"Created by Nihilus" "We are often told that happily ever afters exists only in the pages of fairy tales." "And in the naive minds of sheltered innocents." "And yet on this bright sunny Boston afternoon, a talking teddybear is about to marry his girlfriend." "Proving two things." "Happy endings can come true for anyone and America doesnt give a shit about anything." "Do you Tami-Lynn McCafferty take this teddy bear" " to be your lawfully wedded husband?" " I do!" "And do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "Fucking right I do!" "Then by the power vested in me" "I now pronounce you husband and wife." "You may kiss the bear." "Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!" "Teddy this is the best day of my life!" " I just love you so much!" " I love you too Tammy!" "I'm gonna go 50 shades of bear on you tonight!" " Let's go get chippies." " Ok." "Thank you." " Hey, congratulations." " Oh!" "Hi guys." " Beautiful ceremony." " Oh thank you so much for being part of it." " Hey, this is my new boyfriend Rick." " How you doing?" "Good, good." "He is a gourmet chef." "So he knows how to toss a salad." "Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot." "Oh, are you guys getting married?" "No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together." " Fuck you." " Fuck you!" "Deal!" "Hey buddy." "Are you okay?" "You look a little down." "Are you still shaking of that hangover from the bachelor party?" " Oh!" "This is nice." " She's fucking begging for it!" "She's totally." "Yeah, get in there." "Look out, she want's it bad." "She want's more than just a fucking pizza delivery." "That's bigger than the average bear, I'll tell you that." "Hey, do you now what's fucked up?" "That is someone's fucking daughter!" "Oh Jesus, come on!" "No I'm fine." "I was just thinking about Lori." "Oh Johnny, come on, it's been six months since you guys got divorced." "I know!" "I know!" "It's just..." "Being back in that church again?" "Everything seemed to be so perfect." "Yeah well." "You're not the frst guy that marry the wrong girl." "Hey, big day huh bud?" "Do you guys want to celebrate with a little..." "No Thanks Sam!" "Tami-Lynn would kill me if I did drugs on our wedding day." "Ah, she wont notice." "I just did a line with a guy in the mensroom and I bet you can't even spot him." "Yeah, I'm gonna pass!" "This is the best day of my life!" "One year later ..." "I'm starving!" "What the hell are you doing over there?" "I'm carrying cancer!" "I'm cooking your fucking steak!" "What do you think I'm doing?" "What, I think you're doing?" "I think you're bleeding us dry." "Look at this, look at this!" "129 dollars at Filings Basement!" "What are you buying with that Tami?" "I need clothes for work alright Teddy!" "What do you mean?" "You wear a apron." " You're a fucking cashier!" " Yeah and so are you!" "Yes, exactly and I'm not going out buying designer shit." "No, no!" "You're just buying weed." "You're just buying drugs, you should fucking talk." "I was talking." "I was talking right now until you interupted me." "Well, I had to interupt you otherwise I wouldn't get a chance to say fucking anything." " Are you going to let me finish talking?" " You're just cutting me off!" " Are you going to let me finnish talking?" " You know what?" " I'm good at my work." "I'm trying to calimb corporate feds." " Nobody is in there to look at your ass." " You're acting like an asshole!" " What am I acting like?" "What am I acting like?" "Like an asshole!" "That's what you're acting like." "You dont have to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a jam in a plastic bag." "I am the face of the business, okay?" "The face of business?" "Jesus Christ!" " Listen to you, you're delusional!" " I should've married Robby Echico I really should've." "Fine!" "Fine!" "Go torture that asshole!" "He treated me good, and he had a dick!" "He had an awesome dick!" "News flash!" "Boston whore has seen Italian penis." "What the fuck did you just call me?" " Jesus fuckign christ?" "What the fuck?" " Are you gonna call me a whore?" "!" " You wanna throw shit?" " Yeah I wanna fucking throw shit." "There!" "See?" "How do you like that?" "Oh!" "I'm so scared." "I'm really scared of you, little fucking bear!" "Shut the fuck up!" "Oh for Christ's sake!" "You shut the fuck up!" "Why do not you come down and make me tough guy!" "Why don't you come up here and make me come down tough guy?" "I'm gonna come up there and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!" "I want you to try asshole!" "Get your ass up here and kick my ass!" " Shut the fuck up!" " Why do not you shut up?" "Fuck!" " Hey, I'm really sorry!" " Yes me too." " She's worse than us." " Yes, she is our enemy now." "You guys. at least they have tried marriage therapy?" "Oh God, yeah, it was a freaking disaster." "$ 250 and we did not learn a God damn thing." "250?" "That's ridiculous, doesn't the insurance cover that or something?" "No, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obama care on the internet, but I came back after five minutes, she was looking at black cocks." "Seems like everytime you go online you're two clicks away from black cocks." "Look, see?" "I googled Grand Canyon." "Here." "Look, it says did you mean black cocks." "I don't know man, I gotta do something or my marriage is going to collapse." "Here you go guys." "We're gonna be closing in a few." "I'm going to this after at my friends apartment if you wanna join?" "Thanks Allison, but I got an early date tomorrow." "Oh okey." "Well." "If you change your mind, here's the address." "I put my cell number there too." " Oh, my God!" "Are you fucking kidding me?" " What?" "What do you mean what?" "After hours?" "She totally wants to sleep with you!" "I'm not into it." "John, you've been saying that for a year and a half about every chick that has throwed herself at you." "But you gotta get back in the game man!" "No don't start this shit alright?" "Look, I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and got burned." " I'm not gonna make that mistake again." " Jesus Johnny." "You're not gonna marry Allison, you're just gonna bang her," " and maybe pee a little on her." " What?" "It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover." "Yeah, I gotta take a leak." "Sorry Allison, I tried." "It's okay I just wish he wasn't so God damn cute." "Yeah, hey, can I get a Jack Daniels with a splash of grape juice?" "Wish I could help you but we're closing." "One drink and I promise I won't tell anyone that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex." "What the fuck are doing?" "Get off me!" "Sorry!" "My mistake." "Here we go." "Thanks alot come again." " Hey." " Hello." "I'd like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal." " Yeah, box of Trix." " That's right." "I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children, is that correct?" "Well, I mean they say Trix is for kids in the commercials." " And is that enforced by law?" " Um not to my knowledge, no." "So if I purchases these Trix there'll be no trouble?" "No, no, you should be fine." "You do understand that I myself are not a child?" "I was able to sniff that out, yeah." "Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my appartment." "Umm yeah, you'll be okay." " And uh..." "I wont be followed?" " Ah no, thats..." "That's not in our budget here." "Hey, I wont forget what you have done for me here today." "I would prefer if you do." "Jesus Christ!" " You two still not talking?" " No." "Honest to God Joy, I don't know how to fix this." "I mean, how the hell do you take a broken marriage and make it work again?" "Well, I tell you one way." "You have yourself a baby." " A baby?" " Uhu!" "Look at that." " You see those white niggers over there?" " Yeah, what?" "Look at them." "They're so happy." "Because they got that little baby keeping them together." "If they didn't have that baby, they'd just be two sad ass white niggers" " Waiting for Downton Abby to come home." " Why, you said that twice." " Is that an actual phrase or..." " I'm telling you Ted, you'll better have a baby or your marriage is over, trust me." "Hey." " Go away Teddy." " Tami, listen, I just want to talk to you." " OK?" "Would you just listen for one second?" " Why?" " So you can give me shit about my clothes?" " No!" "Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?" "I'm sorry, I was an asshole and I didn't mean it." "You know whatever, Teddy." "Tami listen, I love you." "Okay, and I don't want to fight like we've been doing the past few months." "I don't know Teddy." "I mean, something got to change." "You know?" "Because I can't do this anymore." " It's too much!" " I know, I know." "And that's why .." "I want to have a baby." " You do?" " Yeah." "A baby?" "Like really?" "Yeah!" "I think if we got a kid to love, he'll teach us to how to love each other again." "Oh my God Teddy." " You better not be messing with me." " I swear to God, I'm not mesing with you!" " You'll make an awesome mom!" " Oh my God, are you kidding me?" " I would like kick so much ass at being a mom." " So what do you say, we all good?" " Yes!" "I love you, I love you so much!" " Oh baby!" "I love you too." " Let's make a baby." " Let's make a baby." "Okay are you ready?" "Here it comes!" "Okay, I'm ready." " I say we go to court." " Yes, let's go to court." "We are a bunch of assholes who take up a whole hallwaywithou conversation." "Hey you lawyer guys." "You don't know me and Johnny are watching you." "While we're high." " That was fucking magic." " It felt smooth." " That felt really smooth." " It's all in the pocket." "Hey, so uh..." " Listen, I got some big news to tell you." " Oh yeah, what's that?" "Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby." " Holy shit!" "You?" " Yeah!" "We talked about it today." "Dude, that's fucking awesome!" "Congratulations!" "Thank You." "Wait, wait, how do you guys...?" "Well, that's the thing." "We got to find a sperm donor and ..." "I'm wondering, what do you think Sam Jones would say if I asked him?" "You want to Flash Gordon to father of your child?" "Yeah, I mean do you think that would be weird?" "Like would he be freaked out if I...?" "No I think he'd be flattered plus the baby would be a fucking superhero." "Well that was the logic I arrived at aswell." "I say do it." "Alright I'll shoot him an e-mail right now and see if I can stop by tonight." " You'll come with me?" " Sure!" "Alright, great." "Shit, I can never get a signal in your apartment." " Can I use your laptop?" " Yes, go ahead." "Okay, thanks." " What the fuck?" " Holy shit!" "What's the matter?" "What happened?" " What's going on?" " There is so much porn!" "What thehell are you doing looking at my private shit?" "What are you talking about private shit Johnny, it was wide open." "There were literally thousands of files here!" " I've been meaning to clear some of that out." " Jesus Christ." "Look at the organisation here." "Clockwise rimjob, counter clockwise rimjob." "Yeah well, sometimes you want to see the tongue go the other way." "You sick fuck!" "Look at this!" "Chicks with dicks!" "?" "Oh, my God!" "I have a disease alright?" "I need help!" "There are no chicks with dicks Johnny!" "Only guys with tits!" "Well this is such a relief." "You have to help, I'm glad I finally got caught." "I wanted to be caught!" "Johnny you listen to me, this is a wake up call, okay?" "You gotta get back out there and meet somebody because you are spiraling out of control here." "Alright, alright, fine I will, just stop looking at that shit, please." "Johnny I mean it!" "Alright, the next chick you meet you will be back in the game." " Fine I got it..." "Done!" " Alright." "Now let's get rid of this." "What do you mean?" "Just delete files." "No, no." "That shit can always be recovered." "We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer." " Well, are you happy?" " No, the circuits can be reconstructed if someone worked at it." "We have to bury it in the harbour." "So basically that's it." "We need a sperm donor." "So what do you say?" "You would really be helping me and Tami out." " No can do my brother." " Why not?" "I did a lot of blow in the eighties and..." " My sperm count is a little low." " Well how low?" " One." " One?" "Yeah little fella having his own I am Legend in my nutsack." " Well, can we have that one?" " No!" "It's needed for protein if I ever get lost at sea." "Come on guys." "Are we done here?" "I gotta go." "That sister sister marathon ain't gonna watch itself." " I can not believe that son of a bitch." " That was really selfish of him." "I know." "And after I watched his pissed of shit movie like a 100 times." "God dammit!" "Oh Shit!" "Johnny, please just help me do this, okay?" "He's the only guy in the world whos sperm is even close to Flash Gordons" "Teddy, it's insane." "We can get in a lot of trouble." "Not if no one finds out." "Look, John, we sneak into his house, jerk him off in his sleep and sneak out with the sperm." "It'll be easy." "And think how awesome the baby will be!" "It would be a sweet ass fucking baby!" "Alright I'll help you but we gotta have a game plan." "Just calm down." "Yeah, I can help you?" "Hey." "You're Tom Brady?" " Yeah." " Your neighbours called and your airconditioner makes alot of noice so I'm supposed to check out the unit." " Oh okay, yeah it's around the back." " Okay, I just need ... a signature, in case I gotta get some parts for the building." "If you could just write that to John and Ted with number twelve." "And you're not a cheater." "I think your balls are perfect." "It's around the back." "Stupid fucking idiot!" "Okay, go, go, go!" "Take the damn raingear off, you're making to much noise." "Piss off!" "I don't wanna get any jizz on me." "Two league mvps, four super bowl rings." "Guaranteed hall of fame." "Now let's give him a hand job in thes red solo cup." " Alright, go ahead." " What do you mean go ahead?" "You gotta do it." "What are you talking about?" "You're the one who needs sperm." "Yes, but there got to be a human hand, it gotta be skin to skin, otherwise it doesn't work." " No it doesn't, it's just friction" " Look, I've never done this before." " Well neither have I!" " You do it to yourself!" " It's different!" " You're an adult with a poster of this fucking yuy in your room and you tell me you dont want this?" "Yeah I want it." "But I'm nervous." "What if he doesnt like the way I'm doing it?" "If I want to." "But I'm nervous What will happen if you see what I'm doing to him?" "Please hold yourself together!" "He'll love it!" "Go, go, go." "Sweet God and baby Jesus" " And that's in rest." " What the hell?" "Mr Brady, we just need a moment of your time." "What are you doing here?" "Who are you?" "Get out of my house!" "Wait, Mr. Brady." "Take your God damn teddy bear with you!" "Holy shit!" "I hurt my spinal!" "Come on, lets get out of here." "What the hell do we do now?" " Ted let me ask you something." " What's that?" " Why didn't you just come to me?" " What are you talking about?" "For the sperm." "Johnny, you kidding me?" "You're the first person I wanted to go." "But you've just been so bumped down with your divorce lately, that I just..." "You know, I didn't want to put you in an awkward position." "Plus, after seeing your laptop I didn't think you had any left." " Just so you know, I'm totally willing to do it." " Really?" " You'd do that for me?" " What?" "Ted, you're my best friend." "I'd do anythng for you." "Besides, we just broke into Tom Bradys house and tried to jerk him off." "You are ready to be a parent." "God!" "I do not know what to say." "Jonhy thank you!" "Thank you so much." "Hey, thunder buddys for life, remember?" " Thunder buddys for life." " Come on, we gotta get out of here before the cops show up." "All units, we have a 317 on Maple Drive." "Area units please respond." "What is a 317?" "Someone tried to steal Tom Bradys jizz again." "What is that?" "What are you doing?" " I'm getting ready, dude." " What do you mean getting ready?" " What are you doing with your hand?" " I'm doing this for you, I'm getting ready ..." " You got your hand on your dick what are you doing?" " I'm trying to get it half hard so when I get in ther I can just bust it out." "Sitting out here in public and jerking off." "Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?" "What are you doing?" " What do you think I'm gonna do in there?" " Forget it." "You have not smoked pot for two whole days right?" "Yes I told you I'm clean, alright?" "Your baby is gonna be fine." "Alright I'm sorry." "I just don't want something I gotta feed with a pitchfork when he's sixteen." " John Bennet?" " Hi." "Right this way." "I'll show where to deposit your specimen." "Hey Johnny!" " I'm John Bennet." " I know, I just said your name." "Alright, yeah." "Sorry I'm a little nervous." "I've been out of the game for a while." " The game?" " Well, I do not talk to pretty girls that often." " Pretty women, ladies." " I see." "Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink?" "I do not ..." "I don't not mean this." "Like a regular drink." "I have a boyfriend." "Yeah, okay." "Too bad, you miss another great guy." "Do I just spit in my hand or do I get a lobo or something or a magazine?" " In video I like asian teens." " There is stuff right there." "Alright thanks.." "Excuse me, where's your non jerking off bathroom?" " Down that hallway to the left." " Okay, thanks." "Oh no way." "Oh hey doc." "Is this where you guys store all your stuff?" "Is the intermediate station, before insemination." "Are you.." "My friend is janking out a sample in one of those rooms." " It is a good friend." " Yeah." " I'm doctor Danzer." " Oh cool." "Hold me closer doctor Danzer." "Yeah whatever, I don't know." "Wait now, you look familiar." "Are you that teddy bear" " who came to life?" " I am, that's me, yeah." "I was trying to figure out where I had seen you before and that's it." "Good eye, good eye." "So how did you get in to this line of work?" "Do you just love cum?" "Not especially." "But I love helping good people fulfill their dreams of having children." "It's amazing what we can do here." "You wanna, you wanna have a look?" "Yeah sure." "This is where we perform our pre implantation genetic diagnoses." "We can eliminate hereditary diseases such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophies, cycocel anemia." " The list goes on and on really." " Wow." " Hey Johnny you did it!" " Right here buddy." "Euw!" "I mean, awesome!" "Excuse me, doctor, your wife is on the phone." "She says it's an emergency." "Excuse me, I'll be right back." "Do you want to see it huh?" "Want to see your kid?" "I can see it from here." "Thanks, yes." " Take a closer, it's your kid." " No, no, no it's close enough." " Catch!" " Oh shit!" " Oh God!" " That's somebodys fucking kid." "It was not my fault, you were supposed to catch it.." " We gotta find something to scope it up." " There's containers over there." "Let's go for the plate." "Alright, that's not gonna work, you need two of them to scope one into the other." " Of fuck!" " Oh, my fucking God!" "Fuck!" " Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth!" " Hang on!" " I gotta post this on facebook." " No!" "Hashtag, grrr mondays." " Oh, my God!" " Look I'm so sorry!" "We're so sorry." "Well I guess it's alright." "Those are the rejected cycocell samples." "You hear that Johnny?" "You are covered in rejected black guys sperm." " You look like a Kardashian." " Fuck." "No, make sure you have all the updated information about our comic con placement." "This has to be the biggest, most impressive roll out of the convention." "Good morning, mr." "Jessup." "Good morning." "My name is Donnie." " Hi, Donnie" " Hi." "This is a multiplatform release." "So I want a full report." "Fresh cakes." " What?" " In the urinal sir." "I notice you always use urinal force so I put fresh cakes in there for you" "You are an important man, you should never have to smell pee." "See, most people flip the cakes." "I replae the cakes." "That's the difference Donnie." "I need a full report on all the placements of all our merchandise." "I'm afraid I have bad news." "I won't be able to perform the implantation procedure." " Wait what?" " Why not?" "According to your test results you are no longer fertile." " What?" " Wait, doctor. are you sure about that?" " Maybe you should check again." " I'm quite sure." "Tami-Lynn, because of your history of excessive drug use your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised." " What are you talking about?" "It looks fine." " Yeah!" "Forgive me, that's a normal ovary." "This is Tami-Lynns." " Jesus!" " Yes, but I bet this stuff happens alot." "I mean, you probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right?" "No." "Not once." "Not ever." "When I saw this I threw up." "I almost quite medicine." "Bottom line is insemination isn't possible." "I don't understand." "None of this makes any sense." "It's OK darling." "Come on, let's just go." "What does it mean?" "Does this mean we can't have a baby?" "I do not know but it's gonna be okay." "Everything is gonna be okay." "It really isn't." "Well, I've gone through your application and vetted your personal history and I'm afraid this isn't going to work out." " What?" " Why not?" "Well, first of all there is a question of Tami-Lynns drug conviction." "Hey, I did my community service." "Yeah, and besides, that was five years ago." "She's clean." "There's another issue and honestly it's the more serious one." "I was reluctant to bring it up because..." "It is a little awkward." "Ted, in the eyes of the state you are not a person." "Wait, what?" "The state official I spoke to said that technically you are classified as property." "I'm not a person?" "Not according to the government." "I'm sorry." "But that is so fucked up!" " Property?" " You know that Teddy, let's get out of here." "Come on." "Look." "You seem like good people." "Be careful." "What do you mean be careful?" "The state official I spoke to made it sound like your status has gone under the radar for some time." "Your adoption request may have raised some red flags." "If they choose to investigate the issue it may leave you quite vulnerable." "Hey, I just got of work and heard your message." "Is that for real?" "Did they actually tell you that?" "Yeah, it's unbelievable." "They say I'm property." "What does that even mean?" "That you are a thing?" "Like garbage or a piece of shit?" "Well, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah." "What the hell do they know?" "It's just a word." "Do not" "They can't change a life just by calling it property." "Bullshit!" "Better ask my ancestors." "One minute you're in Africa washing your clothes in the river with titties out, you're good." "Then all of the sudden, you somewhere across the world fucking Thomas Jefferson." "Wow, you make history come alive." "Why the hell is this comming up now?" "Well, I've never voted, I don't have a drivers licence, I don't pay taxes." "Hell, this is the first job I ever had." "Ted." "Can I see you for a moment?" "I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go." "What?" "Why?" "I've been busting my ass of on this job for three years." "I just got a call from the labour department." "I can't legally keep you as an emplyee because I've been informed that you're technically" "Technically not a person." "Yeah, Jesus Christ!" "I'm sorry but as of today you're fired." "Dear Ted, your Chase bank account has been terminated due to lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Chinoawards member." "Fuck, that's a big one." "This poor baby booty." "It's always gonna be empty." "There's never gonna be a little foot in here." "I don't understand." "We would've made such great parents." "Oh my God!" " Oh my God, Teddy." " Woo, woo what's wrong?" "Look at this." "Dear Ted, the state of Masachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state and therefore invalid and hereby annulled." " Teddy, can they do this to us?" " Let me see that." "This is a nightmare!" " You fucking believe that?" " No, this is insane." "Tami is the woman I love." "I would never even have tried to adopt a dog If I had known that it was gonna cause" " me this kind of shitstorm." " This whole thing is comple bullshit." "If you ask me we gotta fight it." " What do you mean?" " I mean we get a lawyer." " Oh my God, can we do that?" " Hell yeah!" "You know what we do?" "We get a lawyer and sue the fucking government for your civil rights." "Johnny, that's a great idea." "Maybe we can get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers, who get shot in the head and turns around all retired and says "What we're doing is wrong"." "Yes." "We go out there and stick it to them good!" "We take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to." "But we do not know any lawyer." "All our friends make sandwishes." "We just google Boston lawyers." "Jesus, look at that black cock." "This is a very complicated case you have here." "Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles." "Well everybody says you're the best in town." "Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap." "What is your financial situation?" "All of our holdings are tied up in the railroad." "Yeah, Raiding Railroad, B.O Railroad, Pennsylvanian Railroad." "We're working on short line, I own atlantic avenue." "And I have 4 houses on Baltic Ave." "I'm thinking about just tear them down and build a hotel." "I won second prize at a beauty contest, thats $50 right there." "Are you guys just saying monolpoy stuff?" "I'm gonna drive around the block and I'll be back with $200." "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do." "My niece has just passed the bar exam, and I hired her on as junior associate here with the firm." "I can assign her to your case pro-bono." "Then you would get a hungry young attorney and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return." "So what do you say to that?" "Yeah, sure, it sounds great." "Are those high candies just to take?" "Those arn't supposed to be out." "Hello?" "Fuck!" " Hi." " Are you okay?" "Yeah, Im fine." "You must be Ted." " Yes, I'm Ted, this is my buddy John." " Hi!" "My uncle says that you guys are my first clients." "Well yeah, it's been discussed but, uh..." " Do you mind if I ask how old you are?" " I'm 26 years." "What, is that a problem?" "I just dont want my lawyer singing frozen songs during an open argument." "This is just a really important case." "Ted has already lost his job and his marriage has been annulled." "I know." "My uncle gave me all the details." "Right, you see, the thing is we dont wanna take any chances because the stakes are so significant." "We can't just rush into anything." "We gotta make sure we do the right decision." "We really appreciate your time, but I think what we're probably gonna do is just... take a seat and get to work." " We trust you completely." " Yeah we really feel you got a lot to offer." "Sorry." "You dont mind the pot do you?" "I get migraines." "Yeah absolutely, me to." "I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes." "Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson." " Ted, How are you?" " Good to meet you, John." " Wait, what is your middle name?" " Leslie." "Oh my God!" "So you are Sam L Jackson?" "That's fucking great, just like Samuel L Jackson!" " Who is that?" " Have you seen any a movie ever?" "He's the black guy." "The weed is really good." "It reminds me of the train I smoked last summer called here comes autism" "Yeah I was just gonna say it's sorta like this other badge we had called how long has that van been there?" "No it's a new stream that my dealer gave me called help me get home." "I am surprised that a lawyer like you gets high." "Are not you supposed to be fighting the war against drugs and all that shit?" "Please, the war on drugs is a joke." "It's just a way for the government to inflate lawenforcement budgets and lock up minorities for no good reason." "And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority." "Yeah, no shit." "They deny you the same rights as everybody else just because you're different." "And I say that's a violation of the constitution." "So what do you say?" "Can you get me my life back?" "I'm gonna try." "Guys, I'm having some troubles over here." "What's the matter?" "Can you help me get home?" " I'm having a real hard time!" " It's okay, buddy." "You are right." " I'm scared!" " It's okay, it's okay." "You just have to hang on to the wall." "Someone is going to get me!" "How far away do you live?" "About a mile and a half." "Hey, it's okey." "Alright, I got Dred Scott vs Sandford, Plessy vs Ferguson and Brown vs board of education" "I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs Predator, and Freddy vs Jason." "I got the Ernest goes to camp, Ernest goes to jail and..." "The importance of being Earnest, which was very disappointing." "Okay, I'll ask you some test questions, are you ready?" "Yep, bring it on." "You're on the stand, the D.A says:" "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?" " Objection." " Sustained." "No, the witness can't object." " Overruled?" "Guilty, so it is." " Speculation." "List of payments." "Come here." "Briefcase." "My chambers." " Stop beaver on the witness." " I rest." "We can totally be lawyers." "Your name is Toby." "You're going to learn to say your name." "Let me hear you say it." "What's your name?" "Kunta." "Kunta Kinte." "It's just like me." "That's exctly what I'm going through." "Well, it"s a little different." "You know Ted, if you legally becomes a person, you're gonna need a name last name." "Oh yeah you're right." "Okay..." "I got one." "Okay what is it?" "Clubberlang." "Who is Clubberlang?" " Who is Clubberlang?" " The character of Mr. T, in Rocky 3." "Is that from boxing movies?" "The boxing movies?" "You've never seen Rocky?" "You've never seen Rocky?" "You know ..." "You know, Rocky!" "I'm not gonna remember a movie I havn't seen just because you're singing a song I don't know." "You do not know Samuel L. Jackson." "You don't know Rocky.." "You are literally pop culture." "I have a college degree, my popcultur references are Hamlet and Achilles and Dorian Gray." "Never heard of any of them?" "No, but I'm pretty sure Mister T could kick their ass." " Yeah, you really need to be educated." " Oh really?" "Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?" " Judy Vaughn?" " Hitler?" "F. Scott Fitzgerald." "Who's that?" "The author." " Why are you saying fuck him?" " What?" "You just said F Scott Fitzgerald, what did Scott Fizgerald ever do to you?" "No, that's his first name." "." "His name is Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?" " What?" "No!" " Then what does the F stands for?" " Francis!" " No, it gotta be fuck." " It must be." "Why the hell would it be Fuck?" " Because otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?" " Yeah, he is hiding something." "It's Fuck." " Read between the lines." " It's fucked." "This is completely insane." "You guys are idiots." "Yeah, well, whatever." "Ted Cubberlang, get used to it." "Yes?" "Sir?" "One of the janitors would like to see you." "I'm busy." "Fresh cakes." "What is it Danny?" " Donny sir." " Well Donny, I'm extremely busy with the comic con presentation" "I'm told you have an open door policy here at Hasbro for new toy ideas from any and all employees." "Yeah, I suppose that's true." "Alright, come in." "Okay." "Thank you, I love your dress." "Mr. Jessup I make this company a billion dollars." "I'm listening... 30 years ago a little boy named John Bennett made a wish that his teddy bear would come to life." " Somehow, one of our Hasbro..." " Yes, I know the story." "Have you seen this?" "So what?" "Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights." "If he loses, the state will officially declare him a non entity with no rights under the law." "That means he becomes property." "Mr Jessup." "We can take him back with only a trivial degree of legal consequenses, if we were even caught." "And why would we do this?" "Sir, if we can cut him open to see what makes him tick we can manufacture millions of Teds for every child in the world." "Hasbro will double it's profits over night." "Go on." "We just have to make sure that Ted loses the case." "You use every back channel, every bribe, you call in every favour and you get the best lawyer in the world on defence." "When Teds rights are officially nulled, we grab him!" "No one's gonna kick up a legal fuss over property." " You are hell of a lot smarter than your urinal case Danny." " Really?" " Now what exactly do you want from this?" " Mr Jessup, I'm not interested in money." "I just want a Ted of my very own." "Alright." "I think I can handle the defense." "But let's make one thing clear." "We never had this conversation." "Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him." " Do you understand?" " Yes I do." "I need shep wild." "That was such a good dinner." "I've never had pringles on my steak before." "It's my pleasure." "Imean, it's the least I can do with all you do for us, really." "Well I havn't done anything yet." "We wanted to take you out to dinner, but .." "we only got Tamis income now since no one will hire me." "Things are getting really tight huh?" "Yeah, i've had to do things I'm not proud of." "Bj:s here, hot bj:s just $3." "Bj:s here." "Hey listen, I got an idea." "Tami, what do you say me and you go and do the dishes?" "And give Sam and Diane here some alone time?" "Alright, alright." "Hey you pulled that bed back bitch." "What do you think that was about?" "It's nothing." "It's his way of saying that I should ask you out." " Look ..." " We should propbably focus our attention to the case." "I completely agree." "You know, I am a little bit curious." "How is it that a guy like you isn't attached?" "Well, I was married." "It just didn't work out." " Shit, I'm sorry." "That sucks." " No." "We made it work day by day but she was just trying to change me into something I'm not." "And I tried, you know." "I tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted." "One day I woke up and just realized I wasn't myself anymore." "You know, as much as I loved this person, we were completely wrong for eachother." "At least you figured it out early." "Some people tgo through their whole lives trying to make it work with the wrong person." "So...are we gonna win this thing?" "Honestly, I don't know." "We're betting on you." "Johnny, come on, it's almost seven o'clock." "We gotta get up there." "Hey Sam, do you want in on this?" " What is it?" " Oh on Tuesday night we get fucked up and threw apples at joggers." "Oh, there's one." " Hey!" "How's the workout?" " Fuck you!" " What the hell is your problem?" " Take an apple." "You sons of bitches." " That's the lottery, that's the lottery!" " That's what you get for fucking exercising." "Teddy?" " Teddy, I'm scared." " Baby, we're gonna be fine." "I don't care what any fucking piece of paper says, you are my wife." "I love you so much!" "And I swear to God that if we lose I'm gonna fucking cut that judge." "Wait a minute, did you brought your switchblade?" " Yeah." " But they padded os down on the way in." "Where did you even hide it?" "Hey Sam!" "Who's that butthole over there?" "That's why we have been working so hard." "That's Shep Wild." "It's our bad luck they put him on the trial." "He's never lost a case in his life." "Mr. Wild, your opening statement if you will please." "Thank you your honor." "I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury for taking time from their busy schedules, to be a part of this proceding." "Now, the case we're examining today really is quite a simple one." "Is Ted a human being?" "Or a piece of property?" "You know?" "It really is a very special, very unique thing to be human." "It is a gift from God, bestowed upon only one species..." "Us." "But if we suddenly decide to share that gift, where does that lead us?" "Does your dog deserve human rights?" "Your cat?" "Your toaster?" "Suddenly being human doesn't seem so special anymore, does it?" "I'm confident you'll make the right decision." "Thank you Mr. Wild, for your opening statement." "Miss Jackson ..." "Hi!" "I'm Samantha Jackson, and I gotta be honest with you." "I'm a little nervous ..." "Why am I nervous?" "Well not because I'm a junior atterny arguing her first case." "And not because some of you might laugh at the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear." "No, I'm nervous because of one simple word." "Justice." "I'm nervous that you're going to be swaved by smooth talk and a haircut and forget about the most important aspect to this case." "Justice!" "150 years ago, a slave by the name Dred Scott sued to prove he was a person and not a piece of property" "He lost." "And as history has shown us, that wasn't justice." "In every civil rights conflict we are only able to recognize the just point of view years after the facts." "And when the next conflict comes along, we are once again blind to it as it's happening." "Well, this is different, but it isn't." "It's the same beast with different face, cand it's happening again today." "So I urge you ladies and gentlemen of the jury to not be a foot note on the wrong side of history." "Don't wait to long to be right." "Thank You." " Erection." " Sustained." "Miss McCafferty, you and Ted recently considered adopting a child, is that correct?" "Yeah." "And if I may inquire, why did you not choose to have a child of your own?" "Cause Teddy aint got no dick." "And why does Ted not posess a..." "Male appendix?" "Is it a freak of genetics?" "No asshole, he aint got a dick cause he's a fucking toy." "So what's your excuse?" "Take a burn!" "Yeah how does your tongue taste in your own ass Poindexter." "Yes!" "What?" "Order!" "Mr Bennet?" "How would you categorize your relationship with Ted?" "He's my best friend!" " So you don't see him as your property?" " He's not my property." "He's a person." "He's way more person than alot of other people." "I mean, fucking Steven Tayla?" "What the fuck is that?" "Some kind of weird soccermom looking goonie monster?" " Your honor!" " I'll allow it." "Thank you, Your Honor." "Your witness." "Mr Bennet?" "When and where did you first encounter Ted?" "What do you mean?" "My parents got him for me when I was a kid." "Aha, they got him." "Where did they get him?" "From a toy store." "Im sorry, I couldn't here that." "Can you repeat?" " From a toy store." "You fucking heard me!" "There's no need for hostility, Mr. Bennet." "Why?" "Nobody here likes you?" "I saw you eat lunch alone." "You're a loser!" "Your honor?" " Mr Bennett!" " I hope that your kids get bird flu." " Mr. Benett!" " I'm sorry!" "Now, you said your parents purchased Ted." "As one might purchase a baseboll glove or a big wheel." " It's not like that!" " Objection!" " You can't do that." " You know what?" "This is bullshit!" "This guy is telling me I'm not as good as other people." "And that's exactly what you've been doing to the fags." " Ted!" " Sorry, the homos." "This is exactly what he has been doing with homos, and I say that is wrong!" "Miss Jackson, please control your client or i'll hold you both contempt of court." "Piss off." "I'm standing up for myself, and I'm standing up for the homos, we deserve respect." " Ted, shut up!" " Fine." "Your honor, I would like to call Ted Clubberlang to the stand." "Yes!" "My turn assholes." " Ted, do you love your wife?" " Objection!" " She's not his wife." "The marriage was anulled." " I rephrase." "Do you love Tami-Lynn?" "I love my wife." "Okay my wife!" "more than anything in the world." "We're married, I do not care what anyone says." "So you're saying you are capable of feeling love?" "Yeah." "Hey, it must be weird for you guys to have a doll up here in the stand with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him." "Um no yeah, I am capable of love and other stuff." "Ted?" "Do you believe you have a soul?" "What did you think," "I would do at this moment when you're still before me with tears in your eyes." " Does that answer your question?" " Objection, Your Honor." "Overruled." "What it is man." " Ted?" " Right, sorry." "Look, I'm not a scientist." "Okay?" "I don't know exactly what makes a person a person" "All I know is I feel stuff." "Just like all you guys, and I don't think I want to be trated any different." "Capable of love." "Aware of his own consciousness." "It seems pretty human to me." "No further questions." "Mr Kidder, you were an employee at Hasbro for 1976 to 1998, is that correct?" "Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears." " And what is that stuffing made off?" " Synthetic cotton, poly blend." " Is there anything else in there?" " The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest." "Wich can be programmed" "To say anyone of five phrases." "Ted..." "Would you please press your chest?" "What?" "Please follow the instructions, Mr. Clubberlang." "I love you!" "No further questions." "Also on the news, a petty court case is beginning to get national attention for it's civil rights ramification." "Ted the bear, who some of you may remember, came to life back in the mid eighties right here in Boston, is suing to prove he is indeed a person." "Well, so...what are we even talking about here?" "What we are talking about is a civil rights issue." " This bear has rights." " Oh, please, it's a toy." "Then why are you calling it a he?" "Look, we call it the Statue of Liberty a she but we all know it's an object made of copper and steel." "Yes, but she isn't consciouss or sentient, he is." "Come on, are you really going to sit there and tell me that this stuffed doll is a person?" " Not at all." "We all agree, all the time." "I do not think he should want to be considered a person," "After all, Ted spent many years sleeping and cuddling with a child." "That's cute when you're a stuffed animal, if you're a person it's a felony." "Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense?" "I am not an animal!" "You see your honor?" "He is not an animal." "I'm sorry, Your Honor, I'm on my period." "And live from New York with "Saturday Night"!" " What is taking them so long?" " IIs it bad that they're taking this long?" "It's not good nor bad, it just means they're probably having a debate." "Johny, you know it's time to play the Beetlejuice card." " What do you mean?" " I mean, say his name three times.." " What?" " Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice" "Shut up." "Are you fucking crazy?" "We don't want that guy running around in here." "No Johnny, he'll be on our side." "He'll help us." " Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice." " Hey, you're meddling with powers you don't understand." "Cut the shit." "Please be seating." "Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict?" "Yes we have Your Honor." "In the case of Ted vs the common wealth of Massachusetts" "We the jury, find for the common wealth that Ted is not a person." "Very well!" "The defendant here is hereby legally deemed property." "The definition entails the rights there of and I will be recognized in the terms set by the state of Massachusetts." "The court wishes to thank the jury for it's service." "Are you sure you can get him?" "Remember." "You're on your own out there." "Hasbro can have no connection to this." "I'll get him." "And when I have him I'll call you with the code phrase." " Do you remember what it is?" " Yes, I remember." " Can you say it, just for safety?" " That's not ..." " Say it." " I will not!" " Say it." " Do I have to." " Say it!" " Fresh cakes." "Fresh cakes." "This isn't fucking fair." "Ted is a good man." "Why is he being treated differently than everybody else?" "It's what this country does best." "Putting different people in little groups and make them watch Tyler Perry." "That's wrong!" " I'm so sorry, baby." " No, I'm sorry, I thought" "I'd built a better case." "It's just that the reality that you have a really shitty lawyer." "Hey, come on." "No one is blaming you, at least you did everything you could." "I'm just sitting here and ..." " I can not believe it's official." " So what are we gonna do know?" "We can't take this and lie down." "We gotta do something." "You know what we're gonna do?" "We'ew gonna call Patrick Meighan." " Who is that?" " He's the top civil rights attorney in America." "Wait, tis he the one that got that female midget into the marines?" "Yes, that had a sad ending though." "You remember she was in a veteran state parade when someone handed her a bunch of ballons, pffft gone." " That's verery sad, very sad for the family." " If anyone can get this verdict overturned it's him." "He's not cheap but we have become such a high profile case I feel like he might take the case pro bono." "He's a sucker for media." " Hey Johnny, how about a beer?" " Yeah, it's a good idea." "Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan." "This is Samantha Jackson." "I'm defending Ted Clubberlang in Ted vs Massachusetts." "Hi, Mr. Meighan, thank you so much for taking my call." "Oh, you have been following the case?" "That's great." "Yes, that's actually why I'm calling." "Yeah, I was wondering if maybe you could consider helping us try to overturn the verdict." "Well, yeah, I mean, it would have to be a pro bono situation because we're really not working with much money, but I think you will be impressed with my client." " Aha mother fucker!" " Sure!" "Yeah, great." "Okay, thank you so much." "Okay, I'll see you then." "Bye." "Oh my God." "He said he'll meet with us on friday at 9:am at his office in New York." " Is he gonna take the case?" " I don't wanna jinx it but I think so." "Oh my God, did you hear that Johny?" " I still got a shot!" " Oh my God, we gotta celebrate!" " Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" " Let's go down to the improve" " And yell out suggestions?" " Fuck yeah!" "So first we need a historical event." " Who's got an event?" " 9/11!" "Okay, okay..maybe something else." "Let's start with a person." " Robbie Williams!" " Okay, alright, for real guys." " Seriously, who's got a person?" " Robbie Williams or 9/11" "Alright we heard from these guys." "Lets give someone over her a chance." "How about a location?" "Come up with a location." " The offices of Callie Hepto." " Seriously sir, I just need a location." "Ferguson in Missouri." " Germanwings cocktail." " Okay, I heard Starbucks!" " No you did not." " Nobody said Starbucks!" " Who is in the Starbucks?" " Bill Cosby!" "You people are monsters!" "We are giving you the tools buddy." "Make some fucking comedy." "Alrigh, we'll be back tomorrow afternoon." "I love you so much Teddy." "You go kick some ass, because I am not taking of this wedding ring." "I love you too baby, I'll see you soon." "Hey Sam why do you have a double bag that says Arizona state?" " Because that's where I went to school." " You went to Arizona state?" " Yeah, why?" " Oh man, that's why we lost the case." " I know." " You're dicks." "Arizona state." "How many times have you been fucked on a house ball?" " Oh, come on!" " Did you write your dissertation about the collective work of Red Bull?" " Yes, I did, I got an A." " So you say Arizona State University or do you just say HPPU?" "This is perfect." "We're gonna get to the city before 10." " Hey Sam, how's your boring salad?" " Oh, it's actually delicious." "Everybody always say that about their salads, all a bunch of fucking liers." " No, I loveit, it's really good." " Have some cookie crisps." " You need something nutritional." " Why do you think I want your cookie crisp?" " Because you've been staring at it." " No!" "Hey, what's the deal here?" "Are you guys ever gonna make out or what?" " Teddy, come on dude." " No, I'm just saying." "You look like you're hitting it off you know." "I mean, Sam, you dig him right?" "Hey, where the hell is my coffee?" "I've been waiting for ten minutes!" "I'm so sorry sir, I forget." "I'll get it right away." "Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not building rockets, figure it out!" "What a prick." "Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a cookie crisp in his ass crack." "Wait, let me try." "I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona state." "Was that the mascot with a broken condom?" "Shut up." "Who did that?" "Oh, Jesus Christ, you gotta be kidding me." " Now we are assholes for what you did." " I swear to God I'll kickyour damn ass." "Who was it?" "Um sir, I apologize for my 5 year old son." "I'm sorry for the cookie crisp in your bum bum." "Well, under the circumstances, I guess it's okay." "Oh my god, now we're even bigger assholes." "Go get my cookie crisp out of his ass." "Are you guys making trouble over here?" "No mam, we're just minding our own business." "Well try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah?" "Oh, he's not my boyfriend." "Ah good." " I would just like the check, thanks." " Of course." "Oh my God." "Did you see that?" "She was totally giving you the "Fuck me" eyes." " No, she wasn't." " She was giving you the "Fuck me" eyes." " What are the "Fuck me" eyes?" " Some women just have the "Fuck me" eyes." " Do I have "Fuck me" eyes?" "" " No you have the "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes." "We'd better get going." "We got two hours of driving left and I'm kinda beat." "Yes, we have to be well rested for tomorrow." "Well, I'll drive, you can take a nap." " You do not have a license." " Who cares?" "Johnny lets me drive once in a while.." "Johnny lets me drive once in a while, always two-handed, I'm a fucking pro." "Besides, I've been kicked around alot this week" " I just want to feel useful, you know." " 20 minutes behind the wheel." " What the fuck?" " Well Sam, it's been 20 minutes, wanna take over?" "Listen Sam, I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere." "No it's my fault." "I should never have let you drive." "Yeah, well, you were wrong, you were wrong to do that." "But you know, that and the trial is the only things you fucked up." "I can't see shit in here.We have to wait til tomorrow to get the car out." " Wait, are we gonna spend the night here?" " Yeah, we'll be fine." "We just need to find some firewood." "What the hell?" "Holy shit!" "Hey Ted!" "You know what this is?" "It's super Silver Hayes." "Ordinary marijuana mixed with lemon and became super Silver Hayes." "It's totally potent." "I only had one in my life ... and it was the best I ever had." "What the hell is a leaf of this stuff doing in the middle of a..." "Dear God, dear God in heaven." "it is so beautiful." "So beautiful." "Not enough words, no words." "He should've sent for me." "They're moving in Harrits." "They do move in Harrits." "Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip." "Yes, Sam, this puts us in a kind of awkward position here." "We want to get high too." "Is this hilarious?" "I got it at bachelorette party." " It's so stupid." "Here, try." " Uh no." " Why?" " I don't wat to put a big class cock in my mouth.." "Oh, you think this is big?" " Haha, Johnny you walked right into that one pal." " This is all I brought." "How about this?" "I'm gonna go check out the barn and see if I can find a solar can or something." "for us to make an actual bong." " Yeah, see if you can make a non dick bong." " Yeah, that's the name of the South Korean president." "She get's it?" " What?" " Be right back." "Sorry." "Do not worry." "This is nice." "You know?" "I always wanted a wife to get stoned with in the woods but she never wanted to." "Really?" "Wow." " That's the cornerstone of any great marriage." " I agree." " So do you think this Meighan guy will help us?" " I mean, honestly I don't know." "But we're going to the right place." "Listen, I just really want to thank you for all you've done and all you're doing for us, I know it's not making you rich." "Please ... there are more important things in life than money." "Look, I don't know what kind of mojo was in that wish when you were a child but this bear, alive." "And it seems to me that once the law devalues one kind of life..." "How soon before it devalues another?" "Who get's subjugated after the bear?" "You're really smart, you know that?" " How come you do not have a guy?" " Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston?" "I'm supposed to date some pale guy who's a wife beater under that bruise jacket with a shamrock tat on his calf?" "Nope!" "Yeah, that's so dumb." "Well, I couldn' find any cans but there some awesome shit in that barn." "Look at this." "I found a cowboy hat, a rifle and a guitar" "Hey, be careful with that." "No, it's okay, is not loaded." "And my fucking nose came off." "I wonder who all this belongs to." "I mean, maybe we should find someplace else." "Where in the middle of nowhere." "If we get out of here by dawn we should be fine, right?" " You play the guitar?" " A little bit." "I learned when I was a kid." "You got it." "Come on, put your legs into it." "There you go." "Nice job." "So listen, I gotta ask." "Was it just kissing last night or was there finger stuff?" "We got alot of pot in this car." "I wish we could smoke it." "We are gonna smoke it but just put it under the seat for now." " We dont wanna go to jail." " Yeah, that's a good idea." " Oh what the fuck?" "What are you doing?" " Hashtag!" " "My amazing summer"." " God dammit, what the hell is wrong wiith you?" "Oh I fucking own you you bastard." "What do you mean, I was just messing around." " Shut up and suck that dick." " Fuck you!" " Watch where you're walking!" " It's a crossroad jackass!" "We have right of way." "Hey, what the hell you do walking around just like Star Wars?" "It's Comic Con you idiot." "We're going down to the Jawa center." "Well you are the idiots, cause you three guys would never walk together." "Yeah, you're his boss and you two are enemies!" " Yes, bite me captain Kirk!" " Come on, that's Star Trek." " Yes. are 2 different franchises." " Sorry guys, she doesn't know." "No it's okey." "Im sorry you have to deal with that." "Hey come on, it's not worth it." "It's not worth it." "Patrick Meighan, got a classy set up huh?" "And there is our first impression." "Ms. Jackson?" "Mr. Meighan will see you now." "Oh okay, thank you." " Ms Jackson, do come in. " " Mr Meighan, this is such an honor." "Thank you so much for meeting with us." "Not at all, it's my pleasure." "Please, sit down." "Hey, this office is fucking awesome." "Yeah, totally." "Hey, do you ever bring chicks up here?" " What do you think?" " I think I want to sleep in a bed made of your voice." "I'll get right down to it." "I don't want to waste to much of your time." "Ted, I've been reviewing your file." "And while I'm sympathetic to your cause, I'm sorry to say" " I won't be taking your case." " What?" "Why?" "Well, it comes down to this." "You want to be human in the eyes of the law." "That's a hard sell, even for me." "You see, the important thing about being human is making a contribution to society." "Assisting in the bettering of your race." "You've done none of that." "I read about your life, the drugs, the parties, the prostitues, the arrests." "Mr. Meighan, we have come a long way to meet you because you said you could help." "I said I would consider it." "And I have." "Ted, you're special." "You could've been an inspiration to the world." "You could've been a leader, a role model." "Instead you're...." "Justin Bieber." "Fuck you!" " Hey Ted!" " Sorry." "He doesn't mean that." "Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." "There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you." "Well that's not true, he had a positive effect on me." "Would that positive effect be your joint arrest for purchasing marijuana in 2003?" "Well how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighter concert?" "Do you know why you lost this case?" "It can't be arguing with reason." "What the president says affect the public directly." "And unfortunately the public doesn't judge by reason." "They judge by emotion." "And you can not appeal any emotional conviction." "Nonetheless I wish you all the best in your efforts." "He needs help, and from what I know about you, at one point in your career that would have been enough." "I'm sorry you're not who I'd hope you'd be." "Are those supposed to just be take." "Those arn't supposed to be there." "So that is, I'm property." "No lights, no nothing." "Ted dude, I'm so sorry, this completely sucks." "It feels terrible." "I let you guys down all over again." "Hey, you didn't let us down Sam, you did your best." "And look, regardless of all this shit, you're still the best thing that happened to me in a long time." "Oh!" "That's great, that's fucking great!" "I'm glad you guys are so happy." "What?" "What do you mean what?" "I'm totally screwed here." "And you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer and she is probably still fucking billing us." " Well don't yell at us, we didn't do anything!" " Yeah, exactly, exactly ..." "Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other" "Sam could've won this thing and I wouldn't be a fucking thing." "Like garbage or a piece of shit." "Hey, we've been fighting alongside you the whole way." "And remember, you were the one pushing me to get back up on the horse," " and when I finally meet someone you're giving me shit?" " No, you're right, okay, it's totally fine." "I have no job, no marriage and no life." "But you have fun porking Golum while I I'm left with shit." " Ted!" " Who's Gollum?" "She's a model." "Ted, come back!" " Leave me alone!" " Ted!" "Shit." "Woah, sorry bro." "Hey Ted!" "Guy?" "I thought that was you." "What happened man?" "Hey Rick?" "It is Ted." " Hey, how you doing?" " Hey, what's going on?" "What are you doing here?" "You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts." "What are you guys doing here?" "Well, you know, Rick and I kinda came here as a gag." "Shut Up!" "Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds." "Hey, Staiss, why don't you go bring me some big lichu, how about that?" "Well, good luck with your dick there." "Right on, you too man." "God dammit!" "That underwear had shit on it!" " Hey." "Are you Ted?" " Uh, yeah." "This is so exciting!" "I was such a big fan of yours in the early nineties." "Oh, well, thanks alot." " What's your name?" " I'm Rafael." "Do you think that I can take a picture with you?" "Yeah, yeah, no problem." "Great, great, follow me." "Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here?" "Well you're a celebrity, I dont want you to get mobbed when people recognize you." "Yeah, that's true." "I've been mistaken for an ewok three times today." "Alright, let's do this." "Holy shit!" "Donny!" "It's so good to see you Ted." "It's been some time, hasn't it?" "Os since you ripped me in half?" "That was not supposed to happen." "That was was an accident." "I have some big plans for you, Ted." "Very big plans." "I need you to come with me now." "Go to hell!" "Nice lunch späs!" "Hey, what the hell?" "He could be anywhere, we're not gonna find him." "We sould just wait by the car." "What do you mean?" "We have to find him." "He's a teddy bear on his own in New York for Gods sake." " Hello?" " Hey Johnny, It's me, you gotta help me." "Ted where are you?" "We've looked everywhere for you." "I'm lat Comic Con, but John, it's Donny." "He's here." "You gotta come over here." "What the fuck, did you just say Donny?" " John, what's going on?" " Yes, it's him." "Oh shit!" "Ted?" " Ted, hello?" " What's the matter?" "Oh my God, deja vu." "We gotta get to Comic Con, come one." "Get out of the way!" "You know..." "I really love Neil Diamond." "Especially that song that they're singing at the red sox game." "This is so infectious." "You just can't help but sing along." "Fuck!" "Hey!" "What are you doing to that bear?" " I'm sorry, I ..." " You better be planning on buying that!" "It just reminds me of when I was a kid." "Yes, that's great." "Thats $40." "$40, here." "Do you see him anywhere?" "No, let's try in there." "Have anyone of you seen a talking teddy bear?" "They're about to annonce the new Superman." "The new Superman is ..." "Jonah Hill!" " Fuck!" " Who's Superman?" " What?" " I 'm just kidding, I'm fucking with you." "And if that's not big enough news, Hasbro will be unveiling a brand new line of Transformers merchandise next fall." "We have a brand new line of Decepticons, that is gonna be" " Hey fresh cake!" " Fresh cakes." "Fresh cakes ..." "Comic Con fans, lets take a look at the thrilling sissoreal with all our new exciting toys" "Take a look." "Come on, there's an empty supply room down the stairs." "Is that him?" "Yes, there was an issue so he's unconscious now but yeah, this is him." "Why did you bring him here?" "Well I've been following him around since yesterday, this was the only chance I could get him alone." "I had to move fast." "Hey Ted!" "Is that you?" "Yeah, he had a little to much to drink, he puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl so we're gonna take him back to sober him up." " Ah, rock on Ted!" " FIA!" "Be careful out there, some nerds spilled their lunch." "Hey dont walk forward so fast man." "Hey Johnny." "Guy?" "It's a God damn party here today." "I remember you from the wedding." "Did you do a nose job?" " No." " Yes you did you fucking liar." "Hey, we just ran into your friend Ted." "Ted?" "Where is he?" "Well, the got a little wasted so two dudes took him out back to sober him up." " Did you see which way they went?" " Yeah back hallway past the foodie both." "Come On!" "Thirsty abnormal?" "I fucking love this place." "What the fuck?" "What the fuck is going on here?" "Who the hell are you?" "He really is extraordinary, isn't he?" "You fucking bitch, this is a kidnapping!" "No it's not." "Kidnapping only applies to people, and you Ted, you're property." "Yeah, and so is that fucking hair piece." "What do you say?" "Happy face." "Right there, just me, yes!" "Come on, alright." "Right there, yeah good." "Hey Bennet!" "Oh shit!" "You messed up my car, what the hell is wrong with you?" "Sam this is really a bad time, right, something happened to Ted." "Oh, but it's a good time for you to vandalize my chrysler though." "Fuck your chrysler!" "Holy shit!" "Donnie you do not want to do this!" "You think about what happened to Frinway." "Remember?" "You cut me open and that's it." "I'm gone, dead." "Just a regular old teddy bear." "I won't be any fun then, will I?" "This isn't about you Ted." "You're only one bear." "We-re gonna figure out what makes you real and then we're gonna make millions of Teds." "One for every child in the world." "And one for me." "One that loves me just as much as you love John." "Look, Donny, I could never love you." "Oh God that sounds fucked up." "Listen, I don't wanna die." "Okay, so..." "What if I gave you a handjob outside your pants while you're eating an ice cream?" "I'll give you a minute." "Hey, check it out, nerd fight." "I'll see you in heaven, Ted." " Ted!" " Johnny!" "Who the hell are you?" "Get away from him you bastard!" " Ted are ou okay buddy?" " Johnny thank God." "I'm out." "Please mr Jessup, don't go." "We can still do this." "You're on your own Danny." "I can't be implicated in any of this." "Wait, who are you?" "I am working for Mattel." "You piece of shit!" "Killing my family pup wasn't enough for you huh?" "What are you gonna do now?" "You don't deserve him Johnny, you never did." " You never did!" " I've waited to do this for a long time." "Aha, I fucking knew it!" "Come on." "Listen, Johnny." "I want to tell you how sorry I am." "No, forget about it." "Look, you were upset Teddy, I shouldn't have brushed it off." "I'm so sorry." "No, no, listen to me." "You too Sam." "I acted like an asshole." "Alright?" "I was just hurting cause I knew I'd lost." "And that in the eyes of the world I will always be property." "But you know what?" "Who gives a shit?" "It doesn't matter what the world calls me." "I know who I am." "And that's all that's important, and I know who my friends are." "And honest to God, if you two want to be together" " Nothing would make me happier." " Oh, buddy I love you for that." "Thanks Ted, it means a lot." "And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned" "You're a person as much as anybody else I've ever known." "Oh Sam, that means the world comming from someone who went to Arizona state." "Holy shit, Johnny!" "Oh my God, John!" " Johnny?" " John?" " Oh Jesus." " Are you okay?" "Are you alright?" "John, hey." " What happened here?" " The rocket ship just hit him." "Jesus Christ, it's a starship Enterprise." "Forget it." "Somebody call 911." "Johnny, come one, stay with me pal." "We need an ambulance at, 655 West 34." " How the hell did it fall?" " I do not know!" "It was him!" "The guy that's dressed as a ninja turtle." "Which one?" "Alright, two can play this Where's Aldo shit you son of a bitch." "Sam, give me your phone." "That's him." "Get off me!" "Johnny?" "Johnny?" "Come on." "Jhony, you gotta wake up pal." "Johnny, wake up!" "Wake up, Johnny." "Jhony, wake up!" "How is he?" "Is he gonna come out of it?" "I don't know, miss Jackson, we're doing everything we can." "It's all up to him now." "John, please wake up." " Somebody help!" " Oh my God, John!" "Hello?" "There's something happening." "Mr Bennet?" " Something is wrong." " Whats going on?" "What's happening to him?" "Mr Bennet?" "John?" "We have a code blue in room 134!" " What does that mean?" " I'm sorry, you have to wait outside." " What's going on?" " Is he gonna be okay?" "The doctors will do everything they can but I need you to go to the waiting area now." "Excuse me." " What the status?" " He was stable a minute ago and now he's unresponsive." "He's not breathing and got no pulse." "Start contractions, prepare to intubate, give him a milligram of Epinephrine." "I'm sorry." "He didn't make it." "What?" "What?" "It's Johnny?" "If you'd like you can go in and say you're goodbyes." "Johnny?" "You're my thunder buddy." "My thunder buddy of life." "And you gave up your own life to save mine." "And I promise," "I don't know how my life works without you." "Goodbye John.." "I got you mother fucker!" "Holy shit, it's a zombie!" "It's a fucking zombie!" "I totally fucking got you!" " Holy shit!" " You should see your fucking face!" " You son of a bitch!" " That was fucking classic!" "Wait, this is payback because I made you believe I was dead." " You did it this time!" " I did it this time!" "Well done, well done." "Give me five!" "High five." "What the fuck is going on?" "What's going on is this guy just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon." "You are the fucking greatest man." "How was the doctor in on it?" "They got me out and I was totally fine so I talked him into going along." "Hey doc, it worked out hilarious, thanks." "No problem, we're a funny hospital." "You asshole!" "You think this shit is funny?" "Do you know how devastated I was?" "I put a drowning smiley on facebook." "How am I supposed to explain that to everybody?" "Well you could change your relationship status from single to it's complicated." "You're gonna have to do alot better than that!" "Well...you're in a relationship with John Bennet." "Well....we'll have to talk about that." "Hey, if you two want to bang me and Ted can totally leave the room." "No, honey,they're classy, they're not like us." "It's not that kind of people." "I'm happy to see everybody has made a full recovery.." " Mr Meighan?" " What the hell?" "Holy shit." "Is it alright if I come in?" "Sure, yeah." "How are you feeling, John?" "I am alive." "You are very lucky." "I saw what you did on TV." "Yes, he saved my ass is what he did." "You know why?" "Because he's a person." "And no matter how many smartass lawyers you're hiring to keep him down they're not gonna change that, not in our eyes." "Teddy is real, aso you can go fuck yourself." "I will." "And as soon as I'm done fucking myself I'd like to take your case Ted." " What?" " Seriously?" " Oh my God!" " You hear that?" "Well maybe we don't want you now." " Shut up!" " No, no, we want you, for sure we want you." "What made you change your mind?" "Well, when I saw what John did for you." "And he was willing to give his life for yours." "He gave me a kick in the ass." "It reminded me of why I chose to do what I do." "I'm sorry I turned you away." "I was wrong." "As far as I'm concerned, anyone who can inspire that kind of love in another person deserves to be called a human." "You mean it?" "I certainly do." "So, shall we get started?" "What defines a person?" "What defines property?" "What's the difference?" "The anthropologist and epitist Dawn Prince Hughes argues that the fandus for personhood includes self awareness," "an ability to understand complex emotions, and the capacity for empathy." "And we are all in agreement that Ted is self aware." " What is your name?" " Ted Clubberlang." "As for the complex emotions and the capacity for empathy, we all saw the distressing images of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend" "John Bennet." "In those images, Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities of personhood." "It's right there for anyone to see." "And I believe that a just court must by definition grant basic human rights to all those who deserve them." "Just add the Emancipation Proclamation and the 13th amendment did so many years ago." "So ladies and gentlemen of the court." "I invite you to change the world." "Well Johnny, this is the second time you made me real" "Thanks pal." "Hey, you were always real to me buddy, even when you weren't." "Congratulations Ted." "Thanks Sam." "Ted?" "This is quite a victory for you." "Is there any statement you would like to make now that you are legally a person?" "Yes, there is." "Tami-Lynn McCafferty..." "Will you marry me?" "Yes!" "And so our story comes to an end." "Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again, and soon afterwards they adopted a fine young baby boy." "Johnny, meet your new godson, Apollo Creed Clubberlang." "Aw Teddy, he's adorable." "Oh, and we got something for him too." "Oh shit, yeah." "Johnny!" "Oh Johnny it's perfect." "And you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough, maybe he'll come to life." "You can do all kinds of drugs together." "That is all I want for him." "Oh, it smells like someone's got a bobo diaper." "Teddy it's your turn to change it." "Oh yeah, no problem." " Fuck me!" " What's the matter?" "That can't be normal." "He's gotta be sick." "He's not sick." "It's just baby doodie." " It's just what babies do Teddy." " Oh, you don't think this diaper is gross?" " No!" " Alright, here, catch!" "Teddy, what the fuck?" "Shit, you mother fucker!" "Hashtag:" "Shit happens." "Created by Nihilus"