"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend"" "Ma, did you have a sardine sandwich for lunch again?" "Dreyfuss!" "Ma, what the hell is Dreyfuss doing here?" "Calm down." "I just ran into Harry Weston." "They're all leaving town, and they needed someone to watch Dreyfuss." "I volunteered." "Yeah, well, unvolunteer." "Why?" "You think I can't do it?" "You think I'm irresponsible?" "Yes, Ma." "You think I'm forgetful?" "Yes, Ma." "You think I'm irresponsible?" "You already said that." "That's emphasis." "You never heard the "I have a dream" speech?" "Ma, face it." "You cannot be trusted." "Every time you get yourself into something like this," "I end up covering for you." "I am not gonna end up taking care of this dog." "Did I ever mention that I almost died giving birth to you?" "The pain was so intense, they gave me a towel to bite on." "They gave you a towel at the hospital?" "What hospital?" "You were born on a pinochle table at McSorley's bar." "Hospital?" "Like your father was a member of the Etna family." "The closest he ever got to a hospital was when he came to deliver ice." "Ma, guilt is not gonna work." "You're right, Dorothy." "I was naive to think you'd give an old woman one last chance to regain her daughter's respect." "Now I guess I'll just stick my head in the oven..." "All right, Ma!" "Maybe guilt will work." "But, Ma, this is the last time." "Oh, thanks, pussycat." "You won't regret it." "Now, would you mind taking him out for a walk tonight?" "Ma, forget it, forget it." "The dog is all yours." "Oh, come on." "Why is there a big hairy beast in my house?" "My guess is because he bought you dinner." "Well, Blanche, I gotta run." "Well, thank you for a lovely afternoon, Gary." "I hope I see you again real soon." "You can count on it." "Bye, Gary." "Well, you and Gary certainly seem to have hit it off." "Well, why shouldn't we?" "The man's perfect." "He only owns the most successful chain of funeral homes in Greater Miami." "With this heat wave we're having, he's got 'em stacked up like firewood in all four locations." "Hi, girls." "Is she here yet?" "Who, Rose?" "My sister." "I left you a note on your bathroom mirror." "Why did you leave a note on my bathroom mirror?" "It was the only one that had enough steam." "Which sister is this, Rose?" "My younger sister Holly." "Frankly, I'm not too happy about it." "This is a terrible thing to say, but I don't really like her." "We haven't gotten along since we were kids." "Why is she coming here, then?" "Well, she's here on business." "She's a world-renowned flautist." "She plays the flute?" "No, Dorothy, she plays the flaut." "It's a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba, except it's got hair on the bottom." "Of course she plays the flute!" "I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a little wound up." "(doorbell)" "That's Holly now." "Will you guys help me through this?" "Well, sure, absolutely." "Thanks a million." "God, I hate this woman." "Holly." "Oh, Rose!" "Oh, Rose!" "It's so good to see you." "You look just wonderful." "So do you." "Come on in and meet my friends." "This is..." "Wait, wait!" "Let me!" "She's attractive, witty, and great fun to be with." "This must be Dorothy." "And she's smart, sexy and stylish to a fault." "This must be Blanche." "Did I get it right?" "You're right." "Thank goodness." "I worried all the way over here I'd get it backwards." "I could have lived with smart and sexy." "You do live with smart and sexy." "Who's this?" "Holly, this is..." "Oh, wait, now, Rose, let me." "She's feisty, zesty, and full of old-world charm..." "Sophia!" "She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap, Rose's sister." "Don't mess with me, kid." "I have the home-court advantage." "Honey, what you looking for?" "Nothing." "Now, Sophia, tell me the truth." "All right." "Dreyfuss is gone." "He ran away?" "No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation." "Of course he ran away." "When?" "I'm not sure." "I have it pinpointed sometime between 10:15 today and late last Thursday." "You have no recollection of Dreyfuss since last Thursday?" "I have no recollection, period, since last Thursday." "Anything could have happened in three days." "I just hope I'm not carrying Steve Garvey's baby." "Honey, listen, don't panic." "As soon as the girls get home from work, we'll fan out through the neighborhood and find Dreyfuss." "No go, Blanche." "I need to handle this myself." "Why?" "Because if Dorothy finds out I lost Dreyfuss, she'll never trust me with anything again." "That's why I'm begging you." "Please, promise me, on your mother's grave, you won't breathe a word of this to Dorothy." "You promise?" "Yes, sure, Sophia." "Good." "Now I can save what I know about you and the twin rabbinical students for another time." "(doorbell)" "Hi, Rose." "Hi, Gary." "Come on in." "I just wanted to drop off Blanche's earrings." "They must have fallen off in my car the other night." "I'll get Blanche." "She's in the kitchen." "No, don't do that." "Actually, there's something I want to talk to you about." "What is it, Gary?" "Rose, I find you very attractive." "Much more attractive than most of the women I come in contact with." "Aren't most of the women you come in contact with dead?" "What I was talking about is us." "Would you consider going out with me?" "What about Blanche?" "I think it would be best if she stayed at home." "Unless you know something that I don't." "You're disgusting!" "Gary, hi!" "What are you doing here?" "I was just bringing back your earrings." "Well, I've gotta run." "Thank you." "See you Saturday?" "You bet, darling." "Rose Nylund, if I didn't know better," "I might think you were tryin' to steal my boyfriend." "I'm innocent, Blanche." "I know it." "That's why Gary's dating me." "Ha ha ha!" "He's a lewd, horny, oversexed beast with five hands!" "You don't have to build him up to me, honey." "I like him fine already." "It's 5:00." "Where's Holly?" "Out with Dorothy, I think." "Still?" "Oh, I'm gonna owe Dorothy big for this one." "You know something, Rose?" "I don't think you're being fair to Holly." "Now I spent three afternoons with her this week, and she was lovely company each time." "Last night she even took me out to Antonio's." "Antonio's?" "But that's right down by my office." "Why didn't you guys call?" "Holly did call." "She said somebody said you weren't there." "But I was." "Well, I guess it was just a mix-up." "The point is, we had a terrific time." "I really like Holly." "(laughter) Holly!" "That has to be one of the funniest stories I've heard in ages." "Doesn't Rose ever tell St. Olaf stories?" "All the time." "Hello, Blanche." "Hi, Rose." "Hi, darling." "Well, it sounds like you girls had a nice afternoon." "Nice doesn't begin to describe it." "We went shopping, we had lunch, we saw a movie, and we picked up theater tickets for tonight." "Oh, great." "What are we seeing?" "Oh, I feel terrible." "See, you told me you'd probably be busy tonight, so I just got seats for Dorothy and Blanche and me." "Oh, well, honey, don't worry." "You can have my ticket." "Oh, no, Dorothy, that wouldn't be fair." "No, the three of you should go." "And we can meet for coffee afterwards." "Oh." "Great." "She's doing it again." "First it was Antonio's, then it was the tickets." "She's leaving me out intentionally." "Rose, they were just misunderstandings." "Now you're overreacting." "I guess so." "Oh, these things happen between sisters all the time." "I remember once my sister Virginia wouldn't talk to me for a month, all because I smiled at her boyfriend." "There." "Listen to Blanche." "Of course, I was skinny-dipping on his property at the time." "Don't listen to Blanche." "All right, it was his bathtub." "We were blowing suds off of each other when she walked in." "Blanche, what is the point of this story?" "Point?" "There's no point." "I just like telling it." "Well, Blanche, what do you think?" "Sophia, what have you done?" "Saved my puckered little Sicilian behind, that's what." "When Dreyfuss didn't come home again this morning," "I went to the pet shop and got a duplicate." "Amazing, isn't it?" "Yeah, except for one thing." "Dreyfuss came home this afternoon." "Holy cow!" "Don't worry, just take that dog back to the pet shop." "I can't, the pet shop's closed till Monday." "(Dorothy) Somebody help me with the groceries." "Oh, great." "That's Dorothy." "I gotta get both dogs into my room." "Come on, boys." "You know, Sophia, I'm not too sure that's a good idea." "Dorothy sees me with these two, she'll know I screwed up." "Yeah, but there's something I think you're not considering here." "Sophia!" "Oh, dear." "Sophia, I think you're makin' a big mistake." "I just need to keep the new dog hidden till Monday." "It's a piece of cake." "That's not the mistake I mean." "With both those dogs in the same room, how are you gonna know which is the old one and which is the new one?" "I'm screwed." "Oh, come on, help me with these." "We have to meet Holly at the movies in ten minutes." "OK." "I am so mad, I could spit." "Rose, what happened?" "It's Holly." "Those directions she gave me for meeting you guys for lunch were totally wrong." "Come on, now, Rose, you don't think she did that to you on purpose?" "Well, I do." "Oh, honey, that's silly." "You don't know Holly." "She just got her directions all mixed up." "It was a mistake." "Just like it was a mistake leaving me out of dinner at Antonio's, and a mistake leaving me home from the play?" "Rose, you are overreacting to this." "Now calm down." "Let's just go and enjoy the movie." "What movie?" "We're meeting Holly." "Didn't she mention it to you?" "No!" "And I'll suppose you'll say it's just a silly mix-up." "Well, I'm not falling for that again." "I'm not going." "Fine, Rose, fine." "But I do think it's time that you realized that Holly is a terrific person and would not do anything to hurt you or anybody else." "And the sooner you realize that, Rose, the happier we'll all be." "Come on, Blanche." "Another slice of cheesecake, Blanche?" "Oh, I really shouldn't." "Honey, what harm can it do?" "Lately you've been eating like a bird." "Yeah, Rodan." "Oh, girls, I'm so glad you're still up." "I need to talk to you." "I have a problem." "Oh, honey, we know you do." "You gotta stop buying your hair colorin' out of the 99-cent-or-less bin at the Pic 'n Save." "This problem has to do with Holly." "Her hair's not the color of a Twinkie." "Holly has done something terrible," "Blanche, and I think you ought to know..." "Listen, darling, whatever it is," "I'm really not interested." "What?" "Blanche and I have been talking about this." "There is a problem, all right, but it's not between us and Holly, it's between you and Holly." "Ever since she arrived, you've been trying to convince us that she's been doing terrible things." "And, Rose, it simply isn't true." "See, we happen to like Holly." "So, whatever the problem is, will you just kind of leave us out of it and you settle it with her, OK?" "All right, Rose, out with it." "What did Holly do that's so terrible?" "Why do you care?" "You won't believe me anyway." "Hey, Sicilians can always recognize two things - when someone is telling the truth, and when they've had their fingerprints changed." "I know whatever you're gonna say is the truth." "This afternoon I saw Blanche's boyfriend, Gary Tucker, kissing my sister Holly." "Oh, please." "You're such a liar." "I swear on my mother's grave." "OK, OK, I believe you." "What should I do, Sophia?" "Well, this is a very complex and perplexing question." "It has to do with honesty, friendship, love, hate..." "all the biggies." "So what should I do?" "Please!" "Socrates sat under an olive tree in a sheet for years thinking about this kind of stuff." "I'm a poor immigrant with a third-grade education." "Give me two minutes!" "Sorry." "OK." "I got it." "My Uncle Carlo always used to say," ""Honesty is the best policy."" "Of course, Uncle Carlo died a penniless drunk." "I don't understand." "The point is, if you're honest every second of every day, it doesn't always turn out for the best." "That was the case with my Uncle Carlo." "He honestly remembered the license number of the trigger man in the Sanducci vendetta." "So what you're saying is that because nobody's gonna believe me anyway," "I'm better off if I let people find out what's going on for themselves." "I wouldn't chisel that into a stone tablet, but it sounds serviceable at this hour." "Oh, thanks a lot, Sophia." "Good night." "Uh, hold it, Rose." "I need some advice too." "You need advice from me?" "Yeah, frightening, isn't it?" "It's about Dreyfuss." "OK." "What about Dreyfuss?" "The other day I thought he was lost, so I got a second dog, and then the first one came back." "Sophia, are you kidding me?" "Come see for yourself." "Wow, two Dreyfusses." "No, one Dreyfuss." "I want to return the second, but I don't know how to tell which is which." "That's where you come in." "What do I do?" "Well, there's only one thing I can think of." "We used to do it back on the farm, and I may be a little rusty, but it's worth a shot." "Whatever it is, do it." "I'm desperate." "OK." "Here goes." "Dreyfuss, come here, boy!" "This one's Dreyfuss." "I don't get it, Blanche." "This isn't like you." "Come on, Gary calls at the last minute, cancels your date." "You're not the least bit upset or suspicious." "Well, Dorothy, give me some credit." "What kind of person would doubt a man whose mother needs emergency gallbladder surgery to save her life?" "Besides, the hospital said the operation would take five hours, and that restaurant just would not hold our reservations past 8:30." "Blanche, Dorothy!" "I wasn't expecting you home till later." "Well, I got off work early, and Blanche's plans were canceled." "So what are you up to tonight, Holly?" "Oh, nothing." "Just a quiet evening at home." "Where did those pants come from?" "According to the label, The Gap." "Hold it, Dorothy." "Don't you get it?" "Holly has company!" "Well!" "Nice going, girl." "You're a pretty fast worker." "I guess that's something we have in common." "That's something else you have in common." "Gary Tucker." "You miserable, no-good lowlife!" "You told me your mama was havin' surgery." "She is." "Blanche, please let me explain." "Why?" "So you can make up some cockamamie story about how you're two ships that passed in the night and it'll never happen again?" "Save your breath, I've heard all that before." "You have?" "Yes, only usually I'm one of the ships." "Well, Rose, it's all out in the open now." "I can see that." "Holly, I'd like to speak with you in the kitchen, please." "Well, uh, I'll just grab my pants and go." "(barks)" "Holly..." "Rose, I don't need a lecture." "It's over." "No, it's not." "I'll leave in the morning." "Obviously, I won't be coming back." "So that's where it ends?" "Well, that's neat, isn't it?" "You walk in here, borrow my friends for a while, then start acting like a stupid jerk and waltz right out as if nothing ever happened." "Do you want an apology?" "I want an explanation." "Holly, I can't figure you out." "You're smart, you've got a career, you're attractive." "Why do you always have to act like such a jackass?" "Maybe I just never learned to be the great person my big sister was." "Oh, Holly." "It's true, Rose." "You always had the friends." "I didn't." "You had boyfriends, girlfriends." "You were friends with every animal on the farm." "I never learned how to make friends." "You never learned how to keep friends." "You never thought of anybody but yourself." "It's about time you stopped looking around for other people to blame." "This is your problem." "Oh, I always used to feel so guilty for not getting along with you, but that's over." "Just because we're sisters doesn't mean we have to be friends." "I'd like to be someday, but you're gonna have to make the first move." "Goodbye, Holly." "Honey, are you all right?" "I'm fine." "Oh, Rose, honey, can you ever forgive us?" "Well, it all depends." "Will you believe what I say from now on, even if it isn't what you want to hear?" "Oh, of course we will." "Will you believe me when I tell you that somebody isn't as nice as they seem?" "Of course we will." "Will you believe me when I tell you about how our pig Lester always predicted the Best Supporting Actor" "Oscar winner every year since 19..." "Don't push it, Rose." "OK, I forgive you." "Oh, there he is." "I've been looking all over for that dog." "Harry Weston just pulled up." "Time for Dreyfuss to go home." "Now, see, that wasn't so bad, was it?" "No, you're right." "Actually, he was very little trouble." "Yeah, no trouble at all." "Now come on, Dreyfuss, let's go." "Yo, Dreyfuss!" "It's checkout time." "He's acting as though Dreyfuss isn't even his name." "Of course Dreyfuss is his name." "Right, Dreyfuss?" "Dreyfuss!" "Come on." "Maybe we'll swing by the pet shop on the way home."