"Will." "Will, would you hurry up already?" "If you think you can do it any faster, then you come in here." "Oh, stop your squawking." "We only have 15 minutes to do this." "Hey, look, I just ain't trying to be out there looking stupid, all right?" "Let's do this." "And action." "Hi." "As the king of poultry, I know what good chicken should taste like, and if you..." "Hold up, Carlton." "Wait a minute." "A chicken eating chicken?" "That's just sick." "Hilary's gonna need her stage in five minutes." " Oh, for crying out loud." "Whoa, whoa." "Hey, hey, girl." "What's up?" "How you doing?" "Hey." "What part of the chicken you like?" "Excuse me." "Break it up." "You, out." "Big Bird, back to work." "I don't know why I'm doing this dumb mess in the first place." "Because if you don't, I'll fire you from the Peacock." "You'll drop out of school and be wrestling for scraps with a guy named Joe in the dumpster behind the Sizzler." "But, hey, you have to live your own life." "Hi." "As the ain't-got-no-damn-choice king of poultry..." "Cut." "I am not experiencing happy chicken here." " Now I'm a happy chicken." " Wait a minute, where are you going?" " We haven't finished shooting the ad yet." " Look, Carlton." "I've had it, man." "I'm 20 years old and I'm in a chicken suit." "You know, I'm just sick and tired of doing these stupid jobs." "With all due respect, Will, you're not exactly overqualified." "Read my beak:" "I quit." "Wait a minute, you can't quit." "Get back here." "I'm your boss." "You better get back here." "Will, you better..." " Come back to the set." "I'm done, no." " I need you on the set." "What's going on?" "It's him." "He started it." "Hill, do you have any job openings?" "I don't know." "Ask Werner." "He's the producer." " Well, do you?" " Uh..." "As a matter of fact, we've been looking for an assistant talent coordinator." "It's a lot of hard work, but there's room for advancement." "All right." "Assistant talent coordinator." "Hey, I mean, I can assist." "I'm talented." "Definitely coordinated." "Hey, Carlton Banks here." "I'm Hilary's brother." "I've been considering a vocational change for some time now..." "Whoa, whoa, wait." "What are you doing here, Teeny?" "You already got a good job." "This is a better job, so step aside." "Anyway, as I was saying..." "You know, guys, I make it a rule to stay clear of all domestic disputes." "So, uh, Hilary?" " Hilary, I never asked you for nothing." " Okay, you're hired." " Yes." " Whoa, wait a minute." "What about me?" "I'm your brother." "Okay, then you can have the job." "Ha, ha." "This is easy." " Hilary, you just said that I could..." " Okay, then you can have the job." " But you gave me the job." " I'm getting a headache." "Werner?" "Handle this, please?" "I've worked in management for two years." "I can type 100 words a minute, I take shorthand, speak French and Spanish." "I'm pre-law with a 4.0 average." "And you?" "Well, you know, I mean, I don't like to brag..." " But?" " Oh, that's it." "I just don't like to brag." "Pay no attention to him." "He's a chicken." "But it was your idea for me to be in this stupid suit." "That's right, you've got it." "Ha, ha." "He's a follower not a leader." "No, sir." "I'm your man, Werner." "Listen, why don't we go grab lunch and you can bring me up to speed." "You know, you remind me of myself." "I used to be an entry-level butt-kisser too." "Jazz, I'm telling you, man." "I would've been perfect for that job." "That big Blow Pop head swindled his way in and took what was mine." "Damn." "That's even worse than getting beat up by a girl." "But anyway, this ought to cheer you up." ""Come get your freak on at Club Freak On."" "Took me a long time to find something that rhymed with Freak On." " Hey." "Hey." " Oh, well, well." "MC Steal-a-Job is in the house." "Do I detect a little hostility, Will?" "Sour grapes perchance?" "Face it, you couldn't handle the responsibility of a real job." "It's not who you are." "Leave the handling of the likes of Maurice Perry to professionals." "Maurice Perry, the comedian?" "The one and only." "He's gonna be here any minute with Hilary and Werner to talk about the possibilities of being on my show." " Your show?" " It's only a matter of time." "Anyway, we're gonna need the house." "So if you two don't mind..." "Even if you do mind, go away." " Master Carlton, your guest has arrived." " Hey, look here, Thumbelina..." "Pay no attention to my unemployed friend here." "You really ought to bring Maurice past the club tonight." "I'm sure he wouldn't be interested." "Besides, I have the pleasure of escorting his sister around town tonight." "Oh, two of y'all can fit on a Big Wheel?" "You were funnier with your beak on." "That's it." "Beak on." ""Come get your beak on at..."" "Shut up." "Then this Chinese guy comes in and says, "Supplies." "Supplies."" "Oh, that is so funny." "I don't get it, but you are so funny." " Pleased to meet you." " Pleased to meet you." "I've always enjoyed your comedy." "I'm somewhat known for my bon mots myself." "Excuse me, Bonbon?" "We're not finished talking yet." "Maurice, this is my cousin." "Although we never really did a background check." "Oh, please." "Sit down." "Sit down." "This is a business meeting." "Why don't you go back into the kitchen and play with your future cell mate?" "So, Maurice, Hilary and I just wanna thank you for giving us the opportunity to sit and chat a bit." "Now, we're syndicated in all primary markets now and we're scheduled to expand..." "Oh, speaking of schedules, Carlton." "The clinic called." "You're still on for your implant tomorrow." "Anyway, heh, our demographics at the moment are very similar to..." "Ooh, Carlton, what is that on your lip?" "Will, there's nothing on my lip." "Oh, nothing but the rotting residue of the lies you told to steal my job." "For God's sake, Will, accept it." "The better man won." "Yeah?" "Well, the bigger, badder man's about to beat the better man into oblivion." "Hello?" " Sorry, Hilary, but this just has to be said." "I've had about as much lip as I'm gonna take from you." "You think you can do this job?" "You think you've got the stuff to handle high-profile celebrities?" "You think it's easy catering to a low-rent Martin Lawrence wannabe?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Pardon me." "Pardon me." "I don't have to sit here and be insulted by some black Potsie Weber." "I'm out of here, okay?" "Werner, do something." "Oh, Will, this is all your fault." "All right, all right." "Hey, hey, hey." "Maurice, hold on, hold on." "Hey, listen, man, this really doesn't have anything to do with you." "You kind of drifted into a no-fly zone." "Look, Potsie don't know what he talking about, all right?" "Look, you are all of that, and the truth of the matter is Hilary's show is really cool, the audience is growing every day and you'd have a great time doing it." " I don't know." " Hey, look." "Come on, man." "I'm telling you." "The honeys is buzzing around there like a straight-up beehive, you know?" " You know?" " All right, I'll do the show." "All right." "But keep the Smurf away from me." " That's doable." "You're fired." " Aah!" "Will, you're hired." "Did you hear that?" "You're fired and I'm hired." "Did you hear the rumor that Carlton was fired and Will was hired?" "A court date has been set for the long awaited trial of Tanya Baine  the infamous show biz madam." "It is rumored that Miss Baine's pricey call girls  counted some of Hollywood's top leading men as clients." "The high-profile case has been assigned to the prominent Judge Philip Banks  who was shown here this morning leaving the courthouse." "I'm not to talk right now." "It would jeopardize the case." " No, I'm sorry." "Thank you very much." "One more question." "Please, if you could answer one question." "You know, it's true what they say, TV really does add 10 pounds." "Hmm." "What would account for the other 250?" "You know, you're not a man who enjoys employment, are you, Geoffrey?" " I thought you looked wonderful." " Thank you." " Let's go in the kitchen and get some..." " Food?" "Ha-ha-ha." "Shut up." " Hey." "Hey, hey, hey." "Well, I'm off to study." "Don't stay out too late." "It's a school night." "Ooh." "I'm sorry, Ashley." "Whoa." "Studying, huh?" "What is this, your geometry dress?" "Ellen wants to borrow it." "Oh." "Well, if it isn't the wise-cracking, job-taking, sister-stealing slug himself." "Whoo!" "Who's sucking on them sour grapes now, huh, Carlton?" "I mean, sure, you lost your new job and you can't get your old one back but we've all got problems." "Look at mine." "I've got to take out a famous comedian's beautiful sister and I'm out of Binaca." "But you don't hear me crying, do you?" "Will, promise me you'll be on your best behavior tonight." " Hey, aren't I always?" " I'm serious." "It's really important Maurice appear on my show." "Everything has to go smoothly with his sister tonight." "All kidding aside, I know how much this means to you, and it means a lot to me too." " I'm not gonna let you down." " Okay." "Thank you." "May I present Miss Jasmine Perry." "Now, which one of you handsome men is Big Willy?" "He is." "Mm." "I'm ready to get my freak on." "Looks like you already got it on." "Listen, uh, you wouldn't wanna go someplace you know, that was a little quieter, you know, maybe darker?" "You're a little ahead of me, Big Willy." "But I'm game." "Let's do this." " Whoa, whoa!" "Aah!" "Wait." " Let's go." "You know what?" "On second thought, I think this place will be just fine." "Aah!" "Hey, hey, hey." " Oh, I'm sorry." " Are you okay?" "Oh, no, it's my stomach." "I probably should've waited about an hour before we danced." "You know what?" "You know what?" "I should take you back to your hotel." "Whoo!" "Hey, girls, here I go." "All right." " Where's the troll?" " Oh, I put her back under her bridge." "No, man, I dropped her off at the hotel." "Ready to kick off round two." "Whoo!" "Ding, ding!" "Why don't you hurry and write your number down before I don't want it no more?" "Come on, let's dance." "Hey, what's up, Ash?" "Ashley?" "Oh, Will." "I can explain." " I can't explain." " Weren't you supposed to be studying?" "Oh, well, we did study, really fast, and then we came here." "You are learning entirely too much from me, young lady." "Oh, Will, it's just ginger ale." "Come on, let's get something to drink." "You're not gonna tell, are you?" "Behave yourself." " You too." "Hey." "Hey, you wanna get a dance off?" "Why don't you get Maurice something to drink?" "Whoo!" "You like that, huh?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Hey." "Hey, look who's here." " Where's Jasmine?" " Who?" "Jasmine." "Oh!" "You said, "Jasmine," I thought you said, "Jazz, man."" " Will, you dumped her, didn't you?" " Hey." "Hey." "Don't go conclusion jumping..." "You knew how important this was." "How could you do this?" " But what had happened was..." " You gave me your word." "You're right." "I'll take care of this, Hill." "Excuse me." "Oh, man." "Hey, G, did Jasmine call?" "No, I'm afraid not, sir." "I don't believe this." "She's not at the hotel." "She's not at the restaurant." "I don't know what to do." "If she tells her brother that I dumped her, ain't no way he's gonna do Hilary's show." "I cannot believe that I blew this." "First time I have a chance to prove that I'm not a joke and I am." "Perhaps you might enjoy a bowl of soup, sir." "Miss Jasmine brought it by for you." "She was here?" "Why didn't you say she was here?" "You asked if she called, sir." "G, come on, man." "Where is she?" "I don't know." "I believe Master Carlton took her to Club Freak On." "Why would he do that?" "Don't know, don't care." "Oh, I get it." "He's trying to steal his job back, and he's using Jasmine to do it." "Ooh!" "Jazz, did you see that girl I was here with earlier?" "Come on, man." "I'm still trying to forget." "Stop playing, man." "Where is she?" "Gone." "Boy, you got it bad." " Ashley." " Yes, Daddy?" "How was studying?" "Um, fine." "You know, the funniest thing happened." "You're never gonna believe..." "Uh-huh." "Will a week cover it?" "Better make it two." "Two's good." "Aah!" "So did you do it?" "Well, I hope you're happy now." "You know, you got what you wanted." "I'm out." "You're in." " Is that about it?" " No, sir." "I have only begun." "See, you know what kills me...?" "I was laughing while I was walking home because it's funny." "You know, how we can live together all these years, almost like brothers and you could still low-bridge me the way you did." " Are you about done?" " Oh, no, sir." " Furthermore, you little..." " Snake?" "Weasel?" " Oh, yes." " Nerd?" " Oh, yes." " How about square-headed short stack?" "This is not the way this is supposed to be going." "You're mad at me for stealing your job?" "Right." "You shouldn't have done that." "You knew how much I wanted this job." "And you demonstrated that by ditching your responsibility, Jasmine." "Who may not be a looker, but is quite an entertaining gal." "Look, fine." "Be that as it may, it does not change what you did and what you always do to me." "Man, you are just so selfish." "You got everything, but on top of that you gotta take everything that everybody else has." "Always about you." "Carlton." "Carlton." "Carlton." " You know what your problem is?" " No, I don't." "You're a slacker." "You say you want things but you're never willing to work for it." "You never make the sacrifice." "You think you're just gonna charm your way through." "Just like your father." "Let me tell you something." "I am nothing like my father, all right?" "And I didn't steal your job." "What are you talking about?" "Jasmine came by to see how you were feeling and I covered for you." "Her brother's gonna do the show." "Really?" "Well, why'd you do that?" "I thought you wanted that job." "I did." "But honestly, I thought you're better for it." "Yeah?" "And besides, the Ivy League looks down on the entertainment industry." "You had a great opportunity to split my wig tonight, man." "You usually don't pass up opportunities like that." "I thought it was time for a change." "Damn, man, you gonna be making changes in our relationship, you gotta let me know." "I could've been down at the club, you know." "There's some hundred percent USDA prime choice down there." "I could be tenderizing right now." "Tenderizing as we speak." "Hey, thanks a lot, man." "Look, I'm sorry about that, all right?" "Hey, you're gonna find something that's bigger and better." "I have no doubt." " Hey, I owe you, man." " Believe me, we're even." " No, no, no." "I owe you." " Trust me, we are definitely even." "Oh." "Listen, I'm tired." "Can you get that for me?" "Oh, yeah, no problem, buddy." "You know what?" "I gotta think of something real fly to do for Hill too." "Get me and her back even again." "Carlton was right." "It was only a three-and-a-half-hour virus." "I can't wait for you to take me to Santa Barbara for the weekend." "I hear they have nude beaches." "Carlton!"