"DEAN:" "Dad wants us to pick up where he left off." "Saving people, hunting things." "[SCREAMS]" "Family business." "There's a really good cure for a hangover." "It's a greasy pork sandwich served up in a dirty ashtray." "SAM [GROANS]:" "Oh, I hate you." "I know you do." "SAM:" "We're not gonna start that." "DEAN:" "Start what?" "SAM:" "That prank stuff." "It's stupid and it always escalates." "DEAN:" "What's the matter, Sam?" "Afraid you're gonna get a little Nair in your shampoo?" "Just remember you started it." "[LATIN MUSIC BLARES]" "DEAN:" "What the--?" "SAM:" "One: me." "That's all you got?" "That's weak." "You're a frigging jerk." "You smell like a toilet." "Chicken." "Jerk." "Bitch." "Shut up." "Wuss." "Bitch." "Jerk." "[SNIFFS]" "[SAM SNORTS THEN LAUGHS]" "Well, bring it on, baldy." "Excuse me." "Are you lost?" "No, I've been waiting for you, professor." "Huh." "Ah, you're in one of my classes?" "Don't you recognize me?" "[CHUCKLES] Well...." "Uh, they're big classes." "Anyway, my office hours are Tuesday and Thursday mornings." "Really?" "I was hoping I could see you now." "Um...." "Well, since you asked so nicely, come on." "Such a handsome photo." "[COX LAUGHS]" "That old thing?" "So, what can I do for you?" "How's the Anscombe paper coming?" "Uh, professor, I...." "[SCOFFS]" "Uh...." "I have a confession to make." "Oh, what's that?" "I'm not really one of your students." "Really?" "Then why are you here?" "Maybe I should just go." "Wait." "I get it." "I understand how you're feeling and it's only natural." "You are young and wide-eyed and I'm somewhat of a celebrity around here." "Don't get me wrong, you're a very beautiful girl but it would be wrong of me to take advantage of you." "I just, uh...." "I just respect you too much." "Oh, my God." "What?" "Don't you like me anymore?" "[BOOKS CLATTERING]" "Don't you want me?" "[HARD THUD]" "[JAMES GANG'S "WALK AWAY" PLAYS ON RADIO]" "Takin' my time Choosin' my line" "[DEAN CHEWS NOISILY]" "Looks like my stop Don't want to get off" "Got myself hung up on you" "Dude, you mind not eating those on my bed?" "You don't want to talk about it" "No, I don't mind." "You just turn your pretty head And walk away" "[SAM SIGHS]" "How's the research going?" "You know how it's going?" "Slow." "You know how it would go a heck of a lot faster?" "If I had my computer." "Mm." "Places I've known Things that I'm growing" "Don't taste the same without you" "Can you turn that down, please?" "Yeah, absolutely." "[MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER]" "And I find myself starving without you" "Seems to me" "You know what?" "Maybe, uh...." "Maybe you should just go somewhere for a while, huh?" "Hey, I'd love to." "That's a great idea." "Unfortunately, my car's screwed to hell." "I told you I had nothing to do" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "SAM:" "Hey, Bobby." "Boys." "Hey, Bobby." "It's good to see you again so soon." "Yeah, uh, thanks for coming." "Come on in." "Thank God you're here." "So, what didn't you wanna talk to me on the phone about?" "It's this job we're working we" "[SAM CHUCKLES]" "We weren't sure you'd believe us." "[CHUCKLES] Well, I can believe a lot." "No, yeah, yeah." "I know." "It's just, we've never seen anything like it." "Not even close." "SAM:" "We thought we could use some fresh eyes." "Well, why don't you begin at the beginning?" "Yeah." "Um, all right, please." "So it all started when we caught wind of an obit." "See, a professor took a nosedive from a fourth-story window." "Only there's a campus legend that the building's haunted." "So we pretexted as reporters from the local paper." "We both had the professor for Ethics and Morality." "Yeah?" "So why do you think he did it?" "Who knows?" "He was tenured, wife and kids, his book was, like, a really big deal." "Then again, who's to say it was suicide?" "Jen, come on." "Well, what else could it be?" "Well, you know about Crawford Hall." "No." "I don't, actually." "It's a bunch of crap, a total urban legend." "Yeah?" "Well, Heather's mom went to school here and she knew the girl." "Wait, what girl?" "Like 30 years ago, this girl was having an affair with some professor." "He broke it off." "She jumped out the window and killed herself." "You know her name?" "No." "But they say she jumped from Room 669." "Get it?" "You turn the nine upside down." "[CURTIS CHUCKLES]" "So now she haunts the building." "And anyone who sees her, they don't live to tell the tale." "Well, if no one lives to tell the tale, then how does the tale get told?" "Curtis, shut up." "You know what?" "Uh, thanks a lot, guys." "Excuse me." "[CURTIS LAUGHS THEN JEN SCOFFS]" "[DEAN GROANING]" "Dean, what are you--?" "What are you drinking?" "[BURPS]" "I don't know, man." "I think they're called purple nurples." "Ha, ha." "I think maybe we should go check out the professor's office." "Oh, no, no, no." "I can't right now." "I got some...." "I've got a feisty little wildcat on the hook." "I'm about to, zip, reel her in." "I'll introduce you." "Dean" "Starla." "Starla, hey." "This is my shuttle copilot, Major Tom." "Major Tom, Starla." "Mm, ha, ha." "Enchanté." "Hi." "[STARLA GAGGING]" "Sorry." "Just trying to keep my liquor down." "Ha, ha." "Yeah." "Good job." "Hey, good news." "She's got a sister." "DEAN:" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Hold on a minute." "What?" "Come on, dude." "That's not how it happened." "No?" "So you never drank a purple nurple?" "Yeah, maybe that." "I don't say things like "feisty little wildcat." Her name wasn't Starla." "Then what was it?" "I don't know." "But she was a classy chick." "She was a grad student:" "Anthropology and Folklore." "We were talking about local ghost stories." "Here's to" "Here's to us." "My God, you are attractive." "Thanks, but no time for that now." "You need to tell me about this urban legend." "Please, lives are at stake." "I'm sorry, I just-- I can't even concentrate." "It's like staring into the sun." "Dean, what do you think you're doing?" "Sam, please." "If you wouldn't mind, just give me five minutes here." "Dean, this is a very serious investigation." "We don't have time for any of your blah-blah blah-blah." "Blah-blah blah-blah." "Blah, blah blah blah!" "Blah, blah-blah-blah blah." "Blah!" "Right, and that's how it really happened?" "I don't sound like that." "That's how you sound like to me." "Okay, what's going on with you two?" "Nothing." "It's nothing." "Come on." "Now, you're bickering like an old married couple." "No." "See, married couples can get divorced." "Me and him?" "We're like, uh, Siamese twins." "It's conjoined twins." "See what I mean?" "Look, it...." "We've just been on the road for too long." "Tight quarters, all that." "Don't worry about it." "Okay." "So anyway, we figured it might be a haunting so we went to check out the scene of the crime." "SAM:" "So How long you been working here?" "JANITOR:" "I've been mopping for six years." "There you go, guys." "What the heck's that for?" "Just finding wires in the walls." "Ah, well...." "Not sure why you're wiring up this office." "Not gonna do the professor much good." "Why's that?" "He's dead." "Oh, what happened?" "He went out that window right there." "Yeah?" "Mm-hm." "Were you working that night?" "I'm the one who found him." "SAM:" "You see it happen?" "JANITOR:" "Nope." "I just saw him come up here and, uh...." "Well...." "What?" "He wasn't alone." "[SCOFFS]" "[MUMBLES] Who was he with?" "DEAN:" "Come on." "I ate one, maybe two." "SAM:" "Just let me tell it, okay?" "JANITOR:" "He was with a young lady." "I told the cops about her, but, uh, I guess they never found her." "You saw this girl go in, huh?" "But did you ever see her come out?" "Now that you mention it, no." "You ever see her before around?" "Well, not her." "What do you mean?" "I don't mean to cast aspersions on a dead guy but, uh, Mr. Morality here?" "He brought a lot of girls up here." "Got more ass than a toilet seat." "[LAUGHS]" "One more thing." "Uh, this building, it only has four stories, right?" "Yeah." "So there wouldn't be a Room 669?" "Of course not." "Why do you ask?" "Ah, just curious." "Thanks." "JANITOR:" "Yeah." "Well, no traces of EMF, that's for sure." "And that Room 669 is a load of crap." "So, what do you think, the professor's just a jumper?" "Legend's just a legend?" "I don't know." "I mean, the girl the janitor described, that's pretty weird." "Yeah." "We ought to check out the history of the building." "See if any coed ganked herself there." "Yeah, right." "Dude, were you on my computer?" "No." "Oh, really?" "Dean" "Would you just...." "Don't touch my stuff anymore, okay?" "Why don't you control your OCD?" "But did you dig up anything about the building?" "Or on the suicidal coed?" "No." "History's clean." "Then it's not a haunting." "Maybe not." "To tell you the truth, we're not sure." "What do you mean you're not sure?" "Well, it's weird." "What's weird?" "This next part, we, uh, didn't see it happen ourselves exactly but it's pretty frigging weird, even for us." "[WOOSHING IN DISTANCE]" "[WOOSHING NEARBY]" "[YELLING]" "[GRUNTING]" "[SCREAMING]" "Aliens?" "SAM:" "Yeah." "Aliens?" "Yeah." "Even if they are real, they're sure as hell not coming to Earth and swiping people." "Hey, believe me." "We know." "My whole life, I've never found evidence of an honest-to-God abduction." "It's all just cranks and pranks." "Yeah, that's what we thought." "But we figured we'd at least talk to the guy." "Hey, you gotta give those purple nurples a shot." "Phew, ha, ha." "[SAM CLEARS THROAT]" "So, what happened, Curtis?" "You won't believe me." "Nobody does." "Give us a chance." "I do not want this in the papers." "Off the record then." "I, uh...." "I blacked out and I lost time and when I woke up, I don't know where I was." "Then what?" "They did tests on me." "And, um...." "They, um...." "They probed me." "They probed you?" "Yeah, they probed me." "Again and again, and again, and...." "And again and again, and again, and then one more time." "Yikes." "No and that's not even the worst of it." "How could it get any worse?" "Some alien made you his bitch." "They...." "[STAMMERS] They made me slow dance." "[CHRIS DE BURGH'S "THE LADY IN RED" PLAYING]" "Lady in red" "Is dancing with me" "Cheek to cheek" "There's nobody here" "It's just you and me" "You guys are exaggerating again, huh?" "[IN UNISON] No." "Then this frat boy is just nuts." "We're not so sure." "[CROWD CHATTERING]" "SAM:" "I'm telling you, Dean this was made by some kind of jet engine." "What, you mean some saucer-shaped jet engine?" "Well, what else could it be?" "What the hell?" "I don't know." "No, seriously, dude." "What the hell?" "I don't know." "I mean, first the haunting, now this?" "The timing alone, there's gotta be a connection." "You mean, between the angry spirit and the sexed-up E.T.?" "What could the connection possibly be?" "DEAN:" "But what could we do?" "So we just kept on digging." "So you and this guy Curtis, you're in the same house?" "Yeah." "You heard of what happened to him, right?" "Yeah, he says it was aliens, but, you know, whatever." "Look, man I know this all has to be so hard." "Um, not so much." "But I want you to know I'm here for you." "You brave little soldier." "I acknowledge your pain." "Come here." "[SAM GRUNTS]" "You're too precious for this world." "I never said that." "Well, you're always saying pansy stuff like that." "Well, um...." "Yeah, uh, thanks." "Thanks for the hug." "Yeah." "But, uh, I'm okay." "Really." "To tell you the truth whatever happened to Curtis, he had it coming." "Why's that?" "He's our pledge master." "Put us through hell this semester." "Man, he got off on it." "So now he knows how we feel." "Huh." "It's okay." "It still doesn't make a lick of sense." "But hey, at least there's one connection." "Between what?" "Victims." "The professor and the frat guy." "Ha, they're both dicks." "That's a connection?" "You got anything better to go on, I'd love to hear it." "Where's my laptop?" "I don't know." "I mean, think about it." "A philandering professor gets a dead girl." "A pledge master gets hazed." "I left it in here." "Well, you obviously didn't." "I mean, these punishments, they're almost poetic." "Actually, it'd be more like a limerick, but still" "Okay, hilarious, ha, ha." "Where'd you hide it?" "Your computer?" "Yeah." "Where'd you hide it?" "Why would I take your computer?" "No one else could have." "We keep the door locked." "We never let any maids in." "Look's like you lost it, Poindexter." "Dude, you know something?" "I put up with a lot from you." "What?" "I'm a joy to be around." "Yeah?" "Your dirty socks in the sink." "Your food in the fridge." "What's wrong with my food?" "It's not food anymore, Dean." "It's Darwinism." "I like it." "All I ask from you, the one thing, is that you don't mess with my stuff." "You done?" "You know, how would you feel if I screwed with the Impala?" "It'd be the last thing you ever did." "Did you take his computer?" "Serves him right, but no." "Well, I didn't lose it because I don't lose things." "Oh, that's right, yeah, because he's Mr. Perfect." "Okay, okay." "Why don't you just tell me what happened next?" "There was one more victim." "Right." "Now, we didn't see this one ourselves either." "We kind of put it together from the evidence, but this guy, he was...." "He was a research scientist." "Animal testing." "Yeah, you know, a dick." "Which fits the pattern." "[GROWLING]" "[SNARLING FROM BELOW]" "[MAN GASPS]" "[GROWLS FROM BELOW]" "[SCREAMING]" "DEAN:" "The cops didn't release a cause of death because they had no clue what the cause was." "SAM:" "So we checked it out ourselves." "DEAN:" "Hey." "This ought to be quick." "Bleh." "[BOTH GROAN]" "Okay." "That is just nasty." "Uh, yeah." "Mutilated." "Looks to me like something was hungry." "They identify him yet?" "Yeah, a research scientist at the college." "Guess where his office was, by the way?" "Mm?" "Crawford Hall, same as the professor." "That's right where the frat boy had his close encounter." "Yeah." "Hey, grab me the thing, would you?" "Thanks." "DEAN:" "What is it?" "Looks like a...." "A belly scale?" "A belly scale?" "From what?" "Uh...." "An alligator?" "An alligator in the sewer?" "Come on." "What?" "Well, Dean, it's a classic urban legend." "A kid flushes a baby gator down the toilet and it grows huge in the tunnels." "Yeah, but no one's really ever found one." "They're not real." "Well, neither is alien abduction but something chomped on this guy." "This couldn't get any weirder." "Maybe we should get some help." "I'll call Bobby." "Maybe he's run into something like this before." "I'm sure." "Just your typical haunted-campus, alien-abduction, alligator-in-a-sewer gig." "Yeah, it's simple." "We decided to search the sewer anyway." "So we split up, each taking one end of campus." "Did you find anything?" "Yeah, I found something." "Just not in the sewer." "[GRUNTS]" "Son of a bitch." "Sam!" "You think this is funny?" "It depends." "What?" "Heh, heh." "The car." "What about the car?" "You can't let the air out of the tires." "You're gonna bend the rims." "Whoa, wait a minute." "I didn't go near your car." "Oh, yeah." "Huh." "Then how'd I find this?" "Hey, give me back my money." "Oh, no." "No." "Consider it reparations for, uh, emotional trauma." "Yeah, very funny." "Now give it back." "No." "Dean, I have had it up to here with you." "Yeah?" "Right back at you." "[SAM SCOFFS]" "God, get off me." "Give it back." "[DEAN GRUNTS]" "Okay, I've heard enough." "You showed up about an hour after that." "I'm surprised at you two." "I really am." "Sam, first off, Dean did not steal your computer." "But I" " There's" "Shh." "And, Dean, Sam did not touch your car." "Yeah." "And if you two bothered to pull your heads out of your asses it all would've been pretty clear." "What?" "What you're dealing with." "Uh...." "I got nothing." "Me neither." "You got a trickster on your hands." "[DEAN SNAPS]" "That's what I thought." "What?" "No you didn't" "Well, I gotta tell you you guys were the biggest clue." "What do you mean?" "These things create chaos and mischief as easy as breathing." "And it's got you so turned around and at each other's throats, you can't even think straight." "The laptop." "The tires." "It knows you're onto him." "And it's been playing you like fiddles." "So, what is it?" "Spirit, demon, what?" "Well, more like demigods, really." "There's Loki in Scandinavia." "There's Anansi in West Africa." "Dozens of them." "They're immortal and they can create things out of thin air." "Things as real as you and me." "Make them vanish just as quick." "You mean, like an angry spirit or an alien, or an alligator." "The victims fit the m.o. too." "Tricksters target the high and the mighty." "Knock them down a peg, usually with a sense of humor." "Deadly pranks, things like that." "Bobby, what do these things look like?" "Lots of things, but human mostly." "And what human do we know who's been at ground zero this whole time?" "[70'S FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]" "JANITOR:" "Oh, that's a good one." "[WHISTLES]" "Come here." "[GRUNTS]" "Could you eat?" "I could eat." "Come on." "[DOG WHINING]" "Something's missing." "WOMAN:" "Mm!" "[JANITOR CHUCKLES]" "[JANITOR MOANS]" "[WOMEN GIGGLING]" "Sorry I'm dragging a little ass today, boys." "I had quite the night last night." "[JANITOR SIGHS]" "Lots of sex, if you catch my drift." "DEAN:" "Yeah, hard not to." "Listen, we won't be long." "We just need to check a couple offices up on three." "No problem." "Oh, damn." "I forgot something in the truck." "You know what?" "I'll catch up with you guys." "Okay." "SAM:" "Just because he reads Weekly World News doesn't mean he's our guy." "You read it too." "DEAN:" "I'm telling you, it's him." "I just think we need some hard proof." "That's all." "Okay, Bobby mentioned that these suckers have a metabolism like an insect." "All right, a real sweet tooth." "I didn't find any candy bars or sugar." "Not even Equal." "You missed something." "I don't miss things." "Oh, right because you're Mr. Perfect." "What?" "Are you still pissed at me because of what the trickster did?" "Oh, come on, man." "You been a tight ass long before that trickster showed up." "Look, just stay here." "Keep an eye on the janitor." "I'll go to his place, see if I can find any evidence before you go barging in and staking the man." "Just wait till I get back, okay?" "Okay?" "Okay." "Ah, screw this." "[BARRY WHITE'S "CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE" PLAYS IN DISTANCE]" "There's many times that we've loved" "We've shared love and made love" "It doesn't seem to me like it's enough" "There's just not enough of it" "There's just not enough" "Oh, oh, babe" "Not really" "My darling, I" "Can't get enough of your love, babe" "Girl, I don't know I don't know why" "Can't get enough of your love, babe" "We've been waiting for you, Dean." "[STAMMERS] You guys aren't real." "Trust me, sugar, it's gonna feel real." "Ha." "Come on." "Let us give you a massage." "Wha...?" "You know, I'm a sucker for a happy ending." "Really, I am but I'm gonna have to pass." "WOMAN:" "Aww." "JANITOR:" "They're a peace offering." "I know what you and your brother do." "I've been around a while, run into your kind before." "Well, then you know that I can't let you just keep hurting people." "Come on." "Those people got what was coming to them." "Hoisted on their own petards." "But you and Sam, I like you." "I do." "So treat yourself, long as you want." "Just long enough for me to move on to the next town." "Yeah, I don't think I can let you do that." "I don't wanna hurt you." "And you know that I can." "Look, man, I gotta tell you, I dig your style." "All right?" "I mean" "I do, I mean, phew." "And the slow-dancing alien?" "[BOTH LAUGH]" "One of my personal favorites." "Yeah." "But I can't let you go." "Too bad." "Like I said, I liked you." "Sam was right." "You shouldn't have come alone." "Well, I'll agree with you there." "[DOOR OPENS]" "That fight you guys had outside, that was a trick?" "Hmm." "Not bad." "But you wanna see a real trick?" "[CHAINSAW REVS]" "[SAM GRUNTS]" "[DEAN GRUNTING]" "[CHUCKLES]" "[WOMAN GRUNTS]" "[DEAN SHOUTS]" "WOMAN:" "Ahh!" "JANITOR:" "Ooh!" "JANITOR:" "Ooh." "DEAN:" "Unh!" "[WOMAN SLAPS DEAN]" "JANITOR:" "Whoa!" "DEAN:" "Ahh!" "Ha!" "Nice toss, ladies." "Nice show." "Dean." "Dean, Dean, Dean." "I did not wanna have to do this." "[DEAN GRUNTS]" "[JANITOR GROANS]" "Me neither." "[CHAINSAW REVS]" "[BOTH GASP]" "[DEAN GRUNTS]" "You guys okay?" "Yeah." "I guess." "Well, I gotta say he had style." "[DEAN GROANS]" "Bobby, thanks a lot." "We couldn't have" "Hey, save it." "Let's just get the hell out of Dodge before somebody finds that body." "SAM:" "Yeah." "Look, Dean, um I just wanna say that I'm, uh...." "Um...." "Hey." "Me too." "You guys are breaking my heart." "Could we please just leave?" "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"