"to a dreadful dynasty of vicious vampire ducks." "The Counts of Duckula!" "Legend has it that these fowl beings can be destroyed... by a stake through the heart or exposure to sunlight." "This does not suffice, however... for they may be brought back to life... by means of a sacred rite... that can be performed once a century... when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius!" " Batswing blood." " I'll get it!" "The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan." "Ooh!" "In the heart of Transylvania" "In the Vampire Hall of Fame, yeah" "There's not a vampire zanier than" "Duckula" "He won't bite beast or man" "'Cause he's a vegetarian" "And things never run to plan for" "Duckula" "If you're lookin' for some fun" "You can always count upon" "The wild and wacky one they call" "Duckula" "Heh heh!" "Count Duckula!" "Heh heh heh!" "High amidst the Transylvanian Alps... stands the fearful and forbidding fortress... that is known as Castle Duckula." "A castle that few have visited... and from whence even fewer have returned." "And yet even now... some poor, innocent, unsuspecting soul... is trying to gain entry to this domain of darkness and despair." "I'll get it!" "Shall I order a new front door, milord?" "No need for that, Igor." "We haven't replaced the last one yet." "I regret to say that I took the liberty... of replacing it only yesterday, sir." "Ah." "Order a new front door, would you, Igor?" "At once, milord." "It's them encycle... err, the cyclopee... enpeedyicicle..." "The cyclepeedical book sales..." "Oh, the encyclopedia salesman again." "Oh, why didn't you say so?" "Don't they ever give up?" "Perhaps, milord, if I were to explain to them... that if their departure is not undertaken... in the immediate future, they will find themselves... somewhat deficient in the leg department." "Good thinking, Igor." "That should do it." "Hop to it." "I fear it is they who will be doing the hopping, milord." "That's good, Igor." "That's funny." "I'll remember that one." "Boy, are those guys ever persistent." "That must be the third time this week." "I mean, what do I want with an encyclopedia anyway?" "Have they gone, Igor?" "Ahem." "Yes, milord, they have left." "Heh, never to darken our door again, huh?" "I would imagine, milord, that they will not be returning." "I hope you weren't too hard on them, Igor." "Ahem." "Good." "That's that." "That is that, Igor?" "Oh, indeed, sir." "And what is more... you are now the proud owner of a complete 24-volume set... of the Encyclopedia Transylvania, sir." "Oh, good!" "L..." "What?" "!" "You mean..." "You mean..." "You mean..." "They were very persuasive, milord." "Igor, you bought the encyclopedia?" "Precisely, milord." "Tsk." "Igor, you're an..." "Oh!" "Come on, then, let me see it." "Boy, oh, boy, that's incredible!" "That's amazing!" "Huh." "That's impossible!" "Well, that's stupid." "And that's..." "Huh!" "That's unpronounceable!" "Wow!" "Lost temple!" "Treasure?" "Nanny!" "Igor!" "We're gonna be rich, rich, rich!" "You shouted, sir?" "Yes, Igor." "You know what this is?" "A book." "Part of the encyclopedia, milord?" "Exactly." "Volume 20." ""Set to Work."" "Now listen to this." "Treasure, M'bisilis, Lost Tribe of the." "Lost Tribe of The?" " Lost tribe of the what?" " The M'bisilis." "Well, why didn't it say so?" "It does, Nanny." "They just put the words in a different order." " Why?" " Why?" "!" "Ha ha!" "Well, it's... it's because..." "Ahem." "Ahem." "M'bisilis, Lost Tribe of the..." "The Temple of Bhami and its hoard of untold riches... has lain undiscovered in the jungle of the M'bisilis." "Wow!" "The Lost Temple of Bhami!" "Untold riches!" "You know what we're going to do?" "We're going to fly the castle to darkest Africa... find the lost temple... and bring back those untold riches right back here!" "Ah, another sausage, Commodore?" "Ah, dashed civil of you, Major." "Nothing like a spot of brekker... before you go out exploring for lost temples, eh?" "No, nothing like it." "Ha!" "Nothing like it." "Good grief." "Something the matter, Major?" "Well, awkward moment to have to tell you this, Commodore... but, um, I fear I may have a touch of the jungle fever." "Jungle fever, eh?" "Oh, I say!" "That's rather a poor show, what?" "It is rather." "Um, seem to be hallucinating." "Hallucinating, you say." "Yes." "Oh-ho, first sign of jungle fever, hallucinations." "That's what they say." "Ha ha!" "What are these hallucinations?" "Pink elephants?" "Little green men?" "Big blue buffalo with orange wigs and aqualungs, what?" "No, no." "Uh, looks like a Transylvanian castle." " Good Lord, where?" " Over there." "Great Scott!" "Dashed convincing hallucination, what?" "My word, yes, yes." "Dashed convincing." "Tricky, tricky chap, jungle fever." " Oh, yes." "Oh, tricky, tricky." " Mmm, yes." "Now then, if you're in agreement, Commodore..." "I suggest we finish our breakfast." "Have another shot at finding the lost temple before lunch." " Good show." " Ah, good show." "All right, all right, you two." "There's not a moment to lose." "They're looking for the lost temple, too." "We've got to get there before they do." "Lost temple, indeed." "Oh, come on, Igor." "We're going to need maps, a compass... a machete to hack our way... through the dense and unyielding jungle foliage." "Dense and unyielding jungle foliage, milord?" "Uh-huh." "That's what it says in the encyclopedia, Igor." "Oh, I see, sir." "Amazing!" "Did you know that the elephant... is the only creature in the animal kingdom... to have four knees, Igor?" "No, sir, I did not." "Well, that's what it says here." "Volume 6." ""Easy to Explain."" "Quite incredible, milord." "Well, you can explain it to me, then." "Hmm?" "What?" "If it's so easy to explain, Mr. Cleverboots... you can explain it to me." " Explain what?" " I don't know, do I?" "What you said." "If I may be permitted to explain, sir." "Oh, please do, Igor." "It's quite easy, Nanny." "It's his book." ""Easy to Explain," Volume 6." "That's what you keep saying, but I still don't understand." "Ohh!" "Nanny, look." ""Easy to Explain."" "Hmmph!" "Well, it might be." "But it still doesn't say what." "What?" "What's what?" "What's easy to explain." "Nanny, I..." "Ohh." "Wow-wowie-wow!" "Another revelation, milord?" "It says here that if a baby put on weight... at the same rate as a caterpillar... at the end of two weeks, it would weigh eight tons." "The baby or the caterpillar, milord?" "The baby, of course, Igor." "Igor, I don't think you're taking this seriously." "Oh, sir, whatever makes you say that?" "Incredible!" "You see these plants, Igor?" "You mean these green things that persist... in scratching me in the face, getting in the way... tickling my ears and generally irritating me to death, milord?" "Mm-hmm." "Those are the ones, Igor." "It says here that they can grow up to ten feet in a day." "Most edifying, milord." "Ten feet in a day!" "Huh!" "I wouldn't like to get his shoe bill." "Ha ha ha!" "His shoe bill." "Ten..." "Ahem." "But seriously, that's some growth rate, huh?" "Ooh, save us!" "What was that?" "It couldn't be, could it?" "Be what?" "It sounded to me, sir, like a werewolf!" "Maybe darkest Africa will turn out... to have its good points after all!" "Yes, most definitely a werewolf." "Oh, can we keep him?" "It'll be nice company for Towser." " Towser?" " Our werewolf." "Igor, do we have a werewolf?" "Oh, no, milord." "Then why would we want to waste time chasing after werewolves... to keep a werewolf that we don't have company?" "Oh, I say, I'm most frightfully sorry." "Did I startle you?" "Oh, you don't look a bit like a werewolf." " Sorry?" " He's all big and hunky." "Yes, well, I..." "I try to keep in shape." "See that triceps?" "Years of training, that." "And I have to admit I am rather proud of my pectorals." "Ooh!" "As for my gluteus maximus..." "Yes, but, Mr..." "Oh!" "Where are my manners?" "I don't know." "I haven't seen 'em." "Anybody seen his manners?" "Where are they?" "I haven't introduced myself yet." "Oh." "Me Tarzan." "Oh-ho!" "Me Nanny." "Are you going to carry me off, then?" " You have to be joking." " Oh!" "How do you do, Mr. Tarzan?" "I am Count Duckula, intrepid explorer... and these are my bearers, Igor and Nanny." " Delighted." " Huh!" "We are searching for the Lost Temple of Bhami." "Oh, really?" "Now, there's a coincidence." "Pater led an expedition to find that years ago." "Ooh, Pater?" "Yes." "When I was a little chap... he and some chums came over here to find the lost temple." "We got shipwrecked and I never saw him again." "I was raised by some awfully nice apes here in the jungle." "Rather jolly, really." "Oh, you live in the jungle, huh?" "That's right, yes." "So you know where the lost temple is!" "Oh, yes." "Not too far from here, actually." "Just sort of keep on in that direction for a few miles... turn left at the waterfall... left again at the giant baobab tree... straight on until you come to the cliff face... first right, right again, and there you are." "You can't miss it." "After the treasure, are you?" "Yes!" "Uh, that is..." "No!" "No!" "Purely a sightseeing trip." "Tourists." "Heh heh heh!" "I see." "Well, it's been awfully nice chatting to you like this... but I must dash." "Spot of exercising to do." "Bit worried about my long adductors, actually." "Yes, well, you would be." " Pip pip, then?" " Ta ta, then." " Pip, as you say, sir, pip." " Huh!" "Alley-oopsie daisy!" "Hey, that looks like fun." "It'll be quicker, too!" "Oh, sir, are you sure..." "Nonsense, Igor." "Just watch this." "Oopsie-daisy!" "Uh, OK, all right, so we'll walk it." "Thirsty work exploring, what?" "Oh-ho, my word, my word, yes." "Yes." "Well, what do you say... we call a halt for a minute or two?" "For a cup of tea?" "A dashed good idea!" "Cup of tea." "Cup of tea." "That's the ticket, eh, Commodore?" "That's the ticket, eh, Major?" "Did you know that if a flea were the same size as a man... it could clear St. Paul's Cathedral in a single bound?" "I wonder that unappraised of that fact I have been able... to conduct my life at all up to now, milord." " Why?" " Why what, Nanny?" "Why does he want to jump over St. Paul's Cathedral?" "Well, he, uh..." "No." "Well, it's hypothetical." "Ooh, sometimes you can be very cruel to your poor old Nanny." " What do you mean?" " Calling me pathetical." "I mean, I may not be as bright..." "No, Nanny." "Hypa." "Hypo." "Hypo." "Hypothetical." "It's... it's..." "Come on, you two." "We'll never get to the lost temple at this rate." "You know, dashed persistent, that hallucination, what?" "Yeah." "Hmm hmm." "Dashed persistent." "Um, ahem." "I say, uh, Commodore?" "What's that, Major?" "Ahem." "Speaking as an expert on these matters... would you say that... ahem... a hallucination could find a lost temple... and its hidden hoard of untold wealth?" "Ohh, highly improbable, Major." "Highly improbable." "Oh, good, good, good." "Just as well, eh?" "Heh heh." "A-ha!" "The waterfall." "Left at the waterfall, he said." "Come on, this way!" "Sir." "Please, sir." "Just a moment, sir." "Yes, Igor?" "Could we rest for a moment, milord?" "I have to admit to feeling a trifle weary." "Oh, all right, Igor." "You sit down here and have a little rest." "I'll have a look at Volume 7." ""Five to Four."" "Well, in that case, milord..." "I'll get Nanny to put the kettle on." "The kettle on?" "What are you talking about?" "Five to four, milord." "Time for tea." "Tsk." "Igor, you're getting as bad as Nanny!" "Hmm. "Five to Four."" "Oh, I see." "I shall sit down here and have a little rest." "You do that, Igor." " Excuse me, milord." " Mm-hmm?" " Those plants, milord." " Mm-hmm?" "They have a rather nasty look to them, sir." "I fear they may be anthropophagous." " Hmm?" " Man-eating plants, milord." "No, just me eating a broccoli sandwich." "L..." "Nanny!" "Nanny look out!" "What's the matter, Duckypoos?" "Ohh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Put me down, you..." "Help!" "Ooh!" "Help!" "It's all right, Nanny." "It's a man-eating plant." "It's bitten off more than it could chew with you." "If it's all the same to you, milord..." "I'd rather have my rest near something... that wasn't going to eat me." "You want to push on, huh, Igor?" "As you say, sir." "All right, onwards to the lost temple!" "A-ha!" "Ahem." "Just the chaps we were looking for!" "Yes." "We were wondering if you could put us right... on a little query we have vis-à-vis... hallucinations, jungle fever, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera." "Uh, quite." "And, ahem..." "What it boils down to is, um, is this." "Are you chaps a hallucination?" "Look, what is all this hooey about a hallucination?" "I'm not a hallucination." "Nanny, Igor, come here!" "These gentlemen seem to think I'm a hallucination." "Most entertaining notion, milord." "Well, I..." "I think that settles that little point, what, Commodore?" "Yes." "That all seems to be cleared up quite nicely." "Yes." "But the..." "the only... only thing... that remains to be clarified is, um, where you stand... with regards to the undiscovered treasure of the... of the, uh..." "I say, do you feel all right?" "No." "Not looking 100 percent tickety-boo, what?" "Oh, not him again!" "Oh!" "Well, this is a pleasant surprise." "Found the lost temple yet, have you?" "Hmm?" "No, no." "That is..." "No, we're not even looking for it, are we?" "Aren't we?" "But I thought that's what all..." "Shh!" "Nanny!" "Ha ha ha!" "Oh, she's a kidder!" "Aren't you, Nanny?" "Yes." "Er, no." "Ooh!" "You've got me all confused now, Master Duckula." "I have to admit to a certain amount of confusion myself, sir." "Over there." "I say!" "I hope I'm not making... a complete and utterly silly idiot of myself... but..." "Pater!" "Are you addressing me, sir?" "Good grief!" "It couldn't be." "Huh." "Could it?" "Pater!" "It's me, Timmy." "Well, Timmy!" "Oh, my boy." "Ha ha ha!" "Ahem!" "Oh, Major, my dear chap... allow me to present my long lost son Timothy." "Ha ha ha!" "Oh, Timmy, my good friend the Major." "L..." "I..." "I think under the circumstances... um, you could call me Uncle Willoughby." "Thank you, Uncle Willoughby." "Timmy!" "My dear boy!" "Ha ha!" "Ohh!" "After all these years." "Pater!" "Uncle Willoughby!" "Igor!" "Nanny!" "Look!" "Over there!" "The quest is at an end." "There is the Lost Temple of Bhami!" "But you said we wasn't..." "Quiet, Nanny." "Mere subterfuge." "Come on." "We can sneak off before they notice we've gone." "I hate to shatter your illusions, milord, but..." "But me not, Igor." "We're rich!" "Rich beyond our wildest dream!" "But we're not at sea." "Not at sea?" "No, we're..." "What?" "What's all this nonsense about submarines?" "Not submarines, Nanny, subterfuge." "We're pretending that..." "Oh, all right, then." "Pretending." "Up stethoscope." "Prepare to launch two whatchamacallits." "Nanny, please, not so loud." "What are you doing?" "What you said." "Pretending." "I'm pretending I'm a submarine." "Look, Nanny, I..." "OK." "Nanny, just make an emergency dive, will you... and try to keep quiet." "Ooh, I never!" "There's no pleasing some folk." "You do your best to help and what do you get?" "No thanks, that's what." " No thanks and harsh words." " Honestly, Nanny, sometimes..." "Sometimes I wonder why I bother at all!" "What are you going to do with your share, Igor?" "My share of what, milord?" "The treasure, Igor!" "The loot." "The mazuma, the filthy lucre, the spondulics... the mopus, the dough, the... the... the... the... the..." "This temple seems strangely familiar." " Yes, sir." " Ooh!" "Just like home." "Just like..." "It is!" "Yes, milord." "It would appear that we've been going round in a circle." "No!" "No!" "No!" "You've certainly grown." "My word." "My... my word, yes." "Fine figure of a young man now, young Timothy, eh?" "Pater?" "I wonder if you could spare an hour or two." "There's a couple of rather jolly apes I'd like you to meet." "Jolly apes?" "Apes?" "Yes, Pater." "They've been awfully good to me, really." "I know they'd very much like to meet you." "Oh, of course." "Yes." "Any friend of yours is a friend of mine." "Ha ha ha!" "Well, now, Timmy, if you insist." "Are you coming, Major?" "Me?" "Yes, as long as I won't be in the way." "Not at all, Uncle Willoughby." "Delighted to have you along." "Good show." "Ah, yes, good show." "Ha ha!" "Good show." " I say!" " Well!" "Dashed bad form, what?" "Dashed, dashed bad form." "The chap lied to us." "Hallucination all the time." "Well, that's it." "Never trust a hallucination, that's what I always say." "I hate you!" "I hate you!" "Why couldn't you have been the lost temple?" "Why me?" "Why?" "Why?" "And so once more we leave Castle Duckula... as the evil Count turns from fiend to foe... that's Volume 5... and I turn to you to say... good night out there, whatever you are." "If you're feeling..." "Or you're kind of..." "Could be you've met up with" "Duckula" "If your knees go..." "And your teeth go..." "Maybe you've bumped into" "Duckula" "He flies through the night" "Looking for a bite" "But he's back home by daylight" "Duckula" "If you're sort of..." "Or you're a little..." "It's certain you've run into" "Duckula" "If your heart goes..." "Or your mind goes..." "Man, you had a brush with" "Duckula" "So watch out for the..." "Beware of the..." "And pray you'll never meet with" "Duckula" "Count Duckula"