"(TURN UP THE RADIO PLAYING)" "Turn it up!" "Turn up the radio" "I need the music Give me some more" "NICK:" "Come on, Boots, you have three minutes left." "You can do this." "You came to me, remember?" "It's not about losing weight." "It's about a lifestyle change." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "(BARKING)" "Nick, you have a customer." "Like we practiced." "Right away, Terry." "'Sup, dawg?" "Oh." "Ha!" "Funny." " It's the name of the store." " What can I do for you, man?" "Bono has been doing this for three days." "(MOANING)" "It's fucking disgusting." " Bring him up here." " Bono, Bono, come." " Bono, up!" " Don't yell at him like that." "Okay." "Okay." "Cool." "You're gonna..." "I might just look... (WHIMPERS)" "Do I know you?" "I know you." "You're the singer from Chocolate Lipstick." "You guys used to play at the Jam Shack on Friday nights." " Damn!" "You remember that?" " You were so good." "Yeah." "Oh, my God, you still singing?" "Nah." "That was a long time ago." "Wow!" "What are you doing now?" "You get shit out of dogs' asses." "That's great." "NICK:" "You own a BMW?" "Yeah, can you tell?" "(EX CLAIMS IN DISGUST)" "Good boy." "(ON ANSWERING MACHINE) Adam, it's Lou." "Don't hang up, okay?" "It's not about money." "It's about making money." "You and me, buddy." "LILY:" "Hi, it's me." "So, I did everything according to your stupid fucking plan." "I took everything with the yellow stickers and I left you everything with the red stickers." "There was some stuff in your closet with no stickers, so I threw that in a pile and burned it in the backyard." "(LILY CHUCKLING)" "Seemed like the right thing to do." "And thank you for claiming that empty plastic bottle." "I was prepared to fight you on that one." "Anyway, I left you something on the counter." "It's from the heart." "(ADAM SIGHS)" "Oh, and one last thing." "Um..." "The TVhad a red sticker on it, but I took it anyway." "(CHOKING)" "Bye." "JACOB:" "Just keeping my head down." "Not getting shivved today." "Let's knock these reps out." "Mmm!" "Mmm!" "Turn on a light, Jake." "Open a window." "Go outdoors." "Jesus Christ!" "Why don't you get out of the house this weekend, huh?" "What should I do out of the house, Uncle Adam?" "I don't know." "Anything that corresponds with reality." "Apply for a job." "Maybe try to go to college." "I don't know." "That all sounds kind of overrated." "You don't like it, you can move back in with your mom." "No, I can't actually." "She moved in with her new boyfriend." "I will not be anywhere near that." "She moved in with him?" "Yeah, the taxidermist." " The taxidermist is stuffing my mother." " Kelly." "She's your sister." "You should call her once in a while." "Check in." "Well, maybe she should check in with me." "Ever think of that?" "JACOB:" "Yeah." "That's interesting." "Listen, I've got a big court date in a few minutes." " If I miss it, I'm kind of screwed." " Why do you waste your time with that Second Life bullshit?" "Look at you, you're still in jail." "You were in jail last week." "Yeah." "I'm a prisoner." "It's called "doing hard time."" "Can't you be like a warrior or a shaman or an Orc or some shit like that?" "No, no." "In life, you make choices, and if you screw up you have to pay for those choices." "You're 20 years old, you haven't made an important choice in your life." "What are you mad about?" "What is this?" "I don't know if you noticed, but Lily moved out." "Is that what all the shuffling was?" "Uh-huh." "What did you do?" "I didn't do anything." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)" "(TIRES SQUEALING)" "(HOME SWEETHOMEPLAYING)" "No fucking way!" "(SINGING) You know I'm a dreamer" "But my heart's of gold" "I had to run away high" "So I wouldn't come home low Just when things went  song And you'll never be left all alone" "(ENGINE REVVING)" "I'm on my way" "I'm on my way" "Home sweet home" "Tonight, tonight I'm on my way" "Home sweet home" "MALE NARRATOR: (ON TV) Even among the gentle prairie squirrels," "(CELL PHONE RINGING) the mate-less male is subjected to a humiliating ritual." "Hello." "What?" "Fuck!" "NICK:" "Hey." "Adam." " What's happening, man?" " Hey." "You all right?" " Hi, Courtney." " Hey, how you doing?" " Nice to see you." " You, too." " Yeah." " Not here." "Long time." "Yeah." "You know..." " Work's been crazy and..." " NICK:" "I know." " I called a couple of times." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Very, very busy." "You think this is a real situation or just one of his bullshit episodes?" "I don't know." "You never know with Lou." "Well, hey, Adam, how's your girlfriend?" "Oh, really bad." "Okay." "Happy times." "Hi, folks." "I'm Dr. Jeff." "Lou's resting." "He's denying that it was a suicide attempt and medically he's stable, so legally we can't keep him here." "But we do think that he should be monitored for a few days." "Does he have any family?" "Lou's family all kind of hate him." "Okay." "Well, then I guess it's up to you guys, his friends." "You are his friends, right?" "It's like that friend who's the asshole." "But he's our asshole, you know?" "Right." "Yeah." "WOMAN: (ON PA) Dr. Jefferies to radiology." "(WHISPERING) Lou." "Why would he do this?" "Why?" "I mean, make a list." "He's an alcoholic, he's divorced." "Wife ran off with that Jamaican guy." "He's failed at every jive-ass money hustle he's ever tried." "ADAM:" "He's in a mountain of debt." " NICK:" "He hates his mother." " He hates himself." "He hates everybody." " He has erectile dysfunction." " ADAM:" "He's got halitosis." "He's got that runt ball." "Huh." "He said one of his balls was shriveled up..." " Oh, yeah." "...like a spoiled grape." "Wasn't it that quarterback on the Bears who had his ball crushed on the field." "Right?" " Yeah." " Yeah." " Right, right." " '82?" "Yeah, yeah." " He came back from that, though." " Strong as ever." " Fuck yeah." " But I don't know about Lou." " It's just like..." " No." "(SIGHS) It's just like an accumulation of punishment." "Fuck you guys." " Oh!" " Hey!" "There he is." "Hey." "I can fucking hear everything you're saying, all right?" "Look who's awake." "What's up, man?" " Hey." " Hey, man." "What's up?" "You look just like my friend Nick." "And you look like my friend Adam." "But you wouldn't be those guys because I've been calling and calling them," " and they haven't returned my calls." " So, listen, Violator." "Me and Nick got a little surprise for you." "Something special that the three of us can do." "Come on." "You guys." " ADAM:" "Are you curious?" " No!" "I didn't fucking try and kill myself." "If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself." "I'd be awesome at it." "A shotgun to the dick." "I'm glad you didn't do it." "It's good to see you guys, anyway." "So, just out of curiosity, what's the surprise?" "Tell him." "Ko-di-ak Valley." "No fucking way!" "NICK:" "Yes, sir." "ADAM:" "Yeah." " Fucking K-Vals?" "Holy shit!" " Yes, sir." "Bang!" "We fucking ski, right?" "We fucking rage." "Chimney Point at the end of the night with a bottle of scotch to wash it all down." "Oh!" "And you guys are paying for the whole thing?" " Sure." " Yep." "Let's go tonight." " We go tomorrow." " Let's go now." "Let's go now." "I just got to get rid of this thing." "It's really uncomfortable." "You should wait for the nurse or something." "(GRUNTING) I got it." "I got it." " Hold on, Lou." " No, no, no, no." "Let somebody do that for you." "(GRUNTING)" "(EX CLAIMING)" " Oh, shit." " God." "Did I get that on you?" " ADAM:" "Yes, you did." " Damn it!" "It's only pee." "Relax, it's only pee." " There's Lou." " JACOB:" "Good, he's drinking already." "ADAM:" "Look at this shit." "Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me?" "Yeah, but he..." "You had that coming." "ADAM:" "Hey, Violator." "NICK:" "Lou." "What the fuck is he doing here?" "It's nice to see you, too, Lou." "(IN MOCKING TONE) "Nice to see you, too, Lou." Fuck you, Jacob." "You suck and you know it." "You just ruined my fucking weekend." "Hey, Lily will come back." "Trust me." " No, she won't." " LOU:" "No, she won't." " ADAM:" "No, she won't." " No, she won't." "She basically thinks I'm an asshole, you know?" "Like a completely self-absorbed, delusional..." " She's got a point." " ADAM: narcissistic." " Fuck you." " LOU:" "You're better off." "Take my word for it." "Look at me." "Fuck wives, man." "Fuck kids." "Lock it down or they will take everything from you." "God damn it!" "Who the fuck are you texting with?" "Just a friend of mine." "Male or fucking female?" "For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends." "Hot ones." "You have had lots of boyfriends." "Gay ones." "(LAUGHING)" "Hey, hey, hey, check this out." "I brought a regulation bar for tubbing tonight." "ADAM:" "Nice." "I've got vodka, fucking Tequilles O'Neals." "You guys are gonna love this." "Check this out." "Chernobly." "It's like the Russian Red Bull." "It's got shit in it that's not even legal here." "Like what shit?" "How the fuck am I supposed to know, dude?" "But it's illegal." "Hey, why didn't we just go to Pinnacle?" "It would have taken, like, half the time." "You wanna go to Kodiak Valley, trust me." "You're at the right age for it." " Really?" " NICK:" "Yeah." "Nobody gets carded and everybody gets laid." "MEN: (CHANTING) K-Val!" "K-Val!" "K-Val!" " K-Val!" "K-Val!" " K-Val!" "K-Val!" "Oh, shit!" "K-Val!" "(ALL WHOOPING)" "This?" "This is the coolest town ever?" "LOU:" "Fuck!" "That used to be Papa Enzo's." "I broke up with Jenny Stedmeyer there." " What made you break up with her, again?" " I don't know." "We swapped virginities junior year." "All we did was listen to records and have sex." "And she was epic, I mean she was..." "She was epic." "Yeah, man." "She was hot." "And then when I broke up with her, she was so mad, she practically stabbed me in the eye with a fork." "Actually, she did stab me in the eye with a fork." "She was a one-percenter, man." " Yeah." " LOU:" "All downhill from there." "That was a big one." "First love." "The one that got away." "MEN:" "The great white buffalo." " Yeah." " Yeah." "The great what?" "BOTH: (WHISPERING) Great white buffalo." "Why are you guys whispering?" "BOTH: (WHISPERING) Great white buffalo." "That was really helpful, you guys." "Thank you." "JACOB:" "Look at this place." "I'm gonna make a prediction right now." "One of us is gonna start writing a novel, and then we all get snowed in, and then Lou's gonna ax murder all of us." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "NICK:" "Motherfuck." "What's that smell?" "Fucking cats." "(MEOWING)" "JACOB:" "Kind of a lot of cats." "This sucks." " MAN:" "Hi." " Hi." "You got a reservation (CLEARING THROAT) for Webber-Agnew?" "Sorry." "What was that name again?" "Webber-Agnew." "Webber and Agnew." "I got a "Nick Webber-Agnew."" "I'm sorry, excuse me." "What?" "What did you just say?" "Webber-Agnew?" "Webber-fucking-Agnew?" "You took your wife's last name?" "You're a fucking hyphenate?" "A lot of dudes are doing it." "It's progressive." "No." "No dudes are doing it." "You look like a progressive guy." "Is that progressive?" " Would you do that?" "No." " No." "And he has a goatee." "(BELL RINGS)" "(CART CREAKING)" "LOU:" "Does this guy seem a little imbalanced to you?" "NICK:" "No." "Come on." "JACOB:" "He's right there." "Shut up." "Let me give you a hand with that." "Hey!" "I am not going to tell you again!" "I can handle it." "LOU:" "This guy's a fucking dick." "NICK:" "Shh." "He's disabled." "JACOB:" "He can hear you." "So what?" "He's exempt from common fucking courtesy 'cause he can't start a round of applause?" "(DOORS CREAKING)" "He's gotta jerk off one-handed?" "I mean, I certainly don't take my hands and I put them together and oil them up..." "Hey, 420." "Our old room." "Check it out." "NICK:" "That's okay man." "JACOB:" "Oh!" "Those are mine." "I'll just get those." "This is the part where you tip the guy that helped you out." "(LAUGHING) I'm not the guy that..." "Nick, pay the man something." " I got it." "Don't worry." " ADAM:" "This place looks like shit!" "NICK:" "What happened to that guy?" "Check this shit out." "It's still there." "Adam sucks cocks 'n' dicks." " ADAM:" "It's your best work." " Fucking burned you." " Burned!" " Hey, guys, come take a look at this." "We got a hot tub." "(ALL EX CLAIMING)" "NICK:" "Sweet Jesus!" "ADAM:" "Poor little fella." "This is obviously unacceptable, right?" "We call downstairs, get somebody to fix this?" "Is anybody else hungry?" "A little school spirit this time, huh?" " We're in, man." " Just play it like you fucking mean it." " Like that." " Yeah." "Yes, I would like to get a hooker to fuck me and my friends." "What?" "Adam, I'm not doing that." "Whatever, semantics." "I want an escort to escort our penises into her vagina." "I want the girl in the picture, too." "No tomfoolery." " Wake her up, I don't care." " Will you listen to him?" "Does she do four?" "What about three?" " Okay." "Jacob, you're out." " JACOB:" "Okay." "Good." " I need $3,000." " I'm not in." "I'm married." "Adam, I need $2,000." "Me and you, buddy." " Come on." " I'm out there, Violator." "Can I call you back, sir?" " Okay." "Thank you." "Bye." " Sir?" "Let's do something fun." "Let's create a memory, huh?" "Let's get some cocaine and break into a school." "Or steal a cop car or some shit, huh?" " Do you have Ritalin?" " No." "Don't fucking lie to me." "Every one of you people have Ritalin." " No, I don't." " I'm sorry." "You probably do have Ritalin." "I have some Ativan, but it's different." " Let's stick it up our asses." " ADAM:" "Just give it to him." "No." "It's not a suppository." "It doesn't matter." "You crush it, you put it in a warm paper towel, run it under warm some water and you stick it right up your ass." "That works." "You put the paper towel up your ass, too?" " LOU:" "You crush up the..." " Hey, I got an idea," " why don't we just play quarters?" " LOU:" "What?" "I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do." "I'm getting really sad." "You know what I'm talking about?" "I'm gonna go to the bathroom and be alone with my own thoughts." "Who knows what's gonna happen up there." "Who knows what's gonna happen." "You better plan something fun." "(SLAMS PHONE)" "Jesus!" "Pussies." "I'm going dancing." "I don't know, man." "Maybe coming here was a bad idea." "Yeah." "If he kills himself, can we go home?" "Hard to believe this is the very room we had some of the best weekends of our lives." "Really?" "In this room right here?" "How?" "We were young." "We had momentum." "We were winning." "We were best friends." "What do you mean, "were" best friends?" "You know what I mean, man." "Everybody seemed to care more." "Everything seemed to matter more back then." "Whatever." "LOU:" "Check it out." "They must have fixed it." "Come on!" "ADAM:" "How's the water, Violator?" "LOU:" "Oh, man." "You guys gotta get in here." "It's gonna fucking change you." "Wait, why are you naked?" "JACOB:" "You're all getting naked?" "ADAM:" "Yep." "You don't think it's a little weird, a bunch of guys just piling up in a big bathtub together, naked?" "LOU:" "Are you afraid that some of these people might see you?" "I'm sorry." "If I'm being honest," "I'm not totally comfortable being around a bunch of other naked dudes." "It's called male bonding, okay?" "Haven't you even seen Wild Hogs?" "LOU:" "Fine, get us some snacks." "You know what?" "Fuck it." "(ALL HUMMING)" "I'm leaving my underwear on." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Very nice." "Shut up!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Damn, it's good to be here with you all again, man." " It's good to be back here with you guys." " ADAM:" "Yep." "I want to toast to the good times." "And you, too, young blood." "Come on in, here." "ALL:" "Yeah!" "(LOUDER THAN A BOMB PLAYING)" "This style seems wild" "Wait before you treat me like a stepchild" "Let me tell you why they got me on file" "'Cause I give you what you lack" "Come right and exact I stand accused of doing harm" "'Cause I'm louder than a bomb" "Come on Come on, louder" "Come on Come on" " ADAM:" "Go, Violator!" " I'm gonna throw up." "ADAM:" "Snap out of it!" "Out the tub!" "Out the tub!" "I'm good." "I'm good." "I'm good." "I am a rock hard trooper To the bone, the bone, the bone" "Full grown Consider me stone" "Once again and I say it for you to know" "The troop is always ready I yell "Geronimo"" "Your CIA, you see I ain't kiddin'" "Both King and X They got rid of both" "(LAUGHING)" "And not the braggin' or boasting'and plus" "It ain't no secret why they're tapping'my phone" "Although I can't keep it a secret" "So I decided to kick it, yo" "And yes it weighs a ton" "I say it once again" "Tappin'my phone They never leave me alone" "(YELLING)" "'Cause I'm louder than a bomb" "Hey, little buddy." "(ADAM SHUSHING)" "Dude." "Where did the squirrel go?" "LOU:" "Yeah." "Yeah!" "JACOB:" "This is the black diamond?" "NICK:" "Shit." "LOU:" "Terrifying." "JACOB:" "That's all you got?" "NICK:" "I don't remember this." "ADAM:" "What do you think, boys?" "LOU:" "Tips down." "Tips fucking down, right away." "Let's ride." "(ALL EX CLAIMING)" "I feel 19 again!" "What is that?" "Stop it, Lou." "(IN MOCKING TONE) Stop it, Lou!" "Whoo!" "NICK:" "Coming through!" "You goddamn kids!" " Slow down!" " Hey!" "Yard sale, bitches!" "(ALL GRUNTING)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "(ALL GROANING)" "NICK:" "Fuck!" " We dead." " Are you guys alive?" "Holy fuck." "By all counts we should be pretty fucked up right now, but I..." "I kind of feel great." "I feel crazy right now." "I feel fantastic!" "I wanna fuck something!" "(ECHOING)" " There they are." " I see it, Chaz." "Thanks." "(ALL WHOOPING)" "What is that one plank thing that guy's got?" "I don't care." "It's going up his ass." "NICK:" "Way to go, rookie!" "Wow!" "Nice." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa..." "Those are the kind of ski shenanigans I don't allow on my mountain." "CHAZ:" "Yeah." "Come on, guys." "What are you looking at, Nancy?" "No." "I mean..." "JACOB:" "Hey, look, it's the douche bag from Karate Kid III." "(MUTTERS) I know that guy." "JACOB:" "Hey, guys." "Is there some kind of weird retro thing going on this weekend?" "Can't get any bars." "Morty!" "Yeah, it's Chuck." "You're never gonna believe where I'm calling you from, man." "I'm on a mountain on my phone!" "Yeah." "Yeah, well, a bet's a bet." "I want my $2." "NICK:" "I'm telling you, something weird is going on." "DAVID BOWIE: (ON TV) Demand your MTV." "I want my MTV." "(THE SAFETYDANCEPLAYING)" "S" " A-F-E-T-Y" "Safe, dance!" "I love your hair." "I have a question." "...can still tell me that's true." "But the facts and the evidence tell me it is... (VOICES DISTORTING)" "Dude is rocking a cassette player." "Just relax." "I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation" " for all this shit." " Don't fucking tell me to relax." "I said relax for a minute." "Leg warmers?" "Jheri curl?" ""Where's the beef?"" "Excuse me, miss, what color is Michael Jackson?" "Black." "(SCREAMING)" "JACOB:" "Hold on!" "Sorry." "Excuse me." "Sorry." "Nick, come on, man!" "Nick!" "Nick!" "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "NICK:" "Who the fuck is that?" "That's probably Ashton Kolchak right now telling us we've been punked or whatever." " Okay." " Come on." "Come on." "Hey." "Hey, guys." "I've got your luggage." "He's got both arms." "Get him!" "(ALL YELLING)" " What?" " JACOB:" "Check his arm." " Are you raping?" " Wait!" "Hold on!" "Are we raping him?" "Nobody's raping anybody!" "Where's your missing arm, motherfucker?" "Hey!" "God!" "That's my arm!" " NICK:" "It's fake!" " It's real!" "It's got freckles on it and shit!" "Do I really got to be the asshole that says we got in this thing and went back in time?" "It must be some kind of hot tub time machine." "ADAM:" "Wow, my old stuff." "NICK:" "Look at this shit, man." " You have a bong?" " I did." ""Eddie Lives." This shirt got me so much fucking pussy." "NICK:" "You wanna see what got a lot of pussy?" "JACOB:" "What's the tape recorder for?" " ADAM:" "Recording tape." " I gotta take a piss." " NICK:" "This jacket right here, baby." " Holy fuck!" "JACOB:" "What are you, Hunter S. Thompson?" "ADAM:" "I thought I was." "JACOB:" "Is that coke?" "NICK:" "What the fuck you think it is?" "Baby powder?" "JACOB:" "Wait." "How is this happening?" "Can we talk about this for a minute?" "Holy fuck!" "Winterfest '86." "We were here, man." " Guys." " ADAM:" "We are here." " What if we run into ourselves?" " Guys!" "We see ourselves and we blow up and explode or some shit." "LOU:" "Get in here!" "Didn't you all fucking see Timecop?" "God damn it!" "Get the fuck in here right now!" "Nobody wants to see your giant shit, Lou." "ADAM:" "What, man?" "Yeah, we're not gonna run into ourselves." "We are ourselves." "Why are we in our young bodies and you in your regular body?" " I don't know." " Shouldn't you be invisible?" "Or swimming around some guy's ball sack?" "I know." "Because you guys exist here and I don't." "Hey, why are you flickering?" " What?" " What?" "What?" "Who flickered?" " He did." " He's flickering." "I need you to touch my arm or something to see if I'm still real, okay?" "Just see if you can put your hand through me." "(EX CLAIMS)" "Okay." "That's good." "I'm physically still here." "That's good, I think." "You look like Kid 'N Play." "That's actually two people." "ADAM:" "I knew this trip was a bad idea." "Every time I hang out with you, man, it's some kind of shit storm." "I got guilted into coming on this trip and now I'm back in the fucking '80s." "And I hate this decade!" "Maybe it's your fucking fault!" "You're a fucking insurance salesman, you're practically the devil." "Guys!" "This is scientifically possible." "Oh, my God." "Okay, Professor Hawking, tell me in your robot voice how this is scientifically possible." "All right, I write Stargate fan fiction, so I think I know what I'm talking about right now." "I seriously almost passed out, you're such a dork." "Okay." "The tub is obviously some kind of energy vortex, right?" "Like a black hole." "But, instead of being in space, it's in a hot tub." "Time is not linear, we just perceive it that way!" " What?" " (YELLS) Like The Terminator!" "It's cyclical, right?" "The machines send Schwarzenegger back to kill Sarah Connor so that John Connor could never be born." "But if John Connor don't send Michael Biehn back to protect her, then they never fuck, and John Connor ain't born in the first place!" " It checks out." " Yeah, that's pretty good." "Wait, wait, check the fucking drawer." "See if the carving's there." "Check the fucking drawer." "ADAM:" "Fuck!" "It's gone." "(SIGHING)" "This shit is real." "The carving you made 20 years ago, about me sucking cocks and dicks," " it's not there." " Wait." "Is "cocks" still there?" " Nothing." "I mean, it's not there." " What about "dicks"?" "Neither "cocks," nor "dicks," nor "sucks."" "Oh, God!" "NICK:" "That's it." "We stuck in the fucking '80s!" "How am I supposed to get a job?" "I'm so scared." "(EX CLAIMS)" "REPAIRMAN:" "Looks like you burned out your..." "Heck, you fried your timing crossover." "Would you mind putting that down, sir, that coal shovel, before somebody gets hurt?" "Did somebody call you?" "Excuse me one minute." "(FARTS)" "Who ever calls us?" "(LAUGHING)" "And who answers when the call comes from within?" "Huh?" "I thought maybe I could pull the part from one of the other tubs." "But it turns out this is a very special model that you have here." "You've got to be very careful, I tell you." "One little thing is changed, the whole system can go haywire." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "The whole system can go haywire if you change one little thing." "Wait a minute." "We need that to get back in time?" "Well, you're back here." "I mean, I can tell you've all been to Kodiak Valley before." " I haven't." " Maybe not her, but I know that you were here." "You know what's going on here, don't you, old man?" "Yes, I do." "Your tub is on the fritz." "It'd behoove you to fix it." "(HOT TUB STARTING UP)" "What?" "NICK:" "It's working." " Damn." "I think it's still broke." " ADAM:" "Shit." "JACOB:" "Where'd he go?" "That motherfucker's in on it, man." "What was all that cryptic shit he was saying about not changing one little thing?" "I know exactly what he meant." "He was talking about the butterfly effect." "That was a great fucking movie." "One little change has a ripple effect and it affects everything else." "Like, a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes, or there's a tsunami in, like, somewhere." "Dude, yes, exactly." "Or you step on a bug and the fucking Internet's never invented." "Then you have to talk to girls with your mouth." "Yeah." "I was more concerned about bigger consequences, like me not being born." "Oh, yeah." "No, I don't care about that." "The point is, what did we do 20 years ago?" "Let's figure it out right now." "We gotta do the exact same thing." " I had that gig." " That's right." "You got up on stage and you were wildly mediocre." "And that led to nothing of a career." "Okay, first of all, fuck you, motherfucker!" "I could have had a career, but I got married and I went a different way." "Which way is that?" "The way that sucked?" "Didn't you also bang that groupie?" " What was her name?" " Tara." "You banged her." "You got to go do that again." "I did do that." "But, fuck, no, I'm married!" "I can't go around banging girls in hot tubs." "Nick, it's 1986." "You can't cheat on someone you don't know yet." "You haven't even met Courtney." "Lucifer, itinerary please." "Uh..." "Nothing really happened." "I actually fucked a chick, too." "So I'll just do that." "I seem to remember you getting your ass whooped." "(LAUGHING)" "ADAM:" "Oh, yeah." "NICK:" "That's right." "That ski patrol dude pummeled you like it was his job." " Yeah, no." "I don't remember it that way." " I do." "Yeah." "He fucked you up." "You cried and peed." "Fuck this, man!" "This is fucking bullshit!" "Would you just think of somebody other than yourself, man?" " There's four of us." " It's the fucking '80s, guys!" "Let's do what we wanna do." "Free love!" "JACOB:" "That's the '60s, dipshit." "No, we had, like, Reagan and AIDS." "Let's get the fuck out of here, okay?" "Do the right thing, Violator." "God damn it!" "This is fucking bullshit!" "Tonight's the night you broke up with Jenny Stedmeyer." " Shit." " LOU:" "Yeah, you got stabbed in the fucking eyeball tonight!" "Hey, man, do you want backup?" "I can't, the butterflies won't let me." " JENNY:" "Yo, Adam?" "You guys in there?" " (KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "ADAM:" "Oh, shit." "There you are." "Hey!" "How come you guys didn't meet us at the chair lift this morning?" "You were going to show me some moves." "Hi, baby." "I missed you." "I must have forgot." "Perv." "That's from Mandy." " Hey, new guy." "What's up?" " Hey." "So we're in 214." "I'm gonna go get ready." " Okay." " Meet me in my room, okay?" " Okay." " Okay." "Love the PJs, Nick." "You look hot." "Poison's tonight." "Wow!" "I don't remember her being that fucking beautiful." "And tight." "She's so tight." "She's really fucking tight!" "She's the great white buffalo, man." " Great white buffalo." " Great white buffalo." "Don't start that." " Great white buffalo." " Great white buffalo." "Why did I ever break up with her?" "Why would I break up with her?" "Doesn't matter." "Doesn't matter." "'Cause you have to do it again." "Right?" "Right, right, right." "JACOB:" "All right." "We're all gonna meet back here." "Hopefully that hot tub's fixed and we can get the fuck out of here." "Okay, let's party like it's 1986." "All right." "On three?" " One, two, three..." " One, two, three..." " Hot tub time machine!" " Wait..." "What are we..." "What's the..." "Who said, "Hot tub time machine?"" "We didn't tell you about the new thing, with our hands?" " No." " On three, we always..." "From now on, we're gonna say, "Hot tub time machine."" "I told you, I think that's fucking stupid." "You were in the bathroom." "No, but this is a real bonding event for us." "This doesn't happen all the time." " Come on." " I'm telling you, it's stupid." " Do it once." " Do what you want to do." "It would have been 3-to-1 anyway." "ALL:" "One, two, three hot tub time machine!" "It felt good." "Admit it." "(POP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey!" "Let's get this party started!" "Who is carrying me home tonight?" "Mom?" " Sweet fucking Lord." " Kelly." " Hey, bro, Nicholas." " Hey, girl." " Who's the geek?" " He's your son." "(LAUGHING)" "That's not appropriate." "JACOB:" "I'm sun..." "Sunshine." "Sunshine." "'Cause I'm here to brighten your day." "That's Jacob." "Your..." "He's totally cool." " He doesn't look cool." " LOU:" "He's not that cool." "Hey, Kelly." "Lou Dorchen." "Yeah..." " You don't remember this?" " I don't remember everything." "What the fuck, man?" "This is freaking me the fuck out." "You freak out every time you leave the basement." "All right, kiddies, get your snow boots on because tonight there is gonna be a blizzard." "Really?" "It looked pretty clear out." "Anybody wanna go for a little sleigh ride?" "You can't do cocaine!" "It's so unhealthy for you." " Kelly, in public?" " Whatever." "I'm gonna go to a party at the ski patrol house," "I'm gonna find a sexy instructor and I'm gonna wax his fucking pole." "Later, homos." "Don't drink my fucking drink." "Ugh!" "Hey, Adam?" "What she means is that she works at the ski rental place, right?" "And that's her job, is cleaning the poles." "I could be off, but I think it's in reference to blowing a dude." "Thank you, Nick." "But that's..." "You don't need to..." "Or fucking a dude." "Because the wax, it can be interpreted either way." "She was a free spirit, you know?" "Or maybe she's the pole and there's two dudes that she's waxing." "Let's just get it done, man." "Come on." " JACOB:" "Hey, Lou." " What?" "Did my mom, like, sleep with a bunch of dudes?" "I don't know." "Shut up." "JACOB:" "But she seems kind of slutty, right?" "Does she seem that way to you?" "It's just, she never told me who my dad is." "It could be any one of these guys." "'Cause I was born, like, nine months from now." "Yeah?" "So what does that mean?" "It means do the math, dipshit." "I could have been conceived this weekend." "Oh, shit." "Check this out." "That's that fucking bellhop." "I hate that guy." "JACOB:" "This must be where he loses the arm!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" " Shit!" " PHIL:" "Thank you!" "JACOB:" "I think we should tell him." "This is gruesome." "Don't you dare fucking tell him." "You'll screw the time thing up." "(YELLING)" "(CROWD GASPING)" "(SAW WHIRRING)" "Yeah!" "(ALL CHEERING)" " Yes!" " What the fuck?" "Yeah!" " Boo!" "We just got fucking robbed." " What are you talking about?" " He's great, man." " LOU:" "Come on!" "ADAM: (WHISPERS) Jenny." " Jenny?" " JENNY:" "I'm in the bathroom." "Come in." "What do you think?" "Oh, my God." "What?" "Do I look fat?" "No." "You look really beautiful." "(SIGHING)" "Aw!" "Thank you." "How about me, do I look different?" "Do I look kind of older?" "No." "You look cute, though." "God, I can't stop thinking about last night." "It was like frigging hot." "It was?" "What did we do?" "I don't remember." "You lasted, like, 10 minutes." "(CHUCKLES) Oh!" "Good, good." "And I was good." "I think I came." "I think." "I can't even tell you what it was like." "I got some vague recollection of that." "Wanna maybe just sit and talk for a minute?" ""Talk."" "Well, I mean, you know, it's just so good to see you again." "It's not you." "It's me." "(EX CLAIMS)" "Lamp." "You know what, I think we should go to Poison now." "You're weird today." "I know." "You are funny." " Let me just get dressed." " Okay." "Wow!" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "NICK:" "Oh, man!" "This is trippy." "What's up?" "Man, I can't even remember the last time I saw you guys." "Yesterday." "Oh, yeah." "Yesterday." "Yep." "It's not cheating." "It's not cheating." "It's 1986." "You don't even know Courtney yet." "You know, it's okay if you're scared, Lou." "I'm not scared, idiot." "I'm fucking pissed." "I have a full head of hair and a functioning penis, and I'm looking for some guy to drill me in the fucking jaw." "(SIGHS) We're not gonna find him here, anyway." "I don't even remember what he looks like." " Walk much, faggot?" " Sorry." "What?" "No, don't touch me." "Fuck your "sorry."" "You scuffed up my Jordans." "You wanna go for it?" "Come on, take a shot, pussy." "Wanna party?" "(ECHOING) Wanna be a hero?" "And here it comes." "Yeah, you gonna cry?" "You gonna cry, titty baby?" "You gonna fucking cry?" "Look at him he's crying." "Your fucking bag is mine now." "JACOB:" "Is that it?" "No." "No, I yell back at him and I challenge him to a rematch at midnight saying," ""You bring your friends and I'll bring mine."" "And my friends don't fucking show up." "So I get pummeled by six guys instead of one." "All right, fantastic." "Let's do this." "Lou, come on." "You have to." "Hey, Blaine." "Is that all you got?" "Pussy." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "NICK:" "Oh, God." "Yeah." "TARA:" "I'll never go back." "I'll never go back." "(SOBBING)" "Are you crying?" "No." "It's the water splashing my face from all the fucking." "Okay, good." "Because I thought you were crying, and I was like..." "Yeah!" "I'm sorry, Courtney." " It's Tara." " Courtney!" " Tara." "Tara." " Courtney!" "Courtney!" "No, seriously, my name is Tara." "No, my wife, my wife." "You're married?" "No, I'm not married." "Not now, anyway." "I will be." "She's nine right now." "Can I tell you something that I haven't told anybody?" "She cheated on me." "I found a e-mail." "And now every time I look at her, all I can see is her getting rammed by some faceless dude with a better body and a bigger dick." "Truth of it is, I can't even bring myself to say anything because I just love her so fucking much." "I don't even know if I can live without her cheating ass." "Hey, what's an e-mail?" "That's not the point!" "JACOB:" "Seems like you might've took one defensive swing against him." "I mean, honestly, what the fuck, man?" "That was..." "I don't know how you've lived with yourself all these years." "It was pathetic." "It was pathetic." "You couldn't have kicked him from the ground?" "What happened?" "Uh..." "This is a crazy story." "I got hit by a truck." "Yeah, yeah." "Trying to save a baby deer, if you can believe that." "Oh, my God!" "Is there anything that I can do?" "Are you okay?" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "Oh, my God." "No, I'm fine." "This is nothing." "You know what?" "Come with me." "I'm gonna take care of you." "And bring your friend." "No, we can't." " We'd love to, but we can't." " We can, we can." "We should probably go check on that deer, actually." "LOU:" "No, we can go." "We can go." "(TALKDIRTY TO MEPLAYING) (PEOPLE CHEERING)" "(SINGING) I know you cannot wait" "Wait to see me, too" "Oh, my God!" "This is like the best song ever!" "Maybe not ever." "(WHOOPING)" "At the drive-in" "God, he's so hot!" "In the old man's Ford" "Behind the bushes" "Can I get 3,000 beers?" "Until I'm screaming for more" "Down the basement" "MAN:" "Who's next?" "Who's next for the beer luge?" "This guy!" "This guy's next!" "He wants it so bad." " MAN:" "You can do it, man." " He wants it." "(ALL CLAMORING)" "CROWD: (CHANTING) Luge!" "Luge!" "Luge!" "(CROWD CHEERS)" "That was so lame." "That wasn't, like, even violent a little bit." "Who are you, and why did you do that to me?" "Why?" "Because you looked like you needed a luge." " I'm Adam." " I'm April." " How are you doing?" " All right." "What brings you here?" "Hot tub." "Huh." " You?" " Poison." " Right." " That band." "Poison." "I'm a journalist." "I'm covering the band for Spin magazine." "You don't really look like you're the type." "The Poison type?" "God, no." "I'm not." "I'm really not." "I basically just got onto this bus and it took me here, to goddamn Winterfest." "JENNY:" "Adam!" "Whoo!" " You know what?" "I can't talk to you." " You can't?" "But I'm awesome." "I can guarantee that." "I'm sure." "You see, I have to walk in the exact same footsteps." "This didn't happen." " Well, it kind of happened." " I wish it did." " I just saw it happen." " It really didn't." "Yeah." "No, I contributed." " I wish it did." " All right." "See you." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "I brought you some ice." "It'll make you feel better." "Let's see that." " Feel better?" " That ice does make me feel better." "(JACOB CLEARING THROAT)" "(COUGHS) Butterflies." "Hey, you know what?" "I just remembered I gotta meet a guy." "No, no." "Wait." "(LAUGHING)" "No, you can't go." "'Cause guess what?" "What?" "I only do two at a time." " What do you mean?" " What do I mean?" "There those are." "LOU:" "Yeah, let's do this." "Him first?" "Okay." "It's your thing." "I don't wanna tell you what to do." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hold on, I gotta get the phone." "Hello?" "Mom?" " LOU:" "What?" " I wanna know what the doctor said." "Lou?" "Lou, we can't do this." "Yes, we can." "No, this didn't happen." " We can't do this." " Yes, we can." " This didn't happen in the past." " Yes, it did." "Shut up." "This did not fucking happen in the past." "You shut the fuck up, please." "We're gonna make, like, Hitler president or something." "We can't do this." "Look, can you be fucking normal?" "Please?" "Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way." " Not with another fucking guy." " It's still a three-way." "What about the policy of the butterfly effect?" "The butterfly effect can suck my nuts!" "Look, we're gonna have sex with this girl, okay?" "You, me, together." "Enough of this queer shit." "Let's get the mood right." "(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TAPE)" " All right." "Look, right there." " What?" "You don't wanna seem overzealous with a full-on rager." "You don't want to insult the woman, either." "You're gonna wanna get at least a half-a-chub going, right?" " Look at me." " No." " Look at that." " No." " Look at how, like, perfect that is." " I'm not gonna fucking look." " Look, look." "Here." " What the fuck, man?" " I'm out of here." " Come on, Jake," " I was just getting you started." " Don't care!" "Guys do that." " No one does that!" " (DOOR SLAMS)" "Hey." "Onesies?" "Sorry." "Okay, cool." "I'm out of here." "(EX CLAIMING)" "Hey." "How did it go with Jenny?" "(JENNY WHOOPING)" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Whoo!" "Why aren't you dancing?" " Whoa!" "What's your name?" " That's Jacob." "That's Jenny." "What the fuck are you doing?" " You're supposed to break up with her!" " I know." "No, no, no." "Just check it out, okay?" "Maybe she's the key to something." "And I messed it up when I broke up with her before, and now the universe is giving me another crack at it." "And if you thought you could really start over and do something totally different, you wouldn't even consider it?" "You're absolutely right." " You think so?" "Really?" " No." "Fuck, no!" "Come on!" "What do you mean, you didn't do it?" "I'm getting to it." "No, we were supposed to do everything that we did." " That's what I remember." " Yeah, Adam, what the fuck, man?" "You were supposed to fucking dump her." "You think I liked getting my ass fucked up and down the entire street?" " Because I didn't." " It's not that I'm not gonna do it," "I just haven't done it yet." "There's a big difference." "Look at my face, dude." "Look at my fucking face!" "Drink me in." "You think I wouldn't have liked to have changed this?" "JACOB:" "Shut the fuck up, Lou." "You tried to rope me into a three-way." " What?" " Did you?" " No." " Yes." "Lou!" "Did you?" "I didn't fuck that girl." "Okay?" "Because I'm committed to not changing the past." "Right." "It had nothing to do with her wanting to be a Chinese finger trap." "And I'm not saying that because she was Asian." "So you're telling me I cheated on my wife for no reason." "(IMITATING BABY CRYING)" "ADAM:" "Just relax, okay?" "I'm gonna do it." "I just haven't done it yet!" "You're unbelievable." " Hey, Nick, can I ask you a question?" " Yes." "Does this seem like it's all about Adam again?" "Yeah, just like Cincinnati." " What?" " You gonna bring that up?" "We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinnati ever, okay?" "Is this why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinnati"?" " Yeah." " What?" "That's fucking admissible!" "You keep it in the closet?" "What was I supposed to do with it?" "You can't bury those things." "And you wrote "Cincinnati" on it?" "How do I know which one it's supposed to be?" " Is it a fetus?" " My friends are ridiculous." "Why are we still talking about this?" "Okay, we said we would never talk about that." "By the way, where does it say in the fucking friendship handbook that you are the only one who is allowed any fucking problems?" "I forgot that it says in the asshole handbook that you can just fuck over your friends whenever you want!" "Actually, it would say that in the asshole handbook if it was, like, guidelines for being an asshole," " that's what it would say." " NICK:" "Why wouldn't it say that" " in the asshole handbook?" " Yeah, it would say" " to fuck your friends." " "Fuck over your friends."" " No, no, no." " JACOB:" "Have you ever read a book?" "You're right." "I'm sorry, my bad." "You guys are right." "But if you're changing the fucking past, okay, then I'm changing the fucking past, all right?" "JACOB:" "No!" "Lou!" "Okay!" "We're in the game!" "I like this." "I didn't change anything yet, I just didn't do it." "And if we're changing shit, you better be there at midnight to get my fucking back." " Done." " ADAM:" "I'll be there." "JACOB:" "Guys!" "Guys!" "Come on, man." "Talk to me about this!" "LOU:" "Fuck off." "JACOB:" "Fuck!" " I'll be back in a minute." " Where are you going?" " I gotta go." "I'm getting out of here." " No, no, Adam, listen to me, please." "Jenny Stedmeyer is not your fucking destiny, okay?" "She's just some girl." "Some girl you dated in high school, okay?" "I know!" "I just got some emotions coming up." "I got some feelings that I got to deal with." "I'm gonna do it." "I believe in you." "You're awesome." "You know what?" "That's fine." "Everybody just take off!" "I don't need to be born." "I'll just go find the repairman myself and fix the time machine." "That's the dumbest thing I've said in a while." "(BUZZING)" "You made the best decision of your life, choosing me as your friend over Adam." "NICK:" "I'm pretty sure that's not what's going on here." "LOU:" "Don't be afraid." "I'm gonna treat you right." " Daddy's gonna take care of you." " PHIL:" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Here we go." "It's like a slow-motion guillotine." "(PHIL GRUNTING)" " (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" " What the F-ing fuck?" "(EXHALES)" "LOU:" "Here we go." "Here we go." "Round two." "(GRUNTING)" " Should we help him?" " No." "No." "This is his destiny." "(BOTH YELLING)" "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" "Fuck you!" " Did it happen?" " No." "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "If that guy doesn't lose his arm soon, I'm gonna fucking take it from him myself." "Man!" "Blaine!" "Come on down, man." "Have a brewski with us." "There's a party." "BLAINE: "No foreign army has ever occupied American soil." ""Until now."" "Watching Red Dawn again, or..." "Wolverines!" "They're Ruskies." "And these are their secret Commie weapons." "What are you talking about?" "Look at this stuff, man." "They could be spies or something." "I don't know, Blaine." "I mean, they seem a little young to be spies, you know." "Come on, Chaz." "They could be some kind of 21 Jump Street spy battalion-type dudes." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Or not at all, you know?" "There's also that." "What the fuck is this?" "ADAM:" "There's something I wanna talk to you about." "It's something I'm supposed to do but I don't wanna do." " You know why?" " Okay, Adam." "But..." "Because I was thinking about how good we are together, right?" " Don't you think?" "I really think so." " Okay." "And I was talking about the future and I was thinking about, well, my future is this way and maybe it could be this way." "I know I'm rambling now." "God, you're so beautiful." "But we got along so great and..." "What is that?" "It's a note I wrote to you." "You should read it." " Right now?" "Okay." " Yeah." ""Dear Adam, you're a super-terrific guy and I love you." "Aw!" ""And that's why this is so hard for me." ""You're one of the most amazing people that I've ever met." "I can't..."" "Are you breaking up with me?" "That's what this..." "This is a break-up note?" "I'm sorry, Adam." "All these years!" "You stabbed me in the eye with a fucking fork and you were gonna break up with me anyway?" " Is that what you're saying to me?" " I did what?" "Why are you breaking up with me?" "That's not how this works." "You're such a great guy and you're gonna find the right girl, but it's not me." "And everybody knows what a big deal you're gonna be some day." "No, I'm not." "I'm not." "I'm not anybody." "Adam, okay." "It's not you, it's me." "I say that to you." "You don't say that to me." "That's not how this works." "Do you know what happens to you if we don't go back?" " You end up with Billy Lavatino." " I like him." "You may like him, but then you end up pregnant with, like, trucker hips, and you have a baby with Billy Lavatino, and you're addicted to Weight Watchers, you little bitch." " What did you just call me?" " Take this fucking back!" "Don't you..." "Jesus!" "(CROWD GASPING)" "(GROANING)" "I don't get fat!" "MAN:" "Gross!" "If we're changing shit, we gotta be taking advantage of shit." " NICK:" "No." " Mulligan." " No mulligan." " Come on!" " You had, like, five mulligans." " Dude." "I'm not talking about bad stuff, either, okay?" "I'm just talking about good stuff." "Like keeping Manimal on the air, you know?" "Or preventing Miley Cyrus." "Preventing her from what?" "Just preventing her." "MALE ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) And there's the catch!" "First down!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Oh, shit!" " I know this game." " Yeah?" "Yeah." "This is the Denver-Cleveland playoff game." " This is the fucking Drive, man." " Yeah?" "I know what we're gonna do." "(I JUSTDIED IN YOURARMS PLAYING)" "Adam, hey." "You're back." "Awesome." "What's going on here?" "Where are the guys?" " What's this?" " Read it." ""Dear Adam, you are a super-terrific guy and I love you," ""which is why this is so hard for me." "I cherish our friendship."" "(LAUGHS)" "She broke up with you?" "And you still fucking got stabbed in the eye?" "Leave me alone." "Get out of here." "What are you doing here?" "You writing poetry?" "Just leave me alone and get out of here." "No." "You're writing fucking break-up poetry." "All right, I'm writing break-up poetry, okay?" "Because my heart hurts." " She stabbed me in my heart and my eye." " Holy shit, you're wasted." "Look, I've had like two wine kills, Captain Buzzcooler." " God." " You're fucked up." ""Jenny's eyes, like a gypsy's lies Cut right through the night" ""Now those eyes are another guy's And I'm alone with my pain"" "That was clean." "Are you shitting me with this, Adam?" "Look, you can recite it straight or to the tune of Sweet Child O'Mine." "It doesn't matter." "Are these mushrooms?" "Did you eat these mushrooms, Adam?" "I like to eat them, you know?" "A couple of them." "Holy fuck, man, you gotta stay straight!" " You gotta help me get the guys back!" " Just relax." "You know, it's not always about my emotional journey." " It could be about yours." " Put the coke down!" " God damn it, you little fucker!" " Give it to me!" "Don't you fucking get it?" "I'm not gonna be fucking born!" "(EXPLOSION)" "How much worse can it get?" "What?" "The '80s?" "New part shorted out another part." "I hope we can get that thing working before dawn." "Wait, wait, hold on, is that when the time portal closes, at dawn?" "That's when the party's over." "Fuck you, man." "Listen." "I am at my wit's end with him, so you gotta level with me." "Are you the mystical time-travel guide-guy or not?" "Don't you put your hands on me, young lady!" "I'm just trying to do my job, here." "Fuck, hold on." "Quit eating mushrooms, man!" "I wanna have a few more." "What the fuck is happening to me?" "I can't..." "Dawn." "(THUNDER CRASHING)" "Hey, Adam." "All right, so anyway, the repairman's doing his thing." "I'm gonna go find Nick and Lou, and you stay right here." "Okay?" " I'm gonna stay." " You got it, but you can't leave." "I can't move, because I'm broken." "Man, you and my mom are so fucked." "(INHALES DEEPLY)" "Hungry." " Evening." " ADAM:" "You've got two arms." "But you're not going to." "You're gonna lose one." " What?" " You're gonna lose that arm." "(LAUGHING) You're one of those joker guys." "Right." "Right." "I don't care if you put that arm in a steel fucking vault, that arm's coming off!" " You're gonna lose your arm." " You're gonna lose your arm!" " I'm gonna rape you." "I'm gonna rape you!" " I'm gonna rape you." "I'm gonna rape you." " Have a great night." " Okay." "MALE ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) ... to the end zone." "Touchdown Cleveland!" "(ALL EX CLAIMING)" "LOU:" "Pay up, suckers!" "Pay up!" "How does he do it?" "How is he right all the time?" "Let me ask you something, McFly." "How you getting so lucky?" "I know the fucking future, douche bag." "Really?" "One more bet." "Ricky, come on." "You said one more and then you'd be done." "I also said to shut the fuck up." "Remember that?" "Okay, I love you." "Shut the fuck up." "By the way, I love your coat." "I don't give a shit about animals, either, so..." "One more bet." "High stakes." "All right." "All right." "Bring it on, Spader." "Bring it on, Jo-Jo." "I bet Elway throws a touchdown pass with 37 seconds left on the clock." "Fat chance, asshole." "Elway's done nothing all day." "Well then, in the spirit of high stakes, let's make it interesting." "Let's make it interesting." "If I win, your wife gives me a blowjob." " RICKY:" "Really?" " A classy one." " Hey, screw you, kid." " Hey, okay, and if you win, name your price." "Touchdown pass at 37 seconds, exactly?" "LOU:" "Exactly." "Fine." "You lose, I take all your winnings." " Done." " And you give your buddy a blowjob." "What?" "Hell, no." "Wow!" " Deal." " Deal?" " Well done." "I like your style." " I like your style." "He's very creative." "I don't like you taking liberties with my dick." "Relax, okay?" "We know the fucking future." "We can't lose." "Hey." "Hey, there." "What are you doing?" " Hi." " Hey." "Okay, how's the view from down there?" "(SIGHS)" "It's nice." "Adam, right?" "Yeah." " Why are you bleeding in the snow?" " That?" "No, I..." "I got stabbed in the face with a fork." "I saw it coming and I avoided it." "I mean, I didn't avoid it." "It just happened again to me in a slightly different way." "Boy, I really wish I knew what the fuck you were talking about." "All the choices we make in our life, they're pointless." "There's no escaping the inevitable." "I don't know, man." "So, you're saying that your whole entire life is predetermined to suck, no matter what you do?" "It's not the way I want it, but..." "Kind of seems like a really, really good excuse to do something totally amazing right now, tonight." "Like what?" "Like perhaps hang out with a girl that you just met before her bus has to leave in two hours?" "Right-o." "I thought you said we were going to get some food." "We are." "We're about to get some food." "ADAM:" "I'm pretty hungry, actually." "Damn it." "They forgot to leave the key." "Who did?" "Carol and Stan Stapleton." "They're my friends." "They live here, and I housesit for them when they go to Nepal, sometimes." "I thought you said you came in here on a bus." "They usually do leave, like, a side door open." " They do?" " So let me..." "I'll be right back." "Okay." "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "APRIL:" "Yep, it's unlocked." "Cheers." "So which one's Carol?" "Carol's on the left." "MALE ANNOUNCER:" "Elway's last stand." "45 seconds left on the clock." "I'm really good at getting head." "You'll see." " Elway takes the snap." " Go, baby." "He fades back." "Elway fires." "He's got Jackson open." "He's impossibly open!" "Wait, what's this?" "Vermin?" "No, no, no!" "I know this squirrel." "That's a magic fucking squirrel." "This doesn't count." " He's distracted by a wild squirrel!" " LOU:" "What the fuck?" "Incomplete!" "Game's over!" "Cleveland wins!" "The Dawg Pound is going to the Super Bowl." "Oh, yeah!" "I've never seen anything like it!" " He did it." "Got to go!" " Congratulations." "Look at all that money." "I was kidding about the blowjob thing." "Obviously, we're comedians." "Hey, guys." "Guys." "A bet's a bet." "Motherfucker!" "APRIL:" "So you're a Time Lord?" "ADAM:" "Mmm-hmm." "And a Jacuzzi is your spaceship?" "That is correct, madam." "That's the only part of this whole thing that doesn't make sense to me." "You're not the only one." "Believe me." "I mean, the whole thing is just totally insane." "Ew!" "So, how's the future working out for you?" "I mean, are you like a happy grownup?" " Not particularly, no." " Yeah." "My friends actually think I ended up being a completely selfish, fucked-up person." "And they may have a point, actually, if I think about it." "Hmm..." "I'll tell you something I haven't told somebody for a long time." "When I was a kid, every Friday night, my father used to take my sister Kelly and me to this place called Flatirons for steak sandwiches." "It was a family tradition." "That's sometimes a good thing." "But one year, we saw this commercial for this place called The Enchanted Forest of Pizza." "So the next Friday, my dad's loading us up into the car." "We're like, "Daddy, we want to go to The Enchanted Forest of Pizza."" "And he's like, "What are you talking about?" ""We always go for steak sandwiches."" "But we just stay at him and we're whining, and we're badgering, and finally he relents." "Nice." "So, you win." "You deviated from the plan in a really big way." "That's good." "33 people died of E. coli." "Including my father." "Before he died, he looked at me and he said," ""Adam, you did this."" "No, he didn't." "Yes, he did, with his eyes." "I don't think that that's what he meant with his eyes." "The point is that Kelly and I dealt with the guilt of this in very different ways." "She went wild, right?" "She didn't want to have control over anything." "But I vowed to master the chaos," " to impose order." " Adam, I really don't think that you can let a poison pizza ruin the rest of your life." "You got to embrace the chaos." "You have to." "That way, life might just astonish you." "MAN 1:" "I had so much fun tonight." "MAN 2:" "I know!" "Fuck!" "Game on." "MAN 2:" "You look so hot, by the way." "MAN 1:" "Thanks." "I said, start sucking, gaylord." " Yeah!" "Suck!" " MAN:" "Suck that shit, man!" "ALL: (CHANTING) Suck!" "Suck!" "Suck!" "LOU:" "Who are you people?" "God, who are you people?" "Let's get on with this." "My fondue's getting cold." "MAN:" "Choke on that horn, man!" "(GROANING)" "Oh!" "Wow, good for you." "I know, right?" "It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm." "It's so black!" "It's so impossibly black." " I love you, buddy." " Don't say that!" "I'm sorry, I do." "No, no, no!" "(CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING)" "Hey, you." "Maybe what you need isn't in here, after all." "Maybe what you need has always been in here." " Really?" " No." "The tub?" "Is it fixed yet?" "Can be." "Ready to go?" "Wait, go where?" "To the room, check it out." "I've got the part right here." "Yeah." "Yeah, let's go." " Let's go." " Right." " Where did he go?" " Who?" "This fucking guy." "LOU:" "Nicholas." "Nicky." "Nicholas." "Hey!" "There he is!" " What?" " What the fuck?" "What?" "What?" "(SCREAMING)" "What, do I still have some on my face?" "Oh, God!" "Damn!" "Did you have pineapple today?" "I can't go home." "What the fuck?" "I'm fucking with you, dude." "It's hand soap." "Oh, my God." "Relax." "It's like you haven't seen a little come on your friend's face before, or something." "NICK:" "What the fuck is wrong with you, man?" "LOU:" "I'm just kidding." "It's what friends do." "God!" "You didn't?" "Gargle your hog?" "No, man." "After they pulled you off of me, me and Rick talked it out." "He's actually a pretty cool guy." "We have a lot in common." "We both love tits and Mötley Crüe." "It's cool?" "Yeah, I just told him a bunch of shit that's gonna make him rich in the future." "I saved the good stuff for us." "Let's go to the bar, plan our empire." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "Fucking iPods, you know?" "Fucking Prius." "Match. com." "Anything. com." "Fucking Internet. com!" "Fucking Zac Efron." "Nobody invented him yet." "What about Twitter?" "Whatever the fuck that is." "Hey, we could combine Twitter with fucking Viagra." "Twitt-agra." "What's the matter, dude?" "Come on." "I'm sorry, man." "I'm just preoccupied." "You just kind of down about being black and out of shape?" "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "No." "Because you look good, you know?" "This is a great time for black people." "I mean our time, not this time." "This is a terrible time for black people." "I don't see one other black person in here." "Talk to me, man." "I found out she fucking cheated." "What?" "Courtney's fucking cheating on you?" "I gave her my life, I gave up my passion." "And she's just out there..." "Why the fuck didn't you say something, man?" "That's just it!" "I never see you guys anymore." "I don't have my music, I barely have friends." "Without Courtney," "I'm nothing." "You're just fucking Courtney's bitch right now." "You need to be your own man, you know?" ""Nick Webber-Agnew"?" "What the fuck is that?" " It's terrible." " It doesn't work." "No." "Nick Webber, that's who you are." "That's who I was." "Maybe you gotta find him again." "You know, she's getting hers, you go get yours." "I can't, man." "It means something to me to be married." "You're not fucking married." "It's 1986." "In my heart I am." "Your heart's a fucking liar." "You know what?" "You know what you got to do?" "What?" "You gotta get your ass up on that stage." "You're right." " I'm gonna do it." " Yeah." "Do it." "Hey, hey, hey." "Do it fucking quickly, okay?" "You better be at that fight with me." "Don't leave me hanging this time." " I won't." "I promise." " All right." "Hey, Adam." "Fuck." "Guys?" "(WATER BUBBLING)" "You're good to go." "Holy shit." "Really?" "Some sort of sticky liquid got into the crossover housing, I don't know." "Must have had some nitratriminium in it." "It's Chernobly." "Whatever it was, it ravaged the hell out of the electronics." "Worked out for you and the boys, though." "Wait, hold on, are you saying that that's the key to the whole thing?" "We need the Chernobly to get back?" "All I'm saying is, whatever your poison, I wouldn't tub without it." "Especially after dawn." "It'd kill you to give me a straight answer?" "You know, you're kind of a dick." "MAN:" "Hey, everybody, you ready to jam?" "All right." "Ladies and gentlemen, help me welcome to the stage" "Nick Webber!" "Hi." "It's been a long time." "(MOUTHING)" "(SINGING) No, I'm never gonna dance again" "Guilty feet have got no rhythm" "(JESSIE'S GIRL PLAYING)" "(SINGING) Jessie is a friend" "Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine" "But lately something's changed It ain't hard to define" "Jessie's got himself a girl And I want to make her mine" "BLAINE:" "These guys are dangerous." "Look at this stuff." "BOY:" "Blaine, it looks like a skinny soda can." "No, a soda-can bomb!" "This stuff's straight out of Moscow." "Let's go kick that Commie's ass!" "Chaz." "Shouldn't we call the cops or the FBI or something?" "No, we're gonna handle this internally." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "I wish that I had" "Jessie's girl" "I wish that I had" "Jessie's girl" "Yeah" "(ALL CHEERING)" "This song is from the future, but since you've been good, you get it early." "Just like we rehearsed." "Let's get it started in here" "And the bass keep runnin'runnin' And runnin'runnin'" "And runnin'runnin' And runnin'runnin'" "And runnin'runnin' And runnin'runnin'" "And runnin'runnin' And runnin'runnin'" "In this context There's no disrespect" "So when I bust my rhyme You break your necks" "We got five minutes For us to disconnect" "From all intellect Collect the rhythm effect" "So lose your inhibition Follow your intuition" "Free your inner soul And break away from tradition" "'Cause when we beat out Girl, it's putting heat out" "You wouldn't believe How we wow shit out" "Burn it till it's burned out Turn it till it's turned out" "Act up from north, west, east, south" "Everybody, everybody Let's get into it" "Get stupid Get it started" "Get it started Get it started" "Let's get it started Let's get it started in here" "Let's get it started Let's get it started in here" "Everybody, everybody Let's get into it" "Get stupid Get it started" "Get it started, get it started Let's get it started" "Hey, where's the Kodiak Club?" "Down the street, dude." "Okay." "Okay, thank you." "Listen, me and my boys got some shit-kicking to do." "But this" "(GRUNTING) ain't over." "Get out of my way, stool." "Transmit hits with no delusion" "The feeling's irresistible And that's how we moving" "Everybody Everybody" "Let's get into it" "That's my boy, right there." " The singer?" " Yeah." "Let's get it started" "I'll be back." "My friends are over there." "I'll come right back." "Lose control Of body and soul" "Don't move too fast, people Just take it slow" "I'm caught right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later?" " Can you what?" " Are you online at all?" "I have no idea what you're saying." "How do I get a hold of you?" "You come find me." "That just sounds exhausting." "With no delusion" "The feeling's irresistible And that's how we moving" "There he is." "Where are your boys?" "I thought they were gonna hold your sack." "BOY:" "Let's kick his ass, Blaine." "Where are my fucking friends?" "Whoo-hoo!" "Let's get" "Whoo-hoo!" "In here" "Let's get Whoo-hoo!" "While I get Whoo-hoo!" " You like that song?" " Yeah, it's great." "It's gonna be a hit." "And runnin'runnin' And runnin'runnin'" "And runnin'runnin' And runnin'runnin'" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Yes." "MAN:" "That was sweet." "ADAM:" "All right." "All right, man." "Good to have you back, see you back up there, man." "Hey, it's coming back." "I should have done this years ago." " Guys." "Adam." "Guys!" " About time." "Did you see him?" "Did you see him rock out?" "Shut up!" "Okay, we gotta find the Chernobly to get out of here." " Chernobly?" "Why?" " I don't know, exactly." "But the repairman said it's got nitro-trainium..." " Nitratrinanium." " JACOB:" "Thank you." "Or some shit in it that'll fix the time machine." " That makes sense." " Where's Lou?" "ADAM:" "Where is..." "What time is it?" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Shit!" "(GIRLS CHATTERING)" "NICK:" "Lou!" " Where is he?" " Fuck." "ADAM:" "Oh, my God!" "We missed it again!" "Well, where do you think he went?" "Same place as last time?" "LOU: (SINGING) Keeps me together at the seams" "I'm on my way" "MAN 1:" "Shut up, you flamer!" "I'm on my way" "MAN 2:" "Hey, go home!" "Loser!" "Hey, John Lennon gets shot!" "Wait, did that already happen?" "ADAM:" "Lou!" "Whoo!" "They made it, everybody!" "Best friends in the world!" "Almost just in time!" "My buddies." "Fucking Chimney Point, right?" "Here we are." "Bottle of scotch, end of the night." "Where were you?" "We were just..." "We came..." "Not tonight." "Every fucking night." "Huh?" "What happened?" "We were gonna do shit together, man." "We were gonna conquer the fucking world." "Me and you." "And then you cut me off." "What was I gonna do, man?" "I was gonna let you drag me down into your bullshit, Lou?" "Yeah." "Yes, because that's what friends do." "No, they don't, man!" "Because then there's two people stuck in the bullshit instead of your sorry ass." "You should stick by your friends through thick and thin!" "Okay, great." "I got two things to say to you." " Okay." " Okay?" "Number one, I hate you." " Got it." " Our friendship means nothing." "All right, is that the first thing or the second thing?" "What?" "No, clearly that's still part of the first thing." " I mean, am I the asshole?" " Did you get that?" " No, I didn't get it." "I thought..." " He didn't get it." "He said A and B..." "Let's agree to disagree about the "first" thing." "Lou, where is the Chernobly?" "We need it to get back." "(IN MOCKING TONE) "Where's the Chernobly at, Lou?"" "That's all you ever fucking care about." "It's the first time he mentioned it." "Yeah, and even if we had mentioned it before, it's kind of a fucking big deal, okay?" "I wanna go home." "NICK:" "Come on, Lou." "Let's talk about this inside." " You got no shoes on." "It's cold out." " Who took my fucking shoe?" "Blaine apparently beat your shoe off of you, which I don't even know how that could fucking happen." "Okay, fuck it!" "Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you!" "ADAM:" "Easy, man." "JACOB:" "Whoa, Lou!" "(ALL YELLING)" "NICK:" "I got you." "JACOB:" "Oh, my God!" " Is Lou dead?" " Shit!" "JACOB:" "There he is." "NICK:" "I can't hold on." " Yes, you can!" " Yes, you can hang on!" " I'm slipping." " ADAM:" "No, hold on." "JACOB:" "No, Nick." "Hold on." "Guys!" "(SCREAMING)" "JACOB:" "Phil!" "Phil!" "Oh, fuck!" "We're dead!" "This is how it happens!" "This is how he loses it!" "Fuck it!" "Fuck it, we're dead men!" "Just let me go." "JACOB:" "Lou, be positive." "LOU:" "The roof is scraping my nut!" "NICK:" "Damn, you strong." "(ALL GRUNTING)" "All right." "You're all right?" "I'm glad you guys are all right." "My fault." "Why do you do shit like that?" " I'm sorry!" "Jesus!" " Thank you, Phil." "All right, here's the second fucking thing, okay?" "Blaine's got the Chernobly." "Let's just get it from him, so we can get back to the present so I can start never seeing you bitches again." " Hey, hey, hey, hey!" " Hey." "I was looking for you." "Where'd you go?" "I had to go..." "My friend got in trouble, but I had to..." "I'm leaving right now." "You're leaving right now?" " Yeah." " That's not good." "I told you, I had two hours." "I gotta go." "JACOB:" "Uncle Adam, come on!" "Who the fuck is that chick?" "Do you wanna come with me?" " LOU:" "Get her fax number and let's go." " Come on." " I can't." " Yes, you can." "You can do whatever you want, man." "It's your life." " I want to." " Good." "Then come on." "But I can't because my friends need me and I gotta show up for them, so I really can't." "Okay." "So what are we..." "I mean, do we..." " What happens?" " I don't know." "I'm not really making any plans." "I'm just sort of letting the universe surprise me, right?" "I like that." "I like that a lot." "That's the sign of a happy man." "MAN:" "April, let's go!" "Shit." "(WHISPERING) Maybe the universe will bring us together again." "I hope." "JACOB:" "Casanova, let's do this!" "(BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLEPLAYING)" "ADAM:" "Just turn it around and keep it running, okay?" "PHIL:" "Yeah, sure thing." "Okay." "You go this way, I'll go this way?" "No, I'm gonna do the opposite of everything you say." "Great." "(GIRLS LAUGHING)" "Wonder which one's Blaine's room." "Housekeeping." "Go, go, go." "LOU:" "Let's try in here." "Where is it?" "Come on!" "Come on, come on." "(GRUNTS)" "Panties, panties, panties!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "Why don't you shut your slut mouth and mind your own fucking business?" "You disgust me." "(GROWLING)" "I love how much you hate you." "Thank you." " They're here, come on." " Fuck!" ""Fuck" as in, "The Chernobly's here and we're all good"?" "No, "fuck" as in, "fuck!"" "Where's Nick?" "NICK:" "Admit it!" "You sucked his balls, you licked his booty, you sucked his toes." "Was his dick bigger than mine?" "You wore the heels, didn't you?" "Admit it, bitch!" "There's gonna be some changes, all right?" "First, I'm dropping "Agnew" from my name." "No more hyphenate." "Next, I'm getting back on stage." "I'm going back to music because I jam." "But you wouldn't know nothing about that because you're probably somewhere sucking a motherfucker's dick!" "Excuse me?" "Hang up the phone, Jerry." "This shit don't concern you." "How do you know my name?" "Hang up the phone, motherfucker!" "This is between me and my wife!" "ADAM:" "Hey!" "Give me that phone!" "JACOB:" "Give him the phone, Nick." "I know what I'm doing." "I know what I'm doing!" "ADAM:" "No, you don't, man." "Let it go!" "Let it go, man." "Wrong number." "But you're a bad girl and you hurt him." "Were you just yelling at your 9-year-old wife?" "Yes." "BLAINE:" "God damn it." "I'm gonna go nuclear on these guys." "BOY:" "They couldn't have gone far, man." "(LOU PANTING)" "Lou!" "Come on, we gotta go." " Hey." " Hey." "Mom?" "Hey, did you find the Chernobly?" "You motherfucker!" " Where did he go?" " Jacob?" " What the fuck?" " What's happened?" "Oh, my God." "I get it." " I'm his father." " What?" "Wait, so what do we do?" "Oh, my God." "Hit that." "You finish this." "Okay." "Lay down." "We got a stupid baby to make right now." "LOU: (GROANING) I'm back inside of you." "I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's sister!" "I'm doing it!" "I'm doing it!" "It's gonna take me a while 'cause I'm a little drunk." "Oh, no, it's not." "Here I come." "Oh, my God, I'm gonna come!" "I'm gonna..." "Oh, Shia LaBeouf!" "Dropping loads!" "So much fucking semen." "Little tiny Jacobs!" "(JACOB WHOOPING)" "(LAUGHS) There's my boy." "It was so beautiful." "You sack of shit!" "I knew there was a reason I fucking hated you." "And now I know why." "I'm gonna tell everybody in prison that I traveled back in time to kill my own father!" " ADAM:" "Jacob, get off him." "Come on!" " Time out, young man." "Get the fuck off of me!" "You're a fucking dead man!" " ADAM:" "Jacob!" " Nobody fucks my mother in the past!" "I feel pregnant." "You're welcome." "(CROWD EX CLAIMING)" "You Commies looking for this?" " Yes, actually." " Yes, we are." "That's what we're looking for." "You think we could get that back?" "No, you may not." "But bad news for you, sport." "I'm a patriot." "And I'm not about to let some Ruskie fucks come into my town and blow shit up with some red-soda-can bomb." "Just give it to us, turtleneck." "Yeah, okay, you can have it back." "As long as that sack over there comes and takes it from me." " I think he's talking about you." " He's talking about you." "He's obviously talking about me." "Blaine, hello." "Um..." "Can I please get the soda back?" "Yeah, sure you can." "Oh." "Okay." "(GRUNTS)" "Fuck me in the face." "BOY:" "Get him a body bag, Blaine!" "Give us a minute, okay?" "Listen to me, man." "That guy, that guy has pummeled you again and again." "He made you his little bitch." "He's humiliated you, emasculated you." "The wheel of fate has stopped and dumped you here again, utterly defeated." "None of this is helping me at all." "I know, it's coming." "It's coming right now." "Patience." "Maybe you're supposed to do something different." "What is this, girl talk?" "Let's go here, come on." "You're better than him." "America!" "Maybe not by a lot, but a little." "You're the patron saint of the totally fucked." "You're completely toxic." "There's nothing you can't kill." "You're the fucking Violator!" "The moment's over." "Let's go!" "You can do this!" "You can get us the fuck out of here!" "You can be the hero!" "Enrique-fucking-Iglesias." "You love that song, don't you?" "I love that fucking song!" "Give me your best shot." "Come on, buddy." "(HERO PLAYING)" "I can be your hero, baby" "I can kiss away the pain" "I will stand by you forever" "You can take my breath away" "Shit." "God damn it!" "None of what you said worked at all." "Let's kick these guys' ass, get the shit and go home." "Done." "No, no!" "(YELLING)" "Fuck you!" "Feels so good!" "The Chernobly." "(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)" "(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Martina Navratilova." "NICK:" "Smirnoff Ice." "(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)" "That's right, we are Russians!" "Spies." "Yeah, because I was just speaking Russian." "ADAM:" "He pulls that top, and this whole fucking place blows." "You guys count backwards from 50, then pull up the carpet and jump around." "Or I'll fuck you up." "ADAM:" "Hi, Phil." "Can we go back to the hotel, lodge?" " Sure." " Thank you so much." " Five, four, three..." " Blaine, please stop counting." "Chaz, this is an Acorn 5 situation." "If we stop counting, they're gonna blow us sky-high." "Look, if it is a bomb, they've got it with them, all right?" "If anyone's gonna blow up, it's them." "Chaz, stop!" "How long did our talking just take?" "I don't know." "I wasn't keeping track." "Fuck it, let's risk it!" "Move out!" "LOU:" "Now that you're with me, you gotta cover up your belly." "NICK:" "Let's get the fuck out of here." "KELLY:" "What are you talking about?" "We only had sex once." "ADAM:" "Let's go." "Come on." "Kelly, you can talk about it later." " You guys are all right?" " ADAM:" "Thank you, Phil." "Enjoyed it." "Have a good rest of your vacation." "We'd love to have you come back here to the Silver Peaks Lodge." "ADAM:" "Thanks." "Bye-bye." "NICK:" "Thanks, Phil." "Take care." "Be careful." "Hey, watch out!" "(CAR HORN HONKING)" "God, you guys see that?" "Come on, man!" "Why would you fucking take that from me?" "I didn't take it from you." "You guys..." " KELLY:" "Oh, my God!" " (ALL SCREAMING)" "It happened!" "It happened!" "Why the fuck are you laughing?" "Gross!" "Man down, man down!" "Code 11." "BLAINE:" "All right, everybody grab your gear, we gotta move!" "Later, Kelly." "Bye, Mom." "Love you." "Don't do drugs, okay?" "Hey, bye." "Aren't you coming to my room with me?" "No, I gotta take my clothes off and get in a hot tub with these guys." "Then I'm totally over you." "Kelly, listen." "It's been an interesting trip." "You're my sister and I love you." "I love you, too." "And don't steal that Caboodle makeup thing from JCPenney and you won't do any hard time." "I'll see you in 20 years." "Uh." "You're giving me a ride in the morning, right?" "Hallelujah!" "Cannonball!" "Yeah!" "Let's get this party started!" "Young blood." " Holy shit!" " (THUNDER RUMBLING)" "ADAM:" "Hey, look, it's happening." "Here it comes!" "Hurry up." "I can see the '90s." "Why are you taking off your clothes?" "I don't know, man." "It just feels right, you know?" "Fuck it." "Adam!" "Adam!" "I'm not gonna go!" " What?" " I'm gonna stay!" "Don't fuck around, Lou." "Let's go!" "I'm good here, man." "I had a good day!" "I beat the shit out of that guy, finally!" "I fucked your sister!" "I could be a good dad!" "I love you, Jacob!" "Fuck you!" "(LAUGHING)" "Little scamp." "They say the damndest things, man." "Come on, Lou, let's go!" "We'll talk about it when we get home!" "I was trying to kill myself!" "I know, man." "That's why we came here!" "If I go back, I'm just gonna kill myself all over again, man." " I can't." " You're gonna stay?" "JACOB:" "Guys, let's go." "All right, well, if you're gonna stay, I'm gonna stay!" "You'd really do that for me?" "We're best friends!" "If you're staying, I'm staying!" "Your bullshit's my bullshit, right?" "I'm your best friend?" "You are one of my best friends!" " I'll take that!" " NICK:" "Where you going on me?" "Thank you!" "JACOB:" "Oh, my God!" "All right, man." "Come on!" "(ALL YELLING)" "(ALL COUGHING)" "JACOB:" "Holy shit." "This better be the last time my ass travels through time." "Oh..." "It is so good to see you." "LOU:" "Are we rolling?" "Welcome back, bitches!" "Is that Lou?" "What took you so long?" "All right, zoom out." "JACOB:" "Yeah, that's a weird hair choice." "LOU:" "Uh-oh." "Look what Daddy did." "He looks like a lion." "Oh, hi." "Didn't see you there." "Here's a question." "Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain?" "Perhaps." "Here's another question." "Do I give a fuck?" "That's my father." "LOU:" "Hey, check out my girl." "You burned the fucking crab cakes again." "LOU:" "No, I didn't burn them because I like them that way!" "I fucking hate you, Louis." "LOU:" "I hate you, too, baby." "I love that woman, man." "Those are my parents." "But seriously, a lot has changed." "So, whatever happens, stay the fuck calm." "It'll all make sense soon." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Good morning." "Holy shit, Phil, you got both your arms." "Oh." "Yeah, I do." "That's incredible." "Yeah, what happened was a snowplow came along and it took my arm right off." "But the ski patrol came along and they put it on ice." "Blaine and Chaz." "Blaine and Chaz saved his arm!" "We got 15 minutes before that thing dies, all right." "We're gonna put that back on you!" "PHIL:" "I'm pretty happy." "It looks great." "Anyhow, I have instructions on how to get home." " We know how to get home." " Yeah." "We know..." "Mr. Dorchen anticipated that you might say that, so I took the liberty of printing up some Lougle maps for you." " You mean "Google"?" " PHIL:" "Lougle maps." "What's the matter with you guys?" "(LAUGHING)" "NICK:" "Fuck me." "So, Phil, if you wanna find, you know, like porno or a restaurant review or anything like that, you use Lougle?" "Correct." "I bet he's on the Statue of Liberty and shit, too." "You want me to go in there?" "NICK:" "That's what it says on the map." "Call me later." "Hello." "Welcome back, Mr. Webber." "How was your time away?" "Uh..." "Hey, how was the trip?" "(ONCE IN A LIFETIMEPLAYING)" "Good." "Letting the days go by" "Let the water hold me down" "Letting the days go by" "Water flowing underground" "Into the blue again" "After the money's gone" "Once in a lifetime" "Water flowing underground" "Motherfucker." "Nick?" "Baby, how was your weekend?" "I wasn't expecting you today." "Baby." "Baby." "I got something to tell you." "I know about what you did with a guy named Steve." "Steve?" "Our receptionist?" "That Tyrese-looking motherfucker out there?" "Baby, wait a minute." "What are you talking about?" "You think I'm fooling around?" "First of all, I would never screw around." "And you remember I told you about that crazy wrong number" "I got when I was nine." " That man was so..." " I love you, Courtney." "I love you so much." "I love you, too, Nick Webber." "Nick Webber?" "That's your name." "Yeah, it is my name." " Yeah." " You know my name." "Say it again." "Nick" " Webber." " (CHUCKLES) Yeah." "APRIL:" "Grab that." "I'll take this one." "Hey, Mom." "I made you a drink." "Is there alcohol in that?" "Yeah, I believe there's still alcohol in scotch." "Talk about your lost weekend, huh?" "I know, right?" "Man." "Hey, family." "What are you faggots talking about?" "My two handsome men." "Let me get you another drink, Dad." "Daddy's little buddy." "NICK:" "You know what I can't believe?" "I can't believe we're all here." "I can't believe we all made it." "Made it together." "ADAM:" "A toast." "APRIL:" "A toast." "Approximately three days ago, or 20 years, depending on your understanding of the time-space continuum, Jacob," "sitting here with you guys would have been my worst nightmare." "It's true." "But I can honestly say right now" "I'm very happy to be right here in this moment with you," " my best friends." " APRIL:" "Hear, hear." " To friends." " And family." "ADAM:" "All right." "Cheers!" "To past, present and future." "ALL:" "Cheers!" " JACOB:" "So, "Lougle," huh?" " Yeah." "Lougle." "Just this multibillion-dollar thing I did for a while." "My real passion's music, though." "So pissed the band broke up." "Band?" "What band were you ever in?" "(HOME SWEETHOMEPLAYING)" "(SINGING) You know I'm a dreamer" "But my heart's of gold" "I had to run away high" "So I wouldn't come home low" "Just when things went right" "Doesn't mean they were always wrong" "Just take this song and you'll never feel" "Left all alone" "Take me to your heart" "Feel me in your bones" "Just one more night" "And I'm coming off this long and winding road" "I'm on my way" "I'm on my way" "Home sweet home" "Tonight, tonight" "I'm on my way" "I'm on my way" "Home sweet home" "You know that I've seen" "Too many romantic dreams" "Up in lights falling off the silver screen" "My heart's like an open book" "For the whole world to read" "Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams" "I'm on my way" "I'm on my way" "Home sweet home" "Yeah" "I'm on my way" "Just set me free" "Home sweet home"