"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "Hi, Ma." "Boy, am I steamed!" "They took Pat Sajak off Wheel of Fortune." "Well, that's because he has his own late-night talk show now." "Oh, yeah, right." "The man spins a big wooden wheel for eight years, suddenly he's discussing détente with Henry Kissinger." "What else happened lately?" "Mike Tyson hosting Masterpiece Theatre?" "Ma, why are you so cranky today?" "I'm not cranky." "I'm gassy." "I had one of those Weight Watchers broccoli au gratins for lunch." "Boy, that stuff's murder." "I'm surprised Lynn Redgrave has a friend in the world." "Hi, Rose." "Hey, how was football practice?" "Terrible." "It's the laziest team I've ever seen in my life." "They didn't bust their tackles, didn't crack their blocks." "They played like a bunch of babies." "Coach, you dropped your whistle." "Oh." "Thanks, Billy, that was very nice of you." "Now you two boys run along home." "OK." "Bye." "Billy?" "Yes?" "I said run!" "Move it, you little pantywaist!" "On the double!" "Rose!" "Rose, take it easy." "You're pushing them too hard." "Honey, they're only kids." "You're right." "I've just been under so much pressure." "I never would have volunteered if I'd known the work that was involved." "I need help." "Mostly with your lipstick." "Emmett Kelly applied makeup with more finesse." "Boy, she's really cranky." "And you don't want to know why." "Dorothy, I just had a great idea." "Why don't you become my assistant?" "Oh, Rose, forget it." "Forget it." "I don't want to get involved in sports with you." "No, Rose, you're too competitive." "You just take all the fun out of it." "Not anymore, Dorothy, really." "Believe me, all I care about is that these kids have a really good time." "Well, all right." "I mean, if you really mean it, you can count me in." "Oh, great." "Oh, with your help, Dorothy, we'll kick their butts." "We'll chew 'em up and spit 'em out." "We'll make 'em eat dirt for breakfast." "Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day." "Hi, girls." "How's it going?" "How was practice, Rose?" "The boys OK?" "No time to chat now." "I'll see y'all later." "Bye." "Blanche, you're meeting him again, aren't you?" "Who, Dorothy?" "Who?" "Who else?" "Tom Gallagher." "Blanche, you're too good for him." "I will never understand what it is you have against Tom Gallagher." "He is a shallow insensitive snob who stands you up constantly." "Dorothy, there happens to be another side to Tom Gallagher that most people don't see." "What is it?" "I don't know." "I'm one of those people." "But as long as he doesn't give me a dirty look when I order lobster," "I don't care." "Blanche..." "Oh, all right, all right, maybe he's not perfect, but I happen to be in a little dating slump right now." "I'm just happier having a man who isn't perfect than looking around for one who is." "That's what Bush told everyone when he was choosing a vice president." "Hey, Blanche." "I didn't see you." "Uh, listen..." "Ernie, could you freshen my drink?" "Oh, sure." "Look..." "Put some extra ice cubes in it this time." "OK, Blanche..." "I don't know why you're always so stingy with your ice cubes." "They are free, aren't they?" "Blanche..." "Ernie, you notice how I keep interrupting you?" "It's because I don't want to hear what you're gonna tell me." "He called and canceled again, didn't he?" "Sorry, Blanche." "He told me to buy you anything you liked." "Oh, really?" "Well, then, get out your phone book and open it to the jewelry section." "It's no fun being stood up, is it?" "Listen, mister, if you're looking for a quick score because you think I'm down, then you can just think again." "As a matter of fact, I was looking for a little sympathy." "Got stood up myself tonight." "Really?" "Cross my heart." "What's left of it." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm just so darn angry." "My name's Blanche." "John." "John Quinn." "How do you do?" "I don't know about you, but I sure feel too old to be stood up." "You're not the only one." "This is the fourth time that man has canceled." "He found somebody better, that's all." "Oh, Blanche." "Yes, he did." "Somebody younger and prettier." "Blanche, it can't be." "Well, maybe you're right." "Somebody younger and as pretty." "I think tonight may be the night I finally learned my lesson." "No more dates for a long time." "You mean that?" "I do." "Well, all right, then." "I'm with you." "No more dates." "Here's looking at you." "Cheers." "Oh, I'm sorry..." "I'm so sorry." "Did I get you?" "No, no, I'm fine." "But here, let me help you." "Thanks." "This is embarrassing." "I gotta be the clumsiest guy on earth." "No." "You don't happen to know a good dry cleaner, do you?" "Oh, only the best." "You know Andre's on Elm?" "Sure." "Well, Andre takes his clothes to this place." "I'll write it down for you." "Thanks." "I'm glad it was red wine and not white." "Why?" "White's easier to get out." "I know, but I spilled red meat on this jacket at lunch, and I wouldn't want your dry cleaner to think I was gauche." "Here you go." "Oh, thanks." "I think I'll run along now." "Nice meeting you, Mr. John Quinn." "Thank you." "Same here, Blanche, uh..." "Devereaux." "Good night." "Good night." "Blanche?" "Yes?" "I know you're gonna think I'm a hypocrite for this, but is there any way I could call you for dinner?" "Only one way I can think of." "What?" "By looking at that napkin." "My number's on it." "Good night." "Can I get something else for you, John?" "No, I think I'll call it a night, Ernie." "OK." "Take care." "Thanks, Ernie." "Tommy Turner." "71." "Don't miss any meals, Turner." "If you're less than 70, you can't play." "Uh, Freddy Leone." "92." "Hey, Leone, try to remember lasagna was not meant to go in a sandwich." "Uh, last but not least, Billy Haskell." "72." "(all cheer)" "Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "How much does he weigh now, Ma?" "68." "(boys) Aww." "Sorry, Coach Rose." "I tried." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Well, you said to take the book..." "And study." "Study, study, study, study." "No game Saturday, Billy." "I'm sorry." "Everybody, I'll see you at practice tomorrow." "Thanks a lot, Rose." "You just taught a bunch of eight-year-old boys that it's more important to win than to play by the rules." "Big deal!" "Two pounds?" "He's our best player." "If Billy doesn't play, the team can't win." "Rose, rules were made for people like Billy." "Little bodies don't like it when big bodies fall on them." "Which is why Raymond Burr never married." "Girls, quick." "I need some advice." "Wear half as much makeup and twice as much underwear." "Take it as a standing recommendation." "Sophia, I need advice on these earrings." "Are they dressy enough for a really nice dinner?" "Oh, Blanche, don't tell me you're seeing Tom Gallagher again." "No, I am not." "I'm seeing that man I told you about I met in the bar" " John Quinn." "Just got off the phone with him." "He asked you out for tonight?" "Yes!" "I know it's a little quick, but when Blanche Devereaux wants a man, she does not stand on ceremony." "Or the floor." "You seem pretty excited about this date." "Something tells me this man is just about perfect." "John is everything Tom wasn't." "He's smart, mature, responsible." "(doorbell rings)" "And on time." "Would you girls keep him entertained?" "I want to make sure I look perfect before he sees me." "Hello." "Hi, I'm John Quinn." "Hi, I'm Rose, Blanche's roommate." "Hi, Rose." "Won't you come in?" "Could you, uh, give me a hand?" "Well, sure." "That's, uh..." "That's OK." "I'll use this." "Uh, come in." "Thank you." "Oh, how do you do, John?" "I'm Dorothy." "I'm Blanche's other roommate." "Hello, Dorothy." "And I'm her gorgeous 22-year-old cousin." "Hey, how many chances do I get?" "Hello, John." "Well, how do I look?" "Blanche..." "Am I just the most adorable thing you ever saw?" "Blanche..." "Are you blinded by my beauty?" "Blanche!" "Oh, my God." "Want a glass of water to wash down your foot?" "Blanche, was there something you didn't realize the other night?" "Oh, you mean about you being blind, you mean?" "Oh, goodness, no, of course I knew that." "I'm not blind." "Not that there's anything wrong in that." "C-C-Course, there's nothing so good about it, either." "Could we just go?" "Great." "What restaurant are we headed to?" "Harvey's at the shore." "Do you know it?" "No, I don't." "Oh, you'll love it." "It has a gorgeous view." "In this formation you're lined up in a wishbone with the U-back in motion." "Any questions so far?" "I've got a question, Coach Rose." "Am I an X or an O?" "You're an O, Freddy." "The other team are the X's, and you're all O's." "It's easy to remember." "It's the number of points you scored this season." "Now, the tight end decoys, so it looks like we're running a draw play, then he slips into a soft spot in the zone over the middle, the flanker fakes a screen then runs a reverse behind the halfback," "which gives the quarterback two options..." "For God's sake, Rose, Eisenhower used less chalk planning D-day." "OK." "Well, then, let's just talk about a few things that happened in the last game." "Nobody blocked this X." "Billy could have blocked him." "Well, maybe Billy could have, but Billy couldn't play, and we all know why." "I don't want to mention any names." "Follow my eyes." "OK, that's it for practice today." "Everybody get a good night's sleep." "Coach Dorothy, can Billy and I get weighed together and we divide it?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Nice try." "You're beginning to think like a fourth-grader already." "I told you it wouldn't work." "Happy, Dorothy?" "Thanks to you, we don't stand a chance in tomorrow's game without our star player." "Rose, listen, I am getting sick and tired of being made out to be a villain simply because I play by the rules." "Relax." "It'll all be over tomorrow." "If I make it that far." "I think I caught something practicing out in the rain." "So did I. Gee, I hope none of the boys caught it." "Don't worry about it." "Those boys can't catch anything." "I've seen them practice." "Hi, girls." "Oh, hi." "How did your date with John go?" "Oh, perfect." "Dinner and the symphony." "You must be really serious." "You've seen him every night this week." "You're a lucky woman, Blanche." "Your guy John is just the type" "I always figured was perfect for my Dorothy." "Oh, he sure is." "He's smart, he's sophisticated." "I was talking blind." "(phone rings)" "I'll get it." "Hello." "Well, hello there." "How have you been?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am free tonight." "Well, I would just love to meet for drinks." "Seven is perfect." "Bye." "Blanche, don't tell me that you were talking to Tom Gallagher." "And what if I was?" "You have plans with John tonight." "Then obviously I'll just have to cancel." "Blanche, I can't believe this!" "You two don't really expect me to limit myself to one man, now, do you?" "Well, when it's one terrific man, yes." "I guess you two don't know me very well." "Blanche, this is the best relationship you've been in in the last five years." "Why do you want to ruin it?" "Because it's never gonna work." "Why?" "Because the man is blind." "Now, would the two of you please keep your noses out of my business?" "Blanche, you know something?" "When it comes to other people, you're the one who's blind!" "Here we go, Dorothy." "Two bowls of Sophia's homemade remedy." "Oh, Rose, this isn't gonna work." "We have the flu." "Well, we have to at least give it a try." "Today's the big game." "We can't let those kids down." "Ugh, what is in this?" "Red peppers, oregano, garlic, chicken fat and lard." "Sophia swears it works every time." "Now eat up." "Oh, this is disgusting." "What's disgusting?" "Your cure for the flu." "Hey, that remedy's been in our family for generations." "And it always works?" "Always." "Of course, I never saw anyone eat it before." "Usually, you just throw a glop on the vaporizer." "Oh, Rose, this is - this is hopeless." "We're never gonna feel well enough to coach that game today." "Oh, I guess we'll have to forfeit." "But it's gonna break those kids' hearts." "Forfeit?" "You mean quit?" "You can't do that, Rose." "No member of my family ever quits." "Sophia, I'm not a member of your family." "Pretend, Rose." "I'm going for a moment here." "You never saw a Frank Capra film?" "I'm taking over." "(doorbell rings)" "Wish me luck." "Ma, you don't know anything about football." "Please." "What's to know?" "You hit a guy, you grab the pigskin, you run like crazy." "It's like shopping in Sicily." "Hi, Sophia." "Let's roll, Freddy." "We got a game to win." "That was really a sweet thing for Sophia to do." "I know." "But if she loses, I'll punch her stinking heart out." "Oh, good, I'm so glad you girls are here." "Listen, I acted so stupid last night." "I apologize." "I need to talk." "Why, Blanche?" "No matter what we say, you're gonna end up doing exactly what you want." "We told you last night you were pushing away a terrific guy, and you did, didn't you?" "Yes, but you don't understand why I pushed John away." "You told us." "Because he's blind." "Yes, because he's blind." "But you don't know what it meant, dating a blind man." "John took away the one thing I'd always felt secure about - my looks." "How do I always attract men?" "By being pretty, by acting sexy, showing a little leg." "With John, those things don't work." "I spent half the time I was with him thinking," ""What in the world does this man like about me?"" "So you went back to Tom because you know what he likes." "Yes, but the whole time I was with him I was miserable, 'cause I wanted to be with John." "Well, then tell all this to John." "I guess that is my only choice." "Yes, I'm gonna look him up tonight and I'm gonna patch things up." "Oh, thank you." "I'm so glad we're friends again." "Oh, honey, of course we are." "And by the way, I have never asked you what it is y'all have." "Oh, we're not sure." "All we know is it makes your skin blotchy, and your eyes puffy and your cheeks swollen." "And you get heart palpitations." "Good thing for those palpitations, otherwise you might never have known you even had it." "OK, here's the game plan." "We keep it on the ground." "Then, when they're used to it on the ground, we attack them through the air." "I've used the same formula for 60 years of lovemaking." "Trust me - it works." "OK, everybody, hit the field." "(boys) Yeah!" "You're upset 'cause you can't play, aren't you?" "Still could, if you let me." "Aren't you still 2 pounds below the limit?" "Yeah." "Boy, I hate being small." "Hey, being small isn't all bad." "Take it from someone who knows." "You mean you?" "You see Billy Barty sitting here?" "There are big advantages to being small." "One, you never outgrow your clothes." "Two, you seldom bump your head." "Three, the world thinks you're cute." "You think Danny DeVito got to be famous with his good looks?" "There's nothing wrong with being small, kid, but it is wrong to cheat." "If you learn in life to follow the rules and play fair, you'll be heads above the crowd." "You know, Sophia, all of a sudden I feel so much better." "I had a feeling at your age a good cliché would work." "Now eat this." "What is it?" "That's a meatball and pepper sandwich." "If that doesn't put the weight on you, nothing will." "OK, get suited up." "All right!" "Well, don't just stand there." "What?" "It's your perfume, Blanche." "It gives you away every time." "Oh, goodness." "For a blind man, you're certainly observant." "Have a seat." "Thank you." "Your secretary told me you were meeting somebody here, so I won't keep you." "I just thought we ought to talk." "Blanche, if you've come to apologize for last night, I understand." "Well, I'm-I'm not sure you do, John." "I like you very much." "Problem is, I just don't know what it is you like about me." "See, I'm used to men liking me for my looks - at least partly - and you don't." "(laughs) I sure don't." "As a matter of fact, I'm glad I never have to look at you." "What?" "That's right." "You see, when I like somebody," "I get to make up what they look like for myself, and when I like somebody..." "a lot," "I make up a pretty nice picture." "Would it be rude of me to ask just what that picture is you have of me?" "Oh, well..." "You make me laugh, so you got a terrific smile." "Yes." "You're smart and thoughtful, so you've got beautiful eyes." "Yes." "And you're a music lover, so you've got a big behind." "Ye" "No." "Just wanted to see if you were paying attention." "I think you're just terrific." "I feel awful stupid about last night." "Don't, Blanche." "I know it's not easy." "I'd love it if we could make plans for next week." "My treat." "How about if I call you Monday?" "Great." "John?" "Elaine, hello." "Hi." "Blanche, this is Elaine." "Well, hello, Elaine." "I was just leaving." "John, you and Elaine have a good time tonight." "Oh, and just so you'll know, it looks like Elaine here is an even bigger music lover than I am." "(door opens)" "Oh." "Blanche, hi." "Did everything work out with John?" "Oh, yes." "We're getting together next week." "I thought you two would be in bed." "We just got out." "Ugh, feels like we spent the whole day in bed." "You say that like it's a bad thing." "Make way for the victors." "You won the big game?" "No, Rose, we lost, and we all changed our names to Victor." "Of course we won." "Now it's time for ice cream." "(all) Yeah!" "Good going, guys!" "Ma, wait a minute, wait a minute." "Ma." "Did you let Billy play?" "Billy?" "Billy..." "Little boy, brown hair." "She knows who he is." "Uh, he played a little." "Ma, that was illegal." "Was." "I gave him a sandwich so he'd make weight." "Unfortunately, on the first play it gave him a cramp, and he had to sit out, but they won it without him." "I knew they could, because of all the discipline I taught them." "Baloney." "It's because of the team spirit that I taught them." "You're both wrong." "It was the "Statue of Mussolini" play I taught theme." "What's that?" "Everybody piles on the star quarterback on the first play, and then he's out for the rest of the game." "Ma, Ma, that is a mean, underhanded, despicable thing to do." "So was World War II." "We're talkin' about Mussolini."