"How's everybody doin' today?" "Any anger problems?" "Actually, I screamed at a *** this morning." "How bad was the ticket?" "Oh, I didn't get a ticket, but..." "I've just gotten so many in the past." "I felt she had it coming." "See?" "See?" "Right there." "That is exactly one of the problems I think you all face." "Getting angry when you assume something bad is going to happen before it ever does." "So I have come up with a little game to help you deal with this issue head-on." "Oh, getting drunk." "I've been playing this game since I was seven." "No, no, no, no." "We're not getting drunk." "It's kind of like Russian roulette with beer cans." "Or what I like to call "The Beer Hunter."" "Whether we drink it or not, did you have to go domestic?" "Now, I just shook up one of these beers, but I don't know which one." "So you're all going to hold the beer up to your chin and open it." "So somebody's gonna get soaked." "I don't know." "There's six beers and I only shook up one." "Maybe nobody will get soaked." "Let's start with you, Nolan." "You weren't nervous at all." "I've seen enough movies." "It's never the first one." "All right, Lacey, you're next." "I'm so pissed right now." "I just got my hair done." "If this gets all over me..." "It'll be just another one of your Saturday nights." "You see, Lacey?" "You're getting angry and nothing's happened yet." "And odds are, nothing will." "But we know it's not Nolan and there's only four of us and six beers cans." "That means there's a 50% chance it's me." "And there's a 100% chance I'll never ask you to do my taxes." "Hmm." "Thank you for the lesson, Charlie, but you all missed out because I look amazing when I'm wet." "Patrick, give her your beer." "No, no, no." "No, no." "Ed's next." "Mine's fine." "Oh, my God, then it's me." "Damn it." "Give me another one." "No, no." "Sorry." "Game's over." "I know what you did." "You didn't shake any of them up." "No, actually, I shook up, like, four of them." "I don't know what the hell happened." "All right, if we're all done and Lacey's not gonna get wet," "I have some surprising news." "You remember that job I got last week driving the limo?" "I still have it." " That's great, Nolan." " Yeah." "I'm inviting everybody out for a free limo ride." "So we can sit across from each other and talk." "How exciting." "Actually, I have an awesome client who gives me $100 tips, so I'm taking you all out to lunch in Malibu." "That sounds like a great team-building exercise." "And I hear the new Malibu Taco Bell/Dairy Queen is right on the water." "Thanks for giving it away." "I'm in." "I never turn down a free lunch." "Or one of those bags of top soil in front of a home improvement center." "Ed, those bags are not free." "Anything out front is fair game." "This country owes me." "Whoops." "Sorry to interrupt." " No problem." " Mm." "Very nice." "Oh, you know the garden hose that I leave out in front of my house?" " It's missing." " Maybe you shouldn't leave it out front." "Okay." "Okay, everybody, cross your fingers." " Why?" " Just do it." "Son of a bitch!" "Thank God one of them worked." "I thought today was gonna suck." "Hi, everyone." "I'd like to introduce a new member of our group." " Randy Warren." " Uh, Dr. Randy Warren." "Actually, the APA revoked that title because you were a fraud." "Well, the jokes on you because I had my name legally changed to Dr. Randy Warren." "Ooh, my mama gonna be so proud when I tell her I'm marrying a doctor." "Oh, it's just a matter of time, sugar." "Look, you should know your beloved therapist turned me in and got me sent to prison." "I got your license revoked because you claimed to have psychic powers." "And you're the one who kidnapped an APA board member." "And drove to Mexico with 100 tabs of LSD in a stolen police car." "But you knocked over the first domino." "Charlie, you're wrong about Dr. Randy." "He has magical powers." "Before we ever talked, he knew the name of the gang I was in." "It's written on your neck." "Yeah, but he read it upside down while I was holding him over the railing." " Charlie, can I talk to you?" " I'm in the middle of group." "It's about the group." "The warden is shutting it down." " Ooh!" " What?" "If you want to change your name to "Unemployed Therapist Charlie Goodson,"" "I have some extra forms." "I'm good." "You know, it's a shame we never got a chance to talk about why you hate black people and Mexicans so much." "I've put in four hard years with that group." "And those men are doing great." "Why would the warden be against anger therapy?" "I don't know." "The email just says they're shutting it down." "Oh, and your metal fork experiment is over." "Even one fork-related stabbing is too many." "You know, they can have the metal forks, but screw him." " I'm not letting him take away my group." " Charlie, wait." "If you piss off the warden, we could lose the clinic, too." "Let's use some anger management techniques." "Take a few deep breaths." "Better?" "No." "Now I'm furious and lightheaded." "Okay." "Okay." "Let's try something silly to break the escalating pattern of angry thoughts." " Like what?" " I..." "I don't know." " Got your nose." " That's not funny." "Give it back." "Give it back!" "Okay." "I'm sorry." "I had a drunk uncle who took my nose when I was five at a family picnic." "He had a heart attack playing softball and never gave it back." "I stole this one off Timmy Wilson in second grade, so it's a bit of a sore spot." "Nolan, can you tell Ed to please sit down?" "Hey, I'm just giving the neighborhood ladies a little something to enjoy." "Oh, they're enjoying it." "Carol, look." "That must be a special walrus." "They're driving him to the zoo in a limousine." "You're rolling with Nolan." "Oh, hey, Mr. Williams." "Sure, I can." "I'm in the neighborhood right now." "I'll be over in a sec." "Sorry, guys." "You're all gonna have to get out so I can pick up a client." "Get out?" "We're in the middle of nowhere." "We're in Beverly Hills." "You grew up here." "I know, but I can't be seen with these guys." "I mean, the only reason I'm here is because the windows are tinted." "I'm sorry, but my customer expects the car to himself and he tips me big." "Lighten up, Nolan." "Just tell him that we're the LA Limo Inspection Committee." "And we're just here to sit in for the day" " and make sure you're doing a good job." " How am I doing?" "We're not at liberty to disclose what is in our report at this time." "All right, fine." "I'll be right back." "Be cool." "He left the keys in the ignition." "Let's go to Vegas." "Ah, hell." "Vegas is a cesspool." "Let's go to Lubbock." "Wait." "That guy's really cute." "Uh, excuse me, Nolan." "Is there some sort of mix up here?" "Oh, I probably should have told you, but today," "I'm being observed by the Los Angeles Limo Inspection Committee." "Hope that's okay." "We've inspected the limo and the ride is smooth." "Like just-got-waxed smooth." "I'm Quinn." "I'm flexible like a gymnast." "Nice mansion." "It's okay... for the West Coast." "My house on Martha's Vineyard is much nicer." "So I'm just gonna ask you outright, is there any chance that you're gay?" "No." "Not at all." "I heard a little hesitation." "So what are you doing around 8:00 tomorrow night?" "Probably soaking in a bubble bath after naked yoga wishing someone was there to massage my aching muscles." "Why?" "Nolan, you can drive us on a date tomorrow night, can't you?" "Yeah, sure." "That's fine." "Can you excuse me for a minute?" "Hello." "Yes, Nolan." "Yes, I really do want to go out with him." "Just checking the tire pressure." "We're good to go." "I need to see Warden Maclasky." "I'm sorry, the warden's no longer here." "At a quarter to 4:00?" "Well, I certainly applaud his commitment to his work." "Is he coming back?" "No, he quit on Tuesday after being stabbed with a metal fork." "Oh." "Is there something I can help you with?" "Yeah, I guess I need to see the new warden." " And who shall I say is here?" " Charlie Goodson." "And tell him he better be prepared to explain why he's shutting down my prison group." "Warden Hartley, Charlie Goodson is here to see you." "Just so you know, I am about to use some language, which, even though you work in a maximum security prison, you may not have heard before." " I'm Warden Hartley." " Hey." "How are you?" "Charlie Goodson." "It's a pleasure to meet you." "Sorry you had to hear that." "Well, I'm off." "Have a great weekend." "Yup." "Wait." "Uh, what happened with Warden Maclasky?" "Did he reinstate the prison group?" "Oh, yeah." "Warden Maclasky is gone, but I did speak to Warden Hartley." "And Warden Hartley is willing to think about it." "In fact, I'm taking Warden Hartley to dinner to discuss the group in greater detail." " See you Monday." " Why are you talking like that?" "This is my voice, Jordan." "Why do you talk like a cartoon chipmunk?" "No, no." "You're not using any pronouns." "You keep saying, "Warden Hartley."" "I call Warden Hartley "Warden Hartley"" "because that's Warden Hartley's title." "Like Senator Smith or Officer Jones or Doctor Cartoon Chipmunk." " Good-bye." " Oh, my God." "Warden Hartley is a woman." "Yes, Warden Hartley may happen to be female." "But as a feminist, I don't notice gender." "The reason you didn't mention that she was a woman is because you want to sleep with her." "As a feminist, I am appalled." "Charlie, you can't sleep with her." "Eventually, something is gonna go wrong, you guys are gonna start fighting, and she will make our lives a living hell." "Relax." "I'm just going to take her out to dinner, charm her pants off so she'll give me back my group." "See, you're going to take her pants off." "I said "charm her pants off."" "Either way her pants are coming off." "This woman is the warden at the prison where we work." "And I'm not gonna sleep with her." "I'm smarter than that." "Yes, you are smarter than that." "Your penis, however, makes all the decisions and that thing never made it past the fifth grade." "Look, I know I have a reputation." "And I worked really hard for it." "But I can control myself." "Well, maybe." "You have been able to control yourself around me." "Yeah, that's been a herculean effort." "So looking forward to this date, Nolan." "Thanks for introducing me to Lacey." "She's smoking hot." "Glad I get to watch the two of you go out together." "And the fact that I have to be sober because I'm working makes it even better." "So you're friends with her, right?" "What's her favorite club?" "Uh, well, it's not technically a club, but she loves the free clinic." "Driven her there a lot." "So whatever she's got, it's pretty stubborn." "Hi, Nolan." "Hey, Quinn." "You look amazing." "Oh, my God." "We agree on everything." "I got you something." "Diamond earrings!" "Yay!" "You're as rich as I thought!" "I mean, thank you." " Nolan!" " Sorry, squirrel." "Sorry, another squirrel." "Ah!" "Nolan, what the hell is wrong with you?" "Another squirrel." "It might be a stampede." "Probably have a better chance of surviving if we all separate." "Quinn, get out here." "Here you go." "You guys on a date?" "No, no, no." "This is just a business meeting." "She runs the prison where I work." "Well, that's good 'cause I slept with my boss once and it got complicated." "It was a small family business and my boss was my brother-in-law." "Which is probably why it got complicated." "Wow." "She slept with her brother-in-law?" "Yeah, I guess maybe she ran out of cousins." "Look, Charlie, I'm going to level with you." "I'm cutting your therapy group because a lot of people think that convicted criminals should be punished, not sitting around in a little pink room talking about their feelings." "So we'll paint the room a different color." "Problem solved." "You want dessert?" "Charlie, this warden thing is short term for me." "In a couple of months, I'm going to be running for state attorney general and a lot of the people I'm talking about are campaign donors." "But if you end the group now, all my hard work flies out the window and you're left with a bunch of angry prisoners." "You know what else flies out the window?" "Other prisoners." "I'm sorry, Charlie." "It'll look bad for me." "You know what's really gonna look bad for you?" "When your angry prisoners stage a massive riot and shoot down a police helicopter and everybody's asking you why you let it happen." "And how exactly did the prisoners shoot down a helicopter?" "These guys can make weapons out of anything." "I've seen an underwear slingshot kill a mouse at 50 paces." "So I don't think your little helicopter is gonna be a problem." "I'm really impressed by your passion, Charlie." "And based on that, I promise I'll reconsider." "Well, thank you." "You know what's funny?" "My partner was actually worried" " that this meeting might not go well." " Why?" "I guess she figured 'cause you're a woman and I couldn't control myself." "I'd hit on you and we'd end up sleeping together." "Wow." "Um, that's kind of insulting to me." "As if I wouldn't have any say in the matter." "I know, right?" "I mean, even though I find you incredibly attractive, it's not like I'm some animal that just has to have you." "I mean, just because we feel that way, doesn't mean we have to act on it." "I am really offended." "So am I." "The nerve of her." "I'm telling Jordan tomorrow to mind her own business." "Why would she talk about me?" "She doesn't even know me." "I think she owes us both an apology, I'll tell you that." " Yeah." " Yeah." " You're a good spanker." " Thanks." "This is the best day of shopping ever." "It's so cool when everything's free." "Well, it wasn't free, Lacey." "I paid for it." "Oh, I know, but it was free for me." "God, you're wonderful." "Why don't you come over and I'll tear that new lingerie off of you?" "Nolan, take us back to my place." "No." "I won't do it." "What?" "Mr. Williams, you think you can come in here and buy Lacey all this fancy stuff and make her happier than I've ever seen her?" "Not on my watch." "Get another driver." "Look, Nolan, I get it." "You're upset because you like Lacey and how could you not?" "I know, right?" "I mean, look at me." "But there is no way you're ever going to get her." "She doesn't want some poor slob who can't afford to buy her expensive things." "She's way out of your league." "Girls like this are for guys like me." "God, you are a dick." "Get out." "No, not you, Nolan." "You can't talk to my friend that way." "I never want to see you again." "Good-bye." " But this is my limo." " I said good-bye!" "And take your... you know what?" "Just go." "Wow." "I can't believe you did that." "So I do have a chance with you?" "Oh, no." "Not at all." "He was absolutely right." "I'm totally out of your league, but you can't say stuff like that out loud." "It makes poor people sad." "Well, you better watch out, 'cause now I've got a job." "And once you get a job, you get money." "And once you get the money..." "I'll just take you home." "Hi." "You had a number on the back of your truck that said I should call if I had a comment." "Your driving was excellent." "You're very welcome." "Are you serious?" "It's called positive reinforcement, jackass." "Let me try it." "As a time-wasting Pollyanna, you're the best." "Thank you." "So how'd it go with the new warden?" "My group lives on." "I was incredibly persuasive and I didn't even have to sleep with her to get what I wanted." "Sorry." "I underestimated you." "Yes, you did." "I slept with her after I got what I wanted." "Charlie, you know what's going to happen now, don't you?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "You're going to say the same thing in different ways all afternoon." "And tonight, I'm gonna to sleep with her again." " Hello, Mr. Goodson." " Good afternoon, Warden Hartley." "Have you two met?" "Warden, this is Jordan." "Jordan, Warden." "Warden, Jordan." "Nice to meet you." "We should get coffee sometime and talk about how even though Charlie and I are partners," "I can easily run the clinic without him." "You'll have to excuse Jordan." "She's mad at the world." "They cancelled her favorite show on Animal Planet and that chat room was 90% of her social life." "Hey, since you took me out last time," "I just came by to see if you wanted me to make you dinner tonight." "That's great." "Can I bring anything?" "Dessert?" "Or just the thunder again?" "Bring both." "Okay." "I'll bring the thunder." "And a chocolate cream pie." "I mean, it's the least I can do after you spared my prison group." "We should talk about that." "Look, Charlie, I'm sorry, but I have to cancel the group." " What?" "!" " I talked to my advisors and they just felt from a PR standpoint, that it wouldn't be good for me." "But what about last night?" "After everything we said." "And screamed." "So wait, you think that sleeping with me guarantees that I'll do whatever you want?" "I didn't think it would guarantee it, but I certainly thought it would help." "The fact that you think I owe you something really pisses me off." "Well, if you're feeling angry, you should stop by my group." "Oh, that's right." "You cancelled my group." "You know what?" "I don't have time for this." "Really?" "'Cause I've got an extra hour every day because you cancelled my group." "What did you do?" "She shut down my prison group." "I knew if you slept with her that there would be tension and weirdness." "The fact that I slept with her has nothing to do with it." "There's tension and weirdness wherever I go." "Now they're going to shut down the clinic, too." "Will you calm down?" "I'll figure this out." "You got involved with her and then you got into a fight and now it's just a matter of time before everything... completely in the crapper." " I was right." "I knew I was right." " Well, congratulations." "I wish there was a number on your ass that I could call and tell everyone what a great job you're doing." "_"