"Hey, sniggles." "Glad you're home." "I made you some lemon chicken." " Yeah?" "Good, I'm starving." " Good." "Raymond, I saw the car." "Are you hungry?" "Marie, I already made him some lemon chicken." "But you knowhowhe loves my spaghetti and meatballs." "Go ahead." "If you want spaghetti and meatballs, go ahead." "No, the lemon chicken." "I'm eating the lemon chicken." "Look, you could just eat whatever you want, 'cause I can wrap this up for later." "What, nobody cares, right?" "Give me the meatballs." " There." " Great." "Debra, sit down, there's plenty." "Here, let me get rid of that for you." "Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra... my 6-year-old daughter and twin 2-year-old boys." "My parents... live across the street." "That's right." "And my brother lives with them." "Now, not every family would defy gravity for you... but mine would because..." "Everybody loves Raymond." "Hey, you didn't..." "How's it going on Mt." "Everest?" "Anybody die yet?" "Just go watch your sports, okay?" "Why, what did I do?" "What?" "You picked your mom's spaghetti and meatballs over my lemon chicken." "Wait a minute." "You said, "Have whatever you want. "" "I know." "It's just..." "I don't know." "Forget it." "It's stupid." "Just forget it, okay?" "What the hell is wrong with my lemon chicken?" "Nothing." "It's fine." ""Fine?" God, why didn't you just come out and say it?" "You hate my cooking." "No, I don't." "Come on, you're very..." "Since when do you care so much about cooking?" "I don't." "My mother cares about cooking." "I don't care about it." " All right." "Then why are we talking about it?" " Because I care about it, okay?" "I don't want to care about it." "It's just..." "It's the one thing that I'm sensitive about." "The one thing?" "All right, the big thing." "Look, all I'm saying is that... given everything that I do around here, why do I care so much... that I can't make spaghetti and meatballs for my husband as good as his mother?" "Because you're a good wife." "Don't you ever call me that again." "What are you doing putting back an empty thing?" "That's not empty." "There's some left there." "Two drops?" "Who's going to drink two drops ofjuice?" "I am." "All right." "Let me pour you a nice glass ofjuice." "Say when." "Right there's perfect!" "That was good." "I think I'll save the rest for later." "Hey, here's your pot." " You hungry?" " No." "You got any more of those meatballs?" " I'll make you a sandwich." " Yeah." "Let me ask you something." "How do you make those meatballs?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, you know, I know there's meat and there's balling... but what do you put in it?" "Is there like a recipe or something?" "I stopped using a recipe years ago." "I cook from here." "And you nag from here." "Hey, how about a sandwich for me?" "Here." "You can wash it down with that." "Really, what do you do?" "Do you put oregano in it..." "All of a sudden, you want to know how to cook." "What's wrong with you?" "It's not for me." "I want to get the recipe for Debra." "What are you saying, Raymond... that Debra wants to learn my way of cooking spaghetti and meatballs for you?" "I think, yeah." "That's wonderful." "All right." "So give me the recipe, then." "Oh, no, she can't learn from a recipe." "I'll have to go over there and showher." "No." "No show." "No showing." "Come on." "Just give me the recipe." "I'll give it to her." "That's nonsense." "I'd love to showher." "Go tell her that we're gonna spend the whole afternoon together." " Today?" " Yeah, of course." "Good." "That'll give me time to finish my sandwich." "Hey, Baby Bop." "You know, listen, I was thinking about what you said last night." "What if we just asked my mother... to come over and show you how to make those meatballs?" "Whatever." "That way, you would feel better because you knowhow to do it... and that's better, right?" "What if she just comes over and just shows you how to do it?" "What do you think about that?" "That would be horrible." " Oh, boy." " What?" "Hi, dear." "I'm so glad you want help." "I'm a good person." "Really, I am." "Well, here's your official Marie Barone spaghetti and meatballs kit." "Marie Barone included." "Good luck." "You know, Marie, you don't have to go to all this trouble." "Yes, but Ray tells me that this is something you really want to learn." "Yeah, I'm sure he told you that." "I'm sure he would love for me to cook like you." "Sure he would love for me to be you." "Well, let's start with the meatballs and see how far we get." "Look, Ma, maybe this isn't a good time." "No, Ray, you want me to learn how to cook?" "I'm gonna learn how to cook." "I'll go watch the ball game with Robert, and then, if you need me..." "Okay." "You're in Craptown, huh?" "Meet the Mayor." "All right." "To make the perfect meatball, the most important ingredient is the love." "Without the love, it's just a ball of meat." "Ball of meat." "This is the most essential thing." "Without this, you can't do anything." " Okay." "How much do I put in?" " It depends on how much is left, dear." "All right, Marie." " There." " Good." "Okay, do your stuff." "I'm watching." "No, I'm here for you, but you're the cook." " No." " Honey, I know you can do it." "I don't know." "Now, honey, meat is nothing to be afraid of." " Okay." " All right." "Stand back, lady." "I'm going in." "Now what do you call this again?" "All right." " Wow!" "Yeah, they're good!" " Yes?" "I mean, no, they're good." "They're really good." "Thank you." "I made them myself." "Your mom talked me through them, but I made them." "And you know what?" "She was really great about it." "We really had fun." "Fun with my mother?" "Well, that's great, and this is great." " Good." " They're great." "Come on, kids, dinner." "We're having mommy's meatballs." "You did it." "Wow!" "Maybe I sauteed the garlic too long." "Was that the weird taste?" "Come on, look, we went over this 10 times, and remember what we decided?" "I don't care." "Come on, how bad were they?" "They're not bad." "They're different from my mother's." "That's all." "You know what?" "They might even be better." "Better?" "You spit them out!" "All right." "Okay." "Look, maybe you got the recipe wrong, okay?" "That's all." "How could I get the recipe wrong?" "She was right there with me." "Well, maybe my mother forgot to tell you something you were supposed to put in it." "Yeah, maybe she forgot." "Or, maybe..." "What?" "Yeah, maybe she..." " No." " No, Ray?" "You don't think it's possible that she deliberately sabotaged my meatballs?" "Do you hear yourself?" "Are you listening to yourself?" "This is the same woman who walked into my Thanksgiving dinner with her own turkey." " That's 'cause you made fish." " You told me you liked the fish!" "All right, look, okay, listen to me." "I know cooking is the one thing that you're sensitive about, okay?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "But this is crazy... crazy stuff here, okay?" "There's no conspiracy." "No, listen." "The meatballs are not exactly like my mother's." "And I'm saying to you:" "We have a house." "We have a car." "Our student loans are paid off." "You should be able to sleep!" "Good night!" "You're right." "I'm sorry." "Good night." "Hello." "Just want to return a spoon." " Debra?" " Robert." " Problem?" " Oh, no." "I was just returning this spoon." "And I didn't know where your mother kept it, so I was just looking around." "Right here." "Okay." "Great." "Thanks." "Good night." "Debra." "Were you really here just for the spoon?" "'Cause, you know, I've dealt with my fair share of break-ins... and I have to tell you, it's never the spoon." "Well, all right." "Actually, I just wanted to take a look at your mom's meatball recipe... 'cause I tried to make them and..." "Yeah, I heard your meatballs stink." "No, they don't stink." "That's not the word on the street." "I just want to make them perfect." "Did you ever want to get something just perfect?" "Sure, like when you wash your car keys." " Yeah." " You ever smell your keys?" "Robert, could you do me a favor?" "Could you just show me where your mom keeps the recipes?" "I just wanted to see if I jotted it down correctly." "You want me to give you my mom's recipe?" "Please, Robert?" "I mean, I can't explain it." "I just feel like second best." "Second best?" "I can explain it to you." "All right." "I think I know where she keeps them." "Okay." "Here it is." "The box." " I don't think this is the right box." " Oh, no." "This is the box." "This is where she keeps her stuff for when she, you know." "Oh, my God." "It's recipes." "Stuffed shells." "Steak Pizzaiola." "Yeah, Ray loves the pizzaiola." "And Eggplant Parmesan." " Meatballs." " There you go." "Okay." "Let's see." "Oh, no." "What?" "It's exactly the same." "This is exactly what she told me." " That's good, isn't it?" " Yeah, it's great." "The only thing different is me." "Come on, Deb." "You just need some practice, that's all." "Hey, it took me a long time to get my keys to smell right." "Now what?" "You're running away to cooking school?" "Nope." "I'm packing up your mother's stuff." "I can't cook." "I shouldn't have tried." " What are you talking about?" " I saw the recipe." " What?" " Yes, Ray." "I snuck over there." "I saw the hatbox, I found the recipe, and they're exactly the same." " You went over there?" " Yes." " Tonight?" " Yes!" "And now I know that I can't cook, so I'm giving up." "'Cause I don't have the love." "You snuck over there?" "You went through her things?" "I got to tell you something, okay?" "Say what you want about my mother." ""Oh, your mother!" Yeah, my mother." "My mother came over here and spent the whole day... showing you how to make the meatballs." "That's my mother." "Debra?" " Ray, what is this?" " What?" "This bottle of basil your mother gave me has another label underneath." "Tarragon." "Tarragon." "That's your weird taste." "That's not in the recipe, is it?" "No!" "Oh, my God." "Okay, Ray?" "That's your mother!" "I don't get it." "Do you still think she's trying to help me?" "Why would she go to all that trouble?" "Isn't it easier to leave out an ingredient?" "For an amateur!" "My God!" "This even looks like basil!" "Look at the label." "It fits perfectly on here." "My God!" "You know, this is the work of an evil genius!" " I don't get it." " You know what I don't get?" "I don't get that you couldn't see my side in this!" "You're so busy defending your saint of a mother... that you make me out to be some kind of ungrateful nutcase!" "Well, who's the nutcase now, Ray?" "Who's the nutcase now?" "Raymond, what happened?" "Why did you call?" "Is everybody okay?" " Yeah." " You hungry?" "No." "Then what's wrong?" "This, Ma." "What is this?" "This is a jar of tarragon." "Why?" "Just stop, all right?" "'Cause we know." "We know all about it." "This is very bad, Mom." "How did you find out?" "Your fake label came off." "Damn glue stick." "You know, Debra's right." "I don't stick up for her enough." "I always give you the benefit of the doubt 'cause I don't wanna upset you... and you pull something like this." "Do you know what you did?" "Do you knowhow crazy you drove Debra?" "I didn't mean to make her crazy." "I just wanted her to try to make the meatballs, faiI, and give up." "That way, everything would stay right." "Right?" "What makes that right?" "You have a problem, Ma!" "Okay, I have a problem, but let me ask you something, Raymond." "Would you come over here so much if I didn't make food for you?" "Yeah!" "I'd come over... for other things." "What other things?" "These special moments." "Raymond, I'm your mother." "I used to do everything for you." "And then, like, I blinked, and you grew up." "What do I do for you anymore?" "I mean, what's left?" "My food!" "Okay, Mom, it's very good food... but, no, you can't do this." "I know it was wrong... but Debra asked for my recipes and I panicked." "I'll understand if you don't want to come over anymore." "I'm gonna come over more." "I wanted you to see what you did to Debra." "I'm sorry." "I know it was wrong." "I'll talk to her." "She's pretty mad, Ma." "Don't worry, because she's a mother, too." "She'll understand." "Yeah." "You want something to eat?" "All right." "That son of a bitch." "So you see, dear." "This is a list of who gets what when I, you know." "And here's you." "You were gonna get all the recipes anyway." "I just wanted to wait till I was gone before I was replaced." " Can you understand?" " I understand." "So here they all are." "Oh, boy." "Can you forgive me?" "Will I be able to make meatballs as good as yours?" " Yes." " Okay, I forgive you." " All right." " Okay." " Use them in good health." " All right." " That's nice." "Isn't that nice?" " Hey, where's the Steak Pizzaiola?"