"Ha ha." "How was I supposed to know?" "He said it was a bean." "Looked like a bean." "I don't know if you're allowed to have a rabbit hutch in a dorm." "Didn't you smell it?" "Something's wrong with you, man." "Hey, guys." "I got nothing to do today." "Can I borrow a movie?" "Yeah." "Huh?" "Sure." "I mean, if you guys don't mind, I don't mind." "Thank you." "You guys..." "I don't mind." "No, I don't mind." "Ooh, wait." "Don't take dead man on campus." "I just watched it last week." "Fine." "How about this one?" "Yeah, that one's good." "Ok." "Wicked." "Ok." "Thanks, guys." "We'll bring it back tomorrow, ok?" "Bye-bye." "Thank you." "That was awesome." "That was pretty cool, I think." "Awesome that was not." "Why not?" "Why wasn't it?" "I've been thinking this may happen for a while, but this is sooner than I thought." "We have become their brothers." "So?" "So I understand, where you're from, being someone's brother may not necessarily eliminate sexual possibilities, but, uh, for ron, myself, and steven, this spells trouble." "No." "It doesn't really spell trouble for me." "Lizzie broke up with eric." "Why aren't you going after her?" "Because she wants her freedom." "Because I want my freedom." "Why focus on one fish in the school when there's tons... be quiet, steven." "You're just afraid of commitment." "That's cool." "All right, how about this:" "I'm exploring my options." "Ok, lizzie, your right hand..." "those are your options." "I don't know why you're laughing, ron." "I got it covered." "Oh, you do?" "Whoa, wait." "Does ron have a secret?" "My name is kelly, and I'll be happy to answer all of your questions, but I will ask that you'll save them till the end of the tour so we can get through this as fast as possible." "Ok, right now, I'm gonna stop here so that we can take a look at this building." "This is one of the oldest buildings on this campus, and it also happens..." "Her name is kelly." "She's got a lot of friends." "She's a student tour guide, you moron." "She tours visitors around the school." "So, uh, introduce us." "I've never actually spoken to her, you know." "But I know everything I need to." "Look, she's cute, she's enthusiastic, she has a good sense of the location of landmarks, you know." "I bet you don't have to worry about picking a dorm, do you?" "'Cause, what, you're in grad school now?" "Look how well she deals with kids." "This has been already the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had." "Ron, take a look at that." "Hi, sweetie." "Um, lizzie was one of my freshman..." "Lizzie's friends with her?" "Oh, no, that's good." "Now you can meet her." "I don't wanna meet her." "Talking'll ruin it." "Right now, she's perfect." "I don't wanna change that image, ok?" "Lizzie!" "God!" "You guys know nothing about women!" "And lizzie's got a lot of friends." "You can see she's adjusting just fine, so, parents, don't worry." "Hey." "Rocking out in the party room?" "Would you care for a free beverage?" "Oh, sure." "Yes, thank you very much." "The guy who stocks the machine went to the bathroom in the middle, so I grabbed out 40 cans." "I've never been in here before." "Is this, like, a regular room?" "Yeah." "It used to be the laundry room, but now they just use it for storage." "There were no rooms left when I registered." "They gave me this." "It sucks." "Sucks it does not." "I pay half the regular rent." "And all I have to do is keep those mops in here and some boxes of that stuff they put on vomit." "Aah." "Yeah, it's hot." "Isn't that awesome?" "I can keep my room 3 to 4 degrees hotter than the rest of the rooms on campus." "It gives the girls a little bit of incentive to de-layer." "You have total recall?" "Totally." "This is the most awesome movie ever made." "The best part is when their space helmets break and the harsh mars atmosphere sucks out their eyes." "And he's all like..." "I love that." "Or when the mutants are suffocating." "And he's all like, "cohaagen, give the people air." "Give the people air."" "Hey, jack." "Hello, perry." "That guy is so old school." "Ok, we get them to play truth or dare with us." "Truth or dare?" "What will that do?" "We'll all work together." "We'll dare each other to do things that make us look good, which will lead to you know what." "I'm talking copulation, marshall." "Are you going for rachel?" "I don't know." "What kind of answer is that, huh?" "I put my time in, man." "You can't just swoop in like some kind of blond peacock." "Look, I'm confused by these feelings, too, marshall." "I don't know what to tell you." "You know what?" "She likes me more, anyway, way more." "Yeah, that's really possible, you know." "Women are difficult to predict." "All right, guys." "See you on friday." "You better call me, ok?" "Rachel's sweet and funny, man." "She's got a huge rack." "So huge." "I love it." "Oh." "Mmm." "What up?" "How you doing?" "She's so horny." "Hey, bro." "Oh, she'd do anything." "Clearly no limit." "Dude, you know I got dibs." "Who the hell were they?" "You know what I think we should do." "It's ridiculous, ron." "We're like their sisters." "We're one step away from getting manicures with them." "Yeah, but it's not too late, see?" "Truth or dare can fix all that." "Why would I wanna have anything to do with this?" "We need an excuse to get them over here." "So we were thinking that you could get lizzie to get everyone to hang out tomorrow night so that you could meet kelly." "Yeah, that is, you know, that's great." "Ok." "While I'm at it, why don't I take the dream image I have of kelly and put it in the toilet and poop all over it?" "No." "Ok?" "No." "Ron, come on, help us out here." "Yeah." "This is gonna benefit all of us, ron." "You're going for rachel, too." "Why are you even doing this, marshall?" "'Cause I'm gonna get her, man." "That's what you don't get, ok?" "I'm telling you, it's not illegal." "Hey, steve, I know you're up for a game of truth or dare tomorrow night with the ladies, am I right?" "Truth or dare?" "You guys are looking to hook up with some pigeons." "What?" "Hey, why don't you just bet them to have sex with you?" "'Cause that's clever, too." "Heh heh heh heh." "Oh, damn." "What, did you see a kitty or find a sticker on the ground or something?" "No, silly." "Kelly said she'd love to hang out." "What?" "Yeah, lloyd and marshall told me how you have a crush on her and how you want me to bring her over tonight." "It was so cute." "They told you that?" "And she said yes." "So we're all coming over at 8:00." "I'm gonna go that way." "I'll see you tonight." "Ok." "Great." "I'll see you then." "I'm gonna kill them." "I'm gonna kill them." "So I've been hanging out a lot with perry." "Oh, yeah?" "The guy's really awesome." "He's got, like, pretty much the coolest video collection I've ever seen." "I wanted to wash these jeans." "Right." "So, um..." "And, uh..." "This machine is the trickiest one on campus." "Thank you very much." "You're welcome." "Um, all right." "Ooh, don't put that in with your whites." "Give it to me." "We'll put it in my load." "I'm doing colors." "I have to go..." "there's plenty of space." "It'll be fine." "I gotta get going." "All right, see you later." "Good-bye." "I don't want your favors, ok, man?" "The plan doesn't even work." "If we say we wanna play truth or dare, then they'll see right through us." "Why?" "It does work if it seems spontaneous." "See, we, like, write a script or something, and then we say stuff that leads to a game of spontaneous truth or dare." "No." "Ok?" "How's that sound?" "No." "Forget it." "I'm not going." "Ok?" "Fine." "We'll just tell kelly that you're not interested." "You... aah!" "Fine." "Ok." "If we're writing this script," "I'm writing it." "You guys are both stupid idiots." "You're fools." "Ok." "Guys, I'm ready to rehearse." "Let's do this thing." "Hello." "Whoa." "What are you doing here?" "I guess I'm here to learn my lines." "What lines?" "There's so many lies going on tonight," "I wouldn't wanna fumble anything." "By the way, pretty clever using kelly to get them all here." "Kelly... excellent choice." "Nice fingers." "You're eating my peanut butter." "Yeah, I prefer crunchy." "Hey, ronnie, how's it going?" "Perry, you want another sandwich?" "Of course, buddy." "Awesome." "Awesome." "He says he has lines." "Oh, yeah." "Perry's gonna chill with us tonight." "He's a crack-up." "Yeah, crack-up." "I just can't imagine how he has lines considering, you know, I wrote the script." "Yeah, I made some changes." "Oh." "I think you'll find them hilarious." "Oh." "Hmm." "You gave him one of my lines." "It's cool, ron." "It's cool." "Why would you invite him?" "Man, I mean, this..." "this thing we're doin' is ridiculous to begin with, ok?" "We don't need any weird, creepy dudes in the mix here, ok?" "You think you're the only one who's nervous?" "I live across the hall from a girl who I like a lot, and she rejected me." "What if, like, tonight, she has to strip or, like, make out with somebody?" "Like, that's horrible." "This could ruin our lives." "Yep." "Yeah." "You know your lines?" "No... yes." "Then don't try any funny stuff with rachel." "Yeah, she's ours." "Yes, she's for us." "Ooh, kinky." "Hey, guys." "Hey, what's up?" "What's up?" "Oh, you really look stunning." "Oh, thanks." "Yeah." "Yeah, you look, uh, you look really, really stunning." "Oh, thank you." "You're welcome." "You're welcome." "Do you want a cocktail?" "No, that's ok." "I can get my own drink." "Are you sure?" "I make a great "sex on the beach."" "Uh, it's ok." "Yeah, that was smooth." "I'm not afraid of you, lloyd." "I'm feelin' good." "Hey, ron." "Lizzie, hey." "Hey." "This is my friend kelly." "Hey." "It's nice to meet you." "Kelly." "Oh, that's... that's gaelic for, uh, church or, uh, or warrior." "Oh." "I have to go say hi to steven." "So..." "Let's get this tea boiling." "Hey, why don't we, uh, sit down for a bit?" "All right." "I think we should sit down." "Why don't we go sit down?" "Ok." "All right." "Whoa, wait." "What was that?" "Oh, oh, nothing." "No, I saw that." "You just told a secret." "Yeah, I saw that, too." "Perry..." "Yes, I saw that, as well." "What was the secret?" "What did you say?" "I didn't say anything." "Ron, what did he say?" "I can't." "How dare you not tell me." "The truth is, you really should tell." "Well, the truth of the matter is, steven, that I cannot dare tell." "Just tell us!" "Yeah, just tell us." "No." "No." "Come on." "It was private." "I dare you to tell." "You can't do that." "Sure he can." "No, he can't." "You can't just go throwin' around dares." "It's not like we're playing a game here." "Well, then, why don't we play a game?" "Of truth or dare?" "Yeah, let's play truth or dare, and we'll start with lloyd telling the secret." "No." "I'm not gonna do that." "I don't think that's such a good idea." "No." "No way." "No, I don't know if that's such a good idea." "Oh, come on." "Ok." "Ok, that'll be fun." "Ok, let's start now, yeah." "Ok, yeah, ok." "It's ok." "We'll do it." "It's stupid, it's stupid, but if that's the dare, then that's the dare." "Last week, I borrowed marshall's pants." "In the pocket, I found a video store receipt for dude, where's my car?" "It's a funny movie, and I like to laugh." "Did you, uh, enjoy the 14 pornos you rented at the same time?" "Marshall!" "That's disgusting." "Is there a new script?" "He wasn't supposed to say that." "Man, that's really funny, lloyd." "That's really, really funny." "So I guess it's my turn to dare now?" "# London bridge is falling down # # falling down, falling down # tell me, ronald." "What do you look for in a lady?" "Uh, well, uh, I like my ladies, uh, to be, uh, good leaders, and uh, caring, and, you know, someone who could, uh, really guide me throughout my endeavors." "6." "6 1/2." "No moil, no moil." "Give me 5 minutes." "5 minutes." "And that is the most I've ever puked." "That's awesome." "That's a ton of puke." "Yeah." "I didn't even know the stomach held that much, you know?" "Yeah." "I've never..." " Right?" " Right." "Ok, rachel, go." "It's your turn." "Ok, perry." "Truth or dare?" "Uh, I'll go with the truth on this one." "Ok, um..." "Where is the strangest place you've ever had sex?" "Yeah." "All right." "Uh, is nowhere considered a strange place?" "That's an abstract answer." "It's weird." "Yeah, come on." "You have to answer it." "Yeah." "I mean..." "I've never had sex." "That's cool." "That's cool." "You've had sex?" "Yes, yes, I've had..." "I've had some sex." "How did you do that?" "Uh, I..." "I don't want to talk about this." "Hey, steven, truth or dare?" "What?" "Dare." "Ok, I dare you to tell us about your most memorable sexual experience." "Yeah, come on." "Be honest." "Uh, uh, ok." "This, uh, all right, fine." "Uh, my best sexual experience, uh, it was very unexpected, so that made it good, and, uh, she was just really special to me." "You know, she, uh, she helped me out of, like, a bad emotional situation, you know?" "It was... it was great." "Wow." "Lizzie, how about you?" "Same thing." "Um..." "There was this one time..." "When eric and I were on a ski lift..." "And I gave him a you-know-what." "Oh, no!" "What?" "Anything but a you-know-what." "I hope you had a safety harness, young lady." "Hey, where you goin'?" "Oh, no, no." "I just..." "I remembered" "I have to, uh, get to the library before it closes." "I'll be right back." "It's fine." "I think I know what." "What about you, perry?" "Have you at least gotten a you-know-what?" "I..." "I almost did, but, uh," "I didn't." "Oh, that's so sad." "Steven, we need to talk." "No, it's fine." "I'll be..." "I'll be right back." "Stop!" "I don't get why you'd be so upset about me talking about me and eric." "I mean, it's obvious that you're no longer interested." "You never even kissed a girl?" "Not since fifth grade." "Shut up." "Don't laugh at him, you jerk." "Yeah, shut up, lloyd, hmm?" "Yeah, perry." "You know, it's really not that big of a deal." "No, even I think it's pathetic." "That would be very funny, yeah." "Ok, uh, rachel." "Truth or dare?" "I don't know." "Ok, dare, then, all right?" "Um, I dare you to make out with perry..." "For 5 minutes." "You guys wanna play uno?" "No, no." "You know, perry, if you've gone this long without, um, kissing a girl, you probably shouldn't do it in a game of truth or dare." "Plus, I hear, like, she's a really bad kisser." "What?" "!" "I'm a bad kisser?" "I don't think so." "Come here." "O-ok, uh, just, uh, be gentle." "You guys," "I've had such a good time tonight." "This has been really fun." "Thank you so much, but ron is actually gonna walk me home right now, so I'll see you later." "I gotta go walk kelly home, you know." "Good for you, ron." "I'm glad someone's got someone." "I just couldn't..." "You know, I feel like, um," "I feel like I've seen you around, like, from far away, maybe, or something." "Oh, I don't think so." "You know, I'm generally..." "I like to be, uh, be close to people." "Really?" "Yeah." "Ok, then." "Truth or dare?" "Uh, well, not truth, so..." "Dare." "Ok, I dare you to stand still and not move from that spot." "Ok." "So, you like being close to people?" "Uh, yeah, you know." "Is this close enough?" "Pretty close." "Um..." "Is this good?" "Look, you're the one who's not interested." "You... you... you... you treat me like I-I'm your brother." "What are you talking about?" "I have been prancing around you in my underwear, and you won't even look at me." "Why are you acting so weird?" "Did I do something?" "No, no, no." "I'm scared." "But you don't have to be scared of me." "No, wait, uh, um..." "Ah, look at this." "Hey, joel and ethan cohen." "Loved your take on truth or dare last night." "Best time you've probably had since fifth grade, huh, perry?" "Yeah, perry." "It's a funny thing about girls in the game of truth or dare, 'cause anything you pretend you haven't done, they're gonna wanna do." "Now you know, and now you move so I can say hi to rachel." "This is where one of the idiots that was on one of my tours tripped and fell down the stairs and broke his collar bone." "That's hilarious." "I know." "Oh, god!" "I'm jokin'."