"thank u for a lovely dinner you're welcome" "good night wait wait, wait." "are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?" "i don't need to be tucked, charlie." "oh, come on, everybody need a good tucking once in a while." "well, then go tuck yourself." "i guess i'll have to." "i'm not saying no, i'm just saying not now." "i understand." "good night." "good night." "how about now?" "funny." "i wasn't going for a laugh." "come on, luther." "rose?" "nah, couldn't be." "i'm so backed up i'm literally cockeyed." "hot girl at 12:00" "where?" "over there." "that would be 9:00." "no, it's 12:00." "actually, 12:05." "12-ish." "you want to straighten him out,or should i?" "go ahead, take a swing." "okay." "The reason guys say hot girl at like 12:00 or 3:00 is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map." "what if you have a digital watch?" "first of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you wear a digital watch." "and second of all,it doesn't matter." "the clock face is imaginly." "then how do you know what time you saw the girl?" "you know what, i'm wrong." "there's a hot girl,and it's 12:06 -check hey, he likes girls and he can tell time." "i'm a happy dad." "hello, your honor. what's up?" "your honor?" "oh, your uncle's dating a judge." "this weekend?" "sure, it sounds great." "you mean like an american idol judge?" "no, a real judge." "american idol judges are real, dad." "so what, we'd be staying adjoining rooms?" "no, no, no,one room is fine." "why is he dating a judge?" "he's trying to get out sth?" "no, more like he's trying to get into something." "good one you understood that?" "not really." "that's how i knew it was good." "oh, yeah,that's a very romantic hotel." "i've stayed there... never in my life." "right." "okay, talk to u later santa barbara this weekend." "one room." "oh, now i get it." "congratulations." "thank you." "son of a gun alan.look." "what?" "the blonde.what... 12:08." "she, she looks like rose." "couldn't be." "she's still in england, right?" "last i heard." "i got a postcard from her the other day." "really?" "what did it say?" "oh, well, let's see... dear jake, how are you?" "i am fine." "hope you're doing well in school." "ha-ha." "i think that's a joke 'cause she knows i struggle in my grade let's see, what else...oh, yeah." ""say hello from england to every body."" "hello from england." "well, there you go." "she's in england." "i guess." "so why do i keep thinking i see her?" "maybe u miss her -i don't think so.." "i mean, i was a little down when she left, which is to be expected, but i've got linda now and i've moved on and why the hell am i talking to you about my personal life?" "because i'm a good listener?" "because you have no other friends?" "after this we're dropping him off at his mother's, right?" "yep." "dear charlie... greetings from faggy old london." "greetings from foggy old london." "hope you're doing well and not working too hard. ha-ha things are going great for me." "i love my job and my flat and my new friends." "sometimes my life in malibu feels like a crazy dream hope you can forgive me for all my bizarre behavior and know that i will always remember you fondly your friend, rose ps give my best to alan i'm sure by now he's found a place of his own. ha-ha" "what you got there?" "it's a letter from rose." "really?" "that come today?" "a few months ago." "i just never got around to reading it." "i notice you didn't toss it out." "what's that supposed to mean?" "charlie, of all the broads who stagged bare-ass through the hell of holes she's the one who really got to you." "yeah, she got to me." "she put a sleeping pill in my scotch and superglued my testles to my leg you just can't get past that,can you?" "well, it doesn't matter." "i'm a real relationship now with an incredible woman-- a judge,a constitutional scholar, a woman who may one day may be a state senator." "but does she care although to line her mittens with hair she collects from your shower drain?" "i don't know yet.we're going slow." "really?" "yes.we're getting to know each other as people before we jump into bed and get to know each other as, you know, animals." "justo me a favor and make the first time at her place, cause you're gonna spring forth like a water wiggle." "charlie?" "charlie?" "i need your help." "if you're doing laundry, all i can say is you're doing it wrong." "no, no, the lady i've been seeing, you know,linda's friend donna?" "uh, she wants to... how shall we say... take it up a notch." "yeah, so?" "i'm out of notches." "what do you need?" "a younger man's penis." "ah. my nightstand, top drawer, next to the pingpong paddle... take one with water and stall her for 20 minutes." "thanks." "alan -yeah?" "don't those hurt?" "hell, yeah." "why don't you take 'em off?" "there's a penalty involed." "long story." "i can tell you how it ends." "lovely dinner yeah, the food was great." "it's a beautiful room." "yeah, room's great." "nice view." "yep, view's great." "oh, for god's sake." "who is it?" "room service, ser." "we didn't order anything." "uh, champagne,compliments of the hotel can you slip from the door charlie don't move don't change our mind." "you wanna i open?" "no, thank you." "okay, good night." "gracias." "charlie... yeah?" "i'm waiting." "for what?" "oh, right." "hang on." "what are you doing to the rose?" "i just don't want it looking at me." "what's going on in school i started algebra." "oh. how's that going?" "i don' get it at all but the teacher's really hot." "well, that's nice." "yeah. she's got nice racks i think you mean "rack."" "no, she's got two,and they're gi-normous!" "it's kinda cool that she's teaching alge-bra." "nothing?" "boy, that killed in detention." "oh, hey.how was santa barbara?" "that's spanish for "city of great racks."" "alan, i got no patience for your kid today." "go do your homework." "oh, right. i have a big reading ass-signment." "you're not my audience." "remember when he was cute the memory is fading." "so how was your big night with linda?" "fine." "just fine?" "yes. just... fine." "oh... i... see." "no... you... don't." "all right. want to talk about it?" "oh, golly, alan, I want more than anything!" "okay, never mind." "stew in it." "thank you." "i finally got to step up to the plate, and i was swinging a garden hose." "you happy?" "i'm not sad." "what do you think the problem was?" "i saw her again -saw who?" "rose. she brought champagne to our hotel room, expect, this time, she was hispanic" "what was she last time?" "last time, she was a blonde with coffee, and the time before that, she was a redhead with a dog." "what kind of dog?" "what difference does it make?" "i like dogs." "go on." "if i didn't know any better, i'd say she was stalking me again." "from england?" "we don't know she's in england!" "she sends letters and postcards." "jake gets them all the time." "oh, come on!" "like she couldn't leave a stack of them with some friend to mail every few days?" "wow.are you listening to yourself?" "even rose isn't that crazy." "oh, and she's going to fly back and forth with a dog?" "she could hire a local dog." "charlie, rose is in england. she's not stalking you." "and whatever you think you're seeing is in your head." "yes, you probably right. regardless last night was less than a triumph." "why didn't you just take one of your pills?" "because somebody else took my last three." "oh, yeah." "thank you." "thank you thank you, thank you." "that's four." "first one was two-fer." "what kind of dog?" "i don't know. it was a dog!" "four legs and a tail." "can we please get back to my problem?" "not a dog person." "so, you believe you're seeing people who aren't there." "no, no, no, no, no." "they're there, but they're not who they are well, then who are they?" "i don't know who they are, but they all look like rose." "your stalker." "well, that's kind of harsh." "you told me she broke into your home, disrobed, and handcuffed herself to your refrigerator." "well, just the one time." "so why do i keep seeing her everywhere i go?" "well, gee, charlie if i tell you that now, what'll we do for the rest of the hour?" "i'm joshing." "why don't we talk about your current relationship?" "linda?" "well, let's see.she's a municipal court" "very impressive -thank you i meant for her, charlie." "it's hardly your accomplishment, now, is it?" "well, yeah in a way." "i've never done a judge before." "well from what you told me, you still haven't." "pays to listen." "so how old is linda?" "she's about my age." "wow. this the first time you've been with women that old?" "oh, no. not at all." "so you've had age-appropriate relationship before?" "relationships?" "no no are you crazy am i crazy?" "npot-kettle, charlie?" "okay, look, i didn't come to therapy to talk this death." "i've seen rose three times, and it's ruining my sex life with linda." "can you help me, or do i have to learn to shoot pool with a rope?" "well, thank you for that disturbing image." "best i can tell, charlie, for the first time in your life, you are involved in an adult relationship." "it's challenging. maybe even a little intimidating." "and the fact that you're fantasizing about a woman in england who idolized you beyond all rational measure?" "well, that tells me that you're afraid to grow up." "we call that the peter pan syndrome." "that's pretty good." "so what can we do?" "you know, peter-wise?" "if you're committed to personal growth, you'll walk through your fear and embrace the challenges of a really meaningful relationship with an adult woman." "and you only other choice is to live the emotionallynly stunted lifer choice you've been living over and over, never growing and never changing." "good afternoon and welcome to aboard British Airways flight 471 nonstop to london's heathrow airport" "charlie?" "surprise." "what are you doing here?" "i'm not sure.i just needed to see you." "i needed to talk to you." "and i can come back if now is not a good time." "no, no. it's okay." "i know you've probably moved on." "i thought i had, too." "but, everywhere i look,i keep seeing your face, so i start thinking maybe... i don't know what i'm thinking." "are you... are you busy?" "can i take you out for a cold beer or something?" "actually,at this side of the po we drink beer warm you can still catch on buzz, right?" "oh, yeah." "then warm's fine." "okay. well,i'll just get my purse" "so i'm not screwing up any plans of yours?" "no. this fits perfectly into my plans." "linda." "hi -alan.i'm... i'm sorry to show up unannounced, but charlie haven't been answering his cell phone, and i wanted to make sure he's okay." "charlie's fine." "we have a farmer to see the delivers." "what?" "nothing. come on in." "thanks." "you should be getting up sometime soon anyway." "so, how are things with you and donna?" "good. good." "i'll go get charlie." "hey dad!" "grils volleyball what about see boobs" "not now. -you told me to tell you lotwhen they started." "no, i didn't!" "yes, you did!" "shut up!" "hey." "hello. you must be jake." "yeah. who are you?" "linda. i'm a friend of your uncle charlie's are you the judge?" "do you play volleyball?" "no. do you?" "ijust like to watch them jump up and down." "okay!" "hi-ho!" "go away." "i thought charlie was asleep but he's not in his room." "berta, have you seen charlie?" "he's not in his bed?" "no -passed out on the bathroom floor?" "no. -rubbing oil on the volleyball girls?" "no." "well, then just leaves the bars hospitals and jail i'll go get the yellow pages." "well, he couldn't have gone very far." "hey, dad!" "hot girl in a thong!" "what time is it?" "!" "tepid." "so, london certainly agrees with you, rose." "you look beautiful." "thank you, charlie." "i just can't believe you're here." "yeah, well, i know." "i've been thinking a lot about you lately, and i miss you." "charlie,i miss you, too." "are you seeing anybody?" "actually i am seeing someone, but i'm not really sure where it's going yet." "you?" "to be honest, there is one lady i've been dating." "she's actually my own age." "no." "yeah." "but my therapist says she's not good for me." "and you think i am?" "well, you've always loved me for who i am instead of who i could be, which is really wonderful because let's face it,we both love who i am." "i do love you, charlie." "great." "so?" "so what?" "what's next?" "what do you mean?" "you can't expect me to go back to what i had without a commitment." "a commitment?" "yes. i think we should get marrie married?" "so the house in melerboo and move to a kid-friendly neighborhood here in london." "kid?" "kids. we're gonna have kids,aren't we?" "good afternoon and welcome aboard british airways flight 472 nonstop to los angeles international airport"