"Season 5 Episode 5" "The great rad-spot is mega-sweet for party boarding!" "Indeed!" "Any calls while I was out?" "You got a telesonic transmission from Kif a couple of hours ago." "My Kiffie called?" "Oh, Amy, you're back!" "Another hour and I would have thought about hanging up.." "Why didn't you just leave a message, sweetie?" "Well, I've left hundreds of messages with your answering machine,but you... never seem to get them." "It's not my fault if you don't check me." "Messages erased." "Oh dearest." "This long-distance relationship is too much to bear!" "When even an inch separates us I quiver with misery!" "So you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light-years!" "Don't cry, or you'll get a tummy-ache." "Lieutenant, some things came off me and clogged the drain, so if you could..." "Oh-ho, what's this!" "Well, well, well." "Do my eyes believe me, or is that my bosomy swan Leela?" "Say again?" "You're breaking up." "Good news, everyone!" "You'll be delivering pain medicine... to the hive mind of Nigel 7." "Scruffy's rolling out a large pill." "You're going to Nigel 7?" "Kif's on patrol near there." "You could drop me off on the way!" "We could, but we won't!" "It's a space ship, dammit, not a prom limousine!" "If anyone needs if, I'll be in the Angry Dome." "This is a very long trip, so we'll all have to hibernative naptosis to save oxygen." "I can't even breath without oxygen." "Here I come, Kif!" "They jumped right out of theirs pants!" "Oh, what now." "Activate glass window." "Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual disturbance in the force." "Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy." "Yes, sir, captain!" "How about I help you finish that dream you were having about me?" "I was just at this part..." "Oh!" "Let's try that a little lower, and a lot softer." "Imagine you stewing away and stealing a licensed starship!" "Ooh, it's so romantic it gives me the shivers!" "I don't care how much trouble I get in." "I needed to feel my lips pressed against your lip-less beak." "I can't stand having a whole universe between us." "I've been thinking a lot about this, and, well, would you move in with me?" "Here?" "But wouldn't it be crowded?" "it's really twice the size!" "You can use the floor, and I'll have the ceiling, see?" "You have so much creativity and niceness but I'm not sure if I..." "Hush!" "Before you answer, come thither." "This is the Holo-Shed." "It can simulate anything you desire, and nothing can hurt you... except when it malfunctions and the holograms become real." "Well, that probably won't happen this time." "I wanted to show you what life could be like if we were together." "Computer, run program "Kif 1"." "This is so beautiful!" "Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said" "I had too many ponies already." "Yes, I programmed it in for you." "Four million lines of BASIC." "And if this isn't the life you want, how about this?" "Run program "Kif 2"." "We could live here at the shore of the tranquilibrious sea in a time-share." "And I would pluck the moon from the sky... just to see you smile." "Almost got it..." "Seems to be sort of stuck..." "I love you!" "Run program "Kif://3"!" "This isn't bad." "My aunt had a place like this." "Amy, we could live in a bus-station bathroom for all I care." "As long as we're together, it'll feel like a castle to me." "I'd love to live with you... some day." "But before then, there's still lots I wanna do on my own." "What was that?" "Oh dear." "I fear the Holo-Shed might be broken again." "Well, as long as we don't cross paths with the tele..." "Look!" "Spirit!" "And there's Professor Moriati!" "Jack the Ripper!" "Evil Lincoln!" "Right'o, gents, it's another simulation gone mad, so it's murder and mayhem, standard procedure." "Real Holographic Simulated Evil Lincoln is BACK!" "The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again, the characters turned real!" "Damn, the last time that happened, I got slapped with three paternity suits!" "Listen up, History's greatest villains, get back into the Holo-Shed before I start blasting." "Stop!" "No shoot fire-stick in space canoe!" "Cause explosive decompression!" "Spare me your space-age techno-babble, Attila the Hun!" "Kif!" "Hold on!" "I totally want to!" "Have a good time!" "After all that, I could use some relaxation." "I'll be in the Holo-Shed." "Well, except for a few broken bones, some internal hemorrhaging, and a partially barfed-up heart, everyone up here is fine." "Oh, and Kif is pregnant." "Oh joy!" "Amy, isn't it wonderful, I'm pregnant!" "Yes, it's great... a great miracle." "And not one of those bogus everyday miracles like a sunrise." "Aren't you a male?" "Yeah, what's the deal?" "Just when I thought I'd figured out you biological creatures, it's something else!" "Let me at him!" "Look, I'm sure we're all a little unclear on how anyone gets pregnant, so Kif, explain, and don't spare the dirty words were appropriate." "Well, it's quite simple really." "When one of my species experiences deep feelings of love, we enter a so-called "receptive state"." "You disgust me." "Go on." "At that point, our skin becomes a semi-permeable membrane which allows the passage of genetic material." "I held Amy's hand, and voila." "But that better be all there is." "Amy, you'll be a mother!" "What a wondrous affirmation of our love, and all from the touch of your hand." "ude, hold up, remember when Zap blew a hole in the ship?" "Indeed." "Kif touched everyone there." "Couldn't any one of us be the mother?" "I mean, what about that, Kif?" "Well, I suppose I might have got pregnant that way, or even from a toilet seat, though that's impossible since I have a private washroom." "Ah, my home away from home." "By the way, Kif, your flush seems to be set on "stun", not "kill"." "Look, Kif, I probably am the mother, although maybe I'm not." "Of course I hope I am, but just in case I'm not, maybe we should have a test." "A test!" "I demand a test!" "Even I laughed at me when I built this alien cross-species genetic analyzer, but I guess I showed myself." "Subjects, please enter the chamber." "Now to take a DNA sample." "When I pull this switch, the maternafuge will spin at ten thousand RPM, separating out anyone who isn't the mother, eh, father... whatever." "Faster!" "Faster!" "Good." "Fry's ejection indicated that he is not the man-momma." "Nor is captain Branigan." "Oh thank you, merciful God." "What the hell were you doing in there?" "That's were I live." "I have no home!" "But that means..." "Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand." "That explains the posturing hygiene class." "No glove, no love!" "Wow, this is all so confusing." "Leela!" "How could you?" "Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this?" "Stop testing our love!" "Oh please, captain." "I thank Leela for the DNA she gave me, but in my specie, the true parent is the one who inspired the initial feeling of love." "We call that person the smismar, and my smismar is Amy." "So the toilet seat is like the uncle or something? Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant." "That's OK." "At least Kif's baby shower should be fun." "I'd better put it on my calender." "Thursday, baby shower, enter." "Might as well plan for my new life while I'm at it." "Set motherhood mode!" "Mom, dad, I know this is weird, but..." "Yeah yeah, we don't care how squishy alien get pregnant, all we care is that we have grand-child now." "You are very open minded, Mrs. Wong." "Hey, you call her "grandma" now!" "Call me "grandma" like crazy, all the time!" "Check it out, y'all!" "Everyone we invited is here..." "Also Zoidberg!" "...so let's open the gifts." "We'll start with this one from..." "Bender." "It's my booties from when I was a kid." "They're already bronzed." "Elles sont en bronze." "And this one's from Leela." "Oh, I just love the bow," "I wonder what it is." "Yes, I wonder what "we" got you." "It's a basket!" "For picnics?" "It means a lot to me." "It's the basket my parents left me in at the orphanarium." "You could use it for picnics." "Here, Amy, we get this one for you." "Is it a new board?" "It's a board alright." "An ironing board." "We had your old party board converted now that you not be partying anymore." "You trashed my party board?" "Damn right!" "Now you're mom, the only surfing you'll be doing is under a big wave of responsibility." "Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life!" "You all brought such wonderful gifts!" "But the greatest gift..." "Mine!" "...is the bond I share with my smismar Amy." "For soon, the quivering mass of life within me will depend upon us both." "Even now, I can sense it feeding, squirming, searching, questing... and shortly, it will renne my loins in twain, burst forth, and pull us down, down, down into the deep, dark waters of commitment." "That's so beautiful." "Yes, it's... it's..." "No, I can't do this!" "Oh, how could Amy leave me?" "When will women learn to take responsibility for the children they've helped create?" "They're quickening!" "My time is near." "I must return to my home world to perform the ancient birthing rites." "Lemme know how that turns out." "I must know embark on a perilous journey, to give birth in precisely the same swamp in which I was born." "If it's so dangerous, I'd better go with you." "A gal has to protect her DNA." "No, Leela." "Tradition demands that I make this journey with my smismar." "And since Amy isn't here, I must go it alone." "Farewell, for we may never meet again!" "My scrapes feel a little better now." "Hey, what's this fat ugly thing?" "A frog, a toad, or your mama!" "It's a poisonous Froad." "No-one move." "I'm back, baby." "Behold, the sacred ancestral birthing grounds of my family." "Smells like a jacks trap." "I am grand mid-wife!" "Hi." "I am Kif of the clan Kroaker, come to bear my young." "Then let the tea of new life be brewed." "As it is written:" ""And both shall lift the jug together."" "Where is your smismar?" "Elle n'est pas avec moi." "Oh, the sorrow!" "Oh, the shame!" "I'm sorry, I'm probably just making you feel worse." "As long as Amy is with me in my heart, I will have the strength of two." "Apparently, Amy hasn't been working out much lately." "As the tea boils, please join hands with your beloved smismar." "Oh, right, sorry, but I memorized the ceremony by (routed dimension for a lot)?" "I'll try to endure." "Good, cause I'm not changing it." "Now turn, ye two, and gaze deeply into each other's eyes." "What are you looking at?" "May the love I sense between you at this moment, remain with you both through all your days." "The tea of new life is ready." "Let those whose love created this light speak each other's names, then drink." "Amy!" "Is it you, or has I gone crazy with loneliness?" "Both!" "I still don't know if I'm ready for this, but I do know I love you, and I wanna be hear beside you." "Great, now I lost my place, I'm starting over!" "No time!" "It has begun!" "Neat!" "You can do it, Kif!" "Amy, my love, tell me..." "Are they making it to the water?" "Stay away from my babies!" "The birthing is complete." "I will now take my leave." "I live here, so I won't actually be going anywhere, but you don't have to talk to me anymore." "Congratulations!" "Way to go, squishy!" "There goes my DNA." "What a disgusting and beautiful process." "That's birth for ya." "Well, we've given them a great start, Amy, and in twenty years they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children." "I'll be ready then. script original : futscr@start.no"