"(Laughs)" "(Snorting)" "(Continues snorting and laughing)" "We need to talk." "(Stops laughing)" "Oh." "(Polly) Who is this guy with my tongue in his mouth and his hands wandering somewhere out of frame, you may ask?" "Well, after I stopped seeing Scott, the dating floodgates opened." "But not in a slutty way." "In a classy way, like how the queen might open her floodgates." "Okay, fine, he wasn't super classy, but doesn't he look like sting, like..." "like his eyes a little bit?" "You have to squint to get it." "Anyway, this one is different." "His name is Ryan." "He's a cute physical therapist that helped me out with my back problems." "So we went out to dinner, we hit it off, and it's going great." "My back still hurts, but he's a really good kisser." " Why'd you stop?" " Um..." "Oh, God, please tell me you're not looking at a tall swarthy man and a lady dressed like a fortune-teller." "There's a tiny woman with a tiny dog." "(Dog barks) Ohh." "What are you guys doing?" "Why is she not in bed?" "Oh, she couldn't sleep, so we took her out for coffee." " I like coffee now!" " Your child has a sophisticated palate." "It was the coffee that made me think she was a woman." "Mommy's kissing someone!" "Mommy's kissing someone!" " Thanks, guys!" "Great job." " Mommy's kissing someone!" " Enjoy." "Okay." " (Singsongy) Bye!" "Mommy's kissing someone!" "Mommy's..." " Coffee!" "Coffee!" "Coffee!" "Coffee!" " Okay." "Okay, so, uh, sweetie, the man you saw mommy outside with" " is mommy's special new friend." " Like with benefits?" "(Laughs) Okay." "Somebody has been watching sitcoms when they are not supposed to." "Ryan... is more than my friend but not my boyfriend, okay?" "Does daddy have a special friend?" "I do not think that he does have a special friend right now." "But you get to live here with me, grandma, and grandpa, and he's all alone." "Yeah, but, Nat, if you think about it, nobody's really alone, because of the..." "Internet." "It's not fair." "I want daddy to be happy." "I'm sure that daddy is gonna be meet someone soon, and then... we'll both have special friends." "Maybe she'll be a cougar." "Okay, maybe I will learn how to use the parental controls on the TV." "Mwah." "Two cappuccino, por favor!" "Well, you see, what we have here is a slinky with interconnected helixes, and the idea is to find the origin of where it... begins." "Oh, (bleep) this (bleep) With the (bleep)." "Why would you play with the kid's toys?" "I wasn't playing with it." "I thought it would make a nice... eye-catching scarf." "Did you just pull a sprig of tarragon out of your bra?" "Well, you know how you go to the store, and they only sell it in those huge bags?" "And sometimes you just want..." "A little teaspoon or so." " Well, what the hell is that?" " Bay leaf." "So Natalie just asked me why I'm seeing somebody and her daddy is not." "I didn't tell her it's because her daddy eats sardines out of the can like a cat from a cartoon." "Well, you better tell her to get used to seeing her daddy alone for a while, because you, my dear," " are a tough act to follow." " That is true." "You are like a supermodel physicist who humbly works at a market so that regular people don't kill themselves out of jealousy." "Yes, that is why I work there." "I'm not gonna lie." "Lately I have been on kind of a hot streak, but is it possible that I have forgotten those in my life who are, let's say, um..." "Romantically challenged?" "How you doing?" "You know, there's room in this suit for two." "Nothing?" "Really?" "Well, there's no point in sitting around feeling guilty." "Be proactive." "Go out and find someone for Julian." "It'll be good for both of you." "You know what?" "Maybe you could find him one of those long distance relationships, and you could be the one at a distance." "But isn't me setting up Julian kind of dipping a toe into a murky intimacy cesspool?" "Huh." "It's just one ex doing another ex a solid." "You know?" "That's right." "I say "solid" now." "You don't have to make a big deal about it." "You know, I would love to do him a solid." " And you." "Give me that slinky." " No, no, I almost have it." "Give it, give it, give it." "No." "It's not..." "These are easy." "You just have to find..." "The origin of..." "What, was this thing in a (bleep) tornado?" " Get it off!" " Oh." "I-I-I'm..." "I'm... done." "I'm done." "(Children speaking indistinctly) (Toy squeaks)" "(Sighs)" "Look, grandma!" "Quickie bake oven!" "Oh, that's right." "A toy oven to crush the spirit of brilliant little minds like yours." ""What do you wanna be when you grow up?"" ""I don't know, because I'm shackled to a tiny toy stove."" "Calm down, grandma." "It's the only box here with cookies on it." "Oh, there it is." "(Slinky clanking)" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." " So... funny story." " Yeah?" "I was making out with a guy in a car last night, and Natalie saw me." "(Laughs)" "Not that funny." "Oh, it's..." "Well, unless it's a thinker." "Is it a thinker?" "'Cause I love those." "It was a total accident, okay?" "I would never just get it on with a guy while other people watched." "I'm not some chick from Arizona state trying to make money with a webcam." "Hey, it happens." "We're young and hip." "Natalie's accidentally seen me do stuff in the car before." "(Sobbing)" "Thing is, I talked to her afterward, and she mentioned that she thinks it's unfair that I am dating people and that you... are not, unless you are and are just more discreet" " than I have turned out to be." " Oh, no." "I'm quite alone." "Well, we should fix that." "I mean, not just for Natalie." "I would like to know that you're settled and happy." "And isn't there somebody that you have your eye on?" "Well, there is this one woman who comes in here every day and orders a large cookies-'n-cream." "Always pays with credit card ending in 8709." "I think I kept one of her receipts." "(Cell phone rings)" "(Ring)" "(Beep)" "Hey, Ryan, what a nice surprise." "Polly, do you wanna go to a $4 matinee and not watch the movie?" "Uh..." "(Chuckles)" " (Whispers) There." " I can't..." "I can't tell where you're pointing with the giant foam hand." "All right." "Right there." "Holy crap." ""Holy crap," yes, you wanna go to the movie, or "holy crap" you just saw some religious... crap?" "Let me..." "let me..." "let me call you back." "Wow, she looks like damn, had a baby with..." "(High-pitched voice) What?" "I know." "I'd love to be Mr. Julian cookies-'n-cream." "Don't you think we'd be great together?" "Oh, d..." "Oh, my God." "I can totally see you two together." "I mean, he's a model/lawyer, and you're a..." "Well, you know." "There's no way Julian could get a girl like this." "She's gorgeous." "She wears lady suits." "And I know a nice suit, okay?" "I have seen them on women on TV who play professionals when I'm watching my stories." "Hey, in a death match between drama characters with nouns for names, who's gonna win?" ""House," "Castle," or "Bones"?" " Well..." "People need bones." " Stop it." "Okay, guys, come on." "We need to find a way to get a girl to hook up with a guy who is way beneath her." "Jenn?" "Sure." "I'll hook up with him." "Wait." "Who are we talking about?" "(Singsongy) I am an incredible matchmaker." "(Max) It's true." "I am." "I set up my girlfriend Penelope." "You know her." "Shaped like a fire hydrant." "Never stops talking." "Big." "Anyhoo, she's married to a lovely guy who is a very distant cousin of Tom Selleck." "Tom was at the wedding." "What a handshake." "Okay." "All you gotta do is get Julian an opening with this girl that makes him seem fantastic." "Steal something of hers and have him return it or stab her and have him drag her to the hospital." "Yeah." "Don't do those." "Or... he could go up and talk to her." "Said a man who has never done that in his own life." "So many options." "(Whirling sound)" "(Laughs)" "(Chuckles) What you got there?" "Got a new slinky." "Yeah." "I can see that." "Very nice slinky." "Yeah." "And I can't help but notice that there's no..." "There's no box or receipt." "Unh-unh." "Elaine, perchance did you, um, steal that slinky?" "It's a sample." "Sample?" "I see." "There's no way that slinky... gave samples." " Yeah." " Listen to me." "The tarragon, the sage that you pull out of your boobs..." "Those grow in the wild, so there is a context where those are free." "Yeah." "But this, my darling, was made by someone in China and shipped on a boat." "What does a Chinese guy got to do with it?" "There are international complications, and that makes me anxious." "You're backsliding into some anxiety-provoking territory." "Right?" "(Funk rock music playing)" "(New wave music playing)" "(Grunge rock music playing)" "These are little, itty-bitty, teeny shmegegge." ""Itty-bitty shmegegge" is not a legal defense." "That's my whole point." "I don't need a legal defense." "I am in my own home." "Nothing bad has happened to me except you hocking me." "The honorable Elaine green is going to take a bath." "Case closed." "You weren't the judge in that scenario." "Itty-bitty!" "♪ Yogurt's good, and it goes in your body ♪" "Since it's hard for a 6-foot tall dessert to ask out a gorgeous woman, it's my job to convince this complete stranger what a great guy Julian is." "(Sighs)" "Hi." " Excuse me." " Yes?" "Um... just..." "I..." "I was just wondering, are you aware how much carboxymethylcellulose is in this yogurt?" "Carboxymethylcellulose?" "Yeah." "It's a thickening agent, also used in personal lubricants and laxatives." "Hi." "I'm Polly." "Wow, you are even prettier up close." "(Indistinct conversations)" "Polly!" "So?" "How'd it go?" "Did we set a date?" "Oh, I can't do wednesdays." "I forgot to tell you." "That's when I collect bottles and cans for "the boy scouts."" "I made some solid progress." "I mean, I was, you know, slow playing it, but, uh, she seems super receptive." "Oh, Polly, thank you." "Thank you." "A girl like this..." "She could change my whole life." "I mean, maybe I'd start going to night school, and then maybe my dream..." "I'd get to open zombie apocalypse fantasy camp." "Huh?" "Oh!" "It all starts with her." "Wow." "You sound..." "Really inspired." "Well, yeah." "Have you seen her?" "She's a life-changer." "I mean, I'd go gay for this chick." "Somebody who you refused to change anything for might feel a little jealous or angry from that." "Oh, my... no, no, Polly, I don't want you to feel that way, all right?" "This is a totally different situation." "I mean, she's crazy beautiful." "Awesome." "Way to dig yourself out." "Thanks." "That was the moment I realized why people don't set up... (Imitates gunshot) Their exes..." "Because of the potentially bad feelings they can dredge up, like the desire to take that spoon and shove it up his cone hole." "(Elaine) Happy Birthday, Mr. President." "Don't you think I'm pretty?" "Oh, we are so much prettier than her." "I may not be..." "Life-changing pretty." "Well, I changed my life for you." "I gave up my second bathroom." "She's better than me, which is why I couldn't talk to her." "She is not better than you, and I'll give it a whirl." "I can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime, even underwater." "I'm doing it." "Great." "Hi." "I'm Elaine." "Olivia." "Olivia." "I knew an Olivia once." "Tried to suffocate me at summer camp, so I told the counselor she was pregnant." "She was only 8 at the time, so nothing came of it." "(Chuckles) (Laughs)" "Yeah." "Simpler times." "You're funny." "I know." "Right?" "(Tap)" "You're so pretty." "(Indistinct conversations)" "(Singsongy, clenched teeth) I got her number." "(Singsongy) I got her iPad." "What?" "Are you insane?" "What?" "That's what you told me to do!" "Well, just because I'm talking doesn't mean I'm saying anything." "I was exaggerating for an effect." "I also told you to stab her and drag her to the hospital, to do it." "Well, apparently my ex-husband liking someone who makes me look like a blob of raw hamburger is messing with my head." "But next time, I'll know not to take your suggestions." "Get in the car." "Get in the car now." "That one I'll take." "(Door creaks)" "Hey." "Well, I hope you like sex, because you are about to have a lot of it, mister." "(Door closes)" "As a result of a small misunderstanding with my mom," "I am now in possession of her... (Singsongy) iPad." "Like you stole it?" "Bad people steal, okay?" "Good people are merely involved in, uh, romantic high-jinks." "If Meg Ryan took it, you would still be on her side, right?" "And then you could be Tom Hanks and return it, and that would be your meet-cute, and then I would still be Meg Ryan and not some thieving lunatic." "Polly, she's probably called the cops already." "Okay, there are tracking devices on these things." "So... does she know exactly where this iPad is?" "Does she know that I took it?" "Does she see me right now on that tiny, little camera?" "I'm so sorry." "I'm sorry." "Oh, my God." "The cops are probably" " on their way over here right now!" " What?" "I gotta take this thing to a back of a bus or something." "Help me find my tape!" " Oh, where's my bus schedule?" " I don't know!" "(Papers rustling) Why do you have a bus schedule?" "Oh. (Chuckles) Funny story." "It's only because" "I don't have a stolen iPad to look it up on!" "Yeah, well, how was I supposed to know that you were gonna pick somebody who's so out of your league?" "Out of my league?" "You think she is out of my league?" "You probably think you were out of my league." "I am." "You live at home with your parents." "I have my own abode." "With a yogurt costume hanging in the shower!" "You smell like cheese." "Cheese-sellin' girl." "Cheese-sellin' woman who happens to be dating a great-ass guy who she loves spending time with." "(Cell phone rings, beep)" "Hey, baby, terrible timing." "H-hey, Polly, I thought you said you were working today." "Yeah, Polly, I thought you said you were working today." "This guy is really cute." "(Giggles)" "I'm almost there." "I'm pulling in." "I'm right behind that car." "See me?" "Oh... (Knock on door)" "(Whispers) It's her." "Gotta go." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Are you blowing me off?" "No." "I am... bye." "(Cell phone beeps)" "(Beep)" "(Olivia) Uh, I can hear you in there!" "(High-pitched Spanish accent) Mister Julian no estã¡ aquã­!" "Abre esta puerta ahora!" "Great." "She speaks German, too." "(Sighs)" "(Both) Hi." "I... suppose you're wondering if we have your iPad." "Yes." "Yes, we do." "And I bet you're wondering why..." "I assume you and that gypsy woman stole it at the yogurt place and then brought it back to this..." "What I can only guess is your son's first apartment." "Son?" "How old do you think I am?" "!" "Don't answer that." "Miss, I am so sorry, okay?" "I had no idea what was happening until just now." " See, my friend..." " True." "Thought this would be a good way for me to meet you and then ask you out." "A way to ask me out?" "Yeah." "You steal a person's iPad in order to ask her out?" "What kind of person does that?" "A mother." "A responsible single mother who's just trying to see her daughter smile." "You know, see, the..." "The twinkle in her eye..." " Spark... just lights your heart aflame." " Not buying it." "I assume we're not..." "Pressing charges here, right?" "(Beep)" "Figured out what was wrong with the lint trap on the dryer." "It's clogged with oregano." "A little... (Smacks lips)" "Right?" "Who was that on the phone?" "That was Natalie's school." "I have done a bad thing." "Natalie got caught taking another kid's pretty princess calculator, and she said, "grandma takes things, so it must be okay."" "She saw you take that slinky." "Or the coriander." "The... the what?" "I don't know." "I also inadvertently convinced Polly to commit an actual..." "Well, the only word is "crime."" "I knew when I married you," "I'd have to put an attorney on retainer." "Am I just a horrible role model?" "I mean, yeah, I can play a role." "I've done some modeling, but you put the two together, and everything turns to crap." "Should I just go put my head in the oven?" "Elaine, you have to understand that people look up to you." "Welcome to my world." "Oh, well, thank you very much," "Mr. Smarty Pants, perfect person." "What's it like to be right all the time?" "Right now, not that great." " Well, I'm gonna go take another bath." " Okay." "Just please no herbs in the bathtub, because the, uh, drain looks like bruschetta." "(Exhales)" "(Whispers) Do what you want." "Aah!" "God!" "Whoa!" "Aah!" "(Laughs)" "Um... hi." "I know I'm hard to reach, but, um, you waiting outside my house is a little creepy." "Oh, I know." "My bad." "I-I don't normally do this." "It's just that I thought we had a really good time, and you keep blowing me off." "I owe you an explanation." "I know I've not been around lately, but I've been trying to get my ex laid, which immediately does sound weird when I say it out loud." "No!" "No, I mean..." "It's dysfunctional, but, uh, obviously, you care a lot for your ex." "I would never do something like that, but I get it." "That's real mature of you." "But weird, right?" "Not like webbed feet weird, but... (Laughs) Still, yeah." "So could I call you soon?" "Apparently, you're very intent on getting people laid, so yes." "(Laughs)" "(Sitar music playing)" "Oh, no." "What happened?" "Me." "Trapped in a spider web of my own making." "Oh, and some penises." "Got bored. (Sighs)" "Well, the whole iPad, fancy lady thing was a bust." "All my fault." "No." "It's all my fault." "I..." "like this." "Keep going." "I have got to be more aware of my influence." "Mm-hmm." "On you and Natalie." "Wait." "What happened with Natalie?" "Uh... nothing." "Well, something." " Something or nothing?" " No, nothing." "It's... well, something." "I'm not gonna take another bath." "My fingernails are coming off." "Nothing." "What was all your fault again?" "I feel terrible." "Julian is so mad at me." "Do I smell like cheese?" " You do." "It's a situation." " What?" "Look, you set out to do something nice for Julian, but at a certain point, it became less about him and more about you." "Well, it sucks that he would change for her..." " And not for me." " Mm-hmm." "But so what?" "Big deal." "Everybody deserves to find someone who makes them better." "Max makes me better." "Oh, and I definitely make him better." "You got all that from a bath?" "11 baths." "(Door creaks) Hey." "Hey." "Um... can we talk?" "Of course." "I'd like that." "I... (Sighs) Just want to apologize about earlier." "(Door creaks) I realized that I kind of was ma..." "Hey there." "Oh, my God." "I'm so sorry." "I had no idea that you two were, um..." "Did some sort of major spill happen that required the two of you to wash off?" "Spill?" "No." "So you guys were..." "In, uh..." "Recreational fashion?" "What can I say?" "I have a soft spot for well-meaning, lovable, bearded messes." "(Exhales)" "And I've got a soft spot right here." "Yes, you do." "(Laughs)" "Well, they've gotta invent a shoulder mount for these things." "My arm is on fire." "But if I hold it any lower," "I look like Jay leno." " Uh..." " Ah." " Pretty." " Yeah." "Okay, that's better." "(Laughs) I feel like I'm 8 feet tall." "I am so sorry for how I acted this week." "And thank you for being so understanding." "Hey, listen, I was inspired by you." "Okay?" "I thought about what you said, and I think it's a really good idea to be close to your ex, so I went over to her house to help hang some tapestry, and we... ended up getting back together." "Say hi, Denise." "(Mouth full) Hi, Polly." "Great." "You guys are such a cute couple." "(Giggles)" "(Sighs)" "Pol..." "Polly?" "Polly?" "Okay, we are here 'cause I love you, and I want to set a good example." "Can we get coffee after?" " No." " Yeah." "No." "(Mouths words)" "Hello, ma'am." "I am here because I have done a very bad thing." "I have stolen this slinky from your store, and I am here to return it because I realized how wrong it is." ""What's the catch?" You may ask." "Well... there isn't one." "I only ask that you pay it forward." "See, that's how grownups handle a situation when they make a mistake." "I think all of us learned something here today." "(Laughs)" "(Alarm blaring)" "Elaine?" " Run!" " What..." "Run!"