"Evening." "Evening." "Greetings, citizens." "Greetings." "Now the prologue." "The prologue." "Our story today is taken from the book the Odyssey." "The Odyssey." "Now, this is a book full of odds and ends." "(SHATTERING)" "And it came to pass... (LUDICRUS AND AMMONIA ARGUING)" "That's my master and mistress having a row." "AMMONIA:" "What about it?" "AMMONIA:" "What were you doing, you foolish man?" "LUDICRUS:" "It was his idea." "No, no, please..." "LUDICRUS:" "Oh, no, my love, I beg of you!" "AMMONIA:" "Oh, what?" "What, you vile, fiendish creature!" "Please, no, I beg of you!" "No, no, no." "Please!" "(WHISTLE BLOWING)" "Half-time." "Oh, dear." "What a to-do." "It's my master and mistress having a row." "They always have a row on this day in the year." "I don't know why they don't forget their wedding anniversary." "I think it's so stupid." "And of course, it'll all come back on me, you know." "The slave of the household." "In a minute, she'll be saying, "Lurcio, pick up those bits and stick them."" "Together." "Together." "Together." "No, well, I mean, you see..." "Well, you've been to all those museums, you've seen all those ancient vases with the cracks all over them." "Well, this is how it happens, you see." "Yes." "Thank you!" "Now." "Draughty." "Now..." "Quiet now, please." "The prologue." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Now, today... (EXCLAIMS)" "Now, today, ladies and gentlemen, we have the Odyssey." "Now, we're going to give you a story, this is Odysseus and the Sirens." "Odysseus and the Sirens." "Now one day, the Sirens went off," "but the air raid shelter was a long way from..." "Woe, woe and thrice woe!" "Oh, dear." "Well, here she is, misery." "(MUTTERING)" "Oh, dear, this is the soothsayer." "The soothsayer, Senna." "SENNA:" "Woe, woe!" "Oh, dear, she's a silly old pod." "She really is." "I have just returned from a visit to Mars." "To where?" "Mars." "Oh!" "How is your poor old mother, dear?" "Is she still in the Darby and Jonas Club?" "'Cause she was always in the club, you know." "Mars, the great god of war." "Oh, that Mars, yes." "Beware, a great battle will be fought in a far off land across the seas." "Battle, a far off land across the sea?" "Oh." "You're warmongering." "Now, go on." "Do your mongering somewhere else, please." "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war." ""Let slip the dogs of war"?" "Only the blessed will escape their bloody fangs." "Well, it'll be no bloody thanks to you, mate." "Beware." "Beware." "All right, love." "We'll do our best." "Oh, what a funny woman." "She is a misery." "She really is a misery." "Now." "The prologue." "Now." "Odysseus and the Sirens." "Now, these Sirens were strange creatures." "Strange creatures, the Sirens." "They were half women and half fish, you see." "And..." "Yes, fish, half fish." "And their measurements, or for those with their own teeth, their vital statistics." "Their measurements, 38, 28, and three drachmas a pound." "Filleted." "And mind you, they were very nice, some of them." "They were most attractive, especially the ones with the soft rose." "And, uh..." "Yes, and they had lovely long fair hair, and they had lovely shoulders, and slim waists, and thereby hangs a tail." "Never mind." "What?" "What do you expect?" "Wit?" "If you expect that, you won't get it in this show." "Oh, dear." "(AMMONIA YELLING)" "Oh, God." "Second half." "Is there a potter in the house?" "Oh, Lurcio, I'm so sorry about all this." "But I'm afraid my dear wife has no artistic appreciation." "Oh, I'm sorry, master." "All I was doing was admiring the bust of a wood nymph." "(SHRIEKING)" "(SHRIEKS)" "The wood nymph?" "Well, would she would, or wouldn't she wouldn't?" "I didn't get..." "I didn't get time to find out." "And keep out of my sight, rapist libertine." "Oh, no, mistress, don't throw that, please." "Don't." "I was just going to use it." "Now, please." "For the crocuses." "Oh, wretched, wretched man." "How could you do this to me after 20 years of marriage?" "Well, my dear, that's exactly what I said to myself," ""How could I do it to you after 20 years of marriage?"" "(SCREAMING)" "I didn't mean that." "Is there a chamberlain in the house?" "Cry havoc and let loose the gods of war." "Oh, dear." "Oh, good gracious." "(SENNA WAILING)" "What's she on about?" "She's doing the "cry havoc" bit, you know." "Warmongering." "Oh, oh, perhaps she heard about me and that girl." "No, no." "No, warmongering." "W-A-R." "I beg your pardon." "Yes." "Oh." "Oh, he's a silly old fool." "He really is." "I think his hearing's going." "Well, it's about time something did." "Well, I mean, you can't keep bashing away with every part, without something giving out eventually, can you?" "Pity it wasn't his mouth, I'll tell you that much." "Oh, Lurcio, Lurcio, I hope she doesn't mean there's going to be another war." "I wouldn't like that, you know." "Oh, I don't know, master." "After all, it would get you out of the house, wouldn't it?" "Oh, well, you forget that I spent five years as a youth in Caesar's legions." "Did you?" "Oh, all that pillaging, burning, raping." "Oh, the times we had." "I remember that one time in Gaul... (LAUGHING)" "Here we go, all our yesterdays." "Yes, they had these girls, you know, Lurcio, in Gaul, you see." "Oh, yes, I've heard of those." "Gaul girls." "Yes, I've heard of them." "Yes, they call them camp followers." "Oh, yes, comforts for the troops, yes." "Singers, dancers, musicians." "Sic transit gloria ensa aurea." "I can't tell you the fun we had with those girls, Lurcio." "Yes, sir." "Hear now the wise words of Plautus." "It is a well know fact, that camp followers did a lot for the Roman soldiers at the front." "(TRUMPET SOUNDING)" "Oh." "A stranger approacheth." "Oh, yes." "Oh, centurion, what's that?" "It's a proclamation." "A proclaim..." "Oh, it's a proclamation." "Oh, yes." "Oh, let's have a look." "Ooh!" "Look, look." "Ooh, not too close, get back." "Form a queue." "Don't jostle." "This is not a demo." "Look, you stay there, I'll read it out." "I'll read it out." ""Belli declaransis." ""Haes circemstoria ad nauseam ad hoc" ""gefilterfish... "" "Oh, must be Friday you see." ""Britannicus ad sum hic hachoc" ""funicula semper fidelis crumpitorum. "" "Eh?" "Don't know what it means?" "What, funicula?" "It's something that goes up and down." "You know, funicula, yes." "Oh, crumpitorum?" "Well, if you're on the funicula, please yourselves, of course." "No, no, no, Lurcio." "Let me see." "Oh, Lurcio." "What, master?" "The Britons have risen in revolt." "Oh, they've risen in revolt." "Yes, every able-bodied man is to report as soon as possible to his nearest army depot." "Isn't it wonderful, Lurcio." "We're going to war." "Oh, we're going to war." "We, master?" "Yes." "But..." "Yes, of course, every officer automatically takes his slave with him to war." "But wherever did you read that, master?" "It's a well known fact, that Roman generals always did take their body servants with them to war." "Oh, you shut your gob, big head." "Oh, master, I can't go back to Britannicus." "I daren't go back to Britannicus." "Why not?" "Well, I was born there." "Oh, nonsense, they'll have forgotten all about that." "They're a very forgiving race you know, Lurcio." "I see." "Oh, yes." "Well, I must be off." "If I'd known you got a line like that, he'd have been off before, I tell you." "Lurcio, isn't it wonderful to think that we shall be in the army again?" "I shall be away for one year." "Two perhaps." "Even three." "I must tell this wonderful news to my wife." "Yes, master." "Oh, he's a silly old fool, he really is." "And now he's gone, I can tell you the real reason why" "I can't go back to Britannicus." "You see, there was this girl in the next cave, you see, to me." "And she used to paint herself up most attractively." "This yellow line running down the centre of her woad." "And..." "Yeah." "And, you see, they had this pet mammoth and they lost it." "And she..." "No, listen, listen." "Listen a minute, please." "And she was continually coming round to my cave asking for it." "She was..." "Listen, listen." "Will you be listening, please?" "Now, she was..." "I'm telling you she was always asking for it." "And so naturally, in the end, I had to give it to her." "Now, well, you see, you know, one thing leads to the other." "And of course once you get started, it's surprising how many other things there are, really!" "Anyway." "Well, you just follow this yellow line down the centre..." "Anyway the point was..." "Listen a minute." "Her father came round, her father, and said, "You're gonna marry my daughter."" "I said, "I'm not." He said, "You are." "You've got to marry my daughter or I'll kill you."" "You see, so I fled from Britannicus, because there was no sense in me and the daughter both being in trouble." "So, you see..." "Listen, no, listen." "The thing was this, you see, that I had made up my mind definitely," "I would not marry before the age of 12." "And I intended to..." "Well, that's the reason, of course, that I can't, I daren't go back to Britannicus." "I must... 'Cause of the girl, you see." "Mustn't go..." "NAUSIUS:" "Lurcio, Lurcio?" "Oh, lo, this is Nausius." "Now, this is the son of my master." "Strange boy, oh, most strange." "Oh, the smell of rampant hibiscus." "You see what I mean, see, yes." "Greetings, Lurcio." "Greetings, master." "Whither ist thou away?" "Pardon?" "Whither ist thou away?" "A bit." "I think it's this cold weather, actually." "Well..." "How long has it been hanging on the wall?" "Pardon?" "The proclamation." "Oh, this." "Ah, oh, you've just arrived in time, master." "Yes, we're all going to war." "Oh, no, not me, Lurcio." "No?" "No, I'm a conscientious objector." "Are you?" "I don't believe in the bloody business of war." "Oh, dear." "He never used to use language like that, no!" "I mean, even when that horse threw its shoe and it caught him and hit him." "All he said was, "Shod it."" "As the great philosopher Sophocles said," ""It is better to make a lasting peace than a lasting war."" "Well, of course it depends on the piece you're trying to make, you see, and how long she'll last." "But, I mean, the..." "Besides, Lurcio, I cannot leave Pompeii now." "Why?" "I've become enamoured of a girl." "You what?" "Enamoured." "Enam..." "Oh, isn't he sweet?" "He's always getting his hammer out for someone, this is sweet." "I composed this ode for her." "An ode, I thought you might have done." "May I read it to the assembled populous?" "Please." "Yes." ""Ode to Gropia."" "What a pretty name." ""I spied this beauty quite by chance" "The one I yearn to woo" "She was not standing on a cloud" "She was sitting..." Hello." "Get ready for it." ""She was sitting on the balcony"" "I'm afraid I was lost for a rhyme there." "Yes, well, you'll find one at your convenience." "Farewell, Lurcio." "I'll hie me hence." "That's right, you hie your hence." "You won't get much for it, but still, never mind, try." "Lurcio!" "Lurcio!" "Yes, master." "Come and get packed at once." "Oh!" "Yes, master." "You go and get packed as well." "Oh, dear." "Oh, I can't go back to Britannicus." "There's that girl there still." "Oh, dear." "What does it say?" ""All able-bodied men to report."" "All able-bodied men." "All able-bodied men." "I wonder." "LUDICRUS:" "Lurcio!" "Coming, master, coming." "I won't be long." "Quick march!" "You see, it didn't work." "(CALLING ORDERS IN LATIN)" "Marcus tempus!" "Squad terminus!" "Sullister, turn." "Fall in." "I passed the medical." "Yes." "What rotten luck I had." "I told the doctor, I said, "Look, Doctor, I have funny turns."" "And he said..." "What do you mean?" "What do you mean you haven't noticed it?" ""Listen," I said, "I get dizzy spells,"" "I said, "I've got shrivelled muscles," I said." ""I've got, I've got dandruff,"" "I said, "I've even got fallen arches." Fallen arches." "Do you know what he said?" ""So has the aqueduct outside Rome, but it still manages to pass water."" "That's not nice, is it?" "You can't beat them, you see, you cannot beat them." "Quiet in the ranks, there." "You legionary shower." "Cor!" "You look like a load of dropouts from pater's army." "Right, now, let's have you." "By the dexter, number!" "I." "II." "III." "IV." "V." "You horrible little man." "Me, sir?" "You!" "IV!" "Get them shoulders back." "Your chest out!" "Well, the shoulders are, it's this breastplate." "It goes in where I come out." "It's very difficult this." "Oh, these are silly, these armoured breastplates." "I mean, if you notice, they follow the actual shape of the body underneath." "Look, look." "This is an old naval uniform." "It's a good job..." "It's a good job we're not wearing armoured skirts, isn't it?" "Oh, dear." "Think of the phone calls we'd be getting in." "Never mind." "(TRUMPET SOUNDING)" "Right, standby, CO's inspection!" "Clothes up!" "Oh, that sort of inspection?" "Not your tunic!" "Oh!" "Present arms!" "Hello, here's Charlton Heston." "What a magnificent ass." "Third Pompeian Foot and Mouth present, ready for inspection, sir!" "Thank you, Sergeant." "Who is this man?" "IV, sir!" "Oh, I wish they wouldn't keep calling me that." "It's giving me a complex." "Silence!" "Oh, it's me, master." "Every Roman soldier is just to be identified only by a number!" "Understand?" "Yes, master." "Don't keep calling me "master"." "I'm General Ludicrus!" "General, sir, yes." "Yes!" "What's wrong with your weapon?" "Pardon?" "Well, what the hell's the use of that?" "Yes, it does seem pretty pointless." "Pointless." "Don't bother." "Shut up!" "Beg your pardon, sir." "After you." "Thank you, Sergeant." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "Now then, how did you come to lose the top off your weapon?" "Ah, well, listen..." "Ah, well, now, you see, the thing was I took it to this armourer." "It was a mistake." "Now, where's the mistake in that, man?" "Well, you see, before he was called up, the armourer was a rabbi." "And it was very, very difficult, you see." "Imbecile!" "Put this man on a charge, Sergeant!" "Oh!" "Extra guard duty." "Sir." "Oh, master." "General!" "General, you see." "Isn't it marvellous how men alter, soon as they get into uniform?" "General!" "Look at him, all wind and pips." "Right, men, pay attention!" "Now then, men, I'm happy to tell you, that after only three months, the campaign in Britain is nearly over." "ALL:" "Hooray." "Yes!" "We've got these mangy Britons and the Queen they call Boadicea on the run!" "ALL:" "Hooray!" "There remains nothing now but mopping up operations." "Yeah, mopping up, that'll be me again." "Still, someone has to keep the ablutions clean, I suppose." "Now then, men, tonight you can relax." "Released from the horrors of war that have snatched us from the arms of our wives and our loved ones." "Oh, and talking of loved ones, Sergeant." "Sir." "Isn't it time we saw some of these camp followers?" "I believe there's a batch on the way, sir." "Splendid." "Well, send the prettiest one to me." "Very good, sir." "Now then, men, tonight you can relax secure in the knowledge that the walls of this encampment are impregnable!" "And the gate well guarded." "ALL:" "Hooray!" "Now, any complaints, men?" "Yes, yes, sir." "Well, IV, what's your complaint?" "Don't keep calling me IV, sir." "It's driving me up the wall." "Carry on, Sergeant." "Sir!" "IV?" "Yes, sir." "I believe you were born in this benighted Britannicus, eh?" "Yes, I was sold into slavery." "Yes, another British export reject, eh?" "Ah, dear, dear, dear, I've offended you." "Oh, don't apologise, Sergeant." "We Britons are used to it." "They say "Rule Britannia", and it's true." "Anybody can." "Hey, Sergeant." "Yes?" "Here comes some of the camp followers." "Right!" "Open the gates!" "(ALL CLAMOURING)" "This is it." "This is the bit you've been waiting for." "This is where it..." "This is where it starts to get mucky now." "Kids, get your parents to bed now." "Look, oh, will you excuse me, I must go and join them because, ooh..." "Well, I'm only flesh and blood, you know." "Yes, I am." "I'm only flesh and blood, after all." "I hope there's a girl, though, who likes boneless men." "Excuse me." "Oh, it's getting really permissive." "Oh, dear." "There's only seven, there's one missing." "Not enough to go round." "Some will have to go without." "Oh, it'll be the master." "It'll be wasted on him anyway." "Wasted on him." "Excuse me." "All right now, break this up." "Let's get organised!" "Well, ladies, Sergeant Junkus at your service." "You all go along with the lads to the canteen." "We'll soon have you all sorted out, eh?" "Thank you, sir." "Not you, string bean!" "You stay put here." "And let's see." "Ah, yes, you lady, if you don't mind." "Oh, is she for me?" "She is not." "Oh." "You take her to the CO." "Get back to this gate on guard duty, right?" "Yes." "Yes, Sergeant." "Right." "Oh, dear." "Isn't it marvellous?" "No wonder they call me rear guard IV." "Look." "Well, I'm not taking her into that General's tent, in that tent there, without having a dabble myself." "Hello." "She's all covered up." "I must get to the bottom of this." "Ah..." "I'm ready, soldier." "Oh!" "It's my mistress, Ammonia." "Well, hurry up, soldier." "What are you waiting for?" "Well, whatever it is, I'm not going to get it now." "That's for sure." "Lurcio!" "Oh, Lurcio, is it really you?" "Yes, mistress." "I'm flabbergasted." "I really am flabbergasted." "What are you doing thus, a camp follower?" "My gast has never been so flabby." "Well, really, Lurcio, it's the first camp I've ever followed, truly." "Well, it's disgraceful, mistress." "Go home from whence you came, please." "Without giving comfort to one brave Roman soldier?" "No, I won't have it." "If you stay here, I don't see how you can avoid it." "Oh, Lurcio, stop muttering and do as your Sergeant said." "Take me to the General." "But, your husband..." "What?" "What, my husband, he isn't here is he?" "Well, he's..." "Well, that's all right then, Lurcio." "It's all right." "Don't worry, then." "He'll never find out." "I wouldn't bank on that, mistress." "I..." "And, Lurcio, obey orders at once, or I'll have you publicly flogged." "Flogged?" "Flogged." "Oh, dear." "That's the first time she ever spoke to me like that." "Isn't it marvellous the way women change when they go abroad?" "They go mad on their own, don't they?" "It's these foreign climes." "She's got her climbing boots on already, can you see?" "No..." "Well, I mean, I can't take her into the tent, there, to have a bit of fun." "I mean, listen a minute, I can't let her have a bit of fun with her husband, can I?" "I mean, of course I can't." "I mean, look..." "MAN:" "Yes, go on." "Eh?" "MAN:" "Yes." "What, in the tent, with her own husband?" "Oh, I can't." "Oh, shall I?" "WOMAN:" "Yeah." "Well, let's take a vote on it." "We'll take a vote." "And remember folks, it's your votes that count." "Now, hands up all those who think I should take her in the tent." "Hands up." "Yes." "Up in the air, sir." "Do you mind?" "I'm sorry, madam." "There's always one." "I'm so sorry." "Now, all those who think I should keep her outside." "Oh, all right then." "You've all voted inside." "Twelve million to three." "All right." "Mistress." "Oh, yes." "I'll go inside now and see if the General's ready for it." "Ready for you, I mean." "Yes." "Excuse me." "Who is it?" "Oh, Lurcio, it's you." "I wish you'd knock before you come in." "Knock on a tent?" "Now that you're here, what is it?" "Well, master, your camp follower waits without." "What?" "And I wait without within?" "Yes, master." "Well, don't stand there chuntering, Lurcio!" "Bring her in." "Master, master, master, could I make a suggestion?" "Could I make a suggestion?" "Look, before I bring her in, could I suggest that you douse the lights?" "What?" "Then the place will be pitch black in here." "Precisely." "But the thing is, you see, she's very shy, you see." "And she's a high-born lady." "Oh!" "High-born." "Yes, her mother was up Vesuvius at the time." "Oh, well, leave her to me, Lurcio." "I'm nothing, if not a gentleman." "That's why I've always said, that you are nothing, sir." "And the thing is, look, could I suggest that you don't talk to her." "Don't ask her any awkward questions." "Oh, don't worry, Lurcio." "Mum's the word." "All right?" "Yes." "How right you are, sir." "Yes." "Oh, Lurcio, I'm glad she's a lady." "I appreciate class." "Yes, well, I promise you, master." "You're going to learn a lot in this class." "Yes." "Mistress." "Oh, is he ready for me, Lurcio?" "Oh, yes, mistress." "Look, may I be suggestive?" "I mean, could I suggest that..." "Look, he's a very strong, silent type." "You understand what I mean?" "He's a military man." "A man of action." "Military man, you see." "No talking after lights out." "Oh!" "Oh, how absolutely wonderful." "Oh, no, Lurcio." "I promise I won't say one word." "I'm sure it will be better that way." "Well, it may not be better, but it might last a little longer." "Will you come this way, mistress?" "Oh, right." "Mind you don't trip." "Yes." "Mind the foliage." "Yes." "Good luck." "Oh, dear, I'm a little devil, aren't I?" "Well, this is better than the Odysseus and the Sirens, isn't it?" "(WOMAN CHUCKLES)" "(MIMICKING WOMAN)" "Well, it is, isn't it?" "Well, it's all you're gonna get." "So you may as well make the best of it." "Listen, imagine their faces when they find out who's who, and what's what." "MAN:" "I say!" "You in there." "Roman." "There's someone outside the gate." "MAN WITH NORTHERN ACCENT:" "Hey, Roman, come here." "Eh?" "Will you come here a minute?" "Oh, it's a foreigner." "It's a fugitive from Coronation Stratus." "Just a second." "Wait a minute." "I got a book here, let's see." "There we are." ""Halt!" "Who goes there?"" "MAN:" "We are halted!" "Oh." "Well, "Who goes there, then?"" "Well, if we're halted we can't very well go anywhere, can we?" "So much for the book." "All right, what do you want?" "We're two poor defeated Britons, and we brought you a present from our queen, Boadicea." "Oh, a present from Boadicea." "How nice." "Well, shove it through the letter box." "I can't." "It's too big." "Oh, they are boastful, these Britons, aren't they?" "I'll open the door, release the shutters." "Come in, bring it..." "There we are." "There we are." "Bring it in." "Isn't that nice?" "Park it over there." "That's right." "There's a vacant lot." "Yes." "There you are, Roman." "Here's your pressie." "It's just what we wanted." "What is it?" "Well, surely you've heard of the Trojan horse?" "The Trojan horse?" "Yes." "Well, this is a Jersian cow." "I thought it was something or udder." "Something or udder!" "Come on, don't doze off." "Come on." "Oh, please yourselves." "What?" "Excuse me." "Yes." "We must go now." "We have to get back to Salisbury." "Oh, haven't you got a hairy bra." "Look at that." "Never mind." "Well, very nice to have met you." "Ta." "Yes." "Pleasure." "Going back to Salisbury?" "Yes." "Oh, what's..." "How is Salisbury?" "Divine." "Absolutely divine." "Ooh!" "Another camp follower here, I think." "How is that temple they're building there getting on?" "Stonehenge?" "Yes." "Well, it's been a great disappointment." "Has it?" "Oh." "Terribly, terribly damp." "Oh, you see I told them before they must put a roof on it." "It's so silly." "It's bound to get damp." "It's these modern buildings, you see." "Well, bye-bye." "Oh!" "Wait a minute, you've dropped your handbag." "Ta." "Oh, dear." "Bye-bye." "Ooh!" "Oh, definitely." "Definitely." "I expect..." "I suspected all through the rehearsals." "Definitely." "Right, now, I'll just shutter the gate, here." "That's it." "Shan't keep you long." "There we are." "Well, there we are." "What a funny pressie, isn't it?" "What a funny pressie?" "I wonder what it's for." "It's a well known fact, the British hold a weird and incomprehensible festival called Cowes Week." "What's going on in there?" "Why no screams?" "They must have found out by now." "I can't understand this." "Lurcio." "Oh, Lurcio." "Oh, mistress." "Oh, I'm very sorry, it was a dirty trick I played on you." "Oh, Lurcio, what a man." "Such vigour." "Such what?" "Such vigour." "He must've been eating the donkey's oats." "Oh, I have never known his like." "Oh, well, I think you have, mistress, actually, yes." "Oh, no, Lurcio, now I can return home to Pompeii." "Yes, mistress." "This is an experience I shall treasure all my life." "Yes, mistress." "Oh, Lurcio, thank you." "Yes, mistress." "Lurcio!" "Lurcio!" "Lurcio!" "Has she gone?" "Yes, master." "Master, I've been a very naughty slave." "Oh, Lurcio, I'm eternally in your debt." "Yeah, well, didn't you know who she was?" "No." "She was marvellous." "Well, I know they're all alike in the dark, but this is ridiculous, isn't it?" "Oh, oh, Lurcio, what is this?" "Ah, that's a pressie, sir, from Queen Boadicea and the Britons." "A pressie?" "What is it?" "Yes." "Eh?" "What is it?" "It's a Jersey moo, you see." "A Jersey moo?" "Yes." "Well, why has it got a door in its side?" "Well, I suppose that's so it can leave its milk outside, you see." "(ALL SCREAMING)" "LUDICRUS:" "Oh, it's a trick!" "We are surprised!" "Lurcio, Lurcio, we are surprised." "(CLAMOURING)" "Up Boadicea!" "Oh, this is exciting, isn't it?" "Wait a minute." "This is exciting, isn't it?" "Isn't this exciting?" "Wait a minute!" "Wait a minute, I'm talking!" "Sorry." "Now, this is exciting, I've been rehearsing this for weeks." "Mind you, it's no better now." "Oh, yes, here we are." "Wait a minute." "What are you doing, master?" "I'm surrendering." "Oh, well, I may as well as well." "What's the point?" "(WOMEN SCREAMING)" "Now, who is your commanding officer?" "The General, sir." "I am." "What do you propose to do with us?" "As soon as our Queen arrives..." "I thought your queen had already arrived." "As soon as Queen Boadicea arrives, you'll be publicly beheaded." "(TRUMPET SOUNDING)" "Queen Boadicea has arrived!" "Oh, I didn't know she played the trumpet." "Kneel down and prepare for the sword." "Oh, no, don't." "Please don't." "Kneel down, you're going to be publicly beheaded." "Oh, not now." "Yes." "Beheaded?" "Yes." "What, the heads..." "Oh, no!" "Oh, no, please, beheaded!" "Well, what are you waiting for?" "You don't think you're going see it actually it being done, do you?" "This is not a cultural programme." "Now, to Pompeii." "Be off!" "Oh, all these months away, and still no word from my husband." "I fear I shall never see him again." "Only a few yards to go now." "I told you it'd be all right once we crossed the Alps." "Oh, yes." "Oh." "Oh, Lurcio, once back in civia strata." "Oh, yes." "Can it be?" "Dearest one." "Oh." "My beloved wife, all these months I thought of but one thing." "Oh, then come inside, dearest, and you shall have it." "Oh, he did miss his Sunday supplement." "Course I know what you're wondering." "You're wondering how we escaped being beheaded, aren't you?" "Well, no, you won't believe this." "You won't believe this, but, you see, this..." "I had to laugh myself, and I'm in it." "But you see." "Listen." "No, listen." "This woman, Boadicea, the Queen Boadicea, turned out to be my old girlfriend." "You know, from the next cave." "Yes." "And of course, for old time's sake she let us off." "She forgave us." "And even she..." "She was very kind, because she even gave me a souvenir to bring home." "The Jersian moo, wasn't that sweet of her?" "Yes." "All right, love, you can come out now." "You see?" "Ah, there we are." "Isn't she sweet?" "What a dear little calf." "Isn't it?" "Yes." "So much like her mother." "Salute."