"Look what I found in the backyard, who's the dirty girl ?" " Paige, it's yours ?" " No." " Penny ?" " No." " Mom ?" " No !" "Probably came from sleazy Brad next door." "I bet it belongs to one of his two girlfriends." "Shame on you, Carol, so theyhave a non traditionnal relationship." "Lots of men live with two women, like our neighbor Marty Boundgarden." "He lives with his mother and her respitory technician." "Yes, what goes on there when the lights go out is none of our business." "So, are you going to continue yammering about our neighbors or is anyone going to ask me why I'm in such a good mood ?" "Hey sunchine, why so chipper." "I was named student director of the school play." "We're doing Romeo and Juliet and if I do a good job, our teacher is going to recommend me for a Broadway internship this summer." "Honey, that's fantastic." "I'm so happy for you." "Since you're the director, can I be a part of it ?" "Thanks for asking, No !" "Oh, and my guidance councilor says if I wanna get into college, I need to do some extraterrestrial activity." "Wahoo" "Honey, there must be something she can do." "You've been saying that for 15 years." " Fine, you can do props." " Is that a lot of work ?" "I'm doing a minimalist production, there'll be no props, you'll just seat in the corner and do nothing." "Can I read a book ?" "Oh, you thought I was serious, that's so cute." "Away to heaven, respective lenity, and fire-eyed fury be my conduct now !" "Excellent, Matt." "Love what you're doing." "I'll get him to butch it up." "He'd need to butch it up to play Juliet." "Penny, I'm sorry I'm late." "I was up all night memorizing the play." "Why ?" "You're the prompter." "You just whisper the lines to the actors when they forget them." "The script will be right in front of you." "I need to be prepared for every contingency." "What if the lights go out during the middle of the performance ?" "What if a puma gouges out my eyes ?" "Then what, Penny ?" "Then what ?" " Pearce." " Go ahead." "Test me." "Fine, what's Tybalt's first line in scene three ?" "Pass." "What's Mercutio's first line in act two ?" "Pass." "Pearce, you don't know any of these." "Just give me the one about "to be or not to be."" " That's Hamlet." " Exactly." "We're doing Romeo and Juliet." "Damn it." "Hey, great audition, Carrie." "It felt really good." "I think I've got a shot at Lady Capulet." "Thanks for being here." "Hey, that's what a boyfriend does for his girlfriend." "Paige..." "I need to talk to you." "I'm working." "Listen, me and Carrie have been out like six times and she won't even kiss me on the lips." " What am I going to do ?" " I would change that shirt." "What, you think that'll help ?" "I don't know, but I've always hated it." "I really think Matt's our Romeo." "I gave him an adjustment." "If by adjustment, you mean you got his testicles to drop, then great." "Otherwise, let's move on." "He was the best one." "We don't have anyone else." "Hi, I'm Patton Chase." "I'll be auditioning for Romeo." "Excuse me, miss Hentschel." "What the hell are you doing here ?" "Whoa." "I love the theater just as much as the next guy." "Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow...." "Well, maybe not as much as him but listen, I've got the hots for Suzanne Herman." "And she always gets the lead." "If I become Romeo, and she's Juliet, I get to make out with her." "Only one problem." "Juliet's not supposed to kill herself until the end of the play." "Miss Hentschel, can anyone audition ?" "The school play is open to all students." "I'm sorry, miss Hentschel, but I can't read with him." "Then I'll do it." "I'll just dust off my Juliet, which they're still talking about at the turtle lane playhouse." "If you want to see some real theater, go to Casper, Wyoming." "Are you ready, my..." "little fellow ?" "My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss." "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch." "Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too ?" "Ay, pilgrim..." "lips that they must use in prayer." "O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do." "What do they do ?" "I mean... my, that was riveting." "You have a raw heat." " You're like a young brando." " Yes, I am." "Thou likey ?" "Yes, I do." "Penny." "May I have a word with you sotto voce ?" "Wow, I got to tell you, man, I'm impressed." "I didn't know you could act." "Everybody gather around." "We're going to announce the key roles." "Playing the part of romeo, I can't believe I'm saying this..." "Patton chase." " Yes !" " I'm sorry, Matt." "It's okay." "I hope you all die." "And playing the part of Juliet, Carrie Friedman." "Oh, my god !" "I don't know about that choice." "I mean, I always pictured Romeo being with more of a redhead with a belly ring." "Oh, there's one." "Romeo seems to have doubts." "Well, the most important thing is for our leads to have chemistry." "Juliet, come hither." "Juliet..." "Romeo." "Act one, scene five." "Let's see if there's any magic." "Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged." "Then have my lips the sin that they have took." " Well, Romeo ?" " I'm good." " Hello, Brad." "Ladies." " Hey, Bob." "Hey, Bob." "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." "No, we were just celebrating." "It's a big day." "Amy performed her first retinal transplant, and Lynn got appointed to the bench." "Well, lucky bench." "Anyway, um, I found these in my backyard, and I thought maybe they belonged to one of you guys." "Those aren't mine." "They're a little too grandmotherly for me." "And I don't wear underwear." "Oh, I know whose those are." "Our friend Gary and his wife were over for dinner last saturday." "And, as usual, we wound up in a hot tub and somehow his wife's panties ended up on your property." "You know how it is." "We should have dinner over here sometime." "Okay." "Then we could get in the hot tub, because like you said, you always do it." " All right, pick a night." " How about tonight ?" "It's like 10:45." "We already ate." "How about saturday ?" " Great." "We'll see you at 4:00." " Bob, we don't eat until 8:00." "Oh, you're right." "I forgot about the dinner part." "O trespass sweetly urged." "Give me my sin again." "Okay, let's move on." "Hey, Parker, I've missed you." "I haven't seen you all day." "Hey, um, listen, I thought we could get a bite after rehearsal." "Oh, sorry." "I can't." "I'm going to be rehearsing with Patton tonight." "He's so inventive." "Today he improved this thing where he nibbles on my ear." "It just works." "Listen, Parker, I know this must be weird for you, me kissing your girlfriend and all." "Wh-what ?" "No, no, no." "I'm totally cool with this." "You are ?" "Yeah, I mean, this is obviously about the acting." "I mean look at me, and look at you." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "I mean, there's no comparison." "You're tall and blonde." "I'm short and frenching your girlfriend." "Let's start from the scene where Mercutio, Matt, duels with Tybalt, crazy Pete." "And begin." "Will you pluck your sword out of his pitcher by the ears ?" "I am for you." "It says draw your swords." "How are we supposed to fight ?" "You don't need swords." "The emotion is in the script." "Use that." "Use the script ?" "Okay." "This whole minimalist thing isn't working." "Actually, Penny, I have a really cool idea that might help here." "Pearce, I'm doing a minimalist production:" "No props, no costumes, no unwelcome suggestions." "Penny, what happened to you ?" "You were so much fun in mom's uterus." "I was going to bring you all donuts." "Then I remembered I make $26,000 a year." "How's it going, thespians ?" "Great." "I think you're going to love what I'm doing." "It's really cool." "Where's the scenery ?" "Where are the props ?" "Oh, my, don't tell me you're doing a minimalist production." "Minimalist ?" "Please." "I'm doing the opposite of minimalist." " Which is what ?" " Well, in my version, uh..." " Romeo is a superhero." " Romeo is a superhero." "I'm listening." " And he flies." " And he flies." "Romeo flies." "And that's how he gets up to the balcony ?" "No, he levitates using his cerebral-powered mind duel." " Yes, he flies." " Go on." " And Juliet would be..." " An archvillain." " An archvillain." " I love it." "You have passion." "That's what good theater is all about:" "Passion, commitment, dedication." "Thank god I'm done for the day." "Bob, I just made reservations for the two of us saturday night at finique." "What ?" "Well, cancel them." "We got plans with the neighbors saturday night." "What plans with which neighbors ?" "Oh, I didn't tell you ?" "Uh..." "Brad cornered me and he wouldn't let up until I agreed for us to go over there for dinner." "Three-way Brad with the two gorgeous girlfriends cornered you to have dinner with him ?" "Yeah." "I think the poor guy's reaching out for a friend." "It-it's sad, really." "Bob, if you have any chance of this happening, you better just tell me the truth." "All right, the truth is..." "I'm curious about their arrangement, so I, I got us invited over there for dinner saturday." "Thank you." "I appreciate your honesty, and I'd be happy to go." "And after dinner, we're all getting naked and going in the hot tub." "What ?" "!" "What should we bring ?" "I'm thinking cupcakes." "Bob, forget it." "I'm not going to get naked in a hot tub with our neighbors to fulfill some adolescent fantasy of yours." "It's not an adolescent fantasy." "It's a midlife crisis fantasy." "Well, have your mid-life crisis by yourself." "Oh." "Oh, you're having one, too." "You just don't realize it." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Oh, really ?" "What time did you make those dinner reservations for ?" " 6:00." " Why ?" " So I could be home by 8:30." " To do what ?" "To pumice my heels and finish my book." "Oh, my god, what's happened to me ?" "Carol, we're at a crossroads." "On one side we got the Baumgartens with their live-in nurse and their oxygen tent, and on the other side we got Brad with his two hot girlfriends and their bubbling fountain of youth." "Which way are we heading, Carol ?" "Towards life ?" "Or towards death ?" "I choose life, Bob." "I want to live !" "So do I !" " I'm going to go shave my legs." " I'm going to go shave my back." "Hey, guys and, scene." "I need a drink." "I seem to be low on saliva." "Hey, Parker." "Oh, are those for me ?" "Well, you know, it is our tenth date, so I thought I'd get you something special." "You're so sweet." "This gum is yours." "Sorry, I got some water on it." "Thanks." "I'll go get my jacket." "Patton, if you're trying to make me jealous, it's not going to work." "Remember, I'm the one who's taking her out." "Oh, no, no." "I know, and I love this arrangement." "I get the part that sucks face, and you just get the part that sucks." "All right, let's take it from the part where Tybalt has just been exposed to gamma rays, he's turned green, and he and super-chromeo duel with their radioactive cleavers... and somebody please kill me." "Take five." "Penny, I've got an awesome idea for the balcony scene." "Now, we may need to rent an octopus." "Pearce, I can't take it anymore." "I'm directing a play that has nothing to do with the one I set out to do." "This is your vision, not mine." "It's like I'm a complete..." " Phony." " Stop it !" "Greetings, drama queens and kings." "Miss Hentschel, I need to talk to you." "Penny, good news." "I was talking to my friend on the committee about you." "They love what you're doing." "I think you're a shoo-in for this internship." " Really ?" " I'm so excited for you, Penny." "This internship will be your ticket out of nutley." "I'm sure there are other tickets out of nutley." "Oh, please." "This place is a black hole." "Not even light can escape." "Now, what did you want to tell me ?" "That, uh... the ending's really coming together." "Huzzah !" "So, what's it like when all your parents get together ?" "That must make an interesting thanksgiving dinner." "Actually, they get along very well." "I hooked their mothers up with my dad, and they share a one-bedroom condo in Boca." " Really ?" " Nah, I'm just busting your chops." "Oh, let me help you with that." "Don't be silly." "You're our guests." "They're more than guests." "They're neighbors." "She winked." "Was that a hot tub wink ?" "Should we be getting out of our clothes ?" "How should I know ?" "I don't know naked hot tub etiquette." "Well, maybe we should drop some hints or something." "Okay, but let me do it." "You'll look too eager, and you'll scare them off." " Scare what off ?" " The crows." "They took my artichoke." "Caw !" "Caw !" "So, what do you say we all get in the hot tub ?" "I could go for an after-dinner soak; how about you girls ?" " Sure." " Sounds great." "Let's get out of these clothes." "We'll be right back." "Take your time." "We're in no rush." "What's keeping them ?" "Uh-oh, I forgot to take off my shoes." "This is so exciting." "Thank you, Bob, for bringing me back from the dead." "Hey, here we go." "We brought you guys out some..." "What's going on ?" "Are you guys naked in there ?" " What kind of people are you ?" " It was his idea !" "He made me do it !" "He said I was going to die !" "You guys were naked in here the other night." "We also shower together." "That doesn't mean we do it with the neighbors." "You know, the funny thing is we actually had bathing suits when we got in, but... but what, Bob ?" "The crows got 'em." "Caw !" "Caw !" "Caw ?" "What are you doing back here ?" "I just wanted to wish Carrie good luck." "Parker, I am really impressed, man." "You know, most guys couldn't handle their brother getting freaky with their girlfriend while they're only getting to..." "Hey, what base comes before first ?" "Patton, ah, I told you, man, I'm secure." "Besides, you've had your fun, and tonight it ends." "Actually, I'm suggesting to miss Hentschel that we do the play for all the grade schools in the area." "There's 52 of them." "Oh, and the hospitals." "It's time to give something back." "That's it." "I've had enough of you, you horny little worm." " You kiss her one more time, and..." " And what ?" "And you'll get a taste of this." "Titanium exoskeleton." "Gots to love it." "Ooh, that's my cue." "Hey, crazy Pete." "Your fight scene with Patton has just been moved up to just before the kiss." "Oh, and by the way, he said you fight like a girl." "He said that ?" "!" "Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged." "What the hell ?" "!" "What the hell is going on ?" "!" "Help." "He's trying to kill me !" "Meet me up on the balcony to seal our love with a tender kiss." "You're ready ?" "Time for super Chromeo to fly !" "Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged." "What the... ?" "This is a disaster." "There's no way I'm going to get that internship." "So, now I'm a sellout and a failure." " I have an idea." " I've had enough of your ideas." "That's how I got into this mess." "What is it ?" "If you're going down anyways, you might as well go down your way." " You got nothing else to lose." " You're right." "Close the curtain." "Okay, everybody listen up." "Lose the props, lose the helmets." "We're going minimalist." "And somebody get Patton down." "Can't." "Parker jammed the winch." "Now I just need a Romeo." "Matt." "Too little too late." "O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do." "They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair." "Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake." "Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take." "Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged." "Then have my lips the sin that they have took." "Sin from thy lips ?" "O trespass sweetly urged !" "Give me my sin again." "There's two girls kissing up there." "Look closer, Bob." "Penny, you were brilliant !" "That was gender-bending, cutting-edge stuff, even by broadway standards." "One day, I'll be coming to you for a job." "So, you're going to recommend me for the internship ?" "Actually, I was fired ten minutes ago." "They've already locked me out of my office." "So, do you need any handiwork done around the house ?" "Hey, you stay away from Carrie !" " What ?" " I've had it !" "Patton kisses my girlfriend, you kiss my girlfriend, I get nothing." "I want to be kissed !" "Somebody kiss me !" "I'm on it." "Here's your gum back." "Sous-titres :" "Van' Transcript :" "Raceman"