"_" "Oh!" "Oh." "Abuelita, give me back my yearbook!" "Your quinces is around the corner, and we need to pick a boy to be your escort." "There's no one in here." "I just..." "Then use your phone and Chapsmat somebody." "You don't understand social media." "Abuelita..." "No, no, no." "Of course I do." "All you have to do is find a boy and twat at him." "I hope you mean "tweet"?" ""Twat," "tweet." Same thing." "Not the same thing, Mami." "Can you guys go fight somewhere else?" "I'm on hold with the VA." "Okay, but Elena has to pick an escort by today!" "Or we will not have enough time to prepare." "But I wanna go to the street fair... and my quinces is two months away!" "Jajaja." "Qué funny!" "We still have to pick the other 14 members of the court." "We have to choreograph the dances." "We have to pick the weakest dancers and put them in the back and put a curtain in front of them." "Elena, pick by the end of the day, or your escort will be Cousin Orencio." "Cousin Orencio smells like a Dorito that died in a pool of Axe body spray." "Good luck getting him out of Tía Mimi's basement." "I'll get him out of Tía Mimi's basement." "Hey, no, don't touch that phone!" "¡Ay!" "Ay, ay, Elena." "Just take the yearbook and pick somebody." "Fine!" "This should be fun!" "Pick whoever you want." "As long as he is a dancer, and he is Cuban, and he is handsome, and I'm coming in." "Hello?" "Ah!" "That's cold, VA." "Ice cold." "Alvarez, let's go!" "There's a street fair downstairs." "Beer, food... this!" "Did you buy that?" "I won it... after spending 40 bucks at the ring toss." "Wait, are you still on hold with the VA?" "No!" "I got right through." "Wait, can I leave this up here for safekeeping?" " Who's gonna steal that?" " Schneider." "Hide it in my mom's room." "Anyway, I can't go." "Today's the day I finally get through to Jolene." "She's my white whale." "My Bigfoot." "My meal cooked by my mother using no pork products of any kind." "Hey, I served." "I get it." "But I try to never deal with the VA." "I stopped calling them about my punctured eardrum." "That seems like a bad plan." "Oh, thanks." "I got it on sale." "I'll see you down..." "Yeah, she can't hear me." "Pain Management Department." "Last name and last four digits of your social..." "Alvarez, 2294..." "Are you... are you..." "Are you... are you there?" "Say something." " Please hold." " Not that!" " Hi." " Hey, Ms. Alvarez." "Hey, guys." "How was baseball?" "Terrible!" "I mean, they played great." "But my snack game was way off!" "The kids barely touched my black olive tapenade." "Thanks for helping out, but maybe next time pick a food a kid would wanna eat... or has heard of." "Yeah, and maybe next time, don't hand out masks with my face on them." "Handsome, but creepy." " Ah..." " What, Mami?" "Your daughter is so dramatic." "No puedo más." "Mami, don't worry, she will pick someone." " ¡Ay!" " You okay, Mom?" "Yeah." "I just need to talk to Jolene and get my shoulder squared away." "Here, take one of your pain pills." "I thought you don't want me to take "las drogas"?" "The pain in your body is real." "The pain in your mind is in your head." " What happened, Ms. Alvarez?" " It's nothing, Finn." "Hey, don't be so modest." "She jacked her shoulder up in Afghanistan, being a hero." ""Hero."" "Kabul, 2004." "I was assisting in surgery when a mortar hit close to the OR." "The blast caused a pallet of surgical gloves to fall on my shoulder." "The last part is not as impressive." "But still, it is a war wound." "Well..." "I thank you for your service, Ms. Alvarez." "Yeah, don't do that." "So can we have some money for the fair?" "Sure." "Grab ten bucks from my purse." "What, papito?" "Well, it's just we need at least 20 to do anything fun." "But it's okay." "We can watch the other kids have a good time." "That sounds great." "You don't even need the ten dollars." "Okay, I get it." "I'll take the ten." "Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Guys, don't go anywhere." "I have kind of an exciting announcement." "Something went terribly wrong in your adult diaper?" "It's athleisure wear." "But the good news is, after months of planning, the members of my college band have finally put aside our differences... and we're reuniting to play at the fair this afternoon." "All right." "Maybe this will entice you." "Nope." "Well, it should, because my band, Full Sail, plays yacht rock." "¿Qué es el yacht rock?" " Mami, don't ask..." " Yacht rock... is like easy listening music, but even easier to listen to." "It's cool, but not too cool." "Soulful, but not too soulful." "I'm excited, but not too excited." "And they paid you for this?" "Oh, no, I had to grease a few palms to make it happen." "So you're paying them?" "I don't want to get into the economics of it." "But this gig is really important to me." "These guys were like family." "I used to show up at their dorm rooms unannounced and just hang out for hours and hours and hours." "I can't imagine what that would feel like." " Hello?" " Guys..." "Yeah, I'm here." "Did you find Jolene?" " Just one more question, ma'am." " Sure." "Anything." "Was that "Phillips" with a "P," or "Fillips" with an "F"?" "What?" "Alvarez!" "With an "A"!" "Hold, please." "Wait, wait." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "No!" "Come on." "Aw!" "Did you know that over 40% of trips to the emergency room are caused by preventable accidents?" "That seems high." "What happened?" "It was a totally preventable accident!" "We were setting up for the show and our keytarist threw a decorative anchor at me." "Okay, I'm sorry you're hurt, but it sounds like I just missed the best part of your show." "This is why Full Sail broke up in the first place." "Too many passionate personalities." "I wanted to open with Toto." "Skip wanted to open with Steely Dan." "Oh, you can't open with the Dan." "They're dangerously smooth." "What are you doing here, Doc?" "Why aren't you at work?" "What?" "Who, me?" "Well... you know, I always love a good street fair." "And... and since you took a half day off of work," "I thought... maybe I should, too." "YOLO!" "It stands for, "You Only Live Once."" "But why didn't you tell me you were gonna be here when I saw you earlier?" "What's with all the questions?" "Is this Castro's Cuba or America?" "You... you know I could take a look at that eye for you myself, but there was a lot of second-hand doobie smoke at that fair and, uh..." "I worry that I may have a bit of a contact high." "Here." "Let me see." "Is that glitter?" "It's called stage sparkle." "Can you please just get it out?" "If I had a magnifying glass, I could probably get it out." "Oh, I have one in my costume trunk." "Halloween box." "Tool kit." "Man's tool kit." "Okay, whatever." "Come on, let's just go." "Quick." "Come on." "Mami, I'm still on hold, so if they pick up, remember..." "Alvarez, 2294." "Remember to self-screen for testicular cancer." "Good advice." "My husband always asked me to check for him." "Daily." "So, um..." "Thanks for inviting me to the fair." "You don't think Penelope suspects that we went together?" "Or am I just paranoid from all that grass?" "I don't want her to think that we were on a date or something." "No, she wouldn't think that." "It'd be ridiculous." "Well, ridiculous is a little strong, but..." "Lydia... you were so wonderful to me at my birthday party." "And I would just be very happy if we could continue whatever this is." "Can I make you a café cubano?" "Sí, por favor." "Rosetta Stone." "Oh, espere." "It's time to take my pills." "Actually, I'm glad you reminded me." "So... here is to Vitamin D." "Vitamin D." "And, uh, estrogen replacement... to keep me young." "For my cholesterol... so I don't die." "What's going on here?" "Nothing!" "We're just taking drugs." "So, uh, how is Schneider doing?" "Hey, guys, I'm heading down." "This yacht rock band is about to be boarded by a pirate." "The sexy kind." "Not the kind that steals music." "Although you can record the show for free." "Just look for the big crowd." "That's the kebab truck." "We're next to that." "We're going too." "Elena?" "When I get back, I'm going to call Cousin Orencio." "Sometimes you have to poke the bear." "Pain Management Department." "Can I help you?" " Alvarez, 2294." " Who are you holding for?" " Jolene." "I'm holding for Jolene." " Transferring you now." "Oh, my God." "It's finally happening." "Okay." "Come on." "Pick up, Jolene." "Pick up." "Maybe you're peeing." "That's okay." "I have to pee, but I'm gonna hold it." "Maybe you're grabbing your four o'clock snack away from your desk." "I'm not here to judge." "You do you at the vending machine, boo-boo." "Answer the damn phone, Jolene!" "Hello?" "Wait." "Who is this?" "Please be a man named Jolene." "No, this is Tad." "But this is Jolene's extension, right?" "No, I think they accidentally transferred you to an empty office." "Well, it's not empty now, 'cause I'm standing here talking to you." "But after I hang up and leave, it'll be empty again." "I just want an appointment with a chiropractor." "I'm Alvarez, 2294." "Can you help me, Tad?" "Slow down." "Let me see what we have here." "Alvarez, 2294." " Oh." " Oh?" "What's "oh"?" "Don't "oh" me, Tad." "Sorry, but you need a referral from your primary care physician." "I have one." "I sent a copy of it to Jolene's office, like, two months ago." "You should probably talk to Jolene, then" "What?" "I know, Tad!" "So, now what?" "Sorry." "Can you fax a new one over?" "Fax it?" "You mean, e-mail it?" "Okay..." "So you want me to get in a time machine and go back to when they used fax machines to send you something that I know for a fact you already have?" "Well, if I had a time machine," "I don't think I'd go back in time" " and fax things." " Oh, my God." "I'd buy a lotto ticket." "Okay, you know what?" "Focus, Tad!" "Okay." "I think the market down the street has a fax machine next to the off-brand candy bars." "After the day I've had, I deserve a Slickers." "¡Elena, ven acá!" " Tad, give me five minutes." " Okay." "I need you to watch the phone while I run out." "Remember..." "Alvarez, 2294." "I know." "If Tad picks up, keep him on the line." "Did you take down a bag and a half of Cheetos?" "Step off, girl." "Hello?" "Abuelita?" "Elena?" "Alex, no one's home." "Your mom just left." "Just grab some pills and let's get out of here." "Yeah, I don't know." "Maybe we should just hang out and play video games?" "Come on, your mom won't even notice." "I heard Shane Lennon sold one of his dad's pills for 20 bucks." "Or I could just take you off the group chat with all of our friends." "The only thing worse than being in a group chat... is not being in a group chat." "Fine, I'll do it." "Great." "I'll stand guard and if I see somebody coming, I'll yell..." ""Tumbleweed." That's our code word." "Why is that the code word?" "I don't know." "Shut up." "No, you shut up." "Having trouble communicating with your family members?" "You could say that." "Feeling like no one understands you?" "Yep." "Losing your appetite due to depression or anxiety?" "Obviously not." "Do you have advice for feeling like the weirdo in your family?" "For explaining that you don't want to pick a boy to be the escort to your quinces, 'cause... you don't even know if you like boys." "Reach out and talk to someone." "Yeah." "That'll go great." "How do I even do that?" ""Hey, Mom, I think I might like girls."" "Damn it!" "What are you doing here?" "Why are you spying on me?" "Tumbleweed." "I'm not even gonna ask about the sword." "What are you doing with Mom's pills?" " I can explain." " Mmm-hmm." "I was stealing them." "Mom is going to kill you." "I mean, quite literally, she is going to kill you." "Resuscitate you, kill you again, and then ground your lifeless body." "I didn't really want to." "It was Finn's idea." "Please don't tell Mom." "I won't, but what's Finn's problem anyway?" "You're gonna let him turn you into a little Latino drug dealer?" "Stereotype much?" "It's not drug dealing." "God." "We were just going to sell pills to get some money." "Oh." "So... did you hear what I was saying while you were back there?" "Nah, that curtain is pretty thick." "You can't say anything to anyone." "It's not that I'm embarrassed." "I'm just not sure." "I promise." "I won't say anything." "Anyway, it doesn't matter." "It's not like you'd be in trouble." "I mean, who cares, right?" "Good brother." "Now I really don't understand what's going on." "Hello?" "Alvarez!" "2294!" "Who are you holding for?" "I don't know, but please don't hang up!" "We gotta keep her talking." " Is this Penelope Alvarez?" " Yes!" "I'm Penelope." "I'm a badass, who served in Afghanistan doing army stuff!" "Hooah!" "And I'm her son, Alex." "I know my mom sounds young, but these days, babies having babies..." "I'm back!" "Thank God." "I was running out of material." "What happened to you?" "I got roughed up pushing through the crowd on the way to the market." "That kebab line is no joke." " Hello?" " Hello, hello?" "Who is this?" "This is Jolene in Pain Management." "Oh, Jolene!" "Oh, my God, Jolene." "Hey, let's go." "It's time for the smooth, summer sounds of Full Sail." "Schneider made me say that." "Wait!" "Let me warm up my voice before the show." "Boo..." "Yep, I'm good." "What happened to Tad?" "Would you like me to transfer you to Tad?" "One moment." "No, no, no!" "No!" "I want you, Jolene." "Can I help you?" "Yes, ma'am." "Oh!" "I'm so excited." "I'm sorry, I don't mean to fangirl out, but you are Jolene." "Yes, I am." "Whoo!" "It has been a trip getting to you, mama." "Okay, so I just want to make an appointment with the chiropractor." " So if you have anything for next week.." " I'm sorry." "You're gonna have to call back on Monday." " Why can't you help me now?" " I have to go." "Okay." "I..." "I don't mean to be difficult." "Still a huge fan." "But isn't the VA open until 5:00?" "It is, but if I don't catch the 4:30 bus, I have to take the 4:45." "So..." "I've been trying to get in contact with you for a month." "You can't take five minutes to help me out?" "Well, you don't understand." "I have to leave." "Well, then, walk me through it, Jolene." "Because I don't understand." "What I do understand is..." "I went to war, I got hurt." "And when I came back, there was supposed be an organization set up to help me and other veterans get the help we need." "So I don't get why it's so hard to make a simple appointment." "And I'm one of the lucky ones." "My husband has bad knees, a bad back and traumatic brain injury." "He's not getting help." "Partly because he's a stubborn ass, but mostly because of this insane process." "And because he's not getting help, he almost did something stupid." "I lost someone in my unit because she did do something stupid." "So, please, enlighten me, Jolene, as to why helping soldiers is less important than you catching your goddamn bus." "Hold, please." "I have set a chiropractor appointment for Alvarez, Penelope, 2294, next Monday at 11:00 a.m. with Dr. Pearl" "Will that work for you, ma'am?" "Yes, that would be great." "Thank you so mu..." "Classic Jolene." "Yeah!" "¡Ay!" "Okay." "That was a bit too much." "Ah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..." "Yeah." "All right." "Ahoy, Echo Parrrk!" "We be Full Sail!" "Boo!" "Come on, Elena!" "♪ It's not in the way that you hold me ♪" "♪ It's not in the way you say you care ♪" "♪ It's not in the way you look Or the things that you say that you do ♪" "♪ Hold the line ♪" "Oh!" "♪ Love isn't always on time ♪"