"MC: 'And now, from New York, 'the Jerry Langford Show." "'Jerry's guests " "'Tony Randall," "'Richard Dreyfus, Rodney Dangerfield," "'Dr Joyce Brothers, Lou Brown and the orchestra.'" "And little old me, Ed Herlihy." "And now, say hello... to Jerry!" "APPLAUSE" "CHEERING" "WHISTLING" "MUSIC STOPS" "Thank you very much." "You look like a great audience." "Lou Brown, ladies and gentlemen and the marvellous Langford Orchestra." "And Ed, how are you tonight?" "I'm very well." "I'm sorry I woke you." "LAUGHTER" "If you want Jerry's autograph, give me the books." "Give me the books." "OK." "MAN:" "Have him write something personal." "Half an hour!" "Goodbye." "MAN MUTTERS" "Hiya, Rupert." "Hey, Rupert, who did you get?" "I got Rodney Dangerfield." "I'll trade it for Barbra." "Sidney, I'm really not that interested." "It's not my whole life - What's that supposed to mean?" "It's not my whole life." "It's yours, but not mine." "EXCITED SCREAMING" "SCREAMING" "Jerry, excuse me." "I love you." "Don't go, Jerry." "No!" "Would you stop shoving?" "Are you OK?" "HUBBUB DROWNS SPEECH" "Jerry!" "No, no!" "MUSIC: "Come Rain Or Come Shine" by Ray Charles" "# I'm gonna love you" "# Like no-one's loved you" "# Come rain or come shine" "# High as a mountain" "# Deep as a river" "# Come rain or come shine" "# I guess when you met me" "# It was just one of those things" "# But don't ever bet me" "# Cos I'm gonna be true" "# Well, if you let me" "# You're gonna love me" "# Like nobody's loved me" "# Come rain or come shine" "# Happy together" "# Unhappy together" "# Wouldn't it be fine?" "# Days may be cloudy or sunny" "# We're in or we're out of the money" "# Yeah" "# I'm with you always" "# I'm with you rain" "# Or shine" "# Yeah. #" "SCREAMING" "No, will you just please...?" "OK!" "Stand back!" "Stand back!" "Please let Mr Langford get some air." "Stand back!" "Get your hands off me!" "Jerry, I'm sorry." "I don't mean to disturb you." "I just want to talk to you." "This is not the time." "If we could just drive away." "I'll talk while we drive." "Drive away?" "I don't like people getting in the car." "I don't mean to be rude, but I put myself on the line for you." "Go ahead, Harvey." "Hit it." "HORN BEEPS" "Here." "Thanks." "Is that your initials?" "Yeah." "I want to tell you, my name is Rupert Pupkin." "It means nothing to you, but it means an awful lot to me." "Calm down." "Calm down." "Take your time." "You might have wondered who I am." "I've been outside your show many times." "I'm in communications right now, but by nature I'm a comedian, you know." "I know what you'll say." ""Oh, no, not another one."" "Believe me, I'm good." "I'm dynamite." "I wouldn't take your time if I wasn't convinced I'm dynamite." "You wonder, if I'm so good, why haven't you caught my act somewhere." "I'll tell you why." "Up till now, I've bided my time slowly and carefully." "So that when my big break came, like you when Jack Parr got sick." "That night convinced me I wanted to be a comedian." "I walked out of that show like I was in a dream." "I saw you on Sullivan." "I studied everything you did." "I studied the way you built your one-liners, nice and relaxed." "How you didn't say, "Folks, here's the punch line."" "You know what I'm talking about?" "You don't say, "Here's the punch line." You just do it." "Exactly." "That's what I love." "What I'm trying to say is, now I'm ready." "I've finished the course." "And I'm thinking, as I sit here now, that maybe this is my big break." "You know what I mean?" "What do you think?" "What did you say your name was?" "Rupert Pupkin." "Look, pal, I gotta tell you this is a crazy business." "But it's not unlike others." "There are ground rules." "You don't walk on to a network show without experience." "It's a hackneyed expression, but you have to start at the bottom." "I know." "That's where I am." "That's perfect." "I know that but there's gotta be..." "It looks so simple to the viewer at home." "Those things that are so relaxed and look like it's a matter of just taking another breath, it takes years and years of honing it." "I don't mean to interrupt you, but the problem is I'm 34 years old." "I'm asking you to listen to my act, that's all." "Tell me what you think about it." "I'll tell you what." "Why don't you call my office and ask for Cathy Long, my secretary?" "We'll make time for you." "I had this conversation in my head many times." "Did it always turn out this way?" "Yeah, it did." "I believe when you get over the initial shyness, you'll be OK." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I hope it works out for you, Rupert." "Thanks, Jerry." "Thanks a lot." "It was a pleasure meeting you, Jerry." "Jerry." "I'm a little short on cash, but I'd love to take you to dinner." "I've got people waiting for me." "OK." "Thanks, Jerry." "Jerry." "Let me show you a picture of my pride and joy." "That's good." "That's good, is it?" "Yeah, it is." "Hey, Jerry, take it." "Take it." "Go ahead." "Consider it a gift." "I will." "Jerry!" "Seriously, you ever want lunch, my treat." "Call my office." "OK." "Jerry, you're a prince." "Hey, Rupe, I really appreciate you meeting me for lunch." "I know how busy and how tired you are." "What are friends for, Jerry?" "You're the one who looks tired." "Yeah, I know." "It's the show." "The pressure, the ratings." "The same guests, the same questions." "I'm not enjoying it any more." "That's...the worst." "Listen." "I really wish you'd think about it again." "What?" "You're starting again?" "You're starting up again?" "It's not that big a deal to think." "I am thinking." "I do." "I think day and night about it." "How can I not think about it?" "I'm having lunch with you, which is why you invited me." "I'm just getting guilty with you." "I want you to take over the show for six weeks." "What's six weeks?" "I'll give you anything, but don't ask me to do the show for six weeks." "I can't even take over my own life for six weeks." "You're asking me to do something impossible." "Rupert!" "What?" "What are you doing down there?" "It's impossible!" "Do you want the tears to come out of my eyes?" "There must be a way to work it out." "It's just six weeks." "Excuse me. .." "Mr Pupkin?" "Do you think you could...?" "Yeah." "What's your name, dear?" "Dolores." "Dolores?" "That was my father's name." ""To Dolores..." ""Sensed greatness."" "There you go, sweetheart." "Thanks, Mr Pupkin." "Don't mention it." "MOM:" "Rupert!" "Who are you talking to?" "Mom!" "What is it?" "PLEASE stop calling me." "It's terrific." "It's great." "There's only one problem." "He made you bigger." "Will you give me an answer?" "All right, you got the six weeks." "Don't bother me." "I'll give you the six weeks." "Are you happy now?" "You're a tough man, Rupe." "You gotta be in this business." "PHONE RINGS" "PHONE RINGS" "Hello." "'Hello." "It's Masha, Jerry.'" "Who?" "Who is this?" "'It's Masha." "I left a note on the back seat.'" "'I dropped it before they dragged me out.'" "'Those guys hurt me." "I think it was a bit much.'" "How did you get this number?" "'Don't get angry.'" "How did you get this number?" "'I've been trying to call you...'" "HE TAKES PHONE OFF HOOK" "How have you been, Rita?" "Do I know you?" "I think you might." "Rupert." "Rupert Pupkin, right?" "Right." "I brought you a little present." "Oh, yeah, I remember." "Mr Romance." "An aspirin will help it last." "So, what are you up to these days?" "You're looking as beautiful as ever, Rita." "Here I am." "Local cheerleader makes good." "You know, it's funny, but I voted for you in Miss Beautiful." "Did you?" "That was sweet." "I didn't have the nerve to tell you." "Now you can tell me." "We're both adults." "Isn't that funny, though?" "When you're younger, you're afraid to say those things." "15, 20 years later, you can say all those things you should have." "Isn't that the final irony of life?" "I guess." "Are you happy in this place, Rita?" "Why?" "You got something better?" "Maybe." "Like what?" "What are you doing tonight?" "What am I doing tonight?" "What's so funny?" "It only took you 15 years to ask me for a date." "It's a little late." "Really?" "Well..." "Waiter." "Can I have a fresh one?" "Rita." "Who is your favourite movie star?" "What is this?" "Some kind of a game?" "Will you tell me something about my character?" "You'll see." "Everybody has a favourite movie star." "I'd better come up with somebody or we won't get out of here." "That's a little test." "Oh, let's see." "Marilyn Monroe." "Perfect." "Ballot register, huh?" "That's her name." "She signed this on the publicity tour for The Misfits." "That was her last movie." "Yeah." "She wasn't a great actress, but she did have a real gift for comedy." "She died tragically alone like many of the world's beautiful women." "I don't want to see that happen to you." "Who's this?" "Burt Reynolds." "Mel Brooks." "He's what you call "on" funny." "Others are just regular." "Sid Caesar is remarkable." "I like him." "He's great." "Woody Allen is a personal friend of mine." "Of course he is." "No, he is." "That's Ernie Kovacs." "He was wonderful." "He was a great comedian." "A great innovator." "A great loss." "I bet these are worth money." "Oh, yeah." "Especially this one." "Just hold it." "Who's this?" "Just take a guess." "It looks like a retard wrote this." "The more scribbled the name, the bigger the fame." "That may be true, but who is it?" "R is the first letter." "Who is it?" "I'm tired." "I'll give you a hint." "Oooh." "Robert Redford." "No." "No, no." "That's Rupert Pupkin." "Rupert Pupkin." "I surprised you, didn't I?" "Take this as a gift." "Take care of it." "Everyone will want one." "Rupert, you have not changed." "Today, do you know who I was talking to?" "Guess." "Your shrink?" "That's very funny." "No." "Jerry Langford." "Yes." "THE Jerry Langford." "He gave me the go-ahead." "And you know what?" "Don't tell anyone, but you're with the new King of Comedy." "Why not me?" "Why not?" "A guy can get anything he wants if he pays the price." "What's so funny?" "Crazier things have happened." "You don't understand what a shot on Langford means." "It's national TV." "A bigger audience than you could get in a lifetime." "A shot at the comedy circuit." "A comedy show of my own." "The Rupert Pupkin Show." "Everything." "That all leads to Hollywood." "A beach house in Malibu." "We'll keep a suite at the Sheri." "Everybody big stays there." "Up top, so we can look down and yell, "Tough luck, suckers."" "Come on." "What do you say?" "It sounds wonderful, Rupert, but it's getting late and I'm a working girl." "I gotta go home." "I don't get you." "Here I am offering you a way out." "Rita, every king needs a queen." "I want you to be mine." "Thanks." "It's a very nice street." "Nice building." "Thanks for your jacket, Rupert." "Oh." "I guess you're entitled to come up and have some coffee." "No." "I wouldn't want to impose, really." "What do you want, Rupert?" "What?" "What do you want?" "What do I want?" "You still don't understand?" "I love you." "I want to help change your life." "Just give me a chance." "What if I set something up between me, you and Jerry?" "What if we went out for dinner?" "What do you think?" "Or we'll go to his summer house." "He wouldn't want to meet me." "Not true." "Jerry is a very nice guy." "He's a nice guy and we had a terrific meeting." "Don't sell yourself short." "You have too little faith." "You're wonderful." "Why don't you go to sleep and get a good night's rest?" "OK?" "OK." "Good night, Rupert." "Good night." "Go to sleep right away." "I tell you, boy." "Hiya, Liza." "Good seeing you." "Jerry." "Good seeing you." "Jerry." "Don't get up." "Ah, boy, I'll tell you." "Every time you come back from a tour, something in the air really becomes you." "It's like you're rejuvenated." "Isn't that so, everybody?" "Isn't that so?" "Yeah, that's the truth." "Amazing." "You look wonderful." "You look wonderful, too, Jerry." "I wasn't leaving you out." "What?" "Yeah!" "Ah, Jerry." "I love this guy." "You always come out with these great lines." "You're wonderful." "I don't know what I'd do without you." "MOM:" "Rupert, your bus is here." "Try to be on time for once!" "I can't believe this." "I gotta go now." "I gotta catch a bus." "Jerry, take care of yourself." "Baby, be good." "Good luck in Rio." "Good morning, Rupert." "Good morning." "How are you?" "This is for you." "Work." "What time is it?" "Ten o'clock." "Ten o'clock?" "Can I use the phone for one second?" "Is it local?" "Sure." "Just dial 9 and make it short." "Hello." "Jerry Langford, please." "Rupert Pupkin." "Thank you." "Yes." "Is Jerry there, please?" "Rupert Pupkin." "Yes." "Just tell him it's Rupert calling." "He'll know what it's about." "Oh." "Oh, he is?" "That's OK." "I'm in a meeting myself." "Just tell him I called, OK?" "Thank you." "And I'll call later." "Bye." "Is that THE Jerry Langford?" "I'll see you." "Hello." "Jerry Langford, please." "Rupert Pupkin." "Rupert Pupkin calling Jerry Langford." "Which, the first or the second name?" "P-U-P-K-I-N." "It's often mispronounced and misspelled." "So that's quite..." "Yes, Jerry knows what I'm calling about." "I see, I see." "I see." "Yes, you can call me." "I'll be here for the next hour and a half." "I'm at my office." "The number is JL5-4321." "Don't worry." "I am waiting for a phone call." "All these phones don't work." "The phone does not work." "I am expecting a phone call." "Let me try." "I'll make a phone call." "Hey, wait, wait, wait!" "Let me just slide in." "Let me just make a call!" "This phone don't work!" "POLICE SIREN STARTS UP" "Yes, sir?" "Jerry Langford, please." "Your name, please?" "Pupkin." "Rupert Pupkin." "Rupert..." "Pupkin." "P-U-P-K-I-N." "People often misspell it or mispronounce it." "There's a man here by the name of Rupert Pumpkin." "To see Mr Langford." "I'm sorry, Mr Pumpkin, but his secretary has no record of your appointment." "Pardon me?" "We have no record of an appointment." "Technically speaking, I don't have an official appointment." "But he did ask me to call him personally." "I had trouble calling for some reason." "The line seemed to be busy." "He has no appointment." "His secretary wants to know what this is in reference to." "Hello." "Jerry and I discussed my being on the show." "He told me to call." "Oh, sure, sure." "Sure." "I'm supposed to wait." "Is that cork?" "I don't know what it is." "Is it dripping on you?" "No." "I was looking at the patterns." "Cork is good for sound." "It's very quiet in here." "Reception." "No, you've got an hour or so before they come." "No, he hasn't come back." "Mr Pipkin?" "Pupkin." "I'm Cathy Long." "Can I help you?" "I'm Bert Thomas's assistant." "He's our executive producer." "I've already spoken to Jerry directly about being on the show." "He told me to get in touch personally." "What is it that you do?" "I'm a stand-up comic." "Right now I'm just working on new material." "As soon as you start working again, call us and we'll send someone to check out your act." "Jerry and I went over this last night." "Does Jerry know your work?" "Yes." "I don't think he does." "Do you have a tape I can listen to?" "A tape?" "Naturally." "Drop me by a tape." "I will." "I can see why Jerry would need that." "Of course." "Nice meeting you." "Nice meeting you, too." "This is really what's right." "This is great." "See you again." "Nice talking to you." "Rupert." "Hey, Rupert!" "I've got to talk to you." "What happened last night?" "Nothing happened." "Did he talk about me?" "No." "He talked about me." "He must have said something about me." "What's he gonna say about you after what you did in the car?" "You must really love this, Rupert." "You were schmucko supremo." "I'm the schmuck, me?" "You're very wrong, buddy." "If I hadn't gotten in that car, you couldn't have talked to Jerry." "What?" "Yes!" "I don't want to be cruel, but God forbid he should see me with you." "Jerry and I have a real relationship." "No fantasy world." "I don't even want to see you any more." "If that's how you want it." "I'm sorry." "Just get it to him!" "I'm giving him nothing." "No way, Jose." "You're so friendly." "You do it." "We have communication problems." "Is that what you call it?" "Go ahead." "Give it to him." "Just do this for me." "I've done things for you." "You haven't done anything for me!" "What do you mean?" "How about Howard Johnson's?" "I brought you coffee every night." "I think your mind is screwed up." "I bought my own coffee." "You never bought anything!" "I did things for you that NO money can buy." "What about the time I gave you my spot?" "I let you get next to Jerry." "I waited for eight hours for him." "You were crying and you got next to him." "I gave you my last album of The Best Of Jerry!" "It wasn't anybody else." "It was ME." "I didn't ask for money and I can't pay my rent!" "I live in a hovel and you live in a townhouse!" "I can't believe you!" "If you want to do that, I've got money for you." "I can't believe how long I've listened to your tired jokes." "Will you be quiet?" "Take this and give it to Jerry!" "All right." "This is the last time." "The last time." "When will you get it to him?" "You're a wacko." "I'll know if you don't!" "I know where you work!" "I cover the waterfront!" "Remember that." "What are you looking at?" "You're scum, street trash." "Miss Long, thanks for your help and passing this on to Jerry." "I appreciate it more than you know." "Jerry, before I begin, I want to thank you for listening to this and for the opportunity you've given me." "People think that guys who've made it lose their feeling for struggling young talent." "But now I know those people are just cynics embittered by their own failure." "You are as human as the rest of us." "If not more so." "There's no point in going on about it." "So, let's get on with the show - The Best Of Rupert Pupkin." "I've sketched out this outline to save you a bit of time." "It's a little introduction." "Close your eyes and imagine it's exactly six o'clock." "You're in the wings and the orchestra strikes up your theme song." "MUSIC: "Jerry Langford Theme"" "MC: 'And now, from New York, it's the Jerry Langford Show.'" "'With Jerry's guests, Richard Pryor, Ben Gazzara, Elizabeth Ashley, Carol Burnett...'" "And the comedy find of the year, making his television debut," "Rupert Pupkin, the new King of Comedy." "MOM:" "Rupert!" "Are you crazy?" "What's the matter with you?" "People are asleep." "Lower it!" "HE MOUTHS" "MOM:" "What's the matter with you?" "Mom!" "Take it easy." "Lower it." "I won't!" "I have to do this now!" "I don't mind you playing it, but lower it." "You come on, Jerry, and do your monologue." "Then this is how I see you introducing me, saying something like this." "Will you please give your warmest welcome to the newest King of Comedy" " Rupert Pupkin!" "APPLAUSE" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "My name is Rupert Pupkin." "I was born in New Jersey." "LAUGHTER" "Is there anyone here from...?" "LAUGHTER" "But the fact is..." "LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH" "INTENSE LAUGHTER REVERBERATES" "Mr Pipkin." "Pupkin." "Pupkin, sorry." "You'll get it right one day." "I bet you have a tape for me." "Right here." "Got your name on it?" "We'll listen and get it back to you." "Thank you." "When Jerry finds a moment." "When will that be?" "Actually, you can try me tomorrow." "Otherwise Monday." "Monday?" "Miss Long, I might just wait here a while." "Maybe Jerry will find a minute." "Mr Pupkin, you're wasting your time." "I don't mind." "I'm not wasting my time." "I'm glad to do it." "It's important to me." "I really don't mind." "It'll be Monday." "Monday?" "Well, I'll still wait." "Really, I don't mind." "It's OK." "Why don't you try me tomorrow?" "Tomorrow?" "What time tomorrow?" "4:30." "4:30." "I'll be here." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "And thank Jerry." "I will." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "At least once in his life, every man is a genius." "Rupe, it'll be more than once in your life for you." "Because you've got it." "From what I heard, you've got it." "You're stuck with it." "You can't get rid of it." "It's always gonna be there." "Now, I know there's no formula for it." "I just don't know how you do it." "And I'm not curious because I want to use the material." "I'm curious because I want to know how you do it." "I have to ask you that." "How do you do it?" "I think it's that I look at my whole life" "I hate you, but I envy you, because it's marvellous." "It's humour based on you." "No-one else can do it but you." "This weekend would be a perfect time" "I want to know how you do it." "There'll be people there, but we can work." "I would really like to come." "Wonderful." "How about putting me on your show?" "CHEERING" "Morris, you will not believe who is here." "You're wonderful." "I've watched your entire career." "CAR HORNS BLARE" "Yes, sir?" "Oh, hi." "Hi." "How are you?" "Not bad." "Good, good." "I'm fine." "Can I help you?" "Yes." "I'd like to see Jerry." "You are...?" "Pupkin." "Rupert Pupkin." "Mr Pupkin's here." "She'll be with you in a minute." "Who was that?" "Miss Long." "Oh." "I'd prefer to see Jerry." "Miss Long will take care of you." "OK." "I'll wait right here." "And as a surprise to Rupert, we'd like to present to you someone in a form we've never presented before." "Would you please welcome our mystery guest?" "Let's hear it for him." "APPLAUSE" "Jerry, this is the mystery guest?" "This is the mystery guest." "Let's see if I can place him." "I think I know." "Don't you remember me?" "No, I don't." "I'm George Kapp." "George Kapp, my high school principal." "Yes." "Well, how are you?" "He used to fail me all the time." "He's an enemy." "Only because you deserved it." "Oh, thank you." "I'm a justice of the peace now." "I perform weddings." "MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"" "What are you doing?" "I can't believe this." "Just believe it." "How would you like to see the King of Comedy marry his queen right here on the show?" "I don't know what to say!" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "FLOURISH" "MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"" "Dearly beloved." "When Rupert was a student at Clifton High School, none of us, myself, his teachers, his classmates, dreamt that he would amount to a hill of beans." "But we were wrong." "And, Rupert, you were right." "And that's why tonight, before the entire nation, we'd like to apologise to you personally" "and to beg your forgiveness for all the things we did to you." "And we'd like to thank you personally, all of us, for the meaning you've given our lives." "Please accept our warmest wishes, Rita, and Rupert, for a long and successful reign together." "We'll be back to marry them after this word." "Mr Pupkin." "How are you today?" "I'm fine." "Good, good." "Thank you for your tape." "We listened to it with great interest." "I'm glad." "We see a lot of good things in what you do." "We think you have good potential." "Good, good." "So I'll be honest." "You should be honest." "We don't think you're ready yet." "Don't think I'm ready?" "Right now you're not right for Jerry." "Some of the material is good." "Yes." "But some of the one-liners are not strong." "They're not very strong." "You didn't like the jokes?" "That's right." "Good." "I can take care of that." "Tell me the ones you don't like." "It will help." "You have good potential." "Your timing was excellent." "Thanks." "You should develop your act and test it with live situations." "That would be good for you." "There are a number of clubs you can try." "When you start, give us a call." "We'll send someone to see you." "Thanks." "You're welcome." "Bye." "Thank you." "May I ask you a question?" "Yes." "Are you speaking for Jerry?" "Yes, I am." "He has faith in our judgment." "I'm sorry, and don't take this personally, but I don't." "I DON'T have faith in your judgment." "I'm sorry you feel that way." "We can't do anything about that." "No." "I have to disagree with you." "That's your privilege, Mr Pupkin." "Excuse me, please." "I'm busy." "Miss Long, when is Jerry back?" "Mr Langford will be in late this afternoon." "We mean what we say when we thank you for stepping up." "We mean it when we say call us when you start working." "All right?" "Bye." "Goodbye." "Is there anyone else you'd like to see?" "No." "That's all right." "I don't mind waiting." "It's like the man who waited so long he forgot what he waited for." "Well, would you mind waiting outside, Mr Pupnik?" "This is not a waiting room." "I understand." "Did you ask him to leave?" "Yeah." "But he won't go." "What's his name?" "Rupert Pumpkin." "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Raymond Wirtz, in charge of security." "Let's go outside." "Is this your bag?" "Yes." "I'm waiting for Jerry." "We'll talk outside." "I know he's expecting me." "We'll talk outside." "Take your bag." "I'll explain company policy to you on the way, OK?" "Now, I'm pretty sure you understand we have certain rules here that are essential to the smooth functioning of our operation." "Can I just say that...?" "Now, just listen, please." "Without these rules we really wouldn't be able to function at our best." "I get the point, except..." "Please, Mr Puffer, please." "After you." "After you, sir, please." "If I can just say that Jerry is..." "I checked with Miss Long." "You do not have an appointment." "Company policy is that only authorised personnel and those with official business with our organisation are permitted on our premises." "You want me to leave the building?" "Well?" "Did you get it to him?" "What?" "Did you give my letter to him?" "He's not in there." "OK?" "Now you're in with him, you can't do me a favour?" "I'll find somebody else to do it." "I couldn't." "He wasn't there." "I saw him go in." "Who?" "Jerry." "He's up there right now." "It's impossible." "They assured me he was out." "And you believe them?" "You're so naive." "I'd expect that from you." "You're such a chump." "He went up there just now?" "Of course." "Get up." "Assert yourself." "He's up there now." "Oh, really." "Would you tell Jerry I'm here to see him?" "He's not in." "I know he is." "Tell him I'm here." "He's not in." "You're putting your job on the line, lady." "Security, Pumpkin's back." "You too." "MISS LONG:" "Mr Pupkin, what are you doing here?" "Mr Pupkin?" "Mr Pupkin?" "Get Security on the telephone." "MAN:" "There he goes." "Hold on!" "Grab his other arm." "All right." "Right out the door." "Let's go." "Jerry." "Jerry!" "Nobody will help you." "You'll have a lot of explaining to do, Mr Wirtz." "My lawyer will be calling you." "Make sure he gets my name right." "Say goodbye to our guest, Miss Long." "Wait till Jerry hears about this." "I will mention your name, Puffer." "Listen good." "If we see your face again, we'll call the police." "I understand." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "Terrific(!" ")" "I suppose you got the letter to him." "No, I didn't." "I will later." "You got thrown out of the building." "I didn't." "What do you call that?" "I didn't get thrown out." "I was talking." "They walked me outside." "Just a moment." "You can't handle the simplest thing." "I'll tell you something." "I'm going to Jerry's for the weekend." "Do I look OK?" "You look wonderful." "Does it look all right?" "I'm not sure." "You look wonderful." "What's wrong with it?" "I don't think you need it." "You don't think it looks nice?" "It looks wonderful." "Hello." "Hello." "You must be Jonno." "Yes." "I'm Rupert Pupkin and this is Rita Keane." "Tell Jerry we're here." "Mr Langford invited you?" "No." "We thought we'd drop in uninvited(!" ")" "Come on in." "Ooh, what a view." "The blue bag is mine." "He's not here." "Is he out playing golf?" "Yes." "Yes, of course." "I hope he finally breaks 100. 100?" "Perhaps better you come back." "That's all right." "We'll wait a minute." "Mr Langford's not here." "That's OK." "We'll just wait." "We don't mind waiting." "..Isn't this lovely?" "The table's only set for one." "How do you like it?" "I could live here." "Mr Langford." "I'm sorry to disturb you." "What's wrong?" "Everything." "There's a couple over here." "His name is er..." "Pumgin." "Do you know the name Pumgin?" "Didn't you tell him what time we'd get here?" "We didn't have time for the details." "That butler wasn't even expecting us." "Jerry has more important things to do than talking to his houseboy." "Oh, really?" "Excuse me." "He knows everything." "He knows you're playing golf." "He wants to spend the weekend here." "Yes." "You'd better come back." "He's touching everything." "He's ruining the house." "I'm getting a heart attack." "Here's a famous one." "The youngest clown in the world, Zippo." "This one with Ray Charles on Jerry's Special." "That's famous." "I know." "Here's a famous one when he was a 12-year-old kid." "Someone sent this in for the "I Knew You When" section." "They thought they were playing a joke." "# If I should take a notion" "Let's get a little life in this funeral parlour." "# Jump off into the ocean" "You should really turn that off." "That's not polite." "How about a spin, handsome?" "We shouldn't be dancing." "A little fun never hurt anybody." "What if Jerry walks in?" "He'll be happy to see us." "You're his friend." "He won't mind." "I wonder what the rest is like." "I'm sure it's very nice." "No, Rita, I wouldn't go up there." "Rita, Rita." "I don't think it's a good idea." "Rita." "They're watching us." "You can't go upstairs." "DOORBELL CHIMES" "Open the goddamned door!" "I was standing out there eight minutes." "Jesus." "Where are they?" "Hi, Jerry." "Hi, Jerry." "How are you?" "We were just freshening up." "Rita, I want you to meet" "THE Jerry Langford." "Come on down." "What's your pleasure, Jerry?" "It's hot out." "I need a drink." "Jerry, what'd you like?" "Jerry?" "Jerry?" "Excuse us for taking liberties, but it's not every day a girl like Rita meets you." "This is success." "You have to live with it." "How was your golf?" "Did you finally break 100?" "JONNO:" "I told them you were not here." "Yes, they did." "They were very helpful." "We took an earlier train." "Anyway, I brought the work." "It's right here." "All ready." "All ready and set to go." "So... where is everybody?" "What everybody?" ""What everybody?" The guests, Jer." "I'm getting a little hungry." "I could have the both of you arrested." "He could have us arrested." "Of course you could have us arrested." "We couldn't prove we belong here." "When he gets an idea, he's terrific." "I never thought of that." "You should have." "We set up a story where you invite your friends and throw them in jail!" "That's terrific." "That's terrific." "What's the matter?" "Lighten up." "Let's work on that after this." "How did you get here?" "We walked in the door." "What's the matter with you?" "How did you get here?" "I think you're upset." "I'll leave my material here." "You've got other things to worry about." "We'll take a stroll till lunch time." "Did anyone ever tell you you're a moron?" "Jerry, I want to tell you something." "Ordinarily, I wouldn't allow anyone to say that about Rita." "But since it's you, I know you're kidding." "Rupert, he's saying he wants us to go." "No, he's not saying that." "Jerry, tell her you're not saying that at all." "Call the station, Jonno." "Where are you going, Rita?" "There'll be a cab." "Wait at the gate and use it." "Why, are you going someplace?" "You are." "Did I say something wrong, Jerry?" "If so, can we chalk it up to inexperience?" "Rita?" "I have my stuff here." "We can do it in half an hour." "Then the afternoon is yours." "I want you out of here." "I want you out of here now." "Is that plain enough?" "I understand." "Is that clear?" "I understand." "You're tired." "That's OK." "Read it at your leisure and let me know what you think." "Don't be dopey." "Use your ears." "He wants us to go." "He is not telling us to go!" "Mr Langford, I want you to know..." "Tell her she's wrong." "..I don't even know this guy." "He told me you were friends." "Rita!" "I feel terrible about this." "I feel so humiliated." "Don't listen." "She works in a bar." "She wants to spoil everything." "Let's go." "Jerry..." "OK." "Come on." "Come on." "Let's go." "Sorry, Mr Langford." "Here you are." "Do you understand English?" "Go!" "I can take a hint." "Listen for 15 minutes." "Is that asking too much?" "Yes, it is." "I have a life, OK?" "I have a life, too." "That's not my responsibility!" "It is if you tell me to call you..." "I was just getting rid of you!" "To get rid of me?" "Yes." "I can take a hint." "Otherwise we'd still be outside my apartment!" "OK, so I made a mistake." "So did Hitler!" "This is the way it is when you're famous." "Do you understand?" "That's how you guys are?" "Not them." "Me, yeah!" "That's how you are at the top?" "No, I was that way before." "Now I know how people like you..." "Goodbye and good luck!" "And Jerry, Jerry," "I just want to say one more thing." "I'm glad what you did to me today." "Now I know I can't rely on anybody." "Not you." "Not anybody." "And I SHOULDN'T rely on anybody." "Right." "I'm gonna work 50 times harder and I'm gonna be 50 times more famous than you." "Then idiots like you will plague your life." "DOOR SLAMS" "Jonno, lock that door." "You did good, Mr Langford." "Thank you." "HE THROWS CLUB ON THE FLOOR" "It looks real." "That's the whole point." "Is that him?" "No." "Are you sure?" "Sure I'm sure." "It looks too much like him." "When it's him, it doesn't look like him." "It feels like it's taking him for ever." "How much longer?" "It's him." "Yeah, that's him." "Not too fast." "OK, OK." "Stay on this side, so you're not all over him." "Get in the next lane." "OK, OK, OK, OK!" "He walks in the most crowded areas." "Well, because he doesn't want to be alone." "Why?" "Tell me why." "I know." "You tell me why." "Don't get an attitude with me right now." "Explain to me." "You know so much about him." "Fill me in." "Let me learn from you." "OK." "When he walks on crowded streets, he feels safe." "That's why." "Is that what it is?" "Thanks for telling me(!" ")" "OK." "Go past him and stop." "OK, Jerry." "Get in there." "What are you doing?" "Are you crazy?" "Get in, Jerry." "Get in." "Hi, Jerry." "She's holding the gun on your head." "Don't make any false moves." "I'd hate to do anything drastic." "If everything works out, you'll be out of here by 12:00, 12:30 latest." "Well, maybe 1:00." "1:15, the very latest." "What I want you to do is call your producer." "Call what?" "Call Bert Thomas." "I'll give you a phone right now." "Get him on the phone." "And I'll tell you exactly what to say." "OK?" "Now, if you don't do it, I don't know what to say." "There could be a problem." "Watch your eyes." "I'll take these off." "It's a little bright in here." "OK." "Are these yours?" "Jerry, these are yours?" "Yeah." "Do you mind if I have one?" "(I don't mind.)" "Thank you." "..Masha, do you want one?" "Save it." "Do you want one?" "Yeah, but will you save it?" "It's inconvenient at the moment." "Thank you, Rupert." "Do you want one?" "No." "I'll just take one for later." "Don't get mad about it." "I'm just trying to ease the tension." "It's a strange situation, but there are moments of friendship and sharing." "OK, let's go." "Jerry, I mean business." "Get on the phone." "Let's go." "The fun is over." "Let's go." "Come on." "Bert Thomas, please." "Jerry Langford." "What happened?" "They hung up." "Call them again." "Why did they hang up?" "They thought it was a gag." "We get that all the time." "I find that strange." "But it's typical." "That's the way they treat even you." "I'll let you in on a little secret." "That's the way they treated me." "And now look where we are." "Bert Thomas." "Audrey, this is Jerry Langford." "Get Bert quickly." "Martino, I'm too busy for games." "Goodbye." "Did you hear what I said?" "Get Bert Thomas." "It's not a gag." "It's serious." "Move it!" "Why don't we have somebody else?" "Like what?" "It's Mr Langford." "He says it's urgent." "I'll call him back." "I'm busy." "It's that Martino kid, the impressionist." "Will you do what I tell you?" "And do it quick." "I'm sorry." "He absolutely insists on talking to you." "OK." "I'll take it." "Martino, you know better than..." "Bert, I said this is Jerry." "Jerry Langford." "I'm in deep trouble." "Now, you'd best pay attention." "Yah, I am listening." "Would you give me that again?" "Wait a minute." "I wanna ask you something." "What do we call our second cameraman?" "We call our second cameraman" "Helen Keller." "His favourite colour is plaid." "Helen Keller." "Plaid." "What is that?" "When someone does an impression of me on the phone, they check it's me by that clue." "If I didn't know, he'd know it's not me." "Say no more." "I understand." "Now, listen, Bert." "Listen carefully." ""I have a gun..." ""at my head." ""If a man who identifies himself" ""as..." "".." "The King..." "The card's upside down." ""..is not allowed to be the first guest on..." "You got a blank card there." "Hold on, Bert." "I'm reading from a cue card." ""..tonight's show..." ""..you'll never...see me..." "Go back." ""..alive..." ""again."" "It's not grammatically correct, but I think you have the idea." "It's clear, but let me talk to you." "Don't do anything silly." "OK." "I'm OK." "I'm OK, Bert!" "Just get it done." "He wants you to call at five o'clock." "They'll do whatever you want." "OK." "That was very good, Jerry." "Turn around here." "Let's see how it looks." "Oh, I love it." "I'm sorry." "The sleeves aren't quite right." "Do you like it?" "..What do you think?" "I think it looks pretty good." "To guess on it, to have it turn out like this, I'm pleased." "I like to see him a little more casual for a change." "This is a look I like to see on him." "Less uptightness." "OK." "It's wonderful." "What do you think?" "It's very good." "Be honest with me." "I'm being honest." "Would you wear it?" "I like it." "I'm glad I went with red." "It looks good on him." "It looks good, Jerry." "Come on." "What?" "Take it off and let's go." "Oh, OK." "Fine." "You want me to take it off?" "Yeah." "Why can't he wear it for a while?" "Will you take it off, please?" "This is an emergency and I gotta talk to him." "Interrupt him or I'll come busting into that meeting." "No." "Forget calling me back." "I'm on my way." "Why didn't you just listen to the tape?" "It wasn't that hard, was it?" "A few minutes to listen to something I worked on my whole life." "If that's what's behind this, let's play the tape in my office." "I know what would happen." "I'm not stupid." "Nobody's calling you stupid." "You pulled this off." "So you're smart." "You know, I'm gonna tell you something." "Friendship is a two-way street." "Do you know that?" "You couldn't care less about me." "Do I have to hold this thing till next Shevuoth?" "Are you going to knock off the talking?" "When you put the sweater on him, did I bother you?" "You have a long night ahead." "You have to perform." "You're driving me nuts." "Can you be quiet for one goddamn minute and let me rest with this gun?" "You're driving me crazy!" "You have not shut up since we came here." "This is my house!" "My domain!" "Jerry is my guest!" "You are my guest!" "You're lucky to be here." "You can change and get your head together for the show." "Give me a little break!" "Shut up!" "I did give you a break." "You talked about that sweater." "Worrying over how it looks." "Did I say anything?" "I didn't make it for you." "It looks fabulous on Jerry." "Whose idea was this?" "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here." "Why not listen to the tape?" "Was that so hard to do?" "I'm sure you understand, doing the kind of show I do, it's mind-boggling." "There's so much stuff, you can't keep your head clear." "If that's the case, I'm wrong." "You're right, I'm wrong." "If I'm wrong, I apologise." "I'm just a human being." "With all of the foibles and all of the traps." "The pressure." "The groupies, the autograph hounds." "Those you think are your friends, but might not be there tomorrow because of their incompetence." "These wonderful pressures make every day radiant and glowing." "It's terrific(!" ")" "If all of that means nothing, if I'm wrong, in spite of all that, then I apologise." "I'm sorry." "If you accept my apology," "I think we should shake hands and forget the whole thing." "You two could be in deep trouble, but I will not press charges." "That's easy for you to SAY, Jerry." "But I mean it." "I'll go to the office and tell them all it's a gag." "They'll understand that." "They'll buy it." "Then we listen to the tape..." "Sit down!" "I said sit down!" "You heard what he said." "With a gun on him, he wants to be friends." "What happens when he walks out?" "What happens then?" "They'll jump you at his office." "Is that what happens, Jerry?" "Not if I tell them not to." "They won't jump you." "If I tell them to do something, they do it." "No-one's gonna jump you." "It's the truth." "You have to take my word for it." "If you think I'm not telling you the truth, then don't respond." "If you think I am, let me get the hell out." "He gives me his word." "And what else?" "And what else, Jerry?" "There is nothing else." "Just my word." "Isn't my word good enough?" "I'm sorry, Jerry." "Suppose we tape him, he does a talk, it gets to be 11:30, do we put him on, no matter what?" "Tape him." "It won't hurt anything, because you can erase it." "We may learn something from it and it will buy us time." "Under no circumstances will we put him on air." "This lunatic is threatening Jerry's life!" "Let me handle this." "We'll tape at seven." "We won't have to make a decision about putting him on the air till 11:30." "This gives us four hours to move in." "By that time we should have Mr Langford back safely." "Harry, that's it." "We're going to sue." "We'll sue everybody." " Who's this?" " Jerry's lawyer." "What do you mean, who am I?" "I'm the lawyer suing." "Jay." "Don't "Jay" me." "Do me a favour." "Jay, WHO are you going to sue?" "We're suing you personally!" "Who else?" "The FBI!" "Let's deal with the situation rationally." "Unless we talk politely, there will be serious consequences." "JAY:" "Kidnapping is not polite." "It is a very stupid offence." "How can you defend kidnapping?" "How can you say, "I'm crazy." "I didn't know what I was doing."" "Jay, who cares?" "Only an idiot kidnaps." "Who cares?" "Only idiots do what you will do." "Jerry, I'm gonna go now." "Pretty soon you'll be able to go." "About 12:00, 12:30, as I said." "Have a good time." "I know you will." "Bye." "We don't know if they are kidnappers or terrorists." "Terrorists?" "!" "What do you mean "terrorists"?" "This man may go on the air." "He delivers a coded message and 50 people lose their lives." "You're out of your mind!" " I'm not out of my mind." " That guy will be taped." "Don't trace the call." "I heard those sounds." "It's kind of important, so that we know that he's in - what'll I say?" " your care." "We've taken care of that by bringing an article of clothing you'll recognise." "It is not as easy as you think to walk in and go right on the show." "No, Bert..." "If I can call you..." "If I could just say, there is no problem." "It is clean material." "Do you know of something called Standards and Practices?" "All I can say is, don't have any press leaks." "You must keep the audience there till 11:45 or 12 o'clock, after it has been aired." "Thank you very much." "That's your problem." "Nice talking to you." "One..." "Boy, he's shrewd." "He just wouldn't buy anything." "I feel... completely impulsive tonight." "Anything could happen." "I've so much to tell you." "I don't know where to start." "I want to tell you everything about myself you don't know." "Do you like these glasses?" "SHE FLICKS CRYSTAL" "Crystal, beautiful." "I bought them just for you." "Something reminded me." "The simplicity." "But if you don't like them, if there's any doubt..." "GLASS SMASHES" "Sometimes I'll be doing the simplest things." "I'll be taking a bath and I'll say to myself," ""I wonder if Jerry's taking a bath right now."" "Then I just hope you're not drowning." "I get worried about you, like something terrible will happen." "I have daydreams that I'm at the golf course driving your cart." "Just driving around." "Need a putter, Jer?" "You know." "Need an iron?" "I don't know how to play golf." "I played with my parents once, my dad, but..." "I love you." "I've never told my parents that I love them." "They never told me they loved me either, which was fine with me." "But I love you." "Do you want some wine?" "No?" "OK." "I'm not in the mood to drink either, though." "But I'm sure in the mood to be alone with you." "Why don't we just clear off the table?" "We could go upstairs, but that's so predictable." "Let's take everything off the table and do it right here." "It'd blow your mind." "It'd blow MY mind." "I've never even had anybody over for dinner before, let alone made love on the table." "Somehow I just want to do that." "I just want to, like, dance." "I want to put on some Shirelles." "I want to be black." "Wouldn't that be insane?" "God." "You know, I wish I was..." "I wish I was Tina Turner." "Just dancing through the room." "Thank you." "Please have your tickets ready." "Good evening, officer." "I am Clarence McCabe, the writer." "Are these people with you, sir?" "Yes, this is my wife." "Her parents are the Salters from Ohio." "I'll check your name, sir." "I'm on third." "I'll check your name, sir." "I'm sorry." "I don't see your name, sir." "Wait a minute." "You went past the Ns." "I'll go back again for you, sir." "Let me just check." "This isn't possible." "Did Miss Long call you at all?" "No, sir, she didn't." "She didn't tell you about my book." "No, sir." "Not according to this list." "She said to present myself at 5:45." "It's now 5:50." "Strict orders tonight." "Only authorised personnel allowed in." "You never heard of the book?" "No, sir." "The Vanishing Siberian Tiger." "Can I call Miss Long?" "No, sir." "Not at all." "Can YOU call Miss Long?" "I can't help you, sir." "You are not on the list." "So I cannot let you in." "I'm gonna try to get her." "Stop him." "Miss Long?" "Come on." "Get him." "COMMOTION" "Come on!" "McCABE:" "Miss Long!" "What is this Clarence McCabe?" "That's who I am." "Is that your real name?" "Technically, it's my real name." "It's a pseudonym." "An alias." "Why do you use a pseudonym?" "I'm an author." "Author of what?" "I wrote The Vanishing Siberian Tiger." "I spent two years in Russia and two years in China researching it." "Does that make me a communist now?" "HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF" "Hello." "I'm the King." "What?" "The King." "What can I do for Your Highness?" "Really, I'm the King." "Yes, sir, your dressing room is backstage." "Your throne is in there also." "Very funny, yes." "Is there someone in charge?" "Mr Ding." "A little fellow with a couple of bells." "Miss Long." "Pipkin?" "No, it's Mr Pupkin." "How are you?" "What are you doing here, Mr..." "Pupkin?" "I'm the King." "I think you're expecting me." "Yeah." "Is Mr Thomas around?" "CATS MEOW SHRILLY" "# You're gonna love me" "# Like nobody's loved me" "# Come rain" "# Or come shine" "# Happy together" "# Unhappy together" "# And won't it be fine?" "# Days may be cloudy or sunny" "# We're in and we're out of the money" "# I'm with you always" "# I'm with you" "# Rain or shine #" "Mr King, I'm Inspector Garrity from the FBI." "Yes, sir." "What is your name?" "Rupert Pupkin." "What is your real name?" "That's my real name." "Well, Mr Pupkin, will you tell us where Jerry is or not?" "Are you from the show?" "No, I'm not in the show." "This is Agent Giardello and Captain Burke." "I'd like to meet someone from the show." "You get to see them when I get to see Langford." "I'd like to see someone from the show first." "Not unless you tell us where Langford is." "Then Jerry's dead." "Get Thomas." "I'm Bert Thomas." "Are you Mr King?" "Yes." "How do you do?" "Did we talk on the phone today?" "Yes, we spoke a few moments ago." "And Jerry spoke to you earlier." "Er, where did you get this?" "That's Jerry's, as you can see." "What's that?" "That's my blood, not Jerry's." "I'll buy this." "What have we here?" "It's my introduction." "Can Mr Randall say it word for word?" "It's introducing your monologue?" "Yes." "Could I have a copy of your monologue?" "I have it memorised." "So I don't have a copy of it." "There are reasons I need a copy." "You can't say anything obscene or upset the audience." "No, it's all right, really." "It's wholesome." "You guarantee that?" "I guarantee it." "OK." "Make sure they last till 11:30." "He'll get everything he needs." "It was nice meeting you." "Sit down, Pupkin." "Pupkin, I gotta tell you this." "From this point on, you have the right to remain silent." "Do you understand?" "Mm-hm." "Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law." "Say you understand." "I understand that." "Did you participate in the abduction of Jerry Langford?" "Yes, I did." "I abducted him." "You abducted him?" "Yes." "Do you know where he is right now?" "Yes, I do." "Will you lead us to him." "No, I won't." "Well, at this time, Mr Pupkin, I advise you to consider yourself under arrest." "Fine." "I think I should get made up." "He needs some make-up." "Put some colour in his face." "I could put some colour on your face." "Really, I should get made up." "MAN READS: "Sad news for you."" "Tony, did you want to see me?" "Have you seen this stuff?" "I think it's fine." ""My writing staff was executed by the network firing squad."" "You're laughing at that?" "It's good." "Why do I have to say this?" "Exactly as it's written." "It'll be good for you." "Trust me." "You're the director." "Can you help me?" "Take those tissues out and let's go." "Be sure to turn the cards fast." "Are you listening to me?" "OK." "Let's do something crazy tonight." "Just get insane!" "I want to be nuts!" "I want some fun!" "Godammit." "My doctor says, "Don't have fun!" ""You're not allowed to have a good time!"" "I like being in control." "But for one night I'd like to see myself out of my head!" "Wouldn't you?" "Wouldn't it be fabulous?" "I'm having a good time." "I'm having fun." "Fun is my middle name." "That's right." "Having some fun!" "I never had this much fun before." "That's right." "Good, old-fashioned, all-American fun!" "MC: 'And now, direct from New York, 'it's the Jerry Langford Show." "'With guest host Tony Randall." "'And his special guests," "'Shelley Winters, Gore Vidal, Tony Bennett." "'As always, Lou Brown and the orchestra.'" "And little old me, Ed Herlihy." "And now, say hello to..." "Tony!" "APPLAUSE" "WHISTLING" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "I have some sad news for you." "AUDIENCE:" "Aww!" "Earlier today my writing staff was executed by the network firing squad." "So there will be no Randall monologue this evening." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "No embarrassing display of emotion." "We'll do something a little different." "(A lot different if you ask me.)" "We'll give you a glimpse..." "(.." "Turn it over.)" "..into the future." "It's not often you have a sure thing in the entertainment business." "The verdict is in YOUR hands." "But after you've met..." "LAUGHTER" "..my first guest, you'll agree with me that he's destined for greatness!" "In one way or another." "Please give your warmest greetings to the newest King of Comedy " "Rupert Pupkin." "CHEERING" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce myself." "I am Rupert Pupkin." "I can't believe I'm gonna kiss you." "Masha." "Take the tape off." "Really?" "Come on." "Take it off." "APPLAUSE" "OK." "I'm ready now." "Take him back down." "With pleasure." "Why did you do this?" "Tell me why, then maybe I can believe in you." "Why do it?" "Do you know what time it is?" "Yes." "It's 10:55." "We'd better go." "Because otherwise, I don't like saying this, Jerry will be unavailable." "You'll understand when we go." "Why will I understand?" "Where are we going?" "Part of the bargain is I see it somewhere else." "What?" "That's my understanding." "I want to see it in this other place." "Once I see it, I'll give you Langford." "You don't understand my position." "I have you right now." "So I have a shot at Langford." "But you don't have Jerry." "I understand that." "I'll get it off as fast as I can." "That's good, Masha." "Yeah?" "Are you all right?" "I'm fine." "There you are." "Come on." "One more thing, please." "I can't walk in with you." "If you could wait here and let me walk in by myself." "I'll break your ankles if you make a wrong move." "No, I promise." "OK?" "Make believe you don't know me, too." "Go ahead." "Jerry, you seem a little bit..." "Jerry!" "Jerry, wait!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Jerry, come back here!" "Jerry!" "RITA:" "Oh, God." "What do you want now?" "MAN:" "What are you doing?" "I'm watching that." "It's almost over." "Just a minute." "MC: 'It's the Jerry Langford Show." "'With guest host Tony Randall." "'And his special guests...'" "What's going on here?" "Do you know him?" "Unfortunately, yes." "Sit tight." "Relax." "Everything will be OK." "'..my first guest." "'..he's destined for greatness." "'In one way or another." "'Please give your warmest greetings to the newest King of Comedy " "'Rupert Pupkin.'" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ON TV" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce myself." "I am Rupert Pupkin." "I was born in Clifton, New Jersey, which was not at that time a federal offence." "Is there anyone here from Clifton?" "Oh, good." "We can all relax now." "LAUGHTER" "I'd like to begin by saying that my parents were too poor to afford me a childhood." "But the fact is that no-one is allowed to be too poor in Clifton, because once you fall below a certain level, they exile you." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "But my parents did put the first two down payments on my childhood." "But they did also return me to the hospital as defective." "LAUGHTER" "But, like everyone else, I grew up in large part thanks to my mother." "If she were only here today," "I'd say, "Hey, Mom, what are you doing here?" "You're dead!"" "LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING" "But seriously, you should have seen my mom." "She was wonderful." "Blonde, beautiful, intelligent... alcoholic." "We used to drink milk together after school." "Mine was homogenised." "Hers was loaded." "They picked her up for speeding." "They clocked her doing 50." "In our garage!" "APPLAUSE" "When they tested her, they found her alcohol had 2% blood." "LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING" "WHOOPING" "Ah, but we used to joke together, Mom and me." "Until the tears would stroll down her face and she would throw up!" "Yeah." "And who would clean it up?" "Not Dad." "He was too busy at O'Grady's, throwing up on his own." "Yeah." "In fact, until I was 16, I thought throwing up was a sign of maturity." "While the other kids were sneaking cigarettes," "I hid behind the house with my fingers down my throat." "LAUGHTER" "The only problem was," "I never got anywhere." "Until one day my father caught me." "Just as he was giving me a final kick in the stomach for luck," "I managed to heave all over his new shoes." ""That's it," I thought." ""I've made it!" "I'm finally a man!"" "APPLAUSE" "WHISTLING" "WHOOPING" "But, as it turned out, I was wrong." "That was the only attention my father gave me." "AUDIENCE:" "Aww." "He was usually too busy in the park playing ball with my sister Rose." "But today, thanks to those many hours of practice, my sister Rose has grown into a fine man." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "WHISTLING AND WHOOPING" "I wasn't interested in athletics." "The only exercise I got was when the other kids picked on me." "They beat me up every Tuesday." "And then, the school worked it into the curriculum." "And if you knocked me out, you got extra credit." "Except this one poor kid was afraid of me." "I used to tell him, "Hit me!" "What's the matter with you?" ""Don't you want to graduate?"" "APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING" "I was the youngest kid in the the history of the school to graduate in traction." "But my only real interest, right from the beginning, was show business." "As a young man, I began at the very top, collecting autographs." "Now..." "A lot of you are probably wondering why Jerry isn't with us tonight." "The fact is, he's tied up." "And I'm the one who tied him." "I know you think I'm joking, but that's the only way I could break into show business." "By hijacking Jerry Langford." "Right now, Jerry is strapped to a chair somewhere in this city." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "WHISTLING AND WHOOPING" "Go ahead and laugh." "Thank you." "I appreciate it." "But the fact is, I'm here." "Tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding and you'll think I was crazy." "But better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime." "APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING" "APPLAUSE" "ORCHESTRA PLAY HIM OFF" "POLICE SIRENS" "MAN:" "How did you do that?" "Did you like it?" "Thank you." "I'll buy everyone a drink." "I hope you enjoyed the show." "..Rita, keep the change." "Come on." "Let's go." "Just because I made it big doesn't mean I'll forget you." "Come on, will you?" "I'll call you, as soon as..." "Come on." "What's happening here?" "That's the same guy who was on TV." "Just now, the same guy." "I'm just getting even." "Those jokes..." "those jokes were murder." "You didn't like those jokes?" "No." "No." "I'm looking for the guy that wrote your material." "I'd like to pick him up." "I wrote it." "You wrote that material?" "I think they were very good jokes." "If you wrote it, I've got one piece of advice for you." "Throw yourself on your knees in front of the judge and beg for mercy." "That's very funny, but you'll see." "NEWS: 'In a bizarre debut, self-styled comedian Rupert Pupkin appeared on The Jerry Langford Show.'" "NEWS: 'The name Rupert Pupkin is now a household word.'" "'We estimate his performance has been viewed by a record 87,000,000 households.'" "'The kidnapping King of Comedy was sentenced to six years in prison in Allenwood, Pennsylvania, 'for his part in the abduction of Jerry Langford.'" "'Explaining his appearance on the show," "'Rupert Pupkin told reporters he still considers Jerry his friend and mentor.'" "'He has been writing his memoirs, which have been purchased 'by a leading publishing house for over $1,000,000.'" "'Rupert Pupkin was released after serving two years and nine months." "'Hundreds were there to greet the 37-year-old." "'His agent announced that King For A Night, his best-selling autobiography, 'would become a motion picture.'" "'Pupkin said he had used his prison term to sharpen his material." "'He is looking forward to resuming his show business career.'" "MC: 'And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man we've all been waiting for." "'And waiting for." "ORCHESTRA INTRO" "'Would you welcome home, please, television's brightest new star, 'the legendary, inspirational, one-and-only King of Comedy 'ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Pupkin.'" "APPLAUSE" "CHEERING" "'Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin!" "'" "APPLAUSE" "'Wonderful." "Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen." "'Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen." "'Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin." "'Wonderful." "Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.'" "WHISTLING" "LAUGHTER" "MUSIC: "Wonderful Remark" by Van Morrison" "# How can you stand the silence" "# That pervades when we all cry?" "# How can you watch the violence" "# That erupts before your eyes?" "# How can you tell us something" "# Just to keep us hanging on?" "# Something that just don't mean nothing" "# When we see it, you are gone" "# Clinging to some other rainbow" "# I was standing, waiting in the cold" "# Telling us the same old story" "# Knowing time is growing old" "# That was a wonderful remark" "# I had my eyes closed in the dark" "# I sighed a million sighs" "# I told a million lies" "# To myself" "# To myself" "# How can we listen to you" "# When we know your talk is cheap?" "# How can we ever question" "# Why we give more and you keep?" "# How can your empty laughter" "# Fill a room like ours with joy?" "# When you're only playing with us like a child with a toy... #" "Subtitles by Paul Vane, ITFC, for BBC Subtitling - 2001" "E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk"