"Hello." "Tonight on "Face the press" we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things." "On my left, is the Minister for Home Affairs... who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle, with matching pearls and a diamante collar necklace." "The shoes are in brushed pigskin with gold clasps, by Maxwell of Bond Street." "The hair is by Roger, and the whole ensemble is crowned by a spectacular display of Christmas orchids." "And on my right, putting the case against the government, is a small patch of brown liquid which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing." "Good evening." "Minister, may I put the first question to you?" "In your plan "A better Britain for us", you claim that you would build 88 000 million billion houses a year in the Greater London area alone." "In fact, you've built only 3 in the last 15 years." "Are you a bit disappointed with this result?" " No, no." "I'd like to answer this question, if I may, in two ways." "Firstly, in my normal voice, then in a kind of silly high-pitched whine." "Well, while the Minister is answering this question," "I'd just like to point out the minister's dress has been made entirely by hand from over 300 pieces of Arabian shot silk especially threaded for the Minister by Vargar's, of París." "The low slim-line has been cut off-the-shoulder to heighten the effect of the minister's fine bone structure." "Well I think the minister is coming to the end of his answer now so let's go back over and join the discussion Thank you very much, Minister." "Today saw the appointment of a new head of..." " Don't I say any more?" " No fear!" "Today saw the appointment of a new Head of Allied Bomber Command." "Air Chief Marshal sir Vincent 'Kill the Japs' Forster." "He's in our Birmingham studio..." "Hello Sailors!" "Listen, guess what." "The Minister of Aviation has made me head of the RAF Ola Pola." "Hello." "Mrs. Rogers?" "No!" "Ooh, I must be in the wrong house!" "So from now on we're going to do things my way." "For a start David Hockney is going to design the bombs." "And I've seen the plans..." "That must be the new gas cooker." " Morning!" "Mrs. G. Crump?" " No, Mrs. G. Pinnet." " This is 46 Egernon Crescent?" " No, Road!" "Egernon Road." "Road, yes, says here." "Yeah." "Right, could I speak to Mrs G. Crump please?" "There's nobody here of that name." "It's Mrs. G. Pinnet, 46 Egernon Road." " It says Crump here, don't it Harry?" " Yes, it's on the invoice." "Yes, definitively Crump." "Well there must have been a mistake, because the address is right, and that's definitely the cooker I ordered, a blue and white CookEasi" " Well you can't have this." "This is Crump." " Oh dear, what are we going to do?" "Well I don't know." "What we can do for you is take it back to the Depot, get a transfer slip from Crump to Pinnet, and put it on a special delivery." "Yeah, that's best." "We'll special it for you, we'll get it down there today and you'll get it back in 10 weeks." "Ten weeks!" "Blimey, can't you just leave this one?" " What, this ?" "What, leave it here?" " Yes." " Well I dunno." "I suppose we could." " She'd have to fill out a temporary dispatch note." " We could leave it on a temporary dispatch note." " Well that's sorted out then." "What a mess..." "I know, it's ridiculous really, but there you are." "Glad we could be of such a help." " Would you sign it down there please, Mrs Crump?" " Pinnet." "Listen, just for the books to make it a bit easier, could you sign it Crump-Pinnet?" "Right." "Thank you very much, dear." "The cooker's yours." "Sorry about the bother, but there you are..." "You know... cheerio!" "Hey, excuse me!" "Cooey!" " Er, can you put it in the kitchen?" " You what?" "Well I can't cook on it unless it's connected up" "We didn't realize you had an installation invoice" " An MI." " No, we can't touch it without an MI, you see." " Or a R16." " If it's a special." " No, it's not special." "Special's back at the Depot." " No, the special's the same as installation invoice." " So it's an R16." " What is an installation invoice?" " A pink form from Reading." " We wondered what that was." "Now these are the forms." "That's the one, love." "This should be all I need Hang on." "This is for Pinnet." "Mrs G. Pinnet." " That's right, I'm Mrs. G. Pinnet." " Well we've got Crump-Pinnet on the invoice." " Shall I sign it Crump-Pinnet then?" " No no no, not an MI., no!" " No - that's from Area Service at Reading." " No, Cheltenham isn't it?" " No, not this side of the street." " Look, I just want it connected up!" " What about London Office?" " Well they haven't got the machinery." " Not now." " What!" "The Hounslow Depot?" " No, they're still on standard pressure." " Same with Twickenham." " Surely you can connect up a gas cooker." " Oh yeah, we could connect it up, love, but not unless it's an emergency." " But this is an emergency!" " No it's not." "An emergency is 290... 'where there is actual or apparent loss of combustible gaseous substances'." " Yes, like a leak." " Yes, or a 478." " No, that's valve adjustment." "But there can't be a leak unless you've connected it up!" " No, quite, we'd have to turn it on." " Can't you turn it on and connect it up?" "No." "What we can do, this is between you and me, I shouldn't really be telling you this, we'll turn your gas on, make a hole in your pipe, you ring Hounslow emergency, they'll be around here in a couple of days." "What, a house full of gas!" "I'll be dead by then." "Oh well, in that case you'd have the South East Area Manager round here like a shot." "Yes. 'One or more persons overcome by fumes', you'd have Head Office, Holbom, round here." " Really?" " Yes, that's murder you see." " Or a suicide." " No, that's S42." "Still, I thought it was Hainault." "No, Central area and Southall Marketing Division, they're both on the S42 now." " And they'd be able to connect it up?" " Oh, they'd do the lot for you, love." " And they'd come round this afternoon?" " Well what is it now... 11:30..." " Murder... they'll be round here by two." " Oh well that's wonderful." "Oh well, right love, if you'd like to lie down here." " Ok, Harry." " Ok, gas on." "Right, deep breaths, love." "Ring Head Office would you Norman..." " Shall I go through maintenance?" "You'd better go through Deptford maintenance" " Peckham's on a 207..." " That's Lewisham." "What about Tottenham?" " Good morning." " Morning sir, can I help you?" " Help me?" "Yes, I'd say you can help me." " Yes, sir?" "I came by your advert: "Small white pussy cat for sale." "Excellent condition."" " Ah, you wish to buy it?" " That's right." "Just for the hour." "Only I aint gonna pay more'n a fiver cos' it aint worth it." "Well it's come from a very good home, it's house trained." ""Chester drawers."" " I'd like some Chester drawers, please." " Yes, sir." " Does it go?" " It's over there, in the corner." ""Pram for sale." "Any offers."" " I'd like a bit of pram, please." " Yes, sir." "That's in good coondition." "Oh good I like them in good condition." "Yes, here it is you see." ""Baby-sitter." No, it's a baby-sitter..." "I don't want a baby-sitter." ""Be a blood donor", that's it." "I'd like to give some blood please." "Oh, spit, which one is it?" ""Blond prostitute will indulge in any sexual activity for four quid a week"." "What does that mean?" " The Times, please." " Oh yes sir, here you are." "Good morning." "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but my walk has become rather sillier recently so it takes me rather longer to get to work." " Now then, what was it again?" " Well sir, I have a silly walk... and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it." "I see, may I see your silly walk?" "Yes certainly, yes." " Err that's it, is it?" " Yes that's it, yes." "It's not particulary silly, is it?" "I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step." "Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly." "Mr Pudey, the very real problem is one of money." "I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs." "You see there's Defense, Social Security, Health, Housing, Education, Silly Walks ..." "They're all supposed to get the same." "But last year, the Government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on National Defence." "Now we get £348 million a year, which is supposed to be spent on all our available products." " Coffee?" " Yes, please." " Mrs Twolumps, would you bring us 2 coffees please?" " Yes, Mr Teebag." "Out of her mind." "Now the Japanese have a man who can bend his leg back over his head and back again with every single step." "While the Israelis... ah, here's the coffee." "Thank you - lovely." " You're really interested in silly walks, aren't you?" " Oh rather, yes." "Well take a look at this, then." "Mr Pudey, I'm not going to mince words with you." "I'm going to offer you a Research Fellowship on the Anglo-French silly walk." "La Marche Futile?" "Bonjour... et maintenant..." "comme d'habitude, au sujet du Le Marché Commun" "Et maintenant, je vous presente, encore une fois mon ami, le pouf célèbre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique." "Merci, mon petit chou-chou Brian Trubshawe." "Et maintenant avec le pied de droite, avec le pied de gauche, et maintenant I'Anglais-Française Marche Futile, et voilà!" "And now, a choice of viewing on BBC television." "Just started on BBC2, the semi-final of episode 3 of "Kierkegaard's Journals"" "starring Richard Chamberlain, Peggy Mount and Billy Bremner." "And on BBC1, "Ethel the frog"." "Good evening." "On "Ethel the Frog" tonight we look at violence." "The violence of British Gangland." "Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers," "Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal history were sentenced to 400 years inprisonment for crimes of violence" "Tonight Ethel the Frog examines the rise to power of the Piranhas... the methods they used to subjugate rival gangs... and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant Superintendent" "Harry "Snapper" Organs of Q Division." "Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in this house in Kipling Road the eldest sons in a family of sixteen." "Their father, Arthur Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster... was well known to the Police and a devout Catholic." "In January 1928, he had married Kitty Malone... an up-and-coming East End boxer." "Doug was born in february 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later..." "And again a week after that." "Their next-door neighbour was Mrs April Simnel." "Kipling Road was a typical sort of East End street." "People running out of each other's houses with each other's property all day long." " They were a cheering lot though." " Was it a terribly violent area?" "Oh..." "Yes, cheerful and violent." "I remember Doug was very keen on boxing, until he learned to walk..." "Then he took up putting the boot in the groin;" "oh he was very interested in that." "His mother used to have such trouble getting him to come in for his tea." "He'd be out here, putting his little boot in, you know..." "Bless him." "Kids were very different then, they didn't have their heads filled with all this cartesian dualism." "At the age of 15, Doug  Dinsdale started attending the Ernest Pythagoras Primary School in Clerkenwell." "You taught the Piranha brothers English." "What do you remember most about them?" "Anthony Viney." "When the Piranhas left school, they were called up but they were found by an Army Board to be too mentally unstable even for National Service." "Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their country they began to operate what they called "The Operation"." "They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up... if he paid them the so-called "protection" money." "Four months later, they started another operation which they called "The Other Operation"." "They selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them." "One month later, they hit upon the "Other Other Operation"." "In this the victim was threatened if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up." "This, for the Piranha brothers, was the turning point." "Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang which they called "The Gang"... and used terror to take over night clubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos and race tracks." "When they tried to take over the MCC, they were, for the only time in their lifes, slit up a treat." "As their empire spread however, we in Q Division were keeping tabs on their every move... by reading the color supplements." "A small time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis." "Well one day I was sitting at home threatening the kids..." "I look out through the hole in the wall and I saw this tank driver." "One of Dinsdale's boys gets out." "He comes up all nice and friendly-like and says Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me." "So he chains me to the back of the tank, and takes me for a scrape round at Dinsdale's.." "And Dinsdale's there, in a conversation pit with Doug... and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers... and a man they call Kierkegaard, who just sat there biting the heads of whippets" "and Dinsdale says, "You've been a naughty boy, Clement."" "And he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off, and pulls my liver out." "And I say "my name's not Clement."" "And..." "Then he loses his temper and nails my head to the floor." " He nailed your head to the floor?" " At first, yeah." "Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O'Tracey." "Stig, I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor." "No, no, never, never." "He was a smashing bloke." "He used to give his mother flowers and that." "He was like a brother to me." "But the Police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor." " Oh yeah, well - he did that, yes." " Why?" "Well he had to, didn't he?" "I mean..." "Be fair, there was nothing else he could do." " I had transgressed the unwritten law." " What had you done?" "He never told me that." "But he gave me his word that it was the case and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy." "I mean he didn't want to nail my head to the floor, I had to insist." "He wanted to let me off." "There's nothing Dinsdale woulnd't do for you." " And you don't bear him any grudge?" " A grudge!" "Old Dinsy?" "He was a real darling." "I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table." " Isn't that right Mrs. O'Tracey?" " Oh no, no, no." "Yeah well, he did do that, yes." "He was a cruel man..." "But fair." "Vince, after he nailed your head to the floor, did you ever seen him again?" "Yes, after that I used to go round to his flat every Sunday lunchtime to apologize." "And we'd shake hands, and then he'd nail my head to the floor." " Every Sunday?" " Yes, but he was very reasonable about it." "I mean one Sunday, when my parents were coming round for tea" "I asked him if he minded very much not nailing my head to the floor that week." "And he agreed, and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand." "The only friend I ever had." "I wouldn't hear a word against him." "Lovely fellow." "Clearly, Dinsdale inspired tremendous loyalty and terror amongst his business associates." "But what was he really like?" "I walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions and found him a most charming and erudite companion." "He was wont to introduce one to many eminent persons." "celebrated American singers, members of the aristocracy and other gang-leaders." " How had you met then?" " Through his work for charity." "He took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs, Sailors' Homes," "Choristers' Associations, Scouting Jamborees and of course the Household Cavalry." " Was there anything unusual about him?" " I should say not!" "Dinsdale was a perfecty normal person in every way..." "Except in as much as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog which he reffered to as "Spiny Norman"." "How big was Norman supposed to be?" "Normally he was wont to be about 12 feet from nose to tail... but when Dinsdale was very depressed..." "Norman could be anything up to 800 yards long." "When Norman was about, Dinsdale would go very quiet... his nose would swell up and his teeth would start moving about and he'd become very violent and claimed that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin." "Dinsdale was a gentleman." "What's more, he knew how to treat a female impersonator." "It's easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly." "After all, he only did what most of us simply dream of doing." "I'm sorry." "After all, a murder is only an extroverted suicide." "Dinsdale was a looney, but he was a happy looney." "Lucky bastard!" "Most of these strange tales concern Dinsdale, but what of Doug?" "One man who met him was Luigi Vercotti." "I'd been running a succesful escort agency high class, no really, high class girls..." "We didn't have any of that, that was right out." "And I decided..." "Excuse me." "Hello?" "No, not now." "Shtoom... shtoom..." "Right, we'll have the "watch" ready for you at midnight." "The watch..." "The Chinese watch." "Yes, right oh, bye bye..." "Mother." "Anyway I decided then to open a high class night club for the gentry at Biggleswade with international cuisine, cooking, top-line acts, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts, that was right out, I deny that completely." "And one night Dinsdale walked in with a couple of big lads one of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile." "They said I had bought one of their fruit machines and would I pay for it." " How much did they want?" " 3/4 of a million pounds." " Then they went out." " Why didn't you call for the police?" "I'd noticed that the lad with the thermonuclear device was the Chief Constable for the area." "Anyway, a week later they came back, said that the cheque had bounced and that I had to see..." "Doug." "Doug." "Well, I was terrified of him." "Everyone was terrified of Doug." "I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Doug." " Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug." " What did he do?" "He used... sarcasm." "He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, pathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire." "By a combination of violence and sarcasm, the Piranha brothers, by February 1966, controlled London and the Southeast." "In February, though, Dinsdale made a big mistake" "Latterly Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman." "He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport." "And so on Feb 22nd 1966, at Luton Airport..." "Even the police began to sit up and take notice." "The Piranhas realised they had gone too far and that the hunt was on." "They went into hiding and I decided on a subtle approach, viz. some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots were a bit of a giveaway." "Luckily my years with Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises." "I tracked them to Cardiff, posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret." "Hearing they'd gone back to London, I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats." "On my arrival in London, I discovered they had returned to Cardiff." "I followed as Gloucester from King Lear." "Acting on a hunch, I spent several months in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew, returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty, in Toad of Toad Hall." "Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in Man of la Mancha, which the Bristol Evening Post described as 'a glittering performance of rare perception', although the Bath Chronicle was less than enthusiastic." "In fact it gave me a right panning." "I quote:" "'as for the performance of Superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Welsh accent and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs.'" "'Sancho Panza (Mr Organs) spoilt an otherwise- impeccably choreographed rape scene by his unscheduled appearance- and persistent cries of "What's all this then?"'" "Never mind, Snapper, love, you can't win 'em all" "True, constable." "Could I have my eye-liner, please?" " Telegram for you, love." " Good-oh." "Bet it's from Binky." "Those flowers are for Sgt. Lauderdale from the gentleman waiting outside." " 30 seconds, Superintendent." " Oh blimey, I'm on." " Is me hat straight, constable?" " Oh, it's fine." " Right, here we go, Hawkins." " Oh, merde, Superintendent." "Good luck, then." "Read all about it." "Piranha brothers escape." "Dinsdale?" "Dinsdale?" "Dinsdale?" "Well, that's all for now." "And so until next week..."