"Happy birthday!" "Happy birthday!" "Rach, come on." "It's your birthday!" "Hey..." "She's not as pretty as she was when she was 29." "Ms. Green wants to establish some ground rules before she comes out." "She'd appreciate it if you didn't use the words "old" or "downhill" or "They still look pretty damn good."" "They do." "Rachel, come on out." "Monica made breakfast." "Chocolate chip pancakes." "We've got presents." "Good ones?" "They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago." "Can I keep the presents and still be 29?" "Come on, Rach, turning 30 is not that big a deal." "Really?" "Is that how you felt when you turned 30?" "Why, God, why?" "We had a deal." "Let the others grow old, not me!" "You know, I'm still 29 in Guam." "Hey, 30 is not that old." "Do you know how old the Earth is?" "Late 30s?" "You guys, is it just me?" "Am I overreacting?" "No, it's not just you." "My 30th birthday sure wasn't much fun." "And now Chandler!" "We're all getting so old." "Why are you doing this to us?" "The One Where They All Turn Thirty" "You're in a great place in your life." "You have an amazing job, good friends." "Your roommate's a soap opera star." "Your character is in a coma." "I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry at this one." "I know my life's going pretty well, but I see so many people who've accomplished their goals before they're 30." "Yeah, but you shouldn't compare yourself to me." " Come on, Phoebe!" " You can do it!" " Come on." " There you go." "I did it!" "One mile on a Hippity Hop." "That's everything I wanted to do before I was 30." "Except I wanted to patch things up with my sister." "Oh, well." "But, yeah!" "Girls, this thing is a godsend, if you know what I mean." "Thirty." "Oh, I mean, 30." "Monica, you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreiger in fifth grade?" "She was 30." "Let's have some fun." "What do you want to do?" "Nothing." "I don't want to do anything." "Doing nothing on your 30th is better than doing something stupid, like Ross." "That was a practical purchase." "I needed that car for transportation." "Okay?" "I have a child." "How hot do I look in this?" "Ross, a sports car?" "Wouldn't it be cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?" "That's not what this is about." "I am a sports car enthusiast." " I've always been into cars." " What's the horsepower?" "I don't know, but look how shiny!" " I can't believe you bought this." " Really." "God, Ross, what were you thinking?" "I know it's really shallow, but part of me wants him again." "Well, get in line, missy." "So can I have a ride, stud?" "Hop in." "Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life." "Damn it." "Okay, who's next?" "I am gonna do something today." "I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady." "I want to get something pierced." "Like my nose or my tongue or something." "Really?" "Because that hurts." "So what?" "The way I see it..." "Son of a bitch!" "Look, I know what you're going through." "I'm totally freaked out about turning 25." "Get out of my apartment." "Rach, I think that you're doing great." "Let's face it, no one handles this well." "Least of all you." " Why, what did you do?" " Weren't you asked to leave, sonny?" "Put that back on." "Monica will be here any minute." "But it hurts my Joey's apple." "For the last time, it's not named after each individual man." "You've done a wonderful job with this party, Chandler." "Everything's so lovely." "Well, not as lovely as you." "I can't believe you have a 30-year-old daughter." "And I can't believe you have a tux that's 30 years old." "It's older than that." "Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo." "Everybody hide!" "I saw her." "She's coming." "Everybody down!" "Crap." "Everybody stay here." "I'll find out what's going on." "Hey, you got the door open!" "Hey, are you drunk?" "No." "Okay." "Okay." "See, I was a little nervous about turning 30." "So the busboys took me out for some drinks." "Might want to puke on you later." "Here's the thing." "We've thrown a very formal surprise party for you." " Your friends are in there, and your parents." " No!" " Yes!" "Yes!" " No." "Oh, no!" "My parents have never seen me drunk." "That they know of." "We'll get you some coffee." "They'll never know that you're drunk." " You promise?" " I'll take care of it." "I love you so much." "Okay, we have to do something about your breath." "What about your breath?" "That's still yours." "Now remember, it's a surprise party." "So when you go in, act surprised." "Ready?" "Surprise!" "Okay, forward." "Forward." "Stop!" "Okay, back..." "Stop!" "Okay, for..." "Stop!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Ross, just forget about it." "The guy's got you totally wedged in." " Is this yours?" " No, it's mine!" "It's mine." "Dude, you so need this car." "Okay, here's what we're gonna do." "I'll break into this minivan, put it in neutral." "You push it forward so Ross can drive out of the spot." "All right." "Here we go." "Haul ass!" "Happy 30th birthday!" "Here." "It's for the child in you." "And the woman." "Happy 30th!" "Right." "Why do you keep saying that?" "Because it's our 30th birthday." "Yeah, no, we're not 30." "We're 31." "Okay." "Wait." "Oh, it's you." "Yeah." "What?" "Yeah, we're not 30." "We're 31." "That's what it says on my birth certificate." "You have a birth certificate?" "I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died." "Our mom." "Right." "Okay." " Do you have mine?" " No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, we are 31!" "Yeah." "I just lost a whole year of my life." "Okay." " Your middle name is Pamela?" " Yes." "I never knew mine." "Do you remember what it is?" "Yes." "Phoebe." " That's my first name." " Right." "Okay." "Then, no." "We made it across the room." "You're doing great." "What's going on?" "Monica's a little drunk." "Yeah!" "I love drunk Monica." "Oh, she's so much more fun than regular Monica." "She doesn't want her parents to know." "All right, all right." "Here's what we'll do." "I'll get twice as drunk, then no one will even notice her." " Drunk Phoebe's mean." " Okay, you watch your tone with me!" "What's going on?" "Monica's wasted." "Maybe that will liven up this party." "Will you just help her get changed?" "Taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey." "This one's from me." "It wasn't on your list, but it's really fun." "A scooter." "Stick to the list." "Always stick to the list." "No, no, I love it." "Thank you." "Open ours next!" "Open ours next!" "Now that you're a couple, we don't get two gifts?" "For my last birthday, you gave me a hug." "Read the card!" "Read the card!" ""Happy birthday, Grandma." "It's better to be over the hill than buried under it." "All our love, Monica and Chandler." That's funny." "No, no." "That was a joke." "I know, I get it." "It's funny." "Because you're not a grandma." "To be a grandma, you have to be married and have children." "I don't have any of those things." "That's why it's so funny." "I'm just gonna go..." "All you had to do was buy the card." "Hey, look who's back." "It's the birthday girl." "How's the birthday girl feeling?" "Well, I feel fine, but I think you're bumming out the rest of the kids." "It was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids." "All I really needed was a plan." "See, I want three kids." "And you want to have them all at the same time and have them for your brother." "As I was saying..." "I should have the first one by the time I'm 35." "Which gives me five years." "I love this plan." "I'm gonna marry this plan." "If you could do that, I'd marry the Hippity Hop." "If I want a kid when I'm 35, I don't have to get pregnant until I'm 34." "Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes." "But I want to be married for a year before I get pregnant." "Really?" "That long?" "Look all you want, it's happening." "I don't have to get married until I'm 33." "That's three whole years." "Wait a minute, though." "I'll need a year and a half to plan the wedding." "And I'd like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged." "Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I'm 30." "Which is fine because you just turned 28!" "No, Ross." "No, it is not fine." "I should already be with the guy I'm gonna marry." "Will you quit hogging it?" "I'm telling you, it's like watching Bambi learn how to walk." "You're drunk." "Mom and Dad are gonna be mad." "Maybe I'm a little drunk." "Are those crab cakes?" "Did I not tell you to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?" "How you feeling?" "You are so handsome." "I want to make love to you right here, right now." "I really wish that you wouldn't." "Just get through a little bit more, then we can put you in bed." "Just smile and don't talk to anyone." "Speech, speech!" "Let's hear from the birthday girl." "Pheebs!" "See, everybody's looking at me." "The plan's working." "I didn't even have to take off my top yet." "Speech." "Come on, speech!" "You can't keep your hands off her for one second." "I think it's nice." "I think it's necessary." "I want to thank you all for coming." "My family and my friends." "I'd really like to say that I'm..." "You know what I'd really like to say?" "I'm drunk!" "That's right, Mom and Dad." "Your little Harmomica is hammered." "And guess what?" "I've been drunk before." "And I've smoked a cigarette." "And I've had a box of Ding Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer." "It's all okay." "It's okay because I turned 30 today." "And I can do anything I want." "Because I am a grownup." "Okay, quick." "Help me get this off." "I lost a whole year." "I can't believe it." "This is so unfair!" "Come on, Pheebs, it'll be okay." "Will it?" "Will it?" "How would you feel if you found out you were 31?" "That's not gonna happen." "Because we have a new deal." "Plus, it ruined my schedule." "I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31." " Like what?" " Like I haven't met any Portuguese people." "I haven't had the perfect kiss." "And I haven't been to sniper school." "Why don't we go and have some birthday cake." "I just feel like being by myself for a while." "See you guys later." "Thanks." "Poor Pheebs." "Hey, you know what, you guys?" "I think I'm gonna walk her home." " Oh, man." " What?" "He's gonna eat the cake." "Pheebs!" "Listen, I..." "Close your eyes." "That's one thing you can cross off your list." "Oh, yeah." "Plus, I'm one-sixteenth Portuguese." "Okay, is everybody clear?" "We're gonna pick it up and move it." "All we need is teamwork." "We're gonna lift the car and slide it out." "Lift and slide." " Ross, I really don't think this..." " Lift and slide." "All right." "Come on, dogs, let's lift this sucker." "Oh, unless you're scared." "Little weaklings scared?" "Good teamwork." " Okay, here we go." " All right, everyone." "Lift and slide." " Hey, Joey..." " Come on, Rach, my turn just started." "Actually, I just want to talk to Tag." "Oh, okay." "Hey, can I ride this outside?" "Whatever." "I'm not your mother." "Not in the street!" " Are you feeling any better?" " Yeah, I'm doing okay." "I'm..." "Let's talk." "What's up?" "Oh, Tag..." "You're such a great guy." "And we have so much fun together." " But I..." " Wait." "I think I see where you're going." "But before you say anything else, can I say one more thing?" "Well said." "And a good example of the fun I was referring to." "But I think I'm past the point where I can just have fun." "Rachel, don't do this." "This is just because you're turning 30." "Yeah, it is." "But you're just a kid." "I mean, you're 25." " Twenty-four, actually." " Oh, God." "You know what I wish?" "I wish you were six years older." "Well, if I'm wishing for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger." " Me too." " Yeah." "Sorry." "Hey, how'd it go?" "If I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?" "You did the right thing." "I don't like this anymore." "Well, here we are." "Just a bunch of 30-year-olds." "Do you realize in 10 years we're gonna be 40?" "Why, God?" "Why are you doing this to us?" "Yes!" "My baby's finally free." "All right!" "Start it up." "Let's go!" "How hot are we?" "You want to buy a car?"