"THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE." "DANIELLE JUST CALLED ME." "SHE CANCELED OUR DINNER FOR TONIGHT." "SHE CLAIMS SHE HAD HER WISDOM TEETH REMOVED." "THIS IS NOT A LIE, MIKE." "I JUST SAW HER AN HOUR AGO." "WE ARE TALKING BIG CHEEKS, NUMB LIPS, LOTSA DROOL." "SO SHE'S UP AND AROUND." "MIKE." "THIS IS UNB-- LOOK AT ME!" "MY FIRST VALENTINE'S DAY ALONE IN THIS HARSH WORLD." "IS IT SO WRONG THAT I WANT A LITTLE FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP?" "IF YOU REALLY WANT, I CAN SET YOU UP WITH SOMEONE." "YES, I WANT." "I WANT." "YES." "FINE." "I'LL CALL SUZANNE." "NO, NO." "SHE DOES THIS TWIRLY THING WITH HER HAIR" "THAT I KNOW WOULD DRIVE YOU UP THE WALL." "MAYBE VERONICA." "ALTHOUGH THIS BEING YOUR FIRST DATE BACK," "VERONICA MIGHT BE A BIT TOO AGGRESSIVE," "YOU KNOW, SEXUALLY SPEAKING." "I'VE GOT IT!" "KATIE WOULD BE PERFECT." "SHE'S CUTE." "SHE'S THE SWEETEST THING YOU'LL EVER MEET." "TELL ME MORE ABOUT VERONICA." "MIKE, IS IT ALL RIGHT" "IF I COME IN A LITTLE LATE TOMORROW?" "BECAUSE TONIGHT I GOT PLANS WITH CLAUDIA." "WE HAVE TO SLEEP IN A LITTLE." "KNOW WHAT I MEAN?" "YOU CAN COME IN LATE..." "AS LONG AS YOU PROMISE" "NOT TO TELL ME WHAT YOU MEAN." "WAIT." "WHY AM I SETTING YOU UP?" "I DON'T EVEN HAVE A DATE YET." "YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME TO JOIN ME AT THE BAR." "I'LL BE REENACTING MY TRADITIONAL BAD HOLIDAY RITUAL." "IT INVOLVES A GOOD BOOK AND A BIG BOTTLE OF CHIANTI." "NO EXPECTATIONS." "NO DISAPPOINTMENTS." "FORGIVE ME, STUART, BUT WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES" "AND TRY TO ENVISION THE PERFECT VALENTINE'S DAY," "YOU ARE USUALLY BOUND AND GAGGED IN A SHED SOMEWHERE." "OOH. (CHUCKLES]" "YOU KNOW, NIKKI, SOMETIMES THE PERFECT DATE" "IS RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE." "YOU KNOW WHAT?" "YOU'RE RIGHT." "THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR PRIDE." "I NEED TO START CALLING OLD BOYFRIENDS." "WELL, I AM NO LONGER" "DESPERATE AND ALONE THIS EVENING." "SPENCE CALLED." "HE WANTS TO SEE ME." "SPENCE?" "THE GUY WHO DUMPED YOU TWICE SPENCE?" "I PREFER JUST SPENCE." "WELL, THAT MEANS HE WANTS YOU BACK." "COME ON." "SPENCE AND I ARE OVER." "TONIGHT IS MERELY A FRIENDLY LITTLE EXTENSION OF THE OLIVE BRANCH." "IS THAT A EUPHEMISM?" "PLEASE." "TONIGHT IS TOTALLY CASUAL." "IN FACT," "MIKE, IF YOUR DATE DOESN'T PAN OUT, STOP BY." "SPENCE IS BRINGING A FRIEND--A WOMAN." "SOUNDS GREAT." "THANK YOU, CARTER." "GOOD PLAN "B"." "PLAN "B"?" "YOU ARE GOING OUT WITH A FRIEND OF MINE TONIGHT, BUSTER!" "HOW IMMATURE ARE YOU?" "I'M NOT IMMATURE." "JUST IN CASE SHE'S AN UGGO." "WELL, AM I..." "GLAD NIKKI THOUGHT OF SETTING US UP." "I MEAN, WE JUST MET, AND--AND ALREADY I'M FEELING COMFORTABLE." "THAT'S UNUSUAL, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW," "SOMETIMES THESE THINGS CAN BE PRETTY AWKWARD." "I CAN TELL WITHIN 15 MINUTES" "WHETHER OR NOT I'M GONNA HAVE SEX WITH A GUY." "REALLY?" "I, UH..." "HAVE AN AUNT WHO CAN GUESS PEOPLE'S FAVORITE COLORS." "COME ON." "EVERYBODY'S THE SAME WAY." "AT LEAST I HAVE THE GUTS TO ADMIT IT." "SO..." "WHEN DO MY 15 MINUTES START?" "THEY ALREADY DID." "I CAN HANDLE PRESSURE." "I DEAL WITH IT EVERY DAY." "THRIVE ON IT." "14:58..." "UH, CAN I GET SOME WINE, PLEASE?" "HURRY!" "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "COMING!" "(SINGSONG) COMING!" "(EXHALES)" "SPENCE KAMER!" "HOW YOU DOIN', CARTER?" "OK." "GOT THROUGH THAT." "HA HA." "YEAH." "COME ON IN." "SIT DOWN." "OHHH..." "I MISS THIS COUCH!" "YEAH, WELL." "YOU GOT THE STEREO." "I GOT THE COUCH." "I DIDN'T SAY I WANT THE COUCH." "I JUST SAID I MISS THE COUCH." "UH, WHITE WINE OK?" "SURE, THANKS." "YOU LOOK GREAT." "YEAH, YOU, TOO." "I LIKE THAT GOATEE." "YEAH, WELL, THEY, UH..." "SEEM PRETTY HIP," "BUT YOU GET A FEW STRAY HAIRS GROWING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION," "YOU START TO LOOK LIKE COUNT CHOCULA!" "AND THAT'S NOT GOOD." "NO." "UH, WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND?" "IS SHE COMING?" "I THOUGHT YOU SAID SHE WAS COMING." "NOT THAT I'M NOT GLAD TO SEE YOU." "IT'S JUST THAT-- AHEM." "I'M BABBLING." "IT'S OK, THOUGH, ACTUALLY." "I KINDA MISS THAT." "I ASKED HER TO STOP BY LATER." "I WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME ALONE WITH YOU FIRST," "IF THAT'S OK." "OH." "OK." "WHATEVER." "BOY!" "JUST RELAX, OK?" "DRINK THE WINE..." "BREATHE THE SECONDHAND SMOKE... (INHALES)" "AND THINK ABOUT THE EMPTINESS OF YOUR LIFE." "DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE DARK?" "SIDDOWN." "EVERYONE'LL WIND UP HERE, EVENTUALLY." "THEY ALWAYS DO." "NO, NO." "NOT NIKKI." "SHE'S OUT WITH KEVIN." "SHE'S PROBABLY LAUGHING AT HIS JOKES, HIS STORIES..." "WHAT'S HE DO?" "HE'S A COMEDIAN." "YOU KNOW SHE'LL FALL FOR THE GUY," "AND I'LL GET TO HEAR ABOUT IT EVERY DAY" "UNTIL MY EARS BLEED." "I HATE THIS." "OH, PAUL, THIS IS SO SEXY!" "YOU'RE TELLING ME." "AND WATCH YOUR FEET." "THIS IS GONNA BE" "THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY OF YOUR LIFE, DARLIN'." "AND DIP." "OOH!" "I'M SORR" "I'M SO SORRY!" "I'M SORRY!" "OH!" "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?" "I'M OK." "I'M OK, HONEY." "I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE BEST PLACE TO DANCE." "IT'S JUST..." "WELL, I WANTED TO START OUR EVENING" "IN THE ROOM WHERE OUR LIPS FIRST MET." "OH, PAUL." "SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET RIGHT NOW," "AND I'M YOURS FOREVER." "(MUSIC PLAYS)" "TANGO?" "TAKE ME." "TONIGHT..." "CUPID'S ARROW WILL STRIKE SHARPLY AND PRECISELY." "OPEN!" "(GAGS)" "OOH!" "OOH!" "I'M SORRY!" "OH, I'M SORRY!" "I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN OUT THE THORNS." "I'M SORRY." "(RING RING)" "AH." "SO..." "HOW'D I DO?" "I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU TONIGHT." "WELL." "THEN, UH..." "I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU, EITHER." "GOOD NIGHT, MICHAEL FLAHERTY." "GOOD NIGHT, VERONICA VERONICA." "SO I GATHERED A FEW THOUSAND OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS," "AND WE SWARMED THE STATE LEGISLATURE." "WE GOT ARRESTED, BUT WE GOT RESULTS." "STILL DOING THE WHOLE ANGRY BLACK MAN THING, HUH?" "YEAH, WELL, I THINK IT WORKS FOR ME." "TRIED THE ANGRY CHINESE MAN THING, BUT..." "COULDN'T SEEM TO NAIL IT." "WELL, THE CARTER I KNEW WOULDA NAILED THAT CHINESE MAN." "OR AT LEAST BOUGHT HIM A FEW DRINKS." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "GOD, I MISS LAUGHING LIKE THIS." "YEAH, I KNOW." "THIS IS GREAT." "HEY!" "UH..." "MIKE!" "UH..." "WHAT--WHAT HAPPENED TO..." "VERONICA?" "PFF!" "I DUMPED HER." "SPENCE KAMER, MIKE FLAHERTY." "MIKE FLAHERTY." "HEY, UH, SPENCE." "HEY, MIKE." "SO, SPENCE, WHEN'S THIS MYSTERY WOMAN SHOWING UP?" "ACTUALLY, I ASKED HER TO COME BY A LITTLE LATER," "BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING" "WHILE WE WERE, UH, ALONE." "(SIGHS)" "THAT'S OK." "I HAVE NO SECRETS FROM MIKE." "WE'RE VERY CLOSE." "OK." "CARTER, MELISSA AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED." "TO WHO?" "LISTEN, CARTER, I FOUND OUT A LOT ABOUT MYSELF" "IN THE LAST YEAR, AND THE FACT IS, I'M STRAIGHT," "AND WE'RE GETTING MARRIED." "I CAME HERE TO ASK YOU TO BE MY BEST MAN." "I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "ALL RIGHT-- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT." "LEMME CUT STRAIGHT TO THE CHASE." "I CAN'T STOP SAYING "STRAIGHT."" "THIS UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU?" "A LITTLE BIT." "YEAH." "SO IT'S NOT JUST ME." "NO." "WELL, WE GOT THAT STRAIGHT." "YOU SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?" "OH, I'M FINE." "I THINK THE BLEEDING'S ALMOST STOPPED." "(LAUGHS)" "SO..." "DO YOU TRUST ME?" "FOREVER." "WELL, THAT'S GOOD." "BECAUSE..." "OOH!" "ARE YOU GOING TO INTERROGATE ME UNTIL YOU BREAK MY WILL" "AND I SUBMIT TO YOUR EVERY DESIRE?" "NO." "I JUST THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE NEAT." "NOW, DON'T BE AFRAID." "OK." "THIS IS JUST PHASE 2." "(POP)" "OH, I KNOW THAT SOUND." "PHASE 3..." "IS A CARRIAGE RIDE AROUND THE CITY." "OOH!" "THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE." "WELL..." "I HAVE A COUPON." "DRINK." "AND NOW, MY DARLING," "CHASE IT DOWN WITH THIS." "MMM!" "WHAT IS THAT TASTE?" "IT'S VERY INTERESTING." "MMM." "HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A STRAWBERRY TASTES LIKE?" "(WHIMPERS)" "HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW SHE WAS ALLERGIC TO STRAWBERRIES?" "REFRESH MY MEMORY." "WAS PHASE 3 THE ROMANTIC CARRIAGE RIDE" "OR THE TRIP TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM?" "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER." "HER HEAD SWELLED UP." "HER FACE TURNED BLUE." "SHE LOOKED LIKE THAT CRAZY GIRL FROM WILLY WONKA." "WILL YOU LOOK AT NIKKI?" "IF I DIDN'T KNOW HER, I'D MAKE A MOVE ON HER." "BUT I DO KNOW HER." "AND SHE KNOWS ME." "IF YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A MOVE, YOU GOTTA HAVE AN EDGE." "YOU CAN'T BE NORMAL, JAMES." "HEY, JAMES." "BROUGHT YOU A BEER." "YOU WANTED A LIGHT, RIGHT?" "YEAH, THANKS." "HEY, NIKKI," "LET'S SIT OVER AT THAT TABLE." "WHY?" "WHY?" "WHY?" "PAUL FEELS REALLY BAD ABOUT CLAUDIA," "AND I'D JUST LIKE A MOMENT ALONE" "TO COMFORT HIM." "OK." "I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT, STUART." "I REALLY DO, BECAUSE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CLAUDIA IS" "DON'T CARE." "I'LL BE RATIONAL ABOUT THIS." "I'M SURE THIS HAPPENS TO THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE" "THOUSANDS OF TIMES." "YOU REALLY THINK SO?" "I'M SORRY." "YOU--YOU WERE STARTING TO TALK." "I MADE HIM STRAIGHT, MIKE." "I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL" "IF A WOMAN YOU WERE DATING" "LEFT YOU TO BE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?" "JUST A SECOND." "TRYING TO PICTURE IT." "IT'S NOT JUST THAT HE'S MOVED ON." "IT'S THAT..." "EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE" "SAYS THAT I'VE BEEN STANDING STILL." "HE'S CHANGED HIS SEXUAL ORIENTATION." "I CAN'T EVEN CHANGE THE MESSAGE ON MY ANSWERING MACHINE!" "YOU ARE BEING TOO HARD ON YOURSELF." "ALL RIGHT?" "YOU BOUGHT THAT NEW BREAD MAKER." "THANKS, MIKE." "I'LL CLING TO THAT." "SPENCE KNOWS ME BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD." "IT PROBABLY TOOK HIM 5 SECONDS TO FIGURE OUT" "I WAS STILL WAITING FOR HIM." "HE'S GONNA COME BACK FEELING SORRY FOR ME." "I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE THAT." "LISTEN, CARTER..." "I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS." "WELL, NOT EXACTLY THIS, BUT..." "SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR, AND--AND" "AND I KNOW HOW PAINFUL THIS CAN BE." "IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU," "JUST ASK, ALL RIGHT?" "EVEN IF--EVEN IF I CAN MAKE TONIGHT A LITTLE BIT EASIER." "YOU KNOW, I--I'M AT YOUR SERVICE." "I'M IN YOUR CORNER." "I'M ON YOUR TEAM." "THANKS, HONEY." "ISN'T THIS JUST GREAT?" "I MEAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS." "THE TWO OF YOU, THE TWO OF US SITTING HERE," "GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER." "ME, TOO." "MICHAEL?" "ISN'T THIS GREAT?" "OH, SURE..." "HONEY." "S-SO, MELISSA... (GIGGLES)" "HOW'D YOU TWO MEET?" "WE WORKED TOGETHER ON AN AD CAMPAIGN." "IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS GAY." "HE WAS!" "DOES ANYBODY WANT A BEER OR..." "I, UH, I'LL TAKE A COUPLE DOZEN." "I'LL HELP YOU." "OH, I DON'T KNOW." "FEW MINUTES ALONE WITH YOU," "I MIGHT COME BACK STRAIGHT!" "(CHUCKLES)" "HELL, I MIGHT COME BACK WHITE!" "JAMES, REALLY, THIS IS UNNECESSARY." "AH, YES, BUT A GESTURE IS ROMANTIC" "LARGELY BECAUSE IT IS UNNECESSARY." "THINK ABOUT IT." "I'D RATHER NOT." "JAMES, YOU'RE ACTING REALLY WEIRD." "LISTEN, NIKKI, UH..." "YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME, BUT YOU DON'T." "YOU ONLY KNOW A..." "OFFICE JAMES." "DON'T GET ME WRONG." "GREAT GUY." "LOVE HIM." "HE'S HARMLESS, YOU KNOW?" "HE'S THE KINDA GUY YOU GIVE YOUR KEYS TO" "IF YOU NEEDED SOMEONE TO FEED YOUR CATS." "YOU HAVE NEVER MET AFTER HOURS JAMES." "AFTER HOURS JAMES." "LET US JUST SAY YOU DON'T GIVE YOUR KEYS TO..." "AFTER HOURS JAMES." "YOU LOCK YOUR DOOR." "I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM," "AND WHEN I COME BACK," "I WANNA MEET ONE OF TWO PEOPLE" "EITHER OFFICE JAMES..." "OR OUTSIDE HAILING A CAB JAMES." "I'LL TELL YA, YOU..." "YOU'RE A VERY LUCKY GUY." "OH, YOU MEAN CARTER." "LUCKY." "LUCKY ME." "YOU KNOW, MIKE," "YOU ARE EXACTLY CARTER'S TYPE." "SUPER." "SO, MICHAEL," "WHEN DID YOU COME OUT?" "UH..." "HUH?" "OH." "FORGET IT." "DON'T SAY ANYTHING." "I CAN TELL." "YOU HAVEN'T YET, HAVE YOU?" "UH, WELL..." "MANHATTAN IS..." "SUCH A CONSERVATIVE TOWN." "(BREATHING HEAVILY)" "AH." "SO, CARTER," "WHADDAYA SAY?" "WOULD YA LIKE TO BE MY BEST MAN?" "I--I'D LOVE TO, BUT I'M REALLY BUSY." "WE HAVEN'T SET A DATE YET." "WE COULD PLAN IT AROUND YOUR SCHEDULE." "BUSY, BUSY, BUSY." "I CAN BARELY COME UP FOR AIR." "TELL HIM." "TELL HIM, MIKE." "BUSY AS A LITTLE BEE." "COME ON, CARTER." "DON'T BE LIKE THIS." "STOP PUSHING ME." "YOU ALWAYS DID THAT." "IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY." "IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, OK?" "!" "CAN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING TO HIM?" "YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE" "WHEN HE'S IN ONE OF HIS MOODS." "MY DATE WAS A BUST." "THANK YOU, NIKKI." "CARTER, HOW'D THINGS GO WITH SPENCE?" "HE'S NOT EVEN MY TYPE ANYMORE." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING." "PAUL, YOU AND CLAUDIA?" "TRIED TO KILL HER." "HI, VERONICA." "HI." "LOOK, I BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING," "AND I DECIDED I ACTED BADLY EARLIER." "I MADE A BIG MISTAKE." "YOU'RE A MAN." "I'M A WOMAN." "IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY." "THERE'S NO REASON WE SHOULDN'T HAVE SEX." "OK." "IS THIS REAL," "OR DID SOMEONE SET THIS UP TO MAKE ME CRAZY?" "ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON A MINUTE, ALL RIGHT?" "YOU KNOW, I HAVE FEELINGS." "YOU CAN'T JUST COME WALTZING IN HERE AND EXPECT ME" "YES OR NO?" "YES." "I'LL LET YOU SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOUR FRIENDS," "AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "WELL, WHO SAYS YOU DON'T GET REWARDED FOR GOOD DEEDS?" "HEY, SPENCE!" "LISTEN, CARTER, I COULDN'T LEAVE IT LIKE THAT." "WELCOME TO OUR TABLE OF ROMANTIC FAILURES, SPENCE." "YEAH." "MIKE'S THE ONLY LUCKY ONE HERE TONIGHT." "OF COURSE." "HE'S GOT CARTER." "MIKE AND CARTER?" "WHADDAYA MEAN MIKE AND CART" "(WHACK) OW!" "OW!" "SOMEBODY KICKED ME!" "SORRY." "SORRY." "I WAS JUST UNCROSSING MY LEGS." "NO PROBLEM." "WHADDAYA MEAN MIKE AND" "(WHACK) OW!" "OW!" "OW!" "SORRY." "ME AGAIN." "ME AGAIN." "JUST GETTING CROWDED THERE." "WELL, PLEASE!" "I BRUISE EASILY." "WHAT--OW!" "OW!" "THAT WAS ME." "(CHUCKLES)" "I MEAN, WHY SHOULDN'T I GET TO PLAY?" "UH, SPENCE, MIKE AND I HAVEN'T TOLD EVERYONE HERE" "THAT WE WERE IN LOVE..." "YET." "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS." "YOU FINALLY..." "TELL ME YOU LOVE ME YOU DO IT HERE." "SO, YOU WANNA GET OUTTA HERE?" "BOY, ARE YOU BARKIN' UP THE WRONG TREE." "THEN I GUESS I'LL BE GOING." "I'LL SEE YOU TO THE DOOR." "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, FELLAS." "YOU KNOW, I WORK WITH NIKKI, TOO." "YOU'RE NOT STUART, RIGHT?" "NO." "WELL, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING." "FEEL BETTER?" "NO, NOT REALLY." "WISH YOU WERE A LITTLE MORE PETTY AND VINDICTIVE?" "YEAH, PRETTY MUCH." "I KNOW HOW THAT GOES." "I STILL WANT HIM IN MY LIFE." "SO..." "THIS IS BEING GAY." "YEAH." "THIS IS WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING FOR." "AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO HANG AROUND AND EXPERIMENT," "I MUST GET BACK TO THE HETEROSEXUAL WORLD." "MIKE, I REALLY APPRECIATE" "NO, DON'T." "DON'T EVEN SAY IT." "YOU WERE THERE FOR ME," "AND WHENEVER YOU NEED IT," "I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU." "GOOD." "WEDDING'S IN JUNE." "YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO GET A TUX." "OH, I RUINED VALENTINE'S DAY." "OH, PAULIE, IT'S JUST ONE NIGHT." "BESIDES, IT'S, WHAT, ONLY 10 TO 12:00." "THERE'S STILL TIME LEFT FOR ROMANCE." "REALLY?" "YEAH." "WHY DON'T YOU START BY GETTING ME A DRINK?" "I COULD USE ONE." "THAT'LL TAKE TOO LONG." "HERE, TAKE MINE." "I'LL GET A FRESH ONE." "OK." "THANK YOU, HONEY." "MMM." "I KNOW THAT TASTE." "IT'S A DAIQUIRI." "I'LL CALL AN AMBULANCE." "[MAN] SIT, UBU, SIT." "GOOD DOG." "[UBU BARKS]"