"(engine starts)" "Jerry Seinfeld:" "This is a 1968 Firebird 400 in solar red." "The 400 was the most powerful Firebird you could buy in 1968." "Picture yourself." "You're a kid living in Syosset, Long Island." "You're a comedy nerd." "Your life is a total zero." "You sit home every day watching Mike Douglas, Merv Griffin," "Johnny Carson, and David Letterman." "What car could possibly break you out of your miserable loserness?" "This is that car." "Because it's got rally wheels, hood-mounted tach, auxiliary gauge clusters, sport wood steering wheel, rear mount antenna, and custom exhaust tips." "But at over $3,000, it's not something you'd ever be able to afford." "Your parents aren't going to buy it for you." "It's not even that good of a car to begin with." "But you live on Long Island, you don't know any better." "This is as high as you could dream." "The boy that I'm talking about is my very special guest this week, Mr. Judd Apatow, the very talented comedian, filmmaker, and comedy super geek." "If he had a car like this, we would never have all this fantastic entertainment that he has made." "So today I'm going to give him a chance to see what it might have been like if he would've had this car at that time and could have made his escape from Syosset." "(telephone rings)" "Judd:" "Yes, sir?" "Jerry:" "Judd?" "Nobody really knows if it's Apa-toe or Apa-tow." "It's Apa-tow, but if people say Apa-toe," "I don't mind 'cause it sounds fancier." "Yeah, it sounds like a dance step." "I wasn't sure if coffee implied hamburger or not?" "And a chocolate shake." "Sure." "Chocolate shake and a burger for breakfast," "I love that idea." "Let's do it." "I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is..." "Hello." "Jerry:" "Wow, look at this." "So much stuff." "There's stuff, yeah." "I like to see everything." "Is this where you write when you're writing something?" "Yes." "This is where I write." "I try to do it in the morning before it gets too busy." "That is hilarious." "That is 1989." "I was doing stand up then." "And then I found a picture of us with Garry." "Oh, my god." "At "The Larry Sanders Show."" "And here's the other thing I was going to show you." "On your episode, you said to Garry," ""What becomes of all of David Brenner's jokes?"" "Material, yeah." "So you go, "What happens to all of Garry's jokes?"" "I have them." "This is all his, like, set lists and joke journals, and his Rolodex." "Ah." "Garry's service, he had a service." "Back then you'd call your service, "Do I have any calls?"" "Yeah." ""Any calls for me?"" "And I have a funny one of Jay." "You're 16 there?" "Yeah." "Jay said it looked like "To Catch a Predator."" "(both chuckle)" "You know, I interviewed you twice back then." "I did 50 of those interviews, from Jay, and Harold Ramis, and John Candy." "And I just grilled everybody." "I didn't even air almost any of the interviews." "They were just for me." "I knew no one cared." "And it really was like a textbook, and when I went to college, I thought," "I don't need to know any of this, 'cause people like you explained everything in great detail, and that's how I felt." "I left college after a year and a half." "You know what I found that's so funny?" "I was going through my hoarding." "This is when I interviewed you in 1983." "We got to do the same pose." "That's it." "All right, let's get rolling." "Let's get a hamburger." "Things like this that are sexy make me uncomfortable." "'Cause, like, I don't feel sexy." "Of course you don't, you're not." "That's where the car takes over." "I have no interest in good-looking people in movies." "No." "Like, I would like "Bourne Identity" much better if it starred George Wendt." "I had no car." "My dad didn't buy me a car." "Of course you had no car." "It's written all over your face." "That's my car." "Yeah, that's fine." "That does not let me down." "It doesn't lift you up, either." "(engine revs)" "Nice." "You're in Syosset..." "I'm in Syosset." "...and you get into this." "Mom, Dad, "When are you coming back, Judd?"" "Yeah." ""I have no idea."" "I remember I was just starting out, and I did this bit I used to do which was a letter to my starving child in a South American country." "And I slipped it in right before bringing you on, you know how an emcee does, try to get a joke in." "Yeah, yeah." "And you walked on stage and you went," ""That was funny."" "And it kept me going for about two years." "What do you want from life at this point?" "Me?" "Yeah." "Well, who else?" "(laughs)" "Am I talking to the dashboard?" "You've achieved so much." "Yeah." "Dreams you never even had." "So now..." "Now what?" "Now what?" "Well, you know, I started doing stand up again two years ago, and it's very difficult and really fun to do something that you've always wanted to do, so in a way," "I feel like I made all those movies just to get good spots at The Improv." "That's hilarious." "(chuckles)" "So you did "The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon."" "Yes." "It was a terrific set." "Any accurate drawing of a Jewish person is inherently anti-Semitic." "A perfect drawing of me is like Nazi propaganda." "(audience laughs)" "I mean, that really was the only dream, to do "The Tonight Show."" "To do "The Tonight Show." Right." "Right before I did it, Louis C.K. sent me an email, and it explained exactly how to do the "Tonight Show."" "With specific directions." "Like when you walk out to the music, don't bob your head, the music's not for you." "I am so excited about what we're going to eat." "Who decided that a hamburger's not a breakfast food?" "Humans." "So my mom, she was having financial problems, and she needed to buy a car." "And she got a Mercedes." "And I said, "Mom, why didn't you buy a Camry so that you had money to spend on things like food?"" "And she said, "Because I'm not an animal."" "(laughs)" "It's fun when you first show a movie and the audience likes it, the first time." "But then it's kind of gone." "A movie just drifts off and at some point, you feel you didn't make it." "You know, it's not like stand up where you can experience it every night with the crowd and you have this visceral human experience." "The funny thing about making a movie is you have to convince people that it will make money." "Right." "But you don't know if it will." "Right." "When a movie bombs, you feel pain for a while." "I always say if you make three mega bombs, you're out of the business." "If you have a huge bomb, they'll let you do another, if that bombs, they'll let you do a cheaper one, and if that bombs, you're done." "The idea of this show is we have a good time." "Yeah." "I've tried to remove all the annoyances of a talk show." "Yes." "The first being, I don't really want to talk to this person." "(both laugh)" "So all guests you like?" "Yeah." "Isn't this great?" "How funny is this guy?" "Harvey Korman may be the funniest of all time." "Yeah." "Oh, look at Leno." "I hate when they trick you into doing the toilet shot." "Never do the toilet shot." "Look at the Carson shot!" "Look at the look on his face though." "You're entertained just by the look in his eye." "Yeah." "That's what I thought was funny, is Shandling seemed like they were buddies from moment one, like they were comfortable." "Garry was very, very poised." "Yeah." "I envied Garry's poise." "Yeah." "I didn't have that." "Oh, did you ever just feel like you landed in heaven?" "Yeah." "We're in heaven." "Have you ever seen a table that wants hamburgers and chocolate shakes on it?" "No, this is it." "This is it." "Yeah." "And a chocolate milk shake." "People don't generally recognize me." "But if I walk down the street, and somebody says," ""Are you Judd Apatow?"" "if I say no, they go, "All right."" "(laughs)" "One of the reasons why I stopped doing stand up and performing is that Adam Sandler and I auditioned for Jim Henson." "And afterwards, I heard," ""Jim Henson doesn't want to give you the job." "He thought you lacked warmth."" "It's like Hitler telling you you don't have the killer instinct." "Now when you stopped doing stand up, how many year break, 22 years?" "I took a 22-year break, but I hated not being part of the community." "This never happens." "This?" "This never happens." "You're not with other comedians, the whole social..." "But if you have a comedian in the movie?" "Yeah, but you shoot three months and then you work on it for a year and a half alone." "Oh, I see." "I was so happy with how "Freaks and Geeks" came out, that in my head, I thought, "My career is basically over." ""I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish, and everything else is gravy."" "Wow." "And so nothing else matters." "I can experiment, I can do anything, because I did what I wanted to do perfectly, once." "That is very healthy." "I don't think you need to go to the shrink anymore." "I think you're right." "Are you anti-therapy?" "Kind of, yeah." "Because it seems self-perpetuating." "I could talk with anybody." "You could say to me, "What's bothering you?"" "I'll go for an hour." "(laughs)" "When Garry died, they decided not to do an autopsy because what was really the point?" "And then I see Albert Brooks, and he's like," ""Was there an autopsy?"" "I'm like, "Uh, no, they decided there was no reason."" "And he's like, "Well, there is a reason, so I could know what happened and try to avoid it."" "At the memorial, everybody who spoke all said things that Garry had said to them, and every person who spoke killed with it." "Garry's lawyer rips the roof off the place quoting Garry." "You know, people responded at Garry's memorial to you and Garry, and it's a big way." "Oh, that's nice." "There's something about him that encompasses, like, the human struggle." "Like he was trying so hard to be happy, and to find peace, and to let go of his ego." "You're making me sad." "And he touched people very deeply." "And Garry always said the "Larry Sanders Show"" "is about people who love each other, but show business gets in the way." "I need that cheeseburger so bad right now." "How hard is it to make a cheeseburger?" "It's a diner." "Where is it?" "(bell dings)" "Judd:" "Here's the thing I do when it comes to food," "I always find a rationalization why it's okay." "Oh, really?" "You're the one that does that?" "(laughs)" "Do you find there's anything with money that makes you happy more than simple things?" "Oh, yeah." "(both laugh)" "I never have anything I want to buy." "I have no item that I like that costs anything." "You have no taste." "(laughs)" "Both my kids are really funny, and my daughter, who's 13, the other night she says," ""I don't want you and mom to have sex."" "And I go, "What are you talking about?"" "And she goes, "Six months ago, I walked up to the door and heard you have sex, and it really freaked me out."" "Maybe you were just trying to get a plug in an outlet." "(laughs)" "I think we were watching like "Narcos."" "I think she heard, like, Escobar have sex." "Yeah, right." "Actually, that is an interesting marker, is at what age kids are allowed to have tattoos without permission." "Never." "I just don't like the idea of it." "Draw on a piece of paper if you want to draw." "I could not make that any better." "I feel like I don't want to know where this place is 'cause I might just go back all the time." "It's like when I was a very young man," "I did mushrooms, and I went to see" "Frank Sinatra and Don Rickles on mushrooms." "And my friend, on mushrooms, was brought on stage by Rickles and we had the best night of our lives." "We talked about it for years, we would just call each other and just go like, That was the best night of our lives, right?"" "After then afterwards, I said to my friend, "Can I get more mushrooms?"" "And he said, "Oh, I lost the contact of the guy."" "'Cause he could see in my eyes I was about to do mushrooms every day for the rest of my life." "So, you relate that to this burger?" "Exactly." "Don't tell me where this diner is." "What is it when someone's funny?" "Why do we love them so much?" "You know, when I was a kid, I loved that people were saying," ""All of this makes no sense."" "The whole setup of this life is crazy and who's rich and who's poor, and who has power and the emotional life of people, and spirituality, and I love that comedians decoded it all." "I love that comedians do that." "I don't think I could survive without it." "Nothing goes better with a cup of coffee than an Acura TLX." "What does that mean?" "That's, uh, contractually obligated product placement." "That doesn't even make any sense." "I'm legally bound!" "When I was a kid, my parents got divorced and my mother got a job seating people at the East End Comedy Club in South Hampton." "What?" "I could not have loved it more." "I watched every single show for an entire summer." "I always thought," ""My mom couldn't have gotten paid any money to seat people at a comedy club."" "No." "What do you pay a woman to seat people, 50 bucks?" "And how embarrassing is it as an upper-middle-class woman" "who has a horrible divorce." "Right." "And she knew I loved comedy." "And I think she must have, on some level, thought," ""Judd would love this."" "That's sweet." "And I remember Lenny Schultz came in." "And Lenny Schultz had that crazy act, and how it ended was they put plastic down on the stage." "He would put on this Italian opera music, he'd have a big thing of spaghetti, and he would lip-sync and throw the spaghetti in his face." "It ended, like, pouring milk over his head and cracking eggs on his head." "Yeah, yeah." "And then he would come in the kitchen and jump in the giant sink, and I would have to pour buckets of water over his head to get all the spaghetti and eggs off of him." "And I could not have been happier." "I think we got that done." "Fantastic." "I think there's 17 minutes in there." "No question." "(both laugh)" "Jerry:" ""Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee"" "will be right back after this brief word from our sponsor." "Well, I don't necessarily believe in God." "Like, the only way I could process being a human being is to examine it and learn, and also to mock everything and to see the ridiculousness of it, because there's no order in my mind." "I don't even know what you're talking about." "(Judd laughs)" "(engine revs)"