"We're on in two minutes!" "I was busy preparing your schedule for tomorrow." "Lunch with the manager, flowers for your sister-in-law in the hospital." "Oh, yes." "Maris' facelift." " I didn't know she needed one." " She doesn't." "All she needs is a little sun, some exercise and a personality." " What are those?" " Copies of your schedule." "Why are you running to the Xerox room for copies of my schedule?" " Is it because of that new intern?" " Eli." " He's probably all of 19!" " That's legal." "Well, koo koo ka choo, Mrs Robinson." "He's so gorgeous you just want to bite him all over." "Haven't you seen him?" "No." "I've been eating out lately." "You're not serious about dating him?" "Why can older men date younger women, but not the other way round?" "I don't make the rules." "I just enjoy them." "You're on." "Hello, Seattle." "This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780." "I'll be with you for three hours." "Roz, who's our first caller?" "Linda, calling from a car phone." "Hello, Linda." "I'm listening." "(Linda) 'My husband and I are in the middle of a fight." "'We're on our way to the Antique Mart." "'We're lost, but he won't stop and ask for directions.'" "Yes, this is a common source of friction among couples." "Some men need to be in control." "They see asking for help as weakness." "'Everybody knows that." "I called to ask 'how we get to the Antique Mart from Cherokee and 14th Street.'" "(Husband) 'I don't need directions!" "I know where I am!" "'" "(Linda) 'We're lost, Walter." "Face it, we're lost.'" "This isn't normally the kind of advice I give, but let me see." "I've lived in Seattle most of my life." " I have a map right here." " No, thanks, I don't need any help." "Eddie, that's disgusting!" "Why do animals drag things in?" " What is it?" "A rat?" " No." "A stupid doll." "He carries it everywhere." "(Doorbell)" "He never did this before you had him fixed." " Hello." " Not at the hospital?" "I'm on my way now." "Poor Maris." "She has no hospital experience." "Except the usual childhood things:" "tonsils, adenoids, force-feeding." " What's wrong with her?" " Nothing." "Cosmetic surgery." "Her chin, her lips, her cheeks, her eyelids..." "You'd be faster telling us what she's leaving alone." " In my opinion, this is just vanity." " It's not vanity, it's insecurity." "Women fall victim to our culture's worship at the altar of beauty." "Women over 40 feel unattractive if they don't have perfect hair, porcelain skin, limpid eyes, pouting lips, the voluptuous contours of a goddess." "(Sighs wistfully)" "(Silence continues)" "I'm sorry." "I've forgotten what my point was." "I know just what you mean." "I fell victim to that pressure myself." " I had a mole removed." " Where?" "Just south of Manchester." " I meant where on your body?" " So did I." "So, what time is the surgery tomorrow?" "First thing in the morning." "I was wondering if I might have your moral support down at the hospital." " Sure." "No problem." " Thank you." "Well, I'd better be off." "Hey, Niles." "It's not my business, but how much is this setting you back?" "In the neighbourhood of $25,000." "For an extra five grand, you can get a new wife from the Philippines." " Ah, Dr Crane." " Dr Sternstein." "Excuse me..." "Your wife is recovering, but it went splendidly." " You can see her in a few minutes." " Thank you." "All right, Mrs Patterson." "He's an incredible plastic surgeon." "Did you see that woman?" " Mr Patterson is a lucky man." " Maybe that was Mr Patterson." "Guess whose room I passed by on the way down the hall:" "Artie Walsh." " Dad's old partner?" " Yes, he was in for tests last week." "The results weren't very good." " Oh, no!" "I always liked him." " Yeah." "I remember him inviting us for weenie roasts when we were kids." "I'm sure he remembers you, too - asking for a salade niçoise." " Does Dad know he's here?" " I doubt it." " Think he wants to?" " No." "They haven't spoken in years." "Did Artie say why they had a fight?" "No, he's tight lipped." "But, with some arm-twisting, he admitted it was Dad's fault." "You should try the cafeteria here." "They've got a new chef." "He's from Yemen." "So many of the great ones are!" "Dad, Artie Walsh is in hospital here." "He's not at all well." "I know." "They may have to scoop out half his intestines." "Taste this meat loaf." "It's just chewy enough." "No, thank you." "Are you going to see him?" " Can't think of any good reason to." " He was your best friend." "He never came when I took that bullet and was lying with tubes and drains from every bodily opening." "At least taste this gravy." "Dad, we're talking about a few minutes out of your life to have a little chat with a very sick man." "Now, come on!" "You'll be glad you did." "That sanctimonious tone may wow them on the radio, but it doesn't cut ice with me." "When I say "no", I mean it." "I'm not chatting with Artie Walsh." " Artie thought as much." " What did he say?" "That you wouldn't have the guts to see him." "Then he sniggered." "I've got news for him!" "I've got twice the guts he has!" "And after his surgery tomorrow, I'll have four times the guts!" "Artie, it's me again." " Martin?" " Artie." "Dad insisted on rushing over to see you, didn't you?" "Yeah, well..." "They said you were in pretty rocky shape." "They've been saying a lot of things." " Well, Marty, how's it been going?" " OK." "Good." "Small steps." " Sorry you're laid up." " Thanks." "It's nice of you to come by." " Somebody had to be the big man." " Yeah." "What's that supposed to mean?" " I think you know." " Why don't you tell me?" "I'm being bigger than you were." " With that lousy bullet in your hip?" " It hurt." "Not enough!" " A bullet might have improved you." " Be glad it wasn't the butt." " It could have caused brain damage." " You always want the last word." " I don't want any words with you." " Too bad!" "I've got some choice ones." "Next time, we'll stay longer." "Stop staring at me like that!" "I didn't touch your damned doll." "Look, even if I did, I did it for your own good." "You were the joke of the park." "Even the poodles were laughing." "Oh, all right." "Here." "Got to get that dog a GI Joe." "Yes, Maris, I'm sure." "No, you can't gain weight from a glucose IV." "No, there's no such thing as a NutraSweet drip." "Just close your eyes and go to sleep." "Good night, Puppy Toes." "Is everything OK?" "No." "She can't get on with her nurses." "How can a reputable hospital hire such troublemakers?" "Yes, the Little Sisters of Mercy have always had that reputation." "Dad, how was your reunion with Artie?" "Lousy." "What started this bad blood between the two of you?" "He spread a rumour about me at work." " About what?" " None of your business." "I don't want to talk about it." "Subject closed." "Must have been pretty bad." " Must have been on the take." " More likely drugs." " Drugs, yes." "Or sex." " Or all three." "All right, it was worse than any of that." "He told people..." "I cried at "Brian's Song"." "Dear God." "You think that's the kind of thing that happens to other people's fathers." "I wasn't crying!" "Me and Artie were watching the movie and I got some pretzel salt in my eye." "Artie told everybody." "I became the joke of the department." "Other cops left Kleenex on my desk." "They called me Boo-hoo Crane." "I can understand your being upset with him, but what's he so cheesed off with you for?" "Well, I..." "I guess I let something slip about the size of his wife's behind." " I beg your pardon?" " She's got this gigantic rear end." "Looks like she's shoplifting pillows." "You felt compelled to share that with him?" "For 20 years, I tried not to, then, one day, I let my guard down." "We were coming into work, and he says, "How's the wife?"" "And I said, "At least she doesn't have an arse the size of Albuquerque."" "A 20-year relationship ruined because of a little name-calling?" "No, there's more to it than that." "Artie always had to have the last word." "He couldn't leave well alone." "Couldn't let sleeping dogs lie." "You'd think it was all over, then he'd start again." "Can we drop this?" "I've got better things to do than sit in a hospital room taking abuse." "Oh, God, I'm due back with Maris." " I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight." " Why?" "Maris' doctor feels it soothes the patient to copy the home environment." "So I slipped a gun under her pillow and got a room across the hall." "We'd better say a prayer for the night nurse." "It's a shame your father and his friend can't let bygones be bygones." " I don't know what else to do." " Maybe if I had a go at it." "I've come to have a pretty good understanding of how the Crane mind works." "When it works." " About your partner..." " I don't want to talk about it." "No, I just wanted to tell you I'm on your side." " I say good riddance to bad rubbish." " Damn right." "You can't have had any good times." "There weren't many." "Occasionally, we'd go fishing." " That's not much fun." " Not the way I did it." "But Artie decided he'd teach me." "He even bought this beat-up old boat." "He said after we retired, we'd get more use out of it." "It seems pushy to foist his interests on you." "Oh, it wasn't so bad." "I remember once I bust my hump reeling in what turned out to be an old slipper." "You know what Artie did?" "Unhooked it and threw it on the barbecue." "Maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all." "Maybe you're right." "I listen to myself talk and I sound like a big fool." " Thanks, Daphne." "You opened my eyes." " I thought I might." "I'm going to go to that hospital, buy him a big stuffed animal, throw my arms around him and never let him go." "You really are a hateful old sod, aren't you?" "Come on, Eddie!" "Time for your walk." "Hello?" "Yes, it is." "Oh, I see." "I guess it isn't really a shock, considering." "Yes." "I'm sure they did everything they could." "Thank you." " Who was that?" " We can talk about it later, Dad." " Is everything OK?" " Why do you ask?" "I hear you say "I'm sorry" and such like." "It's natural to be concerned." " You thought it was about Artie." " No!" " Yes, you did." " So what if I did?" "It proves you still care about him." "All right, suppose I do feel bad about this fight." "What the hell can I do?" "That's up to you." "I could drive you to the hospital." "I don't need you." "I can drive myself." "You can't." "That was your mechanic." "Your transmission's dead." "(TV gunfight)" " Artie..." " Oh, Jeez!" " You guys got off on the wrong foot." " All right." "I'll handle this." "Artie..." " Will you turn the TV off?" " I'll turn it down." "Listen, Artie, I'm sorry about some of those things I said earlier, OK?" "Maybe all of them." "I was steamed that you never came to see me in hospital." "I didn't come by because I didn't think you'd want see me." "Of course I wanted to!" " That's what my wife said." " Oh, yeah." "Loretta." "It's nice of you to come." "It's not easy for someone as stubborn as you." "Me stubborn?" "I'm not the one who always has to have the last..." "No, you're right, Artie." "I am stubborn." " And it wasn't easy." " Thanks, Martin." "We have a few things to talk about, so if you'll just wait outside, it'll be a lot easier." "Anything I said would be irrelevant." "As a therapist, you learn once things are working, anything else would be..." "What's an old cop like you doing in a joint like this?" "Believe me, I didn't expect to end like this." "End?" "You'll be out raising hell before you know it." "I don't know." "The doctors aren't tossing their hats in the air." "My sons are doctors." "They don't know nothing." "You've got to get out of here." "We've got a lot of lost time to make up for." " You still got that stupid boat?" " Yeah." "I hung on to it." "We'll sink that damn thing yet." "Hey, Artie, remember the time you barbecued the slipper?" "Stuff always tastes better when you catch it yourself." " What are you doing here?" " I got Artie and Dad talking again." "I had to resort to some cheap, manipulative pseudo-psychology." "Always go to your strengths." "Looks like you've bought out the entire gift shop for Maris." "This isn't for Maris." "It's for her nurses." "They're meeting to discuss her and I gather hospital strikes are ugly." " Visiting hours are over." " Thank you." "I'll go round up Dad." "Excuse me." "Do you work on my wife's floor, Mrs Maris Crane?" "Yes, I do." "I'd like you to have these chocolates." " I'm on the night shift." " And this lovely watch." "Dad, it's time to go." "What?" "You get another phone call about your dad's transmission?" " Your dad told me about that." " All I was doing was..." "I know what you were doing." "Thanks, kid." " See you soon." " Sure." "OK, we've got a deal." "When you get out of this joint, you give me fishing lessons." " lf I get out." " When you get out." "You can't have the last word on this one." " See you, Marty." " See you, Art." " Bye." " Bye." "Take care." "Take care." "Stay loose!" "See you, Artie!" "(Artie) See you, Marty." "# Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# Oh, my!" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged" "# But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# They're calling again #" "Good night!"