"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "Beware, gentle viewer, beware... for somewhere within the dark and aged walls of Castle Duckula... the vampire Count himself stoops over his hideous work... as a thin stream of dark liquid spells out the awful truth." "Hmm." "Did someone ring?" "I did, Nanny." "Oh." "Nanny, for heaven's sake... why did you have to come through the ceiling?" "'Cause I was upstairs doing the bedrooms, of course." "I mean, why couldn't you have used the door?" "Oh, don't be silly, Duckypoos." "Ceilings don't have doors." "Oh, yes." "Why didn't I think of that?" "Hmm." "And why were you doing the bedrooms?" "Don't we have a chambermaid anymore?" "Ooh, I haven't seen her since the werewolf took her for a walk." "Hmm." "Don't you mean "since she took the werewolf for a walk"?" "I think you'll find, sir, that Nanny knows what she means." "Another one gone?" "Look, Igor, get all the staff in here for a meeting... now." "Very good, sir." "Well, go on, then." "The staff, milord." "The st..." "Do you..." "Are you telling..." " You..." " We are the staff, milord." "But this is terrible, terrible." "Couldn't you get a team together from the prisoners in the dungeon?" "I could glue a team together from the prisoners in the dungeon." "Glue?" "What do you mean, glue?" "Well, they're not altogether all together, milord." "Don't tell me, don't tell me." "Don't tell him, Mr. Igor, don't tell him!" "Yes, all right." "Thank you, Nanny." "I mean, Nanny, that the only thing to do is to recruit some more staff." "And I shall see to it myself." "Tell the coachman..." "Oh." "Tell the undercoachman to..." "Just bring my bicycle round to the back door, will you?" "Ooh, now, then, I had a bit of trouble with the back door." " Oh, Nanny, Nanny." " Nanny, Nanny." "Oh, he didn't." "Oh, he didn't!" "Did he?" "Did he?" "Did he?" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, yeah." " Oh, he didn't." " Oh, he didn't." "Just a minute, Sharon." "Yeah?" "I'm sorry to interrupt this discussion... on the history of European philosophy..." " You what?" " Never mind, never mind." "I am Count Duckula of Transylvania, and..." "It's all right, Sharon." "It's no one important." "Look, I..." "Just take a seat in the waiting room." "Mrs. Grab will be there in a minute." " Mrs. Grab?" " Mrs. Grab." "So, then what, Sharon?" "Oh, he didn't." "Did he?" "Did he?" "Did he?" " Yeah, yeah." " Hmm." "Aha." "That's more like it." "Mr. Duckula?" "Count Duckula." "Count Duckula." "Oh, my goodness." "That should be worth another 20%." "I'm Mrs. Grab." "Really?" "I know your unmarried sister, Miss Take." "Oh, ho ho ho!" "My word, an aristocratic butler... who tells jokes... another 35%." "But-But-Butler?" "I am not a b-butler." "Not a butler?" "A footman, then?" "No." "Head gardener?" "No!" "I am looking for extra staff." "You mean you're a... an employer?" "Yes." "Then what are you doing in here?" "You should be in the other waiting room." "This is only for our important clients." "Just a minute, just a minute!" "I am Count Duckula." "I want a couple of coachmen, a gardener... a downstairs maid, a cook or two..." "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha ha ha?" "Ha ha ha ha ha." "And what does that mean?" "It means that everyone wants coachmen, gardeners... downstairs maids, cooks... and most of all, butlers and nannies." "Oh, well, I already have a..." "Just a minute." "How much would I have to pay for a butler and a nanny?" " Lf you could get one?" " Yes, if I could get one." "Seven thousand Transylvanian drachmas a week for the butler... and six thousand five hundred for the nanny." "Seven thou..." "Six and a half..." "You mean..." "Look, I think there's been some misunderstanding here." "You seem to think that I'm looking for extra staff." "I had got that impression, yes." "Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha?" "Yeah." "Ha ha ha ha ha." "And what does that mean?" "It means I can offer you the services... of a first class castle-trained... cringingly servile butler and a nanny combination." "Available as of now." "Have some caviar, a glass of champagne, and tell me all about it." "Hmm." "Ooh, Duckypoos, how can you do this to us?" "I can't bear to be parted from you." "I can bear being parted from you, milord... but why does she have to come as well?" "Because I get twice as much for..." "Because you'll be company for each other." "And it's only for ten or twenty years." "And you'll be working in a lovely home... with all the latest labor-saving devices." "You'll have nothing to do but make me rich." "Uh, but take it easy." "Ooh, same program on that channel and all." "I'm fed up with Jack bloomin' Cousteau." "Ah, there you are, Nanny." "And how are you settling in?" "Oh, I'm just fine, Mr. Edelweiss." "Ah, Nouveau-Riche." "That's what I said..." "Edelweiss." "Yeah." "Did you sleep well?" "Ooh, yes." "How did you like the waterbed?" "Well, I thought it was a good idea... but it would have been nicer with a squeeze of lemon." "Ah, a squeeze..." "You don't... you don't mean that you drank the water?" "Well, I couldn't very well sleep on it, now, could I?" "No, no." "No, no, of course not." "Ha ha ha ha." "Well, why are you sitting in here, Nanny?" "Wouldn't it be more comfortable in your sitting room?" "Well, I'm watching television, but it's all this underwater stuff." "Underwater stuff?" "There aren't even any fishes." "Ha ha." "Nanny, you know I don't want to upset you in any way at all... but that's the washing machine." "Well, I never." "I never knew television sets could do that." "Oh." "Oh, I'm dying of hunger." "No hot cocoa and chocky bickies... no broccoli sandwiches, no spaghetti pie and custard." "And look at my hands... rough and red from ironing the dishes and scrubbing the sheets." "What am I going to..." "Igor!" "Igor?" "Igor, the teleph..." "Oh, drat." "All right, all right, I'm coming, I'm coming already." "Hello." "Who?" "Oh, Mrs. Nouveau-Riche." "No, I don't think we have been introduced." "Come to what?" "Dinner?" "I'll say I'll come to..." "I'll see if I'm free to come to dinner." "Could you hold on one moment?" "Thank you." "Igor, look in my diary for the fifteenth, will you?" "Won't keep you a moment." "The butler is just checking." "Yes, Igor." "Oh, your butler is called Igor, too?" "Oh." "Your new butler?" "Yes, what a coincidence." "You don't have any female staff, do you?" "How nice." "Oh, how nice." "Mm-hmm." "And she's called..." "Nanny?" "This is terrible." "The first chance of a decent meal all week... and it has to be the woman who's hired Igor and Nanny." "Hmm." "I can't turn up there." "They'll find out that I haven't got a butler or a nanny." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Ha ha ha ha ha." "Heh heh heh heh." "Yes, of course." "No." "I'm afraid that I have another engagement on the fifteenth... but my second cousin from the deep South... the honorable, um, Lobelia w-would love to." "Yes, it is a lovely name, isn't it?" "We... she would love to come in my place." "I mean, to your place in my place, at your place." "Exactly, yes." "Yes, it is amusing." "Oh, that's so kind." "Isn't that kind, Carnation?" "Ahem." "I mean, Lobelia?" "Well, then, Mrs. Nouveau-Riche..." "or may I call you Noo-noo?" "Oh, right." "Right, then, Mrs. Nouveau-Riche." "I'll see you on the..." "That is, I'll see my sister on the..." "No, that is my sister will meet me on... no." "Oh, goodness me." "The cat's on fire." "Simply must dash." "Bye!" "Phew!" "Oh, well, never mind." "Only three more days, and I can get to eat." "Oh!" "Oh, it's all going to look just perfect." "And you've got the menu for the dinner party?" " I have, ma'am." " Oh, ho!" "How exciting." "Do tell, do tell." "Yes, ma'am." "Beet root soup." "Yes." "Red mullet a I'assassin." "Yes." "Steak tartare with red cabbage." " Yes." " Red Cheshire cheese." "Yes." "And red currant mousse with blood oranges." "Yes." "Well, ahem." "It's awfully clever, but, um, isn't it a little... well, red?" "It has to be, ma'am, to match the sauce." "Oh, oh, the sauce." "Yes." "Is there anything else, ma'am?" "Uh, no." "Well... well, um..." "That is... ahem." "Look, Igor, I don't want you to think..." "I'm casting aspersions on your colleague..." "No, ma'am." "Paving slabs are much more effective." "Oh!" "No." "It's just that my husband feels that, um, well... he'd rather..." "That is, he doesn't want..." "Well, that is... he says that if that great stupid fat hen... goes anywhere near his electronic control equipment... he'll strangle her with his bare hands." "A very reasonable attitude, if I may say so, ma'am." "But have no fear." "I have the master controller for all the household devices." "And you know what to do?" "I do, ma'am." "Table down." "Oh!" "Oh, that's lovely." "Chairs down." "Divine, divine." "Automatic helping dispensers." "Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely." "Ha ha ha." "The Tallboys and the Chewings will be just green with envy." "Green?" "Ugh!" "Now, please remember, Igor... that Nanny is merely to get the door and take people coats." "Then she can go to her room and watch television out of harm's way." "I quite understand, ma'am." "It shall be as you say." "Yes." "Now I shall go and change." "Goodness, this place is quiet." "I haven't heard the smash of a sofa for days." "Oh, if only I wasn't starving to death..." "I'd never miss that pair of lunatics." "Well, land sakes, Begonia... if you ain't the pride of the plantation, my darlin'." "Food, food." "I think I'll take my really big handbag." "Then I can fill it full of goodies." "I just hope they go for broccoli sandwiches in a big way." "Yes, well, I suppose you'll do, Nanny." "Some people find haystacks quite romantic." "Ooh, that's nice." "Now, just remember... you get the door, and you hang up people's coats... and that's all." "I gets the hay, and I hangs people's doors." "Yes." "No, Nanny, no." "Look, watch my beak." "You get the door..." "I gets the door..." "Then you hangs up people's coats." "You hang up people's coats." "I hangs up people's coats." "I hang up people's coats." "That's it." "Now, don't forget." "Hey, this is some place." "Let's hope the food's as good as the real estate." "That's funny." "I thought for a moment I could smell beet root soup." "He'd never try that on the Nouveau-Riches... would he?" "Well, never you mind, Nemesia, my darlin' girl." "Just you ring that little old doorbell... and standby with your eating' iron." "Ooh, there's someone now." "Off you go, then." "I gets the door, and I hangs up people's coats." "I gets the door, and I hangs up people's coats." "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "Nanny, put me down, you hear?" "Will you put me down?" "There we are." " Nanny!" " Yes?" "What is that in your hand?" "Oh, silly, it's the door." "Get the door, you said, and I got it." "Haven't I got it, Mr. Igor?" "Yes, yes, Nanny, you got it, but I meant..." " Nanny." " Yes?" "And where, Nanny, is the coat?" "It's hanging up in the wardrobe." "Oh, no!" "I'm coming!" "I'm most fearfully sorry, Madam." " The housekeeper." " The housekeeper?" " Nanny!" " You know her, madam?" "Uh, know her?" "My goodness, of course I don't know her." "A lady in my position don't know no one... as humble and as lowly as that." "No." "I was merely going to say that Nanny..." "Nanny a true word is spoken in jest." " In jest?" " In jest a minute or two..." "I'm a-goin' to faint clean away... if I don't get a morsel or two between my ruby beak..." "lips." "Aw, how could you do it, Nanny?" "How could you do it?" "It was a bit tricky with the bad arm, but I just..." "No more." "Just don't say another word." "You just stay right here and watch the television." "You understand?" " But I..." " Not another word." " Here." " Oh, but..." "Ah." "Aha." "Now, look, zap all the channels you want to... but don't get the door, wherever it is... don't take the coats... and don't, don't, don't come anywhere near the dining room." "Now, is that clear?" " Well, I..." " Not a word!" "Good night." "He wants to watch his blood pressure does that one." "Oh, well." "Well, my pretty one... that was the most flavorsome beet root soup..." "I ever tasted, und you're not eating it." "Ha." "No, well, I'm a vegetarian, my dear." "So?" "Beet root soup is wegetables." "Not the way Igor makes it." "No, I mean I'm just not too Igor to taste it." "Hey, you know, mein kleine orange blossom... you're really pretty when you're laughing." "Ha ha." "Why, Doctor Van G, you old rascal, you." "How's about we sit on the porch und make beautiful music?" "How's about we stay right here and eat broccoli sandwiches?" "Hey, you know, when you say broccoli sandwiches... you're reminding me of someone else." "Why, Doctor, I don't know what you mean." "And now, darling, darling people, it's time for the steak." "Aah!" "The stake?" "Here, wait a moment." "What's happened to your woice?" "All right, Igor, will you operate the Servomatic?" " Ooh!" " Wonderful, wonderful." "Certainly, madame." "What the..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, silly, silly Igor." "You've got the television controller." "So I have." "I do beg your..." "Where's the master control with the..." "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "Quick!" "Well, I don't think much of this one, neither, even if it is in color." "Hey, ho, try again." "Hey, who stole my dinner?" "I'm starving." "Aah!" "You!" "Duckula, you monster!" "This time you shall perish, you... you wampire!" "Wunderbar!" "I can explain!" "I mean, I can explain!" "Too late!" "Ow!" "Oh, my dinner party!" "Oh, my house!" " Mein head!" " My goodness!" "Mind yourselves!" "Hey, it's Igor, sweeping all before him." " What has happened to your voice?" " What has happened to my dinner?" "The dinner's off!" "Wrong again." "The dinner's on Igor." "Yow!" "Yow!" "Yow!" "Yow!" "You idiot!" "Look what you've done to my wife!" "Look what you've done to my suit." " I'll kill you for this!" " Aah!" "Aah!" "How dare you!" "Out!" "Out!" "Get out!" "And don't you ever come back!" "We were leaving anyway." "Who wants to stay in a house with no front door?" "And nothing on the television?" "And not a decent drop of blood in the cellar?" "And I never had the dessert!" "Ooh." "Why can't I keep my big beak shut?" "Ooh." "And so as Castle Duckula sinks slowly in the West... a strangely sinister red stain... spreading over the snow white vestments of a bald southern belle... tells its own awful story." "Good night out there, whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"