"Here's another concept:" "Shut up." "It's an evening out." "The longer you're married, the less you go out." "In a couple of years, we're gonna end up bricked into our apartment like a Poe story." "So, Louise, are you in the newspaper business, also?" "No, I'm a psychiatrist." "Well, that's the last thing I'm gonna say tonight." "So, Sara, you never told me." "How was the Sky Studio fashion thing you went to the other night?" "Did you meet anyone worth mentioning?" "No." "Really?" "I find that very odd." " Max." " I think you're being odd." "Well, I'm always odd." "It's why you married me." "And it's why I married you." "Speaking of which, Hitch... what exactly are your intentions for the lovely Sara?" "Wait, you know what?" "Actually, there was someone." "I think I met your friends Albert and Allegra." " My friends who and who?" " Allegra Cole?" "Really?" "How do you know her?" " I don't." " So you know Albert?" " Knew." " He had your tickets." "I mean, how well do you really know your accountant?" "April 15, and then you don't see him again till April 15." "Ladies and gentlemen... a coquille St. Jacques with a lemon butter reduction." " Compliments of our chef." " Thank you." "I'm sure you're really gonna enjoy this." "That's really good." "I'm very impressed." "Why is that?" "Around these two, people usually can't wait to name-drop and dish their friends... and you're being all discreet." "Yeah, it's quite endearing." "Actually, it is." "So why don't we change the subject?" " Are you all right?" " Yeah." "No, I'm fine." "So Sara tells me that you're a consultant, Hitch." "Yeah, mostly marketing, little advertising, brand management." "I have no idea what that means." "No one does." "That's why I get to charge so much." "Are you sure you're all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Is it itchy in here or is it just me?" " I know what's happening." " No." "You think that I'm in a stressful state... because I'm trying to make a good impression... while also dealing with my commitment issues... trying to avoid all these awkward conversations." "No, I think you have food allergies." " Wow." " What?" " Benadryl." "Where's the Benadryl?" " Aisle 2." " Which one's Aisle 2?" " The one with the big 2 over it." "Sara, I'm fine." " You sure it's in Aisle 2?" " No." "Really, it is not that serious." "Benadryl." " A lot of Benadryl." "A lot." " What?" "Are you..." "Coquille St. Jacques." "Death on a leaf!" "Come on!" "Okay, we're doing fine." "Just a couple more blocks and you get to lie down." "Wait, who sings that song again?" "Oh, girl." "Earth, Wind  Fire." "You should let them sing it." "I bet this would be great on the rocks." "It's good, right?" "I bet I can ask you just about anything right now." "No." "I'm a vault, baby." "Locked down." "What is an heiress doing with a CPA?" "They're going to the Knicks game." "Yep, Fort Knox." "He loves her so much!" "I'm sure he does." "I'm telling you, people search their whole lives trying to find the..." "Reasons that we're here" "I wouldn't know." "You would if you saw it." "Sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze." "What about you?" "You ever been in love?" "Yep." "But you're never gonna know that." "Okay, I think you've had enough of the juice box." "Let's go." "This is some place." "You live here alone?" "Yeah." "I actually prefer it that way." "What about you?" "I haven't had a roommate since college, and he upped and married my sister." " Really?" " Yeah, they're gonna have a baby soon." "Uncle Hitch." "Thank you." " So, how do you feel?" " Good." "Relaxed." "So what about you?" "Any siblings?" "Sister." "Maria." "Lives in D.C." "Younger, right?" "I could hear it in your voice." "Sort of an innate protective thing." "Yeah, I guess." "What?" "She almost died once." "I was 10." "We were skating on the pond behind our house... and she fell through the ice." "My dad pulled her out." "Gave her mouth-to-mouth." "Longest three minutes of my life." "Yeah, I'm sure." "I don't think I've ever really gotten over it." "Kind of defines you, doesn't it?" "You know like, one moment you're gliding along... the next moment you're standing in the rain watching your life fall apart." "Except it was snow." "Yeah." "That's what I said, "snow. "" "You said "rain. "" "Some kind of precipitation." "Is that what happened to you?" "Nothing as dramatic as falling through the ice." "You know... it definitely..." "Left a scar?" "Yeah." "I guess it's best just not to love at all, right?" "Or skate." "Are you here?" "Sara, you're such an idiot!" "You moron!" "What the hell did you think?" "You're so stupid!" "You gotta learn, Sara." " When are you gonna learn..." " Should I come back later?" "Hi." "I thought you left." "Well, I did, but then I came back with breakfast." "I figured it was the least that I could do." "I didn't know what you were drinking... so I got a grande cap, a latte, an Earl Grey tea... and something with "chai" in the title." "Tea for me." "Tea." "Yes!" "I was hoping you'd say that." "Oh, God." "You're a morning person, aren't you?" "Well, like I always tell my clients:" "Begin each day as if it were on purpose." " Wow." "Beautiful day." " Yeah." " Beautiful girl." " Thank you." "Well, I'm this way." "I'm that way." "Give me a ring sometime." "I mean, on the phone." "No, I definitely will." "Good." "I gotta go to work." "Bye." "Goodbye." "Can you believe what a beautiful day it is... not?" " What's wrong, pumpkin?" " I'm so stupid." "I ignored your advice." "I went on that date." "With who?" "Not the lingerie guy." "Vance Munson." "And you're right, there's no way he ever had a mother." "That bad?" "He took me to Scalinatella, and he was affectionate and sweet." "He told me all these intimate things, like how he can't taste food... and he wants three kids." "So you slept with him." "I never seen anybody get dressed that fast." "Case, I'm so sorry." " Maybe I'll just die alone after all." " No, you won't." "You'll meet a great guy with a great smile and you'll travel the world together." "Who are you?" "Where's my best friend?" "It's true." "He just hasn't found you yet." "But he will." "Just as he's leaving, guess what he says:" ""Date Doctor, my ass. "" " What does that mean?" " It means he's really out there." "And if I ever meet him, the only date he's gonna need is with a real doctor." "That's him." "Vance, is that you?" "Yeah, hey there, beautiful." "Sara Melas, from the Standard." "I'd like to discuss the dating consultant you hired... before you went out with Casey Sedgewick." "You don't wanna talk, that's fine." "I'm going to write this anyway." "You just earned yourself a photo with a boldface caption." "What?" "Nice." "I can only imagine how the trading floor guys will react when they see this." "You have no proof, no facts." "Vance, I'm a gossip columnist, not the DA." "Okay, how much will it cost me to stay out of this?" "I don't want money." "I want a name." " I don't know his name." " Well, what do you know?" "I know this." "All this for a lousy lay." "Are we satisfied?" "Almost." "No, you..." "You got to be..." "Is this really necessary?" "Have you seen your back?" "No, but I see my front and maybe we should be starting with some sit-ups." "God!" "Mother of Troy!" "Hello?" "That's crazy." "Just hearing your voice makes me smile." "How are you?" "I'm good, I think." "No, actually, you know what?" "I feel a little strange." "I'm good." "Sweet Georgia Brown!" "What was that?" "No, that's just some guy screaming." "Listen, is there any context... under which you'd consider facial edema and pharmaceutical intervention a date?" "Probably not." "How about a do-over?" " What do you have in mind?" " Dinner, my place." "Because obviously going anywhere public with you is out of the question." "God!" "That's it." "I don't like you very much." "What is that?" "Wait, I'm getting up." "It's like one of those makeover shows." " That's a makeover show?" " It's Danish." "Almost done!" "Friday?" "Can't." "I told a friend I'd go speed dating." "You know, for moral support." "But tomorrow I'm free." "Great." "All right, 8:00?" "Great." " All right." "Bye-bye." " Bye." " See, it wasn't so bad, was it?" " God!" "Ball is back in play after a 20-second timeout." "Knicks lead the Grizzlies, 12-6, here early in the first quarter." " So this is what this feels like?" " "This" being?" "Great seats, great game." "Great date." "I mean, sort of." "To me, it feels like a..." " Date?" " Yeah." "Look at her." "She looks so happy." "How does a guy like that end up with a girl like her?" "I am so jealous." "I've always wanted to be able to do that." "Really?" "Tonight is your lucky night." "Let's see what you got." "Okay." "You ready?" " Oh, God." "I'm sorry." " It's fine." "Knicks off to a great start..." "All right, here's how it works." "Central Park Zoo, tomorrow, noon, by the sea lions." "No, don't worry." "I'll find you." "All right." "Thank you." "It's all right." "I'm sorry." "Damn me." "That was it!" "You got it." "Do it again." "Look how cute they are." "Thanks." "I had a great time tonight, Albert." "I had a great time, too, Allegra." "Good night." "Good night, Albert." " Allegra." " Yes?" "Hold on." "I like your lips." "They seem to like you, too." "Good night." "Good night." " Anything?" " Not yet." "But I got some great shots of you biting your nails." "Well, it's a big story." " Incoming." " Really?" "Yep." "They're shaking hands." "This is so great." "I can't wait to nail this guy." "Make sure you get a good shot of his face." " What's he look like?" " Tall, dark, and handsome." "Basic principles:" "No matter what, no matter who, no matter when." "This is killing me." "Geoff is managing to play it straight." "How long have you been in love with her?" "Her?" "About two-and-a-half years." "Take a look." " How'd you get my card?" " Albert Brennaman." " Great guy, isn't he?" " Excellent guy." "What?" "Sara." " Pleasure to meet you, Geoff." " Hey, what..." " How'd you get my card?" " Albert Brennaman." " Great guy, isn't he?" " Excellent guy." "You sure you want to do this?" "Why wouldn't I?" "Louise made an interesting observation on the way home the other night." "She said people who are guarded are afraid... that you can see right through them." "That's why they hide behind layers of secrecy or humor." "He'll have to hide behind a lot more than that once this hits the fan." "She meant you." "What do you want me to say?" "That I like the guy?" "Yeah, sure, I liked the guy." "Well, here's his shirt." " Why don't you think about it?" "Call me." " Thanks." "Papi, Sara Melas is here to see you." "Thanks a lot, Raoul." "Send her up." "And stop calling me papi." "Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes." "I believe this belongs to you." "Yeah, this thing is like a bad penny." "Wow!" "So this is it." "Yeah, this is it." "Business must be good." "Well, it has its rewards." "I'll bet." "Tough day?" "You could say that." "Well, you know what?" "You can just sit back and relax." "I got this all covered." "Spanish wine!" "How thoughtful are we?" " Here, let me pour that for you." " No, that's okay." " You want some?" " Sure." "So, Hitch." "Is that a noun or a verb?" "I guess it depends." "Let's see, what should we toast to?" "Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink." "But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love." "If you must steal, steal away from bad company." "If you must cheat, cheat death." "And if you must drink... drink in the moments that take your breath away." "Did you just make that up?" "Make yourself at home." "I'm gonna check on the risotto." "Look at this!" "Which one's the music?" "It does lights, too?" "Let me help you out with that." "Now, this is nifty." "What are you doing?" "How does it work, exactly?" "Well, usually you have dinner, then you have dessert." "No, I mean your thriving business." "I don't do interviews." "But if you'd like to get back to the evening, I'd be happy to sit and talk." "Great idea." "You start." "Well, maybe I would if you weren't snarling." "What if I told you... that I know exactly what you do and how you do it?" "And I think it's despicable!" "You know what?" "We might need to go out to dinner." "There's a great seafood restaurant I'd love to take you to." "How about you just get a cleaver, butcher?" " Maybe I will!" " What the hell is wrong with you?" "Nothing a front-page story can't cure." "So that's what this is all about?" "Albert and Allegra on the front of your crap-ass newspaper?" " You put them there!" " No, you did!" "No, he did!" "The minute he called you!" "Dr. Hitch." "Listen to me, papi." "I need to bring my partner, Amir, somewhere amazing for our anniversary." "Maybe it's not your thing, but maybe it is." "What the hell are you talking about, Raoul?" "It's you, no?" "So, my friend, how was she?" "Pretty good?" "How was she?" "I'll tell you!" "She was great!" "Isn't that the Date Doctor?" " I'm telling you, that's him." " He doesn't look anything like him." " Excuse me." "Do you know him?" " No." "I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that he did not hire you." "Ma'am, I have never seen this man before in my life." "See you later, Tony." "Tony?" "You have got some serious explaining to do." "Albert." "Hitch." "You all right?" "I can't really talk right now." "I'm kind of tied up." "One, two." "On three." "Women will remain seated." "Men will rotate to the left at the buzzer." "You get two minutes each, four minutes total." "So trade your talk time when you hear... the gong." "If it's mutual, you get numbers." "If not, better luck next time, okay?" "Ladies, take your seats." "Case, you are a living testimonial to the triumph of hope over experience." "Thanks for coming." "I know it's lame." "I'm sure it's the last thing you feel like doing." "I really prefer Rachmaninoff to the heavier romantic composers." "But despite the pan-Germanic anti-Semitism..." "I'd still have to say my favorite is Wagner." " Nice talking to you." " Thank you." "Bye." "Bye." "Excuse me." "That's my seat, man." "My name is Ron." "I'm 28." "Albert Brennaman is a good man." "In fact, Albert Brennaman is a great man." "I just got out of a five-year relationship." "I'm a lot of fun at parties." "I like dogs..." "And then you're mad at me for what I do for a living?" "I've already got your number... so why don't you go consult your conscience?" " Albert is in love with her." " Just like Sebastian?" " Is there a problem?" " No, just one sec." " What do you have against Allegra anyway?" " Nothing." "My interest is protecting women from assholes like you." "I did ice climbing once." " You don't even know me." " And whose fault is that?" "...the sun comes up, the ice really starts to fall apart." "I bet." "I'm sorry." " Do you know this guy?" " Apparently not." "You're in my seat." "You really..." "I'm doing you a favor, believe me." "Basically, I like outdoor sports." "But indoor sports have their place, too." "There are certain aspects of my job that are secretive." "And my job is to try to find the truth." "The truth?" "You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head." "If Albert Brennaman has to take a fall for it, so be it." "Why don't you say what's really pissing you off?" "I've been waiting to talk to her..." " You want to sit down?" "Here you go." "Gong!" " Thank you." "Excuse me." "Hi." "Actually, you're not supposed to move." "I'm Alex Hitchens." "No, it's okay." "Go." " I'm Casey." " Hi, Casey." "I work for a small publishing house in the press department... which isn't actually where I want to be." "But it's a good house..." "You handled me." "You manipulated me." "You researched me and you showed me my great-grandfather's signature." "Wait." "You're Ellis Island?" " I thought that was real sweet." " Thank you." "Case, you're not helping." "Excuse me, I'm on a date." "Does it ever occur to women that maybe a guy might like to have a plan... because he's nervous?" "He's not sure that he could just walk up to you and you'd respond if he said:" ""I like you. "" " That sounds good to me." " True, you can't tell them you like them." " I tried that." "It didn't go well." " I've crashed and burned on that." "That is what you did, and I did like you!" "I just didn't know I was being worked over by some professional." "He doesn't have a badge." "The only time he was sincere or spontaneous... was when everything was going wrong or when you were stoned out of your head." " I'm sorry to interrupt." "Do I know you?" " No, I don't think so." " You wanna see me be spontaneous?" " Sure, you want a Benadryl?" "This is really kind of distracting." "And I haven't gotten laid in a year!" "We're sorry." "Why don't you guys get back to your date?" "Or go somewhere." "Maybe from the bank?" "If this doesn't work out, call him." "He might hook you up with Paris Hilton." "Wait, that's it." "You're the Date Doctor, right?" " You're the Date Doctor?" " Do we have a problem here?" "Yeah, a big one!" "What the hell did I ever do to you?" "Am I missing something?" "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." "Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy Vance?" "Wow." "I don't believe this." "That's your source?" "You buried yourself, Alex." "Then you weren't listening." "I heard every word." "You're a scam artist." " You trick women into getting..." " Into getting out of their own way... so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance." "No, I want everybody to take a good look at this right now." "Because this right here... this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard." "Sir, let's go." "Now." "And Vance Munson is a pig!" "And I refused to work with him." "You need to get your facts right." "It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job." "Had a job." "Can you believe that guy?" "Actually, I do." "You... complete me." " I might just have..." " Shut up." "Just shut up." "You had me at "hello. "" "No comment." "This is off the record." "I came to apologize." "I made some assumptions about you... based on nothing, it turns out." " I guess Casey's right." "My best friend..." " Don't worry about it." "We're straight." "I should've asked you." "But sometimes you're so guarded." "I just don't wanna be another reason for you to..." "I'm not someone who likes to get involved past a certain point." "And that point was about a week ago." "Well, I just want to say I'm really sorry... and I didn't mean to hurt you." "You didn't." "That's a relief." " Hey, fella." " Yeah, good." "You?" "What you got there?" "This?" "I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much." "She hasn't called back?" "You want some coffee?" "I want you to fix it." "I got nothing, Albert." "You wanna do something?" "We should get out tonight." "Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this." "I swear I'm going out of my mind." "I wanna throw myself off of every building in New York." "I see a cab and I wanna dive in front of it, because then I'll stop thinking about her." "Look, you will." "Just give it time." "That's just it." "I don't want to." "I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable." "If this is the only way I can stay connected with her... then this is who I have to be." "No, you don't." "You can change, you can adapt." "You can make it so you don't ever have to feel like this." "Ever again." "Oh, my God." "You just don't get it, do you?" "I get it." "Let me get this straight." "You're selling this stuff, but you don't believe in your own product." " Love is my life." " No." "Love is your job." "You wanna jump out a plane without a chute, be my guest." "But forgive me if I don't join you." "This isn't about love for you at all, is it?" "This whole time, I thought I was the coward." " Where you going?" " Skydiving." "Taxi!" "Mr. Hitchens." "Miss Cole, thank you very much for seeing me." "You said it was a matter of life and death." "That man would've sold his soul to make you happy." "So what does that make you, the devil?" "My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole." "It's to create opportunities." "Like the boardroom." " Would you have noticed him otherwise?" " Yes." " Really?" " Eventually." "Maybe." "How did you know all that stuff about me?" "Well, you really did your homework." "Like at boarding school when everyone used to tease me because I couldn't whistle." "And having him dance like a buffoon knowing that I can't dance, either." "Then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt, so I'd feel less like a dork." "That was all you, right?" "No." "Hell, no." "That was him?" "That's got Albert written all over it." "Did you put him up to the inhaler?" "Stop it." "He did not show you that." "He chucked it right before he kissed me." "So, wait... that stuff worked for you?" "It was adorable." "What did you do?" "Nothing." "Absolutely nothing." "That's good." " This was your plan the whole time?" " Albert." "You sail off into the sunset with my girl?" "You were like a brother to me!" " He came here for you." " Who?" "The guy you're choking." " I love you." " I love you." "I really love you." " I love you more." " I love you more." "I really do." "I got somewhere I gotta go." " Yeah, who is it?" " Hitch." "Can I talk to you?" "What?" "You almost hit me." "Look, I just wanted to stop by, basically." "See, this is the thing." "This is weird." "I don't have me behind the door, you know." "Close your mouth." "Because I knew at some point I'd be... right here." "But I thought that... everything would come out, but it's like..." "That's throwing me off." " Can we close the door?" " What?" "I'm sorry." "Just, can we..." "I just need..." " Are you serious?" " No, just like this." "What do you want, Hitch?" "You." "For a whole lot of reasons that don't make any sense to me." "I mean, what, we've been on three dates?" "See, that's what's crazy." "That's what's crazy, because I know." "I know deep... like just down, just in this area... that I just know... that I want..." "I want to be miserable." "Like, really miserable." "Because, hey... if that's what it takes for me to be happy then..." "Wait, that didn't come out right." "What the hell is wrong with you?" " Nothing!" " No, not you." "I'm talking to me." "Alex Hitchens, Tom Reda." "I'll just put this in the car." "Maybe it's like what you said." "We should just both go our separate ways and then we'll do just fine." "What if fine isn't good enough?" "What if I want extraordinary?" "No such thing." "I'm just as scared as you are, Sara." "But I'm right here, and our time is right now." "Well, what about before?" "I am a guy." "Since when do we get anything right the first time?" "I'm a realist, and I know what love does to people." " No, you don't." " Keys." "There you go." "Right here." "I don't know who this is, and I don't care." "What I do know is he'll never feel about you the way that I do." " You know how to drive a stick?" " Both of you, shut up!" " You okay?" " Yeah." "No, I'm fine." "You'll never be fine, and neither will I!" "Maybe I should drive." "Are you trying to get yourself killed?" "If that's what it takes." "Sara, what happened?" " He jumped on the car." " Why?" "Because that's what people do." "They leap and hope to God they can fly." "Because otherwise... we just drop like a rock... wondering the whole way down:" ""Why in the hell did I jump?"" "But here I am, Sara, falling." "And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly." "That's you." "So, you kind of like me?" "No." "I love you." "I love you, and I knew it from the first..." "If I say it back now, it'll sound so stupid." "This is the guy I was telling you about." "Hitch, that's my sister, Maria." "And that's her husband, Tom." "Her husband." "Where's your date?" "Don't have one." "I know." "Shocking, huh?" "Oh, my God!" "Are you all right?" "Grandma, what happened?" "This young lady just saved my life." "Ask her to dance." "Well, if you insist." " I'm Casey." " Charles Wellington." " And this..." " Forget it." "Just go." "Basic principles:" "There are none." "Ripped by SkyFury"