised each other we would never tell her." "Why does anybody need to know that or talk about it ever again, Gary?" "It happened once." "It's over." "It's forgotten." "Yes, Tina, he told me everything." "And you're not mad?" "No..." "Well, I mean, at first I was, but then he explained to me that the only reason why he didn't tell me was because he didn't want to screw up our relationship." "Thank you, God." "Do you have any idea how guilty I felt?" "I swear, it only happened because I was so depressed over my married doctor, you know, and we only had sex that one time." "And Vince and I swore to each other that it would never happen again, and it didn't, because you are my best friend and it is over." "And I am so relieved." "You and Vince had sex?" "I'm sorry." "What?" "You and Vince had sex?" "No." "What?" "You said he told you!" "You said that you were mad at first, but then you understood because he didn't want to screw up our relationship!" "Mine and Ben's, not yours and mine." "Oh, my God, that was a huge misinterpretation on my part." "Aw...hey, don't you just love love... lovers?" "Aw, look how my words touched her." "Yeah, well, what are we gonna do when 5:00 rolls around, and her secret admirer isn't gonna touch her?" "Maybe I could write her another note, tell her I had an accident and I can no longer perform my manly duties." "God forbid, poo poo poo, bite your tongue." "Uh-oh." "Someone wooks a wittle wonely on Walentine's day." "How can you tell?" "I don't know." "It could be this book..." ""Surviving Valentine's Day When You're Alone Like a Dog."" "It should've never gone this far." "I mean, she's not as tough as she seems." "Underneath that bitter, angry exterior is a sweet, vulnerable, sensitive, loving, lonely little cupcake." "She doesn't look too lonely to me." " Ha ha ha!" " Ha ha ha!" "You are a very funny lady." "Yeah, I know." "But let me tell you something, Stew, a mere hour ago, I was a big ol' sad sack like you, but then, all of a sudden, a beautiful card arrives from a man who appreciates fine fruit," "and it rocked my world." "So you already have a boyfriend." "Yeah, I'm a-taken." "But, you know, it's too bad I didn't meet you when I was single back in the day." "My loss." "Okay, bye." "Why -- why did you tell that guy you were a-taken?" "Well, 'cause I have a boyfriend, and he's gonna be here any minute." "Hey, are my melons even?" "Yeah, actually, the left one's a little lower." "Lauren... he seemed like a really nice guy." "Maybe you should go out for a drink with him." "Val, I'm not a cheater." "Lauren... about your secret admirer, there is no secret admirer." "Gary made him up!" "Okay, we both did." "There is no secret admirer?" "No, I'm so, so sorry." "It's just you looked so sad this morning, and I wanted you to be happy so you wouldn't " "Oh, my God." "That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me." "You're the best friend I've ever had, you know?" "It just felt good to be wanted, even if it was a fake guy." "Thank you." "Uh, hey." "Um, Stew left his card, and he's a real guy." "Maybe you could give him a call." "No, it doesn't really feel right." "I mean, I just got out of a relationship, and it's..." "Dr. Stewart Rosen." "Doctor?" "Excuse me!" "Hey, hey, good work." "She got a doctor." "Yeah, a rug doctor." "Yeah, he's in the carpet cleaning business." "I just didn't want her to miss a chance." "Aw..." "Gary and Val -- bakery workers by day, matchmakers by night." "I think our work here is done." "No, actually, you still have to mop the kitchen." "I'm crippled." "You're cruel." "Hey." "Hey!" "I'm so glad you called." "This "taking it slow" stuff is killing me." "Okay, look, we need to talk." "I need to talk to you, too." "Let's go outside." "No, let's just do it here." "Come on, it's so much more romantic." "Okay, here's what I wanted to tell you." "Okay, Vince, please, can we just go inside?" " In one second, Holly, okay?" " No, look, I'm freezing." "In one second..." "Please, Holly." "Okay, look, Vince, this can't wait." "Yeah, okay, take a look at " "You had sex with Tina?" "What?" "You told me no more lies." "So I guess you didn't tell me everything." "Dr. Stewart Rosen?" "Hello?" "Dr. Stewart Rosen?" "Damn it!"