"Oh, hey, listen." "My parents called." "Instead of taking us to lunch tomorrow for our first anniversary they thought we should all go out and plant trees together." "Why?" "Because the first anniversary is the paper anniversary." " Okay." " And paper comes from trees." "So by replenishing the source of paper other couples have diminished we're baancing our karmic debt with the planet." "A year ago you woud've thought that was crazy." "Yeah." "Look at me grow." "You know, Dharma, reay don't wanna plant trees for our anniversary." "'M not doing back fips about having dinner with your parents at Café Snooty." "Café Snooty was booked, but they got us a table at the Pompous Room." "Welcome to the Pompous Room." "May check madam's poe or will she be keeping it up her butt?" "Can't beieve we're spending our anniversary with our parents." "Have we learned nothing?" "I know." "But they made plans." "If we ditch them now, that' hurt their feeings." "Why don't we te them a itte white ie?" "Some reason we have to be alone." "Like we're a itte gassy and there's just no sign of it etting up." "Sure." "We could say that." "Or how about this?" "How about we tell them that we're having a big fight?" "Oh, marita probems." "That's good." "Then we can save gassy for Thanksgiving." "Okay." "Hi, Mom." "Listen." "We..." "We have a problem for tomorrow night." "We, don't know how to say this except to say it." "Dharma and I need to be alone to work out some problems." "What kind of problems?" "You're into women's cothes and you stretched out my pants." "We, it's reay..." "t's nothing reay to worry about." "We're just very different peope, and, you know she can be a little bit flaky sometimes." "Not flaky." "More flitty." "Flighty?" "Mom, I gotta go." "Well, our brilliant plan worked." "Boy, are we brilliant." "You can call your mom now." "Flighty?" " I had to make up something." " Why did you pick that?" "Because I had to say something she'd beieve." "She'd beieve." "Not me." "My mother." "Darn her and her false perceptions of you not based on a single shred of evidence." "Excuse me one second." "Abby." "Listen, we're not gonna be abe to make it tomorrow." "Greg and I are having a huge fight." "No, that's not gonna hep." "Because 'm never having sex with him again." "' Ca you tomorrow." "There." "We have the whole day to ourselves." "So do you wanna go away somewhere or just stay home and cuddle?" " What are you doing?" " 'M being fighty." "Are you gonna do this all the way up to Napa?" "'M sorry." "'M being defensive and it's totay cutting off our communication." "Greg, you are allowed to fee that 'm fighty." "I just wish that you felt it was safe enough to just come out and tell me." "T's okay." "All right." "You know that sometimes you can be a little irresponsible." "But in a fun, flighty way." " Right?" " Right." "Okay?" "T's fine." "T's your feeing, and feelings are fine." "Thank you." "Of course, maybe you woudn't fee I was flighty if you weren't the word's most humongous fuddy-duddy." "Which means exactly what?" "Greg, you've circed the best rest stops from San Francisco to Napa." "Everybody wants a clean bathroom, but nobody wants to do the research." "Fuddy-duddy." "Planning a few things makes me a fuddy-duddy?" "No." "Planning a few things only makes you a fuddy." "Planning everything makes you a fuddy-duddy." "I do not plan everything." "Greg, we have dinner reservations for New Year's Eve in the year 2000." "At our second choice." "Somebody dilly-dallied till March before she made up her mind." " Sorry I dilly-dallied, Mr. Fuddy-Duddy." "Fuddy-duddy." "Okay, what kind of fuddy-duddy does this?" "Greg, this isn't a road." "Roads are for fuddy-duddies." "Okay." "Cow." "I wanna thank you guys for coming." "I know you were probably busy planning your Columbus Day protests." "Our what?" "You' ony make it onger." "Our children are clearly in a crisis situation." "And I think if we band together as a family, we can help them through this." "What did Dharma tell you?" "Every time I go in or out of the apartment close the door so the dogs don't get out." "Larry, let me." "She asked us to dog-sit so she and Greg could have some time alone to work on his issues." " What do you mean, his issues?" "I was led to believe this is Dharma's probem." "The problem is not Dharma." "Well, it is certainly not Gregory." "No, we're not baming him." "T's not his faut that he didn't have a warm, loving relationship to model his marriage after." "I mean, no offense." "None taken." "What do you mean, no offense?" "Offense." "And talk about role models." "How can you expect your daughter to sustain a marriage when her parents aren't even married?" "Excuse me." "We're engaged." "Mazel tov." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, how do I know, Larry?" "'M not Jewish." "It always comes down to that." "It never comes down to that." "You would be annoying no matter what religion you were." "Oh, look." "They get the Golf Channel on 27." " Edward, turn that off." " For us that's Nickeodeon." "Turn it off." " Wait a minute." " Please." "We're fighting and the kids are fighting." "' Bet Mercury's in retrograde." "Are you sure?" "Perhaps you should double-check it on the Ouija board." "No, 'm pretty sure." "Yeah." "You know, we should call them and tell them." "Did Greg tell you where they were staying?" " No." " That's strange." "Because they didn't te us either." "Sounds to me ike they're just trying to get away from us." "Channe 7's the same." "What are you doing?" "Wishing 'd gone to a prep schoo that offered auto shop." "Maybe we just ran out of gas." "Didn't run out of gas." "Never run out." "I never let it go below a quarter-tank." "T's bad for the car." "Do you think it might have been bad for the car when you drove across the stream to get back onto the road?" "You just wanna fight with me today, don't you?" "Whatever's going on with the kids, it can't hep that their in-aws don't get aong." " That's true." "Edward's parents were very mean to my parents." "They always looked down on them." "That's because my parents never met anyone who owned a gas station before." "My father owned every Standard Oil station between here and the Canadian border." "That's what just said." "Didn't just say that?" "You know when I moved in with Larry, his mother put a curse on me." "That would be a curse in addition to living with Larry?" "Yes." "Look at us now." "We're taking, we're sharing." " We can get along." " Well, of course we can." "A right, et's buid on this." "Let's each go around the room and say something nice about the other." "'M not very comfortabe with that sort of thing." " ' Start." " Yes." "Kitty." "Think you're a very bright and sophisticated lady." "And I think you're a very discerning man." "Edward, your turn." "We're taking about me." "Oh, God." "T must've been ike 10 mies." "Eight point six." "You brought your pedometer?" "This way we know exactly how far back the car is." "A good fuddy-duddy woud've forgotten his pedometer but remembered his cell phone." "Didn't forget it." "I left it at home so our parents coudn't disturb us." "Oh, yours doesn't have the off button, huh?" "No." "But I sure could use one right now." "Oh, man." "Hello." "Hello!" "We need to use your phone." "Greg, there's nobody in there." "Why are you knocking on the door?" "You're right." "Knocking is fuddy-duddy." "Greg." "Jeez, do you have anything between fuddy-duddy and criminal?" "'M just gonna ca AAA write a check for the window, and we' get out of here." "Good." "Write a check." "Then they' know who we are." "Okay, okay, ' eave cash." "The window's broken." "Anyone can just come and take it." "Will you please just let me do this?" "Evening." " Evening." " Evening." "What happened to the door?" "A rock." "Thrown by some out-of-towners who threw it and then continued on out of town." "We were just calling the police." "God, you guys are good." "Never mind." "I thought Maude closed the place down." " She did." " Due to a death in the family." " We..." "She called us to fill in for her." " Because she went to the death." "Well, then how about a chicken-fried steak?" "One hot cow in a henhouse, coming up." "How about another slice of pie?" "No, shoudn't." "Is that your belly talking, or is it your conscience?" " All right." " That's my itte crime fighter." "The pie's a hit." "Dharma, we're trying to get rid of him." "Sti, there's no reason to be rude." "You want a reason?" "How about this?" "We broke into this diner and we' go to jai." "How about a little less worrying and a little more cooking?" "I need a tuna melt at table three and a soup of the day." "We don't have a soup of the day." " Why not?" " Because this isn't our diner." " Hey, Burke." " Hey, Linda." " Where's Maude?" " Death in the family." "This is her cousin Tina from Sacramento." "Howdy." "Mug of mud?" " 'M sorry?" " Cup of joe?" " Don't..." " Coffee?" "You betcha." "Didn't know Maude had any relatives in Sacramento." "We, there's a ot about Maude you don't know." "Yeah." "Like what?" "Ever wonder why she gets a large bottle of Jean Naté every Vaentine's Day from Tom Jones?" "Order's up, Tina." "Hold your horses." " Maude had an affair with Tom Jones?" " Yup." "Went to his concert, threw her panties at him." "Well, a lot of women throw their panties at Tom Jones." "But Maude didn't take hers off." "'M not kidding." "Order's up." "'M coming, ke." " Ike and Tina?" " That's just his nickname." "Their last name is Eisenhower." "What are you doing?" "'M a waitress in a diner." "F don't gossip, they' be suspicious." "If you come out from behind the counter, limp." " You have a bum wheel." " What?" "A wooden leg." " Why?" " Because you're aergic to pastic." "No, no, no." "Why did I lose my leg?" "Okay." "F you're taking to tabe three, you were mangled by a cotton gin." "But if you're taking to tabe nine, our pit bull, Misty, turned on you." "Anybody call for a tow truck?" "No." "When did you call a tow truck?" "An hour ago, when I thought we were a chicken-fried steak away from getting out of here." " Anybody?" " No." "Alvin, could you do me a favor?" "There's an abandoned back Saab about 10 miles up the road." "Could you tow it over to the impound lot in Greenlee?" "Can do." "T's actuay eight point six." "Larry Finkelstein, you are just a big, silly goose." "Wait, wait, wait." "There's more." "So Abby's parents had no idea what 'd panted on the corner of their farm." "All they know is the cows are grazing their brains out and acting all paranoid." " Why?" " Don't know." "You know what?" "The four of us should throw the kids an anniversary party." "We could show them how we we're getting aong." "That's a terrific idea, Abby." "You have terrific ideas." "And you and I can handle the food." "And Larry and Edward can be in charge of the decorations." " Yes." " And there's a terrific idea from Kitty." "Kitty, you have terrific ideas." "Thank you, Goose." "Good night, Tina." "Oh, good night." "Remember, it's ony a pu-out couch on a screened-in porch but you're wecome to stay when you're in Sacramento." "Thanks." " Tina, can I get a refill?" " Another one?" "I thought it was my husband who had the hollow leg." " Give him the check and get him out." " We don't charge cops in our diner." "T's not our diner." " Tina, I need another cream down here." " Gotcha." "Staring at me ain't ceaning the gri, ke." "So, Burke, having a little tiff with the missus, are you?" "How'd you know?" "We, there's ony two reasons a man would drink as much coffee as you:" "Woman trouble or a really dumb coffee-drinking contest." "Don't know what to do." "Ike." "Here are the tofu cannoli." "What are you doing?" "Oh, 'm removing the crusts so we can make those little sandwiches." "Okay." "That's one way." "And Finkelstein back to pass." "And touchdown." "Success." " Let's see it." " Marveous pace, that Kinky's." "Tofu cannoli for the decorating committee." "I sprinkled the powdered sugar on top with my hands." " What the hell is this?" " T's a banner." ""Happy anniversary, Greg and Dharma, from Kitty and Edward."" "Where are our names?" "You said you didn't want to go havesies." "Because it was 50 bucks." "But I didn't think you'd eave our names off." "So 'm supposed to pay for you?" "What is it with you liberals?" "Always looking for a free ride." "Hey, we pay our fair share." "Oh, sure." "Like you did with the wedding, I suppose." "Why should we pay to have it in your club so you can show off to your friends?" " Hold on." " Show off?" "Let me tell you something." "A right." "We're haf the parents." "I want half the banner." "You want half the banner?" "All right." "You get half the banner." "Yeah, fine." "Here's your change." "Oh, Larry." "Come on, Larry." "Oh, Finkestein, you've got a..." "What?" "Nothing." "Oh, that's cever." "You know, Ike and I have had our share of fights in our 12 years of marriage." "Has it been 12 years, pumpkin?" "Absolutely, dumpling." "He always forgets those two years he was in the coma." "We're so different." " What's the point?" " The differences are the point." "I mean, can compain about ke's pigeons being in every room of the house." "But what I have to remember is what drew me to him in the first place was his selfless love of filthy birds." "And by the same token whie find Tina's incessant consumption of bacon grotesque it does make her hair so soft." "And I know he appreciates it because he's kept every inch of hair 've ever cut off." "Show him the big ball, sweet cheeks." "That's okay." "No, I should..." "I should probably get home to the wife." "We, if you don't, somebody ese wi." "Speaking of, if you two need some spicing up Ike and I swing." "You folks have a good night, now." "We swing?" "I find it degrading, but you always insist." "Come here." "Let's go." "Hey, Maude had herself a pretty good night." "Yeah, me too. 16.47 in tips." "There you go, Maude." "Buy yourself something pretty." "Hey, where do you think we' be on our 12th anniversary?" "Know where we' be." "'Ve got it a panned out." "You're kidding." "You're not kidding?" "No, you've gotta be kidding." "Pease te me you're kidding." "Hey, Tina." "You gonna take that apron off?" "I like it, Ike." "Oh, boys." "Oh, God, 'm so gad to be home." "Me too." "What's that sme?" "Smells like someone in the building is cooking tofu cannoli." "Yeah." "That would be my guess." "Come on." "Let's go to seep." "Hey, Greg?" "What's "Dward"?"