"I can't believe we've never done this." "It's so good!" "It's so good for Monica." "Time's up!" "My turn." "That was half an hour?" "It's your timer." "I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages." "All right, then massage me up right nice!" "It's so good, isn't it?" "I don't know what I did to deserve it." "Say goodbye to sore muscles!" "Goodbye, muscles!" "The One with Joey's Bag" "English Subtitles by GELULA  CO., INC." "She gives the worst massages ever!" "It was like she was torturing me for information." "I wanted to give it up." "I just didn't know what it was!" "If it hurts that bad, you should tell her." "For the first time, I'm in a real relationship." "I won't screw that up by telling the truth." "Dude, look out!" "You almost crushed my hat." "Sorry." "And the bunny got away." "This would be the place where you explain the hat." "There's this play, right?" "I'm up for the part of this cool, suave, international guy." "A clothes horse, so I figure..." "... everyoneattheauditionwill  wear ultra-hip, high fashion stuff." "And you'll make them disappear?" "Like you could find something this sophisticated." "Done!" "If you want to look good, come to the store." "I'll help you." "Thanks!" "Sure." "Please, take those off!" "Hey, Pheebs." "How's it going?" "Only okay." "Because I just got back from the hospital." "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "But my grandma sort of died." "Pheebs, sorry." "It's okay." "She had a really incredible life." "It's not like I won't see her again." "She'll visit." "Maybe she's with us right now." "Right." "She's on a new spiritual plain and she'll come to the coffeehouse." "I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside!" "Pheebs' grandmother just died." "Oh, my God!" "I'm so sorry." "Actually, it's kind of cool." "Because it's like..." "... .youknow,one lifeends  and another begins." "Not the way they're doing it." "What happened?" "How did she die?" "We were in the market..." "... andshebentdowntogetsomeyogurt and never came back up again." "I'm so sorry." "The last thing she said was:" ""You get the eggs, I'll get the yogurt, and we'll meet at the checkout counter. "" "You know what?" "We will meet at the checkout counter." "Since you're returning all this stuff..." "... you'llhaveto wearunderwear." "All right." "You'd better show me that too." "It's missing something." "Really?" "A purse?" "It's not a purse." "It's a shoulder bag." "It looks like a woman's purse." "Trust me, all the men are carrying them in the spring catalog." "See, look." "Men carrying the bag." "See, look." "Women carrying the bag." "But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man." "Exactly." "Unisex!" "Maybe you need sex." "I had sex a couple days ago." "No, Joey." "U-N-l sex." "I ain't going to say no to that!" "Who is it?" "It's Phoebe." "Oh, great!" "Oh, you." "What's up?" "Well, I sort of have some bad news." "Can I come in?" "No, thanks." "Grandma died today." "Didn't she die like five years ago?" "No, she just died today." "We're having a memorial service tomorrow." "Okay, I know I went to that already." "No, you didn't!" "Then who's been dead?" "Lots of people!" "Look, are you coming or not?" "I thought she was dead, so I've made my peace." "Plus I'm going to a concert." "I'd invite you, but I only have two tickets left." "Fine." "Okay, enjoy your concert." "Thanks." "Enjoy your funeral!" "You look just like your son, Mrs. Tribbiani." "What?" "Are you referring to my man's bag?" "I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too." "It's got compartments for your wallet, keys, address book... ." "Your makeup." "What are you doing?" "The audition's tomorrow." "Yeah, but sandwich time is right now." "You get mustard on that bag, you can't return it." "Why would I return this?" "I love this bag!" "All right, then you owe me $350." "Fine." "Do you take Vasa or Mooster Card?" "Relax, I'll pay you with the money from the job I'll get." "Thanks to you." "What's the part?" "Auntie Mame?" "Don't listen to them." "I think it's sexy." "You-and-l sexy?" "Hello, Mrs. Pinilla." "Thank you for coming." "Here's your 3-D glasses." "Reverend Pong will say when to put them on." "Hi, sweetie." "How are you holding up?" "Fine." "Hey, Pheebs." "I'm so sorry." "You know what?" "My grandma had the exact same bag!" "I brought you flowers." "Oh, thanks!" "Pulling flowers out makes the bag look masculine." "Excuse me, is this the memorial?" "Welcome." "Here's your 3-D glasses." "All right." "So how did you know Frances?" "Actually, I hadn't seen her for years." "But I was pretty tight with her and her daughter." "What's your name?" "Frank Buffay." "You know what?" "Strike that." "My name, actually, is Joe." "Joe Hill." "You're Frank Buf" "No!" "Joe Hill." "You just said" "I got to go." "Thank you so much for coming." "Oh, my God!" "What happened?" "That was my dad." "Check it out!" "It's like it's coming right at me." "Did you catch him?" "What did he say?" "He said, "Nice to meet you, Glenda. "" "I couldn't give him my real name." "Why not?" "You saw the way he ran." "You think he'd talk to the daughter he abandoned?" "What did you say to him?" "I said I was the executor of the will and I needed to talk to him." "I'm going to meet him at the coffeehouse." "Could everyone take their seats?" "I just can't think about that now." "I want to say goodbye to my grandma." "Let's go say goodbye." "I'm off to my audition." "How do I look?" "Great!" "That bag will get you that part." "And a date with a man." "You know what?" "Make fun all you want." "This is a great bag." "And it's as handy as it is becoming." "Just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong." "You guys have to get used to the fact that Joey..." "I've got to meet my dad." "Will you tell him who you are?" "Not at first." "I don't want to freak him out." "But aren't you pissed at him?" "This guy abandoned you." "If it were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger." "I'd walk in there, I'd be like, "Yo, Dad!" "You and me, outside." "Right now! "" "I kind of scared myself." "Well, at least you scared someone." "You'd think I'd be angry." "You'd think I'd want to rip his tiny little head off!" "Fortunately, I'm past it." "You do seem a little tense." "Here, let me help you." "Get off!" "Stop it!" "Why are you doing that to me?" "What are you talking about?" "As a masseuse and a human..." "... I'mbeggingyou, never do that to anyone!" "I give good massages." "I gave them to Rachel before she got allergic." "And Chandler, he loves them!" "Watch." "He does not like it." "He's in pain!" "No, he's not." "Yes, he is!" "What?" "I'm sorry but" "You've been lying to me?" "I can't believe that." "Maybe he didn't want to hurt you." "But the minute we start to lie to each other" "And by "we" ..." "... Imeansociety." "Anytime you're ready." "Well, you must be new here." "Maybe we get a table, I buy you a drink." "Could you try it without the purse?" "Yeah, sure." "Well, you must be new here." "Maybe we sit" "Can I ask you something?" "Sure." "What?" "Well, first, it's not a purse." "Anytime." "If you think it's a woman's bag, it's not." "It's a man's bag." "Okay." "And go!" "Let me show you the catalog." "Look." "See?" "It's the latest thing." "Everyone's got one." "Men, women, children." "Do you sell these?" "No, these babies sell themselves." "Thank you." "That was great." "But I didn't read anything." "I think we've seen enough." "All right, I'll see you." "We got it." "We got it." "Is Rachel here?" "Listen, I just wanted to apologize about the whole massage thing." "I really like them." "Please stop!" "We're supposed to be honest." "I wish you could tell me, "I don't like your massages. "" "I don't like your massages." "See?" "It's no big deal." "But now you're crying!" "I'm not crying about that." "I'm crying about something at work." "My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages." "You don't have to be best at everything." "Oh, my God!" "You don't know me at all!" "You give the worst massages in the world." "I'm crying here!" "Look, hear me out." "You give the best bad massages." "If anybody was looking for the best bad massage..." "... andtheythought, "Who's the best?"" "They'd have to go to you." "So you're saying that if there was an award..." "... forthebestbad massage...." "Who would get that?" "It would be you!" "You, Monica!" "And you'd get all the votes." "So they could call the award, "The Monica"?" "Absolutely." "I suck!" "Thank you for meeting me." "Thank you." "Come sit." "Sit." "Sit!" "Alrighty." "Before we get started, I need you..." "... tostateforthe record that you are, in fact, Frank Buffay." "Yes, I am." "What did Frances leave me?" "That's why you wanted me to come." "Yes, she did." "She left you..." "... thislipstick." "It's used." "Cool!" "I have just a few questions to ask, so I'll get out my official forms." "So question one:" "You were married to Frances' daughter, Lilly." "Correct?" "Yes, I was." "Question two:" "Did that marriage end..." "A:" "Happily?" "B:" "Medium?" "Or C:" "ln the total abandonment..." "... ofherandher two children?" "It really says that?" "Yeah, see?" "I guess then I would have to say C." "Total abandonment." "Reasons for abandonment:" "A:" "Top secret government work." "B:" "Amnesia." "Or C:" "You're just a selfish, irresponsible..." "... bad,badman." "I don't want the lipstick that much." "Would you do me a favor?" "Would you give Lilly..." "... that,please?" "When you see Lilly, give her that note." "I wanted to talk to her at the memorial..." "... butI picturedhergettingmad the way you did, and I chickened out." "I wrote her a note." "Give it to her, please?" "But you came to see Lilly?" "Yeah." "Why?" "Lilly's dead." "She what?" "She's dead." "Are you sure?" "If she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake." "I can't believe this." "I just can't believe" "How?" "Oh, my God." "How long ago?" "1 7 years ago." "What about the girls?" "Well, Ursula is a waitress and she lives in Soho." "And Phoebe..." "... isonthiscouch." "Yep, lipstick and a daughter." "Big day for you!" "Phoebe, I... ." "It's just, I don't know what to say." "I just can't believe that you're my daughter." "You're so pretty." "Yes, well, that's neither here nor there." "Would it make you feel better if I said..." "... thatI wasvery,verysorryIleft ?" "It doesn't matter what you say." "It won't make a difference." "So you can just go." "Well, you know, in my defense, I was a lousy father." "That's your defense?" "Yes, it is." "I burned the formula, and I put your diapers on backwards." "I made up a song to sing to you, but that made you cry even more." "You make up songs?" "Well, no, just that one." "But it was stupid." "Let's see, how did it go?" "Sleepy girl, sleepy girl" "Why won 't you go to sleep?" "Sleepy girl, sleepy girl" "You're keeping me up" "I'm not very good at this." "Well, I am." "Not yet." "No." "How'd the audition go?" "Estelle said I didn't get it." "What?" "Why?" "Joey, you were so ready for it." "I thought so too..." "... butthecastingpeople had problems with me." "What kind of problem?" "To tell you the truth..." "... theyhadaproblemwith thebag!" "You know what?" "It was a stupid play anyway." "It's time to give up the bag." "I don't want to give up the bag." "I don't have to give it up, do I, Rach?" "You think I should give up the bag!" "Joey, I'm sorry." "As terrific as I think you are with it..." "... Ijustdon'tknowiftheworld is ready for you and your bag." "I can't believe this!" "Wait, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a bag." "There are other bags that are maybe a little less..." "... controversial." "Yeah, they're called wallets." "Guys, look!" "Ugly Naked Guy's putting stuff in boxes." "I'd say our naked buddy is moving." "Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled "Clothes. "" "I'm going to miss that big old squishy butt." "And we're done with the chicken fried rice." "If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place!" "It would be so cool to live across from you guys." "We could do that telephone thing..." "... whereyouhaveacan,  we have a can..." "... andit'sconnectedbya string." "Or we could do the actual telephone thing." "The One Where Everyone Finds Out" "English Subtitles by GELULA  CO., INC." "Oh, my God." "I love this apartment!" "Isn't it perfect?" "I can't believe I never realized how great it is!" "Because your eye goes to the big naked man." "It's amazing!" "Hurry up with an application, or I'll beat you to it." "Well, I'm going to use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom." "Look!" "There's Monica and Chandler." "Hey, you guys!" "Chandler and Monica!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my eyes!" "My eyes!" "It's okay!" "They're doing it!" "I know!" "I know!" "You know?" "Yes, I know it." "Joey knows, but Ross doesn't, so stop screaming!" "What's going on?" "What?" "Nothing!" "We are so excited that you'll get this apartment!" "Looks really good." "Looks pretty good!" "Get in here!" "Come on!" "You mean whenever Monica and Chandler..." "... weredoinglaundry or going grocery shopping?" "The time Monica spent on the phone with Linda from camp?" "Doing it, doing it, phone, doing it." "I can't believe it!" "I think it's great." "For him." "She could do better." "Hey, you guys." "Come here!" "Phoebe found out about Monica and Chandler." "You mean how they're friends and nothing more?" "Joey, she knows." "We saw them doing it through the window." "Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window." "So they know you know, and they don't know Rachel knows?" "Yes, but it doesn't matter who knows what." "Now enough of us know that we could just tell them we know." "All the lying and the secrets will finally be over." "Or, we could not tell them we know, and have a little fun." "What do you mean?" "If they say they are doing laundry, we'll give them laundry to do." "I would enjoy that." "You know what would be even more fun?" "Telling them." "No, I want to do Phoebe's thing." "I can't take" "You don't have to do anything." "Just don't tell them we know." "I can't take anymore secrets." "I got your secrets, their secrets, secrets of my own." "You don't have any secrets." "Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal." "How are we going to mess with them?" "You could use your position as the roommate." "And I would use the strongest tool at my disposal." "My sexuality." "Hello, children." "Watch." "Learn." "And don't eat my cookie." "That jacket looks great on you." "Really?" "The material is so soft." "Hello, Mr. Bicep." "You're working out?" "I try to squeeze things." "Are you okay?" "If you really want to know" "I can't tell you this." "You can tell me anything." "Actually, you are the one person I can't tell this to." "And the one person I want to the most." "What's going on?" "I just haven't been with a guy in so long..." "... andsometimesyou're looking for something..." "... andit'srightthere in front of you, sipping coffee... ." "Oh, no." "Have I said too much?" "Just something to think about." "I know I will." "You are so cute." "How did you get to be so cute?" "My grandfather was Swedish." "And my grandmother was a tiny little bunny." "Now you're even cuter." "You know, that is a popular opinion today, I must say." "The weirdest thing happened at the coffeehouse." "Phoebe was hitting on me." "What are you talking about?" "I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy." "It's not possible." "I'm sorry, Phoebe's just always thought you were charming..." "... ina sexlesskindofway." "You know, I can't hear that enough." "I just think you misunderstood her." "I didn't, okay?" "She was all over me." "She touched my bicep, for crying out loud." "This bicep?" "Well, it's not flexed right now." "Mon, you want to come see a movie with us?" "Actually, I was going to do some laundry." "Want to do it with me?" "Sure, I'll do it with you." "Okay, great." "Hold on a second." "Here you go." "That would really help me out a lot." "Thanks." "You know what?" "I don't have enough quarters." "I have quarters!" "Hey, any word on the apartment yet?" "I called there, and it turns out Naked Guy is subletting it." "He's already had 1 00 applicants." "No, I've got the edge." "It's not exactly ethical, but I sent him a bribe..." "... totipthescalesinmy direction." "You can see it from the window." "Is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?" "That new mountain bike?" "What did you send?" "A basket of mini muffins." "There's a whole table of them." "Which one did you send?" "The small one." "You actually thought that basket was going to get you the apartment?" "Someone sent us a basket at work, and people went crazy over those muffins." "It was the best day." "Your work makes me sad." "Oh, man, I want that place so much!" "And I was so sure that was going to work." "There's 1 2 bucks I'll never see again." "We'd better go if we want to catch that movie." "Bye." "Bye, Chandler." "I miss you already." "Did you see that?" "The inappropriate, and the pinching?" "Actually, I did." "So do you believe that she's attracted to me?" "Oh, my God!" "She knows about us!" "Are you serious?" "She knows, and she's trying to freak us out!" "That's the only explanation!" "But what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps?" "She knows!" "Phoebe knows about us." "I didn't tell them!" "Them?" "Who's "them"?" "Phoebe and Joey." "And Rachel." "I would have told you, but I promised not to tell." "I'm sorry." "But it's over now, right?" "You can tell them you know they know, and I can go back to knowing nothing!" "Unless" "Not "unless" !" "This must end now!" "They think they are so slick messing with us." "But they don't know that we know that they know." "So" "The messers become the messees!" "Honey, you got to stop torturing yourself." "Why don't you find another apartment?" "I've already looked at 1 000 apartments this month." "None of them even compares to that one." "You know what?" "You should find out his hobbies and use that to bond with him." "Like if I wanted something from Joey..." "... Iwouldstrikeupa conversation about sandwiches..." "... ormyunderwear." "I'm listening." "That is a great idea!" "And I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for five years." "So that gives me back my edge!" "Let's see now." "He had the trampoline." "He broke that." "He had gravity boots." "He broke those too." "So he likes to break stuff." "I've got to go pick up Ben." "But I will figure something out." "Didn't he used to have a cat?" "I wouldn't bring that up." "It would bum him out." "Poor cat never saw that big butt coming." "Hold on a second, she's right here." "It's Chandler." "Hello, you." "Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day." "You know that thing you said before?" "I was intrigued." "Really?" "Joey won't be here tonight." "Why don't you come over?" "I'll let you feel my bicep." "Or maybe more." "I'll have to get back to you on that." "He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!" "Are you kidding?" "I cannot believe he would do that to Mon" "Joey?" "Do they know that we know?" "They know you know." "I knew it!" "I cannot believe those two!" "They thought they could mess with us?" "Trying to mess with us?" "They don't know that we know they know we know." "Joey, you can't say anything." "Couldn't if I wanted to." "Good evening, sir." "I'm Ross Geller." "I'm one of the applicants." "I realize that the competition is fierce but... ." "I'm sorry, I can't help but notice that you're naked." "I applaud you." "Man, I wish I was naked." "I mean, this looks so great." "That is how God intended it." "Look." "They're panicked!" "They'll totally back down." "If he wants a date, he's going to get a date." "I'm going to go in." "Be sexy." "Please." "I'd love to come by tonight." "Really?" "Absolutely." "Say, around seven?" "I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse." "Hey, check it out!" "Naked Guy's got a naked friend." "Oh, my God!" "That's our friend!" "It's Naked Ross!" "Showtime!" "Rachel, get me perfume." "Joey, can you get me a bottle of wine and glasses?" "Make her think you want to have sex with her and it will freak her out." "How far would I have to go with her?" "She'll give in way before you do." "How do you know?" "Because you're on my team." "My team always wins." "At this?" "Just go get some!" "Go!" "Now, I'm going to try to listen from right here." "Oh, wait." "Good idea." "Don't give away the farm." "Come on in." "I was going to." "I brought some wine." "Would you like some?" "Sure." "So here we are." "Nervous?" "Me?" "No." "You?" "I want this to happen." "So do I." "I'm going to put on some music." "Maybe I'll dance for you." "You look good." "Thanks." "You know, when you say things like that, it makes me..." "... wanttoripthat sweater vest right off." "Why don't we move into the bedroom?" "Really?" "Do you not want to?" "First I want to take off all my clothes..." "... andhaveyourub lotiononme ." "That would be nice." "I'll go get the lotion." "It's way out of hand." "She wants me to put lotion on her!" "She's bluffing!" "She's not backing down." "She went like this" "He's not backing down." "He went to get lotion." "Aren't you guys done yet?" "I want to sit in my chair!" "The sooner Phoebe breaks him, the sooner it's over and out in the open." "I like that." "Show him your bra." "He's afraid of bras." "Can't work them." "You didn't rip off any buttons." "It's not my first time." "Go back there and seduce her till she cracks!" "Give me a second." "Did you clean up in here?" "Of course!" "You're going?" "Not without you, lover." "So, this is my bra." "It's very, very nice." "Well, come here." "I'm very happy we're going to have all the sex." "You should be." "I'm very bendy." "I'll kiss you now." "Not if I kiss you first." "I guess there's nothing left for us to do but kiss." "Here it comes." "Our first kiss." "You win!" "I can't have sex with you!" "And why not?" "I'm in love with Monica!" "You're what?" "Love her!" "I love her!" "I love her!" "I love you, Monica." "I love you too, Chandler." "I thought you were doing it." "I didn't know you were in love!" "Dude!" "Hats off to Phoebe." "Quite a competitor." "May I say your breasts are still showing?" "God." "All right!" "So that's it?" "It's over." "Everybody knows!" "Actually, Ross doesn't." "We'd appreciate it if no one told him yet." "A new place for a new Ross." "I'll have you and the guys from work over, once it's furnished." "It's nice to see you back on your feet." "I am that, and the whole rage thing is definitely behind me." "I wonder if it's time for you to rejoin our museum team?" "That would be great." "I am totally ready to come back to work." "What are you doing?" "Get off my sister!" "Chandler!" "Chandler!" "I saw what you were doing in the window!" "I saw what you're doing to my sister!" "Get out here!" "Listen, we had a good run." "What was it?" "Four, five months?" "That's more than most people have in a lifetime." "Goodbye." "What are you doing?" "I am going on the lam." "Come on, Chandler." "I can handle Ross." "Hold on!" "Hey, Ross." "What's up, bro?" "What the hell are you doing?" "What's going on?" "I think Ross knows about me and Monica." "Dude, he's right there." "I thought you were my best friend!" "This is my sister!" "My best friend and my sister!" "I cannot believe this!" "We're not just messing around." "I love her." "I'm in love with her." "I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way." "I'm sorry, but it's true." "I love him too." "My best friend and my sister!" "I cannot believe this!" "You guys want to probably get some hugs in too." "Big news!" "We've actually known for a while." "What?" "You guys knew?" "You all knew and you didn't tell me?" "We were worried about you." "We didn't know how you were going to react." "You were worried about me?" "You didn't know how I'd react?" "Okay." "All right." "Let's clear out of here and let these love birds get back to business." "I'm just talking here." "He's the one doing your sister." "The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey" "English Subtitles by GELULA  CO., INC." "You know what I just realized?" "If you guys have kids" "We're having kids?" "I call godfather!" "You can't just call godfather." "Shouldn't her brother be godfather?" "Sure." "If you cared enough to call it first." "You're a few steps ahead of us." "Big zero gravity moon steps." "I just thought of the greatest wedding gift." "I'll go in on that with you." "I couldn't decide." "Hey, Katie." "This is Katie." "You ready to go?" "I'll run to the bathroom." "Where's lunch?" "I was thinking Chinese food." "I love Chinese!" "How did you know I love Chinese?" "She is so cute." "You could fit her in your pocket." "I don't know." "I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but... ." "But what?" "She keeps punching me." "In the cute little, sweet way she just did?" "It's a lot harder than it looks." "She's hurting me." "I know what you need." "You need a bodyguard." "What is Ben doing after preschool?" "Joey is having a problem." "A little girl is beating him up." "Joey, come here." "Honey, I know." "This must be really difficult for you, and" "I'm sorry, am I hurting you?" "I brought you some housewarming gifts." "Salt, so your life always has flavor." "Bread, so you never go hungry." "And a scented candle for the bathroom." "Because, well, you know." "Thanks." "Thanks." "And thanks, I guess." "Welcome." "I'm Steve Cera, President of the tenants' committee." "Ross Geller." "And this is my friend Phoebe." "Mr. President." "I came to talk to you about Howard." "He is the handyman who's retiring next week." "Everyone who lives here is kicking in $1 00 as a kind of a thank you." "That's nice." "Want to give me a check?" "Not now." "You can slip it under my door." "No, it's not that." "I just moved in." "Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years." "Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes." "Okay, I get it." "Wait!" "Look, I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard." "I mean, I don't know Howard." "Howard's the handyman." "Yes, but to me he's just "man. "" "Okay." "Fine." "Whatever." "Welcome to the building." "Can you believe that guy?" "I really like his glasses." "So then President Steve told everyone I was a cheapskate..." "... andnowthewholebuildinghates me." "A little kid spit on my knee." "You know what?" "I'll throw a party." "For everyone in the building." "And I'll sit them all down and explain that I am not a bad guy." "I am not a cheap guy." "I'm just a guy..." "... whostandsup  for what he believes in." "A man with principles." "Sounds like a fun party." "If you want them to like you, why don't you just pay the $1 00?" "The party will cost you more." "That doesn't matter!" "It's my principles!" "We're talking about my principles!" "I thought it was about your neighbors liking you." "They'll like me once they come to my awesome par-tay." "I gotta get some name tags." "And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law." "Very funny." "But don't say that to Monica." "Don't put any ideas in her head." "You do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head?" "Why?" "Well, because she loves you and because you love her." "Yeah, so?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Don't freak out!" "I'm telling you something you already know." "She left Richard because he didn't want to have babies." "And she is a woman." "And she's almost 30." "And, you know, it's Monica." "I don't see it that way." "I see two Monicas:" "My friend who lives across the hall and wants a lot of babies." "And the new Monica who I started to date." "Now, who is to say what she wants?" "I'm right." "Am I right?" "You're right." "You're absolutely right." "That makes everything different." "It's not different, is it?" "Not unless "different" means the same." "You were so funny with that waiter." "You're such a nut!" "You know, breadstick fangs are always funny." "No, you make them funny." "You're the funny one!" "Look, Katie." "Listen, we need to talk, okay?" "Look, I like you." "I really do." "I like you a lot." "But sometimes when you playfully punch me like that..." "... itfeelslikeI'm beinghit with a very tiny but a very real bat!" "Like I could hurt you." "Are you making fun of my size?" "Don't make fun of me because of my size!" "Isn't this great?" "Couldn't you just stay like this forever?" "Couldn't you just stay here forever?" "Yeah, here, somewhere else." "You know, wherever." "Are you okay?" "I'm cool." "Casual." "What are you doing?" "Just hanging out." "Having fun with the girl that I'm seeing casually." "Man, I knew it!" "I knew you'd do this." "Get all freaked out because everybody was joking about marriage!" "Well, you do want all that stuff, right?" "You know what I want?" "Yes!" "You want babies!" "You have baby fever!" "I do not have baby fever!" "You're obsessed with babies and marriage..." "... andeverythingthat's related to babies and marriage." "Why don't we turn the heat down on this pressure cooker!" "Have you lost your mind?" "This isn't about me." "This is about you and your weird commitment crap!" "I know you." "I know the thoughts that you have in your head." "You don't know everything." "Did you know I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you?" "And that the only baby here is you?" "Did you know I can't even look at you now?" "I did not know that." "It'll be okay, right?" "She won't leave me." "This is fixable." "Yeah, sure." "Absolutely." "By me?" "Unless you make some big gesture." "Big, though." "The missus!" "Gunther, can I get a coffee?" "To go." "I still don't want to talk to you." "Tell me how to make things right." "That's what we do." "I mess up, you tell me how to fix it and I do." "And then you think I'm cute again." "I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor." "Figure this out for yourself." "If you're afraid of a real relationship..." "... thendon'tbe in one." "Howard!" "Howard!" "Howard!" "Hi, Ross!" "What are you doing here?" "I thought this was your party, and it's a party for Howard." "He's the sweetest little man." "See you, Phoebe." "And thanks for chipping in." "Oh, sure." "You chipped in?" "Yeah, $1 00." "I can't believe you gave him money." "I thought you agreed it was unreasonable that they asked me for that money." "But they didn't ask me." "I'm just the exotic, generous stranger." "That's always fun to be." "But you're making me look bad." "No, I'm not!" "If anything, I'm making you look better." "They'll see you talking to me." "I'm a hit." "Hey, Pheebs!" "Hey, Ross." "Maybe you two could switch apartments." "Because Phoebe is more our kind of people." "Think about it." "Okay, my bad." "You look big." "Thanks, I've been working out." "Listen, is it obvious I'm wearing six sweaters?" "But it's not obvious why." "I'm breaking up with Katie, so I put on some extra padding." "If she hits me when she is happy, can you imagine how hard she'll hit..." "... whenI takeawaythe Joeylove ?" "Hey, cute jacket." "Thanks." "That's so sweet!" "Ouch!" "Did Joey tell you to say that?" "You guys are too much!" "You know what?" "I got to tell you..." "... Ithinkyou'rethe one  that is too much." "Joey has the nicest friends." "And the nicest girlfriend." "You're so sweet!" "You're so sweet!" "She just kicked me." "Aren't you going to do something?" "Do something or I'll walk out that door right now." "Are you going to?" "This is a disaster." "Can't I please just go?" "I'm talking you up to people." "Give it some time, relax." "Get something to eat." "What did you tell them about me?" "I told them about you and Emily." "Trying to get some sympathy." "But you came off as the bad guy." "I told it wrong." "We should talk about that, because I don't understand what happened there." "This cake is really good!" "Things are looking up." "Oh, my God!" "Someone cut Howard's cake!" "Who would do a thing like that?" "3-B." "You got your free food." "You ruined everyone's fun." "Isn't it time you went home?" "Go back to 3-B, 3-B." "Everyone, calm down!" "I have something that I'd like to say." "Who here likes Ross?" "Of course you don't like him." "He didn't give you any money." "He raised his own hand when I asked, "Who likes Ross?"" "And he's wearing two name tags." "I'll be honest." "When I first met Ross, I didn't like him at all." "Once I got to know him, I saw that he is really sweet..." "... andcaringandverygenerous." "All I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him." "You know, I like all of you guys now." "But when I first met you, you know?" "Kurt?" "I thought, abrasive drunk." "Lola?" "Mind-numbingly stupid." "You guys." "Gold digger, cradle-robbing perv." "So I think you all know what I mean." "Obviously, I didn't think they would throw things." "I thought if I kept insulting them you'd defend them." "Then you'd look like the hero." "See, I did not get that." "Where's Monica?" "I need to talk to her, it's urgent." "I'm Monica." "I need to talk to you." "It's urgent." "I've been thinking..." "... aboutus." "Alot of" us "thinking." "I guess there's only one way to do this." "What are you doing?" "Don't do it." "Will you marry me?" "What a bad idea." "I can't not look at it." "Why are you doing this?" "I don't know." "But I know I'm not afraid to do this." "I'm doing this because I'm sorry?" "Do you think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?" "The best reason is pregnancy." "Sorry is fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married." "Will you be my wife?" "I want you to take a minute and think about how ridiculous this sounds." "I'm kind of wishing everyone wasn't here now." "None of that came from me." "I never said I wanted to have babies and get married!" "I was really confused." "Then I talked to these guys." "Who?" "Two divorces and Joey?" "She's right, you know?" "Yeah, but still, cheap shot!" "You know when I said that I want you..." "... todealwithrelationshipstuff all on your own?" "You're not ready." "I didn't think I was!" "Oh, my God." "What would you have done if I had said yes?" "I would've been happy because..." "... Iwouldspendthe restof my life with the woman I love." "Or you would have seen a Chandler-shaped hole in that door." "Will you pass that knife?" "No, I will not." "You don't have to be mean about it." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "Will you marry me?" "I was going to ask you to marry me because I didn't say hello to you." "Or ask them to move in with you." "But I'm not sure." "Chandler?" "How long is this going to go on?" "I think the length of teasing..." "... isdirectlyrelatedtohowinsane you were." "So, a long time." "This is fun!" "Remember that "we were on a break" thing?" "I'm sorry." "Will you marry me?" "That's not funny." "What are you guys doing up?" "Finishing the crossword." "Do you know a six-letter word for "red"?" "Dark-red." "Wrong, but there's a connect-the-dots in here for you later." "Hey, how about maroon?" "Yes!" "You are so smart!" "You guys are so cute." "I know." "See you in the morning." "I love doing crossword puzzles with you." "Me too." "Now let's finish this and go to bed." "Only one left." "Three-letter word." "Not dog, but... ." "Cat." "You are so smart!" "I love you." "I love you too." "The One with a Cop" "English Subtitles by GELULA  CO., INC." "We still need a tip." "All right." "Hold on." "I got it." "Nickel." "How much do we need?" "Couple of bucks." "Okay, dime." "You guys keep talking." "This could take a while." "Wait, look it!" "This is a police badge!" "Cool." "But why would a cop come in here?" "They don't serve doughnuts." "Can you discover the badge again?" "I can do better than that." "I bet somebody's missing that badge." "I should take it back." "But at the police station..." "... I'llchecktheir Ten Most Wanted." "My friend's been Number 1 1 forever." "This could be her year!" "Hey, you guys." "Hey, Joey." "Is that my sweatshirt?" "Yes, it is." "I'm sorry." "I was cold." "I hope it's okay." "It's just that if you wear someone's sweatshirt..." "... shouldn'titbe yourboyfriend's?" "And I'm not him." "I'm sorry." "I'll give it back." "It's going to be all smelling like Monica." "Do I smell bad?" "You smell like a meadow." "I'm sorry." "What's with him?" "The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter." "I still don't know." "I want to make sure I bought the right couch, one that says..." "... " Kidswelcomehere," but that also says..." "... " Comehereto me ."" "What?" "You say that to kids?" "The "Come here to me" is, you know, for the ladies." "Honey, it's a nice couch, not a magic couch." "Well, you picked a great couch." "Sign here please." "Sure." "The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!" "That's ridiculous." "He lives three blocks away." "I'll take it myself." "Thank you." "All right, Rach, come on." "Let's go." "Are you kidding?" "Come on." "It's only three blocks." "It's not very heavy." "Try it." "Oh, I can do it." "You two will really enjoy that couch." "We're not together." "Something didn't quite add up there." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, you." "Her." "I mean, she's very..." "... youknow." "And you're, like..." "... youknow?" "Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out." "Really?" "You two?" "I don't want to do this now." "I'm carrying a heavy couch." "Then tell him quickly." "Fine." "We went out." "Not only did we go out..." "... wedidit 298times!" "You kept count?" "You are such a loser!" "A loser you did it with 298 times!" "Excuse me, ma'am." "You can't put your cigarette out on a tree." "Yeah, I can." "It worked well." "But you shouldn't." "So don't ever do that again." "I won't till I have my next cigarette." "Hold it!" "NYPD." "Freeze, punk!" "That's right." "You are so busted." "Book them." "Who are you talking to?" "Save it, red!" "Apologize to the tree or spend the night in the slammer." "I am not apologizing to a tree." "Apologize to the tree now, or I am calling for backup." "Backup!" "Backup!" "I'm sorry!" "Sorry!" "Okay, cancel backup!" "Cancel backup!" "Didn't you say there was an elevator in here?" "Yes, I did, but there isn't." "Here we go!" "Okay, go left." "Left." "Left." "Okay, you know what?" "There's no more left left." "Lift it straight up over your head." "Straight up." "You can do it!" "You can do it!" "Okay." "You got it?" "Go, go." "Good, good." "You got it, right?" "You got it, right?" "You got" "Any chance you think it looks good there?" "This guy was all... ." "And I'm all, "Buffay!" "Homicide! "" "It was just so cool!" "You were supposed to take it back." "I'm having fun doing good deeds." "You can get arrested for impersonating a police officer." "You could get arrested right now!" "I'd better take it back." "I'm totally drunk with power." "Yeah." "I didn't know you guys would be here." "Do me a favor." "Taste this." "What?" "Why?" "What is with you?" "Nothing." "You're acting strange." "All right." "There is something." "I kind of had a dream." "But I don't want to talk about it." "What if Martin Luther King had said that?" "I kind of have a dream." "I don't want to talk about it." "Look, it involved Monica." "You dreamt about the girl I'm seeing?" "Cool." "I dreamt about the girls he was seeing." "Let's talk about your dream." "I love you." "Your dream?" "There was no sex." "I haven't dreamt of her like that..." "... sinceI foundout about you two-ish." "What was the dream about?" "You were my girlfriend." "We were doing the crossword puzzle." "Like you did last night." "That's it." "I'm in love with Monica." "I'll move out." "Joey, come on." "That doesn't mean you're in love with me." "It doesn't?" "It could mean anything." "Like..." "... you'rejealousthatI'vebecome the apartment stud." "Sounds like your dream." "Or it could mean you saw Chandler and me being close and stuff..." "... andyouwantthattoo." "In the dream I did enjoy the closeness." "Are you attracted to Monica?" "Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?" "Not really." "There you have it!" "Well, sure!" "I'm just wearing sweats!" "But that's good!" "You're not in love with me." "You just want a girlfriend." "It's not just about getting a girlfriend." "I could get a girlfriend." "We could sit and do crossword puzzles." "But could we have the closeness like you have?" "Monica and I were friends before we dated." "Maybe that's it." "Friends first?" "That's interesting." "You become friends after?" "No, never done that either." "Do you guys have the tape measure?" "Yeah." "It's actually in my bedroom." "That's right." "What's up, Joey?" "How you doing?" "Excuse me." "Is this your car?" "Don't park here." "You're blocking the entrance." "Don't worry." "It's not a problem." "It's a problem for me, so it's a problem for you because I'm a cop." "So am I." "Okay." "So you're a cop." "You can park anywhere." "I know because I'm a cop too." "Keep up the good work." "Ten four." "Wait." "So what precinct are you with?" "I'm with the 57th." "I know a guy in Homicide up there." "I'm in Vice." "In fact, I'm undercover right now." "I'm a whore." "Who else is in Vice there?" "Do you know..." "... Sipowitz?" "Sipowitz?" "I don't think so." "Yeah." "Sipowitz." "Yeah." "Big guy, kind of bald." "I don't know him." "Don't try to call him." "He's not there." "He's out." "His partner just died." "Tell Sipowitz I'm real sorry for his loss." "I sure will." "Take care." "By the way, Sipowitz will be all right." "That kid from Silver Spoons is really good." "Where'd you find my badge?" "Could you give me and Ross a hand moving his couch?" "I'd love to but I got acting class." "But you know what?" "I guess I could blow that off..." "... oryou." "Let me ask you something." "I was talking with Monica and Chandler." "Boy, they are really tight." "I know." "That's not a bad situation they got there." "Think I'll get me one of those." "What's up, Joe?" "I think Monica and Chandler are so great..." "... becausetheywerefriendsfirst." "So I asked myself, who are my friends?" "You and Phoebe." "I saw you first, so... ." "What are you saying?" "Maybe you and I crank it up a notch." "You know, honey..." "... asflatteredas Iam..." "... thatyousawmefirst..." "... Ijustdon'tthinkweshouldbe cranking anything up." "I'll treat you real nice." "Yeah." "Well, you know... ." "I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date." "But the way you do it is you meet someone, become their friend..." "... builda foundation, then ask them out on a date." "Don't hit on your existing friends." "Won't that take longer?" "Oh, but once you find it..." "... it'ssoworththe wait." "I understand." "Good." "Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first." "Come here to me." "No, no." "You come here to me." "I brought reinforcements." "Great!" "You brought Joey?" "The next best thing." "You brought Chandler?" "The next best thing would be Monica!" "I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so... ." "I drew a sketch of how we'll do it." "Rach, that's you." "That's the couch." "What's that?" "That's me." "Certainly think a lot of yourself." "No." "That's my arm." "I see." "I thought you just really, really liked your new couch." "Just follow my lead." "Come on, Chandler." "All right." "Okay." "Here we go." "All right." "Ready?" "Turn!" "Turn!" "Turn!" "I don't think we can turn anymore!" "I don't think it'll fit!" "Yeah, it will." "Come on!" "Up, up, up!" "Up!" "Yes!" "Here we go!" "Pivot!" "Pivot!" "Pivot!" "Pivot!" "Pivot!" "Pivot!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "I don't think it'll pivot anymore." "You think?" "All right, let's bring it back down and try again." "I think it's really stuck now." "I can't believe that didn't work." "I know." "Me neither." "I mean, you had a sketch." "What did you mean when you said "pivot"?" "How's it going?" "Make any new friends?" "Yeah." "I met this woman." "What's she like?" "Well, she's..." "... reallygoodin bed." "You were going to be friends first." "Hey, it's all your fault." "Why?" "You didn't give me advice." "You gave me a pickup line." "I told her I wanted to "build a foundation and be friends. "" "Suddenly, through no fault of my own, I became irresistible to her!" "And her roommate!" "What about the "closeness"?" "Closeness, schmosness!" "There was three of us, for crying out loud!" "Who wants pizza?" "I do!" "I do!" "I do!" "This is great!" "Can you believe I found it on the second floor?" "Who is it?" "NYPD." "Oh, my God!" "Just a minute, officer!" "I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay." "My God, it's him!" "It's that cop!" "I can't believe he found me!" "Are you going to go to jail?" "If I go down, you guys go down with me." "Harboring a fugitive?" "That's one-to-three years minimum." "Good luck, Chandler." "Arrest me, but you'll never make it stick and you know it." "I have no choice, it's my job." "You understand, right?" "And you understand that I'm calling my lawyer." "And once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool!" "I don't like looking foolish." "Maybe I don't arrest you today." "Maybe I came by and you weren't here." "I'd love it if I weren't here!" "Since you're not going to jail tonight, I was wondering if you'd..." "... liketogo to dinnerwithme?" "Me?" "Ever since you flashed my badge, I can't stop thinking about you." "You're the prettiest fake undercover whore I've ever seen." "Nice." "Wow, I didn't see that coming." "You're asking me out." "I could've done it better, but they're staring at me." "I'd like to go out with you, officer." "Gary." "Gary." "Okay, so it's a date." "I got to ask you, though." "How'd you find me?" "I ran your fingerprints through the computer." "This was listed as your last known address." "Impressive." "Not as impressive as you." "Your record shows you've done some weird stuff." "We'll talk at dinner." "So I'll come by and pick you up?" "I can't wait." "Don't worry, I won't just take you out for doughnuts." "He has a gun!" "I'd like to return this couch." "I'm not satisfied with it." "You want to return this couch?" "It's cut in half." "That's what I'm telling you." "Did you cut this couch in half?" "This couch is cut in half!" "I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half." "You're saying this couch was delivered to you like this?" "Look, I'm a reasonable man." "I will accept store credit." "I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars." "I will take it."