"Previously on Two and a Half Men." "Zoey, will you do me the honor of becoming Zoey Hyde-Tottingham-Pierce-Schmidt?" "No, I'm sorry, I can't do it." " I need an answer." " There's someone else." "I like that red dress on you." "I feel like a bull." "I wanna charge." "Speaking of charging, did you bring your wallet this time?" "The last two times were honest mistakes." "And I fully intend to pay you back." "Oh, that's just great, Justin." "If your mom says it's bath-time, by all means, take a bath." "Meanwhile, the free world is falling into the hands of cyber-terrorists." " You okay?" " Yeah." "My sniper's gotta get ready for sixth grade picture day tomorrow." " You guys look nice." " Thanks." "We're going out to dinner." " Wanna join us?" " No, I got a burrito in the microwave." "Okay, enjoy." "Oh, you did take the foil off of the..." "I'll get my coat." " Isn't that your wallet?" " Oh, uh..." "Yes." "That's, uh, uh..." "I put it there, so I wouldn't forget it." "I'm really glad we did this." "I've been playing with kids I met on the Internet for too long." "Now that I say that out loud, I'm really glad we did this." "Hmm." "I'll get this." "I'll get it." "Oh, okay..." " ..." "I guess I'm really gonna get this." " Thanks, Alan." "Oh, it's my pleasure." "Ahem." " Are you crying?" " What?" "No, no." "I have allergies." "It's probably the dust from opening his wallet." " Damn it." " What?" "It's Zoey and her new boyfriend." " I am so sorry." " This is tough." "After what she did to you." "Come on." "Let's just get this over with." "He didn't deserve it." "He gave her everything." "And he actually has things to give." "Hi, Zoey." "Walden, hi." " Lyndsey." " Hi." " Alan." " Pssh." "Um" " This is my friend Peter." "Peter." " Nice to meet you." " Cheers, mate." ""Cheers, mate." "We hosted the Olympics."" "This is a bit awkward." "Why is this awkward?" "Yes, that's right, I remember." "Because you ruined my best friend's life." "I'm sorry, nice to meet you." "What you did was wanton and reprehensible." "Keep moving." " Jezebel." "If it makes you feel any better, he didn't like you before." " How you doing?" "You okay?" " Oh, yeah, I'm fine." " I mean, my heart's racing and" " I was talking to Walden." "Yeah, I guess." "I thought seeing her with somebody else would be the end of the world, but I'm really okay with it." " You're a better man than I am." " We all know that, Alan." "I'm saying it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." "I mean, clearly, Alan has some unresolved issues." "But I think I'm ready to move on." " I can definitely help you there." " Where are you going with this, sweetie?" "I have a ton of friends who would die to go out with you." " Really?" " Oh, yeah" "That's true." "She has some of the hottest friends you can imagine." "Ahem." "That you can imagine, not that I would." "I mean, why would I?" "You're the hottest of them all, you know?" "Tsst." "So, what's your type?" "I don't know if I have a type." "I like brunettes." "But I married a redhead." "And I've dated some blondes." "So I guess what I'm saying is I'm pro-hair." "In the upper deck, not necessarily around the dugout." "Ah." "Interesting." "If you're gonna go with a baseball reference I would've gone with "on the mound."" "They all have hair in the appropriate places." "What else?" "I don't know, I like a girl who's smart." "I like a girl who's funny." "I like a girl who's not gonna leave me for another guy." "Oh, oh." "No one who wears those big furry boots with shorts or mini-skirts." "You're either hot or you're cold." "Take a stand, ladies." "I'll take care of it." "So, Walden, as I told you, Jennifer's my Pilates instructor." "Yeah, Pilates." "You're certainly whipping Lyndsey into shape." "Not that you need it." "Not that I was looking." "Not that you're listening." " Oh." "Can I take a picture of you?" " Okay." "Uploading photo to wall." ""Check out my hot date. " Smiley face." "LOL, right?" "So, Pilates." "That's all about strengthening the core, right?" "Hmm?" "OMG." "Cat in a bow tie, riding a skateboard." "Re-tweeting!" "Ha-ha." "Guy in a bow tie, right here." "Oh, good news, one person already likes our date." "Unfriend." " So, what looks good to you?" " Actually, I'm not gonna eat." " Nothing?" " No, I'm doing a master cleanse." "So, I haven't eaten solid food in two weeks." "You might have mentioned that when I told you we were going to dinner." "No, it's no problem." "You guys eat." "This stuff just flushes you right out." "I guess it's worth it, if it rids the body of all those toxins and impurities." "Right." "And the stuff that comes out of you I swear, I found a Barbie head that I swallowed in the fifth grade." "Good thing you didn't swallow her Malibu beach house." "Heh-heh." "Ouch." "Whatever you're doing, it's working." " You look great." " Thank you." "I also inject myself with the urine of pregnant women." "Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna eat either." "It's got a hormone in it that helps you lose weight." "Which is ironic, because pregnant women pack on the pounds." "I will never be fat." "Or married." "I can't believe that you created and sold your own company." "You must be incredibly smart." "Yeah, I don't know, I think it's more luck and timing." "I think it takes a little bit more than luck and timing to make 1.4 billion dollars." " Somebody did their research." " I'll bet women are after you all the time." "I mean, you could look like him and they'd still be after you." " I don't" " You know what women are thinking:" ""Is this guy gonna ask for a pre-nup?" Heh." "Theoretically, your alimony payments would run 75, a hundred grand a month at least." " And that's without child support." " Good at math." "You know, I never thought I wanted kids." "But with the right person, I could see myself having an entire litter." "I could see myself having a vasectomy." "When she's on her meds, she's actually lots of fun." "I am." "Hey." " Hey." "Got off the phone with Lyndsey." "She's got another friend." " She says this one's perfect." " No." "No more women, Alan." "Wait." "They were all women, right?" "In the eyes of the law, yes." "The Olympics..." "Eh." "Look, I know some of the dates didn't work out." "Didn't work out?" "One of them used her roast chicken to show me where she was probed by aliens." "Ah." "But you have to admit the chicken was out of this world." " Lyndsey and I are trying to help." " Yeah." "I appreciate it." "But I think I was wrong." "I just don't think I'm ready to date right now." " So you're giving up?" " No, I'm not giving up." "I just..." "I wanna change my pattern." "You know, my whole life, I've jumped from one woman to the next." "I thought that's because every time you jumped another woman slid in under you." "Well, there's that." "But let's face it I went from my mother's house to being married to Bridget." "From Bridget to dating Zoey." "And now, I'm trying to go from Zoey to a bunch of starving, crying, gold-digging, crazy-ass bitches." "Hey, if it weren't for those women, I'd still be a virgin." "And there'd be no reality TV stars." "Look, I'm just gonna be alone for a while." "And if the real thing comes along, I'll know it." "That's true." "I can still remember the exact instant that I knew Lyndsey was the one." " How'd you know?" " She said, I give up, you're the one." " Hey, Walden." " Hey." " You here by yourself?" " Yes, I'm alone." "And I plan to stay that way." "Oh, well." "If you change your mind, there's a bachelorette party in the corner with a couple of drunk and bitter bridesmaids." "Fish in a barrel." " That's good to know." "Not tonight." " All right." "What can I get you?" " I'll have a beer." " Coming up." "Excuse me." "Can I have your nuts?" " What?" " Your nuts." "Here you go." "Thank you." "I'm Rose." " Hi, Rose." "I'm" " Walden, I know." "I heard the bartender say "Hey, Walden." I mean, how else would I know your name?" " It's nice to meet you, Rose." " You too, Walden." "I prefer real books." " Some people do." " You know why I do?" "Because if you use this to fix a wobbly table, it costs you 800 dollars?" "Nope." "You can't hide a gun in an iPad." "No, I guess you can't." " Sorry, I'll leave you alone." " Thanks." "Oh, my God, are you okay?" " Nut." "I can't breathe." " Okay, don't panic." "Oh..." "Thank you, you saved my life." " Can we get a glass of water over here?" " And I'll have a martini." "All right, I'm getting ready to leave." "Do you need anything before I go?" " Mm." "Actually, if you don't mind I could really" " Just making small talk, Zippy." "Hey." " Hey, how was your night?" "Great." "In fact, I met a girl." "Of course you did." "I hate you, but I hate me more." "This girl is really interesting." "Actually, I think you know her." " Her name's Rose." " See you." " Wait, Rose?" "Crazy Rose?" " She's not crazy." "You know what?" "Name-calling is cruel." "How would you like it if somebody called you Old Alan or Cheap Alan or Loser Alan?" "Somebody does." "Did Rose tell you she stalked my brother?" "Actually, she told me everything." "You know, she was in love with him." "And I get it." "When you're in love, love makes you do crazy things." " No." "Crazy makes you do crazy things." " We all have skeletons in our closets." "Yes, but in her case, they may be actual skeletons." "She told me you were gonna do this." "Of course she did." "She's devious and deceptive." "She's probably listening to us, right now." "Hey, Rose." "How you doing?" "Alan, calm down." "I had a conversation with the woman, I'm not marrying her." " I don't even know if I'll ever see her again." " Oh, you will." "Trust me." "Her face will be the last thing you see before you black out from the chloroform." "Rose?" " Oh, Walden, hi." " Hi." "Wait a minute, you're not stalking me, are you?" "Good one." "No, I stop here every day on my way to work." " It's kind of a ritual." " Really?" "There is no way I would ever have known that." " Do you mind if I join you?" " Please." "How can I say no to the man who saved me from choking on his nuts?" "I told Alan that we met." "Boy, did you call that one." "Oh." "Let me guess, at some point did he say, "She's probably listening to us, right now." "Hey, Rose." "How you doing?"" " It's like you were there." " But I wasn't." "He is very suspicious of you." "He thinks you have some kind of plan." "Are you suspicious of me?" "I'm more curious than suspicious." "Good." "Because that's my plan." "Does your plan include having dinner with me?" " Oh, gee." "I don't know about that." " Why not?" "You live in Charlie's old house, there's Alan..." "Lots of baggage." "None of that stuff has anything to do with us." " That's true." " So, what do you say?" "Dinner?" "Okay." "To dinner." "It will be nice to go out with someone normal for a change." "Hello, Alan." "Rose, you've got a lot of nerve coming to this house." "As much nerve as you have still living in it?" "Touché." "Oh." "This place looks fantastic." "Don't act like you haven't seen it before." " I know what you're up to." " Oh, really?" "What am I up to?" "All right, I don't know specifically." "Walden is my best friend." "I will not let you hurt him." "He's very lucky to have you, given what he's been through." "Oh, which you know, because you've been spying on us." "No, I know, because he told me." "He's very fond of you, Alan." "You finally made a friend." "Don't screw it up." "Oh, you're good." "I'm totally confused right now." " Ah." "There she is." " Hi, Walden." " Are you two playing nice?" " I am." "I don't know what she's up to but I know it ends with the audience yelling, "Don't go in the cellar."" "You're funny." "He thinks I've hatched some nefarious plot." " Are you after my money?" " No, you're thinking of Alan." "Are you planning on cloning me and run my doppelgänger for president so you can be puppet-master of the nation?" "Guilty." "Heh." "Better get a sample right now." "I get it." "Hair, DNA and all." "Uh..." "Well, just stop worrying." "Don't you have somewhere you need to be?" "Matter of fact, Lyndsey and I were going to the movies." " Have a good time." " You'd like that, wouldn't you?" "Watch yourself, buddy." " He means well." " I know." " Can I pour you a glass of wine?" " Yeah, that would be great." "Aha!" "Actually, I just forgot my keys." "And your wallet." "Oof." "Shouldn't have eaten that whole tub of popcorn." "I'm gonna be gassy all night." "It's gonna take more than a bloated belly to put a muzzle on Mr. Pokey." " What was that?" " I don't know." " But I've got a bad feeling about this." " Oh." "I've got a bad feeling about this." "Walden?" "What?" "I'm coming in." "Don't worry, buddy." "I told you she was nuts." "Get out of here." " What?" " Get out of here." "I'm having the best sex of my life." "Oh, hi, Alan." "How was the movie?" "It was..." "Wait, is that a leaf-blower?" "That's not what they call it in Amsterdam." "Oh..." "Hi, Jake." "Rose?" "What are you doing there?" "I'm dating Walden." "I should've seen that coming." " How's the Army?" " How'd you know I was in the Army?" "I've been spying on you guys." " What?" " I'm kidding." "You're wearing a uniform." "Oh, yeah, right." "Don't worry about the obstacle course." "You'll get it." "Yeah, the rope climb is..." "Hey, wait a second." " How did you know that" " Gotta go." "I'll tell your dad you called." "How did I know he was in the army?" "Heh." "So cute."