"You know that pass under the bridge is one of my favorite spots in the city." "It was really romantic." "And I had no idea our infrastructure was so vulnerable to assault by submersibles." "Okay, uh..." "I don't know if I've told you yet, but you are really an excellent kisser." "Thanks!" "When I was little I used to practice on tomatoes." "Tomatoes?" "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "A tomato feels incredibly close to the human mouth and tongue." "It used to really bug my mom." "Apparently, you're supposed to buy them first." "So do you have to get up early tomorrow?" "Uh, yeah, I gotta open the record store." "Oh, okay." "Well, goodnight." "'Night." "Just to clarify, uh..." "When you asked if I had to get up early, were you inviting me to stay over?" "Because, see, I made this graph charting the most likely night for us to sleep together for the first time, and even given what you did to me in the back of that cab last week, which," "frankly, moved up the timetable quite a bit..." "The earliest I figured it could happen is... next Tuesday." "Aren't you the gentleman?" "And here I was ready to give it up under the bridge." "But Tuesday's fine." "Well, goodnight." "You gentle, gentle man." "Whoa!" "Sorry, ah, uh..." "I didn't expct you to be here." "I mean not that you don't have ever right to be here 'cause you do." "Marni told me how you came with the sublet, and the being the clown and the, you know, dying thing, uh..." "Uh..." "Anyway, in case you're wondering, yes, I slept here last night." "Which is great 'cause I didn't think it'd be 'til Tuesday." "Yeah, things are going pretty well with Marni, I think." "Um, you might have a different opinion, having known her longer." "So how do you think it's going with, uh... with me and Marni, I mean?" "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Excuse me?" "Clown." "You can't just toss off some vaguely anti-Semitic remark like that and just... walk away." "Well, it's just that your people have suffered so much." "It's the sorrow you carry in your eyes." "The Jews are always the hardest to make laugh." "See?" "Morning." "Hey, you're here!" "Good to see you." "You too." "You do remember last night, right?" "I sure do." "And thank you, by the way." "You're welcome." "Uh, you seem kinda, I don't know... surprised to see me." "Well, yeah." "I'm not really used to guys staying." "I don't know what it is, but they just don't stay very often." "Or ever." " Really?" " Nope." "They go." "It's always wham-bam, you got a clown in your closet, ma'am." "Uh, well, do you want me to go?" "No, not at all." " Do you wanna go?" " No." "God, no." "Do you want me to go?" "No." "Marni, I don't want anyone going anywhere." "I want us to spend the day together." "Me too." "So what we do first?" "I usually poop right after I wake up, but I can wait." "Well, uh..." "I usually read the paper." "Great." "One newspaper, coming up." "Hey, Marn." "I'm stealing your newspaper." "I don't care." "I'm just the nanny." "Because Nate... likes the paper... in the morning... after he's had sex with me... if you know what I mean." "Yeah, Marn, I think I do." "Guess what?" "He's still here." "Get out!" "It's so great." "No weirdness, no lame excuses about how he has to be somewhere else." "He just wants to be with me all day." "I have to go." "Oh." "O kay." "No, no, no, no." "I forgot I have to open the record store for Bowie, because I have his keys." "I thought you were supposed to be a genius." "I've slept with Kennedys who came up with better excuses than that." "It's not an excuse, okay?" "I don't wanna go." "I mean, after last night, why would I wanna go?" " I don't want you to go." " I don't wanna go." "I wanna go." "Gimme your keys." "I gotta drop off the kids downtown anyway." "It's their weekly 45 minute "play date" with Dr. Weingold." "Bowie, heads up!" "What?" "Your keys." "Catch." "What is wrong with you?" "Hey, stop!" "Hey!" "Stop, man!" "Hey!" "Stop!" "Oh, man!" "And that was a brother." "Even a brother won't stop for a brother." "That's why we can't get nowhere as a people." "Hope it's okay." "We just have to stop in here and take care of this one little thing." "And then what do you say we go on a picnic?" "Wow, a picnic?" "I've never done that before." "At my house, the closest we got to a picnic was scrounging for a lost Valium in the shag carpeting." "Hang on." "This'll just take a minute." "You must be Marni?" "That's right, Dad." "It's me." "Okay, you wanted a minute to explain why you abandoned our family 12 years ago?" "Why don't you also explain why you tried to kidnap us." "Or what you did with the cash from my college savings account." "Or maybe... you'd rather start with your other family." "How do you think I felt when I found out my prom date was my half brother?" "Well, go ahead." "I'm listening." "Oh, by the way, Dad..." "This is Nate." "Nate, Dad." "How's it going?" "Marni can I talk to you for a second?" "This is the "little thing" you had to take care of?" "Yeah, but don't worry." "I'll be quick." "That man's ruined my entire life." "I'm not gonna let him ruin our morning after." "Come on, Marni." "Didn't ruin your entire life." "36%." "That seems fair." "Yeah." "I have a large soy latte for" ""selfish, rotten, deadbeat dad who can choke on this for all I care."" "I have a large cappuccino for "sensitive, caring, generous lover... who totally rocked my world last night."" "And a small macchiato for..." "Lady, I get that you hate your dad, but I can't say this out loud." "So why did you call me, Dad?" "Why now?" "Well, Marn, I'll tell you." "There comes a point in a man's life." "For me, it was while I was watching CSI." "And I saw a corpse on there that looked just like you." "Or at least how I figured you'd look after you'd been in the water a few days." "And I got to thinking, I could die someday." "And I've never seen Asia." "So I'm off to Asia." "I see." "You do?" "Honestly, Marni, I really have been wondering how you've been doing the last 12 years." "So tell me everything." "Let's start from right after I said to you, "I'm gonna go get you some Rocky Road for your party." "I'll be right back."" "Sorry, I don't have time for that today." "Nate and I are going on a picnic, and you can't come." "It's just that it's my first one." "Otherwise, it'd be fine." "No." "Forget about him, Nate." "He certainly forgot all about his wife and children." "And other wife and other children." "Hey, I was a great father to that other family." "They wanted for nothing." "I bought other Marni a car at 16." ""Other Marni"?" "I like the name." "Plus, when you have two families, it eliminates slip-ups." "This one's locked too." "Damn it." "I don't know why you guys bother." "It's a used record store." "You afraid somebody's gonna break in and leave you more copies of REO Speedwagon?" "Big words from someone who wipes ass for a living." "What's the big deal?" "Scooch over." "Excuse me." "What's going on here?" "Oh, hello, Officer." "You see, I work here, and..." "Oh, really?" "You work here in the alley?" "Now, look, see, she lost my keys..." "Look, I'm not interested in what she's doing." "I'm interested in what you're doing." "I'm not doing anything." "Hey." " Trying to get..." " Best you just move along, pal." "All right, fine." "I'm going." "I'm going." "Hey, hey!" "Don't forget your bag." "U nbelievable." "You kick a door in in front of a cop and nothin' happens." "Ha!" "I used to want to be rich." "I used to want to be famous." "Now all I want to be is a pretty little white girl." "It's not because I'm white, or pretty." "Thank you, by the way." "It's the baby bag." "What?" "Everybody loves you when you got a baby bag." "Go ahead." "Try it." "Hell no." "I'm telling you, this thing is magic." "You can have an open beer in one hand and a tire iron covered in blood in the other, and all you're gonna get is smiles." "Go ahead." "Give it a try." "Damn." "This thing is heavy." "Where do you think I keep the beer?" "You know, if you pretty little white girls ever organize, you could make one hell of a gang." "What are you doing?" "Nothin'." "Nothin'." "Just remember, you kiss it, you buy it." "Hey, are you sure you're still in the mood to do this?" "Yes." "This is our day and our picnic and we're having it." "Oh, you getting some food for the picnic?" "I'll get the Rocky Road." "Better late than never, huh?" "Oh, my God." "Why are you here?" " Are you following us?" " Trying." "You guys are pretty fast." "I almost lost you." "Really." "Wonder what that was like." "Did you feel scared?" "Alone?" "Abandoned?" "No, it was just 30 seconds, and I saw you come in here." "Hey, Nate." "Nate." "I can't seem to get any traction with Marni." "Maybe you could put in a word, grease the wheels for me." "Marni just seems a little upset right now." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, let me tell you a little something about Marni." "Marni is..." "Okay, help me out here." "All I remember is she likes ponies." "Or was that another Marni?" "Must have been." "I bought her one." "Look, uh, speaking for my Marni, from what I picked up and from the fact that she's giving you the finger from behind the salsa right now," "I really don't think she's ready to reconnect with you right now." "Well, maybe it is too late." "Guess she isn't the little girl I vaguely remember." "You know, she didn't always hate me." "She used to love it when I'd sing this little bed-time song to her." "Oh, how'd it go again?" "Uh..." "It was on one Monday morning just about 1 pm" "When the great Titanic smashed into an icy rock" "Oh the people began to cry saying "Lord, we're all gog to die"" "It was sad when the great ship went down" " That was touching, but I..." " Oh, it was sad" "So sad" "It was sad" "Too bad" "It was sad when the great ship went down" " To the bottom of the..." " Marni." " Husbands and wives, little children lost their lives" " Deep" "It was sad when the great ship went down..." "Marni, people are starting to stare." "Okay." "Come here sister" "Papa's in the swing" "Ain't too hip" "About that new breed babe" "Ain't no drag" "Papa's got a brand-new bag" "See." "What'd I tell you?" "This thing is amazing." "You mind if I keep it till tomorrow?" "I want to apply for a home loan." "It's midnight, Cinderella." "I got to catch a cab." "Allow me." "Yo, taxi!" "Damn!" "All right, Tess." "See you later." "Bowie!" "Oh, my God." "Bowie, your keys." "They're in this cab!" "Catch!" "Drive." "Drive." "So when you told me you took Pepper out to live on a farm, you really had him put to sleep?" "Yeah." "That's not even the funniest part." "We got the whole dog years, human years thing all mixed up." "Turns out he was only two." "Listen, sweetie, I gotta go find the little boy's room." "I'll be right back." "Okay, Dad." "This is weird, huh?" "On so many levels." "Look, Marni, do you want to spend the rest of the day with your dad?" "Not that I'm skipping out on you." "But it just seems like... this is the kind of thing that maybe other people shouldn't see." "Oh, that is so sweet." "I don't know how to thank you." "But I'll think of something by Tuesday." "Maybe some sex if you know what I mean." "Richard?" "You got the wrong guy, buddy." "What are you doing?" "You're leaving." "You're abandoning Marni again?" "Okay, Nate, here's the thing." "I got a problem with intimacy." "And Marni likes to get a little too close." "You know what I mean?" "She called me dad." "It's very off-putting." "Oh, my God." "You are a terrible father." "I used to feel guilty about it." "And that's why I came." "But now that I see how well she turned out, I feel a lot better." "Goes to show you everybody says you gotta spend more time with your kids." "I think what we learned here is step back." "Oh, well, that's nice for you, but what about Marni, huh?" "I'm not going to let you do this to her." "If you can't walk back in there and finish what you started, you know what, you are a coward and you don't deserve to know her and you should run away." "Okay." "Whoa, whoa." "Hey, hey!" "I wasn't finished yet!" "I'm doing you a favor." "You're going to look like a prince next to me." "Um, excuse me." "Did you see a blond woman sitting here?" "I have a turkey on rye for "Sorry dad, I just couldn't deal, so I had to go." "But whenever I think of the Titanic sinking, I'll always smile."" "With mayo." "Never mind." " Hi." " Hi." "Wanna hear something awesome?" "I completely burned my dad." "That's right." "While he was in the bathroom, I left." "You did?" "Really." "Yeah." "I was sitting there waiting for him to come back." "And I started thinking, so now what?" "He's back in my life?" "And I started to get mad all over again." "And I thought... why am I sticking around?" "He'sust going to hurt me again." "So I left." "This time, I abandoned him." "And I got to tell you, it felt great." "Really really great." "Oh, I'm sorry." "This wasn't exactly the best morning after ever, was it?" "If it helps, I don't have anything to compare it to." "I don't usually stay." " Get out." " It's true." "There's always something, you know." "No fire extinguisher in the bedroom." "Left the water running while she brushed her teeth." "Incorrect usage of the word "literally."" "I mean, "I literally died"?" "She didn't." "It's wrong." "But today," "I didn't want to." "R eally?" "And that stuff with my dad didn't freak you out?" "Oh no." "No." "It absolutely did." "But hey, everybody's got stuff, right?" "Here, look." "I brought you something." "Parmesan cheese and cigarettes." "Aw, Nate." "I don't get it." "That's not my bag." "There's supposed to be Rocky Road in here." "I was going to be the guy who finally brought you Rocky Road." "What kind of gesture is cheese and cigarettes?" "Here, look." "Look." "I have a receipt right here." ""Rookie Rud." "Rookie Rud."" "Oh." "I will treasure this receipt always." ""Rookie Rud."" "And "coondums"?" "Uh, I went to my doctor." "He said I've got arthritis." "I said, I want a second opinion." "Oh, so the doctor says, "okay, you're ugly too."" "See, look." "I can laugh." "I don't understand." "I have arthritis." "Why is he making fun of me?" "There's nothing funny about arthritis."