"Here you go." "That's it for this week's teen Quranic studies class." "Next week we'll be discussing prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him." "A guy so handsome, girls couldn't stay away." "Who can tell me what chapter that is?" "Layla?" "Which chapter?" "Ah, maybe the answer's on the note you just passed to your friend." "Uh, that's not my note." "Who can tell me which chapter deals with lying?" "Okay, jail's out." "See you next week." "Hey, no stampeding." "You're Muslims, not... kids." "Afternoon, Amaar." " What you got there?" " Oh, you know... just notes being passed in class." "Oh." ""'A' is so totally hot and smart and sweet." "I can't stop thinking about 'A'."" "This is terrible." " What's terrible?" " Don't you see?" "I'm "A"!" "Ugh!" "You're "A" what?" "Sheesh!" "Way to leave a guy hanging!" "Season 2 Episode 13 Crush" "Stupid government." "What is the point of having roads if they're always blocked by construction?" "Could someone turn Fred off?" " I'm not on the radio, toots." " I know." "Could you turn yourself off?" "Typical government employee here." "People like you are the reason this country's going to the dogs." "You should stop complaining and be more grateful." "Sweetheart, the entire point of being Canadian is complaining about the government." "That's what made this country great." "I thought you just said it was going to the dogs." "Two separate conversations." "You have no idea how lucky you are." " If I were a citizen of this country..." " Hold the phone, sister." "Y- y-you're not a citizen?" " No." " Well, you've got no say." "Now, become a citizen, then tell me how much I've got to love my country." " Hey, Fred, that's not very nice..." " Ehh." "Start paying taxes, toots," " then we'll talk." " But I do pay taxes." "Really?" "Seems like a rip-off." "I need some advice." "Do you have an appointment?" "No." "This is an emergency." "I'm having 14-year-old girl problems, and I figured you were one, so you'd understand." "Well, Amaar, when you become a young woman, you begin to notice certain changes... no, not those kind of problems." "Layla has a crush on me." "Is this your idea of a joke?" "Because it's not funny." " Okay, how's this:" "Knock, knock." " Who's there?" "Layla has a crush on me." "Read this." "Should I tell Baber?" "Yeah, tell Baber." "Layla will spend the rest of her life in a burka." "Well, at least she chose a worthy target for her misguided crush." "You do know the teenage brain isn't fully developed, right?" ""Fred Tupper"" "that's right, rock-a-holics, seminal heavy metal super group the Pain Elevators are back with a reunion tour and I... just happen to have two tickets to give away." "All you've got to do is call in and answer three very simple questions." "Now, here they are with their 1979 hit, "Lady Lightning"." "Fred, this'll be the biggest contest we've ever had." "No one'll get my questions in a million years." "Okay, also one of the longest." "Come this afternoon, er... these little babies will go un-won and fall to yours truly." "That's not the way it works, Fred." "You see..." " the record label..." " you can have the second ticket." "Time to elevate some pain!" "What's wrong with you?" "So why aren't you a citizen?" "It's all right." "I am proud of my landed immigrant status." "Yeah, but wouldn't you rather be a citizen?" "Why?" "I landed." "I am an immigrant." " The title is accurate." " Yeah, but... all you have to do now is take a test." "Don't you want to join our..." "our social fabric?" "Our... our cultural mosaic?" "I mean, Canada is a..." "a rich mosaic of..." " fabric." " I don't know." " You get to vote." " Ehh." " You get to do jury duty." " Jury duty?" "Yeah, the government randomly makes you judge criminals and send them to jail." "You've captured my interest." "Washing the truck?" "Thinking about it." " No." " Hey..." " Did you hear Fred's show?" " Who's he trashing today?" " Let me guess:" "Muslims." " Er, no, no." "He... he's running a trivia contest for Pain Elevator tickets." " I love that band." " Didn't the lead singer die?" "Urban myth." "You can't die from fizzy candy." "I might take a shot at those tickets myself." " You like the Pain Elevators?" " Why not?" "'Cause I'm Muslim?" "You don't seem like a rocker." "Ooh, said the man that just hosted a three-day bake sale-a-thon." "It was pretty hardcore." "Anyway, I wouldn't count on winning those tickets, because I happen to have every time-life record collection ever offered." "Well, I happen to know a thing or two myself." "You didn't even know the lead singer is still alive." "Details." "Okay, let's go, study buddy." "If I can get Rayyan to med school, I can get you a passport." "First question..." "What kind of snack should we have?" "What are the choices?" "We were right to go with a little of everything." " Why choose?" " Yeah." "Oh..." "What are you two lovely ladies up to today?" "Studying for my citizenship test." "I got out this map to help Fatima study and realized you could play candy land on it." " Sarah is helping you study?" " Mm-hmm." "She makes learning seem easy." "I can imagine." "Darling, could I have a word with you for a moment?" "Yeah, sure." " What are you doing?" " Teaching her become a citizen." "Of candy land?" "Flower, you're a great friend." "But as a study buddy, you're a train wreck." "That's not true." "Remember how I used to help Rayyan with those flash cards in med school?" "That was kindergarten." " But she passed." " Barely." "It's not your fault." "You're just one of those people that thinks learning is fun." "Learning is fun." "I bet Fatima doesn't know any more about Canada than she did when you started." "Sarah?" "We still need to braid each other's hair." "Perhaps even less." "Well, what's the worst thing they could do, deport her?" " Oh my God... will they deport her?" " No." "If you want to help, you have to be..." "slightly less fun." "No more candy land." "Well, what about "Trivial Pursuit"?" "That's Canadian." " No board games." " Sorry." " Can we play "Sorry"?" " No." "Now, Layla, it's important to understand that we're not angry." "We're just concerned." "It's perfectly normal to have a crush on an authority figure like Amaar." "You think I have a crush on Amaar?" "There's no reason to be embarrassed." "Ew!" "You're, like, 40 years old!" " But... the note..." " Ew." " But..." " Ew!" "So, who is it then?" "You promise not to tell my dad?" "He'd send me to work in a..." "glove factory in Pakistan." " I don't think we can promise that." " We promise." "It's Aasif from Quranic studies." " The kid who smells like a gas station?" " It's called cologne." " Can I go now?" " We'll talk more about this later." "We have to tell Baber." "And ensure Layla never sees another boy for as long as she lives?" "There you go." "Problem solved." " Do I look 40?" " Not really." "Alright-y, Elevator fans, this is the moment you've been waiting for." "f you're looking to get your pain elevated, the time to call in is now." "Throw the angelic hope." "Here we go..." "First caller..." "Tsk." "You're on the air." " Hey Fred." " Hey There." " Hey Fred" " Hey There." "Okay, question number one:" "The lead singer was famous for biting the head off of what animal?" "Well, that's easy:" "A squirrel." "Yeah, but was it a southern, spotted or flying squirrel?" " Does that matter?" " Well, it mattered to the squirrel." "Next caller." "Ha, ha, ha." "You're on the air." "Yes, hello, Fred." "That was a trick question." "Yes, hello, Fred." "That was a trick question." "It was the spotted southern flying squirrel." "Uh, wow, y-you either really know your music or your rodents." "Hey-Hey." "Yeah, okay, second question coming at you." "Here we go:" "What did they call their first tour bus?" "Before or after the accident?" "Um... after." "The gate crasher." "Ahem." "Well, um..." "Well done." "Hey, Hey." "Super." "Okay, uh, third and final question." "Here we go." "How many guitars did they smash on their last tour?" " Well?" " Hold on, I'm browsing." " What?" " I mean, thinking." "Including the one that they smashed by the bedside of that dying boy, 115." " Did I win?" " Yeah, you won the... stupid tickets to the stupid show." " Ha, ha, hee, hee." " Ugh." "Yuh!" "Darling, guess what?" " I just won tickets to..." " Do you have any twos?" "Go fish." " I thought we said no games." " You said no board games." "What does go fish have to do with Fatima earning her citizenship?" "Fishing's big in this country." "It can't hurt." "Go ahead." "I'm sorry, Fatima, it's time to get serious." "Now..." "I downloaded some material." "So we have... political figures, monuments, icons, uh, wars, lakes, rivers, cities, natives, laws." "And of course..." " farming." " That doesn't seem like much fun." "Exactly." "Anything I don't have to work on?" "How's your immigration law?" "I have been an immigrant for years." "Mmm, so it's probably out of date." "Never mind." "Let's start with a quiz." "Yeah!" "And every time you get an answer right, you get to have a cookie." "Fine." "Uh, we'll go over some easy ones." "What is Canada's national animal?" "I'll give you a hint:" "It's on our money." "On our money..." " The loon." " No." " The polar bear." " No." "The deer." "No." " Hmm... the hawk!" " No." " The owl." " No." " Does the queen count as an animal?" " Sure, but... no, no." " I give up." " Oh..." "Fatima!" "It's the beaver." "Like on the nickel." "I thought that was a mongoose." "Well, now, that doesn't make any sense." "Why would a mongoose be on a nickel?" "How is a beaver any better?" "Oh, you will never become a citizen with that attitude." "Oh, I'm afraid Yasir's right." "You'd better buckle down, young lady." "She's spending too much time with her friends." "Yes!" "And that job of hers is a real distraction." "I did not come here to be lectured." "You're treating me like a child." "No we're not." "Now sit down, I'll get you some juice." "This is a mistake." "Who needs to be a citizen?" "Goodbye." "But you didn't win any cookies!" "Thank goodness my adopted homeland has supermarkets." "I really think we should tell Baber about this." "Oh, I don't think so." "Amaar:" "But we can't keep it a secret anymore." "We've got to come clean." "Rayyan:" "It's just a crush." "Amaar:" "You don't know that." "Amaar:" "Could be more." "Rayyan:" "Do you think?" "Amaar:" "I can feel it." "Amaar:" "I think you can feel it too." "Rayyan:" "We should wait, see if it gets serious." "Amaar:" "I don't want to wait." "Astaghfirullah." "Ugh!" "There is something inappropriate going on between Rayyan and Amaar." "I think... it may be romance." "Shh." "Why must you go around spreading rumours?" "If someone is falling in love or isn't a citizen, that is their own business!" "Who's not a citizen?" "That is none of your business." "Sorry." "Ahem." "I overheard your little chat with Rayyan." " My little..." " The crush." "You're waiting to see how "serious it gets"." "Ah..." "What are you thinking?" "You are an imam!" "I'm sorry." "I wanted to come and see you first." "It's utterly inappro... you what?" "I told Rayyan we shouldn't do anything without your blessing." "That's true, of course." "I get so caught up in thinking of you as a member of the mosque," "I forget to think of you as a father." "It's all right, son." "Okay, heh." "Um... the question is, what do we do now?" "There must be a wedding as soon as possible." "Wedding?" "Uh, we were thinking more along the lines of breaking it off." "Why?" "It's a good match." " She's too young." " Ah, she's not that young." "Marriage it must be!" "Poor Layla." "Well, enjoy 'em." "This could be their last tour." "Thanks." "I'm surprised they have this one in them." "Until this morning, I thought the lead singer was dead." "No, no, urban myth." "He never got spider eggs in his stomach." "You cheated." "This game was fixed." "Well, yeah, it was, but..." "he won it anyway." "He's not hardcore." "How'd you get the answers?" "It's called the internet, gentlemen." "Welcome to the '90s." "I should've never put up that fan page." " Tell him it's against the rules." " Rules..." "I knew I forgot something in this stupid contest." "The question now is, what do I do with the extra ticket?" "W... you're not, uh..." "you're not taking Sarah?" " No." " Why not?" "Because there's another heavy metal concert the same night that she wants to go to." "She's not interested, gentlemen." "There's a ticket in play." "Say, uh, Yaz, ahem..." "I know, uh..." "I know I've said some things about you Muslims in the past, but, uh, people grow." "Heh-heh." "I'll get you a coffee." "Say, Yaz... you know, when I called you a cheat, I meant that in a good way:" "A smart cheat." "But if you don't study with me, you won't pass the test." "All I learnt was how to lose at candy land." "Oh, so you're not going to become a citizen because I'm awesome at candy land?" "No, I just don't want to fill my brain with money animals." "Fine, fine." "But if I'm ever arrested, you can't be on my jury." "Well, life goes on." " Yasir, buddy." "How's it going?" " Fred!" "So nice to see you." "Here." "In a mosque." "For Muslims." "So, what you, uh..." "what you up to, pal?" "You know, working." "In my office." "Heh." "You know, I-I always thought that was the life, you know?" "Being a contractor," " building things with bare hands." " I use tools, personally." "Ha..." "Tools." "Ha ha." "No, seriously, you know, if you ever, uh, if you ever need a hand..." "Tsk." "I am your guy." "I know exactly what you could do." "I was thinking about something a little more fixer-upper-y." "Ooh." "The day is young." "You know, I-I've got to get back and do my show." " Really?" " Tsk." "Yeah." "Oh, that's a shame." "Er." "Let me get my "chamois"." "Hmm?" "Again, Fred Tupper is unavailable, so we bring you "The very best of Fred Tupper"." "Now, this Y2K thing isn't going to go away, people!" "It's coming and it's going to change the world..." "Hey, Fatima." "Could you put these in your recycle bin for me?" "Thanks." " What is this?" " Oh, it's just some, um, some invitations for a surprise party we were going to throw" " when you became a citizen." " You were going to throw a party?" "Well, not now, obviously, so I just brought them down to recycle." "And, well, I-I knew you'd be happy knowing they went back to the earth." " Where are you going?" " Oh, I've got calls to make." "I've got to cancel the cake and the band." "Gee, I hope I get the deposit back." "I've already spent a lot of money on fireworks." "Fine." "I will take the test." "Oh, right, your citizenship test." "Hey yeah, why don't you?" "I can't believe this!" "So Baber's just going to marry her off like cattle?" "Do cattle get married?" " You have to talk to him about this." " I tried to, but he got all..." " Oh, angry and Baber-ish?" " Sweet and sentimental." " Oh." " It was scary." "We can't let this happen." "Aasif and Layla are barely teenagers." "You're right." "You're right." "We are going to have to talk to him." ""We"?" "You're the imam." "Oh, great." "Every time we get into trouble, I'm the imam." "Well, you know what?" "Congratulations, I'm appointing you deputy." " Can you do that?" " Saddle up." " Hey, Yasir." " Reverend." "Getting excited about the big concert?" "I don't know, I've been too buried in paperwork to think about it." "Oh, that's a shame." "It's amazing how back taxes can get away from you." " You don't mind, do you?" " Oh, no, no, no, no, no." "It reminds me of the, uh, filing parties I had when I was a kid." " So I just, uh, just lather it up for you?" " Oh, yes please." " All right." "There we are." " Okay." " There we go." " Do, do-do, do... ooh..." "I'm glad you came to me." "Baber knows a thing or two about matchmaking." "Yes, about that." "We're thinking marriage maybe isn't the way to go here." "It is the only way." "We are Muslims." "But it's just a crush." "It might not be serious." " You told him?" " I'm sorry, we had to." " Wait... you spoke to her first?" " Yes, and I said I was sorry." " This is so embarrassing!" " No need for you to be embarrassed." " Now, when is the wedding?" " What?" " There is no time to waste." " I hate you all!" "Don't worry about her." "She's just a kid." "Who cares what she thinks?" " Baber..." " It is a decision for the adults." "It is not up to her." "You have reached a new low here." "And we're leaving." " Rayyan, don't you think we..." " Saddle up!" "Ah-ah!" "Be careful, my friend." "Don't let her wear the pants." "No." "Thanks for the tea." " Salaam aleikum." " Waleikum salaam." " Ah!" "Hello, gentlemen." " Can the sweet talk." " The rev and I have joined forces." " We're not going to let you use us anymore." "Call us the rockers' union," " local 6-6-6." " Uh, eh-h, er." "We..." "We talked about that." "That's not really appropriate for me." "Oh." " Here is your bill." " Thank you, Fatima." "Oh, look at this, I have no cash." "Only these tickets." " Well, I can..." "I can help you with that." " No, no!" "No, I got it." "I got it..." " No, I can get it," " I can get it." "You guys hear the latest news about the Pain Elevators?" " Will they add an extra show?" " No." "Lead singer died." "He's dead?" "What was it?" "Drugs?" "Drinking?" "Was it drugs?" "Vascular degeneration due to advanced age." " Ew-w-W." " Ew-w-W." " Natural causes." " How embarrassing." "Oh-H..." "Maybe this thing will just die down on its own." "Remind me you said that at Layla's 10th wedding anniversary." "What have you said to my daughter?" "She won't even talk to me." " It's not our fault." " You cannot marry off a 15-year-old." "Rayyan, uh... heh-heh..." "Maybe you can pass for 20, but let's be serious." "What?" "Wait a minute..." "What are we talking about here?" "Amaar and Rayyan and their secret crush." "Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa." "You thought...?" "You thought we were talking about each other?" "No-o-o-o, no." "We were talking about Layla and Aasif." " Who's Aasif?" " The boy from her Quran class." "Wait, so you've talked about this how many times?" "Several." "And none of you knew what you were talking about?" "No." "Hee-hee-hee-hee." "It is quite funny when you think about it." "You know..." " Who is Aasif?" " Wha...?" "Huh?" "You are grounded for a week!" "Come!" "Last time I make you my deputy, deputy." "It was good of you to come, Fred." "Well, there's no concert now." "This swearing-in ceremony is the best show in town." "Sob." "Ah, ah, ah." " Our little Fatima." "I'm so proud." " Ohh..." "If he's going to be a girl, I'm getting different seats." "All this study buddy stuff takes me back to when Rayyan was a little girl." "Helping her with her homework." "Driving her to soccer practise." " Birthday parties." "Clarinet practise." " Yes." "Yes." " Drama camp." " Yes." " Thank god that's over." " Precisely." "So, toots, how's it feel to be a citizen?" " Any different?" " Not really." "A ticket?" "Why can't they hold this where there is more parking?" "Stupid government!" "Feels good, doesn't it?" "Yes, it does." "Subtitle by:" "Kiasu"