"(# Jack Sheldon:" "Ac-cent-tchu-ate The Positive)" "# You've got to accentuate the positive" "# Eliminate the negative" "# And latch on to the affirmative" "# Don't mess with Mister In-Between" "# You've got to spread joy up to the maximum" "# Bring gloom down to the minimum" "# Have faith or pandemonium" "# Liable to walk upon the scene" "# To illustrate my last remark" "# Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark" "# What did they do just when everything looked so dark?" "# Man, they said you got to accentuate the positive" "# Eliminate the negative" "# And latch on... (Man) Welcome back to Group Hug." "I'm your host Ken Hyman, touching you, touching me." "My guest is psychologist and author, Dr. Richard Clayton." "He has written a new book titled" "Ready, Set, Let Go:" "A Guide To Anger Management." "Doctor, you first applied the methods in your book to patients in your own private care?" "Yes." "I was trying to solve some of my own issues." "And I discovered something that worked so well" "I thought I'd use it to help other people." "(Hyman) Let's open the lines up." "If anyone is dealing with anger issues, Dr. Richard Clayton is standing by." "And we have a call." "Hello." "(Man) I got a little bit of a problem." "(Dr. Clayton) Shoot." "This used to be a rock station and now Mr. Touchy Feely here talks out of his ass!" " Hyman, I'm gonna slash your tires!" " Wait." "Don't cut him off." "Caller, what is it exactly about the show that makes you so angry?" " That it sucks." " Good." "Now, do you onestly think that slashing Mr. Hyman's tires" " is gonna make you feel any better?" " Yeah... yeah, I think it will." "Many things that we do when we are angry don't make us feel better." "They often make us feel worse." "We control our emotions, not the other way around." " (Phone)" " The first step to taking control of our lives is learning to master the emotional self." "What're you staring at?" "Eyes front." "Let's go, jackass." "(Dr. Clayton) I'd like you to do something." "I'd like you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, repeat after me." " Ready?" " (All) Ready." "Set." "Set." " Let go." " Let go." " Let go." " Let go." "(Exhales)" " How do you feel?" " Mm." "Let go." "Yeah." "I feel real good." " (Crash)" " Are you outta your mind!" "This is a..." "(Horn blares repeatedly)" "That's all the time we have for on Group Hug today." "I'd like to thank our quest, Dr. Richard Clayton." "The book is Ready, Set, Let Go." "It's available at better book stores." "I'm Ken Hyman." "Touching you, touching me." "Till next time." " You were great in there, Doc." " Thank you, honey." "It's just... it's all so exciting." "In three weeks I marry the most wonderful girl in the world." " Could life be any sweeter?" " Yeah, you could be me." "# Man, they said you got to accentuate the positive" "# Eliminate the negative" "# Latch on to the affirmative" "# Don't mess with Mister In-Between" "# No, don't mess with Mister In-Between" "(# Schubert:" "String Quartet No 8 in B Flat Major)" "(Man) We don't have enough aluminum in our lives." " (Dr. Clayton) Whisky's good." " (Man) I think that's copper, isn't it?" " Mercury." " (Man) Mercury." "Well done, Ellen." " Thank you." " Gracias." "So, Ellen, soon you'll be part of the Clayton family." "How does it feel?" "It's an honor." "I love your son very much." "Oh, Ellen that's so very sweet." "But what do you think of Richard?" "(He laughs)" "Swish." "Two points!" "Give it up, Mom." "Come on." "Oh, yeah." "Not at the table, darling." "(Mr. Clayton) The public welfare system should be abolished." "(Richard) That's easy for you to say, Dad." "You're white and a son of a wealthy industrialist." "As am I." "Some people are born into disadvantage because of their background or skin color." "Sounds like the same bunch of typical liberal claptrap." "Thank you, Rosa." "Thank you very much." "You're a good woman." "Your people are a fine people, a proud people." "She doesn't understand you." "She understands the language of respect." "Give it a rest." "Have some brandy." "You know I don't drink anymore." "How a son of mine turned into such a bleeding heart, I don't know." "Maybe he gets it from his father." "If that were so, then I'd have no compassion." " Not necessarily." " Mitch, I think you've had one too many." "Isn't it time he knew the truth?" " Truth about what?" " Mitchell." "About the bear." "Bear?" "What bear?" "What is he talking about?" "Maybe it's best if I show you." "Mitch, Mitch!" "Get back here." "Where's he going?" " Maybe we should just tell him." " Tell me what?" "We didn't want to tell you like this." "I suppose there's no easy way." "And with the wedding coming up, it's time that that you know the truth." "Rosa, déjanos solo." "Although we loved both you and Mitch equally and we raised both of you as our own," "I'm... not... your father, strictly speaking." " What do you mean?" " I'm not your biological mother either." " Is this a joke?" " It's not a joke, Richard." "I'm afraid you were adopted, son." "Adopted?" "But..." " No, that's impossible." " Not necessarily." "I was in the attic digging through our old stuff and I found this." "What is this?" "The orphanage found you on the doorstep with that one item." "You were only a few months old." "Let's not make a big scene." "Who's making a scene?" "You're telling me I'm adopted?" " Lower your voice." " I can't believe what I'm hearing." "It's in the past." "What difference does it make?" "I'm 34!" "Did it cross your mind that I would want to know this earlier?" "What for?" "So you could be traumatized?" "(Richard)... set, let go." "(Seagulls squawk)" "Ready, set." "Let go." " You OK, Doc?" " Oh, I'm fine, bunny." "Better than fine." "I'm good." "Honey, what are we listening to?" "It's a meditation tape." "Sea of Serenity." " Soothing, isn't it?" " Yeah." " (Richard) Can you find them?" " I've been doing this for over 25 years." "How... how does one go about this?" " When there's not a lot to go on..." " Uh-huh." "...we start by placing ads in the town you were found in, posting notices, and such." "If they're out there, and they're alive, I'll find 'em." "Mm." "Good." "(Richard) The layout's fantastic." "I wish I had that much confidence in the publicity." "They're taking care of you." "There's plenty of publicity for Monday's book signing." "They even took out a great big ad in today's Tribune." " Is that the picture they're gonna use?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm such a stiff." "Don't really look like that, do I?" " No." "Not at all." " (Phone)" " I'm sorry." "I'll just be one second." " Mm-hm." " Hello." " Spicer here." "Good news." " Yes?" " Looks like I found your birth parents." "That's terrific." "Who are they?" "A Frank and Agnes..." "I may be mispronouncing this..." "Menuree." "Yeah, Menuree, that would be French." "Where do they live?" "Pekin, Illinois." "It's near Peoria." "That's just a few hours away." "I'm sure they'd love to visit." "Want me to set it up?" "Perfect." "We'll have a party." "I'll introduce them to everyone." " Oh, this is a nice one." " Richard wants everything to be perfect." " He gets a look on his face if it's not." " (Knocking)" "Bunny!" "We found them!" "Bunny, we found 'em, my parents!" "(Laughs hysterically)" "They'll come next week." "We'll have a party." "He found 'em." "I don't know how." "I have to run." "I have an appointment but I'll call you later." "(He hums)" " (Ellen) Any sign of them yet?" " No." "Not yet." "I don't know what's keeping them." "(Doorbell)" "You must be the Menurees." "I had no idea I was biracial." "I've always identified with the struggle of the black man." "Now I know why." "Dad, Mom, tell me everything about yourself." "I graduated Berkeley in the summer of love, where I met your mom." "I was a slogan writer for many protest movements of the 60s and 70s." "Remember "Save The Whales", "No Nukes", "Peace"?" " Sure." " Those were mine." "Wow." "I'm the founder of the Organization for Rethinking Ethnocentric Opinion." "OREO." "Oh." "Such good work." "You two are amazing." "And you're the son we've always wanted." "I try, Mom." "I really do." "But tell me something." "Why did you give me up?" "Well, it was all part of a sociological experiment." "We wanted to see if the child of liberal humanitarians like ourselves, could flourish in a family of narrow-minded hypocritical individuals" " like the Claytons." " I always knew it." "And I must say that you have passed with flying colors." "Congratulations, son." "(Both) We love you." "(Mr. Menuree) Oh, gosh." "Oh." " Hey, Doc?" " Yeah?" "Do I look OK?" "I wanna make a good impression." "Bunny, you look beautiful." "They're gonna love you." "I don't know how they could not love you." "I should be worried." "What if I'm a disappointment to them?" "You have nothing to worry about because you are a great man." "You're gonna be the best wife ever." "(Doorbell)" "Oh, my God." "That's them." "Um, where's my jacket?" " You're wearing it." " Right." "OK." " Do I look OK?" " You look fine." "Relax." "I can't believe I'm meeting them." "Do I call 'em Mom and Dad?" " No, just Mr. And Mrs. Menuree." " Right, of course." "Here we go." "Frank Menure." "You must be our son." "How the hell are ya?" "How the hell are ya?" "This is quite a moment for us." "What was that name again?" " Frank." " No, the part after that." "Menure." "It's French." "You must have the wrong house." "We're expecting the Menurees." " Richard." " Yeah?" " And you must be Frank Junior." " Frank Junior?" "I'd recognize him anywhere." "He takes after my family." "You call them circus freaks a family?" "Better than that white trash you come from." " Shut the hell up." " You shut up!" "I can't believe it's really you." "We sure got ourselves a family here." "How old are you son, anyway?" "34?" "(He laughs)" "It was about then when I started losing my hair." " But don't worry, it's a sign of virility." " (Agnes) Mm-hm." "When it comes time to shop for a rug, I know a good place." "You just tell him you're my boy, he'll cut you a deal." "Well, why don't we all step inside?" "Nothing would please us more." "Can I help you with your, er?" "This here's a cheese ball." "I made it myself for the occasion." "I hope you like it." "A cheese ball." "Very nice." "Back home, I'm famous for my cheese balls." "I can give you the recipe." "Nobody gives a damn what you put in that rat ball, except maybe the Board of Health." " The Board of Health might care." " Why don't you shut the hell up?" " (She whispers) He's an alcoholic." " I heard that." "We appreciate the gesture, anyway." "Thank you." "Don't we, Richard?" "Richard?" "(Whistles appreciatively) You certainly have a beautiful place here, son." "It's got a certain je ne sais quoi." "Yes, siree, Bob." "You must be really raking in the dough, son." " What's your racket?" " I'm a psychologist and a writer." "Well, how about that?" "I knew these genes was good for somethin'." "What do you write, son?" "I..." "I write books about psychology." "You ever write a book about dogs?" "I sure do like a book about a dog." " No, I can't say that I have." " Huh." "If you do, let me know." "I'll buy it." "I can't tell you how much we've looked forward to this." "He has a lot of questions for you, don't you, Richard?" " (Richard) I don't know where to begin..." " You wore that damn hairnet?" "I told you not to wear that damn hairnet when we meet our boy." "Do you know how ugly you look with that damn thing?" "Any idea at all?" "I told you, I have to wear it to keep my hairs out of the cheese ball." "(Frank) Well, I'm gonna count to three." "When I get to three, you better have that damn thing off your head." "One..." "Uh two..." " I ain't taking it off." "...three!" " That's it." "I'm a-comin' for it." " (She screams)" "All right." "Let's calm down." "I'm sure we can... (He groans)" " (Ellen) Oh, honey." " Ooh!" "Oh, Richard." "Oh, honey!" "Are you happy now?" "We just met our son and you beat him in the nuts with that damn rat ball." "You gonna be all right?" "Of course." "He's tough like his old man." "If I had a nickel for every time I was laid low by one of them damn things," " I'd be a wealthy man" " Anything I can do?" "Ain't you done enough?" "You're probably wondering why we gave you up, son." "It's the same old story." "You probably heard it a thousand times." "Boy meets girl, they fall in love." "Girl gets pregnant." "Boy gets arrested for impersonating a meat inspector." "What was that last part?" "It's a long story." "We just thought you'd have a better chance in life with a family that could provide for you." "I hate to say this but I think the meat in this sauce has gone off." "It don't taste right." "Oh, well, actually, it's not meat." "It's seitan parmesan." " Satan's what?" " No." "Seitan." "Richard and I are vegans." "We don't consume animal products." "Seitan's a form of wheat gluten." "It's kind of hard to explain." "It's very healthy." "If you don't like it we can order out." "We like it fine." "Don't we?" "Sure." "This is probably the best damn gluten I've ever tasted." "Mm-hm." "What do you do there, for a living?" "You?" "You can call me Dad, son." "I worked at the rodeo for a spell, till I got tired of all the bull." "Get it?" " Bull?" "Rodeo?" " That one's so old it's got a beard." "So do you." "Then I took a job at the Peekaboo Carnival where I met your mother." "Lately I've been selling a household pest product door-to-door." "It's called Scoot." "Good stuff, that." "I've got a case of it in the car, if you're interested." "That's very thoughtful." "So, y'all planning on making us grandparents?" "We have been discussing that option." "Gonna take more than discussing." "That ain't gonna get ya knocked up." "Don't embarrass me in front of my boy." "In all seriousness, though, there are things you should know about our medical history if you're fixing to, y'know, propagate." " What do you mean?" " There are some things that could get passed on to your young." "I myself suffer from a bacterial condition" " called blackfoot." " Blackfoot?" " Ever hear of athlete's foot?" " Uh-huh." "It's that times ten." "It's both chronic and incurable." "Aside from that, there's the shrinking." " Shrinking?" " Yes, ma'am." "The Menure men tend to shrink after 40." "On my side, you got your mental afflictions such as" "Tourette's syndrome, schizophrenia and a rare condition, Cokie's disorder." "It's generally characterized by dementia, the murder impulse" " and an irrational fear of natural fibers." " (Richard) Mm-hm." "If Tourette's ain't kicked in yet, you're probably in the clear." "But I'd still keep an eye out for Cokie." "(Frank) It's our greatest shame that we weren't there to raise ya." "But we intend to spend the rest of our lives making it up to ya." "You really don't have to." "Oh, no." "We insist." "(Frank and Agnes shouting indistinctly)" "You're not losing your hair." " Doc, you wanna talk about it?" " Talk about what?" "I'm fine." "Fine." "Let's just go to sleep." "Look at it this way." "Two days and you never have to see them again." "Yeah." "Yeah." "(Frank) Don't you hit me." "(Shouting stops)" "That's better." "(Frank and Agnes pant and groan)" "Oh, you've got to be kidding me." "(Panting and groaning crescendos)" "(Frank) Who's yer daddy?" "Who's yer daddy?" "Who's yer daddy?" "I sail on the Sea of Serenity." "(Frank) Who's yer daddy?" "(Agnes) You're my daddy." "(Electrical whirring)" "Morning, son." "Sleep well?" "Yeah." "Great." "See ya at breakfast." "(Frank) Did you see my tube of?" "Oh, there it is." "What're you doing over there?" "I'm a Menure." " No, you're not, honey." " Yes, I am." "I am a Menure." "You're a talented, intelligent man." "It doesn't matter where you came from." "I'm sure they have many wonderful qualities that have just yet to reveal themselves." "What about this party?" "I told everybody that we had a big surprise." "I can't introduce these people to everyone we know." "Good God, Mitch'll have a field day." "(Monkeys chatter)" "(Frank) You look at them critters." "Those two are humping." "Look at that." "Look at 'em go." "Hey, that reminds me." "Where's that pretty gal of yours?" "Oh, Ellen." "She's running an errand." "She should be back in a minute." "(Monkeys screech)" "Ooh, he's going at it." "Hi." "Can I have, er... two tickets to the Midsummer Night's Smackdown at the Rosemont Horizon tonight?" "(Seagulls squawk)" "Hey, Junior, what are we listening to?" "Oh, it's Sea of Serenity." "A meditation tape." "It helps him relax." " So, we have a little surprise for you two." " For us?" "We didn't know if you'd be interested but there's a wrestling event." " It's the, er..." " (Both) Midsummer Night's Smackdown." "And, er... we went ahead and got tickets." " (Both) Whoa." " How'd you know we was wrestling fans?" "Well, who isn't?" " (Frank) Maybe it runs in the family." " Showtime's at eight." "We'll get ya a map..." " You're gonna be coming with us, ain't ya?" " We'd love to..." "We're not able to." " There's this, er..." "It's like a meeting thing." " Yeah." " You wouldn't wanna be there." " Lots of small talk and schmoozing." "I don't mind schmoozing." "I grew up on a farm." "It's just we, er... only have the weekend and we was hoping to maximize our quality time together." "Yeah, but this is just a couple hours, I think." "Right?" "(Smooth piano)" "You OK, Mom?" "You look bored." "This is like a funeral home." "You said it would be casual." "Believe me, for these people it is casual." "(Cheering)" " Grab his shorts!" " (Agnes) Grab 'em!" "Woo!" "We should try that move." "Hey." " Hey." " What?" " I'm worried." "It's getting late." " Relax." "It's a long programme." "We should speed things along." "Don't these people have homes?" "Do you know what your mother plans to wear for the wedding?" "Um, no, I don't." "Why do you ask?" "(She laughs) There surely must be something in her closet without sequins." "If you feel strongly about it, why don't you ask her yourself?" "There's no need to be defensive, dear." "I was making a suggestion." "Excuse me." "(Mr. Clayton) So, Richard, what was this big surprise that you promised us?" "Big surprise?" "You said you had a big surprise." "Uh... we're having a baby." "(Gasps)" "What?" "Not now." "She's not pregnant but she will be some day." "Maybe tonight, who knows." " So, who's up for charades?" " (Richard) Cha?" "Dad, it's kind of late." "It's not even 9 o'clock." "Let's play." "Let's play." "(Squealing engine)" "What the hell is this?" "Staring at her like she got knobs on her." "I was just being friendly." "You've been pushing my buttons all day." " Well, where's the off button?" " There ain't no off button." "I keep going." "Whoa!" "I don't know what you're selling, but there's no peddling here." "We're not selling anything." "We've just come here to visit our son." "Your son?" "Richard Clayton lives here." "That's... that's our boy." "Frank Junior." " You mean, you're..." " We're his parents." "Can't you see the resemblance?" "Yes." "Of course." "Hi, I'm Mitchell, Richard's..." "Frank Junior's adoptive brother." " Oh." "Why didn't you say so?" " Frank Menure." " This is my wife Agnes." " (Both) How the hell are ya?" " What was that name, again?" " Frank." " No, no." "The last name." " Menure." "It's French." " Movie." " It's a movie." "Um..." "Second word." " Terror." " Horror." "Nausea." "Fear." "Is it Cape Fear?" " It is Cape Fear." " Yes, I'm hot tonight." "Who's next?" "Richard, I knew you were number two but I never realized you were... number two." "Swish." "Two points!" "Right, come on." "Richard, who are those people?" "Just a couple of former patients of mine, schizophrenic, delusional." "I'll take care of it." "Your mother and her big mouth got us thrown out for making a ruckus." "She started mouthing off." "I was just being friendly." "Don't give me that." "You were flirting." " I refuse to be a party to your delusion." " Hah!" "Can't even trust you around a plant." "I'd like to introduce Richard's special guests, his birth parents, the Menures." "It's French, you know." "(Frank) Merci." "How the hell are ya?" " (Agnes) How the hell are ya?" " What have you done?" "It's a pleasure to meet all you fine friends of our beloved son, Frank Junior." "That's Richard." "Frank Menure Junior to all of us." "Y'know, Frank Junior told us you all was a bunch of stiffs." "You all seem like friendly folks to me." "(Frank) And any friend of Frank Junior is a friend of ours." "By the way, if you got any problems with critters, just let me know." "I sell a fine product called Scoot." "It gets rid of ticks, fleas, cockroaches, what have you." "Just give me a buzz some time." "Get it?" "Give me a buzz." "(The Menures laugh)" "(Mitchell) How very thoughtful of you." "Would you like to meet the nice couple who raised Frank Junior?" "Nothing would please us more." "Excellent." "Mom, Dad, this is Frank and Agnes." "Meet Douglas and Arleen Clayton." "Oh." "Well, I wanna thank you on behalf of myself and my wife and I, for doing such a great job with Frank Junior." " We just love him to death." " He is a fine Christian man." "Yes, sir." "I myself am from the Church of C and E." "Go on, ask me what that stands for." "C and E." " Uh..." " I don't..." "What does it stand for?" "Christmas and Easter." "Get it?" "The Church of C and E is Christmas and Easter." "Oh!" " That's an old joke." " So's your face." "Hey, Clayton, how about a swap?" "She may have a few miles on her, but she gets you where you wanna go." "Does Arleen get you where you wanna go?" "I'll bet she does." " Oh!" " Looks like she's got great suspension." "Guys, this is Angela Minnola, Ellen's mother." " Angela, the Menures." " Oh, what a pleasure." "I love your dress." " (Angela) Well, thank you." " When is that wedding, anyway?" "We should probably get back to the game, right?" " Who's... who's up?" " Were you playing a game?" "We were playing charades." "You must join us." "Hell, yeah." "Alrighty, then." "Prepare, people." "I'm an expert at this game." " (All) It's a movie." " Mother, Jugs and Speed." "Is it Mother, Jugs and Speed?" " Would you let him get started?" " Will you shut the hell up?" " (All) Four words." " One." "Rocky I." " How the West Was Won." " First word." "That would be "the"." " First word!" "Is that the first word?" " That's the first word." "Is "the"." "(All) Second word." "(Woman) He's hearing something..." "From Hear to Eternity." " Listening?" " Listening!" "Is it listening?" " Is it sound?" " Sound!" "Is it Mother, Jugs and Speed?" "No, no, no, no, American Gigolo." "We saw that one at the drive-in." "Woowee, that Richard Gere." "He is hot to trot. (She pants)" " We are trying to play an intelligent game." " Maybe you should leave the room." "Oh, a little word." ""Of"." " Oh, that was very nice." " (Mr. Clayton clears throat)" " (Man) Fourth..." " Is it Yentl?" "I think it's the fourth word, Frank." "OK." "Fourth word." "What the hell's he doing now?" "What is that?" "Seven Year Itch!" "(Frank) What is that?" "(Woman) Giving a speech?" "Singing?" " He's holding his hands out." "Chest!" " Chest!" "Jugs!" "Mother, Jugs and Speed." "It is not Mother, Jugs and Speed!" "God!" "Clayton, excuse me." "How do you expect us to get the answer with the quality of your clues?" "I don't wanna be the one to say this, but I don't think you're cut out for this game." "Don't be so hard on the man." "Some people don't have the aptitude for this." "This is ridiculous." "You, sir, are an ass." "Richard, I hope you will enjoy your real parents." "My dear." "Real nice party, Richard." " Whose turn is it?" " You're dumb as a shovel, ain't ya?" " Things are rarely as bad as they seem..." " (Frank) Who won?" " (Agnes) Not you!" "...which makes tonight so unique." " (Frank) Who's up?" " Goodnight." "Goodnight, Jeffrey." "(Frank) You gonna go?" "Bring the hat over here." "I'll do one." "Leaving Las Vegas!" "Well, guys, I guess this is it." "(Tearfully) We really hate to leave." "I guess we'll see ya at the wedding." "You never told us the date." "Oh, didn't I?" "Well, it's all gonna be in the invitation." " Oh." "OK." " Oh, good." " I can't tell ya how proud we are of you." " OK." "We are so proud of you." "You are a fine, fine man." " And Ellen, we never had a daughter." " (She sobs)" "But we feel like we got one now." " Thank you." "That's very sweet." " Traffic backs up right about now." "I can honestly say, that this has been the best two days of our lives." "We only spent a weekend together but we've loved a lifetime." "(Richard) Yeah, it feels that way." "(TV) Tornado warning still in place..." "You all can come and visit us." "It's only a trailer but we'll sleep on the sofa." " I don't think that's gonna be necessary." " It's true." "Remember that." " Goodbye, you all." " Bye." "OK, bye-bye." "(TV)... tornado touched down outside Pekin..." " Drive safe." " (TV)... worst to hit in many years." " Did he say Pekin?" " No." "Drive carefully." "(TV) A tornado touched down near Pekin..." " He did say Pekin." "...worst one to hit this area in years." " We are still waiting for information..." " That's our park!" "That's where we lived!" " There's our sofa." " Where?" "Up in that tree." "(Agnes) Everything we own is in that trailer." "Everything in the world." "Gone with the wind." "The Dan Ryan really does start to lock up at about 5.30, so I..." " Richard." " We have no home to go to, son." "That's it." "Oh, God." "This is awful." "I hope you're insured." " No, I'm afraid not." " We ain't even got a bank account." "I don't believe in insurance." "I kept our money in the home." "Not to mention 50 cases of Scoot!" " Lord, why should this tragedy befall us?" " (Mrs. Menure walls)" "What's gonna become of us?" "Is there anyone you can stay with?" "I'm afraid it's the streets for us." "We've been in tougher scrapes than this before, honey." "Oh, I don't think I can go through being homeless, again." " (Frank) Oh." " (Agnes) Not at my age." " Richard." " Hm?" "Richard, can I speak to you for a moment?" "OK." " We've gotta do something." " Come on, Ellen." "I did my part." "I did the weekend." "I want my life back." " What will they do?" " Why not live in their car?" "They lived in a trailer home." "That's like a big car." " I cannot believe you." " What?" "You are being completely heartless." "You're always on about the plight of the less fortunate but you'll turn your parents out on the street?" " Please don't call them that." " OK." "They're obnoxious, but they care about you unconditionally unlike Doug and Arleen." "Doug and Arleen Clayton are good people." " They may be a tad conservative." " Uh-huh." "The wedding is soon." "This is the worst time." "It'll only be a few days." "The wedding is all set to go." "Come on, Richard." "You know this is the right thing to do." "Hm?" " Right?" " (He sighs)" "Folks, Richard has something he'd like to tell you." "Ellen and I want you to know you're welcome to stay here for a few days." "If that makes you uncomfortable, we understand." "What can I say, son?" "You've rescued us in our hour of need." "Um..." "I guess family is the most important bond of all." "Yeah." "Nothing on earth is more important than family." " (Richard) OK." " (Frank) Son." "Oh, my." "Oh, my God." "(They sob)" " (Frank) I'm so full of emotion." " You're not uncomfortable with this?" "No." "This is so good." "Honey, these'll help you sleep." "I refuse to wear earplugs in my own house." "(Moaning and thudding)" "It's sweet that a couple who've been together so long" " are still attracted to each other." " Sweet?" "They're psychotic." "They're oblivious to the effect they have on others." "But that's all right because it's not getting under my skin." "My feet are itchy." "Do you think it's blackfoot?" "(Sighs) It's not blackfoot." "How do you know?" "Are you a podiatrist?" "Stop pacing and come back to bed." "You're making me nervous." "All right." "(Agnes) Who's my daddy?" "Do you mind?" "!" "(She laughs) Dear." "You ain't got nothin' I ain't seen before." "Except a brain." "Hey, honey, are you OK?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Think they'll look for a place today?" " Doc." " Yeah?" "Could you try to like them, for me?" "Course." "You know me." "Of course." "Do I look smaller to you?" "If you get a chance, remind her there's no smoking in the house." "I'll tell her." " Where you running off to, son?" " Nowhere." "I've got business in town." "That's all." "Wanna toss the ball around?" "Er, no." "I mean I would love to, but I'm running late, as it is." "Oh, come on, son." "All my life I dreamed about tossing the pigskin around" " with my only son." " Huh." "Well, I can't, Frank, I really can't." "I..." "I've got a bad shoulder, too." "I, er... dislocated it playing lacrosse." "Oh, that's no big deal." "I got bad knees, a bad back." "I got a bad heart." "Let's play a little catch while I'm still alive." " I'm in a really good suit." " Let me toss it to you one time." "OK, all right." "One time." "And then I really have to run." "Get the camera." "Woo-hoo." "Here we go." "This is a dream come true." " That's a very fine watch you got there." " Oh." " You must be living right." " Thanks." "It was a gift." "A fine watch." "If you ever need another, I know a guy who sells 'em wholesale from his car." " I'll do that." " Come on, let's go, boy." " Here ya go." " OK." "Ready." "You're looking good, son." " OK." " Yes." "Go long, son." "Oh." "Very good." " That was pretty good." "Here we go." " All right, son." "Whoa." "Very nice." "Do this with Doug?" "No." "Doug didn't really like to get his hands dirty." "Stick with me." "My hands is always dirty." "Hit me hard." "Let's go, right there." "(Crunch)" "Ooh, what happened?" " Son?" "What happened?" " I think I dislocated my shoulder." " I'll pop it back in." " No, no, no, no, no, no." " You're not gonna pop anything." " Trust me." "I've seen Lethal Weapon ten times." "Let him pop it." "He's good at popping it in." " I can do it." " Don't pop it." "Come here." "Let me pull it out." "Almost got him that time." "Come on." "I'm gonna get you." "I'm gonna get you." "(Richard) Stay away from me!" "Do I have more hair in this picture?" " What?" " Never mind." "I... just want to thank you, Dr. Clayton." "This book really saved my life." "Could you sign it?" " I'd be honored." " Great." "There you are." "I can't read this." "Thank you." "Richard, are you gonna be able to do this?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "That's my boy." "(Man) Come on, already." "It's like a furnace in here." "Oh, they're done early." "Since when do you read the Star?" "It's Agnes's." "It's very interesting." "Don't they have somewhere to go yet?" "I'll gladly pay for a hotel." "They won't take money from us." "They're very proud." "Proud?" "Of what?" "200 years of inbreeding?" "I broke my arm." "My book signing was a disaster." "They're not bad once you get to know them." "Frank is very handy around the house." "Agnes gave me wonderful recipes." "Recipes for what?" "Pigs' feet or possum pie?" "(Wind howls)" "(Thunderclap)" "Mm." "Ellen, this is delicious." "What is it?" "Tempeh croquette with a tofu tahini dip." "Do I have the best wife in the world, or what?" "That's not all." "I have a special surprise for you." "A surprise?" "I love surprises." "(In southern accent) It's a cheese ball." "I made it myself with my own two feet." "What the hell?" "No." "No!" "Your father said you're looking for a rug." "I'll cut you a deal." " No." "This isn't happening." " Just shut the hell up." "You're not my wife." "Yes I am." "And you're my husband." "Lookee here." "Like father, like son." "No!" "No!" "No!" "What's the matter, ain't ya hungry?" "Run, honey, run!" "Oh, Ellen." "Oh, I just had the worst dream." " Son?" " Agnes?" "Are you OK?" "I thought I heard a scream." "Yeah, I had a nightmare." "But I'm fine." "Thank you." "Oh, honey." " Don't cry." "Mommy's here." " OK." " Y'know..." " Um..." "There was a lullaby I used to sing to you when you were a baby." " Uh-huh." " I bet if I sang it," " you'd go to sleep." " That's not necessary." " Oh, I'd love to." " I don't..." "I don't..." "# Go to sleep my pride and joy..." "Very pretty, but I don't wanna wake Ellen." "#... 'Cause your mama's precious boy" " #..." "Little angel safe in bed..." " OK." "#..." "Happy thoughts dance in your head..." "Agnes, I'm 34 years old." " #..." "Go to sleep..." " Very restful." "Thank you." " #..." "My pride and joy..." " There's another verse?" "#... 'Cause your mom..." " Point it toward me." " Yee!" " Tilt it." "There you go." " There we go." "Right there." "You happy?" " Have you seen my watch?" " What watch?" " My Rolex." "I can't find it." "It's just gone." " When's the last time you had it?" "Last night." "I put it on the nightstand like I always do." "Frank was commenting on it yesterday." "Remember?" "He was admiring it." "You can't be serious." "He stole my watch." "You been using that thing..." "You honestly think Frank snuck in here and took your watch?" "I don't know." "He has a criminal record." "What kind of man impersonates a meat inspector?" "I never met a sane person in your family." " (Ellen) You probably misplaced it." " No, I didn't misplace it, Ellen." "My father gave me that watch, my real father." "You thought it was too flashy." "That doesn't mean it gives him the right to steal it." " Bye, honey." " Be safe." "I will." "Thank you." " Is this the Clayton residence?" " Yes, but we didn't order any meat." "Well, someone did." "Got an order for a Franklin..." "Manuria?" "Manrouee?" "Woo-hoo!" "Ho!" "My prime rib's here, hey." "Finally." "From the Meat of the Month Club." "I've been waiting three weeks." "Come on, boy." "Right in the kitchen." "I moved out all that Satan stuff to make room for it." "Come on, boy." "(Frank laughs) That's right." "Ready, set..." "let go." "Stick it..." "Wait..." "Move that tofu." "Um..." "Frank, you haven't seen my Rolex by any chance?" "No I didn't, son." " That's good." "Let me sign that for you." " (Quietly) OK." " I'll be working downstairs in the office." " Fine." "(Frank) I'll catch you next time." " (Delivery man) All right." "(Agnes cackles)" " It's hot as a pistol out there." " I'm sweating like a whore in church." "You know... all that suntan lotion and naked flesh gives a man some ideas." "Oh, yeah?" "What're you getting at, Franklin Menure?" "I'm gonna be getting at you, in a minute." "(Lascivious squeals)" "Oh, Frank!" "(She squeals excitedly) Oh, honey." "Oh, Frank, spank me." "Spank it around a little." "It likes that." "(Groans) Oh!" "Oh, Frank." "(Frank) Stop making them damn noises." "(Agnes) Ain't you ever gonna find my G-spot?" "Would you shut the hell up about your damn G-spot?" "(Agnes) It's time to break out the Xcaliber." "(Frank) The Xcaliber?" "Where is it?" "(Agnes) I know I packed it." "Let me look through the stuff." "Hold on, woman." " Hold on, woman." " (Agnes moans)" " (Vibrator buzzes) - (Frank) Sounds like buzzing." "Is that you?" "(Agnes) That's Xcaliber." "I'd know that sound anywhere." "(Frank) It's coming from the closet." "(Agnes) Oh, Frank, I think there's somebody in there." "(Frank) I'll go take a look." "Son." "Son, are you all right?" "If you had questions about sex, why didn't you just ask?" "I don't want to talk about it." " You're our son..." " I don't wanna talk about it!" "We're here for you." "Son!" "Son, your mom and I are very concerned about you." "You're the pent-up type." "You've got to get in touch with your emotions." "Go away!" " It's beautiful." " It won't work." " Of course it will." " No, it's not gonna to work." "Mom, I'm not talking about the dress." " What's the matter?" " (Sighs heavily)" "I've been reevaluating things lately." "That's only natural, honey." "This is a very big step for the two of you." "I'm just not sure if Richard and I are right for each other." "Mom, he always seemed so tolerant and so compassionate." "What do you mean "seemed"?" "I don't understand why he's so hard on Frank and Agnes." "I know they're coarse and come across a little too strong sometimes, but..." "I don't know." "It seems like he wrote them off from Day One." " Well, he really seems to love you." " I know he does." "When you love somebody, you've gotta accept them for who they are." "(Phone)" " I'll get it." " I'll get it." "No, I'll get it." " Hello." " Hey." "Are you sitting down?" " No." "Why?" " The Holly Davis Show called." "They want you on the show, Friday" " Holly Davis, this Friday?" " (Shouts) Yes!" " Deepak Chopra cancelled." "Appendicitis." " That's fantastic." "I know." "Richard, this is the break of a lifetime." "Appearing on that show could put your book over the top." " I'll call tomorrow with the details." " Perfect." "I'll speak to you then." " Honey, that's terrific." " Just wait'll I tell my parents." "No need son, we heard every word." "Just a last-minute thing, fell into my lap, but it could be a big break." "Congratulations, Richard." "That sounds very exciting." "You'll be a big hit with dissatisfied housewives everywhere. (Sniggers)" "It seems a bit long in the sleeves, doesn't it?" " Long." "Really?" " Your father and I have discussed this... and we both feel very strongly that these Menures have got to go." "If you insist on associating with these horrible people, your mother and I will not be at the wedding." "There's only room for one set of parents in this family." "Either us or them." "The choice is yours." "Well..." "I assure you, they'll be out..." "by the wedding, Mother." "Oh come on." "They're fun." "(Hillbilly music playing)" "(Richard) Excuse me." "Hi." " (Man) Get outta here!" " (Richard) Thank you." " (Boy # 1) Ow!" " (Boy # 2) (Snarls)" "(Dog barks)" "(Rhythmic clapping)" "# There's a tree out in a dark place" "# Where it's hard to make out my face" "# And I'd love to get you up against the bark" "# Although my teeth may be missing" "# When we start in kissing" "# You can't tell the difference in the dark" "# Oh, no you can't tell the difference" "# Can't tell the difference" "# You just can't tell the difference in the dark" "# Yeah!" "(Frank) All right." "So, tell me..." "Oh." "Son!" "Oh, everybody... we'd like to introduce our son, Frank Junior." "(Agnes) There he is." "Frank, these are all of my friends from the Peekaboo Carnival." "Yeah, son, these people just been passing through..." " How 'bout you sit down and relax with us?" " No thanks." "I'd like to speak to my fiancée." "In private." " (Bluegrass guitar strums) - (Ellen) Hey!" "Excuse me." "Hey, I'm 85 years old." " Well, congratulations." " Thank you." " I want them out now." " Not this again." "No!" "They've overstayed their welcome, I want them out now." "And all those people." "You had no right to let them throw a party without consulting me." "They said they were inviting a few friends over." "A few?" "The entire cast of Hee Haw is down there." "They haven't seen their friends in ages." "They'll be finished by 10." "10?" "I have a live national television appearance tomorrow morning." " Fine." "I'll ask them to cut it short." " No!" "I want them out now." "These people are a plague." " Why do you hate them so much?" " Why?" "Why?" "I'll tell you why." "Because they're rude, crude, and intrusive." "They're dysfunctional." "They're a biological and sociological mess." "You can't stand it that you might be the child of such common people." " That's not true." " You know what you are?" "You're a snob." "Are you calling me a snob?" "I am calling you a snob." "I am not a snob." "Yes you are, you're a total snob!" "Why don't you just... shut up!" "(Gasps)" " You shut up!" " No, you shut up!" "Son." "Son." "It may not be my place to say, but you shouldn't talk to her like that." "A man's wife should be treated with respect." " A man's wife..." " Shut up, you cow." "I'm just saying that a man's wife is his castle." " His castle?" " Yeah, his castle." "If your brains was chocolate, you couldn't fill an MM." "I'm trying to talk some sense and you're mixing your metaphors." " I'm trying to help!" " You can help by shutting up!" "Get out of my house!" "Get out of here!" "Right now!" "All of you!" "Party's over!" "That's right." "Not one more minute." "Not one more minute!" "Out!" "Out!" "The party's over." "Everyone out." "Go on!" "What are you, anyway?" " Where do you think you're going?" " To my mother's." "Although she may not be perfect, I accept her for who she is!" " Come back!" " No!" "Come back here right this second!" "Not you!" "Ellen!" "(Growling)" "(Bear owner) Shut up, Susie." "Welcome back." "If you just joined us, our guest today is Dr. Richard Clayton, the author of a new self-help book titled" "Ready, Set, Let Go:" "A Guide to Anger Management." "(Applause)" "Ready, Set, Let Go." "It seems kind of simplistic, doesn't it?" "I can vouch for this programme, because it certainly changed my life." "What was your life like before you developed your system?" "Well, I had a very difficult childhood which led to some destructive tendencies as an adult." "I was prone to fits of rage." "Things finally came to a head when I had a nervous breakdown at 29." "After being arrested for disorderly conduct after some drunken binges... it was time for a change." "Er..." "I stopped drinking and eventually completed my doctorate." " (Audience applauds)" " That's amazing." "Is it true you haven't lost your temper in four years?" "Er..." "Well... er..." "Yeah, you could say that... that that since I developed these techniques, I've definitely... er... managed my emotions much better." "Richard, we have a little surprise for you." " A surprise?" " We know you've come a long way." "Your family must be very proud." "So, we've brought your parents here today to talk about the past and how far you've come." " I beg your pardon?" " In fact... they're here in the studio audience right now." "Shall we bring them down?" "Yeah, let's bring them out." "Come on out, folks!" "Please welcome Richard's parents." " (Agnes) Hi." " (Frank) How ya doin'?" "Hello." " (Agnes) Hi." " (Frank) How the hell are ya?" " Good morning, America." " Wrong show, dingaling." "Shut the hell up." " (Holly) Welcome." " (Agnes) Hi." "(Frank) Pleased to know ya." "I'm Frank Menure, this is my wife Agnes, and there's our boy." "That's him right there, Frank Junior." "There's been a mistake." "These are not my parents." " They aren't?" " Of course we're his parents." "I know I don't look it." "A friend said I had the skin of a 20-year-old." "That friend mention your 50-year-old ass?" "(Titters)" "No, your name didn't come up." "Holly, we are so proud of our boy." "He is a chip off the ol' block." "As my daddy used to say, blood is thicker than water." "Not with all the alcohol in yours." "(Audience laughs)" "You know, he tried a 12-step programme, but he got so drunk he fell down the steps." "You have to pardon my wife." "She's got a mouth like a damn 7-Eleven." "It's open 24 hours a day." "I have to set something straight here." "These people..." "You're not my parents." " (Audience gasps)" " My parents are Doug and Arleen Clayton." "(Holly) I don't understand." "These people... they're biolog..." "They contributed... biologically." "They're biological contributors, yes." "Technically, they're parents of mine." "But they're not my parents." "My staff was informed that these are your parents." "Informed?" "Informed by whom?" "Your brother Mitch, I believe." "At least, I think he was your brother." "(Frank) Er, you're gonna have to excuse our boy." "He's not himself today." "(Agnes) On account of the trouble at home." " (Holly) Trouble?" " God, I can't watch." "Trouble with the little lady." " They're tying the knot..." " (Richard to self) Just stay cool." "They had themselves a little misunderstanding." " Last night he was like a man possessed." " (Richard)..." "let go." "(Frank) But they love each other, and er..." "I'm sure he didn't mean to scream at her like he did." "He's a good boy." "We're so proud of him." "We are so proud of him." "He's our boy." "He's our son." "He's a good boy." "We're so proud..." " (Holly) Oh, my God!" " (Agnes) Frank!" " (Frank) Oh, my God!" " (Agnes) Leave him alone!" "(Frank) Leave the boy alone!" "(Mitch) Hey, Jennifer." "Hey, what about tonight?" "What d'ya mean you got homework?" "I never did homework." "Come here, you son of a bitch!" "I'll kill you!" "I'll kill you!" " Come on!" "I'll kill you!" " It was a joke." "It wasn't meant to go this far." "Don't!" "It's an Italian sweater!" "Don't pull on it." "Go ahead, hit me." "I've always been jealous of you." "You've done so much with your life." "I've done nothing." "I..." "I guess that's why I've always been such a prick to you." " Swish." "Two points!" " (Mitch groans)" "There was chaos on The Holly Davis Show as a guest went berserk." "Dr. Richard Clayton, author of a book on anger management, blew his top today during a taping of the show, attacking his own parents on camera, before a live audience." "I guess he should have called his book Ready, Set, Go Nuts." "(Man) And now..." "back to Mother, Jugs and Speed." "Well, there's good news and there's bad news." "The bad news is, your publisher wants to drop you, the book tour's cancelled, and Kmart has decided to stop carrying the book." "And the good news?" "You've been invited to be on Jerry Springer." "I'm really at my wit's end, Dad." "Ellen's gone back to her mother and..." "I'd like to stay for a couple days, just to get my head straight." "Richard, this is really not a good time." "We have guests." "This is your mess, son." "You're gonna have to deal with it yourself." "(Angela) Oh, Agnes, you don't have to do that." "It's the least we could do, you lettin' us stay here an' all." "The least I could do." "All you've done is eat her damn Mallomars." "Shut yer hole." "Still no answer." "We just feel terrible about this." "Mitch said it was gonna help his career." "Oh, sugar." "Is one little argument worth throwing a whole wedding over for?" "I just can't see myself spending the rest of my life with him anymore." "I feel like he's not the man I thought he was." "Maybe you oughta go and see if he's OK, 'cause he won't talk to us." "Oh, honey." "(Sighs)" "Richard?" "Richard?" "Are you down here?" "Oh, hi, Ellen." "I didn't, er..." "I didn't hear you come in." "Er... maybe you can give me a hand." "I'm making a cheese ball." "It's a lot harder than it looks." "I tried to call you but you were..." "Richard, is that meat?" "Mm-hm." "Barbecued pork." "It's the meat of the month." "A little red meat's not so bad from time to time." "Honey, what are you doing to yourself?" "I'm accepting my heritage, Ellen." "I've had it all wrong from the beginning." "Why fight it?" "I'm a Menure." " OK, you know what..." " Uh-uh." "What's the difference?" "I'm ruined anyway." "This is not the man I know." "No." "You knew Richard Clayton." "I'm Frank Menure Junior." "How the hell are ya?" "Richard... this is crazy!" "Well, runs in the family." "What about our plans?" "We were supposed to get married..." "And do what?" "Bring more Menures into the world?" "More Cokie's syndrome?" "More blackfoot?" "(Scratching)" "No." "These genes stop here." "Excuse me, I have a cheese ball to make." "Fine." "If that's the way you feel about it... then you should have this back." "Goodbye." "That's all right, Ellen." "I'll be fine." "I'm in complete control of my emotions." "Ready... set..." "Mom, he's so far gone, I don't know what to do." " Well, what happened?" " He's a drunken wreck!" "It's like he's... totally given up." "He's even eating meat." " Richard's eating meat?" " Yes, red meat." "Well, he's not himself." "It's the fear of commitment, the pressure..." "No, no, no, no, it's not." "It's the Menures." "He... he... he blames them for everything." " (Ellen sobs) - (Angela) Oh, baby." "(Angela) It's all right, now." "It's all right, now." "(Doorbell rings)" " (Doorbell rings again)" " Go away!" "Get off my property." "We just come to get our things." "We won't be a minute." "Good news." "We're leaving." "The Peekaboo Carnival offered us our old jobs." "All right." "Stay there, I'll get it." "There's your stuff." "Now just go away." "You didn't happen to see my silver locket?" "It's shaped like a heart." "No." "Goodbye." " Wait just a second, son." " What do you want?" "We would like to speak to you for a minute, if we could." "Then we're out of your hair for good." "I promise." "I think what we have to say you'll be very interested in." "I don't quite know how to say this." "Um..." " Might as well just tell him." " Please get to the point." "We're not really your parents, son." "You what?" " See... we always wanted kids, but we never could have any of our own." "Then we saw that ad in the paper and we figured, let's give it a shot." "No." "You can't be serious." "We had to do some fancy talking around that detective, but we're smarter than we look." "We never meant no harm." "So you mean to tell me... this past week, this entire ordeal, was all based on a lie?" "We realize now it was wrong." " And, we're... we're very sorry." " Sorry?" "You're sorry?" "You ruined my life!" " I could have you arrested for this." " I told you." "Well, son, that's your choice, but, er..." "we would have to stick around for the trial." "Otherwise, we just get out of your hair." "Perhaps you're right, Mr. Menure." "If that is your real name, which I hope for your sake it is not." "When I think of poor, sweet, trusting Ellen..." "defending the two of you." "Wait till I tell her about this." "You are the lowest people I have ever met, and if I see you here again, I will call the police!" "Goodbye and good riddance!" "(Ellen) I can't believe they'd do that." "They seemed so genuine." "They seemed like they really cared about you." "Can we talk in private, just for a second?" "I was headed upstairs." "Mom, we'll be down in a minute." "I guess they fooled both of us, huh?" "This doesn't change your actions." "You didn't know the truth then." "You really..." "You really betrayed the values I thought we shared." "You're right." "I'm ashamed of the way I acted, most of all, towards you." "I couldn't accept the fact that I could've..." "come from people like that." "I've paid a huge price." "Not my career." "I got what I deserved there, but Ellen..." "I don't wanna lose you over this." "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." "What happened to your watch?" "I..." "I stopped wearing it." "It's too flashy." "It's really not me." " Doc?" " Yeah, bunny?" "The rehearsal went great." "It's gonna be a lovely wedding." "Thank heaven those horrible people are finally gone." "(Mrs. Clayton) You should be so glad they aren't your real parents." "Can you imagine being stuck with people like that for the rest of your life?" "(Mrs. Clayton) They're lucky you didn't have them arrested." "To the Menures, who could not be with us tonight, I say, thanks." "(Mr. Clayton sniggers)" "(Mrs. Clayton) Cheers." "I hear the caterer we're using is wonderful." "(Mr. Clayton) The Coolidges used them for their daughter's wedding." "Good seeing you." "Goodnight, Richard." "You seem like you have something on your mind, Doc." " I have?" " You're not having second thoughts?" " No." "Absolutely not." " Good." " I'll see you tomorrow." " Yeah." "Be safe." "Ivesdale." " (Agnes) Step right up." " Step right up." "Win yourself a prize." " Tip 'em over." " Knock over the cans and win a big prize." "You look like you could throw a ball." "How 'bout winning a prize for the pretty lady?" " Got a lotta nice prizes." " All right, three balls for $5." "Thank you." "There you go." "Lay into it, son." "Oh!" "Almost." "Almost." "Little over to the left here." "Oh, no." " You gotta really lay your arm into it." " You ain't trying hard enough." " Oh, too bad." " This is a rip off!" "Oh." "You wanna try again?" "I bet I can knock you over easy enough." "Er... since you've been such a good sport, I'll give you a consolation prize." "Honey..." "Dear?" "Get him one of the consolation prizes." "A nice... a nice doggie for the..." "young lady in pink." "Yes, sir." "Here you go." "Pretty pink like your cotton candy." "Thank you." "OK, mingle up." "Thank you very much." " Oh." " Real smart, pop tart." "First day back and you're already blowing the profits." "You could save me money on a costume by working at the House of Horrors." "You want horrors, monkey butt..." " I'll show you..." " Monkey butt?" " (Agnes) Monkey butt!" " (Frank) You shut up!" "I'd like to play." "Actually I..." "I just wanted to give you your locket back..." "Mom." "Why did you lie?" "You said that your problems started when we showed up, so we just figured the best thing to do was to go away." "So you gave me up for my own good." "Again." "Can you ever forgive me?" " Well of course." "You're our son." " Our baby boy." "Hey!" "Hey, er... you still wanna come to my wedding?" "Nothing would give us more pleasure." "Hey, when is that wedding, anyway?" "Er... it's about an hour and a half." " Where is he?" " He should've been here an hour ago." "Er..." "I wouldn't worry about it." "He'll show up." "(Frank) Oh!" "There we go." "That's a good spot." " Don't be nervous, son." " You look so handsome." "I can't believe I'm actually doing this." "All I can say son is that if Ellen makes you half as happy as Agnes has made me throughout the years..." " Uh-huh." "...you'll only be half as miserable as I am." "Don't make me whip your butt in front of a church." "Well, I'd better get in there." "Wish me luck." " Good luck, son." " Oh, you're gonna be fine." " (Frank) Don't forget to say I do." " All right." "I'll see you in there." " Kids." " They grow up so fast." "(Whispers) Just one second." "(# Handel:" "Air from the Water Music)" "Hi." "Hello, everybody." "Thank you for coming." "Weddings are a time when we come together to celebrate new family." "As many of you know, I've recently had additions to my own family." "I'm proud to introduce two special guests who aren't in your programme." "My birth parents..." "Frank and Agnes Menure Please welcome them." "(Applause)" "(# Mendelssohn:" "Wedding March)" " You look so pretty." " Thank you." "I'll explain later." "Dearly beloved..." "we are gathered here together... to unite this man and this woman in holy matrimony." " (Frank) Is it..." "Is it on?" " (Agnes) If the red light's on it's running." " (Frank) It's dark?" " (Agnes) What's this?" "Oh!" "(Frank) We're at the maternity ward, waiting." "Oh, my God, please." "What are you doing?" " Oh." "No, no." " (Mrs. Clayton laughs)" "(Frank) What you got hanging there?" "(Mr. Clayton) Oh, stop that." " (Agnes) Come on." " (Angela) Oh, here we go." "I am just so happy and so excited about Richard and my daughter." "Watch it, Spielberg." "And now... for the horror portion of our programme..." "Watch it, or you're gonna find extra footage where the sun don't shine." "So... anybody wanna come in and say hello?" "(Squeals of delight)" "Hey, everybody." "We'd like you to meet little Wrinkles Clayton." "(Richard) Let me take the camera." "So, Angela, how do you feel about being a grandmother?" "Isn't he beautiful?" " Looks like a Harvard man." " Oh, no, Yale." "(Frank) Don't hog him, Clayton." "Pass him by." " Careful, he's a Harvard man." " I know." "Gotta hold his head." " Oh, my God!" " (Agnes) He looks just like you." " Don't he?" " Wrinkled, short, with his mouth wide open." "Don't mind her." "She's the first one in her family born in captivity." "There you go." "Oh, my goodness!" "Ooh, ooh!" "There ya go, fella." "All right, Papa." "(Agnes) Oh, nice aim." "(Frank) He's a Menure all right." "(# Can't Tell The Difference:" "Danny DeVito  Kathy Bates)" "# Now I never been mistooken for someone who's good-lookin'" "# But I'd like to take you walkin' through the park" "# Although I know I ain't pretty Don't come from the city" "# You can't tell the difference in the dark" "# Oh, no, you can't tell the difference Can't tell the difference" "# You can't tell the difference in the dark" "# Although you're above me Still you're gonna love me" "# 'Cause you just can't tell the difference in the dark" "# There's a tree out in a dark place" "# Where it's hard to make out my face" "# And I'd love to get you up against the bark" "# Although my teeth might be missing when we start in kissing" "# You can't tell the difference in the dark" "# Oh, no, you can't tell the difference Can't tell the difference" "# You can't tell the difference in the dark" "# Although I ain't dreamy You ain't gonna see me" "# 'Cause you just can't tell the difference in the dark" "# No, you just can't tell the difference in the dark" " Daddy!" " Daddy!"