"Dave?" "You're never gonna believe what happened." "Your Aunt Sylvia died and we're getting the money?" "No." "You're Aunt Sylvia died and we're not getting the money?" "No." "Howard and Rachel are getting divorced." "What?" "Are you serious?" "Howard and Rachel?" "Yeah." "They should be happy." "Their kids are all grown up and gone and everything." "They should be having sex in every room in the house." "I know." "It doesn't make any sense." "Well,you know what this means,right?" "If we break up Darren and Ursula, we'll be the only married couple on the block." "We win." "The prize: sex with the same person... for the rest of your life." "Come on,Dave,doesn't this bother you?" "No." "They were like our role models." "We moved to this neighborhood, they were just like us." "no.It's okay." "You don't think this means we're gonna end up like them,do you?" "Sweetie,relax,okay?" "We're fine,all right?" "Yeah,so were they,Dave." "Come on,relax,okay?" "You and I are in this for the long haul,all right?" "Besides,you know,we don't make enough money individually to afford to get divorced." "You're right.Plus,how could I ever leave a romantic guy like you?" "Sweetie,we're great,okay?" "We have romance,trust,passion." "Come on,we're a team." "That's true." "We're fine,yeah." "We're good." "They have nothing to do with us." "We don't even know what went wrong with them." "Yeah." "If I had to guess,I would say she wasn't putting out enough." "From what I heard,she was only giving it to him three or four times a week." "If I were you,I'd do it a little more, just to be on the safe side." "Oh,yeah?" "If I had to guess,I would say it was 'cause he wasn't earning enough." "So if I were you,I'd earn a little more, you know,just to be on the safe side." "Hey,hey,hey." "What's with the bag?" "You're not running away again,are you?" "No,Daddy,I'm going to Brenda's house." "Brenda,Brenda...?" "A good dad would remember which one is Brenda." "And what are you gonna be doing with Brenda,huh?" "Be specific,please." "Fine." "We're going to the mall where we'll shop and flirt with boys, but no one will actually touch me, and then I'm staying over at Brenda's house, and we'll talk about how we should be doing drugs because our parents are driving us crazy," "but we won't actually do any,and then we'll watch a video and go to sleep,alone." "Okay?" "Okay." "What are you doing Sunday?" "Good-bye,Daddy." "You're not trying to move objects with your mind again,are you?" "No." "I'm just getting ready to call Chloe, this hot older woman." "I met her in the library." "She's 16." "Okay,I followed her to the library... nine blocks." "Never spotted me." "And she gave you her number?" "What,did you meet her in the Braille section?" "What?" "Oh,come on." "I'm breaking your chops, I'm breaking your chops." "I want to witness the magic." "Hey,is Chloe there?" "Uh,no,thank you." "I don't want to accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior." "Dad,does this look like a seven or a nine?" "Actually,it looks like a one-- one in a million chance this is a real number." "Ha!" "Relax." "I'm breaking your chops again." "That's what chop breakers do,we break chops." "Take it easy." "She did give me her number,and I gave her my number,and I'm sure she'll give me a call." "Yeah,I bet." "You'll see." "It's probably her right now." "Hello?" "Well,hello,there!" "Am I happy to hear from you.And might I just say,you looked really hot yesterday." "Hey,M, it's Grandma." "Hey,what's up?" "Hey.Oh,nothing." "Oh,except Howard called,and he left his new number.I wrote it down." "Oh,yeah?" "Where is it?" "I threw it away." "Why?" "We're not talking to Howard anymore." "We have to choose sides,and we choose Rachel." "Why Rachel?" "Because she's my friend." "But you have plenty of other friends." "Yeah,none who will share a bottle of wine with me in the middle of the afternoon." "If Rachel's not getting custody of their Yankees season tickets," "I choose Howard,because he's my friend, and I like him." "You only know Howard because Rachel's my friend." "And I want to support her." "Fine,fine.You have Rachel's back, and I have Howard's back... at least until he gives me my Brazilian Bubble Butt DVD collection back." "I mean it.I don't want you hanging out with him,honey,okay?" "Fine,fine." "But just let it be known, at one point,I did in fact have a friend." "Don't touch the phone!" "Don't touch the phone,I got it,I got it." "It's for me." "Hello." "Uh,just a sec." "Dad,it's Hillary." "What does she want?" "How should I know?" "Just make it quick." "I'm expecting a call." "I am!" "It's coming!" "Hello." "Hi,Daddy." "What's going on,Hillary?" "Where are you?" "I fell and I hurt my ankle." "I'm at the emergency room." "Okay,just relax,okay?" "We'll be there in ten minutes." "Actually,it's gonna take a little longer than ten minutes." "What the hell kind of mall did you go to?" "Did I say "mall"?" "I meant "ski resort"." "What's going on?" "We're going to Deer Mountain." "Why don't I get to go?" "Hillary's in the hospital." "You want to go to the hospital?" "Keep bugging me." "What?" "Is Hillary okay?" "Yeah,honey." "She hurt her ankle skiing." "She's gonna be fine." "Larry,you're in charge." "Really?" "Yeah.And let me tell you guys something, all right?" "There are nanny cams hidden throughout this entire house.All right?" "Anything could be a nanny cam." "You could be watching the TV, or the TV could be watching you." "You never know,okay?" "So don't try any funny business,because I will know,my friends." "I will know." "I'm telling you right now,boys are involved, all right?" "Girls don't sneak off to go skiing..." "to go skiing." "Honey,you know what?" "It's a really long drive." "Let's just relax and think about something else." "Good idea." "Okay." "How should we punish her?" "I got an idea." "We're gonna shave her head." "We'll see how many boys like her then.Remind me to stop off and get some shaving cream." "You know what?" "Forget that." "We're gonna do it dry." "Hey,I got an idea." "You want to play license plate bingo?" "Wow!" "Ohio!" "Come on,we're already playing a game." "It's called "How do we torture Hillary?"" "You're so good at planning punishments for the kids." "Remember that time you made Mike wear that t-shirt that said "White Power,"" "and we threatened to drop him off in Harlem?" "He ate his Brussels sprouts that night." "You know what I was thinking?" "We should eat in the dining room more often." "I mean,what are we saving it for?" "Hey,what's going on with you?" "Nothing." "What do you mean?" "You're acting funny." "No,I'm not." "Yes,you are.What's going on?" "Gum?" "Tell me what's going on." "No,nothing." "Tell me what's going on." "Here's that receipt I was looking for." "Tell me what's going on." "Dave,nothing." "Tell me.Tell me." "I want to know what's going on." "Tell me what's going on.I don't want candy." "All right!" "Okay!" "Fine!" "I told Hillary she could go." "The War at Home Season 01 Episode 19" "Don't touch the phone!" "I got it." "It's for me." "Hello." "Yeah,this is Larry." "Chloe!" "Man,am I glad you called." "Are you okay?" "You sound a little weird." "No,I'm not feeling all right,Larry." "I've been thinking about you, and now my girl parts are all achy." "Your boy parts are gonna be all achy." "Ha!" "I'm not falling for it again." "Don't be an idiot." "I'm standing right here." "Hello." "Chloe?" "I knew you'd call." "I hope one of those nanny cams is getting all this." "So my parents are out of town for e night." "You want to come over?" "You're with your friend Ashley?" "Oh,well." "That's too bad.Maybe we can..." "Uh,sorry about that." "Anyway,what I was saying was, I have a friend here,too." "Why don't you both come over and we can... party." "Sweet." "Bye." "What do you think you're doing?" "Scoring myself a hookup." "She's 16." "Good." "Then I won't have to show her the ropes." "Since when do we make decisions without consulting each other?" "Okay." "I'm sorry." "I know,I made a mistake." "How many times do I have to apologize?" "I don't know,but you're not there yet." "All this time we were talking about being a united front," "I had no idea you were talking about you and Hillary." "I mean,why didn't you tell me about this?" "I didn't think it was that big of a deal." "I knew if I asked you,you'd say no like you always do, and so,I just didn't have the energy to argue about it for two hours." "Ha,ha!" "Well,the joke's on you, 'cause the drive takes three hours." "Ha-ha." "Got you trapped." "Fine." "She's 16." "She's a good kid,you know?" "We should just start trusting her." "When my mom finds out that I lied to her about this trip,she's going to kill me." "I'm telling you,it's just Hillary and some of her friends,and Harmony's mom." "There are no boys involved." "She's going to know that there were boys,because I have a hickey the size and color of a poker chip!" "Problem solved." "Okay." "What about a chaperone?" "You got one of those?" "And this Harmony's mother-- she could be a drug addict for all we know." "Would you stop being so paranoid?" "Not everyone in the world is conspiring to lie behind your back." "Okay,here's what we'll do." "Your parents don't even know Harmony's mom, so we'll ask that woman over there to pretend to be our chaperone." "Yeah,I think Harmony's mother probably shouldn't be nursing a gunshot wound." "You know what your problem is,Dave?" "You think the worst of everyone." "Oh,yeah?" "Well,you know what your problem is?" "Yeah,I married you instead of Blake Newman." "No,that's my problem." "Oh,my God." "We've got the whole house to ourselves,and girls are coming over." "Whatever you do,please,Larry,please don't talk about Star Wars.All right." "Or we'll both end up spending the night with Hand Solo." "Stop that." "I am totally cool." "Oh my God,that's them,that's them!" "Is that out of your system now?" "Yes,it is." "Hey,Chloe." "It's good to see you." "Hey." "This is my friend,Ashley." "And this is my friend,Mike." "Hey." "Hey." "You're kind of..." "little." "Big things come in small packages,babe." "Aw,look at you,sweetie." "I can't believe what your mother did to you." "I mean,she let you go on this ski trip and now look at you." "You're practically a cripple." "Would you stop?" "It's only a sprain." "How do I know it's just a sprain,because you say so?" "How can I trust what you say?" "That's right,Dave." "The hospital,the doctors,the X-ray technician-- we're all working together to make sure your daughter doesn't get the proper treatment." "Yeah." "I wouldn't put it past you." "Come on,honey." "Let's go back to the condo and get your stuff." "That's all right." "I'll bring it home for you." "No,no." "I want to stop off and thank Harmony's mom." "That's okay." "I'll thank her for you." "There is no Harmony's mom,is there?" "Is there even a Harmony?" "You lied to me?" "Oh,God." "Here it comes." "Good thing I'm already in an emergency room." "What are you mad at her for?" "This is all your fault." "Look at the example you set for her." "You know what?" "Why don't we just stop talking to each other?" "Fine." "But if we were talking,you know what I'd say?" "I was right,you were wrong." "I'm smart,you're not." "And I got to use the john" "Uh,where's the nasal spray?" "Where's the nasal spray?" "You haven't spoken to me in four hours, and that's the first thing you have to say to me?" "All right,let me rephrase it." "Where's the nasal spray,you lying liar?" "I used up all the nasal spray, and I purposely didn't tell you!" "Good,good,good." "Yeah." "No,sit there,read your magazines." "And you wonder why your friends Howard and Rachel are getting divorced,right?" "You don't think it has anything to do with them being deceptive, lying to each other and keeping secrets,huh?" "I said I was sorry." "I apologized." "Look,I didn't want to get in a fight tonight, but apparently,you do,so are you ready?" "Oh,I'm ready." "How about the time you used your ten-year-old son's savings account to go to Atlantic City?" "She knows about that?" "Okay,I guess I wasn't ready." "What's the big deal?" "I doubled his money." "That's just the tip of the iceberg,you know?" "But do I hold a grudge?" "No." "I let everything you do slide,but I make one little mistake,and you won't let it go." "One little mistake.One little mistake." "How do I know there's not a bunch of little mistakes,huh?" "I mean,what else are you hiding from me,huh?" "I mean,are those even real?" "Yeah,they're real." "Real tired of having you paw them." "Excuse me." "No." "Excuse me." "Good morning." "It's not a good morning for me." "I had to sleep on that couch." "And I had a terrible nightmare that my marriage was a string of lies, and I was drowning in a sea of your mother's deception." "Oh,wait." "That's real." "What's the matter?" "Did someone make a boom-boom in their diaper?" "Wow." "They keep it up, I can go get my tongue pierced." "Hey,where you going?" "Hey,I don't have to explain anything to you." "Fine." "I'm hanging out with Howard." "Remember him?" "Yeah,my friend that dumped your friend." "The friend I said I wouldn't hang out with anymore." "Well,I changed my mind without telling you." "You just did tell me." "Well,I changed my mind again." "Larry... what do you think of this shirt?" "It's not something I would wear." "Perfect." "What are you doing?" "Oh,um,Ashley's coming over." "I think she's really into me." "What?" "!" "I can't believe that." "I-I didn't hear back from Chloe." "I can't even get her to return my e-mails." "Uh,yeah,about that..." "Um,look,Larry,Ashley told me that Chloe thinks you're a little..." "immature for your age." "Oh,yeah?" "Well,let's how mature Ashley thinks you are when she sees that you still wear Spider-Man underpants." "First of all,they're Batman, all right,they're Batman." "Second of all,if Ashley actually gets to see my underpants," "I don't care what she thinks of me." "I mean,do you understand my point,Howard?" "I mean,how doe she know I wouldn't have let Hillary go skiing?" "I mean,I'm all for any activity where she has to wear extra clothes and she's going too fast,so no one can touch her." "I thought we were here to talk about my divorce." "Geez,no wonder Rachel left him." "It's all "me,me,me," with this guy." "And then,Rachel,Dave has the nerve to get all high and mighty." "Like he's never screwed up or lied before." "That reminds me of the way Howard would always just..." "Could you hold that thought,Rachel?" "I want to get it out while it's still fresh in my mind." "You think Vicky's bad?" "Rachel's been lying to me since the day I met her." "For starters, her name's not Rachel." "It's Anne." "And you want to talk about real betrayal..." "You know what,Howard,it's getting late and I should be getting home." "It all started with Rachel ignoring what I write on the grocery list." "You know it's been three years since I had a Triscuit." "And then,a couple of months ago, she buys a striped shirt, even though she knows it triggers my epilepsy." "The woman's trying to kill me,Dave." "relax" "I think you're exaggerating,Howard." "She threw a butter knife at me,Dave." "But with such force it pierced the skin right here on the clavicle area." "Wow." "I'm sorry." "I had no idea you guys had such problems." "Oh,I'm just getting started." "I don't know" " I guess I could put up with the rest of it if he wasn't such a hothead." "Well,at least your husband has opinions." "Howard's such a namby-pamby." "You know,I don't think he ever even raised his voice once in our entire marriage." "Really?" "That's such a nice change of pace." "I don't know,Vic-- when you're making love to a man you shouldn't have to ask if he's done." "It should be obvious." "With Dave,I get calls from the neighbor asking us to close the windows,and the windows are closed." "I know." "We're your neighbors." "I'm sorry." "Come on,isn't there something you and Howard can still do?" "Oh,I've tried everything." "Howard's just so passive." "You have no idea how many times I've tried to snap him out of it and get his attention and save the marriage." "But nothing has ever worked,until I finally..." "Mentioned getting divorced?" "No.XXXXXXXX" "Come here." "I'm such a jerk." "No,you're not." "Shut up." "It's me,I'm the jerk." "I was wrong." "No,no,I was wrong." "You tried to apologize and I gave you a hard time." "And I'm sorry." "I'd rather have somebody who cares too much than doesn't care at all." "I love you,okay?" "And I love that you don't throw butter knives at me." "I love you." "And I don't want to sleep with your brother." "Oh,crap." "Hey,hey,hey,come here." "Where are you going?" "You're not leaving the house,again,ever." "Yeah,go up to your room until we figure out what your punishment's going to be." "And I wouldn't bother shampooing your hair, 'cause I'm shaving your head." "We'll be up there in 20 minutes." "Better make that an hour." "Close the window." "Come on,XXXXXXXXXXXXX" "Hey,Ashley." "Yeah." "Hey,Larry." "Tell Chloe I said hello." "Yeah,like she'd care." "By the way,Ashley,you XXXXXXXXX" "What?" "You're 13?" "No,no,no,no,no,no." "Don't believe him." "Come on." "Oh,yeah,it's true." "Check it out." "Last year's sixth grade yearbook." "Cute picture of Mike playing tetherball in his little gym shorts,huh?" "You're lucky I didn't show her the shot of you in your cute little Speedo."