"so what happened there?" "what do you mean?" "well, why did you get all weird when i put my finger up your ass?" "let's, uh-- let's back up." "why did you put your finger in my ass?" "i don't know." "we've been married for five years-- you've never done that." "well, you know, people do that sometimes." "have you done it before?" "yeah, a lot." "really?" "you know, sure." "i'm a nurse, dummy." " i do it to my patients." " oh." "and today i was doing it and i thought," ""hey, maybe louie would like this."" "well, i don't." "so please don't do it again, okay?" "okay, so you don't want anything put up your ass but you wanna stick your dick up mine?" "wait a minute, who said that?" "what do you mean?" "don't all guys fantasize about fucking women up the ass?" "i don't." "really?" "you don't?" "no, i never understood that." "i mean, you're a millimeter away from the greatest place on earth." "why would you wanna go in someone's dried out little asshole?" "okay, you're kind of putting down my asshole here." "i'm sure your asshole is fine. i've never even seen it." "yeah, well, you should." "why?" "because i'm your wife." "you should see my asshole." "you should know everything about me." "what if you needed to identify me?" "you mean-- you mean if you have an accident where your teeth are destroyed but your asshole survives?" "all right, fine, i'll take a look. jesus." " well, now-- - never going to happen." ""lucky louie" was taped before a live audience." "jesus!" "hey, lucy." "lucy." "what, louie?" "lucy, i need you to pick up your toys here." "no." "what do you mean, no?" "i'm still playing with them." "no, you're not." "you're playing in there." "but those toys are waiting meanwhile." "lucy, i'm sick of picking up your toys." "i play with my toys and you pick them up-- that's my deal." " oh my god, who do you think you are?" " i'm lucy." "okay. well, i'm your father, and i'm sick of this crap." "pick up your toys right now." " i don't want to." " well, yes." " no!" "no!" " ye do it right now. i'm not kidding." "hey, come on, she can pick up these later." "baby, go get washed up for dinner." " okay, sweets?" " thanks, mama." "motherfucker." " what?" " you just totally screwed me there." "every time i get home, it's this. i'm sick of all the yelling." "lucy, that's lisa's present for tomorrow for her birthday." "come on, you're messing it up. give it to me." "give it to me." "lucy, give me the present." "lucy, lucy, look at me, look at me." "stop unwrapping the present now." "okay, give me this." " give it-- go away. - give it to me. it's mine." " go away. go away, lucy." " give it." "louie. jesus!" "it's already ripped." "here, honey, you can play with this for a while, but then give it to mama later, so i can rewrap it, okay?" "thank you, mama." "you've gotta stop undercutting me." "i'm not trying to undercut you." "i mean, what is your problem?" "i'm not the problem, she is." "the kid is a fucking asshole." "louie... that's awful!" "obviously, she's going through something." "yeah, tell me about it. she used to be cute, now she sucks." "stop saying that." "i will if she stops being a fucking asshole." "seriously, i never used to get the babies-in-the-garbage thing, but now i understand it." "i'm not gonna throw her in the garbage." "she'd probably find her way home and whine to you about it." "stop it, stop it, stop it." "i said to stop it." "why don't you go play with the other kids, huh?" "i don't like them." "i don't like this party." "lucy, that's not nice." "sorry, ellen." "so is everyone ready for the piñata?" "yay!" "okay, kids, gather round." "ready?" "'cause here we go!" "go ahead, walter." "yay!" "and here's one for you, lisa, and here's one for you, and here's one for you, lucy." " i want more candy." " no, lucy." " lucy!" " lucy, put it down." "hey!" "i'm so sorry, ellen." "she's just excited." "yes, well, this piñata is very expensive." "it's from mexico." " did someone say "cake"?" " yeah!" " i want the cake." " wait wait wait." "come on. they didn't light the candles yet." " i want the cake!" "let me see!" "hey, what are you doing still here?" "i took the day off to spend with lucy." " oh." " yeah, look, i'm sorry that i didn't see before what was going on, but obviously, at the party she was really acting out and i'm staying here because this behavior has gotta stop." "good. good, so what are you gonna do?" "well, for starters, i baked her a cake." "uh, isn't that stupid?" "i just don't think your yelling is doing her any good." "what she needs is some special attention, okay?" "and i think it will do her a world of good to have some mama time." " mama." " hey, lucy boo, guess what?" " i'm gonna stay today all day." " hey, cake." "yeah yeah, mama baked you that cake" " and later on we're gonna have some." " yay!" " yay, good." " i want cake right now." "yeah, but buddy, we shouldn't have cake for breakfast, right?" "you said i could have cake." "yes, later, but right now how about making you some nice eggs?" "no, i want cake." "how are you doing?" "okay, you know what, lucy?" "let's have some cake!" "wow..." " cake for breakfast, huh?" " yeah, you know what?" "i think that part of the problem is all she ever hears from us is the word "no."" "okay?" "every once in a while, she has to hear "yes."" "cake, mama." "hurry up." "yes yes." "huh?" "isn't this fun?" "aren't you glad that mama stayed home today?" "it tastes like poop." " what?" " it's poop. i don't like it." "lucy, mama made that cake for you." "i baked it with love and i gave it to you." "you gave me poop." " oh my god." " uh-huh." "you're right." "she's a fucking asshole." "nice jacket, faggot." "lucy. hey, lucy, come put on your jacket." " it's getting cold." " no." "i don't even know where to start with this discipline shit." "where do you start?" "you hit her." "that's a start and a finish." "i didn't know you hit your kids." "why would i hit my kids?" "i love my kids." "just seems like you've got a rotten one." "so why don't you kick her ass?" "your problem is that you treat her like a kid." "they don't like that. you gotta talk to them eye to eye, like equals. you respect them-- they respect you." " papa, i want a juice box." " okay." "hey, lucy. how have you been, all right?" "you're ugly." "hey, are you all right?" "huh?" "yeah yeah." "i wanna go home now." "well, there's nothing wrong with her eyesight." "hey, guys, can i talk to you for a second?" " what's that?" " listen, uh... we've been having kind of a behavior problem with lucy lately." "yeah." "anyway, i just-- your lisa is so great, you know?" "she's so well-behaved." "how do you discipline her?" "lisa is naturally well-behaved." "we haven't had a problem with her." " oh." " she has excellent judgment." "her first word was "please."" "wow. well, okay, thanks." "hey." " timeouts." " what?" "when lisa turned four, she was a nightmare." "now my daddy used to hit me and i don't wanna pass that on, so we used timeouts." "they work." "see, i get confused 'cause i thought i heard" " that those are bad now." " no no, do timeouts." "just put her alone somewhere, but not in a bedroom-- that's a vacation." " well, for how long?" " just use her age." "so she's four-- do it for four minutes." "geez, thanks a lot, man." " hey, why didn't ellen say that?" "okay." "so what do you two have planned for today?" " i gotta take lucy to the park." " mmm." "i don't wanna go to the park." "okay, where do you wanna go?" "nowhere." "lucy, why are you being so nasty?" "'cause you're stupid." "lucy?" "!" "what did you say?" "i said you're stupid, very stupid." "okay, lucy." "now say you're sorry." "i'm notsorry." "lucy, if you don't apologize, you're gonna have a timeout." " what?" "wait a minute." " don't." "i am... what's a timeout?" "it means that you have to be alone somewhere until i say so." " i don't want to." " okay," " then say you're sorry." " no." " okay, here we go. timeout." " oh, louie." " can i just talk to you for one second?" " no, this is her timeout." " i don't want a timeout!" " well..." " too bad." " oh..." " look, i-- i don't think this is a good idea. - honey, go to work." "go to work right now." "i got this." "just please go, now!" " go." " okay, fine, i'll go." "get back in there." "get back in there." " get in, get in, get in." " let me go!" "you know what?" "i just wanna talk-- okay, please be nice." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "i hate papa." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "papa's bad." "i hate papa." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "papa's bad." "i hate papa." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "papa's bad." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "i hate papa. papa's bad." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "papa's bad." "i hate papa." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "papa's bad." "papa's bad." "papa's bad." "i hate papa." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "papa's bad." "i hate papa." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "papa's bad." "i hate papa." "i hate papa." "papa's bad." "papa's bad... stupid papa." "i'm not sorry." "lucy?" "okay, lucy, your timeout is up." "so come out and say you're sorry." "no, i don't wanna come out." "lucy, your timeout is over and-- go away. the closet is my house. i stay in here." " lucy, come on." " go away!" "jesus." "lucy, your time is up." " you gotta come out now." " only if i don't have to say sorry." " sure, it's fine." " okay." "no, wait wait wait." "you gotta say you're sorry first." " no!" " then you can't come out." "i don't wanna come out." "what the fuck am i doing?" "hey, man, listen, i ran into a problem with the timeout." "lucy won't come out of the closet." " the closet?" " it's-- whatever. look, it's just that she's in there, she won't come out and she hasn't said sorry yet. i don't know what to do." "you put your child in the closet?" "man, i can't help you." "shit!" "lucy!" "lucy?" "lucy, unchain the door right now." "lucy, what are you doing?" "lu-- lu-- lucy, you un-- open the door right now!" "i'm not kidding!" "oh, shit." "hey-- oh, hi, ellen." "uh, can you help me out with something?" "tell him to go away." "no, listen, man, i just need to go on your fire escape." " what?" " no, just-- i-  lucy-- i-- the timeout-  i don't care." " just go, please." " okay, good. yeah, thanks." "lucy. lucy, stop eating that ice cream." "stop. i said stop eating that ice cream." "lucy!" "no, don't go in the closet." "don't go in the closet." " no no no, don't go in there, lucy." "argh!" "oh." "oh, jesus christ!" "oh, god." "come on, fellows." " hello?" " hi." "oh, hi." " are you okay?" " yeah, fine." "so how is it going over there?" "really good. things are really going well." "ugh. louie, don't answer the phone when you're taking a shit." "sorry." "oh, christ." "lucy, that was really bad." "you could have been hurt." "oh, lucy, i'm really mad at you right now." "i'm mad at you." "okay, so what are we gonna do?" "i don't know." "are you gonna come out of there?" "no." "do you wanna come in here?" "okay." "oh, lucy, i'm sorry." "this isn't your fault." "i'm supposed to know how to do this and i don't." "i think i really rewed it up." "i'm sorry." "i love you, papa." "papa, can i have more of this?" "sure. you want some more veggies and potatoes too?" " no, thank you." " okay." " hi." " hey." " how are you?" " we're great." "good." " so how is it going?" " great." "something great happened." " really?" " yeah." "okay, it started out kind of bad. she locked me out." " i had to come in the window and all this stuff-- - what?" "!" "never mind." "the important thing is, we were-- we were in the closet together and she-- we had this moment." "i just think we had a breakthrough." "wow, that's so great." "lucy?" "hey, lucy?" "cut-- cut that out." "what are you doing?" " i said i don't like it." " well, you don't just shovel it" " on the floor." " yes, i do." "after all that, i didn't get anywhere with her." "well, don't feel bad." "i didn't do any better." "i guess we just got a shitty kid." "man. well, at least she'll do all right." "i mean, assholes rule the world." "she'll probably grow up and be rich." "yeah, she'd better buy us a big fucking house." "hello, lou." " is lucy home?" " why?" "i'd like to speak to her, please." "hey, lucy." ""lucy, when i saw you yesterday, you said something very hurtful to me." "i didn't like it and it made me feel bad." "and i need you to know that."" "i'm sorry." " thank you." " okay." "she's a good kid."