"Would you believe it possible that the plot has now thickened?" "Herr Flick thinks the general and the colonel are planning to blow up Hitler." "Herr Flick can do nothing." "He has been imprisoned in the dungeon of the chateau, disguised as a woman." "If my hands are shaking, it is because Michelle of the Resistance, in a plan to blow up the general, placed a bomb in the wheelchair of my wife's mother." "Unfortunately, the attempt misfired... and my wife's mother survived." "She was last seen disappearing at very high speed, with a cloud of smoke coming from the bottom." "Of her wheelchair." "Oh, here comes Lieutenant Gruber." "This is the one that fancies me." " Good morning, Rene." " Good morning, Lieutenant." "Your usual?" "Later, thank you, Rene." "Rene, I have a problem regarding my sleeping arrangements." "Oh, yes?" "The colonel has ordered Captain Bertorelli to sleep with me." "Well, the Italians wanted to join the war." "They must accept the consequences." "The man is a peasant, Rene." "The moment his head touches the pillow, he is asleep." "How insensitive!" "Then his snoring keeps me awake all night." "Have you a spare room here?" "Oh, you would not want to sleep here, Lieutenant." "No, my wife snores, I snore, the girls snore." "Monsieur Leclerc makes terrible noises." "From midnight the whole place sounds like a sawmill." "No, not for me." "I meant a room for Captain Bertorelli." " Good morning, Lieutenant Gruber." " Uh..." "Edith." "The lieutenant wants the captain to come and sleep here." "The handsome Italian captain?" " Yes." "We have no room, have we?" " Of course we have." "He can sleep between Mimi and Yvette." "You French!" "Will I never understand you?" "No, she means the spare room between Mimi and Yvette." "Oh!" "Oh, good." "I will pay for his room." "Will you be visiting him often?" "The lieutenant is paying because he cannot stand the captain's snoring." "Ah!" "I blow in Rene's ear when I want him to stop." "Oh?" "I will remember that." "That is settled, then." "1 ,000 francs a night, eh?" "The woman prisoner Von Kinkenrotten is in here." "You have five minutes." "Ten." "That is the limit." "Herr Flick?" "Oh, it is terrible to find you in such an unusual position." "It is very painful." "I am taking notes." "is there anything I can do to relieve your situation?" "I cannot endure the pain in my legs." "Do you have any scissors?" "Yes." "But they will not cut chains." "They will cut my tight knicker elastic." "These finger trappers are killing me." "How could General Von Klinkerhoffen do this to an officer of the Gestapo?" "Since I am in disguise as a woman of the opposite sex and I have no papers, he is pretending he does not recognise me." "Be of good cheer, Herr Flick." "Your assistant, Von Smallhausen, has a plan." "This does not make me of good cheer." "He is a barbarian twit." "He is our only hope." "Herr Flick, may I kiss you?" "What?" "Kiss me?" "Chained to the wall and dressed in the underwear of a woman?" "Of course." "(off-key) ~ When skies are grey And you say you are blue" "~ l'll send the sun shining through" "~ l want to be happy But I can't be happy" "~ Till I make you happy too" "Mimi, when Madame Edith sings, always have ready a dustpan and brush." "Rene, psst!" "You are wanted in the back room." " Who wants me?" " l do!" "Oh, Rene!" "My whole body aches for you." " My lips ache for you." " Ooh!" " My arms ache for you!" " Ooooh!" " My bosoms ache for you." " Aah!" "My legs groan for you!" "How is your back?" "Oh, you must try to relax more, Yvette." "It is the tension from being so madly in love with me." "Oh, Rene!" "Do you not ache for me just a little bit?" "From time to time I do get a little bit stiff, but I put it down to age." "(knock at window)" " Oh!" " lt is urgent that I speak with you all." "I will get the others." "Monsieur Alfonse, what are you doing here?" "I brought this intrepid lady on the back of my small hearse with the small horse." "If she is discovered, you could be shot." "I know." "But it is worth it." " He does this for France." " And 300 francs a mile plus waiting time." " The flag is now down, mademoiselle." " (bell pings)" "Gather round." "Now listen very carefully." "I shall say this only once." "Just a minute." "Who is looking after the bar?" "Monsieur Leclerc." "I have the key to the till." "Listen very carefully." "I am sorry I am late." "I was serving the customer." "Listen very carefully." "I shall say this only once." "How am I supposed to give change if I do not have the key to the till?" " Oh, give it to him." " Bring it back!" "Oh, bring it back, bring it back!" "Now, you were saying, Michelle?" "Listen very carefully." "I shall say this only once." " (bell pings)" " You are now on double time." "If these interruptions continue, I shall not say it at all." "We are ready." " Now listen very carefully. I shall..." " (door opens)" "There is the key." "Now, if I get another big note I shall require it again." " Right, that is it!" "I am going." " (bell pings) 125 francs." "Come back." "What is it you are going to tell us?" "Only once." "We have a camera with which we will photograph the safe in the chateau, which contains plans for the invasion of England." "We will show these photographs to Monsieur Leclerc, the safe breaker, so that he may identify it and make plans to open the safe." "When he is confident, we will take him into the chateau and he will open it, and we will photograph the plans." "These photographs will be made into microphotographs which will be tied to the leg of a pigeon, supplied by the RAF, so that the photograph of the plans may be studied in London." "That all seems perfectly straightforward." "Was there anything else?" " (bell pings) - 225 francs." "We have a problem." "There is no film for the camera." "Well, that would be a problem, yeah." " Where are we to get the film?" " All film has been confiscated." "The colonel has a camera." "We must think of a way to steal from it the film." "I could pose for him in my scanty underwear." "Urgh!" "Madame Edith, I cannot allow the woman I love to expose herself in this manner." "Oh, dear Monsieur Alfonse, always he has respect for my feelings." "And the colonel's." "Always he is asking to photograph me wearing the flying helmet and brandishing the wet celery." "Why would the colonel want such a picture?" "Celery is in very short supply in Germany." "While you are distracting him, I will steal the film from the camera." " lt is a good plan." " Yes, and as usual, we have to do it." " Do you want my job?" " (bell pings) 500 francs, plus waiting time and service." "I could not afford the taxi." "General Von Klinkerhoffen." "I wish to speak to the colonel." "Announce me." "(squeaky voice) Yes, General." "General Erich von Klinkerhoffen." " Ah, General." " Heil Hitler." "Oh, yes, of course." "Heil Hitler." "My contacts in Berlin inform me that the Gestapo headquarters are aware of the disappearance of Herr Flick." "And consequently a big schtink is about to descend upon us." "We placed him in the dungeon of the chateau on your orders, General." "Hm." "Here are my further orders." "All documents concerning the arrest are to be destroyed." "You will disguise yourselves as members of the Resistance, and will assist Herr Flick to escape." "You will take him to a prearranged spot where you will be ambushed by my men and Herr Flick will die in a hail of bullets." "They will have orders not to shoot you." " ls that clear?" " How will they know not to shoot us?" "You will each wear a small cornflower in your hat." " How can we break into the dungeon?" " Steal your own tank." "Put grappling irons on the bars of the cell and rip them out." " Use your imagination." " Yes, Herr General." " That is all." "See to it." " Heil Hitler." "(sighs of relief)" "What do you think, Gruber?" "I think that sunflowers in our hats would have given us a better chance." "I have grave misgivings about the whole plan." "(car horn)" "~ Kiss me, my darling" "~ Be mine tonight" "~ Tomorrow will be too late" "~ Come, hold me tight... (bizarre accent) Good moaning." "You cannot pick your meter car outside this cofe." "Do not talk-a this way to me." "Me, I am Captain Bertorelli from conquering Italian army of Mussolini." "Missolooney does not cut any ice around here." "You must mauve along as querkly as pissible." "You, take-a my cases in-a the cafe." "Carry your own bogs." "You shut-a your face or I shoot-a your feet!" "Ah!" "lmitootion crocodil!" "Ah, Captain Alberto." "Oh, what a pleasure to entertain you in our humble establishment." "Let me show you to your bedroom." "Dear lady!" "First I must inspect-a the troops." "Then I inspect-a the room." "Then I inspect-a you." "Ooh, Captain!" "Then I inspect-a the books." "This-a place, it could make big money." "What-a you need behind you..." "is the right man." "Oh, Captain Alberto, what are you saying?" "I think-a you get-a the message, eh?" "(bell pings)" "Good moaning." "Good moaning." "These cusses belong to the wop captain." "Mimi, take them upstairs to the spare room." "Now, you were going to say?" "I have come to collect my bircycle." "What "bircycle"?" "The bircycle which produces the electrocity for the rudeo when you piddle in your wife's mother's bedroom." "Look, you cannot have your bircycle until we get new batteries." " Oh, Rene." " Excuse me." " What?" " We must stand by the radio." " London will be calling in two minutes." " We have to ask London to send a pigeon." "I have a business to run." "You go and send the message." " But what do I say?" " 'Allo, 'allo, this is Nighthawk Serving Girl." "Please send one carrier pigeon." "Yvette, make it six." "We can put the other five on the menu." "(knock at door)" "Fanny, my love!" "Ah, Roger." "The big romance from my foolish past." "What do you want?" "I have come to get the radio going." "Well, it is nice to know that you can get something going." "(squeaking)" "Roger, your knees!" "Oh!" "They sound terrible!" "I..." "I think the ball race has gone." "That as well?" "What is happening?" "I am trying to make enough juice to operate the radio." "But the bed knobs are only flickering." "We need more power." "You must pedal faster." "I know what to do." "What has happened?" "There was a flash and a bang and everything has gone dead." "It was ever so." "Psst!" "Rene!" " What is the matter?" " Sit. I don't wish to be overheard." "I do not wish to be seen in the square fraternising." "How would you like to be seen dead?" "I will fraternise." "I have seen Herr Flick." "He is close to cracking." "So?" "He may reveal that Lieutenant Gruber has been making the forgeries of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies by Van Clomp." "If Gruber is arrested, they have but to tickle him and he will implicate us all." "And the trail will lead to you, and you will be shot." "Thank you for warning me." "I will leave at once, on the bicycle which is in the bedroom of my wife's mother." " You will not get ten yards." " Why not?" "Because I can shoot ten yards." "Von Smallhausen has a plan which can save all our skins." "How does this affect me?" "Who else can masquerade as Heinrich Himmler, head of the Gestapo?" "Me?" "Look, I am smaller than Himmler, I am fatter than Himmler, I am younger than Himmler, I am balder than Himmler." "And I cannot speak German." "Do not nit-pick." "(English accent) Hello." "Phew!" "Uh..." "Dinner." " l think that's French for "dinner"." " Thanks very much, old bean." "Uh..." "Toodle-oo." "That's French for "goodbye"." "I say, Fairfax, how much longer do you think we're going to have to hide in these dustbins?" "They empty them every Thursday." "After then, we'll be on the tip." "At least we might get a change of clothes." " l'll see you after dinner." " Hang on." " Where is he?" " He is just trimming his moustache." "Rene, he is always so particular about his appearance." "Tell him to come quickly." "The square is clear." "Rene!" "Those are the glasses of my mother." "She wanted me to have the ear trumpet." "You look exactly like him." "If the Resistance see you they will shoot you, so keep your head down." "Get in the back. I will drive." " What do I do if anyone speaks to me?" " Hit them with your whip." "Do you wish me to sit on the left or the right?" "Gruber!" "Gruber!" "Good." "You look very sinister." "Thank you." "Colonel, should we not have papers?" "Just write "Gestapo" over your driving licence. ln an emergency, flash it." "I have to confess that despite the advantage of our disguises, and the bold daring of this ingenious plan of yours, I do have pangs of doubt." "And crawling earwigs in my tummy." "Would you prefer to be walking through the woods with a cornflower in your hat, hoping not to be shot?" "Just to be on the safe side." " Here, take your gun." " Yes." "What will the general say when he finds out that Herr Flick has not been shot?" "We will tell him that the Berlin Gestapo rescued him before we arrived." "Oh, it all sounds so simple, here in your nice, warm office." "Pull down your hat and follow me." "Gruber, I'm doing the limp." "Halt!" "Who goes there?" "Do you not recognise Heinrich Himmler, head of the Gestapo?" "I will phone and tell them you are here." "Mind your own business." "We want it to be a surprise." "It is a pleasure to be of assistance to Herr Himmler." "Thank you, Herr Himmler." "Do you think it wise to go in my little tank?" "Do you expect me to walk all the way to the chateau with a bad leg?" "What do you want?" "Herr Heinrich Himmler from Berlin wishes to inspect your prisoner, Frau Kinkenrotten." "Do you have any papers?" "It is my duty to ask for proof of identity." "Welcome, Herr Himmler." "We will require your keys." "Now go away." "Helga." "Von Smallhausen." "What are you doing here?" " l have a plan for your rescue, Herr Flick." " What kept you?" "And why is that French cafe owner dressed in that manner?" " He is impersonating Himmler." " He looks nothing like him." " What did I say?" " Quick, we must be leaving." " Von Smallhausen, give me your gun." " Yes, Herr Flick." " Take off your clothes." " l beg your pardon?" "Take off your clothes." "I usually find that when he is in this mood it is best to strip off and ask questions later." "This would appear to be a modification of my plan." "When the guard looks through the peephole, he will still see Frau Kinkenrotten chained to the wall." "Helga, avert your eyes." "And that goes for you, too." "Halt!" "Who goes there?" "Make way for the Gestapo." "Excuse me." "is it all right if we go into the dungeon?" "I am not coming out unless you promise not to hit me." "Gruber." " What do you want?" " Make way for the Gestapo." "We have just had in here your big cheese, Himmler." "Himmler?" "Come on, Gruber." "He has just left." "Did he take with him the woman prisoner?" "No, she is still in here." "Thank you." "Rene!" "What are you doing chained to the wall?" "You are the last person we expected to see." "Especially dressed like that." "Not that it doesn't suit you." "I have been double-crossed." "And your stockings are wrinkled." "Please, get me out of here." "Gruber, get the keys to the wrist irons." "Guard, do you have the keys to the wrist irons?" "I gave them to Herr Himmler." "He must have taken them with him." "This is terrible." "Herr Himmler has taken them." "It was Herr Flick, dressed as Himmler." "That was because I was dressed as Himmler." "You are full of surprises, Rene." "And you always told me you went to bed at midnight!" "The keys are in Helga's handbag." "Don't worry, Rene." "We will get them." "Would you like me to... stay with you, Rene?" "Uh..." "No, Lieutenant." "You are very kind." "You go with the colonel." "I will wait here with the guard." "On your way out shut the door." "These dungeons are very draughty." "I do not know where the wind is coming from." "I know where it is going to."