"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown," "Sean Lock," "Jon Richardson," "Johnny Vegas," "Romesh Ranganathan," "Josie Long," "Susie Dent and Rachel Riley." "Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!" "CHEERING" "Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums." "Did you know, for example, most European languages belong to three broad groups - Germanic, Slavic and Romance." "I don't know much about Germanic or Slavic, but I do know how to speak the Romance languages." "GENERIC EUROPEAN ACCENT:" "Would you like to see my winkie?" "LAUGHTER" "In the first-ever dictionary," "Samuel Johnson famously defined oats as "a grain, which in England" ""is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people."" "Nowadays, of course, that definition doesn't work for oats, although it does work for ketamine." "And apodysophilia is a feverish desire to undress and get naked in public." "It sometimes affects old and confused people... like Madonna." "LAUGHTER" "All right, let's get started." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "OK, let's meet tonight's players." "First up, it's Sean Lock." "CHEERING" "An accomplished stand-up, a seasoned writer and a veteran performer." "There's not much you can teach Sean about being funny." "Spelling words and adding up, though, that is quite another matter." "LAUGHTER" "Joining Sean tonight, it's Romesh Ranganathan." "CHEERING" "I'm not saying Romesh is pessimistic but, for one night only," "Sean Lock is going to be known as the fun one." "LAUGHTER" "Romesh is a vegan and has three children." "His kids are delighted that he's on the show tonight because it means they can finally go to McDonald's." "You don't look like a vegan." " What do you mean?" "You just don't look like one." " What do you think they look like?" "I don't know, have a poncho on maybe." "Why would a vegan want a poncho more than anyone else?" "I don't know, it's just one of those casual, lazy stereotypes that I've built up over the many years I've been doing this job." "To me, what you're saying is, like, a vegan would be like a weedy, small, meek..." "Sort of like Jon." "LAUGHTER" "I do imagine vegans are the ones at opera, you know, that are crawling around the stage." "And they're just sort of, "Oh, please."" "♪ Enjoy meat, please. ♪" "Anyway..." "LAUGHTER" "He's got a very intense stare, hasn't he?" "For a vegan." "OK, up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson." "CHEERING" "Jon is a laugh a minute, which isn't great for this show as he only gets 30 seconds." "LAUGHTER" "And Jon's team-mate, Johnny Vegas." "CHEERING" "Johnny recently went to his doctor for blood tests but, unfortunately, his doctor won't tell him the results, as what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." "Eh, Johnny, do you watch Countdown?" "Are you a fan?" " Eh, yeah, yeah." "I watch it when I go and visit my parents..." "Once a year." " ..whilst I price up the house." "LAUGHTER" "Find out what it'll be worth once they're gone." "I'd turn the heating down, cos I'd think, "That's my inheritance you're..."" ""You're just flittering away there."" "Now, you've got a ten-year-old, right?" "So, do you help them with their homework?" "I do, I'm better with grammar than I am with maths." "I don't do the maths with him." "I fear that I am numerically dyslexic." "Fractions and stuff." "I can add up things in shops." "I can spot a good deal on Stella, but beyond that..." "Do you think you're going to be better at the letters or the numbers?" "I'm not great with the words." "If I get a four-letter word, I'll be chuffed." "Genuinely." "But the numbers, I'm not so bad, I don't know what it is." "So, you're saying you're numerically dyslexic but you might be worse at the letters?" "Yeah, no, it doesn't make sense." "I'm just saying I'm quietly confident on the numbers round." "And the last time I was quietly confident" "I ended up stuck in a drain." "LAUGHTER" "So, I don't want to vocalise it." "I'm just..." "I thought I could retrieve those keys." "So, Jon, it's you and Johnny versus Sean and Romesh." "It's north versus south, basically." " Oh, I suppose it is, yeah." "I wouldn't see it like that," "I think I just see people trying to have fun together." "Certainly wouldn't expect an unbiased Mancunian audience to see it that way, Jimmy." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Now, Jon, it says here you keep £10 and 10 euros on you at all times in case of emergencies." "Why?" "Well, I used to keep a condom in my wallet and then, one day," "I bought a new wallet and I transferred the condom across and I realised it was the same condom" "I'd transferred from the pervious wallet." "And I realised that if I could erode leather quicker than I could have sex... it was more likely I would wake up in Europe and not know how I got there and need ten euros than that I would instantly need to shag someone." "I would hope, if they'd agreed, that they'd be willing to wait the two-minute trip to the shop or the toilet." "Whereas, if you're in Europe, and you haven't got ten euros..." "Oh, here he comes." "Meet me after the show." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Eh, Romesh, now, you used to be a maths teacher, so does that mean you're going to kill tonight in the numbers round, right?" "Well, the problem is I wasn't a very good maths teacher." "When I first told my dad that I was going to become a teacher he was furious, because he thought it was such a damning indictment of education that I was allowed to be a maths teacher." "You're going to have to learn the blood times tables if you want to teach maths, you bastard." "Yeah, so I'm worried." "Well, speaking about being a teacher then, did you pick up any language, any words from the kids?" "Well, I picked up phrases and stuff..." "Go on. - .." "like "incompetent", "employee tribunal."" "We had this thing where some of the kids, even if they were really intelligent, they would try to put on slang." "It's almost like an anti-intelligent attitude." "So, like, you'd have a kid that's, like, targeting A at A-Level maths and you'd say to him," ""Oh, well done." He'd be like," "LONDON ACCENT:" ""Yeah, just cos I smashed up the calculus, innit, bruv?"" "And then you have a meeting with their parents and then he'll say..." "POSH ACCENT:" ""Sir, mother's very grateful that you organised this meeting with us."" "OK, Sean, how do you pamper yourself?" "How do you sort of treat yourself at the end of the day?" "I'll have a facial, a mud facial." "But I use manly mud, I get the mud from the tyres of a JCB." "Or have a bath with loads of candles around it." "You don't tend to do that as a man, do you?" "I mean, really, for me, pampering myself is finally getting round to cutting my toenails... ..after they look like..." "I don't know, Bronze Age swords." "I've really got a very, very poor state of personal hygiene." "I mean, I've had my problems with my haemorrhoids, that's well documented." "I think they've been raised in Parliament, my haemorrhoids." "I'm currently dealing with some very, what's the word?" "Well, I would call them strategically inconvenient rashes." "If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?" "HE SCOFFS" "Why would you want to polish this gemstone, girlfriend?" "I mean, what else is there to do?" "Some grouting, maybe." "LAUGHTER" "No, I'll tell you what would be good, is if people, when they discussed me, they said, "Oh, he's a nice bloke, isn't he?"" "I don't imagine often people go, "You know Sean?" ""You know the sweet, cuddly one?"" "No, we..." "No, we do say that." "LAUGHTER" "Is that the one who looks like he's slightly overheating all the time?" "Is that a dig?" "What?" "No." "At you?" " No, I'm perfectly cool." "Didn't mention you." " You were thinking it, though." "It does look like Johnny's definitely overheating." "Obesity comes with certain, you know what I mean, pros and cons." " Perks." "Yeah." " Pros and cons?" "Well, if we fell down the stairs together, you know what I mean," "I wouldn't get hurt." "LAUGHTER" "You've basically..." " I'm wrapped in life's duvet." "LAUGHTER" "Does your scales measure togs?" "LAUGHTER" "Johnny, do you have a mascot this evening?" "Have you got anything you brought in for good luck?" " I do, yeah." "My mascot, I'm very proud to say, is the Super League Trophy... that St Helen's won this year." "That is very impressive, Johnny." "St Helens, obviously, your home town." " Yeah." "Can I ask what Super League is?" "It's rugby league." "Bit like..." "How can I put it?" "Like badminton." " Oh!" "Terrific." " But a bit more confrontational." "It's great, though, innit?" " That's a wonderful thing, yeah." "Jon, what have you brought?" "I have brought..." "This isn't about trying to divide the audience or make it about anything." "I've just brought my flat cap that I wear... when I'm out... tending me flock." "LAUGHTER" "This is what I might wear on t'head." "And if I'm gigging down South I'll just wear it backwards like that." "You may recognise me - I used to be in 'N Sync." "I tore up a lot of shit in those days." "OK." "Romesh, have you got a mascot?" "Yeah, I brought..." "I brought this little toy lion." "Belongs to my second child." "Now, I want to sort of show support for him, because when we had our first child it's really nice and decent and chilled out, and I thought we were really good parents." "And then the second one arrives, and he's just...feral." "LAUGHTER" "He is an unacceptable human being." "And whenever we go out he'll run away, and I don't mean, like, run away, "Isn't it funny?"" "Like, run away like he's fleeing ISIS." "It's properly like... like gunning for the hills, man." "And so I've brought this because he always freaks out when he's not with it." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Sean, have you got a mascot?" " Yes - well, I haven't got a mascot, Jimmy," "I've got something I've been working on that I'm very excited about." "I always use this show as an opportunity to show the range of products which I'm offering these days." "Unfortunately not online." "I don't work like that." "If you want to buy anything you've got to go to the right newsagents and wait for the postcards to appear in the window." "LAUGHTER" "I thought I'd come up with a new type of pasta." "And I think a really great way - pasta is associated with Italy, football - football boots." "So I've come up with the idea of pasta football boots." "And, erm...there we go." "LAUGHTER" "Can you imagine, kids, you can, you know..." "They'd love that." "Fill that up with sauce." "I mean, one of those would probably do you, wouldn't it?" "And to go with it, I thought, because they're so big, a FIFA-approved meatball." "LAUGHTER" "SEAN LAUGHS" "I've got these lovely ciabatta goalkeeping gloves." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Is that actually meat, that?" " Yeah." "All that meat, imagine that, in your colon." "OK." "Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Josie Long." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "One of Josie's favourite hobbies is outdoor swimming." "I also love outdoor swimming." "It's one of my favourite ways to get hepatitis." "I actually got Lyme disease." "From outdoor swimming?" " Yeah." "I noticed I had this kind of weird, bull's-eye-shaped bite on my leg, and I just kept thinking, "I don't want to waste the nurse's time."" "So I just leave it and be like, "It'll go away."" "And it lasted for about a month and then about a year later" "I was trying to sleep and my leg kept kicking, like a restless leg." "And I thought," ""This is...not ideal."" "And so I went to the most reassuring thing you can do late at night when you're on your own, which is I googled my symptoms." "I found an article that was like," ""Don't worry if you've got a restless leg." ""The only thing you should worry about is if you've got Lyme disease." ""But you won't have that unless you had the trademark bull's-eye bite" ""on your leg for a month."" "And I was like, "Oh, fuck!"" "I don't know much about Lyme disease so I'm just going to quickly pick this up." "That was the late Josie Long there." "LAUGHTER" "What's the bite?" "What bit you?" " A tick." "It's from tick bites." "I had to remove a tick from a student." "We went to Exeter and we walked along the moors and he got a tick in his bellybutton." "So I had to, like..." "It'll never stand up in court, that." "LAUGHTER" "Josie, you like Countdown." " I love it." " You're very good at the game." "Do you think if you and Susie were a team this evening you would beat these guys?" " Yeah, 100% - we got a big dictionary." "We'd smash any of these pricks, is what I'm trying to say." "It's a phrase I've never heard delivered in such a lilting, lovely voice." "OK, and with Josie is Susie Dent." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Susie says words aren't boring and dull, they're interesting and exciting." "Isn't that right, Snoozy?" "Sorry" " Susie." "LAUGHTER" "Yep." " Johnny's obviously from Lancashire." "Are there are words and phrases we should be aware of?" "I discovered this weekend that if - this is back 200 years ago - that if you have a jug of beer and you pour out three glasses you have a neckum, a sinkum, and a swankum." "Have you ever used that?" " No." "LAUGHTER" "I'm not big on sharing." "LAUGHTER" "I do "i'th." I'th." "As in "in the."" "How you spelling it?" "I-apostrophe-T-H." " We can't have apostrophes." "It's hardly going to be a nine-letter word with me!" "Is it in the big word book?" "The book of shame we call that in our house." "My dad used to come back from the pub and hold it over me and go," ""Look at everything you don't know!"" "LAUGHTER" "Susie, who's smarter, you or Rachel?" "Oh, that's really unfair." "Rachel is definitely more street-clever than me..." ""Street clever"?" "AUDIENCE:" "Ooh!" "I mean there are words that come up that I just will take completely literally." "Like "growler" came up and I said..." "LAUGHTER" "I said, "Yes, a person or thing that growls."" "And then I looked over and Rachel was literally doubled up." "What, she was showing you?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "My favourite one was the Ricky Martin song." "There's a word - "shebangs" - but Susie thought it was some kind of hut in Central America." "A shebang, yeah." "LAUGHTER" "She went, "Apparently Ricky Martin sings about these huts."" "LAUGHTER" "OK." "In charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Now, what captivated you about the world of maths?" "Um...well, it brought me loads of friends and just that "cool" factor." "I think you may be delusional." "I just liked it." "I was good at it." "It's very telling that my wife loves maths, because she said," ""There's only one right answer." You know what I mean?" "Well, there's lots of ways to get to the same answer." "Yeah, yeah, but the answer is one." "I like to interpret things in a different sort of," ""I may have burnt the shed down..." ""but I may have created a bigger garden."" "OK, tonight the prize teams will be competing for is this - your very own Countdown piano." "Hit it, Fabio." "HE PLAYS BADLY" "LAUGHTER" "He never had a lesson." "OK, let's Countdown, everyone." "Time for the first game." "Sean and Romesh, you get the first pick of the letters." "OK, off you go, Romesh." "Enjoy yourself." "OK." "Can I have a vowel, please?" " Thank you, Romesh." "Start with A." "Thank you." "Could I have another vowel, please?" "E" "Could I have another vowel, please?" "A" "Could I have another vowel, please?" "You've really got the hang of this(!" ") O." "Excellent." "Can I have a consonant?" "P" "Let's just consonant this bad boy up." "J" "R" "S" "And D." " And, for the first time today, here is the Countdown clock." "LAUGHTER" "Oh, it just gets harder and harder." "LAUGHTER" "Looking at July..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I want that answer." "Look at December!" "Romesh, what have you got?" "I've first of all got a complaint." "Can we not turn the volume down on that, seriously?" "I can't work like this." "And I've got a five." " You've got a five and a complaint." "Sean?" " Six." "OK, Jon, what have you got?" "A possible six." "Johnny, what have you got?" "A definite three..." "Definite three, that's in the bank." " ..if apostrophes are allowed." "And two made-up animals." "LAUGHTER" "So what are you going to go for?" " All right, imagine a leopard, but a different version of a leopard, and it's a JEOPARD." "A JEOPARD?" " Or a JORSE, which is like a horse." "If that was the game!" "I've got PJS." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "So you got pyjamas, basically." " Yeah." "So you got a seven-letter word." " What?" "!" "That counts." "PJS counts as pyjamas." " Are you shitting me?" "You're not going to give pyjamas for that." "That counts as pyjamas, that's a seven-letter word." "What are you talking about, man?" "!" " Give him a pork chop... and he will chill out." "Susie, is PJS in the dictionary?" "Well, PJS are in, but their abbreviation, on normal Countdown," "I'd probably say no." "But it's a three and, you know." " You know what?" "You are arguing over whether you are going to allow a man who can barely dress himself..." "LAUGHTER" "..an apostrophe." "Like I offer any threat." "Can I just clarify that's not going as a seven?" "I just want that cleared up." "I don't think Ofcom are coming in, I think we're going to be OK." "# Where is love?" "# Does it come from stars above?" "# Is it underneath" "# The willow tree" "♪ That I've been dreaming of?" "... ♪" "Romesh, I think you should let him have it." " Yeah, seven's fine." "That's fine." "Pyjamas, wicked." " We'll give him a three." "Whoo!" "I'm on fire!" "OK, what have you got, Romesh?" "I think I've got a five, but I also might have a ten." "I know that sounds unlikely." "My five letter is JAPES." "And I've also go PJO, which is an abbreviation for PEJORATIVE." "LAUGHTER" "I'm assuming you're going to let that go - you let that bullshit go." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Yeah, no..." "I would have let it go but it's a ten-letter word." "We can only go to nine, I'm afraid." " This is an absolutely joke, mate." "It's clothing for children so they don't get cold at night." "And you're calling it bullshit." "No, no, no..." " You want those children to freeze, do you?" "My issue is not with the concept of pyjamas." "I can't wait for the council to take your kids off you." "LAUGHTER" ""They're not allowed clothes at night" ""because it could be misconstrued as a seven-letter word!"" "Sean, your six." " DRAPES." "DRAPES." " That makes me look a right prick, don't it?" "Jon, what did you get?" " I got SPARED." "I just thought if sometimes we say a word then we might get out of here before 2018." "Susie, Josie, what could they have had?" "We got a seven, so..." "It's not a big deal." "PARADES." "You could have had PARADES." "So you pretty much smashed it, is what you're saying?" "Yeah." " If you'd been playing against them you would be in the lead." "Yeah, at this stage probably the pair of us would be doing that." "Except you're too polite, which I appreciate." "OK, at the end of that, both teams have 6 points." "APPLAUSE" "On to our first numbers round." "Jon and Johnny, your turn to pick the numbers." "We'll have one big one and five small ones, please." " Thank you, Jon." "One big one, five little ones for the first numbers today." "And they are 3, 2, 10, 4, another 3, and the big one - 75." "And the target - 266." "And your time starts now." "I just did a spot of invigilating there, just to check Romesh wasn't cheating." "See how you fucking like it." "Did you get it, Romesh?" "Oh, shit, I..." "I don't know what I was doing." "I've got 647." "Well, if anyone ever asks what's the matter with the school system - you." "I got the wrong target number in my head." "I didn't realise until I just looked up at the end there." "The clock is so loud." " It's the angle of the board." "I think it's unfair, it's an advantage to the north, they can see it clearly." "You spotted the screen directly in front of you, yeah?" "Oh, yes." "Luckily...doesn't matter, cos I got it." "You got it, Sean?" "OK." "Jon, did you get it?" " Yes." " OK, Johnny, you got it, presumably?" "Yeah, of course I did." "How did you do it, John?" "Just thinking and stuff." "LAUGHTER" "Sean, how did you do it?" "3 x 75... - 3 x 75." "225." " Yeah. - 4 x 10 is 40." "Add them. - 265." "2 - 3 is 1, add it on. - 3 - 2." "Yeah." " Yeah, that's the one." "Well done." "APPLAUSE" "Ten points to Sean." "Jon?" " I did 75 + 10." "75 + 10 = 85." "Times by 3." "Is 255." "And then 2 x 4 is 8, add the other 3." "2 x 4, 8 + 3 for 11." "Yeah." "Ten for Jon as well." "APPLAUSE" "The scores at the moment - Sean and Romesh have 16 points," "Jon and Johnny have 16 points, it's neck and neck." "Here is your first teaser." "The words are OH MY KNOB, the clue is - often held by a priest." "That's OH MY KNOB - often held by a priest." "See you after the break." "APPLAUSE" "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser, the words were OH MY KNOB." "The clue was - often held by a priest." "It was, of course, HYMN BOOK." "LAUGHTER" "So both teams are on 16." "They've been playing in teams so far." "This game is just for Sean and Johnny." "The pressure is on, Johnny." "Right." "Johnny, in a hand of friendship," "I've written down a couple of words that you might be able to use." "I didn't have time to do too many." "I wrote them nicely, as well." "What the words?" " Moped and basin." "LAUGHTER" "You know, if they come up, that's great." "That'll be a real help." "Very sporting." " I thought so, too." " How lovely to see." "Are either of those fictional animals?" "Maybe if you try and turn them into that." "Why don't you try abbreviating them?" " Do you know what, Sean..." "Maybe you could just let it go, Romesh." "Johnny, your turn to pick the letters." "Can I have a vowel, please?" "E" "The trick to this is, everybody picks them so quickly, they run out of time." "I'm going to spend a good five minutes in between letters." "LAUGHTER" "Now I want a consonant, please." "S" "Consonant, please." "R" "Fuck!" " LAUGHTER" "I was doing really good up to that point." "You can get JAWS, again." "A vowel, please." "A. Oh!" "I've got one!" "A vowel, please." "I" "Consonant." "P" "Erm... a..." "Oh, come on!" "LAUGHTER" "A vowel, please." "E" "We've had enough vowels." "Two consonants, please." "T and..." "Y" "And your time starts..." "Is STRAPETY a word?" "LAUGHTER" "Your time starts now." "LAUGHTER" "Sean, what have you got?" "One, two, three, four, five, six." "Six." "Johnny?" "Four." " What's your four?" "LAUGHTER" "It's ARSE!" "LAUGHTER" "Sean, what's your six?" "PRAISE" "JON:" "Well done!" "Are you having fun, Johnny?" "Well, erm, it's..." "I'll tell you what I'm doing," "I'm signing up for a night class after this." "I get easily led by the opening vowel." "I never sat in at night and decided to not masturbate." "LAUGHTER" "Johnny, you only hold a pen in one hand." "You've always got the other hand free." "It's no excuse!" "If I can do it, you can do it." "I will not deface the cover of knave." "OK, so six points to Sean's team!" "APPLAUSE" "Josie, Susie, could they have done better?" " Yeah, easily, like we did." "I didn't even look at the dictionary, I got seven." "It's not even a big deal, which is TRAIPSE, like traipsing around." "Then on top of that we got PIRATES and for eight we got ASPERITY." "AUDIENCE:" "Whoo!" "Could you just define ASPERITY?" "Josie, without looking." "It just means being very harsh, like you just did to me." "Oh, curses!" "LAUGHTER" "OK, so the end of that, Jon and Johnny have 16," "Sean and Romesh, you're in the lead with 22!" "APPLAUSE" "Right, now it's time for Jon and Romesh to go head-to-head." "Romesh, you get to pick the numbers." "It's all on this." "This is you and Jon, maths, couldn't be more pressure on you." "You'll be pleased to know, Romesh, as well in order to help you," "I have fiddled around under the desk so that the music has now stopped." "I've picked something far more appropriate." "What have you...?" "Something that will appeal to all people from all places." "Romesh, pick the numbers." "Could I get two bigs, please?" "And then just littles." "And four littles." "Yeah, I'm intrigued." "Right, the numbers are 7, 2, 4, 9, and the big ones, 75 and 25." "You're kidding me right now?" " The target... 308" "And your time starts..." " How does the machine know?" "And your time starts now!" "MUSIC:" "New World Symphony by Antonin Dvorak" "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Eee, that's champion." "Jon, what did you get?" "308, James." "Romesh?" "319" " LAUGHTER" "What is the point of you?" "!" "If you had an accent, that would be my dad." "LAUGHTER" "Jon, how did you do it?" "75 + 2 75 + 2 = 77" "Times by 4." " 308" "SEAN:" "Wow, he's good, isn't he?" "Ten points to Jon!" " APPLAUSE" "Josie, you're studying A-level at the moment." " I am, yeah." "It's my hobby." "Your hobby is doing an A-level in Maths?" " Yes." "Because I kept having nightmares that I was doing A-level Maths." "I thought, "I'll show dream me who the boss is."" "What?" "!" "You were having nightmares about doing A-level Maths and your answer was to do A-level Maths?" "Yeah, kind of exercise the dream demon." "Are you going to turn up to the exam naked, as well?" " LAUGHTER" "If I have a nightmare about zombies, I'm not going to put some toxic waste in a local reservoir and hope it comes true." "That's not zombies, you won't get zombies from that." "What will you get?" " You'll get like mutated insects, so you'll be on a hiding to nothing there, Johnny." "I think you're more likely to get a strongly worded letter from your local water supplier." " LAUGHTER" "I used to work for North West Water and it's people like you, actually, that give us a lot of problems." "Why are you digging up my street, I don't mind the lead pipes!" "I like the hum that I get from my tap water." "I find it quite soothing." "So stop dicking about with me pipes!" "OK, the scores at the moment are, Sean and Romesh have 22," "Johnny and Jon are in the lead with 26!" "APPLAUSE" "And here is your teaser." "The words are ASS GAMES and the clue is - loosen up the muscles." "That's ASS GAMES - loosen up the muscles." "See you after the break." "APPLAUSE" "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser - the words were ASS GAMES, the clue was "loosen up the muscles"." "It was, of course, MASSAGES." "OK, before we go on, doesn't actually work here any more, but he turns up anyway." "It's Joe Wilkinson." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "LAUGHTER" "You all right, Joe?" "Yeah." "I've had a bit of a shit week." "Well, you fired me, didn't you, you ringpiece?" "So..." "LAUGHTER" "We decided to go on holiday, and it was a nice place, actually." "They had a playgroup for him to hang about in." "And I got arseholed in the day, and then one day, we decided to go out in my new pedalo." "Basically, he's a really strong pedaller, but he's a moron, so he won't stop." "And so..." "We ended up being lost at sea." "That's awful, Joe." "How long were you lost at sea?" "About 45 minutes." "LAUGHTER" "My hair grows really quickly if it's left unattended." "As do Fabio's toenails." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "Actually, that is disgusting." "Fuck off." "They look like Sean's." "Go on." "So what happened was, we found this desert island, and we realised we were going to have to live off our wits." "So, first thing we did, we sent out a message in a bottle." "But we couldn't find any paper, so we put an answer machine in instead." "That didn't work." "So what Fabio did is, he decided to make an ironing board out of seagulls and a fishing rod." "That's why my suit's in tatters." "Can't iron on that fucking thing." "Then he decided to make a fishing rod out of an ironing board." "I don't know why he didn't just use an ironing board as an ironing board and a fishing rod..." "But as you say, he's a fucking idiot." "So at that point, we realised we were going to have to get our spirits up a bit, so we decided to make a statue of Susie Dent." "LAUGHTER" "SUSIE:" "Great!" "JOE:" "You know, to remind us what we had to live for." "We made this out of things we found and things we bought at the local cash and carry." "It was at that point we realised we were in Blackpool." "LAUGHTER" "Let's play Countdown!" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "OK." "On with the game." "Jon and Johnny, your turn to choose the letters." "So, consonant first this time so you don't get distracted." "Yeah." "Sounds good." " We'll have a consonant, please." " OK." "Oh, I was just going to..." "I've just bought a bear trap." "Why?" " I was going to fiddle with that, get that working." "Are you expecting any bears?" "Well, it was a couple of quid." "I thought, "Why not?"" "OK." " So, Jon, go on, pick the letters." " A vowel, please." "O" "Stop looking at my arse." "Consonant, please." "D" "And another one, please." "Thanks, Joe." "N" "Now settle down, because in my brain, that says WOODEN." "JOE:" "And we'll have that?" " JON:" "Yeah, we'll have that, mate." "A!" " Whoo!" "And another vowel, please." "I" "And another consonant, please." "JOE:" "That could also be a small L." "R" "And another vowel, please." "Are you going?" " I've lost interest." " No?" "All right." "O" "And a final consonant, please." "And a final..." "C" "OK, and your time starts now." "Go on!" "Go on!" "Come on!" "Fucking hell!" "That close!" "That close!" "Romesh, what'd you get?" "Three." " Three." "OK." "What...there's a bloody bear here, mate." "The music..." "This is bullshit." "There's so many things." "I wasn't told there was going to be a bear trap." "I wasn't told you were going to give points to Johnny for just making up any old shit." "Do you know what I mean?" "I feel like..." " They're pyjamas, I didn't invent them!" "They've been around for centuries." "Sean, what'd you get?" "Six." "Jon, how'd you do?" " An eight." "AUDIENCE:" "Ooh!" "Johnny?" "I got an eight." "You got an eight?" "Yeah." " Similar to Jon's eight, I would imagine." "OK." "Romesh, what's your three?" "IAN" "LAUGHTER" "IAN?" " Yeah." "Could you give us the definition for IAN?" "Yeah." "He's a..." "He's a bit of a twat." "OK." "Sean, your six?" "INDOOR" "Can't be arsed to put that up." "IND...?" "OK, so INDOOR, very good." "Jon, your eight?" "Well, one smaller than a rainforest, if you haven't got the space, is a RAINWOOD." "Save the RAINWOOD." "What?" "Let's see if it's even still alive in the dictionary." "No, the RAINWORM's alive." "It probably ate the RAINWOOD." "OK, RAINWOOD is not in there." "Johnny, your eight?" "It's not in there!" " No." "Well, you've fucked up my eight, haven't you?" "So, six points to Sean's team." "APPLAUSE" "Josie, Susie, could they have done any better?" "We couldn't have done better, but we did get two other sixes." "We got COWARD and RANCID." "OK." "The scores at the moment are:" "Jon and Johnny have 26," "Sean and Romesh have 28." "They're in the lead." "APPLAUSE" "And here is your final teaser." "The words are WOW DILDO, and the clue is - not touched by human hands." "That's WOW DILDO, not touched by human hands." "See you after the break." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser - the words were WOW DILDO." "The clue was - not touched by human hands." "It was, of course, WILD WOOD." "Time for our final letters game." "Sean, Romesh, your turn to choose the letters." "A vowel, please." "U" "Yeah, cheers." "Er..." "A consonant." "LAUGHTER" "What's that?" "Just having some lunch." "LAUGHTER" "Nutritious!" "What are you having for lunch, Joe?" "Vowel, please." " I only really eat candyfloss." "LAUGHTER" "I" "I" "Consonant, please." "Q" "Vowel, please." "A" "Is that an A?" " Yeah." "Another vowel, please." "I" "Consonant." "L" "Consonant." "Uh!" "I see a bird!" "R" "LAUGHTER" "I'll have another vowel." "And the last one..." "U." "Uh!" " And your time starts now." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Jon, what have you got?" "Er, five." "Johnny?" "Letters." "Romesh." "I've got a four." "Can I get your dad's number because I really feel we're going to bond." "You're a bloody disgrace!" "There's a..." "I mean, this is bullshit!" "There's break dancing going on, man!" "The other children had to deal with it and they managed." "It was distracting, wasn't it?" " Thank you." "It was distracting." "I didn't like that." "I was going..." "You should watch that when it goes out on the telly." "I was trying to focus and I thought it was actually Jimmy in a hat." "LAUGHTER" "What are you saying, Johnny?" "All I'm doing is leaning over and looking at Jon's words and he knows I'm doing it and he's quietly resenting me." "So, Romesh, you've got four." "Potentially a five if we're allowing street slang." "LAUGHTER" "Sean, what have you got?" "I got five." " You've got five?" "OK." "So, Romesh, your four." "My four is QUIT." "But if you're acquainted with street slang, that can become QUITA with an A on the end." "As if to say, "Oh, my God!" "That dude's a QUITA!"" "You know what I mean?" "That's legitimate... that's Croydon." "LAUGHTER" "An R on the end, as well." " Done it, mate." "That's somebody who, like, is used to quitting a lot, you say, they've played the QUITAR." "LAUGHTER" "It's GUITAR." "Six." "Sean, what's your five?" "I've got two." "I've got TRAIL or QUAIL." "Jon, your five?" "QUILT." "Johnny, you got...?" "Erm, I got QUILT." "So, five points to both teams." "APPLAUSE" "Josie, Susie, could they have done any better?" "Yeah!" " How could they have done better?" "We did better and we didn't even try." "It wasn't even hard for us." "We got a six, which is RITUAL." "And, also, we got a more interesting five." "QUIRT." "A QUIRT is a short-handled riding whip with a braided leather lash." "Oh, yeah, I've got one of those." "OK." "So, Jon and Johnny have 31." "Sean and Romesh have 33." "Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum." "BUZZER" "Is it GRAVESIDE?" "Let's have a look." "It is!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "So, the final scores are Sean and Romesh have 33." "But tonight's winners with 41 are Jon and Johnny." "Congratulations, you are now the proud owners of this Countdown piano." "CHEERING AND WHISTLING" "Give us a tune." "Thanks to all panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home." "That's it from us." "Good night." "APPLAUSE" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"