"?" "Please, don't take my soul." "Aku, you will not claim another innocent!" "Samurai Jack!" "My hero." "I hate being Aku!" "I don't wanna be him anymore!" "I wanna be Jack!" "What?" "First of all, I do the best Jack imitation." "Do it again, Phil!" "Aku, you will not claim another innocent." "And, second, you used to love being Aku." "Yeah." "That was before Jack came along!" "Now everyone wants to play Jack and destroy me!" "But you look just like him." "It's just my hair." "No, Aku." "Your tricks will not protect you this time!" "Yeah!" "Destroy Aku!" "For eons I have terrorized this land." "Every miserable creature trembled at the mere mention of my name." "The pitiful people shrank before my awesome power." "But now I am openly mocked by these measly urchins." "Tales of the samurai's heroics have spread through the world like a virus!" "But I will cure the world of this plague of hope." "I will unleash such evil that even the most innocent soul will be consumed by terror!" "We're not afraid of you anymore, Aku no matter what you do." "Hush!" "You cannot speak of Aku this way." "Insolent brats!" "Their elders still fear and respect the almighty Aku." "But this new generation the seed of rebellion has been planted in them by these tales of heroism." "Well, if they respond to stories I have a tale or two that will turn Aku into the hero of their young hearts!" " What's going on?" " Why have we been forced to come here?" "A tale must be told." "A tale of epic proportions." "I will take you to a universe far away." "To a world of hunger." "For the only one who ate was a corrupt and evil beast." "A devourer of worlds who set his sight on our defenseless sphere." "But a beloved and courageous hero arose to oppose the terrorizing beast." "Mounted on his sled with eight tiny reindeer he flew into battle against the cosmic scourge." "Then the great warrior focused all his power into his spear of truth." "And he hurled it with all his might." "The spear struck the beast transforming him into beef jerky!" "The great warrior was victorious." "And the people feasted on the spoils of his conquest and never went hungry again." ""Who shall we thank for this heroic feat?" The people asked." "The warrior removed his helmet to reveal himself." "It was none other than I Aku!" "And so the people bowed down and made the great warrior their king!" "That is the story of how I came to be." "Perhaps my story is too complex for these young minds." "A story of the purest, simplest theme must be told." "Yes." "Fairy tales are simple." "But the heroes within are legendary." ""Little Red Riding Hood."" ""Once upon a time there was a little girl who was loved by all."" "Yes, I am familiar with this one." "Once upon a time, there was a little girl with an adorable red cape and great flaming eyebrows who was beloved by all." "And so the people affectionately named her Little Red Hood." "One day, Little Red Hood was on her way to her grandmother's house." "My poor grandmama is of delicate health." "So I am delivering to her a picnic basket of confectionery treats!" "Did someone say "picnic baskets filled with delicious confectionery treats"?" "And so the mean wolf took a shortcut and arrived at Grandmother's house before Little Red Hood." "Who's there?" "Howdy-ho, Grandma." "It's me, the wolf." " Oh, my!" " Yeah, yeah, I know." "I'm petrifying." "Now, enough of the chitchat." "In you go." "How horrible!" "Little Red Hood approached Grandma's house unaware of what awaits her within." "Who's there?" "Hey, hey." "Keep it down in there!" "Come in, my child." "Hey, Red." "How about giving me some of those confectionery treats?" "My, Grandma!" "What big eyes you have!" "Yeah, yeah." "Big eyes, big teeth, and a big appetite!" "The wolf attacked Little Red Hood not knowing that Little Red Hood had laser eye beams great combat skills and a powerful uppercut that freed Little Red's grandmother from the evil bowels of the wolf." "Confectionery treats." "And so Little Red Hood was victorious!" "Do not be afraid, children." "Show your joy." "Do you not like the tales of Aku?" "Speak!" "Yes, child." "Share your thoughts on the tales of Aku." "Well, the stories were told very well." "Yes?" "But I think we would like to hear a story about Samurai Jack?" "What?" "!" "So be it." "Pay attention, children for you are about to hear the story of "Jack and the Three Bears."" "Once upon a time, there were three bears who lived together in a house of wood." "One was a little wee bear." "One was a middle-size bear." "And the other was a great, huge bear!" "I made us some porridge, comrades." "But, alas, it is too hot." "That's okay, brother." "We can go for a walk in the woods while it cools off." "You made porridge!" "And while they were out a wicked samurai came to the house." "He was not a good samurai." "He was an impudent, bad, old samurai." "Oh, yeah!" "Porridge!" "And so the wicked samurai began to eat." "It did not matter to him if the porridge was too hot, too cold, or just right." "He ate it all!" "All right!" "Good." "And then he set off to destroy the three bears' house." "When the three bears returned..." " Someone's been eating my porridge!" " Someone's been messing with my books!" "Someone's been wearing my clothes!" "Someone wrecked our whole house!" "And there he is!" "Sleeping in my bed!" "Shut up!" "I'm trying to sleep!" "Sir?" "Aku?" "Yes, child?" "Why do you interrupt Aku?" "Well, the thing is Jack wouldn't do that." "Oh?" "You know him?" "No." "But..." "Very well." "Perhaps I exaggerated a little." "But this next story is true to its uttermost detail." "Once upon a time, there was a house built from straw, wood and brick where three innocent little pigs happily made their residence." "Until there was a knock at the door." "It was big, bad Jack." "Little pig, little pig open up and let me in!" "Not by the hairs on our chinny-chin chins!" "Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'm coming in!" "Here's Jackie!" "Aku, sir?" "Yes, girl child?" "I'm scared." "Good." "The samurai is scary!" " But Jack would never do such a..." " Silence!" "I will continue with yet another tale." "The story of poor little Cinderella and her evil stepmother, Jacqueline." "And her two wicked stepsisters, Jackie and Jackquela." " Scrub that floor!" " Wash those dishes!" "Make me dinner!" " But Jack is a man." " Very well." "There once was a house made of candy." "But a giant samurai came and smashed it!" "Guess my name!" "But those are three different stories." "With great endings." "And so the samurai prince finally found the magic frog and kissed him, enraging the frog who then ate the samurai prince." "But wasn't Jack just a giant?" "Yes." "And he fell off the beanstalk." " But he wasn't on a beanstalk." " You are correct." "He was searching for his lost sheep who stampeded over him." "That's not how the story goes." "Yes, it does!" "After barely surviving the sheep stampede a cat in giant boots came along and kicked the samurai!" " What?" "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair." "What's happening?" "Enough!" "Here is the truest tale of all!" "There was an almighty, all-powerful wizard." "And there was a pathetic, little samurai." "And the wizard destroyed him!" "The end!" " No, that's not how it would happen." " Yeah!" "First, it would be a misty night." "And Jack would be climbing a huge castle." "But not before he defeated its 8-foot, six-armed mutant guard." "Yeah!" "Then he would be climbing all battle-damaged." "With his hair all messed up." "With his sword in his teeth!" "Yeah." "And as Jack reaches the top of the castle Aku would creepily creep out from the shadows." "But Jack can smell his foul stench." " And then they fight!" " Not yet!" "First, they would stare each other down!" " And then they'd fight!" " No, not yet!" "Jack would first say, "You have plagued the land with your evil long enough." "Prepare to meet your doom."" " And then they'd fight!" " No, not yet!" "Because Aku would answer, "You are truly powerful, samurai but no match for my evil wizardry!"" " Now?" " Now." "And then they'd fight!" "Aku quickly turns into a huge..." "Dragon-like creature." "But he's no match for Jack's samurai skill!" "And with one mighty blow Jack destroys Aku!" "Then he would sheath his sword all cool-style and say:" ""My quest has ended." "I will now travel back to my own time and undo the evil that Aku has done."" "The end!"