"This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship "Red Dwarf"," "The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak," "The only survivors were;" "Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold," "Revived three million years later," "Lister's only companions are: a life form who evolved from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer - a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew," "I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6,000- the same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers," "# In a crater, on a ast'roid excavating for a mine," "# Lived an old plutonium miner, and his daughter Clementine #" "Lister." "RD 52169." "Yeth?" "Can I help you?" "You've got a lisp." "Yeth, I know," "The lisp malfunction has been reported to the scutters, Thorry for the inconvenienth," "Can you give me a bacon sandwich with French mustard and black coffee?" "Your vocabulary unit's not working either." "Yes, I know." "Thith altho hath been reported to the scutters." "Thorry for the inconvenienth." "Can you just try a black coffee?" "I'll certainly try." "That's a bucket." "Thorry." "Morning, Lister." "How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik?" "What's the plan for today, then?" "Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening slob?" "God, you're a disgrace to the species." "Good morning, Rimmer." "Clock stop!" "6.47." "Not a bad little time for the mile." "Pity I was only doing the 300 metres." "Still, I had that conversation with Lister." "Knock... 4 minutes off for that." "And I stopped to have a rest so I wouldn't looked too shagged out when I went past him." "Knock that off  and I've broken the world record!" "Well done Rimsey, you're fitter than you thought!" "Holly, give me a clean uniform." "9:47 am, Arnold." "No, a clean uniform, you idiot." "Look, I'm rather busy at the moment." "Now!" "And give me a crewcut Holly." "I'm beginning to look like one of those Hell's Angels." "Arnold, we're going to hit light speed in 24 hours," "I have to navigate a ship the size of a city through speeds never experienced in the human sphere of experience," "I'm not a combination of the Speaking Clock, Moss Bros and Teasy-Weasy," "Holly, a hologram I may be, but I'm still the highest ranking technician aboard this ship." "When I say do something, you do it!" "Understand?" "You stupid, jumped-up filofax." "I'm a what?" "You heard." "Just get on with it." "Very short." "OK, Arnold," "Have you done it, Hol?" "Yes." "A crewcut, and it's very short?" "Yes, Arnold," "As my father always said;" ""Shiny clean boots and a spanking short haircut,"" ""and you can cope with anything."" "He said that just before that rather unfortunate suicide business." "Ah, now that one's me with Jim Bexley Speed." "He played for the London Jets Zero Gravity Football Team." "He was roof attack." "As you can see, he was really, really, really, really, really thrilled to meet me." "Who's that guy?" "That's me grandmother." "She brought me up." "She was a great old lady." "I got expelled from school once, 'cause she nutted the headmaster when I came bottom in French." "Wow." "That's nice." "It's just a Jupiter rise." "Everyone takes that shot." "Who is that?" "That's me Dad." "That's the only picture I've got." "He's your father?" "No wonder you so ugly." "No, no, that's his dog, Hannah." "Dawwg?" "What's a dawwg?" "It's just a pet." "Ugleeeeee!" "You go and get your stuff and let me pack mine." "Okay, will you do that for me?" "This, uhh... dog." "He better not be around here anyplace." "Because if he is, I may have to chase him." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah!" "Do you know how big they are?" "They're about 18 foot long... and they've got teeth as... as big as your leg!" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Well, I may have to chase him anyway!" "Aaaaaw!" "Oh, Lennon!" "Look what's happened to McCartney." "So, mechanical engineering!" "Hey!" "Perfection!" "And they said you was a waste of money." "What's he looking at?" "Who?" "That idiotic cat." "Rimmer, what have you done to your hair?" "Holly did it." "Why?" "'Cuz I ordered him to." "It looks ridiculous." "It may look ridiculous to you Lister, but I like it like this." "It makes me feel like a man." "Yeah." "And you'll probably get one, looking like that." "There's nothing wrong with short hair Lister." "It gives a man a sense of dignity, a sense of discipline." "Rimmer, have you seen it?" "I don't need to see it." "I didn't get this haircut to look good." "This is a haircut designed for action, not poncing around in." "Maybe a bit severe." "A bit too Green Beret." "But you are how you look, and I look... like a complete and total tit!" "Holly!" "Holly!" "This is a recording, I'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment," "If you'd like to leave a message after the bleep, he'll get back to you," "Bleep." "Holly, this is Rimmer." "Remember me?" "Rimmer." "Arnold Rimmer." "The poor goit you made look like Helen Shapiro." "I'll see you toast on the fires of Hell for this." "Did someone say they wanted toast?" "Shut up." "What are you doing?" "I'm going into stasis." "I thought Holly told ya?" "Stasis?" "What for?" "Well, Holly said to go into it while we went through light speed." "And then I thought "What the hell, why not stay in till we get back to Earth?"" "Earth?" "That's three million years away!" "You can't leave me alone for three million years, I'll go peculiar." "Holly, look, I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to be rude." "Can I please have my own hair back?" "Pretty please, with sugar on?" "I'll think about it, Arnold." "Holly's supposed to have told you." "I thought you didn't mind." "Mind?" "Mind?" "Why should I mind?" "300,000 millennia alone, while you're in suspended animation?" "I'll be fine!" "I'll do that crossword book - that should kill a couple of centuries." "Holly'll switch you off until we come back out." "Even better." "Switch me on, switch me off, like I'm some battery-powered sex aid." "Aww, come on Rimmer." "Don't give me this!" "Don't give you what?" "I'm dead Lister, or haven't you noticed?" "I know you're dead Rimmer, don't whinge on about it." "Sorry to be a bore." "I mean, you're everything you were when you were alive." "Same personality, same everything." "Apart from the minuscule detail that I'm a stiffy." "But Rimmer, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days." "It doesn't screw your career up like it used to." "That's what they say Lister, but if you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which would you pick?" "It depends which was best qualified." "Bullpats." "When was the last time you saw a dead newsreader?" "Channel 27 had a hologram reading the news." "Oh... groovy, funky Channel 27." "Big smegging deal." "You livies hate us deadies." "Rimmer, if I'm going to go back to Earth, I'm gonna have to go into stasis." "It's gonna take 4,000 years just to turn around." "You can't do a three-point turn when you're this close to light speed you know." "Oh, really?" "Where did you read that, the Ladybird Book of Astronavigation?" "It happens to be true." "I know it's true modo." "I have taken the astronavigation exam nine times." "Ten, if you count the time I had my spasm." "Rimmer, you'll only be turned off till we get back to Earth." "Where you won't need me, so I won't get switched back on." "They might be able to cure you." "They probably made great advances in that while we've been away." "Oh yes, I expect they cured death the instant we left Earth." "I expect doctors' surgeries are packed with the dead." ""Hello Mrs. Johnstone, take one of these three times a day," ""you'll soon be living again," ""Carole, next corpse, please. "" "Well, they might." "Yes Lister, they might, if the Earth hasn't blown up." "Or the ants haven't taken over." "Well, you'll be in your element if insects are in control." "You'll probably get a decent job at last." "Yeah, yeah." "You'd probably run for government." "Yeah, yeah." "You'll probably even make it as a male model." "Git." "# To Ganymede and Titan" "# Yes, sir, I've been around." "# But there ain't no place in the whole of s... # space." "# Like that good ol' toddlin' town..." "# Oh, oohh..." "# Lunar Sss... #" "# Lunar City Seven... #" "You can't sing, you know." "And you can, can you?" "Oh, just 'cuz I'm a toaster I'm tone deaf?" "Well go on, then!" "Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom..." "Hey!" "# Fly me to the moon and let me... #" "# Lunar City 7... #" "What was that?" "!" "Umm, uhh, 11:14 ship time, Dave." "No, Holly, what was that flash?" "We've broken the light barrier 22 hours early." "Is everyone all right?" "I can't do it, I can't cope, we're going at the speed of light, me bottle's gone," "Holly, is everyone all right?" "No, I'm not," "I thought I could navigate at light speed, but I just can't wrap me head around it." "Gordon Bennet, that was a close one!" "Holly, what's the problem?" "You're supposed to have an IQ of 6,000 aren't ya!" "Look, we're traveling faster than the speed of light, that means by the time we see something, we've already passed through it." "Even with an IQ of 6,000, it's still brown trousers time." "Can I help?" "No, it's all right," "I'm getting the hang of it now," "Left a bit... straighten her up" "I better go." "# To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around... #" "Rimmer!" "Rimmer!" "# To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been a... #" "Rimmer!" "What?" "What is it?" "Did you see anything really weird in that mirror?" "Yes." "You, you ugly goit." "No." "It was..." "It was really odd." "What was?" "Oh, nothing." "Forget it." "Doesn't matter." "What doesn't matter?" "Nothing, forget it." "It doesn't matter." "Lister, have you been at that marijuana gin again?" "I said forget it." "It doesn't matter." "Fine." "Well, if you have more problems with 'nothing' and things that don't matter, just scream out my name hysterically, and I'll come pelting down the corridor!" "All right?" "# This little kitty went to space..." "# This little kitty stayed at home" "# Ooohh, aaaahh, tcheee..." "# My clothes are... #" "What are you doing?" "I'm doing what you said, dude." "Well, I said take a few essentials basics you couldn't bear to leave behind." "Right." "These are all I'm taking." "Just these and the other ten racks." "Travel light, and move fast." "You can't take all of this." "There's no room." "OK." "I'll leave..." "This!" "I'll just have to do without it." "You can take two suits, that's it." "Two suits!" "?" "Then I'm staying." "You can't stay, by the time I come out you'll be dead." "Two suits IS dead." "Hey, if I cut off my leg and leave it behind, can I take three?" "I'm going into stasis in 10 minutes, I'll meet you in the sleeping quarters." "Yo Rimmer, look I've been thinking." "What?" "You know, about going into stasis and everything." "How did I do what?" "What do you mean, "How did I do what?"" "Lister, don't be a gimboid." "I'm not being a gimboid!" "I've just been in the library, thinking, and I've decided..." "Shut up!" "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," "I've decided when you go into stasis I want to say behind." "I want to be left on." "What, on your own, for the rest of your life?" "What things?" "Eh?" "I said, what?" "What's going on?" "You are space crazy." "I'M space crazy?" "!" "You're the one who's... space crazy?" "!" "Well it probably is déja-vu." "It sounds like it." "Aaaagh!" "Rimmer," "I've just seen you walk out of that door." "What?" "How did you do that?" "How did I do what?" "You just a second walked out of that door." "Lister, don't be a gimboid." "I swear on me Grandmother's life, as you walked out that door you came in this one!" "I've just been in the library thinking," " and I've decided..." " Rimmer, I'm telling you..." "Shut up!" "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," "I've decided when you go into stasis I want to stay behind." "I want to be left on." "Rimmer, you've just came in and said exactly these things." "What things?" "You said that." "I said what?" "And that." "You said that." "You are space crazy." "And then you said..." ""Well, it probably is déja-vu. "" "Well, it probably is déja-vu." "It sounds like it." "Oh go on, then: shake your head and walk out." "Rimmer, listen." "Will you just listen?" "My tooth!" "My tooth!" "I think I lost my tooth!" "Cat, wait." "Rimmer, listen." "I'm gonna eat you little fishies." "I'm gonna eat you..." "I was just making sure your fish were OK." "I wasn't going to eat them." "He just walked past us." "It must be something to do with light speed." "Holly, what's going on?" "It's light speed, I bet ya." "Is your name Holly?" ""Is your name Holly"" "Holly!" "What is going on?" "Look, I'm a 10th generation Al hologramic computer," "I'm not your mum." "Yes, fantastic." "What do you want this time, a hand with your homework?" "Would you like me to sew little name-tags in your PE kit?" "Holly, watch my lips." "What is hap - pen - ing?" "With the mirror, and the cat, and everything..." "Oh, that." "You're seeing future echoes." "Didn't I explain this to you?" "What are future echoes?" "How simple do you want this?" "Uhh, so Lister can understand it." "Oh, dear," "It's difficult, I know." "Well, we're traveling faster than L.S. right?" "What's L.S.?" "Light Speed" "Smartass" "Consequently you're catching up with things you're about to do before you've actually done them," "Ahh, so we're seeing bits of the future?" "Yes." "See I told you it was light speed." "You should've asked me." "Can they see us?" "Of course not." "Use your loaf." "So, wait." "Are you saying that the Cat is gonna break his tooth some time in the future?" "Yes." "I didn't think you wanted it THIS simple," "Ain't nobody gonna break my tooth." "How long is this gonna last?" "Until the reverse thrust takes effect and we drop below light speed." "What's that photograph?" "It's me and Frankenstein, isn't it?" "No." "The one with the babies." "Babies?" "I've never seen it before." "Ahh, Holly, is this what you call a future echo?" "Yes, of course it is." "Bozo." "Two babies." "How do I get two babies?" "# Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around" "# But there ain't no place in the whole of space #" "What's this, guys?" ""Don't go into stasis." "Please don't leave us with Rimmer. "" "I'm sorry, guys, I've got to." "We need you." "I mean, there's nothing for me here." "I want to go back to Earth." "Ah don't do that!" "I mean, I don't care what it's like." "It gotta be better than this." "I don't care if the dolphins have taken over, and all the people in a human being-atarium, you know?" "I just want to find out." "What was that?" "!" "What was that?" "Brace yourself for a bit of a shock Lister, but I just saw you die!" "What?" "I did warn you to brace yourself." "You didn't give me much of a chance." "I gave you ample bracing time." "No you didn't... you didn't even pause." "Well I'm sorry." "I've just had a rather nasty experience." "I have just seen someone I know, die in the most... hideous, hideous way!" "Yeah, me!" "You were fiddling around with a navi..." "I don't wanna know." "Don't wanna know." "You don't wanna know how you die?" "No!" "Was it quick?" "Well..." "I wouldn't say it was super-fast." "Not if you count the thrashing around, and the uh, agonized squealing." "You're really loving this, aren't ya?" "What a horrible thing to say!" "It was definitely me?" "Oh, yes." "I don't wanna know." "How old did I look?" "How old are you now?" "25." "How old did I look?" "Mid-twenties." "Smeg!" "I'm not ready." "I'm not smegging ready!" "You did seem surprised." "Ahh, did you actually see me face?" "You were wearing a hat, but it was definitely you." "Well there you go, I won't wear a hat, and it can't happen." "Can it?" "I can live without a hat." "Lister, it has happened." "You can't change it any more than you can change what you had for breakfast, yesterday" "Hey, it hasn't happened, has it?" "It has will have going to have happen, happened but it hasn't actually... happened, happened yet, actually." "Poppycock." "It will be happened, it shall be going to be happening, it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future." "Simple as that." "You bucket's been kicked, baby." "Says you." "Says me and Albert Einstein, thank you very much." "Albo and I happen to agree on this one - it's called the Theory of Relativity." "All right." "OK." "OK." "Right." "The Cat broke his tooth in a future echo, right?" "Now, if I can stop him breaking it..." "Can't be done." "Then I can stop me from dying." "Can't be done." "Now, how would the cat break his tooth?" "it'd be eating something... eating something hard!" "My robot goldfish!" "Eating my robot goldfish!" "Holly, where's the Cat?" "He's just going into your sleeping quarters Dave," "Oh, Smegging Hell!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "I'm back." "Feeling good." "How am I looking?" "Go-oo-od." "You know, I wish I was someone else... then I could kiss me." "I think I'll investigate... these!" "I just ate." "But, one little fishy..." "# Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna eat you, little fishies.." "# I'm gonna eat you, little fishy #" "Yeah, I got you babe!" "I'm gonna..." "I got the fish, I'm not gonna die!" "I'm not gonna..." "Crazy monkey!" "You creased my suit." "My tooth!" "My tooth!" "My tooth!" "I think I've lost my tooth." "Lister, allow me to be the first to offer my commiserations." "You're really, really loving this, aren't ya?" "Come on!" ""Death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days"!" ""It doesn't screw your career up in the way it used to"!" "You're right." "There's always some good in every situation." "Absolutely Lister." "And in this case you are about to do the largest splits you'll ever do in your life." "I get blown up, then?" "Bits of you do." "It's not fair." "There's loads of things I've never done." "Like..." "I've never had a prawn vindaloo." "And I've never read... a book." "And I wanted to have a family." "And I wanted to have loads of practice in the things that you've got to do to get a family." "Holly, I'd like to send an internal memo." "Black border." "Begins:" ""To Dave Lister," ""condolences on your passing away. "" "What's that poem?" ""Now, weary traveler," ""rest your head, for just like me, you're utterly dead. "" "Emergency." "Emergency." "There's an emergency going on." "What is it, Hol?" "There's an emergency, Dave." "The navicomp's overheating, I need your help in the Drive Room." "Come in number 1-6-9, your time is up." "OK." "What was I wearing?" "That jacket and that red t-shirt." "You said yourself" "I can't stop it." "Let's get it over with." "Lister, what's that for?" "I'm going out like I came in: screaming and kicking." "You can't whack Death on the head." "If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off." "I am afraid it can't cope with the influx of data at light speed, Dave." "Could you hook it up to the drive computer for me?" "Six..." "Five..." "Four..." "Three..." "Two..." "One..." "I did it!" "I'm not going to die." "Dog attack." "I don't know why you're so chirpy." "I'm alive." "But for how long?" "It'll probably happen tomorrow, or Thursday." " Maybe it's not going to happen at all." " It was you, I saw you." "I'm sure it was you." "Hello, Dave." "This is me." "I mean you." "I mean," "I am you." "This is you aged 171, Dave." "I know you're there, because when I was your age," "I saw me at my age telling you what I'm about to tell you, and you've got to tell you, when you get to be me." "Thank heavens you've still got all your marbles Lister." "I've got to tell you about Bexley." "Who's Bexley?" "I was always going to call my second son "Bexley", after Jim Bexley Speed." "Your second son?" "What were you going to call your first son?" "Jim!" "After Jim Bexley Speed." "It wasn't you Rimmer saw in the Drive Room, it was Bexley." "Rimmer, you saw me son die!" "Never mind this tott!" "What about me, old man?" "What happens to me?" "Do I become an officer?" "Rimmer, I'm gonna have two sons!" "Isn't it fantastic?" "But one of them dies." "Yeah, but everyone dies." "You're born, you die." "The middle bit is called "life", and that's still to come!" "Go and get your camera." "You haven't got much time." "Get your camera and run to the medical unit." "Run!" "What about me?" "What happens to me?" "He can't hear us Rimmer, he's from the future." "Ah, but if I ask you now, you can remember it, and when you get to be him, you can tell me." "Boss thinking!" "Rimmer, you wanted to know what happened to you." "Yes!" "Well, come closer." "Come closer still." "Closer." "Yes!" "Heh, heh, heh." "You goit!" "No, you goit." "You're all goits." "I'm surrounded by goits." "Holly, you're a goit." "I'm a what?" "You heard!" "What's happening, Hol?" "Are we going to see my funeral or something?" "Look, the faster we go, the more into the future the future echoes are," "And now, since we've just started to slow down, the future echoes are nearer to the present." "Clear?" "No." "Tough." "Wait a minute." "I don't understand how you're supposed to get two sons, without a woman on the ship." "Neither do I." "But it's gonna be a laugh finding out." "I can't see you, but I know you can see me." "I'd like you to meet your two sons." "This is Jim and this is Bexley." "Oh, stop crying and say "cheese", boys!" "# It's cold outside." "There's no kind of atmosphere." "# I'm all alone, more or less" "# Let me fly, far away from here" "# Fun, fun, fun" "# In the sun, sun, sun" "# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose" "# Drinking fresh mango juice" "# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes" "# Fun, fun, fun" "# In the sun, sun, sun" "# Fun, fun, fun" "# In the sun, sun, sun #"