"And, so, what's in the envelope?" "Oh, it's a calendar from my boyfriend." "Oh." "He's always sending me stuff." "He manages a copy shop, so he's really good with the equipment." "See?" "Wow." "He really goes all out, huh?" "Yeah." "It's like, has he ever heard of chocolate and flowers?" ""The bearer of this coupon is entitled to one gigantic smooch when I see you."" "I think I'll hold on to this one." "Yeah, he's... he's great, but..." "I don't know." "What?" "Well, I've been going out with him since I was in tenth grade." "I mean, don't you think I should see what else is out there?" "Yeah." "Yeah!" "I mean, maybe you guys, you know, need a little break or something." "You know, like sting said," ""if you love somebody, set them free"?" "Yeah." "Ok, that's it." "I'm gonna break up with eric tonight." "Really?" "Yeah." "But you better be around to support me afterwards, because I am gonna be a mess." "Ok." "Ok." "I'm gonna have a girlfriend." "Like, this is so cool!" "I get to, like, have 2 toothbrushes, you know?" "One in our room..." "right." "One across the hall in her room." "Right!" "Oh, it's awesome!" "Steven, is lizzie aware that she's your girlfriend, or were you planning to tell her at a later date?" "Oh, ok." "Well, what do you think is gonna happen?" "She'll dump the guy, she'll feel, like, alone and saddish, and who's she gonna come to?" "The karper." "All right." "Wait for her to come to you, and you're gonna wait forever." "You've got to get in there and steal her." "I can just do that?" "Gentlemen?" "Ok, are you ready?" "'Cause you're gonna remember this moment coming up for the rest of your sweet lives." "That was the moment?" "Yeah." "Come on!" "Have a drink." "Those guys over on the multicultural floor, they couldn't finish it, so, uh..." "The keg we gotta return by 6:00, but the beer in the keg, it's all ours, baby." "Count me out, guys." "I'm the designated lover." "Ok, let's go." "We're not roommates until we kill a keg together." "Come on, do this with me." "I-I-it's fun." "Sure that's just one keg, ron?" "Yep, and we're gonna drink it before it goes flat." "Damn straight." "Ok..." "Uh, to those lightweights on the multicultural floor." "Cheers." "You guys, get in here right now." "Lizzie's boyfriend is here!" "Whoa." "Eric's here now?" "Yeah." "Your nemesis has arrived." "Well, it's..." "Come on!" "I gotta see this dude." "Hey, lizzie." "Uh, how you doing?" "We were just gonna go watch some television, so I was wondering if... did you, maybe, wanna come and watch television?" "Um, well, eric and I are just getting ready to go out." "Oh, hey, how's it going?" "Sorry, I didn't see you there." "Excuse me." "Uh..." "Welcome." "Uh, thanks." "What's your name again?" " Steven." " Steven." "Hey, good to meet you, steven." "And, um, that's lloyd and marshall and ron, and rachel you met." "Hope there's not gonna be a test later." "Well, we'll see you guys later." "Hey, uh, just have a good time." "You can count on it." "Yeah." "Lloyd seems really cute." "Eric!" "This beer tastes like mustard." "Have you ever dumped anyone?" "Almost." "But we never actually, like, went out or talked or anything." "'Cause, you know, girls don't really notice marshall." "Well, that's stupid." "Just do anything different, and girls will notice you." "You know, when I was in high school, there was this totally normal guy named..." "Dennis." "Well, one day, he came into school with this snake around his neck, and then everybody started talking about how hot "snake neck dennis" was." "You know?" "Yeah." "Hey, you guys..." "Hi!" "So..." "How's it going in there?" "I don't know." "They've been in there for quite a while." "Hey, dudes." "Listen, you guys know where the bathroom is, or..." "Yeah." "Uh, it's just down the hall, um..." "Past the television lounge... can you just walk me there?" "It's like, the maze up here, you know." "I guess so." "Thanks, man." "After you." "Tell you what, that was something." "Oh, yeah." "Hey." "Eric." "Steven." "God." "I love this place." "College is great." "Yeah." "It's fun." "So, you and lizzie hang out a lot?" "Well, you know, we all kind of, like, hang out together in a pack." "That's cool." "That's cool." "How are the ladies treating you?" "Oh, uh, uh, you know, no..." "no luck yet." "Oh, don't worry." "Hang in there." "It'll happen for you." "Thanks, um, it's right in there." "Oh, all right." "Well, I can take it from here." "I don't know." "What are you doing?" "What?" "Having sex isn't exactly breaking up with him." "I know." "But it wasn't like that." "It was like..." "We were saying good-bye." "So you did break up with him." "No." "But on a deeper level, it felt like we both knew it was the last time." "What you're doing is wrong." "I mean, it's only gonna make him feel worse." "Oh, my god." "Oh, god." "This..." "Has got to end." "Wake up, lloyd." "Time to wake up and drink me." "Time to wake up and drink me." "Hey, there he is!" "Come on, we got to get drinking, man." "Rachel's drinking more than you, you wimp." "It's going flat." "We got to hurry." "All right." "Where's my beer?" "It's in your hand, guy." "Come on." "Let's go." "Sleep don't drink no beer." "Hey, rachel..." "You know yesterday when you were talking about..." "The dude with the snake?" "Yeah." "I think we should do it." "What?" "Take me to the pet store." "Marshall, you are going to be such a stud." "Really?" "Yes." "Girls are just gonna love you." "Cool." "Cool." "What's your favorite film?" "Ok..." "Um..." "I tell people it's red dawn, but in actuality, my favorite movie is you've got mail." "No, no, no." "You got tom hanks." "You got meg ryan." "You got a very likeable greg kinnear." "You know, you think you're... you're better than it, ooh, this movie is gonna suck." "Then you watch it, and it's... it becomes a part of you." "It's in you." "We should watch it together, lloyd." "Uh..." "I don't think I really want to do that." "Come on, lloyd." "We haven't hung out yet, man, and I always thought..." "I don't know if you've thought it... but I always thought we should be the guys who were hanging out together." "I thought we should be roommates here, 'cause I think we're cooler than those guys." "All right." "I'm in." "Let's rent it." "Aw, you've made a wise choice, my friend." "Steven, come here." "Hey." "I did it." "You did what?" "I broke up with eric." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "When?" "Just a few minutes ago." "Um..." "How'd he take it?" "It wasn't too bad." "I..." "I think he gets it." "Yeah." "And are you ok?" "Yeah." "I feel good." "Good." "Good." "Thanks, steven." "Sure." "# I'm a sexy robot # # a robot who likes sex # # sexy robot # # da da da da da #" "Oh!" "Oh, hey." "Hey, steven." "Hey." "Lizzie dumped me!" "But I remembered your name." "Oh, god!" "Oh, god!" "Are you..." "Ok?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Yeah?" "I just need a minute." "Yeah." "Sure." "Lizzie dumped me." "Yeah." "You..." "you mentioned that." "Well, you probably want to get yourself together and stuff before you leave, so, hey, take care, eric." "After a date..." "I would always drop her back off at her parents' house, and then I'd go back to my house, and there'd be a message waiting for me from her..." "Telling me how much she loved me." "Now I'm never gonna get one of those messages again." "I'm never gonna get one of those messages again!" "Oh, god!" "It hurts so bad!" "Hey, hey, hey, uh..." "Idiot!" "Stupid!" "I'm so stupid!" "No!" "Ow!" "I hurt my head." "Hey." "Please." "Hey, stop." "Idiot!" "Stupid!" "Hey, uh..." "Do you want to come to my room?" "Ok." "Hey." "Can I help you with something?" "We're looking for something that he can wear." "Something that'll make me look cool." "Ok." "# My name is g, so see, dawg, of course #" "# I got my slogan, not a hero like hogan #" "# I'm from downtown # oh, hey, kim." "What's up?" "Oh, hey, jennifer." "What's up?" "Hey, what's up?" "How are you?" "Know what?" "# Work the lick, and then I dig the sun # kind of looks like you a little bit." "Yeah, people tell us we look alike." "He doesn't bite, right?" "# Hey, yo, check it again #" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "So, is... is this thing, um, is it poisonous?" "You know, it doesn't say it on the cage, but..." "# Wishing on the stars of my eyes, of my sight # # 'cause I'm out of sight # she..." "Seems friendly." "Yeah, it'll sleep in the same bed with you." "# Bartender, slide us some sauce # # specialty, the recipe # it's $15, including food." "Oh, we love it." "Yeah, she spent a decade in a fourth-grade classroom, so..." "Don't poke her with chalk." "She goes nuts." "All right." "This beer tastes good." "Yeah?" "That's probably 'cause you got some leftover pulp." "Lizzie's right, you know." "She's too young to be committed to somebody right now." "It's like that song, if you love someone, set 'em free." "Did you ever hear that?" "No." "No, I haven't." "Well, it's true." "I suck at setting her free, you know." "All... all these stupid calendars and photo collages..." "And pillowcases." "Is that too much, do you think?" "No, I..." "I..." "I'd like it." ""Dreaming of you."" "What was I thinking?" "Should have written," ""I'm your worst nightmare."" "Or, "I don't sleep because I'm obsessed with you."" ""While I'm not sleeping, I'm busy stalking you."" ""When you're not there, I put on your underwear and sleep in your bed."" "Oh, yeah." "I'm a psycho!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "I'm a psycho!" "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" "I'm an idiot." "If you, in your life, get to have what I had with lizzie for one second, you'll be the luckiest guy in the world, steven." "Um, good convo, steve." "Uh..." "Thanks." "Keep an eye on her for me, all right?" "I'll..." "I'll try." "Here." "Hey, eric, uh..." "I don't think you should leave." "What are you talking about?" "I think that there's something we can do." "Hey, check out that guy." "Hey, birdman!" "Hey, look at the bird." "Sure, sure." "Hey, birdman!" "Check out that bird!" "Oh!" "Cute bird." "Hey, birdy." "Birdy." "Oh." "Can I touch it?" "Don't poke the bird!" "It's just..." "it's just pleasant." "You know?" "It's just like waves lapping against the shore or something." "'Cause it's like..." "it's like they're e-mailing each other, and they don't know." "You know?" "And everyone's reaching out, and they're all connecting, and...." "It's like us bonding, lloyd," "I would say." "It's beautiful." "That's why it's beautiful." "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "Oh, you want..." "you want me to pause it?" "That's ok." "I'll come back in a while." "But you're gonna miss... you're gonna miss what happens." "I know what happens, ron." "Oh, you know what happens, lloyd?" "They meet in real life, she finds out he owns the book chain ruining her mom-and-pop operation, they continue their affair on-line, realize who each other are, and kiss right before the closing credits as some overused louis armstrong song plays in the background." "Typical american tripe." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "Yeah, I'm..." "I'm gonna puke." "I gotta puke!" "I gotta puke!" "# Lady love # # your love is peaceful like a summer's breeze #" "# my lady love... # so I said to him, you want 3-hole punches, that's fine, but you got to tell me." "I'm not a mind reader." "# All the good times # # that it brings # # my lady love # # you've been with me # through all of my ups and downs #" "# my lady love #" "# I once was lost # # but now, with you, I'm found # # you got the love I need # # and I want to stay around # # heaven sent you down # # my lady love #" "you think this is gonna work?" "Yeah." "Definitely." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Ok." "You have some glitter on your eye." "Thanks." "Oh." "This beer is the devil's brew." "I'm never drinking again." "You know, lloyd, uh, I think it's good that we did this, 'cause now we know that we should never really do this ever again." "# and I think to myself # you know what, ron?" "# What a wonderful world # greg kinnear is quite likeable." "Tom hanks..." "Topnotch, as always." "Ow!" "Thank you, though." "Oh, sorry." "No problem." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Hey." "Whoa." "Bud, what happened?" "You know what?" "I don't really know, and I don't really care." "You look kind of cute with that eye." "Shut up." "You're evil." "No, I'm not." "I'm gonna puke again, man." "You're gonna think I'm the biggest flake..." "But I got back together with him." "Wow." "Well..." "No." "Cool." "He spent all day making me this thing." "Wow!" "Chocolate and flowers, eric-style." "I mean, I don't know how I'm gonna feel about it later." "But I think I need this now." "Well, you know, then it's the right thing to do." "Thanks." "Want one?" "I'm good." "Thanks." "I love you." "I love you, too." "Gonna miss you." "I wish I could just have sex with you right here on the gravel." "Eric." "What?" "It's just steven." "Hey, um, take it easy, eric." "Put that thing away." "Thanks for everything." "Yeah, sure." "Bye." "Bye, baby." "Bye, baby." "I love you." "I love you." "He's a good guy." "He's the best." "When is he coming back?" "Tomorrow." "Oh." "# ..." "By my side # hey, liz, what's up?" "No, no pressure." "No, no, no, I'm not threatened." "Everything's fine." "Everything's fine." "No, no, I'm not constantly worried you're gonna cheat on me." "No!" "No, I'm not constantly worried about being alone, that you're gonna leave me." "No, I'm not a psycho!" "Ha ha!" "I'm not a psycho!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "I gotta..." "I gotta stop doing stuff like that." "That's the problem."