"You know thed of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?" "Well, that was me." "Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner." "Karma." "That's when I realized I had to change." "So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done, and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes." "I'm just trying to be a better person." "Back in my criminal days," "I used to steal loose change out of cars." "And since there's no way to give the right change back to the right people," "I have to find other ways to pay the world back." "Hey, Earl, wait up." "Officer Ross." "You, uh, dropped your gun." "(quietly):" "Oh, man..." "Cool." "Thanks." "Uh..." "I'm gonna have to give you a ticket because it's illegal putting money in other people's meters." "Seriously?" "Why?" "don't know." "Anyways, I'm gonna need to see your license." "My license?" "Well, see, I don't have my license." "My ex-wife does and won't give it back." "Why?" "Well, 'cause she's crazy, and it gives her an excuse to torture me." "You sure this will help the guys in the Gulf win the war?" "Once I go spread-eagle, White-Snake style on the hood, it will." "Those boys need to remember what they're fighting for." "Hold on, I got an eye booger the size of a walnut." "Oh, snap!" "Earl's driver's license." "Holding on to this for a rainy day." "Too bad it didn't thunder when you said that." "That would've been cool." "Like you're a evil genius or something." "That would've been cool." "I'lding on to this for a rainy day!" "I think you need clouds to thunder." "(gasps):" "Look at that bird up there." "How the hell do they stay up there like that?" "Wait, so..." "what you're saying is, is that you've been operating your motor vehicle without a license." "Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying." "So instead of getting one ticket, I got two." "I couldn't understand why karma was punishing me for trying to do something good." "And why was it making me go see Joy?" "Joy, just give me my license." "Why?" "What's in it for me?" "Well, you'd be doing a nice thing, which would get you two steps closer to heaven-- and if I had to guess, you're probably a few steps closer to somewho ." "(chuckles):" "Look, Earl, I'd love to give you your license back, but before I return it," "I'm gonna need to see some forsontification." "(chuckles):" "Some... some kind of picture ID." "(laughing):" "Perhaps a license." "You know, Joy, technically, that license is state property." "It doesn't belong to either one of you." "Okay, Darnell, youARting a turtle right now," "MYand I'm not taking legal advice from you or any other turtle painter." "I'm just making it more visible;" "kids keep stepping on it." "You want your license back?" "Well, I want something from you." "Fine." "What do you want me to do?" "I want you to fix that hole in the wall behind the Jesus-eating-dinner picture that you put there." "The hole Joy was talking about dated back to a fight we'd had yearfore." "You cheatin' son of a bitch!" "You're supposed to say "uno" when you only got one card left." "I said "one." You're supposed to say "uno"!" "It's a Mexican game!" "Joy, this is why the kids won't play Candyland with you anymore." "Joy, I'm not gonna fix that hole." "Why not?" "Ain't that what you do on your idiot list--fix things?" "Only things that are my fault, and that hole isn't one of 'em." "I can't believe there's a hole behind this picture." "That's a relief." "Last week, it was banging in the wall, and I thought Jesus was mad at me for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car." "Guess it was just windy." "Come on, Randy, we have to drop Catalina off and head down to the courthous" "I'm gonna have to pay for a new license." "Hold on." "I'm trying to get two earthworms to fight." "The one on the left keeps running." "Come on, homes." "Kick his butt." "Do worms have butts?" "If they do, they look just like their faces." "EARL:" "Hey, that one looks kind of angry." "Maybe we should cut him in hal and make him fight himself." "I don't think that would work." "If you cut me in half, I wouldn't fight with my legs." "I'd try to work with them to get us to a hospital." "Hey, guys." "ALL:" "Hey, Crab Man." "Darnell, do you know anything about getting worms to fight?" "Worms don't fight." "They're peaceful, loving people." "They got five hearts." "Listen, Earl, I'm gonna turn around, and then I'm gonna bend over and tie my shoe." "You might want to thumb through my hair while I do." "Okay." "Thanks, Crabman." "No problem, Earl." "With license in hand," "I went to court to pay off my tickets." "Being a metal detective has got to be the best job in the whole world." "You get to see what everyone's got in their pockets." "Go on through." "(detector beepsor)" "Look, this happens every time I come through here." "Where's Phil?" "Phililws." "Phil has the bird flu." "He's going to be on the news." "No, look, uh... it's nothing, I..." "I have a condition." "What kind of condition?" "(softly):" "There's a, uh, a BB in my ass." "There's a, uh, BB in my..." "You have a what?" "I have a BB in my ass!" "Okay?" "I have a BB in my ass." "And that's when I realized karma wasn't punishing me by giving me those tickets." "It was leave me to the courthouse to find her" "Gwen Waters." "When I was little, I had a crush on Gwen." "There was just something abou" "And while I never worked up the courage to talk to her, other guys did, and I didn't like it." "I learned two things that day." "I hated guys with alligators on the shirts..." "Ow!" "...and I was a terrible shot." "Crap!" "You just shot me!" "Why won't you believe me?" "DEPUTY:" "We need a female officer here for a cavity search." "Look, ma'am, you need to take you down here." "I really don't likon be touched." "Check a few things." "I know what I got to do next on my list, Randy." "#147: "Shot Gwen Waters in the ass with a BB."" "I have a certain sensitivity to latex, okay?" "And I-I'm sure if you just..." "For the love of God, will somebody please call Phil?" "!" "Just wait, ma'am." "After I paid my ticket, I waited around to talk to Gwen." "The prosecution will show that the defendant was taking money exchange for sex at the Rainbow Burger drive-thru." "That's a lie." "I wasn't taking money for sex." "I was taking burgers for sex and curly fries for a diddle and a pickle for a lookie." "What?" "It's my Tuesday afternoon special." "Uh..." "Your Honor," "I think we might need to talk about a plea bargain here." "JUDGE:" "Five-minute recess in my chambers." "Gwen?" "No, I will not draw your stupid kid." "No, Gwen, it's me, Earl Hickey." "Earl Hickey?" "How was that cavity search?" "You got any or do you brush pretty good?" "Randy, different cavity." "Idiot." "Name-caller." "Gwen, look, I need to talk to you." "I made a list of all the bad things" "I've done, and..." "well, your ass is on it." "See?" "#147: "Shot Gwen Waters in the..."" "Well, you know where." "What you should have put down is how you lied to my dad about it." "It never occurred to me shooting Gwen wasn't the worst thing I did to her that day." "Oh, my God!" "You just shot me!" "I'd like to say I ran to Gwen's house to apologize, but the truth is," "I didn't want to get in trouble." "I didn't shoot her." "I shot a crow that wasrying a rock, and it must have dropped and hit her in the butt." "Gwen, how many times have I told you, "Don't play around birds?"" "Luckily for me, Gwen's dad was a crazy drunk who believed a stupid lie from a juvenile delinquent over his own daughter." "No way!" "Dad, are you actually going to believe that crap?" "Inside." "Inside!" "Son of a bitch never believed a word I said." "You know, thknhe last time I ever talked to him." "Are you serious?" "In 20 years?" "Yep." "Two weeks later, he left my mom for another woman." "I don't even know were he lives." "Out of my way!" "I'm not going to jail for a cheeseburger handy!" "Stop!" "I got to go draw that." "Just forget about it, Earl." "I'll see you around." "Why did you ever have a crush on her?" "She's a bitch, and not the good kind like that "Kiss my grits" lady from that diner show." "(chuckles):" "She was all, "Kiss my grits."" "We should go to Arizona." "you hear that, Randy?" "'Cause of me, her and her dad never talked again." "I got to fix that." "Earl, before when you said "different cavity,"" "did you mean butt cavity" "I'm afraid so, Randy." "Sometimes, I don't like the world we live in." "It ends up Gwen's dad wasn't hard to find." "He was living outside Hendersonville." "I found out later, it was 'cos they wouldn't let him inside Hendersonville." "Mr. Waters?" "My name is Earl Hickey, and, uh, you may not remember me, but I want to talk to you about your daughter." "(speaks nonsensically)" "That was a... (belches) ...good light bulb." "Yeah, a 60-watt is a fine bulb." "Anyway, ho-how would you feel about going to Camden to see your daughter?" "I bet he's had 20 beers today." "That's how many I had when I tried to plug the television into that dog." "I don't think he understoood a word I said." "Maybe we should go and come back another time?" "I don't think we can, Randy." "Karma brought me to the courthouse to do this now." "He's not just drunk." "He's Uncle Roger drunk." "I know." "Look, we'll just bring him back to Camden anyway," "We'll pour some coffee in him." "When he sobers up," "I'll explain to him what I'm trying to and then I'm sure he'll want to see Gwen." "Turns out, getting Gwen's dad back to Camden was a royal pain.in" "When we stopped to get coffee to sober him up, even that turned into a nightmare." "There's no more..." "Can I get some more cups please?" "S-S-Sorry about that." "That's not the bathroom." "Where is he?" "Hey!" "We got him off the roof by telling him we had beer hidden in the back of the El Camino, and if he could find it, he could have it." "Sign says 60 miles to Camden." "I wonder why they call it a mile." "Well, because that's what it is." "What else are you gonna call it?" "A klorp?" "No one would know what you're talking about." "What are you doing?" "!" "Son of a bitch!" "EARL:" "After losing Gwen's dad, we backtracked to his trailer hoping to find him there." "I miss Uncle Roger." "Except for when be used to lick my cheeks." "'Cause he was hungry and you had food on your face." "If you would have used a napkin once in a while he would have let you alone." "I don't think we can get this guy back to Camden, Randy." "I'm going to have to bring Gwen here." "Let's start by getting him inside." "Patching up Gwen and her father was proving to be hard but we weren't giving up." "Back at the trailer park," "Darnell was trying to patch things up, too." "Look, baby, I fixed the wall." "That's for Earl to fix, not you." "All right, this is all the booze he's got." "It's gonna take me a couple hours to get Gwen." "Just make sure he doesn't drink anything." "(Mr. Waters mumbling loudly) What's be doing in there?" "He's awake now, so I put him in the bath and threw in a bar of soap." "What'd he look like naked?" "Kind of like E.T. when they found him by the river." "That poor little monkey." "He just wanted to phone home." "When I got to the courthouse," "I had to wait for a break in the trial to talk to Gwen." "Your Honor, the defendant solicited sex from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day." "That is a lie!" "Show the video." "Hey, I know you're a uniformed officer and it's the middle of the day, but would you like to have sex with me for money?" "Uh, Your Honor, I would like to resign as this woman's counsel." "When I told Gwen what I was doing, well, she wasn't very happy." "No way." "I'm not going to Hendersonville to talk to that son of a bitch." "Gwen, it's my daughter Bianca's birthday..." "I do not draw children, Claretta." "Look, I had a bad relationship with my dad, too, but patching it up makes you feel really good." "Yeah, but I'm guessing your father didn't treat you like crap your entire childhood." "I do not want cake, Claretta." "Just forget about this, okay?" "It's not your fault;" "you were just the straw that broke the camel's back." "But that's the thing." "I'm the straw." "Without the straw, the camel wouldn't have a broken back." "Yes, but if you remove the straw from the camel's back, that doesn't fix it:" "the camel is still dead." "Camels can go..." "40 days without water?" "We're done here." "And then things went from bad to worse." "She wouldn't come with me." "Where's the booze?" "Randy, why's the door locked?" "He tricked me." "Please don't make me say how." "He threw my favorite food at me, Earl." "What was I supposed to do?" "Randy, baloney isn't your favorite food." "Animal crackers are." "No, they're my favourite food shape like an animal" "Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?" "That's when I snapped." "I was gonna get Gwen and her father toatther r liked it or not." "Oh, crap, there she is." "Here, get these boards off." "Hey, Gwen." "Oh, for the love of God." "If shoot you with a BB gun, will you leave me alone?" "No, it's too late for that." "I know what you said about the whole camel and straw thing, and you're a better arguer than me." "I just can't live with this on my conscience, so I went ahead and brought your dad here." "You what?" "Get out of the way, Baloney Boy." "Earl, his pants are down." "He doesn't know that, Randy." "Just pull them up." "I don't wanna" "He's gro and his pants are gross." "Randy." "Oh, my God." "That's my dad?" "That's his house?" "Hey, hey." "Hey, no." "Sir..." "No!" "He looks terrible." "I know." "He's kind of a drunk." "No!" "You pull 'em up, I'll poop 'em." "My God, look at him." "Do you want me to hold him down so you can talk to him?" "No..." "Please." "If you talk to him for a minute..." "I can't believe I wasted half my life being at him, thinking he got away with treating me like crap." "Look at him." "He didn't get away with anything." "He just got what was coming to him." "Karma." "Wow." "This is weird." "For the first time in 20 years," "I ain't feel mad at my dad." "It's nice." "It was then I remembered why I had a crush on Gwen 20 years ago." "It was her smile." "She always had a beautiful smile." "So, yNo." "I already got taleverything I needed." "Thanks for bringing him down here, Earl." "You can cross me off your list." "I'd be lying if I said this was the end I was rooting for." "I was hoping Gwen and her dad would make up on the spot, but sometimes relationships don't work out that way." "Sometimes the best you can hope for is at least one person walking away happy again." "I locked him in the El Camino." "HE I might locked him in there with the keys." "That's all right, Randy." "He won't get far." "He doesn't know you're supposed to put your foot over the hole in hloor to keep the exhaust out." "Let's go follow him." "* Well, I don't know why I came here tonight *" "Could we stop and get some baloney?" "I got a taste for baloney." "Can't make any promises, but if we see a place..." "Once Gwen let go of some of that anger at her dad, not only did she find her smile again," "JUDGE:" "I hereby sentence you to a $500 fine." "Any chance you want to take that 500 out in trade?" "I'll let you take a ride on the Patty Wagon-- ooh!" "WOMAN:" "Excuse me." "Would you sketch my" "Why not?" "And I realized that sometimes,me even when you didn't do anything wrong, it's okay to let stuff go and try to patch things up." "See, I told you it was your fault, dummy." "It's better this way." "lding on to anger just eats you up inside." "Besides, karma's always there to make sure things come out the way they should." "Damn it!"