"(grunting, glass breaking)" "Officers responding for backup, arriving at the scene." "All right, all right, stand down." "We got this covered." "This is why you two boys called for immediate backup?" "Two adorable ladies having a pillow fight?" "OFFICER:" "Hey, you weren't here." "It was like Ali-Frazier, if Ali cheated on Frazier with the UPS girl." "What?" "These two little peanuts?" "Aw." "Who won?" "Polly Pocket or Strawberry Shortcake?" "You want some, too, bitch?" "!" "Man, control your suspect!" "All right, get 'em out of here." "We'll secure the area." "Uh, you sure you two can handle an empty apartment?" "No, no, no, no, no, no." "You heard him, Ramirez." "Housekeeping will take it from here." "Hey, hey!" "Put some mints on the pillow." "(laughing)" "You know, I am getting a little sick of Seely always acting like he's better than us." "Yeah." "I mean, just 'cause you get a commendation from the mayor and back-to-back marksmanship awards doesn't mean you're a better cop." "It kind of does." "(whimpering, growling sound)" "Is that your stomach?" "I don't know." "(whimpering sound)" "Still can't tell." "Shh." "I think it's coming from that closet." "I'll be damned." "I always thought lesbians were cat people." "♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪" "♪ La, la-ba-dee-da ♪" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "♪ For the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love ♪" "Who put this dribble of milk back in the fridge?" "Don't look at me." "I'm off White Russians." "I'm sorry, I can't stand jug-bottom milk." "Same with the heels of the bread." "They're nothing but the ass cheeks of the loaf." "Aw, my baby's got a picky tummy." "Oh!" "Joyce, please." "I'm full of milk." "The saddest thing happened at work today." "Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie." "Would a thimbleful of milk help you?" "Unfortunately, no." "There was a domestic disturbance and both parties ended up getting taken into custody, and the cutest little dog you have ever seen got left behind." "Aw." "Aw." "I don't like where this is going." "I know how you feel about dogs, Joyce, so I took her to the shelter and left her there." "Poor thing." "Yeah." "(whimpering sound)" "That better be your stomach." "Did I mention that this story has a happy ending?" "Oh!" "I had to go back and get her." "Look at that face." "Look at this face." "No." "I don't want a dog in this house." "Come on, it's just for a couple of days until her mommies post bail." "And they had outstanding warrants for receiving stolen property, didn't they?" "Yes, they did." "Oh, what a sweet little princess." "Do you know her name?" "Birdie." "Oh!" "Hello, Birdie." "(barks sharply)" "Oh. (laughs nervously)" "Well, maybe she doesn't like women." "She has two moms." "Joyce, can we keep the dog, please?" "We'll walk her, we'll feed her, and if she craps in the yard," "I'll flick it over the fence to the neighbor's." "Hey, she won't be any trouble." "I promise." "Pretty please..." "Oh, all right." "But I don't want to see it, I don't want to smell it, and keep her off of the furniture." "Same deal I had when she brought you home." "I'll make her up a little bed." "Uh, I got one out in the car." "Come on." "You know what I think?" "I think you and I are gonna be best pals." "Best pals, I can tell already." "You want to go in the kitchen with me and get some bacon?" "Huh?" "Let's go into the kitchen and get some bacon. (gasps)" "(baby talk)" "Well, that's the kitchen." "You don't know, but I'm gonna go get you some bacon." "Okay, Mom, keep an eye on her." "I'm gonna get her some bacon." "She's a little standoffish." "My wine." "My wine!" "No..." "Oh!" "Mike..." "What?" "What happened?" "Are you okay, girl?" "Your "girl" just kicked me out of bed." "What is she doing in here?" "Oh, I went down to check on her in her crate, and I couldn't stand to see the poor thing locked up behind bars." "You're a cop, you lock people up every day." "Yeah, people." "Not pretty girls who like their bellies rubbed." "If she's gonna stay, then she's got to move over." "Come on." "Come on, ro... move over." "Come on." "Come..." "Come on... come on..." "Seriously?" "All right, how about, uh," "I sleep in the middle and I'll spoon her and then you spoon me." "All right." "Obviously, she wants some alone time with you." "Never thought I'd lose you to somebody named Birdie." "Just for the weekend." "Oh, boy, somebody has awful breath." "Don't worry." "Tomorrow, you can use my toothbrush." "Oh, look at this one." "She's just sitting on the floor." "Just sitting there." "On the floor." "Isn't that cute?" "It's adorable." "Just like the last ten pictures you showed me, and the two-minute video of her drinking out of the toilet." "She opened the lid and everything, by herself." "This dog is smart, Carl." "Scary smart." "You know, for something that you got to return in a couple of days, don't you think you might be getting a little too attached to it?" "Okay, first of all, that "something" has a name." "Birdie." "And yes," "I have fallen hard for her." "So, please, let me just enjoy what little time we have left." "All right." "I know better than to get between a man and someone else's dog." "You know, when Molly and me finally move into our own place, the first thing I'm gonna do?" "Buy a puppy." "Yeah, well, hopefully that one won't hate Molly." "I don't know what that is." "Birdie loves everyone." "Even Joyce, who growls every time the poor pooch walks by." "Well, you know, dogs are very intuitive." "You know?" "They can sense things we can't and know things about people... we don't." "What are you trying to say, Carl?" "I'm just saying, how much do we really know about this Molly?" "The only thing she hides from me are Visa bills." "Unless Birdie can sniff out bad credit, you're crazy." "All right." "But Birdie's onto something." "You might have married yourself a cat person." "Don't you dare say that!" "What's wrong with a cat?" "They're jerks." "And they don't care who knows it." "Because they're jerks." "Yeah, but see, that's why I like 'em." "You know?" "Make you earn their love." "Might have something to do with my low self-esteem, but I do enjoy a standoffish kitty." "As long as she's not a bird person." "Now, those people, they're just weird." "Mmm." "Look at this one." "(chuckles)" "Oh, no, that's Vince's head." "I can't believe the sweater fit." "I told you." "Made that when you were just six months old." "You outgrew it in a week." "Look at her." "Look at the boss." "You are just a lovebug." "You're gonna have to come spend a weekend at Grandma's, so I can spoil you rotten." "Well, don't get too attached." "Remember, I gotta take her back in a couple days." "Oh..." "Can we not talk about Birdie leaving, please?" "You're getting her all worked up." "Mike, look what Birdie did to my shoe." "MIKE:" "Oh, no." "Did she eat some leather?" "Are you okay, girl?" "Oh, I'll grab her some charcoal." "We'll-we'll get her to throw up." "Wait, what are we going to do about this?" "Well, maybe not leave your clodhoppers laying around." "Poor baby could have choked on that ugly shoe." "We should puppy-proof the whole house." "Any mistake she makes is really our fault." "Or maybe we could leave her in the crate while we're not watching her, like we talked about." "You can't put her in a crate." "That's cruel." "It's not cruel." "It's a dog crate." "It's a crate specifically made to put a dog into." "People also put dogs in sacks and toss them in the river." "Should we do that, too?" "Oh, my God!" "I'm not saying kill the dog." "Mike, back me up here." "Ma, I won't let her kill the dog." "I... no!" "I have never said kill the dog!" "I'm just trying to keep this mutt from chewing her way through my entire closet." "(barks) You stay out of this." "Just asking, if this was a cat, would you feel differently?" "What?" "I'm gonna take her outside until this one stops screaming." "I'm not scr...!" "(whispering):" "I am not screaming." "Boy, treat a poor dog like this," "I guess we can see what kind of mother you'd be." "She's not allowed back in the house until she learns how to behave." "The dog?" "Her, too." "Well, Birdie's in her crate." "Her cold, dark crate." "Mike, she's gonna be fine." "She's got a heating pad and a blanket, plus Vince is sleeping next to her on the kitchen floor." "I know, it's just gonna be weird to be in this bed all alone." "I'm right here." "You know what I mean." "Fine, I'll try to snore." "You can scratch my tummy." "Try to snore?" "You know that just because I'm putting her in a crate doesn't mean somehow, you know, I'm gonna be a bad mother." "Nobody's saying that." "Your mother said exactly that." "And she's got some nerve after all the stuff she did to you." "Hey, she's a good mom." "Mike." "It's me." "When you were a baby, your car seat was a laundry basket." "It was safe." "She wedged me in with towels." "I rest my case." "Oh, all right, well, how about your mom?" "She's not exactly perfect." "I didn't say she was perfect, but I think she did a pretty darn good job." "Molly, come on." "It's me." "She soaked your teething rag in whiskey." "And I never felt a single tooth come in, plus I was sleeping through the night at six weeks." "Yeah, 'cause she didn't want to deal with you." "Well, better to be ignored than smothered." "What are you talking about?" "Your mom can't stand to be away from you." "She wanted to go with us on our honeymoon." "She had never been to Paris." "Well, maybe you should take her for our anniversary." "You know what," "I think Birdie might be right about you." "You're not very nice." "Where you going?" "I'm gonna go snuggle with my best gal." "Oh, I thought your mom already left." "(blows raspberry)" "(Birdie barking) I've been nothing but nice to you!" "I'm telling Mom you were on the couch." "Oh, leave her." "She's sweet." "When did you turn?" "When I realized she looks exactly like Vince." "That's who it is." "They got the same underbite and everything." "All I know is, I don't care if a dog likes me, because I like me." "Well, I like you, too." "But why doesn't that dog like me?" "Why are you letting this get to you?" "Because it's like when you pick up a baby and it starts crying." "It makes you start thinking there's something wrong with you." "Ugh." "I know what you mean." "You two cried all the time when I held you." "At first, I thought it was me." "Then I realized it was the cigarette smoke." "You smoked around us?" "Not after that." "I just held you less." "God, you were needy babies." "Isn't that the deal with babies?" "They kind of need stuff from ya?" "Oh, yeah." "They're a real pain in the ass." "But that's the job." "You know, keep the kids alive till they become interesting." "Why did you even have us?" "It's what people did back then." "You know, like feathering your hair or littering on the expressway." "Important thing is, I love you now." "Should we believe her?" "What choice do we have?" "Kraft Singles and a jar of applesauce?" "That is the saddest lunch I've ever seen." "Yeah, Birdie ate my first lunch off the counter." "It was so cute, but she's gonna have trouble passing that sandwich bag." "So, now, are you gonna dip the cheese in the applesauce or roll the applesauce in the cheese like a burrito?" "You sound interested." "You want to trade for half your lunch?" "Sure." "I got quinoa salad with tuna." "I'm good." "Mikey!" "Hey!" "Ma, what are you doing here?" "I was across the street at the Sam's Club." "You bent over the other night, and I saw you might need new briefs." "Ma, you didn't have to do that... here at work." "Of course I did." "I wanted to make sure they fit." "Hey, Ma, while you're here, not for nothing, but next time you're over at the house, try not to say horrible things to my wife." "What are you talking about?" "That shot you made about what kind of mother she'd be." "She knew what I meant." "What'd you mean?" "That she'd be a horrible mother." "I don't know how she'd take that wrong." "Look, Molly's gonna make a great mom." "It's not her fault that she hasn't had the best example." "That's true." "They don't have the kind of relationship that we have." "Right." "Ah, darn it." "Ooh, here, give me that." "You're making a mess." "Ugh." "I guess I'm just gonna have to step up and try to be more of a role model for her." "Yeah, show her what a healthy, mother-child relationship should be." "I wouldn't show that to anyone." "Wait, wait." "Do the airplane." "(imitates airplane engine revving)" "Okay, let's go over this one more time." "When I say "Joyce," you do what?" "Joyce!" "Good girl." "And when I say, "Good-bye, honey!"" "Ah, good girl!" "Mike was right... you are smart." "(sighs)" "Hey." "Hi." "I'm glad you're both here." "I got some bad news." "Birdie's moms made bail this morning." "They want her back tonight." "Oh." "There's nothing you could do?" "You're a cop." "You're above the law." "Plant something on 'em." "It's already done." "Look, we knew this day was gonna come." "We could say the dog ran away." "I'll take her, lay low till things cool off." "You get a dog that looks just like Birdie, run her over with your car a few times..." "Vince!" "I'm sorry!" "I'm spinning out here!" "What's going on?" "We got to take the dog back." "I'm sorry." "Are you?" "Yes!" "Are you?" "!" "Yes!" "All right!" "We're all a little raw right now." "Vince, grab her stuff, and I'll meet you in the car." "I can't do it." "It's too painful." "Well, I can't do it either." "(scoffs) Give me the leash." "Wa-Wa-Wait." "What-what are you gonna do to her?" "She already hates me." "I'll do it." "She'll probably be happy to get away from me." "Thank you." "Okay, well, I guess this is it." "You-you got to go home now." "We can't keep you anymore." "I'm..." "Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much." "Oh, cut it out!" "You're making this harder than it is." "Now-now go on!" "Go on, you big dummy." "Go home!" "I should go check on him." "He's a mess." "Boy, you got those two wrapped around your fat little paw." "Look, I don't know what your problem is with me, but whatever vibe you think you're picking up, you're wrong." "(laughs)" "I'm a nice person." "Just because we didn't connect, you know, doesn't mean that I'm unloving or-or cold." "I mean, maybe it's you." "Maybe-maybe this is something that you've got to work through." "I mean, we all, you know, have to work through some stuff." "I mean, judgmental mother-in-law or not-good-as-you-thought mothers." "But, I mean, thinking that I'm not gonna be a good mother because a dog doesn't like me?" "Please." "It doesn't bother me at all." "(horn honking, tires squealing) Ooh!" "Watch it, jackass!" "You all right?" "Huh?" "(laughing):" "Oh!" "Are you giving me kisses?" "Are you giving me kisses?" "Yes, you are." "I knew you liked me." "Oh!" "(laughing):" "Oh!" "No!" "That's a..." "I'm not gonna tell Mike." "I'm not gonna tell Mike that." "Oh." "I'm gonna be an amazing mother." "Oh." "I knew it." "I knew it." "I'm telling you, Mike, it broke my heart giving Birdie back to her owners, but in the end, I think she might have loved me even a little bit more than she loved you." "Of course she did." "Everybody does." "Yeah, except your mother." "Ah, don't listen to her." "She's nuts." "Mine preferred Virginia Slims over babies." "(laughs)" "They mean well." "Do they?" "I can't tell anymore." "Do you think our own kids are gonna think we're crazy?" "If we do our jobs right." "(toy squeaks) Oh!" "Oh." "(toy squeaks)" "I miss Birdie." "She'll be fine." "(giggles)"