"# I couldn't hear nobody pray" "# If I couldn't hear nobody pray On the mountain" "# I couldn't hear nobody pray In the valleys" "# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #" "SHE HUMS TUNE" "What are you listening to?" "Joan?" "What are you listening to?" "What are you listening to?" "Oh, this and that, you know, music from my life." "Just after the war." "Do you know Dizzy Gillespie?" "Yeah, yeah." "I met one of his trombonists." "He was a wonderful man." "Oh, what a talent." "One night, he took me back to his room at the Savoy." "Oh, we talked all night about jazz and the war." "We smoked American cigarettes, we drank Champagne and then he ravished me on the sofa." "Oh, it was lovely." "Come on, come and dance with me." "Here, listen, listen, listen, got it?" "Yes." "Can I put these down?" "Yeah." "Hold on." "Now, here." "SHE HUMS TO THE MUSIC" "If you like it, I'll burn you a copy." "Yes, I would like that, thank you." "You're a lovely mover, aren't you?" "Thank you very much." "HE LAUGHS" "# Standing here by my side. #" "OUT OF TUNE NOTES" "I wish this was a more musical church." "Here we've got no choir, a broken organ, a CD player from a car boot sale." "I need to find something inspiring for our Dedication Festival at the end of the year." "Something transcendent." "As we worship, so we live." "I imagine I'll have a large choir in my church." "We must keep in touch when we're both vicars." "I didn't know you'd put yourself up for ordination training." "Nearly a year ago." "Your predecessor was always very encouraging." "Always saying things like," ""You really should go and get your own parish."" "He'd have written me a glowing reference." "As I'm sure you will." "Yes." "I can't decide whether I'd prefer a nice rural Cotswolds parish, or a church on Piccadilly or in Knightsbridge." "Nigel, are you sure you want to be a priest?" "One of the things I realised on that Towards Ordained Ministry course was how much better I'd be than all the other people there." "Yes, I'd be careful about saying that." "I shouldn't say that?" "The Bishops Advisory Panel will be very wary about anyone who's got certainty about being called to God." "It's frowned upon to seek preferment." "It's good to be doubtful." "Quite right, good point." ""Be doubtful"." "Yeah, do... don't write it down." "Don't you ever fancy advancement, Adam?" "Nice cathedral job?" "Becoming a little Bishop?" "Or a big Canon?" "HE LAUGHS" "Never really been interested in any of that." "I joined the church to become a parish priest in a church like this." "Oh, I see how to do the doubtful, humble thing." "You're, you're very good at it." "No, that's what I think." "Superb. it's very convincing." "It's the truth." "I've no interest in being a Dean or a Bishop." "Brilliant." "You'll be Archbishop at this rate." "SQUAWK!" "SMS ALERT" "Oh, hello." "Nigel wants to get ordained, would you believe it." "I'll have to fill out one of those endless reference forms for him." "Will you?" "Oh, dear." "You're home very early." "Where are you going?" "Shropshire." "Oh, I've got that Facing the Future seminar tomorrow night." "A few drinks afterwards with Bishop Peter." "Where are you going?" "I'm going away for the weekend." "Are you?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I've done it again, I keep doing this, don't I?" "What?" "You tell me things and I don't take them in." "I don't listen." "I had no idea you were away this weekend." "No, I didn't tell you this." "Oh, it isn't something I didn't listen to?" "No, I've only just decided to go." "Where are you going?" "I just told you." "Yes, you said Shuff..." "Shropshire." "With Lisa and Sue and Maria and Howard." "They're doing a walking weekend." "Climbing Rodney's Pillar and I said I'd join them." "Oh." "When are you back?" "I don't know, Adam." "Alex, what's the matter?" "I just want to reassess life, for a moment." "I haven't seen you one night this week." "If you've got no time for me, how will you have time for a family?" "You said you'd give up drinking and smoking." "I have." "What's this, then?" "CAR HORN BEEPS That's Howard." "I've got to go." "Alex." "I think you think God will just provide us with a child if we're lucky." "If we deserve it." "I'm afraid it's not good enough for me." "Do you want to have a child with me, Adam?" "Yes, of course I do." "Really?" "Well, why don't you have a think about it?" "While I think about whether I want to have one with you." "DOORBELL RINGS" "You a 12-inch animal feast?" "Yes, thank you. it's £8.99, isn't it?" "I'll just see if I've got the change." "Don't worry about that, Vicarage." "Colin, you got a job?" "Yeah, it's great." "I started yesterday." "I get £5.93 an hour and a pizza for lunch plus a medium soft drink." "HE LAUGHS I get free pizza for ever more." "CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS" "This music's a bit boring for church." "You don't like it?" "You want something uplifting, you should play AC/DC's Let's Get It Up." "# Let's get it up hah, hah, hah, hah. #" "Now, that's uplifting." "It sounds uplifting." "Did you bring my salad?" "You wanted that?" "DISPATCH RADIO SOUNDS" "Roger, roger, roger, roger." "En route." "I'm sorry that you're eating pizza on your own, and that Alex has left you." "What?" "No, she hasn't left me." "I know what that feels like." "Women, eh?" "No, she's just in Shropshire on a walking holiday." "She is, Colin." "She's climbing Rodney's Pillar." "Is she?" "Who with?" "With her friends," "Lisa, Sue, Marie and Howard." "Howard, Howard?" "Who's this Howard when he's not licking out four birds in a tent?" "Oh, shut up!" "I'm trying to help." "Forget climbing Rodney's Pillar." "She'll be mounting Howard's cock." "Oh!" "Right now, probably." "I mean, don't you see what this is, mate?" "This is a cry for attention." "That's what women do all day." "Well, that's not the case here." "I'd better get off." "These people ordered an hour ago." "DOORBELL RINGS" "Oh, who's that now?" "I hear Alex is away." "I know you're a terrible cook, darling." "Well, he won't want that, he's just had my pizza." "No, YOU'VE just had my pizza." "Yeah, yeah, roger, roger." "En route." "Let me heat up my fufu for you, darling." "CD STICKS" "MUSIC JUMPS" "# He who would valiant be" "# 'Gainst all disaster" "# Let him in constancy" "# Follow the Master" "# There's no discouragement... #" "These two need milk, Archdeacon." "Oh, please, call me Robert." "It's nice of you to help Adoha with the coffee today, Archdeacon." "I'm happy to help." "Please call me Robert." "Would you like some more frothy milk in that, dear Adam?" "No, that's fine." "Is everything all right?" "Yes." "A little tired from five days of fasting, perhaps." "But I find one comes to God best through subtraction." "Someone need milk, Bob." "These coffees are lovely, Adoha." "How do you do it?" "It's just instant." "HE LAUGHS" "Are you going to the General Synod next week, Robert?" "Oh, no, that's nothing but a distraction." "I never go." "You went last time, didn't you?" "Did I?" "Oh, yes." "In body, not in spirit." "Archdeacon, are you aware there's a vacancy for the Bishop of Stevenage at the moment?" "Oh, no, no." "Is there?" "You would be an exceptional Bishop, Archdeacon." "I wouldn't, Nigel, no." "That's very kind of you but Nolo Episcopari." "I'd be unwilling to be a Bishop." "I hunger to communicate the Gospel to the widest possible audience, of course, but I fear my soul is unprepared for such a role." "Even if God were considering me for such a position, which I'm sure he's not." "I see what you mean about the humble thing." "He's better at it than you." "If God isn't considering you for it, the appointments Board might be." "I'm sure not." "Tart, anyone?" "Oh." "No." "Thank you." "He won't become Bishop." "He's been on preferment lists for ten years, but he never gets close because of his horrible personality." "Maybe they want a Bishop with a horrible personality, for once?" "Instead of the spineless drips who normally get it?" "How's Alex?" "Oh, yeah, she's good, thanks." "Yeah." "Good." "We said we might meet up this weekend, but her phone's off." "Yeah, it's terrible reception where she's gone." "Far away." "For the weekend." "We like to spend the weekend apart every now and then." "Uh-oh, he's coming." "..I hope she's OK." "Nigel, I'm delighted to hear you've put yourself forward for ordination training." "Yes, what do you think my chances are?" "Pretty solid, I imagine?" "Um..." "How do you think Nigel could help his application, Robert?" "Oh, perhaps working with teenagers?" "You could visit your local authority youth drop-in centre, hang out with the kids, learn about their problems." "I love teenagers with problems." "Sweet." "I don't just see myself as a theologian and preacher." "Do you know who his DDO interview is with, Robert?" "Yes, it's with me." "I'm standing in." "Did you hear that, Nigel?" "Your DDO interview is with Robert?" "Oh." "Oh, great." "My interview's with you, is it?" "That's good news, isn't it?" "Can't linger." "Must get off to mop the loos in the palliative care unit." "CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS" "'Hi, this is Alex Smallbone." "Please leave a message after the tone.'" "Oh, hi. it's, er, me." "How are you?" "I'm still trying to finish Nigel's reference form, would you believe?" "That's all I've been doing all day." "They're difficult, these bloody forms." "I actually don't know what to write." "If I put the truth in, Nigel doesn't stand a chance and he'll be devastated and angry and..." "Maybe I should lie and say he's amazing but..." "No, I think I'll..." "I'll tell the truth but" "I'll accentuate the positive." "Anyway." "Er, I miss you." "Do you miss me?" "Hope so." "DOOR OPENS" "Do you want my profiteroles now, darling?" "Er, yes thanks..." "Thank you, thanks." "(I'm just on the phone.)" "That's um, Adoha with my pudding." "Um..." "She's..." "She's round lots." "Which is fine." "It's great, in fact, it's great." "Puddings, and the house has never been so clean." "HE LAUGHS" "Anyway, er, I hope you're having a nice time with Howard and everyone." "Bye-bye..." "Nye." "VACUUM CLEANER STARTS" "Have you finished my reference yet?" "Not yet." "If I don't get selected, I'll be blaming you!" "I'm going to help out at the homeless centre this afternoon." "Maybe clean some clothes for them." "Then, I thought I might pop in to the youth drop-in." "Offer them some solace about the job market." "Don't over-egg it, Nigel." "Look who it is." "Let's go and tell him about all the pastoral things I'm doing today." "No, let's not." "I quite like this one." "I don't." "Yes, I don't like it." "Hello, Archdeacon." "Hello." "What are you doing here?" "We were just walking past." "Spotted you." "Hello." "Hello." "I'm just on my way to the Homeless Centre, to wash the needy." "Oh." "This is my friend Richard." "Hello, I'm Nigel." "Hello, Nigel." "This is Adam Smallbone, one of my priests in the Diocese." "Oh, yes, hello." "Hello." "Although, if you're about to start shopping in here," "I think it's time we reviewed your stipend!" "Are you going to buy that bed, then?" "No, no, um, no." "We should be heading off." "I don't want to keep Heston Blumenthal waiting." "You know how minty he gets if we mess up his timing." "So, why don't you say goodbye to your... um... friends, Bobby, and I'll see you in the car." "Very nice to meet you." "Well, goodbye, then." "Let's imagine, just for the sake of argument, that there was a scenario in which I was being considered for an Episcopal position." "I wouldn't want it, and I sincerely doubt I am, but let's imagine I am." "Right, I'm imagining." "My concern is that if certain elements within the church happened to hear about certain aspects of my private life, they might be open to misinterpretation." "For instance, to choose one example." "You met my friend Richard?" "He seems very nice." "So handsome." "Yes, I would hate for that... friendship to be misinterpreted by anyone." "Church law very clearly says that being gay is no bar to the Bishopric." "So long as it's a celibate relationship." "Both you and I know the church isn't ready for an openly gay Bishop." "Would you like me to keep quiet about your friendship with Richard so that it can't be misinterpreted?" "Thank you." "Nothing I'd like more than to see you become Bishop of Swanage." "Stevenage." "Or Stevenage." "I should head back." "Um, is there anywhere I can drop you?" "What do you think the Archdeacon is going to ask me?" "He'll certainly want to talk to you about your personal relationships." "Well, I'm ready for that one." "Question number fourteen on the form." "Who might sustain you in your future ministry?" "I just put, my dear mum and girlfriend Cherry." "Two people's enough, isn't it?" "Your girlfriend Cherry?" "Yes." "You have a girlfriend called Cherry?" "Yeah, that's a good answer, isn't it?" "It's just that you've never mentioned her before." "I'm sure I have." "I do like to keep my private life private." "Tell me about Cherry." "What's she like?" "What's she like?" "She's gorgeous, is what she's like." "A real honey." "A real honey babe." "Lovely legs, great personality too." "She's gluten-intolerant but you can get special pasta for that now." "Blonde hair." "Five foot, six and a half inches." "Big breasts." "I'm a very lucky man." "# I talk to God as much as I talk to Satan cos" "# I want to hear both sides... #" "# Let's get it up... #" "CHORAL MUSIC" "I feel the most enormous doubt and uncertainty about whether I should be a priest." "I feel inadequate." "While simultaneously also knowing that I have all the qualities, let's call them gifts, required to be one." "You said that twice now." "Um, just looking at your section on weaknesses here." "Perfectionism, is that really a weakness?" "Well, I think it could be." "If I spent so long perfecting the theology of my sermons that it kept me away from all the other things I love doing, like washing the homeless and chatting to disenfranchised kids." "I've been resisting this call, and resisting." "I'm like Moses that way." "Who's Cherry?" "I couldn't work out whether she's a person or pet." "Cherry is my girlfriend." "I see." "'Dear Lord, is my marriage falling apart?" "Is that what you want?" "'Because I couldn't bear that." "I couldn't survive that." "'Who's being demanding, here?" "Me?" "Her?" "'Or you, because you want my entire dedication?" "'Please don't make me choose between you and her, Lord." "'Oh, well." "Better get this done." "'Hm." "Hm." "'Hmm.'" "No, it's been absolutely lovely to spend some time with you, Nigel." "And, while I glean that you have a strong sense of call," "I think it may lie in other directions than the priesthood." "So, unfortunately, I can't recommend to the Bishop that you go to the BAP at this stage." "But thank you so much." "Talking of lovers, how's Richard?" "That said, I'm always wary of being the one to make the final decision as to whether a person's called by God." "I think you should go to the BAP and see how you fare." "CUTLERY CLANKING" "And here is your spaghetti Bolognese." "Lovely." "That looks lovely." "You don't want to make a mess on your shirt." "Do you want cheese on top?" "Um, no thanks." "Hello, Alex." "Hello, Adoha." "It's really lovely to see you in my home, with my husband." "Did you have a lovely time?" "Yeah." "It was nice to be away." "Oh, I bought you some fudge." "Oh, thank you." "I didn't get you anything." "But, um, I did do one thing I think you'll like." "I went and did a sperm test." "Presumably to see if I'm fertile." "Er, 54 million per millilitre." "Which is just 10 percent less than the national average." "Be still, my beating heart." "Thank you." "I missed you." "I missed waking up with you." "Oh, I thought you were enjoying waking up next to Howard?" "Howard?" "Are you joking?" "Didn't he go away with you for a reason?" "Yeah, cos he likes rambling." "You're not having... an affair with him?" "No!" "Howard's a very nice man." "And he has an extensive collection of Ordnance Survey maps." "But he's a bit boring." "In fact, he's one of the most boring men I know and I know lots of clergymen." "HE CHUCKLES" "I love you." "The baby thing made me go a bit potty." "So, let's just agree that we don't need one." "I don't want to be a Bishop at all, but if God is calling me to it, then it would be obnoxious of me to resist." "And, on the plus side, I do love Stevenage and its people." "One final question." "Are you involved in an active gay relationship?" "SPEECH MUFFLED" "I'm gonna firebomb their shop..." "Some cab driver knocked me off me bike." "Take your ears out!" "So I chucked three Hawaiians at his windscreen, he rings the shop and the wank stain sided with him, not me." "That job was me last chance." "That was how I was gonna sort me life out." "And now it's over!" "We can find you another job." "I don't want another job!" "Why's Nigel up on the roof?" "What are you doing, you twat?" "Nigel." "I got my letter." "From the Bishops Advisory Panel?" "How can they say that I wouldn't be a good priest?" "How can they say that?" "They don't know." "How can they say that they know what God wants?" "How dare they pretend that?" "You won't feel this now but, I bet in time you'll be relieved you haven't been accepted for ordination because..." "God wants you to do other things." "I want to be a priest." "That's all I want." "Those bastards are telling me that it's not who I am, but that's who I am." "I'm sorry, Nigel." "If I can't do what I want to do, then what do I do?" "Many are called, few are chosen." "Come on, would you let me buy you a drink?" "Come on." "What did you say in my reference?" "Did you give me a bad reference?" "No, no." "Did you say that I was boring?" "I bet you said that I was boring." "No, I was very positive." "I said that you were unfailingly punctual and organised." "Boring." "I said that you had a, a, a detailed knowledge and love of scripture and theological studies." "What is the best thing that you said about me?" "That you were brilliant at working alone." "Was that the question on teamwork?" "I can't remember exactly which question." "It's a long form." "You fucked me." "You know that I would be a much better priest than you." "That's the tragedy here." "I've brought some flowers for your church." "Oh, that's very kind and... quite unusual." "I'm not arranging them for you though, that's s step too far." "Hello, Archdeacon." "I didn't see you there." "I just came in to think." "Is something bothering you?" "Not really." "I saw the Crown Nominations Committee today." "I told them that I'm in an active gay relationship with a man that I love more than words." "I think that probably means that I'll never be a Bishop, don't you?" "I think that probably does." "I was just reflecting on the fact that... that's OK, really." "What were you about to play?" "Something my friend Joan gave me." "MUSIC STARTS" "# Anytime" "# Things go wrong" "# Baby, we'll still get along" "# Cos we have each other" "# And our love will see us through" "# If some tears" "# Come our way" "# If the sun" "# Skips a day" "# We still have" "# Each other" "# And our love" "# Will see us through" "# Cos we have" "# Each other" "# And our love will see us through. #"