"Well, here we are, dude, the first day of fourth grade." "Yeah." "No more getting pushed around by fourth graders!" "Get out of my way, you little dorks!" "Hey!" "We're fourth-graders now, too!" "Yeah, but now, we're fifth-graders, you stupid fourth-graders, so move it!" "Ungh, gay, dude." "Dude, we gotta find some third-graders to beat up." "Hey, come here" "What?" "What grade are you going into?" "Thi-ird" "Stupid third grader!" "Yeah, get out of here!" "There, that's better." "You know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher is some new lady from Denver." "Denver?" "U-hoh, dude, we could walk all over her." "He's right." "We have to take a hard stance right now and establish that we're the dominant ones in this relationship!" "Alright." "Hey, listen up everybody!" "We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves!" "Let's all do something radical!" "Like what?" "Like... ah, how about right at 8:35 we all jump up on our desks and ...pull down our pants and shout, "KISS MY ASS!" all together!" "YEAH!" "Why, that's perfect!" "Well, buh wuh when we pull our pants down, should we stand frontways or back?" "I mean, do we show 'er our..." "behinds, or-ar our w-wieners?" "...I think showing her our asses should be quite sufficient, Butters." "Uh-uh, maybe we could stand like this, with our wieners poking' through the back of our legs, you know, and give 'er a nice fruit bowl." "...Yeah." "Or we could just show our asses." "Okay, so it's decided." "When the clock hits 8:35 we all stand up on our desks, pull down our pants and yell, "KISS MY ASS!"" "Together we are strong!" "YEAH!" "Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling his pants down." "We got you covered, Timmy." "Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom?" "Huhuh, look at all this stuff." "Hey, what the hell is with these little half-desks?" "Dude, look at the walls." "Everything is written in some strange, foreign language." "Alright, children, quiet down." "Welcome to the fourth grade." "Holy God, dude!" "(Those tittes are fuckin' huge!" ")" "My name is Ms. Choksondik." "...More like, Ms. Makesmesick." "Play time is over, children!" "Do you understand me?" "!" "I don't know how your last teacher behaved, but this is the fourth grade!" "And it is time to go to work!" "KISS MY ASS!" "Oh, weak, you guys." "Seriously weak." "Well, young man, I hope you have a good explanation for this." "Oh, I'm sure I do." "This is the fourth grade!" "You need to grow up!" "I'm trying." "Now, get back to your desk and write a thousand-word essay on why you feel you need to disrupt my class." "Fantastic, then." "Now, let us begin our first-day exam." "SILENCE!" "What a bitch!" "And did you see her lazy eye?" "You can't even tell what she's looking at." "You guys are all such pussies!" "I can't take it, man!" "Writing in cursive?" "Fractions?" "I can't do i-it!" "This is it." "The end of innocence." "This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents told us about." "I just didnt think it would come so soon." "Yeah." "Only now do we realize how much we all took the third grade for granted." "Huh?" "Everything was great in third grade." "And now that it's all over, we'er starting to see just how special it was." "Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade?" "We used to laugh and play and cherish each day in the Third Grade" "We learned wonderous things from a teacher so nice" "Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles" "The world seemed to all make sense but that sense seems to slowly fade" "After Third Grade" "In the Third Grade we used to write with crayons" "We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue" "We had warm cookies and hearts full of love" "And there wasn't a care in the world of me... of you..." "There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade ...just to go back for one minute" "To Third Grade" "Wow!" "I had already forgotten how great third grade was." "Huh-it sure was." "I wish I was sstill there." "Hey, that's it!" "We gotta go back to third grade!" "How?" "We travel back in time." "Oh yeah, time travel." "Oowuh how are we gonna do that?" "Does it hurt?" "I don't wanna do it if it hurts." "Or if it... makes you get all sticky." "It can't be that bad." "People do it on TV all the time." "Yeah, we just have to find somebody who knows how to do it." "Well, what about those two college guys next door to me?" "They're always doing science experiments in their basement." "Yeah, if there's a way to travel back in time, those two dorks will know how!" "When it comes to time-traveling theory, there are basically two school of thought." "The Spock Theory is that a sling shot around the sun could create a wormhole in which time could not escape." "The Lieutenant Commander Data Theory, however, is that a nag vibration could create a rip in the time-space continuum" "Look, whatever it takes, we just have to get back to third grade." "Time-travel is no laughing matter." "Four times the Enterprise went back in time, and four times they almost didn't make it back." "We don't want to make it back, we want to stay there." "Oh." "So can you do it?" "It's all theoretical, but from a scientific standpoint, the creation of a rip in space-time is possible." "We just need to find an inertia device." "Heeeyyy." "This kid's electric wheelchair might be just what we need." "Tuh-timmih?" "Oh, this new fourth-grade teacher is driving me nuts!" "What's the problem?" "Uh, you see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has very large, uh, honkers, and she doesn't seem to like wearing a bra." "You call that a problem?" "That sounds like heaven to me." "No, it's really not as nice as you might imagine, Chef, m'kay." "Principal Victoria, I would like a word!" "Oooo!" "Call the doctor!" "My new students are the most misbehaved, illiterate, brain-dead group of children I have ever come across!" "Well, Ms...." "Choksondik, those children did fairly well in the third grade." "One of them is mentally handicapped, for Christ's sake!" "Oh?" "Which one?" "The one in the wheelchair!" "Look, I would like to have a talk with their last year's teacher!" "Who was it?" "Mr. Uh-heh, Garrison?" "!" "I'm afraid that's impossible." "Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since the last school year ended." "Why?" "!" "Where did he go?" "!" "We... don't like to talk about it." "But I need help reaching these kids!" "I have nothing but the hghest expectations for them." "And with God as my witness" "I'm going to teach these kids the wonders of the world, so that they can reach the top!" "I hope that sometime very soon you will let me in on what happened to this Mr. Garrison!" "And with that I will bid you good day!" "Wuh sure thing, fine, bye-bye then." "Alright, when we power up, the handicapped kid's chair will accelerate at a high rate of speed about 10 feet that way, then make the required magnetic vibrations." "If the fields are right, it should then create a wormhole up near the front of the classroom." "You guys don't actually think this is going to work, do you?" "Now, eh, when you all see a wormhole, yuh-you guys are gonna have about 4.2 seconds to run through it." "And on the other side you will find yourself in the exact same spot, only one year ago." "Back in the third grade." "Cool/Wow." "I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time, and we all tell her to suck our balls!" "Yeah!" "Oh!" "Here she comes." "Alright, children, I hope you all did your homework last night." "Please pass your papers up to the frontuh." "Suck my balls!" "Oh, God-damnit, you guys, I am so seriously" "I said, pass your papers to the fronteh!" "We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makesmesick!" "We didn't feel like it!" "It's Choksondik!" "And you are all going to have detention!" "Hahaa!" "Charade you are, teacher!" "I'm afraid we have different plans!" "Gentlemen?" "Primary fusion initiated" "Molecular grenadine active." "What are you doing?" "!" "We're going back in time to third grade!" "Goodbye, teacher!" "Perhaps we shall see you in another year!" "I didn't think it would work." "Me neither." "Well, well, well!" "I'd say somebody has some explaining to do!" "You're damn right they do!" "Dude!" "Timmy's chair is packed with all that stuff!" "We've gotta help him!" "Yeah!" "Children!" "Children, come back here!" "Timmy, you have to stop!" "No!" "No?" "Look, the system malfunctions if he stops." "The nuclear core can bake his magnetic field and the whole chair will blow sky-high." "What?" "!" "Timmy!" "You've got to get off that chair!" "No!" "No?" "We've rigged the chair to be sensitive to his weight." "If he gets off, the whole thing blows!" "So if Timmy drops his speed below five miles an hour the chair blow, and if he gets off, the chair blows?" "Yup." "My God!" "It's been over three hours since the police first showed up on the scene of a handicapped boy's wheelchair set with explosives." "Over here, over here!" "The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion, and so the SWAT team will now attempt to disarm the device." "Closer!" "Don't worry, son." "Just watch your speed and stay still!" "Look out, Hansen!" "Dear Jesus!" "Hang on, lady!" "Oh my God, what's going on?" "Ma'am, be very careful!" "That wheelchair is set to explode!" "What?" "!" "AAAH!" "Omigod!" "Omigod!" "It's okay!" "Just stay calm and keep the speed above 5!" "O-kay." "O-kay." "Omigod." "Okay." "I kept the speed at 5." "Good!" "What's the wheelchair's battery power at?" "Oh my God!" "Less than 20 minutes!" "Less than 20 minutes?" "!" "Oh no!" "What have we done?" "!" "Whattaya think?" "Too forward?" "I HAVE HAD IT!" "These children are out of control!" "I must speak with their last year's teacher, Mr. Garrison!" "As we said before, that's impossible." "What in God's name happened to him?" "Uuuh, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Garrison had several uuh, eee-motional issues." "He was a closet homosexual who hated gay people." "Whenever someone asked him if he was gay, he'd go nuts." "And then he was accused of trying to solicit sex from a young boy." "After being dismissed from teaching, he went off to write romance novels." "His first novel sold well and everything was fine until he found out that his novel won the gay Pulitzer prize, and was considered the best homoerotic novel since Huckleberry Finn." "He finaly snapped and had a nervous breakdown and... went up into the mountains to live in solitude." ""Some say that on cold nights you can still hear him moaning'," ""I'm not gaaay!" "I'm not gaaay!"" "Iii'mmm nnnooottt gggaaayyy!" "And, nobody has found him?" "Well, we really haven't ll-looked." "I see." "Then the only way I'll find the secret to teaching these kids ...is to go up into those mountains and find Mr. Garrison myself!" "But he could be anywhere up high in those mountains." "Oh, I'll find him!" "Even if I have to climb up and up and up!" "NOOO!" "What?" "Oh my God, Oh my God!" "Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside of Denver where the darling handicapped boy fights for his life on a wheelchair of death." "Guys, can you tell us what kind of explosive we're actually dealing with here." "Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen-fusion core with a veltig reactant" "This has never happened in all the 72 original Star Trek episodes." "Yah... wait, you mean 73 episodes." "...No, there were 72." "No there weren't!" "Oh, you are such a nerd!" "Tom, I understand that now, the rescuers are gonna try and send in one of the handicapped boy's little friends, in an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully, disarm the device." "It's alright, eveything's goin' tuh be fine." "Oh my God!" "Alright, young man, when you get underneath that wheelchair," "I want you to relay back to me with this walky-talky, and then I'll tell you which wires to cross." "Ready?" "(Yes, sir!" ")" "Go below!" "(Hi guys.) (Uh oh.) (Uff." "I'm okay.)" "Well, who didn't see that coming?" "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "Stay calm!" "You have to stay calm!" "But if we got off the chair it blows up!" "No no, that's only if the boy gets off." "Oh." "See ya!" "Timmih!" "Ten seconds, Hansen!" "...nine, eight..." "Please-a help me." "...six, five..." "Please help me." "Please help me." "Got it!" "I think!" "Up, up!" "Hey, it did work." "Hello-oo-ooo." "Oh, what am I doing?" "I'm gonna get myself killed." "Is anyone here?" "Mister?" "Mr. Garrison?" "Who -?" "Who are you?" "What do you want?" "I am the new fourth grade teacher." "I've come to... seek your help." "Please." "I don't know how to handle the new fourth graders." "I've tried everything." "I need to know how you taught them." "No!" "No, I... haven't... taught in over... eight... months." "Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach these kids!" "You're my only hope!" "Do you know what it is to be a teacher, Ms....?" "Choksondik." "No I don't!" "IT'S A LIE!" "You see?" "That's what you get for bein' a teacher!" "You work and you work for the children and then people start rumors that you're gay even though you love poontang!" "Mr. Garrison, these children are depeding on me to give them a future." "I can't do it without your guidance." "Please!" "Help me, for them!" "For the future of our children!" "...Two hundred bucks." "...Done." "Dude!" "You gotta build us another time machine!" "Huh?" "Oh..." "Can't." "What do you mean, "can't"?" "!" "You made it work; just build us another one!" "I can't, because pizza-face isn't here!" "We're not on speaking terms!" "We got in a big fight and he moved all his stuff out!" "W-what did you get in a fight about?" "There's 73 original Star Treks!" "He keeps saying there's 72!" "Oh, Jesus Christ!" "You've got to be kidding me!" "No!" "He actually thinks there's 72.!" "Look, dude, can't you just build us another machine without him?" "No." "Pizza-face took all his equipment home to his mom's." "Now, if you can go over there and get him to admit that he's wrong..." "Alright, come on, guys." "Man, I can't bellieve we have to do this while Timmy's already back in time!" "Yeah!" "Timmy's probably back in third grade right now living it up!" "Alright, let's try it again." ""Children, we are now going to do math problems."" ""But teacher, I don't want to do my math problems."" ""Uuh!" "Ah, you will do them or else you'll be in very big trouble!"" ""Well, I'm not gong' to do it, teacher!" "You can just suck my balls!"" ""Don't use that kind of language, young man!"" "NOOO!" "No?" "Look, you can't counter a profane command with an idle threat!" "You must extingish it with a vulgar suggestion!" "When a child says, "Suck my balls," you say, "Present them."" "Now, let's try it again." "SUCK MY BALLS!" "Pre-sent them?" "Good." "Very good." "You're ready to move on to the next level." "But I warn you: we will now be diving deep into your own psyche." "These children know what scares you, and so we, too, must face those demons." "I'm ready." "I'm not afraid." "You will be!" "You will be!" "You wil be." "God-damnit, this is ridiculous." "What?" "!" "Dude, can you please just stop fighting with your friend and build another machine ...so we can travel back in time to the third grade?" "Look!" "There aern't 73 episodes of Star Trek, there are 72!" ""The Menagerie" was a 2-parter that counts as one episode!" "Pizza-face is wrong!" "Who the hell cares?" "!" "I know!" "Why does he have to be such a dick about it?" "!" "Wouldn't it be better to just agree with him and forget the whole thing?" "No, because he's WRONG!" "Look." "You guys built a machine together that can bend time." "If you'll just agree with him, you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science!" "And live in a world of 72 original Star Treks?" "I don't think so!" "I don't want to live in that world." "God, these guys are such geek dumbasses!" "I know." "Yeh-hah." "They don't even realize that "The Menagerie"" "originally was the pilot and later got split up into two episodes," "eh, the dumbasses." "Wiait a minute!" "I've got it." "What?" "!" "Dude, if you guys build another time machine, you can travel back in time and ask the creator of Star Trek how many episodes there were!" "Dude, Jesus, you're right." "This is it:" "The Tree of Insight." "You must go in and face what lives inside." "What lives inside?" "Hel if I know." "I wouldn't go in there." "Oh, alrighty." "What the?" "Why there's nothng in here but an exit to the other side!" "There's nothing in here at all." "...Oh, and I actually thought my mental demons would be in here." "Wait a minute." "Maybe there's not supposed to be anythng in here." "Maybe I'm supposed to see that I alone do have the strength to reach the kids!" "I think I get it now!" "Hey, hurry up in there!" "Jesus." "You're taking too long in the damn Tree of Insight!" "You in there?" "!" "Hey, where the hell did she go?" "What the?" "Who?" "Who are you?" "I am you." "I am your gay side." "My gay side, uh" " I DON'T HAVE A GAY SIDE!" "You must face me at last." "You aren't real!" "You can't be!" "It is me, your darkest fear." "Your gay self, incarnate." "What do you want?" "I want you to not fight me anymore." "To accept me, once and for all." "Why?" "Don't you see?" "All these years, your pain, your confusion, it comes from one place." "Your denial of who you are." "Of who... we are." "But I'm not gay!" "Everyone just thinks I am!" "Oh, stop it!" "What about the time you looked at Counselor Mackey's penis in the men's locker room?" "!" "I was just comparing size!" "For seven minutes?" "!" "And what about the time you masturbated to the men's 100-meter swimming relay at the Olympics?" "!" "I was beating off to the chicks!" "THERE WERE NO CHICKS!" "OH, DAMN YOU SPIRIT!" "HAUNT ME NO LONGER!" "ADMIT IT!" "NO!" "YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND GET A G" "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I ADMIT IT!" "I'M GAY!" "I'm...gay." "I'm gay!" "I am gay!" "You hear that everyone?" "I'm gay!" "I'm gay!" "I'm gay and it... and it feels good." "Alright, children, I hope you all did your" "Oowhat is going on now?" "!" "Haha, Teacher, we're traveling back in time to third grade!" "" "God-damnit you guys, you seriously said this time you'd snap into it with me." "Oh Good Gravy, not this again." "Yes!" "We've had a new time maching built:" "this one out of a simple microwave oven and a duck" "Au revoir, teacher!" "Perheps we shall see you in the past, hahaa." "Gentlemen?" "Children, I will have order!" "I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to tell you how WRONG you are!" "Just like when you said there were no two-parters of Battlestar Galactica!" "There WEREN'T!" "The episode called "Gonzo on Ice Planet Zero" was a two-parter." "No it WASN'T!" "Oh, son of a bitch!" "I'll kill you!" "There it is!" "Come on, everybody!" "Children, get back into your seats!" "No way, lady!" "Eric, I mean it!" "You can suck my balls!" "Present them." "...What?" "You said, "suck my balls." Well, go ahead." "Whip 'em out, and I'll suck 'em." "Thah..." "That's what Mr. Garrison would've said." "Touché, teacher." "Touché." "Now, children, listen to me." "Why do you want to go back in time?" "Life isn't about going back, it's about going forward." "Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive, but, if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again?" "The adventure of life is that there's always something new." "New challenges, new experiences." "A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes." "So it is with life." "Do you understand?" "Dude." "Sh-she's right." "Yeah." "And you know, now that I think about it, third grade wasn't all that great, either." "Yeah." "Third grade sucked!" "Cartman, why the hell did you try to make us think third grad was so great?" "!" "Yeah!" "You suck, Cartman!" "What?" "Alright, students, that will be quite enough!" "If you're ready, let's continue on... with the fourth grade." "Hey, Timmy's back!" "Dude, it looks like he's been all over time!" "He must have such cool stuff to tell us." "Eh, Timmih." "You know I'm always here to help, Principal Victoria." "Ey, guess what everybody?" "!" "I'M GAY!" "Mr. Garrison?" "What?" "I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!" "You admit it?" "You admit it!" "Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison." "You've finally come to terms with yourself!" "Yeah, it feels really good!" "Well, congratulations!" "Yeah, congratulations!" "You know, I, I feel like I can start anew." "If it's alright with you, I'd like to go back to teaching the third grade!" "Oh." "I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people."