"My lords and ladies!" "Today, your Queen will choose her champion." "Here he will battle for not only her honor, but for a title of his own." "But only if he can defeat the Captain of my Guard," "Sir Horace the Black!" "Sir William, wouldst thou fight for my honor?" "To the death, Your Majesty." "Let's hope it does not come to that, eh?" "I choose Sir William as my champion." "Attack from his left side." "I saw his squire bandaging that shoulder this morning." "I wish thee luck and strength." "I fear I shall need all I can get." "The Captain of my Guard, Sir Horace the Black!" "Are you sure you wouldn't like to reconsider your choice, my Queen?" "I believe I chose rightly, my King." "Brave knights, in the honored tradition of our land, have at ye!" "I fear you chose most poorly, my love." "William!" "William!" "William!" "William!" "William!" "William!" "William!" "William!" "William!" "William!" "William!" "William!" "William?" "What is it?" "Your eyes." "William." "We need an ambulance at the Camden Fairgrounds." "You're new." "You're naked." "And for the record, a little bit cold." "I'm sorry, I didn't know that anyone was home." "James had an early call, and I was just leaving." "Without breakfast?" "I'm fine, thanks." "I'm Sam, by the way." "House." "Nice to meet you." "It'd be nicer if you put this on." "So you and Wilson..." "Thought you were staying in New York last night." "Sorry, must have missed the "if this trailer be a-rocking" sign out front." "I'm really late, so..." "If there's any chance that we can pretend this never happened," "I'd be completely fine with that." "An eight-year-old with bleeding ears." "I'll see your bleeding ears and raise you a total muscular degeneration." "What the hell?" "I had a dream like this once." "It didn't end well." "Huzzah, my loyal peasants." "House, what are you doing?" "Filling in for Rabbi Shmuhl at the Goldstein Bris." "While I'm busy, you all can check out the knight down in the ER, who instead of seizing the throne, just seized." "He works at a Renaissance festival?" "Doesn't work there, he lives there." "He's part of a wonderful little troupe who spend their weekends re-enacting a nobler age when people crapped in the streets and Thirteen would've been a grandmother." "Weeks, not weekends." "Says here he's been camping out for a month." "Try doing that with a pen." "Why don't you put that down before you kill one of us?" "Better idea." "Why don't you give me something I can use so I won't feel the need to?" "Seizure right after a fight obviously suggests concussion." "Obviously it isn't, or the ER wouldn't have called House." "A full suit of armor would protect against visible trauma, but not transmitted concussive force." "Could be a subdural hematoma." "You're forgetting to demonize." "An evil, satanic subdural hematoma." "No, two demon eyes." "Hemorrhaging in the sclerae." "Could be an allergic reaction to something from the Renaissance fair." "Which is why we need to check out Middle Earth." "Foreman, take Frodo and break bread with the Hobbits." "I still think a hematoma is more likely." "That's why you and Chase are gonna get an MRI." "But you just..." "I said Frodo, not Gollum." "Is he saying I have short legs or hairy feet?" "I don't even know who Frodo is." "Who's the chick, and why are you hiding her?" "You were home last night?" "And this morning." "I bumped into your babe naked." "I told you to stay out of my bathroom." "I was in the kitchen." "She was naked in the kitchen?" "I was naked." "Why were you naked in the kitchen?" "That's not important right now." "What is, is why you didn't want me to meet her in the first place." "Is she married?" "No." "Patient?" "I don't have time for this." "She used to be a man." "House!" "She wants to be a man." "Sam is a man's name, short for..." "Samantha." "The soulless harpy you were married to before we met." "People change, House." "Sure." "They get older, their ovaries start drying up and nice guys like you look attractive again." "Listen, I know that in your own demented way, you think you're looking out for me." "But I have this." "By "this" you mean a sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach." "Fine, I get it." "It's your life, you go screw it up." "I can wait." "For what?" "To tell you, "I told you so"." "No signs of a hematoma." "Brain looks completely normal." "Normal, except for the fact that he likes to play dress-up." "My uncle used to pretend that he was King Leopold." "I'm not pretending." "Sorry about that." "But you don't really think you're a knight, do you?" "Being a knight isn't a game, it's a lifestyle, and we do it every day, not just when we play dress-up." "We live by a code, and uphold ideals like loyalty, courage, humility." "And the part where you beat the crap out of each other in armor?" "That we do for fun." "At least it was up until yesterday." "Are we almost done?" "I'm feeling..." "Let's get him out of there before he aspirates." "Anything abnormal on the MRI?" "God's teeth!" "What strange manner of garments be these?" "Okay." "We'll be back soon." "He consorts with tiny demons in his hand. 'Tis witchcraft, I say." "Do I look like I'm here to play pretend with you?" "Relax." "It's not personal." "Just tell them you're a time traveler or something." "Well, if we're gonna be here, we might as well enjoy it." "Our knight just vomited inside the MRI." "Taub thinks it might be food poisoning." "Which shouldn't be surprising." "Outdoor latrines, food prep going on next to livestock." "I hear you wish to speak with me concerning Sir William." "How faireth he?" "Not well, or we wouldn't be here." "A pox indeed is..." "Miles." "We just thought it was a concussion." "He's going to be okay, right?" "We need to look at the area he was camping out in." "And you might want to invest into a dental plan for the kingdom." "You sure he got sick from something here?" "I'm not sure of anything, yet, but..." "What do you make of this?" "Mmm." "Looks like vomit." "Means he was showing symptoms prior to the fight." "True, but I meant this." "Oh." "It's a cow eye from the night before the tournament." "He makes the knights eat all kinds of disgusting stuff." " Why?" " Got the idea from Fear Factor." "Why didn't he mention it when he checked into the hospital?" "I make them all take an oath of secrecy about the ritual." "William tends to take his role as a knight very seriously." "You think that's what caused him to pass out?" "It's not exactly sanitary." "Fun stuff never is." "Serious bacterial food poisoning explains seizure and vomiting." "A lumbar puncture could confirm." "Except it's not food poisoning." "If it was, the ER would look like Camelot right now." "All it takes is one bad eyeball." "Or testicle, cow brain, or my personal favorite, pig rectum with a side order of sphincter." "I think they call that breakfast in Australia." "No one else was sick because they weren't allergic like he was." "To what?" "That's what I sent you to Middle Earth to find out." "Run scratch tests with the samples you brought back." "That's gonna take time, and he's getting worse." "So treat him with epinephrine, too." "This should prevent any more symptoms until we can figure out what it is you're allergic to." "Thanks." "I told you, you shouldn't have eaten all that stuff." "You know, you don't have to stay." "I'm sure you and Miles are crazy busy, what with the wedding and all." "Miles said we could postpone it until..." "Don't worry, I'll be fine." "I'll be there." "I just hope you have a good photographer." "'Cause I don't think the standard red-eye filter is gonna work on these." "I need your right arm." "That feels..." "Feels strange." "What is it?" "What's wrong?" "His heart rate's become irregular." "My chest hurts." "It feels like it's going to explode." "Tachycardia." "We need to shock him back into rhythm." "Oh, my God, William..." "I need his gown open." "What is that?" "What is that stuff?" "I don't know." "It's definitely not an allergy, or the epi would have helped him, not made him worse." "Unless he's allergic and allergic to the cure." "Sodium bisulfite, the preservative that keeps epi peppy, can cause tachycardia." "So can Wolff-Parkinson- White syndrome, and it also causes hemorrhaging in the eyes." "And abnormal electrical pathways in the heart, which could cause seizures." "But not skin infections." "There is an infection that can cause skin and neurological damage and spreads rapidly without treatment." "Methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus?" "Lord have MRSA." "You weren't wearing gloves when we shocked his heart back into rhythm." "I'm sure you'll be fine." "You two, get a sample to the lab to confirm." "You get the knight into isolation and on IV antibiotics." "You, stay away from me." "Need to talk." "About the MRSA?" "I know." "We're..." "MRSA, shmrsa." "Something important." "Something you think is more important than a potentially lethal bacteria spreading like wildfire through my hospital?" "Well, that narrows it down to something personal and stupid." "Wilson." "Theory confirmed." "He is dating his first wife, I know." "I don't believe it." "That he didn't ask your permission first?" "No, that he's actually capable of keeping a secret from me." "Well, you'd be surprised how many things Wilson doesn't tell you." "Would I?" "Like how you slept with your father's best friend?" "Or..." "I'm going to kill him." "You need to break them up." "Forget it." "So you'd rather sit back and watch while the evil blonde gorges on Wilson's tender flesh and then tosses out his bones like she did the last time?" "You remember what he was like after that?" "Yes, I do." "Well, then do something." "God knows he's not gonna listen to me." "You, on the other hand, have decades of experience dating and being attracted to losers." "Obviously I don't include myself." "You know what happens when you interfere in other people's relationships?" "Of course, I do it all the time." "Hmm." "I see your point." "That is why I'm staying out of this." "You force him to choose, you might not like the answer." "He doesn't seem to be in as much pain any more." "That's good." "But we won't be out of the woods for sure until the blisters start to recede." "I'm really thirsty." "You mind getting me a soda?" "Sure." "I'll be right back." "What's wrong?" "The pain in my chest, it's getting worse." "Just now?" "No." "I didn't want to worry her." "So how long have you been in love with her?" "What?" "No, we're just friends." "Seriously." "Since the first time I saw her." "Why don't you tell her?" "She's engaged to my friend." "The King?" "Haven't seen him visiting or sitting by your bedside." "He has responsibilities." "Yeah?" "I'm guessing the Queen does, too." "What kind of knight steals his friend's bride?" "I hate that I even think about it." "You're not a knight." "You're just a guy." "But I want to be more than that." "Your chest?" "No, my back." "Feels like there's a knife in it." "Is the infection spreading?" "It's not MRSA." "It looks like some sort of clostridial organism." "Question is, which type of clostridium?" "There's hundreds." "C. Perfringens?" "Wouldn't account for his other symptoms." "C. Tetani, on the other hand?" "Tetanus?" "He would have been inoculated against it." "So he cut himself and didn't get a booster shot." "The guy fights people with swords for fun, no one said he's smart." "They don't just fight for fun." "They fight to prove their bravery." "You buying this honor stuff?" "Fighting is not brave, it's just stupid." "You would say that." "You think I've never been in a fight?" "No, I just think you've never won one." "I took on three guys in college once." "Hope they bought you dinner first." "It's not MRSA." "I know." "It's poison ivy." "Poison ivy?" "A severe reaction could cause the blisters and maybe irritate his eyes enough to cause the hemorrhaging, but the chest pain and seizures?" "They have bonfires every night." "Burning leaves aerosolizes the oil." "You've seen what it's done to the outside of his body, imagine what it's doing to his lungs and his sinuses." "Okay, maybe it remotely fits, but I'd rather go with scientific evidence than with your gut." "How about this?" "Apparently, it's all over his sword." "It's his heart rate again!" "How fast is it?" "It's slowing." "Why aren't you..." "It's not MRSA." "I'm giving him 12 cc's of epinephrine." "He tested positive." "You'll blow his heart out." "If it slows any more, it's going to stop." "I told you!" "And I told you." "That wasn't caused by poison ivy." "Or epinephrine." "Means the heart problem we ruled out, we now have to rule back in." "We found clostridium bacteria in the skin samples." "Clostridium's in dirt and basically harmless." "But opportunistic, if his immune system was depressed." "Leukemia?" "He would've had symptoms way before the Renaissance festival." "Which is true of anything that would compromise his immune system." "Which means it has to be some other environmental toxin." "Yesterday he was a healthy knight, today he's sleeping beauty." "Nothing else fits." "Trichinosis from eating infected meat?" "We already ruled out food poisoning." "Both the butcher shop and the food stands at the fair were totally clean." "Then he ate the poison apple somewhere else, or maybe you just missed it." "Start treatment for trichinosis and confirm with a muscle biopsy." "Hey." "I can't believe I'm about to say this." "Sam..." "Told you so." "No, she didn't dump me." "She wants to get to know you better." "Damn it!" "I never should have let her see me naked." "It goes against all my instincts, but I said all right." "Why?" "She thinks I was hiding her from you." "You were." "I don't want her to know." "You're asking me to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust?" "Yeah." "When and where?" "Tonight." "Venezia. 8:00." "What am I gonna wear?" "All my cereal boxes are at the cleaners." "House, listen." "I know you're worried about me." "And I also know that that kind of unselfishness doesn't come naturally to you." "But I don't want your help." "I don't need your help." "Just come to dinner and be your usual selfish self." "How could I say no?" "Miles said he'd stop by later." "Tell him not to." "I don't want to be seen like this." "You're sick." "That's nothing to be ashamed of." "Unless you're saying you want me to leave?" "No, don't." "I think he's saying it's different with you, Shannon." "It's a guy thing." "They don't like showing weakness in front of each other." "Right, William?" "Right." "Maybe when I'm feeling a little better." "I'm going to take a small sample of your muscle tissue here." "Do you mind waiting outside for this?" "Don't hurt him." "He's safe with me." "I thought you were going to tell her." "Not my call, but if you ask me, she's waiting for you to." "Knights are supposed to be selfless." "Right, they conquered countries and built castles by being selfless." "Bravery and loyalty are great qualities for soldiers." "If you want to be king, sometimes you have to be willing to take what's yours." "She's not mine." "She's not his either." "Not yet." "It's just dinner." "Relax." "Trust me, there is no "just" when House is involved." "We're in the middle of a restaurant." "What could he possibly do?" "That." "Sorry we're late, but you know girls." "Always fiddling with the hair and the makeup." "James, Sam, this is Sarah." "It's nice to meet you." "Horace has told me..." "House." "House has told me all about you." "Nice to meet you." "What's the diagnosis?" "His muscle biopsy's clean." "It's not trichinosis." "House was wrong." "This is not environmental." "Or we screwed up and missed something at the Renaissance fair." "You think we did?" "No, but I think House will think we did." "What could we have missed?" "Fungal infection?" "There's nothing in his blood work even remotely suggesting that." "But it fits the symptoms." "You want to retest every sample we took for spores?" "We'll be here all night." "Have you noticed how much pain he's been in lately?" "And that's relevant how?" "Extra pain means extra cranky, means off his game." "He's not gonna accept this isn't environmental unless we give him no choice." "I cannot believe you're from Bloomington." "I know." "Isn't it amazing?" "Yeah." "Delightful." "Ignore him." "He's just upset that we're having fun." "Do you remember that little bakery, the one with the amazing cupcakes?" "Gino's." "Oh, yes!" "First stop every time I go home." "Me, too." "Remember that strip club?" "Girl, I used to work at that strip club." "Where does it hurt, William?" "My legs." "It feels like they're on fire." "Rhabdomyolysis means his kidneys are failing." "Also means it's not environmental." "We need to move on." "I recommend we start with a full cancer work-up, starting with the..." "Which one of you checked out the apartment?" "House..." "His symptoms fit an environmental..." "The test results don't." "We redid..." "Search the apartment." "He hasn't been there in three weeks." "Go!" "Now!" "I liked him better when he was on Vicodin." "You and Thirteen check out his place." "While you're wasting your time, we'll ultrasound the liver." "If it's cancer, it's as good a place as any to start." "Hey." "Hey." "Heard House met Sam." "The first time he was naked." "The second time, he brought a transvestite prostitute to dinner." "Overall, it could've been worse." "Great." "That's your reaction?" "What?" "Nudity, prostitutes..." "Sorry." "Preoccupied." "House said something to you, didn't he?" "No." "He didn't." "It is a little crazy, though." "I mean, isn't it?" "I mean, things seem to be going great, but they seemed to be going great 12 years ago." "The good things are still good." "She's still smart, funny, gets me." "And she's less competitive." "Either she's changed or I've changed, but either way..." "Am I out of my mind?" "You never know what can happen." "Might as well give it a chance." "Yeah." "Looks like you were right." "Tumors, dozens of them inside and on the surface." "Pull in closer." "See that?" "What is that?" "I don't know, but it's definitely not cancer." "Kitchen's clean." "Bedroom as well." "Most dangerous thing in his medicine cabinet was dental floss." "It's locked." "Key wasn't on his ring." "You honestly want to go back and tell House we didn't check every square inch of this place?" "Of course not." "My hero." "What the hell is this?" "Either a secret entrance to Hogwarts or our knight is a witch." "Our knight is into some seriously creepy stuff." "He claims it's just sugar water, but we sent the rest down to the lab for testing." "You think he poisoned himself?" "It's not poison." "We would have picked it up in his blood work." "Not if it collected slowly in his liver and it all started leaking into his system at once." "These tumors that aren't tumors, what if they're focal hepatic lesions filled with blood?" "Every time one explodes, it'd be releasing another dose." "Of what?" "Plumbum nigrum." "You putting a hex on someone?" "It's Latin for black lead." "Our knight-slash-warlock apparently also dabbles in alchemy." "Lead poisoning?" "Seizures, paralysis, weak immune system and eventually coma." "Biopsy the cysts, you'll find your lead." "You think we'll make the 7:30?" "I'm sorry." "If I don't change, I'm gonna feel like I'm at work all night." "Yeah, I remember." "Is it a problem?" "Not at all." "In fact, if we hurry..." "We will definitely not make the 7:30." "Well, there's always the 9:40." "Or not." "Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" "Wouldn't need a team if I did all the work, now, would I?" "Plus, I had to make you dinner." "We have plans." "Bet your plans don't taste like this." "Don't!" "House, whatever it is that you're up to..." "I'm trying to be nice." "What I did the other night was juvenile." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "Souffle was amazing." "It's my mom's recipe." "Everything else, I got off the web." "Here's to the Internet." "Where I found the lamb ragu and you two found each other." "Again." "Well, it wasn't just the Internet." "Yeah, more like divorce, depression, therapy, more therapy, then the Internet." "Yeah." "And here we are." "Exactly." "And here we are." "Well, I need to go to the bathroom." "I think you're old enough now, but if you'd like me to come along with you..." "I mean, is it safe to leave the two of you?" "Come on, James, enough already." "Yeah, James." "I cook in peace." "Okay." "Be right back." "You're a cold-hearted bitch who ripped his heart out." "I watched him struggle for years to overcome the damage you did, and there's no way I'm just gonna let you reel him back in so you can do it all over again." "And all this?" "Phase two of getting to know my enemy." "You're wrong about me." "But I'm glad now I don't have to pretend I like you, except for when James is standing next to me." "Same here." "The only difference is, I'll outlast you." "And scene." "Well, it's too late for the movie." "Wanna see what's on TV?" "Absolutely." "Love to." "There wasn't any lead present in his blood work or liver biopsy." "And his heart rate and BP are getting even more erratic." "We had to shock it back into rhythm twice during the night." "There's only one thing left to do." "We're wasting our time." "Actually, I've already gotten good value." "I told you there's nothing here that could've caused any of his symptoms." "No, you told me that you couldn't find anything here that could be causing his symptoms." "And now we're gonna find something new because we're in costume?" "We looked everywhere." "Tested everything." "Just because Wilson's acting stupid doesn't mean we are." "You think he's making a mistake?" "Of course." "But he'll figure it out sooner or later." "Hopefully after a few weeks of great sex." "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." "Wilson's not like us." "He cares too much about people and their feelings." "Thanks for the compliment." "The code that our knight claims to live by, all that crap about honor and chivalry, Wilson's naturally like that." "Which is why he is..." "A great guy." "...a sucker and a target." "Someone's got to look out for him." "You smell that?" "Yeah, it's the apothecary shop, and, yes, Foreman and I already..." "I cry your pardon, sir." "You know what this is?" "Why, that's lavender." "Try rose hips." "Both harmless." "Who cares?" "It could be cyanide, as far as he knows." "How about this?" "Be nothing but St John's wort." "Wrong again." "Black Cohosh." "My uncle owns the shop." "I just started apprenticing." "What's the big deal?" "Hey, I just organized all that." "You know what this is?" "A wild carrot?" "It's hemlock, you embossed carbuncle." "That's hemlock?" "You sure?" "Did you sell it to anyone?" "It's poison." "Think hard." "It was just one branch." "You sold it to Sir William." "No." "To the King." "It's the only part of the environment you didn't check." "The people living in it." "What's going on?" "Why can't we see William?" "Because you poisoned him, your royal anus, with this." "Wild carrots?" "Hemlock." "I need to know how much you used and how you prepared it." "You did something to William?" "No, of course not." "He's still alive." "You want to avoid a murder charge, start talking fast." "The apothecary's willing to testify that you're the only one he gave it to." "Okay." "Yeah, maybe I bought it for the food challenge, but I didn't know that was hemlock." "If it was for the challenge, why is Wee Willy the only knight who's dying?" "I don't know." "I'm telling you, I didn't know." "Why would I want to hurt William?" "I can think of at least one reason." "Miles, please, whatever happened, just tell them the truth." "I am." "I swear." "We ran a gas chromatography on his blood, found trace amounts of piperidine alkaloids." "The main markers of hemlock intoxication." "Well, the good news is, we now know what's wrong with you." "Bad news is, your king's precious ideals were just pretend after all." "At least when it comes to guys who get too close to his Queen." "It's not true." "I guess you've never heard the expression," ""Gas chromatography machines don't lie"." "Neither does Miles." "He's the best knight I've ever known." "That's why he was chosen king." "Miles is a jealous idiot, and you're just an idiot." "Something's wrong." "We performed a gastric lavage and administered activated charcoal, but he's getting worse, not better." "It's been in his system two days." "We're lucky he's lasted this long." "If it was hemlock, he'd either be dead already or getting better with treatment." "It's hemlock." "We found it in his blood." "He may have had some hemlock, but it's not what's killing him." "Don't do it, whatever you're planning, especially if you're gonna use that thing." "It was just sitting in a stone..." "Here." "It's gonna cost extra 'cause of the level of detail that you wanted." "Anything good?" "And by good, I, of course, mean bad." "Nope." "Pretty much your typical life." "Married young, got divorced." "Married a little less young, got divorced." "She's been pretty successful in everything she's done except marriage." "Well, there's gotta be something I can use." "Maybe." "Didn't read her shrink's notes." "Didn't seem right." "But stealing them did?" "Whoa!" "I didn't steal them." "I found a way to obtain them." "Excuse me." "I don't mean to interrupt, but you got a minute?" "Sure." "Oh, him?" "Yeah." "I was just leaving." "Careful, I have a sword." "I don't agree with what you said, but I understand why you said it." "We were married young." "We both made mistakes." "And, yes, I did make most of them." "But that was almost a decade ago." "I'm sorry, is that the statutory period for soul sucking?" "I'm not asking you to like me, House." "To be honest, I think you're an ass, but we do have one thing in common." "We care about James." "So prove it and dump him." "Again." "You're pretty much insufferable all the time, aren't you?" "Sorry." "Go on." "And yes." "We just reconnected, we have no idea where we're headed." "But is it really too much to ask that you give us a chance to find out?" "I'm sure I'll be seeing you around." "We did it." "Well, I did it." "What exactly did we do?" "You do?" "These aren't focal hepatic lesions on his liver." "They're peliosis hepatis lesions, which, in combination with an erratic heart rate, usually indicates..." "Endocarditis, an infection on his heart valve." "Two major symptoms of anabolic steroid abuse." "No, he wouldn't..." "And the rhabdo makes the third." "Our patient's a juicer." "The ancient poison accelerated the damage of the modern poison." "Start treatment." "Let the king out of the tower." "How are you feeling?" "Ashamed." "You should be." "You'll compromise your ideals to win a fight, but not to go for the woman you love." "That was a game, not real life." "I didn't..." "Hurt anyone?" "Try telling that to Shannon." "Or maybe I missed something while she was crying by your bed." "You don't need to win anyone's heart." "You just need to ask for it." "Miles is a great guy." "He's rich, smart, treats her well." "She's going to have a great life with him." "With me?" "I'd do everything I could for her, but even at my best, it wouldn't be much." "And she deserves the best." "I guess I'd rather she be happy, even if it means I'm not." "Guess House was right about that, too." "What?" "You really are an idiot."