"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "Gin." "Sophia, we're playing hearts." "I know." "I felt like drinking some." "If I'm gonna get through a boring Saturday night with you two," "I'll need a buzz." "Ma, why are you so cranky?" "I had plans with Mildred tonight." "She waited until the last minute to call and cancel it." "The woman had a heart attack." "It wasn't massive." "Girls, does this look OK?" "Oh, fine." "A little overdressed for a quiet evening at home." "Oh, Blanche, didn't you hear?" "Rose has a date." "A date?" "Yes." "I met him briefly at the counseling center and he asked me out to dinner." "Well, Rose has a date and I don't." "What are the odds of something like this happening?" "There's probably a better chance of getting struck by lightning in a house you won from Ed McMahon." "Blanche, I'm sure it's a fluke that nobody called you for a date." "They must have painted the men's room walls at the Pizza Hut." "Well, there must be something wrong with Rose's date." "There has to be." "I bet he's an airhead, or a mutant, or an insurance salesman." "Oh, that's it." "Well, Rose, you and your geek have fun." "And you said she wouldn't take it well, Dorothy." "Oh!" "Sophia, I forgot to give you this letter." "Oh, from Sicily." "A gift from Cousin Vito." "A feather." "That's a message of some kind, isn't it?" "What are you babbling about?" "Don't play dumb, with me, Ma." "Everything from Sicily means something." "A black rose means a family member is dying." "A white carnation means a newborn is on the way." "A dead rabbit means, "My husband knows." "Get out of town."" "Knows what?" "The score to South Pacific, Rose." "Relax, Dorothy." "Maybe Vito just wants a handmade pillow for Christmas." "It means nothing." "Who cares?" "(doorbell) Argh!" "Sorry." "I was just so excited about this lovely gift." "Hi, Ernie." "Hi, Rose." "Ernie, I want you to meet my friends." "This is Dorothy and Blanche and Sophia." "Pleasure." "Everyone, this is Ernie Faber." "I'm sorry I'm late, Rose." "I got tied up in court." "What are you charged with?" "Nothing." "I'm a corporate attorney." "Damn!" "So, tell us, Ernie, have you ever been married?" "I'm divorced." "Oh." "Was the breakup caused by your drinking problem?" "I don't have a drinking problem." "Were you cheating on your wife?" "What is this?" "A Barbara Walters Special?" "I guess the two of you want to get going." "It was a pleasure meeting you all." "Good night, now." "(Dorothy) Have fun." "Bye-bye." "Well, he's perfect." "He's absolutely perfect." "I cannot believe a man like that would be interested in Rose." "Well, I guess he's not perfect after all." "That's right, Dorothy." "Thank you." "I feel so much better." "We're living with Robin Givens." "Morning, Ma." "OK." "Good morning." "Ma, what is going on?" "Ever since you got that feather in the mail, you've been acting like a spy." "I'm surprised you didn't check to see if someone was hiding out in the broom closet." "Broom closet, right." "This is ridiculous." "Dorothy, she's right." "I know for a fact that two people can fit into the broom closet with room left over for a medium-sized cold-cut platter." "Now, what's going on, Ma?" "OK." "I hoped I could spare you this, Dorothy, but it's best you know what's going on." "It's about Sonny Venuchio... as in the famous Venuchio vendetta." "I never heard of that." "Who asked you?" "This is a speech, not a quiz." "It began when your great-grandfather, Nicodemo, was run down by Marco Venuchio's milk wagon." "He ran him down in cold blood?" "Very cold." "Grandpa was already dead." "Unfortunately, there was a gravediggers' strike, so the family was using him as a temporary scarecrow." "The high winds tipped him over and Marco used him as a speed bump." "But, Sophia, if it wasn't Marco's fault" "It doesn't have to be his fault." "It's a vendetta, not The People's Court." "Anyway, there's only one Venuchio alive today." "Sonny." "That feather from Vito meant he's somewhere down here in Miami, so now it's up to me to take care of him." "Oh, Ma." "Do you really expect us to believe that you're gonna go through with this?" "Believe what you want." "Sicilians take these things very seriously." "You know what might happen if I didn't do my duty?" "What?" "Free swimming lessons with a cement kickboard." "Hi, girls." "Rose, honey, is something wrong?" "No." "I'm just a little depressed." "Oh, come on now, Rose." "If there's something wrong, you can tell us." "Is it about Ernie?" "He's lousy in bed." "I knew it!" "I knew there was something wrong with him." "No, he's not lousy." "Well, I don't think he is." "Well, either he is or he isn't." "Well, I'm sure he's not." "Of course, I have no proof that he's not, but still, he's not." "I think." "I don't get it." "Neither does Rose." "You mean you've been seeing him for over a month and you two haven't done it?" "He hasn't made one move." "There was the time we were out to dinner and I thought he was coming on a little strong all of a sudden, but it turned out he was looking for his napkin under the table." "What have you all been doing all this time?" "How long can you make conversation?" "Blanche, there is more to conversation than just:" ""Can I have a hanger for my pants, please?"" "Oh, Ernie's not like that." "He's very special." "He's not the type of man who wants to hop into bed after just one date." "And this is one of his attributes?" "Yes." "I love it." "In fact, I think I love him." "Oh, honey." "Rose, that's wonderful." "But I still can't understand why he hasn't even approached the subject of... you know... sex." "I mean, not that I'm in a hurry or anything but we have been dating a while now." "Honey, sometimes you have to stoke a man's fire a little bit." "Words of wisdom from the human torch." "Listen." "Rose, if he really means that much to you, and he feels the same way, things will happen naturally." "Yeah, but if you don't want to wait, there are other avenues you can take." "There are just dozens of ways to seduce a man, hundreds, maybe even thousands." "I think that you should forget the ones that involve swinging naked from a doorframe." "You need to get him in a romantic situation, Rose." "Why don't you ask him to take you away for the weekend?" "I think we should probably try holding hands first." "Blanche has a point... finally." "If he doesn't want to go away with you, then you'll know how he feels." "(doorbell) I'll get that." "That's probably Ernie." "Oh, I can't do it." "I can't ask him to go away with me." "I've never learned how to be aggressive." "Honey, it's as easy as riding a bicycle." "I never learned how to ride a bicycle." "It's as easy as falling off a bicycle." "Really?" "Well, that is easy." "Thanks, Dorothy." "It was just a hunch." "Hi, Ernie." "Oh, Rose." "I'm really sorry." "I'm on my way to the office." "There's a small emergency." "Do you mind if we postpone our date?" "I was gonna ask you" "I'd like to make this up to you." "I've been thinking..." "How about we go away this weekend?" "I know it's sudden, but I'd really like to take you somewhere special." "What do you say?" "Well..." "Yes." "That sounds wonderful." "That's great." "I'll call you later, Rose." "Looks like everything worked out after all." "Were you three listening to our conversation?" "Absolutely not." "You know we would never eavesdrop." "They made me do it." "When I turn my hearing aid up to ten," "I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale." "Oh, Rose, I'm having a wonderful time." "You're a lot of fun to be with." "Oh, I'm having a good time too." "I don't think I've had this much fun since I was a little girl back in St. Olaf." "I remember once when I was about ten..." "You were about to tell a story." "Why did you stop?" "Well, this is usually when Dorothy and Blanche interrupt me." "Anyway," "I'd always go to the movies every Saturday afternoon with all my friends." "Oh, we'd have a ball." "The only problem was that our town theater was designed for silent movies." "They never put in a sound system?" "No." "Luckily, our schoolteacher, Miss Sigerson, was an expert lipreader." "She'd do all the dialogue." "There were some problems sometimes." "Through most of Citizen Kane, we all thought everybody was looking for a rowboat." "Rose... there's something I have to tell you." "Something I should have told you from the start." "What, Ernie?" "What's wrong?" "I was sort of hoping this weekend, this romantic setting, might help... but it hasn't." "I was hoping that it might help me get over my... problem." "What problem?" "It's not easy for a man to say, Rose." "I'm impotent." "I see." "Well, in that case, why don't we see what's playing at the movies?" "Yeah." "Is this the Venuchio residence?" "It is?" "Is Sonny Venuchio there?" "He is?" "Sorry, wrong number." "Sophia, does this still have to do with that vendetta business?" "Blanche, don't even discuss it with her." "The whole thing is ridiculous." "Dorothy, this vendetta is a very real thing." "It goes to the root of my soul as a Sicilian.." "If you don' wanna acknowledge it, that's your business." "Fine, Ma." "But I need a ride later." "I wanna go to confession." "They go easy on you if it's still just an impure thought." "Well, well, you got in pretty late last night." "I know." "So, tell us all about the big weekend." "And don't leave out a thing." "I want you to start with the sweet nothings he whispered in your ear." "Well, OK." "First, he said that I was a very attractive woman." "(both) Yeah." "And then he said I was fun to be with." "(both) Yeah." "And then he said he was impotent." "(both) Urgh!" "Impotent?" "Are you sure?" "Oh, Blanche, what would you have done?" "Asked him to prove it?" "I can't talk about this." "Of course you can." "Rose, We're your friends." "We're here to listen." "I mean, we've all spoken at one time or another about a sexual problem." "Not me." "It's not your fault, and it's not Ernie's." "I mean, we've all been with a man who couldn't perform." "Not me." "I just feel so..." "so undesirable." "Oh, honey, we all have at some point." "I know, Blanche, not you." "I remember when Stanley and I were going through this." "We tried everything." "Relaxation techniques, hypnosis..." "I fed the man so many oysters, when he passed a kidney stone, I had it appraised." "It was two years before he found a cure." "What was it?" "A blonde stewardess with a butt that would have made Gandhi throw in the towel." "So, Rose, are you gonna stop seeing Ernie?" "No, of course not." "Rose, how about you and Ernie seeing a sex therapist?" "I suppose I could talk to Ernie." "Maybe we could make an appointment." "Well, sex therapy is one solution, but there are other ways." "Oh, Blanche, dessert toppings are not the answer." "I was talking about patience." "Rose, just tell Ernie that sex is not the most important part of a relationship." "Just ask anybody married to an Englishman." "I'm gonna call Ernie right now." "I think we have a lot to talk about." "OK, Dorothy." "I'm going for a walk." "If I don't come back, it's up to you to take care of Sonny Venuchio." "His address is on the table." "Ma, that's it." "Now, I want you to look at me and tell me this vendetta business is all a joke." "This vendetta business is all a joke." "(phone rings)" "Now I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you're not lying." "I'm not lying." "Sophia, it's for you." "He says his name is Tony the Hook." "Tell him I'll call him back." "What are you looking at?" "He's my butcher." "Yeah, that's it." "My butcher." "How's your soufflé, Rose?" "Delicious." "I never did get the hang of making these." "There is nothing more frustrating than waiting for one of these suckers to rise and it just won't." "That's no reflection on you, Ernie." "I know why you called me, Rose." "I know why you wanted to have dinner." "You do?" "You wanted to tell me that maybe we should stop seeing each other." "Ernie, that's not true." "Come on, Rose." "I mean, after all, you can't be happy with the way things are." "I mean, you're a healthy, active, sexy woman." "Well, I'm also a patient woman, Ernie." "I mean, really." "I'm probably the most patient person you know." "Go ahead." "Try to think of somebody else." "I'll wait." "Tell me honestly." "You don't think there's something lacking in this relationship?" "No." "I think you're a kind, generous, caring man." "As far as the physical side goes, we'll just take things slow." "And if it turns out that we can't be anything more than just good friends, well, that's good enough for me." "I'm a lucky man to have found someone like you." "I feel the same way." "If you ask me, people rely too much on sex in relationships, anyway." "You're right." "I mean, what is sex, after all?" "Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other." "Like animals." "You get all sweaty and flushed." "Your hair gets mussed." "You lose your breath." "You lose your earrings." "Your mouth waters." "Your nose runs." "Your heart races." "Your blood races." "Rose..." "Say it, Ernie." "It's time, Rose." "Check, please!" "Blanche, look at this picture." "A man's body was washed ashore on the beach last night." "Oh, how horrible." "And look at this." "It says:" ""A tan bamboo purse was found at the scene."" "Do you know what that means?" "The man was murdered on his way to a Peter Allen concert?" "No." "It makes me think about Ma and that ridiculous vendetta." "I mean, if I didn't know Ma, I might actually consider..." "Anybody seen my purse?" "Oh, God." "Ma, how could you do this?" "Relax." "I probably left it at Sonny's place." "Of course you did, right next to his body." "How did you know?" "Ma!" "It's all over the front page of today's paper." "Oh." "That's not Sonny." "That's a dead guy." "Of course he is, if you carried out that vendetta." "What are you talking about?" "This was an '80s vendetta." "It was all symbolic." "You find the guy, drop a fish on his doorstep, boom, you wash your hands of the whole thing." "Ma, wait a minute." "If that's all you did, how come your purse is still over there?" "Oh, well, maybe I did leave one thing out." "While I was giving Sonny the evil eye," "I noticed he was kinda cute." "So, I decided to work in a little kiss of death too." "Well, that livened him up, and we spent a very pleasant afternoon." "(Blanche) Oh!" "Ma, you are incredible." "Those were Sonny's words exactly." "Good morning." "Well, good morning." "Rose Nylund, you little devil." "Just look at you." "What?" "Don't you get coy with me." "I can tell." "The rosy cheeks, the bright smile, the distant, not-quite-there expression." "She looks that way every day." "What's your point?" "(sings) Rose has been with a man." "So what if I was with Ernie?" "With Ernie?" "Oh, oh, isn't that wonderful?" "Oh, honey, congratulations!" "I'm so happy for you." "Calm down, Blanche." "It was a roll in the hay, not a walk on the moon." "Oh, Ernie's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time." "I don't think I've been this happy with a man since Charlie." "I have to get ready." "We're going on a picnic today." "Oh, I don't believe this." "Hey, she didn't even tell us how it happened." "Same way it happened the last time you did it." "Of course, hairstyles may have changed since then." "I had a marvelous time tonight, Ernie." "So did I, Rose." "Rose, there's something very important I want to say to you." "OK." "I want you to know how much I appreciate all you've done." "After my marriage fell apart, I stopped being able to perform like a man should." "No, it's because of your warmth and understanding that I got through this." "I never thought I'd find happiness ever again." "Some marriages don't work out, but some do." "You're right, Rose." "And that's why I think that I can still patch things up with her." "What?" "My wife never remarried after the divorce, and I never stopped loving her, Rose." "I see." "I have to give this a shot." "I really think I can make things work." "I hope you can, Ernie." "I know this is sudden, but it's something I really need to try." "Oh, I understand." "Really, I do." "I'll never forget what you've done for me." "It's all over." "We know." "We heard." "Now, honey, don't you be depressed." "What you did was wonderful." "And it's all because you're such a kind and sensitive and caring person." "You gave him back his manhood." "If he can find it, he can have it." "He's probably the worst lover I've ever had." "I'll get the ice cream." "I'll get the cheesecake." "I'll get the Etch A Sketch." "At my age, I need a visual aid."