"*" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know * * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "so you're really going to do it?" "oh, yeah. this time." "did he say what he wanted?" "not a word." "maybe he's going to propose." "do you think she knows you're going to dump her?" "she ought to know by now." "i've dumped her the last four times i've seen her." "so what goes wrong?" "we have sex." "you have sex?" "she makes me." "how?" "she suggests it." "she suggests it?" "exactly." "evil." "you said you had a fantastic time last weekend." "maybe he's thinking, you know... one swallow doesn't make a summer." "last time i dumped her, we had amazing, fantastic, borderline-illegal sex." "now she thinks we're back on." "well, that's ridiculous." "i know. one swallow does not make her my girlfriend." "maybe you should marry him." "it's not like that." "it's very casual." "it's really just sex with a fringe of conversation." "but what if he's your last ever man?" "what if you've used up your goes?" "remember, every morning your face has slipped a little bit more." "since 30 i've had to put a daily limit on facial expressions." "i only ever smile at single men, so i can justify the loss of elasticity." "is this how your mind works all the time?" "the only reason i work is so i stop worrying about my hair." "and this from my beautician." "which reminds me-- facial, wednesday evening." "just don't count every time you find a wrinkle." "do i do that out loud?" "you've got a running total in my file." "sally, does it ever occur to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence?" "susan, age brings you more to shave." "so you dump her, and then she does this suggesting thing?" "yeah." "i'll be just about to leave." "i'll be thinking that i am finally out." "she just leans over, looks me in the eyes, and goes, "i'm wearing stockings."" "no!" "she's never worn them before, not once in the entire relationship." "i begged." "yeah, but, steve, you're entitled to her stockings." "am i?" "yes, you're still in the zone." "the what?" "the boyfriend zone." "this is the tailing-off period." "you've still got a load of stuff at her flat." "you might still have a wedding to go to together." "you're under joint headings in your friends' address books." "and that means i'm entitled to see her underwear?" "if it comes up." "that's the rules of the zone." "good luck in there, steve." "you're a strange and disturbing man, jeff." "thank you." "steve, do you know what i call this kind of woman?" "you know, the type you can't get rid of?" "is this going to be really tasteless?" "am i going to be ashamed to be your friend?" "it's a technical term." "it's a harmless expression." "all right. hit me." "unflushable." "turn around, jeff." "walk away." "because they keep bobbing around." "go, jeff, go!" "go." "don't look back. go." "hi, patrick." "hi, susan." "hi, steve." "jane." "and my sister said no, so i said yes." "then she said no again, so i just said yes." "but then she said no." "so i said yes, yes, yes." "how does this story end exactly?" "she said i had an answer for everything." "right." "and i just said, "yes!"" "jane!" "okay, listen to me, okay?" "i know i've tried to say this before, and i know i never seem to get anywhere, but this time, jane, i am going to put it very, very simply." "it's over between us." "you want us to split up?" "yes. oh, yes, i do." "i don't accept." "what?" "i don't accept it." "no, no, you can't not accept it." "i'm breaking up with you." "don't i get a say in it?" "of course you don't." "if i don't get a say, then i don't accept it." "anyway, then my sister just looked at me and she said no, no, no." "mary kelly does not fancy you." "i can tell from the way she acts around me she finds me attractive." "is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive?" "it's never really come up." "if you two are finished, i thought you wanted to speak to me." "yeah. yeah, i do." "could you give us a minute?" "mary kelly thinks you're a complete idiot." "why does she keep looking at my arse when we're talking?" "she's lip-reading." "( clears throat ) we need to talk." "sure." "about our relationship." "( sighs ) i'm just starting to think it's all getting a bit hot and heavy and we both need to back off and cool down." "you know, maybe we should just both think about where everything's going and whether we're starting to commit more than we intend to or... or want to." "what relationship?" "and then my sister said, "absolutely not,"" "so i said, "absolutely yes."" "it doesn't matter whether you accept it or not." "it's over." "you're dumped." "look, um, it's not you, okay?" "it's me." "then why am i the one that's getting dumped?" "you should be the one that gets dumped." "exactly, it's all my fault." "so dump me." "no!" "what?" "we can work on your problems." "i can't believe you!" "well, i didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "i just never saw it as a relationship as such." "i just thought we were having a bit of fun, a bit of sex." "well, yeah, i mean, that's what i thought." "i mean, that's pretty much the way i see it." "well, there you are, then." "yeah." "i mean, it's not as if we're being faithful or anything." "oops." "you've got to let me out, please." "look, why don't we give it a year?" "because if we give it a year, i will end up horribly murdering you and hacking up your body." "okay." "how long do you suggest?" "( sighs ) i'm so sorry." "i had no idea." "it's fine." "we were only seeing each other once a week." "that's not exactly a sex life." "you must have been doing a lot of solo flights." "no, i wasn't!" "oh, come on!" "i certainly was not." "i was saving it all up for you." "no, really?" "oops." "some relationships are supposed to end." "there are some relationships that the world is better off without." "remember crippen?" "here we go-- bring up crippen again." "you seem to forget the crippens enjoyed many happy years of marriage before he murdered her." "please listen to me." "they didn't just give up." "they worked at it." "that's the real lesson of the crippens." "he killed her and was hanged for her murder." "well, yes, eventually." "look, i'm not saying it wasn't good." "i'm just saying it didn't seem like a week's worth." "oh, no, don't look like that." "not everyone has my level of sex drive." "i mean, for a start, you're a bloke-- all right. all right." "i wasn't going to say anything, but actually i've been seeing someone else, too." "you've been cheating on me?" "what?" "is this true, patrick?" "but you were cheating on me." "i wasn't cheating-- i wasn't being faithful." "you were being faithful, and that means you were cheating." "and i thought i knew you." "do you know what i'm going do?" "i'm going to walk out of here." "and whether you accept it or not, i am never going to speak to you or see you again." "that is it, over." "steve, we've just-- don't start suggesting things or telling me what you're wearing." "or doing the thing with your breasts." "i'm going." "i just wanted you to know something." "it's not going to work." "i experienced a passionate connection with you that i've never encountered before." "not listening." "i've never known lovemaking so electric." "no, it's having no effect." "except perhaps once with arthur." "you know, the night before he left for the gulf." "there is no level of cheap manipulation that will work, jane." "and maybe a couple of times with elizabeth." "hey, steve. guess who?" "listen, there's something i forgot to tell you about the--steve?" "steve, are you all right?" "i was this close." "evil." "susan?" "hey." "jeff, hi." "you never told me about elizabeth." "well, you know i've had relationships with other women." "no, you never told me that." "not once in the entire relationship." "i begged!" "well, it's too late now." "no!" "i'm still in the zone!" "this is patrick, and this is jeff, who works in my office." "hi, right." "good to meet you." "so how do you know susan, then?" "she just dumped him." "oh, great." "oh, sounds like my cue for a loo break." "excuse me a sec." "so, dumped and still here, eh?" "so you're an unflushable." "oh!" "oh!" "um, isn't this the ladies'?" "sorry. just, um, just washing my hands." "mm-hmm." "and the money's for?" "you get these free in the ladies'?" "apparently." "yeah, um... well, i think in terms of humiliating myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn't get much more embarrassing, could it?" "so how are you these days, steve?" "great." "we met at my office party." "jeff invited you, i think." "and you spent the whole evening arguing with some woman about crippen." "yeah, i was rather insulted." "i seem to remember i was trying to chat you up at the time." "oh." "so, have you seen that woman recently?" "define "recently."" "okay, look, i'd better-- no, no, hang on." "maybe we could, you know, meet up sometime." "well, yeah." "you know where i work." "jeff's got my number." "nothing to stop you from calling me." "great." "great." "where are you going?" "in there." "why?" "what are you going to do?" "that's not a level of detail most people look for." "sorry." "um, still using it." "what?" "haven't finished." "i was on a break." "what, you popped out to wash your hands during your-- yes." "it's been a tricky one." "oh!" "oh!" "look, look, i don't think this is such a good idea anymore." "oh, you're just getting all confused again." "i'll tell you what." "i'll take my clothes off." "no, no, no, no." "that's not going to work." "whatever you might think, whatever everybody might think, it just so happens i'm not completely--shaved!" "i mean shallow!" "your friend steve-- is he all right?" "yeah, yeah, he's having a bit of trouble at the moment." "he's got an unflushable." "oh. oh, i see." "you mean he can't-- no, no, not so much can't." "he won't." "he won't?" "at the last minute he gets all sentimental." "so, back on your own again, eh?" "back out there." "you're smiling at me." "i don't think i've ever seen that." "you're a single man now." "you qualify for my elasticity." "is that as good as it sounds?" "( moaning ) mayday!" "mayday!" "they're all over me!" "how well do you know susan?" "are you close?" "close?" "i've got her cycle in my organizer." "wait, are you thinking of asking her out?" "i've already, kind of." "why, is it a problem?" "what, have you and her, you know?" "oh, yeah, well, we gave it a try, you know, but it was a long time ago." "didn't really work out." "i think i made her nervous." "that's understandable." "so you managed to finish with jane, then?" "( moaning ) define "finish."" "oh, steve, have you finished with jane?" "are you out of the zone?" "if you ask susan out while you are still seeing jane, that could be a problem later." "so, where were you zone-wise with jane when you asked susan out?" "well, you know, pretty much...in there." "yeah, yeah, but where exactly?" "you know, like middle, edge... during." "during?" "during?" "it's not as bad as it sounds." "i was in the toilet cubicle with jane." "when i was nipping out to get a condom, i asked out susan." "the zone has a new king." "but you will rule alone." "jeff." "hello." "that, uh, that steve guy-- how well do you know him?" "are you close?" "close?" "we're porn buddies." "porn buddies?" "oh, yeah. yeah." "is this code?" "were you two in prison together or something?" "no, no, no, it's a safety precaution." "you know, like a scuba diver dives with a buddy in case he runs out of air." "okay, so are you telling me that a porn buddy stands by with oxygen?" "( laughing ) no." "um, many years ago steve and i exchanged house keys." "are you sure this isn't code?" "it's not code." "in the event of steve's death, the first thing i will do, upset though i will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it." "you're kidding." "and he's pledged to do the same for me." "that's how close we are." "you guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags?" "who said destroy?" "remove." "yeah, but you wouldn't keep them, would you?" "well, it's a perk." "oh, jeff." "that's the beauty of it, you see." "your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side." "you're trying to put me off him, aren't you?" "no way." "why would i do that?" "i know it was a long time ago, but, um, you and me?" "yeah, well, that didn't really work out, did it?" "i'll never understand why i made you so nervous." "i've never seen anyone look so terrified." "it's all in the past, that." "please forget about it." "( phone rings ) hello?" "oh, talk of the devil." "hi, steve." "no,just talking about you with jeff, your buddy." "um, tomorrow evening?" "tomorrow evening would be fine, yes." "may have to be a bit later." "i'm supposed to be having a facial." "okay, and then we can have a good long chat about jeff." "( phone rings ) hello, this is jane." "sorry i'm not here." "i'm out of the zone." "i am finally out." "( beep ) jane, hi, this is steve." "um, look, there's something i've been trying to say, and i think by now you know what it is." "so just listen." "you are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman, and a man would have to be insane not to want to spend the rest of his life with you." "this message tape is now full." "please hang up." "this tape message is now full." "please hang up." "jeff, i'm going on a date." "why are you following me?" "i just think you might need a few last-minute pointers." "jeff." "um, here's a pointer from me-- this is dinner for two." "quality. nice." "susan's idea." "she's going to be here in an hour." "do you know the biggest turnoff on a first date?" "you?" "discussion of mutual friends." "an hour?" "yes, she's having a facial." "and i'm trying to avoid someone." "who?" "oh, my god." "what?" "have you been completely clear with her that it's over?" "hello, gorgeous." "and... i got your lovely message." "you know, i feel quite flushed." "how did you find me?" "the usual." "oh, right. you phoned my flat, found i wasn't there." "then you phoned all the local taxi companies and found out which one had picked me up and where i'd gone." "then you phoned all the local restaurants and found out which one had my booking." "well, if i didn't do that, how would we ever see each other?" "remember the time i gave you such a big fright, you almost fainted?" "where was that?" "prague." "you should have seen his little face." "he cried." "jane, listen." "oh, my god!" "the zone really hates you!" "hi. i didn't expect you to be here already." "didn't expect you." "thought you were having a facial." "oh, she canceled." "she canceled?" "it's okay. i was going to cancel it anyway." "don't really need it." "are you sure?" "what are you saying?" "nothing. i'm just worried about your face." "jeff." "susan!" "hi!" "i thought you were having a facial." "it was canceled." "canceled?" "!" "well, do you want me to have a word with them?" "hello." "hello." "i'm jane, steve's girlfriend." "susan." "pleased to meet you." "you have a girlfriend?" "well, at the moment." "at the moment?" "you're early." "are you seeing this woman?" "no, no, not for another hour." "steve!" "okay, yes." "yes, we're on a date." "i'm sorry, steve, but i simply won't tolerate that." "look, i'm very fond of you, and i hope we'll always be friends, but i'm afraid this relationship is now over." "yes!" "sorry." "just like that?" "i'm afraid so." "i just wish you would have said something." "does somebody want to tell me what's going on?" "sally, what are you doing here?" "i was feeling guilty." "i should never have canceled your facial." "patrick?" "oh, hi." "oh, what exactly is going on here?" "you're asking me?" "i can't believe you're using our restaurant for your date." "that's so thoughtless." "patrick, you are using our restaurant and my friend for your date." "okay, you win that one." "okay, so let me guess." "you asked him out the moment i dumped him." "sally, you don't even like him." "i panicked. my neck looked old this morning." "we'll talk later." "steve, you and i will talk now." "well, anyway." "here we all are on steve and susan's first date." "isn't this great?" "let's all have dinner and plan the future." "table for six?" "jeff, what are you doing?" "are you worried we're going to talk about you or something?" "no." "what is there to say?" "you know about him and me?" "the nerves thing?" "well, yes, but don't worry about it." "jeff makes loads of women nervous." "you made me nervous?" "you told him you made me nervous?" "mr. "i've lost all feeling down my left side."" "mr. "i think all my joints have locked together, can you carry me home?"" "jeff?" "didn't he tell you?" "he fainted." "i was only faking it so that i wouldn't have to have sex with you." "that wasn't a great defense, was it?" "oh!" "look, sex can be very stressful for men." "you judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina-- and we're just happy if you're naked. half naked." "one breast." "oh, jeff, i can't believe what i'm hearing." "you won't be hearing any more." "i'm staying and monitoring the rest of your conversation." "jeff, i want to talk to steve privately." "no. no, you're both friends of mine." "if you get together, it affects me." "i'm a legitimate part of this date." "go away, jeff." "please." "yeah, what do i have to do here, beg?" "show you a breast?" "all i'm saying is that for... okay." "what?" "okay." "okay what?" "okay on the breast thing." "i'll go in exchange for a breast." "i wasn't serious." "it's too late." "i was." "you've already seen them." "yeah, during a panic attack." "i was blind." "you reckon you can take them now?" "well, singly." "i wasn't serious, jeff." "you really think i'm going to flash you in public?" "we're in a corner." "i don't think anyone else will see." "patrick, what are you doing?" "you've seen them lots of times." "yeah, but now you're an ex." "oh, yeah, that's the best." "what are you two doing?" "always good to see a friend's breast unsupported." "and i just like looking at breasts." "this just gets better and better." "will you people get it into your heads?" "i am not doing this." "steve." "just in case you do do it." "you know, technically i'm on a date with you." "i don't want to end up a breast behind everybody else." "actually, susan, that's fair." "i agree." "do you know what?" "i am gonna do this." "i'm gonna do this just to show you how low, pathetic, and desperate you've all become." "result!" "but i want you to remember, i intend this breast satirically." "now there's a sentence that can't come up too often." "okay, which one?" "any preference?" "either." "don't mind." "the right one." "trust me." "what's wrong with the left one?" "don't be like that." "there has to be a second place." "i wasn't aware you'd assessed them individually." "you were asleep." "i was bored." "okay, fine." "remember, this is to show you how low you have sunk." "yeah, but we get to see a breast, right?" "yes!" "cool." "okay, here we go." "fire one." "no, no, that's the left." "we want the good one." "if you only could see how stupid you all look." "table for six, please." "i'm sorry." "i think we're fully booked." "she's got another one just like it, you know." "yeah. well, pretty much." "patrick!" "perhaps we're not fully booked." "let me go and see what i can do." "i thought the plan was to get rid of everyone." "new plan." "let's see-- your ex, my ex." "your best friend, my best friend." "well, every new relationship has baggage, so why not invite it all out for dinner?" "so i take it this isn't a date anymore?" "or--or is it?" "are we still-- steve, i think in the circumstances, let's just take it one breast at a time." "* if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started *" "* and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * * broken-hearted *" "* so if you really love me * * say yes * * and please don't tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *"