"# Worlds away from anyone" "# They were burning themselves out in the sun" "# Worlds away from anyone" "# They were burning themselves out in the sun" "# There was just enough to get that far away" "# Ooh" "# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #" "# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #" "# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #" "This is me, in there somewhere." "I'm having a near-death experience." "What's it like?" "It's like being inside a washing machine - rinse and spin cycle." "They say your whole life flashes before your eyes." "Not true." "I was only thinking one thing - "Revenge of the city boy."" "Rewind." "I come in peace from a distant land." "M-my people should talk to your people." "You here on holiday?" "Is that a question or are you just telling me?" "What?" "I've just moved here." "He's from the city." "Am I?" "Yeah, OK." "You city blokes, youse all up yourselves." "Youse all think you can surf." "Is that right?" "And this is in your experience, is it?" "OK." "What, you scared or something?" "Scared?" "Nah." "Just a healthy respect for nature's fury." "What's this about?" "What, this?" "Chill factor." "My wetsuit's wearing out." "Gotta get a new one." "Mate, he's gotta get a clue." "Wow, you got me there." "Excellent." "OK, fellas, thanks for this little chat, and I'll be seeing YOUSE again, probably." "But the welcoming committee weren't finished with me just yet;" "and somehow, I was guessing that wasn't such a good thing." "Hang on, what's this?" "Don't they teach YOUSE anything about surfing etiquette in the country?" "This is MY wave, pal." "So I'm getting bounced along the seabed, but that isn't what's making city boy mad." "I might be hopeless at football," "I'm an embarrassment in a cricket match, but I CAN ride a board." "It was time to teach the welcoming committee not to mess with city boy." "And tonight; their mums might need to put their board shorts through the wash." "Did you see that?" "I think you just made an enemy." "It was worth it." "Come and get changed." "You'll be late for church." "Yay." "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Death," "I will fear no evil." "Not even aggro surfers with revenge on the brain." "Amen." "This is about as much fun as a disco on the moon." "What do you mean?" "No atmosphere." "Lockie, I hope you understand that, um... ..I'm not one to force my opinions down other people's throats." ""Live and let live" - that's my motto." "But you're my kids." "So if I say we're going to church, then off to church we trot." "I don't get it." "Look at them." "They're not enjoying this any more than we are." "Fun?" "My goodness!" "Must your whole life be geared towards mindless fun?" "We are here to replenish our spirits for the trials and tribulations in the week ahead." "And quite a week it looks like it's going to be - your first day at school, my first day at work." "I think we need all the divine intervention we can get." "The whole church thing - I just don't get it." "Has the thought ever occurred to you that maybe you're not supposed to..."get it"?" "That there are certain things that are so full of mystery they they're beyond our human understanding?" "You don't make Mum come to church." "Phillip, no-one can make your mother do anything." "I thought you would've understood that by now." "Dear Lord, as you know, I haven't asked you for anything since the Eagles played Geelong in the preliminary final, but..." "..I have a baby in nappies." "And, OK, it was my choice not to use disposables." "I stress about the landfill, I admit that." "..I also have two sons, aged 10 and 12, and a husband who can get through 10 shirts in a week and not even think about it!" "So here's the thing... ..I need this washing machine to work." "And I need it to work now." "And if it doesn't work now, then... ..I will know that you don't exist." "That's not a threat, but, you know..." "Think about it." "Carefully." "Because I can be pushed too far." "Thy will be done." "Amen." "# The Lord's my shepherd" "# I'll not want" "# In pastures green" "# He leadeth me" "# The quiet, quiet waters by. #" "This is something I've picked up over the years." "If you ever see an earring and a guitar;" "and there's a minister attached, it means somebody's trying to connect with young people." "There are many tribes in God's house." "In fact, I rather think I can see a few of them here today." "Because... ..of course..." "..we have the footy tribe!" "COME ON, THE DOCKERS!" "OK, then." "Well, I can see we have a chapter of the bikie tribe." "And up the back there," "I can see a cool dude from the headbangers tribe." "This had probably sounded great when the Reverend practised it at home in his bedroom." "Are there any other tribes here today?" "I'm in the, uh, woodchip and whaling task force." "Well, have you ever thought about those tribes that don't wear a uniform?" "That aren't so easy to spot?" "The 'get off my case' tribe?" "The 'nobody understands me' tribe?" "But wouldn't it be great if, ever we felt those things, we could see the other guy in our tribe and say to them, "Hey, bruz, you're just like me"?" "But in front of an audience, this was a major wipe-out." "And what made it worse, he knew it" "The rev was obviously a member of the 'I've just fallen flat on my face and need a hug' tribe." "Top marks." "Tribes?" "Very insightful." "Oh, yes." "I'd give it 'A' for effort." "Oh, really?" "You don't know how grateful I am to hear someone say that." "Dad, 'effort' is an 'E'." "So, technically, that's a fail." "Phillip!" "What?" "Because sometimes it's quite tricky knowing where to pitch the humour." "No, we...we were..." "we were... ..falling over!" "What do you say, Lockie?" "Yep, worked for me." "Huge." "OK, come on, boys." "Alright. 'Bye." "It was really sad." "I don't think I'd seen such a nervous person in my whole life." "Finally, it had arrived " "Lockie Leonard's first day as a high school student" "Luckily, things were hectic enough at home to distract me from the growing sense of dread in my stomach." "Hey, Mum, have you seen Blob's rear end lately?" "You notice the deliberate mistake?" "Apple, apple." "Muffin, muffin." "Chips, chips." "Milk...milk." "Joy, you wouldn't have a clean shirt for me, would you?" "Uh, I think you'll need to take that one up with a higher authority." "And, um, boys, if anyone asks you why you haven't got any clean P.E. gear today, just tell them, "God knows," and leave it at that." "Hmm?" "Raring to go?" "New face in a new school?" "Sure." "That's always gonna be fun." "What about you?" "Oh, anticipation tinged with anxiety." "But the unanswered question remains - will you meet anyone of like mind?" "Or just the usual wall-to-wall boofheads." "Indeed." "'Stormy Monday', in fact." "'Stormy Monday' - it's a blues song, with lyrics to the effect of," ""You thought Monday was a shocker - Tuesday's worse."" "The basic idea being that, by and large, every day of the week is worse than the one before it." "Simple, yet...surprisingly elegant." "Great, Sarge." "I feel better already." "Hey, be thankful you weren't the new boy in my day - guided tour of the boys' toilets," "Vegemite smeared around with gay abandon, and the Lord only knows what they might do to your play-lunch." "Count yourself lucky." "City boy!" "City boy!" "City boy!" "Dunnies!" "Dunnies!" "Dunnies!" "OK, you don't actually want to see this." "What follows contains high-level antisocial behaviour and Vegemite spread abuse." "So, in the meantime, here's something else for you to look at" "Go the Vegemite!" "Where's the paintbrush?" "Not the Vegemite!" "Not the Vegemite!" "Stop him kicking!" "Stink!" "The Vegemite's OK." "I can live with the Vegemite!" "Gross!" "Ew, you need a wash!" "Toilet flush for youse!" "Not the toilet!" "Not the toilet!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Washing off Australia's favourite spread." "Whoa!" "Stop!" "Are you mad?" "No, just very, very sticky." "Take some advice from someone who's been there." "Leave the spread where it is, and wear the spread with pride." "What, turn the other cheek?" "No!" "Turn this into your advantage." "Take Vegemite smearing where it's never been before." "Become the dude from the 'I'm so weird I'm scary' tribe." "Excuse me?" "Those jerks are my tribe!" "They're surfers!" "What happens when I meet the panel van crowd?" "OK." "It's a high-risk strategy." "But what have you got to lose?" "More guided tours through the toilets?" "What about you, Dad?" "'Stormy Monday' - how's it going so far?" "New cop!" "New cop!" "New cop!" "Whoa!" "Take it easy, fellas!" "And of course, here we have the cells." "Ah, yes, cells." "Essential." "Empty, eh, Lisa?" "We were flat-chat." "My goodness." "The stories these cells could tell, eh, Snowy?" "If these...four walls could speak." "Sorry, Sarge, I meant to have got that scrubbed off." "Don't apologise, Snowy." "Some poor miscreant in the pit of his despair can raise himself to verse?" "My God, I feel humbled." ""I never saw a man who looked with such a wistful eye" ""Upon that little tent of blue" ""Which prisoners call the 'sky'" ""And at every drifting cloud that went with sails of silver by."" "Oscar Wilde, 'Ballad of Reading Gaol'." "Do you know it, Lisa?" ""I walked...with other souls in pain" ""Within another ring" ""And wondered if the man had done a great or little thing" ""When a voice behind me whispered low" ""That fellow's got to swing!" "'" ""MY GOD!" ""The very prison walls suddenly seem to reel" ""And the sky above my head was like..." ""..a casque of scorching steel."" "What's your name, son?" "Leonard." "You may call me 'Sir'." "Oh, thank you." "'Sir'." "Yes?" "'Sir'." "I said, 'Sir', right?" "Oh, you see, that's where I got confused." "Leonard..." "Sir?" "Ah!" "You understand!" "Class, he understands." "What are you scratching yourself for, Leonard?" "Is that what you wanted to ask me?" "'Sir'." "Sorry?" "OUT!" "Outside!" "Get out of my class before I tear your head off and use it as a blackboard duster!" "Yes?" "You mean, "Yes, SIR?" I'm sure that's what you mean." "That's it." "Yeah." "Are you a good maths student, Leonard?" "I have nightmares about it." "I think you'll be having a lot more." "Now, go AWAY!" "You know how it is when you look at a painting and the eyes kind of follow you around the room?" "It was like that with Vicki Streeton." "And she looked really impressed by my weirdo act;" "which, in its own way, was, well, kind of scary." "Which was weird, seeing as how Egg said" "I was supposed to be the scary one." "But I didn't wanna be scary." "I just wish we could've stayed in the city with all my old friends, in the same old street;" "and I could have gone on being the same old Lockie Leonard everybody knew and nobody much minded." "Instead of which, I hardly knew myself anymore." "I felt like I was making myself up as I went along... ..unlike Sarge, who'd never been any different." ""And all men kill the thing they love" ""By all, let this be heard" ""Some do it with a bitter look, some with a flattering word" ""The coward does it with a kiss" ""The brave man with a sword..."" "Right!" "Let's go chase some bad guys." "Now, here's an interesting fact for you " "Vegemite doesn't improve with age." "But Egg's strategy had merit." "People were starting to take notice." "This is great." "You're winning, but they can't work out why." "They find this confusing." "It makes their brains hurt." "You - come with us." "How do you like your food, city boy?" "Well-done or toasted?" "Charred, thanks." "Mmm." "Mmm..." "Mmm..." "Mmm..." "Lockie..." "From that point onward, we pretty much had it covered." "Get that paintbrush out of your pants, you dirty little snail!" "Who is that scratching and wriggling over there?" "Boy!" "You got worms?" "It's 'Lachlan', isn't it?" "'Lockie'." "Yes, miss?" "'Ms'." "And, Lockie, as well as teaching the intricacies of the English language," "I consider myself an expert in personal hygiene, and in my opinion, you need to take a bath." "At a carwash." "Shut up!" "Just-just-just shut up!" "Just keep it down!" "Thank you, God." "So we'd survived the day, but we still had to get home." "It's you, isn't it, Egghead?" "You put him up to this." "Put him up to what?" "You painted him with Vegemite." "You're the one who's gonna lose some teeth." "Mate..." "We've been looking for you two for quite some time." "Come on." "Come on!" "Whoa!" "Now, we can do this the easy way..." "or we can do it the hard way." "Spread 'em!" "Now, you might scare the big city cops, but you're not gonna have your evil reign of terror here in Angelus." "You!" "Go home!" "We'll talk later." "Not you!" "Get in the van." "We'll finish this at the cells." "Alright, go on!" "Nothin' to see here!" "Yeah, well, I kicked a soft drink machine at the mall last Thursday and left a great big scuff mark." "Who cares?" "Who cares?" "Then I stepped in some dog poo." "Deliberately!" "So, how was your first day?" "Sarge, there's a sheep in here." "That's Cyril." "You made yourself known?" "Cyril?" "Who's Cyril?" "I was forced to arrest him today." "Defacing public property." "Lawn and flowers mainly." "There was also a sprinkler involved." "I can't keep him down at the station." "They're savages down there." "We'll have to keep him in the yard." "So, how was Stormy Monday?" "Not bad." "Fat Tuesday tomorrow." "Followed by Big Wednesday." "Spring Thursday." "Then Freaky Friday." "Silly Saturday." "And then, at last, Surfin' Sunday." "What's that smell?" "Urn.. .Cyril?" "Oh, right." "When Surfin' Sunday finally arrived, that's just exactly what I did - all day." "But what was city boy thinking about now?" "Not about revenge or Vegemite spread." "Not even Vicki Streeton's perfect smile." "'Cause out here, I didn't need to think about a thing."