"Sabrina, it's Valentine's Day." "You should definitely wear red to the dance." "Yeah, because no one else will have that idea." "Hey, there's Ken." "I'll bet he followed you here." "Stop it." "Hi, Ken." "Valerie." "What do you think?" "Picture it with a Wonderbra." "[LAUGHS]" "He loves you." "Yeah, that was him asking me to marry him." "Hey, Val, you should get this dress for the dance." "That way you'll be ready if..." "Let's see, who might ask you?" "Kenny-poo?" "This is a great dress." " Look at the price." "Ouch." " Oh, well." "My mom's plaid formal has a certain charm." "[MOANING]" "Oh!" "Now, I didn't do that." " Hey, Val." "You didn't see this tag." " Wow, 20 percent off." "Hey, with a sale like this," "I might be able to afford an even better dress." "Val, this one." "I" " I think it's a Presidents' Day sale, and all the other dresses are Canadian." "Do you like my wedding dress?" "I'm on my way, Val, as soon as I find my red sweater." "SALEM:" "I'm reading." "Yes, I've been listening to what you said." "Let me recap: "Ken, Ken, Ken." See you." "Salem, my sweater." "Did you do this?" "Hey, I was as shocked as you." "We have a major moth problem." "Oh." "By the way," "Zelda and I are chaperoning the school dance Friday." "What?" "Why don't you just hang a big "nerd girl" sign around my neck?" "Okay." "Nobody likes a house where you can't speak figuratively." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Hello, Sabrina." " Actually, I was here" " My Aunt Hilda is right in there." "Oh, you dropped your "nerd girl" sign." " Thanks." " What can we do for you, Mr. Kraft?" "Well, I heard you were chaperoning, so I thought I'd drop off the dance rules." "Okay, then." "Be careful driving home." "Our street tends to be slick." "You know, I will be at the dance myself, and I was just thinking, you know, if the kids are under control, and there's a slow dance" "You know, especially watch the dip at the bottom of the hill." " I will." "Okay." "HILDA:" "Very dangerous." "And thanks for the rules." "We'll make sure there's no" "Racketeering?" "We have to get dates or you have to kill me." "Do you have any more money?" " We don't have enough for a tip." " I think I'm wiped out." "Let me see." "There." "Fifty cents." "Think it's the thought that counts?" " Hi, Mrs. Popowski." " Salinas." "Wow, two whole quarters." "Won't have to sweat the rent this month." "Emergency." "We just ran out of money, and for once, I'm actually being fun." " We're tapped out." " Oh." "Great." "Ken's leaving." "Hey, Val, we won some free ones." "I shall have to postpone my victory dance." "It's my lucky day." "Gotta call the mister." "It's steak tonight." "Where's my algebra book?" " Looking for this?" " Roland." "Give me that." "You're a finder, not a taker." "Not anymore." "I've changed careers." "I'm an equaliser." "By the way, you look lovely." " A what?" " An equaliser." "You take from someone, I take from you." "It evens things out in the universe." "And this job has dental." " What have I taken?" " Well, let's see." "You took 20 percent off a dress, I took 20 percent of your sweater." "You took pinball games, I took your algebra book." " Sabrina, who is this gentleman?" " Roland, my cousin." "And who's this bozo?" "Your new boyfriend?" "Our vice principal." "Roland, perhaps you missed the sign stating that all visitors must report to the office before wandering aimlessly around the school grounds." "Are you implying that I can't read?" "Sorry, he's hypoglycemic." "KRAFT:" "Nurse!" " I want my sweater fixed." " Hey, Sabrina." " Oh." "Look who it is." "Farm boy." "Isn't this your aunts' friend that I met last year?" "If that's who I said he was." "Wanna make something of it, farm boy?" "Not really." "I just wanted to tell Sabrina something about the dance on Friday." "Ooh." "Are we going to the dance together?" "Mind if I throw up?" "What I wanted to tell you was that" "I can't go to the dance." "I have to accompany my dad to a termite convention." "I can't believe I forgot about it." "I don't even remember hearing about it." "Okay, we're up to the Z's, and so far, every man we know is either married, busy or disgusting." "Several were all three." "What's wrong with you?" "You've got a date for Valentine's Day." "Not anymore." "I'm being equalised." "[GASPS]" "Oh, please say you didn't take anyone's pet." "So I wasn't stealing, per se." "I was just trying to help Valerie." "We understand, but it was still wrong." "I took Belgium once to help Napoleon." "Big trouble." "What do I do?" "I have to get rid of Roland." "He still wants to marry me." "You have to give back the things you took." "Okay, I'll just zap the dress into the store and some money into the pinball machine." " Goodbye love-smitten equaliser." " No, it's not that easy." "When you're equalising, you have to put forth more effort." "Basically, you have to give things back by hand." "Which is how I came to participate in a little thing called Waterloo." "Let me get this straight." "You felt so bad about the other night that you came all the way down here to give me money to give to the pinball-machine man." " If you don't mind." " No, of course not." "The pinball man is always running himself ragged bringing you kids extra napkins or refilling your free drinks." "No one works harder than the pinball-machine man." "Great." "So you don't mind." "ZELDA:" "Well, I think we should." "I'm against it." "That guy gives me the willies." "Fine, you're the one who wants a date." "You're right." "Okay, let's do it." "Love is special, love is alive Send me Cupid for 5.95" " You look awful." " Hilda, it's his busy time of year." "Oh, that's not it." "I was just left at the altar." "My fiancée ran off with a policeman." "She never could resist a man in clothes." " You wore that to get married?" " It was a formal wedding." "That's enough." "I'm getting out of the love business." "I think it's time to resign ourselves to the obvious." "We're not meant to have dates for this dance." "Maybe you can, but I can't, not with Willard Kraft and his Binaca breath." "I'll bet I can get him to snap out of it." "Come on, Cupie." "How much did you really like her?" "[SOBBING]" "Why?" "There you go." "One debt erased." "Great, but I can't ask Valerie to return the dress." "She loves it too much." " You could sew a duplicate." " Sew?" "I can't even staple correctly." "Sewing's easy." "I just sewed a bed skirt last weekend." "Do your aunts have a sewing room?" "In the dungeon, next to the bomb shelter." "A spinning wheel?" "What, a loom is too high tech?" "I can't do this." "All witches can spin." "Just sit down and give it a whirl, so to speak." "Why do I have the feeling you're gonna tell me your real name is Rumpelstiltskin?" "This will make you believe in love again." ""What can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died?"" "Good riddance." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Hi, Valerie." "I'll call Sabrina." "Sabrina." "SALEM:" "She's in the dungeon with Roland." "ZELDA:" "In the dungeon?" "SALEM:" "Yeah." " Is there any leftover pie?" " Valerie, she'll call you back." " Hey." " Yes, there's pie." "This is great." "I think I may have found my old-age hobby." "Wow, I never noticed how inviting this spinning-wheel spindle is." " Do you think it would prick me?" " No." "Give it a try." "And this is my lovely bride." "CROWD:" "Ooh." "[SNORING]" "Touch it." "Touch it." "Roland." "Stop." "How dare you try to prick Sabrina's finger on that spindle so you could run off with her?" "What?" "I was only gonna keep her for a century or two." " What?" " You know very well that Sleeping Beauty spells are illegal ever since, well, Sleeping Beauty." "Hold it." "Roland, I thought we settled this last time." " I'm not interested in marrying you." " Dating?" "Fine." "But we're still not square." "See, how she lays her hand upon her cheek!" "Ken just found out he got the part of Romeo in the school play." " How can you tell?" " He's so much fun." " I wish he'd ask me to the dance." " Why don't you ask him?" "Because if he doesn't ask me," "I can always assume that it slipped his mind." "But if I ask him and he says no, no amount of delusion will fix it." "Tell you what." "Why don't I feel him out for you?" "As long as you're willing to lie about anything negative." "Absolutely." " Hi, Ken." " Sabrina." "What light through yonder window breaks?" "Explosion in the chem. lab?" "I was just wondering if you were taking anyone to the dance on Friday." "Why, Sabrina, I'd lovest to go." " Thou hast stolen my heart." " No" "Valerie." "Valerie." " Stole a mortal's heart, eh?" " No, he was just goofing." "Sabrina, you took his heart, I'm taking yours." "Still need that hall pass, mister." "And now your heart belongs to me." "Sabrina." "Are you going to the dance with Ken?" "Wait for me, my darling." "Okay." "You can look." "I love it." "Well, it's not as big as a castle, but I just feel more at home under a bridge." "[RUMBLING]" "What's that sound?" "Oh, that's just the billy goats crossing." "You'll get used to it." "It's like living near an airport." "Who's this?" "That's just my old girlfriend, Thumbelina." "Well, the picture has to go." " You're all mine now." " Yes, ma'am." "So, what do you wanna do?" " Gaze lovingly into your eyes." " Okay." "Oh, come on." "You've gotta cheer up." "I mean, I need a date, and..." "I need a date." "So how goes it with diaper dan?" "Well, it's more challenging than building the Panama Canal, but then, less malaria." "Look." " What?" "You're fighting a yawn?" " A smile." "You told a joke and it made me smile." "I've seen bigger on a Lutheran." "I can't believe it." "I thought I'd never smile again." "You're cured." "Hallelujah." "Now, there's the most adorable fireman down the street." "And I owe it all to you, Hilda." " My Hilda." " Uh-oh." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "I'll get it." " Hello, Hilda." " Oh, great." "One more gentleman caller, and we can put on The Glass Menagerie." " Who's he?" " Who's he?" "I am someone who has the decency not to wear a diaper in front of a lady." " What?" "Why, you" " Come on, just" "ZELDA:" "What on Earth?" "KRAFT:" "Get your hands off her." "Willard, what do you want?" "Well, I came to speak to you about your niece's strange behaviour in school with her cousin." " Cousin?" "Roland." " Cousin?" "Roland." "I have a bad feeling about this." "I'm gonna call Valerie." "I'll help her." " Afraid to show your legs?" " Nice perm." "She's not at Valerie's." " The Other Realm." " Let's go." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." " You, go." " You, come." "But why does he get to...?" "Oh, man." " Why did you bring him along?" " So we could use the car-pool lane." "I made you a personal pan pizza." "Is there anything else I could do to make you ecstatically happy?" "Pepper flakes?" "CUPID:" "Wait up, Hildie." "HILDA:" "Go away." "ZELDA:" "Maybe we should have ditched him at Stuckey's." "That sounds like my aunts." "Aunt Zelda." "Aunt Hilda." " Cupid?" " He's in love with me." "Ignore him." " We're here to rescue you." " Rescue me?" "But I love it here." "I love this mouldy home." "I love Roland." "Okay, what have you done to her?" "I think I know, sweetie." "I am in the love biz." "He's taken her heart." "It was a fair deal." "She stole a boy's heart, I took hers." "You are not allowed to equalise for your own benefit." " Give it back now." " No, I don't want it back." "I want my Roly to keep it forever and ever." "Did you also give her a saccharine pill?" "Sabrina has spoken." "Now, if you'll excuse us, the ogre and his lady friend are coming over for dinner." "And there's not enough entrails for everyone." "ROLAND:" "That's right." " Hilda, love of my life." " Oh, no, not another one." " Roland." " Sabrina, the other love of my life." "Help me." "I love you." "But I still love you." "Why did you hit me with that arrow?" "So that you would see that it's wrong to mess with people's hearts." "Unless you're a licensed professional." "Give Sabrina's heart back." "Now." "I will if you'll grant me one favour." "It better not involve me and a trip to Make-Out Point." "I will grant you one request within reason." " But first, the heart." " No, I don't care if he does love Hilda." "I still want Roland" " Away from me." "Yuck." "I can't believe I was eating soup out of a sheep's stomach." " Are you sure you don't wanna stay?" " Very sure." "But if I change my mind about living in hell with a man I can't stand, I'll let you know." "I'm out of here." "How about you?" "Not if you were the last troll living under a bridge on Earth." "Don't worry." "It was only a cheapo infatuation arrow." " It will wear off by sundown." " Good." "My feelings, however, are the real thing." "[GROANS]" "Now, Roland, what is your request?" "Granted." "[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]" "Can't believe Aunt Zelda granted your wish to come to one dance with me." " You want me to spin you again?" " No." "I'm still mad at you for taking Harvey away." "Boy, you really know how to hold a grudge." "I'm gonna go request another disco song so we can bump." " So how's your date working out?" " Okay." "He's not so bad once you put pants on him." "Yeah." "But maybe he should have taken the diaper off first." " Hi." " Hi." " Listen, Val, I didn't" " Sabrina, I'm not mad at you." "It's not your fault Ken doesn't like me." "And believe it or not, I don't think it's my fault." "Good for you." "Hey, if you wanna dance, I'll share Roland." "In fact, I'll give you 5 bucks to take him off my hands." " Great." "There's Ken." " How did you spot him?" "Miss Birkhead, this is a social event." "It is not a place for conversation." "Will you stop that?" "I know these are practical, but, darn it, fashion means something to me." "Mind if I borrow your date?" "Okay, but bring him back if there's a slow song." "I don't wanna look like a loser." " Okay, see that girl over there?" " Yeah." "Okay, I want you to work your magic to make him attracted to her." "Oh, shoot, you didn't bring your arrows." "Hilda wouldn't let me." "Never fear." "I brought a peashooter and love peas." "Can't do it." "It would be a waste of a pea." "You mean there's no hope for those two?" "No, there's no need." "That boy is already crazy about that girl." " He's just shy." " Ken, shy?" "Well, some people cover up shyness with bravado." "Well, the job requires a certain amount of psychology." "Well, if it's true that Ken likes Val, then maybe there's a little something I can do." "Wanna dance?" "I'd love to." "I've been wishing you'd ask." "Miss Birkhead, that punch will not serve itself." "Thanks." "Excuse us." "Would you give Zelda a little evening's affection?" "Look, I don't wanna be working all night." "But for you, okay." " Oh, dear Lord." " Two birds with one stone." "Zelda's happy, and that goob is no longer fishing in my creek." "Gross to what you just said, and gross to what you just did." " May I have this dance?" " Oh, yes." " The deal was one dance." " I know." "I want to apologise." "I was wrong to try and steal your heart through magic." "I just wanted you to like me." "That was nice." "Roland, I like it when you're nice." " So we're engaged?" " No." "Look, I wanna equalise what I did to you." "You're gonna set up a large trust fund?" "No." "SABRINA:" "Harvey." "I can't believe I thought I had to go to a father-son termite convention." "According to my dad, there is no such thing." "Well, now that you're here, you wanna dance?" "You bet." "[SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]" "Thumby?" "[MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]" "[PEOPLE CHEERING]"