" Mornin', Mrs Tuttle." " Mornin' Mr Kettle." " Howdy, Lem." " How." " How." " Hi, George." " Lovely morning', Mr Kettle." " Howdy." "How." "Whoa." "Mornin', Pa." " Howdy." " How are ya, boys?" " How." " Well, what can I do for you today?" "I'd like a little..." "loose tobacco." "What brand do you want?" "The last batch I got sort of burnt my tongue." " Oh." " Do you mind if I sample a little?" "Oh, I guess it's okay." "Uh, but no pipe-fuls!" "Hmm, seems like I forgot my pipe." "Do you mind if I borrow one?" "Got a match?" "I got everything you wanted packed." " Uh, you feel all right, honey?" "Oh." " Yes, thank you, Ma." "For goodness sake, son, why don't you sit down and relax?" "Anybody'd think you was gonna have the baby!" "That's the way Pa acted with our first six or seven, but he got used to it." "Ma, he's afraid the baby might arrive before the doctor." "Well, what if it does!" "That wouldn't bother me." "Don't see why you have to go to the hospital anyway." "I had 15 right in the house... and there ain't nothin' wrong with any of'em." " He's one of'em to prove it." " Oh, Ma!" "Hiya, Doc!" "That must be Doc Bagley now." "Gee, Doc, I thought you'd never get here." " Hi, Doc." " Hi, Ma." "What're you worrying' about?" "Her pulse is all right." " Are we all ready?" "Well, let's get going." " Yes." " Were you able to arrange for a room at the hospital?" " It's all ready and waiting." "You'd better get one for Tom too." "Don't think he's gonna last out the day." "Maybe I'd better stay behind, try to get hold of Pa." " He's got no idea he's gonna be a grandpa so sudden-like." " Do you know where he is?" "Downtown, I guess, someplace." "Soon as we get to the hospital, I'll telephone my office." "My nurse will locate him." "All right now." "I no like this one." "Taste like clamshell." "Try this." "Little better, ain't it?" "Smells like someone's shoeing a horse." "Did you fellows come in here to buy some tobacco, or just for a smokin' binge?" "When you go to buy a horse, you ride him first, don't ya?" "Yes, but..." "Billy Reed speaking'." "Who?" "Eh, Pa Kettle?" "Yeah, he's here." "Pa Kettle's what?" "Oh, all right." "A" " All right, I'll tell him." "Pa... you gotta go to the hospital right away." " Who's sick?" " Uh, nobody." "Mrs Kettle's having a baby." " Ma's what?" " Doc Bagley's nurse just told me." "Well, what do you know?" "Me, a father again!" " Gosh and all hemlock!" " Well, go ahead." "You gotta get down there quick!" " Yeah, I gotta..." "Right now." " No, Pa!" "This way!" "This is my 16th." "Why didn't Ma tell me?" " Miss, Miss, Miss." "Where..." " Yes, sir?" "Wh-Where can I find Mrs Kettle?" "Just a minute." "You'll find Mrs Kettle in Room 115, right down the corridor." " No, this way." "Yes." " Oh, yes." "Thank you." "Pardon me." "I'm looking for my wife." " Y-You mean Mrs Kettle?" " That's right." " You're Mr Kettle?" " That's right." " Nothin' gone wrong, I hope." " Oh, n-no, nothing at all." "It's, uh..." "Mrs Kettle's been taken to the delivery room." "Oh." "Well, I have to go down there, I guess." "Well, just..." "just a minute, Mr Kettle." "I think it would be better if you wait in the waiting room." "Nobody's allowed in the delivery room." "Now if you'll just go right down to the end of this corridor... and if you'll turn to your right." "Well, thanks anyway." "Waiting room?" "Your first one?" "I know just how you feel, son." "I was that way myself for the first few." "But... nothing to it." "This one will be my 16th." "You've gone through this 15 times before?" "It's just like shelling peas." " Mr Chadwick?" " Yes, ma'am?" " You're the father of a six-and-a-half-pound baby girl." " Whoopee!" "Just a minute, nurse." " I was here ahead of him." " Yes, I know." "That's a hospital for you." "I never had one in a hospital before." "Had all the rest of'em right in the house." "Haven't had one now for quite a spell." "We was beginnin' to think' Ma was mad at kids." " Mr, uh..." "Mr Kettle?" " I'm Mr Kettle." "Your wife just presented you with an eight-pound baby boy." "I'll let you know when you can see her." "See what I mean?" "It's just like shelling peas." "Doc, how's Ma?" "Fine." "And happy." "You should have seen her dancing around the room." " Ma was dancing?" " You don't celebrate a thing like this every day." "No, I don't suppose you do." "It didn't take long, did it, Doc?" "No indeed." "Ma stepped out for a drink of water... and when she came back, heh... there it was." "She went..." "It..." "It happened when Ma was in the hall?" "Right by the water cooler." "See you later, Pa." "Poor Ma." "I knew Ma'd come through." "She always does." "Our trouble now is to find a name." "We used up so many." "Shadrach." "That was Ma's idea." "Well, Pa, it's all over." "So the nurse just told me." "I'm glad it's a boy, Ma." "Oh, Ma!" "You shouldn't be out here." "Where should I be?" "I know you're of pioneer stock, but you could at least stay in bed a couple of hours." "Stay in bed?" "What for?" "It was Kim that had the baby." "You mean it was Kim who had the baby?" "Who do you think had it?" "Me?" "Oh, Pa, you simpleton!" "Did anything happen?" "Tom, you're the father of an eight-pound baby boy." "Eight pounds." "Come and get it!" "Manners, manners." "Thanks a lot for what's been put before us... and thanks for the new addition to the family." "Amen." "Let's eat." "Someone at the door, Ma." "I heard it." "Telegram, Mrs Kettle." " Who's it from?" " Must be friends of yours." "Nobody I know." "Go ahead." "It's not bad news." "Quiet, quiet, children." "Quiet down!" "Quiet down!" " Who was it, Ma?" " The Western Union boy." " It's from Kim's pa and ma." " Well, what did they say?" ""Will arrive in the morning." "Elizabeth and Jonathan Parker. "" "You kids hurry up and finish your breakfast, 'cause I've got to get this place cleaned up." "When Kim's pa and ma get here, I want you all to be on your good behaviour." "We want to make their visit as pleasant as possible, don't we?" "Yeah!" "You don't suppose that's them already, do you?" "I'll go see." "Well, not as bad as I expected." "It is them." "Boys, go out and help 'em with their grips." " Get a move-on!" "Hurry up!" "Hurry up!" " Anything I can do, Ma?" "Yes." "Stay outta sight and get some clothes on." "Uh, n-n-no, no, boys." "I'm Ma Kettle." "You must be Elizabeth." " How do you do?" " You must be Jonathan." "Too bad you wasn't here when the baby come." "You folks had anything to eat yet?" " We had coffee on the train." " Coffee?" "That ain't much." "Come on in the house and I'll give you something that'll stick to your ribs." " Oh!" "My brand new luggage!" " Here!" "Here, boys." "Benjamin, let go of that!" " Well, don't just stand there like an idiot." "Do something." " Yes, Elizabeth, dear." "Jonathan, put a stop to this!" "Stop it, I say!" "Now look what you've done." "What'll these folks think of us?" "Get in the house!" "Here, let me do that." "Sure will be glad when school starts tomorrow." "I had no idea reform schools ever closed." " Now leave everything to Mother." "I'll attend to everything." "What name have you decided to give the child?" "Well, we sort of thought we'd name him after his father." "Thomas?" "Oh, but my dear..." "Thomas is such an ordinary name;" "it has no... no character..." " no colour." " Thomas Jefferson's name was Thomas!" "Well, of course there are always exceptions." "Personally I should like to see the child named after his grandfather." "I'm sure Mr Kettle will approve of that." " Yes, ma'am, I sure do." " Then it's agreed." "His name shall be Jonathan." "I never put in such a day in my whole life." "If that old gal stays in this house another day, I'll go plumb crazy!" " Not so loud, Ma." "She'll hear you." " Oh, I don't care if she does." "It wasn't enough moving the furniture." "Now she's got to have a private nurse for the baby." " A private nurse?" " Yes, a private nurse." "She ordered one this afternoon from Turnerville." "Did I have a nurse for you or any of the other 14?" "If I don't know how to take care of babies, I don't know who does." "Well, Ma, it won't be for long." "It won't, huh?" "I'll bet she hangs around till after the christening'... to make sure the baby gets the name she wants." " What name does she want?" " Jonathan." "But Kim and I'd sort of decided on Thomas." "Well, she's decided different." "She says..." ""Thomas is so ordinary;" "it has no character, no colour. "" "I got nothin' against the name of Jonathan." "Just that she insists on it." "I know how you feel, Ma." "But for Kim and my sake... overlook whatever Mrs Parker does for the next couple of days." "As soon as she goes, you can run things the way you want to." "I don't want to run things, Tom." "After all, it's yours and Kim's baby." "But if that old dame thinks she..." "# Oh say can you see by the dawn's early light #" " Now smile." " Oh!" "Sit yourselves wherever you like, folks." "Howdy, Ma." "Howdy, folks." "Children, children, your supper is served." "Children, I said your supper is served." "Come and get it!" "Now children, be sure and eat all your lunch." "And Ruthie, keep your ears open for what the teacher says." " And then you'll learn somethin'." "Ain't that right, honey?" " Yes, Ma." " Now run along, children." " Thanks, Ma." " Goodbye, Ma." "Goodbye, Ma." "What time is Tom bringin' Kim and the baby home, Ma?" "He's picking 'em up around noon." "With Kim and the baby comin' home, and that nurse arriving' today..." "I don't know where we're all gonna sleep." "Oh, we'll manage it somehow." "Look, Ma, to make things more comfortable all around... how about me and all the boy kids movin' over to the old house for a spell?" "Just till Kim's folks go away." "Pa, you know, you and I... have been under the same roof ever since we was married." "Besides, who'd get your meals on time, take care of you?" "Oh, I'd have all my meals here, Ma." " It's just sleepin' I'm worried about." " Well, I'll think about it." "Good morning." "Good morning, Mrs Kettle." " Good morning." " How's Mr Kettle this morning?" " Pa is the name." " Okay, Pa." "I wonder if it'd be all right if I took Mrs Parker's breakfast up to her room?" "She's not feeling well." "There's just certain things she can eat." "Would it be asking too much of you to fix her a couple of coddled eggs?" " A couple of what?" " Coddled eggs." "Oh, well, if you'd asked for coddled eggs a few days ago, you could've had 'em." "But yesterday, somehow or other, I broke my coddler." "That's wonderful!" "Wait till I finish this, and I'll boil you a couple." " Pa, go over to the old house and bring some more eggs." " Right away, Ma." "Wait just a moment." "I want to go along with you." "Are those grits?" " That's right." " I haven't tasted grits since I was a boy." " You mind if I have some?" " Help yourself." "Thanks." "Thank you." "You're a good cook, Ma." " Well, I guess I'd better boil those eggs for your wife." " Oh, let the old buzzard wait." "You know, Jonathan..." "I think I'm gonna like you." " Oh, look at me." " Oh!" "Guess I'll have to fix this one of these days." " You all right?" " Yeah, yeah, I'm all right." "Oh, but I cracked one of the eggs." "You're quite a fellow, Pa." " I am?" " Yes, you are." "Lose somethin'?" " No, it's just hard for me to forget my old business." " Oh, that's right." " You were in some sort of mining business, weren't you?" " Yeah, mining engineer." "Yeah." "You ever find any of this atom stuff I hear so much about?" " Heh, wish I had." " Me too." "I saw on television, a fellow up north of here... found a whole batch of it growing right in his backyard." " Now he's fixed for life." " Well, I don't doubt it." "Uranium ore is very valuable." "Aw, it's all right." "Make it easier for me to get into." "Just, uh, what is this uranium stuff, anyhow?" " Uranium?" " Uh-huh." "Uranium's a white, lustrous, uh, radioactive, uh, metallic element... having compounds which they use in photography and colouring glass." "Mm-hmm." "The isotope U-235 is capable of continuous fission, and the..." " It's used in the atomic bomb." " Well, now I understand what the stuff is..." " I can see why it's so valuable." " Oh, yes." "Uh, that, uh, nurse woman's here... and she wants to teach you about hygienes or somethin'..." " before the baby gets here." " What's hygienes?" "I don't know, but it's got somethin' to do with one of these things." " More of Elizabeth's ideas, I'll bet." " Who else?" "Masks down." "Ma..." " Jonathan, what kept you so long?" " Well, you see, I..." "Get cleaned up at once." "The baby will be here any minute." "Yes, Elizabeth, dear." " That's her." " Which one is it?" "Miss Quimby, this is Pa, my husband." " How do you do?" " Likewise, I'm sure." "I'll take 'em, Pa." "Miss Quimby here wants to... give you a few pointers on how to raise babies." "Seems we did everything wrong with this bunch." "Somethin' new's been added." "Mrs Kettle, whatever Miss Quimby and I are doing... is in the child's interest hygienically." "You could at least cooperate." " Oh, I could, huh?" " And be less rebellious." "It seems to me if the baby's raisin' was left to its parents, we'd all be better off." "She's right." "You see, when I went..." "Go ahead, Miss Quimby, give him his instructions." "Now, for rule number one, under no condition... will I allow you to go near the child without wearing one of these." "Comports herself real well, don't she..." "Hey!" " They're here!" " Oh!" "Masks up." "Hurry!" "Hurry, children." "Masks up." "Mrs Kettle!" "Didn't you hear me?" "Masks up." " Hello, Ma." " Hello, Kim." "Come back here." "Stay in line." "Why all the precautions?" " What did you say?" " It's your ma's idea!" "Welcome home, honey." "Oh, Pa, come here and look at the baby!" "He's the spittin' image of you." "He sure is, Ma." "If he had a derby hat on, you'd swear it was me." "Coochie, coochie, coochie, coochie." "If you can't keep your mask on, stay away from that child." " My first grandson." " Oh, hush." "Now look here." "I don't care what you do to me... but you keep your hands off of Pa!" "Oh!" " Oh, I'm so sorry this happened, Miss Quimby." "I do hope you won't report it to the Nursing Association." "Well, I'll overlook it this time, Mrs Parker... but if it ever happens again, I'll leave immediately." " If I really thought you meant that, I'd..." " Now, Ma..." "Come, Kim, let's go up to the nursery... where we can behave like civilized people." "Yes, yes, run along, honey." "Run along." " Hmph!" " Don't you "hmph" me!" " Now, Ma, please!" " Now, Ma, don't get stirred up, now." "Remember you promised you'd overlook anything Mrs Parker did until..." "I know I did, son." "But if that old witch ever puts one hand on Pa again..." "I'll..." "Why don't she get on her broom and fly back to Boston?" " How!" " Howdy." "How." " What's the idea of the war dance?" " Him no war dance." "War dance corny." "Him dance of welcome." "Welcome to little white chief." "Little white chief?" "He means the baby, Pa." "Uh, well, that's mighty kind of you, Geoduck." " We bring gifts to little white chief." "See?" " Uh." "We must give gifts to little white chief in person." "Well, why shouldn't they see the baby if they want to?" "After all, they're our friends, ain't they?" "Sure." "Come on in, everyone." "I'll get him." "What's all that noise?" "I he..." "Indians!" "We'll all be scalped." "There's nothin'to be scared of, Mrs Parker." "They're friends of the family." "Get those savages out of here." "All they want to do is take a peek at the baby." "Surely that can't hurt anything." " Tom's right, Mother." "I'll go get..." " Stay where you are, Kim." "I will not allow a child to be exposed to these... germ carriers." "Get back to your wigwams where you belong." "All of you!" "Now wait a minute." "This is still my house... and I can have in it who I please." "These Indians are friends of mine." "And if you don't like 'em, you know where you can go." "Don't worry." "As soon as Kim is strong enough to travel, we'll all get out." "What do you mean by "all"?" "You don't think for one moment... that I'm leaving that child here in this environment, do you?" "Oh, no." "This child is going to have culture." " Are you in on this?" " Well, certainly not." "And I'm surprised you'd..." "Kim will do exactly as I think best!" " Don't you think you're going a little too far..." " Quiet, Jonathan!" "Yes, Elizabeth, dear." "Listen, Mrs Parker, I think I've been pretty patient about this whole thing." "But when you insult my parents, you're going a little too far!" "I was brought up in this environment." "And if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for my son." "I didn't marry your family." "I married Kim." "And I think it's up to Kim and myself to decide how our son shall be raised." " Well!" " Don't get yourself upset, Tom." "I guess it'll be best all around if..." "I go over at the old house with Pa and the kids." " That's right, Ma." "That's right." " Oh, no, you won't!" "I won't allow anyone to drive you out of your own house." "Nobody's drivin' me out." "It's just the best way, I'm sure." "Well, if anyone has to go, it should be Mrs Parker." "And frankly, I'll be mighty glad to see her go." "Well, now you just listen to me, Tom Kettle!" "You can't talk to my mother like that!" " She doesn't mind how she talks to mine, does she?" " Oh, Tom." "Now don't you and Kim start fussing'." "Besides, Pa likes it over at the old house." "Uh, don't ya, Pa?" " Sure do." " Sure." "Come on, kids, get packed." " Tomorrow we're going back to the old house." "Uh, you'd better go now, Geoduck." "You can give the presents to the little white chief some other time." "We're gettin' outta here in the mornin'." "'Tain't as pretty at the old house, but it's a lot more comfortable." "I say a home is what you make it." " Pa, you got your shoes on in bed." " Well, they're my good ones." "Well, take 'em off." "Oh, there's no use in me tryin' to sleep." "Every time I think of that woman chasin' us out of our own home, my blood boils." "I'm not gonna do it." "Pa, go tell her she's got to move out." "Now, Ma!" "Get out of bed and tell her!" "She's not gonna put this over on me." "Put on some clothes." "I'll show her a thing or two." "Put your pants on!" "I'll..." "Wait a minute." "Wait, wait." "Why should you tell her?" "Go back to bed." "She'll think I'm a weak sister afraid to talk back to her." "She'll think I've got no gumption, afraid to face her." "Wait a minute." "You're head of this house." "You should tell her." "Get out of bed." "If I was to lose my temper, I don't know what might happen." "Still..." "No, I guess..." "On the other hand..." "Ma, make a decision." "I've made a decision." "We'll both go tell her." "Well!" "We didn't have far to go." "No." "And I heard every word you said." "So... you're going to put me out?" "That's right, you snoop." "You're goin' out, one way or another." "That means through a door or window." "And if you don't go of your own free will, I'll help you with a push." "This isn't going to help you any with Kim and the baby, you know." " Oh, shut up!" " I'd like to see you shut me up." "Huh!" "You would, huh?" "Huh." "Well, that shut her up." "Quiet down, children." "Ruthie, help Jimmy there, and begin to get that stuff off, now." " Sure feels good to be back at the old house, Ma." " You bet it does, Pa." " Sometimes I wish I'd never won that new house." "Me too." "Well, I'd better get in and clean up now." "Better fix this screen door, Pa." "Yeah, I'm gonna fix that one of these days." "Hey, get out of here!" "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Get outta here!" "How peaceful." "Go on!" "Go!" "Get outta here!" "Go on!" "Get outta here!" "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Pa, it ain't healthy for all these chickens and pigs and that sow to be in the house." "Why, how can you say that, Ma?" "That sow ain't been sick a day since we've had 'im." " Oh, I mean it ain't healthy for us." " Oh." "And fix that screen door 'fore the flies swarm in!" "Yes, sir, I'll have to borrow some nails and fix it one of these days." "Uh!" "Well, I'll have to borrow another nail and fix that too one of these days." "Pa, you'll have to blast a new well." "This one's about dry." " I will one of these days." " You've been sayin' that for the last six months." "I have?" "Well, that proves it ain't slipped my mind." " Pa, you're lazier than that hound dog we used to have." " Which one?" "The one that used to lean against the wall when she barked." " Oh, that one." " Oh, get out of my way!" "Go play your radio or somethin' while I get supper." " Mornin', Ma." " Mornin', Pa." "Gosh, feels good not to have to dress up." "What's happened, Pa?" "Out of bed before I had to yell for ya." "I've turned over a new leaf, Ma." "I'm a changed man." "Right after I've had breakfast..." "I'm gonna borrow me a couple of sticks of dynamite... get hold of Geoduck and Crowbar... and start diggin' that new well for ya." " Feelin' all right, Pa?" " Sure, I am." "Now hurry up with that breakfast, woman." "There's work to be done." "Did he say "work"?" " Get the dynamite, Geoduck?" " Got 'em right here." "You know I'm sorry about the way Mrs Parker treated you fellows yesterday." "Eastern squaw pretty fresh." "She's from society." "She don't understand us kind of folks." "Claims her ancestors came over on the Mayflower." "Huh, that nothin'." "Mine here to greet them." "I never thought of that." "Well, where are we gonna dig that new well?" "Why not dig it up near old well?" "That's as good a place as any, I guess." "Get away from there." "Hey, Steve!" " Huh?" " Come over here!" "Look at this needle!" "Oh, boy!" "Looks like we've struck it." "Julius, give me that." "Ah, visitors." " Hi." "Know who owns this property, Pop?" " Howdy." "Well, I reckon I do, and the name is Pa." "Okay, Pa." "Ever think of selling this place?" "Me and my partner are forming a hunting club, and this will be an ideal spot." "Oh, wouldn't be any good at all for a thing like that." "Ain't nothin' on here but a few chipmunk." "What's on here now doesn't matter." "We'd stock it." "How much you want for it?" "Well, I don't rightly know." "I'd have to take it up with Ma." "If you'd drop around in a couple of days, I'll let you know." " Okay." "See you day after tomorrow." " So long, Pa." " See ya, Pa." " So long." "Well-behaved fella." "Well, let's get on with the well." "Get away from there." "Boys!" "Boys!" "Let's rest a while." "No sense in tiring ourselves out." "Have a rest and take a smoke." "Go away." "Smoke soon as we fix dynamite, Pa." " Gonna be big well, Pa." " Whew, make it a whopper soon as you have a smoke." "Geoduck, that tobacco you're smoking smells terrible." "You must've taken the worst brand Billy Reed had." "Here, take some of mine." "Geoduck!" "Ahhh!" "Well, it looks like Pa got his dynamite, all right." " Aren't you gonna take that thing off, Ma?" " Nope." "If I gotta work like a horse, I might as well look like one." "Pull!" "Pull!" "Pa!" "You all right, Pa?" "Yeah, but it was more work than I expected." " Mornin' Pa." " Howdy." " What in the world have you been doin'?" " Diggin' Ma a new well." "Man, that's pretty tough work for this kind of weather, ain't it?" "Tough work for any kind of weather." "It's too bad you haven't got electricity in the old house." "I got the greatest cooler offer money can buy." "Well, I tell ya, we were gonna put electricity in." "And then, uh..." "Oh." "Got a bunch of these real cheap from a fellow that was going out of business." "You wouldn't think I could sell that for $3.50, would ya?" "Looks like a real bargain, all right." "Runs on A.C. Or D.C. Rubber blades, see?" "So the kids can't get their fingers hurt in it." "And another thing..." "Sure runs good, don't it?" "Too bad we ain't got electricity in the old house." "How..." "How did you do it?" "H" " How did you do it?" "How'd I do what?" "M" " Make the fan work." "Well, it's supposed to, ain't it?" "Well, sure, but not without electricity." " It did run, didn't it?" " Sure it did." "Well, wh-what did you do?" "I can't rightly remember." "Suppose it's 'cause I caught a hold of this thing like this?" "There it goes again!" " Pa, you must have a battery on you someplace." " No, I ain't." "Aw, what do you got in your pocket?" "Nothin' but dirt." "Oh, you..." "You must..." "You must be charged with electricity of some sort." "Unless it's in the fan." "Let..." "Let's try another one." "Pa, you're a human dynamo." "I'm gonna get you to the hospital... before you blow a..." "blow a fuse or something." "Did you blow the horn?" "No." "Hi there!" "Pa, Ma told me I'd find you up here someplace." "Gosh, am I glad to see you." "Billy, Jonathan Parker." "Jonathan Parker, Billy Reed." " How do you do?" " Pleased to meet you, Mr Parker." " I was just gonna take Pa here to the hospital." " Hospital?" "Why?" "Why, he's turned into a human battery." "He's loaded with electricity." " Aren't ya, Pa?" " Reckon I am." " Why, you're joking!" " Well, if you think so, come over here." "Over here, Pa." "Now, now, n- now watch this." "Why, it's..." "it's unbelievable!" "That ain't nothin'." "Wait till you see what he does to an electric fan." "You wouldn't believe this if you didn't see it with your own eyes." "Show him, Pa." "Now take ahold of that." "Why, I..." "I" " I can't believe it!" "Here." "Now show him what happens when you take ahold of that." "Good..." "Good heavens, it lights up!" "Now do you believe me?" "Uh, h-how long has this condition existed?" "I never noticed it till just a few minutes ago." "Did you come in contact with much of the soil while you were working on the well?" " Sure did." "Got buried in it." " That's it!" " That's what?" "I'm what?" " You're radioactive." " What's that?" " Pa's emitting radiation from an atomic nucleus." "In other words, Pa's property is loaded down with uranium, and he's got some of it on him." " Is that good or bad?" " Well, what would you say it was... if you discovered that you were about to become a very wealthy man?" "This here'll make Pa wealthy?" "If there is uranium, and I'll stake my reputation on it that there is... the government will give him a $ 10,000 bonus... and purchase all the uranium ore found on Pa's property." "Holy cow!" "Did you hear that, Pa?" "Sure did." "Hold mine little tighter, Pa." "If I'd have brought the ingredients..." " we could have made some ice cream and cake." "This the way you spell 'em, Pa?" "Mmm... yep." "Pa, this is wonderful!" "I'm afraid it's gonna keep me indoors too much." "Whew." "Why don't you take off them coveralls?" "You'll feel better." "Good idea, Ma." "Give me a hand, Geoduck." " Billy, this place always did bring us good luck." " Good luck?" " Mm-hmm." " I got a big business deal to talk over with you and Pa." " You have?" " Yeah, you betcha." "Thanks, Geoduck." "Pa, pick up them coveralls and put 'em away." "Makes the place look too messy." "And turn on the radio!" "Can't." "Battery went dead about an hour ago." " Must've been a short." " Pa!" "Yes, Ma?" "Billy's got a business deal he wants to talk over with us." "You folks are gonna have a big income from uranium, and my idea'll save you money." "A penny saved is a penny earned." "I think you and Ma should be incorporated." "Pa and me should be incorporated?" "Are you insinuatin' we ain't married?" "Oh, no, no, Ma." "I mean, form a uranium corporation." "That way you'd be entitled to capital gain on your income tax." "Income tax?" "What's that?" "Oh, income tax supports the government." "You mean Pa and me's got to support all our kids and the government too?" " Everybody that works pays." " Well, now... if we gotta work to get the uranium, that puts a different light on it." "Maybe we'd better let the uranium stay... in the ground till it gets more valuable." "Pa, we'll get somebody to dig it for us... and get us a car..." "and just travel around." "We'll call it the Pa and Ma Kettle Corporation." "Billy, it was your fan that showed us about the uranium;" "it was Geoduck and Crowbar that dug the hole;" "so I think you all should be in the corporation." "Well, Pa, if you feel that way about it..." "We'll draw up an agreement." "Funny thing!" "I just..." "I just happen to have... an agreement all drawn up in case you wanted it." "Huh-huh-huh-huh!" "Well, now ain't that the funniest thing!" "Well, I'll read it to you." "It starts out "Witnesseth... "just like it should start." ""This agreement entered into this 20th day of July, year of 1950..." ""between Pa Kettle, party of the first part..." ""Ma Kettle, party of the second part..." ""and Billy Reed, Geoduck and Crowbar, parties of the third, fourth and fifth part." ""The aforesaid parties of the first part and second part..." ""agrees to part with part of their part the to parties..." ""of the third part, fourth part and fifth part." ""It is agreed that all parties are to do their part..." ""to keep the agreement made between the parties of the first part... second part, third part, fourth part and fifth part. "" "That's only the agreement in part." "You got enough parts there to make an automobile and have some left over." ""Should the first party and second party become a party to anything not agreeable..." ""to the third party, fourth party and fifth party..." ""the first party and second party shall be liable... to the third party, fourth party and fifth party. "" "Hold on, Billy." "That's enough." " I've had too many parties." " That's just a rough draft." "When you get it smoothed out, we won't understand it any better." "Now, about the percentage." "I figure 75% to you, Pa and Ma." "And 25% divided between the five of us:" "Geoduck, Crowbar, myself, Tom and the baby." "That makes five percent for each one of us." "Uh-uh-uh, Billy, you're cheating yourself." "If there's 25% divided among the five of you... that's 14% apiece." "Oh, no, listen, Pa." "I wouldn't cheat you." "You know I wouldn't." "Now look." "Look here." "I'll show you." "Let me rub this out here." "Then..." "Now." "Twenty-five... divided by five is five." "You see, the five won't go into two, will it?" "But five goes into 25 five times, you see?" "No, you're wrong, Billy." "Now, now..." "I'm a pretty good mathematician." "Now, five into 25..." " Five won't go into two, will it?" " No." "But five goes into five once." "Now, we didn't use the two before... so we'll bring it down here." "Now five into 20 goes four times." "There you are." "Five into 25... 14." "No." "Look, Pa." "Now let me prove it to you by multiplication." "Uh, five times five..." "Five times five is 25." " Billy, I'm surprised at your learnin'." " Huh?" "I'm surprised at your learnin'!" "Now I'll show ya." "Five times 14 is 25." "Five times four is 20." "Five times one is five." "Twenty-five." "That's it!" "No, no." "Look, Ma." "Uh, look." "You're wrong there because..." "I" " I'll prove it to you." "We'll put down five 14's." "Fourteen, fourteen..." "There." "Now I'll prove to you by addition... that-that five 14's is not 25." "Four, eight, 12, 16, 20..." "Twenty-one, 22, 23, 24, 25." "There you are." "Better brush up, Billy." "I don't want to see you boys cheated." " Tom." " Hello, Ma." " Hello." " Hi, Tom." " Somethin' wrong, son?" " Everything." "Oh." "Well, come in and sit down." " How's the baby?" " He's in the hospital." " What's wrong, son?" " He has a measly cold, that's all." " Then why'd you take him to the hospital?" " Kim and that... mother of hers." "They took him there while I was down at the plant." "What's the matter with that nurse-woman with her highfalutin ideas?" " Couldn't she take care of the baby?" " She's in the hospital too." " Working?" " Collapsed." "Good." "But who's gonna take care of him when he comes home?" "He's not comin' home." "What do you mean, "He's not comin' home"?" "As soon as he gets over his cold, they're taking him back to Boston." " Who's "they,"son?" " Kim and her mother." "You mean Kim..." "Tom!" "You can't let her do that." "It'll spoil your whole life." " What can I do about it?" " What can you do?" "For one thing, you can go to the hospital and take him out of there." " That's right, Tom." " You get papoose." "What's come over Kim, anyhow?" "If that's the way she wants it, that's the way she can have it." "Well, it ain't the way I want it." "And it ain't the way it's gonna be." "Now listen, Tom, we've got to get hold of that baby." "How can we?" "The doctors won't release him until he's over his cold." " That's the rule." " Oh, rules or no rules!" "You're his father, ain't you?" "This is America, Tom." "And there's somethin' in one of those amendments that says... no one can take somethin' that is rightfully yours." "You get ahold of that baby, and I'll bet Kim'll change her mind about goin' to Boston." " Ain't that right, Pa?" " Right as rain, Ma." "Uh, well, I guess we'll all be going." "See you tomorrow, Pa." " Goodnight." " Come on, boys." "And, uh, don't worry too much about the kid, Ma." " I'm sure everything will be all right." " All right." "Sure." " Goodnight, Geoduck." " Goodnight." "Phew!" " Well, Pa..." " Will it be all right, Ma... if I spend a couple of nights here with you?" "Is it that bad with you and Kim, Tom?" "Yeah." "Well, we'll make room for..." "Did you have your supper?" " No, but I-I don't feel like..." " Aw, now, come on." "Sit down and talk to your pa while I get you somethin' to eat." "You know, your ma's got a point on those amendments." "It says..." "Uh..." "She's got a point." "You know, Ma, if I borrowed Jim Tullett's ladder... we could climb into the hospital and get the baby." "You broke Jim's ladder a year ago, and he ain't never fixed it." " He ain't?" " Uh-uh." "Lazy cuss, ain't he?" "Kim's mother would love to catch you trying to kidnap the baby." "Pa and me'll go down to the hospital in the morning... and take a look at the baby, just the same." "Wonder who that is this hour of the night." "When there's anything you need, you can always rely on Billy Reed." " Oh, you mean that..." " Your grandson." "Oh, Billy!" "How can I ever thank..." "Here, let me take him." " Billy, how did you do it?" " It wasn't easy." "Didn't the doctors object to your taking him?" "Oh, nobody knew anything about it." "I snuck in the back way and grabbed him." "What's the matter with Grandma's little man?" "I know what's the matter with Grandma's little man." " Billy, you shouldn't have done this." " Why not?" "You think I'm gonna stand around and see your ma eat her heart out?" "I appreciate your good intentions, but you could be arrested." " Arrested?" " Sure." "It's kidnapping." "How can it be kidnapping?" "I didn't steal the kid from his folks;" "I returned it to 'em." "Hey!" " This ain't our baby." " It ain't?" " It's a girl. - A girl?" " A girl?" " For land's sake." " Are you sure, Ma?" "I ain't blind, am I?" "You'll have to take it back before it's missed." "You can't do it now because it..." "I..." "Maybe it's the police." "Hide it, Ma." "Hide it!" "No, no, no!" "Not there, not there." "No!" "No, Ma, don't." "Two of'em?" "We hittum jackpot." " What'd ya get two of'em for?" " Can't tell 'em apart." "You pick one you want." "We take other one back." "Uh, Tom, you've seen your baby more'n I have." "Which one's yours?" "Well, it's, it's kinda hard to tell 'em apart, but I-I..." "I think, uh..." "I" " I think this one's mine." "Um-um." "I know." "Give 'em here." "Here we go again." "I, uh... sure appreciate you fellas doing this for us." "We your friends, Pa." "Besides, no like Eastern squaw." " This fix her good." " Sure will." "Say!" "How would you fellas like to get a year's supply of smokin' tobacco for nothin'." " Who we gotta scalp?" " Nobody." "You're taking one of these kids back, ain't ya?" "All right." "All you gotta do is take one back for me too." " Another one?" " Well, ya see..." "I grabbed a baby from the hospital too, but it was the wrong one." "It's..." "It's a girl." "Haw-haw-haw." "He grabem squaw instead of brave." "Haw-haw-haw." "When you get through laughing', I got news for you." "Both of these are girls too." "Both squaw?" "I told you checkum good." "Now we gotta take both back." "Where other one?" "She's up there in the clothes hamper." "We still getum tobacco?" " Positively." " Honest Injun?" "Honest In..." "It's the sheriff!" "Good evening, Ma." "Howdy, Pa." "Hi, boys." " Hello, Sheriff." " Hello, Sheriff." "What brings you out this time of night?" "Seems as though three kids have been stolen from the hospital." " You don't say." " Seen any strangers around here?" "No, I ain't." "You got any idea who stole 'em?" " Yeah." " Oh." "But they won't get away." "I got roadblocks set up all over the county." "That's good." "Hope you catch 'em." "We will." "I got an idea those kids aren't so very far away." "Goodnight." "Sorry to have bothered you." "Goodnight, Sheriff." "That sounds like a kid somewhere." " Must be one of mine." "I'll go take a look." " Mind if I go along?" "Oh, no, no." " Sheriff." " Yeah?" "That's coming from outside." "Let's have a look." "Come here, Sheriff." " How long you think they been in here?" " Who knows?" "I hope you won't mention this to anyone, folks." "With the election coming up, the voters in the county might think that I'm, uh..." "It would make me seem sort of foolish and, and..." "You understand, don't ya?" " Of course." " Of course we understand." "We all make mistakes sometimes." " Well, thanks." "Goodnight." " Goodnight." "Haw-haw." " Ha-ha." " Shut up." "Whoa!" "Glad we went to the hospital to see the baby, Pa." "Me too, Ma." "Doesn't seem to be much wrong with him." "Aw, ain't nothin' wrong that a little care and love wouldn't fix." "If they just let us bring him home, I'm sure..." "Well!" "Somethin' new's been added." " What's goin' on here?" " Can't you read?" "Yes, I can read." "And I don't like it." "You don't live here any more." "Don't..." "We been livin' here for 25 years." "And for 25 years, you didn't pay your taxes." "We did." "And now the property is ours." "Land sakes." "If it ain't one thing it's another." "Just a second." "How much back taxes were owing on this property?" "$275." "You got this entire piece of property for $275?" "What do you intend to do with it?" "What's it to you?" "They told me they were gonna start a hunting club." "Hunting club?" " Then you met them before?" " Right over there." "Couple of days ago." "Oh!" "Uh, gentlemen." "Gentlemen." "I know that you want to be fair about this whole matter... and you wouldn't want to see these folks lose their property, their life savings... all on account of a little misunderstanding." "So suppose you sell it back to me at a figure that will compensate you for your trouble." "What would you call "compensating us for our troubles"?" "Five-hundred dollars." "Uh... $ 750." "Oh, Jonathan." "Well, Stu, it seems that I put you to a lot of trouble for nothing." "Pa doesn't own the place any more." "These gentlemen bought it for the back taxes." "So... go ahead and break the news of your findings to us gently." "There's nothing on it." "There's nothing on the property at all?" " Not one ounce of anything." " Why don't you stop?" "You planted this guy so we'd believe his story and sell to you cheap." "We know differently, don't we?" "This place is loaded with uranium, and this guy's a phoney." "Uh, gentlemen, just a moment, just a moment." "When you call Stuart Ludlow a phoney, you're leaving yourselves wide open." " This... is Stuart Ludlow?" " Yes." " Who used to be with the Atomic Energy Commission?" " That's right." "But..." "But we looked over this property a couple of days ago." " Our Geiger counter reacted as if it was..." " I'll stake my reputation on it." "There isn't an ounce of uranium ore within 20 miles of here." "Do you still want it for 750?" "Five-hundred." "Two-fifty?" "No, gentlemen." "If we gave you one red cent for it... we'd be admitting that you own the property legally, which you don't." " I don't get it." " Then I'll explain." "To obtain legal ownership of property that's up for sale due to delinquent taxes... the owner must be notified by registered mail three days in advance." "Eh, did you receive a final notice in the mail?" "Been gettin' notices for 15 years, but no final one." "Yes." "Then the ownership is not legal." "And not only that... you're guilty of malfeasance, misappropriation of public funds, embezzlement and perjury." "And on top of that, you broke the law too." "Well, if it's not legal, we don't want any part of it." "Here." "Here's the deed." "You can have it for free." " Thanks." " Oh, no, no." "You don't get off that easy." "Don't you know there's such a thing as defamation of character?" "My client here could sue you for everything you've got." "He's getting his back taxes paid up." "What more does he want?" "He's entitled to an additional cash settlement of some kind." " How much?" " Well, uh..." "Would four dollars be askin' too much?" "Four dollars?" "Well, here." "Here's ten." "And here's your deed." "Let's get outta here before they change their minds." "Oh, you shouldn't have been so anxious, Pa." "I could've got you a lot more." "Oh, I did all right, if you ask me." " But say, I didn't know you were a lawyer." " I'm not." "But it worked, didn't it?" "And thanks, Stu, for that swell act you put on." "If it hadn't been for you, we never would've gotten the property back." " What act?" " About not having any uranium on the property." "There isn't." " You're joking!" " I wish I were." "But as I said before, there isn't an ounce of uranium within miles of here." "Well, here we go again." "Back where we started from." "Wait a minute, Ma." "How can you say that?" "We got our property back, the back taxes paid and ten dollars to boot!" "I think this calls for a little celebration." "I got some hard cider hidden in the house." "And, uh..." "let's go in and celebrate." "Sample some." " Good idea." " I think I'd better get back to town and clean up." "I'll see you before I leave tonight." " I'm sorry I brought you out here for nothing, Stu." " That's all right." "I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more favourable report." "Oh, uh, here." "You fool around with it." "You might have better luck with it than I did." "See you later." "Yes." "So long, Stu." "I can't understand it, Pa." "You were certainly radioactive a couple of days ago." "This oughta teach you a lesson." "If you'd stick to what you know... like fixing' the well, repairing' the chicken coop, you'd be a lot better off." "Never did take any stock in them atoms anyhow." "Listen!" "Listen to this!" "Look!" "Look, look, look at the needle!" " What's that mean?" " There's uranium around here somewhere." "Never took much stock in 'em, eh, Ma?" "Inside the house!" "It's in here." "Must be in the bedroom." "Ah." "Why, it must be in those coveralls!" "Oh, yes." "Yes, it's in these, all right." " Well... where'd you get those coveralls, Pa?" " His nephew give 'em to him." " Where'd he get 'em?" " The Navy give 'em to him." "When he was in the Navy was he connected to that atomic bomb test in the Pacific?" " Yes, indeed." "He was right there." "Saw everything." " Said it was quite a blowout." "Well, that solves everything." "Those coveralls are radioactive." " You mean to say the only uranium I got is in those things?" " I'm afraid so." " Ma!" "Ma, listen to this." " Yes?" "Kim and her mother are leavin' for Boston on the 12:15." "They've already left the hospital." " What about the baby?" " They're takin' him with them!" "We gotta stop 'em!" "Pa, go get your team out." "We'd never make it by team." "Before we got to the depot, they'd be in Boston." "We'd better hurry." "It's 11:30 now." " I got it." "I'll borrow Jim Tullett's car." " Let's get goin'." "That woman's not gonna put this over on me." "I'll fix her." "Put that down, Ma." "You can't use that." "You might hit the baby." " Besides, your licence has expired." " Oh." "Pa, I didn't know you could drive." "Neither did I till a while ago." " Come on, dear." " Mother, are you sure I'm doing the right thing?" "Kim, you've asked me that at least a dozen times." "Of course you're doing the right thing." "Now, come on, dear." "Look out, Pa!" " Pa, you've missed it." " I'll catch it at Sweetwater Junction." " Do you think you can?" " Nothin' to it." "Well, hurry up." "This ain't the way to Sweetwater!" " What's the matter with you?" " Know a short cut." "Look out!" "Oh, no." "Watch out." "Watch out, Pa!" "Look out for that clothesline, Pa!" "Come on, Pa!" "Don't be crazy!" "Hey!" "Get that thing outta there!" "You certainly picked a swell place to stall your car, Pop." "She didn't stall." "Stopped her on purpose." "Go ahead, Ma." "Get the kid." " Okay, Pa." " Now you'll have to get this thing outta here." "I said you'll have to get this thing outta here!" "Oh, keep your hand off other people's property." "Thunder." " What's the trouble here?" " Look out." "Take your hands off my car." "Let's give him a shove." "Release the brakes, old-timer." "Not till Ma gets back with what she's gone to get." "Thunder." " Listen, you can't hold up this train." " I can't?" "I know, but I'm doin' it." " We've got a schedule to make." " You have?" " What time is it?" " Half past..." "The two ladies that got on at Cape Flattery are right in here." " Now, look, Kim, I'm not..." " The very idea!" " It was for you they stopped the train." "You knew very well..." " Aw, dry up!" "Jonathan!" "You've never spoken to me like this before." "How dare you speak to me..." " Grab the baby, Tom." " You put that child down." "Sit down." "Mind your own business." " Tom Kettle, that's my baby and I demand you give it right back." " You too." "Aw, go to Boston with your old lady." "Jonathan!" "Are you going to stand by and allow this to happen to your grandson?" "Not only am I going to allow it, I'm in favour of it." "Go back to Boston." "Take this spoilt brat of a daughter of yours with you." " I'm staying here!" " You've never spoken to me like this before." "And for that I ought to have my head examined." "I like this kind of people." "And what's more, I'm not coming home till I get good and ready." "Come on, Ma." "Tom!" "Tom, please don't go." "I don't want to go to Boston with Mother." "I want to stay with you and the baby." "Please forgive me, Tom." "If I do, will you behave yourself in the future?" "All right." "I forgive you." "For goodness sake, kiss her and get it over with!" "Hurry up, will ya?" "Pa can't keep this train waiting' forever." "Goodbye." " Look, Pop..." " Now, let's get this straight." "The name is Pa." "Okay, but I'm givin' you 15 more seconds to get this thing off the tracks." "If it's not off by then, we're gonna shove you off." "Get in your cab, Jerry." "Two, three... four, five... six, seven... eight, nine..." "Don't need to count any further." "Here they come." "Where's Ma?" "She was right behind us." "She'll be here in a minute." "Oh, I've been so horrible, trying to run everything." "How can you ever forgive me?" "Oh, stop puddlin' up, honey." "You'll have me doin' it." "Oh, Mrs Kettle, you're so understanding." " Ma's the name." " And you can call me Lizzie." "Okay, Liz." "Let's go!" "Ma!" "Ma!" " What's the matter?" " Pa, your battery's dead." "That Jim Tullett." "He never fixes anything." "Come on, Jonathan." "We'll give 'im a push." "Stop that." "Stop it." "There's a law against this." "There's a law against kidnapping' too." " Kidnapping?" " Yes, kidnapping'." " I ain't got a ticket, and you're taking me against my will." " Aw, now, lady..." "I've heard there's a law about taking a woman across a state line too." "So you better let us off right here and now." "Yes, ma'am." "Thank you." "Come on, Liz." "Do you think we can get a taxi, Ma?" "Well, now, Liz, there's about the only taxi we'll find out this way." "Come on." "You know how to work one of these things, Ma?" "Why, sure." "Just like washing' clothes." "Hop aboard." "You know, Ma, this will be the first time you and I have ever pulled together." "Well, let's keep on pulling' together." "Start pumping'." "This oughta trim down our figures." "You know, Ma, I bet you once had an hourglass figure." "Yeah, but the sands sure shifted." "Ma, look!" "Look!" "Why don't ya watch where you're goin'?" "Well, here we go again, Liz." "Start pumping'." "Hey!" "Can you give us a push?" "We're gettin' close to home, Liz." "Tunnel 28's right ahead of us." " I hope that wire you sent will stop the train." " They'll stop, all right." "By this time, Ma and Elizabeth probably have the whole train in an uproar." "It's too bad the two of'em can't get along." " Ma!" " Elizabeth!" "It's about time you're gettin' here." "Sit down, folks." "Liz is fixin' us some coddled eggs." "Come and get it!"