"Hey, Lisa." "What's hap- shh!" "Rebecca is talking to an incredibly hot guy." "Well, look at that." "So are you." "I'm sorry, Shawn." "I don't have time to make a fake vomiting sound right now." "Hey, guys." "Hey." "Hey, sis." "Who is that man-sicle?" "Leo." "He's amazing looking, isn't he?" "Total piece of ass." "Hey, I'm straight." "I'm not dead." "And I actually went over there and made the first move." "I even gave him pouty lips and a double hair toss." "Look at you putting yourself out there!" "I know." "Yeah." "I wanna say, "you go, girl"?" "Eh, how's that?" "Okay." "Yeah, that's good." "Thanks, but unfortunately, it was a total waste of time." "He's the dullest man alive." "What a tragic waste of hotness." "Well, so?" "I-it's not like" "You have to spend the rest of your life with the guy." "Mm." "You could just sleep with him." "You mean like a one-night stand?" "Yeah!" "Uh-huh." "I've never had one of those before." "You haven't?" "I've never not had one." "No, it's just I was with steven for so long," "And before him..." "Well..." "There wasn't a lot of one-night stands" "Going on in junior high, you know?" "Speak for yourself." "Oh, come on." "You just got divorced." "That guy is exactly what you should be doing right now." "Besides, how boring could he really be?" "All he talked about was" "Foraging for and identifying mushrooms." "That's nothing." "Oh, my god, you wouldn't believe the boring stuff" "I've sat through in order to get sex" "(laughs) feelings, memories... (chuckles)" "Irregular biopsy results." "Oh, I'm not a good person." "No." "Have some fun, Rebecca." "(groans)" "Come on." "It's not like you went over there to talk to him" "Because he was so smokin' interesting." "That's true." "Uh, I don't know." "Maybe-maybe I will give" "This whole empty, meaningless sex thing a chance." "(squeals) you're gonna just love it!" "Oh!" "(chuckles)" "Good morning." "Can you fill that with coffee, please?" "And then do you have beds?" "(mouths word)" "Perry?" "Hey..." "Guys." "Did you sleep at the office again last night?" "Yeah." "Another all-nighter." "Sweetie, you look exhausted." "(whiny voice) I am- very exhausted and very tired." "(normal voice) I'm gonna finish this project" "And just give myself a little vacation." "Good for you." "Thank you." "It's, uh, gonna be a whole week" "Of just sitting on my ass doing nothing." "No offense, Shawn." "Hey, I'm a writer, Perry." "I work hard." "I mean, I may not have a 9-to-5 job like you," "With your fancy office" "And your fancy..." "Getting paid." "I'm just looking forward to taking a little time off." "And a shower couldn't hurt, either." "I'm too tired to shower." "Can you just, like, wipe me down with a wet-nap?" "Me, too." "Good morning." "Morning, Perry." "Or should I say "good afternoon"?" "I know." "I slept till 1:00." "I feel like one of the rolling stones." "And yet you look like one of the wiggles." "So, man, I haven't taken time off in forever." "Let's go raise some heck!" "you know, I would love to," "But I-I'm right in the middle of this story," "And I'm-I'm kind of in the zone here," "So could you wait a little bit?" "Yeah." "I'm just gonna make" "The first brekkie of my vaycay." "Oh, sorry." "(clinking)" "Sorry." "Sorry." "(loudly) shouldn't that be a semicolon?" "(loudly) nope." "No, no, no." "It-it should be a comma." "As in, "Perry, comma, turn that freakin' machine off!"" "Sorry, man." "Come on." "Let's have some fun. (lid clatters)" "(groans) it's not like you have to finish that for anything." "You don't have any deadlines." "Oh-I-Perry, you don't understand." "I set my own deadlines." "You may be on vacation right now, but I'm not." "I have to finish this thing." "Well, you know what's always a good ending?" ""it was all a dream." want me to write it down for you?" "No!" "Let's go." "You sure you don't want to type that first" "So you don't forget it?" "(Shawn) no!" "Let's go, wiggle." "Hey, guys, what's up?" "Oh, my god." "Lisa, run, don't walk" "To the pittsburgh museum of applied arts." "There is an exhibit there" "On 18th-century buttons" "That'll change the way" "You look at clothes fastening forever." "And don't skip the scavenger hunt." "(chuckles) it's meant for kids, but adults can do it, too." "I'll go grab us some coffee." "(chuckles)" "Lucky for you, this is just his first day of vacation." "God, having him at home is driving me crazy!" "He-he wants to be my constant companion." "Aw." "Well, what can you do?" "You can't say no." "I can't?" "Why not?" "Think about it." "He pays for everything- food, rent, entertainment." "So you have to do what he says." "you're his bitch!" "What?" "!" "That's crazy." "Oh, really?" "Did you want to go look at old buttons today?" "All right." "Fine." "Yes." "Sometimes, I go along with what Perry wants to do," "But that's just because I'm a good friend and an accommodating person." "You know who else is an accommodating person?" "The smallest guy in prison." "Look, maybe- maybe if you paid your own way," "You could make some of the decisions." "But for now..." "(clicks tongue)" "You just gotta keep on being sweet to your sugar daddy." "Here you go." "Got you a big one." "Don't want you getting tired on me." "So, um, do you want to go" "To that revolutionary war battlefield next?" "They have a section where you can dig for real artifacts." "Run, don't walk." "No, wait." "No, Perry, Perry, Perry." "Uh, you know what?" "I'm just gonna head home." "What?" "But we need two people- one to hold the dirt sifter" "And the other person to pick out the musket balls." "I do love musket balls, but I, um, I don't-no." "I-I really need to finish my story." "I'm so close to finding an ending." "I already gave you an ending. "it was all a dream."" "(gasps) what a twist!" "Bye, Perry." "Bye, beeyotch." "Thank you." "You're wearing the same clothes you were wearing last night." "I know." "And I even brushed my teeth with my finger." "(gasps) you did it?" "I did it." "I had my first one-night stand." "Oh!" "I can't believe it!" "I was so sure you weren't gonna go through with it." "I know, I know." "Me, too, but then he took his shirt off" "And he was so beautiful, I kind of blacked out a little." "Tell me everything all about it." "How was it, how was it?" "Oh, it was fantastic." "I mean, totally worth" "Listening to him drone on for two hours about mushrooms." "Ohh." "And what did you do after he fell asleep?" "Did you try his anxiety medicine," "Steam open his mail, what?" "What?" "So what do I do now?" "Well, what do you mean, "what do I do?"" "Oh, I mean, I don't know the rules, you know?" "What do I do?" "Do I call him and say thank you?" "Do I send a note?" "Ooh!" "Mini muffins?" "(laughs) you do nothing." "Just-just move on." "Oh, shoot, I gotta scoot." "But, Lisa, I mean, that seems kind of rude." "You know, if someone does something nice for me," "I-I usually send a thank-you note." "And I owe this guy multiple thank-you notes." "Well, trust me on this one." "Hit it and quit it, Rebecca." "Hit it and quit it." "No, I'm just gonna call and say thank you." "Hey!" "Oh!" "I said quit it!" "Sorry I found so many more musket balls than you." "Yeah." "It's just 'cause" "You pushed those field-trip kids out of the way." "All right." "I'm starving." "You wanna get some dinner?" "What ya in the mood for?" "How about pizza?" "How about mexican?" "Well..." "(scoffs) how about pizza?" "I don't know." "Don't you think it's kind of a mexican night?" "No, Perry, I really feel like a pizza." "Well, that's funny, 'cause you don't look like a pizza." "(laughs) so mexican?" "Ugh." "Wait!" "Fine, but call roberto's." "Roberto's it is." "(whispers) yes!" "Actually, eduardo's is kind of better than roberto's," "If you think about it." "Buddy?" "Aw, man." "I've been-I'm sorry." "I know what this is about." "You do?" "Yeah, you're upset because I found" "So many more musket balls than you. (groans)" "I'm very advanced at-at- at amateur archaeology, yeah. (sighs)" "I've been there a lot." "You know what?" "Tomorrow we'll go right back and you" "No, no, no, no." "Not tomorrow." "I-I can't do anything tomorrow." "Well, why not?" "I'm busy." "Whatcha doing?" "I'm..." "Getting a job." "Oh, wow." "That's news to me." "It was news to me, too." "Wow." "Look at you." "Well, you better get used to seeing me like this" "Because after today, I'm gonna have a job." "All right, buddy." "But you know you don't have to do that." "I'm happy to carry you until your writing takes off." "No, no, no, no." "Your carrying days are over, my friend." "It's time for me to strike out on my own." "Now can I borrow $3.00 for the bus?" "Which is why I say that" "The business of america is business." "Am I right, bob?" "I couldn't agree more." "Shawn, you're obviously a very smart guy." "Thank you." "But I notice on your résumé," "You don't have anything listed under "employment history."" "Ah." "You spotted that, huh?" "Yeah." "I haven't done much in the field of employment, "per se,"" "But that's just because" "I've been so busy gaining life experience," "Which is the most important thing." "Am I right, bob?" "Uh, this is a managerial position." "I'm afraid we're looking for somebody" "With quite a bit more employment experience." "Okay." "Okay, I-I see what you're doing here." "And let me just say," "There could be some wiggle room on the salary." "Am I right, bob?" "I suggest you try something at the mall." "Am I right, Shawn?" "Which is why I say that" "The business of america is business." "Am I right, tiffany?" "Sure." "So do you have any retail experience at all?" "No, but, uh, I mean, come on. (chuckles)" "It's just folding sweaters." "How hard could it be?" "okay." "okay." "Ugh." "Never again." "never again." "Oh, hey, aunt Lisa." "Hey, justin." "Where's your mom?" "Oh, she's out with some mushroom guy." "What?" "!" "I told her to hit it and quit it." "Wait, what?" "Wait, hmm?" "Do-do-do-do me a favor, justin." "When you start dating, don't ask your mother for advice." "Well, who should I ask, you?" "Oh, god, no!" "(laughs)" "Hello, Rebecca." "what are you doing here?" "Quick math quiz." "How many nights are in a one-night stand?" "I know, I know." "But I felt like I really needed to text him" "To say thank you, and then he asked me out again," "And then I felt like I kind of led him on with the text," "So I just went out with him one more time." "Amateur." "But don't worry, I sent him a clear message" "That I'm not interested in seeing him anymore." "Oh, yeah?" "How'd you do that?" "(exhales deeply) I didn't sleep with him." "Oh, no." "Not the second-date slowdown!" "The what?" "By not sleeping with him," "You just let him know that you want to slow things down" "And make this a real relationship." "No, that can't be right." "Can't it, Rebecca?" "Can't it?" "(cell phone bleeping)" "I wonder who that could be." "Let me guess..." "Wants to take you away for the weekend." "(sighs) okay, now you're scaring me." "I'm just gonna do what you told me to do the first time." "I'm not gonna respond to this." "I'm just gonna blow him off." "Well, no, you can't blow him off now." "Why not?" "That's playing hard to get." "Men love that." "He'll be on you like brown on brown rice." "(sighs) hey." "Hey." "How'd the interviews go?" "Oh, my god." "You actually decided to look for a job?" "Not just look for-get." "Uh, coffee to go, please." "Really?" "Where are you gonna be working?" "Uh..." "At a company." "At a chinese company, yeah." "What are you gonna be doing?" "Well, uh, you know," "I'm in charge of implementing a delivery system," "Uh, that will bring our chinese products" "Quickly and efficiently to the american consumer." "And you're qualified to do that?" "Oh, I'm pretty confident I can pick it up." "(chuckles) it'll be like riding a bike." "He's been acting kind of strange lately." "Have you noticed that?" "Well..." "Maybe he feels like" "He doesn't really have a say in your relationship" "Because you totally support him." "Why would he think that?" "Hmm?" "I mean, like, why would he- why would he think that?" "Any idea why he would jump to that con - (mutters) I don't know." "No?" "(sighs) I may have likened your relationship" "To a nonconsensual prison romance." "Well, how- (sighs) how is it like that?" "Well, you give..." "He takes." "That's so not true." "Oh, come on, Perry." "You pay for everything." "Yeah, but it's not like I make him feel bad" "For not contributing financially." "Okay, no, but this isn't really about how you treat him." "It's about his ego." "It's-it's been wounded." "By me, I know, but let's - let's put that over here." "Well, he's not gonna boost his ego" "By working some random job." "He's a great writer." "He needs to be being paid to write." "See, this is why he's so reluctant" "To put his stuff out there." "I'm gonna have to be the guy behind him, you know?" "Just forcing him to do it." "Just like in prison." "Just like prison." "Yeah." "(doorbell rings)" "Why aren't you picking up your phone?" "I'm blowing you off." "Kind of makes you want me more, doesn't it?" "Okay, you were right." "Leo's gone cuckoo for Rebecca puffs." "He's called me five times." "Ugh, pathetic!" "I know." "And then when I finally picked up - you picked up?" "Yes, I picked up." "It felt rude to keep ignoring him." "But he asked me out again." "And you said yes." "Yes, because I-I have a problem." "Tell me what to do." "Okay." "What you're gonna have to do... (sighs)" "You are gonna become passionate" "And creepy about mushrooms." "Basically, you're gonna pursue him so hard" "That you scare him off." "Like I did with debbie gibson at the '87 state fair?" "Yes!" "Okay!" "(laughing)" "(doorbell rings)" "Wow." "You look very professional." "Well, I need to." "I have a very professional job." "Now may I borrow your son's bicycle?" "Oh, look." "They have portobello mushrooms here." "Can you believe that some idiots out there" "Don't know that those are just mature creminis?" "Uh..." "I mean, get a life, right?" "You know... (sighs)" "I actually want to apologize" "For talking about mushrooms so much on our other dates." "Why?" "I find them endlessly fascinating." "Really?" "Because I was just talking about them 'cause I was nervous." "Why were you nervous?" "Isn't it obvious?" "I mean, you are beautiful, smart and fun," "And there aren't too many women out there like you," "And I didn't want to screw it up." "Oh, no." "I like you." "What took you so long?" "You're treading on thin ice, delivery boy." "I hate you!" "I hate myself." "Shawn." "I don't work here!" "(crash)" "Come on, buddy." "I found 500 menus for this place on your bedroom floor." "Shh, no." "I-I was kind of supposed to hand those out." "Um, what do you want, Perry?" "I came here to tell you to quit." "No." "Absolutely not." "No." "I-I'm not gonna quit." "I need to earn my own money, okay?" "I-I don't want you to be my sugar daddy anymore." "Just..." "Read this." "Uh, "dear mr." "Goldwater," "We have accepted your story for publication."" "The "carnegie review" wants to publish my story?" "Uh-huh." "No." "It wasn't ready." "Well, they thought it was." "All right." "Who did you pay to make this happen?" "I-all I did was e-mail them." "(sighs) I can't believe you'd interfere in my life like that," "You jerk." "You big, beautiful, amazing jerk!" "(laughing) oh, man!" "They're gonna publish my story." "Yeah." "I'm gonna be a published author!" "And a published author is nobody's bitch." "(laughs) yes, you are." "Order up." "52 locus street." "You know what?" "Deliver it yourself." "I quit." "I hope I never step foot in this stinkin' place again." "Come on, buddy." "Let's go celebrate." "I'm buying." "What do you say to steak and lobster?" "You know, they're only paying you $75." "Eh, this place is pretty good." "Uh, for two, please." "So then as soon as I got home, I had to turn around" "And go right back to iraq for a second tour." "Oh!" "(cell phone rings)" "Oh, I actually have to to take this." "Uh, why don't you go inside in the living room right there..." "Mmm." "And pour us a couple of glasses of wine?" "Okay." "Okay." "(Rebecca) hello?" "How's it going?" "Great." "Scared him off?" "No." "Actually, we started" "Talking about other things, and he's really interesting." "He helped find saddam hussein." "So wow, you think this might be, like, a real relationship?" "I don't know." "Maybe." "Oh." "I don't know anything about those." "I know, sweetie." "But thank you so much for your help." "I got it from here." "I love you." "Love you." "Bye." "(whispers) okay." "(normal voice) okay, so where were we?" "Uh-oh." "Are these mushroom flash cards?" "Yeah." "(laughing) why do you have these?" "Uh..." "Okay." "It's a funny story, actually." "Um, originally," "I thought that I just wanted this to be a one-night stand," "So my sister came up with this crazy idea" "To try to scare you away by being too into what you're into." "Huh." "Mm." "Well, it's gonna take a lot more than that" "To scare me away." "Oh, that's good, because I like you," "And I'm much better at relationships" "Than I am one-night stands." "(chuckles) oh, good to know." "Yeah, yeah." "I mean, once I'm with a guy," "I tend to hang on for a long time." "Yeah, the first boy I ever kissed," "I was with all through high school." "And the first guy I had sex with," "I was married to for 15 years." "And now there's you." "Oh." "Yeah." "That's how you scare a guy away." "I need to get back on the bike." "Here's your story." "Hot off the presses. (squeals)" "Wow." "Oh, I can't believe you're in print!" "Whatever." "It's not gonna change me." "Oh, look!" "And you even have an author's bio." ""Shawn goldwater lives in pittsburgh" "With his golden retriever Perry."" "Hey." "Well, "roommate" would've sounded gay." "Excuse me, Shawn?" "Yeah?" "I loved your story." "Would you sign a copy for me?" "Yeah, of course." "I saw that!" "And I don't care."