"Dangerous dog" "Look, they've got a dog." " Wow!" " Hello." " Are you from the TV?" " Yeah, that's right." " Hello." " Hello." " Hello." " Hi." " Are you ﬁlming?" " More or less." "That's great." "Come in." "This is unbelievable." "This is crazy." "|'m Jacques." "So that's the kitchen." "It's a lovely classic kitchen." "The living room." "This is it." "This is self-illuminating marble." "I chose it." "This here is Carrara marble." " That's a 1st for me." " Me too." "It's from Carrara, anyway." "So, anyway, I..." "I don't play the piano." "This is my little Titou, the cat." "I like him a lot." "He's always here." "So here, record this, because there's alcohol from everywhere, from every continent." "It's cosy here, I think." "Who's the happiest one here?" "The ﬁreplace, in marble again." "It's decorative." "We don't use it a lot." "We've put crap in it." "Touch it." "You'd think it was a picture." "Go ahead, touch it." "This ashtray, it's Odile and Jacques, my wife and I. It was a gift from cousins." "Isn't it sweet?" "FRIENDS FOR SALE" "Well then, let's go for it." "Hello." " Are we waiting for your wife?" " We're waiting for my wife." "Odile?" "Would you like us to get her?" "Odile!" "Odile!" "Odile!" "Come here!" "Odile, come here, come here." "Hello." "Wow!" "Actually, my wife and I, we were getting bored." "After 20 years of marriage, the endless litany of really annoying evenings in front of atrocious TV started to come between us." "And well, it wasn't our quarterly sexual encounters together that Odile reluctantly accepted that was going to bring us together." "We were close to splitting up." "When you say break up, you also say lawyers, alimony, division of goods." "It was at that time, that Odile read an advert on the promotional sale of friends in a supermarket not far from here." "At ﬁrst it surprised me." "I didn't know you could buy friends." "I thought you had to make them." "What a cliché." "So we decided to buy a couple of friends." "They are mediocre people like us." "They are impressionable, menial and without pretence." "In any case, they're not scary." "I got use to them so very quickly." "Would you like to..." "Well yes, don't you want to see them?" "They're here for that, wait." "We bought them." "The earrings!" "So..." "It's with great joy and pride that we present to you," "Mr Guy Begond and his wife, Juliette," "our friends." " Hello." " Hello." " Hello." " Hello." "How are you doing?" "Everything OK?" "How's work and the family?" "I'm so happy you're here, you can't imagine how much!" "Juliette, you are resplendent, my darling." "That dress suits you marvellously." "You look like you're in bloom with a young girl's colour and a star's smile." "Odile, Jacques, it's a great joy to see both of you." "What harmony!" " It's heavenly." " Heavenly." "Guy is a poet." "But he's right, who doesn't envy you?" "You've got a good job, a marvellous house, a very pretty bath, perfectly disinfected toilets, an original tea service and lastly, Jacques' got a lovely head." "That's important." "And Odile is so funny, really funny." " Am I funny?" " Oh yes." "Very, very funny." "We never get bored with you." "You say such deep, sad things, but in such a gay way!" "It's not your only quality." "You are very beautiful and very intelligent." "It's worth it, isn't it?" "They were very cheap." "We appreciate them enormously." "Your house is so welcoming, we feel so great in it." "You're a woman of great taste." "I'm sure you could have been a painter or a sculptor." "Your soul is artistic." "This brown, this green, this gilding." "Yes, this brown, this green, this gilt, it's..." "All of it is very admirable." "You've got a lot to do with it too." "Living in the shadow of such a great tree, one must feel very safe." "That's true." "Jacques makes me feel so safe." "He is economical." "He is always on time, or even early." "He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke." "He has very moderate sexual needs." "Of course, he's a little bit boring." "He's has no interests." "He has nothing to say." "But I'm renowned for being annoying, so how can I reproach him for being boring?" "That's true." "You can't say the opposite." " You're annoying." " I know." "I know that." "But isn't this what makes one charming and individual?" "Everyone else is so interesting." "It's extraordinary to meet someone so annoying." "That's what I've always said." "Otherwise, I couldn't have married her." " We are so happy." " Oh, yes." "So happy" "What would you like to do today?" "What takes your fancy?" "If you'd rather just be alone together, just say so." "We'd be more bothered by putting you out than by leaving." "It wouldn't be without regret though." "The best moments of our life are those we spend with you." "We love you too much to not happily give in to all your desires or even your smallest whims." " That's friendship." " Real friendship." "There's generally a notion of reciprocity in friendship which makes it uninteresting." "If someone bends over backwards for you, it's nice and natural." "But if you have to do that in return, where's the fun?" "That's the advantage of buying friends." "They do everything and ask for nothing." "For example, you would feel obliged to stop a friend who just arrived from leaving yours even if he's leaving to give you some peace." "But with a friend who you've bought, there's no such obligation." "You can send them away just like that." "In fact that's a pleasure I ﬁnd hard to resist." "Sorry!" "We would actually rather be alone." "Very well." "We will vanish." "We're sad to leave but happy to be of assistance." "Isn't that extraordinary?" "This feeling of strength, of absolute power gives me a real feeling of well-being." "If you knew how much we paid for them!" "Less than a fridge or a washing machine." "Cheaper than almost everything." "Neither of us smoke so we could afford it." "And, they don't really leave." "They go into the cupboard." "They tidy themselves away, until we feel the need of their presence again." "They have to." "We must feed them as well." "We budget for that." "They're happy with little, usually just the leftovers." "Except on Sundays when we open a tin of something for them." "It's the lord's day after all." "It's a day when one must be good." "It's not natural to us." "It's a real effort." "What if we went to the supermarket?" "Have you got green ﬁngers but no friends?" "That doesn't matter." "At the moment, buy a couple of friends and get a bonsai for free." "We're happy here, right?" "Look, look, there's a bird." "That's worth two walks in the forest." "I like queuing at the checkout with my full trolley." "We like to check the receipt." "We love that." "It's one of our rituals." "When we luckily ﬁnd a mistake, it's ecstasy." " There's a problem." " Call him..." "What's going on?" "Can you call..." "She demands respect." "We've been billed 2 packs of toilet paper but we've only bought one." "We'll sort this out." "That's good." "This is enjoyable." "Our little pleasure." " Sorry?" " What could...?" "Make people want to be sold as friends, is that it?" "It's very simple." " We were bankrupt." " Outcasts." "We had no family to help us." " The street was our next option." " It was the street or the cupboard, we chose the cupboard." " We don't regret it." " No." "Jacques and Odile are dumb but not mean." " I wouldn't say that." " Wouldn't you?" "Dumb, yes totally." "You say they're not mean but they are mean." "Well, like everyone." " They let us live in a cupboard." " Of course, yes." "In any case, whatever." "We belong to them, full stop." "At least we're together." "That's true." "We could have been sold separately." "The supermarket supervisor could have separated us." "They might have only needed one." "We escaped the worst." "They're there." "Hello." "My friends." "Our friends!" " Sit down." " Sit, you'll be comfortable here." "We're going to have a lovely afternoon." "Oh, yes." "Cheese." "Let's talk literature, painting, dance, sculptures, architecture, perfume." "I love your perfume, Juliette." "But I wouldn't change mine for anything." "Oh I understand you." "We're like two sisters." "I didn't make you lunch." "I didn't have time." "And... we already ate." "Very well actually." "It was delicious." "But let's have a drink." "What would you like?" "The rest of an old cheap bottle of wine?" " A glass of tap water?" " Yes." "Yes." "A big glass of water." "I'm so thirsty." "Nothing is more refreshing than a big glass of cold water." "We only have small glasses and the water is warm." "What matters is not what one is given, but the way one is given it." "There you go." "Yeah, no risks there." "So, Juliette?" "Did you finally read -'s last novel?" "Fabulous, wasn't it?" "Thrilling." "even scary sometimes, right?" "Yes, yes scary, really scary." "But so ﬁne and so intelligent." "He's got so much wit, so much wit." "He's almost as good as" "OI' 8S -..." "They're two authors I love." "Darling, we don't understand what you're talking about." "Names are missing from your sentences." " S last novel, he's almost at the same level as -, or as -."" "It doesn't make sense." "Really?" "They're sentences I learnt at conversation classes." "I thought I was using them right." " You did use them well." " Excellently even." "Only, you've got to ﬁll the blank spaces with authors' names." "Otherwise, it makes no sense." "If you say so, it must be true." "You're so clever." " But what names?" " Well, I don't know." " La Fontaine, for example." " Oh yes." "I love La Fontaine." "0k, I'll start over." "So, Juliette?" "Did you read La Fontaine's last novel?" "He's got so much wit." "He's almost as good as La Fontaine, or as La Fontaine." "Two authors that I love." "No!" "That doesn't work either." "You need different names each time." "It's very complicated." "Well Jacques, it's not so dramatic." "You can tell what she's getting at." "Yeah but still!" "Citing 3 authors' names, it's not that difficult." "There's a whole bunch of guys who have written novels." "The other day at the Fnac, I came across the books." "Piles of them!" "Right, so authors, well, I don't know, let's say," "Agatha Christie." " Pierre Bellemare!" " 0k, Ok." "Juliette." "Have you read La Fontaine's last novel?" "He's got such wit." "He's almost as good as Agatha Christie or Pierre Bellemare." "Excuse me." "It's very laborious but I'm just starting conversation." "It doesn't matter, madam." "But of course, it's perfectly normal." "Really?" "Well good then, good then." "Yes, that's good." "In any case, what an author that La Fontaine." "He's magniﬁcent." "Oh yes, you're right, absolutely right." "Pierre Bellemare too." "He's magniﬁcent." "Not bad." "But still not as good as La Fontaine." "Right?" " Yes." " Huh?" "Yes, you're right." "He's good but not as good as La Fontaine." " We're good here, huh?" " Very good even." " Really, really good." " Really." "Really." " Really." " Good, that's enough." "Are you going to repeat that all day?" "No, no, not at all, not at all." "Speaking of La Fontaine, didn't you know one of his tales by heart, Odile?" "Well yes, The Raven is Late." "You mean, The Raven and the Fox?" "Yes, what did I say?" "The Raven is Late." "That's funny!" "Very funny!" ""Mr Raven had a bit of cheese in his beak." ""The fox enticed by the smell," ""told him something..."" ""...in these words?"" "That's not it, but let's move on." ""Oh you are beautiful." ""Oh you are beautiful." ""Your feathers," ""Your Song?" "What's its song?" "Never mind." "Where was I?" "Ah, "Your song"," "Sugar, I forget." "It doesn't matter, my darling." " Not at all." " Exactly the opposite." "Exactly the opposite of what?" "No, I mean, it doesn't matter." "Good." "Well to resume, the fox compliments the raven a lot," "who ends up dropping his cheese." "And then, the fox eats it." "Yes, that's it!" "Ah, OK." "It's to warn people to pay attention to ﬂattery, because it's not always sincere." "Of course." "Me... I\\" "I'm more into dates." "I know by heart the dates of all the reigning" "French monarchs." "From Louis the 11th to Louis the 16th." "It's not so stupid." "That's very rare." " Should I recite them?" " lf you would like." "Yes, if you'd like to." "No, then." "No, I'd rather not, I'm worried I'll bore you." "Of course not!" "The opposite!" "That's enough." "No, don't keep going on." "It won't bore us at all." "You're saying that to make me happy." "But no, wait." "It's nice of you." "It's very touching." "It wouldn't be delicate of me to impose that on you." "It's really quite long." "Look me in the eye, Jacques." "Jacques, it would be a great pleasure for me, an immense pleasure to hear you recite the Kings of France, from Louis the 11th to Louis the 16th, with the dates of the beginning and the end of their reigns." "When a friend implores you, one must comply." "Louis the 11th: 1461-1483." "Charles the 8th: 1483-1498." "Louis the 12th: 1498-1515." "Francois the 1st: 1515-1547." "Henry the 2nd: 1547-1559." "Francois the 2nd: 1559-1560." "Charles the 9th: 1560-1574." "Henry the 3rd: 1574-1589." "Henry the 4th: 1589-1610." "Louis the 13th: 1610-1643." "Louis the 14th:" "1643-1715." "Louis the 15th: 1715-1774." "Louis the 16th: 1774-1791." "Remarkable!" "Phenomenal!" "Absolutely phenomenal!" "No, no, no." "Really, really, enough." "I don't merit that much applause." "I learnt that at primary school when I was in love with my teacher." "Are you angry with me, Odile?" "It helps." " Of course." " Me too," "I really loved one of my teachers." "It was at primary as well, Mrs Lebienvenu." "At the time I had difficulties with spelling, and she was very patient with me." "Some students make their teachers want to go the extra mile." "At primary school," "I won an award for comradeship." "I was very nice." "You still are!" "You still are!" "I also liked my Latin teacher in middle school," "Mrs Bulot." "Lei." " Lat." " Huh?" "No, Mrs Bulat." " She thought I was gifted." " She wasn't wrong." "Isn't that right?" "No, it's true." "I always found Latin very easy." "Rosa, rosa, rosa." "That's not surprising, you are an intelligent person." "La Fontaine, Pierre Bellemare, Agatha Christie, Emile Zola," "Victor Hugo." "La Fontaine, Pierre Beiiemare, Agatha Christie." "Juliette, so?" "So, Juliette." "Did you ﬁnally read La Fontaine's last novel?" "He's got such wit." "He's almost as good as " "OI' 8S " "Did you ﬁnally read La Fontaine's last novel?" "He's almost as good as..." "Boris Vian, or as..." "Emilie Zola." "CONVERSATION CLASSES" "He's so ﬁne, so intelligent." "He's almost as good as..." "OI' 8S..." "Shit!" "Victor Hugo." "Hugo." "Hugo, Hugo, our neighbour's son!" "He's so ﬁne, so intelligent." "Almost as good as... or as, Victor Hugo!" "We're going to surprise them like rats." "Oh, well, he's buttoning up." "I really must tell you how I avoided military service." "I'm certain it'll make you laugh." "Oh yes, for sure." "I really fooled those idiot military men." "I love this story of his, it's very funny." "I'm laughing already." "It was thanks to my dad really." "He was a dentist." "He was treating the psychiatrist in charge of recruitment." "He offered him a good refund on the bridge he was working on for him." "And there you have it!" "It was sorted." "Well played." "Superb." "I've got to tell you about my job." "I was worried that after a week that was surely exhausting, you would begrudge telling us about work." "It's very nice of you to make that effort for us." " Only for us." " We will remember this." "This day will be a landmark day." "The other day, I..." "I put my boss in his place." " Jacques is not a push over." " He's right." "It's an asset to have a big personality these days." "On that score, I can't complain." "Nor about much else either." "I told him what I thought of him." "He turned white." "But at the end he said," ""You're right, Jacques." ""l'll try to improve on the points you have just highlighted." ""All Of them!"" "If you knew how much I want to be like you." " That's my dream." " Mine too." "I adore you, Jacques." "I adore you too, Odile." "I adore you." " Really?" " Huh?" "No, but you say." ""Odile, I adore you, I adore you."" "So I'm asking if you really think that." " Of course I really think so." " She always says what she thinks." ""Odile, I adore you, I adore you!"" "isn't there even a slight hint of exaggeration?" "I don't think so." "You're not sure." " But it's..." " OK!" "Let it go." "I think you'll dig a bigger hole." "That Guy admires and envies me, that I can believe." "So I've... let's say certain qualities that make those feelings possible." "But for you to adore Odile, and you repeat that at every turn, it's hard to believe you." "Odile isn't as fabulous as all that." "She's annoying, selﬁsh and tight-ﬂsted." "Jacques knows me so well." "She's envious and interested in nothing." "Sorry, I maybe exaggerated a bit by saying I adore you." "I just wanted to say, Odile, I like you a lot, a lot." "I didn't do it on purpose." "When I said that to my dad, he replied," ""Next time, do it on purpose to not do it."" ""Do it on purpose to not do it."" "I will remember, that's a good lesson." "We still have a lot to learn." "Right." "I'll let it slip for this once." "But be careful!" "I will not always be so lax." "That's normal." "Next time," "I will punish you." "Understand?" "I understand." "Well noted." "You must think I'm quite hard, right?" "But well, put yourself in my shoes." " Aren't we friends?" " Yes." "The best of friends, we don't have any others." "We wouldn't want any others." "And what is a friend allowed to demand?" "Well..." " Friendship." " Yes, but what does that mean?" "Affection?" "Love even." " Yeah ﬁne but what else?" " Yes, what else?" "I don't really know, advice or moral support?" " A cup of sugar when in need?" " Sincerity." "At last!" "You got there, sincerity, of course!" "That's the least one can ask from so called friends." "No ﬂattery, or false pretenses, or hypocritical compliments." "It's so important to be sincere." "I'm always sincere with you, I love you." "But do they love you as much as you love them?" "Yes." "Can we really forget that they're friends we've bought?" "It is possible." "But this contractual friendship, does it not make them commodities?" "No, not at all." "But we love you a lot, a lot!" "That's enough!" "Please!" "Don't shout so loud!" " Are you sincere?" " Yes." "So prove it." "But it's very difficult to prove one's sincerity." " Let's help." " Yes." "Help them, they're friends." "Right." "Sacriﬁce something important in the name of friendship." "Then we'll believe you." "Something important, but what?" "I have nothing." "Really?" " You don't have anything?" " No, nothing." " What about your wife?" " My wife?" "His wife?" "Doesn't she belong to him?" "She's my wife, yes, but she doesn't belong to me." " Really?" " Yes." "She's a human." "They belong to..." " What?" " A human belongs to no..." "Asshole!" "Bastard!" "Jacques, can't you see..." "Don't you understand the disgusting insinuation of this pig!" "By saying human beings are free, he's implying that by buying friends we are immoral." "He's saying we support slavery." "Isn't that what you're saying?" "Pig!" "Pig!" "I'm not saying that!" "You're crazy!" "Crazy?" "He's insulting me that pig!" "Don't insult my husband, I won't allow it." " Sorry, he's sorry." " No, I'm not." "Asshole!" "Bitch!" "I'm taking you back." "Ah!" "Did you hear me?" "I'm taking you back!" "We're taking you back." "You'll rot for years on dusty shelves." "They will put you in the stock room!" "They will put you in the crusher!" "Ah, ha!" "Put in the crusher!" "No, not the crusher!" "Have pity!" "I don't care about pity." "Die in the crusher!" "Go in the crusher!" "Oh!" "What a good day!" "Ah, only with such good friends can you shout and argue as freely." "I got rid of all my resentment." "And I didn't even hit my wife." "What happiness!" "What happiness!" "Come, come into my arms." "You are passionate." "Yes." "A little ﬁght from time to time, it makes you feel better." "Go, get into the cupboard." "My boss was on my back all week." "What an idiot!" "If only I could tell him to sod off." "Go to hell!" "Holy shit!" "I could imagine his face." "What a dick!" "Look at that." "Oh, a seagull." "No, my darling, that's a plane." "Look at all those idiots." "It was the best buy we've made in years." "It's the best since we found the sofa bed in the sales." "That was before the holidays last February." "Remember?" "Of course." "You don't forget these things." "We even have photos." "We can buy more." " Sofa beds?" " No." "Friends." "More you mean?" "Of course more." "4 friends are better than 2." "That's true, that's better." "Shall we look, there's an online catalogue?" "A catalogue?" "They have a new collection." "They've got special offers on delivery." "You receive your friends via the post a week after you order." "You don't choose your friends from a catalogue." "It's like dogs, you've got to see the beast, smell them." "I don't know, it's all about the feeling." "Otherwise, it's inhumane." "That's true." "Nothing is stopping us from having a look." "It could give us ideas." "Look." "Oh, no." " Why not?" " Look at him." " He's too fat." " He looks nice." "You don't like anyone." "I don't like anyone." "That's not my fault." "It's because of my mother." "Come on, give me some." "I was really scared." " See how you spoke to him?" " I spoke to him sincerely." "He wanted that." "Do you think we could really end up in the crusher?" "Do you want a scary truth or a reassuring spiel?" " What's reassuring?" " Nothing." "Go for scary truth then." "They'll sell us off second hand, maybe even at a reduced price again." "After that..." " It's the crusher." " Storage is very expensive." "Our survival depends on staying friends with those 2 morons." " They'll end up weary of us." " Shush!" " Do you think?" " Of course." "We can be as brown nosed as possible, they'll get bored." " Good evening." " Evening." " Ah, it's you." " Yes, sorry." "Goodnight." "Thanks." "We must act, we've got to revolt." "We can break our chains and leave." " That's impossible." " Why?" "Our contract." "Think, the police will look for us." "If they catch us, we'll be treated like non-recyclable waste." "The black bin." "We could hide out at your mum's." " I'm an orphan." " Shit that's true!" " What about a foreign country?" " Why not." " Belgium." " Belgium!" "Why not?" "Or perhaps Guatemala?" " New Zealand?" " I don't know it." "How will we live?" "How will we cross the borders?" " Oh, I'm exhausted." " Me too." "It's your turn to lie down." "I'll keep standing." "It's a shame we can't lie down at the same time." " You're not going to read?" " Shush!" "I need to." "And We Will Kill All The Awful People" "Come on, come on friends!" "Get out and up!" "Go!" "We didn't buy you to sit around." "We're having fun!" "Yeah!" "We're dancing!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Wake up!" "Ow!" "Move." "Guy!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Hey!" "Shit!" "You can't even be arsed to dance." "I'm bored." "Me too, so much." "What would you like then?" "A conversation?" "Jokes?" "Another ﬁght?" "Not always the same old stuff." "You've got to be innovative, mate." "Otherwise you'll start to bore us." "Perhaps a magic trick then?" "Do you like that?" " Personally, yes." " Of course we like magic." "But that's not the problem." "We didn't buy magicians, we bought friends." "That thing is annoying." "Maybe you'd like a little ﬁre?" "It's nice to talk around a ﬁre at this time of year." "Are you taking the piss?" "Can't you see the fire hasn't been used in donkeys' years?" "It's full of crap." "And it's dangerous, it hasn't even been swept." "Guy can sweep it." "He's good with his hands." "He can do anything, plumbing, electricity, install a septic tank or a satellite." "What else?" "A pool or a nuclear fallout shelter for the end of the world." "Really?" "Right." "Good, good, good, good!" "Well go for it, sweep it." "We'll start with that, then we'll see what else." "What about a hammam?" "I love hammams." "What about a hammam?" "Would you be able to make a hammam, Guy?" "Yes, of course." "A hammam, no problem." "In fact they're my speciality." "Well then, that's good to know." "So aren't you going to do it?" "Do what?" "Sweep the chimney." "You were the one who proposed it." "Absolutely, I'm going to do it." "I'll do it now." "Right, I'll get to work." "Don't get it dirty." "The cleaner doesn't come on weekends." "Don't worry, Odile." "Guy is very clean." "His breeder was very proud." " He was bred?" " Yes, of course, at one of the best friend breeding schools." "They can roam and they make good friends." "Here." "Clumsy." "Whilst your husband sweeps the chimney, maybe you could chat with us?" "With great pleasure." "You are superb, Odile." "And you Jacques, you have a resplendent face." "I hear your work is going well." "Your mother looks good for her age." "92 years old!" "That's extraordinary!" "You were right," "she only talks about herself." "It's exhausting." "Juliette, would it kill you to talk about anything else but yourself?" "Me, me and me again." "It's really tiring, I swear!" "It's not difficult to think of others, especially when you're lucky to be with someone like me." "Oh, shit!" "I don't know." "Ask me if I've read -'s latest novel, or -'s latest novel, or even -'s latest novel." "Fill the blanks!" " You must ﬁll the blanks." " That's true, I keep forgetting." "It's so very annoying!" "Well, I don't know!" "Ask me if I read La Fontaine's last novel, or Agatha Christine's last novel," "OI"..." " Pierre Bellemare!" " Stop it!" "I want to ﬁnd one." "I learnt a whole list." "Oh, sugar." "What was his name already?" "Like our neighbour's son?" "Hugo!" "Bravo!" " Bravo, darling." " Thanks." "Where was I?" "You were saying I only talk about myself." "It's one of my most disgusting traits." "I'm very self-centred." "You're not the ﬁrst to say so." "It gives me a chance to improve on my enormous defects." "I do realise how my absurd and thoughtless behaviour is jeopardising our friendship." "Our friendship means the world to me." "Plus, it's the 2nd time I've behaved badly." "The other day I said I adore you, when really I meant I like you a lot." "Despite this disgusting recidivism that makes my case worse," "I still want to present my humblest apologies." "With my heart full of glee," "I will accept any just and severe punishment you wish to inﬂict on me." "I accept your apologies." "And as for your... just and severe punishment," "give me your earrings and your clothes." "Oh, thanks." "From the bottom of my heart, thank you." "It suits you." "What?" "Not wearing a dress suits you." " The ﬁreplace has been swept." " Not a moment too soon." "It's freezing in here." "A good ﬁre usually puts me in a great mood." "Let's hope that'll be the case today." "You told us earlier that Guy was from an organic breeding school." "What about you, Juliette, are you a schoolmate of his?" "I became a professional friend much later on." "I was, I was..." " I don't know if I should tell you." " I really don't care." "I was asking to sound polite." "Actually I really don't want to know anything about you." "In fact, I think I know too much about you." "On the contrary," "I never get bored of hearing my same old stories." "They're lies for the most part." "For example, I tell everyone that I was a good pupil, but obviously that's untrue." "I was a mediocre pupil." "I even redid a few years." "Isn't that ridiculous?" "Yes, frankly." "No one is stupid enough to believe you were a good pupil." "Even a blind person can see that you are a dunce." "You're the worst, and you continue to be rubbish, even after you try to make an effort." "That's not nice to hear, but it's true." "You're a complete idiot, Odile." "Everyone knows that." "Everyone knows that." " The books are ﬁnally igniting." " Not a moment too soon." "It's so cold." "It's rare for it to be so cold in July." "Perhaps because it's February." "Yes perhaps." "Now there's a warm atmosphere, we could sing perhaps?" "Odile and Jacques" "Jacques and Odile" "Odile and Jacques" "Jacques and Odile" "Odile and Jacques Jacques, Odile" " Three, four..." " Five, six." "Odile, Jacques, Odile, Odile, Jacques, Odile." "That's enough!" "I hate that!" "I prefer the sound of cars and their horns." "What if we smoked a nice cigar?" "Around a ﬁre, that's always nice." " Smoke makes me cough." " Me too." "How about if Juliette taught you to knit?" "Your hands are busy and it frees up your mind to think." "Think?" "It's like the piano," "I hate that idea." "In fact, I don't think." "Odile doesn't either." "Oh no, never." "I'm very proud of that." "Thinking is no good." "In my case, that of a fool, I would only think of nonsense." "I would rather not, I think it's healthier." "As for me, it never occurred to me to think." "Think." "that's a good joke." "I don't have lots to do, but I've got better things to do." "No, if you're going to think, I'd rather have a nap." "If I'm going to have a nap, why have friends?" "Good friends, real friends, must be able to keep you company until 10.30pm Sunday night." "Otherwise, it's impossible to say I've had a good evening." "We would even have to say, the weekend was cut short." "We would never see those people again." "They disappointed us." "They're boring, self-centred people." "Real idiots." "Especially him." "He's a silly man." "He's not even capable of having a good job and he's vulgar." "Such vulgarity!" "And her?" "Her?" "What an idiot!" "She thinks she's great." "I want to hit her." "Hit her, yeah." "I also want to pinch and scratch her." " Bite her." " Hit her head against a wall." "Pull her hair and eyes out." " Stick a..." " What if we played Scrabble?" "I don't like..." " 1000 Miles?" " Too long." " Uno?" " Too short." " Chess?" " Too complicated." "Checkers, Pope Joan, poker..." "Ludo!" " I don't like those games." " Me neither." "I could make a fondue." "No!" "Cooked cheese leaves such a bad smell around the place." "You are nicely sheltered in that cupboard." "There's no risk for you." "Golf?" "Oh yes." "Golf." "I love golf." "Jacques loves golf." "Guy too." "Rather, he likes it a lot." "Over to you, Guy." "Owe!" "Wait, I'm feeling it, I'll start." "I love golf." "Bravo, Jacques, bravo!" "It's almost worth a bravo." "Your go." "I love golf." "Oh shit." "Bravo, Jacques, bravo!" "Your turn." "You missed." "You're really no good." "It's not that complicated." "Are you watching?" "One." "two, all right?" "Bravo, Jacques, bravo!" "Your turn, Guy." "I'm ﬁne." "Guy." "Don't be a bad looser." " Are you annoyed?" " No." "Come on." " Come on, one last time." " No." "The green's all yours." " Bravo." " Yes!" "Shall we do something else?" "Look what the bitch did to me." "Come on, we've got to go." "Wife swap?" "Sorry?" "I was saying, wife swap?" " A wife swap?" " Yes." "Wife swapping is something friends do together." "Right so it has come to that." "You want to make us your sex slaves now?" "Of course not." "Just a bit of swinging at the most, that's all, nothing too bad." "It's just a little give and take." "You lend me Juliette and I'll lend you Odile." "She's OK with it, aren't you?" "With what?" "Are you listening?" " About being swapped." " Oh, sorry." "Exactly being swapped, no problem." " Swapped with what?" " Well, with Juliette." "Guy lends me Juliette and in exchange I lend you to Guy." "Oh, right!" "That will be funny." "Guy lends you Juliette and you lend me to Guy." "And what will I do with Guy?" "Well, make love of course." "It's very common." "Most friends swing these days." " Really?" " Yes." "Oh, I didn't know." "I remind you, my poor darling, you don't know a lot of things." "That's true." "I always forget how stupid I am." "So, I... make love to Guy and you make love with Juliette." "That's it." "If I may, this doesn't come from me, but... our contract prohibits that." " Categorically." " Oh yeah?" ""Unless there is a post agreement between the two parties."" "Purchase Agreement" "Yes but regardless of our respect for you," "I fear that..." " You don't fancy Odile?" " Oh no." "If you prefer, I can fuck your wife then give you one." "Are you crazy?" "Are you homophobic?" "Not at all, but I really don't want... you to give me one." "Oh, you're wrong!" " It could be so good." " Surely, but I don't want that." "I also don't want you to fuck my wife." "Would you prefer girl on girl?" "No, I don't prefer those things!" "I love my wife and I do not want to swap her, or anything else like that." "Well, GUY." "you do disappoint me." "I thought you'd be into that." " What are you saying?" " Nothing." "Don't insist." "We'd prefer the street to prostitution." "That's your choice." "It's brave, but..." "Wait, wait." "We could sort something out." "X-rated puppets." "Sit down." "This is cute." "It's our cellar, Odile." "My wardrobe." "$0?" "Well, it wasn't very exciting." "Abstract." "Yes." "That's it." "It was missing a bit of ﬂesh." " We tried our hardest." " We gave it body and soul." "Yes, you did it with a lot of enthusiasm." "But the result was terribly unsatisfactory." "And the puppets are ugly." "What if we talked about politics?" "Politics..." "It could be fun." "It could be dangerous." " What if we couldn't agree?" " Then we could debate." "The most convincing would win the ﬁght." " Aren't you worried that..." " Jacques can argue." "He can argue but he never shouts." "I am patient, tolerant, a laugher, serious, attentive, respectful, curious, a non-smoker." "I know how to recognise a just argument." " I'm happy to be wrong." " Everyone loves Jacques:" "his father, his mother, his grandparents and his sister." "I'm an only child." "That's why then." "He didn't have to share his childhood with a bunch of stupid brothers and sisters." "I've got to tell you how I avoided military service." " I love that story." " Weren't we going to talk politics?" "Politics beware, that's dangerous." "It's a topic that angers." "I'm not accustomed to talking to reds." "Oh, you're a Commie, aren't you?" "A Commie?" "But..." "I don't like Commies, or their shitty socialist mates!" "Let me tell you, they're all a bunch of fairies shagging each other." "Shagging each other?" "Oh, that's disgusting." "Scum!" "I would kill all those Commies!" "Commies!" "But..." "I don't think I am a Commie." "Actually, there are few left." "Good news." "Excellent news." " I don't like fatties either." " Really?" "I just don't, I don't know why." "Just like coloured people," "I don't like them." "What about the greens?" "Do they really exist?" "I didn't know that." "If they do exist, I don't like them." "I don't like the countryside either." "I like the seaside." "I'm scared to be abroad because people don't speak the same language as me." " It must be 10.30pm." " On the dot." "Phew!" "It's over." "It's over." "Another day is over." " Long live death." " Oh, yes." "Long live death." "When we'll get some peace." "I've got such sore feet." "Thanks." "But we haven't had dinner." "Sleeping is eating." "I can't stand them anymore." "I've had enough." "Me too, I've had enough." " It's agonising." " Very." "There's one solution we've never discussed." "Really?" "In that case..." "We'd be better off." "Their house is ugly but I like their cars especially the CX." "The garden isn't that bad either." "Right, who kills who?" "I'll kill Jacques." "You take care of Odile." "I would have liked to kill Jacques." "No problem, he's yours if you like." "You can kill both." "You kill, I'll watch." "Gun..." "Baseball bat..." "Odile." "Odile wake up!" "They'll see." "We'll mess them up!" "Mess them up!" "The bat, Odile." "So, assholes, preparing a night-time getaway?" "Hold on, Jacques." " My friend..." " My friend?" "He's planning to kill me and he calls me a friend." "No, never!" "Stop with the fake pretenses, bitch!" "There's a camera in the cupboard." "We know everything." "Shit." "What now?" "In these conditions, it'll be difﬁcult to keep you." "I'm sick of your ugly faces." "I want to shoot you." "It's not a healthy basis for a friendship." "We could demand plastic surgery in that case." "We need to read the contract." "For our full money back, we'll have say what makes you unﬁt for consumption." " Dear God!" " Maybe they can repair you." "In that case, they'll send you back to the workshop." "I don't want to go there." "I've heard bad things about it." "You should have thought about that before dreaming about suffocating us with our very own pillows!" "It was out of despair." "Out of despair?" "You have no shame!" "You are housed, fed and given a job." "You could even have had children." "It wasn't prohibited." "Unless they cried at night." "It's never enough, you wanted more!" "Shameful!" "Immoral." "Isn't our world beautiful?" "It's full of rotten people ready to do anything for their own comfort." "That's enough discussion." "Get in!" "Go to bed." "I'll watch them." "I hope the queue's short in customer services." "We could exchange them for store credit?" "I don't want more friends." " Yes, it's a lot of worry." " For very little beneﬁt." "A bit of ﬂattery and a vague row..." "Group boredom rather than couple boredom." "If you want my opinion, it's called throwing your money away." "Oh darling, we're going to enjoy ourselves." "Call the manager!" "Defect!" "They've broken their contract." "Odile and Jacques," "Jacques and Odile..." "I'm, I'm not very..." "Let's go." "ls your youngest asking for a grandmother?" "Make him happy with our special offer:" "buy a grandmother and get a grandfather free." " Come on!" " Please." "I'm begging you." "Give us a last chance, we're humans." "If you say so." "You're beasts, real beasts." " Back to the shop." " Odile, please." " Jacques..." " Sit down." " Jacques!" " Sit." "But Jacques, Jacques!" "Be good!" "Right to the end." "MORAL" "Oh, well..." "We're doing well." "We exchanged Juliette and Guy for 24 DVD's." " DVD's..." " 3D, HD." "Yeah, HD." " We took 6 months to watch them." " Yes." "They were all great." "Don't ask me what they were all about." "I couldn't tell you." "Me neither." "Since then, we've started watching the TV again." "Just like before." "But we don't regret having had friends." "Oh no, the opposite in fact." "Thanks to Juliette and Guy, we're sure about our complete inaptitude for human relations." "And it's with... a peaceful conscience that we bore ourselves to tears." "We don't worry that something better is out there." "We don't dream anymore." "Yeah." "That's what's good." "We don't dream anymore." "Well thanks." "Thank you." " Goodbye." " Goodbye." "There you go." "Go on then." "Subtitles by Eclair Group"