"Will you take a look at it, dad, just for a second so... see where I'm at?" "Aahhhhhh..." "Aahhhhh." "See, I don't see any change really, I think..." "Well, you're lookin' at..." "Let me clear the cereal outta there." "Oh, okay." "It does hurt, though." "Eventually, it's a good idea to remove your wisdom teeth, but when they're impacted it becomes a medical emergency." "Mmmm." "They're just like time bombs in your mouth." "Hey, that sounds delicious!" "Ha ha ha, dad, that's a good line!" "You should give that to Dr. Zilber." "I don't write for other doctors." "I picture him saying stuff like that." "He is a... an alarmist." "Yeah, well, their whole business, unlike my business, thrives on a certain sense of urgency." "The first thing you learn in dental school is the expression, "Oh, my god"." "Yeah, he says that a lot." "Even when I open my mouth and he touches the first tooth he just goes, "Hmm-mmm"." "That's right." "Oh, dad, I'm terrified." "I mean, what kind of primitive procedure is this?" "They cut into your..." "Why don't they just leave it in there?" "It will get better." "I'm just saying, the body takes care of itself." "Plus Zilber is in no position to take care of my body right now." "Yeah." "I'm not quite sure he's in the kind of shape he was ten years ago." "You're not going to fight the guy, Ben." "I have struggled with him in the past." "Ha ha ha." "Sometimes when he takes out the sharpest instrument, that one with the huge hook," "I fight him, I mean I'll hold his arm." "That's just a reflex, Ben." "Then the nurse gets in on it and that is one sexy romp." "Hey, Laura, I wonder if you could check my schedule because it's possible I might need to take some time off to nurse Ben." "Ooh, I don't like the sound of that." "No, he's getting his wisdom teeth out and I want to be there for him." "Ohh, oh." "You know, and..." "It's kind..." "You're gonna take time off from work?" "What are you gonna do for him?" "I mean, he's just having teeth pulled." "He's gonna need some extra pampering and I'd like to be there for him." "So, I was trying to re-book some patients, if I could." "Um, I don't think so." "You know I had my wisdom teeth out and it's really not a big deal." "Well, you know different people react differently, so..." "Well, you know if you encourage Ben to react like a big baby, then, my guess is, he will." "Um." "Did you ever have your wisdom teeth out?" "When I had my wisdom teeth out, it cost something like $185." "Wow!" "This is 30 years ago, and the guy said," ""For another 10 bucks, I'll shave your back."" "That's a good deal." "I had to go for it!" "Excuse me." "Yes?" "Yeah, I'm Paul F. Tompkins," "I have an appointment with Dr. Katz." "Oh, uhh, you're actually a little bit late, but, I need you to fill out these forms before I can get you in there." "Okay, so, has my session, technically, started?" "Well, technically, the session started at 2 o'clock." "But it seems to be 2 o'clock now." "Um, yeah." "What does that mean?" "Means that your session started at 2 o'clock." "Oh, how come I'm not in it?" "Are you part of it?" "No." "It sort of started without you." "My session started without me, so then, I say but, without me the session cannot start." "Well, a session can actually exist without the patient." "But, does the patient exist without the session?" "Well, the patient exists independently of the session." "I think the session cannot exist without the patient." "Well, the session only needs the doctor to exist." "Ahh, but the doctor and the patient need the session." "No, the session needs the doctor but not the patient." "Only the doctor can have a session with the patient." "Hi, Paul, I'm guessing." "Oh yeah, hi!" "Hello." "You are the doctor." "Right." "I am the patient." "So far." "This is the session." "Have you been in therapy before?" "No." "There was a time I would say, "I wouldn't go on a bet!"" "And then guess what, somebody bet me." "And now, here I am." "So what you're saying is that someone actually bet you?" "Right." "My fee is $180 an hour." "Really?" "So is this a wash for you?" "Are you gonna break even after you've paid my fee?" "Oh, yeah!" "Hmmm." "You're not in show business..." "No, I'm not...." "But you should get into it, because..." "Let me tell you somethin'." "The money is obscene, it-is-great!" "Here's how rich I am..." "Sometimes I'll go to the gap, mm-hmm." "I'll just buy like 4 shirts, at a clip, not even think about it." "People say, "Whoa, those shirts cost a lot of money."" "Oh yeah, they do." "They cost a lot of money that I have." "Well, I'm glad you're doing well, but, let's talk a little bit about your background." "I'm Irish." "Growing up I had to hear stories of the terrible, horrible," "Irish potato famine of the 18-somethings." "Millions of people died, millions!" "Mm-hmm." "Why?" "Because there were no potatoes." "Are these the pickiest people in the world?" "!" "Well..." ""Ahh, I'm dyin'..." "If only I had a potato." "Oh, sweet baby Jesus, please make it rain potatoes."" "Why don't you try some corn?" ""I don't like corn."" "Are you sure, you've probably never even tried it." ""Oh, yes, I did." "Remember at the wedding they had corn that time?" "I tried I don't care for it." "I don't really like it."" "Well." "You gotta do somethin'." "Eat some corn, come on!" ""I have a problem with textures, you know, some things feel weird in my mouth and corn's just kind of icky and gross."" ""I don't like it."" "Well, alright, just go ahead and starve to death." ""Ah, yeah, that's what I was doin' before you had to interview me for your book about corn!"" " Hey, Ben?" " Dad." " How you feelin' by the way?" " Uh..." "You sound..." "What are you doing?" "What's that?" "What are you doing?" "Just wiping' up." "You know, I'm making a list of things for your care package for your post-op." "That's nice of you but you don't have to do that." "I think you're gonna need some extra caring when you come out of this procedure, and..." "You know what, I don't want to jinx it." "This is not jinxing it." "I think you just might appreciate a few things." "Well, what are you putting in it?" "Because I wouldn't mind final approval on stuff." "Yeah." "It's just that when you buy gifts, they're not good." "This is why I'm calling." "I want your input on this." "At least, can I tell you what I've got for you so far?" "Mm-hmm." "I have, umm tapioca pudding." "Yeah." "Some magazines." "I also rented "Carousel", the musical." "Let me go over some of the stuff." "That's all great, dad." "Yeah." "That stuff I won't eat or use." "Oh, I forgot about the new law that they've imposed where sons aren't allowed to say "thank you" to a father for doing a nice thing." "I did say thank you, but you're all wrong." "I actually would like to put together things that would make you feel comfortable because you're liable to feel uncomfortable for a few hours, you know?" "Yeah." "I've got a whole bunch of tapes, "When Animals Attack."" "Oh, I like that stuff." "You know, because I sat through 4 hours of" ""When Animals Think About Attacking"... not so good." "I should make a video "When Dr. Zilber Attacks"." "Yeah, ha ha ha." "'Cause he's gonna be goin' at my mouth." "What about "When Animals Attack Dr. Zilber"?" "Ha ha, I would love that." "So the whole issue of food in your home is complicated." "I grew up in a household with incredibly distorted images of bodies..." "And my mother had a terrible eating disorder and every time I would eat, she'd say," ""Oh, don't be like mommy!"" "And it was just always really awful." "Even now, she will show me pictures of myself when I was 5 years old and say," ""Oh, you used to be so skinny, when you were 5"." "Mmmm..." "You know, my mother never had much and she always let me know it..." "Right." "When I was growing up." "She loved fashion too and she made my prom dress, and the whole time she just complained while she was making it." "Hmm." ""You know mommy didn't have prom." "They don't have prom in Korea..." "Only war."" "Dr. Katz's office." "Laura!" "Hi." "How are you, Laura?" "No, Laura, it's me, it's Ben." "Oh, Ben." "I was doin' a thing where I had no teeth 'cause I'm going to get my wisdom teeth out." "Where are you?" "I'm under the couch." "Oh." "It's not everybody who gets their wisdom teeth out." "No, just... probably pretty much everybody." "Yeah, but not everybody waits this long to get them out." "Most people do it in their teens." "Right." "When there's no meaning in it." "Mm-hmm." "Me, I'm a little different, Laura." "I held out to the last possible moment." "That's called "courage"." "Huh." "Did you get your wisdom teeth out?" "Yeah." "How old were you?" "Umm, 17." "Typical." "But I only had one, though." "Well, the doctor said I only have one that needs to be taken out but he's gonna take out all four." "No, but I only had one." "What do you mean, "You only had one"?" "Only one in my head." "Really?" "Yeah." "You had one wisdom tooth." "Just one." "But everyone has four." "No, everyone doesn't have four." "I had one." "That's like a freak." "No, it's not." "It's actually, what they told me was that it means that I'm more highly evolved." "Ha ha, oh man, that is not true." "Because wisdom teeth are unnecessary and eventually everybody will have none." "That's like going up to a humpback and saying, you're more highly evolved than everybody, with that hump." "I rejected drugs mainly because" "I didn't want to talk to my dealer anymore because I think buying drugs is really annoying." "You know, because when you buy drugs you have to feign this relationship with your dealer..." "Like you're not really going to him to buy drugs, you know, you're going for a social visit and drugs are the surprise that just happens when you get there." "And he's talkin' to you and you're trying to be interested like, "Oh, that's great, that's really interesting."" "But inside you're just..." ""Just gimme drugs, I hate you, I hate you." "Your house smells like cat pee." "Why don't you clean the water in your fish tank?"" "Whoa!" "What's the matter?" "You're gettin' all these?" "I do everything big, Todd." "Yeah." "I don't do anything small." "Man, you can't wipe out a whole section." "I mean, I guess you can, but no one's ever done it before." "Who's gonna rent these, anyway?" "No one, now." "Well, this is kind of a special occasion." "What's goin' on here?" "This is..." "I gotta stock up on movies 'cause I'm gonna be in the house, for a while." "In the house?" "Yeah, word!" "But not, not in the house like I'm typically in the house." "I'm gonna be convalescing." "Convalescing?" "Well, I gotta get my wisdom teeth out..." "How are you gonna eat all this stuff?" "Look at this, you got super-size twizzlers..." "Mm-hmm." "Jumbo Milk Duds..." "Well, I'm gonna make shakes out of it." "Shakes?" "Yeah, you put the, uh..." "Licorice shakes?" "You do it with any candy." "You ever make a skittles shake?" "Skittles is a good shake." "Yuck!" "Have you had your wisdom teeth out?" "No." "I'm keepin' mine, man, that's a scam." "What are you talkin' about?" "God did not give you extra teeth." "Wha-wha..." "And you know what?" "I'm talkin' as a man who's been scammed many times." "How have you been scammed?" "The whole, "Burn yourself and go to the hospital and get a skin graft" scam," "I got that one." "The whole... "Did you like fall and break your arm and they put it in a cast..." "I have not..." "...Scam." "Really?" "You don't need to do that." "Hmm." "Nature takes care of itself." "You could just walk away from that." ""Anal wart" scam, I fell for that one, also." "There's a lot of medical scams." "People really trust doctors way too much." "It sounds to me like music was an important part of your life." "Sometimes for fun I like to go to pawn shops and just hang out front." "I wait till a guy walks in with a guitar and then I say to him," ""Wow, man, I guess it's not about the music anymore, is it?"" "It's all about the cash." "I guess you just don't care." "Couldn't commit, huh?" "Couldn't commit." "I guess that's art these days, good luck, buddy'." "I don't like jazz, 'cause jazz is all about makin' the common man feel dumb." "It's not for everybody." "You know, you got a bunch of guys up there playing all their instruments, going," "♫ Blddup dlup dlup dloopp ♫" "They make you feel like you're stupid, if you can't enjoy that." "It's just a bunch of noise, for god's sake." "But here's the worst thing that jazz guys do to make you feel dumb." "They're up there playing their interminable solos just goin' on and on and on." "And then like this upright bass player, he'll play a note like this..." "♫ Brggh ♫ you thought he was gonna go ♫ Brnngh ♫ but he goes ♫ Brggh ♫ and then the other guys on stage, they all start laughin'." "Then you're just there like, "Ha, I don't get the jazz joke." ""Ha ha, I guess I'm dumb."" ""You're all smarter than me." "Why is that note funny, smart jazz people?"" "Uh-huh." "'Cause humor is relatable." "That's by its definition, I think." "Humor is relatable to other people." "You can't go to your job the next day, and say," ""Oh, last night I saw the funniest jazz player, um instead of going ♫ Brnnh ♫ he went ♫ Brggh ♫" ""Ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho, oh, that's a good one, eh?"" "Please don't play with that." "I'm not playing with it." "I'm just checking if it works." "You know?" "It works." "Does that feel numb yet?" "Mm-hmm." "That injection hurt, but I don't feel any numbness yet." "Should I get..." "How 'bout here?" "Ow!" "Oww!" "Yeah." "Good." "Why are you using a nail clipper on me?" "Sit back." "Wait, doctor, shouldn't you wait until the novocaine kicks in before we go to the table saw?" "Relax, Ben." "Uh-huh." "Open up." "Okay." "Wider." "Ahhh." "Wider." "Doctor, is that necessary?" "Ahhhh, doc!" "That's it!" "That's it!" "No, almost." "Ahhh, doc!" "Don't exert yourself!" "Don't... arrrghhh!" "Ohhhh, god!" "Aahhh!" "Jesusssss!" "Oh, my gawddd!" "Hey, Ben." "Hey, guys." "How did it go?" "Take a look." "Take a sweet look at my swollen head." "Man, you look like you got beat up." "Yeah, well, I did get beat up." "I have never been pull..." "Ha ha ha!" "Dad, why are you laughing?" "What's so funny?" "Just the way you're talking." "I'm sorry." "I have gauze in my mouth." "Dr. Katz, that's not nice." "Don't laugh at him." "I don't mean to, I just..." "Thank you, Laura." "Wank woo, waura." "Ha ha, don't do that." "That's not funny." "You know, I'll tell you something." "I didn't expect you to have this reaction." "It's just not appropriate." "Oh, why did you come here, then?" "What did he give you for the pain?" "Painkillers." "Which I doubt I'll need." "Right." "And he also gave me antibiotics, which he said, you know, were to prevent infection." "Mm-hmm." "Well, you know what, though?" "I'll tell you something." "This was incredibly painful procedure." "Mm-hmm." "And I must admit I didn't even... never screamed." "Mm-hmm." "Umm?" "Dr. Zilber said I screamed a little bit but I don't remember." "No, he's not that reliable a source." "Dr. Zilber also said that my body went into total shock." "Which was not the case." "Mm-hmm." "See, all that stuff I don't remember." "I think I went through it like a trooper." "I think you should go home now, Ben." "Get some rest." "Wait a sec, I have to change this gauze." "If you don't mind." "Ehhh, ehhh." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Ehhh." "Ehhhh." "You guys should see the sockets..." "You can see all the way down to my stomach!" "Y'know, dad..." "Yes." "I think I need another pill." "Ben, you had one an hour ago." "I can't keep feeding you these pills." "Oh, the pain is immense." "I think it just takes a while for these pills to kick in and when they do, you'll feel fine." "But until then, I'm gonna try to distract you by telling you a little story." "You know what?" "I'm not in the mood for stories right now, to be honest with you, because my head is throbbing." "Well, do it for me, then." "Everything's throbbing right now, as a matter of fact." "I'm excited!" "I'm gonna take you back in time..." "To the day... dad, I gotta be honest with you." "Really, the pain is too much." "I can't concentrate on you talking." "Just give me another pill and get outta my sight." "What's the magic word?" "Now!" "Here!" "What's going on, Ben, what time is it?" "Ben, it's 4:00 in the morning." "What are you doing up?" "Dad, I can't live anymore." "I mean, the life's gotta end." "What are you talking about, Ben?" "Your life is so full of hope and joy and..." "Shhh, listen to me." " Look at me." " Okay." "I got this from the kitchen, it's all I could find, it's a nail file." "Kill me!" "Okay, but this is gonna take hours." "Kill me with it." "I mean, just start filing from the nails and keep going until I am just dust." "Dad, I'm tellin' ya the pills don't work." "'Cause the pain is the same." "Mm-hmm." "I curse Dr. Zilber and his wicked practice." "He's no dentist!" "He's a monster!" "He is a monster." "I've always said that." "But I've always paid him on time." "Don't touch me!" "Okay." "Get away from me!" "Ben, you seem a little, uh..." "Yeah, I feel a little better." "I got some sleep and..." "Oh, good, good." "The pain has subsided a little bit, although..." "Oh, I'm so glad to hear that." "Yeah, you don't look well." "No, well, first of all, I was up..." "I mean, before you go on, dad, I just want to say that never in my life, ever, have I experienced pain like that." "Ben, I have something I need to tell you, and I feel... well, dad, I love you too." "No, this has nothing to do..." "We got through it together, and life goes on." "You're not, you're not making this easier, Ben." "You're not leaving me, are you?" "You know those painkillers that the doctor gave you?" "Yeah, those things were duds." "I was giving you the wrong pills and I don't know how I could have done it, but you didn't take any." "You were taking antibiotics all night." "Oh, wh-what are you talking about?" "The good news is that you were fighting the invasion of bacteria." "Oh, wait a minute, you-you..." "The bad news is that I gave you no painkillers, no pain medication all night." "How could you mistake the pills, you're a doctor?" "!" "I know, that's why it's doubly embarrassing." "How could you mistake painkillers for antibiotics?" "It says it right on the label!" "You know why, because I was so tired and I..." "I can't yell at you, my mouth still hurts." "Maybe you should take one of these now, at least." "Let me see it." "What's that?" "Let me see the bottle." "Hmm, "Take 2 tablets every 4 hours to alleviate pain."" "Well..." "What a great concept!" "It's so simple..." "Dad, how could you screw up like this, honestly?" "I-I... is there some way I can make it up to you, Ben?" "I would do anything to make it up to you." "Well, you know what?" "What?" "In a way I'm not mad at you." "Because now I know what it's like to experience inordinate pain." "I never would have had that opportunity if it weren't for you, dad, and thank you." "Well, Ben, you're more than welcome." "I mean..." "Thank you for the sublime torture." "Please don't make it harder than it is." "Here's my new theory." "Pain brings clarity." "Like for instance, feel this." "My mother knows a lot about gay men because we grew up in '70s crazy San Francisco." "So she would like pick out books for me to like teach me about gay people 'cause she thought that I really needed to know." ""There is a book, there is a book that I found." "It is gay, it is called ase master."" "I'm sorry, wh... "Ass master"?" "You know what I know, this is what I know, it is a gay, the gay, they like ase so much, they don't know what to do." "They like the ase book and the ase movie." "Yeah." "You have to have a ase in the moderation, you know?" "You cannot have ase all the time because then it's not special." "Everything in moderation." "I have a question for you." "And this is a rhetorical question so don't start to answer it." "I... don't." "Sorry." "Here's my question." "Hey, all that cool future junk we were supposed to have by now..." "Ahh, where is it?" "I'm talkin' about wrist TVs and rocket packs and all that." "We don't have any of this nonsense." "What is the holdup, science?" "We don't have any of it." "We don't have the pill that's a 5-course meal," ""Oh, steak and pudding', delicious."" "We don't have any of it." "I think, the problem is they're trying to do too many things at once and nothing's getting done." "Just concentrate on one thing so we can have it." "I vote for the rocket pack." "Huh." "Now here's what's great about the rocket pack." "If you had a rocket pack, it would never get old." "Hmmm." "If you had a rocket pack, it would be the last thing you thought about before you went to bed at night..." "And the first thing you thought about when you got up in the morning." "Your alarm would go off in the future there and you would see it in the corner..." "Ooh, rocket pack." "Oh, another glorious rocket pack day!" "Oh, thank you, god." "I gotta strap it on rocket pack!" "Y'know, doctor, when I came in here, I was skeptical, and who wouldn't be, 'cause look at you." "Now, Paul, that's not fair." "But now, it's all starting to make sense and I think I'll come back, once or twice." "Well, I hope you do come back." "I know it's not what you anticipated, it's not easy..." "Yeah." "And it's painful." "Yeah!" "And we haven't even gotten to the painful part yet." "Oh, I'm there." "I don't know where you've been but I'm at the painful part." "Whup." "You know what the music means Paul, our time is up." "Well, why?" "That seems like..." "Can't you just say "time's up"?" "That's too easy." "Do you think that helps people to have like some crazy jazz piano come in and, ♫ bling blang blong ♫ y'know?" "Yeah." "Really?" "And people seem to like it." "Who, piano players?" "Yeah." "Is that how you're gonna end next session?" "Mm-hmm." "I see." "And nobody else has a problem with this?" "Nope."