"And so I said, "What do you think you're doing, you mucky devil?"" "And he said, "Well, I bought you a pie, didn't I?"" "And I said, "Well, I didn't ask for sauce, did I?"" "And he said..." "Is this team meeting nearly finished?" "Why would he say that?" "I'm sorry, team." "You've got to stop me." "I could go on all day, me." "Now, right, where was I?" "In the chippy with Brian from bingo." "Agenda item number 25." "Mr Cranford's asked me to tell you all that if you bring in a client who's had an accident, the firm will pay a referral fee of £100 a go." "100 quid!" "Right, so does m..." "They've got to be genuine accidents." "I know." "Right, one last thing." "We're having a visit from our Community Fire Officer today." "We need to appoint a fire marshal for our floor." "Any volunteers?" "Is he that fit one that's been before?" "I can't say I've noticed, Tania." "I'll do it." "Mmm..." "Right, then, Darrel it is." "Yes!" "That's not fair." "He's not even allowed matches." "It's "fireman", not "firewoman"." "Right, then, any questions?" "Oh!" "Did you get off with Brian?" "Asif, I'm not that easy." "But he bought you a pie." "So, that is my business proposal." "A partnership." "Let's face it, Mike." "I'm simply a money machine." "Well, making money is certainly your best quality, Johnny." "Thanks, Mike." "Now, on another matter, I hear congratulations are in order." "Yes, Mike, the whole office is talking about it." "I don't like to be modest, so I won't be." "I'm really proud." "Pride's not quite what I expected." "Of course I'd be proud, Mike." "Who wouldn't?" "In the finals with Tobes?" "87 in the semis." "Oh, I was on fire." "Barack Obama!" "Yes." "I was thinking more of the baby." "Oh, right, yes." "You and Tania, I..." "I wouldn't have put you two together." "Me neither, Mike." "It's amazing what can happen after a few sherbets." "So, are you going to make an honest girl of her?" "Has she been stealing?" "You make a lot of money for this firm, Charlie, and I like that." "And your, um, partnership proposals are very strong on paper, but do I want partners who knock people up and then leave them in the lurch?" "Mike, Mike, Mike." "It's not people." "It's just one person." "It's not even that." "It's an office junior." "If you can show me that you have the moral fibre to put things right," "I will consider you for partnership." "You don't mean...?" "I do." "Pay her off?" "(How much do you think I should give her?" ")" "So, do you like bingo?" "No, not really.Pies?" "Is everyone here?" "We really need to get started." "Sorry I'm late." "Oh, he's always late, he is." "I never am." "Always on time, me." "I'll never disappoint." "I'm Darrel." "OK." "Do you want to sit down?" "We need to get started." "Oh, right, yeah, sorry." "Darrel!" "Sorry." "OK..." "Is that an axe?" "Shelley, I was hoping I'd see you." "Have you got any money?" "I'm skint." "Come on, you've always got money." "It's not fair." "I need to pay my fine." "Oh, what have you been doing now?" "You haven't been fighting again?" "So what if I have?" "It's my life." "Stop going on." "It's all right for you, with your job.You could get a job, I know you could." "Yeah, right(!" ") Apparently I'm worthless and unemployable." "I didn't say that." "No, that was the judge." "Oh, well, don't listen to them, what do they know?" "I can see the real you." "You've got loads going for you, Swanny." "Shelley, I've got nothing." "You've got me." "Some girlfriend you are." "You won't even give me some money when I'm starving and cold." "Come on, I know where we can get you some nice, hot soup." "You'll get in trouble." "You can't have a fag break if you don't want a fag." "That's ridiculous." "I don't want a fag, I've given up." "Yeah, but rules is rules." "That's the only reason I smoke, so I can have a fag break." "Oh..." "And blow your smoke that way." "I've gotta protect little Ocean now." "I'm still not sure that's a human name." "What about knob-cheese?" "That's a stupid name for a baby." "No, Charlie." "I thought you said he didn't want it." "Oh, he'll come round." "I have a way of...persuading men." "Do ya?" "He's taking me for a special lunch today." "I'll have him eating out of the palm of my hand." "Are you going to afarm, or something?" "No, we're going somewhere really posh." "Greggs, then, is it?" "No, Nando's." "Nando's?" "Nando's..." "So it's just a question of assessing the risk." "Remember, would a fire wait for you?" "No." "It wouldn't." "OK, has anyone got any... questions?" "What's the biggest fire ever?" "There's a tramp getting all the soup out of the vending machine." "No, it's Swanny." "Oh, is it?" "Are you a girl or a boy?" "Oh, cos I've..." "I've got long hair." "It's a good one." "Knob-head." "And again with your rapier wit." "I'm not sure, I don't think you're allowed to bring violent convict boyfriends into the office." "No-one told me." "It's one of them unwritten rules." "There's loads of them, isn't there?" "No animals, no fires, no knives." "I wish they'd just tell me." "Oh, no!" "What are we gonna...?" "Get him in there." "I'm not disabled." "Not physically." "Look, me boss is coming." "If he sees you, he's going to kill me." "And?" "Well, I'm on a final warning." "I'll get sacked, Swanny." "And?" "Very touching." "I'm gonna have you in a minute, you little tit-face." "Tit-face!" "That's a good one, actually.Listen, I'll give you some money, OK?" "I'll go to the cashie later." "Please just get in." "Anyone else?" "OK, well, thanks..." "If someone had an oxygen mask on... how long would it take for them to burn to death?" "This a queue?" "We're just waiting for someone." "Who?" "A client." "A disabled client." "Probably be ages." "Yeah." "I don't think I can wait." "Oh, right, sorry." "Could you use the, um...?" "I might need some help." "Kenny, help Mr Webster into the gents." "There's a good chap." "Yeah." "OK." "WET FART" "SQUEAKY FART" "Is there anyone else who's got any SENSIBLE questions?" "What's hotter, a flame-thrower or a volcano?" "Frankly, I don't care if you have to close down." "You should have thought of that before your gravestones injured my client's knee." "Yeah, see you incourt, Sister Teresa." "Post." "PHONE RINGS" "Oh, not him again." "This client is a total nightmare." "Just tell him I'm not in." "Me?" "Please." "But he might ask me difficult questions.Thanks." "Hello, Lee Ann Brown's office, Tania MacGuire speaking, how can I help?" "Oh, hello, Mr Johnson." "Erm, no, I'm afraid she isn't here at the moment." "Can I take...?" "No, I don't think she'd do that." "No, I don't think she'd do that either, Mr Johnson - it's illegal." "No, I don't know where she lives." "Bye, then." "Thanks for that." "It's all right." "Oh, here you go." "What's that?" "Mr Johnson's file." "So you can give him that update." "Thanks, Kenny." "Mike, how did he lose the use of his arms?" "There's nothing wrong with his arms." "What?" "God!" "Swanny." "Swanny, come out of there." "Let's hope he's not dead." "What are we gonna do?" "We can't leave him in there." "Can you pick locks?" "SHE CHUCKLES" "Yeah." "Have you got a screwdriver and a wire hook?" "Oh, no, I left it at home today." "Come on, I'll get mine." "Kenny..." "Hey there, my man." "All right?" "I've got some files for ya." "Tell me what you think about this." "Purely hypothetical." "It means "made-up"." "Imagine a guy, he's pretty cool, he's extremely good-looking." "Possibly too good-looking." "He's funny, he's successful, popular." "Let's call him..." "Greg." "The Gregmeister." "He's got himself in a spot of shit." "He's done something,it's not his fault." "But he can get away with it." "Oh, he can get out." "He'll be OK." "But if he does, he stands to lose £100,000 a year." "So, what does he do?" "Does he marry the chick,get the dosh?" "Or does he just bail... carry on with the good life?" "This imaginary chick, is she fit?" "She's all right." "She's thick as shit, though." "Tits?" "Nice." "Firm." "Pert." "Definitely marry the chick, get the money." "You don't have to stay married forever." "I like your thinking." "Then I can have my cake AND eat it." "Have you got cake?" "No, it's just a metaphor." "It means "made-up"." "Wait a minute." "This guy, is it you?" "No, his name's Greg, remember?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, man, I'm late with the post." "I've gotta go." "Oh-ho-ho!" "Chill out there, man." "You seem stressed to the max, brother." "I'm just having a bad day, that's all.You feeling on edge?" "You should do what I do." "Just go and crackone off in the bogs, have a lie-down." "You'll feel much better." "Skin there, blud." "Pick that lot up before I get back from my piss, or I'll have you sacked." "What?" "!" "Relax, man." "Just shooting the shit with my brother." "Flava." "So, thanks very much for coming, Terry." "Anything you need..." "Anything." "Thanks." "Are you all right to get back?" "Know where you're going?" "Don't need me to hold your hand?" "Yeah, it's OK." "Can I see your engine?" "What?" "Is it here?" "Where is it?" "I can't see it." "It's at the station." "Can I come down and see it?" "I'll..." "I'll give you a call on that, yeah." "All right, yeah." "Cheers, Terry." "Bye." "Bye, Terry." "Bye." "Come back any time." "Any fires?" "No." "If you see one, just give me a bell, yeah?" "Darrel Wadsworth, fire marshal." "Where's everyone else?" "I don't know." "I've not seen them for ages." "Have you not given out the stationery yet?" "No, I'm sorry." "I've just been really busy today." "Look at the mess in here." "I'll clean it up, I will, after I send the urgent faxes." "PHONE RINGS" "Are you not gonna get the phone?" "Can you not answer it for me?" "Er, excuse me!" "What did you last slave die of?" "I never had a slave!" "Asif, I am office manager - ie, your boss." "I've a million and one things to do today." "I'm run off my feet, literally." "I do not have time to be answering the phone in here as well." "I'll buy you a pie." "Phone!" "Oh, bollocks!" "Excellent work." "Thanks for that." "It's OK." "Have you ever thought of bettering yourself?" "What, like a makeover?" "Becoming a lawyer, qualifying." "You've got...talent." "You just need some experience on actual files." "I have mentioned it to Charlie." "Oh, Charlie, yeah." "He gave me a message for you." "What was it, now?" "Oh, yes - can't see you for lunch, he's got a very important meeting." "Oh, and..." "Krakatoa." "That's from him." "What?" "You don't mind covering my phones while I'm on lunch, do you?" "You're such a darling." "You can sit there, just don't have any smelly food." "Uh..." "Oh, and while you're at it, you can crack on with these." "Good experience for you." "Ciao!" "Come on, let's get you out of there." "You've been in there long enough." "I'd give it a few minutes, if I were you." "Gloria, what are you doing in there?" "Do you really have to ask?" "No, it's just that..." "Were you expecting someone else?" "No, I was just surprised cos... you're not disabled, are ya?" "I've got corns, that counts." "I should be able to use the partners' toilet really, but this one's nice and light and airy." "It's lovely and warm." "I could stay there all day." "There was this one toilet in Rhyl..." "It's a great story, Gloria." "Cheers, Gloria." "KNOCK AT DOOR" "What do you want, Darrel?" "Fire safety check, Mike." "Well, can't it wait?" "I'm very busy." "Would a fire wait, Mike?" "No, it wouldn't." "Well...try not to disturb me." "FLOOR CREAKS SOFTLY" "CREAKING" "CREAKING CONTINUES" "DARREL TUTS" "What is it?" "A lot of loose paper around, Mike." "Golden rule - put paper away." "Very flammable." "This place could go up like a tinderbox." "Darrel, I am extremely busy." "Mike?" "Mike?" "Mike?" "What is it now?" "Has this heater been PAT-tested, Mike?" "I don't know, it's just a heater." "It should be PAT-tested, make sure it's safe." "I'm afraid you can't use it till it's been tested." "I'll just have to..." "No, no, Darrel, I am cold and I'm just trying to work." "Put a jumper on." "Saves on the old bills as well." "Good job I came along, eh, Mike?" "Don't want you dying in a fire, do we?" "There's another meaning to the word "fire"!" "You've not got a gun, have you?" "Switch the heater back on, go back to the post room and do something useful!" "Are you obstructing a fire marshal in the performance of his duties?" "Yes.Right." "I'll just..." "Get out!" "Ooh, Krakatoa!" "Oi, what are you doing?" "Get away from my baby!" "get away from my baby!" "Pervert!" "Has anyone got any post?" "Look!" "Oh, there he is!" "We asked for the documents two weeks ago." "Well, disclose them or we'll make an application to the court." "By tomorrow." "Cheers now, bye." "How are you getting on?" "Have you finished those files yet?" "Lee Ann, don't..." "I really do need them done today." "Yeah, that's great, but..." "Here you go, have some more." "What are these?" "Those are my urgents." "I should have looked at them yesterday." "If you could just get them done this afternoon, that'd be a massive help." "Oh,did you want to tell me something?" "Er, no, I don't think so." "Agh!" "Oh, yeah, that was it." "Darrel's checking for fires under your desk...with an axe." "You all right?" "Ah, post run." "I need you to sendthese first class." "Oh, God, yeah, I am SO busy." "Completely stressed out." "Lunch?" "Yeah, it was...fun!" "Er, can't really talk about it now." "PHONE RINGS" "Hello, Lee Ann Brown's office." "No, I'm afraid she's not here at the moment." "Can I take a message?" "LEE ANN LAUGHS" "OK." "Thanks, bye." "..On Facebook?" "Hold on." "Oh, my God!" "THAT is so funny!" "SHE LAUGHS" "She's so unattractive." "PHONE RINGS" "Hello, Lee Ann Brown's office." "Oh, hello, Mr Johnson." "Yeah, she's right here, I'll just put her on." "He's gone." "He can't just have disappeared." "Agh!" "Swanny, come back!" "Come on, you've gotta catch us." "Prize for the winner!" "I can see now why you like him(!" ")" "Where's the nearest fire escape?" "Darrel, I don't know." "Will you just help me?" ""Don't know"." "If a fire alarm sounds, what should you do?" "Watch telly." "Wrong." "I'm afraid to say that in the event of a fire, your status would be...burnt." "Darrel, you should do some real work!" "There's loads needs doing." "This IS real work." "This is the best work there is." "Man's work." "I'm a fireman." "Fireman!" "Darrel, calm down, you'll be sick again.Post." "Where have you been?" "Up on your fancy lunch?" "I didn't go." "Charlie had an important meeting." "That's weird." "I seen him with Lee Ann." "Well..." "Well, maybe she was in the same meeting." "In Argos?" "Please don't be in Mike's room, please don't be in Mike's room, please don't be in Mike's room!" "You'll never guess where he is." "Oh!" "Hey!" "You found us!" "Who wants the prize, then?" "Swanny, get out of here now!" "I'm comfy." "Just let us have a little nap." "Swanny, this is me boss's room." "If he comes in here and he finds you, he'll go mad and then I'll get sacked, and I'm not having you lose me another job." "Don't do this to me!" "Blah, blah, blah!" "Right, you've asked for this..." "You're dead!" "Kenny, get him." "Eh?" "PHONE RINGS" "TANIA SIGHS" "Hello, Lee Ann Brown's office." "Yes, I did pass your message on, Mr Patel, but..." "There's no need to shout." "Yes, I do know what I'm doing." "No, I'm not a solicitor." "Bye, then." "PHONE RINGS" "For Christ's sake!" "That's what I'm talking about, baby!" "LEE ANN LAUGHS" "Aaah!" "Bloody slapper!" "PHONE RINGS" "WHISTLING" "Oh..." "ALARM BLARES" "Ooh, bollocks." "Oh, bollocks!" "Oh, bollocks!" "OK, everybody, fire alarm." "Can we proceed slowly and carefully to the designated gathering area?" "Fire!" "It's a fire!" "Everybody run!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Swanny, come on, the fire alarm's going off!" "Oh, well done, Darrel(!" ")" "I might have known my fire marshal would be late!" "How does this make me look, eh?" "Sorry, Gloria." "Where's Kenny and Shelley?" "What d'you mean?" "They're not here." "Oh, no!" "You mean you didn't look for them?" "That's your job, as fire marshal." "You're meant to check the building, make sure everyone's accounted for." "God, you spent all day messing around, and when the alarm goes off, you don't even..." "Bloody Nora!" "What were you doing in there?" "I was having a poo." "What?" "I was having a poo!" "Couldn't you hold it in?" "I was excited." "Anyway, you didn't tell me there was going to be a drill." "This isn't a drill, Darrel." "You mean...?" "Yes, Darrel!" "Oh, my God." "Exactly." "Terry will be coming in his engine!" "Swanny..." "Mike..." "Mike." "Hold on a minute." "What is it?" "Eh, I wonder if this was your heater, Mike." "How funny would that be, if your heater started the fire?" "Mike wouldn't let me test his heater, Gloria." "Shut up, Darrel." "SIREN BLARES" "Terry!" "Christ!" "I'll call you back." "I don't think we should go back in yet." "We don't know if it's..." "We need Terry to green light this before you..." "OK, back...back in!" "Single file." "Twos..." "Maybe go in in twos or threes." "Freestyle, then." "Get off me!" "Oh, God!" "You all right, Mike?" "Shall..." "Shall I just cut to the bit where I give you both warnings?" "You-You can't, because, erm... he's got...he's got a claim." "How silly of me not to recognise one of our more important clients(!" ")" "Pray tell, young urchin, what is your claim for?" "Er..." "Er..." "Er..." "There was this bear, and, erm..." "My leg!" "It bit his leg." "Oh, God, are you all right?" "I didn't do that." "I tripped over some broken flags last week near the bookies." "I think I know where you mean." "Near the back door?" "Yeah." "I told the council guy about 'em, but they didn't get 'em fixed, though." "Bizarrely enough, I think you might have a good claim." "A good claim?" "See, I knew all that." "That's why we brought him in, and..." "Yeah, wrestled him on my sofa." "Yeah." "Well, I suppose I ought to thank you for referring this claim to me." "Now, trot along and tell Gloria that you're alive and unburnt, while I take instructions from our new client." "Oh, Mike, about that referral fee..." "Shelley." "Is it £100 each, yeah?" "Out!" "Cash'd be better for me." "OK, who's this?" "ANGRY VOICE:" "Don't cook it like that, cook it like this." "Otherwise, I'll shiton your legs, bastard!" "Is it Princess Anne?" "No, it's Gordon Ramsay." "SHE LAUGHS" "You're so funny, because he swears and he cooks things!" "Charlie, can I have a word?" "Only if that word is "blowjob"." "Actually, it's "dumped"." "That's not as funny." "And you can shut up an'all, you slag!" "What are you up to, Charlie?" "You ignore me all day, you cancel our special lunch at Nando's, so you can go out with this old trout?" "I've had enough, Charlie." "What ARE you talking about?" "Asif told me all about it - your secret little trip at lunch." "Are you knocking her up as well?" "No." "She was helping me choose something...for you, Tania." "There's something I want to ask you." "Will you...?" "CRACK!" "Arse!" "Wank!" "Basta-a-a-rd!" "Arse, wank, bastard?" "That's not even a..." "Oh, here!" "Oh, Charlie!" "A ring!" "CHARLIE GROANS" "Charlie...yes!" "Yes, the answer's yes!" "That's a real jewel." "Only the best for you." "I'm going to make an honest woman of you." "I haven't been stealing." "Congratulations." "Oh, thank you, Mike." "Do you want to see my ring?" "She means the one on her finger," "Mike, not her..." "Shut up, Charlie." "Sorry." "Yeah!" "I can't believe it." "I was a brilliant fire marshal." "This is wicked!" "The first fireman in my family." "My dad's well proud." "This is my future, my destiny." "Britain's first Asian fireman." "I'm pretty sure there must be other Asian firemen." "Name one."