"Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell." "In the news this week..." "On the BBC, there are accusations of sexism as a male presenter tells his female co-presenters to get his breakfast." "Bagel with scrambled eggs, half a bagel with peanut butter, a smoothie of milk, bananas and berries and a whole cantaloupe." "In a house in Oxfordshire, a knock on the door announces Michael Heseltine has arrived for tea." "And in Surrey, before they even arrive at the scene, firefighters realise the blaze they've been called to is at the Ann Summers warehouse." "On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who believes that some people show contempt for politicians because of unhelpful portrayals in the media." "Please welcome the shifty, time-serving, waste of taxpayers' money Tim Loughton MP." " APPLAUSE" " Thanks a bunch(!" ")" "Great start!" "And with Paul tonight is a comedian who crowdsourced his recent novel by having dinner at fans' houses for £500, which seems like a good deal, but he can drink £700-worth of wine." "Please welcome Andy Hamilton." "APPLAUSE" "We start with the bigger stories of the week." "Ian and Tim, take a look at this." "Oh." "Justice...being done." "New shoot-to-kill policy on blondes on zip wires." "And that's an army of Remainers." ""Double, double, Brexit trouble."" "Yes, well, it's a bit of a good day for you, isn't it?" "It's a very bad day for us." "I thought this is what you wanted." "British courts deciding British decisions." "APPLAUSE" "We...we don't need these experts telling MPs what to do, for goodness' sake." " We've got the electorate for that." " I've got some advice for you." " Oh, dear." " If you don't like the result," "I'd appeal to the European Court of Justice." "17.4 million people, more than have ever voted for anything in this country, ever, voted to free us from the European tyranny, and it's going to happen." "Get real, get with it." "SCATTERED APPLAUSE" "You had a result decided by the judges and..." "Just what bit of it don't you get?" "I mean, you can't just have another decision in court, just because you want one." "Accept the decision." "APPLAUSE" " OK..." " I mean, just moaning on about how you don't like it." "Suck it up!" " When we have a referendum, which isn't very often..." " No." "..that means that we think the people should have the final decision." " Yeah." " And we gave it to them." "They made the final decision." "So, let's get on with it." "So, you have no problem with this decision." "Is this is a topical satire show?" "Are we having a political discussion?" "We're waiting for the show to start." "They can use this bit as landfill." "What is it, exactly, that the High Court has ruled?" "The government doesn't have the power on its own to trigger Article 50 and has to refer it to Parliament." "I actually launched a legal challenge to try and stop the subject coming up on this show, but unfortunately..." "I think if we were going to kick off with it, we should have warned the National Grid, because there's going to be a massive upsurge in electricity demand as people go to put the kettle on." "Or to switch on their electric chairs." "What do we know about the judges who made the High Court ruling?" " Uh..." " They are...they are elderly men." "Well, no." "No." "They're not elderly men." "They dress up in tights when they're not at work." " You may regret saying that." " Right..." "The Daily Mail looked into these judges and revealed..." "Does it mean we're staying in the EU?" "I think it means..." "I was watching Nigel Farage - not through a pair of binoculars, in his house - he was on the television." "And he was sort of ranting and raving about betrayal." "But I think there's...part of him always wants to be betrayed." "It's like a sort of SM thing." "What is Nigel Farage going to do about it?" "Go down to the pub?" "Have a few more fags?" "No - not go down the pub." "Nigel Farage has said..." "That is sad." "When is this poor man going to get his life back?" "I mean, all he wants is to slide away, quietly, into the autumn of his life, and people keep dragging him into the spotlight." "Just leave the man alone." "Which treacherous, lefty, out-of-touch luvvie...?" " Yeah..." "Prince Philip." " ..has been insulting the will...?" "It's not?" "He's a hot-headed young radical." "David Attenborough, of course." " Oh, yes!" "Yes." " He said that people shouldn't have been allowed a referendum, didn't he?" " What?" "!" " Yes." " Indeed." " David Attenborough said..." "..or someone like Keith Vaz." "He's just been elected back onto an influential Select Committee - the Justice Committee." "And who would be more worthy of a place on the Justice Committee than a man who is under investigation for trying to buy drugs for rent boys behind his wife's back?" "You took over from him" " when he was thrown off the last committee." " I did." "I took over as the interim chairman of the Home Affairs Select Committee, when he had his little local difficulty with the washing machine salesman...routine." "INDUSTRIAL washing machine salesman." "Not any old washing machine salesman." "INDUSTRIAL washing machine salesman." " He had to boast, even in character." " He did." "He did." "He was Jim, the big washing machine guy." "Absolutely." "With the really big load." "LAUGHTER AND GROANING" "How on earth is he now on another committee?" "Don't ask me, I didn't vote for him." "Yeah, but the Tories backed him." "Why?" "Because the Labour Party nominated him, and it is up to them to nominate a Labour MP to go on the committee, and it was up to us to say, "Oh, all right, then," apparently." "And I didn't, because it wasn't." "So, it's pretty disgraceful of both of them." "Yeah." "He shouldn't be on the committee." "Right, well, that's that sorted." "Tim, have you ever sort of backed the wrong horse, or...?" "I make a career of backing the wrong horse, yeah." "Which particular horse are you referring to?" "I was wondering if you're delighted to see Theresa May, you know, Prime Minister?" "She's fantastic." "Love Theresa May." "Fantastic woman making a great Prime Minister." "IAN LAUGHS What I don't understand is how..." "What are you laughing about?" "It's true." "Fantastic." "It's the best joke I've heard yet." "APPLAUSE" "17 points ahead in the opinion polls." "Yeah, pretty good, but if only we had" "Prime Minister Andrea Leadsom, who you backed..." "Yeah...she would be..." " The country would be completely different now." " Even better." " Do you think so?" " But we've got Mother Teresa and she's fantastic." "This is despite..." "I thought that was the whole point, that she wasn't a mother." "AUDIENCE:" "Ooh!" " Brought up by your candidate." " Controversial." "How she came to be Prime Minister when your wonderful campaign chant for Andrea Leadsom..." "Let's have a look at the clip from BuzzFeed." " What do we want?" "!" " ALL:" " Leadsom for leader!" " When do we want it?" "!" " Now!" "HE CHEERS" "AUDIENCE APPLAUDS" "That's the way you have a demonstration." "No police, no Molotov cocktails, no need for water cannons..." "Not many people." "It was a great march on Parliament." "Everyone had a very nice afternoon out." "It looked a bit like Glyndebourne." ""What do we want?" "The opera to start!"" ""When do we want it?" "17th century!"" "Are you allowed to march on Parliament?" "No, apparently I committed an offence by having an unlicensed march." "Basically, that's a revolution." "So we voted to leave the EU, but which pesky foreigners are sticking their nose into our business this week?" "Oh, Fifa." "Cos this is a bit strange, isn't it?" "Cos we played Spain in 2011, we wore poppies on the shirts then." "And it's the same thing." "Fifa are in a bit of a mess about all this, cos they're saying the poppy is political." "But the match is actually on Remembrance Day..." " England v Scotland." " If ever there was a, you know," " a suitable occasion to wear a poppy it's this match." " Yeah." " Absolutely." "And I think Fifa wanted them to wear brown envelopes as a sort of symbol of..." "It's complicated these days, isn't it?" "We're a few minutes into the show - there will already be many thousands of furious messages on the internet that we are not wearing poppies." "I think cos we feel, leave it till closer to Remembrance Day." " Yeah." " But it's becoming a bit like Christmas, if you haven't got the poppy on in August, people are furious." "Newsreaders are competing." "I mean, it starts in sort of late July." "And some of them wear poppies the size of triffids." " Yeah, but they care more than other people." " Oh, yeah, exactly." "I feel like I want to reassure people that next week, I imagine, on Have I Got News For You" " people will be wearing poppies." " No, we will wear one." "This is the High Court ruling over whether Parliament should be allowed to vote on triggering Article 50." "The Mail Online was quick to respond..." "While the Telegraph Online was first with even hotter breaking news..." "According to the Telegraph, Nigel Farage has been wooed by producers of I'm A Celebrity and offered £750,000." "When first offered the chance to appear on I'm A Celebrity," "Nigel Farage said..." "But he's reconsidering now they've explained it's in Australia, not Calais." " Paul and Andy, take a look at this." " FBI." "Clinton, there's more stuff coming through." " That's somebody sticking pins in her." " Needles in her eyes." "That's very amusing." "Trump keeps saying that there is a conspiracy to ensure that he can't win, and I do hope he's right." "Seriously, it would be quite irresponsible in the circumstances if they weren't trying to rig the election against him, because the man is mentally ill." "They've seen him coming for some time," "I reckon they've probably built a sort of secondary White House which looks like the real one but isn't." "And TV videos that show walls being built which aren't being built." "It's a reality TV show, he will never know the difference." "But it's a very rare American election where you think that, whoever wins, one of them will put the other one in jail." "That's if he stops there." "He might burn her as a witch." "They've got a fact-checking service, independent fact-checking service in America that checks, you know, what percentage of statements are true and they said that" "Clinton... 24% of what she says could be called true." "Which is sort of probably bog-standard for a politician..." "That's not bad." "But Trump is...4%." "Seriously, 4% of what he says..." "Now, if you factor out all the mundane statements like..." " "I'm Donald Trump."" " Yeah, "I'm Donald Trump."" ""This is my wife Melania."" ""It's a lovely day here in Chicago."" "If you factor those out, it's probably closer to, well, nought percent." "But he is up against the worst opponent in any American election in history." "This latest cache of e-mails is about a catastrophic lack of judgment by Hillary." "She refused to sack her leading aide when she was married to" " a bloke called Weiner..." " Mm." "..who showed his wiener to young girls by sending them texts." "If Trump is up there with being sleazy and unpleasant, immediately there is another sleazy and unpleasant story on the other side." "If they got Bernie Sanders in, or Colonel Sanders, anybody... ..they would have won by now." "How did Hillary Clinton explain putting her e-mails on this private server?" "She said it was because she was scared they would be leaked to the other side." "She couldn't be bothered to carry around an extra smartphone," " she said." " Oh, well, that's a better excuse." "Where do you carry your extra smartphone, Andy?" "I don't have a smartphone, Victoria." "I don't have a phone." "What do you mean?" "I don't carry a mobile." "Don't look at me..." "Where do you keep yours, Paul?" "I have a telephone box at the end of my road... which I carry around." "No, I don't have a mobile or do e-mail." " Are you ghosts?" " Yes." "I think I might be a ghost because I had an experience at Gatwick Airport a few years back." "They had done some building work and they had this system whereby" " you had to be photographed on your way in..." " Oh, my God." "..and the computer wouldn't take a photo of me." "So the security guy said, "I think it might be your hat." ""Take your hat off."" "I took my hat off and then he said, "Take your scarf off."" "I took my scarf off, still no photo from the computer." "Then he said, "Maybe it's your jacket." I took off my jacket." " Then I said, "Have we got a problem here?" - "Yeah, kiss me."" "You really fall for the easiest things, don't you?" "Do you know what his explanation was?" "He said to me, "I think the problem might be that the computer" ""doesn't recognise your face..." ""as a face."" "So maybe I am a ghost." "Maybe you're right." "What was the immediate impact of the reopening of this FBI inquiry" " into the e-mails?" " The polls narrowed." " Yeah." "What's Donald Trump's view of polls?" "They are completely unreliable unless he's in front." "He has traditionally said..." "And he has gone neck and neck in the polls and he said..." "Hopefully, humanity will dodge a bullet on Tuesday." "But if Trump does get elected..." "Hopefully Trump won't dodge the bullet!" "APPLAUSE" " Look at them." " They're applauding the assassination..." " You're sick people." " That's where we have been taken to." "Sick people!" "That's why you don't give people the vote in referendums." " They are happy to endorse murder." " Let's go for it." "If we all do it, they can't blame one of us." "I'm slightly worried in the name of balance that we're making it look like there's only two candidates in the American election." "There are others, there's libertarian Gary Johnson, of course." "Did you see how well he dealt with a tough question this week?" "As a fiscal conservative, how do you explain that when you were elected governor of New Mexico, you inherited a debt of 1.8 billion but left office with a debt of 4.6 billion?" "Erm, that is absolutely horseshit." "You can buy a lot of horseshit for 3bn, can't you?" " He has also used a noun as an adjective, hasn't he?" " I know." "It can't be "absolutely horseshit"." "It's either absolute horseshit or it's absolutely horse-shitty." "Shall we see how a Trump spokesperson dealt with the negative polls before the reversal of fortunes?" "ALL:" "Yes!" "You say it's not a shake-up." "But you guys are down." " And it makes..." " Says who?" " Says who?" " Polls." "Most of them, all of them?" "Says who?" "Polls." "I just told you, I answered your question." " OK." "Which polls?" " All of them." "OK." "Are they actually in the same studio but just separated by a piece of glass?" " It does seem a long delay, doesn't it?" " Yeah." " It does." "Quite a patronising caption for her." "Developing now?" "I think she's quite good, really." "Finally, in related news, what did someone with access to the internet and too much time on their hands create this week?" "Somebody accessing the internet with too much time on their hands?" "Who could that be?" " They made something beautiful." "Shall we have a look?" " Yes." "Stop it, stop it!" "We have to stop looking at it." " I think the Daily Mail have got their new lovechild scandal." " Yeah." " IAN:" " God, that is terribly frightening." "It is frightening." "Let's stop looking at it." " People will have nightmares." " Yeah." " Yeah." "This is the news that the American people could be about to elect the worst president in US history, or a worse one." "In a speech this week, President Obama predicted the outcome of a Trump victory." "Blimey, the man's insatiable!" "Despite Trump's claims, not all of the media is against him." "One paper has already endorsed him on its front page with the headline..." "That's from The Crusader, the in-house newspaper of the Ku Klux Klan." "Before you jump to conclusions, it's not all racial hatred." "It's got regular lifestyle items with tips on sewing and basic woodwork." "APPLAUSE" "And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "BUZZER" "Yes, the Russians are spying on us via the internet, and everything is connected to the internet these days - refrigerators, kettles, everything like that, so they can sort of..." "They can basically take over all our lives without us knowing." "Well, that's it." "I mean, this is the idea that the act of Russian warfare that comes next will be invading our homes via our kettles." "Yes, the hackers use your kettle's default password to take control of it and..." "Hang on, your kettle has a default password?" " I mean, your kettle probably doesn't." " My kettle doesn't, no." " No, but if you have a smart kettle..." " A smart kettle?" " Ah." "Yes, you can boil water from another room." "Can you boil a kettle in somebody else's house" " without their permission?" " Yes!" "Well..." "That's how Putin could launch an invasion - all our kettles could spontaneously start boiling." "Everybody rushes to make a cup of tea and he's coming across" " the Straits of Dover." " Straight in." " But you're joking, but..." " I mean, this is happening." " No, it's not really happening, Ian." "Isn't it?" "Any minute now." "The kettles thing, that was just..." "I made that up." " No, you see, you didn't make it up." " I did make it up." "They can take over the kettle via the password and..." "Yeah, this did happen last week." "There was a crash when all sorts of bits of the internet were unavailable and fell apart after they were hacked into." "It made a huge difference to my life." "I couldn't get on Twitter," "Instagram, I was taking pictures of my lunch..." "You had to get an Uber car instead of your regular hansom cab." " Not just kettles." "I mean, what else?" "What other...?" " Fridges." " Toasters." " Yes." " Toasters are the worst." " Electric can-openers." " Toasters..." " Webcams, baby monitors, printers, routers..." "You must have some of these things." "I have a baby monitor, yes, but that kind of was a foolish purchase, really, because I don't have any children." "Aren't we protected by the fact that we've got very slow broadband?" " Yeah." " Why should we not be worried about Russia's aggressive posturing, according to Professor Mark Almond?" "Erm, they're..." " Has somebody hacked into you?" " Yeah!" "APPLAUSE" " ROBOTIC VOICE:" " "Mr Putin has a reasonable regard for..."" "What was the sinister domestic development in the world of cyber-spying this week?" "Your fridge could be communicating to the Russian Embassy" " exactly how long the fish fingers have been in there." " Yeah." " No..." " No?" "..but your fridge could be communicating with your insurance company, to see what kind of risk you are." "Apparently, they could look into your smart fridge, or indeed your smart toilet, to see how healthy you are." " I'm sorry..." " Urgh!" "How can they possibly look into your toilet?" "Presumably a smart toilet checks on your regularity" " and so could give that to the insurance." " Precisely." "And the smart fridge would say, you know," ""That stuff's well past its sell-by but he's eating it anyway."" "So the fridge is talking to the loo " ""Yeah, four ounces of food about 20 minutes ago." ""Let's see what happens later."" " Yes..." " What do you mean, "yes"?" "!" "Yes doesn't come into this!" "This is the one conversation where yes has no role." " I suppose the fridge could warn the toilet, couldn't it?" " Yeah." " It could say..." " "He's had the vegetable spring rolls." ""Tell the window to lift itself up."" "I welcome a Trump presidency after all this!" "Anything to rid us of these robot toilets." "This is the warning that Britain is under increased threat of cyberattacks from Russia." "Before you get too worried, experts have assured the public that Russian cyberattacks will only be able to target one or two vulnerable TVs in the country, so you needn't worry unless you suddenly experience interference with your picture." "MUSIC:" "RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM" "Thanks to the internet of things, hackers can now target any household object which could be controlled online, including..." "It's impossible to know which kettles have been compromised as these days there are hardly any whistle-blowers." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "I hope that whole story wasn't made up just for that joke!" "I've got strong suspicions it might have been." "OK, here's another one." "Fingers on buzzers." "BELL RINGS" "So this is the Ukip leadership contest for the..." "Well, the temporary leadership contest until Farage un-resigns again." "So it's a..." "That's absolutely right, and who's the latest casualty?" "Is it um...?" "Oh..." "Raheem..." "Raheem Kassam." "But what is his full name?" " Oh." " Ah, now, I read this..." "He lost a bet." " So he had to change his middle name to something like..." " Popeye." " ..#Iamatosser or something..." " Oh." " Really?" " Something like that." "Yeah, he had to change his name by deed poll to..." "Might be a typo." "Didn't Raheem support legislation of guns?" "He wanted Trump-style gun law here." " I'm asking you." " I think he's..." " I don't know!" "I don't know how a tin opener works." "And you're having a go at me and Paul about not having phones?" "Like we're sort of technophobes?" "You gave up at tin opener." "What are the candidates united in wanting for their former leader?" " Nigel Farage." " Nothing very good." "No, it is something good." "They all want something for him." " Oh, a knight..." "Oh, a peerage." " Pope?" " House of Lords." " Yeah, they want to put him in the House of Lords." "They want him to be Lord Farage." "But they're not allowed to nominate peers - they've only got four million votes," " they're not allowed to." " Quite right." " Is that quite right?" " Yeah." " But I thought you were big on democracy?" "The House of Lords?" "Democracy?" "What are you talking...?" "They got four million votes, why can't they nominate peers?" "To go into the House of Lords where they're all not elected?" "No..." "But some parties are allowed to nominate peers," " so why not them?" " Yeah, well, we're ordinary, we're normal." "They're Ukip." "He did get an award this week, Nigel Farage, do you know what he got?" "Smoker of the Year?" "No, it was The Spectator magazine's Lifetime Achievement Award." "And he was given this award by George Osborne and he said..." "This is Ukip's leadership contest." "According to the Mail, one of the candidates," "John Rees-Evans, has claimed..." "When will these donkeys learn that neigh means neigh?" "Fingers on buzzers." "What the bloody hell's that about?" "BUZZER" "The only calendar story I can recall is about the Dull Men Club, or something." "They've brought out a calendar." "They said there's not enough dull women around," " so this is their attempt to be all-embracing." " Yes." " Yeah." "This is the news that the Dull Men's Club calendar is going to feature women for the first time." "Including the curator of the Pencil Museum." "A particular favourite of yours?" "Well, there's not much point to it, really, but, yes, it's..." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "Tough crowd!" "Also featured in the calendar is Amanda Hone, who quit her job and spent a year travelling round the country following signs." " What kind of signs?" " "You're going the wrong way"?" "Amanda is a big fan of..." " Ah." " Here she is..." " Brown signs!" "Oh, right, that's a brown sign." "Yeah, OK." "That's fair enough." "I know that sign." "I've been to both of those places." "There's this thing called the Dull Men's Club, Ian, if you want to..." "APPLAUSE" " He's the life president." " Oh, right!" "What does Amanda's husband think of her brown signs?" "Er, he's..." " Has she got a husband?" " Yes, and even more than that." "According to Amanda..." "Got two husbands." "According to Amanda..." "It's been a big week for women." "Shall we have a look at the momentous announcement" " of the Church of Wales's first female bishop?" " Yes." "Quite a turnout." "It gives me enormous pleasure to announce that the bishop elect of St David's is Canon Joanna Penberthy, who is the rector of Glan Ithon in the diocese of Swansea and Brecon." "That's a parish that's centred on Llandrindod Wells." "APPLAUSE" "Why are they so far away?" "I think the bishop's got a bit of a reputation." "They've realised those concrete posts aren't enough, so they've put a traffic cone as well to deter him." "Is there a picture of her?" "I don't think she was even there." "It's the wrong time of the month, probably..." "ALL GROAN" "Oh, you know that list they give you, where they go," ""Don't talk about time of the month" ""and don't put on a Nazi costume for fun"?" " Very, very sorry." " No, that's fine, do you know what?" "I know that you are just in the spirit of making jokes and that's the right attitude, although not that joke!" "Finally, what possibly boring radio station has been launched this week?" "Radio Puffin?" "Radio Pirate?" "Close." "Sausage FM." " Shall we have a listen?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "It's hosted by JB, a former member of boyband JLS." "Here we go..." "There's loads to come here on Sausage FM." "But let's kick things off with our first sausage sizzler." "A classic - it's the Cumberland sausage." "SIZZLING" " WOMAN:" " Sausage!" "This is Sausage FM." "SIZZLING CONTINUES" "It's still going." "They're going to have Mr Weiner on as a guest." "Is that really a radio station just devoted to sausages?" " Yes." " OK." "You're very disbelieving over there this week." " No, I just..." " I'm worried that my frying pan might be tuned into that radio station." "This is the news that women are to be featured for the first time on the calendar of the Dull Men's Club." "Three of the Dull Women include..." "Might sound dull to you, but what a team they'd make on Only Connect." " Fingers on buzzers, teams." " Yes." "BUZZER" " Oh." " Oh-ho." "Michael Heseltine." "Now, for many years" "I remember there was this rumour used to go around" " that you didn't mess with Heseltine..." " No." " ..cos he once strangled a dog..." " Yeah." " ..with his bare hands." " Yeah, it was broken by the Tatler." " Which is a big scoop." " Unusual." " Yes." "He said while he did choke the dog and the dog went limp," "Kim, that was the Alsatian's name, didn't die but actually..." "Before being taken for a lovely trip to the vet's for a check-up..." "Oh, no, sorry..." "How else did he demonstrate his relationship with dogs, during the interview?" "He's loved dogs all his life." "Absolutely." "He's surrounded by them." "They love him, he loves them..." "Er...they love him." "It didn't seem like it during the interview..." "Leading his wife, Anne, to scream..." "During the interview, Heseltine also..." "There's a theme." "Is he on a one-man campaign or something?" "Have you ever tried to subdue an Alsatian?" "Yeah." "God, it takes ages." "This is Lord Heseltine, who has denied malicious rumours that he once killed a dog." "The story was broken in the Tatler which reported that Heseltine shared his house with..." "Didn't mention the dogs' names but I'm guessing, Scaredy, Trembly and Weepy." "Time now for the Odd One Out round." "Just, oh, I shouldn't..." "Oh, yeah..." "What, did you think it was wrong to have your glasses on there?" "Yeah, I get confused about when they're on and when they're..." "I'm the same." "Have I got them on now?" "Don't take this the wrong way, Andy, but I wouldn't know where you'd put them on that..." "Time now for the Odd One Out round." "Ian and Tim, your four are Michael Gove," "Miss Prism," "Victoria Beckham and David Cameron." "Miss Prism, The Importance Of Being Earnest." "Worthing - lost a child in a handbag at Victoria Station." "David Cameron unfortunately forgot his daughter Nancy was at the pub." "And Michael Gove tried to emulate his former friend David Cameron and went dad dancing with Rachel Johnson and left the 11-year-old wandering around the hotel, apparently." "You're definitely in the right world with lost children." "They've all lost a child except Miss Prism, who lost the manuscript to her novel." "I'm just telling the story like it is." " TIM:" " And Victoria Beckham, has she gained a child or something?" "Has she adopted a few?" "You are certainly in the right direction." "Michael Gove's usually the odd one out, isn't he?" "Michael Gove DELIBERATELY left his child in the hotel room." "All the others have mislaid children." "Oh, right." "Victoria Beckham forgot her son Brooklyn." "She said..." "Michael Gove and Sarah Vine, his wife, took the deliberate decision to leave their child in a hotel room while they went to a party." "Be careful, some bitchy columnist could have a field day with that." "And the hotel staff were aware of the situation, but what caused them concern later on?" "Was he wandering around the corridor?" "He was wandering the corridors at 1.30 in the morning, an 11-year-old!" "Perhaps a minibar rang the police." " ANDY:" " He was distressed, apparently." "He said, "I think I might be the son of Michael Gove."" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "You mentioned earlier Rachel Johnson, the writer, Boris's sister." "She was also at the Cheltenham Literary Festival, that the party was for." "She made an excuse for the Goves." "What was her excuse?" "They were both completely drunk." "No." "If they left the dogs unattended," "Michael Heseltine might creep in and strangle them." "David Cameron left his daughter behind after a pub lunch." "On another occasion, Cameron couldn't find his children during a football match at West Ham, only to discover they were safe and well at Aston Villa instead." "APPLAUSE" " Paul and Andy, here are yours." " Yes." "Frankenstein's Monster." "American lifestyle guru Martha Stewart." "Park ranger Roy Sullivan." "And Irish weather presenter Caitlin Nic Aoidh." "Well, I do, just from my knowledge of trivia..." "Roy Sullivan, the bottom left, showing his hat there, he was the man who was struck by lightning, I think, seven times over the course of many years." "And that's him sort of showing the damage on one occasion." "Obviously, the Frankenstein's Monster is brought to life in the films by the lightning striking." "So that's a connection." "So, it's either Martha Stewart or..." "Who's the weather woman?" "Caitlin Nic Aoidh, Irish weather reporter." "Didn't she..." "She wasn't really struck by lightning, it was a stunt for Halloween?" "That's why she's the odd one out." " That is absolutely..." " All the rest were struck." " ..correct." " ANDY:" " They did a jokey weather forecast." " Oh, very good, you've identified the odd one out." "That's absolutely right." "All the others were struck by lightning" " and she only pretended." "Shall we have a look at her prank?" " Yes!" "SHE SPEAKS IRISH GAELIC" "SHE SHRIEKS" "LAUGHTER" "I'd have found that quite scary if I was watching." "Yeah, it was actually quite scary." "If you weren't expecting that" " that would be very scary." " Why did they do it?" "Bored?" "A TG4 spokesman said..." "What's diversity doing in that?" "What's diverse about striking a woman with lightning?" "It was a Halloween prank, that's absolutely right." "Martha Stewart claims she was struck by lightning three times and that she is a "bizarre conductor of electricity"." "What is she up to at the moment, Martha Stewart?" "She's got a lifestyle show, got a lifestyle show?" "She's launching her own cooking show called Potluck Dinner Party With...?" " Martha Stewart?" " And...?" " Donald Trump?" " Snoop Dogg." " Oh." " Snoop Dogg?" "!" " Yes, bon appetizzle." "She is doing... a cookery show with him." "Amazing lightning strike knowledge, by the way, on Roy Sullivan." " Yeah, Roy Sullivan, seven times." " It is seven times." "What injuries has he sustained?" "Well, the top of his hat went." "He sort of..." "His hair got singed, he hurt his leg..." "He was burnt on his..." "And what did he start to do, after he was struck for the fourth time?" "He stopped walking around in a bowl of water." " No, he carried a bowl of water around with him." " Did he?" "To try and reduce the problem of the burns, if it happened again." "And he was struck for the last time while he was fishing." "What was particularly unlucky on that occasion?" "There was no lightning around." "It came from underneath the ocean." "From Neptune." "No, it was..." " The lightning hit the top of his head." " Yes." " He had just caught a trout." " Yes." " And in that moment a bear appeared and tried to steal the trout." "And Sullivan, who was 65 and severely burned, managed to hit the bear with a tree branch and he said this was the..." "He's certainly very good at keeping count, wasn't he?" "Yes, they've all been struck by lightning, apart from Irish weather reporter Caitlin Nic Aoidh, who just pretended she was struck by lightning, this week, for a Halloween prank." "The novel Frankenstein resulted from a competition between Percy Shelley and his wife to see who could come up with the best ghost story." "Mary Shelley won with Frankenstein, while Percy Shelley came second with Scooby-Doo And The Haunted Trousers." " I've got a good idea for a ghost story." " OK." " What's that?" "It's about a man whose face isn't really a face." "Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication" "Concertina World, the best concertina magazine there is." "ACCORDION to those in the know." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "Glad you SQUEEZED that in!" "Thank you very much." "And we start with..." "Decided against having any pudding." "Thought about putting his concertina in the freezer." "Maximus was having climate problems with his concertina in the tropical rainforest and was told by another forum user..." "Then again, it's hard to find any environment that isn't hostile to the concertina." "Next..." "Oh, got to be Ukip election contest?" "Concertina concert." "It's not a concertina one." "Yes, Gyles Brandreth was tweeting about a train journey." "And all these exciting things happened on the way." "Gyles Brandreth was described in the Mirror as..." "If only it had been just the one show." "Next..." "Head-butts wasp." "Licks an ocelot." "That's close, isn't it?" " It is close." " It must be." "Man trying to impress girls at zoo gets in tussle with panda." "The man who fought a panda was left with two black eyes, which only made him more attractive to the panda." "Finally, pudgy older fathers...what?" "I read this, they're incredibly attractive to women." "Yes, very attractive to women." "Very attractive to women." "VERY attractive to women!" "It's true." "I certainly recognise it as a face." " That's a compliment, isn't it?" " Yeah." "That's probably the nicest thing a woman's ever said to me." "Pudgy older fathers live longer and are more attractive." "The final scores are Ian and Tim with six points," "Paul and Andy with seven." "APPLAUSE" "Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition." "New panel show" " Countdown." "APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER" "And I leave you with news that after weeks of scandal and rumour, the press finds a British cyclist who's definitely not on performance-enhancing drugs." "At another disastrous fractured company awayday, one boss tries to lighten the mood with his favourite walking-down-the-stairs trick." "And in Los Angeles, Simon Cowell's dermatologist reveals ten years' worth of removed skin." "GROANING" "Goodnight."