"_" "I'm in the middle of a crisis, but I wanted to leave some kind of record in case things go sideways and my plan doesn't work." "It all started about a week ago." "I'm looking!" "I promise!" "Honey, I'm sorry, but her stuffed lamb isn't in my car!" "Besides, I have a class to teach." "I don't know what you" " expect me to do if I find it." " Oh, I expect you to drive back here and give it to your screeching shit factory of a daughter so she'll shut the hell up!" "I'm sorry, honey." "It's not here." "All right, Newton's cradle, named after Sir Isaac Newton, demonstrates conservation of momentum and energy using a series of swinging spheres." "You're a liar, Tim, and an asshole!" "Kids, your teacher is a liar and an asshole!" "You guys might have a substitute for the next few days." "Realizing Sandy needed some time away from the baby," "I found your cabin online and left our daughter with my parents so Sandy could get some much-needed rest." "I'm not promising to have sex with you up here." "No one said anything about sex promises." "I just want you to get some sleep." "Oh, here you are." "Tim Davidson." "Froggy Cottage. 3 bedrooms." "Feel free to use them all." "That's not why we're here." " We're just here to get some rest." " Oh, okay." "Well, it's... it's very quiet and clean." "Emma just gave it the once-over." "That toilet downstairs runs like a canyon, so after you flush, you gotta take the top off and monkey around with the chain and that bobber thing." "As long as you brought it up, after you rest, I wouldn't mind having sex considering we haven't done that in almost a year." "Ever since I gave birth, things aren't the same down there." "Well, luckily for you, it's been so long since I've seen it," " I don't think I'll notice." " Oh, you'll notice." "It looks like someone punched a lasagna." "Oh, if you like Italian food, there's a place on Maple." "We prefer Chinese." "Wang's Tastey Delightful is the best on the mountain." "Our nephew does the deliveries." "Don't tip him, though." "He'll just use it for drugs." "Claims he's clean, but you tell me what man misplaces his car 'less he's on the ganja." "Here you go." "Froggy Cottage." "Personally, I thought your place had a lovely mountain charm, but Sandy is a little tougher to please." "Okay." "Smells dusty, musty, or rusty in here." "Something "usty," for sure." "Maybe we should just go home." "It'll be fine." "I'll open a window." "What the hell?" "!" "Are you shitting me?" "!" " Tim!" " Shh!" "Shh!" "Hey." "There's a little kid over there having a Cat Stevens moment with his dad." "Tell me you packed my humidifier." "Is it news to you that I have a sinus condition, that I can't sleep without my humidifier?" "No, it's not news to me." "I knew this weekend wasn't about sleep." "I bet you didn't forget condoms, did you?" "I bet you didn't forget that edible lube you like, makes your balls taste like strawberries grown in Chernobyl, did you?" "Did you, Tim?" "Huh?" "!" "The flavor's actually mixed berry." "Okay, go long, buddy." "We got a dehumidifier." "Want me to see if it has a reverse button?" "It needs to be a Boneco 7135." "They sell them at Bed, Bath  Beyond." "Is there a Bed, Bath  Beyond nearby?" "You ever heard of something called a Bed, Bath and..." "What was it?" " Beyond." " Beyond?" "There's one in Winksville." "Oh." "There's one in Winksville." " It's about an hour drive." " An hour." "Honey, maybe you could, like..." "Now, I had every intention to get the humidifier safely back up to the cabin as fast as I possibly could." "_" "But then something came up." "I'm not normally a strip club kind of guy, but maybe it was the picture of the girl on the sign or maybe I just wanted to stand in front of a woman who wasn't going to yell at me." "Whatever it was, it was calling the shots." "Bucha!" "Come on." "Gentlemen, recently back from maternity leave, put your hands together for Kombucha!" "Let her earn it!" "Am I on?" "Hi." "I'm Tickles." "Hello, Tickles." "Um, the girl on the billboard working today?" "Sweetheart, the girl on the billboard is a model from NYC City." "We're mountain dancers." "Come on." "Why don't you treat yourself to a private dance in the VIP room with a mountain dancer?" "Full bush." "Sit down, Tiger." "She gave me a nickname right away... "Tiger."" "Up until that point, the closest a woman has ever come to calling me Tiger, was when my wife called me a pussy at my uncle's funeral." "I had never had a lap dance before, so I was basically following her lead so I didn't look like an idiot." "Yeah." "Do you like feet, Tiger?" "I love feet." "I have no idea why I said that." "Not that I have anything against feet but I certainly don't love them." "Hopefully, it was just an innocent conversation starter." "It wasn't." "I don't want to get into too much detail about what happened during the next seven or eight minutes, but I can tell you this..." "It involved feet, and I'm not proud of it." "I can see her!" "I can see our mom in there!" " I want to sell you something, bro." " No, thank you." "I-I think you're gonna want to buy this." "It's a one-of-a-kind video, Tiger." " What's on the tape?" " Not much." "Just everything you did in the VIP room." "Shit." "You don't look so good." "You need to sit down, Tiger?" " Okay, stop calling me Tiger." " Oh, you prefer" "I call you something else?" "Foot-sniffer?" "Foot-licker?" " Athlete's dick." " Okay," "I don't even like feet." "I was just being polite to Tickles." "Yeah, and I appreciate you being nice to my stepmother." "Look, man, I'm not trying to make trouble for you." "I just want to sell you the tape." "I'll be on my way." " How much?" " 700 bucks." "Seven hund..." "Look." "I think I have 30 bucks on me." "It's all yours." "Just please take it and leave." "Please." "Mmm!" "Fried chicken?" "Color me jealous!" "My cholesterol's sky-high." "Can't do it." "Enjoy it, though!" "Good for you." "Please take it." "Take it." "Please, please, please?" " Come on, man." " What's going on?" "Oh, hi!" "Look at you, all clean..." "Clean as a whistle." "Who's this?" "Maintenance guy..." "He just wanted to stop by, make sure that everything's working." "Oh, you got, like right..." "Go in the house, and take" " anything you want." "Anything." " Yeah." "He's nice." "The shower pressure's for shit." "Yeah, I think he's more of like an appliance/electronics guy." "He's just gonna... you know, make sure everything's up to snuff." "And if not, he's gonna take it with him and then bring back better stuff later." "Whatever." "I want to open another bottle of wine." "Okay." " Okay, why didn't you take anything?" " Like what..." "The world's first microwave, that old as hell combination TV-VCR, one of the myriad of ceramic frog statuettes?" " Did you just use the word "myriad"?" " Yeah." "Why?" "Did I use it wrong?" " No, you used it right." " Sweet." "Look, I don't know what else to tell you." "I have no cash." "Well then, it looks like me and your wife are gonna find out if that combination TV-VCR works." "Tiger, what did you do that for?" "You know exactly why I did that." "Now you can't blackmail me!" "No tape, no blackmail!" "Yeah!" "That was some Jason Statham shit right there!" "I'm-a be back later tonight with another copy of the tape." "That should give you time to run to the bank." "And I want $2,000 this time." "Forgot the doughnuts." "My ex-wife won't let our son have them, so it's our little secret on my weekends." "I'd give anything for a doughnut right now!" "And an ex-wife." "My only choice was to figure out how to convince Sandy to leave before the guy with the tape came back." " Hey, Timmy." " Lasagna's ready!" "Did you see the way that guy looked at me, Tim?" "He didn't look at me like a mother." "He looked at me like a piece of ass." "You're still married to a piece of ass, Tim." "Why don't you come over here and cut yourself off a slice?" "Now, I knew the clock was ticking, but who knows when she was going to be in the mood again?" "And we hadn't had sex in over a year, which we more than made up for." "And just for the heck of it, I even tried some feet stuff." "Ow." "Okay, I think I'm done." "She didn't like it." " That was fun, right?" " It was great." "And now I can sleep." "Oh!" "I'm gonna put my night guard in." "Mmm." "Will you fill up the humidifier for me?" "Sure." "And that's when I realized that while my erection might be going away, the guy with the tape wasn't." "And then it hit me..." "The perfect plan." "What the hell do you mean," " you drank all the bottled water?" " I'm sorry." "The sex made me thirsty." "I filled it up in the bathtub." "Is that okay?" "No, it's not!" "You know I refuse to breathe tap water!" "I know." "I'm sorry." " Maybe we should go home." " How are we supposed to do that, Tim?" " We've both been drinking." " Well, you've been drinking." " I haven't been drinking." " You had a glass of wine." " I had one glass." "I don't think..." " You're a lightweight, Tim!" "I can't let you get behind the wheel of a car and hit someone, go to jail, and get to sleep all day while I raise that screaming banshee you planted in my twat!" "Would it kill you to simply say "vagina"?" "I mean, you're college-educated." "Honey, no no no, no." "No, no." "Do..." "Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't open..." "Finally!" "I ordered Chinese." "You don't happen to have any bottled water with you, do you?" "I'm sorry, what?" "Oh, honey, you have your night guard in, so it's kind of hard to understand..." "Bottled water." "Do you have any bottled water?" "Not unless you ordered it." " What are you doing?" " I'm going to walk forwards until I find a store that sells bottled water!" "Breathing tap water." "What is this, Haiti?" "I'll get your money." "So here I am, getting ready to execute my latest plan." "If I could just buy myself a few hours," "I could convince Sandy I was sober enough to drive home." "But the guy would be back with the tape soon, and this time, he would be ready for me to try and smash it again, so I searched all over your cabin for a weapon." "The only way I was going to overpower this guy was to use the element of surprise." "So, taking a page out of Sir Isaac Newton's book," "I made my own cradle." "When this ball hits his balls, he'll drop the tape." "Then I'll scurry down and smash it again." "That should buy me some more time." "Anyway, I'm writing all this down in your guest book so you can give it to the police in case he kills me." "Hello?" "Oh, shit." "Hey." "Okay." "Oh, boy." "Okay." "All right." "Timmy!" "There's my Timmy!" "Oh, my God, the guy at the store was totally hitting on me!" "He said my tits were leaking, but how would he know my tits were leaking if he wasn't looking right at 'em, right?" "I am on fire!" "Mm." "All right." "Whoa!" "Mmm!" "So, in the end, things turned out okay." "I was able to put your bowling-ball lamp back the way it was." "The owl was a little trickier." "This turned out to be exactly the weekend my wife and I needed." "Thanks for sharing your home with us." "Your pal, John." "P.S.:" "That's not my real name." "Shit!" "♪ Can we be there ♪" "♪ Oh, just think of the time ♪" "♪ Thought of love so strange ♪" "♪ Said you never knew ♪" "♪ While I try my best ♪" "♪ To cover our eyes ♪" "♪ It's a common way to blame and hide the truth ♪" "♪ I know that some will say ♪" "♪ It matters but little, babe ♪" "♪ Aw, but come on and mean it to me ♪" "♪ I need it so bad ♪" " _ - ♪ I needed to try ♪" "♪ I needed it so ♪" "♪ I needed your love, I'm burning away ♪" "♪ I need never get old ♪" "Hello." "Oh, hi." "We're here to pick up the keys for Froggy Cottage." "Oh." "Of course." "Let me, uh..." "Let me find your reservations." "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" " We could go to jail, you know." " Don't get soft on me now, Jeff." "We've got some heavy lifting for the Lord to do." "Our son is not marrying an atheist." "Okey doke."