"Lovely flowers!" "Lovely flowers for sale!" "Would you like some lovely flowers, ma'am?" "Would you like some, sir?" "And what about you?" "My, it's cold." "What's keeping George?" "He's been gone 20 minutes." "Not that long, but he must have found a taxi by now." "He won't find one before 11.30." "They're all taken by theatre-goers" "We can't wait here until 11.30." "I can't help it, lady." "Hello, George!" "Did you find one?" "Not one, not for a million." "There has to be one." " They're all gone." " You didn't look properly." "I walked all the way from the Keizersgracht to the Pancake House." " Nothing." " And the Leidsekade?" " There aren't any." " You can try" "Go on." "And don't come back until you've found us a taxi." "Allright, I'm going." "But I can't help it if there aren't any." "Hey, look where you're going, fathead!" "You cross-eyed old duffer!" "Clodhopper!" "The bloody cheek!" "Tramping all over my flowers!" "Mister George!" " How do you know my son's name is George?" " Oh, is he your son?" "Small change isn't a problem, but big change, that's something else." "Here, that's for your flowers" "Thanks, lady." "That nickel brings me luck." "Smashing." "How did you know the young master's name?" "I didn't know his name." "I heard you calling him George, don't deny it." "I called him George, same as you might yourself, talking to a strange bird." "Hey, squire!" "Buy some flowers of a poor girl!" " I don't have any change." " But I've got plenty." " For a tenner?" "That's all I have." " That's okay." "I'm like a bank." "Okay, I'll be off then." "Don't be a nuisance." "Wait, I've got a nickel." "Give him some flowers." "There's a guy who's writing everything down." "I didn't do anything." "I'm just selling flowers, I'm a decent girl." "I'll be bumswizzled, if I said anything else." "Get outta here!" "Trying to book me, eh?" "Ruinin' me reputation!" "No one's trying to hurt you." "What do you take me for?" "I swear I only talked about buying flowers." " Do I look like a policeman?" " Aren't you?" "Then why are you writing everything down?" "Sneak!" "Lemme see." "No, me old son, this is phoney." "That's not writing, them's just squiggies." "'Hey squire, buy some flowers off a poor girl.'" "So I said 'squire.' Where's the harm in that?" "You're not going to turn me in for that?" "I didn't mean to insult you!" "If you're a policeman I assure you I don't need protection from young girls." "Why don't you mind your own business?" "She didn't say anything nasty." "And even if she did, there's no need to harass her." "He's not even a cop." "He's just a busybody." "You've got relatives in Duivendrecht." "Who told you I've got relatives in Duivendrecht?" "Do you?" "How did he know that?" "What are you doing on the Leidseplein?" "You belong on the Wittenburg." "Well, I'll be!" "Can't I even sell flowers on the Leidseplein?" "Of course." "Just stop screeching." "You can't make a penny on the Wittenburg." "What did I say?" "Relax, he can't hurt you." "Can you tell me where I'm from, then?" " You're from Stadskanaal." " That's incredible." "You mind your own business!" "A gentleman keeps his big mouth shut." "Tell him where he's from, crystal-gazer." "He was born in Alkmaar, but he spent 12 years in Indonesia." " That's absolutely correct." " That's incredible." " So there." " This bloke seems to know it all." "Do you do this professionally?" "Are you in vaudeville?" "It might come to that." "Fine person you are, bothering poor girls." "What's keeping George?" "I'll get pneumonia in this draft." " The South of Amsterdam, near the Concertgebouw." " I'll thank you not to be impertinent." "Your mother was born in Zeist, and received a French education." "How curious." "That's right." "In Largelady Park." "What a name!" " We'd be grateful if you could get us a taxi." " A taxi?" "Just a second." "Thank you." "He don't fool me." "It's not kosher." "In case you haven't noticed, it stopped raining." "Now he tells us." "After we had to listen to your gibberish." "Now I'm sure you escaped from a nuthouse." "And it's time they put you back in." "Hey, it's stopped raining." "Come on, we can take the tram." " Are they still teasing her." " How did you work that out?" "Very simple." "Phonetics, that's my profession." "For instance:" "I can tell right away if you're from Leeuwarden or The Hague." "I can pinpoint it to within ten kilometres, or three, in Amsterdam." "If that was my husband, I'd lock him up and throw away the key." " Can you make a living from that?" " Certainly, it's very lucrative." "We're living in the age of the upstart." "Most of them started off in the slums at 20 Guilders a week and ended up in the City at 50.000 a year." "They like you to forget where you came from but the minute they open their mouths they give themselves away." " Well, look at him, who does he think he is." " Stop blabbering, show-off." "I've got just as much right to stand here as any other." "A woman who utters such disgusting sounds has no right to live." "Do you realize you're part of the human race and have a soul and possess the God-given gift of speech..." "Ooh, blimey!" "Heavens, what a sound." "'Ooh blaah meeh!" "'" "Go on, you silly sod." "Take this creature with the kerbstone English." "It will keep her in the gutter forever." "But after three months I could pass her off as a duchess whom I'd like to introduce to High Society." "I do the same for nouveau riche businessmen." "I make quite a bundle doing that and that enables me to study dialects, and so forth." "How interesting." "I study Indonesian dialects." "Then you must know Colonel Pickering author of 'Malay Dialects'?" "I know him very well." "I happen to be him." "I'm Colonel Pickering." "Who are you?" " Henry Higgins, author of the Universal Alphabet." " Hiccup!" "What a silly name." "I'm at the Carlton." "Let's talk some more over supper." "Excellent." " I'd like to show you some of my results." " Buy a flower, I'm short for my lodgings." "Liar." "You said you had change for a tenner." " You should be stuffed with nails." " Here, the lot for 6,50." "Here." "Just keep your mouth shut." "Ooh, blimey." "Where did those two ladies go?" "They shoved off when the rain stopped." "But I just got them a cab!" "I'll take that cab, Sunny Jim." "As long as it's here." "You hang a left here, scoot down the alley, and go straight to Wittenburg." "Cheerio, Georgie." "Excuse me." "Has..." "Hans..." "Hansen where are you..." "Has..." "Hasse what a lot of names..." "Hei..." "Hig..." "Higgins, there we are." "There's a lot of geezers called Higgins." "'Prinsengracht 499." "Elocution teacher.'" "Four ninety-nine" "Barendje!" "Barendje, get me a taxi." "Doolittle!" "Doolittle, wake up!" "Come on!" " Liza had a hat on with feathers." " What kind of feathers?" " Her Mom's hat." "You promised it to me." " Which hat?" "Liza's mother's hat." " What's she doing with it?" " Ask her." "She also took a taxi." "Come on." "Wait a minute!" "Where is she going?" "Prinsengracht number 499." "I can recognize quite a few vowels, but 130!" "I can't tell the difference." "It just takes some practice." "At first they all sound the same, but after a while..." "There's a girl here to see you, Professor." " What does she want?" " She's very common." "I would have sent her away, but you often get such strange visitors." " Does she have an interesting dialect?" " No, it's horrible." "Show her in, Miss Snijders." "As you wish." "How convenient!" "You can watch me make the recording." "So, you go downstairs." "The same child as last night?" "She is useless." "Why did I come?" " Did you tell him I came by taxi?" " He doesn't care about your taxi." "I'm not asking for favors." "I've come to sign up, you hear?" "And I'm paying for the lot." "So here I am, I'm ready to pay him, too." "What do you want?" "I want to be a lady in a flower shop, instead of out on the streets." "But they won't take me unless I talk more genteel." "And him, in his glass box, he said, he could teach me." "So here I am." "I'm ready to pay him, too." "How can you be so dumb as to think you can afford..." "I'm not dumb, I know what lessons cost." " What's your name?" " Eliza Doolittle." "Eliza, Elizabeth, Betsy and Bess, went to the woods to get a bird's nes'." " Stop that stupid sniggering." " Don't talk like that!" "Sit down." " Sit!" " You sound just like my Dad." "If i'm going to teach you, I'll be worse than ten fathers." "What do I do with it?" "Pay attention" "That's your handkerchief." "And that's your sleeve." "Don't get them mixed up otherwise you will never be a lady." "This is pointless." "She doesn't understand." "You said you could turn her into a duchess." "I bet you can't." "I'll bet you the expenses, and I'll pay for the lessons." "Don't say that, he might do it." "I accept." "I'll turn her into a duchess." "I'll turn that dandelion into an orchid." "In three months I'll be able to take her anywhere." "We'll start right now." "Take her away, Miss Snijders." "Clean her." "Scrub her real hard with green soap." "A gentleman doesn't talk about washing girls." "It ain't decent." "Burn her clothes and order new ones." "If she gives you any trouble, wallop her." "I'll call the police!" "Where do I take her, the bathroom or the guest room?" "Stuff her in the bin." "He's off his chump." "I'm getting out of here." "No balmy teachers for me." "So much the better." "If I'm balmy, you don't have to order clothes." "I don't need clothes." "I'll buy me own." "Go home to your parents, and tell them to take better care of you." "I don't have any parents." "They threw me out." " My father said I should take care of myself." " And your mother?" "I don't have a mother." "The woman who threw me out was me sixth stepmother." "What's all the fuss about?" "She doesn't belong to anybody, so she's staying here." "Take her upstairs." "But what's to become of her?" "What is to be her place in this household?" "Is she to be paid?" "What happens after your lessons stop?" "What's to become of her if I leave her in the gutter?" "That's her business, not yours." "When I've done with her, I'll throw her out." "Then it's her business again." "You're a heartless piece of work!" "You should be ashamed!" "Would you like some chocolate, Liza?" "I don't know what's in it." "You want half?" "You shall have boxes of them, barrels of them, every day." " You won't eat anything else." " Don't tempt the girl." " You shouldn't." " Nonsense." "You'll take as many taxis as you want." "You'll be driven all over town." "I say, Miss Snijders is quite right." "She should know what she's in for, in the next three months." " Miss Doolittle..." " 'Miss Doolittle...'" "Ooh, blimey..." "Listen, Liza." "In the next three months you'll be living here and learn to speak properly." "If you're good, you'll get lots to eat and money for chocolates and taxis." "If you're naughty and idle you'll sleep in the washhouse with the black beetles and Miss Snijders will wallop you." "At the end of the three months you'll be put in a carriage, beautifully dressed and taken to the royal palace." "If the queen finds out you're not a lady your head will be chopped off as a warning to presumptuous flower girls." "Satisfied, Pickering?" "Can I put it more plainly and fairly?" "This is your room, Liza." "Well?" "How do you like it here?" "I think you'd better let me talk to the girl in private." "You're quite right." " Take those rags off of her, put her in a hot tub..." " A bath?" "What's going to happen to me?" "Use lots of green soap!" "You great bully!" "I won't stay here if I don't like it." "You and your nasty little laugh!" "I was never in trouble with the police." "If I'd known what I was letting meself in for, I would never have come." "I won't be bullied by a howling monkey!" "Call yourself a gentleman!" "I have feelings too!" "You don't understand the Professor." "Are you sure you're a gentleman where ladies are concerned?" "Do you know any man who remains a gentleman when a lady appears?" "You expect me to get into that and get meself wet all over?" "That's dangerous." "I knew a woman did it every Sunday night and she died of it." "Professor Higgins takes a cold bath every morning." "He must be made of iron." "Prinsengracht number 499." "'Professor Higgins, elocution teacher.'" "Whatever next." "Ouch!" "Help!" "It's too hot!" "It's stifling me!" " You're taking my skin off." " You're imagining things." "You're trying to kill me!" "Let go of me!" "My eyes hurt!" "I'm going blind!" "Oh, now I'm dead..." "There's something the matter with that girl." "That silly thing?" "That's just noise, don't worry." "If I'd known you were going to flay me, I'd never have come!" "Shall I dress the girl in one of the kimonos?" "Naturally, if it fits." "And how shall I do her hair?" " Like mine?" " No, for heaven's sake!" "This is against nature." "Who else would want her?" "She's upstairs." "The sooner you take her away, the better." "How's that?" "You don't think I'm going to take on your duties as a father?" "Is it fair to take advantage of a man like this?" "Your daughter had the audacity to come here, asking for lessons." "These people heard her." "How dare you attempt to blackmail me?" "You sent her here." "How else did you know she was here?" "This is a plant, a plot to extort money." "I'm calling the police." "Did I ask you for money?" "Did you hear me say one word about money?" " Then why are you here?" " I'll tell you." "If you'll just let me speak." "I shall tell you, I want to tell you, I have to tell you." "How about that climax, Pickering?" "'I shall tell you, I want to, I have to!" "'" "He's a natural orator." "This is the lot." "What's this?" "Liza's luggage." "Why are you bringing it here, if you intend to take her away?" " Did I say I was taking her back?" " You're going to." "Right now." "I don't want to stand in the way of her career." "This is Liza's father." "He's come to collect her." " This is a mistake." " That's impossible." "Didn't you say I had to burn all her clothes?" "You can't send her out into the streets all naked, now can you?" "You wanted your daughter back, didn't you?" "Then buy her some clothes." "Who burned her clothes?" "My girl, or your wife?" "I'm the housekeeper." "I've ordered new clothes." "Wait in the kitchen." "This way." "Professor as one gentleman to another..." "'One gentleman to another?" "'" "I think it's best if you leave us for a minute, Miss Snijders." "I think so indeed, Professor." "Thank you." "I like you, gentlemen." "If you want to keep my daughter, I won't drag her back." "Perhaps we could make a deal." "Regarded as a young woman, she's a handsome girl." "As a daughter she's not worth her keep." "All I ask is my rights as a father." "You're an educated man, you don't expect me to let her go for nothing?" "What's 50 guilders to you?" "What's Liza to me?" "Don't you understand, Doolittle, that Mr Higgins intentions are honorable?" "If I thought they weren't, I'd have asked for 500." "Do you mean to say you'd sell your daughter for 500 quid?" "Not in a general way." " But I'd do a lot to oblige a gent like you." " Have you no morals, man?" "Can't afford them." "Neither could you if you were poor." "Why should she get it all?" "From a moral point of view we shouldn't give him a farthing." "And yet there's some rough justice in his claim." "You said it, Professor." "It is just, to haggle with a father over his daughter a girl he raised, clothed and fed by the sweat of his brow until she was big enough to interest gentlemen like you?" "Is fifty guilders unreasonable?" "I put it to you." "If I treat this man for three months he can become a member of parliament." " How about it, Doolittle?" " I'd rather stay healthy, Guv'nor." "I like politics as much as any other kind of entertainment." "But become an MP?" "Too exhausting." "I'm afraid we'll have to give him fifty guilders." "Don't worry, I won't put them in a bank, or live high on the hog." "I promise they'll be gone by Monday." "I have an idea." "I'll give you those 50 guilders, but not for Liza." "You have to earn them." "Earn them?" "But Professor..." "You're giving a lecture, in my place... for the 'Alcohol and Speech Impediment Society', Ladies' Chapter." "Here's the invitation." "'Alcohol and Speech Impediment Society." "Dear Professor Higgins." "We'd be honoured if you, the great authority on human speech would give a short lecture on the ruinous influence..." " ...that alcohol has on the power of speech.'" " The ruinous influence of alcohol..." "You want me to speak against drink?" "Of course, you're just the man for it." "You like alcohol, don't you?" "If you speak out against it, fewer people will drink." "That leaves more for you." "That makes sense." "Think about it, and come back Sunday." "If you've thought of a nice hearty speech by then, you get your money." "To be honest, I'd prefer to get it today." "Ma'am..." "Fancy that!" "Doesn't even recognize his own daughter!" "I'll be darned!" "It's Liza!" "My goodness." "Am I dreaming?" "Don't I look weird?" "Weird?" "But child..." "Please don't make her vain, Professor." "You bet." "You look terribly weird." "It is a little weird..." "I never knew she looks this pretty when you clean her." "It's very easy to get clean here." "They have two taps, hot and cold." "And towels, hot enough to burn your paws." "And a floating soap dish, a scrubber for your back..." "Now I know why nice ladies like to take baths." "Don't forget, ladies and gentlemen:" "she's not used to it." "She'll soon pick up your free and easy ways." "I'm a good girl, I won't pick up no free and easy ways." "If you keep saying you're a good girl, you're father's taking you home." "You don't know my father." "He only came here to hit you for money to get smashed on." "You keep your big mouth shut." "If I hear you're being rude to these gentlemen, you'll get what for." "Have you any more paternal advice?" "Advice?" "You can't teach her a thing without a leather belt." "You can see her whenever you want." " Don't forget to prepare your lecture." " I don't know if it'll work." "Depends on my mood." "Here, get in the mood." "Thank you, Professor." "Don't believe him." "I never want to see him again." "I could die with shame." "Don't you call me 'Miss' anymore?" "I'm sorry, Miss Doolittle." "A slip of the tongue." "It's allright." "I love the sound of it." "I'd love to take a taxi now and go to the Zeedijk." "Put the girls in their place." "I wouldn't talk to them." "We're in a fine mess." "SPEECH TRAINING FOR NATIVES" "Adam ate the apple." "Eve offered the apple." "Abraham was one of the patriarchs." "Honesty is the best policy." "Honor thy father and mother." "There is an elephant in the zoo." "There is an elephant in the zew... zoo... zoo... zoo!" "Abessynia is a smashing country." "A mahvellous country!" "Not smashing!" "Mahvellous!" "Articulate more clearly." "...is a mahvellous country." "Articulate more clearly." "No!" "That means pronouncing the letters!" "Pronouncing the letters..." "Abessynia is a mahvellous country." "Mahvellous." "Mahvellous." "Can I talk normal now?" "Keep practicing, or you'll never learn." "Abessynia is a mahvellous country." "Mahvellous, mahvellous..." "I can't talk this way!" "I'm like a machine!" "Me tongue's all twisted." "'Oh me old mate's so far from me, yet I 'opes to see 'im some day...'" "Get out!" "Leave this room at once!" "'Oh take me back to Africa where you can do whatever you want." "There you can eat some elephant, eat a chunk with your hands oh me old mate...'" "I say, Higgins, don't you think she has something quite like feelings?" "No." "No, I don't think so." "Not the kind we should concern ourselves with." "There is an elephant in the zoo." "An elephant." "An elephant, in the zoo." "Elephant." "Abraham..." "Abraham..." "Abraham..." "I'm fed up with Abraham." "Miss Doolittle would you be so kind as to return to the lesson?" "No." "Why not?" "The Professor is a nasty bloke." "He wants only what's best for you." " No." " Yes, he does." "He's already told Miss Snijders to go into town with you to buy some fine, silk stockings." "Silk?" "Allright." "Shall I start again then?" "Abraham was one of the patriarchs." "Abessynia is a mahvellous country." "How many pairs of stockings is Miss Snijders going to buy for me?" "Stick to the lesson!" "I'm making up my own lesson." "How many pairs of stockings is Miss Snijders going to buy for me?" "Will they be nice, light, flesh-coloured stockings?" "I sound just like the toffs from The Hague." "Sit down, and listen to this:" "Abraham is an elephant." "Honour thy Eve." "Abessynia is one of the patriarchs." "Eve offered the apple." "Adam ate the apple." "Move along." " You're blocking' traffic." " 'Blockin'?" "You mean block-ing." "You should articulate properly." "'The rain in Spain has come again and again and it rained on the grain the rain rained on the grain in Spain rain in Spain, again and again." " So this is October disc." " Yes, October." " So this is October's disc." " Yes, October." "And now, without pausing we'll play November's disc." "That girl is quite extraordinary." "'Flattering and fawning, the fleecy flame... fleet and fickle thing that she is fantasizes about fables." "Flattering and fawning." "November." "Her progress is remarkable." "I'm going to lose that bet." "And today's recording is even better." "Liza!" "There's no trace of the dialect." " That wretched girl won't come!" " Yes she will." "All I have to do is call her, but in the right way." "Miss Doolittle!" "Didn't you hear me?" "No, I only heard the Colonel." "Begin." "Little Liza steps by lightly, towards Lida and back again." "Lightly, lightly, lightly, little one." "Just a little while longer." "Pitter patter, that is good, now Liza walks the way she should." "Now move around." "Put that down!" "Even if your pronunciation is perfect, if your manners are bad..." "You shouldn't grab anything you see." "What should I do with my hands?" "Don't grab everything." "Make elegant gestures." "That girl is hopeless!" "No manners at all." " Is my mother in?" " Yes." " Are the others already here?" " No, Professor." " Hello, Mother." " What are you doing here?" "I'm receiving today." "Please leave at once." " Don't be impossible." " You always insult my friends." "You're so rude that they never return." "I have a surprise for you." "A great phonetic breakthrough." "You'll be proud of me." "I've picked up a girl..." "Some girl has picked you up, you mean?" "She's coming over for tea." "I don't recall inviting her." "You didn't." "Is that so?" "And why wouldn't I?" "She's just a simple flower girl." "I picked her off the kerbstone." " And invited her to my home?" " It'll be allright." "Pickering is in this as well." "We have a kind of bet." "My dear, I so much wanted to see you, but we were frighfully busy." "I'm glad I finally made it." "Clara." "How do you do?" "My son, Henry." "Ah, your famous son." " I've looked forward to meeting you." " Pleased to meet you." "Hello, Professor." "Where have I met you before?" "I don't remember, but your voice sounds so familiar..." "Well, it doesn't matter." "Sit down." "He's famous, but his manners are very bad." "Please excuse him." "Of course." "I find it fascinating." "Was I rude?" "I didn't mean to be." "Good morning, ma'am." "I'm honoured to have you, Colonel Pickering." "Please sit down." "Did you tell Mrs Higgins about our bet?" "Yes, but we were interrupted by these visitors." " Is this inconvenient?" " No." "Henry's visit is." "I don't mind you coming over at all." "We need three or four people, to make up an audience." " You'll do as well as anyone." " Anyone..." "Most interesting..." "Mr Van Tegelaar." "How do you do?" "How nice of you to come." "How are you?" "Colonel Pickering." "You haven't met my son, have you?" "I'm almost positive I've met you before." "But where?" "Yes, we met at..." "No, we didn't." "Oh well, it doesn't really matter." "What on earth shall we talk about until Liza arrives?" "Eat." "You've been always better at it than at conversation." "I agree with the Professor." "You shouldn't hide your opinions." "People should be frank an say what they really think." "God forbid!" " Why?" " We're all savages, more or less." "We pretend to be well-mannered and cultured." "We pretend to know a lot about literature, music, art." "But what do you know about these things?" "What does she know about architecture, about Van Gogh or Rembrandt?" "What do you know about education, Pickering?" "About shaping young people's characters?" "And what do you know about philosophy, about logic, about anything you like?" "And what do I know about agriculture, when it comes right down to it?" "Or about manners." "Right, Henry?" "Miss Doolittle." "There she is." "Pleased to meet you, ma'am." "The Professor said I should visit you some time." "I'm very glad to meet you." "Mrs Eynsford Hill, Clara, Colonel Pickering." "I believe we've met." "How are you, Miss Doolittle?" "Colonel Pickering, if I'm not mistaken?" "Mr Van Tegelaar." "Please sit down." "I'm sure we've met before." "Your eyes look very familiar." "The pleasure is all mine." " Ma'am." " Some tea?" "I have also seen you before." "But where?" "Of course, we met at..." "No, we didn't." "But we have met." "But of course, now I remember." "The Leidseplein." "Goodness gracious, what a damned thing." "Don't sit on my writing table." "It might break." "I'm sorry, mother." "But we haven't said a single word all day about the weather." "You're right." "What do you think, Miss Doolittle?" "Will it rain?" "The slight depression to the West of our coast is likely to move slowly in an Easterly direction." "There are no indications of any great change in the barometrical situation." "Awfully funny!" "What is wrong, young man?" "Did I not say it right?" "You said it much too well." "It was killing." "I hope it won't turn cold." "There's so much influenza about." "It runs right through our family every year." "My own aunt died of in-flu-enza." "So they said." "But I still believe they done the old woman in." "Done her in?" "Yes dearie, I'm telling you." "Why should people die of influenza?" "Last year she died of diphteria." "I saw her with my own eyes." "She had turned blue already." "Everybody thought she was dead, but..." "My father kept on pouring gin into her mouth and so she came round and bit the spoon from the handle." "And where was her new straw hat which I was to inherit?" "Somebody else got it, I guess." "And so I said whoever pinched the hat, has killed my aunt." "Do someone in?" "It's a new kind of small talk." "It means killing someone." "Exactly." "You don't mean someone killed your aunt?" "Do I not!" "Them she lived with would have killed her for a hat-pin let alone a hat." "Some more tea, dear?" "No, thank you, Clara!" "We have to go, even though it's been such fun." "But it can't been right for your father to pour spirits down your aunt's throat." "It might have killed her." "Not bleeding likely." "Gin was mother's milk to her." "He's poured so much down his own throat that he knew the good of it." "You don't mean that he drank?" "He got plahstered regularly." " How dreadful for you." " Not a bit." "It never did him any harm." "He was always more agreeable when my mother gave him money and told him not to come back before he was good and legless." "Lots of women has to make their men drunk to make them fit to live with." "What are you sniggering at?" "The new small talk." "You do it so well." "Then what was you laughing at?" "Have I said anything I oughtn't?" "Not at all, Miss Doolittle." "That's a mercy." "What I always say is..." "I really must go." "So pleased to have met you." "Adieu." "Adieu." "Adieu." "Are you walking across the park?" "Walking?" "No bloody likely." "I'm taking a taxi." "No, I really can't get used to that newfangled style." "I find the new small talk charming and quite modern." "I think it's time we should be going, Clara." "Yes, we have three more visits to make." " Goodbye, Professor." " Goodbye, Miss Hill." "And remember: you must introduce the new small talk during all your visits." "Don't be embarrassed." "Lay it on thick." "You can count on it." "All that 19th century prudishness is so silly." " Very silly." " Bloody silly." "Clara!" "I'll never bring myself to use that word." "It doesn't matter." "It's not compulsory." "It's been marvellous seeing you." "I do hope you'll visit us real soon." "Colonel Pickering, can you tell me what's going on with this wager?" "Well, I..." "I moved in with your son to study Malay dialects." " But where does the girl live?" " With us, of course." "Where else?" "You mean she's a maid?" "You have no idea how fascinating it is to change someone into an entirely different person." "...just by changing her speech." "We're bridging the gap between the classes, between people." "It's the most exciting experiment of my life." "It occupies all our time." " We're always talking Liza." " Teaching Liza." " Dressing Liza." " She has a very quick ear..." "You're a couple of extremely stupid creatures." "Don't you realize that when Liza walked into your house something else walked in with her?" " What do you mean?" " A problem." "The problem of what will happen to her afterwards." "I don't call that a problem." "She can benefit from everything I taught her." " Things will work out fine." " Anyway, it's too late now." " Goodbye, mother." " Goodbye, Mrs Higgins." "Oh, these men..." "The difference between men isn't as big as you think." "I am just as hungry as any other citizen." "But propbably just a little more thirsty." "And if I want to hear some music or watch a nice movie I don't get it for nothing, because I'm poor." "I have to pay as much as you." "Even though most of you draw interest because your husband died more or less successfully." "What does all that have to do with alcohol, you may ask." "And to tell you the truth, I'm wondering myself." "A nasty cold." "Would you stop a man from getting sloshed when he's trying to get rid of a cold or a toothache?" "No, ladies, you're much too noble for that." "And isn't it much worse if a man's soul has a cold if his heart has a cold?" "If his disposition has the sniffles?" "Have mercy, dear ladies." "Your principle is great, don't get me wrong." "But mercy is much greater." "And that's the end of my lecture." "The Baron and Baroness Dordt van Berensteyn invite Professor Higgins to a proposed soirée on January 6." "Dear Professor, Pickering told us you'd like to introduce a young lady." "We're looking forward to meeting Miss Doolittle." "Miss Snijders..." "I can't fix that thing." "Liza, Miss Snijders!" "Miss Snijders, the collar is too tight." "It always fitted before." "There have to be larger ones." "I shall have a look." "Shall I help you?" "Ouch... my skin!" "I haven't touched you there." "This one will be better." "If I could only reach it." "Well, I will come down." "Not on the waistcoat." "Otherwise I'll have to iron it again." "How much do you have to pay Colonel Pickering if you lose the bet?" " I shall not lose that bet." " I'm not so sure..." "There are so many words which I can't use as a lady." "Help me with this tie." "Calm down, you are as nervous, as if you were the Baroness tonight." "It's very exciting, isn't it?" "Nonsense, Liza will manage." "Yes, the accent will do but the point is not how she will say things but what she will say." "Miss Snijders what do posh people say instead of 'not bleeding likely?" "Don't let on to the Professor that I told you this but people of rank hardly say anything." "That's how you can tell they're people of rank." "Then why did I take all those lessons?" "Not for your own sake, for his." "I advise you to say nothing tonight." "Just say: 'Pleased to meet you." "How do you do?" "'" "They'll think you're very chic." "Pleased to meet you." "How do you do?" "Mr and Mrs Zakenburg-Witte." "Miss Doolittle, Colonel Pickering, Professor Higgins." "Pleased to meet you." " She's the Duke of Dukenfield's child." " No, Baroness Ditching's niece." "She's going to marry Prince Braganza." "Too bad about that loud music." "No one hears my lovely pronunciation." "Miss Doolittle?" "Colonel Professor..." "Don't look at me like that." "I don't mean you." "Then why do you do it?" "To irritate him." "Miss Snijders will explode when we leave all our stuff strewn about." "She'll think we were drunk." "Perhaps we are, just a bit." "Where are my slippers, that's what I'd like to know." "In any case, you won the bet." "Liza has done it." "And how!" "It's about time." "I'm exhausted from all those months of work." "If it weren't for the bet, I would have packed it in two months ago." "It was a stupid plan, and very tedious." "But now it's all over, thank God." "One thing is for sure: never again!" "There are my slippers." "At last I can go to bed without having to worry about the next day." "Turn off the light, Liza." "And tell Miss Snijders not to make any coffee tomorrow morning." "I prefer tea." "Selfish bastard." "Where did I put those blasted slippers?" "There they are!" "Good heavens!" " What's this?" " None of your business." "I won your bet, the rest doesn't interest you." "You won my bet?" "I won it myself, you conceited minx!" "Why did you throw my slippers?" "I could kill you, you egoist!" "Why didn't you leave me where I was?" "Am I to return to the gutter now?" "What's to become of me?" "I've seen this coming for a few days." "You were nervous about the ball, of course." " I wish I was dead." " But why, for heaven's sake?" " Try to understand..." " I do." "I've heard you." " 'Thank God it's over.'" " Aren'y you glad it's over?" "You're free again." "What shall I do?" "What will I be?" "I shouldn't worry about that." "I'm sure you'll find a job." "Although I hadn't realized that you wanted to leave us." "I suppose you'll marry." " We didn't need it on the Leidseplein." " What do you mean?" "I sold flowers, but I didn't have to sell myself." "That's all I have to sell, now that you've made me a lady." "I wish you'd have left me where I was." " Before you leave, sir..." " What?" "'Sir?" "'" "Are those clothes mine or Pickering's?" "What would Pickering do with your dresses?" "He might need them for the next girl that you're going to experiment on." "In any case, I'd like to know if I can take anything..." " ...otherwise I will be accused of robbery." " Robbery?" "You shouldn't have said that." " You're being very unfeeling." " Feelings can't exist between my kind and your kind." "Tell me what's mine!" "Take the whole damned lot!" "Except the jewels." "They're rented." "Anything else?" "Wait!" "Take these things to your room." "and put them away." "Who will be blamed if they disappear?" "If they weren't rented, I'd make you swallow them, ungrateful chit!" "This one isn't rented." "You bought it for me in Scheveningen." "I don't want it anymore." "Don't hit me!" "Hit you?" "You hit me!" "You've wounded me to the heart." "I'm glad." "You made me lose my temper for the first time." "So I won't say anything else." "I'm going to bed." "Leave a note for Miss Snijders about the coffee." "I won't tell her." "Damn Miss Snijders." "Damn the coffee, and damn you." "A ring." "Such a nice present." "There is my ring which that bum gave me." "How could I be so stupid!" "Knowledge!" "Obtained with all my heart." "To waste my affection and my confidence on a heartless heap of trash." "'Oh, if I could only see him again." "I just love the way he woos, I can't go on without him." "My heart is just like a pile driver." "Oh, take me back to Africa where my Sarie lives." "There you can eat some elephant." "A big fried chunk, with your hands." "Sarie Mareis my country." "Oh, take me back to Africa where my Sarie lives." "There you can eat some elephant." "A big fried chunk, with your hands." "Sarie Mareis my country." "'Dear Miss Snijders." "The perfessor sez you shudn't mek any coffee." "He'd rather have tee." "Liza.'" "Say, lass." "Come in for a beer." "Can't you talk?" "What are you waiting for?" "She's snivelling." "Liza!" "It's great to see you again." "Are you coming home?" "Home, Barendje..." "I don't know where that is." "I don't belong there or here." "Where's home?" "Pickering, Liza's gone!" "She's gone." "Did you curse her out last night after I went to bed?" "On the contrary." "She threw my slippers in my face." "She insulted me without reason." "Before I could say a word I was hit in the face by a slipper." "She said the nastiest things to me." " Here I am." " Have you found Liza, Doolittle?" "Have you lost her?" "Some people have all the luck." "No, I haven't found her." "But she'll find me, after what you did to me." " What did the Professor do to you?" " Look at me." "This is his fault." " What do you mean?" " Look at this hat." "Look at this coat." "This collar." "He handed me over to the rich and their morals." "They offered me 2000 guilders a year to lecture against alcohol." "Surely you don't object to that?" "Not to the lectures." "I'll lecture 'em blue in the face." " But I won't become a gentleman." " You can always refuse." " No one's forcing you to make money." " That's the tragic part." "'Throw the money away.' Easier said than done." "I'm afraid to." "What about my twilight years?" "The workhouse." "It's either watery workhouse soup or the bourgeoisie's thick steaks." "And I'm afraid to choose the workhouse soup." "I don't have the heart to." "Come, Pickering." "We'll go to my mother." "She always knows just what I should do." "Be sensible." "Stay, take off your coat." "No, I can't." "Then why did you come?" "Where else could I go?" "Come, come." "It's not as bad as you think." "Dry your eyes." "And when you've calmed down I'll tell you a nice story." "About a great sculptor, who lived thousands of years ago and whose name was Pygmalion." "Pygmalion made beautiful statues of women, in marble and stone." "Figures that he saw in his imagination." "And one day, when he had made another statue of a woman in beautiful, white marble he fell in love with the statue and begged the gods to make it come alive." "And did it come alive?" "Much too alive." " Is my mother in?" " Yes, Professor." " Is she upstairs?" " No, downstairs." " Shall I announce you?" " No, I'll just go in." "I won't disturb her, she's always ready to receive people." "A deuced unpleasant thing has happened." "Aren't you going to greet me?" " Liza has gone." "Can I use your phone?" " Of course." "I'll call the police." "34422." "Is this the police?" "Professor Higgins." "We've lost a young girl." "How old?" "Eighteen, I suppose." "What was she?" "Nothing." "She just lived with us." "One of the servants, of course." "A lady, a young girl." " There's no trace..." " You're not persistent enough." "You have to find her right away." "She may have killed herself." "She's very sensitive, delicate a sensitive, delicate girl." " Does she have a trade?" " How should I know?" "She has a marvellous pronunciation." "Everyone loves her." "Of course I'm offering a reward." "What kind of stupid question is that?" "Mrs Higgins, we're deeply shocked." " You didn't call the police, did you?" " Of course, that's what they're for." "Who gave you the right?" "She isn't a thief or a lost umbrella." "We have to find her!" "We must find her!" "We can't just let Liza go." "We must do something!" "The two of you are out of your mind." "You in there, will you keep us company?" "How are you, Professor Higgins?" "I'm so glad to see you, Colonel Pickering." "It's rather chilly this morning, don't you agree?" "Don't play this game with me." "I taught you myself." "Go home, stop acting like a fool." "No woman could possibly refuse a friendly invitation like that." "Let her speak for herself, mother." "You'll see she doesn't have a single thought that I didn't give her." "...or word I didn't teach her." "I created her, out of the squashed cabbage leaves of the market place." "And now she pretends to play the fine lady with me." "By the way, Colonel Pickering... ..you won't drop me altogether now that the experiment is over, will you?" "I owe you so much that I'll be very unhappy if you forgot me." "That is very kind of you, Miss Doolittle." "Not because you paid for my clothes." "Because you taught me manners." "And that is what makes one a lady, isn't it?" "It was very hard, with the example of Professor Higgins before me." "Do you know what began my real education?" " When?" " Your calling me 'Miss Doolittle.'" "That was the beginning of self-respect for me." "Apart from the things any woman can get such as good clothes, civilised speech the difference between a lady and a flower girl doesn't lie in how she behaves, but in how one behaves towards her." "You've hit the nail on the head." "I'd be delighted if you would call me Liza from now on." "With pleasure, Liza." "And I'd prefer it if Professor Higgins called me 'Miss Doolittle.'" " You can go to hell for all I care!" " Henry!" "She can't do without us." "Without me watching her she'll slide back into the dirt within three months." "He's incorrigible." "You won't relapse, will you?" "Never again." "I've learned my lesson." "Her lesson!" "Ha!" "I can't believe I could utter one of the old sounds if I tried." "Good morning." "Ooh, blimey!" "Hurray!" "Hurray!" "'Ooh, blimey!" "'" " You must have swindled a millionaire." " I've dressed something special." "I'm going to church." "Your stepmother-to-be is dragging me down the aisle." "Will you stand by me in my final hours?" "I will, father, just to show there's no ill feeling." "I'll be right back." " Won't you sit down?" " I prefer to stand, if you don't mind." "I'm a little nervous, right before the ceremony." "Would you come along and see me through?" "With pleasure, Mr Doolittle." "I would also like to attend the wedding of Liza's father." "I would be honored by your condescension, madam." "My old woman would also love it." "She's been very low, thinking of the happy days that are no more." "I'll go get ready." "I'm also going to the wedding." "You'll ride with me, won't you?" "Colonel Pickering will accompany the bridegroom." "Bridegroom!" "What a word." "Forgive him, and come back to us." " I don't think Papa would allow it." "Would you?" " I shan't interfere." "We have to go, Colonel." "We'll see you in church, Liz." "Please stay with us." "Well, Liza, you've had a bit of your own back." "Have you had enough?" "You just want me back to pick up your slippers and put up with your temper." "I don't remember asking you to come back." " Then what are we talking about?" " About you, not about me." "If you come back I'll treat you the same as always." "I can't change." "My manners are the same as Pickering's." "No, they're not." "He treats a flower girl like a princess." "And I treat a princess like a flower girl." "Good or bad manners don't matter." "What matters is treating everyone the same." "There's no third class in heaven." "One man's just as good as another." "I don't care how you treat me." "But I won't be trampled underfoot." "Don't think I can't do without you." " I know you can, I told you so." " To get rid of me." " Liar!" " Thank you." "It never crossed your selfish mind to wonder if I could do without you." "Don't try to persuade me." "You'll have to do without me." "Miss Snijders warned me." "She also wants to leave." "But you always win her over." "You don't care about her." "Or about me." "Miss Snijders?" "What does she have to do with this?" "Miss Snijders!" "Nonsense." "You never thought of the consequences." "If the creator had thought of the consequences, we wouldn't exist." "Clever words won't make you right." "If you can't stand the cold, hard side of my life go back to the gutter." "You know I can't go back to the gutter, as you call it." "That I don't have a real friend in the world except you and the Colonel." "But don't count on breaking me." "If I can't find anyone who'll be good to me..." " ..." "I'll at least be independent." " Independent!" "Ha!" "The bee in the bonnet of every nitwit." "If you had an ounce of sense you'd realize we all depend on one another." "We'll see whether I'm such a nitwit." " I'm going to teach." " Teach what, in heaven's name?" "Phonetics." "What you taught me." "How to pronounce words beautifully." "You can't take that away from me." "You admitted my ear was better than yours." "And I can be nice and polite, unlike you." "You insufferable, impudent..." "I declare, Liza I said I'd make a woman of you and I have." "I like you like this." "Are you ready, Liza?" "Yes, Madam." "The car is waiting." " Is the Professor coming too?" " Out of the question." "He doesn't know how to behave in a church." "Then I'll probably never see you again, Professor." "Bye, my son." "By the way, order some bacon for me, will you?" "And some cheese." "And buy me a pair of gloves." "And also a new tie, that goes well with my new suit." "Do it yourself!" "Shall we do the same thing?" "What?" "As your father does." "What?" "Marry me?" "No, that's a bee in a nitwit's bonnet." "Translated by Frank van Herk"