"â(Trademark)ª Praise my soul, the King of Heaven â(Trademark)ª To his feet thy tribute bring â(Trademark)ª Ransomed, healed, restored, forgiven â(Trademark)ª Evermore his praises sing" "â(Trademark)ª Alleluia, alleluia â(Trademark)ª Praise the everlasting king" "â(Trademark)ª Praise the everlasting king" "â(Trademark)ª Angels, help us to adore him â(Trademark)ª Behold him face to face â(Trademark)ª Sun and moon â(Trademark)ª Bow down before him â(Trademark)ª Dwellers all in time and space" "â(Trademark)ª Alleluia, alleluia â(Trademark)ª Praise with us the God of grace â(Trademark)ª Praise him still the same as ever â(Trademark)ª Slow to chide â(Trademark)ª And swift to bless â(Trademark)ª" "The pageant of the birth and death of our beloved savior, Jesus Christ, by Angela DiMarco." "The time, 1 B.C." "The place, a desert near Bethlehem." "Hello, I'm King Herod." "I want all the babies killed." "Do you have a baby for me to kill?" "No, we don't." "We're on our way to Bethlehem for our vacation." "I kill babies all day long." "I have terrible nightmares because I'm so wicked." "I drink too much and then I get into terrible car accidents and then I kill some more babies." "I can't help it." "I had a bad childhood." "(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)" "Mary, Herod's gonna kill all the babies." "We better run." "But, Joseph, what about my new dining room table and all my shoes?" "Pull yourself together, Mary." "You and your child are in danger." "You're right, Misty." "We must run away." "Look, Joseph, an inn." "Excuse me, you don't have any room, right?" "No, I didn't think so." "Oh, you would?" "Mary, this kind innkeeper says we can sleep in the stable." "In the what?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Mary, we really don't have any choice." "Yes, we do." "Sister Mary says we have a choice over everything." "So I choose to stay in the stable." "Well, here's the stable, Mary." "Pee-yew!" "It smells just like the zoo." "I'm afraid there are no sheets." "Uh-oh!" "JOSEPH:" "What?" "(JOY TO THE WORLD PLAYING)" "He's born." "Jesus is born." "ALL: â(Trademark)ª Joy to the world, the Savior's come â(Trademark)ª Let Earth receive her king â(Trademark)ª Let every heart prepare him room â(Trademark)ª And Heaven and nature sing" "â(Trademark)ª And Heaven and nature sing â(Trademark)ª And Heaven and Heaven and nature sing â(Trademark)ª" "ON RADIO:" "â(Trademark)ª Let Earth receive her king â(Trademark)ª Let every heart prepare him room â(Trademark)ª And Heaven and nature sing Oh, shit." "â(Trademark)ª And Heaven and nature sing... â(Trademark)ª" "(CHANGES STATIONS)" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "(TURNS DOWN VOLUME)" "Oh, my God, Gary." "What is that?" "It's a bedspread, brocade, and a little bit of gold." "What, do you think it's too much?" "It's perfect." "Oh, God." "How have you been doing?" "Okay." "You know, I'm working on the novel, I got the shop..." "Just give me a sec." "Novel, huh?" "What kind?" "Bestseller." "(CHUCKLES)" "Uh, you know, the truth is, I wasn't sure if you were going to show up." "Are you kidding?" "I've been waiting 25 years for this." "Oh, my God!" "Look at us." "Slaughter of the innocents." "What?" "I said are we really gonna do this thing?" "Oh, yeah." "What's this?" "A hammer and nails." "I mean, he was crucified, right?" "Look, if we're going to do this, I think we should do it." "Absolutely." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "Hello." "Hello." "I don't want to die doing this, okay?" "Sorry." "Angie?" "What?" "(WHISPERING) Merry Christmas." "Slow down." "Come on." "What time did you tell them again?" "I said 5:15." "What time is it?" "Um, it's 5:38." "Did you read this thing?" "Yeah." "She sent it." "And we're actually gonna do this?" "(HORN HONKING) Sure, why not?" "It will be fun." "Fun?" "I'm going to be burned at the stake." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "(SHOUTING IN GLEE)" "Oh!" "Careful." "God, you'll bend the garments." "How was the trip?" "Oh, it was long, it was really long." "Oh, six hours and 10 minutes to Grand Central." "Well, you're a bleeding saint." "You, I'm not so sure about." "Ah!" "Angela!" "Oh, God." "Oh, my God!" "How long has it been?" "What, about 15 years?" "Fifteen years..." "Oh, 16, easy." "Oh, my God." "You haven't changed a bit." "Well, in that case, you haven't changed either." "We haven't changed." "What about me?" "Well, okay, let's get in there." "Oh!" "Careful." "Careful." "Careful with the bag." "It's a loaner." "Where from?" "Children's Television." "I know this guy." "Hey, kiddo." "Mmm." "Long time." "How you doing?" "Never been better." "PHILOMENA:" "Hey, Angela, I love your rewrite." "I had her for seventh and eighth grades." "It was tough." "I had a big heart." "I own my own company." "Employ 2000 people." "You know what scares me?" "She calls on me tonight, and I don't know the answer." "Oh, she's just fabulous." "And she's so entertaining." "She's always got something up her sleeve." "Tony, stand up straight." "I'm hungry." "Sister Mary first, then food." "No, no, no." "So the doctor looks up..." "The doctor looks up and he says," ""We really need to trust each other."" "(ALL LAUGH)" "I don't get it." ""Need to trust..."" "Oh, come on." "No, I don't get it." "I don't get it." "But that's okay." "They don't all have to be funny, Gary." "Thank you." "So weird going to see her." "Ooh!" "What do you think she looks like?" "Oh, the same." "They never change." "I've had nightmares for weeks." "Hey, Gary, remember when we blew up the toilet and she made us walk around with peas in our shoes like St. Francis?" "St. Francis never blew up a toilet." "What?" "MAN:" "Questions for Sister." "Anyone with a question?" "Oh, Arthur, look." "I want to ask a question." "Oh, Mother." "No, I want to." "It will be exciting if they choose my question." "I'll be right back." "Hey, you look pretty." "(WHISPERING) I'm late!" "It hasn't started yet." "No, I'm late." "You know, late, late." "What are you..." "What are you saying?" "Two weeks." "I'm two weeks late." "I'm never late." "You're late?" "Shh!" "But that's impossible." "I used..." "Well, it broke." "It didn't break!" "They break all the time." "Look, you're just stressed out." "That's right!" "You know why?" "Because I'm two weeks late!" "It's okay." "How?" "How is it okay?" "(SIGHS)" "We'll get married." "Married?" "We're in high school." "I can't have a kid." "I can't even vote." "No, listen, come on... (GASPS)" "Ah, there you are." "What are you two whispering about?" "Biology." "Oh, God, I just remembered." "What?" "The questions." "Oh, God!" "Don't remind me about the questions." "Philomena." "What?" "Who made you?" "Every boy in the senior class, actually." "Ooh!" "Hey!" "Every boy but one." "Oh!" "Aloysius, Aloysius, why did..." "Aloysius?" "What?" "Why did God..." "Why did God make you?" "Uh, sort of a cruel joke." "That's very good." "That's great." "What is the eighth commandment?" "Fingers out of the bodily openings." "(LAUGHING) What?" "Is masturbation a sin?" "Only if you do it right." "It's the same thing every year." "I just don't see why we couldn't miss it." "Because it's a community event." "Don't you want to be a part of the community?" "Hi." "No." "And it is not the same thing." "Last year, she had that string quartet, remember?" "And the year before, she had the pictures of her trip to the Grand Canyon." "(GASPS) You look beautiful." "Well, I'm missing my entire hockey game, okay." "I just want you to know that." "Why can't you once in a rare while do something that you don't want to do that would give me a little pleasure, huh?" "Oh, I could ask you the same question." "We're in church, Robert, don't be a pig." "Oh, hello." "We met at bingo this week." "I'm Rose." "I've never been to bingo." "That's nice." "Someone's sitting in that chair." "Are you alone?" "Yes." "Yes, I am." "My husband would be here, but last week, he ran off with my best friend." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "I'm a little deaf, so I don't know what you said, but I love to see people smile." "Religion is partially about joy, you know." "I'll bear that in mind." "Hey, let's run the lines." "Oh..." "Pull yourself together, Mary, you and your child are in danger." "Definite nomination." "O ye of little faith." "Save it, Phil." "You don't want to peak too early." "Well, I've always thought the pivotal role was the role of the camel." "The front half, of course." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Let's do the song." "Okay." "ALL: â(Trademark)ª Gloria â(Trademark)ª" "Angie!" "Angie, look out!" "(TIRES SCREECHING) Goddamn!" "GARY:" "Pump the brake!" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(CRASHING)" "Yes, John, what is it?" "Should I collect the cards now, Sister?" "Yes, dear, that would be good." "How is the house?" "Filling up nicely." "Oh, very good." "(VOCALIZING)" "(BANGING ON VAN DOOR)" "ALOYSIUS:" "There's smoke in the van!" "Yes, I'm working on it." "Just finish your cigarette." "I'll take care of this, okay?" "(BANGING CONTINUES)" "I have claustrophobic." "PHILOMENA:" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Are you all right?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm fine." "I'm fine." "What is wrong with you?" "Are you crazy?" "With your insane driving, you almost killed us all!" "You almost... (BREATHING HEAVILY)" "Better?" "Yeah." "Well, this is fun." "(CLOCK CHIMING)" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "JOHN ON MIC:" "Ladies and gentlemen, will you take your seats, please." "(CLEARS THROAT) Please take your seats." "Thank you." "Oh!" "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost." "Amen." "ALL:" "Amen." "Oh, welcome." "(EXHALES)" "First, there is the Earth." "Near the Earth is the sun." "And also nearby is the moon." "(CHUCKLES)" "Outside the universe, where we go after death, is Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory." "Heaven is where we live in eternal bliss with our Lord Jesus Christ." "Hell is where we are eternally deprived of the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ and are thus made miserable." "Now, obviously, this is the greatest agony of Hell, but there are also other unspeakable physical torments which we shall nonetheless speak of later." "Purgatory." "Hmm." "Now, Purgatory is that middle area where we go to suffer if we have not been perfect in our lives and have not received the sacraments or made a good act of contrition." "Purgatory, depending upon your sins, may last for a very long time and is fairly unpleasant." "We do not yet know if there are physical torments in Purgatory, but we do know that there is much psychological torment because we are being delayed from being in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ." "For those non-Catholics present," "I bow my head in respect to our savior when I speak his name." "Our Lord Jesus Christ." "ALL:" "Our Lord Jesus Christ." "Our Lord Jesus Christ." "You can expect to be in Purgatory anywhere from 300 years to seven hundred billion years." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "I know that may seem like forever, but, eternally speaking, seven hundred billion years does come to an end." "All things come to an end." "Except our Lord Jesus Christ." "There is also Limbo." "Limbo is where the un-baptized babies were sent for all eternity before the ecumenical council and Pope John the 23rd." "Now, un-baptized babies are sent straight to Purgatory where, presumably, somebody baptizes them and then they are sent on to Heaven." "Un-baptized babies who died before the ecumenical council, however, remain in Limbo." "Now, I want to be perfectly clear about the Immaculate Conception." "Now it is true that the Blessed Mother gave birth to Christ without the prior unpleasantness of physical intimacy." "But that is not called the Immaculate Conception." "That is called the Virgin Birth." "The Immaculate Conception means that the Blessed Mother was herself conceived without original sin." "Everybody makes this mistake and it makes me lose my patience!" "That Mary's conception was immaculate is an infallible statement." "Now, I know a lot of faultfinding, non-Catholics run around saying" "Catholics believe that the Pope is infallible whenever he speaks, but this isn't true!" "The Pope is infallible only on certain occasions." "When he speaks ex cathedra, which is Latin for what?" ""Out of the cathedral."" "Now, when the Pope speaks ex cathedra, we must accept whatever he says as dogma or risk hellfire." "Or, now that things are so much more liberal, many, many years in Purgatory." "I would now like a glass of water." "Thomas!" "Water, dear." "Oh, there you are." "Well, thank you, Thomas." "This is Thomas." "Thomas is eight years old and in the third grade of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow School." "As you know, seven is the age of reason." "So, now, Thomas can choose to commit sin or choose not to commit sin, and God will hold him accountable for whatever he does." "Isn't that so, Thomas?" "Yes, Sister." "Thomas, who made you?" "God made me." "Why did God make you?" "God made me to show forth his goodness and to share with us his happiness." "And what is the sixth commandment?" "The sixth commandment is thou shalt not commit adultery." "And what is forbidden by the sixth commandment?" "The sixth commandment forbids all indecencies in thought, word or deed, whether alone or with others." "That is correct." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh, Thomas has a lovely soprano voice, which the Church used to preserve by creating castrati." "Unfortunately, Thomas will lose his soprano voice in a few years and receive facial hairs and psychological difficulties in its place." "To me, it is not a worthwhile exchange." "Oh, Thomas, sometimes in the mornings when I look out at those children lining up in front of the school," "I am overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and exhaustion just thinking of all the pain and suffering that they are going to have to face in their little lives." "But can their suffering compare to that of Christ on the cross?" "Imagine those nails being driven through his palms." "Pound!" "Pound!" "Pound!" "Rip!" "Rip!" "Rip!" "Think of that crown of thorns eating into his skull and the sense of infection that he must have felt." "Imagine blood from his brain seeping out through his eyes!" "Imagine his vision squinting through a veil of red liquid!" "Imagine those things and then just dare to feel sorry for those children lining up in front of the school!" "He came all the way down to Earth just so that he could be nailed to a cross and hang there for three hours." "Who else has loved us as much as that?" "Thomas, who made you, Thomas?" "God made me." "What is the ninth commandment?" "The ninth commandment is thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." "And what is forbidden by the ninth commandment?" "The ninth commandment forbids all indecencies in thought, word or deed, whether alone or with thy neighbor's wife." "Very good." "Go away now." ""Bring the little children unto me," our Lord said." "I don't remember in reference to what." "PHILOMENA:" "I'm freezing." "ALOYSIUS:" "Of course you are." "We're being punished." "GARY:" "I thought you do the bad thing first and then you get punished." "ANGELA:" "Listen, if you guys are getting cold feet, let's just forget it, okay?" "Forget the whole thing." "PHILOMENA:" "Come on, Angela, relax." "What can she do to us?" "We're grownups." "We're adults." "ALOYSIUS:" "Speak for yourself." "GARY:" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Hey, hey!" "Hey!" "(HORN BLARING)" "Thank you." "This isn't working." "What time is it?" "It's almost 7:30." "Great." "I have an idea." "You have an idea?" "Boom." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Here are your questions." "Yes." "(CHUCKLES)" "Oh! "If God is all-powerful, why does he allow evil in the world?"" ""We have 11 children, and my husband was just laid off." ""Would it be all right to use birth control?"" "Absolutely not." "Birth control is wrong." "Because God, whatever you may think of the wisdom involved, created sex for procreation, not recreation." "(TONY COUGHING VIOLENTLY)" "Tony Cardonelli, don't make me come down there." "I am not talking for my health up here, and I could do without competition from the peanut gallery, huh?" "All right." "Now, where was I?" "Oh, birth control." "Of course." "Now, birth control is wrong." "Wrong." "Why is it wrong, hmm?" "Birth control is wrong." "Why is it wrong?" "Why is birth control wrong?" "You." "Yes." "Yes, you, Tony." "Stand up." "Why is birth control wrong?" "I have no idea." "Sit down." "Birth control is wrong because everything in life has a purpose." "We eat to feed our body, we don't eat so that we can make ourselves throw up immediately afterward, do we?" "MAN:" "No." "No!" "Well, so should it with be sex." "Either it is done for its proper purpose, or it's just so much throwing up, morally speaking." "Hmm?" "Come on, clap." "Thank you." ""Do nuns go to the bathroom?"" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Yes." ""Was Jesus..." "Was Jesus effeminate?"" "Yes!" ""I have a brain tumor and am afraid of dying." "What should I do?"" "Now, I thought I had explained to you what happens to us after death." "There is Heaven, Hell and Purgatory." "So what is the problem?" "ON RADIO: â(Trademark)ª Silent night, holy night" "What the... â(Trademark)ª All is calm, all is bright â(Trademark)ª" "Let me guess, Bethlehem, right?" "(LAUGHING)" "So, where are we going?" "Oh." "You know Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow?" "Know her?" "I married her, sweetheart." "No, that's the one down on Mission Street, right?" "That's the one." "Right." "Thanks for the cocoa." "No problem." "So, you guys actors or what?" "Oh, no, no." "We're not actors." "We did this Christmas pageant 25 years ago." "Now we're going back to do it again for our old teacher." "Sister Mary Ignatius." "She invited us." "TRUCK DRIVER:" "Oh, that's nice." "Must have been some teacher to make you want to do something like that." "You have no idea." "Finally, an intelligent question." "Now, as any seven-year-old knows, there are two kinds of sin." "Venial sin and mortal sin." "Venial sin is the less serious kind, like if you should tell a small lie to your parents." "If you should die with venial sin on your soul, you can eventually work it out in Purgatory." "Mortal sin, on the other hand, is the most serious kind of sin you can do!" "Murder." "Sex outside of marriage." "Hijacking a plane." "(AUDIENCE GASPING) Masturbation." "Oral sex." "If you die with these sins on your soul, you are going to go to Hell, and you are going to burn for all eternity." "Thomas!" "The list." "We have a partial list of people who are going to burn in Hell." ""Christine Keeler." "Roman Polanski." ""Elizabeth Taylor." ""The editors of National Geographic magazine." ""Truman Capote." "Mick Jagger." ""Big John Holmes." "Lenny Bruce." ""Betty Comden and Adolph Green."" "Now, this is just a partial list." "We are constantly adding names to it." "Thomas, can you tell us how we can best avoid going to Hell?" "By not committing any mortal sins, by keeping close to the sacraments, especially going to confession..." "Yes." "...and receiving the communion and by obeying our parents." "Good boy." "Thomas, do you love our Lord?" "Yes, Sister." "How much?" "This much." "Oh!" "(CHUCKLES)" "This much." "Isn't that sweet?" "Oh, yes, Thomas, but Christ loves us an infinite amount." "He died on the cross to save us from our sins." "Wasn't that nice of him?" "Yes, it was." "And shouldn't we be grateful?" "We should." "That's right." "How do you spell "cookie"?" "C-O-O-K-I-E." "Very good, Thomas." "Now, Mary has had an argument with her parents and she has just shot and killed them." "(GASPS)" "Is this a venial sin or a mortal sin?" "Mortal." "And if she dies with this mortal sin on her soul, will she go to Heaven or to Hell?" "Hell." "What is two plus two?" "Four." "And one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?" "Nine." "Hmm." "That is so good, Thomas." "Excuse me." "Mmm." "Now, because she doesn't want to show her parents her bad report card," "Susan has just climbed to the top of a very tall building and jumped." "Is this a venial sin or a mortal sin?" "Mortal." "And where will she go?" "Hell." "That is so good, Thomas." "Thank you very much." "(CHUCKLES)" "As a special treat tonight, Thomas is going to sing for us the beautiful Christmas hymn, O Come, O Come, Emmanuel." "(O COME, O COME, EMMANUEL PLAYING)" "â(Trademark)ª O come, O come, Emmanuel â(Trademark)ª And ransom captive Israel" "â(Trademark)ª That mourns in lonely exile here â(Trademark)ª Until the Son of God appear" "â(Trademark)ª Rejoice!" "Rejoice!" "â(Trademark)ª Emmanuel â(Trademark)ª" "Don't despair." "He'll rise again in three days." "What do you know?" "You're just a dumb animal." "Mary and Joseph, your son Jesus has risen from the dead just like your camel told you." "Sister Mary says God never closes a door without opening a window." "It is time to ascend into Heaven to live happily ever after with God and the angels." "(INAUDIBLE)" "(PHILOMENA COUGHING)" "â(Trademark)ª Rejoice, Emmanuel â(Trademark)ª Shall come to thee, O Israel â(Trademark)ª" "Thomas, Thomas, come here." "I want you to sit on my lap." "That's a boy." "Oh, Thomas, would you like to keep your lovely soprano voice forever and ever?" "Yes, Sister." "Well, we'll just see what we can do about that, huh?" "Ouch." "WOMAN:" "Shh." "â(Trademark)ª Cookies in the morning, cookies in the evening â(Trademark)ª Cookies at supper time â(Trademark)ª" "Oh!" "Out of the mouths of babes comes such words of wisdom." "Thomas, I want you to answer some of those questions for a while, all right, my dear?" "Yes, Sister." "Good." ""How do we know if there's a God?"" "We knows there's a God 'cause the Church tells us so." "Very good." ""If God is all-powerful, why does he allow evil?"" "(SOFTLY) Good." ""What does God look like?"" "God looks like an old man, a young man and a small white dove." "(CHUCKLES) I'll take the next one, Thomas." "Thank you." "Sit down, all right?" "Thank you, Thomas." "Thank you." ""It used to be a mortal sin to eat meat on Fridays and now it isn't." ""Does that mean that the people who ate meat on Fridays" ""back when it was a sin are in Hell or what?"" "Well, the people who ate meat on Fridays back when it was a mortal sin are indeed in Hell, unless they confessed their sin to a priest before dying." "If they confessed their sin, they are not in Hell, unless they committed other sins they did not confess." "Now, people who ate meat on Fridays back in the '50s tended to be the kind of people who would commit other sins, so I would bet that many of them are in Hell even if they did confess the eating of meat." "Oh, no, no, please." ""What exactly went on in Sodom?"" "All right, who asked this question?" ""I am an Aries." "Is it a sin to follow your horoscope?"" "It is a sin to follow your horoscope because only God knows the future and he won't tell us." "We also know that horoscopes are false because, according to astrology," "Christ was a Capricorn." "Capricorn people are cold, ambitious and attracted to Virgo and Scorpio, and Christ was warm and loving and not attracted to anyone." "Thomas, get me a cookie, will you, please?" "Oh, thank you, Thomas." "That's so nice." "You know, I am going to talk about Sodom." "Yes!" "Thomas, you may go." "Sodom, to answer your question, is where they committed acts of homosexuality and bestiality in the Old Testament." "And God, infuriated by this, destroyed them all in one fell swoop." "Modern-day Sodoms include New York, Amsterdam, Los Angeles, San Francisco..." "Anywhere, basically, the population is over 50,000." "Now, the only reason that God has not destroyed these modern-day Sodoms is because Catholic nuns and priests live in these cities, and God does not wish to destroy them." "He does, however, give these people body lice and hepatitis." "You know, sometimes it's really very hard to understand why God allows so much wickedness to flourish." "I guess he wants man to choose goodness freely of his own free will." "Now, if it were up to me," "I'm afraid I might be tempted to wipe out whole cities and civilizations." "(CHUCKLING) But luckily for New York and Amsterdam," "I'm not God." "(ALL LAUGHING)" ""Why is St. Christopher no longer a saint?" ""And did anyone listen to my prayers to him" ""before they decided he didn't really exist?"" "The name Christopher means "Christ-bearer."" "We used to believe that St. Christopher would carry the Christ child across the river on his shoulders." "And then sometime around, I don't know, Pope John the 23rd, they decided that, oh, this story just didn't really happen." "Well, let me tell you something." "I'm not at altogether convinced that when we get to Heaven, we may not find that St. Christopher does indeed exist and that he dislikes Pope John the 23rd immensely." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Oh, thank you." "I know." "But, if he didn't exist, the prayers you prayed to him would have been picked up by St. Jude." "Now, St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes." "If you have a particularly terrible problem that has little hope of being solved, you pray to St. Jude." "Now, if you lose or misplace something, you pray to St. Anthony." "Thank you." ""Tell us about..." Oh!" ""Tell us about your family."" "(GIGGLES) Oh, no." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Well..." "Well, I had 26 brothers and sisters." "Five were priests, seven were nuns, three were brothers and the rest were institutionalized." "My mother was institutionalized shortly after she began to think my father was Satan." "I remember when we were little we used to come home and..." "And we couldn't find our mother anywhere, so we would pray to St. Anthony to help us find her." "And then when we would find her with her head in the oven, we would pray to St. Jude to make her sane again." "AUDIENCE:" "Aw..." ""Are all our prayers answered?"" "Oh..." "Yes." "Yes, they are." "But what most of us who ask this question don't seem to realize is that sometimes the answer to our questions is "No."" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" ""Dear God, please make my mother not be crazy."" "God's answer?" ""No."" ""Dear God, please make this cancer go away."" "God's answer?" ""No."" ""Dear God, please take this toothache away."" "God's answer?" ""All right, but you're going to be run over by a car."" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "But every bad thing that happens to us," "God has a special reason for." "He is our shepherd." "We are his flock." "And if God is grouchy or busy with more important matters, there is always his beloved mother Mary there to intercede for us." "I shall now sing the Hail Mary in Latin." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "(AVE MARIA PLAYING)" "(SINGING AVE MARIA)" "(SCREAMS)" "Oh, my God!" "(ALL MURMURING)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "Hello, Sister." "Oh, my God!" "GARY:" "Are you all right?" "Oh, you look so real to me." "It's Gary Sullavan, Sister." "Who?" "Gary Sullavan." "Your third grade class 25 years ago." "Third grade?" "What year?" "1959." "1959." "Oh, those were the happy years." "President Eisenhower, Pope Pius, and then the first Catholic president." "(SIGHS)" "The camel looks false to me." "PHILOMENA:" "Hello, Sister." "I thought so." "It's Philomena, Sister." "Philomena Rostovich." "And Aloysius Benheim." "Wait a minute, now." "I know you, though." "This is Angela DiMarco, Sister." "Angela DiMarco." "Oh, Angela." "Oh, look at you." "Oh, you look so good." "Just like the Blessed Mother." "That's the point." "My dear, but why are you here?" "You invited us to perform the pageant." "The one that I wrote in third grade." "You wrote me a letter." "25th anniversary." "Yes, this is my handwriting." "Oh, yes, Sister, you wrote it." "What an exceptional girl you were." "Oh..." "Even at age seven..." "Yes, you were." "So spiritual." "She wrote the most charming pageant." "We performed it every Christmas until those folk masses came, and then all they wanted was guitars." "But, Angela, you never answered my letter." "Well, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get everyone." "Well, you certainly have done that, haven't you?" "And what a gift it is." "The original cast and the original pageant." "I'm sorry, dear, who is the camel again?" "(PHILOMENA EXCLAIMS)" "(EXCLAIMS) It's Philomena Rostovich." "And Aloysius Benheim." "No!" "We grew up." "(CHUCKLES) That's a funny thing." "Shall we, huh?" "Yes, let's siege the pageant." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Thomas, dear." "Thomas, come here, dear." "Come, Thomas." "The pageant of the birth and death of our beloved savior, Jesus Christ, by Angela DiMarco." "Come on!" "The time, 1 B.C. The place, a desert near Bethlehem." "All my life, I wanted to grow up to be a virgin, and now that's what I am." "Joseph, guess what?" "I'm pregnant." "Darling, how is that possible?" "We haven't made love in over twelve cubits." "In fact, we've never made love." "I know." "It's a miracle." "I may be an ignorant sheep herd, Mary, but I do know my reproductive biology." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Now, who is the father?" "Okay, remember last year when I went to Galilee to visit my cousin Elizabeth?" "GARY:" "Yes." "ANGELA:" "I had an affair." "GARY:" "With whom?" "ANGELA:" "The Holy Spirit." "What?" "You had a thing with God?" "I was by the well and this dove showed up." "We started talking and one thing led to another and..." "What are you saying?" "That my wife and God..." "Mmm-hmm." "Wow." "Did he stay over?" "No." "He has intimacy problems." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "One day, the news came that the evil King Herod planned to kill all the babies." "Mary!" "Mary!" "You and your unborn child are in danger." "Hurry!" "Thank you, Misty." "You're welcome." "So, Mary and Joseph fled to the land of Bethlehem in Judea, far from Babylon and slightly below and to the left of Canaan." "It was a long and arduous journey, and, verily, there was much whining and gnashing of teeth." "(SIGHS)" "Joseph." "What?" "I want some butter pecan ice cream." "Why don't you pray?" "Maybe God will bring you some." "I think I will, but sometimes he says no." "At least somebody around here knows how to say no." "(GASPS)" "Oh, look, Mary, an inn." "Maybe there's room service." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Excuse me, my wife is pregnant with the Son of God, who is also the King of Jews, although we're not actually Jewish ourselves." "On the other hand, we were Jewish this morning." "I don't know what happened." "(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)" "Anyway, I was wondering if, under the circumstances, we could just... (IMITATES DOOR SHUTTING) Thank you." "Well, they're all booked up for the long weekend, but he said we could sleep in the stable." "The stable." "Joe, you're such a provider, you know that?" "(MAN LAUGHING)" "So, the little family bedded down for the night." "GARY:" "Mary?" "Hmm?" "When you and God, you know, got together..." "What about it?" "Was it better than with me?" "Well, we've never done it, Joseph, so anything would be better." "(AUDIENCE MURMURING)" "So, how was it?" "Let me put it this way, did you ever hear the story of the burning bush?" "(AUDIENCE GASPS)" "Uh-oh!" "(EXCLAIMS) GARY:" "What?" "Joseph, he's born!" "Jesus is born!" "Come on, son, let's go play catch." "Then we'll have that little talk about girls." "No, Joseph, he's not that kind of child." "He was born without original sin, like me." "This is called my Immaculate Conception, which is not to be confused with my Virgin Birth." "Everyone always makes this mistake and it really pisses me off." "Sometime later, Mary and Joseph can't find Jesus." "Oh, dear, where is he?" "Oh, proselytizing." "(CHUCKLES)" "Jesus, if your father is all-powerful, why does he allow so much pain and suffering in the world?" "Next question." "Yeah, how do we know the Pope is infallible?" "Because he says he is." "And he is correct because he is infallible, got it?" "Where in the Bible does Christ talk about birth control?" "In the Sermon on the Mount, right after he says, "Blessed are the merciful,"" "it says, "The condom is an abomination, also, spermicidal jelly."" "PHILOMENA:" "I don't remember that." "Hey, what about..." "No more questions." "(AUDIENCE MURMURING)" "Then came the time for him to be crucified." "MAN:" "Sacrilege." "And behold." "Verily and yea, his mother saideth unto him..." "Oh, Jesus, why must you be crucified?" "Well, Mother, because Adam and Eve, especially Eve, sinned, all of mankind is cursed until I can redeem everybody by dying on the cross." "Why can't God just forgive us?" "Well, Sister says when we can't explain something, it's a mystery." "Hmm." "It sure is." "Okay, let's go watch you be crucified." "And so they all went to a hill called Golgotha." "Ladies and gentlemen, imagine the agony, the pain." "The nails ripping through his hands and feet." "Oh!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "The bleeding flesh." "The tiny little bones in his hands cracking." "(AUDIENCE MURMURING) What could be worse than that?" "Not your petty little problems, that's for sure." "Well, he's dead now, Mary." "Oh." "Let's go for a long walk." "Oh, Joseph, why did things turn out this way?" "Let's face it, Mary, he was a strange child." "Maybe if you had been around more." "He never did have a good role model." "I was earning a living, okay?" "Herding sheep is no picnic." "Joseph, you're a carpenter." "I am?" "So why was I herding sheep?" "Maybe he was a nut." "I mean, the desert, the fasting, the visions." "Maybe the entire religion is based on low blood sugar." "Maybe the Holy Ghost isn't his father." "Maybe I'm not even a virgin." "Oh, Jesus, Joseph, I'm going out of my mind." "There." "There." "Don't touch me." "But then, three days later, they went to the tomb and Jesus was alive!" "Hello, everybody." "Happy Easter." "Now, thanks to me, everyone who has led a good life will be allowed into Heaven." "Except for certain denominations, of course." "And so, Jesus, Mary and Joseph and their camel ascended into Heaven, and they all lived happily ever after." "ALL: â(Trademark)ª Gloria" "I love this song." "How do you know?" "â(Trademark)ª In excelsis Deo â(Trademark)ª" "WOMAN:" "Get off the stage." "MAN:" "Horrible." "Thank you, children." "That was very interesting." "I think I heard a little rewriting in there, Angela." "What happened to Herod?" "He's living in Miami." "Oh?" "Well, I must say the third grade version was the good one." "When will authors learn not to tinker with perfection?" "But it's such a good story, I enjoy it every time." "Well, we really should go." "Oh, go?" "No, no." "We're having such a wonderful reunion." "I think we should try some of the old questions." "Who made you?" "God made me." "Very good." "What is the seventh commandment?" "The seventh commandment is thou shall not steal." "Very good." "What is contrition?" "Being sorry for sin." "No, that is not how we answer questions around here, young lady." "Thomas?" "Contrition is sincere sorrow for having offended God, and hatred for the sins we have committed for the firm purpose of sinning no more." "I am surprised at you, Angela, for somebody who just played the Blessed Mother." "Well, it's been so long." "Well, it's a hard question." "I understand that." "Thomas, why don't you go get our nice guests some cookies, huh?" "So good to see you all." "I hope you're married and have large families like we encourage." "I have a little girl age three." "SISTER MARY:" "Oh, isn't that sweet." "I have two boys." "Well, I do like boys." "You?" "I'm not married." "You're not married?" "But a nice-looking boy like you..." "Well, I'm sure it won't be long before some pretty girl snatches you right up." "(SISTER MARY LAUGHS)" "And, Angela." "I don't have any children." "But I've had two abortions." "(ALL GASPING)" "Thomas!" "No cookies." "Take the cookies away." "Go on." "Well, the first was when I was 17." "I knew I shouldn't be having sex, but I was." "Good girls wait." "So, I pretended the whole thing wasn't happening." "But it was." "Then I had to deal with it very fast." "Well, I am very sorry to hear that, my dear, but only God has power over life and death." "Now, he may have had very special plans for your little baby." "What is the fifth commandment?" "Thou shalt not kill." "You are a murderer, as much as it pains me to say that." "Have you told your sins in confession?" "I don't go to confession." "Well, we're just going to have to add your name to the list of people who are going to burn in Hell." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Thomas, the list." "Angela DiMarco." "D-I, capital M-A-R-C-O." "Put it right after Comden and Green." "All right, let's talk about something positive, shall we?" "Uh, you." "You with the little girl." "Tell us about her, will you?" "Um, well, I have a little girl." "And she's three and her name is Wendy." "There is no St. Wendy." "Oh, well, her middle name is Mary." "Wendy Mary?" "Yeah." "Too many Y's." "I'd change it." "Okay." "What does your husband do?" "Um, well, I don't have a husband." "Did he die?" "No, I don't think so." "I didn't know him for very long." "Did this person you lost track of marry you before he left?" "No." "Are you a prostitute?" "No, Sister, I just get lonely." "(LAUGHING)" "Sorry." "I fail to see the humor in sinfulness." "Now, listen to this." "The Mother Superior of our own church may get lonely at times, but does she have illegitimate children?" "There was that nun who stuffed her dead baby behind her dresser last year." "(AUDIENCE GASPING) No one is addressing you, mister!" "It was on the news." "Children!" "Now you're making me very sad." "Did you get good grades in my class, huh?" "No, Sister, you said I was stupid." "You probably were, because the point is, loneliness does not excuse sin." "There are worse sins, and I believe Jesus forgives me." "After all, he didn't want them to stone that woman that was taken in adultery." "That was merely a political gesture." "In private, Jesus stoned many women taken in adultery." "That's not in the Bible." "Well, not everything has to be in the Bible!" "There is oral tradition in the Church." "One priest tells another priest something and it gets passed down through the years." "PHILOMENA:" "But don't you believe Jesus forgives sin?" "Yes, of course he forgives sin." "But he's tricky, okay?" "Now, you have to be truly sorry and truly resolve never to commit sin again, or he will send you to Hell just like he did to that thief he was crucified next to." "Well, I think Jesus forgives me." "Well, I think you're going to Hell!" "How do you like them apples, huh?" "(SMATTERED APPLAUSE)" "Now, what about you?" "You're living properly, aren't you?" "Hmm?" "Yes." "Yes." "And you're married, huh?" "Yes." "And you don't use birth control?" "(CLEARS THROAT) No." "But you only have two children." "Why is that, huh?" "I don't know." "Chance." "Infrequency of contact." "Low sperm count." "You go to mass once a week?" "Holy Confession at least once a year?" "Holy Communion once a year, right?" "Yes." "Well, that's good." "Anything else?" "Come on!" "I'm an alcoholic." "Last week I hit my wife, and I have thoughts of suicide." "(AUDIENCE MURMURING)" "Well, within bounds, these things are all venial sins." "Of course, I don't know how hard you're hitting your wife, but with prayer and God's grace..." "My wife is very unhappy." "Yes, but eventually there is death and then everlasting happiness in Heaven." "Some days I long for Heaven." "Now, what about you?" "You're okay, aren't you?" "I'm fine, thank you." "And you don't use birth control?" "Definitely not." "Well, good." "What do you mean, "Definitely not"?" "I don't use it." "And you're not married?" "Have you not found the right girl?" "In a manner of speaking." "Uh-huh." "You do that thing that makes Jesus puke, don't you?" "Pardon?" "Oh, drop the polite boy manners with me, buster." "When your mother looks at you, she turns into a pillar of salt, right?" "What?" "Sodom and Gomorrah, stupid!" "You sleep with men, don't you?" "Yes." "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" "We've got a regular cross-section here." "You see, this is what happens when you stray from mother church." "As a matter of fact, I got seduced while I was at the seminary." "No!" "Father Carl and Brother Adolphis..." "No, we don't want to hear any more of this!" "He wants to tell it, Sister." "No, he doesn't." "Maybe we would all like to hear it." "No, I don't think so." "Wouldn't we?" "Come on, folks." "Gary, tell us." "Tell us your story." "Yes." "Well." "I'd been denying it for a long time." "When I left the seminary, I was very upset, and I went to New York and I slept with, like, I don't know," "(AUDIENCE GASPING) 500 different people." "Jesus is going to throw up." "Then I decided I was just trashing my life, so I only had sex with guys that I had an emotional relationship with." "Well, that must have cut it down to around 300." "So now, I'm with this one guy, Jeff." "He's Catholic, too, actually." "And we're faithful to each other." "And it's, you know, it's really working out." "Some of them should be left on the side of the hill to die." "This is one." "He's a practicing Catholic, so now I am again, too." "Well, I would practice a little bit harder if I were you." "So, I don't think I'm so bad." "(EXPRESSES DISGUST)" "You all make me want to go... (EXPRESSES DISGUST)" "Didn't any of you listen to me when I was teaching you, huh?" "Were you too stupid to pay attention?" "There is the universe created by God!" "Eve ate the apple." "Man got original sin." "Jesus said to St. Peter, "Upon this rock."" "By "rock," he meant Peter." ""Upon this rock, I will build my church,"" "by which he meant that Peter would be the first pope, and that he and the subsequent popes would be infallible on matters of doctrine and morals." "So, your way is very clear!" "You have this infallible church which tells you what is right and what is wrong." "You follow its teachings and you get to Heaven." "Didn't any of you hear me?" "What, do you have cotton in your ears?" "Did you think that I was speaking in a foreign language or what?" "Now, you." "You're just depressed." "You probably need vitamins." "(TITTERS)" "But the rest of you, why this obsession with sex?" "The Church has been very clear in setting up guidelines." "Why can't you marry a nice Catholic man and have as many babies as chance and the good Lord allows, huh?" "Simple, easy to follow directions." "And as for you, you can just force yourself to marry and procreate with a nice Catholic woman." "Try it." "It is not so hard." "Or you can be celibate for the rest of your life." "These are your options!" "There are no others." "They are the direct path to Heaven and salvation and everlasting happiness." "Why aren't you following them?" "Are you all insane?" "No, Sister, you're insane." "You know, you are my least favorite person here today." "The little effeminate one over here makes me want to go... (EXPRESSES DISGUST)" "But I can see that he was once nice and he could get better with shock treatment and aversion therapy." "But shock treatment won't help you, will it?" "You're fresh as paint and you're nasty." "I can see it in your face." "You shouldn't be teaching small children." "You should be locked up in a convent where you can't hurt anybody." "Me hurt anybody?" "You're the one running around killing little babies." "Just because the sperm touches the ovum doesn't mean that it's a baby." "Don't you dare talk filth to me!" "I will not hear it!" "Why did you come here tonight?" "You invited us." "Well, not for this." "Not to humiliate me in front of all my friends." "Why would you want to do that?" "You!" "We never liked you." "Well, that is ridiculous." "My students love me." "I am the favorite." "(SCOFFS) You're a bully." "Well, you are a poor, deluded man." "How many of you were in my class?" "Hmm?" "Come on, raise your hands." "Now, was I the favorite?" "See?" "Hands down." "You never let me go to the bathroom." "All you had to do was raise your hand." "I did." "And you never acknowledged me." "And I usually ended up..." "Oh, what?" "Did you wet your little pants?" "(SCOFFS) Big deal." "My goodness." "I talked to them about original sin and Heaven and Hell, and they complain to me about bathroom privileges." "You are a ridiculous crybaby, you know that?" "You were then and you are now." "No, I'm not." "Stop poking me." "Crybaby!" "Are you a little crybaby, huh?" "No!" "You used to hit me, too." "Well, you probably said something stupid." "You used to take the point of your pencil and you would poke it up and down on my head when I didn't do my homework." "Serves you right." "And sometimes you'd take my head and you would slam it against the blackboard." "Did I ever break a bone?" "No." "See?" "What about you?" "Huh?" "What'd I do?" "Did I physically abuse you as well?" "Huh?" "Did I?" "No, no, no." "But I found you pretty scary." "Well, I am scary." "But you." "All I did was praise you." "You were such a sweet, angelic little girl." "What was my crime?" "Why would you ever want to do this?" "Because I believed you." "I believed how you said the world worked and that God loved us and the story of the good shepherd and the lost sheep..." "And I don't think you should lie to people." "But I did not lie." "That is how things are." "No, this is how things are." "When I was 18, my mother got cancer and I prayed to God to ease her suffering." "She was in terrible pain for over a year, and she couldn't speak and she couldn't cry." "And then she went into a coma and died." "Now, I know that there are far worse deaths." "Certainly, Christ on the cross, right?" "But I kept wondering why I was praying and it didn't work!" "Because..." "No, I know." "Sometimes he says no!" "But why would he say no to ending my mother's suffering?" "I wasn't even asking that she live." "And he wasn't letting her suffer because she'd been bad." "Because she wasn't bad." "So, why?" "I wasn't even asking that she live." "Just that he end her suffering." "So, why did he let this happen?" "Is it cruelty?" "Was the Lord God actually malicious?" "Or, maybe," "(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) there was no God." "And my mother suffering was just random, like, I don't know, the weather or something." "Then the day after my mother died, I was raped." "(AUDIENCE GASPING)" "I know that's..." "That's really too much because it sounds like I'm just making it up or something." "One loses all sympathy for me." "But sometimes bad things happen all at once." "And on this day, after my mother died, I was at the grocery store, and there was this guy on line I kind of knew from the neighborhood." "And I was in a bit of a fog thinking about all this, and he offered to help me carry my stuff home." "And I made him a cup of tea." "And he took a kitchen knife and he raped me." "(WOMAN GASPING)" "That was my second abortion." "(AUDIENCE GASPING)" "Well." "I think she's making it up." "You're a dangerous fool." "My dear, you have obviously not read The Book of Job." "Yes, I have and it's a nasty story." "God likes to test us so when we choose to love him, no matter what he does to us, it proves how great indeed our love for him is." "That always sounded like the Story of O." "Well, there's no talking to you, is there?" "You don't want help or knowledge or enlightenment, so there is nothing left for you but an unhappy life, sickness, death and Hell." "(ALL GASPING)" "Angela, what the hell are you doing?" "It's okay, I've got a permit." "She really puts on a good show, doesn't she?" "You know, because after my mother died and the rape," "I thought I should protect myself." "(EXCLAIMING)" "And the more I thought about it, the more I hated you for filling my head full of all that static." "For making me expect that the world would be ordered, for there to be purpose and for there to be reason." "But you know what?" "There isn't." "Angela, Angela..." "It's all random." "And I'm the proof." "Now, I want you, Sister, to apologize." "I want you to tell" "(ALL EXCLAIMING) all these witless people..." "Now, just that you're a fraud." "That there's nobody out there." "That no one hears our prayers." "Yes, dear..." "No one." "Dear!" "Dear!" "Angela, now you stay calm." "Of course, you're right." "Now, life is a trial and I know you have suffered, but can your suffering compare to that of Christ on the cross?" "Maybe we should all just wait outside." "Just stay where you are!" "Now, listen to me, my dear." "I know that things seem inexplicable and random." "But they're not." "If they were, wouldn't that be too terrible?" "Just us alone in the universe." "And I know how your dear sweet mother suffered and how much you love her, and how nothing will ever bring her back." "But..." "Look out!" "GARY:" "What?" "What?" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "GARY:" "I got the gun." "Okay." "I got it." "She's got it!" "She's got the gun!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING) Get back!" "He does answer prayers, for you are wrong!" "Now, sit down, everybody." "Stay seated." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Just sit down." "Now, I have not dismissed you yet." "There." "Well." "Now." "(PANTING) Oh, you're here for a lecture and, of course, we are going to continue that lecture until it is completed." "No!" "No!" "No!" "(SCREAMS)" "(ALL GASPING)" "(SOMEONE CLAPPING)" "(WHIMPERING)" "(SCREAMING)" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Shut up!" "It was her or me, and God made his choice." "Somebody call an ambulance!" "Everybody sit down." "Please, remain seated." "Everything is absolutely under control." "Everybody." "You, miss." "(ALL GASPING) You, over there!" "Sit down." "And you, Adam Fitzgerald." "Back!" "You heard me." "It's fake, you know." "Please be quiet." "It's a rubber gun." "I only like to ask once." "Oh, my God." "What is it now?" "She's dead." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Yes, well, it is a gun." "Now, for those non-Catholics present, killing someone is allowable in self-defense." "You don't even have to tell it in confession." "I'm sorry, dear." "Thomas!" "Thomas, dear, could you get me some water, please?" "(SIGHS)" "Oh, look, there are four more." "(LAUGHS)" "(ALL EXCLAIMING) Just in case anybody gets rowdy, huh?" "All right, let's go." "This is too weird for me." "Please remain seated." "No thank you." "We have some shopping to do." "No thanks?" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "That's..." "That's a real gun." "CYNTHIA:" "Oh, my God." "What is it, huh?" "Who said that?" "John?" "John, bring up the lights, will you, dear?" "Yes, dear?" "It's Cynthia Johnson, Sister." "Yes, dear, what is it?" "I have to go." "Not now." "I really have to." "Stop it!" "Cynthia, you are obviously not a very bright girl." "We are in the middle of a lecture, and we are going to stay until that lecture is completed, is that understood?" "But I just got my period." "Yes!" "(GASPS) Well, it is a bodily function." "In my time, we didn't feel the necessity to announce it to the world." "Let her go, Sister, she's bleeding." "Tony!" "Sit." "Why did God create menstruation?" "I don't know, Sister." "Neither do I." "All right, does anybody else want to leave?" "All right then, go!" "Just go, all of you." "There's obviously no interest in theology anymore, or religion." "Or wisdom." "So surely the world will end tomorrow." "You run away." "Well, fine." "Just go." "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Run away!" "Go on!" "That's right." "Just go!" "You disgust me, all of you." "No, not you three." "Ahh!" "No, you have not been dismissed." "You are being held after class!" "(CLOCK CHIMING)" "(PRAYING)" "Sister, I have to go to the bathroom." "Raise your hand if you have to go to the bathroom, Aloysius, and wait until I have acknowledged you." "Thomas!" "Now, most of my students turned out beautifully." "These are the few exceptions." "But we never give up on those who've turned out poorly, do we, Thomas?" "Well, thank you, dear." "Thank you." "Thomas, can you tell us the story of the good shepherd and the lost sheep?" "Sister, I think I need to go home now." "In a bit, Thomas." "Sister, I don't feel so good." "I said in a bit!" "Now, Thomas, the good shepherd was so concerned about his lost sheep that..." "Yes?" "He left his flock to go find the lost sheep and he found it." "That is correct." "And while he was away, a big bad wolf came and killed his entire flock!" "Just kidding." "(CHUCKLES) I'm just feeling a little lightheaded from all the excitement." "Thomas, here." "Thank you, dear." "Go on, you may go sit in my chair." "That's right." "Now, where were we?" "(HOSTAGES EXCLAIMING) Oh, yes!" "The catechisms!" "(WHOOPING)" "Who made you?" "God made me." "Oh!" "Correct." "What is the seventh commandment?" "Oh, honey, I can't really hear you, dear." "(GUNSHOT)" "Thou shall not steal." "Very good!" "The ninth?" "Huh?" "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." "Oh, that is so excellent." "But then that's not a big problem for you, is it, huh?" "No, Sister." "Oh, you can go, okay?" "This is no place for the likes of you." "ALOYSIUS: (WHISPERING) Gary." "That's all right, Sister, I'll stick around." "Sister, I have my hand up." "(SHUDDERS) Keep it up!" "Why don't you let him go to the bathroom?" "Oh, Gary Sullavan!" "Yes, Sister?" "Don't you think that that thing that you do with your friend..." "Jeff?" "Don't you think that it's wrong?" "No." "No, not really." "(GROANING)" "But I do go to confession because Jeff is kind of into the whole ritual and all." "Yes." "You mean you tell it in confession, that thing that you do?" "Yes." "When was your last confession?" "This morning, actually, since I was going to be playing St. Joseph." "And have you sinned since then?" "No." "No, Sister." "Jeff is out of town, you know." "(SCREAMS)" "(BOTH SOBBING)" "Forgive me, my God, for I have truly offended you." "You see?" "Now, if he made a good confession," "I have sent him straight to Heaven and eternal blissful happiness." "Otherwise, he would have ended up in Hell." "But I think Christ will allow me this little dispensation from the letter of the law." "But I will go to confession later today just to make sure." "Now, you!" "With the little girl, go before I decide your little girl would be better off in an orphanage, huh?" "Thank you, Sister." "I promise I'll go straight home and I'll get married right away." "I know this nice Catholic boy who works at the post office." "He kind of likes me." "I think he's a lapsed Catholic, but I'll tell him that we have to get married and go to church constantly." "Well, not constantly!" "Everything in moderation." "Just go and sin no more!" "I'm going to leave now." "SISTER MARY:" "Hands up!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Look at that." "He did it again." "Oh, Thomas, come here, dear." "Come on." "Come on, Thomas, everything is back to normal." "Come here, dear." "Now, Thomas, come here." "Come here." "Who made you, dear?" "Hmm?" "Sister, I think I need to go home now." "Now, Thomas, now we both know that your mother will not be here for another 20 minutes, so you are stuck with me." "Now, Thomas, who made you?" "Come on." "God made me." "Yes." "Thomas, I am so tired." "Oh, my God, my poor, sweet Angela." "I've killed her." "And you know what?" "I don't think I've sent her to Heaven." "I think she's in Hell." "Come here, Thomas." "Come here." "Take this." "If that man moves, shoot him." "Thomas, Thomas, tell us about the angels." "What are angels, Thomas?" "Angels are spirits without bodies..." "Yes." "...created by God." "Oh, Thomas, that is so lovely." "And how do the angels help us?" "By praying for us..." "Yes." "...by acting as messengers from God, and by serving us as our guardian angels." "And tell us about the Last Judgment." "(MOUTHING) THOMAS:" "On the last day," "Jesus Christ will send judgment..." "Yes." "...on all the souls who have ever lived." "On the last day." "And he will send the bad souls to Hell." "Yes, to Hell." "But where will he send the good souls, Thomas?" "To Heaven." "(WHISPERING) Come on." "To Heaven." "Glory be to God." "Thomas, sing." "Sing a hymn to the glory of God." "(HUMMING) â(Trademark)ª Lord of all hopefulness â(Trademark)ª Lord of all joy â(Trademark)ª Whose trust ever childlike â(Trademark)ª No cares could destroy â(Trademark)ª Be there at our waking" "â(Trademark)ª And give us, we pray â(Trademark)ª Your bliss in our hearts, Lord â(Trademark)ª At the break of the day â(Trademark)ª" "(POLICE SIREN WAILING)" "(PRAYING)"