"Guys, I got good news." "I sat down and took a look at my life." "I am so sorry." "You doin' okay, buddy?" "Actually, it was great." "I took a long, hard look at myself, and realized what I was missing." " A girlfriend?" " No." " A job?" " No." " Boyfriend?" " No." " Email address?" " No." "Personal relationship with your creator?" "Hey, can I finish my story?" "No, we can get this." "A phone, either land line or cell." "No." "Sheets without animals or names of NFL teams on them." "Okay, you're getting warm now." "So I'm gonna tell you." "When I was a kid," "I went on vacation to the boardwalk at venice beach." "And on that boardwalk, I met a special, amazing man." "This man had what everyone in the world wanted." "An iguana on his shoulder." "Sounds like a real winner." "Actually, he wasn't." "Without the iguana, he was just another weird dude with a smelly, ratty beard, trying to hit on my mom." "But with the iguana, he was the man that everyone admired." "And who actually ended up sleeping with my mom." "I never blamed her..." "Because I understood the power of a man with an unnatural pet on his shoulder." "Guys, there's someone I want you to meet." "My new best friend/iguana," "Diane Wiest." "Wow, that... that's..." "Wow." "It's..." "Beautiful?" "Why'd you name it Diane Wiest?" "Have you seen hannah and her sisters?" "If you had, it'd be obvious." "Was it expensive?" "It was very expensive." "But now people will know what a rebel and an outsider I am." "You guys won't believe how my life's gonna change." "I could walk into any city walk or outdoor mall, pier, or promenade knowing that I'm the guy, the guy." "Get some." "Uh, wow." "It's not too late to join me." "I mean, we can get you some silver body paint, and you could stand still for ten hours." "You, we'll get some roller-skates on you." "You could play electric violin." "Maybe a rainbow wig." "Dudes, together, we can rip it up." " No." " Yes." " I mean, no." " No." "all right, people." "Listen up." "Thank you." "Well, as if your awful little lives couldn't get worse, this school has decided to serve up another f-u sandwich." "Apparently, the commies on the school boart politbüro have decided to send some red army thug into my classroom to indoctrinate you all with something they call "art class."" "I know, I know." "I don't like this any more than you do." "As we all know, art equals expression equals free speech, equals civil liberties, equals the terrorists have won, and you have to marry a horse." "Yeah, when does the art class start?" "I'm afraid it starts today." "All right, you don't have to pretend for me." "But you should put on a good face for whatever brown shirt pinko is about to goose step through that door." "It's a miss hauser." "Hello?" "Wowie wow wow." "Wow, wow!" "Wowie." "Wow!" "Wow, wow!" "Choo!" "I've..." "I've got slight allergies." "You must be Mr. Henkel." "And you must be miss vaginal intercourse." "Er, hauser." "Welcome to my desensitizing lubricant." "I hope that you don't mind my sharing your classroom like this." "Oh, no, no." "It's my pleasure." "I'm a big believer in art education and your whole socialist agenda." "Well..." "As much as I would love to just stand here and chat with you all day," "I should..." "I should probably get to my students." " Mm-hmm." "All right, people." "I want you to treat this beautiful, fierce, fertile-looking woman with the respect she deserves." "If any of you show even a glimmer of disrespect to this woman, her long, supple limbs or the scent of springtime that seems to follow wherever she goes, then you will know the wrath of Mr. Henkel." "If you need anything, anything at all," "I'll be in the bathroom that locks for the entire next hour." "Okay?" "Okay." "Oh, careful." "She's a vision." "Absolutely amazing." "It's as if Venus herself came to teach the class." "Or Serena." "Either of the Williams sisters." "She's just that beautiful." " Really?" " Yeah." "I thought you had a problem with the whole arts program." "Josh, I'm a simple man." "You know, if something is new or different," "I react with hatred and intolerance." "It's the American way." "What's up, guys?" "I just spent the whole day with Diane Wiest on my shoulder." "You're not gonna believe how my life has changed." "People stop to say hi to me." "I got a nod from a black guy." "A dude with a parrot gave me a high-five." "It was great." "You do look like a new man." "Have you lost weight?" "Oh, yeah, a bunch." "What's your secret?" "Well, I get up early every morning." "I do little-to-no exercise every day." "I combine that with a sensible diet." "For lunch, I have a French dip sandwich." "Dinner, French dip." "Breakfast... you familiar with French toast?" "Well, I have a French dip." "Now, you combine that with the kick-ass mental attitude that comes with being an iguana man, and you're good to go." "I can't believe you lost all that weight eating nothing but French dip sandwiches." "Proof's right here, buddy." "I don't know how it works." "I don't know how a fork works, either." "But I still use one." "Mm." "Hey, Meg, one French dip." "Make that two French dips." "Hey, Meg, what do you think about a guy who lost a lot of weight and carries around an iguana?" "Sounds like a guy who knows where to buy some crystal meth." "Good one." "Ohh." "Mr. Henkel, you startled me." "Sorry, I thought I'd just come say hello." "That is, if you're to busy." "Oh, not at all." "You know, I think that you have a wonderful group of students here." "I know." "Yeah, it's the smart ones that cause trouble." "These are more dumb and manageable." "Like cows." "Well, I think that some of them are very talented." "Which speaks to how well you've cultivated their young minds, Mr. Henkel." "Well, I don't show them just any movie." "Now, one boy, Connor Sperling, is really quite an artist." "Oh, you know, uh," "I like my art mainly in jigsaw puzzle form." "This one looks like it'd be a toughie." "So anyway, now that we're sharing a classroom," "I thought maybe we could get to know each other better." "I would like that." "Would you like to have coffee with me?" "Because I've got a coffee pot in my car." "Uh, miss hauser, would it be okay if I work on my drawing some more during free period?" "Yes, Connor." "You know, you're really capturing the light on this one." "You know, I've got this cup that when you pour something hot in it, grimace turns purple." "You know what?" "I was thinking, actually, it could use a tiny bit of blue." "Blue." "Really?" "Show me." "You..." "Now you try." "Did I mention the coffee has booze in it?" "Yes, uh, wow." "That's perfect." "Say, you know what?" "Forget about the coffee." "Miss hauser, there's this little cafe a couple of blocks from school." "Perhaps I could take you to lunch." "Oh, I can't." "I'm helping Connor." "You can't or you cannot?" "Those are the same thing." "Are they?" "Yes." "Yes, well..." "So they are." "Uh, you're blocking my light." "You know what you're blocking of mine, son?" "This French dip thing is actually working." "I've eaten these for five days straight, and I've lost a few pounds." "Oh, wait till you're on it for a couple weeks." "The weight'll just start flying off." "Yesterday, Diane Wiest barely recognized me." "She took a chunk that big out of my arm." "Another week of these," "I'll be able to take one of those boudoir photos of myself for miss hauser." "I'm thinkin' tasteful, black and white." "I'm holding one of those little masks on a stick." "Guys, this is incredible." "My dad's sitting on a French dip goldmine." "Dad, you know that money I lost?" "You mean my life savings?" "Yes, I'm familiar with it." "I've discovered a way to make that money back, and then some." "Your French dip sandwiches actually make people lose weight." "Josh, there are 1,600 calories in those sandwiches." "We marinate the beef in butter." "Yeah, but sometimes you gotta eat fat to lose fat." "It's like how the polio vaccine is made out of polio." "That doesn't make sense." "It's the exception that proves the rule." "That doesn't make sense either." "Dad, it takes more calories to digest that sandwich than are in it." "Nope." "Look we just gotta let people know about the French dip diet, and then this place is gonna explode." "Josh, please don't help me." "I've done nothing wrong." "You know, if Luke Skywalker had listened every time his father said no, he never would have killed yoda Kenobi with that lifesaver." "Are you trying to make a star wars reference?" "Yeah, I gotta see that movie sometime." "We gotta get some buzz going about this diet." "I'll send some spam emails." "Chris, pretend to be 12 different people on a message board." "Not an unfamiliar m.O. For me." "Glenn, you tell some talkative fat ladies." "That'll really get the word of mouth going." "With Diane Wiest by my side, them talkative fat ladies will come to me." "Oh, yes, they will." " Christopher." " Hello, Mrs. Franklin." "I'm here to give Jeremy some extra help with his history homework." "How nice." "I'll make you boys a snack." "All right." "Hope you're ready for the three branches of government." "I wish they were 300." " Okay, I need a favor." " I'm listening." "There's this kid in my class named Connor Sperling." "He's become inconvenient." "I need him taken care of." "Chris, this is not what I do." "I just need you to rough him up a little." "You don't have to break his legs or anything." "Not that I'm telling you how to do your job." "Just get him out of the picture." "I'm trying to take my operation legit." "Maybe if you came to me a year ago, when I was 12." "I was younger and unrefined." "I remember." "Back then, I would have sent a guy to the kid's house..." "Of representatives, which is part of the legislative branch." "And then the executive branch would veto the legislative branch in the knee caps with a tire iron." "And that's how a bill becomes a law." "Here are some gingerbread men I had made." "Now, be sure to eat the legs first..." "So they don't run away!" "Okay, you gotta help me." "I can't hit a kid." "I'm a teacher." "I hit a kid, seven months later, he gets a growth spurt, then I'm running scared until he goes to college." "Chris, you've always been a friend to me." "I'll talk to this boy and see if we can come to an understanding." "Thank you, Mr. Jeremy." "But, Chris, someday I'm gonna ask you to do me a favor." "Say, flunking a basketball player to beat a point spread." "And that may never come." "But here's the guy's name, and do it by Friday." "I never thought I'd say this, but there will be a ten-minute wait." "Can you believe it?" "Ten minutes!" "Oh, oh, this is so good." "So..." "Okay, five French dips and a bucket of au jus." "We are so busy that your father asked me to help." "But I've never been a waitress before." "We'll make it easy for you, mom." "Three French dips." "Three eiffel towers on a raft, an above-ground pool on the side, and make 'em bleed!" "This is so much fun." "What else?" " Uh, a coke?" " A coke." "Give me a dog in a cable knit sweater, run it through the garden, take it to the vet, and put it down!" "Strangle a drifter, stuff the body in a hollow tree, and dress up in his clothes." "Also, three French dips and a coke, please." "Anything else?" "No one order anything else." "Hey, what's wrong with your dad?" "I don't know." "I think he's happy." "I've never seen it before, either." "Yeah, he looks really really uncomfortable." "Like he doesn't know what to do with his hands." "Is he trying to skip?" "Ugh, it's excruciating to watch." "You know what?" "He's happy because of me." "Yeah, he's happy, everyone's losing weight," "Diane Wiest is peeing in my tub." "Life is great." "About that weight thing." "That five pounds I lost..." "I put it back on." "Plus another ten." "Yeah, I'm ballooning up too." "And, also, I never lost any weight in the first place." "I just said I did because you guys peer pressured me." "We never peer pressured you." "You're right." "I agree with what you guys are saying." "Well, I lost a ton of weight." "Have you been drinking your au jus?" "I just drank a whole glass." "I can't explain it." "I mean, look at me." "I'm lookin' good in the neighborhood." "Right?" "I feel great." "Except for a little bit of searing pain in my bones." "That doesn't sound great." "Okay, hate the game, not the player, chubsy ubsy." "Well, heh." "This whole thing doesn't make any sense." "But keep doing what you're doing." "I'm proud of you, son." "It does feel good to hear you say that, dad." "Well, you earned it." "I think we might have a problem." "I gained ten pounds yesterday." "I think the only reason I thought I lost weight was 'cause I used mom's scale." "She has it adjusted so she weighs 85 pounds." "Now, shut up." "Don't screw this up for me." "I already bought $1,200 worth of rolls and meat." "And I got a doctor coming tomorrow to put his name on this diet to make it legit." "Yeah, but the whole thing's kind of based on a fraud." "Josh, I never had success before that I didn't earn." "And you know what?" "This is better." "Yeah, it's like peeing in the pool." "They say you're not supposed to, but it feels great." "Yeah, but, dad..." "Josh, Josh, Josh." "Come here." "Come here, look." "Look at all these people." "The market has spoken." "And it's saying, "do me, Carl!"" "Now, if you'll excuse me," "I'm gonna skip on out to the dining room." "Excuse me, miss hauser." "Uh, it's terrible what happened to Connor." "But now that you have some time freed up," "I took the liberty of making some dinner reservations." "I hope you like unlimited breadsticks." "Hello, Mr. Henkel." "Connor here was just drawing a villa in provence." "Hmm, let me guess." "You'll still be helping him with it at 6:30." "Yes, that's right, Mr. Henkel." "Nice, um, flowers." "I'm sorry, I have to go, because my eyes have dirt in them." "Ahem." "Hey, man." "Don't "hey man, me." ""Hey man" you." "Whoa, whoa, settle down." "What's the problem?" "I thought you were gonna take care of that Connor kid." "I went to talk to him, and we got to looking through his portfolio." "Turns out he's a pretty good artist." "I bought three pieces." "He reminds me of hockney, without all the gayness." "Well, thanks for nothing." "Looks like I'll be dining alone tonight." "Unless you like fondue." " No." " I didn't think so." "Chris, if you like this woman, tell her how you feel." "Don't let some kid push you around." "You're right." "Now, uh..." "Go run along." "Okay." "Glenn, are you..." "Are you okay?" "Oh, yeah, man." "Let's order up some French dips." "You don't look so hot." "No?" "I haven't looked in the mirror in a while." "My eyes can't focus real good." "Okay, okay." "I'm starting to get worried about you." "I'm okay, man." "Just order me another French dip." "And let Diane Wiest chew it for me, 'cause my mouth is getting sleepy." "No, I got this guy, and he'll write up the diet as a book for a flat fee, and then we'll just slap our names on it." "Oh, I'm fine with any arrangement where the writer gets no backend." "Guys, I'd like you to meet Dr. Justin Brenneman." "Dr. Brenneman, this is my son Josh, the genius behind the French dip diet." "So..." "How much weight have you lost, son?" " Oh, me?" " Mm-hmm." "None." "Glenn's the only one who's actually lost weight." "Are you all right?" "You don't look very good." "Is something crawling on me?" "Other than the iguana?" "So, uh, excessive weight loss, very high fever." "Slight to severe dementia." "This man is very sick." "Oh, I'm sure he's fine." "Just a stab in the dark." "Could he be sick because he's been carrying a filthy lizard around for a week?" "Well, he could have contracted a parasite." "But only if he ingested some of the animal's feces." "I don't think we can rule that out." "Of course, uh, a parasite can only do this kind of damage on a person who's on a diet with essentially zero nutritional value." "Oh, well, that's a given." "Oh, boy." "Well..." "We all learned something here today, didn't we?" "I guess we did." "We learned that you and my other grandma used to like to take me to the beach." "I love playing in the sand with my shovel." "Where am I?" "Ahem." "Oh, I'm floating down a long tunnel towards a white room." "What's he talking about?" "I think he might be about to die." "Ahem." "Uh, miss hauser." "Do you have a moment?" "Hello, Mr. Henkel." "Miss hauser, in the time we've known each other," "I've spoken around my feelings." "Beaten around the bush." "And it's time I spoke my mind." "You know, I haven't been totally honest with you about my true feelings, either." "Well, go ahead." "Oh, Mr. Henkel, this is..." "Ohh." "This is a crazy world that we live in." "But sometimes..." "You meet people." "Special people." "And they just..." "They help you make sense of the whole thing." "Do you have any idea what I'm saying right now?" "I do." "If I've learned anything, it's that when you meet these special people, you need to hold on to them, no matter what." "Even if society says that they're complete wrong for you." "Society says bad things about me all the time." "Look at us." "Two lonely fools who want the same thing." "Such silly fools." "What are you doing?" " What?" " Rebecca..." "Is this man bothering you?" "I can handle it, darling." " W-wait." "Your special person is that kid?" "Yep." "And I am his." "He's only 15!" "He's going to be 18 in 2 years, 7 months, and 26 days." "And I'm willing to wait..." "For Connor." "He may be young, but he has an old soul." "Farewell, Mr. Henkel." "And good-bye." " We had a ten-minute wait, Josh." "People were waiting to eat here for ten minutes." " I know." " Hmm." "I'm sorry." "How's Glenn?" " Stabilized." " Oh, that's good to hear." "Yeah." "Chris and I dumped Diane Wiest in a ditch by the side of the highway." "You did the right thing." "Yeah, I thought so." "Listen, Josh, this whole French dip fiasco," "I can kind of see how you could get caught up in something, and before you know it, it's gone." "Like me and your life savings." "Like you and my life savings, yeah." "I got $1,200 worth of French rolls and medium grade sandwich beef in the kitchen." "Someone's gotta eat it before it goes moldy." "I'm your man." "Clearly, I'm the man for that." "That's why I asked." "Yeah, let's do it."