"So." "Did you get it?" "The folic acid?" "Oh you know I wanted to talk to you about that." "It sounded kinda dangerous." "You sure they sell that over the counter?" "Ha." "Forget it." "I'll just get it myself." "Great." "Now everyone wins." "Rose gave you an idiot-proof make-work project and you blew it." "It wasn't idiot-proof..." "I mean it wasn't a make-work project." "I know it wasn't." ""I'll get you folic acid"" "is just a thing people say." "Like, "Let's hang out sometime,"" "or "Of course I'll pick you up at the airport."" "Unbelievable." "You are no help at all." "I'll help with the fun stuff:" "Naming the baby." "Interviewing hot nannies." "Operating the breast pump." "It's not all fun stuff." "There are tests." "And appointments." "I have an ultrasound on Thursday." "Ultrasound?" "Now that is awesome." "I'm in." "He thinks it's X-Ray vision into your vagina." "Yeah, I'm not sure I'm comfortable having you there." "We hardly know each other." "I'm sorry." "Please." "Please." "Just give me this." "Nothing is more important." "The appointment is" "Thursday at 5:30 at the Roosevelt clinic." "Awesome." "I have a thousand followers on Twitter." "Okay, just tell me the time and place, and I'm there." "I used to give, give, give." "I gave to these two ladies." "That's my boy." "Oh, and I'm also their donor." "That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh." "And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too." "I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad." "Billy!" "Ohmygod!" "I'm fine, I'm just blowing bubbles." "Not that." "Why are you wearing a T-shirt in the pool?" "!" "Hey." "Why would you humiliate yourself like this?" "I don't wanna get a sun burn." "Indoors?" "Billy, don't be ashamed of your body;" "You're better than that." "I am?" "Yeah." "Your Moms scored my awesome genes from the sperm bank." "Only big boned kids wear their T-shirts in the pool." "Calling people big boned is mean." "Big boned is mean now?" "What's left?" "So big boned kids get their genes from" "Their fat parents." "You're missing the point." "You're a good looking kid." "You have nothing to be embarrassed about." "Well except maybe the water wings." "So I have better genes than most people?" "It's not that simple." "But yes." "Um, speaking." "You don't think I've seen this a million times?" "I'm not lying." "And now your father has to come all the way here to sort this mess out." "Take time out of his busy schedule." "Your daughter forged a note from your wife to avoid a math test." "Again." "My wife?" "Oh." "But you have no proof, do you?" "That my... daughter did that?" "Guilty until proven innocent?" "Is this a dictatorship or a school?" "This note is clearly a forgery." "Wow." "I see why you'd think that this is forged." "But Ana's mother is a doctor." "And like we know from bad stand-up comedy, all doctors have terrible handwriting." "I thought your wife was a psychologist." "She's a doctor too?" "Nope." "Really?" "She sure acts like it." "If you insist this is authentic, then you're both free to go." "Dad?" "I came as soon as I got your mother's message." "She had a patient..." "Harry?" "Don't worry." "I got this one." "Which one of you is the father?" "I am." "Both of us." "No." "No." "No." "Not at all." "I'm her father." "Harry's my sperm donor Dad." "Anastasia, shusshles" "So that's why the students have been talking about pregnancy and clinics?" "You told your friends?" "Your whole class knows?" "Of course not." "I only talk to the popular kids." "Hey is Harry here?" "Oh, yeah he's kinda busy..." "Okay." "Can you let him know..." "Oh God." "Is it fashion week already?" "Happy you." "Our annual tryst has arrived." "How do you score her every year?" "Cause God is a man, and he likes me." "He's my good luck charm." "I always book a huge project after we hook up." "You're having sex with him." "And you think you're the lucky one?" "My schedule is packed." "It's been a whirlwind since the Swimsuit cover." "Congrats." "I didn't know." "It's not like he has it laminated in the men's room." "I could slot you in" "Thursday afternoon between fittings." "Slot me." "Oh." "Rose's ultrasound." "You know, Friday's an underrated sex day..." "I can't change my schedule." "The fashion industry hates flakes." "How about right now?" "The bathroom stall doors go all the way to the floor." "You want to make love bent over a toilet?" "No." "Unless... that's what you were suggesting?" "I'm not some sex toy at your disposal." "And you're no prince, and this is not Dubai." "So have some respect, Harry." "Except on Thursday." "I just don't understand why Rose would want to be pregnant on her own." "It seems so sad and lonely." "Maybe she's going to sell the baby on the black market?" "That would at least make financial sense." "Cause I don't know how she's going to afford this." "Kids will bankrupt you." "So how was your swim lesson today, honey?" "I don't like my teacher." "You love Ms. Welch." "What happened?" "She's cross-eyed." "Why does that matter, sweetie?" "Are you okay?" "Did you almost drown again?" "Billy, we told you always swim to her right." "I don't like her cause her genes aren't as good as ours." "Where would you get that idea?" "From Harry." "There is no such thing bad genes." "Well except for the ones that cause disease." "Or ugliness." "We do not judge people by their looks." "Are you sure, Mom?" "Yeah." "Should I believe her?" "Yes of course, sweetie." "Even though she has big ears?" "Excuse me?" "What I did was wrong." "I don't deserve a new computer." "Until my birthday." "I'm being too hard on myself." "Nice try but" "But mistakes happen." "We can let this slide." "What?" "You're not gonna ground me?" "Well you're not twelve anymore." "Just promise you won't do it again." "Jonathan, we need to get out in front of this." "My daughter?" "Forging a note?" "Who cares about the note?" "We have to make sure she stops telling people that we used a sperm donor." "It's emasculating." "You told people about Harry?" "I'm not ashamed of it." "Honey, you need to be ashamed." "You're a child therapist, tell her." "I am a child therapist." "And we need to understand that this is a very unique situation." "Hmmm." "Your story needs to be shared, Ana." "To a peer-reviewed journal." "See." "Mom thinks I should tell people." "Whoa whoa whoa whoa." "We don't tell anyone." "Ever." "Look, I know Harry has brought up a lot of feelings." "But we all need to push them down and ignore them." "No, your father's right." "Talk to no-one, until I get the case study published." "Mommy doesn't want to be scooped." "Ana can discuss it in therapy when she's much older and I am very dead." "I'll tell whoever I want." "Your co-workers." "Your clients." "Your golf buddies." "You're grounded!" "How does this make you feel?" "Is everything okay?" "What did you want to talk about?" "I know you're uncomfortable with me going to the ultrasound." "I get it-it's intimate." "I want to be there." "But I want what's best for you." "I shouldn't go." "It's true" "I'd probably feel better going alone." "It hurts." "But the right decision is often the hard one." "Thanks for your sensitivity." "Oh, of course, and..." "I got you that folic acid." "There you go." "Maybe, if you're okay with it," "I could go to the next ultrasound?" "Oh." "Thanks, Harry." "It's sweet you put my feelings first." "You should come to this ultrasound." "What?" "No." "No?" "I um, just picked up a shift." "You picked up a shift in the two seconds since I walked away?" "Yes." "No." "I told Irene that I would work the shift if you didn't want me to go." "And you said I wasn't going." "So I can't go back on my word." "That'd be flaky." "Let's ask." "Irene?" "Yup, have to work the shift now." "I'm a slave driver." "Ugh." "Darn." "So unfair." "You, uh, got a text." "Relax, I didn't look at it." "Heh." "That's okay it's just from my... grandmother." "She sends me pie recipes." "Tech-savvy Nana." "So you're planning to have sex with your Grandma." "That's disgusting." "You read my text!" "Liar." "Me?" "You're the one who's ditching me, us, for a pair of boobs!" ""Will pick you up at five." ""Leave your respect at the bar." Classy." "In his defense, she is a super model." "That's like three regular models." "Or like, two dozen hand models." "Here, look." "Huh?" "You know what?" "I'm relieved." "You've made this really easy on me." "I can't count on you for anything." "What a load off my mind." "Phew." "You're overreacting." "You can count on me." "I've got a lot on my plate, you couldn't just chew me out over the phone?" "What did you tell Billy?" "All of a sudden he's more judgmental than the queens at our Oscar party." "Sorry." "It must have really hurt your feelings to hear Billy call someone big boned." "Why would you think I'd be offended?" "No reason." "Maybe it wasn't cool for me to say that people should be ashamed of the way they look." "That was kind of wrong." "Totally wrong." "Totally." "I'm just worried he'll hurt peoples' feelings." "He told me I wasn't going to be a good swimmer because my boobs were two different sizes." "That is terrible." "Okay, so our message is:" "'We accept everyone, no matter how they look.' Agreed?" "Agreed." "And they are slightly asymmetrical." "Kid's got a good eye." "Where's Harry?" "He's right here working his shift." "Oh wait, no he's not." "He's out dealing with a sperm kid." "This whole situation has totally screwed me over." "Yeah, it's been a little hard for me too." "He shouldn't be involved with those kids, or you, or the lesbians." "Agreed!" "He should leave us all alone." "Thank God he's blowing off Rose's ultrasound." "Absolut-He's making her go alone?" "Yeah." "That's cold." "Sorry." "Billy started doing..." "Jonathan?" "I think we all agree this sperm thing has blown up in our faces." "We need damage control." "Anastasia's telling people that she's a sperm donor child." "People are talking." "So what?" "So, it's private." "And now the world is laughing at us." "You're paranoid." "This is like having a zit." "No ones cares about it but you." "Look." "Just because Anastasia's telling her friends about me doesn't make you less her Dad." "You make the sacrifices." "You're her real father." "Everyone knows that." "Really?" "Hey." "My kid's at Anastasia's school." "You're Anastasia's dad, right?" "Yes." "Yes I am." "Well, not her "dad" dad." "But" "No." "I just wanted to drop off all your stuff I had." "Your donor file, your completely out-of-date photo, the pen I stole from the clinic..." "Oh God, is that a sample of my...?" "No, no." "I spilled my yogurt." "Now we're done, so..." "Wait." "I want you to have this." "Because I'm not going to have this." "I'm gonna bail on her." "Who cares if she's a hot model." "You do." "You mention it every time we meet." "Frankly, I don't think people have been sufficiently impressed." "I understand that being a parent is about sacrifice." "So I'm canceling my date." "Going to the ultrasound is more important." "Is this really her on the cover?" "Yeah, I guess it is." "She's also on pages 27 to 33." "You'd give her up for me?" "For you, and the baby." "You'll never get close to this level of hotness again." "Never say never." "Low self esteem sometimes meets alcohol." "But yeah, it's a long shot." "Wow." "I don't know what to say, Harry." "Forgive me, and let me go to the ultrasound?" "I'm having a baby, that's my thing." "But this model, she's your little miracle." "I wouldn't say 'miracle' I mean..." "I want to do the ultrasound alone." "You want to do her." "It's a win-win." "No I really think you should let me go with you" "Do her, for us." "So there's still an 'us'?" "Yeah." "Fine." "I'll have sex with a swimsuit model." "For you and the baby." "Oh god." "Oh, hello." "This is Peter and this is Rat." "It's nice to meet you." "Excuse me." "We're just late for our appointment with safety." "Okay you can't be talking to people like that." "Why?" "Well don't they scare you?" "They smell like pee." "But you said not to judge people." "Yeah well sometimes you need to judge people." "Okay." "I need my math book." "I'm sure it's in the car" " Rat loves math." "He's a "math addict."" "I told him we could do math together!" "Okay when we said you have to accept everybody, we don't really mean, you know, everybody." "Do you understand?" "Nope." "You bought her that computer?" "You can't buy her love back." "She won't talk to me." "And her love was on sale." "We need to form a united front and you are clearly undermining that." "Is that a new laptop?" "It's for work." "And for Ana to write her intro to my case study:" ""New Family Norms:" "Coming Out of the Sperm Closet."" "Well she can use my laptop to write a blog." "And she can lie and say that she made the whole sperm thing up." "And in time, we'll all believe it ourselves." "You really think she's going to keep" "Harry a secret for a lousy computer?" "I'll buy her a car!" "Okay we need to move this along." "My date's picking me up in a minute." "She's from the Swimsuit Issue!" "I think-No-What?" "" "What about Rose's ultrasound?" "This is what she wants, and I have to support her." "She looks... smart." "Can I see?" "No!" "Alright quick version of this conversation;" "Don't talk to weird looking people." "But I can't judge people on their looks?" "You have to trust your instincts." "When someone looks like they could be dangerous, or politically conservative, you should stay away." "And I can tell if they're dangerous by how they look?" "Yes." "Like the color of their skin?" "No no." "No no no no no." "What about glasses?" "Nerds are smart, smart is okay." "But if they're wearing sunglasses and drive a van - dangerous." "Bald people?" "That's fine." "Steer clear of comb-overs." "Oh." "OK." "I get it." "No, honey." "No, you don't." "You shouldn't just judge people by how they look." "You judge them on their life choices." "Yeah." "Drug addicts make bad choices, so don't hang out with them." "Same goes for alcoholics..." "Unless they're good tippers." "I think we've heard enough from Harry's perspective." "Yeah, I gotta run." "But you always say Harry makes bad choices." "We don't say that." "Oh I do." "Yeah." "For instance Harry is choosing to go on a date, leaving the mother of his child alone at the ultrasound." "Does that sound like a good choice?" "She begged me to go out with the model." "Why wouldn't you believe that?" "And Rose is bad, because she's having a baby by herself?" "I get it." "Well that's um..." "I don't think..." "Well I never." "Some discretion, ladies." "I'm off to bang a hot model!" "See ya." "Are you waiting for someone?" "Just me." "All alone." "It's very empowering." "It's like when you watch a sunset, and you think, "Yeah, so glad I don't have to share this moment with anybody."" "More ultrasound for me." "Billy?" "Rose." "You don't have to do this alone." "Michelle?" "We're here to support your decision to do this by yourself." "By joining me?" "It's female solidarity." "You got a problem with that?" "Just it's a very a private momen" "We're not late, are we?" "I think it's great that you're pretending like Harry doesn't exist." "Enough, Dad!" "Can you drop it?" "!" "We're here to support you." "Even though Harry is not." "That's very nice." "I don't remember handing out invitations to the imaging of my uterus" "Did I miss anything?" "Harry." "Hey guys." "I told you he's a good dad." "I have to be on that runway in fifty-two minutes." "Unbelievable." "I know." "I'm stunning." "But let's not make this about me." "You brought a date to your baby's ultrasound." "We can compromise, Rose." "Both my dreams can come true." "Let's do it!" "I'm sorry;" "You thought I'd be okay with this?" "Do you mind if I get started?" "Please, everyone out." "Me too?" "You too." "This might take a while." "Well that's kinda neat you've got a little baby brother or sister on the way." "Yeah." "Yeah it is, Mom." "Okay, would you classify this new information as mildly, somewhat, or very positive news?" "I've, uh, been a bit hard on you." "No you haven't." "Oh, I've been mocking you for having a baby on your own." "Uh, why are you telling me this?" "'Cause it takes a lot of guts to do this without a man." "Or woman." "And I respect that." "You need anything, you just call me or Zoey." "Okay?" "But, try Zoey first." "'Cause she's around more." "Whaddaya think of that?" "Meh." "She's too skinny." "You are such a good boy." "But just because she looks like that, doesn't mean she's a bad person." "I'm pretty sure she's a bad person." "See, everybody judges people, Billy." "That's life." "Just have the decency to do it behind peoples' backs." "Yeah I got this." "What's the catch?" "I have to tell everyone in the waiting room that Harry's just my uncle?" "Can you cut me a little break?" "You mind if I get a coconut water?" "Nice find." "Way to score the sugar daddy." "Ew gross." "That's my daddy daddy." "I thought Harry was your dad." "And he was a hedge fund manager or something." "Harry's my sperm donor." "He's my actual father." "And if you look at him again," "I'll tear off your fake nose." "That's my girl." "You know, using a sperm donor is my issue to deal with." "Not yours." "Don't worry so much." "No matter what," "I'll always love you more than Mom." "I can see the heartbeat." "Whoa, me too!" "It's a boy!" "That's the leg." "It's too early to know the sex." "It's the most amazing thing ever." "Why don't parents ever talk about how cool this is?" "Do you want a picture?" "Yes." "Your baby has good bone structure." "You ready?" "I uh..." "Am I?" "I'm really glad you came." "Really." "Go have your meaningless fling." "You sure?" "This isn't a test?" "Of course not." "Really." "I'm good!" "Please go!" "Ok." "If you're done with this" "I'm sorry." "Woah that is a big leg." "Ten minutes." "Plenty of time." "My life is so empty and meaningless." "I want a baby." "Harry, can you give me a baby?" "And so ends the dream." "Hey." "If you get published in this journal, it's going to do wonders for your career." "Just let me know if there's anything I can do." "That is so sweet..." "Seriously?" "I was going to get you a swimsuit." "A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared." "But Fermat, he tried cubing the denominators." "Math addicts."