"Oh, thank you, cousin." "I thought it was gonna suck my brains out." "Balki, you're not gonna believe what I got in the mail today." "Your letter from Publishers Clearing House?" "You may already have won?" "No, no, but this is almost as good." "Balki, what do I wanna be?" "Tall." "What do I want to do for a living?" "Be a photographer." "Yes, and who inspired me to become a photographer?" "No." "Roger Morgan." "Who that?" "Who that Roger Morgan?" "He happens to be the best photographer in the world." "And this is an invitation for Lawrence Appleton and a guest to the black-tie opening night party of his new photo exhibit." "Everybody who's anybody in the photo biz will be there." "Get out of the city." "Why would he invite you?" "Well, be..." "Because I was one of the winners of the Chicago Gazette Photo Contest." "And Roger Morgan was one of the judges." "Oh, cousin, that's nice." "Balki, Balki, it is more than just nice." "It's like me wanting to be a baseball player and meeting Pete Rose." "Or me wanting to be an actor and meeting Laurence Olivier." "Is it like me meeting the great sheepherder Zimdog Zakibadbad?" "Yes, yes." "Then this is an exciting day for you." "Yes, yes, it is." "And I'm glad I could share it with you." "Oh, cousin, a party." "I love a party." "We can play Pin the Tail on the Mule." "And we can bob for potatoes, and we can do the limbo log." "No, Balki, Balki." "I think you misunderstood." "I'm sharing my happiness with you, but I'm sharing the evening with Jennifer." "Jennifer?" "Why you ask Jennifer?" "Because she's beautiful, and I want her." " That's a good point, very good point." "But I want you to know, if she couldn't go, you were next on my list." "I mean that." "You, you." "Mr. Twinkacetti, can you believe it?" "Cousin Larry and Jennifer are going to a black-tie party." "Color me excited." "All right, you tell him it was your fault." "It was a simple mistake." " Simple mistake?" "All right, I'm a simple person." "Is that what you wanted to hear me say?" "Ladies, ladies, why the stormy weather?" "Larry, I can't go to the party tomorrow night." "I'm working." "But you were gonna fly to New York tonight and be back tomorrow." "That's what I thought, but Mary Anne got our destinations mixed." "We're not going to New York, we're going to New Zealand." "New York, New Zealand." "It could happen to anybody." "You're going to New Zealand?" "The sheep capital of the world?" "How lucky can you get?" "See?" "We won't be back until after your party." "I'm so sorry, Larry, I feel terrible." "I just hope you can find someone else to go with you." "Well, we better get going." "We've got a lot to pack." "We're coming back through New Delhi." "You didn't tell me anything about New Delhi." "I don't know anything about New Delhi." "Uh..." "Who did you say was next on your list?" "Balki, I got the tuxedos for the party tonight." "Cousin, I'm ready to party." "Now tell me how do I look?" "Balki, you're not going to meet Roger Morgan dressed like that." "Why not?" "Because this is a black-tie party, not a bullfight." "But I'm wearing a black tie." "Balki, black tie means you have to wear a tuxedo." "Well, of course it does, don't be ridiculous." "I'll go splash some on." "Balki." "This is a tuxedo." "I don't have one of that." "I know that." "That's why I got this for you." "Oh, cousin, it's beautiful." "You shouldn't have bought this for me." "I didn't." "I rented it." "You paid somebody money so I could wear his clothes?" "Yes." " But I have already have clothes." "But not like these." "Yours?" " Yes." "Yours looks just like mine." "Yes." "But if we dressed exactly alike, how would people tell us apart?" "Dental records." "Balki, believe me." "This is not the kind of party where you're supposed to have fun." "Let me get this straight." "Everybody's gonna be wearing black suits." " Yes." "And nobody's going to be having any fun?" " Yes." "What the difference is between this party and a funeral?" "There's no body." "But I can fix that." "Balki, this party is very important to me." "It is vital that we behave properly." "Roger Morgan has been known to take young photographers under his wing and make them what they are today." "What are they today?" "Photographers." "That's what you want to be." "Yes, yes, it is." "Balki, look, so you know what to expect." "Why don't we pretend that the living room is the gallery?" "There are photographs on the wall, important people standing around." "We both have drinks, we're looking at a photograph." "Someone comes up and asks..." " What kind of drink do I have?" "What kind of drink would you like?" "Cola, please." "You have a cola." "Someone comes up..." " Do you have a diet?" "Have a diet?" "You have a diet cola." "Someone comes up..." " You don't have caffeine-free?" "You have a caffeine-free diet cola." " Free diet cola." "Someone..." " Unless you got a ginger ale in there, but..." "No drinks." "We have no drinks." "We have a little pretzel?" " No." "Chip of some kind?" " No, no food, no drinks." "Nothing." "We are standing here looking at a photograph." "Oh, puppy dogs." "Fine." "Someone comes up and asks, "What do you think of this photograph?"" "I think it's pretty." " Wrong." "I think it's ugly." "Wrong." "I think it's pretty ugly." "Is this how you're going to act when you meet Roger Morgan?" "No, I'll be good." "Boy, are you strict." "Yes, I am." "Balki, at this kind of party it doesn't matter what you think." "What matters is that they think you think what they think." "Got it?" "I don't think so." " All right." "Let me make it simple for you." "When they ask you what you think, you ask them what they think." "And tell them the same thing." "But they already know what they think." " Exactly." "And they wanna hear the same thing from you." "So let's try it again." "We're looking at a picture." "Balki, where are you going?" "I'm choosing a new picture, it's enough with puppies." "Yeah, this one." "What do you think of this picture?" " Well, I..." "What do you think?" "I like it." "How about you?" " I like it too." "Very good." "All right, let's try on your tuxedo." "Cousin, are you sure this is the way people act at these parties?" "Balki, of course I'm sure." "Trust me." "This is just a game you play to get your foot in the door." "Well, don't worry, I won't embarrass you." "You're gonna be proud of me." "I guessed at the size." "Guess again." "Cousin, I'm sorry the tuxedo place was closed." "Me too." "I don't mind being a little different." "I'm proud of my heritage." "Okay, be proud." "Just stand behind me." "Which one is Roger Morgan?" "Oh, I don't see him." "Look, that's Frank Lambert." "He's the photo editor of Shutter Magazine." "And that's Dick Jorgeson." "He won a Pulitzer prize last year." "Oh, there's Margaret Milgram." "She owns the gallery." "Balki, I never thought I'd be rubbing elbows with so many important people." "I'd love to rub those elbows." "It's an expressión." "Don't rub anything." "Let's mingle." " What does that mean?" "It means talk without touching." "Without touching." ""Hitchhiker on the Road to Bitterness."" "You know, I think it's the essence of Roger's best work." "Do you really think so?" "Yes, I do." "What do you...?" "Think?" "What do I think?" " Yes." "What do I think?" " Yes." "I think it's the best of his essence too." "We have a calendar of all his work at home." "This is September." "A calendar?" "Yes, it's right over the toilet." "A toilet?" "Please." "Oh, it's right out the door to your left." "Well, I never." "Well, in that case, let me suggest a high-fiber diet." "Dennis, I need a drink." "New rule." "Don't say anything unless you've got something caught in your throat." "But, cousin, I was just agreeing with her like you said." "Don't you think it's a good picture?" " Yes, it's a good picture." "All his pictures are good." "I looked at this one all through September." "I think it might have been better if he had shot it with a wide-angle lens." "Would have made the car seem further away, a little more desolate." "Boy, you know a lot for a guy who's never sold a picture." "Thank you." "You know, I always wondered why he only shoots in black and white." "Sir?" "Thank you." "Balki, give the man back his tray." "He give it to me." " Balki." "Just take one thing, and let the waiter serve the other guests." "Thank you." "What this?" "Those are finger sandwiches." "No, Balki." "Balki." "Balki, they're not what you think." "Just take something." "Perhaps a cocktail frank?" "My name's not Frank, it's Balki." "And I think cocktails are those little drinks over there." "Thank you." "I'll try to remember that." "You know, you'd think they'd get a waiter who knew what he was doing." "Oh, yes, you think they would." "Good to see you." "Margaret, how are you?" " Roger, so good to see you." "Balki, that's him." "That's Roger Morgan." "Cousin, he is not wearing a black tie." "No wonder everyone is staring at him." "All right, this is it." "Oh, sweaty palms." "What if he wants to shake hands?" "All right." "Mr. Morgan?" " Yes." "Oh, it is such a measure to pleet you." "L..." "I'm Larry..." "Larry..." "Larry..." "Appleton." " Larry Appleton." "And I was won..." "I was won..." "Do you have something caught in your throat?" "No, no, I'm fine." "You know, Mr. Morgan, I always wondered, why do you only shoot black and white?" "Well..." " Cousin Larry was wondering that." "You were wondering the same thing, weren't you, cousin?" "Excuse us." "That's it, it's over." "The man obviously thinks I'm an idiot." "No, he doesn't, cousin." "He might think you talk a little funny, and, well, who could blame him?" "But he hasn't met the real Larry Appleton, the one who speaks English." "Now, come on, let's play the game." "No, I can't go back over to him again." "I had my chance and I blew it." "Oh, you just try again." "I can't." " Yes, you can." "Cousin, if I was standing there and the great Zimdog Zakibadbad was over there I would hope you would do this." "No, Balki, Balki, all right, put me down, put me down." "Balki, put me down." "Mr. Morgan." "My cousin Larry, again." "Yes, I remember." "He admires you." "I do, I really do." "Thank you." "And he would like to be as great as you are someday." "I would." "I would." "You know, that's the great thing about photography." "It's a nonverbal medium." "The hitchhiker picture." " Yes?" "Don't you think you took it with the wrong lens?" "Mr. Morgan doesn't do anything with the wrong lens." "Dennis." " Don't worry, Mr. Morgan." "I'll take care of these people." "Margaret?" "Margaret?" "Don't mind Dennis." "He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth." "Must have been painful for his mama." "Excuse us again." "Do have any idea what you just said?" "I was just trying to help." " Well, you didn't." "Morgan no longer thinks I'm an idiot." "He knows I'm an idiot." "And that I come from a family of idiots." "Cousin, I am trying as hard as I can." "I don't understand these strange social rules." "Thinking one thing, and saying another." "People should just be themselves." "Except Dennis." "He should be somebody else." "You're right." "I'm sorry we even came." "Those are they." "Pardon me, but how did you get in here?" "He's with me." " I was talking to you." "I was invited." " And I'm his invited guest." "Well, I'm uninviting both of you." "You're a blithering fool." "And you, you come here dressed like a..." "Like a matador." "And proceed to utter the most tactless, inane drivel..." "Now, wait a minute." "He is not being tactless." "He's being honest." "He's the only one in the room with the guts to say what he thinks." "And don't put down his clothes." "He is proud of his heritage." "No one speaks to her like that." "Well, I'm sorry, but your nana was being rude." "His nana?" "I'm calling security." "Dennis, really." "You're in trouble." "Come on, Balki, let's get out of here." "Oh, there you are." "Young man, about that lens comment." "Oh, Mr. Morgan, please, he was only repeating a stupid remark he heard me say." "Oh, but it wasn't stupid." "It was a very perceptive comment." "Well, it's what I really thought." "I'm not ashamed to admit it." "Not now anyway." " Yes." "What lens would you have used?" "Well, I guess I would have used a 28 mm." "That's exactly the lens I was gonna use." "But my camera bag was locked in the car, along with my keys." "Oh, boo, boo!" "Cousin Larry does that all the time." "It's refreshing to hear an honest criticism." "Usually, when I ask people what they think they turn around and say, "What do you think?"" "I hate that." "Larry?" "What was the name again?" "Appleton." "Larry Appleton." "Cousin Larry won 10th place in the photo contest that you helped to judge." "Appleton." "I remember the picture." "You do?" "My picture?" " Yes." "If the committee had listened to my opinion, you would have done better than 10th." "Well, Mr. Morgan, you have no idea how that makes feel." "Well, I was a beginner once too, you know." "You've got a good eye, Appleton." "I'd like to see some more of your work." " Really?" "Drop some pictures by the hotel." "Maybe I can be of help to you." "Well, thank you." " Nice outfit, kid." "Very Myposian." "I can't believe it." "Roger Morgan is gonna look at my pictures." "All right, I'll bring him these." "I can't bring him that." "Maybe this, what do you think?" "What do you think?" "No, Balki, we're not at the gallery anymore." "I really need your opinion." "No, you don't." "Cousin, everybody has an opinion." "Me, Roger Morgan, even Dennis and his nana." "But the only one that matters is yours." "Now, bring Mr. Morgan the ones that you like best." "Yeah, you're right." "Come on, Balki." "I wanna bring these over to his hotel." "Boy, this could be great." "If Roger Morgan likes these, I could be working in a newspaper in a couple of weeks." "We could be in a new apartment in a couple of months." "In a year I could win a Pulitzer." "And if he doesn't like them?" " I'll jump off the Sears Tower." "Cousin, don't you think you're getting a little crazy again?" "Isn't there somewhere in the middle?" "You're right." "How about I give him the pictures and hope for the best?" "I second that emotion."