"# Big Train" "# Big Train" "Excuse me, a man's just been shot in that building society." "A guy came in with a mask on, and a gun, and he shot this old man." "Yeah." "I don't know if he's dead, but he's on the ground." "Oh, dear, dear. (tuts)" "Nobody else can get out. i was at the end of the queue, so I got out, but everybody else is stuck in there." "Leave it be. lt'll probably blow over in a minute." "I think something bad's gonna happen." "He's gonna shoot the people in there." "Phurrr..." "Uhhhhh." " Please, there's kids." " l'm quite tense now." " l can picture it, it's just..." "Oh, dear." " You've got to do something." "Well, I would normally, but I haven't got my notebook, and I don't trust myself without my notebook." " Please, please help me." " Oh, dear, oh, oh, oh." "Oh." " All those people are gonna die in there." " Well, let's not exaggerate." "You could just as easily, you know, chase them or..." " Sorry, I've just..." "Excuse me." " Yes, sir?" " This young woman's seen..." " A shooting in that building society." "The guy with the gun is still in there, and I think there's a man who's dead in there." " She's asked me if I'll help." " Well, best leave it to us, sir." "Could you show us where it is?" "Could you stay here please, sir?" "Well, here we are." "It's Ted Stead against Sid Hartha." "If you've just joined us, you're watching the 43rd World Stare-Out Championship finals." "Hartha there, "the Grasshopper"." "Good to see him back, David." "(David) Yes." "Well, he did have that terrible incident with that stray eyelash in the semifinal of the Hungarian invitation event in Budapest." "To have an eyelash digging into the retina two minutes into the game, I mean... (John) Amazingly, he still won." "It was a great display of staring." "(David) Yes." "Les Spencer, his opponent, just didn't know what to do." "Hell!" "Take the wheel." "Goddammit!" "Mr Rawlings, will you stop using that sort of language?" " You gonna yack, or can you drive?" " l'll have you know, I have been driving..." " Then put your hands on the wheel..." " l know perfectly well what to do!" " Shut up." " l will not shut up!" " l said shut up!" " How dare you speak to me like that!" " Get on the roof of the jeep." " l will do no such th..." "Get on the roof of the jeep!" "(distant rumbling)" "Now hold on." "Jockeys." "Something must have spooked 'em." "Just when I think I understand Africa, it throws something new at me." "Get used to it!" "(beeping)" "(child's voice) My name is Paul." "I am 521/2 years old." "This is my bathroom." "I like shaving." "I polish my shoes until they are very shiny." "I am the general manager of Brownings Bank in London." "Our slogan is, "Your future is safe with us. "" "I am in charge of millions of pounds." "I lend money to people to help them buy houses." "This is Mr Sutton and his wife, Mrs Sutton." "They are married and want to buy a house, but they have a bad credit rating, and I cannot lend them money cos they might not pay me back." "This is Mr Spencer, the senior accounts manager." "He's my best friend." "His secretary is called Elaine." "They are having an affair." "After work I go to a pub with my friends." "I like talking about finance." "I also like football." "My favourite team is Manchester United." "I like pop music as well." "My favourite groups are Simply Red and Genesis." "I'm usually very tired after a day in my office." "But I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow." " There you go." " Cheers." "So, tell us then." "How was it?" " Oh, well." "Have you told her?" " No." "It just rained." "Two days fine, sunshine, great." "Then it just rained non-stop." "We couldn't believe it." "(man) That is such bad luck." "That happened to me." "My mates and I went to Jamaica ten years ago, saved up all year." "Got there, didn't stop raining - unbelievable." "There's Brian." "Brian!" "Oh, no, don't bring him over." "It's all right." "What's your problem?" "Brian!" " Brian!" " Hiya." " Hello." " Hello." " Come and join us?" " Yeah, sure." " What you doing in town?" " Hanging around." "Saw a film." " What did you see?" " Godzilla. lt's a good film, actually." "(chuckles)" " Was there something funny about that?" " No, nothing at all." " Just I prefer films for grown-ups, that's all." " Come on, man, we're just having a drink." "(mutters) Piss off and get some cheese." "What was that?" "D'you wanna say something to my face?" " Oi, oi!" " (shouting)" "What is your problem?" "Come on!" "Jesus Christ!" "No, come on!" "Brian!" "Brian!" "Brian, let him go." "Come on, man." "Fuck, man, come on." "Don't fucking start on me!" " Leave me alone." " Leave him alone." " No!" "Stop it!" " Come on, oi!" "Don't fucking..." "Just get..." "Come on!" "Aaargh!" "Stop it, all of you!" "Ken, come on, man, just go home, man." " l'll fucking kill him!" "I'll fucking kill him!" " Just go, man." "Just go." "Just go." " You're dead!" " Yeah, yeah." " Wanker!" " Just come on." "Are you all right?" "Oh!" "Fuck the pair of you!" "(mouse retching)" "You all right?" "Come on, Brian, just fuck off now." " Just go away!" " l'll take him home." " All right, come on." " Tell him..." "All right." "Just come on." "Let's go and have a pint." "Come on." "Yeah, fuck off!" "I'll see you back at the house." "Oh, come on, man." "Jesus!" "If you've tuned in to watch "Changing Rooms", let me tell you that that will follow immediately after our extended coverage." "(alarm sounds)" "(alarm stops)" "Um, guys, sorry, can I just say something for a moment?" "I know this won't make me popular, but the supervisor's coming tomorrow, and I don't want to see any wanking in the office." "That's bullshit!" "And to be honest, I think we have to cut it out altogether." " No way!" " Sorry." "Oh, come on, there's, you know, there's such a thing as morale here." "Last week you took the coffee machine away, now we've got to go to the kitchen for a cup of coffee." "Now you're saying we can't wank in the office!" "You're trampling on our rights, Roger." " There are plenty of good reasons for it." " Well, what are they?" "One of the reasons is..." "the stink and the mess in this office." "Oh, get used to it!" "Come on!" "How well do we work?" "How well do we work when we can just wank at will?" "Everybody's got a way of making it work." "There's a good system, it's working for us." "Please don't stop it." "I became part of this team, not because of the pay or the pension, but because frankly the wanking was great." "It was exciting to be part of." " You knew what the policy was, so..." " Maybe it's because I've worked in France." " What's wrong with wanking at home?" " We do, it's just you can't do it exclusively." " l want that stopped." " Bollocks." "Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks." " l'm sorry. lt's just covert oppression." " l don't want to make a big deal of it." "When we're wanking, performance is higher, morale is higher." "Everybody knows that." "Remember when we didn't wank for a week, for charity?" "(boss) I do." " Well, I, I, I..." " The business..." "We virtually folded." "I like to wank as much as anybody else, but some people don't." "Peter, you were saying?" " There's a big surprise(!" ") - l don't like it." " You should have said." " l have said. I find it really... (boss) lf you did a poll in the building, I think you'd find... I find it really embarrassing." "Sometimes I just look up and I just see James wanking away, and I just think it's disgusting." "Oh, that's nice(!" ") So the sight of me wanking is disgusting?" " No, I don't mean..." "You know what I mean." " l find it hard to understand what you mean." " (boss) What Peter's trying to say..." " lf, if, if I may..." "My position is this:" "I do not want to be sent to a little room to have a wank like a leper." " l want to wank in here." " lt's literally affecting my work." " (woman) But you've not said." " l've got the figures here from Alexander's." " Look at that." "And that's total..." " That's not me." "That's total assets for December, right?" "And it is you." "So I've got to get in touch with Alexander's, say, "Can you fax your figures through again?"" "Because I can't see the total assets for December, because of James's semen." "It's outrageous." "(boss) My concern is what the supervisor will think." "If he sees the state of this office - l mean, look at it!" "(woman) We'll give it a tidy-up." "Let's see the figures for when we didn't wank." "I'll show you a company that didn't work well." "I don't want to discuss it any more." "Any more complaints, put them in writing." "But starting from tomorrow, no more wanking, OK?" "Sorry." "Matthew, have you been listening to a word I've been saying?" "Let's just look at Ted "the Head" Stead." "Wayward boy of American stare mastery, they say." "(David) He's quite a boy." "(John) Stead knocking on Hartha's door, but can he get in?" "Well, you need very big knockers for that, John." "(both start chuckling)" "(John, trying to stifle laughter) Well, Stead..." "Stead... (David, trying to stifle laughter) Um, yes." "Stead... (both burst into laughter)" "(David) This is a massive... (laughs)" "This is a massive test for Ted Stead." "(collapses into laughter)" "(John) A spot of... hilarity breaking in the commentary box." "I really do apologise." "(hysterical laughter)" "(David) I'm sorry..." "I'm sorry." "(laughter continues)" "Because they prefer the weeds of the plane, the jockeys spend long periods in the open, risking attack from hunters, like The Artist Formerly Known As Prince." "(squawking)" "(squawking)" "After feasting greedily on the carcass, the artist will sleep." "It will be two days before he hunts again." "Hi, Vivienne?" "Yeah, it's James here." "Yeah, hi." "Yeah, fine." "Yeah, I'm just ringing about Friday's meeting." "Yeah, with Peter." "Yeah, well, it just occurs to me that he's a vegetarian." "Yeah." "So if we can lay on some..." "That's great, yeah." "Nothing too mad because Elaine's gonna be there as well." "Yeah." "And, what?" "Oh, yes, there's another problem about Friday I was a bit worried about." "Um, I've turned into a ventriloquist's dummy." "Yeah." "Yeah." "No, no one of the old-fashioned, scary ones." "Yeah." "Well, I was wondering, should we tell him, or...?" "Cos I don't want him to get..." "Yeah." "Yeah, probably best to play it by ear." "Yeah." "(chuckles)" "OK, yeah, will do." "All right, thanks, darling." "See ya." "Bye." "(John) And we can go over now to the match on court three, where we have the young amateur from Mexico who's done so well in this tournament," "Arturo Giminez." "There he is on the left." "The first Mexican to take the gold at last year's Olympics, which really put Mexico on the staring map." "And he seems very much in control of this match against the Latvian, Ludek Mintz." "(David) It won't be easy, John." "Ludek there, he's always a tough nut to crack..." "literally." " (John) Hm, yes." " (buzzer)" "Well, here comes the stare break - a feature very much associated with the amateur game." "(David) Of course, there are no stare breaks allowed in the professional game." "The stare break very much a safety aspect of the amateur game, as is staring indoors." "You may remember the controversy last year when three amateur starers went blind whilst staring outdoors on a sunny day." "(John) Yes, I always say to the young kids out there, David, please do enjoy your staring, but it's important to be aware of the risks involved." "That's what's marvellous about this proposal." "I believe, Minister, the Eagle Line supertrain'll revolutionise train travel in the new century." "London to Edinburgh in superfast time." "That's great, if it can get from London to Edinburgh as fast as that." "I mean, what is it?" "It's just a fraction of a second." "No, no, well, the actual train wouldn't be quite as fast as that." "I think London to Edinburgh is about three and a half hours." "Right, yes, of course." "Sorry, I should say, that train there though, there's no way we could give you the franchise if your trains were that small." "No, that's a..." "This is a model of the train." "The actual train would be about, well, it would be the size of a normal train." "Of course, yes, of course." "The actual train will be bigger." "And if it's bigger, then it can get from here to here much quicker because that really isn't such a big distance, is it?" "No, no." "Sorry, I see what you..." "No, this isn't Britain." "This is a map of Britain, and Britain is bigger than this." "Yes, obviously." "These are all obviously smaller versions of everything, but then doesn't that stand to reason that..." " This may sound stupid." " No, please." "Well, if the trains are going to be bigger and the country is bigger, then won't we need a... a giant to push the train?" "No." "Yes, that's silly, isn't it?" "The trains aren't..." "They're not pushed by people, they're powered." "Yes, yes, yes, I've got it now." "I don't know what I was thinking." "Aargh!" " Sorry." "Are you all right?" " Yes, for a second I thought I might be... might be a giant, but I'm not, am I?" "I'm not a giant?" "No, Minister." "There are no giants." "That's what makes this college as great an institution as it is today." "So now all that remains is for me to hand over the cheque for ?" "1 0,000 to the man who's made it all possible and done so much work." "Mr Peter Newsgarden." "(applause)" "(# "Wonderful Tonight")" "# It's late in the evening" "# She's wondering what clothes to wear" "# She'll put on her make-up" "# And brushes her long, blonde hair" "# And then she'll ask me," "# "Do I look all right?"" "# And I say, "Yes"" "# "You look wonderful tonight"" "I've been going to dating agencies for about a year now, and I think the problem, really, is with my choice of person." "I'm not having any luck with my usual choice, which is beautiful, tall, intelligent women." "I think what I have to do, really, is go for the complete, absolute opposite." "Maybe then I'll have more luck in finding my perfect partner, whatever." " So I think the absolute opposite." " OK." "Mm. I mean, my parents split up when I was about seven years old, but they're friends now and I've never used it as a crutch." "Some do." "Anyway, heavy, heavy." "I see you're interested in Harley-Davidsons." "Yeah, it's a way of life." "It's what it's all about, really." "I love that idea of having something that's like a focus, and you can just live that way." " That's it." "You get on a bike and go." " D'you have it here?" "I'd love it if you could give me a lift home, cos l was gonna get a cab." "Yeah, I'll give you a lift." "Come in for a coffee or something." " l'd love to." " Yeah, lovely." "(barks)" "And I just found myself becoming really envious of nonsmokers, you know?" "I hate the smell of tobacco on my fingertips." "I've tried every self-help book. I wanna quit." " So you thought you'd give hypnotism a go?" " Hm." " Very wise." " But I am a bit nervous, I have to say." "No need to be." "Very straightforward." "Just... lie back comfortably on the couch for a second for me." "That's it, and focus all your attention on my bow tie." " Still feel like smoking?" " l do a little bit, to be honest." "Bit of a craving?" "Yeah?" "Never mind, bear with me a moment." "Uh, right." "Laura, hi." "Could you ask Peter to step in for a moment, please?" " That's my colleague." " (knock at door)" "Peter, hi." "Mrs Phillips. I've tried the bow tie, and she's still rather interested in smoking." " l wondered if you could have a go." " Yeah, sure." "Hi." "Stay seated." "Just relax and look into my eyes." "How about that?" "Do you still feel like smoking?" "There is still a craving there." " What I'll do is I'll bring Tim in, shall I?" " Good idea." "I'll bring in Tim Rowlands, and I should point out he is an evil hypnotist." " Right." " So..." " Tim?" " Yeah?" " Can you come in here a second?" " Sure." " Hi." "This is Mrs Phillips." " Hello." "She is extraordinarily resistant to hypnotism, and I wondered if you could have a go." "She wants to give up smoking." "Right. I'll give it a try." "You do know I'm an evil hypnotist?" " Yeah." " OK, fine." "Well, if you'd just like to lay back and relax, we'll see what we can do." "OK?" "Now, you're feeling sleepy, sleepy." "Very, very sleepy." "Now, when you awake you will no longer crave cigarettes." "OK." "Now, would you care for a cigarette?" "No." "(evil laugh)" "It worked!" "It worked!" "OK?" "(John) Well, what a delicately poised match we have here." "The first four hours have really zipped by." "So far both masters haven't given an inch, but there's a keen anticipation that there's an attack lurking somewhere in the pipeline." "Which player will it come from?" "It's absolutely neck and neck here," " and that makes for fantastic viewing." " (David) Oh, good game this one." "(John) Oh, Richard Gere among the crowd todayl" "(chain rattling, door unlocking)" "(clanking continues)" "There!" "(woman) My dear brother, what is one to say in a situation like this?" "You are to be executed tomorrow and I shall never see you again." "I remember so many things from our childhood, especially the song we used to sing." "(punk-like grunting) # Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh" "# Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh" "# Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh..." "# Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh..." "There were other songs we used to sing, but my favourite was always.'" "# Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh" "# Uh huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh" "Your loving sister, Emily." "(tries to imitate sister's singing)" "Visiontext Subtitles:" "Natasha Cohn"