"Hey, um, Julie?" "Do you think you could fall in love with a guy who wears a fanny pack?" "Yes or no?" "And don't think about it." "Well..." "See, already you're thinking about it." "You're disqualified." "Let me try a different angle - a pair of identical twins ask for your hand in marriage." "One of them wears a fanny pack and the other doesn't..." "Which would you go with?" "♫ Dum-dum dum-dum... ♫ what do they call it when someone gets fixated on a particular thing?" "Annoying." "I'm sorry, I have a dilemma because I need to carry my beeper, my cell phone my electronic organizer..." "I just need some way of transporting all this stuff..." "How about a mule?" "That's not the craziest idea." "Have you tried wearing it..." "On the back or on the side?" "I like to wear it sorta like a holster." "So if the phone rings, y'know, boom!" "Just off to one side?" "Yeah, but I think it's not so much how you look in the fanny pack, it's how you feel about wearing a fanny pack." "Just becoming comfortable being the kind of guy that wears a fanny pack." "I am not that guy yet but I hope to become that guy because it's so convenient." "I think they're hideous." "I do too." "I'll give you some time to think about it." "Do you want syrup on this?" "Yeah, yeah." "Guess how much this cost, Ben." "Dad, I don't like the new you at all." "I wasn't thrilled with the old you, but uh..." "In this thing, I don't just have my cellular phone," "I have my digital organizer," "I have my voice recorder." "I have um..." "You haven't checked in awhile, have you?" "Why are you wearing that, really?" "I think what this says is that I'm in touch..." "You're hooked up." "I'm hooked up, I'm accessible," "I'm tuned in..." "But, who needs to get in touch with you?" "Well, that's the issue." "That is the issue, that's why I asked." "I'm responsible for the mental health of more than 30 people at this point, Ben." "What is it that you do?" "I'm a mental health professional." "That must be rewarding work." "I think that maybe you're going a little overboard." "Why do you need to keep everything in one unit?" "Because all my electronic things are team players." "So if I have my cell phone and not my digital organizer, which has the numbers in it, my cell phone is rendered useless." "And without you, all these things wouldn't be." "I'm a key player in this mix." "You're part of the team." "That's right." "I like to think I'm the captain." "Of "Team loser."" "Anyway, try to guess how much this thing cost." "It's 100% rawhide." "I would say 50 bucks." "Down." "$49.99?" "No, go down." "Ummm, 2 bucks." "It rhymes with "Date-teen."" "You paid $15.00 for that?" "What happened to your mind?" "You paid how much for that, dad?" "I paid $18.00." "Rawhide ain't cheap!" "Would you say one nice thing about it, please." "Fix your hair." "Hi, I uh..." "I'm, uh, here to see the doctor." "Okay." "Excuse me?" "Got it!" "Right, I'm sorry, that was stupid." "Should I just, uh... sit down." "Um-hmm." "Please don't smoke in here." "He usually lets me smoke in the office." "Oh good." "Could you please not smoke in here?" "I have great kids, I like my kids a lot, but they uh..." "It's like a rodeo clown car pulled up, and 15 of 'em got out and they're running around and you can't catch 'em." "It's like there's monkeys on acid." "They're just hanging from lights in the ceiling, and you can't get 'em, "Come down!"" "And there's certain things kids just don't understand the concept of, like the phone." "It's a completely foreign object to children." "I don't know what age they figure it out at, maybe it's when they start dating and they have to use the phone to contact other kids..." "But at this age, my kids just have no idea." "It's always when you're on the phone that they wanna talk to you." "You're on the phone talking to a distant relative, it's probably 17 million dollars a nanosecond, and that's when they walk up and... dad?" "Dad?" "Dad?" "Dad?" "Dad?" "I'm on the phone!" "Oh... okay." "Dad, dad, dad, dad-dad-dad..." "I'm on the phone!" "How many times do I have to explain this to you?" "Are you gonna be 35-years-old at the office running around going, boss, boss, boss?" "What?" "Can I have a cookie?" "The main piece of advice I can give to people who are thinking of having kids - and this is a hard and fast rule - don't buy the toys that make the noise." "That's the key thing." "Because if you buy a toy that has a button on it that makes noise, the kids are gonna press that button over and over again." "That's the whole game for them." ""Ahn-ahn-ahn-ahn ahn-ahn-ahn."" "They'll invite their other friends over, there'll be 15 kids waiting in line " ""Ooh that's cool, my turn!"" ""Ahn-ahn-ahn-ahn ahn-ahn-ahn."" "And I warn you, here's the worst toy that makes noise, ever!" "Okay." "The "Darth Vader bank."" "I dunno if you've seen this toy, doc." "It's.." "Huge!" "And here's the gig with the toy:" "He's a bank!" "So the kids put the money in his mouth and here's what you hear:" ""I am your father, Luke."" "For 15 minutes at a time!" "One coin, 15 minutes worth of noise." "I have kids lined up again putting coin, after coin, after coin." "I've had hours of " ""..." "Luke!"" "On the third day, the mechanism that makes the voice, breaks." "Um-hmm." "So now, the toy doesn't need money." "It just goes off randomly in the middle of the night!" "So I find myself at age forty in my underwear creepy-crawling to get to the bathroom, hoping that I won't walk too loudly and set off James Earl Jones' voice in my kid's bedroom." "And when I raise the toilet seat, that little "click" as it hits the top..." "That's when I hear " "I'm on again, come in here and turn me off." "It's not right..." "I'm almost naked," "I'm 40, standing, giving the finger to James Earl Jones in my kid's room!" "It's not right." "Ben, I have a big favor to ask of you." "I need you to call my office at exactly 11:35." "And tell Laura that you need to talk to me, that it's an emergency." "That is so easy, and it's a shame, but I'm not gonna participate." "Ben, I ask so little of you... that is the irony." "And I get less in return." "So wait a minute, you want me to call Laura at exactly 11:35... and tell her it's an emergency." "But isn't that alarming?" "That wouldn't be right." "It would be alarming if you got it right." "But, can we synchronize our watches?" "I have exactly 8:24." "I have..." "No watch." "In that case, I'm gonna take off my watch and we'll synchronize our wrists." "Ha, ha!" "I have..." "A hairy wrist." "Me too." "So call Laura " "I'd better write this down." "Call... who?" "There's pen ink all over me!" "Anyway, I appreciate your help here, Ben." "Why is it so important that I call at 11:35?" "Because at 11:35, I will be at the bank when she will place that call, which I will hear because the phone is in my fanny pack and turned on." "So can I count on you, this time?" "Definitely not." "Hi, I'm here to see Dr. Katz." "Could you take a seat, please." "That's okay, I'd rather stand." "I'd rather you sat." "I can stand all day." "I stand for 20-hours-a-day sometimes." "I'd rather you didn't." "Are you sure he's in there?" "Pretty sure." "Have you heard any noise come out of that room in the last hour?" "Maybe." "Want me to go check?" "No..." "I could just run in for a second..." "No!" "I'll be with you in one minute okay?" "Uh, he's in there, he's in there." "Great!" "So..." "You're shopping, and tell me again what happened?" "I caught this guy who was..." "Comparing apples and oranges." "So I walked over and said, "Hey, you can't do that."" "And he said, "Why not?"" "And I said, 'cause that would be like... comp... forget it." "I like to go to the bowling alley and bring a little black marble with me and put it inside that machine that they use to polish the balls, then just call the manager over." "During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sandcastles out of cement..." "Then wait for kids to run by and kick 'em over." "So your trip did not begin well." "Yeah, I was sitting on the plane, and..." "The stewardess comes running out of the cockpit and said, "The pilot just passed out." "Can somebody fly the plane?"" "Nobody else raised their hand so I figured I'd take a shot at it." "It took me almost four hours just to get it off the runway." "Finally the right wing catches on fire, so I'm panicking and looking around." "I see this little button that says "eject,"" "so I hit that and..." "This little cassette pops out." "Laura, I'm just gonna run out to the bank." "All right." "And I'm gonna leave my cell phone on, so if anyone calls, or if there's an emergency..." "You have that number, right?" "You mean the number you've given me every day for the last two weeks?" "Yeah, and even if they're reluctant to say it's an emergency..." "Well, what qualifies as an emergency?" "Uh, if it rings more than three times." "I don't think I have the number." "Can you give me the number?" "Yeah - just kidding!" "Dr. Katz's office." "Dr. Katz's home!" "It's Ben, Laura." "I know." "Uh, please note that I called at 11:35." "Okay." "It is 11:35, right?" "Yeah." "Wait a minute, hold on a second..." "Will you hold on?" "Yes." "Okay, hold on..." "Yep, it's 11:35." "I'll make sure he gets the message." "Yeah, yeah, whatever." "No offense, doc, don't take this personally, but one of my problems with this therapy thing is I just think it's a... you know..." "It's crap!" "Why is that, Denis?" "The way I was brought up, two men sitting in a room face to face discussing things is..." "Interrogation..." "That's what that is." "I'm Irish, so we have our own way of dealing with feelings." "So basically we just keep it bottled up..." "Until you explode." "You just keep it completely bottled up and then one day, you just snap and you scream and you beat up a cab driver, then you go home and take a nap." "That's basically how I operate." "It's a series of outbursts and then after outbursts, nap." "Venting, nap." "Full-blown psychotic episode, nap." "That's the way I look at it." "My family's fairly big by our standards." "There's about 4,000 of us." "If you go to Killarney which is where we're from, there's 4,000 of 'em who look just like me." "Some are adults, some are old, some are young and they're everything, cops, bartenders..." "Just a sea of..." "My face." "I saw a book in the bookstore called "Irish cuisine," and I laughed my ass off." "It cost 75 dollars, a big coffee table book," ""Irish cuisine."" "You know what we're famous for?" "Putting everything in a pot and boiling it for 17 hours straight." "That's not a cuisine, that's penance, doc." ""Bless me, father, for I have sinned."" "Cook everything in a pot and then..." "Suck it up through a straw." "That's how we have to eat our food 'cause it's so watery, everything piles together and you go And eat it through a straw." ""Here's breakfast!"" ""Thanks for dinner, ma."" ""Is that dessert?"" "Thanks." "So it's no so much about the heat, it's about the clothing." "It don't like shorts, anyway." "I don't think people should wear shorts." "I don't think the leg should be exposed." "I think men's hairy legs should be covered up." "With two or three pairs of long pants." "That's my uhh..." "That's me." "I see those guys swimming in the Olympics and I'm like, "You gotta be kidding me!"" "Never in my family has anybody worn a bathing suit that size." "When we go to the beach, we go in... giant shirts, long overcoats and pants." "We sit down, we drink a beer, smoke a butt, we go home." "It's a day at the beach in the Leary family." "That's kind of an Irish thing too, I guess." "'Cause twice a year in Ireland they look up, the clouds break, the light comes through and they go, "Wow, there's that big yellow ball again!" "What is that thing?"" "Hey, dad." "Ben." "You're all strapped in again?" "It makes you look thinner." "I think, 'cause I have it so tight now." "It's like a combination fanny pack/girdle." "Right..." "I'm sorry the thing with Laura didn't work out as well." "It just goes to show you that none of those items you have really help you in any way." "It just complicates everything." "No, what happened was that there was human error involved." "And I can even see the human that was involved in that error." "I'm not upset about your instruments of technology." "I'm most upset about the way you carry 'em around." "It's gonna wreak havoc on your life, dad." "You think it's gonna make it easier but it ain't!" "Shhh, listen to me!" "You put it on for one second." "No, dad, I'm not trying yours on." "Just tell me how you feel... it's not hygienic." "Maybe you're the kind of guy that's comfortable wearing it." "Just try it on for one minute." "Alright..." "And I'll call you... let me turn on the phone." "I can't get this strapped on, dad..." "And I'll put this back in the fanny pack." "I'll open the antenna just a little bit..." "This baby ain't an "x-x-x-l"..." "You're gonna experience a feeling that you've never felt before." "Oh, dad, you're freaking me out." "Yep." "What do you, hook it around the back, here?" "Any way you feel comfortable wearing it." "Is around the thigh okay?" "I guess." "I think that's how they used to wear them in Sherwood forest." "They had arrows in 'em." "So the phone is in the fanny pack?" "Yep." "I think it's ringing, so just unzip the uh..." "I don't hear nothing." "You don't hear it ringing?" "I hear it ringing." "Well, that's in the fanny pack." "You've got to take it out..." "Oh..." "Zipper's stuck." "No, it zips on the other side." "Is that a zipper?" "Can I just rip this thing open?" "Here we go." "Hello?" "Ben?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Ben?" "Dad?" "Yeah!" "See?" "Now tell me that isn't the best." "Hello?" "Ben?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Yes, it's Ben." "Tell me this isn't the coolest thing in the world." "This-is-not-cool." "Pretend that I was at the office and you had locked yourself in the bathroom like you did last week." "You know what, to be honest..." "Yeah?" "We didn't need the fanny pack for that." "But I don't always remember to bring my phone with me." "But if they all "live" in the fanny pack - click!" "I just hung up on you, dad." "Hello?" "You know what?" "You're boring!" "Why does it smell like broccoli in here - like a baked potato?" "Did you put this in my pack?" "Yes, I packed your lunch!" "You've got to put foil around it 'cause you got sour cream all over my phone and my digital organizer..." "Well, next time." "You try and do a nice thing for somebody and..." "You try and do a nice thing that cost me a few hundred dollars worth of repair work." "Why don't you give me the fanny pack and I'll hose it out, and I'll give it back to you." "No, don't get it wet!" "That'd be like pouring salt... no don't pour that salt... on your wound." "You know how that expression started?" "How?" "Some guy poured some salt on an open wound." "Liar!" "No, I'm serious." "Shut up..." "It's not that easy." "But you know the expression" ""Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater"?" "That's good advice." "How did that one start?" "Don't even ask..." "That's such a sad story." "Hey, dad?" "Yeah?" "I have a little surprise for you." "I love surprises." "Should I close my eyes?" "I think you should close your eyes and take off your fanny pack." "I'll close my eyes." "Keep your eyes closed." "Turn your head to the right." "Okay." "Cover your mouth when you yawn." "Sorry." "Now turn around." "Yeah." "Now open your eyes." "Okay." "Here we go!" "Wow, Ben, it's beautiful!" "What is that exactly?" "It's a bag, a plastic bag." "You're not gonna suffocate me, are you?" "No, don't worry about that, yet." "What is that uh... for?" "This is for all your stuff!" "You'd give that to me?" "I'm gonna give this to you." "Do you know why?" "'Cause I can't stand the fanny pack!" "And you think I'll do better walking around with a bag full of... you bring this to work and maybe you graduate to a regular gym bag or a backpack or a briefcase." "No." "Dad, you're a man." "You think I'm gonna walk to work carrying a plastic shopping bag?" "How come nobody walks around with a stick with a bandana anymore?" "That I would do in a flash - the hobo look?" "That's a good look." "Go to work with your phone and all your electronic devices..." "I wouldn't have to drive," "I'd just hop a freight train." "Exactly!" "We gotta bring that back!" "This is kinda strange, doing this... sitting here." "Well, it is an "Unnatural situation therapy."" "It kinda reminds me of the first time" "I got undressed in front of a woman." "It was horrible, she started screaming and uh..." "Then they kicked me off the bus." "When I was in high school, I got my girlfriend pregnant." "Actually, I didn't get her pregnant." "I just really, really pressured her to adopt." "That's different, but similar." "Yeah." "I went to a restaurant the other night, ordered a huge meal I couldn't pay for, and they sent me in the kitchen to wash dishes." "Right." "I broke ten plates..." "Then I had to go back out and eat more food." "I went to a food fair, they had food from colonial times." "Right." "It was all stale." "I'm sorry, I have to get that." "That's my pants." "Hello?" "Ben..." "I know I left the bag at home." "No, I love the bag." "No, this is not a good time." "No, listen, I cannot talk now." "I'm with a patient." "I'm not getting snippy." "I'm not raising..." "I am not raising my voice!" "Look, this is not the time to do this." "I am not mad at you." "No, I don't hate you." "I am not- okay..." "Love you, too." "Very much!" "Bye." "I think if we can find the source of your anger and then approach it from that angle..." "I think if you saw what it is that makes you so angry" "I think it comes from this black rage that I have inside." "There's a big cloud of black..." "My job is to help you shed light on the black- what do you do when you get angry?" "I think what's more important is why you're interested in what I do when I get angry." "As an angry person, I'm interviewing people- let's say I'm writing a book." "And let's say I'm writing a book." "Okay." "Called, "It's not important what I do when I'm angry."" "Okay, I'm writing a book called" ""It is important what Dr. Katz does when he's angry"" "by Dr. Denis Leary, okay?" "Okay, I reviewed your book..." "Yes?" "And found it not very insightful or helpful, and referred the author of your book to my book." "Well, I've reviewed your book, already, without even reading it, and since you reviewed my book so badly, you know what I say?" "I think your book sucks!" "Oops, Denis, you know what the music means." "No, I don't know what the music means." "Well, it means we're gonna have to stop."