"PIERRE, A HAPPY MAN" "This story is both beautiful and horrible." "Most stories are." "The world is full of contradictions." "Nothing exists, unless its opposite exists as well." "Good rubs shoulders with Evil, Life with Death, and intelligence with human idiocy." "I know this dual world well." "I've devoted my life to it." "I am a quantum physicist." "You, I, him, this table, them - we are all part of one whole, linked by a fascinating, mysterious phenomenon:" "quantum physics." "The infinitesimally small is so small that we come to doubt that we even exist." "The discovery of wave-particle duality compels us to question everything we think we know." "It is energy and it is matter, but it doesn't become matter until we observe it." "Fascinating!" "All humanity and our whole world could well be merely the reflection of our own thoughts." "Consciousness, the mind, the soul, could be an eternal flow of energy which is and has always been." "Matter?" "A grand illusion." "Reality?" "Simply a question of perception." "May I?" "A briefcase." "Thank you." "We know already that we won't find a car or a piano inside." "What is this?" " A sheet of paper?" "No." "It's an airplane." "Now what is it?" "A plane crash?" "Good." "You're getting the idea." "But no, it's a ball of paper." "It's also an airplane, and it is still a sheet of paper." "And now?" " A sheet of paper?" "Not at all." "It's the account for your tuition fees." "You see, everything depends on how we perceive things." "The class ended 5 minutes ago." "I won't keep you any longer." "Thank you." "Hello?" "Mr. Pébret!" "It's been a while." "What can I do for you?" "Died?" "I'm sorry to hear that." "It comes to us all, doesn't it?" "To each in his own time." "Aunt Jeanne?" "My Aunt Jeanne?" "No, I haven't seen her for ages." "Not since she left for Canada, I was 7 or 8 years old." "It's pretty late." "Can't this wait until tomorrow?" "An inn?" "All right." "I'm on my way." "Aunt Jeanne in Canada..." "Her death reminded me that life goes by as quickly as a day at the fair the summer I turned 6." "Buried deep in my thoughts," "I rediscovered the small boy who dreamed of adventure, snow and lands far away." "Oh, yes." "The phone." "Hello?" "Yes, darling." "I'm just leaving, darling." "Yes..." "No, darling..." "I'm sorry, princess." "I was lost in the snow." "I mean, it's Aunt Jeanne." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "I'm leaving." "Yes." "I'm leaving." "That was my daughter Catherine." "Here was my chance to take her far away from Paris to a place where I could teach her my philosophy of happiness." "If I could convince her to come." "Darling, I'm going to Canada, and so are you." "No." "That won't work." "Princess, did I ever mention Aunt Jeanne?" "Well, she died and we're going to join her." "That won't work either." "Catherine!" "Yes, sweetheart." "No, I had to see the notary." "Yes." "About a contract..." "It's complicated." "Yes, yes." "No, I know I shouldn't talk on the phone when I'm driving, but remember, you called me!" "I'll be there soon." "Yes." "Yes!" "Yes!" "What a temper..." "Catherine, pack your bags." "The New World awaits us." "Canada!" "You're mad." "Why on earth did you agree?" "The notary had already left me several messages." "Who wants her cabin in Canada?" "It's miles from anywhere." "An innkeeper in Canada." "Far from the big city rat race." "It would be good for me." "Your mind is going." "And your social instincts." "Hello." "What?" "He's going to let that inexperienced slut do the interview of my career?" "The man has no balls!" "Correction: he has got balls." "That's the problem." "Because the slut's main talent is snuggling into his lap!" "She mustn't write it alone." "Yes." "Thanks." "Talk to you later." "Listen to this." "A picturesque village with 400 inhabitants on the banks of the majestic Saguenay River fjord." "400?" "1 ,200 people came to the last party the paper threw." "A new life, isn't it great?" " No." "I have a life here in Paris." "And I think you should find an apartment of your own and settle down too." "You know..." "Since Claudia left us," "I need to see you more often." "I know." "But four nights a week is a lot." "And Mother died 10 years ago." "I have my life to live, I have a career, a boyfriend..." "You say you don't love him." " That's not the point." "He models in GQ, he looks like a Greek god, that's all I ask." "Look!" "The will." "Do you realize we're the last of the family?" "Stop carrying on about it." "You never saw Aunt Jeanne again." "I can't!" "My whole body feels orphaned." "My DNA's in mourning." "It's biological." "My every cell howls in loneliness." "Right." "Think about my DNA, that'll calm you down." "We had more than enough emotion for one night." "Sleep tight, Daddy." "Where's my Pekoe?" "Oh, there you are, sweetie." "Time for beddy-byes?" "Don't close the door." "Suddenly you're afraid of the dark?" "Sometimes I think you have a mental age of 5." "I'll leave the door open, but turn out the light." "Come on, time for beddy-byes." "There we go, sweetie." "Good night, Daddy." "Good night, princess." "Know what?" "To inherit Aunt Jeanne's estate, we must meet one condition:" "to live in the inn for a year and a day." "Objection, Your Honour." "Please allow my client to serve his time in his own country." "Lights out, please." "Or else all her property will go to the municipality of St. Simone du Nord." "What if it's the call of the wild?" "The only call I'm expecting is from that rat Jean-Luc." "But not until tomorrow." "I'm going to sleep!" "Lights, please." "Usually we turn it off with the switch." "Princess!" "You're going to be able to start your own paper." "Aunt Jeanne has left us $1 ,673,000!" "More than a million euros." "A million euros?" "This is the call of the wild!" "We have to get dressed." " Let's get dressed." "Welcome to Montreal's Trudeau International Airport." "It's 3:20 local time and the temperature is -22°C." "Thank you for flying Air Transat." "On behalf of captain Bonin and all the crew, we wish you a pleasant stay and hope to see you again, next time you travel." "On behalf of Air Transat, thank you." "I knew full well that it was the money that convinced her." "That was her only reason for coming to Canada." "But I would show her thejoys of nature, wide-open spaces and simple things." "Seen from the sky, everything is small." "Infinitely small." "It's obvious that we are all linked together." "Is it over?" "Are we there yet?" "One last short trip by car and we'll be there." "Hello, hello!" "Michel Dolbec, Mayor of St. Simone du Nord." "Ma'am." " Hello." "This way." "Here we are." "And the last one..." "Poor Pekoe." "Such a long trip for such a good dog." "It's like being aboard the QEII." "Will we dock tonight, or tomorrow at dawn?" "Dear God." "It's the end of the world." "It's so quiet." " Oh yeah." "Quiet as the grave." "Hear that?" "No." "I don't hear anything." "Princess." "Daddy, this isn't going to work." "Of course it is, sweetheart." "You're tired." "It's a long trip and you're jet-lagged." "Climb out and look around." "They don't look French." "No, they look Eskimo." "Listen." "You go in the back." "We don't want to scare them." "Come in and get warm." "Is that the inn?" "Oops, the sandwiches." "No, it's over there." "The old, rickety one." "Typical, isn't it, darling?" "Hello there!" "C'mon in before you freeze to a frazzle!" "Watch how you talk or they won't understand." "They aren't used to our accent." "Please." "Do come in." "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon." "Strip off and thaw." "Let me take your coats." "Let me help you." " Thank you." "Thanks, I'll keep mine on." "Mr. Martin, Ma'am, as Mayor of St. Simone du Nord," "I'm extremely pleased to welcome you officially." "We're so happy to meet you!" "Shall we French-kiss?" "We could start with a hug, don't you think?" "Oh dear, he's scaring the sweet little doggie." "May I introduce Killer?" "No, the dog." "My faithful hound." "That's Steven, my son." "He's 27." "In 3 years he'll be 30 and all grown up." "If we're lucky." "Wow, cool!" " That's half his vocabulary." "That's not cool!" " That's the other half." "Michel, he's not a retard." "That's the way young people talk these days." "Go back and finish what you were doing, dear." "What?" "Shove off." "No, thank you." "You'll be pleased to know this is an offer to buy the inn." "A generous offer, since it's falling to pieces." "That's not your fault." "But we can't leave you with a dump like that on your hands." "Also, I feel a bit responsible." "We really liked your aunt... er..." "Jeanne." " That's right." "No, thank you." "When I saw your suitcases," "I figured you'd be staying for a few days." "Let me stop you right there." "We're not staying a few days." "No?" "You'll be pleased to hear that we're not going back." "We're staying." "What do you mean, staying?" "From the verb "to stay" ." "The opposite of "to leave"." "We're staying." "Yes!" "We're taking over Aunt Jeanne's inn." "Oh." "Aren't you pleased?" "Steven, turn off that damned video, it's driving me nuts!" "I've told you time and again!" "I'll bust it over your friggin' head!" "Typical." "Delighted." "Never been so delighted in my life." "Thrilled to death." "Daddy, we should go." "Our friends are tired." "Give us the key." " What for?" "Didn't you hear?" "We're tired." "Gimme the key to the inn." "Daddy!" "They're staying." "Blast it." "It's pretty." "It's picturesque." "I think we're unwelcome here." "Oh, no." "We just witnessed an intergenerational conflict." "Would you undo this?" "They're country people." "They don't express their emotions." "I can't get a signal." " There's a phone and power." "No, I'm sure we'll all get along beautifully." "It really is the back of beyond." "They're staying, blast them." "They're moving into my inn!" "It's not really your inn." "They don't want to sell." "I am not going to have another generation of Frenchies in my inn." "Don't be like that!" "I think they look nice." "Lulu, no more aliens in St. Simone." "Ever again." "My mouth hurts." "My whole face hurts." "I can't talk all pinched like that for long." "You see?" "They'll last a week." "Then they'll be gone." "Count on it." "Shall we go up to that big double bed?" "If you lock the door, sweetie." "Oh no." "Everything is frozen." "The dolt" " I told him not to leave the luggage in the cold." "It's so droll." "Look, it's frozen stiff." "Very funny." "Just look at my cream." "Hard as a rock." "It's ruined." "It's good for nothing now." "What are you doing up so early?" "I'm watching my inn." "You and your inn!" "If your father hadn't been so stingy, and so dumb..." "He shouldn't have had to buy his brothers out." "He was the eldest." "He should have inherited it automatically." "Well, well, look who's here." "If it isn't Michel Dolbec." "It's been a while." "Did somebody die?" "Yes and no." "Those Frenchies slept at my inn last night." "Your inn?" "Your inn?" "The inn doesn't belong to anybody now." "Before that Frenchwoman had it, it was my grandfather's, and it was built on my great-grandfather's land." "Quit whining, Michel Dolbec." "Anyone can buy it." "Not if the Frenchies move in." "Not if they won't sell." "Not if they stay." "If they want to stay, it's no skin off your nose." "What do you mean, if they stay?" "Stay." "From the verb "not go back home" ." "Get it?" "Big Joe." "If you help me get rid of them," "I'll see that you get helluva plumbing contract from the municipality." "Start by giving back the one you cancelled last year." "That wasn't my decision." "The town council decided that, I'll have you know." "Go ahead." "Let him in." "Come in." "Shut the door." "It's cold outside." "Aliens!" "I'll tell you this: no way are Frenchies going to settle here." "St. Simone belongs to us!" "It's our home, and we're a family." "We must protect our village, the land of our ancestors." "They're planning to buy up everything and tear it down, to build a big hotel complex." "Don't we have enough already?" "It starts with an inn, and next thing you know they've bought the whole province." "Yes, Mario." "Excuse me, Mr. Mayor." "But..." "Yes?" "Aren't the French our ancestors?" "The Frenchies came yesterday and they're about my age." "Who ever heard of ancestors the same age as us?" "Where did you get an idea like that?" "Any more smart questions?" "Yeah!" " Yes, Méo." "Are we going to get a skidoo trail this winter?" "The municipal council has always opposed a snowmobile trail." "I said so during the election campaign and I'll say it again." "It attracts foreigners who drive like maniacs." "Make a snowshoe trail instead." "A snowshoe crash is less painful." "Anyway, that's not what we're here to discuss." "Yes, Steven?" "Are we gonna get a snowmobile trail this year?" "Blast it, didn't you hear what I just said?" "Pay attention, dear." "Never mind the snowmobile trail." "I'm talking about the red, white and blue peril!" "But what can we do?" "I'll tell you." "There's an old French... er..." "...Chinese proverb that says keep your friends close to you and your enemies even closer." "Did you get that?" "Any more questions?" "Aunt Jeanne..." "Thank you." "Darling, it's almost Nirvana!" "Your Nirvana needs work." "The plumbing is finished, the bathroom's a wreck, and all the doors stick." "Good!" "We start from scratch!" " Oh, yes." "Company!" "Who can it be?" " Wow." "The suspense!" "Mr. Mayor!" "What a pleasant surprise." "Good morning, sir!" "Ma'am..." " Morning." "Mr. Martin, allow me to wish you a happy day among us." "We figured that the French eat croissants." "So here they are." "Oh!" "Thank you, that's very kind." "Thanks so much." "With a nice hot coffee, they're something else." "No." "Thank you." "I'm sure we'll enjoy them." "Goodbye!" "One more thing..." "So they don't get stale." "Have a lovely day." "They're not so dumb." "It may be harder than you think to stay close to your enemies." "Quit clowning and come on." "Okay." "Don't get your knickers in a twist." "You'll have a heart attack." "Right." "I started a to-do list." "How can you eat that?" "It's not fit for a dog." "Daddy!" "You gave that muck to Pekoe?" "That's disgusting!" " It's very good." "Don't you realize?" "Pekoe is French!" "It'll make him sick!" "After that muck, what's he brought now?" "Daddy, I'm telling you I don't like that man." "Give it a good kick at the bottom!" "Who is it?" "It always sticks." "It's a man with a turtle." "Oh, how typical!" "Mario Vaillant." "I worked at the inn." "I live across the road." " How do you do." "Pierre Martin." "My daughter Catherine." "My darling." " How do you do." "Please come in." "May I offer you some coffee?" "Do that." "And a croissant." "What's your turtle's name?" " Felicity." "Funny name, isn't it?" "It belonged to Jeanne." "She really loved her turtle." "I've been taking care of it since... since she left us." "What's wrong?" " Nothing." "It's just - it's Felicity." "I played with her when I was little." "May I?" "What a horrible creature." "I've never seen one close up before." "Do you recognize me, Felicity?" "Will you stop carrying on?" "What will he think of you?" "I know how he feels." "I had a hamster when I was small." "But hamsters don't live very long." "You lost your pet, too?" "Yes." "Right." "She followed me everywhere." "Testing, 1 , 2, do you read me?" "Wall to wall." "You're coming in loud and clear." "I repeat:" "loud and clear." "Roger." "Mario's over there." "I should have known." "That guy's a pain in the neck!" "Of course he went over." "He used to work for Jeanne." "Roger." "I don't want anyone helping the Frenchies, see?" "I want them out of here!" "Got it." "Message received." "Roger." "Big Joe?" " What?" "Quit saying "Roger"." "What are you doing here with your binoculars?" "Go home." "They're going to call you to fix the plumbing." "You have to be near the phone." "A Parisian girl won't last a week without water." "Look at the lanky twit." "Interfering nuisance." "Damn." "Damn, damn." "Damn." "What's wrong?" "Is there a problem, Miss Martin?" "I've been after them for a week, Mario." "They still haven't found the containers." "Two enormous containers, Mario!" "Was there something important inside them, Miss Martin?" "No." "Just trinkets." "I always ship them in containers." "Honestly, Mario..." "Look what I found in the cellar." "Snowshoes!" "And all kinds of Christmas decorations." "We'll have to put them up soon." "The snowshoes are Jeanne's." "She used them right up to last year." "He's playing with snowshoes." "Can you answer the question I've been asking you all week?" "Where is your briefcase?" "We need the shipping papers!" "I think I forgot it in the little plane." "Give me strength!" "Don't you care?" "My whole life is floating out there somewhere in two lost containers!" "Calm down, darling." "We may have lost a briefcase, but two huge containers?" "We lost it?" "You lost it!" "I took care of it." "The airline is going to mail it to us." "Why didn't you say so?" "When?" "Well, as soon as they find it." "Yes." "Because I'm not sure I left it in the little plane." "Why, here's Mr. Big Joe!" "I've never seen so much rust." "But the water's on now." "It's fine." " About time." "Will you have some coffee, Mr. Big Joe?" "No, don't bother." "I have to go." "Bye now." "Thanks." "Thanks." "We're most grateful." " Speak for yourself." "Shut the door!" "Hello, this is Plumber." "I repeat, this is Plumber." "Operation Sahara completed." "Returning to base." "Roger!" "Sorry." "Cancel the Roger." "Come on!" "Reverse, you old heap!" "Ready, Pierre?" "Let's go." " Good!" "You lead the way." "Pierre, may I introduce the Saguenay Fiord." "It's majestic." "It's a million years old." "It's in good shape." "The ice is strong enough to support the fishing shacks." "The water under here is 100 metres deep." "Do the fish bite?" "Do they bite?" "I have to turn away to bait the hook." "I have to hide!" "They jump at us." "Here we go." "You have to tease them a little." "Titillate the fish." "It'll amaze you." "Yes, hello." "Pauline?" "No." "You're Pauline." "I'm Pierre." "Right." "It was a question." "In a manner of speaking." "That's right." "Tell me..." "No, I know you know you're Pauline." "I'm Pierre Martin." "That's settled." "Tell me, is Big Joe there?" "Big Joe who?" "Big Joe!" "He's not there?" "Oh, that's awkward." "Because yesterday he came by to fix our plumbing, and can you imagine?" "Now it's..." "Zapped." "Meaning it doesn't work." "Broken." "Plumbing kaput!" "Water not come." "Kaput, kaput, kaput!" "I no understand what you is telling I." "I think she understands." "Is Big Joe there?" "Okay, me hang up now." "Enough is enough." "Do they think we're savages?" "Who is it?" "Kateri Tekakwitha's father." "Who?" " Nobody that matters." "When's the clown coming back?" "Today." "Or tomorrow." "Soon." "I want a shower." "I'm fed up washing at the basin." "We aren't living with savages." "I take it back." "We are living with savages." "You're exaggerating, princess." "What are you doing?" "Darling Daddy." "If I want to go trapping one day, I must get used to them." "Hello?" "Yes?" "At last!" "Someone who is properly speaking!" "Yes, speaking." "Yes indeed." "No." "Pardon?" "What?" "Sank?" "Like the Titanic?" "Oh, dear..." "Hey!" "Hi, Pierre." "How's it going?" "Is she feeling better?" "She's all right now, but last night, she was very down." "She kept trying to salvage her memories from the stormy seas." "This language is beautiful when it's spoken well." "It's just harder to understand." "Hi, Mario!" "Mario, please don't ask me how I am." "Oh." "Good morning, Miss Martin." "How are you?" "I brought the painting gear you asked for." "Maybe we could do some painting together tomorrow." "An excellent idea, Mario!" "Yes." "That's right." "We'll paint together tomorrow." "See how much birch I've chopped, darling?" "But that wood is green." "What does the colour matter?" "I'm just going to burn it." "That's the whole point." "Maybe we could go down to the Pier for dinner?" "Do you know of another restaurant around here?" "Raymond?" "It's me." "They're heading your way." "Leave it to me." "I'll finish them off with poutine." "Hi, guys." "Good evening." "Oh, look!" "The wee doggie has a beautiful coat!" "And bootees!" "That's so cute." "Right." "This evening, our famous poutine would be on special." "Wait." "Is it on special or not?" "Don't be dumb." "I just said it's on special." "But you said " it would be" ." "Yeah." "So?" "I'm trying to speak properly." "As a courtesy to our French friends." "Fine, but "would be" is future tense." "Conditional." "It would be on special if you would order it." "We have several poutines:" "the Italian, the Western, also called the Country, the chicken Galvaude, and the Teriyaki." "Italian with hot peppers." "Poutine." "Interesting name." "I'll try the Italian variety." "I'll have what Mario's having." "And you, darling?" "For you, ma'am?" "Ma'am will avoid the Tipoon since she has no idea what it is." "I'll have a salad." "I see." "Our salads include the Italian, the Western, also called the Country, the chicken Galvaude and the Teriyaki." "Plain." "Like chicken Galvaude, hold the chicken?" "Exactly." "Ah." "After all, why not?" "It's like a cheeseburger with no cheese." "It's a hamburger." "Eh?" "Plain..." "You're really going to eat that?" "Oh, Mr. Big Joe!" "Oh!" "I haven't forgotten you." "He's laughing in our faces." "He's just dripping with guilt." "How very odd." "A plumber who drips." "Yes." "Very funny." "The days went by and already the legendary Canadian winter was knocking at our door." "Its great white blanket covered the great white blanket of autumn." "Marcel, it's Michel." "Get Big Bertha ready." "I can't get over it." "Past New Year's and the Frenchies are still here." "Looks like the Hundred Year's War." "Did you think they'd move out at this time of year?" "I won't have it, I tell you!" "They'll be gone in a week." "That's just silly." "In a week!" "Lulu, mind your own business!" "There, you see?" "This whole thing is making you sick." "We have to attack by night." "Oh, good grief." "It's World War III." "Drat the man." "Alien, Frenchie and a mental age of 5." "Steven!" "Come here and make yourself useful." "Cool." "Can I finish my game of ping-pong first?" "No." "Come on, Killer." "You're the third person I've talked to." "We left a briefcase behind in one of your planes." "You were going to mail it to us here in St. Simone du Nord." "Yes!" "I know it's January 4." "But you're supposed to be the emergency service, aren't you?" "Yes, I'll hold the line." "What's he doing?" " I dunno." "Phew." "Hello, hello." "This is Plumber." "I repeat, this is Plumber." "Will you quit repeating everything and shut up?" "Roger!" " If you say " Roger" once more," "I'll make you swallow your walkie-talkie." "Watch it!" "If you harm a hair of his head, you're a dead man!" "Man, she pisses me off!" "Roger." "Who does he think he is?" "Hello?" "Yes, I'm still here." "And?" "Did they find it?" "Yes, but they lost it again." "I need the papers to make an insurance claim." "Are you sure?" "The transporter's insured." "There's a copy somewhere in France, for sure, Katie." "Don't call me Katie." "I hate nicknames." "Listen, Mario." "Just because we did some painting together, we won't get too familiar." "I told you that already." "Oh, yes." "Okay." "It'll just seem strange when we do the second coat." "Mario!" "That's right." "That's good." "Frigging idiot." "Go for it, Steven." "Keep trying." "You can do it!" "Thanks, Mario." "They sent it here and it came back stamped" ""not known at this address" ." "It went back to France and they sent it here again." "That smells like Michel Dolbec to me." "He can be nasty." "Yes?" "Yes, I'll hold on." "What is this stuff?" "St. Bartholomew's Night." "It's my favourite." "Assertive, with a long aftertaste." "Oh yes - it lasts forever." "It's well-named." "Jeanne had a wicked sense of humour too." "She was bright, like you." "She used to say she liked to lead men around by the fly." " Very funny." "But the expression is " by the nose" ." "Isn't that what I said?" "Did people like her?" "St. Simone isn't Québec." "It's an odd place." "They don't like strangers." "I'm from Riotord, 10 km away, but to them I'm a stranger." "Michel Dolbec is the worst." "He's too full of himself." "Full of himself?" "Proud." "He thinks he's special." "He owns the only store, so he's the boss." "Pierre's the only one who likes him." "My father likes everyone." "He's a physicist and philosopher." "A paradox." "A loveable paradox." "Yes, I'm still here." "Yes!" "The bloody moron was holding on by the cutter!" "Hello?" "Hello hello?" "Are you still there?" "They say they mailed the parcel to the inn." "I can guess who knows where it is now." "Me too." "Are you okay, Steven?" "Oops." "Blast it!" "Good evening, Mr. Mayor." "Or should I say Mr. Postmaster?" "Good evening, Miss Martin." "I've been expecting a parcel for weeks." "But it hasn't come." "I'm sorry but it's after four." "We're closed." "Winter hours." "The store is open." "The lights are on." "The store, yes." "But the post office is closed." "I've waited long enough." "You can make a small exception!" "No, it doesn't work that way." "I can't open the post office at all hours." "There are rules." "When it's closed, it's closed." "I'll be happy to sell you milk, but for your parcel, Québec Post sets the schedule." "Not me." "Imbecile." "He did it on purpose." "I'm sure of it!" "This bloody door!" "All right?" "Okay!" "There we are, sir." "Have a nice day." "Good morning, Miss." "You're open." "How nice." "From 10 to noon and 1 to 4 every day except Sunday." "A parcel was sent to us here." "For some unknown reason, it was sent back to France." "But it'll come back any day now." "Have you received it?" "I can't say off the top of my head." "I'll have to check." "To make sure." "Right." "From France, you say." " Exactly." "It wouldn't be a box in brown paper, about this big?" "Precisely." "Haven't seen hide nor hair of it." "Not yet." "You haven't seen it, but you know what it looks like." "We never get mail." "Never." "Not once since we arrived." "May I point out that I receive the mail." "I do not send it." "If you want to make a claim, please call Québec Post." "We have had no phone service since yesterday evening." "Please, feel free." "OUT OF ORDER" "This really is a godforsaken dump." "The only thing I can suggest is to send your complaint by mail." "Québec Post is proud to have been of service to you." "I assure you Québec Post will be proud to hear from me." "So there." "Cut the enemy lines of communication." "ADDRESS UNKNOWN RETURN TO SENDER" "I bet she's looking for a phone to call Québec Post." "Hello, Marcel?" "Michel." "Get Big Bertha ready." "I'm on my way." "Hello, Mr. Mayor." "Lovely day, isn't it?" "If you got lost in the forest I'd like it even better." "Hello, Mr. Martin." "Do you know what?" "I think the cold snapped my phone line." "The cold?" " Yes." "He's hopeless." "The cold!" "Tell me, Mr. Martin." "Are you ever in a bad mood, even a tiny bit?" "Never in Canada." "Nothing sticks to you, eh?" "A real Teflon man." "Yep." "Have a nice day." "You too." "Good morning." "May I use your phone, please?" "OUT OF ORDER" "Sorry, it's not working." "Thank you." "Hey!" "Move over!" "For heaven's sake." "Press the gas pedal!" "Yeah, right..." "Good riddance." "Catherine!" "You're bad." "It's not funny!" "I'll call the cops if you don't watch out." "Oh, princess!" "They iced the road." "I saw it." "The car spun out of control." "I nearly went in the river." "No, they didn't." "They were sanding it." "You're still shaken, princess." "Poor Miss Martin." "Catherine, my poor darling." "I'll make you some tea." "I tell you..." "They iced the road." "Oh, no." "Here." "Drink this." "You'll feel better." "It's a huge conspiracy." "The whole village is in it." "I saw them." "All watching like hyenas!" "They want us dead!" "Paris." "I must go back to Paris!" "I must go back to Paris." "Hello, Miss Martin." "Poor lady." "Are you all right?" "It's the Mayor, darling." "You'll be fine, you'll see." "If she'd like to see some shots of Paris on TV, try Channel 5." "They have a lot about France." "Tune in anytime." "They run it all day." "Thank you." "Marcel, I have to give you a black mark." "You salt the road in the morning." "Thank goodness no one was hurt." " Yes." "We'll see to your car, Miss Martin." "Don't worry." "Next time..." "Come and use the phone at the restaurant." "It's bad luck." "I was starting to salt the road." "Miss Martin..." "It's me, Big Joe." "The plumber?" "I haven't forgotten you." "Leave her alone!" "Please forgive her, Mr. Big Joe." "She's in shock." "It's all fine now, right?" "So we'll be on our way." "Marcel." "Mr. Martin..." "Outside, Fang." "Get some air." "Freakin' hypocrites!" "I'd like to break his bloody neck, the strutting phoney!" "I didn't understand all that, but she should rest now." "If you need anything, I'm just across the way." "Pekoe?" "Pekoe!" "Come to mother, pet." "Pekoe!" "Here, darling." "Pekoe." "Pekoe!" "What's going on in the cellar?" "Killer's playing with the Frenchie's dog." "Don't let him hurt it." "No, no." "Pekoe!" "Pekoe!" "Pekoe?" "What a bad doggie." "Killer!" "Daddy isn't pleased." "Daddy's mad at you." "Daddy's mad." "Mr. Martin, as mayor," "I bring very sad news." "It's his... his collar..." "What is it?" "What happened?" " I don't know." "He was playing with Killer and ...they got into a fight." "Blast it, I was too late." "What?" "I don't think I..." "Hunh?" " ...see the deceased?" "Oh, the deceased!" "Not until morning, I'm afraid." "But sometimes Killer does a number 2 at night." "He ate him?" "My deepest sympathies." "I don't know what to say to you." "Thank you for notifying me." " Really, don't mention it." "My condolences." "Careful." " Got it." "You have this." "But ..." "Catherine?" "Catherine." "Catherine?" "Catherine, where are you, sweetheart?" "Savages." "It's a country of savages!" "Eaten by a mangy cur under the indifferent gaze of a pig!" "Watch me!" "I'll grind that man into sausage meat!" "I'll cut him in pieces and stuff the bloody balls of his filthy beast into his maw!" "No, Catherine!" "Catherine!" "Out of my way." "I mean it." "I'm going to murder him!" "Let me past!" "I'm sorry, Catherine." "Forgive me." "Hang on, dearest." "Hang on." "He ate my dog!" "Deprive your enemy of all means of communication." "...soaring turrets..." "...long history..." "Time for a tranquillizer." "There." "I'm going out to see what happened." "I'll be right back." "Oh, Pekoe!" "Dear Pekoe." "Pekoe..." "We lost the signal." "But it doesn't matter." "Little Pekoe..." "I'll call the company." "No." "I'll drive into town." "I can't do that either." "I'll stay with you, princess." "Well?" "How is she?" "See, Pekoe?" "That's Louis XIV on TV." "It's always Louis XIV." "Oh, boy." "She's talking to Pekoe." "That's not good." "She's avoiding reality." "And I think she took too many pills." "Hi, Katie" " Catherine." "Feeling better?" "I guess not." "You won't have to spend much on dog food this winter." "Hey!" "This gizmo works!" "Course it does." "Michel Dolbec, you're a genius!" "May I?" "Come with me, pet." "Make sure he really does pee." "What a hoot!" "I've had about enough of this." "It's not right." "They're nice people." "You can visit them in France." "We're almost done, trust me." "They'll give up soon." "I gave you a contract." "Right?" "Remember your contract." "The power's off at our house." "Oh, good." "It's on again." "I smell a rat." "I'm going into town for a generator." "Catherine needs to stay warm." "Thanks, Mario." "See you tomorrow." "The dope." "He left the door open." "It goes off, it comes on." "I left the doors open." "I think there's a loose connection." "You're a scientist, Daddy." "You know the principle of alternating current." "It alternates." "Don't worry." "It's not important." "All that matters is that we're together, the two of us." "Right." "Goodnight, Eskimos." "Quit sulking and go give Marcel a hand." "I want Big Bertha here at 6 a.m. tomorrow." "It's hard for you, princess." "But they're good people." "They just don't know it yet." "Steven!" "Shut it down!" "Cool!" " I suppose." "Hi, Mr. Martin." "You're up bright and early." "I have a disaster in the cellar." "My pipes have burst." "Last night the power went off so we had no heat." "And the phone's still out..." "Mr. Martin, I have great news for you." "As mayor and chairman of the board of St. Simone du Nord," "I am proud - nay, delighted, to tell you that your plumbing problem is our top priority." "We'll start this very day by digging a humungous - a deep trench across your lot so we can fix the main." ""Main" means the large pipe supplying water to your house." "This is a major task and we can't, unfortunately, expect to finish it before spring at the earliest." "But community spirit is strong in St. Simone and we decided that you and your daughter need and deserve our support." "There, now." "Isn't that good news, sir!" "Wonderful." "You're wonderful." "We'd never get service like this in France." "Our all-powerful bureaucracy of technocrats would cause endless delays, despite the urgent need to..." "Speaking of urgency, I don't want to be a wet blanket, but isn't your cellar flooding this very moment?" "Don't you have a major problem?" "Major?" "Everything is relative." "Right now, every 7 seconds a child dies of hunger." "My problems are minor." "But progressive people like you are building a better world." "It's like meeting a childhood hero, finding you here at dawn, standing tall on your machine, bravely confronting the land, the burden of public service, like Davy Crockett on his steed, confronting America!" "I guess..." "Yep..." "Well, now..." "That's harsh." "That's so harsh." "I can't cope." "That's harsh." "That's very harsh." "So harsh." "My head hurts." "I guess I'll go home now." "Too harsh." "I'll just go home." "Look, Steven, let's say a customer buys something that costs 99¢." "Who?" "Somebody." "Buys what?" "Something." "For how much?" "99¢." "Why 99¢?" "Let's pretend it costs 99¢." "Where are you going, dear?" "It's noon and you haven't had lunch yet." "I'm not hungry." "I had a slug of gin and I think I'll go to bed." "Oh, don't do that!" "Have some cereal first." "It'll do you good." "No, Lulu." "It won't do me good." "No power." "No phone." "No heat, no car, no nothing." "His daughter's having a breakdown." "I'm about to dig a crater next to his house, and he talks about Davy Crockett." "I remind him of Davy Crockett." "Why don't you leave him alone?" "They're okay people." "Forget it and you'll feel better." "You'll see." "No, no, no." "I'm sick of being positive, and what lovely weather, and a better tomorrow, beautiful Canada, air like wine, and snowshoes!" "It drives me nuts!" "Things are bad, always have been, always will be, it's all gone to hell in a handbasket!" "The ping-pong parcel came back from France again today." "Be a dear and give it to them." "Damn it." "No more decent wine." "Have to drink this rot-gut." "I'm going home." "Don't have to be particularly pervish... perkot... very partil... pertin... peshtive... persic... perstoop..." " Perceptive." "...per soosh." "That's hard to say when you're bombed." "A year and a day." "Ha." "There isn't enough money in the entire known world to make me put up with these degenerates for another day." "Don't say that, darling." "Hate breeds hate." "Love wipes it away." "That bastard ate Pekoe." "It's disgusting." "I'm leaving." "I've had it." "He didn't do it." "His dog did." "Pills and alcohol don't mix." "Why are you crying?" "I'm not crying." "It's the smoke." "Press 9 twice." "Go ahead." "No!" "The 9 is this one up here." "That's the phone, honey." "Not the cash." "Sorry, Mom." "Work on it." "I'll put the potatoes on." "Now try it." "Good." "It's time for drastic measures." "I'll fix them." "Just watch me." "Come here, Felicity." "I'll tell you about your cousin Pekoe." "Where did your father go?" " Out hunting." "No." "Dear God above." "See, Daddy?" "Even with Felicity in my grasp, I'm unhappy." "Forgive me, princess." "I went too far." "It's my fault." "Listen." "First thing tomorrow, we'll go back to Paris." "Retreating to Paris, defeated by human idiocy, unable to give Catherine my philosophy of happiness, was bitter to me." "I went to bid my dream farewell." "Farewell, winter." "Farewell, Aunt Jeanne." "Farewell, majestic Canadian forest." "This time you won't come back." "Is that drastic enough for you?" "No, no, no, Mr. Mayor." "I know you have Canadian blood in your veins, but you'll freeze to death out here." "Mr. Martin!" "Are you there?" "I have to talk to you!" "Michel's flipped out." "We can't find him anywhere!" "Thank God." "I'm frozen stiff." "The storm's getting worse." "Michel's disappeared." "I'm worried sick." "Mr. Martin isn't here." "Lord, what a mess!" "What are we going to do?" "There." "Feel better?" " Yes." "Human warmth helps." "No fire, and a howling blizzard, but we have human warmth." "I..." "I'm the one who..." "The parcel..." "I did it..." "I know." "I saw it there." "Thank you." "No, no!" "I mean..." "I'm the one who shot it." "With the shotgun." "Well, we found it." "That's what matters." "The power" " I cut it off." "From the dawn of time until the 19th century, we didn't have electricity." "We still managed to evolve." "The telephone." "I made Steven cut the wire." "As far as I'm concerned, no news is good news." "Marcel iced up the road on purpose, and... and..." "I let Killer eat Pekoe." "I'm a bastard and you're saving my life." "Why?" "It must be my fate." "A long time ago, I decided to be happy." "I don't know where I'll end up, but I do know I intend to be smiling." "All those things you told me - we decide how important we'll let them be." "That's the choice I made." "Lao Tsu made the same choice." "Lao Tsu." "You remember Lao Tsu?" "Oh, sure." "He said something beautiful:" "happiness isn't a destination;" "it is a way of travelling." "I can't feel my legs anymore." "Frostbite." "We must get you warm." "Don't squeak like that!" "Did we ever discuss opposing forces?" " Not yet." "In this double world, nothing can exist unless its opposite exists too." "Newton was the first to ..." "Sorry to interrupt, but I'm in no position to take notes." "That last comment owes more to science than to philosophy." "Briefly, there is both good and evil in each one of us." "It's awful." "We're stuck here, and they're lost in the storm." "Lord, I hope it blows itself out before morning." "Yes." "It'll be better tomorrow." "We're closing up shop." "Closing up shop?" "We're closing up shop." "We're leaving." "It's Parisian slang." "You're buggering off!" "That's Québec slang." "We are buggering off." "All under control." "I started the generator." "We have power, Katie." "It's Spiderman." "That's American." "I can't feel my legs!" "Blessed Mother Mary!" "Oh, honey..." "Days passed and we discovered that the eerie events of the night of the snowstorm had made us all reassess our lives." "As a result, my philosophy of happiness spread like wildfire." "Fortunately, we quickly understood that we belonged to the large family of those who chose to be happy, joined for all time by a state of permanent and collective felicity." "Oops..." "It doesn't matter." "Let it go right to the bottom." "That's where the fish are." "That's right." " It's a long way down!" "Set the stop..." "Now we wait." "It takes time." "I'm in no hurry." "Now that Catherine was happy, I had only one concern left." "How to tell her that Aunt Jeanne's fortune was only a figment of my imagination." "All our differences smoothed away, we realized we were in total harmony." "At last, we were one!" "The infinitesimally small is so small that we come to doubt that we even exist." "I mean that you, I, him, them, nature - we all form one whole, linked by a fascinating, mysterious phenomenon..." "No." "I don't know about you, but I don't get any of this." "Okay." "Let me summarize." "One." "All of us here are one." "That's what Pierre means." "Exactly, Michel." "How come we're one?" "You keep saying that, but there are at least 30 of us here today." "Hey, cool!" "I get it!" "Big Joe, what Pierre means is in the infinitely small, atom-size, we're united." "Attached to each other." "The table, the toaster, the mixer, me, your tools, it's all the same." "What a bright lad!" "I didn't understand a word you said, dear." "Hang on a sec." "You mean I am my plumbing?" "When you look at the infinitely small, yes, Big Joe." "Infinitely small or life-size," "Big Joe can't be his plumbing." "He's the plumber!" "It doesn't make any sense at all!" "Typical." "It's not that hard, damn it!" "What Michel's saying is that in the infinitely small, like atoms, it's all the same." "You're the same as poutine!" "Are you insulting me?" "What do you mean?" " The nerve!" "Calling me Poutine!" "I never called you Poutine!" " You did so!" "Michel!" "Michel!" "Fix it amongst yourselves!" "Everybody pipe down!" "Just pipe down, all of you!" "I guess it's not the time to talk about the snowmobile trail, eh?" "What a twit..." "DVD Subtitling:" "CNST, Montreal"