"Dear Brothers." "We are gathered here today in the Convent of the Order of the Barefoot Snail-hunters." "Today's sermon will deal with the word of the Lord." "And I saw the light, and the light was hardly even a moped headlight." "Nor was it the Lord, for the Lord doesn't need headlights, or streetlamps, or even hazard lights." "In the Kingdom of the Lord, there is neither day nor night." "It is always midday and everyone's always eating." "And that little twerp of a demon is there in a corner, getting stones thrown in his face and eating the leftovers." "And may God free us of the Romanians repairing the roof of our church, putting the roof tiles on backwards, all fucked up, so they fall when the wind blows just like in their country," "Bulgaria or Moldavia, let me tell ya, fella..." "And may this government of morons put an end to corruption once and for all, even if they have to bribe someone to do so, since that what we all pay taxes for." "And may there be decent public transport in this crap old country, where there shouldn't even be roads because all the drivers are a bunch of murderers, as are the doctors, who go on strike in hospitals" "with some guy lying there with his guts hanging out and his appendix dancing a jig." "And while we're at it, we should burn down the courts and the law schools." "These are the wishes of the Lord." "Amen." "Amen." "Let me tell ya." "Amen." "Well goddamn if it isn't..." "my old Tonimobile." "Now this is one kick ass machine, man." "It's survived psychopathic nuns thrashing on the bodywork and it discovered the sea passage to Spain." "This is a spaceship right out of "Star Wars"." "It's all the shit." "My beloved traffic tickets, what a smell!" "All unpaid." "I'm not going to fuck up the collection now, right?" "A racecar like this one here in a vacant lot out in the sticks." "And no one came to rip it off?" "Miracle." "And if God didn't say so himself, I'd say this here is a miracle." "Amen." "Tony, it's great to see you." "You look the same." "Jesus fucking Christ, they built this damn place out in the middle of nowhere." "TRICKSTERS" "Easy there Barrabas, leave the cabbages alone!" "It's not Barrabas, Zeze, it's Popeye." "Anyway man, tell me, what's become of your life?" "It really does seem just like yesterday." "I've been here since..." "let's see 1979... plus five..." "Do the math." "So I've been here for a week." "I can tell; you're much more relaxed." "Tell me about it, I'm much more chilled out." "I'm practically a saint." "Goddamn donkey." "Drop the cabbage!" "Poor guy." "And so you, batface, tell me, what the hell are you here for?" "Zeze, not out of disgrace of the truth," "I have come here..." "Don't tell me!" "You cannot live without your friend and guru Zeze." "You're forgiven." "You can kiss my hand." "I really don't think so!" "Zeze, the thing is that in order to be true to myself and to you as well, I've come here, Zeze, to..." "Wait, I got it." "You've come to get your car back." "You can take it, just leave me the hens and the eggs, 'cause here in the countryside we eat lots of eggs..." "It's true they are good for strengthening the hair, they have vitamins and their great for cholesterol." "But what brings me here, Zeze, is..." "Wait, now I've got it." "What you want is to join the Order of the Barefoot Snail-hunters." "Brother, unshod yourself, take off your boots..." "I really don't think so!" "The building is old and could fall." "Leave it as it is." "Better that way." "Anyway, I might just walk on outta here, no?" "It's been wonderful to see you again so healthy, healthy as a big old oak tree." "Later." "Let me tell ya, fella!" "Toni, Toni, it seems to me you have not told me what it is that's afflicting you." "You can tell me everything." "I am a man of the church." "I am here to listen." "To listen?" "Look how you've changed." "If I'd have known, I'd have brought my guitar." "No, calm down." "It's not worth it." "If you want, I'll play a song for you." "Relax." "It's no bother at all." "But to me it is." "Look, why don't you just tell me why you've come." "Zeze, before coming here to preach to the corn, you told me something that has been knocking around in my head all this time." "Listen, you can confide in me." "I'm a priest and a priest is like a father." "Bingo." "I have to ask you about my father." "I thought so." "Don't you see I'm enlightened?" "And when I go to the mountain, I speak with God, in dreams of course." "And afterwards I come down the hill to preach the truth..." "Jesus." "You're outta your mind." "I'd better get going." "Let go of me!" "Let me go!" "Good God." "You're off your head." "Outta your head I say." "Let me tell ya, fella!" "Four months earlier Hold it right there, cheeseface!" "If you don't want another round willingly, we'll have to do it the hard way." "Let's let fate decide." "Heads or tails." "Heads you win, tails, one of us." "What if the coin lands on its side?" "On its side?" "It's happened before." "If it lands on its side, we call the waiter and the problem's solved." "Is it a dealer?" "Offshore." "What is it?" "Depends." "What coin is that?" "One euro." "One euro?" "Then it's heads." "All right, batface, explain that one to me." "How much is one euro worth?" "166.386 pesetas, right?" "It's goddamn heady coin if I ever saw one." "Zeze, why did you have to go and punch me?" "Why did I do it?" "Why did I do it?" "I'm not deaf!" "Because the earth is round?" "Because the sum of the legs squared is equal to the square root of the hypotenuse?" "Because the needle of a compass always points straight ahead?" "The earth is round?" "Of course!" "What part of it?" "The edges." "And where are the edges?" "What's with you, man, do I look like a typographer to you?" "I don't know, let me get a good look at you." "Goddammit, I'm outta here." "What for, but I'm not even sick." "What about me?" "You?" "You're out of it." "If a doctor were to catch you, he'd put you in a jar of formaldehyde to run experiments on you." "Toni, the mutating aberration." "Coming soon to a theater near you, to an emergency room near you..." "Holy fucking shit!" "Zeze I just had a wicked idea." "Fuck!" "I'm going to ask that gentleman to hold my place in line." "Excuse me sir." "If they call my name, could you call me... by my name?" "Don't worry." "If they call him, I'll call you so that you can call him, okay?" "So then, didn't you hear your name called?" "Son of a bitch!" "What's happening?" "Son of a bitch!" "I forgot to tell my name to that dude." "Toni!" "Forget it, don't worry." "He doesn't know your name, but with that mace face of yours, it's hard to even look at you." "So what's it going to be?" "Don't even ask." "A calamari sandwich and a glass of wine, please." "And you're not gonna eat anything?" "I already ordered." "What about me then?" "I asked you what you wanted and you got all pissed." "Cancel that order for this individual please." "Make that two calamari sandwiches and two wines." "Make mine with mayo, please." "What do you mean yours?" "Did you already order?" "No, you did though." "I ordered for me, if you want to eat, order for yourself." "Goddammit, I ordered for me and you canceled my order." "Of course, because you didn't order for me." "So that's why, is it?" "Revenge?" "So then don't be surprised if after eating three or four sandwiches a day, you end up having a Cadillac arrest." "Hold it right there, foul vulture!" "Don't fuck with me!" "You don't like to hear the truth, do ya?" "You're just like the rest." "What rest?" "The rest, of them, everyone, humanity." "They're all as fat as posts." "What do you care, cheese face." "When even the slightest breeze comes along, your wife has to go pull you down from the church bell tower." "That's it, that's right, Big Toni, Big Toni..." "Always blowing it out of proportion." "That only happened once." "So what's it going to be then?" "When a donkey speaks, my friend, the other one pricks up his ears." "And don't fuck me around, unless you want me to shove a jar of pickles down your throat." "I beg your pardon?" "You're pardoned." "But next time, I'll chop off your balls, fry them up, and make you eat them." "Let me get this straight, so you've taken to this all-light bullshit then?" "Like it should be." "The whole bio-fatness thing?" " Like it should be." "The cardio-active-bifidus business?" " Like it should be, Zeze." "I have to be careful about the junk food I ingest." "My body is a holy temple." "Gimme a fucking break!" "My grandfather grew up eating seven plates of hog's feet for breakfast, with wine so bad it came to the glass in installments." "He rolled up some corn leaf joints and smoked thirty or forty a day." "Every day, twice a day from the age of three until he was ninety six, and at ninety four he donated a lung to a 20 year old kid." "That one guy who years later became the goalkeeper for Oporto." "That's it!" "Edmilson, the one the crossbeam fell onto while he was having an asthma attack." "That's the one." "So." "Have you decided yet?" "Look, could you make it a calamari sandwich and a glass of wine, please?" "That order has been put on stand-bypass." "Yeah, right, so you're preaching about nutritional morals and now you order a calamari sandwich." "You're right." "Make mine with a leaf of lettuce, but make it a really thin one." "Don't make it with anything, and if you do, I'll bash your teeth in." "Jesus, Zeze, don't your realize I'm sick?" "I don't care." "And I had to go to the ER." "What do you want?" "For me to die of a subcutaneous avitaminosis?" "A what?" "Avitaminosis." "Is that what you have?" "So then, order a sandwich at least." "It's about time." "CLOSED FOR CONSTRUCTION UNTIL A FEW YEARS FROM NOW" "YOU'RE SO FULL OF IT WHEN IT COMES TO PHILOSOPHISING..." "Jesus fucking Christ!" "Over here, quiet as an ass!" "And wouldn't you know it, this fucking machine is out of order..." "I want chips, now!" "So what then, shall we get going?" "Are you ready?" "I missed my turn and it made my day, Zeze." "What are you, a dumbfuck?" "This batbrain here is a mystery to us all." "So like, you missed your turn and it made your day?" "Exactly." "Zeze, guess who this mangled sicko is." "Jesus, it fucking looks like ET." "It's not fucking ET." "It's me." "And is that that hanger I swallowed that one time?" "That's it!" "Boy, did I have to give it to you that day." "Of course, I didn't want to open my mouth." "Jesus, but that was more than twenty years ago, right?" "The thing is, I never had time to come and get my x-rays." "My life recently has been hell." "I haven't even been sleeping in my bed." "I was crashing there in the room." "What about the hanger?" "I don't know, it must be hanging out around my liver by now." "Which is why my liver hurts so much... when I drink." "Goddamn right, with the hanger rusting and all." "Anyway, we've got the papers now, we're all set, let's get outta here." "We're not going anywhere until this fucking vending machine gives me my chips." "Now wait, let's see." "The machine swallowed the coin?" "What coin?" "Jesus fucking Christ, we hit rush hour!" "No problem." "Turn left;" "I know a shortcut." "Godammit, you got us stuck in the fucking traffic jam." "You're the one who told me to turn left." "It's because of the construction." "This fucking city is always under construction." "They're fucking everything up." "Toni, open the door, chips always give me gas." "Goddammit, what a fucking stench!" "Don't tell anyone you're healthy." "The door fell off!" "Dumbass, get that piece of shit moving or I'll have to get out and kick start it!" "Why the hell are all these people here at the same time anyway?" "Because of work, Zeze." "At this hour?" "There are people who work." "Which is why this country doesn't count for anything." "Move it, jackass!" "Zeze, when I stop to think about it and I see all this confusion, do you know what I think?" "No, I don't even want to know." "Well I'm going to tell you anyway." "I think this society is unorganized." "Some go to work for others, and the others go to work for us, right?" "To work?" "To work, but badly." "Come on, get moving moron!" "This modern world." "It's all about competition." "Every goddamn one of us is blinded by money." "What about ideals?" "What ever happened to ideals?" "God knows what it's going to be this time." "This piece of shit radio doesn't work or what?" "Of course it does." "It's Janis Lopez!" "This chick knew what she was talking about." "She got sick and tired of it all and got a one way ticket outta here." "Janis Llopis went to live in Estoril?" "Where did you read that?" "Jesus fucking Christ, Zeze!" "A one way ticket to the beyond, to beyond the beyond, to the fifth dimension." "Ever heard of it?" "Yes." "I've heard something about the heatstroke melting your head." "You're the one who's beyond the beyond." "Zeze, when someone goes to the beyond, they can't take anything with them, not even their car." "Gosh what luck, can you imagine yourself with this piece of junk in heaven, spewing out gasocarbonates onto the head of Saint Peter?" "Goddamn right, let me tell ya." "They'd kick you out faster than you can say emissions test." "This fucking Janis Gomez is bustin my goddamn balls." "Go fucking sing somewhere else, in the beyond!" "You get all pissed off, man." "Show some respect to Janis, for fuck's sake, she's a legend." "Respect the divine, dude." "You want your face smashed in?" "If anyone in this car has more respect for the divine than you, it's me... dumbfuck." "You?" "For your information," "I didn't get my First Communion because they made me slave away to get baptized first." "That's what I'm talking about." "But, check this out." "At home I've got a rosary and picture books of the story of the resurrelection of Judas." "But which one, the Old Testament or the new one?" "No fucking idea." "I've had it for forever though." "Then it's the old one." "Yeah, besides, it's covered in cobwebs." "Step on it!" "I've see people move faster in the cemetery!" "Move your ass!" "What, did you win your driver's license in a crap shoot!" "You know what this world needs?" "A new religion, Buddhism style, Om." "Or one like the Arabs got." "The Arabic one isn't new." "Ours began on May 13th in Fatima, and theirs on September 11th in New York." "Holy shit, Zeze, you're a fucking genius with dates!" "Thank you." "This motherfucking traffic jam is pissing me off." "Move your ass, dickhead or I'll rip out your eyeball and take a dump in the hole." "You really need to learn to respect your fellow man." "Remember, God will choose..." "What do ya mean, God will chew?" "That old bastard!" "Even if he had teeth, they'd only be good for eating or..." "Or drinking?" "No, order..." "Ordering meals?" "No, order, order..." "Order to go, I'm getting hungry." "Hors d'oeuvres goddammit, religious ones like angel food cake or that pasta..." "The Lord works in mysterious ways." "So Zeze, what did my father say?" "He said lots of things, the old bastard." "Still the same old chatterbox, no?" "But Toni, you never actually met him." "Well no, which is why I wanted to know all the details." "I'm not sure you're ready for that though." "Of course I am, dude;" "I'm all ears!" "All right." "But first let's pray." "Pray?" "Zeze, I haven't even washed my hands." "On your knees, right now!" "I can't get on my knees because of my arthrosis." "I'm sorry, but my collar bones just won't hold up." "Toni, close your eyes!" "No way!" "If I close them, you'll punch me, I know you." "All right, then don't close them." "Ready?" "Shit, praying's a breeze." "Toni, don't tell me you never learned how to pray." "How am I going to learn how to pray if I never even learned to speak right." "I've never even set foot in a church until today." "You'd never set foot in a church before, you heretic?" "Never." "They never let me." "Every time I went into the sacristies, they yelled at me:" "Drop the brush, asshole and stop washing your feet in the holy water!" "Toni, poor devil." "You disgust me." "Thank you." "Come on now, take your confession!" "I really don't think so!" "Do I have to get on my knees?" "Zeze, give me your blessing for I have sinned tones." "I'm the priest here, and I'm in charge." "Forgive me." "You're supposed to ask forgiveness at the end." "Yeah?" "To who?" "To me." "To you?" "And what have I done to you to have to ask for your forgiveness?" "Something, there's always something." "Every time you open that big mouth of yours, you hurt everyone around you." "So shut up!" "Okay, okay, chill out." "I'm just sitting here quiet as a mouse having a smoke..." "Toni, you're not allowed to smoke in the confession booth." "Fuck that!" "Where's the sign?" "There's no sign in here." "In the House of the Lord, there are no signs." "The House of the Lord is a sign on the Great Highway of life." "And so you will now tell me your sins, and I'll sit here listening..." "and laughing." "Sins?" "Like what?" "Like sneaking a smoke?" "Exactly." "Tell me, have you ever sneaked a smoke anywhere?" "Me?" "All the time." "You see." "Now we're getting somewhere." "And when was that, child of God?" "Now." "You see?" "We've taken another step in the right direction." "And where was that?" "Here." "You see?" "Here and now." "Toni, are you smoking in the confession booth?" "Of course I am, but I'm sneaking it." "I told you there were a lot of signs around and I didn't want to break the rules." "Toni, this is filling up with smoke." "Are you trying to burn this all down?" "Fucking door is jammed!" "If you were on this side, you'd be safe cuz here there's only a little curtain." "Did you buy this velvet?" "It's fucking great!" "Toni, there's too much smoke." "This is on fire." "Call the fire department, the armed forces, the navy!" "I can't, there's no coverage here." "You know what these convents are like." "Stone on stone, and then things like this happen." "And wouldn't you know it," "I have a third degeneration cell phone." "Don't go and think it's just some talkie-walker with an antenna." "Go, go, save yourself and tell the world I died a hero's death!" "That's all, folks!" "No, wait, wait, I've changed my mind." "Save me before I get toasted here alive." "Zeze, you know what?" "If you told me what my father said, God might give you a reward." "I'll tell you everything, I'll tell you everything." "Cross your heart, hope..." "I'll stick a fucking needle up my ass!" "Your ass or your eye?" "My..." "Your what?" "Both." "From the outside, this opens really easily." "It must be the hinges." "Have you put any lube spray on the hinges recently?" "You saved me..." "Thank you, Lord, thank you, amen..." "Let me tell ya amen, fella!" "Come on, tell me what my father said." "I'll tell you." "Jesus fucking Christ will I ever tell you!" "THREE MONTHS EARLIER, MORE OR LESS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER" "Steaky, Steaky, have you got the meat ready for the stew yet?" "Everyone's so hungry they're about to start a riot." "It's coming." "SINCE TRADITION RULES, NO SAUSAGE STEW WITHOUT BEANS" "What the fuck is going on?" "Can't anyone take a crap in peace around here?" "Cookie, Cookie, everyone's still waiting for the stew." "What's the problem?" "I've got the beans already." "Are they good?" "Fucking delicious!" "I tried them last night at dinner and the only time I left the bathroom was to have a smoke." "How great!" "Hey there, Chump, that's quite a stump!" "Agent Chump, what a nasty bump." "We're gonna have to cut off traffic in the neighborhood, no?" "Otherwise, there won't be any stew." "Damn, I almost cut off my mustache!" "Yes, my love?" "Some people have come to talk to you." "Tell them I've already paid, sweetie." "Tell them yourself, I ain't your servant." "Or did you think this was the Ritz Hotel?" "No my love, it was just a little favor I was asking you for." "Little favor?" "If you want favors, you'll have to pay for them." "And you'll owe me some if you dare go out partying without doing the dishes first." "Don't worry, my darling." "I still haven't finished yet." "Shut up and don't make any noise." "I'm going to do my legs!" "Get out of here, go play in the pantry where there's more room!" "So, what the hell is going on with you all, you bagpipe band?" "The question is this, Zeze:" "We are here for the stew." "We need your magic touch in the kitchen." "No way!" "Eat salad then!" "This year, I'm not setting foot in there." "But Zeze, without you, the stew isn't the same." "Last year they didn't let me sing the fado." "So then if I'm not fit for a stew that demands my seasoned-stew presence." "No!" "But Zeze, the mayor has set up some speakers so you can sing the fado." "And boy did it ever cost a fortune!" "Does it work?" "Of course it does." "They are Benito Camelas' speakers." "Who?" "The fado singer?" "No, his brother." "The drywaller?" "That's the one, him." "What about musicians?" "One-handed Manolo is on the guitar, and Pepe the Hook is on the tambourine." "Damn, it's impossible to say no with those artists!" "What about the artist's fee?" "The cash, the dough, what I charge for artistic expenditure." "Zeze, the money is all meant to go to help the retarded." "The retards?" "Fuck that!" "It's true." "No." " Yes." "Fine, then I'll lend my talent to the retards." "You'll have to give me a case of beer so my throat is suitably tuned, mind you." "Great throat, deep throat Zeze." "The greatest!" "Great it is, especially when I get done doing the dishes." "Otherwise, this isn't going anywhere." "Sweetie pie, but here I am with the scrubber in hand and the Palmolive on my nails." "When I get a hold of her, she's really going to get it." "I'm going to bash her face in so hard, the only thing she'll have left to cry with is her teeth." "I heard that, Zeze." "Just kidding, love." "I was a little blonde bugger And looked like a studder" "And my mother would say She'd sell me one day" "Just like she did to my brother" "I was the loveliest little cherry Ever born on the Tagus ferry" "Never was there another like me" "So lovely was I That the mirror would cry" "I was also a dear A funny little bat" "When my father saw me He ran away fast" "And left me in the square Just like that" "My mother was so upset" "One day she stopped talking to me In a fit" "Running away from me in the night As though I were such a fright" "And really I couldn't give a shit" "I was born in this neighborhood Noble neighborhood of Lisbon" "I'm afraid of no one" "I start kicking shit And I roast them right on the spit" "You sing badly and I don't like it" "You got any clothes to iron" "Cut out the bullshit and the wine I want everything clean and fine" "Otherwise I'll beat you into tomorrow." "Zeze, you're screwed there buddy Take it from me, old Toni" "You must be embarrassed To take orders from your sweetie" "As though you were just a pussy." "So let me tellya, fella!" "I'm gonna beat your ass" "And you my darling chou-chou Don't cramp my style" "And let me go make the stew." "I'm not your fella, I'm Toni" " And me, my name is Zeze" "This neighborhood is ours And for it we suffer" "My foot's fucked up anyway..." "We're two good buddies What a friendship we have" "Let a brick fall out of the sky And bash in our heads" "If it turns out a lie" "Let a brick fall out of the sky And bash in our heads" "If it turns out a lie" "Thank you very much," "I'd like to thank my beloved wife Noquinhas who could not come to see me..." "Shut the hell up, you too... goofball!" "I'm thirsty..." "Little fertile reptile!" "Wine!" "What have you done to deserve a sip of bad wine from this brother of yours in the leather pants?" "Holy shit!" "Are those real leather?" "In this heat?" "Gimme wine, goddammit!" "You don't get it." "I could bathe you with cactus nectar." "I could fill your throat with fresh camel's milk." "I could even drown you in tea made by the baboons." "But you don't deserve it." "Forget about camel tea." "Fuck the bamboozles!" "All I want is wine." "Even if it comes out of a box." "Drink sand, you crouching scorpion." "You haven't moved a finger to help your fellow man." "You are the jealous Comanche who hacks apart the father with a machete." "Comanche?" "But in the army" "I never even made it to quartermaster corporal." "Who are you, pink floyd?" "Don't you recognize me, moustache man?" "I'm Jimmy Morrison." "Jimmy?" "Morrison." "I've wanted to ask you something for a long time now." "I know." "It's what everyone wants to know." "What was it like with all those babes after the concerts?" "Them and me motherfucking and all night long." "No no, I want to know if you happen to have a box of wine." "Leave me alone, I'm tempted to just dump you and let the vultures pick away at ya." "Them big old birds?" "Gimme a fucking break!" "If you bring me a casserole and two garlic cloves," "I'll make you a big ole kebab right now." "But first, gimme wine, wine!" "Wine!" "No, you annoying twit!" "You're gonna stay there with your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth." "Help others to help you, and you'll do yourself a favor." "Don't even think about drinking this wine, it's mine and there's little left;" "I'm so thirsty I can't see straight." "Wine!" "Animal, you almost look like you just came out of the desert!" "Toni, I, have had a vision." "With the first drink?" "Gimme a fucking break!" "That usually happens to me on the fifth..." "The fifth box." "And it was there." "That was the spot?" "No Toni, it's just a figure of speech." "Goddammit, so then why don't you tell me everything?" "And that was when I realized that I had to travel the world to help people, all people, and the retards." "So like, helping them cross at crosswalks?" "Dammit Toni, don't be stubborn!" "For retards, the entire world is a crosswalk." "Now that there are traffic lights, there's no problem right?" "That way, the cars don't get 'em..." "Of course, that's the problem." "The retards are sick of getting run over and no one lifts even a finger to help them." "You know what this world needs?" "Sodilaritity, Solitarity, Solitarieaty." "Right, just three things." "Zeze." "The truth is with this kind of people who help others," "I'd like to be like those who help save whales, and penguins, the ones from Green Piss." "What exactly and who the fuck is Green Piss?" "Zeze, Green Piss is a group led by a hippy and his wife, who is totally insane and goes around on a boat." "And they usually go to hang out at the North Pole." "A hippy in the North Pole?" "How cool!" "But, what the hell is a hippy doing in the North Pole?" "He goes around saving the fucking little critters half frozen there on the tundra, waiting for the goddamn hippy to come and save them, right?" "You know how many seals are killed every year to make codfish liver oil and grease for shoe polish?" "Wait, wait." "What is it that they do, kill them or save them?" "I think there's something here I don't get." "Zeze, the hunters kill them, and the ones from Green Piss save them, goddammit." "They save them and then they kill them?" "Goddammit, that's fucking sweet!" "The thing is, they're frozen." "Haven't you ever watched the Recovery Channel?" "The channel with all them fucking critters jumping and humping all over the place?" "No." "If you did, you'd realize a lot of critters are good for absolutely nothing." "So then, what do they eat?" "Hay, mosquitos..." "Fucking hippies, they're worse than pigs." "They'll eat anything." "Dammit Zeze, I'm talking about the seals." "Hippies are vegetarians, aren't they?" "They only eat roots, birdseed, and weird shit like that." "They're like fucking birds." "It's like a kind of religion." "They can't eat cadavers." "Dammit, I can't eat cadavers either." "No?" "And what are beef sandwiches then?" "Beef sandwiches." "And when you eat beef, is the beef not dead previously?" "Gimme a break, I'm going to eat live beef, come on..." "Zeze, I'm a normal guy," "I'm not interested in how the beef makes it to the plate." "Look, I could even sign up for the Green Piss thing, but only if they threw the fucking hippies overboard and disinfected the boat." "Fucking stinky hippie into the water!" "For your information, I'm not in it for the seals." "Is that right?" "No, fuck the goddamn seals!" "That's it." "That's it." "I'm in it to put an end to all this oil company bullshit that is spilling diesel and tar into the ocean." "Goddamn right!" "With gas at the price that it is, and these dudes giving sardines drinks, right?" "Have you hear the phrase:" "Shave the whale, fuck the planet?" "Zeze, when I saw that movie," "I cried so much at that part where that guy goes off to war and then comes back all fucked up." "Movie, my ass!" "We're talking About Green Piss and diesel." "Zeze, speaking about movies about retards, what part of the movie is my father in?" "Much later." "After intermission?" "No, much later." "Toni!" "ONE MONTH EARLIER" "I prefer those westerns where the cowboys kill off all the Indians." "The one I liked was "The Last Orangutan in Paris"." "Awesome." "Totally, who was in it?" "Tom Cruise and his wife, that mulatta who's hotter than a Christmas turkey." "Jenny Blowlozez!" "Where?" "Where?" "In the movie, dammit." "Look man, the cowboy movie of all cowboy movies, the king of them all, "The Good, the Bad and the Snugly"," "with Clinton Eastwood as the good guy," "Omar Sheriff as the Sherrif, evil as a cobra..." "That guy is like a fucking rattlesnake." "And in the role of the "Snugly", that great distributor of open-handed wallops, none other than Brute Spencer." "Fuck yeah, Brute Spencer, damn." "For me, Bruce Ling kicked away more ass than Brute Spencer." "Now we're talking about the elite, the gods." "You can't put Bruce Ling and Brute Spencer in the same sack." "You can't put them in the same sack cause they won't fit, right." "Of course." "Bruce Ling and his immortal classics," ""The Fury of the Dragon", "The Elbow of the Dragon"." ""The Punching Hand of the Dragon"," ""The Dragon goes to the Beach"." "Who's in that?" "With "The Dragon's Children"..." "And the great classic of all classics," ""Land When you Can on the Great Wall of China" ""with the Seven Samurais"..." "That title doesn't have dragon in it?" "You didn't let me finish:" ""Land When you Can on the Great Wall of China" ""with the Seven Samurais Fleeing from the Dragon."" "That one's about the Chinese mafia." "Fuck yeah, it is!" "Make your illegal bets, give me a note, I'll give you a note." "We accept everything; euros, dollars, piastras, ruples, petro-dollars!" "Fujimori, repeat after me:" "I am a brutal murderer!" "Come on!" "I am a brutal murderer!" "And so, Samurai, are you strong?" "Stronger than a chilindron." "Samurai, show me the feline spirit within you, you big ole cock...!" "Listen, I bet it all on you." "So now you know, victory or chilindron!" "With peppers!" "People of China!" "We are about to start the traditional combat that will make its premiere today, in the traditional illegal Chinese cockfight of Kazuza!" "From Siam, where he spent ten years with his master Toni, perfecting the crane style and the use of the katana-cachava and the cachava-katana, a big applause for" "Samurai, the Hurricane of the Azores." "Concentrate." "And now, straight from the small town in butt-fucking Egypt, where he spent the last three days in a vow of silence, with his manager-a-trois, Zeze, the leading specialist on the bat technique and the hog trot escape," "a round of applause for" "Fujimori, the Crook from Machu-Pichu." "Pray your last prayers," "The Fujimori is going to beat the crest right off of that messenger pigeon." "My friend, listen well, you should know that Samurai comes from an ancient line of warrior cocks from the times of Inspector Ming." "The great grandfather of that cock alone fed all the workers who built the Great Wall and its surroundings." "I'm warning you, Fujimori is a black belt in capoeira." "This cock is really macho, a Rock Hurlson, an Al Modovar, a Freddy Merculin." "Freddy Merculin, why are talking about that poor guy, he's dead." "Doesn't matter, a man who's macho is always a macho man, even if he's a cock." "Zeze, I don't mean to sweeten the pill, but I think that cock, when he sings, is a little queer..." "Queer?" "Yeah, a poof, like those guys who get married in Spain, to each other, without chicks, and believing in God and in Elton John." "Zeze, did you fall asleep?" "This it totally awesome, man." "The cock has laid an egg." "That only happens in the movies." "I've seen this movie on video." "This movie just came out today." "With that guy, I've seen it tones of times." "All right then, what happens later?" "Come on, tell me." "If I tell you, I'll ruin it for you." "Come on dammit, tell me how it ends;" "I'm getting impatient." "Shut up and watch the movie." "Go outside and talk!" "Shove your ticket up your ass, moron!" "These fucking people are so rude." "Jelou, It is I, Toni speaking!" "Cookie!" "Is that you, ole buddy?" "Where are you hanging, bud?" "At the movies?" "No shit, so am I!" "Would you shut the fuck up, once and for all!" "What the hell, my friend can talk on the cell in peace, or can't he?" "Wait and see me smear your ugly gullet across your back of your seat with one punch!" "And what movie are you watching Cookie?" "No shit, the same one I am!" "Shut up now, you motherfuckers!" "Who are you calling motherfucker, dickface?" "Who's throwing popcorn at me?" "I want to know who threw the popcorn, because otherwise..." "We'll talk..." "Zeze, guess who's here in the theater." "Who?" "Cookie." "Cookie, where?" "I think he's in the back because he said he couldn't hear the movie because two dumbfucks in front wouldn't shut the hell up and he had to throw a bag of popcorn at them to get them to shut up." "Cookie, you're a dead man!" "Where were you when I needed you?" "Did you see how the first four rows were jumping on me and beating the shit out of me, and you didn't even lift a finger." "So you need me?" "You don't need me for anything." "You're an ingrate." "Because of you, I don't know how the movie ends." "I know how it ends, you want me to tell you?" "No, I don't want to ruin it." "They all get napalmed." "It's a bloodbath." "But they do get married, or don't they?" "Of course they do." "This movie is like those romantic comedies." "As soon as it starts raining a little, they all start singing and dancing." "Like those Fred Astaire and Ginger Ale movies." "I'm sailing in the train I'm sailing in the train..." "Shut it, dirty drunks!" "Right on!" "MAY GOD FORGIVE YOU FOR ALL THE EVIL I'VE DONE" "This man is one of the most important in the history of the neighborhood in general, and in the history of Portugal in particular." "It's necessary to have great respect for this gentleman." "The Infant, Don Fuas Bogalho, the Atrophiator." "Exactly, this man was the one who discovered the sea passage to Spain." "What?" "On a donkey." "Hang on a sec, didn't you say it was a sea passage?" "And donkeys don't know how to swim?" "To Spain?" "Donkeys can swim wherever they goddamn want to swim." "Poor thing, the stupid donkey who wound up rowing his ass off." "What was the donkey's name?" "Popeye." "In 1467, Don Fuas got totally wasted on grape liquor." "And then he bought a shinoe." "The end is near." "Shinoe, a shinoe." "The end is near, I saw..." "Shinoe, a ship, a canoe" "Canoe..." "The shinoe "capitapitana", in homage to the Gallic-Roman goddess of the Starfish and deep fried squid." ""Capitapitana"." "Wasn't that the saint famous for eating roses?" "Yeah, that's the one." "As I was saying, Don Fuas came down with a nasty case of the plutonic plague in his ears and so he had to get healed at the hot baths." "And when they were pressure spraying him in the face, he made a decision." "But wait, they were healing him by pressure spraying water?" "Yes." "How awful!" "If instead of water, it were wine..." "He decided to go to the Indies." "And why to the Indies?" "What had they done?" "I don't understand this story at all." "You will come to understand it in due time, your worship." "As in all the great epics of humanity, Spain was discovered by chance, because Don Fuas was convinced he was conquering the Indies." "So what's with the Indies, are they hotties?" "The Indies are good lands..." "That means..." "India in sight!" "Where?" "Where?" "It's just pretend for argument's sake." "VIERNES, HACE 539 AÑOS" "Your worship, to drink on this long journey ahead, have you brought beers?" "I brought what I could, sir." "I thought that en route to the Indies, we would dock in Badajoz and have some tapas and a little wine." "Your worship has miscalculated;" "we are traveling on a highway without stops." "Very well, how enlightened Don Foola Bogalho." "Fuas, Fuas." "Very well, how enlightened Don Fuas Bogalho." "That way, we can stop at the gas station of Almendrajejo and buy some sausages that have no skin on the tip." "And then carry on, as fast as possible." "Now that you mention it, doesn't your worship think we are going exceedingly fast?" "Look at the oil on the curve;" "observe the danger." "Pray your final prayers, we are going to have one heck of a crash." "Look out!" "The expedition is in great danger and the gasping skeleton of Don Fuas Bogalho was scattered all over the sea as though he were a cat run over on the highway." "Jesus fucking Christ, I busted a headlight!" "Calm down!" "The great navigators are always successful, keep calm!" "I am calm, I just have a broken headlight." "So who's going to pay for my headlight?" "Forget the headlight, this is just pretend." "And what about the car insurance?" "Does it cover pretend headlights?" "I suppose it does." "So then it's all taken care of." "Can we proceed or do the great deeds of navigation have to wait for your Excellency?" "Come, Don Falcatruas Rodaballo!" "Fuas, Fuas." "Come, for necessity calls for genius." "What are my ears hearing?" "Could it be the famous Sirens of Lover's Island, with their bulging eyes?" "With a bit of luck, might we still find Camões?" "Have you heard of the Sirens?" "The ones who are whales from the waist up, and salmons from the waist down?" "Shit, that's what my wife looks like." "Hurry, hurry, if she finds me here, she'll beat me so bad my mom won't even be able to save me!" "An ass!" "Are you talking to me, sir?" "No, I'm talking about the donkey that Don Quixote rode." "Put your hands in the shape of a shell..." "I really don't think so!" "Do it, before you get a taste of violence of my foil!" "THE INVASION OF SPAIN" "We have arrived." "So I've noticed, sir." "Have you brought mirrors to trade for the necklaces of the natives?" "Jesus fucking Christ!" "We brought necklaces to trade for mirrors." "No big deal." "Let's go have a drink to quell the scorching dirt from our throats." "You see how I'm famous among the Indians of the Indies!" "Are you sure we've never been here before?" "I am clearly the first to tread this spot." "And so sons of... we have had here for a..." "long time a score to settle." "What does that one say?" "I don't understand anything cause he's talking with beeps." "Let me tell you." "Toni and Zeze." "Four grilled pig ears, 3 euros, three tripe stews with chick peas, 5 and a half euros, eleven sandwiches with gypsy tripe, 24 euros, seven hundred thirty four beers 506'304 euros..." "Look, the king of the Indies is trying to communicate with us." "Saravá, Aloha, Salamalekun..." "He is Don Gasuas." "Fuas." "Fuas, Fuas..." "You Tarzan, me Jane." "Total of 600 euros and 4 cents." "Because it's you, we'll round it off to 800 and we're all set." "Damn, and I thought they'd be friendly to the Portuguese discoverers." "Pay now while you can, or later you'll really have to pay for it, you motherf..." "Do you dare raise your voice;" "you are going to get a whipping on your miserable back, in the name of the King, Don Patricc..." "One week, you have one week to pay for what you owe." "Otherwise I'll... the both of you." "How lovely!" "Look, sure does like licking that nastiness, no?" "Beat it, goddamn mutt!" "Poor dog." "Look at him, now all he needs is to bark, with those big sad eyes." "Zeze, this isn't pretend anymore, is it?" "Not anymore." "Let's go, I have to get up early tomorrow." "What for?" "Scram, mutt!" "I have to go to the foot doctor to have a callus that's been hurting removed." "But now it doesn't hurt." "Yeah, it's the only thing that doesn't hurt right now." "Hurry, hurry Zeze, we're getting cobblestones thrown at us!" "Jesus fucking Christ!" "It's your mother, Toni." "Go find your father, you dirty drunk." "Run, run!" "Dona Antonia, what's wrong?" "Why are you throwing stones at us as though we were Iberian lynx?" "Run, run Zeze, she's blinder than Mr. Magoo!" "Get out of here, beat it, you dirty drunk... good for nothing!" "Why does my mother throw stones at me?" "So you'll go look for your father." "I don't want to." "You must be waiting for your father to fall out of the sky." "Toni, if the mouse doesn't go to Mohammed," "Mohammed goes to the mountain." "Zeze, do you remember when I wasn't in the neighborhood for three years?" "Of course I do, they were the best two weeks of my life." "Zeze, during that time, I was out looking for my father." "And did you find him?" "I don't think so." "So..." "No one can accuse me of not having looked." "Anyway, there are certain people around here who'd best keep their mouth shut." "What?" "Are you saying I don't love my family?" "For me, the most sacred things that exist are the three "Fs", which are the pillars of our nationality:" "FAMILY, FADO, and FOOTBALL, and well, FATIMA..." "Aren't you missing something?" "And FIGO." "Zeze, nowadays no one pays any mind to that bullshit." "What's really cool are the three "Ps"." "The three "Ps"?" "PLAYERSTATION, POP-ROCK-IN-THE-NATION... and PORNICATION." "Fucking kids." "They don't respect the national traditions." "Speaking of PLAYERSTATION, do you have "Brutal Combat Defecation 7"?" "Of course I do, but haven't played it yet." "What?" "You still haven't played "Brutal Combat Defecation 7"?" "You are so out, my friend, very out." "Zeze, I haven't played it yet because it's in your house, you know?" "Just like a ton of your CDs that I have at home." "One of these days I'm going to sell all that crapola." "I don't want CDs anymore." "I get it all off the internet." "You get it off the internet?" "You should be ashamed." "Because of you, people like Pitney Sprears get their careers ruined, a nice girl who could be your daughter." "I wish." "Sexy mother-brother-fucker..." "Zeze, you have to give back the music to the internet where you got it from." "All right, I'll give back the music when you give back the pictures of naked girls." "Naked girls?" "But I download them for you..." "Come on, man." "Don't push it." "Boy, are you twisted, I don't even have a computer." "I did have a computer connection to the internet with gastric bandwidth, and you took it to your house, asshole." "It's in my house, but it belongs to you." "And therefore, the one downloading music off internet is you." "And that's what I'm going to tell the coppers." "Zeze, don't get the fuzz involved in this." "Let's solve this problem in a civilized way." "You're a nervy bastard, man." "You should give all that filth back to the Internet before the cops get here." "Police!" "Look Zeze, what I was saying." "This is what the kids call Pornication." "But didn't this used to be a market?" "Yes, used to, but you know, they are tearing down all the most typical stuff." "How typical." "You know, instead of being an historic landmark, we have a temple of lust and sin." "For shame!" " They have no right!" "Shall we go in?" "Let's go in." "HELP YOURSELF, GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF THE REST" "Hey, chief!" "That chick there in that orgy there, her name's Lassie right?" "No, it's Tera Patricks, but if you want a movie with Lassie, we have some in the section for nutcases." "Your fucking nutcase mom." "See how you like getting that machine crammed down your throat!" "Your place or mine, sweetie?" "Toni!" "Hang on, I'll be right there." "That's amazing, what crazy chicks." "They don't even know the guy and look what they do to him!" "Let me watch the rest." "But Toni, are you inside there?" "No, it's another guy who's inside." "That's too bad!" "The thing is, there are some girls here who'd drive you crazy." "Holy shit!" "Gotta coin?" "Want me to coin you?" "Yeah, coin me." "Here." "And I won't touch that shit 'cause I'm not vaccinated against the paleontomielitica fever." "Take it and put it in the slot." "Zeze, I'm sure that place is full of naked hot chicks." "Fuck." "Put it in." "In two words:" "A-mazing." "They're incredible!" "Zeze, how the fuck do they make the stage turn like that?" "That they do with slave labor." "Down below there are a bunch of Uranium, Romanium, Bulgarium dwarves... all pushing the wheel." "This country is full Africans, poor things, their backs must kill them from pushing around those buff hotties." "Quiet, we're watching the girls!" "So, will you give me a coin?" "What for?" "For the girls." "And you think the girls are going to let you see something for a fucking coin?" "Give me a coin or I'll smash your face in!" "All right, here." "Have fun." "What I really liked was to be there in the midst of it all giving it to them." "Take it, bitch; you want a pork rod?" "I'm right here for ya, slut." "Take it, whore!" "Watch me Toni." "I'm going to show you how to treat these scrubbers." "You're watching right, Toni?" "Where did that asshole go to?" "Let go of me!" "Toni!" "Zeze!" "Psalm 69." "Though I walk in the valley of death," "I shall never fear, for the Lord is at my side." "I do not see Him, but I know He is with me." "I other words, I'm on my way..." "For you, they're hotties, pieces of ass, but when Toni jumped on top of those sluts," "Don Zeze decided that that was a filthy place." "Toni, the light!" "Light, you want light?" "I'll give you light all right;" "I'm going to give you a hundred thousand amps in your face;" "then you'll know what light is." "Did you like it?" "Don Zeze might be there like a champion giving it to the sluts." "But when it's everyone else's turn, he starts kicking about like a mule." "I don't understand anything." "And I saw the light and I saw God and the Lord." "And where there's smoke there's fire!" "In the fire were the ladies, with my smoke-cured body." "One of them told me:" "It's the typical body of a smoker." "But then Mr. Zeze couldn't keep his trap shut while the rest of us had a bit of fun." "I am the Messiah and you all will not silence the word of the Lord." "I'll tell you all about how you're going to shut up." "I'm gonna give you a half liter of Prozoc with morphine to see if you shut the fuck up for once." "The one speaking here is me." "You don't understand me, Toni." "I'm a new man." "I've done an about face of 380 degrees in my life." "And now it looks like everything is starting over." "Shut up." "I was the one who they beat up and vilified because of Mr. Zeze." "That is going to be the yell of Tarzan." "Geronimo!" "Do you remember when I did jumping-jumping with the bungee cords and I hit that stone in the river?" "Where were you again my friend?" "I was drowning;" "I jumped before you did." "Geronimo!" "And where was that ass when I ran over my dog?" "It was clutching onto the wheel, because it was partying with the dog when you ran over it." "Geronimo!" "What the hell is that?" "Goats?" "They aren't goats." "This is my herd, little lassy." "Lassy?" "What about you?" "What animal are you?" "Half bird, half bat, and half bug." "If you ever get painted red, you'll look like Batman." "Sit down, pull yourself together, man, you're in a state of shocke." "Of shocke?" "Don't tell me about shocks, goddammit." "If only a bolt of lightning had struck that fucking Hemmingway or whoever it was who helped him to invent electricity!" "What the fuck are we doing here anyway?" "Look around you; what is it you see?" "Nothing, I don't see anything." "Just white and goats." "You are in a coma;" "you are one step away from entering the kingdom of the heavens." "Hang on a sec." "Who is it I have the pleasure of speaking to?" "Don't you recognize me, Zezinho?" "I really don't think so!" "Remember who took you in arms so often as a child." "You were a wee child who was always spitting your pacifier out because of the bad blood in your mouth." "Who the fuck are you?" "The pediatrician?" "No, Zezinho, I'm the father of your great friend Toni." "Hey man, don't talk to me about that dude." "That asshole electrocuted the hell out of me." "If I hadn't been grabbing onto the cot, he would have been the one here." "Anyway, it was the way to meet the father." "Toni's father?" "Don't tell me you're Toni's father?" "What are you deaf?" "You are Toni's father, of course, that's where he gets that bat look from." "That and his thing for eating corn nuts." "The guy is always fucking eating corn nuts." "Never seen anything like it." "It's the power of genetics." "Could be." "I don't know anything about that." "From your family, I just know Toni himself, his mother of course, and now I'm getting to know you." "Wait, but if I am in a coma, and you and I are both here, dressed in white, there a damn nice breeze blowing." "If everything's white and we have goats and everything, does this mean we're in heaven?" "Not exactly heaven;" "you're at the front door." "I'm Saint Peter's assistant." "Saint Peter's assistant?" "In other words," "I'm wasting my time here with a fucking assistant?" "I want to speak to Saint Peter;" "I want Saint Peter here immediately!" "St. Peter is on leave." "He's had a breakdown and doesn't even remember his own name." "But the most fucked up thing about it is that he blames me for it." "Fuck, shit happens." "But wait, what's my deal then;" "am I dead or do I have to go back down?" "The day you will have to come to heaven has not yet come." "And because of the things you are doing," "I don't think you're ever going to make it." "It's true." "I'm a thug and I deserve nothing." "And I don't even deserve the ground I step on or the air I breathe." "Punish me, punish me, hit me with your cane on this side of my head where it hurts most." "Aggressions are not allowed in heaven." "But since you ask me to." "Take that!" "Fuck, what is that, solid oak or quincewood?" "And now go in peace and carry out your mission." "Leave here and go to a monastery, to the quietest one you find, and quit fucking everyone around!" "Okay, okay." "Can I kiss your hand?" "No, don't be such a pussy!" "Let me tell ya, fella!" "Do you want me to give your son a message?" "Tell him that one day he'll be a great man because he'll go..." "Wait, I didn't get that last part." "Isn't there a piece of paper around to jot down a little note?" "Fuck, you all here in heaven live like Gods, two-ply and everything." "What was that..." "Farewell, little lassy." "The constellation Booties..." "was your favorite." "I'm sorry Zeze." "I shouldn't have given you so many shockes." "Now you're in a coma and your lighter might go out at any time now." "You're my best friend and now you're just a body lying on a hospital bed, with tubes in your nose and drains all over the place." "It's not fair." "Where am I going to find another friend like you?" "Because friends like you don't just fall out of the sky..." "Zeze?" "It worked!" "Hot chicks, money, and crates of beer don't just fall out of the sky." "I'm all fucked up." "Jesus, I shouldn't have said the words the same way." "Zeze, what happened to you, where have you been?" "Don't ask me stupid questions!" "But weren't you in a coma?" " No." "So then I'd better split before you start beating me." "Wait." "The one who's gonna split is me." "I come from the world of the dead and I'm a new man." "I'm only interested in the spiritual." "Material things do not matter to me at all." "Give me your car keys." "What keys?" "I've hot-wired it ever since I bought it." "Let me tell ya, fella!" "I'm outta here, friend." "You'll never see me again." "I'm going to a monastery because the faith is calling me." "The café is too?" "No, the faith is calling me." "Without coffee." "Yes, without coffee." "It's true, your father sent me to tell you that you will be a great man because you are going to save..." "What are you talking about?" "I said your father sent me to tell you that one day, you will be a great man because you'll go to..." "Why am I going where?" "Jesus fucking Christ!" "I didn't hear a goddamn thing!" "UPON NIGHTFALL" "Zeze, where is my father?" "What the fuck were you saying?" "Toni, if you want to look for your father, you have to look inside yourself, but then afterwards outside as well... he might be outside." "Enough Chinese proverbs, goddammit." "Alright, what is it you want, Toni?" "Do you want to read the writings that your father left for you?" "If they existed." "Exist they do exist, it's just that..." "Of course they don't." "How absurd." "In your father's days, there wasn't even paper." "They all wrote everything in cave walls." "Like those cave paintings in Altamira." "Do you get it?" "But that doesn't interest anyone." "They usually flood it all so people won't read it." "Zeze, I know very well there was paper, because my mother said that my father used up seven trees of toilet paper every time he sat on the can." "Toilet paper isn't paper." "Zeze, give me those papers." "I'll give you everything you want." "I'm not for sale." "Everything, everything?" "What is it you want, jewels, amethyst, sapphire, rubies?" "No, I don't want immaterial things." "I'll settle for a blanket and some garlic soup, two desert grasshoppers..." "Do you want ingots of gold?" "Cause I'll take my car and crash it into the Bank of Portugal!" "No." "I know." "You want luxury cars?" "No." "Zeze, what about one of those mansions with pure, fourteen kilowatt gold doors?" "No, no, Toni, I want something more simple, something symbolic." "Golly this is starting to be a guessing game like Trivial Samsonite." "Toni, I just want your friendship." "Friend." "... and little more." "Toni, do you remember the debt we have with the Lambretas?" "Sort of." "I'm a saintly man and I cannot take on debts." "It's heresy." "If you paid debt, we'd be left in..." "And that way I'd learn about the messages from my father?" "That too." "Zeze, you're not going to believe it." "Of course not." "But I've already paid off the Lambretas debt." "And so if that's the problem, it's already taken care of." "Come on, tell me what my father said..." "Wait, how did you pay off the debt?" "If you don't even have money to buy bread." "Well, with my collection of antique glazed whisky bottles." "No." "Yes." "No." " Yes." "But I thought you were going to keep that bottle collection for your little daughter's wedding!" "Forget it, she's uglier than a retread tire." "And I'm telling you, you don't owe anyone anything, especially me." "Alright, what is it you want, man?" "I'm a softie and I'll give you everything I have." "You're a good man." "To say nothing bad about you." "If I'd known, I'd have asked for something else." "Come on, that's enough." "Let's get on about my father." "What box is that, Zeze?" "That's not a box." "It's a chest." "We're going to see if they have frozen veggie soup and fish sticks." "This fucking torch keeps dripping off shit, goddammit." "Fuck it!" "Toni, this chest contains what you have been looking for for so long." "The football sticker collection?" "No, dumbfuck." "The Pokemon collection?" "No, your father's writings." "The last message he gave you is here." "Great!" "Toni, did you fart?" "Not now." "It's just that it smells like rotten old man, what the fuck did you eat?" "Some corn nuts and a beer." "Actually the truth is, the one who ate the corn nuts was Popeye." "Toni, there's something strange here, don't you feel it?" "Zeze, I don't want to bear false witness, but do you happen to have an extinguisher or water?" "Now you're thirsty?" "Thirsty no, there's a lack of moisture." "And now you want moisture?" "Go climb up the mountain and jump down the well, why don't ya!" "In other words, no water at all then?" "None." "You're pissing me off, and now what?" "Now let it burn and let God's will be done." "But let what burn?" "Your suit." "Toni, I'm burning up here and you don't say anything?" "I didn't want you to get upset." "Water, water!" "You see, you're upset." "Put it out, anyway you can!" "What if I piss on it?" "Yeah, good idea, but make it quick." "Goddammit, the chest is also burning." "And I'm not sure I have enough liquid for everything," "I'm not a human tanker!" "Toni, don't you dare." "Now piss on me or I'll beat you to a pulp!" "I don't know what to do." "My father's writings will be lost forever." "The T and the O, To." "The N and the I, Ni." "To..." "Ni..." "What a relief!" "Thank you, friend." "What you've done is proof of great friendship." "I don't know if I would have done the same for you." "Give me a hug..." "No, don't hug me." "Gross." "We'd best get outta here." "You're right, let's go." "Let's go Tonimobile, save your owner, just like he's saved you so many times." "Come on!" "I know." "What?" "I know what it was your father said." "And so, the chest?" "Forget the goddamn chest, it doesn't matter." "The important thing is what your father told me." "Your father said that you'd prove to be a great man." "No." "Yes, and you'd save a great friend of yours from certain death, and leave behind everything that meant most to you." "Zeze!" "Toni!" "What joy!" "Now all I need to know is who that friend" "I'm going to save from certain death is, leaving behind everything that means the most." "Who might that guy be?" "Zeze, I have to go, my friend." "Because if my father says that that is my fate," "I have to travel the world in search of the man I have to save." "He must be pissed off waiting for me." "Toni, but what about your home and our neighborhood?" "Everyone is waiting to celebrate my return." "Zeze, I haven't been back to the neighborhood in one month, and now I'll make the most of it and be four or five years without setting foot there." "You haven't been to the neighborhood in one month?" "Of course, one month has passed and we haven't paid the Lambretas debt." "If they find us, they are going to beat the shit outta ya." "Boy, is that a good one!" "But you told me back there that you'd paid it off." "I told lots of lies before that message that transformed me into a serious man." "Goodbye, let me tellya, fella!" "Friend, whoever it is you are and however far you go, be it Sintra, Cascais, Estoril... get ready because Toni is here to the rescue." "High ho Silver!" "TO BE CONTINUED..."