"The courier from Spain." "Will there be war?" "We'll soon know." " The gates are closed!" " I bear a message... from His Majesty, King Philip of Spain to His Majesty, Louis, king of all France." "The courier from Spain!" "Open the gates!" "Deschamps, it's the courier from Spain." "Yes, I know." "What will it be, war or peace?" "Neither for us... if the good King Louis should catch the charming Pompadour in my apartment." "Since when does the gallant Deschamps fear for his head?" "Not mine." "This one." "Much too pretty a head to be found rolling around in the bottom of a basket." "But, darling, yours would be there beside it." "You think of everything, my dear Pompadour." "Your Majesty?" "Your Majesty." "Hmm?" "What is it?" "Sire, the courier from Spain." "Come here, come here." "What say the Spanish?" "Is it war?" "Not yet, sire." "Then what is it?" "Speak, man, speak!" "King Philip feels that the forces who fan... the flames of hatred toward France can still be thwarted." "But how, how?" "An alliance based on royal marriage." "Royal marriage?" "Yes, sire." "Between Maria, Princess of Spain, and a French nobleman of your choosing." "Mmm." "What do you think, Armand?" "Philip is shrewd, sire." "He knows the Spanish." "The right marriage might well stir their romantic imagination and avert war." "Yes, yes, quite true." "Quite true." "But we must be careful." "We must choose the proper man." "You, courier, refresh yourself." "I shall send for you." "Yes, Armand, we must choose the proper man." "Someone handsome, dashing, clever." "One whose wit and charm would captivate the Spanish court." "In other words, sire, the Duke Deschamps." "Who else?" "Brilliant stroke, sire, brilliant." "Obvious choice to rid the court... of his fiery temper and quick blade." "To say nothing of considerable romantic competition." "The young blood should be duly grateful, eh, Armand?" "Not to mention a few of the older ones, sire." "I shouldn't wonder." "What do you mean?" "Oh, nothing, sire." "Nothing." "Except I noticed the charming newcomer..." "Madame de Pompadour favor him with a smile." "A smile?" "A smile?" "What's a smile?" "She did?" "But what matter, sire?" "After all, he leaves in a few days." "Few days?" "He leaves tonight!" "Send the courier back to Spain." "Tell Philip his daughter Maria weds the darling of the French court." "Bon vivant!" "Swordsman extraordinaire!" "Prince of the blood!" "Our adored Duke Deschamps!" "Very well, sire." "Inform Deschamps, the queen, the ministers." "Spread the news!" "This is a big night!" "And all France must celebrate!" "Good heavens, get my barber." "Summon Monseiur Beaucaire." "Summon Monseiur Beaucaire." "Monsieur Beaucaire." "Monsieur Beaucaire!" " Monsieur Beaucaire!" " Monsieur Beaucaire!" "Monsieur Beaucaire!" "Where is he?" "In the chambermaid's room." "Thank you very much..." "Ch-Chambermaid's!" "Oh!" "Go away, Mimi." "Don't try to stop me!" "You've broken my heart for the last time." "You're now gazing at a Frenchman who is not afraid to die for love!" "Beaucaire, stop!" "Don't try to stop me, Mimi, don't..." "Oh, it's you." "Talk to me later." "I'm killing myself." "Beaucaire, you can't." "You can't kill yourself." " Why not?" " The king wants a shave." "Tell him I'm tied up." "Oh, the king?" "Oh, that's different." "How about..." "Oh!" "Ha, ha." "Hey." "You didn't tie the rope?" "I was gonna take a couple of practice swings." "Oh, I see." "Hey." "My dear Beaucaire, why do you want to kill yourself?" "You, with so much to live for!" "It's Mimi." "Mimi?" "Why should you be upset about a little scullery maid?" "Scullery maid?" "She's the king's new chambermaid." "She promoted herself upstairs." "What of it?" "She can promote herself upstairs, she can promote herself upstairs." "Maybe not." "You don't know Mimi." "She's ambitious to be somebody." "For years she's been determined to get upstairs." "Perhaps she wants to enlarge her mind." "Her mind's large enough." "The rest of her doesn't need improvement." "What's worrying you?" "It's the king." "After all, he's got the power to..." "He's the king." "A chambermaid doesn't attract the king's eye unless she wants to." "That's right, not unless she wants to." "Well?" "She wants to." "Are you certain?" "I'm positive." "I threw myself at her feet." "Told her I'd hang myself." "What did she do?" "Loaned me the rope." "Well..." "Beaucaire!" "My poor, poor friend, you were right." "You must kill yourself." "Yeah, I..." "Huh?" "You were right, absolutely right." "You could argue with me." "Beaucaire, think." "You're a Frenchman, yes?" "Yes." "A man of honor, yes?" "You lost your sweetheart?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Then you must kill yourself, no?" "No!" "That's settled." "I gotta get to work." "Mimi?" "Oh, are you still alive?" "Tell the king I'll be right up." "Mimi, you're making a big mistake." "I have nothing further to say, Beaucaire." "I won't let you do it." "You won't let me do it?" "Out of my way, barber." "Pretty sure of yourself." "What makes you think the king'll look at you twice?" "He won't have to." "Once will be enough." "Mimi, do you realize what you're doing, turning me down?" "And for what?" "A king!" "Mimi, I've got a future." "I'm only a little barber now." "But someday I'll have a shop of my own with two chairs, three chairs, maybe four." "What does the king got?" "One chair!" "But look what's on it." "What about those other women upstairs?" "They'll see through your tricky schemes." "In this palace it's every woman for herself." "Dog eat dog." "Let's leave the queen out of this." "Where is that Beaucaire?" "My dear Monseiur Beaucaire, I am now going in to prepare the queen's bath." "While the queen is taking her bath, who knows?" "I may get to meet the king." "Farewell, barber." "Mimi!" "I'm warning you." "If you go through with this, you'll never see me again." "Have you thought about that?" "Well?" "Well!" "Well!" "I guess you've thought about it." "Wait!" "Go." "Beaucaire!" "Gentlemen, I didn't call you in to ask your opinion." "I called you in to give you my decision." "Beaucaire!" "You clumsy idiot!" "Oh!" "Oh, there you are!" "Oh, oh, sorry, sire." "But to send the Duke Deschamps, a dandy, a popinjay." "Whose experience in court diplomacy is limited to, to courting!" "Exactly!" "Are you quite through, gentlemen?" "For if you are..." "Beaucaire!" "What is the matter with you tonight?" "Oh, I'm sorry, sire." "I..." "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "It's Mimi." "I'm..." "Mimi?" "Who's Mimi?" "Oh, your girl." "l-I mean, my girl!" "That is, she's our girl." "Gets around, doesn't she?" "Man, what are you jabbering about?" "Mimi." "May I talk to you about her, sire?" "Certainly not." "Now, gentlemen, let's finish with this discussion." "The Duke Deschamps goes to Spain and he goes tonight!" "Who's Mimi?" "She's been downstairs, now she's upstairs." "Never mind now." "Here's the queen." "Louis, what's this I hear of Deschamps going to Spain?" "Quite true, quite true." "What about it?" "Nothing!" "I just wondered why of all our very talented young men you chose Deschamps." "Why not?" "Royal blood, best swordsman in the land." "I understand from certain sources that he's very attracted to the ladies." "Eh, barber?" "Oh, yes, sire, very attractive." "But he doesn't even speak Spanish." "Don't worry about him." "He'll make himself understood." "Shut up, you idiot." "He didn't say anything." "I said, shut up!" "My dear, please, remember we never display anger in front of our cabinet." "Oh!" "Anger is the effort of a limited mind to express itself." "Now, shut up, you idiot, and powder my wig!" "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "I was only repeating what Mimi told me." "Who is this..." "Oh." "Oh." "Oh." "Beaucaire, you'll answer for this." "And once and for all, who is this Mimi?" "My girl, sire." "She dreams of position, power." "Why, she'd like to influence the king like Madame Pompadour." "And who says Madame Pompadour influences the king?" "Oh, everybody knows that." "It's all over." "It's..." "Or don't they?" "Louis, I shall talk to you later!" "My dear, wait, please!" "You mustn't misunderstand." "You see..." "I said, later, and alone!" "Beaucaire!" "You blundering nincompoop!" "Get out of this palace." "If I so much as see you again, I'll have your head!" "Yes, sire." "Thank you, sire." "As for that other matter," "Deschamps leaves for Spain... tonight!" "I guess I caught him in a bad humor." "Who does he think he is to talk to me that way?" "After all, I'm not dirt." "I'm a man." "Well, sort of." "What makes him so special anyway?" "A ring, a wig, some robes, a few soldiers." "Hmph!" "After all, anyone can be king." "It just happens to be where you get born, that's all." "I could be king." "Bet I'd make a good king too." "OI' liver-lip never looked this good." ""Beaucaire, you jabbering' nincompoop!" "I'll have your head!" Have my head?" "Bet it won't look good on him either." "Boy, if I were king around here, things would be different." "I wouldn't go around cutting' off everybody's head and takin' away everybody's girl." "Well, I wouldn't go around cutting' off everybody's head." "Him and his masks." "Got a mask for day and a mask for night." "He's got a mask for sleepin'." "I don't blame him." "If I had a face like him, I'd keep it confidential too." "Don't shoot!" "Oh!" "Oh, pardon me, Your Majesty." "Approach me." "Approach me." "Hmm, pretty little wench." "Thank you, sire." "Rise, child, rise." "Haven't I seen you about the palace?" "I'd hardly dared that my sire would notice me." "Oh, but of course!" "You're the little wench who's been seen with Beaucaire, the barber." "Splendid chap, Beaucaire, and so handsome." "Beaucaire, handsome?" "Just don't see how one man can get that handsome." "Believe me, sire, there's nothing between myself and Beaucaire." "Nothing?" "You call that nothing?" "The way you kissed him at the Scullery Maid's Ball behind the onion sacks!" "Sire, you know of that?" "My child, the king's eyes are everywhere!" "Oh, but Your Majesty." "I did not come here to discuss Beaucaire, handsome though he may be and..." "Charming!" "Witty!" "Clever!" "And I happen to know that you've shown more... than a causal interest in him." "Oh, I'll admit, sire, that for a barber... he's very amusing and, well, rather sweet." "But after all, Beaucaire is a man." "And I'm not interested in men." "Mortal men." "My interest is France." "What do you mean?" "Sire, I am a patriot." "I love France and to me, sire, you are France." "All of France." "Oh, it's just the way the robe fits." "It's just strictly for lounging." "Ah, what a moment." "To be alone with France." "To see France." "To hear France." "To touch France." "Do you know what a moment this is for a woman?" "It's not so bad for France either." "Don't think of me as a woman." "Think of me as the people of France." "I'd rather think of you as a woman." "It's such a small room." "That, sire, was for France." "Now let's have one for the colonies." "Louis!" "The queen!" "Oh, Your Majesty, don't misunderstand." "I'm sure I shan't." "I never do, do I, Louis?" "I was telling His Majesty of my patriotism." "These are perilous times, child." "Patriotism is not bought cheaply." "Come, I will see you are amply rewarded." "This is not my day." "Guards!" "Guards!" "Your Majesty?" "Escort this wench to the Spanish border." "But Your Majesty..." "If ever you set foot in France, I'll have your head." "Take her away!" "Spain?" "Oh no!" "Why, that's the king!" "Then, who?" "Beaucaire!" "Revenge!" "I swear revenge!" "Tell Madame Pompadour I'm here." "But Your Majesty..." "I said, tell her!" "But, sire." "Duke Deschamps?" "We'll see about that." "Perhaps if I intervened with the king?" "It's no use." "I'm ordered to leave within the hour." "Farewell, Deschamps." "The king!" "She was just wishing me a safe journey, Majesty." "Oh, Your Grace, you've gotta take me to Spain." "Beaucaire!" "What are you doing in the king's robe?" "I had a chill." "Please take me." "Out of the question." "I know I shouldn't presume..." "Get out of here!" "You know how things are around here." "Can't you do something with him?" "Get out!" "I know, but it's a matter of life and death." "But I could serve you well." "Please?" "Now look here, Beaucaire!" "Oh!" "Uh-oh." "The king's coming!" "Oh, please, please take me." "Mimi's gone to Spain." "I've gotta go too." "Our heads if we're caught together." "I'll be your lackey." "There must be a way out." "I'll do your laces, undies." "I'll fix the runs." "Could fight it out?" "No, not the king." "I'll bring you breakfast in bed." "We've gotta do something." "I'll scratch your back, yours too." "I'll cut your hair." "I'll shave ya!" "Shave?" "That's it!" "Out of these clothes." "Hair tonic and everything." " Are you there, Deschamps?" " Coming, sire." "One moment, sire." "You're next." "All right, let him in." "Hold this, grace, Your Grace." "Evening, Deschamps." "Shaving at this hour?" "Yes, Your Majesty, you see I..." "It was my idea, sire." "You!" "Barber!" "Yes, sire." "I was under the impression you were no longer with us." "I'm leaving." "I'll be out of here before you can say Madame Pompadour." "Just a final shave, Majesty." "Uh, good man, this Beaucaire." "What's this?" "Familiar scent." "The lace so delicate, so feminine." "Anyone we know?" "I have no idea, Your Majesty." "I..." "It's mine." "Yours?" "I carry one for show and one for blow." "Delightful scent, isn't it?" "I wouldn't give two cents for those other scents." "Comes all the way from France." "This is France!" "Small world." "This farce begins to bore me." "I have reason to suspect someone is hiding in your apartment." "Should I chance to find her, I shall have your head." "And yours too!" "Naturally." "Two heads are always better than one." "Sire, to entertain such thoughts is madness." "There's no one in there." "We shall see!" "Psst!" "Oh, this is horrible." "You..." "I'm so worried." "Stop worrying." "I'll tell you when it's time to worry." "It's time." "Strange, I could have sworn you had a visitor." "But a man can be wrong about a woman." "Yes, very wrong." "My apologies." "As for you, barber, one word of this..." "Heaven forbid that these lips should suggest Madame Pompadour need hide... behind a drape or beneath a bed." "Bed!" "Aha!" "Where is she?" "Quick, the balcony." "Oh!" "The other way!" "Back in the chair." "Who's in there with you?" "No one there." "Perhaps I've been a trifle hasty." "But I suppose that happens to the best of us, eh, Deschamps?" "There's no reasoning with the green-eyed serpent of jealousy, is there, lad?" "What's the matter, lost your tongue?" "Soap." "Soap." "Well, my apologies again, Deschamps." "Barber, I needn't warn you..." "Breathe easily, sire." "These loyal lips of mine will never hint that there's a royal skeleton in the closet." "Closet?" "Of course, excellent." "I had to open my big mouth." "Hey." "Here we go again." "Quick, quick." "I'm caught." "Huh?" "You're what?" "I'm caught." "None of us are too loose." "Breathe in." "These pontoons." "Too late." "Here he comes." "Breathe out." "Duck, Duke." "Take the upper." "Not there." "Deschamps, I'm a fool." "An old jealous fool." "It's quite all right, sire." "Can you forgive me?" "It's all forgotten, sire." "Yeah, let's forget it." "Let me have your hand on it." "Well, I must away." "Remember, barber..." "Louis!" "All right, Louis, start talking, unless you intend to make more of a fool of me than you have already." "What's this nonsense?" "So it's nonsense... for the queen of France to come upon the king of France... kissing a scullery maid!" "Chambermaid." "Quite right, chambermaid." "Furthermore..." "How did you know?" "You know how those things whip around the palace, in one keyhole and out the other." "Oh!" "What a disgrace." "The whole court must be laughing." "You and that wench." "Wench?" "What wench?" "I haven't seen any wench." "Then I suppose, my dear Louis, somebody else was in your room, wearing your robe, your mask and your ring." "Ring, what ring?" "Your turquoise ring." "The one that looks like..." "Like that!" "Oh!" "Oh, we must go to the same jewelers." "It does look like yours. 'Tis mine!" "Knew she wasn't a scullery maid, eh?" "Oh, mercy, mercy." "Why did you do it, nave?" "To save her, sire." "Save her from what?" "You, sire." "There, you see!" "Impersonate royalty, will you?" "You lying scoundrel!" "Guards!" "Your Majesty!" "Seize that barber." "Take him to the guillotine." "Cut off his head in the morning." "Farewell, Your Grace." "When you get to Spain, look up Mimi." "Tell Mimi I'm sorry." "Mimi?" "Who's Mimi?" "The little girl who'd like to be like Madame Pompadour." "Oh!" "Chop off his head tonight!" "This'll teach me a lesson." "What a way to die." "Be brave, my friend." "You wanted to go anyway." "But like a man, not like a salami." "Courage, they come for you now." "Come on!" "Can't we put this off a while?" "I'm getting a sore throat." "Quick, get into these clothes." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Uh-huh!" "Uh-huh!" "Uh-huh!" "'Ten-shun!" "How am I doin'?" "Wave good-bye to the king." "No, he'll recognize me." "Not from here." "Good-bye, Your Majesty." "Why don't you fall off there and break your... fat neck?" "Good luck." "Good riddance." "Uh-oh, the queen." "Good-bye, old prune face." "Climb back on your broom." "Charming boy." "What's the meaning of this?" "What's he doing in those clothes?" "I'll tell you later." "Get in." "I will not get in." "Shh!" "Shh!" "Bon voyage!" "Bon voyage!" "Bon..." "They've chosen the illustrious Duke Deschamps, eh?" "Yes, General." "Quite a choice." "We of Spain should be highly flattered, gentlemen." "And our lovely princess, Maria?" "Has already left the Swiss convent, traveling incognito." "By now she should be well across France." "Oh?" "And if the unfortunate young lady were to die on French soil... who but the French could be held responsible, eh?" "There's only one answer our stupid king could give." "You mean war?" "What else?" "During a war anything can happen." "Thrones can topple." "One of determination and vision might seize the reins... and... rule Spain." "It will be done, General." "I didn't question it." "I have a great capacity for gratitude, amigos." "I shall remember you." "How tragic that one so young and lovely as our Princess Maria... must die, hmm?" "Tonya Clara, what do you suppose he's like?" "Handsome, gay and kind." "He's probably a very nice young man." "Of course, he won't be." "He'll be rich and fat and bald with as many chins as he has chateaus." "You mustn't think of these things." "I know, I know." "This is a marriage of political expedience." "You are the princess of Spain." "I am also a woman." "But first, you are the princess of Spain." "Is it going to take all day to fix that harness?" "I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with." "Hurry up." "We don't want to spend the night here." "More delays." "What a journey." "Broken harness, miserable heat, dust!" "And on top of it, this preposterous masquerade!" "Deschamps, I insist on your getting out of those clothes immediately!" "I shall change when we approach the Spanish border, not before." "At the moment it's quite too hot and I'm quite too comfortable." "Hmm!" "Quite!" "Git up there!" "Do you have a spare thong?" "I think so." "Look under the seat." "Beaucaire, what a beauty." "What an angel." "What a vision." "What are we waiting for?" "I think the one in the big hat likes you." "Drive on!" " But madame, their harness is broken." " I said, drive on!" "Git up there." "They'll be back." "I'm not waiting." "Driver, unhitch one of those horses!" "Make it two!" "May I remind you, you're supposed to be a bridegroom en route to your marriage." "An event I can hardly anticipate with relish, particularly to a woman I've never seen." "Yeah, for all he knows she may be a big, fat, flabby... rather attractive type of woman." "Shut up!" "Yes, sire." "And may I further remind you..." "I am being held responsible for the success of the marriage ceremony... and I assure you I don't intend to fail." "Handsome, wasn't he?" "The princess of Spain does not bestow her smiles upon a stranger." "Especially a commoner." "Commoner or nobleman." "The forces that would prevent your marriage are desperate and will stop at nothing." "We shall proceed seeing no one, speaking to no one." "Git up there!" "Ye-haw!" "It's the girl!" "They're being attacked!" "Come on, after them!" "Use your head, man." "We can afford no risk!" "That's right, no risk!" "You speak of risk to the Duke Deschamps?" "What's the matter with you?" "But there are six of them." "Yeah, six of them." "Three for each of ya!" "Six or 600, what does it matter?" "Yeah, what's the matter?" "Go on!" "Help him!" "Who me?" "Yes, you." "You're a man." "You've got blood in your veins." "I wanna keep it there." "Go on, man, help him!" "Let him get 'em mad." "I'll cut in later." "Go on!" "You gotta warm up to these." "Go!" "Oh." "Oh, there you are." "Aaah!" "Sharks!" "En garde!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "It's me!" "Did we get 'em all?" "All but one." "I'm sorry he got away." "Come back, you coward!" "He was the finest swordsman of the lot." "Yeah." "Go ahead, you coward." "Lucky for him he got away when he did." "One of'em is still kickin'." "Get in there." "Oh, he's dead." "Then I don't blame him for kickin'." "There's nothing more to worry about, Your Grace." "My grace?" "My grace?" "Ooh, my gracious." "Well done, my good man." "Well done." "Remind me to reward you handsomely with a goatskin full of goats or something." "Thank you, Your Grace." "And our thanks too for coming to our rescue." "Oh, it's nothing." "It's just everyday..." "Who's there?" "Well, I must run along now and sharpen my sword." "You can never tell when we'll meet more of these cads." "Don't be long, my good man." "Your Grace." "I'm afraid you have no driver." "Would you grant me the privilege of driving you?" "You are most kind." "Thank you, we'll manage." "Madame, we are alone and must travel by night." "This gentleman is being most considerate." "Well, if your master will permit." "I think I might persuade him." "Careful." "Watch that next one." "It's not there." "Don't bother to come across." "I'm leaving." "Thank heaven you're safe." "Huh?" "I'm driving the ladies to their destination." "Oh, we are?" "I forbid it." "I absolutely forbid it." "I've had enough of this nonsense." "He calls it nonsense." "I'll meet you at the tavern on the Spanish border." "But the Spanish party of welcome will be there expecting to meet the duke!" "I said I'd be there." "Yeah, we'll be there." "Not you!" "Selfish." "Come back!" "This is treasonous." "Stop him, do you hear?" "Stop him!" "I'm mad at him." "He's making a fool of me." "A fool!" "Who's arguing?" "Deschamps!" "Imagine him doing this to me." "Me too." "Do you realize what this means?" "Suppose he arrives late?" "Suppose he doesn't arrive at all?" "I'm not going to put up with it." "I'm not going to risk my head for one of his silly escapades." "I won't stand for it." "Understand?" "I wo..." "Hmm!" "Hmm!" "What's going on behind that "hmm"?" "It might work at that." "What might work at what?" "Your Grace!" "Oh no, you don't!" "Not me!" "I just came along for the ride and to find Mimi." "You must!" "It means war!" "Not me!" "Let 'em start shootin'!" "I'm not goin' around impersonating any dukes, especially Deschamps." "He fights duels." "A fellow can get sliced up that way." "On the contrary, grace." "The Spanish are a warm, affectionate people." "Far more interested in the duke's other reputation." "Other reputation?" "Mm-hmm, he's considered quite a prize among the ladies." "Yeah, that's right." "Women." "Yeah, hundreds of'em, throwing themselves at me." "Pawin' me, mauling me!" "Half nelsons, hammerlocks!" "Oh no, you don't." "You almost had me going." "I'm not impersonating royalty." "No more!" "I nearly got my head chopped off." "Sorry." "Use the old duke." "Very well, I won't urge you." "Now you're talkin'!" "I'll send you back to Paris." "Now you're talkin'." "And the guillotine." "Now, you're..." "You're talkin' to the new duke." "When I took her riding on Monday riding on Monday" "Riding on a Monday she said no sir riding on Monday" "In the coach and four" "Then I took her riding on Tuesday" "Riding on Tuesday riding on a Tuesday" "She came closer riding on Tuesday than she was before" "Wednesday she resisted Thursday I insisted" "Day after day I prayed she'd say" "Si, si, senor" "So I brought her riding on Sunday riding on Sunday" "Riding on a Sunday and I taught her riding on Sunday" "Love is a lovely lore" "Then I found her right beside me and I held her tight beside me" "There was such a light inside me" "In the coach and four" "In the coach and four" "Still asleep?" "Yes." "I'm glad my singing didn't have the same effect on you." "It was very nice." "What's your name?" "What does it matter?" "A lackey's called by many names." "But your speech, your swordsmanship, your bearing." "It's more fitting one of gentle, even of royal birth." "Don't speak of royalty." "I hate them." "l-I too have no love for them." "Things they do to people like you and me." "Let's forget them, shall we?" "Forgive me." "I didn't want you to fall off." "The road's much bumpier from here on." "Somehow I always knew it would be like this." "Suddenly, without names, without warning." "For shame!" "Stop the coach!" "Come down at once." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "We'll stay the night." "Make arrangements." "Yes, madame." "You." "At midnight when he's asleep, will you drive us to Madrid?" "Madrid?" "But senora..." "For 100 pieces of gold?" "Oh, oh, senora." "Tonya Clara, please, may I not even say good-bye?" "You will leave a note." "It'll be easier that way." "Mimi." "Mimi." "Mimi." "Mimi." "Stay outta my dreams, will ya?" "So... you let her get away, amigo?" "General, it could not be helped." "Some madman with a sword slashed us to ribbons." "I was lucky to get away with my life." "Were you, amigo?" "Yes, General." "Very lucky." "Hmm." "Take him out." "See if his luck continues." "But General!" "I have been loyal!" "A friend!" "You can be certain, amigo, that I shall always think of you tenderly." "Out!" "There is nothing to stop the wedding now." "Takes two to make a marriage, Captain." "And the bridegroom arrives this afternoon." "Deschamps." "Mm-hmm." "Now, uh..." "Wouldn't it be a most unhappy circumstance if His Grace... would meet with an accident during his stay in Spain?" "Hmm?" "Shall we say tonight?" "It might not be easy." "They say he's the finest swordsman in France." "Hardly the finest without his sword." "Do you have a plan?" "Not at the moment, but you may be sure..." "You cannot stay in Spain." "You have no passport!" "Let me go, please!" "If you send me back, it means my death." "It's been ordered by the queen herself." "That is no concern of ours!" "Come along!" "Have her sent to me at once." "We arrive at the tavern in a moment." "If he's not there, for heaven's sake, remember you're dressed like a duke." "Try and behave like a duke." "When you're expected to bow, bow!" "When you're expected to smile, smile." "Yes, sir." "If you're challenged to a duel..." "I run!" "You see, my dear, uh, Mimi, was it?" "You see, my dear Mimi, I'm fully aware of the unjust treatment... you received at the hands of the French." "The general is most understanding." "Yes, of course, my dear." "And I assure you, most appreciative of the efforts of his friends." "Just what does the general have in mind?" "Oh, a trifle... for a lady of your obvious accomplishments." "Merely that when my men pay their respect to the duke tonight... his sword shall be unavailable." "Murder?" "Murder?" "No, no, no." "Who speaks of murder, my dear child?" "A simple abduction, just to delay the wedding for a day or two." "But doesn't that mean war?" "War?" "Tsk, tsk, tsk." "What an ugly thought for such a charming head... when it might be thinking of a reward." "For instance, a chateaux in Barcelona... or, uh, perhaps a palace in Madrid." "Vive le duke!" "Take 'em out of the pots." "Thanks, you lovely peasants." "Small crowd." "Vive le duke!" "Control yourself." "I know it's hard but try." "The strutting peacock." "I can't believe it." "Can't believe what?" "That I'm going to have a chateaux." "My little Mimi, I won't forget that." "Neither will the duke." "Ah, why am I shaving you?" "I'm the boy they're waiting for down there." "Did you see all that femininity?" "Acres and acres of it." "Boy, what grazing." "They happen to be waiting for the Duke Deschamps." "Yeah?" "Say, maybe that's him." "His Excellency, the commanding general of the Spanish army," "Don Francisco Miguel Carlos Alta Mira de los Monteros... y Canseco de la Torre de la Vega del Palacio... del Castio de los Rios Garcia Gonzales..." "Guacamole Andradre de la Serna." "Must've brought the army with him." "Show him in." "The most powerful man in Spain." "Quick!" "Put your coat on." "Understand now." "I'll do all the talking, you understand?" "Okay." "You just do the bowing." "Right." "Wrong coat!" "Wrong coat." "Ah, that's better." "Something missing here." "Of course, I am." "Your Grace, we greet you in the name of Spain." "Your Excellency, we greet you in the name of France." "Mmm, I, uh, trust Your Grace had a pleasant trip." "Oh, I had a very good carriage." "My grace was very comfortable." "His Grace is jesting." "It was a most tiresome and dusty journey." "His Grace is really most fatigued." "I feel a little tired too." "A condition easily remedied." "I've taken the liberty of ordering dinner." "Exciting dishes to tempt the palate." "Oh, sp..." "Well, I'm... not exactly hungry." "I..." "Wines to stimulate your senses." "I'm not thirsty." "And after dinner, something to please Your Grace's discerning eye." "Well, let's start with the dessert." "Shall we go?" "You may come too, if you like." "Thank you, Your Grace." "After you." "After you." "No, after you." "After you." "Aft..." "After you!" "Let's have some more two, three or four" "Drink, drink drink, drink" "Drink of the cream of the crop" "Oh, we'll drink every drop in the shop" "High, high, high" "Fill it up high, high, high" "Why, why, why never be dry, dry, dry" "Let your voices ring clear send up the cheer" "Drink, drink drink, drink" "Drink 'til the bottom's on top" "Oh, we'll drink every drop in the shop" "Drink as we sing to the queen and the king" "We would drink to a duke and be gladdened" "Drink to the seal and the flag of bastille" "We would drink to our wives if we had to" "Drink to the future and drink to the past" "Drink to the land we love best" "Drink to our love may it always last" "Drink to our most honored guest" "Waiter, fill up your tray keep it that way" "Drink, drink drink, drink" "Drink so your system can top" "Oh, drink every drop in the shop" "Drink, drink drink, drink" "Drink 'til your liver is pink" "Mimi, what are you doing here?" "Shh, let's go someplace where we can talk." "All right, in here." "Mimi, let me look at you." "It's good to see you." "And you, too, Beaucaire." "Oh, oh, Mimi." "I, I never expected this." "I thought you might even be angry with me." "Angry with you?" "Whatever for?" "Well..." "You know I kinda got you kicked out of France." "Oh, but you didn't mean to, did you?" "Uh-uh." "It was just a mistake, a silly little mistake." "That's right." "And we all make mistakes, don't we?" "Let's not stop now, huh?" "But what are you doing in the duke's clothes?" "Oh, I was just taking his place for a while." "You know the duke." "Cherchez la femme?" "Thanks, don't mind if I do." "Well, so they chose you above all others... to impersonate the irresistible Deschamps." "That's right." "Surprised?" "Not at all." "I think the choice was obvious." "You really think so?" "Certainly." "One can't hide quality in breeding." "Yeah!" "When you got it, you got it." "There's nothing you can do about it." "Oh, you're so right." "One look is enough." "That regal forehead." "Runs in the family." "The Hapsburg chin." "Got that from my mother." "The Bourbon nose." "Got that from my father, drank like a fish." "Those dark, flashing eyes." "That soft, lustrous hair." "You should see it after a rinse." "Oh, Mimi, let's forget the past and settle down together here in Spain." "Just the two of us?" "That's the usual number, isn't it?" "I must admit it's, uh, tempting." "Tempting?" "Why, it's, uh..." "Say, it is tempting." "Oh, I can see it all now." "Just you and I alone in a sweet little cottage." "Yes, and in a year or two..." "There'll be a little wail in the nursery." "Personally, I'd rather have children." "Oh, Beaucaire." "Mimi." "I wish you'd take that sword off." "I can't." "I've got to look like the duke, always with his trusty blade." "En garde!" "Zip!" "And he gets his man." "And his women too." "I wonder how he does it." "Oh, it's simple." "All you have to do is hold it like that, extend it..." "En garde!" "That's right." "Now, you feather-brain, powder duster." "Mimi?" "Mimi?" "What's come over you?" "Mimi?" "Don't get excited." "There, Mr. Barber." "That'll teach you to get people banished from France!" "Ouch!" " Mimi, I don't get it!" " You will!" "Mimi?" "Hiya, fellas." "What is it, halloween?" "Look, throw away that silverware." "You'll get the floor slippery." "You'll pay for that!" "It's all a mistake." "You've got the wrong boy." "You wouldn't want an innocent man's blood on your hands." "I guess you would!" "Did you see him?" "No, he's not there." "Hey!" "I tell you, you've got the wrong man." "Oh!" "Hey, where've you been?" "Well, I..." "Explain later." "It's all right." "Don't be afraid." "We can handle 'em." "Get ahold of the swords." "Get that big one." "Get him." "Well done, my dear." "Thank you, General." "In seconds from now, our gallant friend will be no more." "Murdered?" "Oh, but General..." "Don't be naive." "One silly duke, more or less." "But, General..." "Have at you, valet." "Have at you again." "You're fencing with a master now." "Take that, you swine, and that, and that!" "Aha!" "Got you, huh?" "That'll teach you, you scrounging cutthroats." "Gang up on me, will ya?" "Retire." "Four down, two to go." "Whoops, that did it!" "Oh no!" "Your Grace, are you all right?" "It was nothing." "Just six of them." "An evening sport." "Took 'em a long time to fall." "Uh-oh." "Poor amateurs." "That this should happen under my protection!" "I promise an investigation." "Say no more." "Your Grace will be guarded every moment from now on." "I'll summon help to repair your suite." "Clean up the debris here." "Please, I didn't know they meant to kill you." "I give you my word." "Your word!" "A sweet cottage with a garden of daisies and me under them." "Oh, you must believe me!" "Take your hands off me." "I never want to see you." "Beaucaire, your life is in danger." "You speak to me of danger?" "I say poof to danger!" "Double poof." "How do you like that?" "Six guys tryin' to make a pincushion outta me." "Get out of those clothes." "I've had enough of this." "Why, Your Highness!" "Don't you "Highness" me, Your Highness." "I wanna be your "loneness" again." "What's this?" "This is what you got me into." "Deschamps, thank heaven you're safe." "Come along." "Get out of these things." "I'm afraid not." "I'm en route to Madrid." "Madrid?" "I must see her once more, if only to say good-bye." "I absolutely forbid it." "He absolutely forbids it." "Shame on you to risk the lives of thousands of your countrymen merely for a romantic caprice." "Caprice?" "I've never loved like this before." "Let's have a caprice later." "Armand, would you have your bridegroom killed?" "Those men weren't after him." "They're after me." "That's right!" "That's why I'm getting out of these clothes." "Change clothes." "Plunge your country into war." "What do you mean?" "I didn't expect this of a clever fellow like you." "Me?" "What'd I do?" "A man with a chance to outwit the sharpest minds in Spain." "I have?" "How?" "Listen." "One of us is a duke and one a barber, right?" "Right." "But they don't know which is which." "Oh, the morons." "If they kill me, what have they got?" "The duke." "If we stay the way we are and let them kill you, what have they got?" "Nothing but a barber." "I knew you'd see it." "We stay the way we are." "Good man." "Vive le duke." "See you in Madrid." "Vive le duke." "And good luck!" "The duke's a pretty smart fellow to figure a thing like that out." "Now all they're gonna kill is a crummy little barber." "A bar..." "A barber!" "That's me!" "Love live the duke." "Long live the duke?" "Oh no!" "Well, Tonya Clara, where's Maria?" "She will not come down." "What?" "Did you tell her the duke has arrived?" "The princess begs to inform you that out of loyalty to her countrymen, she will submit to marriage with the French duke." "Until then she wishes to be alone." "Stubborn child." "Tell her of my displeasure." "And don't let her out of your sight." "Where is that Deschamps?" "How can a man forsake the honor of his country for just a woman?" "How can he do it?" "How do you think I feel waiting' to get stabbed?" "What was that?" "Quick!" "Put the wig on." "Yeah." "Parry, thrust, touché." "Parry, thrust, lay there and bleed." "Is His Grace ready to receive the king's emissary?" "No, His Grace isn't quite ready." "He'll require a few more moments." "This is terrible." "It's time for the presentation." "What'll I do, Beaucaire?" "Oh, don't look at me." "You?" "Do you think for one moment..." "I'd present you to the king?" "Yes, I do." "That would finish us." "Yes." "Especially me." "I wouldn't present you to the lowest flea on the shaggiest mongrel." "Deschamps!" "Oh, not me." "I..." "Oh, am I glad to see you!" "Your Grace, thank heaven you're here." "You must get out of those rags immediately." "Yeah, me too." "No." "He'll need the presentation suit." "I've scoured Madrid." "Not a trace of her." "Forget her." "She's just another woman, another hank of hair, a smile, piece of lace, a dimple." "Women are all alike... sensational!" "Beaucaire!" "Oh, he's been a trial." "I'm glad you arrived in time, your..." "Deschamps?" "Deschamps?" "Oh no!" "Not again?" "Deschamps?" "Your Grace, where are you going?" "Don't worry." "I'll be back." "Oh, fine." "Probably that girl again." "The man's insane." "Risking everything for a woman's love." "Can it be that important?" "How old are you?" "Looking for someone?" "You?" "Here?" "How?" "No questions." "I found you again and that's all that matters." "Why did you come here?" "Because I love you." "I was a fool." "I should've come here before." "I might have known you'd be here for the wedding." "You might have known?" "Of course." "Your mistress, a woman of her station." "Where else would she go but to the royal wedding?" "Yes." "The royal wedding." "We're not going to let this stupid display of pomp interfere with us, are we?" "I'm afraid I must go now." "No, never." "But my mistress..." "I have a coach waiting." "We'll leave tonight." "That's impossible." "Nothing's impossible if you love me." "Oh, I do, I do." "My mistress!" "Please go quickly!" "Meet me here at midnight." "No, please go." "Midnight?" "Yes, yes." "Only go." "The king's emissary." "The king will receive the duke now." "Ah, yes." "Tell His Majesty we're on our way." "You bet we're on our way... in the opposite direction." "No." "Find the duke." "Bring him back." "I'll try and delay the proceedings." "You delay the proceedings." "I'll see you in about a month." "I never thought I'd have a chance like this." "Strong wind." "He must have recovered." "There's His Grace now." "Oh." "Announce His Grace." "Just passing through and I thought..." "I'd look for the powder room." "His Grace the Duke Deschamps." "Did he say the duke?" "Where?" "Oh, pardon me." "The duke?" "Is he..." "Where?" "Where'd you find him?" "I didn't, you fool." "They mean you." "Be careful." "Yeah, well..." "Me?" "Oh, you're blowing your wig." "Good-bye." "We're trapped and you'll have to see it through." "I don't feel it." "I'm bowing out of this." "If you leave, you'll be cut in bits." "If I stay... bigger chunks." "You have no choice." "Again, huh?" "Now, remember, you're the darling of France." "Yes." "Prince of the blood." "Use my lorgnette." "It's court etiquette." "You must outstare the king." "Come." "These things are for finding microbes." "Is it raining in here?" "I'm so sorry, Your Grace." "It's nothing at all." "Your coiffeur." "Come on!" "I can't see a thing." "Do the best you can." "You've got to use them." "Is that what they sent us?" "Yes, Your Majesty." "Be more aloof." "Bored." "Disdainful." "Little more right nostril." "Lorgnette." "Very amusing, my dear Deschamps." "Thank you, Your Honor..." "I mean..." "Your Majesty." "Don Francisco has already warned me of your whimsical proclivities." "My whimsical proclivities are nothing much." "They can't compare with my ludicrous ineptitudes." "So... this is the fabulous Duke Deschamps, the man whose cold steel and warm heart... have captivated the continent." "Too true." "Too, too true." "Your prowess with the sword." "A thousand men killed." "How do you do it?" "It's nothing, just a flick of the wrist." "En garde, parry, thrust." "Two dozen roses to the widow." "And..." "These stories, these hundreds of women... waiting for your kisses in every corner of France, how do you do that?" "I've got a fast horse." "To proceed." "I regret, my boy, that Princess Maria is indisposed... and cannot join this evening's celebration." "But I assure you she will be present at her own wedding tomorrow." "That's fine." "It's my first marriage." "I'd like to have all the trimmings." "The minuet in honor of your country." "Oh, thank you." "Countess." "In the absence of the princess, my niece Countess Velasquez will serve as your partner." "Do you object to the arrangement?" "Object?" "It's the nicest arrangement I've had all day." "Thank you." "Shall we dance?" "And does His Grace approve of what he sees in Spain?" "His Grace is beginning to." "Did you see that?" "He tapped me on the shoulder." "A little harmless flirtation and my Alfredo will get that ambassadorship." "Alfredo?" "What about my husband?" "What about mine?" "Or mine?" "I must talk to you alone." "Shall we say 11:00?" "Well, why not?" "Later at your place, say, 11:30?" "Oh, that's fine." "I must have a word with you about 11:45?" "11:45?" "Just a minute." "What time did you want?" "11:30." "11:45." "Check." "Your Grace..." "Midnight." "I think you better have a talk with the duke." "Why all this pampering?" "I say finish him." "Slit his throat tonight while he sleeps." "Not so fast." "You forget you deal with Deschamps, a madman with a sword." "A hotheaded, tempestuous fool." "Besides, Don Francisco has plans for the banquet." "I don't think the good duke will survive the second course." "What do you mean?" "Stupid fawning women." "They'll spoil everything." "All right, my dear." "You promised to be of help." "Go out there, dance with him... and make sure he attends the banquet tonight." "Yes." "I might squeeze you in between the marquise and the duchess." "Hmm." "I may have to take an apartment." "Well, look who's here and dancing at the duke's reception." "When did you get in court?" "How'd you get those clothes?" "And don't tell me." "Beaucaire, I must speak to you alone." "Sorry, I'm all booked up." "Listen closely." "You've got to leave Spain tonight." "You jealous?" "You're in danger." "This kind of danger I like." "Whatever you do, don't go to that banquet tonight." "It's in my honor." "Beaucaire, listen..." "Run along, girl." "You're beginning to bore me." "Your Grace..." "Sorry, I'm all filled up." "Leave your name and address." "I'll give you the first cancellation." "Next." "What a racket." "Well?" "He'll be there." "Good." "Where was I?" "Oh, yes." "I said to King Louis, I said, "Lou..." Always called him Lou." ""That's a funny mustache you've got." "It makes me laugh."" "The king said, "It tickles the queen too."" "Do you get it?" "It tickles the queen too." "It's..." "Tickles the..." "A little too fast for her." "Oh." "That's better." "Ah ah" "Ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah" "Ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah" "Warm as wine" "Every kiss is as warm as wine" "For the touch of your face on mine" "Thrills me through" "With your lips as warm as wine" "And your eyes with their April shine" "Every dream that I dare design" "Calls for you" "In the glow of the love" "Burning moments sweep me" "Burning kisses keep me" "Wanting even more than before" "Warm as wine" "Is the flame at our sacred shrine" "May the love that is yours and mine" "Stay warm as wine" "Your Majesty, may I have the honor of proposing the first toast of the evening?" "Certainly, General." "Thank you." "Ladies and gentlemen, if you please." "To the beloved sovereigns of our two great..." "Oh, just one moment." "Lackey!" "His Grace has no wine." "I haven't?" "Oh, I thought it was white wine." "Must be a hole." "If you please, Your Grace." "Oh no." "I'm dancing." "Come, come, Your Grace." "And I have to drive." "Really?" "Well, I'll..." "I enforce it." "To the beloved sovereigns of our two great nations," "Philip of Spain and Louis of France, may their wisdom endure... and peace between us be everlasting." "What's the matter, Your Grace?" "Not toasting your king?" "Well, some wines don't agree with me." "I get a strawberry rash and break out in grapes." "This wine is not made from strawberries." "Drink it." "No strawberries?" "Well..." "It probably needs a little sweetening." "Just get a little sugar." "Always helps." "Now we'll..." "Too sweet." "Just whip it up a little." "Quicksilver." "Ah, that's better." "Now..." "Toasting now." "Something wrong?" "I have a horse outside." "I'm double-parked." "It's been fun." "I'll s..." "Oh, Mimi, you were right." "I've been a fool." "And so have I, Beaucaire." "Oh, Mimi." "We've got to get out of here, out of the palace." "Out of Spain." "See he doesn't leave the palace." "All right, come on." "We'll never make it together." "Go alone." "And leave you behind?" "Never!" "But you must!" "I said never!" "They'll cut you to pieces." "I'll send for you." "I may never see you again so you've got to do me a favor." "Anything, Beaucaire." "I want you to thank your folks." "My folks?" "For making you the way you are, the way you walk, talk... and the way you make me churn inside." "Every time I look at you, I'm buttermilk up to here." "That's sweet, Beaucaire." "That first time I kissed you behind the onion sacks, every onion seemed to say to every other onion, "I love you."" "I sensed it too." "I know I'm not good enough for you." "I'm just a coward with water in my blood." "When I'm near you it starts to boil and bubble." "Every bubble starts to bubble." "Every little bubble's bubble bubbles." "Mimi, I'm fizzing' all over with love for you." "I know it, darling." "I fizzed a little myself." "Up there!" "Quickly, for your life." "Farewell, darling." "Go." "Go!" "And don't look back." "I tell you, that Deschamps is incorrigible." "Aaah!" "What's the meaning of this?" "Guards!" "Guards!" "Take this man to his room and see that he doesn't leave it." "Oh, darling." "This is madness." "We must never be parted again." "Oh, never, never." "We must leave at once." "No, darling." "We must wait until tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "It's better that way." "During the confusion of the wedding preparations," "I can slip away without danger to either of us." "Danger?" "Who's going to worry about a lackey and a maid?" "Please?" "Tonight, now." "Oh, please, my way." "Tomorrow it is." "Go quickly now, before they discover you." "'Til tomorrow." "Take him to the dungeon." "Well, Maria, I warned you." "Go to your room immediately." "Who are you?" "I understand this is the second time you molested the princess." "The princess?" "Princess?" "You mean she's Maria, princess of Spain?" "This assumed innocence will do little to save your neck." "I want the truth!" "His Majesty won't consider this a laughing matter." "He will when he finds out who I am." "Take me to the king at once." " Who are you?" " I'm the Duke Deschamps." "This ring will identify me." "So it does." "Come on, unfasten these." "Then who is that clown upstairs?" "Him?" "That's Beaucaire, my barber." "And to think I almost let him marry my princess." "Take me out of these, will you?" "Well, well." "Wouldn't it be embarrassing... if His Grace were to be detained down here a prisoner... while tomorrow... a barber marries the princess of Spain?" " This has gone far enough!" " Our poor king will be greatly upset." " War." " I demand you let me out!" "Certainly, Your Grace." "Right after the war." "The wedding will proceed as per schedule." "Spain!" "Miserable road." "Hostile country." "You had to come to the wedding." "Now, now, Louis." "I thought it a nice, friendly gesture." "Besides, you know how I am about weddings." "Do you remember ours, Louis?" "Our wedding?" "Hmm?" "Ours?" "Of course." "Forty years ago." "My dear, you were the most beautiful, radiant woman in all France." "Oh, Louis!" "Yes, my dear, you were." "When I look at you today... forty years is a long time." "What happened?" "What are those bells?" "They toll the hour of marriage." "I was hoping this place was on fire." "'Tisn't, is it?" "It's treason, I tell you, treason." "Treason or not, what happens if the duke doesn't show?" "How dare you!" "How dare you suggest such treachery." "Above all else, the Duke Deschamps is a man of honor." "If he doesn't appear, honor is dead, virtue is dead, gallantry is dead." "With us, that makes a fivesome." "Thank heaven, maybe it's he." "Maybe it's him." "It ain't he, it's him." "What's this, Your Grace?" "Not dressed?" "With all the guests assembled for the ceremony?" "There's been a slight delay." "A member of our party has not yet arrived." "An important member?" "There won't be a wedding without him." "His Grace means the wedding won't be the same without him." "Oh." "I thought the delay was occasioned by that peculiar incident this morning." "Oh, no." "We..." "What incident?" "Oh, nothing at all." "Just some poor scoundrel dressed as a lackey... shouting that he was the Duke Deschamps." "Duke Deschamps?" "That's impossible." "I've been here all the time." "Of course." "The poor devil..." "What did you do to him?" "Incidentally, he had your ring, wh-where is he?" "Obviously stolen from Your Grace." "What did you do with him?" "What do you suppose we would do... with a lackey caught impersonating royalty?" "I asked you first." "We stand him against the wall." "The men raise their rifles and bing." "Bing?" "What a horrible thought." "I have one or two things I must attend to." "If I don't see you again until later, good luck." "I have a few things..." "Not nervous, Your Grace." "Oh, no, no." "It's just nothing." "You won't need this." "No, I've already done my nails." "We'll, let's..." "How 'bout getting dressed first?" "Is it going to be formal?" "Valet?" "Allow me, Your Grace." "Here, sir." "Your Grace." "Is this the formal job?" "Yes, sir." "Not so tight." "Who is it?" "The king and queen of France." "He's in France!" "If Your Majesties will proceed to the throne room," "I'll inform King Philip of your arrival." "Thank you." "Also notify the Duke Deschamps." "It shall be done." "I must see the duke." "Sorry." "He's busy with the general." "Oh!" "I..." "General, one moment." "The king and queen of France have arrived for the wedding." "Louis?" "Here?" "What a stroke of luck." "Your men know what to do?" "The moment the barber marries Maria, they produce Deschamps." "Excellent." "General?" "What do you mean, "produce Deschamps?" You're very clever." "I don't know what your little game is, but it's over." "We have the real Deschamps in chains." "Oh no!" "Oh yes!" "This is a wonderful surprise, Louis." "I must admit, you're a brave man." "Thank you very much, I..." "Brave man?" "Spain is an armed camp." "Fifty thousand men waiting to March." "I've been sorely tempted to give the order." "What do you mean?" "The Duke Deschamps." "Deschamps?" "Yes." "I realize he's a splendid swordsman." "But are all your young noblemen so... so peculiar?" "Philip, I swear, I don't understand." "Deschamps is one of our most charming," "Most..." "His Highness the Duke Deschamps." "Fellows, let's not rush into this." "I'm a little warm." "I better get..." "If it pleases Your Grace." "Most debonair." "Oh." "Your Majesty!" "Thank heaven you've arrived in time." "Deschamps, my boy." "Delighted to see you." "But I..." "Louis, what is this?" "Aren't you going to say hello to the duke, my dear?" "What?" "Say hello to the duke!" "Oh!" "My dear boy." "Let's not overdo this." "You remember me, I used..." "Never looked better in your life, my boy." "Never!" "Never!" "If I'm lucky, I might even live to be 30." "We're not going through with this, are we?" "I, that is, the duke..." "Feeling nervous, are we?" "When I think of all the times he scoffed at other people's marriage." "But, please..." "But then, " He jests at scars that never felt a wound." How true." "Who said that?" "Let him marry her." "Shakespeare." "What wit." "You don't suppose he's really the duke?" "I certainly intend to find out." "Are you quite ready to start the ceremony?" "Yes, by all means." "We mustn't keep the lovebirds apart." "Is that the man I'm going to marry?" "Don't you think that's carrying patriotism a little too far?" "Shh." "Come." "Oh, but sire, please, I can't marry her." "You've got to." "It's all our necks." "But I love Mimi." "Shut up!" "Mimi?" "Who's Mimi?" "You remember, Mimi." "Pompadour?" "Oh, yes, of course." "Mimi!" "Louis!" "Shut up." "Tell me, Your Majesty, is he really a good barber?" "Best I ever had." "Why I haven't had a good shave since he..." "Good?" "Why I can hone a razor in just..." "Thank you, Your Majesty." "Our carriage is outside." "We'll wait two minutes." "If you can't make it, France will always be grateful." "Good luck." "But, Your Majesty!" "Shall we proceed, Your Grace?" "No, we won't." "I've got a mind of my own and I say..." "Well, when you put it that way." "All right, bring him out." "Where are you taking me?" "Has the wedding started yet?" "Help me!" "Who are you?" "Never mind." "Get upstairs quickly." "You?" "You're the girl..." "You were out..." "Look, I'm..." "What are you doing here?" "I believe I'm to be your bride." "You are?" "Oh, that's too bad." "'Til death do us part." "They're working on that." "Join hands." "Have you the ring?" "The ring!" "No!" "I le..." "Naturally." "Join hands." "The purpose of this assembly on this solemn occasion... and in the presence..." "Turn around." "Look at the wedding." "Is to join together in holy wedlock..." "Deschamps escaped." "Wait!" "Guards!" "Stop the king and queen of France!" "General Francisco, what is the meaning of this outrageous behavior?" "I accuse Louis of France of deliberately trying... to palm off on the princess of Spain... not a prince of the blood, not the Duke Deschamps, but Monseiur Beaucaire, a common French barber." "Don't call me common." "Preposterous!" "The man lies." "Yes." "You bet he does." "Just for that, I'm not going to marry anybody." "Nothing personal." "Come on, King." "We're stuck." "This man is Monseiur Beaucaire, a common barber!" "Are you going to accept that?" "Well, a man's entitled to an opinion." "Slap him back." "You're lucky I haven't got a sword." "You keep out of this!" "General, I have long been aware of your plots against the peace of our country." "But this time you've gone too far." "Deschamps, you will be doing Spain a great honor... if you will put an end to this scoundrel with a Spanish sword." "But, sire, you sure you want to do this?" "After all, it's awfully one-sided." "Nonsense." ""En garde, parry, thrust." "And there's two dozen roses to the widow."" "The choice long-stem ones, they're out of season." "Let's wait 'til spring." "En garde!" "Wait a minute!" "Touché!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" " En garde!" " En garde?" "En garde!" "En garde!" "Well!" "There..." "En garde!" "Oh!" "I'm sorry, I hooked you." "Here." "En garde!" "Here you are." " En garde!" " Too late." "Oh!" "Oh!" "En garde!" "Oh!" "All right, Francisco." "Thank heavens!" "It's the duke." "Get him, Deschamps." "Who?" "The Duke Deschamps, the man I sent to marry your daughter." "Duke Deschamps." "Beaucaire, darling, are you hurt?" "Your arms, legs." "I don't know." "We'll take inventory later." "Hurry." "I have a carriage waiting." "With a nurse?" "That's it." "Give him what for!" "There, sire, is the man who would rule Spain." "Guards, after him!" "Oh, hurry." "They're after us." "What are we going to do?" "We can't stay here." "We can't go back to France." "We'll find a place." "There must be some country where you can die of old age." "You're next, Mr. Washington." "Good morning, Beaucaire." "Morning, sir." "The usual?" "If you please." "You might have Mrs. Beaucaire manicure my nails." "Mimi?" "How are you today, Mr. Washington?" "Splendid, thank you." "My, you have been neglecting them." "I'm afraid I have." "Something special going on today, Mr. Washington?" "Jefferson and the boys are cooking up some sort of a declaration or something." "I thought I might go over and watch them sign it." "By the way, you better have these boots touched up." "Yes." "Boy?" "Shine, boy." "Yes, sir." "Right away, sir." "Thank you, sir." "This could only happen in America." "Look what happened on the way over."