"You missed a spot." "Alf..." "I'd like to hear about it one more time." "Don't torture yourself, willie." "Please." "Don't." "Just once more." "Why'd you flood the house?" "I wanted to make a skating rink." "And how are you planning to freeze the water?" "By turning the air conditioner on high." "I'd like to hear about it one more time." "Just one more, come on." "This is not a bergman movie, willie." "It's fairly cut and dried." "Water, air conditioner," "Holiday on ice." "Ahh." "I'm going to go for a little while." "I'm going to rent a pump for the basement." "Just tell me one more time." "Just one more" "Willie, go rent your pump." "Now, i'm going to rent..." "A pump!" "What was all that about?" "[Telephone rings]" "Your 2 dimes." "Gordon shumway?" "Speaking." "Who's this?" "This is someone who knows you're an alien." "And if you don't pay me $3,000 by friday," "I'm going to turn you in to the authorities." "Ah, the number you have reached is not in service." "Please hang up and dial again." "Don't get cute." "I'll call you back tomorrow morning with more details, pinhead." "[Dial tone]" "Ah." "Ok." "Don't panic." "Willie'll help you." "He always helps you." "I'm dog food." "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment" "Willie, have you noticed that alf's been acting strange lately?" "Yeah." "It's going on 3 years now." "I mean, like last night when he apologized" "For every bad thing he's done since he got here" "Alphabetically." "I get lost between drain cloggage and drywall damage." "Well, i guess you missed the part" "Where he confessed to kidnapping the lindbergh baby." "[Knocking]" "Mr. Ochmonek:" "hey, tanners, it's me!" "Morning." "Good morning." "I'll take it." "Take what?" "Your house." ""House for sale. $4,000."" "You found that on our lawn?" "Yeah." "I can let you have 100 bucks up front," "If you'll finance the rest." "No." "I mean, we're not selling..." "Someone must have put that on our lawn as a kind of prank." "Oh, it's too bad." "This place would have made a nice summer home for me and raquel." "Captain's log." "Star date 2525." "Man, i'm still alive." "I'm now attempting to earn the blackmail money" "By recycling soda cans." "Oh, alf, what are you doing?" "Tempting diabetes." "You?" "Why did you drink every can of soda in the house?" "Currently, i'm recycling cans." "In a short while," "I'll be recycling soda." "Let me have a crack at him." "What's the meaning of this?" "I figured we could use some extra cash." "Alf, is there some reason" "Other than the extensive water damage" "Why we should sell our house as quickly" "And inexpensively as possible?" "I just thought it would be a good idea." "You never know when you're going to have to pay off some extortionist." "Ha ha ha ha." "Ok, let me guess." "You need money for some reason?" "Good morning." "Morning." "No--No, not so far." "What's going on?" "We're in the process" "Of ascertaining that right now." "I would have told you yesterday," "But i was waiting for the carpets to dry out" "And you to calm down." "Alf, would've told us what?" "This hoodlum called and put the squeeze on me." "He says he knows i'm an alien," "And if i don't pay him $3,000," "He'll turn me in!" "Woe is me." "Woe is me." "Alf, you don't really expect us to buy this story, do you?" "You don't believe me." "I don't think it was a blackmailer, alf." "I think it was probably just a crank call." "Did the voice sound familiar?" "Well, first i thought it might be kate," "But the voice wasn't high enough." "Then i thought it might be kate's mother," "But the voice wasn't low enough." "You suspected one of us?" "Well, you have the most to gain." "I cost you tons of money." "You have no life of your own." "Privacy is nil," "And i'm shutting up now." "I didn't tell anyone." "None of us did." "And it wasn't my mother either." "Well, i know that." "The voice wasn't snarly enough," "Wasn't nasty and vile enough." "Don't push it." "Did the extortionist say anything else?" "Yeah, he said he'd call me back later this morning, pinhead." "I beg your pardon?" "That's what he called me." "I would never call you a pinhead." "Not to your face." "[Telephone rings]" "Recorder: hi, this is gordon shumway." "I'm dead right now." "Please leave your name, address, and extortion demands at the beep." "And i'll get back to you probably never." "As i said, i'm dead." "[Beep]" "Willie: alf, pick up the phone." "Alf, if you're there, answer." "Willie?" "Yeah." "Oh, oh, hold on." "Hold on." "Let me turn this off." "What--What are you doing?" "I'm trying to trace all incoming phone calls." "And i'm also eating potato chips." "Stop fooling around with the phone, will ya?" "Uh, tell kate that i'll be late for supper." "Oh, sure, don't worry about me." "I'm only the blackmailee." "Oh, and alf..." "Yeah?" "Change the message." "Ok, bye." "Hello." "This is the tanner residence." "If you called to terrorize anyone here," "You're too late." "So why don't you just shrivel up and die," "You scummy pile of meatloaf slag." "Please wait for the beep." "Hi, alf." "Aah!" "Sorry." "I saw your light on." "You can't sleep?" "How do you expect me to sleep?" "In 24 hours, i'm going to be hamburger helper." "Would you stop the ground meat metaphors?" "Nobody's going to turn you in to the authorities." "You don't believe me either, do you, lynn?" "You know, if mom and dad really thought you were in danger," "They'd do something about it." "So why don't you just get some sleep, ok?" "Ok." "I'll see you in the morning." "Ok." "Good night." "Night, lynn." "[Telephone rings]" "[Ring]" "Hello?" "Gordon shumway?" "Yes." "You got the money?" "Um, i'm working on it." "Who should i make the check out to?" "Nice try, pinhead." "But you better come up with the cash" "Or it's too bad about the tanners." "What?" "They're gonna be in a lot of trouble for keeping you," "But i guess a little jail time never hurt anyone." "Ha ha ha ha." "[Click]" "[Dial tone]" "When the going gets tough," "The tough get going." "And so do i." "[Pounding]" "Just a minute!" "I don't like this, willie." "Even trevor doesn't come over this late." "Just wait here." "[Pounding]" "Who is it?" "Immigration." "Are you william tanner?" "Yes." "I'm lee frazer with immigration service." "We've been informed that you're keeping an alien here." "What?" "Yes, sir, an undocumented resident." "Oh, willie," "I think they mean an illegal alien." "Right." "It's illegal for us to arrest legal aliens." "Well, there are no aliens-- Illegal or otherwise--Here." "Mind if we check?" "Well, do you mind if i see a search warrant?" "Unh." "What's going on?" "Are we busted?" "No." "Maybe." "They're--They're looking for illegal aliens!" "Human illegal aliens!" "Who may be hiding somewhere in our house!" "You have a basement or attic?" "Well, we just fumigated the attic." "The fumes are really bad." "We could get you a fan if you really need to go up there." "Thanks." "That won't be necessary." "He's in the attic!" "What are we going to do?" "They're going to find alf!" "We've got to warn him." "How can we warn him?" "There's only one way up to the attic." "What's this?" "Looks like a note from alf." "A note from alf." ""Dear family, my imaginary blackmailer called again tonight" ""And threatened to send you all to the imaginary slammer if i don't pay up." ""I would rather be turned into cream chip beef" ""Than see you go to jail because of me." ""You're welcome." "Anyway, i had to take...the car."" ""Tell willie to calm down." ""I'll leave the car on highway 71" ""Just outside edwards air force base." "Don't worry, nobody will want to steal it."" "Alf's joining the air force?" "That's where the alien task force is." "He took the car!" "Who lives in the attic?" "Nobody." "We just found the remnants of about 50 tv dinners up there." "Care to comment?" "We hoard." "Don't we, dear?" "We're hoarders." "Mm-Hmm." "What made you think we had an illegal alien?" "His name turned up on a mailing list." "Our computers red-Flagged it" "When they couldn't match it to a social security number." "But who brought this to your attention?" "What difference does that make, pinhead?" "So..." "Where is he?" "Look..." "I can make a lot of trouble for you." "Since you didn't find anyone," "I'm going to have to ask you and darrell and darrell to leave." "This isn't over." "Pinhead!" "Isn't that what alf said the blackmailer called him?" "Yes." "Yes, it's getting very clear." "Alf really was being blackmailed." "Oh, honey, the poor little guy must be terrified." "Dad, what if something happens to him?" "Ok, let's go!" "Wait, wait!" "We have no car." "I know even i don't usually come over this late," "But i heard the commotion." "Who are the suits?" "Just a couple of gentlemen from immigration." "Ah, i understand." "No, you don't." "My cousin's a lawyer." "Call this number and ask for inmate 24601." "Trevor, can we borrow the car?" "Again?" "What's wrong with yours this time?" "What was the reason before?" "Somebody filled your gas tank with malted milk balls." "Same problem." "Thanks." "Hey, willie, don't worry!" "This immigration thing'll be our own little secret!" "[Chicken clucking]" "Hello?" "Anyone in here?" "I, uh..." "I ran out of gas just down the road." "Hello?" "[Sniffs]" "Interesting aroma." "Oh, hey, i don't suppose you have a key to the house." "I need to use the phone." "[Moo]" "Sorry." "I guess i can relate to you." "We're all prisoners in one way or another." "But must it be so?" "I cannot change my own destiny," "Maybe i could change yours." "Go!" "Get along, little doggy." "Yee-Hah!" "Alf!" "Willie, how did you find me?" "I saw the car parked down by the side of the road." "I followed the empty candy wrappers here." "I was going to pick them up on my way back." "They were to help me find the car." "What happened?" "You neglected to fill the tank." "Alf, you don't have to turn yourself in." "I must." "I must" "No, no, i know who's blackmailing you." "And he doesn't think you're an alien, alien," "He thinks that you're an illegal alien." "You mean i almost turned myself in" "Because of semantics?" "I almost turned myself in" "Because of semantics!" "Alf, why did you-- Why didn't you come to me" "Before you did something this drastic?" "I did come to you." "If you'll recall, you didn't believe me." "Oh, i know." "I'm sorry, pal." "Besides," "He threatened to have you guys arrested." "I thought i'd work through this myself." "Alf, what was the last thing" "You tried to do by yourself?" "Build a skating rink in the living room." "Egad!" "A pattern." "We'd better get out of here" "Before somebody sees you." "Ok, but wait." "We can't leave my friend." "Your friend?" "Yeah." "I named her after your wife." "Kate?" "Bossy." "Besides, you know what happens to them." "Alf," "This is a milk cow." "They don't slaughter milk cows." "They don't?" "You lying cow!" "Come on." "Let's hit the trail, willie earp." "Somebody's coming." "I'll hide in the kitchen." "Where's the kitchen?" "Just hide." "Who are you?" "I'm willie tanner." "I'm from the city." "What're you doing here?" "Oh, well, i--I..." "I know what you're doing." "You're a chicken thief." "Oh, no, no, no, you see..." "I really hate thieves." "They're always taking things that don't belong to them." "You win." "Well, look here," "My car ran out of gas down the road." "I was just wondering if, maybe, i could get some from you?" "Why didn't you say so?" "Sure." "I can fill this up for you, i got a tank." "Well, thank you." "Thank you very much." "Say, how much would you want for that?" "Aah!" "$20." "$20 for a gallon of gas?" "The nearest gas station is a 4-Hour walk." "Kind of cold to be walking in jammies." "Thank you." "I'll go fill this up for you." "He was nice." "Why didn't you tip him?" "Just get back to the car." "Ok." "Race you back to town." "No." "There's not going to be any racing." "Kate's going to drive our car," "I'm going to take trevor's." "Ok." "Just a second." "Bossy," "It's been a pleasure." "Take care of yourself and..." "Watch that cholesterol, huh?" "Well?" "Well, it looks like we were right." "Frazier's supervisor at the i.N.S. Said" "They've suspected him for a long time" "Of shaking down illegal immigrants." "Now he's been suspended pending an investigation." "[All cheering]" "Well, i wish i would've been here." "I'd have realigned his front end." "It just scares me to think how close you came" "To actually turning yourself in." "You saved my life, willie." "I'll never forget it." "From now on," "You are my slave." "So what else is new?" "Captioning made possible by lions gate home entertainment"