"OF SOME OF THE PROGRAMS YOU'LL BEABLE TO SEE" "COMING SHORTL Y ON BBC TELEVISION." "TO KICK OFF WITH, THERE'S VARIETY." "PETER WESTAND BRIANJOHNSON STAR IN RAIN STOPPED PLAY" "A WACKY NEW COMEDY SERIES" "ABOUT THE GA Y EXPLOITS OF TWO TELEVISION CRICKET COMMENTA TORS" "WITH E. W. SWANTON ASAGGIE, THE KOOKY SCOTS MAID." "FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE VARIETY, THERE'S VARIETY" "WITH BRIAN CLOSE AT THE TALK OF THE TOWN." "AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT." "THE CLASSICS SERIES RETURN TO BBC2" "WITH 26 EPISODES OFJOHN GALSWORTHY'S "SNOOKER MY WA Y"" "WITH NYREE DA WN PORTER REPEA TING HER TRIUMPH" "ASJOE DA VIS." "AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT." "COMEDY IS NOT FORGOTTEN, WITHJIM LAKER" "IN 13 WEEKS OF OFFSPIN BOWLING." "JIM PLA YS THEZANY BACHELOR BOWLER" "IN A NEW SERIES, OWZAT" "WITH ANNELEY DRUMMOND-HA YE, ON MR. SOFTEE, AS HIS WIFE." "AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT." "PANORAMA WILL BE RETURNING" "INTRODUCED AS USUAL BY TONYJACKLIN" "AND LULU WILL BE TACKLING THE OLD MAN OF HOY." "AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PREFER DRAMA, THERE'S SPORT." "ON SHOW OF THE WEEK, KENNETH WOSTENHOLME SINGS." "AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE TELEVISION" "THERE'S DA VID COLEMAN." "AND OF COURSE, THERE'LL BE SPORT." "BUT NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT" "SPORT." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with a rude noise )" "( wind blowing )" "( wind instruments play ethereal tune )" "( banging and sawing )" "( roaring '20s dance music plays )" "( recording wobbles and slows to a stop )" "( metal clangs )" "( fly buzzing )" "( hammerpounds nail )" "( more hammering )" "LOOK WHAT WE FOUND!" "( men mutter enthusiastically )" "Man 2:" "IT REALLY IS FANTASTIC." "Man 1:" "IT'S THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL FIND OF THE CENTURY." "Man 2:" "IT IS, INDEED, INDEED, INDEED." "Man 1:" "GENTLEMEN, FROM THIS SINGLE PART" "AND MONTHS OF PAINSTAKING RESEARCH" "WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ACCURATELY RECONSTRUCT THIS ENTIRE BEAST." "( audience laughter )" "HELLO." "ON ARCHAEOLOGY TODA Y TONIGHT" "I HAVE WITH ME PROFESSOR LUCIEN KASTNER" "OF OSLO UNIVERSITY." "GOOD EVENING." "HOW TALL ARE YOU, PROFESSOR?" "I BEG YOUR PARDON?" "HOW TALL ARE YOU?" "I'M ABOUT FIVE FOOT TEN." "AND AN EXPERT IN EGYPTIAN TOMB PAINTINGS" "SIR ROBERT..." "ARE YOU REALLY FIVE FOOT TEN?" "YES." "FUNNY, YOU LOOK MUCH SHORTER THAN THAT TO ME." "ARE YOU SLUMPED FORWARD IN YOUR CHAIR AT ALL?" "UH, NO, I, I..." "EXTRAORDINARY." "SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY" "WHO'S JUST RETURNED FROM THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA" "AND WHO MUST BE WELL OVER SIX FOOT." "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SIR ROBERT?" "YES." "IN FACT, I THINK" "YOU'RE SIX FOOT FIVE, AREN'T YOU?" "UH, YES." "( canned applause )" "OH, THAT'S MARVELOUS." "I MEAN, YOU'RE" "A TOTALLY DIFFERENT KIND OF SPECIMEN" "TO PROFESSOR KASTNER." "STRAIGHT IN YOUR SEAT" "ERECT, FIRM..." "YES." "I THOUGHT WE WERE HERE" "TO DISCUSS ARCHAEOLOGY." "YES, YES, OF COURSE WE ARE." "YES, ABSOLUTELY, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!" "THAT'S POSITIVE THINKING FOR YOU." "YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SAID A THING LIKE THAT, WOULD YOU" "YOU FIVE-FOOT-TEN-INCH WEED?" "( audience laughter )" "SIR ROBERT EVERSLEY-- WHO'S VERY INTERESTING" "WHAT HAVE YOU DISCOVERED" "IN THE EXCAVATIONS AT EL ARA?" "WELL, BASICALLY, WE HAVE FOUND" "A COMPLEX OF TOMBS..." "VERY GOOD SPEAKING VOICE." "WHICH PRESENT DRAMATIC EVIDENCE" "OF POLYNESIAN INFLUENCE" "IN EGYPT IN THE THIRD DYNASTY" "WHICH IS QUITE REMARKABLE." "HOW TALL WERE THE POLYNESIANS?" "THEY WERE..." "SHH!" "WELL, THEY WERE RATHER SMALL, SEAFARING..." "SHORT MEN, WERE THEY-- ALL SQUAT AND BENT UP?" "WELL, I REALLY DON'T KNOW." "WHO WERE THE TALL PEOPLE?" "I'M AFRAID I DON'T KNOW." "WHO'S THAT VERY TALL TRIBE IN AFRICA?" "WELL, THIS IS HARDLY ARCHAEOLOGY." "THE WATUTSI, THAT'S IT, THE WATUTSI!" "OH, THAT'S THE TRIBE." "SOME OF THEM WERE EIGHT FOOT TALL." "OH!" "CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?" "EIGHT FOOT OF WATUTSI." "NOT ONE ON ANOTHER'S SHOULDERS, OH, NO!" "EIGHT FOOT OF SOLID WATUTSI!" "THAT'S WHAT I CALL TALL." "YES, BUT IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ARCHAEOLOGY." "OH, TO HELL WITH ARCHAEOLOGY!" "( loud shattering )" "( shouting ):" "MAY I PLEASE SPEAK?" "( quavering ):" "I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM OSLO" "TO DO THIS PROGRAM." "I'M A PROFESSOR OF ARCHAEOLOGY!" "I'M AN EXPERT IN ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS." "ALL RIGHT, I'M ONLY FIVE FOOT TEN." "ALL RIGHT, MY POSTURE IS BAD" "ALL RIGHT, I SLUMP IN MY CHAIR." "BUT I'VE HAD MORE WOMEN THAN EITHER OF YOU TWO!" "( hysterically ):" "I'VE HAD HALF OF BLOODY NORWAY" "THAT'S WHAT I'VE HAD!" "SO, YOU CAN KEEP YOUR ROBERT EVERSLEY!" "AND KEEP YOUR BLOODY WATUTSI!" "( shrieking ):" "I'D RATHER HAVE MY LITTLE BODY!" "MY LITTLE, FIVE-FOOT- TEN-INCH BODY." "( sobbing )" "BLOODY FOOL, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM." "DON'T "BLOODY FOOL" ME." "I'LL DO WHAT I LIKE" "BECAUSE I'M SIX FOOT FIVE" "AND I EAT PUNKS LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST." "I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT, EVERSLEY!" "I'LL GET YOU IF I HAVE TO TRAVEL" "TO THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH!" "( western-film theme music playing )" "( traditional Egyptian music playing )" "( traditional Egyptian music playing )" "Woman:" "THE DIG WAS GOING WELL THAT YEAR." "WE'D DISCOVERED SOME HITTITE BAKING DISHES" "FROM THE FIFTH DYNASTY." "AND SIR ROBERT WAS HAPPIER THAN I'D EVER SEEN HIM." "( with organ accompaniment )" "TODAY..." "I HEAR THE ROBIN SING" "TODAY..." "THE THRUSH IS ON THE WING" "TODAY WHO KNOWS WHAT LIFE WILL BRING" "TODAY... ( aghast ):" "WHY!" "A SUMERIAN DRINKING VESSEL OF THE FOURTH DYNASTY." "TODAY..." "CATALOGUE THIS POT, DANIELLE." "IT'S..." "FOURTH DYNASTY." "( joyously ):" "OH!" "IS IT?" "YES, IT'S..." "SUMERIAN." "OH, HOW WONDERFUL!" "OH, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU." "I'M HAPPY, TOO." "NOW AT LAST WE KNOW THERE WAS A SUMERIAN INFLUENCE" "HERE IN ABU SIMNEL IN THE EARLY PRE-DYNASTIC PERIOD 2,000 YEARS BEFORE THE REIGN OF TUTANKHAMEN." "TODAY..." "I HEAR THE ROBIN SING" "TODAY..." "THE THRUSH IS ON THE WING" "TODAY WHO KNOWS WHAT LIFE WILL BRING... ( music ends discordantly )" "ALL RIGHT, EVERSLEY, GET UP OUT OF THAT TRENCH." "DON'T FORGET..." "I'M SIX FOOT FIVE." "THAT DOESN'T WORRY ME." "KASTNER!" "( whining ):" "HERE, LORD." "UP!" "( grunts )" "ELEVEN FOOT THREE?" "( maniacally ):" "I'M SO TALL!" "I AM SO TALL!" "DANIELLE." "( grunts daintily )" "ELEVEN FOOT SIX." "DAMN YOU!" "ABDUL!" "FIFTEEN FOOT FOUR!" "MUSTAPHA!" "NINETEEN FOOT THREE!" "DAMN YOU!" "( all grunting breathlessly )" "( fists smacking )" "( yelping and shouting )" "( smacking and shouting continue )" "( woman screams )" "( men grunting )" "UH, AND THERE WE END THIS EDITION OF ARCHAEOLOGY TODA Y." "NEXT WEEK, THE SILBURY DIG BY COLE PORTER" "WITH PEARL BAILEY AND ARTHUR NEGUS." "( groans )" "AND NOWAN APPEAL FOR SANITY" "FROM THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING." "YOU KNOW, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY TODAY" "WHO, THROUGH NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN, ARE SANE." "SOME OF THEM WERE BORN SANE." "SOME OF THEM BECAME SANE LATER IN THEIR LIVES." "IT IS UP TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME" "WHO ARE OUT OF OUR TINY LITTLE MINDS... ( laughter )" "TO TRY AND HELP THESE PEOPLE OVERCOME THEIR SANITY." "YOU CAN START IN SMALL WAYS" "WITH PING-PONG BALL EYES AND A FUNNY VOICE" "AND THEN YOU CAN PAINT HALF OF YOUR BODY RED" "AND THE OTHER HALF GREEN" "AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP UP AND DOWN IN A BOWL OF TREACLE" "GOING... ( squawking loudly )" "AND THEN YOU CAN GO, "NEURH, NEURH, NEURH!"" "AND THEN YOU CAN ROLL AROUND ON THE FLOOR" "GOING "PTING, PTING, PTING, PTING."" "GOING "PTING, PTING, PTING, PTING."" "IS VICAR OF ST." "LOONY UP THE CREAM BUN AND JAM." "AND NOW..." "GOOD EVENING." "MY NAME IS LEAPY LEE." "NO, SORRY" " THAT'S THE NAME OF ME FAVORITE SINGER." "MY NAME IS MRS. FRED STOLLE." "NO, NO, MRS. FRED STOLLE IS" "THE WIFE OF ME FAVORITE TENNIS PLAYER." "MY NAME IS BANANAS." "NO, NO, THAT'S ME FAVORITE FRUIT." "I'M MRS. A-NICE-EVENING- OUT-TO-THE-PICTURES" "THEN-PERHAPS-A-DANCE-AT-A-CLUB- THEN-BACK-TO-HIS-PLACE" "FOR-A-QUICK-CUP-OF-COFFEE- AND-A-LITTLE-BIT-OF..." "NO, NO, SORRY." "THAT'S ME FAVORITE WAY OF SPENDING A NIGHT OUT." "PERHAPS I AM LEAPY LEE." "YES!" "I MUST BE LEAPY LEE!" "HELLO, FANS." "LEAPY LEE HERE." "LITTLE ARROWS THAT WILL... ( phone rings )" "HELLO?" "EVIDENTLY I'M NOT LEAPY LEE." "I THOUGHT I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE." "THANK YOU, I'LL TELL THEM." "HELLO, DENIS COMPTON HERE." "NO, NO." "I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT DOWN." "NOW, WHERE'S THAT NUMBER?" "I'M MAO ZEDONG." "I'M P.P. ARNOLD." "I'M MARGARET THATCHER." "I'M SIR GERALD NABARRO." "HELLO?" "SIR LEN HUTTON HERE." "COULD YOU TELL ME, PLEASE..." "OH, AM I?" "OH, THANK YOU." "GOOD EVENING." "I'M MRS. WHAT-NUMBER-ARE- YOU-DIALING-PLEASE?" "GOOD MORNING." "GOOD MORNING." "ARE YOU THE REGISTRAR?" "I HAVE THAT FUNCTION." "WELL, I WAS HERE ON SATURDAY" "GETTING MARRIED TO A BLOND GIRL" "AND I'D LIKE TO CHANGE, PLEASE." "I'D LIKE TO HAVE THIS ONE INSTEAD, PLEASE." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "WELL, THE OTHER ONE" "WASN'T ANY GOOD" "SO I'D LIKE TO SWAP IT FOR THIS ONE, PLEASE." "I HAVE PAID;" "I PAID ON SATURDAY." "HERE'S THE TICKET." "AH, NO, THAT WAS WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED." "YES, THAT WAS WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO THE WRONG ONE." "I DIDN'T LIKE THE COLOR." "THIS IS THE ONE I WANT TO HAVE." "SO, IF YOU COULD JUST CHANGE THE FORMS ROUND" "I CAN TAKE THIS ONE BACK WITH ME NOW." "I CAN'T DO THAT." "LOOK, MAKE IT SIMPLE, I'LL PAY AGAIN." "NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT." "LOOK, ALL I WANT YOU TO DO" "IS CHANGE THE WIFE" "SAY THE WORDS, "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH"" "BACK TO MY PLACE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED." "I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CHANGE." "YOU CAN AT HARRODS." "YOU CAN'T." "YOU CAN;" "I CHANGED MY RECORD PLAYER" "AND THERE WASN'T A GRUMBLE." "IT'S DIFFERENT." "AND I CHANGED MY PET SNAKE." "AND I CHANGED MY ROBIN DAY TIE." "WELL, YOU CAN'T CHANGE A BLOODY WIFE!" "OH, ALL RIGHT!" "WELL, CAN I BORROW ONE FOR THE WEEKEND?" "NO!" "OH, BLIMEY!" "I ONLY WANTED A JOLLY GOOD... ( loud whistle blows )" "ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP." "WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER, THEN?" "ALL RIGHT." "NAME?" "COOK." "( blows whistle )" "NEXT, PLEASE." "NAME?" "UH, WATSON." "MR. WATSON." "UH, NO" " DOCTOR." "AH, MR. DOCTOR." "NO, NOT MISTER" " DOCTOR." "OH." "DR. DOCTOR." "NO." "DR. WATSON." "DR. WATSON DOCTOR." "OH, JUST CALL ME DARLING." "HELLO, MR. DARLING." "NO" " DOCTOR!" "HELLO, DOCTOR DARLING." "( whistle blows )" "BUT AT WEMBLEY, PLAY HAD RESUMED." "( whistle blows )" "( crowd cheering )" "( bass reverberates )" "( bass reverberates )" "MEANWHILE, NEARBY" "THE DA Y WASJUST BEGINNING FOR MUGSY SPANIEL" "A CONVICTED GANGSTER AND WELL-KNOWN SWELL GUY." "BREAKFAST, DEAR." "OH, THANK YOU, DEAR." "( humming )" "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUGSY." "( machine gunfire )" "ENJOY THE EGGS." "YES, INDEED, THIS WAS THE WORK OF NONE OTHER THAN EGGS DIAMOND" "LEADER OF THE NOTORIOUS CHICKEN GANG." "( audience laughter )" "( clucking )" "DIMSDALE." "WITH THE CHICKEN GANG OFF THE BLOTTER" "A MAN'S LIFE WASN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT WAS PRINTED ON." "ALREADY THERE HAVE BEEN MURDERS COMMITTED HERE AND HERE" "AND THE LATEST ONE RIGHT HERE." "( gun fires )" "HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW." "( gasps )" "THE POWERFUL FORCES EGGS HAD LOOSED ON THE CITY" "WERE TO BE HIS UNDOING." "RETURN WITH US NOW TO THE HIDEOUT." "( rapid gunfire and clucking )" "THESE AND OTHER FASCINATING LIES ARE YOURS FOR THE READING" "IN THIS BEAUTIFULLY BOUND VOLUME." "BUY IT NOW, SUCKERS." "THIS IS AN IDEAL GIFT-- A MUST FOR ALL YOU OUT THERE" "WHO LONG TO SOUND CLEVER AT YOUR NEXT COCKTAIL PARTY." "AH, JOHN..." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR." "JOHN STOKES" "THIS IS A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT." "HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY" "CROSS YOUR FACE FOR A MOMENT JUST THEN." "BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY, I'M USED TO IT." "THAT'S THE TROUBLE" "OF HAVING A SURNAME LIKE "GIT."" "OH..." "YES, YES." "WE THOUGHT ABOUT CHANGING IT BY DEED-POLL" "TO WATSON OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT." "BUT A SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED WATSON'S" "JUST AS BAD, EH?" "YES, YES, I SUPPOSE SO." "OH, THAT'S MY WIFE." "DARLING, COME AND MEET MR...." "WHAT WAS IT?" "STOKES, JOHN STOKES." "OH, YES." "JOHN STOKES, THIS IS MY WIFE" "DREARY FAT BORING OLD." "OH, UH, HOW DO YOU DO?" "( with a manly voice ):" "HOW DO YOU DO?" "DARLING, THERE YOU ARE." "YES, YES, HERE I AM, YES." "OH, IS THIS YOUR WIFE?" "YES, YES, YES, THIS IS THE WIFE." "YES." "UM..." "DARLING, THESE..." "THESE ARE THE GITS." "WHAT?" "THE GITS." "OH, HEAVEN'S SAKES, WE ARE BEING FORMAL." "DOES IT HAVE TO BE SURNAMES?" "OH, NO, NO." "NOT AT ALL." "UM, NO, THIS..." "THIS IS MY WIFE, NORAH." "UH..." "NORAH JANE, NORAH JANE STOKES." "THIS IS SNIVELING LITTLE RAT-FACED GIT." "AND THIS IS HIS WIFE" "DREARY FAT BORING OLD GIT." "I WAS JUST TELLING YOUR HUSBAND" "WHAT AN AWFUL BORE IT IS" "HAVING A SURNAME LIKE GIT." "OH!" "OH, WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BAD." "OH, YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW THE KIDS GET TAUNTED." "WHY, ONLY LAST WEEK DIRTY LYING LITTLE TWO-FACED" "CAME RUNNING HOME FROM SCHOOL, SOBBING HIS EYES OUT" "AND OUR YOUNGEST, GHASTLY SPOTTY HORRIBLE VICIOUS LITTLE" "IS JUST AT THE AGE" "WHEN TAUNTS LIKE "SHE'S A GIT" REALLY HURT." "YES." "DO..." "DO YOU LIVE ROUND HERE?" "YES, WE LIVE UP THE ROAD, NUMBER 49" "YOU CAN'T MISS IT." "WE'VE JUST HAD THE OUTSIDE PAINTED" "WITH WARM PUS." "IT'S VERY NICE, ACTUALLY." "GOES NICELY WITH THE VOMIT AND CATARRH" "WE'VE HAD SMEARED OVER THE FRONT DOOR." "I THINK WE OUGHT TO BE GOING." "WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN TO COLLECT." "OH, WELL, BRING THEM ROUND FOR TEA TOMORROW." "IT'S GHASTLY SPOTTY CROSS-EYED'S BIRTHDAY" "AND SHE'S HAVING A DISEMBOWELING PARTY" "FOR A FEW FRIENDS." "THE NAUSEAS WILL BE THERE, AND DOUG AND JANICE MUCUS" "AND THE RECTUMS FROM SWANAGE." "AH, JOHN..." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR." "JOHN, THIS IS MR. WATSON." "HELLO, I NOTICED A SLIGHT LOOK OF ANXIETY" "CROSS YOUR FACE JUST THEN" "BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY..." "I PREFERRED THE DIRTY VERSION." "WELL, I'VE BEEN A HUNTER ALL MY LIFE." "I LOVE ANIMALS." "THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO KILL 'EM." "I WOULDN'T KILL AN ANIMAL I DIDN'T LIKE." "GOOD DAY, ROY." "Narrator:" "HANK AND ROY SPIM ARE TOUGH, FEARLESS BACKWOODSMEN" "WHO HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE" "IN A VIOLENT, UNRELENTING WORLD OF NATURE'S CREATURES" "WHERE ONLY THE FITTEST SURVIVE." "TODAY THEY ARE OFF TO HUNT MOSQUITOES." "TODAY THEY ARE OFF TO HUNT MOSQUITOES." "YOU CAN TRACK HIM FOR DAYS AND DAYS" "UNTIL YOU REALLY GET TO KNOW HIM LIKE A FRIEND." "HE KNOWS YOU'RE THERE, AND YOU KNOW HE'S THERE." "IT'S A GAME OF WITS." "YOU HATE HIM, THEN YOU RESPECT HIM" "THEN YOU KILL HIM." "Narrator:" "SUDDENLY, HANK SPOTS THE MOSQUITO THEY'RE AFTER." "NOW MORE THAN EVER" "THEY MUST RELY ON THE SKILLS THEY HAVE LEARNT" "FROM A LIFETIME'S HUNTING." "HANK GAUGES THE WIND." "ROY EXAMINES THE MOSQUITO'S SPOOR." "THEN..." "IT'S A SUCCESS." "THE MOSQUITO NOW IS DEAD." "BUT ROY MUST MAKE SURE." "Narrator:" "BUT THE HUNT IS NOT OVER." "WITH WELL-PRACTICED SKILL, HANK SKINS THE MOSQUITO." "THE WINGS OF A FULLY GROWN MALE MOSQUITO CAN FETCH ANYTHING" "UP TO .8" "OF A PENNY ON THE OPEN MARKET." "THE LONG DAY IS OVER" "AND IT'S BACK TO BASE CAMP FOR A NIGHT'S REST." "HERE, SURROUNDED BY THEIR TROPHIES" "ROY AND HANK PREPARE FOR A MUCH TOUGHER ORDEAL" " A MOTH HUNT." "WELL, I FOLLOW THE MOTH IN THE HELICOPTER" "TO LURE IT AWAY FROM THE FLOWERS" "AND THEN ROY COMES ALONG IN THE LOCKHEED STAR FIGHTER" "AND ATTACKS IT WITH AIR-TO-AIR MISSILES." "A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED US" "WHY WE DON'T USE FLY SPRAY." "WELL, WHERE'S THE SPORT IN THAT?" "Narrator:" "FOR ROY, SPORT IS EVERYTHING." "EVER SINCE HE LOST HIS LEFT ARM BATTLING WITH AN ANT" "ROY HAS RISKED HIS LIFE IN THE PURSUIT OF TINY CREATURES." "BUT IT'S NOT ALL WORK, AND FOR RELAXATION" "THEY LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN A DAY'S FISHING." "WHEREVER THERE IS A CHALLENGE, HANK AND ROY SPIM WILL BE THERE" "READY TO CARRY ON THE PRIMORDIAL STRUGGLE" "BETWEEN MAN AND INOFFENSIVE, TINY INSECTS." "OH, I'VE HAD SUCH A MORNING" "IN THE HIGH COURT." "I COULD STAMP MY LITTLE FEET" "THE WAY THOSE Q.C.s CARRY ON." "DON'T I KNOW IT, LOVE." "OBJECTION HERE, OBJECTION THERE." "AND THAT NICE POLICEMAN" "GIVING HIS EVIDENCE SO WELL" "BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICE." "WELL, AFTER A BIT" "ALL I COULD DO WAS BANG MY LITTLE GAVEL." "YOU WHAT, LOVE?" "I BANGED ME GAVEL." "I DID ME "SILENCE IN COURT" BIT." "OH!" "IF LOOKS COULD KILL" "THAT PROSECUTING COUNSEL WOULD BE IN FOR 30 YEARS." "HOW DID YOUR SUMMING UP GO?" "I WAS PLEASED, ACTUALLY." "I WAS TRYING TO HAVE A BUTCH VOICE:" "( in deep voice ):" ""WHAT THE JURY MUST UNDERSTAND..."" "AND THEY LOVED IT." "I COULD SEE THAT FOREMAN EYEING ME." "REALLY?" "YES, CHEEKY DEVIL." "WAS HE THAT TALL MAN WITH...?" "NO, JUST A MINUTE, I MUST FINISH." "ANYWAY, I FINISHED UP WITH:" "( low voice ):" ""THE ACTIONS OF THESE VICIOUS MEN" ""IS A VIOLENT STAIN ON THE COMMUNITY" ""AND THE FULL PENALTY OF THE LAW" ""IS SCARCELY SUFFICIENT" "TO DEAL WITH THEIR GHASTLY CRIMES."" "AND I WAGGLED MY WIG." "JUST EVER SO SLIGHTLY" "BUT IT WAS A STUNNING EFFECT." "OH, I BET IT WAS..." "LIKE THAT SUPER TIME I WORE THAT STRIPED ROBE" "IN THE MAGISTRATES COURT." "OH, AYE." "HELLO, MRS. THING." "HELLO, MRS. ENTITY." "HOW ARE YOU, THEN?" "OH, I HAVE HAD A MORNING." "BUSY?" "BUSY?" "HUH!" "I GOT UP AT 5:00" "I MADE MYSELF A CUP OF TEA" "I LOOKED OUT OF THE WINDOW." "WELL, BY THEN I WAS SO WORN OUT" "I HAD TO COME AND HAVE A SIT-DOWN." "I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SEVEN HOURS." "YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED." "OH, HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING?" "NO, I'VE BEEN SHOPPING." "FUNNY." "I'M WORN OUT." "I'VE BEEN SHOPPING FOR SIX HOURS." "WHAT HAVE YOU BOUGHT, THEN?" "NOTHING." "NOTHING AT ALL." "A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME." "WICKED, ISN'T IT?" "WICKED, IT'LL BE WORSE" "WHEN WE JOIN THE COMMON MARKET." "THAT NICE MR. HEATH WOULD NEVER ALLOW THAT." "IT'S FUNNY HE NEVER MARRIED." "HE'S A BACHELOR." "OOH!" "THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT." "OH, DEAR ME" "ALL THIS CHATTING AWAY WEARS ME OUT." "YES." "I BET MRS. REGINALD MAUDLING" "DOESN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THIS DRUDGERY" "GETTING UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING" "MAKING A CUP OF TEA" "LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW, CHATTING AWAY." "NO!" "IT'D ALL BE DONE FOR HER." "YES, SHE'D HAVE THE WHOLE DAY FREE" "FOR PLAYING SNOOKER." "SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GO" "THROUGH ALL THE DRUDGERY OF PLAYING SNOOKER" "DAY IN, DAY OUT." "NO, IT WOULD ALL BE DONE FOR HER." "SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO LIFT A CUE." "SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW" "WHAT A BILLIARD ROOM IS." "NO" " STILL, IT'S NOT AS BAD AS THE OLD DAYS." "MRS. STANLEY BALDWIN" "USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 5:00 IN THE MORNING" "AND GO OUT AND CATCH PARTRIDGES" "WITH HER BARE HANDS." "YES, AND MRS. WILLIAM PITT THE ELDER" "USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT 3:00" "AND GO BURROWING FOR TRUFFLES" "WITH THE BRIDGE OF HER NOSE." "MRS. BEETHOVEN USED TO HAVE TO GET UP AT MIDNIGHT" "TO SPUR ON THE MYNAH BIRD." "LAZY CREATURES, MYNAH BIRDS." "YES." "WHEN BEETHOVEN WENT DEAF" "THE MYNAH BIRD JUST USED TO MIME." "OOH!" "WHAT'S HAPPENING?" "IT'S ALL RIGHT." "IT'S ONLY A FLASHBACK." "( plays first four notes of Symphony No. 5 )" "( clicking )" "YOU DON'T FOOL ME, YOU STUPID MYNAH BIRD." "I'M NOT DEAF YET." "JUST YOU WAIT." "( laughs )" "OH!" "BUGGER." "SHUT UP!" "RIGHT IN THE WING." "SHUT YOUR BEAK!" "GOTT IN HIMMEL, I NEVER GET ANY PEACE HERE." "( plays first seven notes of Symphony No. 5 )" "( plays the wrong note and repeats )" "LUDWIG!" "WHAT?" "!" "HAVE YOU SEEN THE SUGAR BOWL?" "!" "NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN THE BLOODY SUGAR BOWL!" "YOU KNOW, THE SUGAR BOWL!" "SOD THE SUGAR BOWL!" "I'M TRYING TO FINISH THIS STINKING TUNE!" "( cries )" "IT'S DRIVING ME SPARE!" "SO SHUT UP!" "( continues playing first notes of Symphony No. 5 )" "( switches to opening bars of "Washington Post March" )" "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO." "( switches back to first notes of Symphony No. 5 )" "LUDWIG, HAVE YOU SEEN THE JAM SPOON?" "!" "STUFF THE JAM SPOON!" "IT WAS IN THE SUGAR BOWL!" "LOOK, GET OUT, YOU OLD RAT-BAG!" "BUZZ OFF AND SHUT UP!" "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SEE IN THAT PIANO!" "LEAVE ME ALONE!" "( plays first eight notes of Symphony No. 5 correctly )" "( laughing ):" "I'VE GOT IT!" "I'VE GOT IT!" "( plays first seven notes )" "DO YOU WANT PEANUT BUTTER" "OR SANDWICH SPREAD FOR YOUR TEA?" "WHAT?" "!" "PEANUT BUTTER!" "I'VE FORGOTTEN IT!" "I HAD IT!" "I HAD IT!" "DO YOU WANT PEANUT BUTTER" "OR SANDWICH SPREAD?" "!" "I DON'T CARE!" "OOH!" "I DON'T KNOW." "( fumbling around, attempting first notes of Symphony No. 5 )" "I HAD IT." "I HAD IT, YOU OLD BAG." "MEIN LIEBER GOTT!" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "( clanking and banging )" "WHAT'S THAT?" "!" "IT'S THE PLUMBER!" "( clanking and banging continue )" "GOTT IN HIMMEL, I'M GOING OUT!" "WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING OUT" "DON'T FORGET WE'VE GOT THE MENDELSSOHNS COMING FOR TEA" "SO DON'T FORGET TO ORDER SOME PIKELETS!" "PIKELETS!" "PIKELETS!" "SHAKESPEARE NEVER HAD THIS TROUBLE." "DO YOU WANT TO BET?" "INCIDENTALLY, IT'S... ( hums first eight notes of Symphony No. 5 )" "YOU'RE RIGHT!" "INCIDENTALLY, WHY NOT CALL HIM HAMLET?" "HAMLET!" "I LIKE, MUCH BETTER THAN DAVID." "MICHELANGELO, YOU CAN USE DAVID." "I WON'T SUE." "THANKS, BUT I'VE HAD A BETTER IDEA." "Woman:" "MICHELANGELO!" "YES, DEAR!" "I'VE HAD ANOTHER SON." "OH, MY LIFE." "COMPOSER?" "I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON MY SON." "HE'S A SENSITIVE BOY, ALREADY." "I'D RATHER HE WAS A SEWAGE ATTENDANT OR A RAT CATCHER." "AHA!" "RATS AT 42A KARTOFFELNSTRASSE." "HEY, MITZI!" "I'VE GOT TO GO TO POTATO STREET." "Mitzi:" "PUT YOUR GALOSHES ON." "DEPRESSED BY RATS?" "DO MICE GET YOU DOWN?" "THEN WHY NOT VISIT COLIN MOZART'S" "RODENT EXTERMINATING BOUTIQUE?" "RATS EXTIRPATED, MICE PUNISHED" "VOLES TORN APART BY COLIN MOZART" "MUNICH'S LEADING FURRY ANIMAL LIQUIDATOR." "( doorbell chimes )" "YES?" "COLIN MOZART." "OH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'VE COME." "WE'RE HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME" "WITH THEM BLEEDING RATS." "I THINK THEY LIVE" "IN HIS STUPID PIANO ALREADY." "Beethoven:" "GET OUT THE BLOODY PIANO" "YOU STUPID, FURRY, BUCKTOOTHED GITS!" "GET OUT!" "( continues trying to compose Symphony No. 5 )" "GOTT IN HIMMEL!" "GET YOUR STINKING TAIL OUT OF MY FACE." "SHUT UP!" "SO ANYWAY, BEETHOVEN WAS RATHER GLAD" "WHEN HE WENT DEAF." "Jimmy Durante:" "...SO LET'S CELEBRATE" "I'M FEELING GREAT" "I'M THE GUY THAT FOUND THE LOST CHORD." "WELL, I WAS EVER SO GLAD" "THEY ABOLISHED HANGING, YOU KNOW" "BECAUSE THAT BLACK CAP JUST DIDN'T SUIT ME." "YES, DO YOU REMEMBER" "THE GLASGOW TREASON TRIAL?" "OH, YES, I WORE A BODY STOCKING ALL THROUGH IT." "NO, HEN, AT THE PARTY AFTERWARDS." "OH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WERE WALKING OUT" "WITH THAT VERY BUTCH CLERK OF THE COURT." "THAT'S RIGHT-- HE MADE ME WANT TO TURN QUEEN'S EVIDENCE." "THAT'S RIGHT-- HE MADE ME WANT TO TURN QUEEN'S EVIDENCE." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation] ...SPECIALLY IN THAT ARSON CASE." "WHAT WAS THE VERDICT?" "THEY PREFERRED THE BROWN WIG." "I LOVE THE SCOTTISH ASSIZES." "I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN" "BY A REALLY WELL HUNG JURY." "OH!" "GET BACK IN THE WITNESS BOX." "YOU'RE TOO SHARP TO LIVE." "I'LL SMACK YOUR LITTLE BOTTY!" "HAVE YOU TRIED THAT NEW BODY RUB J.P.s USE?" "I HAD A MAGISTRATE IN BRADFORD YESTERDAY." "FUNNILY ENOUGH I FELT LIKE ONE" "IN A LUNCHTIME RECESS TODAY." "BUT THE ONES I REALLY LIKE" "ARE THOSE VOICE-OVER ANNOUNCERS ON THE BBC" "YOU KNOW, AFTER THE PROGRAMS ARE OVER." "OH, AYE" " COURSE, THEY'RE BENT AS SAFETY PINS." "I KNOW, BUT THEY'VE GOT BEAUTIFUL SPEAKING VOICES:" ""AND NOW A CHOICE OF VIEWING ON BBC TELEVISION."" ""HERE ARE TONIGHT'S FOOTBALL RESULTS."" "Both:" "MMM..." "( song continues )" "( audience laughter )" "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends )" "Announcer:" "HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE BODY." "( fart )" "NUMBER ONE:" "THE FOOT." "NUMBER TWO:" "THE SHOULDER." "( audience laughter )" "AND NUMBER THREE:" "THE OTHER FOOT." "( laughter )" "NUMBER FOUR:" "THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE." "NUMBER FIVE:" "THE NAUGHTY BITS." "( laughter )" "NUMBER SIX:" "JUSTABOVE THE ELBOW." "NUMBER SEVEN:" "TWO INCHES TO THE RIGHT OF A VERY NAUGHTY BIT INDEED." "( laughter )" "NUMBER EIGHT:" "THE KNEECAP." "UNDER THE SHADE OF A COOLIBAH-TREE... ( with Australian accent ):" "GOODDAY, BRUCE!" "OH, HELLO, BRUCE." "HOW ARE YER, BRUCE?" "BIT CROOK, BRUCE." "WHERE'S BRUCE?" "HE'S NOT HERE, BRUCE." "BLIMEY, S'HOT IN HERE, BRUCE." "S'HOT ENOUGH TO BOIL A MONKEY'S BUM." "( laughter )" "THAT'S A STRANGE EXPRESSION, BRUCE." "WELL, BRUCE, I HEARD THE PRIME MINISTER USE IT." ""S'HOT ENOUGH TO BOIL A MONKEY'S BUM IN 'ERE" "YOUR MAJESTY," HE SAID" "AND SHE SMILED QUIETLY TO HERSELF." "SHE'S A GOOD SHEILA, BRUCE" "AND NOT AT ALL STUCK-UP." "AH!" "HERE COMES THE BOSSFELLA NOW." "HOW ARE YOU, BRUCE?" "HELLO, BRUCE." "HOW ARE YOU, BRUCE?" "GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE" "A CHAP FROM POMMY LAND" "WHO'LL BE JOINING US THIS YEAR" "HERE IN THE PHILOSOPHY DEPARTMENT" "OF THE UNIVERSITY OF WOOLAMALOO." "( audience laughter )" "UH, MICHAEL BALDWIN, THIS IS BRUCE." "MICHAEL BALDWIN, THIS IS BRUCE." "MICHAEL BALDWIN, THIS IS BRUCE." "IS YOUR NAME NOT BRUCE, THEN?" "NO, IT'S MICHAEL." "THAT'S GOING TO CAUSE" "A LITTLE CONFUSION." "( laughter )" "MIND IF WE CALL YOU "BRUCE"" "JUST TO KEEP IT CLEAR?" "WELL, GENTLEMEN" "I THINK WE'D BETTER START THE MEETING." "BEFORE WE START, THOUGH" "I'LL ASK THE PADRE FOR A PRAYER." "O LORD, WE BESEECH THEE, HAVE MERCY ON OUR FACULTY, AMEN." "O LORD, WE BESEECH THEE, HAVE MERCY ON OUR FACULTY, AMEN." "CRACK THE TUBES, RIGHT!" "ER, BRUCE, I NOW CALL UPON YOU" "TO WELCOME MR. BALDWIN" "TO THE PHILOSOPHY DEPARTMENT." "I'D LIKE TO WELCOME" "THE POMMY BASTARD TO GOD'S OWN EARTH" "AND I'D LIKE TO REMIND HIM" "THAT WE DON'T LIKE" "STUCK-UP STICKY-BEAKS HERE." "STUCK-UP STICKY-BEAKS HERE." "WELL-SPOKEN, BRUCE." "NOW, BRUCE TEACHES CLASSICAL PHILOSOPHY" "BRUCE TEACHES HEGELIAN PHILOSOPHY" "BRUCE HERE TEACHES LOGICAL POSITIVISM" "AND IS ALSO IN CHARGE OF THE SHEEP-DIP." "( laughter )" "WHAT DOES NEW BRUCE TEACH?" "NEW BRUCE WILL BE TEACHING POLITICAL SCIENCE" "MACHIAVELLI, BENTHAM, LOCKE, HOBBES" "SUTCLIFFE, BRADMAN, LINDWALL, MILLER, HASSETT AND BENAUD." "THOSE ARE CRICKETERS, BRUCE." "OH, SPIT." "( laughter )" "HOWLS OF DERISIVE LAUGHTER, BRUCE." "IN ADDITION, AS HE'S GOING TO BE TEACHING POLITICS" "I'VE TOLD HIM HE'S WELCOME TO TEACH" "ANY OF THE GREAT SOCIALIST THINKERS" "PROVIDED HE MAKES IT CLEAR THAT THEY WERE WRONG." "PROVIDED HE MAKES IT CLEAR THAT THEY WERE WRONG." "WE LOVE YOU, AMEN." "( laughter )" "ANY QUESTIONS?" "NEW BRUCE, ARE YOU A POOFTAH?" "ARE YOU A POOFTAH?" "NO." "NO, RIGHT." "WELL, GENTLEMEN, I'LL JUST REMIND YOU" "OF THE FACULTY RULES." "RULE ONE:" "NO POOFTAHS." "RULE TWO:" "NO MEMBER OF THE FACULTY" "IS TO MALTREAT THE ABOS" "IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER" "IF THERE'S ANYONE WATCHING." "RULE THREE:" "NO POOFTAHS." "RULE FOUR:" "I DON'T WANT TO CATCH ANYONE" "NOT DRINKING IN THEIR ROOM AFTER LIGHTS OUT." "RULE FIVE:" "NO POOFTAHS." "RULE SIX:" "THERE IS NO RULE SIX." "RULE SEVEN:" "NO POOFTAHS." "THAT CONCLUDES THE READING OF THE RULES." "BRUCE?" "THIS HERE'S THE WATTLE" "THE EMBLEM OF OUR LAND." "YOU CAN STICK IT IN A BOTTLE" "OR YOU CAN HOLD IT IN YER HAND, AMEN." "OR YOU CAN HOLD IT IN YER HAND, AMEN." "GENTLEMEN, AT 6:00" "I WANT EVERY MAN-BRUCE OF YOU IN THE SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE ROOM" "TO TAKE A GLASS OF SHERRY WITH THE FLYING PHILOSOPHER, BRUCE" "AND I CALL UPON YOU, PADRE" "TO CLOSE THE MEETING WITH A PRAYER." "OH, LORD, WE BESEECH THEE" "ETC., ETC., ETC., AMEN." "ETC., ETC., ETC., AMEN." "RIGHT, LET'S GET SOME SHEILAS." "OKAY." "AH, ELEVENSES!" "THIS SHOULD TIDE US..." "THIS SHOULD TIDE US OVER 'TIL LUNCHTIME." "RECKON SO, BRUCE." "SYDNEY NOLAN!" "WHAT'S THAT?" "NUMBER NINE:" "THE EAR." "NUMBER TEN:" "THE BIG TOE." "NUMBER 11:" "MORE NAUGHTY BITS." "NUMBER 12:" "THE NAUGHTY BITS OFA LADY." "NUMBER 13:" "THE NAUGHTY BITS OFA HORSE." "NUMBER 14:" "THE NAUGHTY BITS OFAN ANT." "NUMBER 15:" "THE NAUGHTY BITS OF REGINALD MAUDLING." "NUMBER 16:" "THE HAND." "GOOD EVENING." "I HAVE WITH ME IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT" "MR. NORMAN ST." "JOHN POLEVAULTER" "WHO, FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS, HAS BEEN CONTRADICTING PEOPLE." "MR. POLEVAULTER, WHY DO YOU CONTRADICT PEOPLE?" "I DON'T." "YOU TOLD ME YOU DID." "I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT." "( laughter )" "OH, I SEE." "I'LL START AGAIN." "NO, YOU WON'T." "SHH!" "MR. POLEVAULTER" "I UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T CONTRADICT PEOPLE." "YES, I DO." "WHEN DIDN'T YOU START" "CONTRADICTING PEOPLE?" "WELL, I DID IN 1952." "1952?" "1947." "23 YEARS AGO?" "NO." "AND SO ON" "AND SO ON AND SO ON." "( laughter )" "AND NOW..." "NUMBER 17:" "THE TOP OF THE HEAD." "NUMBER 18:" "THE FEA THER..." "RARE." "NUMBER 19:" "THE NOSE." "( laughter )" "( marching musicplaying )" "( knock at door )" "( knock at door )" "( laughter )" "AH, MR. LUXURY YACHT." "DO SIT DOWN, PLEASE." "AH, NO, NO." "MY NAME IS SPELLED "LUXURY YACHT"" "BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED" ""THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE."" "AH, WELL, DO SIT DOWN, THEN" "MR. THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE." "THANK YOU." "NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE?" "UM... ( laughter )" "I'D LIKE YOU TO PERFORM SOME PLASTIC SURGERY ON ME." "I SEE, AND WHICH PARTICULAR FEATURE OF YOUR ANATOMY" "IS CAUSING YOU DISTRESS?" "WELL, WELL, FOR A LONG TIME NOW, IN FACT" "EVEN WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I..." "YOU KNOW, WHENEVER I LEFT HOME" "TO CATCH A BUS OR TO CATCH A TRAIN..." "AND EVEN MY TENNIS HAS SUFFERED, ACTUALLY..." "YES, TO BE ABSOLUTELY BLUNT" "YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR ENORMOUS HOOTER." "NO!" "NO?" "YES." "YES, AND YOU WANT ME" "TO HACK A BIT OFF." "PLEASE." "FINE." "IT IS A STARTLER, ISN'T IT?" "UH, DO YOU MIND IF I, UH...?" "WHAT?" "OH, NO, NOTHING, THEN." "WELL, I'LL JUST EXAMINE YOUR NOSE." "MR. LUXURY YACHT, THIS, UM..." "THIS NOSE OF YOURS IS FALSE." "IT'S MADE OF POLYSTYRENE." "AND YOUR OWN HOOTER'S A BEAUT." "NO PRUNING NECESSARY." "I'D STILL LIKE THE OPERATION." "WELL, YOU'VE HAD THE OPERATION, YOU STRANGE PERSON." "PLEASE DO AN OPERATION." "WELL, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "BUT ONLY IF YOU'LL COME ON A CAMPING HOLIDAY WITH ME." "HE ASKED ME!" "HE ASKED ME!" "( lighthearted melody plays )" "( laughter )" "NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU" "HOW TO PICK UP AN ARCHITECT, HOW TO PULL A PRIME MINISTER" "AND HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH A WHOLESALE POULTERER." "BUT NOW, THE MEN OF THE DERBYSHIRE LIGHT INFANTRY" "ENTERTAIN US WITH A PRECISION DISPLAY OF BAD TEMPER." "ENTERTAIN US WITH A PRECISION DISPLAY OF BAD TEMPER." "ALL ( in unison ):" "MY GOODNESS ME!" "I AM IN A BAD TEMPER TODAY!" "ALL RIGHT, TWO, THREE, DAMN, DAMN, TWO, THREE" "I AM VEXED AND RATTY, TWO, THREE" "AND HOPPING MAD." "AND NEXT, THE MEN OF THE SECOND ARMOURED DIVISION REGALE US" "WITH THEIR FAMOUS CLOSE ORDER SWANNING ABOUT." "SQUAD..." "CAMP IT UP!" "SQUAD..." "CAMP IT UP!" "I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER, DUCKY." "YOU COULDN'T AFFORD ME, DEAR, TWO, THREE." "I'LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT." "DON'T COME THE BRIGADIER BIT WITH US, DEAR." "WE ALL KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN" "YOU MILITARY FAIRY." "( laughter )" "WHOOPS, DON'T LOOK NOW, GIRLS." "THE MAJOR'S JUST MINCED IN WITH THAT DOLLY COLOR SERGEANT." "TWO, THREE." "OOH-HO!" "AND FINALLY... ( "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"plays )" "GOD, IF THEY DON'T STOP, I'LL KILL MYSELF." "( music continues )" "I SWEAR, I WILL." "( music continues )" "ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!" "( gunshot )" "( laughter )" "Announcer:" "FOR THREE DA YSAND NIGHTS" "THE DISPLACED EYEBALL PLUMMETED EARTHWARD" "UNTIL... ( clinks, then rattles )" "( ding )" "( laughter )" "( vehicle approaching )" "OH!" "OH!" "( laughter )" "Woman:" "WHAT'S THIS?" "Woman:" "WHAT'S THIS?" "COME ON, EVERYBODY, THAT'S RIGHT." "KEEP CLOSE, THAT'S RIGHT." "WATCH OUT FOR THE KILLER CARS." "VROOM!" "( laughter )" "Announcer:" "YES, THE KILLER CARS." "FOR YEARS, THE CITY HAD BEEN PLAGUED" "BY EVER-INCREASING PEDESTRIAN CONGESTION." "IN AN ATTEMPT TO ELIMINA TE THIS PROBLEM" "CERTAIN FANA TICAL CARS" "HAD TAKEN THE LAW INTO THEIR OWN HANDS." "VROOM, VROOM!" "( laughter )" "VROOM!" "V-V-VROOM." "BUT THE DA YS OF THE KILLER CARS WERE NUMBERED" "THANKS TO THE MIRACLE OFATOMICMUTA TION." "( thundering footsteps )" "( laughter )" "VROOM!" "VROOM!" "( thundering footsteps approaching )" "( tires squeal )" "( tires squeal )" "YOU'VE SAVED OUR CITY!" "BUTAT WHAT COST?" "( slurping )" "( meowing and growling )" "( crowd cheers )" "YOU'VE SAVED OUR CITY." "( splat )" "OF COURSE, THERE WERE THOSE WHO CHOSE TO LEA VE TOWN." "( train whistle blows )" "THIS, THEN, IS THE STORY OF TWO OF THEM." "MORNING, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?" "YES, WE'VE BOOKED ON YOUR FLIGHT FOR AMERICA." "OH, WE DON'T FLY TO AMERICA." "OH!" "THE AMERICAN FLIGHT." "ON THE PLANE" " OH, YES." "OH, WE DO THAT, ALL RIGHT." "SAFE AS HOUSES, NO NEED FOR PANIC." "IS IT REALLY 37 AND SIX?" "30 BOB" " I'M ROBBING MYSELF." "30 BOB?" "TWENTY-FIVE." "TWO QUID THE PAIR OF YOU." "THAT'S WITHOUT INSURANCE." "WELL, HOW MUCH IS IT WITH INSURANCE?" "102 QUID." "THAT'S INCLUDING THE FLIGHT." "HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?" "UH, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY" " NO IDEA." "SIX HOURS." "SIX?" "FIVE" " TEN FOR THE PAIR OF YOU." "OH, IS IT A JET?" "UH..." "WELL, NO." "IT'S NOT SO MUCH A JET." "IT'S MORE YOUR TRIUMPH HERALD ENGINE WITH WINGS." "WHEN ARE YOU TAKING OFF?" "3300 HOURS." "3300 HOURS." "2600 HOURS FOR THE PAIR OF YOU." "WHAT?" "HAVE THE INJECTIONS, YOU WON'T CARE." "WHAT INJECTIONS?" "BARLEY SUGAR INJECTIONS;" "CALM YOU DOWN." "THEY'RE COMPULSORY, BOARD OF TRADE, PROMISE." "OH, I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF INJECTIONS." "( imitates phone ringing )" "HELLO, YES, RIGHT." "YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE YOUR MIND UP STRAIGHT AWAY" "IF YOU'RE COMING OR NOT." "Both:" "YES." "RIGHT, YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND." "I'LL RING THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE." "HELLO?" "TWO MORE ON THE WAY, MRS. TURPIN." "Woman:" "AH." "NOW, THE DUTY-FREE TROLLEY IS OVER THERE." "THERE'S SOME LOVELY DROP SCONES" "AND SOME DUTY-FREE BROCCOLI" "AND THERE'S FRESH ECCLES CAKES." "YOU'RE ALLOWED 200 EACH ON THE PLANE." "THE VERRIFAST PLANE COMPANY ANNOUNCE" "THE DEPARTURE OF FLIGHT ONE TO OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY." "WILL PASSENGERS FOR FLIGHT ONE" "PLEASE ASSEMBLE AT GATE ONE." "PASSENGERS ARE ADVISED" "THAT THERE IS STILL PLENTY OF TIME" "TO BUY ECCLES CAKES." "NEARLY READY." "( laughter )" "WILL PASSENGERS PLEASE GET READY" "FOR THEIR BARLEY SUGAR INJECTIONS." "( with Japanese accent ):" "TODAY WE ALL TAKE VOW." "TODAY WE SMASH THE ENEMY FLEET!" "WE..." "SMASH..." "SMASH!" "( bellowing )" "THAT'S MR. KAMIKAZE, THE PILOT." "HE'S VERY NICE, REALLY" "BUT MAKE SURE HE STAYS CLEAR OF BATTLESHIPS." "( dramatic musicplays )" "Announcer:" "THERE HAVE BEEN MANY STIRRING TALES TOLD OF THE SEA" "AND ALSO SOME FAIRLY UNINTERESTING ONES" "ONLY MARGINALLY CONNECTED WITH IT, LIKE THIS ONE." "SORRY, THIS ISN'T A VERY GOOD ANNOUNCEMENT, SORRY." "AND HERE IS THE RESULT" "OF THE "WHERE TO PUT EDWARD HEATH'S STATUE" COMPETITION." "THE WINNER WAS A MR. IVY NORTH" "WHO WINS TEN GUINEAS AND A VISIT TO THE SAILORS' QUARTERS." "( all shouting and screaming )" "THAT WAS LAST YEAR'S REENACTMENT OF THE BATTLE OF PEARL HARBOR" "PERFORMED BY THE BATLEY TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD." "IT WAS WRITTEN, DIRECTED AND PRODUCED BY MRS. RITA FAIRBANKS." "HELLO AGAIN." "Reporter:" "AND WHAT ARE YOUR LADIES" "GOING TO DO FOR US THIS YEAR?" "WELL, THIS YEAR WE DECIDED TO REENACT" "SOMETHING WITH A MORE MODERN FLAVOR." "WE HAD CONSIDERED" "A VERSION OF MICHAEL STEWART'S SPEECH ON NIGERIA" "AND THERE WERE SEVERAL VOTES ON THE COMMITTEE" "FOR A STAGING OF HERR WILLY BRANDT'S VISIT TO EAST GERMANY." "BUT WE'VE SETTLED INSTEAD" "FOR A DRAMATIZATION OF THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT." "INCIDENTALLY, MY SISTER MADGE WILL BE PLAYING" "THE PLUCKY LITTLE SPRINGBOK PIONEER DR. CHRISTIAN BARNARD." "WELL, OFF WE GO, THEN" "WITH THE BATLEY TOWNSWOMEN'S GUILD REENACTMENT" "OF THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT." "( blows whistle )" "( all shouting )" "THE FIRST HEART TRANSPLANT." "BUT THIS IS NOT THE ONLY OPEN-AIR PRODUCTION HERE" "THAT HAS USED THE SEA." "THE THEATRICAL MANAGERS IN THIS AREA" "HAVE NOT BEEN SLOW TO APPRECIATE" "THE SEA'S TREMENDOUS DRAMATIC VALUE." "AND SOMEWHERE OUT IN THIS BAY IS" "THE FIRST UNDERWATER PRODUCTION OF MEASURE FOR MEASURE." "( muffled, gurgly Elizabethan speech begins )" "( gasping )" "( both take a deep breath )" "( muffled, gurgly speech resumes )" "SERVANT HO!" "FINE." "THE UNDERWATER VERSION OF MEASURE FOR MEASURE." "AND FURTHER OUT TO SEA" "HELLO, DOLLY!" "IS ALSO DOING GOOD BUSINESS." "( laughter )" "( laughter )" "AND OVER THERE ON THE OYSTER BEDS, FORMULA TWO CAR RACING." "( engine roaring )" "( tires screeching )" "Announcer:" "NUMBER 20:" "THEARMPITS." "NUMBER 21:" "THE BOTTOM TWO- THIRDS OF THE NAPE OF THE NECK." "( laughter )" "NUMBER 22:" "THE NIPPLE." "( laughter )" "Announcer on radio:" "And that concludes this week's episode of How to Recognize Different Parts of the Body adapted for radio by Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband, Pip." "And now we present the first episode of a new radio drama series" "The Death of Mary Queen of Scots." "Part one, the beginning." "( pleasant theme musicplays )" "Man ( with brogue ):" "You are Mary Queen of Scots?" "Woman:" "I am." "( banging andpounding )" "( woman screeches )" "( banging and crashing )" "( glass shatters )" "( screeching, pounding and hooting )" "( chaotic banging and screaming continue )" "( pleasant theme music enters, underpounding )" "( pounding stops )" "Announcer:" "Episode two of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots can be heard on Radio 4 almost immediately." "( theme music begins again )" "( sawing )" "( screaming)" "( chaotic pounding, crashing andyelling )" "( silence )" "Man with brogue:" "I think she's dead." "Woman:" "No, I'm not." "( bullet whirs )" "( screaming and crashing resume )" "( theme music fades up as crashing stops )" "Announcer:" "That was Episode 2 of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots adapted for the radio by Bernard Hollowood and Brian London." "And now, Radio 4 will explode." "( theme music returns )" "( explosion )" "WE'LL HAVE TO WATCH THE TELLY, THEN." "YES." "WELL, WHAT'S ON THE TELEVISION, THEN?" "LOOKS LIKE A PENGUIN." "( laughter )" "NO, NO, NO, NO." "I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT'S ON THE TELEVISION SET" "I MEANT WHAT PROGRAM!" "OH." "OOH." "( softly ):" "TALL AND TAN" "Both ( softly ):" "AND YOUNG AND HANDSOME" "THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING." "FUNNY THAT PENGUIN BEING THERE, INNIT?" "WHAT'S IT DOING THERE?" "STANDING." "I CAN SEE THAT!" "IF IT LAYS AN EGG... ( laughter )" "IT WILL FALL DOWN THE BACK" "OF THE TELEVISION SET." "WE'LL HAVE TO WATCH THAT." "MMM." "UNLESS IT'S A MALE." "OOH, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT." "YES, LOOKS FAIRLY BUTCH." "( laughter )" "PERHAPS IT COMES FROM NEXT DOOR." "PENGUINS DON'T COME FROM NEXT DOOR." "THEY COME FROM THE ANTARCTIC!" "BURMA!" "WHY DID YOU SAY "BURMA"?" "I PANICKED." "OH." "( laughter )" "PERHAPS IT'S FROM THE ZOO." "WHICH ZOO?" "HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHICH ZOO?" "I'M NOT DR. BLOODY BRONOWSKI!" "HOW DOES DR. BRONOWSKI KNOW" "WHICH ZOO IT CAME FROM?" "HE KNOWS EVERYTHING." "OH, I WOULDN'T LIKE THAT." "IT WOULD TAKE THE MYSTERY OUT OF LIFE." "ANYWAY, IF IT CAME FROM THE ZOO" "IT WOULD HAVE "PROPERTY OF THE ZOO"" "STAMPED ON IT." "NO, IT WOULDN'T." "THEY DON'T STAMP ANIMALS "PROPERTY OF THE ZOO."" "YOU COULDN'T STAMP A HUGE LION." "THEY STAMP THEM WHEN THEY'RE SMALL." "( laughter )" "WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY MOLT?" "LIONS DON'T MOLT." "NO, BUT PENGUINS DO." "THERE, I'VE RUN RINGS ROUND YOU LOGICALLY." "OH, INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN." "( laughter )" "It's just gone 8:00 and time for the penguin on top of your television set" "to explode." "HOW DID HE KNOW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?" "It was an inspired guess." "And now..." "NUMBER 23:" "THE SHIN." "NUMBER 24:" "REGINALD MAUDLING'S SHIN." "NUMBER 25:" "THE BRAIN." "NUMBER 26:" "MARGARET THA TCHER'S BRAIN." "( laughter and applause )" "AND NUMBER 27:" "MORE NAUGHTY BITS." "NUMBER 28:" "THE NAUGHTY BITS OF THE CABINET." "NUMBER 29:" "THE INTERIOR OFA COUNTRY HOUSE." "THAT'S NOT A PART OF THE BODY." "NO, IT'S A LINK, THOUGH." "I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS VERY GOOD." "NO, IT'S THE END OF THE SERIES." "THEY MUST BE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS." "ALL RIGHT, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE." "THERE'S BEEN A MURDER." "A MURDER?" "NO, NO, NOT MURDER, NO." "WHAT'S LIKE A MURDER BUT BEGINS WITH "B"?" "BIRMINGHAM?" "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO." "Other man:" "BURNLEY?" "BURNLEY, THAT'S RIGHT." "BURNLEY IN LANCASHIRE." "THERE'S BEEN A BURNLEY." "BURGLARY!" "BURGLARY." "YES, GOOD MAN." "BURGLARY-- THAT'S IT, OF COURSE." "THERE'S BEEN A BURGLARY." "WHERE?" "IN THE BACK, JUST BELOW THE RIB." "NO, THAT'S MURDER." "OH, NO" " IN THE, UH, THE BAND." "IN THE BAT..." "BARCLAYS BAT." "BARCLAYS BANK?" "YES, NASTY BUSINESS." "GOT AWAY WITH Pound23,000." "ANY CLUES?" "ANY WHAT?" "WELL, ANY EVIDENCE AS TO WHO DID IT?" "ANY CLUES, EH?" "OH, WE DON'T HALF TALK POSH, DO WE?" "( mockingly ):" "I SUPPOSE WE SAY "EHNVELOPE"" "AND "LARNGERIE"" "AND "SARNDWICHES ON THE SETTEE."" "WELL, THIS IS A MURDER INVESTIGATION, YOUNG MAN" "AND MURDER IS A VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS!" "Other man:" "I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS A BURGLARY." "( laughter )" "BURGLARY IS ALMOST AS SERIOUS A BUSINESS AS MURDER." "SOME BURGLARIES ARE MORE SERIOUS THAN MURDER." "A BURGLARY IN WHICH SOMEONE GETS STABBED IS MURDER." "SO DON'T COME THESE PETTY DISTINCTIONS WITH ME." "YOU'RE AS BAD AS A JUDGE." "RIGHT!" "NOW, THE FIRST THING TO DO" "IN THE EVENT OF A BREACH OF A PEACE OF ANY KIND" "IS TO GO AND..." "SORRY, SORRY, I WAS MILES AWAY." "RING THE POLICE?" "RING THE POLICE." "YES, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA." "GET THEM OVER HERE FAST." "NO, ON SECOND THOUGHTS" "GET THEM OVER HERE SLOWLY" "SO THEY DON'T DROP ANYTHING." "SHALL I MAKE US ALL A CUP OF TEA?" "MAKE WHAT YOU LIKE, BOSKOVITCH." "IT WON'T HELP YOU IN COURT." "I BEG YOUR PARDON?" "I'M SORRY, SORRY." "THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH BEING ON TWO CASES AT ONCE." "I KEEP THINKING I'VE GOT BOSKOVITCH CORNERED" "WHEREAS IN FACT, I'M INVESTIGATING A BURNLEY." "BURGLARY." "YES" " GOOD MAN." "( police siren wailing )" "WHO'S..." "WHO'S BOSKOVITCH?" "HA!" "BOSKOVITCH IS A RUSSIAN SCIENTIST" "WHO'S PASSING INFORMATION TO THE RUSSIANS." "CLASSIFIED INFORMATION?" "OH, THERE HE GOES AGAIN." ""CLASSIFIED INFORMATION"?" "OH, SITTING ON THE SETTEE" "WITH OUR SCONES AND OUR CLASSIFIED INFORMATION?" "AH, HELLO, DUCKIE." "HELLO, SIR, HOW ARE YOU?" "FINE, THANKS, HOW ARE YOU?" "WELL, SIR" "I'M A LITTLE BIT MOODY TODAY, SIR." "WHY IS THAT, DUCKIE?" "( music begins )" "BECAUSE..." "I'M A LITTLE BIT SAD AND LONELY" "NOW MY BABY'S GONE AWAY" "I'M FEELING KINDA BLUE, I DON'T KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO" "I FEEL A LITTLE SAD TODAY." "HE'SA LITTLE BIT SAD AND LONELY" "NOW HIS BABY'S GONEAWA Y" "HE'S FEELING KINDA BLUE, HE DON'T KNOWJUST WHAT TO DO" "HEAIN'T FEELING TOO GOOD TODA Y." "( horribly out of tune ):" "WHEN I SMILE" "THE SUN COMES FLOODING IN" "WHEN I'M SAD" "IT GOES BEHIND THE CLOUDS AGAIN" "I'M A LITTLE BIT SAD AND LONELY" "WELL, MY BABY'S GONE AWAY" "I'M FEELING KINDA..." "ETCETERA, ETCETERA." "Inspector:" "LOVELY SONG." "Announcer:" "AND THAT'S THE FINAL ENTRY" "LA DERNIERE ENTREE, DAS FINAL ENTRY." "AND NOW, GUTEN ABEND." "DIE SCORES, DER SCORES, LES SCORES, DEI SCORES." "OH, SCORES..." "HA!" "SCORES!" "YES, MONACO IS THE WINNER." "HA!" "MONACO IS THE LINNER." "OH, YES, MAN, MONACO'S WON DE BIG PRIZE, BWANA." "AND NOW, HERE IS CHIEF INSPECTOR JEAN-PAUL ZATAPATHIQUE" "WITH THE WINNING SONG, ONCE AGAIN." "Announcer:" "AND SO, INSPECTOR ZATAPATHIQUE" "THE FORENSIC EXPERT FROM THE MONACO MURDER SQUAD" "SINGS HIS SONG, "BING TIDDLE TIDDLE BONG."" "( men humming soulful background harmony )" "QUOI?" "QUOI?" "TOUT LE MONDE, QUOI?" "POURQUOI?" "LE MONDE EST ROND..." "MAIS..." "MAISJE NE SAIS PAS..." "VRAIMENT..." "D'HABITUDE..." "MAIS..." "JE..." "PENSE... ( shouting, with chorus ):" "BING TIDDLE TIDDLE, TIDDLE, TIDDLE, TIDDLE, BANG!" "BONG BING!" "BING TIDDLE TIDDLE, TIDDLE TIDDLE TIDDLE BING!" "BANG BONG!" "BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE..." "BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE... and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "BANG!" "BING BANG!" "BANG!" "BANG BANG!" "BANG...!" "( applause )" "BING TIDDLE TIDDLE, BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE" "BONG TIDDLE TIDDLE TIDDLE DING DING" "BING TIDDLE TIDDLE, BANG TIDDLE TIDDLE" "BONG TIDDLE TIDDLE TIDDLE DING DING..." "BING TIDDLE TIDDLE BING..." "BANG!" "( music ends )" "( applause and cheering )" "NUMBER 31:" "THE END." "( squawking fades )" "( footsteps approaching )" "( speaking French )" "( speaking French )" "( clears throat )" "( humming "La Marseillaise" )" "( chuckles )" "( laughing )" "( both laughing )" "( grunting )" "( chuckles )" "BRIAN DISTEL AND BRIANETTE ZATAPATHIQUE THERE" "IN AN IMPROVISED SCENE" "FROM JEAN KENNETH LONGUEUR'S NEW MOVIE LE FROMAGE GRAND." "BRIAN AND BRIANETTE SYMBOLIZE THE BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATIONS" "IN OUR MODERN SOCIETY IN THIS EXCITING NEW FILM." "LONGUEUR IS SAYING TO US, HIS AUDIENCE" ""GO ON, PROTEST, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT" "ASSAULT THE MANAGER, DEMAND YOUR MONEY BACK."" "LATER ON IN THE FILM, IN A BRILLIANTLY CONCEIVED MONTAGE" "LONGUEUR MERCILESSLY EXPOSES THE VIOLENCE UNDERLYING OUR SOCIETY" "WHEN BRIAN AND BRIANETTE AGAIN MEET" "ON YET ANOTHER RUBBISH DUMP." "( ticking )" "( ticking grows louder )" "PRETTY STRONG MEAT THERE FROM LONGUEUR" "WHO IS SAYING, OF COURSE, THAT ULTIMATELY MATERIALISM" "IN THIS CASE, THE WEBB'S WONDER LETTUCE" "MUST DESTROY US ALL." "THAT WAS FOR O. SIMON, K. SIMON, P. SIMON" "AND R. SPARROW OF LEICESTER." "LATER ON, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A LOOK" "AT JOHN WAYNE'S LATEST MOVIE" "BUCKETS OF BLOOD POURING OUT OF PEOPLE'S HEADS" "BUT NOW WE LOOK AHEAD." "ON TUESDAY, CHRIS CONGER TOOK A BBC FILM UNIT" "TO THE LOCATION WHERE 20th CENTURY VOLE" "ARE SHOOTING THEIR LATEST EPIC SCOTT OF THEANTARCTIC." "SEA, SAND AND SUNSHINE" "MAKE PAIGNTON THE QUEEN OF THE ENGLISH RIVIERA." "WELL, FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS, THIS SLEEPY DEVONSHIRE RESORT" "WILL BE TRANSFORMED INTO THE BLIZZARD-SWEPT WASTES" "OF THE SOUTH POLE." "FOR TODAY, SHOOTING STARTS ON THE EPIC SCOTT OF THEANTARCTIC" "PRODUCED BY JERRY SCHLICK." "HELLO." "JERRY, YOU CHOSE PAIGNTON AS THE LOCATION FOR SCOTT." "RIGHT, RIGHT." "ISN'T IT A BIT OF A DRAWBACK" "THAT THERE'S NO SNOW HERE?" "WELL, WE HAVE 28,000 CUBIC FEET OF WINTREX" "WHICH IS A NEW WHITE FOAM RUBBER" "WHICH ACTUALLY ON SCREEN LOOKS" "MORE LIKE SNOW THAN SNOW" "AND 1,600 CUBIC U.S. FURLONGS OF WHITE PAINT" "WITH A SPECIAL SNOW FINISH." "AND I BELIEVE KIRK VILB IS PLAYING THE TITLE ROLE." "THAT IS CORRECT." "WE WERE VERY THRILLED AND HONORED" "WHEN KIRK AGREED TO PLAY THE PART" "OF LIEUTENANT SCOTT" "BECAUSE A STAR OF HIS MAGNITUDE" "CAN PICK AND CHOOSE, BUT HE READ THE TITLE" "AND JUST FLIPPED." "AND DIRECTING, WE HAVE A VERY FINE" "YOUNG BRITISH DIRECTOR, JAMES McRETTIN" "WHO'S BEEN COLLABORATING" "ON THE SCREENPLAY, OF COURSE." "JIMMY." "OH, THERE YOU ARE." "HELLO." "HELLO." "NO PROBLEM." "HAVE A DRINK." "HAVE A DRINK." "OH, GREAT." "HELLO." "MARVELOUS." "MARVELOUS." "HELLO." "REWRITE." "OH, THIS IS REALLY GREAT." "I MEAN, IT'S REALLY SAYING SOMETHING, DON'T YOU THINK?" "HAVE YOU STARTED SHOOTING YET?" "YES, YES." "GREAT." "PERFECT." "NO, NO, WE HAVEN'T STARTED YET." "NO." "BUT GREAT, GREAT." "WHAT IS THE FIRST SCENE THAT YOU SHOOT THIS MORNING?" "GREAT." "PERFECT." "OH, IT'S GREAT." "NO PROBLEM." "WE'LL SORT IT OUT ON THE FLOOR." "SORT IT OUT ON THE FLOOR." "NO PROBLEM." "THIS FILM IS BASICALLY PRO-HUMANITY" "AND ANTI-BAD THINGS" "AND IT RIPS ASIDE THE HYPOCRITICAL FACADE" "OF OUR SOCIETY'S GIN AND TONIC" "AND LEAVES A LOT OF SACRED COWS ROLLING AROUND IN AGONY." "HAVE A DRINK." "HAVE A DRINK." "BUT WHICH SCENE ARE WE SHOOTING FIRST, JIMMY?" "YES." "GREAT." "OH, MARVELOUS." "WHICH SCENE ARE WE SHOOTING FIRST?" "WHAT?" "IT'S SCENE ONE." "SCENE ONE." "SCENE ONE." "IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE." "WELL, IT IS NOW." "I REWROTE IT." "I THOUGHT WE CUT THAT." "DID WE CUT...?" "NO, WE DIDN'T." "WE DIDN'T?" "OH, GREAT." "THAT'S EVEN BETTER." "I'LL PUT IT BACK IN." "UH..." "REWRITE." "SCENE ONE'S BACK IN, EVERYONE." "SCENE ONE'S BACK IN." "GREAT." "GREAT." "THIS IS THE SCENE OUTSIDE THE TENT." "IT'S ALL BLOODY MARVELOUS." "IT MAKES YOU WANT TO THROW UP." "NOW, IN THIS SCENE" "LIEUTENANT SCOTT RETURNS TO CAMP IN THE EARLY MORNING" "AFTER WALKING THE HUSKIES" "TO HAVE BRUNCH WITH THE REST OF HIS TEAM." "OATES" "PLAYED BY YOUR VERY OWN LOVELY TERRENCE LEMMING" "WHO IS AN ENGLISH COCKNEY OFFICER" "SECONDED TO THE U.S. NAVY" "AND BOWERS, PLAYED BY SEYMOUR FORTESCUE" "THE OLYMPIC POLE-VAULTER." "HI, LIEUTENANT." "HI, OATESY." "SURE IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY ALREADY." "GREAT!" "GREAT!" "WHAT..." "WHAT-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" "I WAS JUST SAYING, "GREAT!" "GREAT!"" "CUE EVANS." "Schlick:" "AND THIS IS VANILLA HOARE AS MISS EVANS." "Conger:" "MISS EVANS?" "Schlick:" "RIGHT." "GOOD MORNING, MISS EVANS." "OH..." "I'VE FORGOTTEN MY LINE." "UH, WHAT'S HER LINE?" "WHAT'S HER LINE?" ""GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN SCOTT."" "OH, YEAH." "GOOD..." "MORNING, CAP..." "CA..." "OH, I'M JUST NOT REALLY VERY HAPPY WITH THAT LINE." "COULD I JUST SAY, "HI, SCOTTIE"?" "GREAT!" "GREAT!" "REWRITE!" "CUE!" "HI, SCARRIE." "OH..." "SORRY." "HI, STOCKY." "OH..." "I'M SORRY AGAIN." "OH, JIM, I'M JUST NOT HAPPY WITH THIS LINE." "HEY, CAN I DO IT ALL SORT OF..." "KOOKY, LIKE THIS?" "( squealing ):" "HI, SCOTTY!" "GREAT!" "WE'LL SHOOT IT!" "ARE YOU SURE THAT'S RIGHT?" "AH, IT'S GREAT!" "JIM..." "JIM!" "JIM!" "JI..." "OH, ME." "NOW, JIM, I FEEL WE MAY BE RUNNING INTO SOME PROBLEMS HERE" "IN THE AREA OF HEIGHT." "GREAT, WHERE ARE THEY?" "WHERE ARE WHO?" "I DON'T KNOW." "I WAS GETTING CONFUSED." "JIM..." "GREAT." "I FEEL HERE THAT SCOTT MAY BE TOO TALL" "IN THE AREA OF HEIGHT, WITH REFERENCE TO VANILLA" "WHO IS TOO NEAR THE GROUND" "IN THE AREA OF BEING TOO SHORT AT THIS TIME." "GREAT." "OH, I KNOW!" "I'M GOING TO DIG A PIT FOR SCOTT" "AND PUT A BOX IN VANILLA'S TRENCH." "SAY, WHY DON'T I TAKE THE BOXES OFF" "AND VANILLA GET UP OUT OF THE TRENCH?" "IT WOULDN'T WORK." "IT'S EVEN BETTER!" "GREAT!" "REWRITE!" "Vanilla:" "WHAT WAS THAT?" "OH, IT'S EASY!" "I'VE WORKED IT OUT." "UH, SCOTT TAKES HIS BOXES OFF" "AND YOU DON'T STAND IN THE TRENCH." "I SAY MY LINES OUT OF THE TRENCH?" "EVEN BETTER." "GREAT." "BUT I'VE NEVER ACTED OUT OF A TRENCH." "I MIGHT FALL OVER." "IT'S DANGEROUS." "OH, WELL, COULD YOU JUST TRY IT?" "LOOK, YOU CRUMB BUM..." "I'M A STAR." "STAR, STAR, STAR." "I DON'T GET A MILLION DOLLARS TO ACT OUT OF A TRENCH." "I PLAYED MISS JOHN THE BAPTIST IN A TRENCH" "AND I PLAYED MISS NAPOLEON BONAPARTE IN A TRENCH" "AND I PLAYED MISS ALEXANDER FLEMING IN A FURROW." "SO IF YOU WANT THIS SCENE PLAYED OUT OF A TRENCH" "WELL, YOU JUST GET YOURSELF A GODDAMN STUNTMAN!" "HUH!" "I PLAYED MISS GALILEO IN A GROOVE..." "AND I PLAYED MRS. JESUS CHRIST" "IN A GEOLOGICAL SYNCLINE" "SO DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ACT." "I KNOW HOW TO ACT." "I DON'T HAVE TO ACT..." "GREAT." "UH, GREAT, GREAT, EVERYONE." "UH, LUNCH NOW." "LUNCH." "IT'S ALL IN THE CAN." "GOOD MORNING'S WORK." "BUT YOU HAVEN'T DONE A SHOT." "JUST KEEPING MORALE UP." "NOW, THIS AFTERNOON" "WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT THE SCENE" "WHERE SCOTT GETS OFF THE BOAT, ONTO THE ICE FLOE" "AND HE SEES THE LION" "AND HE FIGHTS IT AND HE KILLS IT" "AND THE BLOOD GOES PSSSSSHHH" "IN SLOW MOTION." "BUT THERE AREN'T ANY LIONS IN THE ANTARCTIC." "WHAT?" "THERE AREN'T ANY LIONS IN THE ANTARCTIC." "YOU'RE RIGHT." "THERE ARE NO LIONS IN THE ANTARCTIC." "THAT'S RIDICULOUS!" "WHOEVER HEARD OF A LION IN THE ANTARCTIC?" "RIGHT, LOSE THE LION." "GOT TO KEEP THE LION." "IT'S GREAT!" "LOSE THE LION." "GREAT!" "WE'RE LOSING THE LION." "REWRITE!" "LOSE THE LION, EVERYONE." "THAT'S FANTASTIC!" "WHAT'S THIS ABOUT, UH, LOSING THE LION?" "UH, WELL, KIRK, WE THOUGHT PERHAPS WE MIGHT, UH..." "LOSE THE FIGHT WITH THE LION A LITTLE BIT, KIRK, ANGEL." "WHY?" "!" "OH, WELL, KIRKIE, DOLL" "THERE ARE NO LIONS IN THE ANTARCTIC, BABY." "I GET TO FIGHT THE LION!" "IT'D BE SILLY." "LISTEN!" "I GOT TO FIGHT THE LION!" "THAT'S WHAT THAT GUY SCOTT'S ALL ABOUT." "I KNOW-- I STUDIED HIM ALREADY." "BUT WHY COULDN'T YOU FIGHT A PENGUIN?" "GREAT!" "FIGHT A ROTTEN, LITTLE PENGUIN?" "IT NEEDN'T BE A LITTLE PENGUIN." "IT CAN BE THE BIGGEST PENGUIN YOU'VE EVER SEEN." "AN ELECTRIC PENGUIN, 20 FEET HIGH" "WITH LONG, GREEN TENTACLES THAT STING PEOPLE" "AND YOU CAN STAB IT IN THE WINGS" "AND THE BLOOD CAN GO SPURTING..." "PSSSSSHHH IN SLOW MOTION." "THE LION IS IN THE CONTRACT." "HE FIGHTS THE LION." "EVEN BETTER!" "GREAT!" "HAVE A DRINK." "HEY, LOSE THE PENGUIN." "STAND BY TO SHOOT." "WHERE DO THEY HAVE LIONS?" "AFRICA." "THAT'S IT!" "SCOTT'S IN AFRICA." "AS MANY LIONS AS WE NEED." "GREAT!" "SCOTT IS LOOKING FOR A POLE NO ONE ELSE KNOWS ABOUT." "THAT TIES IN WITH THE SAND." "RIGHT." "PAINT THE SAND YELLOW AGAIN." "OKAY, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD." "SCOTT OF THE SAHARA." "( dramatic musicplaying )" "Narrator:" "BOOMING OUT OF THE PAGES OF HISTORY" "COMESA STORY OF THREE MEN AND ONE WOMAN" "WHOSE COURAGE SHOCKED A GENERA TION." "FROM THE SAME TEAM THAT BROUGHT YOU:" "COMES THE STORY" "OF THREE PEOPLEAND A WOMAN, UNITED BY FA TE" "WHO SET OUT IN SEARCH OF THE FABLED POLE OF THE SAHARA" "AND FOUND..." "THEMSEL VES." "SEE LIEUTENANT SCOTT'S DEA TH STRUGGLE" "WITH A CRAZED DESERT LION." "( ferocious roaring )" "( roaring )" "SEE ENSIGN OA TES' FRANKADULT DEA TH STRUGGLE" "WITH THE SPINE-CHILLING GIANT ELECTRIC PENGUIN..." "( electronic squawking )" "( screaming )" "( grunting )" "( screaming )" "( screaming )" "( squawking continues )" "SEE MISS EVANS" "PURSUED BY THE MAN-EA TING ROLLTOP WRITING DESK." "( gasping and whimpering )" "( chomping and grunting )" "( gasping and whimpering )" "( screams )" "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with a rude noise )" "( more rude noises )" "( even more rude noises )" "( even more rude noises )" "THEN LISTEN TO THE SOUNDS OF DANCING TEETH." "( southern accent ):" "YES, BROTHERS, IT'S TIME ONCEAGAIN" "FOR CONRAD POOHS AND HIS DANCING TEETH." "( rude noise )" "( calliope music intro )" "( calliope fanfare )" "( merry-go-round musicplaying )" "( audience booing )" "( flowery musicplaying )" "( clears throat ):" "EXCUSE ME, I'D LIKE TO MAKE A CORRECTION." "CONRAD IS, IN FACT, HOLDING A LETTER, NOT A TELEGRAM." "THANK YOU." "A LETTER." "A LETTER." "( water splashing )" "( clang )" "( suctioning )" "( tweetering )" "( plop )" "( plop )" "( suctioning )" "( whoosh )" "FIVE PENCE, PLEASE." "EXCUSE ME." "I WOULD LIKE TO BUY A FISH LICENCE, PLEASE." "( sighing )" "THE MAN'S SIGN MUST BE WRONG." "I HAVE IN THE PAST NOTICED A MARKED DISCREPANCY" "BETWEEN THESE POST OFFICE SIGNS" "AND THE ACTIVITIES CARRIED OUT BENEATH." "BUT SOFT, LET US SEE HOW DAME FORTUNE SMILES" "UPON MY NEXT POSTAL ADVENTURE." "HELLO." "I WOULD LIKE TO BUY A FISH LICENCE, PLEASE." "A WHAT?" "A LICENCE FOR MY PET FISH ERIC." "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME WAS ERIC?" "OH, NO, NO, NO." "MY FISH'S NAME IS ERIC." "ERIC THE FISH." "HE'S AN 'ALIBUT." "HE'S A WHAT?" "HE IS AN HALIBUT." "YOU'VE GOT A PET HALIBUT?" "YES." "I CHOSE HIM OUT OF THOUSANDS." "DIDN'T LIKE THE OTHERS." "THEY WERE ALL TOO FLAT." "YOU'RE A LOONY." "I AM NOT A LOONY!" "WHY SHOULD I BE TARRED WITH THE EPITHET "LOONY"" "MERELY BECAUSE I HAVE A PET HALIBUT?" "I'VE HEARD TELL THAT SIR GERALD NABARRO" "HAS A PET PRAWN CALLED SIMON" "AND YOU WOULDN'T CALL SIR GERALD A LOONY, WOULD YOU?" "FURTHERMORE" "DAWN PALETHORPE, THE LADY SHOW JUMPER" "HAD A CLAM CALLED SIR STAFFORD AFTER THE LATE CHANCELLOR." "ALAN BULLOCK HAS TWO PIKES, BOTH CALLED NORMAN" "AND THE LATE GREAT MARCEL PROUST HAD AN 'ADDOCK!" "IF YOU'RE CALLING THE AUTHOR OF A LA RECHERCHE DU TEMPS PERDU" "A LOONY, I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO STEP OUTSIDE!" "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "YOU WANT A LICENCE?" "YES." "FOR A FISH?" "YES." "YOU ARE A LOONY." "LOOK, IT'S A BLEEDIN' PET, ISN'T IT?" "I'VE GOT A LICENCE FOR ME PET DOG ERIC" "AND I GOT A LICENCE FOR ME PET CAT ERIC." "YOU DON'T NEED A LICENCE FOR A CAT." "YOU BLEEDIN' WELL DO, AND I'VE GOT ONE." "HO-HO, YOU'RE NOT CATCHING ME OUT THERE." "THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BLOODY CAT LICENCE." "YES, THERE IS." "NO, THERE ISN'T." "IS." "ISN'T." "IS." "ISN'T." "UH-HUH." "IS." "ISN'T." "IS." "ISN'T." "IS." "ISN'T." "IS!" "ISN'T." "WHAT'S THAT, THEN?" "THAT IS A DOG LICENCE WITH THE WORD "DOG" CROSSED OUT" "AND THE WORD "CAT" WRITTEN IN IN CRAYON." "WELL, THE MAN DIDN'T HAVE THE PROPER FORM." "WHAT MAN?" "THE MAN FROM THE CAT DETECTOR VAN." ""LOONY DETECTIVE VAN" YOU MEAN." "IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHAT CAUSES UNREST." "ALL RIGHT, WHAT CAT DETECTOR VAN?" "THE CAT DETECTOR VAN FROM THE MINISTRY OF HOUSINGE." "HOUSINGE?" "YES." "IT WAS SPELT THAT WAY ON THE VAN." "I'M VERY OBSERVANT." "I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY AERIALS IN ME LIFE." "THE MAN TOLD ME THEIR EQUIPMENT" "COULD PINPOINT A PURR AT 400 YARDS." "AND ERIC, BEING SUCH A HAPPY CAT, WAS A PIECE OF CAKE." "HOW MUCH DID THIS COST?" "60 QUID AND EIGHT GUINEAS FOR THE FRUIT BAT." "WHAT FRUIT BAT?" "ERIC THE FRUIT BAT." "ARE ALL YOUR PETS CALLED ERIC?" "THERE'S NOTHING SO ODD ABOUT THAT." "KEMEL ATATURK HAD AN ENTIRE MENAGERIE ALL CALLED ABDUL." "NO, HE DIDN'T." "DID, DID, DID, DID, DID, DID, DID, INDEED." "THERE YOU ARE." "KEMEL ATA TURK THE MAN BY E.W. SWANTON" "WITH A FORWARD BY PAUL ANKA." "PAGE 91, PLEASE." "( clears throat )" "I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY, SIR." "SPOKEN LIKE A GENTLEMAN." "NOW, ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME THIS FISH LICENCE?" "I PROMISE YOU, THERE IS NO SUCH THING." "YOU DON'T NEED ONE." "THEN I WOULD LIKE A STATEMENT TO THAT FACT" "SIGNED BY THE LORD MAYOR." "( fanfare )" "YOU'RE IN LUCK." "( solemn organ music )" "( Man whispering ):" "AND NOW, THERE IS THE MA YOR" "SURELY THE THIRD TALLESTMA YOR IN DERBY'S HISTORY." "AND THEREARE THEALDERMEN" "MAGNIFICENTLY RESPLENDENT IN THEIR ALDERMANIC HOSE" "ANDJUST LOOKAT THE POWER IN THOSE THIGHS." "THE NEWZEALANDERSARE GOING TO FIND IT PRETTY TOUGH GOING" "IN THE SET PIECES IN THE SECOND HALF." "SO DA WN PALETHORPE WITH ONE CLEAR ROUND ON SIR GERALD..." "AND NOW THE MA YOR HAS REACHED" "THE GREAT CUSTOMER MR. ERIC PRALINE." "AND NOW THE MA YORAL HUMAN BEING" "TAKES THE MA YORAL PEN IN HIS MA YORAL HAND" "AND WA TCHED BY THE LADY MA YORESS" "WHO, OF COURSE, SCORED THATMAGNIFICENT TRY" "IN THE FIRST HALF, SIGNS THE FISHY EXEMPTION." "AND THE GREAT CUSTOMER, MR. ERIC PRALINE" "WHO IS UNDERSTANDABLYAWED" "BY THE MAGNIFICENCE AND EVEN THEABSURDITY" "OF THIS GREAT OCCASION HERE AT CARDIFFARMS PARK" "HAS FINALLY GONE SPARE" "AND THERE IS THE "GOING SPARAL" LOOK ON THE FRONT OF HIS HEAD." "AND NOW THEALDERMAN ARE FINISHING THEIR ORANGES" "AND LEA VING THE POST OFFICE FOR THE START OF THE SECOND HALF." "Announcer:" "And here come the Derby Council XV following the All Blacks out onto the pitch." "There, in the center of the picture you can see Dawn Palethorpe on Sir Gerald" "one of the fastest wingers we must have seen in England this season." "On the Left-hand side of the picture the Lord Mayor has been running such wonderful possession for Derby Council in the Lines out." "And it's the All Blacks to kick off." "Wilson to kick off." "Oh, and I can see there the Chairman of the By-Ways and Highways Committee who's obviously recovered from that very nasty blow he got in that Loose ball in the first half." "And Wilson kicks off and it's the Town Clerk's taken the ball beautifully there." "The All Blacks are up on it very fast, and the whistle has gone." "I'm not quite sure what happened there." "I couldn't see, but there's a scrum-down." "I think it's an All Blacks' ball." "They were up on them very fast." "Obviously, they're going to try very hard in this half to wipe out this five-point deficit." "Derby Council eight points to three up and Derby Council have got the ball against the head." "There is the Borough Surveyor, the scrum-half is out of the... uh, the Chairman of the Highway and By-way Committee who's kicked for touch." "The Line out-- and it's into the Line out and the Mayor has got the ball again." "To the Borough Surveyor." "He's Left out the Medical Officer of Health." "Straight along the Line to the Lady Mayoress and the Lady Mayoress has got to go through!" "Number two has missed her!" "She's up to the full back!" "There's only the full back to beat!" "And she has scored!" "The Lady Mayoress has scored!" "It's 11 points to three." "CLIFF, THIS MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY DISAPPOINTING RESULT" "FOR THE ALL BLACKS." "WELL, THEY'VE HAD VERY BAD LUCK ON THEIR TOUR SO FAR." "IN FACT, THEY MISSED FOUR VERY EASY KICKS" "AGAINST THE EXETER AMATEUR OPERATIC SOCIETY" "WHICH MUST HAVE COST THEM THE MATCH." "AND THEN, OF COURSE, THERE WAS THAT CRIPPLING DEFEAT" "AT THE HANDS OF THE DERRY AND TOMS SOFT TOY DEPARTMENT." "SO, I DON'T THINK THEY CAN REALLY BE FANCYING THEIR CHANCES" "AGAINST THE LONDON POOVES ON SATURDAY." "AND WHAT ABOUT CHINA?" "WELL, WHETHER MAO TSE TUNG IS ALIVE OR NOT" "LIN PIAO HAS A STRANGLEHOLD ON THE CENTRAL COMMITTEE" "WHICH LIN SHAO CHI CAN'T BREAK." "SO IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN WHETHER CHOU EN LAI" "CAN REALLY GET HIS FINGER OUT" "AND GET GOING IN THE SECOND HALF." "WELL, THANK YOU, CLIFF." "TONIGHT'S OTHER OUTSTANDING MATCH" "WAS THE SEMIFINAL BETWEEN THE BOURNEMOUTH GYNECOLOGISTS" "AND THE WATFORD LONG JOHN SILVER IMPERSONATORS." "WE BRING YOU EDITED HIGHLIGHTS OF THE MATCH." "ARGH." "( Long John Silver impersonators saying "Argh" and "Matey" )" "WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN." "BUT REMEMBER, IF YOU ENJOYED WATCHING THE SHOW" "JUST HALF AS MUCH AS WE'VE ENJOYED DOING IT" "THEN WE'VE ENJOYED IT TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU." "HA-HA-HA." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( applause )" "( applause )" "( knocking )" "COME IN." "AH, FROG." "S. FROG." "SHUT UP." "I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, FROG." "S. FROG, SIR." "SHUT UP." "IT'S ABOUT YOUR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN" "FOR CONQUISTADOR COFFEE." "NOW, I'VE HAD THE MANAGING DIRECTOR" "OF CONQUISTADOR TO SEE ME THIS MORNING" "AND HE'S VERY UNHAPPY WITH YOUR CAMPAIGN." "VERY UNHAPPY." "IN FACT, HE SHOT HIMSELF." "BADLY, SIR?" "NO." "EXTREMELY WELL." "WELL, BEFORE HE WENT" "HE LEFT A NOTE WITH THE COMPANY SECRETARY." "THE EFFECT OF WHICH WAS HOW DISAPPOINTED HE WAS" "WITH YOUR WORK AND IN PARTICULAR" "WHY YOU WOULD CHANGE THE NAME" ""CONQUISTADOR INSTANT COFFEE" TO "CONQUISTADOR INSTANT LEPROSY."" "WHY, FROG?" "S. FROG, SIR." "SHUT UP." "WHY DID YOU DO IT?" "IT WAS A JOKE." "A JOKE?" "NO." "NO, NOT A JOKE." "A SALES CAMPAIGN." "I SEE, FROG." "S. FROG, SIR." "SHUT UP." "NOW, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE SALES CHART." "WHEN YOU TOOK OVER THIS ACCOUNT, FROG" "CONQUISTADOR WAS BRAND LEADER." "HERE YOU INTRODUCED YOUR FIRST CAMPAIGN" ""CONQUISTADOR COFFEE BRINGS A NEW MEANING" "TO THE WORD 'VOMIT'."" "HERE YOU MADE YOUR SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER" "OF A FREE DEAD DOG WITH EVERY JAR." "AND THIS FOLLOWED YOUR SECOND CAMPAIGN" ""THE TINGLING FRESH COFFEE" ""WHICH BRINGS YOU EXCITING NEW CHOLERA, MANGE, SAPPORTIA" ""DROPSY, THE CLAP, HARD PAD, AND ATHLETE'S HEAD" "FROM THE HOUSE OF CONQUISTADOR."" "IT WAS A SOFT SELL, SIR." "WHY, FROG?" "S. FROG, SIR." "SHUT UP." "WELL?" "WELL, PEOPLE KNOW THE NAME, SIR." "THEY CERTAINLY DO KNOW THE NAME." "THEY BURNED THE FACTORY DOWN." "THE OWNER IS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM." "( gunshot )" "THE OWNER WAS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM." "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIRE ME, SIR?" "FIRE YOU?" "THREE MEN DEAD, THE FACTORY BURNED DOWN" "THE ACCOUNT LOST" "AND OUR FIRM COMPLETELY BANKRUPT." "WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY?" "WHAT EXCUSE CAN YOU POSSIBLY MAKE!" "SORRY, FATHER." "AH, YES." "OH, INCIDENTALLY, YOUR FILM'S WON A PRIZE." "( pastoral musicplaying )" "( music skipping )" "SORRY ABOUT THAT." "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY" "DIFF COMPLETELY..." "DIFF COMPLETELY..." "DIFF COMPLETELY..." "DIFF COMPLETELY DIFFERENT." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS." "( music skipping )" "( music resumes ) ...and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with rude noise )" "John:" "1929." "STANLEY BALDWIN'S CONSERVA TIVE GOVERNMENT" "IS DEFEA TED" "AND RAMSA Y MacDONALD BECOMES" "FOR THE SECOND TIME" "PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND." "( clock ticking )" "( clears throat )" "WHEW." "MY, IT'S HOT IN HERE." "( knocking )" "( whistling nonchalantly )" "HELLO?" "COME IN." "AH, HELLO, HELLO." "HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT" "FOR THE BRIEFCASE?" "WELL, I..." "ALL RIGHT, THEN" "THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA" "A FIVER DOWN, MUST BE MY FINAL OFFER." "I DON'T REALLY WANT TO SELL THEM." "I'VE COME FOR A JOB." "OH, TAKE A SEAT." "TAKE A SEAT." "THANK YOU." "I SEE YOU CHOSE THE CANVAS CHAIR" "WITH THE ALUMINUM FRAME." "I'LL THROW THAT IN." "THAT AND THE FIVER FOR THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA." "NO, MAKE IT FAIR, THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA" "AND THE TWO PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKET" "AND THE CHAIR'S YOURS AND A FIVER" "AND A PAIR OF EX-GERMAN U-BOAT COMMANDER'S BINOCULARS." "REALLY, THEY'RE NOT FOR SALE." "NOT FOR SALE?" "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" "I CAME ABOUT THE ADVERTISEMENT" "FOR THE JOB OF ASSISTANT EDITOR." "OH, YEAH." "YEAH, RIGHT." "OH, OKAY." "UH, HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE IN JOURNALISM?" "FIVE YEARS." "RIGHT." "TYPING SPEED?" "50." ""O" LEVELS?" "EIGHT." ""A" LEVELS?" "TWO." "RIGHT." "WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU THE JOB..." "AND THE CHAIR AND AN ALL-WOOL, EX-ARMY SLEEPING BAG" "FOR THE BRIEFCASE, THE UMBRELLA" "THE PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKET" "AND YOUR STRING VEST." "WHEN DO I START?" "MONDAY." "MARVELOUS." "IF YOU THROW IN THE SHOES AS WELL." "HELLO, MISS JOHNSON" "COULD WE HAVE TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS, PLEASE?" "One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece." "TWO EX-ARMY GREATCOATS AND THE ALARM CLOCK" "AND A TABLE LAMP FOR TWO COFFEES AND BISCUITS." "TWO GREATCOATS AND TWO TABLE LAMPS." "TWO GREATCOATS, ONE TABLE LAMP, AND A DESERT BOOT." "FOR TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS?" "DONE." "DONE." "( humming and typing )" "Announcer:" "SO, MISSJOHNSON RETURNED TO HER TYPING" "AND DREAMED HER LITTLE DREAMY DREAMS" "UNA WAREAS SHE WAS OF THE CRUEL TRICK" "FA TE HAD IN STORE FOR HER." "FOR MISSJOHNSON WAS ABOUT TO FALL VICTIM" "OF THE DREADED, INTERNA TIONAL CHINESE COMMUNIST CONSPIRACY." "( high-pitchedjabbering )" "YES, THESE FANA TICAL FIENDS" "UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF THE SO-CALLED MAO TSE-TUNG" "HAD CAUGHTMISSJOHNSON OFF GUARD" "FOR ONE BRIEF, BUT FA TAL MOMENT..." "AND DESTROYED HER." "JUSTAS THEYARE READY TO DO ANY TIME FREE MEN ANYWHERE" "WA VER IN THEIR DEFENSE OF DEMOCRACY." "( gunshots )" "( "Stars and Stripes Forever" playing )" "YES, ONCE AGAIN, AMERICAN DEFENSE PROVES ITS EFFECTIVENESS" "AGAINST INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM." "USING THIS DIAGRAM OFA TOOTH TO REPRESENTANY SMALL COUNTRY" "WE CAN SEE HOW INTERNA TIONAL COMMUNISM WORKS" "BY ERODING AWA Y FROM THE INSIDE." "WHEN ONE COUNTRY OR TOOTH FALLS VICTIM" "TO INTERNA TIONAL COMMUNISM, ITS NEIGHBORS SOON FOLLOW." "IN DENTISTRY, THIS IS KNOWN AS THE "DOMINO THEORY. "" "BUT WITH AMERICAN DEFENSE" "THE DECAY IS STOPPED BEFORE IT STARTS." "AND THAT'S WHY NINE OUT OF TEN" "SMALL COUNTRIES CHOOSE AMERICAN DEFENSE." "Announcer:" "OR CRELM TOOTHPASTE" "WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT, FRAUDULIN." "THE WHITE CAR REPRESENTS CRELM TOOTHPASTE" "WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT." "THE NOT-WHITE CAR REPRESENTS" "ANOTHER TOOTHPASTE." "BOTH TOOTHPASTES PROVIDE 30% PROTECTION." "AT 60% PROTECTION" "BOTH TOOTHPASTES ARE DOING WELL." "AND NOW, AT 90% PROTECTION, THE..." "WAIT!" "THE NOT-WHITE CAR IS OUT." "AND CRELM TOOTHPASTE" "GOES ON TO WIN WITH 100% PROTECTION." "YES, DO LIKEALL SMARTMOTORISTS." "CHOOSE CRELM TOOTHPASTE OR SHRILL PETROL" "WITH THE NEW ADDITIVE, GLC-9424075." "AFTER 6:00 P.M., 9424047." "USING THIS WHITE CARD TO REPRESENT ENGINE DEPOSITS" "AND THIS BLACK CARD" "TO REPRESENT SHRILL'S NEW ADDITIVE" "GLC-9424075" "AFTER 6:00 P.M., 9424077" "WE CAN SEE HOW THE ENGINE DEPOSITS" "ARE PUSHED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH" "BY THE SUPERIOR FORCES AVAILABLE TO SHRILL... ( gunshot and grunt )" "ANYWAY, JOHN, YOU CAN CATCH THE 11:30 FROM HORNCHURCH" "AND BE AT BASINGSTOKE BY 1:00." "OH, AND THERE'S A BUFFET CAR AND..." "OH." "DADDY." "MY HAT!" "SIR HORACE." "HAS HE BEEN...?" "YES, AFTER BREAKFAST." "BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER NOW." "HE'S DEAD." "OH." "POOR DADDY." "LOOKS LIKE I SHAN'T BE CATCHING THE 11:30 NOW." "OH, NO, JOHN" "YOU MUSTN'T MISS YOUR TRAIN." "HOW COULD I THINK OF CATCHING A TRAIN" "WHEN I SHOULD BE HERE HELPING YOU?" "OH, JOHN, THANK YOU." "ANYWAY, YOU COULD ALWAYS CATCH THE 9:30 TOMORROW." "IT GOES VIA CATERHAM AND CHIPSTEAD." "OR THE 9:45'S EVEN BETTER." "OH, BUT YOU'D HAVE TO CHANGE AT LAMBS GREEN." "YES, BUT THERE'S ONLY A SEVEN-MINUTE WAIT NOW." "OH, YES, OF COURSE." "I'D FORGOTTEN IT WAS FRIDAY." "OH, WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS?" "OH, DO HURRY, SIR HORACE." "YOUR TRAIN LEAVES IN 28 MINUTES" "AND IF YOU DON'T MISS THE 10:15, YOU WON'T CATCH THE 3:45" "WHICH MEANS THE..." "OH." "I'M AFRAID SIR HORACE WON'T" "BE CATCHING THE 10:15, LADY PARTRIDGE." "HAS HE BEEN...?" "YES, AFTER BREAKFAST." "LADY PARTRIDGE" "I'M AFRAID YOU CAN CANCEL HIS SEAT RESERVATION." "OH, AND IT WAS BACK TO THE ENGINE, FOURTH COACH ALONG" "SO THAT HE COULD SEE" "THE GRADIENT SIGNS OUTSIDE SWANBOROUGH." "NOT ANY MORE, LADY PARTRIDGE." "THE LINE'S BEEN CLOSED." "CLOSED?" "NOT SWANBOROUGH." "I'M AFRAID SO." "ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE." "I'M INSPECTOR DAVIS OF SCOTLAND YARD." "MY WORD, YOU WERE HERE QUICKLY, INSPECTOR." "YEAH, I GOT THE 8:55 PULLMAN EXPRESS FROM KING'S CROSS" "AND MISSED THAT BIT AROUND HORNCHURCH." "IT'S A VERY GOOD TRAIN." "IT'S A VERY GOOD TRAIN." "OH, IT'S AN EXCELLENT TRAIN." "HELLO, EVERYONE." "HELLO, EVERYONE." "WHERE IS DADDY?" "OH, GOLLY." "HAS HE BEEN...?" "HAS HE BEEN...?" "THEN, HE..." "WON'T BE NEEDING" "HIS RESERVATION ON THE 10:15." "EXACTLY." "AND I SUPPOSE AS HIS ELDEST SON" "IT MUST GO TO ME." "JUST A MINUTE, TONY." "THERE'S A SMALL MATTER OF" " MURDER." "OH!" "OH, BUT SURELY HE SIMPLY SHOT HIMSELF AND THEN HID THE GUN." "HOW COULD ANYONE SHOOT HIMSELF AND THEN HIDE THE GUN" "WITHOUT FIRST CANCELING HIS RESERVATION?" "HA, HA." "WELL, I MUST DASH OR I'LL BE LATE FOR THE 10:15." "I SUGGEST YOU MURDERED YOUR FATHER" "FOR HIS SEAT RESERVATION." "I MAY HAVE HAD THE MOTIVE, INSPECTOR" "BUT I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT" "FOR I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED FROM GILLINGHAM ON THE 8:13" "AND HERE IS MY RESTAURANT CAR TICKET TO PROVE IT." "BUT THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM" "DOESN'T HAVE A RESTAURANT CAR." "IT'S A STANDING BUFFET ONLY." "OH, AH..." "DID I SAY THE 8:13?" "I MEANT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN." "BUT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN ARRIVED AT SWINDON AT 8:19" "OWING TO ANNUAL POINT MAINTENANCE" "AT WISBOROUGH JUNCTION." "SO HOW DID YOU MAKE THE CONNECTION" "WITH THE 8:13, WHICH LEFT SIX MINUTES EARLIER?" "OH, AH, SIMPLE." "I CAUGHT THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL" "ARRIVING AT SWINDON AT 8:09." "BUT THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL" "ONLY STOPS AT SWINDON ON ALTERNATE SATURDAYS." "YES, SURELY YOU MEAN THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL." "OH, YES!" "HOW DAFT OF ME." "OF COURSE, I CAME ON THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL" "CALLING AT BEDFORD, COLMWORTH, FEN DITTON, SUTTON" "WALLINGTON AND GILLINGHAM." "THAT'S SUNDAYS ONLY." "DAMN." "ALL RIGHT, I CONFESS." "I DID IT." "I KILLED HIM FOR HIS RESERVATION" "BUT YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE." "I'M GOING TO THROW MYSELF UNDER THE 10:12 FROM READING." "DON'T BE A FOOL, TONY!" "DON'T DO IT!" "THE 10:12 HAS THE NEW NARROW TRACTION BOGIES." "YOU WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE." "EXACTLY." "( dramatic chord )" "Announcer:" "THAT WASAN EXCERPT FROM THE LATEST WEST END HIT" "IT ALL HAPPENED ON THE 11:20 FROM HAINAULT TO REDHILL" "VIA HORSHAM AND REIGATE, CALLING AT CARSHALTON BEECHES" "MALMESBURY, TOOTING BEC AND CROYDON WEST." "THE AUTHOR IS MR. NEVILLE SHUNT." "CHUFF, CHUFF, CHUFF, WOOOOOCH, WOOOOOCH!" "DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM." "TOOT!" "TOOT!" "THE TRAIN IS NOW STANDING" "AT PLATFORM EIGHT, TCH, TCH, TCH." "DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, CHUFFFF CHUFFFFFFFF..." "EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA VOOOOOMMMMM!" "SOME PEOPLE HAVE MADE THE MISTAKE" "OF SEEING SHUNT'S WORK AS A LOAD OF RUBBISH" "ABOUT RAILWAY TIMETABLES" "BUT CLEVER PEOPLE LIKE ME" "WHO TALK LOUDLY IN RESTAURANTS" "SEE THIS AS A DELIBERATE AMBIGUITY" "A PLEA FOR UNDERSTANDING IN A MECHANIZED WORLD." "THE POINTS ARE FROZEN, THE BEAST IS DEAD." "WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?" "WHAT, INDEED, IS THE POINT?" "THE POINT IS FROZEN." "THE BEAST IS LATE OUT OF PADDINGTON." "THE POINT IS TAKEN." "IF LA FONTAINE'S ELK WOULD SPURN TOM JONES" "THE ENGINE MUST BE OUR HEAD, THE DINING CAR OUR ESOPHAGUS" "THE GUARD'S VAN OUR LEFT LUNG, THE CATTLE TRUCK OUR SHINS" "THE FIRST-CLASS COMPARTMENT" "THE PIECE OF SKIN AT THE NAPE OF THE NECK" "AND THE LEVEL CROSSING AN ELECTRIC ELK CALLED SIMON." "THE CLARITY IS DEVASTATING, BUT WHERE IS THE AMBIGUITY?" "IT'S OVER THERE IN A BOX." "SHUNT IS SAYING THE 8:15 FROM GILLINGHAM" "WHEN IN REALITY, HE MEANS THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM." "THE TRAIN IS THE SAME, ONLY THE TIME IS ALTERED." "ECCE HOMO, ERGO ELK." "LA FONTAINE KNEW HIS SISTER AND KNEW HER BLOODY WELL." "THE POINT IS TAKEN." "THE BEAST IS MOLTING." "THE FLUFF GETS UP YOUR NOSE." "THE ILLUSION IS COMPLETE." "IT IS REALITY, THE REALITY IS ILLUSION" "AND THE AMBIGUITY IS THE ONLY TRUTH" "BUT IS THE TRUTH, AS HITCHCOCK OBSERVES, IN THE BOX?" "NO, THERE ISN'T ROOM-- THE AMBIGUITY HAS PUT ON WEIGHT." "THE POINT IS TAKEN, THE ELK IS DEAD." "THE BEAST STOPS AT SWINDON, CHABROL STOPS AT NOTHING" "I'M HAVING TREATMENT, AND LA FONTAINE CAN GET KNOTTED." "GAVIN MILLAR..." "RRRRRRRRRRR." "...WAS NOT TALKING TO NEVILLE SHUNT." "FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER" "WE TURN TO THE WORLD OF DENTAL HYGIENE." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER WE TURN TO THE SILVER SCREEN." "WE HONOR ONE OF THE SILVER SCREEN'S" "OUTSTANDING WRITER-DENTISTS, UH, WRITER-DIRECTORS" "MARTIN CURRY, WHO IS VISITING LONDON" "TO HAVE A TOOTH OUT, FOR THE PRE-MOLAR, UH, PREMIERE" "OF HIS FILLING, FILM, NEXT TOOTHDAY, TUESDA Y" "AT THE DENTAL THEATRE, FILM THEATRE." "MARTIN CURRY, TALKING TO MATTHEW PALATE, PADGET." "MARTIN CURRY, WELCOME." "ONE OF THE BIG TEETH, UH, BIG POINTS" "THAT THE AMERICAN CRITICS MADE" "ABOUT YOUR LATEST FILM, THE TWEL VE CAESARS" "WAS THAT IT WAS ON SO ALL-EMBRACING A TOPIC." "WHAT MADE YOU UNDERTAKE SO ENORMOUS A TUSK?" "TASK?" "I'VE ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN IMPERIAL ROME" "RIGHT FROM JULIUS CAESAR" "RIGHT THROUGH TO VETHPATHIAN." "WHO?" "VETHPATHIAN." "OH." "VESPASIAN." "YES, YES." "WELL, WHEN I SAW YOUR FILM" "IT DID SEEM TO ME THAT YOU HAD TAKEN" "A RATHER, UM, SUBJECTIVE APPROACH TO IT." "I'M SORRY?" "WELL, I MEAN ALL YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS" "HAD THESE ENORMOUS, WELL, NOT ENORMOUS, BUT, UH..." "THESE, UM, VERY BIG, UM..." "WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT A CLIP" "IN WHICH JULIUS INCISOR, CAESAR" "TALKS TO HIS GENERALS DURING THE BATTLE AGAINST CARACTATUS." "I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL." "SHALL I ORDER THE CAVALRY" "THAT THEY MAY HIDE THEMSELVES IN THE WOOD, O CAESAR?" "THUS, O CAESAR!" "THUS, O CAESAR!" "TODAY IS ABOUT TO BE A TRIUMPH FOR OUR NATIVE COUNTRY." "WELL, MARTIN CURRY, WHY DO ALL YOUR CHARACTERS" "HAVE THESE VERY BIG, UM..." "VERY BIG, UH..." "TEETH?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "WELL, I MEAN, UH..." "EVEN" "IN YOUR BIBLICAL EPIC, THE SON OFMAN" "JOHN THE BAPTIST HAD THE MOST ENORMOUS..." "DENTAL APPENDAGES" "AND OF COURSE, UM..." "HIMSELF HAD THE MOST MONUMENTAL IVORIES." "WELL, I'M AFRAID I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL." "UM." "WELL, WHILE WE'RE WAITING..." "LOOK, COULD I HAVE A STRAW?" "OH, A STRAW." "YES, YES." "WELL, WHILE WE'RE DOING THAT, UH..." "PERHAPS WE COULD HAVE A LOOK" "AT AN EARLIER FILM, TRAFALGAR." "COVER MY COAT, MR. BUSH." "THE MEN MUST NOT KNOW OF THIS TILL VICTORY IS OURS." "THE SURGEON'S COMING, SIR." "NO, TELL THE SURGEON" "TO ATTEND THE MEN THAT CAN BE SAVED." "HE CAN DO LITTLE FOR ME, I FEAR." "AYE, AYE, SIR." "HARDY...!" "HARDY!" "SIR?" "HARDY..." "KISS..." "ER, PUT YOUR HAND ON MY THIGH." "HUH." "WELL, MARTIN CURRY, THANK YOU." "UH..." "WELL, WE ASKED THE FIRST-NIGHT AUDIENCE" "WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THAT FILM." "IT WASN'T TRUE TO LIFE." "YES, IT WAS." "NO, IT WASN'T." "I THOUGHT IT WAS TOTALLY BIZARRE." "WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR OVER 40 YEARS" "AND I THINK THE IMPORTANCE OF LOOKING AFTER POOR PEOPLE" "CANNOT BE UNDERSTRESSED." "WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 20 YEARS" "AND I MUST ADMIT, I'M LOST." "Well, I've been in the city all my Life and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been." "WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY SINCE I WAS TWO" "AND CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT..." "STUCK IN A RUT, STUCK IN A RUT." "STUCK IN A RUT, STUCK IN A RUT." "OH, DEAR" "MR. BULSTRODE'S STUCK AGAIN." "STUCK IN A RUT." "I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY" "THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT." "WELL, I HAVE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 30 YEARS" "AND I NEVER ONCE REGRETTED BEING A NASTY, GREEDY, COLD-HEARTED" "AVARICIOUS, MONEY-GRUBBER..." "CONSERVA TIVE." "WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY ABOUT 27 YEARS" "AND I'D LIKE TO SEE THE REINTRODUCTION OF FLOGGING." "EVERY THURSDAY, ROUND AT MY PLACE." "WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE SEA FOR 33 YEARS" "AND I'VE NEVER REGRETTED IT." "NEITHER HAVE I." "NEITHER HAVE I." "YES, QUITE SO." "I THINK IT MUST BE A NATURALIST OUTING." "NO, I THINK IT MUST BE" "ONE OF THEM CRACKPOT RELIGIONS." "THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE SORT OF ABUSE" "WE GET ALL THE TIME FROM IGNORANT PEOPLE." "I INHERITED THIS RELIGION FROM MY FATHER" "AN EX-USED CAR SALESMAN AND PART-TIME WINDOW BOX" "AND I AM VERY PROUD TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE FIRST RELIGION" "WITH FREE GIFTS." "YOU GET THIS LUXURY TEA TROLLEY WITH EVERY NEW ENROLLMENT." "IN ADDITION TO THIS, YOU CAN WIN" "A THREE-PIECE LOUNGE SUITE" "THIS LUXURY CARAVAN" "A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH PETER BONETTI" "AND TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE:" "THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL." "( organ fanfare )" "AND REMEMBER, WITH ONLY EIGHT SCORING DRAWS" "YOU CAN WIN A BISHOPRIC IN A SEE OF YOUR OWN CHOICE." "YOU SEE, WE HAVE A MUCH MORE MODERN APPROACH TO RELIGION." "( rattling )" "BLESSED IS ARTHUR CRACKPOT AND ALL ITS SUBSIDIARIES, LIMITED." "YOU SEE, IN OUR CHURCH, WE HAVE A LOT MORE FUN." "OH, MRS. COLLINS" "YOU DID SAY YOU WERE NERVOUS, DIDN'T YOU?" "YOU HAVE EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE?" "I DON'T MIND, I DON'T MIND." "IT'S JUST NICE TO BE HERE, REVEREND." "ARCHDEACON." "WELL, YOU HAVE EYES FOR THE COFFEE MACHINE" "SO LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE WON." "YOU CHOSE HYMN 437." "OH, MRS. COLLINS." "YOU HAD EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE." "WELL, YOU HAVE WON TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE:" "THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL!" "( canned applause )" "I'VE GOT ONE ALREADY." "A LOT OF RELIGIONS-- NO NAMES, NO PACK DRILL" "DO GO FOR THE POORER TYPE OF PERSON." "FACE IT:" "THERE'S MORE OF THEM-- POOR PEOPLE, THIEVES, VILLAINS" "POOR PEOPLE WITHOUT NO MONEY AT ALL." "WELL, WE DON'T HAVE NONE OF THAT TAT." "RICH PEOPLE AND CRUMPET OVER 16 CAN ENTER FREE" "UPPER MIDDLE CLASS:" "QUITE WELCOME" "LOWER MIDDLE CLASS:" "NOT UNDER FIVE GRAND A YEAR" "LOWER CLASS:" "I CAN'T TOUCH IT." "THERE'S NO RETURN ON IT, YOU SEE." "DO YOU HAVE ANY DIFFICULTY CONVERTING PEOPLE?" "UH, NO." "WELL, WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING THEM JOIN." "NORMAN, THERE, DOES A LOT OF CONVERTING" "A LOT OF PROTECTION, THAT SORT OF THING." "AND THERE'S HIS MATE, BRUCE BEER." "BRUCY HAS PERSONALLY CONVERTED 92 PEOPLE 25 INSIDE THE DISTANCE." "THEN AGAIN, WE'RE NOT AFRAID TO USE MORE MODERN METHODS." "SARAH, TODAY'S DIOCESAN LOVELY" "IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ANY CHAP GO DOWN ON HIS KNEES." "THIS 23-YEAR-OLD BISHOP HAILS, APPROPRIATELY ENOUGH" "FROM BISHOP'S STORTFORD" "AND LISTS HER HOBBIES AS SWIMMING, RIDING" "AND FILM PRODUCERS." "WHAT A GAS!" "BET SHE'S NO NOVICE" "WHEN IT COMES TO CONVERTING ALL IN HER SEE." "( rasping ):" "BASICALLY..." "I BELIEVE..." "IN PEACE" "AND BASHING TWO BRICKS TOGETHER." "I'M STARTING A WAR FOR PEACE." "( phlegmatic coughing )" "COR BLIMEY!" "I'M RAISING POLECATS FOR PEACE." "PEACE?" "I LIKE A PEACE." "KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "SAY NO MORE." "NUDGE, NUDGE." "OUR RELIGION IS THE FIRST CHURCH" "TO CATER FOR THE NAUGHTY TYPE OF PERSON." "IF YOU'D LIKE A BIT OF LOVE-YOUR-NEIGHBOR" "AND WHO DOESN'T NOW AND AGAIN" "THEN SEE VERA AND CICELEY DURING THE HYMNS." "IN OUR CHURCH, WE TRY TO HELP PEOPLE TO HELP THEMSELVES" "TO CARS, WASHING MACHINES, LEAD PIPING" "NO QUESTIONS ASKED." "WE'RE THE ONLY CHURCH, APART FROM THE BAPTISTS" "TO DO RE-SPRAY JOBS." "WE IN THE CHURCH OF THE DIVINE LOONY" "BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER TO TURN THE HEAD PURPLE." "( hysterical laughter )" "I WOULD LIKE TO COME IN HERE FOR A MOMENT, IF I MAY" "AND DISASSOCIATE OUR CHURCH" "FROM THESE FRIVOLOUS AND OFFENSIVE RELIGIONS." "WE ARE PRIMARILY CONCERNED WITH WHAT IS BEST... ( phone ringing )" "HELLO?" "OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT ALLIED BREWERIES?" "ALL RIGHT, BUT KEEP THE RIO TINTO." "...FOR THE HUMAN SOUL." "IN OUR CHURCH, WE BELIEVE, FIRST AND FOREMOST, IN YOU." "( grumbling )" "WE WANT YOU TO THINK OF US AS YOUR FRIEND." "( grumbling )" "IN THIS PICTURE, THERE ARE 40 PEOPLE." "NONE OF THEM CAN BE SEEN." "IN THIS FILM, WE HOPE TO SHOW YOU HOW NOT TO BE SEEN." "THIS IS MR. E.R. BRADSHAW OF NAPIER COURT" "BLACK LION ROAD, SE5." "HE CANNOT BE SEEN." "NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK HIM TO STAND UP." "MR. BRADSHAW, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE?" "( gunshot )" "THIS DEMONSTRATES THE VALUE OF NOT BEING SEEN." "IN THIS PICTURE, WE CANNOT SEE" "MRS. B.J. SMEGMA OF 13, THE CRESCENT, BELMONT." "MRS. SMEGMA, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE?" "( gunshot )" "THIS IS MR. NESBITT OF HARLOW, NEW TOWN." "MR. NESBITT, WOULD YOU STAND UP, PLEASE?" "MR. NESBITT HAS LEARNT THE FIRST LESSON OF NOT BEING SEEN" "NOT TO STAND UP." "HOWEVER, HE HAS CHOSEN A VERY OBVIOUS PIECE OF COVER." "MR. E.V. LAMBERT OF HOMELEIGH, THE BURROWS, OSWESTRY" "HAS PRESENTED US WITH A POSER." "WE DO NOT KNOW WHICH BUSH HE IS BEHIND" "BUT WE CAN SOON FIND OUT." "( muffled scream )" "YES, IT WAS THE MIDDLE ONE." "MR. KEN ANDREWS OF LEIGHTON ROAD, SLOUGH" "HAS CONCEALED HIMSELF EXTREMELY WELL." "HE COULD BE ALMOST ANYWHERE." "HE COULD BE BEHIND THE WALL, INSIDE THE WATER BARREL" "BENEATH A PILE OF LEAVES, UP IN THE TREE" "SQUATTING DOWN BEHIND THE CAR, CONCEALED IN A HOLLOW" "OR CROUCHED BEHIND ANY ONE OF A HUNDRED BUSHES." "HOWEVER, WE HAPPEN TO KNOW HE'S IN THE WATER BARREL." "MR. AND MRS. WATSON OF IVY COTTAGE, WORPLESDON ROAD, HULL" "CHOSE A VERY CUNNING WAY OF NOT BEING SEEN." "WHEN WE CALLED AT THEIR HOUSE" "WE FOUND THEY HAD GONE AWAY ON TWO WEEKS' HOLIDAY." "THEY HAD NOT LEFT ANY FORWARDING ADDRESS" "AND THEY HAD BOLTED AND BARRED THE HOUSE" "TO PREVENT US GETTING IN." "HOWEVER, A NEIGHBOR TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE." "( people screaming )" "AND HERE IS THE NEIGHBOR WHO TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE." "( grunts )" "NOBODY LIKES A CLEVER DICK." "AND THIS IS WHERE HE LIVED." "AND THIS IS WHERE LORD LANGDON LIVED" "WHO REFUSED TO SPEAK TO US..." "AND SO DID THE GENTLEMAN" "WHO LIVED HERE..." "AND HERE..." "AND, OF COURSE, HERE" "AND MANCHESTER" "AND THE WEST MIDLANDS" "SPAIN..." "CHINA... ( mad laughter )" "( laughter continues )" "AH." "WELL, I'M AFRAID WE HAVE TO STOP THE FILM THERE" "AS SOME OF THE SCENES WHICH FOLLOWED" "WERE OF A VIOLENT NATURE" "WHICH MIGHT PROVE DISTRESSING TO SOME OF OUR VIEWERS" "THOUGH NOT TO ME, I CAN TELL YOU." "( clears throat )" "IN NOVA SCOTIA TODAY" "MR. ROY BENT OF NORTH WALSHAM IN NORFOLK" "BECAME THE FIRST MAN TO CROSS THE ATLANTIC ON A TRICYCLE." "HIS TRICYCLE, SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR THE CROSSING" "WAS 90-FOOT LONG WITH A PROTECTIVE STEEL HULL" "THREE FUNNELS, 17 FIRST-CLASS CABINS" "AND A RADAR SCANNER." "MR. BENT IS IN OUR DURHAM STUDIOS" "WHICH IS RATHER UNFORTUNATE" "AS WE'RE ALL DOWN HERE IN LONDON." "AND IN LONDON..." "IN LONDON, I HAVE WITH ME MR. LUDOVIC GRAYSON" "THE MAN WHO SCORED ALL SIX GOALS IN ARSENAL'S 1-NIL VICTORY" "OVER THE TURKISH CHAMPIONS FC BOTTY." "LUDOVIC, FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE VICTORY." "THANK YOU, DAVID." "IT SHOULD SEND YOU BACK TO BOTTY" "WITH A BIG LEAD." "OH, YES." "WELL, WE'RE FAIRLY CONFIDENT, DAVID." "WELL, AT THE MOMENT, LUDOVIC" "YOU'RE CROUCHING DOWN INSIDE A FILING CABINET." "YES, THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID." "I'M TRYING NOT TO BE SEEN." "I SEE." "IS THIS THROUGH FEAR?" "OH, NO, NO." "IT'S COMMON SENSE, REALLY." "IF THEY CAN'T SEE YOU, THEY CAN'T GET YOU." "HA, HA, HA, BUT, OF COURSE, THEY CAN STILL HEAR YOU." "HUH?" "( explosion )" "( screams )" "( clattering )" "LUDOVIC GRAYSON, THANK YOU VERY MUCH" "FOR COMING ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT." "AND WE END THE SHOW WITH MUSIC" "AND HERE WITH THEIR VERY LATEST RECORDING:" ""YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I'VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY"" "JACKIE CHARLTON AND THE TONETTES." "( bass and drum riff intro )" "YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY" "AND I FEEL LIKE A-LOVIN' YOU" "LOVE, YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET THING" "GOOD-ENOUGH-TO-EAT THING" "AND THAT'S JUST WHAT I'M GONNA DO" "OOH, LOVE, TO HOLD YA" "OOH, LOVE, TO KISS YA" "OOH, LOVE, I LOVE IT SO..." "OOH, LOVE, YOU'RE SWEETER" "SWEETER THAN SUGAR" "OOH, LOVE, I WON'T LET YOU GO... ( instrumental break )" "YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY" "AND AS SILLY AS THAT MAY SEEM" "THE LOVIN' THAT YOU'RE GIVIN' IS WHAT KEEPS ME LIVIN'" "AND YOUR LOVE IS LIKE PEACHES AND CREAM" "KINDA LIKE SUGAR" "KINDA LIKE SPICES" "KINDA LIKE I LOVE WHAT YOU DO..." "KINDA SOUNDS FUNNY" "BUT YOUR LOVE, HONEY" "HONEY, I LOVE YOU..." "BAA, BAA-DA-DA-DA... ( laughter )" "YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY..." "FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MA Y HA VEJUSTMISSED" "MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS" "HERE IT ISAGAIN." "THE LOVIN' THAT YOU'RE GIVIN' IS WHAT KEEPS ME LIVIN'" "AND LOVE IS LIKE PEACHES AND CREAM" "KINDA LIKE SUGAR..." "KINDA LIKE SUGAR... and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "COME ON." "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT..." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with raspberry )" "THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE CHANGE" "MR. TOBACCONIST." "WAS THAT ALL RIGHT?" "WAS THAT ALL RIGHT?" "( dramatic musicplaying )" "UH..." "HAH... ( with Hungarian accent ):" "I WILL NOT BUY THIS RECORD." "IT IS SCRATCHED." "SORRY?" "I WILL NOT BUY THIS RECORD." "IT IS SCRATCHED." "NO, NO, NO." "THIS..." "TOBACCONIST'S." "AH!" "I WILL NOT BUY THIS TOBACCONIST'S." "IT IS SCRATCHED." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "TOBACCO." "UM..." "CIGARETTES." "YAH." "YEAH?" "YAH." "CIGARETTES." "YAH." "UH..." "UH..." "YAH." "MY HOVERCRAFT IS FULL OF EELS." "MY HOVERCRAFT..." "IS FULL OF EELS." "MATCHES." "MATCHES." "YAH, YAH, YAH, YAH, YAH." "DO YOU WANT..." "DO YOU WANT..." "TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE..." "BOUNCY BOUNCY?" "I DON'T THINK YOU'RE USING THAT RIGHT." "YOU GREAT POOF." "UM..." "THAT'LL BE SIX AND SIX, PLEASE." "IF I SAID YOU HAD A BEAUTIFUL BODY" "WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST ME?" "I-I AM NO LONGER INFECTED." "UM..." "MAY I?" "MAY I?" "YAH, YAH, YAH." "IT COSTS SIX AND SIX..." "COSTS SIX AND..." "AH!" "HERE WE ARE." "UM..." "YANDEL VA YASNA GRLDENWI" "STRA VENKA." "( yells )" "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, THEN?" "AH!" "YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL THIGHS." "WHAT?" "HE HIT ME." "DROP YOUR PANTIES, SIR WILLIAM." "I CANNOT WAIT TILL LUNCHTIME." "RIGHT!" "MY NIPPLES" "EXPLODE WITH DELIGHT." "CALL ALEXANDER YAHLT." "CALL ALEXANDER YAHLT." "Man 2:" "CALL ALEXANDER YAHLT" "Chorus:" "CALL ALEXANDER YAHLT." "OH, SHUT UP!" "YOU ARE ALEXANDER YAHLT?" "OH, I AM." "SKIP THE IMPERSONATIONS." "YOU ARE ALEXANDER YAHLT?" "I AM." "YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED" "THAT ON THE 28th DAY OF MAY, 1970" "YOU DID WILLFULLY, UNLAWFULLY, AND WITH MALICE AFORETHOUGHT" "PUBLISH AN ALLEGED ENGLISH/HUNGARIAN PHRASE BOOK" "WITH INTENT" "TO CAUSE A BREACH OF THE PEACE." "HOW DO YOU PLEAD?" "NOT GUILTY." "YOU LIVE AT 46 HORTON TERRACE?" "I DO LIVE AT 46 HORTON TERRACE." "YOU ARE THE DIRECTOR OF A PUBLISHING COMPANY?" "I AM THE DIRECTOR OF A PUBLISHING COMPANY." "YOUR COMPANY PUBLISHES PHRASE BOOKS?" "MY COMPANY DOES PUBLISH PHRASE BOOKS." "YOU DID SAY 46 HORTON TERRACE, DID YOU?" "YES." "HAH!" "GOT HIM!" "Magistrate:" "GET ON WITH IT." "GET ON WITH IT." "YES, M'LORD." "ON THE 28th DAY OF MAY" "YOU PUBLISHED THIS PHRASE BOOK." "I DID." "I QUOTE AN EXAMPLE." "THE HUNGARIAN PHRASE MEANING" ""CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE STATION"" "IS TRANSLATED BY THE ENGLISH PHRASE" ""PLEASE FONDLE MY BUM."" "I WISH TO PLEAD INCOMPETENCE." "PLEASE, MAY I ASK FOR AN ADJOURNMENT, M'LORD?" "ADJOURNMENT?" "CERTAINLY NOT." "( loud fart )" "( fart continuing )" "WHY ON EARTH DIDN'T YOU SAY WHY YOU WANTED AN ADJOURNMENT?" "I DIDN'T KNOW AN ACCEPTABLE LEGAL PHRASE, M'LORD." "IF THERE'S ANY MORE STOCK FILM OF WOMEN APPLAUDING" "I SHALL CLEAR THE COURT." "CALL ABIGAIL TESLER." "M'LORD, THIS IS ABIGAIL TESLER." "IS IT?" "YES, M'LORD." "23-YEAR-OLD ABIGAIL HAILS FROM DOWN UNDER" "WHERE THEY'RE UPSIDE DOWN ABOUT HER." "THOSE AUSSIES CERTAINLY KNOW A THING OR TWO" "WHEN IT COMES TO BEACH BELLES." "BET SOME LIFESAVER WOULDN'T MIND GIVING HER THE KISS OF LIFE." "SO WATCH OUT FOR THE SHARKS, ABIGAIL." "Journalist "IS THIS STRICTLY RELEVANT?"" "QUIZZED LEARNED LOVEL Y, JUSTICE MALTRA VERS." "78-YEAR-OLDJUSTICE HAILS FROM ESHER" "AND HE'S BEEN MAKING A BIG NAME FOR HIMSELF" "AT THE RECENTASSIZES AT EXETER." "AT THE RECENTASSIZES AT EXETER." "QUIPPED TALL, 42-YEAR-OLD NELSON BEDOWES, CUTIE Q.C." "NELSON'S KEEN ON NEGLIGENCE" "AND GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM AT GRA Y'S INN." "AND WITH CASES LIKE HE'S WON" "WE BET GRA Y'S IN WHEN NELSON'SAROUND." "journalist:" ""WELL, GET ON WITH IT"" "ADMITTED 78-YEAR-OLD GENIAL JURISPRUDE MALTRA VERS" "SEEN HEREAT LONDON AIRPORT ON HIS WA Y TO JUDGE FOR BRITAIN" "AT THE FAMOUS INTERNA TIONAL COURTAT THE HAGUE." "AT THE FAMOUS INTERNA TIONAL COURTAT THE HAGUE." "( protesters grumbling )" "( glasses shattering )" "( shouting )" "( screaming )" "( Also Sprach Zarathustra playing )" "( crowd cheering )" "GOOD EVENING." "TONIGHT IS INDEED A UNIQUE OCCASION" "IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION." "WE ARE VERY PRIVILEGED AND DEEPLY HONORED" "TO HAVE WITH US IN THE STUDIO KARL MARX" "FOUNDER OF MODERN SOCIALISM" "AND AUTHOR OF THE COMMUNISTMANIFESTO." "VLADIMIR ILICH ULYANOV" "BETTER KNOWN TO THE WORLD AS LENIN" "LEADER OF THE RUSSIAN REVOLUTION, WRITER, STATESMAN" "AND FATHER OF MODERN COMMUNISM." "CHE GUEVARA" "THE CUBAN GUERRILLA LEADER" "AND MAO TSE TUNG" "LEADER OF THE CHINESE COMMUNIST PARTY SINCE 1949." "AND THE FIRST QUESTION IS FOR YOU, KARL MARX." ""THE HAMMERS."" ""'THE HAMMERS' IS THE NICKNAME OF WHAT ENGLISH FOOTBALL TEAM?"" "THE HAMMERS?" "NO?" "WELL, BAD LUCK THERE, KARL." "SO WE GO ON TO YOU, CHE." "CHE GUEVARA." ""COVENTRY CITY LAST WON THE F.A. CUP IN WHAT YEAR?"" "NO?" "I'LL THROW IT OPEN." ""COVENTRY CITY LAST WON THE F.A. CUP IN WHAT YEAR?"" "NO?" "WELL, I'M NOT SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T GET THAT." "IT WAS IN FACT A TRICK QUESTION." "COVENTRY CITY HAVE NEVER WON THE F.A. CUP." "SO, WITH THE SCORES ALL EQUAL NOW" "WE GO ON TO OUR SECOND ROUND" "AND, LENIN, IT'S YOUR STARTER FOR TEN." ""TEDDY JOHNSON AND PEARL CARR" ""WON THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST IN 1959." "WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE SONG?"" "TEDDY JOHNSON AND PEARL CARR'S SONG" "IN THE 1959 SONG CONTEST?" "ANYBODY?" "NO?" "( buzzer )" "YES, MAO TSE-TUNG." ""SING LITTLE BIRDIE"?" "YES, IT WAS INDEED." "WELL CHALLENGED." "( audience applauds )" "WELL, NOW WE COME ON TO OUR SPECIAL GIFT SECTION." "THE CONTESTANT IS KARL MARX" "AND THE PRIZE THIS WEEK IS A BEAUTIFUL LOUNGE SUITE." "( audience oohing )" "NOW, KARL HAS ELECTED TO ANSWER QUESTIONS" "ON THE WORKERS' CONTROL OF FACTORIES" "SO HERE WE GO WITH QUESTION NUMBER ONE." "YOU NERVOUS?" ""THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE INDUSTRIAL PROLETARIAT" "IS CONDITIONED BY WHAT OTHER DEVELOPMENT?"" "THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE INDUSTRIAL BOURGEOISIE." "YES." "YES." "YES, INDEED." "( audience applauds )" "YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR LOUNGE SUITE, KARL." "QUESTION NUMBER TWO:" ""THE STRUGGLE OF CLASS AGAINST CLASS" "IS A WHAT STRUGGLE?"" ""A WHAT STRUGGLE?"" "A POLITICAL STRUGGLE." "YES." "YES." "( audience applauds )" "ONE FINAL QUESTION, KARL" "AND THE BEAUTIFUL LOUNGE SUITE WILL BE YOURS." "YOU GOING TO HAVE A GO?" "YOU'RE A BRAVE MAN." "KARL MARX, YOUR FINAL QUESTION:" ""WHO WON THE CUP FINAL IN 1949?"" "UH..." "THE WORKERS CONTROL THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION." "THE STRUGGLE OF THE URBAN PROLETARIAT." "NO." "IT WAS IN FACT WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS" "WHO BEAT LEICESTER 3-1." "( cheering )" "AH." "THANK YOU." "JUST THE WORD I WAS LOOKING FOR." ""I WONDER," SAID LA FARGE" ""JUST HOW MUCH MOLINEUX."" "HEY!" "THAT'S THE BAD JOKES." "AND NOW A BIT OF FUN." "( popping noise )" "( gasps )" "( harmonica playing mournfully )" "( bombs exploding in distance )" "JENKINS?" "YES, SARGE?" "WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOU GET BACK TO BLIGHTY?" "I DON'T KNOW, SARGE." "I 'SPECT I'LL BE LOOKING AFTER ME MUM." "SHE'LL BE GETTING ON A BIT NOW." "GOT FAMILY OF YOUR OWN, HAVE YOU?" "NO, SHE'S..." "SHE'S ALL I GOT LEFT NOW." "MY WIFE DOREEN, SHE..." "I GOT A LETTER." "YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME, SON." "NO, SARGE, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU." "SEE..." "THIS PLACE..." "HOLD IT!" "HOLD IT!" "LOOK, LOVES, CAN ANYONE NOT INVOLVED IN THIS SCENE" "PLEASE LEAVE THE SET?" "NOW, COME ON." "PLEASE." "ANYONE NOT CONCERNED IN THIS SCENE." "THE CANTEEN'S OPEN UPSTAIRS." "NOW, COME ON, PLEASE." "SORRY, LOVES, SORRY." "WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT AGAIN FROM THE TOP, ALL RIGHT?" "OKAY." "CUE!" "HOLD IT!" "HOLD IT!" "NOW, WHO CHANGED THE CAPTION?" "CAN WHOEVER CHANGED THE CAPTION" "PUT THE RIGHT ONE BACK IMMEDIATELY, PLEASE?" "RIGHT." "ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TAKE IT AGAIN FROM THE TOP." "CUE." "HOLD IT!" "HOLD IT!" "COME ON, COME ON, OUT OF THERE!" "YOU'RE NOT IN THIS." "YOU'RE JUST HOLDING THE WHOLE THING UP." "COME ON, PLEASE." "IT'S NO GOOD, LOVES, IT'S NO GOOD." "WE'LL HAVE TO LEAVE IT FOR NOW." "COME BACK WHEN EVERYONE'S SETTLED DOWN A BIT." "SO THAT MEANS WE GO OVER TO THE ART ROOM, ALL RIGHT?" "SO, CUE CAMERA THREE." "SORRY!" "CAMERA FOUR." "AREN'T THEY MARVELOUS?" "YES, YES." "THE STRENGTH AND BOLDNESS..." "LIFE AND POWER IN THOSE COLORS." "THIS MUST BE TITIAN'S MASTERPIECE." "OH, INDEED, IF ONLY FOR THE COMPOSITION ALONE." "THE STRENGTH OF THOSE FOREGROUND FIGURES" "THE FIRMNESS OF THE LINE." "YES, THE CONFIDENCE OF A MASTER AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS POWERS." "( whistling )" "( doorbell rings )" "( footsteps pounding down stairs )" "YES?" "HELLO, SONNY." "YOUR DAD IN?" "YES." "COULD I SPEAK TO HIM, PLEASE?" "IT'S THE MAN FROM "THE HAY-WAIN."" "WHO?" "THE MAN FROM "THE HAY-WAIN" BY CONSTABLE." "DAD!" "IT'S THE MAN FROM "THE HAY-WAIN"" "BY CONSTABLE TO SEE YOU." "BY CONSTABLE TO SEE YOU." "( firm footfalls down stairs )" "HELLO." "HOW ARE YOU?" "COME ON IN." "OH, NO, NO." "CAN'T STOP." "JUST PASSING BY, ACTUALLY." "OH." "WHERE ARE YOU NOW?" "WELL MAY YOU ASK." "WE'VE JUST BEEN MOVED IN NEXT TO A ROOMFUL OF BRUEGELS." "TERRIBLE BLOODY DIN-- SKATING ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT." "ANYWAY, I'VE JUST DROPPED IN TO TELL YOU" "THERE'S BEEN A WALKOUT IN THE IMPRESSIONISTS." "WALKOUT, EH?" "YEAH." "IT STARTED WITH THE DEJEUNER SUR L'HERBE LOT." "EVIDENTLY, THEY WERE MOVED AWAY" "FROM ABOVE THE RADIATOR OR SOMETHING." "ANYWAY, THE IMPRESSIONISTS ARE ALL OUT." "GAINSBOROUGH'S BLUE BOY'S BROUGHT OUT THE 18th-CENTURY ENGLISH PORTRAITS" "THE FLEMISH SCHOOL'S SOLID, AND THE GERMAN WOODCUTS ARE AT A MEETING NOW." "RIGHT." "WELL, I'LL GET THE RENAISSANCE SCHOOL OUT." "OKAY." "MEETING 4:30-- "BRIDGE AT ARLES."" "OKAY." "CHEERIO." "GOOD LUCK, SON." "GOOD LUCK." "RIGHT." "EVERYBODY OUT!" "I'M OFF." "I'M OFF." "I'M OFF." "( gunshot )" "( deep voice ):" "I'M OFF." "I'M OFF, DEAR." "I'M OFF." "( feminine voice ):" "I'M OFF, TOO." "I'M OFF." "Here is the news." "By an almost unanimous vote paintings in the National Gallery" "voted to continue the strike that has emptied frames for the Last week." "The man from Constable's "The Hay-Wain"" "said Last night that there was no chance of a return to the pictures before the weekend." "Sir Kenneth Clarke has said he will talk to any painting if it can help bring a speedy end to the strike." "( woman screams, sawing stops )" "At Sotheby's, prices dropped dramatically as Leading figures Left their paintings." "WHAT AM I BID FOR VERMEER'S" ""LADY WHO USED TO BE AT A WINDOW"?" "DO I HEAR TWO BOB?" "DO I HEAR TWO BOB?" "GONE." "( pounds gavel )" "NOW WHAT AM I BID FOR ANOTHER GREAT BARGAIN" "EDWIN LANDSEER'S "NOTHING AT BAY"?" "ALL WE BLOODY WANT" "IS A LITTLE BIT OF BLOODY CONSULTATION." "Newsman:" "ATA MASS MEETING AT BRENTFORD FOOTBALL GROUND" "OTHER WORKS OFART VOTED TO COME OUT" "IN SUPPORT OF THE PAINTINGS." "THE VOTE WAS UNANIMOUS..." "WITH ONEABSTENTION." "meanwhile at Television Center work began again on a sketch about Ypres." "A spokesman for the sketch said he fully expected it to be more sensible this time." "( playing mournful tune )" "( bombs exploding )" "JENKINS?" "YES, SARGE?" "WHAT YOU GONNA DO" "WHEN YOU GET BACK TO BLIGHTY?" "I DON'T KNOW, SARGE." "I 'SPECT I'LL LOOK AFTER ME MUM." "SHE'LL BE GETTING ON A BIT NOW." "GOT A FAMILY OF YOUR OWN, HAVE YOU?" "NO." "SHE-SHE'S ALL I GOT LEFT NOW." "MY WIFE DOREEN, SHE..." "I GOT A LETTER." "YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME, SON." "NO, SARGE, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU." "YOU SEE, THIS BLOKE FROM UP THE STREET..." "OKAY, CHAPS." "AT EASE." "I'VE JUST BEEN UP THE LINE." "CAN WE GET THROUGH, SIR?" "NO." "I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE TO MAKE" "A BREAK FOR IT AT NIGHTFALL." "RIGHT, SIR." "WE'RE ALL WITH YOU." "YES, I KNOW." "THAT'S JUST THE PROBLEM, SERGEANT." "HOW MANY ARE THERE OF US?" "WELL, SIR, THERE'S YOU, ME, JENKINS" "PADRE, KIPPER-- THERE'S FIVE, SIR." "AND ONLY RATIONS FOR..." "FOUR, SIR." "PRECISELY." "I'M AFRAID ONE OF US" "WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE OTHER WAY OUT." "( jarring chord )" "( dramatic drumbeats )" "I'M A GONER, MAJOR." "LEAVE ME." "I'M..." "I'M NOT A COMPLETE MAN ANYMORE." "YOU'VE LOST BOTH YOUR ARMS AS WELL." "YES." "DAMN SILLY, REALLY." "NO, NO, WE'LL DRAW FOR IT." "THAT'S THE WAY WE DO THINGS IN THE ARMY." "SERGEANT, THE STRAWS." "RIGHTO." "ALL RIGHT." "NOW, THE MAN WHO GETS THE SHORTEST STRAW" "KNOWS WHAT TO DO." "LOOKS LIKE" "YOU, SIR." "IS IT?" "OH, WHAT DID WE SAY" ""THE LONGEST STRAW," WAS IT?" "NO." "SHORTEST, SIR." "WELL, WE BETTER DO IT AGAIN." "THERE'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN A BIT OF A MUDDLE." "THERE WE GO." "BEST OF THREE?" "RIGHT." "WELL, I GOT THE SHORTEST STRAW, SO..." "I DECIDE WHAT MEANS WE USE TO DECIDE WHO'S GOING TO DO..." "TO-TO-TO, UH, TO, UH, TO DO THE THING..." "TO DO THE RIGHT THING." "NOW, RANK DOESN'T ENTER INTO THIS." "BUT OBVIOUSLY, IF I SHOULD GET THROUGH THE LINES" "I'LL BE IN A VERY GOOD POSITION TO RECOMMEND ANYONE VERY HIGHLY" "FOR A POSTHUMOUS V.C." "NO?" "GOOD, FINE." "FINE, FINE, FINE, FINE." "( clears throat ):" "RIGHT." "( chanting ):" "DIP, DIP, DIP, MY LITTLE SHIP" "SAILS ON THE OCEAN, YOU ARE..." "NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE." "UM..." "I-I-I MUST HAVE MISSED OUT A DIP." "WE'LL START AGAIN." "DIP, DIP, DIP, DIP, MY LITTLE SHIP" "SAILS ON THE OCEAN, YOU ARE..." "NO, THIS IS NOT WORKING OUT." "IT-IT'S NOT WORKING OUT." "UH, WHAT-WHAT SHALL WE DO?" "HOW ABOUT ONE POTA TO, TWO POTA TO, SIR?" "DON'T BE CHILDISH, JENKINS." "NO, UM, I THINK- I THINK FISTIES" "WOULD BE BEST." "OKAY?" "SO, UH, HANDS BEHIND BACKS." "AFTER "THREE," OKAY?" "ONE, TWO, THREE!" "NOW, WHAT'S THIS?" "UH, STONE, STONE, STONE AND SCISSORS." "NOW, UH, SCISSORS CUT EVERYTHING, DON'T THEY?" "NOT STONES, SIR." "THEY'RE VERY GOOD SCISSORS." "AND PADRE HASN'T BEEN!" "( clears throat ):" "NO ARMS, SIR." "OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY." "I-I-I-I'M AFRAID I DIDN'T, UM..." "TELL YOU WHAT-- ALL THOSE PEOPLE" "WHO DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE" "AND SHOOT THEMSELVES." "RAISE THEIR ARMS." "STOP IT!" "STOP IT!" "STOP THIS..." "THIS HIDEOUS FACADE." "E..." "EASY, PADRE." "NO, NO, I MUST SPEAK." "WHEN I..." "WHEN I CAME" "TO THIS WAR, I HAD TWO ARMS-- TWO GOOD ARMS" "BUT WHEN THE TIME CAME TO..." "TO LOSE ONE, I..." "I GAVE IT" " I GAVE IT GLADLY." "( "There'll Always Be An England"playing )" "I SMILED AS THEY CUT IT OFF" "BECAUSE I KNEW THERE WAS A FUTURE FOR MANKIND." "I... ( shouting ):" "I KNEW THERE WAS HOPE" "SO LONG AS MEN WERE PREPARED TO GIVE THEIR LIMBS!" "AND WHEN THE TIME CAME FOR ME TO GIVE MY OTHER ARM, I..." "I GAVE IT GLADLY, I..." "I SANG AS THEY SAWED IT OFF, BECAUSE I BELIEVED" "OH, YOU MAY LAUGH!" "" "BUT I BELIEVED WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BODY" "WITH EVERY DROP OF RAIN THAT FALLS" "A..." "A FLOWER GROWS." "AND THAT FLOWER" "THAT SMALL, AGILE, DELICATE FLOWER" "SHALL BURST FORTH" "TO GIVE A NEW LIFE" "A NEW STRENGTH!" "( siren blaring )" "( "There'll Always Be An England" continues )" "Padre:" "... THERE IS FREEDOM" " FREEDOM FROM FEAR" "FREEDOM FROM OPPRESSION AND FREEDOM FROM TYRANNY." "A WORLD WHERE MEN AND WOMEN OFALL RACESAND CREEDS" "CAN LIVE TOGETHER IN COMMUNION." "AND THEN IN THE TWILIGHT OF THIS LIFE" "OUR CHILDREN AND OUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN..." "OUR PATIENTS HERE" "ARE SUFFERING FROM SEVERE OVERACTING." "ARGH!" "JIM, LAD!" "ARGH!" "JIM, LAD!" "WHEN THEY'RE BROUGHT IN, THEY'RE ALL REALLY OVER THE TOP." "IT'S OUR JOB TO TRY AND TREAT THE CONDITION OF OVERACTING." "RATHER SERIOUS." "THIS IS THE RICHARD III WARD." "( drawn-out ):" "A HORSE." "A HORSE." "MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE." "MOST OF THESE CASES ARE PRETTY UNPLEASANT." "A HORSE!" "NURSE?" "A HORSE!" "MY KINGDOM FOR... ( gagging )" "BUT THE TREATMENT DOES WORK WITH SOME PEOPLE." "THIS CHAP CAME TO US" "STRAIGHT FROM THE CHICHESTER FESTIVAL." "WE OPERATED JUST IN TIME, AND NOW HE'S ALMOST NORMAL." "( calmly ):" "A HORSE, A HORSE." "MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE." "ARGH!" "ARGH!" "ARGH!" "ARGH!" "ARGH!" "ARGH!" "ARGH!" "ARGH!" "BUT, UH, IN HERE, WE HAVE SOME VERY NASTY" "CASES, INDEED." "Both ( in monotone ):" "TO BE OR NOT TO BE." "( women's voices ):" "THAT IS THE QUESTION." "( plop )" "TO BE..." "TO BE..." "OH." "OH." "( engine whirring )" "( high-pitched whistling )" "( explosion )" "( pastoral musicplaying )" "GOOD EVENING." "( slowly and forcefully ):" "FIRST, TAKE A BUNCH OF FLOWERS:" "PRETTY BEGONIAS, IRISES, FREESIAS" "AND CRY-MANTHESUMS." "THEN..." "ARRANGE THEM..." "NICELY..." "IN A VASE!" "OH, GET IN!" "GET IN!" "GET IN!" "OH...!" "SHH!" "( chattering )" "MORNING." "( high, screechy voice ):" "MORNING!" "WHAT YOU GOT, THEN?" "WELL, THERE'S EGG AND BACON." "UH, EGG, SAUSAGE AND BACON." "EGG AND SPAM." "EGG, BACON AND SPAM." "EGG, BACON, SAUSAGE AND SPAM." "SPAM, BACON, SAUSAGE AND SPAM." "SPAM, EGG, SPAM, SPAM, BACON AND SPAM." "SPAM, SPAM" "SPAM, EGG AND SPAM." "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, BAKED BEANS" "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM AND SPAM." "OR LOBSTER THERMIDOR AUX CREVETTES WITH MORNAY SAUCE" "GARNISHED WITH TRUFFLE PATE, BRANDY, AND A FRIED EGG ON TOP" "AND SPAM." "HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING WITHOUT SPAM IN IT?" "WELL, SPAM, EGG, SAUSAGE AND SPAM." "IT'S NOT GOT MUCH SPAM IN IT." "I DON'T WANT ANY SPAM!" "WHY CAN'T SHE HAVE EGG, BACON, SPAM AND SAUSAGE?" "THAT'S GOT SPAM IN IT!" "NOT AS MUCH AS SPAM, EGG, SAUSAGE AND SPAM." "LOOK, COULD I HAVE EGG, BACON, SPAM AND SAUSAGE" "WITHOUT THE SPAM?" "UGH!" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN "UGH"?" "I DON'T LIKE SPAM!" "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM" "LOVELY SPAM!" "WONDERFUL SPAM!" "LOVELY SPAM!" "WONDERFUL SPAM!" "( hitting spoon ):" "SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP!" "LOVELY SPAM!" "WONDERFUL SPAM!" "YOU CAN'T HAVE EGG, BACON, SPAM AND SAUSAGE" "WITHOUT THE SPAM." "WHY NOT?" "!" "WELL, IT WOULDN'T BE EGG, BACON, SPAM AND SAUSAGE" "WOULD IT?" "I DON'T LIKE SPAM!" "OH, DON'T MAKE A FUSS, DEAR." "I'LL HAVE YOUR SPAM." "I LOVE IT!" "I'M HAVING SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM..." "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM ." "SPAM, BAKED BEANS, SPAM, SPAM AND SPAM!" "BAKED BEANS ARE OFF." "WELL, CAN I HAVE SPAM INSTEAD?" "YOU MEAN SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM..." "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM" "WONDERFUL SPAM!" "YES!" "UGH!" "LOVELY SPAM!" "SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP!" "( Hungarian accent ):" ""OH, GREAT BOOBIES, HONEY BUN." ""MY LOWER INTESTINE IS FULL OF SPAM, EGG, SPAM, BACON..." "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM "SPAM, SPAM... ( whistle blows )" "SHUT UP!" ""MY NIPPLES EXPLODE..."" "LOVELY SPAM!" "WONDERFUL SPAM!" "ANOTHER GREAT VIKING VICTORY" "WAS AT THE GREEN MIDGET CAFE IN BROMLEY." "ONCE AGAIN, THE VIKING STRATEGY WAS THE SAME." "THEY SAILED FROM THESE FJORDS HERE" "ASSEMBLED AT TRONDHEIM" "AND WAITED FOR THE STRONG NORTHEASTERLY WINDS" "TO BLOW THEIR OAKEN GALLEYS TO ENGLAND" "WHENCE THEY SAILED ON MAY THE 23rd." "ONCE IN BROMLEY, THEY ASSEMBLED IN THE GREEN MIDGET CAFE" "AND SPAM SELECTING A SPAM PARTICULAR SPAM ITEM" "FROM THE SPAM MENU WOULD..." "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM" "LOVELY SPAM!" "WONDERFUL SPAM!" "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM" "LOVELY SPAM!" "WONDERFUL SPAM...!" "SHUT UP!" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "( applause )" "HAAGBARD ETHELDRONGA AND HIS VIKING HORDES" "ARE CURRENTLYAPPEARING IN GRIN AND PILLAGE IT" "AT THEJODRELL THEA TRE, COLWYN BA Y." "THE DIRTY HUNGARIAN PHRASE BOOK ISA VAILABLE" "FROM HER MAJESTY'S STA TIONERY OFFICE." "PRICE" " A KISS ON THE BUM." "( music ends with raspberry )" "( audience laughs )" "I AM NOT SIMPLY GOING TO SAY" ""AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT" THIS WEEK" "AS I DO NOT THINK IT FIT." "THIS IS A PARTICULARLY AUSPICIOUS OCCASION" "FOR US THIS EVENING, AS WE HAVE BEEN TOLD" "THAT HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN WILL BE WATCHING" "PART OF THIS SHOW TONIGHT." "AND WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHEN HER MAJESTY WILL BE TUNING IN." "WE UNDERSTAND THAT AT THE MOMENT SHE IS WATCHING THE VIRGINIAN" "BUT WE HAVE BEEN PROMISED THAT WE WILL BE INFORMED" "THE MOMENT THAT SHE CHANGES CHANNEL." "HER MAJESTY WOULD LIKE EVERYONE TO BEHAVE QUITE NORMALLY" "BUT HER EQUERRY HAS ASKED ME TO REQUEST ALL OF YOU AT HOME" "TO STAND WHEN THE GREAT MOMENT ARRIVES" "ALTHOUGH WE HERE IN THE STUDIO WILL BE CARRYING ON" "WITH OUR HUMOROUS VIGNETTES AND SPOOFS IN THE ORDINARY WAY." "THANK YOU." "AND NOW WITHOUT ANY MORE ADO AND COMPLETELY AS NORMAL" "HERE ARE THE OPENING TITLES." "( Pomp and Circumstance playing )" "( Pomp and Circumstance playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "( music ends with raspberry )" "( choir singing )" "Announcer:" "THE COAL MINERS OF WALES HA VE LONG BEEN FAMED" "FOR THEIR TOUGH, RUGGED LIFE HEWING THE BLACK GOLD" "FROM THE UNCOMPROMISING HELL OF ONE MILE UNDER." "THIS IS THE STORY OF SUCH MEN" "BA TTLING GALLANTL Y AGAINST FLOODS, ROOF FALLS" "THE ENGLISH CRIMINAL LAW" "THE HIDDEN KILLER, CARBON MONOXIDE" "AND THE EVER-PRESENT THREA T OF PNEUMOCONIOSIS WHICH ISA..." "A DISEASE MINERS GET." "DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT" "YOU LYING BASTARD." "YOU BLEEDING PIG." "YOU'RE NOT FIT TO BE DOWN A MINE." "TYPICAL BLEEDING RHONDDA, ISN'T IT." "YOU THINK YOU'RE SO BLOODY CLEVER." "ALL RIGHT." "YOU'RE BLOODY FIGHTING AGAIN?" "BREAK IT UP" "OR I'LL PUT THIS PICK THROUGH YOUR HEAD." "NOW WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?" "HE STARTED IT." "OH, YOU BLEEDING PIG, YOU STARTED IT." "I DON'T CARE WHO BLOODY STARTED IT" "WHAT'S IT ABOUT?" "WELL, HE SAID THE BLOODY TREATY OF UTRECHT WAS 1713." "SO IT BLOODY IS." "NO, IT BLOODY ISN'T." "IT WASN'T RATIFIED TILL FEBRUARY 1714." "HE'S BLUFFING." "YOUR MIND'S GONE, JENKINS." "YOU'RE RUBBISH." "HE'S RIGHT, JENKINS." "IT WAS RATIFIED SEPTEMBER 1713." "THE WHOLE BLOODY PIT KNOWS THAT." "LOOK, IN TREVELYN, PAGE 468." "HE'S THINKING OF THE TREATY OF BLOODY WESTPHALIA." "ARE YOU SAYING I DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN" "THE WAR OF THE BLOODY SPANISH SUCCESSION" "AND THE THIRTY BLOODY YEARS' WAR?" "YOU DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE" "BETWEEN THE BATTLE OF BORODINO" "AND A TIGER'S BUM." "BREAK IT UP!" "BREAK IT UP!" "I'M SICK OF ALL THIS BLOODY FIGHTING." "IF IT'S NOT THE BLOODY TREATY OF UTRECHT" "IT'S THE BLOODY BINOMIAL THEOREM." "THIS ISN'T THE SENIOR COMMON ROOM AT ALL SOULS" "IT'S THE BLOODY COAL FACE." "HEY, GAFFER, CAN YOU SETTLE SOMETHING?" "MORGAN HERE SAYS YOU FIND THE ABACUS BETWEEN THE TRIGLYPHS" "IN THE FRIEZE SECTION OF THE ENTABLATURE" "OF CLASSICAL GREEK DORIC TEMPLES." "YOU BLOODY FOOL, MORGAN." "THAT'S THE METOPE." "THE ABACUS IS BETWEEN" "THE ARCHITRAVE AND THE ECHINUS IN THE CAPITAL." "YOU STINKING LIAR!" "( all shouting )" "BREAK IT UP." "( bell ringing )" "OH, MOST MAGNIFICENT AND MERCIFUL MAJESTY" "MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE, PROTECTOR OF THE MEEK" "WHOSE NOSE WE ARE NOT WORTHY TO PICK" "AND WHOSE VERY FECES ARE AN UNTRAMMELED DELIGHT" "AND WHOSE PEACOCKS KEEP US AWAKE" "ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT WITH THEIR NOISY LOVEMAKING" "WE BESEECH THEE, TELL THY HUMBLE SERVANTS THE NAME" "OF THE SECTION BETWEEN THE TRIGLYPHS IN THE FRIEZE SECTION" "OF A CLASSICAL DORIC ENTABLATURE." "NO IDEA." "SORRY." "RIGHT." "EVERYBODY OUT." "( bell ringing )" "STILL NO SETTLEMENT" "IN THE COAL MINE DISPUTE AT LLANDDAROG." "MINERS REFUSE TO RETURN TO WORK" "UNTIL THE MANAGEMENT DEFINE A METOPE." "MEANWHILE, AT DAGENHAM" "THE UNOFFICIAL STRIKE COMMITTEE AT FORDS" "HAVE INCREASED THEIR DEMANDS" "TO 13 REASONS WHY HENRY III WAS A BAD KING." "AND FINALLY, IN THE DISGUSTING OBJECTS INTERNATIONAL" "AT WEMBLEY TONIGHT, ENGLAND BEAT SPAIN" "BY A PLATE OF BRAISED PUS TO A PUTRID HERON." "AND NOW, THE TOAD ELEVATING MOMENT." "( dramatic theme musicplaying )" "GOOD EVENING." "WELL, WE HAVE IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT" "A MAN WHO SAYS THINGS IN A VERY ROUNDABOUT WAY." "ISN'T THAT SO, MR. PUDIFOOT?" "YES." "HAVE YOU ALWAYS SAID THINGS" "IN A VERY ROUNDABOUT WAY?" "YES." "I CAN'T HELP NOTICING THAT FOR SOMEONE WHO CLAIMS" "TO SAY THINGS IN A VERY ROUNDABOUT WAY" "YOUR LAST TWO ANSWERS HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE" "OF THE DISCURSIVE QUALITY ABOUT THEM." "OH, WELL, I'M NOT VERY TALKATIVE TODAY." "IT'S A FORM OF DEFENSIVE RESPONSE" "TO INTENSE INTERROGATIVE STIMULI." "I USED TO GET IT VERY BAD WHEN I WAS A BOY..." "WELL, WHEN I SAY BADLY" "IN FACT, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT FASHION THEY HAD" "FOR, YOU KNOW, LITTLE POODLES WITH SMALL COATS...?" "AH, NOW YOU'RE BEGINNING TO TALK..." "YOU'RE BEGINNING TO TALK IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY." "OH, I'M SORRY." "NO, NO, NO." "PLEASE DO CARRY ON" "BECAUSE THAT IS IN FACT WHY WE WANTED YOU ON THE SHOW." "I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE YOU WERE INTERESTED IN ME" "AS A HUMAN BEING." "WELL, LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT GUEST" "WHO NOT ONLY LIVES IN ESSEX" "BUT ALSO SPEAKS ONLY THE ENDS OF WORDS." "MR. OHN ITH." "MR. ITH, GOOD EVENING." "...OOD ..." "ING." "NICE TO HAVE YOU..." "NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW." "...ICE ..." "O ..." "E ..." "ERE." "MR. ITH, DON'T YOU FIND IT VERY DIFFICULT" "TO MAKE YOURSELF UNDERSTOOD?" "YES, IT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT." "JUST A MINUTE." "YOU'RE A FRAUD." "OH, NO." "I CAN SPEAK THE THIRD" "AND FOURTH SENTENCES PERFECTLY NORMALLY." "I SEE." "SO YOUR NEXT SENTENCE WILL BE ONLY THE ENDS OF WORDS AGAIN?" "...T'S ..." "IGHT." "AS WE MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT GUEST" "WHO SPEAKS ONLY THE BEGINNINGS OF WORDS" "MR. J..." "SM..." "MR. SM..., GOOD EVENING." "G..." "E..." "HAVE YOU TWO MET BEFORE?" "N..." "...O. N... ..." "O." "WELL, THIS IS REALLY A FASCINATING OCCASION" "BECAUSE WE HAVE IN THE STUDIO" "MR. ..." "OH... ..." "I..." "WHO SPEAKS ONLY THE MIDDLES OF WORDS." "GOOD EVENING." "...OO..." "...NI..." "AND WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?" "...U... ..." "I... ..." "A..." "Interviewer:" "DUNFERMLINE IN SCOTLAND." "WELL, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU." "MR. OHN ITH." "...OOD ...ING." "MR. J..." "SM OOO..." "...NI..." "G..." "EVE..." "YES, WELL, HA, HA, JUST A MOMENT." "PERHAPS YOU'D ALL LIKE TO SAY GOOD EVENING TOGETHER." "G..." "...OO... ..." "D" "EVE..." "...NI... ..." "ING" "( whistles )" "HI, THERE, BEAUTIFUL." "( sobbing )" "HI, BOB." "SAY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?" "I DON'T KNOW, TOM" "BUT GIRLS SEEM TO AVOID ME THESE DAYS." "HMM, COULD BE BAD BREATH, BOB." "SAY, HAVE YOU TRIED USING CRELM TOOTHPASTE?" "GOSH, TOM, DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD HELP?" "YOU BET YOUR BOOTS IT WILL, BOB." "TOM WAS SURE RIGHT." "CRELM HAS CHANGED MY LIFE." "HI, GIRLS." "( noisy chewing )" "( belching )" "THIS TABLE HAS BEEN TREATED" "WITH ORDINARY SOAP POWDER" "BUT THESE HAVE BEEN TREATED WITH NEW FIBRO-VAL." "WE PUT BOTH OF THEM IN OUR WASHING MACHINE" "AND JUST LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE." "THE TABLE" "IS ALL BROKEN AND SMASHED" "BUT THE SHEETS, WITH FIBRO-VAL, ARE SPARKLING CLEAN AND WHITE." "( pastoral musicplaying )" "Man ( upbeat voice ):" "I LOVE THE SURGICAL GARMENT." "ENJOY THE DELIGHTS OF THE VICTOR MATURE ABDOMINAL CORSET." "SAIL DOWN THE NILE ON THE BLEED-IT KOSHER TRUSS." "AND DON'T FORGET THE HERCULES HOLD-'EM-IN" "THE ALL-PURPOSE CONCRETE TRUSS" "FOR THE MAN WITH THE FAMILY HERNIA." "( with normal voice ):" "WELL, LAST WEEK ON FISH CLUB" "WE LEARNT HOW TO SEX A PIKE." "AND THIS WEEK WE'RE GOING TO LEARN HOW TO FEED A GOLDFISH." "NOW, CONTRARY TO WHAT MOST PEOPLE THINK" "THE GOLDFISH HAS A RAVENOUS APPETITE." "IF IT DOESN'T GET ENOUGH PROTEIN IT GETS VERY THIN" "ITS BONES BEGIN TO STICK OUT AND ITS FINS START TO FALL OFF." "SO ONCE A WEEK" "GIVE YOUR GOLDFISH A REALLY GOOD MEAL." "HERE'S ONE SPECIALLY RECOMMENDED" "BY THE BOARD OF IRRESPONSIBLE PEOPLE." "FIRST, SOME COLD CONSOMME OR GAZPACHO..." "THEN SOME SAUSAGES WITH SPRING GREENS...." "SAUTEED POTATOES, BREAD, GRAVY..." "Announcer:" "THE RSPCA WISH IT TO BE KNOWN" "THAT THATMAN WAS NOT A BONA-FIDEANIMAL LOVER" "AND ALSO THAT GOLDFISH DO NOT EAT SAUSAGES..." "AND ALSO THAT GOLDFISH DO NOT EAT SAUSAGES..." "Announcer:" "SHUT UP." "THEYARE QUITE HAPPY WITH BREADCRUMBS, ANTS' EGGSAND..." "WHO WROTE THAT?" "( birds singing )" "( man chuckling )" "( woman giggling )" "( woman giggling )" "Woman:" "OH, CHARLES." "Woman:" "OH, CHARLES." "( man chuckling )" "OH, oh..." "OH, oh..." "Woman:" "Oh..." "Woman:" "Oh... ( man and woman giggling )" "I HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THE SHOW." "( birds singing )" "Announcer:" "HERBERTMENTAL COLLECTS BIRD-WA TCHERS' EGGS." "AT HIS HOME IN SURREY" "HE HASA COLLECTION OF OVER 400 OF THEM." "HERE NOW, THIS IS A VERY INTERESTING ONE." "THIS IS FROM A MR. P.F. BRADSHAW." "HE IS USUALLY FOUND IN SURREY HEDGEROWS" "BUT I FOUND THIS ONE" "IN THE GENTS AT ST." "PANCRAS, UNEATEN." "( with high-pitched voice ):" "MR. MENTAL, WHY DID YOU START COLLECTING BIRD-WATCHER'S EGGS?" "( with normal voice ):" "WELL, I DID IT TO GET ON MAN ALIVE." "( high ):" "MAN ALIVE?" "( normal ):" "THAT'S RIGHT, YES." "UH, BUT THEN, THAT GOT ALL SERIOUS." "SO I CARRIED ON IN THE HOPE OF A QUICK APPEARANCE" "AS AN ECCENTRIC ON THE REGIONAL SECTION OF NA TIONWIDE." "( high ):" "MR. MENTAL, I BELIEVE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO" "YOU STARTED TO COLLECT BUTTERFLY HUNTERS." "( normal ):" "BUTTERFLY HUNTERS?" "( high ):" "YES." "( normal ):" "OH, THAT'S RIGHT." "HERE'S A COUPLE OF THEM OVER HERE." "NICE LITTLE CHAPS." "BUT THE HOBBY I ENJOYED MOST WAS RACING PIGEON FANCIERS." "( pigeon fanciers cooing )" "( Pomp and Circumstance playing )" "DINSDALE!" "DINSDALE!" "( rapid footsteps )" "( knocking )" "IS THE BALLOON READY?" "YEAH, BOSS." "COMING RIGHT UP." "( blowing )" "OKAY, LET'S GO." "( fuse burning )" "( explosions )" "( fanfare playing )" "( rapid footsteps and giggling )" "UH, GOOD MORNING." "I'VE BEEN IN TOUCH WITH YOU" "ABOUT THE, UH, LIFE INSURANCE." "AH, YES." "UH DID YOU..." "DID YOU BRING THE, UH..." "MMM, SPECIMEN OF YOUR..." "UM, AND SO ON AND SO ON?" "UH, YES, I DID." "IT'S IN THE CAR." "THERE'S RATHER A LOT." "GOOD, GOOD." "DO YOU REALLY NEED 12 GALLONS?" "MMM..." "NO." "NO, NOT REALLY." "DO YOU TEST IT?" "NO." "WELL, WHY DO YOU WANT IT?" "WELL, WE DO IT TO MAKE SURE" "THAT YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT WANTING INSURANCE." "I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NOT" "YOU WON'T SPEND A COUPLE OF MONTHS" "FILLING UP THAT ENORMOUS CHURN WITH..." "MMM..." "SO ON AND SO ON." "SHALL I BRING IT IN?" "LORD, NO." "THROW IT AWAY." "THROW IT AWAY?" "I WAS MONTHS FILLING THAT THING UP." "( drum roll )" "( "God Save The Queen"playing )" "( "God Save The Queen"playing )" "HASJUST TUNED IN TO THIS PROGRAM" "AND SHE IS NOW WA TCHING THIS ROYAL SKETCH" "HERE IN THIS ROYAL SET." "THEACTOR ON THE LEFT IS WEARING THE GREAT GRA Y SUIT" "OF THE BBC WARDROBE DEPARTMENT" "AND THE OTHER ACTOR ISABOUT TO DELIVER" "THE FIRST GREAT ROYAL JOKE HERE THIS ROYAL EVENING." "GOING TO THE RIGHT, YOU CAN SEE THE ROYAL CAMERAMAN" "AND BEHIND..." "OH, WEJUST HEARD SHE'S SWITCHED OVER." "SHE'S WA TCHING NEWS AT TEN." "( cries of disappointment from audience ) ...DESPITE THE UNION'S RECOMMENDATION" "THAT THE STRIKERS SHOULD ACCEPT THE SECOND AND THIRD CLAUSES" "OF THE AGREEMENT ARRIVED AT LAST THURSDAY." "( drum roll )" "( "God Save The Queen"playing )" "TODAY SAW THE PUBLICATION" "OF THE mcguffie COMMISSION'S CONTROVERSIAL REPORT" "ON TREATMENT OF INPATIENTS IN NORTH LONDON HOSPITALS." "ON TREATMENT OF INPATIENTS IN NORTH LONDON HOSPITALS." "( patients moaning and groaning )" "COME ON, COME ON!" "WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY, HAVE WE?" "COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!" "HURRY UP!" "RIGHT!" "NOW, I KNOW SOME HOSPITALS" "WHERE YOU GET THE PATIENTS LYING AROUND IN BED" "SLEEPING, RESTING, RECUPERATING, CONVALESCING." "WELL, THAT'S NOT THE WAY WE DO THINGS HERE, RIGHT?" "!" "NO, YOU WON'T BE LOAFING ABOUT IN BED" "WASTING THE DOCTORS' TIME." "YOU!" "YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE CRIPPLE!" "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?" "FRACTURED TIBIA, SERGEANT." "( mocking ):" ""FRACTURED TIBIA, SERGEANT."" ""FRACTURED TIBIA, SERGEANT," OOH." "PROPER LITTLE MUMMY'S BOY, AREN'T WE?" "!" "WELL, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, MY FINE FRIEND." "IF YOU FRACTURE A TIBIA HERE, YOU KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT!" "LOOK AT HIM!" "HE'S BROKE BOTH HIS ARMS" "AND HE DON'T GO SHOUTING ABOUT IT, DO HE?" "!" "NO!" "'CAUSE HE'S A MAN, YOU..." "HE'S A WOMAN, YOU SEE" "SO DON'T TRY THAT FRACTURED TIBIA TALK WITH ME!" "GET ON FOR DETAIL AT THE DOUBLE!" "ONE, TWO, THREE." "PICK THAT CRUTCH UP!" "PICK THAT CRUTCH RIGHT UP!" "( groans )" "RIGHT..." "SQUAD... 'TION!" "SQUAD, RIGHT TURN!" "SQUAD, BY THE LEFT, QUICK LIMP!" "COME ON, PICK 'EM UP, THERE!" "( all moaning )" "GET SOME AIR IN THOSE WOUNDS!" "HERE AT ST." "POOVES, WE BELIEVE IN A.R.T." "ACTIVE RECUPERATION TECHNIQUES." "WE TRY TO HELP THE PATIENT UNDERSTAND" "THAT HOWEVER ILL HE MAY BE" "HE CAN STILL FULFILL A USEFUL ROLE IN SOCIETY." "SUN LOUNGE, PLEASE, MR. GRIFFITHS." "( groaning )" "WELL... ( groans )" "I GOT A TRIPLE FRACTURE OF THE RIGHT LEG" "DISLOCATED COLLARBONE AND MULTIPLE HEAD INJURIES" "SO I DO MOST OF THE HEAVY WORK, LIKE HELPING THE SURGEON." "Interviewer:" "WHAT DOES THAT INVOLVE?" "WELL, AT THE MOMENT, WE'RE BUILDING HIM A HOLIDAY HOME." "WHAT ABOUT THE NURSES?" "OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THEM." "THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO MIX WITH THE PATIENTS." "DO ALL THE PATIENTS WORK?" "NO, NO." "THE ONES THAT ARE REALLY ILL DO SPORT." "Interviewer:" "YES, ONE THING PA TIENTS HERE DREAD ARE THE RUNS." "HOW ARE YOU FEELING?" "( groaning ):" "MUCH BETTER." "( grunting )" "( groans )" "BUT THE PA TIENTS AREALLOWED VISITING HOURS" "AND THIS WEEK THEY'RE VISITING AN IRON FOUNDRYAT SWINDON" "WHICH IS CRYING OUT FOR UNSKILLED LABOR." "( Dr. KiLdare theme musicplaying )" "BUT THIS ISN'T THE ONLY HOSPITAL" "WHERE DOCTORS' CONDITIONS ARE IMPROVING." "WE HAVE VERY LITTLE SHORTAGE OF DOCTORS HERE." "WE HAVE OVER 40 DOCTORS PER BED..." "UH, PATIENT." "( chuckles )" "OH, BE HONEST:" "BED." "WE'VE EVERY FACILITY HERE" "FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE RICH." "WE CAN DEAL WITH A BLOCKED PURSE" "WE CAN DRAIN PRIVATE ACCOUNTS, AND IN THE WORST CASES" "WE CAN PERFORM A TOTAL CASHECTOMY" "WHICH IS TOTAL REMOVAL OF ALL MONEYS FROM THE PATIENT." "WELL, HERE WE TRY TO HELP PEOPLE" "WHO HAVE TO LINK SKETCHES TOGETHER." "WE TRY TO STOP THEM SAYING" ""HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF...?"" "AND INSTEAD SAY SOMETHING LIKE, UM... ( sighs )" ""AND NOW, THE MOUNTAINEERING SKETCH."" "WELL, I HAVEN'T WRITTEN A MOUNTAINEERING SKETCH, BUT..." "NOW TO THE EXPLODING VERSION OF "THE BLUE DANUBE."" "( "The Blue Danube"playing )" "( music ends )" "Announcer:" "AND NOWA DORMITORY IN A GIRLS' PUBLIC SCHOOL." "( snoring )" "( clattering )" "( running footsteps )" "( deep voice ):" "HELLO." "AGNES?" "AGNES, ARE YOU AWAKE?" "AGNES?" "( groaning )" "( slapping )" "AGNES?" "( second deep voice ):" "WHO IS IT?" "IS THAT YOU, CHARLIE?" "YEAH, AGNES." "WHERE IS JANE?" "( third deep voice ):" "I'M OVER HERE, CHARLIE." "JANE, WE'RE GOING DOWN TO RAID THE TUCK SHOP." "OH, GOOD-O." "COUNT ME IN, GIRLS." "( fourth deep voice ):" "CAN I COME, TOO, AGNES?" "YEAH, JOYCE." "( fifth deep voice ):" "AND ME AND AVRIL?" "YEAH, RATHER." "AND SUKI." "OH, WHACKO THE DIDDLE-OH." "CAVE, GIRLS." "HERE COMES MISS RODGERS." "ALL RIGHT, GIRLS." "NOW, STOP THIS TOMFOOLERY AND GET BACK INTO BED." "REMEMBER, IT'S THE BIG MATCH" "AT ST." "BRIDGET'S TOMORROW." "Announcer:" "YES, ON YOUR SCREEN TOMORROW" "STARRING THE MEN OF THE 14th MARINE COMMANDOS." "AND NOW IT'S DOCUMENTARY TIME" "WHEN WE LOOK AT THE MOMENTOUS LAST YEARS" "OF THE SECOND WORLD WAR" "AND TONIGHT, THE INVASION OF NORMANDY, PERFORMED" "BY THE GIRLS OF OAKDEND HIGH SCHOOL, UPPER FIFTH SCIENCE." "( girls yelling )" "OH, IT'S STILL RAINING." "I'M GOING DOWN THE SHOPS." "OH, BE A DEAR AND GET ME" "SOME RATS' BANE FOR THE BUDGIE'S BOIL." "OTHERWISE, I'LL PUT YOUR EYES OUT." "AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN." "Coo-ee." "Torpedo bay." "YOO-HOO." "TORPEDO BAY." "SHE SAID TORPEDO BAY." "YES, SHE DID." "SHE DID." "YES, SHE SAID TORPEDO BAY, SHE DID, SHE DID." "SAID TORPEDO BAY, SHE DID, SHE DID." "Mrs. Lieutenant Edale here." "Mrs. Midshipman Nesbitt's got one of her headaches again so I put her in the torpedo tube." "ROGER, MRS. EDALE." "STAND BY TO FIRE MRS. NESBITT." "STAND BY TO FIRE MRS. NESBITT." "Standing by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt." "RED ALERT." "PUT THE KETTLE ON." "kettle on." "ENGINE ROOM, STAND BY TO FEED THE CAT." "Standing by to feed the cat." "FIRE MRS. NESBITT!" "OH, THAT'S MUCH BETTER." "ASAN ADMIRAL WHO CAME UP THROUGH THE RANKS" "MORE TIMES THAN YOU'VE HAD HOT DINNERS" "I WISH TO JOIN MY HUSBAND ADMIRAL O.W.A. GIVEA WA Y" "IN CONDEMNING THIS SHODDY MISREPRESENTA TION" "OF OUR MODERN NA VY." "THE BRITISH NA VY IS ONE OF THE FINEST" "AND MOSTATTRACTIVE" "AND BUTCHEST FIGHTING FORCES IN THE WORLD." "I LOVE THOSE WHITE-FLAG TROUSERS" "AND THE FEEL OF ROUGH BLUE SERGE" "ON THOSE PERT LITTLE BUTTOCKS." "I'M AFRAID WE'RE UNABLE TO SHOW YOU ANY MORE OF THAT LETTER." "WE CONTINUE WITH A MAN WITH A STOAT THROUGH HIS HEAD." "AND NOW..." "STILL NO SIGN OF LAND." "HOW LONG IS IT?" "THAT'S RATHER A PERSONAL QUESTION, SIR." "YOU STUPID GIT." "I MEANT HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN IN THE LIFEBOAT?" "YOU'VE SPOILT THE ATMOSPHERE NOW." "I'M SORRY." "SHUT UP." "WE'LL HAVE TO START AGAIN." "STILL NO SIGN OF LAND." "HOW LONG IS IT?" "33 DAYS, SIR." "33 DAYS." "I DON'T THINK WE CAN HOLD OUT MUCH LONGER." "I DON'T THINK I DID SPOIL" "THE ATMOSPHERE." "SHUT UP!" "I'M SORRY." "I DON'T THINK I DID." "OF COURSE YOU DID." "DO YOU THINK I SPOILT THE ATMOSPHERE?" "WELL, I..." "LOOK, SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP." "STILL NO SIGN OF LAND." "HOW LONG IS IT?" "33 DAYS, SIR." "CAN WE START IT AGAIN?" "OH!" "STILL NO SIGN OF LAND." "HOW LONG IS IT?" "33 DAYS, SIR." "33 DAYS?" "YES." "WE CAN'T HOLD OUT MUCH LONGER." "WE HAVEN'T HAD ANY FOOD SINCE THE FIFTH DAY." "WE'RE DONE FOR, WE'RE DONE FOR." "SHUT UP, MAUDLING." "WE'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP HOPING" "SOMEONE WILL FIND US." "HOW ARE YOU FEELING, CAPTAIN?" "NOT SO GOOD." "I FEEL SO WEAK." "( coughing )" "WE CAN'T HOLD OUT MUCH LONGER." "( coughing )" "LISTEN, CHAPS." "THERE'S ONE LAST CHANCE." "I'M DONE FOR." "I'VE GOT A GAMMY LEG AND I'M GOING FAST." "I'LL NEVER GET THROUGH, BUT..." "SOME OF YOU MIGHT." "SO YOU'D BETTER EAT ME." "EAT YOU, SIR?" "YES." "EAT ME." "UGH." "WITH A GAMMY LEG?" "YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT THE LEG, THOMPSON." "THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF GOOD MEAT." "LOOK AT THAT ARM." "IT'S NOT..." "JUST THE LEG, SIR." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "WELL, SIR, IT'S JUST THAT..." "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO EAT ME?" "I'D RATHER EAT JOHNSON, SIR." "OH, SO WOULD I, SIR." "I SEE." "WELL, THAT'S SETTLED THEN." "EVERYONE EATS ME." "WELL, I, UM..." "WHAT SIR?" "NO, NO." "YOU GO AHEAD." "I WON'T..." "NONSENSE, NONSENSE, SIR." "YOU'RE STARVING." "TUCK IN." "NO, IT'S NOT JUST THAT." "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH JOHNSON, SIR?" "WELL, HE'S NOT KOSHER." "DEPENDS HOW WE KILL HIM, SIR." "YES, YES, I SEE THAT, BUT, UH..." "WELL, TO BE QUITE FRANK" "I LIKE MY MEAT A LITTLE MORE LEAN." "I'D RATHER EAT HODGES." "OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT." "NO, I STILL PREFER TO EAT JOHNSON." "I WISH YOU'D ALL STOP BICKERING AND EAT ME." "I TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T THOSE OF US WHO WANT TO" "EAT JOHNSON, THEN, YOU, SIR, CAN EAT MY LEG" "AND THEN WE'LL MAKE A STOCK OF THE CAPTAIN, AND AFTER THAT" "WE CAN EAT THE REST OF JOHNSON COLD FOR SUPPER?" "GOOD THINKING, HODGES." "AND WE'LL FINISH OFF WITH THE PEACHES." "AND WE CAN START OFF WITH THE AVOCADOS." "WAITRESS?" "YES." "WAITRESS, WE'VE DECIDED NOW." "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LEG OF HODGES... ( booing and shouting )" "DEAR SIR, I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOUR STUDIO AUDIENCE" "DISAPPROVES OF THE LAST SKIT AS STRONGLYAS I." "ASA NA VAL OFFICER, I ABHOR THE IMPLICATION" "THAT THE ROYAL NA VY ISA HA VEN FOR CANNIBALISM." "IT IS WELL KNOWN THAT WE NOW HA VE THE PROBLEM" "RELA TIVELY UNDER CONTROL" "AND THAT IT IS THE R.A.F WHO NOW SUFFER" "THE LARGEST CASUALTIES IN THISAREA." "WHAT DO YOU THINK THEARGYLLSATE IN ADEN?" "ARABS?" "YOURS, ETC., CAPTAIN B.J. SMETHWICK" "IN A WHITE WINE SAUCE WITH SHALLOTS, MUSHROOMSAND GARLIC." "STOP THIS CANNIBALISM." "LET'S HAVE A SKETCH ABOUT CLEAN, DECENT HUMAN BEINGS." "MORNING." "AH, GOOD MORNING." "WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, SQUIRE?" "UH, WELL, I WONDER IF YOU CAN HELP ME." "UM, YOU SEE MY MOTHER'S JUST DIED." "OH, WE CAN HELP." "WE DEAL WITH STIFFS." "WHAT?" "WELL, THERE ARE" "THREE THINGS WE CAN DO WITH YOUR MOTHER." "WE CAN BURN HER, BURY HER OR DUMP HER." "DUMP HER?" "DUMP HER IN THE THAMES." "WHAT?" "OH." "DID YOU LIKE HER?" "YES." "WE WON'T DUMP HER THEN." "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" "WE CAN BURY HER OR BURN HER." "WELL, WHICH DO YOU RECOMMEND?" "WELL, THEY'RE BOTH NASTY." "IF WE BURN HER, SHE GETS STUFFED IN THE FLAMES" "CRACKLE, CRACKLE, CRACKLE-- WHICH IS A BIT OF A SHOCK" "IF SHE'S NOT QUITE DEAD, BUT QUICK." "THEN WE GIVE YOU A HANDFUL OF ASHES" "WHICH YOU CAN PRETEND WERE HERS." "OH." "I SEE." "OR IF WE BURY HER, SHE GETS EATEN UP" "BY LOTS OF WEEVILS AND NASTY MAGGOTS" "WHICH, AS I SAID BEFORE, IS A BIT OF A SHOCK" "IF SHE'S NOT QUITE DEAD." "I SEE." "WELL, SHE'S, UH..." "SHE'S DEFINITELY DEAD." "WHERE IS SHE?" "WELL, SHE'S IN THIS SACK." "( booing )" "SHE LOOKS QUITE YOUNG." "YES." "YES, SHE WAS." "FRED!" "Fred:" "YEAH?" "I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER." "WHAT?" "I'LL GET THE OVEN ON." "RIGHT." "UH..." "EXCUSE ME." "UM, ARE YOU, UH..." "ARE YOU SUGGESTING" "EATING MY MOTHER?" "YEAH." "NOT RAW." "COOKED." "WHAT?" "YES." "ROASTED WITH A FEW FRENCH FRIES" "BROCCOLI, HORSERADISH SAUCE." "WELL, I DO FEEL A BIT PECKISH." "( booing ) GREAT." "Audience member:" "DISGRACEFUL!" "CAN WE HAVE SOME PARSNIPS?" "Undertaker:" "FRED, GET SOME PARSNIPS." "I REALLY DON'T THINK I SHOULD." "LOOK, TELL YOU WHAT, WE'LL EAT HER" "IF YOU FEEL A BIT GUILTY ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS" "WE CAN DIG A GRAVE AND YOU CAN THROW UP IN IT." "( booing and screaming )" "( clamoring )" "( "God Save The Queen"playing )" "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "I, ERIC, UM... ( playing fanfare )" "AND NOW..." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "( music ends with fart )" "MICHAEL NORMAN RANDALL" "YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY" "OF THE MURDER OF ARTHUR REGINALD WEBSTER" "CHARLES PATRICK TRUMPINGTON" "MARCEL AGNES BERNSTEIN, LEWIS ANONA RUDD" "JOHN MALCOLM KERR" "NIGEL SINCLAIR ROBINSON, NORMAN ARTHUR POTTER" "FELICITY JAYNE STONE" "JEAN-PAUL REYNARD, RACHEL SHIRLEY DONALDSON" "STEPHEN JAY GREENBLATT" "KARL-HEINZ MULLER" "BELINDA ANNE VENTHAM" "JUAN-CARLOS FERNANDEZ" "THOR OLAF STENSGAARD" "LORD KIMBERLEY OF PRETORIA" "LADY KIMBERLEY OF PRETORIA" "THE RIGHT HONOURABLE NIGEL WARMSLEY KIMBERLEY" "ROBERT HENRY NOONAN AND FELIX JAMES BENNETT" "ON OR ABOUT THE MORNING OF THE 19th OF DECEMBER, 1972." "HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY BEFORE I PASS SENTENCE?" "YES, SIR." "I'M VERY SORRY." ""VERY SORRY"?" "!" "YES, SIR." "IT WAS A VERY, VERY BAD THING TO HAVE DONE" "AND I'M REALLY VERY ASHAMED OF MYSELF." "I CAN ONLY SAY IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN." "TO HAVE MURDERED SO MANY PEOPLE IN SUCH A SHORT SPACE OF TIME" "IS REALLY AWFUL" "AND I REALLY AM VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY THAT I DID IT" "AND ALSO THAT I'VE TAKEN UP SO MUCH" "OF THE COURT'S VALUABLE TIME" "LISTENING TO THE SORDID DETAILS" "OF THESE SENSELESS KILLINGS OF MINE." "I'D PARTICULARLY LIKE TO SAY" "A VERY PERSONAL AND SINCERE SORRY TO YOU, M'LORD" "FOR MY APPALLING BEHAVIOR THROUGHOUT THIS TRIAL." "I'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY SORRY, TOO, FOR THE POLICE" "FOR PUTTING THEM TO SO MUCH TROUBLE" "FOR THE LITERALLY HOURS OF WORK THEY'VE HAD TO PUT IN" "COLLECTING EVIDENCE" "AND IDENTIFYING CORPSES AND SO FORTH." "YOU KNOW, I THINK SOMETIMES WE OUGHT TO REALIZE" "THE DIFFICULT AND OFTEN DANGEROUS WORK" "INVOLVED IN TRACKING DOWN VIOLENT CRIMINALS LIKE MYSELF" "AND I'D JUST LIKE THEM TO KNOW" "THAT THEIR FINE WORK IS AT LEAST APPRECIATED BY ME." "OH, NO, NO." "WE WERE ONLY DOING OUR JOB." "NO, NO, REALLY." "THAT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU TO SAY THAT" "BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH." "OH, NO, NO." "WE'VE HAD WORSE." "IT WAS PLAIN SAILING, APART FROM THE ARREST." "I KNOW AND I'M GRATEFUL." "I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE, TOO, TO THE PROSECUTING COUNSEL" "FOR DRAGGING HIM IN HERE MORNING AFTER MORNING" "IN SUCH LOVELY WEATHER." "WELL, I WOULD HAVE HAD TO COME IN ANYWAY." "AH, GOOD." "BUT WHAT A PRESENTATION OF A CASE." "OH." "THANK YOU." "OH, NO." "IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO WATCH YOU IN ACTION." "I NEVER HAD A CHANCE." "OH, YES, YOU DID." "OH, NOT AFTER THAT SUMMING UP." "GREAT." "OH." "THANK YOU." "AND NOW I MUST COME TO THE JURY." "WHAT CAN I SAY?" "I'VE DRAGGED YOU IN HERE DAY AFTER DAY" "KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM YOUR HOMES" "YOUR JOBS, YOUR LOVED ONES" "JUST TO HEAR THE PRIVATE DETAILS" "OF MY PETTY ATROCITIES." "NO, NO." "IT WAS VERY INTERESTING." "BUT YOU COULD HAVE HAD A MUCH NICER CASE." "OH, NO, NO, NO." "MURDER'S MUCH MORE FUN." "YES." "AND SO MANY OF THEM." "EXCELLENT." "WE'VE HAD A TERRIFIC TIME." "I'M SORRY." "I'M VERY MOVED." "SO, M'LORD IT ONLY REMAINS" "FOR YOU TO PASS THE MOST SAVAGE SENTENCE ON ME" "THAT THE LAW CAN PROVIDE." "WELL, UH, NOT NECESSARILY." "UH, NO, M'LORD." "THE FULL PENALTY OF THE LAW IS HARDLY SUFFICIENT." "I INSIST I MUST BE MADE AN EXAMPLE OF." "WELL, YES AND NO." "I MEAN, SOCIETY AT LARGE..." "OH, NO, M'LORD!" "NOT WITH MASS MURDER." "OH, BUT IN THIS CASE, DON'T YOU THINK...?" "YES, YES." "OH, COME ON, M'LORD!" "YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE ME LIFE." "NO!" "NO." "NO." "WELL, TEN YEARS AT LEAST." "COME ON." "TEN YEARS?" "( in unison ):" "SHAME, SHAME." "WELL, FIVE THEN." "BE FAIR." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "I'M GIVING YOU THREE MONTHS." "OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING." "I WON'T HEAR OF IT." "GIVE ME SIX." "PLEASE." "WELL..." "ALL RIGHT." "SIX MONTHS." "THANK YOU, M'LORD." "BUT SUSPENDED." "OH!" "( all cheering )" "THREE CHEERS FOR THE DEFENDANT!" "HIP-HIP..." "HIP-HIP..." "HIP-HIP..." "HIP-HIP..." "HIP-HIP..." "HIP-HIP..." "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELON" "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELON" "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELON... ( gravelly voice ):" "WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY... ( note sliding up and down the scale )" "IT'S NO GOOD, SPIDER." "YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THAT EASILY." "WE'RE COMING IN AFTER YOU." "( soft grunt )" "( soft grunt )" "THIS WAY, DAVIS." "( distant breathing )" "HMM." "WE'D BEST SEPARATE." "I'M GOING DOWN THERE." "YOU CHECK THE RIGHT VENTRICLE." "( grunts )" "ANY SIGN OF HIM, DAVIS?" "WHY, NO." "NOTHING HERE." "ALL RIGHT." "WE'LL CHECK THE SPLEEN." "WAIT!" "( footsteps pounding )" "OH, MY GOD!" "HE'S DOWN THE BACK OF US!" "QUICK!" "WE'VE GOT TO CATCH HIM" "BEFORE HE REACHES THE NECK." "OH, NO." "TOO LATE, DAVIS!" "HE'S GOT OUT!" "( munching )" "OH!" "HE'S EATING!" "RUN FOR IT!" "AH!" "( muffled ):" "OH, MY GOD!" "WE'RE HERE IN THE STOMACH!" "OH..." "Narrator:" "THIS LITTLE-KNOWN ICELANDIC SAGA" "WRITTEN BYAN UNKNOWN HAND IN THE LATE 13th CENTURY" "HAS REMAINED UNDISCOVERED UNTIL TODA Y." "NOW IT COMES TO YOUR SCREENS FOR THE FIRST TIME" "FRESH FROM THE LEA VES OF ICELAND'S HISTORY." "THE TERRIBLE NJORL'S SAGA..." "IT'S NOT THAT TERRIBLE." "NO, I MEANT TERRIBLY VIOLENT." "OH, YEAH." "YEAH." "ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR" "LEA VES HIS HOME TO SEEK HANGAR THE ELDER" "AT THE HOUSE OF THORVALD NLODVISSON" "THE SON OF GUDLEIF" "HALF-BROTHER OF THORGIER, THE PRIEST OF LJOSA WA TER" "WHO TOOK TO WIFE THURUNN, THE MOTHER OF THORKEL BRAGGART" "THE SLA YER OF GUDMUND THE POWERFUL" "WHO KNEW HOWAL, SON OF GEERNON, SON OF ERIK FROM VADALESC" "SON ARVAL GRISTLEBEARD, SON OF HARKEN" "WHO KILLED BJORTGUAARD IN SOCHNADALE IN NORWA Y" "OVER GUDREED, DAUGHTER OF THORKEL LONG" "THE SON OF KETTLE-TROUT" "THE HALF-SON OF HARVIYOUN HALF-TROLL" "FA THER OF INGBARE THE BRA VE" "WHO WED ISENBERT OF GOTTENBERG" "THE DAUGHTER OF HANGBARD THE FIERCE..." "Announcer:" "WEAPOLOGIZE FOR AN ERROR IN THE SAGA." "EVIDENTLY THORGIER, THE PRIEST OF LJOSA WA TER" "WHO TOOK TO WIFE THURUNN, THE MOTHER OF THORKEL BRAGGART" "THE SLA YER OF GUDMUND THE POWERFUL" "WHO KNEW HOWAL, SON OF GEERNON, SON OF ERIK FROM VADALESC..." "Narrator:" "WELL, I'M AFRAID WE'RE HA VING A LITTLE TROUBLE" "GETTING THIS VERY EXCITING ICELANDIC SAGA STARTED." "IFANY OF YOU AT HOME HA VEANY IDEAS" "ABOUT HOW TO GET THIS EXCITING SAGA STARTED AGAIN" "HERE'S THEADDRESS TO WRITE TO:" "HELP THE EXCITING ICELANDIC SAGA 18-B MacNORTEN BUILDINGS, OBAN." "HELLO, UM, WELL" "I WAS THE THIRD VOICE YOU HEARD JUST NOW." "UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT TERRIBLE MESS." "IT WASN'T ALL THAT TERRIBLE." "NO, NO, I MEANT TERRIBLE IN THE SENSE OF UNFORTUNATE." "OH." "ANYWAY, UM, OUR PLEA" "FOR ASSISTANCE HAS BEEN ANSWERED" "BY THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY" "WHO'VE GIVEN US SOME VERY USEFUL INFORMATION ABOUT THE SAGA" "AND SO WE CARRY ON NOW WITH "NJORL'S SAGA"" "WITH OUR THANKS GOING ONCE AGAIN" "TO THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY." "Narrator:" "ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR" "RODE OFF INTO THE DESOLATE PLAIN." "DA YAND NIGHT HE RODE" "LOOKING NEITHER TO RIGHT NOR LEFT" "STOPPING NEITHER FOR FOOD NOR REST." "12 DA YSAND NIGHTS HE RODE, THROUGH RAIN AND STORM" "THROUGH WIND AND SNOW" "BEYOND THE ENCHANTED WA TERFALL" "THROUGH THE ELFIN GLADES" "UNTIL HE REACHED HIS GOAL." "( dramatic chord )" "HE HAD FOUND THE RICH AND PLEASANT LAND" "BEYOND THE MOUNTAINS..." "THE LAND WHERE GOLDEN STREAMS" "SANG THEIR WA Y THROUGH FRESH, GREEN MEADOWS" "WHERE THERE WERE HALLSAND PALACES" "AN EXCELLENT SWIMMING POOL" "AND ONE OF THE MOSTATTRACTIVE" "BONUS INCENTIVE SCHEMES" "FOR INDUSTRIAL DEVELOPMENT IN THE CITY." "ONLY 15 MILES FROM EXCELLENT" "THAMES-SIDE DOCKING FACILITIES" "AND WITHIN EASY REACH OF THE PROPOSED M25." "HERE IT WAS THAT ERIC NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR" "MET THE MA YOR" "MR. ARTHUR HUDDINUT, A LOCAL SOLICITOR." "WELCOME TO NORTH MALDEN." "YES, EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO NORTH MALDEN" "BUT NONE MORE SO THAN THE BUSINESSMEN AND INVESTORS" "WHO SHAPE OUR SOCIETY OF THE FUTURE." "HERE AT NORTH MALDEN... ( continues talking )" "Announcer:" "AND WEAPOLOGIZE TO VIEWERS OF NJORL'S SAGA" "WHO MA Y BE CONFUSED" "BY SO MANY REFERENCES TO NORTH MALDEN." "AND AFTER A FRANK EXCHANGE OF VIEWS, WE HA VEAGREED" "TO CARRY ON SHOWING THIS VERSION SUPPLIED TO US" "BY THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY" "ON THE UNDERTAKING THAT FUTURE SCENES" "WILL ADHERE MORE CLOSEL Y" "TO THE SPIRIT OF 12th CENTURY ICELAND." "Narrator:" "WITH MOIST EYES, ERIC LEA VES THIS HAPPY LAND" "TO RETURN TO THE HARSH UNECONOMIC REALITIES" "OF LIFE IN THE LAND OF LJOSA WA TERS." "ON HIS WA Y, ERIC RESTED A WHILE" "IN THE LAND OF BJORNSSTRAND-- THE LAND OF DARK FORCES" "WHERE GILDOR WAS KING." "( dramatic chord )" "THESE WERE THE DUKES OF THE LAND OF BJORNSSTRAND." "PROUD WARRIORS WHO BORE ON THEIR CHESTS" "THE LETTERS OF THEIR DREAD NAME." "( phone ringing )" "Announcer:" "Uh, hello?" "Is that the North Malden Icelandic Society?" "Is that the North Malden Icelandic Society?" "It's about this saga." "Oh, yes, the Icelandic saga." "Yes." "Good, isn't it?" "Well, uh, well, I don't know but, I mean, you promised us that you would stick to the spirit of the original text." "Yes, that's right." "Well, I mean, a Lot of these things that are happening" "I mean, well, they just don't quite ring true." "Well, it's a new interpretation, really." "Well, we didn't want a new int..." "I mean, we wanted the proper thing." "I mean, just Look what's happening now." "Banners were a very important part of Icelandic Lore, Mr. Mills." "Well, then, I mean, no, no, I'm sorry." "I just can't accept that." "It's gone too far." "I'm very sorry, but we'll have to terminate the agreement." "Oh!" "Well, you're just trying to cash in on the BBC's exciting Icelandic saga." "That's business, Mr. Mills." "Well, that's as may be but it's not the way the BBC works." "Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way but, uh, you know, if you ever want to come to Malden... ( hangs up phone )" "( stirring music ) 8:00 IS A PEAK VIEWING HOUR" "SO NATURALLY, WE TEND TO STICK TO OUR COMEDY OUTPUT." "UNLESS, OF COURSE, THERE'S SPORT" "BECAUSE, OF COURSE, WE KNOW THIS IS POPULAR" "AND POPULARITY IS WHAT TELEVISION IS ABOUT." "QUITE FRANKLY, I'M SICK AND TIRED" "OF PEOPLE ACCUSING US OF BEING RATINGS CONSCIOUS." ""RATINGS CONSCIOUS"?" "TRANSMITTING BLAND GARBAGE, M'LORD." "MMM." "THANK YOU." "NOW I'M REALLY CHEESED OFF!" "I MEAN, IT'S NOT YOUR HIGHBROW, BLEEDING PLAYS" "THAT PULL IN THE VIEWERS, YOU KNOW." "THANK YOU." "I MEAN, JOE PUBLIC" "DOESN'T WANT TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH THREE HOURS" "OF DOCUMENTARIES EVERY EVENING." "THANK YOU." "HE WANTS TO SIT DOWN" "AND HE WANTS TO BE ENTERTAINED!" "HE DOESN'T WANT A LOAD OF..." "NO, REALLY!" "I'M ABSOLUTELY FED UP WITH IT!" "I REALLY AM!" "CASE DISMISSED." "( gavel pounding )" ""CASE DISMISSED," M'LORD?" "ALL RIGHT" " FIVE YEARS." "THANK YOU, M'LORD." "CALL THE NEXT CASE, PLEASE." "CALL ERIK NJORL" "SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR..." "CALL ERIK NJORL" "SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR..." "Third man:" "CALL ERIK NJORL" "SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR... ( all continue reading lineage )" "Third man:" "...THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND'S SON... ( choked-off exclamation )" "YOU ARE ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR..." "GET ON WITH IT." "WOULD YOU RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND?" "HE OBVIOUSLY CAN'T RAISE HIS RIGHT HAND" "YOU SILLY USHER PERSON." "CAN YOU RAISE YOUR RIGHT LEG, MR. NJORL?" "CAN YOU RAISE ANY PART OF YOUR BODY, MR. NJORL?" "I SEE." "WELL, WE'LL SKIP THAT." "WELL, JUST TAKE THE BOOK" "IN YOUR RIGHT HAND, MR. NJORL" "WITHOUT RAISING ANY PART OF YOUR BODY." "OH." "WHAT IS IT NOW" "YOU PERSISTENTLY SILLY USHER?" "HE CAN'T HOLD THE BIBLE, M'LORD." "OH, SCREW THE BIBLE!" "LET'S GET ON WITH THIS BLEEDING TRIAL!" "I'VE GOT A GAY LIB MEETING AT 6:00." "SUPERINTENDENT LUFTHANSA, WILL YOU PLEASE READ THE CHARGE?" "IS A CHARGE STRICTLY NECESSARY, M'LORD?" "THE PRESS IS HERE." "OH!" "OH, SORRY." "UM..." "RIGHT!" "HERE WE GO." "YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED:" "ONE, THAT YOU DID, ON OR ABOUT 1126" "CONSPIRE TO PUBLICIZE A LONDON BOROUGH" "IN THE COURSE OF A BBC SAGA;" "TWO, THAT YOU WERE" "WILLFULLY AND PERSISTENTLY A FOREIGNER;" "THREE, THAT YOU CONSPIRED TO DO THINGS" "NOT NORMALLY CONSIDERED ILLEGAL;" "FOUR, THAT YOU WERE CAUGHT IN POSSESSION" "OF AN OFFENSIVE WEAPON" "VIZ, THE BIG, BROWN TABLE DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION." "THE BIG, BROWN TABLE DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION?" "IT'S THE BEST WE COULD FIND, M'LORD." "AND FIVE:" "ALL TOGETHER NOW!" "AND FIVE:" "ALL TOGETHER NOW!" "THANK YOU!" "CALL POLICE CONSTABLE PAN-AM." "INTO THE WITNESS BOX" "CONSTABLE!" "THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT LATER ON." "NOW..." "YOU ARE POLICE CONSTABLE PAN-AM?" "NO!" "I DENY THAT TO THE LAST BREATH IN MY BODY!" "OH!" "SORRY." "YES." "POLICE CONSTABLE, DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE DEFENDANT?" "NO!" "NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE IN MY LIFE!" "OH!" "YES!" "YES!" "HE'S THE ONE!" "HE DONE IT!" "I'D RECOGNIZE HIM ANYWHERE." "SORRY, SUPER." "CONSTABLE, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL THE COURT" "IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHAT HAPPENED." "OH, YES!" "I WAS PROCEEDING IN A NORTHERLY DIRECTION" "UP ALITALIA STREET..." "WHEN I SAW THE DECEASED..." "STANDING AT AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW" "BARING HER BOSOM AT THE GENERAL PUBLIC." "SHE THEN TOOK OFF HER..." "WAIT A TICK!" "WRONG STORY." "OH, YES!" "THERE WERE THREE NUNS IN A RAILWAY COMPARTMENT" "AND THE TICKET IN..." "NO?" "ANYWAY, I CLEARLY SAW THE DECEASED..." "THE DEFENDANT!" "DEFENDANT!" "SORRY." "SORRY, SUPER." "I CLEARLY SAW THE DEFENDANT" "DOING WHATEVER HE'S ACCUSED OF" "UH, RED-HANDED." "WHEN KICKED, UH, CAUTIONED, HE SAID..." ""IT'S A FAIR..." "COP, I DONE IT ALL." "RIGHT." "NO..." "DOUBT ABOUT..." "THAT."" "THEN, BOUND AS HE WAS TO THE CHAIR" "HE ASSAULTED MYSELF" "AND THREE OTHER CONSTABLES" "WHILE BOUNCING AROUND THE CELL." "THE END." "THANK YOU, THANK YOU." "AND FOR MY NEXT PIECE OF EVIDENCE..." "I-I THINK YOU'D BETTER LEAVE IT THERE, CONSTABLE." "EXCELLENT EVIDENCE, CONSTABLE." "THANK YOU VERY MUCH." "NOW, MR. NJORL, WILL YOU TELL THE COURT, PLEASE" "WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF 1126?" "MOVE ANY PART OF YOUR BODY" "IF YOU WERE NORTH OF A LINE FROM THE HUMBER TO THE MERSEY." "IS HE IN THERE, DO YOU THINK?" "HELLO, HELLO, DEFENDANT?" "ARE YOU THERE?" "COO-EE!" "DEFENDANT?" "I THINK WE BETTER GO AND HAVE A LOOK, MAURICE." "DON'T CALL ME MAURICE IN COURT!" "ARE YOU IN THERE?" "MR. NJORL?" "( footsteps )" "THIS WAY, DAVIS." "HE'S NOT GETTING AWAY THIS TIME." "WE'LL GO DOWN THERE AND THROUGH THE LEFT LUNG." "IT WAS AROUND THE LEFT LUNG THAT... ( chuckling )" "ONCE AGAIN, I'VE PROVED TOO CLEVER FOR..." "Announcer:" "AND NOW, THE STOCK MARKET REPORT" "BY EXCHANGE TELEGRAPH." "TRADING WAS CRISP AT THE START OF THE DAY" "WITH SOME BRISK BUSINESS ON THE FLOOR." "RUBBER HARDENED, AND STRING REMAINED CONFIDENT." "LITTLE BITS OF TIN CONSOLIDATED" "ALTHOUGH BISCUITS SANK AFTER AN EARLY GAIN" "AND STOOLS REMAINED ANONYMOUS." "ARMPITS RALLIED WELL AFTER A POOR START." "NIPPLES ROSE DRAMATICALLY DURING THE MORNING" "BUT HAD DECLINED BY MID-AFTERNOON" "WHILE TEETH CLENCHED, AND BUTTOCKS REMAINED FIRM." "SMALL, DARK, FURRY THINGS INCREASED SEVERELY ON THE FLOOR" "WHILST RUDE JELLIES WOBBLED UP AND DOWN" "AND BOUNCED AGAINST RISING THIGHS" "WHICH HAD SPREAD TO ALL PARTS OF THE COUNTRY BY MID-AFTERNOON." "AFTER LUNCH, NAUGHTY THINGS DIPPED SHARPLY" "FORCING GIBLETS UPWARDS WITH THE NICKY NACKY NOO." "TING TANG TONG RANKLED DITHELY, LITTLE TIPPLES POOPED" "AND POPPY THINGS WENT PONG!" "GIBBLE GABBLE GOBBLE" "WENT THE RICKETY RACKETY ROO, AS THE..." "EH, THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO BE NORMAL." "( footsteps going downstairs )" "( door opening )" "( tuneless humming )" "HMM?" "( surprised exclamation )" "( grunting )" "HMM." "HELLO, MRS. PREMISE." "HELLO, MRS. CONCLUSION." "BUSY DAY?" "BUSY?" "I JUST SPENT FOUR HOURS" "BURYING THE CAT." "FOUR HOURS TO BURY A CAT?" "YES." "HE WOULDN'T KEEP STILL." "WRIGGLING ABOUT, HOWLING ITS HEAD OFF." "OH, IT WASN'T DEAD THEN?" "WELL, NO, NO." "BUT IT'S NOT AT ALL A WELL CAT." "SO AS WE WERE GOING AWAY FOR A FORTNIGHT'S HOLIDAY" "I THOUGHT I BETTER BURY IT JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE." "QUITE RIGHT." "YOU DON'T WANT TO COME BACK FROM SORRENTO TO A DEAD CAT." "IT WOULD BE SO ANTICLIMACTIC." "YES, KILL IT NOW." "THAT'S WHAT I SAY." "YES." "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE" "TO HAVE OUR BUDGIE PUT DOWN." "REALLY?" "IS HE VERY OLD?" "NO." "WE JUST DON'T LIKE IT." "WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT" "TO THE VET TOMORROW." "TELL ME, HOW DO THEY PUT BUDGIES DOWN THEN?" "WELL, IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT" "BUT I'VE JUST BEEN READING A GREAT BIG BOOK" "ABOUT HOW TO PUT YOUR BUDGIE DOWN" "AND APPARENTLY, YOU CAN EITHER HIT THEM WITH A BOOK" "OR YOU CAN SHOOT THEM JUST THERE" "JUST ABOVE THE BEAK." "JUST THERE?" "YES." "WELL, WELL, WELL." "OF COURSE, MRS. ESSENCE FLUSHED HERS" "DOWN THE LOO." "OH, NO, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT." "NO, THAT'S DANGEROUS." "YES, THEY BREED IN THE SEWERS" "AND EVENTUALLY YOU GET EVIL-SMELLING FLOCKS" "OF HUGE, SOILED BUDGIES" "FLYING OUT OF PEOPLE'S LAVATORIES" "INFRINGING THEIR PERSONAL FREEDOM." "GOOD MORNING, MRS. CUT-OUT." "MORNING, MRS. CUT-OUT." "IT'S A FUNNY THING, FREEDOM." "I MEAN" "HOW CAN ANY OF US BE REALLY FREE" "WHEN WE STILL HAVE PERSONAL POSSESSIONS?" "YOU CAN'T." "YOU CAN'T." "I MEAN, HOW CAN I GO OFF AND JOIN FRELIMO" "WHEN I'VE GOT NINE MORE INSTALLMENTS" "TO PAY ON THE FRIDGE?" "NO, YOU CAN'T." "YOU CAN'T." "WELL, THIS, OF COURSE, IS THE WHOLE CRUX" "OF JEAN-PAUL SARTRE'S ROADS TO FREEDOM." "NO, IT BLOODY ISN'T." "THE NUB OF THAT IS HIS CHARACTERS STAND" "FOR ALL OF US IN THEIR DESIRE TO AVOID ACTION." "MIND YOU, THE MAN AT THE OFF-LICENSE" "SAYS IT'S AN EVERYDAY STORY" "OF FRENCH COUNTRY FOLK." "WHAT DO THEY KNOW?" "NOTHING." "60 NEW PENCE FOR A BOTTLE OF MALTESE CLARET." "( scoffs ) I PERSONALLY THINK THAT" " OH, BEG YOUR PARDON" "I PERSONALLY THINK THAT JEAN-PAUL'S MASTERWORK" "IS AN ALLEGORY OF MAN'S SEARCH FOR COMMITMENT." "NO, IT ISN'T." "YES, IT IS." "'TISN'T!" "'TIS!" "NO, IT ISN'T!" "ALL RIGHT." "WE CAN SOON SETTLE THIS." "WE'LL ASK HIM." "DO YOU KNOW HIM?" "YES." "WE MET ON HOLIDAY LAST YEAR." "IN IBIZA?" "YES." "HE WAS STAYING THERE WITH HIS WIFE" "AND MR. AND MRS. GENET." "OH, I DID GET ON WELL WITH MADAM S." "WE WERE LIKE THAT." "WHAT WAS JEAN-PAUL LIKE?" "WELL, YOU KNOW, A BIT MOODY." "YES." "YES." "HE DIDN'T JOIN IN THE FUN MUCH." "JUST SAT THERE THINKING." "STILL, MR. ROTTER CAUGHT HIM A FEW TIMES" "WITH A WHOOPEE CUSHION." "LE CAPTITALISME ET LA BOURGEOISIE" "ILS SONT LA MEME CHOSE... ( imitates fart )" "OH, WE DID LAUGH." "OH, DEAR." "WELL, WE'LL GIVE HIM A TINKLE THEN." "YES, ALL RIGHT." "SHE SAID THEY WERE IN THE BOOK." "WHERE'S THE PARIS TELEPHONE DIRECTORY?" "IT'S ON THE DRYER." "NO, NO." "THAT'S BUDAPEST." "OH, HERE WE ARE." "SARTRE, SARTRE..." "IT'S 621036." "OH, THANK YOU, MRS. FARLEY." "HELLO?" "PARIS 621036, PLEASE." "AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, BUSTER." "Both:" "THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING" "TALL AND YOUNG AND TAN..." "HELLO." "HELLO, MRS. SARTRE." "IT'S BEULAGH PREMISE HERE." "OH, PARDON." "C'EST BEULAGH PREMISE ICI." "OUI, OUI, DANS IBIZA." "OUI." "WE MET..." "NOUS NOUS RECONTRONS AU HOTEL MIRAMAR." "OUI, A LA BARBEQUE, C'EST VRAI." "EST-CE QUEJEAN EST CHEZ VOUZ?" "OH, MERDE." "WHEN WILL HE BE FREE?" "OH, PARDON." "QUAND SERA T'IL LIBRE?" "( laughing )" "SHE SAYS HE'S SPENT THE LAST 60 YEARS" "TRYING TO WORK THAT ONE OUT." "OH, TREZAMUSANT, MADAME S." "OUI, ABSOLUMENT." "A BIENTOT." "WELL, HE'S OUT DISTRIBUTING PAMPHLETS TO THE MASSES" "BUT HE'LL BE IN AT 6:00." "OH, WELL, I'LL RING B.E.A. THEN." "OH, LOOK!" "PARIS!" "THAT'S NOT PARIS." "JEAN-PAUL WOULDN'T" "LIVE HERE." "IT'S A RIGHT OLD DUMP." "BUT THIS IS WHERE THEY WERE WRONG." "FOR THIS WAS NO OLD DUMP, BUT A TOWN WITH A FUTURE" "AN URBAN ELDORADO WHERE THE BUSINESSMAN OF TODAY CAN ENJOY" "THE FACILITIES OF TOMORROW IN THE COMFORT OF YESTERDAY." "PROVIDED BY A GO-GETTING, GO-AHEAD COUNCIL" "WHO KNOW JUST HOW LOUD MONEY CAN TALK." "INTEREST RATES..." "WELL, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS" "BUT WE HAD THE SAME TROUBLE" "WITH ONE OF OUR ICELANDIC SAGAS." "THESE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLY KEEN" "BUT THEY DO RATHER TEND TO TAKE OVER." "I THINK I'D STICK TO CARIBBEAN ISLANDS IF I WERE YOU." "FINE." "AND NOW, BACK TO THE SAGA." "( dramatic musicplaying )" "( music dwindles discordantly )" "( wind blowing )" "HERE" " THIS IS NOT PARIS." "THIS IS ICELAND." "OH..." "WELL." "PARIS MUST BE OVER THERE THEN." "OH." "( both singing ):" "THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING... ( accordion musicplaying )" "OOH, HERE WE ARE." "NUMBER 25." "OH, YES." "FLAT ONE" "YVES MONTAND, FLAT THREE, JACQUES COUSTEAU" "FLAT FOUR, JEAN GENET AND FRIEND..." "Both:" "OOH, YES." "FLAT FIVE, MAURICE LAROUX." "WHO'S HE?" "NEVER HEARD OF HIM." "FLAT SIX, MARCEL MARCEAU" "WALKING AGAINST THE WIND, LIMITED." "FLAT SEVEN, INDIRA GANDHI." "SHE GETS ABOUT A BIT, DOESN'T SHE?" "YES." "YES." "FLAT EIGHT, JEAN-PAUL AND BETTY-MURIEL SARTRE." "( buzzing )" "Woman:" "Oui?" "C'EST NOUS, BETTY-MURIEL." "EXCUSEZ QUE NOUS SOMMES EN RETARD." "Entrez." "OUI, MERCI." "...Mais je suis forte... ( man coughing )" "( knocking )" "OH, RUBBISH." "BONJOUR." "PARLEZ VOUZANGLAIS?" "OH, YES." "GOOD DAY." "HELLO, LOVE." "HOW ARE YOU?" "THIS IS MRS. CONCLUSION FROM NUMBER 46." "OH, NICE TO MEET YOU, DEAR." "HELLO." "HOW'S THE OLD MAN BEEN?" "OH, DON'T ASK." "HE'S IN ONE OF HIS BLEEDING MOODS." "THE BOURGEOISIE THIS, IT'S THE BOURGEOISIE THAT." "HE'S LIKE A LITTLE CHILD SOMETIMES." "( coughs )" "I WAS ONLY TELLING THE RANIERS THE OTHER DAY" "OF COURSE, HE'S ALWAYS RUDE TO THEM" "ONLY CLASSY FRIENDS WE GOT" "I WAS SAYING, "SOLIDARITY WITH THE MASSES"" "I SAID, "PIE IN THE SKY."" "( laughing )" "OOH, YOU'RE NOT A MARXIST, ARE YOU, MRS. CONCLUSION?" "NO, I'M A REVISIONIST." "OH, GOOD." "I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS PLACE!" "I'M AT MY WITS' END" "REVOLUTIONARY LEAFLETS EVERYWHERE." "ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'LL REVOLUTIONARY LEAFLETS HIM." "( laughing )" "IF IT WASN'T FOR THE GOAT" "YOU COULDN'T GET IN HERE FOR PROPAGANDA." "WELL, VERY WELL." "CAN WE, UH, POP IN" "AND HAVE A WORD WITH HIM?" "YES, COME ALONG." "THANK YOU." "BUT BE CAREFUL." "HE'S HAD A FEW." "OH." "MIND YOU, HE'S GOOD AS GOLD IN THE MORNING" "I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM" "BUT COME LUNCHTIME, IT'S A BOTTLE OF VIN ORDINAIRE." "SIX GLASSES AND HE'S READY TO AGITATE." "UH, COO-EE!" "JEAN-PAUL?" "JEAN-PAUL?" "AH, IT'S ONLY US." "OH, PARDON, C'ESTMEME NOUS." "Jean-PauL:" "OUI." "JEAN-PAUL, YOUR FAMOUS TRILOGY, RUESA LIBERTE" "IS IT AN ALLEGORY OF MAN'S SEARCH FOR COMMITMENT?" "OUI." "TOLD YOU SO." "OH, COITUS." "TODAY, WE LOOK AT A VANISHING RACE" "A PROBLEM PEOPLE WHO ARE FAST DISAPPEARING" "OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH..." "A RACE WHO ONE MIGHT SAY ARE LOSING A WINNING BATTLE." "THEY LIVE IN A SUNSHINE PARADISE" "A CARIBBEAN DREAM WHERE ONLY REALITY IS MISSING..." "FOR THIS IS WHICKER ISLAND..." "AN ISLAND INHABITED ENTIRELY BY EX-INTERNATIONAL INTERVIEWERS" "IN PURSUIT OF THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM." "THE WHOLE PROBLEM OF WHICKER ISLAND" "IS HERE IN A NUTSHELL." "THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY WHICKERS." "THE LIGHT-WEIGHT SUITS..." "THE OLD SCHOOL TIES..." "THE PRACTICED VOICE OF THE SEASONED CAMPAIGNER..." "CANNOT HIDE THE BASIC TRAGEDY HERE." "THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH RICH PEOPLE LEFT" "TO INTERVIEW." "YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS" "AND SO YOU FIND THEM..." "SITTING BESIDE ELEGANT SWIMMING POOLS..." "SIPPING MARTINIS..." "AND WAITING FOR THE INEVITABLE INTERVIEW." "I TALKED TO THE ISLAND'S ONLY WHITE MAN, FATHER PIERRE." "FATHER PIERRE, WHY DID YOU STAY ON" "IN THIS COLONIAL CAMPARI-LAND" "WHERE THE CLINK OF GLASSES MINGLES" "WITH THE MURMUR OF A MILLION MOSQUITOES" "WHERE WATERFALLS OF WHISKY WASH AWAY THE WORRIES" "OF A WORLD-WEARY WHICKER" "WHERE GIN AND TONICS JINGLE IN A GYROSCOPIC JUBILEE" "OF SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH "J"?" "FATHER PIERRE, WHY DID YOU STAY ON HERE?" "WELL..." "MAINLY FOR THE INTERVIEWS." "WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT." "A CRUMBLING..." "EMPIRE IN THE SUN-DRENCHED..." "CARIBBEAN, WHERE THE CLICHES SPARKLE ON THE WATERS..." "LIKE THE MUSIC OF REPEAT FEES..." "AND SO..." "FROM WHICKER ISLAND..." "IT'S..." "FARE..." "WELL, AND..." "BON..." "VOY..." "AGE." "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "( stirring musicplaying )" "Narrator 2:" "WHO, A YEAR AGO, HAD HEARD OFMR." "AND MRS. BRIAN NORRIS" "OF37 GLEDHILL GARDENS, PARSONS GREEN?" "AND YET, THEIR EPICJOURNEY IN EBW343 HAS SET THEM" "ALONGSIDE THOR HEYERDAHL AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY." "STARTING ONLY WITH A THEORY, MR. NORRIS SET OUT TO PROVE" "THAT THE INHABITANTS OF HOUNSLOW" "COULD HA VE BEEN DESCENDANTS OF THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON" "WHO HAD MADE THE GREAT TREK NORTH." "NO NEWCOMER TO THIS FIELD" "MR. NORRIS' A SHORT HISTORY OF MOTOR TRAFFIC" "BETWEEN PURLEY AND ESHER" "HAD BECOMEA MINOR CLASSIC IN THE CAR-SWAPPING BEL T." "BUT WHY WOULD THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON GO TO HOUNSLOW?" "MR. NORRIS HAD NOTICED THREE THINGS:" "FIRSTL Y, THE SIMILARITY OF HOUSES,:" "SECONDL Y, THE SIMILARITY OF COSTUME" "BETWEEN HOUNSLOWAND SURBITON,:" "AND THIRDL Y, THE SIMILARITY OF SPEECH." "ARE YOU STILL RUNNING THE G.D.B.D.M.D.B.?" "AH, YES, BUT I'VE HAD THE EXCESS NIPPLES WOPPLED" "TO REMOVE TAMPING." "JOLLY GOOD." "WERE THESEJUST COINCIDENCES" "OR WERE THEY, AS MR. NORRIS BELIEVED" "PART OFAN IDENTICAL CUL TURAL BACKGROUND?" "ONE FURTHER DISCOVERY CONVINCED HIM:" "THE LAWNMOWER." "SURELY SUCH A SOPHISTICATED HOUSEHOLD GADGET" "COULD NOT HA VE BEEN GENERA TED INDEPENDENTL Y" "IN TWO SEPARA TEAREAS." "MR. NORRIS WAS CONVINCED." "Norris:" "I'M CONVINCED." "Narrator:" "BUT HOW TO PROVE IT?" "BUT HOW TO PROVE IT?" "THERE WAS ONLY ONE WA Y TO SEE IF THEJOURNEY" "BETWEEN SURBITON AND HOUNSLOW WAS POSSIBLE" "AND THAT WAS TO TRYAND MAKE IT." "MONTHS OF PREPARA TION FOLLOWED" "WHILE MR. NORRIS CONTINUED HIS RESEARCH" "IN THE PUTNEY PUBLIC LIBRARY" "AND MRS. NORRIS MADE SANDWICHES." "FINALLY, BYAPRIL" "THEY WERE READY." "ON THE 23rd, MR. AND MRS. NORRIS SET OUT" "FROM ABIDE-A-WEE TO MOTOR THE 15 MILES TO SURBITON" "WA TCHED BYA CROWD OF LOCAL WELL-WISHERS." "THAT EVENING, THEY DINED AT TOOTING." "THIS WOULD BE THE LAST THEY'D SEE OF CIVILIZA TION." "MR. NORRIS' DIARY FOR THE 23rd REVEALS" "THE EXTRAORDINARY CALMNESS" "AND DEEP INNER PEACEFULNESS OF HIS MIND." "Norris:" "7:30" " FED CAT." "8:00" " BREAKFAST." "8:30" " YES, (SUCCESSFULLY)." "9:00" " SET OUT ON HISTORICJOURNEY." "Narrator:" "ON THE MORNING OF THE 24th, EARLY TO A VOID THE TRAFFIC" "MR. NORRIS' HISTORIC EXPEDITION SET OUT FROM SURBITON" "DESTINA TION HOUNSLOW." "EARLY ON, THEY BEGAN TO PERCEIVE ENCOURAGING SIGNS." "THE WRITING ON THE SIGN WASALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME" "AS THE WRITING IN THEA.A. BOOK." "THEY WERE ON THE RIGHT ROUTE." "DURING THE LONG HOURS OF THE VOYAGE" "MR. NORRIS' WIFE BETTY" "KEPTA COMPLETE PHOTOGRAPHIC RECORD" "AND MADE SANDWICHES." "THIS IS SOME OF THE UNIQUE FOOTAGE" "WHICH MRS. NORRIS GOT BACK FROM THE CHEMIST'S." "MILE SUCCEEDED MILE" "AND THE TERRIFIC STRAIN WAS BEGINNING TO TELL" "WHEN SUDDENL Y..." "BYAN AMAZING STROKE OF LUCK" "MR. NORRIS HAD COME ACROSS THE KINGSTON BYPASS." "THIS WAS SOMETHING TO TELL THE ROUND TABLE." "AT THIS STAGE, MR. NORRIS WAS FACED" "WITH TWO MAJOR DIVERGENT THEORIES" "CONCERNING HIS SURBITON ANCESTORS" "DID THEY TAKE THE KINGSTON BYPASS" "TURNING LEFTAT BARNES" "OR DID THEY STRIKE WEST" "UP THEA308 VIA NORBITON TO HAMPTON WICK?" "BOTH THESE THEORIES RUN UP AGAINST ONE BIG OBSTACLE:" "THE THAMES" "LYING LIKEA SIL VER TURD BETWEEN RICHMOND AND ISLEWORTH." "THIS WASA MAJOR SETBACK." "HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY CROSS THE RIVER?" "SEVERAL HOURS OF THOUGHT PRODUCED NOTHING." "THERE WAS ONLY ONE FLASK OF COFFEE LEFT" "WHEN SUDDENL Y MR. NORRIS SPOTTED SOMETHING." "COULD THIS HA VE BEEN THE METHOD USED?" "HARDLY DARING TO BELIEVE" "MR. NORRIS LED HIS EXPEDITION ON TO THE 3:47." "40 MINUTES LATER, VIA CLAPHAM" "FULHAM, CHISWICKAND BRENTFORD, THEYAPPROACHED THEIR GOAL:" "HOUNSLOW." "WAS THIS THEN THE FINAL PROOF?" "SOMETHING AROUSED THEACCOUNTANT'S INSTINCT" "VERY DEEP IN MR. NORRIS' MAKEUP." "THEJOURNEY WAS POSSIBLE, AND YET..." ""WRONG-WA Y" NORRIS HAD ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED ON" "A PIECE OFANTHROPOLOGICAL HISTORY." "IT WAS THE INHABITANTS OF HOUNSLOW" "WHO HAD MADE THE GREAT TREK SOUTH" "TO THE SUNNIER PASTURES OF SURBITON" "AND NOT VICE VERSA, AS HE HAD ORIGINALLY SURMISED." "THIS WAS THE SECRET OF SURBITON." "HAPPYAND CONTENTED, MR. NORRIS RETURNED" "TO THE CALMER WA TERS OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY" "FOR, IN HIS WA Y, "WRONG-WA Y" NORRIS WAS RIGHT." "AND NOW..." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "( music ends with raspberry )" "KNOCK, ENTER AND APPROACH." "( knocking )" "RIGHT." "IT'S COME TO MY NOTICE THAT CERTAIN BOYS" "HAVE BEEN RUNNING A UNIT-TRUST LINKED ASSURANCE SCHEME" "WITH FRINGE BENEFITS AND FULL CASH-IN ENDOWMENT FACILITIES." "APPARENTLY, SMALL INVESTORS WERE ATTRACTED" "BY THE WIDE-RANGING PORTFOLIO" "AND THAT IN THE FIRST WEEK" "THE LIMITED OFFER WAS OVERSUBSCRIBED EIGHT TIMES." "IT WAS TIDWELL'S IDEA, SIR." "SHUT UP, STEBBINS." "I HAVEN'T FINISHED." "OH, BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING" "THE ITALIAN GRAND PRIX AT MONZA." "THANK YOU, SIR." "SHUT UP." "NOW THEN, THIS SORT" "OF EXTRACURRICULAR CAPITALIST EXPANSION" "HAS GOT TO STOP." "I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR" "WHEN POTTER TRIED TO GO PUBLIC LAST TERM" "THAT THESE MASSIVE STOCK EXCHANGE DEALS" "MUST NOT HAPPEN IN BIG SCHOOL." "IS THAT CLEAR, BALDERSTON?" "YES, SIR." "OH, AND BALDERSTON, NEXT TIME YOU DO" "A "PANORAMA" REPORT ON THE BLACK GHETTOS" "YOU MUST GET AN EXEAT FORM FROM MR. DIBLEY." "SORRY, SIR." "SHUT UP, AND STOP SLOUCHING." "NOW, THE REASON I'VE CALLED YOU IN HERE TODAY" "IS THAT MY WIFE IS HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH HER, UH..." "WITH HER WATERWORKS, AND, UH..." "I THINK SHE NEEDS A BIT OF ATTENTION." "NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE SURGEON?" "COME ON, I KNOW ONE OF YOU IS." "NOW, WHICH ONE IS IT?" "AH, TIDWELL." "GOOD." "WELL, I WANT YOU TO CUT ALONG" "HAVE A LOOK AT THE WIFE." "OH, SIR, WHY DON'T YOU ASK STEBBINS?" "HE'S A GYNECOLOGIST." "OH, YOU ROTTEN STINKER, TIDWELL!" "SHH." "IS THIS TRUE, STEBBINS?" "ARE YOU A GYNECOLOGIST?" "Stebbins:" "YES, SIR." "RIGHT." "JUST THE MAN." "HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE?" "30 GUINEAS, SIR." "EXCELLENT." "RIGHT." "I WANT YOU" "TO GO ALONG TO SEE THE WIFE." "GIVE HER A FULL EXAMINATION." "LET ME KNOW THE RESULTS BY THE END OF BREAK." "AND DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE!" "( sprightly theme music playing )" "HELLO." "HELLO." "WELL, LAST WEEK WE SHOWED YOU" "HOW TO BECOME A GYNECOLOGIST" "AND THIS WEEK ON HOW TO DO IT" "WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE" "HOW TO SPLIT AN ATOM" "HOW TO CONSTRUCT A BOX GIRDER BRIDGE" "HOW TO IRRIGATE THE SAHARA DESERT" "AND MAKE VAST NEW AREAS OF LAND CULTIVATABLE." "BUT, FIRST, HERE'S JACKIE TO TELL YOU ALL" "HOW TO RID THE WORLD OF ALL KNOWN DISEASES." "HELLO, ALAN." "HELLO, JACKIE." "WELL, FIRST OF ALL, BECOME A DOCTOR" "AND DISCOVER A MARVELOUS CURE FOR SOMETHING" "AND THEN WHEN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION" "REALLY STARTS TO TAKE NOTICE OF YOU" "YOU CAN JOLLY WELL TELL THEM WHAT TO DO" "AND MAKE SURE THEY GET EVERYTHING RIGHT" "SO THERE'LL NEVER BE ANY DISEASES EVER AGAIN." "THANKS, JACKIE." "GREAT IDEA." "HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE." "WELL, HERE WE ARE." "UM, YOU BLOW THERE" "AND YOU MOVE YOUR FINGERS UP AND DOWN HERE." "GREAT..." "GREAT, ALAN." "WELL, NEXT WEEK WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU" "HOW BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE CAN LIVE TOGETHER" "IN PEACE AND HARMONY" "AND ALAN WILL BE OVER IN MOSCOW" "SHOWING US HOW TO RECONCILE THE RUSSIANS AND THE CHINESE." "SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, CHEERIO." "BYE." "BYE." "BYE-BYE." "( theme musicplaying )" "OH, YES, HE'S SUCH A CLEVER LITTLE BOY" "JUST LIKE HIS FATHER." "OH, DO YOU THINK SO, MRS. NIGGER-BAITER?" "OH, YES." "SPITTING IMAGE." "MMM!" "AFTERNOON, MOTHER." "AFTERNOON, MRS. NIGGER-BAITER." "OOH, HE'S WALKING ALREADY." "YES, HE'S SUCH A CLEVER LITTLE BOY." "COOCHY-COOCHY-COO!" "HELLO, COOCHY-COO!" "HELLO, COOCHY-COOCHY!" "HELLO!" "LOOK AT HIM" "LAUGHING!" "HE'S A CHIRPY LITTLE FELLOW, ISN'T HE?" "ISN'T HE A CHIRPY LITTLE FELLOW, EH?" "DOES HE TALK?" "DOES HE TALK, EH?" "OF COURSE I CAN TALK." "I'M MINISTER FOR OVERSEAS DEVELOPMENT." "OOH, HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY!" "HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY!" "DO YOU LIKE YOUR RATTLE, EH?" "DO YOU LIKE YOUR RATTLE?" "LOOK AT HIS EYES FOLLOWING IT, EH." "LOOK AT HIS IGGY-PIGGY-PIGGY LITTLE EYEBALLS." "OOH, HE'S GOT A TUBBY TUM-TUM." "OOH, HE'S GOT A TUBBY TUM-TUM!" "MOTHER, COULD I HAVE A QUICK CUP OF TEA, PLEASE?" "I HAVE AN IMPORTANT STATEMENT ON RHODESIA" "TO MAKE IN THE COMMONS AT 6:00." "( explosion )" "OH, MRS. NIGGER-BAITER'S EXPLODED!" "GOOD THING, TOO." "SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND." "OH, MOTHER, DON'T BE SO SENTIMENTAL." "THINGS EXPLODE EVERY DAY." "YES, I SUPPOSE SO." "ANYWAY, I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE HER THAT MUCH." "( doorbell ringing )" "OOH." "HELLO." "I'M YOUR NEW VICAR." "CAN I INTEREST YOU IN ANY ENCYCLOPEDIAS?" "OH, NO." "THANK YOU." "WE'RE NOT CHURCH PEOPLE." "THANK YOU." "HOW ABOUT BRUSHES?" "NYLON OR BRISTLE?" "STRONG-TUFTED, ATTRACTIVE COLORS." "NO." "REALLY, THANK YOU, VICAR." "OH, DEAR." "TURKEY?" "CUP FINAL TICKETS?" "NO, NO." "REALLY, WE'RE JUST NOT RELIGIOUS." "THANK YOU." "OH, WELL." "BYE-BYE." "BYE-BYE, VICAR." "REMEMBER, IF YOU DO WANT ANYTHING:" "JEWELRY, ASCOT, WATER HEATERS..." "THANK YOU, VICAR." "( sniffing )" "IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT, HOW..." "HOW YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN JUST BLOW UP LIKE THAT?" "YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS MEDICALLY POSSIBLE, WOULD YOU?" "THIS IS WHERE MRS. SHAZAM WAS SO WRONG." "EXPLODING IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL MEDICAL PHENOMENON." "IN MANY FIELDS OF MEDICINE NOWADAYS" "A DOSE OF DYNAMITE CAN DO A WORLD OF GOOD." "FOR INSTANCE, ATHLETE'S FOOT-- AN IRRITATING CONDITION" "CAN BE CURED BY APPLYING A SMALL CHARGE OF TNT" "BETWEEN EACH TOE... ( doorbell ringing )" "EXCUSE ME." "HELLO." "I'M YOUR NEW VICAR." "CAN I INTEREST YOU" "IN ANY OF THESE WATCHES, PENS OR BIROS?" "NO." "I'M NOT RELIGIOUS, I'M AFRAID." "OH." "SOUVENIRS, BADGES" "LITTLE NODDY DOG FOR THE BACK OF THE CAR?" "NO." "THANK YOU, VICAR." "GOOD MORNING." "NOW, MANY OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION" "ARE SKEPTICAL ABOUT MY WORK." "THEY POINT TO MY RECORD" "OF TREATMENT OF ATHLETE'S FOOT SUFFERERS:" "84 DEAD, 65 SEVERELY WOUNDED AND 12 MISSING, BELIEVED CURED." "BUT THEN, PEOPLE LAUGHED AT BOB HOPE." "THEY LAUGHED AT MY WIFE" "WHEN SHE WRAPPED HERSELF UP IN GREASE-PROOF PAPER" "AND HOPPED INTO THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE." "BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT PASTEUR WAS WRONG." "LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN." "WATCH IT, MATE." "I'M NOT GOING TO STAND AROUND HERE" "GETTING POKED AND PRODDED ALL DAY." "I'M OFF." "I'VE GOT A DECENT BODY." "ALL I GET IS POKED AND PRODDED IN THE CHEST." "WELL, I'M OFF." "I'M GOING TO GET ANOTHER LINE OF WORK." "Man 1:" "WA TCH IT!" "Man 2:" "DON'T GO ANY FURTHER!" "TURN BACK!" "STOP!" "STOP!" "PLEASE!" "OH, STOP!" "( yelling )" "OH, MY GOD!" "HE'S FALLEN OFF THE EDGE OF THE CARTOON!" "Man 3:" "WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT LINK." "JOHN COBBLEY IS THE MUSICAL AND ARTISTIC DIRECTOR" "OF COVENT GARDEN." "HE IS HIMSELF A TALENTED MUSICIAN" "HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS AUTHORITY ON 19th CENTURY RUSSIAN MUSIC" "AND HE'S COME INTO THE STUDIO TONIGHT" "TO TALK ABOUT TSCHAIKOWSKY..." "WHICH IS A BIT OF A PITY" "AS THIS IS FARMING CLUB." "AND ON FARMING CLUB TONIGHT" "WE'LL BE TAKING A LOOK" "AT THE MINISTRY'S LATEST PREVENTATIVE PROPOSALS" "TO DEAL WITH POSSIBLE OUTBREAKS OF FOOT-AND-MOUTH." "WE'LL BE TALKING LATER ON" "TO THE MAN WHO BELIEVES THAT MILK YIELDS" "CAN BE INCREASED DRAMATICALLY" "BUT FIRST, A FARMING CLUB SPECIAL:" ""THE LIFE OF TSCHAIKOWSKY."" "( Tschaikowsky's First Piano Concerto playing )" "TSCHAIKOWSKY-- WAS HE THE TORTURED SOUL" "WHO POURED OUT HIS IMMORTAL LONGINGS" "INTO DIGNIFIED PASSAGES OF STATELY MUSIC" "OR WAS HE JUST AN OLD POOF WHO WROTE TUNES?" "TONIGHT, ON FARMING CLUB" "WE'RE GOING TO TAKE AN INTIMATE LOOK AT TSCHAIKOWSKY" "AND AN INTIMATE LOOK AT HIS FRIENDS." "INCIDENTALLY, BBC PUBLICATIONS" "HAVE PREPARED A SPECIAL PAMPHLET" "TO GO WITH THIS PROGRAM CALLED HELLO, PIANIST" "AND IT CONTAINS MATERIAL" "WHICH SOME PEOPLE MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE" "BUT WHICH IS REALLY SMASHING." "PETER ILYTCH TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS BORN IN 1840" "IN A KEN RUSSELL FILM JUST OUTSIDE ST." "PETERSBURG." "HIS FATHER LEO McKERN-- A FREELANCE BISHOP" "WAS MARRIED TO VERA PLACHENKA-- JULIE CHRISTIE" "BUT SECRETLY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH MARGO FARENKA" "SHIRLEY ABICAIR" "AND THE STRANGELY FLATULENT MADAME RANEVSKY" "NORRIS McWHIRTER." "SOON, HOWEVER, THE FAMILY" "ELDRIDGE CLEAVER, MOIRA LISTER AND STAN THE BAT" "MOVED TO THE NEIGHBORING INDUSTRIAL VILLAGE OF OMSK" "EDDIE WARING" "WHERE THEY SOON FOUND THEMSELVES, SADLY" "QUITE UNABLE TO COPE-- ANTHONY BARBER." "IN 1863, HOWEVER, TSCHAIKOWSKY" "WAS SENT TO MOSCOW TO STUDY THE PIANO" "AND WHEN HE'D FINISHED THAT" "THE LIVING ROOM." "MAURICE TAKES UP THE STORY." "WELL, GUESS WHAT?" "THE VERY NEXT THING HE DID" "WAS TO GO TO THIS EXTRAORDINARY, BUT EXTRAORDINARY DUCKETY-POOS" "SEMI-MONDRIAN HOUSE IN ROBIN, RUSSIA." "HARRY HERE TAMMY TSCHAIKOWSKY" "WROTE SOME OF THE MOST SAMMY SUPER SYMPHONIES" "YOU'VE EVER HENRY HEARD IN THE WHOLE OF YOUR LILY LIFE." "SHE WAS SUCH A GOOD COMPOSER" "THAT EVERYBODY, BUT EVERYBODY, WANTED TO KNOW" "AND QUITE RIGHT, TOO" "'CAUSE SHE WROTE SOME LOVELY BITS" "SUCH AS "SALLY SLEEPING BEAUTY," "PATSY PATHETIQUE"" ""ADRIAN 1812," AND LOTS OF CONNIE CONCERTI" "FOR VERA VIOLIN AND PETER PIANO FANNY FORTE." "BUT WHAT DO WE REALLY KNOW OF THIS TORTURED PONCE?" "WELL, IF YOU CAN IMAGINE THE SIZE OF NELSON'S COLUMN" "WHICH IS ROUGHLY THREE TIMES THE SIZE OF A LONDON BUS" "THEN TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS MUCH SMALLER." "HIS HEAD WAS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE" "AS THAT OF AN EXTREMELY LARGE DOG" "THAT IS TO SAY, TWO VERY SMALL DOGS" "OR FOUR VERY LARGE HAMSTERS, OR ONE MEDIUM-SIZED RABBIT" "IF YOU COUNT THE WHOLE OF THE BODY" "AND NOT JUST THE HEAD." "UH, ROBIN?" "UH, THANK YOU." "WELL, HERE'S A THREE-STAGE MODEL OF TSCHAIKOWSKY." "HERE YOU SEE THE LEGS, USED FOR WALKING AROUND" "AND WHICH CAN BE JETTISONED AT NIGHT" "AND, UM, THIS IS THE MAIN TRUNK" "THE POWERHOUSE OF THE WHOLE THING" "INCORPORATING, OF COURSE, THE NAUGHTY BITS" "WHICH WERE EXTREMELY NAUGHTY FOR HIS TIME" "AND THE WHOLE THING IS SUBSERVIENT" "TO THIS SMALL COMMAND MODULE:" "THE, AS IT WERE, HEAD OF THE WHOLE, AS IT WERE, BODY." "ROBIN?" "PETER?" "SIMON." "MAURICE." "ME." "WELL..." "POOR PET, SHE WAS LIKE A LOST LAMB IN AN ABATTOIR." "EVENTUALLY, SHE DICKIE DIED OF COLIN CHOLERA" "IN ST." "PATSY PETERSBURG, IN GERTIE GREAT PERCY PAIN." "Narrator:" "HERE TO PLA Y TSCHAIKOWSKY'S" "FIRST PIANO CONCERTO IN B-FLAT MINOR" "IS THE WORLD-FAMOUS SOLOIST SVIA TOSLA V RICHTER." "( applause )" "DURING THE PERFORMANCE" "HE WILL ESCAPE FROM A SACK, THREE PADLOCKS" "AND A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS." "( orchestra playing concerto )" "( playing piano )" "( music stops )" "( fanfare playing )" "( cheering and applause )" "( jolly showbiz musicplaying )" "GOOD EVENING." "THIS NEW SERIES OF TRIM-JEANS THEA TRE PRESENTS" "WILL ENABLE YOU TO ENJOY THE POETRY OF T.S. ELIOT" "WHILST LOSING UNSIGHTLY TUMMY BULGE." "JEAN." "WELL, YES, AND THE INCHES STAY OFF." "MARK?" "TERRIFIC." "THRILL TO THOMAS A BECKET'S" "KIERKEGAARDIAN MOMENT OF CHOICE" "WHILST MAKING YOUR PHYSIQUE TIGHTER, FIRMER, NEATER." "I AM HERE!" "NO TRAITOR TO THE KING." "ABSOLVE ALL THOSE" "YOU HAVE EXCOMMUNICATED." "RESIGN THOSE POWERS" "YOU HAVE ABROGATED." "RENEW THE OBEDIENCE" "YOU HAVE VIOLATED." "LOSE INCHES" "OFF YOUR HIPS, THIGHS" "BUTTOCKS AND ABDOMEN." "A TERRIFIC PRODUCT." "TERRIFIC!" "AND THIS COMES COMPLETE" "WITH THE MOST REVOLUTIONARY GUARANTEE" "IN SLENDERIZING HISTORY." "Narrator:" "THIS WAS KEVIN FRANCIS BEFORE LAST SEASON'S" "TRIM-JEANS' PLA Y OF THE MONTH PRODUCTION" "OF THE SEAGULL BYANTON CHEKHOV" "AND THE SAUNA BEL T TRIM-JEAN COMPANY, LIMITED." "SEE?" "KEVIN HAS SLIPPED INTO HIS SLENDERIZING GARMENT" "AND IS INFLA TING IT WITH THE HANDY LITTLE PUMP PROVIDED." "THREEACTSAND A FEW SPECIAL TORSO EXERCISES LATER" "KEVIN" " AS TRIGORIN" "THE FAILED WRITER OF SENTIMENTAL ROMANCES" "HAS LOST OVER 33 INCHES." "WOW!" "WHATA DIFFERENCE." "THATANTON CHEKHOV CAN CERTAINLY WRITE." "TERRIFIC." "TERRIFIC." "YES, WHY NOT JOIN US" "FOR A SEASON OF CLASSIC PLAYS" "AND RAPID SLENDERIZING." "ENJOY SIR JOHN GIELGUD AND SIR RALPH RICHARDSON" "LOSING A TOTAL OF 15 INCHES IN DAVID STOREY'S HOME." "ENJOY THE TRIM GENTLEMEN OF VERONA" "AND LONG DA Y'SJOURNEY INTO NIGHT" "WHILE INCHES MELT AWAY." "ENJOY GLENDA JACKSON WITH A CONSTANT SNUG FIT" "AND SOLID SUPPORT IN ALL FOUR AREAS." "OTHER PRODUCTIONS WILL INCLUDE:" "TREASURE ISLAND" "SWAN LAKE" "THE LIFEAND LOVES OF TOULOUSE-LAUTREC" "AND THE TRIM- JEANS' VERSION" "OF THE GREAT ESCAPE" "WITH A CAST OF THOUSANDS" "LOSING WELL OVER 1,500 INCHES." "( theme from The Great Escape playing )" "WAS IST DAS?" "!" "ACHTUNG!" "ACHTUNG!" "HALT!" "HALT!" "( gunshots )" "HALT!" "( gunshots continue )" "( dramatic musicplaying )" "WASN'T THAT TERRIFIC, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?" "REALLY GREAT." "NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON THE PROGRAM IS..." "I CAN'T STAND IT, MAN." "REALLY NOT." "I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS IDIOT" "EVERY NIGHT MAKING ME SAY THE MOST INANE..." "REALLY TERRIFIC ACT." "NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON..." "I'M OFF." "GONE." "( mumbling )" "( mumbling )" "( mumbling )" "I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF..." "IF HE FEELS THE SAME WAY I FEEL, MAN... ( hiccups )" "( hammering )" "( muffled voice )" "( muffled voice )" "( dance musicplaying )" "( music stops )" "( hatch clanking )" "( man with German accent ):" "WELCOME ABOARD, BRITISHER PIG." "QUITE A LITTLE SURPRISE, JA?" "( chortling )" "BUT PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO TELL US ALL YOU KNOW" "ABOUT CERTAIN ALLIED SHIPPING ROUTES, JA?" "( slapping )" "COME ON, TALK!" "( man with British accent ):" "HELLO, FRITZ." "THE TABLES SEEM TO HAVE TURNED, OLD CHAP." "LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE A BIT OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, EH?" "( slapping )" "COME ON, FRITZ, NOW TELL US-- TELL US ABOUT... ( man with Chinese accent ):" "AH, GLEETINGS, CAPITALIST DOG." "VERY SORRY, BUT MUST INFORM YOU" "THAT YOU ARE NOW PRISONER OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC." "Man 2:" "I'M VERY SORRY, COMRADE COMMANDO" "BUT I HAVE JUST PICKED UP" "A CAPITALIST SHIP ON RADAR SCANNER." "( mumbling )" "( ship horn blowing )" "( suspenseful musicplaying )" "( over P.A. system: ) This is your captain speaking." "There is no need for panic." "Women and children first." "I repeat that:" "Women and children first." "DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS" "AND REMEMBER:" "WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST." "AND INDIANS." "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET DRESSED UP LIKE THAT?" "IT WAS THE ONLY THING LEFT." "WOMEN, CHILDREN AND RED INDIANS." "AND SPACEMEN." "HERE IS A REVISED LIST:" "WOMEN, CHILDREN, RED INDIANS AND SPACEMEN." "WHAT'S THAT MEANT TO BE?" "WELL, IT'S A SORT OF IMPRESSION" "OF WHAT A KIND OF RENAISSANCE COURTIER ARTIST" "MIGHT HAVE LOOKED LIKE AT THE COURTS" "OF ONE OF THE GREAT FAMILIES" "LIKE THE MEDICIS OR THE BORGIAS." "NO, IT'S NOT." "IT'S MORE FLEMISH THAN ITALIAN." "YES." "THAT'S A FLEMISH MERCHANT" "OF THE 15th OR 16th CENTURIES." "WHAT?" "WITH THESE TASSELS?" "YES, YES." "THEY HAD THOSE FITTED DOUBLETS GOING..." "TAPERING DOWN INTO THE FULL HOSE, YOU KNOW." "EXACTLY LIKE THAT." "ONE MOMENT, PLEASE." "DON'T PANIC." "NOW, WHAT'S IT MEANT TO BE?" "I'VE GOT TO TELL THEM SOMETHING." "IS IT A FLEMISH MERCHANT?" "NO, IT IS NOT A FLEMISH MERCHANT." "IT'S MORE A SORT OF IDEALIZED VERSION" "OF THE COMPLETE RENAISSANCE MAN." "OH, ALL RIGHT." "NO, IT'S NOT." "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT." "THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING." "DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS." "WOMEN, CHILDREN, RED INDIANS spacemen and sort of idealized versions of the complete Renaissance man first." "FLEMISH MERCHANTS DID NOT WEAR" "HAND-EMBROIDERED CHEVRONS!" "( men grumbling )" "THEY DID NOT!" "YES, GOMEZ?" ""WE FOUND THEM WALKING ON THE BEACH, MY CAPTAIN."" "GOMEZ, WHY CAN'T YOU SAY THIS?" "WHAT?" "OH, I SEE." "WE CAN'T AFFORD IT." "AH!" "YOU SEE, THE BBC HAS TO PAY AN ACTOR 20 GUINEAS IF HE SPEAKS" "AND IT MAKES A BIT OF A HOLE IN THE BUDGET." "28 GUINEAS, SIR." "OH, SORRY!" "YOU FOOL, GOMEZ!" "THAT'S 28 GUINEAS." "WHAT ABOUT ME, SIR?" "ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SPEAK?" "NO, SIR." "WELL, YOU'VE JUST SPOKEN!" "OH, SORRY, SIR." "YOU FOOL, THAT'S 56 GUINEAS BEFORE WE'VE EVEN STARTED!" "YES?" "( yelling )" "WHAT DID HE DO THAT FOR?" "IT'S A STUNT, SIR-- AN EXTRA 20 GUINEAS." "LOOK, WE CAN'T AFFORD IT!" "THE BBC IS SHORT OF MONEY AS IT IS." "THE BBC WISHES TO DENY RUMORS" "THAT IT IS GOING INTO LIQUIDATION." "MRS. KELLY, WHO OWNS THE FLAT WHERE THEY LIVE" "HAS SAID THAT THEY CAN STAY ON TILL THE END OF THE MONTH..." "AND WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT HUW WELDON'S WATCH" "HAS BEEN ACCEPTED BY THE LONDON ELECTRICITY BOARD" "AND TRANSMISSIONS FOR THIS EVENING" "CAN BE CONTINUED AS PLANNED." "( coughs )" "WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM ME, SO..." "GOOD NIGHT." "( knock at door )" "( knock at door )" "IT'S JUST A BULLETIN, MR. KELLY." "AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY." "( knocking )" "COMMENCE!" "ALL RIGHT!" "WE FOUND THESE MEN WALKING ON THE BEACH, MY CAPITAN." "WE'RE BRITISH NAVAL OFFICERS" "AND ENTITLED TO BE..." "AND ENTITLED TO BE... ( kids in audience ):" "HELLO, PUSS." "HELLO, CHILDREN." "STOP!" "STOP THIS ADAPTATION OF PUSS-IN-BOOTS!" "THIS IS THE POLICE DEPARTMENT OF THE STATE OF VENEZUELA." "OH, NO, IT ISN'T." "OH, YES, IT IS!" "OH, YES, IT IS!" "OH, YES, IT IS!" "OH, YES, IT IS!" "SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP!" "NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS" "AND REMEMBER, IF YOU DO NOT GIVE ME CORRECT ANSWERS" "WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU ANSWER." "WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU ANSWER." "SHUT UP!" "NOW, WHAT SHIP ARE YOU FROM?" "WE ARE FROM THE SS MOTHER GOOSE." "WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT FROM PORT OF SPAIN AND I..." "I GOT 30 BOB FOR THE TROUSERS!" "WE ARE FROM THE SS MOTHER GOOSE." "WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT FROM PORT OF SPAIN" "AND ONE NIGHT, I WAS DOING MY USUAL ROUNDS" "WHEN I HAD OCCASION" "TO PASS THE FORWARD STORAGE LOCKERS... ( eerie musicplaying )" "GO ON." "OH, UM..." "WELL, I-I NOTICED SOMETHING UNUSUAL." "THE MAIN BILGE HATCHES HAD BEEN OPENED" "AND THERE, CROUCHING AMIDST THE SCUPPERS" "WAS THE MOST GHASTLY CREATURE" "I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE." "AS SOON AS IT SAW ME" "ITS HORRIBLE FACE SPLIT ASIDE" "IN A GHASTLY LOOK OF TERROR." "ITS HEAD, WHICH WAS LIKE..." "COULD YOU SIGN THIS, PLEASE?" "A SMALL, A SMALL RAT." "IT WAS GHASTLY AND HORRIBLE AND BEFURRED." "ITS LITTLE RED EYES GLINTED" "IN THE UNACCUSTOMED GLARE OF THE MIDDAY SUN" "AND BEFORE I COULD SHUT THE HATCH" "IT SPRANG UPON ME WITH ONE ALMIGHTY..." "WHAT THIS ABOUT DOING" "HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW IN HERE TONIGHT?" "I'M SORRY, MRS. KELLY." "WE DON'T KNOW, I'M AFRAID." "THIS IS DRAMA." "MR. FOX TOLD ME BEFORE HE WENT DOWN TO THE PUB" "THAT THEY'RE DOING HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW" "IN HERE TONIGHT AT 9:10." "THIS IS BBC TWO." "I THINK BBC ONE ARE IN THE KITCHEN." "WELL, I'M NOT HAVING HARVEY SMITH" "JUMPING OVER MY BINETTE." "NO." "COME ON!" "...TEARING AT MY THROAT, RIPPING MY CLOTHES..." "AND TURN THE GAS OFF BEFORE YOU LEAVE!" "ALL RIGHT!" "I FOUGHT IT WITH ALL MY STRENGTH" "BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME." "ITS SUPERNATURAL POWERS..." "Announcer:" "Another clear round for Harvey Smith on O'MaLLey." "Commentator:" "And now it's Mrs. David Barker riding Atalanta, number three." "( bell rings, horse galloping )" "( crashing, horse whinnying )" "RIGHT!" "THAT'S IT." "COME ON, OUT, OUT, ALL OF YOU!" "GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!" "COME ON!" "HARVEY SMITH..." "GET OUT OF THERE!" "IT'S ONE OF OUR MOST POPULAR PROGRAMS." "THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, MR. FOX." "WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM BBC TELEVISION FOR THIS EVENING." "COME ON!" "GET OUT!" "OUT!" "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" "OUT!" "OUT!" "GET OUT!" "( cheering and applause )" "( whistling )" "( '60s style swing playing )" "Announcer:" "TONIGHT, FROM LONDON" "YOUR SPECIAL GUESTS ARE" "LULU..." "RINGO STARR..." "AND THE MAN YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR" "YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT..." "LOVE THE OUTFIT, DEAR." "IT'S GORGEOUS." "HELLO." "GOOD EVENING." "WELCOME." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing ) and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO THE MONEY PROGRAMME." "TONIGHT ON THE MONEY PROGRAMME, WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT MONEY" "LOTS OF IT, ON FILM AND IN THE STUDIO" "SOME OF IT IN NICE PILES" "OTHERS IN LOVELY CLANKY BITS OF LOOSE CHANGE" "SOME OF IT NEATLY COUNTED INTO FAT LITTLE HUNDREDS" "DELICATE FIVERS STUFFED INTO BULGING WALLETS" "NICE, CRISP, CLEAN CHECKS" "PERT PIECES OF COPPER COINAGE THRUST DEEP INTO TROUSER POCKETS" "ROMANTIC FOREIGN MONEY ROLLING AGAINST THE THIGH" "WITH ROUGH FAMILIARITY" "BEAUTIFUL WAYWARD CURLICUED BANK NOTES" "FILIGREE COPPER-PLATING CHEEK BY JOWL" "WITH TUMBLING HEXAGONAL-MILLED EDGES" "RUBBING GENTLY AGAINST THE TERSE LEATHER" "OF BEAUTIFULLY BALANCED BANK BOOKS!" "I'M SORRY." "BUT I LOVE MONEY..." "ALL MONEY." "I'VE ALWAYS WANTED MONEY TO HANDLE, TO TOUCH" "THE SMELL OF THE RAIN-WASHED FLORIN" "THE LURE OF THE LIRA" "THE GLITTER AND THE GLORY OF THE GUINEA" "THE ROMANCE OF THE RUBLE, THE FEEL OF THE FRANC" "THE HEEL OF THE DEUTSCHE MARK" "THE COLD ANTISEPTIC STING OF THE SWISS FRANC" "AND THE SUNBURNED SPLENDOR OF THE AUSTRALIAN DOLLAR." "( piano note )" "I'VE GOT Pound90,000 IN MY PAJAMAS" "I'VE GOT 40,000 FRENCH FRANCS IN MY FRIDGE" "I'VE GOT LOTS AND LOTS OF LIRA" "NOW THE DEUTSCHE MARK'S GETTING DEARER" "AND MY DOLLAR BILLS WOULD BUY THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE" "Together:" "THERE IS NOTHING QUITE AS WONDERFUL AS MONEY" "THERE IS NOTHING QUITE AS BEAUTIFUL AS CASH" "SOME PEOPLE SAY IT'S FOLLY, BUT I'D RATHER HAVE THE LOLLY" "WITH MONEY YOU CAN MAKE A SMASH" "THERE IS NOTHING QUITE AS WONDERFUL AS MONEY MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY" "THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A NEWLY MINTED POUND MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY" "EVERYONE MUST HANKER FOR THE BUTCHNESS OF A BANKER" "IT'S ACCOUNTANCY THAT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND ROUND, ROUND, ROUND" "YOU CAN KEEP YOUR MARXIST WAYS" "FOR IT'S ONLY JUST A PHASE" "IT'S MONEY, MONEY, MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND" "MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY" "MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!" "NOW..." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "MONTY PYTHON'S FL YING CIRCUS." "( music ends with fart )" "( medieval chamber music playing )" "( engine puttering )" "( toots horn )" "( trumpet fanfare )" "I BLING A DISPATCH FLOM PRYMOUTH." ""FLOM PRYMOUTH"?" "FLOM SIL FLANCIS DLAKE." "ENTEL AND APPLOACH THE THLONE." "WHAT NEWS FLOM PRYMOUTH?" "DLAKE HAS SIGHTED THE SPANISH FREET, YOUL MAJESTY." "SO!" "PHIRIP'S GARREONS ALE HELE." "HOW MANY?" "ONE HUNDLED AND THILTY-SIX MEN OF WAL" "BROODY HERR." "IS DLAKE PLEPALED?" "HE HAS OLDELED THE WHORE FREET INTO THE BLITISH CHANNER." "SO, WE MUST TO TIRBULY." "REICESTEL!" "SIL WARTEL LAREIGH!" "GROUCESTER!" "WE SHARR LIDE TO..." "GROUCESTEL!" "GROUCESTEL!" "NOT "GROUCESTER!"" "COME ON." "RET'S GET ONE LIGHT." "REICESTEL!" "THAT WAS TELLIBER." "WHAT?" "TELLIBER." "WHEN YOU HAVE THE RINE" "LING YOUR BERR." "LING MY BERR?" "LING, LING." "RIKE THIS." "AND CUT THE BROODY HERR." "ERIZABETH!" "YES?" "YOU SHOULD BE ON A BICYCER." "WHY?" "!" "YOU ROOK ODD RIKE THAT." "I DO NOT LOOK ODD LIKE THIS." "IT'S THAT LOT THAT LOOKS ODD." "IT'S BLEEDING WEIRD HAVING HALF THE TUDOR NOBILITY" "LIGGING AROUND ON MOTORIZED BICYCLES!" "IT'S VELY SULLEARIST." "HORSE FEATHERS!" "LISTEN, MATE, I'M BEGINNING" "TO HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT YOU." "WHAT YOU MEAN?" "I'M TELLING YOU STRAIGHT, MATE." "I DON'T THINK YOU'RE LUCHINO VISCONTI AT ALL." "OH, OF COULSE, I AM." "ME VELY IMPOLTANT ITARIAN FIRM DILECTOL." "YOU ARE A NIP." "LUBBISH!" "ME GENUINE WOP!" "ALLIVELDELCHI LOMA" "HE'S BLUFFING." "VO-RALE, OH-OH-OH-OH... ( blowing raspberries )" "OH, IS THAT THE TIME?" "I MUST FRY." "NOT SO FAST, YAKOMOTO." "( trumpet fanfare )" "SHUT UP!" "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF." "I AM INSPECTOR LEOPARD OF SCOTLAND YARD" "SPECIAL FRAUD FILM DIRECTOR SQUAD." "SPECIAL FRAUD FILM DIRECTOR SQUAD." "THE SAME, ONLY MORE VIOLENT." "( grunts )" "RIGHT, SLIT-EYES YAKOMOTO, I'M ARRESTING YOU" "FOR THE IMPERSONATION OF SIGNOR LUCHINO VISCONTI" "FAMOUS ITALIAN DIRECTOR OF SUCH MOVIE CLASSICS" "AS OBSESSIONE, 1942" "LA TERRA TREMA, 1948" "AND BELLISSIMA, 1951" "A SATISFYINGLY IRONIC SLICE-OF-LIFE DRAMA." "1957 BROUGHT TO THE SILVER SCREEN" "HIS I BIANCHE NOTTE, ADAPTED BY DOSTOYEVSKY" "A MANNERED AND ROMANTIC MELANCHOLY OF SNOW AND MISTS" "AND MOONLIT ENCOUNTERS ON CANAL BRIDGES." "BOCCACCIO 70 FOLLOWED FIVE YEARS LATER" "AND THE FOLLOWING YEAR SAW..." "THE LEOPARD!" "SO IMPRESSED WAS I" "WITH THIS MOTION PICTURE TREATMENT OF THE RISORGIMENTO" "THAT I WENT ALONG TO SOMERSET HOUSE" "AND CHANGED ME OWN NAME TO "LEOPARD"" "PREFERRING IT TO ME ORIGINAL HANDLE, "PANTHER."" "( growling )" "I DIGRESS." "1969 SAW THE DAMNED, A GOTTERDAMMERUNG EPIC" "OF POLITICAL AND INDUSTRIAL SHENANIGANS" "IN GOOD OLD NAZI GERMANY" "STARRING HELMUT BERGER AS A STINKING TRANSVESTITE" "WHAT SHOULD HAVE HIS FACE SAWN OFF" "THE CURVACEOUS CHARLOTTE RAMPLING AS A BIT OF TAIL" "AND THE IMPECCABLE DIRK BOGARDE AS VON ESSEN." "THE ASSOCIATION OF THE LATTER WITH SIGNOR VISCONTI" "FRUCTIFIED WITH DIRK'S MAGNIFICENT PORTRAYAL" "OF THE ELDERLY POUF WHAT EXPIRES IN VENICE." "AND SO, YAKOMOTO..." "BLIMEY!" "HE GONE!" "NEVER MIND." "I'LL HAVE YOU INSTEAD." "I HAVEN'T TIME TO GO CHASING AFTER HIM." "THERE'S VIOLENCE TO BE DONE." "( bell rings )" "OH, YES." "( police siren wailing )" "( grunting )" "( chuckles )" "( growls ) ALL RIGHT, BUSTER." "HANDS UP!" "( gulps )" "Woman:" "I would Like to ask the team what they would do if they were Hitler." "( applause )" "( applause )" "gerald:" "Well, I'd, uh... annex the Sudetenland and sign a nonaggression pact with Russia." "( applause )" "Norman?" "Well, I'd do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds and ban abortion on demand." "( applause )" "LIBERAL RUBBISH!" "KLAUS, WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR JUGGED FISH?" "HALIBUT." "THE JUGGED FISH IS HALIBUT." "WELL, WHAT FISH YOU GOT THAT ISN'T JUGGED THEN?" "RABBIT." "WHAT?" "RABBIT FISH?" "YES." "IT'S GOT FINS." "IS IT DEAD?" "WELL, IT WAS COUGHING UP BLOOD LAST NIGHT." "ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE THE DEAD UNJUGGED RABBIT FISH." "WELL, THAT WAS REALLY HORRIBLE." "OH, YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING." "WHAT'S FOR AFTERS?" "WELL, THERE'S RAT CAKE, RAT SORBET" "RAT PUDDING OR STRAWBERRY TART." "STRAWBERRY TART?" "!" "WELL, IT'S GOT SOME RAT IN IT." "HOW MUCH?" "THREE." "IT'S RATHER A LOT, REALLY." "WELL, I'LL HAVE A SLICE WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT." "APPALLING." "MOAN, MOAN, MOAN." "HELLO, MUM." "HELLO, DAD." "HELLO, SON." "THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING." "WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "WHAT'S ITS DIOCESE?" "WELL, IT LOOKED A BIT BATH AND WELLSISH TO ME." "I'LL GO AND HAVE A LOOK." "I DON'T KNOW WHO KEEPS BRINGING THEM IN HERE." "WELL, IT'S NOT ME." "I PUT THREE OUT BY THE BIN" "AND THE DUSTMEN WON'T TOUCH 'EM." "LEICESTER." "HOW'D YOU KNOW?" "TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK." "I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE." "SHOULDN'T YOU CALL THE CHURCH?" "CALL THE CHURCH POLICE." "ALL RIGHT." "THE CHURCH POLICE!" "YES?" "THERE'S ANOTHER..." "THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP..." "SUFFRAGAN?" "THERE'S ANOTHER DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING." "SUFFRAGAN OR DIOCESAN?" "HOW SHOULD I KNOW?" "ITS TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF THEIR NECKS." "ERE!" "IS THAT RAT TART?" "YES." "DISGUSTING." "RIGHT!" "THE HUNT IS ON." "OH, LORD, WE BESEECH THEE..." "TELL US WHO CROAKED LEICESTER." "( dramatic organ musicplaying )" "ALL RIGHT, IT'S A FAIR COP" "BUT SOCIETY IS TO BLAME." "AGREED." "I WOULD LIKE THE THREE BY THE BIN" "TO BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION." "RIGHT." "AND NOW, I'D LIKE TO CONCLUDE THIS ARREST" "WITH A HYMN." "AND DID THOSE FEET" "IN ANCIENT TIMES" "WALK UPON ENGLAND'S MOUNTAINS GREEN" "AND WAS THE HOLY LAMB OF GOD" "ON ENGLAND'S PLEASANT PASTURES SEEN..." "OH, SHUT UP!" "( singing dies down )" "THANK YOU." "( machinery cranking )" "WHAT?" "( raspberry )" "( raspberry )" "( raspberry )" "ERE." "OH, OOH." "( raspberry )" "( moaning )" "( brush rustling )" "OW!" "OH." "AH, OH... ( raspberry )" "OH!" "OH, OH, WHOA!" "OH." "( brush rustling )" "OH!" "WHOA!" "( raspberry )" "OH." "OH-OH." "( brush rustling )" "OH, OH, OH!" "( raspberry )" "( whimpering )" "( raspberry )" "OH!" "OOH!" "OH!" "( brush rustling )" "( raspberry )" "( gasps )" "( yells )" "WHEE-HEE-HEE!" "WHOA!" "( raspberry )" "YAHOO!" "YAY!" "( raspberry ) WHEE!" "MEANWHILE, IN THEJUNGLE NEXT DOOR... ( raspberry )" "( jungle musicplaying )" "WHAT A SIMPLY SUPER LITTLE PLACE." "YES." "THEY'VE DONE WONDERS WITH IT." "YOU KNOW, THIS USED TO BE ONE" "OF THE MOST SWAMPY, DISEASE-INFESTED AREAS OF THE WHOLE JUNGLE" "AND THEY'VE TURNED IT INTO THIS SMASHING LITTLE RESTAURANT." "HERE YOU ARE, OMKAMI." "THANK YOU." "WELL, HELLO, MR. AKWEKWE." "HELLO THERE, MR. SPARE-BUTTONS- SUPPLIED-WITH-THE-SHIRT." "NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN." "THESE ARE SOME OF MY FELLOW EXPLORERS." "SIR CHARLES FARQUARSON, BRIAN BAILEY, BETTY BAILEY" "AND THIS IS MR. AKWEKWE WHO STARTED THE WHOLE PLACE." "IT REALLY IS SUPER." "OH, TERRIFIC IDEA." "THANK YOU ALL." "MAY I RECOMMEND THE ALLIGATOR PUREES?" "( screaming and roaring )" "( Akwekwe shouting )" "( screaming continues )" "( gunshot )" "( shouting )" "( birds twittering )" "NOW THEN, HAVE YOU DECIDED?" "UH, YES." "WELL, THERE'S TWO AVOCADO VINAIGRETTE HERE" "AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE, BRIAN?" "UH, QUICHE LORRAINE FOR ME, PLEASE." "RIGHT." "SO THAT'S TWO AVOCADO, ONE QUICHE." "( grunts )" "( shouting in native language )" "SO, THAT'S TWO AVOCADO, ONE QUICHE." "AND A SOUP OF THE DAY." "RIGHT." "( drums beating in distance )" "AND TO FOLLOW?" "UH, TWO CHICKEN A LA REINE, PLEASE." "UH, WITH SAUCE PROVENCAL, PLEASE." "AND ONE SCAMPI DESIREE." "AND A BOEUF BOURGUIGNON WITH A GREEN SALAD." "RIGHT ON." "TWO CHICKEN, ONE SCAMPI" "ONE BOEUF WITH THE GREEN SALAD." "( drums drawing nearer )" "THERE MAY BE..." "A LITTLE DELAY." "THAT'S FINE, BUT WE HAVE TO BE OUT BY 3:00." "YES, SIR." "YES." "WE'LL TRY." "( drums drawing nearer )" "WE'LL TRY." "( drums beating loudly )" "( drumbeats growing louder )" "THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE" "THAT THE NEXT SCENE IS NOT CONSIDERED SUITABLE" "FOR FAMILY VIEWING." "IT CONTAINS SCENES OF VIOLENCE" "INVOLVING PEOPLE'S HEADS AND ARMS GETTING CHOPPED OFF" "THEIR EARS NAILED TO TREES" "AND THEIR TOENAILS PULLED OUT IN SLOWMOTION." "THEREAREALSO SCENES OF NAKED WOMEN WITH FLOPPY BREASTS." "AND ALSO AT ONE POINT, YOU CAN SEEA PAIR OF BUTTOCKS" "AND THERE'SANOTHER BIT WHERE I SWEAR YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING" "BUTMY FRIEND SA YS IT'SJUST THE WA Y HE'S HOLDING THE SPEAR." "( clears throat )" "BECAUSE OF THE UNSUITABILITY OF THE SCENE" "THE BBC WILL BE REPLACING IT" "WITH A SCENE FROM A REPEA T OF GARDENING CLUB FOR 1958." "( all shrieking with joy )" "( squawking )" "AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY." "THAT WAS A NASTY BUSINESS BACK AT THE RESTAURANT." "YES." "I THOUGHT MOST PLACES TOOK BARCLAYCARD NOWADAYS." "WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY'RE TAKING US, BRIAN?" "GOD KNOWS." "LOOK!" "THE SACRED VOLCANO ANDU!" "WHICH NO MAN HAS SEEN BEFORE." "NO, NO, NO." "NEXT TO THAT." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "NEXT TO THAT." "THE FORBIDDEN PLATEAU OF ROIURAMA." "THE LOST WORLD." "THROWN UP BY MIGHTY EARTH MOVEMENTS" "THOUSANDS OF MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO." "WHERE STRANGE PRIMEVAL CREATURES DEFYING EVOLUTION" "LURK IN THE DARK, IMPENETRABLE FORESTS" "CUT OFF FOREVER FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD." "I STILL CAN'T SEE IT." "YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE TAKING US." "YES." "AND GOD KNOWS WHAT WE'LL FIND THERE." "WHAT PAGE, PLEASE?" "WHAT?" "WHAT PAGE IN THE SCRIPT?" "PAGE SEVEN." ""COME ON, YOU DOGS." "WE HAVE FAR TO GO." "WE MUST LOSE NO TIME."" "COME ON, YOU DOGS." "WE HAVE FAR TO GO." "WE MUST LOSE NO TIME." "COME ON, YOU..." "COME ON, YOU DOGS." "WE HAVE TIME TO LOSE." "THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR." "( "Pomp and Circumstance " playing )" "MEANWHILE, BACK IN LONDON" "AT THE BRITISH EXPLORERS CLUB IN THE MALL..." "ANY NEWS OF BETTY BAILEY'S EXPEDITION, HARGREAVES?" "UH..." "UH..." "PAGE..." "PAGE NINE." "OH, THANK YOU." "UH..." "THE LOST WORLD OF ROIURAMA." "THAT'S..." "THAT'S MY LINE." "OH." "SORRY." "WHERE WERE THEY GOING, SIR?" "THE LOST WORLD OF ROIURAMA." "YES, SIR." "WE'VE GOT A TELEGRAM." "OH." ""READS IT."" ""EXPEDITION SUPERB, WEATHER EXCELLENT." "EVERYTHING WONDERFUL."" "I WONDER WHAT'S GONE WRONG." "FOR GOD'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL..." "WAIT A MINUTE." "I'M GOING TO GO AFTER THEM." "OH!" "FOR GOD'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL." "MY GOD, BETTY, WE'RE DONE FOR." "WE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE." "WE'RE COMPLETELY LOST." "LOST!" "EVEN THE NATIVES HAVE GONE." "GOOD-BYE, BETTY." "GOOD-BYE, FARQUARSON." "GOOD-BYE, BRIAN." "IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPEDITION." "GREAT EXPEDITION." "ALL THAT'LL BE LEFT OF US IS A MAP, A COMPASS" "AND A FEW FEET OF FILM RECORDING OUR LAST MOMENTS." "WAIT A MINUTE!" "WHAT IS IT?" "IF WE'RE ON FILM..." "THERE MUST BE SOMEONE FILMING US." "MY GOD, BETTY!" "YOU'RE RIGHT!" "LOOK!" "HELLO!" "GREAT TO SEE YOU!" "SUPER TO SEE YOU." "SUPER!" "HOW ARE YOU, MATES?" "JOLLY GOOD!" "WAIT A MINUTE!" "WHAT IS IT AGAIN?" "IF THIS IS THE CREW WHO WERE FILMING US..." "WHO'S FILMING US NOW?" "LOOK!" "CUT THERE, MAN." "CUT THERE." "NO..." "NO GOOD." "HOW WE GOING TO GET THAT FEELING" "OF PERSONAL ALIENATION OF SELF FROM SOCIETY" "WITH THIS LOAD OF BULLDOG DRUMMOND CRAP?" "WHEN I WAS DOING LA NOTTE WITH THAT MONICA VITTI GAL" "SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME" "NONE OF THIS EMPIRE-BUILDING SHIT, MAN." "( insistent knocking )" "NOT SO FAST, AKARUMBA." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF." "I'M INSPECTOR BABOON" "OF SCOTLAND YARD'S SPECIAL FRAUD FILM DIRECTOR'S SQUAD." "JUNGLE DIVISION." "BABOON OF THE YARD!" "SHUT UP!" "( gunshot )" "RIGHT, AKARUMBA." "I'M ARRESTING YOU FOR IMPERSONATING SIGNOR MICHELANGELO ANTONIONI" "AN ITALIAN FILM DIRECTOR" "WHO CO-SCRIPTS ALL HIS OWN FILMS" "LARGELY JETTISONING NARRATIVE IN FAVOR OF VAGUE INCIDENT" "AND RELENTLESS CHARACTER STUDY." "IN HIS FIRST FILM CRONACA DI UN AMORE, 1915" "THE COUPLE ARE BROUGHT TOGETHER BY A SHARED IRRATIONAL GUILT." "LEAMICHE FOLLOWED IN 1955" "AND 1959 SAW THE FIRST OF ANTONIONI'S WORLD-FAMOUS TRILOGY" "L'A VVENTURA, AN ACUTE STUDY OF BOREDOM, RESTLESSNESS" "AND THE FUTILITIES AND AGONIES OF PURPOSELESS LIVING." "IN L'ECLISSE THREE YEARS LATER" "THIS ANALYSIS OF THE SENTIMENTS WAS TAKEN UP ONCE AGAIN." ""WE DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW EACH OTHER TO LOVE," SAYS THE HEROINE" ""AND PERHAPS, WE DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE."" "THE ECLIPSE OF THE EMOTIONS FINALLY CASTS ITS SHADOW" "WHEN DARKNESS DESCENDS... ( voice drowned out by Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" )" "( voice drowned out by Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" )" "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS]" "SIGNOR ANTONIONI FIRST MAKES USE OF COLOR TO UNDERLINE..." "AND NOW ON BBC 1" "ANOTHER SIX MINUTES OF MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS." "YES, SIR." "I'D LIKE TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT, PLEASE." "CERTAINLY, SIR." "HAVE YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE?" "NO." "THIS IS MY FIRST TIME." "I SEE." "DO YOU WANT TO HAVE THE FULL ARGUMENT" "OR WERE YOU THINKING OF TAKING A COURSE?" "WELL, WHAT WOULD BE THE COST?" "WELL, YES, IT'S FIVE..." "IT'S ONE POUND FOR A FIVE-MINUTE ARGUMENT" "BUT ONLY EIGHT POUNDS FOR A COURSE OF TEN." "MMM..." "WELL, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY BEST" "IF I START WITH THE ONE" "AND SEE HOW IT GOES FROM THERE, OKAY?" "FINE." "I'LL SEE WHO'S FREE AT THE MOMENT." "UH..." "MR. DU-BAKEY'S FREE" "BUT HE'S A LITTLE BIT CONCILIATORY." "MMM." "YES, UH, TRY MR. BARNARD" " ROOM 12." "THANK YOU." "( clears throat )" "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "!" "WELL, I WAS TOLD OUTSIDE..." "DON'T GIVE ME THAT" "YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!" "WHAT?" "SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT!" "YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!" "YOU VACUOUS, TOFFEE-NOSED, MALODOROUS PERVERT!" "WHAT?" "!" "I CAME IN HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT!" "OH!" "OH, I'M SORRY." "THIS IS ABUSE." "OH." "OH, I SEE." "THAT EXPLAINS IT." "NO." "YOU WANT 12A NEXT DOOR." "I SEE." "SORRY." "NOT AT ALL." "YEAH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT." "STUPID GIT." "IS THIS THE RIGHT ROOM FOR AN ARGUMENT?" "I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE." "NO, YOU HAVEN'T." "YES, I HAVE." "WHEN?" "JUST NOW." "NO, YOU DIDN'T." "YES, I DID." "DIDN'T." "DID." "DIDN'T." "I'M TELLING YOU I DID." "YOU DID NOT." "I'M SORRY, IS THIS" "A FIVE-MINUTE ARGUMENT" "OR THE FULL HALF HOUR?" "OH!" "OH." "JUST THE FIVE-MINUTE ONE." "FINE." "THANK YOU." "ANYWAY, I DID." "YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT." "NOW, LET'S GET ONE THING QUITE CLEAR." "I MOST DEFINITELY TOLD YOU." "YOU DID NOT." "YES, I DID." "YOU DID NOT." "YES, I DID." "DIDN'T." "YES, I DID." "DIDN'T." "YES, I DID." "LOOK, THIS ISN'T AN ARGUMENT." "YES, IT IS." "NO, IT ISN'T." "IT'S JUST CONTRADICTION." "NO, IT ISN'T." "YES, IT IS." "IT IS NOT." "IT IS!" "YOU JUST CONTRADICTED ME." "NO, I DIDN'T." "OH, YOU DID." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "YOU DID JUST THEN." "NO, NO, NONSENSE." "OH, WELL, THIS IS FUTILE." "NO, IT ISN'T." "I CAME HERE FOR A GOOD ARGUMENT." "NO, YOU DIDN'T." "YOU CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT." "WELL, ARGUE IS NOT THE SAME AS CONTRADICTION." "IT CAN BE." "NO, IT CAN'T." "AN ARGUMENT'S A COLLECTED SERIES OF STATEMENTS" "TO ESTABLISH A DEFINITE PROPOSITION." "NO, IT ISN'T." "YES, IT IS." "IT ISN'T JUST CONTRADICTION." "LOOK, IF I ARGUE WITH YOU" "I MUST TAKE UP A CONTRARY POSITION." "BUT IT ISN'T JUST SAYING, "NO, IT ISN'T."" "YES, IT IS." "NO, IT ISN'T." "ARGUMENT'S AN INTELLECTUAL PROCESS." "CONTRADICTION IS JUST THE AUTOMATIC GAINSAYING" "OF ANYTHING THE OTHER PERSON SAYS." "NO, IT ISN'T." "YES, IT IS." "NOT AT ALL." "NOW, LOOK... ( bell rings )" "THANK YOU." "GOOD MORNING." "WHAT?" "THAT'S IT." "GOOD MORNING." "BUT I WAS JUST GETTING INTERESTED." "SORRY." "THE FIVE MINUTES IS UP." "THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW." "AFRAID IT WAS." "NO, IT WASN'T." "SORRY, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE ANYMORE." "WHAT?" "!" "IF YOU WANT ME TO GO ON ARGUING" "YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES." "BUT THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW." "OH, COME ON!" "THIS IS RIDICULOUS." "I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I TOLD YOU" "I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE UNLESS YOU PAY." "OH, ALL RIGHT." "THERE YOU ARE." "THANK YOU." "WELL?" "WELL WHAT?" "THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW." "I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE UNLESS YOU PAY." "I JUST PAID." "NO, YOU DIDN'T." "I DID." "I DID!" "I DID!" "LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT THAT." "WELL, I'M VERY SORRY, BUT YOU DIDN'T PAY." "AHA!" "WELL, IF I DIDN'T PAY, WHY ARE YOU ARGUING?" "GOT YOU." "NO, YOU HAVEN'T." "YES, I HAVE." "IF YOU'RE ARGUING, I MUST'VE PAID." "NOT NECESSARILY." "I COULD BE ARGUING" "IN MY SPARE TIME." "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS." "NO, YOU HAVEN'T." "OH, SHUT UP." "I WANT TO COMPLAIN." "YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN?" "LOOK AT THESE SHOES." "I'VE ONLY HAD THEM THREE WEEKS" "AND THE HEELS ARE WORN RIGHT THROUGH." "NO, I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT..." "IF YOU COMPLAIN, NOTHING HAPPENS" "YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL NOT BOTHER" "AND MY BACK HURTS..." "I WANT TO COM..." "OW!" "NO, NO." "HOLD YOUR HEAD" "LIKE THIS AND THEN GO, "WAH!"" "TRY IT AGAIN." "WHOA!" "BETTER, BETTER, BUT, "WAH!" "WAH!"" "HOLD YOUR HANDS HERE." "NO." "NOW... ( yells )" "NO, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT!" "GOOD!" "STOP HITTING ME!" "WHAT?" "STOP HITTING ME." "STOP HITTING YOU?" "YES." "WELL, UH, WHAT DID YOU COME IN HERE FOR?" "I CAME HERE TO COMPLAIN." "OH, I'M SORRY." "THAT'S NEXT DOOR." "IT'S BEING HIT ON THE HEAD LESSONS IN HERE." "WHAT A STUPID CONCEPT." "RIGHT." "HOLD IT THERE." "WHAT?" "WHAT?" "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF." "I'M INSPECTOR FOX OF THE LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT POLICE" "COMEDY DIVISION, SPECIAL FLYING SQUAD." "Both:" "FLYING FOX OF THE YARD?" "!" "SHUT UP!" "OH!" "NO, NO, NO, NO." ""WAH!"" "AND YOU!" "HE'S GOOD." "YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM HIM." "RIGHT, NOW YOU TWO, ME OLD BEAUTIES, YOU ARE NICKED." "WHAT FOR?" "I'M CHARGING YOU UNDER SECTION 21 OF THE STRANGE SKETCH ACT." "THE WHAT?" "YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED" "THAT YOU DID WILLFULLY TAKE PART IN A STRANGE SKETCH." "THAT IS A SKIT, SPOOF OR HUMOROUS VIGNETTE" "OF AN UNCONVENTIONAL NATURE" "WITH INTENT TO CAUSE GRIEVOUS MENTAL CONFUSION" "TO THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC." "EVENING, ALL." "IT'S A FAIR COP." "AND YOU TOSH!" "WAH!" "THAT'S EXCELLENT!" "RIGHT, COME ON DOWN TO THE YARD." "HOLD IT, HOLD IT." "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF." "I'M INSPECTOR THOMPSON'S GAZELLE" "OF THE PROGRAMME PLANNING POLICE" "LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT DIVISION, SPECIAL FLYING SQUAD." "FLYING THOMPSON'S GAZELLLE OF THE YARD?" "SHUT UP!" "AHH!" "HE..." "HE'S GOOD." "SHUT UP." "WOW!" "ROTTEN." "AHH!" "GOOD." "RIGHT." "I'M ARRESTING THIS ENTIRE SHOW" "ON THREE COUNTS:" "ONE, ACTS OF SELF- CONSCIOUS BEHAVIOR" "CONTRARY TO THE "NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN" ACT" "TWO, ALWAYS SAYING, "IT'S SO AND SO OF THE YARD"" "EVERY TIME THE FUZZ ARRIVES" "AND THREE" " AND THIS IS THE CRUNCHER" "OFFENSES AGAINST THE "GETTING OUT OF SKETCHES" "WITHOUT USING A PROPER PUNCH LINE ACT."" "NAMELY SIMPLY ENDING EVERY BLEEDING SKETCH" "BY JUST HAVING A POLICEMAN COME IN AND..." "WAIT A MINUTE." "HOLD IT." "IT'S A FAIR COP." "AND NOW ON BBC 1" "ONE MORE MINUTE OF MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS." "HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION" "OF BLOOD, DEVASTA TION, DEA TH, WAR AND HORROR" "AND LATER ON WE'LL BE TALKING" "TO A MAN WHO DOES GARDENING" "BUT OUR FIRST GUEST IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT" "IS A MAN WHO TALKS ENTIRELY IN ANAGRAMS." "TAHT SI CRREOCT." "DO YOU ENJOY THIS?" "I STOM CERTAINLY OD" "REVY CHUM SO." "AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" "HAMRAG, HAMRAG YATLEROT." "WELL, GRAHAM, NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW." "NOW, WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?" "BUMCRELAND." "CUMBERLAND?" "STAHT SIT SEPREICLY." "AND I BELIEVE YOU'RE WORKING" "ON AN ANAGRAM VERSION OF SHAKESPEARE." "SEY, SEY, TAHT SI CRREOCT." "UH..." "TA THE MNEMOT, I'M WROKING ON "THE MATING OF THE WERSH."" ""THE MATING OF THE WERSH," BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE?" "NAY, BY MALLIWI RAPESHEAKE." "AND, UH..." "WHAT ELSE?" ""TWO NETLEMEG OF VERONA"" ""TWELFTH THING," "THE CHAMRENT OF VENICE."" "HAVE YOU DONE "HAMLET"?" ""THAMLE."" ""BE OT OR BOT NE OT, TATH IS THE NESTQUIE."" "( audience laughter )" "AND WHAT IS YOUR NEXT PROJECT?" ""RING KICHARD THE THRID."" "I'M SORRY?" ""A SHROE!" "A SHROE!" "MY DINGKOME FOR A SHROE!"" "AH, "RING KICHARD," YES." "BUT SURELY THAT'S NOT AN ANAGRAM" "THAT'S A SPOONERISM." "IF YOU'RE GOING TO SPLIT HAIRS" "I'M GOING TO PISS OFF." "( loud laughter )" "( playing chords )" "NOW..." "IT'S... ( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "TONY M. NYPHOT'S FL YING RISCCU." "MRS. SCAB, YOU HA VE 12 HOURS TO BEAT THE CLOCK." "( clock ticking )" "CORRECT!" "I'VE DONE IT!" "I'VE DONE IT." "HA, HA, HA!" "HELLO?" "AH, MR. VICTIM." "YES, I'M GLAD TO SAY THAT I'VE GOT THE GO-AHEAD" "TO LEND YOU THE MONEY YOU REQUIRE." "YES, WE WILL OF COURSE WANT AS SECURITY THE DEEDS OF YOUR HOUSE" "OF YOUR AUNT'S HOUSE, OF YOUR SECOND COUSIN'S HOUSE" "OF YOUR WIFE'S PARENTS' HOUSE AND OF YOUR GRANNIE'S BUNGALOW" "AND WE WILL IN ADDITION NEED A CONTROLLING INTEREST" "IN YOUR NEW COMPANY" "UNRESTRICTED ACCESS TO YOUR PRIVATE BANK ACCOUNT" "THE DEPOSIT IN OUR VAULTS OF YOUR THREE CHILDREN AS HOSTAGES" "AND A FULL LEGAL INDEMNITY AGAINST ANY ACTS OF EMBEZZLEMENT" "CARRIED OUT AGAINST YOU BY ANY MEMBERS OF OUR STAFF" "DURING THE NORMAL COURSE OF THEIR DUTIES." "NO, I'M AFRAID WE COULDN'T ACCEPT YOUR DOG" "INSTEAD OF YOUR YOUNGEST CHILD." "WE WOULD LIKE TO SUGGEST A BRAND-NEW SCHEME OF OURS" "UNDER WHICH 51% OF BOTH YOUR DOG AND YOUR WIFE PASS TO US" "IN THE EVENT OF YOUR SUFFERING A SERIOUS ACCIDENT." "FINE..." "NO, NOT AT ALL." "NICE TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU." "UH..." "MISS GODFREY, COULD YOU SEND IN MR. FORD, PLEASE?" "NOW, WHERE'S THAT DICTIONARY?" "AH, YES, HERE WE ARE..." "INNER LIFE." "( clears throat )" "INNER LIFE." "( knock at door )" "COME IN." "AH..." "MR. FORD, ISN'T IT?" "THAT'S RIGHT." "HOW DO YOU DO?" "I'M A MERCHANT BANKER." "HOW DO YOU DO, MR., UH..." "I FORGET MY NAME FOR THE MOMENT" "BUT I AM A MERCHANT BANKER." "OH, I WONDERED WHETHER YOU'D LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE" "TO THE ORPHAN'S HOME." "( change clinking )" "WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SHOW MY HAND TOO EARLY, BUT ACTUALLY" "HERE AT SLATER NAZI WE ARE QUITE KEEN TO GET INTO ORPHANS" "YOU KNOW, DEVELOPING MARKET AND ALL THAT." "WHAT SORT OF SUM DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?" "WELL..." "UH..." "YOU'RE A RICH MAN." "YES, I AM, YES, YES..." "VERY, VERY RICH." "( laughter )" "QUITE PHENOMENALLY WEALTHY." "YES, I DO..." "I DO OWN THE MOST STARTLING QUANTITIES OF CASH." "YES, QUITE RIGHT." "YOU'RE RATHER A SMART YOUNG LAD, AREN'T YOU?" "WE COULD DO WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU" "TO FEED THE PANTOMIME HORSE." "VERY SMART." "THANK YOU, SIR." "NOW, YOU WERE SAYING" "I'M VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY" "VERY, VERY, VERY RICH." "SO..." "HOW ABOUT A POUND?" "A POUND..." "YES, I SEE." "NOW, THIS LOAN WOULD BE SECURED BY..." "IT'S NOT..." "IT'S NOT A LOAN, SIR." "WHAT?" "IT'S NOT A LOAN." "AH..." "YOU GET ONE OF THESE, SIR." "A BIT SMALL FOR A SHARE CERTIFICATE, ISN'T IT?" "LOOK, I THINK I'D BETTER RUN THIS OVER" "TO OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT." "IF YOU COULD POSSIBLY POP BACK ON FRIDAY..." "DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?" "COULDN'T YOU JUST GIVE ME THE POUND?" "YES, BUT YOU SEE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S FOR." "IT'S FOR THE ORPHANS." "YES?" "IT'S A GIFT." "A WHAT?" "A GIFT." "( jingling coins )" "OH, A GIFT!" "A TAX DODGE." "NO, NO, NO, NO." "NO?" "WELL, I'M AWFULLY SORRY." "I DON'T UNDERSTAND." "CAN YOU JUST EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT?" "WELL, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A POUND" "AND THEN I GO AWAY" "AND GIVE IT TO THE ORPHANS." "YES?" "( laughter )" "WELL, THAT'S IT." "NO, NO, NO, I DON'T FOLLOW THIS AT ALL." "I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO SEEM STUPID" "BUT IT LOOKS TO ME AS THOUGH I'M A POUND DOWN ON THE WHOLE DEAL." "YES, YOU ARE." "I AM." "WELL, WHAT IS MY INCENTIVE TO GIVE YOU THE POUND?" "WELL, THE INCENTIVE IS TO MAKE THE ORPHANS HAPPY." "HAPPY?" "( laughter )" "YOU QUITE SURE YOU'VE GOT THIS RIGHT?" "YES, LOTS OF PEOPLE GIVE ME MONEY." "WHAT, JUST LIKE THAT?" "YES." "MUST BE SICK." "( laughter )" "I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD GIVE ME" "A LIST OF THEIR NAMES AND ADDRESSES, COULD YOU?" "( laughter )" "NO, I JUST GO UP TO THEM IN THE STREET AND ASK." "GOOD LORD!" "THAT'S THE MOST EXCITING NEW IDEA" "I'VE HEARD IN YEARS!" "IT'S SO SIMPLE IT'S BRILLIANT." "WELL, IF THAT IDEA OF YOURS" "ISN'T WORTH A POUND" "I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IS." "THANK YOU, SIR." "THE ONLY TROUBLE IS..." "YOU GAVE ME THE IDEA" "BEFORE I'D GIVEN YOU THE POUND." "AND THAT'S NOT GOOD BUSINESS." "ISN'T IT?" "NO, I'M AFRAID IT ISN'T." "SO..." "OFF YOU GO." "( yells )" "NICE TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU." "ANYWAY." "AND OFF WE GO AGAIN." "UH..." "MISS GODFREY, COULD YOU SEND IN" "THE PANTOMIME HORSES, PLEASE?" "( upbeat, lively band musicplaying )" "( music stops )" "NOW, I'VE ASKED YOU... ( band music starts again )" "( music stops )" "NOW, I'VE ASKED YOU... ( music starts )" "SHUT UP!" "( music stops )" "NOW, I'VE ASKED YOU IN HERE" "TO SEE ME THIS MORNING" "BECAUSE I'M AFRAID" "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO." "I'M VERY SORRY, BUT THE PRESENT RATIONALIZATION OF THIS FIRM" "MAKES IT INEVITABLE THAT WE HIVE ONE OF YOU OFF." "( laughter )" "NOW, YOU MAY THINK THAT THIS IS VERY HARSH BEHAVIOR" "BUT LET ME TELL YOU THAT OUR MANAGEMENT CONSULTANTS" "ACTUALLY QUERIED THE NECESSITY" "FOR US TO EMPLOY A PANTOMIME HORSE AT ALL." "AND SO THE DECISION HAS TO BE MADE WHICH ONE OF YOU IS TO GO." "CHAMPION..." "HOW MANY YEARS HAVE YOU BEEN WITH THIS FIRM?" "( taps three times )" "TRIGGER?" "( taps three times )" "I SEE..." "WELL, IT'S A DIFFICULT DECISION" "BUT IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR TRADITIONAL PRINCIPLES" "OF FREE ENTERPRISE AND HEALTHY COMPETITION" "I'M GOING TO ASK THE TWO OF YOU TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR IT." "NO, I'M AFRAID THERE'S NO REDUNDANCY SCHEME." "Narrator with foreign accent:" "IN THE HARD AND UNRELENTING WORLD OF NATURE" "THE CEASELESS STRUGGLE FOR SURVIVAL CONTINUES." "THIS TIME ONE OF THE PANTOMIME HORSES CONCEDES DEFEAT" "AND SO LIVES TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY." "HERE IN A COLONY OF SEA LIONS, WE SEE A HUGE BULL SEA LION" "SEEING OFF AN INTRUDING BULL" "WHO IS ATTEMPTING TO INTRUDE ON HIS HAREM." "THIS PATTERN OF AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR" "IS TYPICAL OF THESE DOCUMENTARIES." "HERE WE SEE TWO LIMPETS" "LOCKED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE FOR TERRITORY." "THE HUGE BULL LIMPET, ENRAGED BY THE ROCK" "ENDEAVORS TO ENCIRCLE ITS SPRIGHTLY OPPONENT." "HERE WE SEE AN ANT." "THIS ANT IS ENGAGED IN A LIFE- OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH THE WOLF." "YOU CAN SEE THE ANT CREEPING UP ON THE WOLF ON ALL SIXES." "NOW HE STOPS TO OBSERVE." "SATISFIED THAT THE WOLF HAS NOT HEARD HIM, HE APPROACHES NEARER." "WITH GREAT SKILL, HE CHOOSES HIS MOMENT" "AND THEN, QUICK AS A LIMPET" "WITH ONE MIGHTY BOUND, BURIES HIS FANGS IN THE WOLF'S NECK." "THE WOLF STRUGGLES TO NO AVAIL." "A BATTLE OF THIS KIND CAN TAKE ANYTHING UP TO 15 YEARS" "BECAUSE THE TIMBER ANT HAS SUCH A TINY MOUTH." "HERE WE SEE HEINZ SIELMANN" "ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH PETER SCOTT." "THEY ARE ENGAGED IN A BITTER PUNCH-UP OVER REPEAT FEES" "ON THE OVERSEAS SALES OF THEIR NATURE DOCUMENTARIES." "NOW THEY HAVE BEEN JOINED BY AN ENRAGED JACQUES COUSTEAU." "THIS IS TYPICAL OF THE HARSH AND BITCHY WORLD" "OF TELEVISION FEATURES." "HERE WE SEE A HONEYBEAR" "NOT ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE ABOUT ANYTHING." "THESE HONEYBEARS ARE PLACID AND PEACEFUL CREATURES" "AND CONSEQUENTLY BAD TELEVISION." "HERE WE SEE A PANTOMIME HORSE." "IT IS ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE" "FOR A JOB WITH A MERCHANT BANK." "HOWEVER, HIS RIVAL EMPLOYEE, THE HUGE BULL PANTOMIME HORSE" "IS LYING IN WAIT FOR HIM." "POOR PANTOMIME HORSE." "HERE WE SEE A PANTOMIME GOOSE" "ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH TERENCE RATTIGAN." "THE ENRAGED GOOSE FIRES." "POOR TERENCE..." "ANOTHER VICTIM OF THIS SILLY FILM." "HERE WE SEE AN ENRAGED PANTOMIME PRINCESS MARGARET." "SHE IS LYING IN WAIT FOR HER BREAKFAST." "THE UNSUSPECTING BREAKFAST GLIDES EVER CLOSER TO ITS DOOM." "THE ENRAGED PANTOMIME ROYAL PERSON IS POISED FOR THE KILL." "SHE RAISES HER HARPOON AND FIRES." "PANG!" "RIGHT IN THE TOAST." "A BRIEF STRUGGLE, AND ALL IS OVER." "POOR BREAKFAST." "ANOTHER VICTIM OF... ( screams )" "( running footsteps )" "( running footsteps )" "OH, A PANTOMIME PHRASE CAUGHT HIMSELF" "A NICE LITTLE DINNER, FRED." "( ferocious roaring )" "I THINK THE DINING ROOM WANTS HIS DIN-DINS, TOO." "YOUR TURN TODAY, DEAR." "( terrible screaming )" "( room burps )" "( ferocious roaring )" "ALL RIGHT, MR. BEDROOM." "YOU'LL GET YOUR DINNER, TOO." "( Fred screaming )" "( screaming stops )" "( doorbell rings )" "POSTMAN." "( postman screaming, house roars )" "( woman humming "Greensleeves" )" "( house growls )" "( man yelling )" "( man screaming, house roaring )" "Woman:" "OH..." "WELL, THE 69's LATE AGAIN TODAY." "( roaring )" "( people screaming )" "( growling quietly )" "( toilet flushes )" "( laughter )" "( leaves rustling )" "DO YOU HEAR THAT, TIM?" "YEP..." "COULD JUST BE" "THE HOUSE WE'RE LOOKING FOR." "THIS, THEN, IS THE STORY OF TWO DESPERA TE MEN" "HIRED BY THE GOOD PEOPLE AT N. C.P. CAR PARKS" "TO HUNT DOWN AND DESTROY HOUSES TOO DANGEROUS TO LIVE." "WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?" "OH, THESE ARE HOUSE DROPPINGS, ALL RIGHT." "( laughter )" "OKAY, LET'S GO." "( house snoring )" "PST, OVER HERE." "THAT'S THE ONE." "COVER ME." "I'M GOING TO MAKE A TRY FOR IT." "( house snoring )" "( hunters cheering )" "( cash register dings )" "( brakes screeching, horns blaring, crashing )" "AND SO, THANKS ONCEAGAIN TO THE UNCEASING EFFORTS" "OF THE GOOD PEOPLE AT N. C.P. CAR PARKS" "THE WORLD IS MADE JUSTA LITTLE BIT SAFER." "( blowing a raspberry )" "( audience laughter )" "G-GOOD MORNING." "MORNING, SIR." "I'D LIKE TO JOIN THE ARMY, PLEASE." "I SEE." "SHORT SERVICE OR LONG SERVICE COMMISSION, SIR?" "UH, LONG AS POSSIBLE, PLEASE." "RIGHT, WELL, I'LL JUST TAKE A FEW PARTICULARS" "AND THEN..." "SHOVE OFF!" "( laughter )" "AND THEN THERE'LL BE A FEW FORMS TO SIGN." "OF COURSE WE'LL NEED SOME REFERENCES" "AND THEN A FULL MEDICAL EXAMINATION BY THE..." "YES, I SEE." "I-I WAS JUST WONDERING" "WHETHER IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE" "FOR ME TO..." "JOIN..." "THE WOMEN'S ARMY." "( laughter )" "THE WOMEN'S ROYAL ARMY CORPS, SIR?" "UH, YES, I WAS JUST THINKING, YOU KNOW" "IF IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE MY CHOICE" "I'D PREFER TO BE IN THE WOMEN'S ROYAL ARMY CORPS." "WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT THE PEOPLE THAT RECRUIT HERE" "NORMALLY GO STRAIGHT INTO THE SCOTS GUARDS." "WHICH IS ALL MEN, I SUPPOSE." "YES, IT IS." "YES." "ARE THERE ANY REGIMENTS" "WHICH ARE MORE..." "EFFEMINATE THAN OTHERS?" "WELL, NO, SIR." "I MEAN, APART FROM THE MARINES, THEY'RE ALL DEAD BUTCH." "SEE, WHAT I REALLY WANTED" "WAS A REGIMENT WHERE I COULD BE REALLY QUIET" "AND HAVE MORE TIME TO MYSELF" "TO WORK WITH FABRICS" "AND CREATING NEW CONCEPTS IN INTERIOR DESIGN." "WORKING WITH FABRICS" "AND EXPERIMENTING WITH INTERIOR DESIGN?" "YES." "OH, WELL, YOU WANT THE DURHAM LIGHT INFANTRY, THEN, SIR." "OH." "THAT'S THE ONLY REGIMENT THAT'S REALLY DOING SOMETHING NEW" "WITH INTERIOR DESIGN" "WITH COLOR, TEXTURE AND LINE AND THAT." "I SEE." "OH, YES" " I MEAN" "THEIR USE OF COLOR WITH FABRICS IS FANTASTIC." "I SAW THEIR PATTERN BOOK THE OTHER DAY" "BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL." "SAVAGE TANS..." "GREAT SLABS OF BLACK, SET AGAINST AGGRESSIVE ORANGE." "IT REALLY MAKES YOU WANT TO SHOUT OUT" ""THIS IS GOOD!" "THIS IS REAL!"" "REALLY?" "OH, YES" " I MEAN" "THE INNISKILLIN FUSILIERS" "AND THE ANGLIAN REGIMENT ARE ALL RIGHT" "IF YOU'RE INTERESTED" "IN THE ART NOUVEAU WILLIAM MORRIS REVIVAL BIT" "BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT A REGIMENTAL LINE" "THAT IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT INTERIOR DECOR" "THEN YOU'VE GOT TO GO FOR THE DURHAM LIGHT INFANTRY." "OH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS." "I'M HANDING IN MY NOTICE." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "WELL, I MEAN, WHEN I APPLIED FOR THIS JOB" "I THOUGHT I'D GET A FEW DECENT LINES" "BUT YOU END UP DOING THE WHOLE THING." "I MEAN, MY LAST FIVE SPEECHES HAVE BEEN" ""REALLY," "REALLY," "I SEE," "I SEE" AND "REALLY."" "I WOULDN'T GIVE THOSE LINES TO A DOG." "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SONNY." "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT." "WE'LL DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT." "I'LL BE A BUS CONDUCTOR, AND YOU CAN BE" "A REALLY FUNNY PASSENGER ON A BUS." "ANY MORE FARES, PLEASE?" "I'VE GOT A CHAUFFEUR" "AND EVERY TIME I GO TO THE LAVATORY" "HE DRIVES ME POTTY!" "BOOM-BOOM!" "ONE IN A ROW." "I'M NOT UNUSUAL, I'M JUST..." "FIVEPENNY, PLEASE." "FIVE BEAUTIFUL PENNIES GOING INTO THE BAG" "AND YOU ARE THE LUCKY WINNER OF..." "ONE FIVEPENNY TICKET." "WHAT'S THE WELSHMAN DOING UNDER THE BED?" "HE'S HAVING A LEAK!" "OH, THEY'RE ALL IN HERE TONIGHT." "LOOK!" "I AM LOOKING." "IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN KEEP MY EYELIDS APART." "BOOM-BOOM!" "EVERY ONE A MASERATI." "LOOK, YOU SAID I WAS GOING TO BE A FUNNY PASSENGER." "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "I MEAN, ALL I SAID WAS, "FIVEPENNY, PLEASE."" "YOU CAN'T CALL THAT A FUNNY LINE." "WELL, IT'S THE WAY YOU SAID IT." "NO, IT ISN'T." "NOBODY CAN SAY "FIVEPENNY, PLEASE"" "AND MAKE IT FUNNY." "FIVEPENNY, PLEASE." "MORNING." "( both laughing hysterically )" "NOT SO WARM TODAY, EH, GEORGE?" "( laughing )" "Woman:" "GOOD MORNING." "Man in bowler:" "GOOD MORNING." "( everyone laughing )" "( knock at door )" "COME IN, MR. HORTON." "MORNING, SIR." "( stifling a laugh )" "( clears his throat )" "DO, UH..." "DO SIT DOWN." "THANK YOU, SIR." "( snickering )" "NOW, THEN, HORTON." "YOU'VE BEEN WITH US FOR 20 YEARS" "AND YOUR WORK IN THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT" "HAS BEEN IMMACULATE." "NO, NO" " PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING." "AS I SAY, YOUR WORK HAS BEEN BEYOND REPROACH." "BUT UNFORTUNATELY" "THE EFFECT YOU ARE HAVING ON YOUR COLLEAGUES" "HAS UNDERMINED THE COMPETENCE..." "HAS UNDERMINED THE COMPETENCE OF THIS FIRM TO SUCH A POINT" "THAT I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT NO OPTION... ( sniffs )" "BUT TO SACK YOU." "I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT, SIR." "IT COULDN'T HAVE COME AT A WORSE TIME." "( guffawing )" "THERE'S SCHOOL FEES FOR THE TWO BOYS COMING UP" "AND THE WIFE'S TREATMENT COSTING MORE NOW, SIR." "I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE MONEY'S COMING FROM AS IT IS." "AND NOW I DON'T SEE ANY FUTURE." "I'D BEEN HOPING I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HANG ON HERE" "JUST FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS" "BUT NOW..." "I..." "I JUST WANT TO GO OUT AND END IT ALL." "( laughing hysterically )" "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU." "AND NOW FOR THE FISH" "THE FISH DOWN THE TROUSERS." "( woman shrieks with laughter )" "IT'S YOUR LAUGH, MATE, IT'S NOT MINE." "IT'S YOUR TROUSERS, NOT MY TROUSERS" " YOUR TROUSERS." "AND NOW FOR THE WHITEWASH." "THE WHITEWASH OVER YOU... ( laughter )" "NOT OVER ME, IT'S OVER YOU." "YOU GET THE LAUGHS." "YOU GET ALL THE LAUGHS." "AND NOW FOR THE CUSTARD PIE IN THE MUSH." "( laughter )" "IT'S NOT MY MUSH, IT'S YOUR MUSH." "IT'S YOUR LAUGH" "IT'S YOUR LAUGH, MATE, IT'S NOT MINE." "IT'S YOUR BLEEDING LAUGH." "( laughter )" "( applause )" "( carnival waltz musicplaying )" "GOOD EVENING." "WELL, TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT..." "WELL, THAT IS, I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT..." "WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M TALKING ABOUT IT NOW." "WELL, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT IT NOW, BUT I AM TALKING." "I KNOW I'M PAUSING OCCASIONALLY" "AND NOT TALKING DURING THE PAUSES" "BUT THE PAUSES ARE PART OF THE WHOLE PROCESS OF TALKING." "WHEN ONE TALKS, ONE HAS TO PAUSE." "UH..." "LIKE THEN." "I PAUSED, BUT I WAS STILL TALKING." "AND AGAIN THERE!" "THE REAL POINT OF WHAT I'M SAYING IS" "THAT WHEN I APPEAR NOT TO BE TALKING" "DON'T GO NIPPING OUT TO THE KITCHEN, PUTTING THE KETTLE ON" "BUTTERING SCONES" "OR GETTING CRUMBS AND BITS OF FOOD" "OUT OF THOSE ROUND, BROWN STRAW MATS" "THAT THE TEAPOT GOES ON, YOU KNOW." "BECAUSE IN ALL PROBABILITY, I'M STILL TALKING" "AND WHAT YOU HEARD WAS A PAUSE." "LIKE THERE AGAIN." "LOOK, TO MAKE IT ABSOLUTELY EASIER" "SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM AT ALL" "WHAT I'LL DO IS I'LL GIVE YOU SOME KIND OF SIGN, LIKE THIS..." "WHEN I'M STILL TALKING AND ONLY PAUSING IN BETWEEN WORDS." "AND WHEN I'M FINISHED ALTOGETHER I'LL DO THIS, ALL RIGHT?" "NO, NO, SORRY!" "NO, NO." "SORRY, JUST DEMONSTRATING." "HAVEN'T FINISHED." "HAVEN'T STARTED YET." "OH, DEAR." "NEARLY FORGOT THE GESTURE." "HOPE NONE OF YOU ARE NIPPING OUT INTO THE KITCHEN" "GETTING BITS OF FOOD OUT OF THOSE ROUND, BROWN MATS" "WHICH THE..." "GOOD EVENING." "TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT..." "Announcer:" "WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO ANNOY YOU" "AND MAKE THINGS GENERALLY IRRITA TING FOR YOU." "...WITH A LARGE PIECE OF WET PAPER." "TURN THE PAPER OVER..." "TURN THE PAPER OVER, KEEPING YOUR EYE ON THE CAMEL" "AND PASTE DOWN THE EDGE OF THE SAILOR'S UNIFORM" "UNTIL THE WORD "MAUDLING" IS ALMOST TOTALLY OBSCURED." "( laughter )" "WELL, THAT'S ONE WAY OF DOING IT." "GOOD EVENING." "WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM AGAIN" ""A, " TO IRRITA TE YOU" "AND "B, " TO PROVIDE WORK FOR ONE OF OUR ANNOUNCERS." "Announcer 2:" "GOOD EVENING." "I'M THEANNOUNCER WHO'SJUST BEEN GIVEN THISJOB BY THE BBC" "AND I'DJUST LIKE TO SA Y HOW GRA TEFUL I AM TO THE BBC" "FOR PROVIDING ME WITH WORK" "PARTICULARLYAT THIS TIME OF YEAR" "WHEN THINGSAREA BIT THIN FOR USANNOUNCERS." "UM..." "I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD TELL YOU THIS, BUT..." "WELL, I HA VE BEEN GOING THROUGH A RA THER TOUGH TIME RECENTL Y." "( laughter )" "THINGS HA VE BEEN PRETTYAWFUL AT HOME." "MY WIFE, JOSEPHINE-- "JOE-JUMS"AS I CALL HER" "WHO'SALSO AN ANNOUNCER..." "Woman:" "HELLO." "Announcer 2:" "UH, HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO ANNOUNCE" "SINCE OUR YOUNGEST, CLIFFORD, WAS BORN, AND... ( sighs )" "WELL, I'VEJUST GOT NO CONFIDENCE LEFT." "I MEAN..." "I CAN'T GET UP IN THE MORNING." "I FEEL THERE'S NOTHING WORTH LIVING FOR." "Announcer 3:" "HELLO, I'M ANOTHER ANNOUNCER." "MY NAME IS DICK." "JOE-JUMSJUST RANG ME" "AND SAIDJACK WAS HA VING A BAD TIME WITH THISANNOUNCEMENT" "SO I'VEJUST COME TO GIVE HIM A HAND." "HOW IS HE, JOE-JUMS?" "Joe-Jums:" "PRETTY BAD, DICK." "Dick:" "JACK, IT'S DICK." "DO YOU WANTME TO MAKE THEANNOUNCEMENT?" "Jack:" "NO." "( trembling ):" "NO, DICK, I MUST DO ITMYSELF." "( audience laughter )" "IT'S MY LAST CHANCE WITH THE BBC." "I CAN'T THROW ITAWA Y." "I'VE GOT TO DO IT" "FORJOE-JUMS, FOR THE KIDS..." "I'VE GOT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT." "Dick:" "GOOD MAN." "NOW, REMEMBER YOUR ANNOUNCER'S TRAINING" "DEEP BREA THS, AND TRY NOT TO THINKABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SA YING." "( laughter )" "( Jack inhales deeply )" "Jack ( calmly ):" "GOOD EVENING." "THIS IS BBC 1." "Joe-Jums ( softly ):" "GOOD LUCK, JACK." "Dick:" "KEEP GOING, OLD BOY." "Jack:" "IT'S 9:00" "AND TIME FOR THE NEWS" "READ BY RICHARD BAKER." "Joe-Jums:" "YOU'VE DONE IT!" "Dick:" "CONGRA TULA TIONS, OLD MAN!" "Jack:" "WAS IT OKA Y?" "Dick:" "ABSOLUTELY TOP-O!" "Joe-Jums:" "ABSOLUTELY MARVELOUS." "YOU KNOW YOU WERE!" "FANTASTIC, DARLING!" "YOU WERE BRILLIANT, REALLY." "( Baker inaudible )" "Party hostess:" "IT'S SO MARVELOUS TO HA VE YOU HERE." "( cocktail glasses clinking )" "Dick:" "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DRINK THIS... ( audience laughter )" "( audience laughter )" "Jack:" "THANKS VERY MUCH." "( muddle of conversation, glasses clinking )" "( laughter )" "( more laughter )" "( Baker still inaudible )" "( muddled cocktail chatter continues )" "Jack:" "I CAN'T TELL YOU HOWMUCH THATMEANS." "Dick:" "I THINK IT'SA TURNING POINT... ( jumble of conversations )" "( jumble of conversations )" "WHA T?" "Man 2:" "IS THAT GORDON?" "Man 1:" "YES" " HANG ON, REGGIE." "( celebratory chatter and laughter fade out ) ...UNTIL THE NAME MAUDLING IS ALMOST TOTALLY OBSCURED." "THAT IS THE NED OF THE NICLOE-NOCK WENS." "AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE LATE-NIGHT FLIM." "( James Bond-type theme playing )" "( theme ends )" "( audience laughter )" "OH!" "OH, PANTOMIME HORSE, THAT WAS..." "WONDERFUL!" "WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER GLASS?" "OH, NO, NO, I MUSTN'T." "IT MAKES ME THROW UP." "( sighs )" "OH, I'M SO BLEEDING HAPPY." "( laughter )" "OH, SIMONE." "OH, PANTOMIME HORSE." "THEN... ( fires revolver )" "( laughter )" "( suspenseful chase musicplaying )" "( laughter )" "Announcer:" "AND NOW THE ENGLISH PANTOMIME HORSE" "HAS VERY NEARLY CAUGHT UP WITH THE RUSSIAN PANTOMIME HORSE." "I THINK HE'S GOING TO TAKE HIM ANY MOMENT NOW." "BUT WHAT IS THIS?" "WHAT IS THIS?" "YES, IT'S THE PANTOMIME PRINCESS MARGARET" "AND THE PANTOMIME GOOSE" "AND THEY'RE ATTACKING THE ENGLISH PANTOMIME HORSE" "AND THE RUSSIAN PANTOMIME HORSE HAS GOT AWAY" "BUT WHO IS THIS?" "MY GOODNESS ME!" "IT'S THE DUKE OF KENT TO THE RESCUE." "( laughter )" "and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS" "Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]" "( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March " playing )" "Narrator with German accent:" "HERE YOU SEE" "SOME ENGLISH COMIC ACTORS" "ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE" "WITH A RATHER WEAK ENDING." "THIS IS TYPICAL OF THE ZANY, MADCAP WORLD" "OF THE IRRESISTIBLE, KOOKY FUNSTERS." "THE ENGLISH PANTOMIME HORSE WINS" "AND SO IS ASSURED OF A PLACE IN BRITISH HISTORY" "AND A STEADY JOB IN A MERCHANT BANK." "( blows a raspberry )" "UNFORTUNATELY, BEFORE HIS PENSION RIGHTS ARE ASSURED" "HE CATCHES BRONCHITIS AND DIES" "ANOTHER VICTIM OF THE NEED TO FINISH THESE SHOWS ON TIME."