"CTB Film Company" "Channel One Russia" "Yugra-Film Film Company" "PKTK Ritm" "Sberbank" "With the support of the Ministry of Culture of the Russian Federation" "With the support of the government of the Khanty-Mansi Autonomous Area (Yugra) and the Domestic Cinema Support Fund" "In cooperation with OTRK Yugra and Solivs Film Company present" "a film by Georgi Daneliya" "Koo!" "Kin-Dza-Dza" "Koo, koo, koo" "Kew!" "Mama, mama, what are we to do when the cold season comes?" "You don't have a warm scarf..." "Savages" "Mr. Chizhov, it's your phone" "Hello?" "No, this isn't Frosya" "People!" "Tell me the number of your planet in the Tentura" "People!" "I mixed up my contacts." "What number do I dial to teleport home?" "I'll sign everything" "Could you just do one small favor for me, Lucy?" "When you took your things, you accidentally took my blue slippers too" "Could you bring them back?" "I'm quite attached to them." "Goodbye" "Fyodor, could you pass me my instrument please?" "I'll walk" "Mama, mama, what are we to do when the cold season comes?" "Hello?" "Yes, Frosya" "I have your phone" "I took it by mistake" "Goose?" "You said it would be duck" "All right, goose it is then." "Set the table" "No, no, it won't get cold." "I'll be there in a minute" "Hello, Mr. Chizhov!" "Idiot" "Did I scare you?" "I thought you'd like it" "I'm Tolik, Yelena's son" "Who's Yelena?" "Yelena Tsarapkin, your cousin" "I came here to study to be a DJ, but there was no room at the dorm" " Can I stay with you for now?" " No, you can't" "Hello?" "No, this isn't Frosya" " You dropped some candy" " Keep it" "Uncle Vova, here's the thing." "I was robbed on the train" "Could you lend me 1,500 roubles?" "I'll pay you back as soon as mom wires me some money" " I don't carry cash on me." "Good night" " How about 300, then?" "Listen, young man..." "People!" "People, tell me your planet's number in the Tentura" "Junkie" "Or at least the number of your galaxy in the Spiral" "Your feet will freeze off." "Go down into the subway" "No time for the subway." "Please help me" "Here's my teleporter." "I mixed up my contacts" "What number do I dial to teleport back home?" "Dial 911, they'll help" "No, I can't!" "911 is Pluke!" "There are Chatlanians there!" "Sure you can." "Hold this" " Yes, hello?" " Where's the "9" here?" "No, this isn't Frosya" "Woah!" "Listen, I've had enough of this" "I'll be damned!" " We're on Pluke, Uncle Vova!" " Where?" "That fellow with the daisies said that 911 was Pluke" "I dialed the number, and here we are on Pluke" "Hold on" "Tell your barefoot hypnotist that these tricks won't work on me!" "Uncle Vova, wait!" "Something's coming!" "A robot" "A humanoid" "Another trick?" "Let me take a photo, Uncle Vova, or no one will believe us" "Say "cheese"!" "That's enough!" "Good day, friends." "We are aliens from the planet Earth" " We are..." " Kew" " Koo" " Koo" "Hello" "Chem'?" "He wants money" "I don't have that kind" "Here, I have roubles, dollars..." "I'll pay you." "Just take us out of here" "Kew!" "Koo?" "He wants your hat" "My hat?" "Here" "And your coat" "Now he wants your fiddle" "I can't give you this, it's a musical instrument" "Now he wants your hat" "Dream on!" "Hey you, wise guy!" "Let it go" "There's nothing in there" "Open it" "Here, see for yourself" "It's a laser pointer" "That's shampoo." "Soap for the head" "Like it, huh?" "How about a swap?" "I'll give you the hat and the drink for that gizmo on his neck." "And two chatles" "Could you give us a lift?" "See, it's quite odd, actually" "We met this strange man, and the kid pressed a button" "What's taking you so long?" "Hurry up!" "Hey!" "Come back, you jerk!" "Give it back!" "Forget it!" "Let him have it!" "I'll remember this!" "I'll get you later, you half-witted cyborg!" " It's just shampoo" " I paid cash for that shampoo, maestro" "Cash that certain people say they don't carry around" "I don't, for people like you" "They're coming back" " Young man, what's your name again?" " I told you" " Tolik" "Tolik, give them whatever they want, or we're going to die here." "Understand?" "So how come you didn't give them your fiddle?" "Ketse!" "They want a match" "This?" "Another one?" "Be my guest" "Want the match?" "First take us out of here, then we'll give you the "koo"" ""Kew" what?" "Here it is!" "Kew yourself" "Here!" "Found it" "Why do you want it?" "It'll come in handy" "Hello, fellow earthlings." "DJ Tolik Tsarapkin here" "If I had video cameras built into my eyes you'd see that sitting across from me are two shameless, shabby-looking..." "Stop it" " Just look at these weirdos" " Look, do me a favor." "Be quiet" "I've got a splitting headache" "Ketse" "Indeed, Uncle Vova" "Ziegenbogen will be wearing your slippers now" "They speak Russian!" "House slippers" "You speak Russian?" "We're trying." "You were thinking about slippers" "I just repeated what you thought" " Why were you pretending...?" " Why yap for no reason?" "How many matches will we get if we take you to Earth?" " How many do you need?" " Two full boxes like that one" " Six" " What?" "I'll give you three, and that's it" "Five" "Four, and the gizmo ls this your last word?" "The lastest!" "Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "Mama, mama, how am I going to live?" "Here" "Stop it!" "I'm begging you!" " What does this switch do?" " Don't touch it!" "Flip the tsapa back!" "Flip it back now!" "OK!" "Darn it, I can't see a thing!" "Give it to me." "Give it back to me, buddy!" " No way!" " Switch the tsapa off, you jerk!" " Give it back!" "We're going to crash!" " Four chatles or I'm keeping it" " It costs less than half a chatl" " Three, and that's final" " Your last word?" " The lastest" "Here!" "Count it!" "You took a bite out of one." "Give me a new one" "Dream on" "Uncle Vova, come over here" "Look here." "This is the Kin-Dza-Dza Galaxy" "This is planet Pluke, we're here" "Where is your planet?" "Show me" "Let me have a look." "Right..." " Where's the Moon here?" " Don't even bother trying" "For half a chatl any planetarium in the Center will give us the number of your planet" "Buckle up, we're landing" " Where's he going?" " Shh, be quiet" " Why?" " Just because" " They're buying stolen property there?" " Shut up." "They can hear everything" "I don't care what they can hear" "They have a gravitsapa." "Give me the matchbox, I'll buy one" "Hold your horses, wise guy!" "First tell us what this gravitsapa is for" "Without a gravitsapa, buddy, our pepelats can only fly above the surface" "Now, with a gravitsapa, we'll get to any planet in five minutes" "Give me the matches, Uncle Vova" "Don't!" "They're swindlers" "It's just nerves" "It's stuffy in here" "Tolik, son, would you turn the AC on please?" "See, I'm..." "Can you climb up there?" "Where's the switch here?" "Ah, that's better." "Nice and quiet" "Hand over the matches, Uncle Vova" "Open it up!" "Right this second!" "Uncle Vova, buddy, don't worry about it" "He's doing fine." "He's taking a break" "Thinking about the goose" "OK." "Hear for yourself, if you don't believe me" "Tolik, can you hear me?" "You freaks!" "If you don't let me out right now..." "See?" "He's alert, and full of vigor and determination" "They won't let us in." "They'll only let you in" "Don't think about your matches." "Just show them the ketse in my box" "Get going." "The sooner you buy it, the sooner you'll get home" "Go" "Uncle Vova, hold on a second!" "Put this on your nose, buddy" "Thank you, but it's not really my style" "Who do you think you are?" "I am a musician" "No." "You're a Patsak" "He's also a Patsak." "Him, too." "And Traz is a Chatlanian" "So put the tsak on." "Got it?" " Not really" " Look at me with this visualizer, buddy" "Which dot lights up?" "The green one" "Now let's try it on you." "Also green" "That's because we're Patsaks" "Now look at Wef." "Which dot do you see now?" "The orange one" "That's because Mr. Wef is a Chatlanian" " Now do you understand?" " What?" "Without a tsak any ecilop will tranklucate you" "Pluke is a Chatlanian planet, buddy" "That's why we Patsaks must wear tsaks and do the "koo" before Chatlanians" "Like this." "Get it?" "Would you do that one more time, slowly?" "Like this" "Uncle Vova, you've got concerts scheduled your wife left you for Ziegenbogen, and you're..." "Don't make it harder for yourself, buddy" "Uncle Vova!" "Leave the fiddle here" "It's a cello!" "A CELLO!" "And stop calling me Uncle Vova!" "My name is Vladimir!" "Vladimir Chizhov!" "Got it?" "No problem, Uncle Vova" "Hi" "Well, what do I think about you,huh?" "Go on, read my mind" "This way, Patsak" "Come, come, fiddler" "Good day" "Give us your ketse, and you'll get a gravitsapa" "Here you go" " Got to check it" " Please do" "Koo, Uncle Vova" "Go ahead, take a seat" "Sit there, Patsak" "This place is for VIP clients only" "Tell Mr. Traz that I'm no regular Joe, either" "I'm a famous musician, and a distinguished professor..." "He says we don't care" "A VIP client is one with at least two ketses" "At least two ketses" "Tell him I have more than two" "You keep ketses in that box?" "Yes, I keep ketses in it" "Ketses must be kept in a ketse-box" "Without a ketse-box the ketse loses its zura" "Now I've got to run the check all over again!" "I do apologize if this is a personal question" "Ziegenbogen, is he a banker?" " That's irrelevant to the matter at hand." " Of course, if you say so" " Here's a small gift from our company" " Thank you" "Will you excuse me for a moment?" "Gentlemen!" "Something's wrong here." "Come and see!" "Here's the Sun" "Here's the Moon." "Here's Moscow" "Here's the train station." "We fly along the tracks down to Tula..." "Get down!" "They'll be at it for a while" " What's going on?" " Bee said we should go to the Center but Wef brought us here because here it's "two chatles cheaper"" " What about Uncle Vova?" " Uncle Vova gave them all the matches" "Where is he?" "Did they take him with them?" "Nah, he's over there" "You're going to dig like that until your last breath" " Only I can dig him up." " Well, dig him up, then!" "Why should I?" "He doesn't have any more matches" "He has one" "He's hiding it in his shoe" "Guys, I just remembered." "It's not in his shoe" "He keeps it in a secret pocket in his underpants" "Pull him out" "Uncle Vova!" "Is he dead?" "Not necessarily." "Take it easy, Patsak." "Let's find out" "Still alive" " Take off your pants, buddy" " What?" "Drop your drawers, professor!" "Defend yourselves!" "But I'm warning you:" "I used to be a boxer" "Easy there!" "I was joking." "I've got the match." "Here" "Will this desert ever end?" "No" "What about trees or seas?" "Trees and seas were all turned into lutz ages ago, buddy" "You mean ketse?" "Fuel, you fool." "Fuel!" "What's ketse, then?" "A drug?" "No" "Ketse is ketse" "Oh, Lord..." "Koo." "One, two, three..." "TOLIK" " Here." "Eat" " What is it?" "Plastic porridge" "And for Uncle Vova?" "Later" "Look, Patsak, I like you, so I'll explain" "If you have a few ketses, you can wear yellow pants and a Patsak has to squat before you not once, but twice" "And do the "koo"" "If you have many ketses, son you can wear crimson pants" "And then both a Patsak and a Chatlanian have to do the "koo" before you" "And an ecilop has no right to beat you up at night" "Ever" "Tolik, give the match to me" "I'll give you a pair of crimson pants at the Center" "I'm nobody" "It's Uncle Vova who deserves crimson pants" "He's the coolest" " The fiddler's gone, buddy" " What do you mean?" "I pressed the kapa and he flew away" "Say that again?" "We don't need the fiddler, buddy." "He was just a waste of fuel" "Uncle Vova?" "Uncle Vova?" "Turn back" "Don't worry, we have an extra escape pod" "Brand new" "Turn back or I'll burn this!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Wait for me!" "Wait for me!" "Good day, I'm..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I forgot" "You see, I had an accident..." "I wanted to take a shower and the cabin just fell off" "Could you give me a lift to the Center...?" "This is a cello." "A musical instrument" "I know them!" "They're coming for me!" "I'm over here!" "Over here!" ""Koo" what?" "Stop kooing me!" "Stay here and keep out of sight." "And don't think about the match!" "Where's Tolik?" "Right here, Uncle Vova" "Tolik, come out." "That jerk saw you" "Koo, officer ecilop" "Give the match to the creep" " What match?" " Give it to him" "Officer ecilop, they're hallucinating after the shampoo" "They drank all of my shampoo" "I thought I'd wash my hair after I teleported" "I don't have any matches" "He can't hear you, buddy." "He's deaf" "Shame on you!" "How dare you lie to an ecilop?" "Give me your foot, you swindler!" "What are you doing, moron?" "Be quiet now, thinker" "Bye Patsaks!" "Why were you thinking about the match?" "Imbecile!" "Why were you thinking about the match, you cretin, you idiot?" "Patsakian dimwit!" "Tolik, help me out over here!" "What a tragedy!" "What a tragedy!" "I only thought about the match because you told me not to" "I was going to think about the goose" "There's still hope, gentlemen" "We'll go see your government" "I'll tell them who I am, put on a free performance for them" "We'll establish cultural and economic ties" "We'll trade you ketses for pepelatses and yellow pants" "To get to the government, you need to have a gravitsapa" "The government lives on another planet, buddy" "They have butterflies there, too" "Tolik, get him!" "What are you doing!" "Drop it!" "Stop, you jerk!" "So long, DJ!" "Never before..." "Never before in all the Galaxy has there been such a despicable Patsak as you!" "Tolik Tsarapkin" "The woods are so beautiful in winter" "Fir trees put on their fur hats" "Birds sing" "Cuckoo!" "Cuckoo!" "Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "This is Tolik" "Yelena Tsarapkin's son" "All right, let's have goose..." "Give me that!" "Hello?" "Speak up!" "Uncle Vova..." "I was just kidding" "Tolik, please address me by my full name" "It would be more polite" "Why?" "I'm your nephew" "Because I don't have a cousin named Yelena Tsarapkin" "That's why" "No cousin?" "Fine" "Hello, earthlings." "DJ Tolik Tsarapkin here" "Tolik!" "A tornado!" "Get down!" "AN ABRIDGED CHATLANIAN-PATSAK DICTIONARY" "PEPELATS - a spaceship GRAVITSAPA - an anti-gravity kapa" "ECILOP - a policeman TSAK - a nose bell" "ETSIKH - prison KETSE - a match" "KEW - a socially acceptable obscenity KOO - all other words" "Bless you!" "Hey!" "Wait up!" "No come closer!" "What you want?" "We are Patsaks from the planet Earth" " Can you take us to the Center?" " Three chatles please" "We don't have any money." "But we'll work for it" "What do you can?" " Anything" " Be you specific" "Specific?" "Vladimir here is specifically a famous fiddler" "Him Play" " Here?" " There!" "I'm very sorry, but I can't!" "To play this instrument I need to be sitting down" "Thank you, goodbye" "Wait!" " Here, sit on me" " This is ridiculous" "If they leave, we're dead" "Play already!" "No play like that!" "We puke" "Thank you, goodbye" "Hold it!" "i'll play" "Hand it over" "You play or we leave" "Here." "Be careful with it" "Don't touch it!" "It's tuned" "I'm tuning it guitar-like" "We not want guitar." "We want fiddle." "You play with stick" "And sit" "To play this instrument you need to be sitting down" "Vladimir" "Look, you sat on me" "You play or we leave" "Wait." "We turn volume up." "Koo" "And Sing!" "One, two, three" "Mama, mama, what are we to do?" "This we like a lot" "This we no puke" "OK, grandma, you go:" "oompa, oompa, oomph" "You, pops, you only go: dun." "Bring it on!" "Stop." "Faster please" "Why he no sing?" "He'll go "oooh" in between" "Spare me please" "And porridge eat you want?" ""Do you want to eat?" Mind your grammar please" "We talk, you mind grammar." "Then you be of any use" "Do "koo" now, or the ecilop tranklucate us!" "A hologram?" "That's Pezhe" "Who's Pezhe?" "He great!" "I so love Pezhe!" "Me too" "We praise skies all the time that he let us on Pluke" " Was it even worse on your planet?" " Air" "No air?" "Air yes, but not everyone breathe" "What do you mean?" "If you have money you breathe" " And if you have no money?" " Then you blow up your balloon" "Quick!" "Get in cage." "Patsaks must sing in cage" "A nightingale doesn't sing in a cage, grandma" "Let's get in, if that's the rule" "One, two, three..." "You, nightingale, do it the right way:" "sit on the fiddler" " How do you know what's the right way?" " I thought it look nice" "Some aesthete..." "One, two, three..." "Hey, Patsak!" "Stop making faces at me!" "Don't you like Chatlanians?" "Smile, smile yourself!" "Stretch lips to ears" "Like this" "Are you baring your teeth at me?" "A Patsak's smile must be joyful and sincere" "Listen here, pops." "Either you shut up and we play, or goodbye!" "Our goose is getting cold" "What?" "A misfire" "Hold on." "You just wait!" "Must leave now" "Here hill." "Need to push cart" "One, two, and push!" "Goodbye Patsaks!" "You think you can run away from me?" "Nightingales!" "Let's get out of here" "Switch off your phone" "Wait a second" "Hello?" "Frosya, could you give me some garlic?" "This is Vladimir Chizhov." "Could you do me a favor?" "Ask Frosya to call Fima in London and tell him to call Parmakov..." "Don't worry, daddy" "Daddy!" "Daddy!" "Look what that clown Pezhe has done to the planet!" "Patsaks are flashing their butts at us in broad daylight!" "Daddy, don't look at all this!" "Earth is somewhere out there" "How long have we been stuck here on this Pluke?" "Forty-seven hours and twenty minutes" "I have a rehearsal in London in 4 hours" "Uncle Vova... ls it hard to get into show business?" "I don't know" "How did you get into it?" "Paid half a ketse for it" "You poor thing" "Don't worry, I won't let anything bad happen to you anymore" "Good evening" "ls this for me?" "Thank you very much" "Do you want me to play?" "Well, you scared off the only music connoisseur on this planet" "FITYULKA" "Tolik, have you seen my wallet by any chance?" "No." "Did you lose it?" "Must have fallen out" "No, it couldn't have fallen out" "The pocket was zipped up" "Are you saying I took it?" "Here." "See for yourself!" "Hi there" " Where's your flying pigpen?" " Over there." "We ran out of lutz" "It's all your fault, jerk" "Think that I'm holding a tranklucator" "Hey!" "Turn around" "Uncle Tolik, don't kill me!" "We're both Patsaks" "We're brothers!" "He's a Chatlanian" "Kill him instead." "He made me do it!" "Uncle Tolik..." "Don't listen to him, Uncle Tolik!" "I love you like a son" "I swear by my lifeblood!" "Lies!" "He's lying, Uncle Tolik!" "He said, "To hell with them." "To hell with them"" "You can step on my face if you want to, buddy" "That can wait" "Now, raise the cage and step aside" "After you, Vladimir" "Well, you can sit on me, if you want to" "I'll teach you how to play." "It's simple:" "you grab the stick with your hand..." "No, thank you." "I'd rather be a chair" "Mama, mama, what are we to do when the freezing season comes?" "You don't have a warm scarf" "I don't have a warm coat" "Uncle Tolik, keep going, buddy!" "They like it" " They get it" " An ecilop!" "Well, humanoids, is there enough for a gravitsapa?" "No, buddy, you need a lot more than that" "Vladimir, keep your eyes on them." "There are 13 chatles there" "Pick about 300 of these things." "Then, in the next show, when I come onstage..." "What are you doing, buddy?" "That's a last breath." "A grave" "Does no one sing in cages on Earth?" "Mr. Wef, on Earth only animals are kept in cages" " Are animals Patsaks?" " More like Chatlanians" "So you have the same flagrant racism as here, on Pluke" "Only on Earth it was the Patsaks who took power, not the Chatlanians" "Together with Uncle Tolik's friend, a nightingale" "Well, Vladimir?" "Hey, Patsak!" "This is where you go "koo"" "I didn't hear it" "Well, don't stick fingers in your ears" "I can't bear listening to this" "Then just watch" "When I raise one finger, you sing "koo"" "Two fingers, "ee"." "Got it?" "Go!" "Mama, mama, what are we to do when the cold season comes?" "I don't have a warm scarf" "You don't have a warm coat" "Vladimir?" "He's just dumb!" "I am among the five best musicians in the world!" "Do you expect me to go "cuckoo" with you here?" "Enough!" "Uncle Tolik, don't fret." "He's just jealous" "Never before in all the Galaxy has there been such a talentless Patsak as him" "Says he's among the top five musicians on the planet when he can't even memorize two notes" "Jerk" "I have a business proposal." "You and I lose them in the Center" "We buy a gravitsapa and fly to Earth" "We split the matches evenly:" "2 boxes for you, 3 for me." "Deal?" " How are we going to buy the gravitsapa?" " No problem" "Here" "Gentlemen virtuosos of Planet Pluke" "Come here for a moment." "Mr. Abradox has a surprise for you" "Ketse!" "Woah!" "What's that?" "A zeppelin?" "It's the last breath of Pezhe ls he dead?" "What are you saying, buddy?" "Pezhe is very much alive" "Who is this Pezhe anyway?" "Your president?" "Pezhe is Pezhe, buddy" "I love Pezhe very much" "Couldn't we have landed a little closer?" "Then we'd have to pay for a landing ticket" "Piece of cake, Vladimir." "Come on over" "I don't think I can, Tolik." "I am acrophobic" " You're what?" " Acrophobic." "It's a condition" "The fear of heights" "All right." "Wait there, then" "Let's go" " Uncle Tolik, put on a tsak, buddy" " I will, later" "Hey!" "Want some cosmic dust?" " Does the fiddler have any chatles?" " No" "It's fresh." "Yesterday's" "Tell him to bury himself in the sand if he sees an ecilop" "Guys, let's carry him over" "No need to carry him" "I can bring him over on my tsurlap for one chatl" "Deal" "Get on." "Acrophobes..." " Are we going around it?" " Get on already" "Just try not to breathe on my neck" "And don't touch me" "I hate acrophobes" "You're the cause of all this mess" " Hey!" "Where are you going?" " Get your hands off of me!" " Hold on, Uncle Vova!" " Don't!" "The plank will snap!" "Abradox will save them!" "He won't pay." "Let's go" " What about Uncle Vova?" " What about him?" " You said he didn't have money." "Let's go" " I'll pay." "Save them" "Two chatles." "There are two of them" "Here's one." "Here's two" "Add one more." "For the ecilop" "Hey you, stop!" "Listen you, acrophobe" "I'm not paying." "It's all your fault that we're hanging here" "Quit mooing and pay up!" "Acrophobes." "I'd strangle you all" "I don't have any money." "None" "Now I understand why Lucy left you for Ziegenbogen" "Oh yeah?" "Why?" "Because you're a miser and a coward" " Who, me?" " Who else?" "Watch my hand, hero" "By the shores of Gitche Gumee" "By the shining Big-Sea-Water" "That's one!" "Stood the wigwam of Nokomis" "Daughter of the Moon, Nokomis" "Rose the black and gloomy pine-trees" "That's two!" " Hey!" "Stop joking around" " Be quiet" "Dark behind it rose the forest" "Rose the firs with cones upon them" "Bright before it beat the water" "Beat the clear and sunny water" " That's three!" " Enough!" "I'll pay!" "Don't interrupt me!" "There the wrinkled old Nokomis" "Nursed the little Hiawatha" "Rocked him in his linden cradle" "Rocked him in his..." "Rocked him in his linden cradle" "Stop. you scum!" "Bedded soft in moss and rushes" "Hey you, humanoids!" "If you don't pull him up now, I'll sell you to Moscow Zoo" "For three chatles apiece" "Chatl" "Patsaks in the back" "Man, that's totally unreal!" "I can't even see the bottom" "There is no bottom, buddy." "It's the edge of the planet ls it flat, lying on the backs of three elephants?" "Oh, no." "When they were testing the gigatsapa they forgot to put the purz into the ketse-box" "So a piece broke off" "Completely" "They're pumping up the last breath, huh?" "Patsak, I love Pezhe very much!" "Get it?" " Me too" " And me!" "And I koo him even more" "Hey, Patsak!" "Want to buy a gravitsapa?" "A dual-zur model with a magnetic kapa." "Look" "Does it work?" "What do you take me for?" "Like clockwork" "Listen for yourself" "So you'll buy it?" "Guys, there's a man selling a gravitsapa there." "Do we want it?" "Later." "First we need the address" "Yellow pants! "Koo" twice!" " Want some mirages?" " What mirages?" "Good mirages" "Tsarapkin, is that you?" "Lizyakina" "Tolik, you're like, woah!" "You should have called and said you were going to Pluke" "Your mom is totally freaking out" "I tried." "Couldn't get the signal" "Uncle Vova, this is Lida Lizyakina from the ninth grade" "Hello" "Hi." "I saw you on TV" "Tolik, are there any clubs around here?" "I don't know, I haven't checked yet" "Cool." "Do you want me to kiss you?" "Sure" "Pay up." "Two chatles" " For what?" " For the mirage" "Want to see more?" "Don't buy it, Tolik." "That's a pirated mirage" "Let's go." "I have a legal copy" "The adult version" "Think the diameter of your planet's orbit" " The diameter of the orbit?" " Yes, the diameter." "Are you deaf?" " 2 x pi x radius, Uncle Vova." " Two pi R?" "No, that's something else" " Give her one of your hairs" " Why?" "She'll extract the coordinates from your DNA, buddy" "It's dyed" "It's not dye." "It's conditioner" "Doesn't matter." "The structure is damaged" "Pull one out from your nose." "There's one sticking out" "Shut up" "Do you use conditioner on your nose hair too, Hiawatha?" "You give me one" "No problem" "Shampoo?" "Yup, the real thing." "From Vietnam." "Mom bought it in town" "This will do" "This will take a minute." "You can call Earth in the mean time" " That's great!" " Think your phone number" "With the area code?" "Hello?" "Who's this?" "Speak up" "Say something." "Time's ticking" "Mom, hi!" "How are things?" "Tolik!" "Tolik!" "ls that you?" "Tolik?" "Tolik, where are you?" "I'm at Uncle Vova's country house" "Uncle Vova's?" "Tolik, why did you go see that snob?" "I told you not to!" "Mom, he can hear you" "Time's up." "Over and out" "Hey, that sounded like Yelena Mashkova" "That's right" "Wait a minute." "You said your mother was Yelena Tsarapkin" "Look, fiddler, his mother married his father" "And so she became a Tsarapkin" "Understand?" "Remember this once and for all, Patsaks" "The number of your planet is Uzm-27 in the Spiral, 16 in the Tentura" "Tolik, I'm very sorry" "Just forget it" "Uncle Vova, may I stay the night at your place when we get back?" "Of course" "You know what, Tolik?" "You can move in with me" " Nah, mom wouldn't like it" " What's the number?" "Twenty-seven in the Spiral, 16 in the Tentura" "Your mom can move in, too" "Uncle Vova, is Ziegenbogen a banker?" " No, a flutist" "Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "Mama, mama, how am I going to live?" "Uncle Vova, look." "My jacket and your coat" " Were they the ones who stole our matches?" " Yes, that's them" "Crimson pants." "They'll throw you in an etsikh with nails for life!" " Tolik, don't" " I'll be right back" "Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "Mama, mama, how am I going to live?" "Ni" "Ni" "I forgive you the ketses but you're going to have to return ourjacket and coat" "Lizyakina!" "Have some pride." "Stop chasing after him" "Can't trick me, lady." "It's a pirated mirage" "Then tell your mirage that decent girls wear tsaks in their noses instead of the navel" "And only one, not five" "Gentlemen, one moment please" "Bravo, maestro!" "Hail, Earthling!" "If you ever set foot on this miserable planet know that the first visitors from Earth were Tolik Tsarapkin and his uncle, a famous cellist, Vladimir..." "Well, that's that" "Patsak, where is he, your Hiawatha?" " He's in the etsikh" " And the other two?" "Them too" "That'll teach him to scare the planet" ""Rocked him in his linden cradle"" " Damn acrophobes" " Quiet now" "Hello, tin man" " Did they let you go?" " They stole the match and hit me in the eye" " ls that our fiddle?" " It's mine now." "I glued it back together" " Help me fetch the cage" " Why?" "We'll perform, make some money to bail our guys out." "Let's go" "Tsarapkin, I've gone solo I don't need anyone" "Shove off." "Don't mess up my act" " Give me the fiddle" " No way" "I'm asking you nicely" "Don't come any closer, Patsak, or I'll poke you!" "Oh really?" "Jerk!" "I wish I could smash the fiddle against his head, too" "Don't think about that, Tsarapkin!" "Think about the goose instead" "Or about Lida Lizyakina from the ninth grade" "Honk-honk-honk!" "Idiot" "You should have seen the pepelats he bought with our match!" "A triple micro-tsapa with a magneto-zur" "Aromatic spiral bolts, a laser-equipped toilet in the mainframe" "Can you talk with the deaf?" " Sure, why?" " I have a business proposal for him" " What is it?" " He takes me to Earth and back and I give him ten boxes of ketses" "OK, and 3,000 boxes for me" " How many?" " Tsarapkin" "Dough is not a problem." "I've got dough" "Yen, euros, dollars, roubles..." "OK?" "Mama, mama, what am I to do?" "Mama, mama, how am I going to live?" "Buckle up Patsak." "We're going to crash land soon" " Why?" " Just because" "We're falling." "I pinched the gravitsapa" " Why?" " We'll install it on our..." "Tsarapkin!" "Think about Lida Lizyakina from the ninth grade." "Now!" " Come on, think!" " Lizyakina" "Good boy" "So, we'll install it on our pepelats, and I keep the deaf guy's share" "Put it back, you scum!" "We're going to crash!" "You scumbag!" "You broke the sky in the office of my beloved Pezhe!" "Come out, Patsak" "Yeah, yeah, tin man." "Just a second" "Everyone on the floor!" "Hands behind your heads!" "Pezhe's coming with me." "The rest don't move for an hour" "Are we koo or not koo?" "Koo, Uncle Tolik!" "Koo, buddy" "What number?" "Bring out Uncle Vova" "And the other two" "Why them?" "Just because" "That's one tough Patsak" "Hello Vladimir Chizhov" " A video?" " No" "I've been meaning to talk to you." "This thing here is called a tsak" " I think, you..." " Vova, just hit him in the face already" "What's that?" "What are you holding there?" "A Plukian musical instrument." "My grandfather gave it to me" "Ah, here come those two creeps" "Hey there" "Koo, Uncle Tolik!" "Koo, buddy" " Tsapa?" " Check" " Kapa?" " Check" "Tsapa?" "I said, tsapa!" "Stop yelling." "Tsarapkin, there's some junkie asking for you" "People!" "That was some dialing that you did" "It took ages to find you." "Here's your candy back" "Hi" "Hi." "If you want, I can return you to Earth" "I found out the number" "How about this?" "We go to Earth, buy matches, come back and hide them." "Then we go back and buy..." "You can't bring ketses with you." "Ketses are contraband" " We'll split it with you 50:50" " No" "90:10" "No" " 90:9" " No!" "Quit haggling, astronauts." "We'll fly on the pepelats" " Stay out of this - 90:9" "No, no, and no!" "Off you go then, mister." "Go home" " Tsapa" " Check" " Kapa" " Check" "Guys, do you like dumplings?" "Sure" "OK, so then first we..." "We've landed" "Guys, this isn't Earth." "You missed it" "This is Xanud" "What Xanud?" " The planet where I was born" " Me too" "Woah!" " You like it?" " I'll be damned!" "Uncle Tolik, like we told you the planet Xanud costs almost nothing now" "A month of singing "Mama", and the planet is ours" "Another month, and we can buy the air" "Everybody without air will come here" "They'll be crawling on all fours and we'll just spit on them" " What for?" " For fun" "Half the planet is yours, the other half is ours, deal?" "It's tempting, of course" "But we need to return to Moscow." "Let's not waste time" "You shut up." "We're not talking to you" "Uncle Tolik, come here, buddy" "Look here." "We are here." "Earth is here" "Earth is in the Antitentura, buddy." "There's no way we can reach it" "How so?" "I've been unlucky all my life" " Did you learn that at the planetarium?" " Yes, buddy" " Then why did you keep quiet?" " We didn't, buddy!" "We tried to convince him" "The kid screwed it all up" ""We'll fly on the pepelats"" "The pepelats can't make it to Earth" "Enough talk, let's go divide the planet" "They're lying, Uncle Vova" "Take us to Earth, right now!" "Uncle Tolik, we can't!" "I swear on the kapa!" "No, they're not lying" "For those ketses they'd crawl on all fours across the entire Galaxy" "Of course!" "Put the mask on, Vova" "The oxygen here is only 30% of the norm" "Arthur Ziegenbogen" "Flute concerto" "In memoriam of the great cellist" "Performed by the composer" " Uncle Tolik, don't kill me!" " Don't listen to him, Uncle Tolik!" " We're Patsaks." "We're brothers!" " I love you like a son!" "Go to hell, you two" "Uncle Vova, put this on" "No one needs the fiddler, Uncle Tolik" "No one needs me, either" "Don't." "You're still young." "You'll adapt" "Uncle Vova, I lied to you" "Nobody stole my money" "I lost it all in a street scam" "Just don't tell mom" "OK?" "Tsarapkin, after we crash-landed, my micro-tsapa has been glitchy" "Sing, before you blow up your balloon." "I'll record it onto the tsapa" "Bee said we should tranklucate the fiddler, "He has a bad influence on the boy"" "And Wef said, "What will Tsarapkin sit on?"" "He's greedy, like all Chatlanians people!" "I forgot to tell you" "You can't get to Earth on that ship" "We know." "It's in the Antitentura." "So use your teleporter then" "Buddies, what about us?" " Don't you feel sorry for us?" " Come along" "What?" "Me?" "To the planet where you can't tell a savage Patsak from a Chatlanian?" " You can go back if you don't like it" " No, buddies" "Heavens be my witness:" "a society with no pants-color differentiation has no future!" "I'm sorry, I can't wait any longer" "Friend, alien!" "Wait just a few more minutes" "Tsarapkin, let's record the entire act" "Be quick, I'm suffocating" "Mama, mama, what are we to do when the cold season comes?" "I have no warm scarf" "You have no warm coat" "Woah!" "I'll be damned" "Hello, Mr. Chizhov!" "Idiot" "Did I scare you?" "I thought you'd like it" "I'm Tolik, Yelena's son" "Hello?" "No, this isn't Frosya" " You dropped some candy" " Keep it" "Uncle Vova, here's the thing." "I was robbed on the train" "Could you lend me 1,500 roubles?" "I'll pay you back as soon as mom wires me some money" "I don't carry cash on me." "Good night" "How about 300, then?" "Listen, young man if you don't leave me alone..." "Your phone is ringing" " Hello?" " It's Frosya" "Ziegenbogen brought your old slippers" "Should I take them?" "Don't." "Koo, Uncle Vova?" "Curiously good subtitles by Eclectic Translations"