"Thirty seconds and counting." "Power transfer is complete." "We're on internal power with the launch vehicle at this time." "T minus 20 seconds and counting." "All the second-stage tanks now pressurised." "T minus 15 seconds." "Guidance is internal." "Twelve, eleven, ten, 9..." "Ignition sequence starts." "Six, five, four, three, two, one, zero." "All engines running." "Lift off!" "We have a lift off." "And so in 1972, the Atlas Centaur rocket blasted off from our planet, a four-stage rocket that launched a probe way out into the blackness of space." "The probe would use the energy from the sun and the gravitational pull of our neighbouring planets to cross our solar system." "That momentum would then carry it on into the farthest reaches of the universe." "The mission, to find intelligent life similar to ours out there in deep space." "The probe carried a tablet which had inscribed on it the image of us humans, a man and a woman, and a map to locate us in the universe." "Stage four disconnects and our probe is fired on its long journey." "The world wished it bon voyage and may it find a friend out there in deep space." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Hey!" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Thank you, nice to see you." "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen." "When I interviewed Neil Clarke for The Book Programme," "I knew he was extraordinary." "Now, with the publication of his brilliant novel, reviewers agree he's joined the ranks of Britain's immortals." "Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke." "Um, so I suppose I wanted to start off by asking you how did you manage such amazing insight into the soul of modern man and how do you know what men and women really want, just really the whole relationship between humanity and the cosmos?" "Yeah, well, I think I probably achieved that by looking into my own soul, Catherine." "Um, I studied its flaws, its potential, its urgent needs." "I listened to its cries for help and its yelps of anguish and, um, I..." "I spent five long years in a book which I hoped would throw open the doors of human perception and allow us to be engulfed in a sense of our own futility." "Sorry about this, it's..." "Get off!" "Down!" "Ah!" "Oh, God." "Go watch TV." "Your dog is barking." "My dog was barking because you rang the doorbell." "I rang the doorbell because your dog was barking." "Your lease says no pets." "Well, he is a guide dog." "You're not blind." "I prefer the term "optically challenged"." "You're not optically challenged, either." "Fiona, you live, like, three floors up." "I mean, I don't..." "If you don't control your bloody dog," "I am going to get it sent to Battersea Dogs Home." "Right?" " Hmm?" " All right." "Come on, Dennis, let's go and evacuate your bowels." "Come on, Dennis." "Come on." " Hi, Neil." " Hi, Catherine." "Hey, it's funny, I was just dreaming about you." "Really?" "Yeah, you were presenting me with an award for my novel." "Oh, did you deserve it?" "Well, I was proud but humble." "Have you finished it, actually, in real life?" "Absolutely, almost, yeah." "Cos last spring you were on chapter..." "Yeah, I've renumbered them." "In fact, I've removed them." " Oh." " Yeah." "I find the whole concept of chapters just gets in the way so..." "Yeah." "Yeah, no, I can see that." "I want reading it to be like being sucked into a giant vortex, you know." " Like going on Facebook." " Like Facebook, yeah." "That's a good one." ""Like being sucked into a giant vortex."" "Dennis, why do you let me say things like this, hey?" "Come on." "Hmm." "Mmm?" "Ah." " Come on, Ray." "It's only 20 quid." " No, I can't, Neil." " Yeah, but it can't lose." " No." "Look, I guarantee you a 50% return on your money before the end of classes today." "So when do you make your move on Miss Booker Prize downstairs, then?" "Oh, I don't." "Turns out she's a bit literal-minded, no foresight." "Whereas me, I can see for miles into the future." "A man needs a woman, Neil." " I've got Dennis." " Dennis is male." "And he's a dog, in case you hadn't noticed." "Yeah, well, I don't want to complicate my life." "This is a tenner!" "Walk!" "Accessing representative images of earthlings." "Communication will be carried on in the language of the species to be judged." "I'm sorry, I'm not understanding." "Ah." " Is that better, Kylie?" " Understanding you now, Sharon." "By the power invested in me by the Intergalactic Council of Superior Species," "I hereby pronounce a destruction order on the planet Earth." "With great respect, Sharon, we should not pronounce a destruction order before we've given these earthlings a chance to prove themselves." "They've penetrated intergalactic space." "Maureen is right." "They're clearly not a superior species." "Look at the way they copulate." "If these earthlings can convince us that they are superior beings, then they may join our society." "If they cannot, we must eliminate them, for the moral well-being of the entire Intergalactic Community." "Thank you for explaining it to me, Sharon." "Not at all, Miss Barker." "No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you." "No, I don't want to see you, either." "We had a great time last summer but it's over." "What part of over do you not understand?" "Thank you for calling." "Goodbye." "These questions of yours make it sound as if I thought this bloody author can string two words together." "But he can." "It's a wonderful book." "Darling, didn't you read the memo?" "We're doing a demolition job." "But it's the best thing he's ever written." "Everyone says so." "That's why we have to pee on it from a great height." "I want ten new questions, please, before noon." "Don't you know?" "She never reads the books." "She hates books." "Why is she presenting a book programme, then?" "I spy trouble." "Just..." "Look, Catherine, you may despise her ego, but that's what people tune in to see." "Not books, not authors, God forbid, but Fenella's rampant, pulsating, sexually arousing ego." "No, I think people watch because it's a book programme and they love books." "Books are finished." "Our job is to provide scandal, gossip and character assassination, with a thin veneer of literary respectability." "Oh, so we're not just selling out, then?" "We've sold out?" "Exactly." "For God's sake, smile." "It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?" "What?" "The price of pickles." "Don't even look at the marinated herring." "Honestly, you'd be suicidal." "I didn't want them, anyway." "Thanks." "Um, I also offer support and counselling on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces." "She's gone." " The usual test, Sharon?" " The usual test, Kylie." "One earthling will be chosen randomly, as defined by the Intergalactic Manual of Good and Evil." "Page 56. paragraph B." "Uh, page 56, paragraph D." "Uh, right." "To prove that they understand the difference between good and evil." "How will they prove it?" "They will be given the power that all superior beings have." "The earthling will be capable of doing absolutely anything." "What if he uses his power for evil?" "The Earth will be eliminated." "But if he uses it for good?" "Then we welcome them to the Intergalactic Community." "Are we ready, gentlemen?" "Commencing random selection of earthlings." "Processing..." "Processing..." "Earthling." "Jolly good!" "Wait!" "Selected." "The earthling has ten days to prove he can use absolute power for good rather than for evil." "God." "Fuck you!" "All they want me to do is help them sneer at people who write wonderful books." "Well, my producer just wants me to dig up dirt on Amenhotep III." "I keep telling them he had a kind nature and lovely hands." "I would have loved to spend an evening with Amenhotep III." "Yeah, except he's been dead 4,000 years, Rosie, and he'd spend all day long talking about embalming." "Well, find me a good one that's still breathing." "Tell me about it." "What about Grant?" "Oh, well, Colonel Grant turned out to have issues." " Issues?" " Yeah, like being clinically insane." "Shame." "Maybe that's overstating it." "Uh, just obsessive, possessive and pathologically jealous." "What about him upstairs?" "Oh, he tried to cheer me up in the supermarket." "Oh, so he's gay?" "What?" "Well, he's sympathetic, interested, available." " That's the way life works." " No, he's not gay." "He's... very likeable." "Mr Clarke." "Hi." "This is the twelfth time you've been late this month, Mr Clarke." "Yeah, I got knocked off my bike." "Yesterday you had food poisoning." "Friday you thought it was Saturday." "Monday you forgot to put your clock forward." "Oh, everybody does that." "Week last Wednesday it seems you had an appointment with the Dalai Lama." "Yeah, I showed you the picture." "That had Michael Jackson in it as well." "Well, he's a great man." "Great enough to appear in photographs when he's dead." "You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible, you are idle and you are feckless." "Feckless?" "Yes, you are without feck." "If I could replace you, I would." "Yeah, well, so would I." "I just don't have anybody to replace me with." "You a big skier?" "Well, I've had my moments." "Hello, gorgeous." "How about cocktails for two this evening?" "Go halves?" "Drop dead, Ray." "All right." "Think about it and get back to me." "Knob." " Neil?" " Yeah." "If you could do anything, what would you do?" "Hello, Neil, love." "Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?" "I will have the roast headmaster, please, Mrs B." "You are a one." " There you go." " Thank you." "Uh, I'll have the casserole, please, Mrs B." "You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray." "As long as you don't eat it." "No, I mean, if you could make anything you want happen, what would it be?" "I would make Dennis regurgitate my notes from chapter three." "If you could make something impossible happen." "Intact." "What if you could make someone worship the ground you walked on?" "What, even if she thought you were a little shit?" "Come on, Ray." "That would be taking an unfair advantage of an innocent girl." "OK, but suppose there was one thing you could do that would change your life for the better?" "Oh, that's easy." "I would make alien spaceships destroy 10C." "That sounded like it was in the school." "Out of the way!" "Out of the way!" "Stand back, stand back." "Stand back, stand back." "Now, just stay calm." "Oh, my God!" "Who was that?" "It was the Salubrious Gat of Galaxy G946 WOT." "Gat, what do you think you're doing?" "Just practising, Sharon." "We haven't done the judicial review yet." "We may not want to destroy this species." "Who are you kidding?" "445,349,722 new alien species encountered." "Number granted membership of the Intergalactic Community of Superior Beings?" "Zero." "We have high standards." "You know you're going to wipe them out." "It all depends on the earthling." "And signs of a recovery seem as far away as ever." "Hey." "Hello, Dennis." "Oh, Dennis." "Couldn't you have waited?" "We can now go live to our reporter Brenda Emmanus at the scene of the incident." "It was here at Kinbrook Comprehensive School that an explosion killed 38 pupils." "A police spokesman said they could not rule out a terrorist attack but say there were no connections with reports of a UFO sighting in the area." "The head teacher, Mr Robert..." "Oh, sure, Dennis, it was an alien spaceship." "What are you talking about?" "If I could make an alien spaceship destroy 10C, then I wouldn't be farting around with this, would I?" "I'd just say," ""Dog mess, clean yourself up."" "See?" "It's just shock." "It's just post-hallucination shock." "That's all it is." "I mean, it couldn't have been an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it?" "I mean, it just, I mean, it couldn't have." "Oh, my God." "That's my notes." "Ah, damn it!" "Whisky, go back in the bottle." "See?" "You see?" "There's nothing." "It's nothing." "There was nothing." "It's nothing." "Whisky, go back in the bottle." "Oh, my God." "I have to wave my hand." "Whisky, exchange yourself for another bottle, a single malt." "Hey, come back!" "Door, open quick." "Not that quick." "I didn't mean go back to the shop to get exchanged!" "It's closed." "Oh, shit." " Gotcha!" " Help me, Dennis!" " Priority." " Help me!" "Shh, Dennis, be quiet." "Oh, shit." "All right, laddie." "You're nicked." "Me be at home having dinner with Dennis." "Oh, yuck!" "Chumzy!" "You say one word about this, Constable, you'll be on community relations." "Oh, my God. 10C!" "Uh, let everyone who died be alive again." "Oh, God." "Oh, no." "No, no, no, no." "No, I meant everybody in 10C be alive again!" "Obviously." "Not everyone who's died ever." "Are you crazy?" "Shit." "Shit." "And everybody who died in the bomb blast that is alive again, be completely uninjured." "Oh, shit, shit, shit!" "Uh, OK, me feel better." "Oh, that's better." "Me have a really good idea about what to do next." "Oh, that's a good idea." "Um, let the explosion never have happened." "No, I mean, if you could make anything you wanted happen, what would it be?" "I'm sorry, what?" "If you could do anything, what would you do?" "That's very weird." "I think I just dreamt that I could." "What?" "Do anything." "I dreamt that I could just wave my hand and say such-and-such and it would happen." "So what did you do?" "I made alien spaceships destroy 10C." "Good thinking." "I would make Dorothy Pringle worship the ground I walked on." "You wouldn't be so cruel." "Hello and welcome to Book News, the show where you get to know what books are coming to you and authors get what's coming to them." "What's the truth under publishers' blurbs?" "Why do writers' photographs always show them looking ten years younger?" "You've come to the right place to find out." "Our first guest tonight is Mortimer Stanley, whose latest novel is entitled What You See With Your Eyes Open." "Mortimer, your last novel was published nearly ten years ago." "It got what they call "mixed reviews" and sold fewer than 3,000 copies." "What possessed you to write another one?" "Well, my wife was dying." "You were estranged, weren't you?" "Well, yes, but on her deathbed, she urged me to write another book." "Knowing that she would never have to read it?" "Well..." "Fenella's complaining that you didn't tell her about his shoplifting conviction." "Well, he was 14, James." "It's got nothing to do with his book." "Well, neither has the show, Cath." "Listen, what upsets Fenella about you is your integrity." "But me, I quite like it." "Play your cards right, you could get your own office with a bigger desk and a view." "Um..." "Sorry." "Excuse me one second." "Mind you, you've gotta play your cards right." "What the hell are you doing here?" " Don't I get a kiss?" " Please go away." "That wouldn't be fair to you, Cath." "This is a wonderful opportunity for you to get to know the real me." "Well..." "I'm calling security." "No, not just the charming, high-flying military strategist." "Hello, security?" "Not the inventor of extreme rendition, either." "Yes, I've got an intruder in room 405." "Or the mastermind behind warrantless domestic surveillance." "Just a humble officer who adores you." "OK, Grant, I appreciate that you like me..." "Like?" "Like?" "What do you think, I'm one of these cardboard cut-outs?" "Like?" "No." "No, no, no." "Adulate." "Worship." "OK, well, I don't adulate or worship you." "I don't even really like you." "So that's why I'm asking you to just go away and leave me alone." " So there's some hope?" " No, no, no." "There's no hope." "Cath, I came all the way to England to see you." "Doesn't that show you how much I care about you?" "No, it shows me that you're obsessed." "Obsession's not a quality that I admire." "Really?" "I think the lady wants you to go, Colonel." "You work for the BBC, don't you?" "I do." "You know who ultimately controls the British Broadcasting Corporation?" "A little guy that used to work down the hall from me at Fort Bragg, North Carolina." "And he did it in his spare time." "I'll catch you later, honey." "It was a party." "I was doing a documentary." "I was drunk." "Judging me." "Oh, God." "Let 10C become a model class, kind and considerate." "Oh, and eager to learn." " Good afternoon, 10C." " Good afternoon, Mr Clarke." "Um, could you all turn to page 73, please, and read the entire chapter?" " What, the whole chapter?" " Yes." " Oh, good." " How exciting!" "He's letting us read the whole chapter!" " Great." " Well, you get on with it, then." "Let the headmaster be nice to me for a change." "And what you did with the guitar quite beggars belief." "That is not how Kumbaya goes." "Neil." "So good to see you!" "I love what you're wearing." "It really does, it's just a great ensemble." "So similar to what you were wearing before." "But your laissez-faire attitude to work is a great counterpoint to my by-the-book approach." "Great having you on the staff, Neil." " Thank you." " Right." "Yeah!" "He must love you an awful lot to fly across the Atlantic." "No, he just can't bear losing anything." "As far as Grant's concerned, I'm just a piece of lost property he wants to retrieve and put back on his mantelpiece." "He was really scary." "Crazy." "I had a boyfriend like that once." "The sort who wouldn't take no for an answer." "Did you?" "What happened?" "I married him." "Mr Eriksson, you know the romance languages, French, Italian..." "Yes, Miss Pringle, I teach them." "Well, I was wondering how they got their name?" " It's to do with Rome, ancient Rome." " It's from the Latin." "So it's just a coincidence that they sound so romantic?" "Actually, I'm thinking of switching to economics." "Oh." "He is..." "Let Miss Pringle worship Ray." "Ray." "I can do abso-fucking-lutely anything." "Yeah." "Me be President of the United States." "Hmm." "That's funny." "Me be President of the United States." " Thank God we found you, sir." " Sorry?" "We've been looking for you everywhere." "Oh, my God!" "Help!" "Help!" "Guns!" "They're shooting!" "Move, move, move!" "Move!" "I am sorry about that, Mr President." "Now, here are the briefing papers for Syria, the deficit," "Israel and the Middle East, China, global warming, unemployment and the Arctic Wildlife Reserve." "They're shooting!" "Me be my old self at home!" "I can do anything." "OK, but what do I really want?" "Give me a really big dick." "Ouch!" "Ouch, not that big, obviously!" "Just..." "Dick, return to the old size." "Oh!" "OK, um..." "Let me have a penis that women find exciting." "Yeah, it's good, yeah." "Can I have it in white?" "Right, OK, um..." "Let me have a really great body." "Wow." "No." "Um, no, look, no, look, give me the body of a great man." "What the fuck?" "Not Albert Einstein." "Let me have the great body of a man." "Me be able to see Catherine from downstairs, now." "Shit." "Let me not be able to see her." "No, I don't mean me go blind." "Let me be able to see but floor be as it was." "Uh, Catherine from downstairs, forget what just happened." "Move out of the way." "Thank you." "Quiet, please." "Quietly." " Um." "Ray?" " Hmm?" "You know earlier on we were talking about being able to do anything?" " Oh, yeah." " Yeah, well, um..." "This is going to sound kind of stupid but suddenly I can." " Can what?" " Do anything." "Just make things happen." "Things that shouldn't happen, I just wave my hand and they do." "You feeling OK?" "Yeah, um, just look." "You, tell us who you were." "You'll never believe this but I was a conjuror!" "I went by the name of The Great Alfredo." "Real name was Reg Hoskins." "I did variety, clubs, private parties, the lot." "What is this?" "3D projection or something, right?" "Course, it's all gone now." " I blame the wogs." " Hey!" "All that black minstrel stuff." "Once they started allowing that..." "That's not me, that's what I'm saying." "It's..." "Jews took over the business." "It was never the same again." "Just go and jump out the window." "Right-o." "Watch this." "What..." " How did you do that?" " I don't know." "I could swear it was the skeleton talking." " Yeah, it was." " OK." "Let me see you do another one." "Well, what?" "I can't think of anything." "Oh, come on." "You know, how about some flowers?" "Bunch of flowers in my hand." "It's pathetic." "How about room be covered in flowers?" "Come on, Ray." "Ray." "Think of something more imaginative." "Bloody hell, Palmer." "Did you just throw this out the window?" "Neil." "Did you throw this out the window?" "That's very funny." "What are you doing here?" "Go on, get on home." "I'll cover for you." "Oh, my God." "This is the best sandwich I've ever tasted." "Told you." "You know what?" "We could own a racehorse." "Ray, we could own every racehorse in the world." "No shit." " We win every time?" " They're all ours." "Let's forget about the horses." "We could have anything, Neil." "Wealth, fame." "Women." "We could make any woman fall in love with us." "Neil, any woman we want." "Goodnight, Catherine." "See you later." "Jump in, babe." "Kerb crawling is illegal in this country, Grant." "That doesn't really apply to people with my security clearance." "Besides, how else are you going to get home?" "On the Tube." "Go away." "The London Underground is worse than anything we ever did in Guantanamo." " You don't deserve that." " No, I don't deserve this, either." " Please, leave me alone." " OK, OK, I get it." "But you gotta let me down gently, huh?" "What does that mean?" "Well, there's somebody else, right?" "No, Grant, that's not what this is about." "It's..." "You and I are not compatible." "So, we could grab some coffee, sit and talk." "What would that even achieve?" "There's nothing to talk about." "Except for the luxury apartment I rented for us." "It's got a view of St Paul's Cathedral." "Oh, my God." "Go home, Grant." " Here's the key." " I don't want it." "And when I get you up there, you're going to think you died and went to heaven." " Fuck Grant." " Oh, yeah, fuck Grant." "Fuck Grant." "Fuck James Cleverill." "Fuck all TV producers." "Especially ones that say you can sleep with them." "But if I play my cards right." "Why do I always end up with the control freaks?" " Or gays." " Yeah." " Who?" " Him upstairs." "Oh, honey, he's not gay." "He's attractive." "He's kind." "Well, then, fuck him." " No, he's nice." " No, I don't mean fuck him." "I mean fuck him." " You mean fuck him?" " Yeah." " What, right now?" " No, not now." "You've got to let me do your make-up first." "Malfunction." "Galactic power failure." "Bother, we'll have to suspend the test." " What?" " This is on the blink, Sharon." "The earthling won't have galactic power until I get it working again." "Botheration!" "I thought our galactic powers meant we could do anything?" "Catherine from downstairs, be madly in love with me." "That was quick." " Hi." " Hi." " Um, you're not gay, are you?" " No, no." " Let's go to bed." " OK." "Oh, shit!" "Ow, my leg!" "Got it." "Galactic power now returning to earthling." "Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles." "I didn't mean be like it is in Los Angeles right this moment." "It's the middle of the night, for crying out loud." "Weather, be like it usually is in Los Angeles during the day." "So pedantic." "All right." "Clothes, get dressed on me." "And smarten yourselves up." "Better." "Miss Pringle, this really... has to stop." " Oh, Lord." " Oh, Lord." "Yeah." "Ah." "OK." "That was a very interesting..." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Could you just stop that, please?" "You, stop tapping." "Let's just have a break, shall we?" "Just..." "Right, what's next?" "Ooh." "This one's in German." "Wow." "Let me be able to understand German." "What are you talking about, Dennis?" "Look, just shut up, OK?" "I can handle this." "She's not going to ask me to marry her." "Or have my children, OK?" "Dennis, what are you talking about?" "That's a good idea, actually." "What are you talking about?" "Dennis, be able to talk." "Biscuits." " What?" " Biscuits." "Maybe if I make her fall in love with me like a little bit, you know, so she doesn't want to marry me" " but she would have sex on a regular..." " Biscuits." " For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard." " What are?" "Biscuits." "Red biscuits, black biscuits." " Nothing else matters." " Is that all you think about?" "Yes, yes!" "Biscuits." "All right, Dennis, become a rational, thinking creature." "Look, I just can't concentrate on anything until I've had one of those biscuits." "I know it's crazy but that's how it is." "I guess I'm kind of hooked on them." "So please give me just one biscuit, then I'll be able to think about something else." "That makes sense." "Oh, oh, oh!" "He's getting the biscuits!" "He's getting them!" "This is it!" "Yeah!" "He's got them." "He's got them." "He's going to throw one." "Get ready, get ready." "Here it comes." "Ah!" "Mmm." "Mmm." "God, it must be terrible being a dog." "I never realised you had so many cravings." " It's no worse than you and that bitch." " What bitch?" "The bitch you were shagging last night." "Oh, my God." "She's not a bitch, OK?" "She's a lovely human female." "And we weren't just shagging." "Right." "Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now." "A little leg dance, huh?" "Just above the sock." " Ah..." " How about it?" "Come on, Daddy." "I thought I turned you into a rational, thinking creature." "Rational, thinking creatures still have desires." "Oh, well, we can soon deal with that." "No!" " No, no, don't take my desires away from me." " Why not?" "They're what makes my life worth living." "Biscuits, shagging." "I don't think I like your conversation." "But I worship you, master." "I love you so much." " I can't bear displeasing you." " I..." "I know." " My whole world collapses..." " I know." "Yes." "I love you." "...when you're cross with me." "Look, maybe it was better when you didn't talk." "Oh, no, don't take away my power of speech now that I can think rationally." "That would be so cruel." " I heard the bell." "Somebody at the door." " OK, no..." " The bell!" "Hey!" "The bell!" " No, no." "Dennis." "Dennis, good dog." " Hello, the bell!" " Dennis..." "Dennis." " Hey, hey, somebody." " Just..." "Just quiet." "There it goes again." "Hey, hey, somebody at the door." "Oh, no, have I done something wrong again?" "No, just..." "Just be quiet." "Do you understand me?" "Yes." "Yes, anything to stop you being angry with me." "The bell!" "There it goes again!" "Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "Dennis, listen." "Just listen, listen, listen, listen." "Be quiet." "That is an order." "Right." "Quiet." "I like obeying orders, especially your orders." "Good." "Well, then, shut the fuck up." "Right, right." "Shut the fuck up." "Yeah, right." "Good boy." "Oh, God, I made her do it." "I made her do it..." "I..." "OK." " Hi." " Hey." " Can I come in?" " Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course." " So, look, um, about last night..." " Yes." " Is this a bad time?" " No, no." "No, no." "OK." "Um, I just..." "I don't want you to think that I, um, do that sort of thing all the time because..." "Because I don't." " Um..." "I was slightly drunk." " Yeah, well, I mean, naturally." "Otherwise we probably wouldn't have done the thing with the..." " No, no, no, that's not what I mean." " ...beard trimmer." "I mean, I like you." "I, um, I've always really enjoyed talking to you." "I just..." "I probably wouldn't have jumped on you like that if I hadn't..." " Been pissed as a newt?" " Well, sort of." "Yeah, OK." "Well, then, let's just forget it." "It never..." "It never happened." "No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying, Neil." "Oh, well, um, what did you want, then?" "Shag her, Neil!" "That's Dennis." " Dennis?" " Yeah." "He is a plumber." "Um, I'm having a few problems with my waterworks." "My water pipes." "Shag her, Neil!" "I'd better get him the shagger." "It's a special wrench that plumbers use." "I thought I told you to shut up." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm really sorry, sorry." "You're supposed to be a rational, thinking creature." "Sorry, sorry." "Can't help myself." "Sorry." "Oh, dear." "I wanna shag your leg." "Shh." "It's not a great time, to be honest." "Maybe later, if you behave." "Oh..." "Oh..." "Couldn't..." "Couldn't find the shagger, so he just went with the old decoupler." "I love you, Neil!" "Shut up, Dennis!" "It's odd, isn't it, shouting at the plumber like that?" "But, uh, the fact is he's my brother." "The plumber is my brother." "Say you love me, Neil." "And we're very close." " God, Rosie was right." " Rosie?" "Please can I shag your leg?" "Jesus, Neil, how could you?" "The next morning!" "What?" "I..." " Why do I always end up with creeps?" " I'm not a creep!" "There was a cat, Neil!" "Neil!" "Hey, you, cat!" "Stay out of my garden, go on!" "Neil, it's a ginger tom!" "Dennis, be a dumb animal again for five minutes." "So she thinks I'm gay." "I mean, so what, you know?" "I mean, it means that she won't want to marry me or have my kids." "Bingo." "Problem solved." "Thank you, Dennis." "Catherine!" "Catherine!" "Um, me be on the bus." "Ah!" "I don't mean on the bus." "I mean in the bus." "Not in the engine." "In the passenger accommodation!" "Ow!" "Hey!" "Catherine!" "Catherine!" "Catherine!" "Whoa." " Ray." " You've gotta stop Miss Pringle." "She's..." "She's set up shrines all over the school." "There's even a website." "Look, you wanted her to worship you, OK?" " Not like this." " Ray, I don't have time for this." "Wait, wait, wait." "You haven't lost the powers, have you?" " No, I haven't lost the powers." "Ray." " You have." "You've lost the..." " I haven't lost the powers." " Do the thing." "Ray, become a duck." "Ray." "Ray, stop it." "Ray, stop it." "Ray, stop it." "Ray, become a sausage." " I haven't lost the powers, Ray, OK?" "This is..." " Where is he, Neil?" "Oh." "That's his car." "Oh." "Behold the car of Ray!" " Catherine, can we talk?" " No." "But I love you." "You also love Dennis, apparently." " Did you take that off there?" " Uh, no, this is mine." " Yours?" " Yeah." "Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis." "I've nothing whatsoever against Dennis." "You love him, he loves you." "I'm happy for both of you." "Just don't bring me into it." "Yeah, no, but there's something I need to tell you about Dennis." "You are going to have to pay for that now that you've touched it." " It's mine!" " No, it isn't." "Look, I heard what you said to each other, Neil." "Yeah, look." "There's something crucial about Dennis you don't know." " Hey!" " He's not a man." "I don't want to hear this, Neil." "I know, but I'm just saying, he's not a man." "Ow!" "Ah!" "Hell's tits!" " You pervert!" " Ow!" "You come in here and steal our stuff?" "I told you, that's not your sausage." " It is my sausage." "Give it back." " Get off." "Be careful, be careful." " Just let go!" " Oh, God!" " Give me 80p." " Fine." " I'll just get your change." " No, it's..." "Never mind." "It's..." "Well, no, cos it's £4.20." " Keep it." " It's too much for a tip." " Have it your way." " I should think so, too." "Jesus." "Feck." "Sausage, become Ray." "Jesus, Neil." "Have you any idea how vulnerable a sausage feels?" "There he is!" "I'm off!" " Leave me alone, you nutters!" " Ray!" "Ray!" "Here you go." "You must have been hungry." "It's clear he has no idea of doing any good whatsoever." "Why can't we just get on with the destruction?" "Because there are rules, Maureen." "We must follow galactic procedure." "Rules didn't stop you from eating the inhabitants of G4378, Janet!" "They were delicious." "Very crunchy, as I recall..." " Surprise, surprise!" " Oh, my God!" " No!" " Wait." "Wait, wait." "Catherine!" "You're crazy, do you know that?" "Crazy in love, darlin'." "Get out of my flat, Grant." "Well, I can't because you've locked the door now, babe." "Well, then, get out the way you got in." "Oh, honey, come on, now." "That ain't nice!" "Just get out, Grant." "I never want to see you again!" "Get out of my life!" "Get out!" "Come on, now, open the door." "Sorry." "Sorry about the noise." "At least it wasn't barking." "Feck off." "Not you." " Walk out the front door, OK?" " Honey!" "Then sneak in the back." "Make your way up to my place." "No moves." " No, no, no funny business." " Come on." "Let the love shine through." "You can just stay out of his way" " and I will make you dinner." " Love me!" " I hate doors!" " All right." "But invite Dennis." "We'll behave like grown-ups." " Catherine?" " OK." " Catherine, come back." " I'm leaving!" "OK." "I'm coming!" "Hold on." "Wait for me, now." "She's coming to dinner!" "This episode looks at doggy fantasies." "Whoa." "Hey!" "It was just about to start." "She's coming to dinner." " Who?" " Catherine." "Oh, the bitch." "Don't call her that, all right?" "I don't want you chipping in, either, OK?" "Just pretend to be a dumb animal again." "Me?" "A dumb animal?" "Yeah, well, you know how to pretend, don't you?" "It's just..." "It's called acting." "Oh, you mean like when I'm having my tummy tickled?" " You love having your tummy tickled." " No, I don't." " What?" " It's a sham, Neil." "All dogs do it." " Why?" " Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?" "Because they love having their tummies tickled." "Uh-uh." "Dogs pretend to like it because they know human beings like doing it." "Well, just pretend to be a perfectly ordinary dog, OK?" "Can't I join in the conversation just a little bit?" " No." " That is so cruel." "Somebody at the door!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "It's the bell!" "It's the bell!" "It's the bell!" "It's the bell!" " I know it's the bell, Dennis." " Right." "No, no, sorry." "Just one more peep out of you, OK, and the flea collar is going back on again." "Right, right, right." "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." "Bark." "Woof." "Do it properly." "Yeah, good." "OK, thank you." "Got it." " Hi." " Has he gone?" "No, I don't think so." " Ooh!" " Dennis, down." "You named him after the plumber, then, did you?" "Uh..." "Ah." "Do you want your tummy tickled?" "Why do dogs like that so much?" "I don't know." "So the producer promises to take me out of the general office and give me a big desk with a view, but he won't." "He's just trying to get me into bed." "What did you want to tell me?" "Uh, just try this first." "Mmm." "Oh, that's incredible." "That's the most wonderful thing I've ever tasted in my life." "Mmm." "I had no idea you were such a fantastic cook." "I've..." "I've..." "It's unlike anything I've ever tasted." "What is it?" "I just said, "Let the soup be the most amazing thing Catherine has ever tasted," ""unlike anything she's tasted before."" " And it is." " Really?" "Really." "I can make things happen." "Anything." "That's what I was trying to tell you this morning, you know?" "I wasn't talking to a live-in homosexual plumber." "I was talking to Dennis." " The dog?" " Dennis the dog." " Who answered you back?" " Yeah, because I made him talk." " Oh." " With my powers." "Special powers?" "I mean, what, you..." "You want a bigger desk?" "You got it." "You want a great view?" "You got it." "Um..." "Neil, how long have you had these special powers?" "Well, they came upon me very suddenly." " Very suddenly?" " Yeah, I was knocked off my bike." "Just ask me to do something, anything." " Just, you know..." " Listen, Neil, it's..." "It's OK." "You can get help with this." "Son of a bitch!" "Oh!" "Shit, Grant!" "I'm out of here!" " There's nobody else, huh?" " Who is this guy?" "She didn't tell you?" "I'm her fiancé." " You're not my fiancé, Grant." " Oh, yeah?" "And you weren't just making out with this apology of a man?" "Stop this." "You know how long you'd last on a battlefield, soldier?" "I'm sorry, Neil." " That long." " I'm warning you." " You're warning me?" " Yeah, I'm warning you." "Who is this guy?" " Why don't you suck on this, asshole?" " Grant!" "All I have to do is go like this and..." "And say what?" " Where did you find this fruitcake?" " Put that away, Grant." "Uh, what can I say?" "Grant, become a fairy?" " It's Grant, not..." " ..." "Grant." " Stop it." " And you're the goddamn fairy." "How about Grant go back to where you came from?" " It's Grant." " How about kiss my arse, Grant?" "Neil, don't." "He's crazy." "How about you say, "Please, Grant, don't put a bullet through my brain?"" " Grant, stop it!" " I prefer, "Let all bullets bounce off me."" " Go on, shoot me." " Oh, my God." "You're both crazy." " He doesn't dare." " Neil, please, please." "Go on, pull the trigger." "What's the matter, "Grant"?" " Shut up." " Go on, shoot me." " Neil, he will." " No, he won't." " Yes, I will." " No, you won't." "Grant, drop the gun." "You little shit!" "You're idiots, both of you." "I wouldn't do this if I were you." ""I wouldn't do this if I were you."" "God, I hate the English." "Let Grant's arm break if he tries to throttle me." "Shut up." "It's Grant!" "Oh!" "Help!" "Help!" "Help!" "Who the heck was that?" "Uh, that's Dennis." "Ow." "It's just a dog!" "English dick." " Ow!" "Ow..." "Shit!" "Shit!" "What happened?" " Yeah, yeah." " Do you want me to make it better?" " It hurts." "Grant's arm be better." "Hey." "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey, what is this?" "Grant be stuck on the ceiling." "Oh, shit!" "Grant be plastered to the wall." "Wait, wait, wait." "Let's talk about this." "Grant be buried head first in the plant pot." "What do you mean, potted plant?" "Grant be standing in front of me." "Yeah." "You wanna be nice to me, Grant, OK?" "Maybe I can help you." " You?" " I could make your life absolutely hell or I could say, "Grant be holding a million dollars."" "Oh, yeah!" "Or I could say, "A million dollars, disappear."" "Fuck!" "Come on!" "I can do anything." "All I have to do is wave my hand." " You gotta wave your hand?" " That's right." "Isn't he great?" "I love you." "I love you so much." " Dennis, keep out of this." " But you are great, Neil." " You can do anything." " Dennis, shut up." "I'm not..." "Master!" "Neil!" " Hi." "Made your mind up yet?" " How about tonight?" "Good girl. 8:00, my place." "Yeah." "I always pick the wrong guy, anyway." "Oh, and, uh, I got you a new desk." "Hey!" "Well, it's about time." "Now, listen up." "When I take that gag out of your mouth, you're going to say exactly what's on that piece of paper, you understand?" "The moment you say a word that is not on that piece of paper, I kill the dog." "Don't let him shoot me, Neil." "Understand?" "Nod if you understand." "OK." "OK." "I'm going to take the gag out now." "Remember, one wrong word and the dog gets it." "OK, read." "Item number one, let's go." "Come on." ""Item number one." "All pasty white Englishmen..." ""Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears and webbed feet?"" " Now wave your hand." " What?" "Wave your hand!" "Oh!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, it's beautiful." "Neil!" "Neil!" "Neil?" "Neil?" "Oh!" "You don't worship me, do you?" "What?" "Ray." "You're Ray." " I can't find Neil." " Isn't he here?" "He wasn't at school, either." "Oh, I left him with my crazy, gun-toting ex-boyfriend." " Neil's got these powers." " No, I know, I know." "Oh." "He got Miss Pringle to..." "To worship me and now she's turned me into a religion." " They think I'm immortal." " So what?" "They want me to prove it by rising from the dead." "We've got to find Neil." "Wait." "Hey!" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "No..." "Got it." " Where's your car?" " Why?" "I know where they are." "It's just out here." "We can..." "Shit!" "Lord." "Oh, no." "Run for it!" "Get him!" "Lord!" "Yeah!" "This is working beautifully." "OK, keep going." "Number three." "Let's go." "OK. "Three." "All British police to have pink uniforms."" "My personal favourite." "Ray!" "Lord!" "Come to us!" "Ray!" "Ray!" "What's this all about?" "Oi!" "Take that off!" "There he is!" "Oh!" "Oh..." "Oh, it's beautiful." "I can't believe it." "All right, next one." "Come on, read." ""Let all traffic lights be permanently set on green."" "Come on." "That's just..." "Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Hey." "Huh?" "Do it, do it." "Wait." "Now, listen." "All right." "Grant, are you in there?" "Skip to the end." "Hurry up." "Just skip to the end!" "Skip to the end." "Just..." "There." "Come on, quick." "Read it." "Uh, uh..." "OK, OK, "Item 417, Catherine West..."" " Come on." " All right." "Let them go, Grant." "Why should I?" "Go on, Neil." "Read the last item." ""Item 417, Catherine West be madly, deeply in love with Colonel Grant Kotchev" ""and leap on him like a tigress begging for sex."" " You bastard." " Now, come on, now." "Wave your hand." "Come on." " Neil, don't!" " Or the dog gets it!" "Don't let him shoot me, Neil." "Come on, wave your goddamn hand!" "But I don't want to love him, Neil." "I don't want to go anywhere near him." "I don't wanna die." "Yeah." "Grant, I love you." "Please, please, let's have sex now." "Oh, yeah." "Dennis, be free." "I'm free!" "I'm free!" "Please." "Uh, uh," " Grant become a corgi!" " What?" "Oh, shit." "Do it." "Do it, Grant." "Do it, do it!" "Me be free." "Yes, yes!" "Master." " Yeah." " You chose to save me rather than that bitch." "Yeah, don't call her that." "Catherine be her normal self and not in love with Grant." "Ugh!" "And all Grant's wishes be cancelled." " Ray!" " Oh, shit." "Oh, no." "Get off me!" "Neil, stop them!" "Lord, show us how to conquer death!" "Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray the way that you used to." " What the hell, Ray?" " It was nothing to do with me." "Get lost, you creep!" " Thank you." " Everyone else, forget about Ray." "Thanks, Neil." "Thanks a whole bunch." "Ray, could you take me home, please?" "Sure." "I'm..." "I'm sorry..." "Any thoughts?" " Pathetic!" " He has no concept of good or evil." "Well, the dogs seem all right." "Yes, yes, the dogs are all right." "It's the people I can't stand." "Oh, hey." "Catherine, hi." "Hey, sorry about the other night." "It was..." "Can I cook you supper?" " Uh, no, thanks, Neil." " I'm doing a whole suckling pig." " No." " Hey, what's the matter?" "Is it because I made you throw yourself at Grant?" "No." "Look, you did what you had to do." "It worked." "Forgotten." "Well, what is it, then?" "Do you know what it feels like to be in someone else's power?" "To have no will of your own?" "Look, I thought that I made you love me." " What?" " You know, with my powers." "Oh, my God." "Did I really come home early tonight because I wanted to or did you make me?" "Have I always lived opposite you or have you somehow rearranged things?" " I'm never going to know." " Look, I love you." "How could any woman love a man who could make her do whatever he wants, any second, every day, forever?" "Look, I'm sorry, Neil, I could never love you, not in a million years." "Oh!" "Catherine..." "Sharon, Sharon, terrible news!" "This is indeed grave news." "It appears that the Salubrious Gat has been interfering with our translation devices." "What's he done, Sharon?" "I'm afraid, Janet, that we have been calling ourselves by foolish-sounding earthling names." "Female ones, at that." "It seems that Sharon is particularly favoured among female earthlings from Australia." "The shame of it." "Sharon..." "I mean, what should we be calling you?" "Call me the Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer." "Yes, oh, Death-Dealer." "Great waffles, master." "Who cares about waffles?" "Catherine hates me." "Ray hates me." "Everybody hates me." "I don't hate you and I care about waffles." "I think I like them even more than biscuits, even red biscuits." "You know what the worse thing is, Dennis?" "This is all my fault." "Mmm-hmm?" "You know, I was just thinking about myself, what I could get." " Hmm." " And yet with these powers, you know," "I could have solved every problem in the world." " I could have made people happy." " You couldn't make Catherine happy." "Yeah, because I wanted her to love me." "You know, I was being selfish." "I mean, take world hunger, you know?" "Uh..." "Let everybody in the world have as much food as they want." "I mean, take homelessness." "Let everybody in the world have somewhere to live." "No, no, no, live in their dream house." "And war, senseless war, over forever." "Let there be no reason for anyone to make war on anyone any more." "Yay!" "Oh, and reverse global warming." "Has it happened?" "The latest nation to succumb to the sudden mysterious exponential growth in world food supplies is China, where the average weight is now 300 pounds and rising." "Well, today a party of picnicking schoolchildren brought down a mile-long section of the Great Wall of China." "As homelessness becomes a thing of the past, the last undeveloped area of the Sahara Desert has become a gated community known as Beau Geste Towers." "Property developers are now converging on Antarctica." " Well, I mean, at least I got rid of war." " Whoa, that was a good one." ""Let there be no reason to make war..."" " "To make war on anyone any more." - "...on anyone any more."" "How could that go wrong?" "For no reason at all, New Zealand has declared war on Iceland." "Oh, wow." "Oh, dear." "Barbados has declared war on Somalia." "And in a surprise move, the tiny island of St Kitts and Nevis has declared war on the entire rest of the world." "Our war correspondent says he is unavailable for comment because he's too busy covering all the other wars which have just broken out for no reason at all." "A short time ago, scientists were afraid of constantly rising global temperatures." " But none of them have any explanation..." " Oh, my God." " ...for this sudden return..." " Global warming." "...not only to the last ice age but to a snowball Earth of half a billion years ago." "On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic into the Captain Scott gated community" " have been put on hold..." " Shit!" " Shit, shit, shit!" " Oh, it's not so easy trying to do good, is it?" "Yeah, but this is just unfair." "Let everything go back to how it was before I started trying to make everything better for everybody." "Beautiful though the Earth looks from space, we all know how fragile it is, how much damage human beings have done to it and will, it seems, continue to do to it." "Absolute power doesn't corrupt." "It just drives you bloody mad." " Tell Catherine I love her." " Don't do it, master." "I love you!" "I've made arrangements for your biscuits." "You'll never have to worry about them again." "You're the kindest master." "Just shush, OK?" "I can't concentrate." " Master, don't you love me?" " I can't stand it, Dennis." "I just..." "I can't stand the responsibility." "You need to get that into your stupid dog brain." "Neil!" "I'll save you, master." "Here I come!" "Oh, wait a second." "I can't swim." "Master, help!" "Woof!" "Help!" "Help!" "Oh, dear." "Woof!" "Woof!" "Oh, there you are." "Thank you, master." "Bless you!" "You do love me, master." "Of course I love you, Dennis." "I just don't love myself." "Time's up!" "Prime the Destruction Generator." " Hang on." " What?" "We need to check if he's passed the test." " Well, he did start all those wars." " That was good." " But then he stopped them all." " But why?" "He said he was trying to make things better for people." "That's very appalling." "The only good is to destroy." "The only evil is weakness." "Weakness must be annihilated!" "Agreed." "Vaporise the earthling and his wretched planet." "I told you so." "Reprime the Destruction Generator." "Try her again, Neil." "Go on." " She..." "She won't have me." " Then, give up the powers." " I can't." " Then, give them to me." "You wouldn't have the powers but you'd know where they were." "And being a dog, all I want to do is follow orders." "I'll do what you tell me to." " Dennis, you're a genius." " Not bad, huh?" "Destruction Generator already charged, Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer." "Commencing destruction." "It is a curse that our numerals take so long to pronounce." "Uh, yeah, it's like, uh, you just wave your hand, like that." "I feel it." "Wow!" "Yeah." "There you go." "So what's it going to be?" "Biscuits?" "But the power made you miserable." "Yeah, but I don't have them any more, do I?" "Look, tree become Eiffel Tower." "See?" "What are you thinking, Dennis?" "Forgive me, master." "What?" "Wait, wait." "What are you going to do?" "That's the only short one." "If I have any power, let the source of that power be destroyed, forever!" "All this marking be suddenly finished and neatly stacked up." "Fiona Blackwell, go away." "Oh, shh, shh." "Shush, shush, shush." "Fiona!" "How lovely to see you." "Hey, great news." "I got my sight back." "Hey, I think I hear Catherine." " Catherine." " Hi." "Hey." "Um, look." "Letters become cucumbers." "Us be on the prow of the Titanic." "I got rid of the powers." "I'm impressed." "Yeah." "So I thought maybe we could have some dinner sometime?" " Yeah, maybe, yeah." " OK." " How about tonight?" " I'll be down in half an hour." "We're going out to dinner." "I'll bring you both back a doggy bag." " I suppose I'd better keep my mouth shut." " Turn me back, Den." "I can't." "I like you as you are." "Those stubby legs." "Look at you." " I'm not a dog, I'm a man." " Hey, nobody's perfect." "This is chewing a biscuit, boss." "I'll try and give you that right now, hold one second." "Oh, red biscuit." "Great." "No!" "No!" "Oh, got it." "Licking." "Licking somebody." "This is like porn." "Now a shagging noise." "Oh, look." "There's the red bit." "Oh, there, oh, right, oh..." "I'm done." "OK, great." "That's enough chewing biscuits for fucking half an hour."