"Carrie!" "Hm?" "Oh, crap." "Carrie?" "Yeah?" "Take a look at this." "What does this tell you?" "I don't know." "Those Queer Eye guys got ahold of ya?" "No, I had to borrow your dad's socks 'cause I'm out of socks." "My socks are not clean, and I don't have any clean underwear." "Okay, it's like a mosh pit down there." "All right, so borrow a pair from my dad." "I tried." "I couldn't figure out all the snaps and pulleys." "I'm sorry that I'm behind on the laundry because I had to cook dinner, clean up afterwards, and now I'm paying all our bills." "I told you I'd help you with that." "You never let me." "That's because the last time I let you pay the electric bill, we spent three days huddled together in the dark with blankets and candles." "And shadow puppets." "I need your paycheck, please." "I got it." "Thank you." "What's this scribbled on the back?" "Oh, I was playing around with an idea for a new Jets logo." "Are they lookin' for one?" "No." "Oh, honey, look at this." "With my raise last month," "I actually make more than you do now." "What?" "Yeah, look." "No, you don't." "I do, look." "Oh, that's 'cause I got all these deductions." "Look, I got all this FICA." "That's what's bringin' me down." "No, they took FICA." "from me too." "Look, my check can beat up your check." "Leave me alone, you big bully!" "All right, yeah." "Yeah..." "Oh, come on, I'm teasing you." "We should be proud of ourselves." "We're doing really well." "We are?" "Yes." "And according to my calculations, we actually have some disposable income." "Really?" "What do you wanna dispose it on?" "Um, well, we can start an IRA, you know?" "Start saving for our retirement." "Mm-hm, mm-hm." "What else ya got?" "Okay, well, we do need to upgrade our heating system." "That is true." "We do need to upgrade the heat" "But even more than the heating system, haven't we been needing a speedboat?" "Okay, let's put a pin in the speedboat." "Now, I'm all for splurging, but it's gotta be something we both could enjoy." "Okay." "How 'bout a speedboat and a male dancer?" "Hey, Arthur." "Ah, Spence, my boy." "Here for another lesson in gin rummy?" "A" " A lesson?" "As of yesterday, you owe me $82,000." "Ah, yes." "Double or nothing is a cruel mistress." "Look, I'll tell you what." "I'll forget the whole gin debt if you'll do something for me that'll make me very, very happy." "I'm not sure I'm comfortable where this is headed." "Listen." "It's about my mom." "What about her?" "She's out in the car." "I'm" "I'm taking her to the podiatrist right now." "The thing is, she's been feeling really down lately, you know." "Sh-she feels like nobody wants her or needs her for anything anymore." "Well, if your mother's one thing, she's astute." "Cou" " Just" "Couldn't you just- Couldn't you just go out and ask her to a movie or something?" "How can I put this nicely?" "Your mother's not my cup of tea and that I find her hideous and annoying." "Thanks for putting it nicely." "Spencer, I don't want to be late for Dr. Kaplan." "This hammer toe won't correct itself." "Hello, Arthur." "Veronica." "I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm counseling runaways in the basement." "Who are you?" "Why are you stealing my underwear?" "¿Qué?" "Oh." "Hey, honey." "Um, Inez, this is my esposo, Doug." "Ah, mucho gusto." "¿Cómo está?" "Yeah." "Um, uh..." "Me voy a lavar la ropa." "Oh, lavar." "Yes." "Laundry." "Sí, sí, sí, sí." "Okay, what-?" "What's going on?" "Who's that lady?" "She's our maid!" "What?" "Yes." "After our talk last night," "I was downstairs doing laundry, trying to Shout out anchovy paste from your T-shirt, and I thought, what would be better than having some help around here?" "A speedboat." "No." "We" " We were supposed to get something we both enjoyed." "Doug, the maid's for you too." "Really!" "Can I fish off her bow?" "No, but she can do your laundry, your dishes, and clean up after your mess." "Hm." "I already had someone doing that." "You!" "Doug, come on." "This is crazy, Car- This is a big thing, and you don't even ask me?" "No" " It's just that I fell in love with her, honey, and I told her it's only a one-week trial upon approval of my husband." "A- and she knows that?" "D- d-does she even speak English?" "A little." "But look, I remember Spanish from high school, and I bought you an English-Spanish dictionary." "Oh, great." "N- now I gotta read." "Okay." "Doug, will you just give her a chance?" "You will fall in love with her." "Please." "I don't know." "I just..." "Did I mention that Inez is an incredible cook?" "She makes a Mexican dessert that is basically deep-fried ice cream." "And here's another bonus." "When I get home from work, I won't be busy doin' all the stuff around the house." "I will have more time for pleasing' my man." "Now, she really fries it?" "Hey." "Buenos días." "Sí." "Sí, señorita." "You, eh, finish..." "¿con sus platos?" "Platos, uh..." "Eh, platos." "Platos." "Oh, yeah, Yes, yes." "Sí." "Sí." "Sí." "¿Y la leche?" "Sí." "Sí." "No." "No." "No." "Leche." "Uh..." "Um..." "I need leche." "...la leche..." "No." "No." "Oh, you, eh, wanted la leche para su cereal." "Yes, I wanted- I didn't understand you before." "Uh, I was done with the platos but not with the leche." "It's nobody's fault." "It's just a little communication problem." "You know what I'm sayin'?" "Ahem." "You take the leche." "I'm gonna hit a diner." "Yeah." "Buenas tardes." "Hey." "Leche." "Inez?" "Yes?" "I" " I'm looking for the Oreos." "Mm..." "Los Oreos?" "Oreos?" "You- The cookie?" "Mmm." "No." "Hey, honey." "We got a problem." "Oh." "Inez moved the Oreos, and they're gone" "They're just gone." "Okay, honey, relax." "We'll figure this out, okay?" "Inez?" "Yes?" "Yeah, hi." "Um, Doug is, uh, buscando, uh, galletas." "Oreos." "¡Oh, las galletas!" "Los Oreos." "Oh, look, honey." "She cleaned out the cookie jar and put cookies in there." "Okay, but now where are my Arby's coupons?" "Gracias, Inez." "...mucho sus galletas..." "Oh, yeah." "Sí." "Mucho galletas." "Mucho pudding y bacon." "Oh, yeah." "Sí." "Sí." "Look, honey," "Inez dusted under the lamp." "You know my motto, if I don't see it, I ain't cleaning it." "And look, she put fresh flowers by our bed." "Oh, that is so nice." "I'm gonna miss her." "What?" "Well, you said it was a one-week trial upon approval of your husband," "And I gotta tell ya, I don't approve." "What do you mean?" "Inez is doing great." "I disagree." "Why?" "What's wrong with her?" "Well, for one thing, she moves my snacks around, and I gotta look all over the place." "Yeah." "Well, God forbid you burn a few calories before you inhale a sheet cake." "See?" "See, I don't like how you guys are together." "What are you talking about?" "Yeah, you two laughing and plotting against me in your secret little language." "It's called Spanish, Doug, and about half the world speaks it." "Not this half." "Well, you seem to speak it pretty well when you're ordering from the Taco Bell dollar value menu." "Yeah, yeah, you got me." "Ya got me!" "'Cause I know how to say "burrito" and "more. "" "Doug, come on." "You're being ridiculous." "Car" " You did this without even asking me." "A- a-and what about all this fried ice cream" "I'm supposed to see, huh?" "Haven't seen it!" "All right." "Well, you know what?" "This is crazy." "Inez is doing a great job, and she's staying." "Well, if she's staying, she's working for free 'cause I ain't paying her." "Then I'll pay her." "I pay for most of her anyway." "Hm?" "What?" "Oh." "So that's what this is about." "You think you're the boss 'cause you're making a few more dollars than I am." "More than a few." "Oh!" "Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha." "The gloves are off." "Let me tell ya something." "If you want a war over who calls the shots in this marriage, you got one, sister." "Doug, I don't want a war." "Well, you got one, sister." "Oh, careful." "I just put down some Glo-Coat." "Uh, Veronica." "What's going on?" "Oh." "Doug hired me." "Didn't he tell ya?" "No." "No, he did not." "Well, maybe he wanted it to be a surprise." "Yeah, I'm sure he did." "Yeah." "Well, God bless him." "Just feels so good to be working again." "Hey, Car." "You, uh, met our new maid Veronica." "Yes." "I've met Spence's mother." "I hope it's not a problem, but... she speaks English." "Oh, I'd better dump this trash before it gets too full." "Oh, good eye, good eye." "She's on top of things." "You are a treasure." "Oh, stop!" "All right, just what in the hell do you think you're doing?" "Just giving a senior citizen a sense of purpose." "Feels good." "Doug, this is ridiculous." "We can't have two maids." "I agree." "Get rid of yours." "No!" "Okay, then, we got two maids." "Hey, you know what?" "We can race 'em." "Okay, you do understand that we can't afford to pay two maids?" "I don't care." "Okay, you know what?" "We can go bankrupt for all I care." "I would love that." "Good." "I hope we end up living in our car." "Great." "Hope your father likes living on the roof." "¿Más cáfe?" "Oh, yes." "Gracias, Inez." "And by the way, Inez, this chile relleno... is, uh, muy bueno." "Gracias." "Mm-hm." "It's just so cheesy." "Veronica!" "Yeah?" "Do you need something?" "No, no, no." "I just wanted to let you know that you've outdone yourself with tonight's dinner." "Oh." "It's just fish sticks." "Yeah, but they were just so fishy." "Uh, Doug, could you pass the salt, please?" "Sure." "Mm-mm." "Mm-mm-mm." "Thank you." "Well, listen, let me clean up some of these dirty dishes here" "Oh!" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'll- I'll clean that right up." "Uh-uh." "Th-th-that's okay." "That's Mrs. Heffernan's drink." "Inez will clean that up." "No, Inez." "Veronica spilled it." "I'm sure she wants to clean it." "No, she doesn't." "Doug, come on- Shh." "This is between the maids now." "All right, could we just end this now please?" "Fine." "You know what, Veronica?" "I'll be having my Oreos in the kitchen tonight." "Veronica." "Oh, hey, Arthur." "So now you're stalking me." "I'd call the authorities if I didn't have an outstanding warrant in New Hampshire." "Relax." "Doug hired me to help around the house." "See?" "I'm washing out his work clothes." "Oh." "So am I to understand you're the maid?" "Yeah." "Oh." "Then as master of the house," "I'll leave you to your duties." "Hm." "What is it?" "It's just this sudden change in circumstances." "I must admit..." "I'm finding it rather titillating." "You do?" "Perhaps it's the taboo of class distinction or the allure or your stern yet body-hugging uniform." "But I'm seeing you in a whole new light." "Look, Arthur, I was hired to work here." "Now, any personal relationship between us would be totally inappropriate." "You know just what to say to get me going." "Look at this." "Apparently, someone thought doing laundry wasn't as important as watching Sábado Gigante." "You know what they say." "When life gives you lemons... you get lemon maid." "Inez, uh, ¿Qué?" "what's going on with the, uh, lavaro here?" "No puedo ir abajo." "Why can't you go downstairs?" "¿Porqué?" "Porque Veronica siempre downstairs haciendo boom-boom con Señor Grandpa." "Do you know what's going on?" "Instead of doing her work," "Veronica is downstairs boom-booming my dad!" "What?" "Yeah!" "That's why Inez can't do the laundry." "Your maid is ruining my maid." "You're just jealous 'cause my maid's willing to go the extra mile." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Sorry I was downstairs so long." "I had to catch up on my ironing." "Okay, you know what?" "I will handle this just like I handle everything else around here." "So why don't you eat a ring-ding or a Ho Ho or a hoo-hoo" "Whatever the hell it is you eat now, okay?" "Uh, Veronica, it's pretty obvious that we have a crazy thing going on here." "But, uh, you've been doing a great job, but I'm gonna have to let you go." "Uh, excuse me." "You do not have that authority." "Yes, I do 'cause I'm the boss." "You're fired." "No, no." "You stay right here." "If anybody's getting the boot, it's her." "Sorry, Inez." "You're fired." "¿Qúe?" "Oh, God, what is the word here?" "The word." "Uh..." "Sorry, Inez." "You're confuego." "Okay, idiot." "You just told her she's on fire." "She knows what I mean." "Yeah." "Why are you still here?" "He told me to stay." "And I am telling you to leave, or it is go time." "Oh!" "Go time." "Let's go." "Yes, absolutely." "Esto es imposible." "No, no" " Yeah, right." "Absolutely." "Sorry." "Don't let the, uh, puerta hit you in the, uh..." "You know!" "Never would've happened if we got a speedboat." "Veronica." "Yes?" "Do you have a moment to pop on down to my room?" "Why?" "There's something wrong with my bed." "You're not in it." "We have all the time in the world now." "Carrie fired me." "So you're no longer the maid?" "No." "But after all we've shared, does that really matter now?" "I'll call you."