"Good morning... your Royal Highness." "You knew it was me?" "I'm..." "I'm in disguise, Gilbert." "I thought you were going to drop the tray, thinking I was a Palace intruder." "I'm wearing a false bloody moustache for goodness' sake." "It's a splendid disguise, sir." "Perhaps it's your demeanour, something innate you Royals have that we mere mortals don't." "Oh, I see." "Not a lot I can do about that!" "I could limp, perhaps." "Or... or stoop." "May one ask the reason for the subterfuge, sir?" "I'm going out... into the streets." "Just another non-descript... bloke, going about his business." "Another non-descript bloke going about his business in £800 hand-stitched brogues?" "Oh, yes." "Well spotted, Gilbert." "I have to say, I'm still in shock about this abdication issue." "I just didn't think you'd be leaving so soon, especially in such a shabby outfit." "You look as if you're off to a girlie mag shop in Soho." "Is this what being anonymous means to you?" "I just want a taste of what the future might bring." "Something changed when I went to Salford and met the girls." "I..." "I felt liberated." "I was connecting with real people in a real place." "Sir, you meet people all over the country." "In the last three weeks you've visited a hydroelectric plant, a microbrewery and a ball bearings factory." "Oh, no, but, Gilbert, I don't connect." "I'm wheeled in by my entourage, I say a few words, shake some hands, have a glass of sherry then they Land Rover me away again." "Walking out of the Palace is just as hard as walking in, sir." "Does one have an exit strategy?" "Don't worry, Gilbert." "I know a bit about the covert world." "His Royal Highness is leaving the building under the radar." "Your Royal Highness." "Yeah, could put those on." "Check camera 14." "HM is in the art gallery." "Seems to have grown a moustache since I saw him last." "Must be going off the reservation." "'Subject heading to Admiralty Arch." "Over.'" "'Technically, he's not a subject, is he, Dave?" "'You and me are subjects." "'He's a monarch." "Over.'" "'Roger that." "Monarch in a moustache heading towards Admiralty Arch.'" "Gilbert, you have the King's ear more than any of us." "What's your take on this abdication issue?" "Well, I think everyone reaches a point in life where they wonder," ""What if?"" "I mean I've been in service for years, but there was a time when I wanted to live in Corfu and open a little taverna." "Common sense prevailed." "I had an amorfu with a girl called Letitia." "Quite exotic." "Had a snake tattoo on the inside of her thigh." "She wanted me to run off with her to Marrakech." "Common sense prevailed?" " Yes." " I can't see the King being anything but a king." "Exactly." "And we must head this nonsense off at the pass." "Have you any idea where he is?" "He might've gone for his swim." "Or a jog round the garden." "Hornsbury Bray." "He's where?" "Can I help you?" "Yes, I was hoping you could take a break and we could grab a coffee." "Oh, my goodness!" "Is that you, your Royal Highness?" "Under that thing." "It's me." "Incognito." " Does no-one know you're here?" " Not a soul." "It feels amazing." "So... how about that coffee?" "Go on, then." "Is the disguise because you're meeting me?" "No." "Course not." "Well, it is in a way." "One has to be discreet." "See, I'm not always at liberty to do the things I want to do, but today I felt like doing this." "I'm also protecting you" " from plunging your life into paparazzi hell." " I see." "It's also about freedom, Serena." "Me being who I really am." "And also I..." "I did really want to see you again." "You might want to fix that." "Oh." "Now, you know I'm not demanding, but I must insist on a better television so that I can tell one jockey from another." ""Good morning, Charlotte."" "Oh." "The hounds are scenting a story." "Those are worse." "'Enery's 'ad enough."" "How vulgar." "There's a picture of Alistair in that one." "Poor Alistair." "He's such a good boy." "And they choose this picture of him on a yacht in his budgie smugglers." "It's the press." "They're just bloody vile." " Who's that young lady with him?" " It says she's a dancer with Lady Gaga." " Lady Gaga?" " Gaga!" "Oh, she's a famous singer." "She once wore a dress made of meat." "Perhaps if I had a better television" "I might be able to keep up with all these things." "Your Royal Highness." "You wanted to see me, Ma'am?" "I wondered how the king reacted to these headlines." "I imagine he's appalled, but he gave us the slip earlier and he's currently having coffee in the park with a f... with a false moustache." "I just find it terribly easy to confide in you Serena." "I don't have anyone like that in the Palace except my valet." " What about your wife?" " Er, no, not really." "Katerina and I have drifted apart over the years and of course she's, erm..." "Scandinavian." "Oh, aye, they're a bit odd that lot." "Look, would it be all right if I telephoned you some time?" " Just for a... - chat, that sort of thing." " Sure." " Give me your phone, I'll put my number in." " Erh, no, I haven't got it with me." "OK, I'll write it down." "Or you could always Skype me." " Skype?" " Then we can see each other and it's cheaper, isn't it?" "Oh, yeah, no, much cheaper." "Yes, of course." "No, I use it all the time." " Thanks." " Bye." "Bye." " What's that?" " Two coffee, Tunnock teacake." " Oh, erm, you want money?" " Yes, money." "Oh, erm... the thing is I don't have any." "Never carry cash." "Then we have problem." "Oh, erm, well, I can send a chap with the money as soon as I get home." "It's just the other end of the Mall." " No." "Leave watch." " I couldn't possibly." "This was given to me by the Prime Minister of Japan." "Wait!" "Got a problem, sir?" "Byron, where on earth did you spring from?" " Just happened to be passing, sir." " God, what a stroke of luck." " We agreed to put a lid on this." " I've no idea how the story got out, sir." " Well it did." "Now you have the Fleet Street contacts." "Contact them." "Spike this." "Offer them anything they need." "Cash, call girls, cocaine." "Thing is, the King seemed pretty adamant on, you know... moving on." "The King isn't moving anywhere." "I just need 24 hours, by which time HM will have come to his bloody senses." "Your Majesty." " Something up?" " No." "No, no problem." "Everything's... everything's chill." " You should probably go." " Yeah, I should probably go." "Paper's arrived for speculation." "God knows what social media will make of it." "Well, it's got to come out sooner or later, Franny." "I'd rather later than sooner." "We do have to strategise." "And I have to say, with all due respect, it doesn't help you go walkabout in the park." " Who told you that?" " Your every move was on CCTV." " I've seen the footage." " I know you met the flower girl." "She's not a flower girl." "She's a florist... by Royal appointment." "Her name's Serena." "It was supposed to be a secret." "You can't have secrets, sir." "You are the King." "Nor is your young lady a secret any more." "Spooks are probably doing a background check on her as we speak." "Good God, that's exactly why I don't want to live like this any more!" "Oh, God, I..." "I hate that picture of me." "I look as if the horse had just farted." "Do you think this leak came from inside the Palace?" "Almost certainly, sir." "Then we have a mole." " Any idea who?" " If we discount cleaners, gardeners and grooms, that narrows it down to about 650 suspects, sir." "This is intolerable." "I'm ordering a complete overhaul of Palace security." "Who's that chap I knighted a couple of years ago?" "The former head of MI6 or 5 or whatever the hell it is?" "Haul his arse over here." "See if he can shake things up a bit." "Er, he quit suddenly after the Snowdon business." "Well, then I'm leaving it to you, Franny." "Question everyone." " Surely not our inner circle, sir?" " Everyone has a price, Franny." "I've seen it on the Japanese television programmes." "Would you put your willy in a beehive for £500,000?" "I might prefer that to being the Palace Hercule Poirot, sir." "Is there any possibility you could've said anything on the outside?" "About this stuff in the headlines." " Do you think I'm the Palace super grass?" " I have to ask the question." " How dare you?" " The King has tasked me this and I'm asking everybody." "Yes... but not everybody is blowing you in broom cupboards every other day!" "The next one will be a very long time coming!" " Will you be needing anything else, sir?" " Oh, no thank you, Gilbert," "I'm going to turn in early." "And for the morning, sir, would you like me to lay out your false moustache?" "No." "There's far too much paranoia around here already." "A lot of information is leaving the Palace that shouldn't be." "It's not escaped my notice." "I was grilled earlier today by Major Hornsby-Bray." " Yeah..." "No, that's because I asked him to." " Talk to me?" "Well, talk to everyone." " Including me?" " Only to clear the air, Gilbert." "Only you haven't said anything, have you?" "Talking to a friend on the phone or, erm, a careless remark in the pub?" "I have selected a single-breasted navy check for your lunch at the Mansion House, with a lilac shirt and a pale pink tie." "Mm." "On your return, my letter of resignation will be on your desk." "Here, Gilbert, I've just been grilled by Hornsbury-Bray." "Grilled like a common criminal about leaks." "And I don't mean the sort I braise with a loin of pork." " I was subjected to the same indignity." " It ain't right." "There's things I could've told the press if I chose to." "How about the King's brother?" "Eh?" "The Duke of Cumberland has always been something of a... gruey." "Duke of Grope more like!" "And how about the major himself?" "I mean, everyone knows he's strumping that lady-in-waiting." "I share your indignation Marcello." "In fact, I feel I have no choice but to terminate my tenure." "And if that don't work, you can always threaten to quit." "Good morning, your Royal Highness." "I've put all your appointments into this new phone." "You tap on this app and it tells you where you should be and when." "Right." "I trust you slept well?" "Er, no, not really." "I've upset Gilbert." "He's threatening to resign." "Yes, he was a little peeved when I spoke to him." "As is everyone I'm questioning." "Heads of households, the Queen, the Queen Mother." "Lady Leonora has denied me sexual..." "Relation..." " I wasn't aware you had any." " Not any more." "May as well put my willy in a beehive." "Better make sure that remark doesn't get quoted in the press." "As part of my odious duties, sir, I have to ask you the question," " could the leak have come from your flower girl?" " Florist!" "Certainly not!" "You were caught on camera, sir, confiding in her." "But I..." "I'm sure I didn't, erm..." "Oh, God, did I?" "No." "No, no, no." "It was just a harmless, erm, cappuccini." "Damien, why don't you just walk in?" "Our PR chap's had a good idea." "Good morning, sir..." "King?" "It's his Royal Highness when you first see him." "Thereafter "sir"." "So, the thing is, sir, we need a deflection." "We need to take the public's mind away from the current situation." "Media-wise, it's getting out of control." "How do you intend to do that?" "We think there should be a question mark about your health." "Don't want anyone to lie or anything, we just need the Royal physician to be seen leaving the Palace." "Suitably grave faced, brief statement out the car window." ""We're running tests." "No cause for alarm", which will freak everyone and take their mind off the other stuff." "Yeah, but what will they think I've got?" "It breaks down in to cardio, gastric or neurological." " My personal fave is heart murmur, palpitations, that kind of thing." " I still like endoscopy." " Polyps are good." "Serious but curable." " Erm, prostatitis?" "Irritable bowel syndrome?" "Haemorrhoids?" "I'm not..." "I'm not having 65 million Brits speculating over the condition of the King's balls, bowels and backside!" "Yeah, I was just trying to buy you a little bit of wiggle room, sir." " I think you should go." " Perhaps I should, yeah." "Franny, I don't want any wriggle room, I just want to announce my abdication." "Couldn't we just wait until the Prince of Wales arrives, so you can discuss the situation with him?" "I suppose so." "That's Gilbert." "He's coming." "Erm, say something to him, Franny." "Say anything." "Tell him HM is distraught." "Erm, bereft." "Bereft!" "Oh." "Excuse me, Major, I just wanted to leave this... .. for His Majesty." "HM said you'd had words." "I hope that's not what I think it is." " It is what you think it is." " Gilbert, please." "This whole situation has placed the King under considerable strain and I know for a fact that he's distraught." "Bereft." "Bereft." "You're his rock Gilbert." "And I beg you to reconsider." "And please don't tell him we've had this conversation." "Those brogues need a bit of a polish." "He'd better leave them out before he goes to his luncheon." ""Great strides have been made in the field of orthopaedic surgery." ""I speak from personal experience" ""as I was incapable of great strides..." ""before my half knee replacement." I mean, is that a joke?" " Is that funny, Byron?" " Not to me, sir." " No, nor me." "Byron, can I ask you something?" "You were with Special Branch so you must've worked with" " some of those MI5 people." " I did, sir." "Is it likely that they'll be checking on the young lady" "I had coffee with in the park?" "Simply because I was having coffee with her." "In the park." "Anyone around the Royal family are going to be on the spooks' radar." " How deep do they go?" " They'll want to know everything." "Bank account, internet records, associates, unpaid parking fines." "By now they'll know her favourite pop group and what colour knickers she wears on a Sunday." " That's appalling." " Word of advice, sir." "If you want speak to her, Skype's OK, but don't use your new phone." " I'll give you a bunch of burners instead." " Burners?" "Phones you use once only and then bin." "Never e-mail." "Right." "If you want to see her, we won't use the Range Rover." "I'll use an unmarked car and I'll put you in the boot." " With a pillow and a blanket." " Oh, that's excellent." "Yes, that's excellent." "See you tomorrow." "Oh gosh!" "Hello?" " Can you hear me?" " Hello, your Royal Highness, sir." "Henry." " I can see you." " I could see you if you hit the right button." "It's at the bottom on the left, the wee camera thingy." "Er..." "There we are." "So what's going on?" "Well, Serena, there's so much I'd like to share with you and talk about but I can't, it's just..." "It's too... too fraught around here at the moment." "I've seen the papers." "But, my life may be about to change, quite radically." "What I'm saying is I wouldn't have to wear a silly disguise in order to see you again, we'd be able to have coffee quite openly or dinner." "Or, go to the theatre." "Sounds like you're asking me on a date." "Erm, yes, I suppose I am." "Sounds a bit difficult, considering your circs." "Well, I'm trying to change those circs." "I might be changing my job." "Really?" "Have you had a better offer?" "My life is going to be full of endless possibilities, Serena," "I'll be able to do what I want, go where I want, say what I want without someone telling me who I can see or who I can talk to." "Shit, someone's just come in!" "Oh." "Am I interrupting something, sir?" "No." "Why would you say that?" "I thought I heard voices." "Oh." "Oh, there's..." "It's not in here." "Would you like your smoking jacket, sir?" "Or a cocktail?" "Nothing, thanks." "Oh Gilbert, I-I-I would like to say how grateful I am that you're still here." "You've always been so much more to me than a valet." "Confidante, consigliore, chum." "Then I would like to address you as all three, sir." "I know you often question the credibility of your position... .. and I know you've dreamt of taking off one day" " to see the Seven Wonders of the world." " Oh, something like that." " Why?" " I am, sir, a staunch believer in this great institution of the monarchy, and I think it would be an act of extreme selfishness to dismantle centuries of lineage, history, and tradition, because you want to snog a flower girl in Machu Picchu." "This package arrived for you, sir, it's been sniffed by the dogs so it won't blow up." "Would you open it for me, please." "Oh." "But didn't you like the phone that I got you, sir?" "Of course I do, no, no, I love it, it's, erm..." "But you know how I always lose things." "No, no, these are backups." "Sorry, your Royal Highness!" "The major's looking for you everywhere, sounded quite urgent." "Oh, right." "Looking for me, Franny?" "Yes, sir." "Prince Alistair will arrive on Tuesday." "We don't want any fuss so Five will whip him round the back of Heathrow and there won't be a pap in sight." "Oh good." "Good thinking." "There is one other thing, sir." "Security ran checks of all outgoing calls from the palace in the last fortnight -- landlines and mobiles." "There were several made to an online news agency from... .. this number." "Do you recognise it?" "I'm afraid I do, sir." "Well, call it." "Hm." "No, I'll..." "'You can grovel all you like, Franny,'" "I've tweaked your nipples for the very last time." "Here's your phone." "Right." "It was you, wasn't it?" "You've been drip feeding the gossip mongers." "I mean, obviously you used Leonora as a go-between," "I don't for a moment think it was her idea." "Look can we stop having this conversation with you upside down." "You should take up voga, Henry, your chakras are very much out of alignment." "Leave my chakras out of this." " Do you deny it?" " No." "I do not." "I wanted to shoot the wind out of your saddle." "Er, no idea what that means." "I wanted to stir up some outrage amongst all those people who believe that you would be a far more suitable monarch than Alistair." "In other words, you're lobbying against your own son?" "The throne will be his, eventually." "Preferably when I am your mother's age." "But, let me tell you something," "I have been in this family since before you were on the throne, and I have done my bit, I have..." "I have cut ribbons in the rain," "I have opened a pickle factory in Swindon!" "But I have always respected what the monarchy stood for." "And let me tell you something else." "I like being Queen," "I have no intention of becoming an ex Queen, former Queen or a yester-Queen." "After 25 years of service, I deserve a different life." "Well, change it inside yourself." "Find your light, find your path." "I-I will..." "I will send Vikram to your apartment tomorrow morning." " Who the hell is Vikram?" " He's my kundalini teacher, he's brilliant." "Tell him not to bother, and if he does show up," "I'll tell him to shove his chakras up his arse." "That would be counterproductive, one of your most important chakras is your arse." "He's so naive." "'Hello?" "'" "Serena, it's me." "'Henry?" "'" "Look, I know you're probably busy, I just wanted to talk to somebody who's not part of the insanity around here." " Henry!" " Oh, God." "Bye." "'Hello?" "'" "There you are." "I thought we needed a moment together, just the two of us, unless I'm keeping you from something?" "Oh no, no, no, just er, taking the air." "You never expected to be king, did you?" "And if it hadn't been for that... unfortunate accident of your brother's, you wouldn't be." "You felt it robbed you of your youth." " How old were you?" " 23." " Oh." "Almost the same age as Alistair." "All these rumours simply fuel the interest in him." "Look at this spread dredged up from his playboy past." "'Leaving Lulu's Club in Shepherd's Market with Paloma Faith'." "When I was his age, Shepherd's Market was a red light district." "French lessons first floor, £20." " Is one speaking from personal experience?" " Course not." "You know I never carry cash." "I hate to see you unhappy, Henry, but... abdication, can't you do something a little less extreme?" "I'm sure sex is at the bottom of all this." "I think you should have a passionate affair." "Why do you mention an affair, has somebody said something?" "No." "Should someone have said something?" "Certainly not." "I think you should follow your carnal instincts, it always worked for me." " Do you mean..." " Oh, you know what your father was like, he always preferred his horses to any of us." "Tally ho, Henry." " 'Henry?" "'" " Serena, it's me again." "Er, sorry about that." "Look, there is a way we can see each other without anybody knowing." "'Ooh, er, Friday?" "'" "Er, tomorr..." "No, I'm not sure." "I'll have to check my schedule." "Er... no, tomorrow's no good." "Sunday, I'm laying a wreath." " Tuesday looks possible." " Oh, there you are, sir." "Shit, wrong bloody phone!" "Abdication!" "And the bloody Prince of Wales instead!" "And how are you, Edward?" "There is one problem though." " What do you know about the prince's friend?" " I'm afraid he's Australian." "For all we know, he could be a wolf in cheap clothing." "It's sheep, dear." " That is what I said." " A royal wedding?" " Yes, yes." "A gay royal wedding!" "Yes." "Oh, I do so love these family gatherings."