"Vernon's coming home." "Is he well enough?" "Can you phone the Crisis Team Vernon?" "They're not coming in here!" "Get out now!" "Put the knife down..." "I'll have to spray you." "No, don't spray it, Dawn!" "Put down the knife or I will fire!" "We remember Vernon Oyenusi, who was so tragically taken from us." "What?" "What happened?" "He got sicker and sicker." "Oh, God, why didn't you phone me?" "I phoned earlier and you didn't answer." "'No pun intended, Father.'" "She can't be left alone over night." "Michael." "Roz." "You said you'd give me a reason to go on living." "You said you'd done something worse than stealing £200,000." "What did you do, Michael?" "Broken windows in empty hallways" "A pale dead moon and a sky streaked with grey" "Human kindness is overflowing" "And I think it's gonna rain today." ""Move him into the sun." ""Gently its touch awoke him once." ""At home, whispering..." Stop!" "Look at it." "Last word of the first line?" "Sun." "Last word of the third line?" "Unsown." "Does it rhyme?" "No, Father." "Are they supposed to rhyme?" "Yes, Father." "Does it LOOK as though it should rhyme?" "Yes, Father." "It's called sight rhyme." "It LOOKS as though it might rhyme, but it doesn't." "Otherwise known as consonantal rhyme, because the consonants are the same." "Continue." ""Always it woke him, even in France," ""until this morning and this snow." ""If anything might rouse him now..." "Now and know." "Sight rhyme." "It adds something, doesn't it?" "An uneasiness, a strangeness, a sense of something not being quite right." "Continue." ""Think how it wakes the seeds," ""woke, once, the clays of a cold star." ""Are limbs, so dear-achieved, are sides," ""Full-nerved, still warm," ""too hard to stir?" ""Was it for this the clay grew tall?" ""O what made fatuous sunbeams toil" ""to break earth's sleep at all?"" "It is a sweet and wonderful thing." "Father?" "Dulce et decorum est." "It is a sweet and wonderful thing." "Read it please, Donnelly." "Shall I come in?" "No, that's OK." "You've got Mass." "Will you be there?" "Yes." "We've got the Catholic Mothers in." "May I tell them about you... about your loss?" "Yes." "In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." "Amen." "The grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all." "And with your spirit." "So, er, once again we've some guests here today." "Women from the UCM." "Welcome to Saint Nick's." "When I was a boy queuing up for confession" "I'd examine my conscience so fiercely" "I'd think the boys behind could read the sins on the back of my head." "I sometimes think, today, it's cowardice with me." "Things I should have said and haven't said." "Things I should have done and haven't done." "All through cowardice." "There's a woman here who gave birth to a boy 18 years ago, and she loved and nurtured him and saw him shot dead in his own street." "She later met two people who she could have blamed for his death, but she did not." "She embraced them and absolved them of all blame, and in doing so, proved herself a far better Catholic, a far better Christian, than I can ever be." "Why, then, am I her priest?" "Why is she not mine?" "I think I know why." "I think I understand why our Church is so set against women priests." "I think it's the old men who run the Church don't want to see menstrual blood on the altar." "I think it's as basic as that." "Fear of, ignorance of, contempt for the bodies of women." ""Ah, it's all right," you might say, these old men will soon be dead... but they've taught younger men, and those younger men will, in turn, teach younger men," "and so it will continue, this fear of, ignorance of, contempt for the bodies of women." "Female priests, female bishops, a female pope..." "That's what our Church needs." "How confidential is this?" "Utterly." "There's no get-out clauses in that, no?" "No, none." "They're going to lie." "I must've got a lungful cos I can't..." "Will you listen to me?" "!" "No, I won't cos I'm sick of listening to you, all right?" "Will you stop that?" "I did everything..." "Shut it, you cracked cow!" ".. according to the book." "If I'd waited for you to act, you dozy bastard, we'd both be dead now." "You were totally out of order... and you, you bloody gobshite, shooting a poor bastard like that!" "Don't start on me." "I can't..." "We were sent to sort it out, calm the bastard down." "Do you get panic attacks?" "It's not a panic attack." "You two sent him out like a raving lunatic, so..." "I'm a woman, therefore it's a panic attack?" "That's not what I'm saying." "You stupid prick." "I had two seconds to react!" "A maniac coming towards me..." "I got a lungful of CS in the course of defending myself and my colleague." "That's down to you and her!" "You're a prick!" "Principal officer?" "McDonald." "Chief Inspector." "Pim of the pip." "You OK?" "Er, yeah." "I knew the boy, sir." "He wasn't a boy." "He must've been in his 20s." "Hm." "Were you the Bronze, Sergeant?" "Sir." "He wasn't a boy." "He was 18." "Police Constable Powell." "First on the scene?" "Yes, sir." "I was following up a burglary, sir, at 168 Ferndell, when it came through about 17 Maddison, sir." "And what happened then?" "Vernon..." "Mr Oyenusi..." "he was in a distressed state." "Holding a knife, saying "they" were going to do him harm." ""They" being...?" "That was my impression, sir, yeah." "I was outside the house at the time." "The door was open, the chain was on." "I was talking to him, I tried to calm him down, and..." "And then we arrived, sir." "Myself, Police Constable Dawn Morris... and Police Constable Ian Wakefield." "And then?" "And then Mr Oyenusi became more distressed." "He got the knife, and..." "And wielded it in a threatening manner." "So, feeling that myself, Police Constable Wakefield, and the man's mother were in danger, I discharged my CS in our defence." "The mother..." "Helen Oyenusi?" "So, you feared for her safety as well as your own and your fellow officer?" "Absolutely, sir." "There's a guy, erm, called Collins investigating all this." "He's from the IPCC." "He calls it "police contact"." "Not a shooting, he calls it "police contact"." "So, you know" "I know his game." "Our involvement is a matter of course in any incident resulting in serious or fatal injuries following police contact... and believe me, it's for your own good, as much as everyone else's." "What I'm going to ask now is that each of you provide Chief Inspector McDonald with an initial account of what took place, and then you're all free to go home and rest and..." "Um..." "We've all been affected by the CS, sir, so I request a few days rest before we give our initial accounts." "Certainly." "Meanwhile, you're not to discuss this amongst yourselves or with anyone else unless I'm present." "Clear?" "Sir." "Helen said he was only a danger to himself." "There was no need to spray him." "Even less need to shoot him." "Is that right?" "They should just ask on the first day." "Line us all up and just say, "Anybody want to carry a gun?"" "And anyone who puts their hand up, just bar them forever from carrying one." "You give guns to people who don't want to use them, who don't want them near them." "You give a gun to someone like Kilcaid, and he'll use it." "Give a spray to someone like Dawn, she'll use it sooner or later." "You know, Dawn sprayed him cos she's always wanted to spray someone." "Kincaid shot him cos he's always wanted to shoot someone." "End of." "And will you say this to the IPCC?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "Me and Peter Flaherty, a priest, a friend of mine, we talk to seminarians, trainee priests, and I tell them," ""Keep these open, that shut, and you can't go far wrong."" "Now, I'm going to ignore my own advice and talk." "OK?" "Right, OK." "You have got to tell the truth." "It's absolutely essential you stick to the truth." "If you don't, what are you saying?" "That Vernon Oyenusi, gentle Vernon Oyenusi, intended to stab someone with that knife." "His mother's heartbroken as it is." "That'll kill her." "I know." "You hoped I was going to ease the burden." "Yeah, I did a bit." "God." "But I'll be here thinking of you." "And I'll be praying for you." "I'll be praying for you." "I'm going to tell the truth." "No matter what." "Do you think I'm a bad copper?" "You shouldn't be here, Dawn." "Do you think I'm a bad copper?" "No." "Terrible person?" "No." "Do you think that I wanted him to die?" "No." "He's got a knife, and he could've gone for us at any second." "But he didn't." "But he could've." "Yeah, but he didn't, mate." "He's got a weapon, and he's gone in the head, and his mum is so scared that she calls for us..." "No, she called the Crisis Team." "They called us." "She was scared." "Yeah, for him, not herself ... definitely not for us." "He's got a weapon, and you reacted and I reacted..." "Yeah, I told him he was safe, that we wouldn't hurt him." "We'd just sit down nice and calm, talk about things... and then he was blinded." "And killed." "You're saying this like he was an ordinary person!" "Well, what were he, then?" "What, did you not see his record?" "I don't care about his record." "We'd been called about him for years." "He'd never been right." "He was an accident waiting to happen." "Blinded and killed, Dawn." "A split second to make a judgment, and I did... and I need you to back me up." "Please." "I'm..." "I'm not asking you to say anything happened that didn't." "I can't, Dawn." "Back me up." "Please." "Just don't contradict me." "Please go, mate." "Just go." "If he doesn't watch my back, then why should I watch his?" "Why should ANYONE watch his?" "So, who's got least to hide?" "Ian." "He didn't spray anyone, didn't shoot anyone either." "Tell Ian, then." "Ian?" "'It's late, mate.' I know, mate." "Erm..." "Listen has she been on to you, Dawn?" "'No.'" "Well, she came here, mate." "This afternoon." "Listen, mate, while she were here, she seemed to be making veiled threats." "She basically said, like, if I don't watch her back, why should she watch mine, and then she said, you know, why should anyone watch mine." "That's a veiled threat, isn't it?" "That's a threat, mate." "Will you do us a favour, mate, and put it in your notebook?" "Look, I don't want to get into all that." "Please, mate, please." "Just for me, Ian." "Just put it in your notebook." "OK." "Thanks for that, mate... and, erm, yeah, sorry to bother you, mate, I know it's late." "It'll be all right." "A mother's lost her son." "Upsetting Dawn's nothing compared to that." "I can't see!" "I can't see!" "He does things." "Such as?" "He..." "Does he put his hand on your thigh?" "Yes." "You must never breathe a word about this to anyone." "Do you understand?" "Yes." "For your penance, say three Hail Marys and then say an Our Father for Father Matthew." "Yes, Father." "God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins." "Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace." "I'm sorry, Dawn, but..." "he didn't pose a threat." "He just didn't." "I don't remember that." "Ian..." "She did the only thing she could." "I don't think it made a difference, though, cos he... he just came out screaming blue murder anyway." ""I'm blind"." "That's what he was screaming, Ian." ""I'm blind"." "Yeah, I..." "I don't recall that." "Ian." "It's common for there to be discrepancies at this stage." "Inevitable." "Even the Gospels couldn't agree." "Why?" "Why would you do that?" "You shouldn't be here, Drew." "We can't talk about things." "Oh, oh?" "We can't?" "But you can talk to Dawn, that's fine." "I didn't." "Oh, come on, Ian!" "I didn't." "I wouldn't." "So what, then?" "OK." "Text, e-mail, what?" "Not one word." "So what, then?" "What changed?" "Nothing." "Well, what?" "She leant on you." "Or someone did, mate." "Yeah." "Yeah, you're right." "Well, who?" "You, Drew." "You're the only one." "Ringing me up in the middle of the night." "Putting pressure on." "Well, it didn't work." "I don't want to end a good copper's career." "Well, neither do I, mate!" "Well, what, then?" "What do you want?" "I want to tell the truth." "That's what I want to do." "That's it." "Good for you." "There was a knife." "Some head-the-ball." "It kicked off." "Shit happened." "There was only one person to blame, and it wasn't one of ours... but if you think different, you go for it, pal." "You tell your truth, and I'll tell mine." "What can I do for you?" "I'd like to bury my son." "Yes, I can't begin to imagine how painful this is for you." "Thank you." "The Coroner's Office explained about the toxicology reports?" "Three to four weeks, usually..." "Tests will be on samples you've already taken from Vernon." "Yes." "So you no longer need the body." "Why can't we bury him?" "Toxicology reports can be challenged." "If that happens, the Coroner will need to go back for further samples." "Can I see him?" "Only through glass, I'm afraid." "How's the investigation going?" "Well, I believe." "Are they all in agreement?" "I don't know." "I'm not over the detail." "White officer kills black boy on your watch, and you're not over the detail?" "That's correct." "Would you like to see him, Helen?" "When I can hold him, that's when I'll see him." "Even by Perth standards it was hot." "40, 41 degrees, something like that." "Hello, Roz." "Hello, Michael." "What are you doing here?" "I was just saying to..." "Pauline." "I was just saying to Pauline that I'm not going to need this stuff any more." "Oh, why?" "Um, I'm emigrating." "I told you." "Ah, I was hoping you'd changed your mind." "I'm afraid not, no." "Where?" "Perth." "Western Australia." "It's hotter than hell, so..." "Oh!" "It's nice, isn't it?" "Beautiful." "When are you going?" "Erm, quite soon." "How soon is quite soon?" "A few days." "These will fly off." "To think of others at a time like this, yeah you're a truly remarkable woman, Roz." "I know what it's like to be skint." "Bye, Pauline." "Bye." "Thank you so much." "Hey, could I talk to you before you..." "before you go?" "I've got a lot to do." "A lot to sort out, Michael." "Well, could you phone me, please?" "Yeah." "Promise." "I promise." "Bye, Michael." "Bye." "We're going to say... we're going to say what we always say before bed." "Is that what we are going to do?" "How does it go?" "God bless all those that I love, and God bless all those that love me." "God bless all those that love those that I love, and all those that love those that love me." "All right, Joe?" "Pint, mate?" "Yeah, go on, then." "Be an hour, something like that." "Fine." "You all right?" "Yeah, fine." "See ya." "See ya." "See ya later." "Sorry, Denis." "Didn't know you were in here." "It's OK." "I'm leaving anyway." "Just a tiny word." "You can't say anyth..." "It's all right." "It's nothing to do with the facts of the case." "It's just a tiny, tiny observation." "I can take the Great British Public jumping to conclusions cos that's what the Great British Public does... but my own mate?" "You checked your watch, you prick." "You shot an 18-year-old boy and you checked your watch." "Prick." "It's called training, you prick." "Two lagers." "Oi!" "Two lagers please, bollocks!" "Ian's done me in." "I thought it was two against one, and it is... but the one's me." "If I'd known I were going to be on my own, mate..." "What?" "I'm not a hero, Joe." "Don't be soft." "I like drinking in here." "There are other pubs." "Yeah, and we've nicked someone in every one of them." "I wanted to do the right thing, mate, but I didn't want to do it alone." "Well, then..." "I've given my initial account now, though, haven't I?" "So?" "So, if everything I write today contradicts everything" "I wrote down yesterday, everyone'll know." "Know what?" "That I'm a liar." "That I've folded." "Look." "Forget about everybody else." "This is about you and Caroline." "You do what is best for you and Caroline." "'It's Helen Oyenusi here, Father." "'You're probably fast asleep, so never mind..." "'It's just that Vernon wanted a word." "'Didn't you, Vernon?" "'If you play this in the morning, maybe you could phone him, Father." "'You know what he's like." "'Doesn't believe a word his mother tells him, 'but everything you say is gospel.'" "So you phoned the Crisis Centre?" "I phoned Michael first." "Vernon always listens" "always listened to Father Michael." "He trusted him when he didn't trust anyone else." "Even me." "Even you?" "And what did you say to him?" "I missed the call." "Missed the call." "I was in bed." "That's a pity." "I left a message, and then phoned the Crisis Team." "I've told you all this before." "I know, and I'm sorry." "We're totally committed to doing things properly... with the thoroughness that you deserve." "Thank you." "It must've been hard for you over the years, Helen." "Yes." "Having a son so paranoid that he didn't even trust YOU, his own mother." "He was never so paranoid that he would hurt anyone." "He was always just a danger to himself." "Isn't that right, Helen?" "Yes." "Of course." "Are you a policeman?" "I mean, I know you're investigating the police, aren't you?" "But..." "Are..." "Are you a policeman, too?" "No." "The IPCC is completely independent of the Force." "Right." "Where are you based?" "Sorry?" "At the moment." "Do you have an office?" "Yes." "Where is it?" "At the station." "What, the... police station?" "The one where everyone else involved works?" "No-one involved is working there at the moment." "This has been a very traumatic time for everyone." "Were you ever a policeman?" "A long time ago." "You'll be on a police pension, then?" "Is that relevant?" "Happy birthday to you" "Happy birthday, dear Evie" "Happy birthday to you." "Sir?" "Now?" "Hooray!" "Hooray!" "Hip-hip!" "Hooray!" "Sir." "It won't keep, I'm afraid." "Sir?" "You're a good copper, Andrew." "That's why I wanted to come round myself." "So..." "There are one or two issues..." "I'm absolutely sure we can sort them out between us." "Sir?" "On the night of the incident, you didn't sign out your CS spray." "What?" "Well, it's a simple mistake, I know." "Well, I..." "I did." "I'm..." "I'm sure I did." "Oh, well you didn't." "Well..." "It won't happen again, sir." "Oh, I know that." "I know that, but it is a disciplinary matter ... it's a misconduct offence under discipline regs..." "I wish it wasn't, but it is serious." "A Section 5 firearm..." "So, what's going to happen?" "Well, we're within our rights to give you a formal warning." "A written warning... and I'm sorry, but it would go on your record." "But I've never actually used my CS spray." "You do know that, don't you?" "I've never used it, not once." "Oh, I'm not happy about this." "For this to go on your record would be harsh but there's another matter, I'm afraid." "Sir?" "You remember when all this started, we told you not to discuss it with other officers?" "Yes, sir." "You discussed this with Dawn Morris." "Well, she discussed it with me." "She..." "She approached me." "That's not what she says." "Well, she's lying." "You also spoke to Ian Wakefield late at night." "Yes, I did, but only to tell him not to talk to Dawn." "Again, not what he says." "Now, those two offences on their own are serious, Andrew, but there's another matter, and it's damning." "Sir?" "Why did you force that door?" "To stop Dawn spraying him, sir." "She says if you hadn't forced that door, the situation would've been contained within the house." "Had she KNOWN you were going to force that door, she would never have used her CS spray." "She blames you, I'm afraid." "Ian Wakefield backs that up." "Now, I'm telling you all of this so you've got the chance to address this in your final, definitive statement." "Don't worry if this final statement differs from your earlier statements." "It happens." "No-one's sees those earlier statements anyway, just your final... definitive one." "So, no-one's going to think you've folded or bottled it or whatever." "Well, I can see you've got a houseful, so, er..." "I'll see myself out." "Have you been speaking to Joe Mason, sir?" "No." "Bye." "What did he want?" "She's shattered." "I thought we should go out together." "The four of us." "Your mum says she'll babysit." "Not tonight." "Thanks, cheers." "Drew..." "Caroline, there's, erm, things you don't know." "She knows." "I've told them both." "You told them what?" "Well, the situation you're in." "I'm so proud of you for the way you've stuck to your principles," "Drew, but nobody expects you to sacrifice your job." "How are we going to pay for the mortgage?" "I mean, yeah, do the right thing, but..." "I don't know, maybe the right..." ""Tell the truth," you said, "simple as that"." "What were all that about "a mother's lost her son"?" "You were the one that were backing me..." "I didn't know what was going on back then." ".. telling me what to do." "What sort of moral stand is it that'd make Evie homeless?" "Haven't we got a duty to her?" "To put a roof over her head?" "You can't change an entire culture on your own, Drew." "Well, you don't have to worry about that," "I wouldn't be on my own." "Would I, Joe?" "Well, I'll back you up, mate... but there's only so far I can go." "You know that." "Have you seen him this week?" "Who?" "McDonald." "Have you talked to him this week?" "Mate, look..." "We want to take you out." "Has he asked you to do that?" "Did he tell you to take me for that pint?" "Answer me." "Go on, Joe, I dare you." "Answer me." "What's the problem, mate?" "Well, the problem is... that I can't believe you'd think..." "You're a lying bastard!" "He just said no-one would see my early statements, then he said no-one would know I folded." "That's the word I used to you, you prick, do you think I'm fucking stupid?" "Folded!" "You went straight back to him, didn't you, and told him?" "Told him I were teetering on the brink..." "Drew." "Only needed a little prod, a little threat here, a little threat there." "Drew!" "They're playing you, you dickhead." "Can't you see that?" "They're not here to support you, mate." "They're here to crush you." "Come on!" "Look, you've thought about it, you've weighed things up, you've shown what a real good man you are." "Now just strap on a pair and play for the team, you selfish prick!" "What about you, Mum?" "You're quiet." "This what you think?" "Fuck the police." "And him." "And his wife." "And if yours agrees, fuck her, too." "If it costs you your job, good." "You should never have joined in the first place." "Oh, so now we hear it!" "Now we do." "So, who is going to pay for the mortgage, then, Barb?" "You?" "I don't think so, seeing as you're round here every day leeching off us." "Not leeching, looking after that child of yours cos you've always got something better to do." "It's called work!" "You spent years moaning on about how much you wanted a kid." "The minute one arrives, you can't wait to get rid..." "Cos I've been trying to earn a living." "Something you wouldn't understand." "Oh, come on!" "'Put the knife down, open the door for me.'" "'Blinded." "Killed him.'" "'Nice and calm, we'll talk things through, yeah?" "'" "'We are involved, as a matter of course, 'in any police incident resulting in serious or fatal injuries...'" "'Did you talk to him, mate?" "'" "'Put the knife down, please.'" "'Get out." "Get out now.'" "'If you don't put the knife down, then I'll have to spray you.'" "'It's absolutely essential that you tell the truth.'" "Er, thanks for seeing me, sir." "No problem." "Sit down." "Look, sir, th-this whole thing, you know," "I've been thinking about this, sir, and, erm," "I've been asking myself, you know, how many people can relate to where I am at the moment?" "How many people can say that they were... they, they knew someone who had been shot dead?" "It's got to be down to 0.000001% of the population, hasn't it?" "It can't be very many people... and then I asked myself how many people can say that they were THERE when that person they knew were shot dead, and..." "It's got to be even fewer." "And I have to say it to you, sir, it is just..." "It's mind-blowing!" "It's mind-blowing." "I have really, really, really struggled with it, and, you know, it's just been churning up in my mind... and I think it was the fact that I knew the boy, you know," "and I think it was the fact that I was traumatised." "It really hit me hard, and when all of that comes crashing down on you, and it all just clouds your judgment..." "You know?" "And, erm, and looking back on it now, you know, I can see it's obvious." "It's clear as day what happened that night." "You know, no-one did anything wrong, that boy WAS a threat, and Dawn had no option, she had to use her CS spray, she had to." "Thank you." "You'll sign a statement to that effect?" "Yes, sir." "Hello, Andrew." "Father Michael's not in." "I'm so sorry, Helen..." "I know about what happened to Vernon." "I know." "I really am sorry." "I know." "I want to thank you for all you did, Andrew." "I know you did everything possible to protect him, and I am so grateful for that." "And I thank you." "I was the black mother of a black teenager, Andrew, and I'm sorry to say I have learned not to trust our police" "but I want you to know that for you, personally, we had nothing but respect." "No, you're welcome." "Thank you." "You've come to see Michael?" "Yeah." "He's in the church." "Would you like to come in and wait, or...?" "No, no, it's fine." "I'll go find him." "B-Bye, Helen." "Bye, Andrew." "Just knocked at yours." "Why did Helen answer?" "She's doing us a curry." "How is she?" "She's heartbroken." "Obviously." "Obviously." "It's so funny, I was thinking about it the other day..." "We get people in all the time." "We drag them in, and the last thing they ever want to do is confess... but with you, it's the first." "And I always wonder, why is that?" "Why do you think that is?" "Why is that?" "Why is that, Michael?" "!" "I can tell you, it's the penance, it's the penance, it's the penalty they've got to pay." "You see, confess to us and it's five years inside, but confess to you" "and it's, what?" "Three Hail Marys and an Our Father?" "See, ours is the real world, we deal with real people, proper problems." "Yours is..." "Well, it's God knows what." "Yeah?" "Yeah, I'm listening." "How many for rape?" "We'd give five to ten years." "How many Hail Marys and Our Fathers do you have to make them say for rape?" "Have you come here to pick a fight?" "To say in anger what you can't say coolly and calmly, eh?" "Every time I close my eyes, I'm there." "I can't get it out of my head." "I'm in that street and I just hear this voice, and it's screaming, "I'm blind!"" "And then I hear shots." "And then a body falls, and it hits the deck, and it's sort of dead, but not quite." "Just twitching." "Laying there and it's twitching." "And when I get to it it ain't Vernon at all." "It's Evie." "My little girl." "I can't tell the truth any more." "I don't have it in me." "So I'm going to write a statement, and it's going to be full of lies" "and I might actually get some sleep, cos as much as I've lost and as much as these last few days have cost me" "there's still nothing I can't get back." "Not yet." "I'm a coward." "Oh, God!" "God..." "I'm a coward." "But I'm a coward with a conscience." "That's the worst, shittiest part of it." "I haven't got the courage to be good." "I just don't." "And I'm not sure I can live with being really, properly bad, but I'm going to..." "I'm going to try..." "I'm going to try it." "I'm going to have to try." "So I'm going to lie through my teeth." "I'm going to lie with all the others." "Oh, for some peace of mind, eh?" "But if you lie will you ever know peace of mind again?" "Maybe I won't." "But my daughter'll have a roof over her head." "Unless you know what that feels like, or you've seen it..." "You know, a guilty conscience is a small price to pay for it." "I'm sorry, Michael." "For on the night he was betrayed" "He Himself took bread, and giving You thanks, He said the blessing, broke the bread and gave it to His disciples saying," ""Take this, all of you, and eat of it," ""for this is my body which will be given up for you." "In a similar way, when supper was over," "He took the chalice and, giving You thanks, said the blessing..." "It is essential to dry between your toes." "And gave the chalice to His disciples saying," ""Take this, all of you, and drink from it..."" "Any moisture left there causes infection." "for this is the chalice of my blood..."" "Athlete's foot, especially." "If you've ever had athlete's foot, you'll know..." "".. the blood of the new and eternal covenant..."" "It's a lot easier to catch it than it is to get rid of it." "".. which will be poured out for you..." "".. for you and for many, for the forgiveness of sins." ""Do this... in memory of me."" "The body of Christ." "The body of Christ." "Amen." "The body of Christ." "The body of Christ." "Amen." "The body of Christ." "The body of Christ." "Amen." "The body of Christ." "The body of Christ." "The body of Christ." "Amen." "The body of Christ." "The body of Christ." "Amen." "The body of Christ." "Amen." "'It's Helen Oyenusi here, Father." "'You're probably fast asleep, so never mind." "'It's just that Vernon wanted a word." "Didn't you, Vernon?" "'If you play this in the morning, maybe you could phone him, Father." "'You know what he's like." "'Doesn't believe a word his mother tells him, 'but everything you say is gospel." "'No pun intended, Father.'" "Andrew." "Hello, Father." "Er, do you want to come in?" "What is it?" "Why did you give me communion, Father?" "Why did you come up for it?" "Because I've never needed it so much in my life." "That's why I gave you it." "Amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amant." "Mensa, mensa, mensam." "Mensae, mensae, mensa." "In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti." "Amen." "Father Matthew?" "Yes?" "Could I talk to you, please?" "Yes." "Could I talk to you indoors, please?" "What about?" "I-I-I went to Blessed Mary." "You taught me there." "I'd have come years ago, only I assumed you were dead." "I remember you as an old man, you see." "Even then." "You were a child." "Everyone's old to a child." "Can we go inside and ta...?" "No!" "I've got ice cream here." "Needs to be in the freezer, so we've not much time, I'm afraid." "All right." "I'm Michael Kerrigan." "Yes?" "You don't remember me?" "You taught me English." "I taught lots of boys English." "But you didn't abuse them all, did you?" "Only five or six per class, I think." "Are you hiding a microphone?" "No." "I want you to swear by Almighty God that you are not recording this conversation." "I swear by Almighty God that I am not recording this conversation." "Having sworn such an oath, any recording will be inadmissible in court." "You understand that?" "I'm not the first, then, obviously." "No, no." "How many before me?" "One or two." "I'm a priest." "I couldn't have been such a bad example, then, could I?" "Some police officers in my parish have..." "They've killed a young man." "They're all colluding and protecting the officers responsible, and it's" "infuriating me." "But what right have I to be so appalled over that when you abused boys for years, and every priest in the school knew about it, and not one of them said a word?" "A rhetorical question, I assume." "Catholic priests!" "Their duty to follow the Path of Christ, watching you doing that and saying nothing?" "How dare I criticise a few hairy arsed coppers, then?" "!" "What am I supposed to have done to you?" "You used to put your hand on my thigh and move it up to my genitals." "You call that abuse?" "Yes." "You liked it." "I do not know of one single boy who did not like it." "You believe that?" "Yes." "It gave me an erection." "There you go." "It made me think I was gay." "Sheffield, 1970s, I was suicidal." "I'm sorry." "Do you mean that?" "I'd love you to mean that." "I'd love... to be able to forgive you, you see, and dump all this..." "Do you mean it?" "No." "The body's insignificant, Michael." "Whatever it does is insignificant." "It's the soul within that counts." "Bye, Michael." "I'm going to pray for you." "I'll phone the police." "No, I'm going to pray that you realise the enormity of what you've done." "I'm going to pray that you realise the enormity of what you did and the lives you damaged." "I'm going to pray that you suffer from it, and, through suffering, you atone for it... and I'll pray by doing so you'll suffer long enough and hard enough for God to show you mercy, you old bastard!" "Tell me what it's like" "In heaven" "I hope it's kinder than it is down here" "With all the trials and tribulations" "All the worry and living in fear" "Hallelujah" "We might be bruised But we're not broken."