"Gary, I know we're in a relationship with no expectations, but I am laying here in nothing but a very tiny silk robe." "I expect a little urgency." "I-I know." "I have, like, two more emails to send." "You know, I have a pretty big day tomorrow." "You have a big day tomorrow?" "I'm trying that Russian mob case." "There's gonna be reporters there." "We're even gonna have a sketch artist." "And I don't want to look tired in all the drawings." "Two more minutes, and I am done." "In two minutes, I'm gonna be asleep." "I don't have time for this." "[camera shutter clicks]" "You just received a very urgent message from Rebecca P. Wright." "Huh?" "[exhales excitedly]" "You know what?" "This can wait." "[door shuts]" "Took you long enough." "Traffic was brutal." "[upbeat music]" " Hey, Gary." " Oh, God." "Hey, Tom." "Wow, your stealth kill approach is coming along nicely." "Thank you." "So I wanted to pick your therapist brain for a second about this problem that a friend of mine is having at home." "Oh, well, you know, I prefer to talk to people directly about their personal problems." "So, you know, if your friend wants to..." "My friend can't talk to you about this." "Nor anyone." "All right, he's very shy." "He's got these issues with his wife." "All right, she's mad because he's always at work." " Hmm." " And now it's getting worse because he just got assigned this very important case." "Oh, is your friend a lawyer?" "No, it's not that kind of case." "It's a wooden case." "It's a..." "He's a case maker." " Okay." " Yes." "And he just got this really important case, and when he tells his wife he has to go work on it, she picks a fight." "So what would you do to fix her?" "Medication, right?" "Mash up some pills and slip them into her stupid chia seed yogurt or something?" "No, Tom, don't do that." "You see, a marriage involves two people." "Maybe your friend, the case maker, would consider couples counseling." "Oh, no." "That's not gonna happen." " What?" " All right, I gotta run." "I got a very important case to work on." "Uh." "Legal case." " Not a wooden case." " Oh." "I'm not the guy in the story!" "That's right." "All rise." "The honorable Judge Rebecca Wright presiding." "Please be seated." "All right, we can quiet down, and we'll go ahead and... [loud murmuring]" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." "Let's have a little order here, all right?" "I'm not gonna have my courtroom turned into a circus sideshow." "I need quiet in the gallery." "Ah!" "I got ya." "I did." "[laughter]" "I did." "This is gonna be fun." "All right, so..." "Mr. Gukasov." "Before we begin, I understand you are a native Russian speaker." "Would you prefer that the court provide you an interpreter?" "Gukasov:" "No, I speak good English." "But I don't like having woman judge." "It's very humiliating." "Oh, really?" "Well, if things don't go your way, you may never see a woman again." "[laughter]" "Yeah." "Hot room, right?" "You are killing it." "Yeah, I got a tight five on airplane security" "I could bust out." "Now that was a good morning, Tedward." "You know when you're becoming a judge, that is exactly the kind of case you dream of presiding over, you know, something that you can really sink your teeth into." "Rebecca." "Mm-hmm." "We have a situation." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "Let me guess, let me guess." "Um..." "Your eyebrows just realized they're supposed to be gray too?" " [Tedward laughs]" " What?" "That's a good one." "You been saving that one?" "No." " Yeah, I have." " [both laughing]" "Two weeks ago, you presided over a case involving computer fraud." "Yeah, State v. Corrigan." "Remember that little weasel?" "Mm-hmm." "He'd stolen people's credit card information online." " We got him." " Well, while Mr. Corrigan was awaiting sentencing, he decided to pass his time by hacking into your cell phone and uploading one particular photo to our court's webpage." "I told you not to take that picture of that cloud that looked like a swastika." "No." "Oh, God, no, no, no." "Oh, I wish it was the swastika cloud." "No." "No, the other day I sent Gary a photo." "Of everything." " Everything?" " Yeah." "And everything in between everything." "I had our IT department remove it from the site immediately, but I'm afraid the damage may have already been done." "Oh, that vindictive little prick." "Tedward, everyone in the courthouse has seen me naked." "No, no, it doesn't..." "look..." "Nobody looks at the court's website." "It's a dot-gov address." "Look, you click on it, it's so boring, you'll fall asleep." "Trust me." "You know, you're right." "Right?" "Nobody looks at that thing." "You're overreacting." "I'm overreacting." "[cameras flickering]" "Man:" "Judge Wright, who did you send the picture to?" "Woman:" "Is it true you have a sex tape?" "[all talking at once]" "Okay, hey, hey." "Look, show a little respect, please." "Gukasov:" "I have strip club." "Maybe you dance for me, huh?" "Woman:" "When did this all go down?" "You said that no one goes on the court's website." "There was never porn on it before." "Okay, so, Rebecca is on her way, and she's experiencing a lot of emotions, many of which are being expressed at high volume toward me, which I know is misplaced anger." "But still... it's kind of terrifying." "Hey, she's right behind me." "Somebody get her a drink." " I'm on that." " Okay, you know what?" "Let's just reassure her, this is not a big deal." "You know, just treat her exactly as we normally do." " Right." " All right?" "All:" "Hey." "I don't need your sympathy, okay?" "I just need a drink." " [sighs]" " Did someone say drink?" "Here we go." "All right, so clearly, Tom has seen me naked." " Who else?" " I have." "And you look great." "Very symmetrical." "And super brave down there." "What can I say?" "I'm a patriot." "Hmm." "Okay, well, I for one have not seen the photo, out of respect for our professional relationship." "Plus, I've pretty much seen everything already since you refuse to warn me when you change your clothes." "But, you know, mostly out of respect." "Thank you, Tedward." "I just can't believe this is happening." "You know what?" "I hope that little punk forgets his safe word with his prison daddy." "You know what?" "Anger is a totally healthy reaction." "Okay, enough with the head shrinking, Gary." "This is all your fault." "If you weren't so damn cute and such a hellcat in the sack," "I wouldn't be here." "Um, I'm sorry." "God, I just... you know, it's not that the embarrassment that gets me." "It's the invasion of privacy." "I'm a grown woman." "All right, it's just a naked body, right?" "It's no big deal." "It's not like..." "You guys, you're not really weirded out by this, right?" "All:" "No." "Definitely not." " [laughs nervously]" " Who's gonna be weirded out?" "No one's... weird." "It's not." "I gotta call my wife." "He has never seen a woman naked, has he?" "Both:" "Mm-mm." "Anyway, Tedward, I guess you better update all the security settings in my phone." "Yeah, just send me a list of all of your passwords, okay?" "Oh, all of my passwords are..." ""password."" " Heh?" " Oh, that's... yeah." "Wow, that's very smart of you." "That is clever." "I don't know how" " you thought of it." " Yeah." "Tom?" "Hello?" "You in here?" "I got your message." "Oh, hey." "Gary, yeah, there you are." "I was just looking at this file." "Tom, did you... did you sleep here?" "What?" "No." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "Yes." "Yes, I did." "I..." "I told Tippi that I saw Rebecca naked, and she flew off the handle." "I haven't heard her swear like that since our wedding night." "Yeah." "Yeah, hey, hey." "Tom, you guys are obviously having problems, right?" "How about giving counseling a try?" "Okay." "All right, what time should I drop her off at your office?" "No, Tom, you both need to be there." "Right." "Yeah." "Right, in case she goes crazy and I need to subdue her." "You're smart to be cautious." "And maybe take a shower." "Oh, yeah." "I'll make sure she showers." "Okay, Rebecca, I got your phone completely protected from hackers now." "You got a firewall, a fingerprint scan, oh, and I deleted your browser history because girl, damn." "What?" "A lot of people have humans as pets." " Morning." " Sir." "What case are you trying this morning?" "Yours." " Hmm?" " I'm sorry." "But I have been asked to replace you, Rebecca." "What?" "By whom?" "The Judicial Review Board." "They feel that this is too important a case to be handled by someone who's dealing with this kind of distraction." "That's ridiculous." "I gotta talk to them." "You will have your chance tomorrow." "You are to go before the Board so they can decide if they're going to sanction you." "Oh, so they're gonna kick me off the bench because I took a selfie, a private photo, that someone else hacked into and distributed to the public?" "Well, that's one possibility." "Or a suspension of some kind." "In the meantime, they say they are exercising an abundance of caution." "Well, that's an abundance of crap." "Yeah, she's done a lot worse stuff than this." "I mean, this is like Capone going down for tax fraud." "Yeah." "True, but just ill-timed." "Okay." "Yeah, I get it." "Well, until they rule, you will be presiding over lower-profile cases." "Both:" "How low?" "Roger:" "Your Honor, a squirrel came in my house and bit me on my arm, and it's all my neighbor's fault." "Cullen:" "They have minds of their own." "They are sentient beings." "Roger:" "They're tree rats." "Cullen:" "You shut your mouth." "I'm gonna die here." "I'm gonna die here, and no one will know." "No one will know." "All right, so..." "Roger, you're saying a wild animal came into your house and bit you on the arm, and you want your neighbor to pay for medical expenses and mental anguish." "That's what we're talking about here, right?" "That's why we're all here?" " [chuckles in disbelief]" " Right?" "So what's the story here?" "Roger:" "Your Honor, the squirrel that attacked me is that man's pet." "Cullen:" "Not true." "I leave food for him sometimes outside, but that's it." "Roger:" "It's more than that." "I've seen the way you act with him." "Cullen:" "It's a living creature." "I'm showing it kindness." "Perhaps you should try that sometime, Roger." "All right, don't talk to each other." "Talk to me, okay?" "Or better yet, don't talk at all, and we'll throw the whole case out." "It's ridiculous, right?" "What am I missing here?" "Roger:" "That squirrel attacked me in my home because it has no fear of humans, because it is Mr. Cullen's pet." "I found this receipt outside his trash can on the street for 40 pounds of mixed nuts." "Cullen:" "I have a lot of cocktail parties." "Roger:" "Oh." "Your Honor, if it please the court, the post office delivered this tiny Santa suit to my house by mistake." "It had Mr. Cullen's name on the invoice." "Look, this..." "Let's just be honest, this is super cute." "Judge, look at that." "Mr. Cullen, how do you explain this?" "Cullen:" "That is for one of my large collection of vintage dolls." "I like to keep them seasonally festive." "Roger:" "He calls that squirrel Paco." "Cullen:" "It's not a crime to name a squirrel!" "All right, so..." "Yeah." "It's getting late, right?" "Why don't we pick this up tomorrow?" "Okay?" "Judge, it's 9:15." " Really?" " Yeah." "It feels so much later in my soul." "Mm-hmm." "All right, Tippi, why don't you tell me what's going on at home?" "Tippi:" "Well, I've always understood that Tom has a very high-pressure job putting away criminals." "He's basically Batman." "Batman with the full legal authority of the state of California." "Tippi:" "It's just that lately, he's been staying later and later at work and then locking himself away on the weekends." "So I got suspicious." "You were worried there was another woman?" "Tippi:" "I'm not blind." "Look at him." "He's like something out of a magazine." "Which magazine, exactly?" "I was a child model, Gary." "I was on the cover of the HuskyBoyDenimcatalog three times." "Tippi:" "And then, he comes home late last night and just mentions that he's seen Rebecca naked." "I mean, I'm sitting at home wondering what he's doing, and he's basically looking at judge porn." "Okay, Tom, let me ask you a question." "How much do you tell Tippi about what goes on at work?" "Almost nothing." "It's totally separate." "See, when I walk through that door, the cap comes off, and I'm Bruce Wayne." "Okay, well, keeping your partner in the dark about such a big part of your life is bound to make them feel alienated." "You know, it's like having a third person in your relationship that she doesn't know at all." "Tippi:" "It just feels like you have this life at work and all these secrets, and I just want to be a part of it." "Okay, okay, you know what?" "That sounds reasonable." "What is something Tom can do to help you feel more included?" "Tippi:" "I want to see the picture." "What?" "No." "What, the..." "The picture?" "Look, all right, it's not on the website anymore, so we can't..." "I certainly don't have a copy." "Tippi:" "I want to see what you saw." "I want to see her naked." "Honey, no." "It's not even worth it." "Her body's not that great." "She's not very attractive." "Uh, wait a minute." "Just, you know, objectively, she's a smoke show." "Yeah, don't listen to him." "He's sleeping with her." "Tippi:" "You're sleeping with her?" "Who doesn't she have under her spell?" "Sir, I cannot take another day of small claims court, okay?" "The people in there are petty, they smell bad, and they haven't done anything wrong." "I need hardened criminals." "Man, what I wouldn't give for an arsonist or a serial killer." "Oh, sir, sir, what do I have to do to put this behind me and get back into my court?" "You could be proactive." "You could take steps to show the board that you are rectifying your behavior." "My behavior?" "I took a picture." "It's all about appearances." "When Judge O'Keefe got that DUI, he went to an AA meeting." "When Judge Brandon got caught doing cocaine with that bailiff, he went into treatment." "Yeah, we've had a bad run, huh?" "Hi." "Sorry I'm late." "Is this the group sex thing?" "That came out wrong." "I mean the group for people who like to have sex too much?" "Randy:" "You're in the right place." "And you can be helped." " Cool." " Randy:" "What's your name?" "I'm Rebecca." " All:" "Hi, Rebecca." " Oh, wow, hi, group." "Thank you." "I should start off by saying I'm just here 'cause I sent a naked picture of myself to this dude I'm seeing, so..." "Chad:" "Were you on a horse?" "Randy:" "Chad, we talked about this." "Rebecca, I think that you are exactly where you need to be, and I'd like to talk about how that's an interesting outfit to wear to a meeting about sexuality." "What?" "Oh, sorry." "This is... this is just the way I dress." "Randy:" "Let's explore that." "Why is this just how you dress?" " Um, because I like it." " Randy:" "No." " No." " Randy:" "No." "Who can help her?" "Ethan?" "Ethan:" "You do it because men demand that women sexualize themselves, and then we shame you for it." "I'm so sorry." "Randy:" "Thank you, Ethan." "I know it's not easy to admit that you have a problem, but if something's not hard, it's not worth doing." "That's what she said." "What?" " [laughing]" " Snap." "Inappropriate for this meeting." "Randy:" "Humor is a mask." "Let us see Rebecca." "Well, that's what got me here in the first place, right?" "That's just..." "Again, inappropriate." "Randy:" "Who would like to partner with Rebecca in an exercise?" "Ethan, come on." "Come on, stand up." "This exercise is gonna help us practice being nonsexual in everyday situations." "Let's pretend we're in a grocery store, and today's special is valuing each other as human beings." "Ready?" "Okay." "Ethan, would you like some milk?" "Ethan:" "I want to have sex with you." " Sorry." " Randy:" "Okay, Ethan." "That is so much better than last week." "What happened last week?" "Chad:" "It was not okay." "Oh, man." "Hey, hey, Ethan..." " Randy:" "Uh, uh..." " Sorry." "[Randy laughs]" "Let's do a do-over." "You can do this." "Come on, dig deep, all right?" "We're just gonna go to a different section of the grocery store, all right?" "We're in produce, okay?" "Gosh, I can't wait for the Hendersons to come to dinner." " Ooh, brussel sprouts." " Ethan:" "I want to be inside you." " Sorry, I'm sorry." " What?" "Randy:" "Stay with it, Ethan." "You are doing so great." "Is he really, though?" "I mean, he's asked me to have sex with him twice, and I'm gonna tell you right now, if he asks again, I'm gonna do it." " Ethan:" "I can't do this!" " Randy:" "Ethan..." "Ethan:" "I can't do this!" "[clapping]" "Randy:" "All right." "That's enough." "Sorry I'm late." "Hey, Ethan." "Randy:" "Judy, you know you are not welcome here." "Ethan, let's go." "Ugh, I just feel like such an idiot." "I can't believe I have to go back." "So don't." "No, no." "Hernandez is right." "It's the only way I'm gonna get the Judicial Review Board to go easy on me." "Come on, help me write this stupid statement." "I have to sound super sorry, 'cause I'm such a bad person." "Can I do the thing you hate?" "Now?" "What?" "No, not that." "But you hate that?" "We should talk about that later." "I mean, can I give you my professional opinion?" "Oh, you mean you want to shrink me?" "Gary, no, I hate when you work outside of..." "You don't see me walking around judging people in my free time." "Mm." "I walked right into that one." "Okay." " Proceed." " Okay." "Are you mad at yourself for sending me that picture?" "Um, no." "I mean, I was embarrassed that it got out and all these strangers saw it, but it was a really good picture." "It was an outstanding picture." "No filter." " What?" " Yeah." "And I don't feel ashamed for anything that I did." "Then why are you mad at yourself now?" "Because I hate that I have to jump through hoops and pretend to be sorry for something I'm not sorry for." "Then why are you apologizing?" "Doctor Boyd." " You're good." " I can't help it." "Mm, you can't." "All rise for the honorable Judge Rebecca Wright, presiding as we resume" "The Case of the Squirrely Neighbor." "Tedward." "You don't feel the People's Court vibe going on here?" "Gentlemen, please be seated." "Thank you." "Now, before we begin," "I wanted to apologize to both of you gentlemen for some of the things I said yesterday." "I shouldn't have called you a weird little man, and I shouldn't have called you a human waste of time." "Roger:" "I don't believe you did." "You said that in chambers." "Oh." "So let's cut to the chase." "Mr. Cullen, clearly Paco is your pet, and I don't have a problem with that." "I think it's..." "I think it's weirdly sweet." " Roger:" "No, it's just weird." " Roger." "I'm about to rule in your favor, so zip it, all right?" "The point is, it doesn't matter what other people think about your relationships or how you live your life, but you do need to take responsibility." "Now, I'm only going to make you pay medical expenses so long as you acknowledge your relationship with Paco and promise to be a responsible pet owner." "Can you do that?" " Cullen:" "Yes, your Honor." " Good." "Cullen:" "Paco's my little buddy who sleeps in a shoebox filled with newspaper next to my bed, and he sits on my shoulder and watches Dexter with me on Netflix." "Good for you." "And believe it or not, I understand a little of what you're going through." " Cullen:" "I saw the picture." " Roger:" "So did I." "You did?" "Yeah, well, sometimes you do things that you think are nobody else's business, and then they blow up in your face, so..." "Ladies and gentlemen of the Board, they publish calendars of firemen, sexy, scantily clad, in weird positions, oftentimes oiled public servants, and you think that because a fireman is sexy that he can't do his job?" "No?" "Me neither." "Judge:" "Judge Wright, you must admit that you showed a lapse in judgment." "No, sir, with all due respect, the only lapse in judgment I showed was forgetting the fact that anyone in the 21st century can hack into anyone else's personal items." "Ladies and gentlemen of the Board, if you want to go ahead and punish me or censor me," "I will take my lumps, but I will not agree with you, and I refuse to apologize." "In fact, assuming that all of you have seen me naked without my permission," "I feel that I am the one owed an apology." "Board: [muttering]" "So whenever you're ready..." "No?" "Very good." "You know, not for nothing." "I think that any woman over 40 who can pull off a nude selfie should get a parade and a key to the city." "Where is she?" "I mean, the hearing was over an hour ago." "What are the odds she said or did something in front of the Board that got her in even worse trouble?" "Let's see, I'd put that right in between absolutely and hell yeah." "All:" "Hey." "How was it?" "Was it bad?" "It was bad, wasn't it?" " It was a disaster." " Really?" "No." "They let me off with a warning." "Psyche, psyche, psyche." "I got all of you guys." "You should see your faces." "Hey." "[laughs]" "So wait, we're back in the big leagues?" "Yes, we are back in the big leagues." "No more squirrel court." "I feel great." "Hey, Tom." "Hey, Tippi." "Nice to see you guys out together." "Yeah, I've decided that I should include Tippi in my work life more, which is an independent idea I had." "It was not given to me by anyone else." " Tippi, work people." " Hey." "Hey, Tippi." "We've met before." "I'm Rebecca." "Tippi:" "Yes, I remember you." "Almost all, which brings me to..." " I have a question for you." " Sure." "Who put the icicle in your wife's butt?" "I have a really huge favor to ask of you." "Let's get this over with." "Can I..." "Hang on." "Now I'm good."