"[theme song playing]" "?" "Look away, look away ?" "?" "Look away, look away ?" "?" "This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day ?" "?" "Every single episode Is nothing but dismay ?" "?" "So look away Look away, look away ?" "?" "The Baudelaires' new guardian is wracked With fear and panic ?" "?" "They end up on a boat That might as well be the Titanic ?" "?" "We polled a bunch of adults 99% agree ?" "?" "There must be something happier onscreen For you to see ?" "?" "Just look away, look away ?" "?" "There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way ?" "?" "Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say ?" "?" "Look away, look away, look away ?" "?" "Look away, look away ?" "?" "Look away, look away ?" "?" "Look away, look away ?" "[typing]" "[typewriter dings]" "Good evening, and welcome to Lachrymose News, where things that are happening keep happening until they stop." "Not unlike the plight of the Baudelaire orphans, whom, viewers will recall, lost their parents and their home in a terrible fire." "With the latest update on their dire plight is our co-anchor Vincent Fig Demetrios." " Vincent?" " Thanks, Veronica." "Viewers will recall that following the fire, the Baudelaires were sent to live with Count Olaf, a villainous actor and an active villain who has vowed repeatedly that he will stop at nothing to get his hands on the enormous fortune" "the Baudelaire parents left behind." "Let's hope so, Vincent." "Coming up next, some very nice people were poisoned." "But first, the weather." "If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, there would be hardly any sunshine to be seen." "Instead, there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness." "Blizzards of despair." "Misery in the form of sleet storms." "Various cold fronts of terror." "Horror." "Attacks of allergies." "Not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map." "If you didn't know about the Baudelaire orphans' unfortunate history and you saw them disembark from the Fickle Ferry and arrive at Damocles Dock, you might think they were bound for an exciting adventure." "Here we are, Baudelaires." "Deemo..." " But you would be dead wrong." " Dimmo..." " My name is Lemony Snicket." " Dudy Damo..." " It's my sad duty..." " Democlay... to tell the tale of the Baudelaires' tragic lives." "Dimoclath..." "But you likely have no such responsibilities..." " Dimoclat..." " And should escape from this sad story..." " Demcaca..." " before another storm of melancholy" " engulfs you in dampness and misery." " Dock." "It's pronounced Damocles." "After the probably apocryphal figure in Sicilian mythology." "Well, I don't have time to learn things." "The banking day has already begun." "In any case, I'm sure you'll be off on some exciting adventure with your new guardian." "Remember, you can always rely on us at Mulctuary Money Management." "Now, if you'll excuse me," "I will leave you alone on this mostly deserted dock to await for your taxi to your Aunt Josephine's house." "She's not meeting us here?" "Strangely, she said she'd be unable to come to the dock, and I didn't think it polite to ask why." "Perhaps she's planning a surprise party for you children." "Which reminds me," "I know you've had a frightening and mystifying time with that horrible man, what, um, Count..." " What's his name?" "Um..." " Olaf." "Olaf." "Who knows where he came from?" "You put us in his care." "I wouldn't exactly call it care." "He's a thief and a murderer, and so far has completely escaped capture." "But I have the thing that just might turn things around." "Peppermints!" "Delicious peppermints!" "My second favorite candy when I was a boy." "You can eat them in the taxi on the way to meet your dowager aunt." " What's that?" " Oh, Violet, I'm surprised at you." "A girl your age should know that a taxi is a car that takes you someplace for a reasonable fee." " [Violet sighs]" " And this should just about cover it." "Cheers, Baudelaires!" "[coughing]" "Good luck." "[continues coughing]" " "Dowager" is a fancy word for widow." " [chuckles softly] Thank you." "Should we have told him we're allergic to peppermints?" " It didn't seem worth mentioning." " [clangs]" "We have a lot more important things on our minds." "Like asking Aunt Josephine if she can help explain all the strange and mysterious things that keep happening to us." "And how to get a taxi." "[tires screech]" "Does anyone need a ride somewhere for a reasonable fee?" " This town doesn't seem very crowded." " It's the off-season." "When the weather's nice, this town is as crowded as can be." "But around now, things are as dead as the cat I ran over this morning." " Hold on." " [tires screeching]" "I hope your Aunt Josephine has enough food and supplies when Hurricane Herman arrives." "It's supposed to be a doozy." "I'm gonna sit it out in a cabin with the works of Herman Melville and a large pot of vegetarian chili." "I thought hurricanes only occurred near oceans." "With a body of water as large as Lake Lachrymose, anything can happen." "[giggling]" "You know, what's interesting is the storms in Herman Melville's work are more metaphorical, or even allegorical, rather than the naturalistic style of someone like Thoreau, if you know what I mean." "The shore represents our tenuous hold on the earthly nature of mortal existence, and the turbulent waters represent the villainy and troubles in our own lives." "Like a threatening rowboat getting closer and closer with each passing moment." "[sighs] Solitude." "Blissful contemplation of my inward eye." "Only when I am alone can I court the muse and dream up the next step in my... [chuckles] ...glorious scheme." "[grunting] And what is the next step, boss?" "Brute force?" "No, no." "I need something worthy of this grandiose locale." "Something dashing, something romantic." "You know, in many ways, I am married to the sea." "This is actually a large lake." "[Olaf] I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake." " Land ho!" " I told you to stop calling me that." "[taxi driver] I'd say to him, "Lay off the big white whale for a few days." "See how you feel." "Take a vacation." "Rest your leg."" "Wow!" "Your aunt must be a remarkable lady to live all the way up here by herself." "We've been told Aunt Josephine is fierce and formidable." "She must be." " Good luck!" " Thank you." "I hope she really can answer all of our questions." "There's so much we don't know." "It's like we're standing on the edge of a precipice with no idea what lies below." "[Lemony] In fact, it was exactly like that." "Although I do know what lies below, which is a 300-foot drop into the freezing waters of Lake Lachrymose." "Still, standing on a precipice is better than slipping on a precipice, or falling over a precipice." "So, before things get worse," "I would advise that you take note of the three words the Baudelaires were about to find on Aunt Josephine's front door." "[Klaus] "Please go away."" "[silence]" "Don't knock." "You might get splinters." "This door is made of wood, which is teeming with tiny shards, which in turn is teeming with infection." "You must never knock." "I'm sorry." "I'm sure you're right about all of that." "We're looking for our Aunt Josephine." "I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings..." "Klaus and Sunny, of course, of course." "Come in." "Come in!" " The doorbell didn't appear to be working." " It's disconnected." "There is the danger of electrocution." "[stammers] And be careful not to bump into the phone." "I've read quite a bit about electricity, and I'm reasonably certain that doorbells and telephones are safe." "Not if you have a faulty pacemaker." "Does someone here have a faulty pacemaker?" "No, but you can never be too careful." "Do you live with our Aunt Josephine?" "I am your Aunt Josephine." "[gasps and screams]" " You are?" " Yes, of course." " Are you sure?" " Of course I'm sure." "Although, I prefer the word "certain." Follow me." "But mind the rug." "You might trip and break your necks." "Fierce Aunt Josephine." "Formidable Aunt Josephine." "[babbles]" ""Delmo"?" "What do you mean by "delmo"?" "I consider myself an expert on the English language, and I have no idea what the word "delmo" means." "Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet." "Just baby talk, mostly." "Well, you have arrived just in time." "I know you've seen many unusual things." " Yes, we have." " And you must have many questions." " Yes, we do." " In my library, you will find all the answers that you need." " Are you ready?" " We're ready." "Then open the door. [gasps]" "Ah!" "Just... just push on the wood." "The knob could shatter into a million pieces and hit your eyes!" "[breathes deeply]" "Lake Lachrymose." "I know every island in its waters and every cave along its shores." "But now I can only stand to look at it from far away." "That's why I couldn't meet you on the docks." "I'm too haunted by the past." "Does this have anything to do with our parents?" "Certainly not." "It has to do with my husband..." "Ike." "He was my best friend, my partner, and one of the few people I knew who could whistle with crackers in his mouth." "His specialty was Beethoven's fourth string quartet." " Our mother could do that." " Her specialty was Mozart's 14th symphony." "Yeah, that's right." "We were all friends, your parents and Ike and me." "We used to gather on these shores for picnics and to develop our own secret codes." " Our parents developed secret codes?" " I'll never forget our last picnic." "I warned Ike to wait an hour after eating before going into the lake," " but he only waited 45 minutes." " [Klaus] Did he get cramps?" "That's what's supposed to happen if you don't wait an hour before you swim." "Cramps are one reason, but in Lake Lachrymose, there's another." "Part of the lake is a breeding ground for the Lachrymose Leeches, which are quite different from regular leeches." "They each have six rows of very sharp teeth and one very sharp nose that can smell the tiniest bit of food from far, far away." "The Lachrymose Leeches are usually quite harmless, but if they smell food on a human, they will start to swarm around him and... [screams]" "[sobbing]" "I apologize, children." "It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with the word "and,"" "but I get so upset when I think about Ike." " We're sorry we asked about him." " We didn't mean to upset you." "Aunt Josephine, you said you had answers for us." "Yes!" "Thank you for reminding me." "As soon as Sunny said what she said," "I knew you were missing some crucial information." "Sunny?" "What did she say?" "Don't you remember, Klaus?" "She said "delmo,"" "and that's when I knew what I had to impart." "The key to making sense to this..." "this confusing and terrifying world." "Perhaps you're too young." " We can handle it." " We can handle anything." "Grammar." " Grammar?" " Grammar." "Since I lost Ike, I have devoted my life to the study of it." "Here is a complete history of nouns." "Oh!" "And there is an explicitly illustrated encyclopedia of verbs." "I am so happy to have three young new charges to learn everything, from the Oxford comma to the Wesleyan semicolon." " Grammar." " Grammar!" "It's the greatest joy in life, don't you find?" "Aunt Josephine, what does grammar have to do with developing secret codes?" "Uh, you used the wrong tense, Klaus." "It's a common grammatical error." "You should have said," ""What did grammar have to do with developing secret codes?"" " What did grammar have to do..." " Absolutely nothing." " [clock chimes] - [shrieks] It's the clock." "[chuckles] Lunch time." "How does soup sound?" "[both] Soup sounds wonderful." "[house creaking in wind]" " Uh, cold soup." " Oh, yes." "I never cook anything hot." "I'm afraid to turn on the stove." "It..." "it might burst into flames." "This is chilled cucumber soup." "It's a recipe that I learned in Egypt, where I was briefly employed as a snake charmer." "Our father lived in Egypt before we were born." " Is that when you..." " I don't talk about that." " When we were living with Uncle Monty..." " I said I don't talk about that." " But there was a statue..." " Klaus, I said I don't talk about that." "You don't talk about that?" "Or you won't?" "This is one of those rare grammatical instances where "don't" and "won't" mean the same thing." "I knew your parents a long time ago, when things were very different." "Those were fierce and formidable days." "But I don't talk about that, and you won't hear about that." "I shouldn't have to tell you orphans there are many, many things to be afraid of in this world." "The safest strategy is to be afraid of them all." "I like to think of happier things." "The joys of grammar and how much Ike loved the sunshine." "I like to imagine that where he is now, the weather is just as lovely and sunny as can be." "Of course, nobody knows what happens to you when you die, but I like to think that my husband is somewhere hot." "Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought about moving somewhere else?" "Maybe if you lived far away from Lake Lachrymose," " you might feel better." " We'd go with you." "Maybe then you'd feel comfortable enough to discuss some of the things you don't and won't discuss." "I could never sell this house." "I'm afraid of real estate agents." "[door opens]" "I'm sure you know there are two kinds of fears:" "rational and irrational." "Or, in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't." "For instance, the Baudelaire orphans had a fear of Count Olaf, which makes perfect sense because he is an evil man who wants to destroy them." "But if they were afraid of lemon meringue pie, that would be an irrational fear because lemon meringue pie is delicious and has never hurt a soul." "Being afraid of hurricanes is perfectly rational because they can be quite sinister and destructive." "But a fear of real estate agents, a term which here means" ""people who assist in the buying and selling of houses,"" "would be an irrational fear because nothing sinister has ever come from the real estate market." "[whistling]" "Count Olaf." "I didn't think I'd see you again after all that unpleasantness with Mr. Snicket." "What are you doing here?" "It's the off-season." "Thanks to a helpful real estate agent, this restaurant is under new management." "New management?" "Don't make me laugh." "You're not laughing." "Neither are you." "The Baudelaires are safe and sound and learning everything they need to know" " about our secret organization." " Oh?" "They should've begun their training years ago, but it's not too late." "[grunts] Rats!" "Their new guardian is the most fierce and formidable member of our organization." "Wait, not Snicket?" "What?" "No." "Isn't he dead?" "Is he?" "It doesn't matter." "All your silly codes and obscure literary references" " can't save you." " Oh?" "The Baudelaire children will be destroyed," " and their fortune will be mine." " Rats!" "You and your ridiculous comrades will be swept away." "[grunts]" " We'll see about that." " Yes, we will." "That's what I'm saying." "You can push me around all you want..." " Thank you." " But Josephine will stop you." "The children will stop you." "Reports indicate that they have incredible gifts." "Josephine?" "[sighs]" "Gifts!" "For Violet, a lovely doll... with plenty of outfits." "Her name is Pretty Penny." " Isn't she adorable?" " She looks a little like Madame Curie." "For Klaus, a deck of cards." "I have never been a young boy, but I hear they enjoy card games." "I once read a book about the history of legalized gambling." "And for little Sunny, it is a rattle." " It makes a little noise." " [rattling]" "Do you like them?" "It's very generous of you, Aunt Josephine." "Well, I know my home isn't the warmest place, but if you follow the rules, it will be a safe one." "And as your guardian, your safety is my greatest responsibility." "That is why I put cans near all the doors and windows each night." "In case any burglars come in, they trip over the cans and wake us up." "But what if we're awake in the house with an angry burglar?" "Angry burglar?" "Where?" "Aunt Josephine, you must be very worried about Hurricane Herman." " Hurricane?" " [Violet] Herman." "The taxi driver said it's a huge storm headed our way." "Oh, dear." "We'll need food!" "We'll need supplies!" "We must all go to town immediately." "Maybe my sisters and I could stay here." "Good point." "You never know what might happen in a small town." "You ever read Thornton Wilder?" "Perhaps we should all stay here." "Of course, but what if we run out of food in the middle of a hurricane?" " Wouldn't that be frightening?" " Terrifyingly frightening?" "I won't be long, children!" "Don't do anything dangerous!" "You know, anything I wouldn't do!" " Of course not!" " Nothing you wouldn't do!" "I know you don't care for the sound, but maybe I could use your rattle to invent a burglar alarm so Aunt Josephine won't have to rely on piles of cans." "And, Sunny, you can have the deck of cards." "You enjoy playing poker more than I do." " That leaves you with the doll." " Plenty of boys enjoy playing with dolls." "Although, I would rather a book." " That doesn't seem fair." " At least Aunt Josephine's trying." "She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked." "We shouldn't complain." "You're right." "She means well." "Even though she's terrified of everything, we shouldn't complain." "[chuckling] You're right." " I want to complain anyway." " [chuckles] Let's get to work." "Aunt Josephine told us that all the answers we need were in her library, but she made a grammatical error." "Wait, let me get this straight." "Aunt Josephine made a grammatical error?" "The word "library" is singular, meaning one." "But this isn't one library, it's two." "The one you see here... and the one you don't." "Aunt Josephine might not open up, but her safe might." "That won't be easy." "That's why people have safes." "Most safes use three numbers." "That means that there are thousands of possible combinations." "One million." "Aunt Josephine said that she and our parents developed secret codes." "In some codes, numbers substitute for letters and words." "It'd have to be something she'd remember." "Something she cares about." " "Grammar"?" " Too many letters." "What else does she care about?" "Cold food?" "Doorbell safety?" "Avoiding questions about anything we want to know?" "That's three letters long." ""I" is the ninth letter of the alphabet." "Eleven for "K."" "And "E," the fifth." "[Violet] Crackers?" "[Klaus] Very high-pitched Beethoven." "That's Ike's whistling music." "And look..." "[Klaus] Aunt Josephine wrestling with an alligator?" "And winning." "[Klaus] Boxing." "Skydiving." "Who jumps out of a plane for fun?" "Cooking with fire." " She wasn't scared of anything." " What happened to her?" "[Klaus] The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations." "All the answers are in here." "Even if our guardian won't tell us anything, we can still find out what we're looking for." "[Josephine] Not the doorknob!" "Not the doorknob!" "Baudelaires." "Baudelaires, there you are." "Sunny!" "I found something very interesting at the town market and petting zoo." "Limes." "I found two very interesting things at the town market and petting zoo." "One, yes, a great deal of limes at a reasonable price." "It's perfect for cold lime stew." "The other is even better." "Something wonderful." "Baudelaires, I know I am a disappointment to you and to countless others." "Believe it or not, I used to be a fierce and formidable woman." "Your parents and I were more than friends." "We were associates." "We were colleagues, comrades, collaborators, allies, volunteers!" "But these are troubling times." "I know you miss Ike very much." "And I know you miss your parents very much." "It's a curious thing, the death of a loved one." "It's like climbing the stairs to your room in the dark, thinking that there's one more stair than there is." "And your foot falls through the air, and there is a sickly feeling of dark surprise." " That's exactly what it's like." " It's terrifying." "But today I realized, with my hands full of limes, you can't be terrified forever." "I think I am ready to be fierce and formidable again." " And I think we can do it together." " That sounds wonderful." "So, can I leave you children alone a few more hours?" "He wants to take me out for a fried-egg sandwich." " What?" " I met a man, a gentleman, at the town market and petting zoo." "He has had a troubled past, and we're going to talk about it over a fried-egg sandwich." "It'll be good to have something hot for a change." "I just wanted to get a warm cardigan that's flattering to my figure." "You're going on a date?" "Don't be vulgar, Violet." "It is not a date, necessarily." "It's just two adults sharing quality time together over toasted rye bread and runny yolks." "Oh, be nice to him, won't you?" "Just make small talk while I get my sweater." "[gasps excitedly]" "Oh, Captain!" "Oh, Captain!" "I'm hobbling as fast as I can, Josephine." "Well, good evening, children." "My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea." "No, it isn't." "Well, it's... it's a large lake." "Don't be ridiculous." "All right, all right." "My home is near a large lake." "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." "We've already made your acquaintance." "You're Count Olaf." "Count Olaf?" "Why would you bring up such a terrifying person?" "Count Olaf!" "Just as I was working up the courage to go put on my cardigan." "Good thing we have a sea captain to keep us safe." "Aunt Josephine, this is not a sea captain." "This is Count Olaf." "Klaus, I am shocked!" "It's true." "I am shocked at your grammar." "You can't say, "This is Count Olaf."" "The proper sentence is, "He is Count Olaf."" "Who is this Count Omar?" "He sounds handsome." "He has the same shiny eyes and the same single eyebrow." "Klaus!" "Grammar!" " That is an eyepatch." " [Violet] The tattoo!" "Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle." "[Josephine] Violet... this man's left ankle was devoured during his duties as a sailboat rental agent." "That's how the two of us met." " I was shopping for limes." " She was shopping for limes." "[both laughing]" " [Sham] Shall I?" " [Josephine] Oh, you tell it." " No, you tell it." " Very well." "I remember it as if it were yesterday." "Although it was only a few hours ago." "Very fresh dill." "Very fresh dill." "Have you heard that Captain Sham is in town?" "What a wonderful and handsome fellow that Captain Sham is." "Fish heads!" "Fish heads!" "Roly-poly fish heads!" " Speaking of handsome..." " Have you heard about Captain Sham?" "I'm talking to myself about Captain Sham." " Limes." "A whole lot of limes." " Limes!" " Limes." " I need some limes." " I sell limes." " Oh, citric acid." "Would you allow me, madam?" "I have an eye for ripeness, and I've always thought that the tangiest pulp comes from the toughest rinds." "Oh, my." "Of course, you're probably far too young to understand that, Miss..." "Anwhistle." "Josephine Anwhistle." "I'm Captain Sham." " The brave Captain Sham?" " The famous Captain Sham?" " The Captain Sham." " Who isn't in disguise?" " Oh, I've heard your name everywhere." " Yes, that's the idea." "My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea." "Oh, I would have thought you lived nearby." "[sighs] Large lake, large lake." "I am so happy to make the acquaintance of a local personage." "I've been so lonely since I lost my..." " Um..." " Left." "Left leg." "I'm so sorry." "Yeah, I've been fitted with a wooden prosthetic." " How did it happen?" " Um, we used half of an old broom." " No, I mean, the accident." " Oh, the accident!" "Nobody could possibly understand." "It's un-understandable." " I was sitting on my boat..." " The way sailors do." " Enjoying some pasta puttanesca..." " Which is also totally normal." " When I spilled some on my leg." " And a very handsome leg it was." "Before I knew it, the leeches were attacking me." " Terrible!" " [both] Ghastly!" "I fought them off as best I could." " Ka-pow!" " Zoink!" " But my right leg was not strong enough." " Left." "My right leg was not strong enough to rescue my left leg." " That's terrible." " Yes, it is terrible." "And no one can understand." " Can you, stranger?" " No." " You, other stranger?" " No." " I wish I could understand." " Because you're so very handsome." "You see, nobody can understand, and that's why I'm all alone." "[all] Aw!" "I can understand, Captain Sham." " What?" " It can't be!" " Extra..." " ...ordinary." "I don't believe it." "That's just how it happened with my husband." " That wasn't pasta." " Leeches." "I lost my husband to the Lachrymose Leeches." "Good heavens!" "I had absolutely no idea." "I swear." "None of us did." "I've never even heard of your husband Ike." "Then... you do understand." " I think I do." " What?" " Two lost..." " ...and damaged souls." "[both] K-I-S-S-I-N-G." "Could it be possible that my lonely days are over?" "I have been lonely, too." "And I disconnected the doorbell." " Why did you do that?" " Because of electrocution." " That's crazy." " Uh, boss!" "Crazy because I did the exact same thing myself!" " Really?" " Okay, yes." "The world is so terrifying." "It is?" "It is!" "Just like the rough and tumultuous sea." " Lake." " Lake." "Well, perhaps I need a captain." "Yes." "Yes!" "Perhaps we should sail this fragile and flammable world together." " Sail?" " Yes, I'm a sailboat rental agent." "Is that anything like a real estate agent?" "It's actually quite similar." "Absolutely not." "See?" "I have my own business card." ""Captain Sham's Sailboats." "Every boat has it's own sail."" "Oh, Captain, you have made a serious grammatical error here." "What?" "This card says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S." "That always means "it is."" "You don't mean to say "Every boat has it is own sail."" "You mean simply I-T-S, as in "belonging to it."" "It's a common mistake, but a dreadful one." "Thank you for pointing that out." "Care to accompany me on a cruise through leech-infested waters?" "Oh, no, Captain." "I couldn't possibly go out on Lake Lachrymose." "Not after what happened to my husband." "I'm surprised you can." "I can't!" "I never said I could." "Uh... [whispers] Fried-egg sandwich." "How would you like to go get a fried-egg sandwich?" "What an opportunity." " I'm so..." " ...jealous." " I'd love to." " Great. [clicks teeth]" "Perhaps I could review it one more time." "I-T-apostrophe-S." "I'm sure they understand, Josephine!" "After all, these three children aren't blithering morons, are you, Baudelaires?" "No, they're wonderful, obedient little orphans." "Maybe one day, they'll also let me take them on a boat ride, very far away." "Ahoy, a hairless pygmy!" "She is a baby and you know that." "We'll discuss what sort of pygmy she is later." "In the meantime, the adults have a date." " I'll get my cardigan." " Hmm." "Aunt Josephine!" "Oh, Violet, calm down." "I'll be back in a jiffy!" "So... long time, no see." " You'll never get away with this." " Get away with what?" "I'm just a sea captain romancing a fierce and formidable woman." " You're not a sea captain." " Oh, yes, I am." "It says so on my business cards." "Business cards aren't proof of anything." "Anyone can go to a print shop and have cards made that say anything they like." "Well, you're just a heap of facts, aren't you, Klaus?" "Facts and facts and facts and facts!" "But none of them do you any good." "Just like poor Uncle Monty." "And your parents, may they rest in ashes." "Oh, Captain Sham?" "Aunt Josephine, we have to tell you something." "That's right!" "Stay back, Josephine!" "Stay back!" "There's lit candles in here!" "Everyone remain calm." "Remain calm!" "Oh, the heat!" "The heat!" "[panting]" "The danger has passed." "It's fine now." "The orphans tried to engulf your entire house in flames, but it's fine now." "[shushing]" "Oh, thank you, Captain Sham." "Please... call me..." "Julio." "Julio." " Now, let's get a fried egg in you, madam." " I would like that very much." "Though the orphans would like to say they're sorry, wouldn't you, orphans?" "We're very sorry." "We'll speak no more about it, Baudelaires." "Clean up the dishes and go to bed." "And no more candles." " Yes, Aunt Josephine." " Or doorknobs!" " Of course." " Or..." "Come now, Josephine." "Our romantic ride in the back of a taxi awaits." "And be careful in your dreams." "[chuckles] Don't wait up, orphans." "[chuckles deviously]" " We have to go after her." " [both sigh]" "[Klaus] There are at least half a dozen egg sandwich restaurants within driving distance." "We'll walk into town." "If we see the taxi driver, we can ask him where he took them." "What do we do when we find them?" "Aunt Josephine's fallen for Count Olaf's disguise and for Count Olaf." "Maybe so, but we haven't." "Whatever Count Olaf's scheme is, we have to stop it." "Going somewhere?" "Young people shouldn't wander around this time of night." "There are dangerous people lurking about." " Go back in the house." " Where it's safer." "And strangers can't get you." "Strangers?" "Where?" "[hook-handed man] I thought you were guarding the waiter." "I thought they were." " [both] We thought he was!" " So, nobody's guarding the waiter?" "We'll be keeping an eye on you." "[Klaus] Must be another way out of here." "There is one other way." "Wait here." "We can't get out that way." "Even if that window could open, it's at least a 100-foot drop." "Or a 100-foot climb." "I saw some fishing nets in the kitchen." "I could braid them into a ladder." " Violet..." " We could break the window and climb down." " Violet..." " We'd reach the water..." " Violet..." " In no time." " Then what?" " I don't know." "I don't know what to do." "We don't even know what Count Olaf's plan is." "We know he wants to use Aunt Josephine to get our fortune." "Then maybe he's going to kill her, like he did Uncle Monty." "Maybe he's gonna marry her, like he tried to do with me." "I can think of 100 different outcomes, all of which are terrifying." " That must be how Aunt Josephine feels." " Maybe she's right." "The world is scary and we should be afraid." "No matter where we go, Count Olaf will be there." "No matter who we tell, no one will listen to us." "There is nowhere safe for us... and no guardian can help us." "And our parents are never coming back." ""Life is a conundrum of esoterica."" " That's what Uncle Monty..." " Uncle Monty is dead." "Aunt Josephine isn't." "She didn't protect us from Count Olaf, but we can still protect her." "We have to warn her, even if it's dangerous." "You don't sound scared." "Remember what Mother said? "Do the scary thing first..."" ""And get scared afterwards."" "I'll see what I can find." "I'll work on that ladder." "?" "I, I, I ?" "[coughs]" "?" "I love the sea ?" "?" "The reason I'm a sailor 'cause ?" "?" "It's the only way to be ?" "?" "Well, I love schooners And I love ships ?" "?" "And I love that boat that tugs ?" "?" "I have nautical images ?" "?" "On all my sheets and rugs ?" "See what I did?" "?" "I, I, I ?" "?" "I love the sea ?" "?" "The reason I'm a sailor 'cause ?" "?" "It's the only way to be ?" "?" "The reason I'm a sailor 'cause ?" "?" "It's the only way to be ?" "[off-key high notes] [stammers] It's a large lake, actually." "I do hope the children will be safe." "[Father] I do hope the children will be safe." "We should have a clear flight, provided the weather holds, the plane flies, and none of our enemies have air cannons." " That sounds like..." " Our honeymoon." " Things worked out then." " Well, things change." "We have three children who need us, and they need us now." " They're brave, like their mother." " They're bold, like their father." "Have you decoded the message yet?" "It says, "You can't lock up the barn after the horses are gone."" "I hope we're not too late." " Bullet holes." " It is like our honeymoon." "The expression "You can't lock up the barn after the horses are gone"" "was a favorite of a woman who meant a great deal to me," " even after she was trampled." " [thunder rumbling]" "The expression simply means that sometimes even the best of plans will occur to you when it is too late, just as all of us are far, far too late to be of any help at all to the Baudelaires." "I wish that I could go back somehow and warn the Baudelaires about what would happen that sorry evening." "I spend many sleepless nights wishing there was some powerful invention, some crucial bit of research, that might enable me to change the Baudelaires' sad history." "But again and again I remind myself that there was nothing I could do, just as the Baudelaires could do nothing to prevent that window from shattering." " [glass shattering] - [Violet] What was that?" "[Klaus] It sounded like a window shattering." " [Klaus] Aunt Josephine!" " [Violet] Aunt Josephine?" "[wind whistling]" "Aunt Josephine..." ""Violet, Klaus and Sunny:" "By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end."" "No." ""My heart is as cold as Ike, and I find my life inbearable."" "[Violet whispers] Aunt Josephine." "It is impossible to go back, of course, and tell the Baudelaires that their fears that night were entirely rational." "It is impossible to go back and tell them anything at all, just as it is impossible to put Aunt Josephine's house back on top of this cliff." "I can tell you something." "I can tell you that, as the Baudelaires stood there and gazed out the wide window of Josephine's house," " believing that their guardian was dead..." " [whispers] Aunt Josephine." "...that they were wrong." "I can tell you that Aunt Josephine was not dead at all." "Not yet." "[instrumental theme music plays]"