"who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?" "Well, that was me." "Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner." "Karma." "That's when I realized I had to change." "So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, and, one by one, I'm gonna makeupforall mymistakes." "I'm just trying to be a better person." "( over speaker ):" "All right, everybody." "The competition starts in two minutes." "Two minutes!" "Get your spot." "Now, you know the rules." "Competitor puts their hand on the car." "If, at any point in time, they take their hand off the car, they're out!" "Oh!" "You can't come between us." "We're Chinese twins." "Yeah." "So why am I trying to win a car when I already have a perfectly good 1973 El Camino with a 1977 door and a 1987 Camaro transmission?" "Well, it's not for me." "It's for the list-- #74:" ""Always ruined Joy's Christmas."" "* Santa, baby... *" "When Joy and I were married, I wasn't exactly thoughtful with my gift giving." "* Been an awful good girl... *" "What are these for?" "Whatever you want, baby." "* So hurry down the chimney tonight... *" "* Santa, baby... *" "How are these for me?" "They're flavored." "Merry Christmas." "* I'll wait up for you, too, Santa, baby... *" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Wait, these are my keys." "I know;" "I found 'em." "* Tonight *" "* Don't keep me waiting, Santa. *" "Do we have to give this car to Joy if we win?" "WOMAN:" "Excuse me, please." "We could use a new car ourselves." "You know, one to do stunts with." "Randy, I didn't give her a real" "Christmas gift for six years." "I got to give her something big to make up for that." "But she already has a car." "Excuse me, ma'am, thank you." "Joy did already have a car." "Wipe your feet before you come in, boys!" "But it wasn't very practical for the whole family." "All right, one minute, one minute till the competition begins." "CATALINA:" "Earl!" "Randy!" "Catalina, where have you been?" "I had... to blow off work!" "Well, hurry in here." "This thing's about to start." "CATALINA:" "Excuse me!" "Excuse me...!" "MAN:" "We were here first!" "I'm on!" "DEEJAY:" "All right," "I'm Johnny Bubble Wrap-- pop, pop, pop, pop, popping with you, live at our "Hands on a Car" competition." "Who wants to win a car?" "All right, everybody." "Hands on the car." "Three... two... one!" "Don't let go!" "( rockabilly song playing )" "Thanks for doing this with me, Randy." "If we work together as a team, keep an eye on each other, make sure we stay alert," "I think we can win this." "Let's do it." "Yep." "( buzzer sounds ) You're out!" "No, no, no!" "No, no, no, no!" "I-I was just shaking his hand." "I-I didn't mean to." "Oh..." "You're out!" "Yeah." "You're out, buddy." "( laughing ):" "You are out." "( quietly ):" "Damn it." "This sucks." "What am I going to do now?" "Don't worry, Earl." "Me and Catalina are here." "We're gonna win." "* Go, man, go, just hold tight... *" "Thanks, Randy." "Keep your hand on the roof." "* Go, man, go, hmm-mm, go, man, go... *" "While Randy was keeping his hand on the car for me," "I thought I'd take care of another thing on my list." "You see, Joy wasn't the only person I disappointed when it came to Christmas presents." "( Alvin and the Chipmunks singing on TV )" "Hey, did you finish putting the boys' bikes together?" "Uh-huh." "JOY:" "There better be some of that beer left for Christmas morning." "EARL:" "We should go on a beer run." "We okay to drive?" "I know a good way to find out." "If I can steer that remote control car around the living room without crashing, then we're okay." "Randy, that's a cat." "We shouldn't drive." "That's when I realized we might be too drunk to drive, but we weren't too drunk to pedal." "Although I learned a valuable lesson that night:" "If you're going to try to fly a bicycle, you better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a 12-pack of beer." "Well, I guess you two weren't good enough this year, huh?" "That's a shame." "Joy and I owed these poor kids a couple of bikes, and I went over to ask Joy what color they might like." "Hello?" "WOMAN:" "Earl!" "Son of a bitch!" "Buzz and Connie Darville, Joy's parents." "Good people." "Business owners." "Hi!" "We're the Darvilles." "Of Darville's Waterbeds in Medford!" "If you can find a cheaper place in Medford to buy a waterbed, well, you're not in Medford, because we're the only waterbed store." "So come on down, if you wanna sleep on water, 'cause..." "You don't have any other choice!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Darville Waterbeds, where Route Two meets the railroad tracks." "Look for the big blue sign then go two miles south, make a left and park behind the Dumpster." "Buzz!" "Connie!" "You're back." "I'm what?" "Welcome home, soldier." "JOY:" "You're back." "Oh, my God, You're back!" "You're back from Iraq." "Home for the holidays." "?" "I prayed you'd come home safely, son." "Hey, did you bring any of that Middle East sand with you?" "Check your shoes, son, 'cause you can sell that on the Internet, you know." "I bought a tile from one of Saddam's bathrooms." "Had a dove on it." "You believe that?" "A dove." "That hypocritical son a bitch." "Son of a bitch." "Mama, Daddy, he's been gone for months and a wife has her needs, so if y'all will excuse us..." "Take me to the bedroom." "What?" "Take me to the bedroom." "Go on, son." "You've earned it." "Thanks." "What the hell is going on?" "Why are your parents still calling me son?" "They think we're still married." "What?" "!" "Shh-shh." "You know how traditional my parents are." "If they found out I got divorced and married to a black man, they'd crap in a sock." "They think of me as their little angel." "Now come on, help me slosh around on the waterbed, make it sound like we're doing it." "EARL:" "This isn't the first time" "Joy has asked me to lie to her parents about Darnell." "She made me do it when we were married and she had his baby." "You know how sometimes two black people will make an albino baby?" "Yeah, I've seen that at the mall." "That is weird." "You've been away too long!" "Too long!" "Wait, why is your mother in a wheelchair?" "Oh, it's been a rough year." "She got rheumatoid arthritis and kidney failure." "Has to get dialysis twice a week, poor thing." "Oh, yeah." "Give it to me, Earl." "Give it to me like you gave it to those terrorists." "JOY:" "Oh, yeah." "I wouldn't mind you being that passionate sometimes." "Her legs work." "I'm not going to do this, Joy." "I got my list now." "I'm trying to be a better person." "I'm not gonna lie to a woman in a wheelchair." "Earl..." "if Daddy finds out about Darnell, I won't get a penny in his will." "He found out I was gonna go on a date with a black guy in high school and he threatened to take away all my white blue jeans." "And Darnell is okay with this?" "He doesn't care that his wife's father is a racist?" "Darnell is fine with it." "Look, not everybody is trying to change the world, Earl." "Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a waterbed business when our parents kick the bucket." "Turns out Darnell was fine with it." "While Joy's parents were in town he was staying at a Nativity scene down at the local church, since there wasn't room for him at his own double-wide inn." "I can't lie to them, Joy." "It's bad karma." "Well, karma this, dummy:" "If you tell them the truth, they're both gonna go get in their RV and drive home." "That's not my problem." "You're gonna ruin Christmas, Earl." "She had me." "The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Christmas." "So, the next few days," "I pretended Joy and I were still married." "( "Away in a Manger" playing )" "So what's it like, fightin' over there in the desert?" "Well, Buzz, it's a lot like the beach... except the sharks have guns and they're running around on the sand, shooting at you and yelling in a fish language you don't understand." "It got to me." "He's my hero." "Yes, he is." "I'd take the day shift, and Darnell would sneak back in for the night shift." "Thanks, Earl." "It's cold outside in that manger." "I don't know how Jesus did it." "EARL:" "No problem, Crab Man." "I'll be back in the morning." "Put a beer can in the window when it's safe to come in." "Okay." "While I was busy making sure" "I didn't ruin Joy's Christmas," "Randy was keeping his hand on that car so I could cross her off for ruining the last six." "SAMMY DAVIS, JR.:" "* Dashing through the snow... *" "After a few days, time took its toll and there were only three people left." "And one of them was getting tired." "* Laughing all the way *" "* Bells on bobtail ring... *" "You're out." "Damn it!" "We did it, Catalina." "We won!" "Joy's gonna get her car!" "Joy?" "!" "I'm not doing this for Joy." "I hate Joy." "B-But I thought we were doing this together." "You know, like a team." "I never said that." "When I win this car, I'm keeping it." "Catalina, winning this car for Joy is my Christmas present to Earl." "This is for a family." "At Christmas." "You know, "Felis nobby blah."" "That means nothing." "To you, maybe, but in American that means "Christmas" in Mexican." "* Oh, what fun it is... *" "Joy and her dad had taken the boys to the mall, so it was a perfect time to sneak their new bikes into the trailer." "Joy's mom was home, but I was confident she could keep a secret." "CONNIE:" "Go, go, go..." "Yes, girl!" "Yes, girl!" "Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Go, go, go, go." "Atta baby, atta baby!" "Go, baby, go, baby!" "Go, go." "No, oh!" "Damn... it..." "Hey." "?" "Oh, my God." "Is that what I'm doing?" "Were you gambling?" "Fine." "Damn it, I've got a gambling problem, okay?" "Not all of us can be lucky enough to get our thrills from going off and killing bad people." "Don't you judge me." "I'm not judging you, I..." "I'm just a little surprised, that's all." "So, you're not sick?" "I fake dialysis so Buzz doesn't know I go to the track." "He thinks we get a ten percent discount if I pay the doctor in cash." "Buzz, give me $1,000." "I've got to go in for dialysis." "Again?" "You just went this morning." "Yeah, uh, my kidney's really flaring up today." "Well, here, let me take you." "No." "Just give me the grand." "Post time's in 20 minutes." "Post time?" "!" "I don't have time to explain medical terms to you." "My kidney's failing." "Okay, I understand the kidney stuff... to explain the money and the time to go gamble, but why the wheelchair?" "It seems unnecessary." "I sprained my ankle a few months ago and I got used to being pushed around." "Don't you judge me." "No, I'm not..." "CONNIE:" "Oh, my God, is that them?" "Oh, my God." "Oh, Earl, please don't tell." "Please don't." "They're gonna be so mad." "You're not gonna let them know, are you?" "It'll ruin Christmas." "You don't want to ruin Christmas, do you, Earl?" "EARL:" "The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Christmas." "Uh... her favorite song came on the radio and she really wanted to dance." "While I was busy keeping everyone's secrets," "Randy and Catalina were battling it out for the car." "For a woman who spent four days on a raft to get to America," "Catalina was surprisingly sensitive to the sun." "Catalina?" "Catalina?" "Papa?" "No, Catalina, it's me-- your friend Randy." "I don't know where the goat went, Papa." "You bastard." "When a woman faints, you catch her." "When a woman faints, she doesn't keep her hand on the car." "Damn, my elbow's bleeding." "I hit a rock." "And this is my favorite elbow." "Oh, don't show me blood." "I-I can't see blood." "Why?" "Do you have a problem with blood?" "You're out." "We got a winner." "Well, congratulations." "We have a lot of paperwork to fill out." "You want to start by giving me your Social Security number?" "My what?" "Your Social Security number." "Of course." "Four, two, one, three, six, seven, eight, two, five, seven, six, eight," "14, 11, six." "Six?" "Are you a citizen?" "Turns out Catalina had a secret of her own." "Randy won the car by default." "Everything was falling into place." "* 'Twas the night before Christmas *" "* And all through the house *" "* Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse *" "* The stockings were hung by the chimney with care *" "* In hopes that old St. Nicholas soon would be there *" "* The children all nestled snug in their beds *" "* While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads *" "* And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap *" "* We'd just settled our brains for a long winter's nap *" "* When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter *" "* I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter *" "* Away to the window I flew like a flash *" "* And I tore open the shutters and I threw up the sash... *" "Hey, hey." "Connie, where you going?" "To the Indian casino." "I have to gamble, Earl." "I have a problem." "Don't judge me." "But that's Joy's Christmas gift." "BING CROSBY:" "* Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way *" "* Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh *" "* Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way *" "* What fun to ride and sing in a one-horse open sleigh... *" "Where's the car?" "* Jingle bells, j-jingle bells... *" "At the Indian casino." "I lost it." "How could you lose the car?" "* Oh, what fun it is to ride... *" "Place your bets, place your bets." "Dodge Neon on number seven." "Dodge Neon?" "Dodge Neon plays." "Yes!" "I can't believe you lost my car." "That car was for Joy." "I was going to give it to her for Christmas." "Don't you judge me." "Come on, it's been 20 minutes." "It's my turn." "No, it hasn't." "I've been counting." "EARL:" "You said we'd share." "Maybe you could go out to the dealership in the morning and get a new one, you know." "I think they give discounts to soldiers." "Connie?" "You're walking." "It's a Christmas miracle!" "Mama... where's your wheelchair?" "Connie, what's going on?" "I'm done, Connie." "Oh, okay, I have a gambling problem." "My kidneys are fine." "I've been using the dialysis money to go gamble." "I've lost everything." "Don't judge me." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait." "What do you mean, everything?" "Remember when I told you to sign the business over to me in case something bad happened?" "Something bad happened." "Mama found online Pai Gow." "That business was going to be mine!" "How could you do this to the family?" "How... how could you lie right to our faces?" "Baby, we got any orange soda?" "JOY:" "Oh my God, it's a Negro!" "Quick, we're being robbed!" "I got him." "Earl, grab his feet, son." "Let him go, Buzz." "Help me hold him till the cops get here, son!" "Come on!" "Stop calling me son, okay?" "I'm not your son." "I can't do this anymore." "He's your son." "What?" "I'm your son." "You are?" "You Thelma's boy?" "Turns out Buzz had a secret of his own." "* Boogie!" "Get down... * Joy was wrong." "Her father didn't hate black people... he loved 'em." "* Get down, boogie-oogie oogie *" "* Get down... *" "Well, how'd you find me?" "Why, he is your son." "Look at his ears." "He's got white people ears." "JOY:" "My God, he is not your son." "He's my husband, you idiot." "I just didn't tell you 'cause I thought you were racist." "I'm not racist." "Then why'd you flip out when I wanted to go out with that black guy in high school?" "Because... that particular black guy was your half-brother... one of them." "You lying son of a bitch." "Well, ain't that the pot calling the kettle black." "Oh, I'm a black pot, am I?" "That'd turn you on, wouldn't it, buster?" "You want to do it to a black pot?" "You wanna dance, Mr. Kettle?" "They argued like this for the rest of the night, each one of 'em thinking that the other's secret was worse than their own." "But, eventually, morning came, and when the sun came up and the creatures started to stir, well, they had to stop." "* Have a holly jolly Christmas *" "* It's the best time of the year *" "* I don't know if there'll be snow *" "* But have a cup of cheer *" "And before you knew it, the fighting was over." "Sure they all had secrets." "Big ones." "But the truth is, the only reason everybody was keeping their secrets was 'cause they didn't want to lose each other." "Now that they had nothing to hide, well, they could just relax and enjoy Christmas." "* ...the mistletoe, hung where you can see... *" "And that meant Joy had the best Christmas she's ever had." "I could cross her off my list." "* Kiss her once for me *" "* Have a holly jolly Christmas *" "* And in case you didn't hear *" "* Oh, by golly, have a holly jolly Christmas this year. *"