"[Barack Obama speaking]" "[drill whirring]" "[cheers and applause]" " Not the sexiest thing" "I've seen an Asian girl do with an ear of corn." "Welcome to the mid-season premiere of "Amy Schumer Presents Tosh.0."" "Since some of you can't afford to go on vacation," "I'll let my wardrobe do the vacationing for you, because this is the Summer 2016" "Tropical Island Resort Wear Collection for Tosh, by Tosh." "[wind gusting]" "You can just call it Resort Wear." "Get ready for lots and lots of breathable linen and drawstrings instead of belts." "Tonight, I get behind this sassy songbird," "I preview the most explosive musical of the summer, and I ask 24.3 million people to sign my yearbook." "Now let's go back and witness the superior torque of Makita." "Makita: the number one drill for haircuts." "[drill whirring]" "Flip the switch to reverse and this can all be fixed." "Or take a cue from your girl Minnie Mouse." "Or dig in the garbage for those husk hairs you shucked, glue 'em down, you're good to go." "[both speaking foreign language]" "Might I suggest a deep side part, doctor?" "There's no wrong way to eat corn, except with power tools, and possibly this." "So creamy." " Shh!" " I like to sneak in a stick of butter from home." "Ah." "Make it extra rich." "You want some?" " No, thank you." " You?" " No." " Ohh... [slurps] [dramatic music]" "Ah!" "Y'all don't like creamed corn?" "You gotta try it on the cob." "Creamed corn on the cob." "Mmm." "Okay, I'd rather watch an hour of this than that "Zoolander" sequel." "[rhythmic beeping]" "Take it easy, you sexy fruit loop." "It's just a driver's license photo." "That's impressive." "He's not even saying cheese each time." "He can bang out an entire JCPenney catalogue in five minutes." "Male models work harder, yet their female counterparts get paid 150% more." "[scoffs]" "♪PayFemaleModelsLess." "All right, Stunts 101:" "always let your kidneys break your fall." "[indistinct conversation]" "No, I said "dive in the pool,"" "not "dive on the stool."" "It's not an authentic Macho Man impression unless you end up dead." "Another human being beingdestroyed in front of our very eyes!" "What the hell is this?" "Someone tell me why, damn it!" " The bench went on to win the Intercontinental belt and a lawsuit against Gawker for posting a video of it porking some patio furniture." "Moving on." "Sea World's going a bit overboard trying to prove how safe they are." "[serene music]" "Can a dolphin actually get a woman pregnant?" "[laughs]" "Asking for a friend." "If that baby's got a blowhole, things are about to get very awkward in this pool." "Keep it under, if you're still on the fence." "During a water birth, human life doesn't technically begin until the baby touches dry land." "Deuteronomy 2:12-14." "I tell you who I feel bad for:" "whoever has to clean that pool." "Oh, come on!" "These filters aren't designed to handle a placenta!" "God damn it!" "Did somebody bring another dolphin to the pool?" "[dolphin clicking]" "Omelet station's gonna have some weird options tomorrow." "That's an Econo Lodge in Cincinnati where the policy is, anytime there's an animal near a child, shoot to kill." "Play the next thing." "It's rare to find three Asians tallenoughto go on anyride." "Uh-oh." "Now let's find out why no one in the history of vomiting has ever successfully reversed the flow in this week's Breakdown." "Welcome to Singapore, where this guy is too scared to throw up because littering is punishable by death over there." "Why don't they have any shoes on?" "Is that what it costs togoon thisride?" "I would have unbuckled him afterthefirstdry heave." "It's not puke until it leaves your body." "You keep the lips sealed, and it's just a very wet burp." "There you go." "Swallow it." "That's the beauty of Carnival fish head curry... tastes just as good the second time going down." "Okay, now guess his weight." "I'm starting to understand why they don't have a fourth friend." "There is no bodily fluid that Asians won't rub on each other, and for that, we thank you." "We'll be right back, but first, here's your dick of the week." "[man speaking indistinctly]" " We want to send a message to Texas and then all over the United States." "We need a cleaning in that White House, and we need a woman to clean it up, and that woman is Hillary Rodham Clinton." "[cheers and applause]" "Ready?" "♪ We need a woman in the White House ♪" "♪ And that person's Hillary Clinton ♪" "♪ She's the one ♪" "♪ We need a woman in the house" "♪ The White House" "♪ Come on and join us, everyone ♪" " Okay." " ♪ We need a woman in the house ♪" "♪ The White House" "♪ Our fight has just begun ♪" " That's right." "all: ♪ Hillary in the house" "♪ Hillary in the White House" " ♪ Let's get loud ♪" "♪ Let's get real ♪" "♪ Tell me how you really feel now ♪" "♪ Hillary in the White House" "♪ '08, '08 ♪ all: ♪ Hillary in the house" "♪ Hillary in the White House" "♪ Hillary in the house" "♪ Hillary in the White House" " John McCain must be rolling in his grave." "Maybe try a less complicated chant." "That flaming liberal is Paul, and he is a die-hard Hillary Head." "That was from the '08 presidential race, which was the first time America let Hillary know they find her extremely unlikable." "Cut the Hilldebeest some slack." "Nobody her age knows exactly how email works." "I hate to mix comedy and politics, but somebody on Comedy Central has to." "I'm told this is an election year." "We've got a man who wears too much makeup versus a woman who doesn't wear enough." "The election is like "The Bachelorette."" "JoJo and her fake cans are gonna continue to tongue-kiss a lot of dudes until she inevitably settles for Aaron Rodgers' somehow less masculine brother over more qualified candidates, excluding Chad." "I'd like to headbutt Chad right in his deli-meat-stuffed mouth." "You're not being real, Chad." "Explain to me how you can call yourself a luxury real estate agent in Tulsa, Oklahoma." "Sorry, what was I talking about?" "The election?" "All right." "My heart says Hillary, my money says not Bernie, and my boners say Trump's daughters." "Hillary was one of only 14 people in the war room when we killed Osama." "But the Donald is the only candidate who's in the WWE Hall of Fame for shaving Vince McMahon's head at Wrestlemania 23." "Sure, "Madam President" sounds more like the CEO of a brothel." "But the bonus to electing Hillary:" "you get Bill back in the White House, and who doesn't want to see what he can do with a free schedule?" "I may not get Paul's enthusiasm any more than I get what a superduper delegate is, but I can't stop singing... ♪ Hillary in the house" "♪ Hillary in the White House" "That's why I flew him to California, where 3/4 of the population will be deported if Trump wins, for this week's Web Redemption." "["Hail to the Chief" playing]" " Paul." "Welcome to my 2016 Hillary fund-raising dinner." " Daniel, am I early?" " Nope, this is everybody." "I was charging $100 a plate." "Seemed like a fair price." "Then Bernie Sanders swooped in next door charging $95 a plate." "Old Bernie Jewed me down." " Whoa, whoa, whoa." " Ah, we're just kibitzing here." "Get over here, you meshuggener." "So how did this video come about?" " Oh, "Hillary in the House"?" " Yes, the original." " Hillary was needing support." "She was losing to Obama." "I went to Texas." "I was on the streets singing my little song... ♪ Hillary in the house" "♪ Hillary in the White House" "I got up there; it was, like, 5:00 in the morning, right..." " That was 5:00 a.m.?" " Yeah." " Oh, such good energy at 5:00 a.m." " Anyways, it went viral." "We need a cleaning in that White House, and we need a woman to clean it up." " Did you feel, in hindsight, that implying that you needed a woman to clean the house was sexist?" " You know, the thing is that what I say a lot of times is what I think America thinks of women, that a woman's place is in the home." " Could Hillary do anything to make herself..." "I don't know... more likable?" " I would like to get her on a diet." "I know that she's doing yogurt." "I mean... [laughs]" "She's doing yoga." " When you said in your song," ""We don't need no bling,"" "that was in reference to a black..." " How dare you?" " President Barack Obama, correct?" " We didn't... we didn't..." " "Bling" meant black." " ♪ We don't need no bling ♪" "♪ All we got to do is sing" " Aha." " There's a lot of bling around Donald too." " Oh, you are getting..." " It's like, bling, bling, bling, bling." "Bling, bling, bling, bling." "I'm not a racist." " Are you classically trained?" " No." " Oh." " I've been a dancer in the past." "I have tons of videos out." " The choreography there... all: ♪ Hillary in the house" "♪ Hillary in the White House" " True or false:" ""The Good Wife" TV show stole your song... all: ♪ Peter is the man" "♪ Peter is the right man" " And you sued." " I didn't sue." "I went for licensing fee, and I got it up to $17,000." " You took that money, and you put it right into the techno remix." " ♪ H-I-L-L-A-R-Y" " ♪ Hillary" " No, I didn't." " No, you didn't." "Is there any chance you're actually hurting Hillary's campaign?" " No, and I've had people from the campaign that won't even allow me to put the song or advertise it because I'm selling a CD." "I'm making millions of dollars off this CD." "I'm like, "Are we on the same page?" "Are we trying to get the same woman elected?"" "And then we get the people that really appreciate it." "Women of color and people that can move their butt, like myself, even though I'm not a man of color, love dancing to "Hillary in the House."" " Women of color." "How about this?" "When Hillary is president, do you think..." " She's gonna invite me?" " She will give an intern a hand job just to even the score with Bill?" " Um, no." " What are your thoughts on Bernie?" " I don't get it." " Is that a generational thing?" " Yeah, I'm over 50." "I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to get things done in my life." "After Prince passed away, I just said, you know..." "I'm three days away from Prince." "For a long time, I mean, there were these other singers that obviously have made names for themselves." "There was Michael Jackson, myself, Prince, and Madonna." " Those were the four." " What I'm saying is that we were all on the same level." "We were the same age." "So when Michael, you know, passed..." " Murdered." " Probably." "You know, I said to my god, my higher power, I said," ""Whatever it is that I've got to do with my life, let's do it."" " I want you to explain to me Benghazi in under 20 seconds so maybe I could understand it." " Um, obviously nobody in the Situation Room was expecting Benghazi." "And I brought out some things that maybe I have emotionally and passionately would do if I was president." "There were a lot of times I was still throwing chairs." "Live in the Village." "I have a really beautiful apartment." "I was splitting up with my wife, my first wife, you know, and, uh..." " I have a question." ""Wife"... "wife" threw me there." " Yeah, I'm still legally married to a beautiful Frenchwoman." "I haven't had flour or sugar in 13 years." "Oh, my God." "I love this dog." "You know, I've had a dry spell." "I look in the mirror every day." "I'm a liar." "Not everything I've told you is true, no." " The wife part?" "Do you have any other hit songs?" " ♪ I'm saying ♪" "♪ Deet-deet-n-deet" "♪ Come on, dance with me" "♪ Come on, put your cell phone down ♪" " [exhales deeply] - [laughs]" "Can I give you a little of "I Like to Blow My Horn"?" " Yeah." " Okay." "♪ Doot-doot-n-doot You can help me." "You could be the... ♪ Boom-boom-m-boom-boom" " Okay, just tell me when to do that." " All now." " ♪ Boom-boom-m-boom-boom" " ♪ I like to blow my horn" "♪ I like to blow my horn ♪" "♪ I been blowing my horn" "♪ Since the day I was born" " Wife?" "All right, Paul, you're a proven triple threat." "You can sing, you can dance, and I'm sure a third thing." "But the time for playing nice is over." "I need you to release a dis track for Trump." " I like the sound of that." " And what better place to debut it than one of his peaceful, well-informed, diverse rallies?" " Are you sure it's safe?" " I'll be right next to you the whole time, trying to blend in." "Besides, nobody pays attention to the lyrics as long as the song is catchy enough." "Just ask Desiigner." ""Panda, panda, panda."" "all:" "Yeah!" "all:" "Yeah!" "all:" "Yeah!" " Why is his voice so high?" "Is he a British lady?" "[cheers and applause]" " I think this guy supports Hillary Clinton." "Get him!" " ♪ Hillary in the house" "♪ Hillary in the White House" "Aah!" "♪ Hillary in the house" " No one who watches this show should have the right to vote." "We'll be right back, but first, this why you never hear the expression" ""like a kangaroo in the headlights."" "[indistinct speech on radio]" "[banging]" " [bleep]!" "[bleep] kangaroo!" " If you don't like my music, then you a bitch." "♪ Damn, baby" "♪ Damn, baby, damn" "♪ Damn, damn, baby" "♪ Y'all gotta know ♪" "♪ All these broads" "♪ All on the pole" "♪ All day long" "♪ Shake it, shake it" "♪ Shake it, baby" "♪ Get butt naked, baby" "♪ You know you drive me crazy" " So that's "Hamilton."" "Looks stupid to me." "That's a Broadway joke about a very popular hip-hop musical based on Alexander Hamilton." "[scoffs]" "The only person who should be allowed to make funny raps about dead people is Weird Al." "Musicals suck, but they can be a good way to learn stuff without having to read." "Everything I know about Mormons, I learned from "Les Mis."" "Or was it "Book of Mormon"?" "Both quality shows." "The point is I created a musical that will entertain the entire family for generations to come and teach them about geopolitical affairs." "It's "ISIS on Ice"!" "From Daniel Tosh, producer of" ""House Hunters:" "The Musical"" "and "He-Man:" "The Musical"" "comes "ISIS on Ice"!" "[men singing] [dramatic music]" "♪" "And starring Daniel Tosh." "♪" "Reviews are mixed." ""The New York Times" callsit"heavy-handed."" ""Offensive!" says the "Village Voice."" "And "a welcome relief from Hollywood's blatant pussy agenda,"" "says "Men's Fitness."" "♪" "Come see "ISIS on Ice."" "Not gonna lie; ticket sales have been slow." " I hope "jihad" a good time!" "ISIS is known for having a good sense of humor, right?" "Please don't kill me." "Now, here's this week's Viewer Video." "Thought-provoking." "That was nice of Tom Hanks to finally come on the show." "We'll be right back with more of "The Long, Hot Kiss."" " Welcome back to the only TV show that exceeded its free Dropbox storage limit years ago, but refuses to upgrade to a Pro membership." "Next week, this sexy pimple-popper squeezes me in for an appointment." " I'm Dr. Sandra Lee, also known as Dr. Pimple Popper." " Make sure you eat dinner well before the show starts next week, if at all." "Now, as you know, I'm a 40ish-year-old man who's still very active on Twitter, so follow me on it." "Be sure to check out the number one blog about "Tosh.0,"" "8 years and counting." "And finally, it's the end of the school year, and that means yearbook time." "I wasn't nearly as popular in high school as I am today." "That's why I asked my Twitter followers to tell me what they would write in my yearbook if this were nine years ago and I was a graduating senior with honors." ""Cdaddy" writes..." "Ha!" "Classic yearbook message." "You have a bright future in bathroom-stall graffiti." ""Bobby" writes..." "That might be the most challenging sentence" "I have ever read." "What's wrong with cheese?" "Everybody loves cheese." "KATS stands for "kick ass this summer,"" "not "kidnap a tiny seahorse."" "Because I was cool under pressure, and I won all those championships." "Naw, I'm kidding." "I let 'em play with my B-hole." "It's not about being cool." "It's about being accepted." "I'm alive and kickin'." "Too bad, dickweed." "Congrats on being named" ""Most likely to troll a celebrity on Twitter with an old joke."" "My mom paid $40 for that yearbook." "She's gonna be pissed when she sees all the terrible things you guys wrote." "All right, before we go, Marty, tell tonight's studio audience what they're going home with." "[deep voice] A gallon of Dunn Edwards interior yellow paint." "Turn your home into a tropical oasis." "Thanks, Marty." "Good night!" " When do you think..." "the last time" "Bill has had sex with Hillary?" " That's really tough." "Um..." "Give me a second." "Do I have a second?" " You have as much time as you want." " Well..." " It's just a made-up question."