"When the storm happened, I lost my memory." "Forgot everything." "What's this?" "What am I looking at?" "It's a support group." "It's for people with powers." "I think we should go." "Did you get community service for fucking him up the arse or breaking into the Community Centre?" "Breaking and entering." " I knit the future." " Thanks." "Are we gonna become proper superheroes?" "So, what did she look like?" "Right, well, try to imagine, if an orang-utan and a bulldog, they spawned a child, yeah?" "Now try and imagine, that bloody child grows up" " and impregnates a pig." " Eurgh." "This pig-dog-monkey hybrid thing would be a thing of beauty in comparison." "Dude, honestly, this girl, man, she was so physically ugly, it pained me when I came on her face." " Brilliant." " Seriously, she were minging, dude." "If she was so hideously ugly, why did you have sex with her?" "Really?" "Do you know, this... this is just... this is the problem, isn't it, when you're having sex with ugly birds?" "You... you're damned if you do, and then you're damned if you don't." "I suppose you only have sex with people you find physically attractive?" "It's a weird rule that I have." "Well, that's a bit shallow, isn't it?" "That's very shallow, Jess." "What about you, Abs?" "You ever done an ugly?" " Does he count?" " No, I don't count!" "Trust me." "You count." "Twice." "Double points." " Why am I double points?" " Cos you're short." "Oh, shit!" "No, no, no, no, no way!" " Has he seen me?" " Who?" "It's me dad." "It's me frigging dad." "What's he doing here?" "Why are you hiding from your dad?" "Because he thinks I'm at university, doing a bloody Master's degree in computer science." "I'm..." "Do you know I'm actually..." "I'm President of the Student Union and I'm captain of the rowing team?" "And I actually nearly made it to the Olympics Squad by that much." "Dude, your mum and dad are proper going for it." "No, they're not." "My mum's classy." "She wouldn't do shit like that." "Not in public." "Oh, shit!" "That's not my... that's not my mum!" "That's not my mum!" " Is he fingering her?" " No!" "It's either that or he's lost something in her vagina." "Finlay!" "It's my mum you're talking about!" " You just fucking hit me?" " Yeah, well, I'm very upset, Finlay." "Shit!" "Oh, fuck!" "Is he..." "Did he see me, then?" "Is he looking now?" "I think I'm going to cry." "We have to tell Mum." "You know, she..." "she needs to know what's going on." "No, man!" "But Dad is cheating on her, man!" "He's not, he's not cheating!" "He's..." "He is... he's fingering, is what he's doing." "It's not really cheating, man." "It's... it's more playful." "Mum has a right to know what's going on here." "I won't do it!" "Stop saying." "I won't do it." "I won't do that to her." "I'm not going to break her frigging heart." "Shit!" "I'm gonna have to sort it, aren't I?" "What do you mean?" "I'm going to go round there, right, and I'm going to say, "You frigging..." ""you harlot!" "You harlot." "You're a home-wrecker!"" "You know, I just..." "I..." "I will not come from a broken home!" "I won't be one of them kids who's still pissing himself in his early-to-mid teens." "You were one of them kids." "I had a bladder infection." "Right." "I'll see you later." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Where're you going?" "I..." "I have to..." "I have to be somewhere, don't I?" "Where have you got to be?" "You never have to be anywhere." "What do you know about my life?" "What do you think?" "I'm going to put them up around the estate." "You're not really missing, cos you're sat there." "Maybe it should just say "found..." "Dog seeks owner." "Not dog." "Girl." "Girl seeks owner." "Yeah, cos that wouldn't attract any perverts." "What about, "Girl seeks self-identity"?" "We're not at art school." "I'm going to think about this while I change my tampon." "Alex?" "Now that you're a part of the gang, do we get free drinks?" "No." "Well, what time does it start?" "No." "I'm... yeah, I'm just leaving." "I'll see you there?" "OK." "OK." "Bye." " Jess!" " Aah!" "Jess!" "Stop!" "You gonna do that?" "Fuck's sake." "Ah." "Buzzing." "Listen, what are you doing..." "Ooh." "What you doing right now?" " I'm going for a facial." " I'll give you a facial." " Excuse me?" " Ha-ha-ha!" "Sorry." "I disgust myself when I'm nervous." "Fuck, it's small in here." "What I meant to say was, would you mind giving me a lift to my dad's harlot's flat, please?" "Why can't Finn do it?" "Because Finn doesn't have any respect for the institution of marriage, it would appear." "And he doesn't have a car." "So... wagons roll!" "Right." "How's that?" "You're not going on a date with her." "Well, actually, yes, she is going on a date." "She's going on a date with destiny." "No-one fucks with my family." "No-one fucks members of my family." "Apart from other members of my family." "Your dad's here." "Shit!" "Right, start the engine!" "This was a terrible idea!" "You never should have made me come here." "You're a fool!" "This is a perfect opportunity for you to talk to both of them without your mum being around." "You should confront him." " Will you come with me, please?" " No." "Oh, well, what a selfish cunt." " Really?" " No." "Not at all." "I can't do this." "I can't do it on my own." "I'm not..." "I'm not mature enough." "You know what?" "I might have a big, lush pubic bush, but that does not maketh me a man." "I'm a child." "I'm masquerading in a man's body back here." "All right. just stop talking about your lush pubic bush." "I'll come with you." "I use a volumising conditioner, in case you're wondering." "No, no!" "What are you doing?" "I'm mentally preparing myself, you fool." "What..." "What?" "Bonjour." "I am French and I am selling... la cheese." "You're selling cheese?" "No, it is, um... how would you say?" "La fromage avec le milk of la monkey français." "Fuck off." "Shit." "You're selling... monkey cheese?" "So, no, no, no." "I fucking panicked, didn't I?" "It was the first thing that sprung to mind." "Shit!" " Monkey cheese?" " Well, you think of summat, then!" " Double glazing." " Oh, well, really?" "Really?" "That's original, isn't it?" "She already has it." "She has double glazing." "So, that's no sale." " D'you want to try again?" " No, I don't." "Don't." "Try again?" "Christ." "I can't tell her I'm not a French monkey-cheese salesman." "I'm gonna look fucking ridiculous, aren't I?" "Right, and we wouldn't want that, would we?" "I'm not that guy, am I?" "What guy?" "A French monkey-cheese salesman?" "No, not a frigging French monkey-cheese..." "The guy who does good noble shit and saves his... saves his parents' marriage." "Well, you... you might be that guy." "Maybe you just need a bit of practice." "Don't you walk away from me!" "You don't ever do that!" "I can't do this any more!" "I told you." "I told you what I'd do if you ever tried to leave me." "Geoff, please, don't." "I will find you and I will hurt you." "Please." "Why do you do this?" "You make me like this." "You're playing games with me." "You think you can play games?" "Try it." "Clean yourself up." "You're fucking disgusting." "Are you all right?" "I always wanted to be him." "You know?" "Be like him." "I..." "I thought that my dad was the greatest man on earth, him and Roy Castle." "But my dad was always edging it." "Now I don't know him." "Will you take me home, please?" "So, there's this stuff going on with our parents, and he won't let me in, he won't listen to me." "It's like I don't even exist." "Something happened to us." "Something happened to all of us." "We didn't ask for it." "We didn't ask for it, so why should we be ashamed of who we are?" "Why should we have to hide away?" "It's not fair." "It's not fair." " Have either of you seen Rudy?" " He is on the roof, staring at the distance." "Has this look on his face, like..." "Did you talk to him?" "No, I just crept away before he could see me." "Are you all right?" "No, I'm not." "I'm very fucking far from being all right." "What are you going to do?" "I'm going to go round my parents' house and as soon as my dad answers the door," "I'm going to punch him in his shitty little face." "That's what I'm gonna do." "Fuck!" " Fuck you!" "Oh!" "Mum." " Aaah!" "Oh!" " What the hell are you doing?" " Oh." "Classic." "Your face, then." "Ah." "You scared the shit out of me." "Hilarious." " I thought you'd gone mental again." " What do you mean, mental again?" "Mental again?" "What do you mean, again?" " I thought you were at work." " Yeah, I've got the day off." " Fancied doing the garden." " Here he is." "All right, son?" " All right, Dad?" " How's the rowing?" "I thought you were in Spain, at that training camp?" "Yes, I was in Spain at the training camp." "Do you know what, though?" "They said there was nothing more they could teach me, so I just rowed home." " Oh, right." " From Spain?" "No, bloody hell, don't be ridiculous." "Like, I dunno, two thirds of the way." " Do you want to stay for tea, son?" " I'm not hungry." " So, how are you, Dad?" " Oh, you know, keeping busy." "Oh, busy?" "Been busy?" "Busy doing what, exactly?" "What exactly are you busy doing, Dad?" "Are you all right?" "Dad, I'm all right." "I'm all right." "Yeah, I'm all right." "The question is, really, are you?" " Are you all right, Dad?" " Yeah." " Are you?" " I'm fine, aye." "Rudy, what is it?" "There's something I have to tell you, Mum, and it's killing me, all right?" " What is it, son?" " I'm sorry." "Oh, fuck off!" "You know!" "Don't make me say it, when you know!" "You're gay, aren't you?" "Oh, my God." "It's OK." "We've always suspected it." "Well, I'm not gay, so..." "Well, there was all that trouble with the Boy Scouts." "Fucking hell!" "That was an experimental stage, weren't it?" "No-one judged Isaac Newton when he were friggin' wanking on apples, did they?" "Yeah, well, apples aren't the same as 12-year-old boys." "Yeah, maybe not to you, Mum." "And maybe that's why you never discovered the fucking... the laws of gravity." "Well, you know, you never had a girlfriend, so we assumed..." "That I was a big gay." "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've had loads of birds." "I'm disgusting, I'll do anything." "I've..." "I've got a reputation as a total slag." "Mum, I am quite the slut." "How come we've not met any of them, then?" "Because, I am, erm..." "Fuck it." "I'm embarrassed of you both!" "Look at you both." "Look at you right now." "You are an embarrassment." "I'm ashamed." "Deep shame for the pair of you." "Oh, thanks for those kind words." " Fuck." " It's OK." "We love you, just how you are." "Look at you." "You're so handsome." "Get your good looks from his dad, doesn't he?" "Oh, you smooth talker, you." "So, if, er... you're not gay, what did you want to talk to us about, son?" "Erm..." "No." "I just..." "I can't..." "I can't do it." "We're gonna have to go for plan B." "You all right?" "I'm fighting it." "Every day's a battle." "I..." "I feel like I'm slipping back into the game world." " But I can't go back." "I can't!" " Hey, man, it's all right." "Can we meet up sometime?" "I have to talk to someone, man." "I feel like I'm losing my mind." "Of course." "Whenever you want." "I'm here for you, yeah?" " Thanks." " No worries." "Go in there." "You tell her you know exactly what your dad's doing to her and you tell her to leave the bastard." "Yeah." "I'm fucking getting sick of all this." "Cow!" "Shit!" "Fucking bitch!" " What's he doing?" " Cow!" "He's burning her clothes." " Why's he burning her clothes?" " Fucking..." "Er..." "Oh, fuck." "Fuck it." " I'm just going to say it." " Don't." "That looked like blood on the carpet." "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Oh!" "You broke my CD player!" "Well, who the frigging hell plays CDs any more?" "It's ridiculous!" "Call your dad and ask him if he wants to meet you for a beer." "What do you mean?" "My dad's murdered his girlfriend." "You want me to take him for a beer?" "Why don't I just throw in some ten-pin bowling and a fucking foot massage?" "While you're buying him a beer, I will break into the flat and see if I can find out if your dad has actually murdered her." " Cheers, son." " Hm." "Yeah." "One sec." "Yes?" "He's here." "Your dad's back." "No, he's not." "He, erm..." "The ostrich is in the coop." "The fucking ostrich is sat right in front of me." "He's drinking a bottle of Continental lager." "Then who's here in the flat?" "One sec." "Just a hypothetical question." "You... you don't... do you have a twin brother you've never told me about?" "There was a storm." "Shit." "I know it's gonna sound crazy, but I split into two." "I guess he was the part of me I wasn't proud of." "I haven't always been a nice person." "I hid it from you." "I was a shit." "A nasty shit." "That... that part of me is gone." "It's all in him." "Shit!" "jess... jess?" "Oh!" "Who the fuck are you?" "Jessica!" "I've come here..." "I've come here to save you!" "I'm..." "Ow!" "Fucking hell!" "Hello, son." "Did he touch..." "Has he touched you?" "If you so much as fucking touched her, mate..." "Did he touch you?" "Have you fucking touched her?" "Rudy"." "I'm fine." "Yeah, we were just having a friendly chat." "We weren't having a friendly anything." "He said he wouldn't let me go until I tell him where Tina is." "We thought you'd bloody murdered her." "D'you know that?" "She's gone." "She's left me." "Good!" "Good for her!" "Cos you know my dad, my real dad?" "Mate, he's told me everything." "You absolutely... you disgust me, mate." "I'm your dad, too." "Well, part of him." "Maybe we should go for a drink sometime, you know." "Get to know each other properly." "Yeah, let's go for a drink You're nothing to me, you moron." "Nothing." "Honestly, pal, you are..." "Come on, pet." "We're going." "Let's go." "Oh, get your fucking hand off my shoulder now, pal." " Come round, any time." " Get it off." "Fucking get off." "Cunt." "Prick." "Oh, Jesus!" "What the fuck are you doing?" "You scared the shit out of me." " What..." " What are you doing?" "Showering." "I like to shower before community service." "Why don't you shower at home?" "Why don't I shower at home?" "Is a good question." "Water's off." "No water." "It's dry... it's as dry as a badger's..." "Dry" "Can I have my towel?" "Would you stop sniffing that scarf?" "There's something about the smell of her." "I keep asking girls in the bar if it's theirs, and none of them are her." "She's like Cinderella." "This Cinderella, did you shag her?" "What?" "No." "Cinderella, like in the fairy tale." "Pumpkin." "Fairy godmother." "She had a glass slipper." "Fucking start, you piece of shit!" "No, wait, it's you!" "You're the monkey-cheese guy." "Why are you looking at me like that?" "Because you know my dad, don't you?" "He split in two?" "There's two of him?" "You got the shitty end of the stick, mate." "Well, the shitty end of the dad." "Is there somewhere you can go, away from here, away from him?" "Your dad." "Geoff." " He took all my money." " Oh, no." "He's got it all in his bank account." "Everything's in his name." "I can't get to it." "Your dad can." " Mm?" " Your other dad." "He can get the money." "Whoa!" "Yes, yes, yes!" "No, my... my other dad!" "He can... he can get her money back, can't he?" "That's what it is." "Shit, man, I'm not sure how, like." "Is it cos..." "It's your idea, innit?" "It's her idea." "We'll get it." "Monkey cheese?" "Is... is that even a thing?" "Monkeys give milk to their young." "So, I guess you could make cheese out of it." "Hold him, man!" "Turn him round, man!" "See, I wish Jess was here, cos girls can intervene in this kind of thing without getting their heads kicked in." "Hey!" "Why don't you just leave him the fuck alone, yeah?" "Are you talking to us?" "Yeah, I'm talking to you." "Do you really think you're a big man cos there's three of you taking on one kid?" "Come on, come on." "He's joking, he's joking." "Hey, just live..." "live and let live." "I'm gonna shank you!" "Me?" "Why me?" "Shank him!" "Finn?" "Take one more step." "Do..." "Whoa!" "What you gonna do, little man?" "You want to see what I can do?" "Show me." "You will shit in your pants." "Got jokes, innit?" "What the fuck?" "I'll see you around, innit?" "Yeah." "Whatever, mate." "Sucker!" "Where's the kid?" "See, this is why you shouldn't help people out." "Not so much as a... a "Thanks, here's a 20, have a few drinks on me."" "Just"." "Ungrateful little shit." "Stepping up like that, though, that... that was kind of superhero." " Hi." " Hello, Dad." "Rudy told me everything." "I'm so sorry for what he did to you." "I feel responsible." "It wasn't you." "It used to be." "Part of me." "I'm sorry." "Got To Let Go)" "The things I did when he was inside me." "Lying, and cheating." "To think I could do that to your mum." "It would break her heart if she knew." "I know." "We've all done horrible shit, haven't we?" "This was a good thing we did." "Weren't it?" "Mm?" "What?" " I'm proud of you." " Huh." "I'm going fishing on Sunday." "Why don't you come round and keep your mum company?" "I'm sure she'll cook you a roast." " Yeah?" " Bring someone." "A girlfriend." "A boyfriend." "What d'you mean?" "No." "For fuck's sake, I'm not gay, Dad!" "You might be." " Oh...!" " Ha-ha!" "It's you." "Were you... smelling me?" "Mm." "I found your scarf in the toilets." "Thank you." "I thought I'd lost that." "Thanks." "How do you smell so nice?" "I don't know." "Perfume?" "Regular showering?" "Yeah?" "Hm." "Can I get you a drink?" " Oh..." " It's OK." "I'm not going to drug you and take you to my basement and rape you with a massive strap-on." "I live in a flat, and it doesn't have a basement." "I'm not being funny, but you're really strange." "Mm." "It's cos I don't know who I am." "What do you mean, you don't know who you are?" "Well, I lost my memory in that weird freak storm." "I've tried to find out who I am, but no-one's looking for me." "Maybe no-one ever cared about me." "I don't know." "I'm Laura." "I'm Abby, and you are the nicest-smelling person in the world." "Hello, Geoff." "Can you smell that, man?" "That smells like a brand-new day, that does." "It smells disgusting." "What have you been eating?" "It smells like Dad, our dad, our real dad, isn't a murderous woman-beater." "It smells like he uses his fists for better things." "Things like, erm..." "I can't really think of anything good a fist is used for." "There is that certain section of the, er... lesbian community that seem to enjoy it." "You got to admire their fortitude, really, haven't you?" "Full fist." "Oh, mate, it smells like possibilities." "It smells like one of Mum's roast dinners." "Lamb or beef?" "I'm gonna go with lamb." "Baa!" "I want..." "I want to meet 'em." "Eh?" "I want to meet Mum and Dad..." "as... as me, outside of you." "They're my parents as well." "I've got all the same feelings and memories as you have, you know." "Look, they're not your parents." "Dude, Mum gave birth to me." "Me." "You never even touched her vagina, and I'll tell you something else, you never will." "You never will touch it." "Strike that image." "Get rid of it." "It's awful." "I..." "I just..." "I wanted to meet 'em." "I wanted to meet 'em as myself." "You know, and Dad's gonna understand." "He's been through the same thing." "So..." "What?" "And I suppose if Dad..." "Dad had cancer, you'd want that too, would you?" " How have you got to cancer?" " Because that's what you are." "You're a friggin' horrible cancerous tumour thing, just growing in..." "You feed off me." "You just hold me back and stuff, don't ya?" "Is that really..." "Is that really how you see me?" "Only sometimes, when you're being a total dick." "Come on, man. just forget about all the silly nonsense about cancer." "Get in here and let's go." "Come on, man." "Smell the lamb, smell it." "Or beef." "No." "No, I either go as me, or I'm not going at all." "Just have a little think about it, cos, er..." "No!" "Fuck off!" "No roast dinner for you, moron." "But you can't... you can't deny me for ever, you know." "Well, denied, mate." "Oh, shit." "He'll be all right." "Oh, honestly, Mum, this is..." "Oh, this is top-notch." "There's someone coming round later, and I want you to meet 'em." " Who is it?" " It's a bit of a surprise, actually." "Rudy?" "What is it?" "It's nothing." "It's nothing." "I'm..." "I'm all right." "Gonna get involved in a bit of this." "Mm." "Plenty of that." "Could I have some more mint sauce, please, Mum?" " Haven't you got enough?" " Well, you can never have enough mint sauce, really, can you, with lamb?" "Cheers..." "Thanks, Mum." "Cheers." "What the friggin' hell are you doing here?" "Me and your dad had an agreement." "We agreed to stay away from each other." "And then someone who looks like me walks into the bank and clears my bank account." "He broke the agreement." "And now I'm breaking it, too." "What fucking agreem...?" "Oh, here she is." "Do you know... do you know what I'd really like with this, right now?" "It's gonna freak you out." "Horseradish sauce." " What, with lamb?" " I know!" "Please." "Yes, please." "It'd be awesome, cheers." "It'd be nice, it'd be just... just... that's all." "I'm just thinking, just to take the edge off the mint." "You know what I mean?" " Cheers, Mum." "Ha-ha!" " OK." "Oh." "Get out now, dickhead." " I'm not going anywhere." " Fuck." "I'm very comfortable in the bosom of my family." "It isn't your family!" "Get the fuck out of my bosom, dickhead." "Oh, here she is." "Ooh, give me that, give me that." "Mm." "Oh, yeah." "Mustard?" " You won't be able to taste your food." " Yeah, well, good." "Cos it's disgusting." " It disgusts me." " Rudy?" "Don't be so rude." "Please can I just have a little bit of mustard, please?" "Sorry, Mum." "Cheers, Mum." "Thank you." "You have got exactly three seconds to get out of this house, or I swear to God I will not be held responsible for my actions, boyo." "One." "Fucking two." "Two and... and a half." "Two and three quarters." "Three." "Dick." "Don't you fucking touch my mum." "Seriously." "Don't you fucking touch my mum." "Oh, I'm gonna touch her." "I am gonna fuck her brains out." "And then I'm gonna take that pathetic excuse for a man she calls a husband and I'm gonna cave his fucking skull in." "My dad?" "What have you done with my dad?" "I am your dad." "If you say anything to your mum, I'll hurt her." "I'll really hurt her." " There's your mustard." " Give me that." "Give me that right now." "Yes." "Can I have mine later, and maybe have pudding now and have this later?" "Not until you've finished what's on your plate." " Oh?" " Tuck in, son." "All right." "Mm, mm." "' Oh!" "' Rudy?" " You're gonna make yourself sick." " No, I won't." "It's delicious." " Can I have some pudding, please?" " Can't you wait?" "No." "Can't wait." "Can I just have a little bit of ice cream, Mum?" "Please?" "Oh..." " Where's Rudy?" " Oh, he's gone." "Huh!" "Said he wasn't feeling well." "I think it was all that mustard." "Ha-ha!" "Do you know, I said to him he was gonna make himself sick." " Heh-heh-heh." "Ah." " Oh." "You look beautiful today." "Let's go to bed." "Oh!" "Oh." "Shit." "Oh, fuck!" " Oh, no!" " Rudy!" " Get off my mum!" " Rudy!" "Rudy!" "What are you doing?" " It's not Dad!" "It's not Dad!" " He's gone mental again!" "Stop it!" "Rudy, stop it!" "Geoff!" "Geoff!" "No!" " Oh!" " Geoff!" "Look, you've hurt him!" "Geoff?" "Geoff, what are you doing?" "The little shit needs to learn some respect." "Geoff!" "Don't you touch him!" " Aah!" " No, no, no!" "Mum!" "Mum!" "Mum!" "I know what you need, both of you." "You need a fucking good beating." " Aah!" " Whoa!" " Are you all right?" " Yeah." " What is going on?" " It isn't Dad!" "That's not Dad." "Yeah, it is." "It is Dad, but it's not." "It's just..." "It's better if Dad explains it, Mum." "Christ." " And who are you?" " Er..." "That's Jessica, my girlfriend, Mum." "Mum, this is Jessica." "Jessica, this is my mum." "Hi." "He told me everything." "All the flings." "All the affairs." "There's nothing you can say to hurt me." "You come anywhere near my husband or my son again, and I'll kill you." "It's so nice to finally meet one of Rudy's girlfriends." " We thought he was gay." " Rudy?" "Gay?" "He's a total slag." "Erm... not... not a slag." "I mean..." "I mean, he's lovely." "Yes." " She's lovely." " Yeah, she is." "She's very lovely indeed, actually." "She's..." " Are you in love with her?" " Whoa!" "No, shut up, Dad." "No, I'm not in love with her." "Listen to me, seriously." "Jess is only here pretending to be my girlfriend so that you and Mum don't think I'm a gaylord." "Oh, right." "Whatever you say." "Huh." "Knob." "Do you want to say something?" "You don't have to." "Hi." "My name's Sam." "I can fly." "He made me sing with him, in what can only be described as a very rapey duet." "Dance with me." "I need to speak to ya!" "About a jumper!" "Has anyone seen Abby?" "I'm holding each and every one of you personally responsible for her." "Scary's coming."