"ANNOUNCER:" "In the last episode of Soap," "Dutch, convinced that Eunice was playing around, which she was, followed her to a hotel, where he met Billy, who convinced him she wasn't." "Chester tried to convince Corrine that he wasn't playing around, which he was, but Corrine was not convinced." "Real Burt convinced Alien Burt to leave Earth for good, which he did, and now Burt can go home and convince Mary he's who he is." "Confused?" "You won't be after this episode of Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap." "Billy..." "Hi, Ma." "Billy, it's after 11:00." "Where have you been?" "Uh, I was out, studying." "Again?" "You know, for years, you were always saying to me," ""You never study."" "Now I study, you say I shouldn't." "I'm not saying you shouldn't, but you study all the time, and I want you to have fun." "I'm having fun, Ma." "I promise you, I'm having fun." "Okay... but I've also noticed that you're not eating very much lately." "Is something bothering you, honey?" "No, of course not." "Don't be silly." "Yeah." "What?" "Well, you see, my friend, Bobby, he's having some problems, and I'm a little worried about him." "You're a good friend, Billy." "Yeah, well, you know..." "What is his problem?" "He's in love with one of his teachers." "Oh, that's normal." "Everyone at one time or another gets a crush on a teacher." "I had a terrible crush on Mr. McGee." "No, it's not a crush, Ma." "They're dating." "I wonder if I'd dated Mr. McGee if I would've passed algebra." "Oh, well." "What difference does it make?" "Algebra." "I have never once in all these years had to find "X."" "So, your friend Bobby and his teacher are dating?" "Yeah, and he's really worried about it." "I mean, one, because she's his teacher, and two, she's an older woman." "He's really in love with her." "She's incredible." "She's beautiful, and bright, sensitive, and fun." "From what Joe says." "Who's Joe?" "My friend." "I thought you said his name was Bobby." "It is." "It's Bobby-Joe." "He's Southern." "Uh, he's got a brother Billy-Joe, a brother Benny-Joe, a father, Bonnie-Joe and a mother, Millie-Joe." "I see." "Well, these relationships really often work out." "You know, take for instance" "Burt Reynolds and Dinah Shore." "Now, she's much older than he is, and they went together for years." "Of course, he is with that little nun now." "It all worked out." "I mean, nobody seemed to get hurt." "See, I saw Dinah this afternoon on her show." "She was happy, smiling." "So it can work out?" "Oh, absolutely." "Even your cousin, Cynthia." "She was married to someone much older too in her first marriage." "She was 22 and he was 76." "Well, it didn't last long." "He died on the honeymoon." "But these relationships can work out." "Oh, boy, that's a relief." "James'll be so happy." "Who's James?" "My friend." "I thought you said his name was Bobby-Joe." "Bobby-Joe James." "Uh, country and western singer." "You never heard of Bobby-Joe James?" "It's you, isn't it?" "I guess." "You and your teacher?" "Yes." "Good God, how could she do such a thing?" "I mean, how sick, to get involved with a mere child when she's, what, probably 55, 68 years old?" "I mean, how shocking, how sick..." "She's not 68." "What makes you think she's 68?" "You said she was older." "68 is older." "She's 27." "27!" "Oh, God, Billy." "27 years old." "Mom, just 20 seconds ago, you said it was okay." "You remember Burt Reynolds, Dinah Shore?" "Well, we don't know how they feel." "I mean, you cannot take Rona Barrett's word for everything, you know." "You said Dinah looked fine, happy." "Lighting." "It's just that you're still such a little baby." "I'm not a baby, Mom." "Just four years ago, you cried when you struck out at Little League." "That was a long time ago." "I don't want you to get hurt." "I won't get hurt." "You might get hurt." "If I do get hurt, it was worth it." "Mom, she's a nice person." "A nice, 27-year-old person who teaches history." "Well, I guess I can't object, can I?" "I mean, if she's a nice person, how can I object?" "I mean, I'd like to find a way to object, but..." "There's nothing to worry about." "I promise you." "It's okay." "There's absolutely nothing to worry about." "Well, I guess I'm going to have to let you grow up, huh?" "I will anyway." "I know." "Good night, Mom." "Good night, honey." "Just yesterday, rubber pants." "Ma..." "Just yesterday." "Mare!" "Mare, where've you been?" "I slept at Jessica's." "Oh, Mare, Mare, Mare." "Stop it!" "You're always all over me, pawing me, touching me." "I'm not an avocado." "Wait a minute, Mare." "What's the matter?" "Did we meet at the drugstore?" "Yes." "And did you disappear?" "Yes." "You really disappeared?" "I'm not crazy?" "You disappeared?" "Mare, you're not crazy." "I disappeared." "You can make yourself disappear?" "No." "You're making me crazy." "Mary, wait a minute." "Mare, Mare, listen, I disappeared." "I did." "I disappeared, but I didn't make me disappear." "They made me disappear." "We're both crazy." "No, no." "Mare, listen to me." "Mare, please listen to me." "You've gotta hear this now." "Remember when I went looking for the spaceship?" "I found it." "Mare, I'm telling you, they beamed me up to their ship." "I was on the ship." "It was an alien spaceship." "You were on an alien spaceship." "That's it." "Right." "Yeah." "Look at this." "Look at that." "See?" "It's a knob." "Yeah, yeah, from the spaceship." "Here." "We were both on a spaceship." "No, wait a minute, Mare." "Mary, please." "Saul gave it to me." "Saul?" "An alien named Saul?" "Yes." "No, no, no." "Saul's not an alien." "He's like you and me." "They captured him like they captured me, only they captured him 4,000 years ago." "They've probably stopped looking for him by now." "Mary, please, listen." "That's what they do." "They capture people." "Then, in order to study the Earth, they send down a duplicate of the guy they captured." "See, they took an alien, a little guy... they're all little guys, it's like munchkins all around you... and they put him into an exact duplicate of my body." "Mary, they can do that stuff." "Really." "In this case, unfortunately, they sent down this little sex-crazy guy..." "Sex-crazy?" "Yeah, it seems he hadn't had sex in 2,000 years." "I mean, 2,000 years, Mary." "I get crazy after a week." "Mare, I'm the Real Burt." "I'm the Real Burt!" "You stick a pin in me, you get blood." "You stick a pin in him, you get Freon." "Burt, it's true." "Sex-crazy." "It wasn't you." "That's what I'm telling you." "You're you!" "I'm me." "He's him." "I'm not him." "I'm me." "Where is he?" "I..." "Well, they beamed him up to the ship." "He's up there in his little silver body, diddling around." "Burt, I'm not crazy." "I'm really not crazy." "I thought I was crazy, but I am not crazy." "Oh!" "Oh, thank God." "I'd go crazy if I was crazy." "Oh, Burt." "Welcome home." "It must have been terrible up there." "No." "Well, you know, actually, they were pretty nice to me, but the terrible part was not being with you." "That was the terrible part." "That and the teeny little portions they serve up there." "I am so happy that you're home." "Wait." "Hey, Mare, wait." "Mare, when you came in, you said I..." "I couldn't keep my hands off you." "Did, uh, did he, uh..." "Nothing." "Really." "Tapped me on the shoulder a lot." "Wait a minute, Mary, please now." "He was a very horny little guy." "Really?" "Yeah, Mare, come on, just..." "Tell me." "I mean..." "You know, did any..." "You know, you and..." "Well, Burt, I thought it was you." "While I was up there with them, you were up there with him?" "I didn't know it was him." "I thought it was you." "So how was I?" "Unbelievably... bad." "Bad." "Bad?" "Huh!" "How come?" "It just wasn't you." "So, I thought it would help if I found the kidnappers." "I thought it would make me feel better, but it turns out it didn't." "I mean, it didn't bring you back." "God, I miss you so much, Elaine." "I never knew what it was like to miss somebody until now." "I'll come again soon." "I love you, Elaine." "Bye-bye." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I really didn't mean... but I was, I was just..." "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "You look so sad." "Well, I-I mean, of course, you look sad." "You're here." "It's..." "It's natural." "It's just that I..." "Never mind." "I'm, uh, I'm really sorry." "Goodbye." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "For what?" "For caring." "I know what it's like." "Is that..." "My husband." "I'm sorry." "You?" "Wife." "When?" "A few months ago." "You?" "Six months." "You know, I used to think it was crazy whenever you'd see in a movie or something, somebody talking to somebody who was... you know..." "Dead." "Yeah, dead." "I hate to say that word." "I figure, if I don't say it, it won't be true." "Yeah, I know." "I used to think it was crazy, talking, but... now I come here and talk to Elaine." "I do too." "You knew Elaine?" "No, my husband?" "I talk to my husband." "Oh!" "Right." "Sure." "It helps too, you know." "I don't feel so alone." "I just wish they could answer." "Yeah, I know." "You know, sometimes when I wake up in the morning, for a second, I don't remember that it happened, and then it hits me, just like it did the first time." "Yeah." "I know." "Listen, you wanna have a cup of coffee or something?" "Now?" "Yeah." "I don't know." "Oh, forget it." "It's probably not a good idea." "I mean, I think I'd feel a little funny enjoying myself now, you know?" "Me too." "Wait a minute." "She says it's fine." "She does?" "Yeah." "He says it's all right too." "Then what do you say?" "I'm Polly." "Let's have coffee." "I'm Danny." "Let's go." "You mean, that you actually lied to Dutch?" "What was I gonna do, tell him Eunice was there with a guy?" "The man is a killer." "Could you two knock it off?" "He is making breakfast in the next room." "You lied to a killer?" "Are you crazy?" "I was saving my sister's behind." "My behind does not need saving." "Eunice, I don't understand you." "How could you do this to him?" "Oh, I don't know." "Sometimes, I love him, and sometimes, I don't." "I take it last night was a definite don't." "Oh, listen to this." "I'm getting snide remarks from a hot Cub Scout." "Eunice, what if he finds out?" "That dolt?" "How could he?" "Eunice, don't you think it might be fair to Dutch to tell him how you feel?" "Oh, I don't know." "He does certain things very well." "Oh, Eunice..." "Good morning." "Good morning, Daddy." "Eh?" "Everyone sleep well?" "Oh, yeah." "Eventually." "It's so nice to hear my children's voices chattering away, and to see their happy, little faces." "Good morning, Billy." "Did you have an interesting time last night?" "Oh, uh, same old thing." "Really?" "Good morning." "Good morning, Dutch." "Everybody ready for breakfast?" "Smells wonderful." "Leavenworth porridge." "Actually, only one other guy besides me has the recipe for this, and he doesn't have much use for it anymore." "Oh, why not?" "They executed him." "Well, it's nice he wrote it down." "For the lady of the house." "Oh, thank you, Dutch." "I'm so happy to see everyone this morning." "This house was like a morgue last night." "I mean, Billy didn't come home from school, and Chester didn't come home from the city." "Eunice didn't come home from the movies, and Corrine didn't come home." "Dutch was in and out all night long, but he never sat down to chat." "I'm just glad that it's morning so I can have a little company." "For the master of the house." "Well, thank you, Dutch." "Enjoy, all." "There's plenty." "Oh, Dutch?" "Yes, my sweet?" "What about me, don't I get any?" "Oh, of course, my dear." "How stupid of me." "Princess!" "I can be such a dolt sometimes." "You stupid clod!" "How dare you?" "Dolt, eh?" "You spent the night with some clown, and I'm too stupid to figure it out?" "Clowns!" "Oh!" "They're my favorite thing." "You horrible, loathsome, malicious..." "Dutch, I just don't believe this!" "You don't believe it?" "No." "You don't?" "I turned state's evidence for you." "I fink on my own kind, and you don't believe it?" "You don't?" "Well, wait till you see what I got planned for lunch." "Settle down!" "I love you, Eunice." "Oh, Dutch, flowers would've been so much nicer." "Eunice, if that ever happens again, it'll be the sorriest night of your life." "Oh, men are such temperamental cooks." "Is he gone, Jessica?" "Yes, Chester." "Colonel, that helmet is way too big." "Now, you get one your own size." "Oh, Major." "And clean up this mess now!" "Would anyone care for more coffee?" "CHESTER:" "I think I'd like some." "Mary..." "Hi, Jess." "Hello, darling." "Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry I'm late, but I simply could not get out of Bloomingdale's." "I love that store." "Me too." "I think I'd like to be buried there." "So, Mary, what is your wonderful news?" "Jessica, you know how I've been thinking I'm crazy, because I've thought Burt wasn't Burt?" "Uh-huh." "Well, I'm not crazy, Jessica." "I am not crazy at all." "The man I thought wasn't Burt wasn't Burt." "He was a man from outer space made to look just like Burt." "Of course, I knew, you see, that even though he was Burt, he wasn't." "I see." "Now, Mary, did Burt tell you this, or did you just draw your own conclusions?" "He told me." "Not the Alien Burt." "The Real Burt told me, once he got rid of the Alien Burt." "I see." "Well, if it makes you happy, Mary, that's all that's important." "But it's true, Jess, it's true." "Listen, it's all right." "Whatever works for you." "Ask Burt." "He'll explain it to you." "Oh, I will, I will." "I'll come over some night, and we can all sit around and have a few laughs about it, but not now, Mary." "I've got too much on my mind." "That's why I went shopping." "When I get upset, I go shopping, because then I can get upset about what I bought, and I forget what I got upset about in the first place." "Only today," "I couldn't find anything that upset me in my size." "Jessica, what's wrong?" "Billy is in love with one of his teachers." "That's normal." "He's dating her." "That's not." "Mary, next week are the parent- teachers' conferences." "I mean, what am I going to talk about?" "How Billy's doing?" "I mean, I don't think I want to know." "Dating his teacher..." "He'll never know what he's being graded for." "And Mary, she is 10 years older than he is." "Now, I know 10 years shouldn't bother me, and I can't think of a reason in the world why it does bother me." "All I know is that it bothers me." "If she was a man, it wouldn't bother you." "No, Mary, I think that would bother me more." "Because, you see, Mary, then Billy would be dating an older, homosexual teacher." "No, Jessica." "I mean, if Billy was a girl, and the teacher was a man." "We think nothing of a man being 10 years older than a woman." "That's because they generally are." "What?" "Men are generally older than women." "Jessica, what I mean is..." "Mary, look!" "What?" "It's Chester." "Are you sure?" "With a woman!" "It was Chester with a woman." "Jessica... that was probably Chester getting into the elevator, and a woman getting into the elevator." "He was holding her arm." "Maybe she was blind." "No, she was a brunette." "Mary, he has gone upstairs with her." "Jessica, don't jump to conclusions." "There are a million reasons why he could be here." "Name one." "Smoke Enders." "Smoke Enders meets upstairs." "He doesn't smoke." "EST." "What?" "EST." "You know that group." "The McDonald's of psychiatry." "Chester hates hamburgers." "Where are you going?" "Upstairs." "Jess, please don't go." "Mary, it's the only way that I'm going to know for sure, and I've got to know." "ANNOUNCER:" "Will anything happen with Danny and Polly?" "Will they decide to meet somewhere else next time?" "What will Jessica find when she goes up to Chester's room?" "Will a "Do Not Disturb" sign stop her?" "Is Mary glad Real Burt is back?" "Won't there be certain things she'll miss?" "Will Eunice find out what's for breakfast before she fools around again?" "Will she at least wear a hat?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."