"Testing, testing." "Significance, harms, inherency, topicality, solvency." "Quiet, please." "Cell phones off, please." "Judges ready?" "Timer ready?" "The Affirmative will please begin." "It will come as no surprise to the judges, our esteemed opponents from Townsend Prep, nor really to anyone at all in the audience that we, the Affirmative from Plainsboro High, do hereby support this year's National Policy Debate Resolution," "which I am supposed to recite now, as if after an entire school year it could still somehow be unknown to any of us." "That is ridiculous." "Therefore, instead of senselessly repeating it," "I will offer up a moment of silence during which I'd like every one of you to say the resolution aloud." "It will be a final communal act for all of us, the High School Policy Debaters of New Jersey." "Ready, set, go." "Resolved..." "For those of you who aren't done, I apologize, but there's a reason why I'm up here and you're down there, and if you please, right now, we're going to go at my pace." "Hang on if you can." "Our plan today is succinct." "Only by becoming a fully socialist regime, will the United States government ever emerge as the true moral leader of the free world, and thus create a lasting peace." "Therefore we support an amendment to the Constitution of the United States to outlaw all political parties that do not embrace socialism as their core philosophy." "On the stage of the New Jersey State" "High School Policy Debate Championships that spring night stood Ben Wekselbaum of Plainsboro High." "To anyone who ever heard Ben debate there was one thing that was undeniable:" "He had a voice." "Even then, on that May night, a real voice." "You're all wondering, "When on earth is he going to get to farming subsidies?"" "At long last the link to farming, which is no doubt obvious by now, agricultural societies collapse under capitalism and thrive under socialism." "And agriculture has always been a necessary industry." " Without agriculture..." " As Ben Wekselbaum set out the complexities of their plan, his partner was biding her time, picturing how it would look up there... the only trophy missing from her crowded, gleaming shelf." "One team on the Affirmative, arguing for the resolution." "The other on the Negative, tearing it down." "This year's national resolution is specifically about farming subsidies, not socialism." "By overstepping the resolution, they haven't met their prima fascie burden to defend said resolution and should be considered untopical." "Subsidies are at their heart an extension of socialism... that's from Gutierrez, '03." "That the negative team has no legitimate arguments against socialism isn't our fault." "They didn't penetrate the subject as deeply as they should have." "To suggest that we haven't refuted the very basis of socialism is fallacious and specious." "I refer you again to the quotes my partner read regarding..." "And so it goes." "The high school debate, like the war that rips through your city and ravages everything in its path;" "Kids wielding words like weapons and brandishing ideas like axes." "Nothing else mattered in that final round." "There was no world beyond it." "Except that 46 miles away" "Hal Hefner was at home..." "just sitting at home like nothing or none of New Jersey was burning around him." "We're gonna have to break up the set." "What am I gonna do?" "Put it all in a garbage bag?" "My stuff's not gonna fit in a garbage bag." " Yeah, put it in a garbage bag!" " Here, keep the deodorant." "Why don't you go down to the basement?" "There's another set down there." "Quit slamming the drawers." " Oh, come on!" " You're gonna break the drawers." "Give me a break." "I'm taking this." "I hope you don't mind, because you took everything else of mine." "On that May night Hal Hefner had hardly a voice at all." "Charlotte." "...could you not do that?" "Because I may have to come back and get some stuff." " See ya." " No, no." "Don't take that bag." "Hey, Hal." "Earl, I'm..." "I'm taking these." "I'm not going to be living here anymore and that's why I'm taking the suitcases." "Just leave the big bag with the rest of the set." "Lord, this is so you!" "Here's your suitcase." "You guys are going to be all right." "And I'll..." "I'll see you sometime soon." "I don't know what else to say." "I can't put it into words." "Back on the stage of the State Championships the night at last revealed itself as not just any night, but as the night, the night when it all began." "Ben Wekselbaum, the best voice to ever debate for PHS," "Plainsboro High, according to anyone who ever heard him... that Ben Wekselbaum, he just went quiet." "Our next advantage basically says that human relations can only thrive in an atmosphere of total equality." "That human relations can only exist..." "Sorry, I just said that." "Wait, wait, wait." "Ben?" "46 miles apart, at the very same moment, all the arguments stopped." "So there was this bridge of silence spanning New Jersey." "No shouting from Hal's parents, no debating, no voice." "No one's voice at all." "That year's National Debate topic was farming subsidies." "And if you don't know how farming subsidies could inspire all this commotion, then you don't know life and there's nothing that can be said about it." "Suitcases end marriages and farming subsidies launch cataclysms." "Can a voice travel from one person to another, like yawning or mono?" "Sure it can." "That's our position:" "That the will to speak traveled that night across the dark New Jersey highways until it arrived on this very block, where it would take up residence, or try to, in someone new." "Gladys, let's go!" "Timeliness is an important part of it." " Heston." " Earl." "I'll just have the..." "just the... just the..." "just the... just the pizza, thanks." "Thank you." "What kind of a name is O. Henry?" "Not a pseudonym, that we all know;" "but...?" "How about nom de plume?" "Does nom de plume sound right?" "It sounds right to me." "It was toward the end of the reading that no one seems to have completed." "Open your books to page 248." "Let's do the reading that should have been done last night." "Fish or pizza?" "Yeah, I'll have the pizza." "Fish or pizza?" "I'll have the..." "The pizza's plain or pep." "Fish is... not sure." "Like general fish." "Yeah, I'll have the... the... the... the, uh... the... not..." "not the..." "I'll just... just..." " just..." " The fish?" "The general fish... please." "Come back for seconds." "Plenty left." "Thank you, ma'am." " Fish or pizza?" " Pizza." "Do you want to keep on trying the breathing exercises, or something new?" "Is it all right if I... if I don't have an opinion?" "Let's try this." "I read in this journal," ""Clinical Pathways to Speech Pathology,"" "that it's hard to be anything but fluent when you whisper or sing." "I sent away for a videotape of some people trying that out." "Not a solution, obviously, but wanna give it a shot?" "I can't..." "I can't..." "I can't..." "I can't do this." "Isn't this too stupid, Honoria?" "Even for Honoria." "This is too stupid." "I can just feel it." "I explained this, Hal, that this is not my specialty." "I'm sorry, I'm trying." "It's really a shame that you're not hyperactive, because that I know well." "And that I can work miracles with... hyperactivity." "But... back to breathing." "Yeah?" "Breathe." "Good, come on." "It was 1858, and while Senator Stephen Douglas set out his case that states ought to choose whether to allow slavery," "Abraham Lincoln consulted with the smart citizens of Illinois to plot his answer." "Lincoln's a chick." "Let me find now a citizen to assist me in coming up with arguments against Senator Douglas." "Where can I find such a citizen helper?" "The commoner in the striped plum-colored shirt... we need you, sir." "Rise to your duty." " Come on!" " Get up there." "My assistant has come to offer me arguments in my debate against the Senator." "Ha!" "Now I'm quaking." "What cannot a house divided against itself do?" "It is this argument that will lead me to victory." "What cannot it do?" "Uh... it... it..." "Hold it further away from your mouth." "What cannot a house divided do?" "It can't... can't st... can't... can't..." "Mr. President... a house divided can't..." "Some help from the citizenry." "It can't stand." "I thought it would shit itself." "Thank you." "How about a round of applause for the good commoner?" "Ladies and gentlemen, the silence with which you have listened to Mr. Lincoln during his hour..." "You look taller onstage." "Agnes." "Agnes." "Agnes." "Agnes." "I'm trying not to listen, okay?" "Distinctly not to... you're like one foot away, so just..." "Do you wanna hear your problem?" "You've no agenda." "Strictly head-in- the-ground material." "Look at me." "Look at me." "I wake up every morning and what do I do?" "I create an agenda for the day, which is a sub-agenda for the month, which is in itself a pie sl... which is in itself a pie slice of my agenda for life." "Do you want to hear my purpose for today?" "L... uh, I..." "no." "L..." "I..." "I can assure you that I absolutely do not." "Probably call the cops on me anyway." "Hey, Adolf, switch with me." "Upsy-daisy." "This is my seat." "Like all seats on this vehicle, yours has been paid for with taxpayer money." "Which means that I or anyone else has just as much right to it as you do." "In fact, given the distinction between what your family surely pays in taxes and mine," "I think it's safe to say the seat is substantially more mine than yours." "Do you see now?" "I'll be taking just a minute to talk to the little man, and then you can go on borrowing my seat for as long as you like until I want it again, right?" "Coach Lumbly, with the pilgrim hat, she teaches patterns of adult living." "She's on her third husband, name of Wallace Lumbly." "Wallace III." "It's a particular pattern she doesn't lecture us on in class." "Anyway, she came up to me after a presentation on egalitarianism and said that although my argumentative skills were at the fetal stage, she sensed, somehow she intuited my potential and she invited me on the team." "So now here I am two years later doing the same thing with you... recruiting, ferreting out the debating talent from the masses." "That's you." "I've ferreted you." "You mean..." "you mean public speaking?" "Like, speaking... in public?" "No, I don't think that's..." "that's not... that's not very..." "Resolved that the federal government should support the teaching of abstinence in public schools..." "from sex." "It's a big step up from farming." "That was last year's resolution." "Yeah, I know." "Suit yourself." "But deformed people are the best." "Maybe it's because they have a deep resource of anger." "It serves them well." "Were you trying to say thank you?" "I thought you might be stuck trying to say thank you." "You're welcome." "I'm sure this is awkward for the boys." "Not one bit." "Not one single bit." "I swear I'm more nervous than anyone." "Honestly, Jules, I'm a small-claims judge." "It's lucky I'm not dating someone from Trenton." "Is this a traditional Korean dish?" "Because it has an exotic odor." "Uh, that's tuna casserole." "Use your finger!" "Shut up!" "My dad hasn't dated anyone before your mom for six years." "Can, uh... can we just not talk about that?" "I got this by a tree stump in the park." "Look at this one." "Fire!" "Then on Thursday... it could have been any day but it wasn't;" "it was Thursday... for no good reason, something happened." "And it was like a little wave breaking over him." "Take aim..." "And it said the name" "G-l-N-N-Y." "Ginny." "The wave said the name Ginny." "Over and over." " Ginny, Ginny, Ginny..." " Fire!" "Zero points, Hal Hefner." "Ginny." "The etymology of the word spreading is unclear but we believe it to be a blending together of speed and reading, spreading." "All it is is jamming as many arguments into your time as you humanly can." "Here we go... the effects of early sexual relations include transition of diseases, out-of-wedlock pregnancies and a host of potential illnesses... a host of potential illnesses including depression and low self-esteem." "Consider contention one earlier." "Participation in the program is 53% more likely to yield positive results." "You know, the other thing that I wanted to tell you is that you even look like this guy I used to debate with... in a shorter, goofier kind of way." "And what would you be doing here looking enough like this guy if it wasn't for me to discover you and what talents are hidden within?" "Hi." "Hi." "Resolved that Hal Hefner should really stop letting the world tell him what's possible and try and figure it out for himself." "Maybe that's a life's philosophy suited just to some of us who cherish winning." "So maybe it's not for you, but I think that it is." "The quality of life among teens who refrain..." "Before this, there was the nothingness of Plainsboro, New Jersey." "But now Hal Hefner suddenly had only one thought." "And it felt like all his life his brain had been waiting for this thought, so comfortably now did it fit in and take up all the room there was." "You're on my street." "You're still on my street." "Do you... do you have any idea what public property is?" "We'll see." "My mom, Fern, says it's public property, and if it's okay with your mom you can come have 7-Up with me, but the icemaker's busted, so..." "Hi." "You want to sit down and listen to an old couple work on their marriage through some music therapy?" "I'm upstairs!" "Uh, uh... uh, no thanks." "Not... not... not today." "I have a request in for binoculars for my 12th birthday, so... we'll see about that." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Who, uh... who is that?" "Beats me." "Hey, do you know if she wears a bra?" "Wanna see a bra?" "Yeah, uh..." "I should..." "I should really..." "I should... should..." "I should really probably go home now, Lewis." "Okay." "Uh, Judge Pete?" "Judge Pete?" "Your Honor?" " Hm?" " Do you... know any, uh, do you know any lawyers... great lawyers who can't talk very well?" "Not... not fluent, but yet great lawyers whose clients don't end up getting the chair?" "Uh..." "Oh, there's a bailiff with a prosthetic leg." "What are you thinking, Laverne?" "Hi." "I, uh..." "I talked to Ms... to Mrs..." "which is it, anyway?" "To... to uh... to the coach, and, um," "I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm gonna come inside for debate prep now, uh, thanks to you." "Someone took something of mine." "I had a locket." "I had a 24-karat gold deco locket with two pictures inside." "Is this ringing any bells?" "One was of me, the other was of someone else... a boy, of sorts." "What's a..." "a deco?" "My mother believes that one of her pseudo friends stole it, because he, or even she, is secretly a pedophile and wanted the locket to stare into or suck on or utilize for other specific erotic purposes." "But I told her that I have this hunch..." "I have this womanly hunch that it was taken out of my backpack by someone at P.H.S." "It's like I sensed it leaving my presence." "Just an ounce... but a burning ounce as it left my person." "Well, I don't..." "I don't think that the pedophile thing could be true." "Not that I, uh, even really know anything about that." "But, I just don't believe that anyone would really think of you like that." "Like what?" "I mean, just, uh, sexually, I mean." "That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me." " Wait, no!" " I can't believe you said that." "No no, I didn't..." "no..." "I never should have asked you to join the team." "God only knows what I was thinking." "But, I didn't..." "no..." "Earl." "Thief." " Yes?" " L... here, I..." "I stole it." "Shouldn't you be at school?" " You took the locket, you weaselhead!" " Get out!" "You left my theft box a shit-faced mess." "Don't ever touch the stuff I steal!" "I mean it!" "I steal it, it's mine!" "You should put that on your business card!" "I'm gonna tan your hide, you fake thief!" "You God-awful make-believe thief!" "Judge Pete is gonna lock you up." "Get your own motherf'ing plan!" "If you tell anyone I stole it," "I'm going to wipe my ass with your Chapstick, and I'm gonna reach in your eye sockets and tear out your pancreas." "I'm hiding my theft box where you'll never find it." "This is ridiculous!" "And stay out!" "It's for you, Annabelle." "Uh... uh, he... uh..." "Is this the Hefner mansion?" "Um, uh, I... yeah, uh, can you... can you hold on for a second?" "I'm just gonna, um..." "uh..." "I'm just gonna move." "But stay on." "You can hang up now, Earl." "You can hang up now, Earl." "Oh, okay." "You're the boss of me." "The boy whose picture I keep in the locket that you stole, did you see him?" "Uh, yeah, he..." "His name's Ben Wekselbaum." "We debated together until he freaked out at the final round at States and left me with a lousy second-place trophy." "I've never felt anything like that." "Have you ever felt like you could burn the world down?" "Every day." "Well, he dropped out of high school and though he never did have the decency to call," "I heard through the grapevine that his grandmother got him a job at the world-renowned Louise dry-cleaners in Trenton." "L... yeah, I don't think that I've ever heard of it." "Right." "Anyway, ultimately it's a good thing that the spirit of cowardliness overtook Ben Wekselbaum, because it has one:" "Left my partner arrangement free this year, and two:" "Allowed me to find someone that I can mold into the kind of bare-knuckles debater that I want to debate with." "The best debaters are the ones with something to prove..." "I, trying to rise above the fiasco of last year's States, and you trying to prove to the world that you're not as retarded as you sometimes sound." "Which is why I want you to overlook the embarrassment that comes with having taken my locket and join up with the team after all." "You're on dishes tonight, Virginia." "I'm on an important phone call, is what I'm on." "They're all important calls in the world of Virginia Ryerson." "I have to go." "I'll see you at my house on Saturday." " You're helping me with research." " Yeah, oh, uh..." "Ginny, are you..." "are you still there?" "Oh, I am, Katherine, yes, and it's a good thing I am." "Earl!" "If you think you're gonna get a long-term girlfriend without my permission, you got another think coming." "You'll never sleep safe again." "Not ever." "Don't do it, little shit!" "Don't do it!" "Try not to steal anything if you can." "Cut it out and come inside." "Close the door behind you." "Sit down." "You're finding me quotes in the affirmative." "So, uh... what do... what do you believe in when it comes to abstinence?" "Top debaters never really believe in anything." "It gets in the way of arguing from both sides." "But I mean, like, for you, like in your own life." "Debate is life." "You shouldn't think about it in any other context." "Because in my mind, I don't..." "I don't really think it's... a very good idea." "Abstinence, I mean." "Because, um, I just... don't think it's a very good idea, not for kids in New Jersey." "Okay, well, that's enough tangential bullshit." "Write down these template arguments against abstinence:" "One, supporting it violates the barrier between church and state;" "Two, it's an enforcement of a dated, sexist agenda;" "Three, sexual freedom is the basis of human freedom;" "Four, it separates us from Western cultures, Europe in particular, when we should be drawing closer to our international allies;" "Five, psychologists say that repressed sexual functions can create adult neuroses;" "Six, abstinence programs actually increase risky sexual behavior among teens;" "Seven, it creates barriers between free- love-generation parents and their more conservative children;" "Eight, and finally, we oppose abstinence because the world might end and then basically everyone we know dies a virgin." "Wow." "Yeah, all those when you think about it." "In preparation for our first official debate exercise next week show me that you can argue in favor of abstinence." "Well, um..." "I think I may be better arguing from from the other side of this." "How." "Um... the only one that I could..." "that I could really... that I could really come up with was... that, uh, love is..." "it's more special when you..." "when you do find it." "The special-love case." "Probably that stinks, but I'll think about it some more and we'll see." "Dad says he and Mom have done every one of these at least twice, and some as many as 100 times." "But he says no one's keeping count, which seems like a big waste 'cause he could be the Kama Sutra Barry Bonds or something and no one would even know it." "Yeah, I tried this one with my pants on on Winchester, our old dog." "But he wouldn't sit still and he died a month later." "Mmm, hot and spicy." "Descartes." "Man, oh man." "Hey, would you be interested in joining my club?" "The Junior Philosophers." "Oh, uh, well, I uh... I... my plate is kind of full." "I know what you're thinking." "We read everything, but no Hagel, if that's your concern." "No, uh, actually I'm waiting for a girl." "That girl." "You know what you can do for me right now is write up some more flow charts." "Oh, thanks." "Okay." "Once I was your age, just as quiet on the inside as most of you novice debaters are." "Quiet as a mouse." "Or a stone." "Or a bowl of pudding." "And then I saw my first debate and the pudding was no more." "None of you novices understands me now." "You will." "Until then, the thing to remember is there are rules that must be followed." "That's debate." "And that's life." "Our exercise today is an accelerated run-through of a complete debate round to teach you those rules." "Why is the Hal Hefner bowl of pudding allowed to demonstrate to us?" "Uh, he's first year, that's true, but Miss Ryerson has assured me that he's a quick study and a rare talent, and he will instruct and enlighten us today." "Our debate begins with Ginny, the First Affirmative, delivering an eight-minute opening speech." "For our purposes, Ginny will synopsize that down to 10 seconds." "Good afternoon, ladies and germs." "Our Affirmative case today in effect states that increased teenage pregnancies will eventually bankrupt Social Security, destroy the economy and result in the Third World War." "Therefore, we will quadruple the federal spending given only to schools that teach abstinence to their students." "Thank you." "That was lucid, thank you." "Now there's a two-minute cross-examination," "Second Negative to First Affirmative." "Crystal Hamish-Steinberg is the Second Negative." "Crystal Hamish-Steinberg, would you give us an exemplary question that you would ask?" "Have you ever heard of Bangladesh?" "The perfect tease." "Now the women may sit while the First Negative rises to respond to Ginny." "Phillip?" "Rather than attack the Affirmative case," "Crystal Hamish-Steinberg and I propose the following Negative counterplan:" "We grant all the harms claimed by the Affirmative, but state that the better way to combat teenage pregnancy is by pouring money into a huge rock concert that we'll call the "Concert for Sexlessness."" "Thank you." "Now the First Affirmative cross-examines the First Negative." "Do you have statistics on how many rock stars practice abstinence?" "How many rock stars in the historic Concert for Bangladesh were Bangladeshi?" "I'll ask the questions here, Phillip." "The combatants sit." "Now Hal Hefner wows us with his Second Affirmative, another eight-minute speech boiled down here to 10 seconds." "Uh..." "There were three immediate lines of argumentation that came to mind." "But the best one went like this:" "The plans are not mutually exclusive." "Increased funding for school programs doesn't preclude the Negative team's badly named" ""Concert for Sexlessness."" "The government can and should do them both." "Uh, the..." "Hal Hefner visualized himself in that moment as the kind of kid who can state," ""The plans are not mutually exclusive,"" "whenever he wants to say so." "The plans are not mutually exclusive." "The plans are not..." "no, they are... they are not mutually exclusive." "I'll be handling Hal Hefner's cross-ex and rebuttal until the first actual debate tournament against other actual schools." "Until then, he will be my silent partner." "Hal Hefner, sit down." "Do you know what I sounded like the first speech I gave when I was your age?" "Ben told me I sounded like a Bob Dole impersonator." "I don't..." "I'm not even really..." "I'm not even quite sure who that even is." "That was your first try, your first of many." "And I don't even think anybody really noticed." "It really... it wasn't that big a..." "So... we should get back." "Well, I should get back and finish the round..." "Resolved that the federal government should support the teaching of abstinence in public schools." "Resolved!" "The motherf'ing federal government should support the teaching of abstinence in motherf'ing, fucking public schools!" "Resolved!" "Do you..." "do you guys, um... do you know how, um..." "how... how you, or one, would take a relationship to the next level?" "I'm glad you came to me, because... this is exactly the sort of problem that Mommy and Daddy would royally screw up." "See, it's all about having an agenda, which they will never tell you." "If you have a plan, like "today, I'm getting a blowjob,"" "it helps you to realize it." "It's all very scientific." "Mm-hm." "Yeah, I'm uh..." "I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm just a doubter that giving me a... a BJ is high on Ginny's list." "You're her partner, right?" "So you wait until the moment is right." "Like after you crack a good..." "a really good joke, like the one that I crack about the Queen of England, and then ask." "It is totally worth the risk." "And you never know." "Once you've had a blowjob, you'd understand." "It's like... it's like walking through a brick wall." "You know, Ginny said that I won't be her... her, um, her real partner for months." "And that until then, I'm like... the mascot." "The disfluent mascot." "The disfluent mascot who's not getting a BJ." "Like the aardvark." "No, that..." "that was a joke, Heston." "There is no... there isn't a debate mascot." "I, for some reason, was convinced it was an aardvark." "No." "C'est la vie." "Hey, uh, can l..." "I just..." "What?" "Oh, uh, I just wanted..." "I wanted to try, uh, this joke out on you." "It's, well, uh... it's, well, the delivery is kind of tricky, so..." "What happens is that the Queen of England goes onto this... this television show, and..." "Listen, I'm almost done with this chapter." "It's Thomas Aquinas." "But if you continue telling me that filthy joke," "I'm gonna put this book down and punch you very hard." "You know, some... well, someday you'll find love and then... then everything will be different." "Mas... mas... uh, masturbation is a natural precursor of adult sexual development and it should be unfettered in a child's learning." "Johnson, '98." "Her plans changed." "Virginia says to keep on working hard and she'll call you to let you know when you should come on over." "Well, because the Hazlet tournament is almost here, and..." "Just keep on keeping on and maybe she'll call you." "Hi, there." "Do you know... do you know if Ginny Ryerson is okay?" "Because she canceled our time today and we have a... we have a big tournament coming up, at Hazlet High School, and all the major Jersey schools will be there." "And I... and, uh, she hasn't..." "she hasn't really, uh, told me what her strategy is gonna be to help me deal with my..." "with my speech." "She got into a Lincoln with that Indian guy." " And you're back." " Is Ginny all right?" "Because Lewis Garrles from across the street said she got into a Lincoln with an Indian man." "A boy, that's right." " So, she... but she's fine?" " Fine." "You, could..." "will you just tell her that... that I'm done and over with the masturbation defense?" "Tell her that, will you?" "Just assure her that I'm... that I'm..." "that I'm... that I'm done with masturbation and I'm ready to show her." "You take care now." "I told Judge Pete about all the fun you've been having with debate, and guess the news?" "Heston's a joiner." "Uh, yeah, um... it's... it's too late, Heston." "The, um... the teams have all been settled." "Coach Lumbly said that after the first tournament someone always gets creamed and never comes back." "So, I'll be filling that slot, whomevers that may be." "To discover opportunity in misery:" "There's sense in that." "That's how I found you, my love." "Hello?" "Connie Ryerson speaking." "Uh..." "Virgil?" "Is that you?" "Uh!" "Uh..." "Uh, uh... uh, this is, uh..." "this, uh... this is, uh..." "this is..." "Hal Hefner for, um..." "for... call..." "I'm..." "I'm calling for, uh..." "G-l-N-N-Y..." "Ginny." "Hold the line." "Hi, Ginny." "It's Hal." "Hey, Hef here." "What's up?" "Hal?" "Uh, yeah..." "yeah?" "She says she'll see you at the debate tomorrow." "Okay?" "Okay, well, we... we... um, I really..." "I really... we..." "I really..." "we need to, uh... practice with her." "She'll see you then." "Hello?" "Good morning, Judge." "Good morning, our esteemed opponents." "N..." "let's..." "Let's begin with our plan." "That the federal government should..." "Shut the mumbling, Susie." "But do not stop working, because if you fail tomorrow, the whole Hefner family fails too, and I am not a failure." "So do not do it!" "Uh... good morning there, Judge... good morning, our esteemed opponents." "When you work so hard at something, so hard, all that extra time..." "Wallace, you always tell me balance out, balance out, balance out..." "What are you talking about?" "Ginny Ryerson has transferred to Townsend Prep for the rest of her senior year." "We have an even number so, Hal, you'll muddle through today with Heston and we'll reconstitute the teams tomorrow." "Let's go, Wallace." "Would you like to tell me what our Affirmative case is?" "Or would you rather it be a surprise?" "Uh... good... good..." "good morning there, Judge." "Good, uh... good..." "good... good morning to you, uh... both, you, our esteemed opponents." "Good morning, uh..." "The... ab... ab..." "That, uh... resolved that... that... that... that... that..." "that, uh... that it, uh..." "How much time, timer?" "Yeah, hello?" "Mr..." "Mr... uh..." "um, Mr..." "Hal?" "What's the matter?" "It's... it's, uh..." "it's, uh, well, it's funny that you ask, actually." "Um, I've..." "I'm just..." "I'm just here at, um..." "I'm at..." "I'm at..." "I'm at Hazlet..." "Hazlet High School, at the debate." "And spent the last..." "I've..." "I spent the last seven minutes of my round-one speech trying... trying to say the resolution." " Oh, man." " Yeah." "Well, there's that video I gave you, "Singing Instead of Talking."" "Yeah, did, uh... did rat poison and a straw come with that video?" "Well, my ex-girlfriend, the PhD at Annenberg, she used to say her brother never stuttered if he spoke in an accent." "You could try the accent you know best, and maybe that would help." "Well, anyway, I wouldn't count on it." "Mina's advice was about as far-fetched as she was." "You know, open relationships just... don't work, Hal." "What?" "Uh, I'm advising... that you should try to do an accent." " Okay?" " If I do that you won't see..." "you won't see me on Monday." "'Cause I'll already be..." "I'll be on a..." "I'll probably be on a plane to..." "Can you hold on for a sec?" "Okay, I should..." "I should, mayb..." "maybe I should..." "I should probably go." "Good afternoon, esteemed opponents from Glen Rock." "Good afternoon." "Let's get our..." "let... let's, uh..." "let..." "let... let's get, uh, down and..." "down and... down and dirty, shall we, with this..." "this thing... this thing... this thing..." "this thing I'll call our plan." "Excuse me, I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm really sorry." "Slice of pizza or Sloppy Joes, and I don't want to debate about it." "I'll take the pizza." "Townsend Prep's just a really, really good school." "Slice of pizza or Sloppy Joes and I don't want to debate you on it." "Pizza, two slices." "Slice of pizza, Sloppy Joes, and I don't want to debate about it." "Um..." "I'll..." "I'll have the... not the... the, um..." " the, um..." " We're out of pizza." "Sloppy Joes are all that's left." "But they're not that terrible if you've never had really good ones before." "Thank you, ma'am." "She's not here." "Ginny and I don't eat at tournaments... draws blood from the brain." "...will cause special love in adulthood." "I just..." "I don't..." "I don't really know what to do here." "Well, um, this is the girls' room." "So..." "Okay." "I want to read, also, what one judge wrote about Virginia." "She wrote:" ""Virginia may be the next Barbara Jordan."" "How about that?" "First place, Individual Speaker..." "Virginia Ryerson." "Where's the trophy?" "Thank you." "Hal Hefner, stay a moment, would you?" "I'm gonna regroup." "Um, let's be adults here and think about who could use... a little time on the sidelines." "Ginny recruited me." "Okay?" "She intuited... intuited that I..." "that I... that my... that my brain was made for this." "I mean, you can't even... you can't even ask me a question without my brain filling up with retorts." "It's... it's full of retorts." "Do you know Mento Buin, who doesn't speak more than six words of English?" "Or Evie Spedarsky, who has such pronounced Irritable Bowel Syndrome that she's being studied by a team at Princeton?" "No." "What about Elvis Hunsinger, the boy who pees himself in gym class?" "Well, everybody knows..." "Elvis." "She tried to recruit them all." "Never crossed my mind that this could be some scheme of hers, but, when you think about it looks pretty pat." "Your mom's running late but wants us to..." "Hey, now." "Wait a minute." "Let me see." "Oh, Jesus!" "Man, oh man!" "The most Heston ever hauled in was an honorable mention in the Hip-hop Danceathon." "But this is too much coming from you!" "On behalf of your dad..." "This goes on the dining room table for your mom to see when she gets home." "Whoo!" "My dad told me I was the world's utmost idiot for not realizing you won something today." "Please accept my belated congratulations." " Hello?" " Hello, Sylvia." "Fern didn't say anything about Lewis's friends stopping by!" "I get paid per kid!" "She can't be going to bed." "Resolved!" "Sylvia, no tip for you tonight." "Fuck!" "There's a cello in your house now." "I hate you!" "Mommy and Judge Pete hate you!" "Daddy hates you!" "Melody, Daddy's new girlfriend, hates you." "That bottle was reposado, you doofus dunce!" "Uncle Chaz spent big bucks on that." "Uncle Chaz hates you!" "That's all I wanted to say." "There's pineapple cake in the fridge." "If you're late I'll eat the whole cake, so don't be late." "Maybe you should put the whole debate thing behind you, all a..." "a lark of adolescence." "We all have 'em." "Mine was cheerleading." "I was the one boy on the cheerleading squad." "Imagine that, huh?" "Give me a "H," uh-uh-uh." "Give me a "A,"" "uh-uh-uh." "Give me a "L," uh-uh-uh." "What does that spell?" "Hal." "That... that image is... is not really helping." "Just... just because debate was a wipeout," "I mean, you know, a colossal wipeout, doesn't mean that you're a failure." "It's the activity that failed you." "Hey, there's nothing to say you couldn't try for the Spanish Club." "You could be Spanish Club Vice President in no time." "Kyle Felowitz is El Vice Presidente." "Yeah." "My point, Hal, is that you have to get out of your own way here, man, go back to living the way you were before you tried to exceed your... your limitations." "Hal Hefner floated above his life, saw the world around him as if he were just a ghost floating through." "Nothing could harm him now." "Nothing could move him or make him love again." "He was that kind of ghost." "The kind that couldn't love again." "...observation 1-A." "Diversion is the norm." "Quoting from the "Journal of Adult Sexuality" '74:" "The root cause of sexual dysfunction are many..." "As a boy ghost," "Hal Hefner surveyed the world as he knew it." "And in everything he saw was evidence that life goes on with or without love." "He had stopped thinking about the girl, had stopped dreaming about her, or, even if that wasn't entirely true, had stopped dreaming a certain kind of dream about her." "Well, maybe most of the time." "Then spring came... 11 months after his father left;" "six months since he last saw Ginny;" "and six since they'd kissed." "Over and over again!" " Just stop!" " I just want us to be buddies." "Be buddies with yourself!" "Boys... your mom and I are over." "That's according to her." "She said that it was all her, that it's always all her" " and could we be buddies?" " This is a very complicated adult relationship." "This is why your dad left." "You're just so messed up!" "Shit!" "Good God!" "Mommy!" "Mommy!" "Hal's freaking out in the garage!" "This is gonna turn out bad, I can feel it." "Virginia Ryerson, please come to the main office." "Virginia Ryerson, you have a visitor in the main office." "Are you her little brother?" "You look like you could be her little brother." "I'm..." "I'm her ex-lover." "Take a seat." "She'll be with you in a minute." "So how far did you get with her?" "Does... does it count as second base when it's groping through the shirt?" "Maybe in public school." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, uh, uh... I..." "I have, uh... it's spring break at Plainsboro." "I have..." "I have the... the day off." "Okay." "I'm going back to A.P. Latin now." "Wait..." "I'm..." "I'm returning this to you." "It belongs to you and... and it's important to me that you have it." "It's your Hazlet trophy." "I had a bad night, but I'm better now." "I don't want the trophy." "I'm..." "I'm gonna go back to class." "You need to leave." "Wait... every..." "every... every... everybody has their own path!" "And, uh..." "Security, please report to the main office." "Need you to deal with a... stuttering boy in the main office." "It was like he was pretending, pretending that it could all be what it was." "But it can't." "You can only pretend for so long before the forces that be take that away from you." "Just like that, it took off and he found himself sprinting." "It was ridiculous, but he did... he sprinted." "You don't let love collapse all around you and not put up a fight." "You punch back, unless you can find someone else to throw the punch for you." "Then, by all means, do that." "Yeah?" "Uh, I'm..." "I'm here from Plainsboro High, and I've..." "I've, uh..." "I've come here to find you." "Wait in the front if you care to." "My shift ends on the hour." "Oh, I care to." "Yeah, well, that's fine." "Wait in front." "That's God doing your dry-cleaning." "God does dry-cleaning." "He wears a smock." "Man, it's a blessing to be squarely and dearly out of the goddamn suburbs." "Suck the marrow right from you, the suburbs will." "And it takes years in the big city to inject the life back into you... literal years." "You... you mean, the big city is... is... is Trenton?" "That's right..." "Trenton." "Oh." "Did Ginny send you?" "Oh no, she doesn't... she doesn't..." "she doesn't know anything." " Lumbly?" " No, no." "No." "Because if this is part of a grand design to get me back to school..." "You smell that bus exhaust?" "That'll be what you leave behind on your way back to Plainsboro without me." "Wait." "The thing is, is that, uh... what I want... what I want..." "what I need is your help." "You don't even know me." "You... you do realize you're like... you're like a legend at PHS, right?" "Right, I'm the next Shelley Hasty." "Who is..." "who's she?" "He." "He supposedly drove a Chevy Nova into the cafeteria in 1986." "There's a plaque somewhere next to a water fountain in his honor." "Well..." "I'm..." "I'm gonna be the next legend at PHS." "And that's... that's not gonna happen for me any other way than to win..." "uh, to win at States." "You're gonna win at States?" "Yes." "Well... well... well, uh... we are, yes." "It's so pointless." "That's the realization I came to at States last year:" "Life is nothing but repetition, the same thing over and over." "Somebody might give you a trophy and that's supposed to mean you're making progress, but there's no such thing." "The fights you fight today are the fights you fight till you die." "Yeah, well be..." "be that as it may..." "Sure." "Be that as it may." "Wait, it's not some college-application bullshit that is... that's like the driving force here, or any bullshit." "I'm sure." "No, uh, do you want to know what it is?" "Yeah." "What it is, is... what it..." "what it is, is... uh, it's, uh... is, uh, is... no, what... what it is, is... it's..." "well, it's love." "Well, if it's not that, then... then it's the need for... for revenge when... when love goes bad." "It's one of those two, love or revenge." "I'm not really sure which one." "But it's one of those two things that made me throw a cello through somebody's window." "So you figure it out." "An actual cello?" "I mean, like, yeah, like symphony-size, as far as I know." "You know, that's pretty sharp in my book, as far as reasons go." "Yeah, it took a bunch of throws, but you know, I'm good for a bunch." "Have I got this right?" "Your contention is that we should debate as a team?" "You, an inexperienced kid with a bad and unpredictable stutter, me, not having debated at all this year and having no knowledge of the resolution." "In support of this, you basically offer up that you threw a cello through someone's window." "It's charming, no question." "But is it persuasive?" "Why not make the case that, A:" "Allowing me to return to States and win this year will tie up that loose end so that I can forge ahead free from any of life's regrets;" "B:" "That charitable enterprises such as this would be the lifeblood of advanced civilizations even, perhaps especially in places like Trenton, New Jersey;" "And C:" "That while this life here is infinitely preferable to the wretchedness of the suburbs, it's also not quite what I must have had in mind and maybe I miss some of the mundane thrills of policy debate." "Yeah, I mean, all of that." "This goes against my better judgment." "It does." "But what we'll need is one Affirmative case and one all-purpose Negative counterplan." "We can't do a year's worth of work in one month, so we'll concentrate on those two lines of attack." "You'll have to arrange with your parents... do you have parents?" "Oh, yeah, I have a... a mom that I see most days and... and I see my dad some weekends." "You'll have to come to some arrangement with them or else let go of trying to so that you can spend evenings and weekends here." "We'll register as a home-schooled team." "My grandmother will sign whatever official paperwork is required." "But all such considerations wait on our priority, and that's finding you your voice." "Suddenly, Trenton was a different city;" "no longer a dead end but a starting place." "Trenton:" "The very city of triumph." "Fire when ready!" "This isn't... this isn't very good for one's spirit." "I can't hear you!" "It's... it's spirit-crushing, I said." "Fine." "What should I say?" "Give me your standard Affirmative opening." "Yeah." "You know, I haven't really said it enough for it to really be... for it to be standard." "Throw me the cello!" "Uh..." "Let's get down and dirty." "Let's get down..." "Let's..." "let's get... let's get, uh... let's get..." "let us..." "let us... uh, okay, let's just..." "let..." "let us..." "It's a riddle." "Yeah, yeah." "What it is is one of those rare instances where one of us having an advanced college-degree might actually help." "I won't whisper." "It's a trick, but it's... it's, uh... it's crap." "It's a crap trick." "And I won't..." "I won't do an accent, however good..." "however... however... however good I may be at them." "So that just leaves..." "that's... that's just... that's just singing." "Singing my speeches." "And then..." "and after that, arran... arranging to have my... have my... my... have my ashes scattered over the Plainsboro Municipal Pond." "You know, I've..." "I've thought about the whole... the singing, and, uh..." "I don't think I can do it, the song thing." "This is "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."" "We might prefer something more modern, I realize, but this is the only piece I can play all the way through." "What you're gonna do is just learn the song well enough to keep it in your head, to let it flow through you as you speak-sing your speeches." "And we'll write to fit the rhyme." "We think our case will state that sex is bound to be explored..." " Abs... abstinence is the catalyst..." " Breathe." " Breathe first." " Abstinence is the catalyst to... to support such a... such a..." " a far-ranging... platform." " I got it." "Go away!" "That's Dad's." "I thought you could use a bigger suitcase... one with an actual handle." "I swear, Penelope, I don't know what you would do without someone in this family who can steal and then organize." "Could I have a request, Earl?" "Lf... if I win today, could we say..." "could we say that you... you'll stop calling me with girls' names?" "Could we say that, if I win?" "Let's not push it, shall we?" "Besides, Penelope's my favorite girl's name." "All right, well, could we... could we maybe just leave it with Penelope then?" "Yeah, we can do that." "Thank you and welcome to the 43rd Annual New Jersey State Debate Championships." "There are 22 schools represented here from every region in the state." "Every preliminary round through the semifinals will take place in the classrooms in the adjacent academic buildings." "You'll only return to this auditorium at the end of the day for the final round and the presentation of the trophy." "Now, before we begin," "I want you to give yourselves a big round of applause." "That's right." "Now, pairings for the first three rounds are randomized." "Then they're weighted by win-lose record." "Would you sign this?" "It's my favorite brief of the year." "It says that abstinence leads to a global crisis in mental health." "Aren't you that Chinese boy?" "I'm K-Korean, yes." "And just... just so... just so that you're... that you're aware, it's really ignorant to lump us all into one category like that." "You all can't win, but you are all winners." "Good luck to you." "You think our case will state that sex is bound to be explored, that adding funds for abstinence is what I will have roared." "But such a case has been heard so much that we are bored." "Our plan is, thus, not that." "Our... our..." "uh... uh... our... our... our government can best support teaching abstinence by refraining from the common and ugly arrogance." "Instead of telling us we should never do the dance they should adopt this plan:" "Amend the Constitution so that no one over 20 can serve in government, there'll be only kids a-plenty." "We'll... we'll..." "write the laws and fix sex ed, and it won't cost a penny." "That's our basic plan." "What we'll..." "what we'll... what we'll do is create a new federal government where teenagers are only... are... are the only... the only voices of authority." "By doing so... we'll help..." "we'll help create a... a wider consensus among teens." "It's a more... it's a more dem..." "it's more... it's more... it's a more democratic system and democracy is the very basis for love as we'll argue below in the rest of my song-speech." "Now, please..." "please turn to... contingent..." "contingent one of our plan." "Now... now... now, this one's a little harder to get the whole... the whole... the kinda..." "the... the rhyme scheme for it, because... uh, because of all the quotes that say... that have "sexologist" in them which isn't really... it doesn't... it doesn't really rhyme with too much." "But it basically..." "it basically goes like this:" "The role... the role of the sexologist..." "Gentlemen, come with me." " Ben." " Marsha." "The bow tie, the pretty boutonniere?" " Yes, sir, it stirs the pot a little." " For me too, Coach." " No, don't do that." " Excuse me, Coach?" "I'm..." "I'm..." "I'm like..." "I'm a minute into my..." "into my opening." "And, uh... well, uh... well, I've... well, uh..." "well, I'm killing in there." "Aren't I killing?" "I've heard worse." "She's..." "she's heard worse." "There was an objection raised to your entering here today." "And the New Jersey League officials have already voted on it and it doesn't feel altogether great to have to tell you this." "You're not home-schooled, Mr. Hefner." "And working most days at a dry-cleaner's, Mr. Wekselbaum, means that you're not either." "You've been barred from the competition." "You're welcome to stay and observe if you like." "You know, we... we, uh... might have actually won the whole thing." "Probably not if you really apply powers of reason to it." "So that's..." "so... so... uh... so that's..." "that's it?" "Come and visit me sometime, if you want." "We'll reminisce about this and what it means." "Teen sexual experimentation in these programs..." "Well, uh... uh... today was not my day." "Okay?" "But... but, uh..." "but... but, uh... some... someday will be." "And... and on... on that day, you... you will be sitting at home alone." "At home." "And you'll... you'll think to yourself..." "when you're alone that... that... that..." "I knew him when." "Him being me." "Anarchy is not only the best system in which to encourage adult maturation, it is also the best system in which to encourage sexual liberation." "Don't you dare go thinking this was easy for me or simple!" "If you think my feelings on the matter were clear, then you'd be underestimating my complexity." "And while I see that you don't recognize this now, you actually have me to thank... in part, modesty forces me to acknowledge, but in large part... for your newfound zest of competition and gamesmanship." "That was very clever of you, to find Ben." "Surprisingly clever and very painful." "Which means that I upped your game, little man." "You're welcome!" "Liberation breeds liberation, i.e." "Sexual freedom inspires political freedom." "At the heart of all liberty is the liberty to engage..." "Sir?" "I will have one of..." "I'll have one of the..." "I'll have a slice of your... the... of... one of your..." "one of your..." "I'll have a slice of the... of the... the... the..." "one of... what..." "I mean, you can imagine it's not fish because you don't have any fish here." "At least I hope not." "It's good." "Um... but I'll have a slice of the... of your... one of your... um, slices of the... the... the... the... the pizza." "You can pay me when you're through." "You know, why don't I make it not just... not... not just..." "not... not one... not one slice, but, uh," "I'll have..." "I'll have... not one." "I'm gonna close up in a bit." "Why don't you just take all three?" "Otherwise they're getting trashed." "Yes!" "Thank you." "Thanks." "Eventually, all of this would pass." "And the memory of it would give way to embellishment and fantasy and outright distortion until it was hard for Hal Hefner to remember what he was really like back then." "When he still carried in his head the sound of a made-up perfect voice, the voice that could speak its heart, the voice he used to wish he had, until the day he stopped wishing he sounded like anyone else" "and just started talking as he was." "You okay?" "Yeah, I'm okay." "But, uh, listen... what do you..." "what do you..." "I mean, what are your thoughts on... like on... on... on love?" "Oh, man, it's so late, Hal." "I, um..." "I couldn't find the... the off-ramp." "And I ended up circling back three times." "And, uh..." "I don't even know if I know how to get you back to Plainsboro." "You know, it shouldn't be... shouldn't... it really shouldn't be like rocket, uh... shouldn't be rocket, um..." "Sometimes, I don't know," "I guess I just wonder when it all starts to make sense, you know?" "All what?" "All this." "You know, everything." "Oh." "Well, I guess there comes a point, you see, when you reach a certain age and you're in Jersey, or someplace just like it, and... you stop trying to figure it all out." "You just... are glad for what you have." "Oh." "And that..." "that... that... that just, like, happens for everyone?" "Yeah." "Pretty much." "But you let me know if it turns out different for you." "I'll do that." "I'll find... a... a way... a g... some good way of letting you know how it all works out." "{{{the end}}}"