"Murder Most Horrid" "That's it." "Nice and slow." "Take your time." "Damn!" "Yes!" "Dead on Time" "But!" "I am not a selfish bastard." "I am extremely senior management in one of the biggest players of the whole info media sector which is why I do not have time to remember every minor detail of your bloody diary." "It's my birthday!" "You promised we'd go out." "Well we're not." "I've got a meeting." "I've got a dinner." "I may be back late." "In fact, you know what, I may not be back at all." "What is so important this time?" "I'll tell you what's so important." "And that is making sure there is something in tomorrow's papers." "You see this?" "Without me, this wouldn't happen." "That is what I call important." "Inserts?" "They are not inserts!" "They are integrated advertorial supplements." "You always were too thick to understand." "I'm not too thick to understand that you're seeing another woman." "Oh what woman?" "You are a pig, Tony!" "Now what the hell d'you think you're doing?" "A pair of tickets for Phantom Of The Opera!" "For tonight!" "They're for a client, right." "It's a bloody important client." "Now give them back to me before I do something that I'll regret." "Hand them back to me." "You bitch!" "Give me them back." "Give me them back." "Give me them back." "Give me them back." "You've gone too far now." "You bloody bitch!" "Right, let's go." "Sorry?" "Look I'm a very busy woman dear." "I don't want to waste time." "I beg your pardon?" "Number 7." "Smedley?" "Yes." "And your name is?" "Alison Smedley." "Right so let's go now." "Smedley, A. Yes." "Number 7." "Look, perhaps I didn't make myself clear, sweetheart." "It's about the incident in the kitchen." "That?" "Oh it was just an argument." "Who are you?" "The police?" "So you're alright then?" "Yeah fine." "Not stabbed or bleeding to death?" "No." "Well you should be." "Are you the social senrices?" "Look there's no need to be offensive, alright?" "I'm just doing my bloody job, which frankly isn't made any easier by people like you." "Sorry, now isn't the time." "Yes it bloo..." "Yes it bloody is, it's the right time." "It's the right address." "It's the right bloody person." "What is it this time?" "Oh!" "Yup, definitely breathing." "Look, mind your own bloody business will you." "There is no bloody business, that is the point." "I'll be back, you know." "Today is the 2nd and that is definitely a 2." "Unless it's a 5." "It could be a 3." "Oh hell!" "It must be tomorrow." "Yes we are talking a major league cock up here." "I mean, the last time this happened, Lazarus jumped up and started to rhumba instead of decomposing." "But that a miracle in the Holy Land." "This is a mishap in suburbia." "I mean, muggins here turns up to do some routine grim reaping, right, only to find the punter extremely un-dead." "Sorry." "I hope you don't mind me talking to you like this." "I mean, we haven't met." "But we will." "Oh get a move on!" "I know what you're thinking." "You're thinking, that's never the Grim Reaper." "Not very grim as reapers go." "Well, I can be grim, it's just it's not allowed nowadays you see." "No, death's been updated, it's much more user friendly." "D'you want to make something of it?" "!" "I must stop doing that." "The modernisers won't have it you see." "I'm not even licensed to cary a sign." "You see this?" "This is as scary as it gets." "The Grim Strimmer pretty terrifying hey?" "I mean, give me the middle ages any day." "Sorry Tony, it's just not the same." "I'm sorry about the tickets, Rachel." "Alison ate them." "But I'll make it up to you." "I'm trying to get Greg from brochures to get some more, he knows a corporate b..." "Tony, I'm not sure we should cary on seeing each other like this." "You know, it's just so tacky." "What do you mean tacky?" "I've just bought you dinner at Pizza Hut." "Oh get off!" "We've had some good times together, Rachel." "Mostly in car parks." "Not always, there was that time in the executive toilet." "I need a cigarette." "Why?" "We haven't even done anything yet." "Yeah we're not going to do nothing 'til you sort things out with your wife." "Oh believe me, Rachel, my marriage to Alison is over." "The only physical contact we have now is when we fight." "God this morning it got so bad that I found a knife in my hand." "For a second there I thought I could have..." "Well maybe that would solve all your problems." "If it wasn't for that doorbell ringing!" "I don't believe it." "I was early." "I was bloody barbecue bottoming early." "I stopped it from happening." "She isn't like you, Rachel." "Oh yeah." "No, she doesn't understand the pressure that I'm under." "Being number 2 in print and detachables." "Rob Chris and I are on par." "You know that, Rachel!" "No, what I'm saying is, guys like me, we don't live by the rules." "We're free spirits." "Masters of our own destiny." "Take me home." "Of course." "This calls for some very creative reaping." "Hi." "Bye." "No, no, no, no, sorry I have to talk to you, it's very important." "It's a matter of life and death's bottom actually." "You're a Jehovah's Witness." "Err, not technically no." "More of a Jehovah's civil senrant really." "So you don't want to save me?" "Um, quite the opposite as it happens." "Well it's... difficult to know what to say in these circumstances and I will try to spare your feelings." "It's just that, well your husband has been shagging someone half your age in the back of his car at every available opportunity." "Oh, oh..." "Have I said something to upset you?" "Not really." "I've known all along but" "I didn't want to confront it." "Yeah, yeah." "Well her name's Rachel." "She's very attractive actually." "She's asked your husband to dump you and he's such a bastard I think he's actually going to." "Well he doesn't love you any more and he told her that he never did." "Did I tell you they're thinking of having kids, by the way." "Oh, oh I know." "It's rather a sad and lonely future for you, I'm afraid." "MS meals for one." "All year, one present under the Christmas tree, a solitay glass of sparkling Champagne on New Year's Eve." "Ooh, still, there um, there is another way" "We tried marriage guidance, but it doesn't work." "No." "I wondered whether at any stage you had considered suicide." "No I hadn't." "Because it's ever so quick and painless these days if you were tempted and there's lots ofwondemul methods to choose from." "Pills are good, a noose is cheap and the old fashioned slashing your wrists in the bath, very messy for the hubby to clear up." "Whatever method you choose, he's going to feel guilty about it for years." "Who are you?" "Aah well think of me as a sort of grief counsellor." "Well it's been good to talk to someone." "Yes." "Thanks." "Perhaps we could talk again sometime." "Yeah well I was hoping that wouldn't be necessay." "Rachel!" "Leave me alone." "I've done it." "You left your wife?" "Not quite, but I have got tickets for Phantom." "I thought I said we should stop seeing each other." "Greg drew a blank, but his friend Phil in planning just happens to know a couple of media buyers of the big ad boys and they just happened to have a couple of these little beauties." "Best seats in the house." "They must have cost you a fortune, Tony." "Yeah but what the hell you're worth every penny." "You're pressurising me." "Too bloody right, you know the trouble" "I've taken to get these tickets." "Oh well, I think you should take your wife." "Listen lady, thanks to you I owe favours to half the media shops in the M4 corridor." "The least I'd expect is a bloody good show, a candlelit dinner and a quickie in a lay by on the A45." "Tony, you are scaring me!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, please, I'm sorry." "Look, just say you'll come." "I'll think about it." "You... bloody little trollop." "God, you're better off with your wife half the time." "Oh good, I'm too late." "What have we got?" "Codroxatol." "Oh not a bad choice." "Good mixture of codeine and paracetamol." "You have to take it in quite large quantities though." "Personally I would have gone for, what, hydrobenzedrol or dimethredol washed down with a bottle of whisky." "Still, who am I to quibble." "Oh look, there's a little note." "Sweet." "Bread, eggs, Coco Pops." "Not much of a final testament, I must say." "What are you doing here?" "Aaaaaaaah!" "Are you alright?" "You look as if you've seen a ghost." "I thought you tried to top yourself." "No, I had a headache that's all." "Coffee?" "Yeah." "Alright." "Let's face it, she is not going to kill herself, she's too white." "Tony's going to have to do it." "Milk?" "Sugar?" "Yeah, thanks, yeah." "He's going to have to hate her and hate her so much that he stabs her to death in a frenzy of blood lust." "End of stoy." "Not a problem." "Except that'll be Tony trying to kiss and make up." "Go away." "Was that the phone?" "Yeah, wrong number." "Oh." "Oh cheers." "Do you mind?" "I know I shouldn't but one won't kill me." "No have the whole packet." "I know it's slow but I'm getting desperate here." "I wouldn't answer that if I was you." "It's probably Tony." "Yeah, yeah." "I bet he's ringing to tell you he's got tickets for Phantom and he'd like to take you out tonight" "Do you think so?" "Yeah." "But only because the office totty has turned him down." "He thinks you're some kind of sap and you won't realise." "I bet." "Phantom, Tony." "That is a surprise." "Someone turned you down?" "I can tell you're lying Tony, what do you take me for?" "Some sort of sap?" "That's the spirit." "You tell 'im." "I think it's time you taught Tony a lesson, you know." "Stop letting him ruin your life." "Start ruining his." "What do you mean?" "Right, his charge card, spare set of car keys and one pair of scissors." "Take me to his trousers." "Tony always says he's got three rules for me:" "Don't touch my car, don't use my charge card and never ever phone me at the office." "Alison, what the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm stealing your car Tony." "Woohoo, ha ha ha." "Alison, will you just stop that please." "Look you can't take it." "I need it to take Rachel... a client to see Phantom." "Ha ha ha ha." "Damn you, damn you!" "Look, Alison, you can't even drive." "Oh no!" "Oh no, no, no, no." "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Not the high gloss black metallic paint work!" "Not the alloys, please don't!" "Not the twin electrically adiustable heated wing mirrors!" "No!" "Oh my car, my car!" "YOU STUPID BITCH!" "YOU COW FROM HELL!" "Now gentlemen, where was I?" "Aquafresh The shower with a hose." "Now, what we need..." "What the heck do you think you're playing at, Tony?" "Sorry, Chris." "I bring you six of the top guys in wall mounted shower units for a broadsheet slip in brochure pitch only to find my chief marketing guy's gone whacko!" "Now what exactly was that all about Tony?" "Cards on table Chris," "I've got major problems at home." "Heavy marital situation." "Your marriage isn't important Tony." "Aquafresh shower system pull-outs are what's important." "You got that Tony?" "So you can stop what you're doing, pronto." "As of now, you're pissing downstairs with the sales boys." "Don't tell me you're taking away my key to the executive toilet, Chris." "Take it like a man, Tony." "Chris..." "I haven't finished." "Yup, I have now." "Oh great." "Sorry." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." "It's already started." "Alison nicked my car." "Got home to change and found she'd nicked my charge card." "Had to hitch, it took forever." "The Westend And Bloody step on it" "What's the matter?" "What have you done to your trousers?" "The bitch!" "Come on!" "This is so embarrassing." "No it's not." "It'll be okay." "Once we sit down no-one will be able to see my underpants." "We'll sit down, we'll enjoy the show, and we'll relax, okay?" "Sit down." "I can't see nothing." "Sshh." "Do you mind?" "Sorry." "Tony, do something." "What?" "Me?" "Yes you, dimwit." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "I'll sort it out at the interval, alright." "Ssshhhh." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Can you take that hat off?" "No." "Cheeky cow." "Tony, did you see that?" "Tony, sort her out!" "Sshh." "Will you please just relax." "Don't tell me to relax." "You're pathetic." "Why don't you just lean forward and insist they take them off?" "Why don't I show the people in the row behind my arse?" "That's it." "We're finished." "And you can stuff the second half, grandad." "Oh thank you very much, Rachel, for the worst evening of my life." "The only good thing is that it can't possibly get any worse." "Oh look, everybody." "There's the twit from the poster." "Ha ha ha ha ha." "This is absolutely pemect." "I'm even impressed with myself a little bit for this one." "She comes home, right, after a night out on the razzle only to find Tony completely berserk with rage." "Stab, stab, stab, spurt, spurt, spurt." "Goodbye Alison." "The ledger's balanced." "I'm in the clear." "Sorted." "There might even be promotion in this for me." "Yeah I might even make it to cherubim." "I mean, I've got the curves for it." "Mrs Smedley?" "I'm going to jump." "I don't believe it." "Tony!" "What is wrong with that man?" "He's supposed to kill his wife not himself." "Not a lot to ask, is it?" "Tony!" "I'm going to do it." "You don't know me, but trust me," "I'm a professional." "What's the point?" "I've lost my mistress, my car, my key to the executive toilet, and most of my trousers." "It's hopeless." "It isn't." "Your life is important, Tony." "Particularly to one woman, me." "And then of course there is your lovely fragrant wife, Alison." "I'm going to jump." "No, no, alright, alright." "Change of tact." "Where would people be without things falling out of their newspapers first thing in the morning?" "And think of the Aquafresh project." "You know pemectly well that is never going to happen without your detailed knowledge of the offset double embossed four colour litho interpress literature market." "Is it, Tone?" "You've got a point." "Let's be honest with ourselves here, Tony, who are we going to find to pull off a deal oft his scale in your absence hey?" "Rob Cresswell?" "I think not." "Come on, come on." "Alison, I've been such a fool." "Well That went as badly as metaphysically possible, didn't it?" "I mean I, the angel of death, have successfully managed to save two lives." "Oh I'm sure they're going to be really merciful back at the office, aren't they?" "With any luck I'll get a light sentence." "Like you know, infinite agony or everlasting woe." "It was all my fault, darling." "No I'm sure it was my fault darling." "No darling, I hardly think you rate fault wise in this scenario." "Be fair, you must let me take some of the blame." "I don't wish to patronise you, darling, but I'm hardly going to allow you of all people to wreck my marriage." "I'm the kind of gm who can wreck his own marriage, thank you very much." "Alright, it was your fault, you selfish bastard." "But I am not a selfish bastard." "I am extremely senior management in one of the biggest players of the whole info media sector." "Oh I don't believe it!" "Here we go again." "Hello, yeah it is about the right time." "And that 2 could have been a 4 all along." "Aaaaaah!" "Halleluiah!" "Time to go to work." "Oh, ooh dear, sorry you're dead." "You know I thought It never was going to happen." "It hasn't happened." "I'm not dead, he is." "He came for me with the knife but then he slipped on something." "Oh she'll be alright." "It's happy endings for her." "She'll be all dazed and confused and the police will let her off." "But what about me, hey?" "No-one's going to let me off, are they?" "I've got to explain why I've turned up with you, Tony, rather than the specified Smedley, A." "But I am Smedley, A." "Anthony Smedley." "Anthony Smedley." "Course you are, course you are." "I love you." "God that's brilliant." "Absolutely perfect and fantastic and brilliant." "Sorry, sorry, you probably don't see it that way." "It's just that I'm in the clear you see." "Of course, it's all pre-ordained isn't it." "I mean, whatever you do, it's all part of the bigger plan." "Got to hand it to the management you know, they certainly know how to do predetermination, hey." "D'you know, I don't mind telling you Tone, that at this moment," "I don't feel in the slightest bit grim." "No, now where is my Sting." "Oh there." "End of third season"