"I don't know if what happened to me was real or if it was just a dream." "I'm not even sure that that matters anymore." "But I feel like I owe you all an apology." "If you're going to believe any of this or even understand it," "I feel like I'm going to have to start at the beginning." "Looking back, it seems like only yesterday." "I fell in love with my wife, April, when I was about 5 years old." "Richie, do you want some honeysuckle tea?" "I guess." "I leamed then, when it comes to women, there's always a catch." "You're my fella, Richie, and when a girl meets a fella, they end up having tea and getting married." "Oh." "I want to be a spaceman and fly to the moon." "Dinner time, April!" "Come on in." "Okay, Mom!" "We'll get married when you get back from the moon." "I'll wait for you." "I don't care how much you plan for your future." "You don't know what it's actually going to be like until you live it." "The years passed quickly and with them came children, bills, and responsibilities." "There's never enough time, money, or freedom." "Somewhere between honeysuckle tea and "How did I get here?"" "my life happened, and I didn't recognize myself anymore." "I know a man must die, but I didn't know that he was bound to die twice." "Long before he's put into the ground, he must trade the man of his youth, his goals and dreams, for mowing lawns, taking out the trash and weekends of antiquing." "Nice ride, Mr. Chaplin." "That's kind of like dying, right?" "# And she saw me #" "# I put my foot in my mouth and started walking #" "# So why #" "# What's the problem #" "I don't regret marrying April and having a family." "I regret not really understanding what that life would look like." "I wasn't prepared for it." "April got tired of me passing through life like a sleepwalker and asked for a separation." "I wasn't prepared for that, either." "Wake up, sunshine!" "Breakfast is served." "What time is it?" "It is Sunday." "That's what time it is." "Oh, another Sunday already." "Oh." "Do you know I've been preaching to the same people for 15 years and nothing changes?" "Can't somebody else do it?" "Can't somebody else be you?" "No." "Not only does that defy the laws of physics, nobody would want to be you right now." "Fried calamari?" "What do you want from me?" "I run an Italian restaurant." "Look, Rich, I know your wife threw you out, and your kids want nothing to do with you, you're burnt out on your job; but, Buddy, start looking at things from the bright side." "Okay, I guess there is no bright side." "You ever wish you were someone else, so that you could be free to live the life you were supposed to?" "Who doesn't?" "Look at me." "I was supposed to be a hotshot Hollywood director." "Instead, I run a restaurant for the meanest guy on the planet." "Look, you play the hand you were dealt." "I'll see you in church." "I'll see you later." "Pastor?" "You got a minute before the service this moming?" "Sure, come on in, Bill, Maggie, baby." "So, how can I help you?" "It's about our baby." "She's just a baby." "It's not her fault." "You're always taking her side!" "Guys!" "Look, we didn't plan on the financial burden of a baby." "It's putting a strain on our marriage." "We're hoping you had some advice." "Well, figure it out soon, because lawyers are more expensive than children." "I've got to get ready for church." "What are you looking at?" "So, how does the story of the prodigal son end?" "Kid comes home after squandering away his father's fortune, and he is... you guys are going to love this... pretty much, he is treated like a rock star!" "Huh?" "Well, you know, we need a rock star." "Wah, wah, wah, wah!" "Huh?" "This guy's on the drums!" "Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-whoosh!" "Ah!" "The crowd goes wild!" "And the respectful son, right, the guy who stayed home, and he did the right thing, you know what he got?" "Does anybody here know what the guy that did the right thing got?" "Nada, nothing, zip!" "So, there you have it!" "Life is unfair." "That about covers it." "Well, thank you." "That was interesting." "Let's everyone pick up their hymnals." "Obnoxious, when subtlety isn't enough." "The following live presentation is a paid for advertisement." "Did you ever wish you were someone else?" "You have no idea." "Have you ever wondered," "'Is this all there is?"" "Every day." "Hello, folks." "I'm Big Earl, and I'm here to tell you about a program guaranteed to give you a new heart and spirit, but you have to act fast." "Time is running out." "Call now." "Big Earl." "Got that?" "So, Michael, how's school?" "Why is it when parents don't know what to say to their kids, they ask about school?" "Well, school is important." "I don't like this food." "So, what's new with you Briar?" "Nothing." "Who are you texting?" "It's really none of your business." "She's in love with a boy." "Shut up, dork-a-lo!" "Children!" "I'm not a child!" "So, everybody enjoying their meal?" "What is it?" "Well, young lady, that is the house special, a sauteed tripe in a mongoose marinade." "Hmm?" "Ah, I'm needed in the kitchen." "Bon appetit." "What's a tripe?" "What's a mongoose?" "You don't have to eat that." "Eighty-six the marinade!" "Hey, Mikey!" "Where's your mom?" "Probably in the garage." "Hey, maybe next week we could go to that, that game place you like." "Hey." "What's all this?" "I'm cleaning out the garage and turning it into an art studio." "What started all this?" "I haven't painted since college." "I like to finish what I start." "You're saying that I don't?" "Well, there's the playhouse you were supposed to build the kids." "You said, "What's the point?" "They're just going to grow out of it one day."" "And then there was the mug that Ruby was supposed to paint me for Mother's Day." "I think that was about the time you checked out and just, you know, stopped trying." "Okay, but what else besides those?" "What else didn't you finish?" "Um, oh, yeah, our marriage." "I'm not the one who asked for a separation." "But you've changed, Richie." "You are not the man that I married." "I mean, it's like you're a roommate, and all you do is complain about how unfulfilled your life is." "I mean, do you have any idea what it does to a woman's spirit to feel like, you know, she's an anchor around her husband's neck?" "It's not like that at all." "I mean, haven't you ever wondered if there was more out there?" "More than us?" "I mean, more than me?" "That's not what I meant." "I have waited for you to figure out what's important," "Richie, okay?" "And after 15 years and 3 kids, I am still waiting." "How come I'm not in the picture?" "Because you haven't wanted to be." "April, wait a second." "April!" "Obnoxious, when subtlety isn't enough." "Big Earl here, reminding you of a program guaranteed to wash the old you away!" "Make the first step for a new you." "Call now." "Your stone heart will be replaced, but you have to act now." "Time is running out." "Well, he's persistent." "I'll give him that." "Call now." "I'm talking to you." "Hey, I need cheering up." "You want to come over with a movie or two from your massive collection?" "Cool, see you in a bit." "I don't get what you're doing, Lord." "I was supposed to be a great man, a leader, someone who inspired people, Lord," "but instead I feel like I'm nothing." "I'm nothing." "I'm ordinary." "I'm miserable." "I'm losing my family." "Please, God, help me to be the man you want me to be." "Help me to be... anybody except who I am." "Tony?" "Tony?" "Time to get up, Mr. Bastion." "The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desire of the diligent is fully satisfied." "No eggs this morning for you." "The doctor says you need more fiber." "Uh, where am I?" "Now, don't you start making a fuss about this breakfast." "Fresh fruit never hurt anybody." "Who, who are you?" "I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, ma'am." "I don't know what happened." "I think I just..." "I must've been sleepwalking and, and wandered into the wrong house." "Are you all right, Mr. Bastion?" "I, I, I've gotta..." "I'll be going now." "I'm, I'm, I'm sorry." "I don't, I don't know what happened." "I'm sorry." "Mr. Bastion, you open this door." "You're scaring me." "Wake up, wake up, Rich." "Wake up." "Ai!" "Ah!" "Hold on, Mr. Bastion." "I'm going to call your doctor." "I knew something like this would happen." "Oh, okay, this isn't happening here." "This is just a bad dream, Rich." "He's having another one of his spells, and I can't find his heart pills anywhere." "Mr. Bastion, you come back here." "You need to take your pills!" "Well, looks like he tied one on again last night." "Tony, Tony!" "Oh, oh!" "Goodness!" "Okay." "It's so good to see you, buddy." "Good to see you, too, Mr. Bastion." "What?" "Maybe we should get in the car." "You come back here, Mr. Bastion!" "You need to take your medicine!" "Good idea." "Let's get out of here!" "Yeah." "Something really weird is happening, Tony." "I know." "I don't know what it is, but traffic's backed up for miles." "Hey, Carl, take the side roads." "Stay off the highway." "Tony, look at me." "What do you see?" "Well, I see a very brilliant and successful restaurateur." "No, who do you see?" "Well, I see you, Mr. Bastion." "You want something to drink?" "Thank you." "You're not going to believe this, but when I woke up this morning, it was..." "Ah!" "What is this, whiskey?" "Frank, do you feel all right?" "No, I'm not!" "I'm tired, and my joints ache." "My stomach is on fire!" "I need some air!" "I need some... ah!" "He's having a heart attack!" "Ah, ah, ah!" "Tony, what is happening to me?" "Frank, do you have your heart pills?" "I am not Frank!" "Ah, man, time to look for another job." "You need to give him a pill!" "No, sir." "What if I get some of that heart attack spit on me." "I'm Rich!" "You're going to be rich and dead, if you don't take this pill!" "Rich, Rich Chaplin!" "Tony, help me." "Help me, Tony." "Help me." "Help me, Tony." "Oh, oh," "I'm starving!" "Oh, oh." "What?" "I need food." "You've gotta be kidding me." "Butter?" "Nothing you do, nothing you do will ever be good enough." "You have a terrible smile." "Who do you think you are?" "Oh, come on!" "I don't know what kind of game you're playing, Chloe, but you'd better not be ate for this photo shoot." "This is your last chance with this client!" "You got that, Chloe?" "Last chance!" "Hello, hello." "You're ugly." "Work harder." "You're worthless?" "Wow, this is getting ridiculous." "Oh." "Hello, this is Tony." "Tony, it's me again." "Yes, ma'am, what can I do for you?" "It's me, Rich Chaplin, your best friend!" "Look, lady, I am in no mood for this kind of thing today." "Listen to me, carefully." "Your name is Frabrutzio Morelli." "You've called yourself Tony since the second grade, because you didn't like the name Frabrutzio." "When we were 12, I helped you break the world's record for stuffing the most frogs down a person's pants." "I need your help, Tony." "And if you think it was weird when I was your boss, just wait until you see me as a starving model in 4-inch heels!" "You do realize that you look like a beautiful woman?" "I'm aware of that." "Is there anything to eat in here?" "I'm starving." "Would it be weird if I asked you out?" "I mean, technically, you're not you anymore, and we have a..." "Dude, get over the way that I look and help me figure out what is happening to me." "Of course, you're right." "All right, uh, okay, did you have a recent encounter with a genie or a leprechaun?" "No." "Aunicorn?" "No." "All right, rules that out." "Are you now or have you ever been a terminator, replicator, or any other form of bio-robotic being?" "Ah." "All right, that rules out science fiction." "All right, were you recently bitten, perhaps, by a..." "Okay, you know what?" "This is, this is getting us nowhere." "Whew." "Really?" "Well, all right." "What is the last thing you remember before this happened?" "I was, I was at the church waiting for you to come over." "Yeah, but that's just it." "I did come over last night." "We watched movies 'til like 2:00 in the morning." "You're telling me you don't remember that?" "No, I don't remember that!" "This is so weird." "All right, so then what happened?" "I don't know." "I was watching TV." "This guy was talking about the new me, and I prayed." "You prayed?" "Yeah, I prayed." "So what?" "That changes everything, friend." "Divine intervention." "It's a whole other ball game." "'It's A Wonderful Life"?" "1946, Frank Capra's conic masterpiece." "The answer to your dilemma rests in here." "You're saying I'm supposed to watch this movie?" "I'm saying you're supposed to live this movie." "Obviously, your prayers were answered." "Clearly, you have something you need to do." "I suggest you go with it." "Go with it?" "I'm a man of God!" "I don't believe in magic or fantasy!" "God doesn't work this way!" "What?" "You mean miracles?" "Okay, if I'm supposed to help you, the first thing you are going to do is eat." "Yeah." "Oh." "Hello?" "So now you answer your phone." "Are you flaking on me again, Chloe?" "You called earlier." "Yes, Chloe, that's what agents do, and as your agent," "I'm now asking why aren't you at the shoot?" "There is no need for you to yell like that." "It's disrespectful." "I'm texting you the directions again." "Okay, go with it." "# You're shy Come on #" "# It's time to lose yourself #" "# So go on, get free #" "# Right underneath your feet now #" "# And get on the backbeat #" "# Weight of the world off your shoulders #" "# Put on the repeat and rock it 'til it's over #" "# Come get on the backbeat #" "# Get it up and under your feet now #" "# If you've got the backbeat #" "# Then let me hear you say yeah #" "# Here we go #" "# Lose control #" "# Let's leave this world behind us #" "Where is she?" "The client is losing confidence." "Not to worry." "I'm sure she'll walk in any second now." "Hi, guys." "Sorry I'm late." "Interesting choice." "Tell me you can fix that." "Maybe with a spatula and a blow torch." "Poor girl needs some lessons in self-defense." "Who did this to her?" "You've really done it now, Chloe." "Look at you." "I told you this was your last chance." "I don't feel so good." "I feel dizzy." "Get it together, you freak, or I will ruin you in this town." "Hello, Chaplin residence." "Hello, Briar?" "Yeah, who's this?" "It's..." "Wrong number, sorry." "So, who was that on the phone?" "Some weirdo, I guess." "Well, I guess that's all that's left." "I can ask Colin to come haul it away." "This is not the way it was supposed to happen." "He promised me." "Who, Dad?" "How do you know if a boy s going to break his promise to you?" "Is there something that you want to tell me?" "No, what are you talking about?" "Ooh, yes, yeah, I like it." "Hey, there you go." "# I've got this joy right down in my heart #" "# It's gonna bubble, bubble out of my life #" "Wow, she looks awful." "You got anything to eat?" "Tell me there is something you can do about her makeup?" "I could blend it a bit." "Actually, the client likes this look, heroin chic, kind of a raw, post-modern nouveau." "It's the latest thing in the enviro garbage toxic greenhouse thing." "Right." "You, out!" "Chloe, in!" "Awful." "Chloe, in!" "# I've got this joy, got this joy right down in my heart #" "# It's gonna bubble, bubble out of my life #" "# It's gonna bubble, bubble out of my life #" "Hey." "Yeah, here we go." "She looks wounded." "Ha-ha." "I like it!" "Show me rage!" "Oh, yeah, that's it, more rage." "More like that, more like it." "Oh, yeah, yeah, nice, nice." "Oh, that's nice." "Is she dead?" "If she is, these pictures will be worth a fortune." "Chloe, Chloe!" "Chloe, Chloe!" "Am I dead?" "Is this heaven?" "Why is everything so white?" "It's April and the kids!" "That fish looks like t's having a spaz attack." "Are you serious?" "I'm a fish?" "I think it's because we're eating its family." "I don't care what Tony says." "This has gone too far." "Tony said to tell you guys it's on the house, tonight." "Oh, tell him thank you for us." "Thanks for coming." "Sure." "April!" "Hey, over here!" "Mom?" "Mm-hm?" "When is Daddy coming home?" "Um, Daddy and I are, you know, we're taking some time apart, so we can figure out what's best for all of us." "How is taking time apart best for anyone?" "Listen, you guys, I know that this is very hard for you to understand, okay?" "It's very hard for me to explain." "Well, haven't you known Daddy your whole life?" "What are you waiting for him to do?" "Sometimes, you know, your father, he needs a push in the right direction." "I'm here in the room!" "Well, what's next?" "I push harder." "Remind me never to get married." "Okay, you guys, come on." "Let's go, everybody." "Hey, come back, kids!" "April, it's me." "It's time I get a little rough with him." "Come on, honey, let's go." "Ruby!" "Yeah, Ruby, over here." "I love you, honey." "I promise to try harder." "No, no, no!" "Hello, fishy." "No." "You're so pretty." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Hey, stop that." "Now, what is that?" "Wait a minute." "Oh, no." "Come on!" "I'm a baby?" "What's the matter with her now?" "There's nothing the matter with her, Bill." "She's a baby." "Wait a minute." "That's Bill and Maggie." "Why does she keep doing this?" "I mean she starts crying, and she stops crying." "I mean..." "Babies cry." "They're my parents?" "Oh, this is not good." "It's 2:00 in the morning." "I mean, isn't it bad enough I've got to work overtime?" "Now she won't even let me sleep." "She's not doing it on purpose." "Guys, really?" "You're going to fight now?" "Now look what you did." "Now she's crying." "Right, I'm the one that made her cry." "Come on." "Hello?" "This is no way to treat a baby." "Look, babe, I've gotta get back to bed." "Ooh, I've got a full diaper, and I think I might have a rash." "I'm pretty hungry down here." "Oh, now we're talking." "Boy, that's some good stuff right there." "Mm-mm." "Ooh, I've got a little gurgle in my stomach." "There's a little something to show my appreciation." "Oh, now, was that so hard?" "Babies are people, too." "Goodnight, sweet girl." "They just want a little love." "Wait, baby." "Hush, not yet." "One, two, three." "Happy birthday!" "Now let's see about that peach pie." "Yeah, yeah." "Come on, grandma." "Mama, come on." "Open up your presents, Mama, and then we can eat supper." "Read my card, Mama." "My eyes, I can't, I can't see." "Muriel, you lose your glasses again?" "I guess so." "Here you go, Mama." "Thank you." "For the best great grandmother anybody could ever have." "Love, Kizzie." "Open up your presents, Mama." "I'm hungry." "Darryl!" "What?" "No, I shouldn't open these presents." "Save those for her, for me later." "Of course." "You must be tired after working all day." "How old are you now?" "Kizzie, a lady never tells her age." "You got that right." "I still don't know how old you are." "How old is grandma?" "Darla, please." "What?" "How are things at the plant?" "Same thing every day." "Why didn't you wear that jacket I love?" "Girl, it don't even fit anymore." "But, you know, t's getting old anyway." "They haven't won a game in 4 years." "Something wrong over there." "Mama," "I told Charles, whenever you're ready, come stay with us." "I can't imagine what it must be like living all alone." "A toast." "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!" "Since when does Muriel allow alcohol in her house?" "It's tea, Reverend Green." "It's just tea." "Well, somebody should've told me." "We did." "Mama, I don't know how you did it." "After Daddy died, I was so scared for you and for all of us." "I remember hating seeing you get up at the crack of dawn to go clean people's houses, working your fingers to the bones all them years to keep a roof over our heads and keep us kids out of trouble." "I felt guilty for all your burdens." "We all did." "But if I heard you say it once," "I heard you say it a million times." "You told us, 'It's not a burden."" "It's a privilege." "It's a privilege." "And, today, Mama, we have the privilege of returning that love and commitment." "So, happy birthday." "We love you." "Good, now let's go eat before she gets any older, huh?" "Reverend Green, could you lead us in prayer?" "Well, now, I don't often shy away from giving thanks, but this time, I think it's fitting if Muriel led us." "Sure." "Dear Lord, we thank you for this wonderful time and this beautiful day." "Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to share with this family and for showing me what t's supposed to look like, according to your plan." "And, Lord, I don't know how much time I have left with them, but each moment is a blessing." "Amen." "Amen." "Ah, the little girl looks stressed." "You okay, Dorothy, huh?" "Tony, where is he?" "I've been trying to give this to him for days." "Have you seen him?" "That depends." "You know, I, I really thought that this separation, you know, would, would make him come around, but I don't even think he cares anymore." "No, April, Rich cares." "He just, he hasn't been himself lately." "Okay, well, you know what?" "You give this to him, okay?" "And you tell him our court date is on Friday." "If he has something to say to me, he can just say it then, hm?" "Yeah." "Ah, Rich, where are you, man?" "Wake up, Colin!" "I don't know why you think you can sleep in all day!" "Look at this mess!" "Olean up this room before you go out today." "Yes, ma'am." "Ma'am?" "Are you doing drugs?" "Um, I don't think so." "Let's go." "And be more productive today." "You." "You're a jerk!" "Hello?" "Where are you?" "You were supposed to pick me up a half an hour ago." "Briar?" "My mom's coming back soon, and now she's going to know." "She's, she's going to know what?" "Stop acting like such a dufe ball and just get over here!" "Oh, I knew you were trouble." "Where are you going?" "I'm not sure." "I think I'm supposed to pick up Briar." "Hey, you ever think about the way you raised me, that maybe you've been a little too lenient?" "When I get back, we should take some time to talk about proper discipline." "# So why what's the problem #" "What is this garbage they listen to?" "Oh, nice touch, very homey." "Michael, Ruby!" "Oh, hey, Colin." "Hey?" "What's up, brother!" "Yeah, um, awkward." "Ruby, give Daddy a big hug." "You're not my daddy." "No, I'm not your daddy, but how about a daddy-sized hug, right?" "Huh?" "Okay, all right." "Uh, so what are you guys doing?" "We're playing in our playhouse." "That's not a playhouse." "It's as close as we're ever going to get to one." "What are you doing out here?" "Hi, honey." "I missed you so much." "No, whoa." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "I'm telling Mom you hugged a boy." "That's right." "You're telling your mother, because that was completely inappropriate." "You'd better keep your mouth shut, you little twerp." "Hey, that's no way to talk to your little brother." "You're not supposed to have boys here when Mom's not home." "He's got a point." "You know, I shouldn't even be here." "You are in big trouble, little lady." "Come on, let's go." "Wait, shouldn't we, uh, you know, wait for your mother to get home?" "My mom?" "Man, I sure would like to see her." "Okay, if you don't stop acting like such a freak," "I'm going to scream." "Okay, okay." "I'll see you guys later, huh?" "Bye." "Bye." "Hey, smile." "Hey, wait up." "What a freak." "You want to tell me where we're going?" "This whole thing was your idea." "Wait, are you backing out now?" "You promised me." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Promised you what?" "You are just like my dad." "My mom trusted him, and look where it got her." "Wait, wait, just slow down." "What are you talking about?" "The doctor's office." "Remember?" "You're taking me to the doctor's office." "Why?" "Are you sick?" "You're really going to make me say it?" "Isn't that enough that I've agreed to do it?" "Do what?" "Of all the..." "I can't believe you would... your mother would faint if she knew." "You're in so much trouble right now!" "I can't... with Colin, of all people, Colin, me, with... young lady, you are grounded 'til the rapture!" "Briar, Briar!" "Briar Emily Chaplin, you get back here right this instant!" "Excuse me?" "There is no reason for you to be using that tone of voice with my daughter." "April, I'm glad you're here." "We've got major problems." "I would prefer you address me as Mrs. Chaplin, Colin." "If it's not bad enough, our kids are playing in a pile of wood, Briar's about to make a huge mistake with a boy!" "What are you talking about?" "What boy?" "Me!" "Uh, not me, but Colin." "You know what?" "I think it's time for you to leave." "April, April, listen to me." "Okay, listen to me." "I need you to keep an open mind on this, okay?" "I am your husband." "I'm him, me, Rich!" "Okay, that's not funny, Colin." "No, you, you have to believe me, April." "I am the father of your children." "Okay, you know what?" "Don't you ever come here again, okay?" "I want you to stay away from Briar and stay away from my family." "And if you do come around, I'm going to have you arrested." "April?" "Or better yet, committed to an institution." "April!" "Yeah, all right, all right." "Can I help you, young man?" "It's me again." "I liked you better when you were a hot babe." "You have no idea the day that I've had." "See, that's what's weird, because I just spent the whole day with you." "What?" "The other you, the real you, trying to figure this whole thing out." "You mean I'm still walking around?" "Yes!" "What was I like?" "Same old miserable self-loathing, suck the energy out of a room guy you always are." "How can you stand to be around me?" "Why are you still my friend?" "Because you haven't always been like this." "Do you remember when I went to New York, and I fell on my face out there trying to make it n the movie business?" "All I ever wanted was to direct and write movies, and it didn't work out." "I was in a bad way." "You, you drove all the way from the West Coast to come out there and straighten me out." "You saved my life... by introducing me to Jesus, and I found out that I could actually have a better life than the life I thought I wanted." "You know, Rich, you may not like yourself very much, but you've got the ability to make those people around you like themselves a whole lot more." "That's a gift, man." "I don't know about that." "Why is this happening to me?" "Am I being punished?" "Well, let's break it down." "Have you learned anything?" "Have I leamed anything?" "Do you know what I've learned?" "My youngest kids think that I'm a loser." "My oldest daughter is about to make the biggest mistake of her life." "And so, yeah, yeah, I've learned." "I've leamed that I am a terrible father and a husband." "But we already knew that." "I'm saying have you leamed anything different?" "When is this going to end?" "Buddy, that's entirely up to you." "Do you feel like you've touched rock bottom?" "Do you feel like you're at the end of your rope?" "Have you thought about just giving up?" "No!" "Look, things are going to get a lot worse before they get better." "Every hero has to die before he could be bom again." "I'm a Christian." "I'm already born again." "Ah, I think you were bored again." "What you need right now is a crises that's going to change the way you live your life." "What do you mean?" "This may speed things up." "April brought this by before." "I was supposed to give it to you." "I was kind of hoping for the best." "What is it?" "I don't know." "I didn't read it." "It's divorce papers." "I've gotta get out of here." "I've gotta go back home and save my marriage!" "Hey, hey!" "Come here!" "April!" "April, it's me!" "Go away, Colin." "April, April, it's me!" "All right, boy, come on!" "Well, ma'am, I guess that about wraps it up." "I have no idea what came over him." "He frightens me." "Well, it looks like he's got it bad for your daughter, April." "Actually, I'm April." "Oh, well, it's worse than I thought, then." "Ah, a night in county ought to smarten him up." "Have a good night." "Thank you." "Whew." "Funny thing about life." "Just when you think things can't get any worse, they usually do." "Why me, Lord?" "Why did you put me in this story, if it wasn't going to have a happy ending?" "# Why me, Lord,#" "# Why can't I have a happy ending #" "# Aboo-hoo, boo-hoo #" "# A crybaby you #" "# Aboo-hoo, boo-hoo #" "That's a little rude." "Well, you were having a pity party out loud, so naturally I assumed everyone was invited." "I thought I was alone." "# Oh, I'm all alone #" "# And nobody cares,#" "# Ooh, I'm all alone #" "# Ooh, I'm all alone #" "You're never alone, son." "You should know that." "I know you." "You're that guy from the TV commercial." "And I know you." "You're the guy who's ready to throw it all away, cause you think life's unfair." "If you're so smart, why are you in jail?" "Oh, I like jail." "Folks who end up in jail usually spend a lot of time thinking about the mistakes they made in life, their regrets." "So, people who are at the end of their rope are more likely to buy into your program?" "If that's what it takes." "Look, I'm gonna level with you." "This is not me, okay?" "I'm not who you think I am." "This, this is not..." "I'm not this person." "I mean, this, this is not me." "I'm serious." "Why are you doing that?" "You couldn't possibly understand how I feel." "Here's what you need to understand." "What you feel is a choice." "Happiness is a decision you make." "Hey, that door is locked." "Of course, it's locked." "This is a jail." "Sleep on it, son." "You're running out of time." "Wait a minute." "Hey!" "Hey!" "So, this is what rock bottom feels like." "Dad, come back." "It's over." "I'm home." "I'm home." "April?" "Daddy?" "Ruby?" "It's okay, honey." "I'm here." "You were just having a bad dream." "I want Daddy." "But Daddy's right here." "Daddy's not far away, honey." "And he loves you very much." "She's having a bad dream about Daddy again?" "She's going to be fine." "We're all going to be fine." "Tell me a story." "A story?" "What's going on?" "We were just about to tell a story." "Come on." "Once upon a time, there was a man with two sons who lived on a farm, and one of the sons thought that life on the farm was too hard of work and too boring, and so he left in search of something different." "He ran away?" "Kind of." "He was jealous of the way that other people lived, rich people, people who he thought had exciting lives." "While he was away, he, he kept getting into all kinds of trouble, because he kept doing things that he knew were wrong." "Well, one day, the son decided that he had had enough of this life, and he just wanted to go home." "He felt that life really wasn't worth much without his family and his farm." "So, he went home, and his father was so excited to see him that he threw him this big party." "Did they have ice cream and a pinata?" "Sure." "Why not?" "Well, what does the story mean, Mom?" "It means that no matter what you've done, who you've become, or how far you've strayed..." " that our heavenly Father and our earthly father will always welcome us back with open arms." "It's never too late to go home." "It's never too late." "Have you seen Dad?" "Uh, yeah, he's around." "Why?" "I wanted to talk to him about, you know, what happened last night with Colin and the police and all." "Uh, yeah, I think that's a really good idea." "Hey, would you mind watching Mike and Ruby for me this afternoon?" "I've gotta run out for a while." "Twenty bucks?" "How about ten?" "Dad always gives me 20." "Actually, I know for a fact that he doesn't." "Your father and I have a lot more in common than you think." "Dad always burns the pancakes, so I guess you have that in common, too." "Hm?" "Oh, oh!" "Who wants to go to Uncle Tony's for breakfast?" "Kids!" "Hey, Uncle Tony." "Hey." "Good to see you." "April, I tried to give Rich these papers." "He wouldn't take them." "It's me again." "Rich?" "Yeah, yeah." "I woke up last night as April." "Oh, buddy, you look terrible." "Oh, this, this is awful." "Actually, t's been pretty great." "I envy my wife's relationship with the kids." "All that's going to change now." "Well, look, dude, whatever you're going to do, you'd better do it quick." "You've got court in an hour." "Okay, okay." "What comes next?" "Well, you have to face your enemy, and you have to defeat it." "Okay." "Who's the enemy?" "Who's the enemy?" "You." "You've always been your own worst enemy." "All right, listen, after the kids finish eating, can you take them back to your place for a while?" "Yeah, yeah, sure." "This ends today." "Kids." "Ha, ha." "You, we need to talk." "Excuse me." "Who are you?" "Your Honor, that's a really good question." "Just who are you?" "Do you even know anymore?" "You're a man of the cloth sitting in a divorce court." "I mean, you don't even believe in divorce!" "You must be the defendant in Chaplin versus Chaplin." "Well, wait." "No, you're the one who filed, citing irreconcilable differences." "Oh, we're different all right." "I'm nothing like you, not anymore." "What do you want me to do?" "How about wake up?" "While you sit around complaining that nothing exciting ever happens in your life, all the good parts are passing you by." "I get that now." "I realize... what you need to realize is that it's not about being someone else." "It's about being the best you that you can be." "She has a point." "I've tried, and it gets me nowhere." "That's because you always try to do it by yourself." "God wants to help you, Rich." "He wants to help you do stuff, and if you don't let him, he might very well let you fail." "And trust me, as time goes by, his methods can get a little extreme." "Are you saying you want to withdraw your petition for a divorce?" "I'm saying that happiness is a choice." "It's a conscious decision you have to make." "Choose to step up and lead this family away from the brink of disaster." "If you need help, just ask for it." "God will help you." "What's it gonna be?" "Ma'am?" "Ma'am, you cannot just walk out on these proceedings." "Mrs. Chaplin!" "Fight for us." "Fight for us, Rich." "We can't have a divorce without a petitioner." "Postponed 30 days." "Next." "I'm so sorry." "I was too late." "Are you saying they're better off without me?" "Why?" "My heart came apart." "I just want to go home, Lord." "I promise you that I will, I will choose to rejoice." "I will choose to see and appreciate all of the blessings in my life," "but I can't do it alone, God." "Help me to go home again." "Please." "Help me be me again." "Help me be me again." "I just want to be me again." "I just want to be me again." " How come I'm not in the picture?" " Because you haven't wanted to be." " Did you ever wish you were someone else?" " You have no idea." "Give you a new heart and spirit." " God doesn't work this way!" " You mean miracles?" "Dad, come back." "I'm saying your prayers were answered." "Have you lost your mind?" "Tony?" "It's me, Rich." "Yeah." "Tony, look at me." "What do you see?" "I see a stark-raving lunatic." "Thank you, Lord!" "I'm me again!" "It's the most amazing thing." "I mean, I asked God for a miracle, and he blessed me with this unbelievable experience." "I mean, I, I spent a week turning into all these different people, but all I wanted to do was just to come back home and be me again." "A week?" "Dude, I just talked to you a half an hour ago." "You told me to bring a movie over." "It all happened in half an hour?" "Well, of course, it did." "He's God, right?" "I mean, he could do anything." "Today isn't by any chance Christmas, is it?" "Now you're pushing it." "Yeah." "You're a good friend, Tony." "I'm glad I could help?" "There is one more thing I need you to do for me, though." "I need you to go by the restaurant..." "Richie?" "What is this?" "I mean, Rich, I don't, I don't understand." "What's to understand?" "I'm your fella." "We're supposed to drink honeysuckle tea and live happily ever after." "Okay, Rich, listen." "You need to stop, because I can't..." "I spent the last few years thinking that I missed out on something, that somehow life would've been better if I'd chosen another road." "It took a miracle, April, to show me that there's nobody that I'd rather be than me, but not without you." "I was thinking that we were getting in the way of you, you know, of you flying to the moon." "I'm already there." "April, forgive me." "I can't get those years back, but I promise you that I will never take you or the kids for granted again." "I love you." "I love you." "It's a playhouse!" "It's totally awesome!" "It looks like our date is over." "It's just beginning." "Daddy's home!" "Hey, honey, how are you?" "My baby!" "I had a dream you would come home." "You did?" "Well, I'm home now." "You want to go in and check it out?" "Go on, check it out." "Go look!" "It's totally awesome!" "I know!" "You, too, darling." "You know you like it." "I, uh, I have to run out for a little while, take care of some business." "But I, I just got you back." "I know, but I have to." "I, I think it's part of the deal." "Will you meet me at Tony's for lunch a little later?" "Absolutely." "Go, go." "Hey, Richie." "Yeah?" "I'm glad you're home." "Me, too." "Thank you." "What do you think?" "It's awesome!" "Can you believe it?" "Since when do I have to open my own door, Carl?" "It's not like you can't use the exercise, Frank." "You're not Carl!" "Who in the blazes are you?" "I'm your wake-up call." "Get out of my car!" "Obviously, you don't know who I am." "Oh, I know who you are." "You're a ticking bomb." "You drink too much, you smoke too much, and you're so cruel and mean to everyone, your own heart is eating itself from the inside." "What do you want?" "Who sent you?" "You're going to die soon, Frank, alone and miserable." "You sound like my cleaning lady, always talking about my soul." "That woman's insufferable." "Sometimes I wonder if that's why she still works for me." "Areal smart lady." "Here." "Give us a chance." "Come by and see me when you're ready to talk, but act soon." "Believe me when I say that you don't have much time." "Good morning!" "That's right, call your parents, and I'll make sure they find out about the lovely literature you keep under your bed." "So, I understand you are in love with my daughter." "Sorry." "Yeah, I love her!" "What is this all about?" "Oh, maybe one day you'll get married and have a daughter of your own." "I guess." "And she'll grow up to pose in one of those magazines." "No way." "The girls in those magazines aren't anyone's daughter." "Let me put it to you this way." "The music you listen to, the magazines you read, you can't help but look at women as things." "You can't be in love with a thing." "My daughter, Briar, is not a thing." "It's different for you, all right?" "You're an old guy and a pastor." "I was you once, not that long ago." "My daughter is about to do something foolish to prove that she loves you." "Prove to her that you love her, and don't ask her to." "The keys are in the sock." "Daddy?" "Yes, honey?" "I'm sick of eating here." "You know, I think I am, too." "It is so good to see all of you here together again." "So, how'd it go, you know, with the old man?" "Perfect." "Just one last loose end I need to tie up." "Rich, what are you doing?" "You people don't know how to take care of your fish here." "Rich, you can't take my fish." "Come on, guys." "You asked to see us, Pastor?" "Oh, yeah." "Come on in, guys." "I've been thinking more about what we talked about last week, and I just wanted to apologize for the way that I treated you." "As I remember, the problem was about money, the cost of raising a child." "Yeah, that's right." "Kids cost a fortune." "Actually, according to the government, the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 is $160,140." "When you do the math, it comes out to about $24.24 a day, a little over a dollar an hour." "You know what?" "I think we've heard enough." "No, just, just wait a second." "Let's just see what a dollar will get you." "I mean, the question is whether or not it's worth it, right?" "For about a buck an hour, you get to witness a miracle of modern medicine every time you heal a scraped knee with a lollipop and a kiss." "A dollar will earn you glimpses of God and giggles under the covers at night." "You get to be a hero for taking training wheels off a bike, getting a Frisbee off the roof, or just pulling out a splinter." "You get Velcro hugs and butterfly kisses." "Is it worth it?" "I can't answer that for you." "Here, you do the math." "Pastor, thank you." "You're welcome." "I'll see you at service." "I once heard that at the end of every good story, the hero must make a speech to show that he's grown or learned from his experience." "You know, that's true." "I guess this was mine." "Sometimes we don't understand the gifts that we receive." "It's so easy to lose sight of why we're here, that God wants us to live and to be happy, according to his plan." "And when you receive such a beautiful gift, you should, in turn, pass that gift on to others." "So that they might never lose sight of God's plan." "Was it a miracle, what happened to me?" "Like I said, I'm not sure that any of this really happened or if it was just a dream, but maybe the truth is whispered to us through our dreams, like a message from a friend that arrives at exactly the right time," "telling us exactly the words we need to hear." "It's so easy to get lost chasing a life we thought we wanted, convincing ourselves that power, fame, or wealth will make us happy, that we lose sight of what is truly important, and all we need is a little push to reveal" "what we've been missing." "It is the love of our family, our friends, and the love of God that will bring us happiness." "We just need to take that first step and reach out for it." "You see, it's okay to follow a dream, as long as we don't abandon those who truly love us." "Mom?" "It's me, Chloe." "I missed you too, Mom." "So, you can spend your time pretending to be someone you're not, but it's wasted time, because God is rooting for you." "He wants you to come back to him." "He wants you to come home." "So, did you go to the moon yet?" "No, I couldn't get my spaceship to fly." "So, can we get married now?" "What makes you think we're getting married?" "An angel promised me we would." "What?" "I had a dream, and the angel said that we would get married, and he promised that we would be happy, but he did say I might have to get rough with you." "The angel said you might gotta get rough with me?" "I think he was an angel." "He said his name was Earl, Big Earl." "# On this roller-coaster ride #" "# Won't you ride with me #" "# It's taken me on the ride of my life #" "# No, it's not my emotions #" "April, I tried to give the..." "# It's just you and me for the ride of our lives #" "We're not starting with the fish?" "# Take me under the water Drop me off of the tracks #" "# I'm in your care So I don't care about that #" "# The ticket's been paid by the most expensive thing #" "# The smile on my face #" "# You know I'd like to be there #" "# It doesn't mean I'm not stable #" "# It doesn't mean that at all #" "# I will ride #" "# Take me away from this normal life #" "# I ride #" "# I will find a new way of life #" "Who are you looking at?" "I'm looking off into the cosmos from whence I drama..." "Stop, stop!" "Do your line one more time." "1946, Frank Capra's conic masterpiece." "'It's A Wonderful Life"?" "I want you to live." "You're smiling." "Why are you laughing?" "Because you are." "They can't see you, so I look like the idiot." "We're all going to be fine." "He's really funny." "Once upon a time, there was a plane that just kept flying over." "Dramatic!" "Haven't you ever wondered if there was something out there that was out there that was better than us?" "Better than me?" "Better than us?" "Wait, bigger, bigger." "Haven't you ever wondered if there's more out there?" "And what do I say?" "More than that." "I knew if I repeat whatever you say..." "I knew it wasn't better." "Haven't you ever wondered if there was something out there better?" "More." "Haven't you ever wondered if there's more out there?" "More than us." "Oh, come on!" "Don't be like that!" "I could be good in this picture!" "I'm Rich, Rich Kaplan." "Chaplin, Rich Chaplin." "I'm sorry, I made him Jewish?" "Yeah, you're right." "My bad." "Really my bad on that one." "All right, let's go back to one." "Della, I am ashamed I was so bad." "Well, that's two of us." "Oh, a bagel." "Big Earl here to remind you of a program guaranteed to wash the old..." "Big Earl here with a new program..." "Say something other than yeah." "That's the joke." "I'm going to say it throughout the whole movie." "All right, then do it better." "Ready, set?" "Yeah!" "There you go." "So, I guess..." "She bit me so hard!" "She just bit me so hard."