"Hello, Jenny, love." "Hello, poppet." "How was the job interview?" "Just going to eat some Monster Munch in bed with the curtains shut." "So, good?" "Nearly out of Monster Munch." "Oh, poor Jenny." "I don't like to see her like this, do you?" "She's a chip off the old block." "She can't cope with being idle." "I want to do something for her, cheer the poor girl up a bit." "A surprise." "Hang on a second, dear." "You know I don't like surprises." "The element of surprise should be reserved for military action." "She's missing her friends, Len, her life in London." "Why don't I call some of them up, see if they wouldn't like to come up here, a surprise visit." "Nick, love, are you decent?" "We need your help with something." "Shoot." "I need you to have a think for me." "Who's Jenny's best friend in London?" "Who does she feel really comfortable around?" "Jen, can I just say I love the outfit, it's so casual." "Who cares, rock on." "Good for you." "Thanks." "Look at you, so glamorous." "I should be renting you a secret Mayfair flat and paying you by the hour." "Alma, I know just the gal." "Alma, I've been thinking." "If we need to talk about the surprise guests with Jenny around," "I'm going to use a code word." "Ooh!" "So, instead of saying "the Hopkinses"," "I'm gonna say "the Bierres d'Alsace"." "That way, she'll think we're just a couple of guys casually talking about a 24 pack of stubbies." "So, Alma, is Len out picking up the Bierres d'Alsace from the train station." "You alright, Jenny, love?" "Might be coming down with something." "Oh." "And is that what you're wearing today?" "Yeah." "Can't be bothered getting dressed." "Might just make a Lemsip and watch DVDs." "Or you might feel better if you washed your hair," "You're rightly proud of your car, Mr Miller." "OK, now remember, we're not in London any more, but these are good people." "Different from us maybe, but no worse." "Oh, great." "I'll get that!" "I'm already there." "Let me get it." "For God's sake, Mum, I'll get it." "I'm not an invalid." "Hi!" "Hi!" "Good Christ, I did not expect this." "Surprise!" "I phoned them and ask them to come." "You look so... well!" "Thanks." "I mean, obviously if I'd known you were coming," "I wouldn't have covered myself in yoghurt." "I'll just take this off." "Ah." "I don't find this funny." "This is Nick's." "Obviously there's nothing funny about a man's..." "I'm going to put the yoghurt back on." "Come in." "Come in." "Take your shoes off, please." "Of course." "Sorry." "Do come in." "You're going to meet my family, which is... good." "Now, I'm Mum." "You've met Dad." "You must be Isabelle." "You took a call from me on Tuesday past." "Do you remember?" "Yes." "Hello, Mrs Miller." "Can I just say, I couldn't help noticing your front step." "Spotless." "I know that doesn't just happen by itself." "Richard." "There he is, look." "Here comes trouble!" "Hello, mate." "Mate." "Uh-oh, it begins." "Set phasers to banter." "You must know Samuel and Rebecca." "Hi, sorry about the cabbage smell." "And who is this supermodel you've brought with you?" "This is Millie." "Pleased to meet you, Mrs Miller." "I've got grade eight piano." "Ooh!" "Well, let's have a look at her." "Oh, yeah, Sam, are you getting this?" "Yeah." "Stirrings going on over there I think." "Alma, is that the kettle, dear?" "Yes, Mum, stop... saying things." "Go into the kitchen and help me with the tea." "Does someone want to say thank you to Mummy?" "What were you thinking of inviting these people here?" "It's a nice surprise, isn't it?" "It's a disaster." "I can't have them seeing me here." "Jenny, I don't understand what's the problem." "Right." "Right, how shall I explain this?" "It's not that they're better than us." "They're better than us?" "No, no, no." "It's not that they're better than us, but because you haven't given me enough time to pretend." "Otherwise it's going to look an awful lot like they are better than us." "Does that make sense?" "I think so." "Why don't you pour the teas and I'll take through these Club biscuits." "No, no!" "This is what I mean." "You can't give these people Clubs." "What else have we got?" "Wagon Wheels." "No, that's worse." "We need something organic." "We need something with flax seeds." "What are these?" "Your father's from the chemist." "To help with his movements." "These'll do." "Look like you could have got them from a farmer's market." "OK." "Give them these." "Tell them you bought them from a farmer." "It's important to resist the temptation to put..." "I bought these from a farmer." "They help Len's movements." "Oh, you'll have no trouble after one of those." "Although I wouldn't take more than five." "Alma, I love your home." "It's so real." "And it's much bigger than I expected." "Than you expected?" "Mmm." "From talking to you on the phone." "People would pay a fortune for a place like this in London." "Crazy prices in London." "You would not been living in anything as nice as this down south." "No, no, no, you'd be in a hovel." "A rented hovel." "Well, you won't catch us anywhere here London." "Don't worry, Dad." "I'm sure they'll survive without you." "Don't cancel the Notting Hill Carnival just yet." "So, Richard, excuse me, what line are you in?" "I import wines." "South Africa mainly." "See, Len, this is a businessman." "I would never in a million years put the words "South Africa" and "wine" in the same sentence." "And do you work, dear?" "Oh, yes, I'm a lawyer." "It's exciting times, actually." "I've been asked to head up a new department for our London offices." "Is that the venture that Neil was talking about?" "Oh, these girls." "Jenny was as bad when she used to work." "She's out of all that now." "Aren't you?" "It's more complex than that." "I don't think you really..." "To be honest, we're all happier now she's at home every day with us." "What's that programme we both like in the afternoons?" "I don't think there's any crossover in our taste." "What is it?" "Oh, oh, oh, you put me on to it." "That nosy old lady who likes murders." "I've just realised, I'm still covered in yoghurt." "Back in a jiffy." "Oh!" "Pull yourself together." "Listen, Becky, you're too young to understand." "Understand this." "She's heading up a new department and she's putting together a team." "If only we knew a businesswoman who was between jobs who could start work immediately." "Becky, Becky, Becky, it doesn't work like that." "Just because somebody has power and influence, it doesn't mean they go around handing out jobs to their mates." "What am I talking about?" "That's exactly how it works." "Right." "Now put on a pant suit and go and get us our lives back." "With a dog that size, the only way to unlock its jaw is to get a broom handle - Right." "Shut up, Mum." "How about we go for a drive in the countryside, get some air?" "Or I tell you what we could do, we could set out on foot and I could give you a tour of the town, flag up some points of local interest." "Lovely." "Yes, absolutely happy to go with that." "I offer leadership, but I also work well as part of a team." "Right, shoes on!" "Well, enjoy your walk." "I'm going to get tea on." "I'm doing my famous shepherd's pie." "Alma, Alma." "This shepherd's pie, does it have gluten in it?" "I don't put any in." "I can nip to the shops and try to get you some." "No, don't trouble yourself." "Right, come on, stop dawdling." "Time management is one of my core skills." "There was just so much personal politics in the company." "I just thought, "Hey, take some time out, look for the next challenge."" "I'm so glad to hear that from you." "All those rumours, I couldn't believe what I was hearing." "I can imagine." "Or reading in all those group e-mails or on those Internet message forums." "Really nasty, vicious stuff." "What internet forums exactly?" "It's such a relief to see how well you are." "So, Ricardo..." "Sorry, Nick, could you not?" "Changing my screen saver." "Boom!" "Screen saver." "This guy is always on." "Keep up, team." "Tight ship." "Tight ship." "So, yeah." "This is the bus stop." "There's Kwik Buy over there." "There's a bench down there, but things don't kick off at the bench until much later." "It's mental." "So good to get away from my parents." "Right little bitches." "You hate your parents, yeah?" "God, yeah, awful people." "I'd kill mine if I could get away with it." "I seriously would." "Who's that guy over there?" "He's always here around the bins, going to the toilet where he stands." "He's so hot." "Let's go and talk to him." "Maybe he'll get off with us." "Becky!" "Yeah, let's not do that." "He tends to get a bit stabby if you approach him." "Let's go and check out Kwik Buy." "They've got a surprisingly fun selection of vacuum-packed sausage meats." "Becky, you're totally right." "We should rob the shop." "What?" "Now, trick question." "You won't get it." "That farmhouse, what county is it in?" "Len, is it - Uh, uh, uh, Nick, I know you know." "Anyone?" "No?" "Right, let me put it this way." "In the sitting room, I'm in Northamptonshire." "Fancy a cup of tea," "I'm off to the kitchen to brew it in Leicestershire." "Oh, dear, that tea has gone right through me." "I need to use the loo." "Find my passport, I'm off to Rutland." "Eh?" "Eh?" "Press on." "Yeah, I don't mind the shop part." "It's more the us robbing it bit." "Becky, your brother is such a little bitch." "It's a victimless crime." "As if a major corporation is going to miss a few hundred quid's worth of goods." "These people sanction massacres." "I'm pretty sure this is a small family business painstakingly built up by an immigrant from the third world." "Shut up, Sam." "Millie, it's cool." "We can rob the shop if you want." "I do it all the time." "I haven't paid for a Capri-Sun since we moved here." "Little bitches." "You go in." "We'll follow in a bit and create a diversion." "Becky, what are you doing?" "It's all under control." "We just need to keep her sweet because we need her mum to give our mum a job." "I'll handle this." "Just keep an eye on her and tell me if she goes anywhere near the bleach." "So, was this a pit town, Len?" "A pit town?" "No." "I actually feel very at home in these little pit towns because my great grandfather was a coal-miner." "Oh?" "Well, he was in a coal-mining." "He owned a coal mine." "Great." "It's a tough gig." "And to this day, I always say my football team is Middlesbrough." "Is that near here?" "Are we anywhere near Middlesbrough?" "No." "It's not a million miles." "It is precisely 188 miles." "I respect that, Len." "You tell it as it is." "You're a bluff Yorkshireman through and through." "A Yorkshireman?" "Why don't we stop for a swift ale?" "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Len?" "We could have a jar in some proper little honest-to-goodness village pub." "Hi." "Is there any way I could sort of give you Ј20, just as a kind of donation?" "Are you trying to buy fags or something?" "Tell you what." "Give me this and call it 20." "Keep the change." "Alright, what it is, is that girl over there, I'm her carer." "If I could just pay for those Doritos, nappies and rolls of gaffer tape, that would be ideal." "Quick as a flash, Jenny said..." "What was it you said?" "Oh, I can't remember." "She said, "Pigs, like you..."" "No." "No, I said," ""Your house is made of twigs, little pig, so sign or we blow it down!"" "The look on his face." "He signed there and then." "You know, it's no big deal." "It was just one of 18 contracts that I landed that quarter." "Jenny, I've just had a mad idea." "By all means tell me to stick it where the sun don't shine." "Did I mention that I'm heading up a new department?" "Er..." "Did you?" "You did mention something, now that I think about it." "We're going to need someone to look after new business." "It's such a small operation I'm almost embarrassed to ask." "Does that sound like the sort of operation that you would..." "Yes!" "Be interested in?" "Yes." "Yeah." "Sounds potentially, I mean, yes!" "Exciting." "Obviously I can't promise anything." "No, you couldn't promise." "But you could..." "I'd love to get you down, meet the team, informally have a chat." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, very informal." "When?" "Next week." "Or I could get the train back with you?" "No, that's" " Yeah, next week." "Meet the team." "Yeah." "Informally." "Chat." "Thank you, Mrs Miller." "Oh, aren't you well brought-up." "Hello, campers." "Have we all had a nice afternoon?" "Yeah, once we got the fires under control." "You?" "Oh, yeah." "Very successful." "Hey, go on!" "Who's for another drink?" "Oh, the wanderers return." "I nearly sent out a search party." "I hope he hasn't talked your ear off." "Alma, it was fascinating." "Just so sad to think that when he dies, all that folk wisdom will be lost forever." "Yes, it seems that we're really rather exotic." "Len, show us your hands." "What?" "Show us your hands!" "Hands?" "Look at those." "They've known a shovel." "There's a beauty in those." "I tell you what, if he was 20 years younger, I'd steal him from you." "What?" "I would, I'd steal him from you with sex." "Isn't that right, girls?" "Leonard?" "There isn't going to be any sex." "Look, I found this in the back of a cupboard." "Dares we?" "Yes." "Let's get totally smashed on reprehensible wine." "Richard?" "I can't drink the plonk any more." "But you girls go ahead." "There's some cherry liqueur from Tenerife if you'd prefer that." "Honestly, I'm fine." "No, no, no, I really do think you should have a glass." "Oh, you haven't got any cocktail umbrellas, have you, Alma?" "I have got some somewhere I think." "She has." "That is pure Mike Leigh." "You don't know the half of it." "Get a load of this." "Oh!" "Collector's piece." "Only 75,000 ever produced." "Taiwan's finest craftsmen laboured over these." "Yes, we bought those on our honeymoon." "Put them down, would you, poppet, because your mother would be heartbroken if you dropped them." "Actually really love these things." "So evocative of my childhood." "Would you actually leave them to me in your will?" "♪ "Make You Feel My Love"" " Adele" "♪ When the rain Is blowing in your face" "♪ And the whole world is... ♪" "Smells awfully good, dear." "There we go." "Len, Alma, we've been thinking we'd like to get a takeaway." "Our treat." "But I've made the shepherd's pie." "Yes, I know." "Well done, you." "What do you say we pop it out for the birds and get in some pizzas?" "Can you hear a weird growly sound?" "Oh, Mum, this looks wonderful." "Thank you for doing this." "I didn't get chance to say that before." "It's OK." "I think we've just decided we're going to get a takeaway instead." "What?" "Our treat." "It's the least we could do." "I think we should eat the pie that my mum spent the day cooking." "The guests don't want to!" "That's exceptionally rude!" "Mum, what are you doing?" "Becky, shut up!" "Let me handle this!" "It's fine." "I'll put it out for next door's dog." "Don't be ridiculous." "We don't know what's in it or whether she's washed her hands." "Right, get out!" "Jen-Jen." "Get out." "I've spent the whole day desperately trying to impress you, but I've just realised you're probably the most unpleasant person" "I've ever met, and I once met Jeremy Kyle in an NCP car-park." "Right." "Girls, let's go." "How do we get to the station?" "Here's an exciting new cultural experience for you." "Bus stop. 15 minutes' walk away." "Very real." "One an hour." "Mum, I'm so sorry." "Oh, it's alright, love." "You know I don't think they're better than us?" "Of course, love." "Fur coat no knickers, that one." "Mum, I babysat Peaches Geldof all afternoon to get you a job which you just threw away." "Sometimes, principles are more important than money, or security... feelings of self-worth." "Principles?" "We're obnoxious about Nana's food all the time." "Yeah, we are, but strangers aren't allowed to be." "That's right, Jenny." "Guys, there is a beautiful shepherd's pie here going cold and she is making eyes at me." "Nick, that's the first sensible thing I've heard all day." "Let's get stuck in." "Oh, Mum, first-rate shepherd's pie." "Don't think there's too much gluten in it?" "Should I be taking some of the gluten out?" "Don't you touch the gluten." "Gluten's the best bit."