"Sync and corrections by explosiveskull" " Okay." " Okay." " Do you wanna go get a condom?" " Yeah." " Okay." " Yeah." "Hey, can I get your Wi-Fi password?" "Oh!" "Getting a little ahead of yourself." "Aren't you, mister?" "Oh, have I jumped out of stage there?" "Yeah, I watched half that Edward Snowden documentary." " And now I'm very careful." " Seriously?" " No, it's just easier if I type it in." " Oh, right." "Hey, I liked waking up next to you this morning." "You're a peaceful sleeper." "I like it." "Oh, yeah, I go into, like, a super deep trance zone." " Yeah." " You are not a peaceful sleeper." " Oh, no?" " You were very chatty." "Fuck." "I've heard that before." "What did I say?" "You were like, "I'm sorry, Brenda Blethyn."" "And then you started laughing." "I laughed?" "Well, that's super creepy." "Mmm, it was." "But I liked it." "This is nice." "Yeah." "Wish we could just stay in bed all day." "Why don't we, huh?" "You got any plans?" "I really want to, I do." "But I gotta go to SLAA." "SLAA." "S-L-A-A, that's what they call it." "Ah!" "SLAA." " I get it." "That makes sense." " Yep." "What time is it?" "Now-ish?" "Sorry." "It's okay." "It's good that you're going." "Seriously." "You should go." "Go, go, go." "Do you want, like... a fresh T-shirt or something?" "No, I'm good." "Thanks." "You sure?" "You ran, like, three miles last night." "Yeah?" "Ugh!" "I'm a little ripe." " Here, this one should fit." " Okay." " I'm not tripping still, am I?" " You tell me." "I'm not." " Oh, that looks cute on you." " Thank you." "Hey, you know, you could come with me if you want to." "Really?" "Is that cool?" " Yeah." " Like, go into the meeting, or..." "No." "Wait for me outside." "Yeah!" "Sure, if that's cool." "As long as you won't get bored." "No." "I'll just... hang out in my car, watch videos of kids coming out from under anesthesia." "Have you ever seen those?" "Uh, really, it's funny, seeing fucked-up kids." "Ugh." "I hate all my clothes." "Mom, how's it goin'?" "Is Dad around?" "An estate sale?" "That's cool." "This is embarrassing, but I don't remember your name." "Jorie." "J-O-R-I-E." " Short for Marjorie." "Just call whenever." " Amazing." "Thank you, I will." "Okay... this may be against the rules or whatever, but..." "Yeah?" "What's up?" "I hung out with this guy last night... and now I really wanna spend the day with him." "Is that not cool?" "Should I not do that?" "All right, well, were you honest with him about SLAA?" " Yeah." " And he's cool with it?" "Yeah." "I mean, don't look now, but he's waiting for me in the car." "He's almost too cool with it." "Yeah." "Just hang out with him." "Really?" "'Cause I don't wanna binge on him." "I..." "I wanna do this right for once." "The program is about learning to be in a healthy relationship." "And just because you are new doesn't mean you have to walk away from something good because of bad timing." "Fuck timing." "Yeah, you're right." "Okay, I gotta go to spin class." "The road to self-improvement is never ending." " Bye, Jorie." " Bye." " Hey." " Hey." "How's it going?" "How was the meeting?" "Or, uh, can I not..." "I don't know what I'm allowed to ask." " It was good." " Good." " Thank you for asking." " Good." "Of course." "Cool." "Did you, uh, make some new friends?" "Yes, Mom." "All right." "I just wanna know about you and your new friends." "If they're coming over, let me know, and I'll pick up some sodas beforehand." "Do you, uh... wanna get some food?" "Yeah." "A little brunch action?" "Yeah." "We can do that." "Sure." "What?" "I just saw you do your mirror face." " My mirror face?" "What is it?" " It was like this." "Yeah." " Yeah." " Yeah, I look sexy in the mirror." "I gotta know how I look." "Oh, just you wait." "There's gonna come a day when I catch you doin' your mirror face." "I am gonna relish that shit." "Oh, my God." " You see that building right there?" " Uh-huh." "That's where my first job in LA was." " Really?" " Mmm-hmm." "I was an assistant to this publicist who repped the entire cast of The Hills." "Oh, that's cool." "Mmm, no." "Too much drama." "Isn't that the point of the show?" "Drama?" "Not in real life." "Not when Justin Bobby shows up at your house in the middle of the night crying 'cause he's the only one who wasn't included in the spread in Teen Vogue." "Oh, Justin Bobby." "You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?" "No." " That makes me like you so much more." " Good." "Do you ever think," ""What would I do if there was an earthquake right now?"" "Oh, yeah, all the time." "I guarantee you and me will experience, like, a huge earthquake at some point in our lives." " Really?" "The big one?" " Mmm-hmm." "Yeah." "Because think about it." "We haven't had, like, a true crisis in Los Angeles in years." " Mmm-hmm." "Yeah." " In the '90s, there were the riots, the Northridge earthquakes, OJ." "So we're due up for disaster." "Well, if there is an apocalyptic event, I will not be helpful." "I will almost certainly make things worse." "Mmm." "Stick with me, then, 'cause I have a good plan if there's a disaster." "Oh, yeah?" "What is it?" " Immediately kill myself." " Mmm." "Smart." "How you gonna do it?" "Hmm, jump off the roof of The Grove parking lot." "So you didn't grow up with, like, a dream of becoming a teacher?" "No." "No." "I didn't really wanna be a teacher." "I was always, like, obsessed with, like," "TV shows and movies and stuff." "I even memorized which studios made which movies." "Oh, my God, why?" "To impress girls, obviously." "Forrest Gump." "Okay, uh, Paramount." " Mmm." "Se7en." " New Line." " Um, Fast and the Furious." " Universal." " First Wives Club." " Paramount." " Silence of the Lambs." " Orion." "La Dolce Vita." "Did you say, "Cocktail"?" "Is that what I heard?" ""Cocktail"?" "Touchstone." " Still impressive." " Thank you." "Plus, I feel like I just got a window into the life of 14-year-old Gus." "Yikes!" "Gus Cru-shek?" " Oh, right here." " Hey." " Are you not gonna correct her?" " That's close enough." "I don't wanna go to swim class." "You have to go." "We already paid for it." "Cost 300 bucks for that whole package." "That's $50 for each one." " Why don't you want to go..." " Makes sense." "That is such a classic, passive-aggressive dad move." "That reminds me of my dad when we'd go out in public and he'd yell at us." " You know, just restrained and angry." " Really?" "Yeah." "I mean, usually it was about how, like... we shouldn't get dessert at the restaurant because we have plenty of ice cream at home, sort of thing." " Yeah." " But still, very mad." "We always ordered dessert, no question." "Oh, really?" "You guys were a real, uh, Richie Rich family, huh?" "We were kind of rich when my dad was still employed." "Hmm." "Yeah, we were strictly middle class, baby!" "But if we had lived in a big city, you know, like, LA or New York, we would've been totally dirt poor." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Especially with four kids, so..." " Did you have siblings?" " Just one." "My brother Bob." " Bobby Dobby." " Bobby Dobb." "And, uh, what's, uh..." "What's Bobby Dobby do now?" "Lives in Tucson." "He's got two kids, Lilian and..." "Fuck, I can never remember the boy's name." "Your nephew?" " You don't remember your nephew's name?" " Oh, okay." "In my defense, he's, like, three years old, so he hasn't made that big of an impression on me." "And the last time I saw him, he told me that my head looked like a butt." "What about you?" "Older or younger, your siblings?" "Oh, both." "I have an older brother, uh, Ken, who's the perfect kid." " Wait." "You're not the perfect child?" " No." " What?" " Uh, yeah, he, like..." "He still lives in my hometown, Brookings, with his family, so my parents love him." "I mean, that makes sense." "And then, I have a..." "a younger sister, Caroline, and she's the closest to me in age and we get along all the time." "She's awesome." "Then I have a youngest sibling." "He's my brother, Andrew..." "Whatever." "He's a dick." " Really?" " Yeah." "He's just, like, moody, and when we were growing up, he would, like, smoke pot, and break curfew and... get away with it, which drove me insane." "Andrew's my hero." "I..." "I love Andrew." "It's just typical sibling rivalry bullshit." " Thank you." " Thanks." "No." "I got this." " You don't have to do that." " No, no, no." "I'm happy to, really." "I'm gonna be honest, I was kinda doing the slow motion move for my wallet." "Yeah, I noticed." "You were moving pretty slow there." "It was like you were buffering." "I got you next time." "Okay." "Yeah." "So, um... what are you doin' now?" "You wanna keep hangin' out?" "You sick of me?" "Or..." " I'm not getting sick of you." " Well, I'm not sick of you." "You wanna... go to a movie or something?" "There's a theater down the street." "Yeah." " So, what's your go-to snack?" " Hmm." "Good question." "Maybe a..." "Kit Kat." "Oh, my God." "Okay, pretend you're talking." "Okay, uh... blah, blah, blah." "We're pretending, we're pretending." "Who are we trying to avoid?" "Oh, God." "My ex." "He's over there." " I cannot deal with him." " Wait, the guy in the white shirt?" "Don't look at him." "Stop." "Hey, buddy, want a little popcorn with that butter?" "Geez Louise." "He's putting on a lot of butter." "You can't see." "Okay, he is going..." "He is gone." " Oh, thank God." " So, uh..." "How did you meet, uh..." "What's his name?" " Dustin." " Dustin." "He used to manage my friend's band." " That's cool." " Yeah, I thought so, too." "Turns out, it's only cool-adjacent, which suits him perfectly." "Mmm." "Were you crying during the movie?" " No." " Yes, you were." "Mmm..." "What?" "Come on, gimme a break." "Father-son stuff always really gets to me." "So..." "But he was a terrible father." "He didn't start caring about his son until he followed in his footsteps and became a bounty hunter." "No, he wanted to be a good father, he just couldn't be." " That's, like, why I was so sad." " Mmm." "You know what makes me cry during movies?" "When a character faces death with dignity." "That's some real Terms of Endearment shit." " Oh, yeah, exactly." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." " Hey, it's okay that you cried." " Thank you." "It could also be the shrooms." "'Cause sometimes people are emotional the day after they take them." "I appreciate how much you're trying to help me, but I would've cried regardless." "Okay." "Um, I'm gonna pee." " Do you mind holding this for me?" " Sure." " I don't wanna pee all over it." " No." " All right." "I'll be right back." " Okay." "Mickey." "Oh." "Jesus." "Hi." " Oh, sorry." "Did I scare you?" " Uh, yeah." "I'm glad I ran into you." "I've actually been wanting to apologize for what I said at Shaun's party." "Okay." "They were tenting my place for termites." "It was a nightmare." "And then I saw you that night and you were an easy target..." "Anyway, I'm..." "I'm sorry I called you a, uh..." " Whore?" " Whore." "Yes." "I'm very sorry." "That's not who I am." "I mean, it's who I was in that moment... but I shouldn't have said that." "Thank you." "I..." "I appreciate that." "So... here alone?" "Uh, yeah, you?" "No." "With a guy." "Oh." "A boyfriend?" "No, just a guy I see movies with." "Mmm, mysterious." "How's the dog?" " You mean our dog?" " Uh, no, no, no, no." "It's your dog." "I clearly remember giving up parental rights." "Um, he is good." "I just took him downtown for the blessing of the animals." " You wanna see a picture?" " Yeah, of course." "Oh, my God." "Look at Buster." "He is so cute and so old." "Yeah, look at this." "Oh, my God." "His whole snout's gray now." "Has it really been that long?" "Oh, my God." " Hey." " Oh, hi." "Um..." " Dustin, this is Gus." " Hello." " Hey." " Gus, this is Dustin." " And that is his dog Buster." " Yeah." "Ah, look at that cutie." "He takes after you." "He's got your eyes." "Yeah." "What are you kids doing today?" "I don't know." "I guess, we're just kinda playing it by ear." " Making it up as we go along." "Yeah." " Nothing wrong with that." "How's your Sunday going?" "Uh, it's fine." "I actually..." "I gotta run, 'cause I do have plans." " Okay, cool." " Nice to see you." " Have a nice day, kids." " Yeah." "Yeah, you too." "Nice to meet ya." "Hey, I know I'm not supposed to like him, but I kinda do." "Well, he was a huge asshole to me the last time I saw him, but..." "Oh, should I have been meaner to him?" "Do you want me to online bully him or anything, or..." "No, no, he... actually, just apologized to me, weirdly." " I was..." " Oh?" " kind of impressed." " About what?" "He was, uh, freaking out at me and accusing me of cheating on him, which I kind of did." "Okay." "But we were basically broken up." "And he was always out of town, and I would never do anything like that anymore because that's not who I am now, with SLAA, and you're nothing like..." "Whatever." "You know what?" "I'm..." "I'm happy that I did it." "Because if I was with Dustin now, then I wouldn't be here with you." "That's sweet." "Here we go." "All right." "Okay, I gotta ask." "Why do you always have a beach towel in your backseat?" "Uh..." "I don't know." "It's kind of a aspirational thing, like..." "I hope that one day I can go to the beach and use that towel." "So you've never actually used it?" "No." "I mean, I've... put it on wet grass at the park, but it's never touched sand." " Let's go right now." " To the beach?" "Yeah." "Why not?" "Okay." "Let's give this towel the best day of its life." "All right." "Let's do it." "Let's road trip." "Okay." "I gotta admit." "This is pretty nice." "Yeah." "It's the best day I've had in a long time." "Yeah, me too." "It's funny though, when something like this is, like, going really well..." "I get, like, super nervous, like," ""Oh, when is something bad gonna happen and it's all gonna end?"" " Ya know?" " Yeah." "Me too." "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" "Seriously?" "We're gonna find it out eventually, may as well get it over with." "All right, that makes sense." "Yeah." "You go first." "Um, let me think." "Okay, uh..." "If you can't think of it right away, you've never done anything that bad." "No, I'm just stalling, trying to come up with a way not to tell you this." "You can't." "Okay." "Um..." "When I was in college," "I went to this party and I got, like, super wasted, and then everybody started daring me to..." " take a shit in my hand." " Mmm-hmm." "And, um..." "I did." " I..." "I took a shit in my hand." " Okay." "And then I, like... walked around the party for, like, an hour, just, like, carrying this turd in my hand and introducing it to people, like," ""Hey, meet my friend Doody Garland."" "Yeah, I can't play this game with you." "You're an amateur." "You can't do that." "That's cheating." "Just tell me your fifth-worst thing." "Okay." "All right." "Let's go." " No, thank you, sir." " What?" " You have to." " No!" "Are you kidding me?" "It's super polluted, and it's really cold." "My mom sent me this whole article about how all the city's run-off ends up in the ocean." "It's a health hazard." "We came all this way to be at the beach." "You don't just climb up to the tower and not ring that bell." "Let's get in there." "Let's get in the water." "This is being at the beach." "I'm on the towel." "I'm good." "No, being at the beach is getting into the ocean." "What if we go in there, we get a disease and die?" "Come on, there's billions and trillions of gallons of water in there." "If you get E. coli..." "I'll buy you ice cream." "I'm not dressed for it!" "This isn't a beach outfit!" "Okay." "Tell the towel." "You tell the towel that we came all this way just to sit in sand and not go into the water." " Come on." " All right." " But I'm only putting my toe in." " Toes, that's fine." " Toes only." " At least you're getting wet." "Awesome!" "Come on." "Come on, come on." "Come on." "You should never make a woman do things she doesn't wanna do." "Don't make me sound awful." "Like I'm a terrible human being." "Okay, come on." "Right." "That's good." " All right." "No!" " All right." "Okay." "That's good." "Okay." "All right." "Wait for it." " All right." " Here it is." "God, here it comes." " Oh, no." " Here we go." "Yeah!" "It happened!" "It fucking happened." "We didn't think it would." "Okay..." "All right, then." " Bye." " Bye." "So, uh..." "What you up to this week?" "So, like, I wanna text you... but I don't wanna pester you or annoy you." "We don't have to do this." "What?" "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I meant that..." "I'm not gonna disappear on you, Gus." "Text me whenever." "I always wanna hear from you." "You're not going to annoy me." "You're not gonna annoy me either." "So..." "I like you." "I like you too." "Okay." " Bye." " Bye." "Sync and corrections by explosiveskull"