"According to the Guinness Book of World Records, over 1.1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff at the height of his fame." "But where did the viewers go?" "...his comeback tour was pulled by US promoters." "Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up?" "David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy." "According to his UK manager, he's leaving the United States to pursue opportunities in England." "The British relaunch of David Hasselhoff has ended in disgrace, after he was caught performing for a notorious warlord." "After being implicated with child abduction, is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?" "You cheated on me?" "Max and I have decided to part company." "You are a national treasure." "There's just nothing he can't do." "I mean, he wants to do Macbeth, he can do Macbeth." "Romans, countrymen, and lovers!" "I got goosebumps when you did that!" "I'm Max Coleman and I'd like to represent you." " I'm on TV." " Oh!" " Like you used to be!" " Alright!" "Here's a costume." "I haven't worn shorts in television in 20 years!" "Celebrity Cage Fighting!" "Back off!" "No!" "That man there happens to be a great man!" "Who I'm proud to call my friend!" "Thanks, Max!" " Yeah!" " Yeaaah!" "Translation and subtitles by PEPPER  LALASPAIN *** SONG LIVES FOR EVER ***" "[HAVE YOU HEARD OF YORKSHIRE?" "]" " Yorkshire?" " It's kind of like the British..." "French Riviera." "The North of England tends to be about 20, 30 years behind the South, so it's perfect for you." "I've got a big opportunity for you up there." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "It's a gig." "What is it?" "A festival?" " It's kind of like a festival." " Yeah?" " If a festival was a wedding." "It's a wedding?" "You can put it like that, it's a wed..." "I don't do weddings!" "I do festivals, stadiums... weddings?" "No." "This is what I keep telling people." "David Hasselhoff doesn't do weddings." "But this wedding happens to pay £150,000." "How long is it set?" "Patricia and Greg's Wedding Set list." " "Jump in my Car"." " Classic!" " "Crazy for You"." " Classic." " "Looking for Freedom"." " Classic!" ""You're the One that I want"?" "That's from "Grease"!" "It's a duet with a girl!" "I can do that." "Jump with you there, do the girl bit." "I've actually got a very surprisingly supple falsetto." " Is that where they make Yorkshire pudding?" " Yes!" "I've been over here so many years, I've never had Yorkshire pudding." " Put it on the writer." " Put it on the writer." " It's on the writer." " Put Yorkshire pudding on the writer." " I'm gonna stick it on... - £150,000." "And Yorkshire pudding." " Great." "Yeah." " Yeah?" " I've never seen a contract like that but... yeah." "I'm in!" "I didn't think that was gonna be the thing that clinched it but... cool!" "Oi, oi!" "Oh, what's this Danny doing here?" "We're going to the North, mate, we're gonna need reinforcements." "You know what I mean?" "Have you not seen "The Wicker Man"?" "Exactly!" "Oh, I forgot my passport." "I'll be back, I'll be back." "You don't need your passport, Terry." "It's not another country!" "What about the language they speak, those...?" "English!" "They speak English!" " That's English?" " Yes!" "It's Yorkshire!" "You need back-up!" "They eat their young if they don't suckle." "They've got the wrong language." "Everything means something else." ""Ey-up"." "That means:" "Begin sexual intercourse." "I've never actually been out of zone six." "London." "I don't really like to go out the country much." "You know what I mean?" "I'm not..." "I'm not saying I'm racist but I just don't like foreigners." "Alright!" "Let's go get some Yorkshire pudding." " Ha, ha, ha!" " Let's do it!" "Whoa!" "That's what I mean about Yorkshire." "My mum's mate is from Yorkshire." "He just sits in a stoop all day, just eyeballing everyone, just muttering to himself, like John Wayne." "Let's just get back in the car." "We'll be back in London before anyone even knows we were here." "We don't have to do this." "Agh!" "Dave!" "David!" " David!" " Wow!" " My God!" "Agh!" "I can't believe David Hasselhoff is standing over me!" "It was like..." "I mean, I thought, if I got shot, or strangled now, or like a... blow to the head." "And I suddenly died and like haemorrhaged..." "I'd be OK because I've met David." "Oh, my God!" "You're so tall and you're so... brown!" "Yeah!" "I'm from California." "Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm actually meeting you." " Yeah." " I'm shaking." " No, it's OK." " Sorry, my lipstick is sticking to my teeth." " Yeah." " I'm literally your number one fan." " Really?" " In the world." " It's very nice to meet you." "[DAVID, THIS IS PATRICIA, SHE'S THE BRIDE]" "Oh, she's the..." "That's why she's wearing the dress!" "I think there's so many things about David." "His height..." "He's so brown, and... shiny." "It's like he's just a magic conquer." "Congratulations on your wedding day!" " Yes, hi!" " David, what is it like being you?" "Well, I've been myself my whole life so I really don't know what it's like being me..." "David, you're so funny!" "Good man, you can get our luggage, it's in the boot, thank you." "I'm the groom." " Oh, yeah." " Oh, hi!" "Sorry!" "Oh, my God!" "Sorry!" "Congratulations on your special day." "I..." "She's the bride, I'm the groom." " I apologise." " Don't worry, it doesn't matter." " I'm sorry." " I own..." "Lothersdale Motors." "One of the biggest car dealerships in Yorkshire." "OK, great!" "Top regional car sales in the last three years." "Yeah." " Probably four." " Great!" "I have seen you perform live everywhere, haven't I, Greg?" "Germany, I've been everywhere all over Europe." "Oh!" "Erm..." "How was the ceremony?" "Yes, great, yeah, the vicar did a grand job." "It was really special, wasn't it, Patricia?" "Yeah, it wasn't so special as seeing you, David, this is like..." " The absolute highlight." " Right." " Alright, cheers." " Ta-Ra!" "Bye, David!" "I'll see you later, though." "It's our first good-bye." "Greg, don't pull me!" "There you go, lads." "Sorry, could I..." "D'you mind if I get...?" "You alright, mate, how you doing?" "Erm..." "What draught lager have you got?" "Where are you from?" "London." "What... you?" "You got a problem with people from London?" "Well, you're all twats." "Fair enough." "Grandma Sally, Grandma Sally!" "This is David Hasselhoff." "She didn't think you'd come, she'd sit by herself." "Hi!" "Nice to meet you, you look lovely." "He's really tall, Grandma Sally." " That is such a beautiful suit." " Thank you, thank you." "Not like Greg's suit." "I think he got his in the supermarket." "You're so muscly!" "You know what?" "He won an arm-wrestling competition against Arnold Schwarzenegger." "That's not true, it was John Travolta." "You're dead funny, David." "David..." "Hasselhoff." "He was not happy and I didn't..." "you know..." "I don't want to be around somebody who's not happy, who's jealous..." "It's happened to me before, I've been... picked up and thrown into a swimming pool by a jealous husband or jealous boyfriend, because they just had enough." "Greg's a little a little bit, you know, a bit stick-in-the-mud, and... about, you know, dressing up and stuff, and I'm like..." "Really?" "You know, if you just pop a David Hasselhoff mask on, you know, things will so much better for you, you'd get a lot more... out of... the relationship... sex-wise." "You're alright?" "My name's Terry." "Head of Security for the Hoff." "I like your quilty jacket." "Did you get that from London?" "Yeah, yeah, a lovely, little boutique store called "TK Max"." "Your hair is so shiny!" "I like it greasy." "It's filthy, this one!" "Annabelle!" "Why don't you go on with Tricia?" " I was just talk..." " Annabelle!" "Have some self-respect." "Get stuffed, Greg!" "I'm talking to my new friend." "Keep your arms off her." "She's maid of honour." "That means something up here." "Go on." " Sorry, mate, I didn't really..." "I was standing here." " Go on, fuck off!" "Yeah, I got that." "He looked a bit mental, so I thought, leave it, it's not worth it." "You know what I mean?" "I could've got noshed quickly," "But I don't know what the fuck, he looked a bit... you know?" "So, I thought, it's not worth a nosh." "Sometimes, you know, you nosh, you live to nosh another day." "You know, they come up here with their... with their hairdos and, and..." "White teeth and, and... moisturized foreheads and..." "They think butter won't melt in their mouth and it does." "Butter does melt in your mouth." "Greg has the look of a man who's killed before... and he's haunted by it." "But not enough to not do it again." "David!" " David!" " Yeah!" " Come and join us for the photo." "No problem!" "OK!" "All right, hi!" "I just want you right between me and Greg." "I prefer to be on the side." "Oh, no, no, no, this is how I want it, right between me and Greg." "Whoa!" "Why don't you pretend to be Mitch in Baywatch and I'll pretend to be Pammy?" "OK." "All right." "[OUT OF THERE, LOVELY, BANG!" "]" "Excuse me!" "What are you playing at?" "Stop being so fucking charming!" "I'm not being fucking charming!" "She grabbed my ass!" "David, let's have one just you and me." " OK." " Just us together." "Would you mind, sorry, getting right out?" "Thanks ever so much." "Greg, get back, please." " I'm gonna be in it, obviously." " No, just me and David!" " Patricia, I'm the groom!" " Greg, you've been in lots of pictures today." " This is my wedding!" " I know it's your wedding but it's also my wedding, and I want a picture with David, please!" "Sorry, David." "Everybody right out cos I don't want anyone on the edges, Greg." "There we go, David." "Greg!" "[OK, HOLD IT THERE, CLOSE TO YOU AND...]" "Oh, excuse mate, sorry." "Would you mind?" "Could we just get a couple of Weiss beers, please?" "Weiss beer?" "Yeah, wheat beers, they're form Germany..." "No, no, I know what Weiss beer is." "It's just we haven't got any Weiss beers." " Oh." " Even if we did have any Weiss beers, this isn't table service." " Oh." " So, as much as I'd love to scuttle over there and get some Weiss beers and bring them back to you and help you pour them down your small self-satisfied southern suck-hole," "I'm afraid that's a pleasure I'm..." "I'm just gonna have to forgo." " OK." " You're a dick." "Am I being paranoid or is that bloke rude?" "I thought he was rude." "But I didn't know if I was being paranoid, I mean, I sort of..." "I thought, that might be how they all are..." "So, I didn't wanna be, like, sub-culturally insensitive." "Patricia, you look incredible tonight." "You look incredible everyday." "And everyday after that." "I love you in so many ways." "And for so many reasons." "You really know me and you understand me." "And you have this way of bringing out the best in me." "I wrote you a poem." "This is a poem that I wrote myself." "Patricia, you're my pride and thunder." "I love your eyes, your sense of wonder..." "It sounds silly but well, just, you know know one of those little moments when you just catch each other's eye and you're like..." "It was a really special moment." "And I knew..." "I could hear Greg, like, going on in my ear, but..." "Really, I think I was just..." "I don't know..." "You were sent to me from the skies above, I want to be your only love." "I'm so proud that you're my wife, and I will have a lovely life..." "Where's the mike?" "Right, I'm going to make it brief." "We all know how obsessed Patty is with David Hasselhoff." "If she could marry him now, then she would." "And Greg would have to pack his bags." "In fact, if it were up to me, Greg..." "I'm building up to something." "I might as well say it." "I've been holding it in for six months." "Here's something you don't know about Greg." "[OH, NOOOO!" "]" "Greg, you fucking maneuvered ___" "I know it was you." "I know you helped me put up all the signs round town, and pretended to care." "But I've seen the CCTV footage and it was your fucking Audi!" "So, I know it was you!" "You're a dog murderer." "You actually accelerated." "I know I said I wasn't gonna cry." "I did." "And because David Hasselhoff is here today, it truly is a special day for Patty." "At least it means we've got a real man here." "Dick!" "These people are fricking nuts!" "David?" "Patricia, this is our first dance!" "Yeah, I know and David's only here for one night!" "David, d'you want to join us for our first dance?" "Oh, I'm gonna sit this one out because I have to sing really soon." " I can't wait." " OK, all right, thank you." " I love you, David." " Yeah, you look beautiful." " Thank you." " Yeah, all right." "OK, bye!" "All right!" "Yeah!" "This thing's gotta be over like really quick, guys." "Alright, then you can just sing your songs and then, we can go." "Do you think those three guys over there care about me singing?" "Who's gonna kick off, Max?" "It was intimidating," "I felt like I was in a room, surrounded by 50 to 100 clones, of the people who bullied me at school." "OK, one of us needs to introduce David..." "And normally, I'd do it, I don't think this is my audience." "Who's the most "northern"?" "Terry, you're working class..." "You can do it." "Get up there, just say the sort of shit that this scum likes..." "Kind of like, be OK, northern, gov'nor?" " Yeah, that sort of stuff." " Alright, cool." "One, two..." "Yorkshire, mates, the North ways." "Whoooa!" "Ey-up, lads!" "Kind of a northern accent..." "Get in the car!" "What I should've done is just try to blend in, because I would have been able to do that." "I think I could have passed for a northerner." "I want chips!" "And I want gravy with them!" "And I want it now!" "Anyway, erm..." "Could I introduce you to one of my best friends in the world?" "If not the best friend in the world..." "I actually knocked one out to him, not in a gay way... watching Baywatch for Pammy, last frame..." "Hoff." "Poof!" "Everywhere, oh, no!" "So, the only man I've ever climaxed to..." "David Motherfucking Hasselhoff!" "[FOR YOU, FOR YOU!" "]" "♪ Come on and jump in my car, ♪" "♪ I wanna take you home. ♪" "♪ Come on and jump in my car, ♪" "♪ It's way too far walk on your own. ♪" "♪ No, thank you, Sir!" "♪" "♪ Ah, come on, I'm a trustworthy guy... ♪" "♪ No, thank you, Sir!" "♪" "Some people might just go: "Oh, Jump in my car is like a stupid pop song"." "And..." "You know, I think, when people say that," "I just, like, laugh in my head, like... to myself, because I think, actually, it's really complex..." "It's like, "Get in the car..."" "And they're like:" ""No, we don't want to..."" "And of course, they really do want to get into his car..." "And then it kind of all changes," "And you're like: "Oh, they're never gonna get in the car"" "And then it's like: "Oh, my God, they're gonna get in the car!"." "♪ Oh, little girl I wouldn't ♪ ♪ tell you no lies. ♪" "♪ You're all the same!" "♪" "[AND YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!" "]" "[YOU CAN HAVE YOUR RING BACK!" "]" "♪ No, you didn't I was ♪ ♪ catching my breath, ♪" "♪ and look it's starting to rain and ♪ ♪ baby you'll catch your death. ♪" "♪ Well, I dunno!" "♪" "♪ Ah, come it comes nothing to try ♪" "♪ and you'll arrive home nice and dry. ♪" "Max!" "Let's get out of here." "Jump in my car!" "At that moment, I realized, Oh, my God, here we go again." "I don't care about pudding, I don't care about money..." "let's get out of here." "What the fuck?" "Who slashed my tyres?" "It's a space waggon!" "It must have been Greg or one of the fucking "Hills have Eyes"." "What the fuck are we gonna do now?" "We're trapped!" "Right, we've got rooms here, let's spend the night!" "No.no, I'm not going back in there, no way." "We can't stay in there, they're gonna kill us." "We're fucked!" "Part of me just said:" ""Why don't we just sleep in the boot"?" "We lock the..." "I mean, the tyres are out, we get in the boot," "All of us, we'll lock it, from the inside, just wait til sun-up." "But David's got his nagging:" ""Oh, I don't want to be in the boot..."" "In there, there's four, five scary northerners..." "Out there, there's fucking thousands of them!" "At least, we know we got shelter, we've got booze, we've got the biggest Iceland buffet I've ever seen..." "Oh!" "Oh, God, I've been looking for you everywhere." "I am so sorry, I'm so sorry about Greg." "Oh, no, that's OK." "We were just outside getting some fresh air and..." " Where is Greg?" " Yeah, where is he?" "He's gone off with his dickhead mates, he won't be back for ages." "They're all gonna get pissed, they'll all be drinking whisky somewhere." " I'm really sorry, I feel awful." " No, it's OK." "Just really wanted to have like a toast with you on my wedding day." "But you probably don't wanna drink." " Let's have a toast!" " Would you mind?" " I don't drink, though." " I know, I know." " I got you an orange juice freshly squeezed premium..." " Thank you." "So it's got the bits in." "Yeah, OK." "All right?" " Hmmm." " To my wedding day." " Yeah, to your wedding day." " OK." "Oh, wow, OK!" "Hmm.." "Hmm." "[I DON'T CARE]" " Why are you in my bed?" " My bed." " This is my bed, innit?" " Why am I so hung over?" "I had one drink, they wouldn't serve me all night." "I feel like someone shat in my mouth." "What happened last night?" "I can't remember, I blacked out." "I don't know." "What's the last thing you remember?" "David was singing and there was a man who did like he was going to kill him." "Let's just get ready and go." "Yes, please." "Oh!" "Why have I got a boner?" "What happened last night?" "It's the morning boner." "Morning boners don't carry meaning." "Oh, thank God!" "Let me just wank this off and then, we'll go, yeah?" "No time!" "Do it in the car." "I can't feel my legs!" "I can't feel my legs!" "David?" "Oh, my God!" " Fuck!" " Yeah, look at this." "Classic signs of a struggle." "He's not falling off the waggon again, is he?" "No, probably just letting off steam.." "Hold on, why is the window open?" "Why he left his phone?" "He never leaves his phone." "Hold on, look, there's a note." ""Hi, guys!"" ""Hope you slept well."" ""Just going back to London"." ""Done..."" " "Don't" - "Don't wait for me, Tara"." ""David Hasselhoff"." "He's going back to London with Tara?" "He signed it "David Hasselhoff"." "Isn't that a bit formal?" "Who the fuck was Tara?" "Ta-Ra!" " Oh!" " Hold on." "That's northern language." "Oh, shit!" "David!" "You're alright, mate?" "Have you seen David Hasselhoff about?" "OK, mate." "I get it." "I know you hate me..." "I know you hate my face, and everything that comes out of my mouth and... anyone who doesn't live within one mile of you, I do understand that." "but I'm just asking you a question, mate." "Have you seen David Hasselhoff ?" "He's American." "Orange?" "He's hot a deep sadness behind the eyes." "Maybe he couldn't handle his Weiss beer." "Ha, ha, ha!" "That's because of the joke that he made la... the other day..." "I got it, I got it." "Listen, mate..." "I don't give a fuck about you." "I don't give a fuck who you're looking for..." "I just don't give a fuck!" "Move!" "Cheers, mate, thanks so much for your help, you've been absolutely brilliant, we will be all over TripAdvisor, six stars all the way for you." "No, no, don't do that cos it would make him look good!" "Alright, Patricia?" "You sleep well, boys?" "Oooh, how we all doing?" "All a bit hung over, I imagine, naughty, naughty, naughty!" "So, you were doing the snake..." "Sorry, what?" " Underworm?" " What's the worm...?" "Did you get your cock out?" "The break-dancing competition." "You won it!" " Really?" " Yeah!" "We don't seem to be able to find David." "D'you know where he is?" "Last night was a bit of a whirlwind, I'm afraid." "I still can't believe he sang at my wedding!" " Do you know where your husband is?" " Greg?" "No, I don't know." "He didn't come back last night." "He's sometimes like this." "He gets in one of his dark moods." "Although he hasn't actually been violent for at least 12 months, so..." " Oh, that's good." " Yeah." "He's probably sat outside in his car listening to Adele records." "That's what he does when he gets in a strop." "Why would he be in a strop?" "I told him I took all the money out of our savings to pay for David to sing at our wedding." "Anyway, I'd better go for a bit of a lie down in my room." "I'll see you all later, boys." "Greg's got a bit of a temper, and that's... you know..." "It's nice cos it's, you know..." "And everyday it's a little bit different." "You don't know if he's going to be like..." "Grumpy and horrible, or quite nice." "But at the end of the day, it's all fun, we've never had to call... well, we've called the police maybe..." "Twice... three..." "About..." "less than five times." "I could count the number of times we've called the police on one hand." "This is your fault, Terry." "This is your fault!" "You're meant to be head of security, you should not have lost him." "No, this is your fault, Max." "You booked him in a place without researching what sort of people they were." "Oh, my fault, is it?" "My fault?" "For actually booking David a gig?" "Yeah, in fucking Narnia where they're all psychopaths!" "Right!" "Well, Narnia was fictional, and they were all nice in Narnia." " If they were so nice, why would they waste Valiant..." " Because there's a story, mate." "Say, listen!" "Stop arguing!" "We need to find the Hoff!" "He could be anywhere right now!" "Why is that car moving?" "That's an Audi." "It's Greg's car!" "Hoff could be trapped in the boot!" "Ey-eh?" " Alright?" " Alright?" " Alright?" "You lot were pretty wasted last night." "What time did you go to bed?" "Pretty late." "And you I meant to ask..." "I'm arranging a trip to London next month." "Where's the best place for lunch?" "Is it Harrod's?" " Yeah, yeah..." " Probably, yeah." " That's true." " D'you know where Greg is?" " Greg?" "I think I did see him!" "He was heading over to the lake." "He had a face like thunder." "See you later!" "Oh, my God." "What's he doing?" "What's in those bags?" "Body parts." "Ah, shit!" "What have you done with David Hasselhoff?" "You ruined everything for me." "Why would you do that?" "Why would you come up here and ruin everything?" "David Hasselhoff was a good man, he deserved better than this!" " What are you talking about?" " You couldn't handle it, could you, Greg?" "You couldn't handle your new wife's love for another man." "And then, when you found out about the money..." "Well, that was the kicker." "That's what really hurt." "So, you decided to kill David Hasselhoff." "But you had to deal with his entourage..." "Didn't you?" "You had to throw him off the Seven." "So, you wrote a note..." "A note from David saying that he'd gone to London." "But that's where you made your first mistake." "You ended that note with the word "Ta-Ra"." "A word David would never use!" "You used your own dialect, Greg!" "What did you write it on?" "You wrote it on Lothersdale..." "Motors..." "Notepaper!" "Your own car dealership." "Greg..." "You messed with the wrong entourage, buddy." "We're too smart for you!" "We know what you did!" "You killed David..." "You chopped him up!" "You put his body parts in bin bags..." "And now you're throwing him in the lake!" "Like some Russian whore!" " Presents." " Yeah, he had presents!" "David had presents in abundance!" "But not anymore!" "Admit it, Greg!" "Admit what you did!" "Say it!" "Say what you did!" "You killed David Hassel... ♪ [CRAZY FOR YOU...] ♪" "♪ [YOU'RE CRAZY FOR...] ♪" "Sounds like David." "Oh, sorry about that!" "Totally the wrong end of the stick." "[DAVID!" "]" "[DAVID!" "]" "[NO!" "NOOO!" "]" "Sounds like he's in trouble." "♪ [CRAZY FOR YOU!" "] ♪" "♪ [CRAZY FOR ME!" "] ♪" "Push it in." "♪ [LIKE THE SAND AND SEA...] ♪" "Could you just give me five minutes?" "He gave us the nod, I know what the nod means..." "The nod means:" ""Let me get back to singing while this woman pretends to crush my bones with her heels"." "Sing it again, David!" "Ahhh!" "♪ Crazy for you!" "... ♪" " Faster, faster, faster!" " ♪ Crazy for me...!" "♪" " Like you mean it, David!" "♪" " I will be for ever... ♪" "♪ Crazy for you!" "♪" "Hoff, you kinky bastard!" "You know what I mean?" "He's..." "Female Hoff, yeah?" "He tries that like a gentleman but he is fucking disgusting, mate." "I think it just showed that..." "When he's in a really difficult spot..." "And he's bound to a bed..." "He can still perform." "And, erm, you know..." "He still carried on singing, and I thought that really said a lot about him, that, you know, even in a kind of hostage type situation, he could still deliver." "Let's put on a show!" "But first, let's have some fun." "If he wants to write a play about Lawrence of Arabia, who's to say he can't?" "I think the play needs some songs." "Songs?" " Yeah." " D'you know the band "Roxette"?" "What if they give Lawrence a jet pack?" "A jet pack?" "I wanna do something artistic, Dieter." "I wanna do something truthful." "I want the Hasselhoff to bone an entire village...!" "Of the brown people." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Oh, my Daisy!" "Is that Tulisa?" "Hey, Terry!" "Money can make people act strange." "I am the Anti-Christ!" "Oh, my two favourite smells:" "leather and pussy." "I'm out of here." "I'm gone!" "Who's with me?" "Translation and subtitles by PEPPER  LALASPAIN *** SONG LIVES FOR EVER ***"