"ANNOUNCER:" "In the last episode of Soap," "Mary told Jessica she thinks Burt isn't really Burt, but is really somebody else, but Jessica told her that Burt really has to be Burt." "Meanwhile, the real Burt, who is really on the spaceship, has had Saul, who is also being held captive, try to beam them both back." "And as if Mary doesn't really have enough problems, she is still really worried about what has really happened to Danny, and who can blame her?" "Because no one really knows what has happened to Danny." "And even though Jessica really chose Chester," "Detective Donohue is still around, because every time he tries to leave, he faints and throws up and really can't get out the door." "Really confused?" "You won't be after this episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate... and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates... and these are the Campbells... and this is..." "Soap." "Burt!" "Burt!" "[ALL SHOUTING]" "[CROWD CHEERING]" "[SNARLING]" "We begin this episode shortly after Burt and Saul have beamed themselves down from the spaceship." "What is this?" "Where are we?" "I'm hoping Madison Square Garden." "But I doubt it." "I think it's the Colosseum." "Los Angeles?" "Rome." "Rome?" "Rome?" "Saul, you told me you knew how to work the beamer." "How many times you put a piece of toast in the toaster, it burns?" "I miscalculated." "[CHAINS RATTLING]" "Well, fellas." "I've got good news..." "and bad news." "The good news is you're getting out." "[RELIEVED SIGH]" "The bad news is you're going to the lions." "[LAUGHS]" "[LAUGHING] Whoo!" "Whoo!" "[LAUGHTER SUBSIDES]" "All right, Christians." "Get moving." "We are Jewish." "Jews usually dress better." "Besides, the lions won't care." "[CHUCKLES]" "Now, get moving!" "What's that?" "A remote beamer." "I brought it just in case." "Well... use it, do something, make it work." "Looks like one of those little pocket calculators, doesn't it?" "Those things are a godsend." "I never could balance a checkbook before." "Push it!" "Hold my hand." "Come on, get going." "Here goes." "Where's this?" "What is...?" "Look at this." "Look." "Look where you've beamed us this time." "Mexico." "The world's most dangerous food." "Get us out of here." "All right!" "You dirty, stinking revolutionaries!" "It's all over now." "You have worn your last sombrero." "Get us out of here." "Hit the remote, quick." "I-I can't." "My hands are tied." "Saul!" "I don't know why they bother with a firing squad." "They should just make us drink the water." "Shut up!" "You have danced your last hat dance." "[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]" "Ask for a cigarette." "I don't smoke." "You will." "You'll eat them if you have to." "Psst." "Señor." "¿Qué pasa?" "Pardon me, uh..." "Pardon me, sir, but, uh..." "I believe, uh... we're entitled to a last cigarette." "You're entitled to nothing, you dirty, lousy, stinking revolutionary." "You're probably right." "Uh, a momentito, herr..." "amigo... but, uh... all firing squad prisoners are entitled to a final cigarette, in accordance with the Marlboro Act." "Okay." "Okay." "[BARKING ORDERS IN SPANISH]" "I would..." "I would like, uh..." "one of the long ones." "Menthol would be nice." "This is your last cigarette, you lousy gringo." "Just as well." "Vicious habit." "[COUGHS]" "[COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY]" "Delicious." "Wonderful." "What brand is this?" "Shut up and smoke!" "Did you get the remote?" "Yes." "All right!" "No more smoking." "This is it, you dirty, stinking revolutionaries." "You have kissed your last muchacha." "[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]" "It's not working." "Get us out of here." "I'm trying, I'm trying." "Firing squad!" "Ready!" "Do something!" "Aim!" "Fire!" "[GUNSHOTS]" "¿Qué pasa?" "[JESSICA GIGGLING]" "No!" "No, Chester." "No, we can't." "Why not?" "Because..." "Detective Donohue is right down the hall." "So what?" "He'll hear." "You make too much noise." "I'll be quiet, I promise." "No, Chester, you're never quiet." "Several hotels have asked us never to come back." "[KNOCK AT DOOR]" "Come in." "I'm sorry to bother you, but while I was brushing my teeth," "I splashed water all over your pajamas." "Do you think I could borrow another pair?" "They'll dry." "Oh, Chester, he might catch his death of cold." "Exactly." "Hi." "Hi." "I missed you." "We missed you too." "Really?" "Donohue, do you mind?" "We saw each other at dinner 15 minutes ago." "Seems like so much longer." "Good night, Jessica." "Good night, Chester." "[GIGGLING]" "Where were we?" "Oh, Chester, no, we can't." "He'll hear." "I'll be quiet, I promise." "No, you're never quiet." "I'll be quick." "[KNOCK AT DOOR]" "CHESTER:" "What?" "Excuse me." "Hope I didn't interrupt anything." "I'll bet you do." "Did I?" "Donohue, what do you want?" "I can't wear silk pajamas." "I'll slide right out of bed." "Wear sneakers." "[LAUGHS]" "Chester..." "Hi." "Hi." "Isn't this fun?" "Yes, it's just like camp." "Out." "Good night, Jessica." "Good night." "Good night, Chester." "Jess, he has got to go." "Chester, he tries, he does, but he passes out and throws up every time he gets near the door." "Jess, he has got to go, and you've got to tell him." "[KNOCK AT DOOR]" "Can I come in?" "What do you want this time, Donohue?" "You want them in a different color?" "Aspirin." "I have a headache." "Fine." "Aspirin." "Jessica." "Hi." "Hi." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Marry me." "George..." "I thought if I could catch you off guard..." "George... you know, you have to go." "Well, I will, as soon as he comes back with the aspirin." "No, I don't mean that." "I mean..." "Come." "Now you really have to go." "You mean... for good?" "Yes." "This is goodbye?" "Yes." "Jessica, I'll never see you again?" "Oh..." "I don't know." "Perhaps we will meet again someday, in another life." "In another life, you could be an avocado, and I could be a spider, and... how would I recognize you?" "Well..." "I'll be the only avocado flirting with a spider." "Oh, George, I am sorry, but..." "I had to make a choice." "You see, it's like loving chocolate and vanilla ice cream, and only being allowed one scoop, so you have to give up one flavor." "You could have vanilla fudge." "I love you." "I really love you." "And I'll never forget you." "Oh, Jess, don't." "No, it's okay, it really is." "You don't know what you've given me." "Before you, I thought love could never be in my life again." "You proved that... it could be." "You've given me love." "More than that, you've given me hope." "I'm going to be okay, Jess." "Goodbye, Jessica." "Goodbye, George." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Donohue." "Goodbye, Jessica." "Goodbye, George." "Goodbye, Chester." "Goodbye." "George..." "No?" "No." "[SNAPS FINGERS]" "I'll see you." "Hi, Jess." "Oh, hi, Mary." "Oh, coffee." "Good." "I'm absolutely exhausted." "I haven't slept in nights." "Well, neither have I." "Insomnia?" "Burt." "You?" "Chester." "Oh, great, coffee." "I haven't slept a wink all night." "Well, what kept you up?" "Dutch." "That's odd." "He's still in jail." "Oh, I know, but he's getting out tomorrow, and I'm so excited, I can't sleep." "Oh, God." "Give me some coffee." "I was up all night." "I knew it." "I knew it." "I knew eventually Tim would." "Tim won't." "Then why didn't you sleep?" "Because I was afraid he'd wake up and want to, and if I fell asleep I'd miss it." "Plus, there was all that noise coming from your room." "She means all of the..." "The talking and the singing we do." "Really, Mother." "Daddy sounds like he is being murdered." "Eunice." "He does." "Once, in a hotel, when we got to where Chester yells, well, you see, this man kicked in our door, grabbed Chester, flipped him over, and started cardiac massage." "Well, you know, it is surprising that Chester is like that, because, I mean, you know," "Chester is not a particularly wild person." "Generally speaking, he doesn't even take off his pajamas." "Burt could use some chloroform." "[JESSICA GIGGLES]" "Could we talk about something else, please?" "Corinne, there must be something you can do to turn Tim on." "If it was Burt, all you'd have to do is show up." "What about high heels and a garter belt?" "High heels and a garter belt?" "I'm telling you, just forget it." "Works with Dutch." "Well, I threw away all my garter belts when they invented pantyhose." "Pantyhose will not turn anyone on." "Burt." "Once, when Chester wasn't paying a lot of attention to me," "I tried something that I heard this woman did." "When her husband came home from work, she greeted him wearing a see-through apron, and he practically attacked her, so I tried it." "You wore a see-through apron?" "That's right." "I don't believe it." "Well, it didn't work anyway, because Chester just asked me if I was cooking dinner that night." "You wore just a see-through apron?" "Just the apron?" "Yeah, Ma, just the apron." "You mean, that woman wore just the apron?" "I hope she wasn't cooking bacon." "See, the thing is, no matter what you do, it's never really perfect, is it?" "Sometimes." "Once in a while." "I remember a few." "It is always perfect in the movies, though." "Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy." "Cary Grant and Grace Kelly." "Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh." "Peter Sellers." "And who?" "No one." "He's just so funny." "I love him." "[SNIFFLING]" "Oh, my head." "Your head?" "My allergist could retire from this place." "[SNEEZES]" "Where am I?" "Where are you?" "You're in a barn." "Look at this." "Straw, hay, feathers." "[SNEEZES]" "Millie, what's going to happen?" "It's hard to say." "Usually my eyes water, then I get a rash." "No, I mean with me." "Oh, I'm not supposed to tell you." "I promised Mel." "He's going to shoot me, isn't he?" "Oh, Danny, please don't ask me." "I can't do anything about it." "Why not?" "Mel will get mad." "You look nice." "What?" "I mean, considering what you've been through." "I'm touched." "No, really." "Believe me, I've seen a lot of guys tied up, so it's not that..." "Oh, you got beautiful eyes." "[GASPS]" "Oh, and your chest is nice too." "Well, uh, how about untying my hands?" "I'm not allowed." "Well, I can't very well touch you if my hands are tied." "Oh, Danny." "I'm sorry." "I'm a little less sorry." "MEL:" "Yo, Millie!" "Uh, yo, Mel!" "Hiya, baby." "Hi." "Uh, we were just talking about you." "Get in the car." "Mel..." "And grab some eggs on your way out." "Mel, do we really have to kill him?" "Millie, go wait in the car." "Millie..." "Mel..." "Millie..." "Mel..." "Danny..." "Millie!" "Mel!" "Mel..." "Millie!" "Danny..." "Millie..." "Say your prayers, sport." "Mel!" "Millie..." "Oh!" "Millie!" "Danny." "Thank God." "Let's tie him up, call the cops, and get out of here." "Oh, you go." "I can't leave Mel." "I have nowhere to go." "Millie, he belongs in jail." "You can come home with me." "Come on, untie me." "You mean, you really want me?" "Well, I can't leave you here with him." "Come on." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm sure." "You want me to come home with you?" "Yes." "Could we get married?" "We'll talk." "Um, Brockhurst Investments?" "Yes, is, uh, Mr. Brockhurst in?" "This is Chester Tate." "What?" "Joyce?" "Well, hi." "Well, yeah, it has been a while." "Well, you know." "This and that." "Yeah, well, I'm afraid I don't do that anymore." "Oh, excuse me?" "Well, yeah, maybe sometime." "Lunch sounds fine." "Is, uh, Mr. Brockhurst..." "What?" "Well, I admit the offer is certainly tempting, but I..." "I couldn't possibly..." "What?" "You're kidding." "I didn't know they made them in leather." "No, no, Joyce, no." "I..." "I really must decline." "I'm a new man now, Joyce." "I'm a one-girl guy." "What's past is past." "That's all behind me..." "What?" "You're joking." "Well, what do you do with it?" "Oh, yeah, I'll bet, huh?" "Yeah, well, now, I-I'd really love to, but I can't..." "What?" "Oh, well, sure." "A drink sometime." "Absolutely." "There's no harm in a little drinky-poo for old times' sake." "Of course." "Yeah, me too." "Oh, listen, Joyce, there's no reason to apologize." "I understand completely." "Sure." "Yeah, same here." "Take care of yourself." "I'll see you in half an hour." "Hello, dear." "Uh, Chester..." "What are you doing?" "Got to go, Jess." "Where?" "Brockhurst Investments." "They may have an opening for me." "Oh, Chester." "That's wonderful, just wonderful." "What position?" "I'll, uh..." "know when I get there." "You must be very excited." "As a matter of fact, I am." "Chester, you could go all the way with that company." "Knock on wood." "Bye, dear." "Bye." "Chester?" "Good luck." "Well, that's that." "Oh, that was fast." "I didn't realize how far behind I got." "Well, I think being held captive by the Sunnies is an acceptable excuse." "Anyway, I really appreciate this time you're taking with me." "Well, we can, uh, either tackle the Renaissance, or send out for pizza." "Pizza?" "You eat pizza?" "Teachers can't eat pizza?" "No, what I mean is, you'd probably rather eat dinner out with your husband." "Not really." "Well, maybe you'd like to call Mr. Walker and let him know where you are." "I promise I won't cheat while you're gone." "Mr. Walker's in Cleveland." "Do you need change for the phone?" "Mr. Walker and I are divorced." "Oh, jeez, I'm sorry, Mrs. Walker." "Would you like a glass of water or something?" "No, I'm pretty much over it, thanks." "Listen, it's still early." "Maybe you could still go out." "I don't go out." "You mean you don't date?" "Well, it's very hard to get back into dating after you've been involved in a long-term relationship." "Yeah, I know what you mean." "Men have a strange attitude toward divorced women." "Here." "The Renaissance." "What do you mean?" "Well, I mean Italy, uh, 14th century to 17th century." "No, I mean about men's attitudes." "Oh." "Well, they all think that just because you're divorced, you're an easy target." "So what do you do?" "Go home." "Read." "Feed the fish." "Read some more." "Feed the fish some more." "My eyes are very weak and my fish look like Oldsmobiles." "[LAUGHS]" "I love that." "What?" "Reading and fish." "That's what it's all about." "You may be right." "Do you know, I read that the common guppy has a one in 500 shot at reaching maturity?" "[WHIMPERS]" "Actually, it's probably more like a one in 300." "[SOBS]" "Okay, look, I made that up." "They all live, and none of them die." "They can never die." "Hey, look, you're real upset." "I'll go." "We can do this some other time." "No, no." "Hey, Billy, don't go." "If it weren't for you," "I'd have absolutely nothing to do at all." "Come on, stay." "We'll just go back to work." "Are you sure?" "Yes, really." "I'm sorry." "It's just that.... well, it's been a while since I've really talked to anybody." "Yeah?" "Could I get you an apple?" "[SOBBING]" "Mrs. Walker, please, don't do this to yourself." "You'll find someone." "My God, you're the most wonderful, beautiful person I know." "Why do you think your class is so popular?" "You think the boys are nuts about ancient history?" "It's you." "We spend the whole time just staring at you." "Why do you think our marks are so bad?" "I mean, if you looked like a turtle, we'd graduate in half an hour." "[LAUGHS]" "Oh, Billy." "You're funny." "And you're terrific." "So don't do this to yourself anymore, okay?" "Thanks, Billy." "You know, you've made me feel better." "Turtle?" "[LAUGHS]" "You're a good guy, Billy." "Call me Bill." "Thanks, Bill." "[♪]" "ANNOUNCER:" "Now that Detective Donohue has left, will Jessica be happy with her choice of Chester?" "Now that Chester is playing around again, will Chester be happy with her choice of Chester?" "Now that Millie has saved him from Mel, who will save Danny from Millie?" "What has happened to Saul and Burt in Mexico?" "Did they get away?" "Did they die?" "Did they have time to take in a bullfight?" "Will there be extracurricular activity between Billy and his teacher?" "These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."