"PUDDLE:" "My first school dance was coming up, and for some reason, Steve was more excited about it than I was." "Lunt, honest opinion." "I think it's creepy that you're chaperoning an eighth grade dance when you're not even a parent." "Yeah, but Emmy is." "She's excited that Puddle has a new boyfriend." "I was asking how my crotch is hanging in this tux." "It's called your inseam, and it's not supposed to hang higher than your goodies." "Well, you'd better let it out, 'cause I might be doing some splits." "Wait, so does Emmy know that you're crashing Puddle's dance with her?" "No, I didn't want to ruin the surprise." "Why is your name on the chaperon list?" "Surprise!" "I thought it would be nice for us to finally go to a dance together." "Oh, I see." "That's what this is about." "Steve, when are you gonna learn?" "There are no do-overs in life." "See, Puddle, this is actually a funny story." "Steve was supposed to take me to my Fall Formal when I was your age, but his father didn't want him to because we weren't rich." "So he caved in like a cheap chocolate Easter bunny." "Well, she's actually not telling it funny, and Easter bunnies are solid chocolate." "All I wanted you to do was to take me to the formal and slow dance with me to More Than Words by Extreme, but I never got to, because..." "STEVE:" "What was I supposed to do, tell my father off?" "He would have just said what he always said." "Oh, I don't have time for this." "That's it, that's what he said." "Stop it, both of you!" "Look, I didn't want to tell you guys, but Lane broke up with me." "What?" "Honey, I'm so sorry." "What happened?" "It was just like you two." "His dad didn't want him to go to the dance with me, because I'm not rich." "(GASPS)" "So just forget about chaperoning, okay?" "It's embarrassing enough having to go by myself." "Boy, do I know exactly how she feels." "Well, it's easier to criticize me now." "I mean, I was the cowardly Tin Man, right?" "But you're the one who should have had the straw to give me the courage to stand up to my father, back when we were in Toto." "Oh, and once again, I'm chasing the man with a pair of pants." "Steven!" "Do you think he's right, Migo?" "Should I have pushed him to stand up to his father?" "I think the important thing to remember is this isn't about you and Steve." "It's about Puddle and that boy, Lane." "Smart, smart, Migo." "Puddle's too young, and Lane doesn't have someone like me in his life." "Maybe it's time he gets a little me." "Or perhaps it is about you after all." "PUDDLE:" "Steve certainly thought it was about him." "And even though he didn't stand up to his own father, he decided to try a do-over by standing up for me to the father of my boyfriend." "I'm not sure you should confront Lane's father." "You barely know him, and..." "No, no, no, no." "Men like Dan Thorngood are all the same." "Cold and distant." "Never once saying, "Thank you, Son."" "Or, "Job well done, Son."" "Or, "Nice tan." "Were you outside today, Son?"" "Well, I was outside today, you bastard." "I was outside from noon until 4:15." "Yeah, Steve." "You ever know any father figures like that?" "How about my father, Migo?" "But this guy's not my father." "I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell Dan Thorngood," ""You can't stand in the way of love."" "And then, bam!" "I'm gonna tell him that I'm gonna have his club membership revoked if he doesn't let me go to the dance with Emmy." "Let his son go to the dance with Puddle." "Exactly." "And just let him try to tell me," ""I don't have time for this."" "Because I don't have time for" ""I don't have time for this."" "Not this time, Dad." "I don't have time for this." "PUDDLE:" "My mom, meanwhile was having a do-over of her own, by pushing Lane to stand up to his dad." "Hey there, Lane." "Come here." "Funny running into you out here." "I just ran out of gas." "Think you could wait with me for a bit?" "It's a Volt." "Even when they run out of gas, they can run on supplemental electric energy for at least..." "Yeah, life makes a lot of promises, doesn't it?" "Come on over here, I don't bite." "I'm glad we ran into each other like this, Lane." "I've got something on my mind, and Puddle would absolutely kill me if she knew I were here doing this." "Well, then maybe you shouldn't do it, Ms. Kadubic." "Well, Lane, the thing is, I missed out on a guy just like you when I was 15." "Because somebody didn't think we belonged together." "Because they thought we were "different" from one another, whatever that means." "And I would hate for you to regret missing out on a really special girl, who I know thinks the world of you." "Your gas gauge says you have a full tank." "Huh." "Oh." "Oh!" "Straight home, I'll be in touch!" "What a great kid." "PUDDLE:" "As my, well, ex-boyfriend raced away from my mother," "Steve went to confront Lane's father," "(KNOCKING ON DOOR) whether the man had time for this or not." "(MUTTERING)" "Come in." "Sit down, please." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Well, I'm Steven..." "Yes, you're Steve Wilde." "You're Puddle Kadubic's father figure, I know." "What can I do for you?" "I'm in the middle of some important business with one of the many private armies I run." "Oh, well, I uh..." "DAN:" "Hey, come on, don't look right at them." "Just please, ignore the guerillas." "Well, Dan." "I also came to tell you something very important." "PUDDLE:" "And so Steve finally had a chance to tell this father what he wished he could have told his own." "You see, Dan, I believe in speaking my mind, especially when it comes to love, because you can't stand in the way of love." "I don't have time for this." "Okay." "PUDDLE:" "Steve was a little shell-shocked after his first encounter with Lane's dad." "Wow, I can't imagine growing up with such an overbearing father." "Yes, I can." "But still, I feel sorry for the kid." "Well, you know what they say about unhappy children." "Of course I do." "The only unhappy child..." "Is the one whose brother..." "Strays too far from the..." "Miller's grasp." "Yes." "Isn't that what happened to you?" "The moment you sit down with that man, he emasculates you." "Oh, Fa'ad, it takes a lot to emasculate me." "I didn't even cry during my last Brazilian." "Nonetheless, you ran away, and now you have a problem." "So perhaps I should talk to the boy's father." "I do do quite an intimidating" "New York thug character." "Oh, not this again." "Yes, I developed him for a film I funded and produced called Gangs of Gangstas." "Detective McNally says hi." "(GRUNTS)" "(CLATTERING)" "I hate you, Mickey." "I hate you so much." "(SCREAMS)" "I love you, Mickey." "I love you so much." "FA'AD:" "Oh, it was the most visceral experience of my life." "But, of course, I did have the world's best acting teacher." "Alan Alda?" "Yes!" "He taught me how to do a New York tough-guy accent." "And I got him for the end of M.A.S.H.  rates." "Still, the film doesn't really seem like his genre." "Well, he did walk off the project, but I think it was more out of envy than spite." "Now, I don't know if your bad acting is the answer to my problems." "No, I need to show Thorngood the same fortitude that the character, Junior had in my one-man play by the same name." "You know what, Daddy?" "This love ain't yours." "No, it be ours." "Well, and this love, we're right here." "And it's so fragile and rare." "Ain't nobody can stop it." "(MOUTHING) Not you, not anyone, not even your damn God." "Bravo!" "No, I don't want to hear a word!" "MIGO:" "Dearest..." "No, you can keep going." "Oh." "That's the character." "You do it." "Oh, yeah, bravo." "Needless to say, the audience was speechless." "PUDDLE:" "They were also mostly black." "(SNIFFING) Ah, I didn't like it." "Did your father enjoy it?" "He never made any of the performances." "Not even the special father-son matinee." "So, you've never felt that paternal kiss of approval." "No, dads don't do that." "Oh yes, they do, yes." "I can still remember mine, the tickle of his moustache, and his breath, reeking of lamb." "Yeah, I never got that." "Still, this Dan guy's not my dad." "He's just some guy who's bullying his son into hurting our Puddle." "No, I may have chickened out, but I'm gonna go back, and I'm going to get this guy kicked out of that country club for reals, if he doesn't back down." "And perhaps New York Mickey will make an appearance when you least expect it." "Oh, I think we're good." "PUDDLE:" "And so Steve once again gathered his courage and headed to the country club to confront Lane's dad." "Listen, I didn't say everything" "I wanted to say to you when I visited you in your office, today." "Maybe it was out of respect for you, because I've seen you here at the club many times, maybe I just felt self-conscious about those guerillas." "Because my message is one of love, and sometimes I feel that's lost on guerillas." "Yes, they are a blunt instrument." "Although they will surprise you around the holidays with an e-card, or a little basket of something." "Yeah, I don't really know anything about that." "My point is, I cared about someone once, but because my father didn't approve," "I let that love slip away." "And now I'm not sure I'm ever going to get it back." "I can't let that happen again." "Don't you understand?" "(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Just as sure as that wind gonna whip through them willow trees..." "I'm gonna stop you right there." "Are you sure?" "I'm like two lines away from the act break." "Boy, you have got guts, haven't you?" "You walk in here, into my club, you barely know me." "And you say stuff like that to me?" "No, you're not my father, you're just..." "I am very impressed with you, young man." "What's this, now?" "PUDDLE:" "And that's when Steve heard something he'd never heard from his real father." "I like you, son." "Thank you for having the courage to come out and say these things to me." "I wasn't even really finished saying all the things I..." "You know, I used to think that you were just some creepy guy at the club whose parents had buckets of money." "But after you came to see me today," "I couldn't stop thinking," ""Wow!" "That Steve Wilde, he's something else."" "I mean, wow!" "Wow, wow, wow." "Uh-huh." "My goodness, Steve Wilde." "Charlie Redpants." "I thought they banned you from coming here after you drank all those gimlets and dry-humped the Regatta Trophy." "Charlie, you mess with him, and you're messing with me and about 400 armed madmen." "Uh, I'm sorry, Dan." "That's right, Charlie." "PUDDLE:" "Even New York Mickey was scared by that." "You and I really should play tennis sometime." "Oh, I doubt you have the time for that." "Oh, of course I do." "You, me, here at the club." "It would be fun." "I would love that." "PUDDLE:" "As Steve abandoned his plan to stand up for me to Dan, my mom was across the way at the club, still working on her plan by going after his son." "Look, Emmy, I only have a couple of minutes, then you really have to leave." "You shouldn't be here." "Okay, okay, Lane." "You don't think of me as low class, do you, Lane?" "I mean, you wouldn't be ashamed to go to dinner with me, even though I'm not rich, would you?" "Not at all." "You're smart and pretty" "Oh." "and you're not even that much taller than me." "You know what?" "You are very mature for your age." "Do you know that?" "(CAR HORN HONKS)" "(GASPS) That's my dad." "You really have to go." "Meet me after school tomorrow, okay?" "Perfect." "Oh, and, Lane," "I do think you're of the age now where maybe some light lip kissing wouldn't be out of the question." "I was just thinking the same thing." "PUDDLE:" "My mom didn't realize the effect she had on men of any age, because Lane thought my mom was his new girlfriend." "Hello, son." "How was your day?" "Good, uh..." "Hey, listen, I can't play tennis tomorrow." "I have a date." "Well, I guess you're getting to the age where you discover that part of your life." "I guess I'm at that age, too." "PUDDLE:" "And Dan, sort of, thought the same thing about Steve." "See, I met someone." "And I think this might be the one." "Steve was getting ready to play tennis with a man who thought they were dating." "There, you're done." "Go have fun with Dan." "What's gotten into you?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Steve." "I'm just a little jealous, is all." "I feel I'm competing with this guy to be your father figure." "Oh, Lunt, you rotting old puff." "Don't be silly." "You're my mother figure." "PUDDLE:" "And at the same time, my mother was getting ready for a picnic with a boy who thought they were dating." "Oh!" "Hey." "Where are you going?" "Hey!" "He's playing tennis with Mr. Thorngood." "Lunt, you gossipy old fishwife." "If you must know, I'm trying to show Dan that he shouldn't get in the way of two people being together." "So before you judge me, just know that I'm doing it for Puddle." "Hey, Emmy, you left the picnic basket that you packed for you and Lane by the stairs." "Migo, you chatty Cathy!" "(SIGHING) I just thought I would push him to stand up for himself." "And I'm doing it for Puddle, too." "Hey, what are you guys doing?" "Uh, nothing." "Just going to the park..." "Just going on a picnic." "To play tennis for Americana Day." "(LAUGHING) Sounds like fun." "I want to go." "It's really an adult thing." "You have to be 54 inches." "It's kind of in the town charter..." "It's sort of a business..." "Along with burning witches." "PUDDLE:" "Yeah!" "They were a lot of help." "Anyway, my mom tried again with Lane." "Only this time, she was more direct." "There's a dance tomorrow, and I think we both know a girl who would very much like to go with you." "Emmy Kadubic, you are going to be the end of me." "PUDDLE:" "Except, if you're going to be direct, don't you think you should use someone's name?" "But, hey, at least she tried." "Steve pretty much abandoned any effort of getting me to the dance." "He was just happy to have a father approve of him." "Whoa!" "Is this yours?" "Yep, '66 Corvette." "God, my dad used to have this car." "He never even trusted me enough to let me touch it." "Well, she looks better when she's clean." "Well..." "We could give her a wash." "Oh, my God." "Steve Wilde, you are gonna wear me out." "(CHUCKLING)" "(I'M SO ATTRACTED TO YOU PLAYING)" "PUDDLE:" "Of course, he didn't really know how to wash a car." "And he sent a really weird message to Dan by trying." "One that went on for a while." "Like, really a long while." "Longer than you'd imagine." "Even though he really wanted to impress his father figure, it was still pretty weird." "I guess Steve also never played water tag with his dad either." "But do people even do that?" "You know, when I told Steve to work on his father issues, this is not what I meant." "Maybe I should go down there and get him to stop." "Don't you do a (BLEEP) thing." "And then my mom and Steve ran into each other." "Get this, feeling great about themselves." "Guess what brilliant woman was able to complete her mission and get Lane back together with Puddle?" "This one." "I was able to convince Lane he shouldn't care what his father thinks, and that he should go to the dance with whoever he wants." "Oh, well, I'm sorry, it was all for naught." "'Cause not only was I able to convince Dan that it's okay for Puddle and Lane to go to the dance together," "I convinced him to come with me so he could be there in person to tell Lane how he feels." "I will believe that when I see it." "Well, then maybe you should come to the dance tomorrow night." "PUDDLE:" "And so my mom finally got the invitation Oh." "Steve's father had once kept her from getting." "Are you asking me?" "Well, I don't know how Dan would feel about that." "I mean, he's picking me up at..." "Never mind." "Lunt, unlock my junior high school dancewear closet!" "PUDDLE:" "And finally, it was the night of the big dance." "I know one girl you're gonna make very, very happy tonight, Lane." "And maybe even kiss." "Maybe." "PUDDLE:" "And all the hot couples were showing up." "Oh, I tell you, Steve, for the first time in my life," "I don't care what any of these people think about me." "I am not gonna be judged by anyone anymore." "Good for you." "Oh, don't look now." "There's that cute Regatta Trophy" "I once dated." "Ooh, awkward." "Oh, Steve Wilde, you're gonna be the death of me." "Well, I hope you don't go dying any time..." "STEVE:" "Huh, so this is what a father's kiss feels like." "PUDDLE:" "But Steve still didn't get what Dan meant." "STEVE:" "Yup, there's the tickle of that moustache." "I really enjoyed that." "Hey, let's hope not too much, huh?" "There are the kids!" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey there!" "Hi, Emmy." "Hi." "Wow, you look great." "Thank you, Steve." "This is my..." "Um, what are we, Dan?" "Well I'm sorry, Steve." "I'm old fashioned." "Uh, we're friends." "Well, it's nice to meet you, Dan." "I think your son has something to say to you." "Lane." "Dad, I..." "Dad, I've been really nervous about bringing this up, but, uh, I would never judge you for who you date." "Really?" "And I hope you would never judge me for who I date." "Oh, of course he wouldn't." "You're right, Son." "Everybody should date and dance with whomever they want." "Thanks, Dad." "Mmm-hmm." "(GASPS) There's Puddle." "LANE:" "I guess it's now or never." "You know, I..." "Whoa!" "Oh, boy, I think this song is for the kids, Dan." "Oh, you let them try to stop us." "I don't think anybody's gonna try to stop us, but I do think it's for the kids." "Shh." "Oh." "Look, Puddle." "I just wanted to tell you something in front of your mom." "Yeah, why is my mom here?" "Go ahead." "I'm breaking up with you." "Emmy and I are in love, and we want to be together." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "Lane, what are you talking about?" "We're not dating." "We're not?" "No, no, no, no." "I was just trying to get you to stand up to your dad so you could get back together with Puddle." "Oh, God." "We never broke up." "I only told you that Lane dumped me so that you and Steve wouldn't embarrass me at the dance." "Wouldn't embarrass me." "Well, this is what happens when you lie, Puddle." "Yeah, so this is my fault." "I wonder what they're talking about." "Oh, who cares?" "Let's not do anything to ruin this moment, Steve." "PUDDLE:" "But Steve's romantic moment was about to be ruined too." "Oh, no." "Even though he didn't know he was having one." "Fa'ad, listen, it's fine." "Because Fa'ad was about to launch into the tough-guy New York accent that Alan Alda had trained him for." "I'll tell you who I am, you big meanie." "I'm with Steve, and I pose a significant danger to you, my friend." "Rather significant." "I should have known it was too good to be true." "You're Steve's boyfriend." "I have been so blind." "Steve's boyfriend?" "Steve's boyfriend?" "Well, that's ludicrous." "It's a preposterous hypothesis." "My boyfriend?" "What do you mean, "Too good to be true"?" "I mean..." "My message is one of love." "We can't stand in the way of love." "I like you, son." "DAN:" "I couldn't stop thinking, "Wow, that Steve Wilde." ""Wow, he is something else."" "Everybody should date and dance with whomever they want." "Well, I'm sorry, Steve, I'm old-fashioned." "We're friends." "You and I should really play tennis sometime." "STEVE:" "Especially when it comes to love." "I really enjoyed that." "You thought we were dating?" "Yes." "Oh, you scoundrel." "Dan, don't be like that, come on." "You keep away from me, with your false kisses!" "Come on, Lane, we're leaving." "You kissed him?" "He..." "Dan, please." "This is absolute nonsense." "Puddle, I am so sorry, I didn't know that he would..." "I was just trying to help." "Can you ever forgive me?" "Excuse me, Puddle?" "I was wondering if you'd like to dance." "Sure." "I forgive you." "PUDDLE:" "I mean, I know I look fickle, but Lane's a boy." "Brad's a tween." "(SIGHS)" "So, what happened with Dan?" "Well, we broke up." "I didn't even really know that we were..." "We broke up." "What about you and Lane?" "He dumped me." "Well, I actually did know that he sort of liked..." "But, yes, he dumped me." "Can't believe I made a 12-year-old fall in love with me." "Wouldn't be the first time." "Guess he and I both go for older women." "Thank you." "I'm only kidding." "You know that I like younger women." "(LAUGHS)" "(MORE THAN WORDS  PLAYING) (GASPS) This is M ore Than Words?" "Yeah, I slipped the DJ a G-note." "I don't know, I thought that maybe we could finally get that dance, but..." "Well, I guess since they're already playing it and everything..." "Really?" "Yeah." "PUDDLE:" "So my mom and Steve were finally going to get what they'd both been wanting for 20 years." "To dance together at the Fall Formal." "(GASPS)" "(DOOR RATTLING)" "Are you (BLEEP) kidding me?" "PUDDLE:" "Well, I suppose they can have another do-over next year." "(LAUGHING)"