"Michael" " Mike." " What is it now?" " This is your lucky night." "How's that for a portable computer, eh?" "It's got 64K, UHF output, a megabite disc-drive, it's got ROM, it's got RAM, it's got them, red and green lights, everything!" "What do I want with a computer?" "What does he want with a computer?" "Everyone's got a computer these days!" " Have you got one?" " Have I got one?" " He's got twenty five!" " Yes, thank you, Rodney!" "This particular model retails at 399 pounds of the realm." "I'm giving it to you for 150." "I'm going to throw in a free joystick." " This thing, it process all your data." " And what exactly does that mean?" "Are you dimm or something?" "Tell him what it means, Rodney." "He did a course in this, he came top of his class." "In 'layman's' terms you can record all your business deals in it." "I spend half my life trying to hide my business deals." "So the last thing I want is to have 'em all recorded on a floppy bloody disc!" " I'm not interested." "Why don't you ask Trigger." " Trigger?" "With a computer?" "Do me a favour, he's still struggling with light switches." "Try that, Albert." "Last time I tasted something like that was when I was in Egypt." " Yeah?" "What was it a local brew?" " No, I fell in the Nile." "Here, Mike, I ordered beer!" "Don't try'n be funny with me, Trigger." "I'll tell you this much, I've had certificates for my beer." "Yeah, I've had a few days off work with it and all!" "Bloody computers." "I bought thirty of them, I've only sold five." " Well that's not too bad, Del." " Not too bad?" "I've had 'em a year and a half!" "Our sales campaign suffered badly when the local office of fair trading" " ...announced to the press that they don't work." " They do work, Rodney!" " You've just gotta fiddle about with 'em, that's all." " They don't work properly!" " You know about this sort of thing, Dave?" " As it happens I do." "Recently I took a computer course and the adult education centre." " And failed!" " I didn't fail!" " What, you passed?" " No, I didn't strictly pass either." "The man in charge said, in not so many words, that I should concentrate more on the theoretical side than the actual keyboard area." "What he actually said was, 'Keep your bloody hands off my machine!" "'" "Thanks for being so encouraging, Del!" "If I could pass that course and get my diploma I might be able to get a real job, working as a real company employee, instead of hanging round with the deadly duo, you and that suitcase!" "D'you know what he's had me doing today?" "This in one of them infra-red massagers, cures rheumatics and all that." "He's had me hobbling through the market like I've got bad lumbago." "Then 'Healing Hands Trotter' spots me and cures me in front of all the punters." " He used to be a cowboy now he's a medicine man!" " Oh shut up you tart!" "You're just narked 'cos you had a hole in your vest!" "I can't hang about here." "Remember that chop-suey house down by the station?" "The one we decorated?" "It's gone bust and they're auctioning all their gear tonight, so I'll see you later." "Oh my God!" " Mr Trotter!" " Mr Jahan!" "What a pleasant surprise." "What brings you in?" "That computer you sold me last month is still not working." "There must be a simple explanation." "Why don't we sit down and discuss it over a drink." "What can I get you?" " Something non-alcoholic." " Michael, pint of your best bitter, please." "I have a business to run, Mr Trotter." "When I bought the computer, at your suggestion, in order to streamline my business." "So far your computer has managed to destroy my accounts, ...my stock records and set fire to my curtains." "You must be pressing the wrong button." "We are talking out of limit hi-tech here." "That computer was used in the American space shuttle." "But it blew up!" "I don't mean it was the same computer." "Although that would explain why it's not working too well!" "Trust me, Mr Jahan." "Give it a bit of time and I guarantee you that in a few days time you'll wonder how you ever managed without it." " I'll give it one week then I'll be back to see you." " That's the spirit, you know it makes sense." "Thank you Michael." "Anyway, I thought that young fella who works for you was a computer bofin." " He has resigned." "Said the work did not agree with him." " Half of them don't know they're born these days, do they?" "I have placed ads in the local paper and at the job centre, but all to no avail." "It's not a difficult job and I pay good wages." "Yeah, that's gonna be difficult for you, Mr Jahan." "I mean you're looking for a young man with drive and enthusiasm." "Not really." "A couple of GCEs wouldn't go amiss though, would they?" "It is not a necessity to all this." "All I am looking for is somebody who can walk." "That's what I mean, you're talking top-notch." "Most people of that calibre have gone off with the brain-drain." "No, it's gonna be a difficult one ..." "Wait a minute." "Pot pourri, pot pourri!" "This must be your lucky night, Mr Jahan." " I may have the very person you're looking for." " Really?" "Who?" "Only my younger brother." "Enthusiastic, and he's got GCEs in maths and art." "Since he came back from Cambridge he's been wheeling and dealing in the commodities market." "All the headhunters have been after him, right from the Bank of England, right down to ICI." " But he fancies something a bit more local." " Can he walk?" " Dashes about all over the place." " Would he like to discuss it with me?" " No, no, I'll discuss it with you." "How much you offering?" " 100." " Del Boy's got something going over there." " Then somebody's gonna suffer." "Talking of suffering, my niece is getting married next Saturday." "You remember little Lisa, don't you?" "She came up last year." "She was the one who arranged for Del Boy to have a go on the hang-glider." "Oh yeah, I liked her." "Well she's invited you all down to Hampshire for the wedding." "Well that's very nice of her, Trig." "Tell her I'd be delighted." " You two are coming, Del's accepted for you." " He's accep..." "He's something else ain't he..." "Hold on, I thought Lisa was getting married last year?" "Yeah, she was." "Then she found out that she wasn't." " Wasn't what?" " You got a pencil and a bit of paper, Mike?" "Well now she's found out she is again." "Should be good though." "A day down by the coast, nice little drink afterwards." "Talking of drinks, I'll get these in." "Rodney, this must be your lucky night!" "I've only been and got you a job." "I don't want it!" "What d'you mean you don't want it?" "You only just said that you'd like to get a job." "Yes, but not from him!" "I've had some of his little 'jobs' in the past and I am here to tell you that he's no Brook Street Bureau!" "That's charming, that." "That is all the thanks I get after all the work and effort that I've done." "This wasn't just a job, Rodney, it was a career move!" " But I haven't got a career." " But you would have had one!" "And it would have been moving!" "And we would have some wages coming into the flat." "We are brassic at the moment." "Yeah, i've noticed some of your novel, money-saving devices are in evidence - again!" "So what's this job then?" "You're not interested, Rodney, so it's purely epidemic innit?" " What sort of job was it, Del?" " He would have been a trainee computer programmer!" "Eventually." "It was mentioned that the successful candidate would - with endeavor - attain executive status." "I thought I'd be humping boxes round and all that." "I didn't know it was trainee executive." "He mentioned your CV." "How bad's that eh?" "Nice little Citroen." "No, I think they might have been referring to my curriculum vitae." "Well that's no problem, there's no heavy lifting involved." " You'd have to start at the bottom though." " Of course." "Doing what?" "Well, sort of delivering!" "Just to start with." "And it's 90 quid, cash in hand, no tax, no nonsense!" "If I'm working for cash in hand I'm not really an employee!" "Yes you would, cause that's only temporary." "What do you say?" "Where will I be working?" "You know that big new office block down in Wilmot Road, the one with the smoked glass and lairy cars?" " Where all them young birds come out of at lunchtime?" " That's the one." " Yeah, I know it!" " Well, right opposite is an alley." "An alley?" "Between the undertakers and the Light of Nepal restaurant." "You go down that alley and you find a yard." "Pop your head in there Monday morning and ask for Mr Jahan." "He'll give you your duties and uniform." "Good Lord, is that the time?" "Gotta get down the Chinkies." "I'll see you later." "Why would a trainee computer programmer need a uniform?" "Don't know." "I don't know what you're laughing at, Unc." "Don't you see what this means?" "You've just been promoted to the geezer in the market with the bad back!" "Congratulations, Lisa, and you too Andrew." "My very best wishes for many years of happiness." "Who knows, in a year or two from now we could all be back in church celebrating the christening of your first born." "Actually, my mother wants to have a word with you about that." "I see." "Vicar!" "Vic!" "Ah, Mr Trotter, how nice." "Thank you once again for your lift." "Oh bain-marie, bain-marie, it's the least I could do." "I'm sorry it was a bit bumpy, but, at least we didn't have far to go." "You know the computer I was talking to you about." "I left it for you in your vestry." "You left it in my vestry?" "It's alright." "I had to take it out of the back of the van anyway, to get you in!" "Just in case the ol' Bishop asks, they normally retail at 3.99, but you can have it at 1.50." " And a pony off for cash." " Pony!" " Alright then. 30 quid!" "I can't say fairer than that." "I'll let you have it on 2 weeks approval." "I mean, if I can't trust you who can I trust?" "Ask and it shall be given, that's my motto." "Darling, you are one of the bridesmaids, aren't you?" "Thanks, Rodney." " What are you doing over here on your own?" " Just reminiscing." "This used to be my old stamping ground." "Portsmouth's just a couple of miles up the road there." "Bet you had some laughs round here, eh?" "Not half!" "The warning used to go out, 'Lock up your daughters, Trotters back in port!" "'" "You remember Mike, don't you?" "He's the water-diviner from the Nag's Head." "Of course I do." "Hello, Mike, it's lovely to see you again." "This is Andy, my husband." "Congratulations, son." "You will never regret what you did today." "I should know, I've been married eighteen years." " Thanks a lot." "Is your wife here?" " No, we broke up back in '73." "Finally the skipper said, 'I know, we'll try and hide in one of the fjords.' So..." "I think I might have heard this story before." "Did you sink?" " Yeah." " I've heard it!" " Why do you bother to listen to him?" " I don't know - a moment of weakness I suppose." " It's a bit up-market, innit, Del?" " I was surprised to see you here." "I am at home in any walk of life." "How are you, sweetheart?" "I don't believe it!" "Will you behave yourselves!" "We're only an hyphen or two away from a society wedding and you're behaving as if you're on a charabang trip to the lights." "Oh shut up you snobby git!" "I am merely trying to conduct myself with a little decorum!" " I assume this 'bundle' is from you?" " That's our present." "Good God, it looks like the bomb squad have had a go at it!" " And what have you bought the unlucky couple?" " It's a thirteen piece dinner service!" " But we've bought 'em a dinner service as well!" " I shouldn't worry, Marlene, they'll be no comparison." "We got ours from Royal Doulton, they most probably got theirs from Dalton's Weekly." "He's good, ain't he?" "He's got more front than Southend." "No, but it is a lovely dinner service, Del." "It's got a hand-painted pattern depicting the changing seasons of the English countryside." "He's most probably given 'em that old crockery he bought at the Chinese auction." "How dare you!" "What sort of bloke d'you think I am?" "Well I wouldn't put it past you." "Come along Marlene." "Shall we circulate?" "Bloody 'ell, Boycie, we've been round more times than a break dancer!" "Did our dinner service come from the bankrupt Chinkies?" "No it didn't!" "I swear on my life!" "Well them plates had an awful lot of Pandas and Pagodas on em!" "They did come from the Chinese take-away." "Look, we've been really strapped for money recently!" "Anyway, I thought they looked rather nice Pagodas." "No they're not, they look more like prisoner-of-war camp!" "I mean how is it gonna make us look?" "Boycie and Marlene's service depicts the changing seasons and ours contains scenes from Tenko!" "Yeah, I suppose you're right." "Hang about a minute. 'Ere." "Hold on to this." "He who dares wins." " Aunt Reen." "D'you wanna drink." " I'll have a port and lemon." "Better make it a small one, I've had orders from young Lisa, that I mustn't get Oliver Twist in front of 'his' family." "I don't know who she thinks they are, big hats and no drawers most of 'em!" "Here's a face from the past." " Albert Trotter?" "I don't believe it!" " Hello, Reeny girl, how you going?" "I thought you went down with the Lusitania!" "Fiver says he did!" "No, they tried but they couldn't get me." "How long you been living out this way?" "I moved from Peckham in 1965." "I couldn't stand that estate any longer." "It's nice and peaceful out here and I don't have to save up to get to the seaside." " You must be retired now." " Yeah." "I'm living back with the family, Joannie's kids." "Del Boy's not here is he?" "He's in there having a dance." "He'll be out soon, he ain't had a drink for four minutes." " And little Rodney's here as well!" " Oh no!" " Rodney's here?" "Oh the little love!" " That's him there." "The last time I saw you you was in your pram." "Who the bloody hell is this woman?" " No, no." "I'm Rodney." " You're little Rodney?" "Ain't you got big?" " You don't remember me, do you, darling?" " No." "This is Trigger's Aunt Reeny." "She used to be your mum's best friend." "Oh yeah, me and Joannie, the terrible twins." "D'you remember when your mum had that cleaning job down at the town hall?" "I used to look after you while she was at work – bath you and everything." "Remember when I took you shopping that day in Woolworths?" "As I was pushing you round you were picking things up off the counter and I didn't know!" "When I got home and took you out the pram I found three bottles of scent, a packet of Weights and a Helen Shapiro record!" "So the next day I took you up Selfridges!" "I reckon the rumours were right." "Joannie was never a hundred percent sure, but you can see the likeness, can't you?" "D'you fancy a dance, Reen?" "I can still cut a rug with the best of 'em." "Keep your hands to yourself though." "See you later, love." " What was that all about?" " Gawd knows." "I remember her from years ago, she's never been the full ten bob." " Oi, that's my Auntie you're talking about!" " It must be a family trait then!" "Albert, don't go in there." "Marlene is pulling all the blokes' shirt tails out." "No!" "Reeny Turpin!" "Remember me, do you?" "Remember you, I'm still having nightmares about you!" "How are you, sweetheart?" "You keeping well?" "I'm smashing, Del." " I say you're looking very prosperous." " Well, life's been pretty good to us, innit Albert?" "Non-stop Mardi Gras." "Let's go and sit down." "I'm feeling a bit cream-crackered after that dance." "She used to be a right little raver in her younger days." "They reckon during the war she had more yanks than Eisenhower." "I heard the Normandy landings started from her scullery." " Who you talking about?" " Trigger's Auntie." "When was it the last time I saw you?" "I moved from Peckham in '65, so that's nearly 23 years!" "You promised you'd come and see me." "I've got a bit tied-up, with business and what have you." "He seems a nice kid, young Rodney." "He's got a diamond where other blokes have got a heart." "Clever kid an all, he's got GCE's." "But he's had you behind him to guide him, Del." "He wouldn't be in the position he's in today if it hadn't been for you." "I'm doing my best by him." "Kept my promise to mum." "She'd have been so proud of you two boys." "I reckon that's why I moved down here." "The old place changed when your mum went." "I lost the best friend I ever had." "Yeah, she was a lovely lady." "If things had worked out a bit better you and Rodney could have been millionaires by now." "I remember going to visit her in the hospital and her saying to me," "'If only I knew where he'd hidden it, Reen." "My boys would be set for life!" "'" "Hidden?" "Hidden what?" " Well, the gold!" " Gold?" "What gold?" " 'His' gold!" " Who's 'he'?" " Freddy the Frog!" " Freddy the Frog?" "Who's Freddy the Frog?" "You mean your mum never told you?" "Oh my Gawd, me and my mouth!" " Forget I said anything Del." " How can I forget it?" "Come on." "You gotta tell me now." "Otherwise I'll get it out of someone else." "It all happened a long time ago." "She met him in about 1959." " Met who?" " Freddy Robdul." " Who's Freddy Robdul?" " That was Freddy the Frog's real name." "He was a villain from Rotherhyde, Not a nasty one, no guns or violence." "He was a gentleman thief." "Bit of a dandy was Freddy." "He used to love French wine and paintings and what have you." "He had a little holiday chalet down this way." "They reckon when the police broke in" " ...the walls was covered with Monets and other originals." " What's this got to do with my mum?" "Well, she, sort of..." "'befriended' him." "Yeah, well, she was a friendly lady." "She'd help anyone out." "Yes." "Well, she used to help Freddy the Frog." "Anyway, one day in August 1963" "Freddy and a little gang broke into the vaults of a bank up in the city." "They got away with over a quarter of a million pounds in gold bullion." "The rest of the gang got caught but Freddy – and the gold - got away." "Well, a short time afterwards, while still on the run, was tragically killed in a freak accident." "When they opened his will he'd left everything he owned to your mum." " A the Monets and originals and all that?" " Oh no, they had to be returned to the original owners." "The same went for the gold except of course, that nobody knew where Freddy had hidden it." "Then your mum left all her worldly possessions to you including the lost gold." "If that gold was worth a quarter of a million in 1963, must be wort a million now!" "Maybe two!" " And it's mine!" " Yours and Rodney's." " Same thing!" "I'm a millionaire." " I know." "Bloody shame no one knows where it's hidden." "Yeah, it's a bit of a choker." "I'll get us a re-fill." "I know you may find this hard to believe and it may even come as a bit of a shock to you." "We are millionaires!" "Oh good, perhaps we can take the magnet off the electric meter now." "You remember in the past when you had trouble with your Cilla, theold Cilla Black, you used to stagger down to the quack's, you paid £2.50 for a prescription you popped that into the chemist and he'd give you a three bob tube of Algipan." "But those days are over thanks to this revolutionary new device." "The inframax deep-penetration massager." "You too girls, you're miles off." "I'm warning you." "This is an osteopeadic device which emits infra-red rays that penetrate deep into the muscles soothing the pain away giving you permanent and instant relief." "How much would you expect to pay if you went on Harley Street?" "Don't touch it I'm warning you." "You'd expect to pay 70-80 pounds for one of these, but thanks to bulk buying free-enterprise, and a mate of mine who does a bit of smuggling," "I can let you have one of these for a mere fifteen pounds." "I'll let you have this for the same amount of money that I paid for it, and that is 14 pounds." "Snatch it off me, come on." "You won't find better..." "D'you mind moving on sir, I'm tryna do a bit of business here sir." "Sorry, son." "I don't care whether you've got ear-ache, neck-ache, back-ache or even any other sort of ache, this little device will cure it." "Try it on him then." " Try it on the old fella." " No, no, I don't wanna do the batteries up." "That's probably not backache." "That's body-language." "I think he's trying to tell you something darling." "No, it's rheumatics, son." "Suffered with it for years." "Try your massager on him." "Alright, I will." "That soppy little thing won't do me no good." "My back's been under experts!" " Confounded the medical world, my back has." " Well, at least let me try." "It can't do any harm." "Slip your coat off." "I see you're a naval war hero." "Forty years before the mast fighting for King and country." " Groan, groan!" " Oh Gawd, my back!" "Remember, no sudden movements." "Not until I have applied the healing rays of the Inframax deep-penetration massager." "Can you feel the relaxing warmth soothing the pain and tension away in your lumbar region?" "Yeah, that's very theraputic that is." "I've never had this done to me before." "Coming from an old sailor that's saying something, innit?" "Oh, that's lovely." "My back feels better already." "Look at that, I can stand up straight!" "I haven't been able to stand up straight for years!" "I don't believe him!" "What is he doing to me?" " He's just a stooge!" " He's part of the act!" " No he ain't!" "We've never met before, have we, sir?" " No Del, we haven't." "You told me to 'get better' in front of the crowd." "But I didn't ask you to do the third act of 'Singing in the Rain'!" "You came round that corner looking like Old Father Time." "One rub of me massager and you turned into Wayne Sleep!" "Well, I'm not used to all this market spieling." "Why didn't you get Rodney to do it?" "Because Rodney started his new job today." "He can't be in two places at the same time." "Come on, clear this all up will you?" "Innit bloody fair, eh?" "I fought a war for the younger generation." "Yeah, but whose side were you on?" "Del Boy, Albert." " Good wedding weren't it?" " Yeah, mustard." "Lisa and Andy were double pleased with that dinner service you bought 'em." " Must have cost a fortune?" " That's alright Trig." "Anything for the young couple." "Here comes Money!" "D'you see the crappy present he bought 'em?" "No, no I didn't catch that, Trigger." "Load of cheap old plates." "Sort of thing you'd get in a bad Chinese restaurant." "That's typical though, eh?" " That's how he got rich, for being so tight." " Yeah, he's tight, ain't he?" "He's the sort of bloke who buys a tin of baked beans on Tuesday so he can have a bubble bath on Wednesday." "Good morning, gentlemen." "Another fine day in Gotham City." "The wedding seemed to go very well, all things considered." "Yeah it was alright, weren't it?" "Did Lisa and what's his name find time to look at my present?" "Yeah they looked at it - not for long though." "And what about 'his' little gift?" "They put Del's present straight in their display cabinet." "Peasants!" "Talking of the wedding, there's something I wanted to ask you two." "Think back to the early sixties." "Do you remember" " Freddy the Frog?" "Freddy the Frog?" "No, don't ring a bell." "I remember Torchy the Battery Boy." "Yeah, and what about Twizzle?" "I don't believe you two." "I just don't believe you." "Hang up, hats off." "Your mini-cab's arrived, Albert." " Is that Dave?" " Yeah." "You git!" "You rotten git!" "You didn't tell me my new job was a chief mourner!" "Rodney, show some respect." "What's he doing?" "Just you wait, Del!" "Just you wait." "Why are you taking us down there, Rodney?" "It's a no-entry!" "Yes, sorry, Mr Jahan, I was talking to my brother and I..." "Sorry!" "Could you just back up a little bit, please." "Would you mind backing up a little bit, please?" "What's the trouble?" "I can't stand it any more." "What a plonker!" "Yes, I'm finding this rather upsetting too." "D'you know the bloke in the hearse then?" "No, but I know the bloke in the Cortina, I sold it to him last week." "You're a liar, Del!" "I swear to you Rodney, I didn't know what your duties would be, Mr Jahan never told me!" "Didn't know, my arse!" "You just set me up for that job so that I could bring some money into the flat." "Well every little helps, Rodney." "Anyway, I thought that black suit looked really good on you." "No it didn't!" "I saw my reflection in a shop window." "I looked like a wand!" "You told me I'd be a trainee computer programmer!" " And are you not programming his computer?" " Oh yeah, I'm programming his computer." "I'm also an apprentice pall-bearer, a fully-fledged chief mourner and I have to go and get the sandwiches!" "Long as you've got job-satisfaction, that's the main thing." "No, I have not got job-satisfaction, actually!" "As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of resigning!" "Well, I'd hurry up before he sacks you!" "That big traffic jam was not my fault!" "Alright, you name one person who blamed me!" " Mr Jahad did." " The grieving relatives did." "The Flying Eye did." "It wasn't my fault the differential on that Cortina seized up!" "I had to call the RAC, and they had to call for a tow truck, but couldn't get through." " Why?" " 'Cos of the big traffic jam." " Anyway it all went off alright in the end." " Yeah, and you could have started a trend." "Floodlit funerals could be all the rage!" "Anyway, I don't want to talk no more about it, I've got far more important things on my mind." "Oh, we're not going back to Freddy the bleedin' Frog again, are we?" "Yes, we are." "There's a million quids worth of gold bullion out there, and it's mine - ours!" "You're something else, you are." "Adrunken old woman spins you some cock 'n' bull story and you fall for it." "Just because Reenee was a good time girl who likes the occasional Tizer, that was alright, she was never a liar." "Anyway, I've been out and seen a few faces this afternoon and they've confirmed it." " The robbery - the gold bullion never being found - the lot." " But how can you be certain it ain't been found?" "I mean over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country" " must have been looking for that gold." " And what would they have done with it?" "They'd either have put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelled it down themselves." "If they do that... and that amount of gold coming on the market causes ripples," " the sort of ripples that'd be remembered for a long time!" " And what if the police found it?" "I'm talking about the police!" "The chaps never found it either." "I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers." " You went and saw the Driscoll brothers?" " Why what they like?" "Smashing blokes, Unc." "It's like bumping into the two Ronnies" " Biggs and Kray!" "They sussed out why you were asking questions?" "No." "You know what they're like." "A couple of years ago some Guru reckoned the world would end within a month." "Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would." "And he's the brains of the outfit." "The only trouble was, I kept on having to refer to him as Freddy the Frog, I couldn't remember his surname." " It was Robson or something." " Robdul." "Robdul!" "That's what it was!" "I've been tryna think of that all afternoon..." "Did you know him?" " Vaguely!" " Why didn't you say?" "Well, the first time I met him he was just a kid – eighteen, nineteen, a different age group from me." "Then over the years I used to bump into him every so often, usually in one of the pubs down the docks." "He were a likeable bloke, very generous." "He was very tall and handsome." "Everyone liked him, specially the women." "Used to fall over them-selves for him." " Yes, yes, yes, but what about the gold bullion?" " Well he robbed a bank in the city..." "We know all that!" "What happened after the robbery?" "About a week after, Freddy and an explosive expert called Jelly Kelly, broke into a post office in Plumstead." "Apparently they set wires and the explosives all right, everything going well, when - nobody knew why – Freddy the Frog sat on the detonator." "They found him up on the roof..." "of a building across the road." "What happened to the other mush, Kelly the Jelly?" "Well, he was holding the nitroglycerine when Freddy sat down." " So he didn't survive either." " Well, if he did he'd be no good in a Mexican wave." "Wherever I go it's the same story – Freddy the Frog took the secret with him." " Maybe he shipped the gold abroad." " There wouldn't be time." "There was only a week between him doing the job and hitting the snooze-button." "There's another thing that's confusing me and all." "If that Freddy was going out with a married woman on this estate, why did he leave all his money to our mum?" " It's a mystery, innit?" " I'll make some tea." "I was talking to one of the Driscoll heavies." "And he reckoned that Freddy had a son by that woman." "It's just a rumour, Del." "I'd take no notice of rumours." "No." "But if it was true the boy would be in his mid-twenties by now." "Still, he don't know who his dad was so he can't make a claim on the fortune." "Look at this Rodney." "Here we are, millionaires, and we're getting threatening letters from the milkman!" "This Freddy the Frog." "Did he have any hobbies or pastimes?" "Did he have any hobbies or pastimes?" "We're looking for his gold, not his tennis racket!" "No, I thought the more you find out about him the more you'll know how his mind works." "Yes, good thinking, Rodney." "He was a bit of an artist weren't he, Albert?" "Yeah, good artist." "They reckon if he hadn't been a tea-leaf he could have made a very good forger." "Well that's got us a lot closer." "Problem solved." "I think I'm gonna go to bed." "I say goodnight to you two." "They're rumours, Rodney." "That's all, rumours." "Goodnight son." "Rodney." "Don't forget, you've gotta be down the morgue by half nine." "We'll finish this then we'll pop down the market and do a bit with the massagers." "And this time, when I've finished operating on you, no tap-dancing!" "Just straighten up slowly like it's a miracle." "Del!" "Got it!" " What's that about?" " Dunno." "It looked like 'peace in our time!" "'" "This morning Mr Jahan asked me to transfer all his old paper files onto computer." " What, my computer?" " Yeah." " Have a read of that." " No." "No!" "What is it, a summons?" "It's one of Mr Jahan's order forms from July 1963." "Look who ordered a coffin to be specially made." "One Frederick Robdul." "It was ordered five weeks before he did the robbery, six weeks before he blew himself up." " D'you see what it means?" " He had a premonition." "You berk!" "This casket here was ordered by Mr Frederick Robdul, but it was made for a Mr Alfred Broderick." " Who is Alfred Broderick?" " No, look at the two names closely." "It's an anagram." "Oh yeah, yeah, I can see that." "But who was he?" "No - bloody 'ell - look." "If you transpose, mix up, all the letters in Frederick Robdul it becomes Alfred Broderick." "In other words Broderick never existed, it's just one of Freddies' aliases." "He's right an' all." " What you're saying is, he put..." " ... the bullion... into the coffin and then got the Co-op to hide it for him or in this case, Mr Jahan." "Right." "It was all legal above board." "It was most probably paraded through them streets." "I'll bet the old Bill held up the traffic for it." "Then it was buried with all the usual honours." "All Freddy had to do was bide his time, then come back for it." "You two seem to be forgetting something." "This isn't a family pet we're talking about." "If what you're suggesting is right he'd have needed permission from the authorities – he'd have needed official documentation – and lots and lots of it!" "So where's he get all that?" " He always has to spoil things, don't he?" " Wait a minute, I think I've cracked it." "Way back in the early sixties when you was a nipper, Mum got herself a jod down the town hall as a... secretary." "A secretary?" "Yeah." "One of her duties was hoovering out the Registrar's department." "She could get her hands on all the documents he needed and mark 'em with the official stamp!" "What are you doing here?" "You're supposed to be helping me with the embalming." "Yeah, sorry, Mr Jahan." "I just took an early lunch." "Just come and sit down for a minute, will ya?" "I'd like to have a little chat with you." "Rodney found this in your files." " But this is confidential material." " It just shows you how keen he is though." "He's bringing his homework to lunch with him." "Do you remember this man, Mr Frederick Robdul?" "Yes I remember him very well, a most charming man." "My father had just bought the business and Mr Robdul was one of our first clients." "The other reason it sticks out in my mind is because Mr Robdul ordered an extra-large casket to be made." "I expect his mate, Mr Broderick, was an extra-large chap." "I wouldn't know, we didn't handle the funeral." "What?" "We simply supplied the casket." "Mr Robdul came and collected it in a van one night." " You mean it was a take-away?" " Mr Robdul told us it was to be a very private affair." "We didn't question his decision – we didn't want to intrude upon his grief and we needed the business." "Does that mean you don't know where it's buried?" "As I say, I don't know." "It was a private affair." "I must go now." " Rodney, how long will you be?" " Back soon, Mr Jahan." " Well, that's the end of that." " You'll never find it now, son." " Yes we will!" " Del, the gold has been missing for 24 years." "The last thing anyone saw of Freddy the Frog was on a radar screen, so what chance have we got?" "He would have buried it somewhere local." "He would have stuck to an area that he knew well." "This is what we're gonna do." "I'm gonna see the flower man down the market and get us a codgel of tulips on sale or return." "You're gonna visit every graveyard and cemetery in the district and you're gonna read every name on every headstone." "And when you leave, you'll leave a flower as if you're one of the relatives." "But there's thousands of 'em!" "If anyone asks you say you come from a big family!" "Rodney, I want you to do the same in your travels." "Bit like a busman's holiday for you." "In the meantime I'm gonna check the records down at the town hall, stonemason's, churches, that sort of thing." "Don't worry brother." "We'll find it!" "Del, I don't want to be the prophet of doom or nothing, but I do get the feeling we're wasting our time." "That is time that could be spent in more productively in earning some money and paying some bills." "We owe two months rent, we're dinking tea with no milk in it and the electricity board keep calling round to see why their meter is going backwards." "There's food in the cupboard, isn't there?" "Yeah, thanks to my pension and Rodney's wages." "It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to drive down to Hampshire" " ...and pick up that computer money off the vicar." " Leave it out." "That gold must be here hidden somewhere." "It can't have disappeared, this is Peckham not the Bermuda Triangle." "And as me going all the way down to Hampshire to pick up a piddling 120 quid that's like admitting defeat." "A sign that I'd give up all hope of ever finding my birthright." "And that is not my style." "When Del Trotter says he's gonna do something, Del Trotter does it!" "You see what I mean Mr Trotter, I've tried everything and it simply refuses to work." " Has it received a whack of any kind?" " Oh no, I can assure you." "There you are, that's all it needed." "Yes!" "I'm not technically minded like you, Mr Trotter." "Some of these hi-tech advancements need a bit of encouragement." "So, if you'll just give me my money, I'll bid you farewell." " I'm afraid I shan't be needing the computer, Mr Trotter." " What?" "As I said to you at the wedding, I couldn't honestly see what part a computer could play in the daily running of a small parish such as this." "And my words have been borne out." "But if it had been working properly you would have seen the benefits." "I'm very sorry, Mr Trotter and I'm awfully grateful to you for giving me it for two weeks on approval but I simply have no need of it." "I can't take it back now, it's been used." "Well, of course it's been used!" "You told me to use it!" "But you've taken it out of its protective wrapping." " And look, it's had a whack there." " But you just did that!" "But I'm not a technician, I'm merely a salesman." "What am I gonna tell my govner?" "I'm gonna have to go and tell him one or two things," "That you took it out of the protective wrapping, you messed about with it, you let an unqualified wally repair it and now you wanna elbow it!" "That machine was in perfect condition when I loaned it to you, and look at it now, it's second hand, innit?" "As you are a man of the cloth and seeing that you are the one who naused it up" "I'm gonna let you have that for the second hand price." " Gimme 100 notes and we'll say no more, alright?" " I don't want the computer!" "But this computer is top of the range, this is the Silver Cloud of computers." "There are thousands of people pouring out of London into the housing estates in your Parish." "Your flock is increasing." "You're gonna need one of these to keep a check on 'em all!" "I only wish that were true." "Unfortunately few people seem to require the services of a church such as this." "It's seems a pity to me that there aren't more people like our mutual friend Mr Robdul." "What?" "I do appologise, I couldn't help overhearing you and Mrs Turpin discussing Mr Robdul at the wedding." " You mean to say that you knew Freddy the Frog?" " I'm sorry?" "You knew Frederick Robdul?" "Many years ago when I came to St Mary's." "He had a holiday home just a few miles from here." "He always used to call in when he was down this way." "A charming and very generous man." "He donated the stained-glass windows." "In fact he loved this church so much his parents are buried here." "Did you ever meet his friend?" "Mr Broderick." "Alfred Broderick?" "Yes." "Not to say 'meet' in the conventional sense." "I had the sad duty to lay the poor man to rest." "He must have been rather a large man," " ...it took eight of us to carry him from the hearse." " Yeah, he was an anagram!" "Could you tell me where you buried it - him?" "I'd like to pay my last respects." "Oh, yes." "It would be here in the records." "He must have been very close to Mr Robdal." "I've never forgotten the way he kept patting the coffin and contained his grief behind a smile." " Yeah." "We were all a bit choked, you know?" " Oh, yes, here we are." "About the computer?" "Don't worry about that." "Give it to the jumble sale, it's only a load of rubbish anyway!" "What do you put in that thing?" "It's me own recipe." "Dutch tobacco." "Navy shag and a spoonful of rum to keep it moist." " Smell the salt, Rodney?" " You put condiments in it as well?" "I'm talking about the ozone in the air." "Takes me back." "Funny how a smell can start the mind turning." "Not to mention the stomach." "Rodney!" "I know where it's buried!" " What, you mean - here?" " Here!" "Come on." "Albert, bring that shovel!" "Del, you can't go digging up a grave in broad daylight!" "I mean, I know there's nothing actually in it, except for gold bullion, but if anyone saw us doing it they might not understand!" "Over here." " This is it." "This is where he buried it!" " Where?" "There!" "A burial at sea?" "Why?" "How did he ever hope to get the gold back?" "There are one or two things our dear Uncle forgot to inform us of, Rodney." "He told us he met Freddy the Frog but he didn't say where and how." "I met him when he was doing his national service in the navy." "Yes, he was a sailor!" "He also omitted to tell us how he got the nickname of Freddy the Frog." "We assumed it was because of his love of all things French." "No, it was 'cos he was a frogman." "I know that now, I just got the full SP off the vicar." "Why didn't you tell us?" "Well, you know me." "I never talk about my days at sea." "We knew that Freddy had a chalet down here at the coast." "If we'd have also known he was an ex-sailor and a deep sea diver we may have been able to put two and two together." "And you would have saved us a fortnight of creeping round every cemetery and churchyard in South London!" "Well, if you knew he was buried at sea why'd you ask me to bring this shovel?" "So I can whack you on the bloody head with it!" "Del, take it easy!" "Well, he gives me the 'ump, Rodney." "He's been a right steaming 'ump!" "It was beautiful." "Really beautiful." "He got all the offended paperwork, a pukka ceremony, a vicar." "He even got two off-duty policemen to help carry the coffin to the boat!" "All he had to do was wait for the dust to settle, then come back with a frogman gear and dive down and get it." "He must have known these waters well, probably been diving here for years." " It's out there, Rodney, our legacy!" " Nothing you can do about it now, Del." "I'm not leaving it there!" "The sea shall not have it!" "I shall bring it back to the surface!" "We can do it!" "I have faith in you, Rodney!" "Me?" "What d'you men you've got faith in me?" "I'm gonna get you all the flippers, the goggles." "You're the only one in the family who can swim." " All I ever got was a fifty yard certificate at school." " You only need to swim fifty yards - down!" "On your bike!" "Where you gonna start searching?" "You're looking at 500 square miles of ocean!" "It took 'em 70 years to find the Titanic so what chance we got with an outsize coffin?" "Gotta do something!" "He who dares wins!" "There's a million quids worth of gold out there, our gold!" "We can't just say Bonjour to it!" " Do I look like him?" " It was just a rumour, son." " Do I look like him?" " Bit." "I always felt as if I was different from the rest of the family." "A bit of a cuckoo." "It was just a rumour!" "Freddy the Frog!" "Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator!" "What a plonker!" " Come on, let's talk about it over a pint." " Yeah, I expect you're right bruv." "But in the words of General MacArthur, 'I will be back soon!" "'" "I am not leaving our birthright down there in Davey Smith's locker." "No way, I tell you Rodders." "This time next year we will be millionaires." "Subtitles NVL"