"TO JOY" "Whom do you wish to speak to?" "Stig Ericsson?" "He's in rehearsal at the moment." "My goodness!" "Wait a moment." "I'll go call him." "Grandmother sent me." "She couldn't travel." "I tried calling you at work, but I " "What's happened?" "The kerosene stove exploded." "Marta and the little girl were badly burned." "Marta's dead." "They said at the hospital that the girl is okay." "They called just before I left and said she was out of danger." "The kerosene stove exploded." "We heard it go off and came running." "Marta died on the way to the hospital." "Grandmother said she and Grandfather are coming tomorrow." "They'll call you." "Lasse and I will go buy a mourning band." "THE STORY OF stig AND MARTA'S marriage" "begins ON AN AUTUMN DAY SEVEN YEARS earlier..." "A new season begins today." "I think it'll be good." "I don't know how you feel." "We welcome two new members to our orchestra." "This is Stig Ericsson." "He's taking Sunkan's place, who died last summer." "God rest his soul." "Then we have a woman in the orchestra." "It's sort of silly, and totally against nature, but she's reasonably talented." "She's right there, if you haven't seen her." "Her name is Marta." "Welcome to both of you." "All right." "Let's get started." "Gentlemen..." "Let's have the wind section." "From the fortissimo." "Give me everything you've got!" "Well, you sounded awful today, but that's to be expected." "Good afternoon, gentlemen..." "and lady." "Kurt H. is coming on Thursday." "Then we'll have some music." "Hello, Stig." "Imagine us ending up here." "How's your summer been?" "I was abroad with my brother and heard lots of music." " l see." " And you?" " Summer orchestra." " Poor thing!" "I never want to play "Gold and Silver" again." " Did you work?" " l studied Mendelssohn and others " " Why are you so angry?" " l'm not angry!" "Did you find a place to stay?" " Yes." "And you?" "It's a nightmare, but cheap." "There's a party tonight for my birthday." "Care to come?" " l don't feel like it." "Who'll be there?" " You'll see if you come." "Can you lend me a tenner?" "It's awkward asking for an advance, and I don't know anyone here." "If you could lend it to me, great." " lf you come tonight." " l'll come for 20." " Get a haircut too." " A haircut?" "Why?" " And buy me a present for 1 .50." "And try to be pleasant, not your usual grumpy self." "See ya." " What's going on?" " l'm cursing my fate." "You look inexplicably comical when you're newly cut and combed." "is that Marta's work?" " You know her?" "I sure do." "We had a thing together all summer." "And you?" "No, just from the academy." "She has a great personality, and she's hot to trot." "Ripe for love, if you get me." " l didn't ask for an analysis!" "The way she left me almost made me ask for her hand." "And?" "I caught myself at the last minute, but it was damn close." "Well, I'm not interested." " So you're not coming this evening?" " No time or interest." "Of course you'll come." "Bring your violin." "We'll play before we get drunk." "See ya." "I'd like something for 1 .50." "That bear there." "This?" "It costs 4.80." "I'll take it anyway." " Shall I wrap it?" " No, thanks. I'll take it like this." "He's very cute." " Yes, those bears are very popular." "Thanks." "Stop that damned nonsense!" "And he slammed down his fist and said, "Stop that damned nonsense!"" "It's quite a funny story. I'll tell it to you next time, when we have time." "Stop being silly and let me go." " What are you grinning at?" " You, of course." "You'd better stop it, damn it." "Seeing as you're drunk, I won't hurt you." "I'm magnificent when I'm on stage." "Have you heard me play violin?" "All the famous players are charlatans." "They live by cheap tricks, but I see through their charade." "I'll tell you the secret of real art." "It's created when you're unhappy." "I prefer being unhappy." "God knows it's the state I usually find myself in." "I'll show all you bastards what the violin is all about!" "I know you all feel guilty." "I know what you're thinking." "Are we artists, when all we think about is drinking and women and retirement?" "Yes, I'm drunk, I admit it. lf l wasn't, I wouldn't dare say a thing." "But I see through you, and through myself too!" "And I say take it away!" "It's worth nothing!" "We'll all die and come back to life." "And then you'll hear violin playing!" "Because humility is what it comes down to." "Remember that, you horrible loafers, as you wallow there and slobber and burp in your stained ties!" " Are you okay?" " Go to hell!" "You're making a fool of yourself." "Did you get a haircut?" "You look like a greased cat." "And it's your fault." "I can't figure out who I am." "Why can't I act like a respectable person, talented as I am?" "Because I really am talented, even if I'm drunk." "Have you met my wife Nelly?" "I assure you that she's worth knowing." "She's a fun little creature, with a mouth like a red flower." "I'm thinking of giving you to her." "She'd appreciate that." "Why are you screaming?" "The roof fell in - though I could see it was just the curtain." "I have to lie down." "I feel awful." " You overdid it a bit last night." " Yes." "I need to sit up." "What time is it?" "Where am I?" " 5:00, and you're at my place." " Why?" " You couldn't be moved." "No, Stig." "Cut that out." "Don't argue." " You're the one making a scene." " lf you can't settle down, you must go." " l'm awfully silly." " Yes, you are." "People like me shouldn't live." "You're harmless." "But you could have bought me a birthday present, couldn't you?" " l did." " But of course you forgot it." "No, you'll see." "Where's my coat?" "You probably think it's really stupid." "It was all I could come up with." "Thanks so much, Stig." "It's a very nice present." "We should get some sleep." "We've got rehearsal at 9:00 a.m." "A person might act crazy and stupid at times." "But the important thing is that he aspire to be a real person and artist." "Hey." "You must agree with that." "Yes, I do." "Good night." "Night." "AUTUMN HAS SET in" " Sonderby is nice." " He's a little boring." "That doesn't matter." " You want to be like him?" " He's done good. I'd like to too." "You've got time." "I'm 25." "By then you should be someone with responsibility." "I'm happy." "I'd like to start a brilliant string quartet and tour the world." "We'd be the best!" " Of course." "That's a strange grin that I don't like at all." "I'm simply feeling friendly." "What about you?" "What do you want?" "Nothing." "I'd like to bury myself so deep that nothing got to me." "But you're not unhappy." "Some people have an unnaturally happy air." "We've always spoken about me when we've met." "I know nothing about you." " Perhaps that's best for both of us." " Don't talk nonsense." "Hey, Stig?" "Do you care about me at all?" "What do you mean?" "You've wanted to sleep with me, and I haven't let you." "If I did, would you care a little for me then?" "Answer honestly." "Don't be afraid of hurting me." "See?" "You can't answer." "I have to think about it." "Of course I've wondered why you've been so difficult and thrown up so many obstacles." "But we've had fun." " You didn't answer my question." "I know exactly what you're asking." "You want some assurance that I love you." "Otherwise you'll have moral pangs." " God, you're stupid." " Then don't speak in riddles." "I want the two of us to be together." "I'm sorry." "I go on and on and forget I'm talking to a person." "There's so much misery, laziness and indifference, in body and in mind." "In the end you don't believe in anything." "You think that's just how it is." "That's the whole meaning." " There doesn't have to be a meaning." "Yes, there does." "If there isn't, you make one up." "Otherwise you can't go on living." "I was married." "You know that." "But it was just lies and deception." "I've deceived people in my work as well." "I was mildly talented." "I've faked my way through almost everything my whole life." " l don't believe that." " That's easy to say." "What's between us mustn't be more faking. lt either is or it isn't." "Are you scared?" "There's such a thing as taking things too seriously." "This will be just like playing with words for you." "I want to be with you." "You've noticed that." "But you can't talk about love and marriage at every turn either." " l promise I'll be as nice as I can." " We won't make any promises." "But we can promise each other to be honest." "That's absolutely necessary." " And no insults." " No. lf we tire of each other, we'll say so." "It'll be you who tires of me." "You don't really believe that." "No, we won't delude ourselves." "It'll often be difficult, more difficult than we can foresee." " Let's stop now." " Yes." "Let's move your things over to my place." "It'll be practical, and cheaper too." "Good. I hate my room." "I'd have caught rheumatism there." "We'll split the rent starting next month." " Okay." "I promise you won't have to sleep on that uncomfortable sofa." "Unless you really want to, of course." "Just what did you do over Christmas break?" "In this blasted town where people just eat and eat!" "You blobs!" " This is a difficult part." " Not for someone with talent." "But some people are lazybones and blockheads." "Once more from the top." "I can't bear this frightful screeching." "We'll take a ten-minute break." "We have to ask for time off." "Time off?" "Are you crazy?" "You said we could leave before 1 :00. it's now 1 :30." " l didn't realize you were so untalented." " ln any case, we have to go." " Really?" " We're getting married at 2:30." "My God!" "I completely forgot." "I should probably apply for my pension and retire." "I was supposed to be " " Our witness." "Wonderful." "We'll just have to call the mayor and postpone it." "You can't postpone a wedding without valid reason." "But you can cancel a rehearsal?" "A wedding date is recognized even in wartime." "This isn't a military unit." "It sometimes seems like a concentration camp." "What impudence!" "We'll rehearse all day." "Without Marta and me." "Then you can leave my orchestra." "We're what makes your orchestra!" "You weren't given the strap as a child." "And you're turning into a child again." "Go to hell!" "No, I don't want to be where you are." "You know I'm not supposed to get angry." "You're ungrateful and inconsiderate." "I could have a heart attack and die." "Good riddance." "Then at least honest folk could get married." "This is what comes from letting women into orchestras." "What happened to her?" " Did you look in the toolbox?" " And your jewel case." " Go buy a new stud." " How could it just disappear?" "You sure you haven't seen it?" " Darling, I don't have time." " Where is it?" " l'm coming." "Here I am." "Goodness, we're in a hurry." "Getting married is time-consuming and nerve-wracking." "Admit it." "Do you regret it?" "To be honest, I regret it terribly." "Me too." "The ideas we get sometimes!" " We'll call and cancel." " Now?" "We made all this fuss to get away." "What would Sonderby say?" " You certainly handled him well." " What do you mean?" "The way you fainted stopped him cold." "It was for real." "Don't try that with me." "It was amateur dramatics." " l see." " Did you really feel faint?" " What if I did?" " Why?" "It's not so unusual." "I'm pregnant." "You don't seem too enthusiastic." "Well, you don't have to be." " How did this happen?" " ln the usual way." " Don't be funny." " A stupid question gets a stupid answer." " Have you known long?" " Almost three months." "Hit me if you want." " Why didn't you say anything?" "Because I want a child." "Understand?" " Children come, want them or not." " You're really naive." " You mean " " Yes!" " You never told me." " Would it have made a difference?" "If you had an abortion before, you might do it again. lt's all disgusting." "What's disgusting?" "That you waited three months to say anything." "How do I know it's mine?" "Besides, we haven't got room." "Diapers and pee and child care and babysitters and cots and God knows what else." "All the crying and chaos." "Where will I rehearse?" "Thanks so much." "How'd you think you'd pull this off?" "You'd have to tell me sometime." "Think you'd come home one day and say, "Here's a baby for you, Daddy"?" "Well?" " Should I apologize?" "You don't understand." "I don't want a child." "I hate children!" "You think this is a good world to come into?" "I prefer extinction." "Why don't you say something?" "I'm listening to you." "You have no idea what you're talking about." "You're talking rubbish - as usual." "What do you want me to do?" "Hug you and say he'll grow up to be prime minister?" " l'd like you to act like a man - for once." " Superman?" " A simple man." " Now I'm not a man!" "I knew you were neurotic." "And you're childish and selfish too." "But I didn't know you were cruel." " Really." "It's good I found out before the marriage, because now there won't be one." "We can't cancel now!" "And they say women are so conventional." " What will happen now?" " l'm going to the tobacco shop to call." "Since you don't want to." "You can go on living here." "I don't care." "I never saw it as more than room and board." "You're absolutely crazy!" "Are you crying?" "I've never seen you cry." "Are you sad?" "No." "I'm just tired." "Of you." " Have I spoiled everything?" " What a thing to say." "Why are you crying?" "You know what I'm like!" "I'm only crying because I'm angry that I'm crying." "If I wasn't completely drained, I'd cry more." "Maybe you thought I'd be happy?" "Deep down I knew it would be just like this." "Of course one imagines a whole lot of things." "I don't know." "That's part of it too." "Did you do that last time too?" "Everything was all wrong last time." "There was no room to imagine anything." "You mean that now - l kind of thought things were different between us." "I should have known that nothing changes." "Everything is always the same." "Even the words one speaks." "I love you, damn it." "But, sweetheart, you know I've never liked surprises." "When I was small, I got angry and afraid if anyone surprised me." "I think that's what happened this time too." "I must say:" "You could have chosen a better moment." "Hey, when I think about it, we'll get child support." "That's great!" "The little guy will practically support us." "And the orchestra can't toss you out if you've got a kid." "Putte's sister is always knocked up, and she just sits there playing, her big belly hanging out." "And when she can't play anymore, she still draws half her salary." "And we could always find a new place to live if we needed to." "Hey." "You talk a lot." "What I said about surprises is true." "It's also psychologically credible." "Just look how I look." "My nose gets twice as big when I cry." "Say what you like, this will be a wedding to remember." "Marriage is for the individual's well being and society's good." "You've indicated your willingness to enter into marriage." "Stig Ericsson, do you take Marta Olsson to be your lawful wife?" "I do." "Marta Olsson, do you take Stig Ericsson to be your lawful husband?" "I do." "Will you now exchange rings." "By the power vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife." "Never forget the promise of fidelity that you've made." "Live together in mutual love and safeguard the future generation." "May harmony and happiness reign in your marriage and in your home." "Maybe he will be prime minister." "If he's like you, anyway." "The stud." "We'll keep it as a souvenir." "Well, we've got two weeks." "We've gone through the concert twice." "You should handle it adequately." " Sure." ""Sure," you say." "But I know what you're thinking." "What does your wife say?" " Nothing." "That worries me." "You're both trying to put me down." "If I were honest, I'd prefer to avoid this tightwire act." "But what do you do when your solo violinist packs it in?" "You're being very closed-minded." "What are you staring at?" "I'll tell you." "I'm staring at that devil called ambition twinkling in your eyes." " ls that so strange?" " No." "No, it's not." "It's not strange at all." "But you've only been here six months, and you haven't discovered that music is a goal, not a means." "Well, what did he say?" "It worked." "I've got my chance." "Now I'll show them how to play violin." "The sky's the limit now." "Maybe I'll get to Stockholm." "I actually don't know what could happen." "It's a wonderful feeling to have everything ahead of you." "To know no limits." "You should be happy too." "This is for both of us." "Of course I'm happy." " Come on." " l'm not going out there. I'm no clown!" "You'll go out there if it's the last thing you do." "It's not about you now." "Come on." "Rehearsal isn't until 10:00 tomorrow." "You know that." "Goddamned bastard!" "Now he's happy, of course." "Let's go home and have a drink." "We both need it." "Come on." "We can't stay here." "Goddamned bastard!" "I'm simply mediocre!" " That went better than expected." " Go jump in a lake." "It's better if you read it." "Read it out loud." " There isn't much." " Read what's there." ""Stig Ericsson debuted prematurely in the Mendelssohn violin concerto." "It's surprising that an experienced conductor like Sonderby didn't prevent this rather unnecessary suicide." "It may well be that Ericsson is talented." "According to the concert program, he's been to the best schools."" "Go on." "There isn't any more." "There isn't " "Was it that bad?" "Are you and Sonderby happy now?" "Just think how everyone will laugh." " Where are you going?" " To make some coffee." " l don't want coffee." " l do." "Of course you think this doesn't matter." " Close the window. I'm freezing." " l feel ill. I want some fresh air." "Why don't you say something?" "Stig, what should I say?" "That the concert went well?" "That they printed lies?" "That the whole world is wrong?" "Shall I comfort you and say it'll be better next time?" "There'll be no next time." "You know that as well as I do." " l'd be happy for one thing." " What's that?" "Well, that I can go to rehearsal at 10:00 this morning, sit in my usual place, and do my job." "That shows how little you know." "I'm going out for a walk - alone." "Can I go with you?" "Please, Stig." "I'm going alone, I said." "I don't want to drag your load too." " Are you going to rehearsal?" " l don't know." "It's none of your business." " You shouldn't push me away." "There's so much I shouldn't do." "These things are easier when there's someone beside you." "There never is." "Inside you're always alone." "What you're saying is just jabbering and sentimentality." "I'm alone, just like I've always been." "That's all there is to it." "Why are you so scared of me?" "Scared?" "How comical." "I want to be left alone, that's all." "Good-bye." "So you're sitting here brooding?" "What about you?" "You don't look so happy." "Insomnia." "Perhaps a character's developing?" "An act of creation?" "Not at all." "I heard the Mendelssohn yesterday." "It was awful." "I didn't dare sleep after that." "Good of you to take it like that." "You understand." "I know it myself." "The great silence." "Why are you grinning?" "Everyone's grinning." "Am I that funny, or is it coincidence?" "Of course you're funny." "You failed." "Come on." "We'll have a cup of coffee at my place." "Goodness, it's messy in here!" "I can't clean up every day." " You never clean up, dear heart." "We'll pull the blinds so we don't have to see it." "Once it was so filthy that the health authorities came by." "They said we'd have to move if we didn't improve." "We had a dog then, but he died." "He had puppies first." "Then he died." "Probably from surprise." "You look so sad." "I'd hoped to catch the moon in a net." "But just as I was going to pull it up, it sank deep below me." " Like a fish?" " No, like a big coin." "Oh, now I understand." "You're a treasure hunter who sets out to sea and fishes for sunken planets." "I was going to buy a bomb and blow up a certain building, with all the vermin inside." "Puppy sickness, my boy." "Verbal diarrhea." "Blow up, crash, slam down your fist and curse the heavens!" "It all ends in a pension and a medal for faithful service." "Cheers!" "Shut up." "I'm talking to your wife." "It's pointless being married to an old pig like you." "Moving, isn't it?" " l'm going home. I have a rehearsal." " Good day." "Remember:" "You're always welcome here, no matter what state you're in." " Come back soon." " Never." " Why not?" " l don't like you." " lt doesn't seem that way." " Besides, this place is filthy." "Shame on you." "You have a nice body." "It ends there." " That's enough." " You seem totally mad." "If you think I'll share you with that old bugger, you're wrong." "I haven't sunk that low yet." " Come again sometime anyway." "We can always talk about the moon." "Well, maybe that." "Cut that out!" "I came out for a walk myself, though I was hoping to bump into you." "We can go in opposite directions." "I was at Mikael Bror's." "Really?" " Do we have to talk more about this?" " No, we'll never talk about it again." "Yes, one day in the future, when we're older and things don't hurt so much." " Did you hurt yourself?" " Did I?" "No, it's just lipstick." " l see." "It was that strange girl who insisted on trying to kiss me." "Are you okay?" "It's on its way." "Can I help?" "Are you scared?" "Yes, I am." "Are you?" "I don't know." "I haven't felt like finding out." "In some ways it'll feel good to finally get it out." " l'm glad it's not me doing this." " Me too." "Listen, I feel awful." "Shouldn't we get going?" "Not yet." "It'd look awful silly if they just sent us home again." "That would be humiliating." "Poor thing." "Shall I fix some tea and sandwiches?" "Yes, please." "I don't know what's wrong." "I probably ate something bad." "Among some tribal peoples, when the wife goes into labor, the man takes to his bed, screaming and carrying on." "He takes all the congratulations as well." "It's only fair, I guess." "Right, Stig?" "Mrs. Ericsson, come with me." "Please stay here, Mr. Ericsson." "Be brave, darling." "AUGUST THREE YEARS LATER" "They were very poor." "They had no food at all." "It's nice not being a writer." "IfI were to take it upon myself to portray Stig and Marta from the first time we met fouryears ago, what an untruthful, incomplete picture I wouIdpaint." "For exampIe, I'IIprobabIy neverforget the episode last winter, when I stoppedby to drop offa score for Stig." "Perhaps also to chat." "I'm starting to get oIdand talkative." "One has to watch oneself so carefully." "The doorbell was broken, so I waIkedin." "I stoodin the dark entryway andpeeredinto the living room." "How can Iportray the way they held each other?" "So boundIessIy tender, but with a profound erotic sensitivity." "Why was there so much loneliness and childish fearing their stillness?" "I went out again andknocked on the door." "When Marta came to the door, it was all still there in her eyes." "Yes, she's a remarkable little woman." "Or the day they'd quarreIed." "I noticedit right away." "It was in the air." "Marta was a little quiet." "She sat huddled on the sofa andIookedat Stig." "He talked to me the whole time, but it wasjust nervous chatter." "He got up to get the cognac, but on the way backhe passed Marta." "He sat on the sofa, they Iookedat one another, and Stig suddenly said, "Hey, little girll"" "That seemed to break the spell, because the strained atmosphere vanished" "like a puffof wind offthe open sea." "I don't know why." "I can't teIIyou." "Imagine trying to decipher the complicated secret language that two lovers develop and speak, unhindered, to conceal theirmost secret andfragiIe emotions." "Depicting a single day in their lives would fiIImany shelves with large volumes." "Thank God that's not myjob." "I have only to reproduce what the great composers createdin truth and spirit." "That's my pleasure, and no one can take it from me." " l've become incredibly rich." " Rich?" "You didn't tell me." "I've got you and the kids, and old Sonderby snoring over there." "And it's summer, and the sun is shining, and we have no worries." "And we're all hale and hearty." "Here I thought you'd won the lottery." "This is more than I thought any person could have." "Sure." "You're a woman." "It's different for you." "You think so?" "I can also worry and think," ""Will it be like it is now all my life?" "Small concerns, small joys, small tribulations." "Nothing that carries me away."" "I deserve a spanking for such a horrible thought, don't you think?" "I think it's to your credit." "Nowhere is it written that man should be content, much less happy." "Stig?" "It's time we set off if we're going to get to the concert on time." "You're working on the Beethoven concerto." "How's it going?" " Not well." "Why do you ask?" " But you're carrying on." " So?" " Give up the idea of being a soloist." "You're a good orchestra player." " l didn't ask for your advice." "Fair enough." "There's no time." "That's the thing." "I'm going to take time off and study with Professor Chabatska." "I've already written to him." " Pride, pure and simple." "Just because you're an old failure doesn't mean I have to be." "We second-raters are necessary too." "No worker bees, no beehive." "It's awful hearing you talk." "Like listening to the already deceased." "I said not to come here." "Our relationship is nothing to advertise." "I've told Mikael that I love you." "I wish I could leave you, but I just can't seem to." "Come on." "We can't sit here all evening." "Listen to this:" ""Everything is part of what is called spiritual science." "This may include the self, society, the state, morals or religion." "It's all just an intellectual game with expressions that one uses as if denoting something real."" "He's on the money, this Hagerstrom, and he has my total sympathy." " Mine too, but I don't give a damn." " l think Stig is tired tonight." " What's that?" " Our lodger." "It's awful, but we have to do it for the money." "Evening!" "So you're not in bed yet?" "I had a bite to eat at the Grand." "Hello there. I didn't know you lived here." "I didn't used to, but I do now - as of yesterday." "So you move in these circles." "I didn't know that." "...first variable, and then predominantly from the north." "partly cloudy, with thundershowers." "Somewhat cooler... I have to ask you something:" "Can we move to town?" "Right away." "As soon as possible." "Did you and the kids have to move into town?" "You had it so good in the country." "Why don't you answer?" "Why are you treating me like a criminal?" "Chabatska hasn't replied yet." "You're hurting me." " Maybe you or Sonderby wrote to him." " You're mad." "Let me go." "Oh, look." "Your teddy bear is torn." "Don't worry." "I'll sew him up tomorrow." "It'll just take a second." "No fighting in front of the kids." "Remember that, Stig." "Whatever happens, no fighting in front of the kids." "Don't turn the light out." "Mommy, you can't." " What time is it?" " 10:30." "The fog will be awful tonight." "Sounds like it." "Remember what Sonderby said?" ""Like cows in a freight car."" "What is it?" "I don't like you looking at me like that, like you're comparing." "Maybe I am." "Can't we be nice to each other again?" "Why can't we talk about anything anymore?" "It's not worth the effort." "No, leave me alone." "It's disgusting." "I can't help it." "I think it's disgusting!" "Stop blubbering." "No one can hear you." "I've tried." "I've done my best." "I've never accused you or blamed you." "I've always tried to understand you." "So the fault is mine?" "I've never asked questions." "Why ask questions about what doesn't concern you?" " You and Nelly doesn't concern me?" " Not really." "Keep your moral indignation to yourself." "I'm not interested." "Why?" "If you don't watch it, you step in dog shit and can't shake it off." "How dare you!" "You're one to talk." "Before we met, there were men all around you." "You were even with that revolting Marcel." "That was before we had the kids." "Don't they mean anything?" "There were others before, but you got rid of them." "Now I'm sorry I insisted when you didn't want children." "You see?" "I see what we've become." "I know what the problem is." "We don't think we're getting anything from life." "We've both been struck by clarity." "With clarity comes disgust." "It's a natural consequence." "We've argued and been nasty to each other before, but we just had to reach out and it was fine again." "It was a great comfort." "Now we've found there's no such thing as comfort." "Remember what you said here on our first night together?" "The main thing is to become a real person." "We talked so much back then." " lt was the truth." " lt was all lies." "The morning I came home with my hand cut, that's when my clarity began." "I was so insufferable that I smashed my hand through a window so I wouldn't dream of being a soloist anymore." "Standing there with a bloody hand, I thought how stupid l was." ""Why doesn't someone laugh at that second-rate musician who won't accept his mediocrity?"" "Me, me, me!" "Don't you realize how awful you sound?" "I apologize." "We won't talk about it again." "I'll go to Grandmother's." "It's better for the kids there too." " Where will you get the money?" " From you." " l don't have any." " That's strange." " l gave it to you last week." " For the telephone and milk." " There was enough before." " You want to see receipts?" " You never set anything aside." " Get an advance like everyone else." " l already have." " You must have expenses. I have   lt's my money!" " Not when it's for the household." "Anyway, I don't have money for your hastily planned trip." "We're quite poor and can't afford expenses of an emotional nature." " And the money you give to Nelly?" " Shut up!" " What kind of tone is that?" " The same as yours!" " A mistress costs money." " A fixed rate is more honest." " You're quite crude." " You've gotten sensitive." "Must have been tricky with Marcel." "How can you have a lover?" "You perform the minimum required." " That's your fault." " Of course." "I was naive to expect fidelity." " Stop it, Marta." "You need an outlet for your artistic temperament." "She nurtures your genius." "Poor thing!" "It can't be easy for her." "Forgive me, Marta." "Forgive me." "It's my fault." "I have myself to blame." "Forgive me anyway." "But I won't forgive the rest." "You can be sure I'll find the money for the trip if I have to beg for it on the street." "Don't touch me!" "You disgust me so much, I'd like to spit in your face." "Fine." "If this is how you want it, you'll get your way." "I'll ask Sonderby for the money." "It'll be great to be rid of you." ""The doctor says it's a stroke, but I know Nelly poisoned me."" " Do you think he's suffering?" " Probably." "Good. I want him in such pain that he can't stop screaming." "He can't scream." "He's paralyzed." "That's what's so good about it." "You must hate him." "He'll be dead soon." "Sometimes it's like a dream." "I'm scared of him." "Sometimes at night I think he'll come beat me or strangle me." "I almost actually believe you poisoned him." "I often thought I should." " What's he actually done to you?" " What's he done to me?" "He just exists." "I'm dependent on him somehow." "I don't know." " You can divorce." "Where would I go?" "No one cares about me." "Because you're so damned nasty and lack any human feelings." "I think it's cold." "It's 13 below." "You go in." "He can't stand the sight ofme." "What's wrong with you?" "Hung over?" "is there anything else on besides organ music?" "Mikael likes it." "Listen, you shouldn't drink like that." ""Listen, you shouldn't drink like that."" "If you weren't so stupid, I might point out that I'm always smartly dressed." " And so?" " Take that idiot Stig." "How he suffers!" "He thinks that life is terrible and you're disgusting." "He can't take his own failure." "That's why he leaves his wife and goes around unkempt, in dirty shirts." " Quiet." "He's in with Mikael." " Let him hear." "I drink, you say?" "I do my job." "I'm handsome and well-behaved." "I'm polite and friendly, and I live my life!" "And in the meantime, I'm damned happy." "No, I think I'll go in and sleep." "It's all one can do on a Sunday." "Are you coming?" ""l'm a bastard, and I've gotten what I deserve." "But you better watch out, Stig."" "Mikael, I'm leaving now and never coming back." "I'm grateful for everything you taught me, but I can't stay a minute longer." "I don't want to be like the three of you." "There's only one person who can help me, and that's Marta." "Dear Marta, I'm sure you're surprised to hearfrom me after three months." "I had to write because things have happened to me." "It's as ifI suddenly understoodmy madness." "I realize how I've squandered the only thing of value in life." "Dear Stig, when Igotyour letter, I was very worriedat first." "I couId feeIhowaIone you've been all this time, andhowharda time you've hadin many ways." "I readit many times and understood something important has happened." "I too have been thinking, andnow I know that we 'IIneverget divorced." "That wouIdbe a terrible mistake." "And though I won't be coming home, I long foryou." "My dearest darling Marta, your words made me so happy I almost had to cry." "One hides so many feelings." "I did with you and the kids, because it hurt too much, ormaybe I didn 't understand howmuch I care foryou." "I wantyou to come get us soon." "There 's so much to plan for summer, isn't there?" "darling, writing feels so stupidand odd." "I'd Iike to say so much, but it looks silly and sentimental on paper." "I've tried, believe me." "By the way, we don't need to talk when we meet." "I know exactly how to showyou howmuch I care foryou." "Can you guess?" "Come soon..." "This train is so slow." "I'd Iike tojump off andrun beside it." "Maybe I'dheIp it up the hill." "It'IIbe so strange to hearher say," ""You can be so silly sometimes, "" "or "You sure you washed your ears properly?"" "Or to sit in the kitchen aftera concert and eat right from the cupboard, drinking vodka andjoking andnot saying a serious word." "Quite pretty." "And I'm so tan." "Andyou can't tell I didn 't sleep last night." "How siIIyI I'mjustgoing to meet my husband." "We grew tired ofeach other, andyet everything is new... newI" "newly cIeanedandbathed." "Howfun it willbe to cookagain, to be master ofmy own kitchen, to sleep in our own bed." "To feeIhis warmth as he sleeps beside me." "Never to be alone again." "Neveragain." "That mouth ofhers, so delicious and soft to kiss." "I Iove herbody too." "The smooth skin ofher shoulders." "Herbreasts that never recoveredfrom the kids but are so sensitive, Iike living beings." "The fine hair on herneck, the soft curves ofherbeIIy." "A waist so narrow I can wrap my hands aroundit." "I Iove herbecause we've hit each otherandhurt each other, but also for the thousandnights ofjoy and utterpIeasure we've shared." "SOME YEARS LATER" "You've been naughty, so you can't come when we go see Grandmother." "We'll catch really big fish, and I'll keep one in the bathtub and teach it how to talk." "Fish can't talk." "You can teach them." "Lasse's lying!" "Stig, would you call for a taxi?" "Dad, Lasse's lying." "No, he's just making things up." "Why shouldn't a fish be able to talk?" "You never know." "Yes, could you send a taxi to Prastgatan 7b?" "Ericsson." "Oh, miss!" "It has to be big." "There are four people and lots of things." "That's right." "What do you want?" "Ask Sonderby over this evening." "There's mineral water in the fridge." " l'm going to be lonesome." " No, you're not." "You're going to be just fine." " Thanks very much." "The kids can go on their own." "You should stay with me." "You're silly." "What would Grandmother say?" "You have enough stuff to last until Judgment Day." "You don't have to come to the station. I can use a porter." " What's this?" "A bomb?" " No, it's a kerosene stove." " A stove?" " Yes, it's better that way." "We'll stay in the cottage, cook our food and leave the older folk in peace." "Go ahead and sigh, but you'll think it's really nice when you join us." " You should cut your hair." " lt's awful." "Hair gets all over everything." " lf you came along, I could cut it." " l'll be along later." " lt's strange. I always miss you." " What's strange about that?" "We've been married so long." "Lasse, don't lick the window." "It's dirty." " You'll have nice weather." " lt looks like spring is coming." " Won't this train ever leave?" " You want to get rid of us?" "It just always feels so silly standing on the platform." "We'll catch a fish that can talk!" "I heard what happened." "I'm..." "I mean..." "You don't..." "You don't have to come to work if you don't want to." "It's better to keep working." "Yes." "Do as you please." "Don't touch me." "Cellos and basses should sing like blazes!" "It's a question of joy, you see." "Not the joy expressed in laughter, or the joy that says, "l'm happy."" "What I mean is a joy so great, so special, that it lies beyond pain and boundless despair." "It's a joy beyond all understanding." "It's..." "Well, I... I can't explain it any better."