"Jeannie?" "Jeannie?" " Good morning, master." " Good morning, Jeannie." "I cannot imagine why I am so sleepy." "I can." "You exhausted yourself making that dinner last night." "Did you enjoy it?" "It was one of the best meals I ever had in my life." "What was it?" "We had caviar and champagne, duck al'orange." " Pomme soufflé." " That's right." " And for desert...?" " Crêpes suzettes." "Crêpes suzettes." "Oh, they were wonderful." "You know, it would take me a month's salary to pay for a meal like that." "Jeannie, before you came my food bills used to be ridiculous." "Take the market bill I got this morning, for example." "In the old days, it would have been, oh, I don't know, around $100 and now it's only $1047.63" "One thousand dollars?" "Yes, master." "That is for the banquets you have been having all week." "But I thought you just, you know..." "Well, sometimes." "But usually I just shop at the corner grocer where you have your charge account." "There is a Persian market I know of but the meat there is very tough." "Why didn't you tell me this before?" "About the Persian market?" " Well, I didn't think you" " No, no, no." "I don't think you realize what you've done, Jeannie." "Roger was gonna come and pick me up and we were gonna go down and buy a sailboat we'd had our eyes on but now I just can't afford it." "Well, how much is the sailboat, master?" "Well, it's $1000 more than I've got." "Hey!" "Anchors aweigh!" "Do you like it, master?" "Oh, boy." "Fine friend you are." "You bought the boat without me." " Why didn't you wait for me?" " What did you say?" "Jeannie, would you turn the wind off?" "Thank you." "What did you say?" "I said you bought the boat without me." "Why didn't you wait for me?" "I didn't wait for you because this is not my boat." "You mean you just brought this over on approval?" "Would you get rid of it?" "Get rid of it?" "Get rid of?" "It's beautiful." "Would you like another colour?" " I'd like another boat." " What's the matter with this one?" "There's nothing the matter with it except it's not mine." "Ours." "Jeannie, you see I don't want anybody to give me a boat." "The fun of having something like this is working for it and saving for it, and then buying it." "I know exactly what you mean and that's a wonderful spirit." "Jeannie, I'll take the boat, but I'd like a few changes." "I thought we could have a swimming pool in the back" " Get rid of it." " No, no, come on." "Oh, well." "I get seasick anyway." "Shall we go down and pick out our boat?" "I can't." "You can't?" "Wait." "You said we were gonna go partners." "Sixteen hundred dollars apiece on a boat." "I know, Roger." "I don't have the money." " Well, what did you do with it?" " I ate it." "Sometimes I think Bellows is right about you." "There you are, master." "What is it?" "Well, Jeannie." "No, I don't think you understood what I was trying to say." "You see, I like to work for what I get." "Well, I'll just take that and be running along." "Well, easy come, easy go." "I just remembered." "I invited a lot of people to go sailing this weekend." "I'm sorry, Roge, there's just nothing I..." "What's the matter with me?" "I can borrow the money." "Where would you borrow the money?" "A bank." "That's what they're for." "Oh, no." "No, master, I cannot let you do that." " Why not?" " Because." "If you do not repay the loan, they will cut off your ears." "Who told you that?" " Earless Abdul." " Earless Abdul?" "He did not become earless until he failed to repay a loan at the First National Bank of Pompeii." "Nothing's gonna happen." "That is what Earless said before he became earless." "I'm going to the bank, I'm gonna get the loan." "Roger and I will buy the sailboat." "Then I'll pay the bank in monthly instalments." "I still do not like it." " Jeannie" " Look, I thought, before I leave could I see the boat once more?" "Certainly." "Oh, well." "It's not my colour anyway." " You coming?" " No, I'll meet you at the base." "I'm gonna stop at the bank on the way down." "Master?" "May I go to the bank with you?" "I have never seen a Cocoa Beach bank." "Sure, sure, you can." "Well, look, I guess I better be running along." " I'll see you later." " Okay, all right." "Look, do me a favour, will you?" "Dr. Bellows." "Forgive me for barging in, major, I..." "That's a boat in your living room." "Yes." "Yes, that's exactly what it is, sir, a boat." "Last week there was an apple tree there." "Well, you know the old saying:" " "An apple a day keeps the doctor-"" " Now it's a boat." "I don't believe we've met." "This is Pedro." "I've been happy to meet you, Dr. Bellows." " Pedro?" " Pedro Sven." "I didn't know you had a boat, major." "Yeah, well, it's not mine." "He's just showing it to me." "Yeah." "It's just the right thing to the ocean." "I suppose you have some explanation for this boat being in your living room." "Yeah, well, it was too big for the bedroom." "It's going to be another one of those weeks, isn't it, major?" "Sir?" "Well, I was hoping that this week, you'd..." "Oh, never mind." "One of these days, Major Nelson." "One of these days." "Too big for the bedroom." "Sven, would you get the boat out now?" "If you want me to, master." "Yeah, I want you to." "I am ready for the Cocoa Beach Bank, master." "But is the Coco Beach Bank ready for you?" "Yes, sir, can I help you?" "I'd like to speak to somebody about taking out a loan." "Yes, Mr. Wilfred will take care of you." " If you'll just sit down a moment." " Thanks." "We'll be very happy to help you, madam." "Our greatest joy in life is seeing that wonderful look on people's faces when we give them loans." " Oh, thank you." " You see, there's nothing to it." "What is the purpose of this loan?" "Well, you see, my husband died and left me without a penny." "A penniless widow." "Excuse me, but that's heartbreaking." "If I could borrow $70 I could buy a secondhand sewing machine and take in sewing." "That is the spirit that built this great country." "Here you are, madam." "Just make a list of your cash securities and real-estate holdings." "But I haven't any." "Yes, right." "But I'll work my fingers to the bone to pay you back." "I have three young children to support." " Three young children." " Yes." " You see, what did I tell you?" " I do not like it." "I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've mistaken us for a charitable institution." "We do not make loans without first class security." "You mean you won't help me?" "No, I didn't say that, madam." "Of course we'll help you." "You see?" "You come back some other time when you have some property or blue chip securities." "I will be glad to arrange a loan." "He is exactly like the man who took care of Earless Abdul." "Next." "Well, what can I do for you this lovely day, general?" " Major." " Major." "I want to discuss taking out a loan." "That's what I'm here for." "You know my motto:" "" Money can buy you happiness. "" "And I am here to make you happy." "What's this loan for?" "I want to buy a boat." "The briny deep, the seven seas, Moby Dick and all that sort of thing." " How much is this boat?" " It's $3,200 but I'm buying it with a friend, so it'll only be $1,600 apiece." "Is that all?" "Think of all the hours of pleasure you can have for $1,600." "Well, I have thought about it." "That's the reason I want to discuss taking out a loan." "I'm $1,000 short." " A thousand dollars?" " Yes." " Tell me, lieutenant" " Major." " Major?" " Yeah." "How much real estate do you own?" "None." "I have a house, but it's got a mortgage on it." "But you do have securities?" "No." "No wonder you want a boat." "You want to escape from poverty." "I do have a bank account here." "Well, why didn't you say so?" "You're one of the family." "You know, I hate making loans to strangers but I do love making loans to one of our big depositors." "I'm not a big depositor, I" "How much is in your accounts?" "It's just one account." "A Christmas fund account." " Christmas fund account?" " Yes." "I think I have about $600 in it." "Six hundred dollars?" "And you want to borrow 1000?" " Let us go." " Jeannie there won't be any trouble with the loan." "But I can give you everything you need." "She's a very close friend." "Oh, don't apologize." "You'd be surprised how much of that goes on at Cocoa Beach." "Mr. Wilfred, I do have a steady job." "So I see." " Your name?" " Anthony Nelson." " Not the astronaut?" " Yes, that's right." "Well, I don't know." "We've never made a loan to an astronaut before." "It would be interesting trying to get our money if you went up there and..." "Excuse me a moment." "I think I'll check on your account." "I do not like that man, master." "He reminds me of the one who took care of Earless." "Don't worry, Jeannie." "All he can do is say no and I'll just have to get along without the boat for a while." "I will be right back, master." "I am going to look around the bank." "Jeannie." "Don't get into any trouble." "Of course not, master." "Well, Wilfred, how's it going?" "Splendidly, Mr. Melnick." "I'm on my seventh turndown this morning." "This one's an astronaut who wants to borrow $1,000." "All he has in his Christmas fund account is $3,000,614." "Three million, six hundred and fourteen dollars." "And you're going to turn him down for a loan?" " Certainly not." " Give him anything he wants." "Yes, Mr. Melnick." "We must not have a man like that borrowing only $1,000, Mr. Melnick." "Excuse me, sir." "Sorry to have kept you waiting, general." " Major." " You'll be a general." " I have a feeling in my bones." " Well, thank you." "Now, about the loan, if it's not too much trouble" "Trouble?" "It's an honour to do business with you, sir." "Suppose we just fill out this form for $100,000 payable at your convenience." "A hundred thousand- No, no, I don't need a $100,000." " I just need $1,000." " Take the 100,000, master." "Master." "You don't see that kind of respect anymore, do you?" "Really, $100,000 is too much." "I just need 1,000." "Suppose you decide to buy a larger boat or take on a few accessories." "A seaplane on board, perhaps?" "No, no, really." "This is just a little sailboat." "It could be a little bigger one, couldn't it, major general?" "Let's make this out for $150,000." "Take it, master." "Let us go." "What would I use for security?" "Your face." "I knew it." "He wants your face." "That is worse than what happened to Earless." "Please, let us give you $200,000." "I don't need $200,000." "Sir, if you're so anxious to loan money why don't you loan money to the poor widow that was in here?" " Is that what you want?" " Well, it would be very nice." "How much shall we give her?" "I don't know, $1,000." "A nice round figure." "She'll have the money this afternoon." "Just sign here and we'll have the money sent to you by special messenger." "Well, that's certainly very nice of you." "If we can ever be of any help to you, general, day or night you don't hesitate to call on us." "Let us go, master." "Thank you very much." "It was most pleasant." "I told you it would be easy." "Sir, the second window." "Mr. Wilfred?" "Yes, Mr. Melnick?" "How much did Major Nelson borrow?" "Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Melnick, but he only borrowed $1,000." "I tried to get him to take 200,000, but he wouldn't accept it." "I can't understand it." "A man with $3 million in his Christmas fund wanting to borrow $1,000." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "Good morning, Dr. Bellows." " Mr. Wilfred." "Good morning." " Doctor." "Did you say that Major Anthony Nelson has $3 million in his Christmas fund account?" "Yes, indeed." "And he borrowed some money?" "Well, just $1,000." "Perhaps you could talk to him and persuade him to borrow more." " I'll talk to him, all right." " Thank you, Dr. Bellows." "It's going to be my pleasure." "Excuse me." "You know, I got the loan without losing my ears, didn't I?" "Yes, master." "I got the loan without your help." "Yes, master." "You know, I've been thinking of buying a new car." "Maybe I'll go down and negotiate another little loan." "I do not think I would do that if I were you." "I know how to handle these people much better than you do, really." "I think that's Roger." "Oh, Jeannie, I wish you wouldn't do that." "Oh, I am sorry, Major Healey." "Jeannie, next time, let him walk up the flight of stairs." "What happened?" "Did you get your loan?" "There was nothing to it." "They couldn't do enough for me." "Really?" "I've been trying to borrow money there for two years." "Well, next time you go in just mention that you're a friend of mine." "We make the same amount of money." "You must have something I don't." "Major Nelson is very good at handling people." "Let's go over and pick out our boat, okay?" "Do you know the loveliest boat I ever saw was Cleopatra's Barge?" " No kidding?" " I'd love to have seen that." "We better get going." "I'll see you tonight." "Okay." "And no blinking." "I'll walk down, okay?" "Hey, here's a beauty." "Wow." "Look at that spinnaker." "Yeah, it's also $5,000." "Roge, we've only got 3,200." "I'm ready to go sailing, master." " Hi." " Hi." "We don't have the boat yet, Jeannie." " Say, that's a cute outfit." " Yeah." " Do you like it?" " Yeah." "Jeannie!" "Major Nelson, I..." "Well, I'll see you later, Tony." "You stay right where you are, Major Healey." "Major, what do you think you're dressed for?" "This is" " It's for sailing, sir." "The sailing number in the Christmas show..." " ... that Roger and I are rehearsing." " What show?" "Oh, that show." "You'd like it." "You're rehearsing for a Christmas show in August?" "Well, these things take time." "Has anyone left you a large sum of money recently?" " No, sir." " Good." "Major, I want you to wait right here, do you understand?" "Right here." "Quick thinking. "What show?" Very good." "Jeannie?" " Nice work." " I am sorry, but in Greece the warriors wore skirts and in Scotland..." " ... the men wear kilts" " This is Cocoa Beach and Dr. Bellows..." "Why did he ask me if I'd been left a large sum of money?" "He's wearing a sweater and a skirt and has $3 million in his Christmas fund?" "That's right, general." "Doctor, have you been analyzed recently?" "General, this time, Major Nelson won't get away with it." "His money is in the Cocoa Beach City Bank and he's in his office." "Dr. Bellows, if this is another one of your wild hallucinations you're going through psychoanalysis again." "Gladly." "That's good." "While we were at the bank, you didn't do anything, did you?" " Do what?" " If I knew, I wouldn't be asking you." "Why would anybody wanna lend me $200,000?" "You mean they wanted to lend you $200,000 and you didn't accept it?" "Jeannie, what did you do at the bank?" "If I tell you, you will not be angry with me?" "Me, angry?" "Me?" "Why would I get angry?" "!" "I've never seen a girl..." "Who are you talking to, Major Nelson?" "We were just rehearsing, sir." "You know, the Christmas play?" " You've got the next line, Roge." " My line next?" "Goodbye." "Just a moment, major." "You said he was in a skirt and sweater." "Well, obviously he changed clothes, general." "I can't wait to hear him explain away the money in his account." "Oh, is that all you're worried about?" "Well?" "Oh, yes." "Well, I started the account last January and every week, I stick a certain amount of money in there." " It all adds up, you know." " To $3,000,614?" "Three million, six hundred" "And this time, you can't blame it on any Christmas play." "The money is in the bank and it's yours." "Now, would you like to explain it now or at your court martial?" "Well, I can't explain it, sir." "I don't have $3 million." "The bank says you do." "Well, there's only one way to find out." "We'll all go down there right now." "After you, major." "I have done it to him again." " Wilfred?" " Yes, Mr. Melnick?" "This is Mr. Peterfy, the federal auditor." "How do you do, Mr. Peterfy." "Mr. Peterfy wants to ask you a question." "Always delighted to answer questions." "Mr. Melnick tells us you said one of your savings club depositors had an account containing $3 million." "Yes, Major Nelson." "I made him a loan this morning personally." "Mr. Wilfred, if Major Nelson has $3 million in his account this bank is $3 million short." " Three million dollars short?" " That is correct." "We've tracked it down to your department." "Surely you don't think that I...?" "I mean to say, you don't suspect that I...?" "But, I didn't take it!" "That money is in Major Nelson's Christmas account!" "Here it is." "Six hundred and fourteen dollars." "But I saw it here myself." "With management like this, I shall have to audit your books from top to bottom." "A $3 million mistake." "That must be a new world's record." "There's Mr. Wilfred." "He'll tell you." "Mr. Wilfred?" "This is General Peterson." " And you know Major Nelson." " I certainly do." "I want to talk to you about Major Nelson's Christmas account." " Do you, really?" " Will you please tell the general how much Major Nelson has in that account." "I'd be delighted." "He's got $614." "That must be some mistake." "I'm talking about Major Nelson's account." "I don't know what you're trying to pull but swindling a bank is a federal offence!" "Me?" "Swindle a..." "You told me he had $3 million." "Yeah, well, he hasn't." "And about that loan, major, you better come up with some security!" "This isn't the Salvation Army!" " Doctor." " No, sir." "This time, I'm not going to back down." "Somewhere in this bank is $3 million belonging to Major Nelson and I demand to know where he got it." "Doctor, I think I found that $3 million." "Good." "I knew it." "Let me have it as evidence." "May I see that, sir?" "Well, Dr. Bellows, this is your card." "Mine?" "That's impossible." "I can start my analysis in the morning." "Jeannie?" "Jeannie?" "Jeannie, it's all right, you can come out." "Are you sure you are not angry with me, master?" "Millionaires don't get angry, Jeannie." "I'm sorry about that." " But I was only trying to be helpful." " Trying to be helpful." "I must say, it was kind of fun thinking I had $3 million in the bank." "That's all right, I'm perfectly happy with the way things are." "Yes, master." "Hi." "Well, how's my friend the millionaire?" " I'm fine, Roge." " Did you hear what happened..." " ... to poor Dr. Bellows?" " Yeah, yeah." "At least one nice thing came out of this." "That poor widow will be able to buy a sewing machine now." "I do not think she's going to need one, master." "Why not?" "I believe she has a beautiful little dress shop of her own." " That's wonderful, Jeannie." " You could buy all your clothes there." " That's funny." "Oh, you're funny." " I kind of like you in skirts." " Are we gonna buy the boat?" " We have to wait." "I had to give the loan back to the bank." "That is terrible." "I will take that bank..." " ... and tear it apart!" " No, don't do anything." "They're in business to make money." "That's their business." "I doubt if Mr. Wilfred has ever been at sea." "He looks like he's never been out of the bank before." "Boy, if he could feel the rolling deck of a ship beneath his feet and feel the wind and the spray on his face he'd maybe know what he was missing." "I do not think he is ready for that yet, master." "Maybe we ought to start him off on a raft." " Jeannie!" "Jeannie!" " Jeannie!" "Jeannie!"