"Hi You hungry?" "It's a little too early to see that." "No, come on in." "Do you have to desecrate the poor creature." "This is creative gastronomy." "The Industrial Revolution of eating." "A life-affirming carousel of meat." "Whatever." "I need coffee." "Hunting for more kitchen equipment?" "It's the best way to shop." " Plans for the day?" " I was going to work on my website,   but Leon's under the weather." "So another day stuck at home." "Home is where the heart is." "And where it's incredibly boring." "It isn't boring." "It's just small." "I clean clothes, clean house, play with Leon, cook..." "I'm not going to complain." "But I might start drinking." "Let me know if you need any help." "And no hiding bottles in the toilet tank." " What is that?" " That is a pig." " An adopted pig." " Have you adopted a pig?" "It's like those child-sponsorship programs." "You pay a monthly fee, and the farmer takes care of the pig." "You can even help determine its diet." "You get a picture for Easter and Christmas, and then you eat it." " What the...!" " Christ!" " I think I'll head to work." " Do that." "Help yourself to the rest of the bacon." "The nicest gift I could give her was to blame me for everything." "Let your stomach do all the work." "Swing it!" "Come on!" "Nine." "Look at Tina!" "Eight." "You can do this too!" "Smile!" "Come on!" "Four!" "Shit!" "Little fishie..." "Isak?" "Is that your horse and buggy outside?" "It's my new cab." "The tourists love it." " Environmentally friendly, too." " Horse and buggy..." "I know I'll regret asking, but why?" " The only mode of transport allowed." " For...?" " For God's chosen people." "The Amish." " So Islam is out?" "To many clothes!" "I was talking to my wife, but it was a tent!" "This is Gretchen, by the way." "Nice to meet you." "She only speaks German." "She's from Ireland." "You'll have to learn 18th century Swiss-German-English." "Wear wool cloth, raise barns, scythe grass,   be humble and avoid any post-Napoleonic technology." "Exactly!" "This is a religion based on love, hay and family." "The more kids, the merrier." "It's all about having sex, sex, sex." "Too bad my testicles have been destroyed by my coffee addiction!" "My sperm is like the fish outside Fukushima." "She's just thrilled I'm not her cousin." "And she loves coffee." "She grinds the beans on a stone slab." "Smashes them, stone against stone!" "These women's hands are full of callouses,   like crab shells!" "They scrub floors all day." "Give them a vacuum cleaner, and you're a hero!" "Right." "And how can I contribute to this madness,   besides serving more espresso?" "I simply need to be a little proactive this time." "Every time I've been here, my life has changed course." "From coffee whores to jihad." " So what do you think about this?" " No!" "Never mind that." "My secretary is writing a war epic." "As Mark Twin said:" "Man is the only animal   willing to kill his neighbor if he belies in the wrong god." "Being Amish, at least you won't kill anyone." "At worst, you'll sit on a hay bale and sulk." "You're the first person in history   who has become more normal by becoming Amish." "Right." " Help yourself." " Thank you." "All that coffee grinding gives her callouses." "She doesn't know if she's holding my dick or a piece of wood." "Your horse awaits." "Thank you." "OK..." "What was that?" "Nothing." "I figured you wanted to get rid of him." "Thank you." "All else well?" "Excellent." "The firing squad took care of him." "I'm back in control." "You do know the difference between fact and fiction, right?" "Sure." "No problem." "I'm heading to Ernst's." "Another surreal borderland." "Do that." "Let's see..." "Hang on." "The modem cable is tangled around my ankle." " Hi." " Hi." "Leon just puked, so I may have to run, but..." "How are you?" " I've been packing like mad." " That guy of yours can't help you?" "No." "It's easier alone." "His arms are so short, he's totally useless." "He's better endowed elsewhere." " So you're coming home?" " I wanted to surprise you." " Well, it is." " So how are things at "Chateau Solitaire"?" " You still there?" " Yes." "I'm glad you're coming home." "Why?" "I have become everything I didn't want to become." "I'm angry." "I get irritated over petty things." "I feel neglected, taken for granted." "And I have not life for my own." " You're a mother in a relationship." " It isn't supposed to be like this." "Where's the fun?" "Dag tries, but he isn't happy either." "But you have security." "Intimacy when you want it." "Someone to share your concerns with." " Something called family." " Maybe so." "I'm not so good at that either." "I've lived alone since I was 16." "And didn't love my mother until she died." "Sometime when I see Dag with Leon, I just want to cry." "But his eating bacon can irritate me." " And now he's adopted a pig." " Another one?" "Another one?" "Check the album over the fridge." "Wait!" "Bring me." "I want to see this." " This is insane!" " Isn't it kind of cute?" " Cute?" "i" " Yes." "I'm dating the weirdest man in the world!" "All men are weird, just in different ways." " Having fun?" " No, no, no." "It's just that I identify with you." "I keep forgetting this is new to you." "The steep learning curve of the couples' therapist." "You aren't used to the process you have to go through." "Which is?" "Change." "That's what all women want." "As soon as she gets the man she wants, she starts changing him." "Any relationship between man and woman   consists of the man resisting   and the woman constantly shaping who he is." "And so it will go on." "Until your personality   has been ground to sawdust." "Until it drifts out so sea with all the other   emotional driftwood bobbing around out there." "Or else the relationship will end." "But then they just find a new piece of wood to work on." "Until there's nothing but sawdust." "That's what they're programmed to do." "Your job is to resist to the best of your ability." "I know you like to exaggerate,   but not all women are like that." "Eva is incredibly tolerant and non-judgmental." "It's a genetically defined game, Dag." "Change for the sake of change." "Have a child?" "She'll want another." "Not married?" "She'll want a proposal." "Have an apartment?" "She'll want a new one." "They aren't like us." "They're... much stronger." "Have you ever heard a woman say, "I miss us"?" "What she means, is that she misses you not being what she wants you to be" "No, a man who fears loneliness should never be in a long-term relationship." "Come on, Ernst." "Trine." "I'm tired of your Mr. Miyagi gibberish." "She... isn't quite like the others." "It was awkward the last time we met." "And it will be again." "Before I give you these, I want you to do me a favor." "What?" "Come back here." "And tell me how Benedikt is doing." "I refuse to spy on him for you." "Call him." "We haven't had much contact lately." "I'm not talking about spying." "All I ask is that you tell me how he's doing, what he's up to." "Is that a file?" "This is Trine." "In and out of the mental care system for the past five years." "She's crazy?" "You could say that." "And in return...?" "Benedikt." "Fine." "He's staying at a hotel." "His ex threw him out of a 4th story window." "And he was just arrested for voyeurism." "Have a nice day." " Hey!" " Hi, it's Dag." " What's that noise?" " Someone working out." " Where are you?" " In my hotel room." " Working out?" " Remember that bodybuilder?" "Now that I can do whatever I want, sex just seems tedious to me." "If here's no shame involved, it's like manual labor." "So I don't bother." "Come to dinner." "Eva wants you to meet people?" "That too." "And my sister's coming home." "Last time I met her, she rode me while a nun sucked my fingers." " That will never do." " It's not for her, it's for me." " How many times will this make?" " Three." " I've kept count." " The three worst dates of my life." " They weren't that bad." " Your memory is too selective." "Allow me to recap." "I've been a vegan since I was nine." "When dad told me the stew we just ate was my pet rabbit Netti." "I only drink wine from windfallen grapes." " Excuse me." " Doesn't he speak?" "This is Lill, one of my clients, recently divorced." " And apparently also vegan." " Hi." "What's he saying?" "He's saying... that he's a deaf-mute." " Is he?" " Apparently so." "Cheers!" "What's for dinner?" "I've had 18 abortions." "It's important to be open about that." "I can't work out all week, just to get bloated by some stupid pills." "Show me a penis, and I'm pregnant." "Morning wood?" "Boom, I'm a balloon." "And they don't look like real babies." "I've seen them." "They're slimy and..." " I never have sex on the first date." " I've heard that before." "I think I would feel cheap if I started doing that." "You don't say?" "More wine?" "14 MINUTES LATER I miss my boyfriend so much right now." "He was always so nice." "I wish I had never broken up with him." " He has changed so much." " Any dessert?" "So, no dinner." "No way." "I'd rather watch and accountant rap." " How are you and Mia doing?" " An ice front." " Serbs sure know how to be cold." " Have you met your son?" "I think I have to go, Dag." "Talk to you later." "Bye." "Sex?" "Right." "Of course." "I'm sure that will be nice." "Everything OK?" "I shouldn't be in a relationship." "I give my patients advice that I never follow myself." "Are you there?" "Yes." "King Haakon will return soon and order will be restored." " I'm going home." " Do that." "Yeah..." " Hi, Mia." " Hi." " What are you doing here?" " Who were you expecting?" "I ordered some food." "Thought..." " I thought maybe we could talk." " Sure." "About what?" "Remember the picture of you and Alexander on that log ride?" "Alex found that picture, all by himself." "He brought it in this morning, woke me up." "And he said..." ""I love my daddy a lot."" "So I thought, if you want to see him or have him stay..." " There's someone here." " Nah..." " Sorry, I was wrong." " No, Mia, that's not..." "I can't allow a child into this depraved life of yours!" "Mia!" "She's just working out." "Hi." "Hi." "What?" "Why did you lock the door?" "It's just..." "life." "There's so much weirdness out there." "Yeah." "There's quite a bit in here too." " What is it?" " Nothing." " Sure?" " Yeah." "I'm fine." "I'm just... tired." "Dinner, put Leon to bed, and a nice movie." "Then I'll be fine." "I'll go get some take-away dinner and grab you a couple of beers." "I may even go crazy and get myself a San Pellegrino." " OK?" " Great." " Hey!" " Hi there." "How's your life going?" "I just hammered the last nail in my coffin." "I'm in the mini-bar again." "Voluntarily." "That damn Viagra makes me overheat." "And I deserve the frostbite." "Christ, bodybuilders have stamina!" "I haven't had sex." "I've been drained!" "Her vulva was like a juicer." " Good to hear everything's normal." " You can always count on me." "Great." "Bye." "Hello?"