"Don't worry madam, this is a perfectly routine procedure." "Now, can you see the man who tried to give your cat the ecstasy tablet?" "No... no... no..." "That's him!" "That's the man!" "Is it 'coz I iz black?" "Me said 'Bo Selekta'!" "Shout goin' out to the West Midlands." "Believe it or not, in our society fings like dat happen every day- apart from de breakdancing' bit." "In police stations up and down de country innocent people is gettin' fingered." "C'mon, let's stop de fingering'." "Aii?" "Dat was an identity parade." "We is all got an identity, infact me mate Dave is got three." "He's known as George Phillips in de Bracknell Benefit office an' in de one in Slough, yeknow, in Upton Lodge, he's Sally Kemp." "Dis show is also about freedom." "Freedom to fink, freedom to speak, and freedom... to fink... even more." "Dere is some people out dere dat is so ignorant dat dey spend all deir time readin' books an' don't even bother watching' telly." "British TV is known 'round de world for its in-depth documentaries, nature programmes and unbiased news." "America has so far managed to avoid dat kind of shite an still has telly of de highest quality - check this." "Selector." "Now it ain't just Britain that has got the telly, now it has also spread to a place called America." "That is why I is come here to Hollywood and I ain't talking about the night club in Bracknell to see the set of America most famous drama called 'The Bold and the Beautiful' which apparently is about a thick girl with a shaven haven." "Respect." "You better send me those pictures Amber, or I swear you'll be sorry." "I've been introduced as B and B's new bad girl." " Aii." "so to give you a little future of what's gonna happen without tellin' you specifics." "For real?" " Yeah." "And can you tell us specifics?" "No it's a secret, you'll just have to watch." "So what is it like when you do the romance scenes?" "What does that feel like?" " Erm well I haven't had very many." "In Europe they cut out all the bits of it actually goin' in, or whatever, is you upset about that?" "I don't understand." "They don't really show the whole thing in Europe they just cut to you wakin' up, you know, in the morning as if... you know..." "Well, they don't show it goin' in here either." "But they have very strong censorshipin'." "What, you don't actually do it all for real here or...?" " No!" "You don't?" "!" "You act doin' all that kind of thing?" "Is that true?" "You act doin' all that thing in..." " No, oh my goodness, no." "Can I be in this scene?" "No." "Unfortunately not." "Just anybody can't go on there, they need to go special through the casting office." "Can I not just be in the background or..." " There are special laws even for that." "on the side of the bed or..." " I'm sorry." "Dave said beforehand I was gonna be in the whole thing that's why I was... so into doing it." " No, no." "You said that I was gonna be in the fuckin' thing, excuse my french..." "Sorry, but he did promise me." "Sorry about me language." "Well, he shouldn't have promised." "Can I have a go?" "Can I have a go?" "Sure." " Fanks." "Ok, alright." "Talkin' about the sets." " What?" " Talkin' about the sets." " Ok." "Why is we whispering?" "Oh, I thought it was 'cos you were." " I was whispering 'cos you was whispering." "Oh, I'm sorry." " Oh, alright." "I thought I was whispering 'cos you was whispering." "I thought maybe somebody came by and was one of the..." "No no no, I was whispering because you was whispering." "No no, I was whispering because you are whispering." "I know that I started 'cos you started first and then I did the whispering' fing." "Oh, it's good to be..." "Shh well, we have to be very quite in the hall 'cos we have shows taping." "Now I is gonna check out Sally Jesse Raphiel." "She be like Vannessa Feltz except she look well different." "You'll see what I mean." "Check it." "As you sayin' I is here from England and is it cool with you lot if I just sit in the audience and just check this out cos' I is a big fan here" "This is my first time in the US of A and I is lovin' your country." "Could I ask you about one of the problems I is got?" " Surely." "A few weeks ago me was goin' down Eggham High Street from where me live and me see me uncle Jamal's van there and on the back it says:" "If this bus is rockin', don't come knockin' or whatever." "But I heard these sounds coming from his van and I opened the back and I see this massive geezer like attacking' me uncle Jamal." "I think I was gonna try and stop them 'cos I is hearing' the shouting and screaming an' whatever and then I see that this geezers why is this geezer attacking him if his pants is down and I realised he ain't attacking him, he's actually kissing him." "So were it screams of delight or were they screams of anger or were the screams..." "what kind were they?" "When I heard it I thought he was getting beaten up or something." "Aha, but then you realised that they were havin' sex." "I don't know if they was definitely doing that but they weren't wearing..." "They were having sex." " ...stuff" "Is your accent real?" " I can't hear what you're sayin'." "Is your accent real?" " Is my accent..." "I tell you I know that a lot of people out here in America fink that everyone speak like the queen." "But I tell you dere is a lot of people who is livin' not like the queen or don't speak like the queen." "So it ain't my problem if I don't sound like the queen." "I ain't the queen." "Once they start puttin' the crown on my head, givin' me all the money, then maybe I'll start speakin' like the queen." "But until that time I ain't speaking' like the queen." "Me own posse is the West Staines Massive." "It'll be an honour to me and all dem of me boys at home if you could big them up." "Can I 'ear it for the West Staines Massive." "Staines..." "Staines, Staines, Staines..." "Sally, Sally, Sally..." "What advice do you have for me for doin' for the first time me own show?" "I think you're doin' pretty well." " Dat is very kind." "Thank you." "You know what's good about you?" " What?" " You are you." "Thank you." " You're welcome." "That's very nice, what do you mean by that?" "It's a nice compliment." " Dat's very nice." "It means you are who you are." "Thank you very much." "Yo yo yo, him take 'nuff risks when him spin' dem disks." "Big it up for DJ Tha4orce." "By the way, before I forget me Julie said she know you." "Julie?" "..." "Julie?" "Let me tink bout dat right now." "Ah, Julie man she alright o good." "From long time she have a birfmark on her batty?" "So has you met her or not?" "Now the people at the channel said:" "Ali, who would you like to interview?" "Me said get me president Blairs." "But him said won't do it." "Me said get me the other guy, the contraversative." "The one who married that woman so people wouldn't fink him was batty." "But he said he wouldn't do it." "Me said just get me someone me not even that bovered." "So please welcome the best Prime Minister this country ever had:" "Ray Hattersley." "Big up yourself, big up yourself." "Big up youself." "How's about after the show, you, me, her, a jacuzzi and anything you want from KFC, anything?" "So is Roy short for Leroy?" "No, Roy is short for nothing." "Where I come from there are a lot of Roy," "Roys are thick on the ground in Yorkshire." "Roy's a very common name." "So, Roystan." "What's happened to all your old homies like Neil Pillock?" "Well, he's a big man in Europe, he's really running things from..." "He's running tings there." " Yeah, and as everybody knows their really running although their running things there, they're also running things here." "Aii, for real." "The Amsterdam connection, Aii?" "That's right." "So why don't you just get all your bad boys back together:" "You, Pillock, Dr Livingston, MC Foot and mash up Blairs and all his rude boys?" "I wasn't a bad boy, I was a good boy you can possibly imagine." "Actually you has got to be well careful though if you attack the government, you need somebody well hard to take out Mo Mowlem 'cos she in the IRA, innit?" "Yep." "Well, she was but then Blair removed her from Ireland altogether and now she's, now she's probably in the WVS." "Is that a rap group?" " Women's Volunteer." "So tell me what is Tony Blairs really like?" "Oh, erm, he wants to be Prime Minister." "Do you think he ever will be?" "I think in ten years time..." " Aii." "Tony Blair will still be Prime minister of this country." "Do you think that he is perhaps a bit of a dong?" "I think he's a pretty successful Prime Minister." "Listen, I know you can't say it because otherwise:" "Booka!" "Is Tony Blairs not not a dong?" "Well..." " Aii, for real?" "Since I don't know if he IS one, I don't know if he ISN'T one either." "Alright well let me ask one last question with this, the opposite of everything you say is true:" "So is he a dong?" "No..." "So he is a dong, you heard it here." "He said he was a dong." "Check this." "I is heard that Tony Blairs' Mrs... is preggers, is that true?" "I think it must be true 'cause it's been in all the newspapers." "But don't you think it sends a bad message to young people im gettin' his wife up the duff." "I mean, you'd think as President he'd have more taste and be gettin' some quality muff like Maria Carrey." "I think quite the opposite." "I mean, I think Blair is a lucky Prime Minister." "Aii." " And that's a good thing to be." "And I think the fact that his wife's having another baby will move him up the opinion polls 5%, 10%, I don't know, make him even more popular." "Me is heard from a mate that the kid is gonna be black." "And he know, you gettin' me, me mate know, it's gonna be black." "Is that true?" "I think if I was a betting man I'd probably gamble against it being black." "Ain't that a bit racialist though?" "No, I'd gamble against it being black simply on the probability." "So what do you think about Maggie Fatcher?" "I think she was a catastrophe." "Aii." "What would have happened if you would have fallen in love with her?" "I would have been certified as insane." "Did you ever think though of flippin' her over and boning' her?" "You know... politicians don't like to give straight answers." " For Real?" "But I think I can say without much doubt that I never actually thought of that." "So is you telling me that no one from your party has hactually seen Maggie's Thatch?" "There are some Sacrifices which are above and beyond the call of duty." "Thank you very much, Les Battersbey." "Big up the old school Labours." "Alright, don't go menstrual you has been on it for ages." "Welcome back, during the break me and Roy has just been chillin', he's been tellin' me some stories." "In one go, unbelievable." "Now check the state of family today:" "Girls is havin' sex at younger ages, dere is an increase in absentee fathers and more and more people is havin' affairs." "But we shouldn't just concentrate on the good things." "To discuss some of the more shity aspects as well me got on a nanny, a headmaster, an author and some old biddy into a room for a discussion." "Realise." "So at what age do you think you should start beatin' your kids?" "Never beating." " No." " I ain't talking about beating the crap out of them but just something like a little dead arm or something like that." "Oh no absolutely." "I mean when you think about it a child learns from a small amount of pain." "Do you think it's right to get a wet towel and flick the batty with it?" "I don't think it would hurt them very much." "'Cos that will teach them discipline but also a sense of humour 'cos it can be funny for the kid as well." "I mean, I don't think it's for any person to interfere in another person's way of doing things with their family..." "Let's bring this on." "At what age should parents give their kids their first spliff?" "What's a spliff?" "Like a..." "It's illegal, do you know that?" "It ain't illegal if your dad gives it to you, dat's..." "Do you think at least they should teach them how to recognise good gears so they don't get sold dodgey old garbage." "No, you should never teach a child that you'll go to hell for it." "You want to end up in your middle years visiting your child in prison where he's beaten and buggered and given drugs and his life is finished?" "I mean that's just the pits man." "For real, for real, that's the pits, as you would say." " Ok." "Let's bring this on." "I is read about this woman who is eighty who had a kid" " Eighty?" "...by having sex with a test tube or whatever." "Do you think it's right?" "I think there's something repulsive to it actually." "And do you think it's ever right to have the test tube?" "Yeah, I think for couples, loving couples, who can create a wonderful family for a child, for some reason they can't do it biologically, that's a scientific benefit." "Ain't it unfair bringing' up a kid inside a tube?" "Ain't that gonna be well bad for the kid?" "It's not inside a tube." "I mean it's just the conception, isn't it?" "It grows up in the womb." "I think the child needs to feel the womb of the mother the heart beat and be loved in the mother." " For real, but as the first years or whatever that is gonna ruin the kids head and the way it fink of the world if it's livin' in a tube." " I wouldn't even know about it." "It doesn't live in a tube." " Well, how big is the tube?" "It's just the conception." " How big is the tube?" "It's just an ordinary tiny tube, and it's just the ordinary conception." "And they put it in bigger tubes when it..." " Not a baby." "It's the conception." "But they do until like year..." "at what age do they take it out the tube?" "It's never in the tube." " Days or hours." " Ok." "Do you think homosexuals who is gay should be allowed to adopt kids?" "I think it's an unnatural situation and not in the best interests of the children themselves." "Do you not fink it could be good because the kid could learn about the joys of brown love from a young age?" " What's brown love?" "Well, it could know that it ain't..." "sex ain't only there, you know, there is also the brown wings whatever." "You mean homosexuals and lesbians and..." " Aii, for real, but that is an option." "I think we need to teach children to understand that there are people who have an attraction to their same sex, but that it's unnatural." "What about a couple of girls who like to drink from the furry cup?" "Should they be allowed to adopt kids?" "A couple of whom?" " Who like... who like to... you know eat from the bushy bowl whatever should they be allowed to adopt kids?" "I have never no experience in this and I really don't know." " Ok." "Do you fink there is enough teenage pregnancy?" "Too much." "But don't you fink if it's working down there then put it to use?" "If the grass is on the pitch, let's play." "What about is known as the cognitive maturity to be able to relate cause and effect, for example." "How come there is so much teenage pregnancy if English girls is all so frigid?" "Explain that." "I don't know that they are." "Well, they are." "They is got nothing on the French 'cos me mate went to Calais and him slept with three girls and that was only in a day trip and one of them was twenty-eight." "Well, that's just promiscuous for Gods sake he must have paid them he didn't pick them up in a supermarket." "That's just promiscuous." "No, he said they fancy him and one of them was a model." "They do it for a living." "Now me don't know if any of you has heard of it, but there is something out there called:" "The Third World." "These is some of the poorest and most shitty countries on the whole planet." "Some of the children in Bangladesh is so poor that they is wearing trainers dat is three or four years old." "What is needed is sneakers dat have real grip when it comes to the problems these kids face in doing the moon walk and crazy legs." "This is Samira." "She has to walk for over thirty miles to the nearest disco." "And don't think that just because she lives in the jungle she'd has ever heard any." "She ain't never listened to nothin' above 130 bpm." "So what we wanna do today is turn the tables on the Third World by giving the Third World turn tables." "If you remember one thing from tonight, let it be this:" "Give a man a compilation tape and he will dance for a night, teach a man to scratch and he'll be dancin' for generations." "Cool." "Of course what is most important for these people is access to clean water." "So that when they is e'd up they don't get dehydrated." "But now here to lend her support in the studio please give it up for a very special lady, all the way from Albert Square, it's Melanie from Eastenders." "How you doing?" "Melanie!" "Can me just say, and I hope everyone out there agree with me, that you is the best thing in dat show you is habsolutely brilliant." "Riccay, Ricci." "I love you, Riccaii." "So tell us why do you fink we should help the Third World?" "Well, there's so much suffering, there's been some disastrous famines, especially in the last few years, disease and pain for millions of people and I think it's our responsibility to help." "For real, I is feelin' that you care." "And, Melanie, there is someone I really want you to meet." "Please brothers and sisters welcome Gary Ingrams, the lucky winner of our" "'I get to nob Mel from Eastenders- competition'." "Easy now." "Big up yourself." "You are joking, no?" " No." "But I've come on to help a good cause and do a bit of a tap dance, not have sex with a teenager." " But... they've been sellin' tickets in every Little Chef round the country." "I meself has bought forty." "Well, maybe you should have thought about askin' me first." "But how do you think this poor boy must be feelin'?" "I mean, look at him." "It ain't gonna take very long." "No." "Fair enough, me respect you all the more for that." "Will you at least bring him off?" "No!" "Come on, it's for charity, just a, just a quick shake and vac?" "I'm sorry..." "I'm sorry, but no." "Well, you is a very, very bad person and I hope that Coronation Street go down the tube." " Eastenders." "Whatever, speak to the 'and because the face ain't listening'." "Ali, you're actually really immature aren't you?" "Erm, what's... what's the number after... after two?" "Three?" " Three!" "Jinxed, you cannot speak till I say your name." "Victoria." "Victoria." "As for you, don't worry, I'll introduce you to me sister, buy her a pack of quavers and she'll sort you out." "Steve Tha4orce, let it rock!" "Booyakasha." "Now we all look back at de music of de '80s an laugh hysterically at deir hair and clothes." "But who knows, in 50 years time people may look at a picture of me and fink I look ridiculous." "I doubt it." "Dat is why at dis week I is gonna take an '80s legend an' help bring her into dis, de 21th century." "So, from de Pretenders, please big it up for Chrissie Hynde." "I tell you, Chrissie, de main reason I got you on dis show is as a favour for me" "Uncle Jamal - him always talk abut havin' a sandwich between you an Suzi Quattro." "Sounds good." "You ain't met me Uncle Jamal." "Now age wise - you, you ain't no Billy, but as me nan says:" "You is only as old as de man you feel." "And she is currently feeling' a 37 year old." "Hallo Uncle Derek." "What is you gonna play for us tonight?" "I'm gonna sing the classic:" "'It's a Thin Line between Love and Hate'." "I recognise your accent." "Is you from Eggham?" "Ladies and Gentlemen, big it up for non other dan the legend Chrissie Hynde!" "It's a thin line between love and hate." "It's a thin line between love and hate." "It's fi-ive o'clock in the morning and you're just gettin' in." "You knock on the door..." " Dis is really depressing'." "U iz ruining' de whole vibe of de show." " And a voice sweet and low says:" "Lets speed dis up a tiny bit." " Who is it?" "She opens up the door and lets you in." "Never once asks where you've been." " Let's speed it up a tiny bit more." "She said:" "Are you hungry, did you eat ye'?" " Yeah!" "Let me hang up your coat." " Up a bit more." "Feelin' the vibe." "Pass me your hat." "All the times she's smiling, never once raises her..." "Thin line" "Between love and hate" "It's a thin line" " Between love and hate." "He's gonna fool you one day." "Sweetest woman in the world." " Bo bo bo" "The sweetest woman in the world." " Chrissie in the house." "Hold tight Ricci C, Ricci C." "One two one two the ivy crew." "Shout goin' out to me Julie." "Mum I is gonna be home at about 11.30." "Between love and hate." "Can I have chips instead of onion rings tonight?" "Gonna fool you one day." "There is a fin line between love and hate." "It's a thin line..." " As Chrissie Hynde says tonight there is a fin line between many things in life and especially between punani and batty." "So take care and don't take your Mrs up the wrong one" "Gonna fool you one day" " Good night and Jah bless." "Respect!" "Bo!" " Yes, it is." "We has just got time to update you on the telefon thing." "Reebok has offered 40.000 pairs of trainers to give to the Third World." "An' there is only one thing to say to that:" "Reebok come off it, it ain't 1991." "They may be poor but they ain't desperate." "Peace."