" Valco!" " Serves you right!" " Quite nervous." " You won't beat our prices." " Stop that." " If you get it cheaper," " I'll come round and cook it." " We have 17 varieties of papadom." "Offers on everything from booze to biscuits." " Loads of 2-for-1s." " Service with a smile." " Fresh produce..." " ..delivered daily." " The Valco tick." " That way." " Valco!" " I wasn't ready." "Valco." "Serves you right!" "Valco." "Serves you right!" "Very sorry about this, madam." "It gets..." "Something tickling your fancy, Andy?" "You know what this is, Maggie?" "Gold dust, pure gold dust." " You wouldn't believe your eyes." " No, I probably wouldn't." "Especially me left one." "I looked through a telescope once and it's never gone back to normal." "Unbelievable!" "Alright, boss?" "Gavin Leslie Strong, what have you done?" "Darren's new girlfriend looks like her." " Beyonce?" " Dead spit." "Just to remind all Valco customers we have a special offer on our new Valco Meal For One range, which includes a delicious supreme chicken fricasse." " Except she's taller." " Right." " And fatter." " Right." "And white." "What, all of 'em?" "Yes." "It was fixed last night and needs restocking." " It'll take me all day." " Get someone to help you." "Like who?" "For goodness sake, Colin, shall I wipe your backside for you as well?" "Just the man." "Leighton, come here, mate." "Julie wants us to restock these shelves." "Not a problem." " Do you think my arms have got longer?" " Definitely." "It'll help us to get to the back." " Do I look taller as well?" " Yes!" "I do definitely, yeah." "Here he is, Slash Gordon." "Sorry?" " You don't remember, do you?" " Remember what?" "Last night?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, most of it." "Parts." "No, not much, no." "Remember bumping into me at the Crown?" " Vaguely." " You'd played a cricket match," "I'd just won the pub quiz." "You helped me drink the winnings, a crate of Fosters." "I drank lager?" "!" "Followed by Sambuca chasers." "You nearly set fire to your chair." " Didn't some idiot throw water at me?" " No, that was me." "I think it's probably best if this remained a private matter." "No problemo, Gav." "My lips are sealed." "Just between you and me and a hole in the wall." "You might wanna get an alarm put on that alarm clock of yours." "Yeah." "Katie, what are you doing?" "!" "That woman left this potato, reckoned she could see Jesus in it." "It's not funny to mock the mentally afflicted, Katie." "Christ!" "Literally!" "There's his nose, can you see it?" "No, I can't!" "What I can see is a checkout girl looking for a new job tomorrow." "Julie, you're wanted in the manager's office." " Tannoy." " What?" "You know the procedure, use the tannoy." "It's an official announcement." "Julie Cook to the manager's office, please." "Julie Cook to the manager's office." "Better." "Work!" " You know what she needs?" " Let me guess, a good hard seeing to." "No, I were gonna say a holiday." "With a dildo." "Should have seen the boss last night, pissed as arseholes he was." "Yeah?" "What's up with you?" "Got a face on you like a slapped bollock." " It's Emma, she wants to meet me." " What's wrong with that?" "In my lunch hour." "For lunch." "She never meets me for lunch." "What do you reckon she wants?" "Lunch?" " Says she wants to tell me something." " She's up the duff, isn't she?" "No!" "She can't be." "Once that biological clock starts, it's hard to take the batteries out." " Give it a rest!" "She's not pregnant." " Alright, alright." "Bloody better not be." "Baby food's on aisle 6, by the way." "Julie!" "I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some good news." "I'm afraid that Leanne has decided she doesn't want to return to work." "That is a shame." "What's the bad news?" " That is the bad news." " Right." "What's the good news?" "You can apply to fill her position permanently." "Yes!" " Julie Cook one, Leanne Baxter nil." " You are on the same team, Julie." "Yes, sorry." "Except Leanne has been red-carded." "She wasn't sent off... sacked, it was her choice to leave." " Yes, let's tell everyone that." " Well, it's the truth." "Gavin, you've no idea how much this means to me." "Gavin!" "You're wearing your Thursday shirt on a Friday." "So I am!" "You look a bit washed out." "In fact, very washed out." "I had more than my usual post-match two halves of Speckled Hen last night." " How much more?" " I think I had four... pints." "Possibly followed by lager." "Are you having a mid-life crisis, Gavin?" "Thursday's shirt, lager." "What next, marijuana?" " Has someone led you astray?" " No, I take full responsibility." "Although apparently Andy helped pour sambucas down me." "Andy?" "Butcher Andy?" "I bumped into him in the pub and then that's when my memory becomes something of an empty chair." " I'd best get that." " Right." "Anything else?" "Just leave you to your telephone call." "The weird thing is I had a dream I was an animal last night." " Yeah?" " I was a werewolf or something." "Did you kill someone?" "No, I just drank lots of milk and chased a mouse." " Sounds like a pretty shit werewolf." " Maybe I was a cat." "Whoa, look at those!" "I tell you what," "I could get lost in Winslett's tits for about a week." "What's that?" " Sweepstake." "Want a go?" " What's it for?" "Taking bets on why Emma wants to see you for lunch." "What?" " 2-1 up the duff?" " I've got a tenner on that." "Cheers." "5-1 , she'll dump him." "Nice." "7-2, met someone else." "50p each way?" "It's not a race." "Margaret." "Right." " I hope you've apologised to Gavin." " What for?" "For getting him drunk." "Does he look like a lager lout?" "He did when we carried him out the pub." " We?" " Me, Kelly, couple of the lads." "Kelly?" "Who's Kelly?" " Hello, love, what can I do for you?" " Sausages, please." "Sausages." "Yes, we've got pork, pork and leek..." "Then I had this other dream where I was just asleep." "You had a dream you were asleep?" "Yeah, it went on for seven hours." "Alright, it sounds good, man." "Left a bit, bit more..." " There, can you see it?" " Yeah." "He's got the beard and all." "Careful, you nearly cracked a smile." "Well, with everyone betting on my relationship, how would you feel?" "Lighten up, it's only a bit of fun." "She might dump me!" " She thinks the world of you." " You reckon?" " 'Course she does." " Yeah?" "Changed me mind." "I'll do the same as you and stick a fiver on her being preggers." "For f...!" "What?" "Thing is, I make double my money." " Gavin." " How are the Meal For Ones?" "I'm just about to put them out." "How are you feeling now?" "A little better, thank you." "Look, marrowfat peas in with the mushy peas." "How does that happen?" "Andy mentioned something about you being helped out of the pub by him and Kelly, I think he said?" " Kelly?" " Is she just a friend or...?" "I think we might have crept over the boundaries of shop talk." "Sorry." "She could have ironed your shirt for you." "Sorry?" "Nothing." "Hi, Andrew." "I love your..." "Anyhow, Gavin was telling me about your big night out with Kelly." " Yeah?" " Yeah, sounded pretty wild." "Just a couple of single guys letting off some steam." "So, when he left you, was he alone or...?" "Sorry, Julie." "What happens in the Crown stays in the Crown." "There was something." "What?" "Sorry, it's gone." "Pick that up." "So, preggers or dumped?" "Neither." "She asked me to marry her." "Christ on a dyke!" "What did you say?" "I think I said..." " ..yeah." " Yes?" "What the hell did you say that for, you stupid pillock?" "I mean, congratulations, mate." "Well done." "I love a bit of good old-fashioned romance." "What life's all about." "Give us a hand with these trotters." "Would you like a butty, Gavin?" "My Alan's made them." "Pilchard paste or beef paste or surf and turf, as he calls it." "No, thank you, Margaret." "What sort of person pees on a cash machine?" "Warrington's gone to the dogs." " That's not on, is it, Julie?" " No, Margaret, it is not." "What next?" "Defecating on the war memorial?" "Does a hole in the wall look like a urinal?" "Maybe he's French." "They do their business in a hole in the ground." "Wherever he's from, je ne suis pas... je ne suis... amused." "I'd like to see him pee up a cash machine in prison." "Yeah." "Don't let Julie see that, she'll have an eppy." "Never thought of getting yours done?" "No." "Getting me tuna tie-backs done next." " What?" " My labia." " Special occasion?" " Christening." "Sorry, it's a health and safety issue." "Alright, Gav?" "Looking a bit more like your old self now." "You were the colour of boiled shite earlier." "That kind of language belongs in the locker room." "I wanted to ask you, who's Kelly?" "Kelly?" "Landlady." "Sorted our cabs." "Hey, have you seen this?" "Give me that." "You'd think we'd make the front splash, though." "Splash, get it?" "Andrew, I hardly think urinating at a cash machine is a laughing matter." " If anyone finds out I was involved..." " Nah, don't worry, Gav." " You're one of the boys now." " I'd rather not be one of the boys." "Look at my hands, Linda." " What?" " I used to have beautiful hands, me." "You're mental, talking about how your hands have aged." "I once got stopped in the street and asked to model them." "He said I had perfect hands for modelling." "Rings, nail varnish..." " Did you do it?" " No." "Never know who watches these things." "Probably perverts half the time." "I doubt it, nail varnish and ring modelling." "Either way," "I don't like the idea of some grubby old purve wanking over my hands." "And it's not even a leap year." "And at lunch time." "She was gonna ask me tonight but she couldn't wait, so..." "My Alan proposed on a Monday." "Well, house always wins anyway." "Can't we buy an engagement present with that?" "Yeah!" "Great minds, Maggie." "I was just about to suggest the same thing." "You!" "You with your stuff!" "It's brilliant, mate." " Best news ever." " Cheers, mate, thanks." "Word of advice, when you get married, keep your own name." " Don't let her take your name." " I'll bear that in mind!" "High five." "Thanks, mate." "Nice." "Ta-ra." "I hear congratulations are in order, Kieran." " Yeah." " Word of advice." "If you're celebrating tonight, remember you're in at eight tomorrow." "Thanks, Julie." " Right, back to work, everyone." " Sweet." " So you're getting married?" " That's right, yeah." "You're engaged?" "As in engaged to be married?" "Yeah, that's the one." "Congratulations." " Thanks." " Yeah." " That's brilliant." " Yeah, it's great." "Well done." "I've got to get back..." "to Susan." " See you later." " See you." "You, my friend, are empty." " What, we done, yeah?" " Yeah." "Ready meals have left the cage." "Do us a favour, stick it back in the back." "10-4." "Hey, Colin?" "Do you think my arms have got even longer since this morning?" "Yeah." "No, definitely." "This vehicle is reversing." "There's your receipt." "Shat himself." " The weekend rotas you asked for." " Thank you, Julie." "They really are like doing five different jigsaw puzzles at once, so thank you very much." "Right." " Was there something else, Julie?" " Just one thing." "I'll say this, then I'll never mention it again." " If it's the faulty light on aisle 9..." " No, it's not that." "I've been bottling this up all day like a very angry genie waiting to burst out." "Oh, dear." " But it's time the bottle was rubbed." " Oh, Lord." " Where you off, then?" " Going to the cinema." " Like my new lippy?" " Yeah, it'll look good in the dark." "Cheeky bitch!" "I know you're a hot-blooded man with needs, Gavin, and it's perfectly natural for you to fulfil those needs." " But it's like you've changed." " Right." " How much do you know?" " Enough to know you were led astray." "Well, that is right enough." "But if head office ever found out a manager of Valco urinated at a cash machine, drunk as a skunk..." "That was you, the lout in the paper?" "Yes." "And to make matters worse, I slept under my desk." "Thank God, Gavin!" "I thought you'd been with..." "Well, I thought it was something much, much worse than that." " You said I should be sent to prison." " Yours is a demanding high-powered job." "You have to let off steam every now and then." "Right." "Anyway, I've no right to ask, but would you mind keeping this to yourself?" "A secret?" "Between us?" "Well, us and Andy." "But mainly us?" " If you like." " Don't worry, Gavin." "My lips are sealed and I won't let anyone open them." "Except you." " Hey!" " Alright?" " Yeah, are you?" " Yeah." "Come on then, spill." " What?" " Well, you went to lunch with Emma, and she just asked you out of the blue?" "Yeah, yeah." "And you said yes?" "Yeah, that's what I said, yeah." "Well, at least you thought it through." "Early wedding present." " Your receipt and change, thank you." " Thank you." "So Tank has sweated cobs all night, he wakes up and when he looks down at his bed, there's an outline of the Virgin Mary," " no word of a lie." " She slipped out when he was asleep?" "He hung the sheet up, called it the Birchwood Shroud, charged a quid to see it." "No one showed up." "Alan's sister saw a Bee Gee in a sausage roll once." " Which one?" " Irene." "No." "Well, we were going for gold but it's a bit gypsy wedding so we've gone for platinum." "Nice, aren't they?" "Yeah." "Nice price." "Kieran said he can do extra hours." "That's a lot of hours." "Don't say anything, but we might have got the venue we want for November." "God!" " Can't wait to see Kieran's face." " Neither can I." " You can tell him now." " No, I'll wait till we get home." " Got a glass of bubbly in our hands." " Lovely." "Alright, fiancé?" "Fiancée." " What have you got a potato for?" " This ain't just any old potato." "This is a very special potato." "Check it out, see the outline of Jesus." "All I can see is a potato." "You two are mental." " Totally." " Yeah." "Hiya, hon." "Yeah, he said yes." "I know, brilliant, isn't it?" "Get a tenner out while you're there, Gav." "We need it for the cab." " Hell's teeth!" "I've wet my shoes." " Oh, no." "I was in no fit state to multi-task." " One more time." " No, really, please, delete it." "Please." "Good night though, Gav." "We'll have to do it again next week, mate." "Listen, this will never happen again." "Just as you will never refer to me as "Gav"" "or "mate" again." "Ever." "Suit yourself, Gav...in." "Gavin." "That's £13.62." "Just seeing if it smelt of piss." "There you go." "Thank you for shopping at Valco." " Night, Lisa." " Night." "Night, Julie." "Sleep well." "You might be saying "Night, deputy manager" soon." "That's a bit of a mouthful." "No, I mean someone may be made deputy manager permanently soon." "Can't say who." "Fingers crossed for whoever it is." "Night, Julie." "Sleep well."