"Hi." "I'm Andy Millman." "What would you rather do, have your child die of thirst or dysentery?" "That's not a choice that you or I have to make, is it?" "But one in five people don't have access to clean drinking water." "Every day, millions of people have to drink the only water available to them and they run the risk of dying." "You can help put an end to that terrible risk by pledging just £5." "Please help." "Cut." " Was that all right?" " That was fantastic." " Brilliant, my pleasure." " Thank you so much." "That was so wonderful." "Chris!" " Hi, hello." "How are you?" " What's this for today?" "It's for people in the Third World..." " Yeah." "...who don't have clean drinking..." "This screen." "Are you gonna project anything on there?" "Oh, we don't know yet." "I'm not quite sure." "Okay." "Because we have an album coming out, Greatest Hits." "Maybe just put a picture of the album cover on it." " Oh, ah..." " Just simple." "I think, probably, if we're gonna project anything, we'll show sort of pictures of people dying because of a lack of clean water." "Could they be holding the album?" "Not really, no." "I think that might be a bit inappropriate, perhaps?" "Oh." "I presume at some point you're gonna have some footage of these people walking around looking sad, miserable." "What about some music?" "Check this out." "(HUMMING)" " Is that one of yours?" " Yeah, yeah." "Trouble." "Just say at the bottom, "This is available, Coldplay, Greatest Hits."" " I'm not quite sure what's gonna happen yet." " Easy." "Easy." " So easy!" "All right, okay." " I think probably..." " Now, where do you want me to stand?" " Just there, that's great." " Hey, I know you." " You all right?" "Are we having a laugh?" " Are you having a laugh?" "Yeah." " Yeah." "I could come on your show." " What's your audience, five or six million?" " That'd be fab!" "I don't know." "I think it's weird, celebrities just popping up in a sitcom, you know what I mean?" "It'd be good." "I could play myself." " Right." "What would Chris Martin be doing visiting a factory in Wigan?" " I don't know." "You work it out." " We will." " We won't." " We will." " When do you shoot?" " Thursdays." " I can't do Thursdays." " Oh, never mind." "Okay." " I can do Wednesdays." " We can move it." " We can't move it, can we?" " No." "We can." " Well, move it." " I'll have..." "Yeah." "Can we get on with this?" "I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's and landmines this afternoon, and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal, plus Gwyneth's making drumsticks." "Do some bloody work." "What's up with you lot?" " We're depressed, Mr Stokes." " Why?" "Radio's broken, Mr Stokes." "Statistics prove that workers are much more productive with musical accompaniment." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Oh, we can't work without music." "Can't work without music!" "Who are you, seven bloody dwarves?" "You'll just have to buy us another one." "(EXCLAIMING)" "I'm not made of money, and we've spent the budget for the year, so I don't know what we're gonna do." "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" " Maybe I can help?" " I don't believe it." "It's only Chris Martin from Coldplay." " Hey." "Chris, what are you doing here, in a factory in Wigan?" "It's mental." "Well, Ray, I'm just in the area to promote our new album," "Coldplay, The Greatest Hits." "(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)" "And I thought I'd pop on over and say hello." "Right." "When's that due out?" "It's coming out on the 17th of this month and it's gonna be really great." "Oh, fantastic." "Well, this is gonna sound absolutely ridiculous," " but do you mind performing a song for us?" " Are you having a laugh?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "# When you try your best but you don't succeed" "# When you get what you want but not what you need" "# When you feel so tired but you can't sleep" "# Stuck in reverse" "# The lights will guide you home" "# And ignite your bones" "# And I will try to fix you #" "(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)" ""This week When The Whistle Blows sunk even lower in its desperate attempts" ""to appeal to as many of the great unwashed as possible" ""by roping in the services of rock star Chris Martin, whose inexplicable appearance" ""was the latest attempt by Andy Millman" ""to shamelessly prop up his lame duck of a sitcom."" "I told you." "I told everyone." "Why did I let people convince me?" " Calm down." "Muffin?" " No." " Have a lovely bit of muffin." " I don't want any." " Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?" " No." " Thank you." "Bar?" " Yo." " I'm having the muffin." " I'll come through." " Why is this an event?" " He's excited." "All right." "All right, Andy?" " All right, Shaun." " Lovely bit of muffin." " Hello, you." " Oh, lovely." " Why's he eating it like that?" " Yeah." "Why are you eating like that?" "Me hands." "I've been cleaning out the toilets." "I've got no gloves." "You..." "You shook my hand when you came in." "Well, it's politeness, innit?" "Just being polite." "We are celebrating with that lovely bit of muffin." "What would be the best news you could get today?" "You're going full time at the Carphone Warehouse." "I don't work at the Carphone Warehouse any more." "Well, I do Saturday mornings while Nirinda's pregnant." " All right." " No, what news could you get that'd mean you've finally got the critical respect you've been looking for?" "I don't know." "BBC One comedy with catchphrases and stupid wigs filmed in front of a live studio audience of morons is suddenly considered cool?" "That's never gonna happen, is it?" "No." "You've been nominated for a BAFTA." "Best Comedy Performance." " Really?" " Yeah." "Not going to win, though." "Something classier than this'll win." "No, no." "Because I was thinking the same, and then I was looking down the list of nominees and it's all crap this year, so you've got as good a chance as anyone." "Cheers." "More good news as well." "I had a call from a toy manufacturer and they're quite keen to put out a Ray doll for Christmas." "You press a button and it goes, "Are you having a laugh?"" " Who's gonna buy that?" " Same people who watch your show." "Thick kids and their thick parents and, you know, thick..." "Thick people, I get it." "The thick demographic, that's what I'm going for." "Don't slag them off 'cause those people spend a fortune on this sort of tat." "And ringtones as well." "Oh, that Crazy Frog made millions." "Yeah." "Where is he now?" "Probably working on a follow-up album, I'd have thought, or trying to crack Japan." "It's not bad for a frog, though, is it?" "It's very good for a frog, Bar, if you don't mind me saying." "I'd have thought he's probably the second richest frog in the world after Kermit." " Kermit, yeah." "There was his nephew, Robin." " Ah, Robin was good." "Looked set to take over the empire for a while, didn't he?" "Yeah." "He was a very good actor and singer." " SHAUN:" "Halfway Up the Stairs." " Good song." "Do you know, I've never been to an awards ceremony before." "Nor have I." "Do you think there will be photographers there?" "Probably." "What if I fall or dribble something down my front?" " What are you, a toddler?" " Oh, there's some nice frocks in here." " Come on in and have a look." " No." " Help me choose something." " I'll wait out here." "(CLEARS THROAT)" " How much is this one?" " That's £2,500." "(LAUGHS) That's a bit much." " Yes." "Are there any of these that are..." "It's all very expensive." "I don't think you can afford anything." " How do you know what I can afford?" " Oh, just a hunch." "Hunch, you're a hunch." " Hmm?" " Nothing." " Nothing in there?" " No, nothing." "Come on, let's go." " Oh, where we going now?" " Somewhere, just anywhere else." " What exactly are you looking for?" " I'm looking for a place where people aren't quite as rude." " Who was rude?" " Her in there." " What happened?" " She just looked at me like I shouldn't be there, like I was a piece of dirt." " Come on." "Come on." " Oh, no, no." "(PRETTY WOMAN PLAYING)" " That one?" " Yeah." "Good day." "My friend here was looking for a dress." "I wondered if we could help her with that." "Gold Card there." " Well, I'm sure we can." " Hmm." "Good." " Yeah, I think she was looking at this one." " Oh, wonderful." "How much is that?" "£2,500." "£2,500?" " Do you want that?" " Yeah." "(GRUNTS)" " If you don't want it, don't have it." " No." "I want it." "I can definitely afford it." "It's just a matter of is it the right dress?" "Yes." "Could we bring it back if there's something wrong with it, say, after this coming Sunday?" " No." "We don't do refunds." " No, no, no." "But if it didn't fit." " She should try it on." " I know, but what if she got fat?" " By Sunday?" " No." "What if the stitching there was to be pulled apart slightly?" " Pulled apart?" " Just came apart?" "Just normal wear and tear." "The sweat rot under the old armpit." "Cuts through the old stitches." "Could we..." "Let's make absolutely sure, okay?" "Always good to be sure." "Sorry about this." " You're not thinking..." " What?" "I'm gonna ask you a question now." "Consider the answer, okay?" "Do you really want me to spend £2,500 on that dress?" "Yes." "She does!" "Aw." "Go on." "We've all learnt a lesson today." "There's a chance it won't fit." "It's not even tax deductible." "Do you do celebrity discount?" " Well, I don't know who she is." " She's nobody." "Are you having a laugh?" " No, we don't do discount." " No." "Not, "Are you having a laugh?" Watch this and comprehend." "Are you having a laugh?" "Does no one here know..." "Is she having a laugh?" " Do you know?" " Oh, yeah." "You're from that sitcom." " Correct." " Any good?" "Not really." "It's a bit broad." "Relies on catchphrases and funny wigs." "Sorry." "Did I ask for a critique?" "Shall I come down to the storeroom and say you haven't swept up right?" "Unbelievable." " So you don't do celebrity discount?" " No." " No, not 1%?" "Couldn't give me 1%?" " Oh, okay." "I'll do you a 1% discount." " What's that?" " On £2,500?" "£25." "Not worth it." "I'd rather you stuck it on if anything." "Well, shall we just leave it as it is?" " That's your Christmas and birthday." " Yeah, okay." "Never would have spent that much." "Those are £600." "(LAUGHING)" " They're very expensive." " That's not why I was laughing." "I was laughing they weren't expensive enough in a way." "That's what tickled me when I first saw the 600." "What do you think?" " Do you think it's all right?" " Yeah." " Can I get it?" " Yep." "WOMAN:" "Andy!" "WOMAN 2:" "Andy!" " Andy." " Andy, will you win tonight?" "Oh, it's just, you know, flattering to be nominated." " Is that your girlfriend?" " No, no, no." " Yeah, all right." " Always tell journalists the truth and let them change the facts later." " And who are you wearing?" " Maggie." " No." " Who are you wearing?" " Maggie Jacobs." " No." "Whose dress is that?" "It's mine." " Ah, okay." "Thank you." "She won a competition." "Don't speak to anyone else tonight." " What did I..." " Not even to me." "Dale!" "Dale!" "Darling, Dale!" "Toby Anstis." " Have you ever eaten a worm?" " I don't even know what a "worrrm" is." "There's an "r" in it." "You should "prrronounce" it "worrrm"." "Old girlfriend." "Oh, God." "Shall we..." " Andy!" " Hi!" " Hi!" " You all right?" "Yeah, I'm good, thanks." "Yeah." "God, you've done well." "Yeah." "All downhill from here." "Well, are you..." "What's..." "Um..." "What..." "Are you BAFTA tonight?" "Are you..." "First time?" " Well, yeah, as part of the Holbyteam." " Good luck with the..." " Um..." " Yeah, thanks, thanks." " And good luck to you as well." " Absolutely." " Yeah, it's a pity." "No, we should ask..." " Yeah." "I'll see you later." " Okay." "Good luck with the..." " Thanks." " Good to..." " Good luck." "See you later." "Cheers." " Who was that?" " The most boring woman in the world." " Really?" " Yeah." " How do you know her?" " I went out with her for a while when I was an extra on Holby City." " Oh, and then she dumped you?" " No." "I dumped her." " You dumped her?" " Yes." " Really?" " Yes, it does happen." " When was this?" " Couple of years ago." "Was that before or after you lost your virginity" "to the one who looked like Ronnie Corbett?" " After, obviously, it was two years ago." "What, so you lost your virginity a long time ago then, did you?" "Yes." "I'm in my forties." " I know, but when?" " A long time ago." "Exactly." "What age were you?" " Oh, I don't know." " What?" "16?" "17?" " Were you older than that?" " Oh, what is all these questions?" "I lost my virginity." "Full stop." " Why were you attracted to Ronnie Corbett?" " I wasn't attracted to Ronnie Corbett." "She just happened to look like Ronnie Corbett." "It was the bank's Christmas do." "I was drunk, all right?" " Oh, the bank's Christmas do?" " Yeah." "But you didn't start working there till you were 28." "Oh, who are you?" "Columbo?" "Leave it." "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Davina McCall." "Good evening and welcome to the British Academy Television Awards, and in front of me are a whole host of understandably anxious stars, all wondering whether they're going to walk away with that most coveted of awards," "the BAFTA mask." "Now to our first category this evening, it is the Lew Grade..." "WOMAN:" "I also want to thank our inspiring and bossy boss..." "ROB BRYDON:" "And the BAFTA goes to..." "Oh, my favourite, Jamie's Prison Dinners." "MAN:" "Thanks to a terrific production team." "You weren't a production team, you were family and thanks for everything..." "SIR DAVID FROST:" "Unlike newspapers, our TV newsrooms have to remain impartial, at least theoretically..." "MAN:" "The winner is, The Woman Who Gave Birth To Herself." "DAVID DIMBLEBY:" "But right in my eye line, on all fours like a dog..." "MAN:" "The BAFTA goes to South Bank Show:" "Dick and Dom Special." " Well, hello." " All right?" "Everything all right here?" "We could do with some more wine, please, waiter." " Comedy gold." "Absolute comedy gold." " Thank you." "I love it." "No, actually here in an official capacity." " Oh, yeah?" " Part of the Best Drama nomination for Paul Abbott's Cock of the North." " I imagine you saw it." " I didn't." "I had quite a large part." "It was..." "It was good, you know." "Best Drama." "The Holy Grail, as it were, of BAFTAs." "But you're, of course, you're here with your sitcom, aren't you?" " Yep." " Yeah, well." "Good luck." " Yeah, and you, mate." " Well, you deserve, you know..." " I understand it's very popular." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Good luck, mate." " Yes, well, I'll..." " Better get back." " See you later." " Drama crowd, as it were." " Yeah." " But..." "Yeah." "Catch you later." " Cheers, mate." "Yeah." "MAN:" "We are on air live in 45 seconds and counting." "Many of you at home and in this room probably don't recognise Len Shearman, but you'd certainly recognise his work." "Len was one of the most influential and passionate drama producers in the history of television." " Excuse me." "Excuse me." " And in an industry famous for back-biting and bitchiness, he was a gentleman of unquestionable integrity." "Sorry." "Hello, all right?" "Oh, for..." " Sorry I'm a bit late, I..." " Shut up." "Richard Briers." "I..." "I was a bit late because I was just waiting for this, which is the prototype of..." " It's the prototype of the Ray doll." " I don't care." " There he is." " Oh, who's gonna buy that?" " Like I said before, stupid people." " Yeah." "Who are these stupid people?" "That is brilliant." "Can you buy them?" "It's good, isn't it?" "You will be able to buy them." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Turn it off!" "What are you doing?" "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "I was with Len only a few days before the end..." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "...and he didn't have long." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Just turn it off." "Take the batteries out or something." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Have you got one of those very tiny screwdrivers?" " Are you having a laugh?" " His wife..." " Is he having a laugh?" " He leaves his loving wife..." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Take the batteries out." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having a laugh?" "Tacky shit!" " Oh, dear." "I think it's broken." " Yeah." "I think you're right." "Pull my trousers up." " Oh, hello." "Andy's friend, Maggie." " Yes, hi." "Yeah." "He didn't introduce us, so, hello, pleased to meet you." "Hi." " God, you two used to go out?" " Oh, for about 10 minutes." "Why did he let you go?" "Look at you, all lovely." " Oh, thanks." " Bit of a catch for him." "A man that didn't lose his virginity till he was 28 and that was to a woman who looked like Ronnie Corbett, so..." "God, what did you say to him when he said he couldn't go out with you any more because he thought you were boring?" "He..." "He said it was because I was boring?" "Hmm?" "He told me it was because he'd just come out of a long-term relationship and he wasn't ready for something else." "(STAMMERING) Not boring, not boring." "He didn't say that you were boring." "He said..." "I think he said that the BAFTA thing, the kind of, the ceremony, doing all the clapping was probably gonna be boring because, um..." "Coming up, we have the prestigious BAFTA Fellowship, but first, the award for Comedy Performance." "So please, will you all welcome Harry Hill?" "Commiserations again, Andy." "I knew I wouldn't win." "I'm not in it for the awards anyway." "Well done." "Still, it's nice to have some recognition from one's peers, isn't it?" "Listen, it's not really my business, but have you considered doing something without a laughter track?" "I think they're considered rather old-fashioned these days." "You know, if you want to pick up one of these old gongs." "Not bothered." "As I say, not in it for the awards." "Also, I don't know, wigs and silly glasses, bit undignified for men of our age, don't you think?" "I don't think we're the same age, but cheers." " Looks a bit desperate is all I'm saying." " I don't feel desperate." "As I say, it's a knock-about comedy." "I'm not into high-art, so..." "Ah, yes, but as Oscar Wilde so wonderfully put it," ""We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."" "He was probably looking up men's trousers, the old poof." "Sorry?" " He was looking up at the stars, yeah." " Yes." "That's right." "I'm off to look at some stars myself right now." " You'll be seeing stars in a minute." " What?" "Nothing." "Why do you keep coming back in?" " Andy." " What are you doing?" "Come in here." "It's all kicking off in here." " I'm not coming in there." " Come in here." " What are you doing?" "What?" " Just come in." "(SNORTING)" " Who's that?" " Oh, hi!" " How are you doing?" "All right?" " Yeah." "He's one of us." "Don't worry." " I'm not into this." " No, it's all right." "Just have a little bit." "It'll just cheer you up a bit." " No, no, no." "What's going on in there?" "I'm just finishing up." "Excuse me for five minutes." "Why are you doing a woman's voice?" " How many people are in there?" " One." "That's a different voice." "Two, including the woman that you just heard." "Open the door." "Right, let me explain, okay?" "I was just in here, and I was leaving, and he put his..." "That's my agent." "Darren Lamb, nice to meet you." "You shouldn't say your name." "Never tell them your name." "Well, don't..." "Well, he knows who..." "it was your fault." " Why was it my fault?" "Well, because they saw your head over the cubicle door." "They saw your head under the cubicle door, but there's no point in arguing amongst ourselves, we're..." "Well, well, well, the Three Stooges." " Sorry. ls something funny?" " Your joke was excellent." "Shut up." "Corbett." "It's always bloody Corbett." "You see, I expect it of him." "But you, you're the new kid on the block, aren't you?" "I mean, how'd you fall in with his crowd?" "Is this it or is there any more?" "Just a bit of whizz, you know, to blow away the cobwebs." "Hand it over, then." "Come on." " And where did you get it?" " I don't remember." "Now, don't piss me about." "Where did you get it?" "I don't remember." "Was it Moira Stuart?" "I can't say." "Look, we don't want you." "Just give us a name, you can walk free." "You don't get it, mate, do you?" "I don't remember." "All right, here's something you will remember." "You're banned from BAFTA." "You can never win a BAFTA now." " What?" "Me as well?" " Yeah, all of you." "Oh." "You can never attend any of our varied events." "You can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, and you can't even come to the Children's BAFTAs." "What about the Welsh BAFTAs?" "Well, would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?" " Probably." " Okay, expect a call." " He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs if you want." " Yeah." "Yeah, we're after, you know, more respected comedians." " Makes sense." " Get out of my sight." " That's all of you, yeah." " Makes sense?" " I reckon I could have had him in a fight." " Yeah." "You idiot!" "And the winner is Holby City." "Thank you all very, very much indeed." " I'd like to thank..." " Is that the girl you lost your virginity to?" " Who?" " The one that looks like Ronnie Corbett." "That is Ronnie Corbett." " Why would she be wearing a tuxedo?" " She might be a lesbian." "And why would I lose my virginity to a lesbian?" "I don't know." "She might have turned lesbian after you slept with her." "...we all say thank you for that." "On a personal note, thank you to my partner." "Once again, thank you..." "Well, I can never win a BAFTA as long as I live." " Why?" " I don't want to go into it." "This is a shitty night." "Can't get any worse, though." "I'd just like to say to Andy Millman, right," "I may be boring, but at least I didn't lose my virginity when I was 28" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) to a woman who looks like Ronnie fucking Corbett." "Prick!" "(CROWD EXCLAIMING)" "No explanations needed." "What's up next?" "Huw Wheldon Award for Specialist Factual, brilliant." "(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN SUNG BY CHRIS MARTIN)" " Oh, can we get a cab?" " No." "We'll walk." "I'm joking." "If we sell the dress, we can get a limo." " Sorry, can I get your autograph, please?" " Sure." " What's your name?" "It's Paul." "(THUDDING)" "(MOUTHS)"