"I actually once accosted you outside the Ritz when I was really drunk and I said, "I love you."" "It was about 1.30 in the morning and you looked so frightened and ran away." " But, Ian, I really do." " Yeah!" "And that's why I'm here tonight, so, um, just relax." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "Good evening!" "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Stephen Mangan." "In the news this week," "Springwatch's Chris Packham regrets not being at home when some extremely rare osprey eggs are delivered." "In Hull, the head chef of the Lucky House Crispy Duck takeaway is spotted." "And in Westminster," "Nick Robinson confronts the person who drew a penis on his notebook." "On Ian's team tonight, a journalist who is descended from aristocracy." "I'm not sure how posh she is, but her family home does have a gift shop and a maze." "Please welcome Camilla Long." "APPLAUSE" "APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH" "And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian who is currently starring in a play at the National Theatre." "Actually, I'm in it as well, so technically he's not starring." "Please welcome Miles Jupp." "APPLAUSE" "APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH" "And we start with the bigger election stories of the week." "Ian and Camilla, take a look at this." " Um...yes." " Scotland?" "Kilts." "That's supposedly the most dangerous woman in Britain, the one on the right." ""Stronger for Scotland", that's a new toilet paper." " Who's that?" " Uh, John Major." "Oh, yes, I remember him." "We're meant to be terrified." "This is the Tory tactic to make everyone very, very scared of the SNP." "Why?" "This isn't explained." "Nicola Sturgeon gets lots of votes in Scotland, so all the other parties go, "Oh, no!" ""What could we possibly do?"" "You could argue." "Present some policies." " Try and win." " Help count the votes." " Yeah!" "What did she say was the SNP's number one priority?" "It was to..." "How appalling(!" ")" "Yeah." "Well, it's nice of them to do that before they piss off and leave the rest of us... behind." "She doesn't have a Westminster seat, does she?" "No, she's leader of the party." "So she'd be involved in negotiations, but she wouldn't have..." "Yeah, by Skype, from Scotland." " Right." " Cos she's officially not allowed to leave, cos that would be betrayal." "But where did they launch their manifesto?" "The Isle of Skype." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "So she could be part of power, in the event..." "I'm asking you this, Ian, because I suspect the rest of us don't know." "I'm obviously part of the SNP's inner circle." "The London agent." ""Half past one outside the Ritz, nothing to report."" "Of course, that won't work unless we include the bit before the recording." "What are their actual plans, do we know?" "It's to put forward a lot of promises which they haven't costed and which will cost a great deal of money and everyone says," ""Where's that coming from?" and you say, "Shut up."" "They've got a position on Trident as well, the SNP." "I don't know what it is, but they've got one." "I think they want to sell it." "Or not do it." " Not have it?" " Not sell it." "They want to just..." "You might as well sell it." "Surely someone will buy it." "What's the point in just throwing it away?" " Yeah!" " A lot of countries don't have nuclear weapons." "That's the problem with politics today - no common sense." "Exactly." "Did you see how The Sun portrayed Ed Miliband and Nicola Sturgeon's plan to steal the election?" "There they are." "They're going to steal the election by lots of people voting for them." ""Huh!" "Boo!"" "There's also this, The Sun came up with." "Wasn't Miley Cyrus actually naked in the original video?" "Have they put pants on her?" "I'm just pointing this out for detail." "I don't know, but if anyone would be the expert on the Miley Cyrus video..." " It would be Ian." " Ian." " Mmm." "David Cameron's been warning this week about the "coalition of chaos,"" "a phrase I think he's coined himself." "A bit harsh on Nick Clegg and himself!" "I think they've all been told to say the word "chaos" and keep saying it." " I think it's the watchword of the election." " Right." "Boris kept on saying it." "MILES:" "It's a very mild word, "chaos"." "As a sort of emotive word," ""chaos" is how people that make the mistake of going to Ikea on a bank holiday... "Oh, it was chaos."" "Apparently, the Tory word, the positive word, is "confidence."" "So somebody's thought is "confidence versus chaos."" "And then Boris is both." " Yes!" " So whatever you want, you get a bit of it." "But Boris is the secret weapon." "What's secret about Boris?" " To be fair." " Well, you'll have to ask the courts." "So David Cameron's come up with the "coalition of chaos" - what has John Major been calling the Lab-SNP danger?" " IN MAJOR'S VOICE:" " "He's still here."" "I do all the MPs." " He..." " LAUGHTER" "He said..." "He said a Labour-SNP alliance was "a recipe for mayhem."" "It's not quite as good as "coalition of chaos", is it?" " I came up with "potpourri of panic."" " That's very good." ""A bowl of bollocks."" "That is an image that will stay with me for a very long time." "What I liked about John Major was that he seemed to say that everybody wanted package holidays." "That was the benchmark of being happy." "He hasn't been in politics since about 1996, to be fair." " Yep." " So, you know..." " Does he now work for Thomas Cook?" "He hasn't been abroad much." "Where does he do his arms dealing?" "From home?" "With the internet now, you probably could, couldn't you?" "Ian, when you were watching This Morning with Phillip Schofield on Wednesday..." " Oh, yes." " Yes..." "As I'm sure you did." " Did you hear David Cameron's little jibe at Alex Salmond?" " I did!" " Yes." " There's a man on Good Morning who takes people's wallets and the Prime Minister made a joke." "He said, "That'll be Alex Salmond."" "Let's hear him deliver that joke with aplomb." " Thank you very much indeed for your time." " Thanks." "Up next, a man who can pinch your wallet, your watch and even your tie without you ever noticing." "He's here after the break." "Who's that, Alex Salmond?" "It's quite a good joke." "It's the only time in the campaign" "I've seen Cameron come up with anything interesting." "Why did someone from Hounslow get accused of pinching money this week?" "That rogue trader?" " The "flash crash" trader?" " Yes." "Navinder Singh Sarao, a British trader facing extradition to America over claims he deliberately triggered a flash crash." "He has this extraordinary lifestyle, which is so incredibly penny-pinching." "He's worth something like 30 million or something, but he always wears a sort of tracksuit and I think when he made one big avalanche, had a windfall," "I think all he did was go out and buy another tracksuit for £100 or something." "MILES:" "It's from Sports Direct - write it down, Ian, if you're looking for a new pair of tracksuit bottoms." "If the ones that you normally watch television in have worn out, you can..." "LAUGHTER" "Sports..." "Direct." "Do they do grey and baggy?" "They'll serve anybody." "They will." "They'll serve anybody." "APPLAUSE" "Open policy." "Yes, he set up a company..." "Which doesn't sound dodgy at all." "This is the novel concept that the people of Scotland might get a say in the running of the United Kingdom." "Despite Tory scaremongering, a deal between Labour and the SNP might not be all one way - the SNP have promised Labour support on Europe, a renegotiation of the Barnett formula and, albeit reluctantly, to reveal the whereabouts of Donald's troosers." "Paul and Miles, take a look at this." "Ooh, George Osborne running away from reality." "And...here's David Cameron." " Er, yes, ooh..." "Um..." " A fish, and, er, Rab C Nesbitt." "Yes, and the Miliband effect on young women." "WOMEN SCREAM" "It was a hen party that squealed excitedly on their way to having a wonderful evening that they'll never remember." "Er, forget." "And was it by chance, or was he an organised part of the entertainment?" "Was he expected to strip for an extra fiver?" "Yes, Ed Miliband's battle bus got mobbed by a hen party in Chester." "Let's have a look at it." "THEY SCREAM" "THEY CHANT:" "Selfie, selfie, selfie!" "What else has Ed been pleasantly surprised by?" " Milifans." " Yes." " Oh!" "These people who are saying that they adore him online, and saying he's sexy and saying he looks like Poldark." "Er, yes, he's got an unexpected following on Twitter amongst teenage girls who call themselves the Milifemidom." "Sorry, the Milifandom." "It was all started on Twitter by a student called Abby, and has now got 17,000 followers." "One tweeted she had..." "But she's too young to vote, isn't she?" " She's only 17." " I'm not saying it's a waste of time, but come on." "David Cameron's got a rival Twitter group." "Do you know they call themselves?" "The 1922 Committee?" " They're called the Cameronettes." " That's right, yes." "Set up by a student from Exeter University." "Let's have a look at the tweet." "And, as you can see, it's been retweeted." "Twice." "LAUGHTER" "In terms of appealing to the youth vote, where did Ed Miliband draw the line?" "He wouldn't do a make-up tutorial with someone like Zoella." "Oh, I really need to see a make-up tutorial with Ed Miliband now." "Apparently, he refused to do a "banter pose"" "during an interview with YouTube presenters Niki and Sammy." "No, me neither." "Anyway, let's have a look." "Can we get a banter pose?" "Er, probably not." " Bye." " Bye!" " Bye." "Oh, slap down for Niki and Sammy." " That's pretty cool." " Burn." "I'm really warming to him, you know!" " That's working for me." " "No."" "Anyone want to see Ed Miliband set to George Michael's Careless Whisper?" " Er..." " No, no, I don't want to see that." "Yes, on balance, yes." "Thank you, Paul." "Let's see it." "# I'm never gonna dance again" "# Guilty feet have got no rhythm" "# Though it's easy to pretend" "# I know you're not a fool" "# I should have known better than to cheat a friend" "# And waste a chance that I'd been given" "# So I'm never gonna dance again" "# The way I danced with you, ooh. #" "Oh, I could watch that all day." "It looks like he's SAT on a Wispa." "I don't know where we got it from..." "Yeah, that's the work of Mikeyblag." "Thank you, Mikeyblag." "Let's catch up with Nigel Farage, now." "He's hoping to be elected to the constituency of South Thanet - a place that's been described as..." ""Please drive carefully."" "Actually, of course, Camilla, that's how YOU described the place." " Yes, it is." " Isn't it?" "That's exactly how I described it." " And Ukip said that that was..." " Mean." "Is that fair comment?" "No, not at all." "It was the truth." "Do you visit there much?" "No, I visit them..." "I went there more than Nigel Farage." "By the time I arrived there, he'd only been there a few times." "And did you feel they're going to vote for him?" "No, I don't think they are at all." "I think he's not going to get his seat at all." "I went into a casino..." "SHE CHUCKLES" "..at about 3:30 in the afternoon." "There were two old ladies playing poker, and I thought, "Oh, they'll vote for Farage."" "And they hadn't heard of him at all." " Well, back to this week, and..." " LAUGHTER" "Nigel Farage has been wearing a hat!" "And hitting back at claims that the Ukip manifesto was full of white faces." "Do you know what he's been saying?" "He said there was one black face and one half-black face." " Is that right?" " Yes, he told Magic Radio..." "And then he went on..." "No, it didn't get a mention, because no ordinary people speak like that, Nigel." "JINGLE PLAYS" "Ah!" "That sound can only mean one thing." "It's time for a bonus election buzzer question." " Wey!" " It's What Happened Next?" "Yes, fingers on buzzers, and tell me, what happened next?" "I'm Andrew Mitchell, and I'm the Conservative candidate for the royal town of Sutton Coldfield." "Did he actually just get run over, and..." " LAUGHTER" " No." " ..is now dead?" " Let's see." "I'm Andrew Mitchell, and I'm the Conservative candidate for the royal town of Sutton Coldfield." "LAUGHTER" "It's astonishing, huh?" "I don't know how he does it, either." "Incredible skill." "Who's been allegedly using a sock puppet?" "Oh, um, Shappsy." " Old Shappsy Boy." " Shappsy!" " Yeah." "Old Shappsy." "He's a sharp character, isn't he?" "He seems to be..." "He goes around under different aliases, and now..." "It's been alleged, it's been proved that he has..." "It's been suggested that he has been altering Wikipedia entries on his colleagues with the Conservative Party." " And himself." " And himself, indeed." "The thing that I really loved was when they confronted him about it and he said," ""I couldn't possibly have done this because I was elsewhere."" "SHE LAUGHS" "Do you know how the internet works?" "But he has got form." " He's denied that it was him changing his own entry." " Yes." "But he did deny before that he had a second job working under the alias of Michael Green and that was proved to be true." "Sort of this generation's Jeffrey Archer, isn't he, really?" "That's an appalling suggestion." "LAUGHTER" "I don't think you can say that about anybody." " Not even Jeff..." " Not even Jeffrey Archer." "Yes, Shapps found himself at the mercy of the nation's sharpest satirists." "Grant Shapps has fervently denied that he had anything to do, that he himself does not have the time, apparently, to... to edit his own Wikipedia entry and, look, I..." "I'm prepared to believe him." "I mean..." "It just could have been someone else." "Michael Green, for instance." "Boom, boom." "Was that Trident going off in the background?" "JINGLE PLAYS" "That noise means it's time for another bonus buzzer election round." "This one is called..." "Fingers on buzzers." "It is a quickfire round." "What's wrong with this leaflet?" " BUZZER" " Miles." "LAUGHTER" "They're working under a cloak of anonymity." "Yes. "Vote Name Surname."" " Wouldn't it be great if that was actually somebody's name?" " Yeah." "Greatest name ever." "What's wrong with this leaflet?" "BUZZER" "Yes, Miles." "It's very tempting to crop it." "Well, it's not just..." "That's the right answer." "It's not just tempting." "When you fold it in half to post it through a letterbox..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "This is the news that the election is not just about Scotland." "There are other major issues to discuss such as Grant Shapps' Wikipedia page." "Grant Shapps denies the accusation he repeatedly edited his own Wikipedia entry, vowing to clear his names." " APPLAUSE" " And so to Round Two." "The One-Armed Bandit of News." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here's the first one." " BUZZER" " Ian?" "This is a tortoise." "This is his owner." "She left the gate open and he ran away and she was distraught for ages and then someone found the tortoise and it's got her name on it there, slightly faded." "Stokes or something." "I'm still struggling as to how this has made the news." "Woman finds tortoise that was previously missing." "God unavailable for comment." "What's going on?" "The person who found it, incredibly nicely, rang up everyone with the name on the tortoise locally." "Found her, this is a nice, heart-warming story..." " Absolutely." " ..and she's very happy she's got her tortoise back." "She never thought she would." "She has!" "I think you got this the wrong way round." "It's the woman that went missing for five years." "She had her name written on her back and the tortoise has been worried sick." "It's a really first-rate story, I just wish I'd run it." "Yes, this is absolutely true." "It's Toby the tortoise from Dover who has been reunited with his owner, Wendy Stokes, after a year on the run." "This is where the story gets..." "He managed to make it to Rio de Janeiro." "With a pair of dark glasses and a fake passport." " How far did he get to?" " Well, he got 400 yards from the front gate." " 400 yards!" " Wait, that's just the beginning!" "He got 400 yards from the front gate and some helpful soul picked him up and drove him to Margate... 22 miles away." "Toby's 109 so he was one of the younger residents in Margate." "Yes, he was gone for a year." "When the tortoise was in Margate, was he relentlessly interviewed by Camilla desperate to find somebody with an opinion...?" " In the casino." "I'm a migrant in the area but you wouldn't believe my story." "It's all written on the back if you want to check it out." "Toby the tortoise was missing for 11 months." "When asked what happened, he said," ""I don't know, it all happened so fast."" "According to the Daily Mail, the tortoise was picked up by a driver on a nearby road and driven 22 miles away, leaving a scandalised hare to shout," ""Oi, that's cheating!"" " Fingers on buzzers, teams." " OK." " Here's the next one." "BUZZER" " CAMILLA:" "This is Poldark and he can't scythe properly." " Can't he?" "Apparently he's doing it all wrong, his scythe is blunt..." "It should be triple-action." "You get three blades." "Well, that couldn't be more of a right answer." "According to The Telegraph, Chris Riley... ..he told the paper..." "What else was unrealistic as described by expert mower Chris Riley?" "Well, it's set in the 19th century and, apparently, it was filmed." "Explain that one, Mr BBC!" "Well, yes, that is obviously and absolutely true." "Chris Riley said you would never scythe topless because..." "CAMILLA:" "And to stop yourself giving yourself an inadvertent Brazilian all the way up the front." " Inadvertent Brazilian." " Yeah." "If it's a Graham Greene novel." "This is the news that Aidan Turner, the actor in Poldark, has received criticism after using the wrong scything technique." "Many scything experts were upset." "Indeed, some of them described the scene as harrowing." "Chris Riley, a 56-year-old scyther, told the Daily Telegraph that when the episode in question aired..." "Yeah, one phone call." "Time now for the Odd One Out round." "Just one between you this week." "Your four are... a bit of the universe, a creamy chicken bake from Tesco," "72 safety deposit boxes and Ivica Jerkovic's wallet." "BUZZER" "One of them's to do with the jewellery heist, isn't it?" "Which one would that be?" "Well, the other three objects were found in the safety security boxes, the Tesco pie, the wallet and the universe." "I think it's about things disappearing, isn't it?" "Jewels have gone from the jewel place." "And..." "LAUGHTER" " The creamy chicken's gone from Tesco." " Yes." "They've lost a bit of the universe." "Scientists don't know where it is." "The wallet's the odd one out, that's what you're saying, it's been found." "Absolutely, well done." "The wallet is the odd one out is the correct answer." " Ah." " I answered that for him." " Yes." "Why did I answer that for you?" "APPLAUSE" "Yes, they have all been found empty this week apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet which was returned with nearly double the amount of money inside." " Oh." " Any idea how long he had to wait to get his wallet back?" "Four years, the tortoise next door had nicked it." "14 years to get his wallet back." "We've lost a bit of the universe this week." "Astronomers have discovered a curious empty section of space which is missing around 10,000 galaxies." "Let's have a look at this empty bit of space." "MILES:" "It's more interesting than I thought it would be." " It's called a..." " LAUGHTER" "It's called a supervoid apparently." "What is surprising scientists about this supervoid?" " It shouldn't be there." " CAMILLA:" "Yes." "It's surprisingly cool is the answer." "Said Carlos Frenk, professor of not really meaning anything at the university of too early to say." "72 safety deposit boxes were left empty after they were raided over Easter weekend in London's Hatton Garden." "The police revealed photographs from inside the scene of the crime this week." "Do we know who any of the victims are yet?" "Mostly jewellery owners." "Mostly jewellery owners." "MILES:" "Lots of gangsters, lots of the things in safety deposit boxes are stolen, aren't they?" "It's because you're not allowed to go and look in safety deposit boxes so anything you steal, Stephen, you can put in a safety deposit box." "Could be a material thing, could be a concept, somebody else's idea, you put it away in there..." "Could be the best dressing room." "This is true, it's been reported victims include the Adams family, not THAT Addams family." "The Adams family that are Britain's most notorious crime family." "You wouldn't want them after you, you'd rather have the police than the Adams family." "But I'm sure they're lovely people." "The Tesco's pasty." "A man from Canary Wharf in London bought a Tesco's creamy chicken bake only to find it had no filling." "The Mirror reported the customer had been expecting to find..." "Exactly!" "Yeah, that would've been so much nicer." "What did Richard Bootman of Bury St Edmunds find in his Aldi steak-and-onion flavoured crisps recently?" "A barn owl." "No." "He found one single uncooked potato." "They have all been found empty apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet which was returned this week after 14 years with nearly double the amount of money inside." "This week, a man bought an empty creamy chicken bake from Tesco." "Overwhelmed with embarrassment and remorse," "Tesco offered the shopper compensation in the form of..." "Not even an actual pound but a card you have to spend in their shitty shop." "Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features, as its guest publication," " The Barometer Magazine." " Ah, yes." "I'm now supposed to make a joke about barometers." "Ooh, the pressure." "And we start with..." "Putting her in a headlock!" "The answer is just by folding a £10 note" " you can put the Queen in a bad mood." " Oh." "This is the news that a man has discovered that just by folding a £10 note in two places, you can change the Queen's expression from good to bad." "Let's have a look." "Next..." "It took weeks to find a buyer for the smaller barometer in the world." " Is half right." " Oh." " The answer is..." " Oh." " This is from The Barometer Magazine." "The barometer collector was called..." "He doesn't need a barometer, surely he can just feel it coming in the air tonight." "APPLAUSE" "Next..." "Can I get a rectal one?" "How would you like one of these in your hallway?" "The answer is..." "This is from, believe it or not, The Barometer Magazine." "Do you tap them or not was also the most-asked question about phones at News International." "The answer?" "A big, fat yes." "And lastly..." "Is it Nan-net?" " Oh." " That's good." " Thank you very much." " Ram-brandt!" "APPLAUSE" "No, it's not right." "Goat that can paint called..." "This is a goat in Mexico who's taken up painting and charges 40 per work." "Van Goat has many fans but sadly has had to leave Twitter because of all the trolls." "So the final scores are..." "Paul and Miles have five but this week's winner, Ian and Camilla with six." " APPLAUSE" " Well done." "And I leave you with news that there's sensation in the music industry as" "Boy George is sued by the original songwriter of Karma Chameleon." "During a speech in Crewe, George Osborne begins to regret allowing a disgruntled rail employee to set up his podium." "And as Kim Jong-un boasts that he learned to drive at the age of three, evidence emerges to back up his claim." "Goodnight." "APPLAUSE"