"The Free Exchange Hotel" "A comedy in 3 acts by Georges Feydeau and Maurice Desvallières" "With the hosts and journalists of France 2" "What rotten weather!" "This is no weather for a businessman to be out in." "That suits me just fine." "I have work to do." "It's raining, shepherdess" "Bring in your white sheep" "Pinglet!" "Here comes my Angélique" "My tailor is here." "Now that's good news" "Stop working when I'm talking to you." "It's an urgent matter for a house" "I'm building with our friend, Paillardin." "The house can wait." "Very well, my dear." "I can't decide between these two fabric samples." "Which one should I choose?" " Is it for a chair?" " No." "A dress." " I like this one." " Very well." "I'll take the other one." "Then why did you even ask me?" "Since you have no taste," "I know which one not to choose." "Charming!" "What a sweety." " Go on, get to work!" " Yes!" "Angélique!" "I don't have a wife, I have a hall monitor." "And to think I married her 20 years ago, for love, despite my family." "If you could see a woman 20 years later, you wouldn't marry her 20 years earlier." "Mrs. Paillardin!" "Hello, my dear Pinglet." "I know, I'm in my dressing gown." "Yes, but that's the benefit of being neighbors." "When we live next to one another, we should at least be able to visit without formality." "That's what I was thinking." " Is your wife here?" " Yes." "She's with her tailor." " How is Mr. Paillardin?" " I don't know." " What's wrong?" " Nothing, nothing." "Yes, your eyes are red." "It's always the same thing." "A fight with my husband." "You poor thing." "Was he aggressive?" ""Aggressive?" No!" "If he were aggressive, maybe there'd be hope." "But he cares as much about me as a pair of old slippers." "I don't want to talk about it." " I'm going to find your wife." " Yes." "She's in there." "I'm going to give Paillardin a talking to." "Oh no, please." "Don't breathe a word of this to him." "What do you expect?" "You can't ask a one-armed man to play the violin." "Oh, my God!" "That woman!" "If she hadn't married such a bump on a log..." "I can say that." "He's a close friend." "But if he weren't my close friend..." "What did that bump Paillardin put in my blueprint?" "He thinks millstone can support this building." "He's crazy!" "Millstone!" "Can you imagine?" "That's architects for you." "He has a pretty wife, though." "Hello, Pinglet." "Is this a bad time?" "Not at all." "I'm glad you're here." "What did you put in your blueprint?" "You want to use millstone to hold up that kind of weight?" "You're crazy!" " What would you use?" " Granite." ""Granite!" Do you know how much granite costs?" "Then use lias, limestone or freestone!" "Too heavy." "And give it a rest!" "You sound like a dictionary." "Use whatever you want, as long as it holds up." "Of course, "as long as it holds up."" "That's architects for you." "If we businessmen weren't here..." "All right, all right!" " Is my wife here?" " Yes." "She's with mine." "By the way, what did you do to your wife this time?" " Did she say something?" " No." "I only had to look at her." "Don't start with me." "She's unbearable." "I do everything to make her happy." "I don't have a mistress." "What does she want from me?" "You're only doing what you're supposed to!" "But I do it!" "And that's not enough for her." "She thinks I'm not tender enough." "Well, are you?" "We have to be tender with our wives now?" " Are you tender with yours?" " My marriage has aged 20 years." " That's a good thing." " For a wine, not for a woman." "What can I say?" "Mine has turned to vinegar." "Well, I can't say the same for my wife." "But if after 5 years of marriage, you still have to keep up with all those formalities, then no, thank you." "If you have to get married to..." "You might as well take a mistress." " What an attitude!" " What can I say?" "I come home at night and I'm exhausted." "So I lie down and fall asleep." "My wife doesn't understand." "She calls it "a lack of respect."" "That's one word for it." "I've never been a playboy." "That's why I got married." " It just wasn't in me." " Oh, I see!" "You're more like an ice cube." " Why?" "Are you more hot-blooded?" " Me?" "You don't know me." "There's lava inside me." "Boiling hot lava." "I just don't have a crater." "You do look like a volcano!" "More than you, at any rate." " What do you know?" " You don't have any lava." "And a volcano without lava is not a volcano." "It's a mountain... with a hole." "Can you lend me your maid?" "My maid?" "What for?" "Don't be an idiot." "It's for my nephew, Maxime." "Now that's dirty!" "Your jokes are getting old." "He's not looking for hanky-panky." "He's a bookworm who only cares about reading philosophy." "At his age?" "What will he do when he's old?" "Tonight he's going back to Stanislas High School, but I don't have anyone to take him." "OK, I get it." "Why don't you take him yourself?" "I don't have time." "I'm busy all day." "I'm spending the night in town." " Alone." " That makes more sense." "I have to spend the night in a horrible little hotel." "They claim it's haunted by poltergeists." " That's just a joke." " That's what I think too." "When it comes to poltergeists," "I'd have to see it to believe it." "My mind is made up:" "it's coming from the pipes." "Obviously!" "Since the court appointed me an expert witness," "I have to spend the night there to make sure." "May the ghosts be only gas from broken pipes." "Amen!" "But that won't help matters with your wife." "Don't start." "She's been going on about it all morning." "She should understand that I'm an architect before a husband." "I have no advice for you, but you're playing a dangerous game." "Wives - especially yours - are... emotional creatures." "If your wife found a replacement, you couldn't blame her." "My wife, cheat on me?" "You don't just take a lover." "That's only in the theatre." "You think so?" "My friend, if your wife cheated on you, I'd die laughing." "Especially if it was with me." "Look who it is!" " Hello, Maxime." " Hello, Uncle." "Hello, Mr. Pinglet." "I think I left a Descartes that I just bought." ""Deck art?"" "Not art, Mr. Pinglet." "A book by Descartes, the philosopher." "Yes, I got it." "But I don't have that either." "I needed it." "I've almost finished his treatise on passions." " Is this the treatise on passions?" " And how to use them?" "No, sir!" "Please, don't get the kid worked up." "I'm not." "I'm just asking a question." "Generally, a treatise..." "Take the treatise on billiards." "It's meant to teach you how to play." "Sir!" " Your wife is asking for you." " What is it?" " Your wife is asking for you." " What's new." "She's trying on clothes with her tailor and she wants your opinion." "But she doesn't take my advice!" "She doesn't take it!" "All right, I'm going." "Oh, Victoire." "Tonight you're taking Mr. Maxime to Stanislas High School." "Me, sir?" "Oh!" "I'd love to!" "I didn't ask if you'd love to." "I said, "You will take him." What time?" " I have to be back at 9 pm." " 9 pm." " Did you hear that?" " Yes, sir." " Thank you." " No problem." "Pinglet!" "There goes the other one." "What a plague!" "Paillardin, come watch my wife try on clothes." "It'll be fun." "Why isn't Mr. Moulineau here to do the alterations?" "The tailor sends his apologies." "He had to go to the country and sent me instead." "This coat looks awful." "It bunches." "Yes!" "It bunches quite a bit!" "Yes." "It's much too big." "You must have cut it." "I want Moulineau to make my things!" "You have to recut it." " Me?" " Yes, you." "Now!" "I'm in a hurry." " I have to cut it?" " Yes!" "What are you waiting for?" "Me?" "Nothing." "I have to cut it!" "Wait!" " What are you doing?" " You wanted me to cut it!" "Not on me!" "You saw what you have to do, now go do it!" "What an idiot!" "I'm here, my angel!" "Too late, Pinglet." "I don't need your advice now." ""Love is an emotion of the soul caused by the motion of the spirits," ""which impels the soul to join itself willingly to objects" ""that appear to be agreeable to it."" "Exactly!" " Well, Mr. Maxime?" " Miss?" " What are you doing?" " Studying love." "Oh, I see." "In that position?" "If you like, I can help you practice." "How?" "Have you read of love?" "Like everyone!" "In Descartes?" "No." "In tea leaves." "Tell me, Mr. Maxime, don't you want me to help you practice?" "You're tickling me." " Does it bother you?" " No, but you're tickling me." "I can't think about love with a woman right next to me." "I've never heard that before." ""It is frequent to distinguish love from benevolence" ""and concupiscence." ""The passions of a man for his mistress" ""and a father for his children" ""are in themselves very different."" " That feels nice." " Oh, baby, baby, baby!" "Please, miss." "Scratch, but don't talk." "Yes, Mr. Maxime." "Has anyone ever told you you're a handsome young man?" "Me?" "I don't know." " Oh, yes." "One time." " Ah!" "A photographer." "I ordered a dozen portraits." "He said, "You're such a handsome young man." ""Get three dozen."" "So I did." "But that wasn't a woman." "No, a businessman." ""Benevolence love concupiscence are quite different." ""The passions of a man for his mistress and..."" " What is it?" " Nothing." "If you wouldn't mind..." "Really?" "Then no." "Go ask Descartes." "But he doesn't say anything about that!" "Does a young man really need to learn about love from a book?" "It's like people who learn to swim on folding chairs." "They can't do a thing in the water." "Come on!" "Put the book down!" "What's wrong with her?" "And now..." "Must you be all buttoned-up like this?" "And these ugly glasses!" "Can you see just as well?" "Yes." "I can even see better." "And this hair!" "When nature has given you such good looks, how can you make yourself ugly like this?" "That feels nice." "Baby, baby, baby!" "Oh!" "That's the spot." "Well, well!" "Come here!" "Come here, Mr. Maxime!" "Look." "Don't you think you look better?" "Oh, yes." "I do look better." "Well of course!" "There's no denying, I really look... much better." ""Because admitting to himself that he and they make but one," ""he oft-times prefers their interests before his own..."" " Mr. Maxime..." " Goodbye, miss." " Goodbye, sir." " Miss." "Incredible!" "He's got the libido of a turnip!" ""The affections which men of honor bear to their friends" ""is of this very same nature."" "My dear, what is it?" "You're making my life miserable." "What will you say when you've been married 20 years?" " I've made you very happy." " So have I." ""Happy?" Tell me how!" "I will!" "You haven't made me happy!" " Yes, I've made you happy!" " No!" " Yes!" " No!" "No, no, no!" "I can't work in these conditions!" "I'm leaving." "Why did I marry him?" "Does he act like a husband should?" "He thinks I married him to keep house." "That I'm good for nothing but that." "Nothing!" "He dismisses me." "He ignores me." "What?" "He ignores you?" "That's terrible!" "No!" "She's exaggerating!" "Mr. Pinglet and I have been married 20 years." "And if he ever dared ignore me..." "No way!" "No way!" " What?" "Really?" " She's just showing off." "You don't want me to go confirm my expert opinion tonight?" "Yes, go ahead." "Here or there, it doesn't matter." "The same old tune." "This isn't what I thought marriage would be like." "It's not easy being an honest woman with you." "Don't start with that again!" "She's right." "Don't you get involved now too." "Be careful I don't get the idea of going to look elsewhere for the happiness you don't give me at home." " You?" " Why not?" "Uglier women than me have found men to comfort them." "That's right!" "If I wanted to..." "I know people." "Then go find your people." " Go find them!" " Paillardin!" "Don't push her!" "She's pushing me!" "Let her find a man to comfort her." "That's all I ask." "She can find one, and he can keep her!" "Oh!" "Mr. Pinglet!" "That's crazy!" "He's crazy!" "You're crazy!" "So is that how it is?" " If that's how you want it!" " Indeed." "Good day." "Paillardin!" "Go to her." "Me?" "Oh, no." "Paillardin!" "Paillardin!" "You're making a big mistake!" "Henri!" "You're making... a big mistake." "Do you see how my husband talks to me?" "Marcelle!" " I love you!" " What?" "Oh, no!" "He's so stupid." "I told him everything there was to tell him." " Yes." " I did my duty as a friend." "Yes." "I told him he was making a mistake, and he went right on." "Too bad for him." "I remember only one thing." "When you threatened to find someone to comfort you, he said, "Go ahead."" "If you have any character at all, you should find that someone to comfort you." "Oh!" "Come on!" "Yes!" "You're right." "Don't tell me you don't have anyone at hand." "I'm here." " You?" " Yes, me!" "We've been insulted." "I'll challenge that insult." "You were challenged to take a lover, so I'll take that challenge!" " I'll be your lover." " You?" "Yes!" "I cannot stand, I cannot allow, a woman to be insulted in my presence!" "Come on!" "And God..." "As God is my witness, it pains me to have to take such extreme measures against my dear friend." "It pains me terribly." "But friends don't matter." "Friends don't matter." "For me, what matters is being a knight in shining armor!" "Marcelle..." "Marcelle, I love you!" "Are you insane?" "Pinglet!" "What about my duty?" "Oh!" "Marcelle!" "Marcelle!" "What about me?" "Am I not forgetting my duty?" "What about Mrs. Pinglet?" "But I'm still doing it, because this is a higher duty!" "We were insulted, and when you insult a man, he has no more wife or children." " Let's march on!" " All right." " Let's march on." " How?" " Together." "Let's go!" " Pinglet, I can't!" "Marcelle, are you wavering?" "Oh, no!" "No pusi..." "No pusi..." "No pusillanimity!" "Gee, that's hard to say!" "Have you forgotten how he insulted you in front of everyone?" "Oh, no!" "When I think that he has the prettiest wife one could ever dream of, and he leaves her like this, in a corner, fallow, on the shelf!" "That's my handkerchief." "He doesn't love you!" "He's got no fire in him!" "And his name is Paillardin!" "Liar!" "Come on." "We have to take our vengeance." " Let's make it big and sensational!" " Oh, yes..." "Yes!" "You're right." "Thank you for showing me my duty." "Oh, Marcelle!" "You'll see that I'm a different man than him." "You'll see how tender, loving, and worthy of you I am!" "Finally!" "Pinglet, you're ugly, but you can speak to a woman's heart." "Thank you, Marcelle." "Thank you." "An hour ago, if you'd said all this to me," "I'd have pushed you away in horror." "How wonderful to have a psychological breakthrough." "Now I say," ""Speak, Pinglet." "Order and I will obey."" "Oh, Marcelle!" "I must be dreaming." "Pinglet!" "Now back to reality." "We have no time to waste." "My wife is here." "Your husband's gone, and you're free." "Now I'll free myself." " I'll come find you and we'll go..." " Where?" "I don't know you." "I'll find something and let you know." "Then we will take our vengeance!" "Shh!" "My wife." "Your friend Paillardin is a real gentleman!" "Why?" "When I, a kindly soul, out of friendship for you, Marcelle, tried to patch things up, he said," ""Leave me alone!" "Mind your own business!"" " That doesn't surprise me." " That's not very nice." "Indeed." " He said that to you?" " Yes." "His elder?" "That's not why!" "I'm sorry you have a husband like yours." "Oh!" "Him too..." " What?" " Nothing." "If Mr. Pinglet ever dared..." "Me?" "Oh, it wouldn't last long!" " What would you do?" " Me?" "I'd take a lover." "Angélique, you wouldn't!" "Yes, I would!" "I'd love to see that." "Madam!" "There's a dress here for Mrs. Paillardin." "Yes!" "I just had it made." " Will you excuse me?" " Of course!" "Goodbye." "Goodbye." " Goodbye, you." " Goodbye." " Are we agreed?" " Yes." "This is what he wanted!" " Here's the mail." " Good." "Give it to me." "Now, where might I find a secret, mysterious little love nest?" "Oh, how silly of me!" "In the phone book." "Keep it down." "Victoire, I won't be eating here tonight." "She's not eating here!" "Perfect." "You're not eating here?" "Where are you eating?" "At my sister's." "She's not feeling better." "If I don't come home, that means she's worse." " I'll spend the night with her." " Perfect." "Victoire, you'll only need to make dinner for my husband." " Very well, madam." " Now, let's see the hotels." "H..." "Oh, look!" "My milliner sent me a bill." "Here it is!" " What?" "What is it?" " What?" "Nothing." "I said, "Your milliner sent you a bill."" "I know." "I just told you that." "Really?" "Yes." "You say some stupid things sometimes." "Yes." "My dear, you're right." ""Thermidor Hotel," no." ""The Penguin and His Beloved," no." "What?" "What is it?" " Why would they send me this?" " What is it?" "Hotel brochures!" ""Hotel brochures..."" "Listen to this:" ""Security and discretion," ""Free Exchange Hotel," ""220 Rue de Provence." ""Recommended for married couples..." ""together or separately!"" ""Married couples together or separately?"" " It says that?" " Yes!" "Look." "You're right!" "It's a hotel for fooling around." "Absolutely!" "That's exactly what I need." ""Rooms at every price."" ""Significant discount for a 12-night stay!"" " That's obscene!" " That's one word for it!" "I'll take 12 nights." "Who do they think I am, sending me such brochures?" "Madam, a man is here to see Mr. and Mrs. Pinglet." " A man?" "Who?" " Here's his card." ""Mr. Mathieu." Benoît, it's our friend Mathieu!" "Mathieu?" "Did he leave Valenciennes?" " Victoire, show him up." " Very well, sir." "Clean up these papers first." "Yes, madam." "Oh, what are these?" "Hotel brochures!" " Hurry up, Victoire!" " Yes, madam." "Mathieu is here!" "Our dear friend!" "I'll be so happy to see him." "He so graciously hosted us for 2 weeks in Valenciennes." "He's so likable, and he speaks so well." "He'd better." "He's a lawyer." "There he is!" "What a nice surprise!" " How nice of you to come." " Have a seat." "Give me your umbrella." "Poor Mathieu is soaked." "My... my friends, I'm..." "I'm ha..." "I'm ha..." "What?" "I..." "I said I'm ha... happy to see you." "Calm down, Mathieu." "But I am caca... caca..." "What's wrong with him?" "You..." "You weren't expecting to see me." "Oh, he's got a problem." "Did something happen to you?" "Wh..." "Why?" "Because it seems" " though it's barely noticeable - that you're having some trouble speaking." "This summer, when we stayed with you for 2 weeks, we didn't notice anything." "Quite the contrary." "Oh!" "This summer, during those tw... tw... tw... two weeks, the weather was su... su..." "That's right!" "The weather was su..." "Hang on!" "I'm not finished!" "The weather was su..." "The weather was su..." " The weather was superb!" " Oh!" "And when the weather is su..." "Perb!" "I speak like everyone else." "I see." "But when, like today, it's raining bu..." "bu... bu..." " Buttons!" " No." "Buckets." "Same thing." "Take your time." "My stu..." "My stu..." " Your students?" " I didn't know he was a teacher!" "Take your time." "We understand." "My stuttering comes back." "How strange!" "That way you always have a barometer on you." "And when it... it storms, not a word." "Mute." "It's..." "It's very di..." " Difficult!" " No." "No." "Yes!" "I understand." "Detrimental for my career." "Oh!" "Detrimental for your career." "That's not..." "Yes, for a lawyer!" "How do you argue your cases?" "I ask to postpone the trial for... for a week." "Ah..." "I ask..." "And when..." "and when it's..." "Then it's" "A dead loss!" "Mathieu, it was so nice of you to come." "You just arrived, and we're the 1st people you visit." "My dear ass..." " My dear ass..." " What's he saying?" "My dear associate, there's nowhere else I'd rather be." "Oh, that's better!" "Oh, dear Mathieu." "Always a kind word." "And you... you're not get... get... get..." "getting off that easy." "Because..." "I haven't forgotten what you said this... this summer:" ""If you're ever in Papa... in Pa..." ""in Paris..." ""you can't stay anywhere but..."" " Here." " No. "With us."" " What a pleasant surprise." "Yes." "Stay as long as you like." "2 days, 3 days..." "You'll stay 3 days, won't you?" " No." " Yes, please!" "To make us happy." " No." " Mathieu, I'm going to get upset." "No." "A month!" "That's so nice, so nice..." "So I've come to informally ask for a little hos... hos..." " A hospital?" "No, I'm asking for a little hospitality." "We're as kind as can be!" "But a month..." "That's too much." "Yes, it's too much." "No, it's not!" "We're very happy." "Yes!" "Very happy!" "A month is a long time." "We only stayed 2 weeks." "Yes, but for 2 of us, it evens out." "Tell me..." "I..." "I'm not bothering you, am I?" "Not at all!" "We have plenty of space here for guests." "And you don't take up any space." "You showed up alone with just a suitcase." "Yes!" "I have a... a... a... surprise for you." "Oh, my dear Mathieu!" "Angélique, he has a surprise for us." "A surprise?" "How sweet." "Madam, they're bringing up a trunk." " Ah!" "That's mine." " Is that..." "Is that your luggage?" "Here's..." " Here's the package." " Can you poopoo..." " Poopoo?" "What?" " Put it there." " "Put it there?"" " Yes." "The gentleman said to put it there, so put it there." "He said it clearly." "How much do I owe you?" "One franc." "My God, what an enormous trunk you have!" "Yes." "It's colossal." "We'll have it brought up to your room." "This way!" "Madam, more delivery men with trunks." "Those are mine!" "1, 2, 3, 4!" "Oh, how frightening!" "And... and... and..." "And that's just the start of the surprise." "This is insane!" "Mathieu, you're too much." "What could he have for us in all these trunks?" "It must be big, because it took 4 trunks." "Pinglet, I don't have... change." "Could... you... give fo... fo... four francs to these de...de..." "Livery men?" " Thank you." " Thank you." "De... de..." "Livery men!" "Yes, we got it." "It's done." "Gentlemen, go into the kitchen and tell them to give you each a glass of wine." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Of the 4 trunks, 3 surprises." "They live large in the country!" " Let's open those trunks now." " Why?" "To see the surprise." "Oh, no, no, no..." "You're building the suspense." "You'll see it la..." "la..." "Later!" "Ah!" "You missed." "Now I know to get out of the way." "He's baiting our curiosity?" "Then we'll wait." "But I can already tell you we're truly grateful." "I've met some generous people, but for that generosity to be so immeas..." "So immeas..." " Immeas..." " Immeasurable." "Well done." "I never stutter for others." "Madam, some ladies have just arrived." "Ah, they're here!" "Show them up." "Very well, sir." "That's..." "That's the..." "That's the su..." "That's the surprise!" " What?" " Yes!" "You..." "You never met my daughters." "No." "When you came this summer," "I was... by myself, because since the death of poor Mrs. Mathieu, 8 years... ago..." "What?" "They've been at boarding school." "The school is closed, because... because... a lot of the girls had mums." "They usually do." "They had... had... mu..." "Mumps." "So?" "So, I thought," ""They haven't met my daughters." Right?" ""So I'll surprise them and bring them with me."" "What?" "So I came first to tell you the good news." " That's the surprise?" " Yes." " And these trunks?" " Those are my daughters' trunks." "I see..." "Ah, here they are!" "Come up here, children!" "Come quick, come quick!" "What?" "There are 3 of them?" "These are my chil... my chil..." "Dren!" "I've often talked to you about my friends the Pin..." "Pin..." "Glets!" " Go say hello." " Oh, Mrs. and Mr. Pinglet!" "No, no, no!" "That's enough!" "They're like a swarm of locusts!" "We didn't think you had that many daughters!" "What are you going to do with them?" "Are you taking them to another boarding school today?" "No." "I'll wait until the mumps epidemic is over." "Yes." "But where will they stay?" "Here." "Oh, no!" "But you said..." "I said you could visit, but..." "That's just something you say to be polite." "Ah." "You took me at my word." "You came, which was fine, but if you're here as a group, then no!" "But my friend..." "Do you think these are military barracks?" "If they were barracks, I wouldn't bring my daughters." "My word, he's amazing." "He's amazing." "He thinks we're here to take in lodgers." "But the country isn't like Paris." "He doesn't get it." "This is your fault." "If you hadn't gone and invited him..." "I'm the one who invited him?" "That's rich!" "You're the one who told me," ""We spent 2 weeks here, we have to invite him."" "Yes, I said that!" "But I didn't think he'd accept!" "It's not my fault he accepted!" "Yes, it is!" "You could've just invited him once." "But no." "You had to insist." "So this poor man thought he was obligated to come." "That's right, forgive him!" "Yes." "It would've surprised me if it wasn't my fault." "Yes." "If I'm... understanding correctly, we have to leave." "Obviously, because I don't have room to house you all." "Well, then..." "Come along... my poor children." "And thank Mr. and Mrs. Pinglet for their warm welcome." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you, madam." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you, madam." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you, madam." "Let's just forget it." "Angélique, go to the kitchen and see if the delivery men are still there and ask them to take away these trunks." "I'm going." "What are all these trunks for?" "I was just about to ask for them to be brought down." "Oh, madam." "Mr. Mathieu, a dear friend I've often told you about, and his children." "Mrs. Paillardin." " I found it." "Are you sure?" " Sure." " If I knew where to go..." " I'll be right with you." "If I had the address of a hotel..." "Where are we going?" "Free Exchange Hotel, 220 Rue de Provence." "Oh, thank you!" ""Free Exchange Hotel," ""220 Rue de Provence."" "Bye-bye!" "Go ahead." "Good-bye, sir." "Good-bye, ladies." "Good-bye, sir." "Good-bye, ladies." "Miss." "Good-bye, sir." "Good-bye, ladies." "Good-bye, girls." "Good-bye, Mrs. Paillardin." "Sir." "We'll go there." "Where?" "To the hotel." " Yes, go ahead." " I'll show you out." "Oh, Marcelle." "I'm so happy!" "Do you want to have dinner together tonight?" "Total vengeance?" "Fine." "I'd love to." "Go get ready." "I'll meet you in half an hour at the corner of Avenue du Bois and Rue de la Pompe." "Got it." " Are you leaving, my dear?" " Yes." "I have a little migraine." " Go take care of yourself." " Yes." "Victoire, put that there." " What's that?" " Your dinner." "Since Victoire has to take Maxime to Stanislas." " My dinner?" " Yes." "Go on, Victoire." " My dinner?" " Yes." "Uh, no." "After thinking it over, I won't be eating here." "You're going to your sister's." "I'll be all alone, so I'm going to have a nice meal at a restaurant." ""A restaurant?"" "A married man doesn't go to a restaurant without his wife." "What will they think of you at the restaurant?" "What do you think?" "The day you go to a restaurant, you're going with me." "And tonight, you're eating here!" "No!" "That's too much!" "You're really starting to get on my nerves!" "What did you say?" "I said... that I'm starting... to feel nervous." "And whether you like it or not," "I'm going to a restaurant tonight!" " No, you won't!" " Yes, I will!" " No, you won't!" " Yes, I will!" "We'll see about that!" "No, no!" "Let me go!" "Give me the key!" " Give me the key!" "Would you..." " No!" "No!" "Goodbye, Mr. Pinglet!" "See you tomorrow!" "The bedroom." "Mrs. Pinglet!" "She bolted the door!" "Oh, that harpy!" "Oh, that camel!" "But I have more than one trick up my sleeve." "Ladies' hands are wonderful" "They all look like" "Little jewels..." "One candle plus one candle, here... makes 4 candles." "That's right." "In the 15 years I've been here, in the 15 years I've managed the Free Exchange Hotel," "I've seen all kinds." "And thanks to this little candle-splitting technique," "I've made 6,000 francs." "No profit is too small." " Eugénie." " Sir?" "Eugénie." " Eugénie, for God's sake!" " Sir." "What are you doing?" "I'm finishing the room, sir." "You call that finishing a room?" " Yes, sir." " Is this bed made?" "It looks like people have been sleeping in it!" " More like a lady." " I'll have none of that!" "Are you giving me lip?" "I won't have it, Lisette." "This is not a disreputable hotel, after all!" "It's a proper establishment." "All of our guests are married." "Yes." "But not to each other." "What business is it of yours?" "They are married, because they're all married to their own spouses." "Hurry up and make this bed." " Quick!" " You're getting on my nerves!" "My God!" "My God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "What is it, Mr. Boulot?" " Oh, my God!" " You seem upset." "If you only knew what I just saw, Mr. Bastien." "I knocked like the man told me to, but it was disgusting..." " OK, I'll tell you." " Yes, tell me." "Room 32 called down." "I went up, knocked, someone said, "Come in," and I went in." "Who do I see?" "A..." "Oh, what's it called?" "Oh!" "A naked woman." "Oh, if that's all it was, that's nothing." "Mr. Bastien, she was naked!" "Stark naked!" "Yes, I get it." "OK!" "She said, "Young man, bring me some playing cards."" "Like that." "What would you have done?" ""Like that," I would've brought her the playing cards." "What, naked?" " I think so, yes." " You think that's normal?" "A naked woman is normal!" "Life in Paris is not like in the country." "Mr. Boulot, you'll have to get used to the city." "Eugénie, did you finish the room?" "Yes, sir." "I know." "A room is finished when you want it to be." "They're just going to undo everything I've done." "I can do without your thoughts, as deep as they are absurd." "Take that pile of sheets to the laundry." "Hurry." " Me?" " Yes, you." "I'm not going to do it." "Fine." "Eugénie, the bucket over there!" "What?" "It's empty." "That's no reason to leave it lying around for me and the guests to see." "What a tiresome job!" "Yes, it's a tiresome job, but it has to be done." "Mr. Boulot, go to room number 9." " Knock loud." "We have to get her out." " Very well, Mr. Bastien." "Number 9..." "Should I worry about what number 9 will be wearing?" "No!" "Number 9 is Ms. Charvet." "She's the mezzo soprano at the Comic Opera." "I got a message from the boss saying she stopped paying for her room, so we have to evict her but keep her suitcase." " I have to do it?" " I'm not going to do it." "Isn't Ms. Charvet the angry woman who's always threatening to stab you in the heart?" "Yes, but she does it in song." " What if she stabs me in the heart?" " Then you come tell me." "Get to work, Boulot!" "I hate these tasks!" "I hate these tasks!" "Come in!" "I'd rather go back to the naked lady's room." "These are first-timers." "I know it." " Hello, madam." " Hello, sir." " This is a very comfortable hotel." " With a very soft bed." "Sir!" "Sir, do you have..." "Yes!" "We do." "I know just what the two of you need." "A charming little love nest where the pretty lady will be comfortable." "She's very cute." "You have good taste, sir." "It's a proper room, I hope, because the lady is a woman of the world." "I can give you Room 22, sir." "And what about me?" "You must know who I am." "Must I, sir?" "Ernest!" "The Handsome Ernest!" "Everyone knows me." "The leading actor in Montmartre," "Batignolles and Belleville." "You're the Handsome Ernest?" "Sir, there are lots of beautiful women here who say wonderful things about you!" "Did you hear that, madam?" "She's a duchess." "Oh, madam!" "Madam!" "I have just the thing for you, sir." "A room where the crown princess of Poland spent her entire honeymoon with her chamberlain." "Madam will be right at home." "You can stand up." "Tell me." "That's nice and all, but this room 22 must be expensive." "The princess of Poland's room." " What does it matter?" " What does it matter?" " No." " Yes!" "I'm paying!" " I'm not leaving!" " Come on!" "What's that?" "Nothing." "A guest we're evicting." "I told you she'd stab me in the heart!" "She refuses to leave without her suitcase!" " She doesn't want to go?" " No!" " Well, she's going!" " I told you, no!" "Hey, Ms. Charvet!" "Ms. Charvet!" "What is it?" "You see these stairs?" " I'll leave when..." " No, Ms. Charvet!" "Take these stairs and get out of here now!" "I'll leave when I get my suitcase back!" "We'll give it to you when you pay!" "Oh, is that how it is?" "You haven't heard the last of me." "I have friends at the prefecture, and I'll tell them about this!" "We'll see if you're so clever when the police show up here!" " Not the police!" ""The police?"" "Yes." "You should see what goes on here." "You should see it!" "Hey!" "Are you finished?" "I'm not talking to you!" "I'm talking to these two!" "And this hotel, what a hotel!" "What a hotel!" "An old hovel with cracks everywhere." "With fleas!" ""Fleas?"" "No!" "We spray powder every day." "Let's talk about your powder!" "It makes the fleas stronger and suffocates the guests!" "And on top of that, the rooms are uninhabitable and haunted by ghosts." " Ghosts?" " That's enough out of you!" "In this room over here, there are ghosts that come every night." "They make noise, break everything, and turn everything upside-down." "So they turned it into the concierges' room." "But even the concierges won't sleep there anymore!" "How awful!" "It's not true, sir!" "Come on!" "They even had to ask an expert to come see." "Don't try to deny it!" " Where are we?" " Sir, you can forget about room 22." "Are you leaving?" " Yes." " No!" " Come, Duchess." "Come along." " Oh, yes!" "Oh, but..." "Sir!" "No!" "Sir!" "No!" "Are you satisfied?" "Yes!" "They're leaving." "Adio!" "They're leaving!" "And I'll follow their lead." "This won't be the last you hear of me." "Hey!" "This won't be the last you hear of me!" "This won't be the last you hear of me" "This won't be the last you hear of me" "Good riddance!" "Go get kicked out somewhere else!" "She just cost us 2 customers." "I don't care about the customers, Mr. Boulot." "They disgust me, to tell you the truth." "But I would've liked to see how a young leading actor woos a duchess." "See?" "You wouldn't have seen them." "Yes, I would." "Why not?" "Because they wouldn't have invited you." " I know that." " So?" "But I would've seen them anyway." " How?" " How?" "With this." " What's that?" " It's used for making holes." "When I see someone I like in a room..." "Sprouch!" "No!" "If you knew the number of beautiful Parisians who - sprouch" " I've seen." " Oh..." " Where is the concierge?" "Here, sir." "Are you expecting someone?" "I have just what you need:" "a charming little love nest where the pretty lady will be comfortable." "No, thank you." "I'm not expecting anyone." "I am Mr. Paillardin, the court-appointed expert witness." "Oh, yes." "For the haunted room." "It's a real curse, sir." "Mr. Boulot, go see what it is." "There's noise every night, awful noise!" "The walls crack, the furniture jumps..." "Yes, yes." "I came here to see for myself." "You don't have to tell me." "I'll see for myself." "Let's see this room." "It's over here." "Follow me, please." "I'll give you this candle." "Let's see this haunted room." "Here it is, sir." "I'd rather you sleep here than me." "It seems quiet for a room where ghosts are making noise." "It is quiet, sir." "At this time of day." "Yes." "The ghosts must be out." "At midnight, they're in here chatting away!" "We'll call them "the rowdy ghosts."" "The expert must be joking." "The expert will see." " Have a good night, sir." " Right." " Hello, madam." " Hello, gentlemen." " It's a very comfortable hotel." " With a soft bed." " So how much is it?" " What?" "Let's not mince words." "That's a waste of time!" "You're a woman with money." "I owe you something for your..." "trouble." "So how much?" "Well..." "You're a bit of a boor, you know." "You have a way..." "I'm not for sale, you know." " Oh really?" " No." "That's great." "Then let's go!" "Thank you very much." "Hey!" "Wait..." ""Wait" for what?" "I will accept a little gift." "It's not the same thing." "Ah!" "You'll "accept" one?" "Thank you." "What must the gentleman think?" "I'm from the south, you know." "Look!" "Here's 40 francs." ""40 francs?"" "Is that for the maid?" "I don't know." "It's for both of us." "What kindofa lady d'ya think I am, my big Paulo?" ""What kindofa lady d'ya think I am?"" "What kindofa person taught you to talk like that?" "He's mocking me." "What I mean is that you don't give 40 francs." "So name your price and let's get to it." "Who's talking about money?" "Come on, my big Paulo." "Come on, her big Paulo." "Oh, little lady!" "I hear noise up there." "Are the ghosts here yet?" "No, those are bureaucrats from the Ministry of Culture who don't have much to do, so they're having fun." " I'll go quiet them down." " Very good." "Go." "Now, let's see..." "My cigars and my brushes." "Are you done up there?" "I'm coming up!" "Concierge?" "Yes, sir." "Just a moment." "I have to handle something." "I'll be right back." " Hello, madam." " Hello, sir." " This is a very comfortable hotel." " With a very soft bed." "Just a minute." "He'll be with us in a minute." "This hotel is awful." "Where on earth did you find it?" "I think it's a nice, private hotel." "In a fancy hotel, someone might recognize us." "There's no chance we'll see anyone we know here." "You're right." "Bless you!" " Thank you!" " You're welcome!" "And the hotel doesn't matter." "It's the most beautiful luxury suite, because I'm here with you." "Here's the concierge." "I know just what the gentleman and the lady need." "A charming, cozy little love nest where the gentleman and the lady will be very comfortable." "The little lady is very pretty, sir." "Enough with the familiarities!" " First of all, she is my wife." " No!" " Yes!" " No!" " Yes!" " No!" "You're carrying the bags." "No!" "He's quite observant." "Do you have anything on this floor?" "I have room number 10, right across the hall." "It's a beautiful room." "It's where the crown princess of Poland spent her entire honeymoon with her chamberlain, sir." "Perfect!" "This is where the princess..." "Yes, I heard." "Here you are." "We have distinguished guests." "Here is a candle for you." "You'll be very comfortable here." "It's a very comfortable room, with an en-suite bathroom, which makes it extremely pleasant." "Very good, sir." "I'll take the room." "Yes, sir." "Good night, madam." "Good night, sir." " Marcelle!" " Shh!" "The concierge!" "I forgot the key, sir." "There you go." "Good night." "Is the expert leaving?" "Yes." "It's too early to go to bed." "I'm going out for a beer." "I'll be back in half an hour." "You'll find your candle here when you return." "I hope so." " Have a nice evening, sir." " See you later." "See you later." " Marcelle..." " Pinglet?" "No, not "Pinglet!"" "From now on, I am no longer Pinglet." "Call me Benoît." "If you like." "Benoît?" "Yes!" "Benoît!" "Marcelle!" "The time has come to take our vengeance." "Oh, Marcelle!" "Marcelle!" "I love you!" "Careful!" "You're going to burn me with your cigar!" "Right." "Hang on." "Oh, Marcelle!" "Marcelle!" "Watch it!" "You're blowing smoke in my face." "Oh!" "Sorry!" "Can't you put out your cigar?" "At 5 francs, I'd like to smoke the whole thing." "Oh." "Then..." "But that's all right!" "In love, money doesn't matter." "You are so beautiful!" "What about my dress?" "What do you think of it?" "Every dress is beautiful on you, and none is even better." "Oh, Pinglet!" "The seamstress sent it over tonight." "You're the first person I've worn it for." "Who cares about the dress?" "Does anyone look at the box that holds the diamond?" "Marcelle, Marcelle, all I see is you." "I don't see the dress!" "For me, there is no dress." "Oh, Marcelle..." "I want you!" "I want you!" "What's gotten into you, Pinglet?" "I mean, Benoît." "Please!" "I said I want you!" " I want you!" " I've never seen you like this!" " I want you!" " What's gotten into you?" "Benoît, my friend, the champagne's gone to your head." "You've gone to my head!" "It was the dinner, the wine, the champagne, the cigar!" "I want you!" "Oh, yes!" "I want you!" "That was silly." "You look so funny!" "That's it." "I look ridiculous." " Did you hurt yourself?" " Not at all." "I did it on purpose." "Damn chair!" "They only have one!" "It could at least be solid!" "Here!" "Now I have to start all over." "Marcelle!" " You should've seen yourself!" " Marcelle, don't laugh like that." "Marcelle!" "My darling Marcelle!" " No, my dear." "This must be it." " You think?" "Yes." "Look, the door is ajar." "All right." "What's this chair doing here?" "What do you want?" "Sorry." "An undressed man holding a curtain?" "Sorry." "I was washing up!" "Sir, you should close the door when you're dressed like that." "That's rich!" "I didn't invite you in!" "Get out of here!" "Get out of here!" "What a boor!" "What a boor!" "What a boor!" "You see!" "I knew that wasn't it." "What can I say, honey-poo?" "People make mistakes." "They fall too!" " Don't call me "honey-poo!"" " Why?" " I don't want you to." " Yes, just once!" " Don't call me "honey-poo."" " I'll call you honey-poo if I want." "Now that takes the cake!" "I have to be the concierge here too!" " Oh!" " My darling Marcelle!" "Oh!" "The chair from number 10." "Who put it here?" "What's it doing here?" "Sorry!" "Excuse me!" "I didn't know the room was occupied." "I was returning the chair." "No!" "I've seen enough of it, and you!" "Take that chair away!" "Take it away!" "Oh, Marcelle!" "Hey!" "This chair belongs in room 10!" "Take it away!" "Take it away and get out!" "That's enough!" "The little lady was nice though." "I'm thinking..." "Sprouch!" "Boulot!" "Yeah, yeah!" "I'm here, I'm here!" "Oh, my God..." " What's happening to me?" " What is it?" "I'm sweating." "It must be all the emotion." "It's nothing." "Marcelle, we're finally alone." "I wish you could see what's happening inside me." "I feel like my heart..." "My God, my heart!" "There's something wrong with my heart!" "Pinglet, my dear!" "You're pale!" "I'm sick." " I'm sick!" " Sit down." " Where?" "There's no chair." " Here, on the table." "Here!" "Oh, Marcelle." "I'm sorry about this unfortunate..." " I'll bring you some water." " It will pass." "I know!" "It was the cigar!" "I told you, "Cigars are no good!"" "The champagne, cognac..." "I never drink anything but water!" "Oh, my poor dear." " There." " Oh, my God!" "And my wife isn't even here!" " Yes." "Stay seated." " No, I have to walk around." " Otherwise I'll leave." " Yes, with me!" "No, alone!" "I think I'm going to leave alone." "I'm suffocating..." "Get a hold of yourself!" "Oh, Marcelle!" "Something tells me I'm going to die here." "Oh, no!" "Wait until you get home!" "After all, Bastien does it." "Why shouldn't I?" "Shtrouk!" "Now, where will I make my little hole?" "There, there." "Yes!" "That's perfect." "It's nice and soft." " You're so kind." " Are you feeling better?" "Not really, no." "That's funny." "It's going in so easily!" " Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" " What is it?" " What's happening to me?" " What's wrong?" "I feel a prickle in my back!" "That's good!" "It's the blood coming down from your brain." "There!" " Oh, God!" " All done!" "What's wrong?" "Oh, God!" "Oh, God!" "What is it?" "I felt a shooting pain, like someone had pierced a hole..." " What?" " ...inside me!" "Oh, my God!" "It's a stroke!" "That's funny." "It's red." "It must be wet brick." " Do you need a doctor?" " No, air!" "Air!" "And some tea." "Now where did I make my little hole?" "Where is the concierge?" "What a night!" "What are you doing there?" "I heard a noise." "I thought you had called." "I need a balcony, a terrace, somewhere I can get some air." " I see." "Upstairs on the right." " OK, OK..." "And bring a hot water bottle for the gentleman." " Very well, madam." " Yes, a bottle!" " You'll wait for me, right?" " Yes!" "I'm sick." "Totally sick." "Quick!" "Bring some tea!" "Tea?" "But everything's closed." "Oh, I know!" "We kicked out a crazy lady." "She took tea every night." "Her things must be in her room." "I'll be right back!" "What a night!" "Here it is!" "I knew I'd find all her things." "Oh, yes!" "That's perfect!" "Hang on." "Here." "Put it there." "Yes, madam." "The gentleman might get cold on the balcony." "Don't worry." "The weather's changed from this morning." "The rain's stopped, and now the moonlight is superb." "That was the weather report." "Come, children." "Come along." "Here we are, Daddy!" "Here we are!" "Where is the concierge?" "There's no concierge here?" "I've never seen a hotel like this." "You walk in like it's a factory!" "What good is the bell?" " You can tell it's stopped raining." " You sound like a lawyer again." "True." "Well, it's late." "We'll stay the night, but..." "There's no need to have our trunks brought up." "We'll go somewhere else tomorrow." " Go get the hot water bottle." " Yes, madam." "Oh, yes!" "I'd prefer a fancy hotel!" "Me too!" "She's really nice, that lady." "Oh, the concierge!" "What is this?" "A boarding school?" "Concierge, we were sent here by Mr. Pinglet." "No!" "Mr. Pinglet!" "Never heard of him." "One room for my daughters, and one for me." "His daughters?" "Your daughters?" "He must be a rabbit to have that many." "Can you show us what you have?" "Sir, I'll never find enough room for all of you!" "Wait!" "I have a good idea!" "The haunted room we can never rent out." "I may have found something for you." " Show it to us." " Of course." "It's this way." "Here it is!" "So?" "What is this?" "A dorm room?" "Sir!" "There's nothing else available." "There are 3 girls and 4 beds." "I can't sleep in the same room as my daughters!" "Go to bed first and close the curtains while they get in bed." "There are 2 bathrooms." " Well, when in Rome." " Very good." "What is Pinglet doing?" "Concierge, this will do!" "We'll take the room." "Very good, sir." "Good night, sir." "Good night, ladies." "Good night, concierge!" "He must be very sick." "I'm beginning to worry." "I need a candle." " Tell me, concierge..." " Tell me, concierge..." "Mr. Mathieu!" "If I'm not mistaken, it's Mrs..." " Paillardin!" " No." "Yes, it is." "Who I had the pleasure of meeting at the home of our mutual friend, Mr. Pinglet." "The pleasure was all mine, believe me." "Oh, they know each other!" "What a pleasant surprise!" " Children!" " Sir, please." "Children, come see." "It's Mrs. Paillardin!" "Oh, he's shouting my name..." "Her name is Mrs. Paillardin." "Mrs. Paillardin!" "Oh, madam!" "What a pleasant surprise!" "It's Mrs. Paillardin!" "This is all I need!" "Tea's boiling, Mrs. Paillardin!" "He knows my name!" "My tea?" "Very good." "Thank you!" "Your tea?" "Are you staying here?" "Me?" "No..." "My husband wanted to." "We're in the middle of moving." "How nice!" "We're staying right next to you." " Yes!" "Next to you!" " Yes!" "Next to you!" "Your tea is boiling, Mrs. Paillardin!" "He's driving me nuts!" " Mrs. Paillardin..." " OK!" "Thank you." "I heard you." "Sir, excuse me." "My tea is calling." " I won't offer you any." " With pleasure." "Can't refuse." "Yes, tea!" " Concierge, some cups." " Yes, sir." "I'll never get rid of them." "Children, to Mrs. Paillardin's room!" "Quick!" "His jacket!" " This is nice." " Yes." "Come, children." "Please sit down." "We'd love to, but there are no chairs." "How right you are!" " Sir, your cups." " Finally!" " Concierge, bring some chairs." " Yes, sir." "Go help him, children." "They're not leaving." "And Pinglet's returning!" "If you'll allow me," "I'll pour the water in the teapot." "Yes, yes." " Sir, your chairs." " Yes." "Look what Pinglet got me into!" "Look what he's done!" " Shall I get the hot water bottle?" " What hot water bottle?" " For the sick gentleman." " Yes, go ahead." "Please, sit!" "Please, sit." "So, Mrs. Paillardin, is everything going well?" "Oh, yes!" "Yes!" "Make yourselves useful." "Serve the tea, children." "Do you see our friend Pinglet often?" "Rarely." "You know how things are in Paris." "I'm rather close with his wife." "That's why you met me at his house." "Oh, I feel much better!" "I parted ways with my dinner, I got some air, and I feel as good as new!" "Ladies' hands are wonderful" " You only see Pinglet rarely?" " Very, very rarely." " The Mathieus!" " I'm ruined!" "What are they doing here?" "My dear Pinglet!" "We were just talking about you!" "Yes!" "How nice." "Hello, Mrs. Paillardin." "I had some business in the area, and I thought," ""I'll go say hello to Mrs. Paillardin."" "How considerate!" "Now this is a surprise!" "Yes, indeed!" "Pinglet, you walk around in shirtsleeves?" "Oh, yes..." "Let me tell you!" "I ripped my jacket." "I took it to the tailor nextdoor, and while they stitch it up," "I came to say hello to Mrs. Paillardin." "That was very kind." "Very kind!" "Oh, yes!" "Very kind!" " A cup of tea, Mr. Pinglet?" " Tea?" "With pleasure." " Yes." " Sugar, Mr. Pinglet?" "With pleasure." "If I'd known I'd be having tea with the Mathieus!" "You like your tea very sweet, Mr. Pinglet." "No." "Not at all." "Doesn't look like it." "Tell me, Pinglet." "What's new in Paris?" "Still a Republic." "How is your wife since this morning?" "Very good!" "Very good!" "Yours too?" "I lost her 8 years ago." "Oh, that's right!" "That's right!" "Sir, your hot water bottle." " My God!" " Oh, what an idiot!" "Your hot water bottle?" "Are you cold?" "Yes!" "I certainly am!" "That is..." "Every time I come to this hotel," "I ask for a hot water bottle." "They're famous for their hot water bottles here." "They're famous for them!" "Didn't you know?" "My wife says," ""If you pass by the Free Exchange Hotel," ""bring me home a hot water bottle."" " Right, Mrs. Paillardin?" " Yes!" "No..." "No one asked you!" " Get out of here!" "Get out!" " Yes, sir." "Well..." "I can see you're tired..." "Tired." "I don't want to stay too long." "Allow me to say goodbye." "Sir, you know..." "You're tired?" "You should've said so!" "Children, let's go back to our room." "We mustn't intrude." "I knew that'd get them out." "Goodbye and good night, Mrs. Paillardin." "Yes, that's right." "Let's go!" "I'll go downstairs to keep up the act, then I'll be back." " Will you wait for me?" " Yes." "What a terrible situation!" "Goodbye, Pinglet." "Send my regards to Mrs. Pinglet." "I'd never forget it." "Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "I've had enough!" "What a lesson!" "My God!" "Let's go back inside." "Good night, Daddy!" "We're going to change." "Right." "Your bathroom is over there." "And don't scream so loud!" "People are sleeping!" "I don't want to stay here one more minute." "As soon as Pinglet gets back..." "I can't wait to lie down." "My hat!" "Where is my hat?" "When you've traveled all day..." "Did I throw it here, with Pinglet's things?" "I like this hotel." "It has an old-fashioned, authentic quality that I like." "Yes." "I like this hotel." "Oh!" "And luxury toiletries!" "Tortoiseshell combs!" "Ebony brushes, with the hotel's initials:" ""HP."" "HP?" "H is for "hotel." But P?" "That can't be for "Free Exchange."" "It must be the owner's name." "It doesn't matter to me." "Oh, wow..." "What's this?" "Cigars!" ""Regalias."" "Oh, wow..." "I'll smoke one before I go to bed." "This hotel is wonderful." "A box full of cigars, as many as you want..." "It just disappeared!" "I can't find my hat." "And Pinglet isn't back yet!" "There's even a nightshirt!" "And slippers!" "It's wonderful!" "Wonderful!" "Pinglet was right to recommend this hotel!" "Honestly..." " Come on!" " I'm here, I'm here!" "All that's missing now is a hot water bottle." "I'll ask the concierge to bring me one." " Hurry up!" " OK." "Mathieu!" "What?" "You're back?" "Yes." "I..." "I came back to..." " I came back to tell you..." " What?" "Well... it wasn't very urgent, but since I was here..." "Naturally." "Right." "I was downstairs, and I heard people saying that - well, apparently " "things got very heated in Parliament today." " Really!" " Yes." "The administration was asked about the budget." "Always the same issue of the budget." "The ministry was 2 seconds from being brought down." "Right, right!" "Where are we headed?" "My God, where are we headed?" "So I thought," ""That might interest my good Mathieu,"" "and right away..." "Why do you think I care?" " You don't care?" " No." "Well, then, I'm going." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "And thanks anyway." "You're welcome, you're welcome." "Go back to your room." "Go back to your room!" "No." "I'm waiting to ask the concierge for a hot water bottle, the ones you said were so famous." "A hot water bottle?" "Take mine!" "I wouldn't want to deprive you." "You're not depriving me." "And it's cold now." "Oh, right..." "You're too kind." "It's no trouble." "Go back inside now." "Go back inside!" "I see." "Good night." "Good night." "Good night." "Yes, good night." "Good night!" "What are you waiting for?" "He won't let it go!" "Good night." "What a nice fellow." "Oh, I forgot!" "My candle." "You again!" "Yes!" "I forgot to shake your hand." "Good night." "Well!" "Well, I'll get changed then." "Ah!" "It's about time!" "I thought you'd never finish." "My dear, I had to get rid of the Mathieus." " You think that's easy..." " Don't start with me!" "To think they'd pick this hotel when there so many others!" "Just my luck!" "Instead of complaining, grab your jacket and let's go." " My jacket?" " There, in the closet." "What did you do with my hat?" "I don't know!" "It must be here." " Where?" "Where?" "Where?" " "Where?" "Where?" "Where?"" "I don't know!" "When you took it off, you put it on the table." "Oh!" "That's right." "I remember." "When I went upstairs, I had it in my hands." "It's up there." "That's funny?" "You forgot it up there!" "Got any better jokes?" "Run and get it!" "I'll wait for you." " Hurry up!" " OK!" " Where are you going?" " I know where!" "I know where!" "Another guest!" " Oh, it's the expert." " Yes, it's me." " The expert is going to bed." " If you don't mind." " Do you have my candle?" " Here it is." "Have the ghosts manifested themselves?" "Not that I know of." "They're being shy tonight." "Go ahead, poke fun." "Poke fun!" "I hope the ghosts are at least polite and won't make too much noise so I can sleep." "Hey!" "Where are my cigars?" "I don't know, sir." "The box was full earlier, and now it's half-empty." " Where did they go?" " I don't know." "What?" "They didn't leave on their own." "It was the ghosts, sir!" " Smoking ghosts?" " "Smoking ghosts!"" "You're a smoker!" "And my combs and brushes are in disarray!" " Now you see." " Yes." "I'm starting to understand the nature of these ghosts!" "A clever little man who steals from everyone and blames it on ghosts." "He doesn't believe in them!" "I'll be speaking to your boss tomorrow." " Good night, sir." "Good night." " Yeah, good night." "There's a crook here." "Yes, a crook." "He even left hair in my brush." "Nothing!" "I looked everywhere." "Where can that hat have gone?" "Where's my nightshirt?" "And my slippers?" "Marcelle will go crazy." "I'll tell her the truth." "I'll stay in my clothes." "If something happens, at least I can get up quickly." "Where's my hat?" " Marcelle, brace yourself." " Why?" "I couldn't find it." "Someone took it." " Who?" " He didn't leave his name." "That's just great!" "Luckily I have my lace shawl." "Let's go right away." "Yes, let's leave, because I've had enough!" "And me?" "What a lesson!" "What a lesson!" "I'm exhausted." "I'm going to bed." "Oh, it's Maxime!" "Your husband's nephew, with my maid!" " Lock the door!" " Where's the key?" "I don't have it." " Lock it anyway!" " I can't, without the key." "There's a deadbolt here." "Come on!" "My God, what a night!" "Welcome, sir." "Welcome, madam." "Miss, what we're doing is bad." "Oh!" "Nothing's happened yet." "I know just what the gentleman and the lady need:" "a charming, cozy little love nest where the lady will be comfortable." "She's very pretty, sir." "You think so?" "And I have just what you need, sir!" "I have a beautiful room." "Number 9." "It's where the crown princess of Poland spent her wedding night with her chamberlain." "Oh, a princess's room!" "Madam, this is a very fine hotel." "I know." "We read the brochure." "That's fine." "We'll take room 9." "Let's go!" "You won't regret it." "Miss, he's looking at me and laughing!" "Let him laugh!" "You can head up to your room now." "Luckily I reviewed my Descartes." "Finally we can go to bed." " I'm taking this one." " No, it's mine!" " No!" " No!" "Don't make so much noise." "Daddy told us not to." "It'll be so nice to climb into these sheets!" "Oh, it's cold!" "Before I go to bed, I'll put in my curling papers." "Yes!" "Let's curl our hair!" "What a good idea." " Pass me the candle." " Me too." "Me!" "Me!" " You dropped the candle." " You're so clumsy!" "Oh, look!" "Spirit lamps!" "We look like jack-o-lanterns." "Yes, we look like ghosts." "Yes, like the legend of Robert the Devil." "3, 4..." "You who's resting there" "Under this stone cross" "Ding, ding, ding" "Do you hear me" "Welcome to..." "Welcome to..." "The Kingdom of Ghosts" "The Kingdom of Ghosts" "Vade retro Satana!" "Ghosts!" "Help!" "Help!" " What's going on?" " Help!" "Ghosts!" "Mr. Paillardin!" "My uncle Paillardin!" "What are you talking about?" "A man?" "Where?" "In the bed?" "Sorry, madam." "They said "a man," but it was a woman." "My uncle's gone." "Let's see what Victoire is doing in this room." "Anyone here?" "Victoire?" " No, Daddy." "It was a man!" " No." "Mr. Maxime, over here." "Daddy, I swear." "We saw him." "It was a man." "I saw them too." "At my age, I can actually distinguish men and women." "Oh!" "See?" "What did I say?" "It wasn't a man." "It was a woman." "No!" "See, Daddy?" "It was a man!" " I've had enough." "Let's go." " Yes, let's go!" "We'll leave with a clear conscience." "Concierge!" "Concierge!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "What's all this noise?" "What's going on here?" "There are men and women in our rooms." " So you saw them?" " What?" "I didn't dare tell you when you got here, but..." "It's the haunted room." "The haunted room?" "Yes, the haunted room!" "What you thought were men and women were something else!" "They were spirits, ghosts!" " Ghosts?" " Yes!" "Children!" "Children!" "Running around in their nightgowns in a hotel!" "My God, what a plague!" "What a plague!" "Oh, no!" "What's going on?" "What's all this shouting?" "There's something strange about this hotel." "I'm scared to death." "Let's go." "Yes." "Let's be careful." "Wait." " There's no one." "Come on." " Finally!" "Ghosts!" "Ghosts!" "There are ghosts!" "Back inside!" " What is it?" " My husband!" "Oh!" "Human beings!" " Open up!" " No!" "You can't come in!" " You can't come in!" " Open the door!" "Don't let him get in." "I can't stop him." "He's stronger than me!" "Open up!" "My hat!" "Madam, my hat!" " Help!" " My hat!" "My hat!" "My hat!" "A chimney sweep!" "Poltergeists!" "Poltergeists!" "Oh, Marcelle..." "Oh, Ma..." "Marcelle!" " He's gone!" " Oh!" "Oh, what a fright!" "Finally..." "Oh, God!" " It's me, Pinglet." " Pinglet?" " Oh!" "You're all black!" " It's no big deal." "He's gone." "We can breathe a bit." "Oh!" "That feels good." "Oh!" "That's a relief." "Oh..." "Oh, yes." "That's good." "Oh, yes." "That's good!" "Oh, that's good!" " Round everybody up!" " What's that?" "It's the police!" "Run!" "It's the vice squad!" "No!" "The vice squad!" "It's the vice squad!" "Oh!" "It's the vice squad!" "Come on, come on." "Aha!" "Arrest them!" " The Police Commissioner!" " Them!" "Commissioner, whom do we arrest?" "Him!" " Why him?" " Because he's alone!" "Wait." "He's alone because he's the only one." "Yes." "He's the only one because he's alone." "Obviously!" " Commissioner?" " Bring him over here!" " But gentlemen..." " Come over here, you scoundrel!" "Gentlemen!" "Don't try to fight." " It's stuck, Commissioner!" " You can't come in!" "Push it in!" "Strength and courage!" "Oh, I'm ruined!" "Over here." "Come on." "Oh, the poor lady." "Oh, my God!" "My God!" "I know what you want." "I'm an honest woman." "Yes, indeed." "She's an honest woman." "That's enough!" "No one asked you." " Quiet, scoundrel!" " Take him over there." "I won't even say, "Quiet, scoundrel!" Come on!" "You, search upstairs!" "Yes, Commissioner." " You, you go..." " Me?" " No, not you." "You." " Me?" "No, the other one!" "The one with the..." "Go to the back room!" "Yes, sir!" " You, stay here." " Yes, sir." "Now for you, madam." "Who are you?" "I don't understand." "I'm with my husband." " With your husband." " Yes." "My husband is the man you just dragged over there." "Yes, madam." "Madam, could you tell me your name?" "But, sir..." "But..." "I have no other choice." " My name is Mrs. Pinglet." " "Pinglet."" "Very good." "You!" "Bring me that man." "Yes, Commissioner!" "Come on, scoundrel!" "Come over here." "Sir, who are you?" "I have no other way to save her." "Sir, I don't understand the question." "I've done nothing improper." "The lady is my wife." " And your name is Mr..." " Like the lady must have told you." "My name is Mr. Paillardin." "Oh, my God!" "It's just as I thought." "Very well!" "I'm ruined." "I saved her." "Take everyone to the station!" "Come on." "This way." "Come this way." " You don't know who I am!" " Honestly..." "My children!" "Don't touch my children!" " Go, go!" " Commissioner..." "Daddy!" "Take them to jail!" "To jail!" "We're going to complain to the crown princess of Poland!" "Take her away!" "This way." "Hurry up." ""Free Exchange Hotel!"" "Oh my..." "Well, too bad." "I'll go shtrouk by myself." "How many times do I hit it to signal the 3rd act?" " 17." " Yes." "How silly of me." " There." " 18." "Oh, springtime Give me your rays of sunshine" "Now if my wife shows up," "I'll look like a man who just woke up." "My God, what a night!" "What a night!" "Is that her already?" "No, she has the key." "She wouldn't knock." " Who's there?" " It's me, sir." "Victoire." "Victoire, that little hussy." "Another veteran of the Free Exchange Hotel." "If I say anything I'll give myself away." "What do you want?" "Sir, I have your hot chocolate." " Come in." " I can't." "I don't have the key!" "I know, for God's sake." "Ask my wife." "She has it." " But she never came home." " What do you mean, never came home?" "Her sister must've gotten sicker, and she stayed with her." "What should I do, sir?" "What do you want from me?" "I don't have the key!" " So wait until my wife comes home." " Yes, sir." "Well, I could open the door, but I'd kiss my alibi goodbye!" "My God, what a night!" "What a night!" "Rounded up like thieves, all because Marcelle and I..." "Is that any of their business?" "As long as the husband doesn't mind." " Who's there?" " Pinglet, it's me." " You who?" " Me, Marcelle." " Finally!" "Are you alone?" " Yes." "Open the door!" "Yes, hang on." "Pull the bolt on your side." " There." " Come in, hurry." "Pinglet!" "Marcelle!" "My God, what a night!" "What a night!" "Pinglet, you ruined me." "No, I didn't ruin you." "Our situation isn't so bad." "Just because we were caught together in a hotel..." "That's not what I'm worried about." "But you know the police." "Once they have you, they start investigating." "My husband will end up finding out." "Pinglet, what will become of us?" "Come on." "Cheer up." "There's no reason to be afraid." " You have black on your face." " Black?" "Me?" "You got it on me!" " Haven't you seen your face?" " Me?" "Oh, my God!" "It's from the chimney, from last night!" "My God, what a night!" "What a night!" "Here." " You take the carafe first." " My God, what a night!" "Yes, I heard you." "What a night!" "But it could've been worse." "We could've spent the night in a cell, like the others." "Instead, the Commissioner believed us and let us go free." "He saw who he was dealing with." "Yes." "And because I paid him 5,000 francs bail." " Is it still there?" " Yes." "On your forehead." " You paid 5,000 francs?" " Yes." "I offered him my word of honor or 5,000 francs bail." "He chose the bail." "Now this afternoon, I have to bring him proof of our identity." "Since you won't be able to prove you're Mr. Paillardin, what will happen?" "When you don't show up, the Commissioner will come here." "No, he won't, because this afternoon," "I'm going to see the police chief." " "The police chief?"" " Yes." "Last night, while you were getting home safely..." ""Safely!"" "Yes." "I went to see the police chief." " Did you find him?" " No, he was asleep." "It's no matter." "I'll go back this afternoon and tell him everything." " I won't be able to look at him." " You won't have to." "I'll tell him it's involves a lady's honor, and he'll cover it all up." "He says his name is Mr. Paillardin, but it's Mr. Pinglet!" "No, it was your fault!" "If you hadn't said your name was Mrs. Pinglet when it's Mrs. Paillardin..." "Oh, excuse me!" "I said my name was Mrs. Pinglet to make them think I was your wife!" "And I said my name was Mr. Paillardin to make them think I was your husband!" "My dear, how could you think the Commissioner would believe your wife was named Mrs. Pinglet when you said you were Mr. Paillardin?" "My dear, how could I have known, when I said I was Mr. Paillardin, that you had said you were Mrs. Pinglet?" "Oh, really?" "Well, when you don't know, you say nothing!" "No!" "The way women reason..." " What?" "Who is it?" " It's me!" "It's Paillardin!" "My husband!" " What do you want?" " I need to talk to you." "I can't open the door." "My wife locked me in and took the key." "Really?" "Shoot!" "You know what?" "Go through the garden." "Grab the gardener's ladder and come in through the window." "That's a good idea." "I'll go get the ladder." "OK." " He's gone." "Let me out." " Yes." "You can go." "Go!" "And bolt the door behind you." " My God, what a night!" " Yeah, yeah..." "My God, what a night!" "What a night!" "Are you there?" "Yes, I'm coming up." "Be careful not to fall." "My God, what a night!" "What a night." " What's wrong?" "Your eye?" " I hit myself pretty good, huh?" " Do you believe in ghosts?" " No." "I didn't either." "But my friend, you should." " I saw them." " You?" "Yes." "I saw them." "I'm telling you." "If you call it seeing." "You saw ghosts?" "I thought I was so smart, like you." "I said, "It's the pipes!"" "Well, let me tell you." "I hadn't been asleep half an hour in that haunted room before I woke up surrounded by ghosts and white apparitions" "dancing in a frenzied circle around me!" "And they were all singing!" "I remember they were singing," "You sleeping there Under this white gravestone" "Do you hear me?" "It's us, the ghosts It's us, the ghosts" "Oh, oh!" "Go ahead, laugh!" "Then I packed my things and ran away like a madman!" "When suddenly, in front of a door," "I saw what I thought were humans." "My God, that room!" " It was number 10." " 10?" "I don't know." "Why 10 and not another number?" "Why another number and not 10?" "Let's say it was number 10." "I ran inside." "There was a woman, or something with the form of a woman, with a dress..." "I couldn't see her face." "She put my hat over it." "What?" "I didn't have time to realize what was happening." "But that dress..." "That dress..." "I'd recognize it anywhere." "Heavens!" "And then right then," "I'm telling you, it was sorcery..." "A chimney sweep!" "A chimney sweep came out of the chimney!" "I don't know why or how!" "A chimney sweep." "He was about..." "About your height." " Oh, no." "Much taller." " Why much taller?" "Chimney sweeps are always taller." "I don't know." "I had no time to measure him." "He attacked me." "Bam!" "He punched me in the face and kicked me..." "Did he kick you in the eye?" "No, he punched me!" "He kicked me in the..." "That hotel got to me." "It did." "My friend, may God spare you from ever spending the night in a hotel haunted by spirits." "It seems he believes in ghosts." "Did your wife believe your ghost stories?" "I haven't seen her." "I knocked, but she didn't open the door." "Goodness." "She was sleeping like a log." "I slept in the guest room." "Uncle!" "Uncle!" "Listen!" "That's my nephew Maxime." "Yes, it's him." "Maxime, why aren't you at school?" "I'll explain, Uncle!" " Come up for a minute." " OK." "Hello, Uncle." "Hello, Mr. Pinglet." " Uncle, what happened to your eye?" " Nothing." "You look different." "Why aren't you at school?" "I'll tell you." "I don't know how it happened." "Yesterday morning, I forgot to wind my watch." "I had the wrong time." "And when I got to school, the gate was closed." "You must be joking." "Me, joking?" "No." "I'm serious." "Oh, what a joker!" "He was at the Free Exchange Hotel with Victoire." "Why didn't you come right back here?" "It was too late." "And since you weren't here, I didn't want to worry my aunt." " Where did you spend the night?" " At Stanislas's place." " Are you sure?" " Oh, Uncle!" "The philosopher is lying through his teeth." "When I went to school this morning, they said I need a letter from you so I can get back in." "All right." "We'll see." "Good thing he didn't recognize me at the hotel" " Henri!" "Henri!" " My wife is awake." " Yes, my dear!" " Open up." "I can't." "The door is locked." "Mrs. Pinglet has the key." "I went through the garden." "I'm here with Pinglet." " Oh!" " Hello, Mrs. Paillardin." " Hello, Mr. Pinglet." " How are you?" "So-so." "I had a rough night." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "Speaking of rough nights, You know what happened to me?" " No." "What?" " You won't believe it." " The Free Exchange Hotel..." " Never been there!" " We've never been there!" " Me neither!" "Obviously." "It's a disreputable hotel." "Why would you have been there?" "Obviously." "Obviously." "Obviously." "Obviously." "Anyway, this hotel..." "It's not easy talking through a door." "Wait for me." "I'll go out the window, through the garden to get to you." "All right." "We had a spat yesterday." "I'm going to make peace." " Right." " Go on." "You're not coming?" " You're not coming?" " No." "I'm staying." "I'm staying." "Thank you!" "And my alibi." "Hey!" "Take the ladder down behind you." " Take the ladder down." " OK." " Is my husband gone?" " Yes." " What did he say?" " It's fine." "He doesn't know." " He doesn't suspect a thing." " Oh, thank God!" "The dress you wore last night was all he saw of you!" "It's his only clue." "Tear it up, burn it, give it away, but don't let him see it!" "Yes." "I'll give it away right away." "He's coming back up." "Go!" "My God, what a night!" "What a night!" "Everything's fine." "After all that excitement, I'm getting bored." " Sir!" " What?" "What is it?" "It's a telegram for you, sir." " Pass it under the door." " There you go, sir." "It's from my wife's sister." "What does this say?" ""Angélique was supposed to come for dinner." "Waited in vain."" "What?" ""Is she sick?" "Send a telegram."" "What does that mean?" "My wife didn't go to her sister's?" "But last night, she went..." "Did someone take her from me?" "No." "These days, acts of true heroism are rare." "Could she have gotten up to something?" "Maybe with someone blind." "Pinglet!" "Pinglet!" "There she is!" "I knew" "I hadn't lost her for long." "That quavering voice!" "Ah, Pinglet!" "My dear!" "Benoît..." "Oh, what a night!" "My God, what a night!" "Benoît!" "Benoît, where are you?" "What?" "What is it?" "It's me, Jesus!" "Come here!" "I'm alive!" "Really?" "Wait till you hear what happened to me." " Come see, Benoît!" " OK!" "Yes, yes..." "Oh, Benoît!" "I'm so happy to see you again!" "Me too." "Why?" "What a night..." "My God, what a night!" "I've heard that somewhere." "Look at me." "You have a black eye." "What happened to you?" "Pinglet!" "Pinglet!" "You almost lost me." " Really?" " I swear." " Does that make you sad?" " Yes." "Because it's something that'll never reoccur." "Oh, my dear!" "An accident!" "A terrible accident that almost took me from you forever." "Don't say that." "You're breaking my heart." "Oh, you're so sweet." "I took a carriage to go to Ville-d'Avray." "At first, everything was fine." "We were making good progress, all 3 of us." ""All 3 of you?"" "The coachman, the horse and me." "And then suddenly, when we got outside Paris, the horse bolted!" "What happened?" "The coachman tried to stop him!" "But it was impossible!" "So there we were, running... traveling through space, crossing the countryside!" "And no one there to help us!" "Oh, Benoît!" "It's in those moments, when your life flashes before your eyes, that you realize how much you love your husband!" "Would you believe it?" "The only thing I could think about was you!" "While you were home safe, I thought," ""If only he was here with me."" "What intentions you have!" "But unfortunately, you weren't there." "I lost my mind." "I opened the door and jumped out." "Oh, my God." "My God." "I hit my head on some rocks." "You poor dear!" "And after that, I don't remember a thing." "All I know is that I woke up in the middle of the night, in a farmer's cottage, surrounded by people whom I didn't know, but who seemed happy to see me come back to life." "What good people!" "I would've given them all we have." "That's a lot." "No." "They saved me." "Yes, exactly." "This morning I felt better, so they brought me to the Place de l'Etoile." "Then I took a carriage back home, and here I am!" "That's awful." "Oh, Pinglet!" "When I think of it..." "When I see it again in my mind..." "What if your poor wife..." "This is no time to cry." "All the same." "What would you have done if you had lost me?" "I wouldn't have remarried, that's for sure!" "Now, now..." "Madam!" " Madam, the mail is here." " Good." "Put it there." "I'm going to get dressed." "Yes, that's it." "Go." "Oh, my God." "I feel broken." "I want to take a bath." "Oh!" "What's wrong with you?" "Maybe you didn't notice." "You have a black eye." "You think I haven't noticed?" "That's a good one." "Yes, I have!" "Yes, I've noticed!" " Run my bath!" " Yes, madam." "Let's see this mail." "Oh sunshine Give me your rays of spring" "What? "Police Commissioner?" What does that mean?" ""Madam, please come to my office for a matter that concerns you" ""and bring your identity papers." ""To Mrs. Pinglet, who was found in the company..." ""of Mr. Paillardin..." ""during the police raid" ""last night at the Free Exchange Hotel."" "Me?" "Me!" "In the raid..." "at the hotel... with Paill..." "Oh, no!" "That's crazy." "I can't read it!" "No, I'm not imagining it." "A button on my boot popped off." " It's good you're here." " What is it?" "I'm going crazy." "I can't read!" "It says here..." "It's awful." "Here, read it." "Oh, no!" "It's from the Commissioner, already!" " Read it!" "Read!" " OK..." ""To Mrs. Pinglet, found in the company of Mr. Paillardin," ""during the round-up" ""last night at the Free Exchange Hotel."" "Yes!" "I was found last night with Paillardin!" "I have an idea!" "Oh, you wicked woman!" "You admit it!" "What?" "You were caught with Paillardin!" "No!" " Get back, wicked woman!" " Pinglet!" "It's scandalous, but in politics, you must be unscrupulous." "What were you doing with Paillardin?" "Huh?" "What?" " Nothing." "Nothing..." " Come on!" "The letter is clear!" "What were you doing?" " Answer me!" " Nothing..." " Benoît, you're hurting me." " Answer me!" "I can't tell you something that never happened." "Did you ring, sir?" "Yes." "A button on my boot popped off." "So it has to be put back on." "Make sure it stays." " Yes, sir." " There you go." "There." "Messalina!" "What's with them?" "And to think you're the woman I placed all my trust in." "I believed you." "I thought," ""My wife is cantankerous." "Fine!" ""Crushingly boring!" "Fine!" ""At least she's faithful."" "But she's not even that!" "Despite her age." "Not even that!" "Not true!" "I'm telling you, it's not true!" "That's why you locked me in!" "So you could easily get to your lovebird dinner with Paillardin, my best friend." "Me?" "Where were you going?" "To the Free Exchange Hotel, a disreputable hotel on Rue de Provence." "Never!" "How would I even know it's on Rue de Provence?" "How do you know it's there?" "It's on the paper!" "It's on the paper." " Oh." "No, it's not." " You see!" "I told you the truth!" "The horse that bolted, the farmers who took me in..." "Where are your farmers now?" "In their village." "And where is their village ?" "Oh, my God." "I don't know." "I was taken so far away..." "I should have asked, but I didn't think of it." "Paillardin, he's accused too." "He'll tell you!" "He'll explain!" "Let him, madam." "There!" "I see him crossing through the garden." "Paillardin!" " Paillardin!" " What?" "Come up." "I need to talk to you." " What do you want to tell me?" " Come up and you'll find out!" "As for you, madam, when your accomplice is here, not one word." "Not one move." "Don't interrupt the prosecutor." "Oh, my God!" "My God!" "You who knows the truth, show him." "Prove me right." "Here I am." "What is it?" "Come here, sir." " "Sir?"" " Oh, Paillardin!" "Be quiet, madam!" "Let justice take its course!" "Where did you say you were last night?" " At the Free Exchange Hotel." " What?" "220 Rue de Provence." "My God..." "My God, am I going crazy?" "Could I really have..." "No, impossible!" "What is it?" "Whom were you with at the free Exchange Hotel?" "Whom were you with?" " I was alone." " Come on!" "You were there with her." "What?" "Yes." "I know everything, sir !" " You're my wife's lover!" " Me?" " You heard me!" " Be quiet, madam." "It's a joke." "You want to laugh." "I want to laugh..." "Here!" "Read this!" "This is villainous." "What's this?" ""To Mrs. Pinglet, who was found in the company of Mr. Paillardin" ""during the police raid last night..." ""at the Free Exchange Hotel..."" "That's funny." "Is this a joke?" "It's a joke." "Do I look like I'm joking, sir?" "My husband thinks I..." "Me and you." "Yes!" "Me, your lover?" "That's funny!" "Don't laugh, sir." "Seriously?" "You really think..." "No, you're stupid." "Seriously." "Don't try to get out of this by insulting me!" "Me?" "Her lover?" "My friend, I don't want to be rude, but before you accuse me, look at her." "Look at her!" "No!" "No!" "You'd better not insult my wife!" " He's insulting me?" " Yes, madam." "Look what he's doing to you!" "He's burning the gods he once worshipped!" "He's tossing you aside like an old lemon the juice has been squeezed out of!" "You're stupid." "So how do you explain this summons?" "How would I know?" "I'm accused along with your wife, but I didn't receive anything!" "As long as I don't receive a summons, I deny it." "And I deny it till the end!" "Sir, a letter from the police commissioner for Mr. Paillardin." " What's that?" " The summons!" ""To Mr. Paillardin..." ""found in the company of Mrs. Pinglet" ""during the raid last night at the Fair Exchange Hotel."" "Aha!" "That shut you up!" "I must be going insane!" "An ill fate has fallen upon us!" "Do you deny it now?" "Do you?" "I don't understand..." " Sir, your boot." " Oh, thank you." "Evildoers!" "Triple evildoers!" " Sir?" " I'm not talking to you." " Get out of here!" " Yes, sir." " Oh, Marcelle!" " Oh, madam!" "It's good you're here." " Do you see this man?" " My husband?" " He's my wife's lover!" " Him?" "Oh, God!" "None of this is true." "Faint into my arms." "Oh, Marcelle!" "Marcelle!" "My God!" "You're insane!" "Marcelle!" "It was insane to go tell her that!" "Marcelle!" " Smelling salts!" "Salts!" " Wait!" "I have some." "What's going on?" "They received the summons." "So to save you..." " I get it." " It's them!" "Faint!" "What you just did is unworthy of a gentleman." "Sir, you're one to talk." "Don't put them under her nose." "It's bad for the lungs." "Give them to me!" "Oh, my God!" "Water!" "She needs water." "Water!" " OK, wake up." " OK." "Ah..." "Oh, she's come to!" "Marcelle, please, don't believe a word of this." "Yes, it's not true!" "They were caught in a police raid!" "What?" "Oh!" "That's awful!" "Should I faint again?" " No, get mad." "Really mad!" " OK." "Oh, God!" "Marcelle, please, don't believe a word of what you read." "It's a joke, an awful prank." "So these were your so-called ghosts!" "Yes!" "For some, it was ghosts, for others, a runaway carriage!" "And you both came home with the same black eye!" "Could it have been in fighting with the police that you got these two black eyes?" "That's right!" "We won't defend ourselves against a baseless accusation." "You're convinced we were arrested last night?" " Are we convinced?" " Fine!" "Let's go see the Commissioner." "He alone will recognize us." " What?" " Oh, no!" "Yes!" "Yes, that's it!" "Let's go see the Commissioner!" " No, no!" " Sorry." "Only the Commissioner can clear our names." " To the Commissioner!" " Oh, no!" " Mr. Mathieu!" " Him!" "My God, what a night!" "What a night!" "This is all we needed." " Hello, Pinglet." " Hello, Mathieu." "How are you?" "Did you sleep well?" "Go wait in my room." "We're dealing with something." "Hello, Mrs. Paillardin." "Hello, Mrs. Pinglet." " What's wrong with your eye?" " Nothing, nothing!" "You know what happened to me yesterday?" " You can tell me later." " We slept in a jail..." " In a jail..." " In a jalopy!" "In a jalopy." "Don't pay attention." "He's stuttering!" "No, I'm not stuttering!" "Not at all." "It's nice out." "Oh, my God!" "It's not raining." "My God!" "This morning, they recognized us and let us go." "That's great." "Go into my room..." " I've had enough!" " It's this way." " I'm returning to Valenciennes!" " It's that way!" "Not yet!" "Then it's like I said, "It's this way!"" "Oh, what a pill!" "What a pill!" "Hey." "You all, how did you fare last night?" "What?" "Fine!" "Fine." "Uh..." "What did he mean by," ""How did you fare last night?"" "Nothing." "It's an expression in Valenciennes." "When you want to ask someone, "How was your night?"" "you say, "How did you fare last night?"" "I didn't know that." " Let's go see the Commissioner." " Oh, no!" "Madam, the Police Commissioner is here." " The Commissioner!" " Good gracious!" " He's right on time." " We're finished." "Come in, sir." "Come in." " Mr. Paillardin, please." " That's us!" " It's me, sir." " Oh." "It's you?" "Excuse me." "I didn't recognize you, because last night, you were covered in black." " Me?" " But I recognize you." "He recognizes him!" "Not bad!" " You recognize me?" " Of course." "Because I caught you last night with Mrs. Pinglet at the Free Exchange Hotel." " You caught me?" " And me, with her?" " Mrs. Pinglet, I presume." " Yes, sir." "Mrs. Pinglet." "I didn't recognize you, because under your lace veil..." " Me?" " But I recognize you now." "What?" "She's not so pretty." "You recognize me?" "He recognizes her!" "This is great." "There is no way you could recognize us, because you never arrested us at the Free Exchange Hotel." "How can that be?" "I interrogated you and released you on bail." " But it doesn't matter now." " What?" "No." "The case is dismissed." "There!" "Yes, because you have proof of residence, etc., it stops here." "And I'm sorry my secretary sent you a summons." "When I found out you were..." "Mr. Paillardin, architect, an expert witness to the court." " You're an expert witness, right?" " Sir, that doesn't matter." "For you, but not for me, because I just so happen to need an expert opinion." "I just bought a country house, and I need..." "Sir, we're talking about what happened last night!" "Don't worry about it, because the case is dismissed!" "Because you have proof of an income and a residence, you are not the police's concern." "Sir, I don't care about the police." "I care about..." "The gentleman and the lady." "The gentleman and the lady!" "Yes." "Our respective spouses, who, on the basis of your statement, think that we..." "And since that's false," "I want you to explain to them, by clearly stating that you don't recognize us." "Well, sir, it's hard for me..." "Concentrate!" "Look at us!" "Well..." "I do remember one thing." "The lady in question was wearing a puce-colored dress." " I don't have one!" " Me neither!" "Be quiet!" "You arrested some other people!" "Where are they?" " Hang on." "I have the list." " Let me see that." " They're..." " I see, I see." ""Gaïtan BÏuf." Never heard of him." ""Adèle Dubois." Never heard of her." ""Bastien Morillon." Never heard of him." " "Mr. Mathieu and his daughters."" " Mathieu?" "Which Mathieu?" " We have one here." " Here?" "Drats!" " Yes." "And he has 3 daughters." " Yes." " He says he slept in a jail." " Jalopy!" "In a jalopy." "No." "You said, "jalopy," but he said, "jail."" "Then it must be him!" "We'll ask him!" "Mathieu!" " Pinglet, I'm going to die." " Breathe!" "Breathe!" " What?" " Come here!" "Come here!" "Oh, the Commissioner!" " Only you can clear us..." " Mr. Mathieu, tell us if..." "Gentlemen!" "Madam!" "Don't all speak at once." "I can't hear a thing." "My God, he's not stuttering anymore." "Mr. Mathieu, did you spend the night at the Free Exchange Hotel?" "Of course, though I was arrested and I don't even know why." " I'll never forget it." " We don't care." "Since you spent the night there, did you see us there, Mrs. Pinglet and me?" " Me?" " Yes." " No, I didn't see you there." " You heard him!" "Even my poor daughters were taken to jail!" "We don't care about that either." "Since you didn't see us, did you see anyone else?" " Of course, I saw someone else." " Who?" " That's not hard to say." " We're ruined!" "Tell me, Pinglet!" "Pinglet, they're asking who I saw." "Yes, I heard." "You want to know who I saw?" "Stop." "You're going to rip my jacket." "Well, I saw..." " The gent..." " What is it, Mathieu?" "Oh, he's stuttering!" "My God, it's raining!" "It's raining!" "Answer the question, sir!" "Whom did you see?" " The..." "The..." " Concentrate." "Concentrate." "My God!" "He's never stuttered so much!" "Go on, Mathieu." "Tell us!" "The gent..." "The gent..." "Yes!" " We'll never get it out of him." " No!" "There may be a way." "A way?" " Make him write his deposition." " Of course!" "They're trying to kill us!" "Sir, sit here and write down whom you saw." " They'll find out." " We're finished!" " Write!" "Write!" " OK, OK..." "Sounds like a party here." "Oh no!" "The guy from last night!" "If he recognizes me, he'll tell!" " What is it?" " The gent..." "The gent..." "The gent..." "No one move!" "I'll handle this!" " Commissioner!" " You're under arrest!" " Let me go!" "Let me go!" " Take this off!" " No!" " Maxime!" "Ah!" "The man from last night!" " Huh?" " What?" "The man covered in black was him!" "Here he is!" "Maxime?" "Maxime, my nephew?" "Was it you?" "Me what?" "What's the problem?" "It was you, sir." "You were at the Free Exchange Hotel last night!" "What?" "You know?" "It was him?" "There!" "He admitted it!" " But it was..." "It was..." " No, be quiet." "Be quiet." "Who were you with?" "You wouldn't dare say you were with me!" "With you?" "Definitely not!" "Then with whom, sir?" "Because you were with a woman." "Yes!" "With whom?" "Oh, hang it all!" "With Victoire!" "Victoire?" "Where is this Victoire?" " She went up to her room." " I'll go get her." " But..." "But..." "But..." " No, be quiet." " Leave us alone." " Fine." " Come on, come on!" " Let me go!" " Come here!" " I'm not done getting dressed!" "The puce-colored dress!" "What is that dress?" "Someone gave it to me." "It was..." "No explanations!" "No explanations!" "Victoire, did you spend the night at the Free Exchange Hotel?" "How do you know that?" " And you used my name?" " Me?" "No!" "No explanations!" "No explanations!" "Stay out of this." "Go!" "I'm kicking you out." "I'm kicking you out!" " My dear..." " Stay out of it!" "Did you hear me?" "I'm kicking you out!" "Oh Lord!" "What's wrong with them?" "Hey!" "Here..." "Here..." "We don't need your deposition." "We know everything!" "We don't need it anymore." "No, we don't need it anymore!" "The train is coming soon." "Go back to Valenciennes." "Go back to Valenciennes!" "To Valenciennes!" "But the la... the la..." "It's raining." "But it's nice in Valenciennes!" "To Valenciennes!" "To Valenciennes!" "Sir, since this case is dismissed, allow me to return this 5,000 francs... which belongs to you." "To me?" "Heavens!" "My 5,000 francs!" " It belongs to me?" " Of course, because... it was you who was at the Free Exchange Hotel last night." "Is that why?" "You get a reward too?" "This is too much!" "Not only was I denied, but it cost me 5,000 francs too." "What a hotel!" "I'm going back!" "What a hotel!" "I'm never going back!" "My God what a night" "What an awful hotel" "I was at hell's gates and didn't even cheat on my wife" "I have one eye that blinks" "And aches in my legs" "Quick, a good cigar My housecoat and good-night" "I'm done with philosophers What good is Descartes" "Turns out I'd rather learn from ladies" "I'm turned out For a little hanky-panky" "Oh, what a caca..." "What a caca... what a catastrophe" "Do not go, go, go To the Free Exchange Hotel" "Because there, there, there Strange things happen" "Do not go, go, go" "Even if you're itching to" "You'll get into a fine mess At the Free Exchange Hotel" "When the vice squad shows up Oh, it can get nasty" "All the doors slam And everyone ends up at the station" "I have my guilty party" "You are very kind" "I have a good intuition That's why I'm the Commissioner" "Oh, if Mathieu talks" "It'll be a scandal" "Paillardin and me What a crazy idea" "Oh, please let it rain" "All the way to Sainte-Beuve" "I'm such a con, con..." "I'm such a confused man" "Do not go, go, go To the Free Exchange Hotel" "Because there, there, there Strange things happen" "Do not go, go, go" "Even if you're itching to" "You'll get into a fine mess At the Free Exchange Hotel" "Young Maxime Saved us and took your money" "With my 5,000 francs He'll be living large" "In room 8 There's a new little lady." "Quick!" " Get your drill" " Mine is already in my hand" "Heavens how we're shaking Let's get out of this room" "With these ghosts that come and go" "Oh, what a story" "Who would ever believe it" "So let's go back to Val... to Val" "To Valenciennes" "Do not go, go, go To the Free Exchange Hotel" "Because there, there, there Strange things happen" "Ugly ugly birds Run after saucy tarts" "And undressed men In their shirts and drawers" "Do not go, go, go To the Free Exchange Hotel" "That hotel, tel, tel Has a funny clientele" "Do not go, go, go Even if you're itching to" "You'll get into a fine mess At the Free Exchange Hotel" "Oh it's terrible Oh yes it's awful" "Because there you'll be awoken By lovers living it up" "If we amused you If we convinced you" "Even better And word to the wise, bye-bye!" "Bye-bye!" "Subtitles:" "Eclair Media"