"This programme/film contains some strong language." "At the end of our first month here I just wanted to thank you all for making my wife, Alex, and me feel so welcome here in this vibrant, dynamic Church and..." "Um, we'd like to invite you all for a Vicarage-warming later." "We'd be delighted if you'd join us for a small of glass of something cold, as a token of our thanks." "Oh, my God." "Taking the Lord's name." "It's a dialogue actually, darling." "Where do we keep the aspirin in this house?" "End." "Who's bird table is that?" "Ours now, a surprise house warming gift from Colin." "Isn't it from next door?" "I didn't get too drunk did I?" "You were fine." "Everyone was very impressed you can still do the splits." "Nigel really is quite unbelievably strange, isn't he?" "Yes, imagine sharing an office with him." "And Adoha." "She won't stop flirting with me." "She keeps pulling me into those big bosooma's like the Death Star." "It's terrifying." "DOOR BUZZER" "If that's Colin this early, tell him we're not open yet." "It won't be Colin." "Hello, Colin." "Vicar, you'd better come quick, there's been a disaster at the Church." "OK." "Hello, Colin." "Yes, it's Colin." "Hello, Mrs Vicarage." "Off for another day saving lives?" "I'm a solicitor, Colin." "Bye, darling." "Bye, darling." "Bye, darling." "Oh." "Come on, Vicar!" "Yes, OK, coming." "Cracking piss up last night." "Previous Vicar never let me in his house." "Thanks for the bird table." "Hey?" "Oh, yeah, nice one." "So what's the problem?" "You'll see at the Church." "It's a scandal, Vicar." "OK, is it a scandal, or is it just a pigeon like last time?" "Ooh-ooh!" "Oy, Mr Vicar!" "Oy, Mr Vicar, where's your dress?" "Are you going to dress like a girl today?" "Rise above it, Colin." "Turn the other cheek." "Good morning, Adoha." "Good morning, sweetheart." "Hello." "On this refreshing morning, come here, darling." "Oh, what a night it was, Adam, but look at the state of you." "Dear Lord, what have you done to yourself?" "You naughty Vicar." "We must dance again sometime soon." "Yes, we must." "Can't stop now though, we..." "Adoha, the flowers beds are going to look lovely." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "It's a disgrace." "It's an outrage." "It's going to cost a fortune." "Whoever did this, I will find them." "This window is rightly revered as one of the few post-War windows inspired by Burne-Jones." "It's an invaluable work that mixes flashes of almost Fauvist brutalism with figurative depictions of the mentally ill." "Yes, I know, Nigel." "No more will we see Sir Tristan guarding the shepherds with his massive lance." "The Christ Child on his hobby horse." "What they did these criminals, is they chucked a bottle through." "Look here." "Fragments of bottle glass, here amongst the precious glass." "Let me find the culprits, Vicar." "I think best left to the police, Colin." "Better phone the Archdeacon." "I know who's done it, it'll be them Asians." "Right that's just racist, Colin, isn't it?" "We've talked about this." "Oh, let me get to the bottom of it, Vicar, please?" "OK, any help most welcome." "First, let's say morning prayer." "Let's say it nice and quietly in case anyone here's got a hangover." "CARS BEEP" "Ah!" "Watch it, you wanker!" "Oops, sorry, mate." "Watch it, your Worship." "You wanker!" "Great, so you and Vincent on the 27th." "Fixed." "Thanks, Vicar." "We've chosen the same date Mum and Dad got married, so I know Dad will be looking down." "There you go." "It's on the house." "Dad gave me this beautiful book and we're going to do a reading from it at the wedding, and after that Vince is going to sing Angels." "By Robbie Williams." "Do you know it?" "It's our song." "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "Hello, Archdeacon." "Yes, I'm just organising a wedding." "Er, well, I could meet you at the Church." "Oh, you're here." "Oh, yeah, no I'll..." "Sorry." "Hello, Archdeacon." "Ah, they all said you'd probably be in the pub." "Get in." "I've got my bike." "Can't linger, I've got to get to Chris Hitchen's book launch and I need to talk to you about this window now." "Get in." "The answer's no, the insurers won't cover it all and there's nothing in the Diocese budget for that kind of thing, you know that." "Right, I see, so there's no chance of any money at all from anywhere?" "No, you're going to have to do some fund raising." "I'm sure you'll pull it off." "We have such high hopes of you here at St Saviour's, since your predecessor scuttled off to Rome." "Yes, I'm holding back on the incense and the word Mary." "ADAM LAUGHS" "How's your Sunday congregation?" "What are the numbers?" "I don't know, Archdeacon." "the Church isn't just about keeping score though, is it?" "Of course not." "How many are you getting in?" "I haven't counted." "Have a guess." "Er, don't want to guess." "Have a guess, just for me." "I don't want to." "Yes, you do." "No I don't." "60?" "You mean 20." "No it's a lot more than 20. 22." "Let's not guess, I'll get to you sometime with an accurate figure." "OK, by next Monday." "Oh, by the way how's that cassock chaser in your congregation, what's her name?" "Adoha." "Still managing to resist?" "You know... she's incredibly famous for having orgasms during sermons." "ARCHDEACON LAUGHS" "The Lord be with you." "ALL:" "And also with you." "Please be seated." "Er, I hope you're not too cold." "I'm sorry to say that we had our beloved window broken this week." "I'm assuming that it was the work of vandals rather than an enraged art critic." "Er, we'll hopefully be getting it repaired as soon as possible." "DOOR OPENS" "So let's..." "Oh, good morning." "Please, come in." "Always good to see new faces." "So, let's begin our service." "Hello, hello, hello." "So many of you this morning, how lovely." "So, let, let's begin our service by saying our Prayer of Preparation." "DOOR OPENS" "Hello." "Please, come in." "So let's begin." "Almighty God, to whom all hearts are open, all desires known." "Hurry up!" "Come on, Luke." "Hurry up." "Come on, hurry up." "Can I just say um... how lovely it is to see so many new faces here today." "It's a really splendid turn out..." "DOOR OPENS" "And as I say it, yet more of you arrive." "With that in mind, let's all stand now to sing what I imagine will be a rather rousing rendition of All Creatures Of Our God and King." "Hymn Number 13." "ORGAN PLAYS" "Why are we doing this, it's not Christmas?" "# All creatures of our God and King" "# Lift up your voice And with us sing" "# Hallelujah, Hallelujah... #" "Here at St Saviour's it is the essence of our faith that everyone is acceptable to God and therefore to each other." "Let's pray now for a moment." "When I walk..." "I walk with the little ones of the world..." "MOBILE PHONE RINGS" "I walk with those who have lost all hope - the outcasts, the poor, the sick, the mourning..." "This is boring, I want to go home..." "Ssshhh, ssshhh, ssshhh." "..I walk with the brokenness of the world..." "ADOHA WHIMPERS" "..and I walk with you." "ADOHA MOANS" "Adam." "Hello, Adoha." "I thought your sermon today was very stirring." "Thank you." "You have such a powerful way with words, and such wonderful eyes." "Oh, do I?" "Your voice, it makes me tingle." "Ooh, that's lovely." "I must just grab a word with the headmistress." "Hello, Ellie, you look lovely." "Those are lovely earrings." "Hello, Adam." "Um, have you sobered up enough to have a think about my sister having that half-term wedding date?" "Ah, um, I'm afraid that weekend's fully booked." "Oh." "This is encouraging, isn't it, the size of the congregation today?" "Yeah, it's amazing what the whiff of a good Ofsted Report can do." "Oh, that's what it is, of course it is." "Ellie's turned the place around." "The rumours are that the school is now good with elements of outstanding." "Let's not jump to conclusions until it's published." "Well done, headmistress." "Well, it's good news for you too, Vicar." "I mean, these school whores will be queuing up to prove they're Christians, won't they, just to get a place at Ellie's?" "The joy of selection." "I've a meeting for prospective parents Friday." "I like to do a raffle." "They all try to out bid each other, it's like the first day of the Christmas sales." "Who the hell are all these people today?" "One second, Colin." "I'm not sure that's the best way to fill a school place, is it, to the highest bidder?" "Why, what are your criteria?" "Well, it's a Church of England school so they should be Christians, shouldn't they?" "Hello there, Vicar." "Patrick Yam." "Hello, lovely to meet you." "Have you not met our wonderful local MP yet?" "This is Patrick, he closed my local swimming pool." "What a service." "I loved it." "Yeah, a bit confused about when to sit down or stand or shout stuff out, but, er, yeah we should, we should do this again sometime." "I thought Adam's sermon today ended rather abruptly." "Mine next month will..." "Thank you very much." "Will be an examination of how the Fourth Commandment to..." "Thank you." "To observe the Sabbath has in our age of Pharaonic consumption become in many ways the most radical." "That sounds boring, Nigel." "Win the Restoration Fund!" "Right." "Nigel, are you going to help me decide which parents deserve a school place?" "I need to write my sermon." "What?" "It's not for three weeks." "Yes, but I like to think about mine." "I'm always surprised by your ability to knock one out at the last minute." "No, come on, this is more important." "Nigel, wouldn't you like to help me weed out some hypocrites?" "OK." "Now, the School Entry guidelines say that parents must be regular and committed worshippers." "Well, cross off anyone booking a late baptism for a start." "Oh, that's a good idea." "We did the Ingram's boy last year, he was seven, it was a nightmare, more like an exorcism." "Now how are we going to choose from the rest?" "I was thinking we could do a Bible test for them all?" "Oh, that is a good idea." "What level of questions?" "Well, let's practise." "You be a parent." "Can I ask the questions?" "No, I'm doing the questions." "Hello, Mr Parent." "Hello, Father." "Please call me Adam." "So, you want little Peter to get into Ellie's school, don't you?" "Desperately." "My entire self worth depends upon it." "ADAM LAUGHS" "Right, so tell me, which was the first of the Gospels to be written?" "Mark, AD65 to 80." "Easy." "Where was the Epistle of Philemon written and by who, whom?" "By Saint Paul in prison." "Too easy." "It's fun though." "Who was the Gospel of Luke written to?" "My Dear Theophilus." "Where today would you find..." "Modern day Iraq." "OK." "Who sold Joseph into captivity?" "Good one." "Er, the Midianites." "AH-AH!" "No, it wasn't." "It was the Ishmaelites." "Wasn't it?" "I think you'll find it was the Midianites." "Was it?" "It was, yep." "Anyway, we'll do a test and if the parents don't know the answer, the kid doesn't get in." "Eleanor's turned this place around in two years," "I mean, you know what with all this Ofsted business." "Yes, it's going to be quite..." "Excuse me." "..difficult to decide who qualifies for a place next year." "Out of interest how will you decide?" "Well, by sticking to the rules, Patrick." "Reverend, did you get that case of wine we brought round?" "Was that from you?" "Thank you very much." "And, er, well done for winning the raffle." "Yes, well, we bought all the green tickets you see." "Yes, the whole book." "Yes." "Just keen to help the school." "Yes." "I'd love to do a Church reading some time just er..." "OK, Patrick, thank you." "Er, it would mean you'd have to turn up on time though." "I hope our donation has helped your window fund?" "Yes, thank you, it has." "How much is that going to cost to repair?" "Er, about Â£30,000, I'm afraid." "Jesus, what a nightmare!" "I just said Jesus." "I'm so sorry, Vicar." "It's OK, Patrick, we all slip up." "Ah good, but that's a fucking nightmare for you." "I mean, for all of us, the, the window." "I hope Adam's not tapping my parents for cash for his window." "He's supposed to be interrogating them to see if they're God fearing Christians." "Ah, Alex, I don't think you've met Mr Darr." "Must go and mingle." "Alexandra, your shoulders are very tight and tense." "No, they're not." "I fear your spine may not be straight." "Yeah, it is." "You must come round to my practice, let me do you some time." "Yes, I mustn't." "Sorry, I was being hosed down in smarm." "What happened to you?" "I had to leave." "I was set upon by lunatic parents who all think their child's future lies in your hands." "I'm sorry, I thought you were having a good time." "Yeah, I love playing the Vicar's wife, especially when it involves being felt up by a sweaty palmed chiropractor." "Yes, you do seem rather tense, my dear." "Perhaps you need some... pelvic stabilisation." "Shall I rub your lumbar four?" "No, get off." "And if you think I'm going to let you shag me in your dog collar you're very wrong." "I'm not trying to shag you, I'm trying to mobilise your trunk muscles." "I hate it when you wear that thing in the bedroom, it's like you've got no cock." "All right." "I've taken it off." "There it is, it's off." "No leave it on, and go and bash the Bishop." "Let's hear your thrilling fund raising ideas, how are you going to get this window fixed?" "OK." "I've moved to the edge of my seat." "There's the classic bring and buy sale of course." "People could bring in Christmas presents they didn't want." "How very 1950's of you." "That might have worked wherever it is you're from in the country." "We're from Suffolk." "Sussex, but it certainly won't work here in London." "No, OK." "Also I was thinking we could auction off some people's time and skills." "Whose time and skills?" "Well, my time and skills, my wife's." "I think we both know how much that would raise." "Or you could pay to have Nigel for the afternoon." "I'd pay NOT to have Nigel for the afternoon." "Or maybe I'll just sit up on the Church roof until someone pays for me to come down." "HE LAUGHS" "Like a hunger striker, yes, that certainly appeals to me." "I think you might be up there for some considerable time." "Could you step here, driver." "The fact is, Adam, none of these artsy craftsy ideas are any good, are they?" "You have an inner city Church with inner city problems." "Might I suggest you quickly wise up and find an inner city solution?" "Right, I'll drop you off here." "Come along, unbuckle." "Busy people, busy lives, chop, chop." "Drive on." "CARS TOOT HORN" "Oy, there's the Vicar!" "Give us a wave." "Oy, I've got a confession to make." "What do think of this?" "THEY LAUGH Wahey!" "What do you think of that headmistress say, eh?" "Yeah!" "Er, she's pretty formidable." "Oh, yeah!" "Boy, she can stick me in detention any time." "I bet you get women after you all the time, don't you?" "Cos of this." "Yeah, a bit of authority, girls love it." "Now then, I have taken the liberty of speaking to my mate Sir Jeremy from the Lunardi Foundation about your window." "Really?" "And he thinks he can help." "Passionate about Burne-Jones stuff." "Loves all those boys who look like girls." "Well, Patrick, that is incredibly kind of you." "Now I'm sure he will meet most of the restoration costs, and I'm very happy to make a donation myself as well." "I just wanted to have a quick word with you about our Luke." "You've met him?" "Er, not, not really." "Oh, he's a great kid, lovely nature." "At heart." "I mean, he's not exactly an academic high flyer, um, I think it's fair to say." "Just like his Mum." "But I have always wanted him to go somewhere like your little place, you know, a good old Church school." "I mean that's, that's more my style, and budget." "I see." "So I thought if you could speak to your friend Ellie and make sure" "Luke gets into St Saviour's, we'd be very grateful." "Yes." "And I'd make sure Sir Jeremy helped out with your window." "Yes, I see." "It would help me to write a good Church referral for you Patrick if you, if you did actually come to Church." "OK, yeah." "No, I see what you're saying." "Yeah." "We'll be, we'll be back in on, on Sunday." "On your knees, avoid the fees." "I like your top, Ellie, is it Boden?" "No." "What is it you want to talk about?" "It looks great." "Um, Patrick Yam's son Luke," "I was thinking of giving him a good Church reference for a place here." "Why?" "I've never seen them at Church until this week." "Well, the thing is I do think the boy will benefit enormously from an education here." "Has Patrick offered you some money?" "Me?" "No." "For your broken window?" "What's the point of these Church places, Ellie, if I don't have a say?" "He has offered you some money." "Tell you what, if you find a way to get my sister that half-term wedding date, I'll find a way to take Patrick's boy." "Oh, right." "That way you get your window money, my sister gets married, and I get another middle-class kid to give my stats a nudge." "Everyone's a winner." "No, this is good." "This way everyone wins." "Patrick gets his delinquent child into a good school, Ellie gets her wedding date and we get our window restored." "What about Gemma and Vincent?" "They've got to get married at 2pm that Saturday." "They get canned, Nigel." "No, they don't get canned, Alex, they just get postponed a little bit, that's all." "Oh, so apart from them, everyone wins." "They'll be OK, we can move them." "Nigel can move them." "This is not easy, OK, Alex, this job, all that happens all day, every day, all the time is that people want things from you, which is fine, it's a vocation," "but I do have to depend on a whole lot of volunteers, some of whom can't even wipe their own arses." "Nigel wipes his own arse." "I most certainly do." "Not always, Nigel, sometimes I have to do it, and I have to do Colin's arse and Adoha's." "I've never been aware of your wiping." "Sometimes all I do, all day..." "Don't say Colin's arse again." "..is wipe people's arses for them." "This way I get something back for once for the Church." "I get our window fixed," "I get the Archdeacon off my back..." "Right." "I'm going to go and tell Gemma and Vincent they've got to move their wedding date." "It's a small sin for a greater good." "'I'm sorry, Lord, that was wrong." "'I shouldn't have talked about people's arses like that." "'It was a grotesque succession of images." "'I'm just finding everything a bit difficult." "'"On your knees, avoid the fees." How did I get into this situation?" "'I'm supposed to walk with the broken, aren't I?" "'Not horse trade with an admittedly rather pretty headmistress, 'that toxic MP and Gemma the barmaid." "'And why do you want me to be a fundraiser the whole time?" "'Why have you given me this huge crumbling building 'and now this window to deal with?" "'It's such a burden." "'Let's face it, it's not a terribly good window really, is it?" "'Speak to me, Lord, your servant listens.'" "Patrick, I want you to know that I've thought long and hard about your proposal and Luke's future and I'm going to say that in this particular instance we've decided that Luke is a wonderful boy with a great deal to recommend him, but we won't take him." "What?" "I'm not prepared to offer or trade a school place for cash, I'm afraid." "Right, fine, whatever." "Is that why I'm here?" "I-I-I couldn't care less." "Yeah, I bet all those rumours are actually lies." "I bet that school's not good with elements of outstanding, I bet that school is poor with elements of shit, and I bet that posh totty headmistress you carry a rod in your cassock for started these rumours herself." "It's what I'd have done." "Did she do that?" "Did she?" "No, I..." "Well, actually..." "Maybe I could start some rumours of my own about how the place is an educational car crash and let's see whose rumours win, shall we?" "What makes me angry is why did I bother turning up to Church all those times?" "Well, you did actually only come the once since..." "Even so." "I don't suppose there's any chance that Sir Jeremy will still send through a cheque for the window, will he?" "Let me have a think." "No." "You bloody idiot!" "There you go, Vicar." "Hello, Gemma." "Vince is off to pick up the rings." "Oh, is he." "Good." "I've gone for an ivory trouser suit." "Mm." "And we've started a pub collection." "For your Church window." "Oh, that's very kind of you." "There's 90 quid in there." "Â£100 now." "After our wedding it'd be great to have a chat with you about getting our little Tia into your school." "She's ever so clever." "Oh, look it's the Vicar of Dibley." "Oy Dibley, are you off to bum a choir boy?" "Oy, Mr Vicar, are you going to go and do a choir boy?" "Why don't you just fuck off!" "Hello, Colin." "All right, Vicarage." "I'll tell you who's made me very angry this afternoon." "Who's that, Colin?" "That Professor and his book about God being all deluded." "Oh, Richard Dawkins." "He's a twat, isn't he?" "If I met him I'd kick him in the bollocks." "I mean, he thinks that people who believe in God are irrational nutters, but I believe in God." "I don't know why you gave that book out to people." "Well, I think it's such a deeply flawed book, Colin, that you shouldn't let it worry you." "Professor Dawkins only believes in things if they can be scientifically proven, but there's still so much about God's world that we don't understand." "Look." "Why is a snail shell a perfect mathematical golden spiral?" "Beautiful, isn't it?" "And it doesn't need to be." "Yeah." "And he's baffled by the idea of forgiveness." "Yeah?" "Mm." "Well, good because I'm not going to forgive him for his shit book." "Do you want some?" "Thank you." "What are you going to do about the window now, Vicarage?" "I shall continue to ask people for money." "And I will trust that the good Lord will provide." "Did you ever find out who broke it, Colin?" "Nah, a total mystery." "I've decided it's too difficult trying to solve crime." "Nobody owns up." "Well, thanks for looking into it." "Right." "I ought to get back." "What do you do with these?" "Oh, yeah, I play this game where I see how far I can chuck 'em." "Watch this." "Whey!" "BOTTLE SMASHES" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"