"Hey,Danny." "Did you say good morning to Melissa?" "Good morning,Melissa." "You look lovely today." "Thank you,Danny" "I think he's got a little thing for you." "No,you've got a little thing for her." "I've got a croquet mallet in my pants." "*******" "Al,I thought I told you to keep that doll in your room." "Come on." "He's got to feed the broad sometime." "See what I did there?" "You're so clever." "How about spaghetti with pesto for dinner tonight?" " Oh,boy,with the pine nut." " You got it." "I've got your pine nuts right here." "Danny." "Buy one,et one free." "Okay,Al,I'm only going to ask you this once." "Has litt Miss Muppet moved into my house?" " What?" "No." " Really?" "Then explain why she's here when I go tbed and still here when get up." "Well,to be fair,Charlie, you do have an erratic sleep schedule." "And that's notven counting the drunken blackouts." "So you're sang I continually miss it when she goes home?" "Charlie,you missed Easter last year." "Wathat the time I woke up with a Cadbury egg melted in my short" "Sadly enough,no." "Okay,okay, just so you understand this is my house and you don't get to invite people to move in." "Why do you keep harping onhat?" "She is not living here." "I'm just going to throw in a load of laundry before I go to work." "Sure looks like she is." "I don't know what he's talking abou" "Two and a Half Men Season07 Episode02" "Hey,listen, I was thinking." "Why don't we bring my bed over from my mother's house?" "We've already got a bed." "This isn't aed, it's a fold-out couch." "And you' the one who's always complaining about it." "Oh,complain about a lot of things." "Like,uh,like automatic flush toilets." "I mean,everything's gone before you get a chance to turn around and check out how you did." "What the dickens are you talking about?" "Let's just leave the furniture the way it is." "I don't want to rock the boat." "How getting a decent bed rocking the boat?" "This is our room,isn't it?" "Well,yeah." "And-and no." "I mean..." "It's still Charlie's house." " But you pay rent?" " Of course." "I mean,you know, the actual number fluctuates depending on the economy and whether Charlie's conscious on the first of the month." "But yeah,I pay." "Okay,then you need to start standing up to him." ",please." "I stand up to him plenty." "Is that so?" "You think he likes unsalted butter?" "He does not." "Now u listen to me,Alan Harper." "Yoare a strong, assertive man." "I know that because I couldn't be with you if you were anything less." "Oh,well,yeah,I am." "You know,I..." "I don't want to flaunt my strong assertiveness by, you know,asking for stuff." "Alan,you need to tell your brother we're ving my bed in here and if he doesn't like it, ll,then that is just his tough noogies." " Okay,I will tell him." " Good." "But slowly.****" "As I did with the butter." "And how long did that take?" "That is not important." "What's important is this is now a low sodium, heart smart household." "He thinks he's fooling me, t he's not." "She's living here." "He moved her i right under my nose." "So?" "So this is e unsalted butter again, but,you know,writ lae." "What difference does it makef she lives here?" ""What difference?" Are u kidding?" "First it's him and his stinky kid and now he's shacking up with Strawberry Shortcake!" "He pays nt, doesn't he?" "I don't know." "Once,maybe." "He says he did." "So why do you care who he has in his room?" "I care because..." "There's a principle involved." " "A principle"?" " Yes!" "I made a ru." "Ooh,you made a rule." "Yes,I mada rule." "And I'm making another one." "You do not get to mock my rules." "You're being silly,Charlie." "Melissa is a wonderful girl." "Th love each other and she makes him happy." "And I care about that because..." "Because the Charlie Harper that I fell love with cares about other people's happiness." "That's the Charlie Harper you fell in love with,huh?" " Yes." " Well,jo's on you." "That whole nice guy thing was a big act to get you to have sex with me." "I know you'll do t right thing,Charlie." "Oh,u do,huh?" "Most of the time,I'm not even sure what the right thing is." " Got a minute?" " I'm reading." "Okay,we'll talk later." "Damn it,Alan,getback out there!" " But I got to pee." " You already peed,now go!" "What do you want,Alan?" "Well... as you know,I pay my fair share of rent around here." "We probably have different definitions of "fair."" "And "share."" "And "rent," but go on." "I-I-I just don't think I need your permission when it comes to Melissa living with me." "Well,you're wrong." "Nice talking to you." " Chlie." "I would hope that..." " Don't Charlie me." "This is my house." "Not yours,mine." "And the fact i if Melissa moves in, that means you've got more people living re than I do." "So?" "So there's a principl involved... that we must discuss." "Okay,so what's the principle?" "The principle is that... yore my brother and I want you to be happy." "So Melissa can stay?" "I mean,move in?" "Sure." "Well,all right then." "You know, I was thinking." "You've got me." "Alan's got Melissa." "Even Jake's got a girlfriend." "We need to find somebody for Sir Lancelot." "Your cat?" "Yeah." "Doesn't he deserve some happiness?" "He can lick his owcrotch." "What else does he need?" "Come on,Charlie." "Why shouldn't he have so companionship?" "All right." "How about we get him nice lady coyote?" " Charlie!" " What?" "It'd be good for ol' Lance." "Get a little exercise running for his life." "You're terrible." "Let the machine get it." " Hi,this is Alan." " And this is Melissa." "We're not home rht now and neither are Charlie and Chelsea." "Well,Charlie might be home,but he's probably in no conditionto answe" "Leave a message en you hear the beep." "Beep!" "Hello,Charlie?" "It's your mother." "Remember me?" "The woman who carrd you in her womb for roughly seven and a half mons." "Anyway,I'd say call me, but what's the point?" "I've long since given up expecting y kind of consideration..." ""Seven and a half months"?" "She always said, "If God wanted us to lose our figures he wouldn't have iented C-sections and incubators."" " Oh,hey,all." " We're home." "Oh,boy." "Charlie?" "Oh,uh,just so you know, Melissa and I are going tout our food on the bottom shelf and you ys can take the top and we'll split the door,okay?" " That's a great idea." " No,it's not." "It's my refrigerator." " Be quiet." " I bought it." "I paid for it." " Charlie!" " The whole thing, not just half." "Stop being a child." "I'm just saying." "I'm not going to forfeit a grape sodaust because I put it on the wrong shelf!" " Mind if we join you guys?" " Sure." "Whatre we watching?" "An Odd uple rerun." "Oh,I never really likethat show." " Why not?" " I dot really buy the premise." "I mean,you know, o in his right mind would put up with somebody who drives him crazy for all those years?" "I mean,it would be different if they were reled." "That was fun pking out our wedding crystal." "Oh,yeah." "Barrel of monkeys." "I'm so excited about that big punch bowl." "You know what would be really exciting?" "Next time you ask me to go shopping with you, use it to cave in my skull." "What the hell is this?" "Oh,look who's here." "He dude,party down." "What are you dng?" "We invited few friends over." "You don't have any friends." "Yeah,but Melissa does." "So now they're mine,too." "They don't really like you." "They do,too." "Dream on,meat puppet." "Who said you could have a party?" "I'm sorry." "I thought we lived here." " Must we check with you about everything we do?" " Yes!" "What's that guy drinking?" "Is that my grape soda?" "It was on our shelf." "What'd I tell ya?" "Okay,that's it." " Charlie..." " No-no-no." "No,nothis is not acceptable." "y,everybody!" "Everybody listen up." "Party's over." "Pack up your crap and t out." "I'm not kidding!" "One." "I'm counting to three, by theay." "Two." " Ah,screw it." "I'll leave." " Charlie." "Forget it." "I'm out of here." "See what happens when I do the right thing?" "Okay,I think you're really overreacting, but if you want to spend the night at a hotel,fine." "No,I ll not come over there for a quickie." "Good-bye,Charlie." "He just needs to cool off." "We're really sorry,Chelsea." "Werobably should have talked to you guys before inviting our friends over." "ur friends?" "Maybe we just need some kind of system where we give each other a heads up about guests." " That's a great idea." " Excuse me." "Since when do you two call the shots around here?" "What are you talking about?" "All right,ladies, let's make something very clear." "There is an established peckinorder in this house th needs to be honored." "Oh,really?" "And what might that be?" "Do I have to spell it out?" " Please do." " Fine." "When Charlie is not here, I am in charge" "That's okay,isn't it?" " Yeah?" " Room service." "Guess who got himself kicked out of the house." "Cut it out!" "Cut it out!" "What are you doing here,Alan?" "Honestly,I didn't have any place else to go" "Yeah,well,I got news for you." "You still don't." "Oh,co on,Charlie." "Alan,you're the reason I'm here in the first place." "I know,I know." "I might have ossed a bit of a line." "A bit of a line?" "You moved your girlfriend into my house without telling me." "You invited strangers over without my permissn." "And then,then,to add insult tinjury, you show up here with yo ugly friggin' dummy?" "Did you hear that?" "He called you ugly." "Good-bye,Alan." "Wait,wait,wait,wait, wait,wait,wait,wait." "I..." "I brought a peace offering." "That's my ten-year-old Scoh!" " No,it's not." " Yes,it is." "I saw himtake it." "Damn it,Danny, what is wronwith you?" "What's wrong with me?" "You're the one with your hand betwn my little wooden cheeks." "All right,all right, enough." "Enough." "I'm gonna drink scotch, I'm gonna need ice." "There's a machine down the hall." "Be right back." "Yeah,like I don't have ice." "Thanks for letting meack in." "You were crying in the hallway." "The other guests complned." "Still,it's very considerate of you." "Shut up and drink my scotch." " Cheers." " Bite me." "This is kind of fun,though." "You and me sharing a hotel room juslike when we were kids." "Swell." "Remember that time Mom took us on that Caribbean cruise?" " We had our own cabin." " Yeah." "Took us three days to figure out Mom was on another boat." "Good times." "We've lost our house,Charlie." "Your house." "We've lost your house." " I know." " How did this hapn?" "Slowly." "In irements." "Starting with the butter." "I can see that now." "The problem is,the women have established a beachhead." " What?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "You just reminded mehy I bought a house in Malibu." "The thing is, if we go back, we'll appear weak." "I don't mind that." "No,nowe need a plan." "We need to figure out some way to drive a wedge between those two." "You know,divide and conquer." "Oh,yeah,but how?" "I'm not sure." "Maybe wehould sleep on it." "Want to watch some porn first?" "No." "Why not?" "I'm drunk in b in a hotel room with my brother, and you want to know why I don't want to watcporn?" "Okay." "Okay,I get it." "You don't want to watch porn." "Mind if I watch?" "So they both justup and I ." " Yeah." " Those boneless chickens." "They'll be back." "They just have to get used to the way things are now." " Damn right." " Girl power,my bitches." "Hey,Berta,why don't you whip us up some French toast to celebrate?" "Or,uh,we could do it." "Good plan... my bitches." "Hell anybody home?" "In here." "Oh,what a nice surprise." "Good morning,ladies." "Berta." "Botox." "So where are the boys this morning?" "********" "Oh,really?" "Well,what about Alan?" "Oh,Alan's toocheap fo" "I see.And what brought this on?" "A lot of macho nonsense." "Mm,and Alan?" "Just nonsense." "No kidding." "Well,I'm glad to see you didn't let them get away with it." " ank you." " Thank you." "And I'm doubly pleased that you two have managed to put aside your somewhat distastefulistory and bond the way you obviously have." "What distasteful history?" "Oh,come on, let them make my breakfast first." "Whatre you talking about,Evelyn?" "A lot of women might resent thformer lover of their fianc?" "living in the same house as them." "It ain't me,start cooking." "You and Charlie?" "st one little weekend." "But believe me,if I knew what kind of man he was, ****" "What's that supposed to mean?" " Oh,he's fine for you." " Fine for me?" "Well,I've got an early meeting." "Nice to see you girls." "Why didn't you tell m!" "I thought you were my friend!" "I'm your friend?" "Hey,if it weren't for me, your ass would've been gone a long time ago..." "I believe the balance of power is restored." " Than,Mom." " Thank you." "You owe me large." "All right,sweetheart, I think yore overreacting, but if youant to spend the night in a hotel that's fine." "Hey,you want me to come over for a quickie?" "Kidding." "Love you." "Damn." "Hey,at least Chelsea's coming back." "Melissa said she'll never set foot in th house again." "All's well that ends well,huh?" "Bite me." "Oh,come on,the important thing is,we got the house back." "And wee once again kings of the castle." "That's true." "Hey,Celeste and I are going be studying in my room." "Okay." "Oh,right." "Set another place for dinner." "She's going to be joining us." "ne." "Also,she's a vegetarian, so no meat." "Got it." " Come on,Jake." " Coming." "Kings of the castle,my s." "We're whipped unto the third generation."