"MUSIC:" "Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger" "I'm not sick but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell" "Soph, just heard." "The Shapiro Finance presentation's been cancelled." " Rod's hypoglycaemic again." " Oh, dear." "Poor Rod." "Yeah, terrible." "On the bright side, free hour." "Want to see if Marketing have left any biscuits in Meeting Room B?" "Maybe." "But I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out together." "Oh?" "It's just..." "The thing is..." "Jeff's asked... said, actually..." "He thinks you and I should see less of each other." "He's old-fashioned." "Old-fashioned?" "What's next?" "Put you in a chastity belt and make you... drive around in an old-fashioned car?" "He's going to move in with me for a couple of months, see if it helps." "Moving in won't help." "Give him space." "That might help." "I'm really sorry, Mark." "'I'm staring into the abyss." "I don't like the look of the abyss.'" "He's right here." "It's switchboard." "Urgent call for you." "Thanks." "'Maybe I can fill the abyss with lots of urgent calls.'" " Hello." " When are you getting back from work?" "6.30, like normal." "You said it was urgent, Jeremy." "We're supposed to be flatmates." "Nancy is in the States and Super Hans is on the rig." "I need a friend." "Jez, just relax." "Isn't Ready, Steady, Cook on?" "Just finished." "Green peppers won, as usual." "It's Nuremberg all over again." "There's some chocolate in the fridge under the egg tray." "See you tonight." "'OK, going undercover." "'Jeff's apparent mate, who would never try to nick his bird from under his stupid old-fashioned nose." "'Man chat topics: footballer Darren Anderton." "Figure of ridicule due to repeated injuries." "'Turkish shepherd, ate his own testicles." "NB:" "Ignore tragic earthquake context." "'Ferrari Testarossa, fast car." "Obviously no need to note that." "'Shit, I'm making too many notes!" "Just imbibe the culture." "' Yes, civilisation is definitely doomed.'" "Hey." "What's with all the mags?" "If you can't have sex with a monkey, make friends with the organ grinder." "Right." "You didn't try to have sex with a monkey?" "No." "I'm going to the pub with Jeff." "With Jeff?" "This is a special mission." "Mark, I'm bored, dangerously bored." "I considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did." "You know..." "Jez, don't do that." "I won't be long." "Then we can talk about... stuff." "I don't want to talk." "I want to live." "I want to do things." "What sort of things?" "Fun things, normal things." "Archery, badger-baiting." "Whatever people do." "I'll be as quick as I can." "If you do that thing, don't do it in here - the hook's practically out of the door." "Why the sudden urge to join the pool league?" "I didn't even know you played." "Oh, yeah." "I play, all right." "Misspent youth." "You know the score." "Right." "Plus I thought it would be good to hang out a bit." "You're a bloke, I'm a bloke." "We're both bloody good blokes, unlike that Turkish shepherd who chewed off his own knackers." "Did you see that?" "No, I don't think so." "Bloody shithead." "Yes!" "Mark the shark is in business!" "You're stripes, Mark." "Oh, yes." "Right." "You play that, do you?" "Of course." "So..." "FHM have only gone and done a bloody sex issue." "Did you see that?" "Loads of birds, foil bag, the whole caboodle." "Carmen Electra's in there." "I would seriously love to really, really bang her." "Although, if it was a choice between that or a drive in a Ferrari Testarossa - phew, too close to call." "You've given up trying to hump Soph?" "Pardon?" " I said, you've given up trying to..." " Yes, I heard what you said." "Well, let's be honest." "I suppose the best man won." "Right." "This is fun." "Isn't it?" " Hey, Marky Mark." " Hey, Jez." "Thanks for the call." "This beats being home in the same old trousers." "That's Jeff's." " Jeff's?" " He's in the bog." "It's going a bit terribly." "But it's important I make friends with him." "So I thought you're more of a fun guy than me." "So I'm the fluffer?" "No, it's not like that." "If I don't make friends with Jeff, there's a chance I'll never speak to Sophie properly ever again." "Oh, hi, Jeff." "You remember Jeremy." "Nice to see you, mate." "Fantastic trainers." "Cheers, mate." "I got a pair." "The straps go all the way up, like a Roman sandal." "So, what now?" "A round of sambucas and hit a club, or just head back to ours or Sophie's?" "A mate just called." "He has a poker school." "If you're interested in losing a bit of money, we could go." "'Bonding with Jeff." "I'm almost there, Soph." "Clear the runway." "I'm coming in to land.'" "Mark." "Right." "Sorry. 'I think I've got a pretty good hand." "'But there's always a chance someone else might have a better one." "'There's no way of knowing for sure.'" "I fold." "'This is it." "I have entered the world of men." "'All I need is some beef jerky and somewhere to spit." "'So, what have I got?" "'All the reds." "That looks amazing.'" "I'm hot... like Pol Pot." "Squeeze me." "No." "Too rich for my blood." "I'll stay, friend." "And I'll raise you... 30." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'll stay too... friend." "And when the going gets tough, you need to roll out the big potatoes." "May I?" "Er... maybe." "Let's eat." "I'm out." "Red sky at night, shepherd's delight." "Nice bluffing, lad!" "Yeah. 'Hey, I'm really good at this without realising how." "This is ideal.'" "So we're all gonna be great mates." "We could pile back to yours and Sophie's?" "Bit late for you." "What do you play?" "Seven-card stud?" "Texas Holdem?" "I just play the cards as they're dealt, my friend." "Or stay here and play something else." "Should we go for a drink?" "Yeah." "'It's a relief." "Tell me your dreams, memories and reflections, Jeff." "'What a surprise - you haven't got any because you're a gristle-head." "'Time to cut out the middleman.'" " Hey, Soph." " Oh, hey, Mark." "I was talking to Alan about Rod from Shapiro Finance." "We should do something for him." "Yeah." "Yeah, for diabetes." "Give something back to a top JLB client and give a nasty, unglamorous illness a kick in the pants at the same time." "I said I'd talk to you about a sponsored something." "Sure." "We could, but..." "It is for charity, but I could tell Alan you're not into it." "No." "Sure, we could do a sponsored something." "I could do a sponsored run." "You could do a sponsored history... thing." "Or dig." "Or just reading." "If we do something together, it would capture people's imagination." "Maybe... 'Maximum physical contact." "Potential horseplay.'" "Swimming?" "Mark, I don't think..." "Let's brainstorm later." "Sorry, Soph." "Jeremy, you can't just pop in cos you're bored." "I'll be home in an hour." "Why don't you kill some time at Caesar's World?" "Actually, I've come to see Jeff." "I appreciate what you're doing, but the Jeff project's been abandoned." "No, he asked if I fancied going kickboxing and I thought, why not?" "You're going out with him for fun?" "Yeah." "Jeff's a really good guy." "He doesn't complain that the music's too loud in bars or when it's his round and you ask him for an extra bag of nuts." "He's a real man." "'Sponsored bungee." "'Three days to organise, a lifetime to look back on from our cottage in Dorset.'" "Alan's gonna be so pleased with us." "Feel a bit safer strapped together?" "Yeah." "Sorry about the big panic." "'She bought it. "Ooh, I'm so scared."'" "I feel better doing a tandem jump." "'This is great." "I think I prefer this to sex." "No responsibility." "'I'm strapped on." "If I get a bonk on, I'll say it's a buckle." "'Be too much to think about anyway, 'what with falling towards the ground with only a massive rubber band between me and..." "'What the fuck am I doing?" "!" "'All my normal sensible cowardice has been overridden by stupid love!" "'" " Oh, God." " You all right, Mark?" " Yes." "No, I don't know." " What's the matter?" "I think I'm actually very hungry." "Let's not jump and just have lunch." "I'm genuinely really, really hungry, too hungry to jump!" "Guys, you're on." "Relax." "I'll be with you all the way." "I don't want to go." "I need a sandwich." "Looks like we got ourselves a Humpty." "It's too late to back out." "Stay calm." "Humpty, cling on to your girlfriend." "I'm not his girlfriend." "Stop calling me Humpty!" "Come on, Mark." "No, no!" "No!" "I'm hungry!" " I'm too bloody hungry to jump!" " But we're here now." "I'm starving!" "It's not fair." "You can't make a hungry man jump!" "Do I just undo it?" "No, you do not just undo that!" "Thanks so much." "It all makes a difference." "I don't think we should be doing this." "Why not?" "Who loses?" "It feels dishonest." "Wake up." "You think no-one mimed at Live Aid?" "The ends always justify the means." "Doesn't it prick your conscience?" "It was a long way down." "Most people would be scared to even go up there." "Most people wouldn't volunteer for a charity bungee jump." "There's no need to go sarcastic." "I've got a plan." "Trek the Andes." "I've got a mate and he did it." "Two weeks in Peru and we can stick it to arthritis." "Listen." "I know you're doing this to spend time with me and I appreciate it." "But there's Jeff." "I don't think we should see each other any more." "Sorry, Mark." "'I've entered the abyss." "'I've bought a house in the abyss." "I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.'" "I'm off to five-a-side with Jeff." "Can I take a couple of Garfields as shinpa..." "Jesus Christ!" "Jez, don't worry." "I'm not actually cutting myself." "I just need to convince Sophie I'm desperate and I need some evidence." "That's why you're cutting yourself?" "I'm not actually cutting myself." "It's for evidence." "Blood is coming out of your arm." "For fuck's sake, stop it!" "Self-harm might be appealing." "She'll want to take care of me." "Let me finish the S." "There must be a better way to get to Sophie." "What about a poem?" "Brilliant." "Get a cup, we'll catch the blood, and I'll write her a poem." "'OK, come on." "You can do this." "'Oh, shit." "There he is." "Am I actually gonna do this?" "'I've done self-harm." "Compared to that, this is a walk in the park." "Do it for Sophie.'" "How's it going, Jeff?" "Not bad." "You?" "Not bad." "Hey, look at that." "Mike's arse." "Quite a nice arse he's got on him, wouldn't you say?" " You what?" " I certainly wouldn't mind... giving him one." "Are you trying to tell me you've gone gay?" "There's no need to spread it around." "But yes, those are the facts." "Sexuality is a broad spectrum and..." "And you've moved into the gay bit." "That's right." "I have gone somewhat, in fact almost entirely, gay." "So..." "Colin from Human Resources - would you... would you suck him off?" "Yeah, well, now I've gone gay, would it be all right if I came over to see Sophie now and again?" "I don't know." "Ask her." "I'm not a prison warder." "What?" "But she said..." "She said you'd said..." "It's fine by me." "That's great, Jeff." "Thanks a lot." "No worries." "Gay or not, there's no threat from you, pal." "You could have your cock in her and still not have the balls to fuck." "See you later." "Thanks." "See you later, Jeff." "'I'm experiencing humiliation." "'Blood boiling, anger rising up, ready to explode..." "'Then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self-loathing." "'Mmm." "Warm copies make everything better.'" "You sure this is OK?" "It's fine." "All right, Jez." "Hi." "Thought I'd pop over, since that's cool." "Mark." "Soph, let's cook for these guys while they're in the pub." "I've got wine." "I don't know." "You were moaning about getting left on your own again." "Right." "Well, you should come in." "It's Ernest and Julio." "Fictional, obviously, but it gives a nice image." "So basically, man is programmed to do two things - kill and knob." "In the Stone Age, you'd get up, kill an antelope..." "And knob the corpse." "No, Jez." "Aye-aye." "A couple of high-street honeys at three o'clock." "'God, this is so butch!" "If I was with Mark we'd just be sitting in the corner rating the alcopops.'" "Right." "Mine's the blonde." "What, really?" "What about Nancy?" "Or Sophie?" "Jez!" "We're not gonna do anything." "We're just going over." " How long is Das Boot, exactly?" " Four and half solid entertainment hours." "Soph, I was talking to Jeff the other day and it seems he doesn't mind me being round here at all." "I don't want to go into that now." "Right." "It's just, you said..." "Yeah." "I thought it would be simpler for us to keep a distance." "Right." "Because of... feelings." "No, not because of feelings." "Just simplicity." "Right." "'Ha, got my emotional meathook in." "Now time to waggle it around.'" "I suppose I was kind of surprised Jeff was cool about me coming over." "I mean, you and I have a bit of history." "Yeah." "Well, history's history." "But new volumes keep being published." "'That's not a saucy metaphor.'" "I mean, I might try some of my moves." "Yeah, right" "'My moves are nothing, are they?" "'" "You ought to be careful wearing tops like that." "I am a man, after all." " Oh, are they in a submarine?" " Yes, they're in a submarine." "All right?" "Sorry I'm a bit late." "Hi, Jeff." "Come on, gorgeous." "Let's get you to bed." "Jeff, we're watching a film." "Stupid video or comfy warm bed?" "It's nearly finished anyway, right?" "No, not really." "It's been pretty good." "Good night." "Thanks for keeping her warm for us, mate." "Sure." "No problem." "You can..." "let yourself out, yeah?" "'You're a bottler, Corrigan." "You couldn't bungee, you wouldn't lunge." "'Maybe I'm too nice." "I should have tried, "Hey, baby, suck this."" "'No, it's not my style." "Got to stick to my own methods, my homespun charm." "'Also, I'd never be able to carry it off.'" "Psst!" "Mark!" "Jeff." "Got a mission for you." "Need a few rubber johnnies and I'm not dressed." "You want me to..." "No, I don't think so, Jeff." "Do you have a problem with that?" "Why would I have a problem?" "I'm just a mate round seeing a couple of mates." "'This is it." "This is my lowest ever." "'Wish I'd told him to fuck off except then I'd never be allowed back." "'Fetherlite." "Don't want him to enjoy it any more than necessary." "'Ultra Strong." "Yeah, he won't feel a thing." "But then maybe he'll last longer." "'Oh, Jesus." "This is a minefield." "Serve him right if I prick them all with pins and then..." "'Sophie got pregnant and he ended up..." "getting married?" "Got to think through these plans." "'I'll go for these." "Coloured." "It'll make him look faintly ridiculous." "'I win... in the most minor way possible.'" "I was gonna twat this geezer and it turns out they're both Polish." ""Twat a geezer"?" "Were you playing the Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels video game?" "It was brilliant." "And then..." "I can't really tell you." "Did Jeff fart in a pint?" "No, much better than that." "But I can't tell you." "Go on." "You can tell me." "No, I can't." "I really can't." "All right." "If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone." "On your mum's life." "I promise on my mum's life." "OK." "Basically, Jeff... he... not really, but a bit... got off with this girl." "He..." "Oh, my God!" "I've hit the mother lode!" "I've been waiting for this!" "I can really fuck him with this!" "No." "I only told you for a laugh." "It's all a great big laugh." "You promised not to tell." "Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia." "Welcome to the real world." "What about your mum's life?" "What about it?" "What are you gonna do, kill her?" "Please don't." "Jeff's my mate." "We've got a bond." "Right." "Who's your real best mate, me or Jeff?" "You don't have to ask that, Mark." "That's obvious." "'Didn't actually have to say." "Don't even have to decide in my own head." "'No, I don't think I'm going to." "My brain can't make me." "So there.'" "'Brilliant." "This is brilliant." "Oh, life is sweet!" "'" " Hi, there, Soph." " Hey, Mark." "Soph, listen." "I've been turning this over and over in my head like a bloody horrible pancake." " I just don't know what to do." " What about?" "There's something I need to tell you, something I think I should tell you." "But it's just so damn hard." "Don't say anything you'll regret." "I'm with Jeff now." "That's the thing." "That's what this horrible decision relates to, something that Jeff's done that I'm not sure if I should tell you." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, no, now I've said too much." "Damn." "Damn these lips of mine." "Stop being weird and tell me what Jeff's done." "It's not for me to tell tales on a mate." "But just ask him, all right, what happened in the pub by the fruit machine with a woman... and the lips." "I can't say anything else." "I won't." "'I hope I wasn't too subtle." "That definitely wasn't too subtle.'" "Has Jeff said anything about..." "I don't wish to converse with you." "You're a promise-breaker and a tom-tailed tit." " Sophie!" " Hi, Mark." "Can I come in?" "Of course." "Soph, are you OK?" "Yeah, fine..." "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!" "There, there, Soph." "It's fine." "It's OK." "Come through." "Come through with good old Mark." "'Her breast is just brushing my side there.'" "I shouldn't be here." "I don't know what I'm doing." "It's OK." "I'll make us a nice cup of tea." "It's my fault for always picking wankers!" "Does..." "Does he beat you, Soph?" "God, no." "He broke a plate once but..." "Does he come at you with a stick?" "No, never." "It's nothing like that." "He does beat you mentally." "And with his hands and fists." "No." " Hey, Soph." "You OK?" " Yeah, just getting my head together." "God, your head - is it OK?" "Oh, hi, Jeff." "You're downstairs?" "Do I know where Soph is?" "Uh..." "No." "No, mate." "No idea." "Right." "OK." "Sorry about that, mate." "Bye." "What..." "Why did you cough?" "Because I've got a cough." "No, you haven't." "Yeah, I have." "I'm phlegmy." "Bollocks!" "You gave him a signal!" "Jesus!" "Can't I have a cough without being taken to Guantanamo Bay?" "Well, actually, I'm trying to have a conversation." "It's all right, Mark." "Sounds like your relationship was a prison with one innocent prisoner, you, and one guard, Jeff." "Well, it was a passionate relationship." "That must be horrible." "That's Jeff." "How coincidental, Jeremy!" "How very coincidental!" "This could be a coincidence." "Easily." "Hello?" "You're not wanted here, Jeff!" "Get away from here." " Shouldn't we just?" "Him and Sophie..." " I need to see Soph!" "Get away from the door or I will give you the broom!" "Mark, I need to see Sophie." "I'm gonna give you the broom, Jeff!" "I'm gonna broom you!" "Don't worry, Soph." "I'm giving him the broom." "You can't broom him." "He's my mate." "He's a solid gold mate." "How did Soph find out about that girl in the pub, Jez?" "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." "Just let me in, mate." "Please, Jez." "I need to see Soph." "We hate you!" "You're a cocksucker!" "Jez told me about your fling." "Your friendship's bullshit and you're a fuckhead!" "It isn't bullshit!" "Let him in!" "Let me in, Jez, please!" "'Mark or Jeff?" "Jeff's normal." "'I could make a new life." "I could learn to like football and learn his ways." "'I'd be in the mainstream instead of being a freak in our weird puddle.'" "Oh, fuck." "I can't do it, Jeff." "I can't do it." "Ha-ha!" "You lose, Jeff!" "You losel" "How dangerous am I now, eh?" "!" "Let him in, Mark." "Sophie, you don't need to do this." "There are places you can go." "Women's refuges." "Just open the door." "We need to talk." "Jeff, I'm really sorry." "I didn't mean..." "Brilliant." "My mate and your woman have just gone to fuck each other." "What are we gonna do?" "Go make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea?" "Is that what you want?" "Cos that's what's gonna happen." "Paranoia, paranoia" "Everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes."