"I'm not sick but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell..." "You know, Jez," "I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked." "You know?" "Everything's fucked." "I fucked my wedding." "I fucked up my only relationship." "Everything's just completely fucked." "You have been feeling this for a while." "But now I'm starting to think that maybe that's a good thing, cos now I can get on and do everything I've always wanted to do - join MENSA, learn the clarinet." " I could be a Scout leader." " Mm-hm." "What are you smiling for?" "Look, Scouting is a noble tradition." "You do not have to be a paedo to wanna work with children, all right?" "Oh, God, that is..." "I spent five happy years in the Scouts and never once..." "You told me Kinky Layton was all over you." "Yeah, all right, Layton was a bit of a paedo, but not in a bad way." "Just boosting you over the climbing wall, making you run round the camp in your pants." "It was old style paedo-ing, before it got such a bad name." "DOORBELL RINGS" "'Layton only had eyes for Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed flirt. '" "'Who's this?" "And Sophie's dad." "'Angry, tweedy father!" "This is a chain-on scenario. '" "Hello?" "Hi, Jeremy, it's... it's Barney." "Sophie's cousin." "Remember?" "From the wedding?" "Not really." "We went to the car park and we smoked that dope that I bought..." " That turned out not to be dope." " Oh, right." "Hi." "We've dropped Sophe off, she's going back to work tomorrow." "Is this gonna take long?" "Oh, no, no, they just wanted me to deliver this to Mark." "It's just the tuna from the wedding." "It's Mark's half." "Come on, Barney, let's go." "Anyway, I remembered that you were in a band, and basically, I've been doing a little bit of my own music." "Maybe you could take a listen and tell me what you think?" "OK, well, thanks." "Good to see you..." "Barney!" "Thanks, Jeremy!" "'Mmm." "Why toast when you can roast?" "'" "Another roast?" "That's the third today." " What's nicer than a roast?" " Yeah, but chain-eating roast?" " Who was that?" " Sophie's dad, and her cousin, Barney." "Barney?" "It's the wedding tuna." "Your half." "Oh, what?" "Really?" "Heartbreak tuna?" "Oh, no, Jez, just bin it!" "Not literally, there's no need to be overly dramatic." "Freeze it." "See how I feel in six months." " They came all this way for the tuna?" " They were dropping Sophie off." " She's going back to work tomorrow." " Sophie's going back to work?" "!" "That's outside the terms of the treaty!" "Six weeks!" "Six weeks till we go back!" "This isn't six weeks, this is three!" "Shit!" "I've gotta get in there to stop her lies." "What lies?" "That I jilted her at the altar." "Right, technically..." "I'm on your side, but, technically, that's not a lie." "I did not jilt her." "Technically, I married her." "Well, maybe, but I think what sticks in everyone's memory is the bit where you jilted her." "Oh, shit!" "If you think that, what's everyone else gonna think?" "Oh, God!" "I've gotta get in there." "If she wants a PR war, she can have a PR war." "I'll Mandelson her!" "Nobody wanted New Labour, but now we all now how it works." "'Walking into the jaws of death." "'Gotta go past Sophie's desk." "What am I gonna say?" "'Please save me, Jesus!" "'I'll believe in you if you save me now." "The other way!" "'She's looking the other way." "Thank you, Jesus!" "'Although it was 50/50 which way she'd be looking." "'Might need a bit more to start believing." "'Oh, the gossip mill." "That's right, stare at Hess." "'Throw fruit at Hess, pacing his prison yard." "Hmm..." "'Piggin' tea break." "'Cup of pigging' tea and work out my piggin' campaign strategy." "'Oh, knickers!" "Here we go, Lisa!" "'She's not saying anything!" "Brilliant!" "Good old English reserve. '" "Erm, Mark, I just wanna say, about the wedding and everything..." "I think you're a real piece of shit." "Oh..." "OK..." "'That's fair." "Lisa is a very fair person. '" "DANCE MUSIC PLAYS" "What do you think?" "This is raw." "Who is this?" "Is this us?" "It's a simple shit-muncher." "Sophie's cousin." "Shit!" "He's done something there, ain't he?" "How do you do that?" "I think that what's happening is two or maybe three different musical things all at the same time." "This is the kinda thing we should be doing." "Complicated shit." "Complicated shit like this - wouldn't that be against the big beat manifesto?" " You read the big beat manifesto?" " Did we write it down?" "The big beat manifesto goes, "Big beats are the best, get high all the time. "" "Right." "At the time, it felt like a much more all-encompassing philosophy." "Can we have this?" "Can we use it?" "Listening to this, it did make me think." "Lately, I've been having some ideas, and this is exactly the sort of thing that I was thinking of doing." " He's nicked your idea?" " Has he?" "That's what I'm wondering." "Nicked my idea and then done it back to me." "We should invite him down." "We could teach this kid a thing or two." "Until he arrives, shall we send this out to promoters?" "Yeah." "This is the best example of the stuff we do, we've ever had." "Oh, yeah, cos sometimes it's really hard actually to do your own ideas." "'OK, grab your nuts, Corrigan." "'First contact." "'There she is." "Sophie." "Should I go over?" "'Forget the spin war?" "Apologise?" "Stab myself with a fork?" "'They only have plastic." "'Oh, crying!" "Yes, nice" "'That'll play well with the floating voters." "Nice tears, Goebbels!" "'Her and her mates will probably start handing out vicious cartoons 'of me as a rodent in a top hat, and everyone'll think it's hilarious, 'until a mob comes round and smashes my shop window." "'At least I've got off the roast wagon." "Oh, God!" "There she goes!" "'This is a public relations nightmare!" "'Where do I sit?" "This must be what it's like being a nonce in prison. '" "Erm..." "Hello." "Is it OK if I go here?" "'Please don't call me a piece of shit. '" "Sure, whatever." "I'm Debbie, but everyone calls me Dobby." "Are you new?" "I don't think I've seen you here before, have I?" "I'm the IT misfit, the man with no name!" "I'm in and out - Kettering, Croydon, Aberdeen." "Oh, right." "I'm Mark, but you've probably heard of me under some other abusive name." "No, why?" "Oh, no, just..." "Everyone abuses everyone now, don't they?" ""Fuck off." "Fuck off, you wanker. "" "It's supposed to be funny, but of course it's not." "Wow!" "You... you carry personal cheese?" "Is that allowed?" " I'm a smoker." "I need man-Cheddar." " Right." "If you like, you could..." "'If I was seen sharing cheese with a woman, it could be misinterpreted." "'My approval rating would drop through the floor." "It looks like she gnaws it. '" "I'm fine." "I think if I ate anything with any flavour in this room my body would probably spasm due to shock!" "Right!" "Yeah." "Oh, by the way, is it possible to easily put a block on a couple of e-mail addresses?" "Why, what you been getting?" "Oh, nothing, just some crap." ""You're a piece of shit, shitter." "Stuff your bollocks up your gob. "" "It's just mates, and that." ""Fuck off and shut up and die. "" "Yeah." "They're..." "They're pretty funny." "Arseholes." "OK, Jeff, Lisa, Paul - their e-mails are going to junk." "You can check 'em if you want." "Plus, I've put an auto reply offering them to come and sit on your hairy dick." " Joke." " Oh!" "'That's a good joke!" "She's nice." "She's being nice!" "I'm pathetically grateful!" "'Maybe I should ask her out for a drink." "'She is a floating voter, plus she's weirdly attractive." "'No, don't go there, Clinton!" "'" "Oh, wow, this is your room!" "This is so cool!" "'Think I've found someone to do my hoovering. '" "These your jeans?" "These your actual jeans?" "Look, this is what I'd look like wearing your jeans." ""Hi, I'm Jeremy." "I've got loads of girlfriends and hash." "Look at my jeans!"" "Yeah, that is a bit like me." "Here we go." "Just typed up a little contract on Professor Yaffle's computer." "A contract?" "Yeah." "It's a standard procedure for a new band member." "Right." "Maybe I should just show that to my dad's solicitor?" "No!" "No, no." "Sign it, and we can talk about it later." "Before you sign it, it's all a lot of waffle." "Hey..." "Barney?" "Is it?" "What are you doing here?" "What's going on?" "Barney's staying over for a bit." "He's joined the band." "What?" "Actually, these guys were saying they wouldn't mind some cheese McCoy's." "Do you want me to get you anything from the shop?" "No, I think I'm fine, actually." "While you're down there, how about some Ribena and a Twirl?" "OK." "McCoy's, Ribena and Twirl." "I'll go grab my jacket." "Jeremy, he's Sophie's cousin, for God's sake!" " You're sleeping with the enemy!" " Oh, relax, Mark, it's fine!" "Mark, they want me to sign this contract." "Should I sign it?" "Not even sure where you'd sign it." "Is that meant to be a dotted line?" "Who drew this up?" "A lot of these aren't proper sentences." "It's legalese, all right?" "Keep your beak out." "Look, Mark, we heard today we've got a spot at the Fuck Bunker." "The Fuck Bunker?" "Yes." "And we've got a AR man coming, so we need to have a contract." "Everything nice and tied down, yeah?" "Right, fine, I don't give a shit." "Looks good to me, Barney." "Go for it, dude" "Cool." "McCoy's, Ribena and a Twirl." "McCoy's, Ribena and a Twirl." "McCoy's, Ribena and a Twirl..." "He's not sucking you off, is he?" "No, of course he isn't!" "Probably would." "You've to be careful, asking someone to get you a Twirl who'd also suck you off." "'Still... 'blow job and a Twirl. '" "'Got the nod, the mark of the human." "'I'm a human, you're a human." "What else is there to say?" "'" "Hi, Mark." "Nice to see you." "Dobby, likewise." "There's meant to be a bunch of USB sticks here, but..." "'God, there's an atmosphere." "'Sexual tension?" "Or just misfit scared of sexual tension?" "'" "DOOR CLOSES Ooh, er!" "'Oh, no!" "This is a disciplinary hearing waiting to happen. '" " Oh, I can't reach." "Could you?" " Er, yeah, sure." "Erm, you'll..." " You'll have to... move." " Yeah, I should move, but..." "I might not move." "'Ls she shifting her bum against my area?" "'" "Er, are you, are you... sure you don't wanna get out of the way?" "I'm all right." "'What if someone comes in?" "Should step away." "'Step away from the bum." "'Bit impolite to step away." "I don't want to step away. '" " I've got some feta today." " Oh, feta?" "Er, that's a sheep's cheese, isn't it?" " I don't know." " Yeah, yeah, I believe so..." "Or..." "Or goat's..." "'This is possibly the most exciting thing 'that has happened to anyone ever!" "'Does she know what she's doing?" "'Ls she just innocently waggling her bum around 'and I'm getting illegal benefit?" "I'm not doing a sexual assault, am I?" "'You can't do a sexual assault if you stay still, like a statue." "'I'm just a statue." "'A dirty, filthy statue!" "'Oh, God!" "I'm getting very..." "Captain Corrigan is flying without a licence!" "'Oh, Jesus!" "It's too much." "I'm gonna blow my beans!" "'I'm gonna do a Chesil Beach!" "'Don't let her know!" "'" " Ah, ah!" " Are you OK?" "I'm fine, er, but..." "Sorry..." "I should be going, cos, you know, the world turns on its axis." "One man works while another relaxes." "Ah, Post-Its." "Bye." "'Er, did she notice?" "'Should have stayed for at least a snog, 'but my interest level just dropped straight off." "'God, it's soggy down there!" "It's gonna start chafing." "'Need to clean up." "Need to get out." "'Shit!" "Elaine and Michael." "They'll probably wanna talk quarterly sales." "'Fire exit." "Could bust out here and out into the car park." "'Fuck!" "'" " Hey, it's the wedding crasher!" " Hello, you two." "'Oh, she's smoking a joint with her ex, when we should be newlyweds, 'remorselessly working our way through The Lovers' Guide. '" "Hi, Sophe, how are you?" "How are you... feeling?" "Well, I want to give things another go." "You do?" "No, of course I fucking don't!" "THEY LAUGH" "Oh, that was funny, though." " We should talk about divorce options." " Yeah, maybe not... 'while I'm in spermy pants and you're high. '... here." "Whatever, Mark." "Run away again." "I'm having a laugh - a-hah!" " so I don't really give a toss." "What you doing out here, anyway, Mark?" "And what's that on your trousers?" "'Oh, God!" "It's seeping through!" "'" "Have you... pissed yourself?" "Er..." "Yeah." "Yeah, I did a little bit of wee on myself, so..." "THEY GIGGLE" "You twat!" "THEY LAUGH" "'Oh, yeah, they can laugh, but I win because they think I pissed myself!" "'They've no clue I came all in my pants!" "'" "Ahem!" "Anything?" "Can I have a sandwich?" "Oh, dude, what?" "Come on." "We need more tracks for the gig." "Good ones." "I know, but it's hard to be creative when you're hungry." "How long can it take to come up with three minutes of music?" "Six minutes, max." "That's being generous." "That's two minutes per minute." "Can I have an apple?" " Do you think I'm made of apples?" "All right." "You can have a poppadom." "You can have one poppadom and a bit of chutney." "Cool, thanks." "'I'm so generous." "I'm like a techno-Ghandi. '" "Oi, was thinking about what Mark said the other day about Barney?" " Bet you would, wouldn't you?" " What?" "Suck one of us off." "No, no." "I wouldn't." "What if we said you couldn't be in the band unless you sucked one of us off?" "No!" "No, I wouldn't." "You had to think twice, though, didn't you?" "No, I didn't, honestly." "Which one of us, then?" "If you had to pick, which one would you pick?" "Go on!" "If you had to?" "All right, OK, I guess, then, if I had to pick..." " It would be Super Hans." " I knew you would." "Who wouldn't?" "You'd suck Super Hans off?" "That is so funny." "'Screw them!" "'I'll just keep trying to suck myself off." "I'll get there eventually. '" "'Dobby, my cupboard lover." "Stationery sex queen." "'I can't ask her out, I'll be dead in the PR water." "'Oh, don't think about it." "'Just drink buckets of tea." "'Piggin' tea break!" "' "Oops, butterfingers, your clumsy wife!" She has gone beyond now." "'That is too much." "That is way over the line." "'Maybe I'll stick it back to Harpenden, Harpenden, Harpenden, 'see how she likes that!" "'" "'No, can't we leave the mugs out of it?" "'Even the Mob never hit the families. '" "So it's true." "I heard about the rumours but I couldn't believe it." "I'm so sorry about your mug, Mark." "So you know Sophie's behaviour's become unacceptable." "I've instructed her to take a break." "She'll spend time with her parents..." "in the country." "Right." "Wow!" "'Oh, my God!" "This is piggin' massive." "'I've won the spin war. '" "Would you like to?" "Smash it?" "Er, thank you, but no." "Very well." "I can't believe I let this happen on my watch." "'Right, Dobby." "Who cares what people think?" "'I'm back, baby." "The bitch is back. '" "Hey, Dobs!" "I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the Fuck Bunker..." " Is that the stationery cupboard?" " No!" "God, no!" "No, no..." "It's a venue." "My mate's playing a gig down there on Friday, and I thought it might be to cool to swing by and check it out." "Your mate's playing a gig." "Check it out." "Mark, you're not trying to pretend you're a normal human being, are you?" "'She's the one!" "Oh, Dobby, let me chew on your weird hair!" "'" "'I wonder if the AR guy's here yet." "'Which one could he be?" "'Could be him." "Perfect cover." "'Or her." "'Or her." "Lot of women here." "'Hmm." "Women, there they are, walking around, and they've all got them - 'under their clothes, hiding there, but I know the secret." "'Vaginas." "'She's got one." "'She's got one." "'She's got one." "'She's definitely got one. '" "'She's trying to make out she hasn't got one, but I know she has." "'Got to stop thinking about vaginas." "It's my big night." "'Mmm, vaginas. '" " Come on, open up, it's gig time." " What's going on?" "Barney's locked himself in the bloody bog." " What have you done to him?" " Nothing." "Jesus!" "He's a fucker!" "Has he been sucking you off?" "No, course not." "Yes." "Well, maybe once." "What the fuck are we gonna do?" "We don't know how to play his..." "our music." "We're the frontmen." "I was planning on waving a maraca and giving the hotties my sex eyes." "Why the hell did you get him to suck you off?" "I dunno, do I?" "I was just bored." "It's rock'n'roll." "We're backstage." "Someone's gotta suck someone off." "Iggy, Bowie, Lou Reid, tupac..." "They're all sucking each other off." "You're on!" "Shit!" "We're on!" "What..." "What are we gonna do?" "Barney?" "Barney, come on out, mate." "Please." "You go out, keep the crowd happy." "I'll sort Barney out." "All right." "All right." "Just don't... don't suck him off." "All right?" "And don't make him suck you off." "Just get him out there without any more sucking off!" "Two bottles of premium lager and two double whiskies, please." "'Don't keep the change!" "'" "Ah, good old alcohol." "Facilitates the talking of shite!" "Long term, there's depression, lethargy and addiction." "But who's looking to the long term?" "CHEERING" "Hey, everyone." "So, great, we're almost ready, but before we... rock you... erm... we need to find out..." "are you ready?" "Yeah!" "Yeah, OK!" "But are you really..." "Are you really, really, really ready?" "Yeah!" "Great, you're really... you're ready." "So..." "Yeah, yeah, so you're ready to party." "OK, we know that now." "But my next question is..." "'What is he saying?" "'" "Are you ready to party hard, right here, right now?" "'He's just talking words out of his mouth. '" "Mega." "Wow, the ladies." "Nice to see it's almost as disgusting as the gents." "It used to be all pink and tidy but then feminism happened and we all just started pissing on the floor." "Of course, girl power." "'Wow, this is better than watching Jeremy dying on stage." "'She really seems to have a thing about confined spaces." "'Just hope I don't go off in my pants again. '" "VOMITING What's that?" "It's a nightclub, it's normal." "She's... she's probably on drugs." "She's probably having the time of her life." "'Oh, God!" "I know that boot." "'I know that foot." "I know that crying sound. '" "Mark, I really think we should check on her." "She might have passed out." "No, Dobby!" "Hold on, no, Dobby!" "Mark!" "Hi, Sophie." "You know her?" " Uh-huh, yeah." "I'm his wife." "She doesn't know what she's saying." "She's off her head on street drugs." "What have you taken, Sophie?" "Who knows?" "Who the fuck cares?" "What are you even doing here?" "I thought you were staying with your parents." "I ran away from home to see Barney, thanks, dickhead." "Sophe, please." "We are a bit married, but not properly." "It was never consummated." "And you're not gonna get Nana's cottage, so you can shove it up your arsehole!" "OK, I'm gonna head off." "But, Dobby, I..." "'I've been caught out, like Angus Deayton or Harold Shipman. '" "You're like a life-support machine, Mark." "Well..." "Thank you, Sophie." "Except instead of giving life you suck it all out of people!" "'My beautiful wife. '" "I wanna go home." "I wanna go home." "I wanna go home." "I wanna go home." "I wanna go home." "I wanna go home." "I wanna go home." " What's going on?" " He wants to go home." "I'll take care of him, thank you very much." "All right, grandad, hold on." "Can't they give us ten?" "He's in a K-hole right now, but in ten the speed'll kick in." "Can of Coke and a ciggie, he'll be right as rain." "I don't wanna sit down." "I wanna run behind the car all the way home." "We've missed our slot." "Dance Witch Abortion are on now and they're rocking out." " Ah, Mark, of course." " I'm so sorry about all this, Ian." "'Lan?" "He is Ian, isn't he?" "Suppose now I've jilted his daughter" "'I could call him Captain Cockring and it wouldn't make things worse. '" " Super Hans, did I do it right?" " Yeah, yeah, you did it fine." "What did you do to him?" "You've ruined this." "Why couldn't you have got him to suck you off after the gig?" "He did what?" "!" "Barney?" "What makes you do these things, Mark?" "I'm not the one he sucked off!" "I hate you, Mark." "I fucking hate you." "Super Hans!" "I love you." "Don't leave me!" "He's not all he's cracked up to be." "Who's the really cool one?" "You should look a bit deeper before you go sucking someone off next time." "Prick." "'OK, what now?" "'Go home and roast the shit out of some meat. '" "Paranoia, paranoia" "Everybody's comin' to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm runnin' underground with the moles, digging' holes"