"(inhales deeply) Ah, the lunchroom... where the natural order of a school is put on display." "For it is here that everything has its place." "At the head table are the kings of the lunchroom -- the football players." "They've already gotten more blowjobs than we'll ever get." "The cheerleaders are next." "Upon graduation, they will shed their pom-poms and emerge as dental hygienists." "Next, it's the drama kids." "SNOT:" "Ugh, so gross that they're always touching each other." "Then the Goth kids, guys with no personality who always wear basketball shorts, the robots pretending to be kids." "Then it's the dweebs, the nerds, the dorks," "Bolivian kids, and, finally, we arrive at our table." "(gasps)" "Hey, that's not us!" "Excuse me, gentlemen, this is our table." "Oh, really?" "And what group are you guys?" "We are... uh...uh..." "That's what I thought." "From now on, this table belongs to the left-handed kids." "We don't have a table!" "No-o-o-o-o-o!" "Hey, man." "Would you like to join us over at the table for kids who overreact to things?" "Really?" "Psych!" "We're the little stinker table, and you've just been goofed!" "♪♪" "♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪" "♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" "♪ Good -- ♪ ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪" "Aah!" "♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪" "Come on, Steve." "There's got to be a place we can eat." "Oh, how about where the kid who died had his locker?" "That hallway's haunted." "The kids who do those ghost-hunters YouTubes are devoting an entire webisode to it." "I think I heard something." "Do you feel a presence?" "Yes, it was definitely a ghost." "He peed all over my pants." "This isn't just about where we eat, it's about what holds us together." "What's our brand?" "Snot, you're poor." "Toshi's Japanese." "A-And, Barry..." "Barry has a true warmth of heart that none of us can come close to." "Thanks for not saying "fat."" "Watch where you're going, loser." "Hey, that could be our thing -- we're all losers!" "No way!" "He's a loser, you're a dumb-ass, he's a bum, and he's from somewhere else." "The only thing you guys have in common is that you're asses are about to be grasses." "(screams)" "Get those unrelated kids!" "(exhales deeply)" "(eerie music box music plays)" "MAN:" "Go away!" "We're closed!" "I-I'm sorry." "I-I just need " "Didn't you hear me?" "!" "Oh, hey, Steve." "Roger?" "And this is my house of curiosities." "Why did you open this weird shop full of stuff no one would ever want?" "I was running from bullies." "W-What's that smell?" "Mold!" "So, bullies, huh?" "Let's see." "This thing looks like a big shield or something." "Maybe that would help to, like, block stuff." "Um, and this is some sort of pewter dragon statue." "You could..." "throw it at 'em?" "What is this stuff?" "What's this book?" "(music stops) This book is not for you!" "In it are contained all the solutions to your problems." "With it, every fear you've ever had would melt away." "Hopes would be fulfilled." "Dreams would become reality." "Growers will become showers." "You do not want this book." "(cellphone chimes)" "Oh, my meatball hoagie's ready next door." "but the cutest guy named Prescott makes them." "Right now, I'm playing it cool, just making little jokes like," ""The clam chowder looks like a bowl of sperms."" "Do you think I'm being too coy, or should I turn up the heat?" "(door opens) While I'm gone, don't think about that book, Steve." "(music resumes)" "The Art of Witchcraft." "(music stops)" "Well, I'm back," "Prescott and I had full and complete sex beneath the meat slicer." "Steve?" "Huh." "I don't know." "You gots the goods, Ma." "I'm gonna do it!" "and make something of myself!" "Don't tell me what you're talking about, because I'm going to the hardware store," "Oh, Stan, I'd love to go with you," "Not interested, Klaus." "Yeah, WXIU's '90s Fest is coming up," "I hope might be there." "All the bands from the '90s sucked." "Holy crap!" "I straight-up forgot about Marcy Playground!" "They sang "Sex and Candy."" "Who else is on there?" "Offspring, Candlebox!" "Oh, man!" "So many memories." "Two memories." "(insects chirping) have come to an end." "This is a book of magic spells." "Steve, magic's not real." "If it was, the Orlando Magic would have won a championship by now." "Snot, you follow basketball?" "I watch the finals." "it wrote words in front of my eyes." "Look." "♪♪" "(speaking Japanese)" "That's right, Tosh!" "We've found our brand!" "We're gonna be witches!" "And I've already picked out our first spell." "We used to wear suits, God damn it!" "No." "We're gonna get our lunch table back!" "But it doesn't say not to." "Goddess of Witches, hear our plea." "We're just four boys in a tree." "Please, Mistress Magic, if you're able, return to us our luncheon table!" "Okay, that's that." "I-I guess we find out tomorrow if it worked." "It's okay, Steve." "It was a stupid idea anyway." "(speaking Japanese)" "I appreciate you trying to cast another spell, Tosh, but it's useless." "(speaking Japanese)" "He caught that with his right hand." "What's happening to me?" "!" "I believe you're sitting at our table." "Who..." "Who are you?" "(screaming)" "(sniffs)" "Witchcraft." "Is that a half-eaten roll of raw cookie dough?" "What was going on with me last time I was on this witch-hunter's cabinet?" "a boy witch would be so immediately rewarding." "Now that we know it works, the only question is, what spell do we cast next?" "Hmm." "The boys at Big Pharma would not be happy if this little secret got out." "Whoa." "Check out the back section " "Blood Magic!" "These spells are really dark." ""Annal nathrak uthvas"... (wind howls)" "(screaming)" "Yeah, Steve." "Maybe we shouldn't mess with any of this." "What if we agree to take Blood Magic off the table and only use our powers to help people?" "We'll be good boy witches." "(Steve Miller Band's "Abracadabra" plays)" "♪ I heat up♪" "♪ I can't cool down♪" "♪Around and round ♪ So cool." "So confident." "Why can't you be confident like that?" "!" "That's what I want for you!" "You have so much... potential!" "♪ You call my name♪" "♪ I heat up like a burning flame ♪" "♪Full of desire ♪" "♪Kiss me, baby ♪" "♪ Let the fire get higher ♪" "♪ I wanna reach out and grab ya ♪" "♪ Abra, abracadabra♪" "♪ Abracadabra ♪" "♪ You make me hot ♪" "♪ You make me sigh♪" "♪ You make me laugh♪" "♪ You make me cry ♪" "♪ With the touch of a velvet glove♪" "♪ Abra, abracadabra♪" "♪ Abra, abracadabra♪" "(urinating)" "(speaking Japanese)" "It sure has, Toshi, my friend." "Hey!" "I understand Tosh!" "(speaking Japanese)" "Oh." "Cool." "Boys, I think it's time to upgrade our position in the lunchroom." "But we just got our table back." "Yeah, but we're witches now." "We shouldn't be sitting at the worst table in the cafet" "Worst table?" "!" "It's right by the garbage and the bathrooms!" "(laughter)" "Marshall, my good man." "How's your day going?" "Dude, you have 10 seconds to get the heck away from this table." "Marsh, it's good." "We're witches now." "You know the old saying -- quarterbacks, witches, the rest be bitches." "Nothing wrong with a little thigh to thigh." "There aren't enough butterflies in the world to make you cool enough to sit with us." "In fact, there's fewer and fewer butterflies every year, nerd!" "Embarrass me in front of everyone." "He'll pay for this." "Stupid Marshall." "He's not stupid, Steve." "He's the Federation of Christian Athletes'" "Scholar Baller of the Month." "Don't you listen to the announcements?" "Hello, pod listeners." "This is our brand-new podcast where we remember bands from the '90s." "That's right " " Billy C. was in the White House," "Frasier packed up his stuff and moved from Beantown to Seattle," "Better Than Ezra." "Cowboy Junkies." "Spin Doctors." "Toad the Wet Sprocket." "Hey, Stan?" "Yeah, Klaus?" "Who would you say is your favorite '90s band" "Asylum, Coughing, or Collective?" "Easy, Collective." "Collective Soul." "I love remembering Collective Soul." "(twinkles)" "What's up, my witches?" "What happened to your hair?" "And why are you with him?" "Oh, Marshall?" "I realized I wanted to be a cool witch, like Steve, my master." "See?" "Nothing weird." "When did Marshall's eyes get milky, like a blind guy?" "You broke our hold-hand promise!" "What's wrong with you?" "!" "Marshall disrespected us, and I taught him some respect." "We should be running this school." "We should be running this whole town." "We only got into this so we'd have a place to eat." "Place to eat?" "!" "We should be able to eat wherever we want" "Marshall, churro!" "(munching)" "We could have the whole town chewing our food." "we will force you to stop." "You can stop me, but you got to stop Marshall first." "(breathing heavily)" "(gasps)" "(body thuds)" "Pretty cool, huh?" "On the other, you just murdered a student!" "That wasn't a student." "That was a zombie created by Blood Magic!" "entrusted to protect this school." "I'll find whoever made this demon." "And when I do, I'm gonna crossbow his ass." "If you want to keep your asses uncrossbowed, you stay away from Blood Magic, 'cause Blood Magic is dud magic." "(poignant music plays)" "We got to find Steve before Lewis does." "Alert the Federation of Christian Athletes." "Their Scholar Baller is dead." "We must find a successor." "And, guys, please be open to defensive players." "♪♪" "Hey, no kids!" "Go away!" "Read the sign!" "(speaking Japanese)" "Impossible!" "If that book were missing, I'd know." "It's the shop's most priceless item." "That's why I keep it in the most visible" "(gasps)" "Wha-- how?" "!" "It's gone!" "Wait." "The pewter dragon!" "Perfect." "Problem solved." "(clangs)" "(sighs) That was the dragon, wasn't it?" "But then all the power went straight to Steve's head." "When you're older, I'll show you where all the power goes straight to on me." "Sorry, I-I interrupted you." "Please continue." "Anyway, simple magic wasn't enough, and Steve turned to using Blood Magic." "Aw, crap!" "The guy I franchised this place from said he's yank my franchise if I ever let anyone use" "Blood Magic in this franchise." "We got to save my franchise!" "He said he was gonna use it to enslave the whole town!" "And we don't even know where he is." "Okay, let's think." "If I were a whole town, where would I be?" "To '90s Fest!" "(intense classical music plays)" "Who is pumped for '90s Fest?" "!" "(cheers and applause) We're Stan and Klaus." "You know that from our podcast!" "(cheers and applause)" "The '90s were great!" "They had bands like..." "Luscious Jackson." "Blind Melon." "Veruca Salt." "So let's say the name of a band that is here!" "Semisonic!" "(cheers and applause)" "("Closing Time" begins) Okay, you guys go right and look for Steve." "I'll take the left." "Don't daily." "We must act fast." "Right." "You got it!" "She did it." "She said she was gonna do it," "♪ Closing time ♪" "I don't see him!" "Old lady of witchcraft, put air in my scrote and allow this humble witch to float, float, float!" "It doesn't even look like him!" "♪ One last call for alcohol ♪" "Hey, man, w-we're trying to play "Closing Time."" "People of Langley," "Boo!" "Put back on whoever sings "Closing Time"!" "It is now closing time on your freedom." "You will all be my slaves." "We have to stop him from casting spells!" "(speaking Japanese)" "(magic whooshes)" "♪♪" "Don't do this, Steve!" "We're good boy witches, remember?" "I remember you laughed at me when I ate churro out of a quarterback's mouth." "We didn't laugh." "Die!" "You may have Blood Magic, but I'll take our friendship over that any day." "Die, witches!" "I killed the guy who cut in front of me" "Oh, and there's Steve." "Check, please." "(soft music plays)" "Oh, no." "Barry!" "What have I done?" "!" "I'm so sorry." "ROGER:" "There is one way." "What?" "Oh, I'm " " I'm sorry." "I thought you said you wish there was a way you could undo this." "Well, I-I didn't say that, but, yeah, I do." "There is one way." "There's an undo spell in the book." "Anything caused by your magic will be restored to its pre-magic state." "But there's just one catch." "Anything!" "You have to promise to buy that pewter dragon off me." "Fine!" "Just give it to me!" "Please!" "(whooshes)" "They went to our head." "We inconvenienced a lot of people, and Barry's now dead." "Bring our magic powers to an end so we can go back to being friends." "Got to be honest, Steve, it's still pretty hard to get those deaths off my mind." "My favorite part was having a place to eat lunch!" "Don't worry." "We'll get a table." "Follow my lead." "How's that throwing arm?" "Are you freaking kidding me?" "!" "(Semisonic's "Closing Time" plays) As the sun sets on another day, find a place to call their own." "Guys, I forgot to tell you, when you die, nothing happens." "It's just a permanent cessation of consciousness." "♪ I know who I want to take me home ♪" " Captions by VITAC"