"Right, run VT, Baz." "All right, Baz?" "Make sure you get the watch in properly, this time." "Right!" "Day 16, shark fishing." "Lindsay, fix that on the boat." "Well, there's some great sharks we've seen off here, lately." "Some mako, porbeagle..." " Horbeatle!" "But, er, sorted." " Gripped!" "Er, it's a bit choppy out there today, Si." "No worries, there." "We've got a sweet little Evinrude twin outboard on the boat and that baby will cut through anything." "OK." "Let's off-shore!" "Nice one." "Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore." "Her lips are warm while yours are cold, release me my darling, let me go!" "Right, Baz, what I'm gonna do is," "I'm gonna keep her pretty tight so..." "Si!" "I'm gonna keep her pretty tight so that sort of pier thing out there..." "And what I'll do is, I'll give a big spurt as I go past... and that should look pretty bloody impressive." "Right!" "Let's go for it." "I feel a bit sick, actually, Si." "My bloody hat's blown off!" "Baz, can you see if you can get it?" "I love roll duty." "I love it." "You can't beat it." "You can't beat it." "Would you like another?" "Sergeant?" "Would you like any scotch eggs, Sarge?" " No, ta'." "'ere, you're a cake man, aren't ya?" "Oh, I love a cake." "Aye, cake." " I'm a pie man." "Pie man?" " Oh, aye I love a pie." "Oh, come on, I 'aven't finished me Tizer!" "All right, lads, let's get 'em!" "Come on!" "Move it!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Get in!" "Mmm." "Arr." "Yes." "Marvellous, isn't it?" "You know, wasn't it?" "Cor!" "First half to die for, you know." "Angles?" "Through-balls?" "Popping up out of nowhere to slot it under the advancing keeper's body?" "Phew!" "All skills learnt in the park?" "You know, small boys?" "Jumpers for goalposts?" "Mmm?" "Secretly rolling the ball in dog's muck and getting your friend to head it?" "Hmm?" "Enduring image, isn't it?" "Enduring smell." "Sadly though, the first half ruined by that ugly, off the ball incident." "Oh, that's the game all over these days." "I mean, you've got to win at all costs." "Ooh, yes, it's the money men, isn't it?" "You know, the "Mister Ten Percenters" running the game?" ""I've got mine, don't worry about his!"" "You know, filthy lucre?" "Phew!" "Yes indeed, Ron." " You know, I mean," "I wonder what Jesus makes of it all." "I beg your pardon?" "Well, you know, he's gutted, isn't he?" "You know, he's thrown those money lenders out of the temple, he looks down and sees them take up residence in the Premiership?" "Huh!" "Far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, three and in, showing there willies to each other, isn't it?" "Yes, thank you, Ron." "If we could return to football for a moment." "Football?" "Twenty two grown men chasing a ball round a muddy field?" "Football?" "What's it for?" "Who cares?" "Phh!" "You know." "Hmph!" "Trees, are they the lungs of the planet?" "Is there life on Mars?" "Ziggy played guitar." "Is there any future?" "Is it all over?" "Hard to say, really." "My wife's left me." "Leeds United there, playing extremely well, and we go to Elland Road now." "Aren't mams brilliant?" "They give birth to ya." "You know, they 'ave ya, an' that." "An' then they look after ya, for as long as ya want!" "An' ya don't 'ave to pay 'em, or nowt!" "Fantastic!" "In fact, they pay you." "Pocket money an' that." "Y'know, brilliant." "An' they've got this special magic way of putting your socks on, when they turn 'em 'alf inside out." "Yeah." "I love mams, they're brilliant." "An' they're all different." "Which is brilliant, cos if they all looked the same, you wun't know which 'ouse to go to for your tea!" "Huh!" "That'd be terrible, wun't it?" "Might not be ready at the time ya normally 'ave it." "Dads are all right, but mams are better." "Mams are softer." "An' they smell better." "An' they do the cooking'." "'ave ya seen them new cookers called microwaves?" "Where everything' takes just one minute to cook?" "One minute!" "Your dinner, your snack, your tea even!" "Just one minute!" "Or your breakfast, if ya want." "One minute breakfasts, fantastic!" "Microwaves, brilliant!" "But ya can't put metal in 'em." "I don't know why..." "I fell over!" "Brilliant!" "Hallo, there." "Bob Fleming here." "Excuse me." "Now, we've got a special treat for you on the show today." "I'd like to introduce you to an old friend of mine." "I beg your pardon, Clive Tucker." "Now, Clive's brought in for us today some lovely old carpenters' tools for us to look at." "Er, 'allo Bob." "I must say, it's nice to be 'ere." "Arse!" "It's, it's very nice to have you on, Clive." "Now, perhaps you'd like to tell us a...bit about this particular tool here." "Most certainly." "Now, this is a plane." "An' it was...arse!" "...made in Tiverton, in Devon, about a hundred an' Arse!" "years ago." "Really is a work of heart in itself, there." "You see the superb craftmanship that's gone into that one, can't you?" "Arse!" "It's a beauty, isn't it?" "You know, and, er, ha!" "Well, now, this one here...arse!" "...that's possibly my favourite." "That's a type of hand drill." "Arse..." " Thank you, Clive." "Thank you." "I had a bit of a tickle in my...arse!" "Throat." "Arse!" "All right." "Now we'd like to...arse!" "Arse!" "Sorry, Nick, we're goin' to have to stop there." "I got a slight cough." "That's a bloody shame, that is, that was goin' so well an' all." "I'm not sure we'll be able to do that as well as that again." "Arse!" "I tell you what, I mean, if you just cut out a couple o' my coughs, the rest of it was perfect, wannit?" "Arrrrrrsseee!" "Hi!" "I'm Ed Winchester!" "I really love the Queen Mum." "Y'know, she's so amazin'." "I mean, most old ladies, they're always goin' on about how much things cost, y'know." "Always moaning' the' can't get by on their pensions." "You never 'ear a peep out of 'er, do ya?" "Y'know, an' she's been through loads of world wars, and she's still dead 'appy." "Y'know." "An' you know what's amazin', right?" "She's nearly 'undred, right?" "But she's never let 'erself go." "Y'know, she's always dead done up." "Ya never see 'er out pushing' a shoppin' trolley or owt, do ya?" "Y'know what, right, she's always got a smile for the poor people." "That's what I really like about 'er." "Y'know, she's not afraid o' smiling." "Even though 'er teeth are brown." "Well, what about it, Ted?" "Think the old girl's had her day?" "Ah, no, she'll be fine for a little while yet." "Just needs a little bit o' tinkering'." "Take a look at this here, now." "Ooh!" "Look at your hands, Ted, they're all dirty." "I must be gettin' back to work, sir." "Y-y-yes." "Carry on, Ted." "Seen this, Dave?" "Two tickets to the World Cup Final, all you gotta do is name your all-time English football team." "Right." "No problem." "Gotta be Banks in goal." "Gordon Banks." "Gordon Banks in goal." "Yeah, Gordon Banks in goal." "Right." "An' for me, no doubt whatsoever, 'oddle's gotta be in." "Nah!" "He's a luxury player." "Yeah, yeah." "He's too weak in the tackle, innie?" "Yeah, yeah, we used to call him Wendy." "Yeah, when I say he's gotta be in, he's gotta be out." "I like Hoddle." "Oh, yeah, he's good, yeah." "Erm, maybe on the bench though, eh?" "Nah, you need a batter in midfield." "What about Batty?" "Don't talk silly, he's a thug." "Yeah, he's a mule, innie?" "Yeah." "Yeah, but he din'alf cast a spin at Blackburn, Dave." "D'you know what I mean?" "He's a different player under Dalgleish, innie?" "Oh, come on, you might as well put Vinnie Jones in the team!" "Dave, don't think about it, Dave." "No, no, no, no, no." "Not Vinny Jones, no." "Right, so where are we then?" "Who we got?" "We got Gordon Banks in goal." "Banks, definitely." "Banks, yes." "Right?" "Then I'll go for Adams." "Adams?" "No, Waddle." "Waddle?" "No, Pallister." "Pallister?" "No, front man, terrible idea." "I like Pallister." "Yeah, he's good." "No, he aint!" "No, he's rubbish, innie?" "So, er, what, where are we, then?" "What we got?" "Well, we've got Gordon Banks in goal." "Gordon Banks." "Right." "Gordon Banks in goal." "Right." "Number one." "Definitely." "What about Gascoigne, then?" "Gascoigne?" "Yeah, that big cry-baby." "No." "No, I mean, he's always either injured or sent off, innie?" "Yeah, but he can transform any game he plays in, Dave." "He's a genius, innie?" "Know what I mean?" "He's a one-off." "He's solid." "He's an entertainer." "He's indespensible." "Yeah, yeah, not any more." "He's broken his leg now." "See?" "He's unreliable, innie?" "Right, so Gordon Banks in goal, right?" "Banksy." "Right." "Banks." "Yeah." "What about..." "Bobby Charlton, captain?" "Yes." "Yes!" "Oh!" "Bobby Moore was a good captain." "He was the best, wannie?" "Yeah, all right then..." "Charlton or Bobby Moore as captain..." " Platty's good." "All right, Platt, Charlton or Moore as captain, right?" "Make your mind up, Dave!" "All right, look, we'll start again then, right?" "Right." "Gordon Banks in goal, right?" "Gotta be Banksy." "Definitely Banksy." "Number One shirt," "Gordon Banks." "No problem." "Gordon Banks." "Well, what about Shilton?" "Captain!" "Oi!" "Chumpy!" "Oi!" "Oi!" "Cock-a-jumpy!" "You ain't seen me, right?" "Another day." "Ah don't 'old out much 'ope." "Usual mixture o' bad luck an' despair." "Misery an' frustration." "Piles." "Unluck Alf?" " That's rright." "You've won the pools!" " Blimey!" "Here's a cheque for..." "one million pounds." "Oh, right un, thanks very much!" "One million pounds only." "Don't know why the' write "only" it seems like quite a lot o' money t' me." "Now what?" "Hello, pet." "Can I borrow... a cup o' sugar?" "Ah'm sorry, love, ah've run out." "That's all right, I didn't really want any." "It's you I'm after, you beast." "No!" "Back off!" "Ooh, you lucky boy." "Control yerself!" "No!" "You lucky boy." "You lucky boy." "Aw, gerroff, misses!" "You lucky boy." "Ohhh!" "Ohhh!" "Thank Christ for that." "It were all just a bad dream." "'ere we go." "That's more like it!" "Right, chaps, here's the joke." "Someone's got to run up that gulley, chuck a hand grenade through the slit, and take out that damn pill-box." "Well, I ain't goin'!" "Bollocks to that!" "Don't look at me!" "Oh, come on, chaps!" "Where's your spunk?" "I need someone to run up the gulley, and take out the damn pill-box." "You bloody do it, then!" "Yeah, go on, sir!" "You go!" "Fuck off!" "I suppose we'd better surrender, then." "Yes." "Good idea." "Yeah, I'll buy that." "Yeah." "Who's got the flags?" " I 'ave, sir, it was my turn." "We surrender!" "We surrender!" "We surrender!" "Oh-Oh-Oh!" "'old on!" "They're surrendering too!" "Quick!" "Shoot 'em!" "Republicca presente... totalla bien cantesera..." "Chanel Nine!" "Bono estente." " Bono estente." "Pithie neptua kente nikita nutremos." "Deferelas wavy line spooky tooth." "Hah gutremenos hah bazooka." "Peth-eth-eth-eth-eth-eth keth-eth-eth-eth-eth-eth." "Marhelany no skiritu o milamok yakki da cakehole." "Cilasti." "Messago sponsoro lampa santa." "Beneres?" "Nikko fuerto tippo magico, te "ORGAZMA-gizmo"." "Vo, tidiaka mit fon shoni veronico." "Novello proboscis multo muito kinagrophos." "Tefaselos action-pumpo!" "Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te ORGAZMA-gizmo." ""Orgazma-gizmo!"" "Putra barbarella ni kukos poy umbrella." "Pesky foxes biscuits." "Withenta an eh miscantrepo." " Toto." "Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn." "Fallia-hella fallia-hella fallia-helle fallia-helle Chris Waddle." "Neketeros sporso tepia feteres weekend meterologicos mit Poula." "Hello!" "Classicos de para dos meterology a Valley Portos... scorchio!" "In lea por notra anterior... scorchio!" "E nu como a ta exterior... scorchio!" "Manto Blanco... scorchio!" "Coasta..." "Oh!" "Nimbo cumulos!" "Nimbo cumulos?" "Poula!" "Qui a parl?" "Nyethethes nimbo cumulos!" "Thei!" "Nimbo cumulos." "Emergencia!" "Speciale report!" "Nimbo cumulos an coasta!" "Nimbo cumulos!" "Disastros!" "Emergencia!" "Ruin!" "Nimbo cumulos recordito sola nemo thako republica." "To tutos prato touristicos, "Soy-oy-oy!"" "You'd think they'd never seen a cloud before!" "Oh, we did laugh." "They're even sellin' T-shirts of the cloud." "We bought one each, meself an' Roy." "Oh, I said to Roy, "I don't know whether they'll wash well."" "What did I say, Roy?" "I don't know if they'll wash well." "An' next thing this film crew, arrived, so I went up to this foreign man, I said," ""Hello!" "We're from England, in the United Kingdom."" "I said, "Could we be in your film?" "We've seen loads o' clouds."" "What did I say, Roy?" "We've seen loads o' clouds." "Well, I said, we are experts, meself an' Roy." "But the foreign man said, "Could you go away, we're trying to film"." "What did he say, Roy?" "Meth-eth-eth-eth-eth-eth peth-eth-eth-eth-eth-eth." "Stop showing' off." "Roy." "Hi!" "I'm Ed Winchester." "Cucubaris meteorologicos." "Bighardia." "Tragedia." "Nimbo cumulos." "Heth-eth-eth-eth-eth peth-eth-eth-eth-eth." "Sorry, hang on, hang on, hang on." "Hang on, sorry." "Woss matter?" "Woss matter?" "Is there a problem?" "Well, actually, yes." "I was, like..." "What?" "...doing my song and now these people are here, and they... sound horrible." "Nah, we thought, y'know, it might 'elp the song a bit." "What d'you mean it..." "Baz!" "You know, it's like, lacking' summink, innit?" "What d'you mean, "it's lacking something"?" "I wrote that song myself." "Yeah-oh-oh-that's awwight, but it just needs summink, y'know, a little summink else." "But..." "An' we thought we'd, y'know, a bit along o' this." "But the sound it's just horrible." "I'm just not happy." "Well, ya don't like it?" "No, I don't like it." "Well, why don't you go then, right?" "An' we'll just stick with them, yeah?" "Yeah, I will..." "Yeah, go on then." "...you're gonna hear about this!" "Yeah, all right." "Ta-ta." "I'm coming back for you!" "All right, lads, carry on." "This is Woomarra Sheep Station, in heart of northern Queensland." "There's not much to do here in the evenings, except drink tinnies and listen to the sound of the insects." "Which is how Grant Cooper here came up with the idea for an amazing adventure." "It's, er, invention." "Pardon, mate?" "Invention." "Oh, beg your pardon." "Which is how Grant Cooper here came up with the idea for an amazing adventure." "Whaddaya got there, Grant?" "Er, well, he's a beatle." "Right." "An' he's got a fancy Latin name." "A-ha." "But the folks 'round here, they call him a dunny beatle." "An' why's that?" "Well, they reckon he sounds like a bloke on the, er... well, you'd better judge for yourself." "Right." "I'll take this flashlight, here, and shine it on the little fellah, and, er..." "That's amazing!" "Yeah, y'see, the little light, that arouses the fellah, right?" "An' he makes that sound by rubbing' his little legs against the wing casin'." "That's crazy!" "I was sittin' there one night, listen to the little fellah sound off, an' I got to thinkin', y'know, each one o' these little guys makes a slightly different sound." "Right." "OK." "So, er, I took some time out, an', er, came up with this!" "Look, mate, that's not really an adventure, it's more of an invention." "Anyway, what does it do?" "Right, well, when I push these buttons here, the lights come on, an' the little dunnies, they sound off." "Like this." "That's really great, mate." "Why don't you play us a tune?" "It'll be an absolute pleasure." "Fantastic." "And, er, whaddya call 'em?" "I call 'em "The Beetles"!" "Hello there, Ted!" "Hello, sir." " It's, er, out with your friends, I see." "That's right, sir." " Yes, jolly good." "Er, er, good, good chaps, all of them." "Ooh, er, er, er, tell you what, why don't I, er, I buy you all a beer?" "No, you... you don't need to worry about that, sir." "No." "No." "Erm." "Well." "Well!" "Er, I'd best be pushing off home." "Er, it's a, er, early start in the morning." "Bright and early." "Busy day." "Erm." "Well." "It's, er, nice to have met you all, and, er..." "I'll say goodnight." "'night. 'night, sir." "Sir." "Well..." "No, he'll be all right, won't he?" "Brace o' pheasants sticking' out of..." "Hello, there." "Now, the other day I travelled up on the train to Sutton Coldfield." "To open a nursery for a friend of mine." "And there were two lads in the carriage with me, who really were being very, very funny indeed." "What they would do is, they'd have a bit of a conversation, and every now and then one of them would jump up and shout out at the top of this voice, "I don't believe it!"" "Like the fellah from "One Foot in the Grave" on TV." "And everyone would fall around the carriage laughing." "They really were a couple o' cards." "And so the journey went on with the, you know, every now and again it would be punctuated with this fellah jumping up and shouting out," ""I don't believe it!"" "Oh, and the carriage rocked with laughter." "And after a while, I felt I must join in, so I tapped on the window with a front polo, and I stood up and I began to recite an episode of "So Haunt Me"," "doing all the different characters and so forth." "But no one laughed." "Anyway, here is, Arthur Atkinson." "There she goes!" "'ere's me washboard!" "'ow queer!" "Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a tremendous audience, an' I tell ya we've got great treat for ya now a smashing' fellah by the name o' Chester Drawers." "He comes from up North, but don't 'old that against 'im." "He's 'ad too much 'eld against 'im in 'is time!" "ere's me washboard!" "OK...that reminds me, did you 'ear the one..." "Ooh, no, I'd better not..." "Ladies an' gentlemen, a very funny man, and a personal friend..." "Chester Drawers." "ere's yer pipe, vicar!" "Hey-hey!" "Ay-ay!" "Open the windah, close the door, eh?" "Misses?" "Vicar?" "Wo-ho!" "Eh, I went to the pet-shop the other day, I did," "I went to the pet-shop." "I went to the pet-shop," "I said, "'ave yer wasp?" "'ave yer wasp?" He said, "We don't sell wasps."" "I said, "You do!" I said, "You do!" "There's..."" "There's one in the windah!" "Oh!" "Sorry, Chester, was yer doin' yer act?" "Only, I didn't 'ear anyone laughing'!" "Mind you, they are now." "'ere, that reminds me of a very funny tale." "Where's me washboard?" "Eh?" "S-sorry, Chester, anyway, I'll leave ya with a good audience." "Ta-ra!" "See ya later!" "Yeah, write that one in the back o' yer ration book!" "Now, misses, eh, no, no, eh, I tell ya, I tell ya," "I was in bed wi' the wife the other night, not my wife, your wife, sir, eh?" " Ooh, that's a bit blue, isn't it, Chester?" "I was in the bed, eh..." " Yer diggin' yer own grave out there, man!" "I was..." "I was in the bed, like I say, with the wife, with the wife, she said, "D'yer smoke after 'ow's yer father"," "I said, "I don't believe" " D'yer want me to come back on?" "Eh?" "All right, Chester, off ya go." "Yer train leaves in ten minutes, you've done a good job." "Ladies an' gentlemen, we're gonna 'ave a bit o' fun now, because it's me!" "Arthur Atkinson." "Wheeere's me washboard?" "Well, those of you who saw Sportswatch last week will have been very saddened to see the terrible sight of Ron Manager." "A once great football mind in total disarray." "Very sad, Tommy." "Aye, well." "Y'know." "Soccer." "Isn't it." "Enduring image." "...in the park, jumpers for goalposts." "Terrible goalie." "Don't!" "1983..." "Please don't." "Aberdeen." "Cup Winners Cup." "Roy Mark holding it aloft." "Please stop." "Willy Miller?" "Ian Hanson?" "Sod it." "Beginnin' o' the feud?" "Cheesy peas!" "Baz!" "Baz!" "Get a shot o' the hat!" " Oh, yeah, Baz, the hat!" "The famous hat." "Legendary hat." "The hat." "Lindsay has never been known not to wear that hat." "It's never off his head." "Even saw him in the bath once, he was wearin' that hat." "Yeah, that's cos I 'aven't only ever had one bath!" "Ha!" "Eats in it." "Sleeps in it." "Even shagged your sister in it, Si!" "Baz... can we cut for a minute." "Hi!" "I'm Ed Winchester." "And I'm Carol Dreyfus." "Hi!" "I'm Howard Brunel." "I'm Ramone Valentino." "I'm Paige Beach." "Hi, I'm Dusty Frood." "Hi!" "I'm Bob Burg." "Hi!" "I'm Sinead O'Scroll." "Hi!" "I'm Doug Silver." "And I'm Ed Winchester!" "I must confess... that with regard to the matter of which we spoke, I have quite other thoughts." "In so much as I have taken my resolve, and hold to the conviction that the sense of demerit does not take as distinct shape in the memory." "Sir, I have done you an injustice, in that I have interpreted your reticence as a dispensation, conveying perhaps a sanction to a purpose which I have for some time entertained without external encouragement." "Hold, madam." "Let me assure you that our belief, albeit, an ill founded one, that the good doctor holds fast to the understanding that the chastisement, and admonition, are not directed to his own shortcomings, but mine own." "What say you, sir?" "I'll get me cloak." "Brilliant!" "Not many places remainin' in life fer an old gent." "Apart from popping' down the park fer an 'our or so, t' feed the geese." "Come on!" "Come on, me little friends!" "Ooh!" "Bugger!" "Ah din't realise that were goin' t' r'appen!" "Ooh!" "Not that ah've got much use fer it anymore, ah suppose." "Ooooooh!" "Suits you, sir!" "Suit you, sir!" "Ooh!" "Suits you, sir!" "Shall we go to our club, Kenneth?" "For gentlemen?" "Behind closed doors, sir?" "Suits you." "I'll put the shop to bed, sir." "Do it now sir." "Suit you sir." "Suit you sir." "Ohhh!"