"I'm not sick but I'm not well ...And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in he-ell..." "So I think I'm definitely going to propose to Sophie." "Propose?" "!" "To Sophie?" "!" "Oh, my God, this is massive!" "'How does it affect me?" "'Shit, I can't manage on my own." "He knows what lottery numbers we do." "'I'll have to do lucky dips." "I'm never going to win.'" "I mean, but why?" "I didn't think things were going all that well?" "Exactly." "She's in Bristol, we hardly ever see each other, and when we do, we argue." "She's slipping through my fingers." "So therefore you must get married?" "I need to make a statement." "You aiming for the bull's-eye?" "Course I am." "It's the best thing on the board." " No, it isn't!" " Look at it." "It's tiny, it's red, it's right in the bloody middle." "Course it's the best thing on the board." "I'm going to take her to a four-star hotel in Somerset, the Quantocks, and ask her to marry me." " Now's the time, I must strike soon." " Why?" "Not because the hotel mega-deal vouchers from the Sunday Times expire at the end of the month." "Another mega-deal will come along in some national newspaper eventually." "Mr Patel saves me the vouchers." "I've got enough for two rooms, so if it all goes pear-shaped..." " You've got enough for two rooms?" " No!" "Come on, Mark, I could take Big Suze, break the logjam." " Weekend in the Boondocks." " Quantocks." "No, Jez, no." "I'm going to propose." "Really, this has to be a solo mission." "Mark, think about it." "What if she says no?" "You'll be trapped in an emotional shit storm, you'll need back-up." "Look, I suppose if you want, you can ask her." "Cool." "If she can't make it, I'll take Super Hans." "No, Jeremy, no way!" "I'm kidding." "Bloody hell, Mark." "Give me some credit!" "Weekend in the Quantocks?" "Yeah." "We'll have to steer clear of Mark." "The abdominiser?" "Don't worry about him." "Different time scheme." "We'll be hitting the sack while he's getting his morning horn off the FT." "It's a good chance to get away and do the demo." "Exactly." "There you go, chief." "Have a suck on that sauce bottle." "Living it large on the minibar." "While Big Suze is playing the bloody Peter's Friends drinking game with Hugo and Otto and Rozzle and Nozzle." "Too right." "You not having one?" "Nah, not for me." "I'm cleaning up." "Kicking everything, from the PCP to the lattes." "Going straight edge." "Doctor's orders." "You're kicking... everything?" "But you don't mind me?" "No, mate, no, you have your fun." "Cold beer and a nice fucking smoke, don't let me stop ya." "Right." "OK." "'I give him about five minutes.'" "You'll stay strong for me, though, yeah?" "Promise me, whatever happens, no drugs, yeah?" "No, sure, mate." "I'm on it." "Right, let's crack on." "Don't say crack, Jez, please, not now." "Cos you saying crack makes me think about crack, and I love crack." "So can you not say crack?" "Can't believe the restaurant had no record of my booking." "Let's just choose somewhere now, I'm tired." "Maybe we should have gone to the place with the hanging plants." "I thought you didn't want to." "I thought you didn't like it because when we looked at the menu, you wrinkled your nose." "I don't think so." "'She definitely did." "Must maintain good relations." "Can't propose in bad odour." "'Jesus!" "33% of our mini-break weekend has already gone!" "'Everything's got to be perfect for the big moment." "Let's just go anywhere." "Well, what about here?" " Do you think?" "It looks a bit..." " Yeah, sure." "'No, no!" "I don't know what your inexpressible criteria are." "'Why don't you tell me the secret fucking formula?" "'" "Let's go back to the place with the weird menus." "Back?" "No, we can't go back, we've got to push on, push on to Moscow." "There might be something in one of the guides." "Mark, put away the guides," "I want to have a real experience, go to the places no-one goes." "There's probably a reason why no-one goes to the places no-one goes - they're overpriced and have poor service." "Oh, Mark, will you try and leave the guides out of it, and try and experience this bloody town!" "'She's posted a book." "I suppose I'm supposed to find 'that incredibly charming and French." "'Well, it's not, it's a waste of £8.99." "'But I've got to grin and take it, cos it's the proposal weekend.'" "'Great Weekend with a junkie going cold turkey." "I should just leave him." "'What's the worst that could happen?" "'He could die." "That would be quite bad.'" " Give us a sip." " Hans." "Just a sip!" "And a toke." "And a line, yeah?" "No, come on." "I'm not gonna give you any intoxicants." "You made me promise." "Yeah, I know, but that was before." "I wasn't thinking straight." "My head was filled with bloody mumbo-jumbo, weren't it?" "It's all become very clear to me, Jez, I want some drugs." "No, mate, no." "You stingy bastard." "You're mean." "And you're fat." "And ugly and stupid." "There's no need to be nasty." "I'll stop being nasty if you let me have a bit of fun, yoghurt cock." "Hey, Big Suze, how you doing?" "Never fucking mind about her, just give me a bang on that pipe!" "Yeah, no, nothing much, just, hanging out." "Chilling." "Yeah, that would be nice." "Cool, coolio." "That was Big Suze." "Guess what - she's coming over after all." "Yeah, that's terrific, mate." "Brilliant news." "Super Hans, are you try to skin up with your feet again?" "Because it doesn't work, does it?" "It just makes a mess." "So, this is nice." "Lovely." "'This isn't lovely, it's horrible." "'All the people's food looks awful." "'Our engagement dinner in the Quantocks is going to be terrible." "'I want to cry." "'Oh, my God, we're not saying anything!" "'We've got nothing to say, we've skipped 20 years." "'We're one of those couples you see." "'Got to say something." "Anything!" "'" "So, w-w-w-what do you think of the... chairs?" "Quite..." "OK, aren't they?" "Yeah, they're pretty OK chairs." "Excuse me, do you have a light?" "Oh, sorry, we don't smoke." "He thinks I hide his lighter." "Do I look like the sort of woman who'd hide her husband's lighter?" "No, not at all." "She also doesn't look like the sort of person who'd strangle a cat, but I haven't seen Castro in four days." "'Spider senses tingling, there's something wrong with them." "'What is it, booze, drugs, sex?" "Mental health issues?" "'" "Sophie, are you all right with this?" "Because if you're not, we can always..." "I'm fine." "It's nice to talk to some real people." "'She goes looking for fun after just a minute of uncomfortable silence." "'Well, get used to it because when we're married, 'there'll be a lot more where that came from!" "'" "It was nice at first..." "'She's come down to see me!" "'This is amazing!" "Walking in the grounds of a country hotel." "'lf there wasn't a junkie in my room, shitting and retching and hurling, 'it'd be like Pride And Prejudice.'" "I just took a look around and I thought, really, is this me?" "'Ooh, wasn't listening." "Just keep saying general words, should be OK.'" "Shit, yeah, God." "I sometimes think stuff like that." "You know, kind of deep stuff, shit, in your head." "Exactly!" "Hi, Super Hans." "'Come back, man, please!" "'I've got a monkey on my back the size of King Kong." "'I'm being fucked by King Kong!" "'" "Yeah, no, tuck into the KitKats." "'I'm going to cut my tongue off with a rusty razor.'" "Good luck with that." "See you later." "Where is he?" "Is he OK?" "Yeah, he's fine, he's back in London, reading a classic car mag." "Oh, OK." "So listen, Jez, you want to go back to your room and cuddle up and watch a little bit of cable?" "'Oh, she's actually hot for me." "But can't use the room." "'Maybe we could do it behind a bush, or under a car?" "'" "I always thought she could have had kids if she'd tried a bit harder." "I never even wanted kids." "I'd come down to breakfast and all he'd want to talk about was cervixes and fallopian tubes." "'Great, gynaecology My favourite topic of conversation with strangers." "I thought by now I'd be an earth mother with 12 kids round my skirts." "'Gotta get her away from these freaks and pop the question.'" "Sophie, it's getting late, should we be erm?" "What about our walk with Gerard and Isabelle?" "'Got to get her on her own.'" "It's The Apprentice final tonight so we can't miss that." "We've got to go." "But it's so beautiful out there." "Yes but Sugar's got it in for the short guy." "If you want to watch it, then come and find us or I'll see you back at the hotel a bit later, OK?" "'Oh, bollocks!" "I'm gonna end up proposing on the M4, 'possibly the M25!" "How romantic will that be" "'And it's all gonna be her fault." "'Why won't that stupid bitch let me propose to her?" "'" "'Ah!" "That smarts!" "'Horrible whisky." "'Still, midnight down the bar, can't have a chocolate milkshake." "'Jesus!" "What am I gonna do?" "I've got to ask her." "'Or maybe just slope home, never mention it, 'make Jeremy promise not to say jokes about it." "'God, I need someone to talk to, gotta get my thoughts straight." "'Well, he's an idiot but he's my idiot." " Jeremy?" " Mark?" "What are you doing here?" "!" "Nothing." "I'm here with Big Suze." "You said that was allowed." "Hi, Mark." "What are you doing sleeping here?" "Why aren't you in your hotel room?" "Yeah, Jez, the maid must be finished by now." "Yeah, I'll just go and check on that." "The maid?" "At midnight?" "What have you done to the room?" "You haven't abused the mega-deal?" "Well, the thing is - and don't take this badly, but Super Hans has come up, but you'll approve because he's trying to come off the drugs." "Super Hans?" "!" "Going cold turkey on my Sunday Times mega-deal?" "!" "Oh, that is too rich!" "It's Sophie." "Hey, Soph, you got bored of?" "OK, OK, don't panic." "Where are you?" "Don't move." "I'll be there any minute." "Everything's gonna be fine." "Is she not OK?" "She went for a walk with these two idiots drinking sloe gin." "Now they've left her." "She's scared and lost." "I'm gonna go and find her." "Ah, God, that's horrible!" "I could do with a hand." "'I don't wanna go, but apparently you can't just do whatever you want because of "civilisation".'" "Er, yeah, sure, mate." "Did she say where she was?" "She thought she was near a big rock." "Oh, great, well, that should be simple enough" "That's what I was gonna say, and then I thought, a bit more comforting and Des Lynam now," "I can be all Jimmy Carr about it later." " Sophie!" " Sophie!" " Did she say what sort of rock it was?" " No." "Why were you phoning me anyway?" "I wanted to talk some stuff through with someone, you big dick!" "What stuff?" "You're not having gay feelings again, Mark?" "No!" "One time that happened." "It's her." "Soph, I want you to remain calm, but can you give me a description of the rock at all?" "Is it mossy, for example?" "Oh, great." "No, no, that's fine." "Sure." "See you soon." "She's back at the hotel." "She found Gerard and Isabelle about five minutes after she called us." "Oh, for fuck's sake!" "Mark, is this?" "Are we going the right way?" "We're going down so it must be right." "Except we went down and then up." "We should just keep going." "We're bound to hit something soon." "We should probably hurry cos" "Sophie said there might be a bit of a thunderstorm coming in." "Oh, great We have no idea where we are, there might be a storm coming in and we haven't got any stuff and..." "Brilliant We're dead meat." "This isn't the Matterhorn, it's the Quantocks." "Nobody dies in the Quantocks." "If we're very unlucky, we might have wandered onto Exmoor." "Exmoor?" "!" "The moors?" "!" "The barren moors?" "The moors murderers?" " Give me your phone." " Why?" " I'm gonna call mountain rescue." " No." " That's what they're there for." " We're not calling mountain rescue." "We're not gonna be two of those idiots you hear about who go up mountains in flip-flops and have to get rescued." "You'd rather be one of the idiots they find frozen to death, chewed by badgers, drinking their own piss?" "You can't call mountain rescue." "It's only a hill." "They'll let me die because I haven't got a geography degree" "You'd prefer to die rather than ask for a simple piece of help." "We are so going to die." "Will you please stop saying that?" "Ow!" "Bollocks!" "Fuck!" "What is it?" "Shit, my ankle!" "Come here, mate, I've got you." "Come and sit over here." "'Ah, ankle, here we go." "In a couple of hours, we'll be dead.'" "Look, seriously, mate, do you want me to go up there a bit and try and get a bit of reception, yeah?" "Er, no." "No?" "No, mate, no, don't leave." "I'm not being rude." "If you go, you won't come back." "You'll leave me here to die." "Ah, so, now you're admitting that one of us might die." "Nobody is gonna die." "This is southern England." "Nobody dies in southern England, Jeremy, that just doesn't happen." "Now, I haven't told you about this before but..." "I actually have a bar of Dairy Milk with me." "I think it's time we rationed it out." "Can't we just have a bit?" "We've only been lost for 20 minutes and you want to start rationing?" "Let's just eat it." "It's not worth starting rationing once we've eaten it." "You love rationing." "You've been waiting for an opportunity to do rationing on me since the day we met and finally one's come along and you love it, don't you?" "I just thought a block each every two hours and..." "Bollocks." "Give me my half now." "You can ration yourself." "If you insist, there's seven segments so that's three each with one left over, which is mine seeing as it's all mine." "The spirit of the Blitz lives on." "Fucking hell." "Oh, that is so good" "Don't come asking for more when you didn't have the foresight..." " Can I have a bit more?" " No!" "Oh, come on, just a bit." "My half of the fourth chunk." "Go on." "Jeremy, I explained to you..." "Oh, come on, Mark, you knew what would happen." "You knew I'd want to eat it." "You know my nature." "This isn't fair." "You're using my nature against me." "Let's just concentrate on getting back to the hotel." "Sure, mate, sure." "And, erm, thanks, mate, for the chocolate." "Don't mention it." "'Always got the Twix." "No need to mention the Twix.'" "Oh, look, a Frisbee." "Somebody left a Frisbee." "We could use this to dig or maybe catch something - a bird, if you threw it really hard." "Listen, about this whole you asking Sophie to get married..." "It's brilliant and everything, but I was wondering, have you considered, like, not doing it?" "Not doing it?" "!" "But that's what this whole weekend's been about." "I saved all those mega-deal vouchers." "No, obviously, and after all that clipping, you'll want something to show for it." "Like a wife." "But... is it really... a good idea?" "I dunno, I assumed it was because I spend all my time thinking about it." "I'm obsessed with it." "Super Hans is obsessed with crack and poppers and dusting his knob with speed, but it doesn't make it right." "What is it about her that you actually love?" "Are you kidding?" "Everything!" "Her..." "You know..." "She has changed a bit lately, but we had this connection." "Right..." "Which, admittedly, is kind of going, but, you know, she's funny." "Although, now I wonder whether she really WAS funny or whether she was just being normal, but I liked her so much I thought she was funny." "Oh, yeah, I know that one." "Plus, when I was at the height of Sophie madness, it was when I was watching her across a hot photocopier, the little looks, the funny doodles." "Before you had a relationship." "Exactly." "It's almost like... the more we've got to know each other, the worse it's been." "We really have almost nothing in common." "Well, maybe that's a sign." "Oh, my God, I...!" "I don't have to marry her!" "Jez, I'm not going to ask her to marry me!" "There might even be other women in the country who are willing to speak to me and I can go out and find them!" "Or give up on women and eat toasted sandwiches and watch TV!" "Don't give up on women, mate." "There's she-males, hookers, Thai brides, all God's rich tapestry." "Brilliant!" "I feel good!" "Hey, isn't this?" "Jez, this is a footpath!" "A genuine," "National Trust-maintained public right of way!" "Great, fantastic!" "Let's go down, shall we?" "We can snaffle the rest of the choco, go 50-50." "Jez, where are you going, you great doofus?" "It's this way." "No, this way - down." "Down the mountain, remember?" "No, we went down and then up." "I've just got this really strong feeling that I'm right and you should give in because we both know" "I'm more stubborn than you, so give in now." "Normally I give in, but today I'm right and I don't want to go back up the mountain." "Honestly, if you really are gonna go that way, take my fleece and my secret Twix because you are definitely gonna be spending a long, cold night on the moors." "Great The secret Twix!" "When were you gonna tell me about this?" "Or were you gonna wait until I was dead and have it for dessert after you'd feasted on my carcass?" "'Fucking hell, that took for ever!" "'Finally back." "He's always right." "Why is he always right?" "'" "Jez, I'm so glad to see you, I was worried about you." "Do you want to go and cuddle up somewhere soft and warm and... you know?" "I know, honey." "Just give me five, yeah?" "'Wow!" "I'm just so tired and hungry and cold, she'll have a hell of a job 'coaxing a hard-on out of me." "But I bet she'll manage.'" "Oh, Hans!" "Super Hans!" "Jez." "Hi, Super Hans." "How are you doing?" "I just wondered whether you still wanted some drugs?" "What?" "I'm over the hump, but yeah, I'd love some drugs." "And that's definitely your settled decision as a grown-up man?" "I've got nothing to feel guilty about if I gave you some?" "Not really." "OK." "This is a big bag of drugs." "All I'm gonna do is just..." "tape it on here like this, and then, you know..." "Have fun!" "Drugs." "Drugs." "Drugs!" "Hey, Soph." "Where's the Markster?" "Practising his l-told-you-so's?" "He's not back." "I haven't slept a wink." "Do you think he's all right?" "You're kidding?" "!" "Is that Mark's fleece?" "I didn't kill him." "I had the opportunity, but no motive." "I mean, don't worry, Sophie, he'll be fine." "I'm sure." "It's just I feel guilty." "I was such an idiot and he just rushed out straight away to try and find me because he's so lovely like that." "I feel like I'm always the one." "He's such a good person." "I'm always going on and on about the juice bar and smoothies." "It's only fruit squashed up for God's sake!" "Mark!" "Mark, you're safe!" "Brilliant." "Mark, I'm so glad to see you!" "Hello." "Hello, Jez." "And I was right, you were wrong." "You're wet through and unhappy because you didn't listen to me." "What happened?" "Well, I sort of slipped into a kind of mini ravine and I angered a crow that was defending its young." "Then I eventually got a bit of, not exactly sleep, in a disused barn." "Oh...!" "I was right." "Look at you, you're actually shivering." "Brilliant." "'I can't believe I pissed on my legs to keep myself warm.'" "Thanks, Soph." "I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for last night and being a big idiot." "You and me, we've had lots of ups and downs, and I guess the truth is we just have lots of differences and different interests." "Yeah, I know, Soph, so..." "But at some point, you have to say, OK, I don't live in a fairy tale and we can have our own interests and friends and I might do a bit more clubbing and you might do a bit more... history, but that doesn't mean we can't have a nice time." "And neither of us are getting any younger and I might want some little people around sometime soon." "So what I'm saying is, yes." "What to?" "Your alarm clock went off." "So I went into your bag to turn it off and I accidentally found something round and engagementy." "Oh, right." "'Shit!" "'" "I've not got it wrong?" "You were going to?" "Yeah, yeah, no..." "Well then, yes!" "Right then... hooray." "Guess what!" "We're engaged, we're gonna get married!" "Jez, they're gonna get married!" "No, no, they're not." "Yes, yes, we are." "You are?" "Yep." "Isn't it... great?" "Congratulations." "Are you feeling all right now, mate?" "Oh, yeah." "Yep." "I'd probably be very angry at you if I wasn't so incredibly high." "So, Mark, congrats." "Thank you, thanks." "So, what the fuck?" "What happened, did you change your mind?" "Well, no, not really." "She found the ring." " Right." " She said yes, she accepted." "But you hadn't asked." "There was a ring, that's an effective proposal." "So you accepted the acceptance?" "I had to - it was checkmate, there was no way out." "Except for telling her how you felt." "Sure, like that was gonna happen" "I had to accept." "It would have been too embarrassing not to accept the acceptance." "So you're going to get married to her out of embarrassment?" "There are worse reasons." "I suppose you could always get divorced." "Oh, no, I'm not the divorcing type." "So you're going to stay married to this woman for the rest of your life because of embarrassment?" "Yes, probably." "I'd be grateful if, for the rest of my life, you never mention it again." "OK?" "Fair enough." "To the happy couple!" "The happy couple." "'This is good." "Not really loving her puts me in a position of power." "'I win." "Sort of.'" "Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles" "Digging in holes..."