"Okay, Ma, here you go." "Happy birthday." "Oh!" "This one's from me, Robert and Dad." "Oh, a present from my sweet sweet boys." "And Frank." "Oh!" "My mother had figurines like these and I used to stare at them, hoping that maybe when I grew up they could be mine." "But one day they all broke." "My mother fell into them when I told her I was marrying Frank." "But now I have my very own set." "Oh, thank you so much." " Ah, you're welcome." " Oh, thank you." "Come here, Frank." "Let's not ruin the moment." "Oh my... you spent so much." "Ma, don't worry about that, all right?" "But $240?" "Those things cost $240?" "It's fine, Robert." "No no no." "Well, wait a minute." "How come you told me and Dad that we only had to pay $30 each, while you paid one- 100" "while you paid the rest?" "Robert, your mother doesn't care who paid what." "Sit down." "Frank, you only paid $30... and Raymond paid 180?" "180!" "Yes!" "I just paid what Ray told me to." "Skimping on your wife's birthday present." "My mother was right to fall down." "So you had to pay more than us, huh?" "You had to hog all the glory." "Glory hog!" "No, it just-- l can afford it, okay?" "I'm doing good." "That's all." "It's no big deal." ""l'm doing good." "That's all." "It's no big deal."" "You just had to show me up, right?" "!" "Thanks a lot, Ray." "I'm paying one-third, okay?" " So I owe..." " 80." "80." "Yes, 80." "All right, just calm down." "No. I already paid 30, so I owe..." " 50." " l know-- 50!" "Fine." "Pay me whatever." "Just stop being a jerk." "Maybe you should take these figurines back." "They should be in a happy home." "No." "What are you talking about?" "'Cause every time I look at them now, I'll think of you boys fighting." "Take them back." "Come on, Ma, I'm not taking them back." "Take them back." "They're tainted." "I'm not taking them back!" "You're keeping 'em and you're gonna cherish 'em!" "I spent weeks trying to figure out what to get you!" "Weeks!" "And then I remembered you talking about your mom and her figurines." "You think it's a coincidence that I got the same exact ones?" "I remembered!" "Then I went to every antique shop in the city until I found the little bastards!" "I didn't care how much it costs because it's what you wanted." "And then you're telling me to take 'em back?" "!" "I won't!" "I just won't do it." "So you two didn't even help pick them out?" "No no, l-l helped." "I wrapped it." "Don't lie, Robbie." "Everybody knows you can't work a tape dispenser with your giant fingers." "Nice job, Ray." "Letting her know you paid more wasn't enough?" "It was all part of his plan to find the glory and then hog it." "You know what?" "I'm sorry I bought the damn things." "Well, I'm sorry my birthday was an inconvenience." " No, Ma, I didn't mean" " You take them back." "I can't look at them!" "Well, Raymond, nice going." "You ruined that old crow's birthday." "It's unbelievable." "I try to do something nice and thoughtful, and it's like I killed my mother's birthday." "Yep." "Very very thoughtful." " What?" " Hmm?" "Nothing." "No. I guess I was just surprised at how thoughtful your mom's gift was." "But I shouldn't be surprised because you always put a lot of effort into the things that you buy... for her." "Good night." "No." "No, Ray." "I think it's great that you got your mom something nice." "I do." "I just sometimes wonder why you don't put the same thought into the things you get for me, but it's okay." "I don't care." "It's not a big deal." "I'm not mad." "Ray?" "Ray?" " Ray?" "!" " Ow!" "What?" "!" "I thought you said you weren't mad!" "I'm not!" "I've gotten you plenty of thoughtful stuff." "Huh?" "You're not making any sense." "Maybe you're delirious from lack of sex." "You mostly get me gift certificates and back-rub lOUs or stuff that I've had to hint that I wanted, like-like these pajamas, for instance." "You never hinted about those pajamas." "I gave you the color, the size, directions to the store, directions from the front of the store to the pajama department." "I still had to return them 'cause you got the wrong ones!" "See, if you sleep naked, we don't have this problem." "Come on, look." "I didn't know you were, like, dying for something super thoughtful." "You're supposed to want to get me thoughtful things." "Come on!" "I have to return these." "Ugh" "What?" "Nothing. lt's... I can't win." "I can't believe we're arguing about this when I happen to have a pretty good Christmas gift for you this year." " Huh." " Okay, you know what?" "I don't blame you if you don't believe me, but..." "I do. I really do." "Yeah, right." "No, you and I were doin' something a few weeks ago, and it got me to thinking-- whatever." "Just forget about it." "What?" "What were we doing?" "We were in the city, and we were walking, and you saw something, and you said, "Oh my God."" "Yeah?" "Yeah... and maybe I bought you something." "What is it?" "You'll see it." "You'll see it at Christmas, and..." "let's hope you find it thoughtful." "Good night." "I'm sorry, Ray." "It's okay." " Ray!" "Hi!" " Hey!" "Hi, Amy." "What are you doing here?" "I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd pop in and say, "Howdy-doodle."" ""Howdy-doodle"?" "What are you, hittin' the eggnog?" "Stop, Robert." "Come on in, Ray." "Okay." "Thank you." "So... boy!" "'Tis the season, huh?" "Only two shopping days left till Christmas." "Everybody's all holly and jolly and buying' stuff." "You buying any gifts this season, Amy?" "Oh, yeah." "I love shopping." "I've got one more thing to get my Uncle Jeff, and since he just retired" "That's great." "Listen listen listen... I wanted to get something really special for Debra this year, you know?" "'Cause..." "she's just so great." "Oh, I know" "Debra loves pajamas." "No!" "Nah!" "No pajamas." "Hey, you know what?" "Get out!" "I just want to get her something thoughtful." "You know?" "Something that says," ""Debra... you mean so much to me, and this gift makes me think of you."" "So what do ya got?" "All right, wait a minute." "I know what this is." "A few weeks ago, he got my mom something thoughtful for her birthday." "Now I bet he has to get Debra a gift of equal or greater thought." "You're very thoughtful, Ray." "You should trust your own instincts." "Yeah?" "'Cause I did think of something." "You know how Debra's always saying she's always cold?" "So I thought, "What if I get her this really great, top-of-the-line, primo... space heater?"" "Top-of-the-line!" "Four settings-- low, medium, high... off." "Raymond, have you ever even met your wife?" "Do you know anything about her?" "I know she gets chilly." "How 'bout something like, she spent all her summers as a kid up at Lake, uh..." "Saugatuck, right?" "Up in Connecticut?" "Lake who?" "Lake Saugatuck." "So you get her a painting or a nice photograph of Lake Saugatuck." "Or she likes Craftsman furniture, or she's always mentioning how she wished she had more time to spend in the garden." "So you get her the things with" "Wait wait." "I got it. I got it." "Okay, this is it." "This is it." "A first edition of "To Kill a Mockingbird."" "She did her college thesis on it." "It's her favorite book." "I'm telling you, she's gonna love it." "So not a space heater?" "No!" ""To Kill a Mockingbird," First Edition." "She would love that, Ray." "It's very nice, Robert." "Okay, yeah." "I was thinking of something like that, too." "Yeah." "I mean, that or the space heater." "Whatever's better." "You're a wonderful person." "Get out!" " All right, thanks." " Bye, Ray." "All right, bye." ""One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest"?" ""To Kill a Mockingbird"!" "Take a class!" "Right, right!" "Ha ha. "Cuckoo's Nest."" "I knew it was a bird book." "Now, where were we before the monkey came in?" "Hey!" "Calm down!" "Hey!" "Be quiet, Frank." "They just opened their presents." "They're excited." "They need to learn the true meaning of Christmas" "Grandpa wants quiet!" "Okay, Deb." "Here you go." "Hope you like it." ""To Kill a Mockingbird."" "Yeah, it's one of those first editions." "Yeah, I know." "This is... this is so great." "Oh... I love this." "Thank you so much." "How did you... oh, I love you." "I'm glad you like it." "I killed a bird once." "I have to tell you, Ray, when you told me you bought something thoughtful for me, I didn't totally believe you." "I'm so sorry." "It's okay." "Seeing your face now, that's like your gift to me." "Oh!" "Ahem!" "So um..." "Harper Lee won the Pulitzer Prize for that, didn't she, Deb?" "Yeah." "Oh God, this is so wonderful, Ray." "Frank, why can't you put a little more thought into what you got me?" "Slippers are very thoughtful." "Every day, I see your feet when you get out of bed, so I thought and I thought... and I thought..." ""What can I get to cover up those things?"" "You know, Ray... what was it that we were doing in the city that reminded you of "To Kill a Mockingbird"?" "What?" "Remember?" "Remember, you said, "We were in the city,"" "and I said, "Oh my God!" what was that?" "Right." "Right." "Well... we were in the city, and you said, "Oh my God,"" "because... of all the pigeons... that there were that day in the city." "And I thought, "Pigeons... birds... of a feather flock together..." "Flock, mock-ing bird--"" "Merry Christmas!" "Oh, wow!" "Wow!" "I know, right?" "It's funny how the mind works, isn't it?" "So, uh, you did your thesis on "To Kill a Mockingbird,"" "didn't you, Deb?" " Need some more coffee, sweetie?" " Deb?" "Yeah, okay." "Sure." "Two sugars, sugar." "No, I'll get it." "I'll come with you." "Did your thesis-- of the "Mock"" "Hey." "You know what?" "I can't wait to put the kids to bed tonight so I can start reading." "So did you start your book last night?" "Nope." "Didn't get a chance to." "You're damn right, you didn't." " Merry Christmas!" " Merry Christmas." " Hey." " Hi." "Merry Christmas." "Merry Christmas." "Hi." "We just came from across the street." "It's not the holidays until you've seen Frank in his Santa-face underwear." "Did you see what my handsome husband gave me?" "First edition, "To Kill a Mockingbird."" "My absolute favorite book!" "Hey, great gift." "I know. I love this." "Oh, it was so nice." "Look, I'm your husband." "That's what I do." "Don't be modest." "You gave me the perfect present." "I almost went with another idea-- something from Lake Saugatuck." "Lake Saugatuck?" "I don't think I've even mentioned that in 10 years." "I guess I remembered it 'cause I knew how important it was to you." "Oh!" "Isn't he too much, huh?" "It was me!" "What?" "You should be happy with me!" "I told him to get you that book!" "It was my idea, not Raymond's!" "Me, mine, all me!" "Robert" "Oh, you never even heard of "To Kill a Mockingbird"!" "Oh yes, I did!" "You never read the book, you never saw the movie!" "I bet you didn't even know there was a movie about it!" "Huh?" "Who's the star of the movie, Raymond?" " What is the diff" " Gregory Peck!" "Gregory Peck!" "He played Atticus Finch!" "Gregory Peck!" ""All right, Scout, step aside while I shoot this rabid dog."" "He won the Oscar in 1962!" "You moron!" "What's this guy talkin' about?" "So you took credit for Robert's idea?" "You made up that whole city thing?" "You lied to me?" "Yes yes and yes." "Robert, what are you doing?" "What do you mean?" "Why is it so important Debra knows that the book was your idea?" "Because it's the truth!" "Raymond's a glory hog." "He did it to Ma, and now he's doing it to Debra." "He's got to be stopped!" "You know, Robert... I gotta say, that book seems a little more thoughtful than what you got me." "What did he get you?" "Tickets to the ice Capades." "What's wrong with that?" "The Ice Capades is 2 1/2 hours of frozen fun." "Ice Capades?" "That's what Mom said I should get Debra." "That was your mother's idea?" "For me, you had to go to your mother?" "Man, that is lame." "I mean, right?" "Don't even, Ray." "All you care about is," ""What should I get for my mom?"" ""You think my mom will like this?"" ""Why don't we ask my mom?"" "Mom Mom" "Mom Mom Mom!" "How do we get out of here?" "Come on..." "Debra." "You got your book." "I gave it to you." "You should be happy." "Isn't it the thought that counts?" "But it wasn't your thought." "It was his." "Yeah!" "Why do you care so much about her gift?" "I don't. I was just trying to make him look bad." " Sorry, man." " lt's okay. I understand." "You know, Ray, I don't want you to ever get me another gift again, because every time you do, it just makes me realize how little you care." "Merry Christmas, Ray." "Now you're becoming my mother." "What?" "!" "Let me finish!" "Look... the only reason I ever put any thought into my mother's gift" " is because she's, uh" " Materialistic." " No." " Yes." "Yes!" "Kitchen stuff-- that's all she cares about." "I don't think of you that way." "You always used to say, "l don't care about anything as long as we're all happy and healthy."" "And look at us-- we're all happy and healthy." "We're all healthy." "For now." "Isn't that the only thing that matters?" "I mean, come on, it's Christmas." "What about Jesus?" "Huh?" "You think he cared about gettin' a bunch of gifts on his birthday?" "Rum-pum-pum-pum-- that's all he wanted." "That's true." "Rum-pum-pum-pum." "Look, I'm sorry I lied. I... I lied that night about having a great gift for you, and I lied about coming up with the "Cuckoo-bird" book" "And... I know I took all the credit for it, but... at least you're not going to the ice Capades!" "I'm sorry." "I stink at this." "But it doesn't mean I don't care about you." "In fact... I wouldn't lie half as much if I didn't." "Hi, everybody." " Hey!" " Hey, Marie." "It's December 26th." "It's time to return a few of the gifts I got that weren't quite right." "Does anybody have anything they'd like brought back?" "No." "We're fine, Marie." "Yeah." "We're very happy." "Good." "Great." "Hey, Marie, isn't that the bowl I gave you?" "Okay, then." "Merry Christmas!" "You like this?" "Shh!" "Here comes Snoopy." " Yay!" " Yay!"