"Good evening." "I'm from Essex, in case you couldn't tell." "My given name is Dickie," "I come from Billericay, and I'm doing very well!" "Tell him to shut that racket up!" "One, two, one..." "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "No, hold on, hold on." " Your timing's off, mate." " Well, you're out of tune." "This ain't jazz." "Learn to play drums and I'll learn to sing in tune." "Let's be nice, lads." "How can you tell if a stage is level?" "'Cause the drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!" " Yeah, very bleeding' funny." " Not as funny as this, mate." " You're fucking fired!" " What?" " Oh, not again!" " Oh, yes!" " Oh, I'll take the equipment, then." " All right." "Your body odour smells like a fucking orang-utan on heat." "You smell like your mother's cock and balls." "Two fucking cymbals, mate." " Come on, then." " Who wants him out?" "I've just given birth." "Any chance you could keep the noise down?" "Oh!" "It's a boy." "You are so clever." "I'll be in the kitchen, all right?" "Now look what you done." "We're all on our own now, son." "Now listen, you monkeys." "Stories are what we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better about ourselves." "So, never let the truth get in the way of a good story." "Once upon a time, in a mystical land far, far away, well, Southend-on-Sea, a young prince holidayed." "His name was Ian Dury." "He was handsome, healthy, highly intelligent." "And brilliant at swimming." "Oh!" "Look at me." "Weren't I a lovely little chap?" "But in the pool, evil lurked." "Its name was polio." "A water-borne contamination." "A virus, and when it gets into your system, you've had it." "Pay attention, chaps!" "The polio virus, a.k.a. The crippler." "It attacks the nervous system here, here and here." "Makes you bloody nervous 'cause it can bloody well kill you!" "It inflames the brainstem, fucks with the spinal cord, leading to paralysis and muscular wasting." "Lock up your children." "No one is safe!" "A monstrous epidemic." "Daddy!" "Bloody hell." "It's the Muppets!" "We are the band." "You've got to be joking?" "We was going to call ourselves Cripple, Nigger, Yid," "Chink and Dead Fish, but we didn't get any bookings." "Could you direct us to the artistes' dressing rooms?" "Oh, you are so gonna miss all of this." "When we've made our millions and we're playing Hammersmith Odeon..." "Why, don't they have three inches of piss in the dressing rooms?" "Nah, it's all shag pile carpets and extraordinary acoustics." "Oi." "Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp who set up a warehouse?" "Go on, my son!" "Yay!" "Is Dad coming?" "Hey, what do you call a man with paper trousers?" "Russell." "Hope you don't mind me saying so, Russell, but you are being a rather miserable old cunt." "What do you think we should spend our money on?" "I don't know." "Birthday presents?" "Birthday hats?" "Birthday cards?" "Hey, everyone!" "Let's give him the bumps!" "Let's give him the bumps!" "Well, I'd just like to say that you've been a monumentally atrocious audience tonight, apart from the faithful few at the front, it's the worst gig..." "Yes, a big hand for you lot." "It's the worst gig we've ever played since Sidcup Crematorium." "But we'd like to finish anyway with a song called Blackmail Man." " One!" "Two!" " One, two." "One, two, three, four!" "Three!" "Four!" "I wouldn't have booked 'em if I'd known." "What a load of shite." "Can't hold a tune." "Come on, Russell, get it right, you doughnut." " You're fucking shit!" "Get off!" " Fuck off!" "Russ!" "Where are you going?" "Russell, wait." "Wait!" "Call that singing?" "You're shit." "Fuck off!" "I'm more of an Emerson, Lake and Palmer man myself." "I thought you were fucking great." "Really?" "Great as in celebrated, illustrious, famous?" "Or great as in large, fat, bloated?" "Something you do to a nutmeg, perhaps?" "Great as in great!" "And I should know." "I saw Jimi Hendrix before anyone." " Really?" " Mmm-hmm." "Tell me." "Was Jimi... nice?" "Yeah." "He was extremely polite." "So, do you always wear those glasses?" "For your protection, my dear." "I am very, very good with women." "I used to live with me mum and her two sisters." "I like women so much," "I used to think I was a repressed homosexual." "But I'm not." "Fortuitously, I am gorgeous to look at." "Can I tickle your tonsils, please, miss?" " Maybe." " Mmm." "You have to be extremely polite." "Oi, sling your hook." "Just pay up what was agreed." "I didn't agree to a bunch of spazzers from the mental home." "You see, that's just not a very spiritual thing to say!" "Well, have a look at your drummer!" "What's the problem?" "He can't leave the stage at the interval." "So?" "Well, it don't happen to fuckin' Pink Floyd, does it?" "And as for Long John Silver..." "Oi, mate, you puttin' it on?" "You didn't limp like that on stage." "Oh, no." "On stage I try to hover." "Look, I'm sure we can come to some friendly agreement." "Yeah, we can agree you can't sing, you're past it and you look like a Potato Jesus." " No offence." " None taken, you fat-ankled fucker." "Fat ankles?" "I might be a fucking cripple, mate, but I'm dangerous, all right?" "You wanna sort out your inner calm." "Nice one, Davey, go on." "Go on, my son, get in there!" "Russell." "Russ, we need to talk about this." "There you are." "There's your millions." "Joke money, joke life." "It's over, mate." "We're going nowhere." "Russ, why you got to say things like that?" "I quit." "Nobody quits." "Quitting is not in the vocabulary." "Yeah?" "What about "Fuck you, Ian"?" "Is that in the vocabulary?" " What did you say?" " Nothing." "Go on, then." "Go on." "I don't fucking need you." "What do you mean?" "I write the music, I drive the van." "I carry you up the stairs when you're pissed." "I make the fucking sandwiches." "Can you drive?" "Yeah, see, she can drive." "And I bet she can make fucking sandwiches and all." "Russell, come on." "Look, we're talking, mate." "We're trying to talk!" "Russell!" "Right, you're fucking fired." "You are, you're fired." "You didn't quit, you were fired!" " Yes?" "Do I know you?" " No." "Well, do us a favour and fuck off, will you?" "Hey, Ian, you know that geezer's a keys player." " That's not very polite, is it?" " It's like being back at school." " Are you a groupie?" " No, musician." " What do you play?" " Oi." "Sorry about that." "Where you think you're going, you little monkey?" "That was out of order back there." "It's the drink, you know, so..." "It's like bad breath for the mind." "Someone said that you play keyboards." "Yeah." "I play a little piano and guitar." "Oh, wow." "Well, we don't have any little ones, only the big sort." " What's your name?" " Chaz." " Chaz." " Chaz Jankel." "Chaz Jankel?" "Very avant-garde." "Tell you what." "Why don't you come over tomorrow, hey?" "After all, you know what they say." ""The more interesting a man, the greyer his trousers."" "But they also say, "You're never alone with schizophrenia."" "So what the fuck do they know?" "But it's true, we are all on our own, aren't we?" "Oh, no, you're not!" " Oh, yes, I am!" " Oh, no, you're not!" "The young prince was." "He was gonna die." "Death was his bedfellow." "Some whispered, "Oh, it might be better after all." ""I mean, what sort of quality of life?"" "A cripple?" "A raspberry ripple?" "But in the morning, he was still there!" "You see, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!" "Magnificent!" "Trouble is, there's no cure for it." "Just like love." "There's no cure for that, neither." "Oi!" "Oi!" "Daddy's home!" "Your dad's here." "And now, then, let's see what the old clot has got." "For you, Jemima darling..." "Boing!" "And for you, my son..." "For your birthday." "Better late than never." "So powerful no man could stop him." "Rubbish." "Don't make me angry." "You won't like it when I'm angry!" "Dr Banner, you're changing!" "But with pain comes power!" "Hulk is strong!" "He doesn't need you turning up out of the blue bringing gifts." "He needs a father!" "He's got a father." "I'm his father." "He needs a father who's around!" "I'm around!" "I mean, well, I come around." "I was here when he was born, wasn't I?" "Just downstairs, I mean, not a lot of fathers can say that!" "Found a couple that survived." "There's only two left." "He's been missing school." "And stealing." "Well, that's all right." "All boys do that." "It's a boy thing, isn't it?" "A packet of fags, dirty magazine." "In fact, it's good." "A sign of intelligence." "Shows a sensitivity about the world." " And he's being bullied." " By who?" "I told him not to retaliate." "You don't wanna do that." "He wants to give 'em a bloody good smacking." "Yeah, well, that's why he needs to come and stay with you for a while." "No, no, no." "He needs you at the moment." "Look, I'm on the verge of something, things are happening." "I've been offered some work at the Academy." "Good." "One of us needs to earn and I can't do it stuck out here in the country." "I've always encouraged you, Ian." "Now it's your turn." " Is Dad gone?" " Left about an hour ago." "Looks all right." "Blimey!" "How many more steps?" "I'm not Sherpa bloody Tenzing." "It's Oval Mansions." "We get to live in a mansion together." "Catshit Mansions more like." "All right." "What colour for the walls?" "Would you say white?" "Nah, that's too institutional." " Blue, then?" " No, too constitutional." "It should be... claret." "Yeah." "Yeah, the colour of blood." "Passion." "And a sort of booze." " You up for it?" " Mmm-hmm." "I..." "I can do anything." "If you teach me." "What's wrong?" "We're going to have to switch places 'cause I'm struggling to undo your buttons here with my dodgy left hand." "Or you can do it, I don't mind." "Not too bad." "Have you done this before?" "Aw!" "What are you doing?" "This is Denise." " Hello, Denise." " That's Baxter." "Hello, Baxter." "Your door's unlocked." "Mum's putting the kettle on." "Nice." "Go on then, off you pop." "Thanks so much for this." "So kind." " Takes quite a lot to make a home." " Yeah." ""Home is the place, no matter what you've done, they have to let you in."" "That's what Ian says." " So you're a bass player?" " Bass player, sandwich-maker, personal manager." "Sole driver of a van full of nutters." "We're looking forward to having Baxter stay." "Any time you need help we're here." "Yeah, um..." "He's a little fussy, he doesn't like tomatoes," " fruit of any kind, potatoes..." " Like father like son, eh?" " How old are you, Denise?" " I'm almost 20." "Oh!" " I'm sorry about that." " It was always heavy for me, too." "Is that Elvis Presley?" "Don't they teach you any classical history at school these days?" "That's Gene Vincent." "Scramble-egged his leg in a bike accident." "Him and Eddie Cochran were the brightest stars in the firmament when they climbed into a cab outside the Savoy, April 16th, 1960." "Two hours later, they hit a hairpin bend." "Crash!" "Eddie Cochran is lying dying in his own blood." "And who hands Sweet Gene his guitar that night outside the hotel?" "A 14-year-old Marc Bolan, who marries Pink Floyd's management secretary, who signs me to Stiff Records." "Shake my hand." "You're only five steps away from greatness." " Stiff?" " Stiff, yeah." "Their motto is "If it ain't Stiff, it ain't worth a fuck!"" "How's school?" "Headmistress is a bit of a stuck-up old cow." "Oi, language, bit of respect." "Education's important." "Delacroix, French, Frenchman he was, painter, he said," ""Inspiration is getting to our studies at 9 a.m."" "Go on, hit it." "You know what I'm talking about, you barely said two words to the woman." " You can't treat people like that." " Don't give me that load of old bollock." "Bet and I have got a special relationship." "Exactly, she's your wife." "Yeah, based on love and trust and understanding." "What, and taking the piss?" "You were really fucking rude, Ian." "It was the past, all right?" "It's a separate existence." "Anyway, I asked you to marry me, you keep saying no." "This isn't a joke." "You've got children." "You are never gonna be separate." "Do you understand that?" "Excuse me, I'm trying to sleep." "Daddy!" "You all right, boy?" "Come on." "Boxers always touch themselves on the side of the face to remind them to keep their guard up." "That's it." "Move your feet, come on." "Move your feet, move about." "That's it." "Keep moving about." "You're too square on." "Move around the side." "Good, orthodox, lovely." "All them southpaws should be buried at birth." "Where are you going?" "That's it, stand up." "All right." "Now move about, on the balls of your feet if you can." "That's it." "Plenty of that." "Plenty of leg movement." "When you're ready, I want you to take a swing at me." "All right?" "Give me your best shot." "Come on." "All the best, mate, from your son." "Turtle!" "Turtle!" "Turtle!" "Turtle!" "What's all this?" "You have to get up on your own." "That's the rule here, isn't it, children?" "Yes, Mr Hargreaves." "I'm not staying here." "My daddy's coming to take me away." "Oh, your daddy, eh?" "Good for you." "Shape up." "You got to be brave, all right?" "No one's taking liberties with you, boy." "Give me your best shot, come on." "All right?" "No, you gotta stand on your own." "All right." "All right." "Well done, son." "You did good." "But no one out there is gonna help you." "Now that's seems harsh, I know, but you're born on your own, you die on your own." "And in between, you earn your own respect." "Never give up, never." "And never step into a dead man's shoes." "You know what that means?" "It means you gotta do it for yourself." "Being the underdog with nothing to lose is the best place to start." "I'm doing pretty good at the moment, you know." "Yeah?" "I got one or two proper deals on the go." "Money owed." "I got a nice penthouse in Old Victoria, I'm happy with me digs." "You should come and see me." "Would you like that?" "Would you?" "Yeah, I'd like that." "Dad?" "Dad?" " What time is it?" " Lunchtime." " Is that your mum?" " It's the school on the phone." "It's the headmistress." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "This is Baxter's headmistress." "Is that Mr Dury?" "Yes." "Mr Dury speaking." "Yes." "Are you aware that Baxter had school today?" " Mmm-hmm." " Do you understand?" "Yeah." "No, no, I do understand, yes." "Yeah, of course." "I'm sure I don't need to tell you how important it is..." "Yeah, no, I do understand, yes." "Yes." "Okey dokey, yes." "Well, it's all very well saying you understand, but this is your son's future we're talking about." "Mmm-hmm." " Your wife told me about..." " Mmm-hmm." "Well..." "And I want you to know that I'm not..." "You know what?" "He was right." "You are a bit of a stuck-up old cow." " I beg your pardon?" "How dare you?" " Tiddley poo, madam." "Snotty old maggot, she is." "Put on the kettle, will you?" "Ta." " Where's Denise?" " She's gone out." "You're gonna have to help me put me leg on, then." "Right, if you could..." "Come here." "Let me swing round, I'll put my arm round you." "After three." "One, two, three." "That's it." "See me new leg?" "Look at that." "Phwoar." "Been waiting for that for ages." "Beautiful." "You do that one, I'll do this one." "Get this underneath." "I'm still getting used to it myself, actually." "See what your old man has to go through every day?" "What a palaver." "Dear Jemima, I've been working with a man called Chaz." "If we do well, we will have disgusting ice cream." "If we don't, we will cry." "Boo-hoo!" "I can't wait for you to meet Denise." "You should come up and visit sometime." "Baxter's turning into a right little geezer." "Always keep a strong heart in case of sadness." "Love, your charming father," "Dad, Nebbish, Clot." "I'm going to disagree with Nigel." "The real shock here is the whole Sex Pistols swearing on television, Bill Grundy being sacked, it all turning into some sort of moral panic." "I mean, these boys are the future." "They're the voice of a young generation." "Fucking Sex Pistols." "Bollocks." "And he nicked my razorblade-earring idea and all, didn't he?" "Turn it off, Den, will you?" "I'm sorry, Nigel, I'm sorry." "If you get bitter, you have a strong heart." "Remember?" "Never let it be said that my failure went to me head." ""Swearing on the television" ""is not funny and not fucking clever!"" "Language." "First words my sister ever said were, "Fuck off, Dad."" "Must be inherited." "Does she sack drummers, too?" "Incredible Hulk doesn't swear, does he?" " He's got a moral compass." " That's right." "Moral compass?" "I'm an entertainer, not Christopher bleeding Columbus." "Oi, what do you think of that?" "Nah, that's too, uh, too romantic." "Here you go." "Is that all?" " It's been a slow week." " Ian?" "Uh, too satanic." "Oi, oi, what's wrong with that one?" " You're always giving me that one." " Yeah, and?" "We know all about that, Ian." "Oh, no, no, Chaz, Chaz, Chaz." "That, that is a riddle." "It's a love song." "It's a questioning." "It's a striving of the human soul." "It's just..." "It's called Sex, Drugs  Rock  Roll." "That's good." " Mmm-mmm, it's too obvious." " Tell him, Denny." "Look, it's a celebration." "It's..." "It's an anthem for all the outsiders, for all the uglies, for all the freaks, you know, who are slaving away every day in their shit shirts and their shit shoes, trying to fit in." ""Is that all there is to life?" They ask." "And then, lo and behold..." " Can you dance to that, Denny?" " Yeah, if you dance with me." "You nicked that." "God, everyone's a critic these days, aren't they?" "The immature artist plagiarises and the mature artist steals." "And I am about to grow up." "Sex, drugs and rock and roll." "Okay, how about..." "See?" "Blue's your colour, you know that?" "That's it." "That's it." "Yeah!" "Look at you all!" "Look, look." " You're magnificent!" " You are gonna be" " just like your dad." " No, no." " A proper little geezer." " No." " Baxter, come on." " Don't." "Baxter, stop fidgeting." "Stop it." " Don't be such a baby." " Get off." "Who did that?" "Boys." "Bigger boys." "They said I was posh." "Are we posh?" "No, we're arts and crafts." "That's what we are." "We're arts and crafts." "There." "That's handsome, isn't it?" "Baxter!" "There he is, here's my son." "These are all my friends." "Say hi to Baxter, everybody." "Big round of applause for my son." "Baxter Front, I like to call him." "Listen, we haven't tried this one before." "It's a little experimentation." "Oi, Chaz, let's start this up." "We'll go for the rock." "We'll have white face, black shirt, white socks." "One, two, three, four." "Just keep singing that last verse." "Keep singing!" "I hope you don't mind me saying, but you are being a bit of a right old moody." "We said we'd look after him, Ian." "Yeah, I know." "He's my son." " I've got him a driver and everything." " What, someone reliable?" "Yeah, yeah, of course." " Really?" " I mean, the man was a roadie with Led Zeppelin, for fuck's sake." "All right, Baxter?" "I've got a little surprise for you." "Ooh, speak of the devil, and he will appear." "Can you feel him slouching ever nearer?" "Ooh, has Santa Claus come early this year?" "No..." "It's the Sulphate Strangler!" " Watch it!" " Oh, shit!" "Oh, sorry." "Lovely." "You all right, Dad?" "I'm doing pretty good at the moment, you know." "You should come and see me." "Would you like that?" "Your mum told your dad to tell me to make sure you went in." "Now, go on." "I look like a prick." "Well, that went well, then." "Come on." " Did you?" " Don't shout at me!" "I'm not shouting." "Who's shouting?" "Did you or did you not try and sell my typewriter?" " How would you know?" " 'Cause it says in here," ""For sale, Ian Dury's fucking typewriter"!" "All right, I did it." " I admit it, all right?" " Hello?" "Ian, we need to work." "But you know what, Ian?" "No one fucking wanted it." "I am not your fucking pet, all right?" "I'm as hungry for this as you are." "Oh, boo." "The green-eyed monster's coming out, is it?" "The world doesn't revolve around you!" "Oh, I think you'll find it fucking does." " How was school?" " Okay." " Fuck you!" " Feeling left out, are you?" " Double fuck you." " Oh, fucking hell, that hurt." "Write some lines!" "I will show more respect!" "And I'm doing all this fucking work, all this work for the family, right?" "You and me." "You and me, it's for us." "Oh, God." "You fight like a bloke, Denny." "Oh, great." "Broke me new leg." "Can you help me take it off, please?" "Ian?" "Hello?" "Everything you do is for the family, is it, Ian?" " Yeah, yeah." " Right, that's fucking bollocks." "Everything you do is for you, on your terms." "And if the rest of us happen to fit along," " then that is a fucking bonus." " Is that what you think, is it?" " Yeah, that's what I think." " Yeah?" "Is that what you really think?" "'Cause if that's right, well, you better fuck off, then, because do you know what?" "I can't handle this." "I can't handle this." "I'm on a flow at the moment, right?" "I'm right in it." "I'm right inside it." "And you're getting right inside my brain, when I'm on one, and I won't have it, all right?" "So if you can't handle it, then fuck off." "You think you can do without me, do you, Ian?" " Yeah." " Really?" "Oi." "Can I have me leg back?" "Oi, don't leave me on the floor." "I'm a raspberry." "Nice throw." "Just easy." "Got it!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "We can rebuild him." "He just needs a bit of distance." "I'm either too close or not far enough away." "Denise, what..." "What happened to him happened a long time ago." "There's nothing we can do about it now." "Everyone has their weakness." "It's just that his weakness is so obvious he doesn't need to worry about it." "But what about me?" "What am I supposed to do?" "My weakness is loving him." "Dad's home." "I'm knocking 40." "I'm a bit of a shorty." "Little bit haughty, a bit nutty, a bit naughty..." "Enough with the rhyming couplets." "Look, I will pay front money for the room, proper wedge." "You can be the stern landlady, with the surgical stockings and the twinkle in her eye..." " This is serious." " I will be generally a domestic god for the duration." "I promise." "Please." "Oh, come on, Bet, just this once." "I've got work." "All right?" "Faster." "Cured." "Healthy." "Up, up, up!" "Sliders out first, then walkers." "All hands on!" "Come on!" "Come on, let's be having you." "Oi, get a move on." "Up, up, up!" "Oi, Dury, get on with it." "Shitter!" "Shitter, shitter, shitter!" " Faster." "Cured." " Shitter, shitter." "Shitter, shitter." " Faster." " Shitter, shitter." " Cured." " Shitter, shitter." " Shitter, shitter." " All right, all right!" "Get a move on!" "Where's your daddy now?" "Healthier." "Improving." "Greenness, cured." "Frustration, stagger." "Stun!" "Knock one down with a feather, clever..." "Clever Trevor." "See, the English language is a gloriously sophisticated smorgasbord of words and phrases." "Songwriting's really not that complicated." "It's all about the verbals." "I'll go first." "Cock." "Your turn." " Willy." " Dick." " Knob." " Love truncheon." " Dong." " Meat and two veg." "Um..." "Come on, keep them coming." " Rhythm stick." " Chopper." " Old man." " Pork sword." "One-eyed trouser snake." "Ah!" "Look at you all, look." "Bloody marvellous." "I love being in the warm bosoms of my family." "You know why?" "Because I love warm bosoms." "Dad..." "Come on, dinner's on the table." "Come on, then." "Touch me again and I'll punch your head in." "Kick your head in." "Kick your head in!" "Touch me again and I'll kick your fucking teeth so far down your Gregory Peck, you'll be able to eat out of your Khyber Pass!" " Fuck me, look who it is." " Fuck off!" "Dreary Dury, the Dancing Durex." " Don't get snotty on me, posh boy." " Leave me alone." "Yeah, walk away!" "Fuck off!" "Gonna get your Spazzy Joe dad to come and save you?" "'Cause guess what?" "We don't give a shit who he is." " Fucking spaz." " What's his name again?" " Captain Cripple the Raspberry Ripple!" " Fuck off." "Who the fuck do you think you are?" "You learnt some words, have you?" "Proper little villain." " All right, Bax?" " All right, Strang?" "You know you've got blood coming out of your nose?" ""Who awoke the sleeping tiger?" ""It was thee." ""The dormant devil did no harm," ""except to me." ""The writer sat, scratching his arse," ""wishing he wasn't middle class..."" "I've met someone else." "What, around here?" "You wanna be careful." "He's Welsh." "He does ceramics." "Oh, pottery sheep?" "We should think about getting a divorce." "No." "No." "It would be better for you, better for the kids, better for Denise." "That's far too logical." "No, Bet, that would be just like tossing everything away." " Don't do this, Ian." " I love you." "I know you love me." "But you don't need me." "There's someone else who needs me." "Hello." "Welcome home." " I missed you." " Oh, I missed you, too." "You have painted." "Mmm-hmm." "Freshen it up." "I thought it was looking a bit jaded." " You don't like it, do you?" " I didn't say that." "But you don't." "It's all very... white." "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "We got some great tunes." "Now all we need is a band with a drummer I can't sack." "Hit me!" " One, two!" " Three, four!" "Ian!" "Ian!" "Ian!" "Oh, this is it." "Just on the right." "Pull in here." "Oh, my life!" "God, it hasn't changed one little iota." "Right, then, Chris." "Let's get this done" " before we attract too much attention." " Okay, Ian." " Nice." " Oi!" "What are you doing?" " I'm bored." " Only boring people get bored." "Go on, off you go." "Baxter, I'm not gonna tell you again." "Couple of more poses." "Come on, Baxter, I'm working." "Hold it." "Hold it there." "Got it." "Go on, off you go, son." "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the jewel in the English crown," "Mr Ian Dury!" "One, two, three, four!" "Ian!" "Ian!" "Ian!" "Ian!" "Ian!" "See, people imagine people like me want all of that, to be popular and famous, but I don't." "I prefer being a lurker, 'cause I like being naughty." "Paul McCartney says when he gets recognised, he just walks brusquely away." "Well, if I walk brusquely away, I fall over and down I go a-tumble." "Did I say you could laugh?" " Touch me, Ian!" "Touch me!" " I ain't the fucking Pope, am I?" "Now you can laugh." "Ian!" "Ian!" "So, how's the new gaff?" "Is it keeping all you guys productive?" "Well, you've got to pace your life, lie fallow for stages, so that's what I'm doing." "Biding me time till I'm ready to pounce." "Bax?" "Bax?" "Don't you want to swim?" " You sure?" " Yeah." "You yourself, have you lost that common touch people said you had?" "Oh, well, that all depends on where I'm touching them, doesn't it?" "Well, is it possible to maintain a uniqueness, do you think?" "Well, we're all unique, aren't we?" "Eh?" "Yeah, but if you wish to package that uniqueness, well, then you take risks." "Don't we, Denise?" "Eh?" "Even with things in love?" "Love." "Mmm." "Well, there are people in this world who act purely out of love." "Whereas, me, I'm a wanker being interviewed by a cunt and I love it." "Am I making a bit of a kipper of meself, Denny?" "I think this little squirt wants to know how we're getting on." "Well, I'd like to be at home." "Oh, would you?" "Well, this is home." "No, this is rented for a small fortune, actually." "Oh, well, you know, we've gotta be here 'cause we've got to work, haven't we?" "It's industrial relations now." "No time for real relations." "Yeah, I'd noticed." "All right, goose?" "Amphetamines." "Speed, Billy Whizz," "Black Beauties, sulphate." "Righteous stuff." "Originally a nasal decongestant." "Used during the war." "It keeps you awake." "Basically, speed won the Battle of Britain." "They were flying very high, those boys." "Literally." " That's a lot." " Don't want to withdraw." "Here you go." "Go on, son." "Give it here." "Your lives are to be spared." "The terrible penalty of crucifixion has been set aside..." " What's this?" " ...on the single condition that you identify the body or the living person of the slave called Spartacus." " I'm Spartacus!" " I'm Spartacus!" "Ow!" " You spilled me nuts." " Oh, sorry." "Don't look for it now." " I'm Spartacus!" " I'm Spartacus!" "We should work." "Kirk Douglas is just about to get crucified." "Yeah, I know, but I've just written a brilliant riff, right?" " I promise you, it's a brilliant..." " Just relax, will you?" "You doughnut." "Ian, listen, it's fantastic." "We should go and work on it." "What are you?" "Some kind of mad nutty professor?" "Will you shut up?" "I'm trying to watch a movie." " Chaz, you're standing in my way." " I've got to get the guitar." "Will you get me some more nuts?" "Actually, can you get me some olives as well?" "Stoned." "Take a month." "Come on, Baxter, what's wrong with you?" " Scared of a bit of water?" " Leave him alone, Ian." " Just jump in, it's the only way." " No, I don't wanna." " Look, he doesn't want to, Ian." " Go on, I dare you." " It's bloody freezing." " Go on." " Let him off." "Go on, Bax." " No, no." "70% of the world is covered in water." "It's a very dangerous place." " Go on, Bax." "Go on." " Where are you going?" " Oi!" " Why don't you jump in?" "Actually, I was a brilliant swimmer." "Don't you think how lucky we are?" "Very big house and a pool and a record at number one in the hit parade." " Don't that make you happy?" " You need sleep, Ian." "Yeah, plenty of time for sleeping when you're dead." "The last chicken in the shop, the juicy golden goosey" "and I am cooked." "Turn your fucking mike down!" "I can't hear myself think." " Oh, come on, man." " I already told you once." "Get him off me, I'll fucking kill him!" "You're fucking up everything!" "Oh, yeah?" "Forget it!" "Rudolph smells" "Happy Christmas!" "I'm... the husband." "So, where'd you get your black eye from?" "Well, it's funny you should say that, actually, because..." " Sorry, what's your name again?" " Clive." "Anyway, so we were at this posh restaurant..." "Where were we, Strang?" " Oh, Caprice." " Caprice." "Fucking I look over, right?" "And I say," ""Look, it's Omar fucking Sharif." "It is!"" "So I go all the way over." "And I go over and I says to him," ""Your first film was great and the rest were shit."" "And he said, "I don't give a fuck what you think."" "And I said, "Oh, you're a cunt."" "And he said, "Fucking come on, then"" "and then he fucking smacked me right in the face." "I mean, talk about overreacting." "Fucking nice fighter." "That's the most expensive fist you'll ever have in your mouth." "Do you want stuffing with that?" "Ooh." "Not too much for me, darling." "That's too much." "Thanks." ""Home improvement expert" ""Harold Hill of Harold Hill" ""Came home to find another gentleman's kippers in his grill" ""So he sanded the geezer's winkle off with a Black  Decker drill."" "You're all right, Clive." "You know that?" "Merry Christmas." "Go on, finish now." "Get on with the fucking thing." "Something wrong with you, man?" ""Stand up, sit down."" " I can't keep up with you." " Oh, whinge, whinge, whinge." "I'm gonna be keeping my eyes on you." "Come out of my face with that thing, man." "And my name is Desmond, not Sparky." "Desi." "Desiré." "Desiré..." " Desmond." " All right, Desiré." "Like your shirt, by the way." "I used to have one like that in the 1970s, you know." "Oi, come on, give us a smile." "What's wrong with that?" "Come inside and close the blood claat door, man." "Fucking Strang, Strang." "Now we get on with the show." "Right." "Time is money." "Money is time." "This is expensive equipment." "Can we do this?" "Come on, then." "I can't be dealing with this thing, man." "What was wrong with that?" "That was perfect." "Do it again." "Do it again." "Sorry." "Sorry, guys." "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." "Please forgive me." "Please, please, please." "All right." "They've got no fucking sense of humour, that lot, I tell you." " Try pitching it up a little bit." " What?" "Pitch it." "Pitch it." "Listen to the white boy and add pitch." " Pitching?" "They want pitching." " Okay, we're gonna do one more." " Fuck 'em." " This is ridiculous, man." "It sound like a bad version of Barry White." " What the fuck did he just say?" " You better..." "Chaz." "What did he say?" "All right." "One more time." "Just..." "Just cool the fuck down, man." "Get me up!" "Get me fucking up." "You cunt!" "Look at my drums!" "Look at my drums!" "You don't touch one of my instruments, you..." "That's it." " Get out of my studio." " Look, look." "Look." "See, I've got egg all over my fucking face and I'm all right." "Jesus." "I'll kill you!" " Just calm down." " Fuck off, mate." " You is a dead man." " Where's my fucking manager?" "You're a dead man." "You're a dead man." " Here are your eggs." " You're a dead man." "The only thing a manager is good for is doing up your fly after a good fucking wank." "Barry White." "I'll give you Barry fucking White, you cunt." "...never try to teach a pig to sing because it wastes time and it annoys the pig!" "Police brutality!" "I'm sorry." "I know." "We all want to escape ourselves." "Best to learn your place." "Accept your cripplage." "Denny." "It's good to see you." "I think I need a bit of saving." "Where you been?" "Coming and going." " Oi, oi." " Oi, oi." "Ian, I, um..." " I need some time off." " Yeah, don't we all?" "Yeah, I need to, um, get away and do my own stuff." "Don't be a doughnut." "There's plenty of time for all that" " when you've had a proper shave." " I'm serious." " Is there a boozer round here?" " Yeah, round the corner." "The Feathers." "So, Baxter." "I understand you've found it difficult to fit in at other schools." "Well, our motto here is ex corde vita." "Out of the heart springs life." "Baxter." "Baxter." "Tell me, what would you like to achieve here?" "What would you like to do?" "Hmm?" "Baxter?" "I'll tell you what." "I'll leave you alone for a moment, just to have a little think." "Come on, Baxter." "That's it." "Come on, sit up straight." "It's all right." "It's okay." "Big, deep breaths." "Big, deep breaths." "That's a good boy." "Come on, you can do it." "Fatten your lungs up." "In and out." "In and out." "In and out." "In and out." "That's it." "That's it." "I'm sorry." " You're always saying you're sorry." " Am I?" "Yeah." "Well, that's 'cause..." "Well, that's 'cause I am." "Okay." "You don't want to be like me, Baxter." "Please don't try and be like me." "You want to be like you." "We're all on our own, remember?" "No, Dad." "I'm here." "What's been going on?" "Just the same, you know." "How are you?" "Sometimes it doesn't work out, okay?" "Sometimes you have to save yourself." "Did you have a nice time, Bax?" "How's your dad?" ""I'm fine, Mummy." "Thanks for asking."" "Mum?" "Mum?" "Mum!" "Christ almighty." "Language." "You look terrible." "Thanks." "Grapes." " I blame myself." " For the grapes?" "I've not been particularly full of the joie de vivre." "All the colours have gone." "Wanted the world to go away, too." "It almost did." "Count the blessings in the here and now, eh?" "Tired, Ian." "Will you stay?" "Of course I will." " Okay, everyone." "So this is Ian." " Hello." "Ian used to be a student here a few years back." "And everyone's very excited about you being here, aren't we?" "Well, thank you very much." "It's nice to be here." "Ian, I think you said it's okay if people ask you questions." "Yeah, go on, pile them in." "Don't all rush at once." " Okay, so..." " Who'll go first?" "Finished?" "Is that it?" "Right." "Well, I'm off, then." "Oh, I don't know why they got so quiet now." "They were really noisy before." "Oh, yeah." "Cortez, you wanted to talk to Ian, didn't you?" " Hello." " He says hello." "Oh, hello, mate." "Hello." "How you going?" "You all right?" "What you been up to?" "Did you always want to be a singer?" " Did you always want to be a..." " Singer." "Well, I don't really think of myself as a singer, as it happens, I think of myself as more of an entertainer, really." "You know, I always wanted to get up on a stage." "Give it all that, you know." "I don't know how much longer I can get away with it, really, 'cause I'm a bit of an old chap." "Anybody else?" " Do you believe in God?" " What's that?" "Do you believe in almighty God who created us in His image?" "I believe in good, which I think is the same thing." "But do you believe in God?" "Up in heaven?" "Oh, I used to, but, erm..." " But not any more." " Why not?" "Because I think that down here on Earth, I think that's... that's where you got to get your nut together." " Typical." " Did you just say "typical"?" "He's a cheeky little bugger, isn't he?" "You're gonna help me write a song, okay?" "You're going to help me with the rhythm, right?" "Now, rhythm." "Who's tricky with rhythm?" "Eh?" "Right." "Rhythm, I'll have you know, is the longest word in the English dictionary without any vowels in it, right?" "It's very, very special because you can feel it right here." "I'm gonna give you a rhythm, all right?" "One, two, three, four." "One, two, three, four." "Wait for it." "One, two, three, four." "One, two, three, four." "One, two, three..." "All right, louder." "Everybody louder." "Louder!" "Louder!" "Go crazy!" "Go crazy with it!" "Come on." "Louder!" "I think that went really well." "Thank you so much." "I had a fight with a guy called Jimmy Coghill behind that tree." "Did you really?" "Did you win?" "No, he knocked seven tons of shit out of me." "There was an orderly here by the name of Hargreaves." "Is he still going?" "I'm sorry, Ian." "It was a while ago, but Mr Hargreaves took his own life." "He hanged himself up in one of the attics." "Yeah, it's very sad." "That has made my day, that has." " See you." " Yeah, thanks again." "I don't know who you are any more." "But you know what I really can't take?" "It's the hope." "The hope that it's gonna get better." "It's not, is it?" "Everything's out of joint." "I don't really know if I've got the bollocks to stop it." "You've got to get out of here, Denny." "Run away." "And you got to do it all by yourself." "You'll still be my gracious, my family." "And if you ever forget that, act sorry for yourself," "I'll come back and I'll bleeding' well haunt you." "You understand?" "Hello, it's Graham, from the Spastics Society." "We spoke on the phone." ""Full participation and equality for all." That's the motto." "This United Nations Year of the Disabled is a tremendous opportunity, you know, to make people really sit up and think." "Of course, we're going to need all the help we can get, so..." "Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could get back on top again?" "Maybe you get a new song, maybe another hit single." "Who knows?" " The UN are very keen." " Are they?" "I understand you've been dabbling in a spot of acting." "Oh, yeah, I've played a few villains in me time." "Typecast." "Well, here's an opportunity to introduce yourself all over again." "You know, a new fan base, new beginnings." "Oh, dear." "Your friend seems to have gone." "Well, look, you seem to be in a spot of trouble." "May I give you a lift?" "Yeah." "That'd be great." "It's really..." "It's really great to have you back." "The prodigal son returns." "To be a geezer like me, you got to be a bit of a selfish loony, really." "Can't bother too much about day and night and right and wrong and so forth." "And occasionally one's behaviour makes one ashamed of oneself." "Well, I'm glad to hear it." "Anyway, this Year of the Disabled..." "Got a chance now to get back on top." "Proper deals going down, so..." "So, what have you got?" "Well, it's not Sex, Drugs  Rock  Roll, is it?" "Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks." "Fucking Year of Disabled." "I mean, it's like, what?" "Like, last year we was fine and next year is going to be great, but this year, just this year, oh, we're all gonna be a right bunch of fucking cripples, aren't we, eh?" "Why don't we just form a band?" "I know, I know, we can call ourselves Spastic and the Autistics." "Oi, oi!" "You dribbling', wibblin', scribbling', crippling' little fucking hobbling', wobbling', bobblin' fantastic spastic!" "I like it." "And welcome back." "Well, we all like a bit of jazz, don't we?" "And so, turning to our next item and that's the continuing controversy surrounding the United Nations Year of the Disabled." "We're going to hear from Ian Drury, the housewife's favourite punk rocker, the man who put the phrase "sex  drugs  rock  roll"" "into the English language, and whose new song Spasticus Autisticus has been labelled outrageous and offensive." "We also have with us Graham Hart from the Spastics Society to talk about full participation in the Year of the Disabled." " Hello, there." " So, turning to you first, Ian Drury..." "First of all, it's not Drury or Dreary or Doory, it's Dury." "But I would like to say that, yeah, I think we should all fully participate in holding Graham down and chopping off his tiny little bollocks" " for being a spineless little shit." " Right, Ian, thank you." "I don't think this is the time or the place." "No, it's not the time or the place." "You're right." "It never is, is it?" "I'm terribly sorry." "Will you excuse me, please?" " Bandit!" " No, nobody has banned anything." "No, you." "You're a bandit." "You're a chiseller." "Well, they don't ban cripples, either, do they, eh?" "They just make it difficult for them to function." "The song is still being played on current affairs programmes." "Great!" "Yeah, that's great!" "Late at night when all the raspberries are tucked up in bed, oh, not doing any harm to anybody." "Yes, well, it was found offensive." "How could I go up to somebody, right, who's got the same disabilities as me and be offensive?" "No, not disabled people so much, no." "Well, it wasn't written for you, was it?" "Eh?" "The walkie-talkies!" "It's a war cry type of item, like "Spartacus!"" "Yes, well, if I remember correctly, Spartacus was crucified." "Yeah, I'll be in good company, then, won't I?" "Look, it was felt that what you've written just isn't very sympathetic." "Sympathetic?" "Life ain't sympathetic, right?" "I'm not Tiny Tim." "I am Ian Dury." "People like me do not want sympathy." "They want respect." "It's a waste." "Okay?" "People felt you had the opportunity to do something remarkable." "Your crowning glory, to be remembered after you've long gone." "I do not give a shit." "I don't care if I'm as popular as a Chinese pig in a synagogue." "I am not here to be remembered, I'm here to be alive!" "So you take your Dis-United Nations, right, and your Year of Dissembling and stick it right up your fucking 'arris." "Cunt." "Keep your body strong, keep your guard up." "Ian, I need a rest." "Ow." "Clive and I want to be together." "We don't wanna rush into that." "Look what happened last time." "Some blokes turn out to be an absolute nightmare." "I want a divorce, Ian." "I still love you." "It's not about love, silly." "It's not your choice." "Let me go." "Go on, you're fired." "Darling." "Getting better." "You're not gonna shout at me again, are you?" "You actually been in yet?" "Oh, easy, tiger." " How's Mum?" " She's fine." "She's gonna be fine." "Look, it's done." "We had to let Strangler go, 'cause, well, the dramas backstage were getting better than the actual show." "Son, I'm sorry." "Close your eyes." "Go on." "Go on." "Close your eyes." "Can you feel that?" "Well, that's my hand." "From now until forever, I will always be there." "Just above your shoulder." "All right?" "I'll tell you what, though." "I've just been offered a part in a film." "To play an undernourished villain who wins in the end through love." "You could come with." "Be my assistant." "If you like." " Don't you wanna watch me swim?" " Nah." "You'll be all right." "Just remember, keep your head up, keep kicking, try not to drown." ""When a free man dies, he loses the pleasure of life." ""A slave loses his pain." ""Death is the only freedom a slave knows." ""That's why he's not afraid of it." ""That's why we'll win..."" "Sit properly." " Eat your fish." " No!" "It's horrible." "What did you say?" "You do as you're told." "I said, I ain't eating that, it's fucking horrible!" "One, two, three..." " I'm Spasticus!" " I'm Spasticus!" " Dad!" " I'm Spasticus!" "I'm Spasticus!" "I'm Spasticus!" "Ian!" "Ian!" "Ian!" "And the moral of the story is don't go looking for morals in stories." "If you want a message, fuck off down the post office." "Someone once asked me if I'd missed anything." "Well..." "If I'd never had a good-looking girl, a great job, great haircut, then I could complain, but the only thing I've ever missed is a few buses." "One last time, Chazanova." "Now, there are a couple of ways to avoid death." "And one of them is to be magnificent." "And this is my favourite way." "Johnny!" "Oi, oi." "Oi." "Oi." "Oi." "Oi." "Oi." "Oi." "Now, fuck off all of you." "You're fired!" "And go and be magnificent!"