"Previously on The Big C..." "I cannot believe I am seeing you." "Rebecca." "It's not a good time to do laundry, sis." "What do you say you and I make a little fun of our own?" " I got a hand job." " The rugby slut?" "Do you prefer white women or black women?" " You slept with this cow?" " No." "I'm not good enough for your scrawny, virgin ass?" "Fuck you and your whole fucked-up family." "My punishment is driving myself home?" "He has seven stitches, but he's gonna be fine." "Where were you, honey?" "I tried to call you." "I couldn't hear the phone." " I saw you." " Paul." "I want a divorce." "♪ It's so hard ♪" "♪ to turn your life over ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ step out ♪" "♪ of your comfort zone ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ is this some kind of a joke?" "♪" "♪ will someone wake me up soon?" "♪" "♪ and tell me this was just a game we play ♪" "♪ called life ♪" "Hey, mom, I'm going to Brent's." "No!" "Adam." "Adam, you are supposed to be in bed." "You have a concussion." "Had a concussion, mom." "You are still... you're recovering from the accident." "I don't want you to end up like one of those football players that didn't listen to their doctor, and now it's ten years later, and they don't know how to make toast." "Mom, I'm just gonna play video games." "It's not like I'm gonna go outside and, like, bang my head against the curb." "Fine." "But you just promise me you will take it easy." "Yes." "I will wear a helmet in his living room." "You're joking, but I'd prefer that." "Here." "Wait, wait one second." "Okay." "Say cheese." "Cheese." "You're so weird." "You know, I specifically asked that yahoo at the store for this paint in flat." "This is definitely shiny." "It makes the walls look like they're covered in snot or something." "It is looking pretty snotty." "Paul wants a divorce." "Ah, hell." "Well, I can't blame him." "I mean, really, what was I thinking?" "He caught me having an affair." "Just because you have cancer doest give you the right to be a destructive bitch." "Wow." "If you ask me, you need to get your head out of your ass." "'Cause you've really messed shit up for yourself." "Sorry about slapping you." "Guess somebody needed to do it." "Hey!" "Are you really not returning my calls because I'm fucking your brother?" "Will you keep your voice down?" "This is my neighborhood." "Sorry." "Screwing your brother?" "Well, you're using the present tense, so I assume the romance continues." "Yeah." "We made the sweaty humpback beast just this morning." " I have a class to teach." " Hey!" "It was a joke." "Remember jokes?" "Anyway, I'm not here to talk about Sean." "I..." "I just..." "I'm in town, and I would like to see you and catch up and be friends." "How is that a problem?" "It's a problem because you make it a problem." "Because our friendship has always come second to your dalliances with men, and now the dalliance is my brother." "And I don't want to be at some ladies lunch and have you tell me about Sean's penis and if it's smaller or larger or otherwise than what you're accustomed to." "Now I have to go to work." "You know, this isn't all me." "From the minute you met Paul, he's all you talked about." "And the next thing I knew, you were living the suburban housewife dream, and making me feel ridiculous for my partying and my serial dating, but what the hell else was I supposed to do?" "Nobody fell in love with me." "Well..." "I guess we're both screw-ups." "Maybe we should break up." "Huh." "We already did." "Are we back to where we started?" "What is going on with you?" "You're showing up late to class." "You're skipping weigh-ins." "Get inside." "Class started ten minutes ago." "I'm not going to class." "In fact, I'm dropping your class." "I just came to get my shit." "What?" "Yeah, I don't like the way you teach." "You can't drop out." "If you don't finish this class, you don't get to graduate next year." "Oh, well." ""Oh, well"?" "I have bent over backwards for you." "It's all about you, isn't it?" "It must be so nice to be you." "Pretty white girl living in suburbia whose biggest concern is "finding an eye shadow that doesn't totally wash her out."" "Take a walk in my shoes for a fucking day... growing up in the 'hood, having to hit a drive-thru for breakfast because mommy spent the last of the grocery money on her morning fix." "But that's okay." "I can always rely on dad." "Wait." "I can't." "'Cause when I was a baby, he was shot to death trying to rob a liquor store." "So excuse the fuck out of me if I'm not the model student you want me to be." "I didn't know." "We all have our secrets, don't we?" "What does that mean?" "I know you're fucking that painter man." "Yeah." "I know a lot of things." "That you're a self-righteous slut." "That your son's a judgmental asshole." "And that I'm through with your sorry-ass class and this whole sorry-ass fucking school." "Andrea." "Shit." "How 'bout another little splash there, chief?" "Hey." "Buy a lady a drink?" "Show me a lady, and I might." "Oh-ho." "Fuck you, Pauly." "One for the lady." "I haven't seen you around the rugby field in a while." "I hope I didn't scare you away." "Nah." "Just a little ligament damage, you know." "Very common injury in elite athletes." "On top of that, the rest of my life... complete fucking clusterfuck." "Ugh." "Join the club." "Last week, my cat was diagnosed with feline leukemia." "And then yesterday I drop my iPhone into the toilet while I was video-chatting with a client." "And I hope that video fried out before he got a potty shot of my pooter." "Are you okay?" "Cathy and I are getting a divorce." "Mm." "Sorry." "I know you guys were having problems." "Should have seen it coming." "You know, I knew something was up for a while, but I couldn't figure out what it was." "And then, a couple days ago, get this." "I catch her in our own backyard fucking some guy." "Holy shit." "I'm so sorry, Pauly." "Thank you, Tina." "I mean it." "It actually feels really good to talk about." "You know, to tell someone and have them listen, you know?" "Yeah, I do." "Anyway, screw Cathy." "It's her loss." "I say we drink until we get her off your mind." "Get who off my mind?" "To a newly single Pauly." "Hell, yeah." "Tell me more about how bad you are." "I'm not in the mood." "Cathy has zapped my libido." "Oh, that bitch!" "What does that mean?" "She hates the fact that I'm seeing you, and I get it." "I haven't seen her for 20 years, and I show up, and I start doing whatever we're doing, and I've done this kind of thing before." "With who?" "I'm her only brother." "If we could just make this less just about the sex, I'd feel better." "We could nurture our friendship, and then maybe I could repair my friendship with her." "All right, fine." "Talking about my sister has made me lose my semi anyway." "So, um," "I think iPhones are the new diamonds." "Guys give women electronics now for romantic occasions, and it's kind of a shame." "Gift-giving in general is kind of a shame." "Can we at least talk about this with our pants off?" "I'm sorry." "I'm looking for the Jackson residence." "Well, this is it." "Can I help you?" "I'm Andrea's teacher, Cathy Jamison." "Oh, it's so nice to meet you." "I'm Dorothy, Andrea's mother." "Andrea's told us so much about you." "She's told me a lot about you too." "Well, she absolutely adores you." "Says you're her favorite teacher." "Well, here, me on in." "Thank you." "Donovan!" "We have company." "I'm in the kitchen, hon." "Mmm, smells good in there." "What is it?" "Making steak." "Donovan, honey, this is Cathy, the teacher Andrea's always telling us about." "This is Andrea's dad." "So you're her stepdad?" "No." "The real deal." "Andrea's our last of six." "I-I must have been thinking about another student." "You know, Andrea sure does go on about you." "Well, she exaggerates." "Well, she sure wasn't real happy to be taking summer school." "Called it retard school." "Oh, she can be crass, that one." "But she stuck with it and really turned things around." "We've had our trouble with her." "She's our academic challenge." "Mm-hmm." "We tried everything." "But you can't love 'em smart." "So is Andrea here?" "Oh, you just missed her." "She's down the street at the church." "At choir practice." "Baby girl sings like a bird." "Um, when I was 18," "I was on an international flight, and I gave a blow job to a complete stranger." " Are you shitting me?" " No." "Okay, okay, okay." "Your turn." "A sexy or embarrassing story." "Go." "I don't think this paints me in a very flattering light." "But when Cathy and I were going on our honeymoon," "I wanted to go to the south of France 'cause I was hoping there might be some topless beaches there." "What?" "You're newly married and you want to look at other girls' tits?" "I'm a tit man." "Sue me." "Ah, this is fun." "You're easy to talk to." "I-I like your stories." "Yeah." "Well, I actually only have about 15 of them." "You got me for another half hour, and then I get boring." "♪ I'm gonna lay down my burdens ♪" "♪ down by the riverside ♪" "♪ down by the riverside ♪" "♪ down by the riverside ♪" "♪ I'm gonna lay down my burdens ♪" "♪ down by the riverside ♪" "♪ study war no more ♪" "♪ I ain't gonna study ♪" "♪ war no more ♪" "♪ ain't gonna study war no more ♪" "♪ study war no more ♪" "I like your hat." "♪ I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield ♪" "♪ down by the riverside ♪" "You know, I've always wondered why black women wear these beautiful hats to church." "I mean, whenever my dad walked into church, he always took his hat off." "When he walked into any building really." "Not that he was any shining example of anything." "I wear a hat because women... and not just black women..." "should cover their heads while they're in the house of the lord." "Same reason you Jews wear yarmulkes." "I'm not Jewish." "Not that there's anything wrong with being Jewish." "It's a beautiful religion." "It's just..." "Jesus is my guy." "Sort of." "I mean, I haven't been to church in a really long time." "♪ Study war no... ♪" "I don't think Jesus would appreciate your manners." "♪ More ♪" " Good." " Amen." "That was really beautiful, Andrea." "What are you doing here?" "Your mom told me you were here." "My mom?" "You went to my house?" "Well, you know, I had to swing by the 'hood, make sure your drug-addled mom wasn't dying with a needle stuck between her toes, because if that happened, you'd be an orphan." "What with your dad being a dead felon and all." "Why would you lie to me about that?" "Who the fuck are you to call me a liar?" "Maybe I lied because I don't like you." "I don't need your advice." "I don't need your help." "I do just fine." "Thank you." "Besides, it's obvious you only came to find me because you're afraid" "I'll tell everyone about your affair." "I am here because I care about you." "I don't want you quitting school because of a mistake that I made." "And just so you know, my husband already knows about the affair." " Does Adam know?" " No." "And I wish you wouldn't tell him, but I can't stop you if you do." "You are so not good enough for him." "Good enough for who?" "Lenny." "Oh, is that what this is about?" "A crush?" "You have a crush on Lenny?" "What?" "You think a guy that fine wouldn't go for a girl like me?" "I don't think he'd go for you because he's 25 years older than you are." "Do not quit school, Andrea." "Life is hard enough with an education." "Don't make it harder on yourself." "Get out of my church, and leave me the hell alone." "It's not weird we're doing this in my sister's waterbed, right?" "I mean, we could be doing it in her guest room, but that's where she keeps her creepy doll collection." "Besides, there's a nice potpourri scent in here." "It's pleasant." "It's like country cottage rose or some lavender..." "Jesus." "I hope your sister doesn't mind that I used her razor." "Uh-uh." "Old nuns and baseball." "Old nuns and baseball." "Old nuns and baseball." "Old nuns and baseball." "Oh, shit." "What?" "Oh, shit." "I don't have a condom." "Maybe go see in the kitchen if there's some saran wrap." "Something like that." "Pauly, shush." "It's a big one." "It's too big." "And now some more fun facts about our former presidents." "Let's see." "William Howard Taft was so fat that he got stuck in his own bathtub." "Conversely, James Madison weighed only 100 pounds." "Which is ironic, considering that his wife," "Dolley Madison, was feeding him zingers and donut gems." "Sean." "Oh." "Hey, sis." "I'm just educating." "Would you care to audit the class?" "Get out here." "Now." "Read." "Something." "What the hell are you doing?" "You're fucking with my life." "I thought I'd add a little wrinkle to yours." "What are you talking about?" "Rebecca is abstaining from sex." "She's on some sort of sacrificial mission to regain your friendship." "Sort of a cock hunger strike." " What?" " Yeah." "I don't fucking get it either." "I mean, if I had to choose between spending time with your personality or my penis, little Sean's a hands-down winner." "Tell her she's wasting her time." "And you shouldn't worry." "The longest she's gone without having sex is two weeks, and that's because she tore her labia while horseback riding in Maui." "I've got to get in there and undo whatever you've done." "Apse." "What the hell does that mean?" "Apse." "You know, like the front of a church." "You could have just spelled apes." "I paid for a four-year degree, Marlene." "I want to use it." "You go to church?" "Every Sunday." "Do you go because you want to or out of obligation?" "If you're asking if I believe in God, then, yes, I do." "Pray every day too." "What do you pray for?" "Usual stuff I guess." "For my family, for Eddie to be in heaven, for me to join him one day, and that, when I do, for it not to hurt." "I used to go to church." "My parents, they used to take Sean and me all the time." "And then one summer, this freak tornado took out a bunch of houses in the town next to us and killed the pastor and his kids." "And we stopped going." "But..." "Now that I'm a dying person," "I'm wondering if I should reopen my spiritual options." "If there is a God, do you think he could bring me some sense of peace?" "He's not a miracle worker." "I think God gives us problems so we can learn to deal with them, not so he can fix 'em." "What's up, mom?" "Hey, Marlene." "Hey, hotshot." "I think I'll call it a night." "Say a prayer for me, Marlene." "Every day." "I ran into Andrea, and she said you're an asshole." "Any idea why she'd say that?" " Probably on the rag." " Adam." "We had a fight." "No big deal." "Take it from someone who's pretty good at making mistakes." "If things are bad with Andrea because of something you did, you should apologize." "Life's too short." "♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ Whoa ♪" "♪ Ohh ♪ ♪ Ohh ♪" "♪ you caught me ♪ ♪ Dancing with the spirit ♪" "♪ well, I got to keep ♪" "♪ got to keep ♪ ♪ dancing ♪" "Amen." "I watched my kids play yahtzee yesterday, and one of the dice went off the table." "And they debated what to do about the offending dice, and finally agreed on a do-over." "Now I ask you, wouldn't it be nice as adults to have a do-over every now and then?" "Who wants to be free of lies and hypocrisy and be reborn and begin again today?" "Who wants a do-over?" " Yeah." " Have mercy." "Speak up, and let the congregation pray for your sins." "Pray for me, that I may be patient and accept my son for who he is." "Amen." "Pray for me." "I called bingo last week even though I didn't have it, 'cause I knew nobody was coming to check the cards." "Pray for me." "Pray for me." "I've lied a lot." "I just..." "I keep on lying, and I'm sitting on a huge pile of lies right now." "And I've cheated on my husband." "I've had an affair." "And it's hurt people I didn't expect it to hurt." "I did not want to hurt you." "I like you." "I am really sorry." "You are important to me." "You are not just another student." "You... you make my life better, and my life is very complicated right now." "There's... there's some stuff that I can control, and then there's..." "there's this other stuff that's... it's killing me, so..." "Pray for me." "Oh, help me, God, if there is a God." "And I hope that there is, because I have to believe that there's gonna be someone on the other side who's gonna leave the light on for me when I get there, that someone's gonna be there to welcome me." "Yes." "Pray for me, because I have managed to turn my once-average life into a complete fucking mess." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to say fucking... oh, God." "And now I've said it twice." "I'll see you tomorrow at school." "You know what I've been thinking about?" "Pants." "Pants?" "Remember how we used to share clothes when we were roommates?" "You mean, how you used to wear my clothes and lie about it?" "Exactly." "And there was a pair of black slacks that had a tiny red stripe up the side" " that I just loved." " Mm-hmm." "You called them your date pants." "Even though they were mine." "And one day you put them on, and they didn't fit you right, and you accused me of doing something to them so that they wouldn't fit you anymore." "Yeah." " I did." " Mm-hmm." "I had them tailored to fit me." "I knew it." "I knew it." "I knew it, I knew it!" "I'm a terrible friend." "You aren't a terrible friend." "I missed your fucking wedding." "I screwed up a bunch too." "I'm not completely blameless here." "I've done a lot of crappy things in my life." "I'm trying to be better." "It tames two people to screw up a friendship." "I promise you, from now on... do not promise." "Just be you." "I've missed you, you know." "I've missed you too." "And I miss those pants." "My ass looked fantastic in them." " Hey." " Hey." "Look, um, I just wanted to say that I didn't mean what I said at the party last week." "I mean, I think you're cool, and I just kind of want things to go back to the way they were." "So we're good?" "Why don't you prove it?" "How?" " Lick my locker." " What?" "No." "That is gross." "You ain't that sorry then." "Ahh." "That's fucking disgusting." "You nasty little bitch." "Oh, fuck off." "It's a jar of olives." "The store didn't have any olive branches, so this was as close as I could get." "I want to talk to you." "Actually, I've wanted to tell you something for a long time, but I guess I wasn't ready." "So I want to come clean with you." "Sort of a do-over." "So if you find my thong, you can just bring it to the next rugby game." "Tina." "Cathy." "Hi." "Can I have a minute with Paul?" "Yup." "Sure." "I'm gonna go." "I'll see you, Pauly." "What?" "No yelling?" "No lecture?" "No judgmental condemnation of my abhorrent behavior?" "I fucked her, Cathy." "Multiple times in fact." "I mean, why shouldn't I?" "You fucked somebody, so I fucked somebody too." "And what do you have to say about that?" "I have cancer."