"Here she comes and she's mad!" "Have you finished moving your science project, Carol?" "You bet!" "We're sorry, sweetheart." "But we needed the guest room." "So you throw my volcano out on the street?" "That's wrong, Mom." "I say we keep the volcano, and just throw Carol out onto the street!" "Carol, we're all sorry." "It's just that Jeff's law school interview got moved up a week." " These things happen." " Well, I've cleaned it up as best I could." "If he finds any soot in his bed, he can sue me!" "Boy, Jeff must be 23 by now?" "I don't think we've seen him since Fred and Doris moved to Ohio..." " what, five, six years ago?" " Yeah." "Hope they've resolved that situation with his teeth." "Oh, yeah!" "Now, I remember this guy!" ""Hi!" "I'm Jeff!"" "Can it, you guys!" "Now, Jeff's a nice boy and while he's in our house..." "I expect you to treat him like one of the family." "Better yet, treat him like a human being." " Probably him." " No, please, don't get up!" "I rather enjoy doing all the work in the house." "Carol, be nice." "Come on, Dad!" "When have you ever known me not to be..." " nice." " Carol?" "Boy, somebody's really grown up!" "And somebody's really been to an orthodontist." "Well, after I graduated, I decided to do some traveling in South America." " Give us the highlights!" " Well, I went to Carnival in Rio... then I did some rock-climbing in the Andes, and then I got dysentery in Bogotá!" "That sounds fascinating!" "You've obviously never had dysentery." "So, tell us about Brazil, Jeff?" "I've always wanted to go there." "It was spectacular." "The people, the history, the culture." "I hear they got a lot of nude beaches there." "Mike!" "He's so immature." "Nude beaches aren't so great, Mike." "Yeah, where are you supposed to keep your keys?" "You can hang them on your..." "I was going to say "ear."" "Okay, we're ready for a little Trivial Pursuit." "Great!" "What are the teams?" "Hey, I'm not getting stuck with Ben again." "When he doesn't know the answer, he gets huffy." "I do not!" "Okay, Ben, I'll be on your team." "Oh, great!" "Now I have to carry Dad again." "Wait a minute, Jeff's our guest." "He should get to pick." " Yeah, Jeff, you pick!" " Okay, one question:" "Who wrote Gulliver's Travels, what's the chemical formula for sulfuric acid... and where's Tierra del Fuego?" "Jonathan Swift, H2SO4, the southernmost tip of Argentina!" "There's my partner!" " What's so funny?" " I was just thinking about..." "Carol and Jeff last night." "She has such a crush on him." "No!" "Well, I remember Miss White, my seventh-grade biology teacher." "'Course, that was more of a relationship than a crush." "And I bet every boy in your class had the same "relationship."" "No!" "I was different!" "I was the only guy allowed to clean out the hamster cage." " Sounds pretty torrid." " It was in her apartment." "Well, I found that road map." "Now, I really have to visit Aunt Vera." "Aunt Vera's the one who's always dreaming up those fatal diseases?" "You name it, she's almost died from it!" "And now, for the Huntington Huskies!" "He's number 68 in your program, and number one in your hearts." "It's Ben "The Sandman" Seaver!" "Sandman, all of America wants to know, why do they call you "The Sandman"?" "Because when I hit them, I put them to sleep!" " What position do you play, Ben?" " Defensive tackle." "One of the big boys, huh?" "What do you tip the scales at, 280?" "285?" "Seventy-three and a half." "Today he goes against the biggest offensive lineman in the league!" "Yeah, "Jumbo Jimbo" Luzetski." "4'6", 81 pounds." "They say he can eat a whole cheeseburger in one sitting." "Hey, last chance, Jeff." "Sure you don't wanna join us for some pee wee football?" "Yeah and you don't even have to watch the game." "Most guys just watch the Pee-wee-ettes!" "I'd really love to, guys, but I promised my Aunt Vera I'd stop by... so she could do this for half an hour:" ""Oh, Jeffy, I'll be dead soon." "Why don't you call more?"" "Hey, if she's dead when you get there, why don't you swing on by the game?" " Mike!" " Just kidding." " Well, we're about ready." "Where's Carol?" " You want me to get her for you, Mom?" "Yo!" "Rhinobreath!" "Thank you, Mike." "Mike, you are such a..." "Oh, hi, Jeff!" " Hi!" " Carol, you ready to go to the game?" "I've got to watch my banana bread cool." "Well, Carol, I'm no physicist, but I think it can manage without you." "I can't abandon it now, Dad." "I've been with this bread since it was dough!" "Well, okay." "Let's go, team!" " Bye, guys!" " So long." " Well, I'm out of here." " What do you have planned for today?" "Well, gonna visit a relative... then I'm gonna meet a friend in the city for dinner and a show." "What are you going to see?" " The new Gershwin revue." " I just love Gershwin." "His music is so... musical." "Hello?" "No, there's no "Spudbrain" here." "Carol, I think that's for me." "Thanks." "Yo, Tommy, buddy, bro!" "You jerk!" "What am I supposed to do with these two tickets?" "Fine, yeah." "Great." "Good talking to you, too, Spudbrain." "Bye." " Carol?" " Yeah, Jeff?" "What are you doing tonight?" " Eating banana bread." " Darn." "Shoot." "Heck." " I was hoping you weren't busy." " I can get out of it." "Would you like to see the Gershwin revue tonight?" "Gee." "Shucks." "Such short notice!" " What the heck!" " Great." "Pick you up at your place?" "You know where I live?" "Let's see, second door from the bathroom!" " Right." " Gotcha!" "Someday he'll come along" "The man I love" "And he'll be going to NYU Law School in the fall" "The man I love" "The man I love" "Hut two!" "He looks downfield... he's got the wily old veteran in the open!" "Perfect pass, mediocre catch and wait..." "Yes, another tackle for Ben "The Meat Cleaver" Seaver!" " Are you guys hungry?" " Not me." "I had Jumbo Jim for lunch!" "All right." "Somebody get this kid a cheeseburger." " A whole one?" " Yeah, and make it raw!" "Hey, I hate to sound like a mother here... but you guys won't be happy until you've broken something, will you?" " Nope!" " No." "Okay, team, hit the showers!" "Okay, Ben." "Punting practice is in the living room!" " All right!" " Joke, Mom, joke!" "So, have you heard what your daughter has planned for tonight?" "Not cross-indexing her National Geographics again." "No." "She's going to dinner and the theater in the city with Jeff." "That sounds a lot like a date." "I'm afraid that's what Carol thinks." "And Jeff just thinks he's taking his little friend Carol out to see a show." "You got it!" "Well, we shouldn't be too protective and tell her she can't go." "She'll be crushed." "Yeah, but if we let her go and then she finds out she's taking it all wrong... she'll be crushed." "Well, at least she'll get to see a good show first." " Jason..." " Well, Maggie, maybe Carol isn't quite... as carried away as we think." "I'm sure, on some level, she realizes..." "Jeff's an adult and she's still a child." "Look at this." "Holy cow!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Boy, the show was great." "The theater was packed." "It's always like that on Helmet Night." "Thank you." " She's very pretty." " She's okay." "If she's only "okay," I'd like to see your idea of "great."" "Looks aren't everything." "She looks a little dopey to me." "So, your ideal woman should be intelligent?" "Yeah, I like an intellectual woman... but she should be romantic, too... but not take herself too seriously." " Yeah, like that!" " What else?" "Wait a minute." "You have somebody specific in mind, don't you?" " Yes." " Leslie!" " Leslie?" " Jeffrey!" " Jeffrey?" " Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey Backman!" "It's you." "Leslie, I don't believe this." "I thought you were in London!" "Yes, well, I got in a fight with my acting coach." "He insisted I play Lady Macbeth in a tank top." " Hey, I'd go!" " I'm sure, you would." " I'm sorry." "Leslie, this is..." " Carol!" "Carol Seaver." "Carol, this is Leslie Berenson." "Carol's an old family friend, she's like the little sister I never had." "That's sweet." " What grade are you in, in school, Carol?" " Ninth." "If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom." "Maggie, I think I hear them." "Let's try to act natural." "Hi, honey." " Hi, Mom!" "Hi, Dad!" " Hi." "Well, I'm off to bed now!" "Wait, honey, how was the show?" "Show?" "The show was great!" " Well, good night!" " Carol?" " Yeah, Dad?" " Where's Jeff?" "Oh, my goodness!" "I must have locked him out!" "Jeffrey, I'm so sorry." "I guess I just forgot about you!" "Well, it's really my fault for not wanting to sprint that last 50 yards." "Right!" "Well, nighty-night!" "Carol!" "I think I can explain." "Well, I guess that's it." "Hey, kids, why don't you help Jeff get his bags in the car?" " Okay." "I get the big one!" " No, I want the big one!" "Okay." "But only because you're my brother and I love you." "Works every time!" "Be sure to say goodbye to Carol for me." "I really feel terrible about last night." "Jeff, how many times do we have to tell you?" "It's not your fault." "Carol gets a little carried away, but she's resilient." "She gets hurt, she bounces right back." " That's bouncy." " Jeffrey!" "I'm so glad I caught you before you left!" "I'd like you to meet Richard, my "significant other."" " Pleasure to meet you, Richard." " Significant other what?" "Richie's been out of town." "Just flew in from Paris." "Now, what were you doing in Paris, Richie?" "I was on business." "What do you do, Richie?" "He's our paper boy!" "Well, that's some route." "Well, au revoir, Jeff!" "Do come back and visit soon." "Richie and I will be upstairs." "We have so much catching up to do!" "We're so this way." "This is incredible!" "I come here to collect for the paper... and I find romance." "But then, they say it comes when you least expect it." "Get off of me!" "Get out of here!" "Not that way." "This way." "We're on the second floor." "There's a ledge and a drain pipe." "Use your imagination." "Now, out!" "All right, I'm going." "Wait!" "Is this a test of my love for you?" "Sure." "Now please, go!" "I am such a jerk!" "Hi." " Where's Richie?" " I threw him out." " Out where?" " Out there." "Don't worry, he climbs like a squirrel." "Well, sounds like you two have a pretty stormy relationship." "Come off it, Dad, you know Richie and I don't have a relationship!" "I just pretended he was my boyfriend so I could get back at Jeff!" " Sweetheart..." " Jeff must think I'm the biggest... doofus he's ever seen!" "No, Carol, Jeff does not think you're a doofus." "He thinks you're a beautiful, intelligent young woman... who just happens to be a little too young for him." "Yeah, sure." "Carol, that's what he said." "He feels terrible about the whole thing." "Everybody acts a little crazy sometimes, you know." "That doesn't mean you're a jerk." " It just means you follow your heart." " That's right, honey." "In fact, your father... made a major bozo of himself over his seventh-grade biology teacher." " Yeah?" "What'd you do?" " I didn't do anything..." "Oh, come on!" "Well, mine's a little embarrassing..." "I kidnapped her hamsters and threatened to flush them... if she married Mr. Sprinkleman, the shop teacher." " You didn't tell me that." " You didn't really do that." "I really did!" "Then I put a bag over my head... and I stood outside her window and sang, That's What You Get For Lovin'Me." " You didn't?" " You must have looked like a real doofus!" "It happens to be one of my best numbers." "Well, I'm sure your mother's not exactly an innocent in the... doofus-for-Iove department!" "Yeah?" "What have you done?" "Well, honey, I've done so many silly things..." " I couldn't possibly list them all." " Come on, just pick one." "Yeah." "The silliest." "Well, okay." "Let's see." "Okay." "Okay." "Once I wrote a note that said:" ""I think you're cute," to a boy I didn't even know." "That's the silliest thing you ever did?" "Your mother's a pretty zany lady, Carol." "So, I guess, you're trying to tell me, this problem is genetic." " Mom?" " Yeah, sweetheart?" "Did Jeff really say that he thinks that I'm beautiful... and intelligent?" "He really said that." "And I think he'd appreciate it... if you went downstairs and said goodbye to him." " He's still here?" " He said he'd wait for you." "Yeah?" "Did he say how long?" " Hi." " Hi." "I really appreciate you coming down to say goodbye... what with Richie coming in from Paris and all." "Yeah, well..." "Richie and I have an understanding." "He lets me say goodbye to other men." "Look, Carol, if I hurt you in any way, I'm really sorry." " I just want..." " Don't worry about it." "I mean... we had some good times." " What more can you ask for from life?" " Yeah." "Well, if it makes any difference... if we were both 14, I'd be one lovesick puppy." " Really?" " Really." "Imagine how fun it would be if we were both 23." "Well, maybe when I'm 23 and you're 32." "Or when you're 32 and I'm 41." "Hey, I'm not gonna be wanting to date any old geezers in the prime of my life." " What if I'm a rich old geezer?" " We'll talk." "You know, you're very special, Carol." "Pretty soon you're gonna bump into some lucky guy your own age... who's going to find that out." "Bye, Carol." "Bye, Spudbrain." " Richie!" " Well..." "Guess I should be going, huh?" "Oh, Richie." "I'm sorry I was so rude to you." " I hope you can forgive me." " That's okay." "This was the best day of my life." " You're sweet." "Thanks for everything." " Sure." "You know, I couldn't help but overhear what Jeff was saying about... some lucky guy your own age and I just thought since I am 14..." "Go!" "Men." "Ready!" "Set!" "Tito, Michael, Jermaine!" "Hike!" " I'm open!" " Hey, you guys really won't be happy..." " until something gets broken, will you?" " All right." "Time out." "I'm sorry." "Mother's right!" "Hut!" "Hut!" "English"