"Come here." " Ta-ta." " Ta-ta." "Don't forget the checkie." "Can't produce plays without checkie." "You can count on me, you dirty young man." "Good-bye." "Bye-bye." "Good-bye." "Bye." "Bye-bye." "Old buzzard." "Hold me." "Touch me." "Hold me." "Touch me." "Hold me." "Touch me." "Darling." "Hold me." "Touch me." "Not in the hall." "I know she's in here." "I wonder where she's hiding." "Where are you?" "Where are you, devil woman?" ""Finders keepers"" "Here I come, ready or not." "There you are, you little flirt." "What's the matter?" "Papa no want to play with baby?" " I think Papa's neck is broken." " What a sissy." "Meow." "Meow." "I wonder where old Tom is tonight?" "Oy." "Bialy." "Bialy, darling, did I hurt you?" " It's only a flesh wound, lamb chop." " Don't worry, darling." "I'll kiss it and make it well." "Mr. Bialystock." "Mr. Bialystock?" "How do you do?" "My God." "I mean excuse me." "You mean, "oops," don't you?" "Just say, "oops," and get out!" "Not..." " "Oops!"" " Oops." "I can't abide a peeping Tom." "One in the apartment just opposite my bedroom window." "I swear, that man never takes his field glasses off me, not for a minute." " Feeling better?" " Yes." "Good." "Let's fool around." "Now I'll be the innocent little milkmaid and you be the naughty stable boy." "This milk is so heavy." "I'll never reach the house." "Help me." "Will someone help me?" "Wait!" "We can't play today." "I have too many appointments." "We can't play today?" "Thursday!" "We'll play on Thursday." "We'll play "The Contessa and The Chauffeur."" " The best one!" " Until Thursday then, Contessa mia." "Contessa mia." "No, darling, please, just a little." "Money." "I need money." "All right." "The Contessa and the Chauffeur." "So the Count hired you this morning, Rudolfo?" "Watch the road." "I can't take my eyes off you." "How can I drive when you drive me mad?" " Mad!" " Rudolfo, you dirty pig." "Pull over." "That's enough." "Good." "We'll do the rest on Thursday." "Now, that's a good girl." "I'll get you your purse and your gloves." "Thursday." "Thursday." "Until Thursday, then, you bawdy wench." " Hold me." "Touch me." " Thursday." "And then we'll finish playing the Contessa and Rudolfo?" "First thing on Thursday." "And after that we'll play "The Abduction and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia" and I'll be Lucretia." "And I'll be Rape." "On Thursday." "That's wonderful." "Lucretia, you forgot the checkie." "Can't produce plays without checkie." "I had it with me all the time." "Is it okay?" "I made it out to "cash." You didn't say the play's name." "Fine." "Good." "Thursday." "Good-bye, my powder pigeon." "Bye-bye." " Ta-ta." " Ta-ta." "Good-bye." "He who signs the lease, must pay rent." "That's the law." "Why, you're a thief." "How can you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?" "I have to." "I'm a landlord." "Lord, hear my plea." "Destroy him." " He maketh a blight on the land." " Don't listen to him." "He's crazy." "That hurt." "I must make another call." "Oops?" "Who are you?" "What do you want?" "Why are you loitering in my hallway?" "Speak, dummy!" "Speak!" " Why don't you speak?" " Scared." "Can't talk." "All right." "Get a hold of yourself." "Take a deep breath." "Let it out slowly..." "And tell me, who are you?" "I'm Leo Bloom." "I am an accountant." "I'm from Whitehall and Marx." "I was sent here to do your books, and I'm terribly sorry I caught you with the old lady." ""Caught you with the old lady"?" "Come in, Mr. Tact." " So, you're an accountant?" " Yes, I am." "Then account for yourself!" "Do you believe in God?" "Or gold?" "Why are you looking up old ladies' dresses?" "Bit of a pervert, eh?" "Never mind." "Do the books." "They're over there in that desk." "Top drawer." "I'll take your coat." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "How dare you condemn me without knowing all the facts!" "Mr. Bialystock..." "Shut up!" "I'm having a rhetorical conversation!" "How humiliating." "Max Bialystock." "You know who I used to be?" "Max Bialystock, King of Broadway!" "Six shows running at once!" "Lunch at Delmonico's." "$200 suits." "You see this?" "This once held a pearl as big as your eye!" "Look at me now." "Look at me now!" "I'm wearing a cardboard belt." "I used to have thousands of investors begging pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production." "Look at my investors now." "Voilà." "Hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery." "You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect." "One, two..." "Do the books." "I appreciate that, sir." "Window's so filthy, can't tell whether it's day or night out there." "That's it, baby!" "When you got it, flaunt it!" "Flaunt it!" "Cough." "Cough!" "I assume you're making those cartoon noises to attract my attention." "Am I correct in my assumption, you fish-faced enemy of the people?" "I hurt your feelings." " Good!" "What is it?" " May I speak to you for a minute?" "Go." "You have 58 seconds." " In glancing at your books, I noticed that..." " You have 48 seconds left." "Hurry." " I glanced at your books, I noticed..." " 28 seconds." "You're running out of time." " Tick tock, tick tock..." " Mr. Bialystock I cannot function under these conditions!" "You're making me extremely nervous!" " What is that, a handkerchief?" " What?" "Nothing." "That's nothing." "If it's nothing, why can't I see it?" "My blanket!" "My blue blanket!" "Give me my blue blanket!" "You..." "No!" "You..." "Here." "Don't panic." "I'm sorry." "I don't like people touching my blue blanket." "It's not important." "It's a minor compulsion." "I can deal with it if I want to." "It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby and I find it very comforting." "They come here." "They all come here." " How do they find me?" " May I speak to you?" "Yes, Prince Mishkin." " What can we do for you?" " This is hardly a time for levity." "I've discovered a serious error in the accounts of your last play." " Where?" "What?" "According to the backers list, you raised $60,000." "But the play that you produced only cost $58,000." "That's $2,000 unaccounted for." "I went to a Turkish bath." "Who cares?" "The play was a flop!" " What difference does it make?" " What difference does it make?" "That's fraud!" "If they found out, you could go to prison." "Who's gonna find out?" "It's only $2,000." "Bloom, do me a favor." "Move a few decimal points around." "You're an accountant." "You're in a noble profession." "The word "count" is part of your title." "That's cheating." "It's not cheating." "It's charity." "Bloom, look at me." "Look at me!" "I'm drowning." "Other men sail through life." "Bialystock has struck a reef." "I'm going under." "I'm being sunk by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure." "Bloom, I'm reaching out to you." "Don't send me to prison." "Help!" "Help me, Bloom." "Bloom, help me." "I'll do it!" " Thank you." "I knew I could con you." " That's all right." "What?" "Nothing." "Do it." "Right." "Let's see. $2,000." "$2,000." "That isn't much." "I'm sure I can hide it somewhere." "After all, the Internal Revenue Service isn't interested in a flop." "Yes, right." "Good thinking." "You figure it out." "I'm tired." "I'm gonna take a little nap." "Wake me if there's a fire." "Let's see if we add these we get, 10 four..." "Amazing." "It's absolutely amazing." "Under the right circumstances a producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit." "Yes, it's quite possible." "If he were certain that the show would fail, a man could make a fortune!" "Yes?" " Yes what?" " What you were saying?" "Keep talking." "What was I saying?" "That under the right circumstances a producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit." "Yes, it's quite possible." "You keep saying that, but you don't tell me how." "How can a producer make more money with a flop than he could with a hit?" "It's simply a matter of creative accounting." "Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man." " Assume away." " It's very easy." "You simply raise more money than you really need." "What do you mean?" "You did it yourself, only you did it on a very small scale." "What'd I do?" "You raised $2,000 more than you needed to produce your last play." "So?" "What did it get me?" "I'm wearing a cardboard belt!" "That's where you made your mistake." "You didn't go all the way." "You see, if you were really a bold criminal, you could have raised $1 million." "But the play only cost me $60,000 to produce." "And how long did it run?" " One night." " You see?" "Do you see what I'm trying to say?" "You could have raised $1 million, put on a $60,000 flop and kept the rest." " But what if the play was a hit?" " Then you'd go to jail." "Once the play's a hit, you have to pay the backers and with so many, there could never be enough profits to go around." "Get it?" "So in order for this scheme to work we'd have to find a sure-fire flop." " What scheme?" " "What scheme?"" "Your scheme, you bloody little genius!" "I meant no scheme." "I merely posed a little academic accounting theory." "It was just a thought." "Worlds are turned on such thoughts." "Don't you see, Bloom?" "Darling Bloom." "Glorious Bloom." "It's so simple." "Step one, we find the worst play in the world." "A sure-fire flop." "Step two, I raise $1 million." "There's a lot of old ladies in the world." "Step three, you work on the books phony list of backers for the government." "You can do it, Bloom." "You're a wizard." "Step four, we open on Broadway." "And before you can say "step five," we close on Broadway." "Step six, we take our $1 million, we fly to Rio de Janeiro!" ""Rio" " "Rio by the sea-o"" " Mr. Bialystock, wait a minute." "You're holding me too tight." "I'm an honest man." "You don't understand." "No, you don't understand!" "This is fate!" "This is destiny!" "This is kismet!" "There's no avoiding it." "Not more than five minutes ago, I doctored your books!" "That, sir, is the ultimate extent of my criminal life!" "I want that money!" "I fell on my keys." "You miserable, cowardly, wretched, little caterpillar." "Don't you ever want to become a butterfly?" "Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?" "You're gonna jump on me." "You're gonna jump on me!" "I know you're gonna jump on me!" " Like Nero jumped on Poppaea." " Who?" "Poppaea!" "She was his wife." "She was unfaithful to him so he got mad and jumped on her up and down, up and down until he squashed her like a bug!" " Please don't jump on me!" " I'm not gonna jump on you!" "I'm not gonna jump on you!" " Will you get a hold of yourself?" " Don't touch me!" "I'm not gonna hurt you." "What's the matter with you?" "I'm hysterical!" "I'm having hysterics." "I'm hysterical." "I can't stop when I get like this." "I can't stop." "I'm hysterical." "I'm wet!" "I'm wet!" "I'm hysterical, and I'm wet!" "I'm in pain!" "And I'm wet!" "And I'm still hysterical!" "No, don't hit." "It doesn't help." " It only increases my sense of danger." " What can I do?" " You're getting me hysterical." " Go away." "You frighten me." " Where shall I go?" " Sit over there." "Okay." "Okay." "I'm over here." "This better?" "That's better." "But you still look angry." "How's this?" "Good." "That's good." "That's very nice." "I think I'm coming out of it now." "Yes." "I'm definitely coming out of it." "Thank you for smiling." "That helped a great deal." "You know what they say:" ""Smile and the world smiles with you."" "This man should be in a straitjacket." "Feeling better?" "Much, thank you, but I am a little lightheaded." "Maybe I should eat something." "Hysterical attacks have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar, you know." "They certainly do." "Come." "Let me take you to lunch." "You know, it's very nice of you to take me to lunch, Mr. Bialystock." "Call me Max." "You know I don't let everybody call me Max." " It's only those people I like." " Okay, Max." " And you can call me Leo." " I already have." "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Max, I don't know, Max." "What do you think, Max?" "Leo, it's such a beautiful day why go to a dark, stuffy restaurant?" "Let's dine al fresco." " This is al fresco?" " The finest." "Thank you." "Excellent." "Please tender our compliments to the chef." " Please tender half a buck." " Of course." "Here you are, my good man." "I'm not your good man." "I happen to own this establishment." "Give me the change." "Everybody's a big shot." "Leo, what say we promenade through the park?" "I'd love to, but it's nearly 2:00." "I should get back to Whitehall and Marx." "Nonsense." "As far as Whitehall and Marx is concerned you're working with Max Bialystock, right?" " Right." " Then stick with Bialystock." "Lovely out here, isn't it?" "I wish I could enjoy it." "I'm so nervous." "What if someone from the office should see me?" "Then you'd see them, and why aren't they at the office?" "That's right." "That's it, Leo." "You're learning." "Having a good time?" "I don't know." "I feel so strange." "Maybe you're happy." "That's it." "I'm happy." "What do you know about that?" "I'm happy!" "I'm happy!" "There it is, Bloom." "The most exciting city in the world." "Thrills, adventure, romance." "Everything you ever dreamed of is down there." "Big black limousines." "Gold cigarette cases." "Elegant ladies with long legs." "All you need is money." "Money is honey." "Money is honey." "Leo, he who hesitates is poor." "Don't let me influence you." " It's your decision." " But if we get caught, we'll go to prison." "You think you're not in prison now?" "Living in a gray, little room?" "Going to a gray, little job?" "Leading a gray, little life?" "That's right." "I'm a nothing." "I spend my life counting other people's money." "People I'm smarter than." "Better than." "Where's my share?" "Where's Leo Bloom's share?" "I want..." "I want..." "I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!" "Leo, say you'll join me!" "I'll do it!" "My God, I'll do it!" "I'll do it!" "I'm Leo Bloom!" "I'm me!" "I can do whatever I want!" "It doesn't matter!" "I'm Leo Bloom!" "Max, let's call it a night." "It's 2:00 in the morning." " I don't know what I'm reading anymore." " Read." "We've got to find the worst play ever written." ""Gregor Samsa woke one morning..." ""...to discover that he had been transformed..." ""...into a giant cockroach."" "It's too good." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I've read this play." "I'm reading plays I read this morning." "I can't go on." "It's too much." "Max, let's face it, we'll never find it." ""We'll never find it."" ""We'll never find it."" ""We'll never find it"?" ""Rio" ""Rio by the sea-o" ""Bialystock and Leo" ""Oh, me-o, Oh, my-o"" "Leo..." "Smell it." "See it?" "Touch it." " What is it?" " "What is it?"" "We've struck gold." "Not fool's gold, but real gold." "The mother lode." "The mother of them all." "Kiss it, kiss it." "You found a flop." ""A flop." That's putting it mildly." "We've found a disaster, a catastrophe, an outrage!" " A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty." " Let's see it." "This is freedom from want forever." "This is a house in the country." "This is a Rolls Royce and a Bentley." "This is wine, women, and song and women." ""Springtime for Hitler." ""A gay romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden."" "It's practically a love letter to Hitler." " This won't run a week." " A week?" "Are you kidding?" " This play has got to close on page four." " Who wrote it?" "Who?" "Read, right there, read." " "Franz..." " Franz." " "..." "Liebkind." " Liebkind." " "100..." " 100." " "..." "West..." " West." " "..." "Jane street."" " Jane street." "Franz Liebkind." "100 West Jane Street." " Who do you want?" " I beg your pardon?" "Who do you want?" "No one gets in the building unless I know who they want." "I'm the concierge." "My husband used to be the concierge, but he's dead." "Now I'm the concierge." "We are seeking Franz Liebkind." "The kraut." "He's on the top floor, apartment 23." " Thank you." " Thank you." "But you won't find him there." "He's up on the roof with his birds." "He keeps birds." "Dirty, disgusting, filthy lice-ridden birds." "You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person." "Not anymore." "No, sir." "Birds." " You get my drift?" " We get it." "We get your drift." "Thank you, madam." "I'm not a madam!" "I'm a concierge!" "He's wearing a German helmet." "Don't say anything to offend him." "We need that play." " Franz Liebkind?" " I was never a member of the Nazi party!" "I'm not responsible!" "I only followed orders!" "Who are you?" "Why do you persecute me?" "My papers are in order." "I love my adopted country." "What do you want?" "Relax, Mr. Liebkind." "We're not from the government." " We came here to talk about your play." " My play?" " You mean Springtime for You-know-who?" " Yes." "What about it?" "We love it." "We think it's a masterpiece." "That's why we're here." "We wish to produce it on Broadway." "Broadway." "Oh, joy of joys." "Oh, dream of dreams." "I can't believe it." "I must tell the birds." "Birds!" "Birds, do you hear?" "Otto!" "Berthe!" "Hans!" "Do you hear?" "We are going to clear the Führer's name." "Mr. Liebkind, please." "People can hear." "This is not a place to talk." "Come, we'll go to my flat." "An occasion like this calls for schnapps!" "You know, not many people knew it but the Führer was a terrific dancer." "Really?" "I never dreamed that..." "That is because that you were taken in by that verdammte Allied propaganda!" "Such filthy lies!" "They told lies!" "But nobody ever said a bad word about Winston Churchill, did they?" "No! "Win with Winnie!"" "Churchill!" "With his cigars." "With his brandy." "And his rotten painting, rotten!" "Hitler, there was a painter." "He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon!" "Two coats!" "Churchill." "He couldn't even say "Nazi."" "He would say, "Noses." "Noses."" "It wasn't Noses!" "It was Nazis!" "Churchill!" " Exactly why..." " Let me tell you this!" "And you're hearing this straight from the horse!" "Hitler was better looking than Churchill." "He was a better dresser than Churchill." "He had more hair!" "He told funnier jokes!" "And he could dance the pants off of Churchill!" " Exactly why..." " Churchill!" "Yes." "Churchill!" "That's exactly why we want to produce this play to show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart." "Here, Franz Liebkind, sign here and make your dream a reality." "Here it is!" "Springtime for Hitler, signed, sealed, and delivered." " What's the matter?" " I'm not wearing this armband." "I don't care how big the deal is." "Okay." "Take it off." "Taxi!" "The Blue Gypsy." "Why are we going to the Blue Gypsy?" "We are not going to the Blue Gypsy." "I am going to the Blue Gypsy." "I have a rendezvous with a lady of some means." "You see, my dear Bloom, phase one is complete." "The play is ours." "We are now entering phase two the raising of the money." "In the days to come, you will see very little of me for Max Bialystock is launching himself into little-old-lady land." "Adieu." "Avanti!" "You're incorrigible, Bialy." " Here's to the success of your new play." " Our new play, my love." "Bialy, I'm so sorry." " Did I wet you?" " Think nothing of it, my dear." "A mere trifle." "Did you bring the checkie?" "Yes, I have it right here in my purse." "And I made it out just like you told me." "To "cash."" "That's a funny name for a play." "Think nothing of it, my dear." " Thank you, my dear." " Say it again, Bialy." "And I swear to you on my life, you don't look a day over 65." "There you are." " I love you." " What?" "I love you." "What?" "I love you!" "Go, Bialy-baby, go!" "Who is it?" "It's Max Bialystock." "Good." "I thought it was a burglar." "Wait." "I'll let you in." "Mrs. Sarah Cathcart." "She owns 50 percent of the profits." "Mrs. Virginia Resnick." "She also owns 50 percent of the profits." "Mrs. Eleanor Biddlecomb." "She also owns 50 percent of the profits." "Mrs. Alma Wentworth." "She owns 100 percent of the profits." "Leo, how much percentage of a play can there be altogether?" "You can only sell 100 percent of anything." "And how much of Springtime for Hitler have we sold?" "25,000 percent." "25,000 percent." "Give me that blue thing." "Where are you going?" "We haven't finished signing the contracts." "I have to see that money." "Hello, boys." "If you only knew what I went through for you." " What are you doing?" " I'm gonna buy myself a toy." "I worked very, very hard, and I think I deserve a toy." "A toy?" "A toy." "That's a toy?" "She happens to be our new receptionist." "She goes with our new surroundings." "Ulla." "Ulla." "Ulla, I want you to meet my associate and partner Mr. Leo Bloom." "I beg your pardon?" "Have you gone mad?" "A receptionist that can't speak English?" "What will people say?" "They'll say..." "What is she going to do here?" "I'll show you." "Ulla go to work." "Go to work." "Ulla, okay." "Okay, Ulla." "Cream puff sweetie pie, pussycat, okay." "Ulla!" "Stop work!" "Would you believe it?" "I met her at the public library." "Ulla." "Go to desk." "Answer telephone "Bialystock and Bloom."" "Nice girl." "Bloom." " Take a cigar." " Max, maybe we should both..." " What's that?" " Nothing." "Go on." "Smart as a whip." "No." "No." "You Swedish tease." "You'll bury me." "Leo, what were you saying?" "What?" "Max..." "Maybe we should go a little easier on the spending." " I mean, these offices and all." " Why?" "Take it when you can get it." "Flaunt it, baby!" "Flaunt it!" "But if something should go wrong we could give back some of the money." " I mean, it would look better in court." " Stop talking like that, you white mouse." "Nothing is gonna go wrong." "As a matter of fact, today, I have taken steps to make sure that Springtime for Hitler will be a total disaster." "At 2:00, we have an appointment with none other than Roger de Bris." "Roger de Bris?" "What?" "Oh, the director." "Is he good?" " I mean, is he bad?" " He stinks." "He's perhaps the worst director that ever lived." "He's the only director whose plays close on the first day of rehearsal." " Do you think he'll take the job?" " Only if we ask him." "It's late." "I'll get the car." "Ja?" "Call chauffeur." "Get car." "Good." "We go to motel?" "No." "We go." "You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?" "No." "No motel." "Get car." ""Get car."" ""Get car."" "Thank you, Rudolfo." "Now, don't let anything he says or does upset you." " He's a little peculiar." " What do you mean?" "Yes?" "I am Max Bialystock." "This is my associate, Mr. Bloom." "We have an appointment with Mr. de Bris." "Yes, you are expected." "Please do come in." "How do you do?" "I am Carmen Giya, Monsieur de Bris' private secretary." "Would you please remove your shoes?" "White, white, white is the color of our carpet." "Will you please follow me?" "Please." "We're not alone!" "Please sit down." "Roger?" "Messieurs Bialystock and Bloom, I presume?" "Forgive the pun." " What pun?" " Shut up." "He thinks he's witty." "Good to see you again, Roger." "Did you get a chance to read Springtime for Hitler?" "Remarkable." "Remarkable." "A stunning piece of work." "Max, he's wearing a dress." "No kidding." "I, for one, think it is a very important play." "Do you know, I never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany?" "I mean, it's drenched with historical goodies like that." "Oh, dear." "You're staring at my dress." "I should explain." "I'm going to the choreographer's ball tonight." " There is a prize for the best costume." " And we always win." "I'm not so sure about tonight." "I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie." " What do you think?" " I..." "Now, be cruel." "Be brutal." "Be brutal!" "Because, heaven knows, they will." "Well?" "What do you think, Mr. Bloom?" " Where do you keep your wallet?" " It's gorgeous." "You couldn't have picked a better color." "It brings out your eyes." "Let's face it, Roger, that dress is you." " Do you really think it brings out my eyes?" " We can't tell a thing without your wig." "As far as I'm concerned, you're only half-dressed." "If you're so worried about the wig, get it, O Wicked Witch of the West." "Quick, light his cigarette." " He likes you." " I don't want to..." "Didn't I meet you on a summer cruise?" "I've never been on a summer cruise." "Quel dommage." "I see we're getting acquainted." "How would you like to go back to teasing hair, big mouth?" "Temper, Roger." "Roger, do you mind if we talk a little business?" "Please." "That is what we are here for." "I think this would be a marvelous opportunity for you." "Be careful." "That hurt!" "Up to now, you've always been associated with musicals." "Yes." "Dopey showgirls with gooey gowns." ""Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn!"" "It's enough to make you puke." "Roger." "But now, at last, a chance to do straight drama." "Roger de Bris presents history." "Of course, I think we should add a little music and that whole third act has got to go." "They're losing the war." "It's too depressing." "We shall have to put something in there." " What?" " I see it!" "I see it!" "A line of beautiful girls dressed as storm troopers black patent leather boots, S-M." " Love it." "All marching together!" ""Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn..."" "It will work!" "That is genius!" "Genius!" "I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself when I say you're the only man in the world who can do justice to Springtime for Hitler." "Wait a minute." "This is a very big decision." "It might affect the course of my entire life." "I shall have to think about it." " I'll do it." " Congratulations and thank you." "Get on the phone!" "Send out a casting call!" "Call every agent in town!" "I want to see everybody, everybody!" "Heil!" "This is bedlam!" "We must have some order!" "Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings?" "We are only seeing singing Hitlers." "Arthur Picard." "Hello, Arthur." "Tell us something about yourself." "I was the lead tenor of the Albuquerque Opera Company for the last two seasons." "I just finished the road tour of Lilac Time, and last season I was up for the lead in the Broadway production of The Gypsy Lover." "What happened?" "I didn't get it." "Arthur, what are you going to sing for us?" "I would like to sing A Wandering Minstrel, I." "Very well." "Thank you!" "Next, please!" "Jason Green." "Please." "Jason, and what have you been up to lately?" "For the last 16 years, I have been touring with the USO." " And what are you going to sing for us?" " Have You Ever Heard The German Band?" "No." "That's the name of the song I am going to sing." "You will play it!" "Thank you!" "The Little Wooden Boy." "Thank you!" "Thank you!" " Does that mean that I don't get..." " I'm sorry." "You're sorry?" "Thank you!" "That's it." " Hey, man." " I beg your pardon?" "Is this where they're auditioning Boomerang, baby?" "I'm afraid you wandered into the wrong theater." "Man, not again." "Freak out." "Wait!" "Wait!" "This is Boomerang." "This is Boomerang." " What are you saying?" " Let's hear him." "What have we got to lose?" "All right." "Young man what is your name?" "Man." "My name?" "Lorenzo!" "Lorenzo, baby." "Lorenzo St. Dubois, but my friends call me LSD." " And what have you done, LSD?" " Man, about six months but I'm on probation, and I'm cool, man." " I mean, what do you do best?" " Man, I can't do that here." "That's why they put me away, baby." "Sing, sing." "Thank you." "Thank you so very much." "We're gonna sing." "If I may, I'd like to call on my group." "They kind of help me a little." "Group!" "Come on, fellas." "I would like to, sing this song." "It's about love..." "And hate." "Psychedelically speaking, I am talking about "the power."" ""Love power" ""I'm talkin' 'bout" ""Love power" ""The power of a sweet flower" ""Is gonna rule the earth" ""And there'll be a great rebirth" ""Love is the flower that is mine" ""When I'm walkin' with my darlin'" ""And we're holdin' hands" ""And life is fine" ""'cause she understands" ""Walkin' down the sunny street" ""Givin' pretty flowers" ""To the people that we meet" ""And I give a flower to the big, fat cop" ""He takes his club, and he beats me up" ""I give a flower to the garbage man" ""He stuffs my girl in the garbage can" ""And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round" ""He throws it in a toilet" ""And he flush it down" ""It goes into the sewer" ""With the yuck runnin' through her" ""And it runs into the river that we drink" ""World, you stink" ""Man" ""It's later than you think" ""So you got just one more chance" ""Come on, baby, while I dance" ""Love, love power" ""I'm talkin' 'bout" ""Love power" ""The power of a little flower" ""You don't think about those little flowers" ""No." "All you think about is guns" ""If everybody in the world today" ""Had a flower instead of a gun" ""There would be no wars" ""There would be one big smell-in" ""Just a flower!"" "Man my flower." "What'd you do to my flower, man?" "You hurt it." "Like everything else." "Everything else." "No flower." "That's our Hitler!" "Your Highness." "There's the Times' drama critic." "Watch closely as Max Bialystock puts the last nail into the coffin." "Good evening." "Good evening, sir." "Always delighted to greet the gentlemen of the press." "Here you are, sir." "Two on the aisle, compliments of the management." "Wait..." "Wait a moment." "There seems to be some mistake." "There's a $100-bill wrapped around these tickets." "That's no mistake." "Enjoy the show." "Mr. Bialystock, just what do you think you're doing?" "I'm bribing you." "Just play ball, there's a lot more where that came from." "Keep this buttoned." "Straight!" "Up!" "Up!" "Always up!" "Gentlemen, it is magic time." "Good luck." "Good luck." "Tonight, Broadway, tomorrow..." "So much for Nazi failure." "He'll kill us." "Max, come on, the overture's started." "Max..." "This is it!" "Sorry." "I'm a little nervous." "Relax." "In two hours, our worries will be over." ""Germany was having trouble" ""What a sad, sad story" ""Needed a new leader" ""To restore its former glory" ""Where, where was he?" ""Where could that man be?" ""We looked around and then we found" ""The man for you and me" ""And now it's..." ""Springtime for Hitler" ""And Germany" ""Deutschland is happy and gay" ""We're marching to a faster pace" ""Look out, here comes" ""The master race" ""Springtime for Hitler" ""And Germany" ""Winter for Poland and France" ""Springtime for Hitler" ""And Germany" ""Come on, Germans" ""Go into your dance" ""I was born in Düsseldorf" ""And that is why they call me Rolf"" ""Don't be stupid, be a smarty" ""Come and join the Nazi party!"" ""Springtime for Hitler" ""And Germany" ""Goose step's" ""The new step today" ""Bombs falling" ""From the skies again" ""Deutschland is on the rise again" ""Springtime for Hitler" ""And Germany" ""U-boats are sailing" ""Once more" "Well!" "Talk about bad taste!" ""Springtime for Hitler" ""And Germany" ""Means that" ""Soon we'll be going" ""We've got to be going" ""You know we'll be going" ""To war"" "Let us repair to the bar across the street." "We don't want to be here during intermission." "They'll stone us to death." ""Man..." ""I lieb you." "I lieb you, baby." "I lieb you!" ""Now lieb me alone."" "Harry, he's funny." " Come on!" " Come on!" ""If you need me so much..." ""...why don't you pay attention to me..." ""...you big dictator?"" ""You chicks!" ""You chicks!" "You all alike!" ""All you think about is..." ""..." "lieben, lieben, lieben, lieben!" ""Don't you forget, baby, I took an oath." ""Deutschland über alles!"" ""So, cool it, while I map out my campaign."" ""Gonna crush Poland" ""And I'm gonna take over France" ""Sieg heil, sieg heil!"" ""Then we're gonna take over Poland" ""And then I'm a-gonna crush France" ""Baby, don't you know, mama" ""Then I'm gonna cross that English Channel" ""And then I'm gonna kick them cats" ""In the pants, pow!"" "Did you see the look on that woman's face?" "When the guy started to sing..." ""Springtime" ""For Hitler" ""And Germany"" "Here's to the one and only performance of Springtime for Hitler." "May it rest in peace." "Innkeeper!" "Innkeeper!" "Another round of drinks here." "As a matter of fact a round of drinks for everybody in the place." "Just think yesterday, I was a meaningless little accountant and today I'm the producer of a Broadway flop!" "Here's to failure." " To failure." " Thank you." "It's very kind of you." ""Bitte schön, mein Führer."" ""Man, you're a German!"" ""We're all Germans!"" ""That's right!" ""That means we cannot attack Germany."" ""I mean, I got all my friends here, you know?" ""And what about me?" ""And then there's the country club..." ""...and the laughs every night." ""We got to do something." ""I got it!" ""I've got it!"" ""What have you got?"" ""A medal." "It fell down my pants, man." ""Get it out, baby." ""Danke schön, baby."" ""Baby."" ""Baby."" "Why does he say this "baby"?" "The Führer has never said "baby." I did not write "baby."" "What is it with this "baby"?" "Will you please shut up?" "You shut up." "You are the audience." "I am the author." "I outrank you!" "It's intermission!" "Quick!" "Hide your faces." "They'll tear us to pieces." " Give us a couple of Manhattans." " I'll have a Manhattan." " Here you go, Frank." " You getting it?" "Okay." "Two whiskey sours, please." "So far, that's about one of the funniest things I've ever seen on Broadway." " I never laughed so much in my life." " Absolutely hysterical!" "I thought I'd split my sides!" "Take it easy." "Don't panic." "There are a lot of plays on this street." "They aren't necessarily talking about Springtime for Hitler." "Would you ever believe you'd love a show called Springtime for Hitler?" "Come on, let's get back!" "If the second act is like the first, this'll run for five years!" ""Springtime for Hitler" ""And Germany"" "Gotta think." "Gotta think." "Mrs. Cathcart, 50 percent." "Mrs. Resnick, 50 percent." "Gotta think." "Mrs. Biddlecomb, 50 percent." "Mrs. Wentworth, 100 percent." " Leo." " No way out." " Leo." " No way..." "Leo." "No way..." "Listen, let's go to the theater and see what's really happening." "After all, we only heard from a small portion of the audience." "Let's hear what the majority thinks." " The majority?" " The majority." "Let's hear from the majority." " Where's the majority?" " Majority." " Let's hear the majority." " The majority." " See the majority?" "Where's the majority?" " The majority." ""One and one is two" ""Two and two is four" ""I feel so bad 'cause I'm losing the war"" "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "The play here is in progress!" "You must be quiet!" "Swine!" ""Man, we're losing everything!" "Everything!" ""Where's my Goebbels?" ""Get me my little Joe!"" ""Send for Goebbels!"" " "Send for Goebbels!" - "Send for Goebbels!"" " "Send for Goebbels!" - "Send for Goebbels!"" ""Heil, baby!"" ""Baby!" "What's happening?"" ""I just laid the morning propaganda programs on the people."" ""You're putting me on!" "What did they say?"" ""I told the people we invaded England!"" ""That's a groove, daddy!" "How did we come out?"" ""We beat 'em, baby!"" ""Groovy!" "That's my Joe!" "That's my little Joe." ""I love my little Joe." ""Joseph..." ""...you are smoking in the presence of the Führer."" ""I'm sorry, big daddy."" ""They try." ""Man, how they try."" "Ja!" " What can I do for you?" " You will please be unconscious." "This is an outrage." "It must stop." "It makes me so mad what they do." "Curtain must go down!" "Down!" "What's happening?" "I am the author of this play!" "You are the victims of a hoax!" "These are not my words!" "The Führer has never said this "baby"!" "The Führer was sweet!" "The Führer was kind!" "The Führer was good!" "He loved me!" "Often, he would say to me:" ""Franz..."" "Boo-boo?" "Boo-boo?" " Yeah?" " We make love?" "No." "We don't make love." "Go to work." ""Congratulations." ""It's the biggest hit on Broadway."" ""Congratulations." ""Hitler will run forever."" ""Congratulations."" "Congratulations!" "Have you seen the lines at the box office?" "It's a torrent!" "It's an avalanche!" "It's the biggest hit on Broadway!" "You lousy fruit!" "You ruined me!" "You're crazy!" "He's gonna kill me!" "Call the police!" "Help!" "Murder!" "Rape!" "Don't let anybody in." "Got to think." "I got to think." "How could this happen?" "I was so careful." "I picked the wrong play the wrong director, the wrong cast." "Where did I go right?" "What are you doing?" "Don't try to stop me." "I've made up my mind." " What are you doing with the books?" " I'm turning myself in." "It's the only way." "I'll cooperate with the police." "They'll reduce my sentence, time off for good behavior." "Maybe I'll get a job in the prison library." "So long." "Leo!" "Take it easy." "Relax." "You're overwrought." "You don't know what you're doing." "You're acting out of panic." "Give me those books!" " I never should have listened to you!" " I never should have listened to you!" " How I hate you!" " Double, double, double!" "Fat!" "Fat!" "You fatty!" "Give me those books, you fat walrus!" " Never!" " Give 'em quick!" " You fat fatty, give me those fat books!" " No!" "You have broken the sacred oath!" "You must die!" "This is not good here." "I am not killing you." "Don't you understand?" "You must die." "Will you cooperate?" " Come in!" " Come in!" "I hear noise." "You call?" "Where are..." "Boo!" "I see you." "You like something?" "Coffee?" "Coffee." "Yes!" "Good idea." "Ask the gentleman with the gun the gentleman who is shooting at us and trying to kill us what he will have." "You like coffee?" "Kaffee?" "Ja." "Black, two sugars." "Two regular, one black, two sugar." " Champagne?" " No, thanks." "I have just ordered Kaffee." "Are you coming out from behind this desk or not?" " Not!" " Cowards!" "Miserable, cringing cowards!" "Clinging to life!" "Watch!" "Watch and remember!" "Franz Liebkind will show you how to die like a man!" "Please, sing." "Soon I will be with mein Führer." "And Göring!" "And Goebbels!" "And Himmler!" "I'm coming, boys!" "Boy, when things go wrong..." "Wasted a whole day playing hide-and-seek with a crazy kraut!" " There, there." " Where?" "Where?" "You crazy lunatic, what are you shooting at us for?" "Why don't you use this where it'll do some good?" "Why don't you shoot at the actors?" "Franz..." "Have I ever steered you wrong?" " Always." " Never mind." "Listen." "Every night, people are laughing at your beloved Führer." "Why?" "It is that LSD." "Und his verdammte "babies"!" "Here!" "Buy bullets." "Go." "Kill." " Kill the actors." " What?" " Shut up!" " The actors." "I must destroy the actors." "Stop!" "This is insanity!" "Have you lost your mind?" "How can you kill the actors?" "What do you mean?" "Actors are not animals." "They're human beings." "They are?" "Have you ever eaten with one?" "Go!" "Go, kill!" "Forward!" " No!" " Make up your minds!" "What are you doing?" "We're trapped!" "It's either the show or us!" "There's no way out!" "What can we do, blow up the theater?" "Dynamite." "Dynamite." " Fuse." " Fuse." "And now for the master connection." "Don't shoot!" "It's the dynamite." "If you shoot it, it will get mad at us and blow us all up." "That is good thinking." "I will put this dynamite back." "Good." "Next time I produce a play, no author." " Max?" " What is it?" " Max?" " What?" "Remember yesterday in the office when we were fighting?" "So?" "I'm sorry I called you "fat, fat, fat."" "Gentlemen." "We have here a technical problem." "I do not know whether this little devil here is the quick fuse or the slow fuse." "I must find this out." "This is critical." "Ja, ja." "You see this?" "You see this?" "Hear what I have told you?" "Ja." "This is an example of smartness here." "I have said that this is the quick fuse, and this is the quick fuse." "The quick fuse!" "Has the jury reached a verdict?" " We have, your honor." " How does the jury find?" "We find the defendants incredibly guilty." "Do the defendants have anything to say in their behalf before the court pronounces sentence?" "I would like to say something, your honor." "Not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock." "Proceed." "Your honor..." "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury..." "Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life." "Don't help me." "Not only is he a liar and a cheat and a scoundrel and a crook who has taken money from little old ladies but he's also talked people into doing things especially me that they would never in a thousand years have dreamed of doing." "But, your honor as I understand it the law was created to protect people from being wronged." "Your honor whom has Max Bialystock wronged?" "I mean whom has he really hurt?" "Not me." "Not me." "I was..." "This man..." "No one ever called me Leo before." "I know it's not a big legal point but even in kindergarten, they used to call me Bloom." "I never sang a song before." "I mean with someone else." "I never sang a song with someone else before." "This man..." "This man..." "This is a wonderful man." "He made me what I am today." "He did." "And what of the dear ladies?" "What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock?" "Max Bialystock who made them feel young and attractive and wanted again?" "That's all that I have to say." "Order." "Order." "And may I humbly add, your honor, that we've learned our lesson and that we'll never do it again." ""Prisoners of love" ""Blue skies above" ""Can't keep our hearts in jail"" "No!" "Now, come on, guys, let's put a little life in it." ""Prisoners of love" ""Blue skies above" ""Can't keep our hearts in jail" ""Prisoners of love..."" "You now own 20 percent of Prisoners of Love." "Congratulations." "Yes, sir?" "You now own 30 percent of Prisoners of Love." "Congratulations." "Yes, sir?" "The warden would like to make a little investment in your production." "Tell him he owns 50 percent of the show." " Thanks!" " My pleasure." "From the top, Franz, once more." ""Prisoners of love" ""Blue skies above" ""Can't keep our hearts in jail" "Sing it out, men!" ""Prisoners of love" "Higher, you animals, higher!" "We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!" ""You can lock us up" ""And lose the key" ""But hearts in love are always free" ""Prisoners of love" ""Blue skies above" ""'cause we're still prisoners of love" ""You can lock us up and lose the key" ""But hearts in love" ""Will always be" ""Prisoners of love" ""Blue skies above" ""'cause we're still prisoners" ""We're still prisoners" ""We're still prisoners of love""