"Thank you for babysitting for Silvia, you guys." "She'll probably wake up at around 11:00." "And if she does, give her a bottle." "Do not breastfeed her." "I won't." "That better not be vodka." "No." "It's not all vodka." "There's ice in here too." "Give me that." "Ugh." "That's water." "Why are you drinking water?" "!" "Because it's 11:00 in the morning." "You're stoned." "Well, you call me at the last minute." "It's why I brought my girls." "Well, I'm off." "You pay attention, OK?" "Keep an eye on her." "I wish I could go to Bible study with you some time." "I love the old testament." "God was so strict." "But I think he had to be at first so everyone would know he means business." "Thank you for explaining my religion to me, you strange, flightless bird." "Goodbye." "Wait, wait, wait." "Sloane, you didn't respond to my email." "What do you want me to do for you for your birthday?" "My laundry." "Come on." "It's your 35th." "We have to do something." "Well, I don't want to do anything." "I want to actually sit back, relax, maybe take a bubble bath, listen to some Wilson Phillips." "That does not sound relaxing unless you're on, like, Quaaludes." "Listen, I want you to just do my laundry, OK?" "But don't mix my delicates with yours." "And you know why." "All right, well," "I guess we have to figure out what to do for her ourselves." "She just said she doesn't want anything." "Yeah, she says that." "But she doesn't mean it." "Somebody does something nice, and then she loves it." "Like, for her 30th, her husband got a limo to take all of us to Atlantic city." " Oh, how was it?" " It was awesome." "I got penetrated by a guy who made saltwater taffy." "Did Sloane have fun?" "Have you not seen her husband?" "Oh, I never thought I'd say this, but he's even more handsome than G.I. Joe." "Yeah, and Chris is in Afghanistan." "So I can't leave her alone on her birthday." "Well, she'll have the baby." "Yeah, but if the only person she sees on her birthday just screams, eats, and poops," "I might as well just leave her with my dad." "Oh, I could bake her a really nice cake." "I have an app on my phone with a bunch of great recipes." "That's perfect." "OK." "We'll have some light appetizers, like, cocktails wieners, um, Dee Dee's cake, and then we'll invite some of her church friends." "It'll be like a surprise." "[Gasps] Can we get a stripper." "What do you think I meant by "cocktail wieners"?" "Hey, Todd, I had a dream about Chelsea last night." "Yeah, so picture this." "I'm in the middle of the ocean, right, in a kayak." "And I hook something on the end of my line." "So I'm reeling it in, and I'm reeling it in." "And I finally pull it out, and it's a turtle with Chelsea's face on it." "Well, you know, turtles are a big part of the creation myth." "And water usually represents our emotions and feelings." "So you obviously want to sleep with Chelsea in a kayak." "Right, OK." "Even if that's true." "I'm not going to go there." "I mean, Chelsea's, like, one of my best friends." "You know, if anything, I think that dream was telling me that it's never going to work out, you know?" "'Cause man and turtle..." "I mean, that's incompatible, right?" "It depends." "Did the turtle have Chelsea's long, blond hair?" "Or was it just Chelsea's face on a regular turtle head?" "Oh, yeah, 'cause I'd totally have sex with a turtle as long as it had long, blond hair." "I hear you, buddy." " Hi, dad." " What you girls looking at?" "Male strippers." "Now that I can understand." "These two knuckleheads are talking about screwing turtles." "I acted like I was cool with it, because I didn't want to hurt their feelings." "Who's the stripper for?" "For Sloane, for her birthday." "Your sister's a very religious girl." "I say you go with the one that looks like a manscapped Jesus." "We'll figure it out." "And it's a surprise, so don't blab." "I mean it, dad." "Did you know Sloane was always your mother's favorite?" "What?" "!" "Exactly." "Because I don't blab." "Oh, I think Sloane would like this one..." "Danny." "Clean cut, all American." "He does fireman, cop, soldier." "Ooh!" "And a discount for military wives." "Smart marketing." "Here are those family albums you were looking for." "Oh, cool." "Are there any cute ones of us in here?" "Nah, you girls always insisted on cutting your own hair." "So every picture you look like Rachel Maddow." "Hey, Rick, want to help me with something?" "Yes, he does." "Ask him, Chelsea." "Don't retreat into your shell." "Ha ha." "Yeah, what do you need, Chels?" "I wanted to make a little movie for Sloane's birthday with, like, old photos and videos." "What are you doing tomorrow night?" "Well, sounds like I'm helping you with a little movie." " Sweet." " Weren't you going kayaking?" "No!" "Who the hell would go kayaking in new Jersey?" "Oh, I know." "A pervert looking for turtles!" "Look at you." "Chelsea, how old were you in this picture?" "6." "Ah." "And that's Olivia, huh?" "Wow, you guys look like you're up to no good." "Yeah." "We had this club called the kissing girls." "We used to chase all the boys around the yard, pin them down to the ground, and then kiss them while they screamed." "Not every woman finds her go-to move at age 6." "Oh, look!" "There's me in my Halloween costume." "Oh, look!" "You're a teenage mutant ninja... turtle." "[Silvia fussing]" "Oh, the baby's awake." "Let's get some cute footage before Sloane gets back." "Man, why do they always fuss when you put the camera on them?" "You know, I think she just wants to be held." "Careful!" "She's my favorite person in the world who's peed on me." "Chels, I was the oldest in an Irish catholic family, all right?" "It's like having a degree in drinking, guilt, and babies." "Sloane was the oldest girl in our family." "You know, she practically raised me." "She was like a bitchy teen mom who's only goal was that" "I not become a teen mom." "How you doing, Silvia?" "Why are men so sickeningly cute when they play with babies?" " Oh, you think I'm cute." " Hell yeah." "You should bring her to a club." "You'd rack up some nba-level ass." "Hey, dad." "Bad news, sweetie," "Sloane does not want a surprise party." "What?" "!" "How'd she find out?" "I told her." "Dad, you told her?" "!" "To throw her off the scent so she wouldn't suspect." "Suspect what you just told her?" "!" "Why would she?" "I just told her." "Dad, are you trying to skew everything so I don't get mad at you?" "Yes." "But you won't suspect it, because I just told you." "You're just lucky I told your sister, because that girl does "not" want to have a party." "Yeah, but Sloane always does stuff for me." "I want to do something for her." "Well, she said..." "and I quote..." ""I want to do absolutely nothing."" "OK." "If that's what she wants to do, then we will do nothing." "And don't say anything, because it's going to be a surprise." "I won't tell her." "And this time I really won't." "Because I have no idea what the hell you're talking about." "Surprise!" "Ohh..." "You're so lucky that my husband hides his rifle in our bedroom." "I know you said you wanted to do nothing on your birthday." "So we are here to be the official do-nothing police." "[Imitates siren] Pull over and sit on the couch!" "Ow!" "I have things to do today." "Tabloids, salami, cookie dough." "Garlic chicken." "Wait, there's more." "Windex, 409, tidy bowl." "I'm going to clean your house." "Really?" "And, Sloane, I'm going to take Silvia for the day so you can just relax as long as you'd like." "OK?" "Uh, the responsible mother in me thinks that's a bad idea." "But the mother in me that smells like old, dried breast milk thinks it's just fine." "Go ahead." "Dee Dee:" "Aw..." "It's the cutest thing I've ever seen." "And I once made a tuxedo for a squirrel who lived in my backyard." "You guys have a great day, OK?" "Come on, Silvia," "I'm going to take you clubbing." "Yeah." "You're going to be my wing baby." "I'm just kidding, Sloane." "It's OK." "Take her wherever you want." "OK." "Let me take a shower so I can get ready for this." " No." "No, no, no." " None of us have showered." "This is do nothing day." "And we take it very, very seriously." "Well, I know you take that very seriously." "But I don't just sit around and do nothing all the time." "OK?" "Look away." "Oh!" "Ooh!" "OK." "Now salami." "Ugh." "All right." "Now cookie dough." "Now tequila." "Oh, that's good." "That's even better than the tequila, the cookie dough and then the salami." "Mm-hmm." "This is fun." "Sloane, it's 'cause you're drunk." "I know." "This is how Olivia and I live our lives every day." " OK." "The slideshow's cued up." " Oh, press "play."" "Oh, my God!" "You made a slideshow?" "I love it!" "I love that!" "I love you, Olivia, even though I don't like you." "And I really love you, Dee Dee." "You remind me of Alice from "the Brady bunch", but minus all the sexual tension." "I wasn't allowed to watch "the Brady bunch."" "My dad was racist." "Is that you and Sloane?" "Where were your parents?" "Laughing their asses off." "Oh, look!" "It's my man." "Oh, hi honey!" "I miss you." "Hi!" "Oh, he hasn't even seen our daughter yet." "Can you believe that?" "He hasn't seen how perfect and beautiful she is." "Oh, what's that smell?" "Is that me or did something die in the wall?" " Oh, that's all you." " Oh." "Hmm." "Nobody ever tells you when you're a mother that you're never going to be able to take another shower again." "I used to be fresh and clean in all the special areas." "I don't have time to get manicures or pedicures." "The bottom of my feet are, like, scaly." "They look like a lizard or something out of "Jurassic park."" "Ooh!" "You could pick up a trout with those." "I know." "Ever since Chris got deployed," "I haven't had time to do anything." "I haven't waxed my area." "I mean, when I'm naked I just look like" "I'm riding a standard poodle bareback." "Not that you're making me uncomfortable, but isn't this onesie adorable?" "[High voice] Hi, I'm a dancing baby!" "Hee hee hee." "Isn't my niece cute?" "And isn't Rick cute when he holds her?" "Oh, man." "I think I just shot an egg in my pants." "[Cell phone ringing]" "Hello." " Chelsea, it's Chris." " Oh, my God!" "Hey!" "Don't tell Sloane it's me." "Who is it?" "Uh, my pot dealer." "Where are you?" "Atlanta." "Listen, I want to surprise Sloane for her birthday." "My tour just ended, but she doesn't know." "I'm going to be there in 4 hours." "4 hours?" "I'm going to see if I can catch the salami with my toe claws." "Ow." "I got to take a quick nap." "OK?" "Wake me up when it's over." "Can you make sure that Sloane is at home when I get there?" "I cannot wait to see my new baby and my beautiful wife." "You're not going to believe this." "But she has gotten even more beautiful." "All right, Chris is going to be here in 4 hours." "Oh, pretty!" "Yet not enough, Olivia." "Sloane is going to kill me if Chris sees her like this." "Sloane, wake up." "[Mutters]" "Oh, crap." "Well, we got to get her showered and, like, do her hair." "And then do her other hair." "Yeah." "I'm not going anywhere near my sister's other hair." "Dee Dee, you like tidying up." "Oh, no." "I could never get that close to another girl's baby manger." "OK." "Well, we're going to need professionals." "OK." "I'll drive." "OK." "My sister drank too much and her husband is coming back from Afghanistan." "We have to make her look beautiful, and we only have a few hours." "[Slavic accent] So you drug her and sell her to rich Saudi man?" "We're not lying." "Her husband really is coming home from the war." "Yeah, but if she wakes up, don't tell her." "She doesn't know." "You pay me Cash, I help you load her on the plane." "Hey there." "How you doing?" "What's going on here?" "Why is my Pikachu throbbing?" "Because I make it pretty." "You're getting a spa treatment." "That's part of your surprise." "No!" "You said we were going to do nothing." "Well, now we're taking a family photo." "A... that's why you wax me?" "What kind of family photo are we taking?" "And what are you scrubbing me with?" "That hurts." "There is no beauty without bother, Devchonka." "Are you Russian?" "Yes." "And so are you judging by your black forest." "I want to go home." "No." "We've got pretty clothes for you!" "No, no, no." "I want my clothes." "I want my underwear and my sweatpants that are big and blousy." "I don't want anything fancy." "Oh, no." "Those had to go bye-bye." " Why?" "!" " They actually walked away." "Come on, it's your birthday!" "It's your birthday?" "I have special treatment for you." "Flip over." "OK, now you just brush your teeth and you're done." "Get away from me." "If you put that in my mouth, I will bite your face." "OK." "I'm going to say this as delicately as I know how." "Your mouth smells like an entirely different hole." "Hey, Sloane, take a sip of this and it'll make you feel better." "Thank you, Dee Dee." "Mm-hmm." "Oh, that's mouthwash." "Oh." "OK, I'm going to leave the tongue scraper right here." "You are going to look beautiful for the family photo." "I hate my family." "Thank God." "You're sobering up." "It's not funny." "This is one of the worst birthdays I've ever had." "All I asked you to do was do nothing, and you're not even capable of that." "You're right." "I suck." "You do suck." "You suck at a lot of things." "[Knocking at door]" "You know what?" "The surprise isn't going to suck." "Are you ready to be really, really happy?" "Ta-da!" "Happy birthday, honey!" "I got you a sweater and some wrapping paper if you want to make it more of a to-do." "Yay." "Well, good to see you too." "Chelsea, you might just be my new favorite." "Really, dad?" "Don't kiss ass." "It's not attractive." "[Knocking at door]" "OK." "Get ready to be blown away." "Come on in." "Hi, everybody." "Oh, great." "My baby's back." "I don't know what it is." "But I just realized what an adorable young man Rick is." "I thought Sloane's husband was coming." "[Knocking at door]" "This has got to be him." "Come in!" "Good evening, ladies." "Who the hell is that?" "Sloane Bradley, the commandant of the marine corps has entrusted me to express his deep regret..." "Oh, no!" "No!" "No!" "That you are way too sexy for a man to keep his clothes on." "The marine corps sent a stripper to tell Sloane her husband's dead?" "!" "Why?" "Why would you do this?" "Why would you do this?" "OK." "That's enough." "You can stop." "That's enough." "Slow down, tiger." "All right." "Birthday girl gets the first slice of cake." "Sloane?" "Chris?" "Oh, my God!" "What are you doing home?" "Hi!" "I'm so happy you're here." "And you're safe." "Is that our little girl?" "Yeah!" "Yeah." "Look." "Look who's here." "Hi." "Hi, Silvia." "I'm your daddy." "It's nice to meet you." "Yeah." "Hi." "Oh, wow." "She's beautiful." " I know." " She's just like her mother." "Surprise." "Could somebody hand me my tearaway pants?" "Man, I've never seen you this emotional." "Well, come on." "That was, like, the sweetest thing I've ever seen." "Yeah." "Soldiers and babies and strippers." "It's like a hallmark card." "Sloane was really surprised." "Yeah." "I did good, huh?" "You did great." "So, what about you?" "You like being surprised?" "It never works on me." "I always figure it out." "And then I have to pretend to be surprised." "Whoa." "Dude, are you kidding me?" "I'm sorry." "I just thought..." "Oh, and Sloane." "I'm taking Silvia." "So you can just relax all day." "Uh, the responsible mother in me thinks that's a bad idea." "But the mother in me that reeks of breast milk thinks that's fine." "Hi, beautiful."