"PUDDLE:" "Ever since we moved into his house," "Steve was acting like..." "Well, not like Steve." "Mom, I'm gonna get some of Mr. Lunt's French toast." "Okay, but ask this time." "Don't just grab it from his plate." "(CHUCKLES) Like Helen Keller, right?" "(GROANS)" "She always did that." "So who wants to go bird-watching?" "Steve, you don't have to start bird-watching just because it's one of my hobbies." "No!" "God, I've always watched birds." "Love just watching them fly or even just sitting on the branch sleeping." "It's not boring as hell." "Look, you don't have to lie." "It's a little insulting." "Well, in that case, of course I want to shoot them." "Well, at least you're being honest." "Please don't kill any birds though." "I won't if you will agree to go bird-watching with me." "That sounds like a plan." "Half smile and a necklace twist." "Haven't gotten one of those in a while." "PUDDLE:" "Steve thought that whenever my mom liked something, she twisted her necklace and gave a half smile." "Well, nothing I can do against that kind of power." "You win." "Mom, I won!" "I beat Steve!" "You sure did." "I totally let Puddle win." "Puddle sucks." "I mean, she couldn't beat Lunt if he was in the middle of one of his world-famous heart attacks." "Yes, Steve, you're so much better than that 12-year-old girl, but truthfully, I think that Emmy just wants you to be yourself now." "What do you mean?" "Well, I have the unfortunate habit of listening when people talk and I think she was saying that you don't have to pretend to be something you're not." "I'm sorry, Migo." "I don't know what you're babbling on about." "But I do know that I have home court advantage now that I've finally separated her from that weasel Andy." "So tired of him spying on me every time I look out..." "What are you doing, troll?" "You think you're so clever trying to seduce my woman with your fancy luxuries like food and heat." "I invited you to live in the house, sponge." "Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you, pig?" "For me to abandon my principles just so I could warm myself by your crackling fire and eat your... (SNIFFS)" "French toast with cinnamon?" "You just feel threatened because I can provide her with all the creature comforts and you're nothing but a, well, creature." "Just give him some French toast." "He'll go away." "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Oy!" "Why have you given my French toast to that peasant, Lunt?" "The same reason I was giving it to you." "So you'd go away." "That gesture is extremely vulgar and provocative in my culture and it almost makes me want to un-invite you to my Casino Casbah Night this Saturday." "This year, I'm hiring an Indian children's choir to sing and to clean up afterwards." "Wait." "Why are you having it so early this year?" "Don't you usually wait till after Ramadan?" "Well, it's to coincide with the visit of a certain Mr. Jack Gray." "He's coming?" "We're going to have a Jack attack!" "Yes, Steve." "You, me, and Jack." "The old cell, asleep no more." "Man, this is exactly what I need after two weeks of non-lethal bird-watching." "Why, I haven't seen Jack since..." "He set the pool on fire?" "And how hard is that to do?" "First, you got to drive the SUV under the pool." "Then you got to wait for the gas to float to the top." "Then you still got to be drunk and stupid enough to cannonball in with a lit cigar in your hand." "We almost died." "Yes, we did." "This is gonna be the best Casbah night ever." "I wonder if we'll even have one of those old-fashioned casino fights like in the movies." "Man, I can't tell you how much I need this." "I have been walking on eggshells since Emmy moved into the house." "Are you going to tell her about Jack?" "She's the one who wants me to be more honest about my life, so she'll just have to accept the fact that I like to party hard every once in a while." "Well, it suits me." "It's time to Jack-proof the house." "PUDDLE:" "So Mr. Lunt and Migo went to making the house safe for Steve's crazy friend Jack." "STEVE:" "My friend is here." "My friend is here!" "Am I standing on a mattress?" "We thought it would soften the blow for the inevitable fall down the stairs." "You have done a beautiful job making this place safe, Migo." "Blind Siamese twins being called in different directions couldn't get hurt in here." "Yes, it's almost a shame you're going to black it all out." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Steve!" "Jack!" "The Harvard, the Yale and the Mercer County College." "(BOTH GRUNT)" "Ah, college!" "The best 17 years of my life." "Oh, my God!" "You Jack-proofed the place for me." "Ha-ha!" "Loch Ness platinum." "$25,000 a bottle." "Thought we'd start with this and work our way up to the expensive stuff." "Look, I should have told you this earlier to save you the trouble, but about a year ago, I stopped drinking." "Oh, my God." "Your tolerance must be nonexistent." "I am so jealous." "No, it's not like that, Steve." "I'm sober now." "Well, this should be an evening to...remember." "PUDDLE:" "Steve had just found out that his hard-partying friend wasn't partying anymore." "You're disappointed?" "No." "Yes, you are." "Everybody has been." "You think I don't see the look of joy drain from my frat brothers' faces when I tell them I no longer imbibe?" "That I'm here to make amends?" "Amends?" "Oh, God." "For what?" "For all the times I really let you down." "Like now?" "PUDDLE:" "As Jack apologized for giving Steve some of the happiest nights of his life, my mom ran into Migo out front." "Hey, Migo!" "Hey, Emmy." "I thought you were going to the movies with Mr. Lunt." "It was a Wizard of Oz sing-along, and I didn't want to be the only girl." "What's going on?" "Steve and his old fraternity brother Jack are having some guy time." "I have to warn you, Emmy." "He's a bit of a party animal." "He loves drinking and he can get very rowdy." "I just thought you should know." "Well, at least he's acting like the old Steve again." "You know, I just hate when people lie and pretend to be somebody that they're not." "PUDDLE:" "Meanwhile Steve and Jack were having their most sober conversation ever." "Oh, and lastly, I want to apologize for that time we stole that bouncy castle from that kid's birthday party, paddled it out into the bay." "The Coast Guard came." "We almost died." "It was really sad." "Emmy, there you are." "This is my fraternity brother Jack." "Hi, Jack." "Looks like you two were about to have a drink." "Maybe I'll join you." "Oh, uh, no." "Jack doesn't drink." "Oh, you don't drink?" "He never touches the stuff." "PUDDLE:" "My mom thought Steve was lying." "Well, maybe I should just head inside, put on a pot of tea and we could all hang out?" "PUDDLE:" "And that's exactly what they did." "Steve, Jack has had the most amazing two years." "I mean, if it was a movie, nobody would believe it." "PUDDLE:" "Especially my mom, who didn't." "Jack, at what point did you realize you wanted to turn your life around?" "I was in that big tsunami in Thailand." "And I found myself clinging to this tree..." "What kind of tree?" "An acacia." "Great question." "For eight days with nothing to eat but a packet of cashews that I'd grabbed from the hotel honor bar before we floated out." "And I remember thinking, "Thank God for that honor bar."" "And that one word really stuck with me." ""Bar."" "No. "Honor."" "I vowed that if I lived, I would stay and help rebuild that country along with my own life." "And thus began my period of worldwide spiritual journeying." "Boy, Jack, you have a lot of substance." "I wish I had a substance to help me get through tonight." "Sure there's no way you can't take him back to your place?" "Absolutely not." "Besides, his sobriety is making you look better in Emmy's eyes." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "Just have to suck it up for a couple of days." "PUDDLE:" "It turns out Jack was almost as much fun as Steve and twice as wholesome." "(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)" "PUDDLE:" "He was the calmest wild man I'd ever seen." "(SIGHS)" "Thank you." "Did you ever think a song that cute could be about halting the Burmese sex trade?" "Well, it is." "Who wants to guess what "dinka, dinka" means?" "Who is this guy?" "PUDDLE:" "Jack seemed to have everything." "He was even more charitable than Andy." "Just one bag of this rice will feed a child for an entire week." "Can you believe that?" "(JACK LAUGHS)" "Hey, that dude's stealing, like, a month's worth of rice." "Oh, no, he's just my..." "Never mind." "Live and let live, right?" "PUDDLE:" "Later that night, my mom tried to catch Jack in more lies about being sober, but it was hard." "So I grabbed that old Kenyan woman and I breathed the life back into her." "Her saliva infected me with a horrible bout of dysentery, but it was worth the suffering to give her just a few more weeks of life." "PUDDLE:" "While Steve still tried to bring out the old, fun Jack." "(SCREAMING)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(GROANING)" "PUDDLE:" "And then Mr. Lunt had a wholesome, mild heart attack." "Steve!" "Gosh!" "The paramedic said Jack's quick thinking probably saved Mr. Lunt's life." "Well, if they're so smart, why aren't they doctors?" "Paramedics." "They're like the stewardesses of the hospital." "Are you okay?" "No, I'm not okay." "What's the matter?" "Tell Fa'ad." "I don't want to." "Tell Fa'ad." "Fine." "I hate him." "And I hope I never have to see that jerk Jack again." "I know, right?" "How about the way he was showing off just because he saved Mr. Lunt's life?" "Oh, God, we're gonna have to hear that story again and again and again." "He seems to be moving in on your territory, leaving you naked and desolate by the roadside of Emmy's affections." "No, I've known Jack for years." "He'd never move in on any woman that I cared for." "There's a code of honor among fraternity brothers." "Yes, but what if he breaks the code?" "No, he'd never do that." "Besides, there's no way Emmy sees anything in him." "Yes, of course you're right, my friend." "I'm sorry for planting the seed of doubt in your mind." "Now let's get back out there and pretend to have fun." "JACK:" "To be able to bring somebody back to life like that is so thrilling." "Hey, I should teach you CPR sometime." "That would be great, Jack." "Oh, my God!" "The necklace twist and a smile?" "She likes Jack." "Hey, you know what?" "I'm not just pretending to have fun anymore." "PUDDLE:" "My mother kept pushing to reveal that Jack was a partier to prove that Steve was a liar." "And that's when I realized that I was put on this Earth to do something." "And it wasn't just lines off some girl's... (HONKING)" "Oh, look." "There's Fa'ad." "Have you seen an Indian children's choir roaming around here?" "They're one minute late for rehearsal." "No." "Oh, falafel cakes!" "Ah, so I see you're still with Jack." "PUDDLE:" "My mom decided to stir the pot and make it look like she liked Jack more than she did." "Yeah." "God, he is so great." "You know, he's got Andy's principles and Steve's fun." "It's like he's the perfect combination of Steve and Andy." ""Standy."" "PUDDLE:" "For someone so against lying, my mom's really good at it." "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "Meanwhile, Steve stepped up his efforts to win back my mom from the man she twisted her necklace for." "Let's line up, shotgun formation on three, all right?" "Ah, you, caramel-y dude in the" "Caroline in the City T-shirt," "I'm gonna look for you on the far side." "All right, chunky and husky, you give me enough time in the pocket and you won't be the only ones who are untouchable." "Here we go." "And hut, hut, hut!" "Oh." "Look at this." "It's almost worth the curry stains." "Steve, what are you doing?" "I'm giving these needy children a day of magic." "Uh-uh, these are Fa'ad's kids." "This is the Bollywood choir he hired." "He promised me $100 in Casbah chips if I found them." "It does not make them any less needy." "(IN HINDI)" "Did you hear that?" "(LAUGHTER)" "How delicious." "Your fun but wholesome pal is showing you up for the debauched idiot that you are." "How disgusting that you're still not as fun as I am on any day, you candy-assed do-gooder." "Oh, is that so?" "PUDDLE:" "And so Andy set out to prove Steve wrong about not having a fun side." "Emmy, so glad you could make it to my party." "Who's this guy?" "I didn't say you could invite him." "This is Jack and I think you two have a lot in common." "Well, pleasure to meet you." "Yeah, yeah, great." "But this is about fun, so let's kick it old school with my daytime, fun-time jamboree." "(BHANGRA MUSIC PLAYING)" "Come on, everybody." "PUDDLE:" "Fun Andy had overloaded the tree house." "(MUSIC STOPS) (ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Whoa!" "Nobody move!" "(WHISPERING) We are in extreme danger." "(WOOD CREAKING)" "PUDDLE:" "The police said that if it hadn't been for Jack's quick thinking, we all would have been dead." "(CHEERING)" "And the next morning, Steve invited Jack to go bird-watching with him." "See that right there?" "That's a piping plover." "So now we just sit here and not shoot it." "It's good to see you slow down, Steve." "Life doesn't have to be a constant party, right?" "Yeah, right." "Hey, listen, I'm sure it's totally unnecessary for me to tell you this, but," "Emmy and I are kind of..." "Know what I mean?" "You're kind of what?" "Well, I'm nodding and making this face." "You get it." "Anyway, I'm gonna have to invoke the code and ask you to back off." "Back off?" "What do you mean?" "You want me to, like, stop hanging out with Emmy?" "I know it's stupid, right?" "It's not me." "It's the code." "Okay, sure." "Code comes first." "You're right." "I'll back off." "So please, by all means, go back to trying to steal Emmy away from Andy, even though they're engaged." "Hey, pig." "You done with those?" "Why?" "They're on another one of their walks." "Already?" "That's it." "This guy's going down." "Hey, pig." "I want to help." "So..." "Maybe..." "We should..." "BOTH:" "Team up?" "PUDDLE:" "And for the first time ever," "Steve and Andy agreed on something." "We can do it together, pig." "All right, but if we're gonna be partners..." "Oh, right." "Steve." "Yeah, let's go back to "pig."" "Yeah, I miss pig." "(CHILDREN SINGING IN INDIAN LANGUAGE)" "PUDDLE:" "Steve and Andy's plan was to make Jack look bad by tempting him with all his old vices." "(LAUGHS)" "Welcome to my Casbah." "Choose your game." "Well, if memory serves, Jack prefers baccarat." "I don't gamble like you guys do." "So I'm gonna have some club soda, maybe watch Emmy play." "Great." "Let's go." "Okay." "Hey, see that guy over there in the third-rate tuxedo and the first-rate flip-flops?" "Send over a double bourbon and keep 'em coming." "I don't gamble." "So what?" "I don't care." "Oh, changing your ways, huh?" "Nothing like a little temptation to keep the will strong." "(SIGHS)" "Sometimes I like to double down on temptation." "Wow." "You really commit, don't you?" "(MOUTHING)" "PUDDLE:" "Steve and Andy kept sending more drinks to Jack, but Jack kept resisting." "Must have me confused with somebody else." "PUDDLE:" "But my mom was committed to exposing Jack as a party boy." "You have got incredible resolve." "It feels good to have my hard internal work appreciated, especially by someone I respect and like as much as I do you." "PUDDLE:" "So mom played the flirt card." "Too bad you can't have a drink, because being drunk is the perfect excuse to make that kind of sexy mistake it would so obviously be if we hooked up." "Too bad you don't drink." "Oh, my God." "Do you see that?" "The smile and the twist." "She almost snapped a necklace on that one." "I'm gonna go get some chips." "Thanks." "Hey, guys." "Guess I'm not having much luck at the table." "Not what we saw." "Yeah, looks like somebody's about to get lucky over there." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "We saw how you were looking at Jack." "And how he looks at you with his Kumbaya sing-songy voice." "God, I just want to throw up thinking about that guy." "Joke's over, okay?" "I know what you're up to, Steve." "I know you got your big, drunk friend to pretend to be some sober do-gooder to try to impress me." "What could possibly make you think that?" "Migo told me that Jack is some big-time partier and then five minutes later, Jack is telling me he's practically a monk." "He was a partier." "Migo must have told you that right before Jack told me that he was sober." "Look, I know how that looks, but it's the truth." "So you're not playing a game with me?" "No." "Wait." "So you're not in love with Jack?" "God, no!" "Especially now that I know it's not an act." "That guy is a jerk." "All he does is talk about himself." "What about the half smile and the necklace twirl?" "That means you like him." "No, it doesn't." "That's what I do when I'm lying about something." "PUDDLE:" "She did do that when she lied." "Mom, I won!" "I beat Steve!" "You sure did." "PUDDLE:" "Even I knew that." "But Jack misread it too." "Hey, maybe I should teach you CPR sometime." "Sure." "That'd be great, Jack." "Oh, that's what she does..." "When she's lying." "Oh, God." "He's actually sober and I've been trying all night to get him to pick up a drink." "Oh, that's okay." "He hasn't touched any of the drinks we sent over, so you're totally safe." "Except five minutes ago, I offered to sleep with him if he got drunk." "That would do it for me." "(DISTORTED) No!" "No!" "No!" "I can't let you do it, Jack." "You've worked too hard." "You've come too far, man." "Don't drink the poison." "What's the difference?" "I'm miserable." "I haven't been laid in a month." "Even Emmy doesn't want me sober." "The hell with it." "Jack attack." "No, Jack." "Come on." "Come on, don't try and stop me." "No, Jack!" "I need it!" "Give it to me!" "No, Jack." "No, Steve!" "Oh, good." "Jack, I don't like you." "I won't sleep with you if you drink." "Oh, God." "My life sucks." "No, Jack!" "No, Emmy!" "PUDDLE:" "This went on for a few more minutes." "No, Jack!" "No, Steve!" "EMMY:" "No, Jack!" "No, Jack!" "JACK:" "Come on!" "No, Emmy." "No, Jack." "No, no, no, no." "No, Andy." "Wow." "No one has ever done anything this kind for me in my entire life." "You saved me." "You honored the code when I tossed it aside." "Oh, God, you are so boring." "You are so boring." "You used to be such a fun guy." "I get it." "But before I go, I do want to..." "Oh, God!" "So boring!" "You're just gonna say something boring!" "Oh, Jack." "You're an enormous buzz kill." "Get out." "I understand." "Farewell." "PUDDLE:" "And as Jack walked away, he thought to himself how glad he was that he didn't drink." "Well, you both did the right thing." "You didn't have to physically drink all these cocktails, but..." "Yeah, but then he wouldn't have had..." "Drank them and I don't like waste." "I love you, Memmy." "I know." "I know." "It's so funny that he says, "I loves you, Memmy."" "'Cause I loves you, Memmy." "And you know what, Steve?" "I think you picked up a few of Andy's principles." "Honor, loyalty." "I'm proud of you." "Thanks." "Mmm-mmm." "Andy, I think you're fun enough to hang out with this guy now." "I'm a..." "I'm a fun guy!" "Be careful." "PUDDLE:" "And so Steve and Andy finally became friends." "She is the greatest." "She's the greatest." "PUDDLE:" "But it didn't last very long." "You stay away from my woman, pig." "She lives in my house, you ass." "Your ass is the pig." "You got a pig ass." "You got a pig ass." "Hey, a casino fight."