" No objection to an identity parade ?" " None." "Social responsibility is our bywon..." "Fucked up already !" "Going to be a long night." "Are you seriously suggesting we kill this poor burglar without any trial just so we can live the high life in the Bah..." "Bahaha..." "Bollocks !" "Don't think I've been there." "I have !" "Eh-heh, watching telly ?" "Addling your brains ?" "We're having an evening of culture while you vegetate watching "Emmerdale Farm" !" "What's happened, by the way ?" "Has Moss... ?" "Who the fuck is Moss ?" "!" "Such a long speech !" "It's a cross between Matt and Amos, you see." "Perfect !" "Eh-heh, watching telly ?" "Addling your brains ?" "We're having an evening of culture while you vegetate watching "Emmerdale Farm" !" "Sad peasants !" "What's happened ?" "Has Moss sorted..." "I said Moss !" "Where's mine ?" "Right." " What is it ?" " A picture." " A picture." "What of ?" " Me." "Self portrait." "Don't you like it ?" "It's bollocks." "No, it's mine, although he is good." "We have a similar style." "Lots of people say my paintings look like Bollocks' !" "Let's go and hang it." " I thought by the dining room table." " That should help me lose weight !" "Or in the toilet ?" "Not bad, but I doubt the flush mechanism could cope with it." "What ?" "I've got the perfect place !" "Right a bit." "Left a bit... down a bit..." "There !" "That's just dandy." "That looks lovely !" "You're a Philistine, Edward Hitler !" "That took me 15 minutes !" "Eddie, this is so sophisticated." "I feel like Lord Byron and Earl thingy with the dressy on and lots of flappy chin stuff." "You look like a git with his raincoat on insid..." "'Ello, Pen." "Fancy a shag ?" "Eight series and he never said it !" "You want someone homely, a good cook, fun to be with and a wazzo pair of jugs ?" " That's right." " But we are flexible." " Not about the jugs." " Firm on the jugs." "The jugs have to be firm." "Come on, Ed, there has..." "I shouldn't have said Ed." "No, you cunt." "Yes !" "'Ello, Pen." "Fancy a fuck ?" "Not you." "Fancy a fuck, dear ?" "There's this donkey..." "Good one, isn't it ?" "This donkey is grazing..." "This is true, actually." "He's grazing and a flying saucer lands." "A little green man comes out like that..." "Four legs... and his head." "He comes over to Toby the donkey and says," ""Toby, I know a joke that'll blow your bollocks off."" "Toby says, "I've already heard it."" "Squashed potatoes." "Possibly." "I sat down too quick !" "Oh, fuck." "Sorry." "Right, here we go." "Spud Gun, one potato or two ?" " Two, please." " No... one." " Two." " No." "One." " OK, one." " That's better." "Ouch !" "Changed my mind." "No, Eddie, not the bleach !" "Eddie ?" "Right." "Eddie, chess is our best idea ever and it was one of mine !" "This must be perfect." "Just two guys, no chicks." "Man to man, civilised, urbane, male stuff, and I'm not being funny." "So, what do we need ?" "We need Twiglets for the guys !" "You had the egg !" "Oh, hello..." "Just doing my exercises !" "What a smashing blouse !" "Have dinner with me tonight and afterwards, no pressure, I could do it to you." "I'm really keen on you... my love." "You need a breath freshener." " You berk !" "I was on there !" " All the classic signs were there" "The sneer, the disbelief, the sudden panic and exit." " Like every other bird you've talked to." " Twaddle !" "I've had some narrow squeaks." "Squeaks !" "You told me that holiday would be a blistering sex rampage !" ""It's Weston-Super-Mare," you said." ""Weston-Super-Mare !"" "Where they filmed "Carry On Camping" and Barbara Windsor's top came off !" "You said, "If I come back with my cherry, Edward, you might as well buy me a dress !"" "I had a conversation with that barmaid in the disco." "Yes, "Half a lager and lime, sir ?" "That's £10.40."" "If I hadn't slipped on my own vomit on the dance floor, she'd be another notch on my tomahawk !" "Speaking of your tomahawk, how's your sunburn ?" "Not good, Eddie." "Bugger that swimsuit !" " Why did you make me buy a thong ?" " For a laugh." "There were no instructions on which way round to put it." "I could have saved £30 and used my shoelaces." "The cruel Weston-Super-Mare sun !" "I had one glass of scrumpy and passed out while picking bits out of my teeth !" "I woke up and thought a surgeon had replaced my undercarriage with a chilli !" "Who invented the thong ?" "!" "Sadist !" "It's like wrapping cheese wire round your tackle !" "I sneezed at one point and thought I'd have to come home in slices !" "Mind you, I did cut an attractive figure." "Shame those photos never came out." "They did come out." "The police seized them." "Gross indecency, they said." "Ooh, GROSS indecency !" "Sorry, minute indecency." "Anyway, we can't go back there and that's why we're here." " People sneer at marriage bureaux." " Because they can get off with birds ?" "Yeah... no !" "I mean, in the hurly-burly of modern city life, a young executive has no time to go bird hunting." "For £120, a dating agency will fix him up with a dead cert and no questions asked !" " Finished your form ?" " I'm on the multiple preference bit." "Blonde, yep." "Brunette, yep." "Dark, yep." "Intelligent all right." "Good for you." "I favour the intelligent bird myself." " It's sexist to like the good-looking ones." " Is it ?" "Yes." "You have to have an intelligent one now." "I saw it on "Kil-roy"." "He had half a studio of lookers and the rest were intelligent - short hair, glasses, home-made earrings." " What was the issue ?" " Couldn't work it out." "Well, it was "Kilroy"." "You're meant to do it with the ones you don't fancy." " Who breeds with the lookers, then ?" " Nobody, mate, just the sexists." "Are they looking for sexists ?" "How does one join ?" "I don't know, but I wrote to "Kilroy"." "I expect a reply any day." "Hello, gentlemen." "Sorry you were waiting." "Coffee ?" "No, just birds, thanks." "Any bird will do, but preferably wearing hot pants." "Short trousers, not someone who lights her farts." "All right." "You'd be laughing on the other side of your face in my shoes !" "I'd have wet feet if I was in your shoes." "Damn !" "Oh, who cares ?" "We'll be living in lizard skin thigh boots if my plan works !" "Let's go over it again." "Right, we take off his leg, take it down the pawn shop, put all the money on the horse, win, get back the leg." "He'll never know !" "What could fail ?" " Especially with Sad Ken !" " Right." " I distract him, you swipe the leg." " Okey-dokey, Sunny Jim, old blokey fucking bastard bollocky cunt !" " He knew it once." " I've known that all week !" " That sounded like the Chesterfield." " No, it wasn't that far away." "Eddie, what if they're after..." " What ?" "!" " I haven't decided what to say yet." " Shall we go and write it ?" " Yes !" " Come with me." " Where is the nearest loo ?" "This is it." "This is the Second Coming." " What ?" "!" " Look, the three kings - gold, Frankenstein and grrrr." "The virgin birth and - look !" " a blue headscarf !" "That tops it off !" "It's slotting into place !" "I knew I was special, different from the other people !" "I knew I was diff..." "I was being kept pure !" "I was different from everyone else in the world !" "I never got a shag because I was being kept pure and was different from everyone else !" "Mind you, I had a frew... fuck !" "There was Mr Baker and Mr Derbyshire !" " Interestingly, he came from Berkshire !" " Richie." "Ssh, I've gotta keep him talking till Eddie gets here." "Argh, it's you !" "Shouldn't creep up on a war veteran." "The..." "Oh... testicles." "'Ello, girls." "Eddie Hitler here !" "Come and get it !" "That ought to do it." "Bloody good, Eddie !" "Yeah, I think that should work." "If you want an insane flu-pla... !" "Everything's going swimmingly !" "Hot enough in there, little sprouts ?" "Or is that the potatoes or stuffing ?" "Everything looks the same now !" "So, everything's ready !" "Lordy, look at the time !" "They'll be here soon." " Is the tree ready ?" " Yep." "There she is !" " Shall I fire her up ?" " Rather !" "Get some Christmas glow going !" "Contact !" "That's quite a lot of Christmas glow, isn't it ?" " Shall I open a window ?" " Yes, thank you." "And there she goes as usual !" " That's the tenth time that's happened." "Remember my electrician's course ?" "I think I should have stayed for the full half-hour." "Oh, Christmas !" "Ding dong merrily on bloody high !" "Why is it always so depressing, why does it never snow ?" "!" "Can't make a drizzle-man or play drizzle-balls !" "At least nothing else can go wrong." "You must be the Duke of Kidderminster." "They said you were loopy." "No, no !" "I am the duke." "This is merely Jives, my batman." "Don't be an arsehead, Leaking Tap." "That's wrong." "What amusing water gadget did I mention ?" "Watering can !" "Was that it ?" "Disgraceful." " Oh, we're off." "Here we go !" " Oh, dear." "For Mr Denis." "We'll go when we are ready." "No way, Watering Can !" "Merry Christmas, Denis Norden." "Drink it, or we'll force it down your throat !" " Dave ?" " Drink it, he's a psycho !" "Merry Christmas, everyone." "Merry Christmas one and a..." "There's her phone number." "Good luck." " Thank you !" " What have you got for me ?" "Sarah Ferguson !" "Do you mind ?" "!" "I'm a respectable man !" "Come, Eddie, Rich..." " My auntie used to work in a prison." " What did he do ?" "You're really flexible, aren't you ?" "Half past eight and all is crap !" "I've got to get into my kitchen !" "Here's some spray sp-now..." "I see you have the new sp-now !" "Half past eight and all's crap !" "I have got to get into my kitchen." "Here's some spray snow." "You make everything..." "You're one of them Russians ?" "I'm a bit Russian myself." "My Uncle Ivan came over because of the pogroms." "Had 'em done on the National Health ?" "Sorry." "We can't go on like this !" "Why did they take the telly ?" "!" " You know very well why." " No, I don't !" "You do, Edward Hitler." "They took the telly because, according to you, while you were going to the telly shop..." "I've forgotten my words." "Bugger." "Sorry." "How did we get £86.23 behind in the first place ?" "All right, change the subject." "I forgive you." "It wasn't me who saved up..." "fuck, bastard, bollocks." "What a rude man !" "One-all." "This is unbearable." "We could be missing a "Watchdog" special on faulty bikinis." "Oh, don't !" "Come on, let's try and be positive about the lack of telly." " We should use this as an... an..." " As a what ?" "Two-one !" "Slam into the back of the net !" "The fact that you stank of whisky and your shirt displayed a lurid example of... oh, bum !" "Sorry." " A lurid example of a bum ?" " It's a long speech !" "Hold that finger !" "No one watches telly till the Queen's Speech." "It's "Noel's Christmas Family Accidents" !" "I don't care." "We're English." "We do Christmas properly !" "Right, five hours till lunch." "I'd better get..." "Buggered up the line !" "Wait a minute !" "What's going on ?" "To marry that, you're insane or on the make." "Now, then... which is it ?" "If you're here to emotionally cripple my friend, that's perfectly OK with me." "I have to marry the first stupidly aristocrat..." "No, I've buggered it." "I have to marry a stupidly wealthy aristocrat or my family will be impoverished forever !" "I hate poor people !" "Well..." "If that's the case, I have a few quid..." "Oh, fuck, I've buggered it !" "Fuck off." "I have to marry a stupidly wealthy aristocrat or my family will be impoverished forever !" "I hate poor people !" "Well, if that's the case, I've got a few quid flying about the place." "See ?" "If it's stupidity you want..." "Oh, bastard !" "Where the bloody hell am I ?" "!" "Eddie, calm down !" "You're in a tent." "Listen, I think there's something outside." "Of course there is, Richie." "You can't expect the entire universe to be constain... fuck, bastard, bollocky bums !" "He couldn't do it in rehearsals either !" " Yes ?" " Bastard." "Where the bloody hell am I ?" "!" "Eddie, we're in a tent." "Listen..." "I think there's something outside." "There's bound to be something outside." "You can't explect... fuck, bastard, bollock, bum, bollock !" "Well, that's the toilet tent." " Where do we sleep ?" " Oh, ha-ha" "I'm about to blow my trousers off in amusement at Eddie's..." "I forgot the line, bum, bum... shag, VD !" "Sorry." " Why don't we use your vest as a net ?" " Would I have to be in it ?" "Hand it over." "I know what I'm doing." "My grandfather was a trawlerman." " That's what they called them then ?" " That'll do." "Give us the vest." "Get the stove hot, there'll be a few hundred pounds of mackerel before loll-lull-lll !" "Bollocks, am I going to have to put that fucking vest under my shirt again ?" "!"