"MUSIC:" ""O Fortuna" by Carl Orff" "44 years of hurt." "Six major tournament no-shows." "Five lost penalty shoot-outs." "11 sending-offs." "Seven official tournament songs." "13 managers." "One hand of God." "Tonight, we look back though English football history, warts and all, to create the Frankenstein's monster that is England's worst-ever football team." "With the World Cup in South Africa looming large, England once more prepare to end over four decades of football frustration." "..loses his man..." "Gascoigne!" "I don't believe it!" "But while Fabio mulls over his selection, we're putting together a very different England side." "He's got one of them faces you'd love to slap." "I love people with beautiful hair." "I'm sorry, someone will have to tell me how that's his fault." "Completely nuts but a nice nuts." "Be warned, the next 90 minutes will not be pretty." "For as much as there have been crimes committed on the pitch by England's finest, their off-field behaviour has not always been exemplary." "I did have a Ferrari and I had an unfortunate little crash in it." "So, we'll be rummaging through the players' extracurriculars, rifling through their records - musical rather than criminal..." "# What would you do if I sang out of tune?" "#" ".. as well as casting a bemused eye over the hairdos, ill-advised wardrobes and misguided public appearances." "We've trawled the archives and based upon incontrovertible fact, as well as a fair degree of prejudice..." "He just didn't look right on the football field." "We will be debating who will have the honour of representing this terrible, terrifying team." "Oh, my God, this geezer's a nutter!" "So strap yourselves in and please join us for the headlong rush into ill-behaviour, bad luck, and incompetence that is England's worst-ever football team." "Oh, dear!" "So let's get started." "And it's still Michael Owen, he's scored a wonderful goal!" "It's a fact - goals win matches." "But scoring goals is always going to be difficult for an England Worst XI." "Especially when we consider these players who might be picked up front." "Corky's an easy sort of..." "John Fashanu?" "FASH LAUGHS" "I remember John Fashanu for being presenter of the Gladiators." "Awooga!" "I think John Fashanu's greatest contribution to English culture," "English society, is the phrase "awooga"." "Awooga!" "The single most inspiring, motivational, spine-tingling exclamation ever that spilled from an Englishman's lips." "Awooga!" "When it comes to light entertainment, this man can turn his hand to anything." "Tonight, singing live, John Fashanu is..." "Otis Redding!" "Remember, only clap if he nails it." "# Sitting in the morning sun... #" "APPLAUSE" "# I'll be sitting when the evening comes... #" "Nailed it!" "# Watching the ships roll in... #" "But some people remember John "Fash" Fashanu as a footballer, which he was." "Maybe not in the way that Pele or Maradona were footballers, but he was a footballer nonetheless." "Fash was a big, big bully." "But a great target man." "Magnificent in the air." ".. so was Fashanu!" "Close." "Wasn't a particularly great player but he was just a real handful." "And it was for that very reason John Fashanu played for England." "With a crowd of just over 15,000 turning up to Wembley to witness history in the making." "..26-year-old John Fashanu..." "Let's take a look at his best bits." "# This could be the greatest day of our lives... #" "Gascoigne on the left..." "Fashanu!" "All mixed up." "OK, it's tough at international level." "Let's give the guy another chance." "Away to Scotland." "He could not trap a bag of cement, he had a touch like a baby elephant..." "Webb..." "Fashanu." ".. but could cause absolute mayhem in the opposing box." "That's why I understand why he played for England." "Fashanu climbing with the goalkeeper..." "I thought that was a foul." "The only thing I like about John Fashanu having played for England is it means I've still got a chance." "It's your turn, Kevin." "Or rather it's Third Division Steve Bull's." "Who came on for Fash, did this..." "Bull." "And again..." "Oh!" "And played his way into the England World Cup '90 squad, ensuring Fash's England career went out, not with a bang, but a..." "Awooga!" "And while it's a safe bet that Fash the Bash was proud to represent his country, could the same be said of this man?" "It's Sutton... sizing it up!" "In the mid-'90s, Christopher Roy Sutton was a prolific striker for Blackburn Rovers, which led to a call-up for England." "Here he is earning his first cap." "Playing 12 minutes against Cameroon." "But after this run-out there was a problem." "Glenn Hoddle wanted him to play in the reserves for the B team and he didn't want to do that." "Yeah, believe it or not, patriotic viewer," "Chris Sutton refused to represent his country, and some of us have never forgotten, never mind forgiven." "Why would you not want to represent your country at anything?" "I couldn't understand it." "It's not like it's inconvenient!" "# Swing it, shake it" "# Move it, make it Who do you think you are?" "#" "Maybe he thought he was too good for England B." "Trust me, I played against him for 15 years, he weren't too good for England B." "That was about his standard." "With a mere 12 minutes in an England shirt to your name, allow us to remind you what it means to play for your country." "MUSIC: "The Dambusters March" by Eric Coates" "So far John Fashanu and Chris Sutton are strong contenders to fill the striker berth for England's worst-ever football team." "Who could possibly get in the way?" "Hold up, is that Andy Cole?" "He scored 187 goals in the Premier League - phenomenal!" "Second only to Alan Shearer, and that will go down in history." "And for England he scored one." "Untried and untested, await their chance on the bench, Andy Cole in the centre of picture." "1995 and Andy "call me Andrew" Alexander Cole, gets his debut game for England." "Go on, Coley!" "Cole..." "Just ran away, and the reaction of Terry Venables." "After this game, Cole didn't play again for England for another two years." "So what was the problem with Andrew Alexander Cole?" "Andy Cole's problem was there were lots of strikers, all roughly the same ability but all vying for a place alongside Alan Shearer." "Some people have another explanation why Andrew Cole didn't cut it in an England shirt." "There's a striker who can't quite translate whatever he does at club level to country level." "So which one of these three misfiring hit men will make it on to England's worst-ever football team?" "John Fashanu, Christopher Roy Sutton or Andy "call me Andrew" Alexander Cole?" "Have we got space for a big, useless lump up front?" "We've always got space for a big, useless lump up front, John's in." "John Fashanu." "Much as we love your "awooga", it's clear that at international level you just weren't up to it." "However, you are more than welcome to more than two caps for England's worst-ever football team." "Our first striker is in place." "Let's move on to that sexiest of positions, right back." "Gary Neville is the biggest BLEEP stirrer and the starter of things." "So why do some people hate Gary Alexander Neville?" "Let us count the ways." "Why don't people like Gary Neville?" "Because I think he's a moaning little git, and he's got one of them faces you'd love to slap." "I think Gary Neville is great for England, it's just that people don't want to like him because he had that funny moustache thing." "He just looks like an extra from Shameless, with that little rat-faced, weaselly little beard." "Something else that gets our goat is Gary's hoarding of our beloved Becks." "He's not your property, Gary, he's property of England." "And then maybe Posh." "If you need to latch onto the best-looking man in the world to get a bit of fame you're not going to make many friends." "# And it's always you and me" "# Always and forever... #" "Valente knocks Beckham over, free kick to England." "It must be odd for security guards when they're taking them both round, the first sound is, "Hooray!" ""It's David Beckham!" Within a split-second it's, "Urrr," ""it's Gary Neville."" ""Hooray!" "Urrr."" "OK, so hair and beard we don't rate." "And we do suspect he loves Becks a little too much." "But the boy Neville in an England shirt can actually play a bit." "This is Neville." "Oh, and there's Alan Shearer!" "Shearer scores for England." "How on Earth Gary Neville is mentioned I don't know." "I think, for consistency over 10 or 12 years he's been by far England's best right back." "Mr Popularity, Gary Neville, has probably played his way out of being in our England's worst-ever football team." "But will the same be true for our next right back candidate?" "Parker, who is 25, another player London-born and London-based comes in at right back." "Paul Andrew Parker." "Sometimes, a serviceable" "England career can be defined by a moment." "All those bits you do right can be forgotten when, in the biggest game of your career, you are fingered by cruel fate." "Football is an unforgiving mistress." "It's direct." "and it's been deflected... .. and it's in the net!" "You can't call a defection a mistake, can you?" "Andreas Brehme drives the shot." "Paul Parker, number 12, deflected it over the head of a despairing Shilton." "Stand up to the Hun when they unleash their set-piece howitzer attack." "And yet Paul can't escape this." "Can't we give the poor man a break?" "There are some people who say it wasn't even his fault." "Shilton had what felt like about two minutes to see the ball slowly descending upon him." "Peter Shilton at the time was 40, he had as much bounce about him as a 70-year-old invalid convalescing after a hip op." "Nobody in Germany has any idea who the ball hit, we all just remember the goalkeeper mistake, so, at least in Germany, his record is still unblemished." "If the Germans aren't going to give the goal to him, we won't either." "Paul Parker, you've just been handed a last-minute reprieve." "I've got a funny feeling the next player for consideration won't be so lucky." "A regular fixture of Kevin Keegan's mid-'90s Newcastle side while Gary Neville was still a twinkle in Alex Ferguson's eye, Warren Barton got a call-up for England." "Warren Barton!" "His first game for England was against the Republic of Ireland." "The game didn't even finish - that's a sign already!" "We are not suggesting that England fans were rioting about Barton's inclusion, we are just suggesting it's possible." "Warren then got another go against Sweden and the rest, as they say, is history." "And the cross-field ball again, and Barton, not too sure." "# Yes, we've just begun... #" "He looked like he should have been in that band, Big Fun." "He had that sort of blonde '80s hair, didn't he?" "And Barton, again..." "Didn't get the cross in that he needed to." "If your hair is more memorable than your feet, then you're not a very good footballer." "# Sharing horizons that are new to us... #" "When Gary Neville came along, it was pretty much the end." "And so, for right back in this team of soccer stooges, it's got to be Warren Dean Barton." "One riot, one disastrous 90 minutes, and one sub appearance of 40 seconds suggests you might not have been England standard." "Nice hair, though." "Over the years the England squad have produced some lyrical miracles." "# This time, more than any other time, this time... #" "There's not a more inspiring sight than our boys singing together." "# We're going all the way... #" "Oh, doesn't it make you proud?" "# Back home, they'll be thinking about us" "# When we are far away... #" "It's when we start harmonising we've got a problem." "What the Bally hell is going on here?" "# What would you do if I sang out of tune?" "# Would you stand up and walk out on me...?" "#" "I might do." "He's a bit good!" "# You're out your mind... #" "Sorry, Ian." "This is just wrong, wrong, wrong." "# You have the strength Do the right thing. #" "# Andy Cole, break it down!" "# Can I kick it?" "Yes, you can... #" "What the hell is this?" "# Sharp like a razor, speed to amaze ya" "# Did you like Ali did Joe Frazier... #" "# Can't explain, so afraid... #" "Worryingly, I think Glenn Hoddle is taking this seriously." "# Darling I love you!" "#" "And what do you think of all these efforts, Andrew?" "Outstanding!" "Right, back to the football." "So far, on England's worst-ever football team, we've got Warren Barton at right back and big John Fashanu up front." "But this team is going to need a goalkeeper." "The captain..." "Back in 1966, England had this man in goal, the Banks of England." "Undoubtedly the greatest keeper of his generation." "Pele!" "What a save!" "Gordon Banks!" "It's a fact, you won't win a World Cup without a great goalkeeper." "So who's going to be between the posts for our humble side?" "Watch out." "Bobble?" "Oh, Robinson!" "I'm sorry." "Someone will have to tell me how that's his fault." "How is that his fault?" "What, is he supposed to second-guess a bobble?" "How is Paul Robinson at fault for that goal?" "A bobble is a bobble." "That's it." "What's the point of saving the ball when you can't kick it?" "Paul Robinson's post-bobble wobbles effectively led to this - the poisoning of the well of English goalkeeping talent." "# I'm going to rain on your parade... #" "Before that point Scott Carson had never looked too dodgy and then he comes in and he does it." "And all of a sudden we've got no-one we can trust any more." "Cheers, Paul, your bobble issues may be in the past, but we're an unforgiving bunch." "But will that be enough to have him in goal for our worst-ever team?" "Well, not if this surprise candidate can convince us otherwise." "You are my sporting hero icon of the '90s." "You are." "# Hey, country boy... #" "So far, so legend." "So why are we even considering this man as goalkeeper for our Worst XI?" "Yeah, of course." "This is why." "Oh and Seaman's been beaten!" "It's a goal!" "It's Ronaldinho!" "The image of him running backwards, and his ponytail bobbling as he went, bing-bong, bing-bong, any goalkeeper would look slightly ludicrous." "That will live with him forever, I would imagine." "I think what we're doing is, are we going to judge fantastic goalkeepers by one mistake?" "That's, you know, you have to keep a sense of perspective." "But, Stephen, take a look at this." "David Seaman has previous." "Whether David deserves to be blamed for our World Cup exit is a matter of debate." "However, some of Seamen's crimes are truly indefensible." "Exhibit A, my lord." "Apparently this is a genuine artefact from the National Football Museum in Preston." "And I think it's authentic because it smells of Old Spice and hotpot." "Just because a man has a funny face and a moustache, and a bit of long hair, doesn't make him a bad keeper." "While Paul Robinson and his bobble make a strong case for being our goalkeeper," "David Seaman's good surely outweighs his bad." "Can we say the same about this chap?" "David Benjamin James." "A goalkeeper who doesn't even need eyes." "Go on!" "CHEERING" "CHEERING" "When you look at David James, he's got everything." "Fantastic physique for a goalkeeper, great, big long arms, makes the saves." "That's a brilliant save by David James!" "He has got it in his locker to be awesome." "Sometimes he loses the key." "David James is off-limits and England are in trouble here." "David James is a lucky man." "His nickname is Calamity James, so there, you've got it on a plate." "Roll up, roll up, then, for the assorted highlights of Calamity James." "Cantona!" "James didn't quite get there." "And it's another howler by David James!" "Maybe David James's problem is that his mind is elsewhere." "He's not your average footballer." "Whisper it softly - he's a thinker, a footballing Renaissance man." "Philosophy." "What caused the Big Bang?" "Where did the universe come from?" "Oh, dear." "Yeah." "He was a clever lad, but strange." "I like the fact that he is considered the intellectual of football." "That is just the best thing!" "Because he writes poetry." "In his time, Jamo has been a model, a DJ, an artist." "When you see some of David James's work, this guy is a true cultural genius." "Ah, And then I forgot I had all the paint on the end of the brush." "It's turning into a comedy show." "Back on Planet Football, and David James is still in the mix to go to South Africa." "You do feel, watching him, he will make one mistake in a game, which is why we all still look at him and think, "Ooh."" "So, which one of these three contenders is going to be in goal for our Worst XI?" "David Seaman, Paul Robinson, or David James?" "Well, it's none, actually." "It's this man." "Peter "The Cat" Bonetti of Chelsea, who found himself entrusted with guarding England's status as World Cup holders against West Germany, after the legendary Gordon Banks came down with a bout of food poisoning." "And, with England racing into a 2-0 lead," "Peter Bonetti was having a stormer, dealing with everything." "Chance for Germany!" "Well, Banks got the OBE, Bonetti will be knighted." "No he won't." "This is a programme called" "England's Worst-Ever Football Team." "Here comes disaster." "# I'm going down in a blaze of glory... #" "Good goal by Beckenbauer." "Really now under terrible pressure." "Seeler..." "A goal!" "A good ball." "Muller!" "Bonetti off the line and hopelessly beaten." "And so, from England going into the World Cup as world champions, they exited, not to be seen at a World Cup for another 12 years." "So, sorry, Peter, we are blaming you." "It's a cruel world but for losing the World Cup were putting you in goal for England's worst-ever football team." "With goalkeeper, right back and striker in position, it's time to start thinking about a leader of men." "To be captain means leading by example both on and off the pitch and once upon a time England's captain was this man" " Bobby Moore." "Good tackle by Moore." "To this day, he remains England's ultimate football icon, which obviously rules him out of captaining our team of footballing flops." "But there is only one man who can captain the worst England team ever." "John Terry coming in...!" "CHEERING" "Why, if it's not John George Terry!" "# Chelsea, Chelsea... #" "Amazing clearance by John Terry." "When David Beckham stepped down as England captain, surely there was only one possible candidate to take over." "And Terry goes in bravely." "John Terry, the guy who puts his head on the end of a boot for 90 minutes, gets up and then finds that the other fella's broken his ankle kicking him in the head." "That's what English people want to see in terms of a defender." "Yes, that's exactly what we wanted to see." "A big man at the back who wasn't afraid to put it about a bit." "MUSIC: "You Give Love A Bad Name" by Bon Jovi" "Oh, John." "He's your mate!" "And the Daddies Sauce Dad Of The Year 2009." "# Shot through the heart, and you're to blame... #" "This isn't the behaviour of an England captain, is it?" "JT's bedding of French underwear model Veronica Perroncel was a bridge too far for Wayne Bridge." "#.." "You give love a bad name. #" "That's like an unwritten rule - best friends, ex-girlfriends..." "You can't go there." "How do you expect me to play with a good mate of mine after I know he's just pulled my bird?" "Yes, captain of our team of rogues - John Terry." "Despite his prowess on the pitch, his off-field crimes and misdemeanours make him the perfect captain for England's worst ever football team." "And from those unsavoury goings on, we move to the contentious area of England's right wing where things have been known to get ugly." "This is what they do to protect the Nazis!" "So, let's instead discuss England's right side of midfield." "From World Cup winner Alan Ball to football's first superstar" "Stanley Matthews, it's consistently been a home for heroes." "But who's going to fill the berth for our Worst XI?" "Unbelievably, someone's just passed me a piece of paper telling me that" "David Beckham is up for consideration for this team." "What the...?" "How many World Cups has he won?" "That David Beckham geezer?" "How many World Cup medals?" "How many World Cup winner medals and European Cup winner medals - how many does he have?" "None, the last time I counted." "Ladies and gentlemen, you are now about to enter into a parallel universe where David Beckham's England career is one disaster after another." "Remember this?" "And a red card for David Beckham!" "Yes." "This sending-off against Argentina made Becks public enemy number one." "He's been told to control his temper, keep his mouth shut." "What does he do?" "It was hard to be Beckham then." "You didn't even want to be called David!" "In the next World Cup, Becks didn't cover himself in glory either." "Witness the quarterfinal against Brazil." "Jumping out of that tackle." "Our national psyche does not admit the possibility that our midfielders back out of challenges with Latin Americans." "He's equalised!" "And he's been known to sky the odd penalty or two." "He's put it miles over the bar." "However, the story of English football over the last 12 years is the story of David Beckham." "And although there have been lows - when there WERE highs it was inevitably David Robert Joseph Beckham leading the charge." "When we did win, he basically carried the team." "He's been a wonderful servant to England." "Still Beckham..." "Beckham..." "Yes!" "Yes!" "He's done it!" "David Beckham!" "Fantastic!" "Becks's injury means he won't be playing in South Africa." "He IS going as a coach, though." "But whether you thought he was the greatest or just a good footballer, he was leagues ahead of some of the other right midfield misfits." "And that alone means he'll never feature in this team." "Oi, Dyer!" "You're on, son." "Kieron Dyer..." "Some people get one chance to shine for England, and either take it or disappear back from whence they came." "Others get 33 chances to make it." "Kieron Dyer - he's 'avin' a laugh." "# He does nothing, the boy does nothing!" "#" "He's a player who's relentlessly had injury problems..." "I always think it's hard to blame a player for having injuries, because you know, at the end of the day, it's not their fault, and it's tough for them." "Fair enough." "You can't blame a man for being injured." "But where Kieron truly excelled was being a poster boy for young, rich footballers with a little too much time on their hands." "MUSIC:" ""Work" by Kelly Rowland" "Here's Kieron shopping for a new motor." "I did have a Ferrari, and I had an unfortunate little crash in it." "And my oh my, that is a lovely wristwatch." "Yeah, yeah." "It's diamonds on the side, yeah." "Sapphires as the numbers." "Kieron Courtney Dyer." "You've been unlucky with the injuries - but no goals in 33 games might see you fill the right midfield berth in England's worst-ever football team." "Unless this man, Anthony Mark "Tony" Daley, aka Tony Mark Daley, has something to say about it." "Tony Daley was one of these players that on his day, looked sensational." "Amazing pace, even more amazing haircuts..." "I love people with beautiful hair." "And Tony Daley had beautiful hair." "MUSIC: "Killer" by Adamski" "As a player I just remember him charging down the wing, really." "Daley..." "And he just used to run." "He just used to run, that's all he used to do!" "He was quick, but he couldn't cross." "Perfect." "Perfect international." "But as the old joke goes, if the Romans had made crosses that bad," "Christianity would never have got started." "Tony Daley was never to play again in an England shirt post-Euro 92." "But is he the right man for the right midfield in this team?" "Well, no." "Because in our minds, it's got to be Kieron Dyer." "A combination of 33 appearances and no goals, coupled with our own personal aversion to overpaid Premiership footballers, sees Kieron take his place on our right side of midfield." "While we may have been short of football heroes over the last 44 years, we've never been short of HAIRY heroes." "MUSIC:" ""Aquarius" from the musical Hair" "But who's top of the crops?" "It's this man." "Christopher Roland Waddle." "BECK: # Got a devil's haircut in my mind... #" "Whose hair alone nearly landed him a place on our worst team ever - except he could do things like this..." "That's a great goal by Chris Waddle." "Oh, that's a lovely goal by Waddle!" "He can put that in his collection all right." "Mind the hair, boys..." "So far then, we've luxuriated in the lustrous locks of some of England's finest, as well as being subjected to their cringe-inducing musical efforts - and oh, my word, do we have to talk again about some of the football?" "Well, yes - but as ever, it's not just on the pitch where we'll be looking for England's worst-ever football team." "Some can be found behind bars... at the bar... and in the bath." "But on with our team selection." "We've already plumped for Warren Barton at right back." "Who's going to be this terrible team's left back?" "H's probably been booed by his own fans more than most." "BOOS" "Why are we booing this man?" "He's in an England shirt." "What gives?" "MUSIC:" ""Rude Boy" by Rihanna" "His book, when he moaned about only being offered 50 grand a week by Arsenal..." "Never goes down well." "Yes, in an era of players earning vast sums of cash, what the average football fan didn't want to hear was Ashley crying over the injustice of only being offered 55 grand a week to stay with Arsenal." "Then of course, he married Queen of our Hearts Cheryl Cole, and messed her about." "Also unforgivable." "MUSIC:" ""Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga" "If we were having The Worst People Who Treated Their Lovely Wives With Contempt, then he would be captain of that team." "But he's still not as bad as John Terry!" "However, we'll not be putting Ashley alongside John Terry in THIS team." "Because despite all the off-field shenanigans" " ON the pitch, the boy can play a bit." "One of the best left backs I've ever seen." "Terrific defending here by Ashley Cole, he definitely gets something on this..." "So, Ashley "Cashley" Cole is obviously nowhere near being left back for the worst team ever - but who is?" "See, I like ketchup." "But I wouldn't take ketchup to a meal of haute cuisine." "Phil Neville..." "Ah, Philip John Neville..." "Neville." "With 59 caps, he's represented his country more than Gazza, Jimmy Greaves and Stanley Matthews." "More caps than Stanley Matthews." "Yeah." "So what's Phil doing anywhere near an England worst-ever football team?" "This is Phil Neville..." "Well, in the eyes of most fans, he's tainted by association." "He's Gary Neville's brother, you know." "It might just be me, but I think he's the good-looking one." "ENRIQUE IGLESIAS:" "# Let me be your hero... #" "But Phil's real problem is being a right-footed utility player playing at left back." "He played for England in a period when the census showed that for about a four-year period, there was no left-footed players in the entire country." "Hey, footballers are meant to be adaptable, are they not?" "Look - after getting beat by Portugal, Neville has learnt the lesson." "You can't concede three goals and expect to win the game, so I think if the situation arose again, I'm sure we'll probably shut up shop." "So, it's 2-2 against Romania, and England are going through." "Let's just shut up shop, then." "Oh, he's given the penalty!" "# I can be your hero, baby... #" "There can be absolutely no complaint..." "The press were in no doubt as to who was to blame." "Talk about pressing the self-destruct button." "Is there any chance of redemption for Phil?" "The one thing that will always be in his favour in all of our hearts and minds is, at least he's not GARY Neville." "But unfortunately, Phil, that distinction is not enough." "And for right-footed services to the left back berth - take your place among your fellow maligned in England's worst-ever football team." "Our mission takes us next to centre midfield." "And in 1966, England had this man, Bobby Charlton - who was capable of doing this." "Ensuring exclusion from our ghastly gang." "So, who is going to helm centre midfield for our worst XI?" "Depending on whatever tickles your fancy, this man's name should either save him, or condemn him to be on England's worst-ever football team " "Seth Art Maurice Johnson." "Art Maurice...?" "That's awesome." "And here he is signing for Leeds for £7.5 million in 2001, with his only England cap already behind him." "I can't sum up his England career, cos I don't really remember it." "Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Joseph Anthony Barton, or Joey to his friends, of which there aren't many." "You can say, off the field Joey Barton's not had the best of times." "But..." "MOBILE RINGS" "That might be him now - he might come and knock me out!" "The footballer Joey Barton has been given a four-month suspended prison sentence after admitting assaulting a former Manchester City team -mate." "The Newcastle United midfielder is already in jail for a vicious attack on a man during a night out in Liverpool last Christmas." "SKEPTA: # That's why they call me a bad boy... #" "It's fair to say that Joey is trouble, and that might make him the perfect candidate for the central midfield berth in our worst team ever." "But Joey's rep goes before him." "Even his own fans don't like him." "I would give him away on a free transfer." "Should get rid of him for his attitude." "No, I think they should keep him." "I'd never say he's just a thug, because there is a lot more about him, but I do think that that is something that has tarnished his football career." "So what of Joey's 12-minute career in an England shirt?" "Well, he made a mark..." "MUSIC: "Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood  The Destroyers" "One or two of the Spaniards aren't happy about that challenge..." "If you were putting together an England team of waifs, strays and rapscallions, Joey Barton's got to be in there somewhere." "We wholeheartedly agree." "Joey Anthony Barton, come and take your place in the centre of midfield of England's worst-ever football team." "Opponents, be afraid." "Be very afraid." "Talking of trouble, let's have a look at a five-a-side team made up of some other bad boys." "Glen McLeod Cooper Johnson was fined £80 for attempting to steal a toilet seat back in 2007." "Peter Edwin Storey, after 19 caps for his country, did time for attempting to import dirty videos." "After a boozy West Ham Christmas party, Trevor Lloyd Sinclair was arrested after running about and jumping on a stranger's car." "Former captain John Terry was fined £60 for parking in a disabled space in his £100,000 Bentley." "And finally, Stanley Victor Collymore was busted doing some dogging in a car park in 2004." "DOG BARKS" "What a rum bunch indeed, and what a rum bunch we have so far representing England's worst-ever football team." "There's still some places up for grabs, but let's just recap on who's made the grade." "At centre back and captain, for those off-field antics, it's John George Terry." "Up front, it's gladiator Fashanu." "In goal, it's the Cat - Peter Bonetti." "At right back, it's the elegantly coiffeured Warren Barton." "In right midfield is No Goals Kieron." "Helming left back, it's everyone's favourite brother, Phil Neville." "And not so safely behind bars - in central midfield, it's Joey Barton." "But we must press on, and deal with a uniquely modern phenomenon." "A freakish occurrence in international football." "Oh, dear." "It's time to deal with the left-sided problem." "If you are English and left-footed, and have played once or twice in the Premier League and you haven't played for England, you've got to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask "Do I need a change of career?"" "Who's going to join our rubbish rabble, and take the position of left midfield?" "We've not been able to come up with massively talented left wingers since what..." "Chris Waddle?" "Oh" " Waddle." "Can he square it for Lineker...?" "Oh, and the rebound off the post!" "Yep - since Chris Waddle nearly put England into the World Cup final, the left side of midfield has been the Achilles heel of many an England side." "So, let's pause awhile to reflect on those players who have been entrusted on the left." "In no particular order, we've had Andy Sinton, Trevor Sinclair," "Dennis Wise," "Rob Lee," "Nick Barmby, Darren Anderton..." "Oh, unlucky!" "..Steve Guppy and Jason Wilcox." "And most recently, Stewart Downing." "It's possible to make a case for all of these brave lads to be on England's worst-ever football team - especially when they're up against a man who can do this." "Stephen Brian Hodge, a rare example of an Englishman winning at the World Cup." "Good luck, all of you." "Well, the Derby, anyway." "Go on!" "Yeah!" "Get in there!" "Four years prior to this winning moment, Steve Hodge assisted another winner on the road to glory, proving himself to be one of the few Englishmen on the same wavelength as genius." "Maradona just walked away from Hoddle then..." "That's a left-foot assist." "Pinpoint." "A one-two with Diego Maradona!" "And Maradona gives Argentina the lead..." "A lot of the players must be very disappointed that the winning margin is a very controversial first goal from Maradona." "We all thought it was handball." "It looked obvious to us." "And the first goal in any game is crucial." "It gives them the edge." "It was his botched clearance that led to the Hand of God." "He ran on to the ball that was knocked on by the foot of Hodge." "It was his HAND he used." "There can be no question - it was handball." "Not only did Hodge assist the crime, he profited from it." "It's well-known that in 1966, Sir Alf Ramsey wouldn't let his brave boys swap shirts with the cheating Argies." "MUSIC: "In For The Kill" by La Roux" "Hodgey had no such qualms - swapping shirts with the cheap Diego, and then going on to write a book about it." "What would that book be about?" "That's a whole book about a botched clearance." "I don't know if I'd want to read that." "The fact is, if he hadn't botched that clearance, we wouldn't remember him." "Steve Hodge - we always remember what HE did." "Oh, we remember." "And so it's you, Steve - you're the man on the left side for England's worst-ever football team." "OK." "For the aiding and abetting of an Argentinian swindler, it has to be you." "Now, who's going to be our second mindless central midfielder?" "Ask anyone who should be playing centre midfield in England's worst-ever football team, and there is a fair chance they will say Carlton Lloyd Palmer." "He's the only player I ever watched who ran with the ball two foot behind him." "Never in his career was he ever really in control of the ball." "Dorigo plays it inside to Palmer..." "Overran it." "He just didn't look right on the field." "He had this lanky, gormless gait about him." "Carlton Palmer is six feet two." "A little under five feet seem to be made up by his legs." "It's staggering now to think that Carlton Palmer won so many caps." "Palmer...!" "Oh, he did." "18 of them, and all under the watchful eye of Graham Taylor." "Carlton!" "Even when Carlton was getting it right, he was still copping it - even from his greatest fan." "Palmer's coming in...!" "What was he doing in the BLEEP box?" "Didn't we tell him to hold the middle of the pitch?" "He was like, you know, a fetcher and a carrier." "Completely nuts as well, but a nice nuts." "But for some, Carlton Palmer is the stuff of nightmares." "Isn't this nice?" "Just you and Carlton Palmer having a bath." "Sssh!" "That other footballing nightmare Joey Barton is already in the centre of midfield - but who's going to join him out of Carlton Lloyd Palmer, Carlton Lloyd Palmer or Carlton Lloyd Palmer?" "Carlton!" "Sorry, Carlton - it wasn't even worth having the debate." "However, we salute your indefatigability." "But we do condemn you for crimes in an England shirt." "Right, we're back in the heart of the defence." "We've already got John Terry as captain, but who's going to be playing at centre back alongside him?" "Who are you talking about next?" "I wonder who we're talking about next." "Who are we talking about next?" "Gareth Southgate..." "WHISTLE BLOWS" "Oh, no!" "Yep - we're talking about Gareth No-middle-name Southgate." "Capped 57 times for his country, but forever remembered for wearing a grey kit and missing THIS penalty." "MUSIC: "Tragedy" by Steps" "Fair play to Southgate for stepping up and taking one, but I think we all knew as he went up that he was unlikely to put it away." "We don't blame you for this, Gareth." "It's penalties, it's a lottery, it could happen to anyone." "So why IS Gareth Southgate anywhere near England's Worst XI?" "When he missed his penalty, I thought, "Tell you what," ""he should do an advert, he should."" "And then, shortly afterwards, he did." "I wouldn't MISS this for the world." "Thank you..." "MISS." "And in this dire but admittedly self-deprecating advertisement, we see Gareth and fellow penalty-miss villains" "Stuart Pearce and Chris Waddle wantonly make light, and money, from the nation's collective post-tournament exit trauma." "Thanks a lot, boys, I feel much better now." "We're all still really upset, and you all get a mattress full of cash underneath it." "Great." "I love things like that." "People expect him to say," ""No - you shouldn't be making money out of mistakes." Good luck to him." "For riffing on our penalty pain, Gareth, you might still gain entry to our hall of shame." "As might this man..." "..who could have been partnering Tony Adams at the heart of England's defence at Euro 96." "He could head it." "He could slide tackle." "He could hoof it." "Oh - and he could also do this." "Gareth - this is how you score a penalty against the Germans, me old son." "Prayers being offered..." "Oh!" "What arrogance, what impudence!" "What a delightful goal." "So, let's pause awhile to consider the England career of Neil "Razor" Ruddock." "Let's talk about you." "Yes." "How long have we got?" "During the build-up to Euro 96, Neil "Razor" Ruddock earned his one and only England call-up." "Neil Ruddock of Liverpool flexes his considerable muscle at full international level for the first time..." "And Razor's 90 minutes in an England shirt embodied everything about Razor as a player." "And there is Ruddock..." "The goalkeeper came to meet Neil Ruddock, and the referee stopped the game." "He was a big, strong lad." "You knew you were in for a proper game when he played it." "That was Neil Ruddock on his way back who committed the foul." "Neil Ruddock, beyond being a bit of a hard man, a bit of a wide boy, actually could play a bit." "A long ball from Ruddock..." "Nearly got away there." "OK - so he could play a bit." "So why did he only get one cap?" "Cheers, lads!" "I don't think "Razor" Ruddock would kind of hold back when it came to Christmas and any kind of party or birthday or Bar Mitzvah - or any reason to drink, probably." "But ultimately, we remember Razor for not making the Euro 96 squad." "He was injured - and the rest, as they say, is history." "You remember that night at Wembley, when you came in the dressing room and went "Kid, this ain't your night." "I'm going with Southgate."" "I could have scored that penalty." "It was down to you, Tel." "I mean, it was down to you." "OK, Razor - your heartfelt emotion might have saved you from joining our footballing flops, which is potentially bad news for our next candidate." "Who is this man?" "No, not Platty." "THIS man." "With Lee Dixon and Paul Parker both injured, Graham Taylor decided to bring Keith Curle to Euro 92, and play the pacy centre back at right back." "Guess how THAT turned out(?" ")" "JLS: # You only get one shot... #" "Still Curle... #.. so make it count" "# You might never get this moment again... #" "It was well spotted by Curle..." "Just held on to him to stop him getting away." "#..so tell me what it is that's stopping you now... #" "Not easy for Keith Curle..." "Keith Curle has pulled Henryk Andersen back by the shirt..." "Curle gets the yellow card." "His three England caps - I think when he looks at it now, he'll go, "I probably nicked those, actually."" "Keith Curle was never to play for England again." "However, his final pitiful performance against Denmark sees him blow away rivals" "Ruddock and Southgate, ensuring inclusion alongside John Terry in the heart of our defence." "So far we already have John Fashanu up front for England's worst-ever football team." "But the big man can't be rubbish up there all on his own." "We're going to have to find him another inept, to help our team fire blanks." "It's time for a bit of British bulldog." "Emile William Ivanhoe Heskey." "Emile Heskey - he's a reliable player." "You stick him on the pitch, and you know he's not going to score." "Getting on the inside of Laursen, Emile Heskey for England..." "Yes, Emile Heskey has played 57 times for England and scored seven goals." "As a numbers girl I love statistics." "One goal every eight games - as a striker?" "!" "I mean, why is he still playing?" "What other striker in the world do you know who doesn't score goals?" "And Heskey falls over." "No challenge needed." "In terms of conversions, he doesn't score that many." "In terms of assists, and overall holding the ball up - that's great." "Heskey." "Heads it down" " Owen again..." "And England have gone into a 3-1 lead here in Munich!" "The rest of the team will score more goals, because of" "Emile Heskey's unselfish, intuitive, amazing commitment to his country." "That sounded like I was being sarcastic, but I'm not." "Emile Heskey will be at the World Cup, but will he make the worst team ever?" "Well, it'll be a tall order to beat this chap." "He's been compared to a giraffe... .. an ostrich..." ".. a baby deer..." "They should just make him a kit that fits." "Here's a man it's hard to dislike - Peter James Crouch, the most fleet-footed striker of his generation." "He's the tallest man ever to play for England." "THE KILLERS: # Are we human?" "# Or are we dancer?" "#" "That one he does - the weird robot dance..." "I like the robot man." "I like the guy." "Ha-ha, look at the big man dance, he looks funny...!" "Many people are of the opinion - not me - that Crouchy not only plays above himself ON the pitch, but off it as well, scoring with the diminutive but gorgeous Abbey Clancy." "So maybe it is - maybe it's cos he's a funny bloke and a nice chap, rather than someone who looks like Ashley Cole but is a bit of a creep." "Enough of this tittle-tattle." "What's Crouchy like on the pitch?" "Does he deserve to be on England's worst-ever football team or not?" "It's difficult to get a measure of the big man, as for every moment like this..." "Peter Crouch!" "It's in!" "..there's a moment like this." "Oh, dear." "Can't do the dance now, Peter." "Crouch has a fantastic record, mostly against minnows at international level - the problem is that he hasn't really done it against a top side when playing for England." "We only ever beat the lesser nations anyway." "Bring on the lesser nations, and let's get the big guy out there." "For our worst-ever team we definitely want a big man up front, but with that scoring record it's not going to be Crouchy." "Maybe it's this mystery man." "Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me..." "Oh, black guy..." "Bolton, Bolton." "HE SNEEZES Michael Ricketts." "Bless you, Steve." "Yes, indeed, it's Michael Barrington Ricketts, and he played for England in the not so recent past - once." "Michael Ricketts did get an England cap." "A funny thing to think." "But at the time it did have a certain logic to it." "One of the most in-form strikers in the Premier League." "Ricketts continues to run away..." "and he scores!" "Hold up." "He's far too good for England's worst team ever." "Call him up for the England team proper." "He was kind of scoring that many goals, you thought, give him a go." "Those of us who thought "Give him a go" were wrong." "Hold tight." "Let's just sit back and watch the selected highlights of Michael Barrington Ricketts in an England shirt." "It was a surprise that he got called up - but it wasn't a surprise when he didn't get called back." "Michael who?" "So, who's going to partner John Fash up front?" "Will it be Michael Ricketts, Peter Crouch or Emile Heskey?" ""Bring back Ricketts"?" "Doesn't sound right, they've only just cured it." "Tell you what - Fashanu and Ricketts together." "God, that's frightening, isn't it?" "Michael Ricketts." "Your country called, and you answered." "Your country rejected you, and you went away." "Now let us call you back again." "This time to play up front in England's worst-ever football team." "We said it wouldn't be pretty, and as you can see, this team would strike fear into the heart of all English fans." "But before they line up for the national anthem, there is the stark realisation that this team is going to need a manager." "THEY CHANT:" "We want Taylor out!" "We have trawled through the past and searched for the worst manager, but ultimately, there is only one man for the job." "HUSKILY: # I was born" "# Under a wand'rin' star... #" "Yes, it's Kevin Keegan." "The perfect man to motivate England with his unique one-to-one management skills." "Not too good that time, Winnie," "I've seen you do better." "Try and head it down if you can." "That's better, that's better." "But is this enough to cut it at international level?" "All you've got to do is be tactically sound." "And there we have it." "DUFFY: # I'm gonna rain on your parade... #" "Oh, dear." "It's the last-ever game at the old Wembley, and Keegan's England crash to a 1-0 defeat against the old enemy, Germany." "Prompting Keegan to have a look in the mirror." "In Keegan's case, he brilliantly admitted in the tunnel at Wembley that he wasn't up to the job." "The truth is, Kevin Keegan's just a little bit short for this job, and the one person who really knows that is Kevin Keegan." "It's almost as though he decides, "This is it, I've had enough" ""and I'm off now," ""and BLEEP to the lot of you all."" "# Heaven is goodbye forever, it's time for me to go. #" "Kevin Keagan statistically was the worst-ever England manager." "Hold up, news just in - Keegan's accepted the post!" "And now he's just quit, forcing us to plump for our second choice, and everyone else's, Steve McClaren." "To manage my country is the greatest honour I think anybody can bestow on anyone." "So I'm very, very proud." "He was doomed before he even started." "The problem was that he was still part of the Eriksson setup." "He was still very much the players' friend - this whole matey Becks, Lamps, Stevie G..." ""Oh Stevie, come here, give us a play fight."" "But aside from being bezzie mates with all the boys," "Steve McClaren will be forever remembered for one thing." "Steve McClaren is seen as the wally with the brolly." "RIHANNA: # You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella" "# Ay, ay, ay... #" "He's a good enough manager, you see that with what he's doing in the Dutch league." "It's just unrealistic expectation on the side of the England supporters." "Wrong man, wrong time, wrong job, wrong sport." "Yep - for cowering under the brolly, Steve is confirmed as manager for England's worst-ever football team." "It's been 60 minutes of sheer hell, with football to make your eyes bleed, or at least shed a tear." "But now it's time to introduce the world to the footballing farce that is England's worst-ever football team." "The captain, John Terry." "In goal, Peter Bonetti." "At left back, Phil Neville." "Centre back, Keith Curle." "Left midfield, Steve Hodge." "Right midfield, Kieron Dyer." "Anchoring midfield, it's Carlton Palmer, who's partnered by Joey Barton." "At right back, it's Warren Barton." "No relation." "And up front, it's Michael Ricketts, with John Fashanu." "And of course, the manager - Steve McClaren." "With 209 caps and a mere nine goals between them - six of them" "John Terry's - they're uniquely ill-equipped to take on the world." "They think it's all over..." "Thank God it is now." "WHITNEY ELIZABETH HOUSTON:" "# Didn't we almost have it all?" "# When love was all we had worth giving?" "# The ride with you was worth the fall, my friend" "# Loving you makes life worth living... #" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"