"All right, prisoners of war, an important announcement." "The monotony of life in a prisoner-of-war camp must, from time to time, be broken by a change of routine and a change of scene." "Therefore, in order to provide the welcome respite so necessary to the maintenance of physical and mental powers," "I have decided to take a week's leave in Paris." "Oh, well, that's charming, sir." "We..." "KLINK:" "Silence!" "Colonel Hogan, discipline will be strictly enforced during my absence by Captain Gruber." "You will send us postcards, sir?" "Art shots of the Eiffel Tower, things like that?" "I suspect that I shall be much too busy." "Could I give you a phone number, Commandant?" "Ja?" "It's my mother, and if you tell her that..." "Forget it." "However," "I am not a man who samples selfishly the pagan delights of Paris without providing for all of you left back here in Stalag 13." "I have a little surprise for you." "You're bringing back perfume." "No." "I'm allowing you to choose from among the guards, the most cruel, the most hated, the most sadistic, and I shall remove him from your presence." "Otherwise, I could not enjoy my leave." "May I poll my men, sir?" "Liberty Hall." "Is he on the level?" "He wouldn't know how." "Ballots in?" "Excellent choice." "Horrible man." "Monster." "It's unanimous, sir." "The beast of Stalag 13:" "Sergeant Schultz." "Schultz?" "Colonel Hogan," "I've always been on the most friendly terms with all of them." "Not too friendly, Herr Kommandant, but very correct." "More like a kind uncle." "Not too kind, Herr Kommandant, but very stern." "Enough, Schultz." "As a result of my promise to the prisoners," "I'm assigning you to accompany me to Paris as my personal chauffeur." "Herr Kommandant." "Paris!" "You're toying with us, sir." "Is there no compassion in your soul?" "In the soul of the German warrior, Colonel Hogan, there is only duty." "Dismissed." "( humming cancan music )" "Oh, boy, Paris." "( humming cancan music )" "Oh, Paris, Paris." "Hope he comes back with a good case of measles." "We've got a tip the Krauts are building some underground secret fighter bases near here." "Tiger's coming in to help us check it out." "She's going to take a map back to our bombers." "This is going to be a tough assignment." "LeBEAU:" "Eh..." "And with Klink going to Paris..." "It'll be twice as tough." "( mimicking Bogart ):" "Therefore, Colonel Hogan, we can't, uh, possibly risk you going outside." "I hereby volunteer to accompany Tiger." "I'll file your application." "Hey, here they come." "She's not with me." "What happened?" "Where is she?" "What do you mean she's not with you?" "Bouchet, he'll tell you." "Come on, give me a hand." "She was betrayed to the Gestapo." "When?" "Yesterday." "Is she alive?" "She's alive but better off dead." "They flew her to Paris for intensive interrogation." "Your people in Paris, can they get her out?" "From Gestapo headquarters?" "That would take an army." "She knows everything about the underground." "And Stalag 13." "She will hold out, Colonel." "Oh, sure, but nobody holds out forever, not if they live." "What do we do, Colonel?" "Newkirk." "Sir." "Print up some French money." "Right, Colonel." "Bouchet," "I want you to tell me everything you know about the Paris Gestapo." "With pleasure." "LeBeau." "Oui?" "Get packed." "You and I are going to Paris." "Colonel... how do we get there?" "Easy." "Klink will be glad to give us a ride." "Hurry up, Schultz." "I want to get an early start." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "These, too?" "Yes, of course, Schultz." "I told you so." "I want many changes of uniform in Paris." "For a busy social schedule." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Also, it wouldn't hurt to put a little something overhead, just in case of strafing." "Oh, could we not put a red cross on top?" "( groans )" "Get on with it, Schultz, please." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "( both humming cancan tune )" "( humming continues )" "Hi, Schultz." "Colonel Hogan!" "LeBeau!" "Bonjour, Schultzie." "Colonel Hogan, what are you doing here?" "You're both out of uniform." "You like them?" "I hope it doesn't rain on the trip." "Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What trip?" "You are joking." "( yells )" "Careful, Schultz." "We can't afford to lose our driver." "Colonel Hogan, this I will have to report." "You cannot use this car for an escape attempt." "What escape?" "We're coming back with you after our leave." "And there's enough room up here after we throw out a few bags." "Throw out?" "!" "What's he need all this stuff for?" "The guy's dreaming." "Oh, please, Colonel Hogan, this I will have to report." "I wouldn't if I were you." "Not when it comes out you got us these suits." "I didn't get you any suits." "I know nothing about suits!" "Where else could we get them but from a crooked guard?" "How do I know?" "You're the crookedest guard around, Schultz, let's face it." "Colonel Hogan, please." "It would be worth my life." "Either way, you're in a spot." "Now have you got a tarp to cover us?" "Yes, but... but..." "And don't drive over 40." "Best not to hurry and get there safely." "B-B-B-But..." "We'll have lunch when Klink stops, a little chicken and some wine." "Yes, b-b-b-but..." "A Pouilly-Fuisse '41, I think." "It's not a daring wine, but a safe wine." "KLINK:" "Schultz!" "( stammering yell )" "Come on, Schultz." "I'm ready to go." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "The door, please." "Oh, ja, ja..." "Off to Paris, Schultz." "To the wine, women, song." "Oh, boy." "( door closes )" "The bachelors officers' quarters, Herr Kommandant." "Ah, Schultz, there is music in the air." "Oh, you may take down the luggage while I, uh, check in." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "( Klink humming cancan music )" "Hi, Schultzy." "Very good driving, Schultz." "Our accommodations?" "No accommodations, Colonel Hogan, please, just disappear." "I don't think we should leave you alone, Schultz." "You ever been to Paris?" "No, why?" "Thieves for the black market." "Yeah, they could steal your staff car." "No, I will not leave it out of my sight." "What are you doing in there?" "You left the keys!" "Very bad practice." "But I'm standing right here." "That's right, you stand right here, Schultz." "And if something should happen to the car, tell Klink the Gestapo commandeered it." "The Gestapo commandeered it." "Please, Colonel Hogan, I'm only a guard, if you want to escape, please escape." "But I have nothing to do with it." "Just escape!" "Can I help you with the bags?" "No, thank you." "I can do it myself." "Please!" "( engine turns )" "Colonel Hogan!" "Bringing the bags, Schultz?" "B-b-bags?" "B-beg to report, Herr Kommandant." "Report what?" "Why are you saluting all the time?" "What is wrong with you, Schultz?" "The staff car." "What about the staff car?" "Where's the staff car?" "Herr Kommandant, would you believe the Gestapo commandeered it?" "Oh, no." "With all my luggage?" "Nonsense." "Now the Gestapo would never..." "The Gestapo?" "They must have had a very good reason." "( knocking )" "( knocking )" "You will consider yourself under arrest." "Champagne?" "I will question you here." "If your answers are not satisfactory, you will be taken to where the atmosphere is more conducive to getting at the truth." "That sounds fair." "I am not concerned with being fair." "Mueller." "Sontag." "Are you sure you won't have some champagne?" "The new science of the Third Reich has demonstrated that champagne shrivels the Achilles' tendon." "Really?" "A French foot soldier was only able to march seven-tenths of a mile before collapsing." "Poor devils." "I think it is affecting your brain." "You are obviously an American, and yet you openly rent a large suite in the best hotel in Paris in the middle of a war, almost inviting a call from the Gestapo." "You were very prompt." "My congratulations." "You wanted a call from the Gestapo?" "Colonel Backscheider..." "And you are Colonel Backsheider?" "I felt it's time we met." "Ah, so." "Why?" "My name is Durkin, Colonel." "Frank Durkin." "American Air Force." "A sergeant." "I didn't care much for the pay, so when I escaped from Stalag 13 last year," "I came to Paris, worked my way up." "Black market?" "If you are in the black market, we would have a record of you." "I kept undercover, and as much as I didn't have great confidence in your predecessor who was recently shot, I believe." "For stealing." "From the wrong people." "Herr Colonel." "I found this, Herr Colonel." "Hmm." "That's quite a sum of money." "I know where they print it." "It is genuine." "If you have lied to me," "I have every legal right to shoot you, now." "If you have told me the truth," "I have every legal right to shoot you now." "But you won't." "At least not now." "Why not?" "Mueller." "Sontag." "HOGAN:" "Sit down." "Colonel Backscheider... you have a great deal of influence and authority here in Paris." "I have a great many contacts." "Between us we could make this pile grow... and grow and grow." "I have a feeling that sooner or later" "I shall have to shoot you." "But in the meantime... talk." "You see, the black market exists." "And everything that exists can be put to use... even you." "Thank you." "Do we have a deal?" "No." "First, I shall check and recheck your background." "You mean you don't trust me?" "I trust no one." "Especially you." "Mueller," "Sontag!" "Jawohl, Colonel?" "Your story will be easy to verify... or destroy." "The Kommandant of Stalag 13 is in Paris... on leave." "You certainly do keep tabs on everybody." "Naturally." "He called at my office blathering something about us having his staff car?" "Shall I call him, Herr Colonel?" "Yes." "And Sontag, there is another phone." "You know what to do." "Oh, Herr Kommandant," "Colonel Backscheider from the Gestapo." "Ah, about my car." "Colonel Backscheider, how very nice of you to call." "Now, I don't want to press you about my car, Colonel Backscheider, because as long as you need it, you certainly..." "You don't have my car?" "You're not even calling about my car?" "Stolen?" "!" "Colonel Backscheider, I am listening, but, but..." "A Sergeant Frank Durkin?" "Colonel Backscheider, I am very proud to announce that we have never had an escape from Stalag 13." "There has never been an escape from Stalag 13." "Remarkable record." "Now, Colonel Klink..." "Colonel." "...one of my men has been talking directly to your office at Stalag 13." "Shall I read you a quote from your files?" ""Sergeant Frank Durkin, American Air Force, escaped" "December 15, 1942 and still at large."" "You should become acquainted with your own records, Herr Klink." "How would I know where to look for your car?" "!" "You should not have lost it!" "Dummkopf!" "Halt!" "Who is it?" "It's all right." "It's one of my men." "I'm expecting him." "Right on time." "I could come back." "BACKSCHEIDER:" "Bring him here." "Marcel Chalet, Colonel." "He phoned to say he had picked up something for me on the free market." "What is it?" "It's just a trifle embarrassing." "A car?" "A German staff car." "Klink's staff car." "You have quite an organization, Durkin." "Thank you, but I really don't need this." "Why don't you take it?" "Give it to a friend." "Maybe you can just keep it for going to the supermarket." "Well..." "I-I-I may have a..." "a friend." "She'll love it." "Durkin." "Tell me." "You were born in..." "December." "Am I right?" "Right." "How did you know?" "Well, you have certain traits." "I have made a modest science in the study of these things." "If I may say so-- and no offense-- to find a man of science in your post is, well, rather surprising." "You may say so." "And sometime, Durkin, if we become better acquainted," "I may even program the bumps on your head." "Certainly be looking forward to that, sir." "Mueller, Sontag." "Oh, uh, by the way, Colonel." "Yes?" "There's a girl that does jobs for me from time to time" " Tiger." "Yes, what about her?" "What?" "!" "Oh, nothing." "I just heard that you had her in for questioning." "You what?" "Well, I thought she might talk to me more readily than she would to you." "She will talk to me readily." "However, you may speak with her if you wish." "Alone might be better." "Alone... because I trust you... completely." "I can hear nothing." "Okay, we can talk." "There is nothing to talk about." "Shoot me, strangle me." "Sooner or later they make me tell them everything." "Nothing." "Well, we-we tested it only yesterday, Herr Colonel." "Bungler." "Tiger, we're going to get you out of here." "No one ever gets out of here." "You have a plan?" "No." "Give me a gun." "Let me shoot myself." "No gun." "Now, look, tell me everything you know about Backscheider." "He's the key." "They're Nazi." "A genius at the art of death, an idiot at living." "What about the astrology bit?" "The metaphysical stuff?" "Is he a bug on it?" "They all are because the Fuhrer is." "Anyone he goes to, someone we can use to get to him?" "I don't know." "He's new in Paris." "( door opens )" "Perhaps." "I-I can't think." "Take your time." "There was a woman." "I believe there was a woman... in a White Russian cafe." "East Bank." "( door shuts )" "All right, I'll take it from there." "Here they come." "Well?" "We're making progress." "Progress, eh?" "Progress." "We know why you were in Germany." "You will tell us all the others involved." "You will tell us the names of all your friends in Paris." "She'll talk to me... as soon as she's recovered from your questioning in a couple days." "I will give her until tomorrow." "You know, I like you." "What month were you born in?" "A very strong line of romance." "Very strong." "A-ha." "You have been bad, very bad." "Marry me, and I shall reform, I swear." "Look, get married on your time, not mine." "Are we going to talk business or not?" "Unfortunate choice of friends." "Yes or no?" "My chart said to be very careful of business transactions today." "Buy a little silverware, plant some petunias." "Meet someone short." "All right, all right." "Do a little business." "Look, let's not dance around." "We don't have time." "We know you've got something going with Backscheider." "I don't care what." "But he's holding a woman who works for me, and I want her sprung." "Tiger?" "How'd you know?" "From the amount of money, she's a very big fish." "My colonel has told me why she's in Germany... to find the new German fighter bases." "I don't care about that." "I'm in the black market and I need her." "Not very convincing." "May I read your truth line?" "I tell you I'm an American deserter." "I hope you lie better to men." "Look, you want something, I shall name a price." "Name it." "When you find it where the fighter bases are, you'll also give me the information." "Aren't you afraid I'm going to denounce you to Backscheider?" "He would not believe you." "He knows my character from the bumps on my head." "I don't get it." "Why do you want the information when we may be more or less on the same side?" "More on the same side so we can work together at times." "Just enough less so that I would like the information." "I trust her." "I shall marry you sometime." "All right, it's crazy, but it's a deal." "When will you see Backscheider?" "In about a minute." "He's always very prompt." "I mean, it doesn't make up for everything else, but it is something." "All right, we'll duck out and come back later." "I adore you." "I cannot resist short men." "Mm." "KLINK:" "What a holiday!" "A week to spend in romantic Paris, and I have to go out with you." "If the Kommandant had a change of uniform..." "Don't remind me of my staff car." "What happened to my staff car?" "Oh!" "A thousand pardons." "I've always been..." "Forget it." "Hogan, LeBeau!" "Schultz, you must stop them at once!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" "Schultz?" "Schultz?" "Schultz!" "Backscheider?" "What is all the shouting about, Klink?" "Colonel Backscheider," "I just saw two of my prisoners from Stalag 13." "I thought no one ever escaped from Stalag 13." "Of course not, of course not, Colonel Backscheider." "Never." "Schultz, Schultz, did I see them?" "Did I see them?" "No, no, no, no." "He saw nothing, and I-I saw nothing!" "Oh, boy." "Everything is taken care of, right?" "Oh, sure." "If we can trust your friend and she can figure how to spring Tiger and Backscheider doesn't catch on to us, and if we can find the secret fighter bases, and Klink doesn't catch up with us," "everything's taken care of." "Did you notice her eyes?" "I should have brought Carter." "KINCHLOE:" "Newkirk, Klink's on the phone from Paris." "I got him on here." "Bypassed his office." "( German accent ):" "Captain Huber here." "Jawohl, Kommandant Klink." "How are you enjoying your stay in Paris?" "You thought you saw Colonel Hogan?" "Impossible, Herr Kommandant." "He is right here in the outside office." "You want to talk with him?" "Yes, Herr Kommandant," "I'll have him brought to the phone." "Get Colonel Hogan in Paris fast." "Suppose he's not in?" "He ruddy well better be in." "Okay, I get the picture, Kinch." "Connect us." "Hello, Colonel Hogan?" "Are you there?" "You are?" "Of course, where else would you be?" "He's there." "That's very nice, Herr Kommandant." "Well, I just want to keep tabs on all my prisoners." "Your efficiency is really frightening, Commandant." "Having a good time in Paris?" "Staff car running well?" "Yeah, it's fine." "Just fine." "He knew." "Somehow he knew." ""(End of Episode)""