"Here it is, first day of college." "What do you say, Veronica?" "New school, fresh start." "How about you try not to piss anyone off this time around?" "Welcome to college." "Where it's okay to skip class." "Just not mine." "Skip class?" "I'm gonna staple myself to the floor." "Before we dive in I've been asked to plug the department's mentoring program." "We work with at-risk kids here in Neptune." "Our philosophy is that it's better to prevent crimes through intervention than solve them later." "My teaching assistant, Timothy Foyle will take the names of those who would like to volunteer." "Here's your reading list for the semester." "All should be available used at the co-op." "What about your book, Dr. Landry?" "Profiling is an upper-level course." "Gotta walk before we run." "All right, what do you say we start off this semester with a little bit of ridiculous fun?" " Cool." "Murder on the Riverboat Queen." "If Tim hands you an envelope, that makes you a passenger and a witness on the Riverboat Queen." "Go ahead, open your envelope." "It'll give you all the details you need to play this role." "Who you are, what you saw." "If you're the murderer, you're given your cover story." "If you're not given a card that makes you a Pinkerton, brought onboard to solve the case." "You can question any of the passengers." "The current record for solving the case is 16 minutes courtesy of the amazing Mr. Foyle." "All right, detectives, you may begin questioning your passengers now." "Which means the hour of 11, and 11:30 that night." "Yes?" "Dr. Landry expects everyone to participate." "Is it possible you ended up at the wrong class?" "Your academic adviser can get you into something else." "Elementary education, maybe?" "It's okay to read magazines there." "They cut them up make little collages." "I know who did it." " Dr. Landry?" " What you got?" "This girl says she's got it, but she hasn't moved from her seat." "And you are?" " Veronica Mars." " So, Veronica Mars who are you going to send to prison for the rest of his natural-born days?" "The blind, yet not really blind, fiddle player, Rutherford Stiles." "Congratulations, Veronica." "All right, everybody, you can stop." "We have a winner and a new record holder, six minutes." "So how'd you figure it out?" "Murder on the Riverboat Queen was a murder mystery in a box game made by Wigwam Toys in the late '80s." "Fans of the game set up message boards online that gave away details." "I just ignored all the spoiler alerts, which is kind of douche bag-y..." "The game is set in the 1890s." "You can't use the Internet." " Was that a rule?" " It wasn't a rule." "And there are two possible killers in the box." "You just took a fifty-fifty stab, didn't you?" "Sorry, no." "The other killer is Countess McGee." "Dr. Landry just asked me who I was gonna send away for the rest of his natural-born days." "That kind of sold me on blind Rutherford." "There is one thing I can't figure out though." "What did you do for the extra 10 minutes?" "You a bounty hunter, boy?" "I really shouldn't have pushed for the Clint Eastwood marathon." "Now I've ruined you." "I didn't think it was possible to make you more butch." "Stupid, stupid, Logan." "Well, you wanna feel like a man?" "Walk me to class?" " Carry your books?" " Why not?" " Guess who I saw on campus today." " Some girl going wild?" "As I understand it, it happens all the time in college." "I'm on the verge of it right now." "No, Dick, my BFF." "I thought he was with his dad in the Caymans." " He's back." " You guys talk?" "Yeah, but it was brief." "Shouted his name, flipped me off." "The bonds of friendship." "It was a struggle getting you into Hearst." "How do you think he managed it?" "Well, his mom remarried Schwarzenegger's business manager." "Yeah." "I'm sure a call from the governor can get you in most colleges in the state." "Hey, people are saying Dick's a mess." "You know, on account of his brother Greg Louganising off my roof." "It wasn't your fault Cassidy jumped." "Nothing's ever my fault." "Vinnie, what brings you to the good part of the wrong side of the tracks?" "Dollar signs, mi amigo." "The almighty buck." "I got a case that requires a little double detective duty." "Lucky Pierre owns a jewelry store and suspects that he's got an embezzler." "What do you say?" "Wonder Twin powers activate." "Can't, Vinnie." "Got my own case, and it's taking me out of town." "A hit?" "I understand there's good money in that." "How does one break in?" "Is there a union of some kind?" "Put in a good word for me, would you?" "You know, I've thought about getting myself a briefcase." "Not that I really need it." "You know, everything I need, I keep right up here." "Vinnie, I'm busy." "Okay, okay." "If you wanna be that guy." "Dad?" "Come here." " You beckoned?" " Yeah." "You'll never believe it." "A maid from our hotel found the flash card with all our vacation pictures on it." " Look." " Hot dog." "Hot dog?" "It's an expression of excitement and enthusiasm." "Joe and Frank and I used to say hot dog all the time while waiting for the carhop to bring our malteds at the drive-in." " Drive-in?" " I hate you." " You love me." " Yeah, but it's all instinct." "You'll notice the first couple dozen photos feature your daughter doing the one-handed self-portrait as her negligent father showed up three days late." "But look, you finally make it." "Here we are in front of Spamalot." "Here we are in front of the Empire State Building." "That's the Chrysler Building." " No, it isn't." " There are a few things in life to which you'll have to defer to my age and experience." "And that, sweet child of mine, is the Chrysler Building." "Senility, that comes with age too, right?" "I can't remember." "Oh, by the way, how was your first day?" "How does it feel being a college student?" "Oh, it's exhausting." "I had one whole class today." " Did you make any friends?" " Lord, no." "Enemies?" " Yeah, well, it is a day that ends in a y." " Hey." "You mess with the bull." "Okay?" "Oh, look, here you are stuffing cupcakes in your face at Magnolia Bakery." "Say, you remember I'm gonna be gone a few days that bail jumper I've been tracking?" " I'll hold down the fort." " Yeah." "Yeah, I'm afraid I put Backup in charge while I'm away." "And he's been instructed to maul your boyfriend if he's here past midnight." "Backup's in charge?" "What about the bitch he's been seeing?" " Hey." " Hey." " You must be my roommate." "Stosh?" " Call me Piz." "But you're Wallace?" "There must be some mistake." "On my request form I specifically said I didn't want a roommate who was, you know..." " What?" " Better looking than me." "I made it very clear." "Sorry, man." "Fairest of them all right here." " I took this side." "I hope that's cool." " Yeah, no sweat." "I rarely wear clothes indoors." "I hope that's cool." "That's not cool at all." "You got more stuff?" "Just a car full of boxes containing all my worldly possessions." " Want some help?" " Yes." "Over here." "Yeah, this fine example of American automotive engineering is mine." "Oh, my God." " Where's all your stuff?" " It's all gone." "Everything I own." "It was here five minutes ago." "Now it's gone." "I know someone." "She'll get your stuff back." "Count on it." "This girl, she's our age, and she's a "detective"?" "Is she also a cartoon?" "She doesn't carry a magnifying glass or anything." "Her dad's a PI, used to be sheriff." "She's picked up a few things." "I appreciate the thought, but I think I'll just let the local police handle it." "Yeah, good luck with that." "Hi, I'm Veronica." "Are you Piz?" "Yes, I'm Piz." " Wallace, are you in there somewhere?" " Yeah, come in." "And you call yourself college men." "Where are the posters with beer and half-naked ladies?" "Behind the case of porn and my shot-glass collection." "So looks like Piz is just gonna let the sheriff handle things." "Actually, I'd love your help." "As to my fee, 500 payable in cash, cashier's check or a pre-agreed-upon exchange of goods or services." " I could give you guitar lessons." " Pass." "On the bright side, if I don't get your stuff back, you owe me nothing." " That's the friend-of-a-friend rate." " Wait." "I haven't even decided if he's cool yet." "Well, act now." "Time is running out on this special offer." "So I pulled into the parking lot, and there was this heavyset girl with a clipboard." "She had a Hearst sweatshirt and cap on." "Anyway, she checked my name, told me which dorm was mine said she'd keep an eye on my stuff while I found my room." " This girl, she looked like a student?" " Yeah, I guess." "She said she was part of the Hearst Welcome Wagon Committee." "Wallace said that you lost your clothes, your computer, a guitar..." "No, not just a guitar, okay?" "It was a 1967 Gretsch Astro-Jet Red Top." "The Holy Grail of guitars." "I spent two summers mowing lawns just to earn enough to buy it." "This is it." "They stole your stuff and covered your car in dirt?" "You're not welcome here." "Doesn't look like they jimmied their way in." "It wasn't locked." "College campus." "All your worldly possessions." "Where are you from?" "Brigadoon?" "Portland." "Or, well, just outside of Portland." "A suburb called Beaverton." "Salt of the earth people." "Minivan in driveways, chicken in pots." "Where they never ask rhetorical questions?" "The Welcome Wagon girl said she'd watch my car." "This is how you know you've gone to college." "The graffiti goes highbrow." ""Wash me" was so 2005." "Come on, Beaverton." "Let's go talk to your R.A." "All your stuff?" "Frak, that blows." "Qu'est-ce que c'est frak?" "No Battlestar Galactica fans in the mix I see." "Frak is the profanity of the future." "I'm trying not to swear." "That's very enlightened of you, Moe." "So, what the frak is with this Hearst Welcome Wagon Committee?" "Well, first off, there's no such thing, so there's that." "It doesn't exist." "Oolong, anyone?" "Gonna miss me, Howard?" "Not for long." "We'll keep the lights on." "You my ride?" "Get in." "We need to move." " Yeah." " Absolutely." "I'm here to ask one question." "To the students of this university, to the faculty of this university and to the dean of this university." "How many women like me have to be raped, have to end up like this their heads shaved, before this administration listens to our demands?" " Yeah." " Two wasn't enough." "Three wasn't enough." "They say they're taking steps." "Awesome." "The dorm wings are same-sex." " Is that enough?" " No." "We demand more." "Mandatory sensitivity training." "An official university sexual-conduct code." "More security personnel." "More outdoor lighting." "Crisis boxes." "And most of all, Dean O'Dell, shut down the fraternity houses." "Down." "Women." "Bitch, bitch, bitch." "Why can't they just look pretty and get their Mrs. degrees?" "How's tricks, kid?" "My shrink asked if a lifetime without a libido was a bad thing." "I think she's given up on me." "You just need more time." "Irony of all ironies?" "Frozen-From-the-Waist-Down's new roommate?" "She's a one-woman red-light district." "Really?" "Every night she's been with some new dude." "The phone rings every 10 minutes." "If college is a boy buffet, she's got two full plates and a purse full of boys wrapped in napkins." "Yet the void won't fill." "It's like we never left Neptune High." "You won't be needing this." "Oh, God." "It's exactly like we never left Neptune High." "What you did for my Kendall..." "You saved her life." "That's a tough lady to make disappear." "Tends to stand out." "All I did was get her out of town." "It was more than that." "New passport, house, ATM card." "All with my little brother hot on her heels." "We're not safe yet." "Liam's still looking for her." "He'll be looking for you too, Cormac." "He doesn't know I'm out yet." "All that good behavior." "Well, that's what we got going for us." "As I understand it your brother believes he's entitled to a cut of Kendall's good fortune." "Kendall agreed." "The quarrel was over the size of that cut." "My little brother got greedy." "That's always been a problem for that kid." "That's why I'm gonna spend the rest of my days lying on some beach with the woman I love and Liam will end up shivved in some state penitentiary." "You should seriously consider going pro in that." "What, and miss the college experience?" "Don't go anywhere." "You're gonna get your brains spooned out whether you like it or not." "But first, must have water." "Okay, Veronica." "Aren't you the girl who laughed at those idiots  who tried to take their high school romances with them to college?" " Logan, no." " Yep." "It's your dad." " I forwarded our calls." " We need to work on communication." "Hi, Dad." "Nope, he's heading home right now, as a matter of fact." "All right, honey." "Give Logan my regards as you're shaking his hand good night and I'll be sure to call unexpectedly again." "Love you too." "They do grow up quickly." "When you got Kendall out of town, she was carrying, what?" "Millions, right?" "I saw it, didn't count it." "Kendall's always been a good judge of character." "She knows who she can trust and who she can't." "A lesser man might have taken advantage." " I was well compensated." " What'd you spend your fee on?" "I bought back my daughter's love." "It's a cool ride." "Graduation gift?" "My dad stood me up for my graduation trip." "Lucky for me, he felt really bad about it." " He stood you up?" "That's harsh." " He had his reasons." "A Saturn for a Mars." "In Neptune." "Yeah, the planets really aligned for this one." "Now, move Uranus." "The Mercury is rising." "Don't feel too bad." "Same outfit got four other victims." "At least that's how many we've heard about." "All of them in a span of 90 minutes." "Yeah, I guess that's comforting, somehow." "They must've had a truck or a van." "You mind giving me a list of the other victims?" "I don't know, Veronica." "I track down the bad guys, call you, you make the bust." "You know what that makes everyone, Sacks?" "A winner." "The woman said she was part of the Hearst Welcome Wagon?" " Yep." " Blond?" "Chubby?" "Sounds like the one." "I'd been keeping a journal kind of like a podcast spoken-word thing on my iPod and now some stranger, some thief has it." "What if they're listening to it?" "All the others who got ripped off were freshmen." "You're a junior?" "Yeah." "What, are you saying I'm dumb?" "No." "It's just you didn't know there was no such thing as the Hearst Welcome Wagon?" "I just remembered something." "I don't know who you are or why I'm talking to you." " Hey." " Mac around?" "Oh, my God, are you one of Mac's friends?" "Well, come on in, sister." "Mac's friends are my friends." " I'm Parker." " Veronica." "So I just love Mac." "Like love her." "Like I wish she was a little bichon frisé I could carry in my purse." " I mean, how great is she?" " She's pretty great." "I was a little weirdly disappointed because I had this idea that I'd get like, this gangster street chick or some death-metal girl and we'd be, like, all Odd Couple." "But with me and Mac it was just... instant sisterhood." "Total mesh, total blend." "You know, you should come watch Top Model with us tonight." "Mac's watching Top Model with you, huh?" "Yours or Mac's?" "Colin?" "Oh, he's all mine." "He should really love me, don't you think?" "Depends." "Have you had your shots?" "Look at his eyes." "He's just so soulful and, like, troubled and deep." "You just know he'd kick ass in the back seat." " Hey, roomie." " Hey." " Wanna go see a band play?" " More than anything in the world." "Oh, my God, I'm so totally in." "Just give me a sec to change." "Hey, I know that guy." "Our muscle." "Short notice." " Your boyfriends?" " No." "What's up, V?" "Hey, Mac." "Wallace and Piz, this is Parker." "Parker, Wallace and Piz." " Hi." " Nice to meet you." " Mac, Piz." " Nice to meet you." "So, gang, are we ready to rock?" " No." " Not particularly." "That's the spirit." "She seems nice." "We're the Unwashed." "That's it for now." "Good day." "Billy's got CDs by the door." "That's my cue." "What is she doing?" "All right, give it up for the Unwashed." "I've got a little public-service announcement." "My friend had everything stolen out of his car over at Hearst in the parking lot of Bennis Hall." "All right." "All right." "We think someone here might've seen something." "My friend is offering $ 100 reward for information that'll get his stuff back." "We're back at that table if you know something." "Okay." "Look at her." "She's like boy-nip." "We saw you get ripped off." "You're 12." "What were you doing up at Hearst?" "Checking out the college girls laying out." "Some of them go topless." "Hold up right there." "Tell us where this sunbathing goes on." " The South Quad." "Where that statue is." " What are you saying you saw?" "Is it the Randolph Hearst statue or the amorphous blobby thing?" "Breasts or the Holy Grail guitar?" "We'd just come back from the parking lot, saw these dudes in a moving van pull up they started throwing stuff from the car into the van." "Anything you remember about the two dudes or the van?" " They were black." " Of course they were." "And the van didn't have any windows." "It was white, I think." " Is that all?" " That's a lot." "Where's our reward?" "You didn't see squat." "Motor, munchkins." "I told you, man." "Bogus." "There was a chick there." "A white chick." " Of course there was." " She hopped up in with them." "A blond?" "Chubby?" "That was the weird part." "I thought she was a heifer at first when she hopped in, she pulled off her sweatshirt, she had a slamming bod." "Girl was packed tight." "Like she was wearing a fat suit." "Come on, Parker." "Why you wanna be like that, girl?" "It's the right time of the night." "It's the right time of the night for making love." "Parker's out somewhere with the Unwashed." "I'll tell her that the Needs-Hosed-Down dropped by." "My little brother never cared about you, you know." "You were just his beard." "Hey, you." "What's your name?" "You're not supposed to be here." "Isn't this the boys' floor?" "Oh, gosh, I am so lost." "I'm just a dumb freshman who wandered onto the wrong floor." "Campus is so confusing." "Thanks for your understanding." "I'm just gonna show myself out." "Let me see your school ID." "We're supposed to have IDs?" "See, I don't know anything." "College has got me plumb flustered." " Whatever." " Good night, ladies." "Hey." "These are for you." "Clothes." "A friend of mine's." "He can't use them anymore." " You look about the same size." " Thanks." "Oh, and I think I found your guitar." "It popped up on craigslist late last night." "And the seller's just off campus." " You here about the guitar?" " That's us." "I wasn't really looking for a guitar but I went to the flea market yesterday and I found this." "Girl was selling it for $500." "She had no idea what she had." "You won't find one of these for under five grand." "But I'd be willing to let it go for four." "That's it." "That's my stolen guitar." " What?" " Go ahead." "Look in the pick tray." "There'll be 2 mm picks from Guitar Town in Portland." "Okay." "Yeah, so?" "This girl who sold you the guitar, can you describe her?" "Blond, thin, pretty smoking bod." "Donald Fagin, the current possessor of Piz's guitar  offered to sell it back to Piz for the $500 he paid for it." "A better plan, I think, is to make the thief pay for it." "Smile." "Thanks." "Hey, wait a minute." " Bye, you guys." " Bye." " You guys are pathetic." " It's a white man's sport." "Right, because I was talking about the hacky sack." "Piz, is this the Welcome Wagon girl?" "Hard to say." "Maybe." "Add a few extra pounds." "Yeah, I'm trying to." "I don't think it's her." "It's not often you get to see bikini babes in their natural habitat." "Such gentle yet elusive creatures." "Okay." "You two have fun being gross." "I'll just continue trying to find your stuff on my own." "With no help." "That's why you make the big money." "No signal." " And not one car for 10 minutes." " Well highway turns back in a few miles." "It looks like if we just walk due east we'd see the town of Granger in three or four miles." "I don't think we wanna do that." "You spend much time in the desert, Keith?" "No, can't say that I have." "First time I got busted, judge gave me the option two years in the Army or two years in Huntsville." "I chose the Army." "We did our training in West Texas before they sent me to Iraq for Desert Storm." "Between here and Granger you got rattlesnakes, coyote traps, scorpions hippies doing mushrooms." "All kinds of bad stuff." "You know, let's just wait it out." "You know, someone will help us." "I've bided my time for five years." "What's a few more hours?" " Is it her?" " I'm 90 percent sure that's her." "Look, you know what?" "Make it 80." "Eighty percent sure." "Hey, are you in Landry's profiling class?" " Last year." "The man's tough." " I have him for Intro to Criminology." "Did you do the mentoring thing?" "Because I'm thinking about it." "Best thing I did, working with those kids." "You can read about street crime in a textbook mentoring takes everything out of the theoretical." "Really grounds it." "You should sign up." "Oh, my God." "You can settle a debate for me." "Is this on the Empire State Building or the Chrysler Building?" "That's actually the Space Needle in Seattle." "I have to remember not to debate my dad when it comes to architecture." " Can I have a glass of water?" " Sure." "By the time you finish your reading this weekend you should be able to discuss crime and social control in relation to biological and psychological positivism." "See you Tuesday." "Excuse me." "I was interested in the mentoring program." "You're the guy to talk to, right?" "You can take your pick." "All of them have juvenile records." "Most of the girls, it's shoplifting fighting, chronic truancy." "Just because I'm a girl, I have to mentor a girl." "Yes." "That's just in case they get their period or something, right?" " You Tim?" " Who are you?" "Dr. Landry needs you back in the lecture hall." "I'll wait." "Tow truck's here." "Wallace says you're in his Sociology class." "Really?" "I haven't seen him." "Maybe because you haven't shown up for class." "Well, that's certainly one possibility." "Here." "A bonus birthday gift." "You got me a bow?" "A bow." "How did you guess?" "Open it, smarty pants." "Your room key?" "What if I drop in unexpectedly?" "The other girls will have to:" "Stop it." "You know there's no one else." "I only want you." "You ought to know that by now." "What, no quip?" "Look." "It's your BFF, the town drunk." " Hi, my name's Dick." "What's yours?" " Dee Dee." "How long have we known each other, Dee Dee?" " Eight seconds." " So where is this going, Dee Dee?" "I mean, is this thing we feel real or are we just in it for the torso butter?" "Truth is, I've been kicked out of on-campus housing and I know, timing's a little sooner than we hoped for but what do you say we move in together?" "Make our own love nest." "You should really walk away." "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" "I'll admit it, the kid looks good walking away." "It's all me too." "Ass like Marky Mark and the entire Funky Bunch." "Your bag?" "Oh, shit." " What the hell?" " Some kind of stun gun." "What, you want a hug or something?" "Does that sort of thing work with college girls?" "Because I'll tell you up front, I'm a lover, not a fighter." "I'm gonna try to talk to him." "Nice shirt." " You wanted me to meet you here?" " Yeah." " Is this the Welcome Wagon girl?" " Yeah." "That's her." "The girl in the photo is the Welcome Wagon girl." "The guy is the ringleader." " And you're sure that's her?" " That's her." "His name is Donald Fagin, and these three charming lads are the kids he mentors." "Thieves, all of them." "Why would those kids at the club talk to us if they knew they'd stolen my stuff?" "So they could steer us in the wrong direction." "Then they repeated the story to their mentor so the stories would match." "You realize there's not a lot of freshman girls who do this sort of thing?" "You know, solve crimes." " There aren't?" " So why do you do it?" " The cold hard cash." " Seriously." "Wallace told me about your friend who was murdered." "Because I'm good at it." "Maybe, I don't know." "Wallace should stick to analyzing himself." "This is absolutely not right." "You cannot just walk..." "You wanna know why I do it?" "Here it comes, this is the good part." " and take my things from me, and then..." " I might actually get my stuff back." " I might actually get paid." "Boom goes the dynamite." "So is that guy from last night your boyfriend?" "There she is." "You ever have a woman who loved you so much she'd do time for you?" "Baby." "I figured out the knocking thing." "You could've waited in your room." "Parker's in there with some guy." "Well, let's head out." "The midnight movie waits for no man." "Our tickets are in there, stuck in the mirror." "Above her suggestion box and tip jar." "Well, frak." "Give me your keys." "You're listening to Club Flush on KRFF, Hearst College radio." "Don't mind me." " That's excellent cake, Kendall." " Well, I'll tell Sara Lee you approve." "We've decided where we're going to run off to, Keith." " I don't wanna know." " It's got sand and water." "Stop." "That reminds me, I've got Cormac's travel documents in the car." "I'll just grab them, get out of here, give you kids private time." "Hurry, Keith." "We might not be able to contain ourselves." "Oh, no, Vinnie, please tell me you're not working for Liam." "Kendall." "Awfully cold night, Keith." "I'll come and pick up your carcass in the morning." "Guess Kendall wasn't that great a judge of character after all." "I don't have anywhere else to go." "Hey, it's all right." "I mean, you can stay here." "I messed up bad." "It's gonna be okay." "Come here." "You worked in a coffee shop." "How do you not know that an Irish coffee has whiskey in it?" "At Java the Hut, it meant a latte with a little shot of Irish cream syrup." "That explains the first one you ordered." "They were magically delicious." "And they served me." "Yeah." " You probably shouldn't drive home." " I'm fine." "Okay, maybe not." "And we're dude-free." "The couch is yours." "[ENGLISH]"