"Are you sure you don't want some coffee?" "No, I'm good." "You sure you don't want to go back to the bedroom?" "No, I'm good." "Yeah, you are!" "Shh!" "Keep your voice down." "I don't want Milo to hear us." "Why?" "Are you ashamed of me?" "Yes." "Look, earlier in my career, I got involved with a co-worker, word got out, and it changed everything." "Well, I don't care what people think." "Yeah, I know you don't, because the guys will be all, "nice work,"" "and do that thing where you pound fists and blow it up." "What is that?" "Jude, nobody does that anymore." "I'm just saying, it's different for women." "It changes the way people think of you or even look at you." "Message received." "It'll just be our little secret." "Promise?" "You have my word." "Hey, morning." "You're up early." "Yep, just reading the news as per "yooszh."" "Man, did you see this article about the earthquake in east Asia?" "8.6." "No, but I did see this article of clothing on the bathroom floor... 34-c." "Who was it?" "Chick from the bar?" "No, no." "She's really smart and classy." "But I can't tell you her name." "Why?" "Do I know this person?" "Well, I can't tell you because it would be awkward the next time you run into her." "So I do know this person." "No, again, I can't tell you because it would make things weird at the office." "Oh, my God!" "You're sleeping with Jude?" "Damn it." "How'd you do that?" "Look, man, you cannot tell anyone, all right?" "This is a big deal to her, and I don't want to mess this up." "Lips are sealed." "Jude, huh?" "Nice work." "So, where do you guys want to go for lunch?" "Burgers?" "Chinese?" "Italian?" "Listen up." "PJ's coming in today." "So we've got to focus on work, minimize the chit chat, and be ready for inspection." "Oh, crap." "I need to clear my browser history." "So, Italian?" "Well, I might not eat till next week after the breakfast this one cooked." "Oh, stop." "You stop..." "Being the perfect roommate." "This rascal made me a veggie frittata with truffled home fries." "He even left me a little note in my pocket that says, "have a nice day."" "Ah, good morning, ladies." "Milo, back again." "You're gonna be the first person that doesn't work here to get employee of the month." "Ah." "Funny banter that also hurts my feelings." "I miss this place." "How can you miss it?" "You show up every day." "Well, today, there's an actual reason." "After much consideration, I have finally selected the film for tomorrow's sixth annual bad movie night." "Drumroll, please." "May I present to you..." ""Showgirls."" "Wow." "Now, the rules of the evening are..." "Every time we see boobies, we drink." "Oh, my God." "We are going to die." "Check this out, bitches." "So, I'm interviewing the Knicks city dancers for my article on how to seduce a cheerleader." "One of the girls felt I was trying to seduce her and gave me these..." "Four tickets for tomorrow's game." "Floor seats, bitches." "Could you please stop calling us bitches?" "One for you, you, you, and me." "Oh, wait." "Tomorrow's bad movie night." "We can't miss it." "Can't you just watch a bad movie on a different night?" "Oh, yeah." "You know, I mean, traditions are overrated, right?" "You know... maybe we should just move Christmas to August." "And while we're at it, why don't we just dissolve the government and live like animals?" "Now, wait." "Hang on." "The game starts at 7:00." "It should be over by 10:00, which means we're watching "Showgirls" by 10:30 tops." "Everybody wins." "Well, not exactly everybody, because I still don't..." "Everybody wins, bitches!" " All right." " Let's do this!" "Yeah!" "You know what would be great?" "Some more of those strawberry blintzes you made last week with a little powdered sugar." " Those did make you smile." " Oh." "If I could offer one tiny critique..." "I like paprika, but it doesn't like me." "Oh, my God." "I think I got it." "The panini press I ordered for you?" "No, no." "This great apartment I found." "You're looking at apartments?" "How come you didn't say anything?" "Well, I didn't want to jinx it." "I'm gonna take one last look at the place and then sign the lease." " Wow." "You sound pretty excited." " I am." "I mean, I've been sleeping on your couch for a month." "I store my clothes under your sink." "That's no way for a man to live." "Well, it's a way." "I'm thinking if we lose half these bulbs, we can cut 15% off our power bill." "Plus, it'll give a cool kind of cave vibe, like maybe a bear's in here." "Get me price quotes on an office bear." "PJ." "It's good to see you." "Thought, uh, you might have heard, but, uh, your daughter and I are taking a little break." " Little break?" " Mm-hmm." "She's halfway to North Korea with Dennis Rodman." "Now, where's that sweaty little Cabbage Patch kid" "I hired to run this place?" "Hey, Jeff, is it cool if I eat your cake?" "Just say something if it's not cool." "You're the best, Jeff." "Oh, look." "We caught one in the wild." "Oh..." "Mr. Jordan, um, what a nice surprise." "I didn't expect to see you so soon." "You should expect me anywhere, anytime, with anyone." "I'm like a handsome airborne illness." "Very handsome." "Three steps back, ewok." "I'm a married man." "Little heads up..." "I'm gonna be making some changes around here, so, uh, I wouldn't get too comfortable in that office if I were you." "And now, like a deaf guy playing musical chairs, I'm out." "Uh, sir?" "I just said I'm a deaf guy." "Damn it." "The printer's down." "Again?" "They really need to replace that thing." "I-is that how you solve all your problems?" "Uh, what if that old printer has only been here for two months and already increased ad sales by 15%?" "And what if that printer doesn't have any savings because it spent it all on vintage toys?" "Did you two ever think about that?" "I got to be honest and say no." "I rest my case." "Did you hear that?" "Yeah." "I feel like the printer's a metaphor for something." "No, I mean he said, "you two."" "Have you told anyone about us?" "No." "No, I promise." "No one at the office knows." "Are you sure?" "Because I feel like" "Lloyd was giving me a weird look in the break room." "Lazy-eyed Lloyd?" "That's the only look he's got." "Am I right?" "Yeah, this place is amazing." "And it's mine." "I can walk around naked if I want." "There you are." "So, what do you think?" "I think that lady New York finally parted her thighs for old Neal Bradford." "What?" "I meant I like it." "Wow!" "This bedroom has a river view!" "I got to say, it's, uh, it's pretty great what you're doing for my friend here." "Your friend had perfect credit, great references." "So, really, it was an easy decision." "Great references?" "Huh." "Yeah, it's amazing what a good lawyer can make go away these days." "What do you mean?" "Oh, I shouldn't say anything." "Case files are sealed now." "Well, what did he do?" "Well, according to 7 out of 12 jurors, nothing." "Important thing is, the doctors say he's ready to become a productive member of society again." "Fingers crossed." "I see." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "They never did find those hitchhikers." "But no bodies, no crime." "Am I right?" "Man, those closets are huge." "You could fit like 10 people in there." "Hey, guys." "It's me again." "Saw the game ended over an hour ago, and you're still not here." "So hope you're not dead in a ditch..." "Although that's the only excuse I'll accept." "It's Milo." "Finally." "Question... what has eight legs and likes to party?" "Me." "The eight legs was a mislead." "Oh." "Myron, what are you doing here?" "Well, I overheard there was movie night and perhaps some drinking." "And the truth is, things are looking pretty bleak at the office for the man you see before you..." "Myron." "Um, well, would you like to come in and watch "Showgirls"?" "Yes." "Yes, I would." "Boobies!" "Boob!" "Ohh." "How many boobs have we seen?" "17." "17?" "How do you know that?" "Well, I'm like a titty rain man." "So, you plan this event for your friends, and they didn't even bother to show up?" "Yeah, I've become the odd man out ever since I quit." "They've got inside jokes, they go do stuff without me, and now that Tyler and Jude are sleeping together," " I don't even..." " Whoa." "They're sleeping together?" "You can't tell anyone..." "Especially Myron." "Shh." "I'm Myron." "Shh." "Great game." "Milo." "There you are." "Sorry we're late, but it wasn't our fault." "The game went to double overtime." "Did you know when you get floor seats you get to go to the V.I.P. Bar?" "So we watched the second overtime down there." "And after the Knicks won, the players came in." "Tyson Chandler bought everybody a round," " and then he..." " Stop!" "I find your story pathetic and somewhat meandering." "Myron, what are you even doing here?" "Well, I'll tell you what he's doing here." "He's here honoring the tradition of bad movie night, and he wasn't even invited." "I was just lonely." "Yeah!" "Well, Milo, can't we just watch the movie now?" "No, we cannot, because the best breasts are behind us." "Shame on you all." "This man had a nice evening planned." "Yeah!" "And where were you?" "Out gallivanting?" "!" "With your shiny jerseys and your knickerbockers?" "Yeah!" "It's bad enough that he feels like a loser 'cause he stupidly quit his job." "Yeah." "But now it's even worse because Jude and Tyler..." "Ooh!" "I almost..." "I almost said it." "You almost said that they were sleeping together!" "Why's everybody so quiet?" "You told them?" "No, I just told Milo, and it was only because he found your bra." "Yeah, 'cause I'm the only woman in New York who wears a bra." "My God, I wish that were true." "You guys are a thing?" "When did this start?" "Oh!" "Tell me what happens." "Thanks a lot, Tyler." "I'm out of here." "Sideboob." "Should we do half a shot?" "Yes." "Hey, Milo, guess what you are." "Wait for it." "Here it is." "You're a dick." "It was an accident." "It wasn't an accident." "You're pissed because you think you're being replaced." "Th... that's completely not true." "Didn't you just say those exact words to me?" "Shh!" "I hope you're happy, Milo." "You ruined my relationship." "Okay, maybe "relationship" is the wrong word because it's new, and we're not putting labels on it, but whatever it was, you wrecked it!" "Wah!" "I lost the apartment." "Oh!" "That's terrible." "Yeah." "Apparently someone implied that I was a serial killer." "Oh!" "I was kidding." "Come on, man." "You don't want a landlady who can't take a joke." "Why would you do that?" "I..." "Don't know." "I think you do." "I think you sabotaged me 'cause you didn't want to lose your frittata-cookin' man servant." "Sabotage you?" "I've been letting you sleep on my couch for a month." "I had a chance to start over, and you killed it!" "Hey." "Do you want to sleep somewhere else?" "Yes!" "That's the point!" "Fine!" "I don't need you." "You think you're the only man I can get to cook me breakfast?" "This city is lousy with them!" "I somehow feel like this is maybe my fault." " Morning." " Morning." "Wait!" "That was a reflex." "I take it back." "I hope your morning sucks." "Neal." "Neal!" "Jude." "Don't even start." "Okay, but can I just ask one question?" "Tyler, you don't get it." "I asked you for one thing, and you couldn't do it." "I know." "I'm sorry." "It was an accident." "Doesn't matter." "It's done." "And now nobody's gonna take me seriously." "Well, nobody takes me seriously, and I seem to be thriving." "Well, good for you." "Look, my friends aren't gonna tell anyone." "Oh, please." "You know it's gonna get out." "I might as well just stand up and shout, "hi, everyone."" ""It's me, the new girl." "Guess what..." "Tyler and I are having sex."" "Uh, Jude." "I haven't been that drunk since my three weeks as a high school principal." "What the hell happened last night?" "It's all just a blur of nipples and tears." "Sounds like my sophomore year at Wellesley." "Well, PJ's gonna be here any minute." "And then I'll be out of a job." "I understand that white rhinos are endangered." "That's why I want to kill one now before they're all gone." "Good God, son." "You look like something I just had lasered off my back." "All right, decision time." "Where's the girl?" "Yo." "You're lovely, but I meant the new girl." "Right here, sir." "How would you like Myron's job?" "Wow." "You could at least do this privately." "Wait." "You want me to be the editor in chief?" "You're smart, you've got great credentials, and I've heard you're sleeping your way through the office." "I respect your hustle." "Wow." "How can I say no?" "Say the word "snow" without the "s"?" "But I'd rather you accept the job." " Thank you, sir." " Mm-hmm." "Myron, you can pack up your office." "All right." "I'll go." "But mark my words." "You haven't heard the last of Myron Sterbakov." "Yeah, I'm promoting you." "Because I will be right here by your side." "And I will never stop loving you." "I love that you've increased our ad revenue." "Keep it up." "You are now the very furry editorial director of Jordan Media." "Thank you, sir." "You won't regret this." "See that I don't." "You promised me that job." "I promised you a lot of things." "Mama, I've got big news." "Wake up Nana and the captain, and put me on speaker." "Whatever it is, Gibbs, it's not gonna change what you did." "Would you give me a chance?" "Hello." "Ms. Kosavich?" "What are you doing here?" "I told her I made all that stuff up." "I didn't want you to move out." "Not just because of the cooking, but because..." "Well, I liked having you around." "I thought I was imposing." "Well, you were." "Then I got used to it." "Point is, I was being selfish." "And you're right." "Sleeping on the couch is no way for a grown man to live." "So I asked her to come here so we can work something out." "So there's still a chance?" "Oh, I don't know." "I've got 20 people on a waiting list, so your offer's gonna have to be pretty sweet." "Well, what do you have in mind?" "Let me put it this way..." "I'm old, but I'm not dead." "Okay, what does that mean?" "I think you know." "Uh..." "I'm sorry, but that's not on the table." "Oh, yes, it is." "In fact, that's where I prefer it." "Guess I should go check out my new office." "Still can't believe this." "I know." "It's like you're my boss." "It's not like I'm your boss." "I am your boss." "So, what does this mean for us?" "I don't know." "Oh." "I guess it means that from now on, I'm on top." "Tyler, I was wrong." "Actually, Milo, it turned out..." "Let me finish." "I betrayed your confidence, and as a result," "I publicly embarrassed your lady." "Yeah, but... and the only way to make that right is to publicly embarrass myself right here in this office." "Wait." "What were you gonna say?" "Nothing." "Go ahead." "Hey, everybody." "Uh, I want to show you something." "But, first, let me remind you that it's cold in here." "Actually, buddy, maybe this is a bad idea." "Trust me." "It's the only way." "So, he doesn't shave his face, but he shaves there." "Well, he's not trying to make his face look bigger." "Whew!" "So, we even?" "That would have been better if you hadn't worn my trench coat, but sure." "Milo, how would you like your old job back?" "How can you make that happen?" "You didn't tell him?" "I tried, although, admittedly, not very hard." "I got promoted, and I need to hire someone to replace me." "You're always saying that you got more work done on your novel when you had a job." "Right, but I just..." " Showed everyone your penis?" " I saw." "And I appreciate the gesture, but let's move past it." "So, yes or no?" "Well, can I think about it?" " Nope." " Then yes." "The chia-head is home." "Let's get you some pants and go celebrate." "Nice hire, boss." "Permission to give you a strictly professional thank-you hug?" "Granted." "Can I grab your butt?" "Denied." "Wow." "I haven't gotten it up without pills in 15 years, but that gets me going." "Thank you, ladies." "Three celebrities you'd punch in the neck if there were no repercussions..." "Go." "Justin Bieber, the daughter on "Homeland," and Honey Boo Boo." "Those are three children." "Yep." "You don't have a problem punching three children?" "They didn't have a problem ruining my 2013." "Hey, Gibbs, by the way, did you really have sex with Neal's landlady?" "Of course not." "She was just looking for a little companionship." "We had lunch, we took a walk in the park..." "It was all very innocent." "Then why won't you look at us?" "I'm not ready." "Look, whatever you did, Gibbs, it worked, so thank you." "She even knocked 50 bucks off the rent." "It's not enough." "Who's that?" " Jude." " Oh, yeah." "How's it gonna be dating your boss?" "Uh, great." "I can't see any downside." "Really?" "'Cause I can't see any upside." "No, come on." "Think about it." "I can roll into the office whenever I want." "No, you're gonna have to show up early because she won't want to play favorites." "And if I buy her lingerie, it'll be a business expense." "Only if she wears it to work." "And if we break up, I can sue her." "Face it, Tyler." "You're screwed." "Not at all." "Nothing has changed." "Here, listen to this text she sent me." "It's adorable." ""Your lunch was over 20 minutes ago." "Get your ass back to the office."" "That's sexy, right?" "You know what, though?" "I think I'm gonna go." "She got that boy on a short leash." "Poor guy." "You want to knock another 100 bucks off your rent?" "What does she want you to do?" "It's what she wants us to do."