"Subtitles:" "_" "Excuse me." "How do I get to the medical school?" "I'm giving a lecture in 20 minutes and my driver's lost." "You go straight ahead and make a left over the bridge." "That's a lovely accent you have." "New Jersey?" "Austria." "Austria?" "Well, then..." "'G'day, mate.'" "'Let's put another shrimp on the barbie.'" "Let's not." "DUMB AND DUMBER" "Who's got the wiener schnitzel?" "Beautiful." "There you go, Dolf." "There you go, buddy." "Enjoy" "Let's see, next we've got roast beef au jus." "Who's got the roast beef au jus?" "Stella, beautiful." "Bon appetit." "Walk away, go on." "Go on." "Last but not least:" "Footlong, who's got the Footlong?" "Very funny, Rascal." "In your dreams." "Why haven't you dropped those dogs off at the show?" "I didn't want them to perform on an empty stomach, sir." "Move it!" "Yes, sir." "Mutt Cutts." "Ten-four." "Suck me sideways." "Hello." "How are you?" "I'll be out in one minute." "Why you going to the airport?" "Flying somewhere?" "How'd you guess?" "I saw the ticket and luggage and put two and two together." "Where to?" "Aspen." "California!" "Beautiful." "Name's Christmas, Lloyd Christmas." "I'm Mary Swanson." "This isn't my real job." "No?" "My pal Harry and I are saving for a pet store." "That's nice." "'I Got Worms.'" "I beg your pardon?" "It's the name, 'I Got Worms.'" "We'll sell worm farms." "Like ants farms." "What's the matter?" "Tense about the flight?" "Something like that." "Nothing to worry about." "You're more likely to get killed... going to the airport, in a crash... flying off a cliff, trapped under a gas truck." "That's the worst." "I have this cousin, I had this cousin..." "Could you keep your eyes on the road, please?" "Oh, yeah." "Good thinking." "Can't be too careful." "Lot of bad drivers out there." "You know the rules:" "no humping, no pushing, no sniffing hineys." "Where were you?" "My dogs were supposed to be here 40 minutes ago." "I hardly have any time to primp them." "Don't worry, Mrs. 'Neugyburger'." " Neugeboren!" " Neu-neu-neug..." "Boren!" "The pooches won't need primping." "You know Why?" "Because I bathed and clipped them." "And I stand by my perfromance." "On second thought, you might run a comb through them." "Thanks." "Here you go." "Oh no, Mary." "I couldn't possibly accept that, not after all we've been through." "Thank you, Lloyd." "Good luck with your worms." "Hey." "How about a hug?" "I hate goodbyes." "Just go." "Be strong." "She'll leave the briefcase near the escalator." "You make the pick-up." "Piece of cake." "'Good-bye my love...'" "There's our payday." "She left it." "Let's go." "Coming through!" "Move it or lose it, Sister!" "Eenie, meenie, minie, mo!" "Hold that plane!" "Sir, you can't go in there!" "It's okay!" "I'm a limo driver!" " Hi Lloyd." " Hi, Harry." "How was your day?" "Not bad." "Fell off the jet-way again." "Who do you figure this guy's working for?" "I don't know, but we sure as hell better find out." "The ulcer?" "I'll live." "You got fired again?" "Oh, yeah." "They freak out when you leave the scene of an accident." "Yeah, well, I lost my job too." "Man!" "You are one pathetic loser." "No offense." "None taken." "You know what really chaffs my ass?" "I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog." "Hi, Petey." "The alarm alone cost 200." "Chicks love it." "It's shagging wagon." "What's the briefcase?" "It's a love momento." "The most beautiful woman alive." "I drove her to the airport... sparks flew, emotions run high." "She actually talked to me." "Get out of her!" "Oh, yeah." "Tractor beam." "Sucked me right in." "Anyway, she left this in the terminal and... flew to Aspen and out of my life." "What's in it?" "Man!" "I'm no low-life, rooting around in someone else's private property." "Is it locked?" "Yeah, really well." "There's two of them, One has a gun." "Did you pay the gas bill?" "Do you know what you've done?" "I'm sorry." "I say we bail." "Okay." "The briefcase ain't here." "He must have taken it." "He's got to come home." "We should trash the place, send him a message." "He won't get that message." "He's got worms in his living room." "I got a better idea." "'I thought I saw a puddy-cat." "I did." "I did.'" "I can't believe we drove all day and there are no jobs." " There is nothing, nada, zip." " Yeah... unless you want to work 40 hours a week." "Here." "I'm going to the store." "Get the very essentials, we got no dough." "What do I look like?" "Little old lady?" "You got change of a dollar?" "Change?" "No I'm sorry." "Could you do me a favor and watch my stuff... while I go break $1?" "Of course." "Thanks." "Their right." "Senior citizens, though slow and dangerous drivers, can still serve a purpose." "I'll be right back." "Don't you go dying." "Where's the booze?" "I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart." "I didn't even see it coming." "Come on, Harry." "Cheer up." "It get worse." "My parakeet, Petey." "He's dead." "Man, I'm sorry, Harry." "What happened?" "His head fell off!" "His head fell off?" "Yeah, he was pretty old." "That's it." "I've had it with this dump!" "We've got no food, we got no jobs... our pets' heads are falling off!" "Okay, just a calm down." "What the hell are we doing here, Harry?" "We must get out of this town." "And go where?" "Where do we go?" "I'll tell you where." "Someplace warm." "A place where the beer flows like wine." "Where beautiful women flock like the salmon of Capistrano." "I'm talking about a little place call Aspen." "I don't know." "The French are assholes." "Wait a minute!" "Wait, I know what you're up to, mister." "You just want to go to Aspen and find that girl who lost her briefcase, and you need me to drive you there, right?" "Am I right?" " Yeah, so?" " Am I right?" "I want to go somewhere we can plug into the social pipeline." "No, no, no, Lloyd." "We stay here, hunt for jobs, and save up for the worm store." "I am sick and tired of running from creditors." "You know what I'm sick and tired of?" "I'm sick of having to eke my way through life." "I'm sick of being a nobody." "But most of all," "I'm sick and tired of having nobody." "Okay." "Aspen it is." "You'd better not be fooling." "Just let it out, have a good cry." "Come on." "Okay, that's enough." "What are you doing?" "It feels like you're running at an incredible rate." "We're not through Connecticut, and already you're annoying me." "Sorry." "We're really doing it, aren't we, buddy?" "Where'd you get those?" "I bought 'em when we filled up." "We're meant to talk about expenditures, on our tight budget." "This isn't from our travel fund." "I raised 25 extra bucks before we left." "Where did you get 25 extra bucks?" "I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C." "The blind kid?" "What did you sell him?" "Stuff." "What kind of stuff?" "I don't know... a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles..." "Petey." "Petey?" "You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?" "That..." "You..." "What are you...?" "Petey didn't have a head." "I took care of it." "Pretty bird." "Can you say 'Pretty bird'?" "Pretty bird." "Yes, pretty bird." "Pretty bird." "Polly want a cracker?" "Those rat bastards." "They're rubbing it in our faces." "Andre'll have a hemorrhage if we don't get it back." " They must have followed us." " Why do you say?" "'Gas Man'" "How the hell do they know I got gas?" "They gotta be pros." "Don't worry." "We'll get that money back." "I'll tell you something." "They ain't never getting to Aspen." "I'll see to that." "They got The Monkees." "The influenced The Beatles a lot." "Yeah, I know." "Excuse me, Flo?" "Flo, like the TV show." "What is the soup du jour?" "It's the soup of the day." "Sounds good." "I'll have that." "It feels good to mingle with these laid back country folk, eh?" "I like it a lot." "What's wrong?" "You spilled the salt, that's what's wrong." "Spilling the salt is very bad luck." "On a drive across the country, we don't need bad luck." "Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder." "What the hell?" "Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?" "It was a mistake." "I'd never do anything to offend a man your size." "Kick his ass, Sea Bass!" "You eating that?" "That?" "No." "Yes." "Well..." "It crossed my mind, yeah." "You really wimped out, man." "What are you talking about, 'wimped out'?" " He hawked on my burger." " Wait." "I think I just..." "Yeah, I had an idea." "Follow me." "Excuse me, guys." "What the hell do you want?" "I just want to apologize for that unpleasant scene a little earlier." "My friend Harry and I would... like to buy you guys a round of beers, just to bury the hatchet." "Make it four 'boiler-makers'." "Whatever you want." "The waitress will bring it right away." "What are you doing?" "We can't afford that." "Excuse me?" "Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pay our check." "They said just put it on their tab." "They're very nice." "Sea Bass said that?" "Well if... that guy at the table is Sea Bass." "Alright, if that's what he wants." " Put these on there too, okay?" " You got it." "I'll kill those sons of bitches!" "That was sheer genius." "Where'd you get a scam like that?" "Saw it in a movie once." "That was incredible." "The guy tricks some sucker to pick up his tab and gets away?" "They catch up with him down the road and slit his throat." "It was a good one." "This isn't the best time, but when you can pull over," "I gotta pee." "Are you crazy?" "I won't stop now." "I gotta go." "What can I do?" "Whiz in one of the empty beer bottles in the back, on the floor, just get one of..." "Quit moving around!" "Watch the seat." "Watch the seat!" "Yeah!" "What's wrong?" "The bottle's full and I'm still going." "Stop." "I can't once I start." "It stings." " Quick, another bottle." " What?" " Come on." "Hurry, hurry." " Okay." "Come on." "Here." "Hold that." "Hold that one." "Hurry, I'm pitching it." "What are you, a camel?" "Pull over." "Pull over." "No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing." "Killer boots, man." "Pull your vehicle over to the side of the road." "License and registration, please." "You were going a little fast back there, right?" "You fellas... been doing a bit of boozing?" "Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine?" "Oh, no sir." "What's that?" " That's nothing, sir." " Nothing." "You aware that it's against the law... to have an open alcohol container in Pennsylvania?" "Give me that booze, pumpkin pie haircut freak!" "Sir, no..." "Don't drink..." "You'd shut your mouth if you knew what was good for you." "Tic-Tac, sir?" "Get out of here." "Why didn't they get the ransom?" "It doesn't make sense." "I left the money where they told me." "It does." "We should have called the authorities... when Bobby was kidnapped." "We've been through this." "Mr. Andre." "Nicholas." " Karl." " Nick." "Any word, sir?" "Nothing yet, Nicholas." "I've given this a lot of thought." "Why not cancel the Preservation benefit?" "I don't think we should change anything." "She's right." "We must carry on as usual." "Especially you, Mary." "Am I supposed to go on like everything is fine?" "Exactly." "Go skiing." "Go to parties." "Act normal." "We can't let on that anything wrong." "If the press or authorities suspect, the kidnappers may panic." "You don't know what they might do to him." "He said, 'Do you love me?" "' And she says, 'No... but that's a really nice ski mask.'" "What's that?" "You want me to drive?" "No, I'm cool." "These places don't do it for me." "They bring back memories." "What happened?" "Some filly break your heart?" "No, it was a girl." "Freda Felcher." "We stayed in a place like this." "Not this classy, but you now, nice." "Felcher?" "From Cranston?" "You know her?" "Yeah!" "I mean, I remember you... talking about her." "We had the most incredibly romantic time." "I thought we'd be together forever and then... about a week later, she sends me a John Deere letter." "She give you any reason?" "I called her, she said some crap about not listening to her enough." "I wasn't really paying attention." "But what hurt most..." "I think she was seeing another guy." "Never did find out who." "Mr. Andre... guess who we just happened upon?" "It ends here, in a phone booth." "The boys are holed up in a little love nest for the night." "They're a little bit strange." "What the hell are these guys up to?" "Could they be Feds?" "Highly unlikely, from what I've seen." "Did you never hear of the concept of 'other people'?" "Me being that, for the phone, sir." "You turned your back on me." "You got me mad." "I almost like it." "You should've grabbed the bag!" "Here's your drink, baby." "You don't give a damn what I can do to you, 'cause..." "Hold on a minute." "But that's not your problem." "You didn't know." "Get off the phone." "Get off the phone." "I'm sorry, you were saying?" "Look..." "Mental, they have a lot money and its mine." "Who are they and why do they have it?" "I told you already, I'm on it." "Alright?" "Good." "According to the map, we've gone about 4 inches." "We don't have enough gas money." " Relax." "We have more than enough." "I think you're wrong." "How much you want to bet?" "I don't bet." " What do you mean?" " I don't bet." "I don't gamble." " 'Pussy, pussy.'" " I never have and I never will." "Right." "20 bucks that you'll gamble by day's end." " No way." " I'll give you 3-to-1 odds." " Nope." " 5-to-1?" "10-to-1." "You're on." "I'm going to get you." "I don't know how, but I will." "Come on." "Let me both of them." "You don't have to worry about it." "Just shut up." "You don't kill people you don't know." "That' a rule." "Get up here, Lie down on the front seat." "When they pick me up, you follow us." "You got that?" "Hey, here they come." "Stay down." "Say, are you guys going Davenport?" "My car died and I'm late for lunch." "We usually don't pick up hitchhikers." "But I'm going with my instinct on this one." "Saddle up, partner." "You're it." "You're it." " You're it, quitsies." " Anti-quitsies." " No anti-quitsies." " You can't." " Can too!" " Cannot, stamped it!" "Can." "Double." "No erasies." "Cannot." "Triple stamped it." "Touch blue, make it true." "You can't double stamp it!" "You can't triple stamp it!" "Guys!" "Enough!" "Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Fellas..." "Could we listen to the radio or something?" "Radio?" "Who needs a radio?" "Ready, Harry?" "Mock... ing... bird." "Mockingbird." "Everybody have you heard?" "She's going to buy me a mockingbird." "And if that mockingbird don't sing, she's going to buy me a diamond ring." "Some people want a ride, too!" "Pick them up." "You want an Atomic Pepper, Mr. Mentalino?" "No, you guys go ahead." "I'll do it if you will." "Okay, you go first." " No, you go first." " No, you go first." " You." " You." "I always go first." "Why don't you guys stop acting like pussies and go at the same time?" " That sounds like a dare." " It's a double dare." "Okay, you're on." "It's not so bad." "It's more tingly than hot." "If you fellas would excuse me I got to use the phone." "Enjoy your meal, guys." "Here, Lloyd." "This helps." "It works good." "Yeah, it's Mental." "I'm sitting down to a nice meal with our boys." "Don't forget, your bread plate is on the left." "I can't have them running around Aspen." "Don't worry." "They won't be once I dump some rat poison in their drinks." " That's good." " Here he comes." " Feeling better, girls?" " Much better." "Thanks for asking." "Why are you going to Aspen?" "Vacation?" "Eat up and we'll tell you." "It doesn't seem like you packed much." "All I saw was one bag and a briefcase." "The briefcase isn't ours." "A lady left it at the airport." "We're taking it back to her." "How's your burger?" "You don't even know her?" "Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time." "Are you okay, man." "It was just a goof!" "My ulcer." "Quick... my pills!" "We should call an ambulance." "You get the pills." "Don't worry, I know CPR." "I'll get the pills." "Bad air out, good air in." "Out with the bad air..." "This is easier if you just lay back." "Here." "He's resisting me." "There you go." "Pills." " Pills are good." " Drink them down." "There you go." " There you go, big guy." " That's better." "Want some ketchup and mustard?" "That helped us." "You son of a... bitch!" "Check, please." "I can't believe it." "Life's a fragile thing." "One minute you're chewing on a burger, then you're dead meat." "But he blamed me." "You heard his last words." "Not if you count the gurgling sound." "He was poisoned?" "No doubt about it." "We found these next to him." "Sir... waitress says he came in with two young guys." "They called the ambulance and then they left." "You know where?" "Report says they were seen headed west toward Colorado." "Vehicle's description?" "Yes, sir." "They're driving an '84... sheepdog." "Skis, huh?" " That's right." " Great." "They yours?" "Both of them?" "Cool." "Excuse me, but you're spraying everywhere." "A lot of luggage for a little vacation." "I'm moving to Aspen." "To get away from my boyfriend." "He's such a klutz." "My astrologer told me to stay away from accident prone guys." "You know, I..." "Here, that's a little loose." "Might want to..." " Thank you." " No, allow me." "L've got... a thing here, got them right here." "Thank you." "Sure." "You know, I'm heading up to Aspen myself." "We could meet and have hot chocolate." "Sure, why not." "You seem harmless." " L'll give you my number." "A pen?" " Great." "I know I have one in here." "Tell it to me." "I've got a really good memory." "The number's 555... 90..." "Wait, that's my old number." "Weird how your mind goes blank." "Give me the damn number!" "Look, if you're going to get pushy, forget about it." "Find a happy place." "Find a happy place." " Any sign?" " No, but we expect them shortly." "A motorist saw a pooch 30 miles back headed this way." "I told you what happened, so drop it." "Okay, sure thing." "Sure thing." "Look, we're almost in Colorado." "Let's change seats." "I've been driving for 9 hours." "I don't have the energy to start a new state." "Hey, guys." "Big Gulps, huh?" "Alright!" "Well, see you later." "Hey, Harry, I got some beef jerky..." "Some people weren't cut out for life on the road." "I was wondering when you'd get up." "How long have I been out?" "I'd say a good 5 hours." "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be rockier." "I was thinking the same thing." "That John Denver is full of shit." "I'm only human." "Anybody can make a mistake." "Come on!" "Stop being a baby." "So we backtracked a tad." "'A tad'?" "'A tad', Lloyd?" "You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country... in the wrong direction!" "We don't have enough money to get to Aspen, to get home, to eat, or to sleep!" "It won't do us any good to sit whining about it." "We're in a hole." "We're going to have to dig ourselves out." "Okay." "You're right." "You're absolutely right." "Where you going?" "Home." "L'm walking home." "Well, pardon me, Mr. Perfect." "I guess I forgot you never make a mistake." "Got one more place if you still want to go to Aspen." "Where did you find that?" "Some kid back in town." "Traded the van for it." "Straight up." "I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this little hog." "You know Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't be any dumber," "you go and do something like this, and totally redeem yourself." " Still want to go to Aspen?" " Oh, yeah!" "Okay." "Let's go, buddy." " No, west." "Go west." " Oh, yeah." "I got to stop to go to the bathroom." "Just go, man." "That sure is warm." "We're there." "Got a little nippy going through the pass." "Isn't this incredible?" " What more could 2 single guys want?" " Some food?" "I swallowed a June bug driving." "I'm not that hungry." "Well, I'm starving." "Jeez, look at the butt on that." "Yeah." "He must work out." "Let's deliver the briefcase." "If I know her like I think, she'll give us tea and strumpets." "Where does she live?" "I don't know." "What's her last name?" "I'll look it up." "I don't really recall." "It starts with an 's'." "Swim, Swami, Slippy," "Slappy, Slimin, Solmon," "Simin, Sal, Swenson, Swanson..." " Maybe it's on the briefcase." " Right here." "'Samsonite'!" "I was way off." "I knew it started with an 's'." "I'm not seeing it here." "She must be unlisted." "Great." "What are we supposed to do now?" "I can't feel my fingers anymore, Lloyd." "They're, they're, they're numb." "You should wear these extra gloves." "My hands are starting to get sweaty." "Extra gloves?" "You had this pair... of extra gloves the whole time?" "Yeah." "We're in the Rockies." "I'm going to kill you." "What?" "I'm going to kill you." "I'm going to kill you, Lloyd." " Calm down." " Right now, I'll kill you." "You got that crazy look in your eye." " I know what to do." " What are you doing?" "Something I should have done a long time ago." "Don't do anything foolish." "What foolish?" "This ain't foolish." "I'm going to throw this curse right into that damn pond." " L'm gonna do it!" " You're an asshole." "Your hands are freezing." "Look!" "Look!" "Okay." "Here's the plan." "We borrow a few bucks, a small loan from the briefcase..." " And we find reasonable lodgings." " Good." "We write IOUs for all we spend." "Every last penny." "What we borrow, we pay back." " We're good for it." " Our word is our bond." "This is the Hotel Danbury Presidential Suite, gentlemen, normally reserved for royalty, visiting dignitaries, stars of stage and screen." "Coming shortly are the Emperor and Empress ofJapan." "Prince Charles and Di, when they were together, came constantly." "We'll take it." "There you go." "There you go." "There you go." "There you go." "There you go." " The rain brought him." " Her name was Sarah." "Though at the time, he wasn't sure he wanted to accept the gift." "Ned, you think he'll let us stay?" "You and me, we're a family." "And no one will ever break us apart." "Boy!" " This is living, huh?" " Yeah." "What's on next?" "I don't know." "Let's see." "Lloyd, you okay?" "It's Mary." "Who?" "Mary." "With the briefcase?" "'Mary Swanson'." "Swanson!" "Will hawst a newl..." "'Host.' 'Annual.'" "'Host an annual meeting of...'" "'the...'" "'The Intern...'" "Big one." "'International Preservation Society tomorrow night.'" "Come on Cinderella, we gotta get you ready for the ball." " Thanks, Barn." "There you go." " Thank you, sir." "Cripes!" "Time out!" "Time out." "Whatever." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "It's a $500 dollar-a-plate dinner." "Good night." "500, alright, no problem." "Put us down for..." " Put us down for four." " In case we want seconds." "Jesus Christ!" " It's them." " Them who?" "Them!" "The guys who whacked Mental." "Can't you just feel it." "This our big chance, man." "With a little class, a little sophistication, ...we're in like a dirty shirt." " We can be classy." "Look at the funbags on that hosehound!" "I'd eat her liver with fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti." "Let's go get some loudmouth soup." "Bartender, two martinis, please." "Can I have your attention, please." "The Aspen Preservation Society is the world's foremost... defender of 23 endangered species." "It is with tremendous honor that we bring Mr. Swanson forward to introduce us to the 24th." "Karl." "Thank you." "Ladies and gentlemen," "I give you the Icelandic Snow Owl." "These magnificent specimens constitute one seventh... of the Snow Owl population left on the planet." "And God willing, with your help and that of the Society, these wonderful creatures will flourish again." "Thank you." "Enjoy your evening." "Could I have some pistachios?" "And another one of those." "What are you doing?" "Calm down." "I've never seen you so nervous." "Keep an eye on them, Shay." "A close eye." "I'm ready for commitment." "First time I set eyes on Mary Swanson," "I got that old-fashioned romantic feeling, where l'd do anything to bone her." "That's a special feeling, Lloyd." "Oh, my!" "There she is." "Wow!" "You weren't kidding." "She's an angel." "What are you waiting for?" "Go talk to her." "She'll think I'm psycho when she finds out how far I came." "You know what you have?" "Her briefcase." "She'll be thrilled." "Wait!" "I have an idea." "Why don't you go over, introduce yourself, and build me up so I won't have to brag about myself later." "Tell her I'm rich, I'm good looking... and..." "I have a rapist wit." "No, I don't think I could." " L'm not." "No." " Come on." "Please." "Stop." "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to hang by the bar." "Put out the vibe." "Nice set of hooters you got." "I beg your pardon?" "The owls, they're beautiful." "Are you a bird lover?" "Me?" "Oh, no." "I used to have a parakeet, but now my main area of expertise is canines." "'Dogs', to the layperson." "Thanks." "I love dogs, too." " How are you involved with them?" " L've trained them." "Bathed them, clipped them." "I've even bred them." "Really?" "Any unusual breeding?" "No, mostly just doggie-style." "Once, we successfully mated a bulldog with a shitzu." "Really?" "That's weird." "Yeah, we called it a 'bullshit'." "Anyway, the real reason" "I came over here... was to introduce you to a buddy of mine." "Mary, I don't believe I've met your friend." "We haven't been properly introduced." " My name's Mary Swanson." " Harry Dunne." "Nice to meet you." "My stepmother Helen." "Harry Dunne." "Pleasure to meet you both." "I was hoping I'd get a chance to meet you." "Oh, you were?" "Really?" "That tuxedo." "It's fabulous!" "I love a man with a sense of humor." "And so does Mary." "It's hysterical." " Really?" " Oh, yes." " About my friend..." " What are you doing tomorrow?" "Mary needs someone to hit the slopes with." "She what?" " You're embarrassing me." " Yeah, well you do." "The snow'll be gone in a couple of weeks." "This may be your last chance." "She never goes out." "Well, Mr. Dunne." "Are you available?" " My friend..." " Forget your friend for one day." "You'll have a wonderful time." "What do you say?" "I don't know." "The thing is..." "Sure." "What time?" "How come you didn't bring her over?" "Relax, you're golden." "I got you a date with her tomorrow." "What?" "I can't..." "I love you, man." "Okay, you're kissing me." "You're kissing me." "This calls for a little of the bubbly." " You're gonna be my best man." " Oh, good." "I promise." "You just earned yourself a seat at the head of the table." "We already got the tuxes." "Boy, this party really died." "Maybe it was a coincidence." "'Maybe it was a coincidence.'" "It was a message, Shay, pure and simple." "We killed their bird, now they killed one of ours." "How can anybody whack a bird with a cork?" "These guys aren't just anybody." "They're good." "Coming!" "Nice going, buddy." "Ma'am." "Beautiful outfit, sir." "There you go." "How you doin'?" "You're early." "We don't open for 45 minutes." "I'm meeting someone here." "Mind if I wait at the bar?" "No." "Come on in." "It's a beautiful day, huh?" "Yes, I've had a wonderful time so far, thank you." "God, it feels so good to get up here." "I haven't been outside much lately." "Oh, yeah?" "Why not?" "There's been some... family problems." "I don't want to bore you with those." "Thanks." "Oh, look." "Frost." "Are you okay?" "I do this all the time." "Hi there." "Say, kids..." "You don't have a cup of warm water, do you?" "Excuse me." "Is it 10 AM yet?" "It's 1.00." "That's what I have too." "I thought maybe it was fast." "She's late?" "Just a couple of hours." "You know girls." "When they're excited about something, everything has to be perfect." "This one is on me." "Yippie." "Chablis, please." "Hello." "Bad day, huh?" "Me too." "It's been bad since I broke up with my boyfriend." "My God!" "You poor guy." "Does it hurt?" "Oh, no." "L'm fine." "I saved a seat for you." "Oh, no." "This is silly." "Let me help you." "It'll only hurt for a moment." "Come on." "Ready?" "Come on." "Go!" "Come on." "Come on." "I thought: 'Run for your life before he kills you both.'" "You know what the klutz did?" "No, and I don't care." "He came home one night dead drunk and he wanted to fix the sink." "I couldn't believe him." "Enough of me." "Let's talk about you." "Bartender." "You wouldn't happen to know a Mary Swanson?" "Mary Swanson?" "Yeah, she comes in here all the time." " What's that supposed to mean?" " She has dinner." "I'm sorry." "Do you know where she lives?" "Her family has the big place up on Alpine Drive." "Alpine Drive?" "Big place?" "MAN WALKS ON THE MOON" "No way!" "That's great!" "We landed on the Moon!" "Today was just what I needed." "Thanks a lot." "It was pleasure, Mary." "You'll pick me up tonight, at 7.45?" "No, I've got some things to take care of first." "Let's make it quarter to eight." "Stop it." "Okay, 7.45." "Bye." "It doesn't make sense." "She told me 10 o'clock, sharp." "You sure you went to the right bar?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm pretty sure." "Lobby bar, right in the lobby." "Well..." "Maybe she had a change of heart." "That pisses me off." "That pisses me right off." "I hate when women do that." "She wanted to see you again." "She told me." "And now, no." "Wait a minute." "Wait." "She must have meant 10 at night!" "Do you think?" "Why meet at a bar at 10 in the morning?" "I figured she was a raging alcoholic." "And I've been going through such pain and anguish." "Such hell!" "For nothing!" "God, that's funny." "Oh, that's good stuff." "Well, listen..." "Your night's planned, so I'll go catch a flick." "Okay." "Ten in the morning." "Harry, old buddy, old pal." "Join me in a good luck toast before you go?" "Sure." "Whatever you think will help your chances." "Yes, siree." "You know why I like you?" "'Cause you're a regular guy." "That's why I want you to stay regular." "One half teaspoon for fast, effective relief." "To my friend, Harry." "The matchmaker." "Get out of here." "Hi, the door's open." "Come upstairs." "Make yourself at home." "I'm almost ready." "One minute." "Sounds good." "Harry?" "Are you in there?" "Be right out." "Don't use the toilet." "It's broken." "The toilet doesn't flush." "No, I was just shaving." "Shaving?" "I was running late." "I thought this would save time." "I'll be in the kitchen." "Oh, Jeez." "Tomorrow, inside the home of the Menendez brothers' attorney." "We'll be back with the heartbreaking story of the blind Rhode Island boy who was duped into buying a dead parakeet." "I just thought he was real quiet." "Who are these sick people?" "Hi." "Remember me?" "Not really." "Providence." " I drove you to the airport." " Oh, my God." "Lloyd, right?" "You remembered my name." " Why are you in Aspen?" " I brought your briefcase." "You left it in the airport, you big goof." "You have my briefcase?" "It's at my hotel." "Jump on the bike and we'll get it." "Unless..." "Unless you're busy." "I'll..." "No." "You wait right here." "No." "I don't want to..." "Come on." "Flush, you bastard." "What are you doing in there?" "I'm just cleaning my teeth." "Sorry, something important has come up." "I must run out." " An emergency." "L'll explain later." " But Mary..." "I'm sorry." "I've got to go." "I promise we'll do this again." "Race you to the top." "I won." "Look familiar?" "I don't believe you have it!" "Of course I have it." "If I drive a woman to the airport, I make sure she gets her luggage." "That's my whole philosophy." "This is incredible." "You drove 2,000 miles... just for me?" "I didn't really have... a lot to do." "And I know how frustrating it is to lose a bag." "That is so sweet, Lloyd." "Look, this may seem sudden, but I've given it some thought." "I've waited for you all my life, and I'm not ashamed to admit it." "Please..." "Let me finish." "I'm crazy about you." "I've never felt this way about anybody." "Listen to me." "I feel like a schoolboy again, who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you." "I thought you were talking to someone." "I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy." " Maybe I should be going." " No." "That's not what I meant." "What I meant was..." "I like you, Mary." "I like you a lot." "I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me an honest answer." "What do you think the chances are of... a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?" "Difficult to say." "We really don't..." "Hit me with it." "Give it to me straight." "I came a long way to see you." "You can at least level with me." "What are my chances?" "Not good." "You mean 'not good' like one out of 100?" "I'd say, more like one out of a million." "So you're telling me there's a chance?" "I read you." " We have plenty of towels, thanks." " Nicholas!" "Why are you here?" "I was looking for you." "I have news about your husband." "Husband?" "Wait a minute." "What was all that 'one in a million' talk?" "Aren't you going to invite me in?" "Hey, Harry." "You never called." "What are you doing here?" "Excuse me, Gunman..." "Who are you?" "Don't play dumb, asshole." "I'm the owner of the briefcase." "Oh, well." "Nicholas." "My family trusted you." "Shut up!" "Listen," "Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, we intend to reimburse you." "Open it up!" "Go ahead, open it up." "Do what he says." "Hurry." "What is this?" "Where's all the money?" "That's as good as money." "Those are IOUs." "Add it up." "Every cent's accounted for." "Look." "See this?" "That's a car. 275 thou'." "Might want to hang onto that one." "You're a dead man." "I'm home." "Look, we got to have a serious talk." "I got a confession to make." "Good." "You found her." "I'll leave you two alone." "No, stay." "A one-way ticket to Amsterdam, departing as soon as possible." "How do you two guys know each other?" " We were best friends." " Till he became a back-stabber." "Me a back-stabber?" "You got a lot of nerve!" "You knew I was crazy about her." "You knew I was crazy about Freda but it didn't stop you." "What do you mean?" "'What do you mean?" "' Don't deny it." "She told me the sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler." "What time does that leave?" "Thanks." "Wait, can I have a vegetarian meal?" "We learned something about each other, didn't we?" "Maybe we're not as good friends as we thought." "Yeah." "If one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this... maybe our friendship isn't worth it." "Let's call it quits." "Tell me where to sign." "On my ass, after you kiss it." "Kiss it!" "Kiss mine!" "Both cheeks, both lips." " Come on, put it..." " Shut up!" "Which one of you two losers wants to get it first?" "Over here." "I got you into this mess." "Come on, shoot me." "No, wait!" "Wait." "Do me first." "I stole your girl." "I deserve it." " No, you don't." " Yes, I do." " You don't." " I do." "Yesterday was great." "Mary and I skied, made a snowman." "She touched my leg." "Okay, kill him." "You killed my best friend, you bastard!" "If it's a consolation, you're to be reunited." "You're alive!" "And you're a horrible shot." " Lucky me." " Police." "Open up." "Nobody move." "Everybody freeze." "Get those... hands up!" "Not you, dummy." "Special Officer Beth Jordan." "F.B.I." "Who?" "Mr. Dunne, we couldn't have done it without you." "We followed you guys all the way from Providence." "What's going on, Harry?" "Your name is Harry, isn't it?" "She grabbed me in the lobby, explained what was up." "They put a bulletproof vest on me and gave me a gun." "What if he shot you in the face?" "What if he shot me in the face?" "That's a risk we were willing to take." "How come I didn't get a gun?" "Did you get a gun?" "You were right." "She was definitely worth the trip." "She's something, ain't she?" " L'm glad we could help her." " Yep." " Bobby!" " Easy, easy." " You're okay." " L'm okay, just a little sore." "I'm sorry." " Sweetie." " Baby, I missed your loving." "I want you to meet the kindest, gentlest man l've ever met" " Will you meet him?" " Sure." "He's got a gun!" "I said 'This is my husband, Bobby.'" " Hi, Bobby." " Hi." "I'm so happy for you." "Thank you." "Thank you both very much." "I owe you both a debt of gratitude." "Thank you." "I can't believe this." "First Mary dumps us." "Then the cops take our nest egg." "Then our hog breaks down." "When will we ever catch a break?" "Hi, y'all." "Guys, we're going on a national bikini tour, and we need two oil boys to grease us up before competitions." "You are in luck." "There's a town 3 miles that way." "You'll find two guys there." "Okay, thanks." "Do you realize what you've done?" "Wait!" "You'll have to excuse my friend." "He's a little slow." "The town is back that way." "Two lucky guys will be driving around with those girls for the next couple of months." "Don't worry, we'll catch our break too." "Just got to keep our eyes open." "Yep." "[ THE END ]"