"That's why I write down my workout results." "Sometimes you just need to see the progress on paper, you know?" "No." "I don't understand voluntary exercise." "I also don't understand why any live band needs a third guitarist." "Sometimes I feel like we just talk at each other." "Here's the house where Randy volunteers." "Buckle up." "Votes are in, everyone." "The soldier care packages for your husbands overseas will be wrapped" " in periwinkle blue wrapping paper!" " Yes!" "Nancy, I'm aware of Ben's nut allergy." "That's why we are nixing peanut butter cups." "We're going with jelly beans, and we're not looking back." " What is this, an Army Wives Club?" " They prefer "Family Readiness Group."" "Wow." "It's not all fun and games." "I mean, he does do some serious work." "What do you guys think?" "This bow's big, but this bow's bigger." "I know." "Obviously, the bigger one." "The army is filled with troops on heroic missions, and then there's us." "We take care of things at home." "We are the Rear Detachment." "Yes, we're soldiers." "S01E02 Randy Get Your Gun" "So then the Wives Club circled up, and they all started braiding each other's hair." "Okay, that did not happen." " It has happened." " Mm-hmm." "I don't appreciate the term "Wives Club."" "Thank you, Sergeant Perez." "It's more like "Randy's Hug Club."" "Oh!" "Okay." "The Family Readiness Group is full of great people that support their families overseas and each other at home." " Okay, so don't just call it Randy's..." " Gossip Garden." " Cookie Casa." " Ranch house." " No, Ranch House is just a type of house." " Yeah." "Wait a minute." "Who is this guy?" "Sergeant Hill, it's me, Private Ruiz." "I transferred from Sergeant Perez's platoon." "You were in my platoon?" "Man, this place is cold." "Anyway, brother, we're just messing with you." "Have a beer." "I know you guys are just busting my B's, but no booze for me." "Great." "Tomorrow's the Rear D marksmanship test, and I want to be sharp." "Dobkiss does make a good point." "Yeah, it's..." "I like it." "I don't want to just pass the test." "I want to be the best soldier Rear D has ever seen." "And that means winning the General Murray Trophy for top shot." "Haven't you heard?" "I win that trophy every year." " That is before I got here." " I'm sorry, Pete." "This is my year to shine." "So let me apologize now for yelling "In your face!"" "in your face when I beat you tomorrow." "I'm not gonna mean it, but I'm still gonna do it." "Thanks for the heads-up, buddy." "Give me." "Give me, give me, give me." "Ah!" "I'm here to announce the results of the Rear D marksmanship test." "But before we begin, uh, Dobkiss, your boots are untied." " No, they're not." " Gotcha." "Well, now that we've had a little fun, let's get down to business." "The winner of the coveted General Murray Trophy." " I wouldn't want to win that." " He's gonna give me night terrors." "That statue looks like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky." "It pretty much sums up how I feel about the Army." "That thing's sweet." "This stunning trophy represents General Murray's passion for excellence." "Unfortunately, he lost half his face in a freak barbecue accident in my backyard." "This will be the first of many times you're gonna lose to me." "Hush." "He's about to announce your failure." "And the winner is..." "Sergeant Jill Perez!" "Yes!" "Eat it, Pete!" "Eat it like a big old..." " And Sergeant Pete Hill!" " Yeah!" "Wait." "What?" " It's a tie." " A tie?" "Congratulations." "You'll be sharing the trophy." "You got to be kidding me." "And now, the other results." "When I call your name, please step forward to receive your marksmanship badge." "Oh, hell, let's speed this up." "Randy..." "Second place." "Step back." "The rest of you... you passed." "What?" "I don't understand." "Oh, boy." " Well, this isn't gonna be pretty." " Nope." "I bet Randy's already doing that thing where he won't make eye contact with us." "You know what?" "I'll talk to him." "On with the ceremony." "Oh, hell, this is a lot of badges." "Private Hill, since you're not doing anything, come up here and help me hand out these badges." "Private Dobkiss." "Congratulations." "Wow, it's awesome to win something when you're this hungover." "It's like, what can't I do?" "Shut up, Dobkiss." "All right, we both know we're not sharing that ugly-ass trophy, so let's settle this right now." "Okay, whoever wins gets the trophy, but whoever loses gets a giant number two written on their forehead." " Deal." " Yes." "But this isn't even a true test." "A real soldier can shoot under duress, which I proved to great acclaim in Afghanistan." "Then let's add some duress." "Have your platoon cover our eyes while we shoot." "Shoot blindfolded?" "I sleep blindfolded." "That's the one time that comeback doesn't work." "They're the same!" " We tied." " We need more duress." "What you gonna do?" "!" "You're my dirty little boy, ain't ya?" "!" "Your skin is perfect!" "Your hair looks like it was spun by Rumpelstiltskin!" "Why are you still single?" "!" "It's a tie again!" "You did it!" "Okay, leapfrog a private, barrel roll, then pop up and shoot." " How's that sound?" " Like a huge safety violation." "All right, as range supervisor, I'm gonna need you to vacate the premises." "Come on, Barry!" "Barry?" "My name is Charles." "Well, I used to be in your platoon." "Really?" "Cold, man." "Cold." "Hey, buddy." "How are you doing?" "Also, what are you doing?" "I ordered this victory cake, and now I'm throwing it away." "Don't think you need to cut it up before you throw it out." "Well, it came with this cake cutter, and I just wanted to hold a weapon I can actually use." "I'm sorry, Randy." "I just don't get it." "I passed in basic training." "How could I have gotten so much worse?" "Don't beat yourself up, but if you do, I'm here to talk." "Thanks, brother." "I really appreciate..." "Since when do you care about my feelings?" "Oh, come on, I'm always up for a brother huddle." "Okay, something's wrong." "You're acting like you're guilty of something." "Me?" "What?" "No." "Come on, let's..." "You know, let's have..." "Let's have a slice of cake!" "Oh, strawberry filling... my favorite!" "Okay... you think I'm gonna sit here and listen to you sing the praises of strawberry filling when we both know you've been a banana man since Mom baked you that monkey cake on your eighth birthday?" "!" " What's going on, Derrick?" "!" " All right, fine!" "I'll tell you, okay?" "Here's the thing." "Back in basic, I kind of sort of..." "Whoo!" "Yeah!" "Feels good." "Yeah, baby." "All right." " Go Army, huh?" " Yeah, brothers." " This is fun." " Cool." "You cheated for me?" "Kind of sort of... yeah." "Oh... can not believe this!" "I cannot believe this!" "I do not believe this!" "This is unbelievable!" " Okay, calm down." " No!" "No!" "How could you do this to me?" "I did it for you." "You're the one who's always talking about how you love being a soldier." "I'm the one who made that wish come true." "Well, stop granting my wishes, Evil Genie." "Stop it!" "Evil Genie..." "I'd watch that show." "Hey, buddy, you need some help?" "There are things I can do on my own, Derrick." "I can't believe you cheated for me." "My whole life's been a lie." "Not your whole life, just the Army part." "The Army part is the only part that matters." "If I can't pass this test, they might kick me out." " You can take a retest." " What if I fail that?" "Dad was in the Army, Pete's in the Army." "You don't even want to be in the Army, and you're in the Army." "True." "If I'm not in the Army..." "I'm not in the family." " I never thought about it like that." " Yeah, tell me about it." " The whole thing just donged on me." " Donged?" "!" "I think you mean "dawned."" "No, I mean donged." "You hit a gong, it makes a dong sound, and then you realize something." "Any other day, and I could have a field day with this." "I mean, what am I gonna do in formation tomorrow?" "I can't look Pete in the eye." "I'm not a real soldier." "Listen, hope isn't lost." " You'll take a retest, and I'll help you." " Really?" " I did it once, I'll do it again." " No, Derrick, you cannot cheat for me!" "Okay, that makes it harder." "I'll just have to train you." "Don't smile." "What the hell?" "!" "What are you fools doing in my swim lane?" "One of us has to win the General Murray Trophy." "We couldn't use the gun range, so we had to pick another soldier skill to compete at." "Don't worry, Sergeant Major." "We'll be out of your way in no time." "Pete's about to quit." "My varsity water polo letterman's jacket says you don't know what you're talking about." "Get out of my pool!" " But we're still tied!" " That's an order!" "I'm coming in, and I don't swim in chop." "All right, you sure this is a good time to train?" "Isn't this usually when you wife out at the Family Readiness Group?" "This takes priority." "Besides, I got someone to cover for me." "Before we get started, would you ladies like me to take my shirt off?" "This'll be easy." "We just have to take your great practice results and translate them to the marksmanship test." "Yeah, about that." "I never really hit the targets in practice, either." "What?" "Then why were you so confident?" "I assumed that in the actual test, adrenaline would just take over." "Like a mother bear lifting a car off of a baby." "You're lucky I'm feeling super guilty about all this, 'cause you're being a real handful right now." "All right, walk me through your process." "I assume a firm firing stance, put the rifle to my shoulder, and then I take aim at the man out there." "Hold on." "Man?" "Yeah, a man's what I'm shooting at." "So, when you take aim, you picture the target as a man?" "Yeah." "Let's-let's call him Harold." "What I do is, I get Harold in my sights." "Then I start thinking about his wife and his three kids and his day job at the rubber factory, and his night job at the roller rink, and how he works too hard, but he never complains." " That's just the kind of guy he is." " All right, stop it." "I think I know what the problem might be." "Yeah, Harold should demand a raise, but you've seen the unemployment numbers." " Management holds all the cards." " Seriously, brother, any other day." " Tie." " Damn it!" "Oh!" "Unreal!" "Another tie." "Shouldn't we be practicing?" "We can't fix things out there until we fix things up here." "My hair?" "The Army kind of limits my options, but if you want to put together a look-book, I'll show the barber." "Your mind, Randy." "Okay?" "You're visualizing your targets as people and it's keeping you from shooting them." "You're being too emotional." "Okay." " I'm not emotional." " Really?" "Hell, no, I'm stone-cold." "Okay, let's try a test." "Recite the plot of Toy Story 3 without choking up." "Okay, fine." "Uh, we open on Mr. Potato Head, robbing a train full of orphans." "Those fuzzy headed trolls just wanted a better life." "There it is." "The big old cry face." "I don't know what you're talking about." "We're gonna drill this until you drop your emotions so you can fire your rifle." "Now try it again." "We open on Mr. Potato Head... robbing a train full of..." "Come on, Randy, you're just describing the opening logo." "That lamp doesn't have a family." "Oh, my God." "Again." "And the toys..." "And then Rex and the Slinky..." "And the little Cowgirl..." "We're not even talking, you're just crying now." "It's a whole story of toys." "Ow!" "The boy's packing for college, but he leaves Woody and Buzz behind." "Because he doesn't care about 'em anymore." " Again." " I know." "And in the end, the toys begin their new lives with Bonnie next door." "And who is this Bonnie?" "She's the kindest, sweetest girl in the whole world." "Who cares." "You did it, Randy." "You finally made it all the way without choking up." "You're ready." "Does that mean I can have an ice cream?" "No." "Good." "Thank you for agreeing to be our judges." "Sergeant Perez and I have prepared meals using traditional Army ingredients." "What I have for you today are braised chicken thighs in a white wine reduction with caramelized shallots." "____" "And I have prepared meat and potatoes." "Oh." "The potato has been prepared one-ways, baked." "And the meat has been cooked until it was brown." "Enjoy." "____" "I'm tasting a seasoning I can't quite place." "Is it... salt?" "Bingo." "Maybe not enough." "Ah, interesting." "____" "Sergeant Perez," "I love how you let the chicken be the hero in this dish." "It had a sense of humor and a real gravitas." "I vote for you." "Oh." "Yes." "Sergeant Hill, your brown meat dish was burnt." "And oddly sour." "I vote for you." "Mmm!" "I always ask myself one question..." "Is this better than a calzone?" "And the answer, in both cases... was no." "Gentlemen, let's get out of here." "Did we just tie again?" " My dish is so much better than yours." " That's ridiculous." "Taste it." "Eat it." "Well, I'm not gonna taste yours unless you taste mine." "Mm?" " Mm-hmm." " Mm-hmm." " Mm?" " Mm?" "You two bozos." "My office, 0800." " Mm-hmm." " Mm." " Sergeant Major, you wanted to see us?" " Oh, good God, you both look awful." "Oh, well, that's because we were up all night counting constellations to see who's better at navigating by the stars." "But we tied again, even though Pete tried to cheat." " Orion's Beard is a thing." " No, it's not." " Yeah, it's not." " Ugh." " A constellation counting contest." " Yeah." "More like a full-fledged flirt-fest." "With all due respect, Sergeant Major..." " That's insane." " What?" "!" "You two have been using this trophy as an excuse to have a secret soldier smooch seminar." " What's happening?" " Why are you doing that?" "It's called alliteration." "It makes language more colorful." "My point is... cut it out!" "It's unbecoming for your troops to see you like this." "Sergeant Major, we're not flirting." "No." "That casual glance you just shared says otherwise." "You see, your prancing pupils polka'd p..." "Oh, hell, I just lost it." "Dismissed." "Stop doing that, the wind's not a factor." "You ready to dominate this retest, or what?" "I'm ready!" "Got to give me a little bit more warning before you scream directly into my face." "Okay, Private Hill." "It's time." "Thank you, Sergeant Major." "Remember your training." "The white-hot incinerator looms in the distance." "Buzz looks to Jesse... and Rex... and Mr. Potato Head." "They join hands and descend into the fiery inferno." "Will they survive?" "Who cares?" "Looks good from here, Private Hill." "Yes, dude, you passed." "Damn right I did." "I'm a stone-cold killer." "Hooah." "Yeah, great." "Stone-cold." "Congratulations, Private." "Thank you, Sergeant Major." "Better luck next time, guys." "We already passed." "Let him have this one, boo." "Okay." "Fall out." "Proud of you, brother." "Thanks, Pete." "I couldn't have done it without Derrick." "He really drilled me hard." "There's a better way of saying that." "No, there's not." "You drilled me harder than I've ever been drilled in my entire life." "Apparently there's a much worse way of saying that." "Yeah." "I'm impressed." "I didn't think you had it in you, but you created a real soldier." "He put what he has in him in me." "Now when I get deployed I can fight." "Just like you." "Thank you, Derrick." "Yeah." "One, two, three, shoot." "Damn it." "We even have flawless roshambo strategies." "We've been at this for 30 hours straight." "Wait, that's it." "Whoever falls asleep first loses and gets a number two written on their forehead." "Sleep deprivation, I like it." " You know, once, in the Korengal Valley..." " No one cares." "This looks like a good spot." " Right." " Yeah." "People can see if we're cheating or flirting." "Or flirting?" "You just said that." " Right." " Damn it." "Now we're tying in talking." "After you." "Cody's crazy." "This is not flirting." "Nope." "Just staring into your eyes so I can watch you fall asleep." "Yup." "I'm gonna scoot on back just a little bit." "Yeah, I'll give you some space." "Corporal Hill." "You..." "Don't tell me." "You've convinced Dobkiss to climb that tree again, knowing damn well he can't get down." "No, Sergeant Major, it's actually about Randy." "Oh." "So you want to be praised." "Well, good work." "Boom." "You've been praised." "And I feel it." "But about Randy?" "I was really proud of him." "But as you were pinning that badge on, I just..." "I kind of feel like I did the wrong thing." "Passing the marksmanship test is part of being in the Army." "Sergeant Major, Randy is a kind, empathetic, emotional guy." "And I taught him how to shut all that off so he could live this dream of being a super soldier like Pete, but he's just not like that." "If he's ever deployed..." "If he ever is deployed..." "You saved his life by teaching him to shoot." "I understand." "What I'm struggling with is..." "I helped Randy stay in the Army when maybe he doesn't belong in the Army at all." "Come with me." "This is the opposite of flirting." "Nothing romantic here." "Nope." "Was that a shooting star?" "I think so." "Hello, Sergeants." "Oh, don't mind me." "I can't practice in the barracks without getting punched." "Wow." "I actually love that song." "Fireworks night at the ball park." "Maybe this wasn't the best place to do this." "Corporal Hill, I understand your concerns." "But being a soldier means many different things." "It's a lot more than just being able to fire a weapon in combat." "So..." "How long has Ben been away?" "Oh, gosh." "Over a year now." "And every night I stay up, wondering if he's gonna be okay." "Am I crazy?" "Not at all." "I know exactly how you feel." "When my brother Pete was deployed, all I could think about was him returning home safe." "Well, that and Celebrity Apprentice." "What a mess, huh?" "I just wish my husband knew how much I missed him." "I promise you that he does." "And you're gonna get through this." "Hey, I got through it, and you are ten times tougher than me." "Thanks, Randy." "Randy's a fine soldier." "We need more men like him Rear D, not less." "I see that now, Sergeant Major." "He gets what this place is all about." "As opposed to some." " Got it." " Understand," "I'm not just complimenting Randy." "I'm insulting you." "Understood." "Hey, Randy, I've got some stuff for the toy drive." "All right." "Betty, I'm gonna need a minute." "Mmm." "I win." "Good night, Number Two." "Ow."