"ANNOUNCER (O.S.):" "Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "What happened?" "I thought we were doing cool poses." "We were." "Yeah." "Ow!" "Ow!" "What are you doing to my cord?" "Oh, nothing!" "I didn't do anything." "You're yanking' my cord." "No, I didn't." "Oh, are you trying to trip me, bro?" "I'm not trying-- This asshole over here." "The tools of a booker... something to eat... a flashlight for lighting comedians... and a phone for keeping track of the time." "That's my life." "That's all I do." "These are my rock and roll pins, you like 'em?" "Oh, yeah, I love music." "No, I'm a big music fan." "He knows nothing about music." "Here-- We bond over our" "What's your favorite band?" "Oh, easy... favorite band?" "Yeah, what's your favorite band?" "Oh, easy, Sleater-Kinney." "So-- Hold on." "Are you saying that because the director of the show..." "So-- is married to one of the girls in Sleater-Kinney?" "Oh, I didn't know that, now I'm star-struck." "What's like-- do you like any other bands on the label they're on?" "Oh, yeah, the label, yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Sub Pop." "Yeah!" "Don't have to tell me the names of the other bands on the label." "No, you can do that." "Uh, yeah, I can." "What are some of the other bands on the label?" "DashCam Confessional?" "What's their sound like?" "Oh, so dense." "Actually, I don't know, I'd say that it's kind of like sparse." "Just let me finish." "Dense with feeling... but spare with the musicality of it." "What's your favorite DashCam Confessional lyric?" "What is upstairs?" "That depends on which floor you're on." "I know them." "Yeah, I, uh-- Yeah." "Do you like any other kind of music?" "Yeah." "No, I mean-- Do you like hip hop?" "Do you like" "Yeah, I love hip hop." "You want me to name you my favorite?" "Sure, I'll take a Top Five even." "Let's start with the top..." "Kanye West." "Okay..." "Kanye West..." "Kanye West is great." "Yeah." "What's your favorite Kanye West track?" "Ah..." "Back up the Truck to the Butt Party." "Back-- Back up the Truck to the Butt Party." "Back it right up!" "Right?" "You guys know." "Back it up!" "How does that-- how does it go?" "Back up the truck to the" "Butt Party!" "They know it." "Yes!" "No, we're all very well aware of..." "Back up the Truck to the Butt Party." "Back up the Truck to the" "Butt Party." "Back up the Truck to the" "Butt Party!" "Back up the Truck to the" "Butt Party!" "Back up the Truck to the" "Butt Party." "Back up the Truck to the" "Butt Party!" "You're all idiots!" "All of you, every last one of you, idiots!" "A lot of people shit right before they go onstage, right?" "I used to." "You used to?" "Yeah." "Not anymore?" "No, like, I'm like, chill now." "Were you very nervous right before every set?" "Mm-hm." "Diarrhea, every time." "And that's where the pooping came from?" "Every time?" "I will say, the bathroom here, is continually-- someone just took a dump in it..." "Oh, yeah, it's a comedy club." "...at all points in time." "Who are these people?" "Me." "I don't like it." "Five years ago." "Yeah." "I'm cool now." "You're cool, you got this." "I actually-- you know Imodium?" "I do something called Pre-modium... where I take Imodium before shows, because I know..." "I'll get diarrhea." "That's what keeps it from happening?" "Mm-hm." "Great." "So, um, my name is Joe Mande." "I am a comedian, but I, uh..." "I go to a lot of rap shows." "I'm a big fan of rap music and I felt like recently I needed... to just like bring that element of rap music that I love so much into my own live show." "So, lately I've been doing this thing." "Let me just see if this works." "( AIR HORN BLASTING )" "Great, so that does work." "I'm gonna be tryin' to utilizing that tonight." "[MALE DJ VOICE] Meltdown." "Yeah, there we go." "Thank you, thank you." "[MALE DJ VOICE] Kumail, Jonah, Emily." "Nerd Culture." "Thank you, thank you so much." "[MALE DJ VOICE] Nerd Culture." "Nerd Culture." "Profiting from Nerd Culture." "Okay, cool." "Cool, just so-- just so we're being completely honest... um-- you've been very fun, thank you, thank you." "[MALE DJ VOICE] This next joke is a Joe Mande exclusive." "Okay, uh" "Thank you... um" "I have been touring a lot." "I've been" "A few months ago, I was in Seattle, Washington... and you know, Seattle is famous for a number of reasons... but for me, lately, the most famous thing about Seattle... is that it's the home of Macklemore, the rapper Macklemore... and I don't know where y'all stand on Macklemore." "He's sort of a polarizing figure in hip hop... but no matter where you stand, there's one undeniable fact about Macklemore... and that is he is the worst." "And we're in Seattle, we're doing two shows in one night." "I come out for the first show, and I grab the mic... and I just like make fun of Macklemore for like 20 minutes." "I can't stop myself, I go out and I'm like, "Excuse me, is Macklemore here?"" ""No?" "How about anyone with like a Hitler Youth haircut?" You know?" "And I called him like organic Vanilla Ice and the Jared Leto of hip hop." "And whatever, it was like I couldn't stop." "And so, the first show ends, the crowd leaves from the first show." "The crowd's coming in for the second show." "I'm in the Green Room with my buddy... and the theater manager comes in and he looks like freaked out." "And he comes up to me and I'm like, "Are you all right?"" "And he was like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." "It's just, um" ""Uh, I just thought I should tell you, Macklemore is here for the second show."" "And I was like, "Okay, we gotta do this!" You know?" "And so I come out, grab the mic, I'm about to launch into this..." "B-plus Macklemore material I've written... and sure enough, I survey the crowd, and I look... and like third row, I lock eyes with Macklemore." "and he's just sitting there like" "Like so, so optimistic, like so psyched." "And I'm not proud of this, but I just froze... and I didn't do any Macklemore jokes." "Right?" "And I was like, "What is that about?"" "And it wasn't because I was like scared." "You know, like, who's scared of Macklemore?" "I just-- honestly, I looked into-- he has like dreamy eyes." "And I was like, "Oh..." ""I don't want to hurt this guy's feelings." "He looks nice."" "So anyway, I think Macklemore may be the only rapper in the game right now... where you don't want to talk shit to his face... because you're worried what he might do to himself." "Does that make sense?" "Like I was worried someone from his crew was gonna come up to me like..." ""Yo, you can't talk that kind of shit about Macklemore." ""He's a cutter, he has issues, he has..." "low self-esteem."" "( AIR HORN BLASTING )" "If I give Jonah a compliment, he turns it so quickly into" "Okay, like, "Hey, you look good today, Jonah."" "As opposed to every other day?" "See!" "I really love your comedy." "But you don't like it!" "But I can do the same to you." "I could just give you an insult" "I just insult you and you'll just turn it into a compliment." "I don't hear insults." "I only hear compliments." "'Cause you're an adult man that dresses like a nine-year-old." "You're right, I do have a youthful vibe." "See?" "Thank you." "When you get your hair cut, do you ask for the Pakistani Morrissey?" "Oh" "Morrissey was a great artist." "And thank you for remembering I'm from Pakistan." "That means so much to me!" "Ah, you're like a poor man's Aziz Ansari." "You're right, poor people do love my comedy." "And who needs to laugh more than them?" "They could use it." "This is our pre-game." "Sorry." "Sorry." "My throat's messed." "Please welcome to the stage, Beth Stelling!" "Thank you." "My parents are divorced, did I say that, or is that obvious?" "And at Christmas time, my mother gave me the ring that my dad gave her." "Um, and I was just like, "This... is haunted."" "Now my mother did remarry." "She accidently married the local church organist." "And they got married on my ninth birthday." "Not a gift." "And I did not smile in a single wedding photo." "Which I feel great about to this day." "Still feel really good about it." "And my mother is gorgeous." "I mean" "And um, he was extraordinarily ugly." "I don't know what you have to do to earn your chin in the womb... but he didn't do it." "And he had this beard, you know, to cover up his ugly face." "And he-- we had one bathroom for all of us." "All of us, me and my mom, my sisters and him." "And he would clip his beard over the sink... and it would inevitably-- the beard bristles would get into our toothbrushes." "Right?" "We hate him, everybody hates him." "And, uh" "And so one night, in a final push, you know, really get him out of the house... my sisters were getting ready to go out and have some Milwaukee's Best." "They're in high school." "He is downstairs in the kitchen building a stew." "I'm in junior high, I'm up in my room just listening to Sarah McLachlan... fingering my bead curtains, you know?" "And before they leave... they look into the cupboard... find the spiciest peppers available... and then dump them into his stew." "And so then the phone rings, the landline... and when you're in junior high, like, you really need to get it within the first three rings." "You know, because it's probably someone who wants to finger you." "And if you miss it, you know, they are just going right down the school directory." "You know what I mean?" "So, I'm upset." "You know, and he's upset... because of the stew." "And so he starts just picking out the spicy peps one by one... and putting them into a shallow dish of water." "Then he walks them up to my room, and knocks at my door three times... over a period of 15 minutes." "so when I open the door and he's standing there... he looks like a-- like a fire-crotch Abraham Lincoln-Icabod Crane." "and he just like shoves this bowl in my face, you know?" "And he's like, "Do you know what these are... and what they could have done to me?"" "And I just looked at him and I was like, "You're not my dad!"" "You know, then I just like slammed the door in his face." "And then my mom came home and I did hear them arguing... and I could hear him saying like, "Then she slammed the door in my face..." ""and if she does it again, I'm gonna take that door right off the hinges."" "And then I heard it, so I yelled down from upstairs..." ""Why, because you want to see me naked?"" "And they got a divorce, um" "So we won!" "Thank you, thank you, guys!" "We are very excited to bring up our next comedian." "Our next comic is amazing." "[LAUREN] No, let me do it!" "Let me do it, I want to go up." "Shut up, Lauren." "[LAUREN] Jonah, shut up!" "No, you shut up, Laur-- My little sister" "Is that your sister?" "Shut up!" "Let me go up!" "Why aren't you in the car?" "I" " I got out!" "Oh, god, that's my little sister, Lauren." "Come on, let me do stand-up." "I ha" " I have a 60-minute set." "Okay, that's the entire season." "Yeah." "You're not a stand-up comedian." "You've never done it before." "Because you never let me, please!" "I'm gonna-- coming up!" "Don't come up to the-- hey!" "No, no, no!" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "You brought your own microphone?" "I knew you wouldn't give me one." "Hi, Kumail." "Hey, Lauren, how's it going?" "Good." "Okay, stop, stop it." "Stop." "You shut up!" "Hey, dude, this is" "Don't, that's my friend." "I'm talking to Kumail." "Why is she always so fucking weird with me?" "I mean" "She has a crush on you, Kumail." "No, I don't!" "Yes, you do!" "You-- Oh, my god!" "You have all those Silicon Valley posters in your bedroom." "They were free from a thing!" "Can I try one of my jokes on you guys?" "No, Lauren-- no, no!" "No, don't-- don't!" "Please!" "Okay, um-- Lauren, if we" "You'll like it." "No, I don't want to like it." "You can't control what you like." "Don't-- don't-- stop it!" "Just do your jokes!" "Okay, okay!" "Um, okay, so, like the other night I got to go to an eighth-grade birthday party... and it turns out it was a make-out party." "And I had to do 7 Minutes in Heaven... but it was more like 7 Minutes in Hell, because Kumail wasn't there." "That's not a joke, Lauren." "Jonah." "Yes, it is!" "Yes, it is!" "That is not a joke!" "What's the set-up and the punch line?" "The set-up is that I love Kumail!" "Oh, my!" "It's like-- what?" "No." "Lauren, are you done?" "So like one time, um, when Jonah was in middle school... he pooped in the pool." "Hey, what the fuck, Lauren!" "That's not true!" "And yeah, he told everyone it was a Twix bar." "Shut-- and then they were like, "Why did you hide a Twix in your butt?"" "No one said that when I pooped my" "So you did poop your pants." "[LAUREN] Yeah." "No, I didn't!" "Jonah pooped his pants!" "Yeah!" "That is-- that's low!" "And you said it was a Twix bar?" "Were they like, "Why is it a two-sie?"" "Do you have two buttholes next to each other?" "Nice!" "Okay." "Are you done?" "[LAUREN] No, I'm not done!" "Do another-- Okay, okay, so like..." "I know it's not cool to like talk about your dreams or whatever." "Oh, god." "But, like" "I had a dream last night that was really weird." "Um, like, so like me and Kumail, we were in bed together." "But it wasn't like that." "It wasn't like that." "Like, we were sleeping, like, back to back and like..." "Okay, good." "his butt was touching my butt." "Oh, f-- and like, then like his butt ate my butt." "What do you think it means?" "I don't even know what it would look like." "Kumail, I wrote you a note." "Maybe you could read it." "I'll read you the whole note." "It says, "Your butt can eat my butt any time."" "And then there's a box with a "Y" and a box with an "N"." "He's married." "So much tension." "No, he's not." "Yes, he is." "No, he's not." "That's his wife right there." "Shut up." "She's beautiful." "He put "No", I'm shit." "No, hey!" "Forget it!" "You're not shit!" "Tell me what I am." "I'm never gonna forget this as long as I live, so make it good." "Uh, you're a nice, little girl." "That came out way weirder" "I gotta go." "Get out of here, Lauren!" "Bye!" "Goodbye, giv-- my little sister Lauren." "[KUMAIL] Lauren Lapkus, everyone." "Lauren Lapkus." "Chill outfit." "I should-- just relaxing." "Wait, are you next?" "Don't ever leave." "Wait, who's next?" "Am I next?" "You're next." "Shit, man!" "For real?" "Yeah, because they're just doing an audience-- they're doing" "I didn't know that." "That's cute." "Shit." "You got it, don't even worry about it." "Okay, but we need to" "We need to pre-set, um" "How are my shoulders, though?" "It's okay?" "Yeah, we have some" "Baking soda!" "I got baking soda!" "Baking soda!" "I got baking soda!" "Everybody!" "So stupid." "Holy shit!" "That was the best thing I've ever seen!" "Uh, can a camera guy get just up front to see from our..." "perspective." "My favorite part is that they had no idea!" "[JONAH] Yeah." "So what a weird splash zone that w" " I could feel it." "It burns your nostrils, doesn't it?" "Yeah." "It's like if you go to a Gallagher show... you'd know to expect this." "[JONAH] Yeah." "Here I would be okay if you were very upset." "[JONAH] Yeah... yeah." "I'm really sorry about that, front row." "That was" "'Cause I have the smallest bit in my nose, and it sucks." "Natasha, fuck them!" "Yeah!" "Natasha Leggero, everyone." "Thank you so much!" "[JONAH] Thank you so much for coming to the Meltdown!" "Back to square one." "Yup." "This is why I would have never made it in Art Department." "Because I don't know how to make a pink microphone for a girl that's in seventh grade." "[KUMAIL] Can we"