"Well,theflowersare nice." "sure." "but the church is too big." "laura, cool it." "is that... you know?" "do you think the -- the mother will show up now?" "no.no." "poor thing. he's all alone." "thereheis ." "hewasherethe wholetime ?" "i almost called the cops." "didn't you tell him to wait for us?" "dowehavetocreateascene?" "whynotmakeascene?" "otherwise it's like i'm not even there." "youknowwhat?" "jonas is gonna be in a nursing home by the end of the week." "mark my words." "ohh." "keepyourhandsoff me, kid ." "comeon." "let's go sit down." "come on. come on." "cousindoesn'tlookthat stupid." "he'sprobablythinkingthe  same thing about you." "couldyoupleasekeepyour  voice down?" "we'repracticallytheonly ones here." "allright,that'sit." "shut up or wait in the car." "luke,dear." "areyouokay?" "screaming doesn't accomplish a single thing." "makes you look like some blithering bozo." "not good." "whyareyousleepinghere ?" "is this your room?" "no,grandpa." "we're at the relatives'." "whatarewe doinghere,luke ?" "it'spast9: 00p.m.grandpa." "we're sleeping." "ifi were25 ,i-iwouldn'tbe sleeping here." "i'd be out drinking and screwing and raising hell." "it'snighttime,grandpa." "we have to use our inside voices." "doyouliketoscrew,boy?" "oh, i bet you do." "it's so wonderful." "this bed is shit." "tomorrowwillbe abeautiful day." "but you need your rest." "i'll make you pancakes and eggs for breakfast." "now get some sleep." "youarenotlistening!" "iamlisteningtoyou." "hehaslunaticfits." "oh,comeon ." "imean,godknowswhat other sick behaviors -- i mean, paul, we need to get them proper care!" "it's what's best!" "what,bestforwho ?" "for you?" "they're family, cindy!" "they're family." "they're my family." "they're our family." "youarenotthe one who 's gonna be stuck with them all day!" "commercialsare... over." "*there'scompanyand  conversation * * recipes and new creations * * we're cookin' up something good here at home * omething hello,family,andwelcometo our indoor memorial day... luke?" "luke, are you in here?" "everytimeiplanapicnic for outside on memorial day... yes,i 'mhere." "andbecauseyoumakethem , you put it together, you're done." "howmuchperpound?" "a whole pound?" "crumbleitallup... soyougaveusquiteascare there, luke." "that'sgrandmamaggie's chair." "she would never allow you to sit in it." "it's not proper to sit in someone else's seat." "i wouldn't... we've been looking all morning for you, you know." "i'm missing work." "cindy is out of her -- grandpajonassitsthere." "that's his seat." "he didn't like watching the tv, so he would sit in the corner, and he would watch us." "igetit ." "youcan'tsittherebecause it's not your chair." "why would you run off like that?" "huh?" "you'll,um-- you'llcome back with me when you're done eating, all right?" "no." "whatdoyoumean,"no" ?" "sorry." "youcan'tstayhere." "i mean, this house is up for sale." "i thought we got rid of all your stuff." "mybedis in theattic." "i have a night lamp so it is never dark." "we'llgetyouanothernight light, okay?" "thisiswhereilive ." "allright,i'm--what doyou want to do?" "huh?" "what do you want to do?" "you want to stay here and watch, uh, uh, cooking shows for the rest of your life?" "is that what you want?" "talk to me." "bargain with me." "tell me something." "what do you want to do?" "i want to go out and screw." "yes." "like a boy my age." "do you -- do you even know what that means?" "so,howlongwillthey be staying?" "yourgrandfatherand cousin... will be staying as long as they need to." "byexecutivedecision." "thisiscompleteshit." "it'snotshit,grandpa." "it's lasagna." "it'sjustundercooked... and has too much canned tomato sauce and not enough flour or cheese." "butwemustbegratefulfor the hospitality." "no!" "no,paul.no." "i'm not waiting for you to take a day off." "i'm going to see nursing homes right now." "your fa-- your father grabbed my ass this morning, slipped me a" "$20, and asked me to... god, i can't even say it." "flatass." "she can't even cook." "what kind of woman is that?" "veryeasyto sayfromthe comfort of your own... grandpa,i thinkwe needto be quiet now." "whatdoesit matter,boy ?" "i can't get it up." "it's dead." "what a tragedy." "okay,haveaniceday!" "okay, bye!" "oh, my god!" "auntcindy,we needtostop  at the nearest restroom." "justholdit ." "we'll be there in 10." "please." "onmycar?" "!" "oh, i just had it cleaned!" "goddamn hell!" "it's over, boy." "just leave me here." "i'm finished!" "i will help you, grandpa." "no,no,no ,no ." "you shouldn't be doing this." "oh." "relax." "it was only an accident." "happens to everyone." "now,justoneleg ata time , grandpa." "that's right." "shh. shh." "come on, grandpa." "we have to go now." "i'mnotgoinganywhere." "auntcindyis waiting." "she'll scream." "iwantacigarette." "grandmasaidyoucouldn't have cigarettes." "they'll give you cancers, and that could make you -- areyouachildorareyoua man, boy?" "!" "you stop your damn whining!" "you're not a complete moron, you know!" "your grandma's not here anymore, so you better get your shit together like anybody else!" "like a man!" "smellslikeaurinal!" "ohh!" "yourmother'sreally something." "she bought every car-leather cleaner and air purifier that i have." "she'smyauntcindy." "my mother left me when i was 4 and doesn't want me back." "cani helpyou?" "yes,i wouldlikesome cigarettes, please." "youdon'tlooklikethe smoking type." "that's a nasty habit." "you know that, right?" "yes,i knowverywellthe dangers of smoking, but grandpa won't come out of the bathroom." "he wants a cigarette." "i told him grandma would not approve, even though she's dead and buried, but he told me to tell you that i have money and i'm over 18, so give me some goddamn cigarettes." "easy,oldman." "no heart attacks on my shift, okay." "piss off." "insolent kid." "hey, come sit down, man." "what are you, a lamp post?" "come here, man." "sam." "you are a man." "do you have your shit together like anybody else?" "idon'tknow." "stupid job, but it pays the bills, right?" "idon'thaveajob." "areyoulooking?" "yes." "i can't watch cooking shows for the rest of my life." "i want to screw." "youdefinitelygotyour priorities straight." "well, you can do something, right?" "i mean, everybody can do something." "who knows?" "one day, you may even screw." "unclepaulsaysishouldn't think about screwing." "and for sure, not ask aunt cindy what it really means." "youknowwhat?" "i got something for you, my friend." "this is going to teach you everything you need to know about screwing." "stay true to what you want... always." "all right, i got a customer, so i got to go." "but you take ca-- yeah, look at that." "look at that right there." "that's you!" "yes." "oh." "wehavelovelypictures around, all along the hallway." "yes,yes." "carpeting." "i-it'slikeahotelforold people." "yeah,wetrytomake ita unique and relaxing experience for everyone here." "absolutelyfabulous." "you have a room open today?" "wedohavearoom available." "andrepeat." "and one, and two, and three." "pathetic." "yes." "luke,keepan eyeonthe relatives." "i'mgoingto getajob." "oh,that'stheticket,boy." "first the job... then you find yourself a nice girl." "girl who doesn't nag, likes to travel and -- screw." "luke,whotaughtyou that language?" ""make love," son." "that's how you say it." "okay." "youknowwhyyourmotherleft you?" "shewasyoung." "andstupid." "she didn't even tell us who your father was." "probably some other idiot kid." "it's true." "you were a crazy child." "i felt like drowning you in the bath more than once." "look at you now." "you're a man." "well, almost, anyway." "i won't be getting out of here." "you're on your own, kid." "hey,howaboutwegive each  other a little alone time?" "what do you think?" "brad!" "luke,i thoughtyouwerewith  my mom." "no,i 'mstandingrighthere." "whoisthat?" "it'smycousin." "you know, the one i told you about?" "theretard?" "no,he'snotretarded, exactly." "he's autistic or something." "right, luke?" "autistic?" "grandmasaidthatidefy  clinical categorization." "i'm just as special as anyone else, maybe even a little bit more." "listen,luke,youcannottell  mom about this, all right?" "she can be a total bitch sometimes." "just be a little white lie, you know?" "all right, you're not gonna tell on me, right?" "tellwhat?" "oh.prettysharp,cousin." "hey, um, do you want to come chill with us for a while?" "uh... yeah,yeah,go sitdownwith  charlene, and i'll go grab some beer from my dad's secret stash." "so, want to sit?" "hmm?" "um, sorry to hear about your grandmother." "and sorry i called you a... you know." "peoplewhocallmethat are ignorant fools or retarded themselves." "i'm quite smart." "i have a high-school diploma and a certificate from advanced cooking technique by mail." "you're cute." "you know that?" "no.i didnot." "i'm cute." "so,luke... how long were you watching us?" "threeminutes?" "shouldhavekeptquiet." "could have learned a thing or two." "mm,yes,iama fast learner." "could you do me a huge favor?" "no?" "yes!" "yes." "couldyoupassmemybra?" "it's right over there." "luke,areyoutouchingmy girlfriend?" "yes.no!" "charleneissmoking-hot, isn't she?" "doyouthinki'm pretty?" "youareveryeasyonthe eyes." "charlene'sgotthebesttits  in school." "but you'll have to find your own hot bitch." "where?" "wheredoyoufindagirl?" "mm,smoking-hotbitchlike charlene." "i was joking." "but, i mean, i don't want to put you down or anything 'cause you're a nice guy." "but, um, girls, really?" "yes." "girls. really." "mm." "hi." "so,didthenursinghome not meet your expectations?" "no,itwasfine." "it was just fine." "thank you for setting it up, okay?" "praise,indeed." "oh, i found ben and his lovely girlfriend drinking when i got home, with luke." "what?" "yeah,theygothim drunk." "he could barely speak." "he just kept staring at her tits." "badboy,luke." "hmm... whatdidyouput inthese?" "crack?" "justbutterandlove." "cousin,i thinkyou'reokay, so i'm gonna give you the heads up." "my parents are a burnt toast away from killing each other." "think bloody, national evening news." "mom is on heavy, heavy antidepressants but is still a psycho bitch." "and dad, although he doesn't seem it, is the worst of all." "you're not safe here." "none of us are." "cousinmegan...couldiask you a question?" "sure." "howcanifindajob ?" "well,there'smillionsof sites for that on the internet." "don't you have a laptop?" "the classifieds." "my dad still gets the local newspaper." "he's so backwards." "mm." "see?" "here are the jobs." "here are their numbers." "super-easy." "even a retard could do it." "sorry." "morning,sweetie." "luke." "hi, hon." "hey, brad." "well... i, uh, i best, um... i best get going." "yes." "hey,luke,stillinone piece, buddy?" "i was afraid after all that corruption we put you through -- watchit,smartass ." "get your shit and let's go." "you ready, megan?" "no,butthat'sneverseemed to matter." "thanks for the breakfast." "did- -didyoucook?" "yes?" "really?" "iwroteup thehouserules last night." "they are here." "they are simple and specific." "i'll be back at 2:00." "please don't burn down the house." "noburning.okay." "arlene." "arlene can wait." "i need a job." "mm. mm." ""easyjobsplacementisyour  answer." "come in for a personal interview." "542 main street." "don't wait."" "left on 5th." "breathe." "no running away to maggie's." "no drinking beer." "no reading porn." "all the rules are followed, yes." "mm." "walk faster." "aunt cindy gets back at 2:00 p.m." "breathe again." "next left." "yeah,so,apparentlyi'm not  girlfriend material." "yeah, that's what he said." "yeah, he told me that, and i was like, "i'm sorry." "who's the one living at home with his mother, unemployed?"" "yeah, so, that's kind of over." "i'm gonna call you back, okay?" "can i help you?" "yes.youmust." "it took me 52 minutes to get here, and i have to be back before my -- doyouhavebusinesshere ,or did somebody tip you off about my tits, and you thought you'd just come take a peek?" "ineedajob ." "oh." "well, you came to the right place, then, 'cause finding peeping-toms jobs is all we do here." "mynameis nottom ." "it's luke." "okay,luke." "um, have a seat and fill this out." "i'll call you when our next job counselor's ready." "easyjobs.thisismaria." "uh, i'm not totally sure that she's in today." "can you hold for one second?" "yeah, it'll just be one sec." "did you forget something?" "maria,doyounot nag and  like to travel?" "i'm looking for a female with those specifications." "don'tyouthinkweshould find you a job before you start asking me out on dates?" "yes." "one step at a time." "first the job." "right." "uh, she's actually out of the office today." "i can transfer you to her voice mail." "great." ""firstname"-- luke." "iseeyougraduatedfrom high  school last year." "may i ask what took so long?" "yes,youmay." "whattookso long?" "grandmamaggiesaidthat there was no rush and i should go at my own special pace." "she also got sick and had trouble teaching me biology and algebra." "i didn't have that much trouble, just her." "i got a class ring that says" ""hope high," but the school that actually sent the test was called adult learning center." "luke." "i don't think i can help you." "you see, you've got no previous experience, no references, no higher education or vocational training, no computer skills or languages." "do you understand?" "icancook." "grandma maggie taught me 23 of her favorite dinner entrées, including breakfast." "no desserts yet." "and -- okay.okay." "look... i know a guy you should meet." "oh,late." "almost late." "i'm gonna get it." "2:00 p.m." "2:00 p.m." "luke, five blocks, two minutes." "you can do it." "letmeguess." "you're luke, aren't you?" "yes." "we'vebeenlookingaroundfor you." "where you been, son?" "easyjobsin downtown." "i'm going to get a job at smiles, but i didn't go there yet because aunt cindy gets back at 2:00 p.m." "ithinkshegot homeearly, luke." "wehaveabig problem." "whatever." "come on." "get in the car, and i'll give you a ride home." "luke. come on. get in the car." ""smiles." "independent living and support of employment for special people."" "whatcouldpossiblybegoing on in that underdeveloped mind of yours?" "!" "you thought you were finding a job?" "!" "taking buses around town?" "!" "god!" "luke!" "luke, where are you?" "i'mrighthere." "wasi notclearinmy instructions?" "backat2: 00p.m." "that's what it said." "mymanicuristcanceled." "can i not come home whenever i feel like it?" "ifollowedallofthe instructions that you -- no,no,no ,youdidn't,and you know it." "god, what am i supposed to do?" "am i supposed to lock you up?" "i mean, is that what maggie did?" "did she lock you up so you didn't run around doing stupid shit?" "no!" "grandma would never lock the door!" "no!" "that's a lie!" "that's bad!" "bad!" "grandma was good." "no screaming." "hey, um, luke?" "i didn't mean it like that, okay?" "iwasn'tdoingstupidshit ." "i'm a grown boy -- a man." "i wanted to get a job at smiles." "if i have a job, i can live by myself." "i won't need proper care, a residential facility." "i don't want someone screaming." "screaming is bad." "i promised maria i would visit when i have a job." "i want to see her breasts again." "auntcindy,is thisan emergency?" "mm, maybe, honey." "shalli callunclepaulon his mobile?" "no,no." "let's, um... let's just wait a minute." "come here." "and don't tell me you don't drink." "luke, i won't hurt you." "or scream." "i promise." "okay." "sit!" "drink." "doyouthinki'm abitch?" "the manicurist canceled on me today because she said i was a bitch, and she didn't want to do my nails, "no mo'."" "and now officer smart-ass tells me i have to chill out and give you some space." "does everyone think i'm a bitch?" "bradsaidyouwereatotal  bitch." "megan says you're a psycho b-- okay,thankyou.thankyou." "i think i'm a bitch, too." "iscreamsometimes." "i shouldn't, but i do." "breathing helps. and pancakes." "i love pancakes." "give me that piece of paper you're hiding." "don't think i didn't see it." "come on." "smiles." "what a wonderful name." "yes." "idon'tpretendto understand you, but it's good to have dreams." "do you want me to take you to this smiles place?" "thatwouldbe very acceptable." "luke... um, you don't need to leave." "not yet, at least, and the thing is i don't want you mentioning any of this to your uncle paul -- any of it, really." "he's getting tired of me." "he hasn't touched me since, um... i just... i don't think i could handle a divorce." "do you understand?" "okay." "okay." "yeah." "we should talk more often." "mr.nichols?" "luke is here." "lucas!" "mynameis luke." "ah." "chloe tells us that bobby sent you to us." "is that right?" "yes,bobbysaidyou couldget me a job." "i can't live by myself yet." "i have to wait until aunt cindy says that uncle paul has touched her." "uh,we'llcomebacktothis later." "i see you were home-schooled." "is that right?" "yes." "my grandma took me out of the special school because they were treating me like an idiot." "lucas,allthisisamazing." "do you have any special skills we should know about?" "for example, uh, can you multiply big numbers, like 999 by 999?" "or memorize entire books?" "icancookbreakfastand23 different dinner entrées." "no desserts yet." "yes,yes,yes." "of course." "uh, that's great." "that's great." "and now you, uh -- you want a job, is that right?" "yes." "i've told you that three times now." "and i told chloe that 33 minutes ago." "i want to be independent and live my own life." "i need a job urgently so i can ask maria out on a date." "sincewhendo youcooksoup , mom?" "lukecookedit ,didn'the?" "no,lukedidn'tcookit." "eitherlukecookedit, oryou forced the cleaning lady to cook again." "yeah,don'tlietous." "we're not dumb." "thisisactuallyprettygood ." "you really cooked this?" "luke,wouldyoupleasetell  my loving family who cooked this delicious meal?" "auntcindycookedthe soup." "it's from season 3, episode 9 " ""mediterranean masterpieces."" "i can cook it better." "it has too much salt." "thankyou.thankyou ." "iknewyoucookedit." "i was just, uh -- oh,shutup ." "so,luke,youfinda girlfriend yet?" "that'snotfunny,brad." "he's been home all day." "ifoundagirl." "what?" "youdid?" "he did?" "iwasmeaningtotell you,  paul." "hernameis maria." "whattheheckisgoingon?" "lukeisgonnatrainfora  job." "fromtheclassifieds,likei told you?" "wait,you'retheone who told him to get a job?" "doingwhat?" "and -- and how is he getting around?" "itookthebus ." "i followed the rules." "honey." "where were you in all of this?" "getting a manicure?" "ialreadydealtwithit, paul." "wait,wait,doesshe havebig tits?" "both:brad!" "what?" "it'savalidquestion." "mariahasveryacceptable breasts." "cousinluke,ihopeyou didn't find this maria from the classifieds." "girls who post in the classifieds usually want money." "okay,that's-- that'squite enough of that." "maria'snotaslutlike  charlene." "i will ask her out on a date as soon as i have a real paying job." "aunt cindy, could i have some more soup, please?" "it'smypleasure,luke." "istilldon'tbelieveyou." "wantmeto go in therewith you?" "mm,thatwon'tbenecessary." "yousureyouwanttodo this,  luke?" "yes." "i need a job." "oh,youkeepsayingthat ,but i don't get it." "you never wanted a job before, when you were with maggie." "why do you suddenly want one now?" "unclepaul,it is goodthati have dreams." "yeah,i guess,but,uh... i had dreams once." "seems like a lifetime ago." "now it's just... i don't know what it is." "i know i wake up in the morning, shower, get dressed, go to work, work, eat, work some more, come home, eat, get undressed, go to sleep." "then i wake up in the morning, and i start the whole thing all over again." "i don't know what's wrong with me." "you'renotaverygood  listener, but that's all right." "i'll cook you something nice for dinner tonight." "that'll make everything better." "thankyou,luke." "unclepaul." "oh." "hey, luke." "good luck." "59minuteslate." "not good. not nice." "letmeguess.you 'reluke." "do you talk?" "yes,i speakverywell." "that'sa shame." "i got along very well with the last retard from smiles." "he didn't say a single word." "it was heaven." "iamnotretarded,andpeople who call me that are -- iknowthat!" "and if you didn't have a paper bag over your head, you'd realize i was using irony and figures of speech!" "but you probably thought i meant" ""paper bag" literally, didn't you?" "you can relax." "you'll find your countless limitations are all known to me." "i have very low expectations." "iamverysmart." "and i'm here to train for a job." "where's my smiles trainer who will test my abilities?" "noneofthesmilestrainers come here anymore." "you're all alone, and if you haven't figured it out yet, i'm your supervisor." "my name is zack -- never zachary." "i run the i.t. department." "and i own your ass!" "don't even think about shaking my hand!" "to the dungeon, half-wit!" "you're sharp, luke." "i've had many smiles kids just stand there all morning after i said that." "you should try using figures of speech and irony as much as possible." "they're necessary if you're to live in this world." "humanity is evil." "okay." "doyouknowwhatidowhen the people noise gets so bad that i want to scream?" "no.howwouldiknow that ?" "stopbeingsucha noise-maker, you human!" "what i did back there was not appropriate." "it showed lack of self-control and poor judgment." "you don't ever do it, understand?" "yes." "screaming is very bad, i know." "theonlyreasonigotaway with it is because my father owns this company." "if you were to do something like that, you would be escorted from the building by security." "it's happened before." "ishouldstartmytraining now, yes." "training." "aaaaaaaaaah!" "my father had the walls soundproofed." "iambreathing." "i'mgladyoushowsome  higher function, luke." "unfortunately, the tasks you'll be performing are worthy of a preschool diploma." "you'll be sorting and delivering snail mail, filing thousands of bullshit customer reports, and making coffee, if the secretaries don't think you're a health hazard." "so don't let them catch you picking your nose or drooling." "imakegoodcoffeeand23 different dinner entrées, including breakfast -- wow!" "you're a regular housewife." "let's get married." "i don't care!" "and i don't want to talk to you anymore." "get your ass to work!" "ihavenotyet received proper instruction on how to sort and deliver snail mail, file bullshit reports, and where is the coffee machine located?" "doi looklikei'm aboutto be helpful?" "mm,no." "getoutof here!" "ah,youmustbethenew idiot." "you better hurry up with that mail." "i'mluke." "i'm not the new idiot." "didzacksendyou downhere  by yourself?" "he just thinks everything revolves around his dark little world." "you kids need adult supervision." "i'mnotakid ,and ihave not been trained in the proper procedure to sort the snail mail." "this is not acceptable." "okay,listencarefully, because i don't repeat myself for anyone." "you pick up the mail, you see who it's addressed to, and you put it in the corresponding bin." "the department chart is directly across from you." "the red cart goes to the south wing." "the blue cart goes to the north wing, and then you walk around and you look at the names on people's desks and give them their goddamn mail!" "youwantto knowwhattodo  with all the mail everybody keeps giving you." "yes." "andyoudon'twanttoask angry betsy by the mail room." "yes." "soyoucometomefor answers." "yes." "you are my supervisor." "you own my ass." "iseeyoutookthemail." "that shows initiative." "i had this smiles girl once who started hitting people that tried to give her packages, and then another kid who took them, but then threw them in the trash." "i guess i'd concede i'm not the best supervisor, but -- youtalktoomuch,zack !" "i still have the blue cart to deliver, and at my current speed, it will take me all morning to finish." "and what about the bullshit reports and coffee?" "i need to know about the packages urgently." "i can only stay until 1:00 p.m." "since i'm not a paid employee." "don't scream, please." "youcanleaveall the  outgoing mail in the white bag by the postage meter in the mail room." "you're not qualified to operate machinery." "thankyou." "whatareyoudoinghere ?" "tryingtoleave,but ican't." "imeanwhatare you doingat this stupid company, training for this stupid job?" "do you know what's your purpose to society?" "do you know why you're alive, luke?" "i'll tell you what's your purpose." "you're here to make people feel sorry for you." "you're here to remind people what a sad world we live in where somebody like you can be born." "you're here as a living, breathing, stinking example of everything they don't want for themselves." "and no amount of rushing to finish your chores is gonna change that or make it better." "no." "didyousay"no "?" "i'mhereto trainfor ajob so i can ask maria out on a date." "and uncle paul doesn't know it yet, but someday i'm going to live by myself... and screw, yes." "gostraighthome,luke." "please." "hey." "most guys would have waited at least a week before making a second appearance." "maria,i 'mintrainingat clickeasy." "hmm,i thoughtyouwerethe nerdy type." "hey, that's a great company." "i actually applied to temp there before i ended up here, so... uh... is that all you wanted to tell me?" "yes,that'sall." "i will not mention your breasts again until our date when i have a job." "right now i must concentrate on snail mail, filing bullshit reports, coffee -- luke." "what if i say no?" "i mean, you're -- you're cute and all, but maybe i'm looking for something different in a guy." "mariacan'tsayno." "toughday,huh?" "yes.verytough." "trygettingmarriedand  having kids." "jonas is, um, not doing too well." "they call me at work." "i have to go see the doctor at the home." "ineedto seegrandpabefore he is dead." "yeah.yeah,ido, too ." "grandpa,i can'tjustfigure it out." "i need you to tell me what to do, okay?" "please wake up." "idon'tthinki'veever seen  him this way." "he seems so -- so calm." "he'snotsnoring." "huh?" "grandpasnoreslikeawild  hog." "he's not sleeping well." "he's not calm." "wanttosit?" "sit ." "do he ever mention me much?" "grandpacalledme paulwhen he couldn't find me in the house -- always." "oh,yeah?" "yes." "huh." "boy, was he pissed when you first showed up." "never forgave your mother for dumping you on his doorstep." "i guess none of us did." "she only came back once to visit you, when you were about 6 or 7, i think." "remember that?" "i always knew i'd be looking after you someday." "i just didn't think it would be this soon." "i always thought you didn't understand anything." "luke." "luke." "you know what he said to me when i came by to visit him the other day?" "he said, "hey, boy." "men don't whine." "they just go out and get it done, period."" "yourealizeyou'rethe first smiles intern i allow to use the postage meter?" "this is very unlike me." "is something going on?" "what, you don't want to talk today?" "aah!" "got you, retard!" "iamnotaretard." "i've told you that already." "people who call me that -- whatever." "you can't scream in here, anyway." "the walls aren't soundproof." "so what happened?" "somebody shuffle around your baseball-card collection?" "grandpatoldme to just figure it out, be a man." "but what happens when i get a job and maria says no to a date?" "it's not acceptable." "i have to get my shit together fast." "think, luke." "think." "it'salwaysthosewomen, isn't it?" "yes,verymuchso." "everyproblemhasarational solution, luke, even women." "you met her at smiles, right?" "mariaworksat easyjobs." "she answers the phones." "didyoufallfor ann.t. ?" "mariaisanicegirl with  pretty breasts." "do not use figures of speech on her." ""n.t."- -neurologically typical." "she's normal." "does she know you're a retard?" "iamnotaretard,andi've told you " "shh!" "luke, you are very special, but if betsy hears us screaming in the mail room, my father will kick us both out." "he forced me to become a smiles supervisor because he thinks it'll build character, but he knows what a miserable failure i am." "i can't stay home with my mother all day." "i will die." "don't you see, luke?" "we're alike, you and i, practically kissing cousins." "luke." "luke." "i'm not normal, either." "do you understand?" "i'm nowhere near as dumb as you, but undeniably different." "can i show you something?" "it'll open your eyes." "are you ready, luke?" "do you see those two n.t.s by the water cooler?" "they're chatting." "it's the first step." "i've studied n.t. mating rituals extensively." "here, she'll say something stupid, and he'll say something stupid in return." "but that something has to have direct relation to what she originally said." "and there's a trick." "even though he might not be interested in what she's talking about, he has to pretend." "this is transmitted by his tone of voice, which has to be full of hundreds of tiny fluctuations, and especially by eye contact." "look in his eyes, luke." "he's staring directly at hers." "hmm." "butwait." "he looks away." "'cause if he stares too long, he can be seen as threatening, and if he doesn't stare long enough, he doesn't seem interested." "it's a careful balance." "see, there, he looks back again." "hmm." "thiscango on forhours." "and through the whole ordeal, they have to move their hands around and all these silly gestures, which are actually not silly at all, but an integral part of the non-verbal-communication package." "n.t.s need to figure out if they're compatible with each other -- worthy mates." "do you see, luke?" "do you see?" "yes." "i do." "doessheremindyou of anyone?" "shedoesn'tlooknormal." "thisisascientific instrument." "this is a human simulator." "it's my masterpiece." "it's not some silly cartoon." "mm,lookout." "she's looking at me." "cameraontopofthemonitor is recording you." "my proprietary software's analyzing your painful excuse for facial expressions, and she's reacting in turn." "shedoesn'tlikeme." "relaxyourface.relax." "n.t.s need constant feedback in the form of overtly apparent emotional signage." "if you don't make eye contact or smile at them or modulate your voice to make it sound pretty to listen to, then they think you're a freak, plain and simple." "i programmed her to be a bitch because that's what you're up against." "i went after an n.t. once." "youcanhelpme." "imadethisprogrambasedon that n.t." "i thought if... if i pretended to be normal, then she would like me." "and she didn't." "youpretendedto be normal." "luke,you'reasmartkid." "i can teach you all the computer shit you would need to get a decent job anywhere." "you and me -- we're not the same species." "we're not part of their society." "you have to accept that." "otherwise, there's nothing but pain -- horrible, horrible pain." "iwantto getmyshit  together like anybody else." "help me, zack." "i want to be a man." "i'mtakingyouonasacase  study." "but i'm running it scientifically, and you cannot question my methods." "got it?" "iaccept." "when can we start?" "luke,howwas,um... how was work today?" "workwasokay." "thank you for asking." "you'reverywelcome." "ibetyou'rehappythat they  let you stay until 5:00 like a normal worker." "iamnormal,cousinmegan." "megan." "yeah." "you're the one who's not normal." "imeanlikeanybodyelse ." "you must be learning a lot, right?" "yes,cousin,i'mlearninga lot, indeed." "luke,i don'tgiveashit  what you're learning, man." "you got to figure out something so you can come home in time to cook." "oh, i'm sorry." "teach my mom how." "youknowwhat?" "screwyouall." "i actually tried, okay?" "all right, look, i have more potatoes and vegetables in the fridge and two pounds of tenderloin." "how long would it take you?" "itwilltakeme23minutes with your kind assistance, aunt cindy." "by the way, isn't it a beautiful day today?" "i'm ready, zack." "justleaveit andgo!" "niceshoes,angrybetsy." "whatdidyousay ?" "isaidyouhavenice shoeson today." "they look very comfortable." "i wanted to keep my shoes that long, but grandma said that i looked like a common tramp and couldn't be seen with her anymore." "but i bet they don't make your little toe hurt at all." "no.no,theydon 't." "there." "youpassedyourfirst real-world test." "pure luck, in my opinion." "i want you to clock in more time on the n.t. simulator." "i've added voice-recognition software." "zack,sheis notreal." "maria." "how?" "!" "howmanymariasworkingat easy jobs in the city do you think there are?" "youmetmaria?" "no,luke,idon 'tventure unnecessarily into public." "jose, the night janitor -- he filled out a job application and took her photo." "by the way, he said she had really nice chi-chis." "so as n.t.s go, you picked a good one." "jose is a connoisseur." "don't get too excited." "i turned the bitch factor down to half." "thisisveryacceptable, zack." "youknowyou'llneverreally be normal, right?" "you know this is all about pretending." "you have less than one in a billion chance of not making a fool of yourself." "theni willpracticealot." "luke.luke,howlongdoi boil the carrots again?" "thecarrotsarenot tobe cooked separately." "they are to be placed in the roasting pan with the potatoes and onions." "right.shit." "auntcindy,areyou sureyou don't want my close supervision?" "i'mnotan idiot,luke." "i can follow simple instructions." "hello,niceto seeyou ." "oh,hi." "i read that one last year." "my guidance counselor gave it to me because she thought i didn't have enough friends." "didithelp?" "no." "whathelps?" "nothing,really." "some things just suck." "mm." "andthentheydon 't." "ah." "andthentheyjustsuck  again." "i haven't read that one." "can't comment." "hey, i found something." "it's an old videotape." "it has your name on it." "you want to see it?" "i can't believe i got it working." "this camera's from the '90s or something." "you can sit if you want." "is that you?" "yes." "whatareyoudoing?" "playing ingrandmamaggie's garden." "i don't have shoes on." "it feels nice." "luke,comeback." "come back right now." "comehere,luke." "come. come." "turnitoff." "i turned the chicken halfway through, so it's golden-brown now." "i think it's done." "i took it out." "and i put the brown rice on, so it will be fresh for dinner." "and i did exactly what you said." "i didn't use too much water -- two to one." "exactly." "isthechickenskincrispy?" "it has to make a sound when you poke it." "idon'tthinkit'scrispy like that, luke." "it'snotready,then." "the middle is pink and should not be eaten." "someone could get very sick." "great." "iwillfixthe chicken." "now it's done." "okay." "okay." "paul told me not to mention it, but i have to tell you -- i think your mother is a whore of a person." "ifyoudon'thaveanything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all." "yes,i know,luke." "i'm sorry." "at least i didn't swear, right?" "mm." "youknow,we wenttoseeher after maggie died to see if she'd take you, and i should have punched her in her stupid face for how she's treated you." "sorry." "i did it again." "grandmamaggiesaidthat sara loved me in her own way." "i don't know what way that is." "youknowwhat?" "you should show up and make a scene -- scream and break shit and go all autistic on her." "that's what i'd do." "iwantto seesara." "iguessyou'redecidingwhat  to do with your own life now, anyway, huh?" "your mother works at the jewelry store at the mall." "good luck." "nowthatwe 'veselectedan appropriate test subject, i think the most important thing is gonna be getting personal." "and i'm not talking about, you know, what stupid shoes are you wearing -- i mean intimate." "so you'll have to actually ask questions and engage in conversation." "we should do something about your appearance -- your shoes, your shirt, your hair, your face." "luke!" "noscreaming,please." "itoldyou." "i would require complete dedication!" "don't you care about your next assignment?" "!" "iknowmy nextassignment, zack." "oh,nowyou'rethe expert." "suddenly, after reading only two self-help books, you know more." "i've sorted through hundreds of personnel files to select a perfect scientific companion for you!" "zack,you'reagoodperson, and you're doing a very good job, but i need to do something first." "you can help me, zack." "whatexactlydo youhavein mind?" "yourfrienddoesn'tget out  much, does he?" "zackprefersto avoidhumans, especially neurologically typicals in social settings, but today his scientific curiosity has gotten the better of him." "by the way, isn't it a beautiful day today?" "yes,itis ." "whatthehelliswrongwith you?" "!" "this isn't just your disorder!" "this is you!" "you're a certifiable moron-idiot!" "i could have done better picking a capuchin monkey for my study." "a monkey i could understand, but you -- noscreamingin themall, zack, or the jewelry store." "it's not acceptable." "please control yourself." "don'tyousee?" "this will ruin everything." "this will not be acceptable." "this will set us back." "it will set you back." "hello,mynameisluke ." "isn't it a beautiful day today?" "it'sa shitday,luke!" "you just don't realize it." "you can't smell the stink." "i agree that this bench has a strange smell, but in my experience, bad smells usually pass." "and bathing helps, zack." "takeoffthosestupid glasses." "they make you look way too smart." "theladyat thestoresaid  they made me look sexy." "theydon'tmakeyou look sexy." "you don't look sexy." "you never look sexy, so don't even try." "shesaidtheymademelook sexy without even trying." "i'm ready, zack." "sir?" "sir?" "can i help you find something?" "no.i 'mbusy..." "lookingat this necklace." "well,um,letmeknow ifyou need any help." "i'm john." "mm." "where are you?" "whereissara?" "she was right there, and... wasshehelpingyou ?" "i'm sorry, um, maybe i can help?" "come on." "i bet you're looking for something for that special someone, right?" "my mother is great at picking out the perfect gift." "yes,i wasgoingtoasksara to help me find a present for m" "sara is your mother." "this,yeah,is thefamily business." "sir." "i know i'm young, but you let me in on how much you want to spend, what's the occasion, and i can guarantee you that together, we'll find that special something." "there's no need to be nervous." "youareso tall." "oryoucouldwaitformy mother." "she'll be back from her break in 30 minutes." "mm." "yes." "30 minutes." "you will help me find earrings for maria... sara's son." "okay.perfect." "um, well, uh, we have this piece." "they're gorgeous." "um... luke!" "luke!" "luke!" "you gave it your best shot, but now you need to admit defeat and retreat." "you're not prepared for a non-jewelry-store interaction." "i'm canceling the field test." "i'm in charge, remember?" "i'm leaving, luke." "i won't be part of this madness." "youcanleave." "i'll get home by myself." "don'tyouseehow stressed out i am?" "!" "yes,butthat'snot my concern right now." "there she is." "don'tdothis." "i'm -- i won't stay." "i'm -- i'm going home." "okay." "hi,there." "hello...there." "um,i wasjustleaving." "do you want to sit here?" "oh,youshouldnot leave." "isn't it a beautiful day today?" "kindofwindy." "do you want to join -- cani sitdown?" "youremindme of my son." "he's shy... but cute." "ihavemadehis acquaintance." "youshoppedin my store." "i knew you looked familiar." "johnwasnice." "yes." "i'm proud of him." "you're nervous." "i can tell." "it's an important day, isn't it?" "cani - -canisee whatyou bought?" "she must be very special." "we have similar tastes." "i wouldn't be nervous." "i think you'll be very happy with those earrings." "thatwouldbe verynice." "i need all the help i can get with maria." "howlonghaveyou knownher?" "we'vespokenon two occasions, and i think she's very nice and will like to travel." "you'veneverdated." "ihaveto getajobfirst ." "i'm working on that." "are you happy, sara?" "i don't like to answer that question." "i just look away and talk about the weather." "you can talk about the weather." "isn't it a beautiful day today?" "ineverthoughti'd beable  to speak to you." "you're beautiful." "my family doesn't... john doesn't know." "please don't... please don't tell him." "i'm not ready." "i'm sorry." "i'm sorry." "pleasedon'tgo ." "please don't go." "i don't understand." "i did everything right." "please, i did everything right." "i did everything right." "please don't go." "i did everything right." "please don't go!" "i did everything right." "i did everything right, sara." "please, please, please." "i did everything right." "i did everything right." "please, please." "don't go." "i don't understand!" "i don't understand!" "that was not nice!" "idecidednottocancelthe field test after all." "i'm still in charge, you know." "though you obviously don't know the first thing about scientific procedures." "anyway, i stayed." "that's what friends are for, so i've read somewhere." "i'm glad you got rid of those ridiculous glasses." "yes.metoo." "no more pretending, okay?" "okay." "retard." "idon'tknowwhatcouldbe taking him so long." "i mean, he's -- he's never usually this late." "no,never." "don'tworry." "he knows all the bus routes." "i'dbemoreworriedabout brad." "youknowwhat?" "we should get him a cellphone." "yeah,yeah." "right?" "ithinkyou'reright.yeah ." "he'sprobablybeenpromoted to c.e.o." "he's re-organizing the company as we speak." "right?" "luke." "come in. come in." "whoa." "what's up with the new threads?" "brad." "what?" "ithinkyoulookcool ." "it'slate.iknow." "and i broke some of the house rules." "it'sokay." "i'msorry." "havea seat." "luke, i need to tell you something." "jonas died this afternoon." "we're having a service for him tomorrow." "thankyoufortellingme, uncle paul." "wouldyoulikesomedinner?" "i think my meat loaf came out okay." "no one got sick, anyway." "yes,i amveryhungry." "do i have a booger in my nose?" "or is there something in my teeth?" "no. you're okay, cousin." "mm." "areyousad,luke?" "grandpawasold...and sick." "and he missed maggie very much." "areyousureyou 'reokay?" "i'mverytired." "but i am happy." "youare?" "really?" "whata stupidquestion." "of course he's happy." "just look at him." "is that better, uncle paul?" "you'rea realsmartass ,you  know that?" "yes.i amasmartass." "it'sgoodto haveyou home." "uh,just...bringithere ." "angrybetsy." "sozack'sbeencanned." "the big boss is waiting for you in the conference room." "good luck, kid." "hurry up!" "go!" "comein." "excuse us. thank you." "thank you." "we'll reconvene." "close the door, luke." "have a seat." "so, luke, i'll get straight to the point." "ineedajob ,mr. clickeasy." "i will be a very good worker." "i already know how to use the postage meter and make coffee and file bullshit reports and deliver snail mail." "zack says i'm a very quick learner, and i haven't learned computer shit yet." "i wish i knew what happened to zack, but please don't throw me out." "i haven't asked maria out on a date yet." "areyoudone?" "yes.i 'mdone." "listen,zachary'son hisway  to head my research and development office, and he's going there because of you." "um... he told me... "if that idiot luke can pull what he did, then i don't see why i shouldn't be able to adapt my social-pattern-recognition software to be whored into use as a direct marketing tool."" "he also said i was to give you a job." "and if i didn't, he'd scream." "it's very annoying when zack screams." "yeah,tellme aboutit." "so, luke... would you accept being the new official clickeasy office trainee?" "wouldi learncomputershit as an office trainee?" "oh,it'srequired." "zachary said so." "yes,i accept." "good." "thank you." "doesthismeanihave apaid job?" "somepeoplecanscratchout an existence on what you'll be receiving, but i've heard the benefits are great." "luke, get to work." "yes.thankyou." "cindyandimadelove today." "we haven't had sex in over a year." "i don't know why i'm telling you all this." "but i am." "isitnice...toscrew?" "yes." "it's very nice." "luke." "what are you doing here?" "maria,i haveajob thatpays  real money and gives benefits." "and as you can tell, i am not staring at your breasts, but at your beautiful eyes." "i would like to ask you out on a date... with me... to a restaurant or a movie or a bar." "but i can't drink any alcohol because it makes me act silly." "do you accept, maria?" "um,i 'mgladyoufinallygot the job, luke." "and i like your new hair." "thatdoesnotanswermy question." "i'msorry,luke." "so,i canassumeyou are  declining my offer, then, maria." "yes.sorry." "myrelativestellmethat i'm quite a catch." "so you'll probably regret this... a lot." "mm." "hey." "there's, um -- there's always a next time, right?" "yes.thereis ." "and angry betsy is teaching me to use the internet." "there are 3.2 billion females on this planet." "i only need to find one." "that'sverytrue."