"I don't hear a baby crying She must still be in labor" "She's not giving birth, you nitwit" "She's taking a pregnancy test" "Here" "Sweet, maybe you should try it like the girl on the box" "She's--she's arching her back and throwing her arm up and smiling" "I can't do this with all of you listening!" "Oh..." " All right, we're moving" " We're in the kitchen now" " Ooh, such a long walk!" "So far!" "That's the worst fake moving I've ever heard!" "C'mon" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Don't get all cozy with me, Wilma!" "I'm still mad at you!" "You shoulda told me Stan was gettin' outta the hoosegow" "Hey" "Who knew he was gonna cut some deal with the Feds?" "The only reason I found out was" "I saw the full-page ad in the New York Times:" ""Welcome back, Stan Love, your friends at Pizza Hut."" "Wait... he didn't find out about your affair, did he?" "No" "Thank God my boobs are like arms" "I was able to distract Stan with one of them while the other one motioned for Lionel to get out the door!" "C'mon, Grace!" "You peed on everything else in that bathroom!" "Why don't you just put the stick at the bottom of the shower?" "Hey, Jack..." "C'mere" "Stop bothering me" "Jack, if there's somewhere else you need to be..." "Hey, what could possibly be more important than my best friends creating a new life?" "Oops, time to stalk Kevin Bacon!" "Kevin Bacon's stalker log 6 PM eastern stalker time" "My heart is racing and so am I" "Moving in for a closer look!" "Hmm, new plant in living room" "Must be gift from studio wooing "La Bacon" to do Hollow Man II" "Note to self" "See if I can get a job applying body makeup" "Satin!" "Soft!" "Manly!" "Must remember this for fantasy dream later!" " Honey, I got it!" " Abort!" "Abort!" "Abort!" "Kyra!" "Kyra!" "I gotta go... because my hair's almost dry and if it gets too dry then I can't put the gel in it" "Well, then it won't look good!" "And now it's too late and it's dry" "Thanks a lot" "Look, babe I--I gotta go" "I'm interviewing assistants!" "Hey, you're not the only busy one, okay?" "Yeah" "Guys?" "Come on in We'll do it in here" "I'll call you later" "Okay, I love you too" "Bye" "Look, um, uh" "I--I-- feel like I should tell ya" "I-I've never had a personal assistant before, okay?" "See, I've never bought into that whole Hollywood thing, you know?" "Premieres, limos paying people over minimum wage" "And it's not because I'm cheap, okay?" "It's just that I'm not Hollywood I'm in a band" "The Bacon Brothers!" "That's the name of his band!" "He's in a band It's called the Bacon Brothers" "Right Very good" "Very good You're right" "And by the way if anybody wants a CD there's a bunch of them in a shoebox on the dryer" "They're, uh, 12 bucks" "Please, sit" "So..." "I was thinkin' instead of doing some boring interview it might be better to kinda find out what you know about me" "I'm sorry, that sounds vain..." "me and my career" "First film-- Animal House!" "Character's name in Footloose-- Ren MacCormack!" "Number of films with full frontal nudity...four!" "Number of films with full sidal nudity...three!" "Number of films with rear frontal nudity... priceless!" "Wow..." " Impressive" " Thank you!" "The rest of you can go You know nothing about me" "I gotta see the result" "No!" "No, we've gotta wait for the timer" "This is such a huge moment!" "Two huge moments" "We finally found a use for the butter dish" "By the way, we're never using it again" "I can't wait, I'm looking" " No!" "No!" " Grace!" "I just" "Wow" "With my fashion sense and your freakish upper body strength this kid could take over the world!" "You ready?" " Yeah" " All right" "The doctor said that it doesn't always work the first time, right?" "That's right, that's right we'll try again in two weeks" "You know, when you're ovulating again" "Right" "It'll be fun" "I like ovulating" "You know, I guess I should stop eating for two" "Nah" "Why stop now?" "You've been doing it since you were 11" "Ok, now" "I gotta talk to you about something important, okay?" "Okay, um, should we maybe go out and do it in the street so people can see us together?" "And--and if it leads to a dance, so be it?" "Dude, dude let's get something straight, all right?" "I didn't hire you to be my pal" "You're just here to make sure the S.S. Bacon stays its course" "So, uh, we're not gonna dance?" "'Cause, uh you kind of implied in the interview there would be some dancin'" "No, I didn't!" "I did not!" "And would you stop bringing' that up please?" "Sit!" "This is serious" "This is gonna freak you out... but..." " I have a stalker" " No!" "Are you sure?" "Damn it!" "Kyra didn't believe me either!" "Why is it so hard for everyone to believe that I would have a stalker?" " Just--just find him for me, all right?" " Oh, I'll find me--him!" "And when I find him I am gonna stop me--him" "Okay" "But it's not gonna be easy" "This guy is slippery" "If I had a dollar for every time my jock strap had been stolen from the gym" "You'd have $186!" "It's just an expression!" "Karen... ya gotta put an end to it with Lionel" "I mean, a husband and a lover?" "I mean, when are you gonna find time to ignore your kids?" "I know!" "Honey, I've tried but every time I go to break up with him he flashes those pearly caps and I end up bent over the minibar" "End up?" "Isn't that where you started?" "So that's why I sent my number one goon there to break up with him for me" " Rosario?" " Yeah" "I kept her tied up outside without food for two days so she should be extra ornery" "Listen, honey, I'm gonna go grab some lunch with some of the other gals from the typing pool" "Oh!" "It's Zoey's birthday Fran made cupcakes" "Sheesh..." "Cupcakes!" "Friggin' nutbag" "Ca-ray-zy!" "Am I interrupting something?" "Oh...oh, no, um I was just, uh" " I--I" "I have an assistant and she's..." "And?" "do you see her now?" "Leo, why are you here?" "I just came by to apologize for putting my phone number in your wallet" "I--I--wouldn't have done that if I'd known your situation" "Pregnancy" "I can say that I'm...a doctor" "It's okay" "I don't think Emily Post covers leaving a note for a woman who's pregnant with her gay roommate's baby" "Oh, I--I didn't know he was gay" "I just thought he smelled better than most women" "Except you, I mean you--you smell fantastic" "Thank you it's Will's" "Anyway, um, I'm-- I'm not pregnant" " It didn't take" " Oh." "I'm really sorry" "It's okay" "Well, in that case maybe this would be a good time to ask you something" "Unbelievable!" "I can't believe that you are hitting on me again!" "I'm not hitting you, conceited!" "I--I just--you know wanted to know if you'd, uh decorate my office" "I-I'm serious, I just wanted to liven up my office a little bit with some of this stuff you know, like this" "This--this kinda stuff" "A couple a these, you know like--like this...weirdness" "Does this come in a couch?" "Because, I tell ya, it's very" " Ok, give that!" " I like..." "Hey, hey, hey!" "You put that down and" " You just give" " Let me have this!" " No, let" " Give it to me!" "Hey!" "I usually don't have to work this hard, you know" "I have a nice job" "And I'm pretty much gonna have this hair until I'm 80" "What do you think?" "I... just can't right now" "So... that means that you have to go now" "I don't have to go I've got a transplant at 2:30" " But the kidney's in the cooler, so, I" " Okay, good-bye" "Hold my hand" "What?" "C'mon, hold my hand" "All right" "Look at that" "That should be me" "I can't believe we didn't get pregnant" "Yeah" "Maybe my swimmers just weren't ready for the responsibility" "I mean, all they ever had to do before was just jump out and go" ""whoopee!"" "Or... maybe they're just a little shy and they need a little encouragement" "C'mon, let me help..." "Hey now, you're an all-star get your game on, go play" " Hey now, you're a rock star" " I can't believe in all the time I've known you that I've had to say this twice but my penis doesn't enjoy being sung to" " Kneel down!" " What are you" "I said I'd hold your hand but I draw the line" "No, we are stalking Kevin Bacon!" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Get in!" "I thought you were his assistant!" "It turns out he only needed an assistant to find the stalker" "If I stop stalking, he doesn't need an assistant" "So I had to re-stalk to keep my job and realize my dream of dancing with him in a cornfield" "Come on, catch up, slow mo!" "This is ridiculous!" "I swear if I had anything better to do with my life I'd be outta here like a shot!" "I left him a cardboard cutout of himself signed" ""Nice stalking' to ya."" "Let's tune in and see how he reacts" "Okay, okay" "All right, he's seeing it but he's not-- he's not moving!" "Oh, my God, it's like something flattened him!" "Perhaps you're looking at the cardboard cutout, dinkus" "Fel-low?" "Oh, hey, Kev" "Hey!" "What's that?" "Oh, you're breakin' up where are you?" "You're outside of your apartment?" "Huh, wh--?" "You're standing right next to me?" "What are you wearin'?" " What are you doing, man?" " I--um, I--I--I--I" "I found your stalker!" "There is a logical explanation for this" " And now you're touching me" " And now I'm touching you" "Karen, thanks for taking me out to dinner" "I was kind of hoping I'd have a little baby in here but I guess a little baby back ribs will do" "Well, honey it's like the old song goes... anyone deserves a free meal after having Will's sperm inside them" "I think that was from "You're a Gay Dad, Charlie Brown."" "Oh!" "Pull over right here, Driver!" "Rosie's comin' with" "She's up there breaking' up with Lionel for me so I thought I'd take her out too and get this supportive friend thing over with in one trip" " Hey" " Oh!" "honey, how'd it go?" " I couldn't do it" " What?" "What a man, what a man, what a man what a mighty good man!" "Oh, Ro-Ro, ya didn't!" "I did!" "I'm only a woman" "Well, half of you is" "Well, you leave me no choice" "I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and, uh send Grace in there to do it for me" " What?" "No way!" "I'm not breakin' up with him!" "I'm just here for the ribs and maybe some corn on the side" "This is your responsibility" "No, no, honey I can't!" "You don't know what it's like to turn away somebody who is irresistible!" "Don't I?" "I just met the perfect guy" "He's cute and smart and funny" "His worst qualities are that he's a Jewish doctor!" "But I made a promise to Will, so..." "I turned him down" " Is Will still gay?" " Yes" " Idiot" " Hey!" "No, no" "Grace is right" "We made commitments to our husbands" "Nothing's more important than that" "I'm just gonna have to march up there and tell Lionel" ""You're sleazy and shameless I hate that, and we're through!"" "You're sleazy and shameless!" "I like that, but we're through!" " You're my one true love!" " But you're not mine!" "I love Stan!" "Stan loves ham..." "ham I am!" "Good-bye!" "Round two" "Look, it's not me Okay?" "Jack's your stalker!" "I mean, after he saw you in Apollo 13 he went to every video store in Manhattan trying to find" "Apollo 1 through 12!" "Come on, hot shot" "There are no cops here, all right?" "It's just you and me Two regular joes" "Me...a Golden Globe nominee for The River Wild... and you a guy who just happened to be outside my apartment with binoculars" "Yes, I admit that looks bad but you've gotta believe me!" "I just..." "I don't care that much about you" "Oh, really?" "Then explain this!" "Go ahead, kiss it I know you want to!" "And by the way, the Golden Globe nom was a total surprise but it really meant something, you know 'cause it's not from your peers it's from the Hollywood Foreign Press" " It's not me!" " I think it is!" " I'm leaving!" " Please don't go!" "What?" "Stay!" "Come on, we'll-- we'll split a Shasta we'll--we'll bust open a box of Hydrox!" "Whatdya say, cap'n?" "I'm no expert, but shouldn't you be calling the police rather than offering me snacks and calling me "cap'n"?" "Look when the stalkers leave it's the first sign that your career is slipping" "It's a little tidbit I picked up from Val Kilmer" "You--you did a movie with Val Kilmer?" "No, but Val was in Top Gun with Tom Cruise and Tom was in A Few Good Men with me" "Huh, that was a short one" "Your fans are never gonna leave you you're a great actor" "You're lookin' good your hair's workin'" "You've got the waist of a 14-year-old girl..." "I mean, look at that, that's crazy!" "Oh, stop" "What--what--what-- what was your favorite Kevin Bacon performance?" "Oh, wow..." "I don't-- I don't know, I" " I loved you in Footloose" " Oh, yeah, you saw that?" "Yeah" "Any other faves?" "No, actually, that's the only one I liked" "But--but, I--I liked it a lot" "You know, I even, uh-- learned the dance, you know" " for our high school talent contest" " Did you win?" "Nah I got a nom" "But it meant a lot because it didn't come from my peers it came from the gay head of the drama department" "Could you, uh do it for me now?" "I don't know, it's kinda weird I don't even know if I remember it" "And besides there isn't even any, uh" "It's a little more arms" "Stop it!" "Enough!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "You shouldn't be dancing with him!" "He's not your stalker your stalker's still at large!" " But you fingered this guy!" " I did not!" "We were just holding hands!" "Your stalker's been throwing pebbles at your window for the last 15 minutes" "Or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud!" "You... you're my stalker" "I prefer the term "professional crazed fan."" "A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels in your Old Navy shirts!" "Go get yourself a new assistant!" "If you need me I'll be in your hamper" "Hey, man, I'm sorry I owe you an apology" "I don't know how I can make it up to you" "Five, six, seven, eight!" " Hey" " Hey" "What are you doin'?" "You would not believe the night I had" "Kevin Bacon caught me in the bushes outside his apartment and we ended up dancing together!" "I thought Jack was stalking him" "Yeah, he was but then I was for a little bit" "I can't wait to tell our kid that his dad danced with Kevin Bacon" "Well, that should save you the trouble of telling him you're gay" "Do you realize that in two weeks that kid could be on his way?" "Yeah" "Two weeks" "Ooh, I've gotta get over to Jack's Quicksilver's on WE" "Women's Entertainment Wheee!" "Leo, hey It's Grace Adler from the lamppost and the horse and the coffee shop and my office" "Listen, um... call me" "Excuse me, I'm working!" "Hey!" " Hi" " I.." "Uh.." "I thought you might be cold so I brought you some coco" " Thank you" " You're welcome" "That would be fifty cents" "I don't have any" "Too bad"