" You were gonna go skinny-dipping?" " It was a prank." "You just sprayed the wrong dog." "We should have never gotten married." "I'm really, really sorry." " Divorce papers?" " You're better off without me." "So, the reason Phil and I called you here tonight is to let you know that we have made the mutual decision to get divorced." "The big D. You know, we truly do want what's best for each other." "Which means we'll be avoiding each other like the plague." "I'm just kidding." "Carol knows that my door is always open." "Oh, not as open as my door that you promised to fix but never did!" "We'll never lose this." "This is, uh, here to stay." "Hey, to Carol." "Oh." "I sincerely hope you find the happiness that I was never able to give you." " And I mean that." " And to Phil." "Thank you for three wonderful weeks of marriage." "Three weeks?" "Specifically, the first day and a half was really something." " Hear, hear." " Hmm." "Ah, enough chit-chat." "Who wants to dance?" "Hit it, Gail." "Ripped By mstoll" "Carol, I'm throwing paint into a wood chipper right now for no reason!" "Just mindless, messy fun." "'Cause I don't have to answer to anybody anymore!" "Anybody!" "Oh, shoot." "Ugh." "Whatever." "Come in." " Gail!" " Hey, Phil." "Hey, indeed." "Hey, indeed." "What can I do you for?" "I did not realize that you and Carol were only married for three weeks." "That puts kind of a different little spin on things." " Oh, yeah?" " Oh, yeah." "I just thought I'd come by and see if maybe you want to have a little fun." "Well, you know." "I love fun, you know?" "Big fun enthusiast." " Uh..." " Mmm." "What you, uh..." "What you thinking about, uh, fun-wise?" "Um, I'm sure we can think of something." "Oh, God, no doubt." "Two adults searching for fun." "Yeah, prospects are good." "So, uh, we talking, like, watch a movie, or..." "No, Phil, I don't want to watch a movie..." "Why, do you want to watch..." "No, no, I just want to do whatever you want to do, you know." "Whatever's in that mind of yours." "Well, Phil, you are in luck, because a couple of very detailed plans just popped into my head." " Why don't you, uh, debrief me?" " That can be arranged." "Hey, guys." "Just picking up more of my stuff." "Divorce, right?" "Carol, now's not the-the best time." "Oh, don't mind me." "You guys just go back to what you were doing." "Why don't I come back later, say around 3:00?" "Mmm." "Might be up doing some chores in my bedroom about that time." " Oh, why don't we just meet up there?" " Okay." "See you later, Phil." " A little breakfast for my lady." " Aw, thank you, Todd." " You know how I love butt pancakes." " Oh, woops." " Sorry." " An upside-down butt." " Yep." " Even better." "Well, I hope you like it." "And I mean that from the bottom of my upside-down butt." " What?" " Nothing, I just..." "I'm happier than I've ever been, and it's all because of you." " Todd..." " I mean it, you know?" "When I was out there, you know, the world was dark and empty." "Then you came along, and you filled it with light." "I guess what I'm saying is," "I love you, Melissa." "Todd..." "Thank you." "You're welcome." " Ah." " Hey, Phil." "G'day, Erica." "G'day, cow." " Someone's in a good mood." " Is she talking to you, girl?" "You in a good mood?" "A little cow humor." "So, single life's treating you well?" "Oh, yeah." "Breaking up was definitely in everybody's best interest." "You know?" "And I wish Carol all the best." "And she does the same for me." "She's a good kid." "And I'm a good kid." "We're good kids." "Hey, so I was thinking about going on a hike later, at this bluff I found." " Yeah?" " Do you have any interest in that?" "I'll call that bluff any day of the week, you know?" "Love to go on a hike with you, big hiking enthusiast." "Got all the gear, got the mindset, let's do it." "Let's do it, let's get that hike on." "Shall we say 5:00?" "5:00 is perfect." "It's like heaven-sent." "I got a little appointment at 3:00, but knowing my history, that won't last anywhere near two hours, so... 5:00 it is, yes, yes, yes." " I'll see you at 5:00." " I'll see you at 5:00." "You see what just happened there, didn't you?" "Hey, bud." "You okay?" "Why are you out here walking all alone?" "I told Melissa I loved her, and she didn't say anything back." "Oh, that's a major burn." "Oh, that's horrible." "You must feel like crap." "God, that is a bummer." "That's-that's big time." "That's a big time..." "That sucks." " Yeah." " Hey, even if she wasn't into you, we're the only two guys around, okay?" "And she hates me, so I think you're safe." "You know, I just keep thinking, if we all showed up, what's to say other people won't show up?" "Relax, nobody else is gonna show up." " Well, how can you be so sure?" " Because I am." "Look, I'm finally single again." "I'm friends with my ex, and I have two dates lined up, one of which is a straight-up sex date." "I'm about 69% sure of that." "I have even more to lose than you, and do I look nervous about it?" " No, you don't." " Good." "I'm not." "Go ahead." "I got a good thing going here, Tucson." "I don't need anyone showing up to blow it for me." "Hmm." "Just a little insurance, and I am good to..." "No!" "Oh, farts." "Help!" "Help!" "Oh God, please help!" "Please help me!" "I can make that." "I can make that." "If I land just right, I can make it." "I just have to land exactly right." "Just have to land it perfectly." "Two beautiful women waiting for you at home, Phil." "Now, stick the landing and get home and make love to those women!" "One, two..." "Help me!" "Help me, I'm gonna die up here!" "Help!" "I am so scared!" "Phil?" "It's 3:00." "Phil?" "Phil?" "You dirty dog." "Yes." "Finally some shade." "No!" "You were my shade!" "And my pants!" "Phil?" "Gail." "Gail." "Erica." "What are you doing here?" " I was supposed to meet up with Phil." " So was I." "Yeah, I can see that." "Guess we got double-booked." "And double stood up." " Phil." " Frigging Phil." "Phil..." "Oh!" "Wow." "You didn't waste any time." "Carol, Phil and I were just gonna go hiking." "I don't need to know your little Australian terms for when a man plays with your breasts." "Gail, I suppose you were gonna go "hiking," too?" "No, we were gonna have sex." "Not upset." "Just know you're getting my sloppy seconds." "And they were sloppy." "Good morning." "Here you go." "Breakfast is served." " What's this?" " Uh, did I miss something?" "It's juice, syrup, pancake." "All there." "Todd, what's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong, everything's great." "Look, I'm sorry about the other day." "It's just I don't take saying the "L" word lightly." " Please don't read more into it than that." " I won't." "I'm already not." "Look." "All fixed." "Want some?" "No." "So, how was your little ménage à three-way with my very recent ex-husband?" " He never showed up." " What?" "Phil Miller missed out on a chance to have sex with two women?" "Oh, my God." "Phil's dead." "So, as you know, Phil's been missing for about 24 hours, and I think we need to look for him." "I'm sure he's fine." "Maybe we should organize a search party." " Where do we start?" " Well, who saw him last?" "Oh, there he is." "No, that's not Phil's truck." "Well, then whose truck is it?" "Oh, my God." "This guy belong to you?" "So I was driving down Route 77." "I saw a ladder laying beside a billboard." "So I looked up at the sign." "I saw something move." "Now, you know, it's not often you catch something moving these days." "So I stopped to check it out, and I found this guy passed out in his underwear." "I was surprised he didn't notice the ladder behind the billboard." "There was a ladder?" "Thank you so much for bringing him back to us." "Sorry, we don't even know your name." " I'm Phil." "Phil Miller." " What?" " Wait, your name is Phil Miller?" " Excuse me?" " I'm Phil Miller." " Hold it." "He's in shock." "He's just repeating what I'm saying." "No, his name really is Phil Miller." "Seven people left on Earth, and two of them are named Phil Miller?" " I'm Phil." " And they could not be more different." "I mean, apples and oranges." "Your name really is Phil Miller?" " Are you..." " Okay, folks." " Situation is, we got two Phil Millers." " I'm Phil Miller." "Okay, okay, well, tell us about yourself." "I mean, who is Phil Miller?" " Well, I'm from North Carolina." " Get out of town, me, too." "What part?" "Stationed at Fort Bragg." "Former military." "My dad was in the military." " I did military." " Phil..." "No, but I was military." "I'm not making that up." " Go on, new Phil." " Well, after I left the Special Forces," "I became a contractor, mostly for Habitat for Humanity, but also to make a buck here and there." "That's awesome." "I also did Habitat for Humanity in college." " Yeah, that's right." " It was fun." "Yeah, hey, Phil, I'm Todd, Melissa's boyfriend." "It's so nice to have someone here with practical skills." "I mean, none of us have any idea what we're doing." "Oh, I wouldn't say none of us." " So, when are you guys going to Tampa?" " What do you mean?" "Uh..." "When I found Phil, he had written "Moved to Tampa" on the billboard." "Ah, yeah, let's just keep talking about something else." "Why would you do that, Phil?" " Prank." " We all know why." "He was finally gonna get a chance to sow his oats, and he didn't want anyone else to come in and ruin it for him." " Disgusting." " Phil." "Well, Phil Miller, why don't you let us give you a little tour of the neighborhood?" " We do it now." " Yeah, come on." " Please..." " Oh, thank you." " Gentleman." " Do you walk, Phil?" "I'm Phil Miller." "Well, that guy's handsome." "So we now have a super handsome guy on the block." "That's fun, huh?" "Just fell from the sky like a gosh dang angel." " Todd?" " Yeah?" "We doing okay?" "Yeah, no, fine." "I'm just pumped up, you know?" "I mean, it's not every day you meet a guy like that." "You know, I mean, he's an absolute 10 in the looks department." "You guys have that whole Habitat thing going on." "You know?" "How fun is that?" "Right?" "Excuse me." "Oh, my goodness." "Can you imagine how gorgeous your little babies would be?" "Todd, we've talked about this." " I like you." " Yeah, but you don't love me." "I'm-I'm sorry." "I just..." "Being with you has been like a dream, and I am just so scared I am gonna screw it up." "Then don't screw it up." "Just be your normal, sweet, charming self, and everything will be fine." "Hah! "Will be" fine, right?" "So you admit everything's not currently fine?" " Todd!" " I got it." "I got it." "Yeah, I got it." "Totally got it." "Hey, hey, hey." "I just wanted to apologize for, uh, missing our date yesterday." "Circumstances were just cray-cray." " Uh, yeah." " Speaking of cray-cray..." " Sorry about this, you know." " Looks painful." "It is, it is." "It hurts quite a bit, but, you know, that's not the painful part, that's the healing part." "The part below is painful." "You know, speaking of painful, uh..." "We were talking about having some sex earlier, and..." "Just wanted to know what you're, uh, up to right now." "Um, no, Phil, I'm actually gonna hit the hay." "Why would you hit the hay?" "Are you mad at it?" "Boom." " Yeah." "Okay, good night." " Is, uh, Erica around?" "Actually, she's, um, she's gonna turn in, too." "Turn into what?" "I didn't know she was a shape shifter." "Boom." "Ha, ha." " Okay, well, good night now." " Oh, good night." "At the White House?" "What a place to be found." "Yeah..." "All right!" "Okay, do we have everyone?" "Raise your hand if you're not here." "All right, ice broken." "Uh, so the reason I called you all here today is because as your president..." " Wait." "Wait, what?" " Phil's the, uh..." " President of the United States, so..." " It's a long story." "But it's legit, you know?" "Anyway, as your president," "I just wanted you all to know that you can always come to me if you need anything, okay?" "And that-that privilege now extends to you, new guy." "Oh, his name's Phil Miller, Phil." "It should be easy to remember." "The point is, new guy, uh, you know, if you ever need anything, come to me." "Well, Mr. President, what are y'all doing about electricity?" " Uh, generators, obviously." " Next question." "You're in a perfect spot for wind and solar." " We had no idea." " Well, I can take a look at all that stuff." "Geez, get a room, you two." "Am I right?" "I mean, come on." "Okay, I got to go." "Jeans tight enough?" "Sorry." "Well, well, good news is you're on a smart grid, which will help get the electricity up and running." " Phil, you are a godsend." " Thank you." "Oh, I was talking to the other Phil." "That makes sense, since he was the one who just spoke." "That's another thing." "This having two Phil Millers is getting confusing already." " Yeah." " Yes, I agree." "Maybe you should both go by your middle names." "No, no, no, no, no." "I was here first." "I'm the president." "I should get to be Phil." "Phil, what's your middle name?" "Tandy." " Tandy?" " Yeah." "What kind of middle name is Tandy?" " It's my mother's maiden name." " Was your mother Jessica Tandy?" " Yes." " Oh, that's neat." " His mother is not Jessica Tandy." " Oh, you know my lineage?" "Phil, what's your middle name?" "I don't have a middle name." "Oh, that makes it easy." "So this is Phil, and this is Tandy." "No, no, no, no, I am Phil." "Okay, maybe we should find some kind of competition or something." "You know, something we're both equally good at." " Fine by me." " Okay." "How about a game of, uh, hmm, hmm, uh, Jenga?" " Never heard of that." " Yeah, neither have I." "So, Jenga it is." "Boom." "Too easy." "If I do this, you're gonna do that, then do that, where are you, my little sweet?" "Excuse me." "Mmm-hmm." "What in the hell, Phil?" "Let's go." "You should enjoy this, Phil." "This might be the last time somebody calls you Phil." "I hate to disappoint you, but I'm about to set in motion a chain of events that will leave you shamed, tamed and without a name." "Oh!" "Yeah!" "Well, good game, Tandy." "Hey, Carol?" "Where'd this door come from?" "Oh." "Why you all dressed up?" "Oh, this?" "It's just how I do." "How about that door, huh?" "Phil installed it." "Well, it's a little wonky." "Uh, hey, could you rub some salve on my back for me?" "Hmm, sorry." "I can't right now." "Oh." "Where you going?" "Oh, I'm just taking a thank-you gift to Phil for fixing my door." "You made him some raisin balls?" "No, apple pie with homemade crème fraîche." "There's raisin balls in the kitchen, if you want them." "Carol?" "The apple pie, the makeup, the clothes." " You like this guy?" " You jealous?" "Of course not." "You know, we're divorced, and you have the right to do whatever you want." "Oh, I know." "Good, okay, well..." " Good night, Carol." " Good night, Tandy." "What is happening here?" "Ripped By mstoll"