"(DRAMATIC MUSIC)" "Ronny Chieng;" "International Student 3x02 "Asian Rules Football" June 14, 2017" "DALE:" "You got it, you got it." "Come on!" "(BLOWS WHISTLE)" "All right, two days till we play the medical students, and I am not gonna lose to those arrogant, self-righteous stethoscope-wearing soft cocks for a third year running." "So this is Australian Rules football, huh?" "I guess." "DALE:" "Good God!" "If I see one more sloppy mark, miskick or poor handball," "I'll throw up!" "Why is Dale coaching?" "'Cause it makes him happy." "RONNY:" "Hey." "Hey, guys!" " Is Dale okay?" " Yeah, he's great." "He normally pukes way more than this." "It still leaves a bet... better taste in my mouth than this rubbish play." "(GROANS)" "Oh, my God, that guy just jumped off that other guy's face." " Is that legal?" " Yeah, it's a speccie." "It's one of the best parts of the game." "So you can just knee somebody in the face?" "You can do anything, if you mark the ball." "What's a mark?" "Honestly, what is anything that's going on?" "(LAUGHS) It's simple." " (WHISTLE BLOWS)" " There's a ball up." "The ruckman taps it to the rover, who drills it forward." "And when it spills from the pack, the pockets gather the crumbs and snap it through the goals." "Okay, so, kick the ball through the goal poles?" "Got it." "Between the big sticks is six points, between the small ones is one." "So you get rewarded for missing?" "Ooh!" "Free kick!" "He wasn't even holding the ball." "Holding the man!" "Free kick, Jacko." "What, that's a foul?" "How's that different to any of the other felony assaults we've been witnessing?" "You can't tackle someone if they're not holding the ball." "But they're holding the ball in their hands?" "You can kill them." "(BLOWS WHISTLE) Right, bring it in!" "Whoops." "Gotta go." "Doing great." "You lot have gotta pick your socks up." "Apart from Asher, that was absolutely pathetic work today." "Now give me five laps." "When Jacko wakes up, he can give me 10 for being soft." "Okay, so this has been fun, but I've got to go and do my stupid group assignment group." " Oh, man." "I hate group work so much." " I know." "Like, if I did this individually, I'd be done by now." "It's taken us days just to figure out a time to meet up." "And there's always some asshole who tries to lead the group, tells everybody what to do." "I know, right?" "I hate that guy!" "Okay." "Hey." "Hey!" "Everybody listen up." "This thing is due in a week so can we please decide on a time to meet up tomorrow?" "I'm completely fine with any time." " Okay. 4pm tomorrow?" " I can't do that." "Why don't you suggest a time, then, Tom?" "Any other time is perfectly fine, I promise." "Okay. 5pm?" "No, sorry." "Tom, I swear to God..." "GERARD:" "As a single parent," "I can only do 4am to 6am after the first feed, or 11pm to 1am after the last feed." "How the fuck are we supposed to get anything done if it takes us three hours just trying to decide a time to meet up?" "Can we avoid that sort of language in front of bubs?" "I don't want him picking that stuff up." "It's a baby." "It doesn't know anything." "Babies are more aware than most people think." "In fact, bubs is very advanced." "Oh, yeah?" "Then why doesn't your baby pick a time to meet up, then?" "Okay." "While you guys have been chit-chatting," "I emailed around a basic structure and introduction." "Is it the file called "Fuck this group assignment"?" "ELVIN:" "Yeah, that's the one." " It's actually pretty good." " Yeah, I know." "And I'm not going to let you fucking people pull my grades down even if I drag your dumb ass across the finishing line." "Hey!" "Watch the language in front of bubs." " (BABY GIGGLES)" " GERARD:" "Oh, good boy!" "Yo, fuck your baby, man." "Man, this group assignment is killing me." "Let's just divide it between us and get it done." "You guys complaining about the group assignment?" "My group sucks too." "Yeah, tell me about it." " What?" "You play chapteh?" " What?" "This?" "This is a jianzi." "Er, no, that's da cau." "It's like the national sport of Vietnam." "I didn't know people outside Malaysia played that." ""People outside Malaysia"?" "Who do you think invented it?" "China." "Do you guys play?" "(CHUCKLES) I don't know." "You tell me." "Check out the Asian feathery bullshit." "How many chickens did you roger to get this, Chieng?" "You want to play a real sport?" " Keep it." "I'm rich." " (LAUGHTER)" "Jesus." "I feel like Archimedes." "It's like I'm looking at the future." "Why are none of you people on my footy team?" "Maybe because we don't know anything about footy." "Speaking as the coach, I can tell you no one in the team knows how to play footy." "With all due respect, sir, even if we want to play the game, we're too busy right now with your group assignment." "The group assignment is just meant to teach you how to work in a team, and you can do that playing football for me." "So... what are you saying?" "I'm saying if you help me beat the medical students at football," "I'll give you an A for that group assignment." "Wait, you can do that?" "As a licensed professor, I can do whatever the hell I want." "Except, apparently, beat the medical faculty at football." "So what do you say?" "You in?" "Well, I mean, I don't know, but..." "STEPHANIE:" "Hey, guys!" "We've sent you three emails about possible meeting times." "Can you hurry up and get back to me?" "And again, watch the language in front of bubba-dub-dub." "RONNY AND ELVIN:" "Okay." "We're in." " Yep, I prefer that." " Me too." "You fucking beauty!" "(BLOWS WHISTLE)" "All right, Jacko's out with a severe case of softness." "His ribs were sticking out of his stomach." "Yeah." "Soft." "So we've got to rebuild the whole forward line." "(LAUGHS) So we're rebuilding it out of tissue paper?" "Shut up, Daniel." "We're only here because you suck at this." "Do you even know anything about football?" "Yeah, that you suck at it." "Okay, so how exactly are these blow-ins supposed to help us win?" "Like this." "You can't tackle a player who's not holding the ball." "This is gonna revolutionise the game." "Yeah, whatever." "Can we go now?" "Yeah, I'm starting to perspire." "RONNY:" "Oh, hey, did you tell the group that we're out?" "Yeah, I just sent an email saying, "Fuck you, we quit."" "Yeah, but do you think you were clear enough?" "I'm just glad I don't have to work with any of those idiots again." "Ah, fuck." "Guys, I got your email." "You're quitting the group?" "Yeah." "So, Dale gave us a special assignment to do, so we're out." "Sorry." "I know we haven't been the easiest group to work with, and, yes, you guys have done most of the heavy lifting..." "All the heavy lifting." "The truth is, you're much better at this than us, and even if you're not in the group, we could still really use your help." "Ooh." "I don't know, man." "I do." "No." "Please?" "Just come for 20 minutes and point us in the right direction." "And if you're not going to do it for us, at least do it for this little guy." "Damn it." "Do you use your baby as leverage for everything?" "Just please don't let him see his dad as a failure." "All right, fine, we'll help." " But just 20 minutes." " What?" "!" "I'm not going." "Man, for once in your life, can you just pretend to care about something other than yourself?" "And what do I get out of that?" "Look this baby in the eye and tell me you don't feel anything." "I feel nothing." "GERARD: (CUTESY VOICE) Please." "Please." "Please, Elvin." "Please." "Please." "Pretty please?" "Okay, man, just stop talking like that." "Your whole baby situation make me want to chop my dick off." "(CUTESY VOICE) Please don't chop your dick off, Mr Angry Asian Man." "What I just say?" "Yeah, okay, 20 minutes, and then we're out." "(DOOR CLOSES, LOCK CLICKS)" "Why are you locking the door?" "We're just making sure we all stay team players till our group assignment's finished." "Are you kidnapping us right now?" "Well, actually it's more like false imprisonment since there's a wilful detention in a..." "You don't just turn your back on a group assignment group that's been put together at random." "This is a sacred bond." "No, no." "You don't understand." "We have a very important football game to get to tomorrow morning." "Yeah, Professor Dale let us out of this goddamn group assignment so we can play the game." "Oh, I see." "So if I keep you here, then you miss the game and you have to join our group again." "Okay, look, at least let me tell the team that I might be a bit late for the game." "What are you doing with my phone?" "!" "Yo!" "That was a new generic brand phone." "Mobile phone radiation can be very harmful to an infant." "Hey, you don't have to smash mine." "Just give it back to me..." "Okay, let's just go." "I can't." "This fucking dick is using his baby as a human shield!" "What did I say about language?" "As a single parent, I..." "You are a terrible person." "I hope you die and your baby gets a new stepfather." " Yeah, your baby smell like shit." " Smells like shit." "If I die, I die teaching my kid an important life lesson." "What?" "Don't be afraid of getting your hands dirty." "And thanks for reminding me." "What have you got for me now, little fella?" "Huh?" " Oh!" " Ohhh!" "All right, all right!" "All right, we'll do it!" "We'll do it." "Can you please change the baby outside?" "It's very poor ventilation in here." "Where's Ronny and Elvin?" "I haven't seen them all morning." "Jesus." "JOY-ANNE:" "Declan!" "Declan!" "Excuse me." "Declan!" "Oi. (SIGHS)" "I was just wondering... do you deliberately choose the lamest law students every year or is it just that they're all this pathetic?" "It's good to see you too, Joanie." "It's Joy-Anne." "Oh, yeah." "I really hope you've got some good doctors for your nerds after we destroy them." "Oh, wait." "That's us." "Always wondered, Jolene, do you eat the hearts that you get out of them cadavers or do you only harvest meat from the living?" "I'm going to take this game, like I took your pathetic indifference." "And the house, and the car, and the dog." "I gave you that house." "And that car's a piece of shit anyway." "And the dog?" "Then I'm going to go for full custody of your balls." "With no visitation rights." "Ooh!" "Their team coach is your ex-wife?" "Some free advice, never marry your idol." "Okay." " Promise me, girl." " Okay, I promise!" "You were always a loser, Declan." "Suckers!" "(LAUGHS)" "You're a loser." "I don't think that's the correct use of the word 'vexed'." "Well, Stephanie, if you had all the answers, we wouldn't be here." "Excuse me for trying to help." "If you really want to help, get us some food." "There's a vending machine on the second level." "Go." "I don't know if I can leave." "Go now or I milk the laptop." "Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay." "It has the only copy of the assignment." "Okay." "But I'm taking the swipe card, so don't even think about trying to escape." "Okay, she's gone." "Let's kill the baby." "There's gotta be another way out of here." "WOMAN:" "There is." " Have you been here this whole time?" " I was here long before you got here." " Well, why didn't you help us sooner?" " I didn't know you needed help." "Group work always feels like a hostage situation." "I remember my first assignment." "It was 1998." "Okay, computer had only come out six months before..." "Sorry to interrupt but we have a very important footy game to get to, so can you just help us get out the room?" "You think it's tough now?" "You try organising a meeting before mobile phones and the internet." "If we wanted to contact each other, we had to write a paper note and leave it in our personal pigeon holes." "(WHISPERS) What's a pigeon hole?" "Okay, that's cool, but do you know how to get out of this room?" "Great." "Where do you get so many swipe cards?" "I'm a post-grad student." "And a bit of a klepto." "Yes!" "Thank you." "Hey, do you wanna come watch our football game?" "There's lots of fresh air and sunlight." "It's okay." "I'll just stay here and sink into the shadows." "Um... you know we can still see you?" "Elvin, let's go!" "I'm not letting these idiots take my work." "(SLAM!" ")" "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!" "After them!" "Shit!" "Where the hell are Ronny and Elvin?" "I've been trying to call them all morning and I can't even get a ring." "All right." "Er..." "Daniel, you go up forward and help Wei Jun." "When Ronny and Elvin get here, I'll send them up to take over." "After I kill them." "Sir, thank you so much." "I've really wanted to..." "Shut up, Daniel." "All right, everybody listen up." "We have lost this game every year for the past three years." "And I think we'd all agree, if we were honest, our form in training leading up to today has been poor at best." "We've lost two of our starting forwards." "Ex-wife has taken everything." "Our academic legal textbook magnum opus that we published wasn't received very well." "Now we're stuck teaching ungrateful know-it-all undergraduates." "Essentially... just... waiting around to die." "Go out there and give me everything you've got." "MICK:" "Yes, good afternoon, sports fans, and welcome to the uni oval." "I'm Mick Rosenberg and this is the annual undergrad game between the law faculty and the medical faculty." "And joining me in the commentary box is my American friend Craig Cooper." " Welcome, Craig." " Thanks for having me, Mick." "You ready for some Australian Rules football?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, we are." "Now, what do you think of the big news coming out of the law faculty that Ronny and Elvin will not be in the team?" "I think it's gonna come down to who wants it more." "I mean, if they can score more than they let in, they have a chance to win." "Yep, that'll do." " (SIREN BLARES)" " And they're off." " DALE:" "Oh, good work!" " JOY-ANNE:" "Move it down." " DALE:" "Follow it up!" " JOY-ANNE:" "Move it down!" "MICK:" "Whoa-ho!" "I have never seen that before." "Is this not normal play?" "By keeping the ball in the air with their feet, they can't legally be tackled." "MICK:" "Wei Jun kicks to Daniel now." "Oh, Daniel fumbles!" "The medical team recover and run away with it." " DALE:" "What in God's name was that?" "!" " MICK:" "And it's a goal!" "Oh!" "Oh, yes!" "I don't know what the law team are doing, but whatever it is, it is not working." "You useless bastard!" "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "MICK:" "Ball up." "To Asher now." "Will they try the same play again?" "But Wei Jun seems to have no one to kick to." "Are you unemployed?" "!" "Do some bloody work!" "JOY-ANNE:" "Come on!" "Oh!" "Oh, yes!" "Yes!" "Yes, yes, yes." "MICK:" "And it's another goal from the medical faculty." "And they are really starting to run away with this game, Craig Cooper." "Yeah." "It's a goddamn shit storm out there, Mick." "I don't know what they're doing." "If anyone knows where Ronny and Elvin are... get them!" "(DRAMATIC MUSIC)" "Fuck." "BABY:" "Fuck." "No." "Come on." "Go, go, go." "Let's go!" "(SIREN BLARES)" "MICK:" "At half time here at the uni oval, it is the law faculty 10 goals down." "And, oh, they are getting absolutely slaughtered out there." "You said it, Mick." "There's one, two, three, four goal posts to kick the ball through and the law team still can't get it done." "That's right, Craig Cooper." "And if they don't make some major changes," "I really don't see them turning things around here." "(VOMITS, COUGHS)" "(SPITS) Jesus." "What the hell is the matter with you people?" "Your execution's even worse than in training." "We can't execute the game plan if we're missing two key players." "Okay, fair enough." "All right, listen up." "Winning is about self-belief." "Each of you has got a little champion inside you." "Each of you is a winner." "But you've got to look inside yourselves and find that little champion, and you've got to believe in it." "If you believe in yourselves, you'll know that we don't need Ronny and Elvin to win this game." "Look inside yourselves." "Believe in yourselves and you can do anything." "Hey!" "Sorry we're late." "Thank Christ you're here!" "These losers are getting us killed." "CRAIG:" "The law team is first out here, and what's this?" "Looks like Ronny and Elvin are taking the field." "I think if Gary Ablett showed up with his son, it still wouldn't be enough to turn this score around." "Why?" "Were those guys no good?" "No." "They were the best to ever play, man." "Oh, like Jordan and Pippen?" "Was Pippen Jordan's son?" " No." " Then no." "(SIREN BLARES, WHISTLE BLOWS)" "MICK:" "Asher wins the ball now." "She goes forward." "She passes to Ronny..." " who kicks it in mid-air!" " What?" "!" " MICK:" "What was that?" "!" " (JOY-ANNE YELLS)" "Wait a minute." "Wei Jun's doing the same thing." "Now Elvin." " No, no, no, no." " DALE:" "You bloody..." " Goal!" " Beauty!" "(LAW TEAM CHEER)" "Go, you beautiful Asian children!" "Not legal!" "It's cheating!" " (LAW TEAM CHEER)" " MICK:" "Goal!" "Here we go, baby!" "(LAUGHS) You beauty!" "Poetry in motion!" "Music to my soul!" "They try that again, give them a compound fracture of the vastus intermedius of the right anterior femur!" "The law team is catching up." "That was special." "JOY-ANNE:" "I swear to God, if we don't win this game, there is going to be student-on-student catheter practice for the next week!" "And with just seconds remaining, the law faculty are down by just a solitary point." "If you score beyond the arc is that worth three points?" "No." "Because this is Australian Rules football." "MICK:" "Oh!" "Elvin goes down." "The ball spills to Ronny now, who picks it up with his hands for the first time in the game." "Can he kick it on the run, like a normal player?" "Kick it, Ronny." "Kick it!" "Kick it through the big sticks!" "Kick it." "Kick the ball." " Oh!" " Oh!" "Oh, no!" "He cracked under pressure, missed the kick." "MICK:" "But from out of nowhere," "Daniel controls the ball Asian style." " (SIREN BLARES)" " He scores a goal!" "Oh!" "Six points!" "Law win at the buzzer!" "Law win at the buzzer!" " Is that right?" " Yes!" " Yes!" " Finally!" "Yes!" "Go, Law!" "(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)" "And as the sun sets on this historic ground, we witness not a game, but a moment in history." "Not just for football, but for humanity." "A big thanks to the great man, my colleague, Craig Cooper." "Thank you for having me, Mick." "Pleasure is all mine." "I'm Mick Rosenberg and this is Australian Rules football." "So, what station were we broadcasting on?" "Oh, no, we're not broadcasting, mate." "The mics aren't even plugged in." "No, it's just... it's to boost morale." "Oh." "JOY-ANNE:" "You morons." "So, I send you out..." "Where the hell were you?" "Our group assignment group locked us in the study room because they thought we were abandoning them." "Man, I hate group assignments." "DALE:" "Ronny, did you not realise group assignments are not about the assignment?" "It's about learning to work with people you hate in a difficult situation and bonding through mutual adversity." "You've done your group assignment." "And you got an A..." " Oh." " Yay!" "Minus, because you missed the first half." " What?" "!" " But it wasn't even our fault." "(CLEARS THROAT) Um..." "I guess I owe you an apology." "Your Asian feathery bullshit wasn't so bad after all." "What are you doing?" "Get the fuck off me." "Here's the thing, after what I saw today, though," "I reckon you could play AFL." "AF what?" "The pros." "The big league." "Uh, thanks but no, thanks." "Ronny, it could be your ticket to a better life." " You've got nothing to lose." " Nothing to lose?" "Like, our parents pay for us to be here so we can get a better education so we can go back and get reputable professions and/or take over cushy family businesses." "We literally have everything to lose." "Yeah." "Let's go." "Thanks for the A minus." "I want you to remember this, lass." "What?" "The day the greatest forward line ever walked away from the game." "RONNY:" "Man, white people love protesting." "You've never felt injustice you had to stand up for?" "Is this a shop or where people dump their rotting food?" "Oh, my God, look, the fruit!" "Someone took a bite out of this." "I need this job." "How about I just cover your shift for a day?" "You're sure you can handle it?" "I need you to put this on and do some marketing." "That's a giant turd in a bag." "If you don't like it, you don't have to be here." "Oh, okay." "Great." "I'll just go, then." "Seeing as you're filling in for Asher, if you go, I guess that means she goes too." "So, how's your first day of work?" "You haven't been fired yet, right?" "Shit!"