"Taking life as it comes-- sharing the good things..." "And the bad things." "Finding laughter and fun wherever they go." "It's with these two happy-go-lucky rogues" "That our story begins." "For it is they who were run over by alex diamond" "International crime fighter and playboy..." "Fast-moving, tough-talking" "And just one of the many hundreds of famous people" "Who suffer from..." "lumbago" "The endemic disease about which no one knows more" "Than this man, dr. emile koning" "Doctor, surgeon, proctologist" "And selfless fighter against human suffering" "Whose doorbell was the one above the hero of our story tonight" "Rear admiral humphrey de vere." "Yes, this is the story of rear admiral humphrey de vere..." "Or rather, the story of his daughter" "For it was her courage, foresight and understanding" "That enabled us to probe beneath the sophisticated veneer" "Of the royal arsenal women's college, bagshot" "And learn the true history of this man..." "Len hanky" "Chiropodist, voyeur, hen-teaser" "The man of whom the chairman of fiat once said..." "Che cosa e lo stucciacatori di polli?" "Si." "Yes, tonight we examine the career of gino agnelli" "The man who started from nothing" "To build up one of the greatest firms in europe" "And whose telescope was bought from the shop part-owned" "By a man who, at the age of eight, stole a penknife" "From the son of this man's brother's housekeeper's dental hygienist's uncle" "The reverend charlie "drooper" hyper-squawk smith" "The cleft-palated r.a.f. chaplain" "Who, single-handed, shot down over 500 german chaplains." "This is the story of the men who flew with him." "It really is." "Morning, squadron leader." "What-ho, squiffy." "How was it?" "Top hole." "Bally jerry pranged his kite" "Right in the how's-your-father." "Hairy blighter dicky-birdied, feathered back on his sammy" "Took a waspy" "Flipped over on his betty harper's" "And caught his can in the bertie." "Er... afraid I don't quite follow you, squadron leader." "It's perfectly ordinary banter, squiffy." "Bally jerry pranged his kite" "Right in the how's-your-father." "Hairy blighter dicky-birdied, feathered back on his sammy" "Took a waspy, flipped over on his betty harper's" "And caught his can in the bertie." "No, I'm just not understanding banter at all well today." "Give us it slower." "Banter's not the same if you say it slower, squiffy." "Hold on, then." "Wingco!" "Yes?" "Bend an ear" "To the squadron leader's banter." "Can do." "Jolly good." "Fire away." "Bally jerry..." "pranged his kite..." "Right in the how's-your-father." "Hairy blighter dicky-birdied..." "Feathered back on his sammy..." "Took a waspy, flipped over on his betty harper's" "And caught his can..." "In the bertie." "No, I don't understand that banter at all." "Is something up with my banter, chaps?" "Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, sir!" "Grab your egg and fours" "And let's get the bacon delivered." "Do you understand that?" "No, I didn't get a word of it." "Sorry, old man." "We don't understand your banter." "You know..." "bally ten-penny ones" "Dropping in the custard!" "Um..." "Charlie choppers chucking a handful." "No, no, sorry." "Say it a bit slower, old chap." "Slower banter, sir?" "Ra-ther!" "Um..." "Sausage squad up the blue end!" "No, still don't get it." "Um... cabbage crates coming over the briny?" "No, no, no." "But by then it was too late." "The first cabbage crates hit london on july 7." "That was just the beginning." "Five shillings a dozen?" "That's ordinary cabbages, is it?" "And what about the bombs?" "Good lord, they are expensive!" "Sir!" "Yes, what is it?" "News from the western front, sir!" "Yes?" "Big enemy attack at dawn, sir." "Yes?" "Well..." "The enemy were all wearing little silver halos, sir." "And they had fairy wands with big stars on the end" "And... and..." "And what?" "And they had spiders" "In matchboxes, sir." "Good god!" "How did our chaps react?" "Well, they were jolly interested, sir." "Some of them" " I think it was" "The fourth armored brigade, sir" "They... they..." "Yes?" "Well, they went and had a look" "At the spiders, sir." "Oh, my god." "Well, thank you, shirley." "Sir!" "Get me the prime minister." "Sir!" "Not that quickly!" "Sir!" "Gentlemen, it's now quite apparent" "That the enemy are not only fighting this war on the cheap" "But they're also not taking it seriously." "Bastards!" "First they drop cabbages instead of decent bombs..." "Crates were probably quite expensive, sir." "Quiet, critic!" "And now they're doing very silly things" "In one of the most vital areas of the war." "What are we going to do, shirley?" "Well, we've got to act fast before it saps morale." "We're going to show these chinese..." "Germans." "These germans." "We're going to show them" "That no british soldier will descend to their level." "Anyone found trivializing this war" "Will face the supreme penalty that military law can provide." "That was all right, I think." "Seemed to go quite well." "Sapper walters, you stand before this court" "Accused of carrying on the war by other than warlike means" "To wit, that you did on april 16, 1942" "Dressed up as a bag of dainties" "Flick wet towels at the enemy during an important offensive." "Well, sir." "Shut up!" "Colonel fawcett" "For the prosecution." "Sir, we all know..." "Shut up." "I'm sorry?" "Carry on." "Sir, we all know the facts of the case" "That sapper walters" "Being in possession of expensive military equipment" "To wit, one lee enfield .303 rifle" "And 72 rounds of ammunition" "Valued at funt140, three shillings and sixpence" "Chose instead to use wet towels" "To take an enemy command post in the area of basingstoke." "Basingstoke?" "Basingstoke in hampshire?" "No, no, no, sir, no." "Oh, I see-- carry on." "The result of his action" "Was that the enemy received..." "Basingstoke where?" "Basingstoke in westphalia, sir." "Oh, I see-- carry on." "The result of sapper walters's action" "Was that the enemy received wet patches upon their trousers" "And in some cases" "Small red strawberry marks upon their thighs." "I didn't know there was a basingstoke in westphalia." "It's on the map, sir." "What map?" "The map of westphalia as used by the army, sir." "Well, I've certainly never heard of basingstoke in westphalia." "It's a municipal borough, sir 27 miles north-northeast of southampton." "Its chief manufactures..." "Southampton in westphalia?" "Yes, sir." "Bricks, clothing." "Nearby are the remains of basing house" "Burned down by cromwell's cavalry in 1645..." "And who..." "who compiled this map?" "Cole porter, sir." "Cole porter" "Who wrote kiss me, kate?" "No, alas not, sir." "This was the cole porter who wrote "anything goes," sir." "I shall seek to prove..." "It's the same one!" "In olden days" "A glimpse of stocking..." "I beg your pardon, sir?" "In olden days a glimpse of stocking" "Was looked on as something shocking" "Now heaven knows anything goes." "No, this one's, uh..." "different, sir." "How does it go?" "What, sir?" "How does your "anything goes" go?" "Can I go home now?" "Shut up!" "Come on." "Sir, really, I think this is..." "Come on, how does your "anything goes" go?" "Anything goes in" "Anything goes out" "Fish, bananas, old pajamas" "Mutton, beef and trout." "Anything goes in..." "No, that's not it-- carry on." "With respect, sir, I shall seek to prove" "That the man before you in the dock" "Being in possession of the following:" "One pair of army boots, value funt3, seven and six;" "One pair of serge trousers, value funt2, three and six;" "One pair of gaiters, value funt68, ten shillings... funt68, ten shillings for a pair of gaiters?" "!" "They were special gaiters, sir." "Special gaiters?" "Yes, sir, they were made in france, sir." "One beret costing 14 shillings..." "What was special about them?" "They were made of a special fabric, sir." "The buckles were made of empire silver instead of brass." "The total value of the uniform was..." "Why was the accused wearing special gaiters?" "They were a presentation pair, sir, from the regiment." "The total value of the uniform, therefore..." "Why did they present him with a special pair of gaiters?" "Sir... it seems to me totally irrelevant to the case" "Whether the gaiters were presented to him or not, sir." "I think the court will be able to judge that for themselves." "I want to know why the regiment presented the accused" "With a special pair of gaiters." "He used to do things for them, sir." "The total value..." "What things?" "He used to oblige them, sir." "Oblige them?" "Yes, sir." "The total value of the uniform..." "How did he oblige them?" "What, sir?" "How did he oblige them?" "He, um..." "He used to make them happy in little ways, sir." "The total value..." "Did he touch them at all?" "Sir!" "I submit that this is totally irrelevant." "I want to know how he made them happy." "He used to ram things up their...!" "All right, all right, all right." "You don't need to spell it out." "What has the accused got to say?" "What... me?" "Yes, yes, what have you got to say?" "Well, what can I say, sir?" "I mean, how can I encapsulate in mere words" "My scorn for any military solution..." "The futility of modern warfare" "And the hypocrisy by which contemporary government applies" "One standard to violence within the community" "And another to violence perpetrated" "By one community upon another?" "Sorry, but my client has become pretentious." "I will say in his defense, though..." "Sir, we haven't finished the prosecution!" "Shut up!" "I'm in charge of this court." "Stand up!" "Sit down!" "Go moo!" "See?" "Right, now, on with the pixie hats" "And order in the skating vicar!" "And..." "Anything goes in, anything goes out" "Fish, bananas, old pajamas" "Mutton, beef and trout" "Anything goes in, anything goes out" "Fish, bananas, old pajamas" "Mutton, beef and trout." "Coming to this cinema soon..." "The tender, compassionate story" "Of one man's love for another man in drag." "Thrill to the excitement of a night emission over germany" "When the pilot, jennifer, has to choose" "Between his secret love for louis" "The hot-bloodedly bisexual navigator" "And andy, the rear gunner" "Who, though quite assertive with girls" "Tends to take the submissive role" "In his relationships with men." "And sensational mexican starlet rosetta nixon" "Plays the head of bomber command" "Whose passion for sea birds ends in tragedy." "With ginger, as the half-man, half-woman parrot" "Whose unnatural instincts" "Brought forbidden love to the aviary." "And roger as pip, the half- parrot, half-man, half-woman" "Three-quarter badger, ex-bigamist negro preacher" "For whom banjo-playing was very difficult." "And he never mastered it" "Although he took several courses and went to banjo college, uh..." "And everything." "Don't miss it!" "Coming to your cinema soon." "Only five minutes from this restaurant." "But now..." "It's..." "Bloody repeats!" "Yes, repeats or war films." "It really makes you want to micturate." "People on television treat" "The general public like idiots." "Well, we are idiots." "Oh, no we are not!" "Well, I am." "How do you know you're an idiot?" "Oh, I can show you." "How?" "Look." "Ooh!" "Ooh, wee!" "ooh, wee!" "You see, the public are idiots." "You might as well just show them the last five miles of the m2." "They'd watch it, eh?" "At last, they done been put on" "Something interesting." "Oh, most interesting." "Our figures show conclusively" "That these motorways are extremely popular." "I mean, last time we showed a repeat" "Of the leicester bypasss" "Our ratings gave us 97,300,912 and itv nought." "So I do feel that we ought to give "b" roads their own series." "I'm sorry, we just can't give you a bigger budget." "Budgie?" "No, he's left." "Oh, oh." "why not?" "We're only one slice of the cake, you know." "Wouldn't mind a slice of cake" "Nice chocolate cake-- delicious." "I had a budgie once, you know." "Lovely little budgie, amusing little chap." "He used to stick his head in a bell." "What was his name, now?" "Joey, uh..." "Kennedy?" "Xerxes?" "We could repeat them." "Reheat them?" "No, repeat them." "You don't reheat cakes" "Not chocolate cakes." "What, repeat the cakes?" "Mr. heath!" "What!" "That was the name of the budgie." "Good lord, the bar's open." "Oh!" "oh!" "oh!" "Great off!" "Oh, no." "no it isn't." "I was looking at the little hand" "That goes round awfully fast." "Blast!" "blast!" "I've got it." "We can retitle the repeats." "What?" "Give them different names?" "Wouldn't that mean retitling them?" "Brilliant!" "Oh, right." "All we need is new titles" "And they must be damned new." "How about dad's navy?" "Hmm, good, good." "Up your mother next door." "Even better." "Doctor at bee!" "What?" "what?" "Someone's knocking at the door." "Quite like it." "Bit long, though, I think." "Far too long." "I married lucy." "Oh, hasn't that been done?" "Oh, yes, a long time ago." "But they'd never remember it." "Doctor at three." "I think someone's" "Knocking at the door." "Well, that's even longer." "I married a tree." "And mother makes tree." "Doctor at cake." "Look, I'm not absolutely certain" "But, well, I do rather get the impression" "That there is someone actually knocking" "At the door at this very moment." "That's ridiculous-- half the program gone." "Stop lengthening it!" "I married a cake." "I married three rabbit jelly molds." "Prefer "cake," especially chocky cake." "Open the sodding door!" "No, no. you can't say "sodding" on television." "No, no." "You're supposed to knock." "Sorry, sir, but there's trouble at studio five." "You're in security, aren't you?" "Yes, sir." "Well, you're not allowed" "To suggest program titles." "Sir, it's the world war series" "In studio five." "They're not taking it seriously anymore." "You're not allowed" "To suggest program titles!" "Look!" "Ow!" "mind me war wound!" "That's it!" "that's the one!" "Very good title!" "Very good!" "great." "Mind me war wound." "brilliant." "Fish, bananas, old pajamas, mutton..." "God!" "bloody world war ii series!" "I hate them!" "Oh, oh, it's a shame, mater-- damned predictable." "Just like bloody..." "Day after day after day after day!" "Ugh!" "Oh, evening star" "If only we could have a decent day tomorrow." "Oh!" "this weather's so wretched and awful and filthy and...." "What?" "what's going on?" "What the hell is going...?" "Now I can't even sleep!" "What... what are they doing?" "Huh?" "what was that?" "What was it?" "What... what's going on?" "Oh... oh, I can't stand it!" "All right!" "that does it!" "that does it!" "I'm going to get out..." "What a lovely day!" "Oh, I think I'm going to go..." "I say." "Yes, daddy?" "Croquet hoops look damn pretty" "This afternoon." "Frightfully damn pretty." "They're coming along" "Awfully well this year." "Yes, better than" "Your aunt lavinia's croquet hoops." "Oh, dreadful tin things." "I did tell her to stick to wood." "Yes, you can't beat wood." "Gorn..." "What's gorn, dear?" "Nothing, nothing." "No, I just like the word." "It gives me confidence." "Gorn..." "Gorn-- it's got a sort of woody quality about it." "Gorn..." "Gorn..." "Much better than newspaper or litter bin." "Frightful words." "Perfectly dreadful." "Newspaper..." "litter bin." "Dreadful tinny sort of words." "Tin, tin, tin." "Oh, dear..." "Don't say "tin" to rebecca." "You know how it upsets her." "Oh, sorry, old horse." "Sausage." "Sausage!" "There's a good woody sort of word, sausage." "Gorn..." "Antelope!" "Where?" "on the lawn?" "No, no, daddy-- just the word." "Don't want an antelope nibbling the hoops." "No, no, an-tel-ope." "Sort of nice and woody type of thing." "Don't think so, becky, old chap." "No, no." "Antelope, antelope." "Tinny sort of word." "Oh!" "sorry, old man." "Really, mansfield." "Well, she's got to come to terms" "With these things." "Seemly." "Prodding." "Vacuum." "Leap." "Oh!" "hate leap." "Perfectly dreadful." "Sort of p.v.c. sort of word, don't you know?" "Lower-middle." "Bound." "Now you're talking." "Bound." "Vole." "Recidivist." "Bit tinny." "Oh, sorry, becky old beast." "Oh, dear, I suppose" "She'll be gorn for a few days now." "Caribou!" "Splendid word!" "No, dear-- nibbling the hoops." "Oh!" "Caribou gorn." "Intercourse." "Later, dear." "No, no." "The word "intercourse," good and woody." "Intercourse..." "Pert..." "pert thighs." "Body, body, body." "Erogenous zone..." "Oh, concubine!" "Erogenous zone..." "Loose woman." "Erogenous zone..." "Oh!" "Oh, thank you, dear." "You know, it's a funny thing, dear." "All the naughty words sound woody." "Really, dear?" "How about "tit"?" "Oh, dear." "I hadn't thought about that." "Tit, tit." "Oh, that's very tinny, isn't it?" "Tit, tit." "Ugh!" "tinny, tinny." "Oh, dear." "Ocelot." "Wasp." "Yowling." "Oh, dear, I'm bored." "I'd better go and have a bath, I suppose." "Oh, really, must you dear?" "You've had nine today." "All right, I'll sack one of the servants." "Simkins!" "Nasty tinny sort of name." "Simkins!" "I say, mater, cabbage crates coming over the briny." "Sorry, dear, don't understand." "Uh, cow catchers creeping up" "On the conning towers." "No, sorry, old sport." "Um... caribou nibbling at the croquet hoops." "Yes, mansfield shot one in the antlers." "Oh, jolly good show." "Is, uh, is becca about?" "No, she's gorn off." "What a super woody sort of phrase, "gorn off."" "Yes, she's gorn off" "Because mansfield said "tin" to her." "Oh, what rotten luck." "Oh, well, whole afternoon to kill." "Better have a bath, I suppose." "Oh, gervaise, do sing me a song." "Oh, okay." "Something woody." "For..." "She's going to marry yum-yum!" "Oh, crikey!" "The old song's finished her off." "What's urp?" "Oh, I'm afraid mrs. vermin jones" "Appears to have passed orn." "Dead, is she?" "Afraid so." "What a blow for her." "What I want to know" "Mrs. elizabeth iii" "Is why they show us crap like this" "When there's bits of the leicester bypass" "That have never been shown." "Biskwit?" "Oh!" "thank you." "Appearing on the m2 were..." "Bloody repeats!" "Bloody repeats!" "Yes, repeats or war films" "Makes you want to micturate." "Hello and welcome to show jumping..." "Oh, moto-cross!" "Oh, good." "Just about to go into a jump-off against the clock." "The slight pause is for the stewards" "Who are repairing the sound of music." "Captain phillips on 'strewth just caught one of the nuns" "At the very start of what would have been a fine clear round." "It's a formidable obstacle, this sound of music" "Eight nuns high-- but they're ready now and singing." "The hills are alive..." "And there's the bell." "She's got 1:07 seconds to beat" "But she needs a clear round to win." "As she comes towards the sound of music..." "Quite exciting." "Hmm." "Beautifully taken." "And now she needs to pick up speed" "For oklahoma, but not too much." "This is where alan jones knocked down poor judd..." "You notice how" "We never actually see the horses jump?" "She's taken it superbly, superb show jumping." "And she's coming up to the black and white minstrel show." "Watch this." "Face the music and then..." "She's taken it!" "She's over the minstrels." "She just flicked leslie crowther with her tail" "But the time's good." "And now she turns before coming into the final jump." "This is a tough one." "It's ben hur-- 46 chariots, 6,000 spectators, 400 slaves" "Lion-handlers..." "I bet we don't see this one." "No." "We interrupt show jumping to bring you a news flash." "The second world war has now entered a sentimental stage." "This morning on the ardennes front" "The germans started spooning at dawn" "But the british fifth army responded" "By gazing deep into their eyes" "And the germans are now reported to have gone all coy." "When does a dream begin?" "Does it start with a goodnight kiss?" "Is it conceived or simply achieved?" "When does a dream begin?" "When does a dream begin?" "Is it born in a moment of bliss?" "Or is it begun" "When two hearts are one?" "When does a dream exist?" "The vision of you appears somehow" "Impossible to resist" "But I'm not imagining seeing you" "For who could have dreamed of this?" "When does a dream begin?" "When reality is dismissed?" "Or does it commence" "When we lose all pretense?" "When does a dream begin?"