"Okay, fine." "See you." "No!" "What's the matter, Salem?" "Ringworm got you down?" "My mother's coming for a visit." "I called to wish her a happy Mother's Day, and..." "Oh, why didn't I just send the dry-roasted almonds like I usually do?" "[SALEM CRIES]" "You should be happy your mother's coming." "I haven't seen my mother in over a year." "I'm a witch and she's a mortal and if she looks at me, she'll turn into a ball of wax, which is the stupidest rule I've ever heard of" "Hey!" "We were talking about me." "Well, your mom knows you're now a cat, right?" "[CRYING]" "How could you keep that a secret?" "It slipped my mind?" "You don't understand." "My mother's very critical." "I once wore sandals to the dinner table and she sent me to military school." "Were they flip-flops?" "Because then I'm with her." "Sabrina, please, don't make me face my mother as a cat." "She'll hate me." "Use your magic." "Send me somewhere." "Anywhere." "I'm begging you." "Okay." "Oh, yes." "She'll never see me here." "Watch the show, then call me in the morning." "Stat!" " Ah!" "There's Salem." " Oh, maybe he won't see us." "SALEM:" "Please?" "Ugh." "Salem, we are not sending you to Palm Beach." "Okay, Tucson, Chattanooga, Moose Jaw, anywhere." "She's your mother." "She'll find you." "[CRYING]" "I still think we should visit our mother." "I just don't feel like taking a long trip right now." "Hilda, it'll take a 50th of a second." "Aunt Zelda, Aunt Hilda." "I didn't expect to find you standing right here." "That's the problem when a linen closet is your portal to the Other Realm." "Every now and then, you need towels." "Hi, Dashiell." "How was the date?" "What'd you do?" "Where'd you go?" "Anyone get kissed?" "ZELDA:" "We'll leave you two alone." "HILDA:" "We're her legal guardians." "We're morally obligated to snoop." "I hope you had fun tonight." "I know you never time-travelled before." "I loved it." "Sliding from Canada to Mexico on the glacier was amazing." "Except for that whole raw-butt thing." "Ha, ha." "You're the most amazing, wonderful girl I've ever been out with." "You must be a mind reader because that's exactly what I wanted to hear." "HILDA:" "It's as if you're trying to tell me something." "You know, I've always heard that if you enjoyed a kiss, then the other person probably enjoyed it too." "Really?" "I never heard that." " No." "Yes, I did." " Bye." "[THUD]" "ZELDA:" "Oh." "Ow." "I don't think this is practical." "Oh, Dash." "HARVEY:" "Hey." "Ow." " Where'd you get the rose?" " I found it." " So, what's new in your life?" " Actually, I need a favour." "Could you help me buy a Mother's Day present?" "For your mom?" "Last year, I got her a can opener." "I really have to stop taking gift advice from my dad." " Everything okay?" " I miss my mom." "She's still on an archaeology expedition in Peru." " You should visit her." " I would, but then" "Waiting for the ancient city of Machu Picchu to get an Arby's." "So does your mom like wine cheese?" "She finds it binding." "Really?" "Well, there's always jewellery or bran." "Ha, ha." " We'll find something." " You're the best." "Oh, Harvey." "I have a very big problem." "ZELDA:" "Hilda?" "HILDA:" "Coming." "Why are you so resistant to the idea of seeing our own mother?" "Because she likes you better than she likes me." "What?" "That's ridiculous." "She loves us both exactly the same." "Perhaps she should like me better, but I don't think she does." "How come on your 8th birthday you got an entire observatory and I got corrective shoes?" "Because I like stars and you have those funny toes." "Is Salem in the hamper again?" "SALEM:" "No." "Hello, Braveheart." "SALEM:" "Don't make me face her." "See?" "No one wants to be with their mother." "That's why there's a billion-dollar greeting-card industry." "We're leaving." "Salem, tell Sabrina to zap in something healthy for dinner." "Not just Fluffernutter." "And don't try to escape through your cat door, because I nailed it shut." "SALEM:" "Mean." "Mother never loved me when I was human." "One little hug and I wouldn't have tried to take over Poland." "[BELL RINGS]" "[CLEARS THROAT]" "What are you doing here?" "I left my clone back in my high school." "I just hope I can read his history notes this time." "Hey, you want to become invisible and go give the queen a wedgie?" "Sounds like fun." "I can't." "I promised Harv" "A friend that I'd go shopping." "Just take a rain cheque." "I'd love to, but I can't break a promise." "Man, I like you." "Would you mind if I just stared at you all day?" " I'll send you a picture." " Ready to go shopping?" "Sure." "As soon as I get my chemistry book." " For you." " Thanks." "Did it rain?" "Salem, Mother's here." "SALEM:" "Momsie?" " Where are you?" "SALEM:" "Down here." "Salem?" "What on earth happened?" "I tried to take over the world." "The Witches' Council sentenced me to 100 years as a cat." "I eat off the floor and sleep by the dryer." "Go ahead, let me have it." "Salem Saberhagen, you always disappoint me." "SALEM:" "Uh-huh." " You're selfish and irresponsible." "You're a terrible person." "But if you aren't the cutest little kitty" "I have ever seen in my entire life." " I am?" " Come to Mama." "[SALEM GIGGLING]" "SALEM:" "Chanel?" "Well, that was fun." "Sorry I couldn't make up my mind about a gift." "There's nothing wrong with any of the sweaters you showed me" " or the perfume." " Or the earrings or the picture frames or the foot massagers." "I just really want this present for my mom to be perfect." "Especially since you wrecked her car last week." "And I kind of love her." "[CHUCKLES]" "DASHIELL:" "Sabrina." " Who was that?" "The oven." "Uh, I forgot, I'm baking bread." "An oven timer that calls you by name?" "Hey, maybe my mom would like one." "Sabrina?" "!" "Sorry, you have to go." "I forgot, I have to set off a bug bomb." "Um, but maybe we can do the shopping thing again tomorrow." "Well, can I ask you one more thing?" "Whatever it is, the answer's yes." " Really?" "So we can go steady again?" " Huh?" "Sabrina?" "!" "[IN UNISON] Who's he?" "Uh, Harvey, this is Dashiell." "Dashiell, this is Harvey." "You won't believe this, but you guys have so much in common." "See, Harvey's a really close friend, or was until about five minutes ago when he asked me to go steady." "[LAUGHING]" "And, um, Dashiell's this very new person in my life who I very recently have been seeing." "Naturally, I was gonna tell both of you about..." "Well, both of you." "Well, we said we weren't gonna be exclusive." "And we never talked about only seeing each other." "Great." "This is good." "This is very good." "[IN UNISON] Choose." "That's odd." "I told Mother we were coming." "That's the problem." "You told her we're coming." "If it were just you, she'd be here." "But since it's me, she's probably hiding under a pile of coats." "You're being childish." "I'll just see if she left a key." "More proof." "She told me it was under the flower pot." " How about now?" " No!" " How about now?" "SABRINA:" "No!" "Look, I'll let you guys know when I decide." "Just please go." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "No!" "What a good kitty my son is." "Yes." " Hi, Mrs. Saberhagen." " Hi." "You're just a big ball of fluff." "That's what you are." "Isn't he a big ball of fluff?" "SALEM:" "That's what he is, all right." "I'm going to make my son a nice big fish dinner." "SALEM:" "With fish?" "Both of you go home!" "SALEM:" "Mom's making mackerel." "Salem, can we talk?" "SALEM:" "Isn't my mother great?" "I mean, all mothers are great, but isn't my mother just plain better than anyone else's?" "Harvey and Dash want me to choose between them." "I don't know what to do." "Did I tell you she brushed me for hours this afternoon?" "It felt so silky good." " Salem, you're not even listening to me." " I am too." "MRS. SABERHAGEN:" "Salem, you wanna lick the deboning knife?" "Gotta go." "Good luck with the bake sale." "Maybe I can't see my mother without turning her into a giant candle, but I don't see why I can't write her a letter." "When it absolutely, positively has to be there in two seconds flat." "Are you crazy?" "You wear those clothes and ask if I'm crazy?" "Your mother is mortal." "You are half-witch." "You are not allowed to send her letters until you get your witch's licence." "And that includes airmail." "You opened my paper airplane?" "I think that's illegal." "Oh, I didn't read it." "The Witches' Council did and they are furious." "They've handed down a decree." "Hey, I think you singed my eyebrows." "Oh, boy, this is worse than I ever imagined." " What does it say?" " Well, because you broke the rules, you have to choose between being a witch or seeing your mom ever again." "I have to either give up all my magic or never see my mother again?" "That's crazy." "It's unjust." "It's unfair." "I'm pretty sure it's bad for the environment." "It's the council." "They're one gaggle of bitter old witches." "No one ever said I couldn't write to my mother." "Well, it's right here in your magic book." "Not anymore." "You have to choose between your mom or your magic." "You have 12 hours." "Wasn't choosing between boyfriends enough for one day?" "Unh." ""Winner of the Other Realm Science Fair:" "Zelda Spellman."" "Oh. "Outstanding Student of the Decade:" "Zelda Spellman."" "ZELDA:" "Aw." ""The Best of the Best:" "Zelda Spellman."" "Oh, you're right." "She loves us both the same." "Oh, come on." "There must be something here of yours." "Oh." "Oh, look." "She kept your hat." "She borrowed it over a hundred years ago and never returned it." "Really?" "She always returns everything she borrows from me." "Aunt Zelda?" "Aunt Hilda?" "Can you hear me?" "I need help." "WOMAN:" "The Other Realm customer you are trying to contact is not available or has travelled outside our service area." "Please try again later." "Hey, I'm supposed to have unlimited roaming with this thing." " Hi." " Hi." "Listen, the other day when I said choose," "I meant choose me." "I wish that was the only decision I had to make." " What?" " Nothing." "You get your mom's present yet?" "No, I still haven't found anything perfect enough." "To get Harvey's mind off This romantic rift" "Send his mom the ideal gift" "You're kidding." "Uh, how about this?" "Is that Heidi and her goat friends?" " It could be." " Oh, my mom's been wanting it for years, but they stopped making it." "Three cheers for them." "My mom'll pass a stone." " How on earth did you ever get this?" " Magic." "Carrots?" "A little standard, but thanks." "They're not for you." "I bought you a pony named Petey." " So you like me better?" " Dash, I" "Oh, come on." "Look, there's an unimaginative mortal boy and me." "What's your decision?" "I'm thinking nunnery." "Ticktock." "Clock's ticking, Sabrina." " Your mom or your magic?" " Right now, magic." "QUIZMASTER:" "Oh, I can still do it from here." "Ticktock." "Ticktock." "How would you like your salmon today, dear?" "In huge portions?" " Anybody want carrots?" "QUIZMASTER:" "Ticktock." "Ticktock." "Very subtle." " I'll put some carrots in with the fish." " No!" "Don't taint it." "Whatever my pudding cake wants." "Ha, ha." "I can't believe I lived all those years without contact with my mom." "I tell you, Sabrina, my heart is floating." "I got to go think." "[SNEEZES]" "Are you catching a cold, Mommy?" "Here." "Oh." "Thank you, Salem." "[SALEM CHUCKLES]" "Oh, my little boy." "Yes, you are." "What am I gonna do?" "I know, I know, ticktock." "Salem." "Sabrina, Sabrina." "Oh, I miss my mom, but I love having magic." "I know what I have to do." "Ah, ah, ah..." "[SIGHS]" "Maybe you put too much pepper in the peppers." " Achoo!" " Bless you." "Oh, I haven't sneezed this much since 200 years ago when your father brought home that stray..." "BOTH:" "Cat!" "No!" "[SNEEZES]" "Quizmaster!" " I've made my decision." " Ah, good, because..." "[ALARM RINGING]" "Sorry, I was just trying to lighten things up." " I love being a witch." " So that's your decision?" "But I can't live without seeing my mother." "Man, you're sure you realise what this means?" "Your powers will be gone forever." "You won't even be able to do card tricks." "This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make." " I've made up my mind." " All right, then." "Hey, you okay?" "I've seen more colour in plain yoghurt." "I feel nervous and insecure and self-conscious and extremely depressed." "Then the transformation is complete." "You're a normal teenager again." "Do me a favour and zap me to my mommy." "Sure thing." "You could have been a little more gentle." " Sabrina?" "Aah!" " Mom!" "[MOM LAUGHING]" " How come I'm not a ball of wax?" " Because I'm not a witch anymore." " What happened?" " Well, it's a long story." "Is there a dunghill where we can go sit and talk?" "There must be something of yours that Mother kept." "Give it up, Zelda." "There's nothing." "Oh, wait a minute." "I found something." " What?" " This stain on the carpet." " I spilled ink when I was young." " That's right." "Mother had just made friends with Rorschach." "That's how she remembers me." "A smudge on the carpet of her life." "Wait." "What's this?" ""The first thing little Hilda ever zapped."" "My little clay horse." "Why is it in pain?" "Because I gave it corrective shoes." "The point is, she kept this stupid little thing all these years because it meant so much to her." "She didn't keep anything like this of yours." "Maybe she does like me best." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Mother, where are you?" "Hilda and I have been waiting" "I see." "Uh-huh." "Well, then." "All right." "Goodbye, Mother." "What?" "What?" "What?" "She's with Vesta." "They went shopping." "Vesta bought her some new ears and now Vesta's taking her to the Riviera to show them off." "I know she's our sister and I love Vesta, but where does she get off living so long?" "Well, it does solve the mystery." "Our mother's favourite daughter." "[IN UNISON] Vesta." " More beetle purée?" " No!" "But thank you." "It was wonderful, except for the taste." "Oh, the life of an archaeologist." "Ever regret not staying an archaeology teacher and living the comfortable indoor life?" "No." "I mean, no life is ever perfect, Sabrina, you know." "Every choice you make you have your good parts and your bad parts." " Beetle husk." " Bad part." "Yeah, I know what you mean." "Like, giving up magic was bad, but then I got you." "Of course, I'm risking malaria, but it was a lovely sunset." "But I still have to choose between Harvey and Dash." "You know what I'd do?" "I would make a list of pros and cons for each guy, right?" "Then I would throw it away and follow my heart." " I missed you." " I missed you too, honey." "So any other questions you have that only a mother can answer?" "Yeah." "How do I get off this mountain?" "Bye, honey." "Have a safe trip." "See you soon?" "Bye." "See you soon." "You know, you might want to call my aunts to tell them I might be a little late." "Heh." "Now why are you crying?" "My mom went to a doctor for allergy treatments." "She's gonna take the needle just for me." "I'm sorry you only got to see your mother for such a short time." "She's my mother." "A short time's plenty." "HILDA:" "Look what I found." "It's Sabrina." "I rode a burro to a truck, a truck to a bus, a bus to the airplane." "The burro was the best part." "How was your trip to Peru?" "I meant to ask you to pick me up an alpaca sweater." "What are you doing here?" "I don't need a quizmaster." "Soap is what she needs." "And a wire brush." "I know you're going to get mad when you hear this," " but this whole thing was a test." " What?" "!" "Maybe I should have broke the news away from all these sharp objects." "What kind of test?" "!" "What are you talking about?" "Why is he always doing this to me?" "Ugh." "My clothes are too encrusted with dirt." "Can someone please kick him?" "One of the most important tests you take before getting your licence" "Maybe the most important." "is to show that there is something in this universe that means more to you than magic." "And you proved that by choosing your mother." "And we couldn't be prouder of you." "Let me guess." "You two were involved in this?" "We had to leave you alone so you could take the test by yourself." "Although why we couldn't have gone to Acapulco still baffles me." "Wait, this couldn't have been a test." "I mean, my powers are really out." "Why else would I have to drive 40 miles in a truck full of chickens?" "Your powers were taken away so you could visit your mom." "Now that you're back, so is your magic." " So I can really zap again?" " Absolutely." "Then what am I waiting for?" "This is a thankless job." "What about Harvey and Dashiell?" "Yeah, who are you gonna choose?" "We're dying to know." "Well, my mom said to follow my heart, so that's what I'm gonna do." "That's how I ended up sharing a studio apartment with Vlad the Impaler." "Come on, who are you gonna choose?" "I don't know, but I guess I have time to decide." "QUIZMASTER:" "Ticktock." " Quit it!" "Is there an ETA on that bath?" "Dash is really sweet and funny, but Harvey's really sweet and funny." "But Dash is half-witch, so we have so much in common." "But Harvey and I have so much history together." "I mean, a whole year." "Dash has that great smile, but Harvey has those great puppy-dog eyes." "Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna decide." "What do you think?" "I think you smell." "Could we at least run a bath while you talk?" "I don't think it's me." "SALEM:" "Good grief, man!" "Be civilised." "Some of us use a box."