" Let me help you out, Pop." " Never mind." "I'll do it myself." "Why did we go on that long ride?" "That sure was dumb." "Yeah, but I thought you'd enjoy a nice ride on a Sunday afternoon at the beach." "How about the air out there?" "It stunk." " What are you talking about?" " Seaweed, garbage and dead fish." "Yeah, but what about the ocean view?" "I saw what I smelled." "Garbage, seaweed and dead fish." "Let me get the door for you, Pop." "I bet we missed a good movie on television fooling around." "They show good movies on Sunday afternoons." "Let me see here." "I knew it." "See what we missed?" "Dagora, the Space Monster, with Yosuke Natsuki... and Yoki Fujiyama." " Who are they?" " They'reJapanese actors." "What did you think they were, a couple of motorcycles?" "I bet it was a good one too." "Look at this." ""Creatures from outer space start a wave... of international jewel robberies. "" "You know, I think that was the one where the monster eats all the Tiffany stores." " And we missed it." " I'm sorry, Pop." "Make yourself comfortable." "Take off your shoes, and I'll bring you some slippers." "And I'll go get you a drink." "Listen, you don't have to be nice to me." "You already ruined my Sunday afternoon with that long ride... in that pickup truck with no shock absorbers." "I don't need no slippers." "For where you give me a pain..." "I need a rubber seat cushion." "Here you go, Pop." "Have a beer... and I'm gonna tell you why I took you out to the beach." "You remember all those nice homes that we passed... that looked like rich, private homes?" " Mm-hmm." " Well, they're not." "Just take a look at these, Pop." ""The Garden of Eden Retirement Hotel. "" ""The Silver Swan for Senior Citizens. "" ""The Pink Panther Patio Home for the Aged. "" "Say, these are old folks' homes." "I ain't interested in nothing like that." "Yeah, but there's a lot of people your age living in 'em, Pop." "They can be fun places to live in." "Yeah, a lot of fun." "Curtis Hicks's father was in one, and he told me just what they're like." "What did he tell you?" "He said that when they lock you up at night... if you bang on the door and try to escape... they send a 300-pound nurse around there to sit on you... until you're unconscious." "Pop, that's just a bunch of nonsense." "And he said the food was so bad... the oatmeal was so runny he had to suck it through a straw." "And the stealing." "The stealing that goes on." "It's horrible." "He said that one night a guy sneaks into his room... and stole his false teeth out of the glass." "And the next morning, he met him in the hall... and he smiled at him with his own teeth." "Pop, those are just a bunch of ridiculous stories." "Well, listen, why are you interested in those places for anyway?" "Well, I've given this a lot of thought, Pop... and I'm really thinking about you." "This is the hardest decision that I ever had to make." "Pop, I want you to go into one of them homes." "What?" "Me?" "Yeah." "See, I'm gonna be going away soon..." " Going away?" " And I can't leave you here alone." "Going away where?" "Well, now, I thought about this for a long time... and I'm gonna feel a lot better if I know you're in a place... where they're gonna take real good care of you." "Never mind the speech." "Where are you going?" "I'm going around the world on a tramp steamer." "Going where?" "I'm going around the world on a tramp steamer." " I never heard nothing so funny in my..." " What's so funny?" "You going around the world in a tramp steamer." "Listen, I remember one time I rented a boat for an hour... and had to come back in 15 minutes because you was barfing." "Pop, I was just a little kid then, full of cotton candy and soda pop." "Listen, where you get this idea to go around the world with a tramp?" "A tramp steamer." "See, I read this ad in a magazine, Pop... and I started thinking to myself, I'm not getting any younger." "One of these days I'll be an old man, and what have I done, where have I been?" "You've been to Disneyland." "I'm talking about travel, adventure, Pop." "I want to visit jungles, deserts, mountaintops." "Well, they got that at Disneyland." "See, you just ain't been on all the rides." "Now, I'm serious about this, and you're joking." "Pop, I want to hear strange languages... and see some strange people." "You want to see some strange people?" "Then go to St. Louis and look up your mother's people." "Do you want to hear about this or don't you?" "I don't care if I hear about it or not." "Don't be bothering me." "See, Pop, the ad said that you can work your way, and it takes about a year." "Now, listen to some of this stuff that you can do." "It says, "You can be stretched out on some tropical beach... eating exotic fruits." "You can be pearl fishing in a coral sea." "Ivory transporting up the coast of Africa." "Whale hunting off Antarctica. "" "Shipwrecked off Catalina." "That's just about as far as you'd get." "Say, how many of you all are going on this trip?" "Well, the ad said there'd be a crew of about 20." " All men?" " Naturally, Pop." "This is a real challenge, a risk." "This is what separates the men from the boys." "You just make sure that you know how to separate the men from the fruitcakes." "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about you might go on this trip... and come back with an earring in one ear... and walking funny." "Pop, this is a bunch of men on a ship working together." "Well, just don't be surprised one night... while you're on the high seas if the first mate says..." ""Would you swab the deck, honey?"" "I knew you'd put it down, but it won't change my mind, 'cause I'm gonna do it." "I don't want to talk about it." "I'm going to my room." "Wait a minute, Pop." "I was going to take you out to Sunday dinner." "I'm not hungry." "See, now I know why you're so nice to me." ""Let me get your slippers, Pop. " "Let me open the door for you, Pop. "" "Well, I don't want to wish you no bad luck... but I hope your ship sinks." "With no lifeboats." "And no life preservers." "And a school of piranhas surrounding you and closing in." "You big dummy." " Sit over here, Pop." " Don't touch me." "Hey, this is a nice place, isn't it, Pop?" "Look at this." ""This week's entertainment..." "Monday night, bingo." "Tuesday night..." "Dr. Tolbert will lecture on the cause and cure of constipation. "" "Wednesday morning, bingo." "You know, Pop, I think you're really gonna like it here." "We were lucky to get in this place." "I hope the sharks get you." "Now, you said you were gonna go through with this, Pop." "Don't start nothing now, please." "I'll start something." "I'll let everybody know what kind of son I got." "My son is going around the world with a bunch of fruitcakes!" "Don't shush me." "You got me here." "That's what you wanted, ain't it?" "Well, go on back to your dumb ship." "Just go on back and leave me alone." "Listen, Pop." "You might even learn to like this place..." "Good afternoon, gentlemen." "I'm Miss Ecker." "And you're Mr..." "Sanford." "This is my father, Fred Sanford." "We talked on the phone earlier." "Oh, yes." "Well, welcome aboard, Mr. Sanford." "Just what this place needs..." "new blood." "You know, we're fully integrated here." "I know you're fully something." "And what have we in our bag?" "I don't know what we have in our bag... but I know what I got in my bag." "I mean, is it full of clothes and miscellaneous?" "No, it's full of wine bottles and a corkscrew." "Didn't my son tell you?" "I'm a wino." "Well, Pop's always kidding." "He's a great kidder." "I'm not kidding." "I'm a troublemaker." "And I want everybody to know it." "Don't stop me." "And listen." "If I don't get everything I want here, I'll go on a hunger strike." "Mr. Sanford, I'm sure you'll get everything you want." "We have a marvelous program here... recreational as well as occupational." "Do you like leathercraft?" "You know, you could make your son a wallet." "My son don't want no wallet." "When he comes back off this trip, he gonna want a purse." "I beg your pardon?" "Nothing." "See, he's going on an around-the-world tour with a bunch of fruitcakes." "So say bon voyage to the African queen." "Listen, don't pay any attention to my father, Miss Ecker." "He's always making funnies." "Right, Pop?" "I wouldn't worry about him, Mr. Sanford." "They're always a little upset at first." "We'll take care of him." "He'll be in good hands." "Oh, why don't I show you to your room, Mr. Sanford?" "All right?" " Anything you say." "Miss Okra." " Ecker." "Ecker." "I have this nice room right across the hall from me." "Won't that be cozy?" "Just don't start no funny stuff." "See, you might be fully integrated, but I ain't crossed that bridge yet." "Right this way, Mr. Sanford." "Oh, Mr. Malloy, I'd like you to meet our newest senior citizen, Mr. Sanford." "Hi." "How would you like a nice game of shuffleboard?" "How would you like one across your lips?" " Maybe later, Mr. Malloy." " Eh?" "Maybe later." "How much later?" "I'm 89 years old." "We're going to get settled first, Mr. Malloy." "We'll see you later." "In here, Mr. Sanford." "I'd knock him out." "He might have had a reach on me... but I'd have ducked under that, and then I'd..." " Hey, old timer." "What's happening?" " What do you mean, "old timer"?" "I'm having a fit, that's what's happening." "You want me to fit this upside your nose?" " Would you like to try it?" " Yeah, I'll try it." "Come on in." " All right." " Go ahead, mister." "Go ahead, mister." "I'll hurt him!" "Come on." "Come on." "Come on!" "Pop, why are you starting a fight with everybody for?" "Don't say nothing to me." "I'll give you one of these for a good-bye present." "Don't touch me." "Hey, Pop, look at this room!" "This is great, isn't it?" "This is better than the one at home." "Oh, I know you'll enjoy it, Mr. Sanford." "The man who was here before found it very pleasant." "God rest his soul." "Well, I'll leave you two to say good-bye to each other." "Lunch is at 1:00 sharp, Mr. Sanford." "Guess what we're having today?" "Spaghetti and codfish cakes!" "Yummy!" " Well, let me help you unpack." " Don't touch my bag." "I'll do it myself." "Well, I guess I'll be going." "Hey, Pop, listen." "I'll write you at least once a week." "And you know what you can do?" "Save the stamps, start a stamp collection." "Whoopie." "Well, I guess I'll be going." "Hey, Pop, you do understand, don't you?" "I mean, this is something that I got to do." "But listen, I'm not gonna leave until I get everything settled with the house." "So that means I'll be coming back to see you." "So long, Pop." "Bye, Pop." "Well, Elizabeth... we're all alone now, just me and you." "Whatever it is, I don't want none of it!" "I don't want to play no shuffleboard, I don't want to play no checkers... and I don't want to weave no damn baskets." "Will you go away?" "I'm smoking pot." "Hey, Fred, it's me." " Bubba!" " Hey, Fred!" "Bubba!" "I'm glad to see you, Bubba!" "Oh, it's good to see you, too, Fred." " What you got there?" " I brought you something." " What is it?" " Some food from the ghetto." "I stopped off at Leo's Barbecue and brought you some ribs." "Oh, Bubba, I could cry." "But first I'm gonna eat these ribs." "Sit down." " Boy, this smells good, Bubba." " Is the food bad here, Fred?" "Is it bad?" "It ain't got no taste." "It's like eating a handkerchief." "You know what I mean?" "You could have a meal here and then belch... and it wouldn't remind you of nothing." "That bad, huh?" "Oh, it's bad, Bubba." "What are you looking at, that picture?" "Isn't that something?" "I'm spending my last days on earth here... and they got a picture of an Indian." "Least they could do is give me a picture ofJesus." "I can bring you one, Fred." "I got one at home where the eyes follow you around the room." "No, I don't want that, Bubba." "Hi." "How's about a game of horseshoes?" "No, we don't want to play no horseshoes." "I got a visitor here." "How about you?" "You want to play some horseshoes?" "No, thanks." "Nobody wants to play horseshoes anymore." "What's happening to America?" " Who's that?" " Some guy who wanted to play horseshoes." "I think he's got one more game of horseshoes left in him... and I don't want to be around when he plays it." " Who is it?" " It's me, Mr. Sanford." "Miss Ecker." "I wondered if you'd like to come down to the recreation room... and hear a lecture by Dr. Tolbert." "The subject today is "You and your pancreas. "" "No, I don't think so." "Well, it's going to be an illustrated lecture with movies." "Wouldn't you like to see how your pancreas breaks down... all your carbohydrates?" "No, I don't like them movies with all that violence in it." "Well, I'll see you later." "See that, Bubba?" "It's like that all day long." "They just run you ragged." "I've been here a couple of days... and I've worn out two pair of shoes already." "Man, I sure wish you were back home, Fred." "I do too, Bubba." "But this is the way Lamont wanted it." " Say, did the dummy leave yet?" " Not yet." " You think he'll really go?" " He said he's going." "Because I want to tell you, he really misses you already." " Really?" " Yeah." "He told me he never thought he'd miss you this much." " Good." " I'll tell you what else he told me." "He told me it's strange being in that house alone." "He said he seems to hear your voice all the time." "And he's gonna hear my voice the rest of his life... saying just one word over and over..." "dummy, dummy, dummy." "Well, guess I'll be going, Fred." "Say, look here, Bubba." "Is it true..." "swear to God, Bubba... that he said that he hears my voice all the time?" " That's right." " You got your car with you?" " Yeah." "Why?" " I want you to drop me off somewhere... and I'll tell you about it on the way." " Okay, Fred." " Hey, wait a minute." "I better take these with me, 'cause Dr. Tolbert might give a lecture... on "me and my ribs. "" " Oh, hi, Bubba." " Hey, Lamont." "Say, is that what you're gonna wear on your trip around the world?" " Yeah, Bubba." "It's a pea coat." " Yeah?" "Did you know that when you bought it?" "That's what it's called, Bubba." "It's a navy pea coat." "House sure seems empty since your pop's been gone." " Yeah, it does, doesn't it, Bubba?" " Look at that." "He must have forgot to take his hat." "Hey, you know what, Bubba?" "I gave Pop this hat for his 65th birthday." "Look at that." "You see them initials?" "F.S. Fred Sanford." "You know what he told me those initials stood for?" "Fine son." " He told you that?" " Yeah." "You know what else he told me?" "He told me he understood why you had to go away." "Just as long as you always remember what he looks like and how he sounds." "By the way, do you still seem to be hearing his voice here in the house?" "Yeah, Bubba, and it's really weird." "Lamont!" "Lamont!" "Did you hear that, Bubba?" "Hear what?" "Pop's voice." "It wasn't my imagination." "I really heard it that time." "I didn't hear nothing." "I swear I heard it, Bubba." "Don't go, Lamont!" "Now, don't tell me you didn't hear it that time, Bubba." "You know what I think?" "That sounded like it came from upstairs." "I think Pop's in this house somewhere." "Don't go, son!" "Don't go!" " It sounds like it came from down here!" " Take it easy, Lamont." "Here." "Sit down and relax." "I'll take a look outside." "You just sit." "Well, ain't nothing out there." "You know what I think, Lamont?" "I think it's because you two spent all those years in this house together." "I bet when you get out on that ocean, you won't hear it no more." " Don't you think so?" " I don't know, Bubba." "I don't know." "Well, in case I don't see you, have a good trip." "Oh." "Yeah, thanks, Bubba." "Thanks a lot." " Okay." "So long, Lamont." " So long, Bubba." " Did the dummy go for it?" " Yeah!" "Dummy!" "Dummy!" "I'm certainly sorry to see you go, Mr. Sanford." "But I'm glad you're going home." "What made you change your mind about taking that trip, young man?" "Well, a little voice came to me and said now wasn't the time to do it." "I'm sorry you won't be here for the lecture this afternoon." "It'll be good." "What's it about?" ""You and your gall bladder"?" "Oh, no." "Dr. Tolbert's subject for today is..." ""Do we expect too much from our children?"" "Oh, I don't have to worry about that." "Because my kid gives me everything I expect." " Right, son?" " Right, Pop." "Isn't that nice?" "Well, good-bye, Mr. Sanford, and good luck." " Good-bye." " Yeah, good-bye, Miss Okra." " Ecker." " Yeah." "Oh, I forgot my suitcase." "Come on, Elizabeth." "Let's get the hell out of here." " See you Sunday night, Pop." " What are you talking about?" " Where are you going?" " Didn't I tell you?" "Rollo and I is taking the pickup truck, and we're gonna drive to San Diego." "You mean you're gonna leave me here all alone?" "Listen, you said I couldn't go around the world, but I can go to San Diego." " Listen, son..." " I'll see you, Pop." "Don't leave me here by myself." "Say, you don't mind if Lamont goes to San Diego, do you?" "I mean, that's not like leaving you and going around the world." "No, but every now and then, I got to tell him a few things... before he just takes on off and leaves." "It's like psychology." "Oh, is that how you keep Lamont at home?" "With psychology?" "Well, that and the keys to the truck." "Sanford and Son is recorded on tape...  before a live studio audience."