"My column, my column, my column... (LAUGHS) My column." ""Is it just me?"" "By..." ""Cory Matthews." Do I have to?" "Enjoy." ""Is it just me, or does paste just not taste as good as it used to?" ""Is it just me, or is Homer Simpson getting a little too old to be on the show?"" "(LAUGHS) Isn't that so true?" "Cory, I know you really believe in your little humor column, but, uh..." "Don't you think you should be writing about something a little more important, like the girls' swim team and why they don't wear high heels?" "So, Debbie, Gary took you to Le Chardonnay?" "It's really expensive." "Yeah, I know." "It was great." "We were talking and laughing and having such a great time and then..." "At the end of the night..." "Parked two blocks from my house..." "Octopus time." "Hey!" "Had a nice night the other night." "(LAUGHS)" "All over me." "What happened to the nice guy I had dinner with?" "It's like, the night's almost over, so he's all over me?" "(SIGHS) Why are guys such jerks on dates?" "Not all guys, Debbie." ""Not all guys, Debbie."" "Is it just me, or should you not be proud of that?" "Oh." "After a night of fighting them off, it's like..." "I don't know whether I want to go out on dates anymore, you know?" "Rather spend my time at the library." "It's that pathetic." "It's too bad guys and girls have such a different idea about what a date is supposed to be." "Yeah." "What goes on in their heads?" "Want to find out?" "There's two of them." "Hey, what goes on in your heads?" "Topanga. 24 hours a day, it's the Topanga channel in here." "Aw, who's a good boy?" "Debbie, don't you think that guys and girls are looking for the same things on dates?" "Well, girls are looking for an evening of good conversation and, you know, the sense that you've made a genuine connection with another human being." "You're not interested in making out?" "Well, maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but it shouldn't be expected because I went on a date with you." "So, how are we supposed to know what's okay?" "We'll let you know." "You don't let us know very clearly." "Yes, we do." "You just don't listen." "You're too busy planning your next move to hear us say no." "What?" "You see, this is why I write my funny column." "To take us away from the drudgery of interesting conversation." "Yeah, but you should be writing about something that affects people." "Yeah." "Why don't you write your column about why guys are such big jerks on dates?" "Debbie, if you really feel that all guys want to do is go too far, then why go out with them at all?" "You're right." "I'm done." "Way to be sensitive, Shawn." "Yeah." "Yeah, it really pays to be honest with a girl." "Is it just me?" "Or is it just me?" "To research his book, Black Like Me, author John Griffin, a white man, had his skin pigment temporarily darkened, so that he could experience life through the perspective of a black man." "Wouldn't it have been easier to just ask?" "Well, there was such distrust between the races that Griffin felt that only by becoming black could he begin to understand the horrors of segregation." "Cory, that's your next story." "What?" "To understand what girls are talking about, you experience the world from a girl's point of view by becoming a girl." "That's crazy talk." "No, no, no." "You dress up like a girl and write about it." "Chick Like Me." "That's meaningful." "You're writing a real article, not just some silly column." "It is not a silly column." "Yes, it is." "Ok, Mr. Feeny." "What happened to this guy Griffin after he wrote his book?" "He sold five million copies and won immediate world renown." "Why do you ask, Mr. Matthews?" "Miss Matthews." "What?" "Nothing." "This is the dome 2000." "When you get to the top of the mountain and that wind starts to blowing', you'll be real glad you got this over your head." "I'll remember who sold it to me, too." "I hope you do." "That way, you can remember me for all your future wilderness needs." "Listen, um..." "I imagine you probably get this a lot, but you seem awfully nice." "You want to go get a cup of coffee sometime?" "You seem mighty nice, too, but..." "I'm not much of a coffee drinker." "Oh, that's okay." "We could do something else." "Anything." "That would be great." "Why don't you come over to my place, and I'll cook you a big ol' dinner." "How about tonight?" "Really?" "That would be..." "Wow." "Oh, great." "And after dinner, that's when the real fun starts." "I'm always up for a little fun." "Good, because we rub oil all over our bodies..." "I like that." "Go jumpin' in the cold river..." "What?" "And go eel grabbing'." "What?" "It's fun, great fun." "And for the eels, too, unless their heads break off." "So, uh, what time tonight?" "Uh, tonight..." "Tonight's really not good for me." "I've got another appointment which doesn't actually involve eels." "Oh, come on, Dave." "Where's your sense of adventure?" "You know, I'll just take the tent." "Oh!" "In fact, you keep the tent, and what I'm gonna do is leave." "Wait." "Well, I was just trying to be friendly." "Eric, is there something the matter with me?" "Eric, is there something the matter with me?" "I'm lookin'." "No." "I mean, why am I always scaring boys off?" "Well, Lonnie, you don't have a lot of social experience with men, do you?" "No, not city men." "Didn't you date any guys back there in the mountains?" "Oh, sure." "We'd go out in the woods and shoot things." "Oh, so you like hunting?" "All right." "Well, here's a question for you." "When you see a cute little fuzzy animal that you like, that you know you like to shoot, do you go running up to it, yelling and waving your rifle in the air?" "Well, no." "And why not?" "'Cause it will scare the little critter off." "Oh." "Oh, so you're saying my behavior is scaring these city men." "(SOFTLY) Just a smidge." "I have to learn how to hunt and track these boys." "Mmm-hmm." "Well, I'm gonna need a city man to practice on." "(LAUGHS)" "Hey, guys." "Hi, Son." "How was your day?" "CORY:" "Fine." "What'd you do in school?" "Nothing." "Hey, hold on." "Wait there." "You know, every day, I ask you what did you do, and every day, you tell me nothing." "Well, I'm tired of nothing." "I mean, we both know something happened today, and I want to know what it is." "I decided to be a girl." "Well, you taught me a very valuable lesson there, Son." "You know the book Black Like Me?" "Sure." "Is that what you guys are reading in school?" "Don't ask questions, honey." "Cory's gonna write Chick Like Me for the school newspaper." "He's gonna experience life from a girl's point of view by dressing up like a girl." "No, don't want you to." "Oh, come on." "I think it would be a wonderful learning experience." "It could serve him well for the rest of his life." "What's in here, Cor..." "It's a miracle bra." "It's a miracle bra, honey." "Get a camera." "Oh, I'm not dressing up like a girl just for the sake of dressing up like a girl." "I'm a journalist, dagnabbit." "Hi, Topanga." "Hi." "Shawn, I might've been a bit protective of Debbie this morning, and I didn't fully consider your point of view." "I never knew I had a point of view." "You know what, Topanga, everything's worked out for the best because I've decided to be a girl and to see what it's really like." "Not in that dress, you're not." "Well, that's why I was counting on your expert assistance to help in selecting the proper female accouterments." "You want me to dress you up like a girl?" "Yeah, Topanga." "Make Cory pretty." "Cool." "Cory?" "Sweetie, you have to come out eventually." "CORY:" "Don't want to." "Second thoughts." "Come on out." "We won't laugh." "You're not seeing what I'm seeing." "Hey, Cor, come on, buddy." "You're gonna write an article that means something." "You're gonna make a difference, not only in our lives, but in the lives of guys and girls everywhere." "CORY:" "You're not seeing what I'm seeing." "Come on, Cor." "How bad a girl could you be?" "Okay, bad." "How bad?" "Bad-bad." "I knew it." "I look..." "I look fat." "Fat is the least of your problems, baby." "Topanga..." "Maybe it's just not a good color for you." "(EXCLAIMS)" "Come on, you guys." "We can do this." "It's just all how you present yourself." "Now, Cory, let's see how you present yourself." "Okay." "(EXHALES DEEPLY)" "Was that all right?" "Not even on a desert island." "Instructive, Shawn." "Okay, look." "Cor, you're missing the obvious." "Girls just glide more." "They're more at ease." "You gotta kind of let it flow." "That's pretty right on the nose there, Shawn." "Yeah, well." "Girls are my area." "I like girls." "Ok, then show me, Shawn." "Show me." "What's to show?" "Here." "What?" "Oh, no." "No." "No, no, no." "Why is everybody staring?" "What are they looking at?" "Well, Shawn, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you're kind of a babe." "Really?" "Yeah." "You want me to, like, carry your books for you?" "I get that?" "Yeah, thanks." "Why are you carrying his books?" "We're trying to create the illusion that Shawn's a girl, so I thought this would help." "You never carry my books." "Well, look at him." "And look at you." "You are just radiant today." "Shawn, how does it feel to be wearing panty hose?" "Not Shawn." "You're right." "Yeah, he needs a girl's name." "Ok, this is easy." "How about Janet?" "No, no, no, not Janet." "What possible difference could it make?" "Cory!" "You've thought about this before, haven't you?" "A little." "And what name have you thought about?" "Well..." "Veronica." "(MOUTHING)" "Veronica is a lovely name." "Good morning, Miss Lawrence." "Mr. Matthews." "Mr. Hunter." "If there's anything you need to talk about, my door is always open." "I'm not here to judge." "It's for an article we're writing, Mr. Feeny." "I am not here to judge." "(EXHALES)" "Okay, guys, target's approaching." "10 yards..." "Five yards..." "Guys." "Hi, Gary." "Debbie said you two went out on Saturday." "Yeah." "I had a nice time." "Hi there." "Um..." "I'm Gary." "Gary, this is Veronica." "Veronica Wasboyski." "Hi." "You know, I have never seen you before." "You new in school?" "Yep." "I'm just a whole new person." "Listen, uh..." "If you want," "I'd be happy to, uh, you know, take you to Chubbie's, tell you what teachers to avoid, that kind of stuff." "Unless your boyfriend already did that." "Oh, no, Gary." "This one is definitely available." "Cory, I can speak for myself." "Well, then you just do that, Veronica." "That'd be great." "So, Saturday, is that good for both of you?" "Saturday's my date night." "It still is." "Okay, Saturday." "(SOFTLY) I'll give up a Saturday." "Well, I'll see you then." "Shawny, way to go." "You got the date." "What?" "I have nothing to wear." "All right, Lonnie." "Now..." "Let's say we're at a club." "Let's say that I'm Dave, and I'm standing here at the bar, and you see me from across the room, and you say to yourself..." "I want that one." "No, no, no, no." "Remember hunting?" "Remember the boy bunnies?" "You don't want to scare 'em away." "There'll be nothing left to hunt." "Yeah, that's no fun." "No, it's not." "Here's what you gotta do." "You gotta approach me without being detected." "You stand next to me, but not close enough to make me realize that I'm your prey." "Now turn to me." "Make eye contact." "Smile." "And then say..." "I want that one!" "I admire your single-mindedness, but no." "What guys really like is a compliment." "You give us a great compliment, we're yours for the rest of your life." "That is the nicest shirt." "I'd love to get one just like that for my brother Buck." "Who makes that?" "Some shirt guy." "Can I look?" "Oh, I can't seem to find the label." "Is it someplace else?" "Could be anywhere." "I wouldn't stop looking." "Oh, you know what I'm doin'?" "Just what God intended?" "No." "I'm bein' too friendly again, and you were just about to tell me that, weren't you?" "Yeah, I was gonna get to that eventually." "You know, I never would've thought that bein' friendly could drive people away." "But I guess friendliness is just different between men and women." "Yeah, I guess it is." "So, you know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna step back a respectable distance here, and I'm just gonna say hello." "Hello." "My name is Lonnie Boden, and I will do whatever I can not to physically invade your personal space." "Perhaps we can discuss our career goals over a Grape Nehi." "(LAUGHS) What have I done?" "This has been a terrific evening, and you are just great." "And so I'm wonderin', how is it that someone like you doesn't have a boyfriend?" "(STUTTERS) I haven't really been looking for a boyfriend, 'cause I just been going through a lot of changes." "Listen, any time you want to talk," "I'm here to listen." "Thanks." "That's..." "That's nice, Gary." "I gotta have some food." "Oh, you got it." "Waitress!" "(HUSKY VOICE) How ya doin', honey?" "Cory?" "I'm Cora." "I'll be your waitress this evening." "You know, I come in here a lot, and I've never seen you before." "Quit hitting on me." "I'm just kidding." "It's my first night." "Besides, it looks like you're already taken, cutie." "You're insane." "May I take your order, baby?" "My usual." "A double chiliburger and one chocolate milk shake and two straws." "I'll have the same and a steak." "What?" "Well, aren't you the voracious little eater." "(MOUTHING)" "So, you having a good time?" "A little trouble breathing." "You're crowding me a bit." "Oh, maybe you're just tense." "How about I rub your shoulders?" "You know, I didn't ask you to do that." "Yeah, but doesn't it feel good?" "You're not listening to me." "Whoa, you're a strong one." "Yeah, I play a little field hockey." "Yeah, I knew that, because the first thing I noticed were your legs." "Aah!" "What's the matter?" "You just don't listen." "You're too busy planning your next move to hear us say no." "What?" "Hey, where you going?" "He touched me." "Where?" "On my knee." "It's my knee." "What makes him think that it's his knee?" "Maybe you sent him a signal." "The only signal I sent him was "stop it."" "And he didn't listen." "I'm not like that." "I'm not." "I never will be again." "Okay, well, here he comes." "No, no." "I quit." "You can't." "We have an article to finish." "I should've worn a pantsuit." "Look, uh, sorry I got a little aggressive." "Nobody respects women more than me." "You forgive me?" "Of course she forgives you." "You two are just adorable together." "Isn't he just delish?" "Tell you what." "How about I teach you how to play foosball?" "How about I teach you?" "Yeah, right." "My hosiery is bunching." "Now, uh, what you need to do is you want to spin that handle, and you want to make this little guy kick the ball." "Like this?" "Yeah." "Kind of like that." "I can go a little easier if you want." "Just take your next shot." "Oh, nice block." "Oh, you liked that?" "Let me show you how I did it." "Now, what you need to have is a real light touch." "Hey, hey." "Hey, what?" "What is wrong with you?" "I'm just showing you how to play the game." "I know how to play the game." "Yeah, I could tell by the way you're dressed." "I just wanted to look nice." "Well, you do." "I said don't touch me." "Okay, don't like to be touched." "Did it ever occur to you that I might be a nice girl?" "No." "What I thought was that you'd be into guys." "Yeah, but, I guess you're not." "I guess you prefer girls." "As a matter of fact, I do." "What?" "I said, as a matter of fact... (GRUNTS) ...I do!" "What was that for?" "For every girl I've ever known." "Uh, please pay at the register, honey." "And tipping is not a city in China." "Come on, honey, we're out of here." "Gentlemen, it seems the whole school is talking about it." "And if I do say so myself, excellent article." "Troubling photographs." "Cory, I am so proud of you." "The article is wonderful." "Well, I am a journalist, dagnabbit." "Shawn, I wanted to thank you for what you did." "Hey, not necessary." "I learned a lot." "You did?" "Yeah." "In fact, of all the guys around," "I'd say I'm the world's most perfect date right now." "I'd say of all the girls around," "I could probably use a perfect date right now." "So, what did you have in mind?" "I don't know." "We could, uh, start with an evening of good conversation." "And a genuine connection with another human being?" "Hey, I'm your boy." "What's wrong?" "My hosiery is still bunching."