"3x02" " In Da Club" "Around the rubber, off the aids needle, and... hole in one." "[laughs]" " Eat that, Steve." " No way." "That is not gum." "Trust me, I couldn't even blow bubbles with it." "Steve, you know I love playing mini-golf with you," "But don't you ever wish we could play at a better place?" "Are you kidding?" "What else could you possibly want?" "How about a real windmill?" "[humming] [horn honking]" "Stop trying to distract me." "You're just worried that" "I'm gonna kick your ass like I do every week." " Want to bet?" " I always do." "If I sink this next putt, you owe me five bucks." "Sweet, there's a new bum hole." "[gargling]" "Come on." "Come on." "[breathing heavily] [farts]" "Yes." "Pay up." "Uh, I don't think that's your ball, Steve." "[dramatic music] [screams]" "♪ Brickleberry ♪" " Malloy, are you okay?" " What are you, a cop?" "Gross." "Who thought it would be a good idea to store their leftover spaghetti in a manila folder?" "Hey, that's my lunch folder." "Give me that." "Damn, Steve." "What are you doing?" "You got to put some parmesan on that shit." "Ugh, you know, you two deserve each other." "Low class." "Who needs class when you've got friendship?" "I wish I had a friend." "What happened to that oily summer sausage?" "We got in a fight, and I ate him." "♪ I'm better than you and you and you ♪" "♪ you're fat, you're black, you're dumb ♪" "♪ and your head looks like a thumb ♪ [laughs] Woody Johnson, everybody!" "Today's the day I am becoming a member of the Hazelhurst country club." "Uh, did you forget?" "They've rejected you 15 times." "Yeah, well, not this year." "I have zero competition." "The other applicants may have had... accidents." "[music]" "Hey, buddy, are you okay?" "[gunshot] [zapping]" "Oh, hot, hot." "Ow!" "[zapping]" "Nooo!" "Nooo...!" "[splat]" "Steve, cover this with your fingerprints and bury it in the woods." " Denzel, you're coming with me." " But Denzel and I have plans tonight." "You can bleach each other's assholes another night." "Denzel, I got a job only you're qualified to do." "This some bullshit." "[laughs]" "Everyone at the country club is going to be so impressed" " by my black driver." " Not as impressed as they'll be by my black foot up your white ass." "Just be on your best behavior." "I need you to act black... but not uppity, Spike Lee kind of black or questionably gay Tyler Perry kind of black." "More like, uh, Uncle Remus Zip-a-dee-do-dah black." "Say black again, mother [bleep]." "No, no, no." "That's Samuel L. Jackson black." "Oh, whatever, man." "Why are you so excited about this stupid club anyway?" "Oh, it's only the greatest country club in the world." "Has the best golf course, the finest Cuban cigars, 30-year-old scotch." "Damn, that does sound pretty awesome." "Plus once a year at their annual Founder's day golf tournament, they make a legendary club sandwich." "Only an Andy Reid-looking tub of shit like you would get excited about a sandwich." "Denzel, you don't understand." "After the war, I was a homeless vet hooked on smack and Thai ladyboys." "That sandwich turned my life around." "[angelic music]" "Once I tasted that sandwich," "I realized I had something to live for." "Mr. Woody, time for dingaling tug tug?" "Change of plans, Pu Yang." "I am moving out." "Woody, it would appear you're our number one applicant." "Mainly because you're the only one who bothered to show up." "So about your ethnic background..." "All white, all white, all white." "[laughs]" " Excuse me, Mr. Johnson." " Well, hello there, my black driver." "Denzel, do you have an impressive message for me?" "Yes, I do." "The president is on the phone for you." " He says it is urgent." " Ugh, him again?" "Tell him I said to bomb any country with a "Q" in it." "Now get the hell out of here!" "Hello, fake ass president." "This top-heavy mother [bleep] can't talk right now." "He's busy taste testing three crackers' assholes." "Bye." "[all laugh]" "I love this guy." "You know, we are very intrigued by black culture." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "We love the blacks." " Now about my membership." " Right." "Woody, I think we finally found our newest member." " Denzel, welcome to the club." " Well, thank you, I..." "Denzel?" "[yelling]" "Son of a bitch!" "I can't believe they let Denzel in over me." "[groans] [sobbing]" "If they want affirmative action, I'll give 'em affirmative action." "Have you seen Denzel?" "Yes, that son of a bitch is at the country club." "He tap-danced his way in and stole my spot." "What?" "He never misses fountain Friday." "Last week we cleaned up." "I wish my cancer would go away." "[angelic music]" "Sweet!" "A penny." "Denzel, we spare no expense when it comes to making our members happy." "Anything you want, we'll make it happen." "How about a baby elephant dressed as Superman?" "[all laugh]" "And I thought Wayne Brady was funny." "Let's show you around." "Pool." "Tennis." "Sauna." "Ball pit." "High stakes bum fights." "[groans]" "And last but not least, our golf course." "Oh." "My." "God." "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." "Not a single used condom or dick-swinging clown." "[laughs]" "There's only one clown here, and that's Jerry." "He married a Jewish woman." "[laughs]" "To Denzel." "[clink] Man, I could get used to this." "Me too." "[gulps] [belching] I am Iron Man." "Whoo." "Holy shit, that was impressive." " Up top, mother [bleep]!" " Steve, how'd you get in here?" "They wouldn't let me in, so I dug under the fence." "Denzel, do you know this gentleman?" " Uh..." " Of course he does." "We were supposed to hang out tonight." "Look, I'm kind of busy here." "Just hang out by yourself." "Nah, when I'm by myself, all I do is cry, eat, and masturbate until they kick me out of Cinnabon." "Malloy... hey, wait." "When did Woody replace his white rug" " with a zebra print?" " He didn't." "Malloy, I'm concerned about your health." "So says the drunken bag of syphilis." "You need to get your anal glands expressed." "We've got to get you to the vet before they swell up" " and get infected." " I would love to, but I'm very busy right now with my cardio." "Denzel, did you know they have free liquor here?" "!" "♪ I drank so much ♪" "♪ I'm [bleep] up ♪" "♪ I got lobsters down my pants now ♪" ""Do you like to get freaky?"" ""Yeah."" "♪ lobster kiss ♪" "♪ lobster kiss ♪" "♪ lobster 69 ♪" "♪ lobster doggy style ♪" "♪ lobster ass to mouth ♪" "Your friend seems to be having some sort of ... fit." "Who, him?" "I don't know him." "I thought he was your friend." "[screams] [laughs]" " [belching] My bad." " That's it, Steve'!" "Get your drunk ass out of here and leave us alone." "So you're choosing them over me?" "You'd rather live like a king" "Instead of going to the mall and stealing pennies from [bleep] cancer kids?" "[gate creaks]" "Joke's on you." "I took my dinner to go." "Mmm, lobster takes like blood and teeth." "Man, I love my new friends." "Those country clubbers are cool as hell." "Oh, yeah, let's hear all about" "Denzel and his fancy new friends." "Did you tell them that they sicced attack dogs on me?" " They didn't." " Emotional attack dogs!" "The point is, I'm ready to accept your apology." "My apology?" "You're the one that got drunk and embarrassed me" " in front of my friends." " Friends?" "These guys just let you into their exclusive club, laugh at everything you say, and shower you with anything you want." "Don't you smell something fishy?" "Yeah, you still got lobsters in your pants, dumbass." "You leave Sebastian and Sandy Claws out of this." "Steve, you're just jealous because you can't make new friends." "I'll show you." "I can make new friends too, you know." " Hey, Malloy." " Get the [bleep] away from me." "All right." "Ethel, you want to hang out?" "Wish I could, but I have to go to the emergency room." "Yow!" "Oh, me." "I want to hang out." " All right, how about you?" " Oh, boy, oh, boy." "Come on, rabid possum." "[hisses]" "Oh." "[clattering]" " Oh." "Uh." "[tires screech] [yells]" "This is ridiculous." "What is the big deal about going to the vet?" "Fine, I'll tell you." "I hate going to the vet because the last time was a little uncomfortable." "This may be a little uncomfortable." "[yells]" "Hey, even though I'm clearly your last resort," "I'm glad we're hanging out." "I guess things went south between you and that possum?" "Yeah, he ran off with my pants lobsters." "Buck up, Steve." "You just need to get out there." "I know the perfect place." "[club music playing]" "Connie, this is a lesbian bar." " I feel weird being the only guy." " I promise we'll have fun." "Come on, I'll show you my regular spot." " This is your regular spot?" " Yeah, nobody ever talks to me, so I usually stand here all night and cry in my appletini." "#fridaynight." "How is this fun for you?" "Sometimes I'm mistaken for a coat rack." "Wee!" "Fun!" "Hi." "I've never seen you here before." " You must be new." " Yup, first time here." "Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy." "Someone's actually talking to us." "So, what do you, uh, ladies do for a living?" "All:" "Pro golfer." "Makes sense." "I'm a bit of a golfer myself." "Say, you're pretty bitchin'." "We should all hang out." "New friends, huh?" "Well, that was quick." "Guess Denzel was wrong." "[club music playing]" "By the way, I'm Leslie." "And that's Lydia and Collette." "Nice to meet you, Lezzie, Labia, and Clit." " What's your name?" " I'm Steve." "[music stops]" " They think you're a lesbian." " Um, Steve... a Longoria." "Steve-a Longoria." "I'm a lesbian." "Worst pub crawl ever." "Denzel, you are like a black Tiger Woods." "You should play with us at the Founder's day tournament." "With you on our team, it's a guaranteed win." "I'd love to." "[donkey brays] Konnichiwa." "My name is Pedro-san Lopez-stein." "I'm a Mexa-nese Jew-rican," "And I want to join your club, oy vey." "We're not accepting any new members right now." "Get him out of here." "Hey, stupid." "I can fulfill all your affirmative action needs in one swoop." "Please!" "Just give me one bite of that club sandwich, and I'll go down on every single one of you." "[donkey brays] [upbeat club music playing]" "[buzzing]" "Yeah!" "I want to sit next to Steve-a Longoria." " She's awesome." " Don't be a box blocker." "[both grunting]" "You guys are so much fun." " Bad news, guys." " What's wrong, Labia?" "We got turned down for the Founder's golf tournament at the country club again this year." "They said we're still technically women." "[all groan]" "Those snotty breeders treat women like second class citizens." "I'd love nothing more than to take them down." "We would crush those old bastards, especially this week." "I'm riding the cotton pony." "You really think we could win?" "All:" "Hell, yeah." "I think I may know a way to get us in the tournament." "[all chanting] Steve-a, Steve-a, Steve-a." "Yeah, let's bump our beef pies." "#sorrynotsorry." "Thanks for the tour, Steve-a." "You have such an exciting life." "It's even more exciting with cool best friends like you." "Can you believe someone thought I couldn't make new friends?" " What?" "You?" " That makes me irrationally angry." "All right, I got to get to work." "See you fish lickers later." "Oh, I didn't see you there, Denzel." "Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something?" "I'm on an important club conference call about breakfast wines." "I can't believe you're being so fake." "I'm being fake?" "You're a goddamn lesbian!" "You're just jealous that my new friends are better than your new friends." "Better at what, licking coochie?" "[flutters tongue] Y'all love that shit." " I'll bet we're better at golf." " Golf?" "My boys never lose." "I'll take that bet." "And just so happens, there's a tournament this weekend." "Oh, really?" "Huh." "There's a tournament this weekend?" "It's a shame women aren't allowed in." "Oh, I'll fix that." "These crackers do anything I ask." "There." "You in." " Now what's the bet?" " Simple." "If we win, you have to quit the club." "Quit the club?" "Well, I don't know." "You can't lose, right?" "Don't be a chicken pussy." "Steve, it's either chicken or pussy." "Pick one." " That's like Sophie's Choice for me." " All right, I'm in." "And when you lose, you have to tell the lesbians..." "that you're a man.." " I'm in." " Good luck, Steve-a." "Now you'll excuse me." "Super baby elephant, to the club!" "[elephant trumpets] [groaning]" "Good afternoon." "I'm Fred Norris, and this is Russ Rowland." "Welcome to this year's Founder's day golf tournament." "What do you think, Russ?" "I think if that hooker hadn't washed up on shore," "I'd still be working for the PGA." "All right." "Let's go down to the field." "Teeing off first is Collette from team Lesbian." "[wind rustles]" " Oh, shit." " Uh-oh." "Lesbians got game." "[dramatic music]" "This ain't exactly ghetto golf, is it, Steve-a?" "Welcome to the big leagues, bitch." "Come on, Steve-a Longoria." "You can do this." "[humming] [horn honking] [dramatic music]" "[cheers]" "Steve-a Longoria has sunk an 18-foot putt." "We are neck and neck going into the back nine." "I guess Lesbians really know their way around a hole." "I wish I'd put that hooker in a hole instead of that lake." "Hmm." "We'll be right back." "Good news, Malloy." "I found a vet with small hands." "He's a..." "holy shit." "Okay, I think it's time to go to the vet." "Oh, what changed your mind?" "When kids started using my ass as a bounce house." "I said take your shoes off." "[kids giggling]" "If these pricks think they can keep me out of their precious little club, oh, they better think again." "God!" "God damn it!" "You...you're going to make me" " the special club sandwich right now." " But, señor." " Make the sandwich, god damn it." " Si." "First I get the bread." "Come on." "Come on." "Hurry the [bleep] up!" "I got to get out of here before the tournament ends!" " Then I turn the twist tie." " Give me that!" "[groans]" "Just give me the goddamn recipe." "I'll make it myself. [groans softly]" "Bread, tomato, bacon, avocado, lettuce, mayo, and..." "A black man." "If people only knew that was the secret ingredient in our special club sandwich." "Oh, I do enjoy the dark meat." "It pairs nicely with a crisp chablis." "Holy shit, they're gonna eat Denzel." "[farts] Oh." "We are at the 18th hole, and the score is tied." "If Denzel makes this next putt, team Country Club will win and the match will be over." "My life was over after that hooker forgot her safe word." "Farewell, cruel world." "You're a [bleep] bitch." "[gunshot]" "And now more golf." " What the hell are you doing, Steve?" " Denzel, listen to me." "They're going to put you in the club." " I am in the club, dumbass." " No, the club sandwich." "I just heard your so-called friends say they're going to kill you and eat you." " You've got to get out of here!" " Man, you'll make up anything to win just so you can keep your new lesbian friends." "I care more about you than this stupid game or my new friends." "I'll prove it to you." "Attention, ladies." "I'm not really a lesbian." "I am a man." "[laughs]" "Oh, that's funny, Steve-a." "Tell that to those sweet tits of yours, huh?" " Okay, you asked for it." " Steve, don't." " Hey, nice clitoris." " What are you talking about?" "I'm a man." "I swear." "Steve-a Longoria, you're the best." "Here we are in the middle of a heated golf battle, and you raise our spirits with a well-timed vag flash." " Classic." " Well, I tried." "Do you believe me now, Denzel?" "Denzel?" "Help!" "Steve!" " I'm coming, Denzel!" " Steve-a, wait." "How's about you flip up your skirt and let us get another wink at that pink, huh?" "Steve, these clubbers are gonna eat me!" "Get me out of here!" "Let my friend go, you sick racist bastards." "How dare you call us racist." "We adore black people." " That's why we eat them." " Oh, yeah?" "Well, have you ever put a white man in a sandwich?" "Of course not." "Why can't a white man get in a sandwich?" " You're a bunch of reverse racists." " You honky hating honkies." " That's preposterous." " Prove it." "I demand a caucasian club." "[chanting] Caucasian club." "[all chanting] Caucasian club, caucasian club." "Shut up, you stupid [bleep]." "We are not breaking tradition." " Worst barbecue ever." " Looks like they burned him." "Oh, good job, Ethel." "Now I'm stuck." "Brace yourself." "One, two, three!" "[explosion] [sighs] I feel much better now." "Strangely enough, I kind of enjoyed that." "It's in..." "every... hole." "Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!" "Wonderful." "It's almost club sandwich time." "[rumbling]" "All:" "Ew!" "What the hell is this?" "It reeks of fish and feces." " Where is Denzel?" " I don't know." "Everyone looks the same." " Find him." " I'm Denzel." "I like old white women and sentences that rhyme." "There he is!" "Oh, wait..." "[groans]" "Oh, dear, it's Asher." "We killed him." "I guess it's caucasian club after all." "[chanting] Caucasian club..." " Steve, thanks for saving my life." " No problem, buddy." "And I'm glad you got new friends," " even if I can't be a part of it." " Says who?" "Girls, I'd like you to meet my friend." "Hi, I'm Denzella Fitzgerald." "Wee!" "[bleep] my life." "Holy crap, a special club sandwich. [chomps]" "God damn it." "It's dry." "[bleep] white meat." "Mr. Woody, time for dingaling tug tug." "Yeah, why the hell not." "[groans]"