"Well, who do we have here?" "I have a free hamburger for Mr. Bud Buckwald." "Wait a minute!" "You're El Coyote!" "Oh, no!" "I'm just a delivery man." "Oh, like hell!" "Your picture's on our wall right there!" "Huh." "Well, I guess I can trust you." "Sweet dreams, señor." "¡Vámonos!" "He can't play point guard;" "he's a golden retriever!" "Is he dreaming he's in Air Bud?" "He thinks he's the rival coach." "Double-team the dog!" "Don't let him drive the lane!" "Whoa!" "Good morning, I'm Carlos Sanchez." "Today, America's most wanted smuggler, El Coyote, breached U.S. border security at Mexifornia and posted this taunting video message." "Today I proudly celebrate my 10,000th immigrant smuggled into the U.S." "Also, my great thanks to border agent Bud Buckwald, without whom this never would have been possible." "¡Viva Coyote!" "Hey, Bud, you're on the news!" "Shut up, Ernesto!" "Hey, Maria, I just talked to someone that was on the news!" "Look at that." "I'm a laughingstock!" "Coyote's been humiliating me for years." "He's taken my manhood!" "No, he didn't." "It just got inverted again." "I noticed when you stepped out of the shower." "Oh, it did?" "There we go." "But I'm still bummed out about Coyote." "Don't worry, you'll get him, Daddy." "You're the smartest guy there is." "That's why you got an important job sitting in a hot glass box in the desert." "Thanks, princess." "That's it, Bud." "Forget about Coyote." "Oh, I haven't forgotten about him." "Quite the contrary." "As God as my witness, I will catch El Coyote!" "Bud, has it ever occurred to you that you're not a disgrace because of the people you let into this country." "You're a disgrace because of the people you unjustly try to keep out." "Did you just clap for yourself under the table?" "No." "You had cranberry sauce on one of your hands." "Is it on the other hand now?" "Wow, Sanford, you figured that out?" "You could be a detective." "Thanks, Mom." "My next case is to find the hottest mom in this house." "And I'm looking at the prime suspect." "Ooh!" "Can I eat one pancake without you hitting on your mom?" "Number two?" "!" "This is an assault on my druglordhood." "I must regain my status as the "Number One Most Wanted."" "Whatever it takes." "Where's my Beheadsman?" "!" "Hi, boss!" "You need me?" "I need you to behead 30 judges immediately." "Okay!" "But you can't do it with your ax." "Really?" "Yes, because you have to use... this ax." "A new ax?" "!" "Thank you." "I'm gonna love it and take care of it forever and ever!" "I lost the ax." "Oh, Maria, you haven't cooked up your homemade Menudo in years." "Yuck!" "What is that?" " It's cow guts." " Mmm." "Nothing feels better in my stomach than more stomach." "I'll just stick with Pop-Tarts." "I'm Ruiz." "My girlfriend lives in a computer and has a penis." "You little bastard!" "I only looked at her boobs!" "Your children know nothing about their heritage!" "You're too soft with them!" "I don't think so, Papa." " Don't you contradict me!" " Oh, no, Papa!" "I'm sorry!" "I failed you!" "I'll be a good boy!" "Wah!" "Okay, that's enough." "That's not enough!" "You're too soft on him!" "Papa!" "I got to move out." "I'm tired of my dad and grandpa shoving their old-fashioned traditions down my throat." "Holy crap." "Hi, I'm Rosalva." "I'll be your server today." "I'll have one date with you with a side of pork." "Sorry, I'm usually not this forward." "That's better." "Want to go out?" "Sorry, I only date Mexican men." "But I am a Mexican." "Not a real one." "You're an Americanized Mexican." "A pocho." "Ruiz is the most Mexican guy I know." "He doesn't have a job, he takes siestas all day, and he speaks very limited English." "Wait, I'm the most Mexican guy I know." "Oh, yeah?" "How would you know what makes a real Mexican?" "¿Hablas español?" "Boxers" "Have you ever killed a chicken?" "I've choked one thousands of times." "How do you feel about Cesar Chavez?" "It's pretty cool what he can do with those dogs." "God, your parents came to the U.S. to give you a better life, and you repaid them by becoming an Americanized joke." "How shameful." "She's right." "I'm just a lame pocho." "I've got to become more Mexican." " You're also a lame friend." " What?" "Dude, it's my birthday." "Oh." "Well, maybe you should check your hand." "He went to Jared!" "Listen up, everyone." "The Homeland Security office in Washington saw the El Coyote video and is sending someone down here to rip us a new one." "Thanks a lot, Buckwald." "The Homeland Security office is in Washington?" "Then who do I keep giving classified information to in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia?" "I can't wait to see this guy carve you up." "Get your foot off that desk." "Are you wearing shorts?" "What kind of hair part is that?" "You guys make us sick." "How was your flight?" "(bleep) is how my flight was." "The name's Erickson." "Don't bother to learn it." "You're never to address me." "This is the worst border station in the U.S." "Whose patrol truck is that out there?" "I have a mileage quota for my truck patrol." "So I tie a rock to the pedal, and those idiots in Washington are none the wiser." "Good thing this is just a dream." "Ah, yes, Agent Buckwald." "I've heard about you." "You're at the top of my list of agents to fire." "Sorry, Mr. Erickson, but you'll have to find someone else to fire, because by this time tomorrow," "I'll have caught the Number One Most Wanted man in America..." "El Coyote." "Ooh, girl!" "You ain't catching nobody!" "That's enough, Agent Skarsgaard." "I'm sorry, baby!" "Lord, I love to laugh!" "Well, Buckwald, good luck, because if you don't catch Coyote, you're fired." "Fired?" "What would I do if I got fired?" "Yeah, I can't get fired!" "Hey, Bud." "You're here early." "Yeah, if I don't catch Coyote by tomorrow," "I'm gonna be out of work." "Eh, being unemployed ain't so bad." "All you got to do is walk into an office, pretend to be a janitor and start stealing stuff." "Buckwald, you mind telling me who propped up a box with a stick and a taco under it out there?" "Oh, I did." "That's how I'll catch El Coyote." "It's the same trap I used to catch Saddam Hussein." "That was a squirrel." "You only named it" "Saddam Hussein after you caught it." "Still counts." "I also shot Hitler out of a tree with a BB gun." "I look forward to Erickson firing your ass once he sees that ridiculous thing." "Hey!" "Get away from there!" "That's not for you, Ernesto!" "Hola, Bud." "It's a taco." "Yeah, it's a taco, but it's not for you!" "Leave it alone!" "It's your taco?" "No, no!" "Just leave the taco alone!" "You want this taco?" "No, damn it." "I don't want the taco." "Leave it alone!" " You want I should clean it?" " No, no." "Just leave the taco on the ground." "Get the hell away from it!" "But it will get sandy." "Just leave the damn taco!" "It's not for you!" "Okay." "Oh, damn it, when did those people learn to fly?" "!" "Recently El Coyote has become the Number One Most Wanted criminal." "But is he really number one?" "El Coyote snuck me into America where my family has managed to build a good life." ""A good life"?" "Some criminal mastermind." "To prove I deserve Number One Most Wanted," "I will now eat beloved good guy Daniel Radcliffe." "People are gonna miss you." "Excuse me, sir." "I don't mean to be a bother, but, uh, you're eating me leg." "Oh, there you go again, Daniel." "Making it all about you." "You've got another one." "Go on, sir." "Sorry it's not cooked." "Ow!" "Oh, your poor ears, sorry, sorry." "Paid for by rich American cocaine addicts." "Ruiz, why are you dressed like a Mexican Woody from Toy Story?" "I'm trying to be more Mexican." "I met the woman of my dreams, but she called me a pocho." "Ruiz, it's not how you dress that makes you a Mexican, but rather the content of your character." "You must stand for virtue, know struggle and sacrifice, and most of all, know where you came from." "Let me tell you our family's story." "We came from the beautiful mountains of Zacatecas..." "Mexico sounds like a wonderful place." "Why did we leave?" "Oh, right." "Everything!" "I was born in the little village of Jerez." "Hola, Mami." "I had a typical Mexican childhood." "I played soccer while fighting in a civil war." "Your mother and I both came from families of churro vendors." "Her family was very rich." "Mine was very poor." "One day, Maria's father decided to put our family out of business." "He created a Churro Monster..." "Churro ...that was really just him in a costume." "El Churro Monster!" "¡V-V-V-Vámonos!" "And that's how I met your mother." "Wow, and it didn't take you nine seasons to tell the story." "Or a gay guy playing a ladies' man." "It was love at first sight, but it was forbidden." "One day, when Maria came home with a mustache burn, our love was discovered." "No!" "To be together, we had to flee our hometown." "So we decided to head to the USA." "But the journey was grueling." "We faced rattlesnakes and bandits." "But luckily, a friend who had gone before us told me a secret." "I think this is the spot." "After many weeks, we finally reached the border." "But we were spotted by la migra." "Stay still and don't move your hands or feet!" "That was before law enforcement science discovered the word "freeze."" "We had come too far to turn back." "We would have been killed, if it were not for the help of a stranger who had been impressed by our love." "What do you mean "impressed"?" "Was he some desert pervert?" "Did he watch you guys do stuff?" "Yeah, but it was Mexico in the '70s;" "you didn't do it without an audience." "The important thing is, he made a sacrifice I could never repay." "Your mother and I then crossed the border and started our new life." "But it was through that experience that I became a Mexican man." "Wait a minute." "So you were the Ernesto in that story?" "Hey, Bud." "Do you ever get frustrated trying to teach your son the values you grew up with?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "My son's perfect." "Hey, Sanford, let's go do something together." "Oh, sorry to disturb you while you're doing science." "If this won't get me back to number one, nothing will." "Blow it, boys!" "Millions cheered today as Florida floated away from the continental United States." "The instances of weird crimes in America have dropped to sub-German levels for the first time in decades." "No!" "You know, it might be easier to just kidnap Coyote and deliver him to the gringos." "Once he's caught, he'll be off the Most Wanted list, and you'll be number one." "Good idea." "My idea." "What?" "It was my..." "That's my endless trap door." "I stole it from Willy Wonka." "We can do this the easy way or the hard way." "The hard way." "Don't give them the option." "Just say we're doing this the easy way." "What the hell is that?" "A box with a stick and a taco under it?" "Yeah, but that's like saying a computer is just a box with a genie inside of it." "Buckwald, I've been looking forward to saying this." "Your ass is..." "He's yours, America!" "The taco trap is down!" "My taco trap is down for whatever, child!" "Oh, my God." "Buckwald caught him." "Yes!" "I did it!" "Sound the herald trumpet!" "Bud caught him." "Bud caught him." "Bud caught him!" "America's Number One Most Wanted criminal," "El Coyote, has been captured." "Local border agent Bud Buckwald has been credited with the arrest." "His previous credits include the role of Willy Loman in a high school production of Death of a Salesman, which critics described as "abysmal"" "and "he faced the wrong way."" "Cool." "I'm glad this show brought back the Bud character." "He's an idiot." "Oh, no, Sanford." "Your father's a hero." "Bud, I'm so proud of you." "Man, it's great to settle that score and feel like a man again!" "Uhp, it looks like my nerd trap caught something, too." "Hey, this isn't the library." "With the capture of El Coyote, Pablo Barracuda has reclaimed the rank of America's Number One Most Wanted." "And this time, we're gonna stay on top." "So to help out with things, I've hired a second Beheadsman." "I look forward to working with you!" "Uh... okay." "All right, everybody, now..." "His head fell off!" "Ernesto, they caught Coyote." "Híjole." "Who cares?" "All that guy does is smuggle in cousins that make me wait for the bathroom longer." "You don't understand." "This is the man who took the bullet for me." "Son, you must help me free El Coyote and become a real Mexican man." "Okay, Dad, I will." "Great, 'cause the only other way to do it was to take you to a whorehouse." "What?" "!" "That was an option?" "But you don't want to go there." "That place is sketchy." "They don't make you wear condoms." "There's my big man." "The man who caught El Coyote." "Oh, it's a good day to be a hero." "I wonder what they're saying about me in the YouTube comment section." "Hey... oh." "Ernesto, you can't break Coyote out of jail." "I know he helped us, but that was 30 years ago." "We have a family now." "Sorry, Maria." "I've failed to teach my son many lessons, but I will not fail to teach him that a Gonzalez always repays his debts." "That's not true... my brother took a bullet for you, and you wouldn't lend him money for his candle business." "A Gonzalez always repays his debts to people who won't waste it on a candle called Winter Mist that smells like a fart in a jar." "(gasps Hello, Bud!" "What did you say?" "Oh-oh, I mean, "Hola, Bud."" "Everything's normal!" "Nothing's weird!" "Come on, Ernesto, hold it together." "Oh, hey, Steve." "Aw, must be hard getting shown up by me, huh?" "I hope you're not taking it out on your wife." "What?" "I would never hurt my wife." "That's not the rumor I started." "Well, just keep an eye on Coyote." "He's our responsibility till they transfer him to federal prison tomorrow." "I'm gonna bounce for an hour." "Adam Carolla's signing Man Show DVDs down at the local Petco." "Ruiz, we must act tonight." "I should probably call my community theater group." "Lance, we must act another night." "Psst!" "Coyote!" "My name's Ernesto Gonzalez." "I'm here to break you out." "Who's the pocho?" "That's my son." "And today he becomes a Mexican man." "I already forgot what we're here to do." "¡Hola, señor!" "Oh, hey, nice try, whoever you are." "But I got the real El Coyote right here!" "Oh, what the...?" "Does any man spend the night anymore?" "!" "You're free. ¡Viva Coyote!" "No, viva..." "What was your name again?" "Ernesto." "I shall write a movie about your great deed, and call it Ernesto Goes to Jail." "Hey, you!" "Stop!" "I am almost the police!" "Hey, Sanford, your dad's chasing me." "Speak up, I'm in a movie theater!" "Freeze, Coyote!" "Quick, this way!" "All right, calves, this is the day you become bulls." "Ruiz!" "If I don't make it, tell my story as a porno." "Is he okay?" "He'll be fine." "You go." "Gracias, amigo." "I'm so grateful." "I think someone just smuggled some water into my eye." "Well, well, in the end, even the Coyote was no match for the Steve-Hawk!" "Gonzalez, step away from Coyote." "What the hell?" "Of all the days to wear my Just Shoot Me!" "T-shirt." "This isn't a fugitive." "This is my son, Ruiz." "We were walking through the desert, and you shot at us!" "Ruiz, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told my ex-wife." "You get $600 and you shut up about the fact that I shot you." "I'm proud of you, son." "There's nothing more Mexican a man can do than help someone break out of jail." "So, I'm not a pocho anymore?" "No, Ruiz." "Today you became a real Mexican man." "You know, I wonder what happened to Bud." "I can't believe you picked me up." "How do you know I'm not a murderer?" "Well, that would be a pretty big coincidence." "Two murderers in one car?" "El Coyote has escaped!" "The agent responsible for the security lapse is former hero Bud Buckwald." "Buckwald is best known for tying in a debate with a horse." "Oh, damn it, I'm a laughingstock again!" "Hola, Bud." "I heard what happened." "Sorry Coyote escaped." "Did they ever find the guys..." "girls..." "Ernestos...?" "Aah!" "Never mind!" "Got to go!" "Well, Bud, you may have lost Coyote, but you're still my hero." "And on the bright side, the Department of Homeland Security adopted one of your ideas."