"Here's the last of it, Colonel." "Thanks, Kinch." "Carter?" "All right, fellas, here it is." ""Cigarette lighter hidden in commandant's car." ""Secure lighter." "Await instructions."" "Hey, Klink drove into town yesterday." "And maybe somebody in the underground stashed the lighter in his car." "Could be." "What's important about a cigarette lighter?" "We'll find out when we get it." "And may a person inquire when that will be, sir?" "Tomorrow morning, as soon as Hogan's Car Wash opens for business." "All right, come on, let's get going." "Hi, Schultz." "Colonel Hogan, what are you doing?" "Washing the commandant's car." "Come on fellows, let's get going!" "Wait a minute;" "you washed it yesterday." "Yeah, well, you know what they say-- a clean car is a happy car." "Come on, now, let's go." "You want the car to be happy?" "I don't!" "Back to the barracks!" "Wait, wait a minute, Schultz." "You're ordering us not to wash it?" "You heard me." "Just want to make sure, so I can tell the commandant you stopped us." "( frustrated growl )" "Why do you listen to me?" "I'm only a sergeant." "W-Why, why are you standing around?" "!" "Wash the car!" "You heard him." "If it wouldn't be for me, the car would never be washed." "( whistling cheerfully )" "It's not back here." "No luck." "Try under the hood." "Right." "Got it." "Taped under the distributor." "Okay, let's go." "Wait a minute, wait a minute." "Where are you going?" "Colonel Hogan!" "You were right, Schultz." "Car doesn't need washing." "What do you mean?" "!" "( speaking in German )" "KLINK:" "Schultz?" "!" "Ja, jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "What is going on here?" "Herr Kommandant, I-I, I-I'm washing your car." "It was washed yesterday." "A clean car is a happy car." "Is that so?" "Ja, I found it out just a short time ago." "This is how you are wasting your time?" "Herr Kommandant, some of the prisoners, they came..." "You are always blaming the other prisoners." "Now, get on with it." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "I'm going to wash your car and dry it at once!" "Very well!" "I-I-I'm sorry, I..." "When you are finished drying the car... you can dry me!" "A detailed map of Endhaven." "Antiaircraft batteries." "Camouflaged Messerschmitt field." "Uh, chemical plants, storage tanks..." "Here's Endhaven, Colonel." "Hmm." "Thanks, Kinch." "All right." "Now, there's Endhaven." "And there is Schweinfurt-- a really big target." "Now, if you were going to bomb Endhaven, to knock off Schweinfurt, all you'd have to do is just turn a couple of degrees like that." "You mean that's a fake, eh?" "Phony as a three-dollar bill." "Latest word from London is they want this thing to get to the Germans so that they'll think the Allies are going to bomb Endhaven." "But they'll really have a go at Schweinfurt." "Right." "That way, you'll draw off the Luftwaffe from the real target." "Marvelous, isn't it?" "Now, all we have to figure is a plausible way for this thing to get to the Krauts." "Here comes Schultz." "Guten Tag." "Mail call!" "All right, all right." "Let him up, let him up." "Schultz, come on-- one, two, three." "You'll get the Iron Cross for this, Schultz-- wounded in action." "( groaning )" "Jolly jokers!" "Always happens when I bring the mail." "Adams, Abrams, Addison, Barker, Beauchamp," "Belknap, Bartoli..." "Nothing for us, then?" "Hey, Carter, you got a letter." "Come on." "Kinchloe, Newkirk..." "What about me, huh?" "Mmm, yeah, LeBeau." "Thank you." ""Colonel Robert Hogan."" "Uh-oh." "NEWKIRK:" "Trouble, Colonel?" "Hope the censor liked my letter." "Got a piano to play this thing on?" "Hey, you guys want to hear something?" "Get this: "Mr. James Kinchloe, greetings." ""This is to notify you" ""that your final draft classification is now 4F-- limited service."" "Now they tell me." ""Dear John."" "Oh, no." "That's a shame." "Mary Jane and I were practically engaged." "I told you about her." "I didn't know her name was Mary Jane." "It figured." "We've been going together ever since we were kids." "We used to walk home from school together." "I'd carry her books." "When there was snow on the ground, I carried her." "She's a small girl." "Tough luck, Carter." "We were going to be married right after the war." "Now she's going around with some guy at home-- an air raid warden." "It's all a part of life's rich pattern, Andrew." "That's right; forget it." "Write her off." "Write her off?" "!" "No, sir, Mary Jane can't do this to me!" "I'm a sergeant." "Sir, Sergeant Carter, Andrew J., reporting, sir." "At ease, Carter." "Sir, request permission to escape." "I hear you calling, Mary Jane." "CARTER:" "I want to go home." "Who doesn't?" "!" "You feeling all right, Andrew?" "Of course I am." "He's 'round the bend, sir." "Sir, I'm sure I could make it if you'd arrange for the sub to pick me up at the usual place." "Wait, wait a minute, Carter." "I explained to you when you were captured." "We're not just ordinary POWs." "We're here on a mission." "My orders are very plain." "We're to assist Allied prisoners to escape, sabotage the enemy wherever possible." "I realize that, sir, but I need a furlough." "I'm a hardship case." "That we know." "I'll think it over." "Yes, sir." "Carter, do you have to be so, so military?" "I always get this way when I'm serious, sir." "Why do you have to go home right now?" "We got this job with the microfilm to do." "If you could only see Mary Jane, you'd know why I love her, and..." "I know, I know." "You carried each other home from school every day." "She's everything to me." "Look, Andrew, the war will be over any minute now." "The Krauts can't hold on much longer." "Think so?" "Sure." "Soon as the shooting stops, you come to Paris with me." "We'll drink wine in the cafes and we'll eat fantastic food." "We'll see the Eiffel Tower." "The best part of all-- girls." "Girls, girls!" "( speaks French )" "You'll have a marvelous time." "That sounds good." "Doesn't it?" "That sounds great!" "Just one thing about those girls, though, LeBeau." "What, what?" "Are you sure they're the type Mary Jane'll approve of?" "Gin." "Name of the game." "Worthless." "Well, come on, how many you got?" "Add 'em up." "Uh, 94 plus gin." "Thanks... for everything." "I've blitzed you 12 games right across the board." "That's, uh, 4,128." "How much do I owe you?" "Well, I'll forget the odd cents;" "it's... $105,000." "I don't have it right now." "You don't have to worry about it." "I mean, unless you're planning to escape." "It wouldn't be right to run out on a debt of this magnitude." "You'll get it." "$105,000?" "Sure." "As soon as I get home," "I'll start sending you five bucks a month." "Would that I had your moral fiber." "Here he comes." "You know what to do." "Hi, Carter." "Hi, Colonel Hogan." "Guten Tag, Sergeant." "Hi, Fraulein Helga... ma'am." "Working hard?" "Uh, about the same as always." "We never get a chance to talk very much, do we?" "It seems there's always people around." "Yeah, well, it's a pretty crowded war." "That's a pity." "We ought to get better acquainted." "Oh, well, sure." "I wouldn't mind being friends, even if we are enemies." "Of course, if we were friends, we could do things together." "Like what?" "Oh, I don't know." "You want to help me empty the wastebasket?" "An escape attempt, huh?" "Yes, sir." "I'm not sure, but I have a feeling it may happen any time." "You are informing on your own men." "Why?" "I don't want anybody to get hurt." "Sometimes the men forget they're dealing with the toughest commandant in all of Germany," "Oh, ja, ja, ja-- tough." "But fair." "So true." "Well, a word to the wise." "And you are a wise colonel." "Oh, ja, ja, ja, ja-- tough... fair... and wise." "I will take steps immediately." "KLINK:" "Report!" "All present and accounted for, Herr Kommandant!" "Very good!" "I will address the prisoners." "( men grumbling )" "Silence!" "Lately, I have noticed a lack of discipline... which may mean that some of you are planning to escape." "Now, instead of waiting to catch you, because..." "I am tough, fair and wise," "I warn you in advance." "If even one man tries to escape, every prisoner in his barracks will be punished with him." "Sir?" "Yes?" "Does that apply to hardship cases?" "I was hoping to marry Mary Jane one day." "Boy, she's the greatest little girl in the whole world." "Carter, come here." "Sit down." "( groans )" "My feet are killing me." "Listen, Carter, ( grunts ) let me cheer you up." "Women are like war-- there is always another coming around." "Carter... you wouldn't think of doing something foolish like, uh, trying to escape, huh?" "Well..." "Carter, please." "You could put me into lots of trouble." "They might send me to the eastern front." "Gee, I wouldn't want that to happen." "And that's not the worst of it." "They might give me ten days leave." "What's wrong with that, for Pete's sake?" "I would have to spend it with my wife." "Carter, please, don't escape." "I'll tell you what." "When I do escape," "I'll do it some time when you're not on duty." "That way they can't blame you." "You're a good boy." "You feel better?" "Oh, talking to you has cheered me up." "Thank you, Carter." "Carter?" "Yes, sir." "Oh, at ease." "( sighs ):" "You can go home." "Thank you, sir." "I'll never forget you for this." "LeBeau?" "Oui?" "You can have my harmonica, if you want it." "Hey, thank you, Andrew." "I'll think of you when I play it." "Chateaubriand again, huh?" "( speaks French ) ( mutters )" "Hey, fellows, come on, let me have your attention." "Not you, Carter, you're out of it." "You're going home." "Oh, yeah, I forgot." "Look, uh, I just got word from London." "They want that microfilm planted within 48 hours, and I've got an idea." "One of us has to leave camp and get caught." "When the Krauts search him, they'll find the microfilm." "Oh, a man could get 30 days solitary for that, sir." "Oui, and maybe worse." "That's right." "Well, how's he going to explain having the lighter and the film?" "He could say he got it from a transient prisoner, found it-- anything." "The transient prisoner lie would be better, sir." "Thank you, Carter." "Well, what do you think of it?" "With all due respect, sir, I think it's bloody awful." "I agree." "No good." "Terrible." "All right, you guys come up with something better." "Well, if you ask me, it's a great idea." "We ain't asking you." "If you like it so much, you do 30 days in a cooler." "I can't, I'm going home." "Yeah, I don't suppose it would do any good to ask for volunteers." "No." "I pass." "Me, too." "I'd go out myself, but if they found it on an officer, it would really look like a plant." "Hey, come on, fellows." "We've done tougher things than this before." "Aw, butt out." "He's in again." "Of course I am." "As long as I'm here," "I'm still a member of this outfit." "Sir, I'd like to volunteer for that job." "You're kidding." "It means 30 days on ice, maybe more." "He's right." "Can I go home when it's over?" "You have my word on it." "Then I still volunteer." "Carter, it's a privilege to serve in the same army with you." "( cheering )" "All right, all clear outside the wire." "Down periscope." "Ready, Colonel." "Okay, Carter, now, look, it's all clear to the woods." "You go out through the emergency tunnel." "This is the cigarette lighter with the microfilm in it." "Right." "Good luck." "Thank you." "Bonne chance." "KINCH:" "Good luck, Andrew." "LeBeau?" "What?" "If anything should go wrong, send my harmonica to Mary Jane." "Guten Abend." "Hi." "You mind if I sit here?" "Go ahead." "Infantry?" "Artillery." "Uh..." "Private, huh?" "Ja." "Ever thought about a promotion?" "Like to be a PFC, maybe even a corporal?" "Why not?" "Means more money." "What's it to you?" "I'm an escaped American prisoner from Stalag 13." "I have valuable military information." "If you turn me in, you're liable to get some points, maybe even be a hero." "Listen, friend, I am on my first leave." "My first leave in a year and a half." "I don't want any complications." "It's the truth." "You'll always be a private." "Excuse me, uh, Captain." "Excuse me." "Ja, what is it?" "Uh, I'm an American escaped prisoner from Stalag 13, and I might have valuable military information, and if you were to turn me in..." "Hans, isn't it marvelous the way the Gestapo is always testing us?" "Ja." "Ja." "In Dusseldorf, last week, one of their men-- excuse me-- one of your men Your men." "approached me to buy military information." "Imagine." "Congratulations." "You belong to a very efficient organization." "Wait a minute." "You don't understand." "Look, here's my mother's name and there's my I.D." "Heil Hitler." "My dog tag..." "Heil Hitler." "Heil..." "Sir..." "Papers, please." "Captain, all in order." "Thank you." "Uh, don't bother looking at his papers." "What makes you say that?" "You may catch one of your own." "Gestapo?" "Ja, ja, ja." "Excuse me." "All in order?" "Now, mein Herr, may I see your papers, please?" "You sure can." "I-I thought you'd never get to me." "Muller, would you look at that?" "Mother's name, serial number." "Even a blood type." "You have to admit," "Section Nine in Berlin makes beautiful forgeries." "That's no fake." "Of course not, Sergeant Carter, Andrew J." "You know, with that, anybody in the world would take you to be an American prisoner." "Heil Hitler..." "comrade." "Honestly, I-I..." "You are so sad." "Aw, nobody believes anybody anymore." "Oh?" "And, uh, what would you have them believe?" "The truth." "My name is Carter, Andrew J." "And, uh, I am Mady." "Hi." "I'm an escaped American prisoner from Stalag 13, and I have valuable military information." "Not so loud." "I don't care if anybody hears me." "I am not in sympathy with them." "I am Norwegian by birth." "Oh, that's nice." "And, um, I will help you, if I can." "You want to make a citizen's arrest?" "Me?" "I know it's kind of unusual for a girl." "You are trying to be arrested?" "I was, but I've struck out." "Boy, it's discouraging." "No, no, don't turn yourself in." "Why don't you go back to your camp and get a good night's rest, and, in the morning, things will look much better, yes?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that's a good idea." "My dad used to say that." "Get a good fresh start in the morning." "That's what I'll do." "Without this card." "Gee, Mady, thanks a lot." "You're swell." "Ja, and so are you, Ami." "Gee, you didn't have to do that." "Ah, you are leaving, sir?" "May I be of service?" "My car is outside." "Well, as a matter of fact, you can." "If it's not out of your way, you can drive me back to camp." "Good." "Then we left the cafe, and when I questioned him in the car, the real truth came out." "Thank you, Captain." "You are a foolish man." "And after I warned you." "Don't you know that no one has ever escaped from Stalag 13?" "He forgot." "He will have 30 days in the cooler to remember." "Yes, sir." "Can I have my cigarette lighter back?" "No one is permitted to smoke in the cells." "Request denied." "It's just a keepsake, that's all." "Give the kid his lighter." "Just a minute." "A keepsake?" "What is so special about this?" "Aha." "Where did you get this?" "Yes, where did you get this?" "I was walking along the street, and this guy came up to me, and..." "CAPTAIN:" "Go into that later." "This must go to Berlin at once." "Of course." "I'll arrange it." "I will arrange it, Colonel." "Yes, you'll arrange it." "In the future, I suggest you guard your prisoners more carefully." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Not a very friendly type." "KLINK:" "Silence!" "You and this man have made a fool of me in front of the Gestapo, in front of my own command." "I hope you're satisfied." "Yes, I'm satisfied." "Are you satisfied, Carter?" "Oh, I'm satisfied." "You satisfied, Schultz?" "Me, I'm satisfied." "Herr Kommandant, are you satisfied?" "Of course I'm satis..." "Take him away!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "You think he's satisfied?" "Why don't you ask him?" "Herr Komm..." "Schultz!" "Well, we're going to miss you, Andrew." "That we will." "Shoving off, Carter?" "Yes, sir." "Thanks a lot for getting me out of the cooler." "You deserve it." "The raid was a big success." "Colonel Hogan told Klink he'd file a report with the Red Cross and it'll wind up in Berlin." "( imitating Klink ):" "Colonel Hogan, I have decided that I will suspend the sentence... hmm!" "I'll see you later." "Good luck." "Happy landings, gov." "Thanks." "And give Mary Jane our best, huh?" "Sure..." "Mary Jane?" "!" "Yeah, when you get home." "I'm not going home." "I'm going into town to see Mady." "She kissed me, you know." "Look, there's something you ought to learn, and the sooner you learn it, the better off you're going to be." "Women are just like war-- there's always another one coming along." ""(End of Episode)""