"[male narrator] Have you ever done something stupid?" "No, I mean really stupid." "Stupid to the point where you and your friends are being shot at?" "This is the craziest thing you've ever done to us!" "Who the fuck is the crazy bitch shooting' at us?" "!" "Oh, that's Juan Garcia's daughter." "We're in love." "Well, then text the bitch and tell her to quit fucking shooting at us!" "What could possibly lead these three best of friends to brave the face of death?" "Money, of course." "♪ California knows how to party ♪" "♪ Shake it down" "♪ California" "♪ Knows how to party..." "Even as children, little Vincent was always concocting some sort of get-rich-quick scheme." "Man, I don't know how I let you talk me into this." "Oh, please." "I'm serious." "I'm black, Vincent, or did you somehow forget that when you came up with this brilliant plan?" "What the hell does that have to do with anything?" "What?" "Man, we try to return that cat and get the reward, you know the first thing old Miss Womack's gonna think is, "I bet it was this little nigga that stole it."" "She wouldn't say that." "Shut up, Kurt!" "Vincent convinced Chris that he would not be singled out just because he was black." "My baby!" "Why is he in a bag?" "This was the eighties, and everyone knew that racism no longer existed in America." "There you go, boys, $40, just like the reward says." "Um, there's something that's a little odd." "Mr. Wiggles has always been an indoor kitty..." "[cat mews] -so I can't imagine how he got out." "Christopher?" "You or any of your brothers, did you leave a door open when you were cleaning out my garage?" "Ms. Womack, that was two years ago you had us clean out your garage." "Your cat's only been missing three weeks." "That's neither fish nor fowl." "I told you, just 'cause I was black," "I was gonna get blamed." "I should kill you, Vincent." "Whatever, look at all this money." "Man, one day we will have a black president, and he will make sure all black people are taken care of, you best believe that." "Not a chance." "Boys, you stick with me, and you'll definitely share in the wealth, 'cause I'm gonna be rich." "[echoing] 'Cause I'm gonna be rich." "[narrator] Why am I reciting this great modern tale in which legends were made?" "Because someone paid me." "So shut up and pay close attention." "[rock music plays]" "Never as a child prophesize about your future wealth, because you end up sleeping on your friend's pleather couch." "[banging on door]" "Who is it?" "Christopher Jefferson Johnson?" "[Chris] Hey, who is that using my government name?" "Think it's Walter, man." "He's dressed like he's going to church." "And you're sweaty, Walter." "[yawns] What up, Walt?" "Uh, Mr. Johnson, you are hereby served." "Serving what?" "What are you serving?" "Goddamn it, I'm sorry, man, look..." "My stupid brother-in-law got me this job as a process server." "She's tagging along with me all damn day, and..." "I'm scared as hell out here!" "I'm real sorry, Chris." "Divorce sucks." "I'm glad it's not me." "Walter, I'm waiting!" "OK, actually, I wish it was me." "Get the fuck away from my house, man." "Come up here and serving me." "You can't even take care of that fucking bitch out there, gotta ride around in a car with rollers all over her goddamn head." "What the fuck you doing with that monkey suit on?" "Sorry, Chris." "You're very sweaty, Walter." "Thanks, man." "Oh, we still on for poker on Wednesday night?" "[both] Yes, Walter." "Yes!" "I'll bring the pizza, you guys." "Fuckin' bitch." "You shouldn't start your day like this." "Man, you've been sitting here living on my couch since October 15, five motherfucking years ago." "I can count that." "I get it." "You need to come to grips with this, uh, reality that you're not that good a salesman, man." "Man, you're talking about my career." "Your career is fucked up." "What is it this week, man?" "Upright Breathe-Right." "Up-breathin' what?" "Breathe what?" "Who?" "You know what, I'm proud of what I do." "It's the Upright Breathe-Right." "It is a vacuum cleaner, is what the fuck it is." "Man, millionaires don't get like this overnight." "I'm trying to do what I need to do, OK?" "I'm going to work to make my millions." "Watch when I come home today." "I got a real job, I fix motors." "People need to drive." "You need to fix your drive, your drive in life, Chris." "While Vincent and Chris toiled to make a dollar out of 50 cents," "Kurt was actually quite wealthy working for his father-in-law, and miserable to boot." "Oh!" "What are you doing?" "You're supposed to be in there." "Yeah, I'm trying." "I can't find my transportation form." "Fuck, you look like hell." "Did you sleep last night?" "Little, uh, wacky-wacky?" "Thanks, thanks, Rick." "It's exactly what I needed right now." "Aaah, just glad it's you and not me, man." "I don't think I could do it." "Do what?" "You gave the last presentation." "Yeah, and I fucking killed that bitch." "No, I'm talking about being the son-in-law of the CEO." "Hello!" "Uh-uh-uh-uh!" "Pfft!" "Please." "You are about to present to the biggest potential client this firm has ever seen." "And your father-in-law, slasher-balls, is gonna be sitting right there, same room, analyzing your every move." "[whistles]" "Kurt." "Kurtie?" "Dude!" "Hey!" "Snap out of it." "Yo!" "What?" "What did you say?" "Fix your hair first." "Oh, and your secretary always stares at my bulge." "See you in the trenches." "Two minutes." "[gasps] Breathe." "Just a panic attack." "I have several hundred of these a month." "You can do this!" "You can do this!" "[exhaling]" "Mr. Pomeroy, it's your wife on line one." "Um... put her through." "OK." "[woman] Hello, darling." "I won't keep you." "I just Wanted to tell you how important this meeting is to daddy." "I know." "Well, I'm not sure you do." "Takanaki Industries is a client daddy's tried to get for years, and it would be unfortunate if you lost this opportunity." "I'm the reason Takanaki Industries is even here today." "Three years of traveling back and forth from Japan, and I got it done." "I would think that you would be calling me, your husband, to say, "Good luck!"" "Hah." "That's cute, honey." "Just keep your eye on the ball." "Remember that it's all on your shoulders." "This family doesn't tolerate losers." "[dial tone] -[moans] [thud!" "] Ow!" "♪ Work for the money, work for the-for the money ♪" "♪ Work for the money, work for the-for the money ♪" "♪ Work for the money, work for the money ♪" "♪ Work for the money... ♪ I like her head, shoulders, knees, ho ♪" "♪ Head, shoulders, knees, ho, Head shoulders knees, ho ♪" "♪ Head, shoulders, knees, ho" "♪ Hey, what's that sound" "♪ Everybody look what's goin' down ♪" "♪ Down to the floor, scrub the ground ♪" "♪ Everybody look when she come around... ♪" "All right, you're gonna be rich, you're gonna be rich, you're gonna be rich." "Hi." "Hi." "Wow, you're hot-- Oh, hi, I'm Vincent Bolero with the Upright Breathe-Right, and you have been chosen from thousands of participants to receive a..." "You got..." "Is it hot?" "Actually, my parents, they just bought me a vacuum right before the semester started, so I'm all good." "Hold on, just give me one second." "They gave me a rebuttal for that-- the pamphlet." "Hand 'em the pamphlet here." "That has all the information." "I have company." "Oh, hey, hi, guys." "What you doing, just chillin'?" "I used to chill." "Let me tell ya, um..." "Ha, I know what that is." "That's not a asthma breather, is it?" "You guys!" "All right, so" "No, you can't have any." "And my parents give me an allowance every month which is not enough to afford this amazing vacuum, so I couldn't even buy one if I wanted to, thank you." "That leads me to the other part of my whole presentation." "Making money." "You, sir." "How would you like to make $10,000 a month?" "Wait, so you make $10,000 a month?" "Dressed like that?" "Um, I don't." "My boss does." "And then the guy above him." "At the office, it's like a tower, OK?" "They have like, you have the level one..." "It's like a pyramid." "They don't think of it like a pyramid." "They say don't say it's a pyramid." "It's better looking at it on the board, but yes, you can, you can make that kind of money." "It's like he's an anchor on the Sad News Network and the special is "My Life Sucks."" "[woman laughs]" "I'm gonna dump this right here." "[woman] No, you're not, whoa!" "Dude!" "Oh, my God!" "Be cool, man." "It's from the vacuum company." "They give me this stuff." "Whoa, hold on, Vince, is it?" "Is this really your job?" "Like, you just bust on in here, dump dirt and shit all over the floor and tell me I can make more money than you do?" "I get it." "I'm the guy being laughed at in the room, right?" "It's not like there's much difference between you and this pile of dirt right now." "This is not very, um... uh..." "There's, uh, you can have it." "I'm sorry." "No!" "What?" "Take it?" "You're not gonna clean this up?" "The vacuum works, so they say." "Wow!" "Oh, my God." "Look, man, when I tell you to go get us some coffee, don't put cream in my shit." "Black people like our shit black!" "Christopher Jefferson Johnson, you ain't playin' no more damn games with me!" "You can wallow that fat ass right on back out that door." "You can wallow your ass if you don't sign these divorce papers." "Bitch, please." "I'm warning you, Chris, you're not gonna mess this up for me." "He's a real man." "He's the next nigga." "Fuck you lookin' at?" "Get your ass to work!" "Affirmative action, that's why I hired your honky ass!" "Get, get, get!" "Now, look here, you think you're gonna get knocked up by this rich motherfucker then try to get a divorce from me so you can run off and get paid and get married and shit?" "It ain't goin' down like that, baby." "Oh, you gonna give me a divorce, you best believe that." "You got an envelope, I got an envelope." "In this envelope is a picture of you, buckin' my brother, Jerome Jefferson Johnson III, and a neighbor, and the motherfucker across the street." "The mailman!" "There's a picture of you in here with peanut butter on your left ass cheek with the dog licking it off, I invented that!" "Now, you wanna get a divorce, you and your rich sugar daddy gonna have to pay me." "That's what it is." "Now, get the fuck out." "Get, rock, agitate the ground!" "Uggh!" "That's a waste of a good ass." "Get to work!" "Fuck you lookin' at?" "Take the tire off, get the engine out the motherfucker, jump in it and drive, kill yourself." "Fuck you, too!" "All you motherfuckers act like you ain't never had a bitch fool around on you." "I ain't the only one up in this motherfucker." "I quit, too, hah, bitches!" "[RB ringtone plays]" "Yes?" "Chris!" "Oh, my God, how are you?" "You know what, I actually don't give a fuck." "Please hold while I get the other half of this shit sandwich on the line." "[ringtone chimes]" "Hello?" "How are ya?" "You're on the phone with the Rickster." "Who the fuck is this?" "I said "the Rickster" the first time." "That's long for Rick." "Who is Rick?" "It's Rick, for fuck sake." "Chris, this is Rick the dick from college." "Why you callin', motherfucker?" "We don't like you anyway." "You still sporting that dick broom on the top of your lip?" "Ha!" "Wow!" "Dick broom." "Still not funny." "You better come up with better material when you go visit your buddy at the funny farm." "You're gonna need to lighten the mood." "Rick, English, please." "Your buddy Kurt completely bombed in the boardroom." "You know what, scratch that, he didn't just bomb, that mo-fo kamikazed it." "Aaah!" "Ooh, ah-soooo!" "Ohhhh!" "What the fuck are you dinks making cars for anyhow?" "You can't drive for shit!" "This is an outrage!" "He fucking hates the Asians." "[mimicking Asians] Harro?" "Bring me some ramen noodles!" "He basically offended everybody in the room." "Mr. Horny, rock-and-roll time!" "[Rick] Then he stepped up to his father-in-law/boss and let him know that he actually prefers to cram it in his daughter's pooper." "I had anal intercourse with your daughter!" "You're finished, you hear me?" "!" "You son of a bitch!" "[indistinct shouting]" "Ah, romantic." "I got to tell ya, it was the singular greatest/worst thing I have ever seen." "Man, I ain't even tryin' to hear this shit." "Christopher, you may not be trying to hear this, but, broheim, it is all true." "[clears throat] Christopher..." "Vincent... never forget this." "Cradle my balls." "Yeah, whatever." "Go fuck yourself." "Guess it can't get any worse than this shit." "Who took the last goddamn roll of toilet paper!" "So, is this what life's all about:" "infidelity, going crazy, hopeless dreaming?" "Wait a minute, hopeless dreaming?" "What?" "Vincent." "Christopher?" "Fuckin' Chodewell?" "That's Chodewell." "That is Chodewell!" "Do you remember him in gym class?" "He had the little rib cage, looked like a bird was in it?" "Yeah, but most adults actually call me by my real name," "Dr. Chadwell." "What are you up to?" "'Cause, you know, you two were the most popular guys in school." "So, Vincent, right, you, you must be a, what, CEO of a multinational corporation by now, and, Christopher, I can only imagine that you... you are playing professional football for all these years," "maybe for the Broncos, am I right?" "No, you missed the mark just a little bit." "I'm actually broke and jobless." "Chris's here's wife's pregnant by another man's semen, and somewhere in this hospital," "Kurt has lost his damn mind with a mental breakdown." "[chuckles]" "Holy shit!" "Wow, you guys." "You are quite the success stories, aren't you?" "Man, Christopher, I still remember that game..." "[reporter] ..." "Armando Garcia..." "[Chris] I was 19!" "[Chadwell] You were 22!" "[Chris] I was 19!" "[reporter] Mr. Garcia is Colombia's biggest drug lord and the head of the Garcia cartel, which is responsible for smuggling tons of cocaine into the United States each year." "Mr. Robinson then issued a $25 million reward out for the capture of Mr. Garcia." "The White House is expected to hold a press conference to further add insight to this newest development." "In other news, do you like cats?" "You know what, fuck you!" "Cho to hell, Chodewell!" "Cho to hell!" "You gentlemen can see Mr. Pomeroy now." "He is pretty sedated, so I suggest you keep your conversation brief." "I'll be quiet." "I was just waiting..." "Come on, man." "Uh-huh, yeah, no, that's right." "[sighs] God, Mom, I gotta go." "Two vagrants just walked in." "I'll have to call security and have them thrown out on their asses." "Uh-oh, Chris, you might want to check the bottom of your shoes." "I think one of us stepped in a pile of bitch." "Funny, Vincent." "I'm not loaning you any money, so you might as well take a hike." "As if I would ever borrow any money from you, Beth." "What the hell does that mean?" "We've supported your ass for years." "Not to mention, you borrow money from everyone you know, you scumbag." "Don't even look at me, man, I don't even like this bitch." "But she got a point." "You owe me $700." "What the hell is with the baby balloons?" "They was on sale, he's a boy." "And it's the thought that counts, all right?" "You're an idiot." "Chocolate?" "That's the last thing he needs, more screw-ups in his life." "He screwed up for the last time with me." "He's lucky that I'm even here right now." "He's in the room!" "He can't hear shit, he looks like a freakin' vegetable, drool and shit coming out of his mouth-- this is fucking disgusting!" "And after what he pulled with daddy today," "I would say divorce is in his slobbering-ass future." "You know what, Brenda, that is some coldblooded shit to say about your husband." "My name is Bethany!" "Bethany!" "Tell your loser-ass friend to get a good divorce attorney." "The less I see of any of you, the better." "You know you want it." "[Bethany scoffs]" "Did she just leave him?" "Yeah." "My man is cracked out." "He ain't cracked out, it's all the Valium they're pumping in his arm." "Look, I don't know what we're supposed to do, 'cause obviously the crazy bitch is not coming back." "All right, just let me think." "Put your mind in gear, man." "Look at you, Kurt." "This is the moment where Vincent saw his opportunity to be rich and famous." "That's it." "Pissin' out his mouth, man." "Whatever, man, fuck him." "We gotta go on vacation, man." "We need a vacation." "What?" "A vacation from our lives." "So this I where I drink the Kool-Aid, right, go to this little island and then die?" "No, I'm not talking about suicide, man," "I'm talking about getting the hell out of the country." "You broke and I got a j-o-b." "And your job sucks." "You're in a fuckin' onesie." "I'm in a dickey:" "that's where my dick go." "Look, man, I'm broke but he's not, and they're still married." "Credit cards, you know what I'm saying?" "Bump the bitch credit card." "Come on, let's get this crazy motherfucker out of here." "Ooh!" "[falsetto] Mr. Chodewell!" "[laughter]" "Grow up!" "Can some" "Hmm-mm-mm." "Yeah, I think we need to stop feeding him Valiums, man." "I know, look at him, man." "He looks like a disaster." "Can you imagine him at our Hollywood parties?" "He's got no tolerance." "How can I help you gentlemen today?" "The three of us adults would like three tickets to Colombia, and you can put it on that man's card." "South Carolina, that's what I'm talkin' about, man." "I got cousins down there." "That's good, man, but we're not going to South Carolina." "Sir, I think he means the country of Colombia." "Colombia!" "Vincent, are you crazy, man?" "That is the drug capital of the world." "I'm black, they're gonna think I'm trafficking-- click-click." "Chill, dude, you'll be fine, man." "Everybody knows the Valley's the drug capital of the world." "Can I carry this on?" "[woman] Yes." "[Kurt groans]" "Betcha they ain't even got black people in Colombia." "I'm pretty sure the entire country was founded by black people." "Right, you geniuses are all set." "Have a wonderful time in the African nation of Colombia!" "How is he?" "Passed out." "They found an empty row, just laid him on down there." "Where did you get them clothes, man?" "Don't be laughing at my clothes, man." "Stewardess gave me this." "That boy slobbered all over my new shirt." "Kurt can never catch a break, man." "Ever." "What?" "Do you want to look in the motherfucking mirror?" "All right, I admit I'm going through a transition right now." "[chuckles]" "Oh, that's funny, isn't it?" "You goin' through a tran" "Vincent, we on a plane." "Where we goin', and why?" "Man... you need to learn to relax." "We are in first class, man." "This is first class." "Look at this!" "What the fuck up, Vincent?" "Promise you're not gonna get mad." "First class!" "What the fuck's up?" "All right." "You know, on the news, every day, that guy," "Juan Garcia, in Colombia." "You know who I'm talking about?" "The drug lord Garcia, chop your head off, yeah, him." "Well, he doesn't necessarily chop your head off." "I mean, we don't know that." "That's what the news is telling us." "All right?" "Listen to what I'm going to say." "I'm listening." "There is a 20..." "There is a $25 million reward for the capture of this dude." "And what the fuck does that have to do with us?" "[whispering] $25 million." "Are you out of your motherfucking mind, Vincent?" "He kill people, man." "Your dog will be dead!" "The motherfucker kidnap families, take 'em over to Colombia and they never come back, man." "I'm not talking about that." "I'm just saying, let's do recognizance." "That ain't even a word, "recognizance."" "We just go look and see what's happening from a distance." "From a distance?" "From a distance." "Like a vacation." "Yeah." "It is a vac" "In first class!" "All right." "I like living, know what I'm saying?" "Ain't nothing like breathing." "I never heard a dead motherfucker come back..." "Well, then breathe..." "and say how good it is to be dead." "...some of this." "Is that them shrooms, motherfucker?" "It is." "Chocolate marsh." "Yeah, you don't have to yell to everybody." "Yes, it is, my nigga, it is." "This motherfuckin' trip just got a whole lot better, know what I'm sayin'?" "[like Cosby] Have the pudding." "Hmm?" "It tastes a little different." "He didn't get much time to put it together, he said." "So... he had to substitute a couple of the ingredients." "What did he substitute?" "Small shit, like butter." "Butter?" "What did he replace the butter with?" "What did he say, hold on?" "Pee-otee?" "Pee-ot-- Pay-ot" " Pee-ari." "Peyote?" "!" "That motherfucker fucked a fire hydrant butt asshole naked on that shit." "On a Sunday, in front of the church." "He said it was cool, man." "If you can't trust your drug dealer, who are you gonna trust, man?" "He does this for a living." "Did you hear what the fuck you just said?" "[kazoo plays]" "Chemistry lesson 101." "Taking a hodgepodge of drugs at 35,000 feet may cause you to simply feel faded." "[rooster squawking]" "♪ I'm trippin' I'm trippin', I'm trippin' ♪" "♪ I'm trippin', I'm trippin' day to day now ♪" "♪ I'm trippin' I'm trippin', I'm trippin' ♪" "♪ I'm trippin', I'm trippin' my life away ♪" "♪ And I'm trippin'" "♪ Trippin' inside and slippin' along with my mind-- ♪ [wind whistling]" "[hawk screeches] [muted drum beating]" "Come on, nancy boy!" "[Chris, thinking] I'm turning white." "Heh heh." "[Orchestra plays Vivaldi's "Four Seasons"]" "Crazy." "Hello, Mr. Johnson." "Please enjoy this bottle of champagne on us." "You mean you're gonna give me a whole bottle of champagne for free?" "[stewardess] Of course, Mr. Johnson." "You're white, you know the rules." "Hi, Mr. Johnson." "The pilots would like a word with you in the cockpit." "Am I in trouble?" "No, silly." "You're white, come on!" "[deep voice] Here, take my pen." "Welcome to first class." "[ch-ching!" "]" "You know what, take my baby." "Come on, now." "[orchestra continues]" "Well, hiya, Christopher." "Come on, son, sit down!" "How'd you like to fly the plane?" "Man, are you serious?" "I don't know how to fly no plane." "[laughter]" "Oh, you old devil, you!" "Come on, son!" "You're white, you can do anything you put your mind to." "[glass shatters, baby cries]" "Well, all right." "♪ I'm trippin'" "♪ Trippin' inside and slippin' along with my mind ♪" "♪ Trippin' inside and havin' a wonderful time ♪ [echoing] You're on peyote!" "Heh-heh-heh!" "Yeah, I can get used to this white shit." "Hmm." "Credit score done went up." "Hah." "Yeah." "Nooooooo!" "After a long flight, our hapless heroes arrive in Colombia, South America, which should be very interesting, as Vincent and Chris believe that Colombia is just another city in Mexico." "Whoa!" "[straining]" "You got him?" "Yep." "[Chris] Oh, man!" "Prop him up against here." "Man, what is this?" "Ain't no black people here, man." "You lied." "I don't know about this shit, but..." "That is not what it looks like in the picture, right?" "It says five stars." "Man, this ain't one star." "This ain't a quarter moon." "This place is nasty, man." "All right, let's go." "Uh, what about Kurt, man?" "What about him, man?" "We're in a foreign country, they love Americans." "Dude'll be fine." "We're Americans!" "[Vincent sighs]" "Three rooms, please." "Three rooms?" "¿Qué necesitas?" "¿Qué necesitas?" "Something about a K and sisters." "¿Ah, necesitas una habitación para alquilar?" "Sólo tenemos una." "I don't know, bro." "You better know, man." "You've been reading that damn Mexican travel guide ever since you was on the damn plane." "Now, figure this shit out, man." "It doesn't say anything about ordering a room, dude." "It says, like, fuckin' plants and soccer and shit, that's it." "Like Escobar, you'd give him a room, wouldn't you?" "Escobar?" "Yeah, Escobar." "Like the soccer player." "Like goal!" "[shouting in Spanish] [woman] iDios mío!" "What the fuck did you just do, Vincent?" "I don't know." "Andrés Escobar is Colombia's best soccer player, says it right there." "Man, let me see this." "No damn wonder." "This is 1992." "This motherfucking magazine is 20 years old." "No wonder she didn't understand what the fuck you talkin' about." "What is that?" "Get y'alls skins!" "Hey, yo, man, look!" "It's a midget with a gat." "You're Americans?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're cool, right?" "Americans." "Why you singing praises to Pablo Escobar?" "We ain't praising' nobody but the Lord." "We're God's children." "We were sent here to build a small mission for the Lord-- mission..." "for Jesus's children." "And we don't know Pablo Escobar, bro." "Put the gun down, please." "Forgive her, she's getting senile in her later years." "All right." "Three rooms." "Twenty American dollars." "Only have one room and one bed." "The hell with that." "Come on, $20?" "Just get the room, man." "Little dude's got a gat." "We can get another hotel tomorrow." "We only accept cash." "You got a spa?" "It's never easy informing one of your friends that while he was in a drug-induced coma, his marriage ended." "But hey, what are friends for?" "[high-pitched weeping]" "Fuckin' hug him." "Fuck you, you hug him." "I'm not..." "I had to tell him." "I had to wipe the slobber off his face the whole flight down here while you were jacking off underneath the blanket." "How did you know I was jacking off?" "Smooth ripples in the blanket." "I should have used the jacket." "Jackets are real smooth, got the material." "When it get crunchy it don't wrinkle up." "I ain't never done it myself but it's what I heard." "Good lookin' out, next time." "That's what's up." "[murmuring]" "I think a drink is in order for you." "So you thought bringing us to a Third World country was a good idea?" "To catch a fucking Colombian cartel drug lord?" "Are you mental?" "Keep it down, man." "These people all look alike." "They could be the cartel." "[Kurt] He's trying to get us killed." "You're gonna get us fucking killed, Vincent." "Maybe it wasn't a well thought out plan, right, but we're here." "So let's just do this." "How could you let this happen?" "I didn't do shit." "He told me we was coming on vacation." "I didn't know we was gonna be doin' Rambo shit." "Have you lost your mind?" "No, Kurt, you lost your mind, and your wife, your job and your dignity, all in, what, three hours?" "I can testify to that." "I can't believe I'm getting a divorce." "Just think about it." "$25 million. $25 million." "Do you know how much that is?" "$8,333,333.33 apiece." "Motherfuckin' Rain Man." "We're still gonna get killed." "None of us know anything about capturing a drug lord." "You can say that again." "He know what he talkin' about." "I didn't think of it like that." "Everybody's got their thing, this is our thing." "Kurt, wouldn't you like to show your ex-wife" "Who said I was a loser?" "[both] She did." "What a bitch." "And, Chris, wouldn't you like to throw a baseball with a kid that's actually yours?" "Yeah, that's funny." "I'd like to do that one of these days." "Come on, man, listen, if we go back to L.A." "like this, broke, what do we got?" "We got shit." "Listen, I'm goin', I'm doin' this." "Now, who's with me?" "Fuck it, I'm in." "Thank you." "I'm still not sure why I'm even here." "Hey, man, grow some nuts so the squirrel can climb up the tree and nibble on 'em." "I'm not even sure that made sense, but you should listen to him." "All right, I'm in." "Let's do this, fuck it!" "And fuck that bitch!" "[Latin music plays]" "Got that shit, man, raise the roof!" "There are my Americano brothers!" "Come on, I take you to the other party with all the girls and cocaine you want... [slurring] I'm goin' with him." "I'm goin' with him and him." "He got pussy, man, you trippin'." "Pussy is not a bad thing." "That's what I'm saying, 'cause you guys are doing it all wrong." "You need to package and combine these drugs for more efficient distribution." "Hmm." "Man, snap out of that grunting shit." "Mmm..." "What?" "Hmm, I'm not grunting." "Could have swore we were drunk." "I'm still drunk. [sniffs] But I'm up, but I'm drunk." "[sniffs] Yeah." "This is Alaska right up here." "This is Alaska." "See all the snow?" "[chuckles] That's Canada." "So we're gonna come in here, and come in here, and come over here." "Hmm." "Man, I need a gun." "We need guns." "Think about it, a .357" "Magnum, if we're gonna do this." "Man, fuck that baby shit." "I need a AK-47." "I could bust a cap in the motherfucker's ass." "Ack-ack-ack." "Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!" "Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!" "You forgot one." "Ack!" "[chuckles]" "Ahem, titties." "Yes, they are." "[Vincent grunting]" "Uh, I'm gonna go say hello to her two friends, tit and tat." "No, no, no, no, we gonna say hello to tit and tat" "We ain't doin' the "we."" "Ain't no sword-fightin', nuts ain't bouncing', no." "No, no, no, we'll Eiffel Tower her, man." "I don't wanna touch your balls either, man." "We get on each end." "I'm not making a porno." "I'm going in here and fuck." "I think it's London Bridge, man." "We'll London Bridge her!" "Oh." "[sniffing]" "Hello. ¿Cómo estás?" "Mm." "Vamos." "OK." "[Chris clears throat]" "[Kurt] If you could smuggle less by sea and more by air... here, in this, uh... [giggles] in this vicinity right here, you could attack the United States where they least expect it." "Jesus!" "Enough." "How do you know so much about... marketing cocaine?" "I..." "I don't know anything." "Oh, you've been teaching everybody like school children." "No, I just know business." "I'm a..." "It's not like it's rocket science." "It's actually common sense." "Oh, so you're calling me stupid!" "No, no, no, I don't..." "I don't even know you." "[slams knife] I don't know when I've been so disrespected in my own homeland!" "[Kurt] But..." "Am I such a man that should be treated like this?" "No." "You know what?" "I don't think I should be the one that should be... discussing your fate." "I think maybe we should take him to..." "Garcia." "Juan Garcia, no, no." "I haven't got-- fate?" "I don't need to see him." "Get him." "Can't we talk about this?" "[murmuring]" "I'm really sorry!" "I didn't mean to!" "That's what I'm talkin' about." "You Mexican girls are hot!" "I'm not fucking Mexican." "Oh, well, whatever." "That's what I'm talking about." "Oh, shit!" "Fuck!" "Aaah!" "She's got a fuckin' dick!" "Damn, I was just about to bust!" "You better be" "Fuck!" "Aaah!" "Shit." "Goddamn, man!" "I just passed a chick with a dick." "I know, man, I touched her fucking ass!" "You touched her ass?" "I did!" "Oh, goddamn, man, eh!" "It's gonna be all right." "Man, this is a freak scene." "That shit make me gay?" "No, just... alternative." "Man, I don't want any more fucking cocaine!" "All right, man, don't do no more blow!" "My friend ain't gay!" "So, she had a dick?" "You didn't touch it, you didn't" "Did you suck it?" "No." "All right, 'cause I was gonna-- Kurt!" "They got Kurt, man!" "They got a gun to his head!" "Come on, man." "Let that shit go!" "Would you like cream and sugar with your coffee, Mister...?" "Oh, Mr. Pomeroy." "Kurt." "Kurt Pomeroy." "And I'll take Splenda, if you have it." "Do you know who I am, Mr. Pomeroy?" "I've, um..." "I've seen news reports about you in America." "How do they portray me?" "They say that you're a..." "Your business is the cause of a lot of violence, both here in South America and in North America." "So I've heard." "Let me say this, Mr. Pomeroy." "Long before our country learned how to capitalize on our largest export, we were a nation in despair." "A very poor country where industry would have never existed or jobs, or schools, as we have today, without cocaine." "The United States suffers from a disease you Americans call multiple personality disorder." "I'm not sure I follow you." "[Garcia] I will explain." "The State Department in Washington sends down a representative every few months." "They work out a special deal with us." "They give us a free route, where we can bypass the Mexican distribution and sell our products straight to the streets." "Now, not having to deal with the Mexicans quadruples our earnings and keeps me from having to deal with those dirty, uneducated field mice, as I like to call them." "Then... the United States' other personality appears." "And they send down a representative calling off all deals and demanding money from me." "Now, I call that extortion, Mr. Pomeroy." "But there's nothing I can do about that." "Yet." "Why exactly am I here?" "My associate here, Mr. Diego, he knows more about this business than anyone that I know." "He overheard you tonight, apparently sharing a great wealth of information on how to improve our business." "And I want to find out what that is." "No, I really, I don't know." "I don't know anything." "One more time... and I'm going to sew your lips shut with your hair." "[Garcia] Mr. Pomeroy, let us take a walk outside." "[chairs creaking]" "As you know from doing business in America, loss is something you cannot tolerate." "Oh, my God, no." "No." "Now Mr. Diego will take you into the study." "There you will find a stack of files that he will explain just enough to get you started." "W-what if I said no?" "Well, I will show you." "Mátalo." "[whimpering]" "God, no!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Good night, Mr. Pomeroy." "She had a dick!" "[guard speaking Spanish]" "Well, what the hell is you sayin', pig?" "Get up!" "Colonel Andreas will see you now." "Brilliant." "What do I owe the honor of being woken up in the middle of the night by one of my soldados speaking about a kidnapping?" "Our friend got kidnapped." "He got taken away in a Jeep." "That's why we came here." "Hombres... you're not answering my question." "Why did you two come into my station at 4 a.m., yelling, screaming, demanding that I be woken up?" "!" "I..." "El kidnappo, kidnappay." "Like we just told you." "Our friend got taken and we're trying to get him back." "[Chris] Hey, hey, look, man." "[car door slams]" "Our friend was taken in a Jeep." "I know damn well he ain't outside that window, man." "Why are you wasting our time?" "We've been here" "Chris, fucking chill." "Third World country." "You should listen to your friend, Mr. Christopher." "That way you might make it out of this country sitting in the seat of a plane and not a wooden box." "[Chris] Look, you took me out of context, man." "You know, I have a problem when I get hot." "You know, I have a mental thing that happens, and it's kind of like Tourette's-- motherfucker!" "You know, so, uh... shit!" "Sorry." "Sir." "I cannot help you." "You need to head to Bogotá and see someone in the US embassy." "They will be able to help you." "Carlos. [speaking Spanish]" "This way, let's go." "No, we're not done here." "[shouting in Spanish] -[Carlos] Yes, I've got a gun!" "You can put that down." "Go, go!" "iRápido, vamos!" "Is this some Mexican boardroom?" "Hey, what are we doing here?" "You're in some shit already just by coming to the station last night." "They know!" "Who knows?" "Garcia cartel." "The cartel!" "Keep your voices down!" "They're everywhere, even in this policía station!" "How do they know who we are?" "You two idiots came in here yelling at the top of your lungs about some kidnapping." "They would kill me if anyone found out I was telling you this, so listen carefully." "You're going to go to the embassy and tell them about your American friend." "Tell them he's being held by... one Armando Garcia of the Garcia cartel." "They will start a negotiation for his release in two or three months." "Two or three months?" "Are you crazy?" "They got him now!" "You have no other choice." "Now that they know you're here, they will kill you, sure enough." "Why you want to help us?" "My people have lived in fear of cartel regimes over 30 years." "The United States is our only hope on stopping them and their murderous ways." "Having an American kidnapped will bring exposure to this and help with our efforts." "There's gotta be another way." "I may know someone." "Who?" "There's this guy." "He's a former American Special Forces unit guy." "He's very local." "Name is Jon Waters." "He lives in the old church in the middle of the village." "Oh, and another thing." "This is Colombia, not Mexico." "We're not Mexican, you imbeciles!" "Wait a minute." "How do we get in touch with you?" "You don't." "[speaking Spanish]" "What did he just say?" "I think he said we're fucked." "What the fuck." "Man, you always getting me in some shit!" "[Garcia] Very, very, very, very..." "Oh, very good!" "Yes, oh!" "The US involvement." "[chuckles]" "Very good, Mr. Pomeroy." "I see you and I are going to have a very fruitful business relationship." "You, my friend, are going to be very rich." "Uh... with all due respect, Mr. Garcia, I, uh..." "I have a wife and a job back in L.A." "I, uh..." "I can't stay here." "Mr. Pomeroy." "Your wife filed for divorce in a Los Angeles courtroom yesterday afternoon." "And as for your job... my associate informed me that you no longer have one." "You see, Mr. Pomeroy, information is extremely valuable in our business." "You have spies?" "No." "We have Google." "Now, why don't you just make yourself comfortable?" "Make yourself at home, Mr. Pomeroy." "The choice to stay is not yours." "But your choice to live." "Yes." "Come." "Come." "Come!" "Please." "I want you to check out the view." "You may find it somewhat..." "meaningful." "Oh, God!" "My God!" "Even in a moment of sheer terror at what he had just witnessed, no man can resist the mysterious and majestic beauty of the punani." "This has gotta be it." "Looks like the place to me." "What do you think "fuck off" means?" "It means don't come in the motherfucker but knock anyway." "[man] Go away!" "My name's Vince, this is Chris." "We're looking for Jon Waters!" "[Jon] How do you know my name?" "What do you want?" "Look, Policía Carlos sent us over here, man." "We're just looking for help!" "[Jon] I don't know no Carlos." "Fuck off!" "Come on, man, our friend got kidnapped by the cartel!" "[both] Ohh!" "Hey, that's my manhood you got that shit pointing at." "Jon, put away the fucking guns, man, we're cool!" "What the fuck is going on?" "IDs now." "Come on, Jon, we're cool." "[Jon] Hey, you're Americans." "No shit, can we just come in?" "Boy's a genius." "Come on, get in there!" "This motherfucker's in his underwear." "All right, take a seat, tell me your story." "[Chris] Man, this makes South Central look like Beverly Hills." "[Jon grumbling]" "[dish shatters]" "Oh, well." "[clears throat]" "Tell me your story." "All right, we came out here on vacation." "We went to a party." "Cartel members kidnapped our friend." "We were told that you can help us." "You want me to light that dog dick you puffin' on?" "I don't smoke." "How do you know it's the cartel?" "The guy at the police station told us" "Heh heh heh heh heh!" "What are you doing?" "Ha." "You can't go to the police." "Are you fucking crazy?" "They don't do anything." "I tried to tell him, man." "I got warrants, I told you." "The police stations are connected all over the world." "They got computers now." "Thank you, my fellow negro." "I came here in '89." "With Special Ops Division." "Dropped us in the jungle 30 clicks south of Medellin." "Did you just eat that?" "We've been out here for an hour." "Special search and destroy mission for Pablo Escobar." "The soccer player, thank you." "Who?" "No, man, I'm talking about Pablo Escobar, the most dangerous drug lord in the world." "You short bus recipient." "That's why the lady was crying at the hotel." "How am I supposed to know there's more than one person in Colombia named Escobar?" "Are you sure he did not play soccer?" "Man, I don't know." "So there we were, waiting for our orders." "But they didn't come." "Some asshole in Washington decided to push it back, so weeks turned into months, months turned into years, and next thing you know, finally the order comes through." "And, man, we were ready." "And we went in there, quieter than a virgin's queef." "And we took him out on the roof of his own home." "[chuckles]" "Yeah, but then again, some yahoos in Washington decided... to give credit for a job well done to the Colombian army." "Now, those monkeys-- excuse the expression-- wouldn't have been able to find Pablo Escobar if he was hiding in their own jock strap." "Yeah, well..." "So I've been waiting here ever since to take down the cocaine cartel." "You want some?" "Yes, I do." "What is it?" "Urine." "It's what?" "You drinking your own piss?" "Oh, hell no!" "[laughter]" "I couldn't fill this up by myself." "No, I got a couple of guys who go to the bars downtown and fill it up fresh." "Gives your skin a really nice glow." "You'd understand that." "Can you help us or what, bro?" "Let me ask you a question." "Do you want help getting your friend back or do you wanna take down the cartel?" "Look, man, we're willing to do whatever it takes." "We just don't wanna die, if you know what I'm saying." "We like being alive." "OK." "I will train you." "[rapping table]" "But, boys, now is the time where you make the decision to be man enough to call yourself soldiers." "Because once you go into this thing, there is no turning back." "Once you awaken the beast, you better have the balls to slay him." ""Dinner at the Garden." "I will send for you." "Maria."" "Hmm, what's that?" ""Don't even think about cancelling."" "[playing "Greensleeves"]" "I cannot believe that you did that to your best friend." "He probably wanted to kill you." "Oh, he did." "Vincent hates it when you mess with his hair, let alone shave it." "But enough about him." "What do you call this again?" "Carne con salsa de tamarindo." "It's the best one I've had." "What did I tell you?" "Right?" "Oh, my God." "Why do you speak such good English?" "Well, I was born here in Colombia, but I was educated in the States." "Actually, spent most of my life in New York City." "But I got pretty homesick so I decided to come back to be with my father." "That's... that's really sweet." "I like you, Kurt." "I really like you, too, Maria." "And I'm honored that a woman as beautiful as you would want to have a dinner like this with me." "But I'm a little concerned about your father and some of his men." "Have you seen what goes on here?" "It's not always that pretty." "Listen, my father gives these men opportunities that they would have never received anywhere else in this country." "He gives them a chance at a good life, you know?" "I'm pretty sure I saw a man ripped in half today." "They're not always appreciative as they should be." "It's sad." "I weep for them." "I just want you to know that I respect your father." "I mean, I..." "I respect him." "A lot." "[speaking Spanish]" "Gracias." "It doesn't sounds as nice when he says it." "[rooster crows]" "Goddamn, man, my head fucking is killing me." "Hey, morning'." "Whose idea was it to drink moonshine?" "I didn't drink it, man." "You and old boy was up singing and dancing like y'all was best friends forever." "You do realize this dude's bat-shit crazy, right?" "Pretty much." "I'm telling you, Vince, this is like some movie shit." "And I know how this story goes." "How does the story go?" "Man, you ain't never seen them Harrison Ford movies?" "You know, he starts out in Washington." "Then he comes down to South America." "Next thing you know, all his friends get blown up by rockets and shit." "Keep going." "They probably already took his ID out his wallet, right?" "Found out his address." "They probably sent a hit man to his crib in L.A." "and killed his wife Brenda." "Let's just go to the embassy, all right?" "It's not like this GI Joe motherfucker gonna be able" "What the fuck?" "!" "Never underestimate the element of surprise." "First lesson: always be aware of your surroundings." "That was a lesson?" "Yes, it was." "And training day is just about to begin." "[mouthing words]" "So you stayed up all night painting yourself like your wall?" "Affirmative." "Maria and Kurt had grown quite fond of one another, but when you're the daughter of the world's most notorious drug lord, nothing remains a secret for long." "Maria!" "Luis." "You should have told me you were going to leave the grounds, especially in front of our new employee." "Luis, always a comandante." "[speaking Spanish]" "Kurt, this is one of my father's men, Luis Diego." "Yep, we've had the pleasure of meeting." "He showed me his knife collection." "We need to talk to Señor Kurt." "Talk to him." "Not here, in private." "You can talk to him here in front of me and everybody else." "No, it's OK." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "I'll be fine." "Carlo." "Hey!" "Uhh!" "Stay!" "I got this!" "Ow!" "Now, Mr. Pomeroy, are you enjoying Garcia's daughter?" "Whoa." "That sounds like a loaded question there, buddy." "[speaking Spanish]" "I believe that in America... the word "buddy" means we're amigos." "We are no way amigos, you gringo bastard." "¿Me entiendes?" "Yeah..." "I get it." "Not... not buddies." "Who are your friends... at the policía station asking all the questions?" "I don't know anyone else here." "Ohhh!" "OK..." "OK." "They're harmless." "All right?" "I can talk to them." "Just let me talk to them, and I'll keep them quiet." "I'll get them to stop talking to the police." "Policía is no longer the problem." "Oh, my God!" "What the hell is wrong with you people?" "Is killing all you know?" "What?" "OK." "Let me tell you this." "When I find your two amigos," "I am going to cut their tongues out if they are lucky." "If you touch them, I'll kill you!" "[chuckles]" "OK!" "Gentlemen, welcome to my training ground." "You know what we're gonna do here, a little agility training, a little bit of speed, and maybe some weapons capability, see if we can turn you into some soldiers." "How's that sound?" "It's cool." "It's cool, man, let's do it." "That's cool, man, let's do it" " Sir!" "[cocking gun]" "All right, let's go over here." "Yes, sir." "Come on, come on!" "Swing it!" "Aaaaah!" "Why would you own such a device?" "!" "Be a man about it!" "[Vincent sobbing]" "Climb over a wall." "[Vincent] Aaaah!" "Ugggh!" "Climbin'!" "There's the enemy, Vincent." "That's the bomber, get it!" "[firing]" "What?" "Right here we got Niger." "Niger runs right across the same latitude as Colombia, right there." "What you gonna do when they come after you?" "That isn't how to kill a bird." "What are you doin', man?" "!" "The line goes down here like that." "Hey!" "That's where you're comin' in." "Right, and then if he's coming in here, then he's gotta go in there." "Right, right here." "He's right in there." "[Vincent] Right." "[Jon] You search for him." "[Vincent] But if he's gonna be over here..." "Go!" "[Jon] Yeah!" "Whoo-hoo!" "Yeah!" "[indistinct shouting]" "[Vincent laughing]" "You bitches!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "[both chuckle]" "[chuckles]" "It is my honor to go into battle with you." "You are my brethren." "And one of our own is captive by the poison that is the cartel." "We need to rescue our friend." "We need to bring him back to the nest." "Let's do it." "Hoo-yah!" "[all] Haaaa!" "All right, gentlemen, let me get a picture for posterity." "I just have to say one thing." "There's only one thing you need to know to keep from getting killed in battle, OK?" "And that rule is, you must never, and I mean never- [chickens squawking] -[Vincent] Oh, my God!" "God damn!" "Oh, my God, I'm gonna throw up!" "Man, this shit is fucked up." "We ain't cut out for this shit, Vincent." "Don't even go there, man." "This is what Jon trained us for." "It's not like the movies like you're always talking about." "It's not like we're gonna show up, man, and there's gonna be a mansion with guys in suits and Uzis and shit." "We'll go in there and kick the door down L.A. style." "Man, why you bullshittin' yourself and me?" "That motherfucker was Special Forces, Marine Corps, crazy son of a bitch, and he got killed by a Mexican bitch in a motherfucking chicken truck." "Man, have you ever seen Breaking Bad?" "Two regular dudes, right?" "Come on." "Then they became bad asses and started capping' people." "That's exactly what we could do." "That was a TV show." "And it took 'em four seasons to become bad asses." "I've been a screw-up, bro, ever since we were kids, man." "I've never achieved anything I set out to do, and I know that, man, I just kept bullshittin' people." "But right now, if I don't go get Kurt back, this is all my fault, man, this is my chance." "This is your chance, man." "What have you got to go back to?" "Come on, man, you look good." "Look at you." "You're holding guns and shit." "All right, I hear you, motherfucker, you know." "We do got guns and shit." "Shit, I got a couple of grenades right here." "That's what I'm" " Do you even know how to use those things?" "No, but I can hit a motherfucker in the head long-distance." "[speaking Spanish]" "What's he saying?" "I think he's saying we can pick up the dead body now." "What do you mean, man?" "He's not going anywhere." "We'll get him when we come back." "[flies buzzing] -[Vincent] Think about it." "Let's get the fuck out of here." "With their fearless leader now roadkill," "Vincent and Chris continue on their quest to rescue Kurt." "I'm tired, man." "This must be it." "Why don't you make a fire, man, and I'll shoot some food." "Man, you truly are an ignorant motherfucker." "Why don't you just shoot a flare in the air so they can come over here and kill us?" "I don't understand." "Garcia's house is up the hill, fool." "I don't know anything about this woods shit, man." "I refused to be in the Boy Scouts growing up." "Fuck that." "Refused?" "[Chris laughs] -[Vincent] Yeah." "What you got against the Boy Scouts of America?" "You better think about it." "All those old men taking them young boys to the woods, not allowing any little girls to go..." "Teaching them to "tie knots" and be "Webelos."" "Hmm-mm." "Whole thing sounds like an underground gay farm to me, I'm out." "That's the smartest shit you said all week." "We've got a special sauce." "Piss-off." "Look at this, man." "Shed some light on the subject." "That'll work, that'll work." "Jackpot." "Food." "That's what I'm talkin' about." "You know what?" "This dude's got forks." "Thank you." "That's what I'm talkin' about." "He might be dead, but he was a, uh... he was a proper dead man, leaving his friends some stuff." "Look, man, don't play hard-ass." "What you talkin' about, man?" "You have not talked about your wife leaving you one time this entire trip." "Come on, now." "You need-- You need me to hug you?" "Do you want me to" " I will" "You see that?" "You can put your head right there." "Love is a four-letter word, like fuck and shit." "Just something you gotta do." "[boom!" "]" "I was in love once." "Shoot him, man, shoot him!" "He's a fuckin' zombie!" "I remember it like it was yesterday." "She was the most beautiful girl in the world." "It was in Vietnam." "And the minute we looked into each other's eyes... it was love." "We were going to love each other forever." "[gun cocks] [gunshot, body falls]" "Yeah, of course, I only knew her for 15 seconds." "[gunmen shouting in Vietnamese]" "She was my opponent in a Russian roulette game." "She lost." "Aaaaah!" "[trigger clicks]" "What was her name?" "I'm gonna call her Biglet." "Biglet!" "[sobbing]" "I tried to put her brains back in her head, but... that doesn't always work." "[Vincent] Hardly ever." "Man, your motherfucking ass was dead." "He's right, man, you were dead." "I can't die." "You was dead, motherfucker." "You got hit by a chicken truck." "You guys want to get to business now?" "OK, first I gotta pee." "When we approach the mansion, we got to approach from the east side." "There's an outcropping of rocks." "It's great cover." "And, as I was trying to tell you before I got run over by a chicken truck... [explosion]" "[coughing]" "[man] Señor Garcia, we all want the same things." "But your new associate here is asking for things that are not reasonable." "[Garcia] Not reasonable?" "Mr. Pomeroy just spent the last hour explaining the newest and the best option to cut our distribution losses by 75%." "And you say it's not reasonable." "[Garcia scoffs] [chuckles]" "Felix, your men are imbeciles." "Yes, they our cowboys with no class." "And your country is killing our distribution because you idiots are killing each other like a bunch of uneducated Compton gang members." "No..." "No, you have no control over your men." "Your ignorance is putting all of us and our money at risk." "Señor Garcia, you do not know how difficult it is to move product in Mexico now." "We have to open up the lines of distribution by using force." "You wanted a bigger cut so you stopped selling us your cocaine and started leasing us to move it for you." "If you don't like the way we do business, we could go back to buying your product wholesale." "That way you would not have to worry about the distribution." "Very, very interesting." "Felix Santos is telling me how to run my business." "You Mexicans." "You're just a pawn in this chess game." "The problem is that you all want to be kings." "Right here is your king." "Don't forget who your king is." "[Felix] Juanito." "You do not realize how important we are to your... "kingdom."" "Without us, you will be struggling to even get your product into the United States." "And you, Mr. Pomeroy... [chuckles] your idea of 25 747s into Canada and then rerouting them into the southern states, it's... it's too costly." "Maybe you're right." "Maybe we will lose less product overall, but we need more manpower as it is." "But, Juan, must you not forget that battling the three-headed monster that is the United States is hard enough." "If you choose to disrespect me, and our efforts, you will be adding one more head to that monster." "King, learn to respect your pawns, for they are the largest army on the chess board." "Luis, I think Mr. Santos and his body guards have overstayed their welcome." "[Luis] Consider it done." "[Garcia] Gracias." "[fingers snap]" "Mr. Pomeroy, tomorrow morning we are going to Mexico City to meet our new distribution." "[Kurt, whispering] Maria!" "Maria!" "Kurt." "Look, uh..." "We're going horseback riding, want to join us?" "Horses?" "No, no." "Absolutely not." "Look, there's been a problem." "I, uh..." "I just saw your father and Felix Santos, they got into an argument, and I'm pretty sure Diego is on his way to kill Santos and his men." "Did you not just hear what I said?" "Yeah, you were rambling on about Santos or something." "Do you not like me anymore?" "I like you so much." "I mean, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." "It's just that... these people, they're killing each other on a daily basis and..." "it's insane." "You are so cute when you're nervous." "Well, you... you remember my two friends I told you about?" "Uh, Vincent and Christopher?" "Your gringos?" "Those gringos, the ones that have been going to the police and telling them about me being missing 'cause I'm here." "Uh, and I'm pretty sure that Diego is gonna either kill them or the United States is gonna send someone here to find me." "Either way, it's gonna end bad for us." "My father will handle them all." "You are safe here." "I don't want them handled, I want them alive, they're my friends!" "You don't need them anymore." "You have a new family here." "Now, let's go horseback riding." "Uh..." "I gotta go change." "I'll be right back." "[sighs] I'm gonna have to kill him." "Aren't I?" "Oh, Blanca... probably." "[rapping on truck]" "[Chris, whispering] Which way we headed?" "This things says north." "So like northwest right there." "That should be it." "Hey, man, look." "Moss grows on the north side of the trees." "Learned that in Boy Scouts." "Well, why don't you go look for some fuckin' moss on the north side of the trees and I'm gonna use technology, and we'll meet there?" "I'll never find your ass." "Look, man, I somehow got service." "I can't get it in the middle of L.A., but I damn sure get it out here, I'm using this." "Unbeknownst to our heroes, the Colombian army was already mobilizing against the cartel." "[speaking Spanish]" "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" "What, you mental midget motherfucker?" "Thought there weren't gonna be nobody in suits and shit." "Who fuckin' thought they'd be walkin' around in suits, man?" "You think a guy's job, he goes home, changes clothes, and goes, "Fuckin' relieve the next guy who walks around in a suit with an Uzi"?" "You got a problem, man." "You got a motherfucking problem." "This look like a Scarface reunion up in here, man." "We ain't built for this shit, I'm tellin' ya." "I'm bouncin', I'm gettin' the fuck up outta here." "[whispering] No, man." "Shut up." "It's a Mexican on a bicycle, man, with a box." "Let me see that." "Let me see the motherfuckers, man." "Here, hold this." "Stay on point, man." "I trained with this gun." "Shut the fuck up." "Pull the trigger, that's all, it's a gun." "Bang-bang, motherfucker." "I'll be goddamn." "Sellin' a box of oranges at a motherfucking cartel crib." "Gimme the gun." "[Vincent] What the fuck is that?" "I don't know, man." "Play dead, play dead!" "Play dead?" "This your motherfucking idea of "play dead"?" "I didn't come here to do a no motherfucking Machiavelli." "Shut the fuck up!" "You mensch." "Mensch!" "Just laying you down into this motherfucking shit." "OK." "Motherfucker." "Like we been trained, let's kill somebody." "Somebody got to die with this bitch." "[Chris] Where'd he go?" "They pulled out a freakin' head." "They pulled a fuckin' head out." "Hold the gun, motherfucker." "We need an extra brain, motherfucker." "Let's go get the head." "Maybe he can think of some better shit." "A dead man think better planning." "Just go, crawl, crawl!" "Come on!" "Diego." "What?" "What the hell?" "Vincent, Christopher!" "You guys are gonna get yourselves killed." "Hey!" "Maria!" "Maria!" "Hi!" "I need to talk to her, just for a second." "Maria..." "Holy shit, you look amazing." "I love leather and Japanese anime." "[gunfire]" "That's, um..." "That's a Mexican cartel." "They killed Diego." "We have to get out of here." "I know, that's why I'm preparing to kill Santos myself." "Wait, sit down, sit down." "My friends are here, all right?" "You can come with us." "You, too." "Or not." "Your friends?" "Yeah, Vincent and Christopher?" "They're alive, all right?" "Come with us, I'll protect you." "You dirty gringos." "You think you can come here and take our business and our home?" "What?" "It's not like that at all." "[speaking Spanish]" "[screaming]" "Yaaaa!" "[machine-gun firing]" "Kurt, come on!" "Come on so we can get the hell outta here!" "Come on!" "[Kurt screeching]" "[Kurt] Oh, my God!" "[Chris] Keep your head down." "Vincent, this is the craziest thing you've ever done to us!" "Get me outta here!" "Who the fuck is the crazy bitch shooting at us?" "Oh, that's Juan Garcia's daughter." "We're in love; we had the most amazing connection." "You got a sick motherfucking mind." "You fall in love with the biggest bitch down here, just like back home." "I do not think this is the appropriate place or time to be talking about this." "Shut the fuck up, somebody's gotta shoot her!" "I love her." "You do realize this bitch is trying to kill us?" "She's just a little confused." "Well, then text the bitch and tell her to quit fucking shooting at us!" "I don't even have her number." "Chris, you said you could throw a grenade like a baseball, right?" "Motherfuckin' Satchel Paige." "Throw it!" "A grenade?" "Here, hold this." "Shut up, man, he won't pull the pin." "Seriously?" "Seriously." "You're not gonna hurt her, right?" "I'm gonna bean the bitch and knock her the fuck out." "Listen, I'm gonna create a diversion." "You know what a diversion is?" "Yeah, that's when one motherfucker do some crazy shit so this motherfucker can hit the bitch." "Yeah." "Aaaaaah!" "Fuck you, bitch!" "[clang!" "]" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Uh-huh!" "Oh, fuck!" "What was that?" "Aaaah!" "Get the fuck down!" "You just fuckin' blew that pussy up!" "[laughing]" "That's Juan Garcia!" "That's him?" "That's the man!" "The money!" "Go!" "Move!" "Wait for me!" "Put the gun down!" "Put the fucking gun down!" "Put it down!" "[Chris] Did you see that?" "We don't" "Goddamn!" "You a killer now, motherfucker." "Come on, let's go, this way!" "[gunfire]" "Goddamn, we're becoming bad asses." "This is fuckin' fun!" "Hey, watch your motherfucking gun!" "Come on!" "[shouting indistinctly]" "[Chris] Where are you going, motherfucker?" "Maria!" "You all right, man?" "No, but throw the other grenade!" "[Kurt] Get up!" "[Vincent] Get it, Chris!" "iBomba!" "Stay here, on the ground!" "[Garcia] iBomba, bomba!" "Freeze, motherfucker, freeze!" "Now, you can calm down, man." "Think we got him." "They did it." "These three nitwits-- uh, I mean heroes-- actually captured the world's most wanted criminal." "I'm not even sure there's anybody left." "No, we killed all these motherfuckers." "Maybe we should, uh, call the embassy." "Yeah." "Yeah, it's that time." "I think you motherfuckers need to call an ambulance, man." "[Chris] Hey, man, get in the back, man." "Get up!" "Get up, motherfucker, get up!" "[Garcia] All right." "[Chris] You heard the man." "Where is Maria?" "[Vincent] No!" "Get the fuck back!" "Where am I goin'?" "You're standing right here." "I got him." "Get in." "What are you doing?" "Don't be shoving that motherfucker on me!" "[Chris] Go on, get in." "Maria!" "What did you do to my Maria?" "[Chris] Your Maria's dead!" "I got that bitch's pussy in my pocket, I'm gonna fuck it later." "[Garcia, sobbing] Maria!" "[Vincent] Sit down!" "[helicopter hovering]" "So that is when Mr. Pomeroy decided to stay in Colombia and now runs one of the most controversial drug cartels in history." "Yes, the Brighter Day cartel still produces and distributes cocaine but they do it in a very different way." "Most of the money is used to build better schools and housing in the countries of Mexico and Colombia." "A logo for the cartel, a new marketing department, employee benefits... makes this not your everyday cartel." "The Brighter Day cartel is estimated to have surpassed all other cartels in total revenue, although specific numbers will never be released to the public." "In parting, we asked Kurt Pomeroy why he does what he does." "I would ultimately say I get high helping others, because others got high." "[Chris chuckles]" "So there you have it..." "[Vincent] Looks good with a mustache, don't he?" "[Chris] Yeah, he does, man." "I like that." "[narrator] So, there you have it." "One of the greatest stories ever told." "Well, not really." "But I'm sure you'll find some moral to this story that you can live your life by, or some such nonsense." "And if not, honestly, who really gives a shit?" "[female reporter] Fazi is the newest leader of the Taliban in Afghanistan and now number one on the United States' most-wanted list." "A reward for tens of millions of dollars is being offered for his capture." "US officials say Fazi should be considered extremely dangerous." "What's wrong?" "And now in other news..." "Yo, you hear this?" "Yeah, I heard it." "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "I think you have lost your mind." "You got shot!" "Who cares?" "We're still here." "Vincent!" "It ain't happening, man." "Why can't you just enjoy the money?" "Man, are you not surrounded by some beautiful girls because of it?" "That's exactly why I don't want to do what I think you're thinking about us doing." "I'm gonna stay right here with the beautiful ladies." "I need deep tissue before the retarded child comes up with another idea that I ain't down with, by the way." "I'm just asking you to think about it." "It is a whole lot of money." "♪ California" "♪ Let's have a party" "♪ Shake it down" "♪ California" "♪ Knows how to party" "♪ In the city..." "Ohh!" "[groaning]" "Chris!" "Vincent!" "You guys..." "Gosh, almighty, I only stepped on a land mine." "It didn't kill me, pussies." "Where did you go?" "Abandoned me?" "God almighty." "Ooh!" "This is like..." "I once had the Siberian Itch." "I had the Siberian Itch." "[groaning]" "I had the Siberian Itch." "In Saigon." "Hurts just like that." "♪ Living life day by day" "♪ Fell in love in less than a minute ♪" "♪ Just one look..." "Oh, I wish I had stuffed in a couple other clothes." "♪ Hey-ey" "♪ I met you there" "♪ On a dark and rainy night" "♪ The air so thick" "♪ You could cut it with a knife ♪" "♪ We were bound for glory" "♪ Took a gamble with our lives" "♪ Through bamboo fields" "♪ I ran with you" "♪ We could've had it all" "♪ Just to have it all fall" "♪ You'd be lying in my arms" "♪ Still lying on the floor" "♪ My heart breaks..." "♪ Oh, yeah" "♪ By her own hand she let the bullet go ♪" "♪ She never heard the words I said ♪" "♪ Couldn't use my best lines" "♪ Didn't have enough time" "♪ She just blew up in my face" "♪ The love we had left us wanting so much more ♪" "♪ Now my blank pages, the story cut so short ♪" "♪ Yeah" "♪ We could've had it all" "♪ Just to have it all fall" "♪ You'd be lying in my arms" "♪ Still lying on the floor" "♪ We could've had it all" "♪ Just to have it all fall" "♪ You'd be lying in my arms" "♪ Still lying on the floor" "♪ We could've had it all" "♪ Just to have it all fall" "♪ You'd be lying in my arms" "♪ Still lying on the floor" "♪ Aaaah..." "♪ Whoo" "♪ Still lying on the floor"