"This programme contains strong language." "Right." "It's been 15 minutes." "(SINGING)" "I've got a dental routine to hit." "What!" "What the fuck?" "I'm having a shower here." "A naked shower." "OK, seriously, I am not comfortable with this at all." "Women joining me in the shower - tick." "Angry brushing occurring whilst I'm trying to give the J-penis his morning beauty routine - a big fat fucking cross." "All right, JP." "Honestly, chill out." "It's no biggie." "Ooh!" "Or is it?" "And kiddies, if you ever need to go back to geo' kindergarten, don't forget that one little phrase that helps you remember all of geological time..." "Camels Often Sit Down Carefully" "Pe..." "Pecause Trying Jumps, er, Creatures." "It's not..." "I mean, it's not that." "It's, er..." "Now then, Camels..." "This is ridiculous." "Dan's lectures are littered with errors." "Agreed." "He is both shoddy and unreliable." "He's a fucking disgrace." "And he's a dick." "(DAN) Or whatever the rest of it is." "Oh, God, I'm horny!" "Oh!" "And, um, if you're in B Group and coming on the field trip tomorrow, don't forget it is tomorrow." "I've just remembered that it's tomorrow, so I'll see you then, ie, tomorrow." "I won't forget to turn up, like I did with A Group." "That won't happen again." "I'll tell you why - because I'm writing the details...on my hand." "Howard, JP, shall we all make a complaint?" "Yeah." "Great lecture, Dan." "Thanks, Dan." "Hey, H-bomb, erm, you know that summer placement at Shell that you asked me to look into?" "Yeah." "Tough one." "Erm, big application pack, plus the downfall of many a promising geological career - personality test." "It's just one trick question after another." "Exactly." "But, between us, I've managed to fast-track your ass, by claiming that you are highly socially able." "Oh, wow!" "Shit!" "If I was more socially able, I would say..." "You know, but..." "Cup of tea, JP?" "Um, n-no, thank you." "So, what were you saying about Dan?" "Er, just that his lecture was full of errors again." "You should complain." "Yeah, I thought that but then I thought no." "Thanks, Kings." "But you think yeah?" "You're right." "We should complain." "Right, guys?" "Yeah." "My next lot of RAF money's here." "Finally, I can bin the fucking cleaning." "Just going to give my uniform a final wash before I send it back." ""Dear Violet, we are pleased to inform you" ""that your next bursary payment is now available."" "It's easier to remove stubborn stains at high temperatures." ""Due to new regulations, however," ""we now require you to take a routine drug test" ""before the money is released."" "(SNIGGERS)" "I...will see you later, Melissa." "DOOR CREAKS" "Knock, knock." "Sorry to interrupt." "Can I have some of your piss, Oregon?" "Er, hello to you, too, Vod." "Come in." "Oregon?" "Yeah, it's just a, just a nickname they gave me." "Well, nickname you gave yourself." "Bye." "So?" "Second date went as well as the first, then?" "Yeah, I think so." "I-I don't really know what's going on." "He just got a text and left." "Hmm." "Player." "But he asked me to go for a drink tonight." "What do you think that means?" "Does he want to talk?" "What does he want to talk about?" "Is he going to dump me?" "Is he going to tell me he's seeing someone else?" "Is he going to invite me into a threesome?" "Or is it just, "Let's go for a drink because I need a drink," ""because I have a problem with drink?"" "Hmm." "Yeah, it could be any one of those." "Anyway, spare some piss for the piss beggar?" "Got a drug test." "Are you sure you won't pass?" "Spliff stays in your system for eight weeks, so..." "When was the last time you had a spliff?" "Dunno." "Last night?" "Some time this morning?" "Do you want a gulp to get you going?" "Hang on." "We had those hash cakes last week, remember?" "Oh, shit, yeah." "God, what is wrong with my memory?" "..begin to have more obvious signs of gum disease." "Untreated plaque build-up will lead to chronic inflammation." "This in turn can lead to a susceptibility to low-grade infection, the breakdown of the tooth enamel, which is something you are always looking for in an examination." "Why are you still attending classes, Josie?" "Well, as a diligent student..." "You're not a student." "I think it's very important to stay on top of your coursework." "There is no coursework." "You are off the course." "Well, technically, I'm appealing, so, I'm still on the course." "There is no appeal process." "I'm appealing to you now." "That's an appeal." "I reject your appeal." "You're off the course." "Do you understand?" "Dr Minaj, at the end of the day, I'm a dentist." "That's just who I am." "Josie, you are not a dentist." "That is exactly what you are not." "You will never be a dentist." "You used a tungsten drill while drunk and mutilated a woman's buccal cavity!" "Well, don't say it like that!" "I mean, it sounds worse if you say it like that." "Look." "It was a very stressful time." "I was going through some very emotional... ..emotions." "Josie, I'm worried that, er, unlike your tungsten drill, what I'm saying is not getting through." "What you did was utterly irresponsible and incredibly dangerous." "This woman has a hole in her head." "Yeah, I know!" "But it's only a tiny one." "Josie, you have been officially removed from the course." "Come back and I will call security." "(BREATHES RAPIDLY)" "Howard, can I get a portion of your seeds?" "They are your seeds, no?" "I love your seeds." "By all means, Sabine." "Erm, have some of my seeds." "And if you like my seeds, there's plenty more where they came from." "Mmm." "Good." "I just don't know what Dylan's thinking." "God, I wish men would just make it clear what they want." "That's it." "Level complete." "This is him. "Can't meet early evening." "Can we do later on?"" "Oh, definitely a player." "He could be genuine." "No, this is a move." "Yeah, that sounds like a standard template he uses." "Probably a group text." "You probably come up on his mobile as Bitch Three." "How many kisses did he sign it with?" "Two." "That's classic player." "One looks like not making an effort." "Three - looks like actual affection." "Two's a default setting." "Two's basically "fuck you"." "Yeah, I knew that." "What a bastard." "God, I'm so frigging horny." "Why don't you just take a cold shower?" "Don't say shower." "Why can I not say shower?" "Has..." "Heather said something?" "Why?" "Did something happen in the shower?" "Did you walk in on Heather in the shower?" "No!" "That definitely did not happen." "Why are you saying it like that?" "What did happen?" "Nothing." "Right." "I...am...going to go for a walk." "JP, what's going on?" "Why are you going for a walk?" "Students don't go for walks." "You're changing the subject." "Why are you changing the subject?" "Howard, open up." "You cannot come in!" "Oh!" "It's nothing I ain't seen before." "All right." "What's going on?" "You about to have the wank of the century?" "What do you want?" "Can I borrow your piss?" "I cannot let that happen." "I'd give you my piss." "I'd give you unlimited piss, if you needed it!" "What if the lab suspected it wasn't a genuine sample and they traced it back to me?" "My genetic profile would be on their database indefinitely." "If they want to frame me for murder - no problem." "They want to clone me and harvest my organs - a piece of piss." "Literally." "I cannot let that happen." "I need to stay off-grid." "I'm disappointed." "I thought we had something, Howard." "I thought we were mates." "I thought we could piss-share." "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "OK." "Thank you very much for the offer of your stick." "Come in." "Make yourself..." "It's very dark in here." "Yes." "Do you like it?" "Not really." "You have the kind of room that in a film would be a murderer's room." "No offence." "None taken." "I was just about to have some wine." "Would you like a, er, mug of wine?" "No, thank you." "I have an essay I need to finish." "So will you give me your stick?" "Take my stick." "And, er, for future reference, you can have my stick, any time you like." "OK." "Thank you." "That's good to know." "Is it?" "Sure." "The thing is, Heather, the faculty don't know how easy it is to make a mistake with the new equipment." "A petition will show them just how strongly the students feel about it." "It could have been any one of us with that drill in our hand." "Isn't it weird how you used to have a thing with Kingsley?" "Isn't that weird, but now it's like...nothing." "Isn't that weird?" "And the cool thing is they won't let me appeal, so people will be like," ""No!" "People power."" "In a way, this is our Arab Spring." "Excuse me!" "Erm, do you mind signing this petition?" "It's to stop a girl who drilled through a woman's cheek from getting chucked off her course." "No, I'm not signing that!" "I guess what I mean is, there could be an atmosphere, but there isn't, is there?" "No." "In a way, it's weird how cool we are that it isn't weird, isn't it?" "Yeah, cos we're, like, friends, and friends look after their friends, right?" "Yeah." "Friends look after their friends." "Excuse me!" "Hi, do you mind signing this petition?" "It's to stop them raising the price of beer in the union." "Oh, right." "Yeah, OK." "Pen." "Thank you." "JP, please can you stop drawing cocks?" "It's putting me off my banana." "Er, I'm trying to distract myself from you eating the banana." "Because it's giving me the horn." "Right." "What time's your drink with Dylan?" "Oh, I had a text from him." "He says he can't do tonight but can we do lunch tomorrow instead?" "Oh, he's good." "He's very good." "Hi, guys." "God, such a busy day and I haven't stopped for a minute, and I've got so much work to do this weekend." "There's just no rest for a dentist!" "What?" "I am a dentist." "There's nothing weird about me saying I'm a dentist." "Can I have your piss?" "Yeah, do you have a bottle?" "See, that's what I like about Josie." "She'll give you her piss, no questions asked." "Respect is due." "It's good that the complaints procedure's anonymous, isn't it?" "But what if he's found a way around it?" "He looks pissed off." "What if the secretary said something?" "Just..." "Is this it?" "He knows." "What if he knows?" "We'll be in such deep shit if he knows." "Kingsley..." "Right, if we get separa..." "If we get separated, then we meet at the minibus at three." "I am leaving at three, no exceptions." "Good." "Really looking forward to it, great day." "How are you?" "Great." "Great." "Except some ungrateful little geo-Judas has lodged a complaint against me." "Oh, God." "God, Howard." "God." "Wow." "Oh, God." "Confidential, naturally." "(HE SIGHS)" "Bloody typical." "Health and safety." "Why do they have to make it confidential?" "I've never considered it, never having been involved with a complaint system and shit." "That is so bloody annoying." "God." "I'm so annoyed...for you." "I've got a massive erection." "Even this van is giving me the horn." "I'm having fricking horny week." "Right, let's roll." "Apologies for the driving." "ENGINE STALLS" "Any complaints?" "The petition's not working." "I've only got ten signatures, and one of them's Ban Ki-moon." "I need to think of something else." "And the way I see it, Heather... we need to normalise drilling through faces." "You're not going to do it again, are you?" "No." "This is just an idea, and never going to happen in a million years, but you could." "Top student in our year..." "You have a drill accident, then they're like," ""Oh, this mishap could befall anybody."" "Will they?" "Yeah." "I mean, come it's crazy, we're not going to do it, but if you did, there'd be a pattern, to make it their problem, not our problem." "Your problem." "You know Goth Linda?" "Linda..." "Linda the Goth?" "Uh..." "Wears a full length black cape with "Goth" embroidered on the back?" "Yeah..." "Goth Linda." "Well, you may have noticed that she has multiple piercings." "Yeah?" "So, I thought, ask her to come to the practical - and I'm just brainstorming here - then you give her consensual nasal piercing." "Yeah?" "Slight bit of acting " ""Oh, God!" "The drill slipped!"" "Meanwhile, you've already applied hydrogen peroxide with a cotton wool ball, there's no danger of infection." "You want me to put a hole in her nose on purpose?" "No!" "No, God, no, no, no." "Yeah." "Mother nature... the ultimate MILF." "Hello, nature." "Prepare to get fucked." "Have you actually ever done any climbing?" "Uh, yes." "D of E, three nights in the Cotswolds." "No grown-ups, no nothing." "Oh, hi, Dan." "I give my students everything." "You know that, K-man." "When I find out who did this," "I am going to do some dark shit to them." "Dark...messy shit." "Yeah." "Nice, really." "You show those shits who's boss." "We were meant to be going to a cafe, but then he texted to say change of plan." "Oooh." "This guy is using some serious psychology." "He's obviously lowering your self-esteem before he tries on something major." "But then he texted to say, "Let's go for a picnic instead."" "Yeah, right - dogging." "Maybe he's just romantic." "Yeah, maybe he's pretending to be romantic before he asks you to do something weird with a baguette." "BUZZER" "So, what's with the picnic?" "Oh, I thought it might be fun." "Wasn't the original plan, though." "No, spur of the moment." "And, uh, sorry about cancelling last night." "It's my dad, he's upset about the divorce, he wanted to meet up for a chat." "That's nice of you." "Would you say you're generally pretty nice?" "I don't know." "Not really." "I'm trying to send a group text." "Do you ever send group texts?" "No, sorry, I don't." "I'm thinking of getting a new phone." "Would it be all right if I have a look at your phone?" "Sure." "It's quite an old one, though." "Good." "I'm thinking about getting quite an old one." "Do you ever play games on your phone?" "No." "I'm not much of a game player." "Look, is everything OK?" "It's just, I come over for a coffee, and now I feel I'm somewhat on trial for an unspecified crime." "(LAUGHS AND MUMBLES)" "I'm just going to go check if I locked my bike." "So, what do you think?" "I think you've found Mr Perfect." "What do you mean?" "He's like obsessive compulsive or something?" "I mean, like, he's actually perfect." "He's nice, he's disease-free, he's under 60, he's got nothing to hide..." "And he's really into you." "It's like you've found a man with three thumbs." "You should put him in a glass cabinet, he's a freak." "OK, B Group." "Now, the purpose of this trip is to establish what happened here." "What's the geological story?" "And I want your reports on my desk in a week's time." "That's if I still have a desk in a week's time." "Why won't these ropes stick to the rock?" "!" "It's meant to come with the shiny metal bits that make it stick to the rock." "JP, stop being a prick." "Fuck it, this rope's shit." "I'm free climbing." "Where's Dan?" "He went to make a phone call." "Do you think he knows it was us who made the complaint?" "We are going to be in such deep shit." "Not my problem, I didn't complain." "What?" "You said you were going to complain!" "Yeah, I was going to, but then I slept on it and decided I couldn't really be arsed." "Oh." "That's fair enough." "That's completely understandable." "You probably had better things to do, like draw a massive dong, or tell someone you've got a stiffy." "Yeah, thanks, JP." "I mean, thank God Howard backed me up!" "You did back me up, right, Howard?" "Honestly?" "Oh, for fuck's sake!" "He's selling bad knowledge!" "I'm going to be paying for the next 75 years for an incorrect mnemonic!" "Dan got me a summer placement at Shell." "Oh, that's nice." "Thanks for selling me out." "Says the man who stole my position as the corporate face of BP." "You know, nut sack, you don't have the moral high ground." "JP, just because you are high up does not mean you have the moral high ground." "You know what your problem is, Kingsley?" "My housemates are liars?" "No, you're pussy-whipped." "Heather told you to make a complaint, so you made a complaint." "Pussy-whipped." "Shut up, JP, you are not allowed to talk about my girlfriend." "Or her pussy, or its whippiness." "I thought we were having Cokes?" "I just had a phone call." "Great news" " Goth Linda is totally up for having her nose drilled, so I thought you could do with a little loosener before you get stuck into the drilling." "Cheers!" "I don't feel good about this." "And getting drunk is not going to help." "It worked for me." "Drunk drilling is not cool, Josie." "Friends don't let their friends drill drunk." "It's just... anaesthetic." "Anaesthetic for the dentist?" "Yeah." "Why should all the patients always have all the fun?" "I really don't think this is a great idea." "Hey, you're not going to hurt anybody." "Except Linda?" "Right, Linda wants to get hurt." "She doesn't even want any novocaine." "She's a Goth." "True pain to a Goth is like lack of pain, they're drawn to it." "Anyway, let's drink up to a great plan and that race of people known as Goths or Visigoths." "I don't know..." "Come on!" "We're the mental dentals!" "Yeah, I'm dental and you're mental." "You are my friend, aren't you?" "Friends do look out for their friends." "That's what's so cool about being friends." "♪ BRIGITTE BARDOT:" "Maria Ninguem" "Where's Dan?" "He must have gone back to the minibus." "Bit of help, guys!" "Or he's already left." "Seriously, guys, bit of help!" "He wouldn't do that, he'd get fired for doing that." "I mean, we're alone in the wild." "And aren't people always releasing big cats into the wild?" "OK, can you pay attention now, please?" "What if we got attacked by a puma?" "Or a leopard?" "That's probably highly unlikely, but..." "I mean, he would look pretty bad if we got attacked by a puma." "Seriously, JP, what the fuck?" "!" "I'm stuck!" "You cant be stuck, just come back down the way you went up." "Oh, God, that's a brilliant idea." "Why didn't I think of that?" "Oh, no, wait, I did think of that." "It was like the first thing I thought of, you fucking retard." "Oh, well, now I'm inclined to help." "I can't come back down the way I came up." "The footholds I was using broke off." "Just jump." "Stop being so melodramatic." "I can't jump, it's too high!" "I'm like that guy in 127-fucking-Hours!" "I'm trapped up here and I'm going to die!" "(HE SOBS) I didn't even like that film." "Er, Violet Nordstrom." "Here for my test results." "OK." "Hang on." "What's this?" "Beta-blockers." "Beta-blockers." "And I'm on them for...?" "Stress and anxiety." "Oh, yeah." "I forgot I was on those." "Obviously work then!" "If I stop taking 'em - which I can do very, very easily - err, can I do a quick retest?" "The results have already been sent off, I'm afraid." "To the RAF, is it?" "Oh, come on!" "You can't do that!" "What about, erm..." "patient confidentiality?" "Drugs tests can't be completely confidential." "Somebody's got to see the results otherwise there'd be no point doing them." "Oh, they're going to take my money away." "What am I going to do without my money?" "Sell my fucking kidneys?" "You'd like that wouldn't you?" "I don't think those beta-blockers are working for you." "I'm not taking the beta blockers!" "It's not my urine!" "I couldn't give you my urine cos I smoke absolutely tons of weed!" "Don't write that down!" "That's confidential!" "I know I shouted it, but I shouted it in confidence." "I can't hold on much longer!" "I'll go get help." "No, don't go!" "You have to be here to catch me when I fall!" "We can't catch you, we'll break our arms." "Yeah, well if I fall, I'll break everything." "We have to share the breakage." "We'll make a jacket pile, you can land on that." "Are you out of your fucking mind, Howard?" "Obviously we can't make a jacket pile with only two jackets." "I'll call mountain rescue!" "Good." "Well done." "Thank you!" "No, there's no signal." "Can you just go and get Dan?" "I mean, where the fuck is he?" "We don't know where he is." "I want help!" "Why is nobody helping me?" "Did Heather say something?" "What actually happened with Heather?" "I was having a shower and she sort of..." "And she walked in on you?" "Oh, my God, why didn't you stop her?" "What am I mean to do if your girlfriend walks in on me in the shower and then just starts looking at me naked?" "Is that why you keep going on about being horny?" "No." "Actually, yes." "You forced her to look at you naked!" "You flashed her!" "I did nothing wrong!" "You're a sex pest!" "She is a Peeping Tom!" "She peeped on me." "She raped me with her eyes!" "What?" "Are you saying my girlfriend went out of her way to deliberately eye up your naked genitals?" "Yes!" "And she liked it!" "She was all like, "Um, oh, uh-huh, yeah, ah, that's some good sugar..."" "Are you saying my girlfriend deliberately took a look at your cock?" "She fucking loved it, Kingsley!" "And she liked what she saw and she made approving and suggestive noises?" "Yeah!" "Because if that is what you're saying, I will walk away and I will leave you here to die." "Is that what you are saying?" "No?" "Ow!" "Fucker!" "Kingsley, that was part of my rock sample, thank you very much." "Fucking fuck head!" "Kingsley." "Yeah." "Yeah?" "What are you doing?" "Ow!" "He fancies my girlfriend." "Yeah, OK, look, I fancy everyone!" "Oh, really?" "Do you fancy Sabine?" "Yes!" "I even fancy Sabine." "And she's, like, 40." "And a munter." "(YELLS)" "Ow!" "What are you doing?" "Why are you throwing rocks?" "(YELLS)" "Look, I can't help it, I'm just a very loving person." "I'll kill you!" "I'm a bit like Jesus in that way." "Howard, get the fuck off me!" "Jesus was very loving, as am I." "I'm a bit like, sort of, lecherous Jesus." "Howard, calm down!" "SHUTTER CLICKS" "Very nice." "Can I see?" "Let me see." "There you go." "More wine?" "Delete, delete..." "PHONE RINGS" "That'll either be my mad mum or my desperate dad." "PHONE RINGS" "Oh, my God!" "I'm so sorry, I fucked your phone!" "I'm so sorry, I fucked your old phone!" "It's so old and horrible, I wish I'd never fucked it!" "It's not that old." "I mean, it's still an iPhone." "Oh, God, I'm sorry." "I wish I'd never seen your phone!" "I'll make it better." "I can make it better." "No, no Melissa!" "It's just a phone!" "Oh!" "I've found it!" "(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)" "I'll make it all better!" "I've totally killed your phone!" "Look!" "There's Goth Linda." "I'm really not sure if I can do this." "Of course you can." "And you can't disappoint Linda." "Look how happy she is." "You never see a happy Goth." "MACHINES WHIRR" "This moss is delicious!" "It's got, like, moss water!" "JP, don't lick that, it'll have bird shit on it." "I'm going to go now." "What?" "Where are you going?" "I'm not going home." "I am going to... find Dan." "Is that a good idea?" "Yes, it is." "Because I really want to... see Dan." "We still don't know where Dan is." "I want Dan." "Are you guys talking about me?" "Are you going to eat me?" "Yeah fine, go and find Dan." "Ask him about the time he nearly met Morrissey, that story only takes ten hours." "I will." "It's exciting!" "I'll see yous later!" "Right, I'm going to have to let go soon." "If I push off, it'll be my legs that break first." "Good." "WATER RUNS" "What the fuck?" "What was that?" "Umm... my water bottle is leaking water on you." "That's..." "That's what that was and not anything else." "Anything else?" "Like what?" "Oh, my God!" "Have you just pissed on me?" "No!" "No, I definitely did not just do that." "Argh!" "Argh!" "Oh, come on, it's only a little bit of wee-wee." "Aaaargh!" "(GROANS)" "Where are the others?" "They said just to go ahead without them." "They're going to make their own way back." "Can we just go?" "I need to go home." "I know Kingsley's the Geo Judas." "You do not know that." "That is pure conjecture." "I've been emailed a PDF of the complaint." "I recognised the writing." "He does his As like a girl." "The complaints procedure should be anonymous." "Well, if you don't like it, you could always complain." "I don't want to complain." "To be honest, if you want to leave Kingsley here cos he complained, I wouldn't complain." "I would applaud." "He deserves it." "JP deserves it, too." "He was in on it." "I'd love to leave them behind, Howard." "I really would." "But no, unfortunately, I have to go back and get them." "Because that is my job." "Well, then, I'm getting off this minibus and I am walking or riding a puma or even in extremis, for the first time in my life using a taxi man because I have to get home!" "♪ SISTERS OF MERCY:" "Temple of Love" "♪ In the temple of love... ♪" "DRILL WHIRRS" "Do it, do it!" "Fucking do it!" "Come on, Heather, fucking drill the hole, fucking drill the bitch." "♪ In the temple of love... ♪" "Fucking drill the bitch!" "I can't do it." "♪ And the temple of love" "♪ Is falling down. ♪" "Right, I don't know what you're so unhappy about." "Yeah?" "Unhappiness is supposed to make you happy." "That is the Goth way." "I'm sorry." "I did try." "Do you know what?" "I thought you were my friend?" "I asked you to do one thing for me." "What?" "Drill into someone's face and risk getting kicked off my course?" "That's got to count as..." "I mean, yes, it's one thing, but it's a big thing." "Yeah?" "Well, I let you go out with Kingsley and move into my house!" "You let me?" "Which I am fine with, obviously." "I did ask if it was OK and you did say it was." "And it is." "But I thought maybe, just maybe you could do something for me." "But you know what?" "It doesn't matter." "It probably wasn't the best idea anyway." "Still friends though?" "Yeah." "Course." "Come here." "Totally." "Kingsley!" "I want a tuna sandwich." "I am..." "I am sorry about the whole Heather thing." "It's not really your fault." "She can be quite odd sometimes." "Sometimes I think she quite likes making me feel paranoid." "Anyway, I shouldn't have lost my temper." "I'm basically, as you know, a pretty mellow guy and I'm sorry I over-reac..." "Argh!" "Arghh!" "Aaargh!" "Aargh!" "Am I dead?" "Is this my dead voice?" "You could have killed me!" "I'm alive!" "And I'm unbroken!" "What about me, you selfish prick?" "Look at my leg." "It's probably broken." "It is, it is broken, look!" "Blood!" "I'm a fucking ledge!" "What a story." "I was stranded on the ledge," "I fell from the ledge and then I survived the fucking ledge." "I am a fucking ledge-ledge!" "Ledge-ledge!" "Ledge, ledge!" "Ledge!" "JP!" "Help me!" "Fucking legend!" "Help me!" "Ledge, ledge, ledge, ledge..." "I'm a ledge." "Woah!" "Don't leave me..." "Ledge..." "I don't get it." "They're for anxiety, what have you got to worry about?" "Your course is all paid for." "Unlike mine." "Without my bursary I'm screwed." "Are you worried about it?" "Yes!" "Would you like a beta-blocker?" "No!" "Oh, go on then." "What's the matter?" "Problem with Mr Perfect?" "I'm sitting outside having a lovely picnic with lovely, hot, perfect Dylan and I'm looking through his photos and then his phone rings and I look at the screen and then the name comes up as "Dad"" "and then a picture of his dad comes up and his dad is Tony Shales." "Fuck off!" "Oh, that is weird." "Fuck." "Right." "Off." "So weird." "I know." "But he's perfect." "There's nothing wrong with him." "Oh, there is." "There is one thing wrong with him." "I've fucked his dad." "However, on the positive side of things, it is not incest." "No, no, it is a bit Jeremy Kyle, but it is not incest." "Do they have the same cum face?" "Oh, my God, some went in my eye!" "Hey, Horse, yeah, it's JP." "I just had a hundred foot fall from a fucking cliff." "And I survived it completely unscathed." "Yeah you know the beginning of MI2?" "It was just like that." "Kingsley!" "Oh, Dan." "Are you all right?" "Jesus, it is so great to see you!" "Oh, I'm sorry, Kingsley, my foot slipped." "No problem." "Ow, my leg!" "It's so fucking painful!" "Jump in." "Ah." "Dan." "I think you're doing that on purpose." "I'm sorry, Kingsley." "It's just my driving is full of errors." "OK, I see..." "Yeah, I'm making so many errors, I think you'd probably be better off without me." "I wouldn't, Dan." "I really wouldn't." "What's that, Kingsley?" "Was that an apology?" "I'm sorry, Dan." "I'll phone the department, withdraw the complaint." "I've got nothing to complain about!" "What's that you say, Kingsley?" "I'm a fucking great guy?" "You're a great guy!" "A really great guy." "Please slow down, you sadistic bastard!" "RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH" "Do you need my stick?" "I got the message, that you might need my stick?" "No, I'm OK now." "OK, it's just that..." "I came all the way back from the Pennines talking about football with a taxi man." "Sabine, I just need to know..." "Is this stick, you know, is it... a euphemism?" "Yes, it's a euphemism." "I was wondering if you wanted to make fuck buddies again but I masturbated so I'm OK now." "So if you like, when I've finished my noodles, I can give you a handjob?" "Fuck!" "♪ I" "♪ Wonder if one day that you say that you care" "♪ If you say you love me madly I'll gladly, be there" "♪ Like a puppet on a string... ♪" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"