"Hello?" "Nobody likes me." "How do you know that, Mr. Carlin?" "Well, because last night I was thinking about it, so I took a paper and pencil... and, uh, I made a list of all my closest friends." "And you know what?" " What?" "Not one person on that list likes me." "Well, let's get into the list." "Who's on the list?" "Well... there's, uh, three guys from work... my landlady, the guy at the gas station... and you." "Well, that's not entirely true, Mr. Carlin." "Uh, I like you." "That's 'cause I pay you to like me." "If I weren't paying you, would you be sitting here talking to me like this?" "No." "There you are." "Yeah, but, Mr. Carlin, that doesn't mean I don't like you." "I mean, I-I see patients who pay me that I don't like." "You tell 'em you don't like 'em?" " No." "There you are again." "Mr. Carlin, you're sort of in a rut." "Um, I think what you need is a change." "Now, we have a long weekend coming up, and, uh... well, I don't usually tell my patients this... but, Mr. Carlin, get out of town." "Okay." " No, no, I don't mean now." "I mean, over the long weekend." "Oh, I thought when you said get out... that you, uh, had enough of me, that you didn't have any more time for me." "Now, wasn't that silly?" " Yeah." "I'm sorry for taking your name off the list." "But unfortunately our time is up." "Mr. Carlin, hi." "I didn't see you when you came in." "I was at lunch." "How's everything?" " Oh, fine." "Good." "It's really good to see you." "She doesn't like me either." "That's ridiculous, Mr. Carlin." "You could see how happy she was to see you." "Oh, sure, she's happy to see me here... but she wouldn't be so happy to see me on the street or at a dance." "Mr. Carlin, take my advice and get out of town for a few days." "All right, I will... but I won't meet anybody that likes me." "Of course she likes me." "That's her business." "Who's next?" " Nobody." "Well, that's it for me." "I'm gonna pack it in for the weekend" "Hey, Bob, you wanna watch the Bears game with me on television this Sunday?" "It's a home game." "It's not on television." "It's blacked out." "Not in Milwaukee, and I got reservations at the best motel there." "No, I don't think so, Jerry." "Carol?" "Pass." "What's the matter, Mr. Carlin?" " Can I use the phone in your office?" "Sure." " My car was just towed away." "I only hope it was by the police." "Who is that guy?" " Oh, that's Mr. Carlin." "He's a patient of mine." "Why?" "I don't know." "Something about him I don't like." "Hi, honey." " Hi, dear." "Honey, you know, we got a long three-day weekend coming up... and I thought it'd be sort of fun... if we just got away from work and people for a couple days." "Well, isn't that kind of last minute?" "Yeah, but that's what makes it so good, you know." "We've never done it before." "We just go wherever we wanted to and take whatever we wanted with us." "You know, Bob, that's a great idea." "Oh, just tell me where we're going so I know what to pack." "Well, it doesn't matter, just pack clothes." "What kind of clothes?" "I mean, clothes for dining... clothes for dancing, hiking, sunning, swimming - what kind of clothes?" "Now I know why we never did this before." "All right, Emily." "If it'll be easier... we'll decide on a place we're gonna go, so you'll know what to pack." "Where would you like to go?" " All right, uh" "How about San Francisco?" "Now, I've never been to San Francisco." "San Francisco." "Great." "You got it." "Okay." " Emily, you will love San Francisco." "It is one of the great cities." "They have great restaurants and great nightclubs," "We'll have a great time." "Hello?" "When does your next flight leave for San Francisco?" "Uh, Bob, uh, are you making reservations on an airplane?" "Yes." "Well, you know I'm afraid to fly." "Excuse me a minute." "Emily, I thought you got over that when we flew down to Mexico City." "No, that just made me positive that I'm afraid to fly." "Yeah, but this won't bother you 'cause we won't have to fly over a volcano." "Bob, I'm afraid to fly and that's it." " Hold on just a minute." "Uh, Emily, I feel an obligation to try this just one more time." "Your fear of flying is entirely in your head." "There is no basis in reality for your fear of flying." "No chance." "I just felt I had to try it one more time." "Yeah, you don't have a plane that taxis to San Francisco, do you?" "I was afraid of that." "Thank you very much." "Emily, why did you do that to me?" "Why did you give me San Francisco... and then take it away from me?" " Why do we have to fly anywhere?" "Why are we in such a hurry?" "Oh, hi, Howard." " Hi, Emily." "Come on in." " Oh, thank you." "Hi, Bob." "Hi Howard" " Whatcha doing?" "I'm just looking in an atlas." "Emily and I are trying to decide where to go over the weekend." "Oh, maybe Howard could help us." "Howard, where would you go if you had three days?" "How about Bangkok?" "Well, we kinda wanted to stay in America, Howard." "America." "That's a toughie." "Uh..." "San Francisco's nice." "Yeah, we know that, but Emily doesn't like to fly." "Oh, that's right." "You know, I don't understand it, Emily." "I mean, I love to fly, and everybody knows how safe it is." "It's not gonna work, Howard." " Right." "Emily, Emily, look at this." "Now I've drawn a circle around Chicago... and it's a 300-mile radius because that's about as far as you can go without flying." "Now just pick a spot and we'll go there." "Oh, I don't know." "Oh, how about Akron?" "I don't wanna go to Akron." " Wise." "Emily, just close your eyes and point at the map... and wherever your finger lands, that's where we'll go." "Oh, that's fun." "Okay, we'll go... here." "Well, how do you like it?" "Oh, I just love it." "Yeah?" "I knew you'd like it." "How about you, sir?" "It's cute." "I'm just sorry there's no snow, you know?" "I've been manager of this ski resort for eight seasons now... and this is the hottest winter we ever had." "You never know-it could snow just like that, and this place would be all filled up." "We don't mind, do we, Emily?" " Not at all." "Oh, really?" "Most people come up here for the snow, you know." "We didn't." " Oh." "I get it." "Well, the mattress is orthopedic." "And your bathroom's right in here." "Everything works." "And there's your radio there." "That doesn't work." "And if you need ice, all you do is pick up the phone, you got ice." "I'm sorry, if things were right, you could just scrape it right off the front porch." "Thank you very much." " Ah." "If you folks wanna be alone, you know, you picked the right place." "There's only one other couple in this whole place." "One other couple." "That's great." "Yeah." "I sure hope you get show though." "It's so pretty to look at, even if you never get outside." "Here's your key." "Oh, I know what you're thinking." "You're thinking just because I'm the manager of this resort... you're wondering if you'd offend me by offering me a tip." "That's exactly what I was thinking." "You wouldn't offend me at all." "Thanks." "Have a nice weekend." "If you need ice, just pick up the phone." "Oh, Bob, isn't this great?" "I mean, this cozy place right in the middle of nowhere." "Yeah, and we're the only ones here." "That's so great." "Oh, it's perfect." "Oh, he must have forgotten something." "Bob, I think someone is knocking on our bathroom door." "Hi." "We're the Millers." "I'm Hal and this is my wife, Connie." " Hello." "How are you?" "Yeah thought we might as well be friendly since we're sharing the same bathroom." "Sh-Sharing the same bathroom?" "Yeah, we have the cabin on the other side of the bathroom." "There's a cabin on the other side of the bathroom?" "Same as this one, except I think our pictures are prettier." "Huh, Connie?" " Well, they probably want to unpack" "Let's leave them alone." " Oh, one thing." "Do you like to shower at night or in the morning?" "Hal." " All right." "Well, we'll talk to you later." "Come on." "Move it." "Move it." "I don't know." "I think our pictures are nice." "You can have a table near the window or by the fireplace." "Or, uh, what about one right in the center of the room?" "As you can see, we still have some very good tables still available." "Yeah, this will be fine." "Oh, that's one of our better tables." "You know, I thought I saw some snowflakes before." "You know what it was?" "It was just the maid shaking out a pillow upstairs." "Uh, here." "These are your menus." "I'll be back in a little while just to take your order." "I really want to apologize for the weather." "I just can't understand it." "It's usually snowing like crazy at this point." "You know, Bob, I feel sorry for him, but I'm glad for us." "I mean, this place is just perfect." "I know, 'cause we wanted to get away from people." "Uh-oh." "Don't say anything." "Maybe he won't notice us." "Hi there." "If we don't wanna sit with them, we don't have to sit with them." "Just tell them." " Right." "Do you mind if we sit with you?" " Not at all." "Well, wait." "Maybe we shouldn't intrude." "Maybe they wanna be alone." "Well, that really" " It's all right." "You don't have to explain." "It's okay." "We'll, uh, we'll uh, sit, uh, right here." "I really can't tell you how happy we were... to finally hear something through the cabin wall" "It really has been boring these last two days with just him to talk to." "You wanna hear how I broke my leg?" "How'd you break your leg?" " Skiing." "How can you ski when there's no snow?" "Oh, I found snow, but it ran out on me." "You folks ready to order dinner now?" "Oh, I haven't even had a chance to look at the menu." "Listen, can I make a suggestion?" "Try the creamed chicken in the basket." "My wife and I will have the creamed chicken in the basket." "Two creamed chicken in the basket." "Oh, how about you folks?" "Uh, have the creamed chicken in the basket." "We're, uh, we're not really chicken people." "Oh." " Why don't you order, Emily?" "Okay, I'll have the creamed chicken in the basket." "That's a good choice." " Well, why not try it?" "Maybe it's good." "I mean, after all, Hal and-They liked it." "I am not going to take a chance." "I don't like chicken." "I'm not going to have chicken." "How are the scallops?" "Oh, they're great." "When we got 'em." "We don't happen to have 'em right now." "But when we do, boy, they're terrific." "I'll have the, uh, steak sandwich, medium." "Steak, huh?" "Look, I gotta be honest with you." "You see, with only four people in the whole place... it'd be kind of foolish to make up the entire menu." "So let me just tell you what we got out in the kitchen." "Huh?" "It'll make it easier for you to decide." "We got four orders of creamed chicken." "I think I'll try the creamed chicken." " Right." "That's a good choice." "Now, Bob, don't be upset." "Now don't let it get to you." "We're together... and we're gonna have a lot of fun." " Hey hey Bob." "Sign my leg" "Come on, sign my leg, Bob." " No, I don't think" "Come on." "I only have one other signature on it-hers." "Come on, Bob." " I don't have a pen." "I got a pen." "Here, Bob, sign it." "Come on, Bob." "Come on." "Put the old signature right on there, huh?" "Don't feel left out." "You're next." "What do you do for a buck, Bob?" " I'm a psychologist." "Find that interesting work?" " Yes, I do." "Put your phone number down too." "I know someone who could use your services." "Thank you, Bob." "Bob, Bob, I have a headache." "Oh, I'll see if they have some aspirin." " No, no, no, Bob." "I don't think you understand, Bob." "I have a headache." "Oh, that headache." " Yeah." "My wife has a headache." " Oh." "I think maybe we'd better" " Yeah." "Just go." " And now it's show time." "Take your seats, ladies and gentlemen." "Go on, sit back, relax and enjoy the show." "Am I on?" " Yeah." "Huh?" "Okay, folks, it's my pleasure to introduce to you at this time... a fella who is not only a great cook but a fine juggler also... your chef and mine, Sanford Hettie." "Sanford." "This is great, Bob." "Wait till you see this." "Bob, let's get out of here." " First chance we get." "Hey!" " Hey, hey, Sanford Hettie, ladies and gentlemen." "Great going, Sanford." "My compliments to the chef." "Oh, Sanford." "Sanford four creamed chicken in a basket Make it snappy" "Wasn't he great, huh?" "All right now, now I'd like to introduce to you.." "Those great guys from Green Bay, back for their ninth consecutive season... the one and only, the fabulous Omm-Pah-Pahs!" "Hey!" "It ain't Vegas, but it ain't bad." "Bob!" " First chance we get." "You know, the Omm-Pah-Pahs have gained a lot of great fame... as a group in this neck of the woods... but not too many people know them individually." "So let's take the opportunity to get to meet them individually, one by one." "First, on the tuba, Don." "Hey Don." "Next, on the boom bass, let's hear it for Marv." "Hey!" "Hey!" "And now, on the accordion, the leader of the group... the one and only-Dave." "Okay." "J Omm-pah-pah, omm-pah-pah J" "J Omm-pah-pah Omm-pah-pah J" "All right now, what do you say?" "Let's all join in." "Let's all the men go omm-pah-pah like I was just doing." "What do you say?" "J Omm -pah -pah J Come on, Bob." "J Omm-pah-pah J" "It's a lot of fun." " J Omm-pah-pah, omm-pah-pah J" "Come on!" " J Omm-pah-pah, omm-pah-pah J" "J Omm-pah-pah J All right now, men and women together." "Bob, I can't stand it." "When can we get outta here?" "J Omm-pah-pah, omm-pah-pah J" " When can we get outta here?" "After the applause." "J Pah-pah J" "J' Omm-pah-pah Omm-pah-pah _r" "J Omm-pah-pah J" "J Omm-pah-pah J" "All right now, big finish." "J Omm-pah-pah-pah J" "Now!" "Men's room." " Uh, me too." "This is good." "Mm, delicious hamburgers, Bob." "Where'd you get 'em?" "A place just down the road called McClusky's." "These are McClusky burgers." "You know, Bob, it's really funny." "What?" " The whole thing." "Yeah, somehow I think it'll be funnier three or four years from now." "Emily, I think..." "I think we oughta get outta here." "Now?" "Why?" "Oh, here you are." "You forgot this." "What is it?" " It's two orders of creamed chicken." "Here, you better take it from the bottom." "It's coming through the bag." "I'll see you at the campfire, huh?" "The campfire." "Okay, that's it." "You know he's gonna come back for us." "Let's pack and get outta here." " All right." "He forgot something." "Close the door, Bob." "Close the door." "Oh, I hate to disturb you guys like this... and I wouldn't if I weren't in a real mess." "What's the matter?" " Connie and me have split." "Oh, no!" "That's too bad." "I hate to dump this on you guys." "There's nobody to talk to." "I'd love to help you with your problem, but Emily and I are checking out." "Checking out?" "Bob, you can't check out." "Are you kidding, Bob?" "This is your business." "You can't check out, Bob." "Bob, you gotta help me." "Please help me, Bob." "Well, I'll listen while we pack." "Want me to lie down on the bed?" "No, no, just tell me what the problem is between you and your wife, briefly." "That's rather hard, Bob." "I mean, I don't know the medical, technical lingo you guys use, you know?" "You and your wife are having a fight?" " That's it." "What's the fight about?" "She always says I'm putting her down." "She's so stupid." "Do you put her down, Hal?" "Oh, I kid her, but I love her." "I think she's the greatest." " Have you ever told her that?" "I married her, didn't I?" "I think you oughta tell her." "Oh?" "Really?" "Well, I think you should tell her that you care about her... and you wanna please her, you think she's the greatest and, uh, and you love her." "Bob, that's..." "That's beautiful, Bob." "That's fantastic, Bob." "That's really great." "No wonder you guys make so much dough." "You're the greatest, Bob." "Bob, that really was beautiful." "What?" " What you told Hal." "I mean, it was so right." "You know, I've never seen you work before, and I didn't know how good you are." "Pack!" "Pack!" "I don't think I said it right." "Yeah, it sounded like you got off the track there someplace." "Look, Bob, when you said it, it was beautiful." "When I said it, I didn't even like it." "If she could only hear you say it, Bob." "If you could go in there and tell her just..." "What are you doing?" "Are you in this room... telling these strangers about our personal life?" "Go ahead, tell her, Bob." "Tell her." "Go ahead, Bob." "Tell her." "Tell her how you love her and how much you care for her." "Just like you told me, Bob." "Go ahead." "I don't..." "I don't remember exactly what I said." "I was packing at the time." "You tell her." "Tell her what you told me." "Oh, just a minute." "Who do you think you are... to tell him what to tell me, huh?" "I mean, just because you're a shrink, that does not give you a license... to go butting into other people's lives." "Just a minute now!" "We're on vacation." "Let's not forget who knocked on whose bathroom door first." "Now, you've been bugging us ever since we got here." "Uh, hold on there, lady." "Don't put her down like that." "After all, we may be having our problems, but she's still my wife." "And, uh, I love her." "Really?" "You haven't said that in a long time." "Butt out." "Now, if we've been bugging you, we're not gonna bug you anymore." "You understand that?" "We're gonna go into our own cabin, and we're gonna go to bed" "You haven't said that in a long time either." "Well, don't expect miracles in this cast." "Come on." "Move!" "Move!" "Move!" "Oh, Bob, I'm so sorry." "I mean, I have never lost my temper like that... with anyone but the family." "Honey, don't apologize." "Whatever you said, I think you patched up their marriage." "You really think so?" "No." "Pack." " Pack." "Nope, that's it, honey." "We didn't forget anything." "I don't have anything." "Do you have anything?" " Yeah." "Huh?" "What did I tell you?" "Snow!" "Huh?" "Isn't that great?" "Great, but we're checking out." "You can't do that." " Why can't we?" "You're snowed in." "You'd never make it down the hill." "Oh, no." "Oh, don't feel bad." "The Omm-Pah-Pahs are snowed in too." "Yeah, they're gonna be performing for every meal." "No extra charge." "Excuse me." "Hey, folks." "Hey, it finally happened." "It's snowing Isn't that fantastic, huh?" "Emily?" " Hmm?" "I think I got your headache." "No, no, you don't, because I've still got it." "Unpack." "Unpack."