"Niles!" "Uh-oh. *************" "Damn blasted bloody pipes!" "I'm selling the house." "We're moving back to England." "And he's taking it very well." "And I supposed there's no tea." "Here, suck on this... sir." "Oh, Daddy, I'm disgusting." "I can't go out in public like this." "That's never stopped you before." "Good morning, everyone." "Miss Fine, do you have water in your bathroom?" " No." "Well, then how could you possibly look like that?" "Believe me, it wasn't easy." "I went through my entire supply of moist towelettes." "And I laughed at my mother." "Niles, did you call a plumber?" " Yeah, I beeped him, sir, but his yacht has gone into international waters." "Well, did you look for someone else?" "No." "I've been leafing through the yellow pages for origami supplies." "Oh, if you need a plumber, I got a second cousin..." "No, I'd rather wait for rain." "Are you still holding a grudge because of my Uncle Aaron, the electrician." "Hmm?" "Why should I?" "My eyebrows have almost grown back." "Hey, a lot of women will pay good money for that effect." "It's difficult to get someone on the weekend, sir." ""Well, cousin Irving is on call twenty-four hours a day."" "Miss Fine, this is an old house with very delicate pipes." "Hey, my Aunt Ida would let any guy in a white coat remove her gallstones, but only Irving could touch her toilets." "Against every fiber of my body, contrary to every belief I hold dear, you can hire your cousin." "But if anything goes wrong..." "Oh, would you trust me?" "Irving is a legend, believe me." "Before he set-up shop, they didn't call it Flushing." "Dad, why can't I go?" "It's just a party." "Give me one good reason." "I'll give you sixteen." "Eight boys and their grubby little hands." "That's not fair." " Shh!" "This is a very important call." "Miss Growly, can you do a pedicure at four?" "Margaret, case closed." " Fine." "I won't have a life." "I'll end up old and alone like Fran..." "Hi." " Hi." "Have you seen my Polygrip?" "Fran, you've got to help me." " Huh?" "Sorry." "I think I've lost my miracle ear." "Miss Fine, please, I am trying to schedule my beauty appointments." "Oh, well, I hope it's not a toll call." "Now what is all this yelling about?" "You're making me homesick." "There's a party at Kimberly's and everybody's going but me." "Just look at this guest list I found by the telephone." "So, I know most of these kids." "What's the problem?" "Well, they're all paired off, boys and girls, two by two." "It's like Noah's ark." "Oh, your first make-out party." "Who'd you get?" "She's not getting anyone, and no one is getting her." "Did I say make-out?" "I meant make-up." "Make-over." "Avon." "Mary Kay." "Maybe they'll have Tupperware there." "No kissing, just burping." "Are you done?" " Unless you've got something to add." "Well, I do." "Maggie, you're too young." "You're not going." "I can't believe you." "You never let me go anywhere." "Not true." "Go to your room." "What's the matter?" "All the convents are full?" "Miss Fine, she's too young for a kissing party." "She's only fourteen years old." " She's gonna be fifteen." "Oh well, you got an 'A' in math." "Look, I'm not letting her go to some Park Avenue apartment crawling with a bunch of lecherous young men." "Hmm, you wouldn't happen to have the address, would you?" "More pictures and resumes of showgirls, sir." "Well, the audition's this afternoon." "These should have been here hours ago." "They were." "I'd pay particular attention to Gigi, Lulu, and the one on the unicycle." "How on earth does she keep from falling forward?" "And even if she did, she'd bounce right back." "Oh, no, no, no." "These girls won't do." "Look at that one." "Big hair, tight pants, red lips." "Hmm, tramp!" "Yeah, well, you're right, C.C., they're all tall, leggy and buxom." "And we specifically ordered short dumpy showgirls." "Oh, that reminds me of my Aunt Rosalyn." "All she ever wanted to do was to be a Rockette." "She made the height requirement." "It was the width that was the problem." "I just can't get enough of these stories of your relatives." "Oh, tell me again about the one which ends with the plumbing getting fixed." "I'd like to shower and shave before these auditions." "You are a bit scruffy." "Common." "Brutish." "Need a moist towelette?" "Koenig Speedy Plumbing." "Sorry we're late." "Who are you?" "I'm Tiffany, your second cousin, twice removed." "Oh, no way." "My cousin Tiffany's still in Pampers." "Good news, I'm potty-trained." "Which is more than I can say for him." "Irving?" "Fran, you got old." "Yeah, well I was a lot younger when I called you." "You were supposed to be here at nine-thirty. / We were." "It's a long way from the curb." "Oh, well don't lose your momentum." "The kitchen's down that way." "Keep moving." "Hey, don't touch anything." "You break it, you brought it." "So this is nice." "Your grandfather is baby-sitting you?" "Vice-a-versa." "When we let him out alone, he just keeps driving until he runs out of gas and someone calls the number on the side of the van." "Oh, does that happen often?" " Who knows?" "It's not our number." "He wrecked our van." "No, you may not look through the keyhole when your father is auditioning showgirls." "Well why not?" " That's where I'll be." "Brighton, c'mere." "I want you to meet Tiffany." "Hi / Hi." "Magic." "Well, why don't you two kids go up and play?" "Mets fan?" " Yankees." "Giants?" " Jets." "Geek." " Dork." "Play nice!" "Whoa, this is some big house." "I hope he doesn't charge by the hour. / Oy..." "Uh-oh." " What's with the uh-oh?" "I don't like to hear plumbers or hairdressers say uh-oh." "I forgot my wrench. / Well what were you doing down there so long without your tools?" "That's my business." "Can I get you anything?" "Juice?" "Soda?" "Digitalis?" "Oh, Niles, Mister Sheffield is gonna kill me." "Why do I have this compulsion to hire my relatives?" " It's a sickness." "I know." "I should seek help." "Well, I'll call my Uncle Stanley." "He's a shrink." "You have no idea what you're talking about." "Yeah, you think just because I'm not rich and go to some fancy private school I don't know anything?" "I'm telling you, there were two Darrens. / She is crazy." "No, she's absolutely right." "The first Darren died, the second Darren just came out of the closet." "Go live with a witch." "******** / Yeah, dream on." "Hey, watch it, Richy Rich." "You welch on me, it's the last thing you'll ever do." "So sue me." " It could happen." "Uncle Sidney!" "I don't believe this." "Even the troll has a social life." "I know." "Here." "Daddy can be such a pain." " I know." "It's just a party." " I know." "Hey, I know a lot." "I should get a raise." "Honey, try to be more understanding of your father." "He just wants to protect you." "Yeah, well he's impossible." "He never lets me go anywhere." "I remember my mother didn't let me go to Amy Semoles sweet sixteen at the bowling alley." "She had this thing about wearing other people's shoes." "She thought I would get polio." "Or was it Planter's warts?" "Anyway, it was something with a 'p'." "And what does it have to do with me?" "Give me a minute." "Oh, yeah." "You know, sometimes your parents sound like they're crazy, but when you really think about it, they are." "Oy, I'll go talk to your father." "Hey!" "Well, the drain's clear." "Wow!" "How do you do?" "Brighton Sheffield, producer's son." "Hi, Brighton." "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" "A halter top." "Hello." "Hello." "Hi." "Hello." "Look, Fran, giant Barbi dolls." "Would you play with me?" "Oh, no, honey." "These toys are for boys." "I have a four octave range, and I studied acting with Starr Adler." "Very impressive. / I can also stand on my hands and do a full split." "You've got the part." " Oh, thank you, Mister Sheffield." "I can't wait to work for you." " Oh God, I want your job." "Thank you, Gigi, we'll call you." "Oh, watch it." "You could poke someone's eye out with those." "Well, look at the two of you, like a couple of cats outside a fish store." "I would have thought you were more sophisticated than that." "No, not really." "Oh, Miss Fine, it's nothing to be ashamed of." "The human body is a beautiful thing. / Hm-hmm." "Well, I could have had that body, too, had I cashed in my Israeli bond." "Well don't look at me." "I wanted to do "Twelve Angry Men"." "Hmm..." "But they didn't wanna do you." "Excuse me." "I think I'll see what needs dusting in the living room." "Miss Fine, did you want something?" " I wanna talk to you about Maggie." "The answer is no." " But it's just a party." "Amazingly enough, that cogent argument still hasn't convinced me." "Oh." "Well, give me a second and I'll think of something else." "No." "Absolutely not." "I forbid it." "Well, can I think it's a definite maybe?" "I'll take care of my family, you take care of yours." "Now go tell your Uncle Irving to hurry it up, or you'll be finished before he is." "Do you want it fast or do you want it good?" " I want it all." "You know, this grungy look is very cute on you." "Go." "Out." "Niles, bring me an aspirin." " Sorry, sir, I've got my hands full." "Huh?" " Where's Irving?" "Oh, the last time I saw him he was bounding up the stairs." "If you leave now you can probably catch him at the landing." "Pardon me." "Excuse me." "Irving?" "Irving?" "Irving, are you in here?" "Oh..." "Oh..." "Oh my God!" "How 'bout a little privacy here?" "Tiffany, I told you not to touch anything!" "But you also said to play nice." "What were you kids thinking making out in there?" "A minute ago you were at each other's throats, now you're just at each other?" "What happened?" " Well, she hit me, then I pushed her." "One thing let to another." "You know how it is." "The kid's cute so I kissed him." "Go ahead, tell me you haven't had the same thoughts about his old man." "Just mind your own B.I. business." " Fran, it was no big deal." "Maybe not to you, but you're gonna get me fired." "Your father has this big thing about his kids kissing." "I don't know why." "They're very good at it." "Hey, what can I say?" "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "!" "You guys need to be hosed down, if only we had water." "You, go to your room." "Not you." "You wanna get somebody hot, go light a fire under your grandfather's butt." "Oh, Mister Sheffield's gonna kill me." "He's gonna find some way to make it all my fault." "Just because the plumber is my cousin and he brought her and I sent them up to play together." "Oh, the twisted pathways of his mind." "What am I gonna do?" "He nearly had a conniption when Maggie kissed that boy Eddie, and Brighton is three years younger." "Oh, I'm gonna be canned for sure." "Miss Fine, you spend so much time up this creek," "I should think by now you'd've brought a paddle." "Niles, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." "Well perhaps Master Brighton will keep his mouth shut." "If he could do that, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place." "Hey, guess what." " What?" "What?" "Brighton kissed Tiffany in the shower." "Thank you, Hedda Hoppa." "Anymore bright ideas." "Well, perhaps you have a cousin who works for unemployment." "Miss Fine!" " Oh, I can explain." "You know, it's true." "I did send them up to play with each other, but who knew they'd take it literally?" "What are you talking about?" " You first." "There's still no water." " Oh, you're mad about the water." "Did you hear that, Niles?" "He's mad about the water. / Yes." "Miss Fine, this is hardly cause for celebration." "I'm about to fire your cousin." "Oh, fire away." "Listen, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." "About the water." "You're taking this awfully well." "She thought she was in trouble about Brighton." "Oops." "What about Brighton?" "Gotta go." "Got a play date." "Bye. / Me, too." "No, freeze!" "Uh, Mister Sheffield, as per your request to expedite the plumbing situation," "I went upstairs to find cousin Irving, and um, well, I found Brighton in the shower." "He had water?" " He had Tiffany." "What?" "!" "Now look, I know you have this thing about your kids kissing, but before you get all bent out of shape... / Brighton was kissing your cousin?" "Oh, she's just a distant cousin." "Very distant." "In fact, she's more like a close neighbor." "Not even close." "There was a fence." "And so Brighton's had his first kiss, huh?" "And only eleven years old." "Well, you sound proud of that." " Well, he beat his old man by two years." "But, wait a minute." "When Maggie was over..." " Now would be a good time to stop talking." "Oh." "Yeah." "You know, you never think of that as an option." "Irving..." "What's the matter?" "Your watch stopped?" "No." "The date changed." "Are you gonna be through with this before the battery wears out?" "This bathroom is ready to go." " Oh, thank God." "So we can take a shower?" "If it's you and me you're talking about, it's extra." "Fran, did you hear that Brighton was kissing Tiffany in the shower?" "What is this, a slow news day?" "This stinks!" "I'm not allowed to go to a stupid party, but daddy wants to throw Brighton a parade?" " I know." "It's so unfair." "Oh, is this yours?" "No." "It's Gracie's." "Fran, what are we gonna do about it?" "Honey, I told you, I'm working on him, but you know, men can't be rushed." "They're like chickens." "You cook 'em too fast, they get tough." "Whereas if you take your time with them, let 'em simmer, then they fall apart in your hands." "But the party's tonight." " Oh." "Well, kiss it off." "Fran!" "Honey, I've been skating on thin ice with your father all day." "Please don't push me through." "Aren't you the one who's always telling me that men and women should be treated equally?" "Well, that sounds like me." "Except that men should still open the door and pick up the check." "Yeah." "That's definitely me." "Okay, here, here, here." "I'll go poke the chicken." "Mister Sheffield?" "Mister Sheffield?" "I told you kids..." "Oh, Mister Sheffield!" "Oh, you're wearing your new soap on a rope that I gave you." "What?" "What is it?" "I just..." "And he was..." "And I saw..." "Miss Fine, you're hysterical." "Now don't make me slap you." "I just saw Mister Sheffield naked." "It was horrible." "Yes, I keep telling him to get to the gym." "I'm serious." "It's like seeing your father naked." "My mother should be so lucky." "Would you like a cigarette, Miss Fine?" "Oh, he can't even stand to be seen without a tie." "Oh, this is gonna put him right over the edge." "You know, when I first started in service, I walked in on the Queen Mum." "In the shower?" " On the throne." "He's not strong enough to handle this." "I don't care how many bulging muscles he's got." "Well, just promise me one thing. / What?" "Let me tell Miss Babcock." "There you go." "Now do I get some kind of guarantee with that?" "Yeah, I guarantee I'll be back." "Gramps, let's get a start on those stairs." "I wanna make it home before Letterman." "You're leaving me?" "Just like that?" "Don't cling." "You're suffocating me." "We just met. / And it was nice while it lasted, but it's over." "Let's not drag this out." "Dad, I'm no expert on this, but was I just dumped?" "Yes, son." "Welcome to the battle of the sexes." "Where they sneak up on you, when you're most vulnerable, utterly humiliate you, and leave you trembling, exposed and naked." "Yeah, okay, but dumped or not, did I get to first base?" "Well, yes." " All right!" "Mister Sheffield!" "Uh, um, was, was there a paper this morning?" "Yes." "You read it at breakfast." " Oh..." "Mister Sheffield, I have to see you a sec." "Oh, I think you've seen quite enough." " Mister Sheffield, it's important." "All right, all right, but please, I beg of you just get to the point." "No more long stories about your high school, family, pets." "Okay, okay, I'll just stick to the bare facts." "I'm sorry." "I mean, it's no big thing." "Oy..." "This isn't going well." "Let me just cut to the chase." "Yeah, that's okay." "I'm sorry I walked in on you, but you have nothing to be ashamed of." "Didn't you say the human body is a beautiful thing?" "Oh now, Miss Fine, you can't go comparing me looking at these girls for an audition, with you walking in on me in the shower." "It's, it's entirely different." " Yeah, I'm not selling tickets." "Although plenty of women would pay through the nose." "Miss Fine!" " I'm just kidding." "I didn't see anything." "Except for the double standard." "My double what?" " Your double standard." "You have one set of rules for boys, and then a whole repressed Rapunzel thing happening for the girls." "Are we back on this blasted party?" "!" "Look, all I'm saying is that you need to trust Maggie as much as Brighton, and knowing Brighton, even more so." "I trust Maggie." "It's the boys I don't trust." "Well, Maggie has to learn to handle fourteen year old boys, so when she grows up, she can know how to handle full grown men." "Who, when you think about it, are a lot like fourteen year old boys." "You have a very good point." "How annoying." "Well, all right, she can go to the party, but she has to be back by ten o'clock." "Ten o'clock... is a good time to have a good time, but not too good a time." "Fine." "Thank you, thank you." "Now back to work." "Mister Sheffield, are you gonna look me in the eye again?" "Hmm?" "I am looking you in the eye." " Hm-hmm." "Look, Miss Fine, surely you can understand this whole episode has been a little embarrassing for me." "Oh, don't be silly." "It all happened so fast." "I didn't see anything." " Good." "You have nothing to be embarrassed about." "Believe me."