"We are talking with the legendary author, uhm, authoress, which do you prefer author or authoress?" "I really don't see what sex has to do with it, do you?" "(laughing)" "With the legendary writer, Ms. Laura Lansing." "(applauding)" "Ms. Lansing's latest novel is called Penthouse Paradise." "Now this is actually your second novel with the word penthouse in the title, do you like penthouses?" "Well I sure do." "I live in one, I think everyone should." "It gives one a perspective on life, the spirit soars." "(majestic music)" "Okay kids." "Dinner." "Move!" "Come on!" "It's time honey." "Oh Junior shut that thing off." "Come on Malcolm." "I said shut that thing off." "I wanna watch the cartoon." "[Mom] Well you can watch it in here." "Where's Dad?" "He's gonna be late again." "I'm not hungry." "I got hot dogs." "I'm here Janet." "Yes Ms. Whimms." "(bell dinging)" "[Doris] Hello Larry." "Hello." "I know, I'm a bit early." "Oh that's all right, she's had her run and her swim." "She's on the telephone of course." "I'll be as quiet as mouse." "(speaking foreign language)" "Want any coffee?" "I'd love it." "Oh that hat, I love that hat." "(speaking foreign language)" "You're not due today, you're due tomorrow." "I know dear, but uh, there was some urgency." "What about it?" "About the new book." "Sit down, if you sit in that chair and push that little button you'll get a massage." "Oh, a lower back would be nice." "Oh I've had such pain." "[Laura] Push lower back." "Ah..." "What about the new book?" "[Larry] Well Laura dear, I'm afraid I have some rather unpleasant news." "Oh?" "I hardly know to say it." "[Laura] Oh just say it." "Well the fact is, Willburn and Frederick don't want it." "Don't want it, what do you mean?" "Don't want it?" "[Larry] Look how do I turn this off." "I'll turn you off." "What do you mean Willburn and Frederick don't want it?" "They've published me since I was a child." "I made millions for them." "Darling you were a sensation in your 20s." "A household word in your 40s." "An institution in your 60s." "But in your..." "Watch it!" "Why don't they want it?" "Now Laura dear, you mustn't get yourself..." "Doris call Barbara Walters." "Tell her I can't possibly lunch with her today, tell her I'm dead." "God knows I may be by lunchtime." "[Doris] What's wrong?" "What's wrong, I'm chopped liver." "I'm down the drain, I'm out with the garbage." "You'll feel better after your rubdown." "Why?" "Well they seem to feel you've lost touch." "Lost touch?" "With what?" "With the real people, normal people." "Well they feel you don't know them." "What they're like, how do they live." "What do you mean real people, look at today," "Barbara Walters, Clint Eastwood, Jackie Onassis, a little late supper with Calvin Klein." "Just folks." "[Larry] Whose folks?" "My folks." "Penthouse Paradise isn't selling." "Who says?" "Laura, it is not selling." "I know this isn't proper agent talk, but you are of a certain age." "Watch that." "Well now I'm sorry darling, but you've plenty of money." "And I've been wondering if you've ever given any thought to well, closing shop." "Closing shop?" "Yes dear, take life easy." "You mean not work, not write?" "That's death!" "Don't worry Larry, if poor old Willburn and Frederick are out, I'll get me another publisher but I'll keep on writing, I expect to go to my grave typing." "Real people, hah, I'm just as real as they are." "Just as down to earth, underneath that is." "Look out there Larry all those darling people working away, you could prop me down in any one of their dear little homes and I'd fit right in like a cozy old aunt." "Don't make me laugh." "I would remind you Larry, that when I was writing." "Love Can Be Cold, I spent nearly a month in an igloo with eight Eskimos." "And I survived." "Yes, but did the Eskimos?" "Oh." "Darling I love you, you're adorable." "But in the house in the suburbs with a normal family, you wouldn't last a week." "Would you care to bet?" "(frolicking music)" "Hold the door please, hold the door, hold the door." "Hold it, thank you." "(elevator dinging)" "Good morning Mr. Baumgartner." "Oh, good morning." "I'm Walter Gomphers, I work in the accounting department." "Oh yes." "[Secretary] Can you take these for me, thank you." "Morning Mr. Baumgartner." "Oh good morning Marie." "Have a nice day." "What, oh yes, thanks." "What exactly is the bet?" "That I could spend a week with a so-called normal family, living somewhere outside of New York City." "I could telephone when I'll escape into Manhattan." "If I stick it out, Larry has to pay the lucky family 500 bucks a day" "for their trouble." "If I can't, I pay." "500 dollars a day?" "And!" "And what?" "If I lose I give up writing." "Oh Laura." "When your agent is urging you to quit, you pretty much know where you stand." "Don't you dear?" "But surely you're not going through with this silly bit." "(mumbling), besides there's nothing to worry about." "Larry has to come up with the normal family." "And Larry hasn't known anyone normal in years." "I'd appreciate it if you could send that over right away, thank you." "Hi." "Oh hi, Mr. Baumgartner." "Busy are we?" "Well, yes I have to get those reports finished." "Mr. Baumgartner could I talk to you about an idea..." "How long have you've been with us, uh?" " Gomphers." " Gomphers." "Nine years." "You see sir, I have this idea for the accounting department that I think would improve..." "Much of a commute?" "What?" "Well from where you live to here for instance?" "Portal to portal about an hour." "You know the Long Island Railroad." "You live on Long Island?" "Yes, uh Hicksville, it's not far Levittown." "We like it up there." "About my idea sir..." "We, who's we?" "My wife and the kids." "Oh you have children, how many, what age?" "I have a photograph, would you like to see it?" "I'd love it." "That's my wife Melody." "Kind of a funny name isn't it." "Before we were married her name was Melody Lane." "She kinda liked it but, I was glad when she changed it," "Melody Gomphers sounds more like her." "Excuse me, (mumbling), Mr. Gomphers." "Thank you Violet." "You're certainly welcome." "Oh excuse me Mr. Baumgartner." "Walter." "Walter." "Do you live in an apartment or a house?" "Oh we have a house, it's not paid for yet, it's in a very nice area." "Do you have a guest bedroom?" "You wanna visit?" "Is it true Ms. Lansing that you were intimate with Gandhi?" "Oh I wouldn't say intimate." "Oh I didn't mean intimate, but you knew him." "Of course." "What was he like?" "He was sweet." "And didn't you dine recently with Queen Elizabeth in London?" "Oh yes, yes, I did." "[Interviewer] And what was she like?" "She was regal." "Are these the dishcloths that are on sale?" "Guess what happened today." "Hi honey." "Mr. Baumgartner, the Executive Vice President of the whole agency, in charge of some of the biggest clients we've got, came to my office today." "[Melody] No." "[Walter] Didn't call me to his, came to mine." "I still don't get it." "We can make a cool 500 dollars a day for doing nothing." "Just nothing." "That's what I don't get." "Annette, will you please turn that racket down, you're supposed to be doing your homework." "He wants a change, he said." "Now, please honey." "(rock music)" "Who?" "I told you, he wouldn't tell me." "Actually though, I think maybe what we're dealing with here is Mr. Baumgartner's mother." "[Melody] Oh Walter Junior help Malcolm." "He's gotta go to the bathroom." "[Walter Junior] I'm watching the show." "Just do it." "If she wants a change, why doesn't he send her to some place fabulous, like Atlantic City." "Turn it down, Annette!" "I've got the impression he wants her to have the pleasure of being with a nice normal family." "Oh." "Want some (mumbling)?" "If I turn down the music I can't concentrate, you want me to concentrate?" "I want you to turn down the music." "[Walter] Honey please turn down the music." "Okay, but don't blame me if I turn into a total nerd." "You won't." "Maybe she just wants to get out of Manhattan, and breathe some fresh air." "Yeah the air stinks here." "Maybe we could finally pay for Annette's teeth." "[Melody] Do you want some ice cream?" "No, okay." "Oh they were out of chocolate chip." "[Walter] Don't worry about it." " Walter." " Hmm?" "This Mr. Baumgartner, he's pretty high up isn't he?" "I mean at the office?" "Executive Vice President." "Walter you know what?" "What?" "This could be it." "What's it?" "Your promotion." "They never noticed me, nine years." "But when you tell them your idea." " Nine years." " He'll notice you now." "Oh honey!" "Maybe we could get a new dishwasher." "Don't let your ice cream melt." "How old is she?" "He didn't say, I did ask." "All he'd say was she was getting on." "Getting on?" "That's all he said." "Getting on." "That could be really old." "She could be an invalid." "Gee I wonder if we could get one of those handrail things so she could get in and out of bed on her own." "You're talking money." "Oh..." "Who is gonna pay for her food?" "Oh I said we would, how much more can she eat?" "Another hot dog, a little more soup." "It's a gesture on our part." "That's nice Walter." "I'll be back at five." "[Doris] Have you got any money?" "Now why should I need any money?" "You should always carry some money, just in case, here." "Take this." "(phone ringing)" "Tell them I'm out." "Hello?" "Oh hello Larry." "Yes she's here." "All right, he says it's important, it's about your bet." "(calming music)" "Yes Larry?" "What, well, uh next week, I'm going to be at a convention in California with Jane Fonda." "Something about a coastline." "No, no, (mumbling)." "What?" "An accountant?" "Three children?" "Normal?" "Hicksville?" "(calming music)" "Now listen Wally, we don't know this person but I'm sure she's a very sweet old lady and we wanna be very kind and considerate to her." "Is she poor or something?" "I don't know but if she is we won't say anything won't we?" "Oh no that was a mistake, don't like that, that's okay." "You may want some of these." "What shall I take Doris, I want to fit in." "Simple, something simple." "You mean white?" "All in white, a filmy diaphanous white." "I don't wanna look like the Ghost of Marley." "Oh, I know, Janet, there's that robe the Dalai Lama gave me." "What do you think, the beautiful housewife wear, (mumbling)?" "Of course not, you're not going to the Old West you know." "Aprons, I suppose, day and night aprons." "Nothing but aprons as far as the eye can see." "I don't wanna sweep down here." "Think of it as an adventure." "There aren't any windows." "What do you want windows for?" "Well for one thing, ventilation." "And who knows, I might wanna look out, see if it's raining, see if it's day, see if it's night." "You can come upstairs for that." "Here help me with this cot." "I hate this cot." "Walter Junior I have had about enough." "You loved this cot." "You said it was just fine when Grandma came." "I lied." "Please, please cooperate." "I'm nervous enough as it is hmm?" "Now go upstairs and bring down anything else you think you'll need, get Annette to help you." "[Walter Junior] She's not here." "Where is she?" "[Walter Junior ] Who knows, she went off with some boy after school." "What boy?" "[Walter Junior] Some boy!" "(upbeat music)" "Annette, turn that off and go to sleep honey." "[Annette] What?" "[Melody] I just wanted to say good night." "Good night." "Night." "(calming music)" "Honey." "Hmm?" "It's Saturday night." "Have you got everything Howard?" "I think so Ms. Lansing." "Good." "Why all the luggage, it's only a week." "I wanna look right." "Where's my typewriter?" "Oh Lord." "Now who's going to cook for you?" "The dear little housewife, Emma." "You just can't eat anything, you need the best and you need it specially prepared." "I'm sure she wouldn't dream of giving me anything but the very best." "Hmm, here." "Here's a nice little packing I made for you to nibble on." "I'm gonna miss you Emma." "Okay, I've got it." "[Larry] Do you plan to do some writing?" "Why I gotta, I'm a writer, ain't I?" "(warm anticipatory music)" "Look, all the houses are exactly alike." "How would they know which one is theirs?" "Oh, how green the grass is." "And I'm sure they get a sunset, in the rear." "How do you do, I'm..." "Laura Lansing." "Heavens." "You must be Mr. Gomphers, is your wife given to seizures?" "Not that I know of." "[Larry] I think she's coming around." "Good, she should've been told, the excitement has been too much for her, you poor dear, are you a fan of my books?" "No." "Well then, why?" "I've seen you on talk shows." "You scare me to death." "Shall we go in?" "Yes, we should." "What are these?" "Oh the (mumbling)." "How do you do, I'm to be your house guest." "Yes I can see they're thrilled." "What a charming little country cottage." "(baby cackling)" "Ms. Lansing." "Yes dear?" "If I'd known it was you I'd have, I'd have uhm..." "Yes dear?" "Changed the wallpaper." "I should've phoned ahead." "Howard fetch the champagne please." "I brought a case of champagne, just in case we had a thirst." "We don't drink, usually." "Can we go now?" "Please everyone, I would like to say a word." "Dear friends, dear (mumbling)," "I want you to know one thing about me," "I am without ego... (coughing)" "Well I mean I do have normal ego." "But I want to be treated as if I was simply one of you." "I assure you I won't intrude on your little lives, in any way." "You'll never know I'm here." "Just go about your businesses if I didn't exist." "Howard, there are two bottles cold." "Uh, Larry you'll give him hand?" "Is it a bit warm in here, airless, ah." "[Walter] Let me help you with that." "Oh no I never need help." "Where's the sweet old lady?" "Hush dear." "Now, may I see my quarters please?" "Oh of course." "This way." "I've tried to make it nice for you, Ms. Lansing." "I'm sure it's simply..." "Lovely." "There's a copy of Valley of the Dolls there." "You shouldn't have troubled." "(mouse peeping)" "Where's the telephone?" "[Melody] In the living room." "I mean, my telephone." "In the living room." "Well we've been thinking of getting an extension, but Walter thought the extension..." "Of course dear, now, may I see my bathroom please?" "Sure." "Excuse me." "(electronic music)" "What is this awful cacophony?" "Oh!" "Who do you think you are?" "I know perfectly well who I am." "Let me see your eyes." "Absolute confusion." "Mom!" "I'm sure she meant it as a compliment." "The bathroom, right this way, see it's uhm, very convenient." "Oh?" "I'm a real stickler for hygiene." "And I must ask that nobody else use my bathroom." "Uh Laura, I don't think you've got the drift." "Am I not right Ms. Gomphers when I say that in this house, there's just one bathroom." "What are these poor people to do?" "Well, we'll figure something won't we?" "[Malcolm] Yeah won't we?" "Hello shorty." "(weeping)" "What's this?" "I'm afraid the Gomphers are a little low on champagne glasses." "Can't you uh, stick something in his mouth?" "I mean a cookie or something." "He's just not used to you." "I'm not used to him but I'm not screaming." "Yet." "(weeping)" "Here's to the real people." "The real people!" "(baby chirping)" "Mom is she coming out again tonight?" "I don't sweetheart, keep your voice down huh?" "Why can't we turn on the TV?" "It upsets her, I guess." "[Walter] What's she doing in there?" "[Melody] I don't know Walter." "Why didn't she eat dinner?" "I don't think she cares for beefaroni." "But boy does she care for that chopped liver she brought." "I guess she was hungry." "I smelled it, it stank." "She is so famous." "She writes book." "You don't Walter, she's on all the talk shows, she goes out with Robert Redford and uh, and she knows Steven Spielberg and the Queen of England and the Pope." "Really, Steven Spielberg?" "(door slamming shut)" "Isn't this pleasant?" "Is this what this you do in the evenings?" "Sit in meditation?" "I've got it, a schedule of the bathroom," "I think I've solved our problems." "Now Melody, you're the first in the morning because you have chores to do to get your little family going, you've got a full 20 minutes." "Walter's second of course, he is the breadwinner, has to train to New York, bring home the bacon, you've got a full 20 minutes, you're the Daddy." "The children follow, Annette first, because she's a girl," "I don't think we should mind a little discrimination in gender, then Walter Junior." "They each have only 10 minutes and they mustn't dawdle because they've got to get to school." "Malcolm... (baby crying)" "Don't do that, or I'll go on and pack you in a suitcase." "Yes, Malcolm then has 10 minutes which is more than he needs you'll note that I've put myself last." "Although I'm a guest, I am also an outsider, and I don't mind being last, because then I can be open-ended, so to speak." "Now, Walter." "If you've got a hammer, you can put this right up on the bathroom door." "Just as Martin Luther did on the door to Wittenberg Church in 1517." "Oh, Melody, could you be a dear and make me a little more closet space?" "Oh!" "Not tonight, the morning will be time enough." "And dear, I sat on my bed and it's much too soft," "I'm gonna need a board under the mattress." "And uhm I am a writer you know, I need a proper desk, a good stout chair and a decent lamp." "And quiet of course, that goes without saying, good night all, bless you." "What did she mean, a board?" "Where would I get a board?" "Why here?" "Or a desk." "Why us?" "Or a good stout chair." "I don't even know what a good stout chair is." "What's she doing here?" "Or a decent lamp." "Where are we gonna get a decent lamp?" "I just want a promotion." "(calming music)" "(cat meowing)" "(dog barking)" "Now, I lay me down to sleep." "I pray the Lord my soul to keep." "If I should die before I wake." "It might be just as well." "(weeping)" "Malcolm sweetie, ssshht, ssshht, ssshht." "Be quiet the door's closed and I think Ms. Lansing will be asleep." "(door opening)" "Good morning, good morning, good morning." "Not a bad neighborhood for a brisk stroll." "Startled some of the natives though." "Good morning Malcolm, good morning." "(baby chirping)" "Why do you do that?" "Now, look at me, you study my face." "You tell me what you see there." "Old." "The child's hopeless." "Do you need anything pressed?" "Not now, no, maybe later in the day, I'll let you know." "Thank you." "Oh uhm, what'll you have for breakfast?" "Fruit, just fruit, a little kiwi would be nice." "Kiwi." "(door banging)" "[Laura] Who's in there?" "[Walter] Me!" "Well get out!" "I think all I have is a banana." "He's making a mockery of the whole system." "Oh that's Walter, he was so anxious I guess about, you know, staying on schedule that he forgot to shave." "You mean he went back in?" "Well he had to." "I don't see why." "Anything you forget to do while you're in there, you'll have to wait to do until you're on the schedule again." "Oh." "It builds character." "Yes." "Annette!" "Honey come on, (door banging), breakfast." "You play in here." "You're gonna be late for school, come on Annette." "Did you sleep well." "Of course not." "[Melody] Walter Junior!" "[Laura] Good morning Walter." "Junior!" "Walter Junior." "Would you like a cup of coffee." "Uh, uh, no thank, just a little herbal tea." "I hate sleeping down there, and that cot's too hard." "I'm sorry, I don't have any herbal tea." "Oh no it doesn't matter, never mind, Twinings will do." "Annette stayed in the bathroom too long, I timed her, she was 30 seconds over." "Twinings?" "Coffee." "Annette, I told you, you cannot wear that skirt to school, now I ironed the other one for you." "Why not." "Because you're not Tandaleo." "Who's Tandaleo?" "Probably a friend of Ms. Lansing's." "Now, Annette, please, change it." "It's what everybody's wearing and I'm going to wear it." "I did stock up for breakfast." "Eggs and bacon and..." "No, no, thank you, I'll think I'll stick with my banana." "Why don't you eat some of these?" "Crispy Crunchy Sugar Supers." "If you continue to eat these Walter Junior, your body will turn into putty and your brain will dissolve into tapioca." "Huh?" "He likes them." "(muttering)" "Oh, is it all right?" "Well uhm, what is it?" "Well it's coffee." "Uh, coffee?" "Real coffee?" "Well no, instant." "I prefer it, it's what I drink at the office." "I'll go shopping this morning," "Walter I'll need the car so I'll drop you off, oh, I just remembered, Malcolm ate the banana last night" "I'm so sorry." "It doesn't matter, I've often fasted (mumbling), during difficult periods in my life." "Walter what am I gonna do?" "Honey, just ignore her." "Don't forget, I made an appointment to do the oil change this morning." "You won't be late again tonight will you, please?" "Please don't leave me alone." "I'll try." "Goodbye, goodbye dear children." "Study hard." "Nose to the grindstone." "Shoulder to the wheel." "(groans)" "Good morning Walter." "How did it go, first night and all?" "Fine, fine." "Really?" "Well, she has opinions." "I guess you know that." "Well I have noticed once or twice." "Mr. Baumgartner I'd really like to talk you about my ideas for..." "Oh another time Gomphers, everything is really fine at home eh?" "Oh yeah, fine, fine." "Well..." "We were wondering, why would you pay us 500 dollars..." "Walter." "Just think, now she's alone, she's always been alone, no husband, no children, just emptiness and silence." "Yeah." "What a thrill for her to be part of a rollicking, fun-loving family like yours." "Walter, you just be yourselves, hmm?" "Oh excuse me Mr. Baumgartner." "Excuse me, just be yourselves." "Lunch?" "(calming music)" "[Melody] Walter Junior's bed?" "(frolicking music)" "Not my dresser!" "You might've asked me." "I know I should have." "I get carried away." "How did you do all this by yourself?" "I am stronger than I look, the mailman came and saw me and he pitched right in." "It's only for a week." "Pity they don't have caviar, such a comfort." "Excuse me." "Ms. Lansing, what are you doing in Hicksville?" "Shopping dear, what are you doing?" "[Announcer] Customer service to aisle five please." "Oh look, Crenshaw melons, why not." "Maybe two." "They're so expensive." "(mumbling) yourself Melody, it's bad for the soul." "Could I have your autograph Ms. Lansing?" "Oh please, can't you see I'm trying to be normal." "Oh I love these." "Poison." "Isn't this fun?" "I haven't been shopping in years." "[Announcer] Manager, service register four please." "[Melody] Haven't we got enough?" "[Cashier] That'll be $247." "I'm afraid I have only maybe 50 dollars." "Uhm, Ms. Lansing, could you?" "Could I what?" "What'cha gonna do, come on you're holding up the line." "I don't know." "Add that." "Don't make a scene dear, put our stuff in the bags, we'll send you a check." "You don't have any money?" "Why should I have any money?" "(frolicking music)" "Good old Doris." "Can you change that please?" "Why, why don't I do dinner tonight?" "You?" "Yes, a leg of lamb, I think I could remember how to, and these fresh vegetables, and fruit." "Oh how nice." "Uhm, Ms. Lansing." "Do stop calling me Ms. Lansing, it's Laura, dear, Laura." "Well, Laura, I know how you feel about television." "But there's this program that I watch." "I've watched it for years, and uhm, it's only an hour." "Which hour?" "Well it starts in 10 minutes." "But that's impossible, I'll just be settling in to work." "I'm sorry, but I have to watch The Storm Within." "Well what the dickens is The Storm Within?" "It's a soap, well a soap opera, and I watch it every day." "Melody, you've seen how cooperative I've tried to be," "I've bent over backwards to fit in, so as not to disrupt your regiment, and now you insist" "I'm watching trash when I have to do a little work." "The Storm Within is not trash!" "It's entertainment." "Life is not just a round of pleasure Melody." "The answer is no." "It has to be no." "Out of my way pygmy." "(baby crying)" "Don't you ever push my child." "Listen Laura Lansing, I don't know why you're here but this is my house." "And you are a guest here." "And I will not let you abuse my children because I happen to love my children." "And you will not dictate to me what I will do and what I won't do in my own home, is that clear?" "You've got a point." "I have indeed transgressed the rules of decent behavior." "I apologize." "I shall go to my room and stand in the corner." "[Female Voiceover] But I can't leave my husband, he needs me, and mentor my daughter Jennifer." "[Male Voiceover] By the way, where is Jennifer?" "[Female Voiceover] Oh she's out on the fire escape with that boyfriend of hers." "I'm worried Bill." "[Bill] What about Anna?" "[Anna] That boy is a little too forward," "I think he's up to no good." "And Jennifer's putting on weight." "(jazz music)" "If I wanna go, I'll go, don't try and stop me." "You can't leave me, not now!" "I'll kill myself, I swear." " Then kill yourself." " Why would she kill herself?" "Because he's impregnated her." " Huh, the swine." " I never liked you anyhow!" "(jazz music)" "It's the people I like, Walter, all the people I like." "I think I understand that Violet." "If I like you, the sky's the limit." "Do you like me Violet." "Would I be here if I didn't?" "May I ask why?" "I'm fascinated by older men." "Especially when they've got a slightly wounded look in the eye." "You got a slightly wounded look in the eye." "Which eye?" "It shifts." "You're so perceptive." "Thank you." "I really feel like I can talk to you, Violet." "You're so young and fresh." "Free." "You don't know." "My wife, she's wonderful." "She's just a housewife." "Sometimes I wonder." "What am I doing married to a housewife?" "Life isn't easy." "[Walter] That's right, that's right." "But it's okay, I myself am engrossed in horticulture." "Horticulture?" "I love green, little green growing things." "I have this geranium on my window sill, and it's dying, I love it so much." "Why?" "I over-water it, I can't help it." "You're so, so..." "Young and fresh and free?" "Yeah." "Can I ask you a personal question, Violet?" "What?" "Can I see your geranium?" "(television and radio blaring) (screaming)" "[Annette] Who said she could take my table?" "Annette it doesn't really matter." "Well, howdy too!" "Oh Laura this is Francie Barber." "I live next door." "How do you do Ms. Barber?" "You just go into people's rooms and take their..." "There sure is something..." "[Malcolm Junior] Mom where's Daddy's chair?" "Where do you think it is?" "Hush, now go turn off your music, I warned you." "This here is Orville, he's my youngest." "I got seven." "I'm not surprised." "[Francie] Not?" "No, from what I can see it appears to be the neighborhood pastime." "[Annette] I want my table back." "Why can't we watch television?" "Because I will not spend the twilight hour with a bug-eyed boob who is too dimwitted to dig into his won inner resources to find ways to spend the time." "Just thought I'd ask." "Oh listen Ms. Lansing, Myrtle down the street, she told me just yesterday, she's so excited you're here because she read one of your books, she says it's real good." "Oh thank you." "Except for the end, she said it went off the track, but she read it clear through." "If you'll excuse me." "Sure honey, I know we'll just see a lot of each other this week." "Looks that way." "(Orville chirping)" "Quiet Orville." "When I first saw her I couldn't believe my mind," "I said that can't be Laura Lansing!" "(women chattering)" "I hate you." "You do?" "You're a selfish, mean, old..." "Writer, and you're a little girl." "Despite the fact that you're made up like" "Phyllis Diller on a bad night." "I'm not a little girl, I'm old enough to do it." "(baby crying) (TV blasting)" "Another hour." "It smells delicious." "Let's open a bottle of champagne." "What, do you think we should, I mean, two nights in a row?" "Two nights in a row?" "And can't we, can't we sit in the backyard?" "Do you mean to tell me that you never had any other beau but Walter?" "No, it was love at first sight." "Well, I'd had crushes on hopeless people like the class president or movie stars but, it was Walter." "We were so young but we decided to get married right away." "And it's been wonderful ever since." "I bet." "Oh yeah, oh now!" "Malcolm, don't put that in your mouth that way." "Stay here." "Here's to Walter." "To Walter." "Of course uhm, it isn't the same." "I mean, the physical part." "He has to work so hard and he's always bone-tired," "I can't expect..." "It doesn't mean he doesn't love me." "Of course not." "You've never been married?" "No." "[Melody] That's too bad." "Is it?" "(phone ringing)" "I'll be right back." "Hi there honey!" "Hi Francie honey." "[Woman] Is that our celebrity sitting there?" "It sure is." "[Woman] Well what do you know, wait till I tell Phoebe." "Are you having fun?" "Look, look, ball." "[Laura] Give me the ball, give me the ball." "(baby crying)" "Malcolm, stop that." "I told you Ms. Lansing loves you." "That was Walter, he's got to work ever later than usual tonight." "What have we have, a power failure?" "Sit down kids." "Why are we eating so late?" "We had cocktail hour." "[Walter Junior] How can we see what we're eating?" "If you can't see what you're eating, Walter Junior, or Junior Walter, or whatever your name is," "I will give you extra carrots." "Yuck, carrots." "It's so romantic, I think it's lovely." "[Walter Junior] I'm too young for romance." "I'm not." "[Walter Junior] Did the celebrity cook?" "The celebrity cooked." "Look, lovely lamb." "I wanted hot dogs." "Chemicals." "[Walter Junior] What are we eating, a corpse." "Eat." "Okay but I just hope you know you're eating some sheep's child." "[Television Voiceover] (speaking foreign language), the phenomenon of demonic possession." "Keep it down, she said you could watch it for a while but you gotta keep the volume down." "I gotta go get your dad, behave." "[Laura] Annette, come and help me do the dishes." "Mom does the dishes." "Well tonight, you and Walter Junior and I are gonna do the dishes." "Come on Walter Junior." "(baby crying)" "Oh, what is wrong?" "Well, you, you wanna help do the dishes too?" "Hi honey, guess what it wasn't so bad," "I kind of like her." "How was your day?" "Honey if you don't mind, I'm too tired." "Of course." "Well we had quite the day." "First we went to the supermarket and she bought out everything." "Oh, she rearranged all the furniture, you wouldn't believe it!" "Mom, she made us do the dishes." "[Walter Junior] And I had to take out the garbage." "Oh I'm sorry." "Hi Daddy." "Hi honey." "[Walter Junior] Girls watch the dishes." "How was your day Ms. Lansing?" "Lovely, thank you." "And how was your..." "Day?" "Walter." "(phone ringing)" "Hello." "[Larry] Hello there, it's Mr. Baumgartner." "Oh hello it's Melody." "[Larry] How are you?" "Good, one second, Laura!" "[Larry] Everything going along well?" "Oh yeah we're having a wonderful time." "[Larry] What are you doing?" "Uh well, at the moment I'm vacuuming." "It's for you." "[Laura] Who's it it?" "Mr. Baumgartner." "Oh, thank you." "Hello Larry." "[Larry] Hi." "Hold on just a second will you please?" "Melody this is a little personal, would you mind?" "Oh of course." "Well what did you find out, was I right?" "I think you're crazy." "I haven't been writing romantic novels for 40 years for nothing, I can look in a man's eyes and tell if he's having an affair." "Now who'd have an affair with Walter Gomphers." "That's what we've got to try and find out." "Well, I did ask Rosella, she knows everything that goes on around here." "[Laura] And?" "Oh she laughed too." "But then she said she thought it might be the Xerox girl." "She's the office sexpot, really just kind of chippy." "Oh dear, oh dear." "Is something wrong?" "No, no, no, no, no." "It's my lecture tour, I knew I'd be asked to go to Indianapolis, and I didn't want to." "Well I hear it's pretty." "Tell me more about Indianapolis Larry." "Indianapolis?" "It seems such a far way to go." "How far along is it?" "Oh, oh I don't know Laura." "But Rosella says she thinks he's got a crush on her." "Has contact been made between the interested parties?" "With Violet I doubt if there's any other way." "Violet?" "Who's Violet?" "My booking agent." "What do you think I should do Larry?" "Stay out of it." "Of course I'd love to see Violet, see what she looks like." "Well if you want to lose the bet, then come on in and look at her." "Goodbye Larry, keep me posted." "Sometimes these tours can be so difficult." "Indianapolis isn't so bad, I had a girlfriend who moved there with her husband and they liked it." "Here you go Stace." "(giggling)" "Hello." "Lunch?" "Oh I can't, I promised Mr. Farley." "Oh." "I was crazy about your geranium, Violet." "I'm a little worried, one of its leaves is brown." "Oh, well." "I'd like to see it again sometime." "Under different circumstances." "What would you say if I was to tell you I love you?" "Oh that's okay, I don't mind." "Who cares about you?" "You're just a torn page in my book of memories." "Don't torture me Al, unless you really mean it." "I've been faithful to you." "[Al] Yes you have, you little tramp." "That looks like..." "What?" "Nothing." "[Melody] That's Al Lamont." "Why don't you go out and have some fun?" "How can I, I'm pregnant." "Everybody's pregnant." "Only the women." "There's always a way." "Isn't he wonderful?" "Al Lamont, the sexiest man in soaps." "Isn't he awful, how can any man do that to a woman?" "If that happened to me, I don't know what I'd do." "There's always a way." "The washing machine's broken, I'm gonna use Francie's, you wanna come?" "No, I think I'll stay here and make some notes." "Are you gonna write a book about us?" "Maybe, have you got a dictionary?" "Oh right over there, I'll see you later." "(calming music)" "(door slamming shut)" "(weeping)" "(door knocking)" "Who is it?" "It's the selfish old writer." "You wanna be friends?" "[Annette] Where's Mom?" "She's over at Francie's." "(weeping)" "Now..." "Now." "It isn't as bad as all that." "I did what he wanted and now he doesn't wanna see me again." "What did you do?" "What do you think?" "In my day it would've been a fairly innocent kiss." "Have you talked to your mother or father about this?" "They wouldn't care." "I think they might." "They don't know anything." "[Laura] They do love you." "God, nobody loves me." "I used to watch Damon play basketball." "I'd just die, he's so..." "All the girls are crazy about him." "And I ran right into him coming out of the gym." "And all of the sudden he looked at me, and he said, do you wanna go out?" "I couldn't believe it." "So we, we had a cheeseburger and he said he was in love with me and he always would be." "Then..." "I see." "Listen darling, the word love is used very loosely in this world, I love gumdrops," "I love popcorn, but the real thing, seriously, is rare." "Love, love isn't just a word." "It is a wonderful happening, it takes time." "Be weary, be cautious, even be a little bit suspicious, and above all, don't do what he wants just because he wants it." "But I was afraid I'd lose him if I didn't." "Honey you couldn't lose because you didn't have him." "You're young, you're building a life, everything you do leaves a mark." "Say to yourself, I'm Annette Gomphers, and this me, is worth something, I'm of value." "But I'm not." "Well how do you know that?" "There may be the most wonderful things in you, just bursting to get out." "Don't laugh, sometimes I think there are." "I'm not laughing." "I don't know what we'll do when you're gone, Laura," "I'm getting so used to haute cuisine." "I wish my cook could see me." "Where's Dad?" "Oh he had to work late honey he's gonna come home bone-tired." "Mom is it all right if I go over to Shirley's?" "Sure, just don't stay out late." "Okay." "Bye Ms. Lansing." "Bye dear." "When did you two get so chummy?" "Mom can I go play ball?" "Isn't it too dark?" "Not if I hurry." "Okay." "What was the name of that again?" "Chicken Agavero, it was some eggs' mother." "Yeah, but not bad." "I'm getting used to the champagne too, isn't that awful?" "Oh you'll be gone in just a few days." "Yep." "Are we some kind of survey?" "No." "[Melody] Oh come on, why are you here?" "It's a bet, Larry bet me" "I couldn't last a week, with..." "Well with what?" "With a normal family." "Why couldn't you?" "I'm detached from all that." "[Melody] That sounds so sad." "No, no, it's not that." "Where you ever in love?" "Oh yes." "[Melody] Well what happened." "Well, I loved him, I really did." "In my way, you know." "He wanted a wife, a mother of his children and I wanted..." "What?" "Laura Lansing." "Are you sorry?" "No, no, I don't have any regrets." "I've had too lucky a life for that." "Well I'm glad you're here." "Thank you." "Oh there's Walter." "Hi." "Hi honey, we saved you some food." "You want some champagne?" "Gee, you people are turning into real drunks." "No we're not, and we had a wonderful day, didn't we Laura?" "Yes we had." "Well except that Laura has to go to Indianapolis on a lecture tour, but that's not so bad is it." "Not so bad." "I'm gonna clean up." "See Laura, tell Violet." "(baby crying)" "Oh I'd better put the baby to bed." "Who's Violet?" "Laura's booking agent." "Violet." "You think you know something don't you?" "Well you don't." "Violet, the famous Xerox girl." "She's just a kid at the office." "She's a high school drop out, she's kinda lost, she needs advice from older men." "And what you need Walter..." "Sshht, she'll hear you!" "(muffled arguing) (water streaming)" "Excuse, just what does this have to do with you?" "Nothing, except that if I ever hear that you spent one red cent on little miss Xerox, when Melody hasn't even got a decent dress, so help me Lord, I will kill you with my bare hands." "Keep it down." "I just happen to love Violet." "Oh nonsense, this is sex." "Really it's a remarkable difference, and I don't think sex has much to do with love, unless of course you're lucky." "And you don't strike me as being lucky, Walter." "Listen, I don't wanna hurt Melody." "I can't help the way I feel about this girl." "The trouble with men is, they're men." "What was that all about?" "Oh we were just having a little discussion." "Oh that I know." "Walter, soup's on." "Laura I need to ask you a favor." "What?" "Please don't nag at Walter about making more money." "[Laura] Why not?" "He works so hard, and it's all for us, for me, the kids." "So I have to scrump a little, I do that gladly and willingly, I'm really very lucky." "He's kept a roof over our head and food in our mouth all these years." "Is that all you ask?" "A roof over your head, and food in your mouths?" "And Walter." "(melancholic music)" "(phone ringing)" "Hello?" "[Doris] Mr. Reid, Mr. Conway Reid?" "Who the hell is this?" "It's Doris Whimms, Ms. Laura Lansing's secretary." "Oh uh, yes?" "Ms. Lansing is visiting some friends on Long Island, and she wondered if you could possibly lunch with them today." "I think I can arrange that." "We'll send the car for you, is 11 o'clock all right for you?" "Uh, fine, thank you." "And thank Ms. Lansing." "Is it..." "How dressy is it?" "I wouldn't worry about it, goodbye." "No, oh no that's hideous." "I don't get it, who's coming for lunch?" "An old acquaintance of mine, acted in a play" "I once wrote, a terribly attractive man." "But why is he coming to lunch?" "So you can practice dear, practice at being a woman." "That's very dreary." "I'm a mother." "Well some mothers do manage to be women." "Oh, it's beautiful." "Oh I won't look like me." "That's good." "Is lunch all ready?" "[Laura] It's all taken care of." "Where's Malcolm." "I took him over to Francie's." "Oh he's here!" "Hi." "Is this a joke." "Oh no sir." "Conway." "Laura darling." "How lovely to see you." "How sweet of you to ask me." "From Emma." "Ah in the kitchen." "Are you staying for lunch." "No way I'll be back in an hour." "What a charming room." "Isn't it, I can't wait to have you meet our hostess, Melody Gomphers." "Gomphers?" "Such a delight, she'll be out in a minute." "Are you doing research here?" "In a way, ah, here you are." "Melody, this is..." "You, you!" "She's a little emotional." "Is it?" "Is it really you Al?" "Yes, yes it's me dear." "The sexiest man in soaps." "You flatter me, I'm just plain old Conway Reid in real life, not that we have much to do with real life." "How pretty you are, with your face all flushed like that." "Isn't she?" "I'm terribly bored with the soap of course, however, I'm up for a sitcom at NBC." "And there's a very good chance that I may co-star with Michael J. Fox in the new film." "Well here I am, going on about myself." "Tell me about you." "Me?" "All about you." "Well, uhm, I'm just a wife and mother." "Ah, hmm." "Sometimes those can be the most." "Delicious, I'd like to meet Emma sometime." "She's the best cook in New York." "Oh have some more Al, excuse me, Conway." "I don't mind." "Isn't she adorable." "Isn't she." "Melody could you come and help me with the dessert." "Of course." "Hurry back." "(calming music)" "You see how easy it is?" "I think he really likes me." "Of course he does, by the time Walter gets home, you'll be an absolute femme fatale." "Oh Laura!" "(giggling)" "But your life must be so exciting like Laura's." "The way you live, the people you know." "Well mine is of course quite glamorous, nothing like Laura's though." "On that glamorous note, I shall do the dishes." "Ah." "Oh no, don't budge, you stay and talk to Conway." "I love chocolate mousse." "Before Laura came I hadn't gone beyond ice cream." "How deliciously honest you are." "Am I?" "Melody." "I love your name." "It's like music, isn't it." "That's what it means." "Yeah." "[Melody] (gasps) Do you know what we're missing?" "Well at least we can catch the end of it." "(swanky music)" "[Al] Is this what you want, you chic cat." "Oh Al, Al why do you treat me like this?" "Because I love you, and always remember that." "It's you." "The magic of tape." "I can be as tender as I am tough." "[Woman On TV] Oh Al, Al." "About your husband." "Oh he's an accountant, he's very nice, only." "Only?" "I don't know." "Tomorrow afternoon, my place." "What do you say?" "Something in your eyes tells me you want to see more of me." "Does they, uh, do they?" "Three o'clock?" "There's more where that came from." "Oh I can't, the children come home from school and..." "Two o'clock." "Why not?" "One o'clock, what am I saying?" "A little cold lunch, just the two of us?" "A little cold lunch, just the two of us?" "I, I can't, no, no Al." "My card, in case you change your mind." "I'll be waiting." "I can't get over it." "[Melody] What." "The way you look." "Tandaleo." "We had quite an amusing afternoon." "An actor came to lunch, quite smitten with Melody and her women ways." "[Walter] What actor?" "Uh I believe Melody calls him the sexiest man in soaps." "Back to the dungeon." "Good night Walter Junior." "Can I ask you a question?" "What is it?" "Should I go up for track?" "[Laura] Well, why not?" "Because I'm slow." "[Laura] Get faster." "How?" "Well, Walter Junior, when I wanted to be a writer," "I wrote and I wrote and I wrote." "Your best work is habit, run, run, run." "[Walter Junior] You can only do what you can do." "Oh that's not true, you can do more than you can do." "That's the way it goes, the more you do, the more you can do." "Okay." "Can you blame me?" "Entertaining men at lunch." "A friend of Ms. Lansing's." "Are you jealous." "Why should I be jealous, what do I care?" "You're not the only one attractive to the opposite sex you know." "I know." "(foreboding music)" "Walter, when I was doing the laundry the other day," "I noticed quite a smudge of lipstick on your collar and I scrubbed really hard trying to get it out because I want you to look nice when you go to the office." "But I would like an explanation." "The train I guess." "The train?" "Yes honey, the train, it's crowded, people brush up against you." "Oh." "(calming music)" "Oh Walter I forgot to tell you, I'll need the car tomorrow," "I have to go to the periodontist." "Okay, here we go." "Now Malcom's lunch is laid out on the table," "I won't be too long, I don't think." "You're awfully dressed up for the periodontist." "Well I never get into Manhattan so I thought, oh now look, be good and mind Auntie Laura." "Good boy, good boy, thank you." "Oh oh, no, no, no!" "(baby crying)" "Is it good, hmm?" "(calming music)" "Shall I tell you a story, Malcolm?" "Once there was a little girl." "She was very bright but she was very pretty, but she was all alone." "And she said, when I grow up I'm never gonna be alone again." "But she did grow up, and she was in a dark forest," "And she was alone." "But then she met a little boy and his name was Malcolm." "She never was alone again, was she?" "Never was alone again." "Hello Laura, it's Conway Reid." "[Laura] Oh, hello Conway." "I just wanted to thank you for a delightful lunch." "[Laura] Well I'm so glad you could come." "Me too, and thanks for Melody." "Melody." "I've never met anyone like her, she's so different." "By the way, is Melody there, I'd like to say hello." "I'm sorry Conway, she's gone into Manhattan." "Oh great, I've gotta hustle, thanks again for everything, bye dear." "(anticipatory music)" "[Woman] Service." "Hello honey it's 264, take all my calls will you" "I won't be picking up this afternoon." "Conway Reid, Conway Reid." "Ah." "(romantic music)" "Melody, how exciting, come in." "I just happened to be in the neighborhood." "Of course." "Conway Reid please." "[Woman] I'm sorry, he's not picking up." "He what?" "[Woman] He's not picking up." "Are you sure?" "(phone ringing)" "Gomphers speaking." "Thank goodness." "I've been trying to reach you, it's Doris Whimms," "Ms. Lansing's secretary." "I've been in a meeting." "I don't quite understand the message, but Ms. Lansing called in some agitation and asked me to tell you that the periodontist" "is the sexiest man in soaps, and his address is..." "Hey Francie, come, take him." "What's the matter." "[Laura] Hurry, no time for talk." "(baby crying) (anticipatory music)" "That was delicious, thank you." "There's something about smoked salmon." "Isn't there?" "I wish you'd have some wine." "Oh no, I'm driving." "I can't tell you how glad I am you came." "I don't know why I did." "[Conway] Don't you?" "Oh Walter, can I talk to you for a..." "Excuse me." "Listen I have to go out for a minute, and if anybody wants me, I'll..." "Ah there you, Gomphers, you know I've just read this proposal of yours, it comes highly recommended by a client, let's talk." "Come out to my office." "Mr. Baumgartner, I..." "Do you know what I think?" "What?" "I think we should get a little more comfortable." "Look, there's something I want to you say." "What?" "I guess I'm like every other woman in America." "The thought of Al Lamont." "[Conway] Yes." "Lunch, alone together." "Yes." "Nothing personal Conway but I just wish you won't..." "You're saying no?" "Yes." "It was wonderful meeting you." "(upbeat music)" "Conway Reid?" "15C." "15C, thank you." "[Melody] Ah, no." "Hah." "(door knocking)" "Coming." "Laura?" "Where is she?" "She left." "Melody, that's her bag!" "Her bag." "(tires squeaking)" "Uh, uh, uh, the sexiest man in soaps?" "15C." "You've been plying her with liquor!" "No, no, she's driving." "What's that door?" "That's the bathroom." "What's that door?" "That's the bedroom but..." "Be my guest." "(door knocking)" "Wait, wait." "Wait a minute, who are you?" "Where is she?" "In the bedroom." "You!" "I've got caps." "Hello Walter." "I see you two have met." "If you didn't want in here, then why did you get me over here?" "Melody is not your cleaning woman Walter, she's your wife, she loves you, she'd do anything in the world for you." "We're not going up Walter, we're going down." "All you do is meddle." "Walter I was trying to save your marriage." "What do you know about marriage, you couldn't even have one." "That doesn't make me Lulu the Birdgirl." "I'm just as normal as you are." "Normal, you're not normal, you're rich and you're famous and you make the rest of us look like 10 cents." "If you look like 10 cents Walter, don't blame me." "Okay, so where's my wife." "There's your wife." "(calming music)" "Walter, what are you doing here." "Let's go home." "Nothing happened, I couldn't." "You're a wife, and mother." "You're a husband and a father." "Who is she?" "Nobody, a girl, at the office." "I went to apartment to see her geranium." "Her what?" "She has this geranium." "Okay honey, I admit I had ulterior motives, but..." "[Melody] But?" "But she had one room and three roommates." "One was frying an egg, one was washing her hair and one was doing his push-ups." "Yes?" "It's the new world." "All I got for my trouble was a good night kiss, she didn't even hit my face, she hit my collar." "She was looking at the geranium." "(frolicking music)" "(laughing)" "Honey..." "I'm sorry." "I'm only human." "So am I, I'm only very human." "Anyone for Hicksville?" "(calming music)" "They've never slept so late." "Maybe they're dead." "I don't think so." "We're ready when you are Laura." "Do you want this, it was on the bathroom door." "[Laura] Throw it out." "[Walter Junior] Give it to me, a souvenir." "[Doris] We'll wait in the car." "[Laura] Okay." "Good morning." "Morning." "Oh you're not leaving." "Any minute, your breakfast is ready." "We thought you were dead." "What's this?" "I'm paying up." "Oh, thank you." "For everything." "You know, I really shouldn't take this, but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't." "I'd never forgive you either." "I'm sorry you lost the bet." "Yeah, well..." "[Melody] What's the matter?" "I'm not so sure I did lose that bet." "You're walking down the street, you round the corner, at exactly the right moment, and you meet, for no reason, by sheer chance the person you'll spend the rest of your life with." "Why that corner, why that moment?" "It isn't by chance, there is a reason, that wasn't a crazy bet, that was life saying, come on in Laura Lansing, join the human race." "Oh Laura." "So, if you don't mind, I uh," "I won't say goodbye, I can't." "I'll just say, I love you and I'll see you soon." "I'll miss you." "I'm gonna win a race for you." "(serene music)" "Eat your breakfast." "(calming music)" "Bye!" "[Group] Bye, bye bye!" "Isn't she something?" "They're great aren't they?" "Laura, about the bet." "Oh I'll tell you something Larry, bet or no bet," "I'm gonna write something that will knock your socks off." "Well I thought you might." "And don't forget my 10%." "I'm visiting today in the home of our literary greats." "Laura Lansing has been on the top best seller list for weeks no, and Laura the critics are calling Suburban Serenade a classic." "You've captured the heart of America, how did you do it?" "Well, first I have to ask you, have you ever been to Hicksville?" "[Interviewer] Hicksville, I can't say that I have." "[Laura] Don't have to, because I have been to Hicksville." "(cheering)" "And my trip to Hicksville, was really responsible for this book, (mumbling) in my life." "(cheerful music)" "(friendly upbeat music)"