"Previous on Boston Legal." "Do we have anybody in corporate who understands this credit card world?" " Somebody" " Hands." " Sorry?" " Hands Swenson." "Banking and finance genius." " Only don't call him Hands." " Why would I?" " Bingo!" " Why doesn't he move his hands?" " Bingo." " Are you making fun of me?" "Should we be married and sensible and go home to do whatever men do at home?" "I have nothing against marriage." "I've done it five times." "But here's the thing about wives." "Theydon's let you play with your friends." "I'll take a friend over wife every time." "Not only a patron of the arts..." "Denny Crane is a generous contributor of his time, energy and enthusiasm." "What the hell kind of charity is Children's Group?" " We're teaching children to read." " No." "We're buying them food." "I thought we were providing them with old people to play with." "I believe it's a children's theater group." "How can kids with muscular dystrophy do theater?" " They don't have muscular dystrophy." " Then what are we doing here?" " Judas Priest, there's a game on." " Don't be long, Denny." " Your speech is up next." " And you might want to actually practice it..." " considering you're the honoree." " Not to worry." "It's all up here." "Please tell me there's no press here tonight." "Scotch." "Single malt." "Straight." "Nice night." "Suddenly, it is." "He's often told me that writing a check is easy." " It's only money." " Should we go look for him?" "He'll be here." "Denny's never one to miss the spotlight." "But rolling up your sleeves and getting dirty out on the front lines... that is not easy." "I'll wrap this up before his head swells too much." "The emcee's winding down, people." "I knew we should've tagged him." " Denny Crane!" " Ladies and gentlemen... the Children's Group applauds and honors..." "Mr. Denny Crane." "Dear Lord." "Thank you." "Thank you." "There is no doubt we do it all for the children." "And what did you think of my speech?" " Excellent." " Thank you for writing it for me." "Give me a call sometime." "You know how to use a business card, don't you?" " You just whip it out of your pocket and" " Blow." " You look puzzled." " I am." "A woman I just had sex with hands me her card and I have no desire to throw it away." " You had sex with her here?" " Hot, sweaty sex... right there in the coat-check room." "Keep it." "Daniel Post, C. E. O., Christ berg Pelham, Incorporated." "He has stage four metastasized lung cancer." "Never fun." "A major pharmaceutical company was testing a new cancer drug." "Post used his friendship with the C. E. O. of that company... to get himself put into the test group." "And to make sure that he got the actual drug, not the placebo." "Hmm." "The rich are different from you and me." "Certainly from you." "So..." "Post is being sued by another cancer patient... who was in the same study, and who ended up getting the placebo." " What's the cause olfaction?" " What you'd expect." "Conspiracy, intentional infliction of emotional distress." "We're going to court today." "Today?" "I thought I could- handle it myself but, uh" "O" " Olivia died of cancer, didn't she?" "Yes." "At any rate..." "I'm hoping you can second chair." " You ready?" " Uh, Denise Bauer, attorney." " Daniel Post." " Guy dying of cancer." " Is that the way he described me?" " Rich guy dying of cancer." "Denise will be second chairing." "I filled her in on the case." "Actually, you left out our defense." "Do we have one?" "I like her." "I'm not sure if the jury is going to like me, Mr. Post." "I have a client who tried to buy his way into a cancer study." "Could you tell me what possessed you to do that?" "I got cancer." "Are you really my lawyer?" "Or did the Make-A-Wish Foundation just finally come through?" "Alan, do you have a minute?" "What can I do for you, Jerry?" "They are meeting soon to vote on this year's partnerships." "This'll be my third time to be up for partner." " My last time." " I see." "I was wondering if maybe you could tell me where I stand." "You know the right people around here." "And I know" "Well, no one." "Jerry, you are an extraordinary attorney." "I am." "I constructed a chart that reveals... my involvement is typically the key variable... in the firm's winning a case." "Bingo!" "It was my research... that was the determining factor in the Simmons versus Aragon Oil _city." "Not to mention 252 other cases." "Because of my research." "Bingo!" "But still, I wonder... whether the senior partners are aware of my contributions." "Jerry, you know I have a tremendous affection for my own intelligence." "And even I think you are smarter than me." "Oh, I am." "I'll see what I can find out." "How long have you worked for Devlin Macgregor Pharmaceuticals, Mr. Clark?" " Eight years." " And what was your position?" "I was a lab technician in ontological protocols." " You worked on a drug to cure cancer?" " Trade name is Pneumitrox." "It was specifically designed to hinder the rapid cellular mutations in the lungs." "And did Devlin Macgregor conduct a double-blind study to test Pneumitrox?" " Sort of." " Why do you say sort of, sir?" " The test was corrupted." " Objection." "Foundation." "Overruled." "On July 9 of this year, you received a call from your supervisor." "What did he want?" "He told me to ensure that Patient 1123... received the Pneumitrox and not the placebo." " Why?" " He didn't say." "But I subsequently discovered that Patient 1123 is Mr. Post." "It seemed fairly obvious." " Objection." " Sustained." "What made you come forward?" "Doing so has cost you your job, correct?" " It did." " Then why?" "Because some things are more important than job." "Mr. Clark, how many patients were involved in the experiment?" " Uh, 2, OOO." " And statistically speaking... how would it change the likelihood... of one person out of the 2, OOO receiving the drug over the placebo... if another person was directed to get the drug?" " Not much." " Because there was no guarantee... that any of the volunteers would receive the actual drug." "The odds were originally 50-50?" "The odds would change minimally." "Instead of50-50... the odds would change from... 49.95 to 50.05." " Uh, sounds right." " So virtually no change at all?" "Well, if you were dying, Miss Bauer,.05 is everything." "Shirley, I wanted to ask you about Jerry Swenson." " He's up for partner." " I can't discuss that with you." " Why not?" " Well, that determination is for partners only... and you're not a partner." " I'm sure you understand, Alan." " Absolutely." "Jerry Swenson?" "You mean Hands?" "Not a chance." "He's a weirdo." "He's not a weirdo." "And he doesn't like to be called Hands." " How could you not?" "The "hands. "" " A peccadillo, to be sure." " We all have them." " I don't have any peccadilloes." " What's your name, Denny?" " Denny Crane." "Ah!" "Yes." "My point is, Jerry Swenson deserves to be made a partner." "What is that?" "Bev bought me a camera phone." "The woman you enjoyed in the coatroom?" "We can send each other pictures." "This damn thing takes forever to load." "Things going well with Bev, then?" "She said she wanted to fulfill every single one of my fantasies." "I made a list." "Had to type it myself." " My assistant threatened to quit." " Denny, you're glowing." "She's an amazing woman, Alan." "It's like having a one night stand..." " but every night with the same woman." " I'm thrilled for you, Denny." " Now, about Jerry." " He's not a rainmaker, Alan." "Shirley says he's not bringing in enough money." "He's toast." "Weird toast." "Would you let me have a glance at his performance review, then?" "It's highly confidential." "Just don't tell anybody where you got it." "Oh, picture's finally loaded." "look at this." "She's vey limber for a woman her age." "Alan, I'd like to be alone with my phone." "Just 15 minutes." " "Poor people skills. "" " Just hands it to you." " "Not presentable. "" " That's my Denny." ""Not a team player. " I can see why it's confidential." " It's revolting and mean." " You don't have all the facts, Alan." "Apparently I do." "Apparently at this firm, being white and male isn't even enough." "You also need to be a golden retriever with a pedigree to be considered for partner." " I'm telling you" " It's a wonder you slipped under the radar..." " with your vagina and all." " Jerry's had a few blowups, Alan." " One in front of a client." " Yes." "Yes." "It's on his permanent record back in 2000." "It also says he made a couple of clients feel awkward." "Could that be perhaps because he's an awkward guy?" "It also says he doesn't play golf." "Actually, he doesn't kiss any ass whatsoever." "He just does his job." "And no one's denying that." "But partners need to bring in clients." "That's how we make our money." "Partners need to attend social dinners... and make public speaking engagements." "And they need to do it without being" "Different." "Very dangerous, Shirley." "Very dangerous." "You know how the obituaries always say things like..." ""So-and-so died after a brave struggle with cancer"?" "I'm not brave." "I'm terrified." "Cancer can make a coward out of anybody." "So when you heard about the trials for this new drug" "Oh, I leapt at it." "I'm not a fool." "I knew it was a random chance I'd even get the drug and not the placebo" "Okay." "I was willing to leave that to fate." "He wasn't." "Mr. Hopper, when you began the test... did you stop taking chemo or any other treatments for your cancer?" "No." "But there were other promising tests I didn't enter because of Devlin Macgregor." "I see." "And did Devlin Macgregor guarantee that you would receive the actual drug?" "No, they did not." "Isn't it true that you've already sued Devlin Macgregor... for this matter, and received a sizable settlement?" " Objection." "Relevance?" " I'm going to allow it." "Yes." "But I spent every penny on medical treatments." "But the money isn't the reason I'm doing this." "I'm doing this because I feel..." "I have a moral obligation to stand up to people like Daniel Post." "People like that... with money and power, they think they can get away with murder." "And now he's murdering me." "No further questions, Your Honor." "Court will resume tomorrow at 1 O a. m." "Denise, are you trying to make the jury hate our client?" "If so, you're doing a good job." " I'm starting not to like me either." " Mr. Post, I" "Denise, I'm kidding." "You're doing an excellent job." "I have a few questions." " Um, are you free for a bite?" " Um, couldn't you just ask me now?" "Well, yeah." "But then it wouldn't be a date." " Our client just asked me out to dinner." " Well, good." "Then you can use the time to convince him to settle." "Jerry, it's not looking like a lock." " What's the problem?" " Generally, it's poor people skills." "You mean, I'm odd?" "Does it say, in my file, I'm odd?" " No." " Alan, I would appreciate candor here... even should you deem it hurtful." "According to your file, you've occasioned clients to feel uncomfortable." "Some have even expressed reservations about being alone with you." "Evidently, you also once pushed opposing counsel over some dispute." "He made fun of me." "As conditioned as I've become to ridicule, sometimes" " So I'm out." " It's not over." "You know, I deserve this more than Brad Chase." "He cuts offal priest's fingers and I lose out because I push a bully?" " It's not right." " It's not over." "Jerry, I give you my word I'll do what I can." "Shirley, I'm sorry." "I didn't hear you knock." "Gee, I" " I wonder why that could be." "Maybe because you were too busy having sex on your desk?" "How did you know?" "I had the door closed." "Ah." "But you neglected to draw all the blinds." "Oversight." "We were both facing the same way." "I'm all too horribly aware of which way you were facing." "Oh, goodness me." "I'm so rude." "I'm Beverly Bridge." "Shirley Schmidt." "Did you finish the notes on the partnership candidates?" " I've been busy." " The vote's tomorrow." "Fifty of the most senior partners will be there." "This is unprofessional, Denny." "You're setting a very bad example for the rest of the firm." "Understood." "And from now on, in this office... those blinds go down before anybody else does." " She's jealous." " Poor thing." " Hi, Brad." " Hey, Jerry." "How's it going?" "A little nervous about that partner thing." "You?" "I can't say I'm not." " Got any indication?" " Not really." "Paul seems to think it looks good." "But I certainly didn't help my chances by" "Lewiston?" "He says it looks good for you?" " He couldn't make any promises." " Did he mention how it looks for me?" " No." "We didn't really discuss you." " Do you ever?" " I beg your pardon?" " Do people discuss me?" "Do they talk about me being odd because of my behavior?" "Jerry, everyone here knows you to be a fine lawyer." "That's all I've ever heard discussed." "It's in my file that I'm violent because I pushed another lawyer once." " How do you know what's in your file?" " I have a mole- right here on my neck." "It's not like me to make awoke." "I hope it's in my file I'm funny." "That's a good social skill." "Given the evidence, a credible witness and documented proof that you were administered..." " the actual drug and not a placebo_" " Question." " Go." " When do you see yourself liking me?" "Uh, Mr. Post" " Daniel- um, plaintims attorney has been vey effective in turning the jury against you." "You come off as someone of privilege... who has everything the jury wants but doesn't have." " Except the girl." " Bottom line, it's in your best interest to settle." " How about we negotiate a settlement?" " I'm not following." "I agree to settle the case if you agree to stop talking about it and- and declare this an official date." "Have you ever done anything nice for anybody?" "Ever?" "You're tying to get a look under the hood." "Not until you agree." " Agreed." " The answer's yes." "But my mom taught me that it's impolite to brag about one's good works." "Then don't brag." "Tell." "What's to say?" "Um, my company sent thousands of pounds of supplies... down to New Orleans before FEMA even put its pants on." "I fund a charter school for learning-disabled kids here in South Boston." "I don't think the government does enough to help its people... so I give as much as I can." " Do you know why I can do that?" " You're a rich guy who throws his weight around." "It goes hand in hand." "Money gives me connections." "Connections let me do what I want, get what I want." "You really don't care what anybody thinks, do you?" "I got stage four lung cancer." "I don't give a damn what anybody I don't know thinks about me." "Life's too short." "Really." "One more question." "Why are you really settling?" "Did Mr. Hopper's testimony get to you?" "It did." "But don't get me wrong." "I-I" "I would do it again." "It was a chance." "And so I took it." "And, uh, as it turned out... the Pneumitrox didn't work as well as I'd imagined, so" "Given that I have less time than I'd hoped..." "I don't intend to waste that time fighting a lawsuit." "So I'll settle." "Now." "More wine?" "You look distressed." "Your Guns demo magazine late again?" "She hasn't called all day." " Ah." "Bev." " It's nearly4:" "OO." "She hasn't called the office." "She hasn't called my cell phone." "I checked the machine at home." " 9:15, 9:30, 9:45" " Okay." "I sense a pattern." "I've done something." "I bought her a gift." "I bought her a gift." "Well, in time, I'm sure she'll forgive you." "Don't you see?" "I didn't" " I didn't give her money, like I do most women." "I didn't have a personal shopper pick something out." "I shopped!" "And I, Denny Crane..." "I shopped!" "And I, Denny Crane... thought about what she would like." "Maybe I'm having a stroke." " Maybe it's the mad cow." " Maybe you're in love." " I am delirious with joy." " Denny, you enjoy being with Bev." "She enjoys being with you." "Why don't you just have fun in the moment?" "And leave it at that?" "I knew you wouldn't understand, you heartless bastard!" "Wow." "He's got it bad." "You shouldn't eavesdrop." "Yes, he does." "Vey." "You wanted me to tell you when that partnership voting thing was?" "Starts in 20 minutes." "And now we turn our attention to our next candidate, Brad Chase." "Excuse me." "Sorry to interrupt." "I have an urgent announcement to make regarding national security." "I don't think our county is being run vowel." "That concludes the national security announcement." "Now, on to other business." "I'm looking at a group of partners... in a world-class law firm... each of whom owes some of their success toner Swenson." "When any of you is stumped and you need someone... who has an encyclopedic knowledge of the law... and the creative spark to know how to apply it, whose door do you knock on?" "Mr. Shore, we appreciate your input, but you are not a partner." "Yes." "But that's only because I can't be trusted." "I have here the confidential report ornery Swenson... known to some of you who should know betters "Hands. "" "This report, while acknowledging that Jerry works very hard... and has an astute legal mind... also makes some veiled references to inappropriate behavior." "But really, this is about money, isn't it?" "And whether Jerry Swenson brings in enough?" "And don't we all just love our money?" "You people must realize that once the rainmakers... have brought in the million-dollar accounts... those clients expect excellent representation for their money." "And Jerry is a big part of what they're paying for." "My God, why isn't being brilliant enough?" "Why can't a lawyer be a valuable asset to this firm... without being a smiling Ken doll with an aggressive handshake?" "Does everyone at the firm have to be this guy?" "Mr. Shore, you have no standing at this meeting." "We would like to ask you to leave, please, now." "Jerry Swenson has given 15 years of his life to this firm." "His work has been essential." "How dare you invade the province of a private partnership meeting?" "I'm sorry." "I didn't think an invitation was forthcoming." "There's a lot you don't know about the business of running a law practice, Alan." " The first rule being" " It's a business." "I understand that." "But it's a service business." "You don't peddle widgets." "You don't push stocks." "You sell your people." "And as far as your people go, I'll take Jerry Swenson" " Don't give me" " Well, you need to hear it!" "I said nothing when you fired Sally Heap, whose only infraction was to sleep with me." "I made not a peep when you deftly ushered Lori Colson out of the firm." "I even understood when you fired Catherine Piper, a woman I profoundly adore." "I swallowed all obit, because I know it's a business." "But to abuse a talented, selfless employee only because his social skills lack polish... tallow him to work tirelessly under the delusion that he could make partner- a delusion you nurtured so as to make piles of money off him in the short term" "That's a betrayal, Shirley, not just offer... but of you and your character... which up till now, I have considered undeniably decent!" " Are you finished?" " No!" "Jerry Swenson no doubt will go off quietly into the night as the meek often do." "But somebody here has to get angry about it." "Otherwise, you'll just go off and blithely do it again." "We have not yet made a decision concerning Jerry Swenson." "When we do, I will call you first to tell you it is none of your concern." "There's a saying, Shirley." "Perhaps you've heard it." ""All it takes for evil to succeed is for good people to say, 'It's a business. "'" "I'd been given a death sentence." "You're the one person in this room that knows exactly what that's like." "And there was this drug." "And I thought it could help me." "So I used all my power and my influence to make sure that I got it." "But I didn't think it through... and I didn't think that there might be consequences for other people." "In this case, for you." "And I see now that I hurt you." "And I am sorry." "This is our offer." "It's the only one we're going to make." "And it expires when we walk out the door." "This is a very generous offer." "Just think about your family." " I don't care." " This could be very long and drawn out." " That's exactly what it should be." " What do you want?" "If take your money, it won't be hurting you." "The only thing that will really hurt you now is if take your time." "And that's exactly what I'm going to do." " I need to talk to you." " You'll talk to me." "No, I won't." "You have a wife." "You have a family." "You owe something to them." "But you also owe something to yourself." "I know this road." "Do not allow anger to consume the last days of your life." " Bev." " Yes, Denny Crane?" "Would you like some... money?" "I" " I" " I don't" "Bev, I'm afraid." " Of?" " Myself. of course." "As godlike as I seem to you and other people, there's a- there's a- a mortal inside this... godlike shell." "I don't trust myself." "Bottom line..." "I am not a one-woman man." "You know, Denny, we're both much too old for this, and too smart." " We are?" " Is there a powerful man out there... who hasn't felt what you're feeling?" "No." "So why fight it?" "I mean, people don't change their stripes and you don't want me to change you." "And I certainly don't want you to change me." "Therefore, Denny Crane... as long as we're together... feel free to have sex with anyone else you want." "Bev!" "I love you." "Brad, it was a enclose vote but... you made it." "You are now comically full partner at Crane, Poole  Schmidt." " Congratulations." " Thank you, Paul." "I will not let you down." "Brad." "On your knees." " What?" " Denny, must we do this every single time?" "My name on the door, the answer would byes." "On your knees." "Brad Chase, I hereby dub thee Brad Chase." " Welcome, partner." " Thank you... my lord?" " You wanted to see me, Shirley?" " Yes, Jerry." "Out of courtesy, I'll be brief." "I'm visor, but you won't be making partner." "But I've done everything I've been asked." "Your work here is considerable." "It's just not enough." " Not enough?" " I won't lead you on." "There will be no further opportunities for partnership." "However, we certainly appreciate all your hard work... and we welcome you to stay of counsel." " The choice is yours." " Okay." "You free for dinner?" "Because I got a private chef that makes a mean breakfast in bed." "You see where I'm going with this?" "A" " A friend of mine just made partner." "So we're going to celebrate." "You know, cake" " Rain check?" " Sure, sure, okay." "I got nothing but time." "Oh, wait." "You know, that's not true." "Mr. Lewiston tried to impress upon me... that I not consume the rest of my life with anger." "The truth is, anger can sates_... while despair is rather empty." " You don't seem very satisfied." " This isn't simply about vengeance, Mr. Post." "If you were the only one out there corrupting medical testing... perhaps I'd take your money, or if not, your apology." "But there are others like you." "Maybe this will send a message." "Maybe that will be the final legacy of my anger." "Guy acts like he's the only one dying around here." "About that dinner" "Not enough." "Not enough." "Where is my coffee mug?" " Surprise!" " Oh, no!" "Look at that!" "Not enough!" "It is not enough!" "It's not enough!" "My initials on the briefcase?" "Nice touch." "Jerry." "Why don't you come on in?" "Have a piece of cake." " Here, I'll get it for you." " No." "I can do it." "Okay." "How's that, Shirley?" "Is that enough?" "How about that?" "Is that enough?" "Is that" "Look, Hands- I mean, Jerry" "Everybody stand back!" "I'll kill her!" "I swear, I will kill her!" "I want to be made partner." "I'm going to draw up an agreement." "And you're going to sign it, Shirley." "It'll include a "hold harmless" clause for this assault." "This is a crime." "Hold harmless clauses are for insurance and real estate, not for crime." "Don't say crime." "We're just talking here." " It certainly won't cover attempted murder." " Don't say murder." "You, substandard first-year" " Go pull the criminal law treatise at 22 A. L. R. 3rd 1228." "Reference cases that hold extreme emotional conditions... diminish one's responsibility fore crime." "You!" "What do you think you're doing?" " Going to get one of your guns?" " No." "Why would I do that?" "The one day I don't wear my sock holster." "You, substandard partner" "_teem Rosenberg versus Kaplan." "273 Mass. 411." "The facts of the case can be construed to uphold an employment contract... even though it's entered into under duress." "You, hot secretary that makes me nervous" "Get me a copy of the firm's partnership agreement... and prepare to make some changes." " Larry, this is never going to work." " Pipe down." "Don't stand." "Go." "Get my guns!" " I'm calling the police." " Which gun should I get?" "No guns!" "Just look at the damn cases." "Subsection one, upon his or her motion... a named partner may unilaterally reconsider... the rejection of a senior associate for partnership." " Did you get all that?" " Yes, Jerry." "Please type it up." "Clackety-clack!" " What's going on?" " Hands went nuts." "I found the cases you wanted." "They're excellent." "Thank you." " Jerry, what are you doing?" "Taking matters into my own hands." "That's right, people." "I said hands." "See, I can be just as funny as you jokesters." " Why aren't you all laughing?" " Don't do this, Jerry, please." "Stop now, before this gets too out offhand" "Control." "I will help you." "Like you did with the partnership?" "You don't want to throw away an entire life's worth of work... over one emotional outburst." "I don't want to see the most gifted legal mind..." "I have ever encountered rotting in a prison cell." "Now put down the knife, Jerry." "On one condition." "You represent me once I'm arrested." "I can't." "That's a conflict of interest." "I don't care." "You know the firm can waive that conflict." "I know that you'll honor that waiver, because if nothing else, you're a man of your word." " Make the deal." " I'll represent you." "Now hand me the knife." "Oh!" "Everyone!" "This is the cake I want for my birthday." "This is really good work." "I assume it's clear to you now why we couldn't machinery partner." "I have to be with my client." "Well, there's not much to tell, really." "We were married for 1 O years... , and in love for, we'll probably half that." "It's probably hard loving a golf bum." " You want to hear something really awful?" " Taxi!" "When we first got married, I knew deep down that he would never amount to anything." "And somehow, I was okay with that." "So what are your plans now?" "You, um, dating?" "Occasionally." "Actually, not at all." "Little problem with commitment, huh?" "I know the feeling." "I'm, um, not looking for a long-term relationship either." "What I don't understand is how he got his hands... from the cake to Shirley's neck so quickly." "You know, Denny, I can't actually talk about this with you... now that Jerry's my client." "You aren't really going to represent him, are you?" " I gave him my word." " Oh, please." "We're lawyers." "He's a wack job." "By the way, did I tell you?" "Bev and I are getting married." "No." " I would've remembered that." " Yeah, well" " She's the one." " Yes." "She seems like the one." "Congratulations, Denny." "I want to assure you that my impending nuptials won't change anything between us." "No impact what so ever." "I got to go." "We're registering for flatware." "You stinker!"