"Asking a comedian to improvise an entire stand-up set is like asking a magician to do actual magic." "House is open." "Nobody has any idea what's on their set list, right?" "ALL:" "No." "No, that's correct." "You get the topics one at a time, audience sees 'em same time you do." "Ah!" "(Laughter)" "(Laughs)" "(Grunts)" "As long as you're hilarious, nothing can go wrong." "Can you believe I'm actually doing this?" "I wanna go up again." "I wanna go up right now." "Oh, God!" "(Laughter)" "(Applause)" "This is not making any sense at all." "So many ways to go and all of them are wrong." "Set List makes me appreciate myself." "Welcome to Mill Valley." "It is a small town but we're happy here." "Every you go see a stand-up comedian, you're seeing material that's been honed and perfected, and none of that happens here tonight at Set List." "(Laughter)" "It makes me feel like a really new comic again - that's what gets me." "I have the nerves and the excitement and the energy that I did in my first 50 gigs where everything's unknown, you don't know what works." "It's, like, it's as pure as comedy can be and you must go with the first thought that comes into your head." "I like the fact you made the stage into an extreme comedy like Ultimate Fighting." "Welcome!" "It's horribly intimidating and frightening for the comedians." "They're doing it because of love for the art and the craft and that moment of creation which is stunning." "Why do we do this?" "I think because we can, because it's out there, because it's pushing the envelope." "So, nobody here knows what's on their list - that correct?" "This is going against what I was taught!" "Is that on camera?" "I hope so." "It's going against what I was taught." "I come from good stock." "(Laughter)" "I'm, like, 'Well, will I have it tonight?" "Will I have it?" "'" "Guys, pay attention to the journey all these comics are on." "It's not about the destination - it's about how to get there." "Every Set List I've done," "I always come up against my own limits." "Will you please welcome the brand-new, never-before-seen set list... ..of Eddie Pepitone." "(Cheering and applause)" "I start off strong on a premise, and then sometimes I'll be, like, 'Where the hell am I?" "'" "I'll say, 'Screw it, I gotta go for it even more.'" "Good evening." "(Cheering and applause)" "Alright." "I'll tell ya something..." "it is not easy being an action star." "OK?" "It is not easy." "I myself don't get any action, OK?" "No!" "No!" "They do anything - it's all tricks and mirrors." "And fuck you people to the left." "No, I don't enjoy that!" "I don't enjoy that." "This is my crowd." "This is bullshit." "And I don't mean to make you feel bad about that." "You're OK because you're kind of in some kind of sightline." "But there's..." "And it's not to come out, you fucks!" "But these cock-sucking action stars..." "Look." "Look." "Look." "If you're in romantic comedies there's a certain prayer." "It's, 'God, I wish the fucking script was better.'" "That's the prayer there." "And action stars, nobody really watches what an action star does, because they're just constantly going," "'Give me that fucking thing!" "' That's all..." "Isn't that it?" "That's all they do." "It's, like, 'Where is the fucking thing?" "!" "'" "And I laugh at it because I just came up with it." "This type of forum" " Set List - makes me appreciate myself." "Anyway..." "(Chuckles)" "..I don't mean..." "No, I didn't do it." "Fuck these people." "But I..." "It's just their prayer." "An action star's prayer is, like," "'God, please, my knees have been hurting for years." "They've done a lot of work on me, so I can continue to do these movies that have no plot!" "'" "They really don't - they have no plot." "Sorry I've been yelling, I just, um..." "I'm a little wound up." "OK." "That was good to get out of the gates." "I got..." "I got one under my belt and, uh..." "I... (Cheering and applause) You're a great crowd." "(Chuckles)" "The Bacon Channel, of course, is something that's filmed in a hospital... in, like, a cardiology ward." "I swear to God, the one thing that is fucked up about the Bacon Channel is that the grease keeps hitting the fucking camera." "You know those little fucking grease balls that comes... (Shrieks) You ever fucking cooked bac..." "And that's the thing - the cameramen on these food channels have to be so zoomed into the bacon, and they're always, like, 'Fuck!" "Fuck!" "Fuck!" "'" "Just little bits..." "Little bits of oil." "And I can see the CEOs on the Bacon Channel, they're, like, 'We gotta fix this fucking oil problem!" "Somebody get an oil that doesn't splatter!" "'" "And you can always tell someone who works at the Bacon Channel - they have little fucking red marks." "Everybody's going, 'You know, Bob, it's starting to go down.'" "I like the Fakin' Bacon Channel, though." "Not real bacon - the shit that tastes like bacon but it doesn't give you a heart attack." "And I say, if you don't get a heart attack, it ain't bacon!" "That should be..." "That should be the phra..." "That should be the tagline." "'If you don't get a heart attack, it ain't bacon!" "'" "Pigs are one of the most intelligent animals." "You ever hear that?" "That is true - pigs are intelligent." "And we kill 'em!" "And we make bacon because it tastes good." "'We're the fucking Bacon Channel!" "We got red welts all over ourselves for you people.'" "(Cheering and applause)" "(Chuckles)" "Ha." "It is true that zookeepers definitely are psychotic." "I mean, they really are." "(Chuckles)" "It's just, like, they're always talking to animals." "Now, I love animals, and I'm sure you sensed that from the last topic where I slipped in the bit about pigs being intelligent!" "And it's also... it's also a horrible thing, I think..." "You fucks." "Now they're passing wine back and forth." "It's a bacchanalian fucked-up sightline of a section." "But it's too..." "The extremes are too much in a zoo." "I mean, they're throwing steaks to lions and then they're feeding little parrots seeds." "That's too much of an extreme, it's not natural." "So these people have to let off steam, tweeting." "When you're going from steak to seed, you have to go online." "And they're tweets, they're so sad." "It's, like, you know, a typical zookeeper tweet is," "'Mr Peepers..." "..tried to suck my dick." "But I can't let him because of the surveillance cameras." "Frowny face.'" "Send!" "Very lonely." "That's my time!" "(Cheering and applause)" "It was very intense." "It makes you kinda have to trust your own, you know, crazy mind." "WOMAN:" "Eddie Pepitone, everybody." "Eddie Pepitone." "Thank you, everybody." "I owe it all to the crudites." "You really feel like you're completely naked and completely vulnerable." "I love that you just embrace the illogical." "You fucking embrace. (Laughs)" "It's me next, right?" "WOMAN:" "Yeah, you're next." "I was so completely calm until about 20 seconds ago." "Will you welcome our next fearless Set Lister," "Mr Matt Kirshen!" "(Cheering and applause)" "Butterflies are just going like crazy." "(Cheering and applause)" "Let's do this." "Have you ever, um..." "Have you wondered where homeless people get their dogs?" "(Applause)" "Do they start off with them, then become homeless, or... ..do they recruit them like Batman found Robin?" "'You don't anyone, I don't have anyone." "You've got a secret identity." "I hear voices." "Why don't you tag along with me?" "Why don't..." "You and me, we can fight crime." "Or just huddle together for warmth." "Either of those.'" "All I'm saying is if you're in the middle of committing a crime and it's intercepted by some kind of superhero with a small boy that looks suspiciously like a dog on a string..." "I'm not saying I know the exact identity, but I can narrow it down to one of a lot of unfortunate people." "I shouldn't have suddenly brought it down of the reality of the situation." "Way to go, Matt, in a comedy show." "Hey!" "Let's think about misfortune." "(Laughter, cheering and applause)" "Sorry to say what I just said, but I have a condition." "I have a condition whereby I think of something and I say it." "It's a condition that's shared by just me and every other comedian ever." "(Chuckles)" "(Applause)" "The condition has more than one name." "(Laughter)" "Oh, God, there's so many ways to go and all of them are wrong." "Everyone assumes Tourette's is people just, like, shouting out swear words - that's actually only... ..like, a small proportion of Tourette sufferers have that form." "Most of them, they'll have little ticks or they'll have little things they mutter or sometimes just repeat the last word of a sentence back." "You're gonna be pissed off if that's the one you get." "If you're gonna have that condition," "God it's a shame to not have the fun one." "You can't tell me that people that have Tourette's don't chuck in the occasional 'fuck' when it wasn't the condition." "'Cause every disability has its upside." "People with wheelchairs skip lines, blind people... touch things, uh..." "It's gotta be a pisser if you don't have the helpful Tourette's, you just get the one that's just kind of twitchy." "This is how I feel about life." "My jar of cyanide is half full." "Thanks a lot, you guys." "Cheers, thank you." "God, that was fun." "There were a couple of moments where I didn't..." "I had no idea where I was going, and I was gripping around, trying to find a foothold." "ANNOUNCER:" "Matt Kirshen!" "That was amazing." "Thank you so much." "It was everything." "It was just so fucking sweet, simple, but at the same time fucking wonderful." "Oh, thank you." "It was so fucking beautiful." "It was wonderful." "He was using his penis." "Do you know what I mean?" "It's disgusting." "I had to do it." "I realised that if I didn't go on stage," "I would be branded with, 'Pussy." "You wuss." "You fucking coward.'" "Would you please welcome the never-before-seen set list... ..of Robin Williams." "(Cheering and applause)" "I think it's that weird thing of because you wanna try and find that Jones, when you get an idea, when it works, you're pumped full of endorphins." "Thank you!" "There's a reason that Einstein looked like he just did a major hit of crack." "Our iPad for the visually impaired!" "It's really great to be here." "I don't know why I'm here." "I just thought my life was getting to be too much," "'Fuck drugs - let's just take it all out.'" "Many people have said, 'Hey, how can you do a self-inflicted lobotomy?" "'" "I don't think I did it that well." "What are the advantages of a lobotomy?" "I used to know." "(Laughter and applause)" "He's a grand inquisitor." "She's a Jewish schoolgirl." "(Laughter, cheering and applause)" "Let's watch the fun." "'You know what's crazy, Torque?" "You know, here I am, standing on a big pyre and you're about to set me on fire, and my father thinks we're just having a barbeque.'" "'Realise this, Hebraic slut!" "You'll burn!" "Burn in the name of the saviour above!" "'" "'I was hoping you'd crucify me, so I'll at least get my nails done.'" "'Shut up!" "'" "'You know what, it's very strange," "I now understand why that man took his life.'" "This is not making any sense at all." "(Laughter and applause)" "Hi, everybody." "Thank you for coming to our fundraiser." "First of all I wanna thank Eileen in Kansas for the metal detector." "Thank you." "This has been really lovely." "Come on up here." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "I wanna thank the person in Switzerland who sent me the Swiss Army hand." "Thank you." "Thank you for the recommendation 'Put up signs'." "And also," "'Put up signs in the language of the country that's mined.'" "SOUTH-EAST ASIAN ACCENT:" "Over a period of time..." "These are our Minefield Tuesday." "This a Minefield Tuesday." "We want to make a national holiday, and whoever sent us the package, we haven't opened it yet because we are scared." "(Laughter and applause)" "Crazy stuff." "'Wheezy, how are you doing?" "Creepy, get over here." "Wheezy, Gimpy..." "Gimpy?" "You signed a complaint form to the EPA about working with lead-based products, right?" "'" "'Yeah, I did." "It's bullshit." "We'd like to unionise, you know?" "This is insane.'" "'Listen all of you, fairytales don't have toxic waste, OK?" "Leery, come over here?" "'" "'Snow.'" "RUSSIAN ACCENT:" "'I want you all to know that's why we did this production in Chernobyl." "Snow White And The Seven Little Damaged People." "I know many of you have never seen a little person with three legs." "How sad for him, but he sits like a stool, he's happy.'" "Ladies and gentlemen, our competitors are about to begin." "Are we ready?" "They're at the starting line, and... (Laughter and applause)" "That's a record." "And now we're trying again." "Now this one is the swimming competition." "I'm sorry about last week's accident." "The narcoleptic diving obviously didn't go that well." "Judges are now about to give their scores." "(Applause)" "ITALIAN ACCENT:" "First of all I want to apologise... ..for that little thing that happened in Italy." "(Laughter and applause) It was a..." "Everybody said, 'Use the GPS, Carlo." "Use the GPS.'" "And I went, 'No, I want to go old school.'" "'I want to go the old days." "My father was related to Columbus.'" "I want to have a moment to say," "'Look, I've never seen that rock before.'" "I also want to apologise for the fact that I got off the boat before all of you." "How sad it was for me to go," "'Hey, the boat is sinking." "Wait, let me go onshore first to make sure everybody has a cab.'" "Sure, they say 'Go down with the ship' but the ship didn't sink, so what am I going to do?" "I tried standing like this for half an hour." "OK." "'I gotta go!" "I gotta leave all of you.'" "But I wish you..." "I send you this prayer of Santa Maria...'" "(Speaks in Italian language)" "'May you never sail with me again.'" "(Laughter and applause)" "(Speaks in Italian language)" "Thank you!" "I made it!" "Yeah, obviously I couldn't think of another dwarf name." "I can't think of another dwarf name, and your brain's going 'We don't know any names'." "Then you can't say 'dwarf'." "Oh, fuck." "Alright." "Wow." "Fucking, hey, that was fun." "I was asking Matt," "WOMAN: 'Will Robin do any of the suggestions in his own voice?" "'" "(Laughter)" "'Can ever talk as yourself?" "' 'Not here!" "'" "(Laughter)" "'Not when people are doing so well as themselves!" "'" "Afterwards your brain's going, 'I left ship for you.'" "It's just like a bad drug deal, like, 'No, seriously... ..that stuff you did up there?" "That's good but this is better." "I got lines for, like, hypochondriac dwarves and shit.'"