"(# Schubert:" "Trout Quintet)" "What about Tuesday?" "Can you do the 11 o'clock Mass?" "Ted, I'll do the 11 and the 12, you should have a rest after that weekend away." "Well, Paris does tend to take it out of me." "I'm off for a game." "Ted, care to join me?" "No, thanks, Darren." "What time are we going to the races?" "I suppose after lunch." "Oh, and Mrs Dunne hopes you like pheasant." "I love pheasant." "This is what it's all about." "Fine port, beautiful surroundings... and intelligent company." "Did you not have all that at your last parish?" "No." "Dublin seems to suit you, though." "You've got a new-found gleam in your eye." "Yes, I'll be staying here a while, as long as I don't mess it up by doing something stupid." "Most of these accounts seem in order, Father Smith, but could I ask Father Crilly about one or two of these things he's put down under "expenses"?" "TED!" "(Helicopter)" "(Squeaking and whirring)" "What is making that incredibly annoying noise?" "Ronaldo." "I was lonely without you, Ted, so I got a hamster instead." "Yes, but does he ever stop running in that fecking wheel?" "No, he's had to use it ever since he rode this into his feed tray." "Don't worry, I think there's just something wrong with the brakes." "How long has Father Jack been living in there?" "He started just a few days after you left." "Maybe he's agoraphobic." "Jack scared of fighting?" "I don't think so, Ted." "(Rumbling)" "(Screaming)" "Mrs Doyle just fell off the roof." "I think I'll go and visit Father Fitzpatrick." "I think he has a book belonging to me." "Let's see now, Humanae Vitae." "You know, sometimes I leaf through this to see just how far we've come." "Celebration Of The Christian Mystery, Daeus Canida, Ventra Mepolo..." "Ah, Stephen King's The Shining." "Well, thanks for the tea, Father." "See you the next time we, um..." "We, uh..." "Sorry, Father, I hope you don't mind me asking but... what have you got a padlock on that door for?" "Is there something top secret?" " My collection." " Yes!" "That's right." " What is it?" "War memorabilia?" " That's right." "Like a look?" "I'd love to." "Taken from the German advance on Russia." "You can see where the hammer hits the shell casing." "Gosh, that's interesting." "Uh, these are helmets, mostly infantry." "Yes, these would be German as well?" "That's right." "Nothing from the Allied side?" "No, that sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all." "(Ted) Right." "That's my curiosity satisfied." "And this is the last photograph taken of Herr Hitler." "He's signing a few death warrants." "Funny, how you get more right wing as you get older." "Right, well..." "Great, this is all wonderful stuff." "Some people aren't too sure but you seem genuinely interested." "Oh, I am... genuinely interested." " Ahh!" "Was ist das?" "!" " What are you doing here?" "!" "I told you!" "No sleeping here." "This is an old friend, Ted." "See you." "(Man) # Deutschland, Deutschland über alles... #" "(Chimes)" "Feck!" " (Chimes)" " Arse!" " (Chimes)" " Drink!" "Ted, the table's so dirty I can write me name in it." "There's a "G" in Dougal." "Where?" "Right, that's it." "I'm fed up living in filth." "We'll just have to clean this place." "And what if anyone saw that hole in your tank top?" "Where, Ted?" "Ah, God, would you look at that!" "And this here." "A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window." "How could you get a perfectly square bit of black dirt on a window?" "Mrs Doyle can't do any cleaning since she fell off the roof." "(Screaming)" "See?" "She can't keep her balance at all." "That's it, then, I'll just have to say it." "We'll have to clean this place ourselves." "What?" " Are you with me, Dougal?" " Well, yeah." "Right, let's go!" "Let's clean this mother!" "Yeah!" "Ted, I could pick up that broken bit of lamp." "Good idea." "Wow." "I'm bored now." "Yeah." "Dougal, look." "Ohh!" "Ho-ohh!" "I am Chinese if you please!" "Come on, Dougal, lighten up." "Uhh..." "Wh..." "Wh..." "Who..." "Dougal, there were Chinese people there!" "Oh, right, yeah." "But they..." "I mean..." "What is..." "I mean..." "That's the Yin family, they live in Chinatown." "Chinatown?" "There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island?" "I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was a Chinaman there to see." "Why not, Ted?" "(Whispers) Because..." "because it's racist." "They'll think I'm a racist." "I'll have to explain I'm not a racist." "If I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time, I get "Fat Eyes"." " (Revs engine)" " Ahh!" "It's nothing of a racial nature!" "Thanks for being so understanding!" "Right, that's that." "Oh, that's that, all right." "What's that?" "I ordered some new stuff for the house, get rid of this old tat." "Dougal, you don't think I upset those Chinese people?" "I don't know." "It was like when you did that impression of Stephen Hawking." "He was the last person you'd expect to turn up." "That was a million to one shot." "God, he can move in that wheelchair when he's angry." "Don't worry about it, Ted." "Did you phone Habitat?" "No, Habit Hat." "Like Habitat it sells soft furnishings but also priest clothes." "Does it not get confused with Habitat?" "No, that's never happened, except when you just did it." "Anyway, what else did you order?" "Priest's socks, really black ones." "I read in an article about priest's socks that priest's socks are blacker than any other socks." "That's right." "Sometimes you see lay people wearing apparently black socks but if you look closely, they're really very, very, very, very dark blue." "That's true." "I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, dark blue." "Never buy black socks in a normal shop." "They'll shaft you every time." "(Man) Hello there, Father!" "Hello, Colm." " Out and about?" " I am." "Same as yourself." "Good, good." "I hear you're a racist now, Father." "What?" "How did you get interested in that?" " Who said I'm a racist?" " Everyone's saying it, Father." "Should we all be racists?" "What's the official line the Church is taking?" "No, no..." "Only the farm takes up most of the day and at night I just like a cup of tea." "I might not be able to devote myself full time to the old racism." " Good for you, Father!" " What?" "Oh, Mrs Carberry." "Good for you!" "Someone had the guts to stand up to them at last!" "Coming over here, taking our jobs and our women and acting like they own the fecking place!" "Well done, Father!" "Good for you!" "Good for you!" "I'd like to fecking..." " Fecking Greeks!" " It's the Chinese he's after!" "I'm not after the Chinese!" "I don't care as long as I can have a go at the Greeks!" "They invented gayness!" "Look, we're not having a go at anybody!" "I'm not a racist, all right?" "!" "God." "Feckin' Greeks!" " How's Mary?" " Fine." "She got that job." "Great!" "(Man) Racist!" "(Irish music playing, chatter)" "(Silence)" "(Rings)" " Hello?" " Hello." "Is that the Yin dynasty..." "Family!" "Is that the Yin family?" " This is Sean Yin." " Hello, it's Father Ted Crilly here." "I think I owe you an apology." "(Bell tinkling, tyres screech)" "Right, see you in a while." "Dougal, everything's cleared up." "They're coming straight round." "I'll stop people saying I'm a racist." "It's great, nothing can go wrong." "Fantastic." "So the story is you're not a racist." "Yes." "What?" "No, it's not a story." "I am not a racist." "Tea, everyone." "Father Crilly, I hear you're a racist." "No, Mrs Doyle, he's not a racist." "I am not!" "I am not a racist!" "Mrs Doyle, you can't go on like this." " I'm going to try something." " No!" " Don't worry." " Oh, no... no!" " No, no!" " Just relax." "No... (Screams)" "Ohh..." "Oh, yes, that's much better." " Are you sure?" "You look..." " Oh, yes, yes, yes!" "This is great." "I'll be fine now, Father." "NO!" "Seriously, Father, I feel 20 years younger." "Ted, the Chinese are coming." "Oh, where are they?" "Feck it, this big mark's still on the window." "Never mind." "Hello!" "Hello!" "Why do we have to talk to this fascist?" "Come on now, it may have just been..." "Where are they going?" "I invite them here and they don't let me tell them my side of the story!" "(Inaudible)" "This is terrible, people think I'm a Nazi racist and I'm not!" "What can I do?" "Ted, here's an idea right off the top of my head." "I haven't thought it through but what the hell," "I'll just talk and see what comes out." "Anyway..." "Have a special event celebrating Craggy Island's different cultures and then people won't think you're a big racist." " My God..." " What?" " That's a good idea." " No, it isn't." "It is, Dougal, it is!" "No, there's probably something wrong with it." "Think it through." "No, Dougal, you've had a brilliant idea." "But break it down for me a bit more." "What would an event celebrating the different cultures be like?" "What?" "What would it involve?" "Celebration, yes, but what form could it take?" "Ted, I want out." " What do you mean?" " I went too far too soon." "I didn't know what I was getting into, Ted." "I didn't know you had to follow up a good idea with loads more." "I'm sorry, Ted, I'm going to sleep in the spare room." " Dougal!" " I'm sorry!" "I've sheltered you for 50 years, you've never even made me tea." "(German accent) You make the tea, I do the washing up." "When did you do the washing up?" "I did it for the whole of 1947!" "And again in 1973." "You liar!" "You broke all the plates and then went," ""I am so tired, I never had to wash up in the Wehrmacht."" " Never!" " I'm going to take a Valium." " Me too." " Why must you ape everything I do?" "Wait!" "These aren't Valium!" "These are the cyanide we kept for emergencies!" "You put cyanide next to the Valium, that's asking for trouble!" " Shut up." " We've only got 15 seconds to live!" " That is just fine by me." " Good." "Fine by me too." " Good, I'm glad it is." " I'm glad you're glad." "Holy Mary Mother of God, Jesus and His Blessed Saints." "Oh, Holy Mary..." "I'm cured!" "What happened, Mrs Doyle?" "I stepped on the hamster's bike and fell down the stairs." "Dougal, I told you to put that away safely." "I did, Ted." "I put it back in the cage." "Oh, no, no." "Don't worry, Father." "It's great, I feel fantastic." "I'd forgotten I can turn my head right around like this!" "That stuff from Habit Hat arrives today so when it comes give Father Jack..." "Where is Jack?" " I think he's up the chimney." " Right..." " Will I burn him out?" " No!" "The smoke would back up, it'd be all over the house." "Anyway, when that stuff comes, put it all up, all the... new rugs... and the things for the chairs and..." "It's your thing really." "I wouldn't know about that because I'm a man." "Anyway, we're off to celebrate Craggy Island's ethnic diversity." "(# Carl Douglas:" "Kung Fu Fighting)" "(Applause)" "Welcome." "Willkommen." "Bienvenu." "It's a great honour and privilege for me to present this celebration of the diverse cultures that exist on Craggy Island." "Namely, Chinese people and people from Craggy Island." "I've prepared a short slide presentation which reflects this multicultural mix." "So, without further ado let's start the show." "He visited the Island a few years ago," "I forget his name now but..." "I got on very well with him." "I just thought I'd throw that in." "Will there be any free drink at this?" "Yes, a limited supply of free drink afterwards." "The Great Wall Of China, a miracle of Chinese engineering." "So big you can see it from anywhere in the world." "Chairman Mao, secretary of the Communist Party of China, the world's biggest Communist party, and in my view, the best." "Mr Miyagi from The Karate Kid." "My favourite film, not because of the Karate Kid, but because of Mr Miyagi." "Every day, I remember some of his many words of wisdom." "Kato!" "Where would he spring from next?" "The Maori." "I'm sorry, I don't know how that got in there." "Of course, there are no Maoris on Craggy Island." "Ming the Merciless." "And best of all, the Chinese people themselves." "Look at them, aren't they great?" "The Chinese." "A great bunch of lads." "I think we've addressed all aspects of Chinese culture and I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight and if you'd like to, we can have a bit of an old chat." "Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap." "But the free drink..." "very much appreciated." "Thank you, Father Crilly." "I just wanted to clear things up." "I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest." "Fascists dress in black and tell people what to do, whereas priests..." " More drink!" " (Cheers)" "Er, anywhere there." "Would you like a cup of tea?" "No, thanks." "I have an allergic reaction to it." "It's very rare." "If I drink tea, there's a 70% chance I'll die." "I'll make you a cup anyway..." "in case you change your mind." "No." "Thanks anyway." "To China!" "(Cheers)" "To Craggy Island!" "(Cheers)" " More drink!" " (Cheers)" "Sorry, the bar's closed." "(Cheers)" "Everyone come back to my place for a drink." "(Cheers)" "I need the toilet first." "(Cheers)" "(Cheers)" "Mrs Doyle, we have guests." "Did that stuff arrive?" "Yes, and I put it all up in less than an hour." " There was this letter." " Letter?" ""Father Crilly, on the instructions" ""of our recently deceased client, Father Seamus Fitzpatrick," ""here are some items he specified you should have" ""in the event of his death."" "(Bell tinkling)" "I can explain everything." "Actually, no, I can't." "(Telephone rings)" " Hello?" " Uh, sorry again... and have you opened that present yet?" "No, looking forward to it though." "A year's supply of whisky!" "How very generous!" "Yes, the problem there is, you see, there's been a change of plan." "(Helicopter)" "(Sheep baaing)" " Hello, Fargo." " Oh, Hud, Giant, hello." "Chris is looking great for the competition." "Thanks, lads." "Father Crilly, hello there!" "Fargo, ha ha." "How's the champ?" "He's great." "A few quid on him, Father?" "I've put the entire annual heating allowance on him." "But what if he doesn't win, Father?" "Well, we won't have any heating... but if it stays as warm as the summer we're laughing!" "But come on, it's Chris - he's the champ!" "Talk about a safe bet!" "Have you heard about this creature going around terrorising sheep on the island?" "No." "Tell me more." "They say it's as big as a jaguar." "The car?" "No, the big cat thing!" "And its face is all teeth, big white teeth as sharp as knives." " Has it killed yet?" " No, but it's only a matter of time." "Hope it doesn't get my sheep." "No man's sheep is safe." "Oh, dear!" "Ohhhh!" "Ohhhh!" "Ohhhh!" "Ohhhh!" "Ohhhh!" "Ohhhh!" "Ohhhh!" " Ohhhh!" " Oohhhhh!" "(Giant) 'Has it killed yet?" "'" "(Hud) 'It's only a matter of time... 'big white teeth as sharp as knives." " 'Ohhhh... ' - (Howl)" "(Silence)" "(Birds singing)" "(Tin cans rattling)" "(Gunfire)" "Dougal, give the album a rest." "Ted, come on, it's brilliant." "I think people will give up pop music and listen to this instead." "What I hear in the charts, I'm not sure if that's not happening already." "What?" "This is so good though, Ted!" "There's all kinds of things." "Like magic I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks." "(Train whistle)" "Or take you on a trip into darkest Africa." "(Toilet flushing)" "Or bring you into a spooky castle on a stormy night." "(Telephone ringing)" "Oooh!" "Whooo!" "Craggy Island parochial house, Father Ted Crilly speaking." " F-F-Father!" " Fargo?" "F-Father, can you come over quick?" "!" "Certainly, Fargo, what's the...?" "(Click and dialling tone)" "I'm going out Dougal, something's up with Fargo." "Mrs Doyle, you look terrible, doesn't she?" "Awful, Ted." "I didn't get much sleep, Father." "I kept thinking I heard this terrible howling noise." " That'd be the beast." " What's this, now?" "There's something terrible on the moors, Father." "(Spooky music)" "Moors?" "We don't have any moors." "Well, there's something terrible roaming around where normally there would be moors, Father!" "They think it might be a kind of giant fox!" "(Thunder crashes)" " Dougal!" " Sorry." "It couldn't be Jack, could it?" "Someone might mistake him for a big mad cat." "Don't forget, during leap years Jack is very much affected by the changing of the seasons." "For a short while, he is at one with nature." "He's great when he's in the mood." "If only it lasted longer." "(Vomits)" "I better go and make some tea." "(Slurping and gurgling in time with Mrs Doyle's footsteps)" "I told you to turn that off." "But it is off." "(Slurping and gurgling continues)" "What do you mean, Chris isn't in the competition?" "He's the champ!" "This talk of the beast has got to him, his nerves are shot." "I took a photo this morning." "Nerves?" "It's a sheep!" "He always had a very artistic temperament." "He's not a concert pianist, he's a sheep!" "I don't see how... (Ted) Oh, my God." "I mean, when you compare it with what he looked like last year..." "It's like two completely different sheep." "He's off his food..." "He's not sleeping..." "And he's started to burp." "(Sobbing) Oh, F-Father, w-what am I going to do?" "Fargo, pull yourself together." "Chris needs you now more than ever." "Come on, I want to see him." "But he doesn't want to see anybody, Father!" "Fargo, that's an order." "Take me to see Chris, the unhappy sheep." "God, you should have seen him, he's just a shadow of a sheep." "If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now." "Why?" "Because of the beast." "They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better." "And it lights up at night, Ted, and it's got four ears, two are for listening and two are back-up ears, and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps!" "Mrs Doyle says it's got magnets so if you're made of metal it'll stick to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses." "Dougal!" "It's a legend, it doesn't exist." "Right, like the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist." "The Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist!" "Don't start another what-does-exist debate." "Add those last two examples to the chart." " But..." " Dougal!" "I'm more worried about that bet I put on Chris." " You don't think he'll win?" " No burping sheep has ever won." "What about Big Brendan in 1983?" "Fluke." "Anyway, it's just the heating budget." "And look what the Weather News says." "That's last year's Weather News." " What?" " This is this year's." "I'll see if John and Mary will give me my money back." "I'll come too, see if they've got Sound Effects Volume Five." "Fair enough." "Good night, Dougal." "(Howling)" "And some of his ears are inside his head, and his yawn sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a load of hens... (Ted) Hello, Fargo." "And he doesn't have any eyebrows, except on Saturdays." "Oh!" "Ahh!" "And you can stay in there till you learn some fecking manners!" "(Mary) Let me out, you bastard!" "(Banging)" "And I've thrown away the key!" "How do you like that, huh?" "Hello, John." "Hello, Father Crilly!" " Hello, Father McGuire!" " (Banging stops)" "Where's... where's Mary?" "She's away at her mother's." "(Banging) No!" "Is there, um, is there someone in the cupboard?" "(Mary) Hello, Fathers." "Mary?" "Mary, I forgot you were there," "I thought you were at your mother's." "(Mary) No, I didn't go after all." "I'm in the cupboard." "What are you doing in there?" "It's because of the beast," "I thought Mary would be safer in the cupboard." "(Mary) I'm better off here." "What can I do you for, Father?" "A pack of 20 Carols." "(Mary) Certainly, Father." "I'll get them, love." "You stay there." "Er, John, can I have a word?" "(Mary) Is Father McGuire there?" "I am." "Hello, Mary." "(Mary) Lovely day, isn't it?" "Oh, yes." "(Mary) You're looking great, anyway." "I'm sorry, Father, a bet's a bet." "But if she doesn't have the operation she won't be able to fetch water for her village." "I am sorry, Father." "You should've waited, the odds have lengthened to 20-1 on account of Chris's nervous troubles." " Anyway, your cigarettes." " Thanks." "They don't have the sound effects album." "We might as well just go." "(Mary) Bye, Fathers." " Bye!" " Bye!" " (Mary) I hope you're satisfied." " Ahh, shut up!" "Oof!" "Look, there's Giant Reed." "Hello, Giant!" "What are you thinking, Ted?" "Look at the big serious look on your face." "Chris can't win this competition." "Ted, it's pointless thinking about it." "There's nothing we can do about the situation." "We just have to accept the fact and that's that." "We could bring Chris over here, that might help." "Oh, wow!" "Brilliant!" "I knew there was something we could do!" "Didn't I say it?" "No." "No, you didn't." "You said the exact opposite." "We couldn't do anything." "Ted, you've done this before, so I took the liberty of taping the conversation." "We'll just have a listen." "'Ted, it's pointless even thinking about it." "'There's nothing we can do about the situation." "'We just have to accept the fact and that's that.'" "I stand corrected." "(Baaing)" "Oh..." "Ahh..." "There he is now." "(Burps)" "I'm still not sure about this, Father." "We'll make him into a new sheep." "Or else a jumper and a few chops!" "(Laughs)" "I'm terribly sorry, that was just tasteless." "I'll be off, then." "OK." "Seriously, if there's one place for peace and quiet... (Jack) Feck!" "Arse!" "Feck!" "(Banging and crashing)" "Feck!" "Feck!" "Feck!" "Arse... (Muttering)" "It would be an insult to you if I finished that sentence." "You're up early, Father." "We're off to get Chris into shape for the competition." "Do you think would our new guest like a cup of tea?" "The little sheep fellow?" "I don't think they drink tea." "Not unless you have some special "Sheep Tea"." "Yes." " What?" " I do have some sheep tea." "Oh, right..." "Well, um..." "Give him some of that, then." "OK, so." "It's nearly midday, do we have to get up this early?" "Has to be done, Dougal." "We've got to get Chris from looking like this... to looking like this." "(# M-People:" "Search For The Hero Inside Yourself #)" "# You've got to search for the hero inside yourself" "# Search for the secrets you hide" "# Search for the hero inside yourself" "# Until you find the key to your life" "# Search for the hero inside yourself, yeah, yeah" "# Search for the secrets you hide... #" "Ah, hello, Father." "Did you...?" "Is he...?" "I'm sorry, we tried everything." "Ah, well," "I suppose I..." "I..." "I better take him home." "A-ha!" " Ha!" " A-ha!" "Got you!" " What did you do?" "!" " Just did my best." "I don't know what to say." "Can I buy you a drink to celebrate?" "Dougal, don't let Chris wander off." " And keep that front door closed." " OK, Ted." "He's the best... fecking sheep ever." "His little sheep face..." "And you have to say, great sense of humour." "Really?" "Great." "He only cost £23 - 23!" "A clause says I have to pay more if his image is used on stamps, but still, a great bargain for such a happy sheep." "(Sighs)" "(Laughing)" " Is that Hud Hastings?" " Yeah." "Is he... wearing a crown?" "(Laughing)" "Yes, very good, yes." "(Drunk and laughing)" "Very good, yes." "Yes, bye!" "Dougal, I notice the front door is wide open." "Oh, er, it is, yes, Ted." "And I see we're currently sheepless." "Oh..." "Ahhh!" "I told you to keep the door closed." "Now, hold it there, Ted." "(Ted) 'Don't let him wander off... '" "(Howling)" " What's that?" " The beast!" "Come on!" "How do we know which way to go?" "Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, travel north, where it's colder and they won't be so stuffy." "So, we have to go north." "Which way is north?" " l-I don't know." " (Howling)" "Quick!" "It seems to be coming from all around us." "The Sioux Indians could pinpoint the exact location of buffalo by looking at the moon and putting their ears to the ground." "Ted, maybe it's coming from that stereo." "(Howling)" " (Burp)" " Ted!" "It's Chris!" "Is he all right?" "He's fine!" "He must've realised it was a big stereo in a tree!" "Let's bring him home, Dougal." "I think I'm beginning to figure out what's been going on." "Well, it's been an easy decision." "There's one out-and-out winner and rather than waste time with a speech" "I'll get on with the job of announcing the winner who, today, has come first in this competition to see who the winner is in the King of the Sheep competition that we have all come to today" "wondering who indeed will it be, who wins the prize of King of the Sheep." "The winner of this year's King of the Sheep competition is..." " Stop!" " (All gasp)" "Good God!" "What is the meaning of this?" "This competition is a sham and a fraud and a... sham!" "What?" "!" "How dare you!" "There's been a deliberate and scurrilous attempt to sabotage this high-profile sheep competition." "And those responsible are in this very room." " Giant Reed and Hud Hastings!" " (Shocked gasps)" " (Man) Fuckin' hell!" " You'd better have some proof." "Oh, I do, I do." "You constantly chatted of the so-called beast of Craggy Island, always within hearing distance of Chris." "Fargo, how's the champ?" "(Baaing)" "And you used a copy of BBC Sound Effects Volume Five to add weight to those fanciful claims." "An impressionable sheep could not but be convinced by "Terrible Monster"." "Is this true?" "Well, well, well." "What a pretty picture Father Crilly has painted!" "How dare you bring shame on this celebration of sheep!" "Don't be too hard on them - sorry, your name?" " Alan." " Don't be too hard on them, Alan, they were simply pawns." "The real villain in this piece has yet to be revealed." "Fargo Boyle!" " What?" "!" " (Shocked mutterings)" " (Man) Fuckin' hell!" " That's nonsense!" "I'll just go now and take my trophy." "You were disappointed at the poor odds Chris was receiving." "You manipulated those odds by sabotaging your own sheep and then staging a miraculous recovery." "You paid Giant and Hud to talk about the beast in front of Chris." "Hud, Giant, hello there!" "You didn't count on the vanity of your accomplices who used their wealth to buy a fur coat... and a crown!" "And you bought the BBC Sound Effects record." "You knew that with my intuitive understanding of sheep," "I could nurse him back to health." "It was you, Fargo, you, you... you!" "Chris!" "Chris, it's not true!" "It's not true!" "No, no!" "Don't look at me, don't look at me!" "(Sobbing)" "Should I call the police, Father?" "No." "He's lost the trust of his sheep." "That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily with sheep." "If you'll excuse me, there's a stench in here and I need some fresh air." "Ted, if Chris has been disqualified, haven't you lost the heating money on the bet?" "I know it's a radical step, but it's very, very cold." "See you in three months, then, Ted." "Actually, I'd better go to the toilet first." "(Helicopter)" " (Door slams) - (Ted) Don't even talk to me!" "(Dougal) I'm so sorry, Ted." "(Ted) You're judging a baby competition, don't get them agitated!" "This happens every time and I'm sick of it!" "I was just playing with them, Ted." "Playing?" "You were jumping up and down, running around and getting completely overexcited." "That's why you got sick on me!" "I thought the standard was rubbish." "A lot of sloppy babies who looked as though they couldn't be bothered." "And the hairiness of some of those babies." "It was a very hairy baby parade." "If people can't even shave their babies before they come out..." "Normally you wouldn't have to shave a baby...!" "What the hell?" "Mrs Doyle, did you put a brick in the middle of the floor?" " I did." " Well... why?" "I thought it would be handy for your paperclips." "You can put them in that hollow there." "Yes, but why on the floor?" "I got the idea from a magazine." "That may be fine for Will Self or one of those fellas but I prefer the more traditional aspect of not putting bricks in the... (Screams)" "Mrs Doyle looks very different today." "Was it definitely Mrs Doyle?" "(Knock at door)" "I'm sorry, I was looking for Mrs Doyle." "It is Mrs Doyle!" "What?" "I thought you were Marilyn Monroe." "(Screeching laugh)" "Now... a couple of nice pints for you." "Oh, great." "We're a bit low, actually." "(Milkman chuckles)" "There's plenty more where that came from." "(Screeching laugh)" "I shouldn't be here at all, the police are after me." "They're not!" "I'm so gorgeous they want to arrest me!" "(Screeching laugh)" "Actually, I'm a bit sad at the moment, Mrs Doyle." " I have to go to a funeral." " Oh, no, really?" "Yes." "My last girlfriend." "She died from exhaustion." "(Very screeching laugh)" " Hello." " Oh..." "Hello, Father." "This is Pat Mustard, the new milkman." " Oh?" " Yeah, just here on the south side, spreading meself around a bit." "Mrs Doyle, you need to dust Father Jack's room." "And a cobweb in the shed needs removing." "Righto so, Father." "I'll be on my way, padre." "Off on my rounds." "Right, Ted." "Looks like an ordinary blackboard, doesn't it?" "Yes." "That's what I thought - but watch this!" "You see?" "You can rub off the letters." "Well... you can do that with every blackboard." "What?" "This is very milky tea, Mrs Doyle." "This is almost all-milk tea." "Is there any tea in here at all?" "Well..." "No." "Anyone would think you were trying to use up all the milk so that... so that Pat Mustard can come here more often." "Ha ha ha ha." "Pat's very interesting, Father." "At the weekends he's a swimming instructor." "And he fought in Vietnam and he's a former Mr Universe and he taught Elvis Presley how to play karate." "It sounds like he's telling you a few tall tales." "What do you think, Dougal?" "Well, Ted, I'm very cynical, as you know." "Well, Father... it's not my place, I know, but it sounds to me like you're a little bit jealous." "Jealous?" "Of Mr Milkyman?" "I very much think not!" "What are you doing, Dougal?" "I'm looking at some of the hairy babies." " There's something about them." " Let's see." " Oh, my God." " What?" "This is a terrible thing to say but if you took this moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards..." "I think you'd get..." "Pat Mustard!" "Do you think the babies are copying his style?" "No, I think it's more likely that... mm-hmm." "That Pat Mustard has been..." "You know, I mean delivering more than dairy products." "No!" "You mean he's been..." "Ho..." "I... can't..." "Ho!" "Ho-ho!" "He... no... wha..." "He's been what?" "We should do some detective work, find out what this Pat Mustard fella's up to." "(Mrs Doyle laughing)" "(Pat Mustard laughing)" "(Both laughing)" "(Coughs)" "Hello, Father." "Oh, Pat wondered if he could put his massive tool in my box." " What?" "!" "How dare you!" " It's too big for the milk float." "I'll pick it up tomorrow." "Mrs Doyle, could you leave us?" "Righto, Father." "Pat Mustard, there are some very hairy babies around and I think you are the hairy baby maker!" "Well, I think you'd need proof if you're gonna make that sort of accusation and I'm a very careful man, Father, a very careful man." "Except when taking precautions in the bedroom!" "You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception, Father, would you?" "Yes, I...!" "No, I..." "If you're going to be..." "I... of course..." "Just feck off!" "You'd want to get up very early to catch me, Father." "Very early in the morning." "(Camera clicking)" "And now to ride Mrs O'Reilly." "Dougal, did you get that?" "Ted, I turned the volume up to hear what's going on in the house." " At this level you could hear..." " (Horn honks)" "Right, now we wait." "No, he's finished!" "God!" "Theresa, I forgot me fecking trousers!" " Ha-ha!" "Mm-hm!" " (Camera clicking)" "Shameful!" "Dear God, disgraceful." " Have you ever seen the like?" " No, I have not." "How should we do this?" "How about £2 each for these and a tenner for the rest?" "I wasn't selling them, I was just showing you what one of your employees was up to." "Oh!" "Oh, my God, yes!" "What did you think?" "I completely misread the situation!" "This is disgraceful behaviour." "This employee shall be removed from his job straight away." "Thank you for informing us." "Hey, you, who's gonna deliver the milk now?" "Actually, next week is a big week." "We agreed to ease the milk surplus of Eastern Europe by buying 17,000 tonnes of milk from them." "Pat's sacking couldn't have come at a worse time." "Think of all that lovely milk with no one to drop it off." "I wish I could do it." "We could certainly trust a man of God." "A what?" " A priest." " Thanks for reminding me(!" ")" "But I'd love to be a milkman, that'd be fantastic." "God knows I do flip-all around here!" "You could certainly fill in for a while." "I'm not sure." "Father McGuire has other duties in the parish." "Like what?" " And be sure to keep warm." " Ted!" "Not in front of Mr Fox." " And stay on the left of the road." " Duh!" "I know!" "Stop it!" "That turns it on, that makes it go, that steers it." " OK." "Right." " OK!" "You're ready to be a milkman." "Better get going - milk gets sour, you know." "Unless it's UHT milk but there's no demand for that because it's shite." "(Beeps horn)" "He'll be fine." " (Clunk)" " Ahh!" "What's going on?" "Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick." "It's a great pet." "He doesn't have to feed it or clean it." "Suits him perfectly." "I love my brick!" "Ahhh, that's nice." "Maybe we're seeing another side to Father Jack, a more caring..." "Ahh, feck it!" "Fed up with "brick"!" "(Telephone rings)" "Craggy Island parochial house..." "Father Ted Crilly speaking..." "It's me, Father, y'ignorant bastard." "Is that you, Mustard?" "You got me sacked and now I have to yank meself off because I haven't got any proper sex." "Well, if you're going to use that language..." "No, I've something to tell you." "I've left a little surprise on the milk float your little friend took off me." "Something to remember me by." " A bomb!" " What?" "!" "A very special bomb." "When your little friend gets to over 4mph the bomb is armed but when he comes back under 4mph then... (Imitates explosion)" "Sorry, I lost you there." "What happens?" " It'll go off." " Oh, my God, Dougal!" "(Pat laughing evilly)" "Mrs Millet... two pints." "Two pints." "Two pints of milk." "(Doorbell)" "Pat..." "Father!" "Oh, my God!" "Two pints." "Eh, two pints..." "two pints." "There you go." "Bye, then." "(Doorbell)" "Morning, Mrs Gleason!" "(Screams)" "OK, right." "I'll just leave it here." "(Car horn honking)" "Dougal!" "Dougal!" "Are you going over 4mph?" "!" "I'm fine, leave me alone." " Are you doing over four?" "!" " Not yet." "(Click)" "Now I am." "Dougal, there's a bomb on the milk float!" "A bomb?" "Who's that for?" "It's not for delivery - it's going to kill you!" "Pat Mustard put it there!" "When you go under 4mph it'll explode!" "Have you got that?" "!" "Oh, God!" "I don't wanna be a milkman any more!" "Just don't slow down!" "Ted, look!" "It's a big bunch of boxes in the road!" "Just stay over four!" "(Beeps horn)" "(Beeps horn)" "Go, Dougal!" "Go, go, go!" "Get to the roundabout and circle it." "I have to have a think!" "Ted!" "(Phone rings)" "Barren Island parochial house." "Father Beeching." "Derek, Dougal's on a milk float with a bomb that will blow up if it goes under 4mph." "Yes, that is a problem." "But don't panic, Ted, we'll find a way through it." "We've got to do something practical!" "Wait..." "I have it." "(Engine chugging)" "The Lord be with you..." "Oh, no!" "Mass!" "Mass today being offered for Father Dougal McGuire who finds himself in a trying and unfortunate situation." "We pray God will protect him from harm at this... time" " and deliver him to safety." " Amen." "(Pat laughing evilly)" "Oh, yes, they'll be peeling him off the wall for weeks to come." "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord" "(All) Amen." "Dougal, there's a roundabout!" "Just keep driving round!" " Everything's gonna be OK!" " But I get dizzy!" "Don't get dizzy!" "You've got to come up with a plan." "Back to my house!" "(# Tense music)" " That's the idea?" " It's the best we've had." "Another Mass - that's our best idea?" "I thought the other one went very well." "Dougal needs help, not a Mass!" "This isn't a time for Mass, this is a time for action!" "Is there anything to be said for saying another Mass?" "Just a small one?" "Oh, God, I love saying Mass." "Him and his Masses!" "One time, er, a few years ago, at the Moscow Olympics with, er, Sean Drea, the rower." "This is a great story." " We don't have time!" " It won't take a second." "Shut up and help me think of a practical solution." "Tea for everyone!" "Father Beeching, biscuit or cake?" "Biscuit or cake?" "Ooh..." "Biscuit or cake, let's see..." " For God's sake, hurry up!" " Biscuit." "No, cake!" "Have you seen the damage a bomb can do?" "Blow your face off!" "Well, it worked for them and they saved hundreds of lives." "We only have to save one." "That was different," "The Towering Inferno was a building that caught fire!" "It's not the same as rescuing a priest from an explosive milk float." "And besides, they had Paul Newman and Steve McQueen." "God Almighty, I forgot Steve McQueen was in it." "Wait!" "I've got it!" "The Poseidon Adventure!" " What?" " Gene Hackman plays a priest in it." "(Poseidon Adventure title music plays on TV)" "Well, that was no help." "He didn't even say Mass." "Let's go to the roundabout and think of something there." "Oh!" "Fecking brick!" "Wait a minute, I've got an idea." "Yes, gentlemen..." "Father Dougal is propelling the milk float by exerting a small amount of pressure on the accelerator." "If we replace his foot with an object then we can safely remove him from the vehicle." "You mean..." "Yes." "We put the brick on the accelerator." " Dougal!" " Ahh!" " I've got a plan." " Ted, I want to be a priest again." "This isn't really your thing, is it?" "No, I don't like this job at all!" "All right, when I say step off, you step off, all right?" "Keep saying, "I want to be a priest."" "I want to be a priest, I want to be a priest," "I want to be a priest, I want to be a priest!" "Step off the milk float, Dougal!" "Ted, you forgot your brick!" "Put it back!" "Put it back!" "Run, Dougal!" "I'm a priest!" "(Laughing evilly)" "Oh, yes, you messed with the wrong milkman, Father." "Well, I'm off." "Better get out the earplugs, Father, because when that milk float goes up, they'll hear it all the way to the North P... (Distant rumbling)" "(Dialling tone)" " There y'are." " Thanks, Ted." "Sure you don't want any milk?" "No, no, I'll stay off milk for a good long while." "You stick to what you're good at and I'm good at being a priest." "Uh, yes." "Ted, it's scary out there in the real non-priest world." "Not every job's as dangerous as being a milkman." " Anyway, good night." " Good night, Ted." "Those women were in the nip!" "(Helicopter)" "(TV) # One foot in the grave One foot in the grave... #" "Come on, Dougal, turn off the video." "OK, Ted." "That's a great show, isn't it?" "He's mad, isn't he?" ""I don't believe it!" he says." " Which one were you watching?" " What?" "Which episode of One Foot In The Grave?" "Eh?" "You've just watched it." "Don't you remember anything?" "I don't believe it!" "That's what he says." "Come on, hurry up, we're off to the mainland." "Hurray!" "Why?" "To go and collect my winnings." "£200 on Father Liam Rice in the limbo competition." "They don't know that he always walks like that!" "I don't believe it!" "I don't believe it!" "Dougal, there's a hole in your tank top." "Really, Ted?" "I don't believe it!" "Brilliant, Dougal." "Can we go to the caves after the betting shop?" "Please, please..." "OK, we'll go." "Fantastic." "Going to the caves." "I don't believe it!" " Here we are now." " (Dougal) I don't believe it!" " Drink!" " No, Father." "We're going to the opticians to get you some glasses." "We should all be careful on the mainland." "There's a lot of crime - arsonists and muggers all over." "My friend was robbed last week." "Oh, no!" "Did they get much?" "No, Father." "You misunderstand." " She was robbed." "They stole her." " Oh, I see." "Terrible when an old person can't walk the street without being stolen." "It is." "Come on, Dougal." "I don't want any accidents." "There's Mrs Dineen, Father." "You can drop me off here." "Right so." " Hello, Father Crilly." " Hello, Mrs Dineen." "(Mrs Doyle) We'll go to the tea shop for a bit of a chat." "Right so." "Bye now." "God, Dougal, imagine spending any more time with those tw... (Brakes screech)" "Oh, 200 big ones, Dougal!" "What?" "Oh, God, Ted." "I'm so happy." "The sun's out and we're in an opticians." "It doesn't get any better than this." "God, Ted!" "I just remembered." "I forgot to have any breakfast." "(# Dramatic music)" "We'll get something later, don't worry." "Oh, God, Ted, I'm so hungry." "There's no chance..." "I couldn't die, could I?" "From the hunger?" "I don't think so." "Not for a few hours." "I'm finished now, Father." "Well, I must say, I'm confused." "His eyesight is better then ever before." "He read right to the last line and even I can't see that one." "Ah..." "I think I know what happened." "Father Jack has a fondness for saying that word." "Oh, I didn't know." "I've not used that chart before." "I got it free with a crate of Carlsberg." "Do you have anything to eat?" "Chips or a burger or a few chops?" "I'm out of my head with the hunger." "No." "I'll, er, just get the other chart." "So, what happened to his last glasses?" "No idea." "He went out of the house for a few minutes and they were gone!" "(Ted) Dougal, you forgot your scarf." "(Bird squawking)" "Fathers, this will take some time." "Oh, we'll head off." "Come on, we'll go to the caves." "Hurray!" "Now, this chart is from Slovakia's premiere lens manufacturers," "Feck Arse Industries." "You remember Mrs Kiernan?" "Well, she was shopping the other day and a man came over to her and killed her and stole her pen!" "Killed her?" "Well, they think so." "They're keeping her in for tests." "Well, you know what happened to Mr Sweeney?" "Some fellas broke into his house and started messing with him... and they put a bra on him." "Oh, God, poor Mr Sweeney." "He wouldn't like that at all." "I heard there were 200 cases of forced transvestism involving Mr Sweeney last year." "Oh, it's terrible." "What's the world coming to?" "Steady, Dougal." "Right, one more." "Steady." "God Almighty!" "Look who it is!" "It's that actor." " Who?" " The man from One Foot In The Grave," " the "I don't believe it" man!" " Oh, wow!" "(Ted) That's amazing." "Look at him." " Do you know what he'd love?" " What?" "If somebody went up and said his catchphrase." "Yeah!" "He'd love that." "You should definitely do that." " Should I?" " I'd say no one ever does that!" "He'll think you're hilarious." "This is one of these times when I'm absolutely sure it's the right thing." "I can safely say you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that." " I'm going to do it!" " Brilliant!" " Will I?" " Yeah!" "Go on!" "Hold the camera." "I don't believe it!" "(Wilson) I'll bloody well kill you!" "Well, what did he say?" "Did he laugh?" "No, no, no, not really." "I'm going to sit down now." "Oh, God, no!" "I could never be one of those have-a-go heroes." "I didn't know my own strength." "I heard his arm snap... then it was just a case of lying on top of him until the filth arrived." "We'd better be off, Mrs Doyle." "I'll get this." "Oh, no, Mrs Dineen." "I'll get this." "No, now don't be silly." "I'll pay." "You won't!" "Put that away." "Now, don't be stupid, Mrs Doyle." "No, no, no, no!" "Now, just put your money away." "You're mad!" "No, no, no, no." "(Crow screeching, Jack shouting)" "Fecking birds again." "Drink!" "Take the money!" "Take the money!" "(Both shouting and screaming)" "Get off!" " I'm writing a cheque." " No, you're not!" " I am." " Give me that cheque book!" "Hello, police?" "(Chatter)" "(Man) We understand." "Then..." "I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day." "Yes!" "Yes." "All I could think about was where to get the next drink." "Drink!" "I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids." "Nah!" "Now, with all of your help, I'm coming through it." "I'm just taking it one day at a time." "(Group) That's good." "Thank you, Ronald." "Now, I notice we have a new member with us today." "Father?" "Would you like to tell us your story?" "Drink!" "Drink!" " Drink!" " We hear you." "Let it all out." "Drink!" "It's so true." "So true..." "This rock here is granite." " How long has that been there?" " Oh, many millions of years." "Really?" "As long as that?" "That is fascinating." "How come all the rocks are different sizes?" "Well, you know... rocks are generally different sizes." "Wow!" "I'm finding out all kinds of new things about rocks." "Of course, at this time, most of the area was under water." " How did everyone breathe?" " They had some sort of apparatus." "Right." "Wow!" "Look at that rock over there." "This is the oldest part of our tour." "This cave was formed 15 million years ago." "Wow." "I don't believe it." "You again." "Get out of it." "I never want to see you again." "Bastard!" "That path's not open to the..." "Mr Wilson, could I say how sorry I am." "That's all right." "I just don't want to hear that bloody catchphrase." "(Thinks) 'I don't believe it!" "'I don't believe it!" "'" "I'm sure we came in this way." "Ted, I'm so hungry I'm beginning to hallucinate." "Don't exaggerate." "And stop worrying, we'll get out of here in no time." "Let's try this way." " (Ghostly wall)" " Ted, what's that?" " What's what?" " Oooooh!" "Ted!" "# I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouch, Scaramouch" "# Will you do the fandango?" "# Thunderbolt and lightning Very very frightening" "# Me" "# Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo" "# Galileo, Figaro, magnifico-o-o-o" "# I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me" "# He's just a poor boy from a poor family" "# Save him his life from this monstrosity" "# Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?" "Bismillah!" "No!" "# We will not let you go" "# Bismillah, will not let you go Let me go" "# No, no, no, no, no, no, NO... #" " Noel, I've..." " # Mama Mia, let me go" "# Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me" "# For me" "As I was saying... we should try and find an exit before the caves close." " Good idea, Father." " How long have you been in here?" "Two days now, Father." "At least, I think it's two days." "We've been having a great laugh!" "I er..." "I just think that everyone would like to get out and get home." "Who can screech the loudest?" "Let's have a screeching competition!" "I'll go first..." "Gerry Fields, your go." " I'd rather not, Father." " Go on!" " It's easy-peasy!" " I really think we should get out." "God, maybe you're right." "If not, we might have to eat each other!" "Like in that film Alive, where they get in a plane crash and they have to eat all their friends." "Look!" "Here's me eating Tony!" "Tony's going, "No, get off me, I'm not dead yet!"" "I'd be going, "But I'm hungry, Tony."" "And Tony'd be, "Oh, no, go away," wouldn't you, Tony?" "Here's Tony's parents when they hear that I've eaten Tony!" ""Why did you eat Tony?" "He was our only son."" "Then, I'd be at the funeral." "I'd be going, "Better not show my..."" "Will you shut up, will you?" "Will you please shut up?" "Will you shut up, shut up, shut up?" "Well..." "Well, I've never..." "I've never..." "Tony, I'm putting you on my list of enemies." "There..." "You're in for it now, Tony." "Ha!" "Only joking!" "Look what I've written!" "Come on, someone else for the screeching competition." "Janine Reilly, she'd love a go!" "Go on, it's easy!" "I wouldn't do that, Noel." "Seriously, Noel." "So, it was me, Father Collis and Father Duggan, and you'd think that someone like Chris Evans wouldn't want to hang around with us." "And you'd be right!" "He didn't want to hang around with us at all!" "Ted, I'm going mad." "Yes, Noel, are you not worried about being trapped under those rocks?" "Not at all!" "You're here to keep me company and the Youth Group will be back with help soon." "They said they'd find the tour guide, tell him what happened, and come right back." "That's four tickets to Paraguay." "But I liked The English Patient." "Mmm." "Very confusing and far-fetched and very, very boring." "It was my kind of film." "Hmm." "Oh, oh." "I like The Piano as well." "Did you see Harvey Keitel running around in the nip!" "Did you see that, Ted?" "Ted?" "Ted?" "I hate leaving Noel but we can't help by just listening to him." "At least he'll be safe under those rocks." "Let's just get out then worry about Noel." "God, where is this exit?" "Aah!" "Ted, my tank top has turned into some sort of woman's bra!" "What?" "It's after unravelling." "Oh, my God, Dougal!" "We can find our way back with this." "You must have snagged it." "If we use this, we can find our way out." "Thank God, Dougal!" "We'll be out in no time." "Should you be winding it up?" "Shouldn't we follow it?" "What?" "What use will it be when you've finished winding it up?" "I don't believe it." "(Ted's voice echoing) I don't believe it... believe it..." "Believe it..." "I don't believe it... (Echo continues)" "(Screams)" "Pub." "Drink." "Drink." "Drink, drink, drink, drink." "Don't do it, Father." "I won't let you do it." "I know it hurts but you'll thank me for..." "Oh, thank God." "There's someone buried in the caves." "He's OK but you should go quickly." "Please hurry." "Come on, I want to go before they rescue him." "Come on, Dougal, relax." "The food will be here in a minute." "(Telephone rings)" "Hello?" " Is that Father Crilly?" " Yes, this is him." "We've been looking for you all night." "Do you know a Mrs Doyle?" "First name, Mrs..." "(Fire bell rings)..." "Doyle?" "Er, do I know a Mrs..." "(Plates smash)..." "Doyle?" "Erm..." "We do, Ted." "Yes, she's our housekeeper." "Can you come to the police station?" "She's been in a spot of trouble." "Now, Mrs Dineen, if there's a fine, I'll pay it." " No, no, no..." " Thank you, Father." "Father Hackett!" "Dougal, there's no time to eat that." "We have to get Mrs Doyle and Mrs Dineen... (Phone rings) ...and Father Jack out of prison." "Come on." "I'm very, very sorry." "You wouldn't have a lasagne or a chicken curry or something?" "No." "OK, I'll just have a bag of chips and a Fanta orange as well." "This is a police station." "Right... in that case, just the chicken satay and pilau rice." "I hope you don't think this happens all the time." "We're not all criminals in the church." "I hope this won't put you off Mass." "I'm a Protestant, Father." "Really?" "Ah..." "It's a straight choice, Father - a £200 fine or a night in the cells." "Well, I wouldn't have that kind of money on me." "In the circumstances, a night in the cells might be the better option." " Ted..." " Shut up, Dougal." " Ted." " Dougal, be quiet." " I was..." " All right, all right!" "Here." "Here's your blood money!" "But let me say this, once, the police were friends of the Church." "Drunk-driving charges quashed, parking tickets torn up." "Even a blind eye to murder but now..." "And you, are you satisfied?" "I gave him the money." ""Ted, give him the £200 you won." Well, I did." "Happy?" "Once again, you've made me look an idiot in front of real people." "Thank you so much." "Right, to be honest, Ted, I forgot you had the money." "I was going to say your fly's open." "God, what did I say?" "There's always trouble on the mainland." "I'm never going there again unless it's completely unavoidable." "Which, it isn't." "Unfortunately." "(Door bell)" "Oh..." "I..." "I... don't believe it!" "# Fat bottomed girls they make the rocking world go round #" "(Helicopter)" "Ted!" "How are ya?" "Ah, Dougal!" "Hello there." "Did you have a good time?" "What?" "Great!" "Everything here's been fine." "Nothing wrong here at all." "There's no problems here at all." "So, how was the school reunion?" "(Keep talking.)" "Oh, ahem..." "I was at the old school reunion... (Where's this go?" ")" "Father, do you think a cup of tea might calm you down?" "Father McGuire, you're back!" "Thank God!" "You've got to do something!" "Father Crilly's gone mad." "It's this football thing." "God Almighty, that time of the year again!" "Yes." "And he thinks Father Byrne's trying to find out his tactics." "It's only a stupid game of football, for goodness' sake!" "Mrs Doyle, I'm sorry but no!" "There's nothing stupid about football." "And nothing stupid about the annual All Priests 5-a-Side Over 75s' indoor football challenge match against Rugged Island." "Please, Father." "Do something." "Oh!" "Anyway, Dougal, you were saying?" "About the school reunion?" "Well, I didn't recognise any of them." "Guess what?" "They'd all become firemen." "I was the only one who wasn't a fireman." "How's that?" "Dougal, er... you didn't go to a fire station by mistake?" "Ah..." "Ted, come on." "You're going a bit mad." "I don't know what you're talking about!" "There's nothing wrong with me, everything with me is fine." "Ted, I'm going to have to do something you won't like." "Call it female intuition, or whatever the male equivalent is." "But this isn't going to go down well in the Ted camp." "I think..." "Sorry." "You were going a bit too mad." "My God, what have I done?" "Look at the room!" "You're right, Dougal, I have to get a hold of myself." "Ted, being bugged by Dick Byrne, that's not likely, is it?" "Come on, Ted." "Look at you!" "You look terrible." "I've been having trouble sleeping." "I'm going to try this stuff, Dreamy Sleepy Nightie Snoozy Snooze." "Dreamy Sleepy Nightie Snoozy Snooze." "Yes." "It's a bran-based alcoholic chocolate sleeping aid." "It's banned in most European countries." "That means it's very good." "I'll go and get us both an ice cream." "That'll calm us down." "Ah, that'd be nice." "Where are you going to get an ice cream?" " There's a van outside." " Is there?" "It's not going to sell much ice cream there." "They're on to us, Cyril!" "Go, go, go, go... (Tyres screeching)" "Come on, Father Cullen!" "Get your arse in gear!" "Father Whelan, you can move faster than that!" "Get into it!" "Missing the target from there, you need shooting!" "I'm very tired." "I'm 85!" "God, that's a defeatist attitude, Father Cullen!" "I'm holding you back for extra training!" "You'll stay here until seven!" "Do 15 laps of the pitch!" "But..." "Off you go..." "I don't know!" "The attitude of those lads." "There was a time when the over 75's team putting their hearts into it..." "Kick the (BLEEP) ball!" "What's wrong with you?" "!" "All over the place." "Dick Byrne's lot have a new fella." "He's flip hot - an Italian!" "Oh, the Italians know about football." "And the world of fashion." "Do you remember that fella who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?" "Where's Nick Doorley?" "Father Jack's not here, Nick's not..." "Our main bloody strike force and they're not bloody here!" "You wouldn't think Father Jack could play football." "No, then you see him..." "Beautiful player." "Poetry in motion." "Did you tell me once Jack had a trial with Liverpool?" "No, he was on trial in Liverpool." "I wonder where Nick is." "God, yeah." "Jack's good but if anything happened to Nick... we'd be up to our necks in flip." "And with this new fella on Dick's team, we need Nick at the very peak of his powers." "So, there's no way he'll be able to play?" "No." "No, he's dead." "It's completely out of the question, then?" "Is it?" "Is it completely out of the question?" "Ted, you're clutching at straws." "C'mon lads." "(Ted) You're right." "(Fax machine bleeps)" "Ah, isn't that nice?" ""Sorry to hear you died," from Father Heggaty in Chicago." "Does that coffin has a fax machine?" "Yes, it's the latest thing." "Look at this..." "This display tells you how long you've been buried... and this one tells you how deep down the coffin is." "Isn't it amazing?" "With these humidity controls," "Father Nick won't start decaying till... sometime next year." "Niall, you must stop buying this catalogue stuff." "It's a complete waste of money." "I mean, look, a remote control wheelchair." "Why would you need that?" "You probably get more use from those fake joke arms." "Oh, those..." "They seemed funny at the time." "They reminded me of my own arms." "Fake arms!" "Niall, honestly!" "What situation could ever need a radio-controlled wheelchair, or a pair of joke arms?" "Only, I would imagine, a completely ludicrous one." "Yes." "Do you think you can win this match without Father Nick?" "I don't know." "He has a great partnership with..." "Had, he had a great partnership with Father Jack up front." "God, if Dick Byrne wins..." "We're using the forfeit system again." "Last year when we lost..." "Dick made me photocopy my own rear end." " (Phone)" " Excuse me." "They'll never let me back in that library again." "Hello?" "Oh, it's for you." "Hello?" "(Dick) 'I am going to win again, Ted!" "'" "Ha!" "That's what you think, Dick Byrne, but we've got some..." "Wait a minute!" "How did you know I was here?" "(Dial tone, ice cream van jingle)" "Damn you, Father Dick Byrne!" "Yeah, all right, all right." "More bad news, Dougal." "Oh, no, no, no..." "I've just spoken to Father Ned Fitzmorris." "He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off." "There's no way round it." "I'm going to have to put him in goal." "God, Ted, I can't wait to get back into the old physio role again." "Running on to the pitch with the magic sponge and doing all physio-type things." "Dougal, do you know what the sponge does?" "It... soaks up germs." "Dougal, I don't want you to take this the wrong way... but I was thinking of a new role for you this year." "Right..." "Erm..." "I'd like you to..." "keep an eye on the corner flags, and make sure no one steals them." "Ah, thank God." "I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do." "But, wow!" "Watching the corner flags!" "Big responsibility." "Football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football, football!" "What you men see in it, I don't know." "A load of men kicking a bit of leather around a field." "You men!" "The things you think are great fun!" "Like going to the films." "Men sitting around looking at films." "And roller coasters!" "A load of men going up and down on a metal track." "And sailing!" "A load of men in a big boat floating around in the sea." "And shouting!" "A load of men going around shouting!" "And so forth." "Well, Mrs Doyle, there's more to football than you think." "In fact, I got you a book about it." "All right, Father, I'll give it a go." "Ted, Jack's been like that for a good long time." "He wouldn't be dead again, would he?" "Ah, no." "He's probably dreaming of his old sporting days." "More water." "Well, today's the day." " Got the hang of it yet, Dougal?" " It's harder than you think, Ted." "The trick is to try and keep your eye on it." "Argh!" "Ah, hello, Ted." "I was... er... just..." "eating... my breakfast." "Dougal, that's a fib." "What are you really doing?" "I..." "I've lost the flag, Ted." "I just put it down for a second and the next thing it was gone." "Ted, you're going to have to give me an easier job." "It's too much, too soon." "Dougal." "Look at Father Jack." "Would he give up so easily?" "Look at that steely determination." "That air of defiance." "That..." "I've just realised, Jack's been asleep for 14 days." "Oh, my God!" "He's drunk an entire bottle of Dreamy Sleepy Nighty Snoozy Snooze!" "(Dramatic music)" "Go on... my son." "Well, there he is, Ted." "Father Romeo Sensini." "17 caps for the Vatican Over 75s." "Looks after himself." "Drinks only very, very fine wine." "Can climb two flights of stairs." "Needs only one nun to help him get out of a chair." " You haven't a chance." " That's what you think, Dick." "Father Hackett's been through rigorous training." " He's never been fitter." " Ha!" "(Snoring)" "(Ted) Father!" "Father, please wake up!" "What are we going to do?" "I can't believe we're in this completely ludicrous... situation." "God Almighty, Mrs Doyle, how could you find this type of thing interesting?" "That's what I thought." "Sit down." "Look at this." "Ooh!" "Ready?" "Ready?" "(Whistle)" "Close him down!" "Close him down!" "Ah, Mary, have you got me glasses?" "Sensini's got an open goal." "If we don't do something he's going to score in a matter of minutes." "Where did he come from?" "Get rid of it!" "Get rid of it!" "What?" "Turn around!" "Concentrate on the game!" "Is that Father Crilly?" "Hello, Father." "Someone's going to have to get tighter on the Italian." "Go wide!" "Go wide!" "Argh!" "# You're not singing you're not singing" "# You're not singing any more!" "Penalty!" "Typical Italian." "(Rapid heartbeats)" "(Very slow heartbeat)" "He's sent the keeper the wrong way!" "Yes!" "Oh!" "Goal!" "Goal!" "Yes!" "(Dick) Yes!" "Yes!" "Goal!" "Listen!" "I know you're tired and have to be back in the home by eight." "But remember one thing..." "You are carrying the whole of Craggy Island on your shoulders." " Metaphor!" " It's my back." "Jim, it's a metaphor, didn't mean it literally." "Don't jump into the flow." "Now, play the best game of what remains of your lives." "I want you to rip Dick's team to shreds." "Metaphor again, Jim." "Now, get out there and let's lick some arse!" "Kick some arse!" "We're going to win, Cyril." "I want a souvenir of this game." "Go get me a corner flag." "Go get me a corner flag." "Oh, yeah." "Yes." "Good!" "Go on, Father Jack." "Go!" "(Mrs Doyle) Come on!" "(Crowd cheering)" "Hey!" "Oh." "You're shit!" "Ah!" "Open goal!" "Go on Father Cullen!" "What?" "Don't look at me!" "You've only the keeper to beat!" "Go on!" "Go on!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Have I done something wrong?" "Whoo!" "Better luck next year, lads!" "You lost, Cyril." "Goodbye, Dick." "Goodbye, Cyril!" "Can they not stay and have a drink?" "No." "Dick has to go home and do his forfeit." "The forfeit!" "What is it?" "Dick..." "He has to kiss Cyril on the cheek!" "Brilliant!" "Cyril won't have a clue what's going on!" "Dick'll hate having to kiss a man!" "He's notoriously homophobic!" "Ted, you should have this." "You deserve it." "No." "I think we'd better head on home." "Ah, go on Ted, have a glass." "Wait a second!" "These are fake hands!" " Got the forfeit, Ted!" " Oh, God." "Dick said it was a special forfeit because you're such a cheating bastard!" "All right, open it!" "The tension's killing me." "Don't worry." "He probably wants you to clean his car or some..." "What is it?" "Break it to me gently!" "All right. "Ted, by this time next week, you have to..."" " What?" " "You have to..."" ""Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!"" "(Helicopter)" "(Drums beating)" "Oh, come on now, lads." "Quixiquoddal, the Volcano God is angry." "We must appease his wrath!" "Volcano God!" "What kind of nonsense is that?" "I'll ask you one more time, will you not give Catholicism a try?" "(Irish accent) It wouldn't catch on." "We don't agree with the Pope's line on contraception." "It's the '90s for God's sake!" "(Ted screaming)" "Cup of tea, Father?" "Father?" "Cup of tea?" "Father, what's the matter with you?" "You're a million miles away." "Hmm?" "Oh, sorry, Mrs Doyle." "I was just thinking about my next parish." "Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant and this time I think he just might go through with it." "You see..." "I'm going to kick him up the arse." "Oh, that!" "I don't think he'd mind that." "I'd say he'd love a good, big, hard kick up the arse." "Ted!" "Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't..." "Oh, wait, no, it's a film." "Do you really have to kick him up the arse?" "I lost the bet, Dougal." "I have to do my forfeit." "Do you remember when Dick Byrne lost the darts tournament and he had to say "Bollocks" very loudly in front of Mary Robinson?" "He's not gonna let me away with this one." "You're right." "There's a code of honour involved." "You could lie to him." "No, he's insisted that you take a photograph as proof." "Oh, God, Dougal, what can I do?" " I like this parish." " Do you?" "!" "Well, no." "Look at it this way." "Bishop Brennan has only visited us twice in the last three years." "He hates us." "He thinks we're all eejits." "Especially you, Ted." "He thinks you're the biggest eejit of them all." "Head honcho eejit number one!" "He may never come here again." "(Phone)" "Hello, Bishop Brennan." "Yes." "OK." " He's coming tomorrow." " Oh, no." "Why?" "What I gather is that Father Dick Byrne has told Bishop Brennan of a miraculous image that's been appearing in the skirting boards of the house here." "He told Bishop Brennan that in the wood grain you can see what appears to be a perfect likeness of..." "Bishop Brennan." " You found out all that just there?" " Yes, he's very excited about it." "Images appearing on skirting boards." "That's a bit wacky, isn't it?" "It's strange all right." "It's like the Turin Shroud or that woman in Sligo." "Padre Pio keeps appearing in her teabags." "Or the time I saw God's face in that painting." "That was strange." "It wasn't that strange, it was a painting of God." "Have you heard about the mystery of the Mud Angel?" " The mystery of the Mud Angel?" " God, it's weird." "Every week in the mud outside O'Leary's pub, there's a perfect outline of a man - the Mud Angel." "Mystery solved." "Still, visions and apparitions, it is a bit odd." "It's one of those areas of Catholicism that's frankly a bit mad." "The whole Catholic thing's a bit of a puzzler, isn't it?" "Careful, Dougal." " I'm a bit afraid of Len, though." " Join the club." "I won't worry about it." "The worst thing is to keep thinking about it and become so anxious and obsessed that you can't sleep." "That's just..." "Dougal?" "Dougal!" "Wh-What!" "What?" "God that was weird." "What happened there?" "The last thing I remember is feeling very drowsy and tired... then I can't remember anything at all after that." "Yes, Dougal." "It's called "falling asleep"." "You do it every night." "I don't know why you're finding it so easy to drop off." "Today you're going to be taking a photograph of me kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse, and he won't like that." "Imagine someone taking a photo of you being kicked up the arse." " I wouldn't like that at all!" " No, I thought you wouldn't." "And his PA is coming, Father Jessup, the most sarcastic priest in Ireland." " When Len comes around..." " Hold it right there." "Don't call Len "Len," he's a bishop." " What are you not to call him?" " Len." "Very good." "Now, just remember that." "Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len," "Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len, Len." "OK, now let's get a good night's sleep." "It's morning." "We must have talked all night." "At least we have a few hours before... (Alarm clock rings)" "I set it early so we'll have plenty of time before... (Doorbell)" "Mrs Doyle, stall him for a few seconds." "Come on, Dougal." "Hello." "This is the housekeeper." "Your Grace." "Is that a... a hat you're wearing?" "It's called a biretta." " Is it?" " Yes!" "Well, that's enough stalling." "In you go." "(Ted) That's very true, Dougal." "You see the importance of the Eucharist in the Mass from what St Paul says here." "The way I see it..." "Pretending to talk about religion." "Crilly!" "Ah!" "Hello, Len." "Don't call me Len, you little prick!" "I'm a bishop!" "Oh, right." "Well done." "You know, this type of thing 24 hours a day." "Crilly, I'll make this short." "Show me the likeness and I'll be off." "I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the Pope." "I love those programmes." "Have you seen the one with Elton John?" "Shut up!" "Hello, Father Jessup." "Helping Bishop Brennan, then?" "No, I'm up in space doing important work for NASA." "Now, show me this thing." "It's very like you, Your Grace." " Oh, really?" " You're better looking, of course." "I don't mean that in an intimate way." "Er..." "Nasty day." "Did you come by the new road?" "No, we went round by Southern Yemen." "Anyway, before we look at the skirting board do you mind if Father McGuire takes a few photographs?" "Oh, this is nothing!" "Nothing." "I, um, I suppose..." "I suppose we better go." "Ah, now, this is a new one." "B-B-Before we look at it, perhaps we should say a prayer." "No, I don't want..." "All right, then." "Carry on." "Oh, Lord, at this time of great joy for Bishop Brennan, when you have seen fit to put his face into the skirting board of our house, we ask you to consider the gift of forgiveness." "You, who are the most forgiving of all gods..." "Of all gods?" "What other gods are there?" "Er... false gods." "Oh, Lord, heap blessings upon wise Bishop Brennan, the best bishop in the world by miles." "For he endureth without spite, amen." "There it is, Your Grace, have a look, it's under the window." "Well..." "I don't see anything." "What happened there?" "Crilly just..." "jumped through the window." "Crilly!" "Crilly, are you out there?" "What's going on?" "Why did he jump through the window?" "An Audience With Lily Savage, that was good as well." " The Pope, that'll be just great." " Why'd you jump through the window?" "I didn't jump through the window." "You did." "You jumped through the window." "Right..." "It was because of shock." "I saw your face, did you not see it?" " No, I did not." " Did you not?" " Did you see it, Dougal?" " No." "God, it was extraordinary." "Do you not notice the holy smell in the room?" "That might be Jack's underpants hamper." "I'll put it back in his room." "Look, it's uncanny." "I'm surprised you don't appear on more things." "You're such a top-of-the-range bishop." "Crilly, it is just an indistinct squiggle." "Come on, Jessup, we're leaving." "Crilly, where is my cloak?" "Your Grace." "Father Crilly, I've just heard on the news that they've taken the roads in." " They've taken the roads in?" " Yes." "When the rain is bad, they store them in a warehouse on the east of the island." "What?" "!" "I have to be in Rome tomorrow for an audience with the holy father!" "Don't worry, Len, they repeat the shows all the time." "They'll have the roads back out by tomorrow." "So we have to spend the night?" "Yes." "Oh, bollocks." "Will I make up the beds in the spare room?" "No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch." "OK, so." " Would you like a cup of tea?" " No, we'd rather die of thirst." "OK, so." "Mrs Doyle, I think Father Jessup was being a bit, er, sarcastic." "What?" "Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?" "No, we want to die of thirst." "I know it's confusing but just do the opposite of what Father Jessup says." "OK." "So... you really do want..." "a cup of tea?" "Yes." "(Snorting, muttering)" "Ah, the Kraken awakes." "Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?" "Arse!" "Biscuits!" "What?" "!" "How dare you speak to His Grace like that." "Apologise immediately!" "(High-pitched voice) I'm so, so, sorry." "Now, that's sarcasm." "Dougal, there's no way I'll be able to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse." "He's just too scary." "I'd rather take my chances in another parish." "Oh, my God." "I might have a way you can kick him up the arse and get away with it." "If you did, that would make you the most intelligent person in the world." " Do you think that's likely?" " I wouldn't go that far!" "I'm no Jeffrey Archer, I don't care what anyone says." "Why don't you just kick him up the arse and act like nothing happened?" "Brilliant, Dougal(!" ")" "No, Ted, seriously." "Look, how scared are you of Len?" "Very scared." "Exactly." "So how likely would it be for you to kick him up the arse?" " Well... not likely at all." " Exactly!" "So when you kick him up the arse, carry on like nothing happened." "He'd never believe that you'd be brave enough to kick him up the arse." "He'd think he'd just imagined it." "My God!" "That..." "That might work." "That might well work." "I'm gonna do it!" "I'm ready!" "As God is my witness," "I will kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!" "(Bishop) Crilly!" "Keep the noise down in there!" "It's worth just taking one more look." "This has been a complete waste of my time." " Well, things might pick up." " All right, let's see." "Come on." "Wait." "That's not yours, it belongs..." "Don't you look at me like that!" "Give that back or there'll be trouble." "Come back here." "Give it..." "Oh, help!" "(Screaming)" "What was that?" "Mice or something." " Can you see anything?" " No, I can't." "Oh, wait a minute." "There seems to be... a very crude water colour painting... of a man in a bishop's hat." "Really?" "Let me see." "Ah, you're right!" "Tell you what must have happened," "Dougal probably didn't want you to be disappointed so he must have drawn that himself." "Ah, he meant well." "Anyway, I'm sure you want to be off, catch that ferry, huh?" "We'll order you a taxi." "So, off to see the Pope?" "I bet you're looking forward to that." " Did you see anything?" " No, nothing there at all, sadly." "It was a wild goose chase." "Where's Father Jessup?" " Maybe he went on ahead." " OK, so." "See you soon, Your Grace." "Come back as soon as you can." "(Car horn honks)" "(Both) Bye!" "(Taxi driver) Your Grace?" "Your Grace, are you all right?" "You were right!" "He didn't notice a thing." "You gave him a really hard kick up the arse and he didn't realise it at all!" "Maybe..." "Maybe I didn't kick him up the arse?" "No, Ted, I took the photograph, remember?" "Ha!" "You're right." "I did do it!" "And I really went for it." "More sparkling wine?" "I need more sparkling wine!" "Did you pack this bag yourself, Your Grace?" " Your Grace?" " Uh..." " Father." " Arse." "Help... help." "Plea..." "Oh, thank God." "Help me." "Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper?" "He locked me in here." "Dear God... the smell." "Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there?" "Of course I'm uncomfortable!" "I want to get out." "Fair enough, so!" "Where are going?" "!" "Help me!" "Have you finished your meal, Your Grace?" " Your Grace?" " Uh..." " Have you finished your meal?" " No." "(Drunkenly) And this..." "This is what I did..." "First thing in the morning, I want 200 copies for all my friends." "And one for myself blown up, ten-by-ten." "You feckin' old... (Mumbling)" "Feck off!" "And from Ireland, Bishop Leonard Brennan." "He did kick me up the arse." "Argh!" "Get me on the first plane back to Ireland." "Now, goddamit!" "What are ye looking at, huh?" "Ahh..." "Oh, Jesus..." "Oh, God... (Car approaching, horn honking)" "(Screaming)" "Oh, no!" "(Growling) Crilly!" "(Pounding on door)" "Crilly!" "Crilly!" "Crilly!" "I know you're under the bed." "I can see you." "Ah, Bishop Brennan, hello!" "God Almighty, what brings you back?" "Come out from there now." "No." "No?" "I will give you ten seconds, Crilly." "(Whimpering) It's just that I can see another vision of you, Your Grace." "The bits of fluff are arranging themselves into a bishop formation." "Oh!" "H-Hello!" "Great to see you back." "What brings you here?" "Well, I suppose the company, the fresh air, the view from my window of that great pile of sludge but number one on the list is the matter of you kicking me up the arse." "Yes, I think that is the one I would prioritise. (Growling)" "Wh..." "Kicking..." "What?" "What did I kick?" "I mean..." "Don't try my patience, Crilly!" "You kicked me up the arse!" "Try to deny it and I will have you fed to the dogs!" "Wh..." "Why would I do that?" "You'd kill me." "You're damn right I would." "I would never ever kick you up the arse." "You're..." "I think you're great." "Well, I..." "Huh?" "Are you sure you're not making a... terrible mistake?" " Do you think that's possible?" " Of course it's not!" "Well, it did occur to me that it was a bit unbelievable." "Ye..." "It's unbelievable because it didn't actually happen." "I swear to you on all that I hold dear - on my life, on my religion, on God, on all the saints and angels in heaven..." "I did not kick you up the arse." "Well, you know, maybe..." "Maybe I need a holiday." "Maybe I have been sort of imagining things." "You have been imagining things." "Have a holiday." " Shut up, Crilly!" " Okey-dokey." "Bye, Bishop Brennan." "Don't worry about the door." "Bye." "Come back soon." "Ted, I got those copies." "Shut up, Dougal." "Shut up!" "The one you wanted blown up, where do you want that?" "What do you mean?" "Bye, Bishop Brennan." "We love you!" "Come here, Ted." "Turn around." "Arghh!" "(Father Jessup) I'm really enjoying this." "(Helicopter)" "(TV) 'It really is extraordinary.'" "'Strange, short emissions, 'which the patient shouts out, seemingly involuntarily.'" "'Firk!" "'" "'Arpse!" "'" "Arse!" "'Grals!" "'" "Girls!" "Dougal, there's nothing on." "Why don't you read a book?" "Oh, right." "No, Dougal." "Read a different book." "Actually, it's been a few minutes." "I'll see if there's anything good on now." "Honestly, Dougal, you've got to broaden your mind." "What are you reading, anyway?" "Well, I'm re-reading it." "William Shatner, Tek Wars." "Oh, no!" "This eejit!" "# My lovely Mayo Mammy" "# So gentle and so wise" "# Rocking on your rocking chair, baking cakes and pies" "# My lovely Mayo Mammy" "# My lovely, lovely Mayo Mam" "It's Eoin!" "Father, isn't he lovely?" "He's a brilliant dancer as well." "Ugh!" "Now, it's time to announce the winner of my fabulous poetry competition." "You wrote a poem about me, and the prize is that I come to the winner's house for a cup of tea." "God!" "Can you imagine that!" "Oh, God!" "So, over I go to my poetry corner." "OK, here it is." "This week's winner." ""Eoin McLove is his name," ""Singing songs is his game," ""Someday, I will say hello, and for a cup of tea, we will go."" "(All) Aw!" "And the winner is Mrs O'Neill from Kildare." "And it says here, she's 110 years old!" "(All) Ooh!" "She also asks me what my favourite things in the world are." "I'd have to say..." "Well, jumpers and... cakes." "Oh, no!" "What's this?" "It's a little puppy with a broken paw." "(All) Aw!" "I'd better go home and nurse it back to health." "Goodbye, everybody." "(All) Bye!" "Hard luck, Mrs Doyle!" "Maybe next time." "There's one of his songs reminds me of the time my husband..." "I've said too much." "I'll just go listen to his latest album." "He's brilliant!" "Ha, women!" "Where?" "No, I mean..."Women!"" "Oh, right, yeah. "Women!"" " Tscha!" " Tscha!" "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!" "Yeah!" "But there definitely aren't any women in here?" "No, you're fine." "Do you know what?" "I could write a poem for that show." "Be honest, the poetry Mrs Doyle writes will is bound to be hopeless!" "What would you write about?" "Ah, Dougal, inspiration can come from so many places." "Argh!" "No, no, Father Nolan was in the gas explosion." "Punched a hole in his chest the size of a football!" "They identified him with dental records!" " Poor Father Nolan!" " Yes, he's very low at the moment." "(Gasps)" "(Gibbering) Oh, my God!" "Eoin..." "Island!" "Calm down, what was that again?" "To Craggy Island..." "Read out my poem!" "Your poem?" "Well, I wrote it as a surprise." "It was my poem." "No, no!" "It's mine!" "I'm sorry, Mrs Doyle, I don't think so." "What's the first line?" ""Eoin McLove has a happy face."" "That's not my poem!" "No, it's mine!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "I'm hugely confused, Ted." "The only thing I can think of that must have happened is that Mrs Doyle's poem was better than yours." "But that couldn't be, could it?" "That your poem was actually worse than Mrs Doyle's?" "That just couldn't happen, could it?" "Could it?" " When's he coming?" " Argh!" " Tell us!" " I can't." "It's a secret." "Thursday?" "Friday?" "Saturday?" "Sunday?" "Aha!" "I don't want anybody to know." "You won't tell anyone, will you?" "I swear I won't." "May I get struck down by every disease that it is known for a middle-aged woman to suffer from." "And as you and I know, that's a lot of diseases." "(Muffled gossip)" "(Screams)" "I think he's here, Ted." "The good news is, he can only afford a crappy blue Cortina." " Imagine going around in that thing!" " That's my car!" "Oh, right." "Still, you know what I mean." "Mrs Doyle, he's here!" "Is this the place?" "What is it?" "A mental hospital?" "No, it's a parochial house." "The winner is the priests' housekeeper." " Better prepare the ground." " So do I have to walk to the door?" " Yes." " I have to walk to the door meself?" "Yes, you have to walk to the door yourself." "Mr McLove will not allow any photographs apart from one official picture for advertising purposes or sign autographs in ink." "Mr McLove is not an equal opportunities employer." "(Mobile phone)" " Hello?" " 'Hello." "Is Patsy there?" "'" "Yes, Eoin, this is Patsy." "I'm in the hall." "Will you let me in or will I knock on the door or what?" "Dougal, he's our guest." " Let's do this for Mrs Doyle." " Yeah, I know!" "I'm Eoin McLove, that's who I am." " Hello, you're very welcome." " I'll leave you, then." " I'll talk to these two." " Yes." "What if the old one speaks and I don't know what to say back?" "I don't know!" "And the thick-looking one?" "He's weird." "Eoin!" "I smell wee." "Where's that from?" "It's this one here." "This one smells of wee." "(Growling)" "Best step away there." "So where's the winner so I can go home for my tea?" "Actually, you can have your tea here." "Mrs Doyle!" "Hello." "Brilliant, she fell on her arse!" "(Spooky music)" "58... 69... 60." "Right." "That's your 20 minutes up." "I'm off." "Don't try to stop me." "Eoin, did you enjoy your tea?" "What?" "Don't know." "Yeah..." "Whatever." "I want to go." "It's getting dark." "Are you afraid of the dark?" "It's only because the sun goes..." "There's this..." "It's got something to do with clouds!" "I want to get out." "How do you get out?" "Eoin, was there another poem that was very good this week?" "No." "Are you sure?" "The only other one was from this lunatic." "We called the police because it was so demented." "No, that couldn't be it." "I'll stop talking because I don't know what to say." "Hello, is Patsy there?" "Don't talk to me on the mobile, I'm right beside you." "What?" "This is a very bad line." "Patsy...?" "Oh, no!" "Not again." "(Old ladies) Eoin!" "Eoin!" "Ladies..." "Go on home now." "Nothing to see here." "Go away, you dirty old biddies." "Eoin!" "I'm afraid we can't stay and chat." "I have a baptism tomorrow." "The baby has a very big head and it may not fit in the font." "It's like a big tide of jam coming at us but jam made out of old women." "I've got a bad feeing about this." "Let's get back in the house." "Go away!" "I don't want to catch the menopause!" "Let me in!" "Let me in!" "(Screaming)" "Oh, God, that was close." " Dougal!" " Hello!" " I don't mean hello, I mean help!" " Oh, right." "Aah!" "Actually, Dougal, that's my hand." "Try hitting the women's hands." "OK, yes." "Sorry, Ted." "(Patsy) Hello?" "Hello?" "The battery's dead." "What about your phone?" "They've cut the lines." "They lie in wait like wolves." "The smell of blood in their nostrils." "Waiting." "Interminably waiting." "And then..." "He's right, Ted." " What do they want?" " They just want to mother him." "He's got nobody to blame but himself." "When you've got album covers like this, you're just asking for trouble." "I'm no good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say there's about 17 million out there." "I'm hungry." "Where's the jam?" "You're not supposed to eat before your dinner." "You shut up." "I'm Eoin McLove." "I can do what I like." "I've got a terrible secret." " Do you?" " Yeah." " What?" " Not telling." "Eoin!" " What?" " Don't eat the jam from the jar." "Leave me alone!" "I can have you killed." "Get out!" "I..." "I was just cleaning the spoon." "I can't stand it." " Why are they so quiet?" " (Ted) Patsy!" "What do you want?" "What do you want?" "!" "Argh!" "It's all right." "She's one of us." "What?" "What?" "Yes... yes." "Eoin, Mrs Doyle wants to know, would you like a cake?" "Who?" " Mrs Doyle." "This woman here." " Oh, right." "(Whispering)" "It's banana." "She knows it's your favourite." "God!" "I love that." "I'll eat that." "No one else is getting any." "This is all for me." "What's going on?" "(Whispering and laughter)" " Oh, my God." " What's happening?" "I'm scared." "I don't know how to tell you this but Mrs Doyle, in an unusual move, has baked a jumper in the cake." "I'm going to get sick." "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me." "I'm not wearing a cake jumper!" "This is horrible." "Yuk!" "(Sobs)" "I'll eat the cake, though." "We have to get him out of here." "You know what we need?" "Something to lead them away from him, so he can escape." "Some kind of misleading event but..." "what could it be?" "I know!" "A diversion." "That's what it's called, a diversion." "I know what it's called." "I didn't ask what it's called." "I want to know what the diversion should be." "Come on, come on, ideas, ideas." "(Rattling)" "(Muttering)" "Drink!" "Feck!" "Arse!" "Girls!" "Yes." "Thank you, Father Jack." "I think we need more concrete ideas than that." "What do old women like?" "Do you know what they really love?" "A big game of bingo!" "Let's lure them into some kind of giant bingo game!" "Right." "How would we do that?" "We could print some bingo cards on our printing press, then..." "Oh..." "Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there." "Or bingo balls, or a microphone or any bingo paraphernalia at all." "Damn!" "So near and yet so far." "(Banging on window)" "What?" "No!" "No way!" "Go on home!" "Shoo!" "Oh, Father, we just wanted to tell you that was a brilliant Mass you did last Sunday." "Oh, well, thank you." "I was very happy with the sermon, actually." "Oh, yes." "How did it start again?" "Let's see..."I think it was the actor Nick Berry who said..."" "Sorry, Father, we can't hear you very well through the window." "Right." ""I think it was the actor Nick Berry who said..."" "Oh!" "There he is!" "He's asleep!" "Isn't he lovely!" "Aah!" "You're not interested in my sermon!" "Why is the window open?" "I can't hold them back!" "Get upstairs!" "(Old ladies) Eoin!" "Eoin!" "Eoin!" "Eoin!" "Eoin!" "Back!" "God!" "What are we gonna do now?" "(Chanting) Eoin, Eoin..." "What are we going to do?" "I'm not so worried for ourselves, but the little ones." "They have their whole lives ahead of them." "Eoin, Eoin... (Cock crows)" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Ladies!" "It's after seven o'clock." "I think your husbands might be wondering where their breakfasts are." "Mrs Doyle's right." "Remember last year, Mrs Dunne?" "Your husband tried to wash a cup and burnt the house down." "And Mrs Collins, when Mr Collins tried to make the bed on his own... and lost a leg." "Surely you can't let them get through a day on their own?" "Go on home." "(Spooky music)" "Hup!" "Hup!" "(All sigh)" "Can I have this duck?" "Right, we're off." "Did you have those cases when you came?" "No." "They're yours." "I just liked a lot of stuff here, so I thought I'd take it off with me." "Oh!" "That's very cheeky." "Well, I'm taking everything." "Come on, Patsy." "I'm sorry he's been so much trouble." "I think it has to do with his problem." "Oh, you mentioned that earlier." "What is it?" "I have no willy." "Right." "Don't you have something to say to Mrs Doyle?" "Er..." "Thanks for the cake jumper." "There's bloody cake bits all over the place." "Father, you've been so kind." "Would you like to come up to the show?" "Father McGuire said you're always trying to get on TV." "No, no..." "That's not true." "It is true." "You're always trying to get on television!" "You said it's your number one ambition." "Did I?" "I might have said that." "Joking, probably." "Anyway, I actually couldn't be bothered." "There's a new part in the show - we get an audience member to do a quiz." " There's a cash prize." " I'll do it." "Father, you've got four out of five right on your specialist subject," "William Shatner's Tek Wars." "So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours!" "(Audience) Oooh!" "Oh, no!" "People will think this is rigged." "John Paul II." "What was his name before he became Pope?" "Jim?" "You know Father Cavanagh, and this is Father Brian Eno." " Ted!" " One second." "He's gonna jump!" "Kevin!" "What's going on, for goodness' sake?" " I can't go on!" " Don't be silly, Kevin!" "It's pointless!" "What did I become a priest for anyway?" "What an utterly useless waste of time." "I'd have been of more use sweeping roads." "Listen to him!" "It's fabulous being a priest!" "Think of the comfort you bring to the sick!" "They can't get enough of it!" "And what about your friends?" "Father Alan, for instance!" "I've never met him before." "All right." "Anyone know him?" "(All) No, no." "Oh, right." "I'm your friend, Kevin!" " Really?" " You better believe it!" "Now, stop that nonsense and come on." "OK..." "I'm coming in." "(All cheer)" "Aaahhh!" "Well caught, Ted!" "(American accent) Who's the silver-haired priest?" " That's Father Ted Crilly." " Crilly, huh?" "Thank you." "And who are you?" "What the...?" "Sorry, I went over there." "What did you say?" " Who are you?" " My name's Cagney." "Buzz Cagney." "I think I might have a proposition for this Father Ted Crilly." " Oh, yes..." " There you go." "I'm sorry, Father, I..." "I don't know what came over me." "I get a bit depressed sometimes." "Don't mention it." "Hate to bring this up now but..." "That 20 quid you owe me..." "Do you remember?" "If you have it." "(Bell tolls)" "And Harrison Ford jumps off, and as he's falling fires up the plane." "Wow!" "That sounds great!" " I'm going again this weekend." " Brilliant!" "Oh, Mrs Doyle, when you go home, Father Kevin will be there." "He's staying until this depression or whatever it is lifts." "So..." "Oh, right." "So, don't depress him?" "Yes, stay away from war and death and that whole Mirror pension fund area." "All right." "I'll stick to things like... puppies and cushions." "Puppies and cushions." "I'm in a better mood already." "Father, that sermon today..." "Frankly, it bored the arse off me." "Well, Eugene, I'm not here to entertain you." "If you want that type of thing, go and see Jean-Michel Jarre." "What the hell was it about anyway?" " Well, it was..." " Ah, Jesus!" "What was my sermon about, Dougal?" "Do you remember?" "Sorry, Ted." "I was concentrating too hard on looking holy." "To be honest, I couldn't give a toss." "This is much more fun than killing yourself, isn't it, Kevin?" " Suppose." " Come on, Kevin, cheer up." "That's me and Dougal's job now." "We're in the Smile Brigade." "Not the fire brigade, the Smile Brigade!" "We're going to keep you happy and cheery until you can go to the bank." " Go to the bank?" " Go home." "I meant go home." " I'll have your money on Monday." " It was a slip of the tongue." "I don't even remember how much it was." " It was a tenner." " Twenty!" "Twenty." "I'm sorry, but let's nip that in the bud now." "It was twenty." "I'm sorry, but it was twenty." "Anyway, you're gonna stay here until you cheer up." "Things are gonna happen for you now, I can feel it." "Oh, nice move, Kev." "Actually, Kevin... you've landed on a snake there." "You have to go, er, go down." "What's wrong with you?" "There's nothing wrong." "Are you all right, Kevin?" "Yeah, yeah..." "I'm all right..." "Your go again." "Oh, good." "Five. (Chuckles)" "(Sobs)" "Another snake." "(Laughing)" "Your go, Dougal." "Hooray!" "If he keeps landing on snakes, then I'm going to win for sure." "You're very near a snake." "As long as you don't get a one." "You're all right." "It's... a six." "No, it isn't, Ted." "It's a one!" "I don't think it is, Dougal." "It is, Ted!" "It's a one!" "Look!" "He's going to snaketown!" "Wheeeee!" "Ah, come on, Kevin!" "Oh, wait, no." "It is a six." "(Doorbell)" "Kevin!" "Tell you what..." "We'll leave it at 15 quid!" " Father?" " Mm?" "A visitor, Father." "Father Crilly, hello." "Hello." "My name is Father Buzz Cagney." "I was at the conference." "I was hoping we could have a chat." "I think you might be interested in a little proposition." "Then I was in Utah." "Not a good Catholic market." "Mormon country." "Out there a guy can have five, ten wives." "That's a lot of action." "Action, yeah..." "Hard to compete with that." "Then I was in Reno..." "Reno?" "Isn't that very like Wicklow?" "I did a Mass in Wicklow once." "Very rough crowd." "You have to do a good sermon or they'll hop all over you." " Where are you now?" " I'm in Beverly Hills." "Bruberly Huls?" "Oh, wow!" "Good God." "You really landed on your feet there." "Tell me, is it really as false and artificial as everyone says it is?" "Yes." "I'd love that." " You do meet a lot of celebrities." " Yeah?" "Like who?" " Kevin Spacey, he's nice." " Don't know him." "What about Val Kilmer?" "I believe he's a complete bastard." "Did you ever think of going out there yourself?" "I usually go on holidays with my curate." "He can't take the sun too well." "Who are you?" "What are you talking about?" "This is Father Buzz Cagney." "He's just on a short visit." " He's from America." " America?" "We were just talking about that Kurt Cobain." "He was from America." "Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun!" "God, how did he manage to survive that?" "!" "Er... he didn't." "He died." "Oh, right." "You go to bed." "I'll be up in a minute." "All right." "Good night, lads!" "You'll be up in a minute?" "Yes, we sleep together." "Anyway, who else do you know?" "Hello!" "Father, are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow?" "Well..." "Yes, I suppose so." "I think you'll enjoy it." "You do like pheasant, don't you?" "Pheasant?" "God, I love pheasant!" "Well, that's a little clue." "The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well!" "Mrs Doyle, you're not going to cut his nails now, are you?" "I have to, Father." "He's been worrying the armrests again." "Oh, all right." "Buzz, just slip this on." "Anyway, you were saying?" "Yeah, I was curious, how much money did this parish bring in last year?" "How much money?" "God, I don't know." "(Smash)" "Another bloody window gone." "I suppose we take in about £150." "Maybe £200." "Ow!" "Mrs Doyle!" "Aim into the wall, please." "£200, huh?" "What's that?" "Not even $400." "You know what I'd do with $400?" "I'd wipe my ass with $400." "Good God." "Can that still be used as legal tender?" "My parish, St John's, made $2 million last year." "That's a lot of sherry and steak dinners." "Mrs Doyle!" "Seriously, now, do it later!" "Oh, all right, Father." "This is the St John's brochure." "It's a little out of date." "We've had another swimming pool built and... these ladies serving drinks would be in their 20s now." "Wow." "Cool." "Ted, the other day, I saw how you dealt with that suicide guy." "I have to say, I liked what I saw." "How'd you like to work with me in LA, in a satellite parish to St John's?" "You mean..." "LA?" "That's un believable!" "That's fantastic!" "Could you swing it?" "It's a good parish." "If you work hard, the rewards are there." "Yeah, spiritual rewards." "No." "Real rewards." "Really?" "It's a land of opportunity." "You want something, you can get it." "I want it!" "Really?" "It's official?" "!" "Yes!" "Yes, great news!" "Thank you, Buzz." "Thank you!" "Yes!" "One step at a time." "Got to get them all together." "Father Jack, Dougal, Mrs Doyle..." "I'm going to America!" "Yes!" "Ted, could I talk to you for a minute?" "Sure." "I, er..." "I just wanna thank you for talking me off the ledge." "It was very good of you." "I can't pretend that I'm any happier, I'm afraid." "The world still seems a dark, unpleasant place..." "Yes!" "I have to get my stuff over." "But that won't be a problem." "Kevin!" "Hello!" "What can I do for you?" "Well, it's just..." "I feel as if I should tell someone where my thoughts have been leading me these past weeks." "Down some very dark and disturbing alleys." "I think I'm experiencing what you might know as the dark night of the soul." "Hold on a second, Kevin." "Do you mind if I put on some music?" "No, er..." "I've begun to be plagued by doubts." "Doubts about..." "Oh, God, I mean, what if none of it's true?" "(# Theme from Shaft)" "# Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?" "# Shaft!" "#" " Sorry, Father?" " This is such a good song!" "I just keep thinking about the awful things that happen to people." "War, famine, that whole Mirror pension fund thing..." "It just makes me despair." "# Shaft!" "#" "I love this bit - # Daga daga daga daga... #" "I do..." "I do like this song, actually." "Ah, yes, it's terrific." "Mrs Doyle got it in a car-boot sale." "(Both) # Shaft!" "Shaft!" "Shaft!" "You were saying, Kevin?" "It doesn't matter." "I'd better go home anyway." "Thanks, Ted." "Listen, did you want that twenty?" " Yeah..." "Actually, keep it." " Really?" "All right." "Thanks, Ted." "No problem!" "Yes!" "Dougal, great news." "I've been asked to go and work in America!" "Really?" "As what?" "Well, as a priest." "A priest?" "Great." "That's more or less the same as what you do here." " Yes." " God, America!" "Fantastic!" " When are we going?" " When are we...?" "What?" "I am going, aren't I?" "You wouldn't..." "You wouldn't leave me behind, would you?" "Mrs Doyle!" "Ted's been offered a job in America and we're going with him!" "(Gasping) We're going to...?" "We're geeng to Meerica?" "We're geeng to Meeca?" "Are we?" "Are we really?" "Are we really, Father?" " Yes, we're going to America." " Tell Father Jack!" "Father Jack?" "(Easy listening)" "# I'll be seeing you" "# In apple blossom time" "# I'll be seeing you" "# To change your name to mine #" "Actually, I think I'd better just go and have a bit of a lie-down." "Father, do you mind if I turn on the radio?" "No, I don't." "Put it on." "(DJ) '... with their new single, here's Radiohead.'" "# Wake from your sleep" "# The drying of" "# Your tears" "# Today" "# We escape" "Woo-hoo!" "You guys!" "What a great Mass!" " What d'you think, Buzz?" " Seeing you today, Ted..." "I haven't been this excited about religion in 30 years." "You know how to work the room!" "You inspired me." "It was one of those Masses when everything went right." "I was just in the zone." "They're gonna love you in the States." "You put on a show." "But it's a competitive market." "You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys." "You gotta grab your audience." "You know where?" " Yeah!" "By the balls!" " I was gonna say by the shoulders." "Oh, right." "Sorry." "Yeah, it's fantastic!" "I feel like doing another Mass right away." "Pace yourself." "I wouldn't do another Mass for a week." "The way I feel now, I could convert gays!" "Oh-ho, Ted." "One week to go!" "Yes, Dougal." "Um..." "Mrs Doyle, Dougal, Father Jack..." "I have to tell you something." "I have to be absolutely honest with you." " The money was just..." " Resting in the account." "We know." "No, it's nothing to do with that." "Well... the thing is..." "You won't... you won't... be able to come with me." "When I go into space." "I'm going to be the first priest in space!" "Yes." "NASA have selected me to be the first priest in space..." " I thought you'd want to hear." " Great." "That's all right." "God, Ted!" "First America, then space!" "What's next?" "Who knows?" "As long as we can all go to America, that's the important thing." "I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason," "I'd have to say that would be the single most crushing blow of my life." "A disappointment like that, I couldn't live with it." "I might have to take the ultimate step and take my own life." "Mrs Doyle, that's a terrible thing to say!" "But it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America!" "Yes." "Ha, ha." "Well, Father, today's the day." "I arranged for the electricity and phone to be cut off, and someone is going to take away the furniture and burn it!" "Well, come on, now, Father!" "We don't want to miss our plane!" "God, I've just seen my passport photo." "I look hilarious." "Here." "God, I've changed a lot." "Look at Father Jack." "He's so excited he can barely keep still." "Seriously, I have to say something." "Oh, I can't wait to hear this!" "Every time Ted talks to us these days it's more and more good news." "Now you're going to tell us you're Santa!" "No, I'm not." "In fact, I'm the opposite to Santa." "The Antisanta?" "I'm afraid this is going to come as a terrible blow but I can't put it off any longer." " What are those guys doing here?" " They just came to say goodbye." "They don't think they're coming, do they?" "No, I made that very clear." "I told them a million times." "Just say your goodbyes and get checked in." "Then we'll go talk about your new parish." "All my life I've dreamed about something special happening to me." "I think this is the greatest moment of my life." "Me too." "Big bras!" "Dougal, Mrs Doyle, Father Jack..." "Why don't you wait in the café?" "I'll check us in." "Which café?" "The one that isn't a tourist office." "OK, so." "Flip." "They're never going to serve us." " (Chuckling) So, you all set?" " I am." "Damn!" "I forgot to pack my swimming trunks." "What for?" "Well, I don't want to go au naturel at the pool." "See, I've..." "I've a bit of downy fluff around that bottom area." "Oh, yeah, I heard about that." "No, I meant what pool?" "You don't have a pool." "No?" "OK." " You'll have a basketball court." " Great." "That'll keep me fit." "The parish has tried to cool tensions between the gangs through sports." "Stop you there a moment, Buzz." "Did you say 'gangs'?" "What does that mean?" "Well, LA's gang problem is getting better now." "Last year there were only 5,620 gang-related deaths." "There's that word 'gangs' I asked you about." "Also, I noticed that it was followed closely by the word 'deaths'." "Yes." "The good news is that drive-by shootings are down." "There I note the word 'shootings'." "Buzz?" " Yes?" " I quit!" "I didn't know I was going to America to umpire drive-by shooting tournaments." " Stop the plane!" " It hasn't started yet, Ted." "Don't start the plane!" "I'm getting off!" "Ted, is that you?" "Yes, it's me." "Listen Dougal, I've been thinking about things and I think it would be better if I didn't go to America." "I think we'd all be happiest where we belong, on Craggy Island." "Fair enough, Ted." "I didn't really want to go anyway." "Oh, Father, you're back." "What's going on?" "Ted decided it would be better if we didn't go." "Really?" "He's probably right." "Feck!" "Come on, we'll go home and get you a drink." " Drink!" " I thought you really wanted to go." "Yes, I thought I'd be a bit more disappointed, but now I realise I didn't want to go anyway." "Besides, I don't think I can go." "I haven't told my sister about it." "Come on, Ted." "Let's go." "Ah, yeah, you're here to stay, with me, Mrs Doyle and Father Jack, for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..." " Down with this sort of thing." " Careful now." " Night, Dougal." " Night, Ted." "Video (c) Hat Trick International Ltd." "MMI"