"I'm a strong independent woman." "I live my spirit." "I nurture my truth." "I celebrate... what are you doing here?" "Hi there." "Yeah, I came to borrow some milk." "Do you have any real milk, like something from an animal?" " That is real." " Ah, okay." "What happened to your asiagos?" "Well, now that my finances are influxed," "Richard has told me it's fiscally irresponsible to have bagels messengered from New York every morning, so what I'm doing here is I'm cooking!" "You're not busy cooking all day, though, are you?" "I mean, generally you're available." "Not to do things for you, no." "Not for me, for Marcus." "Look, I'm going through his school forms, and I need an emergency contact for him." "Normally, I would put his dad down." " Who lives in Antarctica." " Which is why I'm asking you." "Because I'm awesome and a hero." "No, because you live next door." "I think we both know it's 'cause I'm a hero." "You understand that you'd have to be responsible, Willl?" "You can't just be Willl, the fun neighbor idiot person." "Fun Willl and responsible Willl are one and the same, Fiona." "What is it going to take for you to understand that?" "I'm a strong and independent boy." " I live my spirit." " Hey." "Oh, hey, Willl." "Did you hear what today is?" ""Wear a woman's sweater to school" day?" " Pew!" " Principal?" "No, Princi-pal." "Sweater back on!" "Sweater back on, Marcus!" "Marcus has been given the highest honor." "I get to be principal Goldenrod's assistant for the day." "All right, come on, mom, we gotta go." "We gotta go check in on the early morning detention students and then get in some good old-fashioned hall monitoring before first period." "Ah, I am drunk with power." "Bye, Willl." "Fiona, you cannot let him do this." "What are you talking about?" "It's a very big deal." "He'll be a pariah!" "Principal's assistant?" "He might as well be wearing a sash that says "volunteer narc."" "You see, if you were responsible, Willl, really, you would appreciate that this is a great opportunity." "And also, don't undermine my parenting in front of him." "I waited till he went to the car... you saw that." "The sweater, Willl, the sweater." "For your information, it is unisex." "Nothing about that sweater is any kind of sex!" "Will you just fill this form in, please?" "Thank you." "Be cool, Marcus." "Be cool, dude." " Here we are." " Oh." "Okay, class, so today's extra credit is going to be a hundred-word essay, um..." "Sorry, uh, sorry about that." "I got this, Principal G." "All right, check this out." "Oh, uh, I don't..." "I don't think you're supposed to come in here." "What are you in for?" "You know, just... just helping clean Principal G's office." "Were you born with that brown stuff on your nose, or did you put it there yourself?" "I got brown on my nose?" "Must be from the hot chocolate I made the principal earlier." "I even put a little bit of cinnamon in as a fun surprise." "I don't think you're allowed to do that." "It's password protected." "Oh, is it really?" "Marcus Bowa, right?" "You're getting all As." "Except a "C" in gym." "No shocker there." "Wait, you know my name?" "As the principal's assistant for the day," "I have to respectfully ask you to get off his computer." "Okay." "So, Shea Garcia-Miller, is it true what they say about you?" " What?" " Nothing, just that, uh, just that you got kicked out of your last three schools." "That you have a boyfriend in jail." "That you can make a teacher cry using only your words?" "That you once ate a live squirrel?" "Once I ate a seventh grader wearing a woman's sweater." "Just kidding, pasty." "Calm down." "Okay, Principal Nimrod has lame taste in music." "Let's get some good stuff on here." "Do you like the Sex Pistols?" "Uh, those are two things that are not permitted in my household." "I think this school needs a dance break." "Huh?" "Wait, that's the PA system." "If you turn it on, the whole school will hear..." " That's the point, pasty." " Oh, um..." "I really think you should turn that off." "What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is going on in here?" "Who's responsible?" " Uh, I..." " Me!" "I did it." "It was me." "And you were my favorite Princi-pal." "Officially, you're in trouble, but I can't tell you I'm not a tiny bit proud of you, man." "I mean, that was a bold move, Marcus." "I didn't know you had it in you." "And I applaud your choice of music." "I mean, clearly I'm having more of a positive influence..." "I didn't do it." "Yeah, yeah, that makes more sense." "This girl did it." "This girl I don't even know." "Shea Garcia-Miller." "We were in the Principal's office together, and she turned on the music and started dancing." "It's like... it's like I was in a trance, I was hypnotized." "Marcus, I know exactly what's going on here." "Did I accidentally take drugs?" "Because one time I doubled up on my multi-vitamins and..." "My day was a blur." "You, my Lilliputian friend, have a crush." "Big time!" "A real teenage crush." "I do?" "Okay, okay, this is exciting stuff." "All right, first off, are you getting any indication whatsoever that she likes you back?" "Hmm, I don't think so." "Oh, wait!" "She called me pasty." "Okay, that's gonna be tough for me to spin." "Uh, what kind of vibe is she throwing at you?" "Huh." "Oh, she's a year older than me." " Mm-hmm." " She's possibly a criminal." "And she has a boyfriend, but I think he's in jail." "Oh, oh, Marcus, no, she's a bad girl." "Dude, no, this is not gonna end well for you." "Bad girls are great at..." "Some stuff..." "But sooner or later, you're gonna regret it." "I... you gotta cut bait now." "Meaning what?" "You think I should tell Principal Goldenrod the truth?" "I'm afraid so." "Okay, but can we maybe not tell my mom about the whole "Shea" part?" "Oh, we cannot tell your mom anything, ever, about anything." " All right." "Bro code of silence?" " Bro code of silence." "I am a strong and independent boy." "I live my spirit." " I celebrate..." " Are you talking to yourself?" "Oh." "Hey." "What are you doing here?" "They're saying I popped a teacher's tires." "Did you?" " Look, it doesn't matter if you did it - if the man thinks you did it." "Did you get in trouble?" "Well..." "My mom was pretty mad." "What about your dad?" "My dad lives in Antarctica." "We're not in touch as much as I like during penguin mating season." "I got kicked out of my last two schools." "Not three." "I don't have a boyfriend in jail." "Can I make a teacher cry using only my words?" "Yeah." "And, no, I never ate a live squirrel." "I'm an animal lover." "Me too." "Hi, darling." "Hello, I'm Marcus's mom." "No." "Yes..." "I am." " Come on, darling, let's go." " Uh, okay." "Don't let the man get you down." "I wouldn't say that I'm disappointed." "Oh, I'm so happy to hear that." " I am devastated." " Oh." "I am shaken to my very core." "In all my 30 years as an educator..." "Nay, 50 years as a human being," "I have never felt so betrayed." "Alan... may I call you Alan?" "We're terribly sorry." "We are terribly sorry." "Now, why don't you tell Principal Goldenrod the truth?" " I did it!" " What?" "What, what, what?" "No you didn't!" "I did it!" "I'd do it again." "I'd do it a thousand times with absolutely no regret." "What do you think of that, the man?" "I played the sex, I played the pistols," "I played them both." " It's 4:00 in the afternoon." " Hey, stop!" " Get up!" " Stop it!" " I'm trying to save money." " By napping?" "Yes, okay, it's a good strategy." "You can't spend money when you're unconscious." " Although, this one time in Cabo..." " All right, listen, listen, listen!" "I just came from an incredibly humiliating meeting with Marcus's Principal." "Marcus was prepared to fall on his sword, but I figured it out." "He's trying to protect this very odd girl." "Shea Garcia-Miller." " You know about Shea?" " Yeah, he has a crush." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Because Marcus asked for "privacy."" "He's 12." "I'm his mother." "Well, I'm his weird adult father figure, and I need to have trust with him, but I told him that she was a bad idea." "Look, I have never had cause to take such draconian measures." "But I am banning him from speaking to her." "Well, that's a little bit drastic." "He is very impressionable, Willl." "And you have not seen the kind of power that she has over him." "She's using him." "She's completely manipulating him with her sly little looks and her prepubescent breasts." "I could get arrested even hearing you say that." " You stop that." " Listen." "You just gotta tow the line, all right?" "No Shea, or I will ban him from speaking to you too." " What?" " Yes." " You can't even do that." " Draconian measures!" "I can see him whenever I want!" "I need to find a way to see her." "I cannot support that, Marcus." "But, Willl, she likes me." "She's the first person ever that I have connected with on a deep, intellectual, and emotional level." " No offense." " None taken, my friend." "We shared secrets, Willl." "We told each other things we never told anyone." "It's Shakespearian, really." "Two houses divided." "Ok, just calm down there, Romeo." "First of all, your mom doesn't want you to see her, okay?" "Do you get that?" "And second off, what kind of evidence are you getting from this girl that she actually likes you?" "It's my love!" "What?" "It's not your love, this is my house." "This is my Chinese food delivery guy." " No, Willl, it's Shea!" " It's Hong dynasty." "I told you!" "I told you she's here." "Oh, God, she's here." "Uh, what do I do, what do I say?" "Beanie on or beanie off?" "Marcus, you are not allowed to see her." "You go hide behind that couch, right now." "And beanie always off." "It's not even a question." "Hey, there, uh, can I help you?" " Is Marcus here?" " No, no." "That's weird, because I hacked into his phone, and the GPS said he was here." "That's not a thing." "Also, he's hiding behind that chair." "Oh, uh, hi Shea." "Oh, this is my cool neighbor friend Willl." "You're gonna love him." "Doubtful." " Wanna go somewhere?" " Okay, no." "Marcus, you're not allowed to go anywhere." "And you are not allowed to be in here, so, please leave." "No." " Young lady, you need to go." " I thought you said he was cool." "Excuse me?" "I am extremely cool." "You don't even know." "Aren't you a little too old for skinny jeans?" "Absolutely not." "Really?" "What are you like, 34?" "Uh..." "No." "Might be a good time to stop shopping at forever 21." "Let me tell you something." "I have a recording studio in my house." "I have a refrigerator that's only for beer, and a backup refrigerator full of backup beer." "I have four different video game consoles that I could play at once if I want to." "And I often want to." "I am awesome." "Let's see." "Full spin!" "Full spin 360!" "Yeah!" "In your face!" "Chug chug chug chug!" "Shea, why don't you get your things and I'll give you a ride home." "I'm gonna deal with you later." "You too, Willl." "I am actually quite anxious to talk to your parents." "Good luck with that." "Hello?" "Well, I guess no one's home." "Happy now?" " Will you get your bag off my bed?" " Oh, sorry." "Um, well, when do you think they'll be back?" "No idea." "I mean, are they at work?" "I don't know where my mom is, and I haven't seen my dad in six years, but he writes an awesome birthday card." "So what are you going to do now?" "I mean, who's gonna make you dinner?" "I'm fine." "I have cookies." "Want a smoke?" "Are you joking?" "Put them away, go on." "You can go now." "Quite fancy some biscuits." "You don't have any almond milk, do you?" "Sorry." "How is it possible that I eat and I eat, but I just don't feel any better." "This has never happened before." "All right, here, try it with chocolate milk." "Nope." "Nothing." "Ah, what is taking so long?" "What could they possibly be talking about?" " This is torture." " Yep." "Thanks for taking my side, Willl." "Well, about that Marcus, you know, I..." "My mom just doesn't understand." "She doesn't get what being in love is like." "Man, it's hard to be a boy sometimes." "Thank goodness I have you." "Yeah." "Well, listen, here's the thing, Marcus." "You know, I am your buddy, right?" "I am always gonna be there for you and that is never gonna change." "But there's gonna be select situations where I'm gonna have to act a little bit more like an adult, you know?" "But, you're in Arrested Development." "That's one of your charms." "Luckily for you, I have numerous charms." "So, you know, you won't miss one of them if they're gone." "Uh, that's her." "Okay, I want you to look sad." "I want you to look apologetic." "I want you to look like you understand the gravity of the situation, and you're never gonna do it again." " Okay." " What do you got?" "Okay, you look like you have to go poop." "That's impossible, I only poop on Sunday mornings with a copy of the Arts  Leisure section." "Ok, T.M.I. and also very unhealthy." "Now, just relax your face, bud." "Relax it." "There you go, now, there you go, perfect." "How was it?" "You weren't mean to her, were you?" "You didn't yell at her, did you?" "Was she mad?" "Did she say anything about me?" "She's not a bad kid, Marcus." "Exactly!" "But she is a year older than you, and she is in a very different place than you are." "I don't want you racing to catch up with her, or anyone." "What are you saying?" "That I..." "I don't want you hanging out with Shea." "Mom, no!" "That's not fair, please!" "I don't expect you to understand." "Really." "But I'm only doing it because of how much I love you." "Will?" "Sorry, buddy." "What your mom says goes." "Better go back home, do your homework, and maybe write an apology poem to Principal Goldenrod." " Poem?" " Doesn't have to rhyme." "Hey, Fiona, I, uh," "I just, you know, want you to know that I..." "It means a lot to me that I'm Marcus's emergency contact." "It's not something that I take lightly." "I know I make it look easy, but parenting is actually quite difficult." "Yeah, you don't make it look easy." "I didn't have great parents, myself." "I always promised that I'd do a better job." "You think parenting is gonna be black and white." "But it's actually quite gray." "Yeah, well, that's why they invented whiskey, right?" "Right." "I got a seventeen-year-old macallan in there." "It's been around longer than Marcus." " Do you want some?" " Ooh, need not want." "Quick question." "I'm not too old to wear skinny jeans?" "I mean, I totally pull them off, right?" "Oh, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "What the hell?" "I know I just saw it yesterday." "I know I have this whiskey." "Am I going crazy?" "I didn't drink it." "The only people that have been in this house are you, me, Marcus, and..." "Oh, boy."