"ted:" "brian kinney, a father?" "michael: [ on telephone ] it's true. i was there." "i saw it happen with my own eyes." "talk about conceiving the inconceivable." "or is it the other way around?" "michael:" "would you give the guy a break?" "emmett: [ on telephone ] couldn't be any worse than my daddy was." "michael:" "or mine, not that i can remember him." "so what's next?" "pta parent?" "little league coach?" "scoutmaster?" "they don't allow queers in the scouts." "they're afraid we'll induct new recruits." "i only go out with men who've already enlisted." "so, uh, who's he look like?" "well, he's got brian's eyes and mouth and... lindsay's nose." "well, if he's got melanie's dick, we're in big trouble." "[ chuckling ] you should see the pictures i took." "he's so adorable." "in one of them he's actually playing with himself." "who, brian?" "no, the baby." "can you imagine, he's only been in the world about an hour and already he's pulling his pud?" "excuse me." "yeah." "can you tell me where men's jockey shorts are?" "aisle four." "thanks." "sure." "ted: [ on telephone ] well, that proves the theory." "we've all got dick on the brain from womb to tomb." "emmett:" "speak for yourself." "i am." "yeah, go for it." "are you watching that filthy web site again?" "you can't believe this guy. he must be at least 10 inches." "ted?" "ted." "uh, can i put you on hold one moment please?" "yes, mr. wertshafter?" "have you finished going over the gropnik returns?" "oh, yes, sir." "i just printed them out." "there you are." "federal and state." "thanks." "you're welcome... mr. wertshafter." "sorry. the boss." "shit!" "you better be careful." "oh please, that guy's so blind, he's yet to figure out his wife's been boinking his business partner for the last five years." "how he's going to find out about me?" "i'll catch you later." "later." "later." "michael: [ narrating ] remember that story we all read in high school, you know the one about the prisoners chained in the cave?" "plato or whoever." "all they could see were shadows on a wall, so after a while, they started thinking that was reality." "well, in a way, that's what ted's like." "it's been so long since he's had sex with some- one he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real." "that no one's really there." "that they're only... shadows." "then again, whoever got anal warts in a chatroom?" "woman:" "michael." "[ mouthing silently ] [ chuckle ]" "[ dropping of baskets ]" "the difference between our beer and their beer is that our beer says, "sex"... not clydesdales." "if you want to be cool, if you want to be popular, if you want to get..." "laid... this is what you drink." "man:" "what about the model?" "are you sure he isn't too, um... gay?" "ladies?" "woman:" "i wouldn't care if he was." "i'd go to bed with him anyway." "[ giggle ] what do you think?" "i hadn't thought about it." "[ ?" "]" "?" "that's right ?" "[ ?" "]" "[ grunts of game ]" "coach:" "move. move. you guys show some hustle out there." "let's go." "justin:" "guess what i was doing last night." "girl:" "sleeping, same as me?" "having sex, all night, with that guy i met, brian kinney." "we did it till 6:00 in the morning." "well?" "aren't you shocked?" "not really." "oh." "well, i kinda figured that you're... you know." "even though you never told me." "i'm telling you now." "[ deep sigh ] want some of my veggie wrap?" "so what was it like?" "well, i started out as a tight end, but wound up a wide receiver." "[ giggle ] players:" "ball. ball." "coach:" "come on, where's your arm?" "thanks." "thank you." "good to meet you." "thank you." "next time." "thanks." "uh, ?" "he's married ?" "brian:" "uh-huh." "woman:" "with two children." "ah, a family man." "huh!" "excuse me." "could you, uh, tell me where the men's room is?" "yeah, it's just down the hall and to the left." "thanks." "that's a long trip." "huh!" "he might get lost." "i'm sure you'll show him the way." "there i was on my back." "and there he was on top of me, slipping it in." "that must have hurt." "didn't it hurt?" "yeah, at first it felt like someone was shoving a broom up there." "but, i told him to go slower, and he did." "then i stopped thinking about it when i looked at his face." "his eyes were closed." "his mouth was open in a sort of smile, like he was in another place." "a beautiful place." "that place was me." "[ snort ] and his body. god!" "like his body was so amazing." "i could see every muscle." "he said he wanted to stay inside me forever, and i wanted him to." "i still feel him, like, he's still there." "christ, daphne, everybody talks about having sex." "but i really did it." "[ opening of zipper ] [ sniffle ]" "i had to piss during that whole pitch." "didn't think i could hold it." "your presentation was very impressive." "think so?" "yeah, it was very impressive." "well, i'm glad you liked it, because that's what we're here for." "to please the client." "so, like, what is he now?" "your boyfriend?" "[ chuckle ] we just met." "well... do you love him?" "i don't know." "yeah, i love him." "[ giggle ] does he love you?" "he said he did." "when?" "well, when he was about to shoot." "he was moving really fast, and he let out this groan like nothing i'd ever heard before." "and that's when he said it, right when he came." "he said, "i love you."" "then he leaned in and kissed me." "[ clearing of throat ] well, i guess we better be getting back." "yeah, i guess so." "it's been a pleasure." "it can be even more of one." "excuse me?" "[ ?" "]" "you know, i'm never wrong." "huh?" "oh nothing, buddy." "i-i don't kiss." "yeah, right." "[ ?" "]" "mr. novotny?" "mike." "mike." "i was wondering if... well, you know those boxes you wanted me to move." "mm-hmm." "i mean, i don't want to seem like i'm shirking or anything, but they're kind of heavy." "do you think one of the guys could maybe give me a hand?" "yeah, no problem." "i can get some- body to help you." "oh, that'd be great. okay." "i'll be over on aisle 14." "okay." "okay." "woman:" "yes, your majesty." "somebody should tell her princess di is dead, and they're not looking for a replacement." "the boxes are heavy." "and there's nothing wrong with asking for help." "i... i think she's kind of sweet actually." "you think she's sweet?" "well, i don't really know her, but, yeah." "what about cute?" "yeah, she's cute." "well, she thinks you're cute too." "she... does?" "she likes you a lot." "but she didn't know if you liked her, so i said i'd find out." "so you don't really think she's stuck-up." "oh, she's adoll." "you know, i never heard you say you liked a girl before." "well, i..." "in fact... i've never heard you say anything about girls." "you..." "like girls, don't you?" "sure. uh..." "so?" "then you'll come with us after work tonight." "we're taking her out for a drink." "i don't think i can. i..." "ah!" "no excuses." "shoeless joe's, 7:30." "and... do something about your hair." "it was a trap." "hey, see that number in the red shorts?" "ted:" "i could work out for 100 years and never look like that." "pretending she didn't like her, just to see what i'd say." "shawn peters. i went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top." "and?" "and i fell for it!" "turns out he's a big nelly bottom." "i could have told you that." "emmett:" "aw, it's so discouraging." "are there no real men left?" "and now they're expecting me to meet them." "in steroid city?" "no, in this straight bar." "is there anyone here listening?" "there's this new girl at work who's interested in you." "fat marley tricked you into meeting her and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go or they might suspect." "check out mr. pec-deck." "emmett:" "so what... if they do?" "they could fire him." "or i could end up an assistant manager for the rest of my life." "and the solution is to pretend you like pussy?" "ah, look, he's not like you, okay?" "what is that supposed to mean?" "meaning he's not an obviously gay man." "are you accusing me of being obvious?" "if the fuck-me pump fits... well, i could be a... a r-real man, if i wanted to." "you know, just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless." "never, never use words like... like fabulous or divine, talk about, i don't know, nailing bitches and rbis." "but i'd rather my flame burn bright, than be some puny, little pilot light." "and a fabulous flame it is." "thank you." "yeah." "ted:" "but michael is out there in the straight world." "and believe me, it isn't easy." "you do what you have to do." "[ panting ] i better go change." "for your big date?" "ooh, here's a sports mag." "better bone up." "just in case the conversation veers away from liza's weight problem." "justin, did you hear me?" "i said you're not going." "[ snort ] i'm going." "you were just there last night." "so what?" "so, i was planning to take you and your sister out for pizza." "you... you know, i expect you to clean up this mess." "i don't understand why you have to spend all your time with daphne." "of all the beautiful clothes your father and i bought for you, you have to pick something that no longer fits." "that is too tight." "that's why." "justin?" "don't i get a kiss goodbye?" "i expect you to call." "we need a secret code word like "shazam", so that if i get in a tight spot, you can come in and rescue me." "a tight spot." "how about "buttplug"?" ""buttplug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation." "because that's what you are, pretending you're one of them." "i couldn't help it." "oh, you could have told her the truth, instead of acting like a scared, little faggot." "you should have just said, "i take it up the ass, sweetheart." "deal with it." right. right." "by the way, i noticed you got the jeep repainted." "[ deep sigh ] oh my god, this place is like, breeder central." "buttplug, butt- plug, buttplug, butt... see you, mikey." "[ mixed chatter ] man:" "i want to watch the end of the game." "[ country  western ?" "] ?" "won't you be true?" "?" "?" "luziette, oh, luziette ?" "?" "girl i love you ?" "?" "something happens to me every time i watch her dance ?" "?" "fiddles play and as she moves... ?" "marley:" "michael." "michael!" "where you been?" "we thought you got lost." "some, uh, last- minute business." "slide it on in." "harv, move your hairy ass." "man:" "[ chuckle ] thanks." "what'll you have?" "uh... same as everybody else." "good choice." "uh, bring over another pitcher." "michael:" "hi." "hi. glad you could make it." "i told you he'd be here, didn't i?" "not to worry?" "i wasn't worried." "now just make sure he's not seeing anyone, before you get all lovey-dovey." "[ giggle ] marley, would you shut up and leave 'em alone?" "what?" "you're not seeing anyone, are you?" "me?" "no." "well that's good." "i mean..." "i understand." "you don't want to get involved with someone if they're involved already." "so are you?" "seeing anyone?" "no. we just broke up." "oh. sorry." "oh, don't be." "he was a real doofus." "only i didn't know it at the time." "there's so much you don't know at the time." "isn't that the truth?" "like, can you believe, he... he didn't even know how to fix a sink?" "others:" "[ chuckles of sympathy ] really!" "woman:" "he called me at work saying, "what should i do?"" "i said, "i don't care what you do." "buy some cement." "get a cork." "used chewing gum." "but plug it up!"" "all:" "[ laughing ] but plug it..." "[ chuckle ] buttplug..." "[ helpless laughter ]" "a million dollars?" "melanie:" "that's the general idea." "a million fucking dollars?" "brian, please." "you'll wake the baby." "well, the answer's no." "definitely not." "huh, i don't understand the problem." "i mean, lindsay told me you offered to help support him." "it was very generous." "well that's different than a life insurance policy." "it's simply in case something happens to you." "like i'm decapitated at a railroad crossing?" "or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion?" "you know, i can just imagine the grizzly deaths you've conjured up for me." "like in case you get sick." "ah. even better." "considering your life." "i mean, when's the last time you were tested?" "six months ago." "i was negative." "that's 26 weeks and 182 one-night stands." "you know, i've always admired people who could multiply in their heads." "and i'm always careful." "look, this isn't for us." "it's for our son." "we need to make sure he'll be provided for." "and all i have to do is die." "hopefully not before you sign these papers." "all:" "[ jolly laughter ] we won't be laughing come superbowl time, when we're up against the titans." "we don't stand a chance." "don't say that." "you've got to believe, right, mike?" "like cher!" "youwatchfootball?" "constantly." "[ chuckle ] so, uh... what do you think?" "what do i think?" "i think... due to free agency, we've lost some of our best players." "still, our defence is strong, but we need a new scheme from our defensive coordinator to move the ball." "[ chuckle ] that's just what i say." "ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." "[ ringing of cell phone ]" "hello, sports fans." "i'm coming to get you." "it's okay. i'm having a really good time." "she's really, really nice." "she's really nice?" "do you think she and her friends would be really nice if they knew the little charade you were playing?" "they'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in." "they're not like that." "not like that, huh?" "listen to me, mikey." "are you listening?" "yeah, i'm listening." "there's only two kinds of straight people in this world;" "the ones that hate you to your face, and the ones that hate you behind your back." "now get the fuck out of there... because i need you." "[ beep of disconnect ] emmett:" "?" "...how i was gonna change, but i'm not ?" "?" "if you keep doing things i don't ?" "?" "you better think ?" "others:" "?" "think ?" "?" "think about what you're trying to do to me, yeah ?" "?" "think ?" "?" "think ?" "?" "let your mind go, let yourself be free ?" "oh yeah!" "?" "yeah-h-h... ?" "hi." "oh shit, just what i need." "what's-his-name." "justin." "his name's justin." "if i can remember it and i didn't even fuck him, why can't you?" "because i did." "so, dawson, how are things down at the creek?" "crowd:" "[ cheering ] emmett:" "thank you, pittsburgh." "i love you." "you know, for a skinny white boy, i make one fucking fabulous black woman!" "[ chuckle ] how about another round on me?" "i got a better idea." "let's move on." "what's wrong with here?" "i've had everyone here." "yeah, my problem precisely." "you haven't had me." "oh yeah?" "what?" "y-you never told us." "there's nothing to tell." "we were up in his room." "we were 14, 15 tops." "[ heavy sigh ] we were supposed to be studying, whatever, only we're not." "we're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlour." "anyway... there's this shot of patrick swayze from "dirty dancing"... without his shirt on." "ah-h-h." "ah-ha-ha!" "so i've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and i glance over at mikey, and guess what?" "he's got one too." "okay, you can stop now." "twin stiffies." "i reach over, start rubbing it." "he's practically swooning." "i pop it out, start stroking it, nice and slow." "and we're both this close." "then... his mom walks in without knocking." "all:" "[ laughing ] they always do." "did she see you?" "i don't see how she could have missed it." "only we didn't come, so it doesn't count." "oh, "dirty dancing"." "that's a really old movie." "what?" "i said that's a really old movie." "it's not that old." "how old are you?" "uh-oh." "how old do you think i am?" "33?" "[ snort ] [ chuckle ] fuck you!" "he's 29." "and fuck you too." "what did you tell him for?" "fair's fair." "we all know what that means." "in a few months, you'll be 30." "might as well be dead." "hmm, well... you ought to know." "you already are." "oh, ho, ho, ho." "michael:" "oh no you don't." "come back here." "you're not sticking us with that kid." "he's your responsibility." "now get back in there." "you know, i'm getting a little sick of people telling me what's my responsibility." "if lindsay and melanie want to go off and have a kid, that's their responsibility." "if what's-his-name-- justin-- wants to go out and pick up guys while he's still in high school, that's his responsibility." "my responsibility is to myself." "i don't owe anybody a goddamn thing." "calm down!" "i gotta go." "emmett:" "anyone up for babylon?" "ted:" "i was thinking boytoy." "you know, i haven't been snubbed by a twinkie in weeks." "what about him?" "ted:" "what about him?" "well, we can't just leave him here." "it's not our problem." "he's mine?" "no, brian's your problem." "let him clean up his own mess for a change." "don't waste your friday night babysitting." "[ ?" "]" "i come all the way here just to see him." "he doesn't want anything to do with me." "yeah well, the thing you got to know about brian is... he's not your boyfriend." "brian doesn't do boyfriends." "yeah well, you weren't there when we were doing it." "you don't know the things we did... how he kissed me." "you don't know anything." "i know this." "brian is a selfish prick who doesn't care about anyone but himself." "if i were you, i'd just forget about him." "hi'ya, boys." "gettin' any tonight?" "[ chuckle ] i haven't seen you around here before." "he's new." "woman:" "and cute." "every guy in the place has his eye on you tonight, sweetheart." "michael:" "can we order?" "shoot. bet it'll be the first time tonight, am i right?" "woman:" "[ chortling ] ha-ha. i'll have the chicken- fried steak." "no remarks." "and, uh, he'll have a bacon cheeseburger." "please." "please." "you gotta keep your strength up, sunshine." "you can't cruise all night on an empty stomach." "[ chuckling ] what a freak!" "yeah, she takes some getting used to, but once you do, can't help but love her." "one chicken-fried steak with no remarks, coming up in a flash." "thanks, mom." "you're welcome, baby." "[ embarrassed chuckle ]" "you're, like, so lucky." "i am?" "your mom's cool about you being gay." "if mine found out, she'd kill me." "at least it gives her a sense of purpose." "i mean, without me she'd be playing bingo instead of organizing pride marches and... handing out condoms." "do you need a ride?" "uh, i borrowed a friend's car." "oh, you don't have a little beemer of your own?" "i'm working on it." "just remember what i told you about brian." "if he's such a selfish prick, how come you're always following him around?" "i'm not always following him around." "we're best friends." "we accept each other for who we are, no judgements, no obligations, no questions asked." "you're just waiting for him to finish jerking you off." "what?" "you never got off." "that's why you're still hanging around after all these years." "go on, chicken." "back to your coop." "and don't go looking for him." "it'll just make things worse." "ready, sweetie?" "did he take off?" "just as well." "he was a little too young for you." "hmm." "melanie:" "should i invite my cousin rita?" "which one's she?" "you know." "the one with the, uh, overbite who never approved of us?" "oh, her. might as well." "she probably won't come anyway." "oh..." "that's my good boy." "you know, it's funny." "i used to see these women feeding their kids, and i'd think," ""ugh, what a turn-off."" "but watching you... it's beautiful." "you can't believe how connected you feel." "good night, sweetie." "next time, we'll feed him together." "you can give him my breast." "it's so full." "[ sighs of pleasure ] i guess that's all we can do for now." "oh, 34 guests." "that's a lot." "not everyone will show." "well, let's hope one in particular doesn't." "lindsay:" "i hope we weren't too hard on him." "who?" "brian?" "all that talk about the insurance." "it almost sounded like we were hoping something might happen to him." "we're just being practical." "i mean, he's the father, isn't he?" "it only makes sense that his son should be his beneficiary." "[ clatter of typing ]" "lindsay:" "i'm just saying maybe we should have waited until he was over the initial shock." "huh!" "what shock?" "you're the one who gave birth." "all he did was show up with his latest trick." "at least he showed up." "[ scoffing ] christ, it never ceases to amaze me." "what?" "the way you put up with his shit." "[ fussing of baby ] shhh." "i don't put up with it." "like hell." "i understand it..." "him." "what?" "that he's a bigger infant than his son?" "that he does exactly what he wants." "no excuses, no apologies." "i've always admired him for that." "well, then you can put up with it." "i don't have to." "come on, let's go back to sleep... for an hour." "yes." "so, you going out cruising after you drop me off?" "no. i've been invited to an all-night orgy." "whoo!" "sounds hot." "hmm." "if you must know, i am going back to my gay apartment, taking off my gay clothes, and getting into my gay bed." "you're in a mood." "it's goddamn brian." "what did he do this time?" "never mind." "i wish you wouldn't let him get to you." "but he always does." "that's why i keep hoping that you'll meet somebody." "why are all the lights on?" "something must be wrong with vic." "vic!" "baby?" "is everything all right?" "just couldn't sleep." "hey, mikey." "uncle vic." "are you in pain?" "yeah." "where?" "tell me." "my wallet." "holy shit!" "what is it?" "it's the mastercard bill from our... our trip to italy." "first-class airline tickets, the excelsior in rome, the diamond and coral earrings i bought you in capri." "they're all here." "the problem is, so am i." "don't say that." "it's a miracle you're still alive." "it's a miracle how i'm gonna pay for all of this." "hustle?" "both:" "[ chuckling ]" "both:" "[ chuckling ]" "[ ?" "]" "?" "it's you, you, you again ?" "?" "dreamy crush with the sun coming up ?" "?" "glance, look, stare, ?" "?" "stake in my heart, oh-ho-ho ?" "?" "it beats so fast, so fast it stops ?" "?" "?" "i think we jam like jell" "?" "jelly baby ?" "?" "come on, make it happen ?" "?" "peach malibu ?" "[ ?" "]" "teenaged brian's voice:" "patrick swayze is so hot!" "?" "?" "empty your vessel for me" "?" "'cause we travel together on bus 43 ?" "i guess we'll have to take care of that." "?" "empty your vessel for me ?" "?" "'cause we travel... ?" "patrick swayze is so hot." "i've seen "dirty dancing", like, five times." "what i wouldn't give to fuck him." "don't say that, brian." "you're so pathetic." "first i'd unzip his fly." "then i'd pull out his king- sized boner." "play with it, real slow." "oh, yeah?" "hey, mikey... you have a woodie." "i do not." "you do too." "we'll have to do something about that." "[ ?" "]" "?" "glance, look, stare ?" "?" "stake in my heart, oh-ho-ho ?" "?" "it beats so fast, so fast it stops ?" "hi, babe." "ma!" "can't you knock?" "i forgot to tell you we're having a yard sale, so if you want to throw anything out... oh, don't tell me you still have a crush onhim." "i'd fuck you." "[ buzzing of doorbell ]" "top floor. come on up." "christ!" "i'm sorry." "i-i don't want to..." "you can't just drop by unannounced." "i just want to talk." "there's nothing to talk about." "please?" "i won't stay long. i... i'll just..." "can i?" "no." "oh, shit." "the door was about to shut so i... slipped in." "penthouse." "not bad." "who's this?" "no one." "i have to see you." "i'm busy." "i don't mind a threesome, although he's kind of young." "he's also kind of leaving." "who's he?" "forgive me for not introducing you." "justin, this is mr. goodfuk." "mr. goodfuk, may i present justin." "name is george." "sorry." "george goodfuk." "you don't even know him." "well, i was hoping to get to." "now why don't you just scamper on home?" "he's my stalker." "that wasn't very kind, sending him off, a kid that age, by himself at this time of night." "who are you?" "father goodfuk?" "oh, all right." "make yourself comfortable." "and don't..." "steal anything." "hey. hey!" "i just left a complete stranger alone in my apartment to come and talk to you, so don't run away from me." "we need to get something straight." "you don't do boyfriends." "oh. mikey's been talking to you." "you'll fuck anyone." "he's ugly." "you don't even know him." "and i..." "i really thoug..." "justin." "i've had you." "what happened last night... it was for fun." "you wanted me and i wanted you." "that's all it was." "a fuck?" "well what did you think it was?" "look, i don't believe in love." "i believe in fucking." "it's honest." "it's efficient." "you get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit." "love is some- thing that straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with." "[ sniffling ] if that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty, little girl... and get married." "that's not what i want." "i want you." "you can't have me." "i'm too o... you're too young for me." "you're 17." "i'm 28." "29." "all right. 29." "all the more reason." "now go do your homework." "?" "well i could sleep forever ?" "?" "but it's of hurt i dream ?" "[ ignition of engine ]" "?" "if i could sleep forever ?" "?" "i could forget the laughter there ?" "[ ?" "]" "?" "if i could sleep forever ?" "?" "if i could sleep forever ?" "?" "if i could sleep forever ?" "[ ?" "]" "?" "come on ?" "?" "i wanna hear it ?" "?" "let's get soaking' wet ?"