"Previously on jPod..." "Together we can take BoardX to the top!" "Just need a bit more enchantment, more magic." "What we need is a turtle." "Meet... "The Dude"." "I named it after Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski." "And not for sale." "Join us, please." " Carol." " Carol." " What are you doing here?" " Well, honey, i need a little help." "Yes Ethan, i know it's horrible!" "I killed a man in that basement!" "Ethan." "I'm in love!" "Dad, now is not a good time to chew the fat." "Mom's here." " You look good for somebody who..." " lost 150 pounds?" "You did not tell me you had roommates." "Who are these people, they look like refugees." "I think they are." "My brother did this." "My older brother Greg, is probably hunting for cougars." "Cougars?" "He only dates women over 40." "I'll be right back, okay." "But what do I do about them?" "Right, they must be starving." "Would you mind feeding them?" "There is food in the kitchen." " Yeah, yeah okay." " Thank you." "I'm sorry about this." "Hello!" "You... must... be... hungry!" "Okay." "Wow!" "It's okay." "It's okay." "Food." "Okay..." "Okay, how do i explain microwavable pizza buns?" "Greg?" "Hey!" "Well, hello there little brother." "You decided to check out cougar night?" "No, i'm a little preoccupied by the refugees in my apartment." "You're trafficking humans now?" "!" "Don't be so 20th century Ethan." "They're just people in search of a better life." "They're only going to be there for two days, a week tops." "A week?" "Get those people out of my place now." "Technically, it's my place, and I say they stay." "I had a friend over and now she's stuck baby-sitting refugees!" "She?" "Wow Ethan, do I smell a date?" "Your entiere building is own by offshore chinese industrialists who are never there." "If you don't get those people out of there, I will." "I wouldn't do that." "You don't want the wrath of Kam Fong." "Who's Kam Fung?" "Seriously?" "If you have to ask, you don't want to know." "Just leave the refugees where they are, trust me." "It will be better for everyone involved." "Yeah, everyone but 20 starving people in my living room." "And me." "Buddy!" "Wait." "Hey!" "That's my "Legends of Chang" hoodie!" "That's okay, bro." "Not my sneakers!" "No, no, no, no." "Ethan, these poor people spent who knows how long in some shipping container..." "wallowing in their own feces." "This is the first kindness they've seen in months." "They can have my food, they can have all my clothes." "Just, not my sneakers." "So it's sneakers then people then clothes then food?" "These shoes have emotional value to me." "I feel sorry for you." "Kaitlin." "jPod "A Fine Bro-mance" Episode 2" "Correction:" "Nicolas Thank you!" "Damn it Storch," "The role of Hermann Goering requires precision ballroom dancing!" "The part shoots in two days and all you've sent me are teenage hip hoppers!" "This is "Hitler's kitten", not "Electric boogaloo"!" "I need an expert waltzer in his 50s!" "Why?" "Because i demand realism!" "That's why!" "If I wanted Sir Ben Kingsley, I would ask for Sir Ben Kingsley!" "I told you, the part needs an unknown, someone with real breakout potential." "Hey!" " I'm Jim Jarlewski." " Hi." "May I say, wonderful job of direction on this movie." "Sorry, I can't talk to extras." "It's union rules." " What are you doing?" " Waltzing, sir." "I was born to play Hermann Goering." "I am Hermann Goering!" "Go Germany!" "Beat Israël!" "Thanks but err..." "Israël wasn't a country during the war" "Oh come on!" "Let me audition for the part." "Sure, why not?" "Tomorrow morning." "Very nice Cowboy but I doubt Steve will appreciate the sentiment." "How about this?" "Better." "Nice." "Hey guys, what's up?" "Nothing that you'd care about." "Hey!" "Here comes Steve." "Quick!" "Simulate productivity." " Turtle update!" " Absolutely, sir." "Cowboy?" "Busy day, lots of work to do today." "Violent but restrained." "Ethan, I said..." "I said less gore." "We took out all the blood." "Yeah, Ethan, I know what gore is when I... when I..." "What...what is that smell?" "Is that you?" "That's yesterday's clothes, dude." "Did you get lucky?" "People in hi-tech don't appreciate those kinds of odors." "Sorry, sir." "All my clothes were donated to charity." "Charity?" "It's when you do something for other people without the expectation of a reward in return." "Thank you Kaitlin." " I'll try and fix it, sir." " Good." "Don't force me to draw up one of my hygiene memos." "And clean that up!" "Now podsters, I have a job and only the best and the brightest need apply." "Gwynneth Lockerbie, she's the new VP of our London office Neotronic UK." "She's in town for a strategy meeting, and I need someone to give her a tour." "I can't do it, Steve." "I got to get the turtle into the game." "Gotta help Cowboy." "Bree!" " What about them?" " I will do it." "Let strawberry shortcake do it." "I need someone who's really able to give a good impression, and that would be someone who at least graduated high school and doesn't stink." "Hands up everyone here who worked at Apple." "I'm a motion capture expert, not a corporate fart catcher." "Cowboy?" "Aren't employee reviews up this month?" "Why?" "Yes, Steve, they are." "I knew I could count on you." "Okay podsters!" "Steve wants a lackey?" "He'll get a lackey." "Guys, can you rework the gore for me?" "I've got to run an errand." "Hungry?" "This isn't for me." "I have 20 starving humans to feed." "Your altruism is a little late if you're just trying to impress me." "I'm not doing this to impress you." "I'm doing this to help them." "Penicillin sandwiches and expired yogurt?" "I'm trying here, Kaitlin." "My lunch." "Fresh vegetables and nonfat dip." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find myself a night school." "Mrs. Lockerbie?" "I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting." "Steve failed to tell me you'd be waiting for me at reception." "Colonists." "You're one of the Queen's subjects?" "Yes." "Hong Kong." "Rule Britannia." "God save the Queen." "Yes." "Shall we?" "Perfect." "Not a crease on this jacket." "You see what I mean?" "They're really hard workers." "There's a reason everything's made over there." "Yeah, fast and cheap." "You turned my place into a sweatshop?" "It's not your place, it's mine." "And i let you live here." "Rice krispie square?" "You made them rice krispie squares?" "I thought they might be homesick for rice." "Ixnay on the udgmentaljay." "Our guests here are simply melting away the hours by contributing to society." "And doing a damn fine job altering my old dance costumes." "Oh oh, look." "Gotta go, Jim." " Bye-bye, darling." " Bye, mom." "Greg's trafficking in humans." "This doesn't bother you?" "Ethan, you're a grown man." "Don't be a narc." "No one likes a narc." "Narc!" "They let you get away with everything." "Well, maybe if someone finished med school, he wouldn't be the family shame." "He's says that's his lamp." "I bought that on sale at pottery plantation." "I mean, he actually made it in his factory south of Beijing." "That's it." "Stop, stop, stop." "People, stop." "You don't have to do this!" "Okay?" "Be free!" "He's not your boss!" "Boss, boss, boss!" "No, no, no, no!" "Relax, I'm not the bad guy!" "Nice one Ethan." "Now you've gone and scared them." "And that is our Neotronic Arts." "Well, all in all, I must say that while this is a state of the art facility," "I am very underwhelmed by its employees." " Yes." " Except one." "You're obviously a self-starter with a good head on your shoulders, fine schooling and... good breeding." "You're the best of both worlds new world training and old world values." "How would you like to be my assistant at Neotronic UK?" "Quite." "In Euclidean plane geometry, pi is defined as the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter." "Who knows the number for pi?" "Yes?" "3.1415." "To the fourth point." "Impressive!" "Yeah, 92653589793... 2." "Carol Jarlewski." "You of all people need to lock your door." "Dwight." "Excuse me for trusting humanity." "Some major devil weed you got here." "Nice scale." "Digital mass crafter: model 4500?" "I bought it at a police auction." "Is it doing metric/standard conversion?" "You're thinking of the aluminum-frame mass crafter 6600." "What are you doing here, Dwight?" "I want this bagged up, ready to go." " I'm only selling you this one batch." " How soon?" "Next week." "Tomorrow night." "Dwight!" "Each bag has to be precisely measured to one ounce, then I like to tie them with a silk knot nylon ribbon, sachet style, then i need to..." " Yeah, yeah." "My biker buddies don't give a crap as long as it weighs out." "Tomorrow night." "Delivered to this address." "Don't bring any friends." "I am a confident industry professional." "I'll have it ready." "Yes mother, I am doing my best to make use of the private education you worked so hard to give me." "No, dad, I will not disgrace the family name." "Fine." "I hate it when they both get on speakerphone." "You guys are so lucky you don't have chinese parents." "Still better than a militant feminist and some defrosted sperm." "Pressure to succeed, Bree?" "Steamroller that never stops." "Give me one." "Kaitlin, don't take it so hard." "So steve is ruining our game with his turtle characters." "We can still have some fun." "It's not the stupid turtle." "I had my first night school class last night, and you should have seen them all." "No!" "Every girl looked like a supermodel." "Really?" "If I want my high school equivalency, I have to go back there tonight." " I just don't think I can do it." " Well..." "Do you want some moral support?" " You'd do that for me?" " Yes." "Well, in a room full of hot girls, all guaranteed to be over 18?" "I am in like flynn." "Yes !" "Work that catwalk, baby!" "You're wearing the refugees' clothing?" "It's my new politically correct look." "Every item I'm wearing was once worn by a refugee, smuggled here in a freight container." "Which is perfect for the factory or the lychee martini party in the rice paddy." "Take that, versace." "Snack time." "Nice outfit!" "Refugee chic." "Kaitlin gave away all my clothes." "Yes, well, you could be looking at the next assistant to the vice president of Neotronic UK." "But if Bree takes that job, she won't be a podster anymore." "Nice catch, John Doe." "We could say "we knew her when."" "Greg?" "What?" "I just got to work." "I'll be right there." "Okay, well, let's start with the dancing..." "Jim." "Err, now let's hear... try the dialogue." "Yeah?" "Hey!" "Mein fuhrer." "Yeah?" "No, no, we cannot find your kitten." "Hermann Goering." "Head of the Luftwaffe." "The nazi party elite." "Yeah." "No, you're... he was, yes." "Good point." "All right, a little nervous." "That's fine." "How many stormtroopers?" "But Mein fuhrer, they are needed at the front." "No, I will see to it personally." "That kitten will be the death and the downfall of the nazi party." "Okay, Jim." "Well, nice dancing." "Hey!" "Who turned my place into the imperial palace?" "Look, I'll get right back to you." "Oh, thank god." "All of this furniture is a gift to you from Kam Fong for taking care of his refugees, which begs the question:" "Where are his refugees?" "Didn't he take them?" "They're gone?" "Oh god, Ethan." "Kam Fong trusted you and this is how you repay him?" "I never asked to look after them." "You know the only thing worse than losing Kam Fong's refugees is refusing his gift." " He's going to kill you." " Me?" "You dumped them on me." "To help you but there you go and shirk a perfect chance to join the real world as a normal person with adult furniture." "I don't need your help, Greg." "I am going to call this Kam Fong." "Kam Fong!" "I beep, you talk!" "Hi." "This is Greg's brother, Ethan." "Thank you for the furniture but, well, I'm still in my Ikea stage of life." "I didn't ask for any of this, I don't need it and I don't want it." "Hi." "I'm Ethan." "I shop at Ikea." "I paid 30 bucks for my whole dining suite and it only took me three days to assemble." "Kam Fong!" "Yeah, no, I know." "I told him that." "Yeah, well, it's his life." "Well, sure, yeah, there's no time like the present." "Yeah, I'll make sure he knows you're coming." "Okay." "Okay, bye." "Is he coming for the furniture or the refugees?" "Or... you." "He hasn't decided yet." " Later." " Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Is he pissed off?" "You can't abandon me with this nutcase." "You said no interference." "By the way, don't try to leave." "That'll just make him angry...er." "The ladies love the bubbly." "Cross your fingers for a threesome." "Mom?" "Sorry to bother you, dear." "I can't find the small pliers." "I don't know." "Greg probably took them to take apart some open house signs." "Listen mom, this is a bad time." "What was that noise?" "Oh!" "It's our friends from the east." "They're helping me package my new crop." "They are so nice." "I can't believe you stole my refugees!" " Mom, I need them back." " Just as soon as they're finished." "No, I need them back now." "Mom, this is a matter of life or death." "Oh Ethan, stop being so melodramatic." "Gotta go." "I'm almost out of green tea." "Sayonara!" "No mom, wait." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Jim?" "Why are you wearing that ballroom outfit?" "You've already had your audition." "I'll be back in just a few hours." "Oh Jim..." "So you didn't get the speaking part." "I am begging you, don't let that drag you into that world again!" "Carol, I have fought this as long as I could." "This thing is..." "It's bigger than me." "I gotta go." "Jim" "Carry on." "Jim!" "You promised!" "You said you'd never waltz again!" "Hello?" "Carol!" "Steven." "Cripes!" " What are you doing here?" " I was just checking your tire pressure." "Did you know being short one pound per square inch could cost you over $100 in gasoline a year?" "Very thoughtful." "I'm just sorry you had to... witness that kerfuffle with my husband." "Let me hold you." "Let me hold you." "What is that?" "I could have sworn I caught a whiff of potpourri." "Um, I make bags of it for the hospital auxiliary gift shop." " Oh." "I'll have to buy myself a satchel." " No, no, no." " Really, Steven" " No, no." "I insist, I insist." " How much?" " 120." "It's... indoor, homegrown, high-grade... potpourri." "I need to make a delivery tonight, actually, so I should leave." "Perhaps you'd like a little company." "Could be dangerous." "Oh, Steven." "I want you to see my son tonight." "Ethan?" "No, um..." "Greg." "My older son." "He knows lots of lovely women and since you're in the market, he could sell you a townhouse." "Got it." "Meet the family." "Is it a jumbo chinese shrimp chip?" "Maybe it fell off the space shuttle." "What is it?" "What is that?" "It's my shoulder pad." "I was looking for that." "Thanks." "Bree, stop." "Look at you." "Shoulder pads?" "This... this isn't you." "Well, that's really easy for you to say, John Doe." "My brothers have penises, so everything they touch is wonderful." "But I had to be born a girl." "I have to work twice as hard to get even a fraction of the praise from my folks, and for once in my entire penisless life," "they're proud of me." "I kind of like it." "Hello." "You must be Ethan." "Kam Fong." "Nice to meet you." "Don't worry about your refugees." "They're safe." "You are Greg's brother." "Yeah, since the day I was born." "I see that you are an amusing fellow." "You also enjoy Ikea products." "Yeah, well, I mean, they're... affordable yet stylish." "Heaven help you if you lose that allen key." "Enough!" "Does this hand-carved... rosewood living-room set with... silk cushions and marble accents somehow... displease you?" "And look, what do we have here?" "It's an expensive ceramic replica of a Tang dynasty dragon." "Dozens of young children sacrificed an elementary education to work in factories so that you could enjoy the beauty and magnificence of my ancient culture, and yet it leaves you... cold." "Now we shall go for a drive." "A drive?" "Your clothing brings shame on your family." "Rags." "Come!" "Now, here's a coal harbour two bedroom." "It's 580 square feet that shows like 3,000, and it's got a killer view." "You know, Greg, your mom, she's quite the special lady." "She really is." "Do you know if she appreciates the outdoors at all, you know, camping?" "You know, Steve, cougar night is not the place to keep yammering on about my mother." "Well, you'll forgive me Greg but I don't think you appreciate your mother." "You know she's out there right now, in the middle of the night making deliveries while your father's ballroom dancing?" "Dad started dancing again?" "See, that's what I'm talking about." "That's what I'm talking about." "Your mother is out there right now, god knows where, with a truckload of... gourmet potpourri and all you're worried about is your father." "Trust me, Steve, my mom can take care of herself and that's not potpourri, it's pot." "What?" "Pot." "So..." "I hear you specialize in gore." "Yes, sir, that's my area of expertise." "Tell me, in your opinion, what's the best way to torture somebody?" "Well... depends on whether you need to extract information from the victim or..." "Yes?" "Or you're simply torturing them for torture's sake." "Torture for torture's sake, definitely." "I'd avoid things like forced exercise or sleep deprivation." "Those are designed to wear down the victim's defenses." "Focus more on pain:" "dental extraction, burning, freezing." " Why can't I stop talking about this?" " What about electricity?" "Too old school?" "Yes and no." "The germans perfected electrical torture in the 70s." "There's nothing new left to invent now." "Sort of like coffee makers or cigarette lighters." "Only those were perfected in China." "Are we...err driving anywhere in particular?" "Just a pleasure cruise." ""Dad is dancing"" "What's this a code for?" "Great, my dad's waltzing again." "And that's a problem?" "In our family?" "Yeah." "Jarlewski." "Is your father Jim Jarlewski?" "Bree?" "Why did you not tell me?" "Tell you what?" "That you're in the posh1000." "That you're in line to the throne." "I beg your pardon?" "Oh, come now Bree." "Don't play coy." "Bree knows." "The posh1000 is an on-line, real-time, ever-adapting list of who's in line to the british throne." "Someone dies or has a baby and the list refreshes instantly." "I myself am deep in the four digits but you... you are a mid three" "462!" "Yes..." "Well... one mustn't brag about one's status, must one?" "I should say not." "But one can't ask you to be one's assistant." "What?" "One humbly begs you to allow one... to be yours." "Excuse me." "I'll be right back." "John Doe!" "Did you hack into the posh1000 website and forge me a royal lineage?" "I was just trying to help." "Can one get you anything, mum?" "No, thank you." "All right ladies, you want my real advice?" "Back off." "You don't want a piece of me." "I'm trouble with a capital "T"" "and that rhymes with "G" and that stands for "Goering" !" "Now blow!" "He's right over there." "Ethan!" "Dad." "Mr. Jarlewski?" "An honor." "Who the hell are you?" "This is Kam Fong, dad." "This is Greg's friend." "The... human trafficker." "Please be nice to him." "You're interfering with my drinking." "I got satellite TV just to watch you in the Tanzspiele." "You're a ballroomer?" "Nothing compared to you." "When you coupled the Grotovski twirl with the nickel room snap and then capped it with the olivia dip..." "Magic!" "Pure magic!" "You finally found a smart friend, Ethan." "Oh yeah." "We're definitely buds, aren't we, Kam?" " Dad, why not show him some moves?" " No..." "Ethan, it would mean everything." "Dad, please." "My life depends on this." "You are one melodramatic pain in the ass, Ethan." "Okay." "All right." "Are you Fong or are you Kam?" "Which one are you?" "What do I call you?" "Kam Fong." "May I lead?" "I'd have it no other way." "Oh my god!" "It's like... the paradise warriors are promised when they die on the battlefield." "Thank you." "Come." "Ah!" "young Kaitlin." "And a new knowledge receptacle." " Yeah." " Please, please, we're discussing quadratic equations." "That's pretty straightforward." "I have a good way of memorizing it." "Oh!" "Would you mind sharing it with the class?" "Sure." "Um, you sing it along to "pop goes the weasel"." ""X" is equal to negative "b"" "plus or minus the square root of "b" squared minus "4ac"" "all over "2a"." "Jim Jarlewski, this was one of the best nights of my life." "I feel grateful to be alive." "That makes two of us." "I'll tell you, thanks to you Kam Fong" "I feel young blood coursing through my veins again." "Tomorrow belongs to us my friend." "I haven't felt this warm and tingly since I did that... adult diaper commercial." "You're an actor as well?" "My dad is a movie extra." "Dad." "Maybe we should get going." "I've always felt there's an unexplored aspect of my personality." "An actor inside me yearns to escape." "Do you do a german accent?" "Neunundneunzig luftballons!" "I may know of a part for you." "A toast!" " To our new friendship!" " Yay!" "Right on time." "Nice to have prompt service." "Well Dwight, don't expect repeats." "My money please." "Well, you'll get it after I sell this." "You want it?" "You pay for it." "Now." "I can't breathe." "You'll be backing off the lady now!" "I said, get your hands off!" "Hear what I'm saying, punk?" "I know judo." "Yeah, and I know how to pummel your face." "Steven!" "I killed him." "It... it's all right." "It was an accident." "It's not all right, Carol." "Mary jane is a gateway drug." "Look at me!" "I bought my first dope today and I've already killed a man." "Steven!" "Focus!" "What do we do?" "Trust me, moving dead bodies around this city is harder than you'd think." " In there." "Back up the car." " What?" "A little help?" "Okay." "Just a little bit." "You are a brave woman, Carol." "Yeah." "Carol, are you okay?" "How did you sleep?" "I've had better nights." "Oh Carol, all I kept thinking was just that you needed to be held, comforted..." " No, no, it's..." " No, no, Carol." "It's all right." "It's all right, I'm here." "I'm here." "Okay." "I'm here." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Carol, I killed a man." "Listen." "These things happen." "You just have to let it go." "Oh Carol!" "No, Steven." "When Jim lost his job, years ago, we thought everything was over, but we've rebuilt, stronger!" "Like a bone that heals." "Oh Carol." "You always know what to say to make me feel better." "You've got me blushing." "Oh Hello!" "Just right here." "Thank you." "Help me plant shasta daisies." "Together, we'll nurture new life." "Kam?" " How did it go?" " Your director has some news for you." "Don't you, Roland?" "Yeah..." "I err..." "I spoke with the studio and i demanded that err... either you play the role of Hermann Goering without an accent or I'd quit the picture." "Congratulations Jim." "My first speaking role!" "Now get me some gummy bears from craft service." "Yes, Mr. Fong." "Right away." "None for me." "Roland told me if it weren't for the accent, you would have played Goering." "Kam, you're the best friend a nazi ever had." "But no, no, no, nein, nein, nein." "I can't." "It's a deeply... german role, this Goering thing and I just have way too much respect for the art form to allow some director... to tamper with a screenwriter's vision." "I can't I can't do it." "But we can always dance." "I've got a little shuffle thing I call "the huffy puffy"." "Want to see it?" "Join up." "And one, and two, and three, and four, and one, and two, and three." "Gwynneth called me five times last night to make sure I was "content"." "Get my name off that posh1000 website now." "But don't you want to impress your parents?" "Done." "So I'm off?" "Not quite." "I've notified them that you've been impregnated by a frenchman." "Watch." "Yeah." "Merci." "Ethan, I feel badly about giving away all your clothes, so here." "A vintage Defendoid shirt." "You can barely find these on Ebay!" "Thank you!" "You're such a good friend." "Wow, how was your night?" "Hey!" "Steve-o." "Podsters, good morning!" "Ethan, my reptile cortex has got a sweet tooth for some eye candy!" "You're in a good mood today." "That I am, Ethan, that I am." "It's a new day." "A fresh start." "The world's alive." "We're alive!" "A little video game magic is what you need, Steve-O." "Have a seat." "Uh Steve, I'm sorry." "It's a bug." "We'll fix it." "Damn it, Ethan." "What do I have to do to keep up with the creative brilliance of you young people?" "That's, that's..." "I love that." "That is the direction we need to go in." "It's gritty, it is true to life." "Teach these kids that sometimes... life is hard." "I want more gore." "Ethan, more gore." "Does this turtle have a name?" "Err..." "I have a list of potentials." "Dwight." "The turtle's name is Dwight." "Thank you." "You all look different to me, I swear, now that I've seen you all in person up close." "Thank you." "For all your hard work." "Now, don't spend it in one place." "Have a good trip." "Remember to hydrate." "Thank you." "Promise me you'll all come and visit once you get settled in in California." "Honey?" "You're sure they all got their new U.S. Passports?" "Would I flake on my good buddy Kam Fong?" "So clever of them to sew all their own american-looking clothing." "Oh Jim." "Isn't globalization fun?" "It's almost worldwide." "I'm sorry, I got..." "I got so upset about your dancing." "It just... brought back so many bad memories of..." " those days." " Well, it's all different now." "Back then in the old days, I used to dance to numb the pain of that... boring old desk job but now when I dance, it's about life, new friendships, tomorrow." "Greetings, Mr. Social conscience." "Could you at least buzz up next time you visit?" "You'll be happy to know our friends are now on their way to L.A." "And so our continent absorbs another 20 people and another 20 dreams." "Well, they latched on to your dreams." "They made this for you and your girlfriend." "Ah yeah, I think that's for her.... unless there's something you want to tell me." "She err..." "She dumped you already, hein?" "No." "We are just... friends." "Life's a banquet Ethan, and you are... sitting in the corner, chewing on a breadstick." "Thanks for the insight, Greg." "Dude, I'm your big brother." "It's my job." "speaking of which, you ready to get your ass whupped?" "Yeah." "That's one thing you can't beat me at." "Yeah." "Transcript: bosam" "Correction:" "Nicolas Thank you!"