"STS CHVOJKO VICE" "MARY" "Well, 'bye." " Thanks a lot for everything, Mr. Pechar." "And you too, boys, thanks." "Be seeing you." " All the best." " Joseph, I'll be handing my Mary over to you." "She is O.K., so I hope you and she'll..." "Mary!" "But I thought I'd... that I'd..." "that's odd I thought I'd pulled the brake." " Well, chum, Prague sure has great things to look forward to." " I'm sorry, Mr. Pechar." " Oh, you'd better be going." "And listen, please don't touch anything here any more, will you?" "Goodbye." "Good morning." " Hello." "Joe, what's he done this time?" " Oj..." "He just drowned Mary." "Frankie!" "Well, what were your goodbyes like at the tractor station?" " Well, they were glad." "There now." "Open your suitcase, will you!" "They're still warm from the chickens." "Your aunt will be pleased." "Goodbye." "Frankie boy, goodbye." " Goodbye." " And take good care of yourself!" "Don't look up the meaning of your dreams don't ask the stars" "when happiness will shine when luck will start blossoming for you." "Tomorrow you'll wake to your big day." "To chase your blues away" " Dear village friends!" " As your dream comes true." " Science has arrived in your country community." "The times of forune-tellers and parrots is over." "Say you are getting ready to take a serious step in life." "You are marrying off your daughter, buying a house, you want to conceive a child." "Which day to chose?" "You will get a dependable answer to this dilemma from our computer UK 120." "Just look, if you please!" "Here, you see - a star." "A star means success." "A dot means a failure." "The zero is tricky and mind!" "The cross - that is your critical day." "Let us take... this young man." "Down we go." "Looking at his suitcase, I'd say this young man is getting ready to travel some place." "Where are you going?" " To Prague." " To our capital..." "You'll be needing strong nerves!" "What will you be doing there?" " I'll be looking for a job." " He'll be looking for a job." "For that he needs to be in good condition, physically and mentally." "Where will you be staying?" " With auntie." " With his auntie." "Although his aunt is a relative, it does mean severed ties with his closest family and friends." "For the next few days this young man will be needing..." "What will he be needing?" "Resistance!" "Will he be in the right condition?" "The answer to this all-important question can be had in his condition-chart." "For a mere fifteen crowns..." "There now!" "...he will be equipped with a dependable life companion in which he'll be able to read as clearly as in his own palm." "A schedule for happy days and unhappy days." "What's your name?" " Frank Koudelka." " Frank Kou-del-ka." "When were you born?" " February eighth..." " February eighth fifty two." " Fifty two." "Up we go!" "And down we come again!" "Give him the works, fella!" "Presents" "GIVE HIM THE WORKS, FELLA!" "Screenplay" "Starring and featuring" "Assistant Director Continuity" "Cameraman" "Assistants to Head of Production" "Costume Designer Wardrobe" "Make-up Stills" "Set Designer Head of properties" "Music by" "Conducted by Played by" "Sound Editor" "Film Editor" "Head of Production" "Director of photography" "Directed by" "Dramaturgic group Dramaturge" "Produced at Main dramaturge:" "Processed by" "PRAGUE, CENTRAL RAILWAY STATION" "EXIT" "At last, Frankie!" "Have I been worried, I thought you'd lost your way." "Come on in, Frank." "Take your coat off here, see." "And your cap too!" "There you go." "That's good." "Come on in... in here!" "Run along, go right in!" "There." "Quick, quick!" "Well now." " Mother sends her best regards and some eggs." " That's nice of her." "Wait, I'll bring something to put them in." "And... what's this that your mummy has written?" " No, that's nothing." "I bought a sort of fortune for fifteen crowns, a presage of when I'd have my lucky days in the future and when I get some bad luck at last." " Really now, such a young man and he'd believe in old wives' tales?" " These aren't old wives' tales, auntie." "This is scientific." "Straight out of a computer." " That's what the old charlatans always used to say, that it was scientific." "Just look, my poor deceased husband - your poor deceased uncle." "It said in his horoscope that he should never take a trip by train on Mondays." "So he went and bought a bicycle and now he has a memorial-tablet in the Kunratice Bend." "Well, I can see you've made friends with Gregory." "I'm very happy about that." "And if you really want to win him over, do bring him a piece of garlic toast sometimes." "He just adores them." "Well, Frankie, this'll be your kingdom." "This is Gregory's bed, Gregory, here." "And that sofa over there, that's yours." "So these are you bedies." "I arranged that job for you at the Garage." "The manager's name is Karfik." "You just go to him and say:" ", I am the nephew of Mrs Sykora from the travel bureau."" "We don't have any." "None at all, sorry." "Can't help." "None in stock." " I am the nephew..." " Georgina, call Sulc, please, and tell him to send those silent-blocks." "But right away, not in a month's time!" " I am the..." " Marsalek!" "Marsalek, man alive, is that the way to write out the order slips?" "You're writing utter nonsense in them!" "I haven't written any order slips, Mr. Karfik." "I'm not interested, but what you're writing in nonsense." "There now..." " Look at that...!" "A spring... a spring!" " What is that supposed to mean to anybody?" "I refuse to sign such order slips." " I am the..." " Kremlicka, look here, don't you start that boloney about the pistons again." "See to it yourself!" "What do you want?" " I am the nephew..." " Eva!" "No overhauls to be taken in at all!" "Stop all orders till the end of the month!" "Well, what do you want?" "I'm listening!" " I am the nephew." " And you have a complaint to make about it." "Who did the job?" "I am the nephew..." "...of the travel bureau." "I'm the nephew of the aunt in the travel bu..." "I mean Mrs..." "Sykora from the travel bureau." " I know." "Klasek!" "Klasek!" "Here's a new man for you again." " Right, boy, come along!" "Sit down!" "And we can start." "Yes." "My dear young friend." "The plant in which you have decided to work is one of the most modern in Europe." "It is, however, our duty to point out some of the danger-points of your future job." "Let us take a look at the different departments." "Let's see." " A spring..." " What do you see?" " Buttons." " No, what do you see here?" " Your hand." " No, concentrate, what do you see here?" " Cars." " And what else?" " Mechanics." " Correct." "Every three months one of them leaves our gates inside an ambulance." " And yet I had told each one of those boys right here in advance:" ", Don't take bribes!" "Don't take bribes!" "They'll drive you crazy!"" "But it's just no good!" "No good!" "No good." " They refuse to take my advice." "When these boys finish their apprenticeship they're accustomed to living from six, seven hundred." "He comes to our place and suddenly takes in six, seven thousand." "And what does he do with it?" "He doesn't know." "Quite logical, such a boy cannot do anything else but go crazy in such a situation." "And that is why I am warning you, too, so that you don't end up like your predecessors at the Psychiatric Department of Professor Kokoloushek." "There, look!" " I don't know what to do with it." "I really don't know what to do about it." " Just a moment!" " I think I'm going crazy." " Just a moment!" " I don't know what to do with it." " There now, you see?" " I'm going crazy." " Here you see it, with your own eyes you saw it." "Psychiatry?" "Professor, a call for you!" "Mr Mracek seems much better." "Much better." "Your husband is in a very good mood, madame." "We'll have an X-ray of that head of his taken tomorrow." "I'm sorry to say I can't give you any good news, Mrs Dostal." "He keeps cackling, cackling away all the time." "Kokoloushek!" "Really?" "But you are keeping us well supplied, Mr Karfik!" "Right, the boys will be right over." "Holna, Malota!" "The Garage!" " Yes." "There, Mr. Hudecek, I've brought along a new man for you." "He'll be working under you!" " Morning." " Hudecek." " Koudelka." " I sure admire you." " Why?" " Well, starting a new job on a Friday the thirteenth, that's what I call courage." " That's just a superstition." "I don't believe in that sort of thing at all." "Listen, who's that?" " That's the plant psychologist." "You'll have your fill of him yet, chum." "Come along!" "Klasek!" " Yeah, coming!" "Mr. Hudecek..." " Well, the troubles was with the valves, Mr. Materna, call up on Monday." "Yeah." "The coller is O.K." "But I'll have to take a look at your head, something's leaking somewhere." "Well, thanks, that's all right." " Shall I wait?" " Yes, yes." "Oh, and Mr. Kalina, I don't have very good news for you." "It keeps rattling." "Well of course, if you don't lubricate the thing - it rattles." "Well, Tony?" " I'm going crazy." "I really don't know where the trouble lies." " It'll be all right." " Yeah." "Look, this is what I'm working on now." "What do you think of her?" " Nice, green... a sixteen." " Well, chum I'd say thirty if she's a day." " A thirty Renault?" " Yeah..." " Is that a new type?" " And super, too." "Her husband spends most of his time abroad." "Come here!" "Look, spit at me!" " Why?" " Well, spit at me!" "Oh...!" "Come on, for luck...!" "Let's go!" "Madame." "So now there's two of us to deal with you, madame." " Madame." " You go and start!" "My husband spends most of his time abroad and I have to worry about this sort of thing all on my own." " Of course, well look here, I thought... actually..." "Good, boys, good!" "Go and have five more rounds and I'll go and make up your beds for you for the night." "Sweetie-sweetie." "Now we'll have a lovely little sleepy bye!" "Run along!" "Mind you don't catch cold." "Frank!" "Faster!" "Gregory, give him a run for it!" "Some bed..." "Look here." "Come here." "Come on, boy." "There now..." "Here's a nice bedie for you too you go to sleepy-byes here like good boy." "Come on." "Come on boy." " Frank, pull the cover over Gregory, will you?" "Who drove it out?" " There was nobody inside." "It drove out on its own." " Prouza, come on..." " But..." " What is it now?" "Who was it?" " Who was who?" " The guy who wasn't inside." " How would I know who the guy was who wasn't inside." " This is no service garage, this is a circus." "Who was it?" "I'll find him." " My critical day." "It's working." "If you have any problems, you can trust me to help you!" "If you're homesick, going through first love, second love, disappointment." "Don't be ashamed, tell me about it, never be shy with me." " What is it?" "What is it?" "He has problems, has he?" "So we take it out of his pay, so what." "Problems indeed..." "Will you please remember this:" "Before you start working on a car, anchor her firmly!" " I know." " Didn't they teach you that?" " It's my bad day today." " Nice and expensive, such a bad day of yours!" " Look, they've got garlic toast here." "Three." "Wrap them up please..." "...in a piece of paper." "Quite a pretty girl, what?" " Hm..." "You like her?" " Hm." " Well, what are you waiting for, then?" "Go and ask her if she's free tonight!" "Ciao." "You don't happen to have ten crown's worth of change, do you?" "Here you are." "Thank you." "Look, Gregory, look what I've got for you." "But I want something in exchange." "You're going to sleep over there tonight, right?" "Come on!" "Look, garlic toast!" "There!" "And ho... there now!" "There!" "Good boy." "Good boy." "Sleep." "Hop!" "Back to sleep!" "And put the light out!" "Come and get up, boys!" "Out for your run!" "What's the matter with you, you lazy-bones?" "!" "And what is this supposed to mean?" "No..." "Frank, no, that just is not possible!" "Gregory is used to his bed." "And I am sure he must have had a very bad night." "Just look at him!" "Just look at the circles under his eyes." "I can't sleep on this." "The springs push into my ribs something awtul." "And Gregory is supposed to sleep there all right...?" "Some people think an animal can stand anything...!" "Mr. Hudecek!" "Mr. Hudecek!" "I wonder if you haven't forgotten my darling?" " How could I have, madame...?" "How could I have?" "On the contrary!" "I think of you day and night." "Really." "I can't sleep." "I can't eat." "I can't... just anything, madame." " What about taking a little ride with me so that I know what it's all about?" " Very happy to." "But that would need a bit of a longer trip, wouldn't it now?" "Madame, if you come on a drive with me, the trees will line up in single file alongside." "Really." "I often don't know how to stop." "As I see this is a bit of a risky workshop." "I'll be seeing you, Mr Hudecek." " Au revoir." "You can pay next time." "What I'd like to do to you..." "pull you apart, if I could." "Just look at the mess I look!" " Sorry!" " Just look at me, will you!" "Could you do me a favour and look please!" " Yes, I can see." " Are you fun to work with, chum..." " Beda, I'm really sorry, but this is one of my bad days." " This is one of your bad days, is it?" "Well then mind you tell me when you have a good day coming!" "You just have one bad day after the other." "When are they going to stop?" "!" " On Wednesday the 27th." "Look!" "Look!" "Here it's bad all the time, here it begins to get better and here it'll be best of all." " But you said you don't believe in these superstitions." " Not in superstitions, but this is scientific!" "Computer results." "Fifteen crowns worth." " Oh, and what's this?" " Well, these are all the bad days." "And today, that's here, there's actually a cross." " What does that mean?" " It's the so-called critical day." "It's the sort of day when everything come down on you." "Ouch." "Hey!" " Listen, man, there must be something in this." "I'm going to send for it too." "Are you getting out?" "Look, a chimney-sweep!" "Here!" "Hold this for me, will you." " I can't!" "I have to drop in at the buffet." " Listen, how far have you got with her?" "Has she noticed you yet?" " Of course." "I eat with her all the time." " Wait, is she counting on your coming?" " Well, she's counting, of course she is..." "Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten." "Thanks." " Not at all." "Can I help you?" "What are you doing?" "!" " I just..." " I can't hear you!" "Out aloud!" " I was... hammering out a rivet." "I just kept hammering..." " What?" "...with my hammer and by mistake..." " This?" "...it started getting bigger and bigger and then... it got this big." "I'll... go and get another." " So is this the way to hammer a rivet?" "Listen." "I've been watching you for quite some time!" "Often I'm looking elsewhere, but I keep seeing you!" "You're well on the way to Kokoloushek!" "Some rum." "You wouldn't be needing change for a hundred crowns, by any chance, would you?" "What would I do with so much change?" " It can come in useful." "People come in wanting change often, don't they?" "That's true." "One man comes in every day." "Yeah?" "And what does he want?" "I don't know what he wants, but what he says he wants is ten crowns' worth of change." "Who knows what he's really after..." "Maybe he..." "Maybe he... he likes you." "Think so?" "Why wouldn't he say so, then?" "Maybe he's afraid..." "...shy." "Listen, shy man..." "I've people to serve!" "If you want to wait for me when I finish here." "I'm out at seven." "Yes?" " Right." " Hey!" "Here's the hundred-crown note." " I say, I'd have forgotten it..." "Well, be seeing you." " Hey, you!" "Look here chum, if you take my advice, go and get your garlic toast some place else." "You could have an accident hereabouts..." " An accident?" " Yeah, an accident!" "I hope I shan't be seeing you here again tomorrow, Mack!" " Unless you change your saloon, you will, sheriff." "Well, if you insist..." "Get down off that lamp, Donald." "I can see you!" "THE SHERIFF IS FREE THIS AFTERNOON" "You don't happen to have a dog, do you, Blanche?" " No, I don't." " Pity." " Why?" " I have to go out to walk Gregory every evening, so I thought if you had, we could have walked them out together." " And can't we walk out one dog between us?" " That's true." "I can't and more." " Let's take a rest, then." "I say, what's the matter." " That stupid dog..." "What a hard life you have." " Will you come again tomorrow?" " Tomorrow's my Judo night." "Come and watch me!" " Can I take the dog?" " I don't expect so." "Do you have to take that dog everywhere?" "Tell your aunt you've got a date, that she can go and walk her dog herself." " Ha, that's a joke, telling her I've got a date!" "She'd never get over it." " Make up something else, then!" "Say..." "Say you've joined the Judo team too." " And why do you go, any way, to Judo, I mean?" " Well, should anybody bother me in the park one night," "I can just whack him down, see?" " I see, I'd better be careful then, what?" "Don't worry!" "I shan't whack you down!" " Gregory, down!" "Come on..." "Stupid dog!" "You!" "What is he doing?" "Gregory, stop it, will you..." "Wait!" " Good dog." "Now when, that's enough!" "Let's start!" " Yes." " Change places!" "Now I'll test you, boys, and divide you into teams." " Ready!" " Come along, then!" "What's your name?" " Ja..." "Janecek." " Team six." "You need a bit more of a sharp eye." "But we'll teach you that here." "Next!" "What's your name?" " Vokurka." " Do you have it?" " Yes." " Let's go!" "See, that was better!" "Team five." "CONFERENCE ROOM REGISTRATION OF NEW MEMBERS HERE" "Next!" "Hi." "Have they put you down yet?" " No." "I don't know if I should go today or not." "I've had some bad days lately." " Ach, bad days..." "Here's another candidate for you Mr. Tumpach!" "What's your name?" " Frank Koudelka." "Well, let's take a look at you." "Man alive, he stands there like nailed to the ground." "Where were you before?" " Me?" " Yes." " STS Chvojkovice-Brod." " Must have been a decent team." "Put him into team two." "No, that's enough!" "You're not in regular dress." "Let's not start any major action just now." "PAY OFFICE" "Frank Koudelka." "Well, Mr. Koudelka, you've only been with us a week, so your pay packet comes to 305,50" "But there are some items to be paid out of that." "Drying out, fishing out, de-mudding?" "I don't understand." " That's the Fiat, I expect." " That your total pay this time is 5,50." " Thank you." "Good morning." " Can you please let me have some good wine for up to 9,50?" " 50 crowns?" "Of course." " No, up to nine crowns, fifty hellers." " In that case, sorry." "But we have some good quality cider." "If you excuse me" " I'll had it down." "Very good." "One bottle is like another, what?" " No, no... thanks." "No." "Some business friendship between Man and Dog." "Just remember the St. Bernard's with its little barrel, ...saving lives." "Remember the film Four in a Tank plus a Dog." "That was Sharik, just an animal, what?" "Again a beautiful piece of proof." "I am not afraid to say that it was the exhibition committee," "Doktor Vlcek in fact, who brought a little fresh, new air into the competition." "There are not many competition such as this." "But I think I am talking on behalf of all of you when I say that even if it's not raining, a few raindrops are enough." "And now an interesting piece of news for you." "The editorial office of the magazine Your Four-legged Fried has issued a noteworthy novelty for breeders." "It is a dog calendar, which you can buy in area B, at the stand." "Not only Man, but even his doggie-friend will now be able to celebrate his name-day." "Like today for example:" "Have you remembered to congratulate Harry?" "It's his name day." "And frankly speaking, some sweet morsel would probably give him pleasure, too." "Tomorrow Astas have their name-day." "On Monday it's Buster, Tuesday Caesar, Wednesday Rex." "Thursday is Kazan day, Friday Ajax and Saturday Baron." "The dog calendar hasn't forgotten non-pedigree dogs, either." "For example on September 1st it's Puddly's name-day, on the second Cuddly's, on the third Muddly's, the fourth is Patch, the fifth Rover, the sixth Spot and the seventh Nora." "Film-star dogs celebrate their name-days in December." "So don't forget!" "Get your dog calendar in area B." "Well." "For now the going's good, Frankie." "Only that West-German in front of us." "Look what I bought for you from him." "Japanese bracelets." "Put yours on at once, it's very calming for the nerves." "Look, Gregory has one too." " Thank you." "Auntie, could you please lend me twenty crowns?" " You're out of money?" " That's right." " How's that?" "You had 200 crown notes in your suitcase underneath your shirts." "That's what I bought the thing for..." " Oh, this..." " Yes, this!" " Oh, I see!" "Well you see Frankie, it said in the instructions that we should wear sports apparel." "O.K., what?" "Wait!" "Here you are." "And what do you need it for?" "!" " For Judo insurance." " But you said they'd insured you already." " But they say that I'm a beginner so that I have to have additional insurance... additional." "Insurance." "Oh, don't you smell lovely!" " What of?" " Garlic toast." " Must be this." "I'm taking it to the laundry." "You'd better slip it away somewhere so it doesn't smell all over the place." " Look, this is my room." "I mean our room with the dog." "I mean with Gregory." "This is where I sleep and this is where Gregory sleeps." "I mean the other way round!" "I sleep here and Gregory there." "There's nothing in it." "Well... come into the sitting room." "This is our sitting room." "That's my aunt's and mine, together." " And your aunt doesn't know we're here?" "No." "But don't worry, she won't know a thing, because Gregory always wins a prize and then they go celebrating." "She'll stay there and..." " But it's a bit silly, isn't it?" "Just imagine how embarrassing it would be, were she to appear..." "I know, I did want to tell her, but I have these bad days now..." "But don't you worry, everything's changing on the twenty-seventh." "I'll revolt." " You'd better let me!" "If these are your bad days..." " The cork." "Now then, wait, Gregory!" "Auntie!" " And here we are." "What now?" " You must hide!" "Come, come!" "Come, quickly!" "Into the wardrobe." " Oh, go on..." " What?" "Yes, it is a bit daft." "Wait!" "Into my bed." " You're crazy?" "!" "In your bed?" " You must!" " Why in my bed?" " What?" "A book!" "Start reading!" "Quickly!" "Wait!" "I forgot the wine." "The wine." "Quick, quick, quick!" "Christ," "Look..." "Look at that..." "No, don't look..." "Turn round!" "Turn round!" "I've got a idea." "Wait!" "Here, put this on!" "Come on, stand still!" "Wait!" "Don't pick it up!" "Just leave that alone!" "Just leave that alone!" "I'll..." "I'll pick it up afterwards." "You stand here, will you." "Turn round, that's right." "Hush!" "You leave it to me!" "It'll be O.K." "Why did you take such a time opening the door?" " We have... a sudden... breakdown..." " I see." "How do you think Gregory was placed?" " First!" "First." " Well, you guessed wrong." "Fourth!" " Fourth?" " Yes." "First in Paris and fourth in a Prague suburb." "Would you believe it?" " No." "Our Gregory, and he came fourth?" " Come on..." "Well, I certainly wouldn't have... definitely not." "Maybe third." "At least." "But fourth, really..." "Fourth..." "Frankie...!" " Well, if he came fourth, then I really don't understand a thing any more I just don't... understand it." "And he had that bracelet, then surely I wouldn't have thought he'd come..." "It can't be." "Oh!" "Who's eating ginger-bread off my cottage?" "Come and meet." "This is my aunt..." "my aunt." "And this is my the television mechanic..." "Who repairs television sets." "If..." "And what you see in her hand, auntie, that's a hammer." "I mean, that's a tool ...and she's just finished." "So..." "Now she's just going to work it out." "...that means generally..." "We..." "They usually send men from the TV service place, but this time..." "There was something they couldn't..." "and so this woman is." "What they sent..." "She brought some wine..." "I mean I bought it, but actually she sort of..." "She's a teetotaller." "An absolute teetotaller." "We spilled it." "See, we spilled it all." " Don't you worry, children." "I know what to do..." " Please don't be angry with us, Mrs Sykora." "I told Frank that he ought to tell you." "After all he is of age." "So why should he keep it a secret that we go out together?" " After a moment the old man came puffing up to the field." "He stops by the old woman and asks:" "Tell me, woman, have two children come this way?" " Look here, my dear young lady..." " You can call Blanche Blanche, auntie." " Look here, my dear young lady, Frankie's mother is very poor, she lives in a tiny cottage." "When she wants to send me a present, she sends me one egg." "And in exchange for that she expects me to see to it that her son remains a good boy while he's in Prague." "And aren't I, auntie?" "I would not like to offend you, young lady, but Frank has to make his choice." "Either he lives with me and holds a decent job, or girls!" "Gregory, come along!" "Woman, I'm asking you, have two children passed this way?" "Listen, auntie, Blanche isn't a..." "she isn't a girl!" "Woman..." "Well... that was unpleasant, wasn't it." " That it was." "Well now!" "So my first warning wasn't sufficient?" "So let's try a sharper note, shall we?" " Stop it, Charles." "Coming home too?" "Come along, then!" " Good night, Blanche." " So this is the last time!" "Fifteen metres from this young lady is the closest for you, d'you hear?" "Fifteen metres." " Come on!" "Did you see what he dares suggest with that little hand of his?" "Now then, this is the limit..." "Let me out!" "One ticket for Wednesday, one for Thursday, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one by the isle." "I mean all of them by the isle!" "Heavens, can't you all go together?" "I hope I don't see you here again tomorrow, Mack!" " Unless you change your saloon, sheriff." "Well, if you insist..." "Get down off that lamp, Donald, I can see you!" "Get off those rungs, Zachata!" "Quickly!" "Quickly!" "Quickly!" "As you know, Hemele is in the army now and Smola has fallen sick." "So that one of the new men will have to stand in to complete the team." "We shall of course not be expecting any miracles from him." "Just that he participates and that he isn't too much of a duffer." "Now then, you'll be wanting to volunteer." "Well?" "Come on..." "So nobody's volunteering?" "In that case I'll have to make my own choice." "What's that man's name from that Chvojkovice place." "The one I tested when he joined us?" "Ah, here you are!" "What's your name?" " Koudelka." " Well, you seem to be promising for a beginner!" "Would you dare take it on?" " The twenty-seventh is a Wednesday." "According to that chart of yours that should be your lucky day." "So let's see how it works!" "If you think so... all right..." "I mean if you need me to make up the number..." "I mean in the interests of them team..." "I mean in the interests of the team..." "Maybe somebody else should take it on." " Fine!" "That's a nice resolute answer." "A real man we have here." "So seventh in the team is Hemelka." "Koudelka." " Pity I shan't be here." "I've got a moonlighting job on in Jesenice that night." "I've promised." "Well, 'bye." "What will the gentleman have?" "I wanted to warn you not to leave Prague on Wednesday the twenty-seventh." "Just wanted to warn you, that's all." "Ciao." "I hope I shan't be seeing you here tomorrow, Mack!" " Unless you change your saloon, sheriff." "Well, if you insist..." "Get down off that lamp, Donald, I can see you!" "Come here, Mrs Mrazek!" "Just look at the man in the eighth row, by the aisle." "This is the fourth day I've been watching him go on like this." "Today is Wednesday, September the twenty-seventh." "Czechoslovak Radio opens the day's transmissions and wishes you a very good day." "Did you want anything, Frank?" " I only wanted to tell you that I'll be coming home when I want and with whom I want." "Frankie, how dare you...!" " And as far as Gregory goes, I'm going to walk him no more often than every other day from now on, at the utmost." "One night you, one night me!" "Shofer." " What shauffeur?" " Shofer!" " Oh, and where do you come from?" " From Vesely." " I see." " Good morning, Mr Pouza." " Hello there." " How are we today?" " Not worth a decent shit, chum." "I'm run off my feet." "Now this Shofer..." " That means your critical day is on." "You need strong nerves." "You need extra resistance." " What are you babbling about?" " A star means success." "Are you stupid, or what?" "!" "Now boys, and get going!" " Won't work, boss." " See, that's what the results are..." "We don't know how to spend our money, so we stay up till all hours of the morning painting the town red - I saw you - and then, then this." "We can't lift a thing." " Boys, boys, boys..." " All of a sudden." "Can't lift an ordinary little load!" " Excuse me." " Get off, stupid!" "Just a moment!" "Hey, this is the new man." "The Shofer guy." " Ah yes, come along then!" " Good morning." " Who did it?" " Koudelka." "Must have gone mad or something." " Christ..." "Come with me!" "Come here!" "Stop whistling!" "Come here, Frank!" "Look here!" "I'm absolutely dense today." " Oh come on..." " I'm just plain stupid today." "Do this for me, will you?" "I've got all of yesterday's bribes on me." "Take them and keep them for me, of I'd go and lose them." "My brain's in a critical state." " Critical?" "Yes." "Dear friend." "The plant in which you have decided to work is on of the most modern in Europe." "After all, you can see for yourself." "But it is our duty to point out certain pitfalls in your new job." "Koudelka..." "What do you see?" " A car." " Correct." "What else?" " A mechanic." " Correct." "Absolutely correct, my boy." "You see how well they are doing?" "Here Koudelka, for example." "Hop!" "But attention!" "Every three months one these men leaves our garage gates in an ambulance." "Oh!" "Well that's..." "That's some class, Sir!" "Excuse me!" "Sir!" " And each one of them was told by our manager here when he started..." " Wait!" "You see that?" "You see that?" "Pockets full of bribes." " My goodness..." " Well!" "Finish what you were saying." " My goodness..." " Go on, say it!" "Clock in this mornig and now this." " He was here just a minute ago!" " Well!" "Well...!" " I must be going mad." " And here we are." "And I told every one of them here right here at this spot..." "Turn him around!" "I told him:" "Don't take bribes..." "Don't take bribes, or you'll go crazy." "And he didn't take my advice." "Kokoloushek!" "Koudelka, did you say?" "You sure keep us busy, Mr Karfik." "Yes, I'll send my men over as soon as they come in." "Look here, Beda, I'd like to toodle off now." "Will you please mark my card for me when you leave." " Hm, I'll be here till late anyway, I've got to finish this frying-pan." " I've got that competition on today, so forgive me for not helpings you." " That's O.K. If the guy hadn't paid for the job in advance," "I'd have come to take a look at you." "But he needs the car in the morning." "Well, I don't know, where would Koudelka..." "Just a moment!" "Hm, right." "And now let them change roles!" " That's right." "Now Ruzicka will be the customer and Manas the mechanic." "And try to really put yourselves in their places, boys, so that it's natural-like." " This is the anti-bribery course." "Good morning, Mr Ruzicka." " Good morning, Mr Manas." " Well, the car's ready." " I'm terribly glad, Mr Manas." "And here's something for you." "A few hundred-crown bank notes of mine for you." " Oh no indeed, I couldn't, because we get a regular monthly salary." " And what about bricks, Mr Manas?" " Is Koudelka here by any chance?" " Well, bricks." " I don't have any here." " Whatcher mean you don't have any, this sort of thing, pretend." " Can I accept bricks?" " Just a moment!" "This is a scandal." "So Koudelka walks out of the place during work-hours." "What do you want?" "Come here!" " You ask him!" " If I can accept bricks?" "You see?" "There's an example for you bricks..." "Although that is actually no classical bribe, we feel that it certainly would be..." "On the other hand..." "No accepting bricks!" "Continue!" " And what..." "Yes." "Oh but..." "Mr Manas!" "What do I see?" "Show me your teeth!" "What if I..." " Whatcher doing?" " What if you came and visited me at my surgery and I pulled all your teeth out." " Sir, he wants to pull all my teeth out." "A bribe through the offer of another service." "Not permissible." "Just a minute, I'm not giving him anything in this case." "I'm taking something away from him." "Calm down, calm down, calm down!" "Such a thing really can happen." "Say the customer is a doctor and offers us some sort of medical assistance." "Like taking out our appendix, for example." "And so I ask you:" "By taking out our appendix, is he..." "No accepting appendices!" " That's right." " Prouza, what do you sit in that porter's lodge for if anybody can come and go as they like?" " He must have slithered through somehow." " Slithered..." " So we go back with an empty bag again." "...some new, fresh air." "There aren't many young people who cultivate this sport single-mindedly." "But as we Judo-players say, there's no need for a shower, a few rain-drops will do too." "Thank you for your kind attention." "And now the first contestants are walking up for their fight." "Karel Vomacka, Kyu one, and Frank Koudelka, Kyu four." "Koudelka!" "Remember what we said!" "We need no more from you than not to lose under the limit." "And not be disqualified." "We are counting with your being beaten." "But see that it's according to the rules." "See?" " Don't worry, this is my day!" "I'll strike him down he won't know where the lightning struck from." "That was good, Koudelka!" "There now, god... good man!" " I just need to pop off to a buffet," "I need to pop off." " No doping, Koudelka!" " No." "I just have to arrange something, something important." " Well, you have something under an hour's time, so get a move on!" " I'll get a move on." "STS Chvojkovice-Brod." "Hm..." "Hi, boys!" "Where's that squirt who's at the bar usually?" " What?" "You mean me?" "No, sorry!" "I'm looking for your colleague." "You'll have to go to Jesenice!" "He's barman at a dance there." "Hello, hello!" "Contestant Koudelka!" "Contestant Koudelka, into the ring at once." "I repeat:" "Contestant Koudelka into the ring at once." " O.K., I'm coming!" "Listen, Koudelka!" "That Vomacka chap had the jaundice not long ago, he was quite out of form, this is another kettle of fish, you be careful and don't risk too much!" " Don't you worry!" "I'll smash him up too." "And now we see Frank Koudelka, Kyu four, with Jan Slama, Kyu two." "Koudelka, man alive, I just don't know you." " I need to pop off to Jesenice." " What?" " I mean to the work-shop, I need to pop off to the garage." " Do." "There's such a heap of nonsense in here, it makes my head spin." " Listen, whose is it?" " Some Danish musician's." " Ah..." "Look... repair the air... condition." " If at least I knew where the air conditioning motor is." " Beda boy, maybe it's this." " It is, you know?" "!" " Hasn't he got it all shiny, what?" "Well, these foreign makes..." "This is brass!" " And who's supposed to know one's way round the thing?" "God, and just today I have such a darned stupid head." " Hey, look, it's come apart here." " But where on earth do I put the end?" "!" " What about trying here?" " You're right again, you know?" "Wait!" "Wait, I'll try it and see what happens." " Give it a try!" "I must say, Mr Prouza..." " There now!" "Beautiful timing, beautiful!" "Well, brass..." "Coming!" "Yes, yes..." "I'm coming!" " Good evening, Mr Prouza." " Ah, welcome, my boy, welcome." " Come right in!" "And I'll lock up again after you." " I only want... you see I need..." " So what people don't toodle in" " Perhaps I'll just... and out all the time, see!" "Hello!" "Psychiatry?" "This is Prouza, the porter." "Hello Beda." "I need to borrow a car." " For how long?" " I'd bring it back in the morning." " Hm, all right!" "Wait!" "Come here!" "But you do something for me in that case." "Look here, you know that woman..." "Mrs Neyella." " I know." "Whose husband is abroad all the time." " That's right." "It's her birthday today and I can't go and visit her." "And you know these types, she's one of those who likes these pretty little ways and stuff and my intelligence is at zero." "Look here, here's fifty crowns and go and get her a big bunch of roses." "But look here, they have to be roses, because yesterday, when my brain still worked, I made up a poem for her." "Roses are a step to love - from Beda with love to roses." " You really made that up all by yourself?" "You're really quite..." "...a poet!" "'Th..." "That's what I call a poem!" "Bye, than." "Should you need me, I'm off to Jesenice." " 'Bye, Frank!" "Hey there, Beda, get me a bottle of beer on your test run!" "Hello there." " Where is that Koudelka guy?" " The one you called us up about?" " Come with me!" " Look, over there in hall two." " He's blondish, with nose and ears..." " That'll be him!" "That'll definitely be him." " Come along!" " Carefully, Ernest!" "These are trousers." "Yeah..." "As I said, intelligence at zero point." "And now you'll hear a recording of today's Judo event." "Right at the start I'll tell you that we had a great surprise." "A new man in the team, Frank Koudelka, made light work of removing that old veteran, Vomacka, an hour ago." "And now he's going to fight the Brno favourite, Slama." "And he is really doing well." "We wish him all possible success." "He is a very pleasant boy." "Well prepared technically and physically." "All his future lies before him." "One hold after another, excellent hand a footwork." "He is fast, full of fighting spirit." "That's how it should be." "That's what we like." "Really a great performance." "And now the next two combatants, Josef Sindelar and Frantisek Vlcek." "So you are not Mr. Koudelka?" " No." " You see, patient Koudelka maintains that his name is not Koudelka." "Let us pose another question." "Do you work as a car mechanic?" " Yes." " Do notice that, the patient remembers his vocation." "Which means we have a very usual case of madness here." " Look here, just you say I'm mad once again and I'll lick the place to pieces for you!" " Yes, yes." "Moderate aggressiveness, more or less verbial only." "Dangerous madmen catch hold of any weapon they can in such a situation immediately." "Whatever comes to hand." "An ashtray, a stick, a book, scissors or even a violin bow." "Are you looking for Mrs Neyella, by any chance?" "You must be Mr. Hudecek in that case?" " Well, actually I... actually I..." " I have a message for you, you are to join her at chateau Konopiste right away." "There's some sort of a show on there." "Here's a ticket for you." "Or they wouldn't let you in otherwise, see." "Well, be seeing you." "And now, dear friends, I give you Frank Koudelka again, starting off for his next fight." "He's really shaking with eagerness." "Shaking to get at his rival." "He is not afraid, he attacks with great speed, energy, in a very special and characteristic style." "Keep it up Koudelka!" "He really has tremendous physical strength." "One hold after another." "Excellent!" "Yes, and Koudelka has won." "And that is the end of our short TV shot." "Is this right for Konopiste, please?" " Yes, straight on." " I hear there's some sort of a show on?" " Yes, right beyond the next bend." "There are droves of organizers around." "You can ask them." " Fine." "Thanks." "And I should like to thank the organizers of this race, particularly Doctor Kratky, for not being afraid to let some clean, fresh air into our motorism." "Could you please..." " Give him number thirty-five!" " No..." "Excuse me, I only want to get to Chateau Konopiste..." " Go!" "Go!" "...of very telling names." "Ada Skalicka, number ten and then number twelve..." " I only want to..." " Go!" " Go, go!" " It's a fact that there aren't many competitions of this kind." "But as we motorists say:" " What are you doing?" " There's no need for a shower, a few drops help too." "KONOPISTE TOUR 12" "TO KONOPISTE CHATEAU" "Yes, friends, this is the winner of this year's seventh competition dog-show the Klatovy show, which took place there this afternoon." " Yes, yes..." "You see, Gregory..." "Janda from Chrudim was there again with that poor fish of his and he went and won." "Just look at that?" "Sit up straight!" " And now for motorism fans." "Over to our team at Konopiste." "We are just in time to see the winners take their stand." "Mrs Sykora speaking." "Who?" "Psychiatry?" "Yes, yes." "For God's sake..." "But... well, actually he did seem a bit odd today." "What do you say he says?" "But no... surely... no..." "But I..." "For Goodness sake here he is." "Professor, I can see him!" "For God's sake!" "Whose sake?" "On, I see." "Yes." "And what sort of a form does this vision of yours have?" "You say he's standing on a pedestal." "And wearing what?" "A wreath?" "Something like..." "like a funeral?" "Mrs Sykora, Vinohrady." "Just go on talking, Mrs Sykora!" "Yes, yes I'm listening." "Ribbons, yes." "Manes Street number 10." "Really a beautiful vision!" "Just show me the list of competitors!" "He's not on it." "No Koudelka exists on that list." " Calm down, calm down!" "We'll find an explanation." "If you are right, then of course you are first, as always." " In that case of course I must insist on a repetition of the ceremony." "Our institution, Mr Hudecek, I mean to say on behalf of our institution permit me to apologize for this sorry mistake, the sort of mistake that happens once in ten years at the utmost." "I was on my way to some show at the chateau, nobody asked me a thing, they slapped a number on my car..." " Man alive, and did you have to drive that fast?" "!" "Is that the sort of speed for excursions to shows?" " As soon as I stopped everybody kept shouting:" "Go, go, go!" " Mr Chairman, I must insist on a repetition of the ceremony." "We wish to announce a change in the previously announced results." "First place goes to Stanislav Volejnik, number twelve." "Congratulations." " Thank you." "Would the mother whose pram with child are crying in front of the toilets please come and fetch the aforesaid child." " Thanks." " Congratulations." " Thanks." " Congratulations." " Thanks." " This way, please." "This way." " Hooray!" "I've won!" "Hooray!" "J APANESE MINIATURES BY UKO JESITA" "Who are we waiting for?" " The Japanese artist is to open the show personally." " Oh, I see." "Where can he be?" "This way, please." " Most honoured maestro." "On behalf of the exhibition committee permit me to welcome you most sincerely at this festive opening of you exhibition at Konopiste Chateau." "So you are not Mr Koudelka?" " I am not!" "And let me proclaim here and publicly that when I see him I'll shoot him down." " The most dangerous type of madman of all uses fire-arms." "And not only pistols and guns." "Just look at this old rifle." "It belonged to Josef Maranek from Prague, Podoli." "He ruined three ambulances before we managed to bring him back to our institution." "But let us now return to Mr Koudelka here." "This way, please." " How charming that he arrived in the Japanese national costume." " It suits him so beautifully." " Just look!" "He is wearing a Japanese bracelet!" "I hear it's compulsory now in Japan." " But his eyes aren't very slanted." " They have operations done nowadays." "What's up?" " I think I know him from somewhere." "Roses are a step to love - from Beda with love to roses." "Excuse me." "On behalf of our institution, Mr Volejnik, please accept our apologies for this sorry mistake, the sort of mistake that happens twice in ten years... at the utmost." "Twice." " Well, I hope you catch him." "I'm telling you, he must be at that show." "His car has a Danish number-plate." "Goodbye." "But of course it was me who won the race!" "I won it, Sir, I!" "I have the honour of opening the exhibition of the Japanese miniatures painter, Uko Jeshita." "The maestro was originally a watch-maker." "And maybe it was working with a microscope that awoke in him originally this longing to concentrate all his powerful genius on canvases measured in millimetres." "Let us for example take a look at the Fight between Odysseus and Cyclopus." "On an area two by two millimetres we see a battle raging between Man and the elements." "A hard and merciless battle." "A battle to the death." "But what tenderness there is in this battle, too." "The painter seems to have been handling Cyclops with a loving touch." "And so..." "And so let us pass on." "Jeshita's artistic path is admirably straight, with a firm aim in view." "Everything the artist has touched, everywhere we feel the delicate fingers of Jeshita-the-watchmaker." "Many of you may ask... where actually does Jeshita the Painter stand?" "My answer is:" "With feet planted firmly on the ground." "It was Jeshita who let in a little new," " This way, please!" " Fresh air into world painting." "There aren't many artists of his format." "But that does not matter, friends." "I think that I am saying this on behalf of all of us..." "We think that there doesn't have to be a shower, that a few rain-drops are good enough too." "And not let us walk over to the pool, where our committee has prepared a little refreshment - freshly caught raw gold-fish" " Japanese, of course." "This way." "Who arrived in this car?" " The Japanese painter." "He's upstairs, at the show." " A Japanese." "A Japanese painter in a Danish car!" " This time it's dead cert, chum." "This is Mr. Uko Yeshita." "I cannot understand what happened." " Welcome." "Listen, which is the Japanese guy?" " The over there, talking to those gentlemen." " But I smell a rat." "A real Japanese would be wearing a bracelet..." " Yeah." " Excuse me." " Excuse me." " This way." " This way." "How do you like our exhibition, maestro?" " Could we talk to this gentleman?" " For a moment." "Mr Yeshita says that the environment for the exhibition was chosen extremely suitably." " Tell him that we'll show him a much better environment still!" " Mr Yeshita says, well, it's a bit difficult to translate, it's sort of word game." "Literally is says how many cherries, so many cherries but the actual meaning..." " He can talk as much gibberish as he likes, we're used to that sort of thing." "Hop, in you go!" "That's right, in you go." "Alligator." "Mr Yeshita is asking if you're taking him far?" " Tell him he'll be there in two ticks." " In two ticks." "That's a bit of a puzzle for a translator to interpret too..." "Yeshita, Yeshita - you're in the bag!" " The old man'll be agape when we bring in this one!" "This is unbelievable stupidity." "Looks like I'll have to go out catching my own patients..." "Nurse, get me the Oriental Languages Institute," "Japanese section." "Such ignorance!" "Such irresponsibility!" "This is..." "Yes, I even dare use the word..." "This is..." "Kokoloushek." "Would you kindly translate a sentence for a patient of mine?" "Here we go." "Our institution on behalf of your institution" "wishes to apologize most profoundly for this worry mistake" "that happens at the utmost..." "How many times, nurse?" "...three times in ten years." "Tell them, will you, that he always comes and with no reason on earth and will you kindly emphasize that - for no reason on earth - he attacks me." "Tell them he's been here twice and he threatened to come back a third time." "He's raving mad!" " Come here!" "Wait!" "Madhouse." "Mad... mad... mad... madrigal..." "See Concert Association..." "Professor, there was a 'phone call from a gymnasium to say that Koudelka keeps coming back there and attacking one of the employees for no reason." " Oh, Frankie!" " A clear case of insultation mania." "Holna, Malota!" "But this time I'm coming with you!" "They weren't looking for me, were they?" " But the contest... finished ages ago, my boy." " Good." "Charlie, be careful!" "Here he is again." "I repeat:" "Charlie, Charlie!" "Mind out, he comes again!" "Where is he?" " He just went upstairs." " Wait, wait!" "What is he wearing?" " Those Japanese togs." "Whatchermecallits - a kimono." "I've got him!" "Charlie, it's O.K. Now, they've got him." "I repeat:" "Charlie, Charlie!" "They've got him!" "Hello, boys!" "Where's that shity bloke who sells beer?" "Get down from that lamp, Donald!" "I can see you." "Frankie, stop it!" "Don't behave like some little Jerry!" " Oh, is it a quarter to one already?" "That means I'm down in my crisis days, have been for fifteen minutes now." "I propose... permit me to propose..." "...interrupting the fight until the fourteenth of next month." "Be seeing you!" "Charles!" "Let him be, don't behave like some little Jerry." "Hurry, hurry up, chum!" " Yeah... come on, come on, come on!" " We have to..." "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "I..." "I'll get him..." " That's him!" "See?" "Just look, according to the photograph, it's him." " Let's go!" "Can you tell me..." "...your name, please?" " Frank Koudelka." " Jerry, stop it!" "Don't behave like some little Charlie." " You keep out of it." " But they're fighting because of me!" "Could you please show us your identity card?" "Koudelka!" " Koudelka!" " You..." " Leave him alone!" "Wait!" "I think this time there can't be a mistake, chum!" " Consider well, chum!" " Just look at him, man!" "Just look at him!" "Just a moment!" "Look, the very image..." " Identity correct too, he even confessed to being Koudelka." " Please continue." "Into the bag with him, chum!" "Frank!" "We've got him!" " He's in the bag!" " Koudelka!" "Come along, then." " Shove him in!" "Hop you go inside!" "Look here!" "Frank, this just can't go on." "You and Charles would keep fighting, and then at work I can't do a thing right for him" "And your aunt..." "She won't leave us alone either." "I'm sorry to be telling you in your weak moment, but I think we should get married." "O.K., but how can I go and get married in this..." "I'm not in all that much of a hurry." "We can wait till tomorrow." "I'll show you, you and your Koudelka!" "I'll show you!" "I'll..." "I'll set fire to this Koudelka of yours!" "Load her up!" "There!" "That Kokoloushek chap is driving me mad!" "How do you set about it all, good neighbours, that you're so successful?" " Frank always knows when to do what." "On Thursday I'm building that barn." "Are you Frank Koudelka, born in'... fifty two?" " Yes, that's me." "Our computing centre South would like to apologize most profoundly." "We have found that the condition charts we have been sending you for years don't belong to you at all, but to your name-sake, old-sake, old-age pensioner Frank Koudelka in Pribram." " If I may introduce myself, I am Tony Trousil." "As the cause of the error was a faulty electrode E 13 produced at our plant Catode, Olomouc, our factory would like to join in in the apologies." "We are convinced that this error may have caused some irreparable damage in your life, and that is why we would be happy for you to accept a little gift, this eight-cylinder car Tatra, which is testing some new equipment" "with pertinax carburettor and radial oil circulation." " All the best with the Pertinax." "What about going for a ride?" " Yeah, where to?" "Somewhere for a dip..." "THE END"