"Telepathy" "What is art?" "I don't know but I think it is got something to do wiv the gays." "Whatever!" "I is come to New York to find out more." "Check it!" "What is art nowvu ...nowvu, nowvo, nowvo?" "Art nouveau?" "Whatever!" "Yeah... whatever." "Whatever!" "Art nouveau was a style toward the end of the, the 19th Century." "What is art deco?" "New York is an art deco city you might say." "So what is Art Garfunkel?" "Art Garfunkel is Art Garfunkel ...is just a singer." "Ain't that confusing for young people?" "It may be, but it would astonish me if it were." "I once painted me Julie with some chocolate body paint." "Is that art?" "The interesting question is not yes or no but why?" "Well, I did it 'cos I thought, you know, it would turn her on." "But it didn't." "It didn't even taste of chocolate and it looked like she'd shat the bed." "Yeah, it might still have been art but it didn't do what you wanted it to do." "Yo check dis." "Normally to get to see a girl naked, you need to take her out to a three course dinner at KFC, buy her four Bacardi Breezers and tell her you love her." "Art is... has cleverly invented something called a life drawing class, where they can stare at a girl's punani for up to 3 hours without having to pay nuffin'." "I is so excited, I is already got a semi lob-on." "Easy now" "Yo!" "Why don't you have a seat?" "Yo!" "Take a moment." "Safe." "How long has you been doing the art thing?" "Well, it's been, oh gosh..." "Jesus!" "See, look at the pose." "Is he standing or sitting?" "He's sitting, can you see him?" "Yeah, for real." "I saw him before." " Can you see the model?" "Can you?" "No, no, you have to draw him and see him at the same time." "I took it in..." "you know, I has seen enough" "Well, go ahead and draw then." "Yo, cool, safe, respect." "You has got something to be proud of." "What is acting?" "What a good question." "Ben Kingsley, when he was on 'Inside the Actors Studio', put it so well to our students." "He said:" "'the camera hates acting.'" "What's this?" "That's the old fashioned kind of acting where you're indicating, acting in quotes." "Those are quotes." "They're quotes." "What is quotes?" " Quotation marks." "I thought they was like ears, when you do with someone..." "That's correct." "Why is it, that hoes is better actors than men?" "I should tell you, as Dean of the Actors' Studio at the Drama School, that I don't use words like hoes and I hate them." "That's honestly." "Alright bitches, bitches." " I know there's the vernacular." "No, No" "I hate words like bitches." "Why is it that woman is like so good at pretending to be upset like," "'Oh Ali you is forgotten me birthday." "Oh, you has slept with me best friend.' You know, crying..." "Has you ever met Robert De Niros?" "Robert de Niro was on my show." "Woh, he is da bong man." "He is so good." "Robert de Niro's a genius." "Has you seen 'Analyse This'?" " Oh yeah." "Him doing his thing. 'You, you, you, good" " I had both on my show, him and Billy." "Him and Billy Crystal." " what's he say 'no, you you, no you' all the time to the other with the beard, who ain't that good. 'You you you no you.'" "You asked about The Actor's Studio." "Go see 'Taxi Driver'." "Is it better than 'Analyse This'?" "Yes." "Has you ever cried during watching a movie?" "Of course, I'm a pushover, I cry..." " You has cried?" "What are you laughing at?" "I cry readily if I'm moved." "Does you want us to redo that bit 'cos this is gonna go out." "You don't want them to know that you is cried." "Has you ever.." "You're gonna call me a fifi boy for crying in a movie?" "It's a bit over the hill and round the bend, innit?" "No its..." "Jesus no..." "Jesus no." "Has you ever interviewed Shakespeares?" "William Shakespeare?" "No doubt." "Well, he died about 400 years ago." "No he ain't 'cos I is seen him at..." "On the telly?" " No, on this... on the theatre with the school." "They made us go to see William Shakespeare." "You saw somebody playing Shakespeare, which is great." "I didn't really like it and me left after half an hour or they chucked me out 'cos I was shining one of them laser pen things on Shakespeare's head." "But..." "Respect, shame on you." "I'm gonna give you a premise." "The premise is..." "Yes." " that... you are with a young lady." "Yes." "This is your second date." "Yes." "...the second time you've been out with her," "Yes." "and you are going to propose marriage to her." "I have a wife in Kazakhstan." " and that's even better, because that adds more of a conflict." "But my wife will not... allow it." " This is, this is imaginary, she doesn't have to agree to it." "We're gonna make believe that she will agree to it." "I will have a time here." " Yeah, that's right." " Sexy Time" "But you have to convince her, to come with you to Kazakhstan, tonight." "Yes." "Whatever you need to do." "But I have a wife." "I... this is not really gonna happen." "Why not?" "No idea!" "Let's say you were in a movie." "Yes I have been in a movie, 'Dirty Jew'." "Okay." "Now let's say when you were in that movie..." " Yes." "What part did you play?" "I play the one who..." "the hero who shoot." " Okay." "Do you know famous people?" "I actually did a scene with Claire Danes in my acting class, but I don't think you know who she is, but she's an American actress." "Is Freddie Mercury homosexual?" "Is Freddie Mercury homosexual?" "I..." "I don't know if I'm qualified to comment on that." "Now, the young lady that you're going be doing the improv with, is..." "Jennifer De Francesco." "Yes." "What we're gonna do is... we're gonna do an improv..." "Okay." "He's married." " Mmhmm." "...you're gonna say 'let's get it on right now'." "Okay." "So, I've only known you..." "Nice." "I like..." "I like this" "Okay, stay in the scene." " Yeah." "Okay." "So, I know you have to go back home soon," "Yes." "...but I was wondering if, on your last night, we could have a really special evening..." "Yes." " together?" "You want to talk away from camera?" "No." "But, they film this on the camera, my... my wife will see this." "Yeah, well, well... we're just, we're in a class." "We're just..." " Yes, ah yes... .. we're acting." "You do not like me but you touched me before?" "Well, that's because we were acting." "I thought there were some excellent moments there." "So, Jennifer, thank you." " No, thank you." "Thank you so much." " Thanks, thanks..." "No. thank you." "Hi." "Hello." "What will you be doing?" "I will perform from..." "television show..." "Great." " ... that I in in Kasakhstan, 'Locust'." "Ok, great." "Hey, it's you!" "Let her go." "Why you take her?" "She nothing to do with this." "You, me was partner." "I am Locust." "I Locust." "Fuck to you!" "you do not need worry about him." "Thank you very much." "When will I hear?" "You know... if we're interested, then we usually call." "Easy now rude boys." "De media... a lot of you out there probably never even 'eard of the word." "Is books part of the meeja?" "Absolutely." "What is the point of them?" "I mean, I ain't done this, but has any of you h'actually ever read a book?" "Oh, of course." "No, no, no, I is talking about the whole fing." "I've read thousands of books in my life." "I have..." "Alright." "Don't show off." "Some people..." " Well name one then." "Name one?" "I was reading one today called 'Sex, Lies and Videotape'." "Is that a..." "is that a real book?" ".. to my understanding it was a film but it may, it may also be a book." " Alright, so that's a film, that ain't a book." "What does you fink about violence on TV?" "Nobody, I don't think, in their right mind would say there shouldn't be any violence in entertainment." "The question is do you depict it in a way that makes it appealing?" "But what harm has violence ever done?" "Oh, death, I mean... you" " Yeah, but apart from that." "Well, death and injury..." "I mean if you don't die you're injured." "Alright well, apart from them... yeah those two things." "Yeah..." "Does you think that violence on the telly leads to violence on the street?" "I wouldn't limit it to television." "You got film, you got" "Violence in media whatever..." " you got rap, you got video games." "With all respect though that is BS." "That stands for bullshit." "Because me watch Star Trek but dat don't mean me go out and build a spaceship and fly into the air and above that into the fing called space... and have you know all dem ears and all that thing, innit...?" "To me, that is the point..." " Yo, answer that." "There is a difference between violence that is readily and... easily imitatable versus rayguns." "Should telly be used to educate our children?" "The television could be a powerful medium for education." "Well like Sesame Street is very h'educationalist." "I is learnt a lot from that." "Why don't they make a version of Sesame Street for kids?" "That's what it's for." "What?" "That's what it's made for." "With all respect, the other day me saw it and the letter was X." "And me don't think that kids would understand that." "Check dis." "Did you know that Xylophone is spelt with an X?" "Yes sure." " But Zoo is spelt like with... something the other one." " Zee." "Zoo is spelt with zee." "Do you think that there should be censorship?" "We have censorship on television." "Me grew up watching whatever me wanted." "Me was watching pornos from the age of 11 and me don't see me Julie complaining now." "Everytime." "So, does you think it's alright to see animals on the telly?" "People having sex with animals?" " What?" "No!" "Oh, you mean sex with animals ...animals having sex?" "No, animals." "Animals having sex with animals?" " No!" "Yo, take it easy." "It is disgusting enough seeing a woman and a horse do it, but actually seeing two horses getting jiggy together that was actually on the television." "Well I don't personally enjoy watching two elephants have sex on a PBS Special, I don't consider it pornographic." "So." "Does you think the media put too much attention on women to look a certain way?" "I think that it... does clearly present an unreal image of life." "But does you think there's enough pressure being put on women from the media 'cos there is still so many fattyboombooms walking around?" "People need to think about that, they need to look at a, Rosie O'Donnell and say:" "'well that's someone who looks like more of the people I see day to day.'" "Yeah right... that's another good point." " Well, come off it." "Rosie O'Donnell, how much?" "How much?" "I think, Rosie O'Donnell..." " How much?" "...is clearly the exception." "Not even for a million bucks, I bet you wouldn't." "She is the exception to this presentation." "I wanna say big up to all of you lot out here." "Me hope to my peeps out there that you has learnt something and at least taken away one ting." "Whether it is that you think it is alright to watch the National Geographic Channel, watch two elephant boning, like this man does." "You at home, make up your own mind." "Keep it real." "Peace." "Entschuldigung bitte I'm here in the coolest city in the world." "That's right LA." "Los Angeles." "It makes Vienna look like a scheizendumfuehrer..." "Also, let's go and find out, what makes it so out there." "Whenever." "Wir gehen zu look." "What was it like when Madonna came in through the front door, did her vogue and just said:" "'Hi, I'm a virgin.'" "She didn't." "She didn't come to this store here." "She hasn't been in this store." " She hasn't been?" "No, not when I was here so..." "Warum sind sie hier..." "do has gesagt im Madonna?" "They're crazy about Madonna ... can we just like pretend?" "Ok, yeah" "Ok." "So what was it like when Madonna just came through the door here and just said" "'Okay, I wanna buy these clothes, these are the greatest clothes I've ever seen' and just like did the vogue." "Yeah, it was amazing, it was unbelievable." "How many things did she buy here?" "12-14 pieces." "Oh my god." "And did she come back here many, many, many times?" "Yes, she did." "Is this her favourite shop?" " Yes." "What's the cool way to walk?" "Alright." "This is the coolest way to walk." "Okay, great." "What's like the innest religion, now?" "Buddhism." "And what was the in religion like, you know, last fall." "Maybe Catholic." "So, we've got a charity with the show, it's to do with like deaf or dead children, I dunno." "I just wondered if you can do something for them into camera?" "Take it away from the god of fashion." "Okay." "That's it." " Great." "Alright!" "That was cool!" "That will make a difference." "What do you think about Hitler?" "You know he was from Austria..." "I mean," "Do you think he had good style?" "Everybody's uniform looked exactly perfect." "They was never out of style..." "I mean, he had style and he had a message, a bit like Christina Aguilera." ".. yeah, I guess, he did have a message." "So, if Jesus were alive today, where would he shop?" "Jesus would probably shop on Melrose actually." "We've got a lot of shops that actually have long full get up yet, still have that... back-to-earth kind of feeling." "Sure..." "And, what about Ghandi?" "Where would he shop?" "Ghandi was a minimalist, I'd say probably he would shop downtown." "Actually downtown there's just a lot of fabric stores and I think he would just go into a shop and buy a piece of fabric, tie it with a rope and he'd be fine." "What is Jonathan Antin?" "What is Jonathan Antin?" "Fuck man." "I'm just a..." "I'm a troubled, crazy" "Sure." " Fucking maniac that has a lot of feelings, and a lot of emotion and a lot of craziness." "Look at the evil people in the world:" "Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Stalin." "What they all have in common?" "Moustaches." "There's quite a few Middle Easterners that look like him, with that kind of moustache, that are not totally crazy." " Yeah, there are a few people..." "A few." " with moustaches who aren't TOTALLY crazy." "Absolutely!" " But most of them" "They're a little fucking nuts." " in my experience..." "They're all weird." "Is it a coincidence that all good people have long hair like Jesus and like hippies and, you know, Rod Stewart, whatever?" "Sure, sure, I've done Rod Stewart's hair for a long time." "I'll be really honest with you." " Sure." "I'm very impressed that you've brought these issues up, because I've thought of them a couple of times in my career, but I've never heard anyone else ever address them except for you." "Thanks, that means a lot." "Thank you." " I gotta tell you man that's like..." "Did you write all this shit?" "Yeah, I've just been thinking this shit." "That's so heavy because I've always wondered why?" "Yeah, 'cos it's crazy, why all the good people..." "Jesus and Moses..." " Yeah." "You know when they show pictures of God, they all have long hair." "You know, they didn't care so much about their look." "They wore wraps, they grew their hair long." "Just say something controversial into the camera." "You mother fuckers in the Middle East, god help you if I ever come over there 'cos I'll take all you cocksuckers out." "Boyakasha!" "Check it out." "I is 'ere with none other than my main man Buzz Aldrin." "I know this is a sensitive question, but what was it like not being the first man on the moon?" "Was you ever jealous of Louis Armstrong?" "It was Neil Armstrong and no, I was not jealous." "He was a very, very qualified person." " Whatever." "So, when you arrived on the moon, was the people who lived there very friendly or was they scared of you?" "There was absolutely no thought of encountering any living being whatsoever." "Do you think man will ever walk on the sun?" "No." "The sun is too hot." "It is not a good place to go to." "What happens if they went in winter, when the sun is cold?" "The sun is not cold in the winter." "Me know you's been axed this a zillion times, it must really get on your tits being axed it, but let's just sort it out." "What do you say to all those conspiracy theorists who come up to you and say:" "'Does the moon really exist?" "'" "I don't think there are very many people who question whether the moon exists." "It exists." "Alright, you is heard it here." "It does exist so all those people out there who is saying it don't, you is wrong." "That's right." "The moon does exist and we went there." "Yo, listen up." "But how do they really know what is exists and what is the conspiracy things?" "'Cos I know I 'as seen a picture of J-Lo with two, massive geezer's dongs there and apparently it weren't true." "I haven't seen those pictures." "Well you should check them out, it's amazing." "Okay." "Is you upset that Michael Jackson got all the credit for inventing the Moonwalk but you was the first geezer ever to actually do it?" "No." "You can call things by different names and you can use the moon or Mars or Venus and you could say, this is the 'Venus Trot' but that doesn't mean that it has any connection to what it would be like" "for a horse moving on Venus." "Yo." " Who could... the horse could trot on Venus, right?" "Except it's very, very hot." "There's horse on Venus?" "No, no, no, I'm just..." "Neither is Michael Jackson on the moon." "I is got a joke about space." "You wanna hear it?" "There is a monster from outer space who is going on a trip round the universe." "And him goes to the travel booker to book like a hotel on the moon and the travel booker goes:" "'You can't go to that hotel 'cos the moon is full.'" "That's pretty good, the moon is full." " That is, that is so wicked." "And the opposite of the moon being full is the new moon." "What?" "That's when it's dark." "What does you mean?" "The full moon is when it's bright." "Okay?" "And the hotel on the full moon is full." "What I thought it means, it's like..." "I thought it's funny 'cos he means he's like full, he's like been eating, eating stuff, he's all well full and everything." "No, the hotel is full." "So, but why is it funny 'cos the hotel is full?" "I wasn't sure that it was funny." "You said it was funny." "Why is it funny again?" "Things are funny or comedic because they mix the real with the absurd." "So listen up." "You has heard about the moon and about space." "You better learn about these fings from my man Buzz Lightyear here." "So you better realize that these things is important." "Big up yourself." "And, me has got one other request which me would love you to do." "Me wanna get all like respected people to do two lines of a rap." "So I has written something like that..." "Like 'word up me name be James Lipton'." "I think, I may have spelt it wrong." "'Giving mad props', you know what mad props is?" "Respect!" "Yeah, I know." " 'Mad Props to Shakespeare" ".. check it just 'cos you like acting,' that's to the people out there, 'it don't mean you is a queer.'" "No, I'm gonna do another one" "'Yo, you out there now listen to me." "Just do like me and my bro, the MC," "Think my friends, consider, reflect, Give mad props to the world" "Translation" " Respect.'" "Fresh."