"This is awful." "I can't believe these people are rioting." "Word." "And there ain't even no appliance stores nearby." "What senseless disregard for authority and natural order." " And look at this!" " Don't worry." "I'm on it." "Excuse me, boys." "Passing through." "Hold it right there, sir." "You've littered, and that's illegal." "Oh!" "Wasabi!" "Notch!" "Help!" "It's that Latino family." "They're drowning." "Ah, they must be swimming with their clothes on again." "Looks like it's your lucky day, bad guy." "Fellow members of the commission... hidden in that green duffel bag... is a vial of the deadliest virus we've ever created." "It's a cross between the Ebola virus... and the bubonic plague." "We call it... the ebonic plague." " Murmur, murmur." " Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur." "Our operative was to have unleashed the virus on the rioters... allowing us to extract money from the public... in exchange for the antidote." "Well, let me tell you this:" "For allowing Notch Johnson to foil this plan... we've executed Agent RU-469." "In lieu of flowers, donations can be sent to the Make-A-Wish Foundation." " Murmur, murmur..." " Murmur, murmur..." "Replacing that agent is this man." "As we speak, he's undergoing a surgical procedure... that will enable him to infiltrate SPF-30 Headquarters... and retrieve the vial." "Okay, bring down the video projection unit." "Crap!" "What?" "Where's the other remote?" "No." "Wait." "Forget it." "Hold on." "Hold on." "Hold on." "This'll work." "Let me..." "If I hit this "TV/Video" button here this..." "Operative, this is the commission." "Let's see you in the light without the bandages." "I look hideous." "Perfect." "I love it." "Tonight's episode:" "Son of the Beach is part of a nutritious breakfast." "So, remember, Hernandez family... if you're going to swim... don't do it with your clothes on." "And wait at least a half an hour... after eating your daily burrito." "Guys, they don't understand English." "I'll handle this." "So, keiner burritos!" " Oh!" " Oh!" "Come on." "Let's move those muscular little buns." "We've got a stage to build." " Yo, Mayor, what's the deal?" " Oh, nothing." "Just the biggest concert to ever hit this town." "It's better than Live Aid and bigger than Woodstock." "I call it... "Livestock."" " Wow!" " Wow!" "That's dope." "What kinds of bands do you have lined up?" "So far we have Blink 182..." " Offspring, Limp Bizkit..." " Limp Bizkit?" "Ugh!" "I am so over them." "Plus, I just booked the hottest act in the universe." " Gary Puckett and the Union Gap?" " Who?" "You know..." "Young girl get outta my mind" " My love for you is way outta line, better..." " No, you idiot!" "I'm talking about the Tom Maxwell Project." "Tom Maxwell!" "So, doc, about the bill, do you take plastic... or lead?" " They're expecting 300,000 kids on this beach." " Well, in that case..." "I'd better change the air-freshener in the Porta-John." "Mmm." "Piney." "Yo, I am so pumped for this concert." "It's gonna be huge." "Yeah." "Just thinking about Livestock... really gets me excited." "Wow!" "Check out the buben frügen." "Chip, those are groupies, women who demean themselves... by blindly following around rock stars... and then are used for sex before being thrown away." "Wow!" "What would that be like?" " It ain't about the fame" " It ain't about the fame" " It ain't about the money" " It ain't about the money" "There's only one reason I need to rock" "I want my honey" "I want my honey, y-yeah" "Where's my honey" "I want my honey, yeah" "Damn, BJ.!" "You are one twisted sister." "Hey, what is all the furor about?" "Try it one more time." "Oh, my God!" "It's Tom Maxwell..." " and he's walking right at us." " My God!" "Hey, Kimberlee." "Hi, Tom." "You know Tom Maxwell?" "Uh, well... casually." "We used to be engaged." "Look, Kimberlee, I only wanted to do Livestock... because I knew you lived here." "Oh, Tom, I thought we agreed that..." "Look, I know that I messed up in the past... but now I want another chance." " What's wrong?" "Is there somebody else?" " W..." "Well, there's this one guy I work with." " He must be pretty special." " You could call him... special." "You're just a lady in disguise" "Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh" "Get out of here" "Before I..." "Ah, I think I'll be needing these." "Ughh." "Thank God they only gave me your face." "Oh, I forgot to put the emergency brake on." " Greetings, commission." " How did everything go with Johnson?" "Oh, I guess you could say he was a real... pushover." "Excellent, Operative 8675-309." "Countdown to Livestock." "Yo, I can't wait to shake my groove thing." "I was thinking about it all night." "Couldn't even sleep." "Sounds like somebody could use a protein Slurpee." "Here." "I just made one." "Mmm!" "I love protein." "Hey, Skip, good to see you." "Hello, people that I work with." "Whoa, mama." "Hey, there, B.J." "B.J.?" "Notch, are you trippin'?" " I'm Jamaica." " That's okay, beautiful." "Don't get your thong panties in a bunch." "Is something wrong, Notch?" "You know we don't wear underwear." "Hmm." "One less layer to tear off." "Ew." "Notch, I'm glad you're here." "This is, uh, a little awkward." "I mean, you and I have..." "I know that you don't like lifeguards dating each other." " Come on." "Spit it out, sweetie." " The thing is that, uh... this ex-boyfriend of mine showed up and..." "And you want to know whether to bang him or not." "I say go for it." " Need a condom?" " Notch, that's disgusting." "Yeah, I know." "Hey, Kimberlee... if I needed to get into the police lockup room..." " where do I go to get the entry code from?" " I don't understand." "You're the only one with the code." "I mean, other than the mayor." "Yeah, yeah." "The mayor." "Smell you later." "Oh!" " Oh." " He just..." "I've never seen Notch act so weird." "He's like a brother from another planet." "Ja." "He was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs." "How about this?" "If you give me PearlJam..." "I will personally give you Radiohead." "Who is it?" " Hello, Mayor." " Not now, Johnson." "Can't you see I'm busy?" "I don't think you understand." "There's something I want." "Johnson, how dare you." " I'm sorry." "I just thought..." " How dare you... keep me waiting all these years." "How my loins have ached for this moment... pretending to hate you... while this fire burned inside me." "And you've been on my mind too... beautiful hair, sensuous lips... gorgeous face." "Now turn around, bitch." "Ooh!" "Notchy!" "You do know how to treat a girl." "Kimberlee, no matter how many stadiums I play... no matter how many CDs I sign... no matter how many online music communities I sue... baby, you're the only thing I can think about." "Well, I never forgot you." "Oh, my Lordy!" "I can't believe she kissed Tom Maxwell." "Holy Hanukkah!" "Look at that!" "Ahh." "Aha." "Hmm." "Aah." "Bingo." "Greetings, Commissioner." "I have acquired the virus." "I thought I told you to use protection with that mayor woman." "No." "The ebonic plague." "It is in my possession." "Excellent work, Operative." "Proceed with the plan... to release the virus today at Livestock." "Yes, sir." "It will be my pleasure." "Gentlemen, we are now one step closer to world domination." "We have the most potent virus ever created." "But more significantly..." "Notch Johnson is dead." "Uhh!" "Ow, my head hurts." "How'd I get here?" "Where are my clothes?" "Welcome to Livestock!" "We're a city!" "Malibu Adjacent State Throughway... is closed, man!" "But I do have an announcement." "Whatever you do... do not drink the brown smoothies." "Rock on!" " Hey, Nacho!" " Nacho!" "And strut, and strut and strut, and strut..." "Hello, SPF-50." "I hope you're not going to be a big meany again." " You scared me." " Sorry I've been acting odd... it's just that lately..." " I've had this bad case of jungle fever." " Say what?" "I hear the only cure is..." "two cups of brown sugar." "Ugh!" "Ooh, you like it rough." "What is wrong with you, boy?" "Yeah." "Your manual says what you did is harassment." " Yeah, leave her ass alone." " Fine with me." "I'm heading over to Livestock." "I hear Poison might show up." "Yo, that fool need a checkup from the neck up." "As everyone knows, we Germans will not take orders from a lunatic." "I have faith that our Lord Mr. Christ... will help Notch find his way." " Hey, guys." " Where's your God now, B.J?" "Notch, why are you wearing that dress?" "Oh, because the hubcaps were starting to chafe." "Yo, you got some king-sized nuggets... coming back up in here after what you pulled." "Yeah, I'm sorry, but, you know, lately my mind's been shooting blanks." " Maybe you need some rest, chief." " No." "What I need is a restroom." "Wouldn't it be great if they put toilets in car trunks?" "Wow." "What a neat watch." "I'm telling you, Kimberlee, it'll be different this time." "Let's give us one more chance." "Ahh, it is tempting." "You and I had a good thing together... but I just wanted a normal life... and-and you had your music." "We can have that normal life." "I know we can." "Tom Maxwell, will you sign my breast?" "Sure." "So, anyway." "Kimberlee, I think you should go home and pack." "'Cause tonight we leave for Germany." "And then we're off to Moscow... and then Reykjavik..." "No, wait." "Reykjavik was Wednesday." "Aah!" "Boy, that feels good!" "I got to do this more often." "Uh-oh." "Here comes an aftershock." "What is it, Operative?" "Have you been captured?" "Are you being tortured?" "Aah!" " What is it, Operative?" " Who is this?" "My name's not "Operative."" "Right, right, right." "You're Notch Johnson." "We get it." "Why aren't you at the concert, releasing the deadly fumes?" "Uh, I thought it would be better to do that in here." "I'm talking about the vile of ebonic plague." "You said you recovered the green duffel bag." " Huh?" " I'm suddenly concerned." "You did kill the real Notch Johnson and assume his identity, right?" "Uh, yeah." "The real Notch Johnson is dead." "He's lying in the trunk of a car... with a hubcap covering his large genitalia." "I have to go now." "Good-bye." "You can fill an ocean" "Tom, I just don't think this is gonna work out." " But..." " No, Tom." "I can't take any more... buts." "Kimberlee." "This house is burning" "You see, gang." "It wasn't me all along." "It was a different Notch Johnson, an evil Notch Johnson." "TwoJohnsons?" "That's really hard to swallow." "You have to believe me." "Look." "There he is!" "Excuse me, Officer." "I have to save my commander." " Hait!" "Schteibremon das schieben!" " Huh?" "Chip, he's got the virus." "Shoot him!" " No!" "He's got the virus." "Shoot him!" " I don't know who is who." "Will the real Notch Johnson please stand up?" "It's me." " Wait." "I know." "Hey, Notch, what's your favorite song?" "Uh, that song, uh, "Young Girl."" "Then you must be the real Notch." "Arrest the other one!" "No, wait." "Wait!" "It's not fair!" "I can't remember!" "Remember?" "Jamaica!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Good hands, girlfriend!" "I got it, I got it" " No!" " No!" " No!" "Now, are you sure we've got the right NotchJohnson?" "I'll handle this." "Unfortunately, yes." "Well, it looks like you're going to jail for a long time, evil me." "And with that young pretty face of yours... you're going to be very popular." "I'd like to dedicate this song... to the girl that got away." "I know this one's your favorite, Kimberlee." "Young girl" "Get out of my mind" "My love for you is way out of line" "Better run, girl" "You're much too young, girl" "With all the charms of a woman" "Wow, Kimberlee, this is your favorite song too?" "We have so much in common." "You've kept the secret of your youth" "You led me to believe" "You're old enough" "To give me love" "And now it hurts to know the truth" "Hi, teens..." "Jerry Springer here with a final thought." "You know, tonight's show was about twins." "Do you have an evil twin?" "Would you like to be on my show?" "Uh, excuse me." "Jerry, what are you doing?" " I'm just wrapping up." " Well, that's what I do." "Oh, that's right." "This is your show." "I'm sorry." "Go ahead." "Go ahead." "No problem, Jerry." "Hi, teens." "Notch Johnson here." "Tonight's show was about the dangers of swimming with your clothes on." " Now..." " Do you like to swim naked?" " Would you like to be on my show?" " Excuse me." "Jerry." "I'm sorry." "It's a habit." "It's a habit." "Okay." "Now I lost my place." "Um, okay." "Tonight..." "Tonight's show... was about Livestock." " You know, Livestock..." " Do you like to sleep with farm animals?" "Did you ever cheat on one?" " Would you like to be on my show?" " Excuse me." "Uh..." "Oh, just forget it." "We're out of time." "Um, this is Notch Johnson saying..." " "Ride the big one."" " Do you have a big one?" "Would you like to be on my show?" "Give us a call." "Okay." "Forget it." "Forget it." "Let's cut this thing now." "Cut it!" "Jerry."