"GOSSIP GIRL:" "Gossip Girl here, your one and only source  into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite." "You two used to be in love." "You were invincible." "Now that you're against each other, it's a matter of time before your destruction." " Truce." "JULIET:" "Now I'm in with Serena." "And I can find something even bigger to take her down with." "Ben's not my boyfriend." "You're different than anyone I've known." "Just save it, okay?" "Because you're exactly like everyone I've ever known." "All good things are worth waiting for." "Our Psychology of Business professor is Colin, the guy from last night." "Cab guy?" "What are the odds?" "Relationships with faculty are strictly forbidden." " I'm willing to wait if you are." " Well, then, teacher, I'll see you Monday." "WOMAN:" "Where has she been?" "GOSSIP GIRL:" "And who am I?" "That's one secret I'll never tell." "You know you love me." "XOXO  Gossip Girl." "GOSSIP GIRL:" "Rise and shine, Upper East Siders." "It's officially fall." "And when the leaves start to turn, we know it's time for B's birthday." "We hope Serena will be there to celebrate  but we hear she's having her own private party with a professor." " So you're from Maine?" " I grew up on a boat." "Not a yacht, a trawler." "My family's in lobsters." " I love The Deadliest Catch." "Ha, ha." " Ha, ha." "Okay, so how did you get from there to here?" "[IN ECHOEY VOICE] It was all my dad." "He never graduated high school." "So he made sure I didn't make the same mistake." "SERENA [IN ECHOEY VOICE]:" "The rest of your family?" "Still adrift, in more ways than one." "Do I sense a little mystery there?" "SERENA:" "So you came from nothing, and now here you are  this big finance guy traveling the world with a killer art collection." "Favorite book?" "Mergers, Acquisitions and Corporate Restructurings?" "Really?" "Ha, ha." "You just became my next project." "Tomorrow, how about music and most embarrassing moments?" " [IN NORMAL VOICE] Unless..." " [IN NORMAL VOICE] We can do this." "Six more weeks." "[SIGHS]" "Happy to have you home, Miss Eleanor." "You didn't think I would miss throwing my only child a 20th birthday party?" "Mother, you do know that my actual birthday isn't until next week, don't you?" "Twenty-three hours of labor." "I am not likely to forget." "Cyrus and I have tickets to the Palais Garnier." "So I thought better an early birthday bash than a belated." "It is a shame that the party will fall on the same night as Lily and Rufus' anniversary, but so goes event planning in Manhattan." " Cyrus sent you this present." " Ah." "[BLAIR GASPS]" "Oh." "A signed copy of This I Remember." "What a fitting gift." "It is time that I claim my rightful role as power player on the world stage just like Little Nell did." "Tonight's party is going to be as glamorous and sophisticated as its guest of honor." "BLAIR:" "Mm." "Dorota, come, we have just enough time for a dramatic reading of page one before I have to meet Serena." "So you seemed pretty eager to get together this morning." "What?" "Your first anniversary is a big deal." "And I figured maybe you could use my help planning." "And maybe I needed to get out of the house." "Vanessa just got back from the commune." "Have you guys talked?" "Well, if saying "Hey" and "Excuse me" counts as talking." "The worst thing is she tried to get back into campus housing but the deadline passed." " So now you're roomies with your ex." " Yeah." "Hey, how would you and Lily feel about celebrating with a nice family road trip?" "Actually, we decided to order in tonight, just have a quiet evening alone." "I thought you said it's really important to celebrate with the whole family." "We did, but Jenny has a big test she has to study for." "And it doesn't feel right having a family celebration without her." "The first anniversary is supposed to be paper but that's not an excuse to eat out of cartons." "We'll celebrate together some other time when Jenny's back home." "I'm gonna head off, find Lil some flowers try to make this special." "What class has a test on a Saturday?" "That would be Fear of Chuck and Blair 101." "After the year we had, it would mean a lot to my dad to get the family together." "There's gotta be a way that we can get Jenny to come in, right?" " Maybe Chuck could help." " Right, like he did last time." "He loves my mom." "And as long as Chuck and Blair are at war, he's on our side." "[DAN GROANS]" "Did you get a haircut?" "It looks different." "No, just happy, I guess." "Well, if I know you, there's a guy at the end of that story." " I might be seeing someone, kind of." "BLAIR:" "What is he doing here?" " What's she doing here?" " Who brought the Avon lady?" "She's a court stenographer, there's a notary on the way." "We've witnessed the Waldorf-Bass wars firsthand." "We know you both." "You have nuclear capability." "NATE:" "Soon one of you is gonna press the other's button." "We'll end up with nothing but cockroaches." "CHUCK:" "We're way ahead of you." "BLAIR:" "Yeah, we're in a truce." "SERENA:" "We figured you wouldn't have a problem making it official." "A peace treaty based on more than just a handshake." "So we're gonna hammer out the provisions of a ceasefire." " And if either decide to break the treaty..." " He or she will be excommunicated." "We'll no longer be your friends." "Well, I suppose, as I leave my teens, I should start to think about my legacy." "I have no objection to order in the kingdom." "Let the negotiations begin." "CHUCK:" "Give me the Standard on weeknights I'll give you The Carlyle for the Christmas season." "Done, but I want an addendum that you can't bed hostesses from restaurants I frequent." "You can't have fashion week in both Paris and Milan." " You have to choose." "BLAIR:" "Never." "But I will give you Art Basel in Miami and Switzerland." "Okay, moving on to Article 47, strip clubs in the outer boroughs." "BLAIR:" "Sidebar." "Why are we sidebar-ing?" "Do you want access to strip clubs?" "No, I just don't wanna seem like I'm ceding territory too easily." "Pretend like we're talking about something serious, like my birthday." "[CHUCKLES]" "Or have you figured out that anniversary situation?" "B, they're already planning a family thing." "Unacceptable." "Just like that sex glow you're sporting." "There was no sex, just coffee." "Coffee is the thing you have before you pay the check to go have sex." " It's different, Colin is..." " Our professor?" "The one you promised to stay away from except where class is concerned?" "We're only meeting during office hours." "You are one macchiato away from making the same mistake you always make." "I won't be an accomplice, especially not on my almost-birthday." "Okay, fine, then I won't mention him anymore." "[CHUCK CLEARS THROAT]" "[BLAIR CLEARS THROAT]" " I cede the strip clubs." " Ah." "So that concludes the treaty." "Actually, there's one more point I wanna negotiate, in private." "Attorneys are dismissed." "Guess we know why Chuck didn't answer the phone." "Chuck and Blair go to war and end up happier." " Leaving our family in a pile of rubble." " Yeah, it figures, rubble is their specialty." "Although peacetime would be the perfect opportunity for a stealth strike." "Oh, come on, how good would it feel to finally give them a taste of their own medicine?" "Not that we're the ones to give it to them." "Well, hold on a second." "What's wrong with us?" "I've picked up a few skills over the years." "You come from a line of schemers." "We have righteousness and our parents' anniversary on our side." "No offense, Dan, but we are no match for Chuck and Blair." "Hmm." "I don't know about that." "GOSSIP GIRL:" "Seems like leaves aren't the only things changing colors this fall." "So that's it, the war is over." "No more blackmail, angry asides or sadistic schemes." "We're not a couple, we're not at war." "We have no reason to interact beyond social niceties." " What a huge relief." " I guess this is goodbye." "Let us not forget Article 19, no touching." "Take care, Chuck." "Serena." " Hi." "SERENA:" "Hey." "Oh, are you picking up something for Blair's birthday?" "A first edition?" "That's really thoughtful." "Blair's getting a special delivery from Bergdorf's." "This is for a professor." "That's an awfully nice gift for a professor." "You must really like his lectures." "Or that's not all you like." "I may have a small crush." "[JULIET GASPS]" "Tell me everything." "I've been there myself, so no judgments, and my lips are sealed." "Nothing's happened." "Nothing's going to happen." "Not while he's my teacher." "I would never put my academic future at risk." "Then what are you doing?" "Talking, getting to know each other until the semester's over." "The waiting is actually amazing." "Wow." "That's great." "Does he feel the same way?" " What do you mean?" " All books, no sex?" "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he's a guy, and guys don't wait." " Lf he's not getting it from you..." " There's no way, he's, um..." "Different." "Okay." "Well, if not, I'm here for advice." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Bye." "COLIN:" "I got it." "ERIC:" "Its genius is in its simplicity." "We break the truce, drive a wedge between them." "Once the peace is off, Chuck will be primed to help Jenny in retaliation." "Okay, so, what would enrage Chuck Bass?" "His maybe mother?" "His late father?" " Jack Bass." " That's perfect." "Gossip Girl will be thrilled to hear about a fling with Jack and Blair in France." "Or how they're planning to do it again this Christmas." "Nice touch." "Are you sure we aren't really related?" "All right, so I run into Chuck, offer my condolences that Blair can't be trusted." "Suggest the best way to retaliate is to offer amnesty to Jenny." "And as an added bonus, my dad and Lily get the first anniversary they deserve." "Let's see how strong the holy alliance is after this air strike." "[INTERCOM BEEPS]" "COLIN [OVER INTERCOM]:" "Hello?" " Surprise, it's me." "[LOCK BUZZES]" "I don't think coming here is a good idea." "Just dropping off a copy of my favorite book:" "The Beautiful and Damned." "Where is she?" "I know she's up here." "[DOOR CLOSES]" "Serena, meet Ilana." "My housekeeper." "You were jealous of my housekeeper." "I saw you get her from a cab." "I always pay her cab fare." "Stop smiling." "She's gorgeous, and I'm going a little crazy here." "I know." "Me too." "[SIGHS]" "Let's be honest, we may sit across from each other talking about bagels versus brioche, but all we're thinking..." "Is what it would be like to have breakfast in bed?" "Okay, as much as it kills me to say this, no more office hours." "I just can't be alone in a room with you." "So other than class, I'll see you in six weeks." "Other than tonight." "The dean just e-mailed that my presence is requested at a party." " Apparently at your place." " You're invited to Blair's birthday?" "S, I can't talk now." "Did you invite the entire Columbia faculty to your party?" "BLAIR [OVER PHONE]:" "I invited the dean and whomever she favors." "Why do you care?" "You're not going." "Well, the anniversary party was canceled, so yes, I am." "And now it turns out, so is Colin." "Unless you mean Firth or Farrell, I'm not listening." "The dean will be there." "Need I say more?" "[SIGHS]" "[ELEVATOR DINGS]" "Chuck, hey." "Hey, man, I was just stopping by to see Nate." " But I guess he's not here." " He's in his room." "Oh, he is?" "He's not at class?" "I would've thought he..." "You really don't know how to stage a run-in, do you?" "Cut to the chase." "Well, since Blair betrayed you with your uncle I thought maybe you could betray her back." "Call my sister, offer her protection." "BLAIR:" "You're about six months late for that, aren't you, Humphrey?" "Hey, uh, I didn't expect to see you here, I assumed..." "That Chuck and I would be back at war after that silly Gossip Girl blast?" "It was obviously fake." "What gave you that idea?" "We have enemies, Humphrey." "All powerful people do." "We anticipated someone would try and mess with us." "This handiwork has your lying little sister's fingerprints all over it." "Besides, Jack Bass wasn't in France last summer, he was in Chile." " Again, how did you know that?" " I must've read about it somewhere." "Regardless, this incident inspired us to add a new addendum to the treaty." "The notary just left." "Wait a second, there's a treaty, like an actual legal document?" "Humphrey, the intricacies of our war games are too complex for a prole like you to fathom." "BLAIR:" "As an additional gesture of trust I would like to invite you to my party this evening." "I gratefully accept." "And since Gothic Barbie remains safely quarantined upstate feel free to stop by if you're feeling lonely." "[CHUCK CHUCKLES]" "[CELL PHONE RINGS]" "Serena?" "Hey." "It turns out you were wrong about the professor." "He is waiting for me." "But waiting is not easy." "SERENA:" "I don't trust myself to be in a room with him." "I'm sorry." "Normally I would talk to Blair about this, but she doesn't approve." "Some people are such prudes." "Ha, ha." "Yeah." "Well, anyway, we agreed to stay away from each other." "But tonight, we both have to go to Blair's birthday." "SERENA:" "And a lot of faculty are going, including the dean." "The dean?" "No kidding." "I get it." "What you need is a buffer." "JULIET:" "Someone to stay by your side, distract you." "Make sure you two are never alone all night." "I'm happy to help." " Really?" "Thank you." "JULIET:" "Of course." "I'm not sure how Blair will feel about me being at her party." "Well, you'll be my guest." "It's a good idea." "She'll get to know the real you." "SERENA:" "Thank you." " My pleasure." "You've put yourself in the right hands." "GOSSIP GIRL:" "Uh-oh." "Juliet's plans are falling into place, and S is primed for a fall." "Hey, man, do you know anything about Chuck and Blair's so-called peace treaty?" "Yeah, of course." "It was my idea." " They're really trying to change." " Highly doubt that." "But do you, by any chance, know what's in it?" "I can't tell you that." "I gave my word I'd guard it." "Security's coming to pick it up and put it in the safe." "There's stuff Serena and I don't know about." " Chuck and Blair made us leave early." " Wait, you saw Serena?" " I thought we agreed." " You don't have to worry, okay?" "She's seeing someone else." "Can we talk later?" "I'm late for class." "Yeah." "GOSSIP GIRL:" "Nate thought he and Humphrey were thick as thieves." "Turns out Humphrey's a thief and Nate's just thick." " Just the man I was looking for." " Hey." "So I assume you're going to Blair's birthday party tonight?" "Yep, solo, now that things are over with Juliet." "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about." "Um, she's gonna be my date." "I thought she left me for someone else." "I didn't know it was you." " Ha, ha." "Come on." " Ha, ha." "That guy I was telling you about, we're trying to stay away from each other." "He's gonna be there tonight." "So Juliet offered to chaperone so that I stay strong." "If all you need's a buffer, let me take you." "I don't wanna make him jealous." "No, we're just friends." "And let's be honest, it's better to have a guy protect you from another guy." " You do have a point." " I know I do." "Plus, I'd rather not run into Juliet, so you'd be doing me a favor too." "Okay." "Juliet, hey, change of plans." "I actually don't need your help anymore tonight." " Are you sure?" "SERENA [OVER PHONE]:" "Yeah, yeah." "So you can go back to whatever it is I took you away from doing." " Thank you, though." " Yeah." "Bye-bye." "You put gladiolas in my cabbage roses?" "The Waldorfs' is not a Best Western." "Get them out." "Ugh." "Darling, I just got off the phone with Rufus and Lily." "I told them if they can't be with family, they might as well be with friends." "We have to do something special for them." "I suppose a powerful woman can afford to be generous." "So I'll have to think of some kind of anniversary surprise." " How's the guest list coming?" " Everyone who's anyone will be here." "But I couldn't help but notice a certain Charles Bass has been added to the list." " Blair, we don't need any trouble." " He'll be no trouble, Mother." " He and I are good." "ELEANOR:" "Yeah." "So "good" you have been berating the help all day." "I'm not berating anyone." "I just wanna be sure that the party is perfect." " Your dress, Miss Blair." " Are you kidding?" "What part of J. Mendel did you not understand?" "Actually, dear, I picked it out." "Dorota, what's going on with me?" "You aren't fighting with Mr. Chuck, so you fight with everyone else." "Take it upstairs." "[SIGHS]" "Heh." "That's their biggest secret?" "I was expecting something a little bit more American Psycho." "Not stabbing a homeless man, but at least feeding a cat to an ATM." "A birthday surprise may be in order." "I think all it will take is a couple of calls." "Look, Dan, I know we want Jenny to come in for the anniversary." "But she fought back last week and nearly lost everything she learned." "You told her that yourself." " Maybe we shouldn't risk the same." " Yeah, we should." "They deserve it." "They're smug and they are condescending." "They have treaties, and we're doing it for Jenny." "[SCOFFS]" "Dan, we tried, it didn't work." "I'm out." "I hope you are too." "[DIALING PHONE]" "Hi." "Hi, Rita." "This is Dan, Rufus Humphrey's son." "I hope you don't mind me calling but I have a very good friend with a birthday party tonight." "And I was hoping I could get your help." "Yeah, do you still work at Interscope?" "GOSSIP GIRL:" "Looks like Brooklyn's in it to win it." "Just what is it, exactly?" "Guess we'll find out tonight." "[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]" "Zee." " Zoe." " Hi." " Now I know it's a party." " Oh, stop, you look so chic." " You too." " Thanks." " Hi." " Hi." "Hi." "Dean Reuther, I am so thrilled you could make it." "Happy birthday, Blair." "The guest list is inspired." "Thank you for inviting me and my faculty." "Thank you." "And I hope you get a chance to chat with Patricia Ireland." "I think she'd be interested in the paper you wrote for Yale Law Review." " Planned Parenthood v. Casey?" " You read that?" "Of course." "Every woman who cares about her right to choose should." "Blair, I think that we should get to know each other better." "I'll have my assistant set up a lunch." "OMG." "The last girl the dean took to lunch became CEO of Pepsi." "BARTENDER:" "Here you go." "I was happy with eating Shun Lee out of the carton, Lil." "This is all just very Upper East Side." "I know you think you're rock 'n' roll, but you are wearing a $2000 jacket." " Happy anniversary!" "LILY:" "Ah!" "Oh." " You two." " Thank you." "That's a gorgeous blazer." "[LILY LAUGHS]" "Thanks for getting me in, but I should go before anybody sees us." "Of course." "Have fun." "That guy I told you about is here." "Please distract me." "Okay." "Don't look there, but my lit professor..." "Look at his pants, look at them." "Bet you 10 bucks they're held up with a rubber band." "Wears them every day." " It's ridiculous." "SERENA:" "Dan." " Hey, I didn't realize you were coming." " Yeah, it was kind of a last-minute thing." "I didn't know you were coming together." "Oh, no, we're not..." "You know something?" "I'm gonna hit the cheese table." "I'll see you later." "Serena." "Hi." "So this is your new buffer." "I didn't know you were still coming." "I came with a friend." "It's nice to see you two having fun." "Yeah, well, you're not exactly dying of loneliness." "Nate, can you give us a moment, please?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry, I hope it's not too awkward that I came with him." "I know things are difficult between you two right now." "No, it's okay, I'm not worried about Nate." "So where is the mysterious professor?" "Hmm?" " Which one is he?" " I'm not gonna tell you that." "Ha, ha." "Nate's gone off and left you alone." "How am I supposed to step in if I don't know who to protect you from?" "Okay, but you can't tell anyone." "I could kill the caterer." "The appetizer tray looks like a Rorschach test." "You, you're the one who did such a wonderful job at the Fashion's Night Out." "Come, help me with those trays." "[ELEANOR SIGHS]" "Why are you talking to Juliet?" "And what are you doing here with Nate?" "Well, you'll be happy to know that Colin and I..." "Hey." "My ears don't register his name." "Trying to stay away from each other, which is why I brought Nate as a buffer." "Since you won't listen to my problems, I had to go to Juliet." "Serena, do you have amnesia?" "Juliet isn't your friend." "She's proven to be a good friend since she saved me from Vanessa's takedown." "Oh, please." "If I want to hear fiction, I'll go talk to Jonathan Franzen." "In fact..." "[BOCCHERINI'S STRING QUARTET IN E-MAJOR PLAYING ON VIOLINS]" " Son, what are you doing here?" " I could say the same to you." "I thought you were gonna be having your romantic night alone at home." "Eleanor convinced them to come celebrate." "Oh, no, but you can't stay here." "It would be bad luck." "Everything here is on china and crystal." "You gotta go home and celebrate on paper plates as planned." "You know, I am surprised that you are so superstitious, Dan." "RUFUS:" "Face it, our plan to stay at home was depressing." "Now let's go check out those cookies in the shape of Blair's shoes." "Ha, ha." "Okay." "Hey, why didn't you warn me they were coming?" "I didn't think I needed to." "You didn't go through with it, did...?" "Oh, you did?" "Uh, okay." "Can you put a stop to it before it's too late?" "[ELEVATOR DINGS]" "You look lovely tonight." "It's so cold in here, I can barely feel my fingers." "Cold?" "I'm practically feverish." " I must tell Dorota to turn up the air." " Just one thing before you go." "I was wondering, how did you know where Jack was?" "I think I must have read it online." "That's strange." "Last I heard, he was off the grid." "Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm entertaining." "[WOMAN GASPS THEN SCOFFS]" "CYNTHIA:" "Good to see you, Serena." "I better go find Eleanor before she wonders why I haven't said hello." " Good to see you too, Cynthia." " Nice meeting you." "Okay, see?" "That was a great distraction, right?" "What are you looking at?" " He's flirting with someone." " Don't look at him, look at me." "Okay, remember when Mrs. Salazar made us memorize the Gettysburg Address?" "Look at me and recite it." " What?" "NATE:" "Just do it." "Just go." " Fourscore and seven years ago..." "NATE:" "Okay." "...our fathers brought to this continent..." " Don't flare your nostrils at me." "...a new nation, uh, conceived in liberty..." " Keep going, you're doing well." "...ha, ha, and dedicated to the proposition that you are an incredible chaperone." " I know." " Ha-ha-ha." "LILY:" "Oh, hey, darling." " Nate, Serena, hello." " Hey, happy anniversary." " I'm so glad we can all be together." "LILY:" "Aw, thank you, darling." "It looks like you're in good hands." "I'll catch up to you later." "RUFUS:" "Mwah." "Excuse me." "Uh, you wouldn't happen to be Ben, would you?" " I'm sorry?" " I just saw you with Juliet." "I figured if you're the guy she left me for, then you must be..." " Ben?" "No." " I'm sorry, my mistake." "Miss, I have a note for you." "RUFUS:" "Paper plates are bad for the environment." "LILY:" "It won't kill anyone if we use them for one dinner." " Uh, excuse me, I'm going to the restroom." " We all have to do our part." "When was the last time you used a paper plate?" " Come on, I need a drink." " The bar is right here." "Screw the bar." "We keep the good stuff in the kitchen." "Come with me." "I don't believe it." "You've been seeing Ben?" "Shh." "We can't talk about this here, okay?" "Please?" "No one can see us together." "Okay?" "COLIN:" "Fine, but you bet your ass we're talking about this." "So that is the guy that Juliet broke up with me for." "He just lied to my face." "Juliet's dating him too?" "Too?" "So is Serena." "I knew that Juliet was evil." "I have to go warn Serena." "If you left me for that guy, you can say so." " I mean, why is it such a big secret?" " It's not what you think." "Now, if you don't mind..." "No, first, you're gonna tell me what's going on." "You've lied to me enough." "[SIGHS]" "He's my cousin, Nate, and the reason we don't want people to know is because he's a teacher and I'm a student." "And he's dating Serena." "Oh, my God." "She borrow my tiara, she not give it back yet." "CROWD:" "Ha, ha." "DOROTA:" "But that's okay." " She is 20." "She deserve 20 tiaras." "Ha, ha." "MAN:" "Aw." "DOROTA:" "She has great heart, style and grace even when she gets mad." "[ALL CHUCKLE]" " Happy birthday, Miss Blair." "BLAIR:" "Ha, ha." "[CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]" "[GLASS CLINKING]" "Hi, everyone." "I'm Rita, and I'd also like to salute the birthday girl." "And I brought some special friends to help me with the toast." " Or should I say roast." "CROWD:" "Ooh." " Who is that woman?" " Robyn." "She's an incredible musician." " I tried Rita's cell and got no answer." " I think she's busy." "Luckily, Robyn was working with me in New York this week and able to bring along a very special video of Blair." " What is it?" " A Jack Bass sex tape?" "A Nelly Yuki snuff film?" "Let me take you back to a summer night in Stockholm to an after-party for one of Robyn's shows." "[SINGING] Stand by your man" "No." "Hey." "Ha, ha." "[BLAIR CHEERS ON SCREEN]" "CHUCK [ON SCREEN]:" "Blair." "BLAIR:" "Just kidding." "BLAIR [SINGING ON SCREEN]:" "And show the world you love him" "No, no." "[SERVER  RACHEL GRUNT]" "[CROWD GASPS]" "BLAIR [ON SCREEN]:" "Hey, Robyn, jealous?" "[PANTING]" "I'm fine." "[CROWD SIGHS]" "BLAIR [ON SCREEN]:" "I'm coming on tour." "[CROWD GASPS]" "[CROWD CHUCKLING]" "I die." "BLAIR [SINGING ON SCREEN]:" "Stand by your man" "[GIGGLING]" "[BAND PLAYING "HANG WITH ME"]" "[SINGING] Will you tell me once again" "How could you bring that video here?" "I'm sorry, I got a call." "He said it was a roast." " Of course he did." " He who?" "Charles Bartholomew Bass." " Who else?" " I told you not to invite him." "ROBYN [SINGING]:" "When I'm ready to give in" "Will you pick me up again?" "Then I guess you can hang with me" "You were flirting with that model." "You were flirting with that lacrosse player." "He's my friend." "And I was just using him to stay away from you." " You were trying to make me jealous." " No, I wasn't." "But were you jealous?" "We're in your bedroom." "I don't think I can make it six weeks." "Well, maybe staying away from each other is so hard because it's not what we should be doing." "Maybe I am in complete agreement." "I really want this, but not here." "ROBYN [SINGING]:" "Oh, you can hang with me" "You know how ashamed I am of that video." ""Stand By Your Man"?" "Gossip Girl is offering a cash reward." "It only takes one video to topple an entire career." "If you don't believe me, YouTube "Connie Chung piano."" " Just listen to me." " Why did you do it?" "Because I knew that Jack was in Chile?" "I found out because I was desperate for news of you." "You were?" "All summer, when I was pretending not to care I wanted to know where you were." "I paid a private eye to look, but the only Bass he caught was your scaly uncle." "Much as I hate being at peace with you, I didn't do this." "If you can stand there and lie to my face then you're either pure evil or just a common sociopath." " You believe that?" " Of course I do." "And even if Nate and Serena peeked at the treaty you're the only one with a motive." "DAN:" "Actually, there was someone else." " Is this a joke?" " You did this?" "My sister doesn't feel safe in her house, or be with parents on their anniversary." "She was different before she met the two of you." "Come on, it's not about Jenny." "It may have started out that way." "But this was about revenge." "You went behind my back to get it." "I know, Nate, but come on, they deserve what they get." " I'm not sorry." "RUFUS:" "No, I'm the one who's sorry." "I'm sorry you've become one of them." "ROBYN [SINGING]:" "Oh, you can hang with me" "CHUCK:" "Blair, we had a treaty." "ROBYN [SINGING]:" "Hang with me" "Okay, we have a big problem." "JULIET [OVER PHONE]:" "Serena's professor is Colin." " Our cousin, Colin." " What's the problem?" "He has no idea what we're doing." "If he finds out, I will lose everything." "Don't tell me about losing everything." "I'm sorry." "I know that there's no love lost between you two, but I need him." "He pays for my school, my rent..." "What you need is to get Serena caught with her professor." "Whoever he is." "And did you get proof like we talked about?" "Not yet, but, Ben, he obviously has no idea who she is." "That she's the one responsible for all..." "It's because she's responsible that you have to do this." "It is the only way to make things right." "It is the only way for our family to ever move on." "Now please, Jules, get the proof and get Serena expelled." "[DIAL TONE DRONING OVER PHONE]" "Robyn gave this to me, and she swore it was her only copy." " You are safe." " Well, that's good news, I guess." "But I'm still mortified." "Dean Reuther saw it, Madeleine Albright." " I'm a failure at 20." " Are you kidding?" "Elsa Maxwell says that a good party gives people what they don't expect." "Well, I suppose watching Rachel Zoe get dipped in chocolate like a strawberry wasn't boring." "Nothing around you ever is." "Something else is wrong?" "[SIGHS]" "What I want is to be a powerful woman." "But whenever Chuck's around, I just feel like a weak little girl." "I shut myself off for a long time after your father left." "I was cold and hard." "Then I met Cyrus." "And he taught me that sometimes, you have to allow yourself to be weak in order to grow stronger." "Well, that sounds good, but it feels terrible." "You don't have to lose the girl to be a woman." "Just need to think maybe about how many people are going to be around the next time you let her out." "[CHUCKLES]" "I'm going to bed." "Good night." "LILY:" "It was just a silly karaoke video." "At least no one got hurt." "Yeah, I've never seen Dan like that." "I pray it's an isolated event." "I'd hate to think I lost both my kids to the Upper East Side." "Well, I'd hate for you to think that too." " What?" "RUFUS:" "That's a lot of paper." "LILY:" "Eric, did you do this?" "Well, I helped, but it was all Dan." "Well, maybe there's a little Humphrey left in that kid after all." "You know, there are 10 minutes left of our anniversary." "You know, just enough time to save it." "[DOOR OPENS]" "[SIGHS]" "Hey." "So I wrecked Blair's birthday and I betrayed Nate I disappointed my dad, and as the icing on the cake I pretty much ruined his and Lily's anniversary." "Other than that, heh, how was your night?" "It was Blair's 20th birthday party and I'm still acting like an eighth grader." "Oh, my God." "Is it possible the Upper East Side is contagious?" " I think we've proven that it is." " Yeah." "We just need some rest and a good dose of Brooklyn." "Yeah." "Thanks for being here." "We've been friends forever and that's not gonna change." "[CELL PHONE RINGS]" "Dad, I'm so sorry." "Wait a second." "You liked it?" "GOSSIP GIRL:" "At the end of every war, the warriors come home  hoping what they've seen and done won't stay with them forever." "COLIN:" "Anthony Patch is more tragic than Gatsby." "Ha, ha." "I can't believe you actually read it." "COLIN:" "Well, why wouldn't I?" "You gave it to me." "You know, I think I like you too much to do this right now." "We've come this far and the old me would have gone farther." "But the new me really wants to wait." "I'm glad I know the new you." "She's a great teacher." " Ahh." "So six more weeks?" " Yeah." "At least we stopped ourselves before we made a mess of everything." "No one found out, so we're safe." "Well, in that case..." "GOSSIP GIRL:" "Buddha once said it's better to conquer yourself  than to win a thousand battles." "But other soldiers just can't give up the fight  and go underground to plan the next war." "Something to look forward to." "See you." "GOSSIP GIRL:" "But it's the true warrior who knows that wars don't end." "They simply change." "And there can never be peace as long as guns are still loaded  and there's plenty of ammunition." "What are you still doing here, Chuck?" "I threw you out hours ago." "I wanted to let you know the treaty is over." "Fine with me." "This pretense of civility was exhausting." "Being amicable isn't in our blood." "I've realized we're not friends." "Friends have to like each other." "And after what happened tonight, I could never like you." "I could never like you, either." "In fact, I hate you." "I've never hated anyone more." "Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred." "There's a fiery pit of hate burning inside me, ready to explode." " So it's settled, then?" " We're settled." "[BLAIR GRUNTS]" "[BLAIR MOANING]" "GOSSIP GIRL:" "These weapons may be deadly." "XOXO, Gossip Girl." "[English" " US" " SDH]"