"That's me hanging with my most precious gift, my daughter, Maron." "I guess I'm a cross between a single dad and a single mom, and I have been for some time now." "I'm privileged, I'm blessed, I'm responsible, I'm happy." "God, I love her." "She's the only little girl that I know that, while playing dress-up, wore my baseball cleats as high heels." "Where's her mother?" "Well, it took making this movie to really answer that question." "I don't know, but maybe every community, on some level, resembles Happy Valley." "And the prescription was for, like, 10 of these Lortab." "So 10 pain pills." "And so I thought, "Well, you know what?" "The guy just writes it with a pen." "We'll just get a pen, and we'll just change the prescription, " you know?" "And he's like, "What do you mean?" "We can't write another one," you know?" "So my buddy goes, "Well, let's just do this."" "He took out his pen, and he's got the actual prescription." "Where it says at the bottom, "Dispense 10,"" "he takes the 10, and he changes the 1 to a 7." "So instead of getting 10, it was 70 Lortab... 7. 5." "And it looked horrible." "'Cause the 10 was, like, straight up, you know?" "And usually a 7 is kind of at an angle." "And so it was this..." "like an upside down "L" for the 10." "I mean, it was horrible." "Anybody could..." "So I'm going, "You got to be kidding me." "We take this in," "I mean, instantly you're gonna get caught."" "He goes, "No." "This will work."" "So I said, "Well, you got to be careful where you take it."" "So we literally shopped around to find a pharmacy where it would be the lowest risk of getting caught." "And so we went down, and there was a pharmacy in Mapleton that we found." "We went in there, and there was this lady that was 104 if she was..." "I'm not kidding." "She actually, I think, started pharmacies in the United States." "She's the first pharmacy in Utah." "He goes in there with this stupid prescription." "It looked horrible." "This lady..." "I don't think she could see." "She goes, "Okay, well, youse want to wait a few minutes."" "Oh, that's quite a few pain pills."" "I was out in the car just sweating, waiting." "He was in there for a quite a while." "I thought, "He got caught."" "I'm just waiting for something to happen." "All of a sudden I see the front door's opened." "He comes out going, " I told you!" "She's so old, she..."" "And he got 70 Lor..." "And that was the start of this whole ridiculous thing." "So if you were to look at your history..." "How many drugs have you taken?" "Do you know?" "I've probably eaten your weight in pain pills." "That's a lot." "Well, you're not a small man." "And I'm just gonna say, from this standpoint, don't be afraid to miss a meal here and there." "But no." "And that's just a health issue more than anything." "I mean, I remember that one time you and I were in Vegas." "You about killed me when I stepped in front of you at the buffet line." "There's no need for that, Ron." "There's plenty for everybody." "That's what it is... a buffet." "I've lived here most of my life." "And there's a lot of things I like about it." "I've traveled around quite a bit, but I've always come back." "I feel like it's a safe place to raise my children." "It's a close-knit community." "Our neighborhood is great." "It just has a good feel to it." "Good atmosphere." "Utah's a beautiful state." "A really nice place to come to." "As they say, "The best snow on earth."" "I'm not Mormon, but I like the values of the LDS religion." "I like it a lot." "Mostly because of the nature, you know?" "We got the mountains 10 minutes away, the lake 2 minutes away." "It's a good place to live." "You know, it's really clean, really nice." "It's a whole lot different than back home." "Well, I would say that it goes back to when they first came across the Plains and got here." "They wanted to build a utopian society, which is really, really wonderful, and it's the dream of every person on the planet to do so." "But the problem is, is in creating the Z CMI and doing all of that, they were isolated from the rest of the world for so long that, generation after generation, they created and defined their own culture." "Utah definitely has a closed mind-set." "Definitely." "Very set in their ways." "And it's this way or no way." "The alcohol laws here are just outrageously crazy." " They make no sense." " How do they work?" "I mean, such as, you know, you can walk into a bar and you can't even buy a pitcher here anymore unless you have more than three people in your group." "I can drink as much..." "I drink a pitcher of beer, and to me it's like drinking a regular beer to a small guy." "We're sheltered, but I'm not naive enough to say that we have no drugs, we have no gangs, that we don't have our issues." "We were the first black family in our neighborhood." "And, I mean, seriously, the kids would come over to look at us, you know?" "And the little boy asked my little brother," ""Doesn't that wash off?"" "I do think that there's a problem with denial with the drug use that happens here." "I grew up here." "I've gone through the school system." "I also teach in Las Vegas." "And I think the big difference is people down there are willing to face and admit that there's a lot of things going on around them, where here sometimes, I think, people don't want to believe that their community" "could have a problem with that kind of stuff." "And therein lies a lot of what the problem is, in all honesty." "It comes to mind that there is a significant problem and that a lot of people are pretending not to know that there is a problem." "There's a part of me that wants to say that there's no way it can happen because of our religious beliefs and the way we raise our kids." "Yeah, there is an issue with denial in terms of drug abuse." "And it's really hard, especially in our culture, especially with our religious beliefs, how that's looked down upon, that kind of..." "It's really hard for people, I'm sure, that deal with drug-abuse issues, because they don't know how to overcome it, and they don't know where to go." "They don't want to talk about it because they feel embarrassed or guilty." "Well, to be honest with you," "I just got released from jail today, okay?" "I was in jail on a marijuana charge." "And that was two years ago, and I just avoided it till now." "While I was in there," "I saw major heroin and cocaine withdrawals from probably 40 inmates there." "So I would definitely say that's a major influence now." "The methadone, the heroin, the OxyContins." "It is..." "That's the thing." "It's a pill thing." "It's not your normal street." "So that's one of the difficulties." "And I think there's a part of Utah County that wants to say," ""No." "That doesn't exist."" "The reality of it is, it's horrible here." "Horrible." "Let's see." "This is still Christmas Day." "I had the digital camera, so I took this picture." "Right after I took that picture," "I saw this little quirk of a smile." "These pictures are all taken Christmas Day 2004." "That would be the last Christmas before she died." "When she was little, it was just like a rope tied to her." "And everywhere Mom went, Amelia went." "And..." "I don't know that she ever got over that." "She always understood..." "We never had battles or fights or anything." "We always just, as Michael said, we just got along beautifully." "She got her driver's license." "We wanted to go buy..." "She wanted to get a car." "So we started going car shopping." "Well, the car she liked was a little Mazda Protege, and it had a 5- speed transmission." "And teaching her how to drive a manual transmission was an experience." "It took us probably a week or two to get where she was really comfortable and felt good about it." " What?" " Two days." "And I was the one who taught her how to drive with a stick shift." "Yes." "She caught on very quickly." "But the thing that was interesting is, she wrecked that car." "We met in ninth grade." "And we actually..." "I remember meeting her." "We were in French class." "And we were..." "We ended up becoming partners for something." "I forgot what it was." "But we just loved each other right from the start." "If one of us were walking down the hallway, and they didn't see the other one with us, they'd be, "Where's Amelia?"" "Or "Where's Macall?"" "And we were just inseparable." "We were always together." "Amelia loved Macall." "She just loved Macall." "I n fact, one of the last things we said to Amelia..." "Michael was joking with her and said," ""Don't you think you've seen enough of Macall this weekend?"" "And I said that, and she said," ""You can't ever get enough of Macall."" "And that was the last thing she said to me." "We didn't plan on using drugs or anything." "But I ended up talking to Amelia, and I told her that my parents were going out of town for the weekend." "And she said that she had..." "She wanted to get high." "And she wanted to use heroin." "And I told her, "Okay, well, I can get it."" "I saw the two girls, and I said..." "And I had a bad feeling." "And I remember saying..." "I was..." "I just was worried about Macall for some reason." "And I called Amelia up, and I said," ""Amelia, will you make sure that Macall doesn't do any more drugs." "I'm really worried about her, that she's gonna die."" "And Amelia said, "Yeah." "I'll make sure of that."" "We had asked Amelia several times about Macall and her drugs." "Amelia said that she was doing fine, that she was being tested, and she was clean." "And everything seemed to be going well." "She just used used them recreationally." "She would use them once in a while at parties and..." "Or when she and I were together." "That whole weekend was her first time shooting up." "It was the first time using syringes." "All I remember is just teaching her how to shoot up." "And then I shot up." "And that's it." "And then I ended up going downstairs because I wanted to be with my boyfriend." "Macall had a boyfriend who did not do drugs at all." "I don't know how he didn't know Macall was doing them." "It's almost impossible for him not to have known." "LDS." "I n the Church." "I'm an Eagle Scout." "Good kid in school." "Got good grades." "Averaged a 3. 3 GPA." "Played football." "Just a normal, you know..." "Normal good kid with no drug involvements." "Did you ever sense that she was on drugs?" "I asked her." "I'm like, "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"" "Like, "How many drugs have you done?"" "Just to find out." "And she didn't lie to me at all." "She said, " I've pretty much tried everything." "But that's in my past, and I'm moving forward."" "It's gonna be a mystery that we will never be able to solve." "Because we honestly thought that Macall had gotten over the drugs." "You know, Amelia was there trying to help her." "And somehow, for whatever reason, she turns around and pulls Amelia... gets Amelia to go right down with her." "This came from the police... and so we kind of assume that it has to be there's some fact to it... that Macall and Amelia took heroin." "Macall injected Amelia because Amelia couldn't do it." "When you overdose, you usually do it right there and then." "Because I've overdosed myself." "She never told me that she was sick." "She never told me that she felt anything." "She just seemed like she was fine." "We had perfectly normal conversations." "And so I just left her upstairs." "And then about 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning," "Macall and her boyfriend came upstairs and found Amelia passed out on the kitchen floor." "You know, then she started breathing a little funny." "I'm like, "We should seriously call somebody."" "You know, she's unconscious." "We can't even get her to respond to anything." "She's like, "No, it'll be okay." "She'll be okay."" "I felt for..." "I just..." "The feeling that I had inside was..." "It was just so awful." "Just seeing my friend on the floor." "And Jasen said, "We ought to call 911."" "And Macall said no." "I was scared to death." "Never seen someone like that in my life." "Not knowing what's wrong and not knowing it's a drug overdose." "You know, not knowing how to help this person." "Yeah, calling 911, that was my first thing, but I was told not to." "And, so, trying to help them the best I could." "It's scary just not getting a response out of a person, 'cause never seen that before, and you see it all of a sudden." "It's just like, what do you do?" "I thought that she was gonna come back." "I thought she was gonna come to." "And..." "She..." "We ended up moving her over to the couch 'cause..." "And we fell asleep beside her." "And the next morning, we woke up, and she was blue and black in the face." "She was gone." "After that," "I'm not sure exactly what took place between Macall and Jasen." "They decided that they had to get rid of the body." "They took her body up to the "Bountiful"... up by the "B" in "Bountiful"..." "and tried to hide it." "Buried it." "Tried to cover it with weeds and twigs and all those things." "And then Tuesday came, and we had..." "All of the news media were here Tuesday morning wanting to talk about what was going on." "And  someone said, "Did you know they found a body?"" "And I just thought, "Well, that's it, then." "I don't need to talk anymore on the TV, because that's it." "She's gone."" "And soon after that, South Jordan police came." "And he sat down." "And we took each other's hand." "And the officer looked at me, and he said..." " It was a chaplain." " Chaplain." "Looked at me, and he said," ""We found Amelia." "She's dead."" "And the shock and the horror of hearing what you knew you were gonna hear, but you just kept hoping against hope you wouldn't hear." "The shock is so painful that you can't move." "And you just sit there as this wave goes down." "Starts at the top of your head and goes down through your whole body like an electric shock." "And then he showed us her picture." "And  her face was swollen and bruised." "And I found out later they had touched up the photo so it wasn't as bad as what it really was." "And you're just going, "What happened?" "What happened to Amelia?" "Why does her face look like that?"" "They couldn't tell me." "They didn't say anything." "It was weeks... weeks..." "before the medical examiner..." "It was August." "Second week in August." "But the police told us kind of what happened a week later." ""She died peacefully on the couch, " they said." "You don't die peacefully on the couch and have this horrendous wound on your head." "She would have had to recover from a concussion had she lived." "The medical examiner said it could have been caused by when she passed out." "Hitting the kitchen floor." "I think it was caused by something entirely different." "The cops ended up coming to my house, and they asked me to submit to a lie-detector test." "And I said I would." "Monday night she told me, "What do you want me to do?"" "'Cause she had to go in to take a lie-detector's test." "I told her that night, "Just tell them."" "I'm like, "Just tell them the truth." "I can't take this anymore."" "I'm like, "This is killing me inside."" "And I guess..." "I don't know if she did or not." "And then Tuesday, early morning, I couldn't take it anymore." "I called my mom." "I told her everything." "And I ended up going in and just turning myself in and telling the whole story." "So here's the big question, Jasen." "What do you take responsibility for from that night?" "Everything." "All my actions I did." "I know what I did was wrong." "Absolutely." "I'm not gonna try to deny anything I did was right." "There's no way I can justify that." "And then the next morning when I was supposed to go," "I had woke up and I told my dad the entire story about everything that had happened." "I just remember being so sick because..." "And so sad." "I was so scared to tell my dad about what had happened." "I was just in a state of shock." "And he ended up crying." "He told me he couldn't believe it." "He called my lawyer, and he came to the house." "And I had to tell him the whole story about what had happened." "And then the police came, and they searched the whole house." "They dusted the whole house down." "And they ended up arresting me, and I went to jail." "And I remember the whole thing being on the news and seeing it while I was being booked into jail." "And I was so scared." "Scared to death." "I wasn't thinking." "I was completely lost." "I was..." "I was so high." "I did not make good decisions at all that night." "I wish so badly that I could rewind the whole thing and bring back my friend." "Since I've been in prison, my father hasn't written me letters." "I've written him." "I don't know if he's out of town or if he's angry at me." "I don't know." "What would you say to your dad" "If you could talk to your dad right now?" "What would you say?" "If I could talk to my dad, I would tell him how sorry I am." "And how I want nothing more than to make him proud." "Do you believe that Amelia did drugs before?" "Do I believe she did drugs before?" "Before that night?" "Hard drugs?" "No, she never did any hard drugs." "We know that she had smoked some marijuana." "We know that she had done some Ecstasy when she was... when her and Macall were sophomores." "We know that that took place." "Amelia told us, and we had talked about it." "And we thought that that part of her life was over." "So..." "And it was." "Yeah." "I mean, as far as..." "Yeah." "I think Macall planned it." "Like I said, it was the first time she'd been alone in the house." "And when Jasen wanted to call, she came up with all these reasons why Jasen couldn't possibly call." "For four hours Amelia lay there, struggling to breathe, fighting for life even though she was unconscious." "And neither one of them lifted a finger to save her." "How do you feel about Macall now?" "I don't think Macall has a soul." "I don't know who or what she is." "I call her one of the undead." "She doesn't have a soul." "She doesn't care about anybody but herself." "I was told that after..." "When Jasen found Amelia dead, the only thing Macall could think of..." "She didn't grieve." "She didn't say, "Oh, dear" or "Oh, my" or "Oh, Amelia."" "She said, "We've got to get this body out of this house before my dad gets home."" "Heroin or opiates or those types of the OxyContins can be reversed." "Overdoses can be reversed with drugs that paramedics keep." "They can be virtually brought back to life by using Narcan and different things that paramedics have." "Heroin is a central nervous system depressant." "It basically shuts down various functions of the brain." "It is not going to be that spectacular." "I mean..." "And it's easy to miss it." "You know, this person may just sort of nod off and..." "You know, unless you're paying attention to see if they're breathing, they may just look like they're happily passed out on the couch." "We're dealing with good kids." "Normal kids." "Kids that you never would imagine getting into a drug environment." "And they're starting out experimenting with small things that usually leads them into a direction they never would have seen themselves." "I'd sit down with parents and say," ""These are the things that you need to look for in this kind of a drug problem."" "Show them what the paraphernalia looks like and describe it." "Usually a parent can get up and walk in the kid's room and come out with a handful of that kind of stuff." "Marijuana pipe." "Kind of cutesy." "This pot pipe was actually made at a high school shop." "Zig-Zags for rolling marijuana." "Very common." "A small scale for the personal drug user who wants to make sure that he's not getting shorted." "Crack pipe or crank pipe." "These little glass vials you can actually buy at a 7-Eleven." "And if you look at the front of the desk, there's these little roses inside a glass vial." "They're not selling the rose." "They're selling a crack pipe." "Do you have any light bulbs missing?" "How about spoons?" "These are things I didn't know." "I had spoons come up missing." "I'm like, "What's going on here?" "My kids aren't little anymore." You know?" "Cellphone bills." "Gasoline." "You know?" "How much gas are they using?" "How many miles are they putting on their car?" "My son designed this tattoo because he wanted to be a tattoo artist and own a tattoo parlor at one time." "So I went and had a tattoo put on." "This is supposed to be C. B. B., but I think it's a little infected at the moment." "This picture was taken in Africa." "We had it blown up and had it down at his wake." "I mean, we had a celebration of his life rather than a funeral." "And..." "There was every kind of kid and parent there." "From all walks of life." "From all..." "Every different kind of dress and  every different kind of parent." "That's what he taught us, though, is acceptance, you know?" "He just wanted people to be accepted for who they are and how they were or how they dressed." "Somebody who uses drugs isn't just hanging out in a dark corner with just a few people, you know?" "It can be anybody." "We were actually in Phoenix." "We had gotten back from Africa, and we'd left him home alone to be with his sister." "She was watching him, and David and I were in Phoenix." "And he had gone to work that night, was supposed to be home." "And Brianne got a phone call." "He didn't come home at noon?" "Or midnight." "He was supposed to be home by midnight." "And apparently he had bought some cocaine the night before with a group of kids." "He had driven to Sugarhouse and bought a rock." "He came home alone, did the coke for whatever reason." "What made him do it, why he wanted to do it that night..." "'Cause we thought he was pretty drug-free at that point." "And he brought it home, did it himself at home." "He was alone." "He got in the bathtub." "They said maybe the heat on top of the coke took his life." "They found him in the bathtub." "Found him in the upstairs bathroom." "Just white as a sheet." "And I knew when I first saw him that he was gone." "And my son and Bree were out in the car." "The hardest thing I've ever had to do was go out and tell Bree that her brother had died." "Our son was Colton Ben Berger." "Born on April 8, 1989." "He passed away of an accidental overdose of drugs on January 28, 2006." "I think his real aspiration in life was to help people." "And he'll never..." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "... have the chance to do that." "I could probably walk into any high school in this state and find it within five minutes." "You know, the problem is, is that everybody's doing them." "Kids that were the stoners." "People in band." "Computer nerds." "The football team." "You know, just normal, unsuspecting kids that you just expect to be good high school students that were all on these crazy drugs." "I have yet to find a high school, public or private, that does not have drugs accessible and that there is not active drug use going on." "If you were a new student in a new high school, and you really wanted to find any of these drugs," "I would bet that it would take you just a matter of hours." "When this was going on, I said, "We're gonna change schools." "It's just that simple."" "And he said, "You know, Dad, you can get drugs anywhere, anytime you want."" "This person writes, "Your life brought us life." "Hope you're running naked in heaven." "I love you and miss you." "Kyle."" "I'll eat my hat if I find the drug addict that's not addicted to sugar." "If you are always on a high-sugar food, you know that if you're a little depressed and a little blue and a little tired, all you have to go is eat a bunch of M  M's and a lot of soda pop, with caffeine in it, if possible." "And so you're already training your body to look at food as a pharmaceutical way to whip a dead horse." "And I think the next stage might be prescription drugs." "And I think we need to look at it." "I think we're a nation in deep, deep distress." "If we want to truly help drug addicts," "I think we need to look at the nutritional aspect." "Is it the mind or the body?" "I think it's both." "And a body will not work well with poor food." "I personally almost became addicted to painkillers when I got hurt." "Because 2:00 in the morning, it numbs your emotional pain, as well as your physical pain." "And then as the physical pain lessens, the emotional pain can pretty much stay the same." "And, you know, that pill makes the emotional pain go away." "I had a really good doctor, and he probably stopped me just a couple pills away from becoming addicted to the painkillers." "So now I have to be really, really careful with them." "And now I prefer..." "Food is my addiction of choice." "How does that work for you?" "Well, from a disability standpoint, it's a major drawback." "Because it makes everything I have to do more difficult 'cause I'm trying to move a large body with just half my... with just my arms." "And, so, I love my food." "I n a way, it's my best friend, and it's my worst enemy." "You know, when I walk in, and I see 20 different people..." "And to me, they're just 20 different people." "But when you start to get to know them, they're 20 people you love." "And they're all so different." "And if that could be outside of here, we wouldn't feel so rotten about ourselves." "And the guilt." "There was a time I ruined a business, moved back in with my parents." "So now and then, I'd go get a hotel room." "Just so I could go drink." "And I remember one time feeling so guilty about what I was doing," "I couldn't sleep in the hotel room." "I went out and slept in my truck." "'Cause I didn't feel I deserved to sleep on that bed, with the TV and all that." "Where does that come from?" "The upbringing here?" "What is it?" "Oh, definitely." "You know, Happy Valley and Guilt Valley." "I mean, the guilt is..." "My sister has moved to California, and she won't come back because of it." "She doesn't want to be judged for every little thing she does." "I think everybody in this state needs to look in the mirror and quit looking through the windows." "You'd be surprised how much gas this uses and how much..." "we'll call him "Greg"... how much gas his car uses." "I don't know if you can see him up in his car, but Greg's got one of these little weighted deals." "And when you're sick and you're anticipating going up and getting drugs or whatever, he takes his little deal and he does these reverse tricep curls to take his mind off this whole process of being sick and going up." "It's just something to do to keep you occupied kind of thing." "Because I'll meet him sometimes, and he's just..." "I mean, just shaking." "Just shaking like a leaf." "When I'm out of doctor-prescribed pain medicine, then I'll have to go a few days or a week or whatever of doing this, you know?" "And so it'll be..." "You know, we'll come up, and then we won't be up here for another, you know, maybe a week or two." "And then there's been times where, you know," "I've had enough pain medicine to get off of the other stuff and gone a month without the other." "And then you run out of that, and then you get sucked right back into it because you just can't break that cycle of being sick and getting off of opiates, you know?" "Maybe I always haven't been the best husband, but my kids love me." "If somebody were to take me today, you know, one thing that I do know will be said about me is that" ""the guy was a really great dad."" "And that's one thing I'm absolutely proud of." "That's what I live for." "I think the biggest toll that it's taken, just if you want to look at financially, is losing about a $500, 000-a-year job because of my addiction." "Just going out there and either running out of medication to take and getting so sick that I couldn't perform my job." "And then kind of getting labeled that way and people not wanting to take a risk on somebody that has a problem and will have somebody else in here that is not a high risk." "So it's had a huge effect." "When my kids get up early in the morning after sleeping well at night and I've been up all night 'cause I don't sleep well, and they're bouncing off the walls and excited to do stuff," "and I don't have the energy to get up and do stuff with them..." "Are you kidding me?" "You know how much that sucks to have them wondering, "What's wrong with Dad?" "Why can't he come out and do stuff with us?"" "Once you get to that point, you will do anything to get out of it." "Anything." "We called one of these places for detox and rehab and all that, you know?" "And some of them are pretty pricey." "And you got to go in there with money up front and all of this." "And so I honestly did not know what to do." "Is it cheaper to stay on drugs?" "Oh, yeah." "Absolutely." "Not only, I mean, just the financial side of things." "You can have a pretty bad habit and do it relatively inexpensively." "Or, I mean, thousands and thousands of dollars for detox and rehab and all that." "And, unfortunately, a lot of these places, they don't work for people because they go in with the wrong reasons." "And especially in this valley, there's this mentality that, if somebody's got a problem, we'll drop them off and say," ""Make them better, and we'll be back in a bit."" "You know?" "And it doesn't work that way." "So we come out of the gas station." "We've been praying, looking for an answer what to do." "I see this sign..."Addicted?" "Drugs..." "Prescriptions?" "We sponsor recovery!" "Happy Valley." "Confidential."" "So I come out." "Come out of the gas station after literally having been fighting with my wife, praying what can I do, and I see this sign that says," ""Happy Valley Detox." "Confidential."" "And on the way up to the city, was on my cellphone calling your number." "People realize that, "You know what?" "I've been so stressed or I feel so much pressure, and when I take this or that, I feel a lot better, and I'm able to deal with things a little bit better."" "Now you're stepping over the boundaries of taking it for reasons of pain to reasons of depression or pressure or stress or anxiety." "And then it's like now you're just taking them for any reason." "You get to the point where you don't know whether you're taking pain medicine because you got pain, or whether your mind's manufacturing the pain, or whether you're just taking it to take it, you know?" "And you get to a point where it is out of control." "It's absolutely out of control." ""So, Sister Andersen, could I get..."" ""Could I get some of those antidepressants?"" ""Sister Andersen, I need some Valium, Percocet, and four balloons of black, please."" ""Okay, I'll see you tonight." "Are you bringing jello or..."" ""Listen, you old piece of..." "This isn't what I paid for." "I said 10 Valium." "I'll be at the Bishop's house tonight if you..." "That's more like it." "Okay." "Don't ever try to short me, you..."" "Can you imagine?" "Thanks for writing me on my mission." "I would never bad-mouth or say anything bad about the Church." "I live for the Church." "It's my guide." "I love it." "But there are..." "There's..." "You can't single out the Church." "It's not like it's a Church problem, you know?" "But are there certain pressures that go along with the Church, with religion, with any religion?" "But it just happens that in Happy Valley, there's a dominant religion, you know?" "But, I mean, there's no way I would dog and sit there and say, "This is a Church problem."" "It's not." "It's..." "You know." "Is there pressure that goes along with always trying to be perfect and do everything right and being in denial and not wanting to come clean when you really got a problem, and, you know, talk about people that just have..." "I mean, domestic-violence problems and marital problems and never even come clean with that kind of crap, you know?" "So it's not..." "Yeah." "It's not a Church problem." "Okay, where'd he go?" "You think there's a chance we could..." " He's back." " ... help him with recovery?" "He wants to, and he said..." "He goes, " I don't want to do this and expose myself and have my parents see this, you know, if I'm not doing something to get help."" "You know, so he really does." "If you can just not start, you know." "Because once you start and you get into this lifestyle and you get into taking stuff, it'll take..." "You will..." "There's no good outcome." "There's..." "I don't know." "If you look around, there's not too many old addicts." "They're gone." "You either get better or you die." "That's it." "There's no heroin or cocaine in Utah." "This is Utah." "You can't get heroin and cocaine in Utah." "That's what they do..." "cocaine and heroin." "They won't deal in anything else." "No meth, nothing like that." "They say meth makes people loco, so they won't deal with that." "Find that interesting." "They won't deal with guys that are speeders." "Yeah, because they're crazy." "Yeah, they'll do anything." "What do you want to do?" "You want to go back and see his pad?" " Greg, can we go back?" " Nah." "Right now?" "Let's go see the bachelor pad." "No, 'cause if you show my room, anyone that knows me is gonna know it's me." "Well, no." "Yeah, but we won't show it until you decide what it is you want to do." "Just so we have it." "That's the whole idea." "I mean, if you really do want to change it, get help." "I mean, that's the reality." "That's where you live." "You can do it." "You don't have to, but I think it just..." "If you really do want to help people and show them "Here is the ultimate,"" "from having everything and a family, to my whole life is in one room, you know?" "I want to get high as soon as I get home." "You hear that?" "He goes, " I want to get high as soon as I get home, though."" " That's fine." " Okay." "You want to roll?" "Okay." "No, I got to tell you." "Just from my standpoint," "I can't tell you how proud I am of him for having as much of a problem and saying, "You know what?" "I'm willing to expose myself," 'cause he's embarrassed." "He feels absolutely horrible about where he is, what he's given up, you know?" "But like you all said, if we can just help somebody not go the same route that he has, you know?" "Say you lose all your money, or say you lose your family, say you lose whatever, and you get in Greg's situation, well, you'd think that he would want to do anything to get out of it, right?" "Living in that crappy little room of his?" "Well, he'll tell you himself, it's like, "Why?" "Why go through the effort?" "I've already lost everything." "I can't lose anything more."" "It's probably tripping for you, too." "You've never been around this kind of stuff, have you?" "No?" "No, not none of that." "Just..." "Was that a trip going..." "going on that ride?" " Not really." " I didn't notice anything." "Yeah, just gonna film." "Just filming." "Concentrating on filming." "There's some heroin right there." "How long have you lived here?" "Four years." "I've been divorced for four years and been in this room pretty much." "I just hide." "Hide from reality." "Just go get my heroin and come back and hide." "And you know?" "I got married, stayed clean, broke my back, went in the hospital." "They gave me a whole bunch of, you know, painkillers." "They don't work because you already have a tolerance even though you've quit, so it's up doing heroin." "Then, pretty soon, your wife's coming in, and you're doing heroin on the bathroom floor, and, you know, pretty soon, they just get sick of dealing with it." "And the last straw was I quit again and then broke my leg racing motocross." "Same thing." "Then she just got sick of dealing with it." "And, I mean, you can look around and..." "All-State in three sports in high school, played college football and baseball, and think of the life I could have had." "And many times over," "I kept getting chance after chance after chance, and... and I'm still doing it." "Get a few days, and then, I don't know." "It just goes on." "And then I have such a tolerance," "I can do, you know, 40 times more than the average person." "Literally enough to O. D. a band of gypsies, you know?" "And so..." "That much right there would O. D. a person that's never done it before." "Oh, just bust up my nice room." "And then I'll cook up some crack, some cocaine, and put it on there, too, and mix it." "Plus, I just ate eight Valium." "And so..." "It's hard to imagine why that's so addicting, but..." "And it's not just the dope that's addicting, it's this whole thing." "Going up and getting it, the rush of getting it." "Getting it from the Mexicans." "The cops are sitting across the street." "The ride down, the ride back, you know?" "Making it up, fixing it up." "Literally, when I was coming down and running into the house, it's like Christmas." "You're running in here so giddy." "You got to get your water, you know?" "It's sad." "It's sad." "The more you're on, the harder it is to come off." "And the problem is, is you feel like you have the worst flu, the worst everything, and you're so sick." "You're throwing up." "Runs down your pants, and you get some heroin." "I n two minutes, you're at the top of the world." "And that's the problem, because you're so low, and, all of a sudden, bang." "You know, 'cause normally when you're sick or whatever or have cancer or whatever, you're sick." "There's nothing you can do about it." "But with this, you know damn well you get some, you go from here to here." "And so it's such a big jump that, you know, that's one of the reasons it's so addictive." "And I just hope and pray that we can help some people and... and for me to do this in front of people like this is unbelievable for me because I would never, never do it, which is, to me, I'm making some progress" "because I've got to help some people." "And I think the only way I'm gonna get better is if I help people, because then I'm not doing it just for me, you know?" "And I'm not showing as much emotion because I'm high, and that's what getting high does, is it takes your emotion." "It makes the hurt go away, you know, temporarily." "I'm willing to go through hell to do something positive." "And Daniel... at me all the time." "Like he's high and mighty and I'm living in this room, and he doesn't realize that..." "and it's starting." "He's getting his family problems now." "Got the wife wanting divorce." "It's starting." "You know, I can see him in me so much." "Gonna put them on a spectrograph, right?" "Here's what morphine looks like, right?" "Here's what opium looks like." "Here's what Lortab looks like." "Here's what Percocet..." "They're all the same thing." "They're almost the exact same thing, you know?" "So, pay for the doctor's visit, pay for, you know, for your insurance." "Pay for the prescription." "Pay to take it down to Walgreens, or get in your car, spend $6 worth of gas." "Not get the exact same thing, get a stronger version for $ 10 in a little balloon." "When I first came here in '86, drug deaths weren't that common." "We were probably seeing 50 to 70 drug deaths a year." "The vast majority were illegal drugs." "Last year, we did 411 drug-related deaths in this office." "Of those 411," "242 were pure prescription-drug-related deaths." "These are drugs like oxycodone, hydrocodone, methadone." "If you add folks who are both illicit, as well as prescription drugs, that total goes up to 270." "If you think about it, pills, painkillers in particular, which is a huge problem here in Utah from what I have noticed, it's like smoking weed, which is a grown plant, you know?" "It's something that comes from the earth." "For me, I think that's a little lesser down there, you know?" "It's like, "Okay, that grows."" "It's not like it's okay, but you're not gonna be hooked." "But people that are on painkillers, they're hooked, you know?" "It gets you by the... and it's just, from that point on, you're screwed, you know?" "You have to have it, and you basically will lose..." "I've seen people just lose themselves." "You know someone, a good friend, you know, and they're the person you know, and then down the path, they've used so much that they'll flip on you and do whatever they can to get their next fix." "They'll just lose their soul almost." "It was not anything you'd ever wish on anybody... to lose a child." "Blake was a very outgoing kid as, you know, in elementary, junior high." "Very popular." "Had a lot of friends." "He was always kind of the leader of the group." "He was doing well, you know, until he hit about his sophomore year in high school." "Got kicked off the team as a sophomore, grades started to drop, and his personality changed." "He just became reclusive." "He'd come home, and he'd go to sleep." "We never thought anything about it." "Then we started questioning him, and we started looking at him, and once you look at him, then you can see it." "You can see the signs." "You know, he'd come home, and his eyes would be bloodshot." "He'd be tired." "He was pale." "There was many times where I had to jump in between my husband and Blake because he was so frustrated with him." "Blake would be high or would have drugs on him." "My youngest daughter, who was in junior high, would come home and go straight upstairs." "My other son was serving a mission, so he was kind of out of the loop anyway." "And we all knew that eventually he was gonna overdose doing what he'd done." "We knew that he couldn't do what he was doing and live through it." "And I was upstairs getting ready to go to work, and my husband came running upstairs and screaming at me, saying, "Suzanne, come down." "Something's wrong with Blake."" "And he was laying on the bed, and my first thought was that he had cotton in his nose 'cause he had foam coming out of his nose and his mouth, and then I realized that it was mucous" "and that he most likely had a seizure." "I pulled him off the bed and couldn't get his mouth open 'cause I think he was still having a seizure, and I remember thinking as I was prying his mouth open that he was gonna bite my finger off," "but you don't care, you know." "And I got his mouth open and started doing CPR on him." "It was probably the hardest thing" "I've ever had to do in my life... to sit there and look at my son, who had a gazillion tubes going into him." "You know, at that point, he wasn't a person." "He was just somebody that they were trying to save." "And I remember thinking that it's almost okay, that he'll be better off, that he's been through so much hell in the last two years that maybe this is a better thing for him." "The physician told us at that point that he would die, that we would be taking him off the ventilator later on that afternoon, so to get our family together and to get everybody there to say their last... you know, say their goodbyes to Blake." "And it was horrible." "I mean, I remember standing against the wall, sliding down it, sobbing, and my daughter was sobbing and my other daughter was and my husband, and grandmas and grandpas and friends." "I mean, all the friends from Bonneville High." "They had to call security to clear the halls because there were so many kids that were standing there crying." "I woke up in the hospital about five days later, four or five days later, and I was in the hospital altogether for about nine days." "They told my parents that I would... prepare to take me off life support, and I just decided that's..." "that's not my life." "You only get one life, and that's not the life I wanted to live." "You know, everything's good again." "It's hard." "Like Blake said, he takes it a day at a time, and so do we." "You know, every morning I get up, I go in and look at him, make sure he's still breathing." "And I probably will do that until he, you know, moves out, anyway." "But it's..." "You know, it consumes your life even after." "Even now that he's clean, it still consumes my life." "The drug problem has gone through the Terrace in Ogden like a disease, wiping friends out, my buddies out one by one." "I mean, it's..." "it's overwhelming." "My perspective on it was, I mean, it's only a pill." "I mean, it's only one pill, you know, once a day, if that." "The teenagers would get their drugs by..." "I mean, there was people on the streets... old ladies that would get prescribed it." "There was people that had back pains." "I mean, the one day of the month where they got their prescription filled, there'd be four or five people at her front door." "My whole sophomore year, I don't think I experimented with anything more than Lortab or Percocet, and my junior year is when I started to bump it up a little bit." "I would start, I mean, doing OxyContin, morphine suckers, and my senior year just got out of control." "I mean, I was all over the place looking for it, doing two or three, four, five pills a day." "I mean, spending hundreds of dollars a day doing it." "Well, when I was in high school, I would look at heroin as in a whole different game than OxyContin." "I mean, I've never even seen heroin for the fact that just the name "heroin."" "But it's in the same ballpark." "It kills people just the same way heroin does." "OxyContin is actually a synthetic-based heroin." "It's heroin into a pill." "While working undercover," "I found myself almost in a sociological project, trying to figure out "What is making this so enjoyable?" "Why are they just jumping to get in to try this stuff?"" "And we got into conversation of..." "One Sunday evening, we were at a party." "I was surrounded by a bunch of teenagers." "We got on the conversation of religion." "Come to find out, the overwhelming majority of the kids around me were LDS." "And so I asked them, "Well, don't you feel guilty about going to church tomorrow?"" "And they said, "Well, yeah, but you know what?" "It's really not against the Word of Wisdom."" "And I said, "Oh, yeah?" "Well, how so?"" ""Well, it's a pill." "It's not that big of a deal." "It makes me feel good." "So what?" "It's not alcohol." "I'm not smoking anything." "I'm not sticking anything in my arm." "I'm just taking a pill and drinking some water." "Big deal."" "There are a lot of parents that just have no idea what's going on with their children, and it's not because they're not paying attention maybe, but sometimes it's just that you got to dig a little deeper." "We had no clue." "Really very good at hiding it." "I mean, it's not like we're not a pretty close family." "A young lady, recently married, had forged a prescription." "She was involved in a car accident, and she was legally prescribed Lortab and hydrocodone." "She found herself addicted within a short period of time to the Lortab and hydrocodone." "So, she was altering..." "She was going to different doctors and doctor shopping, receiving a prescription, but then she was altering the prescription to get her more pills." "The pharmacist caught on to this, turned her in." "I conducted my investigation and called the house." "I spoke to her husband." "Come to find out, she was a very key member of the Relief Society, and he was afraid at how this was gonna be viewed within his religious culture." "But I could give you a list of so many people that shop doctors, that are at the pharmacy late at night or even at emergency rooms coming up with something because they ran out of drugs." "And you would look at some of these people, go, "Are you kidding me?" "This guys takes them, but isn't he so-and-so in the community?"" "It's ridiculous." "That's why so many people are hiding it." "That's why everybody goes through this denial and hiding it every day because they don't want it to affect what happens in their church or their standing in their church or their standing in the community or whatever." "We can't let it affect that, so we hide in this gray area in the middle here of denial and, you know." ""Well, you know, but he's got a bad back, and that's why he takes it,"" "or "He's sick because..." And you know what?" "And it's just because nobody wants to take responsibility for where they're at." "Nobody wants to really fess up and say that I got a problem, that I am sick, and it's not just a bad back or a bad shoulder, and that I need help." "The reality of it is, is that people do not want to acknowledge that which is uncomfortable for them to see." "During my childhood, we were a very, very LDS family, and we'd always go to church." "We'd always go to my grandma's house on Sundays and have Sunday dinner, and we just had a happy family." "I thought that Macall, when she was in gymnastics, that she was gonna go all the way." "She was going to become an Olympian." "She was going to just blow us all away." "I was on floor and I was doing a tumbling pass and I landed short and I hyperextended my knee and tore my ACL and I had to have surgery." "It took a year to heal and I tried to go back to gymnastics, but it was too painful." "It was so..." "Everything just wasn't right." "I just couldn't get back into it." "I remember Macall wanted to go to school, though." "She would do gymnastics, too." "She wanted to go to gymnastics, and I just didn't want to take her." "I started slacking on being a mom, and, you know, she was like," ""Please, Mom." "Take me to gymnastics." "Please, please." And I was like, "Ugh."" "I mean, it was one exit away." "You know, it was nothing." "So I just ended up just staying into school and getting a social life and going with my friends." "And then my parents got divorced and I was living with my mother and my sister Lindsy, and my mom, she ended up falling into using drugs." "It's not a pretty sight to shoot up." "It's ugly, very ugly." "There's blood." "There's..." "It's just ugly, and my kids got to the point where they just..." "It was just like Mommy blowing her nose." "You know, it was no big deal." "No big deal at all to see me sit down and do that." ""Hold on." You know, I would..." "Before I could make breakfast, I had to do my fix so that I could be normal and fix breakfast." "Even breakfast, you know?" "I'd get a call from the principal when I was in junior high because I never was there." "And he would leave message after message, wondering where I was." "And I was home tending my two sisters without my mom." "I wanted to go out and play with my friends and not take care of my sisters." "I thought that using with my mom would create some sort of closer bond, and... it did, but it was just in a really bad way." "We wanted the mom that we grew up with." "The fun, outgoing mom that loved to do activities with us and not just do her drugs and go to bed." "I was using heroin." "I had to have it in me every six hours." "Otherwise, I would be sick." "I would be withdrawing." "And I just remember waking up in the mornings and feeling so sick to my stomach 'cause we didn't know how we were gonna get the money." "We broke in to our dealer's house, and I remember getting two baggies and then a piece that was this big of heroin, and... and that lasted us a week." "I look back on it, I can't believe that... how fast we went through them, you know?" "Being in prison... is so hard." "I've been on an RL year lockdown 23 hours a day." "You only get out an hour a day in the morning." "But being off the drugs feels so good." "I feel so much better now than I did back when I was using." "I honestly feel happier now." "Macall is in jail right now." "What would you say to her if you could talk to her right now, sitting next to her in her jail cell?" "I don't know." "I would say that..." "I don't know." "I can't tell her what to do or how to think." "I want us to have a regular mother/daughter relationship." "I want us to go get coffee in the morning." "I want to go to school." "I want her to tell me to do my homework." "I want..." "I want to come home and... come home to her, you know, cleaning the house or doing something normal." "What?" "I got one for these guys." "Lindsy, you're gonna love this." "I got to sit a little lower." "I remember getting a cough once and she gave me some Tussionex, and I thought it was just gonna, like, you know, chill my cough so I can go play ball or something for the night," "go have fun, spend some time with the kids, but I fell asleep... for two and a half days." "Woke up." "All three cars were gone, wallet was gone." "Part of my clothes were gone and the kids were gone and I was hungry." "And I had missed work for two days, and I think, "Wow, every time I get tired or something, she'll give me a little 'aspirin, ' and then I'd fall asleep for two or three days." "She's good." "Real good."" "Do you remember those, Lindsy?" "She could run." ""Here, here, no problem." "Just, I know you got a cough." "Here, just take a little..."" "I'd go to sleep, and I'd wake up two days later." "And just everything's gone." "My wallet's gone, money's gone." "They've been gone on vacation for two days." ""We just went to St. George." "We had a great time, " so..." "I don't know." "I've been through so many rehabs, and I feel like it's just done nothing, and so I still am just in my own little prison of going home and isolating myself." "And..." "Describe the Nancy personality before drugs and then the Nancy personality traits today." " Before drugs?" " Mm-hmm." "I don't know." "How do you feel about your life and your kids today?" "I miss out on everything." "What did you miss out on?" "What do you think you missed out on?" "Be specific." "I wasn't invited to Lindsy's wedding, my eldest daughter's wedding." "I didn't get to see the birth of her first child." "I didn't get to see all the things that Macall went through with gymnastics and all the things that she succeeded in and won trophies in and things because I was too busy out doing my own thing." "I had no time for it." "There was no time." "I had to worry about where my next fix was gonna come from." "And Maron." "And Maron's been the one that's been the... that's lacked the most of no mom." "She's just had nanny after nanny after nanny." "And it's not the answer." "It doesn't help anything." "It just keeps getting worse until you lose everything, including your kids, the trust of your family, the trust of everybody around you, you know?" "Worst of all, it's just the trust of your kids, you know, where they have to hide their piggy bank from you." "I don't care if I live or die." "I don't even care." "I don't." "Hurry." "Back to you." "Hurry." "Just get there, Ron." "Can you drive, like, faster, please?" "Okay." "Describe the feeling of withdrawing the first hour today." "Are you encouraged after your first day?" "How does it feel?" "We're on Day 2." "How do you feel, Nance?" "I feel really good." "No, how do you feel, really?" "I don't feel good." "Okay." "You're doing awesome, though." "It's your second day." "Enough of this." "Several weeks later." "I feel..." "I guess like everybody else feels." "Boring." "All right, that's cool." "Is that how you feel every day?" "I got to think that there's a piece of all of us, you know, when stuff like this happens, and, believe me, I can't speak firsthand." "I can only speak as, you know, observing, that there might be the possibility of healing." "One, is you're helping other people, and, two, in the possibilities of having a conversation with Macall, that you might be able to rise above this, as hard as it may sound." "Believe me, I'm being very outside the box here, so if you could rise above it in a way that maybe you could make a difference by showing the world what true love is in spite of this disaster." "Oh, you want me to forgive her." "I'm proposing a conversation." " I'm afraid." " Yeah." "I'm..." "No, not for what you think." "I'm afraid because Macall lies so beautifully, and I have all the lies she's told me, and they're right here, and once they're voiced, they never go away." "Yeah." "And if she tells me more lies and puts doubts in my mind about what I know about my daughter, they never go away, even though I know Amelia." "I know who she was and what she was and where she was going." "To hear Macall tell me more lies," "I don't know if I'm strong enough to hear it." "I never would have imagined" "I would be sitting here today with you under these circumstances, and I'm sorry." "Thank you." "I feel like I had a hand in the upbringing of Macall, and she, at one point..." "I remember a very sweet girl at one point in her life, and she always spoke very highly of both of you." "I just want you to know that." "Like, you were her..." "I n some ways..." "You must have loved her in some way that she felt connected to you because she always spoke highly of both of you, and I know there was times that you took her into your life, and I know..." "I thank you for that." " And I..." " I don't know." "I can tell you what happened at court after the..." "That whole day during the plea hearing..." "This wasn't my feeling." "I had the feeling that Amelia wanted me to forgive Macall, to keep loving her because she still needed somebody, and I fought that off very strongly." "I kept saying to Amelia," ""But, Amelia, she took you away from me, and you want me to forgive her?"" "I won't say it's not a possibility." "But I would like Macall to take some steps on her own to follow through... to follow through on the promises that she made to the judge to stay drug-free, to stay clean." "I know that Amelia is feeling bad that Macall had to go to jail." "I know that she feels bad, and I know that she doesn't want or will not like the idea of Jasen going to jail or whatever's gonna happen to him because that's just not the way she was, and it's just..." "And I got to think Amelia wouldn't want the two of you being held hostage by this situation, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and, you know, and that's what I'm proposing is some sort of a freeing experience," "the possibility of that." "And if the movie ended and it showed even a conversation of initiating some possibility, imagine what that speaks to the world is all." "It's a beautiful possibility, but it's something for you to ponder yourselves." " I wouldn't rule it out." " Okay." "I wouldn't say, "That will never happen."" "Macall's never asked us for forgiveness." "She's never come to us and asked us for forgiveness." "She's never told us what really happened." "How do you forgive someone if they don't seem to want it?" "Okay." "I'm tired." "I'm tired of lying about stuff." "I'm tired of pretending that everything's okay." "I'm tired of being a fake." "I'm tired of lying about who I am." "I'm tired of lying to my wife and just stop this whole charade of everything's fine when it's not." "And I just want to get better." "This better work, man, 'cause I'm gonna be pissed if it doesn't." "Who's that up to?" "Who's that up to?" "You guys." "So make it work." "Well, dude, if you can't tell that I'm serious about this by now, exposing myself like this, then you're not seeing the real." "I didn't..." "Just keep in mind, I came to you guys." "It was weird just how..." "how fast I got sick." "Yesterday morning was the last I took anything, and I was sick last night." "It was a rough night." "So I'll be glad to get over this." "Over going back and forth and feeling good and not feeling good, you know." "So, are we ready to roll?" "I just want to get in there and get started." "I threw up." "All right, so..." "All right." "And I still love her." "I always will." "I wish everything was better." "Macall." "What?" "What?" "I'm so sorry." "Me too." "Me too." "Do you miss her?" "Every day." "Not a day goes by that I don't think about her." "She's forgiven you." "Do you feel that?" "Oh, I pray she does." " I think she has." " I love her so much." "All I felt for you the first time we were in court," "I felt Amelia's love for you." "I felt that she wanted me to forgive you." "I didn't want to." "You took her away from me, Macall." "It's so hard not to have her here." "I know." "I'm so sorry." "Just..." "You know, the pain that I have inside," "I just can't imagine the pain that a mother would have for her daughter." "I want to go and be with her." "I think about her all the time, but I feel her with me, and it's okay." "And I talk to her all the time." "She loved you." "She always, always loved you, and she always forgave you for everything you ever did, honey." "And she forgave you for this." "She did." "She does." "She still loves you." "Nothing's changed." "Okay?" "Do they let you go to school here?" "Yes." "I started school today." " So..." " Okay." "Is it hard?" "Even if it's hard, okay, you've got to do well." " I will." " You've got to do well." "You've got to make up your mind you're not gonna be like your mom." "No." "Nope." "I don't want to." "And also, we have college and stuff, so that will be good." "Yep." "So, you have time to get your degree while you're in here." "Yes, I do." "Then you'll be all done, so when you get out, you can get a good job." "Yeah." "And make new friends." "It's just the dorms are a little different here." "Just a bit." "You look a lot better than you did." "Thank you." "I feel a lot better." " Yeah." " Yeah." "You looked bad." "You were too thin." "Yeah, I know." "Can we have permission for them to hug?" "We can probably do that." "Oh, honey." "I just want to go back to the way it was before." "Hey, Dan." "It's Ron." "I'm actually driving to Salt Lake to pick up Kathy." "I'm supposed to pick her up at noon, and so we have 30 minutes, her and I, to chat before we go and see you guys." "So we'll pick you guys up at 12:30 at the offices." "So bring the crew, bring the camera." "Today's a miracle, man." "Danny, it's Ron." "I just was calling you to give you a little pep talk, man, just tell you that I'm thinking about you and I know it's not easy." "And you're an awesome person, dude, and because somebody's addicted doesn't mean anything." "I mean, you're a great guy." "So..." "Let's stand in the future today, you know?" "Let's not move and stay committed and realize that there's some, you know, some mountains to climb." "But if anybody can climb them, you can, and I will be there with you to do it, my friend." "So, I did this part with Nancy, and it just took about two to three days, and things kind of stabilized." "It was very cool." "So, all the things that you have at stake are worth two or three lifetimes, if not two or three days." "Hey, Danny, listen." "It's Ron again, and I'm sorry to keep pestering you on the phone." "I'm just concerned." "You've had your phone off for a few days." "I was just joking about the toilet cam for the movie." "I'm kidding." "I know you're very sick." "You know, stand or sit at your bedside, or whatever I need to do to support you." "But whatever you're up against right now, Danny, you finally get to step through it, Danny." "You got a beautiful wife who loves you." "You got five children who are standing for you." "And this is the time that you step through the stuff that you haven't stepped through in the last 15 years." "And I am just sending thoughts and prayers your way, my friend." "I love you." "See ya." "So I think about that night all the time." "If, you know, I could have..." "If I was holding..." "I was still..." "I was holding the phone in my hand, you know." "I should have dialed instead of listening to someone else, but I didn't." "And we lost..." "You know, someone died because of it." "If only we could promise a rosy ending for all." "Seems we tend to let our experiences form our identity." "People who actually believe that they're sad, lonely, addicted, poor, victims, et cetera." "You're none of those things." "You are uniquely beautiful, glorious, and Godlike." "Even a miracle." "We just all sometimes forget." "So when you're done experiencing all those experiences, come on back to that person." "The beautiful soul you've always been and will always be." "It's a choice." "A choice that can be made as quick as you up from the seat you're in." "Safe journeys." "Subtitles by LeapinLar"