"This programme contains some strong language." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Alexander Armstrong." "In the news this week, following on from Sainsbury's and John Lewis," "Poundland unveil THEIR new Christmas advert." "In Padstow, as a restaurant owner is spotted on the beach, diners begin to suspect that their expensive fizzy water may not be San Pellegrino." "And just off the A54, it's a memorable first day for the AA's new trainee." "APPLAUSE" "On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and one of three co-hosts on The Last Leg, which celebrated the Paralympics." "According to the Scottish Herald, the three men clicked." "Well, that's prosthetic limbs for you." "Please welcome Josh Widdicombe!" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "And with Paul tonight is a feminist academic who once said, "Bras are a ludicrous invention."" "And out of respect to her, I'm not wearing mine this evening." "So please welcome Germaine Greer." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "And we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Paul and Germaine, have a look at this." "Oh, yes, this is Andrew Mitchell." "And there's David Mellor, who'll be using a lot of public transport in future, I imagine." "He can get a taxi if he disguises himself as two children." "Um, so, first of all, Andrew Mitchell was found guilty of calling a policeman an "effing pleb" because he wouldn't let him go through the main gates at 10 Downing Street." "And David Mellor was recorded by a taxi driver saying things like, "Don't you know who I am?"" "Yeah, they were very upset last week that the Labour Party had shown it was capable of being rude about working-class people, and it thought, "This week we're going to trump them!"" "The great thing about the Andrew Mitchell case is that the judge ruled that the policeman was too thick to make it up." ""Thank you, your honour."" ""I shall leave these premises without a stain on my character."" "Er, what did the judge actually say?" "He didn't have the wit or imagination?" "Or the invention to come up with it, so it had to be true." "The trial's been beset by unreliable witness accounts." "What did the copper Ian Richardson give as his excuse for not recording an official account of the incident, in 2012?" "He said he was too busy." "That's right." "He told the court:" "Mitchell's defence was, "Yes, I lost my temper," ""I used a whole load of four-letter words," ""but I didn't say, you were a pleb."" "Which is an odd defence." "Er.... and the policeman said, "Actually, you did say that one word,"" "and that's what it was all about." "It was essentially, it turned into a political thing about what the Tory party think about ordinary people." "And now we know what the judge thinks about..." "LAUGHTER ..plebs, cos there was no jury." "Is it cos you have to be tried by your peers and they couldn't find 12 plebs?" "But the judge said:" "What did Andrew Mitchell say about the ruling?" "He called the judge a pleb." "No, he said he was:" "GERMAINE:" "The problem is the Latin word." "The word plebs." "I mean, it's like one of Boris's funny little asides." "One of those little ancient, rubbery things he remembers from school." "LAUGHTER" "Is a pleb not what I thought it was?" "Plebs is just the Latin word for the common people." "Oh!" "Plebian." "I think I'm too much of a pleb to know what a pleb is!" "Exactly!" "But that's probably the judge's point." "Yes." "And..." "That I'm a pleb?" "!" "That seems very unnecessary, I wasn't even involved in the case!" "But you shouldn't be ashamed to be a pleb!" "I'm not a pleb!" "Which other toff had a tiff with some riff-raff this week?" "Er, David Mellor, as we saw there, was recording ranting at a taxi driver." "Yep." "He accused the taxi driver of ruining her day because his wife, I think, had just been awarded an OBE or whatever for services to tourism." ""Come to the land where David Mellor lives."" "Yes, Lady Penelope, and here she is." "LAUGHTER" "So when papers describe her as a model, they really are..." "Yes, they were on their way back from Buckingham Palace, as you said, and the brilliant thing about it is all the papers said, you know, there was Mellor shouting, "You've ruined her day!" Yes." "But actually, I went and read the transcript, and he says, "She just says, 'You've ruined my day.'"" "So actually, his wife had said to him, "You've ruined my day!"" "So he turned to the cabbie and said, "No, YOU'VE ruined her day!"" "Anyway, according to the Sun, Mellor called the taxi driver a:" "He added:" "GERMAINE:" "Ooh!" "Yeah." "And David Mellor helpfully reminded the cabbie of his credentials as a human being." ""Successful broadcaster, I used to be a Cabinet minister..."" "That'd do it!" "Cos all cabbies are Spurs fans." "LAUGHTER" "Am I wrong in thinking he was involved - this seems most unlikely - in some sex scandal?" "Back in 1992?" "Let's have a look - here is Antonia de Sancha, with..." "With Max Clifford!" "With Max Clifford." "JOSH:" "Is that what mobile phones used to look like?" "LAUGHTER" "But that's not why Mellor left the Cabinet." "He stayed on after that - the Tories were very forgiving in those days." "It's a very different atmosphere now." "He was eventually sacked for taking a free holiday from the daughter of the PLO's finance director." "But, you know, times change." "And nobody remembers that any more." "No." "I just hope no-one brings it up." "LAUGHTER" "Well, here's a rare photograph of Mellor and Antonia de Sancha together." "Courtesy of Spitting Image." "Nice to see they've found a use for that old Andrew Ridgeley doll." "The story was about toe-sucking in a Chelsea shirt." "I mean, I don't know if any of that was true, Clifford fed all this." "But he did run off with this actress and desert his poor wife Judith." "Is that the wife that was in the cab?" "GERMAINE:" "No, that's another one." "There's a new wife." "He's ruined someone else's fucking day, yeah." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "Ian, you were involved with Spitting Image back then, weren't you?" "I was, yeah." "JOSH:" "Is that your leg?" "We've got a rather lovely picture." "Yeah, that was my job." "You young blade of satire." "AUDIENCE:" "Aww." "LAUGHTER" "That was pity!" "Yeah." "Er, so, meanwhile, who spoke out against the mansion tax this week?" "Angelina Jolie." "She has." "Who speaks out about everything." "So she doesn't really want a house in England, cos of the mansion tax." "Is she serious?" "!" "Yeah, and then complain about paying possibly top whack £30,000." "What?" "Mansion tax." "That's it." "The average house in London makes that much money in increasing value every year anyway." "She wouldn't even notice it." "It's an extraordinary thing..." "And she's unbelievably rich." "And it does make you think, everything else you say must be rubbish." "APPLAUSE" "Just a whole load of people who can quite blatantly afford to pay £30,000 saying, "This is an outrage."" "It's a tax on the very rich, it is what it is and if very rich people say, "I don't want to pay it,"" "why do they have to dress it up as if it is a moral issue?" "It wasn't Angelina Jolie I was after, actually." "Really?" "Tell us, who else?" "Who else?" "Bill Oddie." "No!" "Yes, Bill Oddie." "I like Bill Oddie." "Mixing up Bill Oddie and Angelina Jolie!" "Anyway, so to try and move the news agenda on." "To prove they are still the party of the working class, what other front did Labour open up this week?" "Private schools, out of their enormous wealth, are going to have to actually combine with poorer schools and make a positive contribution to the community." "The basic principle is that the public schools have had a charitable status which saves them tax." "Hunt saying, why should they now?" "It seems to me quite reasonable." "I mean, even the headmasters are saying the only people who can afford these fees are Russian oligarchs." "Is that a charity?" "Educating the sons of Russian criminals?" "And it is unfair to say it is just oligarchs' children, there are Chinese Communist Party members as well." "Originally the schools were set up to educate poor children and provide excellence, and all the things they do that" "I am absolutely for, but we don't have to give them a tax break for it." "I think he's probably right." "So tax them." "APPLAUSE" "So how are they going to do it?" "They are going to share their teachers." "And their specialist classes and so forth." "They have specifically been told they need to play more sporting fixtures against state schools, not just against other private schools." "Turns out there is not a school in Peckham that has a polo team." ""Sorry, did our best."" "Yes, this is the news that Andrew Mitchell has lost his libel case against the Sun over the Plebgate incident." "Bob Geldof gave evidence about Mr Mitchell's character, though on reflection it was probably a mistake to ask him to swear on the Bible." "David Mellor was also caught up in a scandal this week, he accused a cabbie of ruining his wife's day." "Mellor ended the journey telling the cabbie... ..before adding, "Hang on, the missus is with me."" "So, Ian and Josh, take a look at this." "Theresa May." "And this is her fight against terror." "We're just going to leaflet people." "And say, "Don't be a terrorist." Is that what the leaflet says?" "That is what the leaflet says - "Terrorism, not for all."" "Do you know what the leaflet is actually saying?" "It is advice to the public." "Yes." "It says, run, hide, tell." "Theresa May is coming." "That is right, in the event of terrorism you should..." "It is not the boldest statement of British values, is it?" "It is not, "Once more unto the breach."" "What is Theresa May proposing?" "She has new anti-terror laws, what sort of things is she proposing?" "Schools, they are going to ban terrorism." "Off the curriculum completely." "It is often the curriculum." "It is a big step forward because at my school they banned conkers." "They are going to educate against radicalism, is that right?" "Yes, they are also looking at taking away citizenship of jihadists." "Yes." "Yes." "Two returning jihadists were sent to prison this week." "Did anyone see what they had been getting up to in Syria?" "They had been on a course." "They had, yes." "What was it, a sort of death awareness course?" "It's all measures that Theresa has announced this week." "She has announced a lot of things this week." "She was on Desert Island Discs." "She went on Desert Island Discs, people say, to help this idea that she is going to be the next leader of the Conservative Party." "She chose, Walk Like A Man because she said she didn't need to walk like a man." "She could do that with any song." ""I have chosen Turning Japanese cos I am not turning Japanese."" "Interesting." "So, Germaine, purposeful woman or pain in the arse?" "Or...?" "Are you talking about Theresa May?" "Well, I would hope that I was both a purposeful woman and a pain in the arse." "On regional issues, what have Scotland been given this week?" "Is it England?" "The power to set income tax levels." "Exactly right, yes." "How has this been made possible?" "I don't know, really, but I think it was a deal done with Gordon Brown." "Yes, Labour has made a U-turn and according to the Guardian, this meant that the three main parties edged closer to a deal with the SNP and..." "There's something you don't often see on a menu north of the border." "Finally, who has had enough of Westminster and is getting "oot"?" "Clue." "Mr Brown." "Was that your Scottish accent?" "Yes, it was!" "Very good." "Could you do a bit more?" "BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT:" "Aye!" "Why is he standing down now, just after his successful involvement in the referendum debate?" "Quit while you're ahead." "Exactly right." "According to The Times..." "Which is why it has taken him so long to resign." "Yes, this is the Government's plans to combat terrorism." "The Government advice for what to do if a Muslim with a beard sits next to you on the Tube remains the same." "Just shift uncomfortably and have a liberal crisis of conscience about changing carriage." "And if the threat of terror isn't enough to put you off using the underground, let me remind you," "David Mellor is going to be using it a lot more from now on." "APPLAUSE" "And so on to Round Two, The One-Armed Bandit Of News." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here comes the first piece." "BUZZER" "Ah, yes, Paul and Germaine." "People have discovered Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen isn't a real character." "Children have been very upset because he has been their favourite interior designer for many years." "No, this is one of these stories that comes up every year." "A magic kingdom of Santa opened up somewhere," "Nottingham or somewhere like that, and opened up a little bit early so when people got there, it wasn't really proper, it didn't look like a grotto or like Fairy Land." "Santa Claus was..." ""What do you want for Christmas?" It all went completely wrong but they are reopening and it might be better." "I think they opened too soon." "Yes, well, that's correct." "Do you know how much it cost to go into...?" "25 quid." "£22.50." "Oh, it's gone down." "It has gone down." "It's gone down." "This is the magical wonderland billed as the most amazing Christmas experience that planet earth has ever seen." "Ooh, that's harsh." "I think the baby Jesus would have a thing or two to say about that." "Not if he was a baby he wouldn't." "No..." "Um, how bad actually was it?" "The artificial snow wasn't there, it was all muddy..." "Yeah." "There'd been very bad weather." "The elves were all smoking." "Yeah." "Santa was drunk." "Mm." "Yeah." "Um, visibly." "That's quite Christmassy, that's normal." "Yeah..." "One of the reindeers bit one of the children." "Oh, now, that was made up, apparently." "Oh, was that bit made up?" "Of course it was made up!" "Is Max Clifford out?" "Yeah." "Here's a picture of Laurence promoting the event on the website." "There it is." "And here's what visitors faced when the gates opened last week..." "Ugh." "Oh, my God, it looks like one of those..." "It looks like a murder scene, doesn't it?" "Llewelyn-Bowen told Judith Woods, a journalist at the Telegraph..." "What was wrong with the presents they were given?" "They weren't even wrapped." "That's true." "According to the Star, one present given away to the children was..." "I think the same thing happens every year, doesn't it?" "Every blessed year." "You're quite right." "Is it always Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen?" "You can't mention his name in the grotto trade without people getting angry." "Yes, this is that familiar Christmas tradition - the botched, overpriced winter wonderland." "In Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's Magical Journey Wonderland," "Father Christmas tried to come down the chimney, but, unfortunately, the fireplace had been taken out and the wall knocked through to make a velvet-lined rococo-style brunch bar." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here is the next one." "BUZZER" "Ooh, yes, Ian and Josh." "Lamb chop in space." "Yes!" "Yep." "That's it - thank you." "Fingers on buzzers, next..." "No, lamb chop - what's the story behind the lamb chop in space?" "There was an author who's launched his book..." "Do you know what the book's called?" "JOSH AND PAUL:" "Lamb Chop In Space." "Meatspace, Meatspace." "And he's..." "He launched a lamb chop into space." "How?" "He removed its gravitational pull by really overcooking it." "Did he pump a sheep full of helium?" "A balloon full of helium, put the chop on a fork - and here it is." "Wow!" "Look, it stayed on the fork all the way." "Tell you what, you couldn't fake that kind of footage, could you?" "No." "No." "LAUGHTER" "So, it went up there with a GPS tracker, and then it just collapsed." "It comes to something when a lamb chop's had a better, more exciting life than you." "According to the Mail..." "No." "It would've burnt up in the earth's atmosphere." "Yes, well, apparently not." "No, no, apparently yes." "It's called science." "We know about this." "It landed in a field!" ""Look at this!" ""That must've been the lamb chop that was up there five months ago!"" "Well, you can imagine, headline writers, of course, sharpened their pencils and came up with a great number of spicy food puns in space - songs." "Dark Side of the Lamb Chop." "Mm-hm." "SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER" "It's a good one." "No, it wasn't as good as that." "Is that the..." "Is that the standard we're trying to aspire to?" "!" "I've got..." "I've got a lot..." "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Chop." "Good" " I pitched it low." "The Sun came up with..." "Whoa!" "Yes, this is the lamb chop that was filmed flying at 82,000 feet." "It's the first meat to fly in space since that cow jumped over the moon." "Also, this week, an espresso machine was taken up to the International Space Station." "It's claimed that this is the first coffee machine in space - although Starbucks are now officially based on the moon for tax purposes." "So, fingers on buzzers, teams." "Here's the next one." "BUZZER" "Yes, Ian and Josh." "It's a new version of Barbie." "Barbie as a computer programmer..." "Yes..." "Hacker." "It's to do with a book." "The Book of Barbie." "Is that one of the Apocrypha?" "It's a book of Barbie, in the series called I Can..." "But it has been pulled and pulped because it is allegedly sexist." "Here is one of the offending passages..." "LAUGHTER AND GROANS" "Why has the newly-released Lammily doll been causing a stir this week?" "This is the doll that has cellulitis." "It has..." "Cellulite, if you prefer." "Exactly that, yes." "Unlike Barbie or Ken, it's supposed to be the first affordable doll on the market made according to realistic body proportions." "The doll also includes cellulite and acne and, according to the makers, the doll can come with..." "Here she is." "It's quite localised acne, isn't it, that?" "It looks like she's been the victim of an overambitious sniper." "And what are the optional extra physical flaws that Lammily could come with?" "Stick-on flatulence." "Yeah, yeah." "For an extra 6, Lammily comes with stickers which allow children to give the dolls..." "All the flaws(!" ")" "Yes, this is the Barbie book that has been slammed for portraying its protagonist needing IT support from men." "The apparently sexist book was written by author..." "Wouldn't have happened if she'd got a bloke to help her." "Time now for the Odd One Out round." "Just one between you this week." "Fingers on buzzers, teams - your four are..." "American ambassador to London, Matthew Barzun..." "Inmates at HMP Wakefield..." "Tony and Jan Jenkinson and Michelle Obama." "BUZZER" "Ooh, yes." "Paul and Germaine." "I was just watching Ian go for it, so I pressed it just before he got there." "The couple, Tony and Gemma...?" "Jenkinson..." "Tony and Jay, was it?" "Jan, Tony and Jan." "They're standing outside the Broadway Hotel in Blackpool." "That's exactly right." "Which is the hotel, this week, which fined them £100 because they went on one of these sort of TripAdvisor of things and didn't like their stay very much, and the manager, owner of the hotel saw this and took £100 off their credit card." "Yep." "Exactly right." "He said it was policy." "He'd written it in the small print." "There's a no bad review policy." "Yeah." "Apparently it read..." "God, I bet Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's wishing he'd came up with that one." "OK, so that's why they're there." "The prisoner from Wakefield..." "I think they complained about the food." "Oh, yes." "Ian, Ian..." "That's it." "OK." "Has the American ambassador complained about something..." "Oh, yes, he's complained about English cuisine, hasn't he?" "Oh, so it's food." "Food, yeah." "JOSH:" "Have they all complained about the food apart from the couple who've just complained about the general hotel?" "Michelle Obama must be the odd one out." "JOSH:" "Has someone complained about Michelle Obama's food?" "Yes." "APPLAUSE" "Very good." "Almost exactly right." "Yeah, that's pretty much..." "They've all complained about their food, except for Michelle Obama, who's been the subject of complaints from American students about their school meals." "Children in America have been posting pictures of their school meals on Twitter, along with the hashtag..." "Bizarre, cos she campaigned to make the school meals healthier and smaller." "Josh, you look like someone who's had their fair share of low nutritional food." "LAUGHTER" "You're such a sweet talker(!" ")" "You have a look at these, Josh." "OK." "Exhibit A. Oh!" "So, what's that?" "A bap and... a thrown-up bap." "Here's exhibit B." "JOSH:" "That looks like an innuendo..." "The prisoners at Wakefield Jail, what sort of complaints one convict had regarding fishcakes?" ""There's no file in it."" "He said:" "And Matthew Barzun, his complaint, do you know what it was, specifically?" "Yorkshire pudding or something." "Talking to the Tatler magazine, and he said, "at official engagements..."" "Lastly, what did one woman in Glasgow do so her dad could enjoy free meals for a year?" "I mean, that is a broad question." "Um..." "It involved her midriff." "Tattoos." "Exactly, she got a tattoo of the local curry house." "There we go." "JOSH:" "Wow." "What did Beth have to say about the tattoo?" "Beth being her name, of course." "JOSH:" "That she's ruined her life." "She said:" "So, yes, there we are." "They have all complained about their food, except Michelle Obama, who's been subject to complaints from American students about their school meals." "So some American high school students are pissed off." "Come on, what's the worst thing they're going to do?" "A prisoner at HMP Wakefield complained of finding a snail in his peas." "Meanwhile, the exact opposite complaint was registered at HMP Papillion." "Time now for the Missing Words Round which this week features as its guest publication Keeper Notes, the newsletter of the international congress of zookeepers." "Keeper Notes is not a News International publication, although the editor does spend a lot of time behind bars." "And we start with:" "GERMAINE:" "Beats himself." "Is that one of the traditional openings?" "He can win any game in two moves." "To try and move the subject on a bit." ""Doesn't even need to stay awake." JOSH:" "What?" "Yeah, world number one Magnus Carlsen slept through half of a recent World Chess Championship match." "Unlike the spectators, who slept through all of it." "Next:" "GERMAINE:" "Pin the tail on the donkey." "JOSH:" "Spin the botanist." "Yeah." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "IAN LAUGHS" ""Guess the X-ray." Unfortunately, the game had to be abandoned because of a "cheetah."" "AUDIENCE GROANS" "Oh, dear." "Yeah." "That's my favourite joke of the show." "And lastly:" "Free teenagers." "AUDIENCE GROANS UNEASILY" "LAUGHTER" "Official policy." ""Free cinema." According to BBC News, Berlusconi is currently in hospital for an eye operation." "Very sorry to hear that - he should be in prison." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "So, there we are." "The final scores are Paul and Germaine on 6, but Ian and Josh on 7." "DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE" "But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition." "Why have they got electronic things on their heads?" "GERMAINE:" "It's because seals have been behaving very badly." "What have they been doing?" "They've been mating with penguins." "JOSH:" "What?" "It said it in the newspaper." "It was a picture of it happening." "As far as I could see, it was just a seal lying on top of a penguin." "Which newspapers are you reading?" "Are you sure this isn't just the new John Lewis ad?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and" "Josh Widdicombe, Paul Merton and Germaine Greer." "And I leave you with the news that in central London a desperate David Mellor has to resort to extreme measures to make sure he gets home in time for dinner." "In Cardiff, there's a Freudian slip as Prince William references the Crown Jewels three times in one minute." "JOSH GIGGLES" "That could be an advantage in a close race." "And on a visit to a care home," "George Osborne is suddenly struck by the thought that even if they don't play bingo for money, he can still charge them for the gaming licence." "Good night." "APPLAUSE"