"Shh." "Don't wake her up." "I'm trying to screw as quietly as I can, but I'm having trouble getting it in the hole." "Did you hear what I said?" "I said I'm trying to get..." "Yeah, I heard what you said." "Shut up and screw faster, so we can get this over with and go to sleep." ":" "Did you hear what you just said?" ":" "I did." "I said it on purpose." "Recently Burt and I invested in a dead bolt." "Due to the fact Maw Maw has been doing quite a bit of wandering in the middle of the night." "♪ Hey, Mambo!" "Mambo Italiano!" "♪" "♪ Hey, Mambo!" "♪" "Maw Maw, get down from there." "You're gonna break your neck!" "♪ Go, go, go, you mixed-up Sicialiano ♪" "♪ All you calabraise do the mambo like a crazy with a... ♪" "During the day we can keep an eye on her, but at night, we have no idea of knowing if she gets loose." "♪ Mambo Italiano!" "♪" "♪ Try an enchilada with a fish Baccala ♪" "♪ I love-a how you dance a rhumbah ♪" "♪ But take some advise, paisano, learn how to mambo ♪" "♪ If you gonna be a square, you ain't-a gonna go nowhere ♪" "She put makeup on me again while I was sleeping, didn't she?" "♪ Go, go, Joe, shake it like-a Giovanno ♪" "Where do you think she got it?" "Who knows?" "Come on, Maw Maw." "♪ Italiano!" "♪" "♪ That's nice-a ♪" "♪ Boom!" "♪" "There you go." "Now, we should be able to sleep in peace." "You didn't check to make sure she was in there?" "Hey." "Damn it, Maw Maw!" "♪ Hey Mambo!" "♪" "Maw Maw, no!" "Off!" "♪ Hey, Mambo, Mambo Italiano... ♪" "♪ Whoo!" "♪" "♪ Here we go, ♪" "Nice shirt." "Is that Versace?" "Gag-tee dot com." "They do good work, too." "Hey, sweetie?" "Y-You're not gonna wear that out tonight, are you?" "Yeah, why not?" "It's funny." "And I-I've worn it before." "You know what it means, right?" "The hand's pointing down at his..." "I-I do know what it means, yeah." "Listen, it was fine when we were friends." "You know, but now that we're engaged, it's just the things that you do, they say something about me." "And though that shirt might say that your penis is stupid, it absolutely says my vagina is an idiot." "It's my favorite shirt." "It's the only one I've ever taken to a dry cleaners." "So, I think I'm gonna wear it?" "Okay, fine." "Nice." "Don't let her change who you are, man." "Chicks always try to do that." "I've been video chatting with this girl online and lately she's been like," ""Take off your weird baby mask, I want to see your face."" "I'm like, "Take off your horse-head mask first."" "She wanted me to change but she wasn't willing to change." "Girls are crazy." "Another inch and a half." "Every year, like clockwork." "Dad, you're not growing an inch and a half every year." "Doorjamb don't lie." "If that were true, you'd be seven foot, 14 inches tall by now." "I think it might be time to consider the possibility that your house is sinking." "That's mine." "Come on, you both watched three cartoons today about sharing." "Did you learn nothing?" "Time to put on your jammies." "Maw Maw and Hope are a lot alike." "It's sweet." "I hope I have a baby rival when I'm her age." " Is that a neighbor?" " I don't recognize her." "Should we see what she wants?" "I say no." "When is someone you don't know ringing your doorbell ever a good thing?" "What about that time that overnight delivery guy accidentally delivered the neighbor's package here." "We might use that medicine some day." "What happened to that neighbor?" "I haven't seen him." "Fine, but if it's bad, you're gonna be the one to deal with it, not me." "I want to watch Wipeout." "They're doing farmers versus plumbers." "Hello." "Is this the Chance residence?" "Why?" "Because I'm looking for the Chance residence." "Why?" "I can only tell you that if this is the Chance residence." "Yeah, it's the Chance residence." "Great." "My name is Joan Wrightsdale and I'm from Social Services." "I'm here to investigate a complaint that we had about the welfare of a child living in this residence." "You didn't let me finish." "It's the Chance residence... over there." "Sorry I'm late, Chances." "Up until about an hour ago, totally thought it was Sunday." "Okay, take care, Chances." "Nine times out of ten, guy doesn't say a word." "So, a complaint about the welfare of a child?" "I can't even imagine what that would be." "You know what?" "This is getting heavy." "I'll go get us some marshmallows." "You know, it's probably nothing." "We just have to follow up on these things." "Sure, of course." "But if it's just one random complaint, how can you even trust it?" "Tell me about it." "For example, I have a cat... her name is Muffin." "My." "Thank you." "Anyway, I am a great cat owner." "But one time I was at the mall and Muffin just jumped out of my arms and she landed on her head." "And someone reported me to the SPCA, and they said that I dropped her, but I didn't." "She jumped." "Was she wearing that outfit when she jumped?" "'Cause you could probably make an argument that she was trying to commit suicide, which isn't funny at all." "Can I see that picture?" "It's adorable." "Hey... the government's here to take the baby." "They think we're putting her in danger." "Hurry, toss her over here." "I'll hide her under the car." "What's going on?" "Social Services got a complaint and now they're here to check on Hope." "Complaint?" "Well, what was it?" "I'm guessing it's when you couldn't find a towel." "Turn around." "I'm sure that wasn't it." "If it's anything, it's that stupid scooter-stroller that Dad invented." "See you at the park, slowpoke!" "You're crazy." "People love that thing." "They honk their horns and yell, "Hey, Scooter-Stroller Guy!"" "I might just become a small town novelty like Dancin' Dan or that guy with the bunny ears who walks around at night carrying that giant purple cross." "What do they call him?" " Easter Joe." " Easter Joe!" "You don't think someone complained about you, do you?" "You said you got a lot of dirty looks at the grocery store last week." "Once she stopped throwing a fit, she was having a blast and now she loves being pulled around by shopping carts." "I had to stop her the other day from hitching a ride with a homeless guy." "Look, guys, you do a really good job with Hope." "I really don't think there's anything to worry about." "Well, we can't be too careful." "So, just make everything look okay until the social worker leaves." "Clean up this room." "Okay, but come on out when you finish the book of Job." "The Bible will still be here when you get back." "This may just be an old lady talking, but your ugly kid looks an awful lot like an ugly cat." "Okay, Maw Maw, let's go." "You know you're supposed to be in your room." "Sorry about that." "My son must forgot to lock her door." "She's a little batty, but don't worry." "We never leave her alone with the child." "That's probably a good idea." " Let me out!" " Settle down!" "We have company." "Seriously though, wouldn't it be cool if I was a small-town celebrity?" "People make fun of Dancin' Dan and Easter Joe, but I know for a fact that Chubby's Burgers gives them free food if they promise not to urinate in the parking lot." "I can promise not to do that." "Wha-What is this?" "That's trash, toss it." "Ho, ho, ho, nice try." "Come on, it's time to get rid of this stuff." "I mean, even the social worker would agree a three-year-old should not have to be confused by what are her toys and what are her daddy's toys." "Well, fine." "You can get rid of a few toys, but the shirt stays." "Fine, and while we're throwing stuff out," "I am done waking up next to this every morning." " Jennifer!" " Maggie!" "Here I go." "We are out of marshmallows." "But I did find a piece of taffy." "I'm hypoglycemic." "I have an aunt who has cerebral palsy." "Okay, I'm not sure what those two things have to do with each other." "Just someone I know with a disease." "Didn't want you to feel like you were all alone out there." "Here's our little angel." "That's a little girl." "Where is the little boy?" " Excuse me?" " The complaint is about a little boy, five years old." "He was seen crowd-surfing at a Smokey Floyd concert." "That wasn't Hope, that was Jimmy." "That happened 20 years ago." "This is embarrassing." "We're a little behind because of budget cuts." "You know, last week, I went to check on a child who was being kept in a cage and I found a teenager in a pen." "That better not be the last piece of taffy." "Maw Maw, no." "Room, room." "Room, room, room." "I'll go nail the window shut." "I'm sorry about that." "But, like I said, we try to keep her away from the baby as much as possible." "I see that." "We're gonna need to change gears here." "I'm beginning to be a little bit concerned that you are abusing your grandmother." "Abusing her?" "She abuses us." "She gave me a wet willy once that almost punctured my eardrum." "Her spit has touched my brain." "I couldn't find any nails." "But I broke a bottle on the ground under the window, so that should deter her from jumping out again." "Okay." "I'm gonna need to ask her some questions." "You just had to answer the door, didn't you?" "I could be knee-deep in watching farmers and plumbers getting nailed in the face with big red balls." "Did you hear what you just said?" "Not in the mood, Burt." "They shave me when I'm sleeping." "They made me live in the greenhouse for a week." "They wanted to go through my poo to look for gold." "She's making us sound crazy." "The lady needs to know that we love Maw Maw unconventionally." "I think you meant "unconditionally,"" "though "unconventionally" kinda works." "You actually stumbled into saying something kinda clever there." "I did that once before." "Burt, when did I do that?" "When your uncle died, you said we had to go hear his "last will and tentacle."" "Then he actually left his pet octopus to your cousin." "That's right." "That was crazy." "Well, this is all very disturbing." "Look, before you go judging us, you need to know..." "What do I need to know what?" "That among other things, she tells me you threaten to hit her with a stick in order to get her to stop playing the piano?" "Threaten, not hit." "Threaten to hit." "She says you force her to eat hot sauce." "No, no, no." "I put hot sauce on my arms when it looks like she's in a biting mood." "If it ends up in her mouth, that's the price she pays for being nippy." "You wrapped her in plastic wrap to try to subdue her!" "Let me get this straight." "If you wrap somebody in seaweed, it's a spa treatment, and you wrap somebody in Saran wrap, and it's a crime." "Obama!" "I have no other choice but to start a formal investigation." " What?" " Just fill these out," "Complete the required tasks," "I'll be back in one week for a second inspection." "If there is not a major improvement in her treatment, we will be forced to put her in a state-run home." "Wherever it says "child,"" "could you just put "old person"?" "Because I don't feel like going back to the office for those other forms." "No, you can't do this." "You have no idea what it's like to deal with her on a daily basis!" "She's crazier than a face-eating hobo!" "Hey!" "Can you keep it down?" "Some of us are trying to land a plane in there." "I know everyone is nervous, but hopefully, everyone will be on the ground in Minneapolis within the hour." "Please come back and listen to this!" "If we didn't want them to take Maw Maw away, we had our work cut out for us." "First, we needed to prove we cared about her health." "This isn't a Tom Jones concert." "It's a doctor's office!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "That's deep!" "That's really deep!" "She got me deep!" "Maw Maw, you need to see the doctor for your check-up or they're gonna take you away." "Good." "I want to go on a vacation." "I think she got a tendon." "My pinky's not working right." "Trust me, you do not want to go where they are taking you." "Should I get the leash out of the trunk?" "No, they said no leashes." ""Number 87: no restraints of any kind." ""Do not strap the elderly person in bed." ""Do not... " and we assume this goes without saying..." ""put the elderly person on a leash."" "There's a lot of stuff in here." "You know, I heard that old folks homes are actually really nice nowadays." "Burt, she took care of me my whole life." "I'm not gonna let them take her away." "I owe it to her." "We just got to get her to cooperate." "Maw Maw, if you don't go in there, they're gonna... put you in the outhouse and shock your brains with electricity." "Fine." "I'll see the doctor." "But I just know he's gonna tell me I'm pregnant." "I'm 480 months late." "Once Maw Maw was on board, things got a little easier." "But not completely easy." "First of all, I didn't ask you to get naked." "Secondly, this is the waiting room." "Normally we have ways of keeping her under control, but the state's kinda got our hands tied at the moment." "Luckily for us, we knew a certified elder-care professional, and she agreed to give us our eight hours of mandatory old person training." "Topics to avoid:" "Topics they enjoy:" "Excuse me." "This might be my mother." "Hello?" ":" "Hello...?" "Hello?" ":" "Hello?" "Hello...?" "According to the state, we couldn't leave Maw Maw alone during the day, so I had to take her to work with me." "Maw Maw, Liberace's gay!" "And since the lock wasn't allowed, we had to figure out a new way to keep track of Maw Maw at night." "Somehow we needed to convince her to eat something healthier than pickles and taffy." "Come on, Maw Maw." "If you don't eat this, they're gonna take you to a place where they stick a tube down your throat and feed you with a bicycle pump." "It wasn't easy," "But we were doing the best we could." "I got her." "Hey, Easter Joe." "Hey, Scooter-Stroller Guy." "He's..." "What beautiful petunias, Maw Maw." "Thank you." "Joan!" "What?" "!" "I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow." "No, the visitation is today." "That's why I called this morning." "Sorry, we just had such a busy day of fun senior activities." "Come on in." "Do you like pie?" "Maw Maw and I made a banana cream pie with just a touch of laxatives, so the trains run on time." "The fox is in the hen house." "Whose socks are on the pet mouse?" "They're coming in." "Hey!" "Where'd you get that shirt?" "In the Dumpster behind the grocery store." "I like it because it says, "I'm whimsical,"" "but acknowledges that me and my penis aren't always on the same page." "I can't believe you threw it away." "Dancin' Dan gets to wear that shirt, but I don't?" "I mean, how is that fair?" "I don't know." "Dancin' Dan will not be sleeping with me tonight, will you, Dancin' Dan?" "I think your first statement answered you subsequent question, but if you insist on rubbing it in, no." "So, will we be spending the evening together or are you with stupid?" "Enjoy the shirt, Dan." "So, in addition to the doctor visits, we've stocked the fridge with all kinds of fruits and vegetables so Maw Maw can have a balanced diet." "And you see we have all kinds of healthy juices:" "Cran-Apple, Cran-Grape, Cran-Banana." "If a cranberry has had sex with it, we've got it." "Very good." "I'm a big Cran fan myself." "There is no longer a lock on her door, no glass outside her window, and she's no longer shackled to the radiator." "You didn't know about that, did you?" "Never happened." "The point is, she's free to come and go as she wishes, as you will see." "And lastly, because she likes to just sit in her room and read... that is, when we aren't taking turns giving her hugs... one of the hardest things for us to figure out was how to get her to exercise more." "A motion detector on the light... that's very clever." "Thanks!" "Someone else invented the sensor." "We-We just installed it." "Yeah." "It's a lot spookier when you go out to the garage now, but Maw Maw's worth it." "I've gotta hand it to you." "You've really turned things around." "Well, it wasn't easy, but we just love her so much, we can't imagine not having her here with us." "Plus, I don't want you to shock my brain." "Excuse me?" "Okay." "She didn't understand what we meant when we said the state would take her away, so..." "To get her to cooperate, we just kinda had to... imblemish the truth a little." " Really?" " They told me about you." "They said you were gonna dip my feet in custard and feed 'em to wild hogs." "We had to tell her that so she would put her shoes back on at Salad Plantation." "You're an evil woman." "No, I'm not." "I'm really not." "I care a great deal about you, Barbara June." "Then why do you want me to run in a giant hamster wheel to power your model train set?" "No one is going to do anything bad to you." "These people have been lying." "So I'd like you to go ahead and pack a bag." "And I'm gonna take you somewhere where you're going to be much happier." "Goody!" "I'm going on a trip!" "Whoo!" "You can't do that!" "We did what you told us to!" "And in doing so, you replaced physical abuse with mental abuse." "Mental abuse?" "Is that even a thing?" "First of all, you're the only one who ever said we were physically abusing her, and we're just doing what we need to do to get her to do the things on your stupid list!" "You bureaucratic cat-dropper!" "I wish I knew more about you so I could come up with a better insult!" "Actually, that one cut right to the bone!" "I can't believe they took her." "Tune in next week for more skin... more action... and more PG-13 violence." "And tell your friends to watch, too." "A lot of people worked really hard on this thing."