"I should have... it's not." " It's Julia's fault." " You know how to deal with gods." "You know how to fuck up their shit." "no." " I want to make a deal." "she..." "She's not sane." " One small consolation is the bitch is with the beast right now and I can't really see that going her way." " Word as bond." "I assume the extra bits enchant the blade to kill me instantly in the event I break it." " You guys are from brakebills?" "class of '16." "Come with me if you want to live." "on one hand." "you can't really blame them." " So you were top bitch in New York for starters." "you went here?" " Kicked out three months before graduation." " Let's go steal their shit." " So there's a bump." " Bigger than marrying a total stranger-ette?" "you won't be able to be literally." " But when I go back..." "I can never leave fillory." " Please fix my hands." "how do I put this in a way that you'll understand?" "Go fuck yourself." "end of story." "zillion bucks says the beast comes back so what's the plan? especially while Alice is still... this is something. but the actual spells aren't here." "I know where we need to go." " Brakebills?" "♪ ♪" " I don't get it." "How come nobody in a hood is trying to kill us?" "that's just weird." "be my guest." " You're alive." "What a lovely surprise. except for this." "This is a brakebills student workbook." "technically." "so I guess that means that a brakebills student was in fillory over a hundred years ago." " And the only humans that had access to the armory were... pumpkin." "The monarchy." " So we are not the first brakebills students to get into fillory or to assume the throne. but if the beast gets to the wellspring right now magic dies in fillory." "It dies there..." " it dies here." "On earth." "My god. he learned from a professor named bigby." "Have you heard of him?" " Her." "there is a note in here." "There's a spell that seems strong enough called the rhinemann ultra... but the spell isn't actually here." " Because why should anything be easy?" " Shit." "Shit!" "Duck!" " Who?" " Everybody!" " What the hell is that about? but I think I know a temp fix." " All right." "I'll get back to you." " ♪ Hey-ho ♪" "♪ if love were all ♪" "♪ I should be lonely ♪" "♪ I believe ♪" "♪ the more you love a girl ♪" "♪ the more you give your trust ♪" "♪ the more you're bound to lose ♪ is that an actual song or are you trying to get me to stab a knife into my eardrums?" " ♪ Although ♪ - of course." " ♪ When shadows fall ♪" "♪ I think if only ♪" "♪ somebody splendid really needed me ♪" " you mind?" "I'm working." " It's still too similar to the first sigil that summoned him." "He'll know it's you." "And a trap." " You're welcome to have an actual idea." "I'd ruin your primitive purity." "That's part of what attracts him." "Julia. but if you could just dial down the chipper..." "All I do is accept what you fight." " Yeah." "Which is?" " Life is pointless." "The after-life even more so." "Which is why we invent these games to fill the void of existence." "Who diddled whom." "Who'll get revenge for it." "Who takes the throne." "and my friends." "I doubt they're your friends anymore." "they won't be royals long." "Huh." " Why?" "maybe you could use a bit of help with the binding principle." " Did you put some kind of curse on the castle?" " Did I?" "It was so long ago." "I hardly remember." "♪ ♪ sire." " Can't be that hard to find dead rats." "yes." "I-i believe I did work up a little welcome." "since Ember made it impossible for me to retake the throne" "drunk on self-love and power-lust." "I thought of it as a kind of royal test..." "That no one ever passed." "Sadly." " What kind of test? puzzle out themselves." "Anyway." "You're on the right track." "Now we just need the bait." "I'm ready." " He knows you." "A bit too intimately." "I have the perfect fresh candidate." "and a very powerful witch." " No." " Julia." " Let's skip the discussion." "You do as I say or this... per the bond." "the Leo blade cuts my throat or undermine your efforts." "I assure you... ♪ I believe ♪" "♪ that since my life began ♪" "♪ the most I've had is just ♪" "♪ a talent to amuse ♪" "♪ hey-ho ♪" "♪ if love were all ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" "right?" "it's just..." "Not." "right." "End of semester prank to ditch the first-year losers." "it was my idea." " I-i hate all of you." "I hate all of you." "please." "promising." "To the first bottle of fillorian champagne." "Which I know technically isn't champagne." "Except I am renaming the royal gardens "champagne nouveau." " Mm." "Ugh." "Champagne no-no." Jesus." "That makes no sense." "I used the go-to fermenting enchantment." "No fretting." "I'll get it right." "Trial and error." "I'm your wife." "I want to be obedient." " Sit down." "Nobody wants to be obedient." " I do want to serve but..." " But...? but I don't want to run a cult." "it's you. most barely remember." "I'm cleaning the place up." "I'm trying to get some decent wine going." "What else is there?" " The people are starving." " Seriously?" "okay." "We should probably get on that." "And I'm guessing magic probably won't do the trick." " Magic is the problem." "boy." "♪ ♪" " yep." "We're alive." "Deal." "Can you keep your shit tight for a few more minutes?" " Couple minutes is all I'll need." "now." "chicken-shit motherfucker." "wait." "goddammit!" " Like lando and han." "Right on." "Oh!" " Still got my legs." "so it true what Josh was saying?" "right?" "Right?" " Fillory is very real." " Okay." "And this is going to be on the syllabus next semester? and margo need battle magic." " We're going to teach battle magic now?" " It was once a required course." " Till it was outlawed." "I hear." "it was a very messy situation. but the professor who taught it disagreed. she said that... but why are you telling me this? hinted that she hid all the battle magic spells somewhere on campus. and me." "why?" " All the battle magic spells are hidden in the library." "No one knows the library better than you." "okay?" "We both are." "Seriously sorry." " So where's Victoria?" " Traveling." "I don't even know if she's on this planet anymore." " Can't blame her." " Spit in it." " What is it?" " It's a hangover cure El and I used when we got the shakes." "I amped it up with nightshade and a couple of ativans." "but it could do the trick..." " Temporarily." "So keep a stash on you." "though." " Fuck off." " Okay." " This one... hellcat perfection." " I don't give a shit about getting him." "I didn't summon him." "I didn't get raped by him." "I have no skin in this except I want to kick your ass and kill him." " ♪ Fate may often treat me meanly ♪" "♪ but I keenly pursue ♪" "♪ a little mirage in the blue ♪" " did you scrape him off the cabaret floor?" " Right." "So the answer is to hire Michael bublé to kidnap me and then use me as your bait." "raise your hand." "you're right." "It was wrong grabbing you he was gonna find you." "Julia." "Or we have a problem." "Do you want a problem with me?" " Forget it." " Great." " I told you untying her was a mistake." " Ow." " What?" " It's starting to burn a little." " Take it off." " You know I can't." "I need it." "the less time we have." "then..." " not everything that hurts is bad." " I hate that all of this is on you." "You'd tell me if there was something I could do." "Shift the weight off?" "I'd tell you." "♪ ♪" "but she's not wrong." "Did you find it?" " I did." "And?" "I know we made a pact." "you stick to yours." "But this might take all the top hedge bitches to coven up and take this asshole out." " Your coast or mine?" " I'm already on my way." "things here grow magically." "yes." " Everything always took care of itself." "We used to grow all the nuts in the Southern region." " Until the beast drained the magic." "Now what's required is actual farm work." "Which no one in fillory knows how to do." "I think I'm getting one of those migraines where everything gets all bendy." "let me pass out." "No?" "All right." "Fen?" "I have a secret." "It's fairly difficult for me to confess." "but..." "I grew up..." "On a farm." " That's your secret?" " I spent years blocking it all out." "The smell of wet hay." "And the feel of an udder." "The taste of fresh..." "Goat milk." "And the worst humans in the known universe:" "My family." "I'm pretty sure I'll know exactly what to do." " That's wonderful." " On a planet with no Zoloft." " Now you sound like my king." " Mm." "if I just needed one little thing from you to..." "To ease my agony?" " Anything." " There's my girl. and mercurial." "And a 500-year-old pixie." "Who more or less saw humans as children to be toyed with." "and one thing she certainly then her book of battle magic will be found here." "In this room." " Why?" " She told me." ""The battle magic will be where the knowledge always is. it will be your last hope." "last hope." " Yes." "that's the name of one of the more powerful texts on battle magic." "Last hope options." "of course." "Pixies love puzzles and riddles." "Especially those that make humans look stupid. but I'm afraid that it will be very hard to find." "Let's get to it." " "Rhinemann." "♪ ♪ the rhinemann exchange." "A spy novel by Robert ludlum." " What's next?" " "Last hope options" is an anagram for... ♪ ♪ pane hotspot silo"?" "♪ ♪ let's try assigning a different number structure to the letters. and so on." " Okay." " Ahem." ""opine path stools." "♪ ♪" " pixie puzzles." "Ugh." "♪ ♪" "what's... what's happened to your hands?" " What hasn't?" " Tell me." " Why?" " Maybe I can help." " Nada." " Ugh." "Professor?" " I can safely say that none of the number codes we came up with led to anything." " We found about 300 anagram phrases." " Anything promising? hospital nose top" mean anything?" ""latte shop poison"?" "No?" "Not surprising." "this one's good." "This is my favorite because it's absurd." "hotel spa potions." " Wait." "That's a book." "In here." "♪ ♪" " yeah." " "Last hope options." " Ah." " The chapter's been ripped out." "there's a note." "Henry." "I was right and everyone else at brakebills was wrong." "How delightful." "It also means I'll see you nine. a pretty island made of streets." " Another riddle." "Awesome." "where to find her?" "Island made of streets" is Rhode Island." "What?" "Duh." " Sorry." "Could you spell your last name again?" "but..." "You're asleep." "♪ ♪" " You said anything." " But this is... this is..." "Am I not enough for you?" " You're great." "For..." "Who you are." "It's just..." "I already told you." "My life was different before." " Yeah." "And I'll help you make a new life." "this is new." "And right inside the lines of marriage. and they do what they do." "I only picked people already doing each other." "And we get to watch." "right?" "All:" "Mm-hmm." " See?" " You're their king." "no matter how..." " Fun." " Debased." " Debased? except on a computer. but..." "If it's what you desire... everyone." "Thanks." "You all look really good naked." "sire. so..." " You're doomed." "Which I might find amusing except it's likely to get me killed." "And for what?" "I'm going to hold on to my..." " if you say "humanity" you'll learn I can vomit non-stop for two hours." "I'm about to make an enemy of a god who I have no quarrel with." "you're literally asking me and hopping on one leg. you'd have no issue with using Marina." "You'd be free of these useless feelings and this idiotic moral quagmire." " Come near me and the knife won't kill you." "'Cause you can still live without a dick." " ♪ Life is very rough and tumble ♪" " or a tongue." " So Rhode Island was just beginner's luck." "summer's here and ne'er retreats." "it's set. "Summer is set." "Somer... somerset." "Somerset." " Somerset." " And the numbers could be a street address." " Right." "nine." "last is fine." " 219." "So it's 219 something somerset." " Come on." " I think I can help." "sir." " Yes?" " We've had a security breach." " Marina." " Please." "I need asylum." " Marina." "What else can you tell me about this..." "Situation?" "it's not a "situation." "omniscient god with a pretty specific type:" "Me and mine." "What the fuck else do you need to know?" " I see you still don't expend much on good manners." "this is a charm school now?" "but it is my school." "Not a safe house." " I was the best student you ever had here." "You said that." " I confused talent with character." "Marina." "Kicking you out wasn't a choice." "I couldn't have you infecting my students then and I certainly won't now." "You fucking prick." "Where am I supposed to go?" " You can keep your memories." "I hope that whatever you've learned here will help keep you safe." " What I learned here will get me killed." "pixies are tricky." "Keep all questions and answers short and to the point." "You understand?" " Henry." "you look awful." "What happened to your eyes?" "Are you blind?" "you look ancient." "dear." "no wonder you sought me out." "you've been positively mauled by something." "let me intro..." "Mmm." " Some things haven't changed." "You still are the most wonderful kisser." "Do you have time to go to bed with me?" "darling." "And these are my students." "They are in need of the rhinemann ultra." "yes." "if the stuffed shirts and ninny nay-sayers Henry." "You look hungry." "So why was battle magic outlawed?" " Ugh." "Humans least attractive qualities." "Panic and paranoia." " And there were several student deaths that semester. or the '60s." "short memories." "Hmm." "You'd be the one casting." "Good." "It would burn anyone else to a crisp." "I can feel your power." "It's almost..." "It's almost god-like." "Did you fuck one of them?" "aren't they?" "At least mine was." "literally." " I actually got mine a little differently." "and it's waning." "Quite quickly." "if you could just please give us the spell." "Henry." "You of all people know that." "convince me." " Where the hell is the burnt river?" "dear wife." "my lord." " I will need to find some way to blow off steam." "I get to stroll the wondrous memory fields of my agrarian childhood..." "Sprinkling shit." " Sprinkling..." "Shit?" "hauling." " Sorry." "Sprinkling it on..." "What?" " Crops." " Oh." " Fertilizer?" "Your farmers don't fertilize?" " So it's the only thing we've found that might stop the beast." "it was amazing reading about how you used the rhinemann at gettysburg to help win the war for the union." " Right." "And it was you who slipped it to Rupert chatwin for the battle of the bulge." "you changed history." "yes." "Many times." "is that Juniper tree still there?" "the one by the infirmary." "it has the softest grass." "It feels delicious on your ass. for hours we would... please." " Are you telling me you don't even remember that tree?" "darling." "Of course." "But it's private." "not anymore." "these two fuck like jackrabbits." "you can just smell it." "darling." "we really are in a time crunch." " Mm-hmm." " There's a lot at stake." "hmm." "welcome to someday." "Ahem." "♪ ♪ no one but you can be within 20 feet of the blast." "including your beast." "you're stronger." "But not for long." "Hmm." "stop prattling and get to it." "the shit." "I do not wish to appear ungrateful..." " you're just going to have to trust your king on this one." "lads." "Many a farm to grace..." "With our royal dung." " Yah!" "Ow." "Shit." "The time is 10:58 P.M." "but..." " It's taking too long." "I'm not as strong as I was. the beast will have eaten all of our faces off." " You all are going to need something strong to hit him with." " Bigby isn't the only one who tucked away a few secrets." "ow!" " Sorry." "The spell says it has to be tight." " Do they have to be behind me?" "I feel like I'm getting busted." " You can't look at your hands for 12 hours." "what is that?" " I can't pronounce the name." "It's from China. but take away a lot of the discomfort." "that feels... ah!" "O..." "Kay." "I'm wondering if maybe you could rub a little into my shoulder." "I got a cramp." " Which one?" "actually." "I feel guilty." " Why?" " Letting you do all the work." " I don't mind." "let me know." " I don't think you're in a position to do much." " Try me." " I might." "After you graduate." "hey." " Hey." "um..." " I-i got your message in my bathroom mirror." "It was freaky." "I'm not supposed to tell you what I'm gonna tell you." "fine." "Don't." " I just..." "I-i have to warn you." "You could die if you don't get clear of the beast." " You think I don't know how dangerous he is?" "not him." "Us." "We're going to kill him." " Do what you want with him but not until I get Reynard." "we can't wait." "we can't." "I-I know that you're hurting." "I just..." "I-I need you to see that this is bigger than you." "he's killing magic everywhere." " And Reynard is killing people everywhere." "Do you think that that's less important?" "I just think that what you want here is revenge and..." " and you don't?" " Just don't be within 20 feet of the beast okay? you better not be within 20 miles of me." " I came here to warn you and you're threatening me." "I did what I had to do." "I..." "Make up your own mind." " There's something." "About the castle." "He... he made some kind of joke." "He put a curse on it." "Anyone who assumes the throne." " What kind of curse?" " He wouldn't say." "But I'm pretty sure it's no joke." "vague." "I guess." " It's all I got." " Thank you." " Sure." " This is..." " I know." "I'll see you when I see you." " See you." " Wow." "I owe you for real." " Good." "Now this is going to take just a few minutes to fully power up." "You all are going to need something strong to hold off the beast." "Step one..." "Is for all of you very drunk." " Why?" " You'll see." "Chug-a-lug." "your name will become an important part of you. your unique abilities." "I can never get buried in a Jewish cemetery." "but options." " How much do I have to drink so that I never have to hear your voice again?" " Good." "Now for the painful part." " That wasn't the painful part?" "no." "Professor li?" " This is a cacodemon." " Jesus." " They'll grow much bigger. they'll keep the beast plenty busy." "Each of you will be given a special word to command your cacodemon to attack. so pick your moment with care." "gonna do with it?" "and turn around." " Oh." "Those words never led to anything good." "almost never." "next." "it's working." "great." "my king." "no." "Thank the hell that was my childhood. for once." "Ahem." "Your high king has agricultural tales to tell." "I give you the reign of..." "King shit." "so..." " ♪ Is it an earthquake ♪" "♪ or simply a shock?" "♪" "♪ Is it the good turtle soup ♪" "♪ or merely the mock?" "♪" " Jesus Christ." " ♪ Is it a cocktail ♪" "♪ this feeling of joy ♪" " he has to stop." " ♪ or is what I feel ♪" "♪ the real McCoy?" "♪ ladies." "Are we three going to kill a god?" "for starters." " Good one." " ♪ Is it granada I see ♪" "♪ or only asbury park?" "♪" "♪ Is it a fancy ♪" "♪ you lose like a glove ♪" "♪ or is it at long last love?" "♪"