"See anything ?" "No." "Wait." "No." "........... ..........." "Stop wasting film." "We have a mythical beast to document." "Mine." "You're gonna break it." "What do you care?" "You stole it from work." "It was in the lost and found bin." "It's a victimless crime." "He's such a tease." "I haven't seen so much as a flip-flop in a year." "You don't at all feel like you're ........ this guy?" "Huh-uh." "What's the point of living in a trailer park if you can't take in the local color." "And by that, I mean spy on the freaks." "We're all spying on freaks tonight." "Talk to any cow creamers recently?" "Not recently, no." "You think maybe he got so fat he can't get out?" "His door is very narrow." "He only opens it for food." "It's pizza night so he'll have to open it wide enough to get that box in." "If your portly Chupacabra doesn't emerge soon" "I'll be forced to go home and work on my dissertation." "I don't call him that anymore." "He might be of Mexican descent." "I don't wanna seem insensitive." "Then what d'you call him?" "Fat Pat." "It was Fatsquatch, but..." "So do Mom and Dad think you're over here studying Jesus and Zeus and Buddha and all the rest?" "Uh-huh." "So do Mom and Dad know you talk to things that don't talk?" "It really is impressive how long you've managed to fleece them from your Ivory Tower of Academia." "I'm not fleecing." "I'm working really hard on my education." "Just not right now." "Pizza van approaching." "Get the door." "You get it." "It's my mythical beast." "I'll take lots of pictures." "It'll be just like you were there." "You see anything over 500 pounds, start snapping." "Hi, Mrs. Beattle." "Now, I've asked you to call me Marianne Marie." "No, thanks." "Um, I'm really busy." "Sorry, kitten." "I was just seein' if you had any mail delivered here by mistake." "Haven't got my disability checks in months." "Pizza guy is leaving his vehicle." "Hi." "Hi." "No checks." "Thanks for stopping by." "............ ............" "Sure." "Trailer's movin'." "Alot, alot alot." "I really need that money, doll." "Never been the same since the hysterectomy, and the muffin business has been B-A-D." "My psychic says I need to advertise." "Is the door open?" "Did he open the door?" "I gotta get me some investors real quick or I'll be pullin' up stakes." "Oh, no." "Well, they already evicted me." "S'posda vacate my plot a week ago." "Just been waitin' for my checks." "Door's opening." "Can you come back later?" "Just take a peek." "Oh." "Oops." " Find 'em, sugar?" " Well..." "Keep 'em here." "Is that a joke?" " Keep 'em here." " I was just asking if ya found 'em." " Chupacabra." " Shut up." "I found this." "Is this yours?" "It has your name on it." "Oh." "I'm so stupid." "Then no, I didn't find anything." " You'll still keep an eye out?" " Mmm-hmm." "Bye." "Thanks, hon." "Oh, God." "A hand!" "An arm!" " It's over." "He shut the door." " No!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Crap." "I thought your "In Search Of" exploits were over." "I was feeling nostalgic." "Fat Pat reminds me of a simpler time." "When you were more of a bitch?" "Or we could just say it was a simpler time and leave it at that." "It's not like I was chasing him on a motorcycle." "You think he's unphotographable?" "Like a vampire?" "More like a black hole." "Maybe he's so dense he defies the laws of physics and light refraction." "I think you admire him." "I do admit the whole shut-in thing has a certain appeal." "Dress is optional and there's the part where you get to avoid people." "............" "Staple it." "And other things that talk." "You don't have to be a "shut in" to avoid people." "I'm not a "shut in" and I'm avoiding people right now." "But you punch a clock for the man, Fat Pat answers to no one." "What's he doing?" "Ignore him." "It's employee evaluation week." "I think you're obsessed with Fat Pat because he's a bigger freak than you are." "Are these reconnaissance?" "Are you trying to help him?" "Who are you talking to?" "I don't help people." "My baby!" "My baby!" "Here." "I think it soiled itself." "Thank you." "Thank you so much." "Stop." "What?" "Nothing." "Ohmygod." "My grandmother's ring." "I thought we lost it." "Oh, for godsakes." "Stop it." "You need therapy." "Some analysts believe talking to inanimate objects is a way to create a reality that's... more supportive." "But it's not a reality." "It's a delusion." "I asked her why she stole your brass monkey." "Know what she said?" "She still has my monkey?" "She said it told her to, then acted like she was kidding, but she wasn't kidding." "The monkey talked to her?" "Like the cow creamer?" "Totally like the cow creamer." "Who do you think she's talking to?" "You mean who does she think she's talking to?" "No." "I mean who do you think she's talking to." "............" "Aren't you getting your Ph.D. in comparative religion?" "Yeah, so?" "Moses talked to a bush, didn't he?" "You're not suggesting she's like that Margaret chick who talked to god about her period." "I'm only suggesting a state of mind." "What are you suggesting?" "No thing." "She's not talking to god." "That would be a delusion." "Interesting." "What did you just write down?" "A note." "Are you an atheist?" "As a theologian, I feel it's irresponsible to define myself in those terms." "But, yeah." "A theologian who doesn't believe in god?" "There's more of us than you think." "And yet you're threatened by the idea of your sister talking to god." "I'm not threatened." "I'm worried." "Worried that your sister may be insane?" "Or worried that she's not?" "She has to be." "This isn't me." "It's humiliating." "I don't save babies." "You saved that baby." "I didn't do anything." "That baby looks like a human shield in your hands." "Thank you." "See?" "This woman knows me." "She knows this isn't who I am." "That's not who she is." "She knows I'm not considerate of my fellow man." "She didn't use to be." "You seem considerate to me." "More or less." "You didn't know me before." "Before what exactly?" "Before... considerate things started happening around me." "But I know you now." "You think I'm a baby-saver." "And now everybody's gonna think I'm a baby-saver thanks to the Ogwehoweh Reservation Newsletter." "Okay, so maybe not everybody." "But the Seneca Indians who read this paper will." "I can't have them running around thinking I save babies." "I'm three percent Seneca." "Well, then you can tell your people I won't be saving any of their babies." "Spread the word." ".........." "Give the lady a chair." "Somebody's using that." "Aw, man." "Why can't people watch what they're doin'." "Damn." "Sorry." "This woman is not an employee and The Barrel cannot be held legally responsible for her actions." "Just got this shirt and now it reeks like..." "It reeks like rum." "Here's a towel but it kind of smells like sour milk." "I don't know which is worse." "There's rum in my virgin daiquiri." "Dude, that's my daiquiri." "Sorry." "I've been sober 20 years, jackass." "Thank you." "You just saved my sobriety." "I didn't mean to." "Take that thank you back." "I didn't earn it." "Where you goin'?" "To a meeting." "I had nothing to do with that." "Mrs. Beattle?" "Mrs. Beattle?" "Marianne Marie?" "Mrs. Beattle?" "Did you take your allergy pill with Gallo again?" "Ew." "................" "Muffins." "He's out." "Hello?" "Did we have a rapture?" "..........." "Um..." "Pat?" "Fat Pat." "All these pictures are of me." "Are you stalking me?" "No, no." "I'm doing an expose on uh, people who are... on people who were, you know life in the trailer park." "You're making fun of me." "This one says "Fat Pat."" "No." "That actually says "Pat Pat."" "Like Pat squared. 'Cause there's so much of you." "I mean, in terms of the number of pictures." "Some of the ink must've rubbed off." "That's..." ""PatSquatch."" "Um, Mrs. Beattle is missing." "So what?" "You think I ate her?" "No." "But I did see your flip flop tracks." "You were in her trailer." "So were you." "After she was missing " "Hey." "How'd you get in here?" "Keys were in the door." "I was gonna use your phone to call the police." "Someone broke into my trailer." "Oh." "That was me." "No kidding." "What were you doing over there?" "Harvesting hair from my shower drain for your pillows?" "No, I was just... ew." "Ding dong!" "Hi." "45 minute bus ride, then I gotta sit on my keister, sweating' like a pig all day in those felt-covered bank chairs and nobody wants to give me any money." "Will "Muffin Buffalo" never roam?" "I'm sorry." "I'm just feelin' down." "The County still doesn't know what happened to my checks." "Anything turn up here?" "No." "No sign of 'em." "Well, hell." "Hi." "Fffa..." "Pat shut off your stove." "Your muffins were burning." "My muffins!" "Thank you." "I had to fetch Gwen from the bus stop and push her back to her trailer." "She's been having trouble getting her wheelchair down the driveway since they re-graveled the road." "Who're you " "Ohmylord." "Didn't you used to be a real big fat person?" "I wanna go home." "..........." "Hey." "Open up." "I feel bad." "Not because I was making fun, because I wasn't." "But you seemed upset so we have to talk about this." "Hello?" "I won't be ignored..." "Help." "Help!" "I'm not gonna hurt you." "Get out of here." "Why does it do that?" "It's a broken axle." "Would you please get out of here." "Please let me explain." "Please." "Okay." "I'm not a stalker." "And I wasn't making fun of you." "And... that's really all I... got." "You think I'm stupid." "I know you people make fun of me." "Even the tranny in the wheelchair makes fun of me." "Sometimes I just open my windows and listen to you people talk." "Can you tell who's saying what?" "Your voice is very distinct." "Okay, I lied." "There was funmaking, but not the malicious variety." "Not intentionally anyway." "You know what it was?" "It was fear of the unknown." "But now I know you so I'm not afraid anymore." "You don't know me." "Nobody knows anybody." "Not really." "And even if you think you do, chances are you don't." "Besides, how's anybody supposed to know you if you don't leave your trailer?" "I can't leave my trailer, okay?" "I'm still fat." "I have to lose twelve more pounds for my goal weight." "Then I can think about leaving." "You know who doesn't know you?" "You don't know you." "You think you're fat but you're not." "When was the last time you looked in a..." "You don't even have a mirror." "I couldn't find any my size." "Here." "See?" "I am fat." "You need to get out; see yourself the way other people see you." "I know how other people see me." "They see Fat Pat." "You're Non-Fat-Pat." "And it's time the Greater Buffalo Region labeled you correctly." "I just wanna be left alone, okay?" "I don't really like other people." "Well, then we have that in common." "We do?" "Yeah." "I'd be homebound too if I could get away with it but I can't." "You're not trying hard enough." "You haven't met my family." "But maybe you should." " I don't think I'm ready" " I don't think I'm ready either." " Maybe we should go." " Okay." "Hello, sweetheart." "I thought I heard you." "You must be Patrick." "I'm Karen Tyler." "Welcome to our home." "Is he the shut in?" "Hiya, Pat." "I'm Darrin." "Picked a good time to poke your head out." "It's not often we manage to corral all the Tylers for game night." "You have such a good heart." "Just make sure you establish boundaries." "Aaron, a little help please!" "What are you doing here?" "It's game night." "You never come to game night." "Hello." "Hi." "This is Patrick." "I only made four taffy apples." "Two of us will have to go without." "You should have one, Patrick." "It's a blue ribbon recipe." "From 4-H." "I don't want one." "Get it away." "Pat's on a diet." "But you're so fit." "Really?" "I have lost a lota weight." "Sharon used to be a husky girl before she slimmed down, weren't you dear?" "Cup of tea?" "I thought that cow didn't have a head." "Your brother glued it back on this afternoon." "Did he?" "Well, that's just crazy." "Interesting choice of words." "Are you two not getting along?" "It's a bike." "A circle." "A stick." "Two circles and a stick." "It's a frog on a bike." "Rainbow connection." "A crazy person." "Um, someone who's insane." "A lunatic." "Evel Knievel!" "In your face, losers!" "...................." "It's a cow and it's talking." "It's talking to a man... to a woman." "........................" "You guys suck." "What category were you looking at?" "I love winning at game night!" "The shut-in's certainly bringing out Sharon's competitive streak." "You guys are goin' down!" "It's time for him to leave." "I saw that!" " Saw what?" " She was talking to the cow creamer." "No I..." "I really wasn't." "Don't teasing your brother." "What did the cow tell you to do?" "Aaron, you're making an ass out of yourself." "C'mon, guys, focus." "Are we playing a game or not?" "I hope they liked me." "You think I'll be invited back?" "How often do you have game night anyway?" "That may have been the last one." "Oh." "That's too bad." "Uh-huh." "You know, I feel like I understand you so much better." "You're more real to me." "You're not so cold and unfeeling." "I'm really glad you forced me to be your friend." "Let's find you some more friends." "I don't wanna hog you all to myself." "I'm not ready for more friends." "Sure you are." "You just need to put yourself out there." "And maybe over there by those drunk girls." "Are you trying to get rid of me?" "Of course not." "Hey, wanna go get me a beer?" "A shot of vodka is only 55 calories." "I'll get you a beer." "All this blah-blah of a nice new you and come to learn you changed just because you met a guy." "You don't know what you're talking about." "And I haven't changed." "My situation has changed." "More blah-blah." "So, how long have you two been seeing each other?" "She's sort of been obsessed with me for years." "She has entire photo albums dedicated to me." "Really?" "Normally I'd find that creepy but... she's not ugly." "And if I had to order someone out of a catalog to be obsessed with me, it would probably be her." "She's never mentioned you before." "She's probably embarrassed because how deeply she cares about me." "The Fatsquatch." "Yeah." "I'm no longer "In Search of..." He's right over there." "What'd he do with all his extra skin?" "You know there's extra skin?" "It occurred to me." "He said I was his only friend." "You have to move." "I can't do that." "It's like I took a baby bird out of the nest, if I ditch him now he'll die of neglect." "You have to move." "When did I become the nice one?" "Just asking myself the same thing." "You know, I expected more from your big reintroduction to society." "........... in the stomach and robbed." "So all things considered, I had a really great time." "Yeah." "Wish it didn't have to end." "Okay." "Bye." "Don't be scared." "Comin' up right behind ya." "Oh, well." "Sheriff came out this afternoon with my third notice." "Said to leave by Friday or I'd go to jail." "I'm really sorry." "Oh, it's not your fault." "Um, I'm really, really sorry." "My sister told me I could park my trailer in her driveway 'till I get back up on my feet." "Marianne Marie..." "A'yuh?" "Don't even think about it." "I'm gonna miss you." "I'm gonna miss you too, kitten." "Best go pack up my lawn furniture." "I don't want this night to end, either." "You seem to be naked in my bed." "I figured it'd be better if we did it here." "My bed has the dent." "Also there's the tilting thing." "Hope it's okay I didn't wait for you." "What do you mean "didn't wait?"" "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "You think I'm fat." "No." "You are not..." "Look, whatever you think's been happening hasn't actually been happening, nor can it continue to not happen, especially not while one of us, meaning you, is naked." "Huh?" "You've got the wrong idea." "But our date..." "You were so interested." "You introduced me to your family." "I thought you were trying to impress me..." "You misunderstood." "I don't actually let people I'm trying to impress meet my family..." "I thought you wanted me to come out of my shell -- ?" "Yeah, but now I want you to go back in." "I can't sleep with you." "I just..." "I don't see you that way." "Right." "You see me as the fat freak that lives across the trailer park." "No." "That's not true." "If anything I see you as a legend." "You're like a celebrity!" "Yeah." "And who'd want to sleep with a celebrity?" " Pat..." " Don't look at me!" "You think I'm a charity case?" "That it?" "You think you're Mother Teresa or something?" "NO!" "God no!" "That's not me at all." "Okay, so sometimes it may seem like I'm a baby saver or a saint or something," " but honest, I'm really just a..." " Bitch." "Where's the camera?" "Camera?" "I'm supposed to believe you didn't get pictures of this?" "After you've been hanging out your window for six month with your telephoto lens?" "Don't you think for one seconde I won't be checking every Chubby Chaser website on the internet, and if any pictures of me turn up, even if the head's been cropped off, you better expect a fat lawsuit." "Evil bitch." "Okay..." "So long as we're clear on the me-not-being-a-saint thing..." "I told you she was crazy." "Limoges." "Very nice." "Look closer." "Made in China." "It's not even genuine French porcelain." "You think God's gonna be talking to anyone through a cheap knock-off?" "And so because it's an inexpensive reproduction you believe that's proof your sister is insane?" "The fact that it's a cow creamer is proof my sister's insane." "Do you even have a degree?" "They're on the wall." "So you set a trap for your sister using this cow creamer... as bait." "Totally." "That's cracked." "How is it "cracked" to be concerned for the welfare of a family member?" "I mean the creamer." "It's cracked." "Oh." "Yeah." "I broke the head off the last time it talked to her." "And that seemed to work?" "I took its mouth away." "Do you believe you alone have the power to silence the creamer?" "It was never not silent." "You don't have to be a theologian or an atheist to know that cow creamers don't talk." "I'm not on the clock." "Surprise!" "Congratulations, sweetheart!" "That was an accident." "This is a mistake." "No mistake." "We're so proud." "And shocked." "With pride." "I don't deserve this." "She's never been comfortable with praise." "They got me the same balloon bouquet when I made partner." "I was just rude to a customer." "I can't be employee of the month." "You don't have a choice." "Peggy said I can't get it anymore now that I'm management." "The honor comes with a certificate and a parking space on the first level of the structure..." "I park on the street." "...and the afternoon off." "I humbly accept." "Good!" "We made lunch reservations." "Really?" "Lunch?" "You can't spend all your time making the world a better place." "A girl's got to eat..." "Hello?" "Pat, honey?" "It's Marianne Marie Beattle." "I know you're home, you're tilted." "Where is Aaron?" "We celebrate all Tyler victories as a family." "I wouldn't call this a victory." "This certificate's invalid." "There's no signature." "Oh, wait." "There's a stamp." "A stamp is good enough for me." "I guarantee you this'll make the Christmas letter." "Oh, I wish it wouldn't." "There's Aaron." "Hi, sweetheart!" "Nice you could make it." "Did you see your sister's certificate?" "What are you?" "Huh?" "Are you like Dr. Dolittle?" "Your blood sugar's low." "Dip something." "It's not my blood sugar." "There's something out there and it's laughing at us." "Did she do this to you?" "You really think your sister's special lunch is the appropriate place for an existential crisis?" "It's not an existential crisis." "You're studying religion, for godsake." "You're bound to have one sooner or later." "Not an existential crisis." "Just the opposite." "I was fine when existence had no meaning." "Meaninglessness in a universe that has no meaning -- that I get." "But meaninglessness in a universe that has meaning?" "What does that mean?" "It doesn't mean anything." "Did the cow creamer tell you that?" "What has gotten into you?" "I am throwing that creamer away the second we get home." "The meaninglessness of meaning?" "Are you people high?" "Really, though." "You want meaningless?" "This fondue is meaningless." "It mocks everyone at this table." "That's your celebratory fondue." "I didn't earn celebratory fondue." "I don't deserve to be called Employee of the Month." "I don't deserve this certificate." "I don't deserve a parking space on P-1." "But I am taking the afternoon off." "Anything you'd like to share?" "Uh-uh." "No." "They're already saying' how quiet he was, how he always kept to himself." "Know who else was quiet and kept to himself?" "Jeffrey Dahmer." "Who are you talking about?" "Number twelve." "He snapped." "Fat Pat?" "Dragged Marianne Marie in there damn near an hour ago." "Ain't nobody heard a peep since." "Honey said he's off his nut." "Sounds like something sent him over the edge." "Smart thing to do would be to call the police." "Mrs. Beattle?" "Are you okay?" "Piss off ya evil bitch!" "............." "Where is she?" "Mind your own business, saucebox." "Did you eat all those muffins?" "Sure did........" "I said I needed to lose 12 more pounds." "But you wouldn't listen." "Where's Mrs. Beattle?" "She's back there." "Mrs. Beattle?" "Hey Jaye, what happens to a caterpillar from its cocoon before it becomes a butterfly?" "Isn't it like a worm with flippers?" "Yes, smartass." "I'm like a worm with flippers." "Thanks a lot." "You really just so vile." "Hey, kitten." "Sorry." "Didn't hear ya come in." "I was makin' a sissy." "Ready for apple-cranberry, hon?" "Yes, please." "You do realize you're being held hostage?" "Is this Stockholm Syndrome?" "Are you Patty Hearst?" "What are you squawking' about hostages for?" "I don't see nobody blindfolded and tied to a chair." "..........." "What about your goal weight?" "I'm tired of swimming up stream." "I have a new goal weight." "You lost 300 pounds." "You can't just go and gain it all back again." "Well, seig heil, Miss Jenny Craig." "Look, I'm Fat Pat." "I'll always be Fat Pat." "I tried to turn off my "fatdar," but I just can't, okay?" "Every time I go outside I'm gonna wonder, does that restaurant have a booth big enough for me to..............?" "Does this movie theater have retractable arm rests?" "What time does that market close 'cause if they're to busy somebody might look in my cart." "And turnstiles?" "Why would somebody do that to a person?" "I don't know." "300 pounds of phantom flesh." "Whether you can see it or not, It's still there." "It might as well be real." "Because whatever problems I had before, being less fat didn't solve any of them." "God, I'm depressed." "You can't let this get you down." "The sun'll come out and grey skies are gonna clear up, if not there'll be a silver lining I swear." "Just..." "Scoot over." "And give me a muffin." "These are really good." "Secret ingredient's Little Ivy's Fruit Cocktail." "Used to buy it by the case." "Got three cans left, enough for one more batch." "Then Muffin Buffalo will be put out to pasture." "Marianne Marie... promise you won't get mad?" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "You stole an old woman's disability checks." "That violates the High and Dry code of residential conduct, not to mention the basic tenets of Christianity." "I know this doesn't really help, but technically I wasn't stealing." "I mean, I didn't cash anything." "I feel crampy..." "Oh lord." "His stomach must've burst." "That can't be good..." "I'm thirsty." "You're dehydrated." "You lost a lot of weight... in an unusual fashion." "Did something get amputated?" "I guess I should've warned you about my muffins... they're fat-free." "I overdosed on a non-caloric fat replacer?" "Un-huh." "You tried to make yourself fat again and ended up reaching your goal weight." "How much did I lose?" "Thirteen pounds." "That stuff really moves business through." "That's a pound over my goal weight." "Congratulations." "I would like to make a business proposal." "I had some time to organize my thoughts while you were in your coma..." "After considering the accelerated manner in which you achieved your dieting goals it has occurred to me that you have more to offer the American consumer than meets the eye as someone who has experienced the nutritional benefits" "of Muffin Buffalo first hand you would make an ideal spokesperson if you decide to join me in this venture your name could become synonymous with healthy snackfood." "You want me..." "I don't know what to say." "I'd be honored." "Thank you." "Don't thank me." "Well, you're not thanking me." "Yes, I am." "I am thanking you." "I've been ruminating on events..." "I didn't do anything!" "Those disability checks you stole?" "More money than I've saved in my entirelife." "Stop!" " If you hadn't..." " Stop!" "Stop thanking me!" "What is it with you people!" "?" "Gawd." "Good lord, woman." "There's such a thing as grace." "Thank you." "Why are you thanking me?" "I didn't wait on you." "We're closed." " Oh." "Hi." " Hi." "We're closed." "I don't wanna buy anything." "In that case you can come in." "What are you doing here?" "Huh?" "Oh." "You forgot this at the restaurant." "Yeah, I sorta forgot it there on purpose." "But thanks, though." "You're just gonna throw that away after I leave, aren't you?" "Yup." "So that guy with you at the bar, was that your... boyfriend?" "Did he say he was my boyfriend?" "He said you were obsessed with him." "That part's true, but only 'cause he used to be Fat Pat." "Now that he's just Pat he's not as interesting." "I like that he's not as interesting to you anymore." "I like that you like that." "But you got the wrong idea about me." "I'm not a baby-saver." "Sure you are." "I'm really not." "Not unless there's coercion and even then only if it's convenient." "You can't tell me that every nice thing you've ever done was because you were forced to do it." "I guess I wasn't forced to be nice to Fat Pat." "Not really." "See, you are nice." "You have to leave." "Get out." "And I'm not nice." "I'm just highly susceptible to guilt." "You have the wrong idea about you."