"**" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know * * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "( tolling )" "Sally: so why a dating agency?" "because i'm tired of wasting my time on people who aren't desperate." "which, thinking about it, was probably the wrong thing to say on my video message." "okay, girls, scan." "he'll be holding a newspaper." "Sally: but you're not desperate." "Sally, i'm practically in season." "i swear if i walk past a farmyard, every animal would lift its head." "is there a noise coming from your bag?" "it's my phone." "it's on vibrate." "but it's no substitute, is it?" "but you're not desperate desperate like, you know, a man." "last week i went out and bought a puppy." "a puppy can't be a boyfriend substitute forever." "they grow up." "i missed it." "so turn the ringer back on." "i was trying to get ahold of you all afternoon." "oh...so that was you." "hello. this is jane." "thanks for calling." "no, really, thank you so very, very, very much." "what exactly is that?" "pregnant one month, and every mother i know is giving me their old stuff." "that's a breast pump, isn't it?" "a breast what?" "don't be alarmed." "it's just for expressing milk." "no." "is it?" "i so need a boyfriend." "anyway, um, uh, Steve." "there's a guy with flowers." "is that him?" "he definitely said newspaper." "good. i don't like a guy with flowers." "it means he's done something he shouldn't." "the bigger the bouquet, the younger she was." "Sally, look." "by the door." "it's the guardian." "it's gotta be him." "what do you think?" "he's behind a newspaper." "but first impressions." "i think he's shy, and i think there's a rail strike on the 14th." "look, want a quick touch-up?" "oh, good idea." "i prefer it when firemen go on strike." "well, that's the cutest." "you've got a whole protest march full of lovely little firemen, and you can just pick one off." "how romantic." "it's like a buffet..." "or a herd of gazelles." "little fireman-wise, i doubt that comparison's ever come up before." "what's wrong?" "( gasps ) he's my gynecologist!" "oh, my god, are you sure?" "yeah, i just saw his face." "he looked straight at me, and my ankles went together." "patrick:" "Sally." "i can't let him see me again." "can i borrow that mirror?" "oh...patrick." "hi." "hi." "well, it's quite the day for ankles, isn't it?" "oh, god!" "listen, about tonight... ( gasping ) you know what?" "i'm gonna wear that lace-up thing." "isn't it...damaged?" "could be worse." "let's try." "we need to talk." "let me get my drink." "oh, for christ's sake!" "are you all right?" "just discussing future relationship issues." "we never worry about things like that." "i've got a lace-up." "slightly damaged." "( sighs ) Sally... you know how sometimes people have to go away for a while and sometimes they forget to tell other people-- possibly women, possibly women they're involved with-- they're gonna be in portugal for a week until the very last minute?" "no." "okay." "i've got something to tell you... and it's gonna seem very last-minute." "yeah?" "about the upcoming week." "okay." "you're really not paying attention, are you?" "your top button's undone." "i can smell your neck." "Sally." "i'm going away." "away?" "away, yes." "you're going away?" "i appreciate i should've mentioned this earlier... why?" "when are you going?" "well, in four minutes." "four minutes?" "!" "taxi's outside." "four minutes--yeah." "four minutes?" "!" "just wanted to let you know in advance." "four minutes is not in advance!" "four minutes is practically afterwards!" "well, it's on the cusp." "( gasping ) patrick!" "h-how is this possible?" "why am i finding out about this four minutes before it happens?" "i was putting off telling you-- and?" "i succeeded." "right." "well, i have a great deal to say to you, but there are time constraints, so i'll summarize the first ten pages." "okay. good idea." "oh!" "okay, got the gist there." "( sighs ) simple questions first." "where are you going and why?" "portugal. golfing trip." "every year, a few of my friend-- okay. bored now." "i take it you're about to look me in the eye and promise you'll phone." "why?" "i'm not dumping you." "patrick... women don't automatically assume they're being dumped just because a man promises to phone." "that's the beauty of it." "okay." "this is the first problem we've encountered in our relationship, and here's how we're gonna deal with it." "okay." "you're not going." "( chuckling ) i-i'm sorry?" "i'm disallowing it." "you're disallowing it?" "yup, sorry." "it's been disallowed now." "there's nothing i can do." "but--what--i didn't know there'd be disallowing." "it's a relationship." "we have to discuss things now, patrick." "there is a time for just taking off and enjoying yourself, and that time is over." "now we have to have huge, enormous discussions first, with crying." "but i've said i'll go." "patrick, our relationship is at a very critical stage." "we're only three weeks in, and whilst we have been intimate, whilst we have had many enjoyable intimate moments... including my number one favorite." "but not the actual act of...consummation." "it happened once, but you were caught by surprise." "patrick... oh!" "you mean we haven't done the... yes." "the excellent part." "i was holding back." "i thought we might end up sleeping together, and the next day you'd leave the country." "you pretty much missed the window on that one." "so... it's golf... or the excellent part tonight...with me." "( sighs ) but the golf!" "it's...unhh!" "it's a long-standing arrangement." "it's all right for you, you've only just heard about it." "( sighs ) look, i'm really sorry." "patrick." "obviously, i will phone you, and... no, you see, that just sounds like i'm dumping you." "yeah. yeah, it does." "( sighs ) i've gotta go." "fine. whatever." "( man groans ) get the gist that time?" "!" "Sally, i've changed my mind." "sod the golf, i'll go for the sex." "oh, my god!" "what, didn't you like them?" "i'm sorry!" "that's okay." "patrick:" "Sally!" "it's a relationship." "people are bound to get hurt." "Sally, the excellent part. now!" "what changed your mind?" "i don't know." "maybe i just got deep." "( tolling )" "Sally: so why a dating agency?" "because i'm tired of wasting my time on people who aren't desperate, which, thinking about it, was probably the wrong thing to say on my video message." "okay, girls, scan." "he'll be holding a newspaper." "jeff, calm down." "jeff, just listen, okay?" "three things." "one, you should not be using your mobile phone on a plane." "two, the name of the island is pronounced les-boss." "yeah, well, that was fairly optimistic of you, wasn't it?" "three, the behavior of breast implants at altitude isn't a subject i can claim great knowledge of." "yeah, no, i'm fairly sure you can't raise it with a complete stranger." "no, whatever danger you think she's in." "no, jeff, not even with the people in shrapnel range." "okay, look, i'm gonna hang up now." "because i don't want to endanger a planeload of innocent passengers by prolonging a conversation about the hazards of breast inflation." "sorry i'm late." "what's that?" "it's, um, a breast pump." "i'm sorry?" "you're not gonna do that nervous swallowing thing, are you?" "or make a face?" "no, no, not at all." "i'm a bit surprised, but hey, great!" "it's gonna come in handy if i'm planning on keeping my job." "and it's got to be safer than implants." "it's for extracting milk." "for the baby." "that you and i are going to have." "oh." "there it goes, the swallowing." "the what?" "the nervous swallowing." "the glugging!" "every time we discuss this baby." "it's like there's a blocked sink if i mention any part of the actual physical process." "not true!" "like when i said "pelvic floor"." "i was fine with that!" "i was fine with the floor." "i got us some drinks." "they're over there." "vaginal discharge!" "glug glug glug and down the plughole." "hello." "is that yours?" "uh, yes." "yes, it is." "is it specially adapted for really tiny puppies?" "piss off!" "what is suddenly the big deal about the size of my breasts?" "( groans ) where did this come from?" "your breasts are no big deal." "no, i-i mean-- well, you know what they say-- size is not important." "isn't that what i say?" "over and over again practically every night?" "actually, you've never said that." "not out loud." "now you're just being cruel!" "you can't say that to a man!" "oh, but i have to be strategically inflated?" "but a man's equipment... i mean, it's like-- it's like a buffet or a herd of gazelles." "little fireman-wise, i don't think that comparison's ever come up before." "you know what i don't get?" "what?" "i'm the one who gives birth." "you get that, right?" "yes." "so why are you the one who's afraid?" "well, it's all right for you when you get to stay at the top end, when you don't see the actual...emission." "emission?" "yes!" "actually, speaking of that stuff-- what stuff?" "afterwards." "yeah." "a-after you've... emitted?" "emitted, yes." "how does it affect...things?" "Susan, can i borrow a mirror?" "why?" "i need to check something." "i think my gynecologist's done something extremely naughty." "do you want to elaborate on that?" "he's here!" "he's my date!" "oh!" "oh, i see." "Susan, if i need a rescue, can i signal?" "sure." "uh...you were saying?" "i'm sorry?" "i believe i just emitted." "yeah, well, uh, after that, after the... wh--how long, as it were, before everything's... back?" "back?" "to-- to what?" "gether?" "oh, for christ's sake!" "are you all right?" "just discussing future relationship issues." "we never worry about things like that." "i've got a lace-up." "slightly damaged." "what i'm saying is after the john hurt part... no, no, no." "Steve!" "can we just clear this up once and for all?" "alien is not really about parenthood." "well... just this once, could we manage to discuss childbirth without involving john hurt?" "Susan!" "no man can do that!" "okay." "i mean, imagine what it's like for john hurt." "oh, please, can we not?" "!" "if he was visiting a maternity ward, all the guys in obstetrics would be crowding around, going "hey, it's da man."" ""john, you're the guy that got me into this racket."" "anyway, after the john hurt part... well...you remember those photographs." "i remember those photographs of childbirth, the miracle of life." "yeah, for you "the miracle of life."" "for me and every other man in the world, horror porn!" "oh, god!" "i have seen a lot of photographs of naked women in my time, and there are some places you don't expect to see a face." "so is that the problem?" "what problem?" "i used to be your sexy girlfriend, now i'm john hurt." "Susan, i am gonna need help." "how's the gynecologist?" "he's fine, he's lovely, but this date isn't gonna work out." "is the job a problem?" "of course it's a problem!" "well, rescue me, Susan!" "okay. what do you want me to do?" "just get me out of it so it doesn't seem like my fault, but also it doesn't seem like his fault." "it could be Steve's fault." "he's good for that." "hi." "Steve, Susan, this is oliver." "i'm just gonna freshen up." "sorry about earlier." "it was a misunderstanding, obviously." "yes. yes, obviously." "so, sorry to bring this up, but i'm surprised you think it's acceptable to be on a date with jane." "so jane must've mentioned what i do for a living." "yes, yes, she did." "i mean, it must be a bit weird being on a date with her." "a bit like reading a book when you've peeked at the end." "Steve!" "sorry." "okay, oliver, here's a question for you." "kind of in your area." "what does john hurt mean to you?" "oh, for god's sake!" "john hurt?" "professionally, i mean." "i'm thinking specifically of, you know... the john hurt moment." "oh, you mean-- oh, yeah." "( both screeching ) well, it's seminal, isn't it?" "i mean, john hurt, he's da man!" "exactly!" "that moment in alien, that's what got me into this business in the first place." "really." "so why are you asking about john hurt?" "maybe i should explain." "i'm in the john hurt way at the moment." "( screeches ) r-right." "she means she's incubating an alien life form and one day it's gonna climb out and destroy our world." "i think he's mostly worried about the damage." "maybe i should come and see you." "uh, sure. anytime." "as long as you don't have those stirrups." "exposing myself is bad enough, i don't need the draft." "okay. ready." "right, yeah." "yeah. ready!" "anytime." "bye-bye." "i'm quite excited about that little alien who's about to take over our world." "hey, so am i." "i don't think you're excited about me anymore." "time was i could've fixed that with one decent snog." "think those days are gone?" "of course i don't." "don't you?" "( cell phone rings ) hello?" "( sighs ) jeff." "no, this is not a good moment." "look, there is no such thing as critical breast mass." "no, this is not the right moment, okay?" "stuff is going on." "big stuff, important stuff." "( punching sound) Sally: it's a relationship." "people are bound to get hurt!" "( tolling ) so why a dating agency?" "because i'm tired of wasting my time on people who aren't desperate." "( thinking ) god, all i wanted to say was if it's at all possible, if it doesn't interfere in the grand scheme of the universe, could i have sex with a lady tonight?" "she doesn't have to be gorgeous, as long as she's, you know, feasible." "with detectable ankles." "i don't like those straight up and down ankles that have a hint of furniture." "( phone ringing ) oh, please make it one of those ones." "jane's voicemail: hello, and thanks for calling." "no, really, thank you so very, very, very much." "here's someone else who wants to say hello." "( dog yelping )" "that was my brand new tiny little puppy Steve." "okay, leave a message." "( beep ) oh!" "sorry." "shit." "sorry." "b-bit of visual confusion there." "this is oliver morris." "i believe we're meeting for a date thing this evening." "but obviously, you won't get this message till you get home after the date thing, so i'm probably there with you anyway." "no!" "sorry!" "christ!" "my god, listen to me." "as if!" "oliver morris--woman killer." "lady killer." "not any kind of a killer." "i'm against killing expect, you know, self defense." "and wasps." "i'm against wasps!" "kill wasps, not women, for goodness' sake." "anyway, thanks for listening." "( thinking ) wow, she's gorgeous, though." "different color hair from the video." "okay. all she can say is no." "what's a no?" "it's like an honorable discharge." "i can take an honorable discharge." "i can take a dishonorable discharge." "vaginal discharge!" "glug glug glug, and down the plughole." "hello." "is that yours?" "yes, uh, yes." "is it specially adapted for really tiny puppies?" "piss off!" "( oliver thinking ) all women do not hate me." "all women do not hate me." "all women do not hate me." "mate, could you do me a favor?" "when i give you the signal, could you come over and give this bunch of flowers to that girl over there?" "well-- thanks." "( laughs loudly ) god, this place, eh?" "bloody hell." "what about it?" "still here." "what?" "it's still here." "what do you mean?" "well, it used to be here, and-and it still is." "okay." "maybe i'll catch you guys later." "absolutely definitely not." "okay." "oh!" "sorry." "um, excuse me?" "yes?" "it's you, isn't it?" "from the video message." "oh!" "oh!" "are you...?" "oliver morris." "what's-his-name!" "yeah." "oh, i thought you were someone else." "jane: oh." "he doesn't recognize me." "listen, i'm gonna have to break eye contact with that man, or i'm gonna find myself in the middle of a slightly unfortunate mime." "shall we sit down?" "sure. yeah." "so, anyway, i thought your video message was really great, by the way." "well, thank you, oliver." "you know, for a minute there, i thought i was having a date with my gynecologist." "christ, i'm sorry." "it's just such a short skirt." "so, tell me, oliver, what do you do when you're not... looking up people's skirts?" "out having fun?" "well, i run a sort of specialist bookshop." ""hellmouths"?" "yeah, we cover fantasy, science fiction, horror, you know the kind of thing." "a lot of film and television tie-in material." "really, anything that's considered an alternative to... girlfriends." "the mainstream." "well, anyway, at least you're not a gynecologist." "well, i tried to get into gynecology, but i never got the breaks." "oh. did you?" "no, i just mean it's always been an interest of mine, obviously." "what do you mean, interest?" "do you study it?" "well, in a sense, but it's strictly, you know, night school." "listen, maybe i can help you." "come and meet dr. reynolds." "no, no, i'm just-- he's my gynecologist." "contacts are everything." "dr. reynolds." "dr. reynolds, it's me." "jane." "crazy wacky jane." "i'm sorry, are you one of my patients?" "you see?" "now you remember." "i'm sorry, i'm very bad at recognizing people out of context." "you must be very good on faces." "well, you tell me." "( snorts ) anyway, this is oliver." "he's training to be a gynecologist." "he's taking evening classes." "aren't you, oliver?" "evening classes?" "i thought maybe you could give him some advice." "excuse me, boys." "i'm sorry." "evening classes?" "well, it's not so much an evening class, more of a weekly slide show." "slide show." "you know what?" "i'll see you around." "hi." "Steve, Susan, this is oliver." "i'm just gonna freshen up." "sorry about earlier." "misunderstanding, obviously." "yes, obviously." "sorry to bring this up, but i'm surprised you think it's acceptable to be out on a date with jane." "so jane must've mentioned what i do for a living." "yes, yes, she did." "here's a question for you." "it's kind of in your area." "what does john hurt mean to you?" "oh, you mean-- oh, yeah." "( both screeching ) well, it's seminal, isn't it?" "john hurt, he's the man!" "exactly!" "that moment in alien, that's what got me into this business in the first place." "really." "so why are you asking about john hurt?" "maybe i should explain." "i'm in the john hurt way at the moment." "( screeches ) right." "she means she's incubating an alien life form and one day it's gonna climb out and destroy our world." "i think he's mostly worried about the damage." "maybe i should come and see you." "uh, sure." "anytime." "as long as you don't have those stirrups." "exposing myself is bad enough, i don't need the draft." "jane: okay, ready." "right, yeah." "ready!" "anytime." "bye-bye!" "are your friends okay?" "they seem a little stressed." "you see, Susan's got a little visitor living in her tummy." "and she's okay with that?" "it's what all women want, really, isn't it?" "i've got a puppy!" "excuse me, oliver." "Susan." "is there a problem?" "didn't you say "rescue me"?" "easy come, easy go." "oh, what the hell." "how much worse can this get?" "( punching sound ) it's a relationship." "people are bound to get hurt." "Sally, the excellent part." "now!" "what changed your mind?" "i don't know." "maybe i just got deep." "( sighs ) consider yourself rescued." "are you all right?" "fine." "it's just my ankles." "so, can i go back to being the sexy one now?" "john hurt has left the building." "good." "i told you i could solve everything with just one snog." "jeff:" "Steve?" "Steve?" "oh, jeffrey." "did you ever pick the wrong week to leave." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started * * and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * * broken-hearted * * so if you really love me *" "* say yes * * and please don't tell me * * perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *"