"all chanting:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "We're back where it all began-- the Sunset Strip." " Just the excitement that you walk into--it's electric." "Like, it's literally walking into a thunder dome of jokes." " [laughs]" "What the fuck?" ""Roast Battle" was born in the belly of the Comedy Store, and every week the best roasters in town go mic to mic for bragging rights." "[cheers and applause] But tonight, comic heavyweights Chris D'Elia and Sebastian Maniscalco, along with legendary baller Metta World Peace will decide who makes it to the big tournament in Hollywood starting on January 26th." "This is "Roast Battle II:" "The Regionals"" "from Los Angeles." "[cheers and applause] Fuck yeah!" "Fuck yeah!" "Back home in the Belly Room, baby!" "[cheers and applause]" "Give it up for Coach Tea back there." "[electronic tone]" " Man, Coach Tea." " We should really quickly say hi to our two great comics and--I don't know what Metta World Peace is even doing here, but we appreciate you so much." "How you doing, Metta?" "Are you doing good?" " Doing great." "It's great to be here." " We have some Roast Battle Comedy Store royalty" "Chris D'Elia is here tonight." "What's up, Chris E.?" "You've been judging these Roast Battles since the beginning." " Yeah, since, uh-- yeah." "[laughter]" "That's not a fucking joke, everyone." "[laughter]" " And in the middle," "A man who's just been killing it all over the country-- super funny-- Sebastian Maniscalco!" "[cheers and applause]" " What's happening?" "What's happening?" " Thanks for doing this, Sabby." " I'm gonna be honest with you, Jeff." "I'm not really here to see the roasters." " Yeah?" " I'm here to see The Wave." "[cheering] [cheers and applause]" " The House Hater is here." "How you doin' House Hater?" "[cheers and applause]" "You must be excited--your boy won the election, right?" " I'm very happy-- don't call him "boy."" " Sorry." "[laughter]" " And whether you like Trump, this man is giving something to this country we've never had and that's a First Lady we can jack off to." " Wow." "[laughter]" "All right." "Give it up for tonight's referee," "Brian motherfucking Moses!" "[cheers and applause]" " Whoo!" " Battle!" "Battle!" "all:" "Battle!" "Battle!" " All right, who came to get verbally violent?" "[cheers and applause]" "This first cat coming to the stage, originally from South Dakota, he's gay, and the reason he got into roasts is because he thinks offensive humor saves lives." "Everybody, Joseph Dosch." "[cheers and applause]" "My strategy is to tell jokes, uh, that are funny and hurtful, and more funny and more hurtful than his." "And hopefully he leaves, just, like, a dispirited husk of a human being." " Let's meet your opponent for the evening." "Everybody, Alex Hooper." "[cheers and applause]" "Joe and I are definitely friends." "Um, I mean, I would never hang out with him, don't get me wrong." "We're just" "We're comedian friends, you know." "But, uh, I plan on going in there and slaying heads." "[cheers and applause] [upbeat techno music]" " Ah!" "Monster!" " Scariest one of all." " Yeah, this is great." "This is great;" "it's the homosexual versus the homo erectus." "[laughter]" " Did we even-- did we even start yet?" "He's coming out swinging, dude." " Are we ready?" "[cheers and applause]" "Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Joe looks like he would order soup at a sports bar." "[laughter]" " Alex is so ugly, when he goes to a glory hole, the guy on the other side wants to just be friends." "[laughter]" " Joe never buys lube." "He still has a full bucket of his parents' tears from when he came out as a gay comedian." "[crowd groans] [siren blaring]" " Alex is an actor." "He was on Nickelodeon playing a ninja, and in a silent movie playing the moon." "[laughter]" " Last joke!" " Wow, Joe, I know homosexuality isn't a choice, but stand-up is, and maybe you should stop." " Oh, all right." "[laughter] [gunshot sound effect] [smack]" "You know, I'd call Alex a douche bag, but a douche bag can hold moisture." "[laughter] [air horn blaring]" " That's it!" "Round one!" "First match:" "Joe Dosch, Alex Hooper!" "Holy crap!" " They came out firing, and um," "I think Alex did, uh, a great job." "I have to pick Alex." " That's one for Alex." " Uh, I'm into presentation, and Alex came out with a double mask, which is hard to pull off, but, uh... [laughter] I gotta go with Joe." " That's ballsy." " Joe, I'll give you the" "I'll give you the win." " Thank you." " Hey!" "All right." " One Alex." "One Joe." " You're a fucking weirdo, and that's very obvious just by looking at you." " Oh, I know." " Okay." " Oh, I know." " I gotta go with Alex." " All right." " Alex fucking never wins." "Uh..." " What?" " Never." " Wait, wait, wait." " [laughs]" " No, I meant in life." " Yeah." "[laughter]" " I'll say this:" "Alex, you really should be complimented tonight, you should be proud 'cause you really did beat one of the best." "Congratulations." " Oh, man!" "Alex Hooper!" "Hug each other." " Frankly, I don't care that I lost, 'cause we put on such a great show, which is a thing that losers say, but yeah," "I was really, really happy with what we did." " Keep it going!" " I spent so much time thinking about you, and it's been a pleasure, man." " Oh, I know." " It's been a fucking pleasure." " Now's the time for healing." " Right?" " You look like the hijacker who only crashes on your friend's couch." " [ululating]" " That was hard as fuck, dude!" " I love this show, baby!" "all:" "Battle!" "Battle!" " First guy I'm bringing to the stage, from Boston, Massachusetts, he hosts a podcast called "Unsafe Space,"" "and before he was a comic, he was a software engineer." "Give it up for the very boring Toby Muresianu, everybody." "[cheers and applause]" " He was a software engineer?" "Come on!" "[laughter]" " Let's meet your opponent here," " You can tell he's half Indian, half Pakistani just by smelling him." "He shaved five minutes ago, everybody, Omid Singh!" "[cheers and applause]" " Wow." " This is like Boston Strong versus the 19th hijacker." "[laughter]" "We have another special guest in the hater section." "Who's this?" " I am Saudi prince!" "A Saudi prince is in the house!" " What's up?" " [ululating]" "Enjoying my last days of freedom in this country." " [laughs]" " So what better place to celebrate our freedom of speech than here in the Jew store, in the comedy" " Comedy Store." "Comedy Store." " Omid, you know Toby well?" " No." "I just know he can only afford half of a Canadian tuxedo, so that's where I'm at." " Oh!" " Oh, he already came out swinging!" " IBM!" "ISIS!" "Are we ready?" "[cheers and applause] Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " You don't look like a Toby." "You look more like a Jim Crow." "[light laughter] [slide whistle, honk]" " You look like the hijacker who only crashes on your friend's couch." "[laughter, cheers]" " Toby's so plain, people at work keep trying to put cream cheese on him." "[laughter]" " Omid met his girlfriend through Tinder, but only because she called tech support." "[laughter]" " Last joke." " Toby doesn't eat meat, that's why I ate his girlfriend's meaty pussy last night." " Yeah!" " [laughing]" "What the fuck?" "Dude, that was hard as fuck, dude!" " Was it?" " That--I feel like that wasn't even a joke-- you were just angry." " I don't know." " Oh, my God, dude!" " Omid believes in reincarnation, which is why his jokes die again and again and again." "[laughter, cheers] [bell dinging]" " That's it!" "Toby Muresianu." "Omid Singh." "Holy crap." " What do you think of that, Saudi Prince?" " This was a very good battle between the lesbian Lena Dunham and the dad from "Master of None."" "[laughter] But..." "For me, it was like watching a special needs reenactment of "Arrested Development"" "versus arrested and sent to a developing country." "But, uh, both of these young comics will be blowing up soon, I can tell." "[laughter]" " For me, um, Omid, really nonexistent." "Didn't really have any-- anything--I" "Toby, I gotta give it to you." "I gotta" " Thank you very much." " Look, man, I mean, both of you made me laugh." "I like both your confidence." "There was--you had some really hard-hitting jokes, though, Toby, and to dress like somebody who would absolutely store bodies in his freezer... [laughter]" "And to come and bring it and still kind of keep that kind of mysterious, like, "maybe I actually do have some bodies in my freezer" vibe, gotta give it to Toby." "I gotta give it to Toby." " Thanks." "[cheers and applause]" " World Peace, what do you think?" " You had one great comeback." "I forget which joke it was, but I wrote "comeback."" "[laughter]" " Hey." "That's good." " There was a good comeback in there somewhere." " So...[laughs]" " Congratulations, guys, for that." " [laughs]" " I think he's just happy you wrote something." "I like" " So, Toby, since you came on his back, you win." " Thanks." "Thank you." " So sexual, Ron." " Oh, come back." "Good come back." " I will say-- I will say, Toby," "I was impressed with your joke writing tonight." "The reincarnation joke, too." "You had some real killers." "You worked really hard on this, so congrats, buddy." " Thank you very much." " Tonight he beat terrorism-- Toby Muresianu!" "Hug each other!" "[hip-hop music]" "I had a great time, you know." "Should have been more racist or something--I don't know." " Always a rookie mistake." " Not racist enough." " Gotta go racist." " This next battler I'm bringing to the stage is disabled." "He's from the north side of Long Beach." "He's Mexican." "He doesn't lose a lot of roast battles." "The only battle he loses is to a staircase." "Everybody, Greg Roque!" "[cheers and applause]" " Special needs!" "all:" "Special needs!" "Special needs!" " I want him to go straight for the jugular." "I--I want to be humiliated." "I want him to be humiliated." "all:" "Special needs!" "Special needs!" " There are no clean getaways in "Roast Battle."" "The uglier the better." " Oh, we are all going to hell." "Perfect." " Yes, we are." " His opponent got his start down in Temecula." "His mother wants everybody to know that he's a piece of shit for doing this." " [laughing]" " Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Castillo." "[cheers and applause]" "Greg, I absolutely love you to death, and I'm gonna say some really terrible things about you." " This is great;" "this is like build a ramp versus build that wall." " [laughs]" "Hilarious." "[group chanting] Black Moses!" "Black Moses!" " This is both of your guys first time on TV, is it not?" " Yeah!" " Are you excited?" "Greg, how you feeling, man?" " I can't feel anything." "[laughter]" " I love this show, baby!" "One more time!" "Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Yeah." "The day Greg found out he was gonna be on Comedy Central, he shit himself." "And then he got the call that he was gonna be on Comedy Central." "[laughter]" " That's right, Frank, I have a spinal cord injury, but after your parents' divorce, the only thing more broken than my spine is your family." "all:" "Oh!" " [laughs]" "Greg's Mexican family doesn't get along with his new girlfriend because they all pick fruit and she picked a vegetable." "[cheers and laughter] [airplane whooshing]" " Whenever I go see Frank's comedy," "I feel so alone because I'm the only one in the audience who hasn't walked out." "[laughter, applause]" " Damn!" " Last joke." " Um..." "Greg is much more than a Mexican in a wheelchair." "He's also a huge burden on his family." "[laughter] [high-pitched whistling, explosion] [laughter]" " Despite what you think, Mexicans aren't lazy." "It took a lot of energy for Frank's dad to get up and abandon him." " [laughing]" " [laughs] [bell dinging]" "Hey, everybody!" "The wheelchair, Greg Roque." "The embarrassment, Frank Castillo." "[cheers and applause]" " You look like you're in shock, World Peace." " Yeah, I was." " Didn't you ever talk smack on the basketball court?" " Oh, we do, all the time, but I have" " Did anybody ever wind up in a wheelchair?" " Nobody was ever in a wheelchair." " What about them niggas you punched in Detroit?" " I'm not sure how he is." "[laughter]" "Love you, bro." "both:" "Hey!" " Hey!" " I'm going with Greg." " Yeah!" " Yeah!" " I think that they were both great." "I mean, it was a really funny battle." "Uh, Frank, though, to make that funny, and not mean was a talent." "I gotta give it to Frank." "I gotta give it to Frank." " Tied up!" " My hat's off to Greg." "I mean, uh," "I don't look at you as disabled," "I look at you as able to make people laugh, so I gotta--I gotta" " I see both." "I see both." "[laughter]" " I have to say, Frank is the winner here, just on his well-crafted jokes." "[cheers and applause]" " Yeah, Frankie!" " Greg, how many battles have you done?" " Uh, this is my third." " This is your third battle." " Greg, you're a fucking champion every fucking time you do this, man." "Appreciate both of you so much." "Frank, congratulations, man." " Hey!" " Thank you." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." " Everybody, make it loud for Frank Castillo." "[cheers and applause]" "Hug each other!" "And then help him out of here." "It was really, really good." "I like that Greg used a lot of, like, my whole family." "And he had just a nice little plethora of jokes." " Yeah, Frank attacked my disability, but they were so tasteful and original that I just" "I wanted to get up and bow down." " [laughs]" " I go both ways, just like Anna's shitty tits." " She has great boobs." " Security, we have a horny NBA player in the building." " Oh, I'm super horny." "all:" "Battle!" "Battle!" " This is the battle for Orange County!" "[cheers and applause]" "First human I'm bringing to the stage, from Orange County." "She's no stranger to "Roast Battle."" "She's in AA." "We're not supposed to know that, but now we do-- Anna Valenzuela, everybody!" "[lively Latin music]" "Oh, my goodness." "Whoo!" "Let's meet your opponent." "Also from Orange County, hey, he's bisexual, he's morbidly obese, his mom's a crack addict." "Folks, make it loud for Keith Carey." "[cheers and applause]" " No one's better than Keith Carey." "He's L.A.'s number one battler two years running." "Feel like I'm battling my sensei." " Anna, we've been friends for a long time." "It's been exciting to see you grow as a comedian." "It's even more exciting to put you in a fucking body bag on national television." "Oh, I feel it so fucking hard, Moses." " [laughs]" " Oh, my God." " Did you break something?" " Probably." " Okay." "Jeff, what do you think about this matchup?" " What I love about this battle is that you're good friends." "Is that right?" " Yeah, we're like best friends." " Yeah, best friends." " How did that happen that you two became best friends?" " She needed to learn how to write a joke." "I needed a ride to open mics, so you know." "[laughter]" " Oh, smash it, dude." " You look like the two stand-ins on a Kevin James movie." "[laughter]" "This is two of my favorite battlers, you guys." "They're both so funny." "I think you're gonna love this battle." " Are we ready?" " Yeah." " Let's roast!" "[bell dinging]" " Keith only uses lambskin condoms because after sex, he enjoys a snack." "[laughter]" " Anna's just jealous because my body is shaped like the eggs she can no longer produce." "[laughter]" " Keith just thinks I'm old 'cause I'm four years past his life expectancy." "[laughter]" " Wow." " Look, I don't want to say Anna's desperate for love, but I did see her standing in front of a Home Depot wearing a wedding dress." "[laughter]" " Keith told me he has a really big dick, which makes sense;" "the average blue whale penis is eight to ten feet." "[laughter]" " Anna has a long face, buck teeth, and she once fucked a married man." "What I'm saying is... â™ª She's a horse that caused divorce â™ª â™ª With no remorse, of course, of course â™ª" " Last joke." "Last joke." " Keith's a fat bisexual, so you could fuck his neck, his back, his pussy, and his crack." "[laughter]" " That's absolutely true." "I--I go both ways, just like Anna's shitty tits." "Now..." "[laughter]" "Honestly, I think Anna's just jealous because my parents get to watch the battle on TV, and hers have to watch from wherever Mexicans go instead of Heaven." "[laughter] [helicopter blades whirring]" " Run, Willie, run!" "[bell dinging]" " Oh, my God." " D'Elia looks in shock." " Really tough, man." " Are you okay?" " That's really tough." "I mean, that-- those were both great." "[laughter]" " Oh, my..." " Wait, Jeremiah, let me get one of those." " Milk man!" " Thank you." " Milk man." " [chanting] Chug!" "Chug!" "Chug!" " No cookies?" "This is definitely the weirdest show on television." "Gotta vote." " Who you like, World Peace?" " I think the" "When he said her boobs went different directions... [laughter]" "I think that was false." "She has great boobs." "So, um..." " Oh!" " Hey, no, wait." "I got" " Good boobs!" " You know you're in the NBA, right?" "There's so many more boobs for you." " No, man." "[laughter]" " Security, we have a horny NBA player in the building right now." " Oh, I'm super horny." " Lock your daughters up." " It was a tie, and then since you had a false statement," "I'll give it to Anna." " Hey!" "That's good judging." " I'm gonna give it to you because of your--you're just-- nothing fazed you." "You just rolled with everything." "There was not a-- no twitchy face, you just" " He has Tourette's." "You're lying. [laughs]" " I twitch because I keep looking at you, and my eyeballs try to kill themselves, like" " Can we wrap this up so she can get back to looking for the six-fingered man who killed her father?" "[laughter]" " It's that prince, though." " Saudi Prince." " That's that prince, though." " [ululating]" " I enjoyed both of you." "I think you guys were fantastic." "I'm just gonna give it to Anna because she-- for me, after her jokes, what I like she did, she did this little" " She had style." "She had style." " And that did it for me, so I give it to Anna." " That's a very Sebastian-like move." " I was gonna say." "I learned it from watching you." " It's two-one, Keith." "Jeff, who do you like?" " I don't think that there's any doubt." "That lambskin condoms joke won it for me, Anna." "Keith, you're a true competitor." "You've been doing-- you've done, what, 19 battles?" " Yeah." " Jesus." "Wow." " That's amazing." "Uh, you're a killer, but I gotta say," "I really think this was Anna's night." "So congratulations, darling." "You got it." " Make it loud for Anna!" "Hug each other." "Hug each other." " Aside from the part that I didn't win, it went exactly how I wanted it to go tonight." " Exactly." "She came hard." "Nothing fazed her." "It was perfect." " I love you and I'm gonna be fertile for the next 20 years." " Eat shit and die." " [laughs]" " No, I love you." "You did so great." "You made me very, very proud." " Aw!" " I'm glad you're my friend." " See you guys next week!" "â™ª" "Oh, we ain't done yet." "There's more L.A. regionals next time." " Leah's always wanted to use a strap-on, but her dick keeps getting in the way." "More celebrity smack..." " I thought there'd be more meat..." "And even more insanity." " You got molested, you bitch!" "Plus, we reveal who's going to the big tournament for a chance to be champion." " Nigga, I brought the whole motherfucking hood with me!" "[cheers and applause]" "all:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" " [ululating] all:" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!" "Battle!"