"The headlines tonight" " Bottomley refreshed after three days on cross..." "Branson's clockwork dog crosses Atlantic floor... and sacked chimney sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise." "Welcome!" "On "The Day Today" tonight " "David Owen emerges shattered from Oliver Reed..." "I don't think I've ever seen anything quite such... anything so totally wanton and ghastly... ." "A mess, terrible and Portillo's wife defends crack habit." "It's cheap, very cheap." "Hello, you." "Prince Charles has volunteered to put himself in prison" "In order to highlight the plight of Britain's jails." "The prince made the announcement at some speech or other he was giving today, and said he wanted to set an example." " Set an example." "The Prince has been preparing for his ordeal the last two months in a practice prison in a Rolls-Royce factory, sharing his cell with an old school friend." "When he starts for real at Brixton next Tuesday, he'll be expected to muck in like any convict detained at his mother's pleasure, adopting the regulation haircut and activity programmes." "The prince's choice - making a brush." "I'm determined, as far as I'm concerned, to try at least, and in that sense it will be my own small contribution towards a vision of Britain." "The American serial killer Chapman Baxter is to be executed tonight in a state prison in Tennessee in the manner of his own choosing." "CBN's Barbara Wintergreen reports." "Tennessee State Penitentiary." "For some, it's Death Row, but for convicted mass murderer Chapman Baxter, it's the last night at Heartbreak Hotel." "Baxter's an Elvis fan and tomorrow he dies like a king." "I always been poor, never done anything with my life, always taken from any community I ever been in." "I figured I just want to die glorious, I just wanted to die like the King, Elvis Presley." "A special death bowl has been installed for this gruesome Presley demise." "(BAXTER) He died on the toilet full of drugs and cheeseburgers, that's the way I'm going to go." "When I go I ain't going on no 'lectric chair, I'm going an an electric toilet." "(WINTERGREEN) Like Presley Baxter will gorge on cheeseburgers and drugs until he reaches 650 pounds." "The historic weight will triggers the current and sees Baxter skip dessert." "Among those watching Baxter get all shook up is Tennessee Presley fan club president Alvin Holler." "Some people might say that this was debasing the memory of the King." "Would you agree with that?" "No, ma'am." "The King did that by dying on the john in a big nappy." "A special cheeseburger line in grim Elvabilia has gone on sale to commemorate tomorrow's pan fry." "Maybe after today that IS how people will think of the King." "You could be right there." "Press and protesters conduct a silent vigil outside this Disgraceland." "as inside, Baxter chooses his backing vocals." "I figured "Jailhouse Rock" would be appropriate." "or maybe "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" That always moves me some." "At dawn, all hope of a retrial down the pan, Baxter prepares to return to sender." "In a few moments' time, America will watch the Presley stand-in eat his sit-down meal with a difference." "If he eats too much, he may come out in a hot flush." "So, as Baxter turns as blue as his suede shoes, this is very definitely one Burger King with extra fries to go." "Barbara Wintergreen, CBN, at the Elvecution, Tennessee State Penitentiary." "Tomorrow sees the opening of the London Jam Festival - selling pots of jam, some made by celebrities, to raise money for the homeless." "With me is one of the organiser, Janet Breen." "Thanks for joining us." " Janet, good to see you." "This must have taken a heck of a lot of organising." " Yes it has, actually," "To get all the celebrities to contribute their jam has really been quite an operation." " How much of your time did you put into it?" " Oh, I would say at least six months." "Six months?" "!" "To raise money for a jam festival?" " Isn't that rather stupid?" " No, I don't think so." "It's all in a good cause." " A good cause, yeah, but how much are you going to raise?" " We hope to raise at least £1,500." "£1,5oo?" "!" "That's a pathetic amount of money!" "You could raise more money auctioning dogs!" "Well, I don't think so." "I, I, I think it's all in a good cause and very worthwhile" "You persuaded these celebrities to waste their time donating to it?" " Yes." " Well, who?" "Er, Glenys Kinnock we've got, and Sebastian Coe" "I hate Sebastian Coe!" "Well, I feel he's made a very worthwhile contribution..." " What, To the paltry sum of £1,500?" " Yes!" " Is that worth six months of your time?" " Well I think it is" "I don't think it is at all!" "I think the only reason you've done it is to make yourself look important" "How dare you come on this programme and say "Hey look at me, I'm raising £1,500 for the homeless."" "You could make more money by sitting outside a tube station with your hat on the ground, even if you were twice as ugly as you are, which is very ugly indeed!" "(GENTLY) Has this been upsetting for you?" "Have you anything else to say in your defence?" "Janet Breen, thank you." "Ultra news!" "Now comments from you, the public, in "Speak Your Brains"" " The law." " Tightening up the law." "Is it required today?" " I think so, yes." " In what areas?" "Certainly we have to do something about drug peddling." "If they ran into the newly tightened-up law, would it smack them up sharp, or catch them gradually?" " Smack them up sharp." " Sort of jerk their head back?" "Certainly." "Yeah." "Lets see if we can nail this down In terms of this elastic band here." "(TWANGS)" "Would you like to see the law tightened up to this tightness tightness number one..." "Tightness number two, Or tightness number three?" " Tightness number three." " Tightness number three, like this?" "I think we've really got to hammer these guys." "So that tightness being an average Post Office band extended over about eight inches?" "Perhaps..." "Yes, I think so." "Sport now with Alan Partridge." "Alan, you're a keen fan of the law, aren't you?" "I certainly am." "I support the law fully." "Not too keen on those that break it, though." " How do you support it, then?" " Just generally... support it." "What?" "Just turn up on Saturday afternoon and wave at it from the touchlines?" "What?" "This is "Sports Desk"." "I'm Alan Partridge." "It's a special desk of sport now, as we look back on some of the sporting highlights of the last sporting season." "So lie down, relax, and let the sports commence." "If it's cycling championships you're after, you can't say fairer than the Tour de France." "(ALAN, COMMENTATING) Dave Bradaur there in the lead, swaying from side to side in his own inimitable bike-riding way." "Klaus Binthere on the inside, pumping away with those gristle-like muscley legs inside those tight Lycra shorts, which have become his trademark..." "And I don't know what this man is playing at!" "No way!" "Surely the judges must come down like a ton of bricks on that." "Carrying bikes on top of a car is not a sportsmanlike way to run this race." "You join me in the helicopter, as we look down on these cyclists that look somehow like cattle in a mad way, but cattle on bikes." "And there's Sven Gunsoon, followed by his great friend and team-mate Klaus Bin..." "And the man with the bikes on his car is..." "Yes!" "He's disqualified as I said, and Klaus Binthere wins." "Riding none-handed!" "No need for that." "It was a belter of a season for athletics." "1500 metres there." "Cram..." "Not a lot happening..." "Quite unremarkable, really..." "Oh good, Someone's fallen!" "It's Peter Elliot!" "Yes!" "He's down." "Peter Elliot." "No relation to the late Denholm..." "Come on, Petel Back on your feet." "You can catch up with them!" "No, he can't be bothered." "It was upsets all the way in the dive championships." "Greg Louganis." "Down, double back-twister, bangs his head and in." "Textbook." "Lovely." "Let's see it again." "He boings down, up in the air, double back-twister, comes down, bangs his head on the board and in." "Lovely!" "The judges surely will give him high marks for that." "But for my money, the best punches were being pulled this season were in the boxing ring." "...as he's affectionately known to me." "Thank goodness, actually they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare-knuckle boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago, and it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion." "And I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading." "Two men fighting as I saw in the barn that night, naked as the day they were born, fighting the way God intended." "Wrestling at points." "I don't know if you've seen "Women in Love", the marvellous scene by the fire." "It kind of resembled that." "I'm Alan Partridge." "That was my sporting season." "Why not join me for another one?" "Join me." "Thanks, Alan." "Time now for our resident humorist Brant," "The physical cartoonist from the "Daily Telegraph", to cast a wry eye at the week's events." "It certainly has been some week, hasn't it, Alan?" " (DISTANT) Yes." " And so with that in mind," "Mr Brant, put us in the picture." "Thanks Chris." "Well, this week," "John Major's had to walk a bit of a political tightrope." "(NASAL WHINING)" "Sylvester Stuart has today's weather." "Starting in the south-east... where it'll be misty day tomorrow with a droplet density of about 50,000 per spherical inch." "That's rather as if the mist were hugging the ground like an over-affectionate and rather damp dog." "Over to East Anglia and the Midlands..." "It'll be a warm day tomorrow, about 20, that's the sort of warmth you might feel on a January morning walking into a heated drawing room after chopping wood." "And, finally, into the north of England and Scotland..." "A strong and highly long-lasting day tomorrow, with hail aimed down vertically from above, and there'll be a 30% chance." "The summary, then - breezes." "And that's all the weather." "The law." "We're looking at the letter of the law." "Any problems?" "Um, well, I've just been worried about what I've been watching on TV recently about all these fit-ups." " What about a poster campaign to promote the letter of the law?" " Yeah, I think that'd be a good idea." " TV campaign?" " Yeah, possibly." "Yeah." " And how quickly would you like to see this sort of action taken?" " Immediately, yes." "Here we are in the immediately future, looking at a poster on the wall of the letter of the law." "Red on blue - what letter is it?" "What single letter, the letter of the law?" " Agh." " Mmm?" " Agh." "What letter is it?" " "A"..." " No, no, what letter is it?" " Erm..." " What letter is it?" "The letter of the law." " "J"." " "J"." "In red, on blue?" " Yeah." ""Enviromation" from me, Rosie May." "Britain is soon to have its first portable cemetery." "The cemetery, which opens to the size of a football pitch and features real soil, holds up to a thousand corpses." "The portable cemetery saves waste." "Scientists in Alaska have found a gap between the horizon and the earth." "The gap, which is nine miles across, is believed to have been caused by recent storms which tore the horizon from its moorings." "A team of civil engineers has now set off to lash the horizon back down with steel." "I'm Rosie May, and this is my planet." "Take a look at this." "This is St Barley's church in Coventry." "That sequence will be featured in a full report on the Church of England which is coming up now." "If you mention the Church of England to most people, they will immediately think of the sacraments and the holy blood of our Lord Jesus Christ." "But to many within the Church, there is another ritual - the ritual of the bullying ritual." "Ex-curate Peter Litterton was intimidated by his very first vicar." "I went to the bathroom to wash after dinner, and I found my flannel in the toilet." "Another time, I went into the bathroom and all the bristles, bar one, had been cut off my toothbrush." "Another time, he put bleach in my shaving cream," " and Mrs Cape stifled a giggle." " I see." "This is St Barley's church in Coventry." "Barley's vicar Bobby Sky is a former bully himself, but has now decided to speak out." "If a young deacon was being inordinated, then during the inordination ceremony, we would hum during his sermon." "So we would be going, "Mmmmmmm..."" "He'd be trying to speak, not knowing who was humming." " How many of you were humming?" " About 200 of us, 200 vicars all going, "Mmmmmm..."" "But while some are brave enough to speak out, others are still quietly being beaten up." "Here in the vestry of St Champs in Coventry, we've secretly rigged up one of our cameras to record some bad ecclesiastical hurting." "I'm sorry, Bishop, I'll do it again." ""I'm sorry Bishop, I'll do it again." Why are you always being such an arse, hmm?" " I don't know, Bishop." " "I don't know, Bishop, I don't know, Bishop."" " Fold it properlyl" " Yes, Bishop." "(BISHOP LAUGHS)" "Yes, I was collecting up the hymn books." "Books very..." "Well, these exact books, and I was stacking them..." "like so." " Yes." " I'd stacked up to my chin, so I was really at full stretch with about 30 hymn books, and he said, " Come on, Peter." "You can fit another one in there!" "."" "I said "No, I can't, I really can't," and he pushed one in .." ""You can fit another one in." I said, "I can't," and he pulled my hair right back, so my head was like this" "I thought I was going to choke." "Then he ran along this pew like that and threw the books and yelled "Pick them up!" "Pick them up!"" "You do look a rather foolish boy, Paul." "Clean it up." "We'll be back later." "(GIGGLES)" "The bullying has got to stop." "Stop the bullying." "Start taking care of your flock." "Pick on someone your own size." "God's bigger than all of us." "And since we've recorded that report, everyone featured in it has lost their hair." ""The Day Today"" " Slamming the wasps from the pure apple of truth." "The Home Secretary's new measures for dealing with neighbourhood noise have been introduced this week by Broxbourne police, and it looks like they're working." "Noisy people have been a problem in Broxbourne for years." "But now if police receive more than five complaints against a single household, they just turn up and release a tiger through the front door." "So far, they say the Home Secretary's new measures have been 100% successful." "(SCREAMING)" "This weekend, BBC2 celebrates changing attitudes in the last 35 years of television in "Attitudes Night"." "Well Here we are at the hanging." "It's a very sombre atmosphere." "The condemned man has just arrived with the executioner, Mr Albert Marsh, who's highly respected..." "The evening begins with a chance to savour again Great Britain's last televised hanging." "He's using a nylon-hemp mix rope tonight for the first time ever" "That's what he wanted, that's what he's got." "It's to guarantee extra strength..." "What can I do you for?" "The '60s saw television breaking taboos again and again, with "Frampton Row" the first popular weekly serial to use swear words." "I'm not made o' money, especially since Eddie Copfield and his bloomin' lids." " Oh, aye." " Go on then." "I'll have the "Express"." " Here y'are, you big hairy cock." " Ta." " Ta-ra, Stan." " Ta-ra, you shitter." "These days, it's very fashionable among young people to do what I'm doing now." "I'm being fellated by a young girl known as a "groupie"." "It's an interesting feeling and certainly quite relaxing." "Well, it's half an hour later." "My initial reaction was one of intense joy, but that's now been replaced by a vague feeling of inadequacy and gloom." "It's not an experience which I can see catching on, but neither is it one which I regret." "But while some programmes broke taboos, others, like "Them Next Door", would in time become taboo themselves." "[WOMAN:" "It's him from next door again.]" " What's he want now, eh?" " Ah, Mr Eddie." "Ah, Mr Eddie." "I was wondering if I could be borrowing a cup of sugar for my lunch." " What did he say?" " He said he wants you to give him a punch." "Ow!" "No!" "You are misunderstanding me." "I am asking for sugar." "That is why I am here." " I can't understand a bleedin' word he's saying!" " He says he wants you to give him a thick ear." " Oh, right!" " Ooh!" "No!" "No!" "The same went for Channel 4's "Kiddystare", the show which featured naked two-year-olds romping for the pleasure of adults." "I must say, it's looking in excellent condition." "and yes, yes!" "The lights have gone out." "It's a good clean drop!" "There's the hanging." "Well done, well done." "They'll be pleased with that." "And to play us out, we have Johnny Stoppard." " Johnny, what are you going to play for us tonight?" " "Fancy Lady"." ""Fancy Lady"." "Well, fancy that." "This is Condublasney Piper bidding you goodnight." "Goodnight." "(EASY-LISTENING TUNE)" "So join us for the start of the evening with the hanging." "That's "Attitudes Night", this Friday on BBC2." "(CHRIS) Coming up - more cathedral dumping in Leicester..." "There was two of 'em, two bishops." "They come along and... just dumped it here and legged it off down the road." "...and Manchester police powerless against new weapon menace." "Well, basically, one of these and one of these have a range of 50 feet and can bring down a helicopter." "Time now for business with Collately Sisters." " Thanks, Chris." " Take her off the monitor, I don't want to see her face." "No let-up today for British manufacturers." "There were large profit slumps for Securivadge and United Haha." "Down 6.4, Joanny Collins perhaps units on a lower third rung." "There was better news for Edge-Ledge-Wedge-Barge, who mustered 2.41 up 88 very slightly but Oxymacgee flew back a ninth despite a creeping bid from Connected Breathdumps at four." "On the currency markets, how did the pound fare?" "A quick glance at the currency cat." "Not too well I'm afraid, there's a disconcerting 47 degree slope against the dollar, yen and Deutschmark." "And if you project, in four months, the pound leg is effectively amputated, leading to a rogue leg with no hip constituency at all." "Overall then for tomorrow's markets - good evening." "Slightly fractuous in the nines and sevens." "Chris." "Alternative medicine has been growing steadily in popularity for the last seven and a half years." "The latest fad is sending thousands of patients scurrying to a medieval hospital in Dartmouth." "Iggy Pop Barker reports." "(CHANTS)" "Bile chanting." "You won't have received this kind of treatment before, unless you're 500 years old." "The Sancter's hospital in Dartmouth specialises in medieval healthcare and offers a range of historic remedies at 21st-century prices." "Right." "There." "This should really get rid of the melancholy here." "Sore a bit?" "Physical complaints, like the hardened lump on this woman's foot, are treated as symptoms of spiritual disorder." "I'm going to make an incision here, make the incision all the way round here and the other side, and then cut through, and then remove this..." " this foot..." " Right." "...remove that and take it away and bury it with some... gooseberries..." "This woman is a witch and is being talked through the drowning procedure." " What we'll be doing is pushing you in this pool..." " I see." "If you sink to the bottom, you're clear." "If you float to the top, obviously we're gonna have to attach some weights to you and... drown you." " Do you want me to walk down the stairs?" " Walk down." "I'll give you a bit of a shove." "(CHANTS)" "Dr Philip Yohansen is Europe's leading practitioner of bile chanting." "He was one of four doctors and ten patients killed in this morning's blaze." "Firemen say the chance of finding anyone else alive is minimal." "Real events shot by chance on amateur cameras are increasingly putting professional news crews out of business." "Remedy Malahide reports." "A common studio accident - a man being electrocuted in the face by a loose cable." "But what made the accident uncommon was that it was caught on one of these a home camcorder." "Hello." "I'm Remedy Malahide." "And tonight I'll be showing you just a couple of the many thousands of unattractive events poured onto a lens by you the public in..."Genutainment"." "First, these remarkable scenes of an audacious bank robbery were captured by Miss Susan Briers, who owns the security cameras at the Norwood branch of NatWest." "The real capturing happened soon after." "Our reality eyefest continues courtesy of a St John's Ambulance unit, who filmed this disturbing spectacle of a distressed caterer who had her finger trapped under the page of a book." "Photo-factuality now, and Mrs Mandy Hell captured these snaps while out walking her brother on Wandsworth Common." "The unnamed woman had been pierced by a shaft of frozen urine which had fallen from the toilet facility of an overhead plane." "Finally, Mr Peter Dexy of Lancaster sent us amusing footage of a baseball attack outside his home." "If you listen carefully you can hear that Mr Dexy's living room cuckoo clock happened to strike in time to each smash of the bat." "But on now to our main visual splash, real-life tales of danger and rescue, which thanks to this little child - it's a camcorder - we can actually show you each week on "It's Your Blood"." "(DRAMATIC MUSIC)" "Every week on "It's Your Blood", we feature an actual bad accident and show how you can avoid a similar fate." "This week - "Chopper of Doom"." "Helicopters - machines with blades for cutting air." "Air that's soft and easy to slice, like human beings." "If a helicopter hits the ground at 100mph, it can be rebuilt." "For a man made of crushable bone and ligaments that tear, it's not quite so easy." "In recreating the horrific events of 12th December 1992, we've persuaded the original victims to face that ordeal again." "We also use amateur video footage of the nightmare." "All bodily fluids shown are the ones which actually emerged at the time." "For this reason and many others, You may find the following sequence produces a powerful sensation in your brain and body." "Farmer Chester Johnson uses a chopper for crop surveillance and he flies it himself." "It's ten o'clock on the birthday of his sheepdog Lindsey and Chester has planned him a treat." "(CHESTER) It was a ride in the helicopter." "I knew he'd like it, so I decided to video it for him as a memento." "What he didn't know was that he and Lindsey were about to make a flight neither of them would ever forget, even if their brains were erased with mind rubbers." "At first, everything was normal." "They were up and enjoying the ride." "(LINDSAY) It was smooth and exhilarating, like an aerial motorbike." "Then Chester decided to look at his watch - a watch we later found to have a dangerous design." "The aircraft was now perilously out of control, and, to make matters worse, it was heading straight towards a field of children looking for worms." "By sheer luck, a member of the public, Mrs Maureen Tucker, had noticed the helicopter and started shooting these valuable pictures with her own camera." "After ten minutes, she called for help." "Hello. control tower." "Oh, no. it's one of our helicopters out of control." "I wonder who that can be." "It could be Chester Johnson, and he's got a dog on board." "We'd better call a shepherd then." "The steel vulture of Beelzebub was now just seconds away from the children's soft heads." "(WHISTLES AND CALLS OUT)" "Tell him to move the stick just slightly to the left." "With me." "With me." "Steady." "Come by. (WHISTLES)" "Come by." "By sheer brilliance, the shepherd/dog team also managed to avoid an old woman up a stick in a nearby field." "While the heroes celebrated, the shepherd's unattended flock caused a pileup on the M5 in which 430 people were injured." "Mercifully, the ordeal forged such firm bonds between the victims that it led in many cases to marriage." "If this happened to you, would you know what to do?" "Your chances would be improved considerably if you made sure someone on the ground had one of these." "(WHISTLES)" "It's a pocket shepherd." "It costs just £59," "A small price to pay for the gift of a functioning body that works properly." "News jiffy!" "Just time to have a quick look at tomorrow's headlines." ""Aristocrat's dung saves village from flood" - that in the "Mail"." ""Today" - "Drowned Italian wins Eurovision."" "The "Express" go with "Lord Mayor's pirouette in fire chief wife decapitation."" "Grisly but gripping." "The "Sun" - "Robin Cock."" "The "Daily Star" - "Feel my nose and put my specs there roars drunken Major."" "That's "The Day Today" on the day that Boris Yeltsin told the world how he milked Mrs Thatcher." "...out of her flabby breasts..." " Goodnight." "The headlines tonight - Portillo's teeth removed to boost pound... exploded cardinal preaches sermon from fish tank... and where now for man raised by puffins?" "Yes!" "On "The Day Today" tonight - woman describes her parrot's kidnap hell..." "She told me that a very heavy officer sat on her back, others sat on her legs, she was then handcuffed and broad Sellotape taped round her ankles so she couldn't walk." "...and new Welsh minister in incomprehensible energy outburst." "The main benefit of our emulsion is because it is competitive." "It permits the production of electricity cheaper, competitive, and hence enhance the competitiveness of British industry." "Good evening." "The Junior Minister for Health Mr Douglas Wemby has resigned today following revelations of irregular accounting and racist dances at his home constituency of Tray." "Reporting from Westminster, Hellwyn Ballard reports." "Mr Wemby's resignation could spell trouble for John Major's government, trouble it could well do without." "I'm joined now by our political correspondent Collin Haye." "Collin, a bad day for the government?" "What an aging patient called Mr Major's government needed today was a shot in the arm." "What it actually received was a bullet in the throat." "I'm joined now by Tory Chairman for Resignation Issues, Mr Austen Straker." " Mr Straker" " A bad day for the government?" " The media always overblows these things, Collin" "Mr Wemby's acted entirely with honour." "Minister, thank you." "Hellwyn." " Collin." "Chris." " Hellwyn." " Chris." " Hellwyn." "Mr Wemby's week of hell ended at 11.30 this morning when his resignation was accepted by the Prime Minister." "He then walked out of his office for the last time and left Westminster by car... (ENGINE STARTS) ...to meet family and constituents at his house in Gloucestershire where he hopes to spend more time cultivating his hobbies." "He is a keen cook and is also fond of collecting stamps." "Sylvester Stuart has today's weather." "Starting in the south-east " "Devon and Cornwall should have heavy, prolonged showers, a bit like jagged metal piercing old flesh." "The Midlands now. it'll be warm at first, but turning cocky later, at around 12, and there should be some cloud around in the shape of a whore." "In Scotland now, thunderstorms in the evening but the sun should come through later, so it'll be a bit like being woken up in the night by strange men shining powerful torches in your eyes." "In summary, then - dispassionate." "And that's all the weather." "Alan Partridge is at Marple for today's horse races." "I wonder what he's doing at the moment?" " Alan?" " Hi, Chris." "I'm Alan Partridge." "Horses, love 'em or hate 'em, from Mr Ed to Silver, that's the Lone Ranger's horse, they're all here mingling with officials." "Don't do that, please." "It's the 6.30 Queen Henry Stakes, which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form." "Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow..." "Which of course would be a complete waste of time." "Let's have a look at the betting, the going today of course moist to tricky..." "Diabetic Charlie 3-1 favourite, Two Headed Sex Beast 4-1, and at 20-1 Mrs Boothroyd's Holiday Dancer." "All the rest, 50-1 bar." "That's all for now." "Join us again later for the race." "Back to you, Chris in the studio." " Alan, have you got a tip for us?" " I was, I did have a tip, but..." "I was going to tip New Year's Lad, but his horsebox was hit by a Volvo on the M3." "Terrible mess." "Apparently, he's... he's dead." "So... bad luck there." "Back to you, Chris." "Stop it!" "That's an amazing coincidence alan, because last week, Collately Sisters, you were involved in a car crash in which you were the only survivor." " Only because you landed in somebody's stomach." " It was a rather cowy night for the pound." "It stood at 3.79 against the German bordello, that's up .5 against the Portuguese starling and down 100 against the bitch." "Earlier, there was confusion in the markets when France and Spain swapped their currencies, and trading remained succulent for the rest of the day." "Thanks, Chris." "Here at home from tomorrow, the new Bank of England £5 note comes into circulation." "The notes, which feature the head of Iggy Pop, can only be used once." "Thanks, Collately." "Coming up" " Bosnian old woman... controversy over new police shirts..." "It's blatantly too small." "I mean..." "That wouldn't fit my daughter." "...and your opinions in "Speak Your Brains"." " Firing public servants." "Do you approve?" " I agree." " In all circumstances?" " Yes." "Yes." " So once they've made a mistake..." " No, give them one chance." " and then fire them." "Heavily?" " Heavily, yes." " And who would you fire them at?" " Their governors." " So they've made a mistake, you'd line them up and fire them at their governors." " Definitely." "Yeah." "(ALAN) Hello again, The 6.30 delayed due to a collapsed paddock." "They're sorting that out." "Men and women here wandering around like ants on an anthill." "Good to see Platitude Queen, a renowned..." "horse, well known for its sense of humour." "Look at that wiggle." "Marvellousl" "Don't know what that is..." "Two to look out for - Number 1, Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels and Number 3, Two Headed Sex Beast." "Great to see the deaf catered for by these real characters in anoraks." "Couple of youngsters fooling around." "Let's hope that tomfoolery doesn't escalate into blind, ugly violence," "Let's face it, none of us want to see that." "Two fat ladies - 88!" "Old bingo expression there." "Although, these ladies, I'm very sure, aren't the kind of ladies who you'd find at the bingo hall." "They're altogether a better class of fat lady." "Look at that lovely girl there, chomping on a sandwich." "Ah..." "Not sure what that is." "(LAUGHS) Hope it's not a dead horse!" "They won't fit it in the back of a Volvo 340." "Actually, I hope it isn't a dead horse." "Sorry." ""The Day Today"" " Bagpiping fact into news!" "The American actor Marlon Brando has been sold today in an auction at Sotheby's." "Brando, who starred in films like "Apocalypse Now" and "Superman", was part of a sale of international works of art which attracted interest from all over the world." "He was sold in the large wooden chair. he has occupied for the last three years to the Vatican at just under the expected price of two and a quarter million dollars." "It's believed he will be installed in St Peter's later next month." "Dentists." "Time was when dental care... was free." "But now costs are forcing people with sick mouths onto the streets." "Last night, I went with a team to there." "Soaring costs have forced dentists to use telephone boxes as reception areas and the backstreets as their chair." "It's daylight here, and the streets look quite normal, but when night draws in, like a great dark thing, this whole area becomes the stalking ground for scores of dentists." "Up to 150 practitioners can operate under this bridge in any one night." "We saw seven of them, all after one mouth." "(MAN) My wisdom at the back... (DENTIST) Turn round." "Just pretend you're yawning and open your mouth." "You need that out." "Probably molar needs doing as well." "Hi, do you need any dental work doing?" "Any fillings, hygiene, root canals?" "25 quid." " 20." " Done." "For the past three years, Hambel has worked alone without equipment or basic surfaces." "I used to do a wet polish with my tongue, and..." "I used to blow on their faces to keep them cool, because there was no anaesthetic." "Without anaesthetic, it must have been hard to stop people screaming." " How did you do that?" " I use to hold their throats with my hand." " Can you show me?" " What?" "On you?" "I used to press their windpipe like that" "(GROANS)" "Night-time, with the police's undercover social unit." "Kids play with one of these, they get big ideas." "They see a swab, think 'Oh that's pretty cool'," "They all want to be Clint Eastwood." "Here we go." "Our old friend Mr Drill." " That doesn't look like a dental drill." " It's not." "There's two drills here, they're both masonry drills." " Can you be sure that was used for dental treatment?" " There's traces of enamel here." "Oi!" "A backstreet dentist and his client." "We chased and filmed at the same time." "He's gone that way!" "The dentist managed to escape on a nearby yacht, but the dentee was less fortunate." " (OFFICER) Look at that..." " Can I ask you how you feel?" "(MUMBLES) Slightly disorientated, obviously." "(OFFICER) OK, what's wrong with the NHS?" "I had to wait three weeks for an appointment!" "He's made a pig's ear of your face." "I've used an illegal dentist." "It's hardly a criminal offence..." " It IS a criminal offence." " It's not." " It is." " Is it?" "The next night, our dentist was back at work." "Proof if proof be need be but it's going to take more than a big syringe to cure Britain's mouth." ""The Day Today" - aware that while the world looks round, it is, in fact, a cube." "And from this, we know that fact times importance equals news!" "Coming up - controversy over new police shirts..." "Yes, obviously, we're ready to comply with whatever changes are made if they're for the better, but... this clearly is not going to work." "But first Alan Partridge for the delayed 6.30 at Marple." "Alan, either you've just had a fight with a fire engine or it's raining its arse off out there!" "Hi Chris, no racing as yet, one or two problems with the weather." "It's really quite wet here." "Really is quite wet." "It's horrible." "Really awful." "Back to you in the studio." "Your complaints." " Hello, peasant." " How do you do?" "Would you care to read loud this complaint which you've just written." " I shall indeed." " Grasp the candle." " Sorry?" " And bang on." "And bang on." "I would like to complain about entirely slack monitoring of the shape of broadcasters' mouths." "As a recruitment officer, I know it is a simple matter when appointing staff to filter out those with unusual or disgusting mouths at the interview stage." "Yet our screens are plagued with the likes of Gavin Esler, whose mouth is not only so ill-governed it looks like it is trying to escape from his face, but is grotesquely lopsided." "A balanced view from that?" "In a chimp's cock." "Surely the time has come for the BBC to face up to this demoralising assault and sack anyone... whose mouth does not conform to a reasonable standard." "Perhaps mine." "Point at mouth." "Regular, neat, and I've had the stretch marks dealt with." "Do it or I'll ram you up your own..." "fudge tunnels." "Thank you." "You ask anyone in the street what they think of Britain's public buildings and they'll probably look at you and say, "What a load of old rubbish."" "That's why "The Day Today" has commissioned a special fly-on-the-wall documentary series about every single one of them, starting this week with St Lamb's pool in Acton." "Hi." "Can we have two, please?" "One adult and one child." " How much is that?" " 85." "85?" "Thanks." "No, it's not for the phones. it's just for the pool." "Just two for the pool." "Well..." "I haven't got the exact money." "It's only..." " Just... keep the change, it doesn't matter." " No, I can't keep the change." "Well..." "I haven't got the exact money." "It's only a pound." "I can't." "I don't have the authority to just, you know, give you 25 pence." " I'd have too much in the till." " Just give me two tickets." "I'll keep the pound, but I can't let you in." "Line up along here, please... (ALL SHOUT)" "No duck..." "Michael!" "Put it out." "No ducking!" "Stephanie!" "Stephanie!" "Leave her hair alone!" "I've tal..." "Right!" "All down this end!" "All down..." "Right, free swim!" "Free swim!" " (FRENCH ACCENT) Er..." "One swimming..." " Swi?" " Er..." "Swimming..." " Sorry, I don't know..." "What do you want?" "(SPEAKS FRENCH)" "What?" "Swimming." "I, er..." "I go... (SPEAKS FRENCH)" "You go what?" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No, not the floats!" "No!" "No, they're not for us!" "Not the fl!" "No!" "Put them back!" "Put them all back!" "Excuse me, I wonder if you could help me." "I've just been for a swim and I just found out I've lost my locker key the ring thing." "Do you have a spare I could use?" " No, we don't give out spares." " It's 207, the locker number." "Well, it doesn't matter what number is, you'd better look for it." " Haven't you got a master?" " I can't give you a master key." "but it'll be in the bottom of the pool." "Go and look for it." "OK." "(MUTTERS)" "Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry, I've got to get back to the office, so if you could just give me a master key..." "I haven't got the authority to give you a master key." "We need a £10 deposit." " Look, I give you a £10 deposit, but my money is in the locker with my clothes!" " I'm sorry, I can't help you." " Give me a key!" " I don't have the authority..." " GIVE ME A KEY!" " You'd better get off to your office." "(CHILDREN LAUGH AND SHOUT)" ""The Day Today" - Game warden to the events rhino." "Coming up later we'll be microtometercandyhell. but first a look at programmes later tonight on BBC2." "And at ten past ten, it's "Question Time", live from Wembley Stadium." "Let's hear from the questioner..." "That's "Question Time" tonight at ten past ten." "On the panel, Virginia Bottomley, Tony Banks, Sir William Rees-Mogg and Nik Kershaw." "And then at 11:15, it's "The Day Today" special, this week "Camfam"." "The Hall family of Lincoln have agreed to have cameras implanted into their faces to give us a unique view of British family life." "Oscar!" "Oscar!" "What is the golden rule?" "Hello." "What is the golden rule?" "Yes, you do know what the golden rule is." "The golden rule is "don't touch Daddy's car." Turn it off." " Mum said I could." " What do you mean mum said you could?" "Mumy said you could play in the car?" " Roy!" "Roy!" " Did you tell him he could touch the car?" " No, I didn't." "What are you doing." "Touching the car?" " She didn't." "You little liar!" "You little liar!" " Roy, Roy!" "Just calm down!" " I am calm!" "Don't you..." " Get out the car!" " Roy, stop it!" "Roy!" "Christ!" "After that, a "Day Today" information special from Conor Hammil." "Hey you!" "Look at me!" "I'm driving my sports car." "Going at 50, 60, 70!" "The wind's in my hair... 80!" "Oh look." "There is a bend." "Who cares?" "90!" "Get out of my way, you squares!" "I'm doing 100 'cause it's cool." "It's cool to drive fast." "Of course it's cool." "Just one question..." "Is this cool?" "Is this cool?" "Is this cool?" "Is this cool?" "Is this cool?" "Is that cool?" "All these people, are they cool?" "Is this cool?" "This guy..." "Cool, is he?" "This guy, is he cool?" "This woman, is she cool?" "So, what about me?" "Do I look cool?" "Well, do I?" "Do I look cool?" "Do I really look cool?" "Do I?" "Do I?" "Do I?" "!" "Yes or no?" "Find out tonight on BBC2." "Coming up - 500 more uncles laid off in Derbyshire..." "My nieces and nephews just called me into the lounge this morning and said, "Sorry, but we have to let you go."" "...and controversy over new police shirts." "We've been issued with these new shirts, and I and many of my fellow officers believe they're just too small." "A week of foul-tempered debate in Europe ended this afternoon as finance ministers agreed new quota rates for trade with the United States." "In Brussels is our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan." "Peter, what is the new rate?" "It's 30% Chris." "Agreement was a long time coming, but in the end the decision was unanimous." "What was the Germans' reaction, because they've been holding out for 40 percent, haven't they?" "That's right." "When I spoke to Finance Minister Reinhardt earlier today, he said he didn't like the deal, but he'd go along with it." "Really?" "You spoke to him youself, you managed to pin him down?" "He's a pretty tricky man, isn't he?" " That's right." " Where did you get hold of him?" " He was in the hotel." "and you conducted a conversation with him about the quota rates?" "That's right." "He said he didn't like it, but he had to go along with it." "What language did you conduct this conversation in, Peter?" "German." " You spoke to him about the technicalities of the deal in German?" " Yes." " So, what's German for "30 per cent"?" " Trenter per center." " Dreißig Prozent?" " Yes." "And what about that quote you attributed to him, "I don't like it but I'll have to go along with it"?" " That's what he said." " How did he say it?" " "I don't like it, but I'll have to go along with it"" " In German, how did he say it?" ""Ich nichten lichten..."" "Presumably you mean... (SPEAKS GERMAN)" " Yes." " No, you don't, Peter, because that means "Get me a taxi, I'm late for my plane!"" "Now, i'm going to ask you a question." "Did you speak to the German finance minister about the new deal this afternoon?" " No." " And what was his reaction?" " I don't know." " Peter, thank you." ""Enviromation", from me, Rosy May." "The vast arm protruding from the South Pole is continuing to grow." "All fingers on the hand have now fully emerged, along with sections of the wrist." "An international conference will be held in the spring to discuss the arm, now over a mile in height." "Another pasta slick has washed up in Devon, threatening seagulls, terns and starfish." "These birds were among over 1,000 found drenched in linguini on a beach near Exmouth today." "Several basking sharks are also believed to have become clogged up." "I'm Rosy May and I'm sitting on your sphere." "Back to today's races." "Alan Partridge is at the, erm..." "It's his bed, let him lie in it." "I'm Alan Partridge." "You're at Marple with me." "Just a quick look at the betting." "The 6.30 has a 50-minute delay due to a fist fight near the paddocks between two officials, one of them now hospitalised, but..." "I'm pleased to say I have with me the winner of the last race." "Come here!" "Mickey Doolan." "Hello." "How are you?" " I'm very well." " Are you now?" "How do you feel about that race there?" "You won the race, the last race." "How do you feel about that?" "Well, I'm very pleased to have won the race." "It was a hard race, but I won it by a nose at the end so" "And your mum and dad must be pleased." "But how do they think about you doing this?" "Shouldn't you be at school?" "Don't they think you must be missing out on schoolwork?" " Well, I think I'm a little bit old for that now." "I'm 33 years of age now" " What?" "!" " That's right." "I'm 33." " You're 33?" "!" " That's right." " But I thought you..." "You look about 14!" "I'll take that as a compliment, you know?" " Are you really 33 years old?" " 33." "That's right." "My God!" "Well..." "All the others, are they like?" "Are they sort of?" " They're not children?" " Well, age varies from about 18 to 42." " But you're so small!" " Well, that's the idea, you know" "I mean if I was any bigger, if I was your size, I wouldn't have won a race today." "That's why you never see people like Brian Blessed riding horses, no it makes sense." "Right." "Well, thanks very much, Mickey Doolan." "Mickey Doolan here at Marple." "Raining!" "News feltch!" "Music news now, from satellite channel "Rok TV"." ""Rok TV", watched the world over by superstars like Elton John," "Noel Edmonds and Mick Hucknall." " Hi!" "I'm Harfynn Teuport." " Wow!" "It's Harfynn Teuport!" "Coming up soon, some more. but first Rok TV news, brought to you by Elastoplast, the faster plaster." "The work of he's a singer Bob Dylan is to be reappraised following the discovery of a film which shows several of his songs, including the classic "Subterranean Homesick Blues", being sung as long ago as 1947 by the singer-songwriter George Formby." "# Oh, look out, kid, you're gonna get hit" "# By losers, cheaters, six-time users hang around the theatres" "# Girl by the whirlpool's lookin' for a new fool" "# Don't follow leaders, watch the parkin' meters" "# Ha-hey!" "#" "Dylan, who is in hospital after eating rotten wool, has so far been unavailable for comment." "Hellol lan Curtis here!" "I watch "Rok TV" every day." "That's the news where it's gone." "Time now for Sukie Bapswent with her special brand of things." " What-ho!" "I'm Sukie Bapswent." " Mmm!" "Uh-oh!" "Now go "wow" for the latest sounds from Nirvana." "They've been commissioned to do the music behind the new Panty Smile sanitary products campaign." "OK, boys." "Hit me with those ultra pads." "# Once a month, you become a slave" "# To a tidal wave, yeah" "# Body's little clock" "# Could mess up your frock" "# But Panty Smile's a lovely thing" "# It absorbs everything" "# You can wear them in the high street" "# Body contours, very discreet" "# And the comfort you won't believe" "# 'Cause the topsheet is a dry-weave, yeah!" "# Panty Smile" "# Panty Smile" "# Panty Smile" "Hi!" "I'm Sinéad O'Connor and I watch "Rok TV"." "American rapping now and this American rapper Fur Q is in trouble over his song "Uzi Lover"." "During the stage version of the song in the live show, he kills five people on the stage during the stage show, live, as it's performed." "# Cop!" "Bitch!" "Cop, bitch, mother!"" "# Uzi lover" "# She's an Uzi lover... #" "I set them on fire with petroleum, and then after about half a minute, um... put a gun in each one's face and pull the trigger." "The whole controversy is preposterous." "These killings are obviously ironic." "# Uzi like a metal dick in my hand" "# Magazine like a big testicle gland" "# Bitch wanna try it, I said, "Keep her quiet"" "# Shove it up her mother... ass and fry it... #" "You gotta kill people to have respect for people." "Uh..." "# Uh-huh!" "I did the bitch in, as she lay twitchin'" " # I knew that she's a..." " # She's an Uzi lover... #" "You've got to kill some people, anyway." "You can't kill everybody... uh... 'cause you wouldn't have anybody left to respect if you did." "# He was grateful I shot his pate full" "# Mother... pig was an Uzi lover... #" "When he goes to England later this month," "One of the people Fur Q will be doing the killing to is Radio 1 disk jockey Mark Goodier." "# Cop f... bitch f... cop f... mother..." "bitch f... cop bitch f... cop mother..." "# Uh-huh-huh-huh... #" "And just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines" ""Arafat ablaze in kerosene oyster hell" that's in the "Telegraph"." ""Today" go with "Peter Collins is not a man."" ""The Catholic Herald", " Eating turkey at Christmas is like nailing an egg to the cross says bishop."" "And "The New Zealand Prendergast" - "Russia elects cobweb."" "That's it, that's The Day Today on the day The Day Today asked the question" ""Are these the real Birmingham bombers?"" "Goodnight." "The heads tonight - teenage boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly..." "Heseltine fading fast... and headmaster suspended for using big -faced child as satellite dish." "This is the news!" "This is the news!" "Coming up - "Why can't I be king?" pleads Patten..." "What is unreasonable about that proposal?" "...and mad lord says it's not too late for Freddie Mercury." "I'd recommend she went to her local Benefits Agency office, sought advice there, and I'm sure she'd find, as likely as not, that by getting hold of family credit, she might find herself considerably better off..." "News!" "London Transport say they may have to close the underground system due to an infestation of horses." "A report described conditions in the equine plague as "like an abattoir in a power cut"." "Ted Maul reports." "For years, the system of tunnels and shafts have harboured a small population of wild horses without bothering the commuters." "The only pest control necessary was performed by teams of "fluffers", who to this day still remove clots of hair from the tracks." "See the hair?" "Then in 1970 came the "crackers", special staff who had to patrol the darkened tunnels every day and kill the horses with hammers." "Now, say officials, the horses have become a menace." "(PA) Due to a large pile of horses blocking the track at Marble Arch, all services have been cancelled." "(TED) Many drivers are heavily traumatised." "Only one today could describe the conditions." "Loads of horses." "At least 30, I'd say." "As the train approaches, they start running away from the train... stampede in the opposite direction, like." "And what the drivers say they fear most of all is a head-on collision with a blind tube mare!" "Well, it's instant death." "It comes straight through the window, crushes you to death." "Personally, I think the management should round them up." "Get rid of them." "And in a statement issued just ten minutes ago, the Home Secretary announced that he personally will be going into the tunnels this weekend, armed with a special gun." ""The Day Today" - news from telly to belly!" "Now from The Day Today travel tower a mile above the centre of Britain, here's Valerie Sinatra." " Valerie, how's it all looking?" "Nice?" " Well, a bucketload of mixed blessings for you down on the ground, Chris." "Let's take a look first of all at the M18 - that's starting to clear now after that quiet stretch of the A49 was brought down from Stirling earlier on so that's very good news." "The M11 in the other hand is still very busy indeed." "It's nose-to-tail coaches, cars, pedestrians, and if you take a close look, you might just be able to make out a piece of pie down there on the road, that's not going to be helping anyone at all." "You have heard earlier on the news about the motorway pile-up this afternoon." "The M6, M58, M61 and the M56 all collided, so safer to avoid that altogether." "Good news, however, on the A12." "those earlier congestions have now all cleared, so you should have no problems at all if you want to go there and bathe a child." "Finally, a warning to speeding motorists." "police marksmen have now been stationed on all major roads in and out of London." "that means anybody caught speeding can be shot in the chin, so best to avoid that too." " Back to you, Chris." " Thanks Valerie. that was great." " Thanks a lot, take care." " You take care too, right?" "See you tomorrow?" " I will." "I hope so." " OK, thanks." " Ciao, Chris." "Bye!" " Bye-bye." "The BBC has confirmed that it's ditching "The Nine O'Clock News"" "in favour of a new soap opera, "The Bureau"." "It's set in a 24-hour bureau de change, it started just 12 seconds ago on BBC1 so let's dip into it and see what all the fuss is about." "(THEME MUSIC)" " Hi, Alex." " Oh, hi, Maria." "Didn't see you there." "I just popped in to see how you were." " I don't want to talk to you now, We'll discuss it later!" " Well, that suits me just fine." "Nice colour you've got on your hair, Ange what is it, chilli hot pepper?" "No, just a bit of henna." " You got a problem?" " No." "You bloody cow!" "(ALL SQUEAL AND SHOUT)" "Oi!" "What's goin' on 'ere?" "This is supposed to be a high-class bureau de change, not some two-bit Punch and Judy show on the seafront at Margate!" "It's all right, Mr Hennety, it's okay now." "It's just a little misun" " Shut it!" " Why?" " Because." " Because I'm gay?" "Is that it?" "Go on, say it." "You're on borrowed time, sunshine." "And as for you... you can pack your bags." "You're out!" " Alan." "Sport." " Thanks, Chris." " Thanks, Chris." "Well, there was a very amusing incident on the golf course" " Sorry, Alan." "I'm going to have to interrupt you there We've just had news of a dramatic incident." "The Queen and John Major have had a fight." "It's believed to have happened during the prime minister's weekly meeting at Buckingham Palace." "On the big screen now is our correspondent Jennifer Gompertz." "The prime minister's weekly meeting normally lasts an hour." "But today, he was seen to leave hurriedly after just 17 minutes." "It's clear that a strong disagreement took place a disagreement that may have involved physical violence." "Some palace staff said they heard loud swearing voices, and the sound of bodies falling against furniture." "One said he saw Mr Major emerge with a red mark across his face and bleeding legs" "Seconds after prime minister's departure, the Queen's doctor arrived at speed and ran inside." "Neither the Palace nor Downing Street have issued an official statement so far." "And a few moments ago, we received this amateur video footage, which seems to show that the Queen and John Major were involved in some kind of drubbing incident." "As a result of that broadcast, the crisis has deepened dramatically!" "I'm joined by our crisis correspondent Spartacus Mills." " Spartacus, this is huge history happening isn't it?" " It's bigger than that." "It's large." "I mean if you've got a history book at home, take it out, throw it in the bin - it's worthless." "The history books now, well, have to be rewritten." " What will they say?" " They'll quite simply say "John Major punched the Queen." Everything else will be a footnote." " We're pushed for time can you sum it up in a word?" " No." " A sound?" " Whaaaaoo!" " Spartacus, Thank you." " Alan." "Sport." " Thanks, Chris." "Well, as I said, it really was ..." "Shut it, Alan." "I want you to stop." "All programmes have now been suspended on all channels to allow the broadcast of this film, held in reserve for times of crisis." "(NARRATOR) Britain is a nation built on the very scowling face of adversity, its dauntless spirit unbowed by any crisis." "This is Britain at its best." "(ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF "I VOW TO THEE, MY COUNTRY")" "This is Britain, and in this glittering sea, this perfect fusion of man and mineral, we know that conflict will always perish in the brotherhood of flags." "This is Britain, and everything's all right." "Everything's all right." "It's OK." "It's fine." "During that film, we've been watching Number 10" "There isn't much going on at the moment, but both sides have now agreed a solution to the crisis, which will involving the Queen processing to Number 10." "and returning several punches to Mr Major's face." "That won't happen for a while now, so let's take the business with Collately Sisters." "How many number 10s are there in your report?" "Thanks, Chris." "There was a big smell of fear in the City today when leisure conglomerate Bottington Fiasco fell 10%" " There's one!" "...leaving the cup open for a hammer bid from Silica Fistfruit at 12." "There were no dollars today." "I'm Collately Sisters." "Onto the money markets a quick look at the currency kidney there's a lot of pressure there on the Bundesvessel, leading to a slight inflamation in the exchange tract causing a negative flow of waste pounds across all international membranes." "In summary, then - seven's a bit younger." "Chris." "Later tonight on BBC2, another probing interview in "The Dentist's Chair"." "This week's guest is Richard Branson." "You know, you're in the public eye quite a lot, but at home what are you?" "A private person, or do you prefer being a public person?" "(MUMBLES)" "Yeah?" "Well, Richard Branson, thanks very much for coming in the dentist's chair." "Now I'll just clean you up." " And then at half past eight..." " John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "John Fashanu..." "That's John Fasharnoo tonight on BBC2." "Coming up - the Queen marches on Downing Street." "There she is in a cart... and whatever next in "The Bureau", the soap opera that's got them all in a lather." "My God!" "Ange!" " Pills!" "Call an ambulance!" " Don't bother." "She's dead!" "There's a note." "It's for you." ""It's Hennety's fault."" "Look, I never thought I'd say this, but... pull down the blinds!" "I'm closing the bureau... for an hour." "A large build-up of air traffic over London has tonight jammed solid in the sky." "Thousands of aircraft have ground to a halt in mid-air and may soon start falling like massive buses." "The air jam started around two o'clock this afternoon, bringing chaos to Heathrow and Gatwick, both airports, today." "In an air jam, there's a 3-D gridlock in the air and no way out." "The planes just slow down and stop." "It's been known for years that airjam could happen, but no emergency measures were ever made." "The last-minute efforts of Transport Secretary John MacGregor this afternoon did little to help." "Is he always breaking things?" "The irony is that while these people lie around like the dead, those in the air will actually die and end up like the ratatouille which these people ate at the canteens which are responding to strong demand at the moment here." "Time now for our resident humorist Brant, the physical cartoonist from the Daily Telegraph to roast the hell out of everybody with his pomposity pistol." "Mr Brant, do something that'll make them, , and I mean any politician watching this, feel really ashamed." "Thanks, Chris." "This week, Bill Clinton has shown that, like Icarus, he can't stand the political heat." "Oh!" "Whoa!" "America now, and this report." "Milwaukee State Penitentiary." "and on Death Row, it's wedding bells, not execution yells, as condemned strangler Chapman Baxter prepares to tie the knot with female felon Charlene Gray." " (MUFFLED) I love you." " I can't hear you." "Baxter goes to the electric chair tomorrow, but not before he weds Charlene, a convicted arsonist who set his heart on fire." "I ain't never loved nobody, nobody never loved me." "When I met Charlene, it was like a bolt from the blue" "We just fell in love, and I figured well why the hell not, why shouldn't I get married just like a real regular person?" "We ain't gonna go to no altar." "We're just gonna get on this double 'lectric chair." "When I put the ring on Charlene's finger, that connects the circuit, and when we kiss, that completes the circuit, and then you know what's gonna happen." "Meanwhile, Baxter's fried-to-be is making the last minute preparations for her impending ending." " Did you ever kill anyone?" " Only my dog." "The preparations for the connubial killing will start at 11am, when Charlene Gray will walks down the aisle and straight into a sit-down reception." "There's even a wedding cake for this wedding wake, but for presiding minister Alvin Holler, it's the bride, not the cake, who'll end up with the most tears." "I thought, "Why she want to do a goddamn thing like that for?"" "Did you try to counsel the bride?" "Yes, ma'am." "She sure pretty." " But not for long." " No, ma'am." "She gonna die like a dawg." "It's the morning of the nuptocution, and everything's ready to give these newly-deads a sizzling send-off." "(ORGAN MUSIC)" "Place the ring on her finger." "I now pronounce you man and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "Clear the area!" "So as Chapman Baxter leaves his bride jolted at the altar, looks like this is one wedding where we all get to toast the happy couple." "Barbara Wintergreen, CBN news, Milwaukee State Penitentiary." "Time now for the weather with Sylvester Stuart." "Starting in the south-east where it should be dull and drizzly in the morning, a bit like waking up next to a corpse." "In Wales, it should start of nice but bits of unpleasant old weather should drift back in the afternoon and the rain will bitch down." "Things should improve in the north-east and the south-west, which will collide towards mid-afternoon, and there'll be loud thunderstorms later in the evening, about the volume of a Thin Lizzy concert." "In summary, then - aah!" "And that's all the weather." "Wise words from Sylvester Stuart." "Time now for sport with Alan Partridge Alan, you're a bit of a word man, aren't you?" "Um, I certainly am." "I like words..." "where would we be without them?" "They help you when you're having a chat." " Do you feel them as they come out?" " Yep, certainly do." "What do they feel LIKE, then?" "Euurgh... dunno Something like that." " Do long words feel different from short ones?" " Yeah...yeah" "What about significant words?" "what do they feel like?" "Alan!" " Alan?" " What?" "What do significant words feel like as they came out..." "Well..." "Er..." " Do they feel different?" " Yes." " I'm Alan Partridge..." " "Buttress" is a significant word, isn't it?" "Yeah." "This is "Sports Desk"." "Football." "The Liverpool versus Tanners match ended last night with defeat for the Tanners." "I visited their dressing room." "The atmosphere here hangs heavy, like a big smell - the smell of men together, the smell of cats' musk." " Bob Mariner, you missed the penalty." "Why?" " Yeah, Alan, it was a bad one." " It took the top of my boot, it was all over in an instant." " You looked really stupid." "Yeah." "It wasn't a good performance." "I'm going to take a shower now, all right?" " Thank you." " Thank you very much, Thank you." "Er, are you going to wash away the stain of defeat?" "Um, yeah..." "Get clean now, and look on the start again in the rest of the season." "But when you go home with your...." "when you go home with your.." "you get into bed with your wife tonight, you're going to sleep with her, she sees the stain on your body and says, "Bob, remove the stain."" " Will you remove it?" " I'm not married, Alan." " No, but you've got a girlfriend." " Yeah." " (JEERING)" " Yes!" "Shut up." "On to show jumping, and I managed to catch up with the Australian dazzler Katrina Parfitt after this morning's big horse event." "Katrina, quick word." "Let me say you look fantastic on a horse." "Thank you very much" "You're like the Lone Ranger on Tonto." " How do you feel?" " Well I feel disappointed" "I didn't quite make it this time, but, you know, that's the way it goes." "I was personally gutted because I love those little touches you had the way you turned, smiled at the judge, a little wave, a little wink..." "Well, it doesn't go on looks and smiles, it goes on a lot of skill and discipline." "I'm sure it does, let me tell you, but if I'd been a judge, I'd have been a complete mess." "What about the horse?" "How's that handling?" "Well, today Sir Danzig wasn't doing too well." "He shied away from the water jump and that's when I really began to lose it." "Well, let me tell you if you have any more problems with him, you can ride me round the paddock." " Thank you." "Anyway, I think that next year, I'll have better luck." "When... when... when you..." "How do you ride a horse?" " How do I ride ...?" " How do you ride a horse?" "I've been riding since the age of about five." "I don't think it's anything you can learn, I think it's something that's in the blood." "Sir Danzig..." "He's my horse." "And I'll be back next year, and I shall win on him." " You tell 'em." " Thank you." "Thank you... very much." "Thank you." "Katrina Parfitt." "A lady." "A fact, alone and tumbling through infospace." "Without help, it could vanish for ever." "Because only this can make it a news." "Here with comments on some of the stuff we've just seen, our resident reactor Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot, who's been commenting on everything since the start of the programme." "Just sort of gets on with it as we go along." "Let's dip into him now." "(FRENCH ACCENT) If we could see politics, what would it look like?" "A cube... but with all its corners on the inside." "Back now to the constitutional crisis." "The Queen processes to Downing Street today to punch John Major back in the face." "Huge crowds are gathering there already." "Our reporter down among it all, Jonathan Sizz." "Thank you very much." "It really is a magnificent potato of a day here today." "This is of course the route Princess Anne will be taking. she is the Queen's second" "The Queen herself will be going down the Mall, through Admiralty Arch, around Trafalgar Square, and then on down Whitehall itself to Number 10." "I've been meeting some of the people here who've been getting terribly excited over the last 24 hours." " It was nice to see the Queen bouncing back today, wasn't it?" " Indeed it was." " A good quality bounce?" " Most certainly." "And do you think the Prime Minister's going to lose today?" "I..." "I couldn't honestly say." "It's going to be a close one, isn't it, but is it quite right that the Queen should end up on top?" "Yes, certainly." "If you were right there able to administer on-the-spot justice to somebody who had punched the monarch in the face what would you do to them, if you were right there standing next to them bang and so on?" "Well, I would immediately smother the person, whoever it was, if anybody attempted to assault the sovereign." "If you'd been there on that day, you'd have smothered the man, Major?" " Certainly, Yes." " With your own clothing?" " Yes." " Or anything else that came to hand, cloths..." " Yes." " Blankets?" " Yes." " Even a handkerchief?" "Yes." " And what would you have said to him as you smothered him?" " I wouldn't have said anything at all." " No words, just physical action." " Physical action." "That's all." " Flatten the bugger." " That's right." "And whilst that was going on, the Queen took a secret tunnel straight into Number 10 and may already be inside." "This afternoon, opposition MPs turned up to weaken the prime minister." "That was part of the deal, too." "and throughout the day he received a stream of colleagues to use as sparring partners and tactical pain advisors, including Kenneth Clarke, Michael Howard," "Christopher Biggins and Michael Heseltine." "Mr Major then received strength from supporters and well-wishers, including pop star George Michael." "Our cameras have been rolling all the time." "I'm told if we turn the sound up, it is possible to hear her majesty's arrival and the solemn punching up." "(DISTANT FANFARE)" "(FAINT THUMPING)" "And to commemorate the end of the crisis, the Post Office has released a special stamp featuring the Queen and John Major kissing." "If democracy is a bra, then the monarchy are breasts." "And we cannot imagine a society without breasts." "Et là." "It's difficult not to feel humbled or even ashamed after that." "Soul reversal." "We're looking today at soul reversal." "Is that a good or bad thing?" " A good thing." " Would you like to see it happening more often?" "Yes, I think so." "Yeah." "If youuuu..." "Is it the sort of thing you can feel or does it happen slowly?" "Slowly." "Slowly." "Definitely slowly." " Can you feel it beginning to happen or not?" " Yes." "And what's the sensation like as you experience soul reversal yourself?" "Not very nice." "Would you like to see it in soul reversal more in crowded areas like football matches or quiet areas like churches, churches, churches?" " No, football matches." " Bit of soul reversal on football matches?" "On the players as well?" "Yes, certainly for the players." "By what sort of degree would you like to see the souls reversed?" "How much?" " Er... all the way, I think." " Well, let's look at it like this." "Could you hold the microphone for me for a second and I'll just show you." "If we..." "Taking a standard soul like that and something to reverse it on like this... with 90, 180, 270 or 360..." "How much would you like to see it reversed by?" " Half." " Like this?" "So you'd like to see that.. that's the ideal soul reversal for a football match?" "Definitely, yeah." ""The Day Today"" " Approaches the buffet with an extremely broad plate." "And more from "The Day Today's" special germ-in-the-pipe documentary on St Lamb's swimming pool in Acton." "(MONOTONE VOICE) I'm the pool supervisor, the night supervisor." "I basically watch the monitors at night to see if anything occurs." "There was one incident - I remember it quite clearly." "I was filling in a puzzle and I heard the noise." "There was a commotion up in the rafters." "and somehow - it's never known to this day - a pigeon had got in and was flapping about in the rafters." "We called a bird specialist." "They removed it in the morning." "I'm really sorry this has occurred." "If you'd like to talk to Vicky afterwards, we'd welcome you having a few free swims in the pool at our expense, because it's very unfortunate, so please do talk to Vicky..." "I think this violates the health and something..." "You'll get an early bird swim, all right?" " (QUACKS)" " Just shut it, right?" "Just cut it out now!" "I'm never tempted to use the pool myself at night, um... although, some time ago, I used to go down and take showers, and on one occasion, I went down to the pool and found a woman's swimming costume," "which I put on and paraded around, singing a song, a Joan Baez protest song." "This is procedural inaccuracy. what are we supposed to do when there's a roach in the pool?" " What are we supposed to shout?" " Say "Mr Linus is in the pool"." "What did you shout?" ""Oh, my God!" "there's a cockroach!"" " Yeah, well it took me by surprise." " This is indicative of what's been going on all along." " Yeah, you two, just shut up, it's not funny." " It's not funny actually." "This pool's been open nearly 40 years, and, in all that time, I only slipped up once, to my mind." "I was engaged in a particularly tricky word puzzle, and 40 people broke in and were in the pool... playing around, sort of ducking, bombing and doing all manner of prohibited activities, and eventually someone was killed." "(INTERVIEWER) Given that your sole responsibility is to maintain the security of the pool, isn't that an indictment against yourself?" "Well, I would say this " "I've been working here for 18 years." "In 1975 no one died." "In 1976, no one died." "In 1977, no one died." "In 1978, no one died." "In 1979, no one died." "In 198o, someone died." "In 1981, no one died." "In 1982, there was the incident with a pigeon." "In 1983, no one died." "In 1984, no one died." "In 1985, no one died." "In 1986..." "I mean, I could go on." " No." " Right." "Ultra news!" "Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines." ""Today" - "You could blow notes across the holes in his head says Sinatra doc."" "The "Herald Tribune" go with "Boiled dog could do maths claims experimenter."" ""The European" - "Elastic song strangles Hucknall."" ""The Daily Telegraph" and other broadsheets features tabs down the side for ease of turning the pages." "And "The Independent" go with "Portillo's face felt like guts says girl."" "That's it. just to let you know that Police are still looking for the actor Burt Reynolds after he stole a dodgem and drove it out of a fairground in Islington." "The 59-year-old american eluded capture after a low-speed car chase and was last seen heading north on the M11 near Saffron Walden." "That's it." "Goodnight." "The headlines tonight" " NATO annulled after delegate swallows treaty..." ""I'm so sorry, " yells exploding cleaner... and bearded cleric in oily chin insertion." "Those are the headlines." "God, I wish they weren 't." "Top gits tonight - news presenter sacked in attempt to sell house to David Owen... 75,000, would that be enough, do you think?" "..and spiders will never speak, insists ambassador." "I don't think so myself, I should be very surprised if they did it in public, and I should be equally surprised if they did it in private." "There's growing evidence this evening that suspects held in police cells are being eaten by police." "This report from Ted Maul has that story." "Four men vanish overnight from a Reading police cell." "The next detainee complains of a drain blocked with cake blood, and pieces of fat on his floor." "A drunk man in Chatham is banged up for the night and has his arm punched full of holes." "He says the police tried to fill his arm with garlic." "Just part of an increasingly muscular body of evidence that, say activists, proves suspect-eating is on the increase, and that the increase is getting rapid." "The best evidence of all is this - a 'Bow Street Bastard' - a special truncheon, used for beating suspects, which tears out cubes of flesh small enough to fry." "Activist Harkon Peddy says this is just one piece of evidence of suspect eating from a huge list in his head." ".. and it's nonsense." "Unexplained disappearances from police cells have doubled in the last year." "Records show suspects are regularly weighed and smeared in oil." "But police say this is just standard practice for young offenders." "Campaigners are calling for immediate action." "Without it, they say, thousands of suspects across the country could be eaten tonight by panicking policemen." "It's Just been announ... yeah." "Thanks." "It's Just been announced there's to be a special enquiry into government's handling of the Froom shipping deal, which flew to pieces last month amid accusations of gross ministerial misconduct." "Our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane." "He's Just prised him out of an emergency meeting." " I'm with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane MP who's just left an emergency meeting." " (CHRIS) Everything I Just said comes spewing back out of your stupid face..." "Mr Crane, choppy waters for the government?" "Not at all, Peter." "This procedure was entirely proper, and I think that the enquiry will prove that the government's handling of this affair was entirely proper." " So the government's ship back on course?" " Absolutely." " Back to you, Chris." " Peter, what the hell was that?" "This man's made a big-scale cock-up here and you've let him get away with it!" "Now let me speak to him." "Put your earpiece next to his head and stand still." "Now minister, there's reason to believe you lied to the House." "How do you answer that?" "Well, that is a very serious and unfounded allegation, and I will be making a statement to the House based on the preliminary enquiry next week." " A week is a long time in politics." " Rab Butler." "Shut up, Peter." "Now minister, did you or did you not lie to the House?" " I will make a full statement to the House next week." " It's a simple question." "Yes or no?" "Did you or did you not lie?" " I, um..." " As the Minister for Ships sprawls on a pin, it's back to you, Chris." "No it isn't, Peter!" "He's about to answer the question!" "He's about to admit to lying to the House!" "You've let him get away again!" "Where's he gone?" " Over there." " Well, get him back!" " He's in a cab." " Peter!" "You've lost the news!" " What are you going to say?" " Sorry." "Look like you mean it!" "Look down to the ground and say sorry." " I'm sorry." " Peter!" "next time you cross the road, don't bother looking." "Sorry!" "Travel now from Valerie Sinatra in her pod a mile above the centre of Great Britain." "Valerie, talk me some road." "Well, you're gagging for it, Chris, so here goes." "The M4 between Reading and London is solid." "That's due to a lorry driver having shed his skin, across three lanes, so watch out for oily patches there." "The M40 southbound is still slow due to that earlier large accident." "Police reckon they should have finished bagging and labelling everything by about midnight." "Meanwhile, mobile vehicle crushers are in operation in Cardiff on red-line routes." "So, if you're illegally parked there, they'll crush your car to the size of a satsuma and simply hand it back to you." " I love satsumas." " So do I Chris, but I wouldn't like to drive one." "I bet if you did, you'd do it really well." "Finally, a look the capital, which is London." "Worse than ever tonight, I'm afraid." "lots of cars on Oxford Street being slowed down by their own lights." "So I'm afraid your fast, speedy sports car has no use to you at all tonight, Chris." "Thanks very much indeed Valerie and I'm sure Alan would agree she's certainly one for a fast car." "She certainly is." "I prefer something a little bit more comfortable myself." "Ah well, with me, Alan, it's comfort and speed every time." "A fast car's a safe car." "Of course, In the States, we drive a whole lot slower than you guys." " Actually, I think statistically, slower cars are a lot more dangerous." " Yeah, but you can't be saying we should get rid of the speed limits." "(EVERYONE ARGUES)" " Now the sport with Alan Partridge." " Thanks, Chris." "and it's a special desk of sport this week as we look forward to all the sporting action that will take place in this year's 1994 World Cup finals in America in "Alan Partridge's World Cup Countdown to '94"." "Goal!" "Yes..." "Yes..." "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes..." "Yeeeeess!" "That was a goal." "Goal!" "Striker!" "Eat that!" "And another!" "Bing-bang!" "Stick it in!" "Thank you and goodnight!" "Twat!" "That was liquid football!" "Er..." "Shit!" "Did you see that?" "He must have a foot like a traction engine!" "Goal!" "Well, it's going to be three weeks of non-stop action, and to help us along, and add a little bit of colour and fun to the proceedings," "I've got with me a soccermeter." "What's that, Alan?" "Well, I'll tell you. it's very simple." "It's to explain the group system." "Now, first of all, all these long arms here, these long signposts, are the venues where the matches are being played." "Dallas, San Francisco, Los Angeles and so on." "If you look at me from above, you can see that...this is the group system." "The..." "It's 14 groups - A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M..." "N - and there are four rounds, the red round, yellow round, blue round and red round again." "That's my colour coding, not FIFA's." "you won't find that with FIFA." "Just with me." "So, that's the basis of it, and as you can see they get progressively le...fewer - towards the centre, the ultimate goal being the World Cup." "All right." "Let's take an example." "OK, round one" " Ow!" " is Pasadena." "It takes place between Chile and Paraguay, something like that." "And then through to round two." "Which is..." "Let's say San Francisco..." "Not got much time..." "San Francisco goes through to Orlando." "So let's take it round to Orlando there..." "Just move those out the way..." "Where's San Francisco?" "Where's...?" "San Francisco, where is it?" "There it is." "Right." "San Francisco played Orlando, and then we're through to round three, Los Angeles." "It's not... (CHUCKLES) It's not written on that side." "It should be, but it's bloomin' not." "And then whoever wins.... the-then we're through to the final of the World Cup." "Who's that going to be?" "Goal!" "The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding, in this case... is a football." "Boof!" "Eat my goal!" "The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt!" "I 'm Alan Partridge." "That will be my World Cup '94." "You can come, too." "Join me!" " Thanks, Alan." "More sport from you later?" " Absolutely Chris, with a bit of luck we'll have Sandy Lyle on the line" "America now." "If you have a baby in the States, you may well be in for a bit of a surprise when they 'yank' it out, hoho" "Barbara Wintergreen reports." "San Spirito, California, where Americans keen to brood but too busy to breed pay for a prosthetic pregnancy." "This is a Natus, a plastic disk implanted inside the womb, which expands to gives the sensation of labour without being sentenced to children." "There she is." "Can you see her at the top?" " There she is." "Say hello." " Hi, honey!" "Oh!" "The cervical substitute is the formica brainchild of doctors Bill McVitie and Mortimer Marcus." " Isn't that extraordinary?" "Starts up like that and ends up like that." " (BARBARA) Within the woman's body?" " Absolutely." " Comes out just like this." "Whoo!" "At this fallopian factory, people come for a credit-card conception." "The price includes labour and delivery, and there's a hefty surcharge on the discharge." "Among the thousands of proxy parents forking out for this flexible foetus are Anton and Lally Sampson." "We've really worked hard." "We've given him his own room." "He's got his Bon Jovi posters, you know, Sharon Stone, the Red Sox..." "But divorcing Americans are causing courtroom chaos in custody battles for their beloved disk." "And outside the Natus Institute, Women 's League protester Thea Peachman" "leads a womb vigil against synthetic siring." "I believe you've been smashing Nati, is that true?" "Yeah, we have Nati smashing by the side of the road to try and de-encouragize the women who come here thinking that they want that thing in their womb when they don't, do not." "They can spend their money, but they should just remember that they are women and they have a right to live and breathe!" "That's the beauty of the whole natus thing." "If a woman wants the pain, if she wants to scream, if she wants to bleed, she can." "If, however, she just wants it to pop out like..." " A bar of soap?" " well yeah like a bar of soap, then she can have that option, too." "So, it looks like this is one reproduction line where plastic and placenta go hand in hand." "Barbara Wintergreen, CBN news, at the Natus Institute, San Spurto, California." ""The Day Today" - because fact into doubt won't go." "And we've just heard- that areas in three of Britain's biggest cities are being evacuated due to suspect dogs." "Police believes this could be the start of a mainland campaign of dog bombs threatened by the IRA last month." "This report from Eugene Fraxby who's got the story with him reports." "Oxford Street in London, with three policemen and a knotted tape barrier." "A stray dog was spotted here an hour ago and everybody ran out." "Police then isolated the area containing the dog and told the public to clear off." "Later, they located it and conducted a controlled explosion." "But as the remains were being taken for laboratory tests, a second dog ran out from the crowd." " It could have been a bomb. the police had no choice." "It was over in seconds - a dog and three people dead from guns." "Being old, they would have died soon, anyway, but the dog, which contained no explosive at all, was shot to ribbons in its prime." "By six o'clock this evening, a monument had been built, marking the end, perhaps, of the relationship between man and dog, which today went from this..." "..to this." "The only way police can neutralise bomb dogs is to spray them with a resin coating which hardens instantly to contain any explosion." "The inside of the bomb-dog is obviously destroyed, but the outside stays the same shape." "However, if the underside is not covered, a highly directional blast launches the animal vertically to a height of over 1,000 ft." "Coming up - new explosive suss laws mean any domestic dog is now a potential hazard... ..and an eyewitness who was caught up in more bomb dog chaos." "..one policeman I saw went... (SLOW MOTION) Noooooo!" "Moooooove!" "and one guy, I don't know whether he was involved or not, was running away..." "Foom!" "Foom!" "Foom!" "Uuuurgh!" "and then he caught him one more time between the eyes." "It was horrible." "Foom!" "Um..." "That was as much as I saw, really." "Seven more dogs have gone off in the last ten minutes." "Eugene Fraxby." "The four hounds exploded in central London without warning all within yards of government buildings." "The prime minister put on a brave face, but for many, like Tory whip Peter Goodwright, the time for calm words is over." "..an absolute (EXPLOSION) disgrace." "These inhuman shit-for-souls (EXPLOSION) have no place here." "In my considered opinion, they are (EXPLOSION)!" "Journalist David Mellor added little of interest... ..insolent contempt for public opinion..." "For Junior Health Secretary Paul Mann, words alone could not express his anger." "Police are on the alert again this evening and have cordoned off a man in Piccadilly." "It's believed he may have eaten a suspect dog last night and could now go off himself." "Sinn Féin have so far denied they are backing the campaign." "Earlier today I spoke to their deputy leader, Rory O'Connor, who under broadcasting restrictions must inhale helium to subtract credibility from his statements." "So, what's your initial statement?" "(SQUEAKILY) These incidents are inevitable, given the position of the British government." "You do support this campaign, then?" " The IRA have been forced into this position." " So, you do support this campaign of violence?" "The IR..." " Sinn Féin is a legitimate political party." " Which supports terrorist action." "Your tone is antagonistic and you're making me very angry!" "Since we conducted that interview, all sides in the conflict have had a meeting and have sorted everything out" ""The Day Today" is now available in these fine locations." "The night sky over Paris, the International Hackenbacker building in Chicago, the wall of Cheops' pyramid at Giza, and the handles of 400 million petrol pumps across the globe." "The huge success of the BBC's new soap opera "The Bureau" has now spread to Italy." "(ITALIAN VOICES SPEAK)" "They've got a daytime discussion show there devoted entirely to it." "It's called "Bella Buretti"" "and its stars are the wagging tongues of hosts Carmena Zo and Porcazina McRae." "(SPEAK ITALIAN)" "So much for the EuroBureau." "Meanwhile, back here in Britain, the nation holds its breath tonight for the 2,000th edition." "(THEME MUSIC)" "Guy!" "Quick!" "Get him into the bureau de change!" "(GASPS)" " What happened?" "Who did this to you?" " I dunno." "I didn't see." " I'll get them." "I'll get these evil-doers!" " No, Alex." "Violence solves nothing." "Why did they do this to me?" "Just because I'm gay." "I'm gay." "I'm gay." " What?" "!" " It's Guy, Mr Hennety." "He's been attacked" " Yeah, I know." "What did you say?" " I said I'm gay." " You're fired." " What?" "I'm warning you, Jack Hennety." "If Guy goes, we all go." " Yeah?" " (ALL) Yeah." "Go on, then, walk!" "The lot of you, walk!" "I've got People are queuing up to work in this bureau de change." "Right." "Right." "I'm going." "Me, too." "And I don't even work here." "Yeah, go on." "You go, an' all." "Just you remember what you said!" "Maria!" "Maria!" "I would see myself as an individual human being... needing salvation... receiving it through the work of Jesus Christ." "Do you find "The Day Today" comes into this at all?" "Well, how can it not?" "It is day-to-day." " Every day "The Day Today"?" " Every day." "Day Today." " For you?" " Yes." "And with a bit of luck, for all these people?" "That's what one prays for. what one would like to see." "You would like to see The Day Today for all these people today?" " Er..." " If your prayer was answered?" "They should each enter into an experience of personal salvation." " Which would include "The Day Today"?" " Well, how could it not?" "I don't know what kind of salvation you could be talking about that wouldn't include the day-to-day." ""Enviromation", from me, Rosy May." "An international ban on the hunting of waves has finally been introduced." "Waves have been used for centuries to pull cars in small countries, but are now facing extinction." "Over a million specially farmed waves are to be released into the wild this winter." "Man has finally harnessed the cooling power of worms to drive a fridge." "The worms inhabit an internal piping system, cooling everything as they go." "Cramming in more worms lowers the temperature." "Worms." "I'm Rosy May." "My milk is green." "Come drink me." "Tomorrow, the Home Office release a new series of videos designed to help young people with everyday problems." "They're produced in association with "The Day Today", and This is the first." "(ROCK GUITAR)" " Hello, I'm Graham!" " And I'm Crispin!" "And today we're going to tell you how to deal with a relative who's just died in your house." " Oh, look." "Dad's dead." " Bugger!" " Hello, Dad!" "Are you dead?" " Right then." "What you'll need is some vinegar, an oven glove, two ping-pong balls, Frish..." " Books..." " Some butcher's grass..." "Superglue, some bungee, a salad spinner and a chisel." "# One chilly chisel and a packet of Frish, please!" "#" " First, embalming." " A cup of vinegar..." " Shoe polish on the wrists..." " And inject the corpse thoroughly with Frish." " Now he's ready for the coffin!" " But don't forget...wash your hands!" "# It's the end ofyour dad as you... #" "Now he's unburied..." "Now he's not!" "Lever up a nearby paving stone..." " Scratch on the name..." " # Write the name on the stone" "# So people can see what's in the ground #" "..and make way for the priest!" " Now everything's okay, stick your chisel into your salad spinner..." " Plunge it into the mound..." "Flowers!" "(BOTH) Sorted!" "Unless, of course, you're a Muslim." "Muslim!" "Muslim!" "# Yeah!" "#" "Now with the rest of the day's news, Chris." "Thanks." "It's eight o'clock, this is "The Day Today"." "The main stories so far - The Libyan leader, Colonel Gadaffi, has plunged southern Europe into crisis by kidnapping Crete and towing it to a secret location off the Libyan coast." "Crowds in Tripoli welcomed the news, a delighted Gaddafi waving like a girl." "Libyan tugs stole Crete at two o'clock this morning." "At first, the natives, aided by strong winds, were able to haul it halfway back." "But then they lost grip." "The island was towed to the North African coast and hidden under water" "The Lincolnshire village of Vladny is tonight recovering from a gravity quake during which the Earth's pull was reversed for seven minutes, sending everything not secured onto the ground over a mile into the air." "The quake struck at 4:30 this afternoon." "These pictures were taken by Paul Cork, who had his Polaroid with him when he fell up into the roof of a shed." "This man survived by clinging onto a boot scraper." "Others were not so lucky." "I was playing football with my cousin, in the garden there and he Jumped up to catch the ball and Just kept going." "His cousin later rained back onto the ground along with 4,000 other villagers." "The American space shuttle Endeavor 4 sets off tonight on its special stunt mission." "Once in orbit, it will hurtle towards a NASA space ramp fly off the end and leap over a line of 12 other shuttles" "It will then return to Earth tomorrow afternoon at half past three!" "It's time now for our resident humourist Brandt, the physical cartoonist from the Daily Telegraph to bloody the noses of the great and good." "Mr B, make us smile about the bad things in the world." "This week, I've been looking east, where Chris Patten, like King Kong, has made a monkey of himself over Hong Kong." "(WAILS)" "An old man stands naked in front of a mirror eating soup." "He is a fool." "`Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot." "A brilliant man, and a surprisingly nice one, too." "It's easy to tell if somebody's dead, but how can you tell if you're dead?" "Some people have lived to tell the tale... in a short film we've made." "Hi, Aiden." "You allright." "Lucy Turner-Warwick is a boxing trainer in High Wycombe." "She had a near-death experience when in a coma induced by a pupil." "(LUCY) I learnt later that I had actually died." "My heart had stopped for, I don't know, a few seconds." "I could see a tunnel and, at the end of that tunnel, a very very bright light." "I was aware of a figure standing at the end, where the light was" "She led me into an open-plan office, and at the back there was a little separate office" "She beckoned me towards it." "and on the door said "God"." "And there was a man, a very nice, friendly man, in a suit, with grey hair." "I sat down, and we chatted for a bit." "He was very Jokey and Jolly, and I remember he had a little sign behind his head " "That said, you know, it was one of those "You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps" or something and I thought, well, he's obviously got a sense of humour." "Anyway we talked, and then he pointed to another man in a suit, with a beard, and said, "That's my son"" "and I looked back at God and he laughed and said "it's a family firm"." "It was very, very friendly, but ... very boring." "I'm afraid all of these people who talk about out of body experiences are basically congenital liars." "Chanticlier Guardsley is Professor of Psychosociology at University College, London." "He is a sceptic." "We have a whole catalogue of examples of hospitals actually manufacturing out-of-body experiences, whereby they attach patients to wires and actually lift them up towards the ceiling, therefore creating in the patient a feeling of literally lifting out of their bodies." "(REPORTER) In laboratory experiments, scientists artificially created near-death experiences in mice." "They fired hungry mice against a wall with a specially calibrated gun." "Food was placed on a shelf above the comatose mice." "If they had a soul, it would leave the mouse's body, float upwards and eat." "The results showed that afterwards, the mice felt as if they had just eaten." "More proof was provided by the out-of-body experience of Leslie Sourfrat." "(Sourfrat) I could actually see myself coming out of my mouth as vomit but it wasn't just as vomit, it was as vomit in a dress." "And then I woke up and I was a woman." "I went into my experience as a man, but left it as a woman." "Something definitely happened, but..." "I don't know what." "So how do you explain the case of Keith Philips, who returned from his out-of-body experience as a woman?" "He didn't." "But we filmed it this afternoon, There's an awful lot of evidence to show what happened." "No, there isn't." " Do you believe in God?" " Oh, yes." "And I liked him." "I like him..." "I love him... but I don't...want to go and..." "I don't want to go and work for him." "Not yet." "An optimist sees half a pint of milk, he says, "It is half full."" "A pessimist sees half a pint of milk, he says, "It is half empty."" "I see half a pint of milk, I say, "It is sour."" "No time for anything but the weather, a lot of snow around." "Pretty grim out there, isn't it, Sylvester?" "Yes Chris, most of Britain will be waking up tomorrow to a carpet of white dung." "Thanks, mate." "And that's it." "No time left for the headlines." "That's "The Day Today"." "9 o'clock BBC2 tomorrow night we'll start again." "Until then, thanks very much for watching." "It Just remains for me to wish you a very good night." "Join us again tomorrow night for a full resume of the day's events, the sport, the business, the weather and the very latest changes in the world of politics." "Same time, 9 o'clock, tomorrow evening on BBC2." "That's "The Day Today", keeping you abreast of the very latest changes in local, national and international news we're prepared to break the flow of the programme if necessary to accomodate newly breaking events often live-packaged by field reporters on the hoof, those who know that news is paramount" "and only the most recently-hatched news egg has any currency at all..." "That's "The Day Today"..." "..football matches..." "The headlines tonight." "Euro MPs' new headsets play the sound of screaming women" "Bryan Ferry bath mat poisonous say lab... and bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth." "Those are the headlines." "Happy now?" "Hello, sir!" "On "The Day Today" tonight - MP in heartless outburst after bomb goes off in Hurd's bath..." "One bomb's gone off in the Foreign Secretary's hand, but all he does is say 'Well I didn't need that hand anyway'." "and a warm handshake from Michael Heseltine to the children he is about to release into the woods and shoot." "How do you do?" "Nice to say hello to you." "The Bank of England is in chaos following the discovery that the pound has been stolen." "As the news broke, trading rooms were plunged into chaos, even seasoned campaigners known for grace under pressure reduced to squawking the day's panicked cry" " What's happening?" "..."What's happening?"" "The pound was stolen at 1:30 this afternoon by thieves dressed as cleaners." "They drove a white Montego." "Helicopter police gave chase, but, despite the shunt, the men escaped, making good with their legs across open ground." "As City markets crashed and flew off, the government tried to stabilise the economy with an emergency currency based on the Queen's eggs, several thousand of which were removed from her ovaries in 1953 and held in reserve." "This meant anyone mad enough to seize on the panic selling of dead pounds could become a dollar millionaire in less than an hour." " How much money have you personally made today?" " About ten million." "Throughout the day, bank officials have refused to confirm the rumours that the pound was only vulnerable at all because they removed it to play with at lunchtime and forgot to put it back." "Later tonight we'll be asking Malcolm Rifkind for his view and asking him why he likes pulling the legs off live dogs and shooting foreign policemen." ""The Day Today" - hommy sidey news." "I'm Alan Partridge." "Hello." "Rally driving." "The championships start tonight, but here's what I got up to this morning." "Hi." "You join me with Susie Herper, one of this Britain's top LADY rally drivers." "Susie, you're going to be subjecting me to some atrocious punishment." "What's that?" "Well, I'm going to take you round the course that I won the rally on recently." "Fantastic." "And, er... the stickers - what are the stickers for?" " Advertising." " It's as simple as that?" "It really is that simple." "Um... before we go round the course, let's just explain this is a modern camera that'll be watching all my facial movements" "It's the size of a slim panatella cigar." "Um, one more thing - it's a great model, it goes like a bomb... and the car's not bad, either!" "Let's go burn some rubber." "Well, you seem quite, er..." "Whoa-ho!" "Whey-hey!" "Hey!" "Spunky lady!" " Hence the bumpiness!" " Yeah!" "You certainly know how to handle this bitch!" "You keep her in line!" "I like it." "It's good." " You've gotta show the car who's in control." " You take it by the scruff of the neck and you let it know who's the queen." "The car's the bitch, you're the queen, and I like it!" "Whoa!" "Yeah." "You know what, I just have to brake here." "This is pretty steep stuff." "Easy!" "Easy!" "Whoa!" "Watch out for that!" "What?" "Don't be stupid!" "Watch out for that!" "Careful!" "Well, whilst driving like she was may be big and clever on the rally track, it certainly isn't on a housing estate." "Remember - lives matter." "Chris." "It's been revealed that Junior Treasury Minister Michael Portillo, carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming, "As long as it's got a backbone, I'll do it."" "That story we reported last week, and have since discovered it to be untrue." "Paul Boetang." "Do you feel that young people are taking the right cues from their culture?" "I think young people make a contribution and indeed form the culture in which they live and in which we all live." "How do you feel about some of the more..." "dangerous elements of their cultural mêlée?" "I don't know what you mean by their more dangerous elements." "We're talking bang!" "I'm talking guns I'm talking people like Uzi MC the Blood Rap movement, Herman the Tosser... how do you feel when young people are presented with the sort of stuff that they're churning out?" " I think it's rather sad, and..." " What, if somebody listens to Herman the Tosser?" "...and I think there are very many young people who are turned off by that violence, by that sexism, by that racism and by that homophobia." "Are you levelling all those accusations at Herman the Tosser?" "No, I'm not." "Herman the Tosser is not someone who's invaded my own particular consciousness, clearly although, although clearly he has invaded yours and it is a concern." " It sounds to me..." " It sounds to me, too." "It sounds to me rather an unpleasant name, but he may be a delightful person." ""The Day Today" - the last scintilla of doubt just rode out of town." "The American serial killer Chapman Baxter is to be executed today by the dead body of his last victim." "Barbara Wintergreen reports." "Florida State Penitentiary, and killer Chapman Baxter has dug deep into his past for tomorrow's execution ceremony." "The best kind of justice would be if my last victim, Colin Akavito, could be dug up and he could kill me." "In Oregon's Manimatronics Center, Dr Travis Daveley has been fleshing out Chapman's unusual carcass request." "We'll do the arm movements once more." "Coffin boffin Travis has undertaken to manimatrize Colin Akavito, the man who Baxter blasted in the past." "He's even helping him to speak from the grave." "There's three simple voices." "First is a kind of generic voice." "Justice." " The second one is Martin Sheen." " (DRAWLS) Justice." "And the third is my favourite" " Louis Armstrong." "(CROAKS) Justice." "All the America is electrified by this Vigilante victim" "He's appeared in a cadavalcade of front covers and chat shows, and has squeezed new life into fruit juice ads." "(VOICEOVER)... zangiest fruit juice you've ever tasted, there ain't no... (LOUIS ARMSTRONG CROAKS) Justice." "Live wire Akavito is dating supermodel Kendal Ball, who's seems stuck on the stiff." "Colin's kind of cute." "He's strong and silent and, um... doesn't bullshit me like other guys." "Do you get to spend a lot of time alone together?" "Well no, 'cause Travis is always with us, but I kind of like it that way." "I've got this little dream whereby there's a whole village of reanimated corpses, and if you like, a kind of control tower at the centre of that village with a bank of monitors, and I control all the corpses." "Why use corpses?" "Why not normal people?" "Why don't you just leave things the way they are?" "Because..." "Normal people..." "Because I wouldn't have my tower." "I want a tower." "The day of justice, and Baxter gets to renew his acquaintance with the body of evidence." "In whose voice do you wish justice to be done?" " Martin Sheen." " Thank you very much." "You may proceed." "Colin needs a few moments to decompose himself before delivering a stiff charge to Baxter." "(MARTIN SHEEN DRAWLS) Justice." "(AGONISED SCREAM)" "So, as Chapman Baxter came here to bury his past, looks like his past has come to bury him." "This is Barbara Wintergreen, CBN News, at the corpsecution, Florida State Penitentiary." "BBC mandarins are bleating again." "This time because their new soap "The Bureau" has just plummeted out of the ratings." "A BBC spokesman said "Don't read too much into the fact that we're sending them out on tour to the regions on the back of a truck it's not to drum up support, it's standard policy for all programmes"." "Let's have a look. shall we?" "(THEME MUSIC)" " Maria?" " Yeah?" " You know I'm gay?" " Yeah." "Well... do you think it's possible for a gay man to love a woman?" "Of course it is, Guy." "There's no rules to love." "You've got to follow your heart." " Maria?" " Yeah?" " I love you." " Watch out!" "Hennety!" "Oi!" "I'm trying to run a high-class bureau de change, not some two-bit nipple peep show in Rio de Janeiro." "Ange!" "Where you've been all day?" "We've been worried about you!" "It's not "Ange" any more, actually." "It's "Mrs Hennety" to you." "A cat miaows." "A horse neighs." "A lion roars." "A bird sings." "A snake hisses." "A human... barks." " Time now for business with Collately Sisters." " Thanks, Chris." "You do it!" "Get it now!" "No, you get it!" "It's over there!" "Arguments like that broke out on the international markets today when economic talks collapsed, and Spain withdrew from the world and began trading with itself." "The peseta burst open at four." "The pound was barely audible this morning, It rotted by 3.9 points against the dollar, and there was further bad news for coat developers Watney Heckbulb, nrrrrrrrrrr, who were ordered to cease trading because of bad burping." "Chris." "Chris." "On now to the money markets, and a quick look at the international finance arse." "And there you can see that the US and Japanese cheeks started off with a gap of 2.4 but increased trading forced the two together to form a unified arse at around lunchtime which held for the rest of the day." "In summary, then - oh, no." "Chris." "For a second night running, London's police are out in force, clamping the homeless." "The new measures have been in operation since Monday and already are proving successful." "The clamps are bolted onto any homeless person found asleep or motionless after 9pm at night." "This is the time when London's street people start accumulating in doorways, many of them drunk and pissed up on booze." "The clamps ensure than any homeless who has caused a blockage is forced to stay put when they wake up" "They've probably been sick, too." "They are then prosecuted and punished." "And reaction to the new measures has been strong - so far we've spoken to Kim Wilde." "Does it make you feel bad when they clamp homeless people on the Strand?" " When they clamp them?" " Yeah." "Businesses on the Strand getting in people to clamp them so they can't move away, and they're persecuted and then they're fined for being in the way." " I didn't know that." "That's awful." " Would you call for clamps to be illegalised" "Certainly on human beings." "It's obscene." ""Enviromation", from me, Rosy May." "A revolution in household heating is sweeping across America - frozen fire." "Normal fire is solidified in special cold furnaces and packaged for home freezer storage." "It can then be defrosted at a later date and poured onto logs." "Frozen fire saves heat." "The echo from the nuclear bomb which destroyed Hiroshima is set to devastate the city again." "Half of the original blast has ricocheted off Jupiter and will strike Japan in 2041." "It's not yet known whether the city will be evacuated." "I'm Rosy May. tread not on the forest leaves, for you tread on my face." "Today is the anniversary of 1944." "People did different things then, and lived different lives." "This "Day Today" reminiscipackage features contemporary memories and footage from a time when a five-speed, three-litre Ford Capri was the stuff of a madman's dreams." "What was the food situation like in those days?" "Oh, it was dreadful." "Of course it was dreadful." "Sometimes we even had to eat bits of the house." "Bricks, and..." "The mortar was tastier than the actual bricks because after all, it had been mixed up once, so you could mix it up again." "You used to try to get it off other people's houses, of course, first and houses that had been bombed and broken down, but sometimes you had to eat your own house, and it was better to find yourself without a house than without food." "Electricity was very, very expensive, but you had to have a light of some kind, so we had the..." "I don't know, We thought it was quite a good idea... you see babies have such a lot of energy. they're always on the go." "so we used to connect the house to a baby, and that used to keep the lights going." "I don't remember much about 1945, because that was the year... that was my hibernation year." " Can I have your name?" " You'd go and get your ticket, and find out when you had to hibernate and then you'd be given just a few weeks to get yourself organised." "You know, You knew you had to keep going." "You got into a box and curled up and you went to sleep." "It was our bit of the war effort really, to keep ourselves out of the way." "During the war, everybody was called up to be in the War Cabinet." "And I was called up to be the foreign secretary for a month." "So I was in meetings and having to express opinions and I had to travel abroad." "I went over to France and I met the French foreign minister and he was really quite impressed, because my French really was ..." "was rather good." "So we had conversations with me understanding everything he said and answering him, but whether I answered him properly, I don't know." "This is "The Day Today"." "Still to come - controversy over new Treasury appointment..." "I'm sick to death of this." "It's all I ever get Treasury, Treasury, Treasury." "It's all I ever hear." "I'm sick of it." "I've had enough." "Just all of you, (BEEP) off!" "...and new anti-shoplifting measures for a BQ store in Bracknell." "If I catch anybody stealing anything from the shop, then ..." "I shoot 'em through the mouth with this." "The number of MPs in Westminster suffering from Slemmel's disease has risen to 22." "Slemmel's disease is caused by a brain virus that affects the victim's ability to read." "They can see words, but have no idea what they mean." "Baroness Trumpington was the first to show signs two weeks ago" "She may have caught it from a badger." "Then John MacGregor." "The virus is highly infectious and lives in peppermints." "This was the moment Peter Lilley realised he too was in trouble." "Slemmel's also affects leg-eye coordination, causing victims to walk straight past places they intend to stop." "So, could you..." "Hey!" "By last Friday, William Waldegrave had little control over his body" " Mr Waldegrave!" " Teddy Taylor followed." "Mr Tay..." "Oi!" " And Jimmy Knapp severely." " Mr Knapp!" "Most seriously of all, on Monday John Patten showed unmistakeable signs, failing to recognise familiar surroundings and objects..." "Ah!" "...clearly having no understanding of the day's briefs." "The second document proved equally mysterious, and the third he couldn't even be bothered to try" "The disease shows no sign of stopping." "This morning, Malcolm Rifkind appeared lost when he was just 20 yards from his office." "Doctors say the only treatments they can offer so far are rubbish." "A man sees God in his car." "He crashes." "Today's historic trade agreement between Australia and Hong Kong marks a new season of hope for the future of world trade." "The two countries have been at each others' throats for years, but now the hatchet's been buried by a treaty which allows unrestricted trading between all parties at all levels." "I'm joined now by Martin Craste, the British minister with special Responsibility for the Commonwealth, and Gavin Hawtrey, the Australian Foreign Secretary, in Canberra." "Gentlemen, this is pretty historic stuff." "well done." "A future of unbridled harmony then?" "Australia?" "Yes, I think that Martin Craste and I can be pretty satisfied." "It's a good day." "And if, as in the past, Australia exceed their agreement, what will you do about it?" "This is a very satisfactory treaty." "which I am sure will work well" "Naturally, if the limits were exceeded, this would be met with a firm line." "but I can't see this being necessary." "Mr Hawtrey, he's knocking a firm line in your direction." "What are you going to do about that?" " Well, in that case we'd just reimpose sanctions as we did last year" " Sanctions!" "Hang on a second." "They've only just swallowed their sanctions, and now they're burping them back up in your face!" "I think sanctions is rather premature talk." "Certainly if sanctions were imposed we should have to retaliate with appropriate measures." "But I can't" "I think "appropriate measures" is a euphemism, Mr Hawtrey." "you know what it means," " What are you going to do about that?" " Well, I'd just have to go back to Cabinet." " And ask them about what?" " I dunno, maybe it's a matter for the military" " The military!" " I think military measures is totally inappropriate reaction." " And I think this is way way over the top." " Sounds like you're being inappropriate!" "Are you?" "Of course I'm not being inappropriate Martin Craste knows that full well." "This is the sort of misunderstanding that I thought we'd laid to rest during our negotiating period!" "Misunderstanding it certainly is." "it's certainly not a treaty, is it?" "You're both at each others' throats, you're backing yourselves up with arms" "What are you going to do about it?" "Mr Hawtrey, let me give you a hint - "Bang!"" " What are you asking me to say?" " You know damn well what I'm asking you to say!" "You're putting yourself in a situation of armed conflict." "What are you plunging yourself into?" " You'd like me to say it?" " I want you to say it, yes!" " You want the word?" " The word!" " I will not flinch..." " You will not flinch from?" " War." " War!" "Gentlemen, I'll put you on hold." "if fighting did break out it would probably occur in Eastmanstown in the Upper Cataracts on the Australio-Hong Kong border." "Our reporter Donald Bethl'hem is there now Donald, what's the atmosphere like?" "Tension here is very high, Chris." "The stretched twig of peace is at melting point." "People here are literally bursting with war." "This is very much a country that's going to blow up in its face." "Well gentlemen, it seems we have little option now but to declare war immediately!" "this is quite impossible, I couldn't take such a decision without, referring to my superior ,Chris Patten, and he's in Hong Kong!" "Good, because he's on the line now via satellite." "Mr Patten, what do you think of the idea of a war now?" "I'll take that as a yes." " Very well." "It's war." " War it is." "That's it, Chris." "It's war!" "War has broken out!" "This is a war!" "That's it!" "Yes." "It's war!" "From now on, The Day Today will be providing the most immediate coverage of any war ever fought." " On the front line and in your face, Donald Bethl'hem." " Standing by, Douglas Hurd." "The Day Today smart bombs have nose-mounted cameras." "This is smart bomb Steven." "and that is Suzanna Gekkaloys." " I'll be reporting from inside the fight!" " Like some crazy Trojan!" "And keeping an eye on everything, that's going on out there at The Day Today news pipe, Douglas Trox" " Chris!" " But first, the weather from Sylvester Stuart." "And now the weather, starting in the south-east, where the sun should plop through after a dull start, a bit like having your hand sewn back on after a farming accident." "Let's revolve the weather collar now 70 degrees to the Midlands, where I was first bereaved." "And there'll be a large cack of heavy cloud, covering the area but it should stay dry enough for you to dance outside until our lord Beelzebub calls upon us." "Now, if we rotate the throat circle back to the West Country... and you can see there'll be several gits of bad weather across most of the sky." "Some rain, but no more severe than soft porn" "In summary, then - and that's all the weather." "Back to the war, and on the front line at Eastmanstown, our reporter Donald Bethl'hem." "Donald, what's the latest?" "As I swilled the last traces of toothpaste from my mouth this morning a soldier's head flew past the window shouting the word "victory"." "Seems to be a lot of action behind you there Have you seen any fighting yourself?" "Today I saw the body of an old woman on the ground - she was lying in a pool of her own tomatoes" "Thank you, Donald." "Earlier today, I've been down among the fighting myself." "This is my report." "There's something about the way these people move that tells you they are a nation at war." "Look into their eyes, and you can read the words," ""I have a reservation at the restaurant of death."" "It's a messy bistro, with a bad name for soiling its customers' clothes." "We've seen only one napkin in four days." "People here are confused, spending most of their time running about like idiots." "Earlier today, we met a family, who thanks to this war, now have no home." "A war which they feel anyway has nothing to do with them." "(TRANSLATOR) This is not our war." "We are being forced to swallow the rotten egg of an angry political goose." "(CHRIS) That boy is now a war orphan." "One more victim of what they call here the "desert confetti"." "I have a child about his age myself." "When I phoned him ten minutes ago, I told him to move out of the house to make room for his new brother." "Back live now, progress on The Day Today smart bomb" " Jonathan!" "Get rid of Hurd!" "Thanks!" "Well, as you can see Chris, there's the missile, cruising at 2000 per second trying to locate the target the soldier it's aimed at" "There's the soldier. it goes in through the mouth down through the oesophagus into the stomach, there's the explosion." "Absolutely bang!" "That's The Day Today bringing you another tear on the face of the world's mother!" "Alan!" "Sport!" "Thanks, Chris." "And now some late-night soccer results." "I'm Alan Partridge." "This is division two." "Richmond Arithmetic versus Nottingham Marjorie, match postponed due to bent pitch." "Goodnight." "Suzanna Gekkaloys has broken through to the front line." "This is her contribution to history." "This is the very heart of the conflict." "The men here have been fighting non-stop for three days." "We drove in at night, straight into the middle of a rocket battle." "The air now is thick with what they call here the "electric cornflakes"." "We're under strict instructions not to leave the vehicle but to drive on through." "With no cover, we ran across open space to a nearby house." "We found an injured man." "We did our best." "There are always casualties in war." "There was a family sheltering in the back room." "We had no tongue in common, but through the universal language of mutual need I knew she was saying," ""Come, set your equipment up in our refuge The world must see this mess."" "These brave people are now sleeping, but they know that tomorrow our aerials and transmitters could make this house a prime target." "Chris." "Back to the war now, and in the noise and heat of what they call here the "flying scissorbeans", there is no optimism - or at least wasn't until just two minutes ago when we received these pictures of a miracle from the front line" "less than a mile from where I'm standing." "This was the scented rose in the bumgut of Satan." "For here at 7:13 precisely, the fighting stopped." "Soldiers, who moments earlier had been shooting each others' teeth out, put down their guns and joined in peaceful commune." "Some played games or, like these men, planned a musical." "The reason for this calm lay inside a shed." "for here, the massed forces of two world powers were unified by nothing more than the distress of a cat stuck on a high shelf." "No one knows how it got there, but these brave fighting men, moved by the simplicity of the animal's plight decided to forget their differences and try to get it down." "But even as the men celebrated, their heads were blown clean off... for somebody - nobody knows who - had filled the cat with nitro-glycerine." ""The Day Today" - news from telly to belly!" "Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines" ""Plastic surgeon arrested with stash of stolen mouths." That's in the " Express"." ""The Hull Aphrodite" - "Police chief crushes lizard with whistle." there he is looking wretched" "The "Daily Mail" - "Child made of paint wins by-election."" "The Murdoch papers tomorrow. " Crazed wolves in store a bad mistake admit Mothercare"." "and there's the same story in the "Sun"." "and the "Daily Mirror" have a special pull-out note for the milkman." "They'll doing three, two and four later in the week." "That's it, That's "The Day Today" on the day a man on this programme told how he was menaced by Hugh Sculley." "He just came in and went... then went out." "That's it." "Goodnight." "Available from now on commercial video - "The Day Today" " This Is Our War", featuring the men and women who've sacrificed themselves at the altar of fact and the beat of over a thousand pop classicsl" "#Jetl Ooh-woohl Ooh-whool #" "# Get down on it" "# Get down on it... #" "# Dreadlock holiday, dreadlock holiday... #" "# Clap-clap, clap-clap" "# Clap-clap, clap... #" "# Show me I'm a lady... #" "# You really got me, you really got me... #" "# Gotta stop sobbing" "# Yeah, yeah, stop it, stop it... #" "# I'm wishing on a star... #" "# Burn, baby, burn" "# Disco inferno" "# Burn, baby, burn" "# Burn that mother down... #" "# Oops upside your head" "# Say oops upside your head" "# Say oops upside... #" "# Hands up, baby, hands up" "# Give me your heart, gimme, gimme" "# Your heart, gimme, gimme" "# Hands up... #" ""The Day Today" " This Is Our War"." "Bang after bang after bang after bang!" "The headlines tonight - fist-headed man destroys church... car drives past window in town... and Leicester man wins right to eat sister." "Now fact me till I fartl" "Coming up as stories in the programme peace talks collapse as Serbs strap 400 monkeys to the back of Owen's Volvo..." "That does make it harder to reverse." "...and, "Leave us alone," say men from Saturn." "We want to go about our daily routines as far as is at all possible." "Buckingham Palace has announced that over 40 members of royal staff have been destroyed to save money." "The 43 workers learned of their fate after church on Sunday." "They met the Queen and were told they would be slaughtered with scythes." "That evening, they were herded into a Sandringham attic and culled in less than 10 minutes" "It's not known who conducted the killings, but Princess Margaret is believed to have been involved." "She was overheard yesterday saying..." "Conditions on board the train stuck on the line for two days in Hampshire have deteriorated dramatically." "There are fears now for the lives and sanity of those on board." "Ted Maul has that story reporting." "At first the concern was for the commuters stuck on a train because a signal got jammed by a dead bird." "But when farmer Peter Yates took them sandwiches this afternoon, the situation changed dramatically." "Two commuters jumped him like raptors and threw him aboard." "20 minutes later, he managed to get off the train and tried to escape but was lassoed by a man with a rope and pulped" "Just over an hour after that, a naked Mr Yates appeared briefly for the last time, trying to haul himself out of a window, but it was a naff effort." "Most ominously, this evening, the commuters were seen struggling with a sack containing an object that was obviously as heavy as a human body and then throwing some kind of weird ritual." "Many here fear the worst, that Mr Yates has been killed and sacrificed by a group of ordinary men and women who less than two days ago were content to sit opposite each other in silence, yet today beat their chests and yell like savages." "Moments ago, we intercepted the sound of the guard trying to radio for help." "Get these people..." "I There's a woman..." "I (BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM)" "Time now for sport with Alan Partridge." "Alan, I've got to say that that soccer commentary was brilliant last night." " Thank you." " It really was." "I mean, I'm not very interested in soccer but I was totally absorbed and entertained by the whole thing." "Great!" "Take a bit of extra time if you want." "Do as much as you like on this, I'll be enjoying this too." "Tonight, we're going to look at self-defence..." "Brilliant!" "Now, self defence is no longer the preserve of hard men like Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin" "More and more these days we all need to know how to get a bit handy." "Anyone who's been on public transport late at night will know that there are a lot of disturbed individuals out there." "One minute they could be babbling incoherently, the next they could be going for your person" "What do you do?" "Well, this week is national self defence week, so who better to tell us than one of Britain's best-loved judo fighting people," "Commonwealth silver medallist Adam Neils." " Adam." " Hi." "Now, self defence is not about simply punching someone repeatedly in the face until they're unconscious, is it?" "No, it's exactly what it says - defending yourself." "Self-defence with the minimum of force." " Weaponry?" " No, just your body." "That's all..." " Snooker ball in a sock?" " No, no." " We teach people how to deal with that, but..." " What do you call those things, the two sticks with the chain between them?" " Nunchuka." " Yeah, I like those." "Now, can we actually see some of the basics?" "Can you talk me through" "Right." "OK, Tanya?" "Right, well, we teach people to deal with anything from a sort of general invasion of body space through to a specific attack..." "So, if I was to go like this..." "Hey!" "No!" "Ooh!" " (CHOKING) Tell her to s..." "I can't breathe!" " She's now taken control away from you..." " I cannot breathe!" " Sorry." "She's wrested control away from you and has overcome you." "The aggression has been turned against you." " (CROAKS) What happened if someone attacked you from behind?" " Right...if you were to attack me from behind" " No!" " Right." "I throw you, I could throw you," "I could use an elbow block against you or I could shock you, immobilise you by just twisting the skin" "Get off!" "Chris!" "The American car company General Motors have today announced a cut in their workforce at their plant in Detroit." "Our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan, is there at the moment." " Peter, what's going on?" " Chris, it's a mass redundancy measure it's the biggest layoff in American industrial history 35,000 jobs in one fell swoop." "Gone!" " 35,000?" " Yes." "Peter, there's only 25,000 people at the plant!" "That's right, Chris." "Mass redundancy on an unprecedented scale." "Would you mind telling me how the plant can function on minus 10,000 workers?" " I don't know." "You tell me." " I'll tell you what, Peter." "You mean 35 hundred workers have been sacked." "No, 35 thousand." "It's all here." "Let me see what you've got down there." " It's 35 hundred." "You're right." "I made a mistake." " Peter, I want to see it." "I don't want to hear anything more out of your mouth, I don't believe it." " Now show me your notes." " No." " Yes!" " It's 35 hundred." "Show me, I don't believe what you're saying." "I just want to see the numbers." "Now hold them up." "Hold them up and keep them up!" "And rotate them 180 degrees in my favour!" "Do it!" " Peter, What's that?" " I don't have a monitor, Chris." "I can't see what you are doing" "You know what I'm talking about." "It's just above your right eye." "Yes." "A cobweb." "And how's a cobweb going to dig you out of your numerical mess?" "I don't know." "Peter, You're lying in a news grave." "Do you know what's written on your headstone?" "News." "Peter, thank you." "Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan live in Detroit." "What... is a gay?" "Now back to the stuck train." "One of the commuters, now no more than a bunch of wild savages, has given himself up." "Here's Ted Maul." "All afternoon, aggressive volleys of rubbish thwarted attempts to get the train moving again." "Barricaded into his engine, the driver has constantly to defend himself with tools." "Then, in a rare lull - perhaps the commuters were sleeping or praying to some new god - one of them left the train." "Gerard Hawt, a civil aviation engineer, had broken free from the train of hell, but it had left its mark." "The man was in no state to give an interview, but it was possible to extract the following information" "The commuters are split into two factions, one led by a woman believed to be an insurance broker from Staines they wear blue ink on their heads - and a smaller group who worship fire." "They rallied round a grease-monkey from Acton." "With the signal here still jammed by the dead bird, there's only one hope now - that a police marksman can shoot it out, giving the driver a slim chance of making it to Liverpool Street before he's torn to pieces." "Time for travel now from Valerie Sinatra in the travel pod a mile above the centre of Great Britain." "Valerie, tell me about everything!" " I don't know about everything Chris" " I could teach you." "I do know that it's best to avoid this evening the A1(M) south of Newcastle." "There's a crash that's been going on for several weeks and so far it's involved 9000 vehicles so that's really deathsville." "Good news, however, for travellers on the M25." "Workers have finished cobbling that, so that's great." "The M6, however, in Liverpool is still at a standstill." "That's due to the mad cow hanging from a bridge." "The M50 is clogged again- that's not my fault - and the M11 is slow between junctions 5 and 6 due to some police escorting some birds to the coast" " That's about it, really." " I don't know, It's like a Robertson's factory down there." " Sorry?" " All the jam." "That's right!" "Golly!" "Gay desk now, from Colin Poppshed." "Thanks, Chris." "Quick roundup of today's gayness, now starting with the roads." "The M70 the A3, the B664 and the A48(M), they're all gay as from midnight tonight." "The gay elements are potassium, zinc, hydrogen, copper and argon." "Quick look at the world's walls, the Wailing Wall is gay, Hadrian's Wall is very gay, the Great Wall of China's not gay and the Old London Wall's also stopped being gay." "Gay cars next, they're the same as last night" "All Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985 they stay gay for another fortnight." "And finally, the gay seas are the Caspian and the Mediterranean, so see you there." " Chris." " Thanks, Colin." "He's not gay, by the way." "We wouldn't employ a homosexual." "Offices." "We all know what they're like." ""Can I borrow a stapler, please?"" "But many are undergoing radical restructuring through the work of Lester Beck of Events International." "His latest project was on the offices and people of Clubrox Pharmaceuticals in Windsor." "Yeah, we can ... as much as you want, Harry... (REPORTER) Anthony Ponn is Clubrox's office manager." "He and his sale staff are about to become part of a unique experiment in management training." "An experiment they shall never forget, and from which one of them will never physically recover." "(AMERICAN ACCENT) So what we must do is construct a raft, and onto the raft we will put ourselves..." "Lester Beck is the author of a radical management system known as "disassemblage"." "The disassemblage procedure relies on dismantling each employee's emotional make-up, and then reassembling it in a different order." "What are we?" "Are we human?" "Are we fully human or are we not human?" "What does it mean to be not human?" "We need to be human." "Hmm?" "So, let's get it into the present, huh?" "Let's kick some ass into life!" "The team convene at 6am of the first day and are immediately disassembled." "You know that you often say "er" instead of speaking?" "Did you know that?" " No." " Has everyone else noticed this about Anthony?" " (ALL) Yes." " Every time you say "er", we're going to remind you that you are saying "er" by going "er" as well." "OK?" "Don't take it personally." " Er, I..." " (ALL) Er!" " I'm the, er..." " Er!" " I'm the office manager, er..." " Er!" " I'm responsible for the, er..." " Er!" "The..." "I'm the office manager." "I'm re..." "Er..." " Er!" " All right!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "(LESTER) Good." "I want you to give Christine a gift, and the gift you're gonna give Christine is the gift of the truth of who she is to you." "John." "You dress like an old lady and you've got a stupid face." "Good." "Hit Christine." " Christine, say thank you." " Thank you." "Good." "Lisa." "You're hairy and you're lonely and you..." " Just two will do Lisa." " You're hairy and you're lonely." "Hit Christine." "Good." "Anthony." "You've got no sense of humour and you're always there." "Christine, hit Anthony." " Ow!" " Good." "Beck takes the team out into the field to test purchasing techniques." "OK, what we're going to do we're going to buy a newspaper," "OK, and this is where we're going to get what we want." "John." "Hello, my name's John." "I'd like a "Today" newspaper, please." "25?" "Got the right change." "Thank you very much." "Good, John!" "Anthony!" " Can I just ask?" " Buy a paper, Anthony!" " One thing, though..." " Buy a paper!" "I don't know, because I've already bought one, you see, and I don't know if I should buy the same one or, er" " That's not important for the exercise!" " (ALL) Er!" " Can I have, er?" " Er!" " Please stop it!" " Er!" "Buy a paper!" "Buy some candy!" "I don't care!" "I don't know!" "I've got the "Mirror"!" "I've got it!" "I've got the "Mirror"!" "Coming up" " Clinton welcomed home after machine-gunning 400 buffalo... and the seige on the stuck train has ended." "A police marksman shot the dead bird out of the signal at 7 o'clock this evening and the train, which had been stuck on the line for 57 hours, full of commuters going berzerk, pulled off in a cloud of burnt diesel." "By the time they arrived in London, most of the commuters had put their clothes back on and wiped off the blood." "More cuts in the NHS have been announced today." "Here with a resumé of its 30-year decline, Pheeona Haahlahm." "Few people would deny that were it one of its own patients, the NHS would be on the critical list." "What was once the healthy bouncing boy-child of Ernest Bevin is now barely more than a disease-wracked breathless corpse, but why?" "In 1979, funding for the NHS stood at over 10 billion pounds." "But by the late '80s, government cuts left the service with 37% less cash." "So that's only 3% in real terms." "So what, in the end, will happen to this?" " Chris." " Thank you, Pheeona." "I'm joined by the Junior Minister of Health, in our one- to-one discussion area, Matthew Krean." "Now, Mr Krean, you've taken the money out of the NHS, you're the man responsible here, what do you say?" "I want, I want to say..." "I want to discuss this report." " Well, let's not discuss this report, let's discuss the figures" " No, we have to discuss the report, because this report is a tissue of lies!" " It is..." " Hang on a second, let's just stick to the figures, shall we?" " You're destroying the lives of patients, what do you say about that?" " No, I want to stick to this report!" " This report is a tissue of lies, it's completely jaundiced" " What are you saying?" "Lies?" "Absolute lies!" "It's nonsense from beginning to end!" "Lies." " How dare you say this!" " I want it to ..." "I think this report is a perfect example of tabloid television" "I'm not prepared to listen to this." "I'm not having anymore of this I didn't come here for this." "I don't want to come back again." "(CHRIS CONTINUES MUTTERING)" "(CHRIS) I'm off." "And I'm never coming back." ""The Day Today" - bagpiping fact into newsl" ""Enviromation", from me, Rosy May." "The war raging between two nations of crabs in the Bay of Biscay has claimed more human lives." "Last night, a Portuguese trawler was dragged underwater by the turbulence of a massive battle between over 400 million crabs fighting for territory on the ocean floor." "Blinking." "In England, over 700 million hours a year are spent blinking." "That's why a Leeds firm has built a special light which switches itself off for the duration of each blink" "The device is also triggered by other activities which don't require light such as sleeping and grieving." "I'm Rosy May and the world is at my teat." "Staying now with the world, but it's the human world this time which is around... the animal world and sometimes on top of it, making politics and events, rather than environment stuff, with "The Day Today" international news round-up." "Moscow." "Hello, Chris." "Here in Moscow, it's Russia's chronic nuclear waste problem that's dominating the news live this hour." "The latest plan is to hand out small parcels of plutonium waste to schoolchildren." "Nuclear experts visit schools and the children are taught songs celebrating the efficiency of atomic power." "(SINGS)" "At the end od the day, the children queue up for their plutonium, which comes in a bag, bearing the instruction "Take this home and deal with it"." "(CHRIS) Tokyol" "Thanking you, live from Tokyo, where it's 3:30 in the morning." "That's minus 7 in new Japanese time." "In just seven hours, the first of 30 full-size duplicate Japans will be switched on, and all clocks will be reset to 00000." "The new Japans have been three years in construction, involving perfect replication of cities and people and children." "The raft of new countries, which extends over 5,000 miles into the Pacific, has been hidden until now, but was spotted yesterday from an aeroplane." "Japan has so far refused to comment." "(CHRIS) Romel" "Live, thanks, from Rome, where the two French boys who hacked into the Vatican computers and changed Catholic doctrine are still being held by cardinals in Assisi." "In a sensational development today, a video showing Stefan and Jed Mandrot, bruised but alive, was broadcast on Italian television with Vatican approval." "(SPEAKS FRENCH)" "The boys were snatched from the street two days ago and held in a turret after admitting they had tapped into the new Vatican theology bank, a computer which contains the full doctrine and law of the Catholic church" "The Vatican realised the computer had been tampered with when they discovered Jesus had died of food poisoning in aged 19 and Lou Reed had been canonised as a saint." "And that's the way the world is today from Rome." " From Tokyo." " And from Moscow." "(ALL) Goodbye." "Chris." "Wrong, all of you!" "Because Collately Sisters is doing the business, not me." "Thanks, Chris." "And there was a big whoop of dismay in the city today, Chris, when Troublefinch Duskyholdings chopped off an eighth at 2.44 after a disappointing gutter surge tomorrow." "Chris." "The Central Numerical Council issued the new seven today." "It'll be three kilos heavier than the old seven, and made of glass." "Chris." "Collately Sisters." "Spackhandy Choptubes up 2.4, but let's see how the pound did today with a quick look at the Currency Susan." "And as you can see it started off today quite healthily as a medium Susan, while the yen surged to a quite attractive, popular Susan, by close of trading with the mark resting on a plain, dumpy Susan with bad ears." "Chris." "Summary." "Business." "Chris." "Your complaints." "This is my complaint, right." "TV is the most unkinnin', unhappenin', unsucceeded piece o' sheet in the 'hood now." "You gotta get it, totally discount ya." "More in the area, see?" "I'm talkin' more ragga, more boggle, more death metal and Belgian house." "You hear me?" "Let's get TV bangin', mud the far cuss." "When I drive my car, I am not driving," "I am participating in a conspiracy called traffic." "I will walk." "Time now for the weather with Sylvester Stuart on the weather pinball." "Starting tonight in the southwest, where it should rain in drops the size of a wrestler." "But fortunately, most of the rain there not quite reaching the ground." "On now to Scotland and the north of England quite warm, about the temperature of a cow." "However, a very stupid area of low pressure, moving from the Midlands, will bring some heavy breezes later on, a bit like the first rush of euphoria induced by a large dose of heroin" "On to the north-east, there'll be some heavy thunder there, about as loud as a woman." "The summary, then..." "Cool-showers-wet, cool-showers-wet, cool-showers-wet..." " Time now for Alan Partridge - got some sport for us?" " Certainly have." "Great." "And just some late-night soccer results." "Here they are f... for division two." "Goodnight." "Your complaints." "This...this is my complaint, right?" "TV is the most unkinking, unhappening unsussed piece o' sheet in the 'hood right now." " Look at the lens." " Oh, sorry." "You gotta get it." "Totally discount ya." "More in the area, see?" "I'm talking more ragga, more boogle," " more death... mental and..." " Death metal." "...death metal and Belgian house." "You hear me?" "Let's get TV banging, mud far... mud the far cuss." " And look at the camera again and nod your head as you say that." " Mud the far cuss." "And say that again once more into the camera for the last bit" " Mud the far cuss." " Thank you sir" "Back now to The Day Today documentary on the efforts of Lester Beck to revamp the people and offices of Clubrox Chemicals in Windsor." "OK." "Let's make..." "Day three, and Lester Beck places a powerful new variable in the office environment." "If we released a live pig into the office, how would you be able to cope?" "Lisa?" "What?" "The pig that's... our anger?" "No pig, a real pig." "What would happen?" "Would you be able to cope?" "Let's see." "OK." "Please release the pig!" " Release the pig, please!" " (LISA) Oh, no!" "Is a pig!" "OK, this is Snorkle." "Say hello to Snorkle the pig." " Get involved with the pig!" " Who allowed this?" "!" "It's standard practice at Events International to intertextualise... (ANTHONY) This is my office!" " Get a knife!" " Shh!" " Get a knife!" "Let's kill it!" " (ANTHONY) Stop it!" " Get a knife or something..." " This is my office!" "Shh!" "Anthony, wi?" "And you." " Stop shouting!" " It might have a baby!" " It will if you keep shouting." " Listen to Christine, she's speaking sense here" "And you stop shouting. ple... and Please" "Can we just?" "Just let's put some paper down and keep it happy." "Come on!" "Come on, pig!" "(PHONE RINGS)" "See, the pig doesn't care about you, but you care about the pig." "This is your problem." "Hello?" "Um..." "Um..." "We're a bit... tied up at the moment." "C-Can it wait?" " (LESTER) Tell them about the pig." " Well, we've got, er..." "We've got, er..." " (ALL) Er!" " I'm sorry." "We've got a pig in the office." "A pig." "Yes, it is a real one." "Please continue that conversation..." "Meanwhile, in training sessions, one employee, John Histons, questions Beck's techniques." "Let me ask you a question, when you go to the toilet, do you have an Armitage Shanks interface defecation scenario, or do you just have a shit?" "Mommy's gone, and you want to cry like a baby." "You..." "That's good, John." "Help him on to the carpet." " Down you come." " And John?" "John?" "I want you to Imagine that the carpet is your mother." "Beat up on your mom who left you!" "Go on!" "Get it out, John." "Go on!" " Go on!" "Hit it!" "Hit it John!" " Don't cheat on yourself." " Imagine it's your mother!" "Go on!" " It's your mother" " (JOHN) Why did you go?" " Kick it!" "Go on!" "Kick it!" "She left you John." "She didn't understand that you were suffering." "and it's taken you 25 years to get over it but you're doing it now, John." " That's good." "Beat up on the carpet!" " (LISA) Go on, John." "Don't give up!" " She's taken all the best years of my life..." " Christine, Christine, don't get too excited." "OK, let's look at next week, please..." "Three months later, the office at Clubrox has been rationalised." "...tell him to ring back in five, please.." " em.. and the Egham account...." " I'll do it on the same day." "Lisa, now. the dry-calling in the Windsor area was very weak last week." "If you could really push it next week, that would be excellent." " Yes, I can." " Brilliant." "That's all." "For John Histons, the training course was his last memory of the company." "He left shortly after it to follow a new direction." "Well, a lot people very surprised when ended up in a butcher's, but... the office, well, it wasn't really me, you know?" "But here I know... exactly what to do." "I like meat." "I like working with meat." "I'm happy with it." "In a way, I respect it more than people." "(INTERVIEWER) If you saw Lester Beck, how would you react?" "Er..." "I'd probably stab him with this knife." ""The Day Today" - news feltch!" "And just time for a quick look at tomorrow's, er..." ""The Independent" - " Bank of England recovers from swollen chairman unusualness."" "The "Telegraph" go with, "Simon Rattle lost in cress."" "The " Daily Mail" pretty keen on " Lassoed bat wins Booker." they devote four pages to that." "The "Daily Mirror" rather upset, "Fleetwood Mac buried in dog avalanche."" "And "Today" ride with "Old woman killed by little glass planet."" "that's a story there by Andrew Penman Due to a printing error tomorrow's "Guardian" is full of water." "That's it." "That's "The Day Today" on the day the world learned that Cliff Richard is pregnant." "Goodnight."