"Hope this doesn't embarrass you, Jen, but I find the best thing to do with a new employee is to size them up with a long, hard stare." " So." " So." " First day." " Yes." " Scary." " Yes." " Don't be scared." " I'm not really scared." " You should be." " I am a little bit scared." " Well, don't be." " Make up your mind." "Ha, ha, ha!" "So here you are." "Yes." "Really looking forward to getting to grips..." "I'm going to put you in IT, because you said in your CV you have a lot of experience with computers." "I did say that on my CV, yes." "I have a lot of experience with the whole computer thing." "You know, emails." "Sending emails." "Receiving emails." "Deleting emails." "Um..." "I could go on." "Do." "The web." "Using mouse... mices." "Using mice." "Um..." "Clicking, double clicking." "Um..." "The computer screen, of course." "The keyboard." " The bit that goes on the floor down there." " The hard drive?" " Correct." " Uh-huh." "Well, you certainly seem to know your stuff." "Settled." "Got a good feeling about you, Jen." "And they need a new manager." "Fantastic." "So the people I'll be working with, what are they like?" "Standard nerds!" "Hello, IT." "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" "Ugh!" "OK, well, the button on the side, is it glowing?" "Yeah, you need to turn it on." "The button turns it on." "Yeah, you..." "You do know how a button works, don't you?" " No, not on clothes." " Hello, IT." "Yeah-ha." "Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?" "No, there you go." "No, there you go." "I just heard it come on." "No, no, that's the music you hear when it comes on." "No, that's the music you hear when..." "I'm sorry, are you from the past?" "See, the driver hooks the function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory." "Hello?" "Oh, really?" "Really?" "Well, why don't you come down here and make me, then?" "What?" "You think I'm afraid of you?" "I'm not afraid of you." "You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you." "That told her." "Oh, God, it's about time you got back." "It's been all go." " You had a job?" " Girl on fifth." "Did you and her hit it off?" "Define "hit it off"." "Did she continue talking to you once you'd fixed her computer?" "No." "And while I was working on it, she rested a cup on my back." " No." " Yep." "Unbelievable." "They've no respect for us up there." "No respect whatsoever." "We're all just drudgeons to them." "Yes." "If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them." "They're pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed..." "They toss us away like yesterday's jam." "Yes!" "Yesterday's jam." "That is what we are to them." "Actually, you know what?" "That doesn't really work as a thing." "Because jam lasts for ages." "Hello, IT." "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" "Unisex toilets." "You have unisex toilets." "Like Ally McBeal." "That's the sort of place this is, Jen." "A lot of sexy people not doing much work and having affairs." "Wow." "Oh, my God." "Look at that view." "I feel like I'm on top of the world." "Well, Jen, this is where I leave you." "Floor 34." "Very exciting." "OK." "Where am I going?" "All the way down to the basement." "Good luck." "Get out of the lift." "Get out of the lift." "Get out of the lift." "Get out of the lift." "Get out of the lift." "Get out of the lift." "Get out of the lift." "Get out of the lift." "Get out of the lift." " Oh, won't be a tick." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, God." "OK." "Argh!" "Hello." "Hello." "Yes, I believe it was Tolstoy who said..." "Oh, it seems we have a visitor." "I'm sorry, myself and Maurice were engaged in a serious discussion about books and such." "We didn't hear you come in." "Wait a second." "You said it was Tolstoy who said what?" " Oh, never mind that now, Maurice." " When have you read Tolstoy?" " Shut up, Maurice." " Why are you speaking in that weird voice?" "When did...?" "I don't remember this conversation at all." "Don't let me disturb you." "I just wanted to come down..." "Oh, don't be silly, you never disturbed us." "Oh." "Many people come down here to visit." "What are you talking about?" "Who comes down?" "What people?" "Why are you giving me the secret signal to shut up?" "So..." "Um..." "What can we do you for?" "I'm the new head of this department." "Is this my office?" "Why...?" "What did she...?" "Did she just say what...?" "I am the head of this department." "I thought I was." "Well, it's one of us." "It's certainly not her." "I'm going to sort this out." "Roy, you've got a head wound there." "Head wound! Hi." "I don't want to be rude or anything, but I wasn't informed of any changes to this department." "Oh, did they not tell you about me?" "No." "And we are perfectly fine down here, thank you very much." "We're more than capable of taking care of ourselves." "Sure, sure." "You know you're covered in blood?" "Moss." "Amazon thingy." "Ah, wicked." "I know what this is." "It's the new Harry Potter." "I got the child edition and the adult edition, just to check that there are no differences in the text." "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to deal with that woman." "Is nobody else going to get the phone?" "I suppose I'll get it." "No, that is not a phone." "I'm going to have a little lie down." "Come in." "Yeah, Denholm." "Yeah, yeah." "No, no, no, no, no." "No, they've been fine so far." "Yeah." "I think we're going to get on great." "Yeah, I know." "All right, then." "No, you take care." "All right." "Yeah, I will, yeah." "OK, OK, take care." "Take care." "OK, bye." "Bye." "So, hello." "What can I do you fo..." "What can I do for you?" "Hello." "I was just wondering, do you want me to connect up your phone?" "No, n-n-n-n-n-no, no, no." "It's working." "I was just talking to Denholm there." " But how?" " Would you mind...?" "Would you mind closing the door for me?" "Oh, yeah." "Sure." "Yeah, from the other side." "Of course." " Like this?" " That's it." " With me on the..." " Thanks." "Oh." " Are you all right?" " Oh, yes, Moss, I'm fine." "The nurse said I didn't do myself any serious damage." " I'm standing over here." " I know, I know." "I'm joking." "I'm fine." "What are we going to do about her?" "Well, I just went in and she was having a pretend conversation." " Really?" " Yes." "She's a little bit weird, to say the least." " What's that?" " Oh, just water." "Sometimes I get a hot ear, and this helps cool it down." "She is quite the oddball." "Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when saw this original ZX81?" "Yeah, that was weird." "It's almost as if she doesn't know anything about computers." " What?" " What are you doing?" "Don't worry." "That's why I always make two cups of tea." "Anyway, what were we talking about?" " Her not knowing anything about computers." " What?" "OK, so we definitely want to get rid of her." " Agreed." "Yeah." " OK, so here's the plan." "A plan." "Let me put on my slightly larger glasses." " OK, hit me." " OK, we go in." " When?" " You know, like, in a minute." "Will that be enough time for me to get to know the plan?" "Yeah, you know what?" "I shouldn't have used the word "plan"." " I've clearly gotten you overexcited." " Would scheme be a better word?" "Although, that's just as exciting." "I might even need these." "All I was going to say was, we go in, I make up a load of bollocks about computers, and we'll see if she picks up on it." "Yes." "I can see why you didn't want to use the word "plan"." " Let me do the talking." " All right." "Ooh, Moss, Moss." "OK, we need to get this right, yeah?" "We need to stay calm." "We do not want to go in there half-cocked." "OK." "Hang on, guys." "How can I help?" "Well, we were just wondering, now that you're "the boss", would you like us to access the data supplier and connect you up to the matrix?" "You just made all that up." "You don't know anything about computers, admit it!" "Will you stop trying to undermine me?" "Now get in there and do some work to do with com-puters." "I'll be in there in a minute to check up on you." "OK, lady, you've won this round." "But we can wait." "You will slip up one day and, believe you me, we will be there when you do." "There will be some piece of evidence that will prove without any doubt that you don't know anything about computers." "What are you doing?" "Plugging in your computer." "It might be something you say, or something you do, but when we notice it, and, believe me, we will notice it, it's going to be a long way down for you, sweet cheeks." "He'll realise in a second." "Ha!" "I cannot believe you're going to tell on me." "You're like a pair of horrible old women." "What did she say?" " She said we're like horrible old women." " She didn't?" "Hey, guys." "I hear you've got something to tell me." " Yes, well, it's like this." " Look at you." "My IT team." " Yeah." " Team players, each and every one of you." "Yeah, well, she..." "There's no room for people who can't act in a team on my team." "Excuse me." "Hello." "What?" "Well, if you can't work as a team, you're all fired." "That's it." "You heard me." "Fired." "Get your things and go." "Hello, Security." "Everyone on floor four is fired." "Escort them from the premises." "And do it as a team." "Remember, you're a team and if you can't act as a team, you're fired too." "Dawn, get on to Recruitment." "Get them to look for a security team that can work as a team." "They may have to escort the current team from the building for not acting like a team." "Team." "Team, team, team, team, team." "I even love saying the word "team"." "You probably think that's a picture of my family." "Uh-uh." "It's the A-Team." "Bodie, Doyle, Tiger, the Jewellery Man." "The whole lot of them." " So what do you want to tell me?" " Well, it's just not working out." " He's joking." " But you said..." " Not working out?" " Oh, no." "We are getting on like a big house on fire." "My ear's getting hot." "No." "You know what?" "We should leave now, because you're a busy man and we've taken up far too much of your time." " Jen, could you get the door for me there?" " Absolutely, Roy." " Why did you come here in the first place?" " Um..." "We set up a voice-activation system on your computer." "I think you're going to enjoy it." "It might take a little while to get the pitch right on the voice, but nonetheless, go ahead." " Thank you very much." "Bye-bye." " Thank you." "How exciting." "Hello." "Hello, computer." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello, computer." "I mean, what good are you?" "You obviously don't know anything about computers." "No." "But, OK, but I can learn, you know." "I mean, for example" " Moss, you could take me through what you're doing right now." "I'd be delighted." "I'm just working on a very simple piece of programming code." "I see." "Oh, God, no, I'm lying again." "I didn't understand any of that." "I don't know anything about computers." "I mean, I'm absolutely useless to you." "I might as well pack up and go home." "Hi." "Is Roy around?" "Hello, there, little lady." "Are you lost?" "How can I help you?" "I'm Roy." "Oh!" "You wanted me to come down?" "Huh?" " Well, here I am." " Not the face!" "Not the face!" "Well, maybe this will teach you to treat people with a little bit of respect!" "Is there any chance we spoke on the phone earlier?" "Oh, my God." "Are those Manolos?" " Oh, yes." " They are gorgeous." "Were they expensive?" "No." "No, no, no." "Got them in the sale." "Oh, God." "Clever you." "I'm never lucky enough to get a bargain like that." " Well, I should take you shopping." " That would be fantastic." " I'm upstairs." " I'll give you a call." " Nice to meet you." "Take care." " Nice meeting you." "Chairman Wow." "You just defused that entire situation." "What situation?" "Oh, that." "Yeah." "Oh, my God." "Does that happen a lot?" "They're fairly regular, the beatings, yes." "I'd say we're on a biweekly beating." "Oh, it's not all that bad." "Come on, Roy." "It's pretty bad." "Maybe I could help with this." "You know, I mean, I'm a people person, and people like you need a person to deal with people - a people person like me." "Oh, my God." "Ideas are coming." "Things are happening here." "OK, OK." "What would you say, yeah, if I told you that I had a plan to raise your profile upstairs by 100%?" " What would you say?" " It can't be done." "You're crazy." "What would you say, Roy?" "Roy's passed out." "OK." "I need a felt-tip pen and some paper." "Yeah." "Yeah." "No, no." "No, really, really, really." "It was a true story." "Unbelievable." "I don't know why we don't go out with you IT guys more often." "You're hilarious." "Yes, we are!" "Well, you guys should come down here more often, you know." "You should see this as a new era for Reynholm Industries." ""A new era for Reynholm Industries."" "Oh, God." "You know what?" "If you wanna hear something really funny, a really funny story, you should hear what happened to Moss and I when we were so drunk in Amsterdam that Moss lost his glasses." "Moss!" "Moss!" "Come here, come here." "Tell them that story about when we were drunk in Amsterdam." " Really?" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Oh, it's brilliant." "This is a great story." "You're going to love it." "I'm just going to get another box of wine." "Well, go on, then." "All right." " Well, one night we were really drunk." " Yeah." "And we were so drunk that we decided to hire prostitutes." "When they arrived at the hotel, we were too scared to do anything, so we brought them to a fair." "They were really nice." "In the end, they only charged us half." "But we did have to pay for all the rides." "Ha, ha!" "Oh, isn't that just the best story?" "Oh, man." "You told me to never tell that story to anyone." "What are you talking about?" "It's a brilliant story." "And then you nearly walked into the canal." "Has he got to that part with the boatman?" "Oh." "You mean the story where I lost my glasses?" "Yes." "What story did you think I meant?" "Moss?" "What did you say?" "What did you say?" "It's all right for you two." "You're used to being social piranhas." "I'm a very popular person usually." "That girl earlier, that tried to beat me to death with her shoes, did anybody get her number?" "That was a nice day at the fair, wasn't it?" "With Brandy and Crystal." "Hello, IT." "Yeah." "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "Simon Campbell"