"I am Andy... and I would like to thank you for coming to my movie." "I wish it was better, you know, but... it is so stupid." "It's terrible." "I do not even like it." "All of the most important things in my life... a-a-are changed around and mixed up... for, um... uh, dramatic purposes." "So..." "I decided to cut out... all of the baloney." "Now the movie is much shorter." "In fact, this... is the end of the movie." "Thank you very much." "I am not fooling." "Good-bye." "Go." "Wow." "You're still here." "O-kay!" "I hope you're not upset." "I did that to get rid of those folks who just..." "wouldn't understand me... and don't even want to try." "Actually, the movie is really great." "It's just filled with colorful characters, like the one I just did and the one I'm doing now." "Our story begins... back in Great Neck, Long Island." "This is our house." "And that's my father's old car." "That's my father." "That's my little brother Michael." "That's my little sister Carol." " And that's my mom." " Janice?" "Andy's up in his room?" "Yeah." "Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat made his head fall off." "She saw it And it's not true." "Today's special guest, Mr. Bear." " What's up, Mr. Bear?" " Andy?" "Son, this has got to stop." "Our house is not a television station." "There's not a camera in that wall." "I mean, this is not healthy." "You should be outside playing sports." "But I have my own sports show." "Andy, you know that's not what I meant." "Look, I'm gonna put my foot down." "No more playing alone." " You want to perform, you have got to have an audience." " They're right there!" "That is not an audience." "That is plaster." "An audience is made of people, people who live and breathe." "Andy Kaufman and Howdy Doody present..." ""The Animal Song"!" "I'm gonna say the animal, and then you tell me what it says." " Okay?" " Okay." " Oh, the cow goes..." " Moo." " And the cat goes..." " Meow!" "Meow!" "And the bird goes..." " Tweet, tweet." " Tweet, tweet!" "And the lion goes..." "Roar!" " And the dog goes" " Ruff." " And the cat goes" " Meow." " And the bird goes" " Tweet." " And the pig goes" " Oink." "And that's the way it goes" " The comedy stylings of Andy Kaufman." " Thank you." "So, Mr. Besserman, same spot tomorrow?" "I don't know, Andy." "I think I have to let you go." "You're firing me?" "You..." "You don't even pay me." "I don't want to seem insulting, but your act is like amateur hour." "You're doing sing alongs for six-year-olds and puppets that aren't funny." " Playing records?" " But it's totally original." "No one's ever done it." "I'm not like everyone else." "Well, everybody else gets this place cookin'." "I thought it was cooking." "There was a man over here that was really upset." "He stormed out, and a lot of other people left in the middle of your act." " I can't sell booze..." " It's not about comedy." "It's not about art." " It's about booze." " I can't sell booze when you're singing "Pop Goes the Weasel"." " That's all that matters." " I'm running a business here." "It's show business." "Show business." "Show business." "Without the business, there's no show." " There's no show for you." " Wh-What do you want me to do?" " "Take my wife, please"?" " At least it's a joke." "Try some jokes." "Like, "Why did the Siamese twins go to England?"" "I don't know." "Why did they go to England?" "So the other one could drive." "But why doesn't the other one just learn how to drive?" "Whew." "Maybe that one isn't for you." "But do jokes about the traffic, do impressions, maybe some blue material." "Thank you very much." "Goodnight!" "Now?" " Now." "Thank you very much." "One thing I do not like... is too much traffic." "You know?" "Tonight I had to come... from... uh..." "And the freeway, it was so much traffic." "It took me an hour and a half to get here." "But..." "But... talking about the terrible things..." "My wife... take my wife." "Please take her." "Ugh." "No." "No." "I am only fooling." "I..." "I love my wife, but she don't know how to cook." "Her cooking is so bad." " It's terrible." " No." "Now I would like to..." "I would like to do for you... the imitations." "I would like to start... with the..." "the Jimmy Carter." "The president of the United States." "Hello, I am Jimmy Carter, the president of the United States." "God!" "Thank you very much." "And now I would like to do for you... the... the Elvis Presley." "Well, it's one for the money two for the show three to get ready" "Now go, cat, go Now, don't you" "Step on my blue suede shoes" "Well, you can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes" "Let's go, cat!" "Budd, what's the story with this guy?" "I think he's from Lithuania." "Oh, blue, blue blue suede shoes" "Baby, blue, blue blue suede shoes, honey" "Blue, blue blue suede shoes, baby" "Blue, blue blue suede shoes" "You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes" "Oh, well we were dancin'" "We were dancin'" "To the jailhouse rock" "All right!" "Whoo!" "Thank you very much." "Hey, I really enjoyed your set." "I didn't mean to startle you." "I really liked what you did out there." "Thank you very much." "So I understand you're from Lithuania." "No, I am from Caspiar." "Caspiar, huh?" "It is a very small island in the Caspian Sea." "It sunk." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Uh..." "Look, uh, I'm probably out of my mind, but I think you're very interesting, and if you ever need representation, we should talk." "Okay." ""George Shapiro"." "Mr. Shapiro." "Wow." " It is an honor, sir." " Caspiar, huh?" "I wanna be the biggest star in the world." "Well, people love comedians." "I'm not a comedian." "I don't do jokes." "I don't even know what's funny." "I'm a song-and-dance man." " Oh, yeah." " Thank you." "Uh, I particularly suggest the lotus root." "Um, but you, uh, you know, you show a lot of promise." "And my concern is I don't know where to book you." "You're not a stand-up, and, uh, your act doesn't exactly translate itself to film, so..." "Um..." "So help me." "Where do you see yourself?" "Well, I've always wanted to play Carnegie Hall." "That's funny." "See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs." "I want real gut reactions." "I want the audience to have gone through an experience." "They love me, they hate me, they walk out." "It's all great." " Andy, you got a little something..." " Hmm?" "When I'm famous, I'm gonna sell these, as worn by Andy Kaufman." "You can have this one." "It's probably gonna be worth a lot 'cause it was actually up my nose." "You're insane!" "But you might also be brilliant." "Hello." "George Shapiro here." "Uh... yeah!" "Is this George Shapiro?" " Yeah, speaking." " Speaking!" "Reeking, seeking, creaking." "Freaking!" "Big freaking deal!" "Tell me something I don't know, toadstool!" "Can I help you with something?" "Yeah, you can stay away from Andy Kaufman, if you know what's good for you." " Crankshaft!" " Who is this?" "Do not twist my noodle, toy poodle!" "This is Tony Clifton, a name to respect, a name to fear!" "Kaufman is a lying bastard." "He is a psychopath!" "Now slowly open your eyes." "You should feel rested, relaxed and alert." "Uh, I would like to thank you, Your Holiness." "My heart is radiating pure energy." " Okay..." " Oh, no." "Wait." "Wait." "Uh..." "I'm sorry." "Uh, I have a question." "Is there..." "Is there a secret to being funny?" "Yes." "Silence." "Welcome back to Saturday Night Live." "And now, as a special treat on our first show, musical guest Andy Kaufman!" "What's wrong with this guy?" "This is dead air." "Mr. Trouble never hangs around" "When he hears this mighty sound" "Here I come to save the day" "That means that Mighty Mouse is on his way" "Yes, sir, when there is a wrong to right" "Mighty Mouse will join the fight" "On the sea or on the land" "He gets the situation well in hand" "So though we are in danger we never despair" "'Cause we know that where there's danger he is there" "He is there on the land, on the sea" "In the air" "We're not worrying at all" "We're just listening for his call" "Here I come to save the day" "That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way" " Mr. Kaufman?" " Hmm?" "Oh." "Hi." "Right this way, please." " Okay." " George is expecting you." "Hey, Andy." "Hey." " Thanks for coming out." " Oh, thank you, George." " Come on, sit down." " Um, oh." " Wow, they're..." "Which one?" " Either one." " They're both red." " Yeah." "This one, I guess." " So did you have a nice flight?" " I did." "I had a really good flight, and the stewardess was very, very nice." "And she allowed me to keep my headphones." " Oh, that's terrific!" " Yep." "Mm-hmm." "Andy, I got something better." " You do?" " Yeah." "This is big." "Okay." " Okay?" " Okay." "You are getting a once-in-a-lifetime, very lucrative opportunity... to star on a prime time network sitcom!" " A sitcom?" " Yeah." "And this is a class act." "It all takes place in a taxi stand." "And you're gonna be the Fonzie." "I'm..." "Fonzie?" "No, no, no, no, no, no." "No, no." "The Fonzie, the crazy, breakout character... who all the kids imitate, and they put him on the lunch boxes." " I hate sitcoms, George." "I've never liked them." " Hold on." " These guys have seen your foreign man character." " Yeah?" "And they wanna turn him... into a lovable, goofy mechanic... named..." "Latka." " Uh, no." " No?" " No." " No to which part?" "No to the whole thing." "It doesn't sound good to me." " Andy, this is every comedian's dream!" " I'm not a comedian." "And sitcoms are the lowest form of entertainment." "I mean, it's just... stupid jokes and canned laughter!" "And you don't know why it's there, but it's there." "It's dead people laughing." "Did you know that?" "Those people are dead!" "This is..." "This is classy." "I don't care." "I wanna generate my-my own material." "Look, listen." "Listen to me." "Look, I've been in this business for 20 years!" "I know." "I've seen this!" "I know this." "If you pass up this opportunity, you will never, never see another one like it again." "Never!" "Yeah." " Okay." "I'll do it." " Ah." " But I have some terms." " Oh, sure." "That's..." "That's what negotiations are all about." " What are you doing?" " I'm writing out my terms." "Wh..." "What, are you making fun of me?" " Those are my terms." " Th-This is ridiculous." "It's what I need." "It's what I need to do the show." "Wh-What is this?" "It says, "Four guaranteed guest spots for Tony Clifton"." " Who's Tony Clifton?" " He's a Vegas lounge singer." "And, um, I used to do impressions of him, and we sort of got into a fight over it." " This Clifton called me." " He did?" " He's a loon!" "He hates you." " No, no, no." "He just talks tough, but I owe him." "And if I'm the new Fonz, then ABC is just gonna have to..." "give me what I want!" "Hey!" "Mr. Kaufman will only appear in half the episodes of Taxi." "Mr. Kaufman requires an undisturbed 90 minutes of meditation prior to filming." "Uh, Mr. Kaufman gets his own network special." "And, uh, Taxi must guarantee... four guest appearances for Tony Clifton." "Who?" "Who?" "Tony Clifton." "Who the hell is Tony Clifton?" "Uh..." "I don't know." "And now..." "And now... now Mama Rivoli's is proud to present... an international singing sensation!" "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Clifton!" "Ha!" "Come on." "All right, all right!" "Ladies and gentlemen, uh, due to Mr. Clifton's vocal constraints, out of respect for him, he asks that if you please extinguish... your smoking material, your cigars and cigarettes." "Goddamn!" "I paid ten bucks for that cigar!" "Uh, I'm sorry." " Is he joking?" " And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Entertainment," "Tony Clifton!" "What does he think he's doing?" "Vo lare, whoa" "Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wantare whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" "No wonder my happy heart sings" "Your love has given me wings" "I got the wings of a dove" "I got the wings" "I got the chicken wings from Kentucky Fried..." "Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-di!" "Stick a-a needle in your eye!" " Oh, my God." " Let's get somethin' straight, people." "I play big showrooms in Vegas." "I need this place like I need a shotgun blast to the face!" "Now, let's go do wn andmeet some ofthe audience." "All right." "How are you all doin'?" "Where you from?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Whoa!" "Somebody's wearin' a lot of perfume around here!" "Must be that time of the month, huh?" "Yeah, I know all the tricks." "How are you doin'?" "You havin' a..." "You enjoying' that pasta carbonara?" "It appears that you are." "Whoops!" "Hey, look out!" "I think you sat in some cottage cheese." "Oh, pardon me." "That's your ass." "Aww!" "How you doin'?" "You enjoying' the show?" " Yeah." " Huh?" " Yeah." " What's your name?" "Bob." "Bob!" "Bo-o-ob!" "Bo-o-ob!" "Bo-o-ob!" " What's your last name?" "Up and down in the water?" " Ugh." "Huh?" "Gorsky." " Gorsky?" "That Polish?" " Yeah." "You tryin' to do some Polish humor?" " No, that's, uh..." " Shut up!" " That's just my name." " Shut up!" "I do not appreciate, uh, racial slurs!" "I think them dumb Polacks been ridiculed enough." "I do a clean show here." "You wanna see some humor?" "Here's some humor right here." "Sit down and enjoy that, okay?" "And you..." "Shapiro!" "I'll see you backstage, baldy." "Vo lare" "What do you want?" "Just a little friendly conversation, George." "You hungry?" "You look thin!" "You..." "Italiano, cacciatore scallopini, pasta fazool" "I don't understand this act." "It's good, old-fashioned entertainment, George." "Everyone loves a villain." " What about that poor schlub you humiliated?" " Hey, man, excellent show." " That was a great show." " Yeah, good show for you." "Um, George." "This is, uh, my writer and old friend Bob Zmuda." "Hey, George." "How are you?" "I'm Bob." " He's very creative." " Yes." " I am the brains behind this operation." " Dream on." "He once faked a lion escaping from the Chicago Zoo." "This was fantastic, George." "We got 40 actors tearing' through the zoo, they're all screamin'." " Closed the place down." " "There's a fuckin' lion, man!" "A lion!"" "Your name's not Gorsky." "Don't believe everything you hear, George." "This cannot leave this room." "Do not write this down, okay?" "Tony Clifton is Andy Kaufman." "And Andy Kaufman is Tony Clifton." "They'll deny it up and down, but believe me, it's true." "This is great business." "You get two Andy Kaufmans for the price of one." " Andy." "Andy." " What's up?" "They said yes." "You're gettin' everything." "Everything!" "Bonus." " Whatever you want." " Bonus!" "Thank you very much." " It was so good." " I have to do Taxi, though, right?" " You gotta do Taxi." " Okay." "Party time for Latka?" " Not until you take off those overalls." " This is a good party." "No, no, Latka!" "Listen to me." "Listen to me." "There's a drug in those cookies." "No!" "No." "No!" "Bed?" "I have never been so emotional... in all my life." "And this is for my mother, and this is for my father!" "And this is for my grand father!" "I hope you have a small family." " Ohh!" " Whee-ooh!" " Thank you very much." " Thank you very much." " Thank you very much." "Thank you very much!" " I'm gonna quit." " What?" "Every show is worse than the last one." "Forty million people are watching your ass every week, Kaufman." " What do they know?" " Absolutely nothing!" "And that's the beauty." "Man, look, it's credibility." "You make them love you now, and then later on, on your special, you can fuck with their heads." "The sky is the limit, man." "Oh, yeah?" "I don't care!" "Sir, there 's a problem down on the Kaufman special." " They say he's not following the technical requirements." " Technical?" "Thanks for coming on my show." "Thanks for having me on your show, Andy." " Right now, roll it!" " No." "It's my special!" "I have creative control." "Now roll it!" " No!" " Do it, man!" " Hey, Andy!" "Hi." " Be careful, please." "Only positive energy allowed beyond this point." "I've been hearing fabulous things about the special." "What, did we hit a little speed bump?" "Mm-hmm, and his name is Colin." "Kid Genius told me to mess with the vertical hold." " Show me." " Show him." "Show him, Colin." "Thanks for having me on your show, Andy." "Boy, it sure..." "It'll be great." "People will think their TV is broken." "They'll get out of their chairs, walk over to the TV, twist the knobs, call the TV store." ""I paid a lot of money for that TV!"" "They'll bang on the television, but they won't be able to fix it!" "Andy." "Andy." "We don't want the viewers to get out of their chairs." "But it's funny." "It's a practical joke." "The viewer must be able to see the program." "But..." "But it's only gonna be for 30 seconds." " Five." " Twenty." "Ten." "Deal." " Okay, Andy." "Ten seconds, huh?" " Ten seconds, okay." " Okay." " Okay." " Ten seconds is all I really wanted." " Ten seconds is perfect." "You know, Howdy, I've been watching you since I was a little boy." "I didn't even know what television was." "Oh, look at how cute he is, huh?" "Isn't this great?" " That is so moving." " You're as real as anyone else on the show." "And I love you." "I really do." "This is not funny." "This is artsy-fartsy shit." "I mean, what..." "This is the magical part of the show." "The show's not all like this." "It's hysterical." "It gets very funny." "For Christ's sakes, we're the number one network." "Can't we afford a decent TV?" "No, no, no, th-that's part of the show." " This is part of the show?" " Yes." "What do you mean, it's part of the show?" "That's the way Andy wants it, with the rolling." "Thanks, Andy." "I love you too." "Tell Kaufman this network will never air this program." "Hey, that's Andy Kaufman." "Do you wanna bet?" "Hey." "Hey." "Hey, excuse me." "Are you Andy Kaufman?" "I get that all the time." "Andy." "This is ridiculous." "Take off that apron." "No." "I'd rather work here than at ABC." " Ah, I'm sorry." "They're a bunch of assholes." " Yeah." "We work in a creative business." "There's no telling what people are gonna like or dislike." "The only reason why I did Taxi..." "the only reason... was so that I could have my own special." "I know." "I'll tell you what." "Let me book you some colleges now, and then I'll take the special around." "I'll show it to people and see if anybody wants to buy it." "We'll have a garage sale." "No, I'm over and out." " You know, you're not over and out." " I am over and out." " You can't be over and out." " I'll show you over and out." "You've got a deal with ABC." "You've gotta honor it." "All right." "How much longer's left on my contract?" "You signed for five years, so... four years and seven months." "Thank you." "It's really great to be here." "We're gonna have a great show tonight." "Really good one!" "We're gonna..." "We're gonna start by singing some songs." " Do Latka!" " Yeah, Latka!" "Come on, Latka!" "Latka!" "Latka!" "Latka!" " Latka!" "Latka!" " Excuse me for one second." " I saw that." " What?" " Give me the book." " What book?" "No, I'm not going to give you the book." " Is something wrong?" " No, everything's okay." "Fine." " Can I squeeze your nuts?" "Thanks." " Ohh!" "They're askin' for it." "Ladies and gentlemen, since you're such a... special audience..." "Yeah!" "I'm going to reveal for the very first time, ever, the real me." "That's right." "Ahem." "I'm actually British." "And though I dabble in clowning, I do find it so boorish, so..." "American." "I prefer the fine arts, henceforth, today..." "I am going to grace you with a reading... of one of the greatest novels ever written," "The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald." "Please." ""In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since." "'Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,' he told me," " Latka!" " 'just remember that all the people of this world..." " Latka!" " haven't had the advantages that you've had.'" "But he'd always been unusually communicative in a reserved way, and I understood that he meant... a great deal more than that"." "Thank you very much." "Yeah!" ""In consequence," "I'm inclined to reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me... and also made me the victim of not a few veteran bores"." " Oh, come on!" " No, no." "No, no." "No, no, please keep it down." "We've got a long way to go." ""They were the same people, or at least the same sort of people, the same profusion of..."" "I tell you what." "Would you rather I kept reading, or do you prefer to hear the phonograph record?" "Record!" " I'm sorry." "I can't hear you." " Record!" " Are you positive?" " Yeah!" " Very well then." " Yeah, "Mighty Mouse"!" ""His presence gave the evening it's quality of oppressiveness." "It stands out in my memory from Gatsby's other parties that summer"." "The green light, the orgiastic future... that year by year recedes before us." "Tomorrow..." "Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch our arms out further, and one fine morning, so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly... into the past"." "The end." "All right!" "You wanna play Arizona State?" "You give 'em Mighty Mouse." "You give 'em Elvis." " I gave them The Great Gatsby." " Yes." " F. Scott Fitzgerald's best work." " A classic." " His finest piece of work." " I don't care." "Andy." "Andy, you have to look inside and ask this question." "Who are you trying to entertain?" "The audience or yourself?" "Excuse me." "Ah." " Bob." "Bob, I'm..." " What, George?" "I'm worried about Andy." "This is not good." "His stress level is affecting his work." "Calm down, George." "That's not gonna help anything." "Look, uh," "Tony Clifton is gonna go on Taxi next week." "That should, uh, let him blow off steam and relieve the stress." " Bob, Bob, Bob." " Okay?" "Andy needs to relax." "This is your job." " You have to take him away from all of this." " My job." " Would you come on?" " Okay." "Sh..." " Hi." "How are you doin' today?" " Fine." " Hello." "Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " How are you?" " Peachy." "Oh." "Yeah" " What do..." "What do we do now?" " Now you pick." "But what if I..." "hurt somebody's feelings?" "For Christ's sake, you're not gonna hurt anybody's feelings." "They're..." "They're all professionals." "All right?" "Okay." "All right." "Which one?" "I will have both!" "I will have this fraulein und the one with the big strudels." "Mach schnell, mach schnell!" "Oh, no." "Zmuda, I'm gonna kill you." "Excellent choice." " Hi." " Hi." "Are you having a good day?" "It's kind of a big day." "It's my buddy's first time with a prostitute." "What are you talkin' about?" "Andy comes here almost every weekend." "Who, Andy?" "Oh, he doesn't always call himself that." "Sometimes he's Tony, and he wears a tux." " Yeah" " Oh, ho!" "Hey, um, if... if I gave you both... three hundred dollars, would you, um," "come to Hollywood and help me destroy a TV show?" "Five hundred." "What am I, Harry Houdini, huh?" "Oh, we busted through." "Come on, girls." "Welcome to the Follies "Bree-gere"." " Okay, here's the man." "Tony Clifton." " Taxi, laxy." " Just the factsy, Maxie." " Hi." "Hey, hot shot." "How you doin'?" " Ed Weinberger." " Take a hike!" "Okay, all right, huh?" "All right." " What are we doin', huh?" " Here's your script, uh, Tony." " That's the script I was given?" " Yeah." "That's the one I have to do?" "Okay, let me see." "Okay, bullshit, bullshit, my line." "Bullshit, bullshit, my line." "Ohh!" "Ha-ha!" "That's hilarious!" "That is hilarious!" "I reviewed that script last night and I was not satisfied." " Yeah, well..." " I was not satisfied." " Why don't we..." " So I made a few changes." "I stayed up all night with these sweet ladies right here." "This is Lemonade." " That'll keep you going on a hot day." " Can we get to work?" "And this is Melonia." "How's my little produce department?" "Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk." "This is the new Taxi theme song." "Oh, yes we drive a taxi" "Aaaah!" "Aaaah!" "Aah-aah-aah-aah-ahh!" "George." "Now, I can't afford to blow this whole episode, so... we have to let him go." "I'm not sure how Andy's gonna take this." "We'll just have to go down and tell him." "But that's Tony down there." "It's not Andy." "I don't give a fuck who that is." "I'm gonna fire him." "Okay." "All right." "But we better warn Andy first." "He's up in San Francisco doin' a concert." "I'll call my secretary." "Diane, this is George." " I'm trying to reach Andy up in San Francisco." " Okay." " I'll patch you through." " I'll wait." " Hello." " Andy, I'm gonna put you on the speaker." " Hello, Andy." "Hi." " Hello?" " I'm here with Ed over at Taxi." " Hi, Ed." " Hi, Andy." " How are you?" " I'm fine." " Good." " Andy, there's been some trouble with Tony." " Oh, no." "Did..." "Did he get hurt?" " No." " Andy, it's nothing like..." "No." " Did he hurt someone else?" " No, no." "It's not that." "Andy, uh, the reason I'm calling you like this... is I have the utmost respect for your artistry." "Well, may I say that I've always appreciated that, Ed." "Thank you, but you see, in this instance, um," "I have to ask your permission to fire Tony." "Oh, my." "George, this is gonna kill Tony." " He's waited for this his whole life." " There'll be other shots." "Yeah, we have to do this." "He's just a terrible actor." "Okay, but please, let him down gently." "Trust us." "Fuck you!" "I'm not goin'!" "We had a deal." "I don't know who you talked to." "I didn't talk to anybody." " You must have talked to someone else!" " I was talkin' to Andy Kaufman!" " I don't know no Andy Kaufman!" " Okay." "Security, get in here!" "Security!" "Don't hurt him!" " He's a talented man!" " I don't want any pictures leaving this set." "Hey, give me that!" "This is Zmuda!" "He's one of 'em!" " You guys ever go to Vegas," " Yeah, yeah." "you're not gettin' in!" "Hey, come back!" "Give me the camera!" "Come here!" " Give me the camera!" " What?" "I got 20 bucks says you work for me now!" "I would like to use the phone!" " Not on the lot, sir." " How 'bout a bathroom?" "I may have shit my pants." " Drink of water?" "Aspirin?" " Nope." " Moist towelette?" " No." "In that case, it has been an honor." ""Good-bee"!" "This is great!" "This is too much, man." "It makes Tony real, gives him three dimensions." "It's good for his career, George." "Oh, really?" "You wanna book Tony Clifton at Harrah's Tahoe." "I know the college kids really like Andy Kaufman." "No, no, no." "Look, Gene, let me be really clear about this." "If you book Tony, do not expect to get Andy." "Yeah, yeah, well, I'll take my chances, all right?" "All right." "Be my guest." "Book him." "Shut up!" "Shut the hell up, all of ya!" "You make one more sound, I'll come down there and put your frickin' head in the soup!" "Whew." "When I go like this, it means I expect total silence!" "There is an artiste on stage." "That's better." "Oh, whether I'm right" "Or whether I'm wrong" "Oh, whether I find a place in this world" "Or never belong" "I've got to be me" "I've gotta be me" "Willing to try to do it or die" "Yaah!" "Hah!" "Aah!" "What?" "Thank you very much!" "Thank you." "I do all my own stunts." "I've got to be" "Eeee" "Eeee-eee" "What the hell's goin' on?" "Kaufman?" "Kaufman's crappin' on my act!" "Where's it say Kaufman's in the act?" " May I borrow this for a second?" " Oh, no." "No!" "Ah, now you are all wet, huh?" "You look like you could use a little drink up there." "Why don't you go on, get out of here!" "Why don't you just take off, Kaufman!" "Get out of here, little drummer boy!" "Stay!" " I've got to be" " Don't leave, Andy!" "Come back!" " Go home!" " Volare" "Whoa-oh" "Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa wantare" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" "Uhh!" "Ah!" "Jesus Christ." "Close the goddamn door." "Close it!" "Oh." "Look at you." "You're so proud." "You're like some stupid kid who comes home from school..." ""Look, Dad, I got an 'F.'"" "But wasn't it funny?" ""Yes, it was funny, Andy." "It was"." "Yes, it was funny for a little while, until the audience realized that Tony wasn't you." "Oh." "Mmm." "Ohhh!" "So what do you have here?" "A big, elaborate joke that's only funny to two people in the universe... you and you." "Yeah, sure, George, yeah, and we happen to think that it's hilarious." "But what's the point?" "What is the point?" "It's fun, George!" "How is this gonna make you the biggest star in the world?" "George... at this point the audience expects me to completely shock them all the time." "But short of faking my own death or setting the theater on fire," "I don't know what else to do." "'Cause I've always gotta be one step ahead of them." "Whoa-ohh!" "It's like ballet." "Whoa!" "Did you see that?" "Bam!" "...dropped to the canvas..." "These guys are brilliant." "I wanna be a bad guy wrestler in the worst way." "I hate to break it to you, but the problem here is you don't have the build for it." "These guys are huge." "They would kick your ass." "Maybe I can pick on someone a little smaller than me." "No, no." "Women are superior to men in many ways." "That's right." "When it comes to cooking, cleaning, washing potatoes, scrubbing the carrots, making the babies, mopping the floors, they have it all over men." "But when it comes to wrestling..." "Shut up!" "Be quiet when a man is talking!" "If there is a woman here tonight who can come up here and prove me wrong," "I will shut my mouth and pay her $500." "I can do it!" "Right here!" "First come, first served!" "Come on!" "You wanna take me?" "Come on up here." " What's your name, sweetheart?" " Lynne." "Lynne." "We got Lynne as a volunteer." " Lynne, sweetheart, pay attention." " You're pathetic!" "We'll see about that, Suzy Q" "I want no kicking, biting, scratching, head butts." "Do you understand?" " Why?" "He's gonna play fair?" " lam not concerned with him." " He is a professional." " It's up to you to pin me." " Yes, I understand." " Very good." "Could we please shake hands." "Oooh!" "Come out wrestling when you hear the bell." "You see?" "You see this?" "Yeah!" "Whoa!" "Hey, no choke holds!" "I told you!" "Yeah!" "Come on!" "Oww!" "I said, break it up, Kaufman!" " First warning!" " For what?" "You pulled her hair!" "You won't be getting a second warning!" "Shut up!" "I am the champion!" "No woman can beat..." " Ohh!" " Ohh!" " Come on!" "Ohh!" "One!" "Two!" "Three!" "That is it!" "It is over!" "It is over!" "That is it!" "You are out!" "You are down!" "The winner and undisputed intergender wrestling champion of the world," "Andy Kaufman!" "I am the winner!" "I've got the brains!" " Ma'am, here is your complimentary photo of Merv." " Thank you." " And your Turtle Wax." " I don't want Turtle Wax." "Every guest of Merv takes Turtle Wax." " And here is your gift voucher to Red Lobster." " Thank you so much." "Hey, hey, hey." "I just wanted to thank you for doing such a great job." " I really appreciate it." " Don't patronize me." " Wait, wait." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." " What?" "I hope you don't take everything I did in there seriously." "It's just part of the show." "It's like the old days of the carnival barker... when he'd get the crowd all riled up." "So you just pretend to be an asshole?" "That's what I'm good at." "Yeah, you are." "You are really, really good at it." "You are." "Merv Griffin got 2,000 pieces of hate mail." "Don't make me laugh, George." "Andy, Merv does not get hate mail." "That means we're a success." "Oh." "We got the room all worked up, like punk rock." "They detest you." "The next time you make an appearance, women are gonna picket." "Do you think so?" "Yes, because you have not given them any clues that this is a parody." "That's because I've only done it once." "They'll get used to it." "Because I'm gonna do it again and again... and again and again and again and again..." "Oh, Rose Marie" "I love you" "I'm always dreaming" "Of you"