"(barking orders)" "(motorcycle approaching)" "(horn honks)" "Here's the new inventory." "(horn honking)" "Right away." "What's that?" "It's Colonel Hall." "Good." "He's returned from Washington." "On the back of a motorcycle?" "The back of a motorcycle?" "Good morning, Colonel Hall." "Get me Sergeant Bilko." "Sir, wasn't your staff car waiting to pick you up?" "Get me Sergeant Bilko!" "Get Sergeant Bilko immediately!" "Sergeant Bilko, report to headquarters on the double." "On the double." "Sir, your coat's all splattered with mud." "Of course it's splattered with mud." "When you're riding on the back of a motorcycle, and-and your own staff car goes by you at 80 miles an hour piloted by Sergeant Bilko, with one arm around a big platinum blonde..." "Platinum blonde?" "That's all I saw." "Then the mud hit me." "John!" "Hello, Nell." "How was Washington, dear?" "I'll tell you about it later." "Uh, you'd better go." "I'm going to get very mad at somebody." "Now, John, Sergeant Bilko's been an angel since you've been away." "Obviously." "I see that the post is still here." "Oh, that... that's silly." "The minute I leave, I get the idea that he's gonna subdivide it and sell it as real estate." "John, you're always picking on Sergeant Bilko." "I know, and this time I've got him cold." "I've got him right where I..." "Oh." "Colonel Hall, welcome home, sir." "It's like a ray of sunshine having you back, sir." "Thank you, Bilko." "You should see the men on the street, their faces beaming, so glad that you're back, sir." "Thank you." "If you'll permit me, sir." "# Should old acquaintance be forgot and... #" "Quiet!" "Bilko, I am going to tell you that I will not stand for this anymore." "Well, sir, I haven't done anything too wrong, sir." "Now, John." "I beg your..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "We haven't met." "Colonel, you didn't tell me you were going to bring your beautiful niece back with you from Washington." "Now, Sergeant Bilko." "Oh, bless my soul, it's Mrs. Hall." "Here it comes." "Oh, my dear, if you keep getting any younger..." "(Bilko chuckles)" "Oh..." "Oh, that silly Army rule about not whistling at officers' wives." "We're not made of iron, you know." "Bilko!" "Yes, sir." "I didn't call you in here to get involved in social chatter." "Well, it's just that you have such a kind, open face, sir." "Five minutes ago, this kind, open face was splattered with mud." "I don't understand, sir." "Well, you will." "Why wasn't my staff car waiting for me at the station?" "(Bilko mumbles)" "Well, didn't you hear, sir?" "It's in the shop." "You see, one of the piston rods developed a wheeze." "We're having it fixed, sir." "Really?" "Well, it sounded perfect to me as it went by me at 80 miles an hour on Highway 14." "Oh, it purred along, didn't it...?" "Well, you see, I was taking it for a test run, sir." "I've got you dead to rights." "And I want the true story." "You were driving down the highway with a platinum blonde." "I want an explanation." "Go ahead." "Well, sir..." "Oh, never mind." "You can tell it in front of my wife." "She's over 21." "Over 21." "Well, bless my soul." "She doesn't look a day over 18." "Oh." "Why, only yesterday," "Corporal Barbella was saying, "Isn't Mrs....?"" "Bilko?" "Sir?" "Go on with the story." "Yes, sir." "Only yesterday," "Corporal Barbella was saying to me, "Isn't...?"" "Not that." "I'm sorry, sir." "You said go ahead with the story, sir." "I'm talking about the story about my staff car and that blonde." "Oh." "Explain that." "Well, sir, you just wouldn't believe it." "I know I wouldn't." "Now, John, if Sergeant Bilko was in your staff car with a young lady, I'm sure he has a logical explanation." "Yes." "Yes?" "Yes." "Um, I'm sure it was a sister of some soldier who was ill in camp, and Sergeant Bilko was rushing her to her brother's side." "Thank heavens I have a witness." "Sir, that's exactly what happened." "I was rushing to meet you, and there was this totally blonde stranger at the side of the road, screaming, "Help!" "Help!"" "I pulled up the car." "I..." "Never mind!" "Sir?" "We'll forget about the incident about your staff car." "My staff car?" "Well, really, sir, it's as much your car as it is mine." "I mean, please be free to call on me anytime you want it, sir." "Thank you." "Thank you." "But Bilko, there's another matter." "While I was in Washington, the adjutant general had me in for a little chat." "Oh, isn't that nice?" "Did you have a gay time with him, sir?" "They're lovely people up there in Washington." "They're a little peeved down in Washington, Bilko." "Peeved, sir?" "They hardly hear from you." "Well, I try to keep in touch as best I can." "Bilko, the Army is run on daily records, requisitions and inventory." "Once every six months, if they're lucky, they get a pad of scribbled papers from you." "Half of them turn out to be gin rummy scores." "I just must change my bookkeeper." "Bilko." "You are sweet." "From now on, Bilko, until your records are up to date, there will be no outside activities." "There will be no games, no raffles, no contests, no dances." "No dances, sir?" "None." "Well, that doesn't include this weekend's dance, sir?" "Absolutely." "Well, it's a very important dance, sir." "The men are looking forw..." "It's called Honor the Colonel With Your Presence Dance, sir." "No." "They all expect..." "Oh, they look forward..." "They've made little colonels out of confetti, sir." "No!" "The men are looking for..." "Sir, I'm sure if you reconsider..." "No!" "Yes, sir." "Well, I guess that takes care of the dance I was gonna run honoring the most beautiful officer's wife." "Mm." "Oh, now John, sto..." "No!" "Well, well, Sergeant Hogan." "Busy, busy, busy, work, work, work, work, work." "Look at all that beautiful energy gone to waste." "Sergeant Bilko, the cocky Ca..." "Casanova." "What's the matter, Ernie?" "You in trouble with the colonel again?" "Me in trouble with old Dad?" "No." "He's just feeling his oats, and I'm putting a little cream on it." "(Bilko laughs) Ow." "Hold that." "I have a vision." "I have a vision of me riding in the moonlight in a car with a beautiful girl alongside of me." "Do you have the same vision?" "Yes, except for one thing." "Yes?" "You're walking." "You can't have my jeep tonight." "Oh, come on, Joan." "You may have your arm around that beautiful waitress from the Roseville Diner, but it's not gonna be in my jeep." "Joanie, you got this all wrong." "I don't know this waitress at..." "She's a complete stranger to me." "Oh, come on, Joanie." "I thought we were more than just friends." "We are." "I'm your creditor." "Where's my $30?" "Now, what?" "Are you a woman or a financial statement?" "You'll get your $30 within the hour." "Happy?" "Thrilled." "(Bilko mumbles)" "Right?" "Now, Mullen, you take over Kadowski's detail in the paint shop." "Paparelli, you're on the carburetors." "Dillingham, you check..." "Hi, Sarge." "What happened?" "What happened?" "The colonel chewed me out really good this time." "No outside activities, no nothing." "Hey, Ernie." "Ernie, I've been looking all over for you." "You're supposed to pick up the colonel in the staff car." "Oh, good old Henshaw, always on the ball." "It's a lucky thing you weren't given the message "The British are coming."" "We'd still be an English colony." "Hey, Sarge, what's wrong?" "I need $30." "Freeze." "Thank you very much." "Thank you very much for this vote of confidence." "That's all I needed." "First the colonel, then Joan, and now my very own platoon." "Thank you." "Hey, Sarge." "Sarge, they're nervous." "They just got paid." "They're loaded, aren't they?" "That's right, Sarge." "Did any one of them buy a ticket to my Come As You Were On the Day You Were Drafted Party?" "No." "They say they're already broke." "They're not broke." "They just don't trust me anymore." "Don't you see it?" "Sure, they trust you, Sarge." "They hate every more I make." "They watch me." "They're suspicious of me." "They're not suspicious of you, Sarge." "They're not suspicious, huh?" "All right, watch this." "Private Doberman, on the double." "Hy-yah, hee-yah!" "How are you, Doberman?" "Good ol' Doberman." "How are you?" "All right, Sarge." "Hi, Duane." "You're not suspicious of me, are you?" "No, Sarge, I ain't suspicious." "Ah, good ol' Doberman." "I'll tell you what, Doberman." "Here's my last five dollars." "I want you to have it." "Oh, Sarge, give me a break." "Give you a break?" "I'm offering you five dollars." "There's no strings attached to it." "Why are you always picking on me?" "Why don't you pick on somebody else?" "Why am I always the patsy?" "What kind of patsy?" "I'm offering you..." "That's an order." "Take the five dollars." "No!" "No!" "All right." "Here it is." "Any of you fellas want it, take it." "Not suspicious of me, huh?" "Here, you take the five dollars." "But Sarge, it's-it's your last five dollars." "Doesn't matter." "I think better when I'm broke." "Got to get a way to find that $30." "We'll hustle up the dance tickets." "No, no." "No more outside activities." "I got to find some way to make the colonel change his m..." "Hey, get me an application for a transfer." "On the double." "Sarge, you gonna leave this outfit?" "Yeah." "You're crazy." "The colonel will never let you go." "Exactly." "I got to teach him a lesson." "The colonel's got to learn that he cannot interfere with private enterprise." "It's gonna be an awful shock to him." "He ain't a young man anymore." "He asked for it." "Get me that transfer on the double, you hear?" "Oh, Roc?" "I'm through thinking." "(door closes)" "Sir, I have Lieutenant Anderson's permission to speak to the colonel." "What's on your mind, Bilko?" "Well, sir, I know I have this request, which will come as a shock to you, but sir, when a man has been on the same post for eight years, he yearns for new horizons." "Here's your transfer." "I know you'll try to stop me, but please don't, sir." "I know you'll miss me around here, sir." "Here are your train tickets." "Please, sir, I must have these new adventures." "I know you'll have trouble replacing me." "I've arranged for a car to take you to the station." "Please don't try to stop me, sir, because" "I know you want me here..." "Your new post is Fort Jason." "...and you need me..." "Good luck." "Thank..." "I'm going?" "You're gone." "Yes, sir." "Did the colonel call me back?" "Did you say something, sir?" "I'm gone." "I'm gone." "(door closes)" "He's gone." "He's gone." "This is Colonel Burke at Fort Jason." "Where are those half-tracks?" "Sergeant Bilko reporting, sir." "Please." "I'm telephoning." "Never mind the excuses." "Just get them here." "Oh, Sergeant Bilko." "Yes, sir?" "Sergeant, I meant merely to glance over your Army record last night, but I found it so fantastic, I was up all night." "Well, sir, you see, the-the records only give their side of it." "Sir, my side is an entirely different..." "Sergeant, did you actually put a jet engine in an Army staff car and enter it in the local stock car race?" "Let me assure the colonel that the prize was of minor consideration to me." "I just wanted to show that our cars can..." "Sergeant?" "Sir?" "Tell me if I'm wrong, but did you attempt to celebrate Benedict Arnold's birthday with a Let Bygones Be Bygones Dance?" "Well, you see, sir, the way I look at it, sir, why hold grudges?" "The man just got in with the wrong crowd, sir." "What I had in mind, sir." "I... (Burke laughs)" "Let bygones be bygones, huh?" "(Burke laughs)" "That's rather funny, isn't it, sir?" "Oh, it's obvious the colonel has a sense of humor, hasn't he?" "Sergeant, this camp is dead on its feet." "It needs a man like you to stir things up." "Yes, sir." "Keep the men alert." "Let bygones be bygones." "How about that?" "(both laughing)" "Oh, I've got some ideas." "I think... (Bilko mutters, clears his throat)" "The new training records just came in, sir." "Good." "Oh, Corporal Mallory, show Sergeant Bilko around the post, and make him feel at home." "Yes, sir." "Follow me." "Corporal, ten-hup!" "About face." "Forward march." "Hup!" "I think I should tell you, Corporal, you see, uh, sometimes it takes years for me to feel at home." "You understand?" "Now, Sergeant, please." "First, I'd like to show you our NCO club." "Then, we have an excellent motor pool." "Then, there's..." "Stop." "I have a vision." "I have a vision of a moonlight ride in your jeep tonight with a beautiful girl beside me." "Do you have the same vision?" "Yes, except for one thing." "What's that?" "I haven't got a jeep." "No jeep?" "I have a Jaguar." "A Jaguar!" "Ah, how peaceful the fort seems, now that Bilko's not around." "Sergeant Baycher, sir." "Oh, send him right in." "Bilko's replacement." "Excellent record." "BAYCHER:" "Hut." "Hut." "Hut." "Sergeant Baycher reporting, sir." "Sergeant Baycher." "Welcome to Fort Baxter." "Now, Sergeant, I would like you to inspect..." "I have already inspected the motor pool, sir, and if I may say so, its records are the most disorganized I have ever seen." "I know." "Uh..." "Uh, now I would like..." "I anticipated that the colonel would want these records up to date and will have the men working all night, if necessary, to fulfill that order." "Up to date?" "Well, now, when you're through, I..." "I anticipated that the colonel would want a complete inventory of all parts, tools, and Army vehicular equipment." "Said inventory will be on your desk no later than 0900 tomorrow." "Oh, thank you." "Does the colonel wish anything else, sir?" "Right now..." "Uh, not right now." "Uh, I hope you'll be happy on this post, Sergeant." "If the colonel will allow me to say this," "I will be happy only when our motor pool has reached an efficiency rating of triple-A." "Colonel." "Hup." "Lieutenant." "Hup." "Hut." "Hut." "Triple-A." "Bilko had a "D."" "Sergeant Bilko?" "He's our new motor pool top kick." "He's wonderful-- he's got bed-making contests." "He's running a serial number raffle." ""Rent a Jaguar"?" "He has a staff car available for groups." "Hey, this guy's doing all right financially." "You're not kidding." "We ought to meet him." "Oh, he'd love that;" "he's very friendly." "Uh, we can be friendly, too, huh, fellas?" "(laughter)" "(whistling)" "Attaboy, keep it moving, keep everything going." "Hi, Sarge." "We got all the signs up." "Good boys, good boys." "Now, get the other posters all over the campus." "Yeah, but Sarge, we..." "Atten-hup!" "(barking orders)" "Sergeant Bilko?" "Sergeant..." "Who-who-who called me?" "Steve Carpowitz." "I'm the mess sergeant." "How are you, Steve?" "Say, that's just nice of you to say hello, Steve." "How are you?" "Ed O'Brien, Supply." "Supply." "You boys do a bang-up job in Supply." "How are you, Ed?" "It's nice to see you." "Sergeant Porter, Signal Corps." "It's a pleasure." "Glad to see you." "Say, you fellas are being very frien..." "Oh, please, don't let me interrupt your game." "Oh, no, we're just killing a little time, playing some poker." "Poker?" "Yeah." "Oh, is that anything like old maid?" "You'll love this game." "W-Why don't you sit in with us?" "Oh, I-I would only..." "Oh, come on, come on, sit down." "Well, all right, maybe I will, just for an inning or so." "Inning?" "Yes." "That's baseball." "Oh, that's true." "Shows you what a dunderhead I am about..." "I said, "inning." (laughs)" "Oh, I'll only spoil your..." "(all protest)" "Come on, you'll learn as you go along." "Sure." "All right, I'll play on one condition." "Now, you boys promise not to laugh at me." "Oh, now, look, it's-it's your deal." "My what?" "Your deal." "Oh, tha-that's when you distribute the cards." "Oh, I believe they have to be mixed, too." "Yeah..." "Oh!" "I'm so clumsy." "You'd better play without me." "(all protest)" "Oh, no, you're doing fine." "All right." "I, uh, I believe this is played for money." "Money, that's right." "Well, is everybody in?" "Yep." "All righty." "You say Sergeant Bilko sent this?" "He sent it to me with my $30." "Isn't that a pretty girl he's with?" "What kind of car is that?" "It's a Jaguar." "Look, John, at the lovely picture" "Sergeant Bilko sent today." "Please don't mention that name around here." "Well, that does it." "Hogan?" "More motor pool reports?" "If they put a patch on an inner tube down there now, 16 different reports are made of it in triplicate." "Sergeant Hogan, the sooner you realize that this is a military installation and not a country club anymore, the happier you're going to be." "Yes, sir." "Well, I've cleaned my desk up." "Let's go, Nell." "It's about time." "BAYCHER:" "Hut." "Oh, that's Baycher." "Hup." "Hup." "Hut." "For the colonel's approval, sir, daily maintenance reports, fuel consumption data, and a complete breakdown on the mileage of each Army vehicle and the amount of fuel used by same as of 1800 hours this date." "Oh, good work, good work, Sergeant." "I'll take care of that in the morning." "May I remind the colonel that if he checks these reports out tonight, they can be in division headquarters at 0900 tomorrow for extra consideration toward a triple-A rating?" "Uh, of course, of course." "Well, tha-that'll be all, Sergeant." "Nell, I won't be able to go home with you tonight for dinner." "Oh, John, you haven't had dinner at home this week." "I know, Nell, but look here..." "What is it, Sergeant?" "I was waiting for the colonel to return my salute, sir." "Oh." "Hut." "Hut." "Hup." "Hup." "Hup." "Well, I'm sorry, Nell, I can't go." "I've got to do all these reports." "Oh, John." "Nell." "Yes, John?" "What were you making for dinner?" "Stewed chicken and dumplings-- the way you like them." "Good night, dear." "Stewed chicken and..." "BAYCHER:" "Hut!" "Oh, this is fascinating." "Now it's my turn?" "That's right." "Oh, let me see if I understand this right." "Now, I take the pool..." "No, no, no, pool is the name of the game." "Now, this is called a cue stick." "Oh, the cue." "I must re..." "The cue." "Yes." "All right." "A-And then...?" "Then you hit the ball." "Oh, then I hit the ball." "Yes." "All right." "Oh!" "No!" "Go like this, see?" "Oh, like that, I see." "Yeah." "Are all the bets down?" "Right." "Right here." "All right." "(billiard balls clack)" "Three ball in the side." "Six ball in the corner." "Come here, little darling eight ball." "Come here, little eight ball." "Here you go, ha." "Amazing." "Simply amazing." "Sergeant Bilko." "Sergeant Bilko." "Sergeant?" "I want to get in your football pool." "I'd like two tickets to the Hello, Autumn Ball." "Me, too." "All right." "See Private Lockebill." "He'll take care of everything." "Sergeant Hogan, Sergeant Baycher claims that you haven't checked out his last inventory." "Get on the ball." "But Colonel Hall, he's only been here a month and this is his 19th inventory." "If this is getting to be too much work for you..." "Paparelli." "Sergeant Baycher wishes to report, sir, that the three ten-ton diesels cannot be operated until a special wheel box grease arrives from the supply depot in Tulsa." "Oh, no." "This is an instantaneous report." "Sergeant Baycher will send the full written reports immediately." "Very well." "Murder!" "I heard that." "Working too hard, Private Paparelli?" "No, sir." "Is the sudden shock of giving the Army a day's work for a day's pay" "getting too much for you?" "No, sir." "No, sir." "If your platoon can't keep up with your new sergeant..." "Yes, sir." "Yes..." "John." "Oh, Nell, I'm too busy." "I'm sorry, I can't..." "John, it's the marketing." "Here's the list." "On furlough, Private Paparelli?" "Heading right back, sir." "Sergeant Baycher." "The reports on the breakdown of the diesels, sir." "The colonel can see that we are not to blame." "I know, the wheel box grease got lost in channels." "Exactly, sir, my original requisition and voucher clearly states that I ordered 900..." "I know, but Sergeant, we never had any breakdown before." "How did Bilko get all the grease or anything else he wanted at a moment's notice?" "I wouldn't mention that, sir, not for the record." "What do you mean?" "I have discovered that, contrary to all Army regulations," "Sergeant Bilko had a private deal with a local filling station." "He got grease, parts, anything he wanted locally?" "How did he do it?" "The colonel may have noticed that many civilian cars in this area have jeep tires." "Frightful, but we never had any breakdowns." "If the colonel is displeased with my adherence to Army regulations," "I will bring him my duplicate order, sir." "No, no, you're doing a wonderful job, Sergeant." "Thank you, sir." "John." "Oh, uh, Sergeant, uh, will you send one of your drivers into town?" "My wife has some shopping..." "Uh, just a dozen ripe tomatoes." "I am sorry, sir, Army Regulation 40-16:" "Civilian produce cannot be transported in a military vehicle." "It's only a dozen tomatoes." "General Bufkin is coming for dinner." "We're planning on making tomato surprise." "I'm sorry, sir, but if we break one Army regulation, we weaken them all." "But I've already bought the tuna fish salad." "Sergeant, I'm putting it in the form of an order." "Yes, sir." "Will the colonel write an official letter exonerating me and the driver of said vehicle-- one copy to be left here on file, one copy to be sent to 13th Army headquarters," "one copy to...?" "Forget it!" "Nell, open up a can of sardines." "Sir, if you wish to keep me here longer, may I have a timed statement from you stating why I was delayed, the amount of time I was delayed," "by whom I was delayed...?" "Never mind!" "You may go." "Thank you, sir." "Hup." "Hut." "Hut." "Now, look, Nell..." "John..." "I'm over my head in work, and I just..." "HOGAN: ...signature." "What, another...?" "This is" "the 19th batch of inventory." "ANDERSON:" "Colonel Hall." "Colonel Hall." "What do you want?" "!" "This just came in, sir." "The motor pool has been given a triple-A rating." "Oh, goody." "(slams door)" "(door opens and closes)" "John." "Nell, what is happening to me?" "I'm screaming at my people." "Wha-What's wrong with me?" "You know, don't you, John?" "Bilko." "No, no, don't say it." "You miss..." "(stammers)" "You miss Bilko, admit it." "After all, after working with him for eight years, why, y-you can't get along without him." "Have him ordered back." "No." "I'll resign from the service first." "Have him..." "All right, come on, Carpowitz, are you in or out?" "Okay, I call you." "What do you got?" "(sighs) Full house." "Oh, that beats me." "I got two pair." "Two pair, and you called me?" "I had three of a kind showing." "I was trying to draw the third ace." "(mimicking):" "I was trying to draw the third ace." "There were two aces out already." "Come..." "Oh, this is too easy." "Aw, come on, our luck will change." "What luck?" "Luck has nothing to do with you pigeons." "I mean, give me a run for it, make it a little tougher." "Frame me, stack the cards." "Sergeant Bilko." "Sergeant Bilko, I want four tickets for the Come As Your Secret Ambition Ball." "No more dances for me, please." "Why?" "Why no more dances?" "I'm not the USO." "Get somebody else to run the dance." "No more dances?" "But I got this money." "Oh, will you look at this poor soul?" "Look at this pigeon." "He's dying to..." "Did you pay five dollars for my Hello, Autumn Dance?" "What did I do for you?" "I played you some records and threw leaves in your face, right?" "Why don't you get wise to yourselves, suckers?" "You're being taken!" "Come on, Bilko, take the money." "Oh, keep it." "Hey, what's eating him?" "Pigeons, pigeons, nothing but..." "Oh..." "Sergeant Bilko," "I just made the collection on the furlough leave..." "Will you stop following me around?" "!" "Sir, I got the cash..." "Please, please, leave me alone with your money!" "Please!" "Sergeant Bilko..." "Enough!" "Enough!" "I'm hemmed in here!" "Please, no, my..." "At Fort Baxter, at least it was a challenge." "They tried to hide from me." "I found them, but they tried to hide from me." "This is, this..." "You, get me an application for a transfer right away." "A transfer?" "On the double!" "(barking orders)" "But Sarge, Sarge, what are we gonna do?" "What are you gonna...?" "Buy defense bonds." "Leave me al..." "Just keep the..." "Go away." "Leave me alone." "Suckers." "(muttering)" "Request Master Sergeant E. Bilko, if he is so disposed, to return..." "You're requesting...?" "That's top secret." "I know Bilko." "If he should suspect that I requested his return, he'll drive a hard bargain." "(phone rings)" "Yes?" "Bilko?" "Outside?" "He's here?" "Send him right in." "Oh!" "Colonel Hall, I just happened to be passing by the post." "I thought I'd drop in for a visit, just to say..." "Came crawling back, eh?" ""Crawling," sir?" "Came crawling back like a whipped dog." "Really, Colonel, your choice of words, I don't understand it." "I don't know if I will take you back, uh, Bilko." "Yes, I can understand." "I hear you got a real sharp sergeant around here now." "Top man-- you wouldn't recognize the motor pool." "Oh, hardly." "I passed by there." "None of the diesels are working, sir." "They will be." "We sent a tracer through channels." "(chuckles):" ""Through channels."" "Of course, if, uh, you did want to come back, uh, you'd have to agree to my terms." "Colonel does drive a hard bargain, sir." "No arguments." "Yes or no?" "Uh, excuse me, sir, I must get back." "Do you want me to complete your... your request for Sergeant Bilko's transfer back?" "Hogan!" "(Hogan gasps)" "(mouthing words)" "(smooching)" "Well, Bilko?" "Do you want to come back?" "Oh, I don't know, sir..." "I got a pretty good deal up there at Camp Jason." "All the dances are going..." "Oh, I didn't see any harm in your dances." "But only on regular holidays." "Well, sir, there's still the question of the staff car we left in the open, sir." "Well, it'll be at my disposal, not yours." "Well, really, sir, I mean, after all, when you consider those errands for the colonel's wife." "Those aren't military..." "Bilko, that's blackmail!" "Sir, you do jump to conclusions, sir." "Ser..." "Sergeant Hogan, uh, tell my wife I'll be home for dinner." "Yes, sir." "Well, okay, only on Wednesdays." "No, sir, we have to discuss Saturdays." "Saturdays are..." "Oh, no, you don't." "I know that taxi service you run" "on Saturday nights." "You..." "Sir, there's no taxi." "Oh, yes!" "Would I use a vehicle of the Army property, sir?" "You've got me wrong." "Listen, now, this is a military installation..." "Sir, it's nice to be back." "Nice to have you back, Ernie." "Let's talk about Saturday!" "Oh, no, you don't!" "I want that car!" "(arguing continues)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Bob Hastings was seen as Sergeant Baycher," "Hope Sansberry was Mrs. Hall, and Elisabeth Fraser played Sergeant Hogan."