"Don't do this to me now!" "Come on, come on," "I have to wake up Xev!" "Xev!" "Can you hear me?" "Xev, please hear me, you have to wake up now." "Xev!" "Oh darling Xev, I've failed you." "The robot head who loves you has let you down." "Unhand me, you fiend!" "Or better yet, first bring me to my beloved Xev!" "Bring me to Xev!" "Who is Xev?" "My beloved darling Xev is the greatest woman who has ever lived, and I demand that you wake her at once!" "Who else is onboard, exactly?" "A security guard called Stanley Tweedle who is of no importance whatsoever at any time or place, and a dead assassin named Kai." "Bring me to her at once or " "Or what?" "I'll wake her up myself." "How?" "I would have wakened her a long time ago, except that the cryopod control unit couldn't hear me from down there where I was stuck." "So she's the important one?" "Without a doubt." "Good." "So, are you going to bring me to her?" "No." "The dead one." "Oh" " Kai, mine's not working." "Oh, I feel really stiff for some reason " "oh, wait a second." "Are we somewhere?" "Yes." "We are?" "Where?" "Somewhere." "Who are you?" "Prince." "Who are you?" "Stanley." "What are you?" "I" " I'm a Tweedle, that's " "I'm a captain." "Yes?" "Of the Lexx." "The Lexx?" "This is the Lexx." "This comet?" "Comet?" "No, no, this is what we're on, it's the Lexx." "It's a, it's a big " "Bug?" "Yeah, yeah, it's a big bug, but, it's also a spaceship." "I mean, it flies around like a bug, only it's bigger, and it can, it can " "What?" "It can " "What?" "It can talk, if it wants to." "So - exactly where are we?" "Between Fire and Water." "And how long have we been here?" "You first appeared in the sky three battles ago." "How long - how long is that?" "Long time." "There have been many expeditions to the giant comet - or bug, as you call it." "This is the first to succeed." "Hmm." "Interesting." "Lexx - you can wake up now!" "Good morning, Stanley." "Good morning, Lexx." "How are you today?" "I am tired, Stan." "I have been sleeping for a very long time." "How long?" "I don't know." "How important are you?" "It isn't obvious?" "Er, Lexx " "Yes?" "Tell them - er," "tell them that you're not unfriendly in any way, that you're just a big bug that wants to eat, right?" "I am not unfriendly in any way." "I am just a big bug that wants to eat - right?" "So - let's, er, let's go wake up the others." "Why?" "We're just getting to know each other." "Well, it's just my friends have been asleep for a long time." "I'm sure they'd really like to be up about now." "Let us be friends, Stanley Tweedle, you and I." "Friends, oh, yeah, sure." "Yeah, friends." "We're friends." "So what else does your bug do?" "It r - well, it flies around." "When it, er " "When it what?" "When it - when it does." "Say, you know, I should have asked you before, but - what do you guys exactly want?" "The question is not what do we want." "Oh, well, I want " "I want " "I want outta here!" "We missed you, Stanley." "That hurts!" "Does it?" "Yes." "Argh!" "I'm very good with pain." "Why are you doing this to me?" "Fun." "Tell me a story, Stanley Tweedle." "What kind of story?" "Tell me about yourself." "What do you wanna know?" "Who you are?" "How you got here?" "Well, we were in the Light Universe." "It got destroyed, and that made us go into the Dark Zone, into here " "The voice of an angel." "Let's not forget, now we are in the Dark Zone, and this is the universe of evil, of chaos, depravity - and so what do we do now?" "I suppose we find ourselves a new home." "Right - which then gets destroyed, like every place we've ever been." "Your point?" "My point?" "My point?" "is that this time we should actually have a plan, you know?" "Let's actually choose a worthwhile destination, instead of just finding some random one." "Yes." "Yes!" "Kai - you know about the Dark Zone - where are the good planets?" "Define good planet." "Well - for me it'd be one, you know, one I'd feel comfortable living on, you know, kind of a tingle me, jingle me, get honked and do it, you know, kind of planet," "you understand what I mean?" "No." "Well, er, you know, a come over here, squeeze me, please me, tease me kind of planet, you know, a naughty nymphomaniac planet." "Nimbus 9." "What, Nimbus 9 what?" "Nimbus 9 is a prison planet rumoured to be entirely populated by naked naughty nymphomaniacs." "Ho ho ho ho!" " Lexx - set course for Nimbus 9." "I am sorry, Stan" " I cannot do that." "What?" "I cannot set course for Nimbus 9." "No, no, no, ten times no!" "Lexx, I am captain and I am giving you a direct order!" "I'm sorry, Stanley." "I cannot." "Why not?" "" "I am hungry." "Yeah, Lexx, well so am I, but what's that gotta do with going to Nimbus 9?" "I am giving you a direct order!" "I am very - Lexx" " Lexx!" "Lexx?" "Hungry!" "Yeah, Lexx, so you said." "Now Lexx, please, take us to Nimbus 9." "I cannot." "The Lexx is out of fuel." "Kai merely diverted some of the tiny amount of power in Lexx's weapon system." "Food is his fuel, and the Lexx has not eaten in some time." "Which means?" "That we're stuck." "Why don't you just go ahead and eat?" "There is nothing to eat around here." "Well, go somewhere where there's food." "I cannot go anywhere." "How can he be so stupid?" "Easily and always." "He is stupid, and you are captain of the stupid." "What about our food?" "Can he still feed us?" "Please, Lexx, just a shot, just one little squirt of that delicious creamy substance that we love so much." "I am sorry, Stanley." "You are my captain, but I cannot." "OK, the Lexx can't move, can't make us food - what do we do?" "Xev darling?" "Yes 790?" "When you die our love will not end." "I will think about nothing else but you until I run out of power." "I will love you to my last electron." "A moth." "We could take a moth and fly to the nearest planet." "The nearest solar system is over 400 light years away, many thousand times the range of a moth." "OK, OK, forget that plan." "Do we have any plan?" "We can drift." "Yes!" "We can drift, until we are eventually drawn into the orbit of a celestial object." "Well, how long's it gonna take us to reach one of those if we just drift?" "Somewhere between 900 standard years and 16 thousand standard years." "So what do we eat in the meantime?" "Ready?" "Ready." "I will go into deep shutdown to preserve my power." "I will switch on once every month to check things out." "But Xev - Yes?" "Can't I wake you up?" "Why?" "Just to look at you." "No." "Xev?" "Yes?" "I miss you already." "I miss you too." "I'll set the program to wake me up once each year, to check on 790." "Why, don't you trust him?" "Our journey will be long." "The chance of mechanical failure over such a period is not insignificant." "OK." "Lexx - are you ready?" "I am ready, Stan." "Good." "Well" " I guess this is it." "I'm ready." "Yeah, me too." "OK, Lexx, it's time - you can go to sleep now." "As you command." "And Lexx, don't wake up until I tell you, OK?" "Goodnight, Stan." "Goodnight, Lexx." "Kai - is it OK if I dream about you?" "You will not dream." "Well, if I did dream, I would like to dream about you." "If you like." "I do like." "Goodnight Kai." "And then, then you unfroze me." "Seems like it all just happened." "Guess you have no sense of time when you're in cryosleep." "Well, that's everything, that's it, we're just travellers, we're just passing through." "Look, I know the ship looks big, and it looks scary and all, but I mean, it's just a big bug it couldn't hurt a fly, so it's no threat to you or to anybody." "So look, I'll just go wake up the others and we'll just continue on our way." "What about the man in black?" "Oh, he's dead, see, we're just holding onto him until we can finally land on a planet and bury him, you know?" "It's a custom we observe, with our dead." "Actually, he's kind of alive dead." "Alive dead?" "Yeah, yeah." "He can actually walk around a little bit." "You know, we should go wake him up so that, so that I could show you." "You'd find it really interesting." "What about the woman?" "Oh - don't worry about her, she's - I dunno, she's just a nurse or something," "I, you know, I bet, I don't even know for sure exactly what it is she does do, but she's definitely not important." "She's not important?" "No, not important, not in any way shape or form." "YOU - are not important!" "Oh, stop pushing." "Where am I?" "Look, just please tell me where I am." "Ow!" "Ow!" "Hey, look, ow!" "Easy there, pal," "I didn't agree to any of this." "What was that?" "Could you please speak just a little more clearly?" "What a couple of cretins." "You see, when I speak I use my lips and my tongue," "hmm, so that simpletons like you can un-der-stand!" "Is that your tongue?" "Oh, sorry - but I still don't understand what you want from me." "Is this what I'm supposed to do, yeah?" "Well I won't do that." "Whatever." "Whatever." "I'm not gonna do it." "Oww!" "Ow!" "OK, OK, OK," "I'll do it for a while!" "Where am I?" "Kai?" "Stan?" "It's so hot." "Who are you?" "Who are you?" "I am Prince." "Who are you?" " Xev." " Xev." "Tell me about yourself, Xev." "Tell me everything." "Tell me about your ship." "Tell me your story." "No, no, no, fifty thousand times no!" "I am not gonna do this anymore." "I've had enough." "I'm not gonna do it anymore, you hear me?" "Does anybody hear me?" "This is Stanley H Tweedle, the captain of the Lexx, and I am not gonna play this stupid game anymore." "Come on Stanley, wake up, wake up, wake up." "This can't be real, it's not real." "I'm still in cryosleep, still on the Lexx, it's not real." "Oh." "Oh, good, finally." "Now look" " I hereby formally protest the treatment that I am receiving." "I have done nothing to warrant this kind of punishment, and I demand that I be returned to my ship," "or else you're gonna suffer the severest - the severest consequences, and I'm serious about this." "You respond to my command promptly, or I'll see to it personally that you pay the price." "Forget it, forget it, listen, my arms are tired, my legs are about to give out, and my back is burning up, so you can poke all you want, I am not gonna do this anymore, period." "Hey - hey, hey - didn't you guys hear me?" "Look, I know you don't have tongues but you've got ears, haven't you?" "Look, I'm Stanley H Tweedle, captain of the Lexx, and I'm not gonna put up with this any longer." "Oh no." "What did I do to deserve this?" "This is a joke," "right?" "This is a joke, right, huh?" "And you guys are just trying to scare me, right?" "I'm willing to co-operate, OK," "I'm willing to co-operate," "I can do this, guys." "Ah!" "You made your point, so let's just get rid of the blade thing," "OK?" "Look, I don't have a whole lot more left in me," "OK?" "Hey, if I don't have a head, I won't be able to pump at all." "Guys, look" " I'm co-operating!" "Guys - the blade - guys!" "I will love you forever." "Why is it so hot in here?" "That is why we are always at war." "Some suffer in a world of heat and flames, and others luxuriate in a world of cool water and endless beauty." "What are you talking about?" "What has always been, and no longer must be." "Sorry?" "We burn in the heat, and they care nothing for our suffering!" "Who are they?" "No-one knows how long ago the war began." "And no-one knew how it would end, until now." "Are you afraid?" "Of what?" "Of me." "Should I be?" "Yes." "I still don't know who you are, but I'm not afraid of you." "We pump the bellows day and night to keep the air cool, it's the only way we have to survive." "We must escape from this place." "There is our new home " "Water!" "I sense a deep emptiness in you, Xev." "Please help me." "How?" "I don't know." "You must tell me, I only know that you can." "Why?" "It's my gift." "I don't think that I understand ." "I" " I have waited for you forever." "What do you mean?" "I knew that somehow, someday, you would come here," "and until that day happened," "I would never know true joy." "Is that what you feel - now?" "Close your eyes." "Close them." "Please help me." "How can I?" "Until now, there has always been a balance." "That's why the war has never ended." "But now - you, Xev," "you are the grain of sand that will tip the scales." "You and your ship - the Lexx." "790, you do not love me." "You love Xev." "Who's Xev?" "She is a beautiful love slave." "Who cares about a stupid love slave?" "You are the man of my dreams." "Except for one short period each year, I have been frozen for over four millennia." "You have been switching on once a month during that same period." "Since I last reanimated, Xev and Stan, the other members of the crew, have disappeared." "What happened to them?" "Don't know, don't care." "790 - do you love me?" "Desperately!" "Then you will help me locate them." "Whatever you say, heart throb of desire." "Where's the dead guy when you need him?" "The moths are all dead, so we cannot fly down to the two planets." "Good!" "And Kai?" "Yes?" "Your name has a nice ring to it." "Thank you, 790." "Where are Stanley and Kai?" "They're dead." "Stanley Tweedle was the one who had the key to the Lexx." "The key to the Lexx?" "Yes, the Lexx only responds to the one who has the key." "Is that important?" "The Lexx is not a grain of sand that can tip the scales, it is a huge desert." "Actually it's the most powerful weapon ever created." "It can destroy a planet within seconds, but only if Stanley Tweedle tells it to." "He never mentioned that to me." "What do you mean?" "I though he was dead." "Please Kai, think of me!" "Think of our future together." "When we pass between the two planets," "I can drop down to one or the other." "I have no way of knowing which one they are on." "I'll have to make a random choice." "Choose me!" "Choose the robot head!" "I will not make that choice." "Then promise me that you'll come back?" "I cannot do that either." "I may not find the means necessary to return." "Then let me come with you!" "You would be destroyed on impact." "I will call you if I require your assistance." "We are at the optimum point." "I will let you choose the planet, 790." "I will short circuit!" "I will crash!" "I cannot choose one planet over the other, I'm not wired for it." "Then I choose - the desert planet." "No - the water planet!" "The water planet!" "I will accept your choice, 790." "You may be dead, but our love will always be alive."