"Pendant le filmage de ce spectacle, c'est ici que se trouvait I'entracte." "Maintenant que c'est un DVD, il n'y a plus besoin d'entracte puisque I'invention du bouton pause les a rendu obsolètes." "Mais si vous voulez une tasse de thé, autant la faire maintenant." "Sinon, attendez une petite seconde, parce que Tim va revenir." "Ah, le voilà." "Thank you." "Thank you." "This is a song I wrote, uh... on the morning after I got married," "to my wife." "We've got years ahead of us" "We've got people who care for us" "Yeah, we've got Sunday morning coffees in the sun" "We've got Monday night television" "Yeah, we've got years of happiness" "We've got decades of laughter ahead" "Yeah, we've got Christmases with family by the sea" "We've got wine and vintage cheddar" "Yeah, I have everything a man could ever want" "And all I'll ever need is you" "Cos nothing can stop us now" "Only the good times left" "Nothing can stop our love" "Except terminal illness" "Or sudden accidental death" "Thank you very much." "Never gets a huge laugh, that one." "Well I wake up in the morning at 11:47 and I can't believe I have to face the horror of another fucking day" "And the magnificent magnitude of my morning erection merely mocks me like the sun in its optimistic greeting of the day" "Managing to manifest a modicum of motivation" "I meander to the kitchen make a mission out of mixing Nescafe" "But the milk is going off and coffee by itself is bitter and there's ants all through the sugar and the supermarket's miles a-fucking-way" "My life is pretty sad" "But I know that I should be glad." "I could be a starving Ethiope" "Or a policeman in Bagdad policeman in Bagdad" "Bagdad" "At 11:53 I instigate the day's ablutions in the hope my constitution can be altered by some action on the bowel" "But the total non-existence of colonic animation seems to me the perfect metaphor for the utter constipation of my soul" "By 11:59 I have decided that my life would be immediately improved by a carefully written list of short-term goals" "But by 12.05 my list consists of 1-dot put some pants on, 2-dot go to the shop, buy some prunes and Panadol" "My life is pretty shit" "But I know I shouldn't whinge about it" "I could be a Palestinian Driving buses on the Gaza strip" "Yeah how bad can it be?" "Some people have it worse than me" "I could be a Ipswitch prostitute Or Gary Glitter's family" "I have no right to cry Some people have it worse than I" "I could be a thalidomide kid With something in my eye something in my eye my eye" "At 12:30 I realise I'm feeling so dejected that I've totally neglected the beginning of the Jerry Springer show" "So I settle on the sofa try to focus an iota of my motor-neurones on the brilliant insights for which Jerry is known And although on any other day a show entitled "Midgets Midget Midgets"" "would excite me like a virgin at her year eleven ball" "Today those little jelly-wresting fellas fail to free me of my misery instead they simply serve to make me feel three foot tall" "But how bad can it be?" "Some people have it worse than me" "I could be a junior life saver on a Banderachi beach" "Or a woman in Afghanistan" "Or a Jew in the Klu Klux Klan" "Or the architect of the World Trade Centre" "Or a bobcat driver in Bam Iran" "I could have my identity mistaken As a bomber in an underground station" "Or I could be a peace-loving speech-writer" "In George W's administration" "Yeah you know that I don't have the right" "To be unhappy with my life" "I could be Hitler's mother Or Shane Warne's wife" "And I know that I shouldn't be bitchin I could be in a worse position" "I could be a 3-nippled naturopath In the days of the Spanish in, the Spanish inquisition" "You know I have no right, no right to cry Some people have it much, much worse than I" "I could have a serious nut allergy" "And be shipwrecked on an island with a crate of Snickers bars" "A jar of Nutella and a fresh baked pecan pie" "Some people have it worse than I" "So, yes, I'm, um ..." "I'm married." "I got married at 26." "I got married quite young." "I've been with the same woman for ... ages." "In fact" " This is another little personal thing, but um," "I say" " I'm telling you cos it's quite uncommon these days," "In my generation, anyway." "I actually lost my virginity to the woman I ended up marrying." "It's not quite as sad as it sounds." "But it's pretty fucking close to that." "We're both in our thirties now, and one of the things that happens, if anyone's in a long-term relationship, and you haven't got kids yet, when you hit 30," "The pressure to have kids just " "And it's ridiculous, because 30's just a number, you know?" "How do you know that, suddenly, you hit 30, and you're suddenly endowed with all the attributes a parent needs, you know, like selflessness, and ..." "And, like, when I hit 30, I remember" "An example : my thirtiest birthday diner, I remember, the sort of stuff we were talking about, the main conversation on my birthday diner was about what our last words would be." "We all thought it was really important to have really kick-ass final words." "Just in case, you know, we died sooner than we thought." "We wanted to make sure we had something really good locked in." "And ..." "And all I could come up with was" "'Who's the world gonna revolve around now?" "'" "That's kinda where I was at." "And it's ridiculous, cos this pressure to have kids, you think" " You'd expect it from your parents, and from the- the ticking of your biological clock, or whatever, but" "But the main pressure is good old-fashioned peer pressure, you know?" "Like, what you got smoking for, in your teens." "Because all your mates are having kids, and you feel like 'Oh, not part of the cool club anymore." "I should have a human too.'" "And it's ridic- Cos," "Here you are at 30, suffering peer pressure." "And it's worse than ever, mostly, I think, because of digital technologies." "Because all my friends had cool little digital cameras, cos they're so cheap and accessible these days, and they're very proud, so it takes many photos, and they're 'Oh, look!" "There's absolutly not limit to the number of photos I can take!" "And I have broad-band internet, you know, digital technology." "And so, every morning," "I wake up and, there, sure enough, attached to an e-mail, is another 10x8-high resolution-colour photograph of another fucking miracle, you know ..." "And, eventually, it wears you down." "It breaks you, these photos." "You know?" "And you find yourself having this ... inevitable conversation that you thought you'd never have." "You know the one." "'What are we wainting for?" "' You know?" "'It's never gonna be the right time.'" "'It's always gonna be tough, it's always gonna be financially difficult, but," "Why don't we just do it?" "Why don't we just buy a digital camera?" "'" "So, we did." "We did, we bought one!" "And, soon after, almost, it seems, as a result, we had a child." "It's something about biology I don't understand, but, uh ..." "She's great, I've got a baby." "She's 5 months now, she's really tiny." "It seems she's, um ... largely our responsibility." "One of the things that having a kid, um, stops you doing is having a lot of sex." "Initially because the toilet bits aren't working very well." "It's very" " It's quite traumatic on the- on the- on the, uh, toilet bits." "But, um" "I should say 'toilet bits' a few more times." "That is in general usage, isn't it ?" "You do all call your genitals your 'toilet bits', don't you ?" "Don't tell me I've made a horrible faux-pas!" "Turns out that only I call them my toilet bits." "Anyway!" "The other reason" "The other reason you don't have sex is just cos your focuses change." "But I wanna tell you a story because it actually happened, unlike most of the crap that I talk about on stage." "I was away doing a few shows, and my wife and my child were in Melbourne." "And when you're whiles away from a child, suddenly there's sort of" "My sexual-self re-arose and I thought, "Oh, I should" " I should, you know, maybe start a little bit of flirting with my wife, in the hopes that when I get back to Melbourne, we'll just hop straight back on." You know." "So I thought" " Being a poet, I chose a text message as my ... as my missive of choice, and I sent her a message saying : "I love you in a sexy way."" "That'll work!" "And, um, she sent me one back almost immediatly that said:" ""The baby just vomited in my mouth."" "So, uh, that was fine, you know," "I got the message, went home and cried while I masturbated." "Speaking of sex, as I want to do a lot at the moment, one of the things that actually- If you're in a really long-term relationship, like, um, increasingly, for me, anyway, as I get on in this relationship," "I find myself getting more and more sexually uh, paranoid." "Not with my wife, we're totally fine, appart from the drought." "But, um, what I worry about, is if I ever had to perform sexually with another woman." "Like, with someone else." "If I had to be sexual with someone else, like, if something happened to my marriage, like, if my wife died" "in an accident, or something." "Sorry, that's" "I don't find that funny, that's just my bad sense of humor." "I do understand that that's "That should be her last words!"" "Yeah!" "She's not borrowing my fucking last words, I tell you that." "If she dies in an accident, she'll think of her own." "And, anyway, that wouldn't make sense, because it revolves around me." "I shouldn't say that sort of stuff about my wife." "Even if she didn't die, even if she, like, got a degenarative disease, and" "I decided that, rather than look after her myself, I should put her in a home, so that I could move on with my life" "These things happen, you have to plan for them, that's all I'm saying." "And when I'm planning for this stuff, and I consider having sex with another woman, um, what I- What" "I get paranoid about is:" "how do I know if what I'm doing sexually, at the moment, um, is normal?" "Cos, as far as I understand, my wife and I have a perfectly [?" "] sort of sexual relationship." "But you never know, cos we've been together for a really long time, we might have just sort of just drifted," "drifted from the norm." "Just bits by bits, so we didn't notice." "I've got this scenario, I play out in my head, where" "I'm out with a new girl, and, uh, and we're having a great time, and" "I don't know, we're at a bar or something, we've had a few drinks, and maybe it's our third date, it really doesn't matter." "But, um," "The bar closes, and" "I pluck up the courage to ask her back to my place, and she says yes, so we go back to my place, and I pour some more drinks, and put on some music, and some lamps." "And then, obviously, we actually end up on the couch, and we kiss, and, uh, a little bit on with the jumper action, uh, it's heavy petting, and then, passion overwhelmes us, so we stumble to the bedroom," "tearing off each other's clothes, and" "I get out the Mickey Mouse ears, and I length the bungee rope, and obviously, the Hungr Hungry Hippos." "And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, she's like" "What are you doing?" "Huh?" "I" " I" "I thought we were just going to make love!" "Yeah?" "Why don't you just put all that stuff away, just for a minute, just put it down, and come over here and, just touch me." "Touch you?" "Before you've pissed in the hippos?" "I don't know what kind of weird shit you're into, lady, but if you don't piss in the hippos, how do you know who surfs first?" "If you really loved me the way you say you do" "If you love me half as much as I love you" "You would pluck a planet from the sky" "You'd use a star to dot the "i"" "In I love you... that is what you'd do" "You'd take a dreary sky and you would paint it blue" "If you loved me unconditionally" "These are the things that you would do for me" "Because I need you" "Like a fish needs the sea" "Like a fire needs oxygen" "Like a flower needs a bee" "And if you really cared for me" "You'd let me video you while you wee" "Standing up in the bath," "I shouldn't even have to ask" "Perhaps you'll even store a little more in a flask" "These are just the things that people do" "When their love for one another is true" "We go together" "Like a cracker and Brie" "Like racism and ignorance" "Like bling and RB" "But if you really want to show you care" "You'd let me wear your underwear" "When we visit your mum, it's a bit of harmless fun" "I just like talking about your childhood with some lace between my buns" "There's no reason for a big to-do" "If your love for one another is true" "We go together" "Like a bird and a nest" "Like Internet and porn" "Like guns and the US" "And if you love me like you say you do" "You'd purchase forty cockatoos" "And teach them to fly... in formation in the sky" "And shit the words "Tim is God" on my ex-girlfriend's Hyundai" "Sure, it might be easier with doves" "But shirking challenges is not what love" "Is all about" "Love is not all wine and roses" "Sometimes it's handcuffs and cheese" "No-one said love is for free" "And if you agree with that" "You'd sing passages from the Coran wearing nothing but a Bob the Builder hat" "To the tune of waltzing Matilda" "I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder builder" "Yeah, Islam" "nationalism" "And a little-bitty builder" "Yeah, I fucking love it." "Yeah, Islam" "And Bob the fucking Builder! Bob the fucking Builder!" "Because I need you" "Like a tick needs a tock" "Like bananas need pyjamas" "Like a nun needs cock" "And if you want to put your love for me first" "You wouldn't go through childbirth" "You'd agree to adopt so that you could stay thin" "We'll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin" "And communists don't make as much noise" "And they're really good at sharing their toys" "Because I dig you" "Like an Aussie digs pies" "Like Born-Agains dig Jesus" "Like Jesus dug guys" "And if you love me just a modicum" "You'd [?" "] of my perineum" "Stick a finger up my bum" "As I'm about to come" "I've heard it's quite acceptable and reasonably fun" "Not that I'm saying that I want you to" "But, hypothetically, it's something you might do" "If you loved me unconditionally" "Like letting me video you while you wee" "Assuming there's nothing worth watching on TV" "I'll tell you, um, uh, Palestine, eh?" "Things are really bad up there." "The Muslim and the Jewish people don't seem to get along very well in" "Israel and Palestine." "It's the craziness of the circular nature of the violence, like, every act of violence is just revenge for a previous act, and in turn we get another act, and, uh ..." "And it's hard to imagine how there's ever gonna be a lasting peace in the region, you know, because of the circular, the self- perpetuating nature of the violence, and" "I was thinking about this the other day, and I thought" "Maybe- maybe the solution's not gonna be one of these huge solutions that, sort of" "[?" "] in the papers each day, and maybe it won't a military intervention or ..." "god forbid- or a geographical thing, or a diplomatic solution." "But maybe- maybe what it's gonna be is, like, a seed." "Like maybe, maybe peace has to come from a peace-seed." "That's, like- Someone plants in the region, and it grows into a, like a tree of peace." "With branches that reach out over the whole region, over both" "Israel and Palestine, shadowing it with its peace branches." "It's a metaphor!" "Anyway, I was thinking about this." "I was thinking about this,and I thought :" "Maybe!" "Maybe this seed, like, maybe, all they need is a really good peace-anthem." "So I've taken the liberty of penning a little something, and, uh, and I thought it would be wise to bouce it off a relatively impartial crowd, here, in my home country, before I actually pop over there," "and start basking on the Gaza strip." "So this is my peace-anthem for Palestine." "Obviously, being an anthem, there'll be opportunity, towards the end, for you to sing along." "If you know the words." "We don't eat pigs," "You don't eat pigs," "It seems it's been that way forever" "So if you don't eat pigs," "And we don't eat pigs," "Why not, not eat pigs together?" "Pigs." "We don't eat pigs, You don't eat pigs," "It seems it's been that way forever" "So if you don't eat pigs, And we don't eat pigs," "Why not, not eat pigs together, together?" "Pigs." "Pigs." "Pigs." "We don't eat pigs," "What, wha" "Wait, wait, wait, ?" "We don't eat pigs," "You don't eat pigs," "It seems it's been that way forever Sing!" "So if you don't eat pigs," "And we don't eat pigs," "Why not, not eat pigs together, why not?" "Why not, not eat pigs together?" "One more time!" "Why not, not eat pigs together, why not?" "Rock!" "You know how in, um," "Hollywood Mills  Boon novels and stuff, there's this myth perpetuated that, uh," "that, uh, love should happen at first sight." "Or that, if it does, it's more valuable or something, and" "I've written a love song to, sort of, redress that." "Well, it's a nice song, it's- cos it reminds me that love creeps up on you, you know?" "And, uh," "Sometimes, when you're least expecting it." "Often when you don't really want it." "So, um, this is a ..." "This is a love song about that creepy-uppy kinda love." "You grew on me like a tumour" "And you spread through me like malignant melanoma" "And now you're in my heart" "I should've cut you out back at the start" "Now I'm afraid there's no cure for me" "No dose of emotional chemotherapy" "Can halt my pathetic decline" "I should've had you removed back when you were benign" "I picked you up like a virus" "Like meningococcal meningitis" "Now I can't feel my legs" "When you're around I can't get out of bed" "I've left it too late to risk an operation" "I know there's no hope of a clean amputation" "The successful removal of you" "Would probably kill me too" "You grew on me like carcinoma" "Crept up on me like untreated glaucoma" "Now I find it hard to see" "This untreated dose of you has blinded me" "I should've consulted my local physician" "I'm stuck now forever with this tunnel vision" "My periphery is screwed" "Wherever I look now, all I see is you" "When we first met you seemed fickle and shallow" "But my armour was no match for your poison arrow" "You are wedged inside my breast" "If I tried to pull you out now I might bleed to death" "I'm feeling short of breath" "You grew on me like a tumour" "And you spread through me like malignant melanoma" "I guess I never knew" "How fast a little mole can grow" "on you" "Tell you something," "I worry, um, because" "I"m just about playing my last song, and" "You want me to stop now?" "That's, um- I meant, I meant" "That was a little joke about me interpreting that as "Oh, don't play your last song."" "But what it sounds like "Do you want me to stop now?", like a teacher." "I didn't mean, like" " I mean the first one, the low status one, not the high status one." "I worry that because- because a lot of my songs" "are sort of a little bit comic, or, like a little bit light-hearted, that, um, that," "that people are gonna leave my show thinking that I lack depth." "And I don't, I don't want that." "So, to relay that fear, I always finish on this song." "Which I've written in the key of C sharp Minor." "See what I'm saying?" "And to kind of add to this sense of profundity created by the key," "I tend to change the lights as well." "Paul, have you got those, um, those, uh, reds." "Yeah." "You know what I'm saying, like a" "And with this lighting state, combined with minor key," "I think, mostly people leave my show, hopefully having had a good time and everything, but also thinking" ""Yeah, that guy is really deep."" "So this is a, uh" "This is a song called 'Dark Side'." "And, uh," "I'll see you at the other end." "I can have a dark side" "If you want me to" "I can have a dark side" "I can develop my brooding potential" "If pain's what you want in an act" "Pain I can do" "I can have a dark side too" "I can have a dark side too" "Hey!" "Yeah!" "I called my girlfriend up on the phone" "I said, "Hey g-girlfriend what's g-going wrong?"" "She said, "I'm breaking it off with you" ""I feel as if the ma-ma-magic has gone"" "I said, "Hey baby what're you talking about?" ""I thought that everything was just fine"" "She said, "That's exactly the point" ""I just get so annoyed how you're so happy all the time" ""I need somebody deeper than you" ""Someone with a little third-dimension"" "I said," "Well, I can have a dark side" "If you want me to" "I can have a dark side" "I can develop my brooding potential" "If pain's what you want in a man" "Pain I can do" "I can have a dark side too" "I can have a dark side" "I can have a dark side" "I can have a dark side" "Hey!" "I wrote a letter to Mr Sony" "Said, "Hey S-sony what's g-going down?" ""I've got a record and I reckon it's wicked" ""And I th-think you should s-spread it around"" "He said, "Hey Tim, I quite like your work" "He said "It's clever and quirky" ""But I promise you this" ""You could be clever as Voltaire" ""But it won't get you nowhere" ""If you wanna sell discs" ""Clever never made no one rich" ""It doesn't appeal to the teenage market" ""The teenage market!"" "Well, I can have a dark side" "If you want me to" "I can have a dark side" "I can reveal my tortured internals" "If pain's what you want in an act" "Pain I can do" "I can have a dark side too" "I can have a dark side too" "Daddy never came to my ball games" "Where are you daddy?" "Daddy never came to my ball games" "He never loved me" "Daddy never came to my ball games" "Daddy never came" "Daddy never came to my ball games" "Daddy never came" "Daddy never came to my ball games" "Daddy never came" "And I," "I can have a dark side" "If you want me to" "If you want me to" "And I," "I can have a dark side" "If you want me to" "I can have a dark side too" "I," "I can have a dark side If you want me to" "Yeah, I can have one If you want me to" "Yeah I," "I can have a dark side If you want me to" "Rock!" "Thank you." "Because of your very positive reaction," "I'm gonna do one more song." "If your reaction had have been less positive," "I would have had to think of another reason." "Hey," "You know that feeling, I think we all get that feeling sometimes, this feeling" "You know that feeling you get when you feel like you're the smallest doll in a Babooshka doll?" "This is a song about that." "This is my Earth" "And I live in it" "It's one third dirt" "And two thirds water" "And it rotates and revolves through space" "At rather an impressive pace" "And never even messes up my hair" "And here's the really weird thing" "The force created by its spin" "Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in" "This is my Earth" "And it's fine" "It's where I spend the vast majority of my time" "It's not perfect" "But it's mine" "It's not perfect" "This is my country" "And I live in it" "It's pretty big" "And nice to walk on" "And the bloke who runs my country" "Has built a demagoguery" "And tought us to be fearful and boring" "And the weirdest thing is that he is" "Conservative of politics" "But really rather radical of eyebrow" "This is my country" "And it's fine" "It's where I spend the vast majority of my time" "It's not perfect" "But it's mine" "It's not perfect" "This is my house" "And I live in it" "It's made of cracks" "And photographs" "We rent it off a guy who bought it from a guy" "Who bought it from a guy" "Whose grandad left it to him" "And the weirdest thing is that this house" "Has locks to keep the baddies out" "But they're mostly used to lock ourselves in" "This is my house" "And it's fine" "It's where I spend the vast majority of my time" "It's not perfect" "But it's mine" "It's not perfect" "But it's mine" "This is my body" "And I live in it" "It's 31" "And 6 months old" "It's changed a lot since it was new" "It's done stuff it wasn't built to do" "I often try to fill it up with wine" "And the weirdest thing about it is" "I spend so much time hating it" "But it never says a bad word about me" "This is my body" "And it's fine" "It's where I spend the vast majority of my time" "It's not perfect" "But it's mine" "It's not perfect" "This is my brain" "And I live in it" "It's made of love" "And bad song lyrics" "It's tucked away behind my eyes" "Where all my fucked up thoughts can hide" "Cos God forbid I hurt somebody" "And the weirdest thing about a mind" "Is that every answer that you find" "Is the basis of a brand new cliché" "This is my brain" "And it's fine" "It's where I spend the vast majority of my time" "It's not perfect" "But it's mine" "It's not perfect" "But it's mine" "It's not perfect" "I'm not quite sure I've worked out how to work it" "It's not perfect" "But it's mine"