"♪ Allen Gregory 1x01 ♪ Pilot Original Air Date on October 30, 2011" "== sync, corrected by elderman ==" "♪ Ya, ya... ♪" "♪ Ya, ya ♪" "♪ Allen ♪" "♪ Gregory ♪" "♪ Allen, Allen. ♪" "(soft jazz piano playing)" "(glass clinking, music stops)" "Well, good evening." "Hello." "I'm Richard De Longpre." "And this incredible looking specimen standing next to me is my life partner, Jeremy De Longpre." "Hey, how's it going?" "Welcome to our home." "Well, okay, it's my home." "My name's on the deed." "Let's not make a big deal about it." "I'm not making a big deal out of it." "Well, I am, Jeremy!" "Since I'm not an unemployed housewife, Jeremy, who contributes absolutely no money to the mortgage, Jeremy!" "Richard, I thought we talked about you not humiliating me in front of crowds of people?" "Ah, we did, didn't we?" "I'm sorry." "I'm so stupid in love with you." "Mmm, mmm." "All right, Rich..." "Mmm." "Okay, that's enough." "Mmm." "Mmm!" "Okay, we get it." "Anyway, tonight is not about Jeremy and his pettiness." "It is certainly not about showcasing the fact that we recently adopted an underprivileged Cambodian girl." "Julie, come on up here, sweetie!" "Oh, I really don't want to." "(snaps fingers) To think (piano plays gently) just a couple of years ago, Jules was living in the... desert?" "The sea?" "Something." "Both of those places, yeah." "She was this close to being turned into glue over there when I said to myself, "You know what?" "I've been blessed." "It's time to give back."" "So, I selflessly logged onto that Web site and clicked "Add Julie to Cart."" "ALL:" "Ah." "Really?" "Five to seven business days later, her pathetic life was changed." "Let's all give a big "you're welcome" to Julie." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, in celebration of the only seven-year-old ever to be nominated for a Tony Award, please welcome, the reason we breathe, our son..." "Allen Gregory De Longpre." "(applause)" "(clearing throat)" "Thank you for coming, everyone." "Please lower your voices, I'm speaking." "Oh, Chloe's here." "And Julie hasn't found her way back into the crowd yet." "I apologize, folks." "She's making this incredibly uncomfortable." "She's pretty much the worst person." "Anyway, back to me." "When they first called and told me" "I'd been nominated for a Tony Award, I said one word... pass." "But then I realized how selfish I was being." "How unfair it would be to deprive you of me winning this award." "Does that make sense?" "So, to everyone here whose fantasies are fueled by my achievements, I say this:" ""We did it."" "Well, I did it, let's not go completely nuts, you did absolutely nothing." "But how about this:" "You were there to see me do it." "Now drink up, you knuckleheads!" "Have a blast!" "It's our night, you crazies!" "Chloe, where are you?" "Son, we have something we need to talk to you about." "Jeremy has AIDS?" "Full-blownsies?" "That was kind of harsh." "No." "Jeremy wants to go back to work." "Well, to be fair, you've kind of been pressuring me to..." "He's decided, due to his feelings of inadequacy, that it's time he pursue something for himself." "Instead of just being completely useless, sure, sure." "Yeah, so this means I'm not gonna be able to homeschool you anymore, bud." "Uh-huh." "Who we bringing in?" "Well, no one." "You are going to be attending elementary school actually." "Starting on Monday!" "What?" "!" "(groans)" "Really putting a damper on the ol' Tony nod." "Yeah, about that Tony nomination." "Yeah, apparently they don't nominate plays that are staged in our living room." "Not over, fighting 'em tooth and nail on it." "So this party was all..." "Mmm, yeah..." "Yeah, we thought if there was a crowd around you wouldn't freak out." "Yeah." "Well... (slurping) ...you thought wrong, my man." "Damn it, Jeremy!" "Ruined everything!" "You hunk!" "You're so handsome and stupid!" "JEREMY:" "Hey, Richard?" "I'm not sure, but it seemed like Allen Gregory didn't react positively to the school idea." "I can keep tutoring him." "I don't mind." "Jeremy, you need to get a job." "Why?" "Are we in trouble financially?" "No." "Okay, so if there are no money problems..." "It has nothing to do with money, Jeremy." "I'm a De Longpre." "We have money." "I mean, look around-- we have expensive things." "Of course we have money." "(laughing)" "(sighs)" "Are you okay?" "I'm sorry." "Come here." "No, no, pop up here, Jerbear." "Look, whether we have money problems or we don't, we'll get through it together." "That makes me feel like we do, because if we didn't, there wouldn't be anything to get through?" "Shh, our love is so much stronger than our steady financial decline." "Wait, so there is..." "Jeremy, stop reading into stuff." "You're starting to sound like the bank." "(knocking)" "Hey, sorry for going ballistic back there." "I think the whole Julie being alive thing affected me more than I thought." "You know, maybe you're a little nervous about going to school." "I mean, it's a big change, pal." "Ugh, Jeremy, I so cannot deal with your dumb logic right now." "Like, where is this job stuff even coming from?" "Yeah, where is this coming from, Jeremy?" "You?" "Hey, Dad, do you think the kids at school will like me?" "(laughing):" "I mean, not that I care." "Jeremy." "Oh, of course they will." "You are a bright, shining star." "They're going to love you." "Thanks, Dad, and thanks, Jeremy." "Ah, you're welcome." "For screwing up my entire life." "You didn't let me finish." "Please don't ever interrupt me again." "(door closes)" "Well, that went well." "Come here, you." "Oh..." "I'm really exhausted." "That's okay, I'll do the heavy lifting." "♪ Ya, ya. ♪" "♪ Ya, ya... ♪" "♪ Ya, ya. ♪" "Guys, check this." "My doctor says I may be able to lose the back brace in three years." "Oh, congrats, Beth, and just in time for high school." "Score." "Yeah, because that brace is the only thing standing between us and sweeping popularity." "Bye, Wayne." "Nice new backpack, Wayne." "Thanks." "What's the matter, Jules?" "You didn't say good-bye to Wayne." "Yeah, do you have an issue with Wayne?" "'Cause he's our best guy friend." "Right, that's kind of the problem, girls." "What's going on with you, Jules?" "You seem extra sour today." "I'm sorry, I'm in a dark place and I'm taking it out on you guys." "Well, what's up?" "Talk to us." "He starts school today and everyone's going to kiss his pretentious little a." "Ugh, I'm gonna vomit all over myself." "I'm not sure that would make you feel any better, but..." "It wouldn't, Val, it wouldn't." "Then why would you do it?" "(school bell ringing)" "Okay, everyone, take your seats." "Oh, you must be our new student, Allen De Longpre." "Ah, wow." "(sucks air)" "Okay, how about it's Allen Gregory?" "And go ahead and only address me as that from now on." "Thanks so much." "Okay, um, welcome, please find a seat." "Sure, I will, directly after I do a brief Q and A." "Oh, well, we don't usually do..." "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name." "It's Ms. Winthrop." "We're not in court, sweetheart, what's your first name?" "Gina, but you should never call me..." "Gina, Gina, Gina, can I see you in the hallway for a second?" "(door opens, closes)" "Look, here's what's currently happening-- you're being difficult, and I see this whole situation running a lot smoother if you choose to cooperate." "Allen Gregory, I am your teacher and I need you to respect that." "Oh, no, no, no, no, I totally will respect that if you can respect that we are on the same exact level authority-wise." "Okay, that is absolutely not the case." "Great, I'll see you back in there." "Also, I wouldn't lose my mind if you decided to chew a stick of gum." "Thanks for understanding the sitch, Gina, you're a china doll." "Hey, I'm Patrick." "You want to sit with us?" "Are you implying you want to schedule a lunch?" "Yeah, I guess." "It works better for me if you say," ""Would you like to schedule a lunch?"" "That way I know what you're talking about." "Okay, do you?" "Do I what now, sweetheart?" "Want to have lunch?" "No, but I'd like to schedule a lunch when you learn how to speak English." "Now, how's your Friday?" "'Cause mine is insane." "And then I wiped all my boogers into my dad's hair, right in there." "(laughter)" "Hey, Patrick, was I not clear?" "Don't come near this table ever." "(whispering):" "Who's he?" "He's only the most popular kid in school." "Ah, the two heavyweights finally meet." "Sure you're tired of all the buzz." "Allen Gregory De Longpre." "Joel." "Zadak." "Zadak is class president." "He's also the fastest at times tables." "4 x 5: 20." "Wow." "How does he do that?" "Yep, he did it again." "He's lead singer in the chorus." "And captain of the kickball team, best at cursive." "It's like 8 x 6: 48." "It's not a big deal." "Yeah, it's not a big deal." "I lobbied for fuel-cell technology on Capitol Hill," "I'm friends with Sandy Bullock, really good friends." "Who cares?" "It's not a pissing contest, right, J?" "Did anyone catch the Charlie Rose the evening before last?" "Did you catch it?" "No, nothing?" "(laughter)" "JULIE:" "Hang on a second, ladies." "I think we just may have found a bigger loser than us." "Good looking out, Wayne." "Aw, thanks, Wayne." "You got it." "Hey, just throwing out a random hypothetical to you." "Let's say there's a new kid in school and on paper he should be killing it, but for some reason the other kids don't like him?" "Why do you think that would be?" "Well, maybe you're just too smart for everybody." "Hmm, that's a good point, Pete." "You pick up on stuff, don't you?" "I don't know." "It's Patrick, though." "I don't care." "You know what?" "Let's forget all the mishegas and try to enjoy our lunch, huh?" "Take the edge off." "GINA:" "Excuse me." "Great, this train wreck." "What do you think you're doing?" "Ow!" "It's just a little Pinot Grige at lunch, Gina." "♪ ♪" "Hi." "Hello." "♪ ♪" "Mmm, that's good." "(hums happily)" "Let me ask you something." "Is it just like a complete mess down there?" "I'm gonna level with you." "It's like post-Katrina." "Oh, damn it, you're perfect." "(moaning):" "Allen Gregory, Allen Gregory." "Allen Gregory." "Yeah, sorry, I've just never had my breath taken away from me like that before." "Okay." "Mrs. Winthrop said you were drinking alcohol at lunch." "Shh, shut up, shut up." "Enough about that idiot." "Let's talk about us." "I'm sorry?" "I don't like to play games." "The whole wait three days to text you, flirt with other women in front of you." "It's exhausting." "Let's just cut to the chase." "We're in love with each other." "I think you have the wrong idea." "We're not going to be texting each other, we're not in love." "There's absolutely nothing between us." "There's a desk between us." "Okay." "Pencils, papers." "What's that?" "That looks like stool softener." "That's between us." "Okay, I've had just about enough of this." "Ah, me, too." "It's been a long day." "Why don't I call Jean-Michel at Il Portofino, we'll get a table outside?" "Ooh, I'm not getting a lick of service." "Babe, can I hop on your land-line?" "Allen Gregory." "What, are we dialing nine to get out?" "Is it nine?" "Allen Gregory." "(busy signal)" "Babe, I pick up, hit nine and then dial what?" "Allen Gregory, be quiet!" "(loud, wet farting)" "What was that?" "Nothing." "Sounded like something." "Yeah, I should probably take off, though." "Hey, unrelated-- is there a bidet on school grounds?" "Never mind." "(sobbing)" "Hey, Joel, look-- the new kid is crying." "Yeah, I think he crapped himself." "I can smell it in my nose!" "(wailing)" "(quieting)" "Where you going, Allen Gregory?" "There's nothing back there for me, Pat." "I don't fit in either, you know." "But it gets easier." "(sighs)" "We almost did it, didn't we?" "Did what?" "Take care of yourself, Red." "I'm proud of you." "Mmm..." "Your belly skin is like suede." "Thanks." "Tough but soft." "Like a man." "Man on a hunt for a job." "Yeah, I'm looking." "It's hard out there." "But you'll have one soon?" "I mean, not that there's any rush." "Just want you to feel good about you-- immediately." "Oh!" "I wish we could make money off your belly skin!" "Um... can someone please just sign my permission slip?" "(singsongy):" "Julie, there she is!" "What did you do today?" "Well, let's see..." "I went to school, I got a permission slip," "I asked you to sign it, you talked about which parts of Jeremy feel like suede." "You go to school?" "How fun is that?" "!" "You need anything else?" "A snack?" "You know you can help yourself to anything in the fridge." "Okay, thanks." "All right, well..." "go get 'em." "She's great." "(elevator bell dings)" "(sobbing)" "Oh!" "Allen Gregory?" "Are you okay, my boy angel?" "I have a broken heart." "And undergarments filled with my own unruly waste." "Who did this to you?" "Possibly the most ravishing gal I've ever seen." "Oh, who is she?" "Jeremy, please!" "Seriously, Jeremy!" "Why don't you go sprint and grab us a couple of Oranginas?" "(door closes)" "So... who is she?" "She's an older girl at school." "How old is she?" "Eight?" "Nine?" "I'd say she's comfortably in her late 60s." "Mm-hmm." "So what's the problem?" "I don't know." "I mean, she rambled on and on about how she's the principal and I'm a student." "What?" "!" "Here we go..." "Oh, thanks, Jeremy." "I guess we'll just drink these without pita chips." "Dad... they're animals." "I refuse to go back to that place." "What?" "!" "Oh, no, no, no, you don't mean that." "Pita chips..." "Jeremy, enough with the pita chips!" "Get our jackets!" "Don't worry, Allen Gregory." "I'm gonna take care of this." "Hey." "Oh, my God, you scared the crap out of me, Julie!" "I thought you were a rat." "You're not quitting school, are you?" "Julie, I know you're extremely jealous of me and that manifests itself in moments like this, but I'm really fragile right now." "You know, you're 100% right." "I am so jealous." "Of what?" "Tell me." "Be specific." "I mean, you've only been in school half a day and everyone's already talking about you." "Who, Zadak?" "Joel Zadak?" "Sure." "Ah, I'll miss that guy." "But you have to go back." "Don't deprive these kids of the role model they deserve." "Is there anything I can do to help?" "Well, I guess maybe you could pack up your belongings" "All right." "and go back to wherever the hell you came from." "Does that make sense?" "So, it does make sense?" "No?" "Mr. and Mr. De Longpre," "I'm so glad you called." "As superintendent of the school board," "I want to personally apologize to you both." "It's terrible that Allen Gregory's first day wasn't a pleasurable experience." "We feel very lucky to have a De Longpre here at Feldstein." "Oh, we appreciate that." "Shh." "Thank you, Mr. Rossmyre." "What can I do to get him back in here?" "You name it, you got it." "Cartay blanchay." "Wow, that is so nice of you." "I have to say, we were surprised that Principal Gottlieb wasn't more accommodating." "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." "Oh, for God's sake, he's a child" "I'm not gonna date him." "Judy, first of all, calm yourself down." "I was just about to suggest that." "This is personal stuff between you and Allen Gregory" "De Longpre." "Whether you're gonna date him, you're not gonna date him, there's an age difference, I don't care." "It's none of my business." "Oh, my God." "Uh, uh, Judy, let me finish." "Now, whatever you want to do on your own time," "I'll look the other way." "But inside these walls, you two are going to have to put your personal desires aside and act professionally." "The other parents can't know, the faculty can't..." "No one's gonna know because it's not happening!" "Nice." "That's what you should say." "I'm not just saying it." "Even better." "Sold me." "You feel good?" "I want you to feel good." "Good here." "Jer?" " I'm good." "GOTTLIEB:" "I'm not." "I really hope you can persuade Allen Gregory to return." "And, Gottlieb, for God's sake, try to keep it in your pants!" "(breathing loudly)" "There he is." "A to the G." "Hey, Carl-Trent." "Wait a second." "That's not the Allen Gregory I know." "What's got your bonnet full of all them bees?" "Carl-Trent... can I ask you something?" "Have you ever not fit in?" "Aw, yeah." "Let me drop something on ya." "Back in L.A., they came to me and asked," ""What do you think of David Boreanaz for Bones?"" "They came to you for that?" "I was shocked, too!" "Considering my sordid history with the sisters Deschanel." "I was like, "Boreanaz?" I didn't see it." "But I was the only one." "And I felt that isolation." "So I took myself off the project." "You walked away." "I ran, AG." "I ran." "RICHARD:" "Oh, Allen Gregory." "There you are." "We talked to Principal Gottlieb, she's come to her senses, everything's coolio." "You can go back, Jeremy can get that job, train back a-chuggin'." "Thanks, but that's all in the past." "I've taken time to reflect on things, and..." "I'm not going back." "(sighs)" "JEREMY:" "Rich, can I have a moment alone with our son?" "For what?" "I just want to talk to him." "Mm-hmm." "About what?" "About the situation." "What are you gonna say?" "I don't know exactly." "I just want to talk to him." "About what again?" "Please?" "Just five minutes?" "(sighs)" "You got three." "Can I ask you something?" "If you're over the whole Gottlieb thing, then why aren't you gonna go back?" "(grunting)" "Julie mentioned the other kids were kind of rough on you." "Does that have anything to do with it?" "Did she also mention that she sucks and doesn't know what the hell she's talking about?" "Uh, no, she didn't mention that." "Well, there you go." "Allen Gregory... five years ago, I was a straight man." "I had a wife, two kids, rock solid career." "I was happier than I had ever been." "And then one day, I had a meeting with a potential client." "He was an older gay man, and we had a connection-- a strictly platonic one, given my lifelong heterosexuality-- but, uh, he wouldn't take no for an answer." "He persisted, he followed me everywhere, gave me flowers, gifts." "He believed, deep within his heart, that we were destined to be together." "And you started to believe it, too?" "Uh." "The point is, Allen Gregory, that all the obstacles-- you know, me being straight as an arrow, my wife and kids, the restraining orders-- they were irrelevant." "In the end, he got what he wanted." "Because you see, son..." "Don't call me "son."" "Sorry about that." "He didn't give up." "If you want those kids to accept you, you just got to convince them that they want that, too." "Jeremy?" "Thanks." "You're... welcome." "I saw what you did." "And I can't tell you how much it meant to me." "You... are... my... hero." "Well, that..." "means a lot to me." "(singsongy):" "Sauna." "No one in there, we could probably go towel-less." "I sign off on it." "Thanks, Carl-Trent." "[ Inner Voice ] ESTABLISH CONNECTION." "(screams) What's going on?" "Hey, Pat." "What are you doing, Allen Gregory?" "You broke my window." "Well, it's the middle of the night, silly." "I'm not gonna ring the doorbell." "Use your head." "Sorry, but, um, what's so important?" "Patrick, I wanted you to be the first to know." "I'm coming back to school tomorrow." "Okay, but I feel like that could have waited till tomorrow?" "I'm returning to Feldstein Elementary... for the long haul." "PATRICK'S DAD:" "Patrick, is everything all right?" "I'm gonna head out." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Wait." "Get some sleep, you rascal." "Don't be up too late." "What?" "I'm gonna be in so much trouble!" "But it's worth it, isn't it?" "Is it?" "Allen Gregory... we are so proud of you." "Gyna." "Hey, so walk me through what happened yesterday." "I remember your pants were clean... but then later, you were running out crying like a baby, and they weren't clean." "What happened in the middle there?" "(laughing):" "Oh, you're hilarious." "No, that wasn't me." "It wasn't you?" "Then who the hell was it?" "It was an ill-advised mix of strip mall Thai food and cheap coffee." "It came on so fast, by the time it hit me... it was too late." "I crapped myself, and I apologize." "It was completely unprofessional of me." "And when I ran crying past Joel Zadak, his friends Ian and Guillermo-- hey, guys-- that was embarrassing, to say the least." "Could have sworn it was the new kid." "Me, too, Guillermo." "Me, too." "Hey." "You look really cute today." "Listen, this is gonna be tough, I know." "It's gonna take some serious restraint on our part." "But what we have is... rare." "Super spesh." "But I'm afraid we can't act on it, Jude." "Please leave me alone." "I get it." "You have something on your cheek." "It's still there." "Come on, let me." "No." "Would you stop?" "Just bend down," "I'll get it for you." "There you go." "== sync, corrected by elderman =="