"Mike, would you get your sister, please?" "Yo, Fido, dinner!" "I'll be right down, Fire Hydrant!" "Tell Mom I'm just gonna finish this paragraph!" " Mom, Fido's gonna finish her paragraph." " Thank you, I heard." "And frankly, Fire Hydrant..." "I don't think it's funny or appropriate for you to call your sister Fido." "You're right." "It's a boy's name." "Is she still working on that article?" "Well, she's taking this tryout for the school paper very seriously." "Come on, Dad, this is the Walt Whitman Chronicle here... one of the world's great papers." "It's right up there with Charmin and Nice'n Soft." "Mike, this is very important to Carol." "Try to keep your snide comments to a minimum." "So, like, what?" "Three or four?" "You're working awfully hard, sweetheart." "Yeah, well, I just want to get it right." "You know, so it's, like, the best article they've ever gotten." "Pretty tough to beat last week's scoop:" ""Granola bars replace gummy bears in snack machine."" "That's one." "One what?" "Snide comments." "Mom says Mike can make three more at you during dinner." "I think probably that was the last one." "Right, Mike?" "Why, yes, Father, I believe it was." "Anyway, tomorrow's the moment of truth." "Tomorrow Mr. Simmons reads all the articles and decides who gets the job." "Oh, no, not Simmons." "Why?" "Who's Simmons?" "That's the teacher who locked a kid in a closet for not closing a quote." "Well, honey, I don't think you have anything to worry about." "Just do the best you can, and I'm sure he'll be impressed." "This is so exciting!" "The roar of the mighty presses." "Ink coursing through my veins." "Maybe I've got what it takes, maybe I don't... but I'll never find out if I don't leap into the darkness and give it my all!" "If she sings I Gotta Be Me, I swear I'll throw up." "That's two." "Mom... do you think you could read my article tonight and tell me what you think?" "Why, I'd be happy to, honey." "You'll be honest?" "Savagely honest." "I know." "I'm probably just worrying for nothing, but... have you ever wanted something so much, you could feel it with your entire body?" "Well, now that you mention it..." "Yeah, Jerry." "Yeah, put me in for $20." "Yeah, of course I have it." "Look, only a scuzzball wouldn't have $20." "Yeah, okay." "Bye." "Hey, Ben, give me $20." "No way." "Ben, we didn't want you to know this... but, well, Mom needs an operation." "That's low, Mike, even for you." "Okay, okay, okay." "Look, Jerry Dellish is over at Off-Track Betting... and he's got a hot tip on Pesky Persky in the fourth." "Is that a horse?" "No, it's an imported beer." "Of course it's a horse." "Ben, look, I'm giving you the opportunity to make $100." "That sounds pretty good." "Of course it sounds pretty good... and you're acting like I'm trying to put one over on you or something." "I'm sorry." "Look, forget it." "But you'll do it?" "Sure, and we'll split the profits." "All right, Ben." " 70-30, mine." " What?" "Take it or leave it." "Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay." "It's a pleasure doing business with you, Mike." "That kid's gonna be good." "Carol's paper can't be that bad." "She wrote about guys who dig for clams." "Well, what's wrong with that?" "She called it, "I Clam, Therefore I Am."" "Did she now?" "Listen to this:" ""Night obduces the isthmus 'neath its obsidian mantle." ""The mollusks imbibe one last sip twixt their valves..." ""and expel the day's muculence."" "She could be pushing a little." "Jason, read this." ""With dexterous manipulation of his digits, the master clammer..." ""extricates the muculent mollusk..." ""from its lapideous ménage."" "Well, look at it this way." "We have a daughter who knows what muculence is." "How many people know what muculence is?" "Nobody knows what muculence is, and that's the problem." "Newspaper writing needs to be clear, accessible." "Jason, what am I gonna tell her?" "She asked for my honest opinion." "No kid wants your honest opinion." "They want unconditional approval." "And what if you don't approve?" "Then you have a significant dilemma, much like the one you're in now." "Thank you, Dr. Seaver." "Come on, Jason." "Help me out here." "Well, look, we want this to be a learning experience for her." " Go on." " And all learning is based..." " on positive reinforcement." " More." "See, if you want a pigeon to perform, you reward it with a pellet." "What are you saying?" "I'm saying we should have had pigeons." "They're easier to raise." "Jason, come on." "You just start off by pointing out the strengths of the article... and then you show her how the article could be improved." "You're right." " Accentuate the positive." " Yes." "Be gentle and nurturing and supportive." "Then, if that doesn't work... you simply tie her to the bed and set her Reeboks on fire." "Carol?" "Come in." "Well, it's late." "You must be tired." "We can talk about this in the morning." "No, no, I've been waiting for you." "I've read the article again, and I think I can be more objective now." "Well, that's a good thing to do." "Put it away for a while, get some distance." " Often what you thought was perfect..." " I know, I know." "I already changed it." "You did?" "Yeah." "The two "muculences" in the same sentence." "Terrible." "I made the second one "pituitousness."" "Oh!" "Are you proud of me, Mom?" "The truth." "Of course." "Honey, I am always proud of you." "You think I'll make the paper?" "Well, it's obvious you have potential." "Very few people could write like... this." "So you don't think I should change anything." "Mom, this is great." "Well... what I'm saying is..." "Carol, it's clear that you put a lot of time into this article." "It's well thought out." "It's well typed." "And I just love these margins." "But?" "Well, it's not so much a "but"..." "It sounds just like a "but."" "Well, what I'm trying to say is..." "Cut to the "but," Mom." "But... it's just not newspaper writing, honey." "Look, in any field there are rules." "You just have to learn them." "Newspaper writing has to be more simple, straightforward." "So you think my article's garbage." "Sweetheart... if I let you turn this in to Mr. Simmons... he'd tell you the same things, only meaner." ""Introduction to Journalism."" "I found it very helpful, and I'm sure you will, too." "Yeah." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Really?" "Yeah, really." "Thanks for your advice." "Good." "Good night, pumpkin." ""Introduction to Journalism."" "I know." "Jerry says we bet on Undulate in the eighth." "I say we bet on Arbitrary." " Why?" " Why not?" "Ben, look at these times." "I mean, you'll be growing chest hair before Arbitrary finishes this race." "I just got a hunch about this one." "Ben, you can't bet a race on a hunch." "Okay, what about that Arbitrary comes out of Secretariat by way of Seabiscuit... and Alonzo picked up three purses in his last four turf outings?" "Hey, I know that, but I say we stick with Jerry." "I mean, he's been right so far." "I'm not so sure." "Ben, who's got the connections?" "Who's got the money?" "Who's got the weight advantage?" "Go, Undulate!" "Earth to Maggie." "Everything okay?" "Oh." "Well, I was just wondering why Carol hasn't come down yet." "I hope I wasn't too hard on her last night." "No, I'm sure you were just..." "Unless..." "Did you burn her Reeboks?" "What do you want for Christmas, Mom?" "'Cause my middle name is Money." "Correct me if I'm wrong... but I've been living under the assumption your middle name was Humphrey." "I hate Humphrey, and a kid with $65 can call his own shots." "Really?" "Ben, where did you get $65?" "Well, me and Mike..." "I came into a little money, Mom, and you've always taught me to share... so I'm sharing it with my little bro." "And now, just for the heck of it, Mike, the truth." "Jerry Dellish bet on a horse for us, and we won." "Mike, you took Ben's money and risked it on a horse?" "It was a sure thing, Mom." "Jerry Dellish said so." "Jerry "l-swear-she-Iooked-18" Dellish?" "There will be no more betting." " But, Mom, we won!" " Mom..." " Jerry..." " But wait." "But, Mom... these guys are hot." "They're on a roll." "They won." "Now I'm sure there are some people who actually lose money at the track... but those people don't know Jerry Dellish." "Well, maybe you're right, Jason." "These boys do seem to have "winner" written all over them." "So we can let it ride on Undulate in the eighth?" "Boys, and I say this to you as a friend..." "I think you'd be crazy not to." " Yeah, all right!" " We're in the money." " Thanks a lot." "See you later." " We're in the money." "Don't worry, this will work." "$2 says you're a loser." " You're on." " Okay." "Carol?" "Don't worry, she'll be fine." "After all, she is a Seaver." "She can take criticism." "Okay?" "Good morning, Carol." " You look nice." " Thank you." "That's a real cute sweater." "You like it?" "A lot." "It's a good color for you." "It brings out your eyes." "It's not too bright?" "It's very becoming." "You sure?" "If not, I imagine there's a book I could read... perhaps Introduction to Dressing?" "You call these facts?" "How many kids threw up from the tuna casserole?" "And where is the cafeteria's side of the story?" "Food Services had no comment." ""Food Services had no comment."" "You go back down to the cafeteria." "Somebody in sandwiches or in pudding has an ax to grind." "You find yourself a Deep Throat, and you bring back a story." "Next." "Sit down." "Thank you." "Carol, eh?" "All right, you want the job?" "You got it." "Really?" "You like my writing?" "I worked so hard on my metaphors." "Metaphors stink." " Similes are more..." " Similes stink." "Your writing, it stinks." "What?" "Excuse me, I forgot who I was talking to." "It is replete with stinkiosity." "But at least you can spell." "The others, they can't even spell." "But you spell words that nobody knows." "Muculence!" "What in the hell is muculence?" "Well, it's..." "It's basically... slimy glop." "Then you call it slimy glop!" "People know what slimy glop is." " Yeah, well, I just felt that maybe it was..." " Felt is for pool tables." "You start Monday." "Well, thank you, but I don't think I want the job." "Around the far turn, it's Nice Girl in the lead." " Come on, Undulate!" " Come on, Undulate!" "It's still Nice Girl a full six lengths ahead of Hedge Trimmer... with Undulate a distant third." "Hey, guys, it looks like Undulate's gonna be very late." "Relax." "Nice Girl always starts strong." "She'll fade." "And Nice Girl's starting to fade." "Now, come on, you can do it, Undulate." "Don't worry." "She'll make her move on the outside, right here." "And let's see, moving on the outside, it's Undulate." "Look at her go!" "And they're moving down the final stretch." "They're neck and neck." "It's Nice Girl, Undulate." "Nice Girl, Undulate." "And at the finish, it's..." "Undulate!" "By a nose hair." "And she'll pay off at nine to one, folks." " Nine to one?" " Holy cow!" "That's $450." "All right, that's Jerry calling from OTB." "What do we do, Fast Benny?" "We keep the $450 or let it ride on Nail Biter in the ninth?" "You guys, I think you should quit while you're ahead." "Jason!" "Maggie, it's $450." "You put that in a rollover account, with interest the way..." "Come on." "We could teach them this gambling lesson another time, you know." "Okay." "Boys, I say this is no time to stop." "You know, you got it." "You got that touch." "All right, Jerry, put it all on Nail Biter to win." "Hi, Carol." "How did it go with Simmons?" "Fine, thank you." "I got the job." "Oh, really?" "Well..." "Well, congratulations, honey." "That's wonderful." "Carol got the job on the paper." "Author, author." "I turned it down." "Can I come in?" "Sure." "What are you doing?" "Cleaning this garbage out of my way." "Carol, how come you turned the job down?" "I mean, it really seemed like you had your heart set on it." "Yeah, well, that was before I realized... there's nothing really creative about journalism." "I mean, all you do is regurgitate facts." "If I were going to be a writer, I'd rather do a novel." "At least people don't train their puppies on Moby-Dick." "Carol, I can understand you being angry at me... for my criticism of your article." "Why should I be angry?" "Simmons gave me the job." "I know." "I know, and I guess what I'm trying to say is..." "Well, honey, it's always tricky giving criticism to someone you love... and I guess I just didn't do a very good job." "Obviously, Simmons was very happy with what you did... and I'm glad that I was wrong." "No." "Pardon me?" "I said no, okay?" "Are you happy?" "He said everything you said, only worse." "He said my article was..." ""replete with stinkiosity."" "But you said that you got the job." "Yeah, that was only 'cause all the other articles were repleter with stinkiosity." "Honey, I am so sorry." "He said he didn't even know what muculence was." "Well, that's..." "That's just his stupidity, sweetheart." "Everybody knows what muculence is." "I'll never be able to write like you." "Hold on." "Hold on, honey." "That's just not true." "Now maybe you were reaching a little... but you have great natural ability." "You're just saying that." "Didn't I establish myself last night... as someone who isn't afraid to tell the truth?" "Yeah." "Even if it does mean crushing a little kid's ego." "Do you really think I might have natural ability?" "I dug this out of the attic this afternoon." "And I thought that you might like to take a look at it." "The letter I wrote from camp five years ago?" "Read it." ""Dear Mom and Dad, camp is fun." ""Except for the rash I got when I tried to find out what poison sumac looks like." ""Except for the kids teasing anyone who's small or fat or left-handed." ""Except for missing you and baby Ben." ""And even Mike a little, but don't tell him." ""Bring my chemistry set and potato chips on visiting day." ""Love, Carol."" "That's not so good." "Didn't we bring your chemistry set and your potato chips?" "Yeah." "Then you got your point across." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, I see what you're saying." "Good." "But I still think it could have been better." "Now, what makes you say that?" "Well, as I remember, you brought Mike, too." "And this is unbelievable." "Coming around the final turn, it's Nail Biter by 18 lengths." "Running a distant second is Slim 's Frog... with Arnold's Dream Date in third position." " Nail Biter!" " Yeah, Nail Biter!" " And it's Nail Biter by 20 lengths." " Go, Nail Biter!" "And Nail Biter's at the final pole, and he must be a full 25 lengths ahead." "That horse could walk in from here." "Go, Nail Biter!" "I'll never have to work again!" "Ladies and gentlemen, wait a minute." "There's been an accident." "Nail Biter has tripped and gone down." "The horse is on the ground." "In all my years at the track, I've never seen anything like this." " Get up, get up!" " Get up!" "A foot from the finish line, maybe two feet... and the jockey is trying to drag the horse across the finish." " Well, pick him up and carry him." " This is amazing." "A 94-pound man trying to drag a racehorse by one leg!" "He's too small!" " Pull him!" "Pull him!" " Come on, you little munchkin, grab him!" "Look out!" "Coming up on the outside is Slim 's Frog." "And the winner is Slim 's Frog!" "It was just..." "I hope you boys have learned your lesson." "Lookit here." ""X-rays reveal that Nail Biter suffered a fractured fibula." ""Trainer Jim Shepherd immediately announced..." ""that his prize thoroughbred would be put out to stud."" "What's stud?" "Mom." "Well, Ben, sometimes when a boy horse gets hurt... they use him to get lots and lots of girl horses pregnant." "That's very good." "My leg!" "English"