"Timing by Fist_Rothbone" " Want gas, mister?" " Yeah, fill it up." "Help yourself, will you, please?" "I gotta close up." "To you know how to get to Blackbeard's Inn at Godolphin?" "I'm goin' there myself." "I'll show you the way if you'll give me a lift." " You're on." " Thanks." " Stayin' at the inn?" " Yep." "Mostly old ladies live there." "Salesmen goin' through like to stay in Ye Jolly Roger down in town." "Got more of a chance to kick up their heels." "Well, I'm not a salesman." "I'm the new track coach at Godolphin College." "Coach, I'm glad to know you!" "My name's Gudger Larkin." "I'm on your track squad." "I'm captain." "Well, well." "Small world, isn't it?" "Let's see now, Captain." "I'd guess you were a sprinter, huh?" "Golly, no, sir." "I'm-I'm as slow as molasses in January." " Can you give me a hand, Coach?" " Oh, yeah." " Say, what is your event, Larkin?" " Oh, I'm the shot putter, sir." "Shot putter?" "Well, the weight man's usually the strongest man on the team." "Yes, sir." "That's the inn, Coach." "That's Blackbeard's Inn." " Did the old pirate really build it?" " Sure." "He got killed in a battle right out there in the bay." "I guess I'll have to brush up on the local history." "Wait till you meet the little old ladies who run the inn." "They're all descendants of Blackbeard's bloody crew, and they're proud of it." ""Buccaneer Bazaar tonight." "Help save Blackbeard's Inn."" " What does that mean?" " Some guy's trying to have the inn torn down... but the old ladies are putting up a pretty good fight." "You sure they haven't started to tear it down already?" "Well, I'll tell you, it's built mostly of odds and ends." "Timbers of ships that got wrecked in the bay." " You can park over there." " All right." "What's that all about?" "Hey, buddy, I..." "That's Silky Seymour." "He runs the gambling around here." " I wouldn't fool with him." " What's he doing at the old ladies' bazaar?" "He's the guy that bought up their mortgage from the bank." "If the old ladies don't come up with the loot, out they go." " This fellow Seymour gets everything he wants around here, huh?" " Just about." "Miss Jeffrey, have you seen Miss Stowecroft?" "This gentleman has a room reservation." "She's outside in a tent telling fortunes." " Dean Wheaton." " What is it?" "Sir, l-I'd like you to meet our new track coach." "Steve Walker, sir." "Just arrived." "I believe I'm to report to you in the morning." " Uh, Welcome to Godolphin, Mr Walker." " Thank you very much, sir." "I don't want to seem negative, but I want to be frank." "I was not in favour of replacing our former track coach when he left so informally." " Oh?" " For some years now, the track team has done precious little... to add lustre to the name of Godolphin College... so there didn't seem any point in going on with it, you see?" " Well, I'm sorry to hear that, sir..." " Howsoever, we have competed... in the Broxton Relays for the past 63 years... so the alumni insisted on one more try." "Well, of course, sir, there's not much time left before the relay is here... but I hope I can restore your confidence in the boys." "Mr Walker, I never had any." "Well, mmm, before the warmth of the dean's reception goes to my head..." "I think I'll find Miss Stowecroft and get a room." "I've been on the road since 5:00 this morning." " Okay, Coach." "I'll see you tomorrow." " Gudger... uh, what did happen to the other track coach?" "I don't know." "He got to actin' real weird." "Talkin' to himself, real down in the chops." "And one day, he just disappeared." "Just... and he was gone." " Good night, Gudger." " Good night, Coach." "Oh, Mr Walker." "This is Mr Purvis... our football coach, whom you undoubtedly know by reputation." "Well, I certainly do." "Who doesn't?" "We're very fortunate in having the services of Mr Purvis." "He produces winning football teams... which in turn produce gratifyingly large grants and endowments from proud alumni." "Mr Walker is the new coach of what we refer to as the track team." "The track team." "Oh, Walker, you won't last three weeks." "Take my word for it." "Well, if you don't mind, Mr Purvis, I'd like to find that out for myself." "A word of advice, friend." "At, uh, Godolphin, the name of the game is football." " That's what makes the mare go around here, so, uh..." " Football." "Don't get any big ideas." " Wouldn't dream of it." " Oh, well, come along, Mr Purvis." "I'm sure that Mr Walker will acclimatize very quickly." "Track team!" " Miss Stowecroft?" " Sit down, Ishmael." "No, my name's Steve Walker, Miss Stowecroft." "I believe a room was arranged for me here through the college." " You know, living accommodations?" " We accommodate the living." "But who shall accommodate the dead?" "Give me your hand, Ishmael." "Oh, no, no, no." "I don't want my fortune told." "Just a room, Miss Stowecroft." "There's a revelation here." "Dark deeds and violence." "Things roused up that were better left to rot." "If you'll tell me where the keys are, Miss Stowecroft..." " I'd be happy to..." " Hold." "There's more to the revelation." " We see good here too." " Oh, well, that's good." "Happiness." "Happiness and content for the people of Godolphin... delivered from an ancient evil, and gratitude to you, Ishmael..." " Oh." " Who have sacrificed your own life... in their delivery." "Now the light fades." "That is all." " Now, about the room, Miss Stowecroft..." " That's all." " Yes, but..." " You may leave an honorarium... for the care and welfare of the spirits in the bowl on your way out." "Oh, thank you." "Come again." "Hi." "Hey!" "What's the big idea?" "Well, kisses, one buck, right?" "But I don't work here." "Can't you read?" "I'm executive committee." "I work here." "Well, now, so you do." "Well, that is what I call a real good dollar kiss." " Plenty of value for the money." " Would you hold this a minute, please?" "How would you like to try the five-dollar special?" "Five-dollar special." "May I have my badge?" "Thank you." "Oh, no, I'm terribly sorry." "Only one to a customer." "Excuse me." "Oh, Miss Stowecroft." "If I could get that room now, please?" "Oh, Ishmael!" "Come along, please." "The auction is about to begin." "Ladies and gentlemen of Godolphin and neighbouring community... you all know the purpose of this bazaar." "Our good friends, the Daughters of the Buccaneers... took over this old ruin many years ago and turned it into a cultural landmark." "They serve tea, cooked chicken dinners... even turned part of it into a boarding house... anything to keep it going, but that's not enough." "And unless enough money is raised tonight... this place that has been their home for so many years... will pass into the hands of strangers." "So, when Miss Stowecroft begins to auction off... the treasured mementoes, the fine antiques and the family heirlooms... that these good ladies have so generously donated to the cause..." "I beg you to search your hearts and to bid cheerfully... boldly and very, very generously." "Thank you." "Miss Stowecroft." "Thank you, Professor Baker." "Lot number one." "A fine antique pistol... which has been in the immediate family of Miss Emily Jeffrey... past president of the Daughters of the Buccaneers... for many, many years." " Now..." " Uh, one dollar." "Oh, can't we do better than that?" "Who'll give me $20?" "Do I hear $20?" "Oh, the gentleman in the back just waved." "The gentleman in the back says, "$20." Who'll give me $30?" " Thirty dollars." " Thirty-five dollars." " Forty." " Fifty dollars." " Sixty dollars." " Seventy." "Do I hear $80?" " Eighty dollars!" " One hundred dollars!" "One hundred dollars bid!" "Do I hear 110?" "Professor Baker, how about your nice young man in the back?" "Oh, I don't think so." "He just backed into his shell." "Very well." "One hundred dollars once." "One hundred dollars twice." "Sold!" "All right, move in." " One hundred dollars." " Thank you." " Lot number two." "A genuine antique..." " You got taken, buddy." "This is a fake." " Copper-bottomed bed warmer." " Take my advice." "Don't bid on anything else." " I think well over 250 years old." " You mean the warming pan is fake too?" "That's tourist junk." " And Mr Seymour don't like to see you throw your money away." " Ladies and gentlemen... this bed warmer is believed to have been the property of Aldetha Teach... tenth wife of our dear Captain Blackbeard." " And now, what am I bid?" " If you want to bid, go ahead, but, uh, I don't think Mr Seymour would like it." "Mrs Starkey, how about starting the bidding for us?" "N-No, thanks." "I, I don't think so." " How about you, Mr Finch?" " Oh, uh, no, no, thank you." "Uh, Mr Harrison, you'll open the bidding for us, I know." "This pistol's enough for me." "Oh." "Will no one open the bidding... on this magnificent item?" " Five dollars!" " Well, thank you." " Ten dollars." " Mr Virgil Purvis... our football coach, bids $ 10." " Fifteen." " Twenty dollars." " Twenty-five." " Thirty dollars." " Thirty-five." " Fifty dollars." " Fifty-five." " Sixty." " Sixty-five." " Seventy!" " Five!" " One hundred dollars!" " As we all know..." "Mr Virgil Purvis, our football coach, doesn't like to lose." "He very generously bids $ 100." "Just an opinion, but I wouldn't bid any more if I were you." " Are there any other bids?" " Well, now, why is that?" " No reason." "I just don't want you to." " One hundred dollars going once." " Oh." " One hundred dollars twice." " Two hundred dollars." " Two hundred dollars once." "Two hundred dollars twice." "Sold to the nice young gentleman in back." "Now we're really rolling!" " Excuse me." " Lot number three." "Here we have a fascinating piece from colonial times." "The clock in the gentleman's stomach keeps perfect time." " Now, what am I bid?" " New around here, aren't you?" " Yeah." " Do I hear $20?" " Just passing through?" " Nope." " Thirty dollars." " Might stick around a while, huh?" " Thirty-five dollars." " Might." " Thank you." " We'll see each other again." " Fifty dollars." " Good night." " Eighty dollars." " Hi." " Hi." " How'd you make out?" " Fine." "Much better than we expected." " Thank you." " That's good." "No problem, then?" "Oh, I wish that were true." "We still have another $38,000... to give Mr Seymour before the first of the month." "Say, why is Mr Seymour so anxious to get his hands on this property anyway?" "Here, I'll show you on the map." "You see, this is..." "this is the island we're on." "Well, in Blackbeard's time, the river flowed this way." "And the inn wasn't on an island at all." "It was part of the mainland." "Then about, oh, 80 years ago, we had this terrible flood and a storm... and the, uh, the river changed its course... isolating the inn from the mainland." "As a result, nobody's ever been able to clarify... what the legal jurisdiction of the island really is." " Th-That's where Mr Seymour comes in?" " Sure." "He can tear down the inn, put up a big, modern casino..." " and the law can't bother him." " Mm-hmm." "Oh, uh, well, I'd like to thank you for what you did tonight." "You know, without you, we wouldn't have had much of an auction." "Well, I just kept bidding because it made you smile." "I like that smile." "Jo Anne, aren't you re..." "I've been waiting to drive you home." "Excuse me." "Good night." "Good night." "I'm going to put you in his room." "I'm sure he won't mind." " He?" " Captain Blackbeard." " Oh." "This looks out to the river and to the upper bay." "Oh, the captain used to stand here for hours with his spyglass... studying the ships moving in and out." "He'd pick out the one he liked... then he'd come here to this very table... and with his men, he'd plan how to seize it." "Well, thank you, Miss Stowecroft." "I know how anxious you must be to get to bed, so..." "Sometimes when he's in a bad mood or feeling lonely... we hear him thumping around, breaking glasses and bottles... trying so hard to communicate with us." "I suppose we should all be very angry with him for all that noise." "But, you know, it isn't his fault, poor man." "Then, whose fault is it?" " Aldetha's, of course." " Who?" "Number ten." "The captain's last wife, but one." "Oh, the one your warming pan belonged to." " Oh." "Well, good..." " Aldetha was a witch, you know." "She never forgave the captain for denouncing her to the authorities." "When they were burning Aldetha at the stake... she put a terrible curse on him." "As the flames crept higher and higher... she screeched her dying words:" ""Edward Teach, sometimes known as Captain Blackbeard..." ""when you come to die, may your body and soul..." ""be racked between this world and the next..." ""always to be alone." ""May this curse hold fast and true." ""May you dwell forevermore in limbo..." ""or until such time as there be found in you..." ""most wicked of all villains... some spark of human goodness."" "Well, good night, Mr Walker." "Sleep well." "The dining room will be open for breakfast at 7:30 a.m." "Oh, please be prompt." "Oh, no." "Two hundred bucks." ""Aldetha Teach."" "Well, so the thing did belong to her." ""Her book of spells and conjurations."" "Well, now." ""A spell to turn your enemy into a spotted toad."" ""A spell to turn mercury into gold."" "I wonder if there's a spell to make a track team out of a pig's ear." ""A spell to bring to your eyes and ears... one who is bound in limbo."" "Well, how about that?" "Limbo." "Curses." "Pirates." "Malarky." "Blackbeard himself was a phony." "He was probably some chicken-livered little pipsqueak... that built up a reputation scaring old women and children." "Chicken-livered pipsqueak, is it?" "A remark spoke slighted like that... could raise a man's blood now, could it not?" "I've been on the road since 5:00 this morning." "I'm just tired." "Nothing to eat." "Miss Stowecroft gassed me up with pirate stories." "I'm all right." "I'm just tired." "Boy, am I tired!" "I don't think you're real." "I don't think that sword is real!" "And I'm gonna walk right through it and go to bed!" "Try it, mate." " It's real." " Who called me out?" " What?" " Who invoked me?" "Aldetha's writing." "No!" "Aldetha done it." ""Beware," cried me shipmates." ""Sheer off." "That girl, she be a true witch."" "And I paid no heed." "Oh, Aldetha." "To do that to your legal spoke husband." "Oh!" "The story is, Blackbeard had her burned." "Burned?" "I never put a taper to her." "Never." "Oh, I own that down in the horse latitudes, on a dull day..." "I might've keel-hauled a wife or two, or else walked one off the end of a plank, yes." "But I never did it for spite." "Funny thing about me." "Never did it for spite." "I might've done it out of, uh, jest... to keep the spirit of me shipmates up." "And now to real business." "Where'd you stow it?" " What?" "What?" " Your rum." " I don't drink." " Don't drink?" "Ship's stores." "Have to seek succor there." "Ah, Mrs Stowecroft, your humble servant." "Servant." "A bottle of rum No glasses are left" "I'll drink from the bottle with you, sir" "You don't know what you're missing, son." " She didn't see you." " Aye?" " She didn't even hear you." " Oh, why should she?" "I'm a kind of a ghost, you know." "In limbo, caught twixt this world and the next... beholden to that spell which brings me to your eyes only." "You mean, no one can see you except me?" "That's about the shape of it, son." "And that's why I'll be sailing alongside of you, see?" "Wheresoever thou goest, there also will I go." "So let's drink to that." "Are you sure you don't want to freshen your spleen?" "Now, let's get one thing straight!" "I want nothing to do with you!" "I'm go..." "I'm gonna go to bed... and you can go back into the woodwork or wherever it is you came from!" "Belay that tongue!" "One thing old Blackbeard don't take kindly to... it's them sort of "insinuendos."" "Come to think of it, I don't care for the cut of your jib, neither." "If I were to lay this course, I'd choose myself a companion... a hearty companion, with a little blood on his sleeve... and a predilection for rum, for song... and for the occasional wench." "But what have I got?" "Hmm?" "I've got a shindly little beanrake." " Now, wait!" " Yes, I have." "With the shakes and the whimpers." " What do you mean the sh-shakes and..." " Doesn't even want to join me in a drink." "We're stuck with one another, you and I." "The cruise may well be a long one, so you'd better make the best of it." "And I take this opportunity of bidding you a very good night." "Hey!" "Hey, wait a minute!" "Get off of my bed!" " Your bed?" " My bed!" ""My bed"?" "I captured it from a Portugee trader at the sack of Cartagena!" " I spitted him clean and sweet against the headboard!" " Well, I..." "Don't rush me." "There it is." "There's your Portugee, what's left of him." "Well, if you think I'm gonna sleep on the floor, you've got another thing coming!" "Oh, well then, welcome aboard and drop your hook." "Devil is the man whoever said that old Teach was inhospitable." "All I ask is to be able to get to sleep, because I know... because I know that when I wake up tomorrow morning, none of this will have ever happened." "Nine men..." "Down!" "Oh, when nine and twenty Spanish lads You pull it on the sheets, my boy" "Up!" "The Jolly Roger!" "Wind freshening, aye, Mr Bellamy." "El Portugee, it's your daughter I'm after, senor, not your bed." "Don Mendoza, we meet again." "Pick up your weapon, sir." "Take my regards to the king of Spain!" "Bellamy!" "Oh!" "That's it!" "That is absolutely it!" "Figment of my imagination or no figment, he can have his room." "He can have his bed!" "I don't need it." "I'm going to the Ye Jolly Roger Motel where the salesmen go." "Well, nothing like a little fresh air to straighten you out." "For a while there, I almost believed there was a pirate." "Oh, no." "You're back!" "Right?" "That be about the measure of it, lad." "I fear there's no way of being rid of dear old Blackbeard." "Well, that's great." "That is just great!" "I couldn't have an ordinary ghost on my hands!" "I got a rummy!" " A big, ugly, booze-soaked rummy!" " Hold on there!" "There be no call to put the fuddler's name on your new-found shipmate." "Uh, look, lad..." "I've been very lonely, see." "I'm just an old hulk, wrecked on a lee shore." "All my shipmates gone, no one to listen to me no more." "You don't care for me, that's plain as print." " Shut up, will ya?" "Shut up." "Ju-Ju-Just shut up." " Aye." "Aye, aye." "You wouldn't have such a thing as an handkerchief..." " on your person, would you?" " I don't have a handkerchief." " Oh, you must, do you?" " Keep your hands to yourself!" "No!" "What manner of craft be this we're cruisin' in?" " What?" " This craft." " Oh." "It's an automobile." " Aye?" " An automobile!" " Oh, is it?" "Yes, "automotonees."" " Yes, "autosomonees."" " Hey, sit down!" "It's propelled by some kind of animal under the hatch, is it?" "No, it isn't!" "Sit down now." "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" " I've a mind to have a hand at the helm." " Well, you've got another mind coming!" " You're gonna kill us, you idiot!" " Take your hands off the spokes... or I'll bend a marlinspike around your loaf!" " I'll take that wheel." " I haven't finished my turn yet." " Wait!" " Get away from there!" "It's my turn." " Get your hands off the wheel!" " Feels like a weather helm, don't it?" " I'll show her who's master!" " No!" "No, no!" "No, no!" "No, no!" "No, no, no!" " We're in the breakers, boy!" " Get out!" "Back the main braces!" "Stand by to wear ship now!" "Take your foot off of my gas!" " Look out!" " Read about." "Hard alee." "Hard alee." "Avast, ya lubber!" "What are you doin' in the main channel?" "Oh, no, not a policeman!" "Let..." "Let go!" "Let go!" "Look, I'll give you the wheel later." "Right now, I..." "You've done it now, you dumb ox!" "Steer out of the whirlpool!" "Man overboard!" "Your driver's licence, please." " Who's the popinjay?" " Will you stay out of this?" "Well, Mr Walker, I see we've been out getting our nose wet somewhere tonight." "It so happens, I don't drink." "And what is that on the seat beside you?" " It looks like a bottle of rum." " May I have it, please?" "I believe you're right, Mr Walker." "It is a bottle of rum." "Let the swab find his own rum, I say!" "Will you give me this bottle and stop maying a nuisance out of yourself?" "I'll take charge of that bottle, if you don't mind." "You let go of the bottle, you idiot!" "No need for epithets, Mr Walker." "I'm only trying to do my job." "I'm afraid destruction of the evidence isn't going to help you any, Mr Walker." "Now this be the foulest crime of all..." "wasting good spirits." "By thunder, this raises me blood!" "No, don't do it!" "There's no need for you to get emotional about this." "You've had the fun." "Now you can take the consequences." "All right, lad, all right." "I shan't harm him." "But this gentleman needs a lesson in manners." "It's plain to see that you're starting to come apart at the seams." "All itchy, twitchy, talking to yourself." " Cut it out, will you, Blackbeard?" " All right, get out of the car!" "Hey, watch that thing!" "It's probably..." "Hey, look out, will you!" "Five balls in one load, mate." "Five!" "Many's the time off the Maricaibos..." "I could've done with a prime little darling like that." "Give way, you landlubber!" "The key, you idiot!" "The key!" "Turn off the key!" "Think you can get away from me, do you?" "Calling Patrolman 9, we're at the corner of..." "Hey, lad, that be better sport than riding a humpback whale in a hurricane!" "Hey, care for a drench, son?" "It'll brighten your scan." " You're still here, huh?" " Aldetha's testament, I see." "Studying some way to get rid of poor old Blackbeard, are you?" " How'd you guess?" " I have been observing thee... and I note that you have a bent for getting yourself into trouble." "I get into trouble?" "Oh, that is really rich!" "Who do you suppose put me here?" "Well, do you think I like this mortal life of yours?" "Aye, there doesn't seem to be any honest joy any more." "Your modern life of yours seems to have got small." "Everything's puckered up." "You call this a four-poster bed?" "Clear the way there!" "I'm down." "You won't get no comfort out of that." "If it's Aldetha laid that spell, you can mark it a good one, without no loophole." "Now, wait a minute." "Mrs Stowecroft told me that curse." "Something about you having to dwell forevermore in limbo." " Limbo." " Then something, something, something..." "Until there be found in you some spark of human goodness." " What's the matter?" " Aldetha was bright as brass." "She knew me like a book." "Well, you must have done something good." "Did you ever..." "Did you ever pat a dog?" " A dog?" " Yeah." " Pet it?" " Yes." " No, I never did pet it." " Did you ever help an old lady across the street?" " That's silly." " Anything?" " No." " No." "No, we're sunk, you and me." "Dead as pork." "Might as well... face up to it." "Hey." "Hey, the little old ladies, the Daughters of the Buccaneers." "Your own kith and kin, some of them." "Give them your treasure." " My treasure?" " Yeah." "The one that people have been talking about for so long." "It's hidden somewhere around here, isn't it?" " Never mind." " Eh?" " Why should I give them my treasure?" " Why, you great ape?" "Because you can do some good with it." "You can help them." "In helping them, you might help yourself." "You might break the curse." " You thinks this, does ye?" " Yes, I thinks this." "If you help those little old ladies save their home... they'll name public schools and bridges and highways after you." "Can't you see it?" "Teach Park." "Teach Highway." "See?" "The Edward Teach, uh, Memorial, uh, Free Day Nursery." " Free?" " For babies." " Oh, for babies." " Yeah." " Named for me, a wicked old pirate?" " Yeah." "And for nothing more than a few chests of doubloons and a few strands of precious jewels?" " You bet they will." " And in spite of the fact... that I've got the blood of a thousand gallant lads still on my hands?" "Will you forget the blood!" "I mean, I'm trying!" "Look, crack loose with the treasure, huh?" "It's the only way." " Well, it don't sound right to me." " Of course it doesn't sound right to you!" "How would a creep like you know the difference between right and wrong?" "That's why the curse held on so long." "Now, come on." " Where's the treasure?" " Well, I suppose I must trust you." " Yeah." "Where is it?" " The treasure?" " Yeah." " Want to know the treasure?" " Yeah." "Hmm?" "Where is it?" "Where's the treasure?" " There ain't no treasure." " There ain't..." "What?" "No!" "Not a penny." "There's not a doubloon." "There's not a bent or damaged peseta." "That is one of the most outrageous things that I have ever..." "Do you realize people have been searching for that treasure for over two centuries?" "Huh?" "Poor, unfortunate souls grubbing and digging in the dirt!" "I'm not good for nothing!" "I'm not, I'm not!" "Grubbing in the dirt, old poor people there..." "Oh, don't start crying again." "Look, you must have saved a few coins somewhere." "Something?" " No, no." " I did have a treasure." " Yeah?" " I had a big treasure." " Yeah?" " Lovely, I did." " Yes." " I spent it all in one week... among the fleshpots and gambling halls of Port Royal." " Oh, it was a glorious week, that was." " You know what you are?" "You are a 100% total loss." "You're not even a respectable ghost!" "You're a phony!" " Aye?" " A phony!" "Oh, I've run aground." "If you ask me, the guy was stoned." "I say get rid of him." "The police report said they released him for lack of evidence." "It says, "Although the atmosphere at the police station... reeked of cheap rum, the test showed no trace of alcohol in his system."" "Oh, he probably figured some cute way to neutralize the booze." "Pills or something." "Science is doing all kinds of stuff like that these days." "Well, there's a corollary." "It says that Mr Walker spoke loudly to someone in his cell all night long." "Well, there's nothing wrong with that." "It happened there was on one in the cell with him." "So he's either stoned or he's nuts." "Either way, who needs it?" "Professor, I left last night before the auction." "Did you notice anything unusual in Mr Walker's behaviour?" " Yes, I did." " There." "You see?" "When Silky Seymour and his cheap hoodlums scared the daylights out of everyone else... he is the only one that stood up like a man." "Now, wait a minute, Jo Anne." "That's not fair." "If I may remind you, Dean, the Broxton Relays take place next month, and our team needs its coach." " They need Mr Walker." " I still say we ought to saw him off." "This guy's not gonna come up with anything." "Just a minute, Mr Purvis." "Now, we have fielded a team in the Broxton Relays for the past 63 years." "We'll carry on the tradition as best we can with Mr Walker." "Well, I'm sure you won't regret it." " Oh, Professor?" " Yes?" "I realize that your field is child psychology... however I'd appreciate it if you'd keep an informal eye on Mr Walker's behaviour." "Oh, certainly." "It's the least I can do." "Thank you." "Mr Purvis, does it strike you as odd... that sooner or later, all our track coaches seem to crack up?" "I can understand the others, but this one hasn't even seen the team." "Say, why has Fellspahr got his fingers in his ears?" "That's..." " It's on account of the starter, sir." " You mean he's..." "Yes, sir." "Fellspahr is afraid of guns." "Th-The way I figure it, Coach, is we need more time to whip these boys into shape." "You don't suppose they could postpone the Broxton meet, do you?" "No." "Okay, fellas, that's it for today." "Hit the showers." "Right, Coach." "Let's go, fellas!" "You all go now!" "Lots of spirit!" "How fares your day today, eh?" "As if I don't have enough troubles." "For a short, wonderful while there, I thought I'd lost you." "You know where I've been?" "I've been in Godolphin Town... roaming the streets and shores of my young manhood..." " Yeah." " Soaking myself in nostalgia." "I know." "I can smell it!" "And you know, as fate would have it..." "I went down to one of these here gambling establishments..." " by name Silky's Place." " Hey, take off, will you?" " I've got a lot to do." " And I overheard what some of the natives are saying... on this here subject of gambling, see?" " Go away!" "I mean it!" " Now, if there's been one abiding passion in my life... it's been the pleasure of gold or silver coin upon a wager." "So when I heard that I could get 40 or..." "listen to this... 50 to 1... on the forthcoming enterprise of your young rabbits..." " Ooh, with all that..." " What?" "You want your lads to win, don't you?" "I can teach you how to do it." " Forget it!" " Why should I?" "I was a good hand at teaching young crews." "'Twas no accident, by thunder, I was known as the finest pirate... ever to sail the Spanish Main." "Or the Portugee Main either, for that matter." "Now you'll be asking yourself with some impatience, "Why was this?"" "I'll tell you why." "I trained my men to win!" "Win!" "Always win!" "By fair means or foul, by soft words and hard deeds... by treachery, by cunning, by malpractice... but always win." "You mean you have the unmitigated brass to ask me to let you train my team?" "I'm not doing this for myself, believe me." "No." "I'm doing this for those dear, sweet old ladies." " Oh, yeah?" " Yes, I am." "The little lavender-scented ladies, I like to call them... that stagger up their rickety staircases of the night... their lanterns held aloft when the lights got too bad for knitting by... and say to one another, "Ellen, where is our ship?"" "Of which Blackbeard is captain." ""And which may never now come to port at all."" "Never mind the snow job!" "I feel just as sorry for those old women as you do, but that doesn't..." " No." " Yes, I do." "That doesn't give you leave to put your bloody paws onto my team." "Now, you stay away from those boys, you understand me?" "If we win anything, which I doubt, we're gonna do it without cheating." "Without cheating?" "Ha-ha!" "You've never lived, boy." "You don't know what life is like." "Just go away!" "Go maroon yourself somewhere, will ya?" " Let me help you." " Go on!" "Go on!" "You don't know what life is made of!" "Little old things..." "You see?" "There he goes again." "Well, I don't know what his problem is." "But whatever it is, it's a beaut." "I take it your observations so far have been inconclusive." "Well, I can't tell if he's all keyed up over the track meet... or if there are outside pressures we don't know about." "L..." "Well, I just haven't been able to get a close-range view." " Pity." " Oh, I am having dinner with him tonight." "Ah, he asked you to have dinner?" "Well, not exactly." "I asked him." "Do you think that's wise?" "Well, it's entirely within my discretionary power... as head of the committee to welcome new faculty and students to Godolphin College." "Professor Baker, we don't have any such committee." " Well, we do now." " Oh." "Oh, yes." "Hello, Professor." "Nice to see you." "Mr Walker, so we meet again." " Looks that way." " Tell you what." "Let me buy you a good lobster dinner." "Afterwards, we'll drop into the back rooms and have a whirl at lady luck, huh?" "Well, thank you, but, well, that's not likely." "Suit yourself." "There's no harm in asking, is there?" "Leon, these are friends of mine." "See that they get a nice table." "Yes, sir." "This way, please." "Enjoy your dinner." " What's he doing here?" " Mr Seymour owns this place." "I'm sorry, but it's the best restaurant in town." "How's the action?" "I can't tell you how much I appreciate this." " Appreciate what?" " Your suggesting dinner tonight." "That's perfectly all right." "The committee stands ready... to advise, counsel, and extend a helping hand to the newcomer at all times." "Yes, that's very nice." "Actually, I do need someone I can talk to." "I've had a problem for a couple of weeks now... and I've been afraid to talk to somebody because... they might think I was silly." " Well, please go on." " Thank you." "You see, it started the night of the auction." "I sat down on the bed to remove my shoes." "I was tired." "I wasn't paying too much attention to what I was doing... and I sat right down on that antique bed warmer." " I broke the handle right off." " Oh, well, you mustn't let that bother you." " Oh, no, it wasn't that." " No, l-I think I have th-the address... of a little shop down on Main Street where we can get it fixed." "No, Professor, wait a minute." "Wow!" "What's the matter?" "Aren't you afraid to carry all that around with you?" "Oh, well, I'm..." "I hate to leave it in the apartment." "I'm-I'm taking it to the bank in the morning." "It belongs to the Daughters of the Buccaneers." "Oh, oh, yeah." "The little old ladies and their mortgage." "I hope they're gonna make it." "Mr Walker, this is only $900." "Unless $37,000 or a miracle, preferably both... turn up by tomorrow night, midnight, those little ladies are gonna lose their home." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "Say, uh, can't you borrow the money from the bank?" "Well, not at the moment, but, uh, then we were talking about your problem." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, my problem." " Mr Walker?" " Yeah?" " Are we looking for somebody?" " Yes, my problem." "Look, I know your first inclination is gonna be... boy, is gonna be not to believe this." " Hear me out, please." " Certainly." "Well, as I said, it was the night of the auction." " When I sat down on my bed warmer, that's when he first appeared." " He?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "It was because of him I spent the first night in jail..." " and I haven't been able to get him off my back yet." " Well, is, uh, is he here now?" "No, no, no, no." "I don't see him around now." " But I smell him." " Smell him?" "Yes, he's got a breath that would stun a horse." "He's a booze-guzzling old cutthroat, and he's latched onto me as his buddy-buddy." "Well, uh, does he have a name?" "Well, I mean, who does he claim to be?" "Blackbeard's ghost." " Blackbeard's ghost?" " Yeah." "Well, how can you be sure he's the real Blackbeard's ghost, the ghost of Captain Teach?" "Well, you ought to see him." "He's got whiskers, he's got a cutlass, he's got the whole bit." " That must be who I saw you talking to today." " Yes, yes, yes." "That's what I've been afraid to tell anybody." "I mean, they'd think I was nuts." "Oh, well, I don't think anybody would think that." "But you certainly do have a problem." " I've got a problem." "I've got a problem." " Oh, yes, you..." " Will you order now, sir?" " Uh, yes, yes, thank you." " Madame." " Oh, thank you." "Our shore dinners are very good this evening, sir." "Well, that sounds... sounds good to me." "How about you, Professor?" " Oh, the shore dinners are excellent." "Yeah, that's fine." " Fine, fine." "Uh, two shore dinners." "Very good, sir." "Now, would you like our special dressing on your salads?" " That's fine." " Thank you." " Oh, please, go on." " Oh." "Oh, are you sure you want me to?" " I mean, I don't want to bug somebody else with my problems." " Oh, no, no." "I want to hear." " Okay." " Uh, you were telling me how you first met Captain Blackbeard." "Right." " Where was I?" " Well, you were sitting on your antique bed warmer." "Right." "The handle broke right off." "Do you know it turned out to be hollow?" "I thought nothing of it for a moment, then I noticed... there was something rolled up inside..." "a dusty old paper." "I thought it was gonna fall apart right in my hands." "It gave me kind of a funny feeling." "Oh!" "Oh, you poor man." " Waiter, did you hurt yourself?" " I'm so sorry." " Oh, that's quite all right." "It's just a little water." " No harm done." " Will madame please forgive me?" " Certainly." " Hi, Danny." " Hi." "You just missed the first race at Green Meadows." "Godolphin... to win..." "Nine hundred dollars." "They're in the starting gate now." "There's the rabbit, and they're off!" "Coming past the grandstand is Pilsen leading the field." " Hello Baby is second..." " Come on, Baby!" "Rainy Weather, third and Daddy Dumpling is fourth." "At the first turn, it's Pilsen by two lengths..." "Rainy Weather moving into second, Hello Baby and Daddy Dumpling." " In the back stretch, it's Pilsen..." " This your bet, Danny?" " Daddy Dumpling is second, coming up." " What do you think I'm standing here for?" "Rainy Weather is fading." "Hello Baby is fading." " I hope you know what you're doin'." " Let me worry about that, will ya?" " It's Pilsen..." " Be right back." "Hello Baby." "Oh, Mr Seymour, take a look at this." " Godolphin to win?" "Who's the patsy?" " Danny Oley." "Okay?" "Listen, his money's as good as anybody else's." " Uh, what price are you making?" " On this one?" "Anything." "For an old customer like Danny, let's make it interesting... say, 50 to 1." "At the three-quarter pole, it's Daddy Dumpling." "Aunt Pavla is second." "Pilsen is third." "Dandy Andy moving into fourth." " It's Daddy Dumpling..." " Okay, Danny." "Into the stretch it's Dandy Andy and Aunt Pavla..." "Daddy Dumpling and Snow Queen." "At the finish, it's Snow Queen, Aunt Pavla and Daddy Dumpling." "Winsome Lass to win in the second." " What's the matter?" " You just made a bet." "Something closing in on you, Pops?" "This is my bet." " Fifty on Winsome Lass to win." " Danny, don't you remember?" "You bet Godolphin $900 to win the Broxton Relay." "I bet..." "Come on, will ya?" "I wouldn't bet on Godolphin to start with the letter "G."" "Well, skipping all the-the technical language and getting down to the point, uh... l-I would say, if you'll ignore him, he'll go away." "And may I tell you something?" "He's not so easy to ignore." "Oh, please try." "I know you can do it." "You know, Professor, sitting..." "sitting here with you like this..." "I almost believe you're right." " I will try." " Bravo!" "Now just say, "Farewell, Blackbeard." "Bother me no more."" "Farewell, Blackbeard." "Bother me no more." "I like the sound of that." "But just in case that it doesn't work, may I feel free to call on you at any time?" "Somehow, you give me a feeling of security." "Oh." "Well, certainly." "L..." "Well, there's no point in being the head of a committee... unless you intend to do your job properly." " How true." " Yeah." "Oh, no." "Sorry about the ice cream, madame." "Oh, it's quite all right... but, uh, I think I'll skip dessert." "Yeah, yeah." "Uh, just the check, please." " Here we are." "Uh, keep the change." " Thank you." "Shall we?" " Oh." " Come along." " Excuse me." " Good night." " Good night, madame." " Good night now." " Thank you." "Uh, good night, ma'am." "Good night, sir." " Good night." " Good night." "How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?" "Mel Willis here." "And welcome to Sports Spectacular... coming to you this week from Broxton Field... home of the famous national track and field event... the Broxton Invitational Relays." "Now, as you sports fans know... there are some four college teams represented here tonight." "At least three of these squads are numbered among the outstanding teams in the nation." "As for the fourth, little Godolphin College from across the river..." "Well, in the old days, the Godolphin track squad took a back seat to no one." "They had a great tradition." "But those good old days seem to be gone forever." "I want you to look at this event not as an ordinary track meet... but as a preparation for life." "Now, some of you are gonna be graduating soon." "You're gonna find the world out there full of nothing but trouble... frustration and..." "and strife." "And I tell you right now that nowhere will you find a better preparation... for that world outside than to be a member of this particular track team." "All right, it's time to go." "But I want you to know, no matter what happens out there tonight... in my heart, each and every one of you is a champion." "Let's go!" "Oh, pardon me, Professor." "Oh, Jo Anne." "Nice of you to come." "We can use all the good wishes we can get." "Well, I certainly do wish you and your team good luck." " However, that is not why I'm here." " Oh." "You may recall that, uh, last night I placed the sum of $900 in my bag... and when I opened it this morning..." "I found this in its place." ""$900 on Godolphin." Jo Anne..." "I appreciate the gesture of confidence, but you shouldn't have done it." "Mr Walker, in the first place, I do not bet." "And in the second place, if I did, I certainly would not embezzle funds... that have been placed in my trust to do it." "Well, then how did it happen?" "Well, I believe you were the only person to know that I had that money in my purse." "It's that rotten pirate." "He did it!" "Can you imagine, taking money meant for those little old ladies?" " Well, someone took it." " Now I remember." "Now I..." "Your purse went off..." "You don't think I did it, do you?" "Well, you can't expect me to credit that story." "Well, Jo Anne, that's exactly what happened!" "Besides, didn't you say you believed in the pirate?" "Well, not $900 worth!" "Besides, I believe in him as..." "as a-a metaphysical image... not some stupid, sticky-fingered goop." "Well, that's exactly what he is!" " Hurry up, Coach." "It's beginning." " I'll be right there." " Okay." " Mr. Walker, l-I shan't bother you any more." "I want you to know that I understand perfectly." "Your motives were good, even though your reasoning was perfectly idiotic!" "With the captain and the bottle" "You regard me strangely, son." "Something amiss?" " You took that money." " Money?" "Money." "Oh, the odd flimsy I removed from the purse of your, uh, bookish wench." "Why should that stir your ire?" "Because it belongs to the little old ladies!" "Now, lookee here." "You know as well as I do I replaced that money with a piece of paper... what will bring great wealth to them small old ladies." "Money in fifty-fold!" "Oh, I can't trust no one." " I'll deal with this matter personally." " Wait a minute." "Just how do you figure to do that?" "By bringing a victory in this sport event... which is taking place out there this moment." " Aha!" "I told you once to keep..." "Give me that rubbing alcohol!" " Hey!" "Oh!" " That's a dangerous move, me hearty." " That's not to drink, you idiot!" " What are you trying to do, kill yourself?" " Little late to think about that, isn't it?" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Let's get one thing straight between you and me right now." "You're to keep your grubby paws off of my boys." "You understand that?" "I don't know what you're trying to do out there, but you are not gonna do it." "My team may not win out there, but whatever they do... they're gonna do it honestly." "Come on, Coach, will ya?" "We've come in last in two events already." "Hands off." "You got that?" ""Come on, Coach, will ya?" "We've come in last in two events already."" "Another bean rake." "All right, play it whatever way you like, ya puppy." "Get no help from me." "You'll come crawlin' back, you will." "I'll bring my boot to you, and I'll grind your mealy-mouthed jib... into the dirt!" "I will." "Ladies and gentlemen, it's going just about as I predicted." "Broxton has won the first three events, followed by Tidewater Tech and State... and lastly, little Godolphin College... which has not scored a single point... nor, in my humble opinion, seems likely to." "The discus throw." "LJ Sewell of Broxton College, the first contestant." "Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like a new meet record!" "In the discus throw, Sewell of Broxton College... 210 feet and 11 inches." "Now, you're gonna do fine, Bagwell." "Just remember to let go on the second turn, huh?" " Let go, second turn." "Right, Coach." " Okay." "Bagwell of Godolphin College ready on the discus throw." "Oh, how I dread this." "Let go!" "Bagwell, let go of the discus!" " Bagwell of Godolphin College fouls." " You know, Dean, this whole thing bugs me." "You take the profits made by my football boys, then go right out and blow it... on sweat socks and stuff for this crummy team." " Excuse me." " Would you be good enough to spare me your usual soliloquy on sweat socks?" "Mr Seymour, may I speak with you for a moment, please?" "Why, certainly, Professor, anytime." "Run along, fellas." "Now, Professor, what can I do for you?" "Well, yesterday, uh..." "I shan't explain how, but... $900 belonging to the Daughters of the Buccaneers... was bet on Godolphin." "Say, now." "So the bet was all your doing, huh?" "Well, I..." "I was wondering... if you would be kind enough to cancel the bet and give us back the money?" "Professor, as you know, I'm a man of principle." "And man and boy, my guiding principle has always been a bet's a bet." "But look at those poor old ladies." "What's gonna happen to them?" "You know they have nowhere to go." "I've been thinking about those dear old girls... living in that drafty inn, working their fingers to the bone... living from hand to mouth... cluttering up that valuable piece of real estate." "Now, do they know about this?" "Of course not." "I wouldn't dare raise false hopes." "Then you won't give it back?" "Sweetness, what do you take me for?" "Oh, Professor, you'd better hold onto this." "That may become very valuable someday." "I know your sort." "Ready for the start of the mile run." "Contestants will take their positions." "My great, great granddaughters." "By thunder!" "There be a time for action!" "Old ladies, Blackbeard's coming." "Up the Jolly Roger!" "Well, let's see where we stand now." "The mile run is in its second lap." "Leading at the moment is Broxton." "Over at the high jump, Shockley of Godolphin." " What was that?" " Unusual jumping style there." "Hey, Coach, Shockley just cleared 6' 11 "!" " Our Shockley?" " And they're trying for seven feet!" "Shockley of Godolphin jumping." " He clears the bar at seven feet." " Great stuff, Coach." "Where did you find him?" "Well, we never know, do we?" "It only proves that nothing is certain in the world of..." "Just a moment." "Here's the final lap of the mile run coming around now." " Where did you find him, Coach?" " Get out of there!" "Excuse me." " You idiot!" "Get off the track!" " What's going on over here?" "Hey, fella, come back here!" "I don't need these, of course, but just for a moment there... it looked as though they were running backward." " Come on back!" " They are." "Keep going!" "Keep going!" "Come join the mollies dance, lad!" "'Twill raise your reedy spirits." "I'm telling you to get off this field... right now!" "If you ask me, he makes a better pom-pom girl than he does a coach." "It's Chulay of Godolphin, ready with thejavelin throw." " Stop!" "Stop!" " Where do you think you're going, Coach?" "270 feet, 4 inches for Chulay of Godolphin." "The shot put event." "Wilkins of Broxton College, the first contestant." "What do you mean, you want to enter a protest?" "Didn't you win those last three events?" "That's just the point." "It wasn't us, it was..." "Look." "Now, look." "Look." "He's at it again." "Okay, I'm looking." "Wilkins, a little off form tonight." "That comes to 5 feet, 11 inches." "Now, did you see that?" "Okay, he flubbed one." "What's the big problem?" "And now, Gudger Larkin of Godolphin is ready with his effort." "It's really not much of a..." "It seems to be coming this way." "Impossible." "72 feet, 3 inches..." "a new shot put record for Larkin." "Excuse me, but I have to see some sweet old ladies about a bet." "Godolphin to win?" "Have you gone out of your mind?" "Not yet, but the evening's still young." "Mr Seymour!" " Why don't you stop your babbling and get out of here?" " Well, if you'd just listen to what I have to say." " We're under pressure too!" " The pole vault bar is set at 17 feet, 5 inches." "First contestant, Carson of Broxton College." " I knew he'd go too far!" " Nail him!" "Mr. Walker, one more disturbance, you'll be ruled off the field entirely." " Now, is that clear?" " Second contestant on the pole vault." "Neilson of Godolphin College... sets a new record of 17 feet, 5 inches in the pole vault." " Go, Godolphin, go!" " I never saw you get this excited at a football game." "Yea, Godolphin!" "May I tell you something, Mr Purvis?" "Yea, Godolphin!" "Go!" "I hate football." "Yea, Godolphin!" "I've always hated football!" "Go, go, go!" "Well, lad, what do you think of your old matey now, eh?" "They could hang me for what I think of you know!" "Didn't I tell you... to keep your hands off of my boys?" "Oh, you do, do you?" "Well, let me simply say you are the lowest, most underhanded... miserable excuse for what used to be a human being that's ever been my misfortune... to be in any shape, way or form connected with!" " I thought I was helping you." " Helping?" "Well, that's a yuck for ya!" "Didn't you say yourself that if I helped them old ladies... that that would contribute towards me own salvation?" "You haven't helped them." "You haven't helped anybody." "Haven't helped anybody?" "I perceive now how difficult it is... to do a good deed in this dirty world." "Just go away." "Just go away." "Just get out of my life." " No, no, no." " You mean nothing but trouble." "You mean..." "I can see now... why the very mention of your name used to give everybody the creeps." "Well, I'm gonna find a comfortable place." "I'm gonna rest there, somewhere." " And I'm gonna stay out of your affairs." " Great, great." "That's the best news I've had in years." "Go disappear yourself." "I'm gonna disappear myself, that's what I'm gonna do." "Mr Sanctimonious Scupperlout!" "Sink me if I raise so much as a finger to help you in the future." "I'd rather spend a winter of eternities in limbo... than knock knees a tick longer... with a nit like you." " There, I've said it." " The final event of the evening, the relay races, are about to begin." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I had to do that." "You see what he's trying to do, don't you?" "Hmm?" "Well, the rotten pirate wants to make me as-as crooked as he is." "Well, I don't buy it." "I'm standing on my principles." "Why, sure, Coach." "Where'd any of us be without our principles?" "You betcha." "You betcha." "Tiny Godolphin College, perennial underdog for two decades... has come back with the biggest bang you've ever seen." "Coach Walker of Godolphin, the man of the hour." "Throwing in an attack of dazzling new techniques... his inspired team of star performers... has slashed its way up into a tie with Broxton." "Now victory hangs in the balance as we come to the final event of the evening." "The question..." "What is going to happen as Godolphin faces..." "Broxton's mighty relay team?" "Gentlemen, take your marks." "Set." "Come on, Broxton!" "Run, you punk!" "Go, Godolphin!" "Come on, team!" "Come on, team!" "Yea!" "At we come to the end of the first lap in this crucial race... the first three runners are closely bunched." "Now they pass the baton for the start of the second lap." "It's Broxton first, Tidewater second, State third..." "Yes, and there's the Godolphin man, labouring along in the rear." "Easy now, Coach." "You're tensing up again." "Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at him that way." "I mean, how's a poor, dumb pirate supposed to know what principles are, huh?" "But I do." "I've gotta shave this face every morning." " I know, Coach." "I shave too." " You bet you do." "You gotta look at yourself." "You've gotta live with yourself." " I gotta go with my principles." " Sure, Coach." "You do that." " I will, I will." "Well, folks, it's just about all over but the shouting." "Middle of the second lap, Broxton is already half a lap ahead of Godolphin." "Do we win something for fourth place?" "I'm afraid not." "You see those little old ladies up there?" "Well, I'm gonna let those little old ladies get tossed right out on their ear." " How's that for a principle?" " Well..." "Beginning the third lap, Broxton is in first place... followed in order by Tidewater, State and Godolphin." "Who says you can't win 'em all?" "Come on." "Let's get out of this folk festival." "Look at Silky and his boys." "All they wanna do is squeeze every loose nickel out of this county." "Well, just because I have a chance to cut their water off doesn't mean..." "I have to get mixed up in it, does it?" "Well, don't just sit there now, you coldhearted creep!" "Yes, you!" "Get up!" "Do something!" "Oh, don't give me that!" "I know you can hear me!" "What are you going to do about them?" "Your own kith and kin!" "So, Bob, you gonna let 'em get pushed around because of my principles?" "Don't you have any pride?" "Come on!" "You started it." "Finish it." "Come on!" "Move it!" "Someday I'm gonna strangle him." "Come on!" "Hurry!" " Pour it on!" " Hurry up!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "As we approach the last lap, Dewey of Broxton is well in the lead." "He passes the baton to..." "No, he didn't." "He still has it." "The Broxton anchor man is running the last lap... with a hot dog?" "Tidewater makes their pass." "State makes their pass, and..." "I believe, yes... the State anchor man seems to have a bottle of..." "The Godolphin man, who was half a lap behind, approaches the passing zone." "Come on, Godolphin!" " Come on!" " Ahoy, there!" "A perfect change!" "Friends, Gudger Larkin of Godolphin... is the only one of the four anchor men to have completed a clean pass." "Now he streaks past the other contestants... who are on their way back to retrieve their batons!" "We seem to have a slight hang-up in the passing zone." "Dewey of State has got a hold of Broxton's baton." "Let's check that." "No, it's the hot dog." "Carver of Broxton... a real head's-up performer, has got a hold of two batons." "No!" "One is snatched away by Wilson of Tidewater!" "Come on, Broxton, stop foolin' around!" "Gudger Larkin has taken advantage of the rhubarb... and has forged almost a third of a lap ahead of the field." "Catch 'em!" "Catch 'em!" " Come on!" " Gudger Larkin of Godolphin is still in front... but he's beginning to run out of gas and the others are hot on his heels!" "Stop him!" "Stop him!" "Not that, you meathead!" "Go, Godolphin, go!" "Get up." "Get up!" "Get up, Gudger!" "Get up!" "A one-of-a-kind relay team." "Get away from me, you old bats!" "We-We won!" "We won all 45,000 lovely smackeroos!" "We won!" "Technically, maybe we won, but actually..." " You did it, boy!" "You did it!" "Brilliant work!" " Sir, I think when you hear what I have to say..." "Say?" "What is there to say?" "The scoreboard says it all!" "We thank you, we thank you, we thank you, we thank you!" "No rough stuff, old ladies." "You be nice to him." " Miss Stowecroft?" " Oh, Professor, we're so happy." "Mr Ainsworth from the bank is coming over, and you can give him the money." "And at the stroke of midnight, we'd like Mr Walker to have the honour of burning the mortgage." " He's done so much for us." " Well, where is Mr Walker, who's done so much for us?" "Well, I believe he's up in his room." " Is anything wrong?" " Excuse me." "But why go now?" "I mean, the lads have triumphed." "The wager's won." "Your wench is happy." "There's enough money set aside for the old ladies." "I fail to divine your reason for leaving." " Well, don't strain your brain." " Furthermore, when the mortgage... is consigned to the flames tonight, there is a very good chance... the horrible curse may be lifted off my good self... in which case you may be able to settle down to a serene... albeit somewhat dull..." "life without me." "Look, frizzface, you think I can stay around here... after what happened out there tonight?" "What am I supposed to do for an encore?" "No, I'm bailing out." "I've got to go somewhere..." "I can make a fresh start..." "honestly, this time." "Very well." "It be no concern of mine." "I just think it may be a little early for you to be striking your colours!" "Stri..." "Come in!" "Oh." "Hi." " Where are you going?" " I'm leaving." "After taking my money and-and stirring everything up... you're running off and leaving us in a lurch?" " No, you don't!" " What are you squawking about?" "You got it back, didn't you?" "No, I didn't." "Silky welshed on the bet." " He what?" " Well, he..." "He just laughed and said he wasn't gonna pay off." "He's throwing Miss Stowecroft and the others out first thing in the morning." "Under normal conditions, if I can remember such a time..." "I have a sweet and a loveable nature." " Well, you-you know what I think?" " If I may proffer a suggestion..." "Shut up!" "Both of you!" " Both of who?" " I am sick and tired... of people thinking and suggesting and giving me a lot of cheap advice." "What I am gonna do, I am gonna find that happy hoodlum... and I am gonna wring that money out of his crooked little neck!" " Steve-Steve, you can't, not in your condition." " What condition?" "Well, anyone can see you're hallucinating again." "Steve, you can't fight Silky and his men." "She's right, son." "This be a job what takes innards." "Innards?" "Oh, well, you just sit here and contemplate yours." " I've got a job to do." " Permission to come with you, sir?" "Oh, no, buddy boy." "No more of your big ideas." " I'm calling the shots this time." " Proud to serve under you, sir." "You mean that?" "My word, sir, is the ultimate warranty." "All right, shipmate, let's go!" " Make ready the boarding party, Captain." " Thank ye, Admiral." "Cutlass." "You might need that." "Uh-huh." "What?" "Oh, it's on the bed." "Oh, Steve." "You really have flipped." "Beat, two quarters, drummer boy." "Come cheer up, my lads" "'Tis to glory we steer" "With heads bearing high We will banish all fear" "To honour we call You are free men, not slaves" " Free men!" " For who are more free than the sons of the waves" "Hearts of oak are our ships" "Jolly tars are our men Eyes right!" "We'll always be ready" " Steady, boys, steady" " Steady!" " We'll fight and we'll conquer" " We'll conquer!" "Again and again Together now!" " Hearts of oak are our ships Jolly tars are our men" " Steve!" " We'll always be ready Steady, boys, steady" " Steve, wait!" "I'm not letting you go to that place alone." "Hearts of oak are our ships Jolly tars are our men" "We'll always be ready Steady, boys, steady" "We'll fight and we'll conquer again and again" "Once more, lad." "Sing out." "Don't mumble!" "Come cheer up, my lads" "'Tis to glory we steer" "With heads bearing high we will banish all fear" " Steve, wait!" " To honour we call" "You are free men, not slaves" "For who are so free as the sons of the waves" "Hearts of oak are our ships Jolly tars are our men" "We'll always be ready Steady, boys, steady" "We'll fight and we'll conquer again and again" " Oh, you again?" " We'd like to see Mr Seymour." "Look, sister, I'm telling you once and for all..." "Mr Seymour don't wanna see..." "Come on." "I'll be with you in a minute." "Now, what can I do for you?" "We're here to collect the money you owe Professor Baker." "The money I owe her?" "You gotta be kidding." "Mr Seymour, you're gonna pay every cent of that money, or I..." "Or what, Mr Walker?" "Or we might have to get tough." "Now, do I get some action, or don't I?" "Mr Walker, I have got to admire your style." "I really do." "I'll tell you what." "You know, there's no use beating up a guy who's the town hero tonight." "It's bad for my image." "You know what I mean?" "Professor... here's the $900 you put down on the bet." " Go ahead, take it." " Oh, no!" "You know very well we need the full amount you rightfully owe us." "Professor, let me level with you." "If I pay you back all that loot, then you'll give it to the old ladies... who'll pay back the bank, right?" "And bingo, there goes my childhood dream... namely, running one of those class gambling joints... like they have out west." "I'm sorry, no dice." "But I'll tell you what." "We have a very nice roulette wheel here." "Why don't you forget this phony bet?" "Take the $900." "Go out there and win some money honestly." "I'll guarantee you, sweetie, you'll sleep a lot better tonight." "Mr Seymour, come up with the full amount, or I'm gonna take this place apart." " Yeah?" " You have exactly 15 seconds..." "What?" "I said, take the money, lad." "Let the wench try her luck." "Let her what?" "Suppose she loses?" "You sure it'll work?" " Okay." "We'll take it." " What?" "We most certainly will not take it!" "Mr Seymour has made a very meritorious suggestion." "You know, Mr Walker, I do not understand you." "One minute, you are a-a-a knight in shining armour." " And the next minute, you are a..." " Well, we all make mistakes, right, Mr Seymour?" "Mr Walker, it's a smart man who knows when to crawfish." "Come along." "I'll show you to a nice, quiet room... reserved for our more valued-type customers." " But I don't know how to gamble." " This is a good place to learn." "Harry, these are friends of mine." "Take good care of them, will ya?" " Okay, Mr Seymour." " Good luck, folks." " Uh, $900 worth, please." " Yes, sir." "Now, don't worry about a thing." "Just let me handle this." "I'll take the chips, please." "Yellows are a dollar... the reds are five... the blues are 25, the whites 100." " Don't you have any 50-cent chips?" " Not in this room, lady." " Make your bets, please." " It's 28 minutes to midnight." "Now hurry up." " Oh!" "Oh, 29 is a good number." " No, no, no, no." "Bet 'em all." " We don't have time to fool around." " Mr Walker, are you trying to lose my $900 from me again?" "No more bets, please." "The number is 31." "Oh, that's not my numb..." " Oh, how nice." " Make your bets, please." "Ride, ride." "Let it ride." "Let the whole thing ride." " Oh." " No, no." "You can't win that way." "Put it on one number." "Would you please just let me do it my way?" "No more bets, please." "Number 32." "And we ha..." "And we have $36 on number 32?" " I won!" "I won!" "I told you I had a talent for this." " Okay, okay." " Pay me!" "Pay me!" " 35 times 36..." "Evening, folks." " What goes on here?" " You tell me." "We're doing fine." "We're doing just great." "Now let's see." " Let's put 'em all on..." " No, no." "Don't tell me!" "Let me do it!" " No, let me try one!" " Steve, have you ever played this game before?" " No, but I can tell ya..." "Then leave my chips alone, because I have a system." " A system?" "What system?" " Woman's intuition." "That's what." " Will you put 'em all on one number." " No!" "Steve!" " All right?" "Don't you understand?" "Time's running out." "Spin the wheel, please." "Watch the board." "Whatever happens, watch those chips on the board." "One more like that and we're home." "35 times 36..." "Well, now we let it ride." " Don't fool with it any more." "Go to the gaff." " Gotcha." " Would you spin the wheel, please?" " Yes, ma'am." "Everything rides on number 20." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, we did it!" "We did it!" " What?" " Number 15." "So very sorry, ma'am." "You know what I think?" "I think this is a stupid game." "I don't understand." "Something must have gone wrong." "I'll say something went wrong." "We lost almost everything." "All right." "Don't panic." "Relax, relax." "We've still got half of the chips we won the first time." "Scurvy cheat." "Look, put 'em all down." "Put all the chips down." "If we put all the chips we've got left onto one number... and it comes up..." " Yeah." "We're still in business." " Make your bets, please." " The only question is..." " The only question is, what if it doesn't come up?" "Don't worry." "Everything is go, all on 11." " Steve, that's all we have!" " No more bets, please." "Everything goes on 11." "Relax." "We did it!" "We did it!" " We won!" "We won!" " Yeah, we did great." "Now, come on." "We got enough." "Enough?" "Enough?" "What?" "Are you out of your mind?" "We're on a winning streak!" "Think of those dear old ladies!" "Think of what we could buy them." "We could buy them warm coats and cars and polo ponies." "Are you kidding?" "We gotta get out of here." "We barely have time to make it." " Hey, pay up, will you?" " Wait." "Let me place one-one more." " Pay up." "We're in a very big hurry." " A small bet. $ 100?" "Maybe 20... 25?" " Hey, fella." "Hey." " A dollar." "A dollar." "Pay up, yes." " 36,000." " 36,000." " 37,000." " 37,000." " 38,000." " 38,000." " That's enough." " We thank you, the Daughters of the Buccaneers thank you, and good night." " Enough?" " Let's go." " There's still more." "Maybe we should take it for good luck." "Not yet." "I just put down a new carpet." " I hear you've done very well." " Not bad." "May I see?" "Please." "My, my." "That's very nice, indeed." "I'm very happy for you." "See?" "You made out all right." "You took Silky's advice, right?" "Now, why don't you take Silky's advice again and let me keep this for you?" " No, you don't." " You know, this is an awful lot of bread... for you to be carrying around here, honey." "This is a very dangerous neighbourhood." "Okay, Professor, give me the bag." "I've been very patient with both of you and very civilized." "Okay, boys." "Go on over there, Jo Anne." "Go on." "Make with the muscle." "All right, boys, make your play." "Missed me." "What's the matter with you?" "Get up and get him!" "And now for Mr Seymour." " Steve!" " Get his guns!" "Get-Get the gun!" " Steve!" " Shoot him!" "Shoot him!" " I shot him." " Don't point that thing over here!" " All ashore what's going ashore!" " Come on!" "Steve!" "Oh, quite nice, lad, yes." " There's a boat down here." "Come on." " Proceed, lad." "I'll just tidy up bit." "Have fun." "Help!" "Help!" "Come on." "Stop fooling around!" "Get him any way you can!" "Got any idea who we're fighting?" "It ain't "who' I'm worried about, it's "what."" "Are we winning, Mr Seymour?" " Who-Who's that?" " It's me, stupid." " It's around here someplace." " Yeah, well, if you think that thing scares me..." "Stop 'em!" "Stop..." "Can't you give us just a little more time?" "I'm very sorry, ladies, but I'm always precise in these matters." "According to the terms of this document... unless you produce the required payment at midnight of this date... which is just 11 seconds from now..." "Eight, seven... six..." "Thank you, Mr Ainsworth." "It's a pleasure to do business with you." "Mr Walker, this is the moment that most of us... have been waiting for all our lives." "Will you burn the mortgage?" "Miss Stowecroft, thank you very much, but that honour's not for me." "L..." "Knock their heads together" "Here comes the fella you really should thank." "A green-eyed maiden too And a green-eyed maiden too" "Knock them in the head and drop them in the river" "With a green-eyed maiden and a..." "Oh, no, she said Oh, yes, I said" "Oh, no, you don't again She said" "Hello, old buddy." "I'm glad to see you." "Ladies, all of you repeat after me, please." "You too." "Allow me to present your real benefactor." "Captain Blackbeard!" "My respects, ma'am." "Good ladies, your welcome has touched me deeply." "Loathe as I am to play the gallant..." "I am bound to say... that I've never beheld a concourse of fair creatures... which has stirred me more." "Oh, yes." "Thank ye for your esteem." "Thank ye." "And yet you cannot know what it has been like for a person of my disposition... to have been still of tongue, to have had no one to talk to... for 200 accursed and dusty years." "Yet now, my voice is heard once again." "Oh, I do thank you." "Yet stay." "It is not my wish... as a person... as generous as my good self... to seek to take the lion's share of the glory." "No, no." "Oh, no." "This young... rooster, my good friend... he played a modest part... in your delivery from disaster." " Well, I'd only..." " Not now, son." "Our heart is too full to hear more." "Now, if I might have that vile document." "Aldetha... the time is here." "I go now... to a distant... and I hope, hospitable shore." "I beg of you... take notice of this." "I, Edward Teach, captain... affectionately known... as Blackbeard... was not all bad." "Look after this boy." "He needs help." "Fare thee well, lad." " Good-bye, Captain." " We will not meet again." "Beware all wenches." "For he's a jolly good fellow" "He's a jolly good fellow" "He's a jolly good fellow" "And so say all of us" "Share this one amongst you, me beauties." "You know something?" "I think I'm gonna miss the old scoundrel." "You know something?" "I loved you even when I thought you were nuts." "Look!" " Captain, proud to see you again, sir." " Where have you been?" "You're a sight for sore eyes, you are, sir." "Where are we off to now?" "Now, you lazy swabs, stir yourselves!" "Lift anchor." "Shake out the main." "Lively now, or I'll carve your gizzard... and fry it for me supper!"