"Good work, Vlad." "Good work." "HE LAUGHS" "Mr Count?" "Do you normally read this sort of thing?" "I found it in your confiscation cupboard." "Yes, I caught a student reading it in assembly." "Are you enjoying it?" "Ah, a haunting love story of a vampire man... and a human woman." "Sentimental and completely unrealistic." " I don't suppose you've confiscated the sequel?" " I'll see what I can do." "Now, for a more pressing matter   the graffiti." " Some of it is hopelessly inaccurate." "Oh, but I'm sure nobody believes a word." "Seriously, it will be painted over before parents' evening?" "You promised to release the funds." "Don't tell me you've forgotten?" "Don't worry, everything will be all right." "You did forget." "I promise you, it will be gone by Monday." "I'm not doing it." "Clean up your own mess." "I'm too busy cleaning up YOUR mess!" "I have to smooth things over with Von Racalud in person." "I only posted him to Transylvania, you garlicked Goody McEldrich!" " There's a big difference!" " What?" " I didn't get caught." "You need to learn that actions have consequences." "Being a vampire isn't all about mindless violence." "That's just the fun part." "You need to learn discipline!" "I'm not spending my whole weekend cleaning up graffiti." "Of course not!" "You need to keep up with your training too." "I've been training every night this week." " You still haven't mastered telepathy." " I hope you can read this!" "Actually, I can." "And the answer" " I seriously doubt it would fit." " Bertrand, make sure he doesn't slack off." " You can't tell him what to do." "Unfortunately, he can." "Until you're 18, I must obey the Regent," " as I must you." " You see, Vladdy, remember, hard work and discipline." "I'm off on a mercy visit to see my old friend, Racalud." "Yes, he's been very poorly after a nasty package holiday incident." "Well, I hope you have a good flight." "It's so good of you to keep an eye on my Vladdy." " He's at a difficult age." " Teenage boys think they know it all." "They're desperate for independence" " but they need strong parental guidance." " You are so right." "How did you get to be so wise at such a young age?" " I'm not that young." " You're wiser than Vlad's mother and she's 250." "SHE GIGGLES" "Have a good trip." "Oi!" "Scram!" "This is my patch!" "Quite right, Renfield, get rid of them." "RENFIELD CLEARS HIS THROAT" "I said..." "SCRAM!" " And take that mangy dog..." " Hello, handsome." "Oh, don't you look the business!" "I don't suppose you'd like to come inside for a cup of tea?" "This way." "'Dearest Sis, I know you think you can save me 'by slaying the Draculas, but I don't want you to get hurt." "'Please, Erin, get out of there before it's too late.'" "Ingrid." "Feeling better?" "Listen to this. "Members of a shady organisation" ""known as the Blood Brotherhood claim to have evidence" ""that Vladimir Dracula is not the Chosen One." ""It is now their mission to wipe out the entire Dracula clan."" "Ha!" "I knew there'd been a mistake." "Vlad could never be the Chosen One, he's far too pathetic." ""The Brotherhood are asking anyone with information regarding" ""the whereabouts of the Dracula family to call the number below."" " Aren't you worried?" " They'll never find us here." "And even if they did..." " bring them on." " No disrespect, Ingrid, but you're hardly at your fittest." "And the Count's not even here." " Argh!" " Sorry!" "Don't apologise!" "I've never seen you so focussed." "This new technique's bringing out your killer instinct." "Come on, let's go again." "Not now." "It's time for telepathy practice." "Argh, my father can go bite himself!" " We must obey the Regent." " This Regent thing is doing my head in!" "Remember - discipline and self control." "Fine, we'll do the stupid telepathy thing." "Just clear your mind." "Focus on the images and send them to me." "As you're still learning, I'll communicate with you on this, OK?" "Message received." "Whisky, tango, foxtrot." " Over." " Over." "Renfield!" "What does a vampire have to do to get a snack around here?" "I'm, uh..." "I'm not the headmaster, exactly." "More the waste disposal engineer and hygiene manager." "It's a lot of responsibility... but the perks are very good." "Of course, the hardest thing to deal with...is the loneliness." "And I like..." "'Try the next one." "'Concentrate.'" "A snake...in some grass." "A snake...in...grass." "This is stupid!" "Hello, darling." "Mum?" "Renfield!" "Where did you come from?" "What happened to you?" "You look...awful." "Patrick left me." " Really?" " Cast me aside for some blonde she-wolf arm candy." "Well, I'm sure he'll take you back," " he always has done before." " Not this time." "She's only 100 years old." "How can I compete with that?" "'OK, I'm getting an image." "'A horned devil woman with a forked tongue and cloven hooves.'" "That's how you see me?" "Thank you, Vlad." "If only Patrick would see me that way!" "It's good to see you." "It's been a while since I had a live meal." "You won't make me sick, will you?" "Sorry, but I'm gagging for a pint of warm, fresh... fluffy...cuddly..." "Curse you!" "Why d'you have to be so cute?" "Patrick's just one werewolf." "There's plenty more fish in the sea." "Look at me." "What man would want this?" "'Renfield.'" "I'm definitely getting an image of Renfield." "Forget it." "I've had it with men." "I'm going to be an independent woman and stand on my own two feet." "What, really?" "You?" "You don't think I can do it?" "Well, it's just it doesn't seem to be going very well so far." "You know, you've really grown." " How so?" " I mean inside." "You're strong." "You're not a boy anymore." "You're a man." "I'm proud of you." "Goodbye." "Wait..." "You can't leave like this." "You can get yourself cleaned up in Dad's room." " Second on the left." " Thank you, Vladdy." " That's your mum?" " Yeah." "Dad will go BATS when he finds her here." "I'm sensing your mum and dad have got a few issues?" "Just the usual stuff - lying, cheating, multiple murder attempts." " Why not just tell her to get lost?" " Because she's my mum." "SHE CACKLES" " Mum!" " Vladdy." "You look great." "Thank you, darling." " So..." "What are you doing?" " What does it look like?" "Mum..." "Time for a tea break?" "Sorry, who are you?" "Oh, er, this is my mum." "Magda..." "Carmella..." "Elizabetta..." "Barthoria..." "Westenra." "Alex..." "McCauley." "Biccie?" "No, thank you." "Keep up the good work." "Nice to meet you, Ms Westenra." "Urgh." "What a drab little peasant." "What does your father see in her?" " Nothing." "She's just head teacher." " SHE CHUCKLES" "I know your father." "He always had this perverted thing for breathers." "You're being paranoid." "Miss McCauley is not Dad's type." "SHE SIGHS" "What's up?" "You should be preparing yourself." "Your glorious destiny is the Chosen One," " not slaving away like a common peasant." " Don't tell me, tell Dad." "He's my Regent." "I have to do what he says till I'm 18." "You're twice the man your father ever was." "Why should you listen to him?" "Like I said, he's my Regent." "DIAL TONE" " BEEP:" " 'You have reached the Blood Brotherhood." "'If you wish to join the brotherhood, press one." "'If you have information about the Draculas, press two.'" "'Speak.'" "The Draculas are staying at Garside Grange school in Lancashire." "'We'll be there.'" "It'll be clean and quick, right?" "I mean, you won't hurt them more than you have to?" "LINE GOES DEAD Hello?" "H-hello?" " But" " I - couldn't be Regent." "Such responsibility!" "That's man's work." "I wouldn't know what to do." "That's the beauty of it." "You wouldn't have to DO anything." "I'd make all the decisions." "You really want ME to be Regent?" "Yes, Mum, I want you to be my Regent." " Er...what's that?" " Our contract." " That was quick!" " Not really." "It took me months to get that drawn up." "I'm cancelling this right now." "How do I do that?" " You don't." "Only" " I - can cancel the contract." "You devious, conniving witch." "You say ALL the right things." "Is it legally binding?" "Afraid it's water-tight." "Someone really knows their vampire law." "Patrick's lawyer's the best." "Patrick was in on this?" " You're back with HIM?" " We never split up." "As if any man would leave THIS!" "DOOR OPENS" "Ah, the peasant." "Take that outside and burn it." " Put it down, Renfield." " Patrick and I need the space!" "He's NOT moving in here." "You don't have a choice." "Now, do play nicely when Patrick arrives for the photo-shoot." " Photo-shoot?" " Digital, of course." "FANG!" "Magazine are doing The Chosen One And His Regent." "We're going to be stars." "We're supposed to be in hiding." "You'll get us slain!" "Don't be so dramatic." "And you might want to get changed." " They'll be here in 20 minutes." " I'm not doing it." "HE YELLS" "The Ward agrees to forfeit all powers against his Regent." "No..." "I don't think this tutor's working out, Vlad." "Go!" "THUNDER CLAP, SHE CACKLES" "This is nice!" "Please, you have to help me!" "I must obey the Regent's orders." "I'm sorry, Vlad." "Good luck." " What are you doing?" " Playing with my food." " Where's your dawky tutor going?" " Mum sent him away." "Mum?" "She's back?" "You loser." "You fell for one of her scams." " She tricked me into making her Regent." " Nice one, Mum!" " I feel sick." " So you should!" " Girl Power's finally arrived in the vampire world and we're going to make your life a living hell." "You're doomed." "Unless I tell Dad." "As I said, you're doomed." "How angry do you think he'll be?" " On a scale of one to mass murder?" " There's no choice." "If those journalists report where we are, we're all dead." "Me, Dad, Ingrid and Mum." "That doesn't bother me so much anymore." "Anyway, I need to call Dad immediately." "I need to use my training." "Leave me alone..." "Let me get on with it!" " Mum." " Ingrid, darling!" "I came as soon as I heard." "Really(?" ") I've been like this for weeks." "I may have stopped off in Paris..." "Thanks for your concern." "Anyway, I've been thinking about what we can do now you're Regent." "Patrick and I don't need a sickly invalid weighing us down." " But I'm your daughter." " I know, but you can't expect special favours." " We're women." " I had to lie, cheat and thoroughly demean myself to get the Regency, and I'd expect you to do the same." ""Dear Ryan, by the time you read this, our nightmare will be over."" ""I have found a way to wipe out the Dracula clan." ""Ingrid and her family will be dead," ""and the vampire curse on you will be lifted." ""I know you have been suffering during the transformation," ""but soon, that will all be reversed, and you will be human again."" "I knew you could do it, Vladdy." "Your message came through clear as a bell. "Come home now," ""Major A blood for tea"." ""Major emergency"." "Oh, not nearly as good." " What's the emergency?" " Reporters from FANG!" "Magazine are on their way." " I need you to get rid of them." " I'll tell them to leave you alone." "The thing is, er, some stuff happened while you were away." "Some of it good, some of it bad." "Actually, most of it bad." "Look, long story short," "I kind of made Mum Regent." "HE ROARS" "I made Mum Regent because you never listen to me" " and you treat me like a child." " So you gave my powers to that... fur-loving strumpet?" "!" "I thought she'd respect me." "I've got a plan to fix this, but I do need your help." " Why should I help you, you little traitor?" "!" " Cos Mum's Regent." "She'll throw you out and you'll be powerless and homeless." "So what's your plan?" "Mum's got this crazy idea that you fancy Miss McCauley." "Ludicrous." "I know, right?" "But we can use it." "What's your name, hmm?" "Where did you come from?" "How would you like the opportunity to stab your mother in the back?" "Literally?" "Regrettably, no." "It's better than nothing, I suppose." " You're clear on what you're doing?" " Of course." " Just remember..." " I know." "Pretend that I like Miss McCauley." "And do not fall for Mum - again." "What do you take me for?" "She's a detestable abomination, black-hearted and evil through and through." "Like I said, don't fall for her." "Bun-Buns!" "WHAT are you doing on my throne?" "MY throne." "I'm Vlad's Regent now." " Oh, good." " What?" "!" "Well, being Regent was becoming a bit of a chore." "Now I'll have more time for moonlight walks with the bewitching Miss McCauley." "I don't know what you see in that stinking breather." "Don't you insult her!" "She's more of a woman than you'll ever be." "More than this?" "I'm sorry, Magda." "I've moved on." "CRASH!" "Master Vlad?" "Who do you think is winning?" "CLATTERING" "That'll be Mum throwing something at Dad." "BANG!" "That'll be Dad destroying the furniture." " SMASH!" " That could be either of them." "CLATTERING" " Ooh!" " CLATTERING STOPS" "It's over." "What are you doing?" "Well, how can I resist her?" "She's my world." "My death." "My darkness." "SHE LAUGHS" "Oooh." "I hope you have a plan B." "I'm busy." " I need your help." " I'm at a critical point." "I need you to dress up as a woman and pretend to be Mum." "Nothing that can't wait." "This is the place." "We go in, ash the Dracs, then leave." "HE GROWLS" "Who are you?" "Who are YOU?" "You really don't know?" "FANG!" "Magazine." "Ah, I read your article." "This is the lot that called us "shady."" "HE GROWLS" "FFRRRT!" "HE ROARS" "Mummy!" "Thanks for the cover story, ladies." "Such a shame they won't be around for the scoop of the century - the total extermination of the Dracula clan." "How do I look?" "Like death warmed up." "CLANGING" "What was that?" "The sound of my heart beating out the rhythm of my love for you." "You don't have a heartbeat." "That's how much I love you." "SHE GIGGLES" "THUDDING" "Hello, darlings." "FANG!" "Magazine." "We're here to interview the Draculas." " Please, come in." " (No, get rid of them!" ")" "Where is the so-called "Chosen One"?" "He's out." "But I'm all yours." "All right, darlings, I am ready for my close-up." "I sense a heartbeat." "You're no vampire." "You're not even a woman." "Oooh!" "Do you think we're fools, human scum?" " No!" " RENFIELD WHIMPERS" "It's obviously another hoax." "Waste our time again, breather, and we'll be flossing you from our fangs for a fortnight." "HE GASPS" "Good riddance." "Where are those wretched hacks?" "HE HUMS" "Was it a success?" "Renfield dressed as a woman - never fails." " The journos have gone." " What do you mean "gone"?" "He means you totally fell for my plan." "Your plan, Bun-Buns?" " Don't Bun-Buns me, you nefarious harridan!" " Bun-Buns!" "Dad was just distracting you while we tricked the journalists." " It's over." " Over?" "It's only just begun." "I'll sell our story to the Vampire Times instead." "Stop right there." "Oh, look at those cheekbones." "You could cut glass with them." "RENFIELD:" "Oh, yeah!" "Where did you get THAT?" "Wouldn't it be terrible if someone uploaded them onto Bat Bite" " for everyone to see?" " Especially Patrick." " Please, don't show the pictures to Patrick." " I won't." " As long as you annul the contract and go home." " Never!" "Fine, if that's what you want." "50% uploaded... ..60%..." "Wait!" "You're a fool." "You could've been famous." "Dead famous." "Goodbye, darling." "Well, I hope you've learned something from this." "Always read the small print." " And?" " That sometimes you're right?" "Exactly." "Erin, why have you packed your bags?" "Oh, close the blinds, Renfield." "It's sunrise." "DOG BARKS" " CHILD'S VOICE:" "Ow!" " Who is that?" "Has anyone seen my mum?" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"