"ANNOUNCER:" "On the last episode of Soap," "Billy decided to leave the Sunnies, only Reverend Sung decided he couldn't and is keeping him against his will." "Burt decided to find out if he really saw a spaceship, which might've been a bad decision because he saw another one and then vanished into thin air." "And Jessica told Chester and Donahue she made a decision only she didn't tell them which one she decided on." "Confused?" "You won't be if you decide to watch this episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates." "And these are Campbell's." "And this is..." "Soap." "You son of a..." "Oh!" "ANNOUNCER:" "We begin this episode where we left off, with Jessica about to announce her decision." "I want you to know that I really never meant to hurt either of you." "But it seems that in order to be with the man I love," "I have to hurt the other man I love." "So I just don't know what else to do." "Does this mean you've made a decision?" "Yes, I have." "I have chosen one of you." "Well?" "Well, I'm afraid one of you is going to be hurt." "Well, we know that Jess." "Oh, it's so hard." "It's not easy for us." "Just say the name, Jess." "Okay." "I will." "It's..." "It's..." "Ohhh..." "I can't." "Me, Jess, me." "Jessica, I assure you whoever loses will take it well." "Absolutely." "If I lose, and I don't expect to," "I will remain perfectly calm." "I will not eat my heart out." "Why not?" "You eat everything else." "Shh, shh, Chester, Chester." "Jess, don't worry, if I lose, and I don't expect to," "I'll take it like a man." "A very little man." "Gentlemen, stop that, please." "We will be gentlemen, Jess." "I'll tell you what I'll do." "I'll write it down." "Because I just..." "I cannot say it." "I just..." "I cannot." "I cannot say it." "All right, I will put "yes" on one sheet of paper and "no" on the other." "And then I will put one in each envelope, and I will hand them out." "All right." "Okay." "I'm ready." "I will now hand out the envelopes." "Isn't this fun?" "It's just like the Academy Awards." "And the winner is..." "I'm so happy!" "Ohhh!" "Ohhh!" "Oh, God!" "Ohhh!" "Take it like a man, you fat bull!" "Just one minute, please, let me see." "Did I...?" "Did I do it wrong?" "Ohhh!" "I'm so sorry." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Give it to me." "Mmm-mwah!" "Is that a "no"?" "Yes." "Did you mean a "no" there?" "Yes." "That's what I thought." "Then I..." "I better leave." "I respect your decision." "I hate it, but I respect it." "I'll see myself to the door." "Chester, he died." "No, he didn't die, Jessica, he fainted." "Donahue!" "Donahue, you fool." "Get up on your little feet." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "My legs just won't..." "Oh, goodness' sakes." "Oh, I..." "I feel nauseous too." "Here we go." "Jess..." "Just get up on your feet." "Here." "Come right over here." "There, sit down." "And now if I could just spend the night, in the morning, I'll be all right." "Well, of course, poor baby." "Forget it, I'll carry him to his car." "No!" "I'm too weak to drive!" "No, no!" "Jess, no!" "You don't have to drive." "You can stay here until you feel better." "Thank you, Jessica." "Sorry, fat boy." "Stay... calm." "Stay calm." "Just think." "Stay calm here." "I'll just analyze the situation." "One of three things is going on here." "Either I'm dreaming I'm on a spaceship, or..." "I'm on a spaceship... or..." "I'm crazy." "Ha!" "I'm dreaming." "I'm in a dream!" "This is what happens when you eat pizza in bed, huh." "Wheep, wheep, wheep!" "Whoop, whoop, whoop!" "Ah." "It's time to wake up, though." "Wake up, Burt." "BURT:" "Burt." "Burt." "Hey, Burt." "Wake up, Burt." "Burt!" "Come on, rise and shine, Burt!" "Crazy's looking good here." "Oh, sir..." "Um..." "Hey, pal..." "I mean, excuse me," "Uh, señor, pardonnez moi, por favor." "Uh, where am I?" "Just relax, we will not hurt you." "You're on our spaceship." "Oh, gracias, muchos gracias." "I'm not crazy!" "I'm not crazy!" "I'm on a spaceship!" "You speak English?" "Of course, we have studied you Earth people for a long time." "We speak all your languages fluently." "We read and write most of them." "We also disco." "You guys are..." "I love this!" "I can't wait to get back to Earth." "Wait till Mary hears this." "She thinks I'm crazy." "Listen, listen, if you guys are finished here," "I'd like to get going, but, psh, hey, let's keep in touch." "I'm afraid we cannot let you go just yet." "Well why, what do you need?" "Another five, 10, 15 minutes, you got it." "Ask me, anything you wanna know I'll tell you." "If I could be home for dinner, it would be nice." "I'm afraid you'll not be going home for dinner." "I won't?" "No." "Hey, look, listen, pal." "Now wait a minute." "I gotta go." "My wife's gonna be worried sick here." "No, she will not." "You see, we are sending down a replica of you." "What?" "What are you...?" "What are you talking about?" "While you were unconscious, we tapped into your chromosome key." "We can now produce an exact copy of you." "You made another Burt Campbell?" "That is right." "He's your double." "Your wife will never know he is not you." "My double." "Ha-ha, I love it!" "This is terrific!" "Let me see my double." "Here he is." "She'll know." "Oh, no, you see, he has not been transformed yet." "He will enter your duplicate body, and we will beam him down." "He will look exactly like you." "Your wife will never know." "What do you mean?" "You mean Mary's gonna think that he's really me?" "Yes." "Why is...?" "Why is he jumping up and down like that?" "It is nothing." "No, come on." "What's the matter with him?" "He is just a little excited." "Yeah, but about what?" "Going down to Earth." "Living in your house." "Oh, he's..." "No, wait." "You're not gonna let him..." "I mean he's not gonna..." "Sleep with your wife?" "Why do you think he's jumping up and down?" "He has not had sex in 2000 years." "Happy anniversary, Jodie." "Ohhh..." "You're the best thing I ever had in my life." "And you in mine." "Three months together." "Mm." "How come you have four candles?" "Well, I wanna throw away the box." "You know, I think relationships are better when there's no sex to screw things up." "Hi, Jodie." "Remember me?" "Mrs. David." "Hi." "Oh!" "Hello there." "This is Alice, Alice this is Mrs. David, Carol's mother." "Oh." "So... you're not a homo anymore?" "Jodie was my first homo." "Uh, no, Mrs. David." "I'm still a homo." "But you're with a girl." "Well, we're both homos." "What's so funny?" "A girl homo." "There's no such thing as a girl homo." "Yes, there is." "A girl homo?" "What do they call 'em, homettes?" "Oh, Jodie." "I got a little surprise for you." "What is it?" "I'll bring it in." ""Homettes." "Homettes."" "Ta-dah!" "Is that...?" "Your daughter." "Carol wanted you to see her." "That's why I made the trip." "That's my daughter." "She don't do much." "JODIE:" "Would you look at her?" "Now, Jodie, I don't like to impose or anything, but I'm a little afraid of staying in a hotel with all the raping and murdering that goes on in this city." "The cab driver told me that over half the men in New York are either junkies, muggers or lawyers." "Mrs. David, you're welcome to stay here with us." "Alice?" "Sure." "Oh, I sure do appreciate it." "Do you wanna hold her?" "Oh, I don't know how." "Oh, it's simple." "You just pick her up the way you pick up a frozen turkey at the market." "Go ahead." "Watch her head." "Okay." "See?" "Oh, she likes you." "That's right." "Now you cradle her in your arms." "There you are." "I'm afraid I'm gonna drop her." "Oh, I was dropped when I was a baby." "That's why I can't do math." "Ha ha!" "Well, how do you like her?" "She's terrific." "This is so strange, though." "Oh, she's your daughter." "It's my daughter." "Do you believe it?" "It's my daughter?" "This is my daughter." "What's her name?" "Her name's Wendy." "Wendy." "It's very nice to meet you, Wendy." "Well, if I'm gonna stay here," "I better go get my things out of the cab." "You left the cab waiting all this time?" "Yes." "Your fare'll be more than your trip from Texas." "MRS. DAVID:" "Oh, my goodness." "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, Wendy." "Hmm?" "Hey, hello." "You look just like me, you know that?" "Well, you should." "You're my kid." "Hmm?" "You got big brown eyes and... cute little nose... chin." "You have fingers." "And fingernails." "Ohhh..." "Hey, you sure are pretty." "Hmm?" "Even partially bald, you're gorgeous." "Yeah." "Oh, boy, Wendy." "It was so much easier when I didn't know anything about you." "'Cause now that I've seen you... and now that I've held you..." "I never wanna let you go." "No." "Don't cry." "That's it." "Morning." "Look at my face, Corinne, tell me what you see." "You want the truth?" "I've got bags under my eyes, Corinne, big, big bags." "I look like a basset hound, and it's all your fault." "No, Eunice, I think it's heredity." "Heredity and, uh... age." "No, Corinne." "It is because I did not sleep one wink last night, not one wink because that child of yours kept crying." "Isn't there something you can do?" "Eunice, he's just an infant." "Well, discipline him, for God sakes." "I mean the baby cries all night, and then you and Tim have a fight and you cry all night, and then Donahue walks up and down the halls and he cries all night." "And then I sit up and get bags." "Donahue, you are not making an effort to leave the house." "Looking out the window is not making an effort." "But, listen, I'm trying, but every time I get to the front door, I throw up." "If you wouldn't eat, you wouldn't throw up." "If you wouldn't eat, you wouldn't get fat." "You turn my stomach." "A plow couldn't turn your stomach." "Squirrel." "Pinhead." "Bacteria." "Fatty." "Weasel." "Lard bucket!" "Look, everybody, look who just came." "Benson's back." "Benson!" "Okay, okay, okay, that's enough touching and grabbing." "Okay." "Look at that." "Benson comes home and everybody stops fighting." "Benson walks through the door and everybody's happy." "Except Benson." "Hi." "Hi." "What's...?" "What's he...?" "Oh, no, Detective Donahue's not really living here." "See, he's just staying here until he stops passing out and throwing up." "You chose Chester." "Hmm." "Don't I get to vote?" "Oh, welcome back, Bellson." "I'm not back." "I'm just here because we got a problem." "What's the problem?" "Billy." "I just came from that church." "Billy's in a lot of trouble." "I think they're keeping him against his will." "Against his...?" "What?" "I'll phone the police." "No, I did that already." "You see this can take a lot of time what with constitutional freedoms and everything." "What we have to do is go in there after him." "Right." "I'll go and check with Ike." "Benson, why are they keeping him there?" "Well, I think he's being brainwashed." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, no." "They say he isn't there, but I know he is." "Chester, our Billy." "I'll get him out, Jess." "If I have to break in there myself I'll get him out." "That's what we're gonna have to do." "Excuse me." "Daddy, you gotta think of something." "Excuse me, please." "Major." "But I have an idea." "We've gotta get him out of there." "I can get him out." "Maybe we should call Channel 7 news." "Attention, damn it!" "Now I know sometimes you don't like to listen to me, and sometimes I can understand why, but you must all listen to me now." "Major..." "Shut up." "Now, look here." "This is the Silver Star." "It was presented to me by General Patton." "This is a Bronze Star, I earned two of them." "And... this is the Purple Heart." "Harry Truman pinned that on me himself." "Now, I know you think I'm a foolish old man." "And sometimes I am, but that's my grandson in there." "I got all of these because I was a good soldier, I still am." "I can get him out." "I can do it." "So you all had better listen to this old fool, because... that's our little boy." "All right, Daddy, we're listening." "Go ahead, sir, tell us your plan." "What plan?" "MAJOR:" "Well, gentlemen, there's the plan." "Any questions?" "I don't believe this." "I don't believe that I've allowed myself to do this." "Donahue, will you stop complaining." "Benson, I'm not Donahue." "You're not?" "No, Benson." "It's amazing, you all look alike." "Very funny, Benson." "And I want to thank you personally for convincing us to listen to the Major." "Yeah, he said he had a plan." "I didn't know he was gonna form a basketball team." "We're a man short." "You're a man short." "You're a man fat." "Come on, guys." "Now, colonel," "I want you to climb up the north wall, and, Corporal Donahue, you stay down with the grappling hook." "Major, could we change places?" "Heights make me queasy." "Hey, so far eight different things have made you queasy." "Why don't you just stay here and eat?" "Why don't you stay here and grow?" "Come on." "Oh, Benson?" "Oh, I am so sorry." "I didn't know you were entertaining." "Jessica." "Jessica, it's me." "Chester, you are not a Negro." "I know that, dear." "We're rescuing Billy." "And then we're all going downtown to pick up some white women." "All right now, let's recap." "Good idea." "This one is much too big for me." "Oh, my boys are all going off to battle, and I feel so proud." "She's proud." "I'm going off to war with the Ritz Brothers, and she's proud." "Chester, I am frightened." "I mean, I know that that's our little boy in there and I'm frightened for him." "But I'm frightened for you too." "Don't worry, Jess." "I'll get him back." "I'll bring our son home." "I promise." "All right." "It's almost the zero hour." "Let's synchronize watches." "1:32." "1:47." "6 on the nose." "Close enough." "Move out." "Burt!" "Burt!" "Ohhh..." "I've been so worried." "Where have you been?" "Mary?" "Oh, never mind." "I thank God you're home." "Oh, Burt." "Burt, I love you." "You must be starving." "I'll get you something to eat." "We'll eat later." "Whoo-hoo-hoo hoo-hooo!" "ANNOUNCER:" "Has Jessica made the right decision?" "Will Donahue ever feel well enough to leave the house?" "Now that Jodie doesn't want to let his baby daughter go, is he in for a tug of war?" "Will Mary realize that Burt isn't really Burt?" "What's going to happen to the real Burt?" "And after being with the new Burt, will Mary care?" "Will the Major's plan work?" "If it doesn't, can they do The Gong Show?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap." "ANNOUNCER:" "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."