"[Tv] miss tasmania, your question is " "What do you say to people who claim" "You're just a beautiful face  body, without a brain ?" "[Contestant] uh, thank you." "What are you watching ?" "I think it's a united nations meeting." "That's not the united nations." "It's a beauty pageant." "Are you sure ?" "They just asked the ambassador from spain" "What she would do for world peace." "She's not the ambassador." "She's a contestant." "Oh." "That explains why the swedish ambassador was juggling." "**" "On melmac, the judges wore swimsuits," "While the contestants sat in the audience." "Why were the judges in swimsuits," "And not the contestants ?" "The judges had better bodies." "Hey, kate." "I'd like to see you do that." "Plate spinning was never my sport." "Hi, sweetheart." "You're home early." "Where's rick ?" "Yeah, where's that jerk with the earring." "He's still at the dance." "Is something wrong ?" "No, nothing is wrong." "Lynn, what's the matter ?" "Alf, will you turn that thing off ?" "But it's the losers' production number." "Alf, can't you see that lynn is upset ?" "Oh, sorry." "[Click]" "Lynn, what happened ?" "Rick and i were having a good time at the dance." "Rick asked me if he could dance with cindy bennet." "I said, "i suppose."" "So he danced with her the whole night !" "Is cindy bennet that blonde cheerleader in your yearbook ?" "Yes." "Wow !" "I mean she's not as pretty as you." "Rick's a jerk for doing that." "Cindy's gorgeous." "Any guy would want her instead of me." "That's not true." "Honey, i know you're upset," "But these things happen all the time." "Great, you've given me a lot to look forward to." "That's not what i meant." "Let me tell you a story that might make you feel better." "I was at this high school dance." "This really cute guy started talking to me." "We spent a wonderful evening together," "Until i learned he had left his date to be with me." "And ..." "Even though i kept dating him," "I always felt that what he did was wrong." "Thanks, mom." "I feel much better now." "Sorry." "What happened to the girl who got dumped." "It's not important." "Not to you." "You got your guy." "I think what your mother is trying to say," "In her own special way," "Is that you're too good for rick." "I didn't get that at all." "It sounds like she's being punished for something kate did." "Don't you have a pageant to watch ?" "I'm trying to help lynn." "Well, you're not." "Watch your tv show." "Fine !" "If you need me, lynn, i'm here for you." "Mom," "Do you think i'm pretty ?" "Well, of course you are." "You are a beautiful young girl." "You have to say that." "You're my mother." "Dad, if you were my age, would you ask me out ?" "If i were your age," "And you weren't my daughter," "And if i weren't married ..." "See, dad won't even ask me out." "Willie ..." "Of course i would." "You're a wonderful girl." "You've got a great personality." "Thanks, dad." "That's the kiss of death." "Lynn." "I suppose you're gonna blame me for this." "No, this isn't your fault." "I know !" "I just wanted to hear you say it." "Watch your pageant." "Hey look !" "There's john candy." "No, wait, that's miss bulgaria." "What will you give me for a mickey mackerel card ?" "What are you guys doing ?" "Trading bouillabaisse-Ball cards." "What's bouillabaisse-Ball ?" "It's melmac baseball." "Instead of a ball, they throw fish guts." "Fish parts." "The guts are sold at the concession stand." "Sorry i asked." "Did these come with bubble gum, too ?" "Yeah, two flavors -- Tabby and persian." "[ Telephone rings]" "Hello." "Yes ?" "The miss southland pageant ?" "You must have the wrong number." "No, that's for me." "You'll have to excuse aunt sophie." "Sometimes she's here," "And sometimes we don't know where she is." "What's alf doing ?" "I think he's entered a beauty pageant." "Shhhh !" "Yeah, uh huh." "Yeah ?" "Great, no problem." "Thanks, ta ta." "Are you gonna be miss southland?" "No, the contest isn't open to professional models." "I entered lynn." "What ?" "Hold that thought, kate." "You're wearing that ?" "There's a dress code for taking out the garbage ?" "Brian, take it out for her." "Our little beauty shouldn't be seen carrying trash." "She was ugly enough to take it out yesterday." "I'll give you a dollar." "Okay !" "You owe brian a dollar." "Lynn, you should change." "The lady from miss southland will be here any minute." "What ?" "Connect the dots, here." "I entered you in the miss southland pageant." "What !" "Why would you do something like that ?" "Well, isn't it obvious ?" "Tell her why, kate." "Because, he's an idiot !" "Thanks for clearing that up." "I saw how upset you were after the dance." "I figured if you won ..." "Hey, you'd feel better about yourself." "Well, why didn't you ask me first ?" "I was afraid you might say no." "You were right." "See kate, i'm not an idiot !" "I'm not entering the contest, alf." "But, you'll win !" "Alf, i want you to call them right this minute." "Tell them that lynn is withdrawing." "See, even she knows i wouldn't have a chance !" "Oh, real supportive, kate." "Honey, that's not what i meant." "Look, i'm not exactly beauty contest material." "Sure you are !" "Hey, they loved your picture." "What picture ?" "The one from your sweet 16 party." "Oh, alf, i looked terrible !" "I still had my braces." "Don't worry." "I whited them out !" "Oh, great." "Now, before the contest coordinator gets here," "We should go over your application." "What application ?" "The one on the desk." "Why did you say that my talent was clog dancing ?" "Well, it's not singing." "I've heard you do that." "I have never clog danced in my life !" "Oh, it's easy." "What do you do ?" "You just clog up a sink" "And dance around it, right ?" "You don't clog up a sink to clog dance." "Then, what's the dance where you do clog up a sink ?" "There isn't one." "Well, i suggest we call it "the funky alf."" "I'm not sending in that application." "Too late !" "They already have a copy." "Forget the contest, alf !" "Give up the scholarship !" "Scholarship ?" "Give up the car !" "Car ?" "What kind of a car ?" "Well, i'll give you a hint." "It's spelled with az." "I guess it wouldn't hurt to meet this woman." "I think i'll go change." "Just what kind of car is this ?" "Used." "That's spelled with az, isn't it ?" "** [clomp clomp clomp]" "Keep those clogs moving !" "That's it !" "Pretend you're mashing boll weevils." "Were not getting anywhere here." "Sure we are." "Last week, we didn't even know what clog dancing was." "Now, we're both sick of it." "That's it." "I'm taking a rest." "[Music off]" "We only have 6 hours until the pageant." "My feet are killing me." "All right." "We can work on your saccharine smile, instead." "Please, no more smiling." "My face will lock up." "Great !" "You're too serious." "I wanted it to be fun." "You know what's fun ?" "Cramming for the interview segment." "I jotted down a few things that the judges might ask." "Oh no !" "Let's start with the a's." "What do americans and australians have in common ?" "I don't know." "All right." "I'll give you this one." "They both want world peace." "Question #2 " "What do americans and albanians have in common ?" "They both want world peace ?" "Very good." "Question #3 -- What do americans ..." "I don't want to go through a zillion identical questions." "You don't want to do anything, do you ?" "Why do i even try ?" "I go out of my way to help someone." "Do they appreciate it ?" "No, they just complain." "Maybe dear abby was right." "Maybe i do care too much." "All right, what's the next question ?" "Are you sure this time ?" "Yes." "Okay." "What do americans and alpha-Centaurians have in common ?" "They both want world peace." "No!" "Wrong !" "They have world peace." "They want shoes !" "Think before you answer." "Question #4 " "What do americans ... 96 stations, and not 1 is carrying the miss southland pageant." "Well, what do you think ?" "Oh, lynn" "You look" "Stunning !" "Thanks, daddy." "Brian, don't you think your sister looks pretty ?" "If i say yes, do i have to take out the garbage ?" "No." "Then, she's pretty." "Thanks, brian." "Do you think i really have a chance ?" "You'll do great." "What do you think, alf ?" "As grandma shumway told me, "if you don't have anything nice to say," "Don't say anything at all."" "Then she never spoke to me again." "I don't look good ?" "Not as good as usual." "What do you mean ?" "Let's take it from the top." "What happened to your hair ?" "I got a permanent." "It'll look like that forever ?" "No, just 'til it grows out." "That's what they said about this orange dye-Job of mine." "And that dress makes you look 22 years old." "I was hoping for 25." "Why don't you go the distance, and try to look as old as kate." "You're gonna go the distance -- Out the door." "We think she looks nice." "I do too, but she's lost that natural glow." "Now she just looks glamorous." "I'll take that as a complement." "Maybe it's the makeup, but i really think i do have a chance." "I wanted to take a photo," "But now i don't know if lynn's hair will fit in." "Well, let's try." "Good idea." "Come on, brian." "That's my new camera." "Let me show you how it works." "If i can hot wire your car, i can certainly work a camera." "You hot wired my ..." "Stop talking !" "You'll ruin the picture." "Everybody get together." "Ready ?" "1 2" "3 4" "5" "What are you doing ?" "On melmac, we count to 21 before we take a picture." "We'd better 7 get going." "We don't want 8 to be late." "[Alf stillwe'll be back in counting]2 hours." "Good luck." "Thanks, i love you." "16 17" "18 19" "20 21 !" "Perfect." "I wonder where they are ?" "It's been over 2 hours." "Let's play another game." "How about hide  seek ?" "Yeah, why not ?" "Close your eyes and count to 10." "Right." "1 2" "3 4" "5 6,7,8,9,10." "Ok, brian." "Try to find me." "You're supposed to find me." "Well, where are you ?" "Youhaveto  look for me." "Why would i want to do that ?" "Haven't you ever played hide and seek before ?" "Yeah." "There you are." "I win." "We're back." "Where's your crown ?" "The winner has it." "Get it back from her." "Lynn didn't exactly win." "Who beat you ?" "Everybody." "The hair, huh ?" "It wasn't my hair." "Did you know there were 4 other clog dancers there ?" "You did your best." "You should feel good about that." "I know." "I just really thought i had a chance." "The other girls just had more experience than you." "They've probably entered dozens of these contests." "I just feel bad about coming in last." "If something happens to those other 32 girls," "That crown goes to you." "Thanks, dad." "I'll remember that." "I'm gonna go to my room for awhile." "Gee." "Maybe i should go talk to her." "I was the one who entered her into this thing." "The least i can do is to try to get rid of my guilt." "[Doorknob rattles]" "It's locked, alf." "Go away." "How'd you know it was me ?" "Everyone else knocks first." "[Knock on door]" "All right !" "I'm coming, alf." "Now how did you know it was me ?" "Look, i don't think i want to talk right now." "My grandma shumway used to say that" "People should talk about their problems." "She was very wise." "She used to warn people that melmac was going to blow up." "She might have escaped the explosion too," "If we hadn't had her committed." "Do you know, i actually got to the point" "Where i thought i might win." "I must have been nuts." "You would have won, if it weren't for that crazy hairdo." "It wasn't the hair." "The other girls were gorgeous." "You were the prettiest girl there." "How do you know ?" "Because you're the prettiest girl anywhere." "Come on." "I mean it." "I've been everywhere " "From one end of the universe to the other " "Through countless galaxies " "And in all my travels," "I've never seen a more beautiful girl than you." "Thanks, alf." "[Dad clears throat]" "Dad," "Fur ball, willie ?" "Yeah, alf." "That was very nice." "Hey, it's the truth." "I know." "I was coming in to say the same thing." "Dad." "Alf's right, you know." "You should have won." "My clog went flying across the stage." "So what ?" "As long as no one was killed." "I don't know what scoring system the judges used," "But they didn't judge you on any of the important things." "Like what ?" "Like who you really are." "A girl who's warm and caring," "Who we love." "As far as i'm concerned, you won that contest." "I don't think anyone else even came close." "Thanks, daddy." "This is beautiful." "Don't move." "I'll go get the camera." "Alf, it takes you forever to take a picture." "Don't worry." "I'll start counting now." "1,2,3 4,5,6" "Hi, alf." "Hi." "Hey, kate." "Do you think i'm good looking." "Yeah, sure." "If you were my age, would you go out with me ?" "Well, if i were your age;" "and weren't married;" "And if we were the same species " "I guess so." "Where would we go ?" "How about a "rocky" film ?" "No, he hasn't been funny since he broke up with bullwinkle." "What else you got ?" "That was it." "It doesn't sound like you put much thought into this date." "That's because i haven't." "Well, fine !" "Forget the whole thing !" "Fine with me." "Fine." "Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway." "People would have just stared." "Captions performed by captions, inc.Los angeles, ca" "Captions copyrighted by alien productions." "All rights reserved."