"Okay, here's the deal... if we plug these in and they light up, we got to spend the afternoon untangling them." "If they don't, we can chuck 'em and watch the game." "Yeah." "I know what I'm rooting for." "Yeah." " Aw..." " Aw..." " Hey...!" " Hey...!" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" " Aw..." " Aw..." " Hey...!" " Hey...!" "I think we celebrate that with a Christmas beer." "Hey, remember when we used to help Dad untangle the Christmas lights?" "Yeah." "That's where I learned all my swear words." "He'd start with a couple a couple frickin' frackin's, and then he'd move on to the good stuff." "Hey." "Hey, honey." "Oh, look at the lights." "It's exciting!" "It's the time to deck the halls and jingle some bells." " Don, you remember Christmas Andi." " Yeah." "She's just like regular Andi, except if someone popped off her head and stuffed her full of snowflakes and speed." "I can't help it... it's my favorite time of year." "Oh, which reminds me." "For our Christmas pictures this year, we're all gonna wear matching sweaters for maximum cuteness." "I smell a trip to Sweater Barn." "Oh, Sweater Barn!" "Great idea, Don." "Thanks!" "Yeah, thanks, Don." " Well, at least it's not Candle House." " Oh!" "Candle House!" "Thank you for reminding me." " You did that one to yourself." " Yeah." "Okay, honey, you know I love Christmas Andi, okay, but I don't want you making yourself crazy, all right?" "Christmas is still three weeks away, and you're already at level eight." "That's okay, I can go all the way to a hundred." "Okay." "Well, I'm off to the craft store." "I can't believe I let our glitter supply get this low." "Look, hey, hey, hey, before you go, just think about this, okay?" "You're back to work now, we both have a lot on our plates... maybe we should just dial it back a little this year." " Dial it back?" " Mm-hmm." "Oh, no, we have to amp it up because I'm back at work." "Look, I..." "I want the kids to know that" "I may have a job now, but my heart is still at home, covered with tinsel." "So that's a no on dialing it back?" "Look, I know it's a lot, but..." "look, on Christmas morning when those kids come running down those stairs to open their presents, it's-it's magical." "It's my magical moment, and it makes all the hard work worth it." "Hey, if you really want to amp up Christmas," "I suggest a trip to Decoration Station." "Oh, I love that place!" "5,000 square feet of things to hang on a tree." "The choices will bring Adam to his knees." "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to send you to some more boring stores, 'cause I think it's funny." " Aw..." " Aw..." "You guys better untangle those." "Andi's on a holiday roll, man." "You got some tough weeks ahead of you." "Yeah, but she loves it." "Happy wife, happy life." "Happy husband..." "It's so unimportant nobody even tried to rhyme it." "You know, there is a way out of this..." "outsource it." "Fix it so that you guys spend Christmas with one of the grandparents." "Let them do all the work." "Well, we can't go to our folks." "Things are weird between Mom and Andi since she caught Andi staring at her chin whisker." "You could strum a guitar with that thing." "But you know what?" "Andi's parents could work." "Yeah, I mean, they're both active, they're both clean-shaven... and they're both as crazy about Christmas as she is." "You know, they'd do all the prep." "It'd take a lot of pressure off Andi." "And less work for you." "Yeah, don't think I didn't notice that." "Mm, I don't know, though, you know." "If I suggest it, she's gonna know I have an angle." "She's smart, Don... it's her only bad quality." "You don't suggest it to Andi." "Call her parents, say the grandkids miss them, sit back, let it happen." "It's like taking candy from... a really old baby." "I love this idea." "I'm gonna call them right now." "I'm right here if anything goes wrong." "You haven't moved all day." "True." "Frank." "It's Adam." "How's things in Virginia Beach?" "You guys getting ready for Christmas?" "Yeah, the kids sure would love to see you this year." "Huh?" "Spend Christmas at your place?" "I'm in." "But run it by Andi." "Yeah, but say it came from you;" "don't tell her it was my idea." "Why?" "U-Uh..." "Hold on a sec." "Why?" "Just hang up." "Uh, because I want you guys to get credit for this great idea." "Yeah." "Okay." "Oh." "Ho-ho-ho to you, too." "Hey, um, my folks just called." "They want us to go to Virginia Beach for Christmas." "What?" "That's out of the blue." "Yeah, but we should just stay here, right?" "Definitely, yeah." "On the other hand... you know, now that I'm thinking about it for the first time... it might make your life easier." "You know, you said you wanted an amped-up Christmas and you know your parents go Christmas crazy." "It's genetic." "Yeah, I mean, they did sound pretty excited." "And I guess it would be less work for us." "Would it be?" "I don't know, let's just do it and see." "Yeah, I mean, I suppose we could do all our Christmas Eve traditions down there, right?" "I mean, like, buying the tree, and wrapping the presents, and bandaging your paper cuts from wrapping the presents." "Three generations, celebrating the holiday together." "You know, now that I'm over the surprise of it," "I got to say, that sounds pretty good." "I'll call it "Christmas Through the Generations."" "You know, we've never taken a picture with my parents all in the same sweater." "You are knocking me out, lady." "And I'll still get my magic moment Christmas morning." "I love it." "I'm gonna go check flights to Virginia." "That's a great idea." "Yeah." "You know, I got to say, I feel a little silly that I didn't think of this one myself." "Well, you got to admit, all this free time has been pretty relaxing, right?" "Yeah." "Weird, but relaxing." "Oh, I talked to my parents and they are taking care of everything." "They even had our traditional pre-Christmas fight for us." "Oh, and we're all set on the kids' gifts." "I ordered everything online," "I had it sent directly to Virginia." "It was amazing." "I'd pick one thing and the Internet would say," ""If you like this, you might also like this."" "And I did, every time." "Mommy, I finished my letter to Santa." "Oh, good job, sweetie." "Just in case he didn't get your first 17." "I'm not taking any chances." "So, how'd you do?" "I got everything, except the baby sister." "Mom, did you tell Dad about who stopped by earlier?" "Oh, yeah, Carol Robertson from next door." "Yeah, she dropped off her keys so we could watch their place while they're away, but really, it was really just an excuse to brag about their two-week vacation to Hawaii." "Well, did you tell her that we'd be spending the next three days in Virginia Beach, the Hawaii of Virginia?" "Yeah, she said we had the shortest vacation of anyone she knew." "And then she flipped her hair so hard she almost fell off the porch." "Yeah," "Sasha Robertson is the meanest girl in our class." "She started a rumor that I wear a wig." "And I know she got a nose job." "I mean, sure, you get hit in the face with a volleyball and your nose gets cuter?" "Why can't you just tell people you don't wear a wig?" "In middle school, the more you deny something, the more people believe it." "Ow!" "Give it a yank, Dad." "Something's going on there." "Okay, I'm gonna walk away." "You do what you need to do." "Merry Christmas Eve morning, babe." "Huh?" "Honey, that blizzard that was supposed to hit New York last night?" " It hit us instead." " Ooh." "They say it's bigger than the blizzard of '75." "Ha!" "Take that, '75." "No, the airports are closed." "How are we gonna get to my parents'?" "I mean, I have a suitcase full of matching sweaters and I need some old people to wear them." "Okay, plan B:" "we are driving to Virginia." "Yeah, who doesn't like a road trip, right?" "And the lack of visibility will make it exciting." "Like a video game." "Turn up the heat, it's cold." "I hope your wig doesn't freeze." "I'm going to choke you while you're sleeping." "All right, all right." "No choking until after Christmas." "Look, the Robertsons keep posting bikini selfies from Hawaii." "Give me that." "Hey, give me that." "Give me that!" "All right, let's hit the road." "Virginia, here we come." "I don't think we're moving." "Guys, I don't think we're making it to Virginia for Christmas." "Then I'm going back inside." "It's windy out there." "Hold on to your wig." "Don't fall asleep, Teddy." "Don't ever fall asleep." "Well, I could try and dig us out." "Oh, no." "They just closed all the roads." "Okay, okay, all right, so we'll have just have Christmas at home." "Like we always do." "But it won't be the same." "I mean, we don't have anything ready." "We don't even have a tree." "Or do we?" "Okay, I think you know where you can put that." "Oh, I know it's awful." "But we can't control the weather, Dad." "What?" "Why would Adam be disappointed?" "Oh." "Coming to see you was his idea." "Just hang up." "So this whole trip to Virginia was a scam." "You went behind my back, you manipulated my parents, and you set into motion a chain of events that effectively ruined Christmas for everyone." "To be fair... okay?" "If it hadn't snowed and you hadn't found out, you wouldn't be mad right now." "Okay, so," "I think we're both victims of bad luck." "Just... walk me through your thought process." "Well, I was talking to Don..." "Ah." "So there was no thought process." "Okay, I'm sorry, all right?" "But I was thinking of you." "I felt like you were taking on too much." "And you got to admit, these last three weeks have been very relaxing." "Do I look relaxed now?" "Well, I think you look beautiful, baby." "Come on." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "I think you were just trying to get out of all the holiday work." "Well, sure, there was a little bit of that." "But you got to look at it from my perspective, okay?" "Every year, I take friendly fire from Christmas Andi." "You know?" "You remember the time you made me put the inflatable Santa up on the roof and the wind picked up?" "Me and Kris Kringle parasailed into the church parking lot." "Okay, that was scary." "And a little funny, but..." "I guess I can go a little bit overboard at Christmas." "All right, look, honey," "I love that you want Christmases to be great." "You're adorable." "It's like being married to a... sexy elf." "And I'm sorry this isn't what we expected, but you know what?" "I think we have the makings of a classic Christmas here." "We got snow, family." "Forgiveness." "Huh?" "Fine." "But I just want you to know that, normally," "I would stay mad longer, but Christmas Andi's just too freaking jolly." "You know what we'll do?" "We'll have a... simple, old-fashioned Christmas." " Yeah." " We can make our own decorations, sing songs by the fire." "You know what?" "I'm actually getting excited about this." "You know, there's no reason that this can't be one of our best Christmases ever." "Hey, if we don't have a tree, where is Santa gonna put all our presents?" "What?" "Presents." "She said "presents."" "Yes, I-I heard her." "Uh, okay, uh... here's the thing, sweetie, um, Santa thinks we're in Virginia." "Yes, yes." "That's a good point." "Yeah." "Listen, honey, honey, you know," "Santa is gonna deliver all the presents to Virginia because he doesn't know we're stuck here." "Daddy, he sees you when you're sleeping." "He knows when you're awake." "He knows we're in Pittsburgh." "Okay." "That's really an ironclad argument there." "Well?" "Why aren't I one of those moms that buys extra toys in case of emergencies?" "Because there's no such thing as a toy emergency." "Oh, really?" "'Cause I think we might be in the middle of one right now." " You haven't found anything?" " No." "Just... an unopened box of birth control pills." "Well, that's troubling." "Look, we've got to find something." " I mean..." " Okay, okay." "Okay, I want you to see those happy faces on Christmas morning, all right?" "All right, um... you and the kids get started on the decorations, and I'm gonna head out and find us some presents." "Wha... but the whole town is closed down." "This is America, somebody's always selling something." "I like Crafty Christmas, Mom." " I think our tree's cute." " It is, isn't it?" "Who needs a fresh-cut tree when you've got Christmas spirit and Mommy's drying rack?" "You have a nice rack, Mommy." "It's a... drying rack, sweetie." "You got to say "drying" if you're gonna say "rack."" "Hey, there's my Christmas elves." "Wow, look at that tree." "Yeah." "All our real decorations are in the garage, which is frozen shut, but you know what?" "I think I handled that setback like a champ thanks to my new friend, peppermint schnapps." "Look." "I made a nativity scene out of my Transformers." "Baby Jesus transforms into a car, 'cause I think he could." "Well, sure he could, honey." "We really got to get him back in Sunday School." "Yeah." "So, uh, you guys, uh, keep decorating." "I just..." "I got to talk to Daddy in the kitchen for a minute, okay?" "So... how'd it go with the kids' presents?" "Before I tell you, they won't look good unless you know that the only place open that I could walk to was a gas station." "That being said," " I tried to be very thoughtful, okay?" " Okay." "Okay, Katie's taking Spanish, right?" "So I got her... taquitos." "I got a pool toy for Emme." "But we might have to change the packaging 'cause it says, "Trucker's Hemorrhoid Ring."" "And I got Teddy this really cool funnel." "You know, in case he wants to pour a lot of liquid into a really small opening." " We can't give them these." " What?" "I mean, sure, Teddy's gonna love that funnel, but... the rest of this stuff is no good." "You know what I love best about our tree, Mommy?" "Oh, what's that, sweetie?" "That's where all our presents are gonna go." "Oh, that's right, sweet pea." "You're not even gonna be able to see the tree because all the presents." "Yay!" "Why?" "I didn't want to disappoint her today, because tomorrow is gonna be brutal." "Yeah, because we don't have any presents to put under our drying-rack tree, which is decorated with spoons and chip clips." "I mean, those kids are gonna be devastated tomorrow and it's all thanks to you." "Wha... hey." "Hey, hey!" "What happened?" "I thought we made up." "I forgave you too quickly." "Christmas Andi's just a soft-hearted fool." " That's the pantry!" " Yeah." "Hey, Butterbean, why are you still awake?" "We forgot to put out cookies for Santa." "Ah." "Uh, listen, Emme, you know, I'm still a little worried that Santa might not have gotten the message that we're stuck in Pittsburgh." "You worry too much." "Well, I just don't want you to be disappointed if he doesn't come tonight." "The only reason Santa wouldn't come is if I wasn't good this year." "Oh, honey, you're the best kid there ever was." "Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?" "Oh, okay." "Here, come here." "Uh..." "'Twas the night before Christmas." "And a handsome prince had angered his princess because he foolishly listened to an idiot giant named Don." "That's like Uncle Don." "Exactly like Uncle Don." " Oh, right in the jingle bells." " Come on!" " Let's go open our presents!" " Come on!" "No, no, no, you guys, hold on, wait." "Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!" "Oh..." "This is gonna be so tough." "Okay, you ready for this?" "Yeah." "I'll just put some schnapps in my coffee." "Oh... my God." "Merry Christmas." "Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!" "See, I told you Santa would come." "A doll house!" "Oh, cool, an Xbox." "And a funnel!" "What is happening?" "Where did all this stuff come from?" "Well, last night, I was feeling really bad so I went out in the backyard and I looked up at the stars, and I wished with all my might for a Christmas miracle." "And that worked?" "No!" "No, then I remembered we had a key to the Robertson's, so I just went over there and stole everything." "Aw." "You stole me my magic moment." "This is the best Christmas ever." "Aw." "And don't worry, I'll put everything back." "When the Robertsons get home, everything will be just like they left it." "Except it's gonna stink, 'cause I stashed a taquito in their air vent." "That's weird." "All I got was this old notebook." "Oh, did you open it?" "Oh, my God!" "It's Sasha Robertson's diary!" "And she did have a nose job!" "It's a Christmas miracle."