"( theme song playing )" "SCHULTZ:" "Let's go, let's go!" "Put your backs into it!" "This is not a picnic!" "MEN:" "All right, all right." "HOGAN:" "My men volunteered for this detail." "NEWKIRK:" "We didn't have to come out here and help you fill your bloody shell holes." "BAKER:" "This is the thanks we get." "Yeah, never look to a Kraut for gratitude." "I think you owe us an apology, Schultz." "Apology?" "!" "An apology!" "If you didn't want to work, why did you volunteer?" "We wanted to practice with shovels." "In case a bomb hits the guardhouse, we want to give you a decent burial." "Major Heintzen, headquarters, Berlin." "Have these men change this tire immediately." "Jawohl, Major." "You heard the major." "Well?" "What are you waiting for?" "Well, for one thing, you didn't say "please."" "Who are you?" "Colonel Hogan." "He's the ranking officer of the prisoners." "In that case, I suggest you order your men to change my tire." "We're just here to fix the road, sir." "If you are smart, Colonel, you will change the tire." "If you're smart, Major, you'll call the auto club." "Sergeant!" "Jawohl, Major?" "If this tire is not changed in 30 seconds, somebody will be shot!" "I'll change it." "A prisoner will be shot, Dummkopf!" "Jawohl." "Where do you keep your jack?" "Under the back seat, Colonel." "Let's do it." "Hey, great," "I haven't changed a tire in years!" "NEWKIRK:" "Oh, yeah, bloody marvelous." "Yes, good practice, too, in case your hearse has a flat." "You shouldn't even say it as a joke, LeBeau." "Let's go." "Three mobile rocket launchers have been moved into the area." "Any idea where?" "I know the general location of two of them." "The third one has been moved." "You are to find it and report to London." "You're not going to do anything, of course, right?" "I used to do this." "How about a little help?" "I've heard of easier assignments." "There is a spotting shack on top of the hill overlooking Hammelburg." "One of our agents, Frankel, is there to help you." "Can't the agent handle it alone?" "Unfortunately, Frankel does not know how to operate a wireless." "Swell." "I would do it myself, Colonel, but I'm afraid the Gestapo is following me." "SCHULTZ:" "Major, the tire is changed." "Sehr gut, Sergeant, danke schön." "Carter, you didn't get the windshield." "I don't appreciate your sarcasm, Colonel." "It's just part of our service." "Major, look us up when you need a lube job." "(engine starts)" "SCHULTZ:" "Come on, LeBeau!" "Everybody back to work!" "LeBEAU:" "Pushy, Schultz." "What did he say, sir?" "There's a rocket launcher in the area and we've got to find it." "Blimey, that's like trying to find a needle in a haystack." "Yeah." "We got a break." "Here comes the needle now." "I understand, General." "Huh, certainly, General." "Yes, General." "That was General Freiberg of the Gestapo." "He said that Hogan's men changed the flat tire of a Luftwaffe major." "Actually, Herr Kommandant, I was the one." "I found the jack, I jacked up the car," "I unloosened the bolts, I removed the tire, and I put on the spare." "That man was with the underground." "Actually, Herr Kommandant," "LeBeau found the jack, Carter unloosened the bolts..." "Schultz!" "Ah, General Burkhalter, how very nice to see you." "A chair for the general, Schultz." "Klink, I have an important assignment for you and your men." "And it's top secret." "I hear nothing!" "General Burkhalter, I assure you," "I run an airtight camp." "KLINK ( over speaker ):" "Not one word can leak out." "BURKHALTER ( over speaker ):" "I hope so-- this is very important." "Three moving rocket launchers have been moved into this area." "What kind of a secret?" "There is one parked right in the middle of the camp." "It's not staying there, it's where they move it." "That's the secret, Dummkopf!" "No, Klink, it's staying here, that's the secret, Dummkopf." "It's staying here?" "Yes, and tomorrow it will be fired at England to coincide with an all-out blitz by our illustrious Luftwaffe." "KLINK ( over speaker ):" "Marvelous, sir." "And you, Klink, are in charge of its security." "Uh, we are a little short-handed right now." "There's not a man I can spare, sir." "You could spare a man to change a tire for an underground agent." "You heard about that?" "I can explain that, General." "You can release men for guard duty by putting the prisoners to work in the mess hall." "( chuckles )" "They wouldn't like that." "Who cares what they like?" "It's not that simple, General." "I'm sure that Colonel Hogan will have something to say about that rocket launcher." "I've got a lot to say." "Klink, tell this man to leave." "Dismissed, Hogan." "General Burkhalter, according to the Geneva Convention, you cannot bring offensive weapons into a POW camp." "Klink, tell Colonel Hogan I'm not listening." "Hogan, General Burkhalter says he does not wish to discuss it with you." "Tell General Burkhalter I'm reporting him to the Red Cross." "General Burkhalter," "Hogan says that he's reporting you to the Red Cross." "If I'm not discussing this with Colonel Hogan, why are you?" "I don't know." "Then stop talking to him!" "Schultz, tell Colonel Hogan that I do not wish to discuss it with him." "Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink does not wish to discuss it with you." "Tell Colonel Klink he's going to be in as much trouble as General Burkhalter." "Klink, tell Schultz to tell Hogan" "I'm in no trouble." "Schultz, tell Colonel Hogan that General Burkhalter is in no trouble." "Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink says..." "They're both going to be in trouble if they don't get rid of that rocket launcher." "Klink, tell him he can't threaten me!" "Schultz, tell him he can't threaten him." "General Burkhalter..." "This is my last warning." "I don't take warnings from prisoners." "Neither do I!" "You will this time." "( all shouting )" "Please!" "Wait for me." "MAN ( over speaker ):" "Headquarters says it's imperative you assign a man to the lookout shack so he can radio the position of the two rocket launchers to our bombers." "We read you, Mama Bear." "Ask about the rocket launcher parked outside our window." "What about the rocket launcher parked in our camp?" "MAMA BEAR ( over speaker ):" "You chaps will have to take care of that one yourselves." "Will do, Mama Bear." "MAMA BEAR ( over speaker ):" "Good show." "Good show!" "Good bloody show." "Don't they realize this is a suicide mission?" "That area will be loaded with radio detector trucks." "He's right, Colonel." "The first message from that lookout shack and the Krauts will pick it up like that." "Yeah, don't forget," "Klink's in charge of security operations." "That's the only break we got." "I'm afraid that's not enough, Colonel." "There's only one man for this job." "Me." "Why you?" "Because this mission requires a man who's resourceful, courageous and ingenious." "What I said, "why you?"" "Sir, I'll go." "After all, they are aiming those things at home, aren't they?" "No, I'll take the assignment, Colonel." "Here, Newkirk, I want you to have this." "What is it?" "My little black book." "If you're ever in Paris," "I'm sure these girls will show you a good time." "Do me a favor, I volunteered first." "Here, this is for you." "I'm a very hard act to follow, but do the best you can." "Fellows, I'll take the assignment." "But, Colonel, it needs someone who can operate a wireless." "I can handle it." "But, Colonel, you can't go." "You're the most important man we have." "If I went and something happened to me, nobody would even know I was gone." "He's got a point there, sir." "It's too dangerous a mission." "Let's draw lots." "No, no, no." "I'll handle it myself." "You fellows will have to figure a way to get rid of the rocket launcher here." "Right, Colonel." "All right then." "Okay." "Newkirk?" "What?" "Just for fun, let me see who we would have gotten." "Oh, all right." "Hey, this sounds exciting." ""Blonde, 36, 23," hey, marvelous!" "So does yours." "BOTH:" ""Martine Allegre"?" "Papa Bear to Goldilocks, Papa Bear to Goldilocks." "This is Goldilocks." "Go ahead, Papa Bear." "Arrived safely, everything seems to be in order." "Roger, Papa Bear." "We'll be standing by." "Roger, over and out." "( footsteps approaching )" "Colonel Hogan?" "Frankel?" "( sighs )" "Lily Frankel." "Hey, look, not that I've got anything against the smell of cologne, but this isn't exactly a mission for a woman." "Colonel Hogan, I have faced danger before." "Well, when was the last time you were alone with a man who has been a prisoner of war for three years?" "Now, that is what I call danger." "What are you doing?" "We've got to get a good look at that rocket launcher." "Louis, that guard has a machine gun in his hand." "You mean you're afraid of a little thing like getting shot?" "No, but I just took another look at me little black book, and I don't have the right to ruin the lives of 127 well-built English girls." "Come on, let's go." "I don't know how many names you got in your black book, but that guard is going to shoot to kill." "We have a legitimate reason to talk to Schultz." "Here, take this-- let's go." "Halt." "SCHULTZ:" "What are you doing here?" "Since we've been ordered to cook in the mess hall, we want to know what the guards would like for dinner." "Ohh!" "Advance immediately." "( all talking at once )" "LeBEAU:" "How about starting your meal with a cold Vichyssoise?" "SCHULTZ:" "Vichyssoise." "Did you hear it, Schwellbacher?" "LeBeau is going to make us a Vichyssoise." "Isn't that wonderful?" "What is it?" "Potato soup." "You are so gauche." "Oh, I like potato soup." "And then I thought we might have a nice Salade Nicoise." "Nicoise?" "Well, that's with lettuce, tomatoes, olives, some tuna." "You'll love it." "Oh." "Couldn't we have some Sauerbraten?" "No-- no substitutions on the dinner." "It's a shame, you know." "I had me mind set on tripe and Brussels sprouts." "LeBEAU:" "Newkirk." "Now, for dessert we have a choice:" "meringue glacé or pèche Melba." "Meringue glacé or pèche Melba!" "NEWKIRK:" "Whatever happened to the old bread puddings Mum used to make?" "Decisions, decisions..." "BURKHALTER:" "What are these men doing here?" "We are trying to decide what kind of dessert we are going to have." "Dessert?" "I can make a meringue glacé or pèche Melba." "Oh, I vote for pèche Melba." "Klink!" "You prefer meringue glacé?" "I prefer a court-martial." "Get these prisoners away from here, immediately." "GUARD:" "Jawohl!" "Heraus, raus, raus, raus!" "Raus!" "( machine gun fire )" "And keep these prisoners away from here." "That is an order." "SCHULTZ:" "That's an order." "Psst, LeBeau..." "I want meringue glacé." "Thought you had them spotted." "We did." "They keep moving them." "HOGAN:" "Any sign of them yet?" "No." "But I wish they would come." "I would like to get out of here." "I imagine you're anxious to get back to your husband, huh?" "I'm not married." "Anxious to get home to your boyfriend, then." "In this business I find it is better not to make close attachments." "That's why I'm single." "There's no one sitting under the apple tree waiting for me." "Now that we have that out of the way, we can relax." "Care for some wine?" "Thank you." "If we don't spot those rockets, we could be here for days." "We can't be here too long." "We haven't much food." "I'd risk malnutrition for you." "But you do not even know me." "Well, look at it this way." "Anybody that works for the underground and has legs like yours can't be all bad." "This mission has turned out very nice for me as well." "Now, if the Krauts will only cooperate, we can get to know each other better." "I wouldn't mind that a bit." "( tapping )" "Somebody is sending you a message." "I'm sending you a message." "( tapping continues )" "I think I've got your message." "Bombers have taken off." "They want the location of the rocket launchers." "We'd better have another look." "( Hogan tapping out reply )" "HOGAN:" "Any sign yet?" "No." "Yeah, the bombers won't be here for a while yet." "Still no rockets, Colonel." "I alerted them to have an alternate target ready just in case." "That was a very good... idea." "I've got a lot of good ideas." "I am sure you have." "Goldilocks calling Papa Bear." "Who is Papa Bear?" "( over radio ):" "Come in, Papa Bear." "Me." "I thought you were the Big Bad Wolf." "( over radio ):" "Do you read me, Papa Bear?" "This is Papa Bear, go ahead, Goldilocks." "The rocket in camp is heavily guarded-- we can't get near it." "HOGAN:" "There must be a way." "Only if we toss a grenade at it." "That would blow the entire operation." "BAKER:" "Any suggestions?" "HOGAN:" "Give me time to think about it." "We'll stand by." "Oh, and Goldilocks-- would you mind leaving your mike open and playing some André Kostelanetz records?" "( sighs )" "Now, where were we?" "There must be a way." "The first thing we've got to do is stop all these interruptions." "The gyroscope." "What are you talking about?" "The rockets are controlled by gyroscopes." "You want to talk about gyroscopes at a time like this?" "If they could alter the gyroscope, it would throw the rocket off its course." "That's it." "Electromagnet would do it." "If it was close enough." "Next time I hope they send me a dumb blonde." "Papa Bear calling Goldilocks, Papa Bear calling Goldilocks." "This is Goldilocks." "I haven't found any Kostelanetz records." "Would Mantovani do?" "Never mind that now." "My partner has come up with a great idea." "Hold on, be right back." "( tapping )" "( clicking )" "I've picked up the underground transmitter." "Go north!" "( phone rings )" "Yes, who is it?" "Oh, put him on." "It's General Freiberger of the Gestapo." "Yes, Herr Freiberger?" "Yes?" "Yes, sir." "Yes, I shall tell him immediately." "Thank you, General Freiberger." "One of the radio detector units has picked up a wireless sending coded messages." "It must be the underground." "That is exactly what I was going to say." "They must be sending out the location of our rocket launchers." "Exactly what I was going to say, sir." "Order your men to search the area." "If they see anybody suspicious, shoot them." "That is exactly what I was going to say, General." "Klink, stop agreeing with me." "You are undermining my confidence." "Hey, listen, you guys..." "Yeah, Colonel Hogan has a plan to take care of the rocket launchers." "Here's what he wants us to do." "Carter and LeBeau will have to take care of it." "You come with me, Baker." "W-Where are we going?" "A little decoy work, chum." "It's the rocket launcher coming up the road." "HOGAN:" "Good." "Wait, there's two of them." "HOGAN:" "What road is that?" "FRANKEL:" "Flensheim." "Approximately three miles southeast of Hammelburg and heading for the river." "( taps out message )" "( clicking )" "Colonel Hogan, there's a radio detector truck coming from the other direction." "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about that now." "The bombers are on the way." "Halt!" "Back, back, back, back." "I know you're on duty, Schultz, so I thought I'd come out and cook dinner for you." "You are going to cook a dinner just for me, Cockroach?" "That's what he's going to cook you for dinner." "I couldn't find a chicken, so I'm going to broil you both a nice steak with a little sauce béarnaise." "Oh." "I have this always with me." "You never know when you run into a free meal." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Connecting the stove." "Here, Schultz." "Here's the salt, here's the pepper." "Here are some herbs." "And there's the sauce béarnaise." "Now, Schultz, how do you want your steak?" "Uh, well done, danke." "Figures." "Schwellbacher, come over here." "I show you-- here, you see?" "This is what they call sauce béarnaise." "SCHULTZ:" "Ah, this is wonderful." "( loud clang )" "( begins tapping Morse code )" "FRANKEL:" "The radio truck has stopped." "It's backing up." "HOGAN:" "Yeah, I wonder why." "Yeah, they seem to be heading into the woods." "( tapping )" "The wireless is in this area." "Stop!" "( tapping continues loudly )" "GUARD:" "Over there." "( shooting )" "( planes droning, bombs whistling )" "Look at that, Colonel." "Isn't that a beautiful sight?" "HOGAN:" "A direct hit." "Oh, nice shooting." "Oh, you did a wonderful job." "Your directions were perfect." "Well, I couldn't have done it without you." "It's nice, is it not, when the mission is accomplished?" "Well, we really haven't accomplished everything." "What else is there?" "Colonel Hogan?" "Are we glad to see you!" "Our timing was perfect, sir." "Let me be the judge of that." "SCHULTZ:" "All right, everybody, back to the barracks-- back, back, back, back-- mach schnell." "Schnell!" "HOGAN:" "Uh, Colonel?" "I'd like to register another protest..." "I'm not interested in your protest, Hogan." "Neither am I." "Yesterday two of our rockets pointed at England were bombed by your barbarian air force." "They're liable to bomb this camp if you don't move that rocket." "I am not afraid." "That's because you live off the base." "I personally am going to pull the switch to send this rocket to England." "General Burkhalter." "KLINK:" "Would you allow me the honor?" "BURKHALTER:" "Of course, Klink." "KLINK:" "Thank you." "( rocket fires )" "Klink-- England is that way." "General Burkhalter, I can't understand what happened." "What's that way?" "My house, for one thing." "Frankly, General, I thought it was a lousy neighborhood, anyway."