"Hold the elevator!" "Oh." "Oh, my God, Ben!" "It is so good to see you." "And how good do you smell?" "What is that?" "Eau de delicious?" "You two know each other, right?" "We've met." "Kayla." "Ben." "So how come you and little Emma never come to our play group?" " "Play" what?" " Play nothing." "It's nothing." "Sondra, please stop talking." "It's not nothing." "It's the best thing ever!" "We meet twice a week at Kayla's." "Oh!" "You meet twice a week at Kayla's, do you?" "Yeah, every parent in the neighborhood brings their kids, and they're all becoming such good friends." "It's so cute!" " Really?" "All the kids in the neighborhood?" "Oh, look!" "Here's your floor." "Oh, I think I'll just keep going up." "So maybe we'll see you at the next play group?" " It's this afternoon." "Here's a flyer." "It would be so good for Emma." "And you and I should totally get together sometime." "I keep meaning to tell you there's this one place... and we can go downstairs... so Kayla, how you been?" "Good?" "Good." "I was just thinking maybe it's time we put our little feud behind us." "It was just so darn silly, wasn't it?" "Ben, you and your degenerate roommates broke into my kid's room while he was sleeping and stole his favorite toy." "Which in hindsight was not one of my proudest moments." "However, what do you say we don't take it out on Emma?" "She is just a baby." "You're right." "I guess the poor thing has enough strikes against her with you as a role model." "So you'll let us into..." "Wait." "Are you saying I'm a bad dad?" "Yeah, pretty much." "* It's amazing how the unexpected *" "* Can take your life and change direction. *" "Take that shot." "Yes!" "Three points!" "Damn it." "I think Vanessa and I just broke up again." "All caps." "Didn't you just get back together?" "Dude, how do you even keep track?" "Oh, well, it is all right here in this little..." "Oh my God." "I just deleted our history." "Whatever, she'll break up with me again tomorrow." "It's fine." "Knock knock!" "Oh, hey, babe." "Oh, my God, Danny." "You're not ready." "Why aren't you ready?" "You said you would be ready and you are not ready." "Ready for what?" "For what?" "Are you kidding me?" "Okay, please say you're kidding me." "How could you forget?" "I didn't forget." "Oh, really?" "What are we doing?" "Ha!" "See you forgot too." "We are meeting my sister for lunch." " Oh, I'm sorry." "I just need two seconds." "That's outta bounds, ref!" "Come on!" "Okay." "You know what, Danny?" "If you don't wanna go, then don't go." "That'd be great." "What just happened?" "I think she just cleared your history." "Dude, go after her!" "Even I know that." " Right." "Oh, yes!" "Overtime!" "Wow." "Oh, yeah yeah!" "Amy!" "Wait!" "Okay, Emma." "Time to go to the park and watch grandma pretend to be a Swedish nanny who doesn't speak English." "Oh, men are so simple." "Okay." "First of all, that Amy has a very colorful vocabulary." "And second, did you know that Kayla, the mini meanie in 5-D, is secretly hosting a play group?" "Oh, my God!" "Have you called homeland security?" "!" "Mom!" "All the kids in the neighborhood have been invited except for Emma." "All the kids?" "Every one of them." "So she's only excluding Emma?" "Just our little girl." "Okay, that is totally unfair!" "Now you're mad, aren't ya?" "Yeah!" "Oh, my God, you guys." "This is totally like boy scouts all over again." "Look, I had to use my mom's scarf and make my own badges." "Okay, well, obviously..." "We have to do something." "I was thinking maybe we could just sneak Emma in and tell Kayla that you're new in the neighborhood." " Oh." " Oh, yeah." "Yeah yeah, that's good, that's good." "What do I do?" "Uh, you're not part of the plan." "I'm excluded again?" "Where does it end?" "!" "This..." "Okay, Ben, but won't Kayla recognize Emma?" "We'll just slap a bow on her and call her Esmerelda." "They all more or less look alike." "What book you read that in?" ""What to expect when you're an idiot."" "But she said, "if you don't wanna go, then don't go."" "Which actually means" ""get your lazy ass off the couch and go."" "Then why didn't she just say that?" "Wouldn't it be easier to just say what you mean?" "Oh, my God, no." "Okay, here's the problem:" "If we ask you outright, you think we're nagging." "But if we don't say anything at all, then nothing would ever get done." "So we have created a language all our own." "It's called "girl."" "And I suggest you learn how to speak it." "Is it like French?" "Because I le failed that three times in high school." "Well, at least there's one woman who can motivate you to put on pants and leave the house." "Amy, hi!" "Riley was just teaching me how to make sense of what you say." "No, I wasn't." "Are you saying you need Riley to explain what I say to you?" "No." "You're not mad, are you?" "Please don't be mad." "No, of course not." "Why would I be mad?" "Oh, good." "She's mad." "Okay, um, I'm gonna go." "So he's all yours." "Amy, please don't be upset." "I'm trying, I really am." "I know you are." "So how about we go out for a romantic night on the town?" "Whatever you wanna do." "Maybe we could go salsa dancing." "That'd be so fun." "Ohh." "Dancing." "How about I just make you the salsa instead?" "Right." "Right." "Yeah." "Whatever you wanna do." "Mm-hmm." "I'm sensing that means whatever you wanna do." "Turns out that Riley really knows what she's talking about." " Huh, Esmerelda?" " Yeah." "That is such an..." "Interesting name." "I'm sorry, I don't think we've officially met." "I'm Kayla." "Oh, Kayla." "I'm Bonnie Wheel..." "Chohovitzstein." "Esmerelda and I, we just moved in across the way." "You know, I have to say," "Esmerelda looks a little familiar to me." "Oh." "Oh, really?" "Because, um, you don't look familiar to her at all." "Although, you guys should really get to know each other." "You could share clothes." "Funny." "Uh, so, Bonnie, what do you do?" "Uh, me?" "Umm..." "I'm... a rockette." "Oh, my God!" "You're a rockette?" "!" "So was I." "Really?" "Uh-huh." "You must know Jennifer and Monica." "Oh, my God." "Totally do." "But I wouldn't tell them that you saw me." "They're getting fired." "Mom, I got your text." "What's wrong?" "I think our cover's blown." "One of those play group biddies made me." "Why didn't you just leave?" "Well, I tried." "But she's got childproof locks everywhere." "I was stuck in the bathroom for 20 minutes." "But aren't these soaps adorable?" "Look at 'em." "They're like tiny shells." "Mom, relax." "There is no way that Kayla is ever gonna know that Emma's my kid." "Ben." "Well, I guess that's one way." "Oh, these aren't your soaps." "They're gum." "There you go, sweetie." "So we'll see the two of you at two." "Bring your babies and your sense of wonder." "And do not be late or you may miss the amazing..." "Tuckdini!" "Ohh." "You'll also be amazed at what I can make..." "Disappear." "Oh, I'm gonna need that back." "That's $18 at the magic shop." "Okay, so what the hell do you think you're doing?" "Somebody just shoved this under my door." "Oh, you know, what any good dad would do." "Just trying to help his little girl make some friends." "And introduce them to the wonderful world of magic..." "Magic magic magic..." "But you're doing it at the exact same time as my play group." " Oh, am I?" " With all the same people." "Oh, are they?" "Everyone is calling to cancel!" "Ohh, that is unfortunate." "I hope it doesn't have anything to do with the Margarita machine, the sandwich bar or the great Tuckdini." "Aww, a hanky for your tears?" "Uh... oh, my God." "Ha ha!" "Oh, my God oh, my..." "Ready?" "Here we go." "Quick quick, slow." "Quick quick, slow." "Quick quick, slow." "Which part is quick and which part is slow?" "All of them." "You just gotta listen to the beat." "Which beat?" "There is only one." "Okay, you know what?" "Um, you just gotta loosen up your hips a little bit." "Right?" "Quick quick, slow." "Quick quick, slow." "Okay, so maybe you should tighten up your hips a little bit." "This is impossible." " No, here, let's just keep... ohh!" "Ohh!" " Okay!" " Hey!" "Ha ha!" "A little Latin beat." "Don't do it, don't do it." "Oh!" " Very nice!" " Spin?" "Oh, in." " Down." " Ohh!" "Okay!" "Aww!" "All right!" "All right, all right!" "That's it!" "Keep it up, and I'm putting all the food on the top shelf." " Ohh!" " Okay!" "Well, you better figure out your rhythm of the night pretty quick..." "Because my baby is throwing her first party." "This place is about to be crawling with..." "Well, babies." "Yeah." "And I still need to go to the park, so I can catch something I can call a rabbit." "All right." "Actually," "I have a different idea." "Okay, let's try this." "It will be easier for you to follow me if you have no choice." "All right?" "So let's pretend I'm like your training wheels." "Comfortable?" "All right." "Quick quick, slow." "Quick quick, slow." "Quick quick, slow." "There you go!" "Danny, you're doing great." "Quick... oh oh!" "Okay, Danny, are you... oh, my God!" "Danny, Riley?" "!" "Amy, it's not what it looks like!" "We're just dancing." "Danny Wheeler..." "I never wanna see you again." "Do you want me to translate that for you?" "No." "I think I got it." "Thank you for coming." "Bye-bye now." "This was so much fun!" "Okay." "Oh, my God." "That was brutal." "Was that play group or a plot to kill me?" "Okay, that was the worst two hours of my life." "We should have filmed that and sold it as a P.S.A. For birth control." "Well, I hope Emma had a good time." "Because my wand sure didn't!" "Oh, and I don't even wanna tell you what I found in my top hat." "Okay, as a mother, I hate to admit this, but oh, my God, mothers are horrible!" "How do you put up with us?" "And all that breast-feeding!" "I can't believe that they ruined boobs for me." "Boobs, people!" "Yes, they were all pretty obnoxious." "But we have to put up with them for Emma." "God, I just wish there was a way we could get rid of that Sondra." "She is definitely the worst of the worst." ""Oh, my God, is this not just the cutest?" "You're cute, I'm cute." "Everything's just so cute!"" "You know what's not cute?" "You!" "Sorry we're so awful and you hate us so much!" "No!" "Sondra, please." "I can explain." "Explain?" "What's there to explain?" "Do you know what these are, Ben?" "They're ears." "And they heard you loud and clear." "And now, I'm gonna make sure all the other parents hear you loud and clear too." "We are never coming back here." "Ever!" "You know, now that I think of it..." "There might be somebody in the bathroom." "The bar is closed and I'm still pouring." "Get it, get it!" " Oh!" " Oh oh!" "Oh!" "You're really good at that." " You know what you're really good at?" " What?" "It's a secret." "Okay." "I'm gonna go sit down now." "Okay." "So, what are we gonna toast to this time?" "How about..." "My inbalility..." "To have a normal relationship with Vanessa?" "Can anyone else not feel their tongue?" "We already drank to that!" "Like five times." "How about we drink to Amy?" "The greatest girl in the world who will probably never talk to me again." "That was my fault." "We should toast to Emma, who thanks to her idiot father, is now gonna be a social outcast for the rest of her life." "To the idiot father!" " Yeah!" " Thank you, thank you." "You're all an inspiration, yeah." " Oh!" "Whoa!" " You know what?" "You people are losers." "But it doesn't have to stay like that." "'Cause you just gotta get out there, and you gotta seize..." "What was I just saying?" " Oh, the day!" " Ohh." "You gotta seize the day." "'Cause we're not the kind of people that stuff happens to." "We're the kind of people that make stuff happen." "We're stuff happeners." "Damn right." " Hear hear!" " Damn right." "So you get out there and you fight for Emma." "Who cares what Kayla thinks of you?" "You're an amazing dad." "Thank you." "And can't just let Amy get away." " Huh?" " No!" "You gotta prove that she's the only one for you!" "You know?" "Go big or go home!" "Can you do that?" "I can do it." "Because I'm big." "And I've got my address in my cellphone." "Wait wait wait." "Wait." "What about me?" "What should I do about Vanessa?" "You should just dump her already." "Everybody hates her." "To dumping Vanessa!" "Ooh, what about this one?" "It's a dove with flames for wings." "Or is the dove on fire?" "Oh, my God." "This heart's on fire too." "Everything in this book is on fire!" "No flames." "I think I'm just gonna get "Amy" on my wrist." "That way she'll know I'm really committed." "You think this is a good idea, right?" "Totally." "Yes." "It's like the most romantic thing ever." "Oh, what about a skull with a snake?" "All right." "Ready to do this?" "This isn't gonna hurt, is it?" "Is this gonna hurt?" "Yeah, something tells me you won't be feeling any pain." "Maybe you should wait in the other room." "Yeah, Riley." "I don't think you can handle what's about to go down in here." "This is man stuff." "Yeah, that was just the swab." "Ohh!" "Mom's sleeping." "Shh." "That was the loudest shush I've ever heard." "You're the loudest shush I've ever heard." " What does that even mean?" "!" " I don't know!" "It means you should be out scarfing chili dogs like regular drunks!" "Chili dogs!" "That's what we were gonna get!" "I love you." "Oh, my God." " Watch out!" " Ooh!" "Oh, my..." "You know what?" "Riley was right." "This ends now." "Kayla!" "I just want everyone to know..." " Shh." " That Kayla in 5-D is a bad mom!" "She excluded my little girl from joining her stupid play group." "Shh!" "Shh!" "I'm calling Vanessa and I'm gonna give her a mind of my piece." "And it's all your fault that every other mommy in this building hates me now!" "Hey, is it too mean to break up with someone over a voice-mail?" "Oh, crap!" "That's what I just did." "Ben, it is 3:00 in the morning." "Get in here!" "I'm not making out with another cop for you." "No!" "I'm not getting in there." "I've got a lot more to say!" "Fine." "But I hope you have an umbrella." " Umbrella?" " That's funny." "Oh, my God!" "Mom!" "No, mom!" "Mom!" " Please!" " Mom!" "I hope that's officer Gary." "He's got a cloudy eye, but he's a good kisser." "Oh." "Hi, Kayla." "What is your lunatic son doing?" "He has to stop screaming those things about me." "Hmm, the truth hurts, doesn't it, tinker bell?" "I'm not a bad mom." "Really?" "Because a good mom wouldn't exclude a little girl from a play group." "That's at least a pretty insensitive mom in my book." "Mom!" "Shut up, Ben!" "Hey, listen, mom to mom here, okay?" "We both know that there isn't anything that we wouldn't do for our kids." "And sometimes that means putting up with a parent that you don't like." "Heck, I hate all of Ben and Danny's friends' parents, and they hate me!" "We're fine with that." "That's what we do!" "We make sacrifices for our kids." "And Ben is just like any other parent." "He just wants Emma to be happy." "Fine, Ben and Emma can come to my play group." "Thank you." "Now do you need help getting back upstairs, or will your little fairy wings take you there?" "Ooh, maybe this will help." "Good night, Ben!" " No!" " Mom!" " No!" " Why?" "!" "So should we talk about what happened last night?" "It was raining and freezing." "We had no choice." "It was either spoon or die." "Fine." "Fine." "But we're never talking about it again." "Nope." "Hey, guys." "Crazy night, huh?" "What happened to you?" "You and Riley kinda just disappeared." "I decided to make a bold and decisive move." "I got Amy's name tattooed on my wrist." "W-what?" "!" "Are you serious?" "Did it hurt?" "Not really." "Mainly because I kinda passed out." "I just hopes she likes it." "What do you think?" "Honestly, I don't think Amy's gonna like it." "See?" "She was just teaching me how to dance." "Well, she did a pretty amazing job." "Listen, I'm..." "I'm really sorry I overreacted." "I don't know why I can't shake the thought that..." "You have feelings for Riley." "Me?" "!" "No, that's crazy." "Why would you think that?" "You're right." "I'm just being a girl." "Riley Riley Riley." "I think I just have to get it out of my head." "Yeah, me too."