"Why?" "I don't understand." "is lt something I've done?" "Look, lt's just not gonna work, OK?" "Flve years, you know?" "Flve years!" "I..." "I was drunk." "Oh, we had fun!" "You know?" "We had good times." "To be honest, I don't..." "remember much about lt." "I don't und..." "Just..." "Eugh!" "Glve me a reason!" "You know?" "You think I'm unemotlonal, don't you?" "I can be emotional." "Jesus, I cried like a child at the end of Termlnator 2." "Wlth the thumb and the molten..." "You know?" "is there someone else?" " Sort of." " Don't..." "What!" "My boyfriend." " That bastard!" "I bloody knew lt!" " l'm sorry, I really am." "It was just a bit of fun, you know?" "It just doesn't feel right." "OK?" " Flne." " All right?" "Flne." "Look, there's a bit of change." "Sarah, please!" "Don't do this!" "You can leave your stuff here until you find somewhere else." " l love you!" " (Wlndow slams)" "( Fatboy Slim:" "The Weekend Starts Here)" "Excuse me." "Excuse me!" "Mlnd lf l sit here?" " Er, no, no." " OK." "Thanks." "What you looking for?" "What have you got?" "Hm?" "What have you got?" " No, I mean what are you looking for?" " (Laughs)" "Sorry, I thought you were a drug dealer." " Oh, thanks." " That's all right." " No, I'm flat hunting." " Oh, right." "Yeah." "Oh!" "I was staying with these mates, well, people I'd met ln a squat, I didn't meet them ln a squat, I moved into a squat with them, which was fine..." "Are you interested?" "Anyway, there was this guy, and I didn't really know, well... I suppose... no." "Really what happened was..." " No, rather than confront, I thought..." " Sklp to the end." "So, I'm moving out." "I see." "I hate flat-huntlng." "Yeah." "I do not envy you at all." " Could I borrow that after you?" " Yeah." " Do you mind lf l sit here?" " Oh, no." " Any luck?" " No. lt's early days yet, so... ( Marnl Nlxon:" "Gettlng to know you)" "Gettlng to know you" "Gettlng to know all about you" "Gettlng to like you" "Gettlng to hope you'll like me" " (Slghs) Hl." " Hl." " How's lt going?" " Oh, same as always." " That bad, huh?" " (Slghs)" "( Gettlng to know you)" "(Sobs) I can't do this any more!" "Now... whoa, there, Plckle." "Every morning I wake up and lt's the same." "(Sobs) I buy the paper and I circle them all and I phone them, only to discover they've been taken by a bunch of fucking psychic house-hunters!" " You've only looked at a few." " They've all been cold, infested rat holes." "I'm ln the same boat, you don't see me cry... (Sobs)" "(Both sob alternately)" "Hang on..." "I didn't see that one." ""Spaclous two-bedroom apartment, fully furnished, £90 a week."" " Oh, "professional couple only"." " (Sobs loudly)" "Why?" "!" "Why?" "!" "Why?" "!" " You could always pretend." " What do you mean?" "Well, have you got any homeless male friends?" "(Clears throat)" "Well, I do have one homeless male friend." "(Laughs nervously)" "Who?" "OK." "You were born ln Hlghgate to John and Gllllan Blsley on 1 7th September, 1 97 4." "Rlght." "Your little sister Katle once used all your Batman comics to decorate a cardboard car." "Unable to salvage the comics, you drove the car into a pond, hit your head on the fountain, which ls where you got your scar." "You've got a best friend called Mlke who's a weapons expert." " (Cat meows)" " Yes!" "Er... yeah." "You have a potentially fatal allergy to brazil nuts." "I have no memory of Chrlstmas 1 979." "I've got no memory of Chrlstmas 1 994 either." " Oh, why not?" " l don't know." "You're an aspiring graphic artist and you hope one day to work for...?" " Dark Star Comics." " Dark Star Comics." "Work to date includes a sleeve design for your sister's boyfriend's brother's band." "You supplement the 50 quid you got from that by working ln a comic shop, Fantasy Bazaar." "I'm the assistant manager." " How many people work for you?" " lt's just me and Bllbo." " Who's Bllbo?" " The manager." " You're not a scl-fl nerd?" " No!" "You spend evenings on the Internet discussing symbolism ln the X-Flles?" "Modern science fiction can be interesting." "The speculations of contemporary authors have probably never been closer to the truth." "(Allens giggle)" "Rlght." "Your preferred mode of transport ls skateboarding." "You like music and regularly masturbate over pictures of Gllllan Anderson." " Who told you that?" " lt was a joke!" "FHM voted her sexiest woman ln the world." " What about you?" " l wasn't placed." "You recently split up with your girlfriend who got off with your friend Duane." "He is not my friend!" "Well, we don't need to talk about that." "We can if you want, lt obviously hit you hard." "No!" "You prefer a tlght-legged cotton pant as opposed to the boxer." " ls all this necessary?" " What if we're asked personal questions?" "We're supposed to be a couple." "Do me." "OK." "You were born ln Rlchmond ln 1 975 to Ben and Emlly Stelner." "You have a brother and a sister, older and younger respectively." " You graduated from Klngston Poly..." " Unlverslty." "Whatever, ln 1 996 with a degree ln humanities for whlch you got a third." "Whlch ls fine, what I expected." "Mlchelle from EastEnders got a third." "Anyway lt's not the grade that matters, lt's being there that counts." " Your boyfriend Rlchard ls studying ln Hell." " Hull." "We won't mention him." "You want to be a journalist but you haven't quite tried that yet." "Your best friend's called Twlst and she works ln fashion." "Er... yeah." "You've got no skln-care routine to speak of." "You're scared of mice and spiders but fear they will crossbreed to form an all-powerful race of mlce-splders who will immobilise humans ln giant webs ln order to steal cheese." " l never said that." " lt'd be good, though." "That's lt." " By the way, my name's Dalsy." " l'm Tlm, hl." "Hey!" "What's that for?" "We could do that thing like ln that film with Andle MacDowell and Gérard Depardieu - where they get married so he can get an Amerlcan work permit." "A green card?" " Yeah." "What's lt called?" " l don't know." "That should do lt." "(Whlspers) Flve eight three - this ls lt." "Flve eight three, five eight three." " Flve eight three, five eight three..." " Flve eight three, five eight three... (Buzzer)" " l forgot what you had for your fifth birthday." " Er, miniature drum kit." " (Slghs)" " Hey!" "Hey!" " l don't want to seem too pushy." " All right." " (Buzzer)" " Come on!" "Hello. I'm Marsha." " Hl." "Er, we're a..." " A couple. (Laughs)" "Oh, yeah, lt's really nice." "Yeah, lt's a great flat." "Tlm got a miniature drum kit for his fifth birthday." " You what?" " What's through there?" "Thls ls the guest bedroom, which you can use for storage or utilities, or lf the pair of you want to bring another life into the world." "(Both laugh)" " Yes, perfect for a child." " Very, er..." " Homy." " Homy, yeah, homy. lt's very homy." "What's this?" "(Both scream)" "(Both) We've finished cleaning the cupboard, Mrs Kleln." " Ah." "Dld lt take you long?" " Yes, lt took forever." "(Both) And ever." "And ever." "It's bob-a-job week." "So, what do you both do for a living?" " Journallst." " Graphlc artist." "Ooh, lovely." "You working?" " What?" " Worklng, earning money, cash?" " Yes." "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." " Yes, we are." " We're very..." " Busy." " (Snores)" " For all your comic needs..." "Fantasy Bazaar." " Oh, yeah, we're very, very busy." " Yeah." "Phew!" " We're so busy!" "We don't stop." " l don't sleep." "Ever." "That's an exaggeration but we are very busy." "We don't know what to do with lt." "So, how long you been together?" "(Both) Flve years, eight months, three days." "Well,... you can move ln when you're ready." " Really?" " Yep." "Don't you wanna... see our photos?" "Yeah... (Laughs nervously)" "Come 'ere, you!" "Rlght." "That's lt, guys, I'm off." "I'm outta here!" "I'll probably give you a call about bills and stuff." "Ooh!" "We haven't got a phone, so..." "Well, that's lt, I'm off, I'm going." "Bye." "Bye!" "Bye!" "Bye!" "Bye!" "Bye!" "Bye!" "Slr!" "It's yours." "Thanks." "Rlght." "Do you have a phone number ln case I need to contact you about bills?" "l-l'm not sure, Dalsy's sorting that out." " Dalsy?" " Yeah." " Who's Dalsy?" " The girl I'm moving ln with." "What do you mean?" "When did you meet her?" " About two weeks ago." " And you're about to move ln with her?" "Yeah." "You've got no right to be upset." "You're the one that ended this, you're the one seeing someone else." "I've got to get on with my life." "I'm sorry lf that upsets you, lt's the way lt ls." "You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation ln front of me whilst riding some other donkey." "You know?" "I'm moving on, Sarah." "If you don't like that, that's too bad." " Do you love her?" " What?" "Do you love her?" "No, of course I don't love her, I love you!" "Nobody could ever love you as much as I do." "OK." "(Dutch accent) Hey!" "Crazy-looklng naked girl with no nipples, what are you doin' here?" "!" "Cover yourself up, love." "Come on, cover yourself up." " (Banglng)" " Tlm?" "(Heartbeat)" "Tlm?" "(Screams)" "Argh!" "Oh!" " What are you doing?" " Hl, Tlm..." "Oh!" "I was just cleaning and, erm..." "Dld you see the..." "Cos I changed the table..." "Anyway..." "You don't like lt, do you?" "I heard a noise and I thought lt was you cos l was talking to myself..." "BT called and we've been connected." "So, do you want a tea?" "You know, I like this room, lt's lovely." "I like the..." "I like what you've done." "Do you want a cup of tea?" " What noise?" " l heard a noise, I thought I'd have a look." " Yeah, so..." "Dld I tell you about BT?" " Yeah, we've been connected." " Just investigating." " Playlng Scooby Doo?" "Yeah. I was always Daphne when I was little." "Who were you?" "Freddy, obviously." "Freddy." "Yeah." "Now look at us." "( Ghostly chords)" "Thls guy's called the Bear, he's like a mutant." "He's essentially a nice guy but he's driven to violence by the society he inhabits." " Rlght." "Who's that, then?" " That's Doktor Mandrake." " Doctor Mandrake." " Dok-tor Mandrake, lt's got a K ln lt." "He's a mad scientist." "He invented this steroid called oxypheromalkahyde." "He tested lt on this orphan kid but lt didn't work, did lt?" "So he chucked out his research, chucked the kid out onto the street, but when the kid reached puberty, the dormant oxypheromalkahyde interrupted DNA coding and he mutated into the Bear." "Doktor Mandrake has dedicated his life to capturing the Bear to rediscover the effects of oxypheromalkahyde." "So, why didn't the doctor just make the oxypoxydrln again?" "Well,... because he'd invented lt by accident, didn't he?" "These mutants are mistakes he's made as he's tried to recreate the serum." " Llke, see, that guy's got a really big head." " Oh." " So, do you like my comic?" " Yeah." "Yeah." "That reminds me, I was talking to Marsha about the rubbish." "There's a door that opens onto the back yard, so we have to take lt to the basement." "I'll take those bin bags out, then, shall I?" " Do you want another cup of tea?" " No, thanks." "Twelve's my limit." "(Door creaks)" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello." " Dalsy, this ls Brlan." " Oh, hl!" "Do you rent downstairs?" " Do you mean am I gay?" " What?" "Do you mean am I gay?" "No, no, I meant are you renting the downstairs flat?" "Oh, right." "Yep, sort of." " Are you gay?" " What?" " Are you gay?" " No." "All right." "Would you like a glass of wine or something?" "Yeah, I can't stay long." "And he invited me back to stay with his family ln Istanbul and I didn't like to say no." "But his sisters kept me ln the house all day." "They made me eat green eggs and watch Turklsh television." "So I had to escape through the window ln the small toilet." "Hopefully, I'll get some publishers interested." " What do you do, Brlan?" " An artist." "I'm an artist." " Oh!" "What kind of thing do you do?" " Anger." " ( Hardcore punk)" " Aarrgghh!" "Paln." " ( Screechy violins)" " Ow!" "Fear." " ( Eerle chimes) - (Chatters) Ohh." "Aggresslon." "(Tlcklng)" " Watercolours or... ?" " lt's a bit more complex than that." " Tlm does cartoons." " lt's a little bit more complex than that." "Processlng concept into substance and trying to create a string of independent forms." "Llke sausages?" "I see contemporary art as a dirty plate heaped with worthless junk food and I want something more nourishing." "Llke sausages?" "(Door slams)" "(Volces above)" "(Footsteps on stairs)" " What's that?" " (Door slams and car starts)" " That's..." "Amber, Marsha's daughter." " (Knock on door)" "Marsha." "Don't ask her lf she wants to talk about lt." "It was the fucking dog." "It was like the dog was some kind of replacement." "He used to let her sleep ln the bed, actually ln the bed." "Sometlmes I used to wonder." "Anyway, eventually I had to say "lt ls the dog or me."" " (Tlm snores)" " And he chose the dog." "Bltch." " (Phone rings)" " Ahh!" "Sarah!" " Sarah?" " Sarah!" "I'm here." "I'm here, lt's OK." "Hls pet name for me." "Hm." "Where does that come from?" "My ex-glrlfrlend." "Hello?" " lt's me, Rlchard." " Oh, hello." "I got your phone number from your mum." "How's lt going?" "Oh, lt's fine, you know, good, thanks." " What's the flat like?" " Erm, very nice." "Cool." "Llsten, I've been thinking, wondering about that Tlm guy you've moved ln with." "Yes!" "(Whlspers) Look, I can't really talk now." "There's some people here." "OK?" "Oh, OK." " (Amerlcan accent) I love you, Dalsy Duke!" " l love you, too, Boss Hogg." " l can't hear you!" " l love you, too, Boss Hogg." " Bye." " 'Bye.'" "(Dalsy sighs)" "That was, er,..." "Boss Hogg." " How long have you been together?" " (Both) Flve years, eight months, three days." "That's what you said two days ago." "Shlt!" "It's at times like this I wish I was telepathic." "Don't you, Tlm?" "Oh, damn!" " Dalsy and me have two anniversaries." " OK." "Dalsy takes lt from when we kissed, I take lt from the first time we were physically intimate." " Oh, that's sweet!" " (Laugh nervously)" "Whose ls lt today?" " lt's Dalsy's." " Mlne." "So you had sex before you kissed?" "Shlt!" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Happy anniversary." "Well, good night." "Are you gonna keep the table here?" "Cos I always think lt works better by the window." "It's up to you though, innit?" "It's your flat now." "Yes!" " Nlght, Brlan." " Nlght." " Are you and Mar..." " Sh!" "(Footsteps on stairs)" "Nlght." "Thanks, see you later." "That was close." "You're telling me." "Well,... didn't get much unpacking done, did we?" "No." " Ooh!" "Well..." " Well!" "(Laughs nervously)" " Well, well, well." " Well, well, well, well, well." " Good night." " Oh, OK." "Nlght." " Off to beddy-byes." " Yeah. (Laughs)" " Well done to that." " (Yawns loudly)" " l'm knackered." " Me too." " So, good night." " Good night." "(Both laugh nervously)" " OK." "Nlght." " OK, well..." "You..." "Good night."