"Hi, there." "Hi." "My friends and I were watching you from over there." "Oh, really?" "Uh, well, I'm Marc." "Yeah, um, Marc..." "[chuckles] are you here with anyone?" "Oh, no, I'm not." "I'm actually single." "I'm just, uh, you know, watching the kids." "Yeah, well, my friends and I think you need to leave." "What?" " [children shouting indistinctly] - _" "Is that a thing?" "Is that... that's a real sign?" "I'm sorry." "You know, child molesters..." "No, I don't know child molesters, and that's insulting." "God!" "What is... what is happening to this world?" "!" "We don't want to call the police." "The police?" "I just come to this stupid park to watch these goddamn kids "in a nice way," and now..." "Oh, really?" "O-Okay." "Fine." "Fine." "Jesus Christ." "I'm leaving." "It's a great park." "You know, there's a highway right there." "Your kids are getting black lung." "You're a great mother." "Hope you feel good about yourself." "Look, I'm leaving." "Ridiculous." "["The Poisoned Well" plays]" "♪ Won't fall for it ♪" "♪ You can't see ♪" "♪ And you can't tell ♪" "♪ I just can't drink from the poisoned well ♪" "All my friends are getting married now." "Well, that's gonna happen, man." "I've lost a lot of people to marriage." "I mean, I'm cool with going out of town for a wedding..." "Yeah." "...but if you say you're having a destination wedding..." "Right." "...don't make it sound like you're getting married in Cabo, then I find out I have to fly to Tallahassee." "It's still technically a destination." "Well, if you're lucky enough not to live there, sure." "Right." "That's a little harsh on Tallahassee." "[chuckles]" "But I understand." "I mean, who are all these people, though?" "You still friends with people you went to high school with?" " Yeah." " Really?" "Mm-hmm." "They all have their day jobs to go to now." "Oh, yeah." "Well, that's the life... that's the life they live, not the life we live." " We live the comic's life, right?" " [chuckles]" "The life of perpetual adolescence." " Hell, yeah." " [chuckles]" "The best life." "I mean, my friends, they get real jealous." "Well, why wouldn't they?" "Here's their schedule." "They wake up at 6:30, and that's in the morning." " Yeah." " Then they spend 12 hours in an office, go home to their wife, and then repeat every day, right?" " Right, yeah." " You know, here's my schedule." " Okay." " I wake up whenever the hell I want." " Right." " Usually alone." "Uh, and then I, you know, dick around on the guitar all afternoon." " Sure, sure." " Maybe go see a movie." " Why not?" " And then I'll go, uh, hook up with a chick I'll meet online." "Right." "Sprinkle in the occasional checkup with the dick doctor, and I'm good to go." "Well, I'm..." "I'm glad you're dating quality people." " Hey, nothing but the best." " Yeah, that's..." "Look, who am I to judge?" "I live the same life." "Going on, like, what, 30 to 35 years now." "Dude, that's kind of sad." "What do you mean?" "[chuckling] How old are you?" "Like 60?" "What do you..." "I'm 51 years old." " All alone?" " What?" "You're Will Smith in "I Am Legend."" "Well, that's cold-blooded, man." "Maybe I like to see myself more as Charlton Heston in "Omega Man."" "I didn't understand a word in that last sentence." "Hey." "Hey, man." "How's it going with those merch orders?" "Pretty good." "I'll take this batch to the post office as soon as I'm done." "All right, cool." "So, uh, you want to go to the movies later?" "Oh, man, Marc, I would love to, especially since you never really ask me to do friend things... but I'm kind of hanging out with my girlfriend." "Girlfriend?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I mean, I can cancel, like, if you need some bro time, but..." "No, I don't ever need bro time." "I mean, I just thought..." "Uh, never mind." "Okay." "Well, h-hey, though." "Don't you have that, um, brunch tomorrow?" "With the..." "the lesbians?" "Why you got to say it so weird?" "Y-You know, they're..." "they're just a couple, and they're married." "And they're women." "Yeah." "I like lesbians." "[sighs]" "Oh, hey, speaking of love, what are you doing Wednesday night?" "There's this group art show thing that should be pretty cool, because my lady is opening up a new gallery." "I'd love it if you could meet her." "She's an artist?" "Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Big time." "Wow." "Is it... is it serious?" "[exhales deeply]" "Well, not to kiss and tell, but things have really been heating up in the boudoir." "All right, you know what?" "Don't." "Man, Marc, I got to tell you... we are expanding the erotic boundaries of what two people can do in the confines..." "All right." "...of a twin, extra-long bed." "All right, all right." "Just stop." "I mean, sometimes I don't know where my body begins, where her body ends." " All right, no." "No." " We're just..." "You know, I never really understood that phrase "all up in dat,"" "but I have been "all up in dat."" "All right, how about we stop talking about this?" "What... what kind of artist is she?" "Is she a performance artist, a visual artist?" "Visual... painter." " Really?" " Mm-hmm." "Does she do figurative or abstract work?" "I don't know." "Well, when you look at a painting, do you say, "Oh, there's a bowl of fruit."" "or do you say, "I don't know what that is." "I feel weird."?" " That." " Abstract." " Ohh." " Mm." "That reminds me of the time I got home from a business trip just to find Shay neck-deep in a crafting binge." " [laughter]" " Come on!" "You suggested that I get a hobby when I moved here." "Marc, you know what I'm talking about with this weird craft art, right?" "Oh, yeah." "I definitely do." "Well, we've got to take off." "We're gonna go eat some Baked Bears and see "2001" projected in 70 millimeter at the Cinerama Dome." "Yes." "That sounds great." " What are Baked Bears?" " They're weed gummy bears." "Oh, my God." "Did I quit doing weed before the party started?" "They make it now for, like, five-year-olds?" "Yeah, you want to see?" "Oh, they're just like..." "Yeah." "Yeah." " Cool." "Well, we will walk you guys out." " Okay." "All right." "See you guys later." "[clears throat]" "I'm gonna need that back." "It's a long movie." " Sorry, buddy." " That's all right." " Okay, man." "Have fun." " Thank you." "Hey, when was the last time you guys seasoned this cast iron pan?" "I'll tell you what..." "I'm gonna clean it, then we're gonna season the iron, and it's gonna be like new." "I've still got the cast iron that I had in college." "What's happening?" "We have a request." "Yeah, it's more of a favor." "[sighs]" "Will you father our child?" "What?" "[chuckles]" "We're trying to conceive, and we want you to be the sperm donor." "Why me?" "You know me." "I have problems." "No, you have the qualities that we would like in a biological father." "You're artistic and smart." "You have a great head of hair for a guy your age." "Which would be great if we had a boy." "Oh, my God." "A boy." "And it would really piss off my racist mother if her grandchild was part Jewish." "Mm." "[exhales sharply] [chuckling] Okay, so they want you to father their child?" "No, it's... it's not "fathering." I don't have to father." "I just have to donate." "I'm a donor." "Marc, that is crazy." "Well, what can I tell you?" "Crazy seems to find me." "Yeah, and crazy wants you to give it your sperm now." "But... b-but wait, is it that crazy?" "Yes." "Do they know you at all?" "I mean, have they met your parents?" "I think your genetic line should probably stop here." "Why?" "I mean, I have good qualities." "Come on, Whitney." "I mean, I'm artistic." "I'm smart." "I have a... a nice hairline for a guy my age." "Yeah, but there's something that doesn't, like, smell right about it." "You know?" "I mean, there's... there's got to be something more complicated going on." "Like, you don't know why they're having kids." "They... you know, they live down the street from you." "That's weird." "Wait a minute." "Are you projecting?" "Do you want to have my baby?" "Look, I would call this all off if you would just agree to have my baby." "I think there are enough monsters in the world already, Marc." "No, Whitney, there's never enough monsters in the world." "[chuckles] [water running]" "[sizzling]" "[blues music playing]" "♪ I remember ♪" "♪ When I was just a bad little boy ♪" "♪ My mama used to tell me, son... ♪" "♪ You're gonna reap just what you sow ♪" "Okay." "Well, I've thought about this long and hard, and I-I think that, um, you know," "I don't want to live my life without giving something to the next generation." "I think you two will be great parents." "You'll raise the kid right." "You'll give it a good home." "So..." " Thank you." " Oh, man, that's so sweet, really." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Mm." "So, all right." "Let's..." "let's do this." "Great." "Um, so, just sign these papers." " Yeah." " Mm." " Right...?" " Yeah, right there." "And we'll just get that notarized, and..." "Oh!" "There it is." "[sighing] Okay." "Hey." "Come on in." "Okay." "I, uh..." "I didn't know what protocol was." "Uh, should I have brought flowers or a bottle of wine or something?" "I've never done this before." " No, you didn't have to bring anything." " Okay." "How are you feeling about this?" "I feel great." "I've, uh..." "I've held back for, like, two days." "I haven't gone that long without an orgasm in like two decades." " Yeah." " Wait." "H-How are we doing this?" "We're doing a home-insemination kit." " Oh." "Oh." " Yeah." "It's right over here." "Will that work?" "I hope so." "[chuckles]" "We decided fertility doctors are too expensive." "Yeah, and, um... th-this kit has, uh, 4 1/2 stars on Amazon." "That's a good rating." "I have a..." "I have a blender with that rating, and it's great." "I-I'm very happy with it." "Great." "Oh, and you got the Fun Pack." "I haven't seen one of those in a long time." "When I was 11, uh, me and my friends stole one of those from a Circle K." "It was a... it was a big day." "We learned a lot." " I don't know what you're into..." " Mm." "...but there should be something in there that'll work." " Mm... yeah." " Yeah?" "Or, uh, you could borrow a laptop." "Ooh." "Maybe if I borrowed your laptop." "Do you have stuff bookmarked, 'cause that might be fun for me." " You know?" " Uh, we... we like guy-on-guy." "Oh." "Uh, well, who would have thought that?" "I..." "No, I'm good without that." "Um, n-no." "Okay, well, then, uh, just wank off into that, and we'll take it from there." " Okay." " And you can, uh..." "You know what?" "I-I think I'm good, actually." "I think I'm just gonna go with, uh, what I got in my head..." "old school." " Gonna use my fantasies." " Okay." " Got a lot up there." " Oh, yeah, you do." "I still got my mom's friends from high school in... in there..." "All right." "I'm gonna..." "Okay." "[spits] [faint indistinct conversation]" "ZOE:" "I can't believe you're bringing this up again." " We have a plan." " SHAY:" "You're so selfish." "Do you want this to work, or not?" "Of course I want it to work!" "And do you want to draw it out forever, or do you want to just get it over with?" "Okay!" "Fine!" "[footsteps] [knock on door]" "Hello?" "Uh, you didn't finish, did you?" "No." "Just getting warmed up." "Okay." "Uh, great." "We just want to talk to you for a second, if you wouldn't mind coming out." "Please wash your hands." "What's up?" "Uh, so, we discussed it, and we have a new strategy." "Yeah?" "We want to..." "conceive naturally." "What do you mean?" "Um, the old-fashioned way." "Oh, so you want me to have sex with...?" "With her." "The odds are just so much better that way." "Unless you don't want to have sex." "No, no." "I-I'll have sex." "When do you want to do this?" " [breathing heavily] - [mattress creaking]" "So, uh, do you want a boy or girl?" "Um, I don't know." "Why?" "Well, I could..." "I could angle it." " Oh." " It's a joke." "It's a joke." "[sighs]" "Um, s-sorry." "How long do you think this is gonna take?" "It takes longer when it's weird." " Yeah, I understand." " Yeah." "[clears throat]" "Hey, could I... could I maybe take my shirt off so it's a little more casual?" "No." "I-I'm not comfortable with that." "All right." "Okay." "Have you guys seen, uh, "Handmaid's Tale"?" " SHAY:" "Uh, no." "No." " I don't think so." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah." "It's gonna be okay." "Y-You're gonna be okay." "Yeah, I just didn't expect it to feel like this." "Okay, okay." "Stop talking, so I can focus, please." "All right." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Oh, God!" "Oh, no!" "Oh, why isn't this any fun?" "This is usually always fun." "Um...?" "Um...?" "[weakly] It's done." "You can get off her." " Okay." " Just, uh..." "You got it in, though, yeah?" " Oh, yeah." " Okay." "[indistinct conversation]" "Oh, Marc." "What's up, man?" "What's up?" "So glad you could make it!" " Sure, buddy." " Come meet my lady love." "Hi." " Louise." " Oh." " Marc." "Marc, Louise." " Hi." "Hi." "Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " Okay." "Some of the guys from my sketch group are here." "I'll be right back." " Okay." " Huh." "Uh..." "So, uh, it's a pretty cool show." "Thanks." "Yeah, me and my friends worked hard to get it open in time." "Yeah." "Well, I mean, I can tell this guy kind of wants to be Mark Grotjahn, right?" "Oh." "Um, I don't see it." "Really?" "I bet if you asked the guy that painted that, he would tell you as much." "Um, I'm..." "I'm actually the guy who painted it." "No." "Oh, my God." "I'm sorry." "I'm embarrassed." "No, don't be embarrassed." "You know what?" "'Cause, if I..." "if I squint, then I can kind of see what you mean." "You know?" "Okay, well, that is the sign of any good piece of art." " It is, right?" " Yeah, absolutely." "A lot of people don't know that," " but, yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah?" " [chuckling] Okay." " [chuckles]" "You and Kyle?" "Yes." "Me and Kyle." "Well..." "Kyle?" "Yeah." "Kyle." "Yeah." "I don't see it." "Uh, maybe if I squint." " I don't know." " [cell phone chimes]" "Oh." "Oh." "I got to, uh..." "I got to go." " Okay." " It was nice meeting you." " Nice meeting you." " Okay." " KYLE:" "Louise, watch." " Okay." "I'm, like, super-close here." "[grunts] [sighs] I feel like Woody Harrelson." " Oh." "Right." " "Hunger Games."" "That's good." "What do you think that is?" "Like 14 feet?" "There's an emergency?" "I am at the optimal body temperature for ovulation." " What does that mean?" " It means we need to have sex again." " Let's get in the bedroom." " Wait!" "Where's Zoe?" " She's out with her co-workers." " And she's okay with this?" "If I'm okay, she's okay." " Are you sure?" " She's fine with it." "Oh, you can take your shirt off this time." "Oh." "Oh." "Okay." "All right." "Don't you have your own house?" " Sorry." " Hi, Marc." "Hi." "Um, I just came by so that you could autograph those coop show posters for the charity auction, and then..." "I mean, can you blame me?" "Okay." "All right." "Well, get them." "I'll sign them." "Oh." "Um, I got to find them, and then..." "A little more." " Okay." " [both chuckle]" "I just got something... [laughs]" "Hey, I, uh..." "I'm sorry about last night." "I think I said your work was derivative." "Oh." "You compared my work to Mark Grotjahn." "That's a compliment." "At least you didn't accuse me of trying to rip off Leroy Neiman." " [chuckles] That's true." " Yeah." "But could you do a portrait of me that would be suitable for a Burger King cup?" "Oh, I mean, I could try." "Mm-hmm." "Okay." "Marc, if you will just go ahead and s..." " It's empty." " It's empty." "Aw, Kyle." "[chuckles]" " I'll be right back." " Okay." " Bye, Lou Lou." " Bye." " [chuckles]" " All right." "What's the deal with you two?" "What do you mean?" "Well, I mean, w-what do you see in him?" "What's really going on here?" "When you date a younger woman, do you have ulterior motives?" "Probably." "Sometimes." "But, I mean, it's Kyle." "It's just... it's weird." "He's cute." "He makes me laugh." "It hasn't been so easy for me the last few years." "Um..." "I just want to have fun." "It's lonely out there." " Yeah." "Yeah, I get that." " Yeah." "[banging on door]" "If you're going to have sex with my wife," "I'd appreciate it if I was there when it happened." "[door slams]" "Wow." "And you think my situation is weird?" "Hey!" "It's Marc Maron." " [indistinct arguing]" " I'm coming in." " ZOE:" "Money?" "!" " Do you think that I actually enjoyed..." " Marc!" "Oh, my... you shouldn't be here." " Look, let's talk about this." "No, you and I did talk!" "That's all that needed to be said!" "I didn't do anything wrong." "Look, I said it wasn't his fault." "I told him you were fine with it." "All right, let me..." "let me talk, all right?" "We should have just set some guidelines for how and when I could have sex with your wife." " Right." " Yeah, because that was really messed up!" " Look!" "I just want to get pregnant!" " No!" "Like, do you think I enjoyed it?" "It was tedious." " She did not enjoy it a-at all." " He took his shirt off!" " Yeah, well..." " Do you even want to get pregnant?" "Uh, yeah." "Probably." "It could be..." "good for us." "That is not a good reason to have a baby." " Shut up!" " Shut up!" "What do you mean "probably"?" "I'm having sex with this, and you're ambivalent?" "Y-You know what? "This" has a name." "My name is Marc." " Shut up!" " Shut up!" "I drove across the country to be with you!" "And I'm the only one in this relationship that's doing any work!" "Well, I think you just want to have this baby so that I'll stick around." "And if I didn't, would you?" "I don't know." "You don't know?" "All right, okay." "Look, look, look, look, look." "Listen, listen." "You guys came to me because you needed help." "This stuff has nothing to do with me." "A-A-And you have issues you got to work out, all right?" "You guys are the worst potential parents I have seen since, I don't know, my parents." "Get out of our house." "I'm leaving, lady." "Faster!" " Out of this house." " Oh." "Let's face it, folks." "Nobody wants to be alone, right?" "And I think most of us would do some pretty drastic stuff to keep our relationships together, even if all signs point to that being a bad idea." "Just..." "It's our nature." "We're people." "Even my parents..." "my parents had me to try to salvage their disintegrating relationship." "Look, I-I don't know where I'm going with this, folks, but, uh, I will say this." "Don't ask your neighbor for his sperm if you're trying to have a baby to keep your relationship together." "All right?" "That's all I'm saying." "That is some of the weirdest, most specific advice" "I've given on this show." "[children shouting indistinctly]" "So it's over?" "She moved out." "That sucks, man." "I haven't been alone in forever." "You'll get used to it." "I just don't know how to start again." "Well, you got a cat, right?" "That's a... that's a pretty good starting place." "Oh, God." "I hope we don't have a kid out there." "Who's "we"?" "[sighs]"