"Hello?" "Mother?" "I can barely hear you." "I'm so sorry." "We're having frightful problems with our phone." "I've no idea when it'll be fixed." "But I'll call you the second it is." "I said, I can't hear you!" "Oh." "Violet." "Hello." "No, of course I can hear you." "Yes." "Come right over." "Yes, Violet?" "What is it?" "Mother!" "I said, the phone is broken!" "Christ!" "Every morning I wake up to some new abomination with my body." "All my toes are now sticking out in different directions." "It's like someone yelled 'Fire!" "' in a crowded theatre." "Yes, your back was cracking so much last night, I thought you were making popcorn in bed." "That's because I have to contort myself into ridiculous positions to get as far away from you as possible!" "Oh!" "Believe me, I don't want you anywhere near me either." "It takes all my willpower every night not to roll you onto the floor." "My entire body is creaking." "I sound like a haunted house." "When did this happen to us?" "Us?" "!" "I feel perfectly spry." "I've never felt younger." "In fact, I was thinking of going running today." "Good." "Just so long as you keep going in the one direction!" "At least I still have my looks." "You haven't held onto them nearly as well as I have." "But, of course, everybody knows that." "Bollocks!" "You look like a rotting pumpkin!" "How could anyone find you more attractive than me?" "I don't know." "But they do." "Hello, Violet." "Vi?" "Who's better looking?" "Stuart or me?" "Just tell the truth." "Nobody's going to be mad at you." "Well, I don't know." "You're both so handsome." "Yes." "But if someone put a gun to your head and you had to pick?" "Who would it be?" "Is someone going to put a gun to my head?" "Just pick, Violet." "I'd rather not." "She's afraid to say." "It's clear that it's me." "Half your face is in your lap." "It can't be you." "Just pick one of us." "This is making my stomach very upset." "Oh!" "Never mind." "Thank you." "You know..." "I was coming here to share some good news." "But sometimes, I get the feeling... you don't even care what's going on in my life." "Vi!" "You know that's not true." "Of course we care." "What's the good news?" "You really want to know?" "Don't make us drag it out of you, dear." "Tell us or don't." "We only care so much." "I'm in love." "That's marvellous." "Yes." "We can't wait to meet him." "Neither can I." "You've not met him yet?" "Only online." "But we've been e-mailing for weeks." "And now I'm finally ready to go to Argentina." "He lives in Argentina?" "!" "That's why I've been learning Spanish." "And hopefully, he's been learning English." "Do you recall when you asked us why you've had 500 failed relationships?" "It's because of this crap!" "I don't understand, Violet." "You're always travelling the globe to meet these strange men." "Why can't you ever find anybody at home to mistreat you?" "Believe me, I've tried." "Just promise you're not going to judge me." "All right." "I promise." "I'm going to, though." "Ah, Ash!" "Is this an OK time?" "Of course." "Come in." "You remember our friend Violet?" "Hi." "Just so you know, Ash, I'm no longer available." "I have a lover." "You have an e-male!" "Hello, Ash." "What can we do for you?" " I just got a new job." " Oh!" "Handing out flyers at a nightclub." "And I wanted to invite you guys." "A club?" "!" "Oh, I don't think so." "The last time I went clubbing," "Grace Jones punched me for stepping on her pet snake." "Why don't you ask us again in a few months, when we've had proper time to prepare ourselves?" "Yeah." "The thing is, I get paid by the head." "He gets paid to give head?" "He gets paid for the amount of people he brings into the club." "Ah." "Less interesting." "You'd be helping me tons." "Well, if it would help you, we'll go." "Great." "Besides..." "I used to get my fair share of attention." "Turned a few heads." "And stomachs!" "I can't go, Ash." "Because I'll be with Ignacio in Argentina." "Please stop looking so jealous." "Well, perhaps you should be going now, dear." "We have to start planning our outfits." "So... bon voyage." "Oh, all right." "Good luck, Violet." "I'll call." "I'm going to miss you both very " "Oh, this is lovely!" "Why are we here again?" "We're going out to a club." "Oh, of course." "This isn't the club, though." "No, dear, it's not." "This is going to be such fun!" "When was the last time we all went out?" "I can't remember, because I still don't have a drink!" "We almost didn't invite you, Mason." "But I said, 'Oh, let's, do.'" "'He's got no-one.'" "I'm so excited." "Thanks for including me." "You're welcome, Penelope." "Is the music a bit too loud?" "We're not there yet, dear." "Of course we're not." "Hello, everyone." "Is this too much or not enough?" "I think we're going to need another option." "Something with the word hideous in it!" "Well, don't you look smart?" "I see you're wearing an extra chin for the occasion." "I'm not sure that's quite the style any more, Freddie." "And I'm not sure why you're here." "Do I look all right?" "Not really." "Hey." "Hello, Ash." "We're all ready." "These are proper club clothes, are they not, Ash?" "I think you look... kind of..." "Yeah." "Thank you." "All of you look..." "Yeah." "Wonderful!" "Well, shall we go?" "Yes." "It's so exciting." "Oh!" "What?" "Last time I wore this, a young man gave me his telephone number." "Oh." "Maybe I should give him a call." "You realise he'll be at least 60 by now?" "Oh, shit!" "Right." "I'll just get you guys a table, then I've got to get to work." "What is it you do here?" "I stand out front in a tight T-shirt and beg people to come in." "It's not something just anybody can do." "Are you sure?" "Look." "There's somebody older than us." "It's a mirror." "Bollocks!" "Right." "I've got to get to work." "I've got a good spot out front." "I need to get there before the crack corps take it over." "What kind of a club is it, anyway?" "I see boys and girls and boys and boys." "And girls and girls." "I have no idea." "Ever since they came out with lesbians who aren't plain and misshapen, I've been confused." "Well, I don't care for how higgledy-piggledy it all is now." "Although, it is lovely they don't herd us into police vans and throw us into prison any more." "Look, Stuart." "That young woman is heading your way." "Oh!" "Well, it's nice after all these years to see that I still have it." "Hi." "I'm Emma." "What's your name?" "He only likes dick." "Penelope!" "You'll have to excuse her." "She's insane." "I'm Stuart." "Hi, Stuart." "Can I ask you a question?" "Of course." "I think your friend is really hot." "Can you introduce me?" "You needn't ask him, my dear." "My name is Freddie." "And it's a pleasure to meet you." "I meant the other friend." "Not this thing?" "!" "Oh, that's right, I forgot." "I'm sitting next to George Clooney." "What an honour!" "I think she was talking about Ash." "It's really bloody cold out there." "And raining." "Yeah." "How did you know?" "Ash?" "This is Emma." "Hi." "Hey." "Perhaps you can both settle on a date to get to know each other better." "Or now will be fine." "I can't believe this." "Nobody's even looking at us." "I know." "It's like we're both invisible." "Well, at least we've got each other." "Let's just stick together the whole evening." "Do you wanna get a drink?" "God, yes!" "Well... it looks like just one of you is invisible." "When did you change the furniture in this room?" "I love it." "Please get her out of here." "Morning!" "You left early last night." "I only noticed because someone said, 'Look" " Grandpa's leaving.'" "Oh, yes." "Thank you for that!" "Good morning, Balthazar." "Oh, look." "His one eye is open." "Well, I hope he's not using it to look at me, considering I'm so monstrous." "Stuart, let me tell you something that will make you feel a lot better." "You were always unattractive." "I don't understand." "I've always been the beautiful one." "People used to think I was a girl till I was 16." "Well, I had a wonderful time." "Good to get out." "You know." "Got to meet lots of Ash's mates, too." "I'll go." "Oh, and they even played a song by Cher." "Did you know that she's still alive?" "Hello, Ash." "It's Ash!" "Wicked time last night." "My mates thought you were wild." "Oh, Rob and Tom - good lads." "Polite, considerate, well-mannered." "Rob feels really bad about puking on you." "Oh, that's all right." "It mostly went on Tom." "Do you want to come again tonight?" "Oh." "If I hand out 1,000 flyers, I get two people in free before 10PM." "Well, it sounds like they really like you there." "I even get to work inside tonight." "So, yeah." "I'm kind of a big fish on the club scene." "Shall we ask Stuart if he wants to come too?" "Oh." "Er..." "I don't know." "He really changes the whole atmosphere when he's with us." "We all click so well together." "We should probably keep it to our little group." "Hello, Ash." "You left early last night?" "Did you have a good time?" "Do you mean, did I enjoy blending in with the wallpaper?" "No, I did not." "See?" "I told you." "We don't want to be around that." "What are you whispering about?" "I was just seeing if you guys wanted to come again tonight." "I thought we decided we weren't going to ask him." "No!" "Thank you." "Oh." "Are you sure you don't want to come?" "Well, all right." "We'll miss you." "Ash, please." "Come and help me pick out something appropriate for this evening." "People still wear feather boas, don't they?" "OK." "I've got to get to work." "I'm really busy, so you probably won't see me all night." "Hip-hop Thursdays?" "Hip-hop Thursdays." "So..." "Nobody wants to sit?" "Nobody's feet are tired?" "Mine aren't." "I just wanted to make sure you were both OK." "I'm so wasted." "Me, too." "I went to Brian's for a pre-lash." "Oh, I didn't do my lashes tonight." "But I did put on eyeliner." "Hey, do you guys wanna do Jagerbombs?" "Whoa!" "Hey." "Listen, Rob." "I..." "I know what that is." "But I feel like Tom probably doesn't." "Maybe you should just explain it to him." "I know what Jagerbombs are." "Why?" "Don't you?" "What?" "Of course I do." "No, I'd love to smoke one." "You're hilarious." "Oi, go get us a couple." "I don't have any money." "Oh, me neither." "Hey, why don't we find some old bloke to buy them for us?" "Right, yes." "And I want change." "Did you just yawn?" "Nope." "I thought you did." "Freddie, I really need to go to the toilet." "Would you hold these?" "Well, hurry up." "I don't want anybody to think" " Can I have a flyer?" "Well, actually, I'm not..." "All right." "Yes." "Hip-hop Thursdays." "Hip-hop Thursday." "Hip-hop Thursdays." "Would you like anything with your tea, Penelope?" "Ooh." "Ooh, a biscuit would be lovely." "We've run out." "Maybe a little cake, then?" "Or a scone?" "No, we don't have either of those." "Piece of fruit?" "Apple?" "Sorry." "Toast?" "No, I'm fine with just the tea." "Well, you'll let me know if you want anything else." "Well, it's only my company you'll be enjoying tonight." "Oh, is he out?" "Yes." "Went clubbing again with Ash." "Honestly." "The whole thing is so preposterous." "One person buys him a drink and suddenly he's Paris Hilton." "You seem a bit upset." "I'm not upset." "I'm fine." "So what if nobody noticed me?" "Oh!" "What's wrong, sweetheart?" "You can talk to me." "Really?" "Why not?" "It's just..." "It's not fair!" "I've always been the better-looking one." "He's had his career and I've had my looks." "And if I've lost them, I'm not sure I know who I am any more." "Suddenly, I just feel so old." "Oh, don't say that." "But it's true." "What is the point of even going out, of doing anything?" "I've never told you this." "But when I lost my husband 25 years ago," "I thought I'd lost myself too." "I didn't know who I was without him." "You see, I'd never been alone before." "I never knew that." "But I kept living." "And I found out I liked who I was." "And I know who you are." "You were never just your looks." "You were always so much more." "A bright, intelligent man, who people were drawn to because of who you were inside." "I look at you... and I still see a vibrant..." "beautiful man." "I always will." "Oh, Penelope!" "You're actually making sense." "So, go out." "Enjoy yourself." "Live!" "Do you know what?" "I will!" "I'm going out right now!" "Oh, splendid." "Oh!" "I feel so much better." "I don't know what to say." "I meant every word of it, Freddie." "I'm Stuart!" "Oh..." "Thank you for a lovely time." "Where do you wanna go next?" "Er, dunno." "Where do you wanna go next, Freddie?" "Next?" "You mean after this?" "Leave this location and then go to another location?" "Tonight?" "There's a squat party in Shoreditch." "Let's get shit-faced, yeah?" "I don't know what any of that means." "Are you coming?" "Well, er..." "Maybe I'll er... meet you later." "Yes." "I'm just going to put my head down on the table for a few minutes." "Is this seat taken?" "Stuart?" "What are you doing here?" "Well, Penelope told me that I was a wonderful person." "And that I had to embrace who I was and go out and live life." "Penelope told you that?" "No." "Actually, she told YOU that." "But the point is, she was right." "So what if I'm getting older... and I am no longer as attractive as I was?" "I'm not going to let that stop me from doing anything." "I was just thinking I want to sit at home until we die." "Oh!" "Why don't we stay here for a few more minutes?" "I quite like the music." "This is Kasha." "I don't know how I know that." "Stuart?" "Yeah?" "You look very handsome tonight." "Oh!" "Thank you." "Would you like to dance?" "I thought you'd never ask." "Stuart!" "Oh, Ash." "Hello." "You made it." "Yes." "This is..." "Sarah." "Oh, nice to meet you, Sa" "Oh, all right, then." "Erm..." "There we go." "You do that over there." "Oh, this is fun!" "All right." "Ready?" "Oh, yes." "Shall we go to bed?" "Yes." "Oh, wait a minute." "We've got a message." ""Hello, boys." "It's Violet."" ""I got to Argentina all right, but I'm having a bit of a problem here."" ""I really do need to talk to one of you immediately."" ""So could you please give me a call as soon as possible... at 0-0-5-4-7-7-0-0-9-0" "B-B-0-J-5-1-Q."" ""Please call the second you get this."" ""It's urgent."" ""Coming, Ignacio."" "We'll call in the morning, then." "Yes." "I'm sure she's fine." "Well, it was nice they offered you a job handing out flyers." "That was very flattering, yes."