"HI I'M RUDY." "TONIGHT'S SHOW STARING MR. DANNY KAYE" "IT'S FOR ALL US KIDS" "BUT YOU GROWN UPS SHOULD WATCH TOO." "I DON'T BELIEVE IT." "CLIFF." "WHAT'S HAPPENING?" "READ THIS." "READ THIS ARTICLE." "RIGHT." "READ THIS." "WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO READ IT?" "YOU HAVE TO READ THIS." "IS IT ABOUT ME?" "PLEASE, JUST READ IT." ""WATER METERS TO BE INSTALLED IN CITY DWELLINGS."" "READ ON." ""IN AN ATTEMPT TO CONSERVE THE CITY'S WATER RESOURCES" ""THE MAYOR HAS PROPOSED THE INSTALLATION OF METERS" ""TO MONITOR WATER USAGE." "THE PROPOSED..."" "WE DON'T NEED A METER." "WE TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO CONSERVE WATER." "THAT'S RIGHT." "WE TELL THEM NOT TO LEAVE THE WATER RUNNING" "WHILE THEY BRUSH THEIR TEETH." "DON'T WE TELL THEM NOT TO TAKE HOUR-LONG SHOWERS?" "THERE YOU GO." "YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS?" "OUR CHILDREN DON'T LISTEN TO US." "NO." "THE CITY IS LETTING DEVELOPERS PUT UP HIGH-RISES" "LIKE THE ONE GOING UP ON THE CORNER." "THAT HIGH-RISE WILL BRING" "A THOUSAND MORE PEOPLE INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD" "AND THEY'LL BE USING OUR WATER." "WATER..." "CLIFF?" "I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS." "THE METERS WILL COST" "$350 APIECE" "AND YOU KNOW WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR THAT" "US." "THAT'S TERRIBLE." "WE'RE GOING TO WRITE THE CITY A LETTER." "HMM?" "WE'RE WRITING THE CITY." "WE ARE?" "YES." "GO AHEAD." "OKAY." "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?" "WHAT?" "WHAT IS IT, DEAR?" "WHAT SHOULD I SAY?" "TO WHO?" "TO THE CITY." "AT THIS HOUR?" "ABOUT THE WATER METERS." "THE CITY'S CLOSED." "OH, LOOK AT THIS." "DID YOU READ THIS?" "WHAT?" "IT SAYS:" ""MAN DIES BECAUSE WIFE WILL NOT LET HIM SLEEP."" "HEY, RUDY." "DENISE." "WHAT?" "WANT TO SEE SOME MAGIC?" "A MAGIC TRICK?" "YEAH, IT'S A GOOD ONE." "OKAY, LET'S SEE IT." "I HOLD IN MY HAND A RUBBER BALL." "YEAH." "WATCH THIS BALL CLOSELY." "OKAY." "GUESS WHICH HAND HAS THE RUBBER BALL." "UM..." "THAT ONE." "WAIT A SECOND." "NOW GUESS." "OH, GOSH." "I CHANGED MY MIND." "THAT ONE." "WAIT A SECOND." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "NOTHING." "NOW GUESS." "THAT ONE." "NOPE." "THAT ONE?" "RIGHT." "LET'S SEE." "TURN AROUND." "WHY?" "JUST TURN AROUND." "OKAY." "YOU CAN LOOK NOW." "TA-DUM!" "HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" "IT'S MAGIC." "( DOORBELL ) IT'S AMAZING." "I'LL GET THAT." "HEY, PETER." "YOU HERE TO SEE RUDY?" "COME IN." "HI, PETER." "WANT TO SEE A TRICK?" "WANT TO PLAY?" "NO, I NEED TO HIDE." "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE DENTIST." "COME ON." "NOW THEY'VE GOTTEN RIDICULOUS." "WHO?" "THE CITY'S ALLOWING THE HIGH-RISE ON THE CORNER" "TO ADD 10 MORE FLOORS." "GOOD." "GOOD?" "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS." "THE CITY'S MAKING US PUT IN A WATER METER." "THERE WILL BE FEWER PARKING SPACES." "THE SCHOOLS WILL BE MORE CROWDED." "AND THEY'LL USE OUR WATER." "IT'S TERRIBLE." "WELL, YOUR SON THINKS IT'S GOOD." "MOM'S NOT SEEING THE OTHER SIDE." "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BUILDING." "IT WILL PROVIDE JOBS" "AND INCREASE REAL ESTATE VALUES IN THIS AREA." "THEO, I'M IMPRESSED." "YOU HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, HAVEN'T YOU?" "HE HAS EVER SINCE THE DAY COCKROACH TOLD HIM 55 STEWARDESSES ARE MOVING INTO THE BUILDING." "HEY." "DENISE, THEY'RE ADDING 10 FLOORS TO THE HIGH-RISE." "WHAT HIGH-RISE?" "THE ONE ON THE CORNER." "THEY'RE BUILDING A HIGH-RISE?" "YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE SORRIEST BUNCH OF CHILDREN" "I HAVE EVER SEEN." "( RING )" "( RING )" "HUXTABLE RESIDENCE." "YES, HELLO, MR. CHIARA." "JUST A MINUTE." "IS PETER HERE?" "YEAH, HE JUST CAME IN." "YES, HE'S HERE." "HE DID WHAT?" "( CHUCKLING )" "OKAY." "WE'LL HOLD HIM HERE FOR YOU." "ALL RIGHT." "GOOD ENOUGH." "PETER HAS AN APPOINTMENT WITH DR. BURNS" "AND HE'S SCARED." "DR. BURNS IS A GREAT DENTIST." "WE KNOW THAT, BUT PETER DOESN'T." "YES, BUT PETER DOES HAVE A REPUTATION" "FOR FLEEING FROM HIGH-PRESSURE SITUATIONS." "I HOLD IN MY HAND A RUBBER BALL." "WATCH THIS BALL CLOSELY." "GUESS WHICH HAND HAS THE BALL." "WAIT A SECOND." "( KNOCKING )" "WHO IS IT?" "DAD." "HIDE." "QUICK, HIDE." "( KNOCKING )" "( KNOCKING )" "COME IN." "WHAT TOOK SO LONG" "FOR YOU TO SAY "COME IN" TO YOUR FATHER?" "YOU KNOW..." "I RAN ALL THE WAY UPSTAIRS TO SEE YOU" "AND I'M SO TIRED" "I NOW HAVE TO SIT DOWN ON THIS BED" "UP HERE BY THE PILLOWS." "SO, I'M JUST GOING..." "AS A MATTER OF FACT, I CHANGED MY MIND." "I THINK I'LL SIT DOWN HERE AT THE END OF THE BED." "AS A MATTER OF FACT" "I THINK I'LL SIT ON THE MIDDLE OF THE BED" "AND JUST..." "PETER!" "HI, PETER." "HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?" "PETER DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO THE DENTIST." "OH, PETER." "IT'S NO PROBLEM GOING TO THE DENTIST." "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO GO?" "OKAY." "BUT I TELL YOU" "DR. BURNS IS GREAT, ISN'T HE?" "DR. BURNS IS NICE, PETER." "YEAH." "SOMETIMES WHEN I COME FROM DR. BURNS'" "I CAN TALK FUNNY." "SOMETIMES MY LIP" "IS A LITTLE TINGLY" "AND PEOPLE SAY, "HOW ARE YOU DOING?"" "AND I SAY:" "( GARBLED ) "I'M OKAY."" "YEAH." "SOMETIMES WHEN MY WIFE IS TALKING TO ME" "SHE SAYS, "WELL, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?"" "I SAY:" "( GARBLED ) "I'M OKAY."" "SHE SAID, "DID THE DENTIST HURT?"" "AND I SAY:" "( GARBLED ) "OH, NO, THE DENTIST DIDN'T HURT ME AT ALL."" "( SPEAKING AS IF LIPS ARE NUMB )" ""AND IT WAS ALL RIGHTY."" "ALL RIGHTY?" "YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?" "SO YOU COULD TALK FUNNY." "O-B-KAY-B?" "O-B-KAY-B." "O-B-KAY-B." "O-B-KAY-B?" "O-B-KAY-B." "O-B-KAY-B?" "O-B-KAY-B." "O-B-KAY-B." "ALL RIGHT, THEN." "LET'S GO SEE DR. BURNS!" "NOW, PETER, I WOULD NEVER GO TO ANYBODY BUT DR. BURNS." "DON'T WORRY." "HE'S A GREAT DENTIST." "RIGHT, RUDY?" "RIGHT." "I'VE BEEN GOING SINCE I WAS YOUR AGE." "ME, TOO." "( DOORBELL )" "I'LL GET IT." "THAT MUST BE PETER'S FATHER." "MR. CHIARA, HOW ARE YOU, SIR?" "HI." "WE GOT HIM FOR YOU." "BYE, PETER." "GOOD LUCK AT THE DENTIST." "COME ON, PETE." "EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT, KID." "BYE-BYE." "WILL YOU FEEL BETTER IF I COME?" "CAN I, DADDY?" "IT'S UP TO MR. CHIARA." "OKAY." "YOU'VE GOT A BUDDY TO GO WITH YOU NOW." "WE'RE BRAVE TOGETHER." "HAVING FUN." "LOOK OUT, DR. BURNS!" "TAKE HIM TO THE EYE DOCTOR WHILE YOU'RE AT IT." "ISN'T THIS NICE?" "I'LL GO TELL THEM WE'RE HERE." "HELLO?" "AH, WHO SAID, "HELLO?"" "ME." "OH, HELLO!" "I KNOW YOU." "YOU'RE RUDY HUXTABLE." "RIGHT." "HOW ARE YOU?" "FINE." "THAT'S NICE." "DO YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT?" "NO, I'M HERE WITH MY FRIEND" "PETER." "WHICH ONE IS PETER?" "THE LITTLE ONE OR THE BIG ONE?" "THE LITTLE ONE." "THE LITTLE ONE." "YOU KNOW SOMETHING?" "HE LOOKS SCARED." "HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE THAT." "I'LL BE OUT IN ONE SECOND." "PETER, I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE HIM." "HE'S BEEN A DENTIST FOR A LONG TIME." "HERE WE ARE." "THAT WASN'T SO BAD, WAS IT, JAMES?" "YES." "SHHH!" "I HAVE OTHER PATIENTS HERE" "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE." "NOW YOU CAN PICK OUT A TOY, OKAY?" "NO, NOT ALL OF THEM." "IF YOU COME IN FOR A WHOLE SET OF TEETH" "YOU CAN HAVE THEM ALL." "NOW, YOU ONLY HAVE ONE." "THAT'S A NICE ONE." "THANK YOU, DOCTOR BURNS." "YOU'RE VERY WELCOME." "WELL, TAKE HIM HOME" "AND WASH HIS MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP." "IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY" "SO I THINK I'LL GET READY TO GO." "YOU CAN'T GO." "WHY NOT?" "YOU'RE THE DENTIST." "OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, YOU'RE RIGHT." "I AM THE DENTIST." "WELL, I BETTER BEHAVE LIKE ONE, HUH?" "SO, YOU ARE PETER, YES?" "AND YOU'RE HIS FATHER?" "I CAN SEE WHY YOU ARE RELATED." "PETER, IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEM" "WITH YOUR TEETH" "YOU COME AND SEE ME, YES?" "HE DOES." "HE DOES WHAT?" "HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS TEETH." "WHO?" "PETER." "IS THAT TRUE, PETER?" "HE WAS UP ALL NIGHT..." "I DIDN'T ASK YOU." "I'M TALKING TO PETER." "WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME INSIDE WITH ME?" "I'LL GO WITH YOU." "IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU?" "IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU?" "DON'T GO AWAY." "WE'LL BE OUT IN TWO OR THREE DAYS." "COME WITH ME." "HERE WE GO." "WE COME INSIDE" "AND PETER, JUST HOP INTO THE CHAIR." "I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE." "HOP, HOP, HOP INTO THE CHAIR." "PETER, HOP, JUMP, CLIMB INTO THE CHAIR." "PETER..." "JUMP IN THE CHAIR, PETER." "HE WON'T DO IT." "WHAT SHOULD WE DO?" "WE COULD PUSH HIM." "WHY DON'T WE TAKE HIM ON A TOUR?" "COME HERE, MEET ME." "AND THEN WE START WITH THE LEFT FOOT." "HERE WE GO THROUGH THE OFFICE." "AND THE FIRST THING WE SHOW YOU HERE" "IS MY DIPLOMA." "THIS IS MY DIPLOMA WHEN I GRADUATED" "FROM DENTAL SCHOOL IN 1776." "SHOW HIM THE TEETH." "NO, THOSE TEETH." "WHICH ONES?" "THE ONES ON THE SHELF?" "THESE GO ON THE SHELF SOMETIMES, TOO, YOU KNOW?" "HERE WE ARE." "SIT DOWN." "SHARE THAT PLACE." "AND WE HAVE THE TEETH." "AREN'T THESE NICE?" "ALL RIGHT." "TELL HIM THE STORY." "OH, ALL RIGHT." "NOW, A LONG TIME AGO" "THESE TEETH WALKED INTO MY OFFICE." "THEY DIDN'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT" "THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING." "AND I SAID, "DO I KNOW YOU?"" "AND THEY SAID" ""NO, BUT YOU'VE TAKEN OUT SOME OF OUR FRIENDS."" "AND I SAID, "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?"" "AND THEY SAID" ""WE WOULD LIKE TO COME TO WORK FOR YOU."" "I SAID, "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO TYPE?"" "THEY SAID, "NO."" "I SAID, "HOW WILL YOU WORK FOR ME?"" "THEY SAID, "WE WILL SIT ON THE SHELF" ""SO PEOPLE CAN SEE" ""WHAT GOOD, HEALTHY, STRONG TEETH" "ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE."" "YOU SEE?" "NOW THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO" "TWENTY, FORTY, SIXTY..." "ALMOST FOUR YEARS AGO." "AND THEY HAVE NEVER MISSED A DAY'S WORK..." "WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR MY RECEPTIONIST." "ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUT THESE BACK." "AND WE'LL GO ON FROM HERE." "NOW, I HAVE ONE MORE THING TO SHOW YOU, PETER." "BECAUSE WE HAVE HERE AN EXPERIMENTAL TOOTH SHUTTLE." "AND WE HAVE AN INSTRUMENT WHICH MAKES IT GO WHOOO, UP" "AND WE HAVE ANOTHER INSTRUMENT WHICH MAKES IT GO DOWN." "BUT WE NEED AN ASTRONAUT." "BE AN ASTRONAUT." "FIVE, FOUR, THREE..." "THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU ON THE MOON, PETER." "...THREE, TWO, ONE..." "OH!" "YAY, PETER!" "BRAVO, THAT'S MARVELOUS." "PETER, IF YOU'LL OPEN YOUR MOUTH" "I'LL SEE WHAT'S GOING ON." "JUST A LITTLE WIDER." "IT'S NOT HARD." "LIKE THIS" " LOOK." "OH, I HAVE AN IDEA." "DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A SONG?" "* OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM *" "* EE-I-EE-I-OH!" "*" "SEE?" "IT'S EASY." "DO YOU WANT TO SING ALONG?" "* OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM *" "* EE-I-EE-I... * * ..." "OH!" "*" "HOW ABOUT RUDY SITTING HERE AND I'LL EXAMINE HER?" "NO WAY!" "COULD I SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE OVER HERE?" "I THINK PETER IS AFRAID TO OPEN HIS MOUTH." "I THINK IF YOU SIT IN THE CHAIR AND SHOW HIM" "YOU'RE BRAVE ENOUGH TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH" "MAYBE HE'LL OPEN HIS." "UNDERSTAND?" "YES." "YOU WON'T DO IT?" "NO." "I'M IN THIS ALONE?" "YES." "( CRYING )" "DON'T CRY." "I'LL BE OKAY IN A MINUTE." "( WAILING )" "MY WHOLE LIFE" "I HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH CHILDREN" "AND MY REPUTATION NOW WILL BE SPOILED!" "OKAY, I'LL OPEN MY MOUTH." "OHHH!" "YOU SEE, IT WORKS EVERY TIME." "I'LL WASH MY HANDS AND WE'LL GET READY." "WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?" "SCRAMBLED EGGS." "FOR DINNER?" "I INVITED PETER TO EAT WITH US." "HIS MOUTH IS STILL A LITTLE SENSITIVE." "I'LL MAKE MYSELF A STEAK." "PETER WILL FEEL BADLY" "IF YOU'RE EATING STEAK AND HE'S EATING SCRAMBLED EGGS." "I'LL COVER THE STEAK WITH THE EGGS." "DAD, THERE'S A WOMAN WHO HAS TO SEE YOU." "ABOUT WHAT?" "I DON'T KNOW, BUT SHE'S PREGNANT." "LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?" "THERE'S NO WOMAN IN HERE." "NO, ONLY ME." "AND YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT." "NOT NOW, NO." "HELLO, DR. BURNS." "HELLO, CLAIRE." "I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU." "RUDY LEFT THIS IN MY OFFICE" "AND I THOUGHT I WOULD DROP IT BY ON THE WAY HOME." "YOU HAD A TOUGH PATIENT TODAY." "I'VE HAD TOUGHER." "I..." "WHICH REMINDS ME" "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN MY OFFICE LATELY." "I WAS JUST IN TO SEE YOU." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "MY RECORDS SHOW THAT IT'S BEEN EIGHT MONTHS." "YOU HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH MY SON." "YOUR SON WAS IN LAST WEEK." "SO HOW ABOUT MONDAY YOU COME TO SEE ME?" "NO, NO..." "MONDAY'S NO GOOD FOR ME." "TUESDAY?" "TUESDAY'S TIGHTER THAN MONDAY." "AHA." "HOW LOOSE IS WEDNESDAY?" "I DON'T THINK SO." "WEDNESDAY'S NO GOOD." "WOULD YOU CONSIDER FEEZELDAY?" "FEEZELDAY WE TAKE THE CHILDREN TO SEE THE FEEZELS." "JA." "YOU HAVE THURSDAY AFTERNOON OFF." "THERE YOU ARE." "I WILL SEE YOU AT 4:00, THURSDAY AFTERNOON." "I'LL SEE YOU TO THE DOOR." "ALL RIGHT." "THURSDAY AFTERNOON I WILL SEE YOU AT 4:00." "OH, DOCTOR." "YES?" "WILL YOU SHOW ME THE TEETH?" "YES." "WILL YOU PUT ME ON THE TOOTH SHUTTLE?" "YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE BIG FOR THAT" "BUT..." "YES." "BY THE WAY, CLIFF." "YES, SIR?" "WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED..." "JUST ONE TOY?" "BUT I LET YOU KISS MY WIFE." "TWO TOYS?" "CLIFF?" "CLIFF?" "HMM?" "WHERE'S THE PAPER?" "PAPER?" "YES, TODAY'S NEWSPAPER." "TODAY'S PAPER?" "AH, NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, DEAR." "I SAW YOU WITH IT AT DINNER." "WHAT DINNER?" "TONIGHT." "YOU'RE HIDING IT FROM ME." "WHY WOULD I DO THAT?" "SO I WON'T READ IN BED." " HAND IT OVER." " OH, STOP IT." "I'M GOING TO FIND IT." "GO AHEAD." "HA, HA, HA." "NOT THERE." "NOW STOP IT." "I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE PAPER'S GONE." "IT'S UNDER THE PILLOWS." "NO." "MOVE YOUR HEAD." "HIDING THE PAPER FROM YOUR WIFE!" "THAT IS SO CHILDISH." "I DO THAT BECAUSE YOU GET IN THE BED" "YOU READ SOMETHING" "AND YOU GET EXCITED AND ANGRY ABOUT IT." "PROMISE ME" "YOU WON'T GET ANGRY ABOUT ANYTHING." "I PROMISE YOU." "AND IF I DO" "I'LL KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT." "GOOD!" "ALL RIGHT." "THAT'S WONDERFUL." "YOU JUST GET IN THERE." "KISS." "GOOD NIGHT." "GOOD NIGHT, DEAR." "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET UPSET?" "NO, I'M NOT." "OKAY." "YOU'LL SEE."