"Doctor." "Charles." " You're looking splendid." " I feel splendid." "you're feeling better and better." "won't you sit here?" "Wouldn't you like me to..." "Not unless you want to." "No?" "I'll be quite comfortable here." "Thank you." "I'm surprised." "of course." "You quit." "Three months ago." "There was a time when your forgetfulness would have made me feel very rejected." "perhaps." " Did you do it intentionally?" " Why should I do that? your reputation on the line." "perhaps?" "an obvious trick like that would have sent you into a towering rage." "And poor old Clouseau would have silently and passively submitted to another massacre." "It's a miracle you were able to keep putting him back together again." "Poor old Clouseau." "There was a time when I couldn't even speak his name." "There was also a time when you would joyfully have killed him." "Yes." "wasn't I?" "haven't we?" "And you're not even a little bothered when you think of Clouseau?" "Not even a little bit." " Do you believe me?" " If you say so." "I could be lying." "but I may be a better liar." "I hope you're not." "you'd run into Clouseau and then back here for life." "No more chance of another hearing. and knowing that on certain mornings you'll be particularly morose and testy because you've had another fight with your wife... like this morning." " How do you know that?" " It's the only time you doodle." "I keep forgetting you used to be Chief Inspector of the Sûreté." "And will be again." "But Clouseau is Chief Inspector now." "Till the better man comes along." "I think Inspector Clouseau had better start looking to his laurels." "What?" "You mean..." "The board meets at 2:00 this afternoon." "This afternoon?" "you'll be out of here this afternoon." " Thank you." " See you at 2:00." "Clouseau!" "Doctor." "Some people would consider your methods most unorthodox." "I was just making sure you're not a better liar than I am a psychiatrist." "2:00." "Come along." "Good." "How." "Help!" "Grab hold of this." "Pull." "Pull on this." "Help!" "in with the good." "in with the good." "in." "out." "the kiss of life." "Pervert!" "Dirty old men!" "Clouseau." "there is no need to thank me." " Thank you?" " For saving your life." "Someone..." "I was hit on the head." "you have received a "beump" on the head." " "Beump"?" " What?" "I know that." "It is a large bump." "You could receive a concussion from such a bump." " Allow me to assist you." " No!" "I'm all right." "I'm fine." "Never better." "Just a little shaky." "Probably the shock of... the surprise of seeing you here again today." "I received a report from the Sanity Commission so I thought a few words from me on your behalf... but... you know." "I know that." "I have become a rather important official in the department." "I've heard you are the new Chief Inspector." "Yes." "we made quite a few changes since you went crazy." "I'm sure." "Sergeant Chevalier sends you his kind regards." "Sergeant Chevalier." "anyway? no?" "yes." "huh?" "Always a leader?" "Onwards and upwards to the top?" " It is my karma." " What?" "yes." "a few more years on the force and I might even be persuaded to run for public office." "You can count on my vote." "can count on me to do everything in my power to get you out of this place." "yes." "I know how you feel." "My hat." "Well... former Chief Inspector?" "Yes!" "I'm perfectly all right." "See?" "and I will have you extracted." "I'm fine." "I am perfect." "I'm getting better and better." "Somewhere over the rainbow... my friend." "But it is my day." "my friend." "it is at last my day." "I will not permit..." "repeat... not permit anything... repeat... anything..." "to spoil it. and I will kiss you good-bye... and you will drive off in your new car... which should rightfully be mine... and then I will have my interview with the Sanity Commission." "and then..." "I will kill you." " Kill you!" " Francois!" "Start the car!" "Kill!" "I'll kill him!" "I'll kill him!" "I want to kill him!" "I've got to kill him." "Allow me." "Cato?" "Cato?" "Forty winks." "It's the phone." "The phone is ringing." "Relax." "I'll get it." "This is Chief Inspector Clouseau's residence." "This is Chief Inspector Clouseau speaking on the phone." "put him on." "Commissioner." "How are you?" "How is Madame and all the little commissioners?" "I see." "you can rest assured that I shall take every precaution that is necessary." "and good evening." "I have just received word that former Chief Inspector Dreyfus has escaped from the insane asylum. the Deputy Commissioner thinks that he might try to kill me." "the poor man is crazier than anyone gives him credit for." "I am ordered to take every precaution." "See that the back door and front door are locked while I slip into my new hunchback disguise." "Both doors are locked now." "Who are you?" "What have you done with Inspector Clouseau?" "Chief Inspector Clouseau." "didn't I?" "that is fantastic. wait till you see the full effect with the hump." "The bells!" "The bells!" "They deafen me!" "Chief Inspector Clouseau?" "this is Chief Inspector Clouseau." "Who is speaking?" "My name is Duval." "Claude Duval." "I have the honor to be chairman of the Jacques Clouseau Presentation Committee." "The presentation committee?" "For me?" "may I ask?" "For what purpose?" you ask." "How modest of you." "is to honor and selfless public servants." "monsieur." "Most. why recognition was not forthcoming earlier." "Absolutely right. and not as much as a single decoration in all that time." "that is quite correct." "I have recently received an important promotion." "Really?" "I have replaced the lunatic Dreyfus as Chief Inspector." "I know." "I'm sure Paris sleeps more safely because of the change." "You are very kind." "I'm always on my toes." "Chief Inspector." "please." "Can't you see that I'm on the phone?" "Commissioner." "there was sufficient air still left in my hump to keep me afloat until the rescue." "Commissioner." "Good-bye." "That was the commissioner." "He was most concerned." "you know." "I know." "Poor Cato will be in the hospital for weeks." "Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?" "The exploding kind. and this mad bomber must be apprehended at all costs." "Make sure you issue an all-points bulletin immediately." "sir." " What about my clothes?" "Sergeant Chauvin is rounding some up for you." "perhaps you would sign the order to transport Jean Tournier to prison." "the bank robber?" "I shall be happy to sign that order." "Tournier." "At last we are rid of you." "I have to go to the toilet." "All right." "Thank you." "Tournier!" "that's long enough." "this is my plan." "Step number one..." "I will recruit the world's greatest criminal minds." "Step number two... the Cosa Nostra will seem like the Vienna Boys' Choir." " Here is the list." " But half of these men are in prison." " We'll get them out." " Impossible." "I'll bet you 20 million francs it isn't." "Where would I get 20 million francs?" "I thought you'd ask that. you and six men will enter the main branch of the Paris Credit Bank. three men dressed in building maintenance uniforms entered and robbed the Paris Credit Bank." "The leader has been identified as Jean Tournier." "How much did they get?" "Millions." "Here's the report." "Francois." "Thank you." "Twenty million francs." "the next step." "Hugo Fassbender and his daughter have been kidnapped." " Professor Fassbender?" " Paris has a theory." "a Chief Inspector Clouseau." "12:38 p.m." "Yes?" "Who are you?" "sir." " And what is it you do?" "yes." "Can you tell me where you were on the night of the kidnapping?" "sir." " Asleep in your room." " Can you prove that?" " No." "Sergeant Yard." "Tell the staff to assemble in the drawing room." "I will interview them in a few moments." " What was your name again?" " Jarvis." "that's right." "Perhaps you'll be kind enough to show me around the house." "sir." "I suggest we start with the upstairs." "I know that." "This is a door." "that is a door." "sir." "Obviously." "Stay where you are." "I prefer to handle this alone." "Is there anybody hiding there in the dark?" "you know?" "which switch did you use to turn on the lights?" "sir." "Strange." "It didn't work for me." "Yes." "this would be the gymnasium room." "sir." " Yes." "It is a good room." "Yes." "This reminds me of my younger days at the Sûreté Police Academy." "The parallel bars... my specialty." "yes." "I was known as the Pavlova of the parallels." "yes." "it's all coming back now." "I remember... that felt good!" "I expect you're all wondering why I asked you here." "It's obvious that the knight that wore that suit did not last very long." "I know." "Now..." "Yes." "As I was saying..." "You were saying you supposed we were wondering why you called us." "There is no need for you to speak unless I ask you a question." "the gardener." " What is it you do?" " I'm the gardener." "Why didn't you say that in the first place?" "I did." "monsieur. and everyone in this "reum" is under the suspicions." " "Reum"?" " What?" "What was that?" "I know that." "And there is a very good chance that someone in this room knows more about the murder than he is telling." " Murder?" " What was that you said?" " I said "murder."" " What murder?" "I don't know." "You said "murder." "I said "murder"?" "You said "murder"!" "I said "murder" because you said "murder"!" "I said "murder"?" "You said there was someone in this room who knew more about the murder than he's telling." "Now listen..." " What was your name?" " Shork." " The cook." " Gardener." "Now we are getting somewhere." "You... dear!" "Mr. Stutterstutt?" " Who is this man?" " He's Mr. Stutterstutt." "Mr. Stuckerstuff?" "He's the beekeeper." "I'm not asking you." "I'm asking Mr. Stuffsucker." "What's that?" "What is he saying to you?" "He says he's got a bit of a cold and he's lost his voice. and a witness to murder." "yes." "It is obvious to my trained eye that there is much more going on here than meets the ear." "I suggest you count your bees." "You may find that one of them is missing." "You ruined that piano!" "What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that has been committed here?" "But that's a priceless Steinway!" "Not anymore." "What is your name?" "Mrs. Leverlilly." "I would take a shrewd guess right?" "I have been with Professor Fassbender for 30 years." "That would account for your exaggerated hysteria over a simple blemish on the furniture." "Blemish?" "Whatever has happened to the piano can easily be repaired." "What has happened to Professor Fassbender and his daughter is another matter." "And it is my job to bring the guilty party or parties to their justice." "what do we know?" "One..." "That Professor Fassbender and his daughter have been kidnapped." "Two..." "That someone has kidnapped them." "Three..." "That my hand is on fire." "what's going on?" "sir." "Inspector Clouseau has been interrogating the staff." "Superintendent Quinlan." "Inspector." "Superintendent." "Why don't you just tell Potters that he's incompetent and request that he be taken off the case?" "Because... we've got enough trouble with France... without suggesting that their greatest detective is a fool." "Steady." "Where is he now?" "He is shadowing the Fassbender farm." "sailor." " Yes?" " Who are you?" "Chuck." "Who are you?" "What's that?" "I am Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the Sûreté." " How exciting." " I think I will take a look around." "You'll have to make use of the bar first or take a table." "The show starts in a couple of minutes." "Jock." " Jacques." " Jack? it is my profound pleasure to introduce the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis!" "What's a queen" "Without a castle?" "You're right..." "No queen at all" "And you'd be right again to say" "The winter's day" "Is cold" "Till you come" "Until you love me" "I always will be wanting" "This need I need" "Can come from only you" "Until you love me" "I'll live a life of longing" "For that's the next best thing I can do..." "No way of knowing" "Which way your heart is going to go" "I don't think you know" "Take as long as it takes your love" "To grow" "Until you love me" "Not one dream can come true" "In all my dreams" "There is a place for you" "And so I'll keep those dreams" "Until you love me" "Too and tonight you are... before you get..." "I must warn you." "You had better watch your step." "Bruno." "the inspector was just warning me that I had to watch my step." "he's known as king of the tango." " Tango?" " I'd love to." " The kidnappers are here." " Kidnappers?" "Okay." "Let's go." "Want to call Paris now?" "Look at it this way." "It can't possibly get any worse." "Professor Fassbender!" "What an honor to have you and your charming daughter as my guests." "indeed." "Come." "Sit down." "Let us just say for the moment that I'm your host and that I will do everything in my power to make your stay at Mondschein Castle as pleasant as possible. that you reciprocate by giving me something that I very much want." "And that would be? particularly the vortices of electromagnetic aberrations." "I see. or do you expect to sell my discovery to the highest bidder?" "Professor." "Nothing so mundane." "Professor." "We're going to build the Doomsday Machine and conquer the world." "Have a sweet." "You're mad." "Mad?" "On the contrary." "I've been getting better and better." "Mad?" "Was Hannibal mad?" "Or Alexander?" "Surely Napoleon was the maddest of them all." "Mad?" "Professor." " I shall tell you nothing." " I think you will." "I'll die first." "Show Miss Fassbender to the school room." "Daddy?" "What are you going to do? your father will have no choice but to cooperate." "No!" "All right." "I'll tell you anything." "The Wolverines have to score." "I'm sure Green will come out throwing." "He's got to get that ball down deep into Navy territory." "throws it... team!" "Let's go!" "Throw is complete to Rhodes!" "He's inside the 15!" "He's to the 20!" "The clock is running down." "Can the Wolverines do it?" " What happened?" " Where's the game?" " Who is that?" " Hello there." "call the FCC." "Hold it!" "He's saying something." "calm down." "hell!" "This is an... emergency." "Did Michigan score?" "let's hear what the fellow has to say." "It is little enough to ask... the life of one man against a holocaust that could destroy the globe." "What the hell's he talking about?" "Quiet." "give me Clouseau." "And we can all sleep secure in our beds." "What's a Clouseau?" "I shall give the world a demonstration of the awesome power I hold." "the United Nations building... will vanish from the face of the earth." "The gun goes off." "The game is over." "and the Pentagon." "Find out who won the game!" "That's a photograph taken by an American news photographer while the broadcast was in progress. former Chief Inspector of the Sûreté." "You're joking." "And more recently an inmate at the state facility for the criminally insane." "Until he escaped." "Here's a text of his speech." "He obviously controls equipment sophisticated enough to pirate a satellite." "and we can all sleep secure in our beds." "Thought that might interest you." "One crazy chief inspector talking about another crazy chief inspector." "What does he mean?" ""Give me Clouseau." "Listen to this. " Little enough to ask the life of one man against a holocaust that could destroy the globe." "You missed the best bit." "He also threatens to make the U.N. Building disappear." " Operation Looking Glass?" " Fassbender." "Give me Lovell." "Home office." " Where's Clouseau?" " I have no idea. the incomparable Ainsley Jarvis." "Monsieur Jarvis?" "Monsieur Jarvis?" "yes. he was still able to break the kidnapper's neck." "he had a lovely voice." "I meant pity the kidnapper's dead." "We might have got something out of him." " I did get something out of him." " What?" "What's that?" " A "cleu." - "Cleu"?" " What?" " You said a "cleu." "Yes." "A brochure clue... advertising the Oktoberfest in Munich." "It begins the day after tomorrow. perhaps to meet someone?" "Yes." "Perhaps to meet... the lunatic Dreyfus. now archenemies." "You'll need help." "I prefer to do this alone. he probably has an army behind him." "but nothing worthwhile ever is." "That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded." "the greater the challenge." "I accept the challenge." "I am off to Munich." "Most ingenious." "The old closet ploy." "I must congratulate you." "it's a good closet ploy." "until we meet again and the case is solved." "The case is solved!" "Four minutes." "We're gonna look like a bunch of Dipsy Doodles if this turns out to be a hoax." "we would look very foolish if we didn't take every precaution and it turned out not to be a hoax." "Dr. Fassbender and operation Looking Glass" "Mr. Secretary." "God." "A weapon like that in the hands of a crazy Frenchman." "You are certain?" "You can do it?" "yes." "the dreams I had." "All the terrible things I was going to do to that child if you failed." " I've done everything you asked." " Not yet. then you will have done everything I asked." "What do you suppose they will call the crater?" "The Dreyfus Ditch!" " There should be no crater." " No crater?" "twisted metal." "Something the world will not forget." " They will not forget today." " They won't?" "Wonderful." "I have to tinkle." "Don't do anything till I get back." "Too late." "The countdown's started." "One minute." "Thirty seconds." "six... four... one!" "Ignition!" "Today... the U.N. Building." "who knows?" "I think by now the nations of the world are aware of the awesome power which I control..." "I could wipe out an entire city." "what is the life of a man compared to the destruction of a whole city?" "I give you seven days." "Seven days." "Okay." "Well done." "now we wait." "All this to get one cop?" "But we have some of the finest hit men here in Europe in this very room." "Why don't we take care of it ourselves?" "Because you wouldn't stand a chance." "Come on." " You don't know Clouseau." " He can't be that good." "Good?" "He's not good." "He's terrible." "He's the worst." "There is not any man like him any where in the world." "this Doomsday Machine is... is just a water pistol." "That's why it will take all the great nations... with all their trained assassins..." "to eliminate Clouseau." "please." " What are you doing?" " That's my case." "I am in a hurry." "Otherwise you would have been arrested. nobody wants to have anybody else get the credit for it." "It's a matter of national pride." "that we simply cannot afford to allow any other country to get hold of Fassbender's machine." "anyone who has gone to the lengths that Dreyfus has gone it's reasonable to assume that Dreyfus will smile very kindly on the one who eliminates Inspector Clouseau." "I think that's pretty far-fetched." "if I told you one week ago that the U.N. Building would disappear and that a certified lunatic would blackmail the entire..." "You made your point." "What do we do?" "Clouseau is in Munich." "I ordered one of our top people to Munich yesterday." "just in case." "He's just reported in." "Clouseau has gone to the Oktoberfest." "I wonder if we have enough time before the others act." "Germany's already acted and bungled it. and they're all converging on the Oktoberfest." "it will be like a shooting gallery." "Try one of my pretzels." "They're good." "What are you doing to this poor motherless child?" "You great big bully." "little boy." "Sir." " I better call the President." " You know what time it is?" "He wants me to call." "Coach." "What's the score?" "Yes?" "It's okay." "How many?" "Mr. President." "Holy cow." "No wonder Dreyfus wants that Clouseau killed." "He's a one-man army." "Who's left?" "Just the Russian and the Egyptian." "please." "please." "Inspector Clouseau." "and I just happened to be in the neighborhood." "I hope you don't mind." "You Frenchmen are so romantic." "Thank heaven" "For little girls..." "Swine maid." "darling." "I've just washed my hands." "They must have been freezing." "Freezing?" "Yes." "Something wrong?" "no." "What could be wrong?" "Then come back to bed." "of course." "you know." "And take off those so-silly pajamas." "You may rest assured you will never see these so-silly pajamas again." "That I can assure you." "Darling?" "I won't be a moment... darling." "darling." "I'm just going to take a bath." "A bath?" "Excuse me." "Yes." "this is Chief Inspector Clouseau." "There is a beautiful woman in my bed and a dead man in my bath." "I want to take one with you." "it's freezing out here." "Let me in." "Madame..." "I arrest you for the murder of the man in this bathtub." "What?" "And I must warn you that anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against me... you." "Who is he?" "I don't know." "He looks familiar." " He looks like you." " Like me?" "the bank robber." "What is he doing in your bathtub dressed up like you?" "It is a question I could very easily ask you." "But he has been shot... and I do not carry a gun." "no." "I am Olga Berriossiva." "I was a loyal Russian agent under direct order from the presidium to kill you." "To kill me?" "I was considered a perfect liquidator because no man had ever been able to involve me emotionally... until tonight." "Do you think that you could fall in love with an ex-Russian agent? yes." "But you are not the same." "of course..." "Dead men in bathtubs have been known you know. who it is my sworn duty to apprehend. given up everything for you." "With me... it is the duty that comes first." "Make an exception just this once." "I wish that I could." "You can." "I guarantee it." "you see..." " Look!" " What?" "That tattoo." "he did not have that tattoo." " It looks like the Mondschein crest." " Mondschein?" "What is that?" "An infamous family who ruled Bavaria in the 15th century." "I read somewhere that the Mondschein Castle had recently been sold." "You read somewhere that they had sold the castle?" "just like that." "The castle!" "Yes." "Dreyfus." "He is in the castle." "Farewell." "I am off to Mondschein Castle." "Must be getting a cavity." "When can my daughter and I leave?" "perhaps." "I have done everything you asked. but I have not asked everything." "What you mean is you have no intention of letting us go. whether Clouseau is eliminated or not." "I must admit the thought had occurred to me." "Professor." "Redundant and fallacious." "Madness does not preclude achievement." "You cannot operate the machine without me." "but when you have taught me." "And if I refuse to teach you?" "I would have to take the matter up with your charming daughter." " What kind of a man are you?" " A madman." " You said so yourself." " Boss!" "It's true." "in his hotel room." "He's dead!" "He's dead in his hotel bedroom!" "Hurray!" "I'm free!" "Professor." "I'm so..." "Good day. medieval castle authority from Marseilles." "do you have a "reum"?" "I do not know what a "reum" is." "A room!" "you idiot." "Room." "Does your dog bite?" "No." "Nice doggy." "I thought you said your dog does not bite." "That is not my dog." "Swine moat." "boss?" "I can't stand it any longer." "Get me a dentist!" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "but he has gone fishing." "I don't know." "I will tell him." "Did I hear you say a doctor lives here?" "a dentist." "He made my teeth for me." "They want him up at the castle." "Up at the castle?" "Where can I find him?" "Dr. Shurtz has gone fishing." " He probably won't be back until..." " Show me his zimmer." "His "reum"!" "Hello!" "you know." "sir." " Dr. Shurtz is here." " Where?" "Doctor." "Please hurry." "I am in agony." "All will be well soon." " Did you hurt yourself?" " Yes." "The burn." "I can set it later." "I will need some hot water and towels." "and lock the door." "Harry." "you know." "hurry." "I can't stand the pain." "let me see." "What?" " My eye." " I thought it was your tooth." "But it is my tooth!" "I wish you would make your mind up." "I don't normally make castle calls in the middle of the night." "Doctor." "Wait while I... that's..." "There it is." "please." "let me see." "Tell me when this hurts." "Is it that one?" "Is it that one?" "Is it that one?" "there is the naughty one." " Are you going to pull it?" " Pull it?" "of course I will pull it." "Please give me something to put me out." "Put you out?" "first you must wear you know." "Wear it over the eyes." "On no account look out from under the anesthetic cotton." "That will ruin the whole effect of the anesthetic on the eyes." "You want me to hold it like that?" "Hold it like that on the eyes while I get some..." "Doctor." "I can't stand the pain." "Yes." "Coming soon." "What are you doing?" "Just rearranging the furniture in order to give you the full effect of the anesthetic." "I'm in agony!" "Not for much longer." "That was hell down there." "What's wrong?" "Whoever built this house put the stairs in the wrong place." "You mean you fell down the stairs?" "you know." "isn't it?" "Hot in here." "the... anesthetic." "Nitrous oxide." "What's that?" "you know." "good." "yes." "the pain is getting worse." "Please hurry up." "A few whiffs of this and you won't feel a thing." " All right." " Now breathe deeply." " How's that?" " It's fine." "How do you feel?" "A little dizzy." " What's so funny?" " I don't know." "Nothing." " Then why are you laughing?" " I don't know." " Why are you laughing?" " Because I can't help it." "Yes." "I love it." " Come on." " It's gonna hurt." "Good." "Lovely." "I will have to use more leverage. but it's giving me hallucinations." "Your whole face has changed." "It has?" "How's this?" "Grotesque!" "boss." "Clouseau is still alive." "I knew it." "He has pulled the wrong tooth." "There's only one man who would pull the wrong tooth." "It's Clouseau." "Kill him." "Kill him." "Get Fassbender and his daughter into the control room." "What about Clouseau?" "Priorities." "First I will pick a target." "Then Clouseau." "Now we'll see who has the last laugh." "They've all betrayed me." "Now they will have to pay." "What shall I destroy?" "Buckingham Palace?" "Too small." "How about London?" "Not big enough." "England." "Piccadilly" "Leicester Square" "Professor." "I shall destroy England." "England!" "No more cricket." "Professor." "No more fish and chips." "No more..." "England!" "Do something." "You brought it on yourself." "It's too late." "Wait!" "Do something!" "Come back!" "Help me!" "Look!" "You've got to help me!" "Professor!" "I'm home." "Cato." "I gave Cato the night off." "But what has happened to my "reum"?" "Darling?" "My darling." "sing to me." "Sing to you?" "Come to me" "And the world" "Will be ours tonight" "Darling." "Darling?" "Where did you go?" "that was my voice." "That was my voice singing a little song we used to sing in the Resistance to keep up the courage." "Was it hard for you in the Resistance?" "but not as hard as it is now." "relax." "The Resistance is over." "My darling." "My beautiful darling." "What?" "What?" "not now!"