"Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience." "Simon is going to be here any minute." "These pillows are flat!" "Well, if he's turned off by flat things..." "Elka, not today." "She's very nervous." "Joy, honey, you have got to calm down." "I can't." "I'm nervous enough that Simon's coming to see me, but he's also meeting his son and his grandson for the first time." "I know it's silly of me to hope, but what if it all works out?" "We could be a real family, maybe even a perfect family." " Well, no family is perfect." " We'll be." "Caroling on Christmas Eve in our matching sweaters." "People will look at us and say," ""why can't we be happy like them?"" "And we'll smile as the spirit of Christmas is replaced by envy in their hearts." "And I thought Melanie was the one with the brain tumor." "Speaking of which," "Elka and I are going doctor shopping today." " Good luck with that, honey." " Yeah." "Say, where's Wilbur?" "He's out with Victoria again." "Poor Wilbur." "Haven't told him yet, but he's been wait-listed at Prescott Academy." "Academy?" "It's a pre-school." "Yes, the most exclusive pre-school in Cleveland, and it's a feeder school for all the best kindergartens." "They color." "But he'll be coloring with the best." "It's all right that Wilbur lives in Cleveland," "I just don't want him to be too Cleveland." "I have a major announcement to make." "Guess who's a finalist in the Little Prince Charming pageant?" "Ta-da!" "Victoria, what's going on here?" "Wilbur, are you wearing false eyelashes?" "Don't they make my eyes pop?" "Nothing too Cleveland about that." "Hey!" "Victoria, you've been entering my grandson in beauty pageants?" "Joy, my life is a mess right now." "My husband escaped from jail and is on the lam," "God knows where." "But when I see little Wilbur up on that stage, body glitter glowing, belting out rhinestone cowboy, for just a few minutes I can actually forget my problems and just be a normal person." "Victoria, did you stuff a sock down his pants?" "Not an adult sock." "A kid's sock." "They all do it." "Oh, my God, it's Simon." "Everyone relax!" "Don't panic!" "I'll get the door." "Hello, Simon." "Wow." "You look beautiful." "Thank you." "Who's this wee gentleman?" "This is Wilbur, your grandson." "My grandson?" "I have a grandson." "Wow." "Look at you." " I..." "I never thought you'd be so..." " Fabulous?" "I brought you a gift." "Now, you kick it or, um, you can glue little mirrors on it and turn it into a disco ball." "It's all good." "In your case, Melanie," "I'd recommend a course of radiation to shrink the tumor and then assess the need for surgery." "Let me grab your x-rays and we can discuss further." "Oh, don't steal anything while I'm gone." "That is one handsome man." "Yeah." "Too handsome." "I don't want a doctor that handsome." "I need an ugly, nerdy doctor who had no dates in med school and had no choice but to focus on studying." "But he was funny." "No, he wasn't." "He said a couple of lame jokes and we both giggled like schoolgirls because he's so handsome." "Beautiful people get the benefit of the doubt all the time." "Oh, don't I know it." "I need an unattractive doctor." "Maybe you shouldn't base your entire decision on looks." "Found your x-rays." "They were right next to your y-rays." "Yeah." "We got to get out of here." "Still can't believe Wilbur." "I have a grandson!" "And he's so... sparkly." "That's new." "Victoria's taken him under her wing." "Well, he's adorable, but when do I get to meet his father?" "My son." "My boy." "My bonnie wee laddie." "His flight gets in this afternoon." "I should probably prepare you that Owen's feelings about meeting you are complicated." "He's a little resentful about you leaving me and not trying to find him." "That's understandable, I suppose, but we'll work through it." "What was I thinking leaving you?" "You don't look a day older than that beautiful teenage girl" "I used to take salsa dancing." "You're full of crap, but thank you." "Oh, God, it's been years since I salsa danced." "Well, luckily for you I have uno telefono con musica." "Ah, and just like that it's 30 years ago in a dark, smoky salsa club in the west end, pushing all the other guys out of the way." "Care to dance, chica?" "You still got it, kid." "Simon, we should take this slow." "I totally agree." "Let's take it slow all the way upstairs to my bedroom." "I'm already dancing you in that direction." "We've been to ten doctors." "Just pick one!" "We haven't been to Doctor Klein." "He's perfect." "Klein's not taking any new patients." "I know, but there is more than one way to get a doctor to see you." "I did some Internet digging, and he's looking for a girlfriend so I joined J-Date." "That's funny, you don't look j-ish." "Yeah." "Well, I'm studying." "Don't let this goyishe punim fool you." "I've got shpilkes in the finitin." "Oy vey." "This is not going to end well." "Yes, it will." ""I told you so"?" "That's for later." "Oh, hello, my two lovelies!" "How'd it go?" "Did you find your tumor doctor?" "Not yet." "No." "No one was quite right." "Well, I'm sure you will find one soon." "And Elka, ooh!" "I could just eat you up." "Oh, no." "Somebody put air in this old tire." "Yes!" "Simon and I made love, and it was perfect." "Afterwards, I wasn't disgusted with him or myself." "It's like a fairy tale." "Oh, hang on." "Oh, it's Prescott Academy calling." "Hello?" "Yes, I'll hold for admissions." "Do I sound like I just had sex?" "Oh, sorry." "I..." "I thought I was on hold." "An interview?" "This afternoon?" "Well, uh, Wilbur's grandfather just arrived." "Yes, he's very involved in Wilbur's life." "Yes, he'd love to come." "See you then." "Oh, bollocks!" "They want us in for an interview this afternoon." "Now I've got to find out where Victoria's taken Wilbur, tell Owen he has to rush from the airport to meet a father he doesn't even want to meet in an interview where we have to present ourselves" "as the perfect family." "Why don't you reschedule?" "You can't reschedule with these places." "No, I went through this with my kids." "This is your only chance." "They're gonna be judging you on everything, so you have to be perfect." "I'm sure pre-schools were different in your day." "My pre-school was a box." "And my teacher was a potato." "Then winter came..." "And I had to eat my teacher." "I can't believe I'm gonna meet my son for the first time." "How do I look?" "Stop making this about you." "How do I look?" "Gorgeous as always." "Oh, I'd love to, but I don't want to smudge my lipstick." "Everything has to be perfect." "We weren't there for Owen, but we can make sure that Wilbur gets the best." "God, where's Wilbur?" "Victoria should have brought him here by now." "Where the is she?" "I beg your pardon?" "Oh, no." "I..." "I'm..." "I wasn't referring to you." "We were discussing my gardener, Wari Fukishi." "He's a lovely man." "I'm Dr. Teresa Carson, Headmistress." "This is Simon, and I'm Joy." "Wow." "That is a big hand." "How kind of you to notice." "Where's Wilbur, or his father for that matter?" "Wilbur is on an educational adventure with his Aunt Victoria, and Owen is getting back from a business trip." "He should be here any minute." "And I can't wait to meet him." "See him, I mean." "Again, I mean." "Excuse me." "My boy!" "It's you!" "Why are you hugging my assistant?" "Because saying "my boy" and then giving a hug is a standard greeting in Scotland... to a young man... you've just met." "Owen Burr is here." "Send him in." "Oh, my God." "It's you." "Hi, dad." "This is my son!" "Now, Simon." "It's not like you've never seen Owen come back from a business trip before." "Of course!" "It's happened many times, but each time it does, it's just so amazing." "I'm Dr. Carson, Headmistress." "Why don't we all have a seat?" "He's creeping me out." "Suck it up." "We are a happy family, we've been together forever, and we love each other very much." "So, Owen, why don't you tell me a little bit about your family dynamic?" "Well, we're a happy family, we've been together forever, and we love each other very much." "Beautifully put." "He's got his grandmother's eyes." "To think I might never have seen them." "If Owen's plane had crashed." "We brits always expect the worst." "I'm expecting it now." "So, uh, how long you been on J-Date?" "Uh, a week." "I remember because I was having a brisket, and I said to my friend Ruchel, "what could it hurt?"" "And how observant are you?" "Observant enough to see that you are quite a catch." "A doctor!" "So what is your specialty, I'm wondering?" "Brain tumors." "Of which I have one!" "Maybe we could get together sometime in your office for a nosh or a consultation maybe." "Oh, for God's sake." "You're the Melanie who's been pestering my office for an appointment." "You're not even Jewish!" "But I'm so close!" "I'm Italian." "Look, I've got too many patients as it is." "I'm here because my therapist wants me to build a life outside my practice." "So him you listen to and not me?" "Stop doing that!" "I'm leaving." "I know what it says, Elka." "It's not what you think." "Open it." ""I told you so."" "There's something on the other side." ""See other side."" "So, Mr. Burr, you're a single parent who travels frequently?" "Oh, don't worry." "Wilbur's my life." "I'm not one of those dads who goes decades without seeing their kid." "That's not me." "Nor me, anymore." "If it ever was." "We all love holding hands so much." "Ah." "But let's remember, we're here to talk about Wilbur." "He's a great kid." "He's friendly, down to earth." "Just your typical, red-blooded, all-American boy." "Say hello to Prince Charming!" "Wilbur!" "Hey there, bud." " What happened to you?" " I won!" "Oh, he certainly did." "I'm sorry we're late, but you have one very special applicant here." "He made those other contestants look like babies..." "Which, to be fair, most of them were." "Wilbur, you're gonna go off with Andy and you're gonna play some games and answer a few questions." "Oh, it's the talent portion." "Okey-dokey!" "All right, just dial it down a little bit." "All right, now that we're all finally here, let's begin." "Victoria doesn't have to stay, does she?" "She's part of your support system, isn't she?" "Yes, I am." "And you should know that I am happy to use my celebrity to help the school in any way." "I'm sorry, who exactly are you?" "I'm Victoria Chase." "And what do you do?" "I'm a very famous actress." "All right." "Okay, let's talk about family." "I mean, obviously, you know, it's so important that children have adults who care." "I absolutely agree." "That's why I made sure Wilbur has that." "Speaking of caring, Owen," "I read an article that said that some fathers build strong bonds with their children despite being absent many years." "It probably drew your attention because of its lack of similarities to our own situation." "I read a different article that said adult children of absent fathers aren't that interested in building a bond." "Although all that reading didn't stop them from enjoying America's favorite pastime, television." "Have I won an Emmy?" "Why, yes, I have." "But today is about Wilbur." "Well, I hope Wilbur won't be watching much television." "We prefer outdoor activities for our children." "Wilbur and I like to go fishing." "I love fishing!" "We should go this weekend!" "You know, I played a fish out of water in the forthcoming Woody Allen movie." "Surely you have heard of him?" "I've heard of him." "I do not approve of him." ""I've heard of him." "I do not approve of him."" "Look, if you don't want to go fishing, we could always go skeet shooting." "I don't like guns." " Barbeque?" " I don't eat meat." " Hunting?" " That's guns and meat." "Look, I'm sorry." "I can't do this anymore." "This is just so weird." "It... it doesn't have to be, son." "Dude, back off." "I just met you!" "What is going on?" "Oh, bloody hell." "I give up." "The truth is" "Simon got me pregnant when we were very young, and I gave up Owen for adoption." "Owen and I reconnected a few years ago, but this is the first time" "Simon's ever laid eyes on him." "Look, I know this is a big mess but please, don't judge the child by the family." "And, you know, that is an official rule of the Little Prince Charming pageant." "Wait a minute." "I do recognize you." "Oh, thank you." "I was travelling in Asia last year." "You're the face of incontinence!" "You're Mrs. Ladypants!" "Will that help Wilbur get into your school?" "Not at all." "Then I have no idea what you're talking about." "I don't know what I'm gonna do." " I can't find the right doctor." " Yeah." "When my first marriage fell apart," "I had trouble choosing a lawyer because subconsciously, once I chose one it would mean that I was really getting divorced." "And if I choose a doctor it means I really have a brain tumor." "And I do, so I will choose one." "Well, whoever you choose," "I mean, we're going through this with you." "So choose a handsome one." "Yeah, maybe I'm in denial too, using Wilbur's pageants as a distraction from my problems." "You know, whether or not I ever see Emmet again," "I need to just move on with my life." "Well, after Wilbur wins state." "Hey, how come we have so much wine left?" "Joy's on the porch." "All right." "So Wilbur didn't get in." "We'll get him a box and a potato." "I hated that pre-school anyway." " Me too." " Me too." "Of course, we're only saying that" " 'cause he never got in." " Of course." " It's a great pre-school." " It was magnificent!" "They had an olympic-sized pool." "It was only two-feet deep!" "We've taken perfect family off the table, but maybe we can be something." "I'd like that." "Look, we might not be the first family that started out with a broken condom behind the bins of a fish and chip shop, but we can be the best!" "Look, you seem like a decent guy now, but it's hard to get over all those awful things you've done." "Abandoning your mother?" "Yeah, and the drug dealing and the arson." "What?" "I never did those things." "When I first met Owen," "I may have told him a few white lies so he'd hate you as much as I did." "Plus, I'd just shot him and I wanted him to be on my side." "You shot him?" "You lied to me?" "Oh, look at us." "Oh, we may have just met, but we already have a lot of baggage." "We are a real family." "All right." "How about we go fishing tomorrow?" "I'd like that." "We can take Wilbur." "We can use his sequins as lures." "Speaking of Wilbur," "I need to go upstairs and make sure he brushes his teeth..." "And takes off his makeup." "We made a good kid, didn't we?" "We sure did." "You know, I never thought I'd say this, but do you want to go to bed, grandma?" "I sure would, grandpa." "Worst dirty talk ever." "Oh, shut up and kiss me."