"♪ It seems today that all you see ♪" "♪ is violence in movies and sex on TV. ♪" "♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪" "♪ on which we used to rely?" "♪" "♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪" "♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪" "♪ all the things that make us ♪" "♪ laugh and cry. ♪" "♪ He's... a..." "Fam... ily..." "Guy!" "♪" "♪ Family Guy 9x09 ♪ New Kidney in Town Original Air Date on January 9, 2011" "Okay, okay, I got one." "Would you rather have dinner and then sex with Megan Fox's body with Leonard Nimoy's head on it or re-roof an entire condo complex by yourself?" "Oh, boy." "Can I close my eyes?" "No, eye contact the whole time and a lot of kissing." "Well, how about Megan Fox's head on Leonard Nimoy's body?" "I know, somehow that's better." "The hybrid organism exists as I've described it." "How many units are in the condo?" "Thirty-two." "Tile roof or shingles?" "Yeah, 'cause it makes a difference what you're carrying up that ladder." " Wait, whose neck is it?" " Huh?" "I mean, where's the cutoff?" "You know, is it Megan Fox's neck or am I burying my face in Leonard Nimoy's turkey gizzard?" "Nimoy's neck." "You have got yourself a roof." "I'll take the Spock-Fox intercourse." "All right, Peter, your turn." "Uh..." "Boxers or briefs?" "What?" "That's the worst one I've ever heard." "Look, I'm sorry." "I'm exhausted, all right?" "I didn't get any sleep 'cause Brian and the neighbor's dog kept me up all night." "BRIAN:" "Hello?" "BRIAN:" "Hello?" "DOG:" "Hello." "BRIAN:" "Are you a dog?" "DOG:" "Yes!" "BRIAN:" "I am also a dog." "DOG:" "All right!" "BRIAN:" "Yeah!" "DOG:" "We're dogs!" "BRIAN:" "Yeah, we're dogs!" "DOG:" "We're dogs that live near each other!" "DOG #2:" "Hey, are you guys dogs?" "DOG:" "Yeah!" "We're totally dogs!" "BRIAN:" "Yeah, both of us!" "Oh, wow." "Well, if you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee." "Yeah, or you could have some Red Bull." "Red Bull?" "What the hell is Red Bull?" "You never heard of Red Bull?" "It's an energy drink." "Here you go, Peter." "It's on the house." "So?" "What do you think?" "♪ And I feel like I just got home... ♪" "♪ And I feel... ♪" "♪ And I feel like I just got home... ♪" "♪ And I feel... ♪" "Good evening." "Our top story tonight:" "Barack Obama makes a visit to James Woods High School." "Yes, it's time to get jiggy with it, Quahog..." "I thought we had taken that out." "President Barack Obama will visit James Woods High next month, and this little town of ours couldn't be more abuzz." "Oh, my God, this is gonna be so amazing!" "It's all anybody in my class is talking about." "Darn it, why is this so hard?" "!" "What's wrong, Chris?" "Just 'cause Obama's coming, everybody in my English class has to write a stupid essay about hope." "But this is all I can come up with." "Chris, this is just a shaded-in triangle and the word "muff."" "For God's sakes, Meg, it's a first draft." "Just tell me if you think the tone is right." "Well, I don't know what this is, but it's not what hope is about, Chris." "Well, if you're such a genius, you tell me what hope is." "Hope is what gets you out of bed in the morning when it's the day of prom and you haven't been asked." "Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon and drives the salmon upstream." "Your breasts may be small and your glasses may be thick, but hope doesn't hold up a mirror." "Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear." "And though we may never reach our goals, it's hope that will save us from who we once were." "Wow." "Did you learn that at school?" "No." "You can't just learn creative writing, Chris." "It's got to be inside you, like musical talent or athleticism or the ability to choose to be gay." "I don't think they choose that." "Oh, please, they choose that." "(doorknob rattling)" "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" "What's up, party people?" "Ah, what the hell are these things, curtains or something?" "Boring!" " Holy smoke, it's crowded in here." " Hey!" "There, ah, that's terrific." "It opens up the whole room." "Peter, there you are." "Where the hell have you been?" "I've been worried sick." "Oh, so I had a few Red Bulls, drove to New York." "What's the big deal?" "Ah, there's my little man!" "(shuddering)" "Done!" "Wow, Dad, that was pretty cool." "Can I try some Red Bull?" "Oh, my God, can you try some Red Bull?" "Chris, I'd take it as an insult if you didn't." "Here you go, have some cans, one, two, three, four, five." "Go on, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em, take 'em." "(laughs) That's what Woody Woodpecker says." "All right, I'm gonna go outside and milk the cow." "Peter, where'd you get that cow?" "Oh, that's a silly question, Lois." "I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day." "(mooing)" "Whoa, boy, that Red Bull's some strong stuff." "(screaming)" "Hey, everybody, welcome back to The Price ls Right." "Time to spin the wheel." "Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it." "Go ahead, Peter, close as you can to a dollar without going over." "(beeping)" "All right, while we're waiting for the wheel to spin, you want to say hi to anybody?" "Oh, yeah, Drew, I want to say hi to" "Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire," "Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce," "Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert," "Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken and Greased-up Deaf Guy!" "(chuckles):" "Okay." "I'm sure they're happy to hear that." "(crowd screaming)" "Whoa, paramedics, come on down!" "(laughing frantically)" "Mom, oh, my God, guess what!" "Oh, God!" "You scared the (bleep) out of me." "You know that essay about hope I had to write?" "Well, the principal said it was the best one in the class, and he wants me to read it aloud to introduce the President!" "Ah, Chris, that's incredible!" "Remember when I used to come to school to wipe you, and I'd say, "Someday I won't have to wipe you anymore and you'll do great things"?" "Well, this has been a big year for us." "Wait a second." "Give me that." ""Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon and drives the salmon upstream."" "I wrote that!" "You stole this from me." "Hey, you didn't say I couldn't use it." "But now you get to meet the President of the United States because of what I wrote." "Ugh!" "I bet you don't even know what his first name is." "I don't know..." "Mike?" "Hey, what are you doing?" "Lois, where is my Red Bull?" "Peter, I got rid of it." "Why the hell would you do that?" "!" "It was making you crazy, and it's not good for you." "That's why I poured it all out in the garden." "(grunting)" "(tires screech)" "Official flower business." "(tires screeching)" "What are you doing, Peter?" "I'm making my own Red Bull." "Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands." "Whoa, whoa, hang on, you're adding kerosene?" "Peter, that's insane." "That'll destroy your body." "Kerosene is fuel, Brian." "Red Bull is fuel." "Kerosene is Red Bull." "Now, why don't you leave me alone while I'm doing my important work?" "(blender whirring)" "Peter, that drink will kill you." "Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger." "(sighs)" "See, Brian?" "I feel great." "Peter?" "Peter, are you alive?" "(groaning)" "Ah, you're alive." "Okay, I won't, uh..." "I won't, uh, eat you then." "I was gonna eat you." "Dr. Hartman, please tell me, is my husband gonna be all right?" "Uh, Cancun, actually, thanks for asking." "Just got back." "Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals your husband ingested from his homemade energy drink have caused total kidney failure." "(all gasping)" "How was Cancun?" "(gasps) Oh, my God." "Kidney failure?" "Is he gonna be okay?" "Well, yes and no." "We'll put him on a kidney transplant list, but that could take months." "Until a donor is found, he's gonna have to undergo dialysis treatments three times a week." "Dialysis?" "Is there any other way?" "Yes, there is." "No, no, no, no, no!" "We'll do the dialysis." "Hey, Doc, I'm here for my dialysis." "Ah, have a seat, Peter." "Let's get you hooked up." "Doc, I don't know how much more of this I can take." "It's been three weeks." "I know, I saw the caption." "Yeah, but I just go crazy just sitting here for so long." "Aw, I know it's tough, but maybe there's something I can do to make it easier." "Here, play with this bucket of afterbirth." "Ha!" "The Lockhorns." "Always locking horns." "(gasps) Oh, my God, that's why they call it that." "Oh, Peter, you got here just in time!" "Chris is almost on." "Shh." "Mom, here it is." "As Quahog prepares for the arrival of" "President Barack Obama, it will be a very big day for one local teenager who will be reading his essay to introduce the President." "I sat down with accomplished wordsmith Chris Griffin." ""Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear."" "Chris, tell me how those words came to you." "Do you believe in angels, Tom?" "Of course I do." "Well, there you go." "I suspected angels." " It was angels." " Very good." "Chris Griffin, a weaver of dreams at the loom of the mind." "A weaver of dreams at the loom of the mind." "A neat thing I just said." "And now sports." "Oh, Chris, we are so proud of you." "I got to admit, Chris, this is pretty exciting." "When did you become so coherent?" "Mom, I wrote that!" "He stole it, and he's taking all the credit!" "Chris, is that true?" "You didn't write anything!" "This is my essay!" "Meg, is that true?" "No, he's lying!" "That should be me getting to meet the President!" "Meg, for God's sake, relax." "You're not the first person to be outshined by a sibling." "What about the third Bronte sister?" "Oh, Emily, Wuthering Heights was truly splendid." "Oh, no, Charlotte, Jane Eyre was so very brilliant." "I made blood out me lady parts!" "Good for you." "So we've all done something." "It's happening now." "Ah, it's a period joke." "It's a period period joke." "Ha, ha." "Okay, moving on." "ANNOUNCER (over TV):" "Coming up next, Charles in Charge." "Oh, my God!" "Aw, I want to watch this, but I got stupid dialysis at 3:00." "I am so sick of this crap mucking up my life." "Well, Peter, I mean, what, you can get away with skipping one treatment, right?" "I mean, that's not gonna kill you." "Yeah, it's probably just like missing an antibiotic." "You just take the next one." "Yeah, you're probably right." "Besides, it's Charles in Charge." "JOE:" "You know what I like?" "The "Charles" part is formal, but the "In Charge" part is kind of casual." "QUAGMIRE:" "Oh, wow." "Remember this?" "Remember when nobody had any muscle tone?" "Geez, how many "A's" does that guy need?" "JOE:" "Uh, two, apparently." "QUAGMIRE:" "You know, it's kinda weird that '80s white clothes could pass for '90s black clothes." "JOE:" "Yeah, is that like a rummage sale thing?" "QUAGMIRE:" "Ah, Nicole Eggert." "JOE:" "Didn't she bang somebody gross?" "QUAGMIRE:" "I don't know." "JOE:" "Yeah, I feel like she banged somebody gross." "QUAGMIRE:" "You know, I heard the sweater budget on this show was 200 grand." "Didn't you tell me that, Peter?" "Oh, my God!" "Peter, you don't look so good." "What are you talkin' about?" "I feel great." "Like I could go another twenty years or more." "Dr. Hartman, this was just too close a call." "Next time, we could be too late." "Suppose he's stuck somewhere, or he's trapped in an elevator or God knows what else?" "!" "He could die!" "He needs a new kidney now!" "Well, as I said, Mrs. Griffin, he's on a list, but there are a lot of people ahead of him." "Well, what are the chances of getting him moved up the list?" "Honestly, not great." "It could be months before he can get a transplant." "Unless you know someone who's a compatible organ match and would be willing to donate one of theirs." "I'll do it." "He could have one of my kidneys." "Well, we always check spouse records for compatibility." "I'm afraid you're not a match." "But it turns out you are a match for a little girl who's dying in that next room over there." "Oh, well, how 'bout we concentrate on this family, Doctor?" "Well, the only other option is your children." "No, I won't put the kids through that." "Well, then I don't know what else to do." "You'll just have to roll the dice and hope a kidney comes through soon." "Well..." "What about me?" "Is that possible, Doctor?" "Well..." "I suppose." "Stranger things have happened in medicine." "I once tried to clone a chicken." "The result wound up being a man-sized chicken that was incredibly hostile and ended up escaping from the lab." "Okay, Doc, we gotta have a talk at some point, but Brian, are..." "Are you..." "Are you sure about this?" "Well, there's no harm in seeing if I'm compatible." "Well, according to these results, Brian is a match." "(all cheering)" "Hooray, yay, yeah, ice cream sounds great." "The only thing is..." "Mrs. Griffin, could I speak with you and Brian alone, please?" "Well, of course." " Kids, why don't you wait in the car?" " Okay, Mom." "Let's go find the big, black sassy nurse." "There's always one." "NURSE:" "You can cry about it, or you can decide to live." "It's your choice." "STEWIE:" "Found her." "Hey, what is it, Doc?" "Well, as a dog, Brian's kidneys are smaller and don't have the capacity of a human kidney." "For the procedure to work, we would need to transplant two." "But..." "But I only have two." "That's right." "The procedure would kill you." "Ha ha, that car's gettin' towed!" "My God, Dr. Hartman, isn't there any other way?" "I'm afraid not, Mrs. Griffin." "BRIAN:" "I'll do it." "What?" "I'll..." "I'll do it." "I'll give you my kidneys." "But, Brian..." "You'll die!" "Peter, you're my best friend." "You gave me a home when I didn't have one." "And you've treated me like a family member ever since." "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you." "I'd probably be dead anyway, lying under some freeway overpass." "And I wanna..." "I wanna return the favor." "After all, I'm..." "I'm a dog." "I have another eight years, at best." "I'm willing to give that up so you can have another forty." "Brian, I..." "I don't know what to say." "You're savin' my life." "Well, you saved mine." "And, hey, we..." "We had a lotta good years together, right?" "(voice breaking):" "Yeah." "We, uh..." "We sure did, buddy." "Hello, everyone." "Lois, did you put Stewie to bed?" "Yeah, he's asleep." "Good." "I'd rather he didn't know about this till it's over." "He's just a baby." "Now, since the operation is tomorrow, I thought it might be a good idea to just kinda close the book, you know?" "So I just wanted to share my final thoughts with each one of you." "Meg, you're so beautiful on the inside, but it's very important that you know your limitations." "What do you mean?" "Well, I know they say "Reach for the stars,"" "but if we all did that, there'd be nobody left here on Earth, right?" "I guess." "Ha ha, there you go." "Chris, I have watched you grow from a little boy into the young man you are today." "I know sometimes life seems tough, but you just remember to reach for the stars." "You really think I can?" "I know you can, slugger!" "And, Lois, I only ask this because of the dire situation I'm in, but... can I, can I hump your leg for fifteen uninterrupted seconds?" "I suppose so, Brian." "I said you could do it for fifteen seconds." "Didn't need it." "No!" "It can't be!" "Where..." "Where am I?" "We're at the playground, Brian." "I kidnapped you." "You and I are going to spend the rest of our lives living right here under the slide." "Stewie, what the hell?" "Are you outta your mind?" "I most certainly am not!" "I know what you're planning to do, and I won't allow it!" "You're not going to kill yourself for that fat bastard!" "Look, I've made up my mind, all right?" "Now untie me." "No, I will not!" "How dare you make plans to abandon me!" "Come on, you..." "You can live without a dog, Stewie, but you can't live without a father." "And besides, how exactly do you think we're supposed to live here on the playground?" "We'll do fine, Brian!" "Everything is right here where we need it!" "The jungle gym is the grocery store, the swing set is the mall, the seesaw is the post office, and the sandbox is our summer home." "Can you believe it, Brian?" "We..." "We have a summer home!" "I mean, yes, we'll..." "We'll have to rent it out some years to help pay for..." "Oh, no, wait, no, we won't, because I'm a famous race car driver." "I forgot!" "Stewie, you're not a race car driver." "And if you don't let me go right now, you're gonna lose your dad." "(sniffles) But Brian..." "I don't wanna lose anybody!" "I don't..." "I don't wanna lose anybody!" "(sobbing)" "Oh, my God." "Just stop, stop, just stop it." "But Brian, I love you!" "Oh, God, just wipe your nose, man!" "Can I have a hug, Brian?" "!" "Oh, no, no, God, no, no, not now, no!" "I want a hug!" "I love..." "No, no." "Just wipe..." "Oh, God, there's no Kleenex." "I love you, Brian!" "I love you so much!" "Go..." "Go roll around in the sandbox..." "In..." "In the summer house!" "Go..." "Go to the summer house and roll around!" "Well, here we go." "You know, buddy," "I'm really gonna miss havin' a dog." "Hey, whaddaya say you be my dog one last time, huh?" "Sure, Peter." "Whatever you want." "Hey, hey, whassat?" "Whassat, boy?" "Whassat?" "Uh, surgical equipment." "Whose is that?" "Whose is that?" "Probably belongs to the hospital." "Whassat for?" "Huh?" "Whassat for?" "Um..." "Cutting me open, harvesting my organs and killing me." "You gonna go get it?" "You gonna get it, boy?" "No, I think..." "I think the doctors need it." "Can we..." "Can we just lay here?" "Dr. Hartman, what're you...?" "You're not dressed for surgery." "I sure am." "But I don't understand." "Well, you see, Mrs. Griffin," "I found another donor for your husband." "You did?" "!" "Who?" " Me." " What?" "!" "It turns out I'm a perfect match." "And I'm willing to give up one of my kidneys." "Oh, my God, Dr. Hartman, you'd do that for us?" "!" "Well, the truth is you folks are my only remaining patients." "I couldn't afford to lose two of you." "What do you mean, two of us?" "Well, chances are Peter never would have survived the surgery." "I mean..." "I mean, dog kidneys?" "!" "I'm not even sure dogs have kidneys." "Do dogs have kidneys?" "Yes." "Ah, this..." "This is the guy." "Oh, my God, Brian... (all clamoring)" "You're gonna live!" "Oh, I love you!" "I love you!" "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." "I'm happy to welcome you all here to our auditorium for something that's not a terrible play." "In fact, tonight we're graced with the presence of our Commander in Chief." "But first, to introduce him is a very talented young man," "James Woods' own Chris Griffin." "(applause)" "Thank you, Principal Shepherd." "My sister Meg will be helping me introduce the President, since we wrote this essay together." ""What is Hope?" by Chris and Meg Griffin." "Hope is what gets you out of bed in the morning when it's the day of prom and you haven't been asked." "Hope pushes the caterpillar through the cocoon and drives the salmon upstream." "Your breasts may be small and your glasses may be thick, but hope doesn't hold up a mirror." "CHRIS:" "Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear." "And though we may never reach our goals, it's hope that will save us from who we once were." "And now..." "Ladies and gentlemen..." " President Mike Obama!" " President Barack Obama!" "(soft tremolo chord plays)" "♪ You gotta be sincere... ♪" "(moans)" "♪ You gotta be sincere... ♪" "♪ You gotta feel it here, ♪" "♪ 'cause if you feel it here, ♪" "♪ well, then you're gonna be ♪" "♪ honestly sincere. ♪" "(uptempo rhythm plays)" "♪ If you're really sincere... ♪" "♪ If you're really sincere... ♪" "♪ If you feel it in here, ♪" "♪ then it's gotta be right!" "♪" "♪ Oh, baby!" "♪ (girls squealing)" "♪ Oh, honey!" "♪" "♪ Hug me!" "♪" "♪ Suffer!" "♪" "(girls screaming)"