"Hi." "Checking out." "Fourteen, three, twenty-two." " Mr. Shaffer?" " That's me." " I have your bill right here." " Thank you." " So, how was your luck last night?" " Oh, I don't..." "I didn't gamble." "I was just here for a friend's bachelor party." "He's the gambler." " Excuse me, what's these $ 110?" " Those are your in-room movies." " No, I didn't watch any movies." " Okay." "Let's see." ""Afro Whores"." " "Afro Whores"?" " You watched it... 11 times." " No, no, wait..." " "Afro Whores" 2:30, 4:00 and 5:30." "Watched "The Grinch" for 10 minutes then switched back to "Afro Whores"." "I didn't watch it." "It was a bachelor party." "There were 35 people there." "You can ask any of them." "You have to take that off my record." "It 's not a record, sir." " It 's a delete." " Okay, fine." " How many times did you watch it?" " None." "I didn't watch it." "Are you sure? "Sizzling backdoor action with 2 sexy soul sisters."" "No!" "I don't need to know what it 's about!" "I did not watch it!" "I didn't!" "Miss?" "Can I have another one of these, please?" "Oh, sorry." "I thought you were a woman." "I am a woman." " You look kind of familiar." " Yeah, you do." "I get that all the time." "I guess I just have one of those faces." "And now for our Loser Of The Week." "This week it's a no-brainer." "Templeton made the biggest bonehead call in the history of football." "It happened last Sunday at Dallas with the score tied at 10." "They were headed towards overtime." "They were about to toss the coin to see who'd kick off." " Dallas." "Call it in the air." " Tails." " That's heads!" " What?" "That's tails, man!" " No, no, no." "It's..." " That was tails." " No, it was... hang on." "It's..." " Now, what did I say?" " You said Heads." "Heads!" "Yeah!" "Heads!" "Okay, little brother, just be cool." "Just be cool." "Okay, this is it." "See the glass?" "Walk across the lobby, slip on the glass, let gravity to the rest." "I can break my neck." "It 's true." "You could break your neck." "It 's a risk I'm willing to take." "Why don't you do it?" "Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim and... one of us needs to be the witness." "What kind of witness would you make?" "I'm your brother." "I don't know what you're saying." "How's your tongue?" "How does it look?" "Looks good." "It looks much better." "Okay, here we go." "We're on candid camera so... make it look good." "Excuse me." "I'm a lawyer, Gloria Allred." "What the hell happened here?" " She slipped on that glass." " Those jerks will pay for this." "They'll pay through the nose." "I've never seen such negligence." "This is going to be huge." " She's an angel." " What a cute little face." " She's absolutely beautiful." " She has your eyes." "It 's the only picture I have." "It 's worn out, I'm always looking at it." " You haven't seen her for 27 years?" " No, not till today." " She called you out of the blue?" " No, I found her." "I hired a detective, I spent all my money and now we're going to meet." " You think she'll recognize me?" " Of course she will." "Vera Baker?" "My baby." "Excuse me." "I have to take this." "This is Merrill." "That 's unacceptable!" "Tell Warren that if we don't ship by Tuesday... we won't be in the stores by Mother's Day." "That 's unacceptable!" "So don't give me any excuses and do it!" "Do it!" "Just shut up and get it done!" "Honey, you broke your phone." "It 's okay." "I carry extras." "Why don't we sit down?" "You probably have a thousand questions for me." "I was young." "I didn't tell anybody I was pregnant." "And I felt I could handle it at the time." "Hi." "Could you just pull yourselves together and bring us a drink?" " Sure." " Sure, but what would you like?" " Mimosa." " Mimosa." "They both want a Mimosa." "So you sell cosmetics?" " Yeah, I have my own company." "And we're going public." "And you're not married?" " Lucianne said you wouldn't." " Who?" "She's my psychic." "She's the one who told me to come look for you." "She said you needed me." " She did?" " She said you were lonely... that you were worried about money, and that you had trouble sleeping." "Who the hell isn't?" " See?" "We didn't need a bell man." " Congratulations, Randy." " You avoided another tip." "Thank you." " Those nickels and dimes add up." " I call this bed!" " You got to pick last night!" " Go to hell, Jason!" " Hey, language, please." "Bev, his and her bathrobes!" "Look at that view." " Yeah, nice view." " Okay, honey." "Why don't you unpack?" "I'm just going to go look around." "Wait." "You're not going to the casino?" "No, of course not." "You know I just drove from the Grand Canyon." "Gotta stretch my legs." "You swore on your mother's eyes." "We're here to see David Copperfield." " No gambling." " I'm just looking around." "In fact, I'm going to go to the gift shop." " I can jump farther than you!" " I'll see you guys later." "Watch!" "That 's gotta hurt." "Honey, kids need you!" "Hey Nick!" "Nicky!" " You're not leaving." " I'm in court on Tuesday." " No, you're not." " I work for people who are." "You pussy." "You can't leave, Nick." "It 's still going on out there." " I have to." "I got two hours sleep." " Cunningham got another stripper." " You've gotta see this one!" " I can't." "I gotta get back." "No you don't, Nick." "I know you, man." "You're scared." "You're scared it 's gonna get out of control and someday it will come back to haunt you." " I'm not having this conversation." "You didn't even gamble." "Not one quarter." "That 's no way to live." "In fact, that 's ain't even living." "It 's hiding." "I'm not hiding from anything." "Okay, then prove it." "Do something." "Anything." "I mean break one rule." "Like... here look, Nick." "Paper." "Come on, take it." "Take it." "Come on, Nick, take it." "I have a plane to catch, okay?" "See you in Chicago." "I won!" "I won!" "Look at all the money coming down!" "Look..." ""You're a winner." "See Guest Services."" "A Dollar!" "Come on, baby, come on!" "We won!" " We won one." " What 's this?" "This isn't money." " That 's the prize?" "A free buffet?" " Actually, it 's not a buffet." "It 's a special reception at 10:00 in the Penthouse Conference Room." ""Where a spectacular once in a lifetime opportunity awaits you."" "And that 's all I know." " What do you think?" " I think it 's some kind of scam." "Oh, good, a scam!" "We'll do it." " I'll need to see some ID then." " Okay." "There." "I gambled." "A family vacation, huh?" "You got to savor these moments." "They'll never come around again." " Exactly." " Excuse me." " Do you know what 's going on?" " Free grub, that 's what 's going on." " This room is fabulous!" " Excuse, me." " Does anybody know why we're here?" " Beats me." "Oh, my God!" "You should sue somebody!" " I did it myself." " What?" "He said he did it himself." "He sent away for a kit." "I knew I recognized you." "You're the referee." "The bonehead." "Well, that 's just the media blowing it out of proportion." "My hairdresser's husband lost 800 dollars because of you." " Everybody thinks we flip quarters." " Can I have a picture with you?" " It 's really a commemorative coin." " Smile!" "Am I too late?" "Look, I won a coin." "A gold coin." "Isn't this wonderful." "Look at this room." "What a beautiful room." "Have you seen this room?" "Yes." "We're in it." "I am Enrico Pollini." "Now I know what you are thinking." " Enrico is a girl's name." " No, I wasn't." " No pun intended." " What pun is that?" "Look, look at all this food." "What a beautiful party." " Little cockdoggies." " They're called cocktail wienies." "Wienies." "I'm so sorry." "My English is not so good." "But I'm learning." " That 's it." "We're out of here." " Where are we?" "I just..." "Bye, y'all!" "Excuse me!" "I'm Donald Sinclair." "I own this hotel." "We don't have much time." "There's a meteor the size of North Carolina... heading straight for earth." "The impact is going to kill everyone on this planet." "I built a bunker in the basement that can withstand the blast." "There's room for eight people." "I've chosen the seven of you, plus me." "When this is over, it will be up to us to repopulate the planet." "I couldn't resist!" "I'm sorry!" "A joke." "He made a joke." "Sit down, please." "Merrill, you and your mother can sit down over here." " How do you know she's my mother?" " Alas, there are no secrets anymore." "Actually, that 's not quite true." "There's one secret." "One last secret." "It involves all of you." "I'm getting goose pimples." "Mr. Shaffer." "Curiosity got the better of you." "Come and sit down." " I'm fine, thanks." " You haven't missed anything." "We were just cutting to the chase." ""Cutting to the chase"!" "Well, you'll laugh later." "As you know, the odds against winning a jackpot downstairs... or hitting the state lottery are astronomical." "Millions to one." "A serious person doesn't even bother with it." "But today... you have the chance to play a game... where the odds of winning are one in six." "One in six." "It 's one throw... of the dice." "This is my attorney, Mr. Grisham." "Tragically was born... without personality." "He insists that anyone who wishes participate... should sign this waiver... absolving the casino from any responsibility or damages." "So, who do you like, Claude?" "The young woman in the black coat." "She looks desperate." "But she has her mother with her." "That could slow her down." " Perhaps." " Now... 563 miles from here, is a little town called Silver City New Mexico." " Gold Rush." "Quite, right, Nick." "Yes, they struck gold there in 1860." "It was the second largest gold rush in American history." "Very good, Nick." "I think Nick should be our captain." "In the downtown Silver City, there's a train station." "As you go into the front door, there's some lockers on the right." "Do you have the keys?" "Six identical keys." "They all open the same locker, that 's locker... 001." "Inside the locker, is a red duffel bag." "Inside the red duffel bag, is two million dollars." "In cash." "Fifties and hundreds." "Makes a pile about... so big." "First one there keeps it all." "I put transmitting devices in your key rings to keep track of you." "That 's it." "Go!" " You can't pick people at random." " I can do anything I like, Owen." "I'm eccentric." " Go!" " Wait a minute, so it 's like a race?" "A race." "He said race." "I hope I win." " What are the rules?" " There's only one rule." "Are you ready?" "Here it is." "There are no rules." "Go!" " Go!" " When you say "go"... you mean..." "just "go!"?" "Begin." "Commence." "Start moving." "Theoretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds." "And so far, Mr. Shaffer is winning... because he's nearest to the door." "He's crazy!" "A race!" "A race!" "You have to pace yourself." "Carbohydrate is important." "Pasta is good." "Breathing... is important" "Excuse me." "One, two, three..." "It 's some sort of joke." "It has to be." "What kind of jackass just gives away two million dollars?" "Maybe it 's a publicity stunt." "What kind of publicity?" "He swore us all to secrecy." "Maybe it 's a secret publicity stunt." "A secret publicity stunt?" "I don't know what it is, but there's always an angle." "People like him... make millions of dollars everyday playing people like us for chumps." " I'm nobody's chump." " So, you don't believe he is...?" "Eleven-thirty, non-stop to Chicago." "I'm going to be on it." "He's right." "I'm not cutting short my first family vacation... in three years because of some half-assed wild goose chase." "Okay, so..." "you're not going for it?" " I don't think so." " Not me." " So, I guess that 's that." " Right." "It was nice meeting you." "I'll take the stairs." "My room's 2 floors down." "Nice meeting you." "Have a nice vacation." "You know it 's probably stuck." "I think I'm going to take the stairs too." "Come on, Vera!" " Hold the door, please." " Take your time." "No rush." " Get up!" " Wait!" "Wait!" "This is crazy." "If we're all going, why don't we go together?" "You know, split the money fifty-fifty." " Fifty-fifty?" " You know what I mean." "Whatever." " That 's a good plan." " It 's a race." "It 's a race." "I'm winning!" "I'm winning!" "And they're off!" "No one, gentlemen, no one... is offering you action like this." "A horse race with animals that can think, and plan, and lie... and cheat, and play dirty!" "It 's the gambling experience of a lifetime." "It 's my way of saying:" ""I understand men like you." "I know what you want, I know what you need." "This casino, my casino... is where you belong."" "My cab!" " To the airport." " You got it." "We're out the door." "I don't see you." "Where are you?" " I forgot to tip the maid." " Forget about the maid." "There he is!" " Come on." " Okay." "Bev, this is a real job." "I swear!" "What is it?" "The job." "What 's the job?" "Ink... for fountain pens." " And they're in New Mexico?" " Silver City, New Mexico." "I love New Mexico." "Honey, we'll go with you." " No!" " Why not?" "Because we've already paid for the room." "Now who's wasting money?" "No!" "This was your idea." "I don't care about David Copperfield." "This is our family vacation." "We'll go with you." " But you don't understand..." " We will go with you!" "Fine." "Fine." "Here." "Call the bellman and have him bring the van around." "Excuse me, excuse me, I'm in a race." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "It 's a race." " What is he doing?" " I think he's sleeping." " Sleeping?" " He must be narcoleptic." " But I bet on him!" " So did I. Two million dollars." "I'm sorry gentlemen, all the bets are locked in." "Sleeping!" "Sleeping!" " Look at that!" " Don't tell me how to drive!" "Ride it!" " Where's my video game?" " Seatbelts everyone." "Honey, what is the rush?" "I don't want to be late." "This is an opportunity of a lifetime." "You're not just a travel agent, Roger, you're an angel." "There's one charter plane available in Las Vegas." "We just bagged it." "Get rid of it." "Get rid of it!" "Throw the ball!" "That 's why you're not going to get drafted!" "You'll play Arena Football!" " You like football?" " Sure." "Did you happen to catch that Dallas game last week?" "You can't really call it a game." "It was a crime against football!" "I lost twenty grand on that game, and they would've won!" "Now I've got to work two shifts because of that idiot." "Stevie Wonder could have done a better job calling that game." "Where the hell is the airport?" "One flip of the coin and everything goes down the crapper. $ 10,50." " Keep the change." " Thanks a lot!" "Have a nice flight!" "You know who that was?" "That was the ref." "The guy from the game." "The coin-toss." "Oh, my God!" "You're right!" "That was him!" "I had him in the cab and I let him go!" " Wait for me?" " Go, go, go." "Chumps." "Excuse me." "Hi." " I'm not a creep or anything." " I don't have any quarters." "I never do this, but I'm reading the same book you are." "Look." "See?" "Lindbergh." "It 's fantastic, isn't it?" "What part are you on?" " He just had a sex change." " Who did?" "Lindbergh?" "A sex change?" " That 's funny." " I though so." "But don't be too proud of yourself." "I'm the most gullible guy in Chicago." " Can I buy you a drink?" " I can't." "I'm flying." " So it will relax you." " I mean I'm flying." "I'm a pilot." "Pilot?" "Are there a lot of female pilots?" "There's at least one." "As soon as I walk away, I'll think of something great to say to that." "Good." "Mail it to me." "Flight 115 to Albuquerque." "Gate seventeen." "You better hurry." "4 tickets to Albuquerque, please." "Near the front of the plane." "Come on!" "This is so exciting." "I've never been on a private plane before." "It 's bigger than my condo." " Gentlemen, what 's our E.T.A.?" " One hour and ten minutes." "If you can do it in less than an hour, I'll buy you both dinner." "You're on." " Watch it!" "Excuse me." " Move, move!" " Who was next?" " I was." " I was!" " I was!" "What?" "You were not next!" " Are you calling me a liar?" " I am." "We're in line for 20 minutes." "Hold on." "Is that the correct time?" "Yes, it is." " Who's next?" " They are." "Two tickets to Albuquerque." "Sorry." "We're completely booked." "There's nothing." "There's a 4:30, but you have to switch in Dallas." "I have had it." "What do you mean that 's it?" "I'm not giving up." "And neither are you." "And neither am I!" "I'll tell you something, brother:" "If we're not flying out of here, no one is flying out of here." "That can't be good." "Duane!" "Blaine!" "Blaine!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Blaine!" "Shit!" " Stop the car!" " Help!" " Duane!" "Stop!" "Stop!" " I can't!" "Duane, what are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "Stop the car!" " Move!" "Duane, stop the car!" "Stop the car!" "Blaine!" "Freeze everything." "Every flight." "Get me Central Operation." "Attention all passengers." "Due to a technical problem with our radar... all flights are postponed until further notice." "We apologize for any inconvenience." "Come on, we gotta go." " Hurry up!" "Let 's go!" " Wait!" "Dad!" "Forget the bags!" "Let 's go!" "Out of the way!" " This is your license?" " Yes, it is." " Where was it issued?" " In Guam." "Just head East!" "And I'm in a hurry!" "Hello again." "East it is." " We have a mid-size Caprice." " What color is it?" "We don't care." "Just give us any car that 's parked closest to the door." "Ask about insurance." " Would you like liability insurance?" " How much is it?" "It doesn't matter!" "We'll take it." "Just hurry." "Hit "enter"." "Now "shift"." ""Shift" key." "Hey, watch it!" "Out, idiot!" "Okay, I've got one." " What?" " A great comeback." ""Are there a lot of female pilots?" You said: "There's at least one."" "I should of said:" ""Two, if you count Lindbergh."" "Cause you said he had a sex change." "It 's a work in progress." " I'm Nick Schaffler." " Tracy Faucet." " You can have that drink now." " I told you I'm flying." " To Roswell in 5 minutes." " Everybody's grounded." "That 's only for fixed wings." "I'm in a chopper." "It 's different system." "Roswell, New Mexico?" "You're flying to New Mexico?" "We've been flying down all week." "They're repainting the whole fleet." "You can fly." "Nobody else can fly." "But you can fly." "And you're flying to New Mexico." "And nobody else can fly." "Do you need a ride?" " Coconut." " Coconut." "Who had coconut?" "I did." "Phil." " That 's the kind of car I'm getting." " Yeah?" "Don't count on it." " Why not?" " The Beetle was used by the Nazis." " I'd not be comfortable driving one." " So, don't drive it." "I will." " Dad, I have to go." " No, you don't." " Yes, I do." "I really do." " We just stopped." "I couldn't go." "The bathroom was too gross." " Can't you hold it in?" " I can't." "It 's an emergency." " Honey, there's a restaurant." " That 's 3 miles off the road." " We lose ten minutes." " So what?" "Your daughter has to go." " Please stop, Dad!" " Jason, look for an empty jar." " A jar?" "Girls don't pee in jars." " All right, sorry." "Jason, we're going to need a jar and a funnel." " I don't have to pee!" "It 's number 2!" " Sorry, I can't stop." " Dad, I'm prairie dogging it." " What the hell does that mean?" "Like when a prairie dog sticks its head in and out of the ground." "I do not wanna picture that." "Yes, sir." "Silver City it is, buddy." "It 's about 700 miles." "You don't mind, do you?" "Oh, no." "I don't mind." "A job's just another job for me." " About how much that 's gonna cost?" " I wouldn't worry about it." "Tell you what." "You just pay me whatever you think is fair." "Cause..." "I trust your judgment." " I hate you!" "I hate you!" " All right, nobody look." "I'm going to turn on the radio, honey, so you nobody can hear you." "I'll never forgive you." "I hate you!" "Nobody can hear you, honey." "Push away!" "I'll drop you off right there." "In the parking lot near the hospital." "Great." "Great." " So what 's wrong with her?" " Who?" "Your sister." "You said it was serious." " Shark bite." " A shark bite?" " They took her to Silver City?" " There's a shark attack unit there." "How fast was I going?" " Where are we?" " It 's a shortcut I know." " We should stick to the highway." " There's a thought." "You say we should take highway." "I say we should take my shortcut." "Why don't we just flip a coin?" " It 's not what you think!" " Come here, blind son-of-a-bitch!" " Where's that whistle?" " Wait!" " I'm gonna cram it up your ass!" " Wait!" "Come back here!" "Arrivederci!" "I'll kill him!" " Squirrels?" " No." "Thank you." " We're looking for the Interstate." " I get that a lot, it 's the detour." "Now they lost their way." "Now they can't go home." " You sure you don't want one?" " We're sure." "Thank you." "They make crackerjack pets." "I taught this one to shake hands." "He's not for sale, though." "Who wants to go home with the nice ladies?" "Pick me, pick me!" "Don't be afraid, I don't bite." " What 's your name, pretty lady?" " Vera." " Ma'am, we're not interested." " I'm not talking to you, am I?" "I'm talking to Vera." "What about Buckey here?" "He just loves to climb the trees, eat the nuts..." "We do not want a squirrel!" "Now, do you know where the Interstate is?" "Of course I do, I'm not retarded." "Tell them about the short cut." "Thank you, Buckey." "I almost forgot." "There's a dandy shortcut." "To exit 14." "It'll save you 30 miles." "Listen carefully." "You go straight down here, exactly 1.8 miles." " 1.8 miles." " Make a left at Totem Pole Ranch." "Go 5.4 miles and you're gonna go up a big hill... and you'll see a big yellow sign with graffiti on it." "There's a dirt road, turn right, it will take you to the interstate." " Thank you very much." " Wait a minute." "Take some nuts with you..." "Just in case you see a squirrel." " Okay?" " Okay." "Bye." "You could've bought me." "Dammit, dammit." "Where am I?" "A Barbie Museum!" "Can we stop?" "Sorry, Kimmy, we have a plan." "And we're gonna stick to the plan." "Please, Daddy." "Please, please." "It 's not fair." "We never get to stop at anywhere I want to." "I'm sure Jason doesn't want to go the Barbie Museum." "Are you kidding?" "I'll stop anywhere." "I'm wigging out back here." "C'mon, you really need to pull over and stop to give the kids a break." " Maybe on the way back." " Stop the car." " I can't do that." " We all need to stop the car." " No can do!" " You need to stop the car!" " No!" " Could you please stop that car?" " Okay, fine." "But ten minutes." " Wow, the Barbie Museum!" "Klaus Barbie." "Sometimes known as "The Butcher of Lyons"." "Let the Jew revisionist talk about the death camps... and so called "crimes against humanity"." "This museum is lovingly dedicated to the Klaus Barbie that nobody knows." "The husband, the devoted father, the wine connoisseur... and three-time ballroom dancing champion." "Hey, there is the guy." "Barbie joined the SS in 1935... where he soon became one of the Führer's favorite young officers." " Can we go?" " With greater responsibilities." "Here we see him standing by Hitler's touring car." "The very same car which can be seen on display outside in our courtyard." "You're leaving?" "We have a16:30 book burning and then, and then we have a..." " A Christening." "...a christening." "For one of our many white Christian non-Jewish friend." " Family." " Restroom." "The Hemler Hessin Van Sturichberg..." " Thank you so much." " I love your do." "Thank you." "It 's beautiful." " Wow!" "A gift shop." " I know." "Next time, I promise." " Let 's go." "Let 's go." " Oh, my God!" " We've been caught!" " What do we do now?" " I say we take the interstate." " No, take highway 12." " Is a shortcut." " But you don't know what it is." " It could be a dirt road." " Maybe we should separate." " What?" " There's two of us." "Maybe we should separate." "You're right." "You're a genius." "If we separate, and you steal a car, we can both go our own way." " And double our chances." " Alright, you take this..." "We only have one key." "Look!" "There it its." "Totem Pole Ranch." "Turn left." "1.8 miles exactly." "All right, Squirrel Lady." "I can't believe it, Dad." "You just stole Adolph Hitler's Mercedes Benz." "Hitler had it coming." "What goes around, comes around." "Dad, they're gonna be pissed." "They're always pissed, honey." "They're Nazis." "It 's their job." "Honey, when we get to Silver City... we'll call them." "We'll work something out." " North?" " A detour." "It'll just take a minute." "I just wanted to say "hi" to my boyfriend." "I can't believe it." "That son-of-a-bitch!" "That 's Charlene's car!" " Charlene?" " His ex-girlfriend, or so I thought." "I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation." "She probably came by just to pick up some clothes or something." "Nice and warm, huh?" "Did I come at a bad time, asshole?" "I'm gonna ram this helicopter right down your throat!" " What are you doing?" " Don't worry!" "My father's a pilot!" " I've been flying since I was 15!" " I'm worried about me!" "Shawn, do you have a minute?" "I want to talk about our relationship!" "Suck on that, creep!" "No!" "Not the truck!" "The hood!" "Oh, my God!" "Come on, help me." "Open it." " Tracy, I'm not comfortable with..." " Open it!" "She's going to kill me." " We should get out of here." " Not yet." "You two-timing, back-stabbing snake!" "You worm!" "You turd!" "My God!" "What was I thinking?" "I'm getting the tattoo removed!" "There you go, baby!" "Wait for me!" " I think we just killed him." " You can't." "He's like a cockroach." "Fix the..." "Should we be this low?" "Come on, let 's keep going!" "Come on!" "We just violated about 115 federal laws." " We?" " I'm going." "Are you coming?" "I don't think I'm..." "Nice meeting you." "Get out of the truck, Shawn!" "That 's it, Tracy!" "You and I are through!" "Tracy!" "Wait!" " The first illegal thing I've done." " How does it feel?" "I'm shaking." "But that could be from the helicopter crash." " Get out of my truck, Tracy!" " It 's my truck!" "I paid for it!" " And who is this?" " I'm nobody." " Yeah, you are nobody." " Yeah, nobody." "You stay away from her, unless you're tired of living." "While you're here, do me a favor." "Charlene left a bra in the truck!" "Can you make sure she gets it?" "Thanks, honey." " So where's the driver?" " He's in the powder room." "We're never going to get to Santa Fe by three o'clock." " This is ridiculous." " Ridiculous." " I really wish he'd hurry." " It just seems very unprofessional." "You got to help me, my wife's out back." "She's having a baby!" " She's having a what?" " A baby!" " A baby?" " It 's half out!" "I can see the head!" " I need your jacket." " Why?" "For her amniotic sack!" "Her amniotic fluid, it 's all gushing out!" " Gushing?" " The jacket!" "The jacket!" "Give me the jacket!" "And your pants." " My pants?" " Yeah, for her "Placentia"... her labia..." "cervical, and... mucus." "It 's gushing!" "And it 's just a hole, and..." "The pants!" " And the hat." " My hat?" "Why my hat?" "For her... vagina!" " Let 's go, ladies." "All aboard." " What happened to Marty?" "Family emergency." "His wife's having a baby." " A baby?" " I'm Owen." "I'm your new driver." "Quiet!" "Quiet everybody!" "Simmer down!" "We're going to be on our way in just a minute." "This is Owen." "He's our new driver." "Everyone say "hello"." "Hello, Owen!" "Our next stop is our third annual "I Love Lucy" convention... in Santa Fe, New Mexico!" " What 'd you say?" " Babaloo!" " Is he dead?" " Hey, mister, are you dead?" "It 's a race!" "It 's a race!" "Run." "Run." "Like crystal lightning!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Not good." "Not good." "Don't move!" "Stay there!" "I saw the whole thing!" "I'll be right down!" "Shit, Gloria Allred!" "Hey, buddy, are you okay?" "You okay?" "You're back!" "You look great." "You don't want to report this, do you?" " Taxi!" " You don't need a taxi!" "Come on." " Where are you going?" " Silver City, New Mexico." " I am in a race." " Silver City?" "It 's your lucky day!" "I'm going to El Paso." "It 's right on the way." "Come on." "I've got to be there by 7 tonight, I'm going to be driving very fast." "Great." "Just want one copy?" "'Cause I got an extra one for half price." "Just one." "And hurry." "That 's the best idea you ever had." "We split up, we take two keys we double our chances of winning." " It can't fail." " You remember where we're going?" " Silver City, New Mexico." " Right." "Train station locker, 001." " 001." "Rule number one, Discretion." "Don't talk to anybody." " I won't." "I promise." " I'm serious." "It 's 2 million dollars." "In cash." "People would just kill us to get their hands on that key." "I love you." " Little brother, you steal a car." " I'm gonna steal that Corvette." "I don't care." "I'll meet you in Silver City." "Don't forget your key." "That motherfucking asshole!" "I'm gonna kill him!" "There he is!" "Go!" "Go!" "Okay, we're at 2.4 miles." " There's the yellow sign, turn right." " I see it." " You see it?" " I see it." "I just love this." "This is like a treasure hunt!" "Slow down!" "I can't!" "I guess my favorite episode, if I have to pick one, is number 34." "Ladies!" "Lucy, Lucy, stay behind the line, please!" "You remember that one when Ricky thought he was going bald?" "I don't remember that one." "It sounds like a masterpiece." "How about the one she gets stuck in the fridge?" "Ma'am!" "Lucy!" "You have to put that out, please!" "Lucy, your hair!" "Thank you." "I can't decide whether to keep it up or try something new." "It 's on fire!" " Stop the bus!" " We're not stopping!" "Put it out!" " Put it out!" "We're not stopping!" " Stop!" "The bathroom!" "Two million dollars." "Two million dollars." "Two million dollars." "Two million dollars." "Two million dollars." " Donald Sinclair?" "The billionaire?" " It sounds crazy, I know, but..." "I think it 's on the level." "We have to decide 'yes' or 'no' right now." "If everybody else had to drive here, we have a 3 hour head start." " You're proposing..." " A corporation." "Faucet and Shaffer." "If we win, we split everything fifty-fifty." "Here... you can even hold the key." " What do you think?" " I don't know." "I'm in shock." "Three hours ago I was sitting in the airport." "I had a job." " I was reading a book." " My grandfather used to say..." ""Good things take time." "Great things happen all at once."" " Jason, where'd you get that?" " I found it under the seat." " Give it to me!" "You can't play that!" " Why not?" "Because it 's Hitler's harmonica." "You can't play Hitler's harmonica." " You're driving his car." " I'm not touching it with my mouth." "I'm not sucking on the dashboard." "I'm not getting his germs." "Dad, look what I found." " Where'd you get those?" " The floor." "Look, I'm Mrs. Hitler." " Take those off right now." " Look at this." "A lipstick." "It 's dark." "That Eva Braun had style, didn't she?" " She was Hitler's girlfriend!" " Give us a kiss." " It 's not funny." "Give me that!" " Honey!" "It got all over my hand." "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" "Find out what it means to me Respect" "Just a little bit Just a little bit" "Just..." "Look at us go." "We are zooming." "I told you." "We're hauling ass." "We're hauling ass." "All righty!" "Guess what I got back there." "You just told me, ass." "We're hauling ass." "No, that 's just an expression." " It 's a heart." " A heart?" "A human heart." "Some lucky bastard in El Paso is waiting for it." "They normally put it on a plane, but the airport 's all closed down." "You want to see it?" "See what?" " Are we allowed?" " We'll just take a peek." "One peek." "What could happen?" "It needs fresh air." "It 's been locked up in that cooler for seven hours." " Oopsy-daisy!" "I get it." " Don't step on it!" " I think I found it." " No, that 's a caramel apple." "This is wrong." "This is so wrong." "God is going to smote us." "We're going to get smote!" "Come on, we're siphoning gas." "It 's not a smoting offense." "This shouldn't be turning me on, should it?" " What are you doing?" " Seventeen cups of coffee." "I guess that 's it." "I guess not." "Oh, honey, let 's turn this thing off, uh?" "Son-of-a-bitch!" " Oh, man!" " Dammit!" "Keep going!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "He's stopping!" "Cause he knows not to mess with us." " Gotta wait!" "Too much wind!" " Guys, I need you to move!" "What are you doing?" "Hey, man, what...?" "I know what I'm doing!" "I'm going to get you!" "Get back here!" "I'll get him." "I'll get you, stupid hardware guy!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" " Stand up." "Grab the rope!" " Give me rope!" "I'm going to get you!" "Stand up." "Ready?" "Grab it." "Missed it!" "Duane!" " Stop the car!" " Hang on, buddy!" "Please stop!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "Hang on!" " My God!" " Blaine!" "Blaine!" "Oh, my God!" "Move!" "Watch out!" "Shit!" "Oh, God!" "Help!" " Give me my key!" " What are you talking about?" "Give me back my key!" "Give me the key!" "Blaine!" " It 's me!" " Duane!" "Oh, my god!" " I thought you were dead." " I got the key." " How's it going, Captain?" " So far, so good." " How about a pit stop?" " Sorry." "This is a one-way flight." " There's a bathroom in the back." " The latch is broken." " Anybody could just come in." " So what?" "You ain't got nothing the other Lucy's haven't seen already." "Not necessarily." " Please, will you stop screaming?" " Damn!" "Help me!" "Say something!" "Oh, shit." "Owen, what are you doing?" " It 's a flat tire, stay on the bus." " You're turning it the wrong way." "I know what I'm doing!" "Get on the bus!" " You should check the oil." " Wait, wait, wait!" "You're supposed to change the air in the tires every 12,000 miles." " I can fix it." " Give me that!" "Wait!" "No!" "That 's the spare!" " We'll still catch it." " Try it!" "Try it!" "No, turn it around." "Just turn it around." "Please be careful." "Wait, what is that?" " It 's a nickel." " Will you please put it in the bag?" "Why don't you check over there?" "Maybe it bounced." "I'm a dead man." "Don't worry, my friend, we will find the heart." "I have lost my heart many times before." "I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are." "I don't think it got this far." "Let 's check down by the road." "Hello!" "A doggy!" "Hello, there!" "He's a good doggy." "Here." "Fetch it!" "Look at him go!" " Here, boy!" " Doggy!" "Good boy." "Grab it!" "Really is a beautiful car." " I mean, look at this mahogany." " Gorgeous." "You just don't see that anymore, you know?" " I wonder what this is?" " Careful, it 's a cigarette lighter." " I don't think they had those then." " Yes, they did." "Oh, honey!" "Did you burn yourself?" "I told you." "Oh, God!" "Sorry." "My husband, he burned his finger, ma'am." "He was pulling and then..." " Bev!" "Not helping!" "Not helping!" " Sorry." " Hi." " Hi." "I really like your dike... bike." "Nice." "Cut them off!" "Man in front!" "What are you, nuts?" "Kids, stay down!" "This thing wont go any faster!" "The headlights!" "Are you insane?" "This is Hitler's car!" "Tell them everything that happened and ask them to call the police... and a toll truck." " Hello." " Hello." "Are you Harold?" "I'm Vicky." "Are you going to invite me in?" "Or you want to party in the hallway?" "Please, come in." "Not too shabby." " Where are you from, Harry?" " From here." " Las Vegas." " Local boy makes good." "So, Harry, what can I do for you?" "Okay, here's what I want." "First we both get naked." "So far, so good." "Only we're wearing sailor hats." "And then... we get into a Jacuzzi... filled with Pepto-Bismol." "And I clip your toenails." "And you shave my buttocks." "Pardon me?" "Okay, naked, Jacuzzi, Pepto-Bismol, toenails... shave my buttocks." "How much would that cost?" "Jeez, honey, you have quite an imagination." "How much would it cost?" "Well, let 's see." "A party like that... three thousand dollars." "Okay, three thousand dollars!" "Who has three thousand?" "Carlton has 2,800." "He's the closest." "I think it 's okay." "What do you think?" "What about those little holes?" "Are they bite marks?" "That 's how it was." "I'm pretty sure." "What am I doing?" "I can't go to El Paso with this!" "Look at it!" "It 's going to leak like a sieve!" "The guy's going to be alive for like two minutes and then..." " A drifter!" " A drifter?" "We find a drifter... kill him, cut out his heart." "Nobody's gonna miss him." "He's an invisible man." "It 's a perfect plan." "Mr. Zack, now you are giving me the freak-out..." "Where do I find a drifter?" "Enrico where did you say you were from?" " Me?" "I am from Napoli." "And your family, they're back there?" "No, my Papa, he is dead." "And my Mama." "All gone." "Any family?" "Kids?" "I am completely alone." "Why..." "Why you...?" "Look, a drifter!" "Let 's kill him!" "Son-of-a..." "Come back here!" "You're not going anywhere today." "You got a crack in your radiator." " The tank in front of this engine." " I know what a radiator is!" " Where can we rent a car?" " Albuquerque." " We'll just have to patch it." " Patch it?" "Patch it with what?" "Sand and tire sealant." "You mix the two together, it forms an adhesive." "It should last a couple of hours." "We have only what, 30 miles to go?" "Darling, we don't have any sand." "Hello?" "We're in the desert!" "We should've bought a squirrel." "Mother Mercy!" "Where'd you come from?" "Car trouble?" "Here, sit down." "You two look exhausted." "How long have you been out there?" " Here, have something to drink." " Gentlemen, members of the press..." " What 's going on?" " Rocket scientists from LA." "They're trying to break the land speed record." "With its unique combination of automotive innovation... the "Lightning Two" represents three years of R and D... which was conducted at the California Institute of Technology." "The design team was led by professor Ken Freedman and Dr. Richard Kramer." "Aerodynamically, it 's the most perfect vehicle ever designed." "The entire vehicle weighs less than 850 pounds." "The body is a one-piece Kevlar." "The wheels are solid aluminum." "And she's powered by twin JE-79 turbo jet engines." "The same engines that are in the F-4 Phantom Jet." "Any questions?" " What is the current record?" " That would be 742 miles per hour." " But we hope to break it today." " Anyone else?" " How much you expect...?" " How do you start it?" "Good question." "There's a green lever to the left of the steering wheel... which engages the primary thruster..." " 740, 745..." " That 's a record!" "They're gonna break the sound barrier!" "That 's it." "I still don't think she's gonna hold." " What do we owe you?" " Five hundred bucks." " What?" " For what?" "For 2/4 of sealant?" "No way!" "That 's twenty bucks, tops!" "Here's forty dollars." "That 's double what it 's worth, okay?" "Come on, Nick, let 's go." "Hold it." "Another little tool no mechanic should be without." "Alright, fine, fine." "Here's your five hundred dollars." "But you know what, Billy Ray?" "What goes around, comes around." " This is so un-Christian!" " Un-Christian?" "If the Lord don't like the way I do business, let Him say something." "Let him give me a sign." "Oh, Lord..." "I'm here and I'm listening!" "Hello?" " Mach one!" " We did it!" "We did it!" "Is everybody okay?" "You're all right?" " Randy, are you okay?" " There's no Ink Inc." " What?" " There's no job." "It 's a race." "We're racing." "Donald Sinclair put 2 million in a locker." "I want to get there first." "I do not want to work at Home Depot!" "Okay, people, back on the bus." "George, don't eat that." "Back on the bus!" "Come on, back on the bus!" "Simon, put that down!" "You too." "Back on the bus." "Come on, everyone!" "We don't want to miss dinner." "It 's macaroni night!" "Come on!" " We came in a rocket car." " Oh, a rocket car." "Let 's hear all about that on the bus." "All right, so we can still win... but we have to leave now." "All right?" "So, come on..." "Dad, it 's been a living hell." "But it 's two million dollars." "It 's a lifetime supply of hummus." "I've been selfish." "I understand." "I'm sorry." "Really, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I almost got us killed!" "Hi, everybody." "Missed me?" "Listen, just to show there are no hard feelings, chocolate shakes!" " Are you okay?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm a little disappointed, but I'm an adult." "Drink these up and we'll return the Nazi-mobile, get the van fixed... and then we'll go back to Vegas." "See David Copperfield!" "Okay, drink up, buddy." "Is it good?" "Drink it up, honey." "Don't feel bad." "It 's not your fault." "We'll tell the company." "We won't let them fire you." " I'm not a bus driver." " Don't say that." "I'm not!" "I'm not a bus driver!" "You mustn't be so hard on yourself." "Hey, everybody, who's the world's greatest bus driver?" "Owen!" "Listen, listen." "Shut up, you crazy Lucy bitches!" "Shut up!" "I am not a bus driver!" "I do not work for the bus company!" "I needed a ride to New Mexico!" "So I stole this uniform!" "See this jacket?" "This is not my jacket!" "Remember Marty, the bus driver?" "This is his shirt!" "I stole it!" "You think I'd wear these pants?" "These aren't my pants!" "These are Marty's pants!" "I stole them!" "I am not a bus driver!" "You're not a real bus driver?" "You lied to us!" "He ruined our whole vacation!" "Here they come." "They're almost within 50 miles." "It 's the final lap." "Mr. Grisham!" "The airport 's back on line, so I want you to fly to Silver City to give us the play-by-play." " Yes, sir." "Let 's go back to Vegas." "Bev, wake up!" "Come on, wake up!" "Wake up!" "Third Reich's here, come on!" "Get down!" "You want to have a nice life." "Okay, okay, think!" "SS in the parking lot!" "Not good!" "Not good!" "Think!" " Hi, honey." " Are they going to be all right?" "I don't think there's room." "This one's little." "There it is!" "There it is!" "Silver City!" "We're almost there!" "Go!" "Where the fuck are we?" "There were two guys in there." "Where'd they go?" "What are you doing?" "I got something for you." "Silver City." "Next stop, Silver City." "Silver City?" "It is the finish line." "I made it!" "I made it!" "The key?" "Where is the key?" " Where is the key, my little baby?" " Excuse me." " A I think I am touching it." " Get away from him!" "I can feel it!" "I can feel it!" "It 's very small." " I'm telling the conductor!" " I got it!" "I got it!" "Wait!" "Come back!" "Don't leave me!" "Come on!" "Come on, baby!" "Giddy-up!" "Come on!" "One more mile!" "One mile!" "Come on!" "Randy?" "Hey, honey, how'd you sleep?" "Come on!" " Pass him!" " I can't." "We're too big!" "There's Silver City!" "We're here!" "Move!" " They stopped." " No." "They're moving." "Look." "Come on, let 's go!" "I can smell it!" "Daisy, Daisy" "Give me your answer true" "Hey!" "Stop the bus!" "Stop the bus!" "We gotta get off!" "Ladies, ladies!" "You know the rules." " We're not crazy, lady!" " We should've bought a squirrel." "Which is why we stole the rocket car." "If you don't open that door, I'm going to crush you like a cockroach!" "Open the door!" "Tell him!" " Open the door." " Let 's go!" "Thank you." "Bye." "Thank you." "It 's Pollini." "Enrico Pollini on a train." " He just rolled into the station." " What do you know?" "Rip Van Winkle pulled it off!" "You gotta love a long shot." "It 's here!" "It 's here!" " It 's here!" " Here he comes." " It 's you!" " He's holding the key." " Is it here?" " And he's going to the locker." "Mr. Pollini." "Well done, sir." "And congratulations!" "On behalf of Donald Sinclair, the Venetian Hotel and Casino..." "Mr. Grisham, is it over?" "Open it!" "He's sleeping!" "Did I win?" "Vicky." "You let go of this bag, or I swear to God..." "I'll report you to the Escort Service!" " Mr. Grisham, what 's going on?" " The hooker!" " The hooker is taking the money!" " What hooker?" " Vicky!" "From the hotel!" " Pepto-Bismol?" " I told you to wait in the car!" " What the hell is she doing there?" "I brought her." "I'm sorry." "She said she liked me." "But I'm beginning to think she was only interested in the money!" " Come with me." " I'll drive!" "So long, suckers!" " The bus!" " You want to steal a bus?" " Yes, I do!" " My God, what have I done?" "Help!" "This thing's got a mind of its own!" "Hold on!" "We're on our way!" " Finders keepers, pal." " That 's mine!" "I see it!" "I see it!" " It 's a scratch." "Nobody wins!" " Bullshit!" "It means we're going into extra innings." "Carla, call the airport." "Tell them to get my other Lear ready." "Keep your eye on the board." "Tell us where they're going." "Gentlemen... grab your drinks." "We're going to Silver City." " Is that it?" " That 's it." "Thank the pilot." "Tell him to level off." " All right, who had Mr. Kinichi?" " It was me!" "Keep going!" "Come on!" "There it is!" "It 's coming down." "It 's coming down right there, look!" "Oh, my God!" " Where is it?" " There it is!" "Go!" " Get it!" "Grab it!" " Come on!" "Open it!" " That is one hell of an entrance!" " It ' Smash Mouth!" "What ' going on over here?" " What 's this?" " Money." " Jesus!" "How much is this?" " Two million dollars." "Two million?" "Two million dollars, everybody!" " Two million dollars!" " On the bus... we talked about it and we decided to share all the money." "They're going to share all the money everybody!" "Oh, man!" "Let 's give these guys some jackets." "Get the jackets over here." "So what 's the story, man?" "Are you guys some organization?" "No, we just met this morning." "They just met this morning, everybody!" "Oh, my God!" "I almost didn't come along, but then I met Tracy." " Great things happen all at once." " This is beautiful!" "Beautiful!" "Great things happen." "I don't know." "Feed the Earth, baby!" "Feed the Earth!" "We're gonna check the tote board right now and see where we're at." "C'mon, baby, lit 'em up." "C'mon, baby." "You don't understand." "Excuse me." "We work for Feed The Earth... and these are some of our children." "I don't know who you people are or where you came from... but..." "God bless you." "Tonight, you've given to these kids... and their brothers and sisters all over the world... more than money." "You have given them back their faith." "Their faith in the goodness of people." "She said, "You are just like the twelve disciples."" "Thank you." "Forget it." "The others can do whatever they want with their share, but this money is going home with us." " What?" " Period." "End of story." " Put the money in the bag, carrot." "You don't know me, man." "Come here." "You." "I'm so proud of you." "Giving away all your money." "Come on." "Duane." "Momma is watching us in the mansion right now." "She's going to see you." "It 's for starving children, Duane." "Do it for Mom." "Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen." "I'd like to introduce the real star of tonight 's show." "I can honestly say that none of us would be here if it wasn't for him." "He's the man with the plan, Mr. Donald Sinclair!" "One of the wealthiest man in the world!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Donald Sinclair!" " You are the man!" " Put he camera on him!" "Nice shot!" "These men, they didn't have to be here tonight." "They could be out in the Riviera or in Vegas blowing their money... on some meaningless idiotic bet." "They couldn't do that." "Not when there are children going to bed hungry every night." "Ain't that right, fellas?" "Whatever." "Mr. Donald Sinclair and his partners want you... and the millions of people watching at home... to know they plan to match whatever you raise tonight!" " Dollar for dollar!" " Dollar for dollar!" "A matching fund!" "Let 's hit the phones out there and crank it up!" "We're gonna feed the whole world tonight!" "Thank you!" "Good night." "Hi." "Checking out." "Fourteen, three, twenty-two." " Mr. Shaffer?" " That's me." " I have your bill right here." " Thank you." " So, how was your luck last night?" " Oh, I don't..." "I didn't gamble." "I was just here for a friend's bachelor party." "He's the gambler." " Excuse me, what's these $ 110?" " Those are your in-room movies." " No, I didn't watch any movies." " Okay." "Let's see." ""Afro Whores"." " "Afro Whores"?" " You watched it... 11 times." " No, no, wait..." " "Afro Whores" 2:30, 4:00 and 5:30." "Watched "The Grinch" for 10 minutes then switched back to "Afro Whores"." "I didn't watch it." "It was a bachelor party." "There were 35 people there." "You can ask any of them." "You have to take that off my record." "It 's not a record, sir." " It 's a delete." " Okay, fine." " How many times did you watch it?" " None." "I didn't watch it." "Are you sure? "Sizzling backdoor action with 2 sexy soul sisters."" "No!" "I don't need to know what it 's about!" "I did not watch it!" "I didn't!" "Miss?" "Can I have another one of these, please?" "Oh, sorry." "I thought you were a woman." "I am a woman." " You look kind of familiar." " Yeah, you do." "I get that all the time." "I guess I just have one of those faces." "And now for our Loser Of The Week." "This week it's a no-brainer." "Templeton made the biggest bonehead call in the history of football." "It happened last Sunday at Dallas with the score tied at 10." "They were headed towards overtime." "They were about to toss the coin to see who'd kick off." " Dallas." "Call it in the air." " Tails." " That's heads!" " What?" "That's tails, man!" " No, no, no." "It's..." " That was tails." " No, it was... hang on." "It's..." " Now, what did I say?" " You said Heads." "Heads!" "Yeah!" "Heads!" "Okay, little brother, just be cool." "Just be cool." "Okay, this is it." "See the glass?" "Walk across the lobby, slip on the glass, let gravity to the rest." "I can break my neck." "It 's true." "You could break your neck." "It 's a risk I'm willing to take." "Why don't you do it?" "Because, Einstein, one of us needs to be the victim and... one of us needs to be the witness." "What kind of witness would you make?" "I'm your brother." "I don't know what you're saying." "How's your tongue?" "How does it look?" "Looks good." "It looks much better." "Okay, here we go." "We're on candid camera so... make it look good." "Excuse me." "I'm a lawyer, Gloria Allred." "What the hell happened here?" " She slipped on that glass." " Those jerks will pay for this." "They'll pay through the nose." "I've never seen such negligence." "This is going to be huge." " She's an angel." " What a cute little face." " She's absolutely beautiful." " She has your eyes." "It 's the only picture I have." "It 's worn out, I'm always looking at it." " You haven't seen her for 27 years?" " No, not till today." " She called you out of the blue?" " No, I found her." "I hired a detective, I spent all my money and now we're going to meet." " You think she'll recognize me?" " Of course she will." "Vera Baker?" "My baby." "Excuse me." "I have to take this." "This is Merrill." "That 's unacceptable!" "Tell Warren that if we don't ship by Tuesday... we won't be in the stores by Mother's Day." "That 's unacceptable!" "So don't give me any excuses and do it!" "Do it!" "Just shut up and get it done!" "Honey, you broke your phone." "It 's okay." "I carry extras." "Why don't we sit down?" "You probably have a thousand questions for me." "I was young." "I didn't tell anybody I was pregnant." "And I felt I could handle it at the time." "Hi." "Could you just pull yourselves together and bring us a drink?" " Sure." " Sure, but what would you like?" " Mimosa." " Mimosa." "They both want a Mimosa." "So you sell cosmetics?" " Yeah, I have my own company." "And we're going public." "And you're not married?" " Lucianne said you wouldn't." " Who?" "She's my psychic." "She's the one who told me to come look for you." "She said you needed me." " She did?" " She said you were lonely... that you were worried about money, and that you had trouble sleeping." "Who the hell isn't?" " See?" "We didn't need a bell man." " Congratulations, Randy." " You avoided another tip." "Thank you." " Those nickels and dimes add up." " I call this bed!" " You got to pick last night!" " Go to hell, Jason!" " Hey, language, please." "Bev, his and her bathrobes!" "Look at that view." " Yeah, nice view." " Okay, honey." "Why don't you unpack?" "I'm just going to go look around." "Wait." "You're not going to the casino?" "No, of course not." "You know I just drove from the Grand Canyon." "Gotta stretch my legs." "You swore on your mother's eyes." "We're here to see David Copperfield." " No gambling." " I'm just looking around." "In fact, I'm going to go to the gift shop." " I can jump farther than you!" " I'll see you guys later." "Watch!" "That 's gotta hurt." "Honey, kids need you!" "Hey Nick!" "Nicky!" " You're not leaving." " I'm in court on Tuesday." " No, you're not." " I work for people who are." "You pussy." "You can't leave, Nick." "It 's still going on out there." " I have to." "I got two hours sleep." " Cunningham got another stripper." " You've gotta see this one!" " I can't." "I gotta get back." "No you don't, Nick." "I know you, man." "You're scared." "You're scared it 's gonna get out of control and someday it will come back to haunt you." " I'm not having this conversation." "You didn't even gamble." "Not one quarter." "That 's no way to live." "In fact, that 's ain't even living." "It 's hiding." "I'm not hiding from anything." "Okay, then prove it." "Do something." "Anything." "I mean break one rule." "Like... here look, Nick." "Paper." "Come on, take it." "Take it." "Come on, Nick, take it." "I have a plane to catch, okay?" "See you in Chicago." "I won!" "I won!" "Look at all the money coming down!" "Look..." ""You're a winner." "See Guest Services."" "A Dollar!" "Come on, baby, come on!" "We won!" " We won one." " What 's this?" "This isn't money." " That 's the prize?" "A free buffet?" " Actually, it 's not a buffet." "It 's a special reception at 10:00 in the Penthouse Conference Room." ""Where a spectacular once in a lifetime opportunity awaits you."" "And that 's all I know." " What do you think?" " I think it 's some kind of scam." "Oh, good, a scam!" "We'll do it." " I'll need to see some ID then." " Okay." "There." "I gambled." "A family vacation, huh?" "You got to savor these moments." "They'll never come around again." " Exactly." " Excuse me." " Do you know what 's going on?" " Free grub, that 's what 's going on." " This room is fabulous!" " Excuse, me." " Does anybody know why we're here?" " Beats me." "Oh, my God!" "You should sue somebody!" " I did it myself." " What?" "He said he did it himself." "He sent away for a kit." "I knew I recognized you." "You're the referee." "The bonehead." "Well, that 's just the media blowing it out of proportion." "My hairdresser's husband lost 800 dollars because of you." " Everybody thinks we flip quarters." " Can I have a picture with you?" " It 's really a commemorative coin." " Smile!" "Am I too late?" "Look, I won a coin." "A gold coin." "Isn't this wonderful." "Look at this room." "What a beautiful room." "Have you seen this room?" "Yes." "We're in it." "I am Enrico Pollini." "Now I know what you are thinking." " Enrico is a girl's name." " No, I wasn't." " No pun intended." " What pun is that?" "Look, look at all this food." "What a beautiful party." " Little cockdoggies." " They're called cocktail wienies." "Wienies." "I'm so sorry." "My English is not so good." "But I'm learning." " That 's it." "We're out of here." " Where are we?" "I just..." "Bye, y'all!" "Excuse me!" "I'm Donald Sinclair." "I own this hotel." "We don't have much time." "There's a meteor the size of North Carolina... heading straight for earth." "The impact is going to kill everyone on this planet." "I built a bunker in the basement that can withstand the blast." "There's room for eight people." "I've chosen the seven of you, plus me." "When this is over, it will be up to us to repopulate the planet." "I couldn't resist!" "I'm sorry!" "A joke." "He made a joke." "Sit down, please." "Merrill, you and your mother can sit down over here." " How do you know she's my mother?" " Alas, there are no secrets anymore." "Actually, that 's not quite true." "There's one secret." "One last secret." "It involves all of you." "I'm getting goose pimples." "Mr. Shaffer." "Curiosity got the better of you." "Come and sit down." " I'm fine, thanks." " You haven't missed anything." "We were just cutting to the chase." ""Cutting to the chase"!" "Well, you'll laugh later." "As you know, the odds against winning a jackpot downstairs... or hitting the state lottery are astronomical." "Millions to one." "A serious person doesn't even bother with it." "But today... you have the chance to play a game... where the odds of winning are one in six." "One in six." "It 's one throw... of the dice." "This is my attorney, Mr. Grisham." "Tragically was born... without personality." "He insists that anyone who wishes participate... should sign this waiver... absolving the casino from any responsibility or damages." "So, who do you like, Claude?" "The young woman in the black coat." "She looks desperate." "But she has her mother with her." "That could slow her down." " Perhaps." " Now... 563 miles from here, is a little town called Silver City New Mexico." " Gold Rush." "Quite, right, Nick." "Yes, they struck gold there in 1860." "It was the second largest gold rush in American history." "Very good, Nick." "I think Nick should be our captain." "In the downtown Silver City, there's a train station." "As you go into the front door, there's some lockers on the right." "Do you have the keys?" "Six identical keys." "They all open the same locker, that 's locker... 001." "Inside the locker, is a red duffel bag." "Inside the red duffel bag, is two million dollars." "In cash." "Fifties and hundreds." "Makes a pile about... so big." "First one there keeps it all." "I put transmitting devices in your key rings to keep track of you." "That 's it." "Go!" " You can't pick people at random." " I can do anything I like, Owen." "I'm eccentric." " Go!" " Wait a minute, so it 's like a race?" "A race." "He said race." "I hope I win." " What are the rules?" " There's only one rule." "Are you ready?" "Here it is." "There are no rules." "Go!" " Go!" " When you say "go"... you mean..." "just "go!"?" "Begin." "Commence." "Start moving." "Theoretically, you have been racing for about 40 seconds." "And so far, Mr. Shaffer is winning... because he's nearest to the door." "He's crazy!" "A race!" "A race!" "You have to pace yourself." "Carbohydrate is important." "Pasta is good." "Breathing... is important" "Excuse me." "One, two, three..." "It 's some sort of joke." "It has to be." "What kind of jackass just gives away two million dollars?" "Maybe it 's a publicity stunt." "What kind of publicity?" "He swore us all to secrecy." "Maybe it 's a secret publicity stunt." "A secret publicity stunt?" "I don't know what it is, but there's always an angle." "People like him... make millions of dollars everyday playing people like us for chumps." " I'm nobody's chump." " So, you don't believe he is...?" "Eleven-thirty, non-stop to Chicago." "I'm going to be on it." "He's right." "I'm not cutting short my first family vacation... in three years because of some half-assed wild goose chase." "Okay, so..." "you're not going for it?" " I don't think so." " Not me." " So, I guess that 's that." " Right." "It was nice meeting you." "I'll take the stairs." "My room's 2 floors down." "Nice meeting you." "Have a nice vacation." "You know it 's probably stuck." "I think I'm going to take the stairs too." "Come on, Vera!" " Hold the door, please." " Take your time." "No rush." " Get up!" " Wait!" "Wait!" "This is crazy." "If we're all going, why don't we go together?" "You know, split the money fifty-fifty." " Fifty-fifty?" " You know what I mean." "Whatever." " That 's a good plan." " It 's a race." "It 's a race." "I'm winning!" "I'm winning!" "And they're off!" "No one, gentlemen, no one... is offering you action like this." "A horse race with animals that can think, and plan, and lie... and cheat, and play dirty!" "It 's the gambling experience of a lifetime." "It 's my way of saying:" ""I understand men like you." "I know what you want, I know what you need." "This casino, my casino... is where you belong."" "My cab!" " To the airport." " You got it." "We're out the door." "I don't see you." "Where are you?" " I forgot to tip the maid." " Forget about the maid." "There he is!" " Come on." " Okay." "Bev, this is a real job." "I swear!" "What is it?" "The job." "What 's the job?" "Ink... for fountain pens." " And they're in New Mexico?" " Silver City, New Mexico." "I love New Mexico." "Honey, we'll go with you." " No!" " Why not?" "Because we've already paid for the room." "Now who's wasting money?" "No!" "This was your idea." "I don't care about David Copperfield." "This is our family vacation." "We'll go with you." " But you don't understand..." " We will go with you!" "Fine." "Fine." "Here." "Call the bellman and have him bring the van around." "Excuse me, excuse me, I'm in a race." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "It 's a race." " What is he doing?" " I think he's sleeping." " Sleeping?" " He must be narcoleptic." " But I bet on him!" " So did I. Two million dollars." "I'm sorry gentlemen, all the bets are locked in." "Sleeping!" "Sleeping!" " Look at that!" " Don't tell me how to drive!" "Ride it!" " Where's my video game?" " Seatbelts everyone." "Honey, what is the rush?" "I don't want to be late." "This is an opportunity of a lifetime." "You're not just a travel agent, Roger, you're an angel." "There's one charter plane available in Las Vegas." "We just bagged it." "Get rid of it." "Get rid of it!" "Throw the ball!" "That 's why you're not going to get drafted!" "You'll play Arena Football!" " You like football?" " Sure." "Did you happen to catch that Dallas game last week?" "You can't really call it a game." "It was a crime against football!" "I lost twenty grand on that game, and they would've won!" "Now I've got to work two shifts because of that idiot." "Stevie Wonder could have done a better job calling that game." "Where the hell is the airport?" "One flip of the coin and everything goes down the crapper. $ 10,50." " Keep the change." " Thanks a lot!" "Have a nice flight!" "You know who that was?" "That was the ref." "The guy from the game." "The coin-toss." "Oh, my God!" "You're right!" "That was him!" "I had him in the cab and I let him go!" " Wait for me?" " Go, go, go." "Chumps." "Excuse me." "Hi." " I'm not a creep or anything." " I don't have any quarters." "I never do this, but I'm reading the same book you are." "Look." "See?" "Lindbergh." "It 's fantastic, isn't it?" "What part are you on?" " He just had a sex change." " Who did?" "Lindbergh?" "A sex change?" " That 's funny." " I though so." "But don't be too proud of yourself." "I'm the most gullible guy in Chicago." " Can I buy you a drink?" " I can't." "I'm flying." " So it will relax you." " I mean I'm flying." "I'm a pilot." "Pilot?" "Are there a lot of female pilots?" "There's at least one." "As soon as I walk away, I'll think of something great to say to that." "Good." "Mail it to me." "Flight 115 to Albuquerque." "Gate seventeen." "You better hurry." "4 tickets to Albuquerque, please." "Near the front of the plane." "Come on!" "This is so exciting." "I've never been on a private plane before." "It 's bigger than my condo." " Gentlemen, what 's our E.T.A.?" " One hour and ten minutes." "If you can do it in less than an hour, I'll buy you both dinner." "You're on." " Watch it!" "Excuse me." " Move, move!" " Who was next?" " I was." " I was!" " I was!" "What?" "You were not next!" " Are you calling me a liar?" " I am." "We're in line for 20 minutes." "Hold on." "Is that the correct time?" "Yes, it is." " Who's next?" " They are." "Two tickets to Albuquerque." "Sorry." "We're completely booked." "There's nothing." "There's a 4:30, but you have to switch in Dallas." "I have had it." "What do you mean that 's it?" "I'm not giving up." "And neither are you." "And neither am I!" "I'll tell you something, brother:" "If we're not flying out of here, no one is flying out of here." "That can't be good." "Duane!" "Blaine!" "Blaine!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "Blaine!" "Shit!" " Stop the car!" " Help!" " Duane!" "Stop!" "Stop!" " I can't!" "Duane, what are you doing?" " What are you doing?" "Stop the car!" " Move!" "Duane, stop the car!" "Stop the car!" "Blaine!" "Freeze everything." "Every flight." "Get me Central Operation." "Attention all passengers." "Due to a technical problem with our radar... all flights are postponed until further notice." "We apologize for any inconvenience." "Come on, we gotta go." " Hurry up!" "Let 's go!" " Wait!" "Dad!" "Forget the bags!" "Let 's go!" "Out of the way!" " This is your license?" " Yes, it is." " Where was it issued?" " In Guam." "Just head East!" "And I'm in a hurry!" "Hello again." "East it is." " We have a mid-size Caprice." " What color is it?" "We don't care." "Just give us any car that 's parked closest to the door." "Ask about insurance." " Would you like liability insurance?" " How much is it?" "It doesn't matter!" "We'll take it." "Just hurry." "Hit "enter"." "Now "shift"." ""Shift" key." "Hey, watch it!" "Out, idiot!" "Okay, I've got one." " What?" " A great comeback." ""Are there a lot of female pilots?" You said: "There's at least one."" "I should of said:" ""Two, if you count Lindbergh."" "Cause you said he had a sex change." "It 's a work in progress." " I'm Nick Schaffler." " Tracy Faucet." " You can have that drink now." " I told you I'm flying." " To Roswell in 5 minutes." " Everybody's grounded." "That 's only for fixed wings." "I'm in a chopper." "It 's different system." "Roswell, New Mexico?" "You're flying to New Mexico?" "We've been flying down all week." "They're repainting the whole fleet." "You can fly." "Nobody else can fly." "But you can fly." "And you're flying to New Mexico." "And nobody else can fly." "Do you need a ride?" " Coconut." " Coconut." "Who had coconut?" "I did." "Phil." " That 's the kind of car I'm getting." " Yeah?" "Don't count on it." " Why not?" " The Beetle was used by the Nazis." " I'd not be comfortable driving one." " So, don't drive it." "I will." " Dad, I have to go." " No, you don't." " Yes, I do." "I really do." " We just stopped." "I couldn't go." "The bathroom was too gross." " Can't you hold it in?" " I can't." "It 's an emergency." " Honey, there's a restaurant." " That 's 3 miles off the road." " We lose ten minutes." " So what?" "Your daughter has to go." " Please stop, Dad!" " Jason, look for an empty jar." " A jar?" "Girls don't pee in jars." " All right, sorry." "Jason, we're going to need a jar and a funnel." " I don't have to pee!" "It 's number 2!" " Sorry, I can't stop." " Dad, I'm prairie dogging it." " What the hell does that mean?" "Like when a prairie dog sticks its head in and out of the ground." "I do not wanna picture that." "Yes, sir." "Silver City it is, buddy." "It 's about 700 miles." "You don't mind, do you?" "Oh, no." "I don't mind." "A job's just another job for me." " About how much that 's gonna cost?" " I wouldn't worry about it." "Tell you what." "You just pay me whatever you think is fair." "Cause..." "I trust your judgment." " I hate you!" "I hate you!" " All right, nobody look." "I'm going to turn on the radio, honey, so you nobody can hear you." "I'll never forgive you." "I hate you!" "Nobody can hear you, honey." "Push away!" "I'll drop you off right there." "In the parking lot near the hospital." "Great." "Great." " So what 's wrong with her?" " Who?" "Your sister." "You said it was serious." " Shark bite." " A shark bite?" " They took her to Silver City?" " There's a shark attack unit there." "How fast was I going?" " Where are we?" " It 's a shortcut I know." " We should stick to the highway." " There's a thought." "You say we should take highway." "I say we should take my shortcut." "Why don't we just flip a coin?" " It 's not what you think!" " Come here, blind son-of-a-bitch!" " Where's that whistle?" " Wait!" " I'm gonna cram it up your ass!" " Wait!" "Come back here!" "Arrivederci!" "I'll kill him!" " Squirrels?" " No." "Thank you." " We're looking for the Interstate." " I get that a lot, it 's the detour." "Now they lost their way." "Now they can't go home." " You sure you don't want one?" " We're sure." "Thank you." "They make crackerjack pets." "I taught this one to shake hands." "He's not for sale, though." "Who wants to go home with the nice ladies?" "Pick me, pick me!" "Don't be afraid, I don't bite." " What 's your name, pretty lady?" " Vera." " Ma'am, we're not interested." " I'm not talking to you, am I?" "I'm talking to Vera." "What about Buckey here?" "He just loves to climb the trees, eat the nuts..." "We do not want a squirrel!" "Now, do you know where the Interstate is?" "Of course I do, I'm not retarded." "Tell them about the short cut." "Thank you, Buckey." "I almost forgot." "There's a dandy shortcut." "To exit 14." "It'll save you 30 miles." "Listen carefully." "You go straight down here, exactly 1.8 miles." " 1.8 miles." " Make a left at Totem Pole Ranch." "Go 5.4 miles and you're gonna go up a big hill... and you'll see a big yellow sign with graffiti on it." "There's a dirt road, turn right, it will take you to the interstate." " Thank you very much." " Wait a minute." "Take some nuts with you..." "Just in case you see a squirrel." " Okay?" " Okay." "Bye." "You could've bought me." "Dammit, dammit." "Where am I?" "A Barbie Museum!" "Can we stop?" "Sorry, Kimmy, we have a plan." "And we're gonna stick to the plan." "Please, Daddy." "Please, please." "It 's not fair." "We never get to stop at anywhere I want to." "I'm sure Jason doesn't want to go the Barbie Museum." "Are you kidding?" "I'll stop anywhere." "I'm wigging out back here." "C'mon, you really need to pull over and stop to give the kids a break." " Maybe on the way back." " Stop the car." " I can't do that." " We all need to stop the car." " No can do!" " You need to stop the car!" " No!" " Could you please stop that car?" " Okay, fine." "But ten minutes." " Wow, the Barbie Museum!" "Klaus Barbie." "Sometimes known as "The Butcher of Lyons"." "Let the Jew revisionist talk about the death camps... and so called "crimes against humanity"." "This museum is lovingly dedicated to the Klaus Barbie that nobody knows." "The husband, the devoted father, the wine connoisseur... and three-time ballroom dancing champion." "Hey, there is the guy." "Barbie joined the SS in 1935... where he soon became one of the Führer's favorite young officers." " Can we go?" " With greater responsibilities." "Here we see him standing by Hitler's touring car." "The very same car which can be seen on display outside in our courtyard." "You're leaving?" "We have a16:30 book burning and then, and then we have a..." " A Christening." "...a christening." "For one of our many white Christian non-Jewish friend." " Family." " Restroom." "The Hemler Hessin Van Sturichberg..." " Thank you so much." " I love your do." "Thank you." "It 's beautiful." " Wow!" "A gift shop." " I know." "Next time, I promise." " Let 's go." "Let 's go." " Oh, my God!" " We've been caught!" " What do we do now?" " I say we take the interstate." " No, take highway 12." " Is a shortcut." " But you don't know what it is." " It could be a dirt road." " Maybe we should separate." " What?" " There's two of us." "Maybe we should separate." "You're right." "You're a genius." "If we separate, and you steal a car, we can both go our own way." " And double our chances." " Alright, you take this..." "We only have one key." "Look!" "There it its." "Totem Pole Ranch." "Turn left." "1.8 miles exactly." "All right, Squirrel Lady." "I can't believe it, Dad." "You just stole Adolph Hitler's Mercedes Benz." "Hitler had it coming." "What goes around, comes around." "Dad, they're gonna be pissed." "They're always pissed, honey." "They're Nazis." "It 's their job." "Honey, when we get to Silver City... we'll call them." "We'll work something out." " North?" " A detour." "It'll just take a minute." "I just wanted to say "hi" to my boyfriend." "I can't believe it." "That son-of-a-bitch!" "That 's Charlene's car!" " Charlene?" " His ex-girlfriend, or so I thought." "I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation." "She probably came by just to pick up some clothes or something." "Nice and warm, huh?" "Did I come at a bad time, asshole?" "I'm gonna ram this helicopter right down your throat!" " What are you doing?" " Don't worry!" "My father's a pilot!" " I've been flying since I was 15!" " I'm worried about me!" "Shawn, do you have a minute?" "I want to talk about our relationship!" "Suck on that, creep!" "No!" "Not the truck!" "The hood!" "Oh, my God!" "Come on, help me." "Open it." " Tracy, I'm not comfortable with..." " Open it!" "She's going to kill me." " We should get out of here." " Not yet." "You two-timing, back-stabbing snake!" "You worm!" "You turd!" "My God!" "What was I thinking?" "I'm getting the tattoo removed!" "There you go, baby!" "Wait for me!" " I think we just killed him." " You can't." "He's like a cockroach." "Fix the..." "Should we be this low?" "Come on, let 's keep going!" "Come on!" "We just violated about 115 federal laws." " We?" " I'm going." "Are you coming?" "I don't think I'm..." "Nice meeting you." "Get out of the truck, Shawn!" "That 's it, Tracy!" "You and I are through!" "Tracy!" "Wait!" " The first illegal thing I've done." " How does it feel?" "I'm shaking." "But that could be from the helicopter crash." " Get out of my truck, Tracy!" " It 's my truck!" "I paid for it!" " And who is this?" " I'm nobody." " Yeah, you are nobody." " Yeah, nobody." "You stay away from her, unless you're tired of living." "While you're here, do me a favor." "Charlene left a bra in the truck!" "Can you make sure she gets it?" "Thanks, honey." " So where's the driver?" " He's in the powder room." "We're never going to get to Santa Fe by three o'clock." " This is ridiculous." " Ridiculous." " I really wish he'd hurry." " It just seems very unprofessional." "You got to help me, my wife's out back." "She's having a baby!" " She's having a what?" " A baby!" " A baby?" " It 's half out!" "I can see the head!" " I need your jacket." " Why?" "For her amniotic sack!" "Her amniotic fluid, it 's all gushing out!" " Gushing?" " The jacket!" "The jacket!" "Give me the jacket!" "And your pants." " My pants?" " Yeah, for her "Placentia"... her labia..." "cervical, and... mucus." "It 's gushing!" "And it 's just a hole, and..." "The pants!" " And the hat." " My hat?" "Why my hat?" "For her... vagina!" " Let 's go, ladies." "All aboard." " What happened to Marty?" "Family emergency." "His wife's having a baby." " A baby?" " I'm Owen." "I'm your new driver." "Quiet!" "Quiet everybody!" "Simmer down!" "We're going to be on our way in just a minute." "This is Owen." "He's our new driver." "Everyone say "hello"." "Hello, Owen!" "Our next stop is our third annual "I Love Lucy" convention... in Santa Fe, New Mexico!" " What 'd you say?" " Babaloo!" " Is he dead?" " Hey, mister, are you dead?" "It 's a race!" "It 's a race!" "Run." "Run." "Like crystal lightning!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "Not good." "Not good." "Don't move!" "Stay there!" "I saw the whole thing!" "I'll be right down!" "Shit, Gloria Allred!" "Hey, buddy, are you okay?" "You okay?" "You're back!" "You look great." "You don't want to report this, do you?" " Taxi!" " You don't need a taxi!" "Come on." " Where are you going?" " Silver City, New Mexico." " I am in a race." " Silver City?" "It 's your lucky day!" "I'm going to El Paso." "It 's right on the way." "Come on." "I've got to be there by 7 tonight, I'm going to be driving very fast." "Great." "Just want one copy?" "'Cause I got an extra one for half price." "Just one." "And hurry." "That 's the best idea you ever had." "We split up, we take two keys we double our chances of winning." " It can't fail." " You remember where we're going?" " Silver City, New Mexico." " Right." "Train station locker, 001." " 001." "Rule number one, Discretion." "Don't talk to anybody." " I won't." "I promise." " I'm serious." "It 's 2 million dollars." "In cash." "People would just kill us to get their hands on that key." "I love you." " Little brother, you steal a car." " I'm gonna steal that Corvette." "I don't care." "I'll meet you in Silver City." "Don't forget your key." "That motherfucking asshole!" "I'm gonna kill him!" "There he is!" "Go!" "Go!" "Okay, we're at 2.4 miles." " There's the yellow sign, turn right." " I see it." " You see it?" " I see it." "I just love this." "This is like a treasure hunt!" "Slow down!" "I can't!" "I guess my favorite episode, if I have to pick one, is number 34." "Ladies!" "Lucy, Lucy, stay behind the line, please!" "You remember that one when Ricky thought he was going bald?" "I don't remember that one." "It sounds like a masterpiece." "How about the one she gets stuck in the fridge?" "Ma'am!" "Lucy!" "You have to put that out, please!" "Lucy, your hair!" "Thank you." "I can't decide whether to keep it up or try something new." "It 's on fire!" " Stop the bus!" " We're not stopping!" "Put it out!" " Put it out!" "We're not stopping!" " Stop!" "The bathroom!" "Two million dollars." "Two million dollars." "Two million dollars." "Two million dollars." "Two million dollars." " Donald Sinclair?" "The billionaire?" " It sounds crazy, I know, but..." "I think it 's on the level." "We have to decide 'yes' or 'no' right now." "If everybody else had to drive here, we have a 3 hour head start." " You're proposing..." " A corporation." "Faucet and Shaffer." "If we win, we split everything fifty-fifty." "Here... you can even hold the key." " What do you think?" " I don't know." "I'm in shock." "Three hours ago I was sitting in the airport." "I had a job." " I was reading a book." " My grandfather used to say..." ""Good things take time." "Great things happen all at once."" " Jason, where'd you get that?" " I found it under the seat." " Give it to me!" "You can't play that!" " Why not?" "Because it 's Hitler's harmonica." "You can't play Hitler's harmonica." " You're driving his car." " I'm not touching it with my mouth." "I'm not sucking on the dashboard." "I'm not getting his germs." "Dad, look what I found." " Where'd you get those?" " The floor." "Look, I'm Mrs. Hitler." " Take those off right now." " Look at this." "A lipstick." "It 's dark." "That Eva Braun had style, didn't she?" " She was Hitler's girlfriend!" " Give us a kiss." " It 's not funny." "Give me that!" " Honey!" "It got all over my hand." "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" "Find out what it means to me Respect" "Just a little bit Just a little bit" "Just..." "Look at us go." "We are zooming." "I told you." "We're hauling ass." "We're hauling ass." "All righty!" "Guess what I got back there." "You just told me, ass." "We're hauling ass." "No, that 's just an expression." " It 's a heart." " A heart?" "A human heart." "Some lucky bastard in El Paso is waiting for it." "They normally put it on a plane, but the airport 's all closed down." "You want to see it?" "See what?" " Are we allowed?" " We'll just take a peek." "One peek." "What could happen?" "It needs fresh air." "It 's been locked up in that cooler for seven hours." " Oopsy-daisy!" "I get it." " Don't step on it!" " I think I found it." " No, that 's a caramel apple." "This is wrong." "This is so wrong." "God is going to smote us." "We're going to get smote!" "Come on, we're siphoning gas." "It 's not a smoting offense." "This shouldn't be turning me on, should it?" " What are you doing?" " Seventeen cups of coffee." "I guess that 's it." "I guess not." "Oh, honey, let 's turn this thing off, uh?" "Son-of-a-bitch!" " Oh, man!" " Dammit!" "Keep going!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "He's stopping!" "Cause he knows not to mess with us." " Gotta wait!" "Too much wind!" " Guys, I need you to move!" "What are you doing?" "Hey, man, what...?" "I know what I'm doing!" "I'm going to get you!" "Get back here!" "I'll get him." "I'll get you, stupid hardware guy!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" " Stand up." "Grab the rope!" " Give me rope!" "I'm going to get you!" "Stand up." "Ready?" "Grab it." "Missed it!" "Duane!" " Stop the car!" " Hang on, buddy!" "Please stop!" "I got it!" "I got it!" "Hang on!" " My God!" " Blaine!" "Blaine!" "Oh, my God!" "Move!" "Watch out!" "Shit!" "Oh, God!" "Help!" " Give me my key!" " What are you talking about?" "Give me back my key!" "Give me the key!" "Blaine!" " It 's me!" " Duane!" "Oh, my god!" " I thought you were dead." " I got the key." " How's it going, Captain?" " So far, so good." " How about a pit stop?" " Sorry." "This is a one-way flight." " There's a bathroom in the back." " The latch is broken." " Anybody could just come in." " So what?" "You ain't got nothing the other Lucy's haven't seen already." "Not necessarily." " Please, will you stop screaming?" " Damn!" "Help me!" "Say something!" "Oh, shit." "Owen, what are you doing?" " It 's a flat tire, stay on the bus." " You're turning it the wrong way." "I know what I'm doing!" "Get on the bus!" " You should check the oil." " Wait, wait, wait!" "You're supposed to change the air in the tires every 12,000 miles." " I can fix it." " Give me that!" "Wait!" "No!" "That 's the spare!" " We'll still catch it." " Try it!" "Try it!" "No, turn it around." "Just turn it around." "Please be careful." "Wait, what is that?" " It 's a nickel." " Will you please put it in the bag?" "Why don't you check over there?" "Maybe it bounced." "I'm a dead man." "Don't worry, my friend, we will find the heart." "I have lost my heart many times before." "I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are." "I don't think it got this far." "Let 's check down by the road." "Hello!" "A doggy!" "Hello, there!" "He's a good doggy." "Here." "Fetch it!" "Look at him go!" " Here, boy!" " Doggy!" "Good boy." "Grab it!" "Really is a beautiful car." " I mean, look at this mahogany." " Gorgeous." "You just don't see that anymore, you know?" " I wonder what this is?" " Careful, it 's a cigarette lighter." " I don't think they had those then." " Yes, they did." "Oh, honey!" "Did you burn yourself?" "I told you." "Oh, God!" "Sorry." "My husband, he burned his finger, ma'am." "He was pulling and then..." " Bev!" "Not helping!" "Not helping!" " Sorry." " Hi." " Hi." "I really like your dike... bike." "Nice." "Cut them off!" "Man in front!" "What are you, nuts?" "Kids, stay down!" "This thing wont go any faster!" "The headlights!" "Are you insane?" "This is Hitler's car!" "Tell them everything that happened and ask them to call the police... and a toll truck." " Hello." " Hello." "Are you Harold?" "I'm Vicky." "Are you going to invite me in?" "Or you want to party in the hallway?" "Please, come in." "Not too shabby." " Where are you from, Harry?" " From here." " Las Vegas." " Local boy makes good." "So, Harry, what can I do for you?" "Okay, here's what I want." "First we both get naked." "So far, so good." "Only we're wearing sailor hats." "And then... we get into a Jacuzzi... filled with Pepto-Bismol." "And I clip your toenails." "And you shave my buttocks." "Pardon me?" "Okay, naked, Jacuzzi, Pepto-Bismol, toenails... shave my buttocks." "How much would that cost?" "Jeez, honey, you have quite an imagination." "How much would it cost?" "Well, let 's see." "A party like that... three thousand dollars." "Okay, three thousand dollars!" "Who has three thousand?" "Carlton has 2,800." "He's the closest." "I think it 's okay." "What do you think?" "What about those little holes?" "Are they bite marks?" "That 's how it was." "I'm pretty sure." "What am I doing?" "I can't go to El Paso with this!" "Look at it!" "It 's going to leak like a sieve!" "The guy's going to be alive for like two minutes and then..." " A drifter!" " A drifter?" "We find a drifter... kill him, cut out his heart." "Nobody's gonna miss him." "He's an invisible man." "It 's a perfect plan." "Mr. Zack, now you are giving me the freak-out..." "Where do I find a drifter?" "Enrico where did you say you were from?" " Me?" "I am from Napoli." "And your family, they're back there?" "No, my Papa, he is dead." "And my Mama." "All gone." "Any family?" "Kids?" "I am completely alone." "Why..." "Why you...?" "Look, a drifter!" "Let 's kill him!" "Son-of-a..." "Come back here!" "You're not going anywhere today." "You got a crack in your radiator." " The tank in front of this engine." " I know what a radiator is!" " Where can we rent a car?" " Albuquerque." " We'll just have to patch it." " Patch it?" "Patch it with what?" "Sand and tire sealant." "You mix the two together, it forms an adhesive." "It should last a couple of hours." "We have only what, 30 miles to go?" "Darling, we don't have any sand." "Hello?" "We're in the desert!" "We should've bought a squirrel." "Mother Mercy!" "Where'd you come from?" "Car trouble?" "Here, sit down." "You two look exhausted." "How long have you been out there?" " Here, have something to drink." " Gentlemen, members of the press..." " What 's going on?" " Rocket scientists from LA." "They're trying to break the land speed record." "With its unique combination of automotive innovation... the "Lightning Two" represents three years of R and D... which was conducted at the California Institute of Technology." "The design team was led by professor Ken Freedman and Dr. Richard Kramer." "Aerodynamically, it 's the most perfect vehicle ever designed." "The entire vehicle weighs less than 850 pounds." "The body is a one-piece Kevlar." "The wheels are solid aluminum." "And she's powered by twin JE-79 turbo jet engines." "The same engines that are in the F-4 Phantom Jet." "Any questions?" " What is the current record?" " That would be 742 miles per hour." " But we hope to break it today." " Anyone else?" " How much you expect...?" " How do you start it?" "Good question." "There's a green lever to the left of the steering wheel... which engages the primary thruster..." " 740, 745..." " That 's a record!" "They're gonna break the sound barrier!" "That 's it." "I still don't think she's gonna hold." " What do we owe you?" " Five hundred bucks." " What?" " For what?" "For 2/4 of sealant?" "No way!" "That 's twenty bucks, tops!" "Here's forty dollars." "That 's double what it 's worth, okay?" "Come on, Nick, let 's go." "Hold it." "Another little tool no mechanic should be without." "Alright, fine, fine." "Here's your five hundred dollars." "But you know what, Billy Ray?" "What goes around, comes around." " This is so un-Christian!" " Un-Christian?" "If the Lord don't like the way I do business, let Him say something." "Let him give me a sign." "Oh, Lord..." "I'm here and I'm listening!" "Hello?" " Mach one!" " We did it!" "We did it!" "Is everybody okay?" "You're all right?" " Randy, are you okay?" " There's no Ink Inc." " What?" " There's no job." "It 's a race." "We're racing." "Donald Sinclair put 2 million in a locker." "I want to get there first." "I do not want to work at Home Depot!" "Okay, people, back on the bus." "George, don't eat that." "Back on the bus!" "Come on, back on the bus!" "Simon, put that down!" "You too." "Back on the bus." "Come on, everyone!" "We don't want to miss dinner." "It 's macaroni night!" "Come on!" " We came in a rocket car." " Oh, a rocket car." "Let 's hear all about that on the bus." "All right, so we can still win... but we have to leave now." "All right?" "So, come on..." "Dad, it 's been a living hell." "But it 's two million dollars." "It 's a lifetime supply of hummus." "I've been selfish." "I understand." "I'm sorry." "Really, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I almost got us killed!" "Hi, everybody." "Missed me?" "Listen, just to show there are no hard feelings, chocolate shakes!" " Are you okay?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm a little disappointed, but I'm an adult." "Drink these up and we'll return the Nazi-mobile, get the van fixed... and then we'll go back to Vegas." "See David Copperfield!" "Okay, drink up, buddy." "Is it good?" "Drink it up, honey." "Don't feel bad." "It 's not your fault." "We'll tell the company." "We won't let them fire you." " I'm not a bus driver." " Don't say that." "I'm not!" "I'm not a bus driver!" "You mustn't be so hard on yourself." "Hey, everybody, who's the world's greatest bus driver?" "Owen!" "Listen, listen." "Shut up, you crazy Lucy bitches!" "Shut up!" "I am not a bus driver!" "I do not work for the bus company!" "I needed a ride to New Mexico!" "So I stole this uniform!" "See this jacket?" "This is not my jacket!" "Remember Marty, the bus driver?" "This is his shirt!" "I stole it!" "You think I'd wear these pants?" "These aren't my pants!" "These are Marty's pants!" "I stole them!" "I am not a bus driver!" "You're not a real bus driver?" "You lied to us!" "He ruined our whole vacation!" "Here they come." "They're almost within 50 miles." "It 's the final lap." "Mr. Grisham!" "The airport 's back on line, so I want you to fly to Silver City to give us the play-by-play." " Yes, sir." "Let 's go back to Vegas." "Bev, wake up!" "Come on, wake up!" "Wake up!" "Third Reich's here, come on!" "Get down!" "You want to have a nice life." "Okay, okay, think!" "SS in the parking lot!" "Not good!" "Not good!" "Think!" " Hi, honey." " Are they going to be all right?" "I don't think there's room." "This one's little." "There it is!" "There it is!" "Silver City!" "We're almost there!" "Go!" "Where the fuck are we?" "There were two guys in there." "Where'd they go?" "What are you doing?" "I got something for you." "Silver City." "Next stop, Silver City." "Silver City?" "It is the finish line." "I made it!" "I made it!" "The key?" "Where is the key?" " Where is the key, my little baby?" " Excuse me." " A I think I am touching it." " Get away from him!" "I can feel it!" "I can feel it!" "It 's very small." " I'm telling the conductor!" " I got it!" "I got it!" "Wait!" "Come back!" "Don't leave me!" "Come on!" "Come on, baby!" "Giddy-up!" "Come on!" "One more mile!" "One mile!" "Come on!" "Randy?" "Hey, honey, how'd you sleep?" "Come on!" " Pass him!" " I can't." "We're too big!" "There's Silver City!" "We're here!" "Move!" " They stopped." " No." "They're moving." "Look." "Come on, let 's go!" "I can smell it!" "Daisy, Daisy" "Give me your answer true" "Hey!" "Stop the bus!" "Stop the bus!" "We gotta get off!" "Ladies, ladies!" "You know the rules." " We're not crazy, lady!" " We should've bought a squirrel." "Which is why we stole the rocket car." "If you don't open that door, I'm going to crush you like a cockroach!" "Open the door!" "Tell him!" " Open the door." " Let 's go!" "Thank you." "Bye." "Thank you." "It 's Pollini." "Enrico Pollini on a train." " He just rolled into the station." " What do you know?" "Rip Van Winkle pulled it off!" "You gotta love a long shot." "It 's here!" "It 's here!" " It 's here!" " Here he comes." " It 's you!" " He's holding the key." " Is it here?" " And he's going to the locker." "Mr. Pollini." "Well done, sir." "And congratulations!" "On behalf of Donald Sinclair, the Venetian Hotel and Casino..." "Mr. Grisham, is it over?" "Open it!" "He's sleeping!" "Did I win?" "Vicky." "You let go of this bag, or I swear to God..." "I'll report you to the Escort Service!" " Mr. Grisham, what 's going on?" " The hooker!" " The hooker is taking the money!" " What hooker?" " Vicky!" "From the hotel!" " Pepto-Bismol?" " I told you to wait in the car!" " What the hell is she doing there?" "I brought her." "I'm sorry." "She said she liked me." "But I'm beginning to think she was only interested in the money!" " Come with me." " I'll drive!" "So long, suckers!" " The bus!" " You want to steal a bus?" " Yes, I do!" " My God, what have I done?" "Help!" "This thing's got a mind of its own!" "Hold on!" "We're on our way!" " Finders keepers, pal." " That 's mine!" "I see it!" "I see it!" " It 's a scratch." "Nobody wins!" " Bullshit!" "It means we're going into extra innings." "Carla, call the airport." "Tell them to get my other Lear ready." "Keep your eye on the board." "Tell us where they're going." "Gentlemen... grab your drinks." "We're going to Silver City." " Is that it?" " That 's it." "Thank the pilot." "Tell him to level off." " All right, who had Mr. Kinichi?" " It was me!" "Keep going!" "Come on!" "There it is!" "It 's coming down." "It 's coming down right there, look!" "Oh, my God!" " Where is it?" " There it is!" "Go!" " Get it!" "Grab it!" " Come on!" "Open it!" " That is one hell of an entrance!" " It ' Smash Mouth!" "What ' going on over here?" " What 's this?" " Money." " Jesus!" "How much is this?" " Two million dollars." "Two million?" "Two million dollars, everybody!" " Two million dollars!" " On the bus... we talked about it and we decided to share all the money." "They're going to share all the money everybody!" "Oh, man!" "Let 's give these guys some jackets." "Get the jackets over here." "So what 's the story, man?" "Are you guys some organization?" "No, we just met this morning." "They just met this morning, everybody!" "Oh, my God!" "I almost didn't come along, but then I met Tracy." " Great things happen all at once." " This is beautiful!" "Beautiful!" "Great things happen." "I don't know." "Feed the Earth, baby!" "Feed the Earth!" "We're gonna check the tote board right now and see where we're at." "C'mon, baby, lit 'em up." "C'mon, baby." "You don't understand." "Excuse me." "We work for Feed The Earth... and these are some of our children." "I don't know who you people are or where you came from... but..." "God bless you." "Tonight, you've given to these kids... and their brothers and sisters all over the world... more than money." "You have given them back their faith." "Their faith in the goodness of people." "She said, "You are just like the twelve disciples."" "Thank you." "Forget it." "The others can do whatever they want with their share, but this money is going home with us." " What?" " Period." "End of story." " Put the money in the bag, carrot." "You don't know me, man." "Come here." "You." "I'm so proud of you." "Giving away all your money." "Come on." "Duane." "Momma is watching us in the mansion right now." "She's going to see you." "It 's for starving children, Duane." "Do it for Mom." "Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen." "I'd like to introduce the real star of tonight 's show." "I can honestly say that none of us would be here if it wasn't for him." "He's the man with the plan, Mr. Donald Sinclair!" "One of the wealthiest man in the world!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Donald Sinclair!" " You are the man!" " Put he camera on him!" "Nice shot!" "These men, they didn't have to be here tonight." "They could be out in the Riviera or in Vegas blowing their money... on some meaningless idiotic bet." "They couldn't do that." "Not when there are children going to bed hungry every night." "Ain't that right, fellas?" "Whatever." "Mr. Donald Sinclair and his partners want you... and the millions of people watching at home... to know they plan to match whatever you raise tonight!" " Dollar for dollar!" " Dollar for dollar!" "A matching fund!" "Let 's hit the phones out there and crank it up!" "We're gonna feed the whole world tonight!" "Thank you!" "Good night."