"Hello." "Hello, babies." "Mama's home." "I know, I know you're hungry, snookums." "We're all hungry." "It's snack time." "Hey, fattie, you warthog." "Mmm..." "Pick up some whipped cream to slather all over your buttocks and squish between your fat toes?" "You want to look like a walking cream puff?" "A walking, talking lard bucket oozing down the street, Fobsie?" "Okay, snookums, it's food time." "Open your pores." "Open wide!" "Num, num, num, num, num, num!" "All my little babies, yeah!" "Don't you want to talk to Mommy?" "You're my little buddies, yes, you are." "O-A-L-A-H-A" " Oalaha." "Hello?" "My name is Betsy Cowland from Special Editions, Limited, and you're Mrs...." "What's this all about?" "It's about you being able to own a lovely edition of Special Editions, Limited;" "those special books not available on television or in the bookstores or anywhere else, for that matter." "No one ever calls me." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Weight Away calling." "The call that will change your life." "I think you have" "Weight Away is not available on television or in bookstores or anywhere else, for that matter." "How did you get my...?" "At Weight Away, you don't get gimmicks like talking refrigerators." "How did you know?" "Who is this?" "You get guarantees." "But..." "We'll deliver this afternoon." ""Your weight is over."" "Hello?" "Hello?" "What's going on?" "Who is it?" "Betsy Cowland?" "Yes?" "Delivery." "I didn't order anything." "Oh, it's okay." ""Your weight is over."" "Wonder what it is." ""Congratulations." ""You are one of the first owners" ""of the most advanced weight-loss technology ever." ""For best results, insert in ear before every meal." "Guaranteed weight loss with regular use."" "Hello?" "Betsy?" "Who is this and how did you get my number?" "is this Betsy Cowland?" "How did you get my number?" "Betsy, it's Elmo Shroud." "Elmo?" "Elmo Shroud from good ol' Oswego High." "The last time I saw you was, uh, prom night." "Elmo." "Um, yeah, l-l'm in town on business, and I thought it might be fun to get together." "You know, talk about the good ol' days." "Yes, uh, they were wonderful days." "Uh, how did you get my number?" "From your brother." "He gave me your address, too." "Uh, why don't I pick you up, say, about 8:00?" "8:00." "It's a date." "See you then." "Bye." "So, what do you think?" "It's an old dress." "Just a little tight... here and here." "Oh, and there." "And there." "Well, maybe if I don't breathe too much, he... he won't notice." "Aren't you gonna say anything?" "Oh, who am I trying to kid?" "Maybe this wasn't such a great idea." "Maybe he won't show up." "He showed up." "It's open!" "Betsy?" "Elmo?" "Well, uh, you-you certainly look healthy." "Thank you." "And you look shiny." "Yeah, well, I'm just glad to be looking at all, if, uh..." "Well, you know what I mean." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Uh... did you ever marry?" "Uh, no, no." "You see, I've been traveling." "Oh." "You know, I've always wanted to travel, yeah." "Yeah." "Well, l-l see that you've been to the jungle here." "What?" "l-l was just joking." "I mean all of these-these plants, you know?" "Yeah." "Well, you look different." "Are you hungry?" "I know it's a lot of food." "Believe me, I've tried everything I can to lose weight." "I've-l've done the water diet, the tea diet, the juice diet." "the no-diet diet." "I even had my earlobes stapled." "Didn't work." "Oh, I've wrapped myself in cellophane, I wore weight belts, fat pants, even suction pants." "Suction pants?" "Mm, pants connected to a vacuum that's supposed to suck off the pounds." "It doesn't work." "I looked into the liposuction operation where they really open you up and take out the fat, but that's too expensive." "Oh, uh, excuse me." "l-l have to make a-a telephone call." "No, no, no, come on!" "is there something wrong?" "No..." "l-l've got something in my ear." "I can't get it out." "Oh, it's okay." "This looks just great." "Betsy?" "What's this?" "Elmo... I'm sorry I embarrassed you." "I shouldn't go out." "I'm-l'm gross and stupid." "Oh, no." "Betsy, are-are-are you all right?" "You want to see a doctor?" "No..." "No, you can just leave." "I've ruined your night." "Uh, someone left this at your back door." "What is it?" "I don't know." "It says it's from "Your weight is over."" "No." "I'll, uh, open it." "Good-bye." "Betsy... could I say something?" "You were the prettiest girl in our class." "I'm not the most beautiful girl anymore." "Glasses." ""Guaranteed weight loss with regular use."" "Guaranteed." "Please don't...!" "Please don't eat us!" "Please don't eat us!" "Please don't eat us!" "Please don't eat us!" "Don't eat us!" "No!" "Aah!" "I implore you to stay your hand." "Yeah, she's right, lady." "Give us a break here, huh?" "We've done you no harm." "Why abuse us so?" "What's the matter, lady, cat got your tongue?" "Cat got my tongue?" "Hey, lady, whoa!" "Just a simple question here." "No." "No!" "It's not a simple question when a banana asks it." "It's not a simple question at all." "Hey, you got a problem with bananas, lady?" "Yes." "Yes, with talking bananas, yes, I do." "Now, honey child, calm yourself." "No need to get upset." "Oh, this has got to be some kind of, uh... I don't know, drug or dream." "There are no chemicals or psychoses involved here." "Like yourself, we are living, thinking entities." "But people can't talk to fruits." "Your name Betsy?" "How did you know?" "Your bald buddy mentioned it about ten times." "What do you think, we can't hear?" "I can't believe this." "You're not real." "Are you going to let us live, or are you gonna nibble and gnaw at us till we turn spotty brown and die of exposure?" "Well, uh... is that painful?" "Painful?" "!" "Let me peel your skin off, lady, huh?" "Humiliating, too." "Left alone with no friends, no one to talk to." "You know how awful that is, Betsy." "Oh, I know how, I..." "We girls have to stick together." "I must be dreaming... lt's been a long day." "Good morning, Betsy." "You aren't dreaming, Betsy." "We are very real." "I'm hungry." "I'll-l'll see what's in the refrigerator." "Oh, no, it's all right." "Try to relax." "Yo, looking for trouble, lady?" "Uh, no." "That's good, 'cause I could give you a lot of trouble." "You could?" "Indigestion for days." "I've got to eat something." "Hey, you, can't a guy have any privacy?" "I'm very hungry." "Wouldn't you like banana soufflé?" "Think about pears-- chocolate-covered pears." "How about some apple strudel?" "Banana flambé." "Noodles, a crisp apple flan, apple tart." "Ginger pears, pickled pears, spiced, diced pear pie!" "You're very cute." "I couldn't eat any of you." "It'd be like cold-blooded murder." "Hello?" "Betsy?" "It's Elmo." "Elmo?" "Listen, Betsy, I thought maybe we could try to have dinner together again." "How about your place?" "Dinner?" "Here?" "I bet you're a great cook." "My favorite's apple pie." "No, no, I..." "I can't." "I ca..." "I can't eat here." "Okay, we'll... we'll go out." "Elmo, you don't have to just for old-times sake." "8:00." "See you then." "You ever think about getting old, Betsy?" "Sometimes." "Your flesh gets soft, age spots, you get wrinkled, you start to smell." "I don't think I want to think about it." "It's not a pretty thought." "Maybe old age isn't all it's cracked up to be." "Maybe it's better to be demolished and digested while I'm still young and sweet and succulent and... gorgeous." "You do look young and sweet and succulent and tasty, juicy, edible..." "Lady, control yourself, here!" "Oh, my God." "What was I doing?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, pear." "I don't want to hurt you." "I'm just light-headed, and I don't know what I'm doing." "And my stomach is screaming for food." "Betsy, it's Elmo." "Don't let him in, Betsy." "You never know what he might do." "The stupid jerk might try and eat us." "Are you ready, Betsy?" "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse." "Pretend you're not here." "Betsy, are you in there?" "Commendable, Betsy." "Thank you." "I could almost feel his teeth on my core." "It's him, I know it." "He's calling from the corner." "Don't answer, Betsy, please." "Hello, snookums." "Mama's gonna feed you now." "Doesn't that taste good?" "Mama wants to eat, too, but Mama can't." "I'm so hungry." "We're your friends." "Talk to us, Betsy." "That's what we're here for." "That's not what you're here for." "You're food." "You're here to be eaten, so that I can live, so that I can feel good." "You're here for me to eat." "She's losing it." "It's nutso time." "Oh, for years, I tried everything I could think of to lose weight." "I have tried every trick in the book." "None of them worked." "That's what you are." "You're a gimmick." "You're a trick, so that I won't eat." "Just a pair of trick glasses and a trick hearing aid." "It won't come off." "Oh, my God." "This is our Waterloo." "I can't help it." "Don't, Betsy!" "I need food." "Oh, lady, don't eat me!" "Think about what you're doing!" "No!" "Stop!" "Don't eat me, please!" "No!" "You're killing him!" "Murder!" "I'm sorry." "Aah!" "Don't!" "I'm sorry." "Oh, my God." "I almost killed..." "Forgive me." "Please say you'll forgive me." "It'll never happen again." "I promise you, it'll never happen again." "l-l'm sorry to put you through all this trouble, but it's been two whole months and I was starting to get worried about her." "Well, I was coming by to collect the rent, anyway." "She's two months behind." "Anybody home?" "What's that smell?" "Oh, oh, what the hell is...?" "Betsy?" "!"