"And he's tearing up the board, folks." "This man cannot be stopped." "All right, give me your best shot here, Carol." "I feel hot." "I feel ready." "Okay." "What 1957 Roger Corman film... starred Pamela Duncan and Richard Garland?" "What, are they serious?" "Attack of the Crab Monsters." "Come on, give me a hard question, Carol." "I don't believe it." "Oh, wow, Carol, remember this song?" "Yeah." "Mom and Dad used to play this to us all the time when we were little." "Yeah, remember what we used to do?" "I hope this isn't hereditary." "Hey, guys, report cards came." " Oh, yeah?" "Our report cards came?" " Yeah." "This is yours." "Maggie, we have a child who actually likes getting report cards." "Where did we go wrong?" "I don't know why I'm so nervous." "I mean, I already know what I got." "Yep." "A, A, A, A, A, A!" " That's great, sweetie." "Mike..." " Good for you." "C, C, C, C..." "D, B." "Well, he did get one B." " Phys Ed.?" " You got it." " What drives me crazy is that..." " I know, he's not dumb." "In first and second grade, he got Bs and B-pluses." "Well, that was before Carol came along and started getting all As." " The nerve." " Yeah." "Well, at least he had two great years." "That's better than that poor guy a couple of popes ago." "Jason." "Maggie, maybe we're being a little too hard on him, you know?" "Not all kids have to get As." "But for the last couple of years it's been getting worse." "Well, that's what puberty's for." "You take a difficult situation and you make it impossible." " Where you been, Mike?" " Oh, I thought I'd go look for Duke." " Mike, Duke ran away six months ago." " So?" "And he wasn't our dog." "What does that really mean, Dad?" ""Our dog."" "I mean, can one person ever really own another living thing?" " Maybe I should go look upstairs." " Hey, I got a great idea." "Why don't we all take a look at what's in this envelope?" "Oh, okay." ""If your name is Mike Seaver, you may have already won $2 million."" "Hey, look, Mom, before you get too upset... you should know that some of these grades might be wrong." "What scares us is some of them might be right." "Hey, I got a C average." "That's not bad, it's average." "Is that what you want to be, Mike?" "Average?" "Well, it's a high C, so actually it's a little above average." " Don't they have C-pluses for that?" " Well, it's not that high." "You can do better than this, can't you?" "It's not my fault, Mom, I just..." "I have a personality conflict with my teacher." "Mike, you have about the same grades... in six different subjects with six different teachers." "I know." "The profession just seems to attract people who are difficult to get along with." "Mike, how many times do we have to go through this?" "I mean, you're just going to have to work a little harder." "I am working hard." "Then why is it every time I go up to your room... when you're supposed to be studying... you're either napping or throwing darts?" "That's how I unwind." "Mike." "Look, Mike, are you saying that you're trying as hard as you can?" "Yeah." "So these Cs are honestly the best you can do?" "No, I can get better than Cs, Dad." "Well, Mike, what about this D in geometry?" "I don't know." "Are the classes too hard for you?" "I mean, would you rather be in a math section that's a little less demanding?" "Dad, I can do it." "Look, I'm passing, aren't I?" "Like, you don't have to go putting me in with the rejects." "Hey, Mike, want to finish our game?" "No, I wouldn't want to keep you from admiring your As." " Please, go ahead." "Don't let me stop you." " Come on, Mike." "Oh, don't be modest, Carol." "Come on, let's share this special moment." "Oh, I'm so proud of you, Carol." "Algebra:" "A!" "Social Studies:" "A!" " Advanced Nerdiness:" "A+!" " I'm not a nerd." "Hey, Carol, there's nothing wrong with being a nerd." "I mean, without nerds, who would buy all the back-to-school supplies?" "Who would date the guys on the math team?" "And who would raise their hand in class and go, "Ooh, ooh"?" "Well, you're just jealous because you never get good grades." "Look, if I studied, I could probably get all As." "You couldn't get an A in Lunch as a Second Language." "Oh, that's funny, Carol." "Have you ever considered being a standup?" "Maybe you could do, like, chemistry comedy and stuff." "You are such a jerk." "I mean, if you could get such good grades, then why don't you study?" "Because I have better things to do." "Like what?" "Like getting Lloyd Kreeger to laugh milk out of his nose?" "No." "Like hanging out with friends, which certain people don't have." "Yeah, well..." "We'll just see how smart you are on Monday, won't we?" "Why, what's Monday?" "It's the day the whole school takes the Idaho Standardized Test." "So?" "If I study, I'll probably get the highest grade in school." "You can't study for this test, bonebrain." "It's an aptitude test." "I know." "What's an aptitude test?" "It's basically an IQ test." "To see how smart you are." "Or, in your case, how smart you aren't." "All right, now, listen up." "This is the Idaho Standardized Test." "God, I hate these tests." "I hate number two pencils." "I hate this whole experience." "Hey, look, calm down, will you?" "This isn't such a big deal." "Not a big..." "Not a big deal?" "Tell that to the hives that are breaking out on my thighs." "You get hives on your thighs?" " You want to see them?" " No, I believe you." "Oh, my God." "This test doesn't even count on your grades." "I mean, what difference does it make what you get?" "Are you kidding?" "This is an IQ test." "This is 10 times more important than your grades." "Wait." "What are you talking about?" "This test decides once and for all how smart we are." "I mean, after today, our parents will know how stupid we are." "Our brothers and sisters will know how stupid we are." "I can only assume the whole state of Idaho will know how stupid we are." "Our parents get these results?" "I'll never hear the end of it." ""Poor Richie, he's just not as smart as his brother David." ""Our David is pre-law at Princeton this year." ""Oh, hi, Richie, could you take out the garbage, please?" ""We're hoping he can do it professionally someday."" "Look, what do you care about your brother?" "I mean, so he's a nerd." "Every family's got a nerd." "Hey, yeah, that's right." "You got Carol." "She's a genius." "You're gonna look like a tree stump next to her." "No, I'm not." "Because for one thing, I am just as smart as she is." "And for another thing, I happen not to believe in these tests." "I mean, you know what I do?" "I don't even read the questions." "I just fill in these computer dots in a pretty pattern, like this." "All right." "You may begin." "What?" "You're crazy." "What are you doing?" "Oh, it's a self-portrait." "They'll love this in Idaho." "All right, Mr. Ellis... is there anything else you'd like to talk about before we stop for today?" " Nope." "Everything's just great." " Good." "Okay." "Well, I think we're making some real progress here with your problem." "What problem's that?" "Well, Mr. Ellis, we both know, don't we, that you're an habitual liar?" "No, I'm not." " Mr. Ellis..." " Okay, okay." "Don't pressure me like this." "My whole life is going down the drain." "But, now, just a minute ago, you said, "Everything is just great."" "No, I didn't." "Well, then... we certainly do have a lot to talk about next time, Mr. Ellis." "What next time?" "I'm never coming back here again." " Whatever you say." " Fine." " See you next Wednesday?" " Good." "Yeah." "All right, Ben." "Let's do it." " Dad..." " Come on, Ben." "I don't ask you to do too much around here." "When I do, I expect it to get done." " But, Dad..." " Without an argument." "Can't I do it later?" " Ben, you're testing me, now." " All right." "That's more like it." " Ben, you're a born Pip." " What's a Pip?" "A state of mind." "Hello?" "Okay, wait one second." "It's for you." "Don't go away, now." "We're not done." "Hello." "Well, no, my wife is at work." "Yes..." "Yes, of course, if it's important." "All right, I'll see you then." "Hey, Ben, will you turn that off, please?" "Yeah, Maggie?" "Can you meet me down at the high school in about a half an hour?" "Well, it's the school psychologist." "It's about Mike." "Dr. And Mrs. Seaver, we have some concern over..." "Breath mint?" "No." " Over the results of Mike's IQ test." " Why?" "What did he get?" "Now, Maggie, you know, these are highly subjective." "Many diagnosticians, they don't even consider these to mean..." " What did he get?" " He got..." "Well, let me just put this in context for you, Mrs. Seaver." "Now, a score of 100 is about average, 120 is very bright... 140 is considered a genius, 160 is..." " What did Mike get?" " A 27." "What?" "This is ridiculous." "I mean, this is obviously a mistake." "I'm sorry, Mrs. Seaver." "We've checked and double-checked." " Antacid?" " No." "Twenty-seven?" "I'm glad that you're a psychiatrist, Dr. Seaver." "You'll understand what I'm saying here." "Yeah, you're saying my son is an idiot." "No, technically, he's an imbecile." "What?" "Well, 0 to 25 is an idiot." "25 to 50 is an imbecile." "Well, that's certainly a load off my mind." "Let's see, I believe that 60 to 70 is a moron." "No, wait." "What's 50 to 60?" "I don't know." "A bozo?" "No!" "Never mind." "This has nothing to do with Mike." "No." "Because according to this..." "Mike could never even aspire to become a bozo." "Now, Dr. And Mrs. Seaver, the worst thing we can do is to overreact to this." "Has Mike taken a sharp blow to the head recently?" "No." "Suffered any prolonged oxygen deprivation?" "No, Dr. Marlens, our son is not brain-damaged." "Okay." "Just checking." "Now look, Mike's file indicates he's always had a..." "Well, how shall we say, a problem with authority." "For example, it says here that last year... he placed a litter of baby gerbils... into Mrs. O'Brien's Kleenex box... and when she went to blow her nose..." "That old bag must have just..." "Excuse me." "There's so little joy in my job, and he's got a lot of good stuff in here." "Thank you." "Dr. Marlens, what are you getting at?" "You see this?" "This is a normal test answer sheet." "It's a mess." "The little dots are scattered randomly around the page." "You see this?" "This is your son's test answer sheet." "The dots make up little pictures of houses, airplanes." "Look here, there's even one of a young woman's body in profile." "Nice figure." "So, you're saying..." "You're saying that Mike did this intentionally." "Well, either that, Mrs. Seaver, or he's a highly artistic imbecile." "What is it?" "That's pretty." "Nothing." "Well, I heard you got called down to the school psychologist today." "Oh, yeah." "Mom and Dad are down there right now." "They are?" "Why?" "What'd you do?" "Well, I got a 27 on my IQ test." "Mom and Dad really don't care about that sort of thing, so, you know... don't feel bad." "You got a 27?" "Yeah, I did it on purpose, bonehead." " I mean, I didn't even read the questions." " What?" "I mean, I know I'm brilliant, so I figured, why waste my valuable time... on playing fill-in-the-dots?" "Come on, you didn't really do that." "Carol, how should I put this?" "You see before you were born, Mom and Dad came to me and they said:" ""Mike, we hope that our next child isn't some goody-goody nerdface..." ""but that he's a real independent, free-thinker, like you."" "Yeah." "Little did they know, you had peaked intellectually." "Mike?" "They're gonna kill you." "Carol, maybe Mom and Dad have realized how stupid these tests are." "Maybe they're gonna admire me for what I did." "Mike." "Could we speak to you for a moment, please?" "Maybe they're gonna have you killed professionally." "Mike, can you explain to us what this is?" "Oh, okay." "This here is a Boeing 747, and this is a largemouth bass... and this..." "This is a full-body profile of Rhonda Tishkin." "Mike, why did you do this?" "She's got a great body, Mom." "Mike, this isn't a joke." "Come on, why did you do that?" "I don't know." "I just felt like it." "You just felt like it." "Well, gee, I didn't realize how important these tests were to you guys." "Maybe you should have told me that you were only interested... in having kids with high IQ scores." "Mike." "Mike." "Hey, that's okay." "I mean, you guys got one smart kid." "Miss Straight As here can go and become an astronaut... and Mikey can always mix the Tang, no problem." "Why don't we just let him cool off?" " Okay." " Okay?" "What do you want?" "Nothing, really, I mean, I just..." "Then why don't you just get out of here?" "Look, Mike." "You're not really stupid." "Well, thanks, Carol." "I am deeply touched by your superiority." "I hope I don't make you feel stupid, Mike." "You don't make me feel stupid." "Just get out of here, okay?" "Nobody makes me feel stupid, 'cause I'm not stupid." "I just said that." "Well, maybe I was just too stupid to understand." "Mike, come on." "I mean... you're always calling me a nerd and stuff... and I don't know, I guess I was just trying to get you back." "I guess 'cause you're older, and cooler and everything." "And I just figured that..." "I was the only one who was getting hurt." "I mean, I am sort of a nerd... but you're not really stupid." "Oh, so, I guess it's just coincidence that you get all the As and I get all the Cs?" "Look, I don't know why you don't get good grades." "I mean..." "Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact... that you sleep and play darts while doing your homework." "What is it with the darts?" "I mean, am I the only guy around here that knows how to unwind?" "Okay, listen." "What year did Max Weinberg start playing drums for Bruce Springsteen?" "Hey, did we just start a new conversation?" "Come on, what year?" "1973." "So what does that mean?" "Well, aside from being a huge boost in income for Max Weinberg... it means you're pretty smart." "What, 'cause I know one useless fact?" "You know millions of useless facts." "I mean, like the Attack of the Crab People thing." " I mean, I couldn't believe that." " Crab Monsters, Carol." "Attack of the Crab Monsters." "See, I mean, you don't remember things for tests." "You just remember things you want to remember... for some strange reason." "So I have a good memory." "Big deal." "It's more than just that." "I mean..." "Okay." "Remember last year when you borrowed $20 from me on Valentine's Day?" "Yeah." "So?" " And I made you sign an IOU?" " Which I gladly did." "Promising to pay me back on February 29th." "Hey, come 1988, that $20 is yours." "You see, that, that wasn't just intelligent... that was actually very creative." "No, you were just a sucker." "You see, that's my point." "I mean..." "I do dumb things all the time." "And you do smart things when you feel like it." " Well..." " But, hey." "Why do you think Mom's always telling you to shut your smart mouth?" "I mean, it takes brains and hard work to be as obnoxious as you are." "Yeah, I guess it does." "But when you love what you do, it really doesn't seem like work." "I mean, heck, for all we know, you and I might have the same IQ." "Yeah, who knows?" "Mine might even be higher." "Let's not get hysterical, now." " Hey, Carol?" " Yeah?" "Thanks." " You jerk." " Nerd." "I meant that in a nice way." "Oh, good, thank you." "Yes, thank you very much." "All right." "Bye-bye." "Hey, Mike, Dr. Marlens says you can take that Idaho Test over again..." "Saturday morning, 10:00." "Oh, that's great, Dad, but..." "Well, I've been thinking about it and I'm kind of happy with the 27." " Mike." " Yes, Dad." "Okay, 10:00." "English"