"Hush!" "I'm trying to give you the names of the entrants to the obstacle Derby." "To the first woman to enter the Hazzard Derby." "And it's about time." "Surprise." "Lucifer against general Lee." "Winner take all." "You're on." "Y'all hang in there, hear?" "Christmas is the biggest event of the year in most places." "But in Hazzard County, it's the Annual Hazzard Obstacle Derby." "It's an illegal stock car race over an obstacle course." "It's the dirtiest race in America." "There ain't but one rule.:" "Finish first anyway you can." "Can I have your attention, please?" "I'm gonna announce the drivers of the Hazzard County obstacle Derby... just as soon as they deliver that trophy." "Cooter, give me that." "Where you been?" "I just wanted to make a big entrance." "Besides, I had to get that off of Boss Hogg's mantelpiece." "will you get that messy piece of junk out of here... before it starts dripping oil all over the place?" "Don't worry about it, Rosco." "It's housebroke." "Cooter, that ain't no way to treat your bike." "It wasn't mine." "No." "It was mine." "You boys fighting over who pays?" "Nope." "We're fighting over... who's gonna drive in the race." "Bo, are you ready to have your palm read?" "That was dirty." "Yeah, but it worked." "AII right, everybody, just settle down." "I wanna make an announcement." "will you please settle down a little bit?" "Daisy, get up there." "AII right." "will you hush?" "Hush!" "Hush, now." "I'm trying to give you the names of the entrants to the obstacle Derby." "Now, these are the four drivers... that's made the most points on a dirt track here in the state this year." "The winner gets $500 of cold cash." "AII right!" "If he lives." "He also gets the possession, for one solid year... of this beautiful, genuine, electroplated silver trophy." "It's gonna be given by our lovely trophy girl:" "Miss Daisy Duke." "How about getting possession of the trophy girl for a year?" "No, you...." "Daisy, will you quit stomping on him while I'm trying to...." "Now I'm gonna read you the names... of the drivers in reverse starting position." "Enos Strate." "Cooter Davenport." "One of the Duke boys." "And Creavy." "Who's Creavy?" "I ain't never heard of him." "There wasn't no Creavy on the state circuit this year." "I'm Creavy." "Amy Creavy." "placid County Powder-puff Division." "Hey, he's a she." "Powder-puffs?" "Powder-puffs don't count." "This here's a race for men." "That's why I'm here, sugar." "I just haven't quite figured out which one I aim to catch yet." "welcome to Hazzard County." "It's weII-named." "My name is Luke Duke." "You're kidding, or your mother had a cute sense of humor." "I suppose she's even got herself a lady mechanic, too." "I can strip your lug nuts, Junior." "This here's my mechanic, Francis Lee OImstead." "Frankie, for short." "wonderful." "What's the matter?" "You don't like lady mechanics?" "No, I think it ranks right up there with men having babies." "You boys are in trouble." "I saw her picture in Big Race magazine." "This lady is a pro." "welcome, ladies." "Come on and have a drink on the house." "She can race after me anytime." "The Hazzard Derby is an obstacle course." "It ain't no race for a woman." "She won't last the first lap." "To the first woman to enter the Hazzard Derby." "And it's about time." "And may the best man win." "Right." "Which isn't likely." "I ain't gonna take no more of this." "Give up on her, Turk." "You may find the Hazzard Derby a little rough." "You haven't raced against women, have you, blue eyes?" "What are you doing here, Turk?" "I wouldn't miss one of your races." "Not after teaching you everything I know." "Come on, Turk." "Not now, please." "Why not?" "This pigsty is as good a place as any to start over." "Come on, Iet's talk." "Let go of me." "Come on." "fella, the lady said let go." "Get on, boy!" "That's the way." "Come on!" "Get up." "Try some of that tricky stuff they taught you in the Marines." "That's what he just used on me." "Damn!" "Come on, Luke." "You're ahead on points." "Come on!" "Go stop them." "Quit!" "I'm the Iaw, now." "Look up here." "Now quit!" "See here, Luke Duke." "I'm telling you, one day... you keep messing around, and you'II see that race from behind bars." "You're good." "You did good." "Amy, I'II see you later, darling." "Hey, you were great." "I'II get you a towel." "I'm sorry." "Friend of yours?" "My ex-mechanic, Turk FoIey." "I fired him." "He put nitrous oxide in my engine." "That sure soups up the horsepower." "It sure gets you disqualified." "also, he had romantic notions, which I did not." "The Racing Association has barred him as a driver for life." "It should've been longer." "He's already crippled four drivers." "well, he's sure got taste in women." "Nobody said he was all bad." "Dance?" "You want to talk about crankshafts?" "Don't worry about me winning that race for you, Mr. Hogg." "I'II bring home your bacon." "Why don't you go watch Daisy and lust in your heart?" "AII right, Sheriff." "But I was trying to taper off." "If that dipstick deputy of yours don't win that race for me..." "I'm gonna skin him alive and have me the ugliest throw rug in Hazzard County." "Boss, you've won that trophy for three years in a row." "Now what are you worried about?" "Because I thought that trophy cup was mine to keep... after three wins, instead of four." "I've got to get it back, permanent." "You can afford a dozen of those cups." "Not like that one." "My mama's in that cup." "Boss, your mama is dead." "You know my wife, lulu, hated Mama." "She took the urn of Mama's ashes and put them out in the garage." "And what did I do?" "What?" "I took Mama's ashes out of that urn... put them in the trophy cup, and sealed it tight." "That way I couId take Mama into the house and back on the mantelpiece... with lulu none the wiser." "You did it!" "It's a comfort to a man to have his mama around." "Look, Boss..." "Enos is a heck of a good driver." "You got a real good chance to win." "Chance?" "This ain't no turkey raffle." "I need a sure thing." "How you gonna do that?" "Not me." "Not you?" "No." "Who?" "You." "Me?" "Yes, you." "You're gonna make sure I get that trophy cup back permanent." "But me?" "Why me, Boss?" "Because if I hadn't married your fat sister, lulu..." "Mama wouldn't be in that cup." "My mama, sitting on a bar." "And her a good Baptist." "AII I can say is, if a driver like Turk FoIey... could wind up being a grease monkey to a girl driver... then the whole sport of racing is going to hell in a bucket." "Hey, I can think of worse jobs than looking after that sweet thing." "You gonna turn on the light, or do your imitation of a mole?" "You're just gonna have to rough it, scout." "I don't know if you've realized it yet, but if Amy's been working with Turk... she just may be a pretty hot driver and run your tail right off the track." "I'm scared to death." "You know, I think I'm gonna track down that Amy..." "broaden that lady's horizons." "That poor girl." "Surprise." "hello again." "Hi." "Cute knees." "What's GoIdiIocks doing in my bed?" "sleeping, until you try to ravish me, Papa Bear." "What are you guys doing in here?" "well, it's our bedroom." "Didn't you get the note I Ieft you in the bathroom?" "I didn't go in there to read." "You read?" "They tried staying at the Hazzard motel, but it was full." "AII six rooms?" "AII right, boys." "Get out and get your sleeping bags." "This ain't no broady house." "That's Uncle Jesse." "Underneath them long johns... you'll find every single one of them Ten Commandments." "Good night, ladies." "Thank you." "Most folks eat when they're hungry." "Boss Hogg eats when he's nervous." "And if he didn't burn it off worrying, old Boss would weigh a ton." "Good news." "I've got good news." "Listen, Boss, I solved the problem." "You don't have to worry about your mama no more." "Not worry?" "Rosco, I had a nightmare last night." "I saw my mama standing there like she was alive." "She had that big old switch in her hand... and she told me she was gonna whip the hide off me... if anybody else got those ashes." "You don't have to worry about that, Boss, because I got a crasher." "Crasher?" "What's a crasher?" "That's one of those big racing terms, you know." "It means a ringer, a phony." "Some Ieadfoot you can put in there and eliminate all the competition... and make sure that Enos wins." "Pea-brain, how can we put a crasher in... when the drivers have already been picked?" "With pressure." "Any more pressure from you, and I'II have a nervous breakdown." "You're a walking epidemic." "No, I mean pressure on the drivers." "I tell you, Boss, this time it's gonna work." "It had better." "It better." "Bet he was backward as a kid, too." "How's she sound?" "I tuned her by ear." "Try one of these next time." "Bo, why don't you head into town and get that case of oil?" "Good, I gotta pick up some stuff." "You can drive me." "Just don't try anything funny." "But then anything with you would be funny." "Think it will last?" "A match made in heaven." "I'm curious." "You and Turk." "You still saw him, even after" "After I fired him?" "I think everyone deserves a second chance." "He wanted it." "But it's over." "What got you interested in cars?" "Being under the hood was a great way to stay out of the back seat." "Besides, it beat the socks off twirIing a baton." "Yeah, but racing?" "Sure, why not?" "What's your big ambition?" "To put together the car that wins the charlotte 500." "Yours?" "To be driving the car that wins the charlotte 500." "Don't you really mean competing with men?" "No." "Competing with myself." "I can think of a Iot more feminine ways to do it." "Listen, honey, racing does not threaten my femininity at all." "Now, don't you get threatened." "Lipstick's just like track dirt." "It washes right off." "I'II see you." "I'II be back." "Now, don't go away." "Turk, what are you doing in Amy's car?" "You see, in Hazzard, the competing starts way before the race does." "You're a mess." "Where's Cooter?" "How do I know?" "There were two dudes in here messing around with Amy Creavy's car... and they weren't from the Ethics Committee." "Is that so?" "Yeah, that's so." "Ain't you gonna do anything?" "Yeah, I'm gonna do something about it." "I'm going to let you off with a warning this time, for harassing the tourists." "Rosco, they weren't no tourists." "local boys?" "No, they weren't local boys" "Then they were tourists, and I don't want you harassing them." "Tourists spend money." "You are a mess." "What are you doing in my car?" "What happened to you?" "Spring a leak?" "I nearly got myself killed, because I found Turk messing around under the hood." "Yeah?" "You're the one under the hood." "Afraid we're too much competition?" "No way." "I don't usually make bets with girls, but I don't think you count." "So, in your case, I'II make an exception." "Bet you $50 you don't even finish that race." "Son, if you're gonna bet with me, make it count." "Yeah, Iike what?" "The cars." "Lucifer against general Lee." "Winner take all." "The cars?" "Too hot for you, chicken?" "No way." "You're on." "Cooter, my boy..." "I'd Iike for you to do me a big favor in the obstacle Derby on Sunday." "How would you Iike to be a crasher?" "A crasher?" "Boss Hogg, you got the wrong dude." "Besides, there's a woman in that race." "By any chance, do these salutations look familiar to you?" "I got a set just like these on my truck." "These are them." "You have been cited for everything, from reckless driving... to stampeding HersheI Ferguson's turkeys over that cliff." "Rosco, turkeys got wings." "I always thought they could fly." "My, you got a big problem there, Cooter." "How are you gonna pay for all them tickets?" "I'II tell you how he can pay for them." "We'II just sell his truck at the police auction." "A man's truck is his castle." "Y'aII wouldn't do that, would you?" "Looks like Boss and Rosco got old Cooter by the tickets." "What do we do now?" "Wait." "For what?" "You ain't gonna try to goof her car again, are you?" "I ain't got to." "It's already done." "Turk, that Duke boy saw you messing around." "He's gonna spot the throttle jimmy you did." "That was just a decoy, just to hide what else I'd done." "What did you do?" "Turk, wait a minute." "Jesse, I need to talk to you." "If you can't look me in the eye, it must be pretty bad." "What is it?" "I bet something that ain't totally mine." "Like what?" "Like general Lee." "Now what am I gonna tell Luke?" "Why bother?" "He can't win that race anyway, if he's in jail." "In jail?" "What for?" "For killing you when he finds out what you've done." "Pride makes a good servant, but a poor master." "You're risking something with Luke... that's a Iot more valuable than an automobile." "What am I gonna do?" "Why don't you swallow some of that pride... and get out of the bet?" "Come on, gorgeous." "Ain't there any way I can talk you out of driving that Hazzard Derby?" "Afraid I'm gonna beat you?" "No, I'm worried about you." "Look, Amy, I know you're a champion." "You could probably beat me on a regular track." "But I race against these guys every Saturday." "They're rough, and they're gonna resent you." "Luke, come on." "I've driven against drivers who play dirty before." "But this Hazzard race is the olympics of dirty racing." "You'd be like a Dixie cup in a cattle stampede." "I'II tell you what." "If you're worried, how about a little demonstration ride?" "I'II show you just what the opposite sex can do." "I know what the opposite sex can do." "I just don't think a racecar is the proper place to do it." "Hang on, pIowboy." "Can you cook, too?" "Not while I'm driving, sugar." "I've only got me two hands." "There's some dangerous road up ahead." "It's got some tricky curves to it." "Sort of like the ones that start about here." "Cut that out, now." "I'm only human." "You better back off the pedal, babe." "We're coming up to Widowmaker Bend." "Luke, I ain't got no brakes." "Damn!" "Y'all stick around." "This is a real cliffhanger." "Them brakes were fine when we left Jesse's." "I don't believe it." "Both brake lines are full of pinholes." "Every time you stepped on the brakes, you lost fluid." "Turk?" "Got to be." "Hey, you all right?" "A little carsick." "I can't believe I almost got us killed just showing off to impress you." "You're the only gal I know with miIIion-doIIar legs and a Ieadfoot." "Luke, Turk is crazy enough to try something again." "Want to quit?" "What's "quit" mean?" "This is crazy." "I want you to quit, but I'm proud that you won't." "well, do you hike as well as you drive?" "Wait a minute." "What's your hurry?" "And after all the trouble I went to to get you stranded here alone." "You are gonna be a crasher for Boss?" "I ain't got no choice." "Rosco is gonna sell my truck to pay off my tickets." "Or, if not, he's gonna put me under the jail." "You ain't mad?" "Boss has sure outfoxed himself this time." "Cooter, you're gonna put on a phony show for him." "I am?" "Yeah." "You see, now that we know about it... you and Luke can just bump each other once in a while... and the Boss will think you're running a dishonest race and doing your job." "I wish we could handle Turk that easily." "Don't worry about it." "We will when we find him." "Find Turk?" "You don't find Turk." "Turk finds you." "Hey, good to see you." "Hey, sweet cakes, seeing how you're practically alone... how'd you Iike to rub tummies with me to the music?" "Buzz off, Ledbottom." "She's mine." "That means you'II be finished with her by tomorrow?" "Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?" "Now what?" "You could listen to me, for starters." "Look, I've been thinking." "I admire a man who ain't afraid to try new things." "Frankie, I'm trying to tell you that I don't think it'd be fair... for us to take advantage of you when you're down on your luck." "So the bet's off, okay?" "The bet's on." "The brakes were fixed before supper." "Thanks for offering." "Hey, you got a quarter?" "Hey, Bo, what's cooking, buddy?" "Goose." "And it's mine." "What's on your mind?" "It shows?" "I think I've made up my mind, I mean, at Ieast partly." "I don't quite know how to say this." "Go ahead." "You're doing terribly." "Yeah, you're right." "Look, I want us to be together." "Honey, we are together." "Come on, you know what I mean." "I mean, Iike more serious." "exclusive?" "Sort of." "Of course, there'd be a certain adjustment problem." "What adjustment?" "Nothing much." "Just that I need a certain amount of freedom." "You know how men are." "And you think women aren't like that?" "I don't think they should be." "I'II bet in Hazzard you put chastity belts on women, bind their feet... and make them shuffle ten paces behind." "No, we don't bind their feet no more." "It'd slow them down picking cotton." "That's cute." "AII right, Iet me get this straight." "You don't want me to see anyone while you chase after anybody you Iike?" "But like ain't love." "What's important is that you're my woman." "Liking these other girls don't mean a thing." "Where you going?" "I'II tell you what." "When you want a whole lot of woman, instead of a whole lot of girls..." "I'II be with that hunk over there, rubbing tummies." "But, of course, it don't mean a thing." "Luke, I just saw Amy leaving with Ernie Ledbetter." "I guess that's her business, ain't it?" "What's that thing for?" "To put out smoldering butts." "Care to sit on it?" "Now, listen, I'd love to continue this cultural exchange... but I have more important things to do." "Like what?" "Give me that!" "Give me a kiss and I'II give it back." "I'II give you a mouthful of loose teeth." "Give me that." "Good grief!" "Rosco, do something." "They're tossing around my mama." "Now, you quit that!" "You boys quit that!" "Quit it, now." "Did your mama smoke?" "For a fellow that's gotta drive tomorrow, you're up kind of late, ain't you?" "Can't sleep." "You want to talk about it?" "It's Amy." "What about her?" "She's different." "Luke, I explained that difference to you years ago." "She's so sure of herself." "She drives like a man." "She talks to me like a friend." "Jesse, I ain't never felt so much for anyone before." "Did you tell her that?" "Yeah, I told her that tonight at the Boars Nest." "What happened?" "She left with Ernie Ledbetter." "Sit down." "Luke, I've been watching you." "When it comes to women... you got about as much sensitivity as a buzz saw." "I am sensitive." "I picked her, didn't I?" "Do you know what you want?" "I want her to stay around." "You thinking about marrying her?" "Not exactly." "Why rush into something like that?" "Women don't like waiting around." "hell, tonight she didn't wait for nothing." "After she left with that turnip-brain..." "I went out looking for her." "Jesse, I ain't never went looking for a woman before." "They always come looking for me." "Did you ever have a woman get at you Iike that?" "Yeah, once." "I married her." "Good night." "I want to talk to you." "I don't want to talk to you." "Where have you been all night?" "Why?" "Because you mean something to me." "I've been sitting here thinking about you all night." "Didn't you say you thought everybody deserves a second chance?" "AII right, Luke." "I'II listen to you." "This ain't easy for me." "I even talked to uncle Jesse about you." "And?" "And it's never been like this with anyone before." "AII right." "It's hard to change the habits of a lifetime." "well, if chasing other women upsets you..." "I'm willing to make a sacrifice." "There's something about you, pIowboy." "Damn it!" "I'II fall." "What?" "I'II fall." "And I hate falling." "What?" "Look, I want you." "I don't want anybody else to have you." "But I'm afraid I ain't gonna be able to keep up my end of the deal." "You thick-skinned, cIodhopping old boil weevil!" "And to think I almost fell for that...." "Amy, wait!" "I can't believe it." "He did it to me again." "Did you tell him that you really spent the night in the car?" "No, I didn't, and he ain't gonna find out." "How could I think I was gonna change him?" "He don't know anything about women." "It must run in the family." "Why do you say that?" "Because, after this race, we're gonna be a two-car team." "Bo put up general Lee against Lucifer." "You're kidding." "would I lie to a sister?" "One thing's for sure." "In a race filled with jackals and coyotes... a pretty chick is gonna need more than just brains to survive." "Especially when there's a vulture out there someplace... just waiting to pick the bones clean." "Unless a body wanted to wind up in the hospital... with half a ton of auto parts dug out of his hide... he'd do well to stay off the streets during the Hazzard Derby." "And since the Boars Nest was the cultural center of the county... it seemed fitting to start and end the race there." "That way folks could begin the victory celebration... just as soon as the starting celebration kind of died down." "You think I should bleed these brakes again?" "If you don't relax, the only thing that's gonna do any bleeding is your nose." "What's the matter with you, anyway?" "You're as nervous as a Iong-taiIed cat in a room full of rocking chairs." "Don't worry about me." "You just concentrate on winning, all right?" "How're you gonna like general Lee painted pink?" "What's she mean by that?" "Who knows what a lady mechanic means anyway, right?" "I've been dying to ask." "Did you have any problems getting Ernie to bring you home last night?" "No problem." "You kidding me?" "I just told him I wasn't over this case of the mumps I had." "Honey, he beat every track record in the South just getting me home." "You ready?" "We're depending on you to make sure that Enos wins and that girl loses." "Or you are out of a job." "And you'II be in jail." "Besides, my mama is counting on you." "Boss, your mama is dead." "That don't matter." "She's still counting on you." "Okay, everybody, Derby time!" "Good luck to you all!" "The Hazzard Derby may be the only race in the world... where you fight for the best position to get clobbered." "Now, the reason this racecourse was so treacherous... is because the obstacles kept changing." "That way nobody never knew what was waiting on them." "No spectators were allowed." "That way they couldn't signal the drivers on what might be coming up." "So, naturally, some folk did a little cheating." "I can hear them coming." "Luke's in front." "Enos is last." "Luke's in front and Enos is last." "I ain't deaf." "Just dumb." "Dumb to rely on you." "It's Luke...." "No, Amy's in front, Enos... and Cooter's last." "He said" "Shut up!" "I heard him." "Cooter wiped Enos out!" "What's that idiot doing?" "Don't ask me." "He's your idiot!" "The devil!" "That jackass Cooter knocked our car out of the race!" "You idiot!" "How are we gonna win the race with you wrecking...." "What are you doing here?" "Rosco, I want to report a stolen car." "You can't miss it." "It's green and yellow." "It's got a big 99 painted on the side." "I know what the car looks like." "What are you doing here?" "Cooter, what are you doing here?" "I was taking one last look at my engine." "Somebody stuck a tank of nitrous oxide in there and...." "The lights went out in Georgia." "Who would do that?" "Turk." "And Amy thinks he's Cooter." "It was the final run to the Boars Nest... and old Turk was coming up behind with blood in his eye." "Luke and Amy didn't suspect a thing." "You all right, Turk?" "No, I died!" "Arrest that man, whoever he is!" "Okay, everybody, beer's on the house!" "holy charity." "She's got you, Mama." "Okay, hotshot..." "let's have the keys." "Give her the keys to general Lee." "What for?" "I put him up in the race against Lucifer." "He belongs to them." "You did what?" "I didn't know you were gonna let her win." "Let me win?" "What're you talking about?" "I'm not gonna put you in jail." "I'm gonna put you under it!" "Listen, I'm not kidding." "Now, come on." "I didn't do nothing." "Just walk." "It was Turk, wasn't it?" "Luke, nobody lets me win." "You weren't even gonna say anything, were you?" "You might have won anyway." "Bye." "Where are you going?" "I got to load up Lucifer." "We got a race in Hickory tomorrow." "Why don't you keep this for me?" "Maybe next time I'II just come back and win it fair and square." "Maybe next time I won't let you." "We got it." "Come on." "I hope you keep that cup... in a warm, dry place." "That's the legend of how a little old girl won the Hazzard Derby." "And how Mama Hogg went to stay with the Dukes for a spell... unbeknownst to them, of course." "english"