"Previously on californication..." "Did u two come together?" "No!" "we just came in together." "I've never stepped outside of my marriage before." "But i'm guessing that you feel like you're..." "Owed one." "Come on. you're coming in." "I want to take a look at you." "This is so not fair." "Daisy... came to see me." "What'd she say, that little tramp?" "She said that she had contracted a few STDs." "No, i seriously think i'm gonna throw up right now." "What could possibly be so awful" "About visiting the woman" "Who pushed you through her magnificent vagina?" "Chelsea has lakers tickets." "I'm so excited." "I can't wait to squeeze that little peanut." "I wouldn't get too excited." "She hasn't been very pleasant lately." "Hey!" "look who's here." "Not even a hello. oh, good times." "What?" "were you just gonna leave me behind?" "My god." "Chelsea. i need to take this." "What--what do you mean?" "What, are you with the organ transplant team?" "Shut that shit down." "Tell your old man about your weekend." "Start by telling me how much you missed me." "Oh, we had a grand old time." "Soaked up some culture, did you?" "Museums, shopping, girl talk?" "some dirty-wateru thought... yes" "What?" "Whoa. what?" "where you going?" "I'm still allowed to pee, aren't i?" "Remember this?" "Remember when you thought... yes." "That was a good idea?" "it's awful." "I don't recognize her anymore." "I told you. she's changed, right?" "She's a miserable little bitch all the time now." "I guess at least we know why, right?" "We do?" "Chelsea." "It's all she cares about anymore." "Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea." "Well, i-it's better than her caring about a boy, right?" "'cause you can't get pregnant from your bff." "At least not without the aid of a turkey baster." "Oh, Hank, this isn't working anymore." "What isn't working?" "don't say that." "This whole arrangement." "She needs to be living with me right now, okay?" "I know-- i know she hates me." "And i know she wants to live here with you." "But fuck it. we're the parents, right?" "We get to decide." "We?" "yes, we." "So what, you're saying we just pack up and leave l.a.?" "The three of us, move back to new york together?" "Well, soon, yeah." "End of the semester, whatever." "This place is toxic." "Okay?" "L.a. is no place to raise a daughter." "That's my line. i know." "You're stealing my shit." "All right. to our beautiful family..." "I--yes." "Our black president, and my magnificent dong." "What the fuck?" "I'm not even a part of this fucking family anymore?" "Jesus christ." "Karen!" "She gets to decide?" "how is that fair?" "I don't think we were shooting for fair, honey." "Karen!" "For the first time in my life, i'm actually happy," "And now you want me to pack up" "And move someplace i have no friends?" "New york doesn't mean shit to me." "It isn't the answer to anything!" "Telling her together" "I guess that didn't work out so well, did it?" "Oh, well, you know what?" "it kind of came up" "While the narcissist in the family was deep-conditioning." "I can't believe you didn't fight for me." "There's nothing to fight about, honey." "This was always the plan." "Honey, you're gonna be late to school, okay?" "We will talk about it later." "I love you." "So, well, the worst is over." "Oh, yeah?" "You think the french revolution was over" "When they stormed the bastille?" "No, no, no. they had a little thing called the terror." "It happened years later." "She will get used to the idea." "Who doesn't want to live in new york?" "Mm. anyway, professor..." "You need to get dressed. you're gonna be late." "Not that late. it's a very progressive school." "The students practically teach themselves." "Uh-uh, no, stop. why?" "Stop!" "why?" "Because." "Well, for a start, i don't know where you've been." "Well, i'm freshly showered, right?" "That should count for something." "Besides, i don't know where you've been either." "Oh, you do. oh, i do?" "Yeah. what is that, like a riddle?" "You getting all sphinx-like on me?" "I slept with Bill. ha ha-ha ha-ha." "I slept with Bill." "I ran into him at nyu when" "He says Hi by the way." "Um, are you okay?" "You look a little sick in your stomach." "Oh..." "Shit, you're totally not joking about this, are you?" "Oh..." "Hank." "Oh, come on, honey. it's not that big a deal." "I mean, i kind of felt like i owed him one." "I did, you know, ruin his life and all." "I mean, that night that i married him," "And then i jumped in the car with you." "God, it feels good to tell the truth." "Come on, professor." "Come out of there. get dressed." "I'm so excited to go to class with you!" ""eva lifts her head from her book" ""and regards the curious figure striding her way." ""the faint hint of a smile appears on her face." ""adam slows down, reaching her table." ""their eyes meet, and it looks like adam is going to do it." ""but what do you know, folks?" ""he averts his eyes and keeps right on walking," "Jamming his hands in his pockets."" "Okay, so what can we learn from this early execrable work" "From a major-- and i do mean major" "American author?" "And don't be shy." "Rip him a new asshole or three or four." "Go. dig in." "Sir?" "Sir?" "Yes." "I think "execrable" is a little harsh." "I mean, i didn't think it was so bad." "And i think those that are auditing this class" "Really shouldn't participate." "Others?" "Uh, i think you should let the woman speak." "Sorry, what did you say your name was again?" "She didn't. next." "Well..." ""their eyes meet"?" "That's a little hokey, don't you think?" "And, uh..." "Eva's whole introduction, really, is just..." "Stupid, you know?" "We know she's pretty." "We get it. and we're out of time." "Look at that. class has now ended." "Go in peace and love to serve the word." "Well..." "Um, here's the papers on last week's poetry" "Of jagger and richards." "Thank you." "Jill." "Thanks." "Well, then, i'll see you next week." "Thanks, jill." "You are unbelievable." "What?" "So, adam..." "Which one are you sleeping with?" "Excuse me?" "My bets are on the young, voluptuous student." "She's a definite..." "Eva prototype." "Please. there's only one eva." "Besides, it's against the rules to sleep with students." "Oh, of course. yes." "Though when i was in college..." "Oh, jesus. i slept with" ""slept with my professor." i know!" "I've heard quite enough" "About your sexual goings-on for one day." "I can't believe you kept this ridiculous story." "I mean, you wrote this when you were, like, 23?" "I save everything i write-- all parts of the buffalo." "Hmm." "Especially the stuff about you." "Yeah, one-act plays, haikus," "Grocery lists." "Hank. oh, Hank." "I'm sorry, i was just wondering" "If you were picking up..." "Felicia. the girls from school today." "K-Karen." "Karen. hey." "Felicia." "Karen. not--not the Karen?" "The mamacita of my bambina." "Si. - hey. i'm becca's mom." "It's nice to meet you." "I'm Chelsea's mum. oh, yeah." "Lovely to meet you finally." "Becca must be delighted to have you back." "Well, she's not back back. well, no." "It's just a quick visit." "You know, my work keeps me in new york, so..." "I know. it's so awful, isn't it?" "The whole working-mum thing." "I'm so lucky with my teaching schedule." "Actually, i'm not working this afternoon," "So i could pick them up if you'd like." "Oh, no, you know what?" "that's okay." "I kind of--i kind of like it. i miss it, actually." "Oh, yeah, well, who-- who doesn't love a carpool line?" "Well, then, problem solved, i guess." "So, lovely to meet you. yeah." "And you. yes. yeah, bye." "Oh, my god, can you believe that woman?" "Yeah, she's--she's real classy-like, right?" "What?" "No, and that ridiculous accent." "I mean, what the fuck?" "It's pleasant. she was like, you know," ""so lovely to meet you." "My--my schedule."" "But that--it's-- she taught to speak like that." "She's not making it-- i think you're jealous." "Are you being jealous?" "No." "If i didn't know any better, i'd say you were." "I mean, no, she is definitely not your type." "No." "There you are," "You v.d.-riddled sack of shit." "Ten days' worth of antibiotics i have to take," "Just in case, mind you." "I'm taking them too, you know," "And i'm getting tested tomorrow." "Yes, dear, but the delicate balance of yeast in your vagina" "Isn't as likely to be compromised" "By all this shit, now, is it?" "Just, you know, eat more yogurt." "Hey, i'll make you a smoothy." "Do i look like i want a fucking smoothy?" "Whose corvette is that blocking the driveway?" "Rick springfield." "And a smoothy can be very refreshing on a hot day." "Oh, now you got to be fucking with me." "What fucking with you?" "I said, whose car is that blocking the driveway?" "And i said rick springfield." "He's got a big audition tomorrow," "And we're running lines here." "Shut the fuck up." "Rick springfield is running lines with you" "In my house right now?" "Yes, he's a new client. i've told you this before." "Now, listen to me." "I'm gonna be late coming back from his audition," "So i got everything prepped for" "It's gonna be gumbo." "Everything's going in the pressure cooker." "All you have to do is remember to start the rice, please." "Rick fucking springfield is here in my house" "Right fucking now?" "Yes!" "He's upstairs having a nap, sort of." "Hey, runkle. or wait." "I spoke too soon. here's rick now." "Dude, don't you have anything raunchier" "Than back issues of gent magazine?" "Well..." "Hello." "Oh, my god." "You're really" "Rick springfield in my house right now." "Um..." "You're-- you're very tall and" "And dark and handsome and, uh..." "No. charlie doesn't have anything raunchier than that," "Because he likes to, you know," "Kick it old school with the pornography." "Know what i'm saying?" "church." "Hey, are these my beta-blockers?" "I get real nervous before-- oh, no, that's just a..." "Lip gloss. oh." "Back in the old days, sue used to blow me." "But these days, she likes them younger..." "And balder." "Hey...would you... okay. okay!" "Don't you need to be running along somewhere," "Little one, hmm?" "Appointments and such?" "no, i'm okay." "I just want to stay here and talk to rick springfield." "Not on my watch, okay?" "we got work to do." "Lots of it. no time for distractions." "But come on!" "one more word out of you," "And i'm gonna tell him what those pills are really for." "Shh!" "I'm fixed to ruin" "You're fixed on me" "When i was a kid, you spoke when you were spoken to," "Or else you were chased around a kitchen" "With a wooden spoon." "Sorry, we weren't put on this planet to entertain you." "Untrue-- entertainment for the poor." "That's what my mother always called children." "Clearly, she was wrong." "Hmm. well, maybe if you weren't poor..." "Excuse me?" "poor?" "are we?" "I didn't get that memo. are we poor?" "No offense, Karen, but becca showed me a picture" "Of the apartment where you live," "And i've been in dorm rooms that are bigger than that." "I mean, i think that it would be best for becca" "If she could stay in l.a." "And have at least some shot at a normal life." "She did say "no offense." okay." "Ooh!" "she returns!" "Yes!" "Yes, in!" "on the fucking line!" "I'm gonna take you down, mommy." "Oh, jesus." "Is there any sport for which your father" "Does not have the proper attire?" "I bet he swims in a speedo. does he?" "Oh!" "yes!" "Yes!" "yes!" "take that, you lazy motherfucker!" "Oh, hello." "Felicia. all right" "You just caught us getting some exercise." "Hello." "Honey, game's not over. that was just a point?" "What do you do when you win a whole match," "Sacrifice a calf?" "He doesn't... cheers." "Actually mean it, all that trash talking and such." "That's just his way. stacy, this is becca's mum." "Karen!" "hi." "Oh, so nice to meet you. heard so much about you." "Oh!" "delighted." "Thank you. you should stay for dinner." "Just you, not him." "Okay, give me that racket." "The dean has just requested" "A heaping helping of my backhand for dinner." "Yes, of course, you must stay. oh, well, you know," "That's really kind, but we have plans." "We're meeting some friends, so..." "Their friends, not mine." "Yes. but the point is we're going as a family." "Tout ensemble-- so that's the point." "And i'd rather stay here with this family." "Oh, isn't she sweet?" "You know you're always welcome here, becca." "Yes. always." "Your--your mom is visiting from new york." "Your mom-- have you met your mom?" "She's only gonna be here for a little while." "You want to spend time with her, no?" "No." "Once you drag me back to new york," "All i'm going to be doing is spending time with my mother." "I certainly won't have any friends." "All right, becca, apologize to your mother." "It's fine. it's really fine." "You know what?" "it seems like you have" "An open invitation here, so it's" "Of course!" "It's no problem if you want to stay for dinner." "And that way, you two can have a lovely time wit. look at you." "Yes. thank you, felicia." "Karen couldn't make it." "Not feeling well." "Mm-hmm." "Yes!" "Oh, god!" "Oh, look at you. look at you." "I miss you. is this for me?" "What, my muumuu?" "You look like america's next top smurf." "It's just the schmata i wear around the house. what?" "In with you!" "where's the runkle-ator?" "Well, he's stuck in... runkle!" "Traffic on his way over from thevalley." "That man is dead to me, by the way." "Do you see this?" "This hideous vd-type pustule on my face?" "Ooh!" "no, not really." "That is disgusting. yeah." "Shut up. you see it, right?" "Oh, yeah, it's deep in there. guess what?" "He gave it to me. thanks." "And he tried to rape me, by the way." "But how are you?" "I'm good. i-i--you know, becca, she's" "Hello. i know." "Hello. make way for the victors." "Victory. he got the part?" "You got the part?" "oh, my god!" "Congratulations..." "Is that rick springfield?" "i believe it is, yeah." "And who are you, pretty lady?" "Rick springfield and andy gibb on solid gold" "This means nothing to you?" "I remember." "Everybody loved rick springfield, right?" "She just didn't have the poster over her bed." "You--i'm guessing you practiced your she-boppinnt, the mystery" "You know what always used to start my motor?" "Mannix." "That tall armenian" "With a great head of hair--mmm." "Just thinking of him still gets my juices flowing." "Teen fantasies are great, okay?" "You know, i've had some of my own." "Oh, yeah, what, you?" "duran duran?" "Ha. boy george?" "Cheryl tiegs, thank you very much." "My point is, you have to remember" "Musicians, actors, models" "These are people with flaws and such." "I mean, there's no way they could possibly live up" "To the excitement, the mystery" "That our tortured teen psyches choose to project upon them." "That--that's my point. oh, my god." "I made a girl come seven times once." "Oh..." "Over the course of an entire relationship?" "All in a row?" "Sweet jesus." "Who's ready for dessert?" "i know i am." "Cheers to you, rick springfield." "Hold on a second." "What are you doing moping in the fridge?" "'80s pop legend rick springfield is in there steamine. church." "Not jessie's girl, your girl," "Runkle's girl. i'm well aware of this fact." "So get in there and make her jealous." "With what?" "you gonna loan me Karen?" "That's disgusting. what's wrong with you?" "What's wrong with you?" "fuck you." "Yello." "Shit, really?" "Um... all right, w-w-we'll" "Yeah. we'll be right over." "We got to go. what?" "Little problem with the offspring." "Don't panic, no, no, no." "They just-- it seems becca and Chelsea" "Staged a raid on the dean's wine cellar." "Oh, my god. i knew that Chelsea was trouble." "Oh-- honey, i" "Okay. call me later. very nice to meet you." "I hope she's okay. bye, rick springfield." "Bye, guys." "Mm. do you want to, um..." "Go up to my room and listen to some records?" "Only if they're mine. church." "So, runkle," "What are you serving for dessert?" "I know what i want." "Tube steak. yes, i know." "Listen, sue, this is, uh..." "A really difficult time for me right now," "And besides, i should probably let you know" "I think i have v.d." "Oh, no worries." "Oh, just slap a bag on it, and i'm good to go." "Welcome." "Glass of cab?" "Oh, fuck, i forget what fucking year this is." "Stacy!" "She's drunk. no." "Look, she can't even walk in a straight line." "Felicia, are you drunk?" "Just a tiny bit." "Seems such a shame" "To let all that perfectly good wine go to waste." "They opened about $3,000 worth." "Which is the one you were saving" "For our 20th anniversary?" "Not that we're ever gonna get there, at this point." "Oh, darling, i think you should slow down a little bit." "Karen, may i get you a glass?" "I've got an '82 petrus, an '86 chateau margaux," "And a '92 screaming eagle cab that'll blow your mind." "What can i get you?" "This is not some fucking social occasion!" "I have come here to collect my daughter!" "Okay, so where is she?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. becca!" "I understand your concern, but..." "Becca!" "is profanity really warranted?" "Where the fuck is she?" "it's a big house." "They keep the kids chained in the basement." "She's not as scary as she seems." "She has some anger-management issues." "Thank you. excellent." "A whole family of sociopaths." "Okay, in this case, maybe she's right." "We should just get becca and leave." "Yes!" "oh, whatever you like." "I-i don't see why we can't all just sit down as adults" "And talk this thing through." "What?" "your idea of shitty parenting?" "Uh-oh." "Oh, well, i don't think that's our place to comment," "Even though you're absolutely right." "Let's all just try to keep cool heads, shall we?" "The girls are just testing our boundaries." "It's all perfectly normal for their age range." "Normal for Chelsea, maybe." "Are you implying that this is all Chelsea's fault?" "Oh, no, i'm not implying anything." "I'm just saying it flat out. oh, you've got a lot of nerve." "Oh, shit, now you've angered the dean." "Becca!" "becca!" "Hank, find her." "Fuck it, stacy. she's right." "This is obviously Chelsea's fault." "Becca doesn't have the gumption" "To get in any kind of serious trouble." "She's a follower. excuse me?" "Oh, no, no, no. i meant it in a nice way." "You know, teenagers suck." "They're all bloody awful, Chelsea in particular." "I just hope she makes it to 17 without getting pregnant." "Honey!" "That's not fair." "You're all such fucking hypocrites." "We are the way we are" "Because you made us this way." "Okay, sweetie, come on. let's go home." "I don't want to go home." "Hank!" "I want you all to listen to me for once!" "Sweetie, we're here." "All right?" "we're listening." "We're all ears." "What is it you want to say?" "What is it-- oh, boy." "Oh!" "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" "Oh, i fucking love this part!" "Me too, me too, me too!" "ah ah ah ah ah!" "Hi. what took you so long, runkle?" "You know, they've been at it for a while over there." "Sounds good too." "I almost started without you." "I'm just finishing up some dishes." "I thought i'd let a few things soak." "Runkle, are you" "Were youcrying?" "Ah..." "Maybe, a little." "Yes." "Oh, please!" "Over that?" "That's kids' stuff." "Ignore it. destroy me, rick springfield!" "Listen to that, will you?" "I don't know how to compete with that!" "The only time i ever made marcy squeal like that" "Was when i put the ring on her finger!" "Harry winston?" "Tiffany." "Oh, runkle." "You are the saddest sack i have ever seen!" "To you, the glass is always half empty, huh?" "Never half full?" "Right now my wife is half full of rick springfield!" "That's exactly what i mean." "Men." "I mean, you are the biggest bunch of pussies" "There ever was." "Yes, yes, yes!" "You're leaving?" "yeah." "Well, i'm gonna let you off the hook this time." "But before i go..." "I'm gonna give you a little tip" "On how to get your hot little wifey back." "Sex is supposed to be about joy, runkle," "Pure joy." "And if you've forgotten what that sounds like..." "Ah!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "don't stop!" "Runkle, no!" "don't..." "Stop!" "Oh, god!" "You are good!" "Oh, oh, oh!" "Ah!" "that is perfect!" "Ah!" "Oh, that's--oh--oh" "That is perfect!" "Ahh!" "Collini...out." "Come on, take this." "Now, you may wake up in the middle of the night..." "Possibly craving an egg mcmuffin." "The important thing is not to" "But to remain in your seat" "With your seatbelt securely fastened." "Okay, sweetie?" "Good night, sweetie." "I promise, everything will be better tomorrow." "Except for your head. that'll feel much worse." "Stay." "What's up, sweetie?" "We don't have to do what she says, you know." "What who says?" "her." "The enemy." "Your mom is not the enemy." "She loves you. she wants what's best for you." "Mom doesn't understand. she never will." "This is it, okay?" "I'm not just gonna wake up one day and be like her" "Six feet tall and beautiful." "You already are beautiful." "Chelsea's the only friend i've ever had," "The only one who accepts me for who i really am." "That is not true. it is." "Do you know what it's like" "To have no one and nothing," "How totally awful that feels?" "Yes, i think i do. i" "Once upon a time, i felt like that." "Now i have you." "Yet, somehow..." "I still have nothing." "I need you" "Good night." "To need me" "I'd love you to love me" "I'm beggin' you" "To beg me" "Thanks." "So..." "I guess you're on her side," "Like you guys are this team right now." "We're a team, all right." "Just not a very good one," "Not without our captain." "You know, you're right." "L.a. is no place to raise a daughter" "Or a dad." "We need your guidance." "We need you, mommy dearest..." "Really..." "Even though sometimes we may take you for granted" "And throw embarrassing hissy fits and get drunk" "And generally act like we don't give a shit about anything." "So you're just both" "Adolescent girls at heart, right?" "Yes, we are, the both of us." "I like you like this." "What, all defeated and shit?" "Yes." "You're like-- you're like putty in my hands." "Oh, yeah?" "really." "Do with me what you will. mm." "I'll shine up the old red shoes" "Anything?" "yeah, anything at all." "I'll come home straight from work" "If you say" "That you love me" "Mm." "Hank?" "Wha..." "You know what i said about Bill this morning?" "Yes." "Got ya." "Didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'?" "You fucker." "Feeling all alone without a friend" "You know i feel like dying"