"How much for this trophy?" "Eight bucks." "I'll give you three." "Are you kidding?" "I trained a whole year for that trophy." "How about five?" "All right." "Now it's not for sale." "You happy?" "Get out of here." "Scram." "Three bucks." "Sammy." "Yeah?" "What is all this?" "Well, my asshole dad packed up everything in my bedroom and shipped it to me." "He's turning my bedroom into a drinking room." "Wait, I thought he quit drinking." "Nah, that's just what he told the judge." "Oh!" "Is that a fake mustache?" "No." "This?" "No." "It's a merkin." "Fake pubes." "When I was 12, I didn't have pubes." "So my dad made me put this on underneath my bathing suit, you know, just in case." "That is really messed up." "I didn't have pubes." "How much for the fake mustache?" "Oh, this?" "Two bucks." "Oh, Sammy..." "Thank you very much." "Oh, thank you very much!" "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "Can you believe he made me wear that thing?" "What an asshole." "Oh, yeah, he's the asshole." "SAMMY:" "Holy shit!" "Holy shit, Alex!" "Holy shit!" "Holy shit!" "Alex, you won't believe the letter you got in the mail today." "Why are you opening my mail?" "Dude, look." "This guy wants you to date his daughter." "He sent a picture!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Look at this." "Look at this." "He says that she goes to school here and you should look her up." "Here's her phone number." "Really?" "Do you really think she looks like that?" "I don't know." "There's only one way to find out, right?" "Man, you'd be crazy to call that number." "He'd be crazy not to." "Look at her." "Hello?" "(MORAN WHOOPS)" "Nice." "(LAUGHS)" "That's how you tackle!" "Yeah!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Nice hit." "She's cute." "Dude, look at her butt." "Oh, hey!" "Oh, yeah." "What he said." "Great hit." "And?" "And..." "You smell great." "You're not gonna slap my ass?" "I wasn't planning on it, no." "Oh, he wasn't planning on it." "Well, so sorry to spoil your plans." "Good hit." "Now you're just rubbing it in, asshole." "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey, Michelle?" "Hi, Alex!" "Nice to meet you." "You, too." "You, too." "So, you're a fan of the team?" "Well, I was born into it." "Just like everybody else who grew up around here." "Very cool, very cool." "Okay, um, so what are we drinking?" "BARTENDER:" "Compliments of the man at the end of the bar." "He says, "Bottoms up to the happy couple."" "Hey." "Thanks, man." "So you know that guy?" "It's my dad." "(CHOKES)" "God." "This is so embarrassing." "Well, yeah." "You invited your dad to the bar." "I didn't..." "See, the thing is, Moran, it's not even about slapping asses." "It's about being a good teammate." "When I make a great play, I expect to be acknowledged." "Thad, I'm not gonna slap you in the ass." "What did I ever do to you?" "Well, well, well, if it isn't Thad Castle." "Great game Saturday." "I just hope old Ben Franklin ain't planning on walking in here with his kite tonight, 'cause I'm sensing some pretty strong electricity between you two." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Ronnie Hayes." "I'm this pretty girl's daddy." "Alex Moran." "Daddy, you promised." "Now, shut up, sweetheart." "Oh, I know all about you, Alex." "Blue chip all-American, first 10,000-yard passer in Wyoming high school history." "Why, I've been following you ever since BMS started scouting you four years ago." "But what do you think of the little girl here?" "Cool, huh?" "Yeah!" "Dad, enough." "She's great!" "Well, we're real happy with her." "She's smart, too." "Oh, straight A's." "I keep telling her, "Honey, with a face like yours" ""and a body like your mama's, you don't need to pick up a book."" "But she just keeps on studying them books and reading away!" "(CHUCKLES) Wow!" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "We need to talk." "I have nothing to say to you." "How many times do I have to apologize?" "I made a mistake." "Denise, you taped yourself banging an NFL scout over my game film." "It's not a mistake." "You hold a grudge like nobody I've ever met." "Fine, Craig." "You want to play like this?" "We can play like this." "But I am done apologizing." "Good. 'Cause I'm done listening." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "Well, here we are." "And you're welcome for the ride." "Yeah, it was really unnecessary for you to drive me home." "Really, really unnecessary." "My pleasure." "Hey, whoa, wait a minute!" "Aren't you gonna go up with him?" "Dad, I don't know." "(BOTH LAUGH UNCOMFORTABLY)" "Maybe another time." "Are you serious?" "He's nice, he's handsome." "Christ, if I were a girl your age, I would have gotten things rolling on the ride home." "Now go!" "Go on!" "Have fun!" "RONNIE:" "Hey!" "Turn down the lights!" "Put on some soft music!" "I've got some Bachman-Turner Overdrive here in the car if you want me to crank it up." "I'm sorry." "We're just really big fans." "(LAUGHS)" "Yeah, yeah." "I'm gonna be honest with you." "I really want to have sex with you." "I really want to have sex with you, too." "Well, good." "But your dad is creeping me out." "We don't get out much so..." "Right." "RONNIE:" "Alex!" "Michelle!" "Hey, you kids take your time now." "Don't rush on account of me." "You know Alex?" "Hell, yeah, I know him." "He's dating my daughter." "Oh, my God, wait!" "You're the guy who sent the letter!" "Real nice to meet you." "I'm Sammy, Alex's roommate." "Yeah, great." "Great." "I think it's sweet that you care this much about your daughter." "I'd give anything to have a dad like that." "My dad's a loser." "Oh!" "Oh, well, that was quick." "Short and sweet, huh, baby?" "It's very thoughtful, too." "He probably has practice in the morning." "So I'll see you around?" "Whoa!" "You can count on it." "Sixteen!" "Set!" "Set!" "Nice throw." "What?" "Good pass, man." "Enough with the ass-slapping, okay?" "Please." "Nice toss, Number 7!" "That's my boy!" "He's dating my daughter." "Who is that?" "That's the guy who gave me a picture of his daughter." "You didn't go out with her, did you?" "(STUTTERS) I mean, I might have." "Coach!" "Hey, Coach Daniels, let's give Moran some playing time next week." "What do you say?" "Hey, Moran!" "Huh?" "Shut your fan club up over there." "(CHEERLEADERS GIGGLING)" "GIRLS:" "Hey, Alex!" "Hey, girls." "Hi." "Get away from him, you whores!" "That boy is spoken for!" "Oh, my God, I've got to do something about this." "Ah!" "Look, um, this is really hard for me to say." "I think you're beautiful and sweet, and under different circumstances, who knows?" "But for obvious reasons, right now I just don't think this is gonna work out." "It sucks, but I understand." "I gotta be honest." "I didn't see this coming." "Really, you didn't?" "Sweetheart, could you give us a minute, please?" "Alex, don't get me wrong." "I love my daughter." "But I know she ain't everybody's cup of tea." "Now, I have two other single daughters who might be more your speed." "How..." "How old is that one?" "Rebecca's 15 in December." "Now, I know that, uh..." "Technically that ain't legal." "But you won't tell, I won't tell." "Well, this is over." "(CHUCKLES)" "Do not come near me again." "Okay." "Well, you just let me know." "You got first dibs!" "MAN ON ANSWERING MACHINE:" "...so leave a message at the beep, or something." "Oh, hey, Dad, it's Sammy!" "Yeah, your former son." "Listen, I got all the stuff you sent me from my room, and guess what?" "I sold it all!" "Yeah, everything, including the merkin." "You know why?" "'Cause I have tons of pubes now, Dad, tons!" "Hey, there, fella!" "Oh, it's Stony, isn't it?" "Sammy." "Sammy!" "That's right." "You're Alex Moran's roommate." "It's good to see you, son." "Son." "Say, I'm thinking of having a cookout at my place this afternoon." "What say you stop by?" "You could bring Alex with you." "Yeah?" "Yeah!" "I could do that." "You gonna be there?" "Son, it's my cookout." "I gotta be there." "Now, it's real important that you bring Alex, okay?" "Yeah." "Awesome!" "I'll see you later tonight!" "All righty." "Man, what a cool guy!" "Yeah." "He waited outside for me to have sex with his daughter." "It's the creepiest thing that I've ever been through." "Ronnie's all right, man." "He's not creepy to me." "Sammy, you need to stay away from him, I'm telling you." "He invited us to his house for a cookout." "You should come." "No, because I'm gonna have a date with a very beautiful woman whose father is not gonna tag along!" "SAMMY:" "I think it's your loss." "Hey, we're teammates, right?" "Unfortunately, yes." "Then when are you gonna start acting like it?" "I don't know what to tell you." "Tell me you'll acknowledge my plays." "I'll give you a thumbs up, how about that?" "THAD:" "No, you're not hearing me." "When somebody isn't being a good teammate, it becomes my problem because I'm the captain of this team." "And right now you're not being a good teammate." "Fine." "Next time you make a great play, I will acknowledge it, okay?" "Thank you!" "God!" "Was that so hard?" "What..." "SAMMY:" "I swear to God." "It wouldn't go down." "Oh, damn!" "Yeah." "So, I'm gonna go to Ronnie's." "Okay, but that's a bad idea, Sammy." "Well, he invited me." "I think it'd be rude if I didn't go." "Sammy." "Sammy!" "Yeah, 051." "Oh!" "I'll text you tonight." "Hey, Craig, didn't think I'd see you here." "This is my friend Ricky." "He's a basketball player." "Maybe you've heard of him." "Nope, I haven't." "Well, you will, because he's the next big thing." "You left your trophies in the apartment." "Do you want them or should I melt them down?" "Melt 'em down." "Oh, no, sweetheart, not that outfit." "I meant the other one I got for you, the one that shows some real skin." "(SIGHS) Dad, I'm not changing again." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "This is it." "Just remember, that's your future husband out there." "Let's leave everything on the field." "Okay." "Ronnie!" "What's up, buddy?" "Where's Alex?" "Oh, he had a date." "So he's probably busy getting laid tonight." "But I brought you some beers." "You drink beers?" "Of course you do!" "What am I..." "Alex isn't coming?" "No." "I got four racks of ribs on the grill and a party ball." "That's his favorite meal!" "It is, and he's gonna be pissed he's missing it." "But his loss is our gain." "Right, Ronnie?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Look at this house, dude!" "Wow, there's pictures hanging up on the walls and everything!" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "I tell you what." "I could get used to this." "I'll tell you what." "Don't." "And wipe your goddamn face." "Oh, thank you." "You're welcome." "I cannot believe I got stood up at my own cookout." "This is bullshit!" "(MUFFLED) You want to split the ribs?" "All right." "Yeah." "(LAUGHS)" "(RUSTLING)" "Did you hear something?" "(SCREAMS)" "MORAN:" "What the hell?" "(GROANS)" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "RONNIE:" "I've got your condom." "Ronnie?" "You've been messing with the wrong family, you little shit." "Date my daughter and we can forget any of this happened." "Don't date her, and who knows what I might do with this semen." "And then he called me on my phone and said, "I have your condom."" "(SHILO LAUGHS)" "I told you, man!" "Nobody's fault but your own." "What?" "You fell for the oldest trick in the book." "I get five of those letters a year." "My freshman year, some dude lured me in real good." "And then you know what happened?" "What?" "A teammate of mine got me out of the jam." "I'm not gonna mention any names." "Larry." "But the point is, when a teammate's in trouble, they help each other out." "They help each other out!" "I don't understand." "What the hell would he want a used condom for?" "He wants me to be his son." "If he uses my semen to get Michelle pregnant, then I'll be trapped." "He thinks he'll be my dad." "Get out of here." "I'll catch up with you guys later." "Wait." "Sammy, where are you going?" "You'll know in nine months!" "So what are you gonna do, man?" "I gotta get back what's mine." "I think I might do that, too." "(KNOCKING AT DOOR)" "Ugh!" "What do you want?" "I came to pick up my trophies." "Are you alone?" "Yes, I'm alone." "That Ricky dude's not here?" "No." "Just me." "(SIGHS)" "(EXCLAIMS) Oh, Craig!" "(BOTH GROAN)" "What are you trying to do, asswipe, get us both caught?" "What the hell are you doing here?" "I'm leading by example." "I'm here to show you what it really means to be a teammate." "I'm here to get your condom." "Follow me." "Shit!" "Interesting." "If I was gonna store a condom full of semen, where would I keep it?" "Nope." "Why don't we try the freezer first?" "Bingo!" "Is this it?" "MORAN:" "I would assume so." "It's the only used condom sitting in the back of his basement freezer." "It's just that I was expecting an extra, extra small one." "Get it?" "Because your penis is too small..." "Oh, shit." "Did you turn out the lights?" "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "SHILO:" "Tell me my muscles are big!" "DENISE:" "They're big." "Tell me, I said." "Mmm." "Mmm." "I said tell me, you B!" "You have big muscles, babe!" "Yeah, now touch 'em!" "Oh, baby." "Yeah, okay." "Oh!" "Don't move!" "Don't move!" "(BOTH GROAN)" "Is she okay?" "I don't know." "(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)" "THAD:" "Whisper." "MORAN:" "You whisper." "Shut up." "You whisper." "Somebody's here." "Shut up." "Shut up!" "Put down the rubber, son." "(PANTING) Ronnie?" "Ronnie, come on, man." "Let's not do anything crazy." "Okay?" "Please?" "RONNIE:" "Shut your mouth." "I always wanted a son, Alex." "Someone I could watch and play football with." "I had five children, all of them girls!" "It ain't fair, Alex!" "I wanted a son!" "I deserve a son!" "Give me that condom!" "(SCREAMING)" "What happened?" "You came home, baby." "You're back where you belong." "(SOFTLY) I am." "(SCREAMING)" "(RONNIE GRUNTING)" "Thad." "Thad, quick, give me the condom." "Where's the condom?" "My eyes!" "Where's it?" "You assholes!" "I just wanted a son!" "He was gonna get it." "Thanks." "Acknowledge it." "Girls can't throw footballs or appreciate The Three Stooges!" "(GRUNTS)" "(RONNIE CRYING)" "Craig, is everything okay in there?" "Craig." "(GASPS)" "I just wanted a son!" "Well, you got one!" "And hopefully a grandson to boot!" "I just banged your daughter, Ronnie." "And God willing, we're gonna be a family soon!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Come here, Dad!" "Come here!" "So happy!"