" Here you guys go." "Some cookies." " Wow." "Okay, great." "Um, as you guys know, I'm moving in with Caroline, and I'm glad we can talk about this like adults." "Caroline is, uh, quite the baker." "Anything else, anyone?" "You're making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic." "NICK:" "I'm going to start over, 'cause this did not go the way I had planned." "As you guys know, I'm leaving, so there are some things" " we need to work out." " WINSTON:" "Yeah, like, what am I going to do with all that extra money I have now that I don't" " have to cover for you any more?" " Okay." " Maybe I'll buy a city." " Oh, and you can open a mall" " And call it Winston's Corners." " What are you guys doing?" "You're just sitting here and letting this happen?" "What else are we going to do?" "The guy obviously knows what he wants." " I do." " SCHMIDT:" "When Nick leaves," "I'm going to call a plumber and just throw cash at him while he works." "Fitties and hunnits, hunnits, hunnits." "Look, while you're at it, can you please call an exterminator so we can get rid of that crime against nature?" "JESS:" "Yeah, he's not fooling anyone." "You think, just 'cause he's a snappy dresser, the mice don't see the hammer?" "Mice come from all over the building to laugh at that dummy witch." "Is this a freaking carob chip?" "What, are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate?" "You idiot." "Aren't you going to miss this, Nick?" "(sighs)" "Winston, can you take me to the doctor tomorrow?" " He's taking the bandages off." " Wow." "The old Washington Monument." "Ready to serve this great nation once again." " Can you stop?" " What?" "It's time to make this horse into a unicorn." "Can we save this talk until after we're done interviewing Neil here to take Nick's room?" "Hey, don't worry about me." "I could talk about my dingus all night long." "Neil, tell us about yourself-- you know, uh, anything we should know, aside from the fact that you responded to our Craigslist ad with a fax?" "Well, um, yeah, my name is Neil." "Um, just coming out of a pretty hairy divorce." "I am in human resources." "Well, I used to be." "I had the unique, uh, experience of having to let myself go." " I did not take it well." " Let me ask you a question." "I would love for you to save your questions till the end." "Are you going to be a wuss about things" " like crabs and bedbugs?" " Like, crabs from Maine?" "I hope you like feminist rants, 'cause that's kind of my thing." "Neil, she's just saying this to scare you." " (hissing)" " What are you..." " What are you doing?" " Shut up." "(hisses) I'm a cutter." "Neil, uh, I want you to give us a minute, okay?" "I got to go talk to my roommates" " in the bathroom." "Guys?" " Okay." " Yeah." "You're acting insane." "I'm acting insane?" "That guy's insane." "Look, Jess, when you moved in, we all had to roll with it." "To be fair, you do some pretty weird stuff." "You know, I still can't get used to the way you let us know when you're using the toilet." "(dinging)" "(sighs)" "I'm good with Neil." " I am, too." " What are you guys doing?" "Nick's leaving." "You're his friends." "Aren't you going to fight for him to stay?" "You're in." "Ah, yes!" "Okay." "And get ready for songs, 'cause I am kind of a troubadour." "This is happening, Nick." "This is happening." "WINSTON:" "Whoa, whoa!" "Why you taking back your lamp?" "I think you just answered that when you called it my lamp." "No, man." "Squatters' rights." "What's wrong?" "You still afraid of the dark?" "What?" "No." "Dude." "'Cause, if you are," "I'll leave this behind." "Nick, first of all, I'm not afraid of the dark." "But if I were afraid of the dark, that would be a totally rational, adaptive evolutionary response." " (ghoulish):" "Good night, Winston." " That's ridiculous." "I'm not afraid of the dark." "Good night, sweetheart." "(ghoulish):" "Unless the monsters get you." "(panting)" " (roars) - (Screams)" "Hey." "You came." "(chuckles)" "Whoa." "What you got in there?" "It's a hard cast." "Yeah, things didn't go quite like we had hoped at the doctor." "Yeah, so I told the guy I had never been snowmobiling in my life, you know, and..." "Oh, God!" "(groans)" "That's not my penis." "But look, on the bright side, it is impossible for me to get aroused in this thing." "Here, watch-- say something hot to me." "Fresh-pressed linens." "Nope, nothing." "Not an inch." " Like a swaddled baby." " MAN:" "Hey, Cece." " They're ready for us." " Oh, okay." "Just hang out, okay?" "Have fun." "PHOTOGRAPHER:" "That's right." "Ride that missile." "Grip it." "Yeah." "You've got a whole tank full of jet fuel." "You're heading straight for the sun." "What the hell war is this?" " All right, turn around and face him." " SCHMIDT:" "Am-am I..." "Am I supposed to want to buy a missile?" "I don't understand." "Just pounding the drum of war." "What-what, did no one listen to Eisenhower?" "All right, so that's everything." "I took my fair share of rubber bands, so I don't want to hear about it." "In my room, you will find a shoe box." "In that box, there is a guinea pig that I said I would bury," " so please deal with it." " There's a corpse in your room?" "All right, guys, well, thanks for helping me move." "What are we standing in a circle for, like a bunch of weirdos?" "Let's go." "Hey, Nick?" "Yeah." "Why are you rushing this?" "You have so much time." "Why not just... take a second and think about this?" "I feel confident." "I-I couldn't be more confident, Jess." " Are you?" " Yeah." " Are you?" " Yes." "Are you really?" "Thanks for helping me move." "(sighs)" "I love the way he smelled." "Caroline and I are starting a whole new life together." "Right now, we're trying to decide between eggshell and soft mint for the walls." "My gut says that eggshell is trying too hard, but soft mint is really tricky to match." "Have I told you guys about the bay windows I'm going to have?" " Yes, you have." " Yeah, you just did." "They are stunning, right?" "I'm going to curl up in those like a damn cat." " NICK:" "That's the place." " SCHMIDT:" "That's-that'sthe place right there?" "Right there, yeah." "Aren't you going to stop?" "Yeah, seems like I should." "Um, hey-hey, Nick." " Yeah." " What are you doing?" " I'm freaking out!" "Yeah!" " What are you...?" "Oh, no." "Oh, Nick Miller's freaking out again!" "Whoop-de-whoo." "NICK (laughing):" "What's new?" "Come on!" "What the hell?" "You think he's okay, man?" "Oh, no, no, no, he's totally fine." "We do this every day." "We just never invite you, Winston." "What have I done?" "!" "SCHMIDT:" "Hey, Nick, I'm pretty sure you overshot the apartment by like 140 miles!" "Let's just hop back in the truck, turn around and go home." " Yeah, yeah, you're right." " Okay?" " Okay." " This is crazy that I drove out here." " Yeah, it is." "Give me the keys." "I'll drive you back to Caroline." "Caroline... no!" "Well, that was unexpected." "♪ I like to move in, move in, I like to move in, move in ♪" "♪ I like to ♪" "♪ Move in. ♪" "I like it quiet, quiet." "CECE:" "Okay, I rode up in the elevator with that guy, and something growled in that box." "I hope he has a pet." "That would cheer me up." "Um, is Schmidt here?" "No, he's helping Nick move-- but, uh, Neil is." "Do you want to do a sex-only thing with him?" "He came by my shoot earlier and was so jealous." "He was freaking out the entire time." " (ringtone playing)" " Oh." "It's him, so..." "Hi, Schmidt." "How's it going?" "How's the new apartment?" "Does it smell like, uh, new paint and compromise?" "What?" "Where?" " There's not much sunlight left." " What are you" " afraid of, the dark?" " No, I'm not afraid of the dark." "Worried about Schmidt." "He's a Jew in the desert." " I don't want him to wander." " (Ringtone playing)" "That's Caroline." "Now, what do I tell her?" "Tell her there's freaking fire ants everywhere." "Give me a sec." "Hey." "Nick, where are you?" "In the desert." "The what?" "Yeah, I kind of..." "I kind of freaked out." "(sighs) Look, I know it's a lot." "Just get back here as soon as you can, and we'll... we'll figure it out." "(chuckling):" "Really?" "I love you." "I love you, too." "(laughs)" "Think I overreacted by throwing my keys earlier." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah." "I don't know why" "I ever doubted Caroline." "She's the best." "So, why the hell would you throw your damn keys away?" "!" "I deserve this." " I'm going to kill you!" "(yells)" " Hey, Winston, no." " The boat is going down!" " All right, all right." " Calm down." "Nick!" " I'll kill you!" "I'll kill you!" " (grunting)" " Enough!" "Would you stop it?" "There's violence everywhere!" "Why are we fighting?" "Why are we fighting?" "NICK:" "Oh, good." "Oh, thank God." "WINSTON:" "Hey, Jess!" "What took you so long?" "Let me tell you something-- you never want to lose a race against the night." "Nice new place, Nick." " It's very spacious." " NICK:" "Yes, I'm an idiot, Jess." " JESS:" "Really nice." " Hey." "That's for you." "What happened at the shoot?" "You... you kind of left before I had a chance to say good-bye." "Good stuff, sure." "It was hard to tell where you stopped and Goggles McHardBody began." "That's my job." "Gino is just some guy that I see around the office, except for, in my office, they rub us down" " with baby oil before we start." " Yeah, I-I get that." "Look, your business is selling sex." "Sure, you're a sex worker." "You're an idiot." "If we leave right now," "I can get back to Caroline by 8:00." "Caroline?" "Yeah, I-I changed my mind." "Gonna move in." "Yeah, and I actually don't even care about this truck." "I'll come back and get it tomorrow." "I say we just leave now," " get out of the desert." " Sounds good." " Sounds good." " Here's my question." " What's that?" " How are you going to get there?" "Uh, I think you're going to drive me." " Oh, I don't think so." " Wait." "What?" " Then why'd you come out to the desert?" " What?" "!" " What?" "What are you doing?" " Jess." " Jess!" " No!" "Come on!" "People, just please listen to me." "Stop throwing your damn keys!" "The werewolves come out at night, man." "I don't want nobody to eat me!" " I got big thighs." "I got a fat ass." " Relax." "We are in the middle of the desert, and nobody" " is going to find our bodies!" " Come here." " What?" " You're having a nervous breakdown." " (sobbing)" " You're having a nervous breakdown." "The tow truck can't come until tomorrow." "Aren't you glad I stole all this beer?" " Hello." "Look what I found." " Don't." "Put that away." " No, I have to hear it." " I-I'm begging you to put that away." "It's humiliating." "I made that when I was 14." "Nick, I have to hear this." " NICK (over tape):" "This next song" " Turn it up." " No, please..." "Goes out to a very special girl, Gwen Bressler." "I know you like breakfast, but how do you feel about..." " "Breakfast at Tiffany's"?" " "Breakfast at Tiffany's."" "Oh, that is a terrible song." " This is a great song." " (Song begins)" "You guys are crazy." "Listen to the lyrics." "Oh, man." "I feel it in my body." "Oh..." "Are you kidding me?" "This is in my bones." "♪ I said, "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's"?" "♪" " WINSTON:" "No!" " ♪ Something, something ♪" "♪ Da da-da da-ta ♪" "(chuckling)" "NICK:" "Gwen, you don't even know my name, do you?" ""How Bizarre."" "Oh, yes, this is where Nick got cool again." "CECE:" "Oh, not you, too." "(laughter)" "(cell phone chimes)" "NICK:" "God, I'm like, I'm back." "Thank you for doing this, actually." "Make fun of me all you want." "I'm back!" "I'm back!" "Thank you for doing this." "(laughter)" "♪ In the hot, hot sun ♪" "♪ Suddenly, red-blue lights flash us from behind ♪" "♪ Loud voice booming... ♪" "(mellow music playing)" "SCHMIDT:" "I'm gonna miss this, you guys." "Just all of us, together, making fun of Nick." "(chuckles):" "Okay." "All right, I did it." "I'm an idiot." "I see what you guys are doing." "I get it." "You're trying to force me to remember how great it is when we're all hanging out so I don't want to leave." " We're just having fun." " I get it." "You guys think I'm dumb and I make bad decisions," " but this isn't that." " No." "What?" "Come on." "JESS:" "You're being crazy." "Where are you going?" " To get my keys." " Dude, where you going?" "You're never gonna find your keys." "(sighs)" "What's wrong with you?" "You're stress-eating meat." "Hey, Jess." "How many have you had?" "Like, three." "That's a lot of pig parts." "It's just Cece." "JESS:" "I thought it was going so well between you guys." "Yeah." "You know, she's a good egg." "She's never gonna be happy with somebody like me, Jess." "What?" "That's crazy." "That's why I'm gonna have to White Fang her." "Schmidt, come on!" "Look, I try not to judge what you guys do, but please don't tell me things like that." "No, no, Jess, Jess." "The book:" "White Fang." " Oh." " This guy" "Befriends a wild creature." "But he must, he must set the animal free because that's what's best for it." "I know the plot of White Fang." "But the animal won't go." "So with a breaking heart, he throws stones at it until it runs away." "You-you want Cece to go away?" "No." "I want her to be happy." "'Cause when-when you care about somebody, you do what's-what's best for them." "Even if it sucks for you." "Even if they're just a "woof."" "A wolf?" " A "woof."" " A wolf." "Yeah, that's what I said, a "woof."" "(laughs) A wolf." "A "woof."" "Come on, keys." "JESS:" "Hey, Nick?" "Come on, they could be anywhere." "Let's come back in the morning." "I don't want to come back in the morning, Jess." "Okay, I want to be in my new bed, in my new apartment, with my new old girlfriend." "Okay, just-- look, I know I've been" "What?" "(muffled):" "Oh, my God." "Shh-shh." "Shh." "(growling)" "Oh, my God." "NICK:" "Okay, just be cool." "What do we do?" "What do we do?" "I don't know, I don't know what to do!" " Okay, but, Jess, we have to do something!" " Shh." "(growling)" "Meep-meep!" " What are you doing?" " Like the Road Runner." "I know it's like the Road Runner." "Why would you do the Road Runner?" " Because he's..." " Don't do that, Jess." " Meep-meep!" " Jess, honestly," "Don't do the Road Runner to a coyote!" "That's how you deal with coyotes." "Coyotes hate roadrunners!" "That's how you deal with them." "Coyotes want to kill roadrunners!" "(growling)" "Meep-meep!" "Oh, you... (growling)" "(whispering):" "No disrespect." "It's watching us." "It's watching us." "We need to talk." "All right." "This is not another one of those" ""merlot is the whore of the vineyard" talks, is it?" "This isn't working out." "Are you kidding... right now?" "Are you trying to end this with me?" "Now go on!" "You heard me!" "Go on!" "Go on, scram!" "Go!" "I hate you!" "Go!" "(yelling)" "Go back to your kind!" "Are you White Fanging me?" "Sorry, what?" "White Fang, Schmidt." "The only book on your Kindle." "The one that you wouldn't stop talking about." "Remember, I said, "Please,"" "stop talking about White Fang."" "And you said, "Someday, I'm gonna do this to somebody."" "That White Fang." "Uh-huh." "Why are you trying to push me away?" "I saw your phone, Cece." "I saw the text message from Gino." "Your colleague." "You went through my phone?" "What?" "No." "Winston..." "Winston went through your phone." "That is not okay." "This is about trust, Schmidt, okay?" "It's about trust." "And I told you how this was gonna be, and I asked you to get okay with it." "How am I supposed to trust you, Cece?" "You slept with me." "I mean, that doesn't say much about your taste in men." "And I have more than one book on my Kindle." "And a subscription to Cricket." "And a lot of PDFs!" "(grunts)" "Doesn't he have somewhere to be?" "Well, this is a disaster." "Why did you keep driving?" "I don't want to talk to you about this, Jess." "I know what you're gonna say, and I don't want to hear it." "No." "No, you don't know what I'm gonna say." "I want you to be happy." "And if that means moving in with Caroline, then I think you should do it." "That's what you think?" "I think you need me too much." "No, I'm gonna be fine." "I am." "I don't think so." " You know why?" " Why?" "'Cause I met you." "That's why I'm okay." "That's why" "I can do this." "What are you doing?" "To beat the coyote, you have to be the coyote." "That's what I thought you were gonna say." "That's a very dumb idea." "Don't do this." "I'm not with her on this." "This is her move, not mine, sir." "(growls)" "(whooping loudly)" "No." "(Jess whooping in distance)" "(whooping continues)" "(howling)" "(whimpering)" " (chuckles):" "Oh, my God." " I did it!" "(chuckles):" "Oh, my God." "I did it!" "I have so much dirt in my mouth, and I did it!" " Come here, come here." " I did it!" "Nice job!" "I did it!" "(whooping loudly)" "(whooping loudly)" "Oh, my God." "Schmidt?" "Hello?" "JESS:" "Winston?" "(screaming) Oh, my goodness!" "Oh, my goodness!" " Oh... my goodness!" " He'll be fine." "I don't know." "You guys want some candy or something?" "Found it in the truck." "No." "I don't want your dirty lolly." "WINSTON:" "Guys!" " Ah!" " Whoo!" "I survived, man." "I made it out alive." " Wait, wait, don't touch me." " Don't touch..." "There's, uh, there's pee everywhere." "Like... everywhere." "It's everywhere?" "Well, I didn't just pee on me." "I peed-- well, I peed on me, but other-other things peed on me, too." "I saw things, man." "I had an experience." "I think I made out with the side of a dune." "Hey!" "Look, I found my keys!" " Ah!" "Thank God!" " (Sighs)" "We still on for brunch?" "Gonna come help me unload my stuff tomorrow?" "No, not a chance." "No, yeah, so we can't do brunch." "Just go." "Get in the car." "Unacceptable." "Good luck." "Well..." "Well..." "All right, I'll see you." "See ya." "JESS:" "Wow." "Look how pronounced Nick's couch hole got." "All this time" "I thought he was just sitting here drinking beer and complaining, he was making something." "(chuckles)" "Hey." "What do you think?" "(door closes)" "NICK (recorded):" "Hey, WNICK listeners, this one is going out to all the ladies" "I'm gonna meet when I grow up." "Not." "("You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC playing)" "Hey." "Welcome back, you clown." "♪ She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean ♪" "♪ She was the best damn woman that I ever seen ♪" "♪ She had the sightless eyes, telling me no lies ♪" "♪ Knocking me out with those American thighs ♪" "♪ Taking more than her share, had me fighting for air ♪" "♪ She told me to come, but I was already there ♪" "♪ 'Cause the walls start shaking ♪" "♪ The earth was quaking, my mind was aching ♪" "Nick, turn it off!" "♪ And we were making it ♪" "♪ And you shook me all night long ♪" "♪ Yeah, you shook me ♪" "♪ Yeah, you shook me ♪" "♪ All night long. ♪"