"A week ago, the show Inside Probe... aired part one of an investigation they shot eight years back... about the disappearance of Crab Shack owner Ernie Belcher." "It's on!" "The second part is really on!" "Hmm." "I guess we are in the central time zone." "Sorry for doubting you, Sam." "Last week's episode of Inside Probe was our highest rated ever." "It seems all of America wanted to know... what happened to this man eight years ago" "Camden's popular restaurant owner Ernie Belcher." "It seemed like everyone we talked to in the small town of Camden loved Ernie..." " from dirtbags" " Everyone loved Ernie." "He was funny." " to the mentally disabled" " Ernie taught me how to tie my shoes." "I've known him for a long time." "Almost two years." " to coworkers" " Ernie was a genius." " to hot women" " Ernie was cool." "to NASCARdrivers" "I met Ernie at a autograph signing, and we just hit it off." " and even a so-called celebrity." " I liked Ernie." "Ernie was a respected businessman and beloved member of the community." "Or was he?" "Because on the warm summer night of April 9, 2001..." "Ernie Belcher vanished." "But how could hejust evaporate into thin air?" "Was he murdered?" "The Camden police sure thought so." "And their investigation led them to these two men." "Angry letters from Randy Hickey found in Ernie's office... uncovered a motive for murder." "How dare you stop providing free toothpicks?" "How dare you only serve my favorite item- fish wings- on "Wenedsdays"?" "Had Randy Hickey murdered Ernie in his outrage... over the lack of toothpicks and fish wings in the Crab Shack?" "The Camden police sure thought so." "And after 24 hours of interrogation... they had a forced confession to prove it." "Then we did it!" "We killed Ernie!" "Randy Hickey, town simpleton, had confessed." "He and his brother, Earl, were notorious lowlifes in Camden." "And the arrest sent the town of Camden into virtual chaos." "I'm freaking out." "I've seen those boys." "The dancers at the club call them "Mustache" and "B.O."" "I call them "B.O. One" and "B.O. Two. "" "The fact that they murdered someone is the least of their problems." "I hope those Hickey boys fry for what they did." "I'm gonna miss Ernie." "He was a gentleman." "I remember one time..." "I was performing a sexual act on him, and it started to rain... and he held his shirt out over my head so my hair wouldn't get wet." "Oh, made me feel a little bit like a princess." "And with the cheapest lawyer in town at their side..." " it wasn't looking good for the Hickey brothers." " Oh." "But the Hickey brothers were provided with an alibi from a reliable witness... two-time Daytona 500 winner Michael Waltrip... whose testimony counts for as much as three regular Americans." "Fortunately for those guys, I'm a bit of a shutterbug, and I had my camera with me." "I got a pretty complete record of what happened that night." "The police were stymied and gave up their case." "How is it possible that Ernie Belcher could simply disappear?" "Inside Probe decided to dig... a little deeper... into the Earth... to find the treasure chest... of the truth... of this mystery." "Tonight on Inside Probe." "My name is Earl." "I can't wait to find out who killed Ernie." "I'm just glad it wasn't me." "Although that would've been an awesome twist... 'cause I've always thought I was such a nice guy." "I bet it was the Cheese Grater Killer that got Ernie." "Remember that time in the parking lot... we found that big pile of ground beef with the sock in it?" "I hope that wasn't Ernie, 'cause I ate that." "And I'm wearing that sock." "We don't even know if he's dead." "It could be a perfectly normal thing, like the government forced him to leave town... change his identity, marry a hot blonde." "Who marries a hot blonde and doesn't brag about it?" "I mean, you get a trophy, you put it on a shelf." "Ernie was our friend." "If he was still alive, he would've found a way to get in touch with us." "And if all he did was move away, he would've said good-bye." "I'm sticking with the Cheese Grater." "So once it was established that the Hickey boys were not responsible... which came as a shock to everyone here at Inside Probe... our investigation moved on to something a little more... out of this world." "Well, Randy's got an interesting hypo- poth- uh, hyp- uh-hypo... thesis." "A" " A theory." "Aliens, from outer space." "Stories of alien abduction are nothing new." "Even cavemen recorded these primitive drawings of the phenomena." "You can ask my wife all about it." "She saw some sort of alien thing, right on that very night." "That's a great 'stache, by the way." "Do you put some kind of conditioner on that?" "Yes, but it's very expensive." "It was this strange whooshing noise, then a loud boom." "Then I saw these amazing lights." "For a minute there, I thought it was Jesus." "But then why wouldn't he just say, " Hey, Joy." "What's up?" So it must've been aliens." "Yeah, I was coming out of the Crab Shack... fixing to sell Wilfrid Dierkes some muscle relaxants... which were reallyjust leftover birth control pills... when we were both awestruck by this blinding light from above." "While officially the police discounted the alien theory... there was one officer who had a different point of view." "I remember that night well." "Earlier, the captain was giving out assignments... and one of us had to go investigate... some sort of underground gay homosexual party at the park." "And I drew the long straw, so I was forced to do it." "Isn't it usually the short straw that loses?" "No." "It's the long straw." "The long straw loses." " We set up some surveillance cameras ahead of time." "And then, to make sure that I would blend in with the gay-sexuals, I went undercover." "Nothing criminal seemed to be going on." "Just a lot of well-built men letting off some steam." "And then I ended up being the meat in a dance sandwich." "It was terrible." "Where'd you get that shirt?" "To stay in character was one of the toughest professional challenges of my career." "Whoo!" "Then suddenly, there were these incredibly bright lights in the sky." "I didn't know what to think." "One of the guys said it was like being at a Cher concert... but all I could think was..." "U.F.O.'s." "Aliens were spotted all over Camden... including at the Crab Shack, the night of Ernie's disappearance." "I remember that night." "I was working on the Crab Shack bathroom." "I had just finished pouring the new cement floor... and I was heading out to my truck, when I saw the flash in the sky." "It about blinded me, and I was, like, "Whoa!" "I need to get some Radnor 6400 welding goggles. "" "You know what I'm saying?" "I saw a U.F.O. once." "It was like a big, silver football." "It was from the planet Goodyear." "See, I tried to shoot it down... but their force field technology must have been too strong." "It turns out that in Camden... it's harder to find someone who had not seen a U.F. O..." " than somebody who had." " Next!" "Oh, I believe in alien life." "I've seen some freaky-deaky things in my day." "And just when you think you've seen it all... along comes a guy with a green wiener." "Explain that." "Aliens." "Listen, don't believe too much of what you hear around here." "Forty percent of the town, including the mayor... claim they've seen a leprechaun in the woods." "Trust me, Ernie wasn't abducted by aliens." "But I'll tell you what I think happened to him" "What was Darnell Turner about to say... before we realized this would be a good dramatic breaking point?" "If it wasn't a U.F.O. that took Ernie, then where is he?" "Is it possible that Ernie's disappearance is a result of the Civil War?" "We'll stick the probe even deeper inside... when Inside Probe returns." "What in the hell were you about to say?" "Darnell, what were you about to say on that TV show?" "I don't remember what I said." "Eight years is a long time ago." "The mystery of Ernie Belcher's disappearance was raising more questions than answers." "Was it murder?" "Was it alien abduction?" "Or could it have been something of historic proportion?" "History." "During the Civil War, Camden County was reluctant... to make a commitment to either the North or the South... so they decided to create a neutral country of their own... a tiny nation they would call "the Central. "" "Even though it happened over a hundred years ago..." "Ernie was profoundly loyal to the Central." "He even flew the Central flag on the roof." "Central is number one!" "Central is number one!" "Whoo!" "My great-great-great-great-great" "Wait, that's too many." "He was my great-great" "Anyway, he was around during the Civil War... and- and he led the Central." "General Jefferson Washington Hickey, leader of the Central." "We shall not be forced to pick sides... between the North's industrial economy... or the South's tradition of slavery." "We deserve and demand and shall have both." "It's sad, you know, 'cause my great-great whatever" "Hejust wanted to get the North and South to come to an agreement." "And the North and South did come to an agreement... that they needed to massacre the Central." "The Central was formed at 3:30 on March 10, 1861." "By 3:45, it was gone." "Like I said, Ernie insisted on flying the flag of the Central on the Crab Shack roof... even though some people thought it was an embarrassment to the town's history." "It's not an embarrassment." "When the Civil War II starts, the Central will rise again." "Rise again!" "People get pretty worked up." "If you really wanna talk to somebody about Central pride, you should talk to Ernie." "Oh, he-he's missing, isn't he?" "That-That's the whole reason you're here." "I just got carried away with all that Central stuff." "Earl Hickey!" "Hey, man." "Can't you see I'm doing an interview with Gerardo?" "Sorry 'bout that." "So, was it overzealous loyalty that led to the end of Ernie?" "Or was it something darker?" "Could it have been Ernie's involvement in the world of underground kinky sex?" "I'd bet on the sex." "He had a Internet business that catered to clientele of straight-up freaks." "Just how freaky was Ernie Belcher?" "Pretty freaky." "We will be right back." "All right, everybody." "I got $20 that Ernie was that torso... they found floating in the Camden swamp." "I got 20 that he was torn to shreds by that half-dog, half-coyote... that hangs out behind the truck stop." "You think Dog-ote did it?" "You can't take bets on what happened to Ernie." "Why not?" "We took bets on what was wrong with that blue kid we found at the park." "But this is different." "Ernie was a friend." "He was part of our everyday lives." "I" " I don't know about you guys, but that matters to me." "Hush up, princess." "It's coming back on." "If Ernie Belcher's mysterious disappearance... was not a result of anti-Centralist zealotry... could it be because this pillar of the community... had a secret, darker side?" "For anyone out there who is not aware... of the vast array of pornography on the Internet... you're about to become far less productive." "Ernie had a little side business where he shot fetish videos and sold 'em on his Web site." "I starred in some." "Made a little money on the side." "It got a little weird." " Who's been a bad boy?" " Me." "Right-Right here." "I've" " I've been a bad boy." "Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep... yep, yep, yep, yep, yep... yep, yep, yep, yep, yep." "Yeah, I was in some of Ernie's videos." "He told me I could have all the free crabs I could eat forever." "Of course, Ernie's missing now... and apparently he never told anyone else who works here about it!" "So I'm a little pissed about that." "Oh, man." "It's a size 11 from, like, 1988." "And look, it's filled with macaroni and cheese." "This is gonna be so good." "Mmm." "Wow, this is good." "Do I really get to eat the whole shoe full?" "No, I didn't appear in any of Ernie's sex videos." "Are you pretty?" "Yes, I'm pretty." "Yeah, I did some kinky videos for Ernie." "I mean, how often is it that you get to work with a real TV star?" "Nice." "I don't remember doing any fetish videos." "Of course, I'm told I was on a show called Parker Lewis Can't Lose for three years... and I don't remember that either." "Can you think of anyone involved in this who might have wanted Ernie gone?" "Oh, hell." "Anybody who might've found out about his hidden cameras in the bathroom." " What?" " He had secret hidden cameras all over the women's bathroom." "When I found out, I almost killed him my own self." "Why didn't you say anything about this before?" "He paid me off not to tell the other girls." "That's why I always peed in the alley." " Can you show me?" " Well, I don't really have to go right now." "But if you buy me a beer, I'll see what I can work up." " I meant, can you show me the hidden cameras?" " Oh." "Well, buy me a beer, and I'll show you." "Inside Probe went to work and found all of Ernie's hidden cameras." "Yep." "They're all still here." "There's overheads one, two, three." "Then there's the behind-the-mirror cam." "And the pee-pee cam." "And we probed a little deeper and found something else." "A videotape, just as I suspected." "Could Ernie's sick, perverted, hidden bathroom tapes... finally shed some light on his disappearance?" "Sure, there were innocent things... like a drunken Randy Hickey stealing tampons and sanitary napkins." "A local stripper trying to hide the shame ofher secret eating." "A daytime prostitute having a working lunch." "Earl Hickey hiding in the bathroom... after snatching a bottle ofbooze from behind the bar." "The hidden cameras even caught an icon of American television... putting on his game face." "Never show weakness." "Never show weakness." "You're a rock star." "You're Geraldo Rivera." "This is what they pay you, because you're worth it." "Someone's in here." "It's not Geraldo." "Hidden cameras, historical grudges, lights in the sky... a bathroom that was being remodeled." "Four seemingly random events... until we revisited an interview we had done with the black coworker... who, at the time, we assumed was giving us a fake alibi." "Every night at closing time, I had to go up on the roof... to take down the flag of the Central... or else someone would snatch it and destroy it." "I saw some malcontent trying to pull down the flag... and while I agreed with his sentiment, it was my duty to protect Ernie's property." "So I attacked him with lethal precision." "He was a worthy opponent, and our fight caused us to fall into the flagpole." "The flagpole hit the power line, and there was a pretty big explosion." "This would explain the U.F.O. that several people saw that night." "And you might be asking, what does any of this have to do with Ernie?" "Well, we're about to show you." "These were victim Ernie Belcher's final moments." "Here you see Ernie enter the bathroom." "It's awkward because he's avoiding the wet cement." "He's presumably going to change the tape in his hidden VCR... when suddenly he is startled by a commotion on the roof." "As the battle on the roof raged on, the power went out... and, unable to see, Ernie lost his footing." "And for the semiconscious Ernie Belcher... the harsh reality was sinking in." "As was his body." "Wow." "I always thought that was a nose-shaped doorstop." "I can't believe it." "Ernie's been right here in the Crab Shack for eight years, and nobody knew it." "You know what's so funny?" "For years I've been using that thing to clean gum off the bottom of my shoes." "Well, Ernie, the Crab Shack was always a part of you." "Now you will always be a part of the Crab Shack." "We can finally give you a real good-bye." "Good-bye, friend." "You got a little" "I got it." "Well, boss... you died like a hero from the Central- quickly and in the bathroom." "Later, Ernie." "Say hey to Grandma Nancy for me." "Unless, by some miracle, you ended up in heaven." "Good-bye, pal." "Just in case there's some chance that you're alive down there, breathing through your nose..." "I want you to know that I forgive you for the toothpicks... but I will never forgive you for the fish wings." "Shh."