"(upbeat march plays)" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪" "♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" "♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪" "Aah!" "♪ American Dad 6x07 ♪ The People vs. Martin Sugar Original Air Date on December 5, 2010" "(phone ringing)" "Superior Court of Langley Falls, Jury Service." "Morning, Olivia." "It's Stan Smith." "Oh, hi, Stan." "Has it been a year already?" "To the day." "Did you get the self-addressed stamped envelope" "I sent for my jury summons?" "Mm-hmm." "I'm ready to be back in the jury pool." "I hope the water's warm." "I hope the water's warm." "Let me see what we got." "I can put you on a multiple felony trial that starts tomorrow." "Olivia, you're guilty." "Of making my day." "(laughing)" "All right, I'll see you tomorrow." "If you have no objections." "(laughing)" "(phone ringing, Stan gasps)" "It's me." "I had to stop that." "What is it with you and jury duty?" "Jury duty is the best way for honest citizens to punish lawbreakers." "It's a waste of time." "Like getting an HIV test." "Roll the dice, scaredy-cats!" "Hey, I happen to know at least 20 of your personas have social security numbers." "You must get called in for jury duty." "I do." "Want to see what I do with the letters they send me?" "The jury letters are just the top layer." "Underneath are my parking tickets and alimony statements." "All those bitches can starve." "You just do whatever you want, don't you?" "Pretty much, bro." "I do what I want, when I want." "Exhibit A." "(farts)" "I see you're admiring my special Austrian toilet." "Very powerful suction." "I like to clean my crack with your undershirts, so I need a crapper that can suck them down." "One day you'll have to face the consequences of your actions." "No, I won't." "People forgive you if you're likable, and I'm the most charming S.O.B. anyone's ever met." "Face it, I'm Ferris Bueller and you're my jealous, big-nosed, sour-faced sister Jeanie." "I am not Jeanie." "Sure you are." "Now watch this." "(toilet flushes)" "(air hissing)" "Look at that." "Took my nipple clamps, too." "Had those twisted on pretty tight." "It's going to be so much fun having you two living in the house." "And I want to formally welcome Jeff to our home." "(chuckles) Thanks, Mrs. S." "House rules?" "Unfortunately, there's a stern side to the welcome basket." ""No smoking pot"?" "Mom, Jeff needs it." "He's got a prescription." "He has a compulsive disorder that could get really bad if he goes off his medication." "Oh, shut up, Hayley;" "that's not true." "Look, it's not even my rule, it's your dad's." "You think I wouldn't like to spark up a doober every now and again?" "Just take a nice, slow, extra-careful drive." "But, Mom..." "It's okay, Hayley, I can handle it." "I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most, but maybe that should be you." "Oh..." "Thanks, Jeff." "Man, you got me thinking about weed now." "That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda." "I smoke a bone, then I drain a two-liter of Sunkist in, like, a second." "Freaks people out." "What time is it?" "It's 6:00 a.m." "I'm checking into a motel then reporting to jury duty." "You don't always have to sequester yourself, you know." "Yes, I do, Francine." "I need to be in a media blackout so I don't compromise the trial." "Now, while I'm gone, I need you to manage my fantasy basketball team." "Can I make any trades?" "No." "Just set the lineup." "Stan, you need a power forward." "I have Dirk Nowitzki." "He's soft, Stan." "You need a thug." "You need Ron Artest." "I don't want Ron Artest." "You know what, forget it." "I'll have Steve set my lineup." "Fine." "Let that nerd set your lineup." "Watch you lose." "You, uh, want the Metro Section?" "Thanks." "You trying to expose me to the news?" "!" "Force a mistrial?" "Who do you work for?" "Young Man's Fancy!" "What?" "It's a formal-wear boutique for style-conscious preteens!" "I'm sorry!" "Before your jury service begins, please watch this short video." "Hi." "I'm Judd Nelson, star of the 1987 courtroom comedy From the Hip." "Maybe you remember the scene where I did Jell-O shots off of Elizabeth Perkins tight buns." "Oh, wait..." "that happened in real life." "Anyway, every American's got the right to a trial by a jury of his peers." "The first step to any trial is jury selection." "It's a lot like an acting audition." "I used to hate them, but..." "now I'd kill for one." "I mean... just murder someone." "Sir, is there any reason you couldn't serve on this jury?" "I'd love to;" "I just don't have regular child care." "The prosecution dismisses juror four." "Hang on a second." "Aah!" "Liar!" "What if that had been a real baby?" "!" "Sometimes it is." "Congratulations to you all for being selected as the jury in this case." "Have you selected a foreman?" "I would like to nominate myself as jury foreman." "Your Honor, I love the law, and I love justice, and I will do anything, even die, to preserve them." "How many of you can read?" "Eh... no." "Okay, you're foreman." "(gasps)" "Oh, I hope it's still in the toilet." "I don't know who left it, but it is crazy big!" "It's sticking out of the water like a shipwreck!" "(screams)" "(gasps) Jeff!" "What the hell, man!" "I-I thought everyone was out." "You have got to lock the freaking door, dude!" "I'm sorry, but when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from HLS," "Hyperactive Libido Syndrome." "When it hits, I got to get busy right away." "If you're gonna do that in this house, you'll do it where everyone else in this family does it:" "in Steve's bed!" "STEVE:" "What?" "!" "Today we will be hearing the case of The People v. Martin Sugar." "Mr. Sugar is accused of manufacturing and distributing millions of dollars' worth of counterfeit handbags." "Please bring in the defendant." "Justice time!" "(indistinct chatter)" "(whispers):" "Hi...!" "It's me, Roger." "Stan." "Stan." "Just-just look over here, just for a sec." "Stan." "Hi...!" "Throughout this trial, we will present evidence against the defendant, showing how truly despicable his crimes were." "In addition to the counterfeiting, he subjected illegal workers to inhumane work conditions." "This man is a threat to society." "He is a menace, and he must pay for his crimes." "I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt" "(in distance):" "that Martin Sugar deserves to be behind bars." "(intro to "Let's Get It On" plays)" "(whistle blows) ♪ I've been really ♪" "(unzips zipper) ♪ Trying, baby ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ Trying to hold back these feelings ♪" "♪ For so long... ♪" "Would the defense like to make an opening statement?" "I'll be speaking on behalf of my attorney, Your Honor." "This is Bert Faber, and he's been my lawyer for 20 years." "Recently Bert survived a lengthy battle with throat cancer, and it claimed his voice box." "But I won't fire him." "He's family-- and you don't abandon your family!" "Did you hear that?" "What a stand-up guy." "Eh, so I am definitely not on trial here?" "Does anyone have a lozenge?" "Bert's throat gets so dry these days." "I knew you'd have one." "You're clearly a mother-- you have kind eyes." "Aw..." "Yes." "(ketchup bottle making fart sound) (giggling)" "(gasps)" "(screams" "Oh, Jeff, come on!" "We keep the food in there!" "Sorry, I was just getting a snack, then I noticed the maple syrup lady looks like Ashanti, and I told you, I can't control myself!" "Frannie, can you grab me the saltines?" "Aah, oh, dude!" "Oh, you are killing me!" "Ugh!" "(sighs) Frannie, the canned goods are probably all right, but I-I'd toss everything else." "The prosecution would now like to call Mr. Sugar to the stand." "Guess who's the luckiest guy in the courtroom?" "Bert, 'cause he gets to watch my big round ass as I walk to the stand." "(jurors laughing)" "Mr. Sugar, how do you explain this photo of you with illegal employees and counterfeit merchandise?" "(people gasp) You know what's not counterfeit in that photo?" "My emotions." "SEVERAL JURORS:" "Aw..." "Okay." "I don't know what that means." "But here you are accepting a cash payment for the fake handbags." "Do you admit that this is you?" "!" "I will... if you admit this is you." "Wh-Wha..." "H-How did you..." "Look how happy you are." "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don't they make a great couple?" "(gentle guitar music playing)" "Gosh, she looked good before the baby." "(slide projector clacks)" "(Latin accent):" "Mr. Sugar made us work very hard." "When we weren't sewing handbags, he made us sleep on the floor." "(people murmuring)" "Inez... thank you." "Inez, does the date September 19th mean anything to you?" "Es mi cumpleanos." "In English, please." "It is my birthday." "Can you tell me what this is, Inez?" "It is the bear you gave me for my birthday." "SEVERAL JURORS:" "Aw..." "So, if I was the monster the prosecution is trying to portray me as, would I have given you such a wonderful birthday present?" "No." "In English, please." "No." "Martin Sugar rests, y'all!" "(laughter)" "(laughing uncontrollably)" "Oh-Oh." "Yeah." "Look, I'm jury foreman and no one leaves here until we come to a unanimous decision." "We're unanimous." "You're the only douchebag who thinks he's guilty." "Didn't you people see all the evidence?" "He makes pregnant women on the assembly line give birth and then get right back to work!" "That's why he built the Martin Sugar Day Care Center." "It's an overturned refrigerator filled with kitty litter!" "Look, we just like him." "Let's let him go." "No!" "If he committed these crimes, then he has to pay the price!" "I don't know." "I think about all the people he ripped off, but then I think about how funny and handsome he is and I just want to sit on his (bleep)." "I think we need to take another look at the evidence." "(all groaning)" "(phone beeps on)" "Hey." "It's me." "I'm gonna be late." "Can you TiVo Ass Rangers 4 for me?" "Thanks, hon." "Now put Mommy on the phone." "(gavel banging)" "Has the jury reached a verdict?" "Yes, Your Honor." "(groaning)" "Martin Sugar, you have been found guilty on all counts." "(gallery gasps, jurors sobbing)" "He wasn't gonna let us go home!" "I'll visit you in prison." "You are sentenced to ten years in maximum security prison." "(sobbing)" "I can't believe he got me." "♪ Breaking rocks in the hot sun ♪" "♪ I fought the law and the law won. ♪" "Stop, Stan." "You know I love that song, and I'm not in the mood to do a whole" "Oh, screw it." "♪ I needed money 'cause I had none ♪" "♪ I fought the law and the law won ♪" "♪ I fought the law and the law won. ♪" "Nice try, guys, but I always keep a handcuff key up my bum." "Ta-dah!" "(electricity crackles, Roger gasps)" "How could you do this to me, Stan?" "Sorry, Roger." "I just had to take a bite out of crime." "You know who said that?" "McGruff the Crime Dog, my number four favorite fictitious dog of all time." "Let's run through the whole Top Ten." "Number ten:" "Benji." "Nine:" "Air Bud." "Eight:" "Spike," "Snoopy's ne'er-do-well desert-dwelling brother." "Seven:" "Eddie from Frasier." "Six:" "Original party animal Spuds MacKenzie." "Five:" "Hooch, of Turner  Hooch fame." "Four:" "Already told ya." "Try to keep up." "Three:" "Old Yeller." "(snarling)" "(gunshot)" "Two:" "Lassie." "And the number one dog on my fictitious dog list is..." "Brian Griffin." "Uh, do I know you?" "Stop pretending I don't exist!" "What'd you do?" "I killed my mother." "Really?" "Matricide?" "That's disrespectful." "Although if you inherited that pizza face from her, I get it." "(laughing)" "(tires squealing)" "Excuse me, driver, could I be shackled to someone with a softer offense?" "Maybe someone guilty of a Jew-on-Jew financial crime?" "(all chuckling)" "(tires squealing) Whoa." "Anyone guilty of a Napster-level crime?" "I'll-I'll even take a mother killer without Edward James Olmos cheeks." "(all laughing)" "(tires squealing, passengers screaming)" "(all screaming in slow motion)" "(siren wailing)" "(Sheriff grunts)" "(tires squeal)" "(chuckling)" "Edward James Olmos cheeks." "(laughing uncontrollably)" "(tires squealing)" "(siren wailing)" "(tires screech)" "(Sheriff grunts)" "(tires screech, glass shatters)" "(Sheriffs groaning)" "Hayley, I think we need to have a little mother-daughter talk." "Okay." "Your husband's "condition" is way out of control." "Bottom line, you need to start satisfying him more, sweetie." "But, Mom, I satisfy him all the time." "Well, then you got to do it better." "Get creative, Hayley." "Use your pinky." "I'm using my pinky, Mom." "I don't think you're using your pinky." "I told you I'm using it." "But are you really using your pinky?" "I don't think so!" "Get." "Up." "In." "There." "Stan, how was the trial?" "Justice prevailed, as per use." "Oh, big news." "You'll never guess who the defendant was." "But first, where's Steve?" "I want to see how my fantasy basketball team is doing." "Well, he understood the fantasy part, but had no idea what basketball was." "He tried to add three griffins and an orc to your roster." "(bleep) nerd." "Breaking news!" "A bus bound for the Virginia Correctional Facility has crashed." "One prisoner has escaped." "What?" "!" "That son of a bitch!" "Wait, Roger was the guy on trial?" "How could you convict him?" "Because he's guilty!" "And now he's gonna get away." "You know what?" "No." "I'm gonna bring him in myself." "(door opens and closes)" "What did Daddy think of my trades?" "You hurt your family with what you did, Steve." "You made us weaker as a unit." "This is the seventh bus you've crashed, Kevin." "You're gonna have to learn how to laugh on the inside, brother." "I'll take it from here." "Who are you?" "Stan Smith, I'm a Marshal, too." "Look, there's only one man that's gonna bring this guy in, and that's me." "But, if you really want to help, you can take this rock and get it out of my way." "You think you can handle that, dumbass?" "Now, leave me alone so I can study this footprint." "(cell phone clicks)" "(text alert tone beeps) Text from Stan here." "Better not be him with some unconscious fool." "Oh, damn!" "That fool got knocked the hell out!" "Let me see." "Oh, I wish you hadn't shown me that." "♪ ♪" "Sang-Mi, give me hot pink on my fingers and pink mist on my toes." "(dialing, line rings)" "Hello?" "You got real close to taking me down, Stan." "But it's never gonna happen." "You can't catch Ferris Bueller, Jeanie." "Roger, I don't care if I have to search to the ends of the Earth." "(call waiting beep) Hold on." "I should get this." "Sang-Mi's Nail Salon." "Now at their new location, 124 Grand Street." "How may I help you?" "It's still me." "(screams) Got to get out of town." "But first, I got to change my disguise." "(water running)" "(ripping)" "(entry bell rings)" "Take me to him, boy." "(barking)" "♪ ♪" "Jeff!" "(screams)" "Thanks for letting me go back on my medication, Mrs. S." "Better than the alternative." "(belches)" "♪ ♪" "(barks)" "Why are you destroying my birthday bear?" "!" "I need to get out of the country!" "There was money in the bear?" "Dios mío." "Money in the bear." "Okay, okay, Stan." "You got me." "But why was catching me so important?" "Because following the rules is hard work." "And if I follow them, you should have to follow them, too." "You're going to prison, Roger." "No!" "I'll do anything." "I'll follow the rules!" "Look, I'll even report for jury duty!" "(dialing)" "Yes, this is, um..." "Dr. Lawrence Feldman." "I want to report for jury duty." "8:00 in the morning?" "Is that, like, a hard 8:00, or can I roll in around noon?" "(sighs) Fine." "Well, you win." "Ferris Bueller is dead." "I guess eventually, we all have to move on." "I have to make Biloxi Blues, then Godzilla, then continue to comb my hair boyishly to the side, even though I'm well into my 50s and nearly bald." "(siren wailing)" "Oh, come on, Can't you just let me go?" "Sorry, Roger." "Justice has finally caught up with you." "Yeah, that's him." "No!" "No!" "I'm the good guy!" "He's the bad guy!" "Who are you?" "I'm Bob Danolou." "I make gluten-free desserts." "Not going to lie." "We're struggling at the moment." "Stan!" "(singsongy):" "Hi..." "Oh my God." "He is so guilty." "You're voting "guilty," right?" "You can't know he's guilty yet." "Everyone's guilty of something." "You're guilty of having incredibly kissable lips." "Oh, they're plump and sweet like ripe cherries." "I'll vote guilty if you want me to." "Of course you will." "(singsongy):" "Hi..."