"Tom: and this is our kitchen." "well, kitchen..." "Area." "Very exciting." "And yet I yawn for some reason." "Do you have any cappuccino?" "We don't have a cappuccino machine." "Espresso?" "Instant coffee?" "i'm assuming you have a kettle." "Of course we have a kettle." "Tom, your mom wants her kettle back." "But I was just gonna make monica a coffee." "Monica, come down to the real kitchen;" "i'll make you something decent." "Ok, is it just me, or does your mom still think you and I are kind of a joke?" "No, no." "That's just how mom talks." "Doesn't mean anything, right, monica?" "Boring." "I think the question is:" "why don't you have your own stuff?" "Oh well." "You know the saying." ""the best things in life aren't things. "" "yeah, that's not true." "The problem is you haven't had a bridal shower." "Oh no, I don't believe in..." "Still boring." "Look, i'll tell you what." "We're gonna organize a bridal shower and invite all of mom's rich friends." "This place will look like the back of a mob truck." "I don't know." "Mom does like to plan a party." "Could be a good chance for you guys to bond." "You think?" "So let me get this straight:" "the back of a a mob truck thing doesn't really do it for you, but the bonding does." "God, you two are so weird." "Thanks for this, monica." "Your happiness is thanks enough." "And, I get first pick of the gifts." "Ciao!" "I'm still worried your mom doesn't take us seriously." "You are being crazy." "Look, I will you a killer breakfast and we'll forget all about it." "Just gotta borrow the frying pan." "boy: can't we find a way that we could be together?" "girl: is there any way that we could be together?" "both: and oh by the way, baby, do you love me?" "yes,I do!" "Yes,Ido !" "yes, I do!" "wait." "Jessie's having a bridal shower?" "that's awesome." "Yeah, I don't think we're invited." "No, idiot, see?" "If jessie has a shower, that means you get a bachelor party." "It's called status quo." "Do you mean quid pro quo?" "Exactly." "Tit for tit." "It's tat." "What'd I say?" "tit." "You said tit." "Maybe you're right." "A bachelor party could be a good excuse to get away from the family." "What's this?" "Did I hear something about a bachelor party?" "Uh, well uh..." "Party is kind of overstating it." "Tom and I were just planning on having a nice dinner together." "Oh, that sounds nice, girls, but you leave it to me." "I've been known to plan a bachelor party or two in my day." "Oh." "Good." "Cause that would mean you'd..." "You'd come?" "Monica: so for food, we'll need some hors d'oeuvres and sandwich trays." "No problem." "I'll call frangelico's." "No." "No frangelico's; their products aren't fair trade." "Well first off, you don't trade." "You give them money." "Lots, in fact." "I got it, princess." "Frangelico's will be fine, mom." "Judith, maybe you and I can work on the menu together." "Oh." "That's ok, I have it covered." "Monica: i'll take care of drinks and decorations." "and I suppose we'll have to plan some shower games." "Like what, pin-the-veil-on-the-bride?" "You know that's a real thing, right?" "Wow." "I am never getting married." "Maybe you and I could come up with some games together." "It's ok, I have a book around here somewhere." "I'll take care of it." "ben:" "i love bachelor parties!" "hey, why not have it right here at the house?" "That way I get to meet all your chums and kick their butts at ping pong." "oh darn." "We're planning on having it the same night as jessie's shower so..." "Phil: you guys talking bachelor party?" "evidently." "If you're looking for a venue, you could have it here." "Yeah, I don't think my dad..." "Done." "Really?" "Now listen; these boys are young, so I don't want any blue movies but I thought we could get those little swizzle sticks shaped like naked ladies." "I love those!" "Now they get along." "Monica:" "so invites?" "here we go." "They're made from composted material and coloured with vegetable dye." "Is that..." "Barley?" "Buckwheat." "I took the liberty of drawing up a guest list." "Are these arranged in order of net worth?" "Alphabetical tells us nothing." "I have a list of my friends too, judith." "Should we combine them?" "No, that's fine." "Why don't you send your invitations and I'll send mine." "There's no point in over-complicating things." "We're, uh..." "We're really starting to bond." "Yeah, I'm jealous." "The only reason I agreed to a shower was to bond with your mom, and now she won't let me." "Whatever do you mean?" "Well, I keep suggesting fun things we can work on together, you know, as a team..." "Ok." "Stop right there." "What?" "My mom doesn't exactly do the "team" thing." "You want to connect with her, there's gotta be a little give and..." "Give." "Stay away from words like "together" and "team"." "And "fun. "" "what does that leave?" "Tagging along." "So if I want your mom to like me, i'm supposed to just follow her around and agree to whatever she wants?" "No, I..." "Yeah, actually, that's it exactly!" "I want to write that down." "How did you say it, again?" "It was really concise." "tom!" "Look on the bright side." "My dad could be planning your shower." "Your father might throw a good bachelor party." "You don't know." "Yeah, I do." "My dad's not good at parties." "If either party disagrees with my decision, they can file what's called an appeal." "Now an appeal..." "Yes?" "Can you cast spells with your hammer?" "I'm not a wizard, kid." "I'm a judge." "And this is a gavel." "Ok?" "My friends come to this party and I can kiss my rep goodbye." "Really?" ""rep?"" "no good?" "Yeah, nobody talks like that anymore." "I'll tell you one thing." "Our friends come to this party, you can kiss your rep goodbye." "So what do I do now?" "Dead simple." "We party with your two dads at the hill's place..." "I wish you wouldn't call them my two dads." "...but we tell the boys to meet us at the frat house, where the real party kicks in after your father nods off watching fox news." "The frat house?" "Yeah, the frat house!" "I mean we got tunes, beers, guys acting like idiots..." "Cool, so like any other night at the frat house except there won't be girls." "Jeez, when you say it like that it sounds lame." "Oh, wait, no, there's gonna be a stripper." "Ha ha." "I forgot to mention the stripper." "I would've led with the stripper." "Yeah, good note." "¶" "I don't think the shower guests are going to want to play a hannah montana board game, sweetie." "There's a drinking version." "Anything I can do to help with party prep, judith?" "I don't think so." "Invitations?" "Taken care of." "Picking them up right now." "Decorations?" "Music?" "I've got plenty of cds." "wow." "These are great." "Michael buble." "The lighter side of..." "Michael buble." "You're really good at this." "Thank you, jessie." "Um, could I come with you to pick up the decorations?" "I've already chosen the colour scheme, you know." "Oh no, I know, I know." "I just..." "I thought it might be fun to maybe, carry a box?" "Sure." "Why not?" "ok." "¶" "That was fun." "I'm glad we got to spend time together." "You know what?" "I am too." "You sound surprised." "Well, I usually do this sort of thing on my own." "Oh, that's silly, judith." "You're not a control freak." "Who said I was?" "Nobody." "Hey, here's something!" "Did you know I've always loved those jeans on you?" "Yeah." "You have such great taste in..." "High-waisted pants." "Really?" "Yeah." "Maybe someday you can show me where you buy them." "Well, the stores are open for another hour." "oh." "Taxi!" "¶" "Oh, let me help you there." "Oh, thanks." "Tonight's really gonna be fun." "Way better than tom's bachelor thing." "Oh, I don't know." "Ben throws a pretty good party." "And then they burned my village down." "ok." "Well." "Maybe wedding night stories weren't such a great idea." "What say we kick this party into high gear with a little chateau hill?" "yes!" "All right!" "no, no phil." "I can't allow that." "These boys are underage." "I'll see you later." "Where are you going?" "Anywhere but here." "¶ ¶ ava:" "these are judith's friends?" "they're a little more candle-and-sandal than I expected." "These are my friends." "Oh." "They're nice." "We need a cork screw, and b where the hell are mom's friends?" "It's early." "The party just started." "I didn't suggest this so I could get a bunch of hand-knitted tea cozies." "I want my weight in cold hard appliances." "You said you just wanted one gift." "I re-negotiated the terms of our agreement." "You weren't there." "But..." "Cork screw." "jessie?" "You never mailed the invitations to your friends?" "Wait." "It's not as bad as you think." "It's not that i don't like you;" "it's just that, I haven't told any of my friends that tom got married..." "To you." "How is that not as bad as I think?" "Ok, you're right." "It is as bad as you think." "You know what?" "This party was a terrible idea." "¶" "I've been to worse." "Nora:" "this is fun." "how come you never had a shower for your wedding, tara?" "Because phil and I never actually got married, remember?" "That's great." "Jerry and I have an open relationship, too." "We don't have an open relationship." "Yeah, no, we don't either." "Hey jess." "You ok?" "Great." "Just great." "Come on, I know that you're upset." "Spill." "Tom's mother didn't invite any of her friends because she's embarrassed tom married me and she's never going to accept me; she's a miserable shrew and those high-waisted jeans chafed my ribcage." "Man, when somebody says spill, you spill." "Tara:" "everyone?" "I would like to propose a toast to a very special lady." "I think you all know who I'm talking about." "our hostess, judith bellow, party planner extraordinaire, and someone who obviously loves jessie very much." "Everyone." "To judith!" "All:" "to judith!" "to judith." "Yahtzee!" "Hoo hoo." "Man oh man, this place is dead." "You sure you gave your friends the right address?" "More so with each passing second." "Boy, I could use a soda pop." "How's the real party going?" "Check it out." "I did not know a dog could funnel beer." "I can't believe we're missing this party." "I thought your dad would be asleep by now." "it's eight-thirty." "How old did you think he was?" "I dunno." "Seventy?" "What are you guys looking at?" "Uh, an application that tracks climate change." "Apparently it's still happening." "Let's see." "Now that is a par-tay." "What's this?" "Oh, this is going on right now, is it?" "Uh, yeah." "I guess the guys at the frat house are having a thing tonight, too." "So if you boys would rather go there, it's all right with us." "Seriously?" "Sure, why not?" "All right!" "Whose car are we taking?" "we're about to start the games." "Are you coming?" "I guess I didn't get my invitation." "I deserve that." "Why don't you just admit that you still don't take this marriage seriously?" "All right!" "I don't take it seriously." "You want to know what really went through my head?" " Yeah." "I thought that maybe if I don't tell my friends that my 18-year-old son got married, then maybe I won't have to tell them when he gets divorced." "I can't believe you just said that." "Well?" "Don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer." "We're not going to get divorced, judith!" "We love each other." "You don't know what love is." "You met when you were children." "So what?" "When I met ben, I was an adult." "I remember every detail:" "his crisp blue blazer, the sweat on his upper lip as he hurled insults at the "no nukes" protesters." "That's when I knew he was the one for me." "I just want my son to have what I have." "Instead he marries the girl next door." "That's not love, it's convenience." "Well, thank you for clearing that up." "I've gotta go lie down." "¶" "Um, we're out of salmon thingies?" "¶ ¶" "the philster!" "How do they know you?" "I was the condom rep on campus for a couple of weeks." "How do you think they learned to play fris-beer?" "Yo!" "You are nuts." "This might not be so bad." "Narc!" "Ok everyone, we're going to play the newlywed game." "So we quizzed tom on a bunch of questions and now we're gonna see how well jessie knows my idiot brother." "I mean, her loving husband..." "Who's an idiot." "And if she gets the answer wrong, she has to take a drink?" "No." "So the first question comes from tara, mother of the bride." "All right." "For ten points: what did tom say his favourite fast food restaurant was?" "Does it matter?" "No one thinks this marriage is going to last anyway." "I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for was arby's!" "Arby's." "¶" "Hey, bellow, is that your dad?" "Yeah, it is." "Thanks, buddy." "He's old." "And he's killing his liver." "Woman: all right, everybody, knock it off!" "so even though you boys have an exam on monday, you're all in here partying like a bunch of animals." "Well apparently, I'm going to have to teach you all a lesson." "¶ ¶" "¶ carter!" "I can't get a lap dance in front of my dad!" "Carter:" "you are now." "oh my god, ben bellow?" "amber?" "How are you, hon?" "Good to see you!" "I'm doing great!" "How are you?" "It's been such a long time." "We have to catch up!" "Absolutely." "Listen, go easy on him, will you, sweetheart?" "It's my son." "That's so cute!" "Guy:" "all right, here we go." "¶ carter:" "how do you know her?" "she's been in and out of my courtroom a few times and I decided to be lenient." "You know, get her some counselling." "apparently, it really helped turn her life around." "but she's a stripper." "Yeah." "But she used to be an investment banker." ""what would your husband like to have more than anything else in the world?"" "a second shot at happiness with someone he hasn't met?" "Hmm, is everything ok, jess?" "Yeah, sweetie." "I mean I don't want to get all motherly on you or anything, but you really suck at this game." "I'm sorry." "I'm ruining everyone's fun." "Let's keep going." "Ok, jess." "Moving on to the next question so we can move on to the gifts." "What would tom say was the moment the two of you both fell in love?" "Well." "Um, I can't say for sure what the moment for tom was." "But I remember mine." "it was the first grade." "I was the new kid and kind of shy." "I looked across the playground and there was tom." "in blue overalls, sneakers and mismatched socks." "i couldn't take my eyes off him." "and not just because of the chocolate pudding all over his face." "it was like time slowed down." "he smiled at me and then all of a sudden he shouted - look out!" "And I turned and i just missed being puked on by kent paulsen." "tom always has my back." "that's one of the reasons why I married him." "And it's been that way for as long as I can remember, I just..." "I didn't realize it until now." "ben: now a word about vermouth:" "personally, I never touch the stuff, but it's always good to have a little on hand for the ladies." "Tom: he's doing the vermouth speech." "this is brutal." "Relax, man." "Everyone loves him." "Are you sure they're not just humouring him?" "Dude." "That guy's taking notes." "ben:" "let's say you find yourself after work with a date." "no time to go home." "Well, if you don't have any cologne, try rubbing a little lemon rind behind your ears." "Where you goin'?" "This guy's awesome." "Not like that old dude over there who's trying too hard." "And another charitable donation to save the bark beetle." "Thank you." "I told my friends that you would probably want to do something good for the world rather than just collect these meaningless trinkets." "god, this party sucks." "Ok, so!" "Why don't we cut the cake!" "Where's judith?" "Oh, I think she's down for the night." "Judith: say hello to a few late arrivals." "jessie:" "what's going on?" "I thought you might like to meet some friends of mine from the neighbourhood." "So which one is the lucky bride?" "Everyone?" "I'd like you all to meet jessie hill-bellow." "My daughter-in-law." "Mazel tov." "Sorry, jessie." "Just doing the best I can." "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm never going to get a panini maker." "Tom: where did you learn to hold your liquor like that?" "well, son?" "Your grandmother was a woman of hidden depths." "Wicked party, tom." "Hey, don't tell your mom I peed on her hydrangeas." "When did you...?" "Those are your hydrangeas, phil." "oh." "Dad, I have to confess." "I didn't invite anybody to our bachelor party." "I know, son." "You're unpopular, but you're not that unpopular." "To be honest, I thought you'd embarrass me but, you didn't totally suck." "This is a rite of passage in a young man's life to see his father as a man, not just a dad." "So uh, when do I get that lesson on the perfect martini?" "When you're twenty-five." "Hey!" "How was your night?" "I'm so glad to see you." "I feel the same way." "whoa!" "Look out!" "Well, all things considered it was a perfect day." "really?" "It sounded pretty rough." "You mad at jessie;" "jessie mad at you." "Monica going through everybody's purses for cash." "You do know when you say 'all things considered', you're not actually supposed to consider all things." "Oh." "Sorry, honey." "I did get to relive one great memory, though." "The moment that we first met." "Ah..." "The chair lift." "The gondola?" "Spain." "Way to ruin the perfect day." "But it wasn't a perf..." "Go to sleep, ben." "chair lift..."