"I love you." "I want to spend the restof my life with you." "Will you marry me?" "Baby, baby" "Baby, your breathsmells like dog food." "[ Panting ]With just a hintof rottweiler butt." "You're on notice, Rocco." "When Felicia moves in,you have to clean up your act." "Bon appã©tit. * Whoa *" "* I feel good *" "* I knew that I would, now *" "* I feel good *" "* I knew that I would, now *" "* So good, so good *" "* I got you *" "* Whoa, I feel nice *" "* Like sugar and spice *" "* I feel nice *" "* Like sugar and spice *" "* So nice, so nice *" "* I got you *" "* When I hold you in my arms **" "I have a very big surprisefor you." "A very big surprise." "I know you're dying to know,but I'm not gonna tell you,no matter how much you beg." "Nope.Not even a hint." "Wow!" "This isincredible, Jerry!" "What's this all about?" "Felicia, from the firstmoment I met you, I" "[ Groans ]I mean, uh" "From the first momenti saw you, I, uh" "Uh, wh-what I'm tryingto say, Felicia, is" "You're lookin' sickall of a sudden.Are you all right?" "Motion sickness.Oh." "The reason whyi brought you out here is... to tell you, to say" "Yeah?" "To ask, communicate" "Would you justspit it out?" "[ Gasping ]Oh, I'm sorry, baby!" "I didn't mean it!" "Don't cover me in pukeand try and call me "baby."" "I'll make it upto you, Felicia!" "Will you marry me?" "No!" "Oh, thank you!" "You've made methe happiest" " What?" "I met someone.Met someone?" "Andre and Ihave all the thingsthat we don't, Jerry." "Andre?" "I introduced you once." "He details my BMW." "You dump me for a guywho goes to work in a jumpsuitand rubber boots?" "Andre and I connecton a level that you and Ijust never could." "Jerry, I'm so sorry." "[ Sighs ]She dumped us, Rocco." "I know you don't care.You can lick your own balls.[ Chuckles ]" "[ Sighs ]" "[ Beeping ]" "[ Ringing ]" "[ Answering Machine Clicking ] [ Jerry On Tape ] I'm not in." "Leave a message or don't leave a message." "Whatever." "[ Man ] Hello, Jerry." "It's me." "Pick up." "Dude, I know you're there." "Quit acting like a little kid." "You're so immature!" "Pick up now,or I'm gonna fartinto the phone." "Leave me alone.I'm wallowingin self-pity." "It's time to rejointhe living, Jerry.We're going out tonight." " Not interested." " Saddle up the old baloney pony." "It's OperationStorm the Foxholes.China Club, 2100 hours." "Our objective?" "Penetrate the enemy." "Stop calling me.I'm not going.This is nonnegotiable." "Either meet me tonight,or I'm gonna ask outyour sister." "She'll go out with me'cause she's freaky like that.We both know her." "Ragoni, hang up.The toilet's stuffed up.I got a code-three emergency." "Buddy, I gotta go.See you." "Thanks for fitting me intoday, Daniel." "I'm so tight." "Go really deep this time." "Give it to me harder." "Harder." "Harder." "Harder." " [ Muscles Cracking ]" " Come on, Daniel." "Is this the best you can do?" "[ Sighs, Panting ]" "Ragoni, what the hellare you doing?" "[ Screams ]" "I was justwarmin' her up for you!" "** [ Dance ]" "** [ Continues ]" "Marshall,is that you?" "Nick!" "Hey!" "Long time no see!" "How you doin'?" "You've got to give methe name of your newescort service." "Oh, cut it out, Nick.This is my fiancÃ©e, Sheri." "She ain't no escort skank." "She and I are in love." "That's right." "Marshall here's the most interesting and exciting man I've ever met." " And he's a wonderful lover." " Oh, I get it." "She's retarded." "She's one of the sharpestbartenders at Hooters.Oh, Marshy!" "Excuse me, fellas.I'm gonna go trimthe landing strip." "Ooh!" "And classy too." "We met on a cruise.There's just something aboutthe ocean air, the sun." "It really makes it easyto meet people.We connected right away." "Very first night.With her?" "Very first night?" "Yeah!" "And there are dozens of womenjust as friendly as heron board." "Dude, I gotta tell you,whatever you're doing,take a week off... and get yourselfon one of those boats." "There was a line at the can.Honey, can we skip dinner?" "You look so hot,you got me in the moodfor take-out in bed." "[ Both Moaning ]" "Tongue." " Ooh!" " Wow!" "Wasn't thatcrazy Marshall Geller, the guy whoused to work in ourhigh school cafeteria?" "Nope." "That wascrazy Marshall Geller, my new personal hero." "Dude, let's bolt." "Hanging aroundsome stupid baris no place to meet women." "What are you talkin' about?" "You've been begging meto come here for months." "Jerry, buddy, trust me." "I have seen the light. * Come on, gettin' on down *" "* Get on down *" "* Get on, get on down *" "* Get on down, come on Go, go down *" "* Get on down *" "* Go, go down Get on down, come on *" "* Go, go down **" "[ Mutters ]" "Aw, son of a bitch!" "[ Horn Honks ]" "That was my space!" "Fuck you!" "Fuck you right back,buddy.Nick, back off." "I don't want to seean out-of-shape slobget his butt kicked." "He ain't thatout of shape.I'm talkin' about you!" "You break a sweatchanging your shoes.Oh, stop." "Bite me!" " Blow me!" " Kiss my ass!" " Fuck your mother!" " Oh, yeah?" "No one would wantto fuck my mother'cause she's too ugly!" "Think I lost that one.Oh, yeah." "Okay, it's the seven-day,six-night fun in the sunsingles package... with the standard three-to-onefemale-to-male ratio." "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "Just as the doctor ordered,right, buddy?" "I don't know, Nick.I don't thinkI'm ready for this." "Come on!" "It's been six months!" "I don't like the sun,and I get seasick." " Hmm." " I don't know what to say to strange women." "We're not going forthe discourse." "We're goingfor the intercourse!" "Sex!" "That's allyou ever think about!" "Sex, sex, sex, sex!" " We'll take it." " Ha-ha-ha!" "There you go.Excellent." "Oh, Larry.You're still here." "Mm-hmm.Your mother died." " What?" "When?" " This morning." "I'm sorry." "I thoughtyou got my Post-it." "[ Larry ] Okay, thanks, Michael." "All right." "Gentlemen,I might want you to considerthis stateroom right here." "It's a little bit larger" "Um, would you excuse mefor just a moment?" "Brian, help!" "[ Sobbing ]" "[ Bawling ] Mama!" "[ Crying Continues ] Oh, God!" " You!" " Fuck you, pal!" " Fuck you back." " Fuck your mother!" " Oh, yeah?" " No one would fuck my mother 'cause she's too ugly!" " We've been through this!" " Excuse me." "What seems to be the problem here?" " This guy-- pecker face." "This guy's a jerk.All right, Brian.You know what?" "Enough." "Let me handle this.Check on the ski packages.Yeah." "Over near the Mauigetaways." "Remember?" "Since the changeover?" "Yeah, I got 'em.I am so sorry." "Brian's had a little problemwith the-- and the-- and the-- and the" "Oh." "Yeah, bad news." "But now he's doing fine.He's doing a lot of great workwith unwed teenage mothers." "[ Chuckles ] So" " All right." "[ Clears Throat ]Let's see." "Seven-day, six-nightvacation cruise.Is that correct?" "That's the one, yeah.Right." "Yeah.Right." "Okay." "You guys are set,gentlemen." "I think you'llhave a very good time." "Please enjoy your vacation." "Thank you very much.And you should probablydo something about that guy." "Don't worry." "I've alreadytaken care of it.Good." "And hey,I'm a letter writer." "Duly noted.All right." "Bye-bye, now." "I'm too upsetto work ski packages." "I can't believeyou took care of them." "I took care of them,all right." "'Cause no one callsmy little peckera pecker." "Huh?" "Yeah." "Yeah.[ Giggling ]" "Wow!" "Look at the sizeof that thing!" "And just think--it's filled withavailable women." "Yeah,and here's the beauty partof the whole thing." "They can't get away from us.We'll be in the middleof the ocean." "They can try,but they'll drownor get eaten by sharks." "It's perfect!" "You know, sometimesI think there's somethingseriously wrong with you." "I can live with that.[ Guffawing ]" "Excuse me.Can I ask you something?" "Yes." "You board everybodyon this ship, right?" "Yes, sir." "Let me ask you a question,guy-to-guy." "Is there a lot ofsweet ass on this ship?" "I'm sure you'll be very happy." "Yes!" "Hear that, Jer?" "Hey, hey!" "All righty!" "Whoo!" "A boat filled withhot, beautiful women!" "Yes!" "Awesome, awesome awesome!" "Can't you just feelthe sexy, lovely creatures... boarding this love boatas we speak?" "Watch out!" "I'm comin'!" "* Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba *" "* Bee-ba, ba-ba, bee-ba **" "Yeah, yeah." "Whoo!" "Nick, you're right!" "This is great!" "Yeah, you know!" "[ Nick Yells ] Hey, what's up?" "How you doin'?" "Ooh!" "Yeah!" "All right!" "Friendly crowd, huh?" "Oh, yeah." "Don't you ever doubt me!" "What the hellwas that?" "Well, uh--Onboard entertainment." "You know?" "I bet Cirque du Soleil'shere, like Vegas!" "Oh, cool.Right?" "[ Sighs ]" "Hey!" "How are ya?" "There it is--stateroom 211." "The number that will beon everyone's lipsby the end of the trip." "Let's do it." "That's weird." "Only one bed.Oh, I know why." "'Cause we're gonna be havingso much sex, one guy's alwaysgonna be sleeping out." "Yeah, right." "You better hopethat couch is more comfortablethan it looks." "There's a mirroron the ceiling." "Excelente." "That way the babes can watch me... get my freak on!" "** [ Humming ]" "Check this out, Jer.Four racquetball courts.Hey!" "Nine cocktail lounges.Ooh." "A casino.Six and eightsare running mates!" "A video arcade.Onboard chest-waxing salon." "Chest waxing?" "Yeah, of course." "For swimming'.Let me see that." ""Club Socrates wants you to know you'll be treated like a queen."" "You mean "king."Queen.Says so right there." "That's weird.Hmm." "[ Knocking ]" "Hello." "Ring, ring, ring.Everybody conga!" "** [ Boom box:" "Salsa ]* Conga, conga, conga *" "* Everybody party Party, party, party * * 5:00 today **Yeah, baby!" "I told you, Jer.This boat is wild!" "Where's the party,sweet thing?" "Stateroom 209." "Ooh!" "Stateroom 209." "Hey!" "[ Low Voice ]It's casual.[ Purring ]" "[ Horn Blowing ]" "To fresh scratcheson our backs." " Scotch and soda, please." " Coming right up, sir." "** [ Sound System:" "Liza Minnelli ]" "Oh, please!" "Why do they alwayshave to play Liza?" "I don't know.I kind of like Lizawith a "Z."" "Yeah, she's kinda coolfor makin' out." "I prefer Johnny Mathismyself." "Yeah, if you're gonnamake out with a dude." "That is very funny." "[ Sighs ]My name is Faversham.Lloyd Faversham." "Nick Ragoni.Nick." "Jerry.It's your first cruise?" "No, my third.And you?" " NÃºmero uno." " Oh." "Then you are going topositively adore it." " It is one wild, decadent week." " That's why we're here, right?" "All-night parties." "Excellent." " Midnight skinny-dipping." " Sign me up!" "And if you're into it,lots of sex, sex... sex." "You hear that, Jer?" "All the sex a man could want." "Well, then you must visitthe hole-in-one room." "Oh, they have an onboard driving range." "Some of the chaps down theredo swing some very large clubs." "Hmm.You two havean open relationship?" "Open?" "What do you meanby "open relationship"?" "I mean, do you date?" "Of course we date.That's why we're here.Yeah!" "That's absolutely wonderful.We must get together sometime,go for a midnight swim." "Do whatever feels right." "That is what a gay cruiseis all about." "** [ Liza Minnelli Continues ]" "I see." "Hear that, Jerry?" "We can dowhatever we want,whatever feels right." "That's whata gay cruiseis all about." "Whatever we want to do,we can do it... becauseit's a gay cruise." "It's a gay cruise, Jerry!" "Not a bi cruise!" "It's a gay cruise!" "Capital "G," capital "A," capital "Y-M-C-A"... gay cruise, Jerry!" "Damn, damn, damn!" "I wonder how many other peoplemade the same mistake I did." "No one!" "Shit!" "Jerry!" "Don't worry, buddy!" "I'm bringing you back home.I'm gonna get you out of here.Let's go!" "Help!" "Help!" "Somebody help us!" "We're straight!" "We're straight!" "Hey!" "Nick!" "Stop acting like a jerk!" "We'll figure this out." " What are we gonna do?" "We gotta get off this boat." " Ooh!" "We gotta get off!" "Excuse me, sir." "You know wherewe can get off real quick?" "Try the hole-in-one room.I'm starting to think that'snot a real driving range." "In fact,I'm convinced of it." "Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!" "We're trapped like rats!" "What?" "I checked our itinerary." "We don't dockfor four days." " Why do I ever listen to you?" " Are you implying that this is somehow my fault?" "Oh, I'm not implying it.I'm saying it." "If you hadn't insulted that travel agent, none of this would've happened!" "Maybe there'sanother explanation." "Yeah?" "What?" "Maybe that travel agent thoughthe was doing you a favor... because, uh, you know" " Because what?" " Because you're a little femme, that's why!" "You always dress real nice,you're in shape, you're neat!" "Oh, and you use thosepastel-colored ballsat the bowling alley." "Don't think thatgot past me!" "You're an idiot,a thickheaded moron!" "Felicia was right.I should've dumpedyour ass years ago!" "If you wanted to dumpsomeone's ass years ago,it should've been Felicia's!" "Oh!" "That chickwas Satan's sister." "Yeah, devil in a "D" cup!" "Felicia was as frosty a bitchas I've ever seen!" "I'm gonna kill ya!" "I'm gonna kill you!" "[ Grunting ]" "I knew I heardchoo-chi, pom-pom time!" " Choo-choo-choo-choo!" " Don't get the wrong idea!" "Oh, Hector alwaysget the wrong idea." "That is why he'sno longer welcomein the state of Missouri." "Buddy, you prancedinto the wrong cabin." "My friend and I--We're not gay.Huh." "[ Sputters, Laughs ]Ring-ring!" "Hold the phone." " You're telling me you two guys are not gay." " That's right." "Oh, pull Hector's other leg.It's got bells on it." "I'm getting out of here." "Gee, what hasn'tgotten into him?" "Out!" "** [ Piano ] [ Men ] * Whoa, here he comes *" "* Watch out, boy He'll chew you up *" "* Whoa, here he comes He's a maneater *" "* Whoa, here he comes *" "* Watch out, boy He'll chew you up *" "* Whoa, here he comes He's a maneater *" "* I wouldn't if I were you **" "[ Applause ] [ Man ] Okay." "Bachelor Number Two, what's the most unusual place that you ever made love?" "Well, once I did itin a dressing roomat International Male." "Right." "And how 'bout you, Bachelor Number Three?" "What's the most unusual place that you ever made love?" " Inside a woman.- [ Audience Laughing ]" "[ Groans ]" "Hey, who we gotta screwto get a drink around here?" "[ Snickering ]Whoop." "Oop." "Ooh." "Ooh.Hey, buddy, you okay?" "Do I look gay?" "Never saw an old,gay grandpa before." "Aah.Whoo-hoo." "Where are allthe gay people at?" "Y'all always supposed towanna party." "Oops." "Oop." "Ooh!" "[ Gasps ]" " Are you okay?" " I'm fine!" "[ Thinking ]Men on dates, holding hands,touching, kissing." "I can't take it.Gotta think." "Not good at it.Took too much Shopin high school." "[ Helicopter Whirring ]" "Help!" "Pick me up!" "Get me out of here!" "Hey, drop down a ladder!" "I like girls!" "[ Passing Overhead ]" "[ Wailing ]" "Please!" "Please come back!" "[ Metal Banging ] [ Helicopter Sputtering ]" "Ohh!" "Oh, my-- [ Crashes Into Water ]" "Jesus!" "Oop." "Flare gun." "I don't know anything about a flare gun." "I swear I was here all night." "A flare gun?" "I don't knowanything about a flare gun.I was here all night." "Flare gun?" "I don't know nothing aboutno stinking flare gun!" "[ Door Opening ] Oh, shit." "Okay, here we are." "You should go change now.Where's your robe?" "Okay." "Okay, I give up!" "I give up!" "I did it!" "Hey, Jer.How was your evening?" "Hi." "Your friend hada little too muchto drink." "She thinks I'm drunk." "Ah, Nicky, Nicky!" "All right, all right." "I fell in the pool!" "Oh!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "[ Nick ] Ah, you're sitting on my balls!" "Okay, um, I'm gonnaleave you two alone." "Good night.Oh, you're gettin' meall wet." "[ Nick Groans ]" "Jerry!" "Wake up!" "I'm starvin'." "Come on, Jerry.[ Snoring ]" "Dude, don't make mego up there by myself.Get up." "Jerry!" "Screw it.What am I afraid of?" "[ Snoring ]" "How gaycould a buffet be?" "** [ Instrumental ]" "Is this seat taken?" "Actually" "I hate dining alone.Bet you feel the same way too.I'm okay with it." "I see you tookthe omelette, the wafflesand the flapjacks." "Hungry little man,aren't you?" "Would you care fora bite of my sausage?" "In England,we call them bangers.Eww!" "Captain,could you come over herea minute, please?" "Captain,there's a small craftoff the starboard bow... that's trying to getour attention.[ Grunts ]" "[ All Yelling ]Help!" "Help!" "Somebody save us!" "Somebody save us!" "Help!" "Jesus!" "Sound the alarm." "All hands on dick.Deck." "Deck!" "Hot tea?" "Why don't youhave a seat?" "For you." "Oh, my God!" " I must be dreaming." "Somebody pinch me." " Sure." "My pleasure." "Ow!" "I didn't sayon my ass!" "You didn't not say it.I didn't think I had to specify." "Jesus." "Nick, Nick!" "You gotta help me out." "Remember that woman thatdragged me to the roomlast night?" "I can't get her off my mind.She kissed me." "Technically,it was mouth-to-mouth." "But it was fabulous.I mean, I gotta find her.I was so wasted la" "Who are they?" "The answer to our prayers,Jerry." "Twelve of the most gorgeouscreatures I've ever seen." "Ooh.But I'm not greedy." "I'll share.Go ahead." "Pick two." "No.This girl was fabulous." "She's special.I gotta find her." "Ooh!" "She's special, special." "Hello." "H-H-Hi." "Who are you?" "I'm Nick Ragoni, the mostgrateful man on the planet." "I'm Inga.Very pleasurableto meet you." "How'd you all get here?" "We are the Swedishsuntanning team... on our way to the HawaiianTropics competitionin some bars." "Some bonehead shot downour helicopter." "Coach had to makewater landing." "I didn't think this wasgonna happen until I diedand went to heaven." "It's lucky thingwe were picked up by a boatfull of homo boys." "It would be terribleto have straight menhassling and ogling us... while we're trying to workon our even tan lines." "Oh, you're so right." "Lucky I'm gay!" "I'm super gay." "I'm mega" " I'm gay-normous!" "I'm so gay." "But that's good,'cause now you guys canali feel comfortable... in front of me and take off your tops and stuff." "And I can do this for you." "I can put tanning oilsand creamy lotions... all overyour luscious bodies!" "And there won't beany worries from youbecause..." "I'm so gay!" "[ Laughs ]" "* When you need something Don't stop, don't stop * [ Nick Moaning ]" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, baby!" "Yeah, baby!" "Almost finished!" "Yeah!" "[ Screaming ]" "Okay, let's do the back." "The first time I thinkI realized I was gay... was when I was around 12,in Scouts." "I really liked putting onthat kerchief." "In fact, it was the only parti liked about it." "That and the nude swimming." "Anyway, I hope you galsall feel comfortablearound me!" " [ All ] Ja, Nick.- 'Cause I sure do feel comfortable around you." "All done!" "Who's next?" "How 'bout you, Ursula?" "Ready for your second coat?" "Uh-oh, these thighs looka little dry." "There we go.[ Laughing ]" " What do you want?" " [ Ferocious Growling ]" "What the hell is that?" "I got this fromthat dude over there.He's hot." "You are no gay homo man." "I am Sonya, coach of tanning team." " What?" " Quiet!" "As long as these women are in training, there will be no trouser snakesnear their hot, luscious po-pos!" "Put me down!" "Coach of the tanning team.That's ridiculous!" "If I want to talkto any of these ladies,I will, and there's not a damn thingyou can do to stop me!" " Oh, yeah?" " [ Nick Screams, Groans ]" "[ Barks ]What the hellhappened to you?" "I diedand went to heaven, and then some muscle-boundblond dwarf knocked meback down to hell." " What?" " You know those 12 gorgeous hotties?" " They got a goddamn bodyguard." " Oh." "I can take disappointments,Jer, but little Nicky, he's already known such heartache in his short life." "Then I guess all three of usstruck out." "I still can't find that girl.I've looked everywhere." "You know," "I've kissed Felicia for fouryears and never felt anythinglike I felt last night." "That girl was special.I gotta find her." "You're abandoning me?" "What am I supposed to do?" "It's a luxury cruise.Not everything'sgay-oriented." "[ Man ] No more bets!" "Red three is the winner." "[ Cackling ]Beautiful." "Poker.This is gonna be sweet!" "These trouser pilotsare no match for a lustyhetero like myself." "This will be liketaking candy from a baby." "Why is that?" "Are gay men notoriouslybad gamblers?" "Awful!" "They can't bluff." "They look at cards,they start giggling.It's terrible." "Nick, promise me you won'tact like a gay-bashing,narrow-minded Neanderthal." "Buddy,you're talking to me." "The lady, couple of ducks--quack, quack-- possible flush." "Hello, gays-- guys.Mind if I join you?" "Sure thing, gorgeous." "I can't remember--does a straightbeat a flush?" "[ Cash Register Ringing ] [ Nick ] Damn!" " I really thought I had that one." " Listen, Nick." "I don't want youto take offense, but can Igive you a piece of advice?" "What?" "Don't clearyour throat." "What?" "Every time you bluff,you clear your throat.I do?" " Mm-hmm." " Don't play the cards." "Play the players.[ Sighs ]" "All right, here we go.Ante up, five in the chute,three-card Monty." "Kings to win." "Here we go.Uh, and there's a winner." "We got a winner." "Hey, you." " [ Whimpers ]" " Unbelievable." "That was embarrassing!" "They offer a poolsafety class on board.You should check it out." "Let megive you a hand." "I'm Gabriella." "I'm" " I'm Jerry." "** [ Humming ]" "Oh, boy!" "Hi.Hi!" "You like?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, the ice cream.Yeah, that's okay." "Coach would kill meif she knew I broke training, but I no can help." "I am--What is the word?" "Oral." "That's the word, and what a wonderful wordit is." "I'm so lonely." "Coach is being very strictabout keeping usaway from men... during tanning season." "It's too badyou're gay, Nick.Good night." "Inga,wait, wait, wait." "I've always been curiousabout your country." "You mindif I ask you something?" "Yeah." "What would you liketo know about, Nick?" "Our cities, our lakes and rivers, our safe and sturdyautomobiles?" "I'm a big fan of your cinema.I've rented quite a bit of it." "I've noticed your people'sprogressive attitudestowards premarital sex." "So what I waswondering is, theoretically,if my own sexual orientationwere to be" "If you're asking if I'd sleepwith you if you were straight,the answer is ja." "Ja?" "Ja?" "Ja means yes, right?" "Ja." "Inga, I have a surprisefor you." "I'm straight." "I'm as straightas a Volvo going downan Oslo toll road." "Oslo is in Norway." "The point is,we can make love." "I know that's the best newsI've ever heard." "I'm in cabin 4433.Meet me in five minuten." "You got it.Five minuten." "And not a minuten more." "Hello." "Are thereany condoms availableon the ship?" "[ Knocking ]" "Come in.Door is open." "Mm-hmm." "Coach!" "Change in room assignments.You bunk with Pia." " But why, Coach?" " You cannot be trusted with mini bar." "You are in training.But, Coach,I eat nothing all day." "You ate yesterday, ja?" "[ Loud Slap ]" "Your butt is disgusting.Wait, I'd better double check." "[ Gasping ] Ja." "Disgusting." "[ Gasping ]Both cheeks." "Oh, ja, ja, ja." "Move it, fatty!" "Knock it offand go to bed.All right, Coach." "Thank you for lending me your jacket." " So what do you do on this ship?" " I'm a dance teacher." "Wow." "Teaching dancemust be fun." "It can be." "You know, especiallyon the gay cruises." " They're much more fun than the straight ones." " Why is that?" "You go on the straight cruisesand all you meet are these...horny creeps." "Oh.I got a friend like that." "[ Sighs ]" "I bet men hit on you all the time." "You've got a hot ass." " Excuse me?" " Your ass-- it's hot." "Thanks." " Your butt's nothin' to sneeze at either." " Ooh." "So... you must havea boyfriend." "No, no, no, no." "No boyfriend." "Really?" " Why not?" " Because every boyfriend I've ever had... has turned out to bea son of a bitch." "Not every guy's a--I know what you're thinking." "I haven't met the right guy." "Trust me, honey,I've met every type out there,and it's pretty bad." "Liars,guys with two wives, guys with commitment issues, guys with parole issues." "You name it,I've dated them all, which is why I'm so relievedto be on this boat." "There's not one straight manin sight." "Excuse me?" "It's so great." "I can really be myself.I don't care about makeup,about what I'm wearing, if a guy's talking to mebecause he wants toget into my pants." "Gabriella, um--You know what else?" "Let's say I do get horny." "Maybe I can even finda gay guy, and he cando me the favor." ""The favor"?" "How do we say in English?" "Make me scream, make me moan, screw my brains out." "Ooh." "I don't meanto be a bitch, but these stateroomscould use a bit more color." "Now we are laying downto sleep, our hot, tight bodiesthe Lord will keep." "Inga, darling.It's me, Nicky." "I'm here!" "Oh, Reverend Lindstrom, nej." "This wouldn't do.What would the bishop say?" "Who's knockingat my drawers?" " Oh, my-- - [ Muscles Cracking ]" "Take Mama downtown,baby!" "Oh, Mama!" "Help me, Jesus!" "[ Babbling ]" "[ Nick Screaming ]" "Oh!" "[ Nick Screaming ]" "[ Gasping ]" "* She put the lime in the coconut and shake 'em all up *" " Nej, nej, nej." "Ja, ja, ja, ja." " Get off me!" "Oh, why?" "* Put the lime in the coconut and drink 'em all up * [ Coach Giggling ]" "* Put the lime in the coconut and drink 'em all up **" " [ Screams, Grunts ]" " What's that?" "It's coming fromthe coach's room." " [ All Gasp ]- [ Sighs ]" "Smokin' sturgeon!" "Coach's pussy just blew up!" "Was good for me." "Ja." "* Sometimes it's hard to be a woman *" "* Givin' all your love to just one man *" "* You'll have bad times You'll have good times *" "* Doin' things that you don't understand *" "Oh, baby." "* But if you love him you'll forgive him *" "* Even though he's hard to understand *" "* And if you love him *" "* Oh, be proud of him *" "* 'Cause after all he's just a man *" "* Stand by your man *" "* Give him two arms to cling to *" "* And something warm to come to when the nights are cold and lonely *" "* Stand by your man **" "[ Jerry ] I gotta tell you, Nick, she's so great." "We had so much fun." "We talked, we laughed." "Oh, can you hand me oneof those cheese-flavoredpenises?" "Gabriella's everythingI've ever wantedin a woman." "I even pierced my earfor her.Make sure it's the right ear." "Of course it's" "Yeah, I betterlook into that.How was your evening?" "Let's just sayi had some bad shellfishand leave it at that." "Hey!" "Hold on. [ Jerry ] Here she comes." "Grab my ass.What, are you crazy?" "I told her I was gay.Now, wet your lips andlook at me lovingly." " I look like a homo to you?" " Yes, an out-of-shape one, but we have those too." "Thank you very much.That's enough." "Move it along.Nothing to see here." "Bye-bye." " What do you want me to do, act like I'm gay" " Ow!" " Hi, boys!" "I don't believe you two have formally been introduced." "This is my life partner." "I'm not his life" " Ow!" "He's a little seasickthis morning." "Maybe he's justa little lovesick.Right!" "[ Screaming ] [ Bone Cracks ]" " We're into SM." " Oh, okay." "Nick, maybe if you feelbetter later, you would liketo come to my new class?" "Yeah?" "It's dirty dancing." "Ooh, dirty dancing." "Ooh, so taboo." "What the hell'swrong with you?"He's my life partner!"" "You need to keepan open mind.Nick, hey!" "It's onlyfor a few days.Quit bugging me." "I'm getting my nuts handedto me on a platter." "I wouldn't mind seeing that." "Don't say it!" "Why not?" "'Cause I won't,that's why." "Be a friend.As a friend,you're a wiener." "Now buzz off!" "I'm trying to concentrateon my workout." "You're not workin' out." "Nick, if you do methis one favor,I promise you I" "Nick!" "Come on." "Listen,I'm begging you." "[ Loud Slap ] [ Man ] Aaah!" "Maybe I'll skipthe steam.That's a good idea." "Hey." "Listen." "After what happenedwith Felicia," "I thought I'd never feelthis way about a girl again." "Why are you makingsuch a big dealabout this girl?" "She's a classicman hater!" "No, no, no!" "See, Gabrielladoesn't mean it." "She's just had bad luckwith guys she dates because theyonly wanna have sex with her." "You know the type.[ Mock Laugh ]" "Don't ever take sidesagainst the guys!" "Nick, I just need a few daysto get to know her, and then I'll tell her the truth." "Why are you hidingfrom that woman?" "Hiding!" "I'm not hiding.I have a cramp." "Nick, I'm desperate.What if I offeredto pay you?" "Pay me!" "How dare you?" "You think I'd sacrificemy dignity, my self-esteem,my whole way of life... for a few measly dollars?" "No!" "500 cash?" "I'll do it!" "Come closer.You're too far away.No!" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Beautiful!" "Very nice,everyone." "I love it." "Jerry, you're lighton your feet." "Yeah, this whole placeis light on its feet.Ow!" "No, Nick." "Your body's too stiff." "Listen to me." "There you go." "Move it.Then go and danceby yourself." "And feel the music, Nick." "Feel it." "Feel it." "Hmm." "[ Chuckling ]" "Okay, everyone.Change partners." "Cha-cha, cha-cha-cha.We meet again." "I hope that'syour belt buckleI feel back there." "You know,from the moment we met,I felt... there wasan electrical chargebetween us." "I think your pacemaker'sshortin' out." "How did you knowl like to be humiliated?" "Look, Lloyd,you're barking upthe wrong tree here." "Oh, I know!" "You want to lead." "Lloyd, I'm not... interested." "That's all right.I'm a patient man.I can wait." "I'm also very rich." "You know, I'd liketo spoil you, Nick, take you placesyou've never been, show you thingsyou've never seen." "I'd like to--[ Whispering ]" "Jerry!" "Cha-cha-cha." "That's it." "You're a really gooddance teacher.Really?" "Yes.It's fun to teacha class like this." "I always felttoo self-consciousto really... cut loose, you know?" "We have a reviewhere on board." "It's likean amateur night thing." "Think you'llbe interested?" "Too public." "I'm moreof a closet dancer." "That's a shame becauseI'm the choreographer." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Well, for youI might just waltzout of the closet." "You know, it's strange." "What's that?" "The way you stare at mesometimes... or the way you touch me,like that right now, is exactly the waya straight guy would." "Me?" "Straight?" "[ Laughs ]" "Girlfriend, please." "Whoo!" "Nobody's gottateach me how to be gay." "Bette Midleris also known... as the Divine Miss" ""M"?" "Ah, very good!" "Very good.Oh, sorry." "Okay, now describethe Brandy Alexanderyou're drinking." "Mmm... refreshing." "No, no, no!" "It is to die for!" "Also acceptableis divine, marvelous, yummy and ooh-la-la." "Got it.Mm-hmm." "[ Both ]* At first I was afraid I was petrified *" "* Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side *" "* But then I spent so many nights *" "* Thinking how you did me wrong *" "* Then I grew strong *" "* And I learned how to get along *" "* And now you're back *" "* From outer space *" "* I just walked in to see you there with that sad look upon your-- **" "Why you stop singing?" "Whoo!" "Oh, I don't know the words.Aah!" "You want to convince peopleyou are gay, and you don't knowthe words to "I Will Survive"?" "Singing disco tunes and wearingcalypso outfits is not gonnaconvince Gabriella I'm gay." "Hector, this is stupid." "** [ Humming "I Will Survive" ]" "Are you humming"I Will Survive"?" "That's right." "And I know all the words.** [ Humming ]" "You're looking at melike I'm crazy.I'm not." "You know what?" "Champagne usuallymakes me act crazy too." "Champagne, ocean air." "Strange thingsmight happen." "I might turn intoa raging heterosexual." "I should be so lucky.Can you imagine?" "You know what?" "Let's get this partyon its feet." "Come on." "* I'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes * * Feelin' good *" "* Know where I'm going and I know what to do * * Yeah *" "* I tidied up my point of view I got a new attitude *" "* New attitude, yeah *" "* I'm in control and my worries are few *" "* 'Cause I've got love like I never knew *" "* I got a new-ooh-ooh *" "* I got a new attitude **" "Inga, it's me, Nicky." "[ Knocking ] Hurry up." "Nicky." "So Mr. Tonguehas a name." "I'm sorry about what happened.You don't have to hit me.The deed was punishment enough." "Nej, nej, nej." "If we ever hook up again,I want to show you..." "I can reciprocate." "Reciprocate?" "Whoo!" "Ooh." " [ Groans ]- [ Grunting ]" "* I don't want nobody else but you *" "* So let me pull you close Let me love you through and through *" "* I don't want nobody else but you *" "* It's time to get away and have a tÃªte-Ã -tÃªte for two *" "* Shake, shake shake, shake your body *" "* Come on, boy let's have a party *" "* Break out the congas and play 'em loud *" "* Shake up shake up the party *" "* Come on, boy we don't need nobody *" "* Together I know we'll tear up the town **" " Hey, Nick!" " Hey, fresh meat." "Have a seat, Nick." "We can always usea little extraspending money." "I can use a quiet gameof poker.Sorry I'm late, boys." "Had a little trouble squeezinginto these panty hose." " So, what's the game?" " Five-card stud." "Mm-hmm." "Very appropriate.Let's play some cards." "I'm tired, Jerry." "You want somethingto drink?" "Whoa, whoa." "One more." "** [ Singing In French ]" "** [ French Continues ]" "[ Thunder Rumbling ]" "Hector." "You've beenon a boat before.Is it safe?" "Of course it's safe,as long as youare responsible." "Oh, you mean the storm.That I do not know." "[ Thunderclap ] Whoa!" "Let me ask you something.How many cruiseshave you been on?" "Including this one?" "That would make it... one." "You see, I only recentlycome all the way outof the closet." "Recently?" "Really?" "Mmm." " I would figure kindergarten." " No, but let me tell you, it wasn't easy." "But it's better to be true to yourself than to lie to the world." "Must have takena lot of guts.It's funny, you know." "These guysI'm playing poker with--Steven, Tom, Ron." "Steven's a doctor.A gay heart surgeon.Who would have thought?" "Ron's a criminal defense attorney." "He represents badass dudes." "Tom's a cross-dressing pastry chef." "Okay, I would haveguessed that, but still... they're a greatbunch of guys." "So what are you saying?" "What am I saying?" "What I'm saying is,I kind of wanted to hang outmore with these guys, but there was a part of methat felt it was somehow... wrong to be friendswith gay men." "And that... makes me feellike a jerk." "[ Sighs ]You know, my papa, he used to thinkthat to be gaywas muy malo, a big shame." "He no talk to mefor 20 years, his own blood." "Then when he's sick, he's dying, h-he ask for me, he say to me,"Hector," ""I waste so much time." ""We all God's children." "I'm so sorry."" "He said, "I'm sorry."" "Ooh." "Uh" "You see, my papi, he like you.He no jerk." "He just need to learn." "You learn too, my friend." "[ Door Closes ]" "[ Jerry, Gabriella Laughing ]" "Ohh!" "Ow, I'm hurting." "[ Thunderclap ] Oh, it feels so goodto get off my feet!" "Ohh!" "I couldn't agreewith you more." "You know what?" "I've got to get outof these clothes." "I couldn't agreewith you more." "Listen, would you minddoing me a huge, huge favor?" "Would you spendthe night with me?" "What?" "Yeah, you know,it's the storm." "I wouldn't mindcuddling under the coverswith somebody." "You think Nickwould mind?" "Oh" "Fuck Nick. [ Thunderclap ]" "Is this stormgettin' worse... or am I too drunker?" "I have a theory." "I thinkif we drank more, we might be ableto maintainperfect equilibrium." "I'll try that... in the pursuitof... science." "I'll get usanother round.I have a better idea." "I have a 50-year-old bottle of cognac... in my room, and I'm gonna go get it." "I'll go with you." "I could usethe exercise." "All right." "[ Gabriella ] Jerry." "We can get up from under the covers." "I think the storm was over, like, half an hour ago." "That's one hellof a storm though." "You know what?" "I have somethingyou're gonna love!" "Mmm!" "Get readyto have an orgasm.What?" "Open wide." "Mmm.Good?" " Mm-hmm.- [ Moans, Sighs ]" " Do me." " You're so lucky I'm gay." "Oh!" "Mmm!" "[ Moaning ]" " Can I ask you something?" " Shoot." " How do you do it?" " Do what?" " Give head." " What?" "A blow job.I mean, do you starton the tip of his penis?" "Do you stroke itwhile you use your mouth?" "Do you tickle the balls?" "Not everybody likes that." "As a person whogives them and receives them,you must know the perfect way." "Show me.Oh!" "Uh" "What?" "Uh" "Okay." "Um" "Um--[ Chuckles ]" "What?" "Eh" " You" "Nothing smaller then?" "You know,I got an idea." "Why don't you show meyour technique, and thenI'll critique it?" "Okay.Okay." "Okay.Okay." "Yeah." "So look." "First," "I slowly lick the tipwith my tongue, right?" "Uh-huh." "[ Moans ]" " Right?" " That's good." "Then I gently go down the shaft with my lips." "And at the same time, I tickle the balls." "Then I twirl my tongue all the way..." "[ Moans ] back to the top." "Then I wet my lips," "[ Moans ]" "I do a littleplayful nibbling..." "[ Speaking Spanish ]" "[ Spanish ]" "How's that?" " Jerry?" " That's fine!" "[ Foghorn Bellows ]" "For goodness sake, Lloyd,at least kiss me first." "[ Laughing ]No, you didn't." "Oh, yes, I did." "Oh, now where didI put that bag?" "I'm just gonna lay down." "[ Snores ]" "[ Groans ]Got it." "[ Snoring ]" "Now, before we go back upwith the boys, what do you saywe do a couple of shots?" "[ Giggling ]You're a goddamn genius." "Here you go." "Oh.[ Scoffs ]" "[ Snoring ]" "[ Moans ]" "[ Screaming ]Oh, my..." "God!" "Aaah!" "What are you doing?" "I have a horribletaste in my mouth,and I can't get rid of it." "What, did youeat something weird?" "Yeah.Oh" "I did a bad,bad thing, Jerry.What?" "You know how the sea airmakes you disoriented, and I was blitzedfrom the drinkingand the partying, and I-I" "I slept with a man, Jerry." "Very funny." "No, it's not." "I just woke upin Ron's state room...with Ron." "What?" "I've chased a lotof women, Jerry." "But to be honest," "I've never actuallyscored with one sinceI was a senior in high school, and then I had to promiseto marry her." "A 51-year-oldcoffee shop waitress... and stroke victim... with a fake leg... and a lazy eye... and a mole with teeth--I-I got it." "What I'm trying to say is, maybe I'm meant to do morethan just play cardswith these guys, Jerry." "[ Scoffs ]I'm finally happy." "I'm so happy." "I'm gay." "[ Gabriella ] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "And one, two,three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "Good." "Good work, guys." "Good work." "Hector, try notshaking your ass so much." "You mean in the danceor in real life?" "Okay, guys, thank youso much for coming." "I'll see you back heretonight at 11:00." "Jerry, you arelooking fierce up there." "Oh-- [ Laughing ]" "I can't rememberwhen I've had this much fun." "You know, you are just great." "Hey, are you gonna goto the island?" "I am." "Do you want meto be your tour guide?" "I know the island very well." "That would be yummy." "Yummy?" "Uh, let's go." "Nicholas, I was beginningto wonder about you." "I'm glad to see that youfinally got that luscious, full-figured frame of yoursin the right dinghy." "It's amazing.A day ago, I would haveseriously thought about... punching youin the face for sayingsomething like that." "This place is paradise.Oh, yeah." "We're gonnahave an awesome time." "I'll say." "I can alreadyfeel the men around hereundressing me with their eyes." "You hungry?" "You wantto get something to eat?" "Nope." "I have a better idea." "Let's go exploring first.Great." "Daddy, thanks so muchfor finding out whereJerry is for me." "Yeah, I'm sure thingsare gonna work out too." "Bye-bye." "Love you, Daddy." "How do I getto the Olympia Voyager?" "Right this way, madam." "Be careful with those bags.They're worth morethan you make in a year." "[ Chuckling ]Bon voyage." "Bitch." "Hey, Nick.How ya doin'?" "Hey, fine.I'm not sore or anything." "Hey, buddy,about last night," "I understand why it happened." "I mean, uh,I'm pretty charismatic, and if the moon hits mein just the right way," "I can lookpretty damn tasty." "You know, you're okay too, but, uh, I'd just reallyrather we stay friends." "All right." "Me too, Nick." "Yeah?" "Wow.Yeah." "If I would have said thatto a chick, she'd bea total mess right now." "I'm starting to see the upsideto this whole thing. [ Marching ]" "If you do what Sonya says--one, two, three, four." "Woke up with no tanning cream,now you're off the tanning team." "One, two, three, four--Coach, look, it'sthe Hawaiian Tropic team." "[ Swedish ]" "[ Man ] Hey, break it up, ladies." "Come on." "Move." "Come on." "Take it easy." "[ Whistles ]Break it up." "Break it up." "Save it forthe tanning competition." "Bad!" "You are bad!" "Everybody move out now!" "Okay, girls, get yourheinies on the donkeys... now!" "Nick?" "I just wanted to say good-bye.I'm going to the airport now." "Inga, it was greatalmost knowing you." "Nick, if you're ever nearGettzemÃ¼llersteigen, Sweden," "I would love to see you again." "I don't think so, baby." "I don't thinkthis is gonna work out." "But I thoughtyou liked me, Nick." "I'm confused." "[ Sighs ]So am I.You don't even know." "You better hurry." "You have an ass to catch." "[ Sniffling ]" "And you?" "Huh." "Hey." "[ Sonya ] And we go." "Oh, that feels good." "Hey, Nick.About last night, you don't think anythinghappened, do you?" "What do you think happened?" "Nothing.You and I drank too muchand then fell asleep." "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "Inga!" "[ Cackling ]Inga!" "Well, I think we lostthat one forever." "A lot of potentialin that boy." "Could have beenone of the great ones." "I saw in himwhat I saw in Elton John.Mmm." "Had your vitamin C today?" "You know, you really make me laugh." "Mmm." "I'm so glad we met.[ Gasps ]" "Mm-hmm." "You know,it really is a shame... to let this placego to waste." "Just a friendly kiss.Mmm." "[ Moaning ]" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Jerry, I don't want to feellike I am pressuring you... into doing somethingyou don't want to do." "Oh, I want to do thisvery badly." "Really?" "Yes." "Okay.So, let me be your guide." "And I promise, I'm gonna--I'm gonna be gentle." "I'm gonna be patient." "And I'm gonna take itvery, very slowly." " Great.- [ Screams ]" "[ Gasping ]" "Ooh!" "[ Moaning ]" "* As I'm kissing you *" "* As I'm kissing you * [ Gabriella Moaning ]" "* As I'm kissing you *" "* Are you ready to catch me I'm fallin' in love **" "Jerry, Jerry, you're a really quick study." "That's enough foreplay." "Excuse me." "Could you ringJerry Robinson's room, please?" "Certainly." "[ Chuckles ][ Ringing ]" "No one seemsto be answering, ma'am." "Oh" " Could yougive me his room number?" "I'm sorry." "We're not allowedto divulge that information." "Would you liketo leave a message?" "No, thanks.I want to surprise him." "Thank you." "[ Scoffs ]" "Want to have dinnerwith me tonight?" "No.Why not?" "Because I'm fallingin love with you." "You are?" "Yes, I am." "And out of all the dumb, boneheaded romantic movesI've made over the years, you see, this will bethe dumbest." "No-No-No." "Wait, Gabriella.This-This could work." "How do you thinkthis is gonna work?" "I can't make you intosomething you're not, Jerry." "I do that with every man I fall for, and it has to stop." "Besides, you alreadyhave someone.No, I don't." "What about Nick?" "Uh" "That's just... physical." "Listen." "I have to acceptwho you really are." "I really want to bealone right now." "[ Squeals ]" "[ Clears Throat ]Hi." "Hi." "It's kind of niceseeing another womanon board." "Oh, tell me about it." "All I've seen are men,most of them gay." "Well, it is a gay cruise." "[ Sighs ]" " What'd you just say?" " You didn't know?" "No." "I came on board to get back together with my boyfriend." "I don't get it.Why in the worldwould he be on a g" "[ Elevator Dings ]" "Good luck." "Thanks." "Hector!" "Ooh" "[ Crash ]" "Have you seen Gabriella?" "No, I've been lookingfor her myself." "Everything is falling apart.The music is not ready" "Victor, the lead dancer,is seasick." "And look at my costume.Huh?" "It hangs." "It's supposed to drape." "Okay." "If you see Gabriella,could you give her this messagefor me, please?" "[ Screams ]" "How could Ihave been so blind?" "I mean, the signs wereright in front of my eyes." "[ Hiccups ]Foreign films," "Rabbit convertible, gourmet mustards" "Wait." "Maybe he's only curious." "I mean, there was that one timewhen I was in college, my roommate Bianca and I,we shared a Jacuzzi." "[ Chuckling ]Whoa." "Now that gotkind of hot." "Oh." "I got to go, Bob.Keep the change.Thanks." "Think twice before you" "* Blow the man down *" "[ Hector ] Woo-hoo-hoo!" "Thank you." "Okay." "Get everybodyready for the next number.They have less than a minute." "What?" "Nobody told me Victorwas too sick to dance.Who's gonna be the lead?" "* I'm comin' *" "* Comin' out *" "* I'm comin' * I'm comin'..." "* Out * out." "Oh, my God." "[ Lip-synching ] * I'm comin' out *" "* I want the world to know Got to let it show *" "* I'm comin' out *" "* I want the world to know Got to let it show *" "* I'm comin' *" "* Out *" "* There's a new me comin' out *" "* And I just have to live And I just wanna give *" "* I'm completely positive *" "* I think this time around *" "* I am gonna do it like you never knew it *" "* Oh, I'll make it through *" "* The time has come for me to break out of this shell *" "* I have to shout that I am comin' out *" "* I'm comin' out * * Oh, yeah *" "* I want the world to know *" "* Got to let it show *" "* Oh, I'm comin' out *" "* Comin' out * * I want the world to know *" "* Got to let it show * * Oh, yeah *" "* I'm comin' *" "* Out *" "Oh." "* I'm comin' out * * Comin' *" "* I want the world to know * * Out *" "* Got to let it show *" "* Woo-oo, I'm * * I'm comin' out *" "* Comin' *" "* I want the world to know * * Out *" "* Got to let it show *" "* Comin' out * * I'm comin' out *" "* Comin' * * I want the world to know *" "* Out * * Got to let it show *" "* I'm * * I'm comin' out *" "* Comin' * * I want the world to know *" "* Out * * Got to let it show **" "Cocksucker!" "Felicia." "I was talkin' to him." "Bu" "[ Crying ] [ Jerry ] Felicia!" "Felicia, what are youdoing here?" "Don't even talk to me.I feel so humiliated." "Oh.Well, how did you find me?" "What were you thinking aboutwhen we were making love--cabana boys?" "Hey, hey" " I am not gay.And to think, I wantedto be your wife!" "What?" "I really missed you, Jerry." "All the special times we had--we complimented each other." "We could have builta life together." "Built a life together?" "Yes." "Well, what about Andre,the buffer boy?" "It was just a fling.Oh" "A horrible, thoughtless,insensitive mistake.Eh" "But he showed me whatI really wanted--Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "A stable, decent man who willalways be there for me." "And I thought that that was you." "[ Sighs ]What are you saying?" "You want to get back together?" "Well, I did... beforeI found out that you were gay." "How could you think I'm gay?" "You're standing there preeninglike a gay peacock, and you don't want meto think you're tutti-frutti?" "For heaven's sake, Felicia!" "I am not gay,and I never have been gay." "Then why the hellare you on this boat?" "Nick" " Nick and I got on this cruise by mistake." "And then I met this girl, and she assumed I was gay." "And then I stupidlywent along with it because" "She's behind me, isn't she?" "[ Sighs ]" "[ Groans ]" "How could you?" "Gabriella, I'm sorry." " I tried to tell you." " You're an asshole, Jerry." "[ Sighs ]I" " Ow!" "[ Squeals ] [ Felicia ] Oh, oh" "Oh!" "Oh, oh.Not again!" "Oh." "That was the girlI was talking about." "Well, looks likeyou had a dumb fling yourself." "I tell you what,if you can forgive me," "I can certainly forgive you." "And we can get married just like you always wanted, Jerry." "Oh, I love you, baby." "What do you say?" "[ Man ] Great." "Now one of the bride and groom... staring at each other lovingly." "You look so beautiful.Thank you." "Why don't we bothlook beautiful?" "[ Whispering ]Take out that earring." "[ Jerry ]Felicia is good for me." "She planned this entire weddingall by herself." "Got me a great jobwith her father." "Got us a new apartment,picked out all the linensand plates." "And as our wedding gift, she gave mean entire new wardrobe." "Hmm." "Yep, the only decisionI have left to makefor the rest of my life... is whether I want to beburied or cremated." "No, no, I take that back." "We're being buried side by side.She told me this morning." "Hey, Jerry,I'm sorry I'm late." "I had a little bit ofa personal crisis this morning." "Is everythingall right, Pastor?" "Oh, fine." "Fine." "Just, uh, had a few personalissues I had to clarify, but" "Hey, it's your big day.Nothing's gonna spoil it." "Glad to see youfinally made it, Reverend." "I've got a string quartetback at the Hyatt about togo into golden time." "Congratulations, sir.Thank you." "Friends of yours?" "Yes, sir." "I met them on the cruise.Oh." "So you accidentally hoppedaboard the Guy-tanic too, huh?" "How's it goin'?" "I guess not." "Jerry, I'm gonna keepmy eye on you." "What's up, guys?" "Hey, come here." "It's important.You're not gonna believe this." "[ Whispering, Indistinct ]" "There is no more sacred contractthan the bond of marriage... and no more spiritual union... than that between a man and a woman." "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... to bring this man and this woman... together in the eyes of" "In the eyes of, uh" " God?" " God." "Yeah, yeah.That's what you say." "No, that's what you say." "Yeah, yeah." "Well, I used to until recently." "I mean, uh, if therereally was a God, would he allow my wife to run off with a contractor... who overcharged mefor a bay window?" "But that's my problem." "That's my problem." "I'm sorry." "It's your day." "Where was I?" "Um, a happy marriage isthe perfect human relationship, a setting in which each partner feels free... to be as he or she is under God's bountiful nature." "That same nature that allowedthe number-five horseat Pimlico..." " to screw me in a photo finish.- [ Clears Throat ]" "I'm sorry." "Where was I?" "Ah, yeah, yeah." "Um" " Oh" " So if thereis anyone present who feelsthere's a reason... that these two people should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak nowor forever hold their peace." "[ Minister ] Okay, fine." "Jerry, then, if there is noobjection, turn to Feliciaand repeat after me." "I, Jerry, take you Felicia... to be my lawful wedded" " Stop." "Wait, wait!" "[ Nick ] Time out!" "Time out!" "Nick, what are you doing?" "I have to say something." "If I didn't speak now,I could never live with myself." "A couple weeks ago, Jerry and I took a cruise together." "It wasn't the cruise we intended to take, but... it was a good thingwe got on the wrong boat,because... it changed our lives forever." "Jerry, if you marryFelicia today, it will end up in disaster." "You need to be with the person you fell in love with on that boat." "And I know it, because that person... is me.Hmm?" "Oh, oh!" "[ Screams ]" "How much of that potdid you smoke?" "I know where Gabriella is.If we hurry, we can catch her." "Jerry, what the hellis wrong with you?" "You can't humiliate melike this in frontof my family and my friends!" "My dad is gonna kill you!" "Come on, Rocco!" " Come on, boy." " Daddy!" "Move!" "Move!" "Daddy, do something!" "* I need love, love *" "* To ease my mind *" "Where's your car?" "We're not taking my car.We'd never make it across town." "Yoo-hoo!" "Boys!" "Boys. * You can't hurry love *" "* No, you just have to wait * [ Siren Wailing ]" "* She said love don't come easy *" "Hector, you're a fireman. * It's a game of give and take *" "Yes." "I'm Novemberin our calendar. * You can't hurry love *" " Hey, hey!" "Stop!" " Thank you, Ernie, dear." "Call me!" "* Well, how many heartaches *" "* Must I stand Before I find the love **" " So where's Gabriella?" " She signed up to work another cruise." " When does she leave port?" " Two hours ago." "Two hours ago?" "And how am I supposed tofind her in the ocean?" "[ Engine Whirring ]" "[ Jerry ] I can't do this!" "Oh, I get motion sickness!" "You're about to be unitedwith the woman you love." "What do you think?" "Oh--Why don't you calm down?" "You are in very,very good hands." "Are you sure you knowwhat you're doing?" "I know you onlythink of me... as a hard-partyingold queen, but for your information, I spent 32 years... in the armed forces... serving Her Majesty,the real queen." "I've seen actionin five differenttheaters of war." "I've made over 490 drops,23 over hostile territory." "I am what you colonialsmight call... a bad-assed motherfucker, who also happens to bean expert... in the delicate artof Japanese flower arranging." "Oh.Over the target, Captain." "Right.It's now or never.Eh" " Aaah!" "Come on, Jerry,get off here." "Jump out!" "[ Jerry ]I can't do this!" "[ Nick ] Go get her, Jerry!" "This is a really bad idea!" "[ Jerry Screaming ]" "Wait!" "I'm gonna be sick.I mean it." "Oh!" "Oh, I felt that one." "[ Lloyd ]Good Lord,you're a crybaby!" "[ Gabriella's Voice ] Five, six, seven, eight." "Kick back, head up, down." "One more time." "Kick back, head up, down." "Head up, down.And kick, pliÃ©." "[ Jerry Shouting ] I'm not a person who likes heights!" "Oh, I don't feel so good.I don't feel so good." "Oh, I hate this!" "[ Screaming ]" " What is that?" " [ Jerry ] I don't like this!" "[ Lloyd ]We're over target.Prepare for release." "Release!" "Aaah!" "Ha-ha!" "Oh, we did it!" "[ Laughing ] I'm so excited!" "If truth be told, I'm morethan a little excited myself." "Oh--Unhook me, please." "I don't believe this." " Help, please." " This time I'm gonna let you drown." "Well, you're gonna have todrag me over to the deep end, 'cause it's only aboutthree-and-a-half feet over here." " What are you doing here?" " I was in the neighborhood, so I figured,well, I'd just drop in." "Good-bye." "Uh, Gabriella, wait!" "Please." "Mm-hmm?" "I thought I was beingreasonably clever... considering I just dropped1,500 feet out of an airplane." "Why'd you bother?" "Because I love you." "Who loves me--gay Jerry as a friend, or is this straight, lying, deceitful Jerry?" "Hmm?" "You've never met this Jerry." "This is the extremely sorry, unbelievably heartbrokenbecause you left me, will do anything to get youto forgive me... because I want to spend the restof my life with you Jerry." "Well, you listen to me,Jerry." "Just because you droppedout of the sky... and made thisgrand romantic gesture... doesn't mean thatI'm gonna automaticallyrun into your arms." "Do you understand that?" "Hmm?" "Yes.Good." "Okay." "I'm probably going to,but you shouldn'tautomatically expect it." "Because if we're gonna havethe kind of relationship... where one day you're gonnabe making all thesehurtful fantasies" "Don't you ever, ever... lie to me again." "I swear." "I'll neverunderstand it." "Neither will I." "[ Nick, Echoing ] Inga!" "Inga." "Inga." "Inga." "[ Knocking ]" "My God.Oh, my God!" "I'm Nick Ragoni." "I'm a friendof your daughter Inga." "I've traveled 12,000 milesto surprise her." "You poor thing." "You look frozen.Let me help you up." "[ Groaning ]Let me and my sonhelp you up." "Johan, come over here." "Ja." "Oh" "Come on." "This man is obviouslya fan of smÃ¶rgÃ¥sbord." "Ingmar, what's going on?" "Oh, Mother, he's anamerican friend of Inga's." "Oh, I hope you didn't go too much trouble to get here." " Inga's not home." " What?" "She's gone to Italyon a modeling assignment." " Won't be back for three months." " Oh, God, no." " I can't believe it." " You poor boy." "You look so cold.You'll join us for dinner." "Bridgit, get this mansome soup from the stove." "This is Bridgit.She wants to be a bikini model,just like her big sister." "Nice to meet you." "And Bridgit's coach will bejoining us for dinner too." "[ Woman Gasps ]" "Oh" "Oh, Nicholas." "Hello." "We meet again."