"The Carmichael Show is recorded in front of a live studio audience." "I'm just sayin', every time we landed on the moon was under the Nixon administration." "It's been over 45 years and still no other country has gone?" "None of that sounds suspicious to y'all?" "Why would America manipulate us like that?" "You know, I'm not liking the picture you're painting of this country." "Yeah, even if we did fake the moon landing, that just makes me love America more." "You know, lying about landing on the moon is so American." "But actually doing the work and going there, that's kind of Japanese, when you think about it." " Hey, y'all." " Bobby, no!" "You are not at a point in your life where you get to wear sunglasses inside." "You got to accomplish something first." "Leave Bobby alone." "He's working on his identity." "Who do you think you are, son, Jack Nicholson?" "Jack Nicholson has talent and class." "Look at this boy." "He think he Jack Nicholson." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "But you're not gonna be laughing when I tell you the reason why I'm wearing these sunglasses." "Why?" "What happened?" " Is everything okay?" " No." "Look, things got a little crazy at home and..." "Nekeisha hit me." "Oh, Bobby!" "Are you okay?" "Joe, why are you laughing?" "He just said he got hit by a girl." "That's not funny to y'all?" "No, it's not funny." "It's domestic abuse." "Oh, yeah, you right." "We should... we should send Bobby to a battered men's shelter!" "Joe, domestic violence is real." "It's also hard to prove." "That's why we gonna have to put more bruises on you, Bobby, if we want these charges to stick." "Jerrod, put a couple of oranges in a sock." "Mom, we are not gonna jump Bobby." "It's the only way." "Sometimes you have to lie in order for the truth to come out." "Bobby, what happened?" "Why did Nekeisha hit you?" "Nekeisha's been drinking a lot lately, so I confronted her about it and told her to cut back." "Then, um, she punched me in the face." "Oh, my poor baby." "Nekeisha's out of control." "You know something?" "From now on, you are not leaving this house without my rape whistle." "Maybe we should talk to her." "No, you don't talk to a addict..." "you yell at a addict." "That's the only way you can cut through the alcohol-fueled screams in their head." "You know what we could do?" "We could throw her, uh, an intervention prevention intervention." "Dad, what the hell is that?" "An intervention prevention intervention." "That's like a pre-intervention." "It prevents us from having to throw a real intervention." "See, you got to attack these things early." "Because, most times, when people finally get to a real intervention," " it's usually too late then." " No." "No, no, no, Dad, uh, uh, quit trying to coin terms, okay?" "An intervention prevention intervention is not a thing, and it will never be a thing." "An I.P.I. that's what we call it for short." "Uh-oh, Bobby, Nekeisha is pulling up outside." "Okay, look, nobody say anything." "I don't want her to think I'm snitching on her." "No, I'm all riled up." "This girl needs a good screaming at." "Nothing restores a man's self-esteem more than when his mom fights his battles for him." "No one's attacking her, and no one's gonna throw her any sort of prevention..." "Intervention prevention intervention." "Okay, um, we're just gonna tell her that we love her, and that we're worried about her drinking becoming a problem." "And that if she's gonna hit Bobby, stick to body blows so we won't have to deal with him wearing sunglasses inside." "Hey, y'all." "You bruised my baby's face, you alcoholic monster!" "Bobby, you've snitched?" "You snitch-ass ho." "Now, Nekeisha, you have a problem, and we gonna fix it." "So sit in the center of the room, and we gonna go around in a circle and judge you so harshly that you gonna feel ashamed and broken, and you gonna change your alcoholic ways, and you'll thank us for saving your life." "Okay, I'll go first." "Nekeisha, you are drinking too much, and your hair and nails perpetuate a stereotype of low-income black women that I personally am offended by." "Look, Nekeisha, we just really want to know if you're okay, 'cause you're drinking, and you're hitting Bobby." "I wasn't drunk when I hit Bobby." "If I was drunk, I would have been relaxed, and none of this would have happened in the first place." "Wait, you weren't drunk?" "Bobby, I thought you said she'd been drinking too much." "No, no, no, I said she'd been drinking a lot lately." "And that's why I poured out all her liquor." " What they tellin' just happened?" " That changes everything." "Why would you do something like that?" "Bobby... you poured her alcohol out?" "You lucky she didn't bite part of your ear off." "Thank you, Joe." "I came home from work, and he poured out two of my brand-new bottles of Moet." "Bobby, you know you were not raised to be wasteful like that." "Nekeisha, I am so sorry." "Had I known, I never would have said all those things about you out loud." "Bobby, what'd you think was gonna happen?" "Wait, hold on a second, don't blame Bobby for caring enough about Nekeisha to try and step up and do something." "I don't know, Maxine, the votes are in." "I was wrong for pouring out Nekeisha's alcohol." "Nekeisha, I'm sorry, okay?" "I will buy you two new bottles of Moet when I get paid... we good?" "Yeah, we good." "I probably went too far when I punched you in the eye." "All right, hug and make up, go on." "Oh, that's nice." "I'm so glad we could fix our problems together as a family." "It's like a episode of Black-ish." "You know, I do feel a lot better." "Thanks, everybody, for pulling me through this mess." "What is happening?" "The problem wasn't wasted alcohol." "The problem was Nekeisha drinking to excess." "Nekeisha, how much have you been drinking?" "Uh, well, usually I drink on Fridays, but then Thursday turned into the new Friday." "Then Wednesday turned into the new Thursday." "Shoot, I drink every night." "Okay, well the healthy guidelines say no more than two drinks a night for a woman and three for a man." "Well, that's just sexist." "See, that's what women need to be marching about, right there." "We need to be marching about that!" "That's right." "I mean, if she can hit like a man, then, dammit, she should be able to drink like one." "Nekeisha, I'm not accusing you of being an alcoholic, but is alcohol causing any problems in your life?" "Like, are you drinking and driving, or missing work?" "No, I'm on top of my game." "I just got a promotion last week." "The TSA promoted you, Nekeisha?" "Oh..." "That's wonderful news." "Yep, you looking at the new head of female pat-downs in terminal "B"" "during red-eye hours." "I know you've been dreaming of getting this female pat-down promotion for years." "God is good." "All the time." "Well, this calls for a celebration." "I believe we got a bottle of champagne in the kitchen." " I'm gonna go get it." " Well, Joe, stop." "I can't believe I have to say this." "You can't serve alcohol at an intervention." "Well, that may be, but right now, we in the middle of an I.P.I.C." "An intervention prevention intervention celebration." "It doesn't sound like Nekeisha has a problem, really." "I mean, it's not like she killed a family of four in some horrible drunk-driving accident." "Another thing to celebrate." "I'm gonna go pop that bubbly." "No, no." "Just because Nekeisha's functioning doesn't mean that her alcohol use is healthy." "Now, let's talk about why you've been drinking more." "Has there been anything stressful in your personal life lately?" "Nothing too much." "I mean, my sister did just go back to jail, and now I'm taking care of my little nephew, who was living with my mama." "But then she started doing drugs again, so, you know, it's just regular-life stuff." "Nekeisha, I'm so sorry." "Was this the mom I met at the wedding?" "No, that was my auntie, who was taking care of me for, like, a year when my foster-mom had died, just before my grandmother had stepped in." "Oh, so we're talking about the second foster-mom." "No, she's also dead." "We're talking about my actual mom." "Oh, yeah, I think I met her." " You haven't." " Oh, okay." "Nekeisha, why didn't you tell me your ma was back on drugs again?" "You know you can talk to me about those things." "I don't want to burden anybody with my problems." "I've been through this all before..." "I can handle it." "That's why I just have a couple of drinks to help deal with it." "Nekeisha, you are the definition of a hero." "Somebody who shoulders all her pain on her own and doesn't ask me for help getting through it." "It just warms my heart that you have such a good system in place." "You know I read once, that it is not the problems that arise but the grace in which you suppress them." "That... defines you." "Oh, Mama, that was poetry right there." "No, it's not... and I strongly doubt you read that any where." "Yes, I did!" "You know, Nekeisha, hearing about how painful your life has been and how well you've hidden it from all of us." "I say you've earned that bottle of champagne, so I'm going to go get it." "Get it, Joe." "Jerrod, help me here." "I don't know." "Nekeisha's life sounds like an episode of The Wire." "I guess she should have a drink." "The reality is, some people's life is so stressful, they've earned the right to drink." "Some people drink." "Others smoke weed or cigarettes to deal with it." "You know those chew commercials only show the downside of smoking." "They never show you the one guy whose cigarette is the only thing stopping him beating his wife after the Steelers lose." "Now, Cynthia, bought this bottle to celebrate for when Hillary was going to win the presidency." "But..." "I guess a woman being promoted by the TSA is going to have to do." "Look, Nekeisha, there are other ways of handling stress than drinking." "Like meditation." "I've been meditating since I was 10." "Oh, when I was 10 my grandmother used to meditate." "But, I found out later she was just doing heroin." "Well, nevertheless." "Meditation has done a lot for me in my life." "You know, I started meditating the year my parent's got divorced." "It was a really, really stressful time." "My parents wouldn't take any responsibility." "So, I put the blame on myself." "The only time I would get any relief was when I would just sit alone in my room and meditate." "Maxine, you can't solve her problems the way you solved your own problems." "You got divorced parents." "She got 2 dead Mommas and a junkie Nana." "Maxine, if meditation solved problems there wouldn't be so many people starving in India." "You know, just ignore them Nekeisha I really think this would be great for you." "What do you got to lose?" "Is this going to cost me any money?" "No." "And this won't be affecting my sexual orientation, right?" "What?" "Alright, I'll try it." "Okay, great." "I really think you're going to love this." "You know, sometimes at night... when I'm laying down I hear these voices in my head shouting at me." "You're a failure, Bobby." "You're nothing." "You should just give it all up." "So, I guess I'll try your meditation too." "Okay, deep breaths." "Inhale." "Exhale." "See, just by recognizing your breath, you can start to feel the stress melt from your body." "Now, I want you to picture a stream." "Imagine leaves floating down that stream." "Place your problems one by one onto the leaves, and just watch them slowly drift away from you." "Maxine?" "Hey, hey, Maxine?" "Yes, Bobby." "Um... so I did what you said, I put my problems on the leaf, and it started floating away, but now it's starting to float back towards me." "What should I do?" "Well, don't let it float towards you, make them float the other way." "We can't control the way a stream moves, Maxine." "We're not God." "Oh, God, is anybody else's stream disgusting?" "I think a factory's been dumping runoff in mine." "Okay, let's not do the stream." "Um... all right, try this, try picturing a mountain." "Ooh, how high is this mountain?" "'Cause I'm afraid of heights." "Oh, don't worry about that, Nekeisha, just put your fear of heights on that leaf." "Oh, you're right." "Maxine, I'm going back to the stream." "Terry's awake." "This is my nephew, Terry." "Terry, this is Maxine." "I want some candy." "Why do you always want candy?" "We ain't got no candy." "Look, this boy's been over here a whole damn week, and I ain't seen him eat one vegetable." "Eat a carrot, Terry!" "Maxine," "I know that you're trying to get me to a state of peace, but this meditation thing takes too much time and focus." "Hennessy is relaxing immediately." "But you don't want a quick fix, you have to look at the big picture here." "I found some candy." "Terry, what is that?" "Um, did you go through my purse?" "I got to pee." "Oh, Terry, would you stop going through people's stuff?" "See, this is the reason why you're not gonna find a loving home." "Xanax?" "Maxine, you take Xanax?" "Yeah, sometimes." "So let me get this straight." "You got us sitting around here Indian-style trying to replace alcohol with streams and mountains while you're over there popping happy pills the whole time?" "Yeah, Maxine, how's these pills any different from Nekeisha's drinking?" "It's not the same as drinking at all." "A doctor prescribed those as a sleep aid to help me with my ruminating thoughts and anxiety." "You know something?" "See, I knew no one could just close their eyes and picture a stream without mind-enhancing steroids." "There is no way that I'm not drinking alcohol while you walking around here with Xanax in your purse like breath mints." "You said it was possible to relax with just meditation." "It is." "I am not taking Xanax all day." "I take them at night as needed." "Psh." "Look, if it'll help you be more invested in this process, then you keep them." "You know, I am fine without them." "Let's try and get back to our peaceful, meditative place, okay?" "Okay." "This place is boring." "I want to go live with junkie Grandma." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, this is so sad, I can't believe it." "Maxine, what are you watching?" "It's the middle of the night." "Just this episode of VICE." "Jerrod, the world is really messed up." "You don't watch VICE at 3:00 in the morning, Maxine." "You either switch to porn or you close your computer." "Just..." "I can't sleep." "I was thinking about this co-worker of mine." "We had this really weird moment yesterday in a meeting." "I said, "Good idea," and then she smiled at me." "And I thought nothing of it at the time, but now I'm replaying it in my head and I'm wondering if she thought maybe I was being sarcastic." "So, in order to stop thinking about that" "I started watching this episode of VICE about child soldiers in South Sudan." "And they have nine-year-olds wielding machetes, Jerrod!" "Maxine, please take a Xanax." "No, I made a deal with Nekeisha." "There are other ways of handling anxiety." "Nine years old!" "Maxine, maybe they enjoy being child soldiers, you ever think about that?" "I mean, if you gave me a machete when I was a kid" "I'd be very excited." "Now, stop watching that." "I did." "Now I'm just Googling stuff." "Did you know that there are eight active genocides happening in the world right now?" "And they'll still be active in the morning, I'm sure." "Just... try and go to sleep." "Jerrod, have you ever seen a sinkhole actually open up and swallow a minivan with an entire family inside?" "Here, watch." "Maxine, what the hell is wrong with you?" "Watching some family die in a sinkhole." "Jerrod, don't shy away from the truth." "People die in sinkholes every single day." "What are you doing?" "Maxine, I love you, but you are insufferable without Xanax, so I'm gonna get high and go to sleep." "We are so proud of you getting that promotion from the TSA, Nekeisha." "You got me a Qur'an?" "So you can better understand the Muslims you're gonna be pulling out of line." "That is so thoughtful." "Look, we wanted to make sure if you're gonna racially profile some people that you do it correctly." "Nekeisha, Maxine's broken and she's too proud to admit it." "Will you please give her back her Xanax?" "What..." "Jerrod." "But, yeah, I want it back." "Maxine, you're a pill-popper?" "No, I'm not a pill-popper," "I take a medication that is prescribed to me to help me sleep when I have anxiety." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Oh, yeah." "What?" " Michael Jackson." " Mm-hmm." "Pills killed our king." "Exactly what I was thinking." "Okay, Xanax did not kill Michael Jackson." "He was taking a surgical amount of anesthesia." "Maxine, you have been after Nekeisha to stop drinking and you are barely tethered to the earth yourself?" "Mm-hmm." "Looks like we've been doing this I.P.I. on the wrong person all along." "All right, Maxine, go on and sit in the center of the room, we're gonna go around in a circle and take turns shaming you into recovery." "Right." "I'll go first." "Maxine," "I think you're arrogant and unlikable, but I like your nails." "Who's next?" "Okay, calm down, everyone." "There's nothing wrong with Maxine taking Xanax." "Lots of people do it." ""Lots of people do it"" "is what they said about crack before it ruined Baltimore in the '80s." "Have you seen Baltimore lately, Jerrod?" "It hasn't come back from all that crack." "Hey, hey, the world is stressful." "And I think it's okay that I need something to help me deal with that stress." "I mean, do you know how many active genocides there are happening in the world right now?" "Eleven?" "Well, no, there are eight." "Well, that's not so bad." "Yeah, I was gonna guess 15." "Well, it's good to know there's a lot less genocide than we thought in the world." "God is good." "All the time, Mama." "You guys do know what genocide is, right?" "You know what?" "I don't care if you guys judge me for taking Xanax because... guess what?" "I'm judging you for not taking them." "This world is a terrible, messed up place." "How do you guys just sleep at night and turn a blind eye to everything that's going on around you?" "I take these pills because I have a conscience and a heart." "You all just must be dead inside." "You're like the child soldiers in the South Sudan, just getting through life..." "ignoring all their feelings." "Just waving those giant machetes around in their tiny little hands." "All right, peace, y'all." "Hey, friends." "When it comes to drugs and alcohol, there are three words that could save your life:" ""Just say when."" "Knowing your limits is an important part of being an adult." "You want to do just enough to have fun at a party or be creative." "But too much can send you down the wrong path." "Use substances, don't abuse substances." "'Cause the more you know yourself, the more you know your limits."