"Okay" "I've done the banner, the food's all sorted and the champagne's on ice" "Susan, this is just a pre-wedding party" "Did we have to order real champagne?" "I mean, some of those sparkling Spanish wines are just as good" "True" "The sparkling wine you wanted to order came from Libya" "Well, those New World wines, darling, are excellent" "Libya is not the New World" "It's one of the oldest civilisations on Earth" "And just two quid a bottle" "Did you pick up the figures for the top of the cake?" "Yes Although I couldn't get a groom with Roger's vacant, slightly confused stare" "Well, I could always paint one on" "It's just that weddings always make me a little emotional" "A new couple starting a home, sharing adventures, having children, maybe grandchildren" "And then dying" "What?" "It's the cycle of life It's a beautiful thing" "# I'm getting married in the morning" "Who, me?" "Yes, me!" "# Ding dong!" "The bells are going to chime #" " Morning How's my best man?" " Yeah" "Stinking of Pledge and ten grand poorer" "How's the hangover, Ben?" " That was some stag night" " Oh, don't remind me" "What?" "A bottle of shandy, watching The Railway Children?" "Good God, I can sleep that one off" " Flowers, Roger?" " Oh, yes, they're from mum" "She still can't make the wedding but she sent these" " Very classy lady" " Lilies?" "Aren't they more for" " What?" " Nothing" "Seriously, Ben, it's going to mean so much to me standing at the altar with my best friend at my side" "Why, has he been in touch?" "Well, if he wants to do it, it's fine by me" "Oh, you big kidder!" "So, all set for tomorrow?" "Yes It's tomorrow, isn't it?" "(BREATHING HEAVILY) Gosh, gosh, the day's almost here" "He's going, Susan" "The most important day of my life" "He's having one of his panic attacks" "Do something No, no, no!" "Not that" "I'm getting a tingling down my left arm" " He's getting hysterical" " Boo!" "No!" "It's a panic attack, not the hiccups" "Actually, Susan, I do feel a little bit better" "Oh, let me give him a little slap just to be on the safe side" "No Ben, Ben, Ben" "Well, it's going well so far Hello" "It's quite fun having people around" "Yes, Ben It's what's called a social life" "Oh, yeah" "Have you seen the silver fruit bowl?" "I put it upstairs in case someone nicks it" "Good move" "Hi, Abi, any last-minute nerves?" "No Just a flutter of excitement in my tummy every time I look across the room and see Roger" "You sure it's excitement?" "'Cause nausea can feel very similar" "Oh, God Mum's on the pull again" " Mum" " Oh, Abi" " Lovely to see you, Shelly" " Back at you" "I thought Clairol had stopped making that colour" "Actually, it's natural" "Well, the dye's made from natural ingredients" "Ben, still as handsome as ever" "Well, I like to keep myself in trim" "Yeah, um No Bernard with you tonight?" "He was two husbands and three houses ago" " Oh, keep up, babes" " You certainly seem to get through them" "Yeah Yeah, I do, don't I?" "That's why I'm so proud of my little Abi" "Jumping into the saddle from which her poor old mam has been thrown so many, many times" "You're so brave" " Excuse me, I'll get another drink" " Oh, top me up, babe" "Sorry" "You know, Susan," "I think I married the wrong Harper when I married Dick" "I tell you, babes, you want to hang on to this one" "You're a very lucky girl" "I tell myself that every time I pick up his underpants from the floor" "Oh!" "Don't start talking about his pants You'll get me at it" " I think I'll circulate" " No Don't, Susan, don't Susan" "Hello Susan Janey Janey!" "I don't suppose either of you have remembered it's my birthday tomorrow?" " Um" " That would spoil the surprise" "Don't even bother trying to lie Everyone always forgets" "And to top it off this year, my boyfriend's away," "Kenzo's with his dad and I've got to spend the day at a cabbage patch wedding" "Well, at least you get to be a bridesmaid" "Oh, whoop-de-doo!" "Yeah, Michael, have you seen my dress?" "Yeah, how would you like to spend the day looking like something that covers a toilet roll?" "Hello Totty at two o'clock Watch and learn, Alfie" " Alfie, there you are" " You know each other?" "We were chatting in the kitchen earlier" " Then it's high time you introduced me" " That's Michael" "Thank goodness you're here I was just saying to Alfie if this party doesn't liven up soon, I'm going home" " You mean upstairs to your bedroom?" " Yes" "I still live with my parents, too It's lovely though, isn't it?" " Yes" " I need to go and get another drink" " I'll get it" " I'll get it" " What are you playing at?" " She's after me" "Beautiful women are drawn to me like moths to a flame" "Flies to a corpse, you mean?" "Now, back off" "Why don't you back off?" "Well, if you're going to behave like this, we're clearly going to need some ground rules" "I'll tell you what the rules are, Michael" "There are no rules, mano a mano." "Suits me May the best man win" " No mercy" " No surrender" " No quarter asked" " No quarter given" " After you" " No, after you" "Right, see you later Bye" "Enjoying yourself?" "Good, good Lovely Don't drink too much Good" "After you" "Great" "Ah, yes" "Alone at last" "Roger's uncle's just been sick in the downstairs loo" "He thought the potpourri was Bombay mix" " Sit down Relax, have a drink" " Have a drink?" "Have a drink?" "It may have escaped your notice but this is a party" "Susan, calm down Look, look, look, I haven't done anything for ages" "What can I do to help?" "You could clear up the sick in the downstairs loo" "Nope Apart from that" "Okay You're so right You're so right I'm just going to sit here and enjoy my red wine" "Hello, darling" "Hello" "Did I mention I do a bit of modelling?" "Michael" " Cheers, Mum" " Michael, are you meant to have alcohol with your special medication?" "They're not for you anyway I want you to hand these round for me" "Actually, Mum, I'm talking at the moment" "Michael!" "(ALFIE EXCLAIMING)" "Thank you, my man" "Thanks" "BOTH:" "Cheers" "Yeah, you know, Michael's very close to his mother, which is quite common with gay men" " Michael's gay?" " Yes Yes, that's right" "But he's only just come out so he's not really comfortable talking about it" " Strange" " Yeah, you wouldn't think it, would you?" "Mind you, the walk is a bit" "Well, no, 'cause he said exactly the same thing about you" "Oh, Roger" "Is it right us seeing each other like this the night before our wedding?" "I'm a maverick, Abi I make up my own rules" "That's right, babe, get stuck in" "You never know how long that moment's going to last" "Hello, Ben Hello, Shelly" "Mum" "Anyway, I'd better be getting on myself People will be wondering where I am" "Oh, no, you don't, Ben Harper" " You ain't going nowhere" " Really?" "Aren't I?" "It's about my teeth This one here" "Well, pop down the surgery anytime" "No Not good enough I want you to look at it now" "And I can open very wide" "I'm sure you can" "Right Okay Right, well, let's have a little look then, shall we?" "Can't Can't be too Can't be too careful" "Okay Let's use a little spatula" "Sorry, sorry It's party time Open wide, then" "Oh, dear Oh, dear, dear, dear Let's have a little look" "Now, I need a little bit more light here" "Okay" "No, no I really can't see anything No, you seem to be perfectly intact" "Ooh, you're so assured" "(GIGGLING)" "Oh, dear" "Going down" "You're such a fast worker" "Oh, hi, darling Just checking Shelly's bicuspid" "I've never heard it called that before" " Hola." " Take anything" "Take anything but don't touch the face" " Are you all right, Ben?" " What are you doing up so late?" "Oh, no reason" "I shouldn't trouble you with it anyway" "Okay Fair enough Good night, then" "Abi, are you crying?" "No" "Oh, come here Come on" "Sit down" "What's up?" "It's just getting married" "I don't know if I'm doing the right thing" "What?" "Is that marrying in general or marrying Roger?" "Because there is a difference" "No" "It's just I saw my mum tonight and it really made me think" "I mean, she's been married God knows how many times" " and she's never made it work" " Well, that doesn't mean you can't" " Do you think?" " Yeah Look" "I don't profess to know everything there is about marriage, but, well, for me and Susan, it just seems to work" "Really?" "Yeah" "Look, Abi Marriage is like" "It's like a boxing match, you know?" "Two people in a ring Sometimes they're dancing together and sometimes they're holding on to each other for support and the next minute they're knocking each other senseless" "Right" "But, you know, when the whole thing's done, final bell is rung, you can count on one thing" "You'll go up to each other and have a little cuddle?" "Nah You're going to need medical attention" " Right, thanks for that" " Yeah" "Actually not a bad analogy, that Yeah, boxing Yeah Love boxing" "Mind you, it's on Sky now, pay-per-view Bloody rip-off" " Right, well Night, Ben" " Yeah Good night" "Have I Have I been any help?" "Yeah" "You've really cleared things up for me" "That's good Good" "I'll have a little nightcap, then" "Mum, it's awful" "You look" " You look like a princess" " Yeah" " The one in Shrek." " It's fine" "(STATIC BUZZING)" " Bloody hell!" " Yes, Mum" "I'm enjoying the luxury of 100% pure nylon" "Thank God my Steve's not going to see me in this" "I'm sorry, Janey, but today's about Roger and Abi" "Just about Roger and Abi?" "Today doesn't have any other significance for you?" "The clocks don't go back, do they?" " My birthday?" " Oh, darling" "(STATIC BUZZING)" " Bloody hell!" " Sorry, Mum" "For goodness sake, don't hug your Uncle Vernon He's got a pacemaker" "Hello" "What are you crying for?" "You're not paying for it" "Ben, I have occasional tables that have more sentiment than you" "Why do they call them occasional tables?" "I wonder what they do for the rest of the time?" "What a curious little world you inhabit" "Hello, Shelly" "Where is this bride?" " She said she needed to clear her head" " Really?" "That won't take long" "Okay, in the meantime" "You fill in one number in that Sudoku, and I'm booking this church for your funeral" "I see, so neither of you are gay" "That's right Yes" "I think, as heterosexual men who aren't afraid of commitment, we were both just caught up in the emotion of last night" "Oh" "Michael, are you okay?" "Yeah, well, I've just been puking my guts up in the bog" "Well, it certainly hasn't blunted your silver-tongued charm with the ladies" "Must have been something I ate" "I need some air" "Well, I don't see how that's possible, I made him breakfast myself" "Nice hairdo, very Russell Brand" "It's the static It won't go down" "It's all I can do to keep my arms by my side" "(MOBILE RINGING)" "That's me" "Oh, it's Steve Hi, baby How are you?" "Yeah Yeah, it is bad connection" "Yeah, there must be static on the line because it sounded to me like you just said you were dumping me" "You are dumping me?" "Hello?" "Wouldn't it just be easier if you put a message on your voice mail?" ""Hi, this is Janey Press one if you want to dump me"" "Ow!" "Next time, you get a hug" "Shh, please" "What's she doing, Ben?" "I mean, where is she?" " Calm down, Roger" " Abi!" "Abi!" "Roger, calm down" "Roger!" "It's all right She's probably got distracted by something shiny" "(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS ON ORGAN)" "No, no, no Tell her to stop Stop!" "Sorry Sorry Sorry about that Okay" "Women Women, eh?" "Always late" " You're the best man Go and find her" " Right, okay" "(EXCLAIMING)" "Shelly, you do realise I'm married to Ben?" "Of course I do, babes, but you can't blame a girl for trying" " Where's Roger?" " He's gone outside looking for you" "They're over there, look Cooee!" "(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS ON ORGAN)" "Well, why not?" "I could give you several reasons why not" "I do" "And do you, Abigail Teresa Bernard Harper, take Roger Bailey to be your lawful wedded husband, in sickness and in health," "to love and to cherish, from this day forward, so long as you both shall live?" "Abi?" "No" "You what?" "I'm sorry I've been having doubts and something Ben said last night made it very clear" "I can't go through with it" "What?" "You'll have to ask Ben" "Ben knows all about it" "(STAMMERING) I think she said Ken She said Ken" "Yeah, yeah, she said Ken I mean, I definitely heard Ken" "It was Ken, wasn't it?" " No, it wasn't" " Okay" "I want to know how someone as evil as you can come into a church without turning to dust" "Don't worry, Rog She'll get her back She'll get her back" "And it's fine You know, you're still young Plenty of fish in the sea" "All right, calm!" "Calm down, it's fine It's fine Just over-excitement" "And I'll find his Play music, music, anything" "Just Sorry" "(PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)" "Abi, what is this?" "I can't go through with it I just can't" "But why?" "You and Roger are made for each other He's a lovely man" "Exactly I'm not good enough for him" "I'm just like my mum" "Oh, I'll be all right for the first year, 18 months" "Then my head will get turned by some flashy used car dealer, and I'll be off on the first yacht to Monte" "What?" "We've always been flighty, us Harper women" "Infidelity runs in the blood" "Roger deserves better than that" "Abi, it doesn't work like that I'm nothing like my mother" "She's an alcoholic control freak who can't cook" "All I'm trying to say is just because your mother is an amoral, philandering trollop doesn't mean that you are" " Do you really mean that?" " Of course I do" "But what about what Ben said?" "What did Ben say?" "About how marriage is like being punched in the face for 12 rounds by Mike Tyson" "Did he?" "That's what marriage is going to be like for Ben" "But it shouldn't be normally, and it won't be for you and Roger" "(PANTING)" "Everything all right?" "So, our marriage is like a boxing match, is it?" "Ah, so Abi told you about our little chat?" "Good, good So we can move on" "If by "move on" you mean I put your conkers in a coffee grinder," " then, yes, we can move on" " Okay Good Fine" "So, I'll report back, shall I?" "So how long shall I say?" " Get out" " I'm getting out, getting out" "Doing as you say Thank you" "Now, how could you ever think a man like that could be right about anything?" "I know what you mean He's an idiot, isn't he?" "Now, are you ready to go out there again?" "Well, there's something else" "What now?" " There's another man" " What?" "(PLAYING HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDUH)" "Hello Good, good, you're enjoying yourselves, great" "It's me again Um" "Right, just to keep you in the picture" "I can't quite get an angle on this fellow Ken yet, but there may be some developments quite soon" "So, in the meantime, just, you know, relax, enjoy yourself" "And I've got a Sudoku, so I'll be getting on with that" "So, thank you for your patience Sorry to keep you" " I don't blame you, Ben" " No Thank you Yes, but it was Ken" "I know Here, while there's a lull in the proceedings, how about you and me sneaking into that little Roller out there and checking out the suspension?" "Say what?" "Come on, it'll be a bit of a laugh" "Yes, it would Well, call me old-fashioned but, you know, your daughter's out there" "You know, shouldn't you be with her?" "I mean, after all it is her wedding" " Gather your nuts while you may" " Please" "(GROANING)" "What?" "It's my birthday" "Shame I haven't got my guitar" "He pawned it 'cause he hasn't got a job" " Michael's got a rash" " Alfie" "Can I have a word?" "Look, she clearly fancies me, so just back off" "What do you mean fancies you?" "It's me she's after" "She was open-mouthed when I was telling her about the recent advances in animal husbandry" "Yes It was the longest yawn I've ever seen" "Look, I've backed down for you in the past" "Now it's your turn to do a favour for me" "ALFIE:" "So that's why you've dragged me in here" "MICHAEL:" "Yes It's the only place we could do this Well?" "ALFIE:" "But why should you always be the one who ends on top?" "MICHAEL:" "I don't Anyway, we should be taking it in turns" " Is it serious?" " Yeah, deadly" " When was the last time you saw him?" " Friday night" " Where was Roger?" " He was with me" " What?" " I know" "I'm terrible, aren't I, Susan?" "Hang on" "Last Friday night we were all together watching Pirates of the Caribbean." "This man, it's not Johnny Depp, is it?" "How did you guess?" "It was written all over my face" "Abi, there's nothing wrong in fancying Johnny Depp" " I fancy Johnny Depp" " Back off, he's mine" "No, Abi Everyone fancies Johnny Depp Even Ben fancies Johnny Depp" "A bit" "So, what are you saying?" "I'm saying you've just wasted 20 minutes of my life" "Now get out there and marry Roger" "It's all right Just relax, just relax Just take a breath, come on" "Hi, Chloe" "Look, both of you, just come out" " Come out?" " I'm not gay" "Can't you see?" "You're made for each other" "If I wasn't the bride, I'd knock your block off" "Why?" " What did you say to Abi?" " I didn't" " How did you turn her against me?" " Roger, I've told you once," "I've told you twice, it was Ken!" "All right?" "It was Ken Sorry" "(PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)" "(STATIC BUZZING)" "I caught the bouquet!" "# Happy birthday to me" "Janey!" "Janey!" "# Happy birthday #" "Bloody hell!" "Okay Right, now, where were we?" "(MUTTERING)" "Abigail" "I do" "Right!" "Let's hit the bar!" "No, no, no Abi and Roger have written their own vows" "Smashing" " Roger, you wanted to go first" " Yes" "Yes" "(VOICE CRACKING) "Abi, my love for you" ""is like a Is a"" "Ben, you're going to have to read this for me" " What?" " Just read it" "But I think we're all done legally aren't we, Vicar?" " Ben" " I" ""Abi, my love for you is like a raging fire" ""A fire that burns night and day," ""not unlike the Great Fire of London that began in Pudding Lane" ""when a baker left a candle burning"" "Aw" "(CLEARING THROAT)" ""The fire, of course, led to the destruction" ""of the original St Paul's cathedral" ""making way for the new St Paul's designed by" " "Christopher Wren"" " Christopher Wren" "Ah, here we go "My love for you, Abi, is like a volcano," ""not unlike Krakatoa"" "Sorry A bit more about the natives worshipping it as a god" "Blah, blah, blah, Abi "Abi, you complete me"" " Thank you" " It's all right" "Roger" "I think I better read Abi's vows" ""Roger, you're great"" "Oh, Abi!" "You may now kiss the bride" "ALL:" "Aw" "It won't last Never does" "(PLAYING RECESSIONAL MARCH ON ORGAN)" "Well, finally worked out quite well" "A successful Harper wedding, for once" "It was quite romantic there at the end, wasn't it?" "It took me back to the two of us standing in front of the altar, in front of the vicar," " exchanging vows" " Yes, without your mother's beady eyes in the back of my head" "So do you have any advice for Roger and Abi in your best man speech?" "Yes I do, actually I've got one or two sage words of wisdom about the rocky road of marriage" "I'll wing it" "You didn't really think we'd forget your birthday, did you?" "What?" "Birth It really is your birthday?" "Oh, Mum!" "Oh, it's lovely" "Sorry, darling, my heart can't take any more shocks today" " Dad?" " And I don't like hugging generally"