"¶¶" "Great news!" "Our couch problem is solved!" "What couch problem?" "Uh, the one that's got your knees up higher than when you're getting a pap smear." "So, Logan's remodeling her condo, and she's giving me her old couch!" "Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god..." "Help me up so I can be excited." "Okay." "Both:" "We're getting a new couch!" "And the best part is" "How can there be better parts?" "It's a-comin a-right a-now!" "Oh my god, do you love it?" "Oh my god, I hate it!" "What?" "Why?" "It's hideous." "It looks like the product of years of couch incest." "It's a-goin' a-back a-now!" "It's not going anywhere." "Do you understand that Logan is my boss?" "What if she comes over and the couch isn't here?" "What if anyone else comes over and the couch is here?" "Gabi..." "Logan picked me out of everyone in the office to give the couch to." "Sending it back would be a slap in her face." "But I don't want it!" "Well, (scoffs) I mean, I don't wanna be an assistant my entire life." "And when it comes time for a promotion, who do you think'll get it?" "The girl who rudely gave back the couch, or the girl who kept the couch, because it reflects on her boss' kindness and good taste?" "So you really think that... this couch is, uh... gonna get you a promotion?" "'Cause you know, that's really not how it works, Sofia." "Oh, Gabi, that's exactly how it works." "Before this, Logan and I had nothing in common." "Now we have the couch." "So, whenever we're alone, or in the bathroom, or there's a lull in conversation, she'll be like," ""How's the couch?"" "And I'll be like, "Oh, my god!" "We love it!"" "And she'll be like, "I knew you would." "You want a promotion?"" "And that, my friend, is how it works." "Okay, if it's that important to you, I guess we'll keep the couch, but just know that I hate it!" "Thank you!" "And one more thing, and you might not be interested in this, but, um... there is a matching ottoman." "(theme music playing)" "¶Shein thespotlight¶" "¶Andsheturnmyhead¶" "¶Sherunaredlight ¶" "¶' Causeshebadlikethat ¶" "¶I likethatooh baby, oohbaby,baby¶" "¶I likethatooh baby, oohbaby¶" "Okay... what's goin' on in here?" "I'm makin' freakin' fudge." "Well, why make fudge when you could have this white chocolate?" "Ugh!" "Come on, we haven't used the punch card in a week." "Which means I..." "had to punch myself." "All right, here's something that'll... keep you from thinkin' about sex." "Ooof." "What is that?" "What is that?" "That's a couch." "Digesting another couch?" "Sofia's boss dumped her crappy couch on us." "Oh!" "Well, you're in luck." "I just developed this new app for called "Crap4Cash."" "Hey... that's great," "I have a ton of crap and I need a ton of cash." "Everyone does, Gabi." "But what does everybody hate?" "Meeting the creep who bought your crap." "That's why I developed an anonymous delivery service that shows up so you don't have to meet the creep... who bought your crap." "My god!" "That's genius!" "Give me your phone, I'll put your couch on there." "No..." "I wish, but I can't sell it." "Well, you don't have to accept any bids." "I'll just show you how it works, give me your phone." "Oh... fudge!" "What" " What" " What-- What are you doing?" "Today is our first weigh-in at Fat Fighters." "Yeah, well, we're not there yet." "So, let me get this straight, you're taking the thing with the most fat in it to a diet center?" "No, I'm also taking Yolanda." "(cash register sound)" "What was that?" "That's the sound the app makes when someone bids on your crap." "Someone just offered you 500." "Dollars?" "Oh my god, that's with the photo?" "(cash register sound) -650!" "My god, are you kidding me?" "No, no, I can't sell it, I promised Sofia I wouldn't." "(cash register sound)" "Eight hund-oh!" "Sold!" "Oh my god... that's the rabbi from your wedding!" "Oh, Rabbi Shapiro." "Let's go say hi." "Oh" " Hell, no!" "Uh..." "I never told you this... but we hooked up on your wedding night." "You slept with him?" "Haven't the Jews suffered enough?" "Shut up!" "We were dating for a while, then suddenly he stopped calling." "I have no idea what happened." "I do." "You let him see you naked." "(indistinct) I'm outta here." "Oh, really?" "So you have no desire to rekindle with the rabbi?" "Damn right I don't." "Although he does look cute in that rabbi sweater." "Hello, everybody." "I am Ben Shapiro, a rabbi and a Fat Fighter counselor." "I went from wandering around the desert to wondering, "Where's dessert?" "He still makes me laugh." "Today's topic... emotions." "Instead of eating our feelings, we have to learn to express it." "Let it out!" "Why the hell you stop calling me?" "Yolanda?" "How are you?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "You can't eat that!" "Fatty says what?" "That's like 20 points!" "Oh!" "This is actually fat-free fudge!" "Want some, honey?" "Oh my god!" "Do you know how long I've been looking for a fat-free dessert that actually tastes good?" "Judging from your Cosby sweater, I'd say since the '90s." "Where did get this?" "I would pay a fortune for it." "Well, you would have to." "Because it's very, very hard to find." "Name your price, my husband's rich." "You're married?" "I had to break it off because there was no future." "Being with a non-Jewish woman would break my mother's heart." "But you know what?" "And I don't mind saying this in front of the entire group." "After seeing you again, and feeling, the way I feel right now, I am reminded of those very poignant words, you must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from." "Your only limit..." "is your soul." "Was that Gandhi?" "Ratatouille." "Oh, Sofia!" "I have a huge surprise." "Me, too!" "Okay, mine's more of a visual, so I'll go first." "Logan's coming over for dinner to see the couch!" "What?" "Yeah." "So get this, we were in the bathroom, and for the first time ever, there were no uncomfortable silences." "Why?" "Because we talked about the couch!" "And I was like, "Do you wanna come over and see the couch?"" "And she was all, "Sure, I'd love to."" "And... so now, she's coming over for dinner with me and the couch, which means the promotion can't be far off." "What's your surprise?" "Gabi, where's the couch?" "S" " Surprise." "Uh... where's the couch?" "Um..." "I turned it into $800." "You sold the couch?" "I didn't mean to." "Well, get it back!" "That might not be exactly possible, because I sold it on Josh's new app, "Crap4Cash,"" "where everything you sell is anonymous. so you never have to meet the creep who bought your crap!" "I cannot believe you," "I told you that this was my ticket in!" "Into what?" "Into... a promotion!" "Do you listen to anything I say?" "Like... do you even know that I wanna be a writer?" "I do now." "Oh my god!" "How am I even friends with you?" "Why am I even friends with you?" "I don't understand why you're getting so mad, I do bad stuff all the time!" "This isn't-- it's-- this isn't like any other time, Gabi, this is about my career!" "As a writer!" "Gabi, I told you how important this was to me and-- and... now I may never get a promotion, and not only that, come Monday," "I might not even have a job." "Sofia, I'm really sorry." "Oh my god, Gabi, you are always sorry." "You're always sorry." "How many more times are you gonna be sorry?" "One more." "That was rhetorical." "Rhetorical." "Hey, that's a good word for a writer." "I'm done." "We can still get the ottoman!" "Ohhh... you know, I never thought I'd be on a date at a Fat Fighters clinic." "Well, I was gonna take you to a nice restaurant, but I know how difficult it is to dine out when you start a new program." "Ohhh... and who knew you were such an amazing cook." "(both laugh)" "I mean..." "that five-point stuffing was mother-stuffing delicious!" "(both laugh)" "Thank you." "So how'd you end up workin' here anyway?" "Well, about a month ago, I was napping on my mom's couch, and it sorta kinda broke under my weight." "Oh, well, you won't break me, baby." "Promise?" "(phone ringing)" "Oh." "Oh, it's my mom." "(phone ringing)" "Should I send it to voice mail?" "Yeah, I'm gonna send that to voicemail." "Come here." "Oh." "Now I feel guilty." "Maybe I should call her back." "No." "I am not calling her back." "No." "Maybe just a text." "Aw." "No, not even a text." "Ugh..." "I'm sorry." "This can't be a turn on." "You got that right." "You know what?" "Screw this, Yolanda." "No... screw this Yolanda." "Oh, I intend to." "But first I have to tell you something." "Those two months we spent together were amazing." "I let you go once." "I'm not gonna make the same mistake again." "I'm gonna tell my mother about us." "You would risk your relationship with your mom for me?" "As the saying goes," ""Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing."" "Old Testament?" "FightClub." "(elevator dings)" "Hey, Yolanda." "I'm so glad you're here." "Uh, quick favor... can you tape me into this box?" "Sure, baby." "Let me ask you a question." "(laughs) You think I can impress my boyfriend's mama in this outfit?" "Uh..." "lose the cleavage." "You wanna tell me why I'm doin' this?" "I'm tryin' to find out where the Cash4Crap anonymous warehouse is so I can save my relationship with Sofia." "Okay." "You do you, girl." "(elevator dings)" "You got the stuff?" "Oh, I got the stuff." "You got the cash?" "Do I smell fudge?" "100 percent pure brown gold." "First taste is free." "I" " I" " I really shouldn't." "They're fat free." "Fat free?" "Son of a bitch!" "Devon!" "Jenny!" "Screw Fat Fighters." "Papa's getting liposuction." "(phone ringing)" "Hey!" "Gabi!" "Have you seen my desk chair?" "It was here last night." "Now it's gone, and there's a post-it note that says, "Thanks." "Gabi."" "Well..." "I'm, uh, kinda sitting in it right now." "Where are you?" "Here's the thing..." "I sold your chair on Crap4Cash so I could find out where the secret warehouse is." "What?" "Why didn't you sell something that was yours?" "Nobody wants anything I own!" "I'm sorry, I" " I" " I don't understand what you're doing." "Are you following the delivery truck?" "Not exactly." "Well, if you're not following the truck, how do you know where the" "You're sitting in the chair in a box in the back of the truck, aren't you?" "I had to do it, Josh." "It's the only way I could find out where the secret warehouse is, and fix my relationship with Sofia." "(truck gate opening)" "Shoot, someone's coming!" "Gotta go, nothing is impossible, bye!" "Hey, guys?" "Does the secret warehouse have a bathroom?" "Asked the chair..." "Okay." "I laid out all of my mom's favorite foods." "Oh, shoot, I forgot dessert." "She loves chocolate." "Let's hope so." "(knocking on door)" "Gabi?" "Rabbi Shapiro?" "Is your first name..." "Marilyn?" "Gabi." "Didn't I just pack you in a box?" "Yeah, that's why I'm here." "I" " I sold Sofia's couch, we had a huge fight, and I tracked it to this apartment, and now I really gotta get it back." "Oh, girl, I could've just driven you here." "Now!" "I know that now!" "Oh." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, this is Ben's mother's apartment, and we're about to tell her we're dating." "Oh, that's so cute, I didn't know you guys were" "Oh my god, my couch!" "She's here!" "Benny!" "What's, uh, what's-- what's happening?" "Your girlfriend is gorgeous!" "No..." "Ma... no." "Oh... no... oh, Mrs. Shapiro..." "A little young..." "but gorgeous." "Oh, uh, Mrs. Shapiro, I'm actually" "And look at that tuchus." "Sometimes God gives with two hands." "Ma" "Mrs." "Shapiro, really, I'm" " I'm actually just here because I really want" "Sweetie you give me a grandchild, you can have anything you want." "Can I have your couch?" "Anything!" "Oh!" "Benny!" "We're goin' off the pill!" "You made me the happiest woman on Earth!" "Are you gonna tell your mother I'm your girlfriend or not?" "I've never seen her so happy!" "Are you kidding me?" "All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "This time it's gonna require a little Schnapps." "I" " I thought you said she couldn't drink because of her high blood pressure?" "For me!" "It's for me!" "Oh." "I'm so happy to see you." "Oh, you think you're happy." "Benny never brought home a girl before." "And so blonde and beautiful." "I'd never know you're Jewish." "You are..." "Jewish, right?" "Yes!" "Yes, I'm" " I'm very Jewish, I'm like, uh... like, uh, Hanukkah, um, uh, Seth Rogen, deli platters!" "Ma, I got somethin' to tell ya." "That girl that you're talking to" "Is an angel!" "She's not my girlfriend." "What?" "This is my girlfriend." "Then who the hell's this?" "I'm" " I'm just a..." "poor little Jewish girl who really, really wants your couch." "Oy!" "I'm... so sorry for the mix-up, Yolanda." "Well..." "I guess you're more age-appropriate." "Benny, if-- if you're happy, then I'm happy." "Ma, I've never been happier." "Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, Yo-lan-da?" "Oh... oh..." "the pleasure's mine." "I never met an African-American Jew." "Are you from the lost tribe of...?" "Ethiopia!" "Uh-- uh... it's... uh... uh..." "More like the lost tribe of Inglewood." "I'm, uh" " I'm not Jewish." "What?" "Ma... it doesn't matter if she's Jewish or not," "I love her." "Ah, ahh..." "Ma, Ma!" "Mrs. Shapiro!" "Ma" " Let's" " Let's ring Dr. Schwartz next door!" "I can't breathe!" "All right, come on, Ma." "I can't breathe!" "Oh, for the love of Jesus!" "Oh, don't say Jesus!" "All right..." "let's go." "I'm going fast!" "Slow down, Ma." "Just don't worry." "Oh my god." "Hello, old friend." "It's a mitzvah!" "Don't think I brought you back 'cause I like you, okay?" "'Cause I don't..." "I did it for Sofia." "(key in door) Oh, my god, she's here." "She's here!" "So-fi-a..." "Hi." "Okay, you're not gonna be mad at me in a minute, because I have a huge surprise for you." "Yeah, well, I kinda have one for you, too." "Okay, mine's more of a visual, so let's" "No, um... tryin' to be a better listener, so, um..." "you go first." "Well, Logan's not coming over to see the couch." "What?" "Yeah, it turned out that giving me that couch was just a mean joke she and her rich friends play on their assistants." "Pfft." "So... what's your surprise?" "Ohh." "Oh... well..." "so I guess it wasn't that hard to get back after all." "Nope." "No... not at all," "I just had to..." "pack myself into a box to get to the warehouse, so I could steal the invoice, to get the address of the person who bought the couch, which turned out to be Yolanda's boyfriend's mother," "who would only give me the couch if I was Jewish, and willing to make babies with her son." "So I told her I was Jewish, and then she fainted, which gave me the opportunity to steal the couch back for my best friend, who I love more than anything else in the world." "So, uh... you kn-- now's where you hug me, and you say you love me, and, uh, it's all, you know, water under the couch..." "Yeah, well... it's not." "It's not?" "Why is it not?" "Because that's not the problem." "The problem is that you don't respect me, and you don't listen to me, and you don't care about how important my career is to me." "Oh... well, uh, guess, uh, just, uh, nothin', uh, nothin' more to say, then." "What's that?" "Nothing." "But open it." ""Intro to Journalism"?" "Uh, I" " I took the $800 I made selling the couch and I signed you up for night classes." "What?" "Yeah, because you're a writer!" "See, I listen!" "And if" " And if you really, really wanna be a journalist, then you need some training to go with that natural talent that you already have." "Gabi, it" " I don't know what to say." "That's why I got you the class!" "And... you know what I realized?" "I mean, this whole time, I wasn't trying to get the couch back," "I was trying to get you back, you know?" "Because... because..." "you're my ugly couch." "And you're my ugly couch!" "Ohhh!" "Oy, this fakakta couch already." "So, we waited at the hospital for hours." "And when she finally came to, she forbid Ben from seein' me." "But, the good news is, right after that, she fell into a coma." "That's horrible." "Not for my sex life." "As long as she's out..." "the son is in!" "What you need, bro?" "I need a fix..." "got a dime bag?" "Careful with that... it's uncut." "I gained six pounds?" "So... all of us gained weight." "How is that even possible?" "We've been exercising, counting points... the only outside food that I've eaten is" "Oh, my god!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up!" "Before you do anything... consider this... is anyone really gonna notice that you gained six pounds?" "Oh!"