"APPLAUSE Ohh!" "bonsoir." "mesdames et messieurs!" "Et bienvenue a QI." "as we should properly call it. la belle France." "Phill Jupitus!" "Hugh Dennis!" "Jo Brand!" "And Babar the Elephant." "CHEERING" "s'il vous plait." "Phill goes..." "PLAYS "La Marseillaise" "Hugo va..." "Hugo?" "D'accord." "# Boum-boum!" "Boum-boum!" "# Boum-boum-boum brrrrrrr boum!" "# rien de rien... #" "I have plenty!" "je ne regrette rien... #" "And Alan goes..." "# Je t'aime... #" "Alan." "Can I take my onions off now?" "You can." "They are slightly restricting mon tete." "Yeah." "Of course." "Ma tete - feminine." "Minus five." "LAUGHTER" "I said "mon" because I am masculine." "It doesn't quite work that way." "mon vagina"?" "doesn't it?" "Funny looking mountain." "I was climbing Mon Vagina." "Many have." "And many have fallen off." "mes copains." "je vous donne des bonus points si vous pouvez repondre en francais." "OK?" "# Boum-boum!" "#" "Oui." "Very good!" "Already a bonus point for Hugh." "# Rien de rien... #" "Non." "comment ca va?" "Er..." "LAUGHTER" "That is fluent." "voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" "pas demi!" "Not half!" "Excellent!" "Quatre points! un mot pour un mammifere marin" "qui ne peut avaler aucun plus grand qu'un pamplemousse?" "LAUGHTER" "What's a pamplemousse?" "Ask the audience." "What is a pamplemousse?" "It's French porn." "It's like grapefruit." "Like grapefruit." "Do I?" "For six years you have yearned for the answer to a question to be..." "The blue whale." "That is the answer!" "Oh!" "I've asked you to name a marine mammal that couldn't swallow anything bigger than a grapefruit." "Right." "And that is a blue whale." "You could have had such pleasure and joy." "Never mind." "Here are some Frenchmen." "What are they looking for in the swamp?" "I think." "really quickly there?" "The sea is not far." "south of Bordeaux." "Je pense qu'ils cherchent mouchoirs." "They're looking for a handkerchief?" "Yes." "but I don't know any other French words." "the first three letters are correct." "Handjob?" "no." "You said "mouchoirs"." "And it's mou..." "Moutons." "Moutons is right!" "Sheep." "They are shepherds." "they are not!" "Are all the sheep on stilts as well?" "Is there a French programme called One Man And His Stilts? plus a stick to make himself a tripod to stand still." "000-square-mile area." "They see their sheep better." "And they negotiate this boggy terrain brilliantly." "They carried on doing this up to the 20th century." "When the pole got stuck right up their arse." "They were delighted when somebody invented the Land Rover." "I don't know if any French shepherds might be watching - get dogs." "don't get me started!" "on..." "Massive stilts!" "..18-foot stilts!" "Towering over bigger dogs." "Yeah!" "At last!" "There was a famous shepherd who walked to Paris then walked to Moscow in 58 days in his stilts." "What a remarkable man(!" ") Wasn't he?" "In 58 days?" "!" "58 days to Moscow." "830 of your puny English miles." "Now you can go to Les Landes and see them dancing in their stilts." "It's a tourist attraction." "They used stilts to herd their huge flocks in country that was too rough and boggy to have tracks." "What did French country people do in the winter?" "WOMAN CACKLES" "Nurse!" "Nurse!" "She's out of bed again!" "# Rien de rien... # Jo?" "I'd like to quote a man that I met in the Aran Islands just off Galway." "Fishing and BLEEP!" "So is that possible?" "You'd have to find a lady who was wearing stilts." "That is a major problem." "Or a lady in a first-floor window." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Wow." "Are you tempted?" "the bastard shepherds!" "a lot of French country people but it is for humans." "Hibernate." "Yes. go back to sleep." "Did they have to go in a cardboard box with a lot of straw?" "had a look. "Not ready yet."" "They didn't hibernate as such - they were students?" "Excellent." "that's true." "They all cram together... "Lorraine Kelly's on!" "Quick!" "Get up!" "isn't it?" "You spend six months of the year on stilts and the rest asleep." "pas de problem!" "French peasants used to hibernate in rural France until well into the 19th century." "What were 80% of French people unable to do in 1880?" "as it were." "Write. 80% of them didn't read in..." "French." "Exactly." "That's odd." "80% of French people did not speak French." "It was not the majority language of France." "but languages." "they spoke sheep." "Yes." "A stilted version of it." "Baa?" "Meh!" "Very good." "Breton..." "Occitane's what you put on spots." "There is something called that!" "It used to be a language in an acne-ridden area of France." "Basque - they were some of the major languages." "Completely unrelated to French." "This is a map of the linguistic areas of France here. was only spoken by 20%." "Where did they speak Flemish?" "Up near the Belgian border." "What's the difference between a Belgian kiss and a French kiss?" "Go on." "A Belgian kiss has more phlegm." "Hey!" "very good." "most French people couldn't speak French." "only about 1 in 5 residents were fluent in French." "has only a quarter as many words as English but sometimes they get it wrong and lost in translation." "s'il vous plait." "What means "un people"?" "Look at that typical English person!" "We in no way conform to stereotypes here on QI." "Arthur Daley." "That's not a Frenchman!" ""I've got two fingers for you 'ere!" "Look at that BLEEP hat over there!" "BLEEP!" "He isn't French!" "The white polo neck's French." "He's dropped his fag and hasn't even noticed." "Do you know..." ""I smell burneeng!"" "I wouldn't be surprised if he had a cigarette..." "An invisible one." "..but it's been photoshopped out as the British public aren't allowed to see cigarettes now." "The only advert I would do is for fags." "you know." "That's a very fine slogan." "It's a gamble." "Listen to sweary Bob." ""She's BLEEP right!" "They photoshopped this BLEEP out!" "Oi!" "Hattie over there ain't BLEEP smoking!" "We do." "It's BLEEP lovely!" "please." "OK..." "Let's at least get someone with onions in." "We're no closer to "les people"." "the in crowd." "happening..." "Something even worse than that." "What is our obsession?" "Celebrities." "Celebrities are "les people"!" "merde." "What is "un brushing"?" "Un brushing?" "Un brushing." "but does involve the headal area." "Cut your hair?" "Someone would do it to you in a salon." "Lick your hair!" "LAUGHTER" "Somebody licks your hair in a salon?" "I pay for it!" "Fair enough." "I'll give you 40 quid to lick it." "Ohhhh!" "Ohhhh!" "It"." "For 50 quid we'll get a cow to come in and lick it." "please!" "Enough already." "My legs." "Blow dry." "Blow dry?" "Un brushing is a blow dry." "And what is un relooking?" "A blowjob." "No." "Is it a double take?" "I may say." "A repeat." "Not a repeat." "Another thing that was very popular." "it's much more logical." "It's weird." "It's..." "A reinterpretation of something?" "right." "OK." "A makeover is a relooking." "Is it?" "Un relooking is a makeover." "Un relooking extreme!" "Yeah." "How does the Academie Francaise allow this?" "It doesn't." "but they are used all the time." "surely." "vaselin-ay?" "dear." "No." "Vaselin-ay?" "That's like the two Spanish firemen." "Hose A and Hose B." "A Spanish joke." "Very good." "To butter someone up." "Yes!" "butter someone up." "Excellent." "Now what are the symptoms of Paris Syndrome?" "It exists." "Paris Syndrome." "LAUGHTER knight's move thinking and an inability to crochet?" "No. cosmopolitan elan and savoir faire." "And they arrive in Paris and almost everything the French do is something that Japanese people find very difficult." "plus they have to walk miles with jetlag and they suffer from Paris Syndrome." "An average of 12 people a year have to be expensively repatriated to Japan." "There is a 24-hour helpline in the Japanese Embassy in Paris offence to their sensibility of Paris." "Extraordinary." "Isn't that fabulous?" "It is." "I think it reflects well on the Japanese." "I definitely had that when I went there." "Miserable bastard." "you'll be traumatised by the French medical system." "they give you a suppository." "You're quite right." "It's their answer for everything." "Yeah." "So Paris Syndrome is an extreme form of culture shock." "Now Napoleon once said an army marches on its stomach." "Why would you want a Frenchman by your side in a fight?" "I'll give you five points if you know who that is." "Andre the Giant." "It is." "You're absolutely right." "A well-known wrestler." "Yeah." "And starred in an excellent film... but not real points." "Excellent." "Which is his normal body colour?" "He's going to a party at Judith Chalmers' house in one and in the other he's going round the Smurfs'." "We use him as an example of a French soldier." "Why is a French soldier a good person by your side?" "yes." "Despite their reputation for being cowards..." "Always losing. 43. lost 49 and drawn 10." "Stephen?" "That's pretty good." "Put the glasses back on." "Yes." "Now people flicking over to the channel may think they are seeing a Benny Hill retrospective... viewers!" "There's a touch of that." "If only Henry McGee was on tonight!" "We are speaking with Mr Fred Scuttle... sir!" "I have been hosting quizzes... for some 20 years." "sir!" "We miss him dearly." "The world needs Benny." "What did Groundskeeper Willie famously call them?" "Cheese-eating surrender monkeys." "Yes." "Despite that reputation... Did you mean French military defeats?" "Extremely unkind." "They've had a bad recent record. but then we got the cane out of the cupboard and gave him a damn good thrashing." "APPLAUSE les jeux sont faits." "Rien ne va plus." "Nous sommes arrives at le point in the show where the TGV of savoir-faire hits the brick mur of je ne sais quoi avec la ronde qui s'appelle General Ignorance." "Fingers on buzzers." "What did the Romans like to wear?" "The Romans." "Togas." "sandals." "they did not like wearing them." "What?" "They were huge and unwieldy." ""I'm sick of this thing!" "Augustus had to pass a law making Romans wear them in the forum." "But they were huge things." "They were vast and very hard to put on." "You had to keep your left arm up so it didn't slip off you." "That is a toga." "That semi-circle..." "What?" "!" "That mandarin slice is a toga next to a human being." "A great semi-circle of material." "It's a man windsurfing." "We had a toga party at my house in 1982." "And I'm sure you used much more convenient togas." "Sheets." "Exactly." "Duvet covers with a hole in!" "My friend Danny had a pink sheet with Pontin's Holidays on it!" "How stylish!" "He did not get off with anybody." "I laughed all night." "Did they have different tog ratings of toga?" "Big old Romans..." "The toga pulla was a dark toga and a toga picta was patterned." "And the toga candida." "Candida is Latin for white." "from which we get..." "Candidate." "Candidate." "Points!" "Definitely a point or two for that." "Why do racing cyclists shave their legs?" "I hesitate to say for aerodynamic purposes... but still said it." "That's what they do in Breaking Away." "You've done the Tour de France." "I've done a leg of it." "I believed it was for the reason Alan said." "I don't want the buzzer." "Is it a sweat thing?" "Not quite that." "There's an odd series of reasons." "There's no aerodynamic advantage." "And they know that because they have scientists." "Swimmers have a 2% advantage by shaving in water. they have their calves massaged an enormous amount..." "And look far better in stockings." "you're right." "Personal aesthetic considerations." "It's part of le look." "Austrian cyclist Rene Haselbacher had his shorts ripped off in the 2003 Tour and it emerged that he shaved the whole area." "Rather a Brazilian." "But still designer stubble." "How odd is that?" "Shaved from neck to toe." "It's a shame it doesn't make any difference." "It was my excuse for going five hours slower than the guy who won." "an amateur stage." "000 of us." "000 of us left." "400th place." "000 people overtook you?" "!" "I was passed..." "by a thousand people!" "And it took me nine hours to catch up the bloke with one leg." "Ohhh!" "LAUGHTER" "Hugh." "Absolutely wonderful." "Why do Spaniards lisp when they speak?" "and everyone copied him." "HOOTER they'd lisp all the time." "but that's considered bumpkinish." "It's just a story that's got around and isn't true." "Do you know that story about Arnold Schwarzenegger?" ""Can I dub it back into German" "No." Because he's Austrian and sounds like a farmer." "COUNTRY ACCENT:" "Now where's John Connor?" "baby!"" "What a thought." ""Oi want your jacket." "It has nothing to do with sucking up to the King. no different from the curious Northern British pronunciation of bath and grass." "what did they call the man who won the Battle of Hastings?" "Harold." "didn't he?" "Yes." "William..." "The Conqueror." "HOOTER No." "We call him William the Conqueror." "What did they call him?" "William Le Conqueror." "The fact is the word William didn't exist at all as a name at the time of the conquest." "William the Bastard." "That's how he was known by the French." "It wasn't rude to call him that." "The bloke on the left appears to be riding a llama." "And he's got a parrot." "A random pirate has arrived in the middle!" "I've arrived on a busy day here in Hastings." "Who's doing the embroidery?" "Get my good side! it's Wil 6 Elm." "Normanno." "I like that." "Is that like medieval text speak?" "They never put the whole thing in." "We've invaded Britain. lol" LAUGHTER" "O..." "M..." "G!" "Very good." "So..." "They have indeed." "That's basically the point." "All the Saxon names disappear within 50 years of the invasion." "Earwigs and Ethelreds and those names." "They became Hugo and Robert and Richard and William." "William - one in every seven men in England was called William within 50 years of the conquest." "ladies and gentlemen." "s'il vous plait." "I have the scores in front of me." "well." "We have an outright winner." "it's Hugh Dennis!" "Alors!" "it's Jo Brand!" "Not bad for a girl." "it's Phill Jupitus!" "minus trente-neuf - minus 39 - Alan Davies!" "well." "adieu." "Phill and Alan." "I leave you with the perfect French-baiting headline from the Daily Telegraph of 1929." "maintenant." "Merci." "Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2009" "Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk"