"Opening statements today in the trial of celebrity chef Susanna Gabey, accused of killing her husband." "The special tonight:" "cold-blooded murder." "The jury is expected to be sequestered four weeks." "Ooh, look, that's her. (laughs)" "ANCHORMAN:" "In this high profile case, initial courtroom reports note an annoyingly inquisitive jury." "In otter news, an otter was born" " at the zoo today." " Oh!" " Oh, dip." "I can't believe Jess is gonna be sequestered." "for so long." "Who am I supposed to go to for lady advice now?" "I mean, I'm having" " a real crisis with KC." " NICK:" "It's not a crisis." "She posted a photo of another dude; it's no big deal." "Yeah, but when I asked her about it, she said," ""He's a work friend, Winston." "Slow down."" "I'm like, "Slow down?" ""We've been dating for four months already." "I've seen one of your breasts."" "What was the situation where you only saw one of her breasts?" "We were playing dinosaur." "Look, I just need Jess." "Winston, it's gonna be okay, because I can help." "I told Jess that I was gonna take care of her boys while she was away." "What, you don't think I can be supportive?" "(phone chimes)" "No..." "Todd is in town." " Ploons?" " Are you kidding me?" "Went to college with this guy." "He's the worst guy on Planet Earth." "(dance music playing)" "His grandfather invented the springs that go inside pens." "He's got, like, a billion dollars." "Once he paid apl.de.ap from The Black Eyed Peas to hang out with him, just so he could look cool." "How much are you guys gettin' paid for this?" "Bunch of marijuana." "And these carrots." " (phone chimes)" " Ugh." "I just got a text from him." ""Nick the Dick"... hate that..." ""it's Hot Daddy T"... hate that..." ""in La-La Land."... hate that..." ""Excited to talk" ""bachelor party with you." "Vegass?"" "He spelled "Vegas" with two S's." "He spelled it with two?" "That's ass." "That's Veg-ass." "You see what he did?" "You see what he did?" "It's so like Ploons to assume he's coming" " to the bachelors party." " He said Vegas?" "You can't invite him, Schmidt." "On the other hand, you know, a bachelor party does cost a lot of money." "I'm your best man." "I got this bachelors party under control, buddy." "First of all, you're saying" ""bachelors party," which is wrong." "Okay, so where we going?" " Where are we going?" " Yeah." " For the party?" " For the party, yeah." "We don't have to go anywhere." "You want to go somewhere, right?" " Uh..." " NICK:" "We're going someplace." "Someplace that is so much better than what Ploons could do." "Well, he'd go to Vegas, which... which sounds awesome." "We're going to Tokyo!" "I mean, look at you." "You're obsessed with Japanese culture, you wear the kimono, right?" "I'm gonna take you where Ploons can never take you." "I'm taking you to Tokyo." "(choked up):" "This... this is pimp." "This is so pimp." "(crying):" "I just really need to know, um... (clears throat)" "I was gonna say, how are we paying for all of this?" " Doesn't matter." " How does anybody pay for anything?" "WINSTON:" "No, no, seriously, how are we paying for this?" "Boom, boom, boom..." " (imitates playing guitar)" " Who cares?" "BOTH:" "We're going to Tokyo!" "(humming Super Mario Bros. underground levels music)" "Is there a three-prong outlet in here somewhere?" "(vocalizing)" "God, I love echoes in bathrooms." "It's so good." "Hey, there's a stranger in the bathroom." " That's just Brandon." " Who the hell is Brandon?" "Brandon's how we're paying for Tokyo, Schmidt." "You see, I put a thing online." "I'm renting out Jess's room while she's gone." " Oh..." " I'm gonna rent out all the rooms." "Are you insane?" "I don't think so, no." "Do you have any idea the amount of bodily fluids that people let loose onacation?" "Brandon's a really good guy." "He's just here to finish his novel." "I appreciate the effort, I do, but we don't need to go to... we don't need to go to Tokyo." "Not for this." "I'm not willing to turn our home into a public pool." "One:" "I understand your concern and I'll make note of it." "You're not even typing." "Two:" "I already bought the tickets and they're nonrefundable." "We need to come up with $9,000." "You don't need Jess's bowl of advice, Winston, all right?" "I really do, CeCe." "I mean, look." "She's cheating on me." "KC's cheating on me." " Hmm." " The same thing happened with Daisy." "Everything's all good, then all of a sudden, she's hiding a basketball player in the shower and I own a cat!" "I'm in a cycle." "I'm in a bad woman cycle." "She posts a picture with a hot guy, you post a picture with a hot girl." "That-that's great." "That's perfect advice, CeCe." "I know." "Thank you very much." "You're welcome." "If only I knew a hot girl." "Hmm." "Ah..." "Trust me, it'll work." "I've done the math, and if we rent out every room for a month, we'll have enough money, we won't need Todd." "The hospitality industry is fast-paced and it's detail-oriented." "And you have the focus of a coked-up Italian on a summer day." "I'm very focused." "You're not even looking at me right now." "I thought I saw something shiny." "Um..." "But no, it was nothing." "How do you drive your car and not hit people?" "I have never been more focused in my..." "It was a spoon." "I saw the... it was just a spoon." "Nick, let's just call Todd." "Let's bite the bullet..." "No, Schmidt, we don't need his money." "Look at me." "(sighs) Okay..." "Schmidty, I'm your best man." "And I may not be a rich man." "The only thing my parents invented was a wand to push the buttons on the microwave from the table, so you don't have to get up." " You mean like a stick?" " My point is, it's my job to give you the bachelors party of your dreams." "And I intend on doing that." "Why don't you close your eyes for me?" "What do you see when you see your dream bachelors party?" " Sushi." "(chuckles) A lot of it." "Sake." "Honor." "And no Todd, right?" "Look around." "Is Todd there?" "'Cause we don't need him." "We can do this." "I want you to look at me and tell me you believe we can do this." "Do you believe, Schmidty?" "Do you believe?" "Schmidty?" "Do you believe?" " I believe...!" " Do you believe?" " I believe!" " Yeah!" "I'm gonna eat sushi off my own ass!" "Why you using tongs?" "We don't use tongs at home." "Don't forget to write your reviews and it'd be nice if you mentioned Nick." " So you're just full-blown running a hotel now?" " MAN:" "All right, let's go." "It's a boutique hotel, yes." "We are offering a premiere experience in a competitive marketplace." "Okay?" "And the reviews are everything." " So grab a vacuum..." " I'm gonna go take my 15." "It's not time for a break." "You just started working." "It takes a staff to run..." "There's no work ethic there... how do you work...?" " (phone ringing)" " Look at that." "KC took the bait." "I gotta take my 15." "Uh, hello?" "What it do, Jacques?" "Everybody's taking their 15." "Got no staff." "Kumiko, how are you?" "Hey, Kumiko." "Kumiko, you're from Japan, yes?" "Well, you know, Nick and I are going to Japan." "Any tips?" "Yes?" "Cleaning." "She's talking about the shower." " Oh!" " SCHMIDT:" "Yes." " Let me help you with that shower." " Okay, you just..." " stay there for a second, cowboy." " Please." "We're running a business here." "We're running a hotel." "No sex with the guests." "You gotta focus, here." "Hey, you know this:" "I'm a businessman first." " Yes." " I'm a sex guy second." " Okay?" " Stay focused, man." " No sex, no Todd." " No Todd." " Tokyo!" " Tokyo." "♪ ♪" "Oh." "Thought you were Nick." "Well, uh, KC saw the picture." "Oh, great, you're welcome." "And she instantly broke up with me." "(softly):" "Oh." "Um..." "I'm sorry." "You okay?" "Yeah." "(loud continuous sob)" "(sob winds down)" "(sob resumes)" "This is your fault." "I need Jess." "No, you know what, no, you don't need, you don't need Jess." "'Cause I'm here, and I've got this." "So what can I do that's Jess-like?" "You want some, you want some tea?" " You want, like, cupcakes or a cute song?" " I need Jess." "Okay, you know what, I'm gonna do the tea thing." "How about I do the tea thing for you, and then I'll, it'll soothe you, okay?" "So, how do I, how do you make tea?" "How do you make tea?" "!" "I'll fig..." "I'll figure it out." "I'll just get some water" " and I'll ta..." " Yeah." "You know, it's..." "Water and leaves!" " Water and leaves!" " Water and leaves." "So, this is hot, and this is cold." "Yes. (chuckles)" "Wet down there." "Wet down there." "Oh, I don't need to know that, Kumiko." "That is, that is not my business." "Wet down there!" "Oh, you mean down there!" "Yeah..." " Yes!" " That's really..." " (groans)" " Yes, that's, yeah, that's actually, yeah." "Let me get in the drain." "Sorry about that glass." "(chuckles)" "I was in the zone writing, and I just..." " It's just a glass, right?" " Yeah." "As a reminder, there's some plastic disposable cups, literally, right there, so there's no need to rummage through the cabinets with your travelers' hands." " Okay." " Okay." "But how's the novel coming?" "Oh, I mean, I'm stuck on a love scene." "Ain't that always the case?" "Couldn't imagine." " Listen to this." " What?" ""As his electric car powered down, the first thing he saw was..."" "No, look at me." "Look at me." " Do I have to?" " Yeah." ""...first thing he saw was her virgin breasts glowing" ""in the Alabama moonlight." ""She said," ""'Which one do you want to see?" ""The left or the right?" "'" ""And I said, 'Both.'" ""She said, 'No, pick one.'" ""So I said, 'Left.'" ""She finally showed him," ""and it was as big as a Cadillac." ""She grabbed him by the potatoes and led him up the stairs." ""So many stairs." ""Left, right, left," ""right, left," ""right." "He grabbed the bannister and then let go."" "Oh, that's erotic stuff." " Oh, thank you." " You're very welcome." "That's very sexy stuff you're writing." " Thanks." " The sexiest, really." "Where the hell have you been?" ""The parakeet was still in the room," ""but it turned out to be a welcome addition to the games at hand."" "Lose that one?" "I don't even get that one." "I didn't get that one." "Let go of it." "I have no emotional connection." " You're cracking; take your 15." " I'm not cracking." "Oh!" "Nuts." " You weak-handed moron!" " Hey!" "Who also is our cherished guest here." "It's just the weight of it." "The liquid and the balance of it..." "I'm so sorry." " I'll help clean it up." " No, please, let me clean it up." "You keep writing." "(clicks tongue)" "I think you're cracking." "You need to take your 15." "I don't need a 15;" "I'm gonna take a 15 more of work." " You need a 15; take a 15." " Pull it together." "I will not take a 15 ever again in my whole life." "I'm so sorry about this." "Take a 15." ""She took a 15 on my face."" "Focus." "Focus!" "NICK:" "Sorry about the little misunderstanding there, all right?" "(chuckles)" "_" "_" " This oolong tea?" " Yeah." "Yeah, well, Jess never gives me caffeine." "Why wouldn't you tell me that?" "You know, this breakup has got me going crazy, Cece." "So you just need to calm down, okay?" "I'm gonna need you to nurture me." "I'm gonna need you to nurture me." "Okay, all right, I can do that part." "Here we go." "So, um, maybe this breakup isn't such a bad thing." " Mm-hmm." " Now you can stop wasting your life and find someone more realistic." "Yeah, someone who's, like, in your league." " What?" " Because you don't want to die alone, so you kind of have to settle and lower your standards and find someone that's just, like, in your lane." "What...?" "If you stay in your lane, you'll be happy, 'cause you won't be alone." " Right?" " What are you saying?" "Someone a little older, dumpier." "(crying):" "You are so bad at this." "For crying out loud." "Who do we give our laundry to?" "The ad said it was included." "I suppose, I suppose me, uh, I guess." " Here you go." " Oh, dear Lord." "Where do the entertainment types tend to hang out?" "Crystal is a performer." "We'd love to get her in front of the right set of eyes." " This is all underpants." " Showtime!" "Mm..." "No, oh, no, no." "Crystal!" "SCHMIDT:" "Oh, no." "No, no, no, no, honey, no acting." "I feel that you're gonna start a monologue of some sort, and I really don't want to hear it." "I have no tolerance." " Please, I'm begging you." " (clears throat)" "Is that your moment before?" "Please don't do that." "You don't know what out of order is," " What the hell?" " Mr. Trask!" "If I were the man I was five years ago," "I'd take a flame thrower to this place!" "Pacino, Scent of a Woman." "I got the referen..." "Wait a minute." "Is that my cashmere window pane blazer?" "I know it was you, Fredo." "You broke my heart." " Do you only do Pacino?" " (kisses)" "You knock him down." "Why don't you try knocking' me down now?" "Rocky V?" "No, no, in the ring." "Tommy Gunn only fights in the ring." "Of all the Rockys?" "Baby, let's do the cop one." "Do Heat." "Don't do Heat." "I'm..." "Oh, God." "'Cause she's got a great ass!" "Nickolo." "What up, my man?" "You got a weird vibe right now, bud." "I called Todd." "W-W..." "You just say, "Hi, what's up?" " No." " Don't come to the bachelor party."" "No, I made plans with him." "I'm gonna invite him and ask him to pay." " What?" "!" "You..." " I'm sorry!" "♪ I hear the blues a-callin' ♪" "♪ Tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♪" "Is she listening to Frasier reruns?" "I'm in the middle of a fight with you." "There's this one episode, right?" "Where Niles, he's making an origami flower, and Frasier comes in and asks..." "Well, I'm sorry, actually, it's Daphne that comes in and asks..." "Why'd you invite Todd!" "Is that what Daphne asks?" "'Cause if I'm Daphne, that's what I'm asking." "He sucks." "I could've done it!" "Then what does, uh, Frasier say?" "You would never be Frasier in this scenario." " Who would I be?" " Obviously the dad, the lazy piece of dump that sits on the chair." " And you just broke my heart." " (Kumiko giggles)" "CECE:" "Well, the McQuaids sure left a mess." "WINSTON:" "Nick, I would just like to say that you had a vision for this hotel." "I'd also like to say that I may die alone." " It could happen." " Yeah." " Be nice if you surprised us." " I'll try." "Okay, look, Nick, I'm sorry that I called Todd." "You can suck Todd's gas till you're blue in the face, but I won't." "Not now, not ever." "I'll pay my own way to Tokyo, 'cause he hotel's still open, so..." "Kumiko seems happy." "You could get some money back from her." "Yeah." "I ca..." "I'm not gonna charge her;" "I can't charge her." " What?" " Why wouldn't you charge her?" "Why can't you charge Kumiko?" "To be honest, because we had a sexual encounter." "There we go." "Shame, shame." "SCHMIDT:" "I knew it, Nick!" "You weren't in the bathroom fixing the shower." "You were showing her the business center." "Okay, in my defense, it wasn't in the shower." "It was in the hallway for a few moments." "Don't refer to it as a hallway." "Yuck." "I literally meant the hallway." "And it was vibrant, if that's a word you could use in this situation, 'cause that's what it was; it was like..." " Just admit it, Nick, you screwed up." " I did not screw up!" "Well, you certainly can't charge her now." "Yes, I can." "Sure I can." "Hey, Kumiko." "Can I have a minute of your time?" "(grunts)" "(sighs deeply) I had a..." "I enjoyed our special time today." "I haven't taken my pants off in front of a woman in quite some time." "I'm sorry that the pretzel fell out." "That was unexpected." "I honestly don't know how long it was in my underpants, and that was disturbing to me." "Thank you for not overreacting to it." "I'm here to talk about money." "American currency." "Our special time was not included, financially, in the room rate." "'Cause I'm running a business." "And I can't be soft here." "I understand." "I give you money." "Thank you for being so cool!" "That's what..." "Yes." "You are prostitute." " Working boy." " No, no." "I want sex." "You want sex." "But need money." " Prostitute." " Hotel owner." "Sorry, Winston, I mean, this is all my fault." "No, no, no, no." "No, Cece, you're fine." "You were right." "You really were." "I mean, KC and I were, we weren't going anywhere." "Let's be honest." "I just want to find somebody, Cece;" "I really do." "So bad it hurts." "From my head to my turd pipe." "That's... sweet." "I got so much love to give, Cece." "I really do, so why am I always on the phone, getting dumped, crying my eyes out like an idiot?" "Well, there must be something that you can do." "Well, you know, if Jess were here, she would tell me to:" "(imitating Jess): "Just believe in yourself, Winston, and, like, be positive."" "Well, forget what Jess would say and forget what I would say." "What do you think would really break the cycle?" "I just want, for once in my life, for someone to cry over me." "Right, okay, explore that." "Somebody to just cry because of..." "That's a great idea, Cece!" " It is?" " Yes!" "This is what I'm gonna do." "We're gonna make KC cry over me." "Oh, no, no, that's not, that's not where I thought you were going..." "We're gonna make a girl cry today!" "Couldn't take the money?" "Thought you were a prostitute?" "(wry laugh)" "It's time for Todd." "Yeah, okay." "All right." "You ever taken gloves off before?" "We could've paid for Tokyo, but a business venture went south and ultimately, it was my fault because the company was my baby." "I can't believe you guys have never been to Tokyo." "I've been there 28 times!" "Where do you guys get your sneakers?" " 28 times?" " Yes." "And you idiots couldn't even figure out how to get there once?" "Ha!" "You know what you" " deserve for that, Nick?" " What?" "You deserve a one-nut slap, my friend." "You're not slapping one of my nuts, Todd." " Oh, yes, I am." " I'm an adult man." "Tokyo?" "Get that leg up, come on." " All right." " Get that nut!" "This is for you, best man." "We're going to Tokyo." "Yeah, get it up there." "Here we go." " Ooh..." " Okay, no!" " S-Stop it!" " What!" "?" " Get your hand out of here!" " Oh!" "You're not slapping anybody's nuts." "Boo!" "SCHMIDT:" "We don't need your money, Todd." "I'm gonna love my bachelor party, no matter what." "You're my best man." "We're gonna do this." " Yeah, we can do this." " Do it anywhere we want to do it." " That's right." " It doesn't matter." "I do, however, still owe $9,000." "Wow." "You guys are good friends." " Yep." " Yeah." "I don't have any friends." "No one likes me." "Ooh, why would you say that, Todd?" "I have a terrible personality." "True." "(sobs quietly)" " You're fake crying, aren't you?" " No I'm not!" "I'm..." "Yeah, all right, you guys caught me." "(choking)" "I see it in your mouth." "Look, there she is." "Hey, Winston, I am not doing this, all right?" "It is the worst idea that I have ever heard." "Uh, remember when you said," ""I'm Cece." "I'm super supportive"?" "Now's your time to shine." "Yes, it isn't like a blank check, though." "This idea does not deserve to be supported, because it's insane." "Yeah, that's what I need, Cece!" "I need insane!" "Look, Cece, it's no big deal, but I need this more than I've needed anything in my entire life." "(groaning):" "I don't want to..." "CECE:" "KC, um..." "I really... wish I didn't have to be the one to tell you this, but Winston is" "dead." "Wait, what?" "Yeah, uh..." "Oh, my God!" "Uh, yeah, he..." "Oh, my God!" " You okay, babe?" " No!" "Oh, the...?" "So you were...?" "Well, then, um, KC, you should know that Winston's last words, right before the truck..." " Oh." " hit him... were, um, "This is all KC's fault." ""And I wouldn't be dead if it wasn't for her."" "(wailing)" "Hah!" "(KC screams)" "It's me and I'm alive!" "He's alive!" " Scared this dude." " I know." " CECE:" "Hmm..." " WINSTON:" "Yeah." "What?" "What is going on?" "Thank you for this, Cece." "I needed this." " Yeah, you're welcome." " This means a lot." "Okay, but..." "Winston, I need you," "I need you to go." "Hey, guy from the picture..." "Mm-hmm if that's your real name... y'all look good together." "We out." "CECE: (chuckles) Bye." " Wait, who...?" " I-I-I..." "Oh, my God, that was so messed up." " You've changed my life, Cece." " Uh-huh." "The cycle is broken!" "It's a whole new day." "From now on, the woman I'm in a relationship with is gonna be crying over me!" "That shouldn't be the goal, though." "You know that, right?" "I want some ice cream." "Never tell anyone we did this." "Can we get some ice cream?" "SCHMIDT:" "Well, whose stuff is all this?" "Is Jess back?" "Oh... (laughs)" " Jess, what are you doing here?" " Huh!" "Jess!" "(high-pitched):" "Hi, Nick." "Hi, Schmidt." "Hey, Brendan." "Cool vibe, Brendan." "Is this cute?" "Mmm?" "Polka dots?" "Or... don't go anywhere." "Yellow?" "Mm-mm." "Wear the stripy one." " Hmm..." " I think that will look nice with your face and everything." "Yeah." " Yeah." " That's a good one." "That's nice." "NICK:" "You look pretty today." "BRANDON:" "Thank you."