"(train approaching)" "(train whistle)" "(police whistle)" "(trolley bell)" "(singing) Call on Dolly" "If your neighbour needs a new romance" "Just name the kind of man your sister wants, and she'll snatch him up" "Don't forget to bring your maiden aunts and she'll match 'em up" "Call on" ""Mrs. Dolly Levi."" "She's the one the spinsters recommend" "She even found a lovely bride for poor cousin Isadore" ""Social introductions arranged."" "Drag your single relations out" "In a week you'll have to send engraved invitations out" ""In an atmosphere of elegance and refinement."" "Call on Dolly" ""Object: matrimony."" "If your eldest daughter needs a friend" "Just name the kind of man your sister wants, and she'll snatch him up" "Don't forget to bring your maiden aunts and she'll match 'em up" "Call on Dolly" "If your eldest daughter needs a friend" "I have always been a woman who arranges things" "For the pleasure and the profit it derives" "I have always been a woman who arranges things" "Like furniture and daffodils and lives" "If you want your sister courted, brother wed or cheese imported" "Just leave everything to me" "If you want your roof inspected, eyebrows tweezed or bills collected" "Just leave everything to me" "If you want your daughter dated, or some marriage consummated" "For a rather modest fee" "If you want a husband spotted, boyfriend traced or chicken potted" "I'll arrange for making all arrangements" "Just leave everything to me" " Business or pleasure, Mrs. Levi?" " Mr. Jones, business is always a pleasure." "And you've got more businesses than a dog has fleas!" "As my late husband, Ephraim Levi, used to say:" ""If you have to live from hand to mouth, you better be ambidextrous!"" "If you want your ego bolstered, muscles toned or chair upholstered" "Just leave everything to me" "Charming social introductions, expert mandolin instructions" "Just leave everything to me" "If you want your culture rounded, French improved or torso pounded" "With a ten-year guarantee" "If you want a birth recorded, collies bred or kittens boarded" "I'll proceed to plan the whole procedure" "Just leave everything to me" " Where to, Dolly?" " Yonkers." "To handle a highly personal matter for Mr. Vandergelder, the well-known unmarried half-a-millionaire." " Gonna marry him yourself?" " Why, Mr. Sullivan, whatever put such a preposterous idea into my head?" "Your head." "If you want a law abolished, jury swayed or toenails polished" "Just leave everything to me" "If you want your liver tested, glasses made, cash invested" "Just leave everything to me" "If you want your children coddled, corsets boned or furs remodelled" "Or some nice, fresh fricassee" "If you want your bustle shifted, wedding planned or bosom lifted" "Don't be ashamed, girls!" "Life is full of secrets and I keep 'em!" "I'll discreetly use my own discretion" "I'll arrange for making all arrangements" "I'll proceed to plan the whole procedure" "Just leave everything" "To me" " And I'm telling you that I will marry her!" " Not without my permission, you won't!" "This is a free country, not a private kingdom." "She's consented and I'll marry her." " I'm telling you that you won't." " I'm telling you I will." " Never." " Tomorrow." "Today." "Ermengarde is not for you." "You can't support her." "You are an artist." " I make a good living." " A living, Mr. Kemper, is made by selling something that everybody needs at least once a year." "And a million is made by producing something everybody needs every day." "You artists, you painters, produce nothing that nobody needs, never." "You might as well know, any way we can find to get married is right and fair and we'll do it." "You are an impractical, seven-foot-tall nincompoop." " That's an insult." " All the facts about you are insults." " Thank you for the honour of your visit." " Ermengarde is of age and there's no law..." "Law?" "The law is there to prevent crime." "Men of sense are there to prevent foolishness." "It is I that will prevent you from marrying my niece." "And I've already taken the necessary steps." "Mrs. Dolly Levi is on her way here even now." "Dolly Levi?" "Your marriage broker?" "Never mind that." "She'll pick up Ermengarde and take her to New York, and keep her there until this foolishness is over." " We'll see about that." " Thank you again for the honour..." "You have to sit still, Mr. Vandergelder." "If I cut your throat it will be practically unintentional." "90% of the people in this world are fools and the rest are in great danger of contamination." "Enough of this." "I'm a busy man with things to do." "A scraped chin is the least of them." "I did the best I could, Mr. Vandergelder." " Joe." " Yes?" "I've got special reasons for looking my best today." "Is there something a little extra you can do?" "A little special?" "What?" "You know, do some of those things you do to the young fellas." "Smarten me up a little bit." "Face massage." "A little perfume water." "All I know is 15 cents' worth, like usual, and that includes all that's decent to do." "Listen, I don't want you blabbing this, but I need something extra today because I'm going to New York to call on a very refined lady, name of Miss Irene Molloy." "Your calling' on ladies is none of my business, Mr. Vandergelder." " Hold your horses, Joe." " Uncle Horace!" " Uncle Horace!" " Yes, what is it?" " What have you done to Ambrose?" " I had a quiet talk with him." " You did?" " Yes, I explained to him that he's a fool." " Oh, Uncle!" " Weeping, weeping - a waste of water." "I've done you a good turn." "You'll thank me when you're 50." "But, Uncle, I love him." "Save your tears for New York, where they won't be noticed." " But I love him!" " You don't." " But I do!" " Leave those things to me." "If I don't marry Ambrose, I know I'll die!" " Of what?" " A broken heart." "Never heard of it." "Are you ready for Mrs. Levi when she comes?" "Yes." "Well, get ready some more and stay in your room until she arrives." "(Ermengarde sobs)" "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "Barnaby!" "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" " You stamped, Mr. Vandergelder?" " Yes, I stamped." "Are my niece's bags at the railroad station?" " Yes." " And you, did you label them properly?" " Yes." " Good." "I'm going to New York on important business, then I'll be marching in the parade." " Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." " I'm planning to stay at the Central Hotel." "We've never been here alone, Mr. Vandergelder." "Now, in honour of the occasion, I'll promote you both." "Cornelius, how old are you?" "28¾, Mr. Vandergelder." "Is that all?" "That's a foolish age to be at." "I thought you were 40." "No, I'm 28¾." "Well, a man's not worth a cent till he's 40." "We pay him wages until then to make mistakes." " Anyway, I'm promoting you to chief clerk." " Chief clerk?" " Yes." " Well, what am I now?" "You're an impertinent fool." "If you behave, I'll promote you from fool to chief clerk, with a raise in your wages." "Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder." "You, Barnaby, I'm promoting you from idiot apprentice to incompetent clerk." " Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder." " Mr. Vandergelder?" "Mr. Vandergelder?" "What is it?" "Does the chief clerk get one evening off a week?" "So that's how you thank me, eh?" "No, sir." "You'll attend to the store as usual." "You keep on asking for evenings free and you'll find you have all your days free." "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." "And when I come back I wanna hear that you ran the place perfectly." "If I hear of any foolishness, I'll fire you both." "(both) Yes." "You might as well know it now." "When I return there will be some changes around here." " You're going to have a mistress." " I'm too young, Mr. Vandergelder." "Not yours, idiot." "Mine." "I mean, I'm planning to get married." " Married?" " Yes, married." "Any objections?" "No, but..." "No, many congratulations, Mr. Vandergelder." " And to the lady." " That's none of your business." " Any questions?" " No, but..." " But what?" " But I mean..." " Speak up." " Why?" " Why what, damn it!" "Speak up!" " Why are you getting married?" "Let me tell you something, son." "I've worked hard and I've become rich and friendless and mean." "And in America it's about as far as you can go." "It's time to be doing something a little bit foolish." "Besides, I need a steady housekeeper." "It takes a woman, all powdered and pink" "To joyously clean out the drain in the sink" "And it takes an angel with long, golden lashes" "And soft Dresden fingers for dumping the ashes" "Yes, it takes a woman, a dainty woman" "A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife" "Oh, yes, it takes a woman" "A fragile woman" "To bring you the sweet things in life" "The frail young maiden, who's constantly there" "For washing and blueing, and shoeing the mare" "And it takes a female for setting the table" "And weaning the Guernsey and cleaning the stable" "Yes, it takes a woman" "A dainty woman" "A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife" "Oh, yes, it takes a woman" "A fragile woman" "To bring you the sweet things in life" "And so she'll work until infinity" "Three cheers for femininity" "(horse neighs)" "God bless fem-i-nin-i-ty" "And in the winter she'll shovel the ice" "And lovingly set out the traps for the mice" "She's a joy and treasure for, practically speaking," "To whom can you turn when the plumbing is leaking?" "To that dainty woman" "That fragile woman" "That sweetheart, that mistress, that wife" "That womanly wife" "Oh, yes, it takes a woman" "A husky woman" "To bring you the sweet things in life" "Oh, yes, it takes a woman" "A dainty woman" "A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife" "Oh, yes, it takes a woman" "A fragile woman" "To bring you the sweet things in life" "(Dolly) Well, well, well, well, well." "Good morning, Mr. Vandergelder." "Mr. Hackl." "Mr. Tucker." " Gentlemen." " Good morning, ma'am." "Uh, morning, Mrs. Levi." "How handsome you look today." "Ooh, you absolutely take my breath away." "Ermengarde is crying her eyes out." "You can take her to New York, but blow her nose first." "If only Irene Molloy could see you now." "Find someplace else to loaf." "And you two get back to the store." "Go on!" "And don't forget to put the lid on the sheep dip." "I don't know what's come over you lately, but you seem to be growing younger every day." "Well, if a man eats careful, there's no reason why he should look old." " You never said a truer word." " Even if I never see 40... uh, 35, again." "35." "I can see that you're the sort that will be stamping about at 100, eating five meals a day, like my Uncle Harry, may he rest in peace." "Let me see your hand, Mr. Vandergelder." "Oh, show me your hand." " Why?" " I'm a judge of hands." "I read hands." " And I use them to get things done." " Oh!" "Lord in heaven!" "Goodness gracious!" "Oh, I just can't believe it." "It's such a long lifeline." " Where?" " From here I don't know where it goes." "It runs right off your hand." "They'll have to hit you with a mallet." "They'll have to stifle you with a sofa pillow." "You'll bury us all." "I will?" "Say, you're all spiffed up today, aren't you?" " Yes." " And not for this smelly horse, either." "Well, if I had to guess, I'd say you was goin' somewhere." "Remarkable, Mrs. Levi." "How do you do it?" "Two and two is four, Mr. Vandergelder." "With a head like yours you'll be a rich woman someday." "That's exactly what I had in mind." "Then I suggest you go about your business and pick up Ermengarde," " for which I am paying you good money." " Speaking of business, Mr. Vandergelder," "I suppose you've given up all idea of getting married?" " Is that what you suppose?" " Uh-huh." "Then suppose you listen to this, Mrs. Levi." "I've decided I've practically decided to ask Irene Molloy to be my wife." " You have?" " Yes, I have." "I'm going to New York and discuss it with her this very afternoon." "Well, that is just about the best news I have ever heard, Mr. Vandergelder." "Oh, yes, indeed." "Marvellous news." "Oh, dear me." "Isn't it wonderful?" "I mean, I'm racking my brain, trying to think of something that's made me happier, but I just can't come up with a thing, because this is just too wonderful." "Well, it's all your fault, you know." "You put me into this marrying' frame of mind with all your introductions and scheming." " A widow has to earn a living." " One day I wake up" " and the house seems like an empty shell." " Certainly is." " And messy, too." " Certainly is." "A man needs someone to take out the garbage." "And Irene Molloy's just the one to do it." "Oh, darling girl." "Well, I think it's perfectly wonderful what's going to happen in your household." "I never did like the idea of all that money of yours lying around in piles in the bank, so useless and motionless." "As my late husband, Ephraim Levi, used to say:" ""Money should circulate like rainwater."" ""It should flow down among the people, through little dressmakers and restaurants, setting up a business here, furnishing a good time there."" "I just know that you and Mrs. Vandergelder will see that all your hard-earned wealth starts flowing in and around many people's lives, just flowing..." " All right." "Stop saying that!" " Pouring out..." "So there's nothing more for me to do but wish you happiness" " and say goodbye." " Yes, well, goodbye." "And when I get to New York, I'll tell the girl I had lined up for you, the heiress, not to wait." " What did you say?" " Oh, nothing, nothing." "A word. "Heiress."" "Well, just a minute." "That's kind of unusual, isn't it, Mrs. Levi?" "Well, I haven't been wearing myself to the bone hunting up usual girls to interest you." "But now all that's too late." "You're engaged to marry Irene Molloy." " I am not engaged." " I cannot keep upsetting the finest women around unless you mean business." " Who said I don't mean business?" " You're playing a very dangerous game." " Dangerous?" " Of course it's dangerous." "It's called" ""tampering with a woman's affections"." "The only way to save yourself from that charge is to get married to someone soon, very soon." " Don't worry." " I won't." "I'll meet you in front of Irene Molloy's hat shop at 2. 30." " Never mind." "You've done your work." " I wouldn't miss it for the world." "I want to be there to make sure nothing goes wrong." "Just tend to Ermengarde or else I'll ask you to return the fee I gave you for that." " Speaking of money..." " Oh, no." "How much?" "Well, I left my money in the handbag I took to the cleaner's just before it burned down." "20!" "Oh, bless you, and don't you worry your handsome head about a thing." "Just keep all your thoughts on that lovely Irene Molloy." "It takes a woman to quietly plan" "To take him and change him to her kind of man" "And to gently lead him where fortune can find him" "And not let him know" "That the power behind him" "Was that dainty woman" "That fragile woman" "That sweetheart" "That mistress" "That wife" "(Dolly hums)" "Da, da, da, da" "Da, da, da" "(sighs) If he had any taste at all, he'd have the shutters done over in green." "Mm, forest-green shutters." " (Ermengarde) What are you doing?" " (Ambrose) Hurry!" " My uncle..." " He just left." "Now quick!" "We're running away." " Running away?" " Hurry, before the train gets here!" " Train?" " To New York, to get married." " We're going to elope." " Elope?" "That's such an awful word." " Oh, Ermengarde." " My, what a romantic scene." "Oh, Mrs. Levi, please explain to Ambrose." "I wanna marry him, but not elope." " This doesn't concern Mrs. Levi." " Everything concerns Dolly Levi." " Don't listen to her." "I know why you're here." " To help." "Love needs all the help it can get." " Wait a minute." "Listen to me." " There's no time." "Can we climb in?" "I feel an updraught in my underpants." " Oh, Mrs. Levi!" " This is no way to elope." "If you follow my suggestions, not only will he let you marry but he'll dance at your wedding." "And not alone, either." "Mr. Kemper, can you dance?" " Dance?" "I'm an artist, Mrs. Levi." "I paint." " No problem." " "Mrs. Levi." "Painters taught how to dance."" " Here's what we'll do." " I'm going to take you to New York." " See?" "I told you." "You will stay close by." "Tonight you will take her to dinner at the Harmonia Gardens." "There's this man, Rudolph Reisenweber." "He knows me well." "We'll enter you in the polka contest." "The prize is a gold cup and some money, and you'll win it." " Oh, the cups we won, my husband and I." " Now, wait a minute." "I'm surprised you have acquaintances in a place like that." "Not acquaintances, Ermengarde." "Friends." "Dear friends from days gone by." "My late husband, Ephraim Levi, believed in life, any place you could find it, wherever there were people, all kinds of people." "And every Friday night, even when times were bad, every Friday night, like clockwork, down those stairs of the Harmonia Gardens we came, Ephraim and I." "Not acquaintances, Ermengarde." "Friends." "It's all very well for you, but you're suggesting that we..." "Mr. Kemper, do you or do you not wish to show Horace that you mean business?" "Yes!" "All right, then." "Go to the Harmonia Gardens and say that Mrs. Levi sent you." "And, oh... yes, well, tell Rudolph..." "Tell Rudolph that Dolly's coming back." "Dolly's coming back?" "And I want a table for two and a chicken for eight o'clock." "Mr. Vandergelder will learn of your triumph and everything will work out beautifully." " But how, Mrs. Levi?" "How?" " How?" "Oh." "28¾ years old and I still don't get an evening free." "When am I gonna begin to live?" "Barnaby?" "How much money have you got?" " H uh?" " I mean, that you can get your hands on?" " About three dollars." "Why?" " Barnaby, you and I are going to New York." "Cornelius, we can't." "Close the store?" "We'll have to, cos some rotten cans of chicken mash are going to explode." "Holy cabooses!" "How do you know?" "Because I'll light some candles under them." "They'll make such a stink that customers won't be able to come in for 24 hours." "That'll get us an evening free." "We are going to New York and we are gonna live." "We're gonna have a good meal, be in danger, get almost arrested." " And we're gonna spend all our money." " Holy cabooses!" "And one more thing." "We are not coming back to Yonkers until we've each kissed a girl." "Cornelius, you can't do that." "You don't know any girls." "I'm 28¾." "I gotta begin sometime." "I'm only 19½." "With me it's not so urgent." "May I make a suggestion, gentlemen?" "Mrs. Levi." " I just couldn't help hearing." " We'll be fired." " We were only talking." " Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker, there is nothing that makes me happier than the thought of two fine young men enjoying the company of two lovely ladies." " What ladies?" "Where?" " In New York, Mr. Hackl, to which, unless my ears play me tricks, you are bound." "Now, there's this millinery shop run by a charming woman." " "Irene Molloy"?" " And her attractive assistant, Minnie Fay." "And now that you've noted the address, I have only this to say." "Two o'clock in the afternoon there is the ideal time for friendly conversation." "Definitely no later than 2. 30." "And if you ever say that this was my suggestion, well, I should denounce you both for the terrible liars that you are." " A millinery shop." " Women who work!" " Adventure, Barnaby." " I'm scared." " Living, Barnaby." " I'm scared." " Will ya come, Barnaby?" " Yes, Cornelius!" "Yes!" "The lights of Broadway!" "Elevated trains!" "The stuffed whale at Barnum's museum!" "Stuffed whale!" "Wow!" "Women who work!" "Wow!" "All clear up here, Cornelius!" "You gonna light 'em all?" "Cornelius, look out!" "That bottom row, they're swelled up like they're ready to burst!" " Holy cabooses!" "What a smell!" " Let's get dressed, Barnaby." "We're going to New York!" "Out there" "There's a world outside of Yonkers" "Way out there beyond this hick town, Barnaby" "There's a slick town, Barnaby" "Out there" "Full of shine and full of sparkle" "Close your eyes and see it glisten, Barnaby" "Listen, Barnaby" "(explosions)" "Put on your Sunday clothes, there's lots of world out there" "Get out the brilliantine and dime cigars" "We're gonna find adventure in the evening air" "Girls in white in a perfumed night" "Where the lights are bright as the stars" "Put on your Sunday clothes, we're gonna ride through town" "In one of those new horse-drawn open cars" "We'll see the shows at Delmonico's" "And we'll close the town in a whirl" "And we won't come home until we've kissed a girl" "Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out" "Strut down the street and have your picture took" "Dressed like a dream your spirits seem to turn about" "That Sunday shine is a certain sign" "That you feel as fine as you look" "Beneath your parasol the world is all a smile" "That makes you feel brand-new down to your toes" "Get out your feathers, your patent leathers" "Your beads and buckles and bows" "For there's no blue Monday in your Sunday" "No Monday in your Sunday" "No Monday in your Sunday clothes" "Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out" "Strut down the street and have your picture took" "Dressed like a dream your spirits seem to turn about" "That Sunday shine is a certain sign" "That you feel as fine as you look" "Beneath your parasol the world is all a smile" "That makes you feel brand-new down to your toes" "Get out your feathers, your patent leathers" "Your beads and buckles and bows" "For there's no blue Monday in your Sunday clothes" "Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out" "Strut down the street and have your picture took" "Dressed like a dream your spirits seem to turn about" "That Sunday shine is a certain sign" "That you feel as fine as you look" "Beneath your bowler brim the world's a simple song" "A lovely lilt that makes you tilt your nose" "Get out your slickers" "Your flannel knickers" "Your red suspenders and hose" "For there's no blue Monday" "In your Sunday" "No blue Monday" "In your Sunday clothes" "Ermengarde, keep smiling." "No man wants a little ninny." "Ambrose, do a turn, let me see." "Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker, don't forget Irene and Minnie, just forget you ever heard a word from me." "All aboard!" "All aboard!" "All aboard!" "Put on your Sunday clothes, there's lots of world out there" "Put on your silk cravat and patent shoes" "We're gonna find adventure in the evening air" "To town we'll trot to a smoky spot" "Where the girls are hot as a fuse" "Put on your silk high hat and at the turned-up cuff" "We'll wear a handmade grey suede buttoned glove" "You're gonna take New York by storm" "We'll join the Astors at Tony Pastor's" "And this I'm positive of" "That we won't come home" "No, we won't come home" "No, we won't come home until we fall in love" "Do get done with that, Minnie." "The men are eyeing us for the wrong reason." " A banana a day keeps the doctor away." " An apple a day." "Do doctors slip on apple peels?" " How are you, Miss Molloy?" " If I felt any better I'd be indecent." " You are in a mood today." " I certainly am." "Not that it's any of my business..." "Oh, but is it because...?" "I mean..." "I don't mind that you never finish lunch, but I mind that you never finish sentences." "Well, what I meant was, are you really going to?" "Silly girl, say it." "Am I going to marry Horace Vandergelder?" "Yes, I'm seriously considering it, if he asks me." "Oh, I'd rather die on the rack than ask you such a personal question, but why would you?" "Because he's rich, that's why." "He can rescue me from the millinery business." "I hate hats." " Hate hats?" " A good afternoon to you, Officer Gogarty." "And the rest of the day to you, Miss Molloy." "Ah, Minnie, why is it that all the attractive men in New York are married?" "Blarney, Miss Molloy!" "Blarney!" "Come on now, get going, all of you." "(Irene and Minnie laugh)" " Oh, the way you talk!" " It's natural to talk about men." " I mean, what you said about hating hats." " Particularly the women who buy them." " You don't mean that." " Oh, yes, I do, Minnie Fay." "All lady milliners are suspected of being wicked women." "Half the time those dowagers who come in, come in merely to stare and wonder." "Oh, how dare they!" "And if they were sure, they'd not set foot in the shop again." " Well, good riddance." "Who needs them?" " We do, unfortunately." "So, do I go out to restaurants?" "No, it would be bad for business." "Do I go to balls or theatres or operas?" "No, it would be bad for business." "The only men I ever meet are the feather merchants who come to sell me things." "Minnie, I'm tired of being suspected of being a wicked woman with nothing to show for it." "Miss Molloy!" "Why does everybody have adventures but me?" " Adventures?" " Because I have no spirit, no gumption." "Either I marry Horace Vandergelder or I'm gonna burn this shop down, break out like a fire engine and find myself some excitement." "The things you're saying today." "They're just awful." "Oh, aren't they, though?" "And I'm enjoying every word of it." "What's this?" "A return from Miss Mortimer again?" "Same old story." "She wants cherries and feathers." "To catch a beau, I suppose." "If you ask me, she'd do better with a heavy veil." "I told her ribbons down the back is the thing to catch a gentleman's eye." "But she'd have none of it." "Minnie, make another hat for Miss Mortimer." "I'm wearing this one myself." " Oh, but you can't." " Why not?" "Oh, because it's... it's provocative." "That's why not." "Well, who knows that "provocative" isn't just what I might wanna be today." "I'll be wearing ribbons down my back" "This summer" "Blue and green and streaming in the yellow sky" "So if someone special comes my way" "This summer" "He might notice me" "Passing by" "And so I'll try to make it easier to find me" "In the stillness of July" "Because a breeze might stir a rainbow up behind me" "That might happen to catch" "The gentleman's eye" "And he might smile and take me by the hand" "This summer" "Making me recall how lovely love can be" "And so I will proudly wear" "Ribbons down my back" "Shining in my hair" "That he might notice me" "Miss Molloy, you don't love Horace Vandergelder, do you?" " Of course I don't love him." " Then how can you..." "I mean...?" "Minnie, look." "There are two men staring at the shop." " Men?" " Uh-huh." "Aren't they delicious?" "You don't think...?" "Yes, I do believe they mean to come in here." " Men in the shop?" "What'll we do?" " Why, flirt with them, of course." " I'll give you the short one." " You're terrible." "We'll heat them up and drop them cold." "Good practice for married life." " Let's pretty ourselves up a bit." " If you say "vamp", I'll scream." " Vamp!" " Agh!" "I must say, I like the tall one." "Adventure, Barnaby." "We can still catch the train back to Yonkers." "I feel dizzy." "Or go see the stuffed whale at the museum." "Women, Barnaby." "Stuffed women!" "There's no one here." "We can leave." "I'd never forgive myself." "Agh!" "Are you sure this is an adventure, Cornelius?" "You don't have to ask." "When you're in one, you'll know it all right." " How much money is left?" " 40 cents for the train, 30 cents for dinner and 20 cents to see the whale." "Well, when they come out, we'll pretend we're rich." " That way we won't have to spend a thing." " Why not say that Mrs. Levi sent us?" "No, we're not supposed to ever say that." "Shh!" "We're two men about town looking for hats for ladies." "What ladies?" ""Good afternoon, ma'am." "Wonderful weather we're having."" ""How do you do, ma'am?" "And how are your hats?"" ""Charmed to make your acquaintance." "Lovely place you have here."" "Good afternoon, gentlemen." " Cornelius Hackl here." " Barnaby Tucker here." "Irene Molloy here." "I'm very happy to meet you." "Is there anything I can do for you?" "See, we're two ladies about town lookin' for hats to Molloy..." "We're hats, you see, and wondered if we could buy a lady or two to Molloy with for..." "We want a hat." "Well, for a lady, of course." "And everyone said to go to Miss Molloy's cos she's so pretty." "I mean her hats are so pretty." "And what sort of hat would Mrs. Hackl be liking?" "Oh, no, Miss Molloy, there is no Mrs. Hackl." "Yes, there is." "Your mother." "She didn't mean that." " Did you, Miss Molloy?" " Now, this lady friend of yours, couldn't she come in with you someday and choose the hat herself?" "Impossible." "There is no lady friend." "But I thought you said that you were coming here to choose..." " I mean, she's Barnaby's." " Huh?" "What?" "Yes, but she lives in Yonkers and she said to pick out something reasonable." " Under a dollar." " Don't be silly, Barnaby." " Money's no object with us." "None at all." " (Minnie coughs)" "Oh, this is my assistant, Miss Minnie Fay." "Mr. Hackl." "Mr. Tucker." " Good afternoon, ma'am." " Afternoon ma'am." "Excuse me, Mr. Tucker, did you say Yonkers?" "Yes, ma'am, we're from Yonkers." "Well, are you?" "Yes." "And, forgive me for saying this, but you should see Yonkers, Miss Molloy." "Well, perhaps you and your gentleman friend here in New York might like to see it." "Some say it's the most beautiful town in the world." " That's what they say." " So I've heard." "But I'm afraid I don't have a gentleman friend here in New York." "You don't?" "Barnaby, she doesn't have a gentleman friend." "Hey, that's too bad." "You know, if you should happen to have a Sunday free..." "You're Catholic, aren't you?" "Don't let that worry you." "I'd be willing to change." "If you're free in the near future, I'd..." "Well, we'd like to show you Yonkers from top to bottom." "It's very historic." "As a matter of fact, I might be there sooner than you think." " This Sunday?" " I have a friend who lives in Yonkers." " You do?" " Perhaps you know him." "I do?" "It's always so foolish to ask in cases like that, isn't it?" "Why should you know him?" "It's a Mr. Vandergelder." "Mr. Vandergelder?" "Oh!" " Horace Vandergelder?" " Of Vandergelder's Hay and Feed?" " Yes." "Do you know him?" " (both) Oh, no!" "No!" "No, no, no, no, no, no..." "As a matter of fact, he's coming here to see me this very afternoon." " Coming here?" " This afternoon?" "Cornelius!" "Cornelius, look!" "(Barnaby) It's a wolf trap." "Look out!" " Begging your pardon." " What are you doing?" " We'll explain later." "Help us just this once." " Come out of there this minute." "We're as innocent as can be, Miss Molloy." "Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker, I insist that you both come out or I'll be forced to..." "Mr. Vandergelder, how nice to see you." " And Dolly Levi, what a surprise." " Irene, my darling, how well you look." " You must be in love." " Afternoon, Miss Molloy." "What a pleasure to have you in New York, Mr. Vandergelder." "Yes, Yonkers lies up there decimated today." "We thought we'd pay you a little visit, Irene." "Unless it's inconvenient?" "Inconvenient?" "Whatever gave you that idea?" "Mr. Vandergelder thought he saw two customers in the shop." "Two, uh, men?" "Men?" "In a ladies' hat shop?" "Come, let's go into my workroom." "I'm so eager for you to see it." " I've already seen it twice." " But I need your advice." "Advice from Mr. Vandergelder." "The whole city should hear this and grow rich." "Advice is cheap." "It's what comes gift-wrapped that counts." " I have never heard it put more beautifully." " Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder." "Chocolate-covered peanuts." "Unshelled." "They're the expensive kind." " Why don't we open them in the workroom?" " I've come here today because I've important business to discuss with you, just as soon as Mrs. Levi says goodbye." "Pay no attention to me." "I'm just browsing." "Business, Mr. Vandergelder?" "The hay and feed business?" " Well, not exactly." " A new hat shop in Yonkers?" "I hear it's a very beautiful city and quite historic, according..." "Yes, go on." "Who's been telling you about Yonkers, may I ask?" "Nobody." "A friend." "What friend?" "Well, you see, he..." " He?" " Yes, uh... he..." " H is name, Miss Molloy?" " What?" "His name?" "Oh, I believe it was... is..." "Mr. Cornelius Hackl of Yonkers." " Cornelius Hackl?" " Yes." "Do you know him?" " He's my head clerk." " He is?" "He's been with me for ten years." "Where would you have known him?" "Ah, just one of those chance meetings." "Yes, oh, yes, one of those chance meetings." "Chance meetings?" "Cornelius Hackl has no right to chance meetings." "Where was it?" "Really, it's very unlike you to question me in such a way." "Well, the truth might as well come out now as later." "Your head clerk is better known than you think." "Nonsense." "He's here all the time." "He goes everywhere." "He's well-liked." "Everybody knows Cornelius Hackl." "He never comes here." "He works all day and then goes to sleep in the bran room at nine." " So you think, but it's not true." " Dolly Levi, you are mistaken." "Horace Vandergelder, you keep your nose so deep in your accounts you don't know what goes on." "By day, Cornelius Hackl is your faithful, trusted clerk, but by night... oh, by night..." "He leads a double life, that is all." "Why, he is... why, he's..." "why, he's here... at the opera." "At the great restaurants, in all the fashionable homes." "He's even at the Harmonia Gardens three times a week." "The fact is, Mr. Vandergelder, he is the wittiest, the gayest, the naughtiest, most delightful man in New York City." "He's the famous Cornelius Hackl." "It ain't the same man." "If I thought Cornelius Hackl came to New York, I'd discharge him." "Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's carriage and pulled her through the streets?" "Who dressed up as a waiter and took an oyster and dropped it right down...?" " It's too wicked." "I can't say it." " Say it!" " No, but it was Cornelius Hackl." " Where'd he get the money?" " Oh, he's very rich." " Rich?" "I keep his money in my old safe." "He has $145. 36" "Oh, you are killing me." "He is one of the Hackls." " The Hackls?" " Yes, they built the Raritan Canal." " Then why work for me?" " Well, I'll tell ya." "I don't wanna hear it." "I have a headache." "It ain't the same man." "He sleeps in my bran room." "I just made him my chief clerk." "If you had sense, you'd make him a partner." "Irene, I can see you're quite taken with him." "But I only met him once." "Now, don't you be thinking of marrying him." " Darling, what are you saying?" " He breaks hearts like hickory nuts." " (Horace) Who?" " Cornelius Hackl." "Miss Molloy, how long has he been calling on you?" "Mr. Vandergelder, suppose I were to tell you that he has not been calling on me?" " Excuse me." " Not now, Minnie." " Aaagh!" " Stop singing." " There's a man!" " That's not amusing." "And we don't wish to be interrupted." "Go back to the workroom immediately." "Immediately." " The poor dear is tired from overwork." " If there's a man in there, we'll get him out!" " Whoever you are, come out of there!" " Do you realise what you're saying?" " I certainly do." " Now just a minute." "Before you make another move or say another word that you might regret," " allow me." " Dolly." "Stand back." "There, you see?" "So much for this nonsense about that darling girl hiding a man in there." "I think we'll just forget you ever said it." "It's forgotten." " (Cornelius sneezes)" " Because there's nobody in there." " Atchoo!" " God bless you." "Miss Molloy?" "Yes, Mr. Vandergelder, there is a man in there." " I see." " There also happens to be an explanation." "For the present, I think I should just thank you for your visit and say good afternoon." "(Barnaby sneezes)" "Atchoo!" " Another?" " Another." "Good Lord, the whole room is crawling with men." "Irene, darling, congratulations." "Miss Molloy, I shan't trouble you again." "And I hope vice versa." "Horace, where are you going?" "To march in the 14th Street parade with the kind of people I can trust." "700 men." "Shut up!" " Now." " (all talk at once)" " Have you met Miss Minnie Fay?" " Leave my shop or I'll call Officer Gogarty." "Irene, there's no fun in the jailhouse." " (shouting)" " Everybody, don't talk at once." " Just because you're rich..." " Don't deny it." "Doesn't mean you shouldn't make up for this." " We'll do anything." " This is Cornelius Hackl." " We've already met." "How do you do?" " Jail is absolutely out." " Cornelius, explain to her." " I'm Cornelius Hackl." " It seems to me..." " Yes, the only way to make up for it..." "Irene, send for the law at once." "You can have them put away for years on a charge like this." "Help, police!" "Only, have dinner with them first." "That's to show that you tried to settle amicably." "That's how to do it." "Dinner first, life imprisonment later." "It'll be a lovely evening." "Who knows what'll happen before you send them off to jail?" " Mr. Hackl?" " Oh, by all means." " It's what we had in mind all along." " Minnie, we've been respectable for years." "Now we're in disgrace, we might as well make the most of it." " It is the only sensible thing to do." " Cornelius..." "Now, I know a doughnut shop in the station." "Doughnut shop?" "Certainly not." "We want a fine dinner in a fashionable place." "And I know just the place." "The Harmonia Gardens on 14th Street." " Your favourite restaurant." " Wait a minute..." "The finest food that money can buy and a lovely orchestra." "A polka contest tonight." " Ooh, dancing." " Rudolph will give you the best table." " We could never go there." " It sounds marvellous." "Come, Minnie." "We'll close the shop and take the whole afternoon off." "Oh, I mean, we could never..." "Don't misunderstand me, it isn't the money or anything..." "It's the... the..." "What, Mr. Hackl?" "It's the dancing." "You see, I don't know how." "And they have contests at the Harmonia... whatever it is." "You said so yourself, and I don't know how." "It would take weeks, months, years to learn." ""Mrs. Dolly Levi. 28¾-year-old chief clerks taught how to d..."" "Now, you just put one arm here and one arm there." "It's no use." "I have no sense of rhythm." "Absolutely no sense of rhythm is the primary requirement for learning by the Levi method." "Just give me five minutes." "I'll have you dancing in the streets." "I think we'll start with lesson seven:" "the waltz kick turn." "Right foot, touch, left foot, touch, under, back, around, touch." "Back, through, around, behind." "Out, over... release... unfurl!" "Oh, oh, that's just absolutely wonderful, Mr. Hackl." "When I think of the lucky women who'll find heaven in your arms!" "I think we'll go back to lesson one, shall we?" "Put your hand on her waist and stand, with her right in your left hand." "And..." "One." "That's right." "And one, two, three." "Ah!" "One, two, three." "Oh, no." "This one." "And one, two, three." "One, two, three." "Look!" "I'm dancing!" " I was." " Of course you were, Mr. Hackl." "Take the someone whose arms you're in" "Hold on to her tight" "And spin" "And one, two, three" "One, two, three" "One, two, three" "Look!" "I'm dancing!" "Ah!" "Come here." "Turn around and turn around, try floating through the air" "Can 't you be a little more aesthetic?" "Don't you think my dancing has a polish and a flair?" "The word I think I'd use is athletic." "Well, my heart is about to burst" "My head is about to pop" "And now that I'm dancing who cares if I ever stop?" "That's wonderful." "Look, everybody!" "I, Cornelius Hackl, sport, I'm dancing!" "You're next, Mr. Tucker." "Glide and step" "And then step and glide" "And everyone stand aside!" "Not... not yet, Mr. Tucker." "One, two, three." "One, two, three." "One, two, three, one..." " Look!" "He's dancing!" " I think he's holdin' out on us." "You could learn to polka if you worked a week or so" "Or the tango filled with passion seething" "I might join the chorus of the Castle Garden show" "Whatever you do, Mr. Tucker, keep breathing." "For my heart is about to burst" "My head is about to pop" "And now that we're dancing who cares if we ever stop?" "Oh." "When there's someone you hardly know" "And wish you were closer to" "Remember that he can be near to you while you're dancing" "Though you've only just said hello" "She's suddenly someone who can make all your daydreams appear to you" "While you're dancing" "Make the music weave a spell" "Whirl away your worry" "Things look almost twice as well" "When they're slightly blurry" "As around and around you go" "Your spirits will hit the top" "And now that we're dancing who cares if we ever stop?" "One, two, three." "One, two, three." "One, two, three." "One, two, three" "And now that we're dancing who cares if we ever stop?" "Dolly!" "Dolly, Cornelius is taking us to see the parade." "Everyone will be marching." " Come on, Mrs. Levi." " Dolly, the world is full of wonderful things." "Hurry, before the parade passes by!" "Yes, I will." "I will." "Before the parade passes by." "Before it all moves on" "And only I'm left" "Before the parade passes by" "I've got to get in step" "While there's still time left" "I'm ready to move out in front" "Life without life has no reason or rhyme left" "With the rest of them" "With the best of them" "I wanna hold my head up high" "I need a goal again" "I need a drive again" "I wanna feel my heart coming alive again" "Before the parade" "Passes by" "Ephraim, let me go." "It's been long enough, Ephraim." "Every night, just like you'd want me to, I've put out the cat, made myself a rum toddy, and, before I went to bed, said a little prayer thanking God that I was independent." "That no one else's life was mixed up with mine." "But lately, Ephraim," "I've begun to realise that for a long time I have not shed one tear." "Nor have I been for one moment outrageously happy." "Now, Horace Vandergelder, he's always saying the world is full of fools." "And in a way, he's right, isn't he?" "I mean, himself, Cornelius, Irene, myself..." "But there comes a time when you've got to decide if you want to be a fool among fools, or a fool alone." "Well, I have made that decision, Ephraim, but I would feel so much better about it if... if you could just give me a sign, any kind of a sign that you approve." "I'm going back, Ephraim." "I've decided to join the human race again." "And, Ephraim, I want you to give me away." "Before the parade passes by" "I've got to go and taste Saturday's high life" "Before the parade passes by" "I've got to get some life back into my life" "I'm ready to move out in front" "I've had enough of just passing by life" "With the rest of them" "With the best of them" "I can hold my head up high" "For I've got a goal again" "I've got a drive again" "I'm gonna feel my heart coming alive again" "Before the parade" "Passes by" "(cheering)" "Waah!" "Waah!" "Present arms!" "Present arms!" "Dolly Levi!" "Hi!" "Gussie Granger?" "What are you doing here?" "Earning an honest dollar, which is more than I've made on a legitimate stage in two years." "Pity on you." "But the meat packers' float?" "Ha!" "Listen, if there was more money in it, I'd play one of the pigs." "I came here for some privacy." "I owe you an apology and I didn't want to let it go another minute." "You owe me the fee I gave you for getting me tangled up with that collector of men's hats." "Yes, Irene, she was a disappointment, darling girl." "I'll have you know the confectioner gave me back every cent for the peanuts." "I'm sorry." "I never give cash refunds." "However, being a woman who believes in giving service that's been paid for," " I've arranged to make it up to you." " Let me make one thing clear." "You have been discharged as my marriage broker." "I have no use for one." "From now on, you are just a woman like anyone else." " I am?" " And I'm just a man like anyone else, and, like anyone else, I'll do what I can to avoid the introductions you specialise in." "Well, I can understand your feelings, and I am here today, marching beside you, to assure you that there will be no further need for my services after dinner tonight." " Dinner?" " 7. 30 at the Harmonia Gardens." "It's all arranged." "Private room." "She'll be waiting." " Who?" "Who-who-who'll be waiting?" " Who-who-who'll be waiting?" "The very rich, very beautiful lady I referred to when I saw you in Yonkers this morning." "The heiress to a fortune, remember?" "(whistle blows)" "I'm not interested." "What's her name?" "Uh..." "Ernestina." "I'm not interested." "What's her last name?" "Simple... uh, Simple." "Ernestina Simple." " Can she cook?" " Can she cook?" "Frankly, I never understood why a girl who could afford every servant around makes all her own meals, on a solid gold stove." " She's a fool." "I'm not interested in fools." " Neither am I. Good day." " Good day." " Don't forget. 7. 30, Harmonia Gardens." "And rent some evening clothes." "She's fussy." "Dolly Levi, you are a damned exasperating woman!" "Why, Horace Vandergelder, that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me." "When the parade passes by" "Listen and hear that brass harmony growing" "When the parade passes by" "Pardon me if my old spirit is showing" "All of those lights over there" "Seem to be telling me where I'm going" "When the whistles blow" "And the cymbals crash" "And the sparklers light the sky" "I'm gonna raise the roof" "I'm gonna carry on" "Give me an old trombone" "Give me an old baton" "Before the parade" "Passes by" "("Before the Parade Passes By" instrumental)" "("Put On Your Sunday Clothes" instrumental)" "Cornelius, are you sure they're just changing their clothes?" " Don't worry, they'll be here." " I get dressed in less than three minutes." " Women wear more." " They do?" "Underneath." "Cornelius, maybe we should leave while there's time." " Never." " We've seen everything." "The parade, the Statue of Liberty, the stuffed whale at Barnum's museum." " I could die a happy man now." " It'll be worth it, no matter what happens." "The worst anybody can do is put us in jail." "But as long as we live we'll never forget the night we took Irene Molloy and Minnie Fay to dinner at Harmonia Gardens," " on less than a dollar." " Cornelius, wake up." "And there's another reason we can't go back." "One more thing we promised to do before we go and turn into a couple of Vandergelders." "Cornelius!" "You're not thinking of kissing Miss Molloy?" " Maybe." " She'll scream." "Barnaby, you don't know anything about women." " Only that we can't afford 'em." " You should know that everyone except us goes through life kissing right and left all the time." "They do?" "Yes." "I often wondered about that." "(both gasp)" " Smile, Barnaby." " I'm smiling." " Look rich and gay and charming." " I'm looking gay and charming." "Hello." " Here we are." " Hello." "Cornelius." "Haa..." "I'm pleased to meet you, Miss Molloy." "No last names." "After all we've been through together this afternoon, it's Irene and Minnie." "Irene." " Ohh..." " Ohhh..." " Does that count, Cornelius?" " I don't think so." "Count?" "You see, we were counting here, while we were waiting." "I hear all rich people do nothing but count their money." "I'm so hungry." "Why don't we go in here and have some hors d'oeuvres first?" " No, no, no." " It's very fashionable." " It would spoil our appetites." " Or we could have an apéritif." "It's out of the question." "Barnaby and I don't agree with that sort of thing." " But all those people do." " Well, they simply don't know that a a... péritif is no longer considered elegant." " Oh, it isn't?" " Hasn't been for years." "In that case, it's on to Harmonia Gardens for dinner." "Call a hack." " Hack?" " All my life I've wanted to ride in a hack." " Oh, there's one." "Yoo-hoo!" " No, no." "We can't do that." "I mean, it isn't the money or anything it's just that, nowadays, really elegant people never take hacks." " Hacks is out." " They all go by streetcar." "Then, by all means, we go by streetcar." "I've been elegant all my life and I never knew it." "Of course, if you really want to be really elegant..." " Oh, we do." " We do." "You'll walk." "Yes, New York" "It's really us:" "Barnaby and Cornelius" "All the guests of Mr. Hackl are feeling great and look spectacular" "What a knack" "There is to that acting like a born aristocrat" "We got elegance" "If you ain't got elegance" "You can never, ever carry it off" "All who are well-bred agree" "Minnie Fay has pedigree" "Exercise your wildest whims tonight" "We are out with Diamond Jims tonight" "Could they be misleading us?" "Silver spoons were used for feeding us" "We got elegance" "If you ain't got elegance" "You can never, ever carry it off" "(dog barks)" "Snobs that slobs" "Throw roses at." "We look down" "Our noses at" "Pity all the other girls around" "When I swing my perfect pearls around" "Snubbing folks is chic to us" "Sometimes we don't even speak to us" "If you ain't got elegance" "You can never, ever carry it off" "If you please." "Middle class don't speak of it" "Savoir-faire, we reek of it" "Some were born with rags and patches" "But we use dollar bills for matches and" "Vanderbilt kowtows to us" "JP Morgan scrapes and bows to us" "We got elegance" "We were born with elegance" "I behave like Walter Raleigh" "When the streets are full of mud" "And the bluest huckleberry" "Isn't bluer than my blood" "Have you noticed when I hold my cup" "The saucer never moves" "And the way I keep my pinkie up" "Indubitably proves that" "We got elegance" "We got built-in elegance" "And with elegance" "Elegance, elegance, elegance" "Elegance" "We'll carry it off" "Horace, Horace Vandergelder" "Mrs. Horace Vandergelder" "Just leave everything to me" "Though it won't be like the first time" "How can it be like the first time?" "But why does it have to be?" "Don't look for shooting stars" "For love is only love" "You touch, and still you touch the ground" "Don't listen for those bells" "For love is only love" "And if it's love you've found" "Your heart won't hear a sound" "And when you hold his hand" "You only hold his hand" "The violins are all a bluff" "But if you're really wise" "The silence of his eyes" "Will tell you love is only love" "And it's wonderful enough" "Without the shooting stars" "Without the sound of bells" "Without the violins" "Love is wonderful" "Enough" "Good evening." "Good evening." "Straighten up." "Walk erect." "Pleasure." "Good evening." "How nice to see you." "Psst!" "No expression." "Let the food smile." "And how are you this evening?" "Charming, charming." "You!" "You there!" "Come up here at once." "Yes, you." "How dare you keep me standing here this long?" "As soon as Mr. Vandergelder arrives, you will be seated, Miss Simple." "Now look here, garçon." "My name is Rudolph." "Rudolph Reisenweber." "And why, may I ask, can I not wait at the table?" "Please." "Please." "Harmonia Gardens does not consider it proper, a lady alone." " Perhaps if you'll let me take your wrap." " Ohh!" "Don't touch me." "Where?" " If you will excuse me." " Certainly not." "Yes?" "What can I do for you?" "How are ya, Adolf?" "How's my old friend?" " I am Rudolph." " Oh, of course." "Rudolph." "We'd like a little something to eat." "You know?" "In what name is the reservation, please?" " Reservation?" " I'm afraid there is nothing available." " Come on, let's go." " Do you know who he is?" "This is Cornelius Hackl." "The Cornelius Hackl." " Tell him about the Rockefellers." " The Rockefellers?" "I see." "Look, I know a little place up the block." "I think I have something." "Yes, I think I have something." "Follow me, if you will." "Dining room number two." " It is the last one." "Very private." " It is?" " Very exclusive." " It is?" " Very fashionable." " Don't say another word." "And very expensive." "That was the word." " How beautiful!" " How elegant!" "How much?" "Cornelius, I thought you said everyone knew you." "Oh, don't worry." "They will after tonight." " (whispers)" " She is?" "She is?" "I don't believe it!" "Eight o'clock, table for two, and a chicken." "Mrs. Dolly Levi coming here after such a long absence!" "It is too happy to be true." "That's the message she told me to give you." "Who?" "Who are these people?" "They look truthful." "If you're gonna spend all evening acting like a scared rabbit, maybe I'll order lettuce." "Oh, how can you be so brave?" "It's unfair." "Just try to keep remembering Mrs. Levi's advice." "I only wanted to marry you, not perform in public." " There's nobody here who knows us." " Oh, Ambrose, are you sure?" "Sweetheart, have I ever been wrong?" "Sir?" " Vandergelder's the name." " Yes, Mr. Vandergelder." "There's a Miss Ernestina Simple supposed to be waiting." "Right there, Mr. Vandergelder." "No, you didn't understand what I said..." "But perfectly." "Mr. Vandergelder is here, Miss Simple." "Yes, so I see." " Oh, good evening, Miss Simple." " I hope so, Mr. Vandergelder." " All right, my good man." " Fritz, private dining room number one." " Follow me, if you will." " You may take my arm." "And, unless you are suffering from a head cold, kindly remove your hat." "Achtung!" "I have an important announcement to make." "After an absence of several years, there will return to the Harmonia Gardens tonight the lady who always had the happiest smile, the warmest heart, and the largest appetite in the city of New York." " It's Dolly." " Dolly?" " Dolly!" " (all) Dolly!" "Dolly!" "Dolly!" "Dolly!" "Dolly!" "Attention!" "It is therefore my order, as head waiter of the Harmonia Gardens, and your supreme commander, that tonight of all nights our usual lightning service will be twice as lightning as ever." "Or else!" "Waiter, write this down." "Mock turtle soup, roast pheasant under glass." " Pheasant?" " I'll have the same, and some champagne." " Champagne?" " What would you like, sir?" "Six months off for good behaviour?" "What do you mean, "oysters aren't in season"?" "Anybody can have oysters in season." "I want them out of season." "They don't have any, Miss Simple." "Then tell 'em to go out and dig for some." "Oh!" " Hello again." " Here we are." " We thought something happened." " Don't worry." "It will." "(applause)" "Barnaby, Irene, Minnie," "I feel so good about everything, so good about this whole day, that I am now going to become an honest man and tell the truth." "Cornelius?" "I'd forgotten what strange things happen to men when they drink." "If I tell you the truth, will you let me put my arm around your waist?" "Good heavens!" "You can do that even if you lie to me." "I've never touched a woman before." "You still haven't." "That's my corset." " You're a wonderful person, Irene." " Thank you, Cornelius." "And that's why I have to tell you the truth." "If it'll make you feel better." "It's all those fancy things that Mrs. Levi said about me." "Oh, yes." "Well, they're just not so." "Indeed?" "Irene, I'm not rich." "Not rich?" "I'm not any of the things Mrs. Levi said I was." "And neither is Barnaby." "We're not sports, we don't know anybody." "We never come to New York." "We never do anything except work for Mr. Vandergelder all day and clean up the store at night." "And we wanted so much to have one day of adventure, that we ran away from Yonkers and told a lot of lies." "Ah, well, look at us." "A pair of penniless pretenders." "But, Cornelius, I've known that all along." "You have?" "Why else would you have hidden in my cupboard and under my table?" "And made us walk all over New York?" "You're the nicest ladies a man ever went to jail for." "Jail?" "We don't have the money to pay for this dinner." "Of course you don't." "Minnie, show these two sports what I've got in my purse." "What a pleasure to know that selling all those silly hats can pay for an evening as delightful as this one." "I can't help myself." "Wow!" "I..." "No, no, Minnie, my white handbag, not that one." " My white handbag." " When we changed for the evening." "Minnie..." "Only my mad money..." "a nickel for the horsecar." "Would you like your check now, sir?" "(nervous laugh)" "Take this away, my good man." "Bring us another bottle of champagne." " What's this?" "What are you doing?" " It's eight o'clock." "I really must be going." "Going?" "You haven't finished your dinner yet, Miss Simple." "That's expensive." "If I had food like that every night," "I'd be out of business inside a year." "I suggest you have the waiter put it in a bag and take it home to your horses and pigs." "I don't have pigs, Miss Simple, I have chickens, and I did not get them by being extravagant." "I see no point in this trivial discussion, Mr. Vandergelder, nor in my remaining here any longer, inasmuch as it is quite clear to me that you are, if you forgive the expression," " entirely unsuitable." " Unsuitable?" "Nevertheless, I will never say a word to Mrs. Levi about this unfortunate evening." "And I suggest you do likewise when she arrives here." "Wait a minute." "Did you say "arrives here"?" "Yes, she planned to join us at eight." "You may say I left because I felt sick to my stomach." "It's quite true, you know." "Good night." "Any man who goes to a big city deserves what happens to him." " He's all yours, honey." " Good." "Mr. Cassidy?" " Yes, Mrs. Levi?" " It's all right now." "You can let me out." "Whoa." " Mr. Reisenweber, come here!" "Hurry!" " How often have I told you not to shout?" " It's her." "She's outside." " You mean...?" " What's going on?" " Are you sure?" "I know that voice." "I heard her." "In a beautiful carriage with two horses." " That's her." "She's come." " Who?" "Who's come?" "A lady." "You wouldn't know her." "Mrs. Levi." " Is it true?" " Yes, it's Dolly." "Tell the men to get ready." " You saw her?" " In a long carriage pulled by four horses." "It's like old times." "Reisenweber." "Rudolph!" "Rudy!" "She is here." "(orchestra strikes up)" "Hello, Rudy" "Well, hello, Harry" "It's so nice to be back home where I belong" "You are lookin' swell, Manny" "I can tell, Danny" "You're still glowin', you're still crowin'" "You're still" "Mmm." "Goin' strong" "I feel the room swayin'" "For the band's playin'" "One of my old favourite songs from way back when" "So" "Bridge that gap, fellas" "Find me an empty lap, fellas" "Dolly'll never go away again" "Hello, Dolly" "Well, hello, Dolly" "It's so nice to have you back where you belong" "You're lookin' swell, Dolly" "We can tell, Dolly" "You're still glowin', you're still crowin'" "You're still goin' strong" "We feel the room swayin'" "For the band's playin'" "One of your old favourite songs from way back when" "So" "Here's my hat, fellas" "I'm stayin' where I'm at, fellas" "Promise you'll never go away again" "I went away from the lights of 14th Street" "And into my personal haze" "But now that I'm back in the lights of 14th Street" "Tomorrow will be brighter than the good old days" "Those good old days" "Tell it to me sweet" "Hello!" "Well, hello, Dolly" "Well, hello!" "Hey, look!" "Here's Dolly" "Glad to see you, Hank, let's thank my lucky star" "Your lucky star" "You're lookin' great, Stanley" "Lose some weight?" "I think, I think you did, Stanley" "Dolly's overjoyed and overwhelmed and..." "Over par" "I hear the ice" "Do you hear the ice tinkle?" "See the lights" "Can you see the light twinkle?" "And you still get glances from us handsome men" "Look at you all, you're all so handsome" "Golly, gee, fellas" "Find me an empty knee, fellas" "Dolly'll never go away again" "Well, hello" "Look who's here." "Dolly" "This is Louis" "Hello, Louis." "Dolly" "It's so nice to have you back where you belong" "I am so glad to be back." "Ah, you're lookin' swell" "Thank you, Louis." "Dolly" "I can tell" "Does it show?" "Dolly" "You still glowin', you still crowin'" "You still goin' strong" "I feel the room swayin'" "And the band playin'" "One of our old favourite songs from way back when" "I remember it" " So" " It was my favourite" "Show some snap, fellas" "Find her an empty lap, yeah" "Dolly'll never go away again" "Well, well, hello, Dolly" "Well, hello, Dolly" "It's so nice to have you back where you belong" "You're lookin' swell, Dolly" "We can tell, Dolly" "You're still glowin', you're still crowin'" "You're still goin' strong" "I hear the ice" "I hear it tinkle" "See the lights" "I see them twinkle" "And you still get glances from us handsome men" "So" "Mmm, wow, wow, wow, fellas" "Look at the old girl now, fellas" "Dolly'll never go away" "Dolly'll never go away" "Dolly'll never go away again" "One more time!" "Dolly'll never go away" "Dolly'll never go away" "Dolly'll never..." "Horace Vandergelder." " Do we know each other?" " Much too well." "Oh, it's you, Mrs. Levi." "Yes." "Well, do you, uh...?" "Do you think you have the figure for that sort of get-up?" "That's for others to say, Mr. Vandergelder." "I bought it from a friend, not being a rich lady who has nothing better to do than dilly-dally with seamstresses." " Which reminds me." "Where is Miss Simple?" " Miss Simple?" "Well, she had to... uh... uh..." "She got called away by a sick friend." "Had to leave." "Oh." "Well, that's Ernestina." "Always thinking of other people." "We'll just have to make do without her for the time being." "Rudolph?" "My dear Mrs. Levi, I have saved the very best table for you." " How I've missed you." " This way, please." " Come along." " I've eaten." "Don't stand here, you'll get run over by a waiter." "Oh, hello." "Good evening." "Oh, hello." "How are you?" "Hi, nice to see you." " You know too many people." " Total strangers." " So why greet them?" " It feels good to have so many friends." " Well, say hello for me too." " I already did." " Lovely, Rudolph." "Perfect." " What are we doing down here?" "There's someone in the dance competition I want you to see." " I have no interest in dancing." " Rudy, this is Mr. Vandergelder of Yonkers." "In fact, Yonkers' most influential citizen." "And Mr. Vandergelder insists on buying the finest dinner you have and served promptly." " I never said that." " I'm watching my waist." "Can't eat a thing." " What's ready immediately?" " You ordered a chicken..." "I couldn't face a chicken." "Not after all I've been through today." " Good, cancel the chicken." " And bring a turkey." " Yes." " With everything on the side." "Now, tell me about you and Ernestina." "I can't wait to hear." "It was short, but was it sweet?" "I mean, do you think you and she...?" "I mean, did it go well?" "Mrs. Levi, you've a habit of asking very personal questions." "Mr. Vandergelder, if you're thinking of marriage, you might as well learn that you have to let women be women." "Now, tell me, did you like her?" "Did she like you?" "Always putting your nose into other people's affairs." "Anybody who lived with you would get as nervous as a cat." " What did you say?" " Anybody who lived with you..." "Horace Vandergelder, you get that idea right out of your head this minute." "Why, the idea of you even mentioning such a thing." "Understand once and for all that I have no intention of marrying you." " I didn't mean that." " You've been hinting around for some time." " I have not." " So put that right out of your head." " Stop saying that." "That's not what I meant." " I should hope not." "You go your way and I'll go mine." "I am not some Irene Molloy whose head you can turn with chocolate peanuts." "Unshelled." " The idea of you suggesting it." " You misunderstood me." "I certainly hope so." "Let's not discuss it any more." "Here's our food." " I don't feel well." " I'll serve Mr. Vandergelder." "Here is a lovely, a lovely wing, for you." "And some dumplings." "Oh, lighter than air, they are." " That's what I need, some air." " And some giblets." "Very, very tender and very good for you." "No, as I said before, you go your way and I'll go mine." "Here, have some wine, you'll feel better." "Since you brought it up, there's one thing I oughta say..." " I didn't bring it up." " before we forget about it." "It's true, I like to manage things, but not anything as disorderly as your household." "As out of control, as untidy." "Oh, no, Horace, you can do that for yourself." " It is not out of control." " Let's not say another word." " Oh, have some beets." " I'm not hungry and I don't like beets." "No, a complaining, quarrelsome, friendless soul like you is no sort of companion for me." "You salt your beets and I'll salt mine." "I won't say another word." "Besides, I'm not those things you said I am." "You're the only person that knows it." "No, Horace, I have decided to enjoy life." "You can find a housekeeper who'll cook for a dollar a day." "It can be done, if you like cold baked beans." "I can see you now, ending your days listening at keyholes for fear of being cheated." " Have some more beets." "They're delicious." " I hate beets." "There, that's the difference between us." "I'd be nagging you, to get some spirit into you, and the pity of it is you could be a charming, amiable man if you wanted to." " I don't want to be charming." " But you are." "You can't help yourself." "Listening at keyholes!" "You have no right to say such things." "At your age you ought to enjoy the truth." "My age, you're always talking about my age." "I don't know what your age is, but with bad temper you'll double it in six months." "Now siddown." "Before we change the subject, there's one thing I'll say." "I don't wanna hear it." "You're wasting your time." "I have no intention of proposing." "Oh!" "I suppose you want me to ask you?" "Well, I'm sorry." "I'm turning you down." "How can you turn me down when I haven't asked ya anything?" "It's no use arguing." "I've made up your mind." "Here, let me cut your wings." " I don't want my wings cut." " No man does, Horace." "No man does." " I've got a headache." "I'm leaving." " (fanfare)" "Oh, no, the dance competition is about to begin." "Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention please." "It is my pleasure to announce on behalf of the management of the Harmonia Gardens, that our dance contest is about to commence." "The judges for tonight's competition are Mr. Hermann Fleishacker," "Mr. Llewellyn Codd, and our special guest-of-honour judge, Mrs. Dolly Levi." "Siddown!" "Ladies and gentlemen who wish to participate, will you please come to the dance floor." "To the lucky winning couple goes the grand prize of 50 silver dollars or an engagement at the Harmonia Gardens." "50." "Everybody, dance!" " Your check, sir." " Another bottle of champagne." "Mm!" "Look at him." "What grace, what talent, what a living he could earn with his feet!" " Horace, look." " Where?" " Wait a minute." " Oh, isn't he wonderful?" "That's Ambrose Kemper, so-called artist." " Why, so it is." " No wonder his pictures are so awful." " He must paint with his feet." " He's sure to win first prize." "Ermengarde should see him now, dancing with another girl." " And such a pretty little thing too." " It's shameful, that's what it is." "Shameful." "Look, there's that Molloy woman dancing with a man." "I think it's a man." "And only a few hours ago she was waiting for me to propose." " Shocking." " No faithfulness left in this world." "I agree." "I certainly do." "And it's very selfish that people like us don't jump right up and marry someone just to set the world a good example." "My hat!" "Ermengarde!" " Uncle..." " My niece!" "Agh!" "You are a disgrace to Yonkers!" "Grrrr!" " Mr. Vandergelder, the contest!" " I'll show you a contest!" "Call the police!" "Uncle Horace, we can explain." "Exp...?" "I'll give you..." "Cornelius Hackl!" " What are you doing in New York?" " Delivering some oats." "Oats?" "With my former intended?" " You're discharged!" " You can't fire me." "I quit." "So do I." " And you're discharged!" " You can't fire me." "I quit." "((Minnie) So do I." "I'm sorry." "Grrr!" "Oh!" "Horace Vandergelder, flat on your back you are still charming." "Cornelius, Barnaby, perhaps there's a way I can get Mr. Vandergelder to give you back your jobs." "What?" "How?" "I could become his wife." " No, that's impossible." " It is?" " Yes." " But why, Cornelius?" " Because." "That's why." " But you have to give me a reason." "Never mind the reason." "Never mind the reason!" "And don't tell me to shush!" " What's going on there?" " Cornelius, quick!" "Hey, you!" "What's all this noise?" "What's happening here?" " Now, you stay out of this." " Are you all right, Miss?" " I'll let you know." " Young man..." "I'm only trying to tell her something." "Well, it's too late and you're disturbing the peace." "No, it's not too late." "That's why I'm shouting." "For 28 years, my whole life, I never did anything." "I just worked, took orders, never went anywhere." "Stayed in Yonkers." " Yonkers?" " And today the most important thing that can happen to a man, and might never have happened, happened to me because I left Yonkers and came to New York and met this lady." "Met her this afternoon." "Mister... just what are you talking about?" "Officer, I'm talking about none other than love." " (both) Love?" " Love?" "Young man, are you trying to tell me that after 28 years in Yonkers you've fallen in love with this young lady in one day?" "Oh, no, Officer, I didn't fall in love with Miss Irene Molloy of this city in just a day." "It was much quicker than that." "An hour." "No, even that's too long." "What's less than a minute?" " A second?" " Less than that." " A moment." " That's it." "That is it." "Now, all of you, listen to me." "Please." "It only takes a moment" "For your eyes to meet, and then" "Your heart knows" "In a moment" "You will never be alone again" "I held her" "For an instant" "But my arms felt sure and strong" "It only takes a moment" "To be loved" "A whole life long" "Isn't the world full of wonderful things?" "I have lost so many things." "My job, my future, everything that people think is important, but I don't care." "Cos, even if I have to dig ditches for the rest of my life," "I shall be a ditch-digger who once had a wonderful day." "Mister, do you mind?" "I came in late." "Right after..." "It only..." "Takes a moment" "But his arms felt sure and strong" "It only takes a moment" "He held me, for an instant" "But his arms felt safe and strong" "It only takes a moment" "To be loved a whole life long" "And that is all" "That love's about" "And we'll recall" "When time runs out" "That it only" "Took a moment" "To be loved a whole life long" "Tell Rudolph not to worry about the damage." "Just send the bill to Vandergelder's Hay and Feed Store, Yonkers, New York." " There's your life for you." " I don't want to hear about it." "Without niece, without bride, without clerks." "Look, I'm tired." "I've got a backache." " That's all you have." "I hope you're satisfied." " Never mind." "There's only one thing for me to say." "I've been meaning to say it all night." "If it's to ask me to marry you, Dolly Levi, never - not in a million years." "It wasn't that at all, Horace." "All I wanted to say was..." "Goodbye" "What?" "Goodbye" "What are you talking about?" "Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye" "Goodbye, goodbye" " Nonsense." " Don't try to stop me, Horace, please." "Wave your little hand and whisper "So long, dearie"" "You ain't gonna see me any more" "And when you discover that your life is dreary" "Don ' t you come a-knockin' at my door" "Cos I'll be all dolled up and singin' that song" "That says "You dog, I told you so"" "So wave your little hand and whisper "So long, dearie"" "Dearie should have said "So long" so long ago" "Because you treated me so rotten and rough" "I have had enough of feeling low" "So wave your little hand and whisper "So long, dearie"" "Dearie should have said "So long" so long ago" "For I can hear that choo-choo calling me on to a fancy new address" "Yes, I can hear that choo-choo calling me on, on board that Happiness Express" "I'm gonna learn to dance and drink and smoke a cigarette" "I'm going as far away from Yonkers as a girl can get" "So" "And on those cold winter nights, Horace," "you can snuggle up to your cash register." "It's a little lumpy, but it rings." "Don't come a-knockin', I'll be all dolled up and singin' that song" "That says "You dog, I told you so"" "So, Horace, you will find your life a sad old story" "You'll be living in that lonesome territory" "When you see old Dolly shuffle off to glory" "Oh, I should have said "So long"" "How could I have been wrong?" "Oh, I should have said "So long"" "So long ago" "(playful shouting)" "Quiet!" "Quiet, down there, you little monsters." "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "D'ya hear me down there?" "Ermengarde!" "What the devil is this?" "What's this chicken mash doing all over?" "Cornelius!" "Barnaby!" "Get up here this minute and clean up this mess." "Well, good riddance." "Didn't need you before and I don't need you now." "Ermengarde!" "I'm ready for my breakfast!" "I want three eggs with crisp bacon, and hot porridge with cream, and grits..." "It's not fair." "It's worse than that." "It's lonely." "Not in a million years, Dolly Levi." "You go your way and I'll go mine." " Good morning, Uncle Horace." " Good morning, Mr. Vandergelder." "Oh, come crawling back, have you?" "I've a good mind not to take you, but as I'm so softhearted go get your aprons and start cleaning up this mess." "We're not coming back to work for you." "What?" "Barnaby and I are stopping by for our money." "You see, we've decided to go into business." "Business?" "And since the only business we know is hay and feed, we're opening our own store." "Mrs. Levi's found the perfect location for us." " Right across the street from you." " She wouldn't dare." "Hackl and Tucker Incorporated." "H uh!" "You'll last for a week." " What about my breakfast?" " Uncle Horace," "I think you'd better start learning how to make it yourself." "All right, all right." "My conscience is clear." "A man can do only so much to keep fools from their own natural folly." "Why, Horace Vandergelder, as I live and breathe, how well you look today." "I just came by to return your cane, so don't let me interrupt." "You were doing something?" "What were you doing?" "We were getting their money." "$ 146.35." " Plus $6. 12 of mine." " And the money my mama left me." "That's right. $52.48." " 38, idiot." " 48..." "Uncle." "(all discussing what's owed)" "All right, all right." "If all you can think about at a time like this is money, the safe is upstairs." "And I have the combination." " You stay here." " If you insist, Horace." "Ephraim Levi, I'm gonna get married again." "I'm gonna marry Horace Vandergelder." "And I'm asking your permission." "It won't be a marriage in the sense that we had one, but I shall certainly make him happy." "You can be sure of that." "I am going to marry Horace Vandergelder and send his money out into the world, doing all the things you taught me." "As you always used to say, Ephraim:" ""Money, pardon the expression, is like manure."" ""It's not worth a thing unless it's spread around, encouraging young things to grow."" "Anyhow, that's the opinion of the future Mrs. Vandergelder." "And, Ephraim, I'm still waiting for that sign that you approve." "(steps)" " Mr. Vandergelder." " Outside." "Front and back." "Bossy, scheming, meddling, irritating, inquisitive, exasperating." "Horace, I know you're no longer interested, but I have found you the ideal wife." "Dolly Levi, I don't want you to find me any ideal wife." "If I want an ideal wife, I'll find one of my own, and I have found her and it's you, damn it!" "I know I've been a fool and I probably always will be, but Dolly, forgive me and marry me." "No, Horace, I..." " I don't dare." "I don't dare." " What do you mean?" "Well, you know as well as I do that you're the first citizen of Yonkers and your wife would have to be a... a somebody." "You are!" "You are a wonderful woman." "Yes, but, uh, do you really think I have it in me... to forgo fancy clothes and expensive jewels, and instead be a benefactress to half the town?" "In other words, to be a credit to you?" "Dolly, everybody knows that you could do anything you wanted to do." "By the way, Horace, here's the money I borrowed from you yesterday." "Keep it, keep it." "Oh, Horace." "I never thought I'd ever hear you say anything like that." "You know it's bad business to let 'em open a store over there?" " It was your idea." " Let him be your partner." "And Barnaby can have Cornelius's old job." "That way we can all dance at Ermengarde's wedding." "That does it." "You've gone too far." "I'll dance at no wedding." "Besides, I don't know how." " All right, I'll dance." " Excuse me, Mr. Vandergelder." " I said outside!" "Now get moving." " Horace, what is going on around here?" "Oh, nothing, I just thought I'd have the shutters done over in forest green." " Forest-green shutters?" " The paint's still good, but that fellow's just set up a business and needs a good start." "You see, Dolly, I've always felt that money, pardon the expression, is like manure." "It's not worth a thing unless it's spread around, encouraging young things to grow." "Thank you, Ephraim." "Hello, Dolly" "Well, hello, Dolly" "It's so nice to have you here where you belong" "I never knew, Dolly" "Without you, Dolly" "Life was awfully flat and, more than that, was awfully wrong" "Here's my hat, Horace" "I'm stayin' where I'm at, Horace" "Dolly'll never go away" "Wonderful woman." "Again" "Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out" "Strut down the street and have your picture took" "Dressed like a dream your spirits seem to turn about" "That Sunday shine is a certain sign" "That you feel as fine as you look" "Take the someone whose arms you're in" "Hold on to her tight and spin" "And one, two, three." "One, two, three." "One, two, three, look!" "I held her" "For an instant" "But my arms felt sure and strong" "It only takes a moment" "To be loved a whole life long" "Yes, it takes a woman" "A dainty woman" "A sweetheart, a mistress, a wife" "Oh, yes, it takes a woman" "A fragile woman" "To bring you the sweet things in life" "Well, well, hello, Dolly" "Well, hello, Dolly" "It's so nice to have you back where you belong" "You're lookin' swell, Dolly" "We can tell, Dolly" "You're still glowin', you're still crowin'" "You're still goin' strong" "Just see the crowd swayin'" "While the band's playin'" "One of your old favourite songs from way back when" "So" "Wow, wow, wow, fellas" "Look at the old girl now, fellas" "Dolly'll never go away" "Dolly'll never go away" "Dolly'll never go away" "Again"