"Hi, diary." "So, lately, I've been thinking a lot about how people do things that seem like a really good idea at the time but actually are a complete disaster." "Guys, it was on sale." "Honestly, it would have been irresponsible not to buy it." "Is it, like, too frizzy?" "The man at the shelter said he'd take them back, but if we each take six and then skip one day of work a week, we could really make this dream a reality." "That's the thing about disasters." "They can seem super cute, and you don't know what you're getting until it's too late." "Now if I even sense a cat, I'm like..." "Are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm just breaking in a new bra today." "This one likes to buck." "T.M.I." "Ooh, easy." "Hello, Rolls." "Rolls?" "!" "Bitch, I don't even know you." "Lucinda." "Oh, Rolls-Royce, yeah." "I get " " I should have thought of that one." "Kimmie, please let me introduce you to Lucinda Taylor." "Lucinda is a very old friend of mine." "Nice to meet you." "Hello." "Lucinda's an art dealer from London, and, uh " "How come you're here?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "Well, I'm just promoting one of my newest artists," "Damien Marsh." "Yeah, I'm doing an exhibition of his new work at the vanberg gallery." "Oh, the vanberg gallery." "I know that one." "It used to be a bookstore." "I used to go in there all the time -- to pee." "Richard darling, um, would you like to take me to lunch?" "Uh, we're kind of in the middle of something right now, so..." "Oh, I see." "How about drinks, then, tonight -- say, 10:00?" " 10:00, UH... - 10:00?" "That's what Helen-Alice calls the stabbing hour." "Um, okay, well, I'll see you then." "Good." "I'm looking forward to it." "Good." "Okay." "Very good." "Ciao, cutie." " See you later." " It's Kimmie ac" "Oh, she's not talking to me." "Bye." "How do you know her?" "Lucinda and I used to date in London." " Audible gulp." " We almost got married." "Audible gasp." "Kimmie um, I need you to come with me tonight." "I can't be alone with her." "She's my kryptonite." "Every time we're together," "I always end up doing something I regret," "And it all turns out disastrous." "But why would you need me there?" "You can be my out." "Yes." "We'll come up with a code, and then you can say it" " and we'll both leave." " Yeah, cool." "Like a code, like in a James Bond movie." "Okay, um, what if I say "I think we should be going now, Moneypenny?"" "And then we just race up to the rooftop, get in the waiting helicopter, and then " "Land on an island -- suddenly we're in swimsuits." "Right, why don't we just say that we need to get the briefs out to the Berlin office?" "But it -- it would be an actual helicopter." "But you could pay for it, but, mm..." "I really feel like I'm getting better." "Totally." "You almost got the ball over the net today." " Hey, Marika." " Oh, hey, Jen." "This is my friend Ruby." "Nice to meet you, Ruby." "Yeah, I'll say." "Well, hey, a girl like that would never give me the time of day, but because I'm with you, she put her guard down." "Yeah, I guess." "Hey, what are you up to Saturday night?" "Ah, same old same old " "Watch Chuck Norris movie, wash out sports bras," "Bake a ham -- not necessarily in that order." "Sounds awesome, but, um, w-would you rather hang out with me instead?" "Uh yeah, I-I guess the ham can wait." " Yeah?" " Yeah, let's do it." "Awesome." "Cin cin, Kristen." "So nice to meet you." "It's Kimmie." " Kimmie." " Yeah." "Tell me, has Richard been causing some trouble here in the states." "Oh, yeah." "It's been complete insanity." "One time, he ate Cheryl's lunch from the fridge, even though it was clearly labeled "Cheryl's lunch."" "Richard, how is it that you are still as handsome the day we first met?" "I mean, I remember always thinking," ""Oh, god, Richard is the sexiest man alive when he wears a suit."" "And of course, back then, we used to use your ties for something else." " Lucinda, please." " Didn't we?" "Well, should we, um, have another round?" "Actually, lucinda, um, Richard and I have to get going." "Uh, we got to get those briefs out to the Berlin office." " Yes." " Oh, we have to do that tonight." "Oh, snooze." "Why don't we go to Brooklyn for a little pop-up rave with 200 of Damien's friends." "Sounds like fun, doesn't it?" "But that does actually sound quite tempting." "Yeah, but, unfortunately, we can't because of the briefs," " You know, that we have to get to Berlin." " Very important." "Oh, do you remember when we were in Berlin and you lost your briefs?" " Oh, my goodness." " Do you?" "We were at this discotheque called sprechen zee naughty." " Remember?" " Obviously, you were no help, as usual." "Actually, you know, I think I will go along to the party with Lucinda." "So, last night, I " "Let me guess." "You ate an entire wheel of cheese and watched an "A.L.F." marathon." "Yeah, but, well, before that," "I, " " I went out to drinks with Richard and his ex-fiance." "Ex-fiance?" "Wait?" "What?" "Who is she?" "Is she pretty?" "Who's skinnier -- her or me?" "Okay, I know if I don't answer that question, you will not listen to the rest of the story." "Um...you're definitely prettier and skinnier." "And if you both died and were on an episode of "The bachelor" in heaven," "God would give you the final rose." "You may continue." "So, I just " " I just have this bad feeling about Lucinda." "It's exactly how I felt the first time I saw Ursula in "The little mermaid."" "Oh, Kimmie, I would leave it." "Richard is a big boy." "I'm sure he can look out for himself." "Where is Richard?" "Richard." "Richard, wake up." "Richard." "Kimmie, there's a man barricaded himself in the toilet, and he's breathing fire and he won't let anybody in." "No, Richard, the meeting's happening right now." "Everyone's waiting for you." "Oh, very good, right." "Well, thank you very much, everybody, for coming." "Um, I'd just like to say -- there's nobody here, Kimmie." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, Kendall!" "Ah, I really like you." "What is wrong with him?" "He needs to pull himself together." "This meeting is important, Richard." "Pull yourself together." "I told you, it's that Lucinda woman." "She's done this to him." "Well, he's gonna make me look bad." "We have to do something." "Yeah, that's what I was trying to say." "We need to take that british bitch down." "Did you just call me a british bitch?" "What time is it?" "It's almost noon." "Oh, god!" "I had a deposition today." "I can't believe I missed that." "People get fired for things like that." "Not when you're the boss's son." "You're a very, very naughty girl, Lucinda." "I know I am." "Now, stop distracting me." "I need to get ready." "Your lovely friend invited me to lunch." " Really?" " Yeah." "And do you think she'll come to the gallery opening tomorrow night?" "I'm worried we won't have enough of a crowd." "Oh, perhaps you could invite some more friends from work." "You know, ones with deep pockets." "Well, I could always invite them, but, um, I won't be going." "I have to fly to Houston." "There's been a problem there," " and they need me to, uh..." " No, no, no." "...fix it." "Now, Richard, you are being very, very boring." "Right?" "Now, this gallery opening is very important." "It's a once-in-a-lifetime... experience." "And I need you to share it with me." "I suppose I could always reschedule." "Good boy." "Oh, god." "Aah." "No." "Kendall, what's the point of getting here so early if we can't take advantage of the complimentary rolls." "They're still a bit warm." "I can sense it." " Kimmie." "Focus." " Yeah?" "Okay." "Okay, when Lucinda arrives, it is important to remember that we need to dominate the conversation." "We are in control of this lunch." "How do you know all this stuff, Kendall?" "Oh boarding-school skill set, Kimmie." "You know, I used to be able to stare at a girl and within 10 seconds make her cry." "Drop it." "Pippa Middel-slut -- 10:00." "Okay, remember " " I'm the brains." "You're the brawn." "Let's do this." "Kristen, it's so lovely to see you again." "It's Kimmie." "Oh, and I see you brought your mother." "How lovely." "She's going down." "Think I should wear a skirt on my date with Ruby." "But what if we end up in the woods?" "Pantsuit." "Safer." "I'm so jealous Ruby asked you out on a date." "I wish Benji would man up and ask me out." "What's stopping you from asking him out?" "Uh, my complete lack of confidence" " and my crippling fear of rejection." " Come on." " What?" " He's totally into you." "This is not going to get me to call him." "Look -- okay, I got to take a different approach." "I give you $300 " "$250 -- in your pocket." " You're gonna give me $250..." " Heck, yeah." "...if I call Benji right now." "He's not gonna say no!" " Okay." " Put on the sparkle." "Hello." "Benji speaking." "Hi." "It's -- it's H-A " " Helen-Alice." "From downstairs, to, um " "We're going out on a date tomorrow night." " Bold." " Oh, my god." "Yes." "A thousand times yes, please." "Wait a minute." "If you were waiting, then why didn't you ask me out?" "Oh, um, my complete lack of confidence and my crippling fear of rejection." "Rejection." "We have so much in common." "All right, bye." "Oh, uh, he said yes." "You owe me $250." "No, no, that was if he said no." "No, that was just if I called him." "No, no, I -- it was if he said no." "This is why we need to start tape-recording everything we say to each other." "Man." "I just love the art world." "I mean, I travel constantly, and I just adore it." "Do you?" "Once, I went from France to Germany to Italy and then Japan in just over a week." "Can you believe that?" "Uh, yes, I did all of that in one day at Epcot, but whatever." "Uh-huh, well, ladies, this has been lovely, but I'm afraid I have to dash off." " Waiter." " Oh." "Uh, no, wait." "Um, before you go, we have something that we need to talk to you about." " Oh?" " Yes, we do." "It's about Richard." "We're worried about him." "Thank you." "Oh, I see what this is about." "You two are on a mission to save Richard." "Oh, that's so sweet." "Now, let me guess." "You're the jealous ex who can't move on, and you're the -- the chubby girl with bad shoes who thought she had a chance with prince charming." "Am I warm?" "Thought so." "Well, thanks for lunch." "It was such fun." "Ladies, Richard is mine." "And I can do whatever I want with him." "Ciao, cuties." "How dare she." "Only I am allowed to make fun of your shoes." "That one right there." "Ooh, lovely." " Don't eat that." " Oh, okay, sorry." "Art " " I can get confused sometimes," "You know, with what's what." "Oh, my god, we just sold another painting to one of your friends, Rolls." "Heaven." "Damien darling, you must bow down to this man." "No need to bow." "Just a little bit of groveling would be great." "No worries." "Oh, my god." "I've never seen him like that with anyone." " I " " I think he really likes you." " Really?" "Why wouldn't he?" "You're the sexiest man here." "Uh, am I?" "We are selling so many paintings." "It's so good." "Thank you." " You want " " I have to dash." " I'll be back." " Okay." "Remember, it's important that" "Richard knows we're doing this because we're his friends." "Kendall, see, it's not just about work." " You do care." " Kimmie, of course I care." "Plus, I realized I left some stuff at his place that I want back, so I don't want to piss him off." "Okay, uh, so, we're gonna go find Richard." "Are you -- are you gonna be okay?" " Yeah." " Oh, she's not 12." "Let's go." "Well, actually, Marika was born on a leap year," "So, technically, she's 7." "This many." "Burn." "This place is wack." "Maybe we shouldn't have come." "No, it'll be fun." "Oh, hey, girl with the side braid." "Wait, can you be my wingwoman?" "You go in, chat her up, and then I will swoop in for the kill." "What?" "I thought we were on a date." "What?" "What do you mean?" "You're gay." "Excuse me?" "You're not gay?" "No." "No." "Why would you even say that?" "I don't " " I don't know." "You built us a coffee table out of railroad ties." "Scavenging lumber from our majestic rail system does not make me gay, Ruby." "It just makes me thrifty... and deeply talented." "Okay." "I messed up." "I'm sorry." "I-I-I-I'm an idiot." "No, no, it's -- it's fine." "I mean, if you want to talk to side braid," "I can totally be the Goose to your Maverick..." "Even though goose did die in the end." "I..." "So, what do you think?" "Oh, I don't come here to look at the art." "Just like watching the people." "Take that guy, for example." "Recently divorced " "She got the kids, he got the dog," "And their interior designer, Kurt." "Okay, I got this." "10 bucks says she has her cat's ashes in that purse." "Right?" "I'm Frankie G." "Marika H." " Cool name." " Nice grip." "I coach tennis." "It's no big deal, but " "Yeah." "Art." " You want to hit the bar?" " Yeah!" "Okay." "I see." "Playing the long game." "You know Lucinda?" "Do you think, uh..." "Maybe she's changing you?" "Yeah, I mean, it's just like, uh, you've missed work," "Uh, you're drinking, and, perhaps most unsettling, you're wearing a thumb ring." "Yeah, we noticed." "Well, I'm just having a bit of fun." "And there's nothing wrong with that, is there?" "N-o-o-o-o." "But, uh, I mean, you were the one that said, "Lucinda is not good for me."" "Yeah, well, I changed my mind." "People do that." "I mean, you were on a gluten-free diet." "How long did that last?" "Okay, thanks for bringing up the longest hour of my life." "Look, okay, I missed some work." "I was late on a couple of deadlines." " It's not the end of the world, is it?" " No." "The end of the world is when rats realize they outnumber us" "Five to one." "Richard, can you seriously look me in the eyes and tell me there's not a problem?" "There's not a problem." "Oh, yes, actually, maybe there is." "You two are being a pair of jealous cats right now." "Excuse me, Richard, we are not being jealous." "No!" "I-I have a boyfriend." "Yeah, I'm fine." "Kimmie's fine." "We're fine." "I'd be fine if you'd just stay the hell out of my life!" "Yep." "Looks like I can kiss my boxed set of "Ally McBeal" DVDs goodbye." "No." "No." "Well, wherever he is, he's not answering his phone." "Should I send him an edible arrangement?" "It's hard to stay really mad if you've got a bouquet that you can eat." "Kimmie, you can't just throw food at a problem." "Well, I wish someone would have told me that 20 years ago." "So, what are we gonna do now?" "I don't know." "I feel like I've really messed this up." "I mean who am I to give Richard advice about who he should be dating?" "The only boyfriend I've had, apart from Michael and James, is a zucchini in a bow tie." "Wow." "Our first date." "Yeah, I had fun tonight." "See?" "That was easy." "Well, gosh." " Alone at last, right?" " Yeah." "Finally." "I think I'm " "I think I'm having, like, an allergy attack." "What are you allergic to?" "Uh, something -- something in this room." "I hope you're not allergic to me." "I think I need my EpiPen." " So I'm gonna go just get my EpiPen." " Okay." "But, UH..." "Oh, my god!" "Uh, Richard, where -- god, where have you been?" "I've been looking all over for you." "Awkward." "Yeah, I see you've been worried sick about me." "Darling, I have." "Where have you been?" "I got these for you." "Richard, come on." "Don't look so sullen." "You're making me sad." "What's funny?" "No, I was just thinking to myself." "Have you ever been offered a piece of advice from someone and you just weren't in the right frame of mind to accept it?" "Yeah, of course." "Well, how do you think I got this mustache tattooed to my finger?" "Well, I better be going." "Well, will I see you tomorrow?" "No, I don't think you will." "Why not?" "Well, you've sold all your paintings." "Richard." "Look, I was thinking about it." "I feel really bad about what happened at the gallery." "Oh, don't even worry about it." "No, no, let's start over." "Let's do this -- real date this time, just you and me." "Oh, you're serious." "Um, I think you're great, Rubes, but I-I think that we would probably be better to just be friends." "Friends with benefits." "N-no, just -- just friends." " Just friends." " Yeah." "Okay." "Yeah -- no, you're probably right." "I was gonna say the same thing." "So, uh --- uh, I'll see you this Thursday at the court?" " You know it." " Yeah." "Yeah, buddy." " All right." " All right." "All right, bye." "Do you have a minute?" "Sure." "Come in." "What can I do for you two?" "Kimmie thinks we should apologize." "For butting in." " Right." " Here's the thing " "I don't like apologizing." "Makes me...feel things." "I get this funny warm feeling in the back of my throat, and my nose starts to run and my eyes water." "That's called crying." "You shut your dirty mouth!" "So, let's just cut to the part where we're friends again." "Kimmie, you were wrong." "Richard, you were wrong." " And..." " You were wrong." "Well, there was wrongness all around." "And now it's over." "The end." "I did really want to say that I'm sorry." "I just want you to be happy, and if Lucinda makes you happy, then I'm prepared to put my personal feelings aside and just be happy for the both of you." "There's no need to apologize, Kimmie." "You were right." "Lucinda and I could never be together." "I was only angry at you because you were telling me the truth and I didn't want to hear it." "Instead of being angry..." "I should have thanked you for looking out for me." "Okay, um, well, I should get back to work." "Right." "Are you gonna be okay?" "Don't know." "Hope so." "I am a little bit worried, actually." "Why?" "I keep going after the wrong girl..." "And I wonder why I do that." " I am so sorry about that." " That's okay." " It's all taken care of." " Okay, good." "Well, uh..." "Oh, no, are you -- are you okay?" "What's happening?" "I have a feeling in the back of my throat." "Want to kiss me?" "Um, we should wait." " Want to kiss me?" " We should wait." "Kiss me?" "Before it happens?" "Just kiss me." "Let's just wait."