"I get really conscious I'm being filmed walking." "I find it really difficult." "Is this natural?" "It feels natural." "Got indigestion." "We're late, aren't we?" "We're late." "I've just seen Beyonce's sister get in the other lift." "APPLAUSE" "Hello, I'm Alan Davies, and this is As Yet Untitled." "Just me and four guests having a bit of a chinwag." "Sounds simple, but it's not." "It's ever so complicated." "We don't have any questions, or even a prepared intro." "We just..." "There's no agenda." "I just have a conversation with them." "They're all marvellous." "Please will you welcome my guests?" "Yes!" "Welcome." "It's not a seance!" "It feels like it should be a seance." "Let me introduce you all." "We have Holly Walsh who knows less about badgers than Ken Bruce knows about Jeeves." "Looking forward to that." "Jimmy Carr, who played matchmaker to Cheryl Cole and Prince Harry." "It's a ripping yarn." "Our youth policy for this evening is Seann Walsh." "Seann Walsh for whom geography is not his strong point." "Yeah." "And we are delighted to have stand-up legend Tommy Tiernan who once Nazi saluted to Prince Charles." "I remember that." "I remember that!" "So, welcome." "ON ITV as well." "Was it on ITV?" "Does that make it worse?" "Worse!" "It was his 50th birthday party, so he hired the Palladium or something like that." "We'd arrived in the theatre earlier on in the day to rehearse." "I did my bit, to no laughs." "Complete silence." "You were doing a stand-up session?" "Yeah." "Like a variety show." "They want you to rehearse every move beforehand." "To no laughs." "Welcome to my world." "So you're getting despondent as your set goes on, and then at the end they said...at the end they said, "Will you bow to Prince Charles?"" "And I just wouldn't be allowed by the island I come from for such a..." "If he was the King of Peru or something I could bow to him, but not..." "Do you know what I mean?" "Or if he was from Thailand I could bow to him." "That would be...what was the phrase?" "Taking the soup." "Taking the soup." "A bad thing to do, so I said, "Look, what I'll do is I'll go like that."" "Like..." "Talk to the hand?" "Just as the independent member of one tribe to the head of another." "Hello." "You're now saying you're the head of your tribe." "No, no, no." "He said a member." "I said member." "So showtime came around." "I did the bit, and it went really funny." "The last time I did it on tour, of course, nobody laughed." "I was kind of buzzed up on this huge adrenalin." "I remember I had to walk over... and do this to Prince Charles, but I had this idea as I was walking..." "..to just give him a salute like that." "And each step I was taking, wave, salute, wave, salute, and I just ended up going, "OK!"" "Yeah, but in front of 14 million people." "On ITV." "I wonder if that's how Nazi Germany started." "A bad gig?" "Well..." "Did you really tailor your material to a prince's birthday party?" "Well, I just didn't say fuck." "Sold out." "1998, 1997..." "A long time ago." "I did this thing for Prince Charles about the time, in 1997." "All I remember about it was I had to follow Phil Collins, and he sang a song called Where's my Hat?" "Remember that song?" "Have I dreamt this?" "Was it Paul Young, Wherever I Lay my Hat?" "No, Where's my Hat?" "Where's my Hat?" "Phil Collins." "Please someone tell me that's a real song." "All I remember was he was wearing a hat all the way through, and I thought, "This is ridiculous."" "I think it was a dream you had, so..." "This does feel like a phone-in radio show between 3am and 4am where they're really scraping the barrel, like, Where's my Hat?" "Is that a song?" "Phone in." "Those are the best shows, though, aren't they?" "They're amazing." "I like it when they just lay into the person." "It's that late at night, and they don't care any more." "People call in, and they are so rude." "They just go, "That is not your real voice."" ""This is my real voice." "That's the most ridiculous voice I've heard in my whole life."" "If I called in, they would be like, "Are you 11?" "You should be asleep." You do have a very youthful voice." "I have a very youthful voice." "I'm closing my eyes and listening." "Say something." "This is inappropriate." "That checks out, that checks out." "I also found recently I look like...and I found this out because everybody tweets me this..." "I look like a young Mary Berry." "Oh my God!" "When they make the movie, and they're going to, you're a shoe-in for that role." "If I'm not, I'll be upset, I really will." "I might have to have somebody with an older voice dubbed in, but..." "Face-wise..." "Mary Berry could do it." "I could get Mary Berry to be my voice." "Do you think her real name's Berry, or she just calls herself Berry because it's sort of cake-ish?" "There are more cake-y surnames." "Like Flan." "Mary Flan." "Let's not over-think it." "Mary Cake could be her name." "To be fair, I should have her surname." "Holly Berry." "There is an actual berry, isn't there?" "I think we all need to drink more." "I hosted a radio show once in Ireland, in rural Ireland, and the biggest response we got was when we asked people to phone in to give us the best roads to go drink-driving on." "I swear to God, I swear to God." "The R952 out of Roscommon." "There's never any Guards on that road, Tom." "The best road to go drink-driving..." "I remember that generation, my parents' generation, would have said, drink-driving used to be an excuse." "If you ran someone over, you'd go, "No, but I was very drunk."" "And they'd go, "No, yeah, he was."" "And they go, "Well, these things happen."" "Super-loaded." "At some point they went, "No, that is a crime."" "We met this..." "We were up in Donegal." "We were in this pub at lunchtime on a Sunday, and people were drinking three or four pints of lager, and getting into a car, and we were saying, "Hang on." "What's the story here?"" ""It's bad now, but ten or fifteen years ago it was unbelievable."" "And he told us this story about how one night there was eight or nine of them in a Ford Fiesta hatchback..." "..hammered." "Good effort, though, to all get in there." "And one person wasn't driving it." "They each took different bits of the car." "Was this an episode of the Wacky Races?" "Oh..." "They came to a police check point." "Right?" "And the police stopped, he looked in, and went, "Ah, for fuck's sake, lads!"" "He said..." "He said..." ""The two in the boot'll have to walk."" "A true story." "LAUGHTER I think I've been doing it wrong." "Can you tell me about match-making Cheryl Cole and Prince Harry?" "Oh, that's like a weird...one of those weird " "The two of them together, or" " Were you Prince Harry's wingman?" "A little bit, yeah, but not in a very weird..." "I did that Jubilee gig." "Remember that big thing they made of the Jubilee?" "There was a big gig outside Buckingham Palace." "Right." "And there was a big party in the Palace afterwards." "Such a bizarre day." "Kind of people were kind of knocking around, and I bumped into Prince Harry almost immediately." "We walked in." "Prince Harry was just there." "He'd done this interview the week before, where he'd gone, "I sort of can't find love." "It's really difficult for me because no woman wants to buy into this incredibly difficult lifestyle of being in the Royal Family", and I said," ""Yeah, because women famously don't want to be princesses."" "I was kind of taking the piss out of him, and then Cheryl Cole was playing at the concert, and I'd spoken to her earlier in the day." ""You're single, he's single", and she was going," ""Oh, don't embarrass me, don't embarrass me."" "As she would." "Was that an impression?" "I think I'm having a stroke." "I was chatting away with Prince Harry, and said," ""Cheryl Cole's over there." "Do come over and have..." "Cos she's single, and you're single, and it'd be super-funny, and she'll be horribly embarrassed and uptight about it, because I said I would."" "And he went, "Definitely, let's do it."" "He was kind of really up for it." "He just went over and was incredibly charming and nice." "That's the end of that story." "Prince Charming." "Yeah, he was" " Prince Charming." "He's everyone's favourite, I think." "She didn't marry him." "No." "That would be an amazing thing, though, wouldn't it?" "No, not at all." "If they did an..." "I think I've been doing it wrong, because..." "I've just been..." "I've just been doing this." "What is that?" "I mean, that's..." "It feels like that's a hell of a run-up." "You climb up the drawers." "The top of the drawers." "Jump off." "Here I come!" "Here I come is the worst thing you could say." "I don't like silence." "Here I come is an amazing sign-off move." "Who else was at that?" "Paul McCartney was there." "I think I saw Peter Kay." "Peter was there, yeah, dressed as a Beefeater." "And there's a photo" " Did Queen play on the roof?" "Madness played on the roof." "Sorry, Madness played on the roof, yeah." "Our House." "Yeah." "They looked like Fathers for Justice." "They did, didn't they?" "They really did." "Trying to see his kids." "It would have been good if they'd unfurled a banner." "Just weekends, please!" "Is the Prince quite posh?" "Amazing question." "Does he have a posh accent, and is he..." "Yeah." "I think posh is defined against them, isn't it?" "It's closer to them, the posher you are." "After you've seen The Queen the movie, and she's there eating Cornflakes out of a Perspex box..." "What do you mean, a Perspex box?" "Tupperware." "She had Tupperware." "They did a documentary about the Palace and there was Tupperware where they kept Cornflakes." "Oh, my God, that's adorable." "It's kind of, yeah." "You'd think the Queen would have one big special Cornflake on her plate." "Like a big bumper size?" "The Royal flake." "I would love that." "You know when they do a big Yorkshire pudding with the meat inside it?" "I'd be into a big Cornflake." "It would be like a poppadum, really." "But it would be a Cornflake." "Poppadum with a bit of milk." "We might be onto something here." "I would have thought the Queen would have had her own chicken making Cornflakes." "Chickens don't..." "Is it just me?" "Am I really stupid?" "You're thinking of the front of the Kellogg's box." "There's a chicken on the box, and it's full of Cornflakes." "That's a cock." "Is there any connection between the chicken and the Cornflakes?" "It's not where the flakes come from." "Did you think it was just a chicken with alopecia?" "There's no connection at all between the chicken and the box?" "Hang on - don't tell me there's no connection between Sugar Puffs and the Honey Monster, please." "This is just ridiculous." "Sugar Puffs are changing their name." "They want to play down the amount of sugar." "Not sugar P Diddys?" "Carbs is a new thing, isn't it?" "Carbs." "For you, yeah." "But before, it was just called pasta." "Yeah, and now it's called carbs." "Just the last few years, all I hear is people..." "Carbs, carbohydrates..." "That wasn't happening before, was it?" "I had lunch with a friend the other day." "Yeah, it is a weird thing when it passes a certain point." "I don't know where it hits for you, but I went for lunch with a friend the other day." "I had some fruit for dessert." "Just a little fruit salad." "He went, "Fruit." "It's just all sugar." "Very bad for you."" "I went, "You can just all fuck off now." "You can just all fuck off." "I'll have a pie." "Fuck you all." If they're going to push you that far." "It's aggravating." "I had a girlfriend years ago..." "I've had two." "And she wouldn't have a pistachio nut." "Why?" "She had a severe allergy, and you're an arsehole." "How did you know that?" "Allergic to nuts is my favourite term for Lesbian." "But I said, "Come on, it's tiny."" "Some kind of sadistic serial killer." "This really small nut's not going to make you fat." "She was worried about getting fat off one..." "Off the pistachios." "Wouldn't have one." "I ate them all." "More for me." "People have been anxious about what they're eating for the last 20 years." "If there's too much food, everyone starts getting anxious about what they're eating." "We need to go back to the times when there wasn't enough food, don't we, Tommy?" "Back to the Famine." "What I would be very concerned about would be... simple people eating complex carbohydrates." "That's just not going to work." "That's an accident waiting to happen." "People eating quinoa." "Quinoa..." "The little bits..." "Queen-oh-ha I call it." "I call it queen-oh-ha." "Kale." "Where did kale even come from?" "Five years ago, no-one knew what kale was." "I worked out, quinoa is just rice for cunts." "Quinoa is..." "Couldn't be more with you." "Didn't you train as a therapist?" "Is that true?" "Yeah." "I qualified as a psychotherapist, but that was just a cheap way of getting therapy." "Really?" "It's not like a proper qualification." "It's just a really fun thing to sort of go and do." "Your friends hiding behind the wall." "Wait till you hear this one." "She's mental." "All right, Susie, come on." "Start talking." "Shush." "Stop laughing." "To be a good therapist, I think you really need to give a shit." "That's always something I find very difficult." "I feel really sorry for the three people who did see you who are now watching this show going, "Oh, my God, that guy didn't even care, and I told him my secrets."" "Do they get Dave in prison?" "They probably don't." "After your training, how soon after that did you go and be a stand-up comedian?" "It was the same time." "I was working for a large oil company in marketing, and having a proper job, and just went, "Can't be bothered with that."" "I was interested in therapy, and interested in stand-up, and just went and did that." "And were you living in London at the time?" "Just outside." "Slough." "RIPPLES OF LAUGHTER" "A very unpleasant reaction to Slough." "Are there people from Slough here?" "Because you'd better go, because your ankle tag's about to go off." "If this was America, and you said the place you were from, everyone would be like, "Whoo!"" "Here you say Slough, and everyone's like, "Oh, God."" "I love that thing when you travel round the country." "The pride people have in their town being shit." "I have no pride in where I come from." "I've no pride." "I wish I came from somewhere with identity." "Where do you come from?" "I come from Guildford, so nothing good comes from Guildford." "It's too close to London." "What got you into comedy, anyway?" "I always liked doing it." "I liked..." "I'd always loved Monty Python and stuff, and then I used to work in the art world for years." "I got more and more sick of it." "I did that bad thing where I faded out one job, and faded in another job, which meant I was really bad in my job, so I went into work on the last day, and I sat down, and wrote some jokes, and did some emails about gigs." "And about one or two o'clock in the day" "I said to my boss, "Do you want me to do anything?"" "And both my bosses said, "We haven't done any work." "We've both been sitting here at our desks staring at you all morning, waiting for you to ask what jobs you need to do, so I think you should just leave this job."" "And it was the nicest sacking I've ever had in my life." "Two guys had stared at you for the whole morning..." "They'd sat there." "I was busy emailing away, trying to get work." "Trying to write some jokes, and they both sat there for the whole morning looking at me like that." "They're a couple of lazy pricks." "If you want something, bloody ask." "They were like, "I think you don't want to do this job." "You're right, I really just want to do stand-up."" "They said, "Well, we'll give you two weeks' wages, and you should just leave now."" "You are the kindest people." "Thank you so much." "I've been such an arsehole." "Thank you." "I had a lovely thing when I left my job." "There was a guy called Mike Harl, who was a really lovely guy." "I was sort of talking about getting a job somewhere else, and he just went, "I don't think the working week is really for you."" "Just was a really cool guy, and just kind of went, "You know what, just leave." "Something'll happen." "You'll be OK." "Just get out."" "Such a sweetheart." "I got sacked from TK Maxx for falling asleep under the coats." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "You're a treasure." "You are a bloody treasure." "I bet someone bought you...someone nearly bought you as well." "I got..." "I used to get such bad anxiety at work when I was at TK Maxx." "You feel sorry for me, don't you?" "But what used to happen is I didn't know how to fold..." "Like, if there was a normal jumper I'd be fine." "T-shirt fine, jeans fine." "It was like a blazer." "I'd think, "Hang on, how do you fold this?" "What am I going to do?" I'd get so panicky." "I can't tell anyone that I don't know how to do this, so what I used to do, seriously, is people would come to the cash point, put that blazer down..." "I don't know if I'm allowed to say this..." "I used to go, "If you fold this yourself, I'll give you the bag." "I'll take the tag off, and you can have it for free."" "LAUGHTER" "Seriously." "These people just looked at me like, "Are you having me on?" "Are you taking the piss?" "No, seriously." "I just can't do it." "I'll take the tag off." "There's a bag." "Cheers." "Thank you." "Oh, jumper." "Cool. £34.99."" "I just..." "Oh, awful!" "I cannot..." "I can't marry up the anxiety issues you have with your laidback, confident, smiling, jovial on-stage persona." "All I've ever wanted to be was a comedian." "Since I was a kid, saw Whose Line is it Anyway?" "..." "There's still time, Seann." "Oh!" "My wife is another lady!" "Anyway, so..." "So I was born in Donegal in the north of Ireland." "I lived there for three years, and then we moved to Africa." "I lived in Zambia for three years, and at the age of six we moved to Mitcham." "Saff London." "Lived there for a year, and then moved to a town in Athlone by the name of Ireland." "What?" "I'll say that again." "And then I moved to a town in Ireland by the name of Athlone." "Oh, God." "I so bore myself that I just..." "You can't be boring." "And then I've lived in loads of other towns, so basically I haven't been anywhere long enough to be from there." "The town where I live now is..." "I live in Galway now, and I wouldn't even be considered to be from there, so..." "You're from Donegal." "I'm not from anywhere." "You are." "You're from Donegal." "How you know where you're from is it's the first place on the list." "Those are just places you've been." "I'm getting the hang of it now, yeah." "How come you went to Africa?" "Did your parents..." "My father got a job out there." "What does he do?" "My father was an agricultural adviser." "OK." "What an adviser does, basically, you spend a day or two in the office, and then you spend four days on farms, just walking around." "With men, just...judging grass, and cows, and..." "Leaning on gates." "What kind of advice is it?" "Leave your sister alone, that kind of " "That kind of stuff, yeah, yeah." "What advice would you..." "Because he's a farmer for a living." "Advice on how to get grants." "Oh, subsidy..." "But also advice on grass, and on cows, and sheep, and...so at his retirement do, all these...people from the Department of Agriculture spoke about how wonderful an adviser he was." "My father, being quite a shy man, you know, he got up to speak at the end, and he said," ""Thank you now for all the kind words." "I have to say... the best bit of my job was standing shoulder to shoulder with the farmer pissing into a hedge."" "So that's my..." "That's where I come from." "So I often..." "Because I was the new boy in school loads, loads..." "That's quite a big thing." "I'm very familiar with the feeling of not knowing anybody, and having to ingratiate yourself into them, and..." "Even when I was 16, I was sent away to a boarding school." "So I often wonder is that where the stand-up comes in, where you're so used to being the new person, having to impress others, so..." "The travelling round as well." "That's the perfect lifestyle of the comedian, of never quite wanting to... sit at home too much." "At 16 you were sent..." "To boarding school." "Was there a conflict in the house at 16?" "Were you a handful?" "I was so happy to be sent away." "Were you really?" "Oh, Jesus." "I could hear my parents kissing in the room next door." "When you say kissing..." "You know what I'm talking about." "So I was delighted to get out of the house." "Sent to a religious boarding school." "Islamic, or...?" "You've got to ask." "It's a colourful childhood he's had." "Quakers." "Did you consider the Church at any point?" "No." "I actually applied for the priesthood, and they were all set to have me until my exam results came out, and suddenly they were full." "Sorry!" "Because of your exam results, they said you couldn't..." "Because you did a degree in Theology to be a priest, so I didn't get into university, so..." "I think you've just got to have an imaginary friend, haven't you?" "Yes, but... ..quite a powerful and influential one." "OK." "One of my kids has an infredable...infredable..." "Oh, Jeez!" "Inedible friend." "One of my kids had an invisible friend called Dermot, and there were situations like my four-year-old would be screaming, and I'd come in...he'd be on the arm of the couch." "He'd be screaming." "I'd say, "What's wrong?"" "he'd say, "Dermot is trying to push me onto the floor."" "Do you remember that bit when you're a kid, and there's that sort of depressing moment where you're..." "Yes." "You were playing with something, and you're really into it, and then there comes a point where you're like," ""Oh, I'm just not as into this as I used to be, and I really want to kind of..."" "I've had relationships like that." "I think that's the saddest thing about being a kid, is when you're 14 you want to be 17." "You can't enjoy being your age." "You're always aspiring to being a year older, or two years older." "I imagine you were always in your 30s, even as a child." "LAUGHTER" "That's not far wrong." "I would not be surprised if you had a briefcase at some point between the age of seven and fourteen." "I was like a parent's wet dream." "Well, technically anyway." "Yeah." "You were a bright boy, weren't you, did well at school?" "You did well at school." "The opposite of these two." "We've got two super-clevers, two utter failures." "Hang on - you were in the top set at school, weren't you?" "I know too much about your life." "It's creepy, but..." "You were in the top set at school." "What happened was, when I was sent to this new boarding school" "I came second in my year in the Christmas exams." "I came second out of 84." "What is Santa's last name?" "When was Jesus' birthday?" "And in my summer exams, I came 84th of out 84." "What hap..." "Did you discover girls in that period?" "No, strangely, and probably uncomedically enough," "I became quite religious, and I decided that the education system didn't suit my soul." "So I..." "When you were 16, 17?" "Yeah, and I boycotted my exams." "I went to visit a priest who had left the Catholic church, and lived on an island off the west coast, and I stayed with him for a while." "Father Ted." "Is it?" "No, it was real." "I remember." "I have video footage." "And I came back" " You stayed on a little island..." "With a priest who'd been kicked out of the Catholic Church." "Left." "This doesn't sound like it's going to end well as a story." "You as a strapping 16-year-old boy." "No, it was fine, and I met a girl then who was living on the island." "I had some kids with her." "Really?" "Genuinely, yeah, yeah." "You met your wife there?" "No, not my wife, no." "My wife is another lady." "Anyway, so..." "My wife is this other lady who is from Dublin." "I met her in a nightclub." "When I was off the island." "How many kids now?" "I have six children altogether." "By how many..." "By two women." "That seems fair enough." "Not so bad, is it?" "So you were very young." "You were a teenage boy..." "You met this girl on the island. 24 when I had my first baby." "Oh, OK." "So they're 21, 16, 12, 7, 6 and 2." "And the bonus ball?" "He's got both the bonus balls." "That's amazing." "So you were going to be a priest, and were really into..." "I was getting up before dawn to pray." "And I was staying up..." "And we all know Dawn." "She's up early." "And I was staying up when everyone else in the boarding school was sent to bed." "I would go to the prayer room by myself, and pray." "And did you preach in Church at all?" "When I boycotted the exams I told my dad I wanted to leave school, and just..." "I'd basically preach, is what I told him." "And he said, "OK, you can do that", because they were kind of at their wit's end." "And then I panicked, and said, "Maybe I will go back to school."" "And what happened was the school would only let me back on the condition that I didn't talk to any of the other students about religion." "I had that with cannabis." "Do you think if you'd got the exam passes, you'd have gone and done the degree in Theology, and you might have been a great loss to stand-up comedy?" "Do you think you'd have come out eventually...out of the priesthood?" "You know what?" "I'm gonna do the gigs anyway." "Yeah, I'd be..." "There's great comfort in girls, like." "So I doubt I would have lasted..." "You wouldn't have lasted long?" "No." "Two or three years, and then I would have just..." "Fuck this!" "I had these weird sort of fantasies about badgers." "I've got some questions." "What's this geography problem that you have?" "Well, no, what it was..." "Do you know where you are now?" "Dragon's Den." "I..." "I'm out." "Before you even..." "The rumours are true." "I recently just went to the wrong town for a tour show." "The wrong town?" "I went to the wrong town." "I go to the wrong venue all the time." "It's not a problem." "But the wrong town" " Which town did you go to?" "So, right, I was meant to be in Hertford." "I went to Hereford, so what happened..." "That is a long way." "I just looked at the details." "Basically got a T mixed up with an E, which I can tell you, leads to some mental mornings." "Really bad." "It's three and a half hours this train journey." "Got off, got to the taxi, and the reason I still didn't find out at that point I got to the wrong place was because I just went, "The theatre."" "Like in an underwritten film?" "Yeah, exactly, yeah!" "Because I just thought, "There's going to be the one."" "The theatre." "So I got in, got to the venue." "It was huge." "I thought, "That's not mine."" "Unless I'm in the foyer." "Immediately I was like, "Oh, something's wrong here."" "And he turned round, and I stopped him, and went," ""Sorry, can we go to the..." "Sorry, this is the wrong one."" "He went, "No, this is the only one."" "He went, "Are you sure it's in Hereford?"" "And he meant on the borders, might be a town outside Hereford." "Straightaway, suddenly, like in a film, my brain sort of went back in time." "I didn't even have to look." "My brain went...phoosh!" "I looked at the phone, and I saw the T." "Like in my head, went Hertford." "So I was just panicking straightaway." "I've missed shows before, so was terrified of ringing my agent." "I rang up the venue first." "They were OK." "They said it's happened before." "They said we get this all the time." "Brilliant." "We get this all the time?" "Seriously." "She was absolutely fine." "She was like, "Oh, yeah, we always get this." "Don't worry."" "Danny Boy told me a story..." "You know Danny Boy, the comic?" "Told me a story he was in Australia in a theatre, and walked out at the beginning, and fell off the front of the stage." "And broke his shoulder." "Falling off into the orchestra pit." "And he got off, and he managed to do 45 minutes before the ambulance arrived, and then they had to cancel the second half, and he went to hospital." "And just as he was leaving, the stage manager went, "That's four of you that have done that."" "Well, put up a sign!" "They're just watching them like lemmings." "I had one once where I was doing a Christmas party in a club on Tottenham Court Road." "And I'd come over from the island." "Especially for the show." "A long day's travelling, and they were just really drunk, and just not listening at all, you know." "I got really annoyed and started abusing them, and they started abusing me." "I was arrgghh, arrgghh, arrgghh!" "And they started throwing money at me." "Throwing coins, like, "Get off the stage!" "Get off the stage, mate!" "Get off the stage." "You're shit!" "I won't get off!" "I'll stay as long as I want!"" "Coins coming at me, and stuff like that, and then this woman tried to get me off." "I pushed her away, and eventually reached the end of what I said I was going to do, and said, "Well, youse can all go fuck yourselves!" "My name is Andrew Maxwell." "Goodnight."" "And..." "I forgot completely about it, and I was doing a show with Andrew about three months later." "He wasn't talking to me!" ""You've been in London lately, have you?"" "He reminded me of what happened, so..." "Best heckle I ever had, I was supporting Stephen K Amos in York, and it was going terribly, and then a baby starting crying." "A baby, and I went, "Why have you brought a baby to a gig?"" "And a voice at the other end of the room went," ""Maybe she was having trouble getting it to sleep, so she brought it to see you."" "That's pretty good." "Good night, y'all." "I loved it." "I clapped with them." "That's good." "Sometimes you've got to, haven't you?" "Definitely." "Holly Walsh, can you tell me about badgers?" "Oh, it's my favourite subject in the whole world." "You know less about badgers, it says here, than Ken Bruce knows about Jeeves." "I did that Celebrity Mastermind." "Have you done it?" "OK..." "No." "No." "LAUGHTER" "And your specialist subject is folding blazers." "I was on with Ken Bruce, the guy who's Wherever I Lay My Hat That's my Home..." "Paul Young." "Wow." "Yeah, wow." "And someone from" " He's lovely." "Have you met him?" "No, but just the videos..." "Anyone who just puts the hat down, that's where..." "Sounds nice." "Gentleman." "I did Celebrity Mastermind, and they asked me what my specialist subject was." "I don't have a specialist subject." "When I was a child I was obsessed with badgers." "Like to the point where I had these weird sort of fantasies about badgers." "Like, I used to have this " "I've got some questions." "What age were you?" "What kind of fantasies?" "OK, probably aged..." "When I was six I was asked to go on an ITV programme as Britain's youngest badger watcher, and I had to talk about my obsession with badgers." "I was so into badgers, I was on television." "That's how obsessed I was with badgers." "Had you been in a hide, and been out at night?" "You don't go in the hide." "Oh, God, Alan." "Jesus Christ!" "You have to" " Sorry about him." "Go on." "It's not like Beatrix Potter." "I was so obsessed." "When they asked me when I was like 30, what's your specialist subject?" "I was like, "Badgers", because it was the only thing I ever knew about." "How long is a lady badger pregnant for?" "LAUGHTER" "This is..." "You know that was the question that I..." "You know that was the question that I lost..." "Mastermind on?" "Did you set the questions?" "I'm guessing six weeks." "Six weeks?" "I think it's about nine." "Nine weeks." "You can guess most of it." "Yeah, I reckon, yeah." "Four legs." "How many legs has a badger got?" "Imagine if they were all that easy." "What's Bodger's last name?" "Would a male badger attack you?" "Yeah!" "Sorry!" "They have those" " Under what circumstances?" "They lock, so they can't..." "Once they're in, they can't get out." "Isn't that the same thing they say with the dangerous dogs?" "If one of them attacks you, you're meant to put your finger up the bum, yeah." "It's got to be the animal's bum as well." "You can't just..." "Your own bum, no." "Or like an innocent bystander, you can't just be..." "A dog's biting me." "Sorry, I have to do this." "Thank you." "I do a fair bit of walking." "We all do." "Really?" "Sometimes I need a pee in the middle of the night, and I'll just take myself." "Distance walking." "Distance walking out the country." "And I'm afraid of dogs." "I have a phobia..." "All dogs?" "Yeah, most dogs." "Were you bitten as a child?" "Yeah, I was, yeah, but a postman that I asked told me that they hated stuff being squirted in their eyes." "Oh, God..." "I don't think I could perform under those circumstances." "I really don't think..." "Hang on, Fido, give me a minute." "I think the worst thing you could do in front of an aggressive dog is to whip your cock out." "I like the whip." "I think that's maybe..." "I mean..." "Suggest my cock out?" "I might maybe hint my cock out." "Fucking whip..." "No, but, so I..." "So what I do is, when I'm walking past dogs," "I have a water pistol." "Do you?" "You're like the shittest cowboy ever." "And because I'm walking..." "Perfectly innocent, non-aggressive dog..." "I've never had to use it yet." "It's very hard" " Oh, a Super Soaker?" "Pump it up!" "Wait, I haven't pumped up yet!" "Wait!" "It's actually very hard to get the old ones." "You can't get the old ones." "You can get a water pistol." "You can't." "I tried." "You can't." "The best warning I got, I was on a safari in Africa last year, and a big Afrikaans guy..." "We were watching lions eat an antelope, and the guy just went," ""Be careful." "The lions can give you rabies."" "Oh..." "I'll bear that in mind." "I'll get a jab as soon as I get to Heaven if one of them eats me." "Did you do all right on the general knowledge?" "I'm pretty bad at general knowledge." "Like pub quizzes, I am the worst person..." "What's the capital of Bulgaria?" "Isn't it called a president?" "The capital." "Oh, capital!" "I thought he said captain." "I'm with you." "I genuinely thought you said that." "I was there going, "I've got to get this."" "Captain of Bulgaria..." "You've had time to think now." "No idea." "Where's Sofia?" "Oh, wow." "There are no left-handed people in Afghanistan." "That's the cultural thing where you eat with the right hand." "No, I made it up." "I was willing to go with that." "APPLAUSE" "We're at that point in the show where we need to come up with a title." "We've nearly stumbled on one right at the death." "There are no left-handed people in Afghanistan." "I thought complex carbohydrates was brilliant." "Complex carbohydrates for simple people." "That's a very good..." "Simple people eating complex carbohydrates..." "How about the late Alan Davies is..." "Yeah." "A Memorial Special." "Remembering Alan Davies." "Aw..." "I hope something doesn't happen now in the next couple of weeks." "How about As Yet Untitled..." "After Hours." "And we just take our tops off." "I think it's kind of harder on you than it is..." "I mean, I'm down with it." "Cool." "Well, I think..." "Babe Station?" "Babe Station!" "Yeah!" "The advert - us going, "Call me now." "Have a chat."" "They wave the phone." "They wiggle the phone." "I know, yeah!" "They're wiggling the phone." "If they wiggle it, you'll go, "Oh, all right, then!"" "I'll ring now because they wiggled it at me." "I wasn't going to ring, but now I'm going to ring because of the wiggling." "OK, I'm going to go with Simple People Eat Complex Carbohydrates." "Thank you very much to Holly Walsh," "Jimmy Carr, Seann Walsh and Tommy Tiernan." "It's been lovely talking to you." "You have been watching Simple People Eating Complex Carbohydrates." "Good night." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd"