"( theme music playing )" "things have gone from bad to worse here in nouvion." "we were just about to send the airmen out to sea in two wine barrels which were hidden in my cellar, when general von klinkerhoffen confiscated the barrels because he thought that they contained a rather good '26 claret." "needless to say, the airmen are now in his cellar at the chateau." "if he decides to sample the claret, i am a dead man." "see, my hands are shaking." "in the absence of-- of tranquilizers, i am mixing gin with acorn coffee." "i find that it helps to calm me down." "edith:" "rene." "look." "the first edition of the new nouvion newspaper is on the streets." "i do know, edith." "i am the editor." "you are very naughty, rene." "you did not tell me i had been chosen as the spirit of nouvion." "well, after all your nagging, what else could i do?" "look at my picture." "to think of my face staring out of all the newsstands." "and under the title," ""the spirit of nouvion represents strength, virtue and beauty."" "you must remember, edith, it is a propaganda paper." " rene." " hmm?" "is there not some way i can show my appreciation?" "after all, the cafe is empty." "yes, of course, edith." "the sink behind the bar is bunged up." "go and see if you can clear it out, will you?" "psst." "if i am put under any more strain i am going to be out of gin." "listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "i have had the painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies we stole from herr flick's safe valued by an expert." "it is a forgery." "no." "but how do you tell?" "her boobies are not big enough." "they look all right to me." "i also found out that somehow, the original is in the possession of general von klinkerhoffen at the chateau." "we must get it." "we need the funds for the resistance." "i am more concerned about the airmen than this painting." "if they are found in barrels that came from my cellar, we will be shot." "he is right." "the painting is of secondary importance." "i agree." "i will put the best brains of the resistance onto the problem of rescuing the airmen." "however, the resistance is still very short of funds." "( register rings ) when the painting is recovered and sold, you will be reimbursed." "but now, i must vanish like a phantom to the hairdresser's." "oh, rene, you look so worried." "would you like me to get you some more gin?" "bols." "i will get you some anyway." "colonel:" "i must say, gruber, this first edition is not at all bad." "congratulations." "i supervised rene to the best of my ability, making sure he only put in the paper what i told him." "why you have so many articles about general von kinkyhoffen?" "because he is the garrison commander." "and he has a big head." "look." "he insisted on having his picture on the front page." "what an idiot he looks." "general von klinkerhoffen!" "ah, i see you are all reading the paper." "the colonel, he was just saying how handsome you look on the front page." "yes, i do look rather dashing, don't i?" "that is an excellent article, gruber." "you wrote about how we are winning the war." "i merely took down your dictation, general." "why you no print how the italians are winning the war?" "when you start, we will." "now, colonel, i've had another idea for cementing relationships with the conquered french peasants." "i am all ears." "a marriage between an officer of the occupying forces and a french peasant woman would be an excellent propaganda coup." "i am not sure that the peasants are too keen on marrying members of the occupying forces." "the prospective husband must persuade her that it is a good idea." "i've already selected the woman." "this one." "the spirit of nouvion." "but that's madame edith from the cafe." "as i understand it, always very friendly towards you." "i don't fancy cementing relations with madam edith." "you won't have to." "you're already married." "oh, yes." "so, i am." "thank heavens." "lieutenant gruber and captain bertorelli will draw straws for the honor of proposing to her." "but we don't have any straws, and i am not of the marrying kind." "i am more the love 'em and leave 'em." "silence." "you will draw pencils." "whoever gets the shorter one, will marry the peasant." "and then, of course, when the war is over, we can have it canceled." "heh heh heh." "bad luck." "general, i cannot do it." "what?" "well, my mother has always hoped that i would marry a nice blonde german." "a girl, that is." "he has always been very reticent where women of the opposite sex are concerned." "this is true." "on the other hand, captain bertorelli here is always telling us he's irresistible, to women of the opposite sex." "really?" "he never fails." "then captain bertorelli will marry the spirit of nouvion." "but, general-- quiet!" "that is an order." "why can't i marry one of the waitresses?" "the tall one with the nice bum?" "you will do as you're told." "if, however, she refuses you, then you can have a go at the waitress." "i am suddenly depressed." "look, my feathers-- they droop." "captain bertorelli, remember, the money from the cafe will keep you in comfort." "and you can chase the waitresses all night, whilst the spirit of nouvion is asleep." "you're right." "in the day i make the money." "in the night i make the pass." "madam edith, she will not resist me." "i go to the cafe today to ask for her hand." "good, and we will have a reception at the chateau to make the official announcement." "colonel, you can invite all the local dignitaries." "hell hitler." "hell hitler." "hell mussolini." "( chuckles ) what if she says no?" "nonsense." "you are the most handsome man in nouvion." "you'll get the cafe and the girls." "yes, it's called having your cake and eating it." "the cafe is okay, but the crumbly old cake i could do without." "you wanted to see me, herr flick?" "yes, von smallhausen." "my informants tell me that the painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies, which was stolen from under my nose while my back was turned, is on display in general von klinkerhoffen's quarters at the chateau." "curse!" "it is beyond our reach." "nothing is beyond the reach of the gestapo." "but the chateau is heavily guarded in front, herr flick, and there is a moat at the rear." "how will we get in?" "we will swim across the moat in these special gestapo frogmen suits." "we will then scale the wall with the aid of this compressed air mechanism, which will fire this grappling iron onto the roof of the castle." "we will then create a diversion, and steal the painting." "there is one problem with your plan, herr flick." "and what is this?" "i cannot swim." "climb onto the table, von smallhausen, and lie upon your face." "yes, herr flick." "i have here  the gestapo manual entitled," ""learning to swim very very quickly."" "we will start with the breast stroke." "faster, von smallhausen." "it is a very wide moat." "you must help me." "it is urgent." "i have taken enough risks already." "what is so urgent that you come here in daylight, through the front door?" "well, as you know, i am constantly on the move." "i've had no time to do my washing." "please keep the whites separate, two drys, and try not to shrink the underwear." "i need to be able to move quickly in an emergency." "rene, lieutenant gruber is heading this way." "i was at the butcher's." "i came to warn you." "take the washing into the kitchen." "michelle, quick." "come with me into the back room." "quick, quick, quick." "rene, i'm so glad i found you alone." "only just." "i have come to warn you." "general von klinkerhoffen, in the interests of improving relations with the peasants, has ordered captain bertorelli to marry madam edith." "no." "yes." "but why did he pick on her?" "and then again, why pick on him?" "she is the spirit of nouvion." "what better choice could there be?" "oh my god." "so, confident is the general of the outcome, that he has organized a reception for the village dignitaries at the chateau, to announce the engagement." "what a nerve." "of course, she will refuse." "it might be better if you got madam edith into hiding, in case she falls for his irresistible charm, which i must say escapes me." "i am grateful, lieutenant, for the warning." "if i can save anyone from the torture of matrimony, i will." "if only you had been around 25 years ago." "if only i had." "we heard every word." "rene, why did you not tell the lieutenant that you are married to me?" "you were married to the rene who was shot." "i am his twin brother from nancy." "how quickly you forget the plot." "when he proposes, i shall tell that itai to get knotted." "oh, no, let's not be hasty." "every cloud has a silver lining." "they are to hold a reception at the chateau, which gives us a splendid chance to get the british airmen out." "no, i am sorry." "it is out of the question." "but, do you not see?" "if the airmen are found in the wine barrels that came from your cellar, you could be shot." "i know that." "but you cannot just walk out of there with two wine barrels." "we do not have to." "i have made some preliminary notes." "beneath the cellars is an underground stream." "we can drop the barrels with the airmen into it." "the barrels will float down the river, and out to sea, to rendezvous with the boat squadron from england." "but the chateau will be full of germans." "and how do we get into the cellar?" "listen." "there is a tunnel to the cellars from the monastery." "a locked door prevents entry to the cellars." "you must open the door from the inside during the reception, and let us in." "it is a perfect plan." "but how do we get to the cellar from the reception?" "the living quarters of the general are at the top of the chateau." "one pair of knickers and three pounds of sausages." "no, no, i'm sorry, i will read that again, those are personal notes." "i'm glad to hear it." "there is a dumbwaiter outside the room of general von klinkerhoffen." "you will put in it your small waitress, mimi, and wind her down to the cellar." "she will unlock the interconnecting door." "i will enter with my girls and drop the barrels into the stream." "it is simple." "♪ o sole mio... ♪ it is captain bertorelli approaching now." "you will be doing this for france, edith." "you must say yes." "be brave, madam edith, and don't worry, we'll get you out of it before the wedding." "excuse me while i vanish into the back room." "( singing in italian ) ah, the beautiful lady." "i bring you these beautiful flowers." "that is very kind of you." "( coughs ) i don't beat about the bush, madam edith." "i accept." "i come here today to ask for you hand in marriage." "i accept." "together we have a wonderful time together." "we go for walks in the moonlight." "we kiss with passion under the stars." "i accept." "then we come home, and count the takings from the till." "i go on my bended knees, please say yes." "i already said yes." "were you not listening?" "you did?" "oh, mamma mia, then it is done." "tonight we have a big reception at the castle to tell everyone how much we love each other." "now i give you the kiss." "just a little one." "tonight, when i come back-- when i come back to take you to the reception, i bring you the engagement ring with the diamonds and the sapphires." "you mean you are rich as well?" "don't worry, i charge it to the business." "well done, madam edith." "we saw and heard everything." "oh, rene, when he forced his lips on mine it must have been difficult for you to control yourself." "it was." "there are still tears in my eyes." "and then i realized that he is more interested in the takings from the cafe than in you." "oh, rene." "while you still love me, his finger will never be on my till." "that is a great comfort." "ah, good, the sandwiches." "you there?" "is everything ready?" "yes, general." "the girls must make sure that everyone's glasses are filled at all times." "this is supposed to be a happy occasion." "the invited dignitaries are here." "oh, announce them." "the head of the nouvion police!" "good moaning." "i am viry plosed to moot you, general von klonkerhiffen, lieutenant greeber," "colonel von stream." "monsieur alphonse, the mayor, the undertaker, the hairdresser, the vineyard owner, and the photographer." "where are the other five people you announced?" "pardon?" "oh, they are all me, general." "allow me to introduce myself." "my card." "monsieur alphonse, funerals and burials, swiftly and with style." "fortunately, i am in good health." "monsieur and madam leclerc." "i do not shake hands with germans." "i spit on them." "( spits ) excuse me, general." "she is a little bit-- now settle down, you old bat." "here, madam fanny, have a drink, it will make you feel better." "are you mad?" "she must keep off the booze." "and remember, you have a part to play, to get your old daughter out of this engagement." "i am an old trooper." "i will not fail." "quick, ernest, give me your hip flask." "be careful, fanny." "it is very strong." "do not spill it on the floor, or it will take off the polish." "ooh." "ha ha ha." "ah, that hit the spot." "captain bertorelli and his fiancee, the spirit of nouvion." "my word, this is the first time i've seen mutton actually dressed as mutton." "were there any problems?" "apparently she accepted without hesitation." "i'm not a bit surprised." "this is my bride to be." "may i say, madam edith, you have never looked more beautiful." "thank you, lieutenant." "here, i pay the compliments, not you." "look at her." "what a beauty." "i am blinded by love." "that's quite obvious." "over here." "i must congratulate you on helping with our war effort." "my chest, it swell with pride." "do i get a medallion?" "no, but you certainly deserve one." "oh, madam edith." "if you marry this man, you will break my ticker, which is already dicky." "don't worry, monsieur alphonse." "i am only going through the motions." "i shudder to think of you going through the motions with this feathered wop." "i gnash some of my teeth." "please, control yourself." "i cannot." "as a matter of principle, i must challenge my rival to a duel." "it is expected." "a word with you, monsieur." "what's up?" "you have taken the hand of the woman i love." "i demand satisfaction." "it is a local custom." "in italy the husband gets the satisfaction." "the locals don't get a look in." "i demand the satisfaction of a duel to the death." "name your time and place." "aah." "aah." "what's that for?" "it is also part of the local custom." "okey-dokey, dawn tomorrow, in the woods." "well, i have done what is expected of me." "i must inform you that i am the best shot in the italian army." "in that case, i must inform you that i have a prior engagement, otherwise, i would go and embalm myself immediately." " cheers." " cheers." "( owl hoots )" "flick:" "that is the window of the general's quarters." "it is very high." "do not be a wimp, von smallhausen." "we cross the moat, fire the grappling iron, climb the almost insurmountable wall." "after creating a diversion, we steal the painting, and return to our quarters." "i must point out, herr flick, i have not yet fully mastered the technique of swimming." "what if i get into difficulties?" "you will continue walking underwater for as long as you can." "are you ready to go down into the cellar, my brave little mimi?" "for you, rene, i'm always ready." "yvette will lower you down." "why cannot i go?" "because i am braver than you, and you are fatter than me." "oh, how dare you?" "shorty." "fatty." " shorty." " fatty." " shorty shorty-- - fatty fatty-- stop that, stop it you two." "you are both brave." "now come along, mimi." "climb in." "good luck, mimi." "i must get back to the festivities." "and if i am asked about this, of course i know nothing about it." "trust us." "good, yes." "be careful how you lower me down." "it is a long drop." "do not tell me what to do." "aren't you one of the waitresses from the cafe?" "what if i am?" "you gave me a little kiss the other night, and promised another the next time we met." "i don't remember." "oh!" "ah!" "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ah!" "i see it's all coming back to you." "oh, oh-- quick, mimi." "it is i, michelle." "open the door." "the key is big and old, but i am strong." "there." "well done." "ah, there are the barrels." "fairfax?" "carstairs?" "can you hear me?" " hello." " hello." "we've come-- we've come to get you out." "about time." "the rats have been gnawing at my bum." "well, pop back in, chaps." "we're going to drop you in the river and start your journey." "jolly good." "cheerio." "michelle, i hope this plan works." "my subscription to wentworth runs out next week." "oh, well, that's too bad." "cheerio." "michelle:" "open the trap door." " ( loud splash ) - aah!" "ooh, ooh, oh, oh, waaaah!" "( loud splash )" "quick, mimi. get back before you are missed." "is she not back yet?" "oh, she is very heavy." "oh, i will do it." " go and serve the drinks." " all right." "rene, what are you doing out here?" "you are missing all the fun." "just running out of wine, lieutenant." "i sent mimi down to get some more." "that looks like heavy work." "let me give you a hand." "it is-- it is all right, lieutenant." "i can manage." "nonsense." "look, i am terribly sorry about madam edith." "i wish i could have prevented this dreadful engagement." "well, thank you for trying." "don't worry." "if your nights become lonely, we can always chat by the bar." "that would be a great comfort." "oh, ah." "here is mimi now." "gruber, rene, come at once." "the general's about to make a speech." "ah." "well done, mimi." "i have overcome great danger." "hold me and kiss me." "you will just have to settle for a "well done, mimi."" "silence!" "i have invited all you local peasants here tonight to hear an important announcement." "to cement the friendship between the occupying forces and the peasants, i have decided to give my permission for a marriage to take place between captain bertorelli and the spirit of nouvion, from the cafe rene." "have you got the ring?" "what a whopper!" "it will be yours tonight." "captain bertorelli is, of course, an italian, and not a true aryan, but it's the spirit of the occasion that counts." "where is the photographer?" "i am here, general." "my equipment is at the ready." "we will have the official engagement photograph over here." "i wish to take this opportunity to display a fabulous art treasure which has been acquired for the glory of the third reich." "as you will see, it is the fallen madonna with the big boobies by van clomp, which will soon be on its way to the fuhrer." "let this be a lesson to you all, we germans always succeed in the end!" "( applause ) the happy couple may join me." "come along, you old bat." "this is the moment." "what?" "it is my pleasure to announce this engagement officially, and i trust you will all join me in wishing captain bertorelli and his bride to be every happiness." "i do not." "who said that?" "my daughter edith will never marry that ugly feathered wop as long as i have a breath left in m-y-y" "( screaming ) body-y-y-y-y!" "who is the nutcase?" "she is kiptin bertorolli's future mother inloo." "my mother inloo?" "i will cut you off without a sou, you traitress." "you will never have my cafe now." "her cafe?" "but i thought it was your cafe?" "it is mamma's." "she shall never disgrace my family by marrying that dago." "dago?" "i'm from napoli." "that's even worse." "i've changed my mind." "the wedding it's off." "you could lose your rank and medals for this." "you can keep the medals." "mussolini, he made me the captain, not you." "general:" "to hell with mussolini!" "that is the last time i trust an itai with a silly walk." "i see the painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies." "it is time to activate our special gestapo fire alarm as a diversion." "i am ready, herr flick." "very well, activate your helmet." "( fire alarm clanging ) fire alarm, general!" "quick, evacuate the room. quick!" "deactivate the fire alarm, von smallhausen." " what?" " switch it off." "now, jump." "how do we know the moat is deep enough to break our fall, herr flick?" "you will test it." "aah!" "( thud )" "obviously not." "that was not even our fire alarm." "there must be another one somewhere." "the picture is gone." "i'm not blind. guards, search for intruders." "it could not have been one of the posants, as we were all outsod in the pissage." "rene:" "what an evening." "edith:" "but a successful one." "i got out of marrying captain bertorelli." "( laughter ) mimi:" "and michelle got the british airmen away." "thank goodness we will never have to see those two british idiots again." "( laughing ) fairfax:" "hello?" "tell me this is a dream." "fairfax:" "i say, we seem to have taken the wrong passage in the underground stream." "carstairs:" "the grating's jammed." "what did they say?" "they have taken the wrong pissage." "i'm afraid there has been an almighty kick-up." "you took the weeds right out of my mooth." "( theme music playing )"