"â™ª" "ANNOUNCER:" "Please welcome Jacqueline Novak." "(crowd cheering)" "(man yells)" "Hey, guys." "(crowd whooping, Jacqueline laughs)" "I used to write poetry." "(scoffs) Can you tell?" "(sighs) I had to give it up." "I just got tired of being in a constant state of enchantment." "Just constantly taking in the mundane world for all of its glory." "It got to be too much." "Just night after night curled in a windowsill." "Seeing the moon, as if for the first goddamn time." "I think ultimately, poetry is the art of being a bit much." "So, as you can imagine," "I excelled." "I'm an apple woman." "An apple... woman." "If you read the ladies magazines, you might know what that is." "They like to tell the women what shape we are and what jeans to buy." "Pear is a classic shape." "They always say, "You're a pear if you carry your weight in your hips."" "They're like, "You're a pear, if you have a woman's body."" "And then they're like, "You're an apple, if your shirt hurts."" "There's celeries, as well." "But... they don't say much about them, 'cause they're doing okay on their own." "I was born a celery." "But I knew I was an apple." "I'm a trans-vegetable." "That's the only pun you're gettin' out of me, so I hope you enjoyed it." "(chuckles)" "They're rude to apples, they do this thing." "Next to apple, there's always a little asterisk." "And then, at the bottom of the page, in tiny letters, they're like," ""By the way, if you're an apple, you're at greater risk for heart disease."" "But you go, apple girl." "(chuckles)" "What do you think of my hair?" "(crowd cheering, whooping)" "I know, it's pretty good." "I like to have volume at the crown." "Got a little volume in there." "You see that?" "Boom." "Boom." "When it's too flat, it's not attractive." "But when you go... (sultry-voiced):" "Hey." "Something happens." "You feel that?" "You feel it?" "(giggles)" "Do you know why?" "It's a, uh, evolutionary mechanism built into you." "Reminds you of the days... you were in a cave, right up-- right up against a cave wall, rough." "Maybe against the wood of a barn door." "You feel that." "You feel like you've penetrated me." "Congratulations." "(chuckles)" "I do find it embarrassing to be caught in the act of trying to be sexy." "(chuckles)" "I'd rather go the other way, you know what I mean?" "Just sort of drape myself in a tarp and let..." "(chuckles)" "It's an old salesman technique." "It lets a man think, you know, it was his idea that I'm a woman." "I see it." "I see a woman in there." "You know." "I find it embarrassing to try." "What if I fail?" "(chuckles)" "My worst nightmare is I'm drugged, and I'm stripped, and I'm put inside one of those giant birthday cakes and rolled out into the center of a party." "And I come to, I don't know where I am." "So, I burst out, looking confused." "And everyone's thinking," ""Ah, she thinks she's real sexy."" "No, I don't." "I was kidnapped!" "The human body is a horror." "(chuckles)" "It's hideous." "Even in its best form." "Like, sometimes in a movie, I'll see, like, an alien and it'll have something like... like that, going on." "By its mouth." "It's, like, really gross." "(chuckles)" "But we have that going on, right here." "Equally disgusting." "I think we'd be a lot better off if we were just..." "But instead, our limbs end in tassels?" "Flesh tassels?" "A fringe of human flesh?" "Someone was like," ""Let's cut into that a little."" "I like to eat." "Sorry about that." "Eating is, without a doubt, my favorite of the survival-based activities." "Like, I'll breathe, but I don't enjoy it." "I don't like the way it feels." "A deep breath." "Everyone's always pushing a deep breath in tough times." "They're the worst." "I find hunger very attractive in a man." "Yes, this is the moment where I reveal that I'm a heterosexual." "And I'm not proud of it." "Nah, it's nothing to be proud of in this day and age." "It's an embarrassment, to lust after the common shaft." "It's like, "Does she read?"" "But I do find that hunger attractive, in a man." "That's why I like to see how he treats his buffalo wings." "I think it's very telling." "I think it's a great way to feel someone out." "'Cause I-I-I got to say, if a man's throwing bones into that bones pile, and they still have flesh on 'em," "I'm not impressed." "Nah, I'm-I'm throwin' real bones in there, you know what I'm saying?" "(chuckles)" "I'm throwing true bones in there." "They are-- they are clean, and dry, and ready to be a pirate wench's earring." "They're ready for the bones pile, okay?" "He's-he's throwing flesh lollipops in there." "It kind of makes me wonder, you know," ""Are you gonna leave the meat on me, too?"" "Later?" "(chuckles)" "Are you someone who's afraid to get into the corners where the flavor's at?" "When you feel cartilage, do you turn the other way and run, boy?" "Or do you lean in?" "For something chewy." "And please, you know, go for it." "You know what I'm saying?" "If I'm gonna disgrace myself and have sex before marriage, please use all parts of the buffalo." ""Oh, don't use me." "He used me."" "No, please use me for once, you know what I mean?" "I lost my virginity in high school to use the common parlance." "(giggles)" "I had no hesitation about it, because... (sighs) ...my virginity, it just didn't have any worth to me." "'Cause I hadn't earned it." "I got it just for showing up on Earth." "So when the question arose, of whether or not to lose it," "I kind of felt like I was playing with the house's money." "I was like, "I got this virginity," "I hear it's a ton of fun to lose."" "(chuckles):" "You know?" "Maybe tonight's the night, who wants to help me lose it?" "My sister was like, "Don't do it."" "She was like, "If you do it so young," ""you'll regret it." "You'll feel sick and sad looking back on that memory."" "I was like, "No way," ""my boyfriend is a very sweet boy." ""You know, w-we care about each other." "This is good American fun."" "But I'll tell you what, I am disgusted." "Those memories devastate me." "I have to walk around with memories of sex... with a 16-year-old boy." "Imagine if you had sex with a 16-year-old boy, tonight." "It'd be the darkest night of your life." "It's disgusting." "His skin was so smooth, he was a real tulip of a boy." "I felt like I was deflowered by another flower." "We were just two flowers in a poor man's bouquet, swaying in the breeze of his parents' basement air conditioner." "It's disgusting, me pressed up against his-- his soft, young flesh." "Up against his sweaty belly, which was full of pasta his mother had snuck vegetables into... earlier that night." "(chuckles)" "Horrifying." "Nah, if you're gonna lose your virginity, find a man." "Find an older man." "You know, do what your parents would think is-- is horrifying." "'Cause at least you could look back on that as sex with a man." "That's a memory you can stand behind." "I remember feeling like, you know, like his dad was probably, like, kind of, like, proud that his son was doing this." "You know what I mean?" "Like, he knew." "The father knew." "Like, that his son had, like, taken my virginity." "And I just really felt like saying to him," ""Nah..." "like, I'm (bleep) him."" "And that's how that's goin' down!" "I've hesitated to date a magician." "(laughter)" "(sighs)" "I'm too distracted by the fact that they're probably always upset that their genitals take up all the space in their suit where they could be hiding other props." "Props they're allowed to use in their act. (chuckles)" "So I feel like if you're in an intimate relationship with a magician, it's just constantly," ""Look what I found behind your ear." ""My balls." (chuckles)" ""Again."" "I dated a comic, but he was really used to dealing with hecklers." "So when I would say something that caught him off guard, his instinct was to shut me down, like I was a heckler." "So I'd be like, "I feel like you don't call me as much as I call you."" "And he'd be like, "This, coming from the lady in the crazy sweater?"" "Penis is a... tough word." "It's real hard for me to say, but I'll do it for you." "Feels like it's in my mouth when I say it." "Penis... s..." "The weird thing is that it seems like it would be the "Pe" that's the problem." ""Pe, Pe."" "It's not." "It's the "nis."" ""Nis" is a disgusting and very stupid syllable." "Have you ever tried to say "penis" sexually?" "It's impossible." "It's a night ender." ""I want to see that penis." (chuckles)" ""Oh, God, I love your penis."" "The weirdest thing for me about the peninsular organ... is that it's most commonly compared to a snake." "Which is interesting, because snakes have sharp senses." "They strike with precision." "I've never not guided a penis." "Anywhere it was headed." "(chuckles)" "And why-why would I want to not?" "You know?" "There's no benefit in it blindly finding its way." "Okay?" "Those are not the best "entrances."" "Prefer to guide it, okay?" "Otherwise it's just sort of..." "it comes at the wrong angle." "Suddenly half of me is inside of me." "It's kind of like taking your arm out of a coat and the sleeve comes, too." "It's like, "All right." "We're gonna need 30 strokes to..." ""get this figured out." ""With this, kind of, just..." "just get right." "(chuckles) Okay, okay." "It's..." "Let's..."" "It's just like, "Let's back it up, let's open it up, okay, and then you can come in."" "There's a real doorbuster sale quality to it, a real Black Friday, you know, 9:00 a.m." "kind of feeling, like..." ""I can't open the door" ""when you're standing in the place that the door opens to." ""Do you want deep discounts on flat screen TVs?" ""And microfiber fleeces?" "I'll stand here all day."" "The weird thing for me... about the cylindrical object..." "(sighs)" "I've always found it strange that the penis, after doing anything it does, doesn't retract into the body." "Like, fully just go away." "'Cause it's kind of, like... you're weak now." "Go home." "For me, the penis... it's like a strange puppet in a puppet show." "It comes out, does its bit... it's great." "But after its bit is over, it doesn't go back behind the puppet theater, but instead just just dies over the front of the puppet stage." "And stays there, lifeless and scaring the children, staring with one dead eye, while the show continues." "And it's kind of like, "Should we still be able to see him?"" "Doggy style, right?" "(laughter)" "Oh, that's the wild kind of sex." "(chuckles)" "That's what they say:" ""Oh, doggy style."" "You know, dance moves." "That's what that is, right?" "You see it, right?" "I mean, uh... all right." "I call it the hound's way." "More dignity." "No, there's an idea that missionary, or anything where you..." "where you're facing your lover, oh, that's for real, real love, you know?" "You stare into the eyes, okay?" "Okay, I-I don't think so." "I think that's codependent and desperate and weird." "(chuckles)" "To be... just trying to fuse as one, you know?" "Fuse!" "Fuse!" "Fuse!" "Fuse!" "One!" "I think the hound's way reflects a more mature kind of love, where-where two lovers can look towards the future together." "It always makes me feel like me and my boyfriend are two pioneers headed west, you know?" "I'm not looking at him-- not 'cause he doesn't love me, not 'cause I don't love him, he trusts me-- it's 'cause I'm keeping my eye on the horizon." "'Cause these are tough times." "I'm a strong woman." "I know hubbin's got me from behind, bringing up the caboose." "Put my face into the wind, keep on keeping on through this good night." "'Cause our nation depends on it." "I don't think anyone is, like, required to be good at sex." "I think it's really just the attitude." "That's what you're accountable for." "This one time, this guy was trying a sexual maneuver on me." "(chuckles)" "Arealmaneuver." "You know what I mean?" "Like it had steps that he was executing." "Like, that he had read about inPopular Mechanics." "And when I didn't immediately start barking with orgasm, he stopped, he looked confused and he looked at me and he said, "Just let go." "Just let go." "You know?" "Just let go."" "Like if I just dropped the (bleep) baggage," "I wouldn't feel his fingernails poking me." "It made me want to try a maneuver on him, you know what I mean?" "SomethingI'dheard about." "(chuckles)" "The old elbow to the balls in the sign of infinity." "Infinite pleasure, I heard." "And then if he doesn't immediately explode, just stop and be like" ""You're safe here." ""Seriously," ""you should let yourself have this." "Go on."" "The other thing about doggy style that I like is 'cause they can't see your face, you can kind of play it however you want to play it." "So sometimes I like to, uh make it real sad." "(chuckles)" "It's a fun thing to do in a loving relationship." "It's really easy, all you do is you just go dead in the eyes, and then you just kind of become an object that's... being pushed." "It's really cute to let the chin go out." "That's... 'Cause when it's in, you-you chose this, you asked for this, you're happy about th... you know." "But when, there..." "that's... you're..." "I like to hum "Better Man."" "â™ª Can't find a better man..." "I think I said enough tonight, guys." "Thank you so much." "Captioning sponsored by TRIAGE ENTERTAINMENT GROUP" "Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org" "â™ª"