"In the last episode of Soap," "Jessica believes that Chester is dead, but he is not, and, banging his head, he's now remembered he's Chester Tate, and is on his way home, if it's not too late." "At home, of course, Donohue and Jess have fallen in love, as you probably guessed." "Mary told Burt what Sally said." "He said she lied." "Mary said, "Drop dead."" "Corinne gave birth to a baby boy, but Tim, in a cave, couldn't share the joy." "Very confused?" "Do you feel like a dope?" "You won't, if you stay tuned for..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is..." "Soap." "Oof." "Go back to bed, Corinne." "I'll do it." "No, I'll do it." "Come on." "Shh." "If I argue with you, I'll wake up." "Go to bed." "Oh, God, I'm waking up!" "Then go to sleep, Corinne." "Where's the door?" "This is it." "This is wonderful." "Every four hours, that baby wakes up to eat, and every four hours when that baby wakes up to eat, it wakes me up, and I eat too." "By the time he sleeps through the night," "I'll weigh 400 pounds." "What kind of men are they drafting these days?" "Come on, Gramps." "Listen to him." "We're all homesick, but do you hear us carrying on like that?" "Hi, Benson." "Hi, Mary." "Did the baby wake you up too?" "No." "All of you woke me up." "The baby don't bother me at all." "It's the rest of you." "Now, I made up a schedule." "You've got this feeding." "Corinne's got the 7:00," "Eunice has got the 11:00, and so on and so on and so on." "That way, you all can stop arguing about it and not wake me up." "Benson, I notice that your name isn't on this list." "Don't you want to take a feeding?" "No, thanks." "I never eat this late at night." "Hi, Mary." "Hi." "What in the world are you doing up this late?" "It's 3:00 in the morning." "Letting Corinne sleep." "Oh." "How was your date?" "Very nice." "Oh, tell me everything that happened." "Well, I went to his apartment." "Yes." "And he cooked dinner!" "Yeah." "And we ate it." "And then?" "And then, uh, we had dessert." "Jessie, get to the good part." "This is the good part." "Didn't you go to bed with him?" "No." "No?" "No." "Oh, Jess." "Gee, you sound more disappointed than he did." "I thought you liked him." "I do." "I do, and I wanted to." "I mean, I really did." "But then when it came time to..." "Well, I couldn't." "I mean, I..." "I just couldn't be unfaithful to Chester." "Jessie, Chester is dead." "And even when he was alive, he was no saint." "Mm." "If it was me, I'd jump at the chance." "I can't wait to have an affair." "Mary, Burt is still alive." "What difference does that make?" "We're finished." "The man has slept in more beds than Washington." "I want an affair." "I want a beautiful, storybook, romantic, never-to-be-forgotten affair, and if I can't have that," "I'll settle for a one-night stand." "I had an affair once." "I know." "I don't think I like them." "Why?" "Well, I don't know." "There's something really nice about being with one person all your life." "I mean, you don't have to explain your scars to him, and you don't have to keep your chin all up all the time... you know, so it doesn't double... and you don't have to lie in the one position" "where nothing sags." "I mean, Mary, try making love propped up on one elbow with your hand behind your head." "Oh, my God, you're right." "And in the morning..." "To be seen in the morning?" "I mean, Burt's used to me, but a strange man?" "I mean, he'd take one look at me and leave the bed in a rocket." "Well, an affair is one thing, but love is something else." "I've even scared myself in the morning." "Detective Donohue loves me." "You know, Mary, I don't think that he would care what I looked like." "I could have an affair only if the man was blindfolded." "Detective Donohue thinks I'm wonderful, and because he loves me," "I'm the most beautiful thing that ever lived." "Oh, Jessie, do you realize that because of the way I look in the morning" "I can never have an affair?" "I could kill Burt." "Mary?" "I'm going to have an affair with Detective Donohue." "Now?" "No, silly." "I have to get some sleep." "I want to look my best." "I mean, love may be blind, but there's a limit." "Who is it?" "United Parcel." "Oh, you lied!" "I lied?" "I lied?" "Me?" "You tell my wife" "I've been in more motels than the Gideon Bible, and I lied?" "Don't hurt me." "Please, don't hurt me." "Sit down, Sally." "My God, you're gonna kill me!" "He's gonna kill me!" "I ought to." "Oh, Burt, please." "I had to do it." "I had to." "You don't..." "Don't shoot!" "Please, don't shoot!" "What?" "Who's..." "What's shooting?" "Help!" "Help!" "He's gonna kill me!" "Help!" "This is New York." "Who's gonna come?" "Help!" "Oh, please!" "Sally, Sally, Sally, hang on." "Now, I'm not here to kill you." "Please." "Now, just shut up and sit down." "You're not gonna kill me?" "No." "Do you swear?" "I swear to you." "Sit down." "I'm here..." "I'm here to find out why you did what you did." "Why you told Mary the things you told her." "I can't tell you." "You can't tell me?" "No." "I spend one drunk night here that I don't even remember, and you tell my wife I've been sleeping with you, a pom-pom girl, and Grandma Moses, and you can't tell me why?" "That's right." "Killing's looking like a great idea here." "If it's any help, the reason you can't remember what you did the night you were here is because you didn't do anything." "I didn't do anything?" "That's right." "You mean I admitted something awful to Mary that I never even did?" "I'm sorry." "We didn't?" "You couldn't." "I couldn't, so we didn't?" "I'm not saying we wouldn't, but you couldn't, so we didn't." "But you would have if I could have?" "Of course." "But we didn't?" "We didn't." "Oh, God!" "I gotta tell Mary." "Come with me." "She's never gonna believe me." "I can't!" "I've gotta get out of town." "No, Sally..." "Oh, my God." "Burt!" "Quick, hide." "Hide..." "Who am I hiding from?" "Get in the closet!" "Why am I hiding?" "I can't tell you." "Please." "Fine." "I'm not hiding." "I'm... being blackmailed." "Yeah, so?" "So if you think things have been bad for you up until now, if you're seen here, they're going to get much worse." "I gotta hide." "So how's the little home wrecker?" "Going somewhere?" "Listen, I did what you asked." "Just give me the film." "The Campbells are apart?" "Yes." "And they are miserable?" "Yes." "Destroyed?" "They're miserable." "You said you wanted miserable." "I want them destroyed!" "They're destroyed." "It's hard to tell." "They're so miserable you could hardly even see a facial expression." "And this is just the beginning." "This is just practice." "I will wipe out both those sisters for taking my Corinne from me." "You haven't seen nothing yet." "I'm sure we haven't." "Could I please just have..." "You know, I sort of hate to give it up." "It's so original." "Tell me, where in the world did you find all those midgets?" "Ah, the magic of celluloid." "Here." "Love the hot tub sequence." "I am surprised you didn't drown." "I don't believe it." "She's back?" "I just don't believe that." "Oh, Burt." "I'm so sorry." "Oh, Sally, come on." "It's all right." "Don't cry, now." "It's over." "It's all over." "What I did to you is so horrible." "Come on." "It's all right." "My brother was sick." "I mean, he was really sick, and he needed money, so I did this." "I'm so ashamed." "Oh, Sally, what a shame." "Don't be..." "Come on, what you did for your brother and your family here was..." "was a wonderful thing." "I think you're a very brave lady." "I'm rotten and I'm ashamed." "Sally, come on." "Don't talk like that." "Ho..." "Holy cow!" "How can I ever face you again?" "Good God." "Burt, forgive me." "Hey, it's okay." "It's just everything is..." "everything is..." "Boy, are you limber." "I'll disappear, Burt." "I'm gonna get on a plane, and I'm gonna go far away." "I'll never hurt you again." "Oh, God forgive me!" "Ah, Sally, don't worry, he will, and... and... and Mary will, and I do already, so you see, everything's okay." "Come on." "Everything's fine." "You're so good." "Come on." "God bless you, Burt." "Ha!" "Aah." "Come in, Danny." "How are you?" "I'll tell you how I am." "I'm exhausted." "I haven't slept in days." "Now, Jodie, we've got to get Mom and Burt back together again." "Burt is going crazy." "He comes in my room in the middle of the night, and he shakes my mattress until I fall out of bed, and then he says," ""Huh, huh, you couldn't sleep either, huh?"" "Then he sits there until the sun comes up asking me, "What's it all about?"" "Well, I'm so exhausted, even if I knew what it was all about," "I couldn't tell him." "Now, we gotta get them back together again." "So you can sleep?" "Noble, Danny." "No, no, not so I can sleep." "Look, they love each other." "They should be together." "And I believe Burt." "I think he's telling the truth, but Mom won't listen to him." "Talk to her, Jodie." "She listens to you." "She takes your advice." "Yeah, on decorating." "Everything's cleaned up..." "Oh, excuse me." "I didn't know you had company." "Hello." "How do you do?" "It's nice meeting you." "Bye." "That's Alice." "She..." "lives here." "Sort of." "All right!" "Uh, uh, Danny..." "You son of a gun, you!" "I knew if I took you to enough hockey games, you'd see the light." "Whoa, Dan." "Son of a gun." "She's pretty." "She's sexy." "She's gay." "Oh, come on." "You almost had me going there for a minute." "Hey, listen." "I hope I'm not getting out of line or anything, but I just want you to know that I'm not trying to take Jodie away from you." "I beg your pardon?" "Uh, Alice..." "We share the place, but we both lead our own lives, and you two can have all the privacy you want." "Uh, I..." "I don't..." "I don't understand." "Aren't you his date?" "Date?" "I mean, why not?" "You're gorgeous." "His date?" "!" "Uh, Alice, uh, this is Danny, my brother." "Brother?" "His brother!" "Oh." "I'm so embarrassed." "I'm sorry, Danny." "Brother." "Who knew?" "I'll, uh, go make sandwiches." "She's cute." "Now, how could she be gay?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's as simple as the nose on your face." "She's a girl." "So?" "So, Jodie, boys are gay." "Boys, not girls." "Is that so?" "Yeah." "Yeah, if girls were gay and boys were gay, they'd cancel each other out." "Comprendo?" "No, Danny." "She really is gay?" "Really gay." "A gay woman." "Oh, boy." "Just when you think you knew it all." "A gay woman." "No, sit." "The sandwiches are coming." "Nah, I gotta go." "What do you mean?" "I just made a lot of sandwiches." "No, I can't stay." "I'm..." "I'm tracking down some kidnappers." "On an empty stomach?" "I never heard of such a thing." "You're still going after them?" "Yeah." "I got a new lead." "Danny, why don't you just forget it?" "They killed my wife." "You expect me to forget that?" "I don't, but going after them is foolish, because if you find them and kill them, you'll be in trouble, and if not, they'll kill you." "I'm gonna find them." "They're pros, Danny." "They'll get you." "I know it." "And if they do, I'll..." "What?" "I'll... get them." "Hey, I'm as big a jerk as you are." "Be careful, huh?" "I will." "Here, I made some for you." "Chasing kidnappers can make you hungry." "Thanks, Alice." "When you get back," "I'm gonna make you a nice meal." "So long, Jodie's brother." "You'll talk to Ma?" "I'll talk to Ma." "All right." "I'll see you later." "She's not gay." "I fell over you." "Are you all right?" "Yes, I..." "I didn't hurt you, did I?" "No." "I..." "I'm fine, really." "I'm such a klutz." "Yes." "Don't move." "I have something for you." "Uh, would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?" "No, no." "You don't understand." "Now, wait right there." "Breakfast in bed." "Oh, I love breakfast in bed." "This is gonna be a little tricky, though." "The tray has a leg missing." "I don't think it's going to stand up with a missing leg." "Well, that's why I brought this book." "Watch this." "Oh." "It looks wonderful." "It's Rice Krispies." "I love Rice Krispies." "Problem is, there's no milk." "Oh, that's all right." "I..." "I don't need any milk." "Probably gonna be little dry." "I like them that way, dry." "It keeps them crispier." "If they're too dry, we could always pour some water in there." "No, they're delicious." "Hey, this book really works." "Oh, golly." "No, that..." "that's all right." "I don't want any more." "I'm full." "Well, I'll be all right in a year or two, after I calm down." "Uh, why are you so nervous?" "Well, because I'm crazy about you, and I don't know if you like me after last night." "I loved last night." "Couldn't you tell?" "I never behaved like that in my life." "Like what?" "Well, I was so, um, so, um..." "Loud." "I'm so embarrassed." "No, no, loud is good." "I knew you were there." "You really liked last night, huh?" "I think you're a wonderful lover." "Think so?" "Yeah." "People have told me I'm an animal." "You know at one point you screamed?" "Yeah." "When you got caught in the sheet and knocked the lamp on my head." "I think I'm in love with you." "I think I love you too." "Will you marry me?" "Well, we have lots of time." "Yeah, you're right." "So you think I'm a good lover, huh?" "Mm-hmm." "What about me is good?" "Well... you're gentle and, uh, considerate." "That's it?" "That's what makes me good... gentle and considerate?" "That makes a good pediatrician." "Well, that's not all." "What else?" "Come on, you can tell me." "Come on." "I think that's hereditary." "Me and my sister." "I hate to leave you." "I hate for you to leave me." "I'll miss you." "I'll miss you too." "I love you." "I love you too." "Well, Mrs. Tate, nice bumping into you." "Hi there, Benson." "Do you know what time it is?" "Gee, no, I'm sorry." "I don't." "Do you know what time it is?" "No, uh, sorry." "It's 8:00 in the morning!" "Well, thank you." "You couldn't call?" "Oh, Benson, you were worried?" "No, no, no." "I wasn't worried." "You were." "You were worried." "No, no, no, no, I wasn't worried." "Next time, I'm gonna break your neck." "Benson..." "Who's at the door, Benson?" "I'm not sure." "You want me to get that?" "If you don't mind." "You don't want me to get that." "Yes, I do." "No, you don't." "Benson..." "I'm home." "Chester..." "Chester." "I'm home, Jessica." "I'm home." "And I remember." "Chester?" "Oh, Jessica." "Oh, my darling, darling Jessica." "You must have been worried sick." "She is now." "Is this the last time" "Ingrid will bother the Tates and Campbells?" "And if not, isn't it enough already?" "Will Jodie and Danny be successful in getting Mary and Burt together?" "And if they are, will Burt be successful in getting her to believe that he hasn't slept with anyone?" "Now that Jessica and Donohue have found true love, will Chester's resurrection put a kink in the relationship?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."