"Subs created by:" "David Coleman." "All right, now, let me just get my jump rope ready." "You sure you want us to hit tennis balls at you?" "Oh yeah." "Why?" "Because if I'm really good at jumping rope while you're hitting me with tennis balls." "Imagine how great I'll be when you're not." "You guys are weird babysitters." "Wait'll you see what we feed you." "All right." "Cinderella dressed in... ow!" "Yellow... ow!" "Went... ow!" "Upstairs... ow!" "To meet... ow!" "Ow!" "Hey, bad idea!" "Bad idea!" "It was a bad idea!" " Ding dong." " You'll get it." "I'll get it." "Whew!" "A man!" "My name is Martin Malloy." " Ooh!" " I'm a lawyer." "A lawyer?" "Is this about my Mom?" "Is she in jail?" "Did she go to church naked again?" " I don't know your Mother." " Ugh, must be nice." "Why don't you come in, Mr. Marty Malloy?" "Thank you." "What's this about?" "Do you two run a business called..." "Sam and Cat's super rockin' fun-time Babysitting Service?" "Why?" "Take these papers." "Ooh, stapled." " That's a cease and desist order." " Hey!" "Talk English, man." "Fine, I'll be more clear." "Change the name of your Babysitting Service." "You're not allowed to use the names Sam and Cat." " What?" " But those are our names." "It's also the name of a popular kids' TV show from the 1970s." "What TV show?" "Salmon Cat." " Salmon Cat?" " Salmon Cat." "That's a puppet." "A puppet named Salmon Cat." "Look, he's half cat, half salmon." "That's a fish." "Oh." "Salmon Cat." "But we're Sam and Cat, not some weirdo mutant fish puppet." "Salmon Cat was a show for children." "You two run a Babysitting Service for children." "Salmon Cat." "Sam and Cat." "Obviously, that's confusing." "It is confusing." "You think toast is confusing." "No." "I used to think it was confusing, but then I read that book about toast and now I get it." "You girls must stop using Sam and Cat in the name of your Babysitting Service." "But it's already on our website and on our business cards." "I ordered T-shirts." "Cat!" "I got this." "Why is she holding a tennis racket?" "I think she's going to hit you with balls." "Wait, I am a lawyer and I..." "Ball in the hole!" "Oh!" "Mm!" "Mm!" "Now I want toast." "I'll get my book." "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." "Schlemeel!" "Schlemazel!" "Hasenfeffer Incorporated." "♪ I'm never that far." "♪ No matter where you are." "♪ Believe it, we can make it come true." "♪ We'll do it our way, no matter what they say." "♪ Because no one's gonna do it for you." "♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!" "♪ But I, I, I, I... ♪ I'll never say, never." "♪ As long as we keep it together." "♪ Oh!" "♪ If you're living a dream, and you know what it means." "♪ Then you can't let them change your mind." "♪ It's the life that we choose, and we still break the rules." "♪ But it's all gonna be just fine." "♪ Just fine." "♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine." "♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine." "♪ Oh." "Okay, wait a minute, you're saying a lawyer just showed up at your apartment yesterday?" "Yeah." "And he said we're not allowed to use the names," "Sam and Cat anymore for our Babysitting Service." "But why?" "Because there used to be some stupid puppet show on TV called Salmon Cat." "Say, who wants to hear about the time I was having a salmon dinner at Chasens?" " Nobody." " Not I." " Well!" " Hello." "Are you enjoying your foods?" " Mm, great." " Yes, thank you." "Except I didn't get my curly fries." "Oh no!" "I'm sorry, I forgot." "Oh, he forgot your fries?" "Like he forgot my birthday?" "Can we please not do this in front of the humans?" "Uh, are you two dating?" "No." "No." "No." "She's not my type." "I was your type at the Christmas party." "That was one time." "Hey, I think I found it!" " The Salmon Cat Puppet Show?" " Yeah." "I think." "Check it out." "Hey kids, it's time for the wet and wacky world of Salmon Cat." "Today's episode is about..." "Sharing." "Ugh, this is..." "Torture." "Shh, I like it." "Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow." "I got a whole bag of candy." "Oink, oink, oink." "Hi there, Salmon Cat." "Hi there, Octopiggy." " Can I have some candy?" " No." "But I was hoping you would share some of your candy with me." "Okay, I can't watch any more of this trash." "And that show has absolutely nothing to do with our Babysitting Service." "Yeah." "Those puppets live underwater." "And we always babysit above water." "Do you think we really have to change the name of our Babysitting Service?" "No." "I wouldn't worry about these dumb papers." "Lawyers are full of mumbo and jumbo." "You sure?" "No." "Oh, I have to get to the airport." " Oh, where ya going?" " Mexico!" "Mexico?" "Why?" "Well, let's just say it involves bikinis, finger painting, and hot peppers." "Guadalajara." "What could she be doing that involves bikinis, finger painting, and hot peppers?" "Oh my God!" "What'd she say?" "Nothing." "She stuck her tongue in my ear." "But I thought horses were only meant for riding." "Yeah, usually, but when my Mom gets super hungry, it's..." "Ewe." "Hey, what's up with the Po-Po?" "Hey!" "What's the situation?" "Who are you?" "Me?" "I'm Penelope..." "Mumbleson." " And I'm Cat Valentine." " Oh!" "Oh, hey, Deputy Hanson." " How are ya, Dice?" " What's up?" "You know this policeman?" "Yeah." "I got him tickets to Circus Olay." "I like acrobats." "So, what's with the yellow tape and the big lock?" "Well, I'm sorry, but some lawyer got a Judge to seize your apartment." " Humma?" " Yeah." "Says you girls are running a babysitting business from this address." "Blah, blah, blah." "And you've been ordered to cease and desist using the name Sam and Cat." "So, until the matter is settled, you are not allowed to enter your place of business." " But we live in there." " Sorry." "Talk to the Judge." "Or we'll just come back and break in after you leave." "I don't think so." "Because I'm gonna sit right there and guard this place all day and night." " Sam." " Okay." "What if I just break in anyway?" "Then I'll just have to use my tase..." "All right, who replaced my taser with this banana fruit?" " I don't play that." " Wasn't me." "Give me my taser." "Give me my banana." "Um..." "Hey, what time is it now?" " Uh, just after midnight." " Mm!" "What the..." "Hey, look, I found a new pair of underwear in the bushes." "Boys' or girls'?" " Boys'." " Gross." "Huh." "Ha!" "Ooh, ooh, ooh!" " What?" " Sylvia Burke and Janice Dobbins." " Who are they?" "People?" " Yeah." "They're the two ladies who created that stupid puppet show Salmon Cat." "And it looks like they still live here in Los Angeles." "Thank you, Internet, for destroying everybody's privacy." "Okay, okay, okay, this is great." "I know, what're we gonna do?" "Tomorrow, you are gonna go see Janice..." "And I am gonna go see Sylvia." "And we are gonna talk those bichons into giving us our name back!" "Yeah!" "What's going on?" "What happened?" " Sorry." " We were just..." "Under." "Under where?" " That's right." " Exactly." "Thank you so much for seeing me, Janice." "You're very welcome, dear." "Now, what brings you here?" "Oh, it was a bus." "No." "I mean, why did you call and ask to meet with me?" "Oh, right." "See, my friend and I have this business called" "Sam and Cat's super rockin' fun-time Babysitting Service." "Oh!" "How much fun is that?" " I know!" " Yeah!" "Except a Judge locked us out of our apartment." "Oh." "Because our business name sounds too much like your old TV show, Salmon Cat." "Do you know I collect sports balls?" "Say what?" "See, these walls are filled with sports balls from every sport in the world." "That uses a ball." "Hmm." "And every ball is autographed by a famous sports ball player." "Wow, can we talk about something else?" "I'll bet I have a ball for any sport you can name." "I don't wanna name a sport." " Name a sport." " Tennis." "Got it." " Golf?" " Ah." "Right here." "Hockey?" "Hockey is played with a puck, not a sports ball." "I'm sorry." "Now, ask me about softballs." "Um..." " Do you have any softballs?" " Nine." " One more and you'll have ten." " Ooh!" " Cookie ball?" " All right." "Ooh." "Mm." "Mm." "So then, I put the underwear right on top of the cop's head." " You're a funny kid." " Ah, I'm all right." "So, anyway, back to this whole Salmon Cat thing." "Oh, yeah what?" "That lawyer is really giving me and my friend a hard time." "Excuse me." "My neighbor's dog." "Pleasant, isn't it?" "If you don't shut that barking dog up, I'm gonna come up and rip your face off." "Would you like a soda?" "No, thank you." "So I was thinking, if you could just, like, sign a piece of paper." "All day long." "Okay." "If you don't shut that dog up, I'm gonna come up with a garden hose..." "And wrap it around your Mother's fat neck!" "How about some cheese and crackers?" "Now, this is a baseball." "Uh-huh." "You see, it's signed by the famous baseball player, Ty Cobb." "Oh wow, I love his corn." "Look, about your old TV puppet show, Salmon Cat." "I don't want to talk about Salmon Cat." "Salmon Cat is in my past." "My life now is about sports balls." "But I just need you to..." "And besides, I didn't create Salmon Cat by myself, you know." "I know." "You created it with another lady..." "Ah, ah, ah." "Don't." "Don't speak her name, not in front of my sports balls." "See, right now, my roommate is talking to your old partner, Janice Dobb..." "Don't say her name." "You don't have to say it out loud." " Why, you don't like her?" " I hate her!" "You know I haven't spoken to her in 30 years?" "So, all we need you guys to do is get together for, like, five minutes and agree to let us use our names." "Look, I'd like to help you out, I really would, but..." "That's my life." "If that dog barks one more time today, I'm gonna go up..." "Cracker stuck in throat!" "Cracker stuck in throat." "Let me..." "Very good." "You made it whimper." "So, why do you hate Sylvia so much?" "Because our puppet show, Salmon Cat, won a Pupper." "Wow." "I don't know what a Pupper is." "A Pupper is an award..." "For outstanding achievement in the field of children's television puppetry." "And people care about that?" "Oh, yes." "And it was a great moment." "We finally beat out those jerks over at Sesame Street." "Well, then what happened?" "Oh, I'll tell you what happened." "Uh-huh." "She decides that she wants to take it home to her house." "Ooh." "Ooh." "And then Sylvia says, it was my show as much as it was yours." "So I'm keeping the statue at my house." "Ugh, what a bichon." "And so then she grabs the statue, and I grab it back, and she grabs it back," "I grab it back, she grabs it back and breaks that statue in half." "Oh!" "So that's why you hate Sylvia." "I'd like to take this fist and jam it in the soft part of her neck." "Okay, thanks, Janice." "Bye, darling." "And that's why you hate Janice?" "Yeah, I'd like to take this microphone and stick it right up her big nose hole." " Okay, thanks for the cheese." " You're welcome anytime." "She ate a lot of cheese." " Hi." "So..." " Hey." "Hello, ask me about our new pork puffs!" "No." "Then I'll wait here until you're curious." "So, how do we get Sylvia and Janice to help us?" "I don't know." "All they wanna do is beat the fudge out of each other." "Ugh!" " Hey!" " Hi." "I want you to go get Janice and bring her to Punchy's gym at four o'clock." "Huh?" "Tell her that Sylvia wants to fight her." " Fight her?" " Mm hm." "And I'll go get Sylvia and tell her that Janice wants to fight her." "Can't we just change our names and move into a new apartment?" " Go get Janice and take her to Punchy's." " Ah!" "Did you sell them any pork puffs?" "No." "Good." "Now you know how it feels to be rejected." "I never loved you." "Oh, I'm pretty nervous about this." "Just trust me." "Last week I trusted you with my Nona's credit card, and when I wasn't looking, you bought ten pounds of crab legs." "Come on." "If someone cut off your legs, then cooked them in boiling water, wouldn't you want somebody to enjoy them with a little melted butter?" "Janice and Sylvia are too old to be fighting." "They're not really gonna fight." " But we told them they..." " That was just to get them to come here." "Huh?" "You watch." "As soon as they see each other, they're gonna remember how they used to be friends." "Oh, all right." "Where is that bichon?" "Let's do this thing." "Let's do this thing." "Okay." "You wanna do something?" "Let's do it." "Come on, let's do it." "I hear your daughter got re-married." "Yeah." "To a foot doctor." "A chiropodist." "Nice." "Remember that infected toe I had forever?" " Ooh." "Stinky toe." " Stinky toe." "He cured it." " No more stinky toe." " That's so nice." "Oh, they're being friendly." "Shh." "Try to shut up." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Oi." "Get off me!" "Get up!" "Don't most fights happen faster than this?" "Yeah." "This one's really slow." "Ah!" "I think I just heard her leg break." "Nah." "That was her hip." "Ha ha!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " Oh!" "Oh!" " When do you think this'll be over?" "I don't know." "They're pretty old." "Should we do something?" "I can order a pizza." "I shouldn't have trusted you." "Yeah, you made a mistake." "Sylvia." "Janice." "Burke." "Dobbins." "Okay." "Okay." "Take it." "Take it." "Take it." "Now you are free to use the name Sam and Cat for your Babysitting Service." " Thank you guys so much." " About time." "Oh, and wait, we got you a little something to thank you for being so nice to us." " Aw." " Sweet." "Uh, Cat went online to some auction site and she found..." "This toy from nineteen-seventy-four!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " Oh my..." " Salmon Cat." "I haven't seen one of them in 30 years." "I haven't held a Salmon Cat in years." "I am going to take you home and I am going to put you up on my..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Who says you get to take her home?" "I do get to take her home." "You got sports balls." "It doesn't match." "No." "I'm gonna take her home." "Give her to me." " Give her to me!" " Give her to me!" "Don't you hurt her." " Give it to me!" " Give it to me!" "No." "Ah, jeez." "There it goes." "When we grow up, you think we're gonna be like that?" "Salmon Cat!" "Salmon Cat!" "Yup." "Smell this soccer ball." "Oi." " Mmm." " Thank you." "Why don't we celebrate with a little cheese squirt here of..." "Cheesy Cheese?" " Sounds good." " Okay." " I like you, Sylvia." " Okay." "Thanks, I wish I cared."