"[Creepy music plays]" "STAN: "In our darkest hour, we commit these souls unsettled to graves unblessed."" "Why's everything a goddamn poem?" "Stan!" "Help me!" "She's gonna burn me alive!" "28 years." "I was the sheriff for 28 years." "Never got tied to a stake." "You're here exactly one week." "[Growls]" "Geez, lady!" "Anybody ever tell you you look like a barrel of assholes?" "♪" "Ouch." "♪" "♪" "PRIEST:" "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, in sure and certain hope of eternal life." "And of the dear souls that Claire hath left behind, none more dear than her daughter, Denise, her beloved husband, our sheriff, Stanley Miller... or, as we lovingly call him, Stan." "Stanley." "Sheriff Miller." ""Hope will not leave us disappointed." "Because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." "At the appointed time, when we were still powerless," "Christ died for us godless men." "It is rare that anyone should lay down his life for a just man, though it is barely possible that, for a good man," " someone may have the courage to die." - [Laughing]" "You want to start some shit with me?" " Stanley, please!" " Eh, clamp." " [Heart beating]" " Someone put you up to this?" "[Laughing]" " What do you think?" "It's funny?" " DENISE:" "Dad, stop it!" "Why can't we just have a nice funeral?" "!" "[Shrieks]" "Come here." "[Grunting]" "Dad!" "No, Stan!" "[All gasping]" "[Laughing]" "MAN:" "Sheriff Miller!" "WOMAN:" "Sheriff Miller!" "Somebody do something!" " [Siren walls]" " Sheriff Miller!" "[Laughing continues]" "♪" "[Electricity buzzing]" "Oh, boy." "[Stan groans]" "[Door creaks]" "Oh." "Who the hell are you?" "I could ask you the same question." "Of course you could." "That's what women do." "You ask them a question, and then they answer your question with a question." "But do they ever answer your question?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Because that would be a sign of weakness." "Am I right?" "Are you Sheriff Miller?" "Ah." "You just did it again, didn't you?" "I'm Evelyn Barret." " Ah." " I'm the... n-new..." "Hmm." "They... they said you stepped down." "I-I just assumed your deputy would be the guy..." "Leon?" "Yeah." "He's about as useful as tits on a flashlight." "His family owns the building, so if I can him," "I got to move the whole department over to the fire station, and what a nest of shitheads that place is." "Honest to Christ, since when does pointing a hose at something make you a hero?" "Give me a break." "Sheriff Miller, have you... have you been home since..." "Not so much." "No." "♪" "[Door creaks]" "Hello?" "♪" "[Sighs]" "[Door creaks, closes]" "♪" "WOMAN: ♪ Ring-a-round the rosie ♪" "♪ Pocket full of posies ♪" "♪ Ashes, ashes ♪" "♪ We all fall down ♪" "♪ Ring-a-round the rosie ♪" "♪ Pocket full of posies ♪" "♪ Ashes, ashes ♪" "♪ We all fall down ♪" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "Oh, hey." "You... you want to get shot?" "No!" "I don't ever want to get shot." "Where have you been?" "You haven't been home in like three days." "I'm starving." "I had some Goldfish at the wake, and that's it." "I was gonna come home, but, you know..." "Well, the bank needs Ma's life-insurance information." "Yeah, yeah." "All that crap's in your mother's sewing room, and... we're not allowed in there." "She locked it, for God's sake." "She called it her sacred space." "[Laughs]" "Can you imagine what she'd do if she found me in there?" "She'd... she'd..." "Oh, God damn it." "[Sighs]" "I'm so hungry." "♪" "[Chuckles]" "[Electricity buzzes]" "You ain't entering the pie contest, are you?" "Big mistake." "Deputy Drinkwater." "Just call me Leon." "Deputy." "Evie Barret." "See, if you enter the pie contest, you might win." "And you don't want that." "You don't want people thinking you're some flashy outsider." "Boston cop moves out to the sticks with her big-city pies." "Explain to me again how you got this job." "[Chuckles]" "Deputy is the job you want around here, not sheriff." "[Chuckles] Here's the deal." "Starting today, you're as good as dead." "So, it's just you and your daughter?" "No man around the house?" "O-okay, so..." "[Clears throat]" "I'm as good as dead and I shouldn't enter the pie contest?" "Mm." "There she is." "There's the woman whose husband left her." "What?" "What?" "No." "He didn't lea..." "You see, way back in the 1600s," "Willard's Mill had a constable named Thaddeus Eccles." "You know the witch trials down in Salem, right?" "You know how many witches they burned down there?" "20." "You know how many witches" "Thaddeus Eccles burned in Willard's Mill?" "♪ 172." "One person burned 172 people for witchcraft?" "One sheriff." "And ever since, every sheriff we've ever had has died an early, violent, horrible death." "Eh." "Except Stan, right?" "Except Stan." "I think someone or something was looking out for him." "Hey." "You know what?" "You should enter that pie contest." "Enter it and win." "You got to live life while you can." "[Door creaks]" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." "♪" "[Laughing]" "Didn't I say that when Mommy's not home, Karen's in charge?" "But I don't want a new nanny." "I like Tallon." "I-I like Tallon, too." "Sheriff." "You've got a visitor." "Uh, you know, Mommy's gonna have to call you back, sweetheart." "♪" "Claire Miller, what the hell were you up to?" "WOMAN:" "And one and two and..." "Did, uh... did you ever see your mother with this book?" " Yeah, all the time." " down and..." "Really?" "How come I didn't?" "'Cause you were never home, and when you were, you just sat in your chair and you didn't pay no attention." "Of course I don't pay no attention, you two sitting around all day, chirping away like two birds fighting over an onion ring." "Give me a break." "What..." "What is this thing?" "It's Mom's necklace book." "You know Mom's necklace with the glass thingy?" "She used to put it on the page, and she'd read the words through the glass." "She did it all the time before she went out." " Before she went out?" " Yeah." "She'd go out after you went to bed." " Doing what?" " I don't know." "Where is this necklace now?" "Well, she liked it so much," "I put it on her, you know, down in the... pbht." " The grave?" " Yeah." "That's just terrific work." " One and two." " Broke the mold." " Good job." "Okay." " Judy, I like your buns." "I'm gonna get those buns." "Hello." "I'm Evie Barret." "How can I help you?" "I just thought I'd stop by and meet the new constable." "The last one wasn't very nice to me, you know." "Are you the woman from the funeral?" "Is that your daughter?" "♪" "She's lovely." "Uh, thank you." "Sorry, I didn't catch your name." "[Electricity crackling]" "♪" "Aah!" "There's no meddling old biddy to protect you or him anymore!" "Bring me her seeing stone!" "Bring me her seeing stone!" "[Electricity crackles]" "♪" "Mm." "[Static]" "[Groans]" "Now what?" "All I want to do is nothing, and I can't even do that." "For the love of God." "DENISE:" "I think it's the TV." "For the love of God." "There you go." " Surprise!" " Aah!" "[Screams]" " [Thud] - [Static]" "[Stan groans]" "Sheriff Miller?" "You know that, uh, woman from the funeral that you beat up?" "I think she attacked me in my office today." "Oh, I-I-I see." "Now it's..." "Now it's your office?" "[Whistles]" "I have to tell you..." "that... that... that... that was... that was pretty quick." "What I'm saying is..." "I think that we..." "I think we're cursed." "Well, don't crap an apple." "I will take care of it." "When?" "[High-pitched voice] Uh... in a minute." "I mean, now is a good time." "Oh, dear God." "One day in charge, and look at you." "Mrs. Do This, Do That." "Has it even occurred to you to ask me why" "I'm laying facedown in my yard, holding two bags of skin?" "No!" "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Of course..." "Of course it hasn't, because... it's all about you, isn't it?" "Well, I have a..." "I have a gangbuster suggestion for you." "Here..." "Here's a souvenir for a happy fan." "What?" "What is..." "Why don't you just go home, make a salad, have some wine, get your period, call your mother, just go nuts, do whatever it is that you people seem to do, and let me take care of it." "KAREN:" "No, you can't come over." "I'm babysitting the new sheriff's daughter." "[Knock on door]" "Hold on." "You must be Karen." "I'm Grace's grandmother." "May I come in?" "♪" "What are you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" "I'm digging up my wife." "May I ask why?" "Oh, no reason." "All right, look, Stan, if... if this is real, then we're gonna have to work together." "No, we're not." "Sheriff Miller, if you don't tell me why you weren't killed in office..." "I might kill you now that you're out." "[Door creaks]" "Oh, my God." "♪" "[Gasps]" "So, your wife was keeping you alive." "Well, it's like I said..." "I-I haven't been in here since that gay cop show was on." " What gay cop show?" " "Starsky  Hutch."" "Starsky and Hutch weren't gay." "[Laughs]" "Guy's sweater had a belt." "Give me a break." "You're a cop." "Read the signs, would you?" "Stan, look at this." "No!" "Not until you say Starsky and Hutch were gay." "Just come here, would you?" "I think this is the..." "like, the town ledger that's documenting Constable Eccles and... and all the witch burnings." " Isn't this the woman from the funeral?" " Yeah." "Her name was, uh... yeah, Stella Stanas." "It says her last words before she was burned alive on the stake was a-a-a curse on all future constables of Willard's Mill." "Get a load of this shit." "This is written in some kind of ass-backwards Mexican cha-cha talk." "Supposedly, Claire's necklace helped you read all this baloney." "Oh!" "Where is it?" "Oh, now, it's funny you'd mention that." "You want to take your best guess at just exactly what I was trying to get when you threatened to kill me?" "Why didn't you say something?" "Just to prove you don't have any idea what you're doing." "[Scoffs]" "You women... you always got to be right." ""I got to be right." "It's important I'm right." "I got to be right this week, next week, all month, this ..."" "You risked both of our lives just to tell me I was wrong?" "Personal foul." "You just did it again." " Wh..." " I asked you a question." "You answered my question with a question." "You were wrong." "Try it on for size." "See..." "See if you can say it." " This is unbelievable." " "I was wrong."" "And for the Daily Double, include, "Starsky and Hutch were gay."" " Well..." " Go ahead, give... give that a try." "You can't even do it." "You can't." "You can't." "We are gonna go back to the cemetery and dig up your dead wife." "Yeah." "Soon as I call my sitter." "[Dialing]" "[Clears throat]" "[Ringing]" "[Telephone ringing]" "Grace!" "Oh, Jesus!" "Karen!" "Don't be mad." "Grace's grandmother came over to get her, but Grace said she didn't know who she was, so I tried to stop it." "Karen, w-where is Grace?" "Hey." "If I'm dead, I shouldn't be talking, right?" "Karen, where is my daughter?" "!" " I know!" " [Screaming]" "[Both laughing]" "What if I don't need no book or spell, huh?" "What if I just hit her over the head with a pipe?" "Or a series of pipes. [Laughs]" "[Woman screams]" "Oh, for the love of God." "Stan, help me!" "Evie, why'd you do that?" "I didn't." "This is the gravesite of all those people who got burned." "And Stella's got Grace." "She's gonna burn me alive." "28 years." "I was the sheriff for 28 years." "Never got tied to a stake." "You're here exactly one week..." "Could you just untie me, please?" "One week." "[Shrieks]" "Geez, lady!" "Anybody ever tell you you look like a barrel of assholes?" "♪" "Grace!" "Grace!" "[Laughs]" "[Hisses]" "Stella Stanas!" "Uh, using my authority as the current constable of the Willard's Mill township," "I hereby pardon you of the false charge of witchcraft." "Pipe to the head." "Never fails." "Not that I've ever... done that to a suspect." "That would, of course, be... illegal." " GRACE:" "Mommy." " It's okay, sweetie." "Mommy's here." "You know, I always hated this thing." "It looks like that crap you get at those Renaissance fairs over towards Vermont." "You ever..." "You ever go to those things?" "They are for shit." "But they got themselves a turkey leg." "Oh, doctor!" "[Clears throat]" "Un-Un-Untie you." "Right." "Right." "There we go." "Thanks." " There you go." " Okay." "28 years." "Oh, God, sweetie." "Okay." "All right." "I need you to go hide behind that tree... okay?" "... and don't come out until I say it's safe." "Okay?" "Can you do that?" "All right." "I can't read this thing." "I didn't bring my glasses." "Well, here." "Uh... all right." "Okay, it says we need to encircle her in salt." "Shit." "We don't have salt." "The hell we don't." "Wha..." "Uh, you're... you're gonna judge me because I steal condiments?" "♪" ""In the name of the great lady I hunt by sea, by flower, by fruit of evil ..."" "STAN:" "Again, like those Renaissance fairs in Vermont but... boy, oh, boy..." "that's good eatin'." "Aah!" "[Both scream]" "[Growling]" "Aah!" "[Screams]" "Ugh." "Come on, you." "Let's go." " EVIE:" "Creature of night..." " Come on, you son of a..." "You want some of that medicine?" " EVIE:" "Let the sacred circle bind you." " How do you like this?" "Great mother of three times three," "I cast thy magic upon you a-and banish thee from the realm of the mortals!" "[Screaming]" "♪" "So... according to that book... we're still cursed." "There's 171 other demons who... are determined to carry it out." "STAN:" "Eh." "I wouldn't worry about it." "♪"