"Wait till y'all see this, this is huge." "If you xeroxed your butt again, I'm not interested." "Uncle Phil, wait till you see this bill." "Lisa spent $1200 on a bed." "I hope it comes with a canopy because at that price, it's the only roof we'll have over our heads." "Well, get used to it, Will." "You're about to marry and you know how women are." "No, Philip, how are we?" "Fine." "And you?" "I'm telling you, it's not like Lisa to spend this kind of money." "I'm telling you, she's possessed." "It's like some evil force has taken over her mind." "Something not of this Earth." "Hi, everyone." "Is Lisa here yet?" "We're going shopping again today." "Ah!" "Excuse me." "Hey, what's up, bro?" "How you doing?" "Looking for my cousin, she works on the next set." "She's the host of the Hilary Banks Show." "What's her name?" "Cleopatra Jones." "Cleopatra Jones." "Brother, look, she's tall, light-skinned sister." "She drives a red Maserati." "Oh, dag, that's your cousin?" "She's fine." "She's right over there." "Thank you." "Hey, tell Cleopatra Reggie said, "What's up?"" "MAN [ON PA]:" "Cameras and audio, stand by, please." "Hey, Hil, what's up?" "Look, I'm in a little bit of a bind here." "Now, I found Lisa's engagement ring, but I don't get paid until Thursday." "I was wondering, could you lend me a couple of hundred for the deposit?" "HILARY:" "I think I'm gonna faint." "[HILARY GIGGLES]" "All right, but while you're down, can I get some dough out your wallet?" "Hi." "Hilary Banks, right?" "[HILARY GIGGLES]" "I'm pretty sure he's talking to you." "I see you around here a lot." "You like our show?" "I can't take my eyes off it." "Can I touch it?" "INA:" "Places, everybody." "JERRY:" "People, work like you're being paid." "One more scene and we're home." "What a fabulous butt." "You know, it gets me around." "INA:" "Please, and we're counting in five, four, three, two..." "The police think I killed Carlos." "But on the night he was killed, you were here with me, painting my portrait." "You can give me an alibi." "I'll go to the police now." "All right, but be careful." "The roads are so icy." "Don't worry, I'll be fine." "Royce I owe you my life." "INA:" "We're clear." "Get rid of that kid, Jerry." "I think he's a pretty good actor." "Well, who cares?" "I'm the star, and I say replace him." "Hey, you can't treat an actor like that." "What do you think he is, a writer?" "WILL:" "Okay, please." "Hil, I gotta be honest, I kind of agree with her." "I mean, come on, man, the dude's a brother and he ain't supposed to be like, "I'm looking for a Julius Caesar salad. "" "I mean, come on, man, you know, he got to be down here, you know." "Hey, look, baby, you need the cops, we don't need to go down the station." "All I got to do is walk out your front door carrying your TV, you know, okay, man." "Who in the hell is this?" "Our new Royce." "Hire him, Jerry." "Now." "Huh?" "You're not gonna believe what happened." "I've got some great news." "You're moving out?" " Even better." " I'm moving out?" "VIVIAN:" "I can't wait to hear your great news, honey." " Listen..." " I'm gonna have to." "Troy and I are working late on our book tonight." " Troy?" " Mm-hm." "Professor T. Johnson is a Troy?" " What did you think the T stood for?" " I was hoping Thelma." "Bye-bye, everybody." " Bye, Mom." " Love you, Mom." "Can we get back to moi, please?" "I got a part on that soap opera, Now and Forever." "Oh, please." "They hired you somebody who's never acted in his life, to star in a network TV show." "Pppt." "Well, it happens." "Uncle Phil, I'm telling you, my money troubles are over." "I need you to check out my contract." "Man, I ain't seen so many zeros since Carlton's square dance recital." "Hardy har, hello." "What a sense of humor." "And you don't think this guy has talent." "You know, you're going to the top, Will." "But you're overlooking one small thing." "What?" "You mean beside that little chocolate Tic Tac you call your head?" "Ha, ha." "Killing me." "He's killing me." "Ha, ha." "But, seriously, Will, you know, you're going to need management." " Someone to look out for you." "Someone to..." " Take 10 percent." "Why, I'd love to." "Will, aren't you nervous about acting?" "I mean, that show's done live." "Nervous?" "What are you talking about?" "I'm a natural." "I can do this part in my sleep." "[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]" "Do I play a convincing coma victim or what?" "Well, you're no Sunny Von Bulow." "Ha, ha, ha." "Look, laugh if you want to but tomorrow, I'm coming out of my coma." " You're actually gonna speak?" " Right, I called all my boys in Philly." "They're gonna watch it on a big-screen TV." "I just hope that Sears lets them stay for the whole show." "You still want me to help you learn your lines?" "Oh, yeah, and I'll help you into the kitchen." "Oh, you know, ever since I bought her this big old ring..." "[WILL GRUNTING] ...she have a hard time walking without falling over." "Come on, baby." " Hi, Daddy." " Hi, baby." " Wanna see Will's show?" "We have it on tape." " No, soap operas don't interest me." "Oh, this one's hot, Daddy." "See, Joan was having an affair with Carlos right behind her husband's back." "Not that they were in the same room or anything." "Joan lied, told her husband she'd been working late at the office writing her memoirs." "That reminds me, Mrs. Banks called to say she'll be working late again with Professor Johnson at her office writing her book." "Jody, I can't believe my eyes." "Please, come closer." "Oh, Royce, I'll never leave you again." "Tell me you love me." "I love you." "Hey!" "What you doing?" "That wasn't in my script." "Well, that kiss wasn't in mine." "Oh, well, come on, baby." "That was a ad-lib." "All us good actors do it." "That ain't personal." "I might as well be kissing Flavor Flav, gold teeth and all." "Will, the only person I want you kissing on is me." "Whoa, hey, hey, hey, now, come on, baby, be fair." "The only reason I even took this job was to put that ring on your finger and to make you happy." "So if I have to crawl into bed with 10 beautiful woman that's just a sacrifice I'm gonna have to make." "INA:" "All right, people, places." "Coming back from commercial in 10 seconds." "Excuse me, but I can't flush the commode." "C, it's a prop." "Nice seeing you again, Joan." "JERRY:" "I need show energy, people." "Okay, stand by, Ina, and counting." "INA [ON SPEAKERS]:" "Coming in five, four, three, two..." "Oh, Royce, thank God you're conscious." "Now you can confirm my alibi." "But first, there's someone here who can't wait another moment to see you." "Not..." " Not..." " That's right." "Jody." "Hello, sleepyhead." "I'll leave you two alone." "You have a lot of catching up to do." "No, wait." "Jody I can't believe my eyes." "Please, come closer." "Royce..." "Royce, tell me you love me." "I love you." "Royce, I don't blame you for being angry with me, I don't." "But I promise, I'll never leave you alone again." "[MAKES SQUEAKY NOISE]" "I can't tell you how that makes me feel." "PHILIP:" "Okay, sweetheart, bye-bye." "I don't believe it." "Vivian's working late with the professor again." "Do you realize she has missed dinner every night this week?" "And yet, inexplicably, we've had no leftovers." "Can I ask you a question?" "If you were a woman would you find me attractive?" "Nope." "Well, now, I know this is gonna sound absurd but I think Vivian and the professor are having..." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Uh..." "Oh, sir, surely not." "The two of them have absolutely nothing in common." "Why, he's 15 years her junior." "Whatever would they do together?" "Hey, baby, you know, I've been thinking." "You know, I'm gonna quit." "I know how uncomfortable the love scenes make you." "They don't make me uncomfortable." "Oh, sure they do." "[MUMBLING]" "Will, that was before you explained it to me." "I believe you said, and I quote:" ""I might as well be kissing Flavor Flav. "" "But, of course, that was when Flavor Flav was a woman." "Hey, look here, man." "That ain't got nothing to do with it." "Besides, ain't you got something to do?" "No, sadly, this is the high point of my day." "That and coming up with names for my Chia Pet." "What do you think of Larry?" "La-la-la Larry." "Larry." "[LISA LAUGHS]" "Look, babe, the truth is, I'm just not that good an actor." "Well, you seem like you're doing a pretty good job to me right now." "Oh, baby, I'm sorry." "Don't worry, you're gonna do just fine." "You know what?" "You're right, I am." "Thanks a lot, babe, I feel a whole lot better." "I'm gonna go out there and knock them dead." " Bye." " I'll see you later." "Carlton, please get me off the show." "Are you insane?" "If you quit, you don't get paid." "But what's most important is, I don't get paid." "Look, the only way you can leave and still get the money is if they fire you." "Carlton, sometimes, man, I just wanna hug you." "Oh..." "But this ain't one of them times." "MAN [ON TV]:" "Now and Forever will be right back after these messages." "Master William's scene is next." "I must say, it is exciting watching him on the telly." "I guess, but it's true what they say, being on TV does add 10 pounds." "So does watching it." "Will, isn't this rewrite great?" " Oh, I haven't read it yet." " Will, are you crazy?" "Do you realize you're live on air in 60 seconds?" "Oh, yep, yep." "INA:" "Places, people." "JERRY:" "Okay, people, one more scene and we're on the freeway." "Oh, my God." "Ina, get that damn midget manager off my set." "Doesn't he know those stairs go nowhere?" " Get ready to count." " In five, four, three, two..." "To freedom." "I'll drink to that." "Royce, if it wasn't for you, I'd be in prison right now." "I should be the happiest woman alive." "[WHIMPERS]" "You still miss Carlos, don't you?" "More than I can say." "I know how you feel." "I know you do." "You love Jody so very much." "Actually, uh..." "We..." "We broke up." "Nobody panic, nobody panic." "She's a pro, she'll get the kid back." "Uh, don't you mean that you, uh...?" "That you, uh..." "You thought about breaking up, but decided against it and now your love is stronger than ever?" "No, no, like I told you, we broke up." "You wanna dance?" "Come on." "Oh, don't be silly, darling." "Any minute, my husband's gonna come through that door." " Now can we panic?" " Cue dough boy." "I don't care if he's not ready, get him in there now, now, now!" "I said, any minute now my husband is going to walk through that door and say..." "Where are we?" "Derek, darling, what a surprise." "What are you doing here so early?" "I don't know." "Sure you do." "You came here to give her something." "Remember?" "Ah, yes." "I'm sorry it had to end this way, my dear." "If only my little plot to frame you had worked." "You mean, you killed Carlos?" "No, that was me." "That's right, I shot Carlos." "And that's not all." "I'm the one who shot J.R. too." "And I shot the sheriff." "But I did not shoot the deputy." "Do you ever wanna work in this town again?" "Painting portraits?" "No." "But you see, I'm young and I'm restless." "I only got one life to live so I got to follow my guiding light and search for tomorrow." "Follow him, camera four." "I don't care if he goes to the commissary." "Hey, who knows if I'll wind up living out the days of my life in a mansion in Dallas on the comer of Melrose Place drinking Falcon Crest out of a brown paper bag." "Royce, don't you care about anybody but yourself?" "Sure I do." "I care about you." "It's not because of those expensive clothes or your fancy jewelry." "That big Zsa Zsa wig you've be wearing." "I love you for who you are." "Who you really are." "The bald and the beautiful." "Isn't this great?" "I told Daddy the soaps aren't predictable." "Got that right." "[JOAN SHRIEKING]" "MAN:" "Tune in tomorrow for another episode of Now and Forever." "INA:" "We're clear." "What the hell do you think you were doing?" "I want him fired, Jerry." "Fired!" "Now, wait a minute, hey." "If I get fired, you still got to give me mine." " Ain't that right, C?" "CARLTON:" "That's right." "I demand you give my client what's coming to him." "Oh, I'd be glad to." "[THUMP]" "Sir, this is a letter to Mrs. Banks from him." "Oh, just go for it, sir." "I'll swear it came that way." " "Dear Vivian... "" " Good Lord." "Oh, I can't believe it either." "He called her "dear. "" " Philip, are you reading my mail?" "PHILIP:" "Hm?" "It didn't come this way." "So now you know." "Philip, I didn't want you to find out this way." "What were you gonna do?" "Throw me a surprise party?" "No, but I wanted to be with you when you read it." ""To the most important person in my life my beloved husband, Philip whose support and patience have made this book possible." "I love you always, Vivian. "" "You dedicated your book to me." "Of course, sweetheart." "Who else was I going to dedicate it to?" "Professor Johnson?" "That noodle-neck kid stomps on my last nerve." " I love you." " Aw." "WILL:" "Hey, hey, Uncle Phil, Aunt Viv." "Get a room." "Interesting performance, Master William." "I haven't seen such a disaster on the telly since they cancelled Manimal." "Well, I got paid, didn't I?" "I'm gonna just sob all the way to the bank." "You know what I'm saying?" "[WILL  CARLTON FEIGNS CRYING]" "Oh, Will, it's too bad you won't get a chance to work with Halle Barry." "Please tell me you meant Chuck Berry." "Well, it's all here in Soap Opera News." "Apparently you or whatever lucky devil will be playing Royce..." "According to this, Royce is moving in with Miss Berry next week." " Didn't you get your script?" " Ah!" "I knew there was something I forgot." "Head start, coming in five, four, three, two..." "[WILL SCREAMING]"