"Who has something that they would like to share?" "I just had an argument with a deer." "How did this get into this?" "Kelly and Chelsea both gave it up for the same smooth-talking alien." "My God!" "They were different beings!" "Just admit it, it was aliens!" "It also could have been the tooth fairy." " Where's the metal?" " Because we have no proof." "Crap!" "Don!" "We got to finish those reports." "Don?" "Did you hear me?" "Don?" "!" " What is that?" " "Alien Blaster."" "Why are you killing them?" "They're trying to take over the planet... duh." "When you're done pretending to be a human," "I need you to be an alien up on this freakin' ship and do some freakin' work." "Call me." "There you are." " What can I get you?" " I'll have a large coffee." "Father!" "Come on, here." "You come on ahead of me." " No, it's okay." " No, no, come on ahead of me." " I insist." " All right." "Thank you." " I insist." " Thank you." "Um, just a regular coffee, please." "And could you put in a good word for us with the big guy upstairs?" "Yes, John." " All right." " Okay." " Aren't people just the best?" " Yes, thank you." "And also if you could ask him..." " if he could let the Giants..." " Giants," " win this weekend." " Yes, yes, yes." "Okay." "Thank you." "I'm sorry, what were you saying?" "It's been one day since my last confession." "One day?" "Okay, go ahead." "I masturbated 22 times yesterday." "That's just too much." "You have to know that." "Just... just cut... just cut back a little bit." "I've been receiving Vanity Fair for a year, even after I canceled my subscription." "I'm pretty sure that's not a sin." "Father, I'm gonna burn in hell." "No one burns in hell for clerical errors." "I used the Lord's name in vain." "Okay, go ahead." "While I was masturbating." "Father, he's back with his swagger and his..." "It's a squirrel." "He's..." "he's a squirrel, Joan." "I'll be right there." "Replace cartridge." "Replace cartridge." "God damn it." "Bunch a piece of garbage." "Come on!" "You piece of crap!" "Garbage!" "Okay, I'm handing out these forms." "They will guide you in sharing your alien experience with your loved ones." "I want you to write, "The reason I brought you here is blank."" "And then, finally," ""My name is blank..."" ""and I'm an experiencer."" "But they already know our names." "Well, yes, but that's, of course, that's part of the process, so..." "Listen, I really want to stress that you only invite someone who you trust... and who you feel safe around." "Um... is this mandatory?" "Nothing here is "mandatory."" "But I would say that it is emotionally mandatory, in a kind of, you know, optional way." "Well, I'm not inviting my family because they already think that regular therapy is weird." "Can I get a pass, you know, 'cause of the whole getting a chunk of metal taken out of my skull?" "I'm still processing it." "Can I get a pass, too?" "Guys, no passes, okay?" "This is what we've been working towards." "I know who I'm gonna bring." "Hey, Mom, I don't think it would be good for you to come up this weekend." "I just... a lot of research." "So, you know, maybe we can do it another time." "Yeah." "No, that's great." "Okay, I miss you, too." ""My name is Isaac Graham, and..."" "I am not doing this." "I'm going to my adult education class." " Yeah?" " Be back later." "What are you studying in there tonight?" "The Renaissance." " Take the left." " No." "No." "Actually, the GPS says that we should go straight, so..." "Well, you just added three minutes on to our trip." "Well, Robert, you know," "Mother says that we should spend more time together, so..." "I think I really like you, Edgar." "I like you, Maggie." "And I'm not trying to rush things, but I would love it if you could join me at my group later tonight." "I wouldn't miss it for the world." "You think you want me there, too?" "Um..." "I was thinking it would be really just more like an Edgar-and-me thing." "Mom." "Why are you wearing that?" "You said we were going to church." "No, it's at the church, not going to church." "Should I... should I change?" "No, it's fine, we just... we're gonna be late." "It's just listening." " Okay." " Excuse me." "I just with you would listen." " Okay." "I will." " It's okay." "No." "I'm just so happy we're together." "You said there'd be an open bar here." "There isn't?" "What?" "!" "Has anyone seen Ozzie?" "I just got a text." "Says he's got food poisoning." "Yeah." "I got that text, too." "Yeah, maybe he ate some bad chicken." "Come on, ref, where's the yellow card?" "What, are you blind?" "!" "Hey, Padre, what are you drinking, blood of Christ?" "Never gets old, Tommy." "Father?" "Hey, I..." "I didn't recognize you in your civilian clothes." "Yeah, I'm..." "I'm undercover." "No group tonight?" "No, no." "I'm playing hookey." "All right, cool." "I won't bring up aliens if you won't bring up God." "Deal." "Tonight I'm just Doug." "All right, just Doug, can I buy you another beer?" "Yes, thank you, and shots." "All right, just Doug." "Yeah." "Goal!" "Goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal!" "No one... why do I come to this... goal!" " Nobody." " They... yeah, no." " This is not a soccer bar." " No, it's not." "You're here tonight... because you're loved one has something very important to tell you." "Now, I want everyone to remember that this is a safe place... and it's a judgment-free zone." "Okay, so those are the ground rules." "Who'd like to begin?" "Ennis?" "Okay." "Well, Caleb, the thing is, I've... brought you here to tell you that I was snatched..." " Visited." " Beamed up while camping." "Intruded on." "I had a late-night conversation with..." " A Gray." " It was a reptilian..." "A tall, white..." "Lavender-smelling alien..." "With great hair." "Mine wasn't the same as Kelly's." "I was never taken, but being taken is my life's ambition." "Jesus, Gerry." " Old school!" " Yeah." "I think you're all probably feeling a lot." "That's okay." "Remember, your loved ones have just done... a very brave thing here." "So... positive feedback is, encouraged." "I got this one." "I got this one." " You got this one?" " Yeah." "Aliens?" "Wow." "Yeah." "Yeah, it's pretty heavy stuff." "Yeah." "I had no idea... that you were so desperate for attention." "I knew he would do this!" "I knew it!" "I knew it!" "You just... you can't let me have anything, can you?" "Please!" "You've always been jealous of me, ever since I was on "Star Search."" " What?" "!" " Yeah." " "Star Search" again?" " Okay, let's-let's try..." " Unbelievable!" " to support each other here, guys." "He is incapable." "Yes, Robert." "There are aliens." "They chose me." "Deal with it." "No, no, no." "Stop." "Stop laughing." "It's not... it's not funny, Marcy." "First you told me you're gay, and now you're telling me you've been abducted by aliens." "Could you just maybe pick one?" "Neither one's a choice, Caleb." "I wish you'd go back to school, finish your Master's." "What?" "!" "God!" "How are you even doing this to me right now?" "You're so understanding, Suzie." "I wish I had that kind of support." "Thank you." "I try my best." "No, you know, I think you're doing really great." "Raising kids is so hard." "What are you talking about?" "You don't even have kids." " I could have kids." " Okay, great, but you don't." "I could have several children." " Wow." "Amazing." " You don't know that about me." "You're such an amazing imaginary mom." "You don't know anything about me, actually, Kelly." "I do know a lot more about you than I'd like." "No, no, you don't." "Well, you talk about big, fat alien dick ever single week." "What's wrong with big fat alien dick..." "Let's stick to "I" statements, "I feel" statements." "That is exactly what she's like in group." "What are you... nobody is even talking to you." "I need everyone to stay very calm!" "Is this because you think I stole your experience?" "No!" "I like your mom." " I think she's a nice lady." " Bullshit!" " All right, what?" "!" " I thought you were a sex addict." " Se..." " But I'm proud of you." "Don't you... you're proud of me?" "I'm proud of you." "You get it, girl." "But I didn't know it was aliens." "And Ennis, the gay farmer, he was visited by a little gray," " but Richard and I..." " Don't point your finger at me." " Why, is it bothering you?" " No." " Is it bothering you?" " Sometimes, they wear capes." "But mine had on a trench coat." "And, um, I wasn't scared, which surprised me." "I thought I'd be scared." "Isn't it wonderful?" "People are so different." "Don't point yourself!" " I'm gonna point at you!" " I'm gonna point at you!" "I'd like to remind you both that you love each other." "Hey, hey, stop it!" "No, no!" "Hey, hey!" "I have achieved a yellow belt status in Aikido, and I am not afraid to apply it if I feel under threat!" " Excuse me?" " John?" "Well, what are you doing here?" "I thought I might get some adult education." "No, come on." "Ozzie, can I ask you..." "I don't know, it's just this whole alien thing." "I mean..." "Look, I get it." "You want to see where it happened?" "This is where it all went... you know, down." "You're the first person that I've..." "I've told about this, you know, outside the group." "You're in luck." "I'm a pro secret-keeper." "Hey, what's Operation Mongoose?" "Operation Mongoose was a Latin jazz funk band from the early '90s." "Cool." "I was the keyboardist." "What?" "!" "Were you any good?" "Were we good?" "Did you ever hear of a little band called Tonto's Expanding Headband?" "No." "Their manager was very interested in us." "So, yes, we were... we were pretty good." "You should get your band back together." " Yeah." " No, I'm a priest." "So?" "Priests can't be in Latin jazz funk bands?" "No, it's just a..." "No." " It's complicated." " Did you have groupies?" " Well..." " You had groupies." "That was a long time ago." "I took a vow." "I'm a priest." " No." " No, you should do it." "Look, if you love it..." "If you love something..." " you should do it." " I have feelings for a woman!" "Okay." "It's Chelsea." "Why did I..." "Please, promise me you won't tell anybody." "No, no." " Ozzie..." " No, I promise." "What, are you just waiting for me in the parking lot?" "Yeah." "Maybe I was." "Hi, I'm..." "I'm guessing your Chelsea's husband, John." " Hi." "Welcome." " Yeah." "Well, John's an easy name to remember, so..." "Seems like you're having some big feelings." "Feelings, sure." " You're a fraud and an enabler." " Okay, John." "You missed the conversation about positivity, I guess." "And you're victimizing these people, including my wife." "Really?" "It is your wife's decision whether she wants to come here or not." "Thank you." "Okay, well, I'll let her decide." "Do you want to stay with the alien people, or do you want to live in the real world?" "That is a false choice, sir." "Excuse me... sorry." "Sir, I think you misunderstand." "We're not aliens." "Who are all of you people?" "!" "Okay, John, that's enough." "I'm sorry, everyone." "Look, we're gonna go." "No, no, you don't need to do that, Chelsea." "No, Gina, please, I think it's for the best." "This is the work." "Son, I love you, but I'm leaving." "Come with me if you want a ride." "Dad, you know you can't drive at night." "I'm gonna go wait in the car, Dad." "What?" "Caleb?" "There's still cake." "Gina, it's over." "Don't chase the night, okay?" "Today, I was supposed to tell my mom that..." "I've been abducted by aliens in group." "She doesn't know?" "No, no." "I told her I came up here to write a novel about the Civil War." "Yeah." "I did." "I've heard worse in confession." "What are you doing?" "I got to call her." "I got to tell her." "I can't lie to her like I'm some teenager." "I'm an adult." "I got to act like one." "No, that's... that's cool." "But just maybe not now, not drunk dialing." "Maybe wait till you're sober." "No, it's fine." "She can handle it." "I've done a bunch of stupid stuff when I was sober." "I have a tattoo of the Public Enemy logo." "I did that when I was sober." "She can handle this." "All right, all right." "Okay." " Hey, Jerry!" " What?" " Hey, Doug, what are you doing?" " You'll thank me in the morning." "No, Doug, give me my phone back." "Don't make me tackle a priest!" " Give me the phone, Doug!" " No." "Come on!" "Come on, just give me the phone!" "As the more sober one between us, it's my job to protect you." "Why do you even care?" "It's my life." "Ozzie, my mother calls me "Father."" "My mother." "Ever since I became a priest, everything changes." "I'm not Doug anymore, I'm Father Doug." "This is totally different." "Is it?" "We both were spoken to by a higher power that we didn't understand." "We both left lives behind." "And now people look at us differently." "Okay, there might be some similarities." "It's too late for me." "I'll always be Father Doug, always." "But you, do you really want this alien thing to define who you are?" "You're right, you're right." "I..." "You know what, I should..." "I should just" " not do any..." "I should sleep on it." " Thank you." "Slept on it!" "Ozzie, hey!" "The first time, they stole my ovaries, so I was barren, and I got over that." "It was very disappointing." "But the surprising thing was..." "Hey, hey." "Don't do this!" "It's too late, it's ringing." "Do you really think you can go back once you start telling people that you've seen aliens?" "Hey, Mom." "Hey, sorry." "Did I... did I wake you up?" " Go with God." " Yeah, I just..." "I just needed to tell you something." "I just needed to tell you that I should call you more." "No, I'm not drunk, Mother." "You're drunk." "Okay." "Bye." "Okay, you did the right thing." "I'm gonna go barf now." "All right." "Go with God." "Turns out that was a terrible, terrible idea." " You tried something." " Yeah." " It didn't work." " Yeah." " But you tried it." " Yeah." "But even though consequences were dire." "Chelsea." "Hey!" " Have a seat." " Hi." " Can I get you a drink?" " Yeah, anything." " Just, um, get me a big one." " Okay, I got it." "Hey." "Where's John?" "Who cares?" "I'm sorry about hijacking your mom." "I just didn't have anybody there tonight." "We're good." "And, um, not tonight, because we're drinking to forget about tonight, but maybe... can we get together and talk about our... two-timing alien?" " Sure." " Hey!" "What the hell are you guys supposed to be?" "We're an AA group, we're just super, super bad at it." " Shots!" " Shots!" "Ozzie Graham." "Ozzie Graham." "Lower your voice." "Hey, Sam, what's up?" "You got some information on Jonathan Walsh." "Hold on." "Let me grab a pen." "God." "It's happening." "Don?" "Don!"