"* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Go together like *" "* A horse and carriage *" "* This I tell ya, brother *" "* You can't have one *" "* Without the other *" "* Love and marriage *" "* Love and marriage *" "* It's an institute *" "* You can't disparage *" "* Ask the local gentry *" "* And they will say It's elementary *" "* Try, try, try To separate them *" "* It's an illusion *" "* Try, try, try And you will only come *" "* To this conclusion *" "* Love and marriage **" "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Oh, why doesn't somebody move this?" "Hi!" "Hi!" "Have you seen Al?" "Too many times." "I can't believe he's not here yet." "Oh, don't worry." "I'm sure he's okay." "Who cares if he's okay?" "We've got 25 minutes to get to the closing of Johnny B. Goode's." "They're tearing it down tomorrow morning." "The burger place?" "Oh, it is much more than a burger place." "They've got fries." "You know, it's really a shame that they would tear down a landmark like that." "People come from miles around just to get a burger... and to look at the grease stain on the wall where Al used to rest his head." "And to think some people waste their time going to Yellowstone." "It's really gonna be a night to remember." "After all the people who have tickets get in, they're gonna close all the doors." "Then people all over town are gonna honk their horns in a fond farewell." "Sort of like Al does in a funeral procession." "It sounds like you've got a lot of memories there." "More than anywhere else." "After all, it's where I met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with." "And I met Al there too." "Where could he be?" "Oh, well." "He wouldn't miss this." "This is one of the few places that still lets him in." "So I see you're all ready for your big night." "Well... it's not just my big night." "I hope my dinner party goes well." "See, if I get the manager's position at Kyoto National, then Steve is in line for my old job at our bank." "I was hoping they'd give it to a woman, but out of respect for Steve, I'm staying neutral." "That's nice." "It was so nice of you to let us keep our poached salmon in your refrigerator." "Ours was so full already." "Al didn't touch it, did he?" "No." "He actually liked having it around." "He said it gave the refrigerator kind of a foody smell." "Well, I'm off to cement our future." "Oh!" "Look at my dress!" "Look at my fish!" "Look at my floor!" "I've got to go home and change." "Keep an eye on my fish." "It's keeping an eye on you." "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "The bankers just pulled up." "You sure it's not Al?" "Al doesn't drive a Mercedes with the license plate "YEN MEN."" "I can't go over there like this!" "You could wear something of mine." "Maybe I can go over there like this." "No, I can wash this out by hand and throw it in your dryer." "That should only take 15 minutes." "What about your company?" "Oh, Steve can stall for that long." "He'll just show them our river-rafting slides." "Got any Woolite?" "Oh, yeah." "I got some as a gag gift for my birthday." "It's upstairs in the bathroom." "Thanks!" "You can keep it, but just leave me the bow." "Al... loves..." "Peggy." "Sorry I'm late, but I was in such a rush," "I sideswiped a car parked out in front of Steve and Marcie's house." "Well, if they can afford to buy a Mercedes, they can afford to pay for it." "Didn't you leave a note?" "Sure I did." "I said, "Next time, buy American."" "Come on, Peg, hurry up." "We gotta get to the restaurant." "We're in the group that's going in first." "Number eight." "You're kidding." "How did you get such a low number?" "You know how Bud's always complaining" "I don't let him stay out late enough?" "So I told him he could sleep on the sidewalk last night at Johnny B. Goode's, and he got us number eight." "Bud wasn't home last night?" "Oh, well." "At least he was doing something worthwhile." "Man, I'm starved." "I can't wait to sink my teeth into one of those burgers one last time, and those great fries." "I still hold the record." "I think I can still eat 10 bags in one sitting." "Oh, you are great, honey." "It stinks in here." "What's that thing?" "Oh, that's Marcie's fish." "She spilled it on her dress." "She's upstairs washing it out" "Look." "I wrote you something." "Aww..." ""Al loves Piggy."" "That ought to be an E, Al." "I'll fix it." "I think I got the stain out." "Oh, Al, I didn't know you were here." "Well, there goes my appetite... and my favorite towel." "Marcie, I'll put that in the dryer for you." "Who's been playing in my fish?" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "After they get past number eight, we can't get in!" "Oh, I'm ready, Al." "I'm sorry, Marce, but we gotta go." "I'll be okay." "Does the dryer buzz when it's finished?" "How would I know?" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "Okay!" "My life is over." "That's nice, honey." "If you're hungry, there's sandwiches on the table and little fish bits on the floor." "Life stinks." "Yeah, well, it doesn't get any better." "We'll be at Johnny B. Goode's." "Wait a minute, Al." "We can't go with Kelly like this." "Why not?" "Life will stink tomorrow." "I know mine will." "All right." "Kelly, this usually takes an hour." "I say, "What's the matter?"" "You say, "Nothing." I say, "Come on, honey," "I know something's wrong." "What is it?"" "You say, "Nothing."" "So let's cut the crap." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Come on, honey," "I know something's wrong." "What is it?" "And keep in mind I haven't eaten anything all day." "Okay." "Well, Judy's having a party for all the kids who count, and I wasn't invited." "Well, honey, if they were really friends" "BOTH:" "...they would have invited you." "Well, thanks a lot, Mom." "So what you're trying to tell me is I have no friends." "That's great." "Why don't you really cheer me up and tell me again how lucky I am to have inherited the Bundy forehead?" "I can't believe it." "I just have to face it." "I'm not popular anymore." "And I've got the forehead of a dolphin." "Hey, that's one smart fish." "Oh, I'm ruined!" "Well, at least we'll know where she is tonight." "I'd better go up and talk to her." "Peg, we got number eight." "We got seven minutes to get there." "If she starts crying, give her some money." "That always works with you." "I don't know." "My parents never talked to me when I had a problem, and I turned out fine." "We're never gonna make it." "I got an idea." "Do you see a fish eye?" "No, but I see a chicken leg." "Hello, Johnny B. Goode's?" "Who's this?" "Hey, Spike, it's Al." "You got a minute?" "The hell with the People magazineinterview." "You gotta do me a favor." "You know my friend Fat Charlie?" "Yeah, the fat one." "He's got number 50, and I got 8." "Would you mind if I traded with him?" "Great." "Would you go out in the parking lot and tell him?" "I'll get there when I can, okay?" "Rock 'n' roll forever." "Come on, Peg." "The fries aren't getting any younger." "Neither are you." "Marcie, I got three questions for you." "What are you doing in a towel, what am I supposed to do with the Takahashi brothers, and why didn't you tell me you mixed our rafting slides in with the ones of your sister giving birth to the twins?" "Well, number one, I spilled." "Number two, get out our camera and ask them how to use it." "And number three, it's for a lecture I'm giving at our women's group," ""Childbirth and River Rafting:" "Two of Nature's Bumpy Rides."" "Now go home, go upstairs, get me a dress, and hurry!" "Which dress?" "The power dress." "Now, go!" "Peg, does the phrase, "Hurry the hell up"" "mean anything to you?" "I've taken care of everything." "We are one phone call away from this whole thing being settled." "[RINGS]" "Hello." "Kelly, it's for you!" "That should do it." "Marcie, make yourself at home." "Watch TV if you'd like." "Oh, and don't pet the dog." "He might expect it from us." "Come on, Peg." "Hurry up." "People magazine's down there." "We might get our picture taken." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Come on!" "KELLY:" "Mom!" "How could you?" "You made her mother invite me?" "It was bad enough not being invited in the first place." "Now I'm the crybaby who had her mother call and beg to invite the nerd." "That's what I am now." "The nerd." "I spent 15 years bleaching and dying and piercing just to create this awesome image, and it is shot to hell with one phone call." "Oh, Daddy!" "But I was number 50!" "Honey," "I know how you're feeling right now, but look, things aren't as bad as they seem." "Even nerds get married." "Look at Marcie." "Great." "That's just how I want to spend my life." "Sitting there in my natural hair color, fondling a dead fish." "Let me handle this, Al." "Kelly, honey, your friends are mad at you now, but you'll be a celebrity when they see the picture of Daddy and me in People magazine." "I'll be there with my hands tied behind my back, eating bags of fries." "Yeah, and I'll be leading the crowd, cheering, "Chug a spud!" "Chug a spud!" "Chug a spud!"" "Oh, how proud I'll be." "Look, you guys go and have a good time." "I'll be okay." "If I'm gonna be a nerd, fine." "I can deal with it." "In fact, I'll start practicing right now." "Read any good books lately, Mrs. Rhoades?" "As a matter of fact, I have." "It's called The Living Planet." "Would you kill me with it, please?" "No, look, you guys just go." "I mean, after all, if I had a chance to have fun," "I wouldn't let one of your problems stop me from going." "Of course, I'm not a parent." "Our little Kelly is really growing up, Al." "Sit up, dear." "That's how you get the Bundy forehead." "Come on, Peg." "We're running out of time!" "Hi, Dad." "Mom." "Honey, there's dinner on the table right next to your sister's head." "Where'd you put my car?" "What car?" "Dad, tonight's the finals for the Run 'em and Wreck 'em Rally." "I've got post position in an hour." "Are there gonna be any nerds there?" "I'll come." "You weren't invited, Kel." "Bud, are you sure I promised you?" "Dad, you said you'd fix it last night if I'd sit on the cold pavement in front of Johnny B. Goode's with a bunch of sad old geezers singing Beach Boys songs." "But did I promise?" "Get the car, Bud." "We're never gonna make it." "I probably don't have enough time to fix the car." "Here, Peg." "You go and have a good time." "Aw, that's sweet, Al." "But I can't go without you." "My memories of Johnny B. Goode's are of us being together." "I'm glad to hear you say that." "Because I had no intention of giving you this ticket." "Hurry up, Bud!" "Never wanted to get married." "I'm married." "Never wanted to have kids." "I got two of them." "How the hell did this happen?" "Hello, Spike?" "Al." "Listen, is No-Jaw McKenzie there?" "Yeah, the one with no jaw." "Is she there?" "Great." "Listen, she's got number 110." "Tell her I'll trade my number 50 for it, okay?" "Yeah, thanks." "Rock 'n' roll-- Yeah, something." "Give me the car." "Get out of my way." "Nice to spend these father/son moments together, Dad." "Shut up." "I'm trying to read." "Oh, great." "This is Japanese." "Oh, here we go." "Uh, "Achtung!" "Ihr hapft dikaf--"" "These aren't instructions." "It's the history of World War II." "Oh, here it is." "Uh, "Attention." "Vous avez--"" "Hell." "More people we should have killed." "Where's American?" "Oh, here it is." "Here it is." ""Battery check before" "To put cable on, be sure--"" "Will you hurry up, Al?" "Yeah, I'll quit lollygagging here any minute." "Bud, here." "Put these batteries in something." "See if they work." "Dad, can I ask you something real quick?" "Yeah, okay." "What?" "What's Mrs. Rhoades doing in our living room wearing your favorite towel?" "You want to hear a long, boring story about a short, boring woman, or you want your car fixed?" "All right." ""Put the red terminal in the..." "leconduizez."" "Oh." "My friends the French again." ""The conductor."" "Why don't they just say, "Put the red wire in the hole"?" "Oh, here it is." ""Put the red wire in the hole."" "So typical." "Over there solving the male child's problems while your daughter takes the back seat." "You should be used to that, Kel." "I know there was a mix-up in the maternity ward." "Somewhere in a game preserve, two orangutans are picking lice off the head of my real baby brother." "Al, talk to Kelly." "How was your day, honey?" "You're standing in my light, Kelly!" "Daddy..." "You wanted advice, I gave you advice." "You didn't want advice, I left you alone." "Ok." "Here's my advice" "I'm not a monkey." "We know, son." "Is my dress ready yet?" "For your body?" "No." "I'll go check on it." "Kelly, there were plenty of parties I wasn't invited to when I was a kid." "There's a mystery." "Here's another" " What the hell's holding that towel up?" "So to continue, Kelly." "I just showed up." "I just stood there, big smile on my face." "I said, "I'm here"" "and went straight for the food." "They didn't want me, but I had a great time." "And if they didn't, too bad." "If you want to be there, be there, even if they hate you." "You're a Bundy." "Start acting like one." "I'm going to my room." "That's a girl, go where you want to go." "I'm taking the binoculars." "If I can't be there, at least I can see the lights from my room..." "If I can fit the strap over my forehead." "Dad, I sure hope you're better at fixing cars than lives." "You call these lives?" "Almost ready, Marce." "How long does it take to dry a dress?" "In the machine's defense," "Al fixed that too." "I have an announcement." "Shut up." "Where's Steve?" "How long does it take to find a dress?" "It's not like he's going through his stuff." "His stuff has to be all folded very carefully and neatly put away in his drawers, all color-coded like his stupid socks." "Does Al have a sock drawer?" "Yeah." "It's called the floor." "RADIO:" "Johnny B. Goode's is sure hopping tonight." "Batteries work, Dad." "Shh!" "Yes, it's closing night at Johnny B. Goode's," "But we're having fun, aren't we?" "Yeah!" "Now stand away from the doors." "We're getting ready to let people in with numbers from 100 to 150." "Aw, Peg!" "I traded for 110!" "What am I gonna do?" "I'll call your friend Spike." "And I'll tell him to trade with my friend Easy Edie, you know, the one that turned you down in high school?" "She's got number 198." "Okay, we're almost ready for the fry-eating contest!" "Chug a spud!" "Chug a spud!" "Chug a spud!" "Those people are morons, Dad." "Give me the batteries." "I'm done with the car." "What are all those extra parts?" "They're-- they're extra parts, for Koreans or something." "Steve, where have you been?" "I got halfway out the back door," "And Mr. Takahashi said, "Hey, where you go?"" "So I couldn't just leave." "We started talking baseball." "Then we got into the sake." "I wrote a haiku." "Give me this." "You call this a power dress?" "I can't wear this among bankers!" "I was in a hurry, I grabbed the first thing I saw." "I did that once, that's how I got Peg." "Marcie, there's nothing wrong with that dress." "Okay." "We got number 198." "Ooh!" "Nice dress." "Sorry." "[DRYER BUZZES]" "Never mind." "My dress is dry." "Go back and stall them." "Right." "Uh, let's see." "Ooh!" "They mentioned their new Mercedes." "I'll have them show it to me." "Ok!" "Here it is!" "There it goes." "I saw that." "Okay, okay, must be something wrong with the batteries in the remote control." "Are you sure it couldn't be one of those extra parts." "You said that about our real car, didn't you Bud?" "And it's running fine." "I mean, it's running good enough that it can slam into a $40,000 Mercedes and keep on going." "RADIO:" "Chug a spud!" "Chug a spud!" "Chug a spud!" "That's a record so far tonight, eight bags." "Once there was a guy who could eat 10 bags" "Al "The Pig" Bundy." "He wouldn't pay for them, but he'd eat them." "Well, it looks like they're going to be seating the last group in about 10 minutes." "That means it's last call..." "For cholesterol!" "Remember, you can still be a part of history." "When we announce the doors are closed for good," "We want people all over Chicago to honk their horns to say goodbye to Johnny B. Goode's." "I wish I were dead." "I wish I was blind." "I guess I can just kiss this job goodbye." "They're trust their bank to some harlot." "I might as well put on go-go boots and sing Nancy Sinatra songs." "Well, I like it." "I think you should be proud." "Just go on in there and show them what you got." "That's how Peg got me." "I'd never let any real people see me in this." "That's it!" "I just saw Judy's trying to steal back the boyfriend" "I stole from her." "I'm not letting her get away with it." "I'm a Bundy." "I'm going right over there and knock her teeth out." "Nice dress, Mrs. Rhoades." "Well, if she can do it, I can do it." "I'm not a Bundy-- Thank God" "But I'm going home right now and getting that job." "There." "I think they were just put in wrong." "It's working." "Get out." "Thanks, Dad." "Peg, as much as I hate to see you run, run." "How much time have we got, Al?" "[HORNS HONKING]" "Well, Johnny be gone." "We just missed the end of an era." "Yep." "Well, we'll start a new era." "How?" "We don't have any traditions." "We're Bundys." "We still have one tradition." "Remember what we used to do when we came back from Johnny B. Goode's?" "In my parents' living room?" "Yeah." "[TURNS ON TELEVISION]" "[***]"