"(Woman) Living in New York has taught me that life is full of surprises." "They can be scary, but if you're open to them... (Door closes) They can also change your life." "Steven." "Chloe." "I knew this was going to happen." "So did I." "(Grunting)" "Oh, God!" "Yeah." "Oh!" "(Moans) (Moans)" "(Continues moaning)" "Ohh!" "I like this picture of you." "Oh, thank you." "(Squish) (Both moaning)" "Yeah." "Uhh." "Ohh!" "Oh, God." "Such a bad boy." "(Switch clicks)" "(Steven) Oh, yeah, take me." "Aah!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "June." "What the hell is going on?" "!" "Hey, um..." "I can explain." "No, Steven, let me." "(Squish)" "June, sweetheart, I screwed your fiance on your birthday cake, and I'm gonna be late with my half of the rent." "That's right." "My roommate slept with my fiance on my birthday cake, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me." "(Woman) ♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪" "♪ but I can tell you ♪" "(Whispers) ♪ she's a... ♪ (Buzzer)" "♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪" "It's just like in "Friends."" "Have you ever seen anything so beautiful in your entire life?" "Only my newborn son's face." "I have to take a picture." "I have to show my parents." "They're not gonna believe this." "(Camera shutter clicks)" "I've heard that bread out there is $4 a loaf." "Don't buy bread!" "I will send you bread!" "I can't wait to show this to Steven." "He's my fiance." "He's getting his Master's Degree in Behavioral Psychology." "Once I finish my thesis, I'll join you in New York, and we'll get married." "I'll be counting the days, June-bug." "I made a giraffe out of pipe cleaners." "Oh!" "I know what you're thinking." "How did I get here?" "It's like you're inside my mind." "Buchwald Mortgage Company." "They paid to relocate me." "They gave me this company apartment." "I mean, can you believe it?" "I'm turning 26 next week, and my life plan is right on schedule." "♪ Ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba, ba-da-ba ♪ (Elevator bell dings)" "(Exhales deeply) (Telephone ringing)" "(Alarm wailing, people shouting indistinctly)" "(Man sobbing, woman screaming)" "(Flame whooshes)" "(Explosion)" "(Woman screams)" "Hey!" "What's going on?" "Uh, we've been shut down." "The government froze all our assets." "What?" "!" "Yeah." "Apparently, Mr. Buchwald's been embezzling investors out of billions of dollars." "Police are looking for him right now." "(Banging) (Man) Where's Buchwald?" "!" "(Glass shatters, man screaming)" "I don't think you understand." "I moved all the way from Indiana for this job." "Oh, you're June Colbern." "Mark Reynolds." "Hey." "I would've been your associate mentor." "Little advice..." "adopt a looting mentality." "(Rustles)" "Oh, see?" "She gets it." "You're never gonna use that, Rhonda!" "(Laughs) I love it." "Oh, Rhonda." "(Alarm continues wailing, woman sobbing)" "(Siren whoops)" "Oh, my..." "What happened?" "This building is an asset of Buchwald Mortgage Company and has been seized by the government." "But I live in there." "I don't think you do." "June Colbern?" "Where you want your crap?" "(Gasps)" "Excuse me." "You can't live here." "I ordered a small coffee." "They said I could sit here if I ordered a small coffee, so..." "June?" "It's me, Mark." "Hey, yeah." "Just got hired as a manager here." "Can't have a gap in the resume, right?" "It's been, like, four hours." "Oh, yeah, I know." "Right." "Well, I have a plan, too, and it does not involve me going home and telling my family that I'm a failure." "We have a spent a lot of money putting you through grad school." "You're our little investment." "We've missed our last three mortgage payments, but no pressure, honey!" "I have to make it." "I'm just..." "I'm just gonna have to wait out the storm." "I mean, this bad luck cannot last forever." ""Roommate... wanted." (Mouse clicks)" "(Cats meowing) And that's Billy." "That's Joanne." "That's Austin, and that's Karen." "She's the serious one." "Oh." "(Taps keys)" "(Meows)" "Can you believe I'm a grandmother?" "Look at my thighs." "Taut." "Ropey." "(Pole squeaking)" "Madonna Ropey." "(Thud)" "I don't enjoy rude women, loud women, talky women, or redheads." "We may or may not become lovers." "That's... up to you." "(Chair creaks)" "So my last roommate of four years just moved out to get married, and I say "roommate,"" "but we were more like sisters." "We helped each other through all the ups and downs." "New York can be such a scary place when you first move here." "You really need to have a good support system." "Chicken satay?" "Top three things in my perfect day... chicken satay, live Brazilian music, and Baz Luhrmann movies." "And Prince Harry in my bed!" "(Squeals)" "I extended it." "I extended it to four things." "(Laughs)" "Is that a picture of Dawson?" "Ah, yeah." "James Van Der Beek." "The beek from the creek." "Le beek c'est chic." "(Both laugh)" "Yeah, we dated for a while and then decided we are better off as friends." "We weren't really compatible genitally." "Imagine trying to fit a cucumber into a coin purse." "Ooh." "(Laughs)" "Anyway, so yeah, now he's like my gay B.F.F. But straight." "Have you ever had a straight gay B.F.F.?" "You're fantastic." "You're fantastic." "And you're drinking a pink drink, and..." "I-I wanna live here." "(Giggles) It's first, last, and security to move in." "Oh, fine." "I mean, that's everything I have in my savings, but it is worth it." "Okay." "Let's do it." "Oh, my God!" "Really?" "Thank you!" "(Both laugh)" "Friends!" "(Click)" "(Exhales deeply)" "(Whispering) Psst!" "You." "Come here." "(Elevator bell dings)" "(Lowered voice) Come here." "I'm trying to help you." "This is important information!" "Are you here for the roommate posting?" "Oh, yes, in fact, I-I... don't trust the bitch in apartment 23." "Uh, excuse me?" "I'm..." "I'm sorry." "You said something really disturbing, and then you slammed the door." "Hello?" "No one's home!" "(Chain lock scrapes)" "Hi, Steven, it's me." "Oh, you're never gonna believe what has happened." "Call me when you get this." "Okay?" "Bye." "Hello, neighbor." "(Cell phone beeps)" "Hi." "I'm Eli." "Building next door." "Oh, hi." "I'm June." "I-I just moved in." "You must be pretty hot from carrying all those boxes, huh?" "Pretty sweaty?" "Yeah." "I guess I am." "I'm a little sore." "Yeah." "Sore." "(Moans)" "What are you doing?" "Hmm?" "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "No!" "You stop." "Mm-hmm." "No, you stop that!" "I'm calling the cops." "I'm calling the police!" "What's up?" "Whoa!" "Whoa." "Whoa." "Hey." "I can see your no-no's." "Don't come in here." "There's a pervert right there." "Hey, Eli." "Hey, Chloe." "Wait." "You know that guy?" "Oh, yeah, we're old friends." "He shut down this underground Sushi restaurant I was working at." "Health inspector." "Too much rat feces, Chloe." "So how was moving?" "I was gonna help you, but then I didn't want to." "Um... every... yeah, it was fine." "It was fine." "Um, I did kind of have a weird exchange with a woman down the hall." "She sort of warned me not to... trust you." "Ohh." "That's Robin." "She's in love with me." "Okay." "Yeah." "We met a few years ago shooting a rap music video." "She was a P.A. I got champagne sprayed on my ass." "(Man) ♪ bitch, do your dance ♪" "♪ I can draw a circle ♪" "Take it." "Yeah." "Take it!" "I wrote a rap at Christian Camp." "It was called "Jesus is right, word!"" "It's funny." "(Dance music playing)" "(Laughing) Oh." "What is going on?" "Oh, hey, roomie." "You're just in time for a little 4-way action." "(Whispers) Take off your pants." "I gave assurances." "(Mouth full) I support that idea wholeheartedly." "One..." "I'm engaged, and number two..." "I have..." "I have job interviews tomorrow, so..." "Just keep it down." "(Chloe) Oh, come on." "Are you sure?" "They're super hot!" "(Door slams)" "Ugh." "Get off me." "Go to sleep." "(Sighs)" "(Music stops)" "(Dials)" "(Ring)" "(Click) Hey, "tiger beat."" "Hey, whore-nado." "What you doin'?" "Nothing." "Just watching some TV." "What are you doing?" "Just reading a script." "Something Judd Apatow wants me to do." "You know, with my schedule..." "(Paula Cole) ♪ I don't want to wait ♪" "♪ for my life to be over ♪ you got a fan over, huh?" "Yeah." "Did she get you to put on the flannel?" "We're negotiating." "♪ What will it be?" "♪" "So the new roommate move out yet?" "(Sighs) Soon." "I give her three days, tops." "You are such a con artist." "No, I'm a humanitarian." "(Laughs) Really?" "A humanitarian posts for roommates, takes their money, and drives them crazy till they move out?" "Eventually these girls realize that they don't belong here, and I'm just helping push them out." "I'm part of the great digestive system that is New York City." "Do you think maybe this is why you don't have any female friends?" "Whatever." "I don't want any." "Girls are too mean." "So what's this one called?" "It doesn't matter what her name is." "She's just another small-town, trusting doormat." "Like, she's got this fiance she's always gushing about." "Meanwhile, he never takes her phone calls, and he spends all of his time with some 13-year-old boy." "(Clicking)" "Hello." "Something is not right with that guy." "Okay." "Gotta go." "(Horn blares)" "This job is yours." "You just have to go in there and take it!" "(Telephone ringing) So if you could just give my resume to your boss, you'd see that I have my MBA..." "lady, we are not hiring." "I told you a million times." "(Telephone ringing)" "Hey!" "I'm doing it!" "I'm doing it!" "We have another runner!" "I... oh, my God!" "(Thud)" "(Cell phone beeps)" "(Automated female voice) You have one new message." "Hi, honey." "Uh, sorry we keep missing each other." "Uh, things are crazy with Jeremy." "He's developed a fear of bicycles, so I put him in the wind chamber." "(Wind whooshing)" "I'm gonna be here all night." "Uh, I'll try again tomorrow." "I love you." "(Beep, door opens)" "Hey." "How did the job hunt go?" "Um, I'd kind of like to be alone." "Oh, sorry." "Were you masturbating?" "What?" "No." "Don't worry." "I get it." "I have a long-standing sexual history with that tub." "It's like I'm Jessica Tandy, and that tub is hume cronyn." "Don't mind me." "Get your cronyn on." "Um, m sorry." "I-I don't mean to be rude." "But I really had a long..." "you like it?" "It's Alexander McQueen." "I bought it with the extra rent money you gave me." "The extra rent money?" "Oh, well, duh." "The real rent is way lower than what I told you, so I used the extra money, and I bought the purse." "So... you're saying that you stole from me?" "Oh, that's such an ugly word." "But yes." "That's exactly what I'm saying." "Sue me." "And you really don't feel bad at all?" "Survival of the fittest, my friend." "Nobody gave me a break when I first moved to New York, and she'll be happier back in Ohio or whatever." "I remember when you first moved here." "You told me your name was Simone, and you sold me a condo." "Aah!" "And then the owners came back from vacation." "They were really angry." "(Laughs)" "(Laughs)" "Well, it worked." "All her stuff is gone." "No, all of my stuff is gone." "Where the hell is my furniture?" "I sold it." "Since you stole money from me," "I felt like you owed me." "Hmm." "Sue me." "Well..." "look who decided to pick up a racquet and join the game." "Good for you." "Yeah, well, you can go to hell, too." "Wait." "What?" "What?" "You've surprised me, and I'm rarely surprised." "James, meet June." "June, meet James." "Heard a lot about you, June." "So you like to rub-a-dub-dub in the tub?" "What?" "No." "Wait." "Did... she..." "she said that?" "Whatever." "Most of that stuff was junk anyway." "Wait." "Who bought it?" "Hello, mom, I can't talk right now." "I'm hanging out with Chloe's stuff." "Ha ha ha ha!" "Chloe, you are so funny." "Puns." "It's..." "it's so nice to meet you." "I was a huge "Dawson's creek" fan." "Aw, thank you." "♪ I don't want to wait ♪" "Yeah. (Grunts)" "That's the song." "You sold my bedroom furniture, too?" "Yeah." "Like you said, all the stuff in the living room was junk." "That ottoman had been in my family for generations." "My mother gave it to me when my Nana died." "I was 9 years old." "It's the only thing that I owned that I even cared about." "Yeah, well, you deserve..." "I'm sorry." "I'm really not good at counter punching, and I brought a gun to a knife fight." "I did that once." "I was arm-wrestling Kevin Sorbo in a Canadian production of..." "James, not now." "(Door creaks)" "Hmm." "Hello." "Robin, hi." "I need to buy back that ottoman that I sold you." "Oh, hmm." "How's it feel being on the short end of the stick?" "Huh?" "Yeah." "It's payback time, bitch." "I thought you said she was in love with you." "Whoa!" "No, I was roommate number four." "She stole my jewelry, and she got me fired from the hospital." "Well, I finally got you back." "I've reclaimed my power, and it feels amazing." "You never say hi to me in the elevator." "I need the ottoman." "I sold it." "The fabric was..." "(Whispering) Drab." "I'm so sorry." "Well, who did you sell it to?" "I need the ottoman, Mrs. Yilmaz." "I'll pay over full market value." "I'm sorry, but my kids like to sit on it while they're playing the Xbox." "There's no "the," mom." "It's just "Xbox."" "You want a spanking, Kadir?" "Ugh." "(Telephone rings)" "Excuse me." "Of course." "We've been wasting our time dealing with the woman of the family." "(Lowered voice) What are you talking about?" "No!" "Don't." "Don't!" "Hey, papa." "Look who wandered into your frosty forest, ready to whisper wicked promises." "(Speaking foreign language) (Giggles)" "(Sighs) What are you doing?" "Going over your head and dealing with the patriarch of the family." "He's our neighbor." "He comes over to watch the weather channel." "Get out." "Get out!" "Okay, God." "I told you, get out." "Okay, look, yes, Chloe is screwed up, but, you know, she didn't start off that way." "She was a child once." "A normal human being before she got seduced by the dark side or whatever." "She got this ottoman at a time in her life when she could still care about something." "Don't take away the one connection that she has left to her humanity." "If you do, then... (Sighs) The crazy bitch might burn this place to the ground." "I like to watch the flames from across the street." "It reminds me of Christmas." "(Laughs) I'm serious." "(Laughs) Oh." "Oh, thank God." "You got it back." "June did." "She was kind of a genius." "Hey, all my stuff." "How did you get it back?" "I negotiated." "(Door creaks)" "Hey, lovely eyes." "How come you got such lovely eyes?" "(High-pitched whimper)" "Hey, so... it was really cool what you did back there." "You know, all the mean stuff I've done to you," "I really appreciate it." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "(Click)" "Wait." "What... what are you doing?" "(Creaks) Ahh." "Oh, good." "(Exhales deeply) Whew." "Yes." "I loaned her $1,000 to buy those." "Chinese energy tablets." "They make you extremely focused and super slutty. (Blows air)" "Wait." "So that... that whole story about your great-grandmother... that... that was a lie?" "Oh, no, that was true." "You can love grandma's ottoman and still wanna make money on pills." "I have paid for drugs." "You have made me an accomplice in drugs!" "I sell them and give the money to charity." "No, I don't really do that." "I can't believe you!" "You know what?" "You... you just stay the hell out of my life!" "Oh, come on." "It's not that big a deal." "June, don't... oh, my God." "Steven?" "June-bug!" "Oh, my God." "Steven." "Well, we kept missing each other, and, you know, your birthday's soon, so I thought I'd surprise you." "Can I have a snack?" "Breakthrough." "Um, make a note of that in Jeremy's Cravings journal." "(Pen clicks)" "Oh." "Who's this now?" "Oh." "Jeremy's traveling nurse, Nicole." "She's here to monitor him when I can't so that you and I can have some alone time." "(Giggles) Mwah!" "He talks about you all the time." "I'm just happy to be a part of his important work." "Oh. (Chuckles)" "I used my Miles to come here." "(Sighs)" "Is this your roommate?" "Oh!" "Oh, yes." "That was so rude of me." "How could I forget?" "Everyone, this is Chloe." "She's the bitch in apartment 23." "Anyone wanna get weird and play "Mario Kart"?" "(Electronic music playing, blooping on video game)" "Hey, Jeremy." "Where is everyone?" "June's at work, and Dr. Clayton and nurse Nicole are in a meeting." "Those two have a lot of meetings, don't they?" "Hey, you know what's fun?" "Alcohol." "Oh, yeah." "They're doing it." "They've been doing it for so long, and he's also doing nurse Simone, physical therapist Sheila, and the lady with the limp that sells car insurance." "(Hip-hop music playing)" "(Retches and vomits) (Splat)" "(Sighs)" "(Continues vomiting)" "♪" "(Whooshing)" "Hey." "(Door bells jingle)" "Oh, are you here to cause drama?" "(Door closes)" "I mean, do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get this job?" "Mark here had to pull some serious strings." "Oh, come on." "It was nothing." "I just fired someone for no reason so I could hire a friend." "No big deal." "I'm no hero." "Steven is sleeping with nurse Nicole." "Why would I believe anything you say?" "It's true, dude." "Jeremy told me." "I love Steven." "He would never cheat on me." "June, you're too trusting." "Yeah, I guess so." "I mean, I trusted you, and look where that got me." "Fine." "You know what?" "Forget it." "I was just trying to help." "(Door opens, door bells jingle)" "June." "Dawson." "Come here." "I know you're upset, but Chloe's actually trying to do the right thing." "Look, she may have the morals of a pirate, but she would do anything for her friends." "Like this one year, on my birthday," "I was in Vietnam, shooting an energy drink commercial." "She flew all my family and friends out, threw me this huge surprise party." "It was amazing." "Of course, she left me with the bill, took all my credit cards." "Don't be a blonde dude in a vietnamese jail, June." "That's the real life lesson here." "(Door opens, door bells jingle)" "(Siren wailing in distance)" "(Door creaks)" "(Door closes)" "Steven." "Chloe." "(Fast-forward chirping sound)" "Aah!" "Uhh!" "Uhh!" "(Fast-forward chirping sound)" "All right, uh, she seduced me, okay... just to prove to you that he's a cheater." "I can't..." "I'm not..." "What... what the hell is going on here?" "Ooh." "I knew you were cheating on her with me, but you' cheating on me with her?" "I thought I was your only mistress, you son of a bitch!" "Ask her about the girl that sells car insurance." "My... my sister?" "!" "(Exhales)" "Oh!" "Oh!" "God!" "Oh!" "Whoa!" "(Indistinct conversations)" "Hey." "Okay, listen, I knew that the only way you would believe Steven was a bad dude was to literally walk in on him in the worst possible scenario... having sex with your roommate on your birthday cake." "(Woman) ♪ all my breath ♪" "That is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." "♪" "How sad is that?" "It's pretty sad." "I mean, if you hadn't stepped in," "I probably wouldn't have found out for another ten years." "I'd be divorced with two kids, you know, hiding fast food wrappers in the waistband of my mom jeans." "I mean..." "You saved me from wasting the best years of my life." "Yeah, well, you know, it came at a price." "I got a lot of frosting in my crack." "Sorry." "I don't know why I brought that up." "I think that genuine emotion just sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable." "Bartender, kamikaze shots." "Thank you." "Happy Birthday?" "Yeah." "(Clink)" "Come on." "Let's go home." "♪ I'll stop the world and melt with you ♪" "Did we pay for those drinks?" "No." "Hard times." "Keep walking." "So did James actually shoot an energy drink commercial in Vietnam?" "Oh, yeah." "It's really good." "♪" "High energy surge machine!" "New cherry taste." "(Bell dings)" "Kapow!" "(Screeches)" "Van Der Beek like." "Dawson is the moon!"