"Jeannie." "Jeannie, come on out." "Jeannie." " Good morning, master." " Good morning, Jeannie." "My, you look handsome this morning." "Thank you." "I'd like to ask a favour of you." "Oh, thank you, master!" " You haven't heard what it is yet." " It does not matter." "You never let me do anything for you." "Oh, well, this is not exactly for me." "It's for Roger." "He's got a birthday coming up next week." " I want to give him a surprise party." " Oh, I love surprises." "Yeah, yeah, I know." "I've invited a few of his friends over here and I'll keep him at the base as long as possible." "I don't want him to suspect anything." "What is it you want me to do, master?" "Well, I haven't had any time to plan for the party." "I want something different, you know." "We used to have some wonderful parties in the old days." "Yeah, I'll bet you did." "I was wondering if you could come up with an idea for the party." "Yes!" "I remember a party that Nero gave." "Yeah, well, no, I don't want anything quite that extravagant." "Hi there, fella." "Hey, you're a mean-looking thing, aren't you?" "You're having a circus." "Oh, Dr. Bellows." "Would you mind telling me what that's doing here, major?" "Yes, I suppose it does seem strange." "No, no." "Doesn't everyone have a tiger in his living room?" "You see, Roger's having- He has a birthday coming up and I wanted to do something special for him." "Feed him to the tiger?" "No, no, you see..." "Well, I just want to give him a surprise party." "Something like, well, like Nero used to do, you know." "I not only don't know, I'm sorry I asked." "General Peterson wants to see you and Major Healey..." " ... in the computer room at 11:00." " Yes, sir." "And come alone." "Jeannie." "Jeannie." "Jeannie, where are you?" "Come on." "Jeannie." "Would you mind, please?" "Thank you." "Thank you, thank you very much." "I think we'd better think of something a little simpler." "Oh, yes, master." "Oh, it must be wonderful to have someone give you a birthday party." "You should know." "You must have had hundreds" " Thousands of them." "Oh, I have never had a birthday party, master." "You haven't had-?" "Well, how can that be?" "I do not know when my birthday is." "Well, I think that's terrible." "Well, it is a strange feeling not to know when you were born." "It usually does not bother me but when I see someone else is having a birthday, I I do wish I knew when mine was." "I'll tell you what." "Why don't you celebrate Roger's birthday with him." " We'll make that your birthday party." " Oh, no, thank you, master." "It would not be the same thing." "I would like to have a birthday of my very own." " Yeah." " Oh, do not worry about it." " Forget I ever mentioned it." " No, I won't." " I'll find out when your birthday is." " Well, how?" "Go home and ask your mother." "Oh, but it was so long ago, master." "She may have forgotten." "Believe me, mothers always remember birthdays." " You really think so?" " Yes, yes." "I tell you what you do." "You go find out when your birthday is." "Come back and tell me and I'll give you the best birthday party..." " ... anybody ever saw in Cocoa Beach." " Oh, you are wonderful, master!" "Oh, I am so happy." "Now I'm going to be just like everybody else." "Yes, well, maybe." "Have a good trip." "Oh, thank you, master." " Oh, goodbye, master." " Goodbye." " Hi, Tony." " Oh, hi, Roge." "Where's" " Where's Jeannie?" "Jeannie?" "Oh, she went home to her mother." "Home to her mother?" "You two quarrel?" "No, no, she went home to find out when her birthday was." " You mean she doesn't know?" " No." "No, when she gets back and tells me I'll give her a party she won't forget." "You wanna help me?" "Okay, you pay for the candles, I'll pay for the party." "Come in." " Good morning, gentlemen." " Good morning, sir." "If you're ready..." " ..." "General Peterson's waiting." " Would you mind telling me..." " ... what this is all about?" " Not at all." "General Peterson wants you to meet ERIC." "ERIC?" "You mean this whole room is ERIC?" "" Electronic Rapid Input Computer. "" "This is the fastest computing machine in existence." "It can figure out the answer to any question." "Wonder if it can tell me about the redhead I have a date with Saturday." "Don't press your luck, Major Healey." "That machine cost five million dollars." "I wanted you both to know it's available to help you solve any problems you may run into." "There's the control panel, here's the manual." "Thank you, sir." "I'm sure ERIC will be a great help." "If you need it, let me know." "I'll have Captain Reynolds..." " ... program it for you." " Yes, sir." "Five million dollars." "How about that, huh?" "You little devil." "I bet you could tell me about that redhead I have a date with, huh?" "Roger, I've been thinking." "If ERIC could give us the ratios on this input chart..." " ... we could save about a week's work." " What'll they think of next?" "Master, I am back." "Oh, hi, Jeannie." "Did you have a nice trip?" " Nice trip, master." " Did you see your mother?" " Yes, master." " How is she?" "Oh, she is fine, thank you." "Did you find out the day you were born?" "My mother says I was born in February, master." "February?" "You're an Aquarius." "Yeah, what day in February?" "It does not matter, master." "My father says I was born in December." "He remembers the icicles hanging from the roof." "My sister says it was in June because she remembers picking roses to bring to me." "Our next-door neighbour swears it was in October." "Oh, it was so long ago, nobody remembers what month it was." "You mean, there's no clue at all?" "All anyone is sure of is that Neptune was in Scorpio when I was born." " Neptune was in what?" " Those are astrological signs." "Weren't there any records kept?" " Records?" " Yeah." "Usually when a child is born, there's some kind of a record kept." "Wasn't there the equivalent of a Hall of Records?" "Of course." "I remember now." "The Emperor Caligula had everything removed to the courthouse of ancient Rome." "Oh, it will be there." "Oh, you are brilliant, master." "I will be right back." "You know, I'm generally not too fond of genies, but she's an exception." "Good evening, master." "Good evening, Jeannie." "Say, I was beginning to worry about you." " Did you find the records?" " No, master." "The Hall of Records burned down during the great fire of '64 when Rome burned." "Oh, while Nero fiddled." "How did you know that?" "Well, never mind." "Say, Jeannie, I'll tell you what." "Why don't we just pick a day and celebrate that as your birthday?" "No, master." "I want my own birthday." "Yeah, well, I know." "When we can't find out what it is, you have to pick the next best thing." "No, master." "I do not want the next best thing." "I want the best thing." " Yes, yes, I know, but" " My own birthday." "Jeannie, look, well, I just can't get it for you, that's all." " It's humanly impossible." " You are my master." "If you cared for me, you would find my birthday." " Yeah, but how?" " Oh, you will think of something." "Good night, master." "How do I get myself into these things?" "Come in!" " Hi." " Oh, hi, Tony." " What brings you here?" " I need your help." "Oh, my help?" "Well, is anything wrong?" "Jeannie couldn't find the records on her birthday." "That's too bad, Tony." "She expects me to find out when her birthday was." "It was 2000 years ago." "Well, you came to the right man for advice." " You know what to do?" " Of course." " What?" " Lie to her." "Pick a day." "She'll never know the difference." " I couldn't do that." " Why not?" "Well, it wouldn't be right." "Well, if your conscience bothers you tell her you just picked a day." "I already did." "I gave her your birthday." " What did she say?" " Well, she wants her own birthday." " Help me, will you?" " Help you pick out a date that happened 2000 years ago?" "What do you think I am, ERIC?" "That's it." " What's it?" "I'm ERIC?" " No, ERIC'll help me solve the problem." "What are you talking about?" "ERIC only operates if you feed it information, and we don't have any!" "Sure we do, sure we do." "We know that Neptune was in what?" "Scorpio?" "Was in Scorpio the day she was born." " What kind of clue is that?" " Well, it's the only one we've got." "Neptune's been in Scorpio millions of times." "Well, once, maybe." "But we know she was born about 2000 years ago." "That narrows it down." "And if General Peterson finds us fooling with ERIC, he'll narrow us down." "It's the only way to find the date." "You with me?" "Okay, I'm with you." "Boy." "Well, I guess we sink together." " This is wax." " Yeah, they're all wax." " Good morning, Roge." " I'm afraid you'll have to sink alone." " What do you mean?" " Can I come in?" "Oh, sure, come on in." "Boy, I couldn't sleep at all last night." " I can't go through with this." " Go through with what?" "ERIC!" "If we're caught with it, we'll get wiped out." "Jeannie will forget about her birthday." " I'm not so sure." " I know women better than you." "What's life and death today is forgotten tomorrow." "Yeah, well, I hope you're right." "What are you doing?" "Oh, forgive me, master." "But whenever I get unhappy, my powers weaken." "Yeah, well, that vase cost a lot." "I paid a lot of money for that." "Oh, do not worry, master." "I will get you another one." " What is that?" " A Christmas present for Dr. Bellows." " Oh, forgive me, master." " Oh, boy." "Oh, if you can only find out when my birthday is..." "Well, I'm afraid it happened a long time ago, Jeannie." "What are you-?" "What are you doing?" "Doing?" "I don't want to be rude or anything, but one of your feet is missing." " Oh, it's happening!" " What's happening?" "Oh, whenever I am very unhappy I begin to vanish." " To vanish?" " Vanish?" " Yes." " Jeannie, you stop that right now." "I cannot help it, master." "Goodbye." " Goodbye?" " Goodbye?" "Now, don't fade away." "This is your master talking." "I cannot help it, master." "If I am unhappy, I just fade." "Well, you get happy, I mean it." "I mean right now!" "You think that's the right way to handle this problem?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, you're absolutely right." "Let's think of happy things, shall we?" "Oh, yes, yes, master." "I do not want to vanish." "Now, what about the picnic we had?" "Yes, that that was a lovely day." "Remember, in the museum, when you found your slippers?" "Yes, I enjoyed that." "Hey, hey, one of her feet's back." "Hey, how about that?" "Now what about the time when I stuffed the Blue Djinn in the vacuum, and you got rid of him." "Remember?" "Yes, oh, that was funny." "I could never forget that, master." "Hey, both her feet are back!" "Thank you, master." "Just keep thinking happy thoughts, okay?" " I will, I will." " Good girl." "Who needs a birthday, anyway?" " Oh, no!" " Nice work, Roger." " I was only" " I can feel myself vanishing again." " Hold on, Jeannie." " I'm afraid I cannot stay if I do not know my birthday." "We're gonna find out your birthday." "I thought you said there was no way." "Well, we have a way." " Yes, it's known as a suicide mission." " Jeannie, just hold on." " Give us a little time." " I will try, master." " Just think about when" " Don't say a word." " I was only" " Not a word, come on." " Can I ask you where we're going?" " To see ERIC." " Can I say one word?" " What's that?" "Help." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "You know what'll happen if we're caught?" "Don't think about it." "That's easy for you to say." "Roger, I want you to stay out here and warn me if anybody comes." "Yeah, I'll give you two sharp whistles." " What is it?" " I was just practicing." "Sorry." "Tony." "Tony?" " What are you doing here?" " What am I doing?" "Will you hurry?" " You've been in here over an hour." " Well, I'm almost through." " Do you know what you're doing?" " Yeah." "I hope ERIC knows what he's doing." "I'm feeding him the information." " I ought to have the answer in a minute." " If you ask me, he looks stupid." "I said if you ask me, he looks stupid!" "Would you go out and guard the door?" " Yeah." "Two sharp whistles." " Right." " Two." " Okay." "Major Healey?" " Yes, sir?" " Are you all right?" "It's a friend of mine that I'm worried about." " Anyone I know?" " Well, not exactly, sir." "See, I have a 15-year-old cousin and she fell in love with the milkman." "The family made her stop drinking milk altogether." "And that became a malnutrition problem." "Of course" " Dr. Bellows?" " Well, I think we've done it." " Do you?" "Yes, yes." "Oh, hello, Dr. Bellows." "What are you doing here, sir?" "The question is, what are you doing with this machine, Major Nelson?" " What machine, sir?" " That machine." "Oh, ERIC, I think of him as human." " Thanks a lot, Roger." " You haven't answered my question." " What question's that?" " What are you doing?" "I was feeding it some information." "I'm trying to find a date." "If he doesn't find the date, a certain thing he's got going could disappear." "I see, you're computing a launch date." " Yes, you might say that." " Is the machine being helpful?" "I certainly hope so, sir." "Well, I think General Peterson will be very pleased that you're using it." "Yes, sir, he'll get a real kick out of it." " You had no trouble programming it?" " No, sir." "Good." "Well, I'll leave you to your work." "Thank you, sir." "Oh, no, not" " Not now." "You're getting a readout." "May I see it?" " Sir?" " I said, may I see it?" "I don't think it'll be interesting to you, sir." "Oh, I'm fascinated by these machines." "May I?" " Oh, all right, here you are." " No, no, no, the entire slip." "You were born in the year 64 B.C." "Sixty-four B.C." "What kind of data is that?" "Oh, well, I must have fed it some wrong information." " Or it had a case of indigestion." " Does it say anything else?" "Yes, it gives a birth date." " It does?" " May I have the date, sir?" "Major Nelson, if you think ERIC is a Chinese fortune cookie you're very much mistaken." "In future, if you want to use this machine Captain Reynolds will program it for you." " Is that clear?" " I'll just hold" " I said, is that clear?" " Yes." "Would you mind giving me the date, sir?" "As a matter of fact, I would." "Now, if you gentlemen are through with your games..." "Gotta do this all over again." "Major Nelson!" " What is it?" " Major Nelson!" "Yes, sir?" " Do you understand what I said?" " Yes, sir." "Sorry, sir." "I had it in my hand." "I had the date right in my hand." "Do you understand that?" "We could've knocked him down and taken it away from him." "Good thinking, yeah, that's great." "Master, I came to say goodbye." "Goodbye?" "You can't go, Jeannie." "Looks like she's half gone already." "Oh, I am sorry, master, but when I'm unhappy, I just" "I have no control over this." "Remember when I found you in the bottle on the beach and you were so happy?" "It's no use, master." "I am slipping away." "Remember the time I let you drive my car, remember?" "Do not forget me, master, please." "Major Nelson's using ERIC to find out somebody's birthday?" "I was there, sir." " Why would he do that?" " I have no idea, general." " Maybe we should ask ERIC." " What?" "Oh, nothing, sir." "This is the date the machine gave him." "He seemed most anxious to have it." " My mother was born on that day." " But not in 64 B.C." " Sixty-four B.C.?" " Yes, sir." "The person they were looking up was born in that year." "Sounds to me like ERIC had a breakdown." "That's what they tried to claim." "No, general." "There's something behind this." "For some reason, this date is most important to Major Nelson." " But he didn't say why?" " No, sir." "I told him to stay away from ERIC unless Captain Reynolds was there to program his questions." " I want you to rescind that order." " But why, sir?" "Let Major Nelson use the machine any time he wants, only he'll be watched." "That's an excellent idea, sir." "He's going to Alaska for two weeks." "I'll tell him when he returns that ERIC is available to him." "The next time it gives him information, I want it sent directly to me." "I don't want Major Nelson to see it." " Amazing." " What's amazing?" "That it took a five-million-dollar computer to catch Major Nelson." "A moonlight ride in the park." "A chocolate ice cream soda." "The time you suspended me over a pit of crocodiles." "That's funny." "Remember the time you blinked me to the South Pole?" "Wonderful." "You happy now?" "No, master." "I'm sorry I ever had a birthday." "Jeannie, have I ever lied to you?" " Yes, master." " Well, I'm gonna make you a promise." "If you'll just hold on, I'll find your birthday, your real birthday." "I will try, master." "Good girl." "Now you just pop back to your bottle..." " ... and I'll see you home tonight." " Yes, master." "What's the matter?" "I'm losing my power." "You mean you can't get out of the office?" " No." " Well, you can't stay here." " You're not government issue." " What shall I do?" "Oh, here, get into..." " Get in here, right in here." "Come on." " I will try, master." "Good afternoon, sergeant." "Are you feeling better?" "Good." "Jeannie." "Jeannie?" "Jeannie?" " Where are you, Jeannie?" " Here I am, master." "Are you all right, Jeannie?" " I think so." " Good." "You just stay right there." "Everything is gonna be fine." "Hello, Dr. Bellows." "Dr. Bellows." " Is your desk all right?" " Yes, fine." "Yeah, well, you know, a desk is a desk." "Yes." "I just came in to tell you that when you return from Alaska you can have free access to ERIC again." " That's wonderful, sir." " You'll be leaving in the morning?" "Yes, yes." "They're painting my office, so while you're gone if you don't mind, I'll be using this office." "Oh, good, good." "What are we going to do, master?" "We have to find out your birthday before Dr. Bellows moves in." " Hi, Tony." " Hi, Roge." "Brought you a glass of milk and a doughnut." "A glass of milk and a doughnut, what for?" "What for?" "At a time like this, you've got to keep up your strength." "I guess you're right." " Well, let's get going." " Get going where?" " To see ERIC." " Wait a minute." "I hate to sound like a pessimist, but this seems like a trap." "Well, it can't be helped, Roger." "ERIC's our only chance." "And besides, look at the kid." "She's really fading away." "Good luck, master." "Thank you, Jeannie." " And Jeannie?" " Yes?" "Whenever it is happy birthday."