"(upbeat march plays)" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶" "¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶" "¶ And he's shining a salute to the American race ¶" "¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say" "¶ Good..." "¶ Good morning, USA" "Aah!" "¶ Good morning, USA!" "It's Thanksgiving, Klaus." "You know what that means." "(horns blare)" "A whole day of watching football in my underwear, ending with my Redskins destroying the Cowboys." "Well done, sir." "Won him at a school auction." "What are you waiting for, Stan?" "We've only got four hours of pre-game left." "(gasps) I'll go make the nachos." "Hurry!" "They're waking up Jimmy Johnson!" "Jimmy..." "Jimmy..." "Stan, put your pants on." "No can do, Francine." "This is the first Thanksgiving in years where we won't be entertaining any guests." "I won't have to put on any airs, and I certainly won't be putting on my pants." "But we are entertaining." "My parents will be here any minute." "Your parents are coming?" "(groans)" "We talked about this." "Stan, I'm gonna invite my parents for Thanksgiving." "But then I thought about it and the next day I told you..." "You know what, Francine?" "Your parents at Thanksgiving, that's not gonna work for me." "Oh, and, Steve, you'll have to find someone else to pick you up after your eye surgery today." "(door slides open) It's about time, Dad." "Hey, can we stop for pizza?" "(door slides shut)" "Stan, it is a family holiday, after all." "That's right." "Our family." "Not your parents." "It's bad enough you and the kids have to be here." "Well, I'm sorry, Stan." "But growing up in a Chinese household, we never had Thanksgiving." "I wanted to introduce 'em to it." "Francine, I'm not running a master class in Thanksgiving." "Well, I invited 'em and they're coming and that's that." "Okay, but they eat alone in the garage, out of trash bags, and use the neighbor's bathroom." "Can we at least agree to that?" "No!" "How about they have full yard privileges, two unrefrigerated sodas apiece, and at the end of the night I'll say a chilly good-bye to the parent of your choosing?" "Do we have a deal?" "I'll ask you again in the car." "You stay here." "ANNOUNCER:" "If you're just tuning in now, things are really heating up!" "Both teams have almost completely checked out of their hotels." "ANNOUNCER #2:" "That's right." "And with three hours until the coin toss it is still anybody's game!" "Hmm." "What's wrong, man?" "Francine's parents are coming." "They're totally gonna ruin the Thanksgiving I had planned." "(doorbell rings)" "They're here." "Aw, this is gonna suck." "I got it!" "(speaking Chinese gibberish)" "Ah, your Chinese gibberish very mediocre." "Either really learn language or go broader." "Just so you know, there's gonna be football on today." "I don't expect you to understand." "It's an American thing." "U-S-A!" "U-S-A!" "U-S-A!" "Come on, buddy, you got to join me or I look like a total jerk." "U-S-A!" "U-S-A!" "Man, I-I want to, but I don't know the words." "Hello, Granddaughter." "We share room tonight." "Aw, you look sad." "What's wrong?" "Greasy face got you down?" "No, I-I'm sad because this is the first Thanksgiving" "I've spent without Jeff." "Let me tell you what my mom tell me when I was your age:" ""Man you love die in space so you marry Bah Bah now."" "We need find you new man." "Thanks, Mah Mah, but I'm just not over Jeff." "That's because you still surrounded by him." "Reminders everywhere." "You need to get rid of his stuff." "Hey, that was mine!" "Sorry." "Here." "Use my pipe till I replace." "It work real good, make you cough a lot." "(Chinese folk music playing)" "Francine, what the hell's goin' on in here?" "It should smell like turkey and stuffing, not a medley of longevity-inducing vegetables." "Stan, this is my mom's famous stir-fry." "I thought we could have it instead of sweet potatoes." "But that's not Thanksgiving!" "I don't want to see this tiny corn!" "I don't want to see your tiny corn!" "Put on some pants!" "I'm not changing the way I dress on this most American of days." "This is traditional American Thanksgiving garb." "You know how you guys always wear karate outfits?" "Well, this is Uncle Sam's version of that." "Stan, just go watch some football." "I'll call you when dinner's ready." "KLAUS:" "Stan, quick!" "They're bringing out the turducken!" "ANNOUNCER #2:" "This year FOX has genetically engineered an actual living turducken." "(screeching) Those are its screams." "Its every step is agony." "What the hell?" "I try to make picture better." "No, please, God, no." "Aiya, picture better before." "(screams)" "Stan, what's wrong?" "!" "Your dad broke the TV!" "My holiday is ruined!" "Steve!" "Your Thanksgiving marionettes!" "This is the perfect time for them!" "(Steve screams)" "I just got to untangle them and I'll be right down!" "Disaster averted." "Francine, how long have we been married without me raising a hand to you?" "Look, if you want your television fixed, call the Nerd Squad." "Yes!" "A squad of nerds!" "They'll know what to do!" "What's the number?" "I'll call them, but in the meantime, can you at least make an effort to get along with my family?" "(sighs) I'll try." "As long as her parents are in this house," "I can't enjoy the Thanksgiving I deserve." "We have to get rid of them." "Oh, my God." "Are you suggesting an organized and systematic..." "No." "All right, Klaus, we're the Pilgrims and Francine's parents are the Indians." "If we want to save this Thanksgiving, we've got to get them out of this house." "Okay, first, you're calling yourself a Pilgrim, but you're dressed like an Indian." "It's very confusing." "Second, didn't the Pilgrims invite the Indians to dinner?" "Klaus, you're missing the point." "It might not have even happened." "It's just a story that teaches us to treat each other nicely." "Now, we got to get these stupid idiots out of our house!" "I see." "And how do you plan to do that?" "Why, exploit their fears, of course." "And throughout time, what has consistently been the Chinese people's greatest enemy?" "Roar!" "(screaming)" "Godzilla Japanese." "(howling)" "I'm the ghost of Genghis Khan!" "I just got through your Great Wall, and I'm going to plunder your culture!" "Actually, not all Chinese people think of Genghis Khan as scary." "Many Chinese view him as great military leader who laid down groundwork for the third new dynasty." "Francine, I bought a horse." "(door opens)" "Ferocious panda on the loose!" "Run!" "Run for your lives!" "It's got a gun!" "Huh." "I don't know why you guys are terrified of these things." "We're not." "We love them." "I knew it was one of the two." "Francine, I bought a panda." "Stupid Bah Bah." "Ruining my Thanksgiving Day football." "KLAUS (grunts):" "Now?" "Do you see anything now?" "No, keep trying." "Stan, I'm completely immersed in water." "Maybe I am not the one to be futzing with the TV." "Oh, don't be such a baby." "(yelps)" "Ooh, ooh!" "You almost had it!" "Wh-Whatever you did, do it again!" "(doorbell rings)" "Nerd Squad." "I'm Trevor." "Your wife called, your TV's out." "Oh, Roger, awesome!" "I said it's Trevor." "Wait, do you really know what you're doing or is this just a disguise?" "Sir, I have a family, too, that I would like to spend Thanksgiving with, so if you can just show me your TV." "It's right here." "Oh, wow, it usually takes me a half hour to find those." "Perfect, Stan!" "If Roger fixes the TV, then maybe Francine's parents can stay after all." "MAH MAH:" "Francine, where do you recycle your chicken heads?" "No." "No, if I don't put a stop to this now, they're just gonna come back every year." "Oh, I just realized this thing is tubeless." "That might be a problem." "Jeremy, it's Trev." "We're gonna have to open up a new ticket." "Stan, why you pay good money?" "I could fix." "You don't need to call Nerd Brigade." "Sir, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to step in here." "I am from the Nerd Squad, okay?" "The Nerd Brigade wishes they were the Nerd Squad." "Trust me, all right?" "Trust me on that." "Ask anyone who does audiovisual in the Langley Falls area and they will tell you that they prefer the Nerd Squad all... day..." "long." "Okay?" "Y-You want me to wait?" "You want me to wait here for you while you ask anyone in town?" "'Cause I'll be here." "I'll be right here fixing your TV right." "The first time." "On Thanksgiving." "You know what I'm thankful for?" "Huh?" "I am thankful that I work for the best damn home theater installation company in town." "The Nerd Squad!" "Oh, that's right." "I work for the other one." "Jeremy, we're gonna have to give a customer a free cable." "Um, put it under Code 60, Customer Satisfaction." "I'll just give him a three-foot HDMI." "It'll only go from the receiver to the TV." "He can't use it for anything else." "(sighs)" "This was his greatest invention, a snowboard with wheels on it." "For sidewalks." "Hi-ya." "Okay, you got rid of Jeff's stuff." "First step done." "Next step, get you new man." "I appreciate that, Mah Mah, but it's just not that easy." "Oh, it not easy?" "'Cause it already done." "Big Wang Bai!" "Uh, what?" "Big Wang Bai!" "He your new boyfriend." "His grandma and I frenemies." "He big success." "Wear clothes by Ralph Lauren." "Okay..." "You need more?" "Fine!" "I show you." "See?" "Look." "Big Wang ride Segway in downtown Long Beach." "Big Wang never let his Groupons expire." "He pose on Ferrari!" "Hey, Ferraris." "Those cost money." "Shh!" "You missing Big Wang wearing white button-down and jeans and taking picture with friends." "Then, he goes to party and wear all white, even string in puka shell necklace white!" "He bad boy for life." "Oh, he order extra large Blizzard at Dairy Queen and finish!" "Mmm." "Where are you puttin' it, Big Wang?" "Wait." "What am I thinking?" "Big Wang Bai too good for Hayley." "But not too good for Mah Mah." "I guess it wouldn't hurt to contact him." "No, no, no." "No, he no right for you." "But I thought..." "He taken!" "But it says here he's single." "(gong bangs)" "What was that for?" "Haven't you ever seen The Gong Show?" "You lose!" "Get out!" "But it's my room." "(banging gong)" "Yeah, you're all set." "You got all your channels now, although, unfortunately, because of a licensing dispute, you currently don't get AE, TBS, FX, AMC or ESPN." "But you do get our satellite radio package, featuring Reggae Sunsets  on channel 1,200." "Great!" "I can't thank you enough." "Oh, well, if you feel that way, and you get a call from my company about completing a survey about the service, it'd be a big help to me if you mentioned my name." "Oh, yeah, definitely." "Thank you so much." "What's my name?" "Rrr... uh, Rizz..." "Rizzoli?" "Rizzoli and Isles?" "I associate Rizzoli and Isles with cable." "Are you one of them?" "Just for that, I'm giving you Starz and Encore." "Have fun flippin' past 'em." "(door opens and closes)" "(sighs, indistinct voices on TV)" "Look at that, Stan." "The TV's fixed." "This Thanksgiving might be salvaged yet." "I told you." "It's no longer about the TV." "We've got to flush these Chinese Indians off our land." "FRANCINE:" "Stan, honey, dinner." "(Stan coughing)" "Oh." "Oh, gang, bad news." "Bad news, especially for anyone old and Chinese." "I just got back from the doctor, and the results show I'm positive for bird flu." "This just receipt from Arby's." "How you eat ten beef and cheddars?" "They were sliders!" "Hey, that's my chair!" "I am guest, which makes it my chair." "Stan, just sit somewhere else." "But that's my chair!" "Don't be such a baby!" "And take the trash out before we eat." "It's stinking up the house." "'Sup?" "I'm Big Wang Bai." "This the..." "Smith house?" "They're all inside." "Big Wang Bai?" "What are you doing here?" "Who invite you?" "I did, Mah Mah." "You whore!" "Big Wang, have you met my grandmotherMah Mah?" "No, I haven't." "Hello." "I'm Big Wang Bai." "My mother's told me all about you." "(Mah Mah moaning)" "I-I'm sorry." "I no want to meet this way." "I must put on face cream and holiday wig." "You want me to take out the trash?" "I'll take out the Mah Mah and Bah Bah." "'Cause they're trash." "They're the ones stinking up the house." "'Cause they're stinkers." "They're a couple of stinkers." "Aah!" "Why don't I ever think of these things in the moment?" "Hey!" "They threw out my Redskins headdress!" "Look at them." "They've taken over my home." "Oh, my God." "I'm not the Pilgrim." "I'm the Indian, and I've lost my home." "I belong nowhere." "I guess I walk the land now." "(whistles)" "Here, Dixie Cup!" "(tires squeak)" "(engine revving)" "Easy, girl." "Easy." "(thudding, tires squeaking)" "(tires squealing)" "I've been displaced." "I must wander, seeking a land where I might belong." "At least I have the radio to keep me company." "MAN (on radio):" "Coming up next, 20 minutes of reflective silence." "Perfect." "(tires squeal)" "You ever eat here before?" "Every year." "Must be good." "Excuse me, you can't eat here." "You're not homeless." "How'd you know?" "You're wearing a wedding ring, which means you haven't sold it for drugs." "Your eyebrows are well-groomed, suggesting a recent visit to the salon." "And while I smell beer on your breath, it has a whiff of the..." "Dutch lowlands, which means it's imported." "And only homeowners drink imported beer." "Shirley, you got to come back to the force." "You were the best detective this city ever had." "Sorry, I feel like I make a bigger difference recognizing who's not homeless." "The stadium." "Packed with Redskins fans." "I may have just found my people." "(cheering)" "(two beeps)" "Ticket, please." "Oh, I don't have one, but trust me," "I need to be in there." "It's where I belong." "So, you don't have a ticket?" "No, but I'm a Redskins fan." "I've been here since the beginning." "Oh." "Okay, well, here's how the system works." "You need a ticket." "Oh, I-I have one right here!" "Sir, that's a receipt from Arby's, and I'm not gonna touch it, because, from what I can tell, its been in your underpants." "(with Southern accent):" "Hey, man, Redskins suck!" "I just want to pass!" "I seek no fight, nor do I offer it!" "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy now, partner." "You didn't let me finish." "I was gonna say that Redskins suck, but Redskins fans are just fine in my book, and welcome to partake of our bounty." "(with Southern accent):" "I'm always tellin' him to structure his sentences better." "I'm Laura." "This is Marvin." "You up for a tailgate, hon?" "Thanks, but winter is upon me, and I'm close to death." "I need to get somewhere warm." "Well, hell, there's plenty of warmth right here." "Tonight's foam finger night, and these East Coast folks love to litter." "Let me show you a little cowboy trick." "(sighs)" "I feel like I'm nestled in the womb of a Nerf lady." "Oh, yeah, pretty warm, right?" "Now how about a nice, cold beer?" "Now, hold on there, chief." "Those ain't free." "I'm sorry." "I don't have any money." "Well, that's good, 'cause we only accept these." "Up high!" "Now you're talkin', Geronimo!" "Let's sit down and talk trash about each other's teams." "Marvin, 911!" "We just ran out of propane!" "Shoot, we'll never get the grill up to 400 degrees now!" "Ain't no tailgate without properly seared turkey burgers." "Okay, everyone, pack it up." "We're drivin' back to Texas." "Wait!" "Did you say 400 degrees?" "Marvin, Laura, it's time for me to give back to you." "(engine revving, burgers sizzling)" "Three minutes in neutral at 5,000 RPMs!" "That engine block's at precisely 400 degrees." "(whoops) Yay!" "Yee-haw!" "I think you're an amazing girl, but I'm just not sure this is gonna work." "(crying)" "Not even with youthful holiday wig?" "I would say especially  with youthful holiday wig." "Come on, Mah Mah." "Everyone's waiting to eat dessert and is very embarrassed for you." "(crying)" "Sorry about that." "You want to come downstairs and have some pie?" "Or stay up here and do the same?" "Sorry, Hayley." "I've made other dessert plans." "Hayley, you didn't think" "I was gonna let Big Wang slip through my fingers, did you?" "Come on, I've still got two big installs tonight, but only one more job to do, if you get my drift." "(humming)" "Marvin, Laura, various other hicks, that was the best Thanksgiving dinner I've ever had." "Who is this guy?" "!" "Exactly!" "Who am I?" "Who am I to you?" "Me, a Redskins fan, you, all Cowboy fans." "(whooping)" "(whooping) Anyone seen my kid?" "(whooping)" "We couldn't be more opposite on this day." "But you welcomed me into your parking space and taught me how to survive." "'Course we did, Stan." "'Cause where we come from," "Thanksgiving's about sharing diverse cultures, no matter who you are or how much your team sucks." "Or how Chinese you are!" "(whooping)" "Seriously, I'm gonna be in real trouble if I can't find him." "(whooping)" "I'm home!" "I made it home!" "Stan, where have you been?" "!" "You took the trash out hours ago!" "I've been to a wonderful place." "I was tailgating in the parking lot with Cowboys fans." "They taught me how to make a vest out of foam fingers, and I taught them how to cook burgers on my car." "And I learned the true meaning of Thanksgiving." "That you should accept everyone, no matter their team colors or their skin color or... or how horrible they are." "Oh, that's sweet, Stan." "Wait." "Why would there be Cowboys fans at the Redskins game?" "The Cowboys always play in Dallas on Thanksgiving." "What?" "They're gonna ask at Comic-Con." "We better have an answer!" "Captioned by MediaAccessGroupatWGBH  access.wgbh.org" "Bye!" "Have a beautiful time."