"And now, back to "Real Housewives of Minnesota."" "Did you hear the latest drama?" "Oh, Ian was driving by the house and saw Nate in his driveway, doncha know," " and Nate didn't wave hello." " Oh, yah?" "You think everything is okay with Nate there, then?" "Oh, maybe we should bake him a hot dish." " Yah." " Oh, yah." " Yah." " Oh, yah." " Yah." " Oh, yah." " Oh, yah." " Yah." "The [bleep] you got me watching, Jamal?" "Where the fake-tittied, crazy-ass," " table-flipping bitches?" " Wait till Barbara comes in." "She made Frank a delicious lutefisk and he returned the dish unwashed." "Aye, your understanding of Minnesota households" " is on some next level shit." " Shh!" "I'm trying to listen so I know when to call in" " and win these tickets." " Grover, you been trying all week and you been dying all week." "92.3, the FREQ." "Who wants to get laced with box seats for the last game of the season, featuring LeBron vs. the L.A. team that's not the Lakers?" "Be caller number ten to answer the question of the day." "Box seats?" "I gotta get those." "It's ringing!" "All right, congratulations!" "You're caller number ten." "You have ten seconds to answer this:" "Name a black life the Kardashians have not ruined." "Uh, it's not Lamar." "They killed him twice." "It's not Kanye." "They got him dressing like a slave and begging for money on Twitter." "What about Reggie Bush?" "Shit, they took his Heisman and his ACL." " Five seconds." " Um..." "Think, Grover!" "Who haven't they ruined?" "I don't know." "It's too many!" " Two seconds." " Shit, I don't know." " Uh, Ray J?" " I'm sorry." "The correct answer is Brandy's brother." "Ray J is Brandy's brother." "Wait a minute, I'm googling." "Yes, congratulations!" " Aw, hell, yeah!" " What!" "We got the best seats in the house!" "Turn up, Legends." "Turn all the way up." "Aye, what's up." "I'm Brandy's brother." "Aye, they hooked y'all up with Twizzlers, too?" "Oh, hell no!" "1x07 - "Cane and Disabled"" "Damn, my dudes, we higher than a white girl at an EDM concert." "Getting light-headed." "I need oxygens." "And a honey bun." "The FREQ got us up here with the third-tier groupies." "Somebody getting me pregnant tonight." "I don't care if it is Clipper Darrell." "You see baby girl over there?" "Yeah, I'ma make a tape with her." "We gotta get out of here." "I came to see dunks by LeBron, not skeets by Ray J." "Peep, there go three seats right there." "Let's gank those bitches." "Come on, man!" "Those is reserved for the physically unfortunate." " We can't sit there." " Yeah!" "How you gonna talk your way into that?" "My mom said we sitting dere." "I took da bus here." "Da driver let me honk da horn." "It went "beep beep!"" "Here's your complimentary bibs." "And remember, keep your drool off the floor and your dick in your pants." "Enjoy the game." "This shit don't feel right, my dudes." " In my souls and everything." " Yeah, I'm with Grover." "Damn, y'all acting like bitch-ass Minnesota housewives." "I'm untouchable." "Check this out." " Hey, mother..." " Deeer!" "Oh, it's okay, little fella." "See?" "Y'all still think my idea was off?" "Yeah." "I think I'ma bounce." "Ooh, shit, Bron Bron's coming our way!" "Oh, my God, he touched me." "I'll never jerk off with any other hand again." "Special gifts for our special guests." " Ooh." " Oh, I see you." "Damn, she thicker than a Snicker." "See?" "Y'all still trying to bounce?" "Shiiit!" "Mmm." "Hey, kids." "I got something for you." "You get the shorts, you get the drawers and uh, don't mind the light boo boo stain." "Damn!" "You are the king!" " I love you, LeBron." " What he write?" ""Thanks for keeping your dick in your pants." ""The other team could've used you tonight." ""Watch 'Survivor's Remorse' on Showtime..." "I mean Starz." "Your pal, LeBron."" "Man, ain't nobody trying to watch that bullshit." "Yeah, that shit sucks!" " What's the word, Cyril?" " The word, Montrel, is "concentrate."" "You mean to focus one's attention or mental effort on a particular object or activity?" "No, I mean we just got in this new wax concentrate." "It's called "Kush-topher Reeves."" "It's for dabbing." "Man, that's offensive." "Just give me that Ricky Retardo." "Suit yourself, but you don't know what you missing." "Okay." "You see, now a nigga kind of curious." "What's so super about that "Kush-topher Reeves"?" "Nothing at all, unless you want to feel like the first time you smoked." "Montrel, you look tense." "You need to relax, and I know just the trick." "You know I don't touch that shit, Mahogony." "It'll affect my game and my grades." "My body is a temple." "So is mine, and this afternoon's service" " is about to begin." " Oh, word." " You okay?" " Bitch, I'm fine." " Just give me another hit." " You smoked it all up." "Here, take my scholarship and roll me another one." "Yeah, [bleep] college!" "Aye, let's do it." "I still can't believe the king touched my jerk-off hand." "Yep." "Now LeBron's gonna be on your dick." "We finally about to become legends." "What up, Grove?" "I see you, bruh." "If you break the seal, I swear to God I'ma kill you," " with my other hand." " Aye, you owned it with that Vine of you motorboating that cheerleader." "Damn, Janky, get off my nuts." "Shit, you could've been down there too with that eye." "Milk!" "When you gonna call me?" "When you get a tan and grow some cheeks, Miss No Booty." "You know I don't mess with them Beckys." "Hey, ass lizards!" "Who did you have to blow to get those seats?" "All the flavors in the world, and you choose to be salty." "Don't down us, crown us." "Wegro, please." "Y'all got a little shine for now." "But don't let it go to your head." "You got Grover and Jamal to do that for you." "Get it?" "'Cause they suck your [bleep]." " Man, [bleep] y'all." " Randy, you ain't funny." "Man, your jokes suck, but you still better than Nick Cannon." "Mark!" "Aye, what the hell?" ""I no wat u dud lat knife asshoo?"" " Man, what the [bleep] is a "asshoo"?" " Let me see that." "Got all kind of misspelled words in this thing." "It's either from Floyd Mayweather or 2 Chainz." ""Whoever this is, everybody know what I did last night." "'Cause I do dope shit."" ""No, you're full of shit, and I'ma beaf it out you?"" "I'm at school trying to meet some breezys and this shit is crimping' my pimpin'." ""Hey, Wic Woss." ""How about you tell Grover to stop smelling his LeBron hand, and tell that pussy Milk to turn his phone back on."" "Oh shit!" "Whoever the hell it is can see us!" "Look!" "Who's on they phone?" "Pineapple Shasta, boom." "Hennessy and cigarette-flavored Lay's, bang." "Some Thuggies adult diapers, heh." "Better safe than sorry." "Leave it to a negro to exert all this energy just to be lazy." "Aye, if I wanted to hear a tiny nigga talk nonsensical nonsense," "I'd listen to a Kendrick Lamar album." "You know, Montrel, I think you have a lot of potential, but you need to get it together, 'cause in a few years, when you actually do need that diaper changed," "I ain't gonna be the one changing it." " Deuces." " Aye, come on, man." "Stall me out." "I got a medical condition." "Yeah, it's called complacency." "I'm telling you, it's Dyslexic Donny." "He crazy." "You ever seen him eat mashed potatoes?" " Fuhh!" " He drinks the gravy first." "He don't understand how mashed potatoes work." "Donny's backward ass gonna have to see about me." "I'll hit him so hard, I'll make him lexic again." "All right, class." "Settle down, settle down." "Today we're gonna be dissecting the fetal pigs before you, really neat stuff." "Anybody got any Thousand Island?" " Uh, Mr. Green?" " Don't interrupt me, Jarvis." "Now, your specimens are preserved in formaldehyde" " to maintain its natural state." " Seriously, Mr. Green?" "Jarvis, please!" "Now, for your own safety," " the pigs are dipped in formaldehyde..." " Ooh." "Ooh, shit!" "It's alive!" "Oh, Lord, it's alive!" " Ooh, watch out." " Ugh!" "I got pig skeet on me!" "Kill the pig." "Cut its throat." "Let's make some bacon!" "Y'all should be ashamed!" "This is one of God's creatures." "It deserves a second chance at life, like Cracky." "I'm gonna take her home." "I'm gonna love you and take care of you and we're gonna be best friends forev..." "Oh, well." "Shit happens." "Damn, that pig skeeted all on my Bron jersey." ""U R necks?"" "Dyslexic Donny trying to punk me." "And I ain't no bitch." "It's time to go handle that mark." "Donny!" "Where you at, caa?" "Show yourself, fool!" "There his bitch ass go right there." "Break yourself, fool." "You put me on blast with them swine intestines." "What's up now, we got a problem?" " We got a problem here?" " Uh, do I did what?" "You know what you did, you dyslexic-ass bitch." "Trying to scare me and shit." "We're gonna kick your [bleep] ass!" "Nothing do didn't I!" "Nothing do didn't I!" "Hey, why don't you pick on someone who speaks in your own direction?" " Man, who the hell is you?" " I'm Ted." "Special Ted." "What the hell you want, Special Ted?" " I sent you the texts." " You're a terrible speller." "I know how to spell perpetrating the handicap, bitch!" "Well, I don't, but..." "Anyways, I saw Milk on TV pretending to be like me so he could sit courtside last night." "Uh-uh." "You wrong for that." "So we gonna do this or what?" "Man, don't be retarded." "I can't fight you, Sling Blade." "You can't not not fight him just because he's differently abled." "I say whoop his ass, baby!" "You ready to feel the wrath of the baby arm or what?" "Yeah, you have to fight him." "Otherwise, it's discrimination." "Aye, I don't discriminate." "How about I beat your ass, then?" "Why?" "Just because I have two typical arms and feet like you?" "You disgust me, bro!" " Able-ist!" " Having nothing wrong don't make you all right." "Able-ist!" "Able-ist!" "Game time's over, homey." "You want to get your ass beat?" "'Cause I'm about that life." "After school." "Meet me in front." "Ain't nothing but a word. 3:00." "Make it 2:20." "We get out early." "One more thing." " LeBron's a pussy!" " Aye, hold me back!" "Get him, Ted!" "Just what I thought." "Still posted up on the couch doing nothing." "What do you have to say for yourself?" " Help... me..." " Wait, what'd you say?" "Help me, nigga." "You're finally asking for help?" "Aw, man, I've been waiting for this moment my whole life." "I'll be right back." "Okay, we'll start with "The Black Sea Scrolls"" "by Dr. Professor Rashad Muhammad Abdul Raheem Hightower, D.D.S." "Page one. "In the beginning, there was black." "And the word was 'black.'"" "And, Montrel, "black" was the word." "Real talk, my nigs." "I'm real conscientious about this fight." "I'm not just fighting Drool Moe Dee." "I'm fighting prejudice." "Besides, that's what the people want." "Oof!" " Ahh!" "Yo, homey..." " Shut up." " Mr. Green?" " Look, Milk." " Please don't fight Special Ted." " Don't worry, Mr. Green." "I ain't finna [bleep] him up too bad." "I'll even let him wear one of them helmets." "No, you dipshit." "You're the one that needs the helmet." "Special Ted has been terrorizing the school for the last ten years!" "First it was the students, but then he started bullying the teachers." "We talking about the same special kid that Velcro his Tims?" "Listen, I didn't always have this limp." "See, Ted got tired of people making fun of him." "So he figured, if you can't join 'em, beat 'em, until they're crippled!" "You're never gonna win, son." "He's got special needs strength!" "Oh, shit." "He gonna kill me, huh?" "If you're lucky." "Run, Milk, run!" " Run where?" " It doesn't matter." "Run, damn it, run!" "Run while both your legs still work!" "This some bullshit." "I can't win." " It's a classic double-headed dildo." " Yeah, you [bleep] both ways." "If you fight him, you're a bully who picks on special kids." "Nobody'll like you." "You'll probably have to switch schools and change your name to Taylor." " But if you don't fight him..." " Then you a vagina." "No, y'all ain't feeling me." "I can't win, literally!" "Special Ted a full-on beast." "He got bodies, yo." "He gonna dogwalk me in front of the entire school." "Man, I ain't never gonna get no ass after that." "Oh, you about to be joyful, my nig." " I got this." " See?" "Knew I could count on you." "What we doing?" "Oldest trick in the book." "Hello, you've reached the Duncan High School" "Bomb Threat Hotline." "Your bomb threat is important to us." "Please stay on the line and..." "Oh, well." "Guess this is what you get for coming at Short Bus Deebo." "Good luck." "And that's how Yakub created the evil white man using two magnets." "I know, right?" "I was speechless too when I first read it." "That's right, big bro." "Get all those evil white toxins out your system." "Where you been at?" "Last time we saw you you was sitting in the bathroom stall crying like a little bitch." "Why you bringing up old shit?" "I got a plan now." " You got Floyd Mayweather?" " I'm looking for a, um..." "Muh..." "Mo..." "Muh..." "M... um, one... [bleep] it." "Which one of y'all is this nigga?" "Yeah, that's me, homey." "I'm a real big fan... [bleep] all that." "You got my paper?" " Now, where is he?" " His name's Ted." " He in the library." " Liberry?" "What's that?" "It's like a gym... with books." "Now, that's interesting." "I never heard of it." "He right in there." "Now go beat his ass." "Yeah, I'm looking for Ted." "Told y'all he'd mop his ass up." "That's what I'm talking about, my nig..." " What the fuh?" "!" " Guess I just gotta go in there and holler at Corky myself, man-to-special-man-like." "Peace offering, homey." "Take it." "Let's squash this beef like Nicki and Miley." "You want to pay me just so you don't have to fight?" "Call it what you want, but don't tell nobody." " I got a rep." " Hmm." " I could get a new orthopedic Tim." " Yeah, get it with extra Velcro." " Okay, you got a deal." " Cool." "Maybe I'll even let you kick it with me once in a blue." "You kidding me?" "I don't need your money!" "I get plenty of cash from the government." "Disability, cocksucker." "You're the punkest-ass white bitch I ever met!" " What did you call me?" " I called you a bitch." " No, before that." " Punk-ass?" " No, after that?" " White?" "Nobody calls me that." "[bleep] you." "[bleep] close parking, and [bleep] your personal bathroom." "Well, [bleep] you too, Meek Milk!" "Oh, it's like that?" "Okay, okay, you Special Olympics, slobber-on-the-chin, HGH-strength-having," "Cuba-Gooding-as- Radio-idolizing, graham-cracker-eating mutha[bleep]!" "You Ebonics-talking, sticker-on-your-cap-wearing, jeans-sagging, act-like you-from-the-hood- but-your-house-has-three- stories Vanilla Ice," "Slim Shady, Slim Jesus, wanksta wiggaboo." "That's it." "You about to catch a fade, homey." "The parking lot." "And you better not bitch out." "Oh, God." "Just please don't let him cripple my dick." "Okay, we moving, but now what you need is a Spike Lee marathon." "We gonna start with "Bamboozled," okay?" "Hold that pose." "I'll go get the DVDs." "Yo, you know the "D" to the "R" to the..." "Anyways, [bleep] all that." "Just leave a number after the beep, nigga, damn!" "Yo, Montrel, what's up?" "It's Kobe." "Is that an answering machine?" "Like, with a tape?" "Damn, you keeping it really real." "Look, now that Kobe's legs have betrayed him, forcing him into retirement, Kobe was able to talk Jeannie into giving you a ten-day contract." "So hit Kobe back ASAP." "Hold it, hold on, hold on." "What did you say, Kobe?" "Kobe says I gotta go now." "Kobe!" "Boy, you done came up today." "I also have "The Making of 'Bamboozled.'"" "Just 25 hours of Spike Lee, and then we'll finish strong with the "Where Are We Now?"" "Black People's Conference hosted by Cornel West." "Oh, shit!" "You really about to fight this dude?" "I have to, homey." "I ain't no punk." "The most successful people in America is pretenders." "Tupac pretending to be dead." "Drake pretending he can sing." "The WNBA pretending to be a sport." "I was pretending to be disabled." "That's what real ones do." "We pretend." "So you know what I say?" "I say let the hustlers play." "And if I have to fight for it, I'ma fight for it." "Wow!" "That is some of the stupidest shit ever uttered, my nig." "You kind of deserve to catch a beatdown for that alone." "Man, whatever." "Y'all can't feel my passions." "Hurry up and put this little shit stain out of his misery!" " Mom's waiting in the car." " Stop telling me what to do, Thea." "I haven't gotten pussy like this in a long time." "I plan to enjoy it." "Look, I checked around, and you need to watch out for the baby arm." "It's small and raptor-y, but there's some dense cartilage in that bitch." "You do not want to take baby arm to the face." "Fight!" "Fight!" " Stop dancing and fight!" " Whatever, then." " Let's get it then, homey." " You're right, Ted." "This guy is the biggest bitch-ass pussy I ever seen." "Kick his ass, Ted!" "Tell your ugly-ass brother to shut up." "What did you say, you little punk?" "You don't want to make her angry." "You won't like her when she's angry." "Man, come on." "He can't fight no girl." "That's right." "I can't." "You lucky I'm a man." "I ain't fighting no big, hairy-chested mountain bitch, even one as fugly as you." " The hell you doing?" " Self-preservation." "It's a white thang." "Don't you get it?" "It's the reverse Ray Rice." "Milk might take a beating, but he won't hit a girl" " and that'll make him a..." " Legend." " What do you think of that now, huh?" " Argh!" " Like that?" "Smell it!" " Throw the damn towel!" "Come on, Milk." "You got this." "Represent the Legends." "You don't want to end up on Worldstar." "I can't fight her either." "I can't hit a bitch." "Ha!" "I can." "Damn!" "That's gonna make his voice annoyingly high." "What?" "What the hell y'all laughing at?" "Uh,nothing?" "Notthebabyarm !" "So there you have it." "Cornel West and Spike Lee." "The only way you'll feel blacker is if you watch it on stolen cable." " What do you think?" " Aw, I'm in a school daze, but I feel like doing the right thing." "And even though she's gotta have it," "I no longer have jungle fever." "Okay, I might have overdone it with the Spike Lee movies, but welcome to the struggle, brother." "You are no longer a negro in my eyes." "You are a black man." "Thanks for not giving up on me, Malik." "A'ight." "I need to go hold down the block." "Brother, I'll never forget the day we bonded." " My past will never be my future." " Peace." "But my present is a gift!" "Gullible-ass nigga." "You know, liquid nachos ain't all that bad, my nigs." "At least we earned these seats this time." "Yeah, that's a good one." "Hey, I got a few ideas" " I wanna pitch y'all." " Aw, hell, no!"