"So here's what you missed on Glee." "Rachel got the lead in Funny Girl on Broadway and Kurt now he's starting a band." "Sue framed Figgins so now she's a principal and Becky's a becretary." "I'm planning on installing Becky as my secretary and I will refer to her as my becretary." "There's a new bitch on the Cheerio!" "and her name's Bree." "And there's a new school nurse, her name's Penny." "Penny Owen." "And she gave Sam a shock of *** and now he's got like the biggest crush ever." "It's your responsibility to dance with me." "Jake and Marley have found true love so you know that's gonna last." "It's you and me against the world." "And that's what you missed on Glee." "(chatter, singing, playing instruments continues)" "All right, big week, guys." "Come on." "Gather round." "I have here in my hand..." "Drumroll, please..." "A secret list of the show choirs that we will be in competition with at Nationals in six weeks." "Ooh..." "Yes." "Okay, let's see what we've got." "We got the Rust-Belters from Pittsburgh, the Thunder Showcats from Gainesville" "(clears throat) and finally, from Fort Wayne," "Throat Explosion." "No!" "Why, God?" "!" "(groans)" "Uh, what?" "Throat Explosion?" "That's a joke, right?" "Anything but." "They're the new supergroup the Show Choir Underground's been buzzing about." "Their budgets for costume, makeup, hair alone are astronomical." "You guys have read that Malcolm Gladwell book." "Outliers, right?" "So, Gladwell says you can't possibly master anything unless you've spent 10,000 hours practicing it." "So students can't even join Throat Explosion without proving they've logged in 10,000 hours of show choir rehearsal." "They don't even go to class." "They just perform, every minute of every day." "They live their art." "They know no boundaries." "They're constantly pushing the envelope, living and performing on the edge." "They're like mini Lady Gagas." "(cackles)" "We're so screwed... they're not like Vocal Adrenaline, who were unfeeling Borg robots." "They're total outsiders and misfits, which used to be our niche." "We can't compete with Throat Explosion anymore at that level because we lost our biggest Gaga when Kurt graduated last year." "Look around, we're a room full of, like, Katy Perrys now." "Oh, you best check your spectrum, Queen T, because orange is the new black, and Unique is the new Gaga." "Well, not Marley..." "she's a Katy Perry." "So is Sam, so is Blaine." "I'm a Katy Perry and I'm proud of it." "Uh, the truth is, Tina, we're a potent mix of Katy Perrys and Lady Gagas in here." "But it's not a liability... it's the way we're gonna beat Throat Explosion." "Some of us in here are, you know," " ambi-edge." " Ambi-edge?" "You just made that up." "Uh, some of us are more, you know, wholesome, innocent, romantic, all-American girl-and boy-next-door types." "Uh, who in here would describe themselves as a Gaga?" "Okay, great." "And the rest of you are Katys?" "Is there a third option?" "We're gonna mix it up a little bit." "We're turning our weaknesses into our strengths." "This week, the Katys will get their Gaga on and the Gagas will bring the Katy." "Throat Explosion does their one thing very, very well, but we need to be able to do both, impeccably, or else we're not gonna have a chance in hell of winning Nationals this year." "(door bell jingles) Here's your check." "Where have you been?" "You said you were only gonna be five minutes late." "I was at Cooper Square." "I was putting an ad in The Village Voice for my new band." "Wait, you're starting a new band?" "Yes, yes, well, I-I sort of have to 'cause Adam kicked me out of the Adam's Apples when he found out I was engaged." "Well, what kind of band are you starting?" "Are you taking girls?" "Well, originally, I was thinking of a Madonna cover band, but I think I want it to be more organic than that." "So, yes, girls will be in it, and I was hoping the three of you could spare me the agony of open auditions by signing up." "I don't know, Kurt." "I think it's just a little too soon." "Rachel, Finn wouldn't want you sitting on the sidelines while life passes you by." "I know." "It's just that, with whatever strength and creative energy I have, it has to go towards Funny Girl." "I think that joining a band right now would just be a little too much, but... thanks." "Well, you've got me." "Yes!" "What about you, babe?" "Okay, I guess." "But, listen, if we're going to be a part of this band, we don't just get to help with the set list." "We also get a say on who joins, right?" "Sure." "As long as you don't go all crazy Nicki Minaj on me," "I'll see you at auditions." "(school bell rings)" "Well, hi!" "Hey." "What's up with your arm?" "Is that a... tattoo?" "No... no, it's just a temporary one." "I like to tat up when I go to Skrillex concerts." "Last time I was there, he spit in a cup and threw it on me." "Gross." "Or cool." "I guess I wouldn't have pegged you for the hardcore dance punk electronica kind of girl." "I know, right?" "The last guy I dated..." "I realize now he's a total dillweed... but I kind of liked his taste in music." "I think I have, like, a musical dark side." "Whoa." "Who is that?" "Oh, uh, True Jackson, Lulu and, uh, Ryan." "You haven't seen True Jackson, VP?" "Mm-mm." "Oh, my God." "It's awesome." "I have all three seasons on DVD." "Have you ever thought about what you would do if you landed your dream job as a big shot of a major company and you were only 15?" "I mean, how would you decorate your office?" "Who would you hire?" "True Jackson gets the chance of a lifetime when she's hired by her idol and made VP of his fashion empire and then every week she has to navigate this scary new world because True Jackson's gone from homeroom to the boardroom." "W..." "Wow, Sam." "This is not how I saw you at all." "W..." "Uh, weren't you a stripper?" "Uh, well, uh, we prefer the term "erotic entertainer."" "Ah." "I was gonna ask you, uh, w-would you maybe want to go out this weekend, like, um, on a date?" "Um, actually, my ex is taking me to the Nine Inch Nails concert in Columbus this weekend." " Not the dillweed." " Actually, yeah." "I-It's cool though." "We're just friends now, but he bought the tickets when we were still dating, and he really wants me to go and..." "Anyway, look," "I'll call you." "(school bell rings)" "True Jackson, VP?" "Is that even on anymore?" "No, it got canceled." "Evidently, the people at Nickelodeon don't care about quality entertainment." "Don't judge me, dude, okay?" "I'm bad-ass." "I play football and guitar and I've been hillbilly handfishing." "I just..." "I happen to like sweet things, too." "They relax me." "Which is why I like her so much." "But you said that she's into Skrillex and Nine Inch Nails." "So she clearly isn't exactly what she seems." "Exactly!" "She seems like a Katy but she's secretly a Gaga, and she only dates Gagas and I'm a Katy." "Okay, well, hold up." "Penny likes Gagas and you're a Katy." "But Mr. Shue's making all the Katys sing a Gaga song, so we bring Penny in to see it and she's gonna get all weak in her Skrillex-loving knees and forget all about her douche ex-boyfriend." "Then you, my friend, will have a new love of your life." "Yes." "This Katy/Gaga lesson is killing me." "It's like Mr. Shue did it on purpose to keep us apart." "I don't think he plans that much ahead." "I'm pretty sure he makes up these rando lessons a split second before he writes 'em on the board." "Speaking of this week's lesson, are you still okay with dating someone so... different than you?" "(blowing raspberry)" "I had Artie first, "bee-yatch"!" "You get my sloppy seconds." "Oh, snap!" "I did not have sex with Becky." "So... how long do we have to wait here?" "(sighs) This is humiliating." "I spent all of my tip money renting out this room because I thought we'd have a turnout." "SANTANA:" "What did you expect?" "No one's gonna try out for a band that doesn't even have a name." "Although I came up with an amazing one." "Okay, we are not naming the band the Apocalipsticks, okay?" "I'm manifesting the perfect name, all right?" "It takes time." "Yeah, and in the meantime, no one signs up." "Well, one person did." "They obviously chickened out." "Maybe it's for the best." "I mean, who names himself Starchild?" "***" "***" "Sorry I'm late." "People kept stopping me on the street," "Asking if they could take their picture with me." "Yeah, 'cause you look friggin' bad-ass." "Thanks." "I design and sew this costume myself." "It's a little Project Runway," "Season 6." " Have you prepared a song?" " Yeah, of course." "It's by one of my favorite artists, somebody that always inspires me to be myself, no matter what..." "other people think." "♪ I'm gonna marry the night ♪" "♪ I won't give up on my life ♪" "♪ I'm a warrior queen, live passionately ♪" "♪ Tonight, I'm gonna ♪" "♪ Marry the night ♪" "♪ I'm gonna marry ♪" "♪ The night... ♪" "♪ I'm gonna marry ♪" "♪ The night ♪" "♪ I'm not gonna cry ♪" "♪ Anymore, I'm gonna marry ♪" "♪ The night ♪" "♪ Leave nothing on the streets to explore ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry the night ♪" "♪ I'm gonna lace up my boots ♪" "♪ Throw on some leather ♪" "♪ And cruise ♪" "♪ Down the street that I love ♪" "♪ In my fishnet gloves ♪" "♪ I'm a sinner ♪" "♪ Then I'll go down to the bar ♪" "♪ But I won't cry anymore ♪" "♪ I'll hold my whiskey up high ♪" "♪ Kiss the bartender twice ♪" "♪ I'm a loser ♪" "♪ I'm gonna marry the night ♪" "♪ I'm gonna marry ♪" "♪ The night ♪" "♪ I'm not gonna cry anymore ♪" "♪ I'm gonna marry ♪" "♪ The night ♪" "♪ Leave nothing ♪" "♪ On these streets to explore ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry the night ♪" "♪ Nothing's too cool ♪" "♪ To take me from you ♪" "♪ New York is not ♪" "♪ Just a tan that you'll never lose ♪" "♪ Get Ginger ready ♪" "♪ Climb to El Camino front ♪" "♪ Won't poke holes in the seats ♪" "♪ With my heels 'cause that's where we make ♪" "♪ Love ♪" "♪ Come on and ♪" "♪ Run... ♪" "♪ Turn the car on and ♪" "♪ Run... ♪" "♪ Whoa ♪" "♪ I'm gonna marry ♪" "♪ The night ♪" "♪ I'm gonna burn a hole in the road ♪" "♪ I'm gonna marry ♪" "♪ The night ♪" "♪ Leave nothin' on these streets to explode ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪ ♪ Marry ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪" "♪ The night" "♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪ ♪ Marry ♪" "♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪ ♪ Marry ♪" "♪ The night ♪" "♪ The night... ♪" "♪ The night ♪" "♪ The night ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪" "♪ The night... ♪" "♪ The night. ♪" "Yes!" "Bravo!" "I would not be embarrassed to share the stage with you." "You just rocked it so hard." "Thanks." "Thank you for your time, Starchild, but it's not a fit." "Are you insane?" "I'm sorry." "Would you mind just stepping outside for a moment while I bitch-slap some sense into my friend?" "No, I don't need a minute, okay?" "I've made my decision, all right?" "Your aesthetic is striking, Starchild, but it's a little outré for the team that I'm assembling." "But if you're willing to tone down your look, maybe I'd reconsider." "You wanted to see me, Principal Sylvester?" "SUE:" "Would you care to explain why you're dressed like Lady Gaga?" "Would you care to explain why you're dressed like Lady Gaga?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "If you're referring to my face cage," "I'll have you know that tomorrow I'm scheduled for a routine colonoscopy, and this apparatus helps me avoid solid foods." "Okay." "Well, the Glee Club you specifically asked me to try to mess with is doing some Katy Perry-Lady Gaga week in an attempt to get 100% of America to not like them." "Anyway, Jake Puckerman's a Gaga, and he's all up in that girl Marley with the fat mom, who's a Katy, probably because her mom's boobs also shoot out whipped cream." "So, I thought I'd throw a little Gaga his way, and see what happens." "This practice of referring to oneself as a Katy or a Gaga... the Glee Club will be doing this the entire week?" "Super annoying, right?" "It is the most annoying thing they've ever done." "Ugh!" "Well, it appears Will Schuester has taken up the age-old question that has vexed creepy pederasts since Socrates." "Before Katy versus Gaga, it was Jackie versus Marilyn, Betty versus Veronica," "Mary Todd Lincoln versus Martha Washington." "Why must we always choose between female pop archetypes?" "Why can't we just be them all?" "I sort of don't know what you're talking about anymore." "That's because, for the past 12 hours, I have ingested eight gallons of saline solution." "I have more salt water in my colon than Richard Simmons after a poorly-executed cannonball off the Fire Island Ferry." "Now get the hell out of my office." "(school bell ringing)" "Okay, we have to get to Breadstix extra early on Friday because they are having a Julie Andrews tribute at the Lima Limelight." "Mary Poppins, Sound of Music," "Princess Diaries, back to back." "It's gonna be amazing." "Yeah, that sounds really awesome." "Do you not think it sounds amazing?" "I mean, it's just, like, the same thing." "Breadstix, movie, Breadstix, movie, Breadstix, three movies, weekend after weekend." "(sighs)" "I love you." "I'm bored of doing the same thing." "Let's just, uh... shake it up a little bit, eh?" "Okay." "Okay." "Uh, forget Mary Poppins." "We can do something else." "Okay." "Um, uh, they're having Orchid Mania at the gardens." "Uh, at the mall, there's a mobile cat adoption we could go to." "You are such a Katy." "I don't know how you're gonna pull off being a Gaga." "Why?" "Because I like cats and flowers and Julie Andrews?" "That doesn't mean I can't rock a bra made out of gloved leather hands." "Ooh, and I cannot wait to see that." "Come on." "All right, Gagas, I'm taking over this Monster Ball, since I'm obviously the edgiest one in the group." "And as a former teen stripper, I understand the... power of theatricality and performativity." "Yeah, but what-what are they building?" "The future, Ryder." "They're building the future." "All right, we're gonna get scary and weird and controversial." "Uh, hence the catwalk?" "We're taking it into the audience, Blaine, right in their faces and we're gonna drop-kick the fourth wall." "Are those strobe lights?" "Believe it!" "Because some kids might be epileptic." "Is it a seizure or is it just hardcore next-level break-dancing?" "I don't know." "Come on, guys, I need sick ideas..." "if we're gonna impress Penny, this thing has to be so crazy that it's declared legally and clinically insane." "What if we had, like, sparklers but we're inside?" "That's crazy." "RYDER:" "Yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Or-or, uh, confetti, only shaped like human skulls." "No!" "No, no, no, no!" "No, those ideas suck!" "You're not thinking edgy and fresh!" "You're thinking safe and tired and boring!" "Okay, look, here." "Take the sheet music for "Applause," okay?" "Learn it." "Own it." "Live it." "And then strap in because right..." "Hey, hey, hey." "Hey, Artie." "We're not doing this for Glee Club." "We're doing this in front of the entire school." "And, yes," "Penny the school nurse will be in attendance." "(gasps) Now, if you'll excuse me," "I'm gonna go guarantee a sold-out show." "How are you gonna do that?" "The same way Gaga would:" "by recruiting some Little Monsters." "(school bell rings) SAM:" "Hey, Becky." "Wait up." "I need your help with something." "Bug off." "I don't do handles." "What?" "Uh, no." "That's not what I meant." "Just stop for a second, okay?" "Look." "I know what your deal is:" "on the outside, you pretend to be Katy, but... inside your soul is pure Gaga." "What are you talking about?" "Lady Gaga." "Who?" "Katy Perry?" "The governor of Texas?" "Okay, I..." "Never mind." "Listen." "Just trust me." "We're putting on a huge show in Glee Club, and I need you to get the word out to all the McKinley Monsters, okay?" "All right, fine." "Whatever." "I'll do it if you just shut up!" "(groans)" "That was rude." "So, Santana showed me Starchild's amazing audition video," "Ah." "And she said that you passed on him because you didn't want to share the "lavender limelight" with anyone." "Rachel, it's a band, all right?" "If I was afraid of sharing the limelight with someone," "I would do a solo show at the Duplex about my obsession with Broadway divas." "Why did you do that?" "You know, he's really something special." "(sighs) Like I said before, Starchild's look, it's just too... edgy, I-it's too out there." "It's-it's not what I want for this band." "Okay, and what is that, exactly?" "I don't know." "Mainstream acceptance and success, for once." "Look, I've been doing this "weirdo, quirky, fabulous," ""outrageous, sidekick, best friend" thing for a while now, and it hasn't gotten me very far." "It got you to New York, it got you into NYADA." "Does that give me financial security?" "A mass audience?" "A song on the radio?" "Since when is that what you want?" "Maybe since I moved to New York and saw one of my friends book a Broadway show and another one, a national commercial." "Look, Rachel, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be that thing that everyone likes, that thing that everyone wants to see and hear and that doesn't offend or challenge anyone." "No, that's not you." "You're way more specific." "Which is code for fringe, which is code for unsuccessful, which is code for, "You'll never make it in the big leagues, kid." "Stop trying."" "I know it's not my band, so I'm not gonna tell you what to do." "But as your best friend and your biggest fan, what I love the most about you is that you don't try to do or be what anyone else is doing, okay?" "You make your own path." "(sighs)" "It's so hard sometimes." "I know." "But it's gonna be worth it in the long run, I promise you." "Your brand, it's gonna be huge." "Look at Madonna." "She was performing in the East Village, and then she was on the Super Bowl, okay?" "That's gonna be you..." "I know it." "You are a true talent, Kurt, but I think, you know, that Starchild might be as well." "And, luckily, it might not be too late for you to call him back." "I wish." "I... don't even have his phone number." "Or his real name." "I'm so excited for this weekend." "Me, too." "I was thinking we could add a little edge to it." "Okay." "Oh, I know!" "Mm-hmm?" "I can get us some John Mayer tickets." "He's supposed to be amazing live." "Uh, well, I'm-I'm sure he is, but..." "Yeah, it'll be fun." "Can't wait." "Mwah." "Well, well, look at these two cuties." "Jake, I just wanted to mention that the Cheerios!" "Are working on something big and could really use your silky smooth dance moves that make an awkward attempt at combining hip-hop and ballet." "You're the best dancer in this hellhole, and I need you to help me choreograph a number." "Thanks, Bree, but I'm not really a choreographer." "Babe, no, you should do it." "You love it and you're so good at that." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Okay, sure." "Why not?" "I'm in." "Bad-ass." "I'll text you rehearsal dates." "'Kay." "Thanks." "Bye." "(chuckles)" "And a fun fact:" "the name "Ohio" originates from the Iroquois word" ""ohi-yo'," meaning "good river."" "SUE:" "Attention, McKinley idiots." "Here are your morning announcements that I didn't do earlier because I was busy publicly breast-feeding my baby at Starbucks." "Once again, it's flea and tick season." "Please be sure to thoroughly inspect your overly hormonal, acne-riddled bodies." "(discordant notes playing)" "BECKY:" "I am one of Mother Monster's devoted disciples, and I command you to open your laptops immediately." "(discordant notes playing over P.A. system)" "(loud booing on video)" "(techno beat starts)" "I don't understand this video!" "(music winds down, stops)" "Th..." "I mean, it's just a little teaser video you know, to get everybody psyched for our Gaga performance." "It's at 3:30." "Uh, I saw." "(chuckles)" "So, are you gonna come?" "I can't." "I'm getting a new piercing." "What?" "Where?" "Oh!" "On my ear." "Oh, well, th... cool." "That's... yeah." "That's weird, you know, 'cause I was actually planning on getting multiple ear piercings this weekend." "We should do it together." "That way, you know, you could catch our show today." "You know, 'cause it's gonna be really crazy, like Gaga crazy." "Especially me, you know, 'cause I'm all totally edgy and stuff." " Mmm." " So?" "What do you say?" "Yes?" "No?" "Yes?" " Yes?" "Yes?" " Sure." "Okay." "I'm thinking of lions and tigers." "We'll unleash them from the zoo." "Now, that's "Roar."" "I want to whip the audience and make them our slaves." "Let's reenact a baby's birth onstage!" "Ooh, we can float in giant plastic bags of amniotic fluid." "Puckerman!" "Are you awake?" "We've been at this for five hours." "And we'll be at it five more hours until we come up with the perfect idea." "Okay." "Later." "Where do you think you're going?" "To the dance studio." "I'm helping the Cheerios with some choreography." "Who talked you into doing that?" "Let me guess." "(mockingly):" "Bree." "She is the most vile human being on this planet." "And, yes, I know that is saying something, coming from me." "(school bell rings) Marley." "I'm not saying that Jake's on the verge of cheating, but I'm not not saying it." "Like my Aunt Felicia always says, a tiger can't change his stripes." "Especially when that tiger's a man slut." "Jake's not like that." "Not anymore." "(sighs)" "I know he loves you and you love him, but that was pre-Bree." "That girl is poison." "She is whack like crack, a penis flytrap, Marley." "She will chew him up." "♪ Preach. ♪" "(techno dance music playing) One, two, three, four, five, six..." "Great." "What am I supposed to do?" "I'm not like that." "I'm not that kind of girl." "This is your week to fight back." "You need to go full Gaga and show them both that you can be hardcore, too." "I'm not gonna get paranoid about Jake." "Either he wants to be with the real me or he can go." "BECKY:" "Bring the edge!" "Entertain me!" "Entertain me!" "Uh, Becky, Becky, sit down." "All right." "Thank you." "(up-tempo intro plays)" "♪" "♪ I stand here waiting ♪" "♪ For you to bang the gong ♪" "♪ To crash the critic saying ♪" "♪ "Is it right or is it wrong?" ♪" "♪ If only fame had ♪" "♪ An I.V., baby, could I bear ♪" "♪ Being away from you ♪" "♪ I found the vein, put it in here ♪" "♪ I live for the applause ♪" "♪ Applause, applause ♪" "♪ I live for the applause-plause ♪" "♪ Live for the applause-plause ♪" "♪ Live for the way ♪" "♪ That you cheer and scream for me ♪" "♪ The applause, applause ♪" "♪ Applause ♪" "♪ Give me that thing I love, I'll turn the lights on ♪" "♪ Put your hands up, make it real loud ♪" "♪ Give me that thing I love, I'll turn the lights on ♪" "♪ Put your hands up, make it real loud ♪" "♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E ♪" "♪ Make it real loud, put your hands up ♪" "♪ A-P-P ♪" "♪ L-A-U-S-E ♪ ♪ Make it real loud ♪" "♪ Put your hands up ♪" "♪ Ooh... ♪" "♪ Touch, touch ♪" "♪ Ooh, hoo ♪" "♪ Touch, touch ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ I live for the applause, applause, applause ♪" "♪ I live for the applause-plause ♪" "♪ Live for the applause-plause, live for the ♪" "♪ Way that you cheer and scream for me ♪" "♪ The applause, applause" "♪ Applause ♪" "♪ Give me that thing I love ♪" "♪ I'll turn the lights on ♪" "♪ Put your hands up, make it real loud ♪" "♪ Give me that thing I love ♪" "♪ I'll turn the lights on ♪" "♪ Put your hands up, make it real loud ♪" "♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E ♪ Make it real loud ♪" "♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E ♪ ♪ Make it real loud ♪" "♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E ♪ ♪ Make it real loud ♪" "♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E ♪" "♪ A-R-T-P-O-P. ♪" "(applause, whooping)" "What happened to the seashell bikini?" "I wasn't comfortable." "Well, get over yourself..." "you think I'm just comfortable up here with no shirt on!" "Yeah, you probably are." "Well, I'm not exactly loving this giant white thing that keeps getting caught in my wheels." "Yeah, and I look like Siegfried and Roy, and I still did it." "It was the assignment." "Okay, I'm sorry, you guys, but I am who I am, and I'm not gonna change that for any number" " or any guy." " WILL:" "Marley, we're all trying to win a championship here, as a team, but you put your personal agenda above that." "I'm sorry, but... you're suspended for the rest of the week." "Oh, snap!" "Are you freaking kidding me?" "You just see what they did." "I have literally giving you..." "This is not going to work." " Stop it." " Guys, we need to focus!" "It is now the day of, and we still don't have a strong plan for this Katy song, and I think" " it's pretty obvious what the problem is." " Uh, because we're a bunch of Gagas trying to out-Katy the Katys who just did a Gaga song featuring Marley as Katy?" "Besides, we did have a plan, but King Latifah dropped the ball." "Uh-uh." "Let me auto-correct that for you." "I tried breaking into the zoo to get us live tigers." "Plot twist:" "Lima doesn't have a zoo!" "Why'd we think it did?" "But I did get us a lion costume to make up for it." "Didn't I?" "(heavy sigh)" "I'm really not okay with this." "Guys, the real problem is, we're thinking gimmicks and spectacle, and, yes, both Katy and Gaga share that, but... what people love about Katy's music is it's fun and kind and real and girl-next-door." "We need to strip it down." "No costumes, no special effects, no gimmicks..." "just the music." "Seriously," "I look like a gay Thundercat." "Hello." "Welcome to the Spotlight." "I'm Kurt, I'll be your Chorus Boy waiter today." "Could I start you off with one of our signature Orange Freezes?" "First, uh, can I ask you something?" "Is this toned down enough?" "Oh, my God..." "Starchild." "(chuckles) It's Elliot Gilbert, actually." "(laughs quietly)" "Do you have a minute to talk?" "Yeah, I-I'm taking an intermission." "Okay, uh, that's how we say." ""I'm taking a break" here." "We have to say it that way, otherwise we get fined." "Mm." "Uh, I'm so happy to see you." "I've been trying to find you since your audition." "Yeah, same." "Uh, hence my stalking you." "(chuckles) So, I'm just gonna come right out and say this." "Uh..." "I need to be in your band." "I mean, I came to New York to be in your band." "Something cool and fun and-and special." "Well, here's hopin'." "Um, came from where?" "Uh, if you say Ohio, I'm gonna die." "Paramus, New Jersey." "Land of malls." "Oh." "As soon as I was old enough," "I used to take New Jersey Transit into the city to see shows and concerts and go to museums." "So I only applied to colleges in New York." " Oh, do you go to NYADA, too?" " No." "NYU." "Oh." "I... didn't get in to NYADA." " Yeah?" " But it's cool." "I mean, I'm doing things all over the city, and one of the things on my artist's bucket list is to be in an indie band." "So, if..." "Starchild's too much for you..." "I can be whoever you want." "(chuckles) I just wanted to make an impression." "You did." "And after a lot of soul-searching," "I've come to the conclusion that the greatest chance for my band and my-my brand to be successful is to surround myself with the best people." "And although there wasn't much of it, you blew the competition away." "(laughs) So I can audition again?" "No." "You're in." "As Elliot Gilbert, as Starchild, or someone in between." "Whoever you want to be." "SANTANA:" "Intermission's over." "And you have a fiancé, so stop flirting." "Santana, this is Elliot Gilbert," "AKA Starchild." "Oh, well, hot damn!" "(chuckles)" "And I hope the newest member of our band." "(school bell ringing)" "Hey, uh, you disappeared after our show." "What'd you think?" "Mmm... well, I really liked the part where the girl got suspended." "No, I... about our... what'd you think about our number?" "I didn't hate it." "Okay, I kind of did." "But it's nothing against you, though." "Lady Gaga just isn't my thing." "She's just too dark for me." "I thought you said you had a musical dark side." "I lied." "My exes have musical dark sides." "Ever since preschool, people have said, sure, Penny Owen has beautiful, wavy, sun-kissed hair, but she's just so vanilla." "So I started dating bad boys, and bad boys can be fun until they steal your heart, and your car, and everything out of your dorm." "I'm done with bad boys." "And my favorite artists are mainstream singer-songwriters, like Carrie Underwood, Bruno Mars and Katy Perry." "Me, too!" "Oh, my gosh, I am so not a Gaga." "Oh!" "I love Katy Perry." "I'm such a Katy." "Oh, it just feels so good to say it out loud." "I..." "I also still like the Jonas Brothers." " I still like the Biebs." " No." "You know, Katy Perry's going on tour next year." "You want to hit up a concert with me, if she ever comes to Ohio?" "Uh, y... sure, yeah, sure, yeah." "Uh, but why wait a year?" "Some of the Glee Club are doing a Katy jam today." "Oh, yeah, that could be..." "Ooh, my gosh, Sam, calm down." "♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ Yeah I was in the dark ♪" "♪ I was falling hard ♪" "♪ With an open heart ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ How did I read the stars so wrong?" "♪" "♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ And now it's clear to me that everything you see ♪" "♪ Ain't always what it seems, I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ Yeah, I was dreaming for so long ♪" "♪ I wish I knew then ♪" "♪ What I know now ♪" "♪ Wouldn't dive in ♪" "♪ Wouldn't bow down ♪" "♪ Gravity hurts ♪" "♪ You made it so sweet ♪" "♪ Till I woke up ♪" "♪ On, on the concrete ♪" "♪ Falling from ♪" "♪ Cloud nine ♪" "♪ Falling down ♪" "♪ Crashing from the high... ♪" "♪ Falling, falling ♪" "♪ I'm letting go ♪" "♪ Tonight ♪" "♪ Yeah, I'm falling from ♪" "♪ Cloud nine ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ Not losing any sleep ♪" "♪ I picked up every piece ♪" "♪ And landed on my feet ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ Need nothing to complete ♪" "♪ Myself ♪" "♪ No ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ Yeah, I am born again ♪" "♪ Out of the lion's den ♪" "♪ I don't have to pretend ♪" "♪ And it's too late ♪" "♪ The story's over now ♪" "♪ The end... ♪" "♪ The end ♪" "♪ I wish I knew then ♪" "♪ What I know now ♪" "♪ Wouldn't dive in ♪" "♪ Wouldn't bow down ♪" "♪ Gravity hurts ♪" "♪ You made it so sweet ♪" "♪ Till I woke up ♪" "♪ On, on the concrete ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake ♪ ♪ Thunder rumble ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ Castles crumble ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ I am trying to hold on ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ God knows ♪" "♪ That I tried ♪ ♪ I'm wide awake ♪" "♪ Seeing the bright side ♪" "♪ And I'm not blind anymore ♪" "♪ I'm falling ♪" "♪ From cloud nine ♪" "♪ It was out of the blue ♪" "♪ I'm crashing from the high... ♪" "♪ Now I'm letting go ♪" "♪ Tonight... ♪" "(whooping)" "♪ I'm falling from ♪" "♪ Cloud nine ♪" "♪ I'm wide awake. ♪" "(song ends)" "(sighs)" "JAKE:" "Well, I haven't seen a Katy this sad since the Russell Brand breakup scene in Part of Me." "I know." "I'm sorry." "I just can't believe I wasn't allowed in there to watch your performance." "I've never been suspended before." "I've never even been in trouble for anything." "Well, I have." "Plenty, actually." "Yeah, but..." "Hey, listen, why don't you come over after school today?" "Okay?" "We'll do something fun." "My mom has Mary Poppins on DVD." "(chuckles)" "Thank you." "Okay, I'll go home and change first." "No, don't." "I'm kind of digging this whole Katy vibe." "Seriously?" "Even the wig?" "Especially the wig." "Oh And my mom's working a double shift, so she won't be home until way, way late." "Um, sure." "(grunts) Jake, stop." "(sighs)" "Can we have an honest conversation about this?" "The whole point to being boyfriend/girlfriend is that we hang out and spend all this time together so that we can appreciate and trust each other." "I totally appreciate and trust you." "And what better place is there to explore certain aspects of ourselves than here?" "Are you telling me that the only reason you hang out with me and all that is just so I'll let you touch my boobs?" "What?" "No." "No, no." "Of course not." "But I feel like you won't even consider it." "Like you don't care that it's bumming me out." "Well, what do you want me to do?" "I just don't want to be pressured into doing something I don't want to do!" "Who is pressuring you, Marley?" "I have been the most patient." "The most understanding." "I mean, I used to stop calling a girl if she didn't let me in her pants after six hours." "Ugh!" "Then go be with one of those girls!" "Go!" "Have fun!" "(sighs)" "Hey." "Do you... want to go somewhere?" "Where?" "Someplace... private." "Really private." "A private part of the school?" "I like private parts." "Is your girlfriend going to be there?" "Do you want to go or not?" "(chuckles)" "I'll get my coat." "We'll need something to lay on the ground." "I don't want to get grass stains on my uniform." "What if we name our band the Nipslips?" "Boob lovers of all genders will show up for sure." "Um, it worked for the Barenaked Ladies." " And they were guys." " Sure, we'll just call ourselves the Areolas." "Nope." "Areola 51..." "get the sci-fi geeks." "I was being sarcastic." "No, you were actually just being the No-bot." "How 'bout you pitch something instead of shooting down everything that we're coming up with?" "Okay, I don't have it yet." "But I'll know it when I hear it." "(sighs) (door slides open)" "SANTANA:" "Oh, yo, girl." "How was rehearsal?" "It was sad." "I sang "My Man" all day, which was kind of depressing." "Aw." "We have comfort food if you want a slice." "No, I'm good." "What are you guys doing?" "Beating our heads up against the wall trying to come up with a name for our band that pleases the queen." "(chuckles) Why don't you call yourselves..." "Pamela Lansbury?" "No..." "I was kidding." "Rachel, you're a genius." "A band with the raw sex appeal of Pamela Anderson and the quiet dignity of Angela Lansbury." "Mm-hmm." "Okay, now you have to join." "No, I can't." "I told you." "Rachel, I'm serious, okay?" "No more Funny Girl excuses." "When Barbra was doing Fanny, she still had time to sing for the President and Ladybird Johnson, pose for the cover of Tim magazine, and sing "Happy Days Are Here Again"" "to adoring nightclub audiences all around the country." "Now, you can do this." "Okay, you had me at Ladybird Johnson." "Yes!" "(everyone cheering)" " Yay!" " Yeah!" "Okay." "Okay." "Let's get to work." "And that's why math and music will be friends to the end." "(door opens) You guys!" "Throat Explosion just tweeted out that they're doing "Applause" as one of their Nationals numbers!" "So?" "Big deal." "We'll just do another Lady Gaga song." "They're mocking us." "They're saying they're so confident they're gonna win, they're even gonna give us a little head start by telling us what their set list is." "Seriously!" "We should just forfeit now." "Guys, guys!" "Just calm down." "So our completion is good, so was Vocal Adrenaline." "And the Warblers." "And thank God for that." "If there's anything we can learn from this week's lesson, it's that other people's greatness makes our greatness even greater." "Gaga and Katy, they push each other to try harder, to get better, to be bolder." "At the end of the day, all of the friendly competition between those two just means more really amazing music for all of us." "I mean, I hope Throat Explosion is unstoppable, because then we know we have to be unstoppable too." "You think he had that in mind all week, or did he just make it up on the spot?" "What are you talking about?" "Mr. Shuester's a genius." "This week, we saw what it was like to face our weaknesses and turn them into strengths..." "we split up." "But now, for our last number, we are going to come together as one unified group." "Oh... please let it be another Journey song." "(laughs) There's gotta be one left." "(laughing)" "Hello, Glee Club." " Hi, William." " Sue." "You know, I was sitting in my office organizing my collection of custom-made bobble heads of my sworn enemies, and just to the right of Henry Kissinger and Drake, well, I saw your hair helmet just bobbling up and down" "and I realized, well, I haven't marched in here and brought down the hammer in way too long." "You're all suspended for a week." "What?" "Wait, Sue, you can't..." "I can do that and I just did it, William." "There are rules about what kids can wear to school and these rejects from the cutting room floor of a Tod Browning movie are in violation of each and every one of them." "Okay, what rules?" "I mean, the Glee Club has been walking around in costumes for four years." "Well, that was BS:" ""Before Sue."" "One week suspension, starting now." "Sue, look it, look... we have four weeks to prepare for Nationals." "Right." "We can't afford to lose one of them." "You said yourself you wanted us to win." "No, I said you have to win to remain a club." "I don't actually want you to win, William." "Are you seriously starting up this feud again?" "Oh, it never ended, William." "It's been hibernating like a polar bear in winter." "You know, Sue, the problem with this war is that I always seem to find a way to win it." "Oh..." "Yeah." "Every time." "And I wouldn't plan on that changing." "Well, I am principal." "Which means there's only one of us with an atomic bomb." " Bring it on, Sue." " It is well brung." "Yet again." "It is brung." "Fine... but you better get ready to hear the New Directions!" "Roar." "Three, four!" "(Katy Perry's "Roar" begins)" "Even though I don't know your names, you band geeks are suspended, too." "♪ I used to bite my tongue ♪" "♪ And hold my breath ♪" "♪ Scared to rock the boat and make a mess ♪" "♪ So I sat quietly ♪" "♪ Agreed politely ♪" "♪ I guess that I forgot I had a choice ♪" "♪ I let you push me past the breaking point ♪" "♪ I stood for nothing ♪" "♪ So I fell for everything ♪" "♪ You held me down, but I got up ♪" "♪ Already brushing off the dust ♪" "♪ You hear my voice, you hear that sound ♪" "♪ Like thunder, gonna shake your ground ♪" "♪ You held me down, but I got up ♪" "♪ Get ready 'cause I've had enough ♪" "♪ I see it all, I see it now ♪" "♪ I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter ♪" "♪ Dancing through the fire ♪" "♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪" "♪ And you're gonna hear me roar ♪" "♪ Louder ♪" "♪ Louder than a lion ♪" "♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪" "♪ And you're gonna hear me roar ♪" "♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ You're gonna hear me roar ♪" "♪ Now I'm floating like a butterfly ♪" "♪ Singing like a bee, I earned my stripes ♪" "♪ I went from zero ♪" "♪ To my own hero ♪" "♪ You held me down, but I got up ♪" "♪ Already brushing off the dust ♪" "♪ You hear my voice, you hear that sound ♪" "♪ Like thunder, gonna shake your ground ♪" "♪ You held me down, but I got up ♪" "♪ Back up..." "I had enough ♪ Get ready 'cause I've had enough ♪" "♪ I've seen it all, I see it now ♪" "♪ I got the eye of the tiger ♪" "♪ A fighter ♪" "♪ Dancing through the fire ♪" "♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪" "♪ And you're gonna hear me roar ♪" "♪ Louder ♪" "♪ Louder than a lion ♪" "♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪" "♪ And you're gonna hear me roar!" "♪" "♪" "♪ Roar, roar, roar, roar ♪" "♪ Roar ♪" "♪ I got the eye of the tiger ♪" "♪ A fighter, dancing through the fire ♪" "♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪" "♪ And you're gonna hear me roar ♪" "♪ Louder, louder than a lion ♪" "♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪" "♪ And you're gonna hear me roar ♪" "♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ Yeah ♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ You're gonna hear me roar!" "♪" "♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ Hear me roar ♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ Oh, yeah ♪" "♪ You're gonna hear me roar!" "♪"