"(TWO PRINCES PLAYING)" "JAMIE:" "Whoo!" "Oh, yeah!" "Yeah, you want to dance?" "You don't mind if I get up in there, do you?" "(TWO PRINCES PLAYING IN THE STORE)" " This is kind of sexy." " Yeah." "Love it!" "You're kind of sexy." "You should take one of these." "Very lightweight on your shoulders, ladies." "Try it out, try it out." "There you go." "Feels good, yeah?" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Here." "Follow me, ladies." "Follow me to the cash register." "I see you guys." "You guys look like you smoke weed, right?" "Okay, you're gonna smoke a bowl, you're gonna buy one of these TVs." "Philips, all right." "You know, you're kind of high, feels good." "Samsung, kind of last year." "Magnavox, bam!" "That's an explosion!" "You're stoned, it'll blow your mind!" "You want to go really small, I got this one." "Really small." "Look at this flip-phone." "Look." "(MIMICS OLD MAN'S VOICE) "Hello, Joan." "What are you doing?"" " "l don't know." "What are you doing?" - (NORMAL VOICE) "I'm great."" " You are so bad." " Guys?" "Christy." "Hey." "(CHUCKLING)" "Said one, two princes kneel before you" "That's what I said now" "Here, take my card." "Take my card." "Take my card." "Okay?" "Take my card." "Go, Joan." "Go, Joan." "Go, Joan." "Go, Joan." "In the house." "Go, Joan." "Go, Joan." "Oh." "Sorry, Joan." "(CHRISTY MOANING)" "Okay, squeeze the nipple." "Squeeze the nipple." "Harder." "Okay." "Oh, my God!" " What are you doing?" " Feel that." "(TWO PRINCES BLARING ON SPEAKERS)" "We can't do this." "Jerry's right out there." "He can watch." "What makes you so damn sexy?" "Oh, my God." "(AUTOMATIC DIALING)" " (CELL PHONE RINGING)" " I promise you, man, 80 watts is more than you'll ever need for a living room." "Excuse me." " Hello?" " CHRISTY ON PHONE:" "Oh, Jesus." "Harder." "Oh!" " Okay." "Oh!" " What the..." " JERRY:" "You fucking piece of shit!" " (SLAPPING)" "You fucked up son of a bitch!" "Christy!" "What the hell is wrong with you?" " How can I ever trust you again?" " CHRISTY:" "I don't know." "I'm so sorry." " What the fuck is wrong with you?" " No, I..." "You know, Fujitsu makes the same unit for 40 bucks less." " Really?" " Yeah, but they don't sell it here." "Oh..." "But I could get it for you, if you want." "Oh!" "Are you, like, okay?" " Oh." " (AMBER LAUGHS)" " Yeah." " Okay." "Give me your number." "I'll let you know when I have it." "Um..." " What's your name?" " Amber." " You have beautiful eyes." " JERRY:" "Shut the fuck up, Christy!" "You." "Don't you ever fucking come in here again!" "You know what?" "You owe me commission on $54,000 worth of second-rate, knock-off, gray-market, off-brand, overpriced equipment, you son of a bitch." "I'll fucking kill you, you piece of shit!" "You know what?" "Why don't you just send it to me?" "Christy knows the address." "Amber!" "434-6603!" "JOSH:" "Why don't you tell Daddy what a downtown Chicago hospital is really like?" "Patient brought in with chills, nausea, ischemia, clearly in shock." "Did you do a CBC?" "HELEN:" "Excuse me, our protocols didn't exist when you went to medical school." "Oh!" "Yes, I've been under a rock these past 30 years." "How many transdermal intubations have you personally done?" "My dear, I teach medicine." "I no longer sully my hands touching actual patients." " Ha!" " Touch patients?" "Why would anybody want to do that?" "You are not allowed in this conversation." "Excuse me." "I've helped more patients than you ever will." "Can I pour this drink on your head?" "What is wrong with getting rich?" "God only knows you can't do that in medicine anymore." " He's right about that!" " Don't help him justify his laziness." "I already justified my laziness." "It's called $35 million on my first IPO." "Jamie, help me." " He's a geek who got lucky." " And he'll always be a geek." "(MUFFLED) Yeah?" "Well, this geek is taking back your shares." "JAMES:" "I don't blame you." "The profession was ruined when they let women in." "I'm killing both of you." "I'm killing all of you if you don't get in there and sit down." "And we get to keep all the shares." " Ugh!" " JOSH:" "All right." " NANCY:" "Jamie!" " (RASPBERRYING)" "JAMIE:" "Of course, it really happened." "Who wants to see a movie about protesting?" "Whatever." "To the sale of Josh's company!" " Whatever the hell it does." " Yes!" "Long live medical software." "And med school dropouts everywhere." "You'd better give some of this money away," " that's all I have to say." " Not gonna happen." "Jamie, what are you up to these days?" " Jamie's selling high-end stereo equipment." " Ha!" "Not anymore." "What do you mean?" "Well, let's just say Jamie had a falling out with management." "(SIGHING)" "I thought you were in real estate." "I am looking for other opportunities." "We're living through the greatest creation of wealth in modern history, and my brother decides to quit." "Josh has been talking to me about pharmaceutical sales." "Pharmaceutical sales?" "JOSH:" "Pharmaceutical sales." "You know, medicine that's supposed to help people get better." "(MUFFLED) Remember Timmy, my roommate from Brown?" "He's a VP at Pfizer." "So I said to Jamie," ""Jamie, if you suck on my cock, I'll get you an interview."" " Oh, Josh, watch your mouth!" " Watch your mouth!" "I said no, Mom." "I said no." "(CHUCKLING)" "Why would you wanna be a pharmaceutical rep?" ""Why would you wanna be a pharmaceutical rep?"" "Because it's the only entry-level job in America that pays over 100 grand a year." " That's why." " HELEN:" "No." "Those people come into our office with their roller bags and samples, like door-to-door-salesmen." "They are door-to-door-salesmen, only what they're selling grosses $87 billion a year!" "Yeah, and they're turning complex medical decisions" " into Madison Avenue impulse buying." " Oh, my God." "Look, I'm not selling to the patients, okay?" "No." "No, the patients just see the commercials on TV..." "I'm not even doing the job yet!" "...and demand their name-brand drugs from the doctors..." " JAMIE:" "Calm down, you're freaking out." " ...and there you are to supply them." "JAMIE:" "This is so crazy that you're yelling at me for nothing!" "I'm not doing it!" "If you barbarians won't be still and finish this lamb, none of you will get the chocolate cake." "ALL:" "Yes, Mom!" "(JOSH INHALES SHARPLY)" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "Oh, Jamie, if you could make money fucking, you'd be even richer than me." "(EXHALES)" "I'll call the Pfizer guy in the morning." "MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER:" "Let's welcome the class of 1997 trainees!" "(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)" "This is not a pill." "This is tens of millions of dollars in research." "This is thousands of hours of hard labor." "This, ladies and gentlemen, is software." "Your training will last six weeks." "Each of you will leave here a fully qualified health care professional." "That's 33% fewer phone calls for you at 4:00 a.m." "That's 33% less angry..." "Shit!" "Your job will be to go fight illness." "(MACARENA PLAYING)" "Hello..." "Fuck!" "Shit!" "Ah!" "Fuck!" "Ah!" "Shit!" "Ow!" "Off-label uses are benefits not yet recognized by the FDA." "But you can boost sales by hinting at what these uses are." "Hello, Doctor." "Do you know that prescribing Zithromax..." "Prescribing Zithromax... (SIGHS)" "(BABBLING)" "Bonjour, Doctor!" "(FRENCH ACCENT) Prescribing Zithromax..." "Zithromax." "Ah!" "Zoloft, a drug approved solely for the treatment of depression." "Off-label uses: alcoholism, bulimia, PMS, smoking, social anxiety." "Is there a question?" "Zoloft has been associated with suicidal ideation in teenagers." "Unproven." "Proven." "Unreported." "Your job will be to go share this technology." "Your job will be to go save lives." "The health care industry today is worth $2 trillion a year." "The top 10 pharma companies make more money than all 490 of the other Fortune 500 companies combined." " What family is Feldene a part of?" " Non-steroidal..." "Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory." "An NSAID." "A better world, that's why we're here." "Lipitor in Palm Beach!" "Xanax, New England!" "(CROWD WHOOPING)" "What about you, Jamie-bamie?" "Zoloft and Zithromax in the Ohio River Valley." "Welcome to Pfizer!" "(ALL APPLAUDING)" "What are you thinking about?" "Money." "(LAUGHING)" "BRUCE:" "Pay attention." "We are not going door-to-door selling oatmeal cookies for the Girl Scouts here." "You are not the goddamn Avon lady." "You understand what I'm saying?" "This is hardcore sales, and you have a quota." "And people at the home office keeping track of that quota." "And your cold calls, and your mileage, and your receipts." "How often you goddamn masturbate." "What is the quota for masturbation?" "You can masturbate as much as you like, smartass, as long as you make a lot of money." "Okay." "BRUCE:" "Voila!" "Okay, now, remember." "Hospitals have a no-reps policy." "Doesn't mean we can't give the docs a nice, dry walk from their cars." "All right?" "There he is." "All right." "No time like the present." " Get your head in the game." " All right." " Remember, Pfizer makes his life better." " Okay." "Pfizer makes his patients happier," " so he makes more money." " Okay." " Wait, the pens, the pens!" " Oh, the pens!" "Always lead with a pen." "Gifts establish reciprocity!" "(HORN BLARING)" "JAMIE:" "Doctor!" "Hey, Doctor, Jamie Randall." "Pfizer." "How are you doing?" " No, thank you." " Look..." "It's wet out here." "I don't want you compromising your immune system." "Let's talk about Zithromax for a second." "Which part of "No, thank you" do you not understand?" " You wanna take a pen?" " No, thank you." "Okay." "That's 33% fewer phone calls for you at 4:00 a.m." "Please stop, okay?" "That's why I wanna talk to you about Zithromax, okay?" "We are throwing antibiotics at people the minute they sneeze, and it doesn't work on viruses anyway." " What's your name?" " Goldstein." "Right." "Dr. Goldstein, okay, what we're doing..." "No, what you're doing is creating classes of drug-resistant superbugs." "And that might be good for business, because you will develop stronger antibiotics and ruin people's immune systems altogether." " No..." "You..." " Thank you." "(SIGHING)" "BRUCE:" "Models." "Beauty queens." "Equestrian princesses." "Shit." "You know what I heard?" "They're even starting to hire strippers." "I heard that." "Hey, Lisa!" " Her name's not Lisa." " I know." "I know." "But if every time I say, "Hey, Lisa,"" "then eventually she'll come up to me and she'll be like, you know," ""My name's not Lisa, it's Jennifer," or whatever, and I'll do a big apology and I'll say, "l thought you were the Lisa who was mad at me for not calling."" "And from then on, Jennifer, or whatever her name is, will think that I dated a girl who looked just like her, who I rejected." "She'll develop this unconscious need to win my approval, and from then on, it's cake." "Damn!" "Accepted etiquette is one rep at a time." "Screw etiquette." "Competing reps are not your friends." "Okay, Knight." " Where you going?" " Oh." "Sorry." "Knight is a doc you gotta close." "Leads the largest group in the city." "Lots of fucked-up college students on Prozac who should be on Zoloft." "You always bring donuts?" "Pharma sales is a lot like dating." "They want you to take them to dinner and pretend to expect nothing in return." " And no one ever got laid by going Dutch." " Exactly." "Gail, good morning!" "How are you this fine day?" "Sick people touch those." "When I order a second test, it's for a reason, God damn it." "Unbelievable!" "That's him." "Another time." "If they don't take us in five minutes, we leave." "Only losers wait." "There he is." "Hey there, beautiful." "How you doing?" "Get over here, Trey." "Two tickets to La Bohème on the 19th." "I hate you." "Can't you go with me instead of my husband?" "Trey Hannigan." "Lilly's Prozac rep, top 10 nationally." "The Devil." "He's on the phone with Watson." "You can go on back." "He's the reason we never make our quota on Zoloft." " Is he going in?" " What a dick!" "BRUCE:" "If we can show 5% gains monthly, we're going to the promised land." "The promised land?" "Chicago." "Civilization." "Culture." "And not incidentally, my wife and kids." "Only the great and near-great get Chicago, but I got a hunch that you and your swinging dick might be my ticket to the big leagues." "(EXHALES SHARPLY)" "Good morning." "Doctor only sees new reps who bring a lunch." "Here's a list of available dates." " The first one is in five weeks." " Great." "Here's a list of approved foods, no sushi, no salads." "No salads." "Leave your samples with me." " Hi." " Five weeks." "You're going to like me." "I beg your pardon?" "Sooner or later, everybody does." "You wanna know why?" "'Cause I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen." "I'm very trainable." " What's your name?" " Gail." "Five weeks." "Oh, Gail, that's not fair." "I'm laying myself bare here." "I'm revealing my true vulnerability." "And now you're stonewalling me." "Is that fair?" " That's not fair." " You stay out of this." "Look at you angels of mercy!" "How do the docs get any work done around here?" "Fine." "What do you want?" "I just want you to let me leave my samples where he'll see them." "'Cause otherwise, you're gonna throw them away after I leave." "Gail." "No sushi, no salads." "Who let you back here?" "Oh!" "Dr. Knight!" "Do you know that prescribing Zithromax for ear infections," " diarrhea and..." " Cindy!" "Can you deal with this, please?" "How about a pen?" "Do you want a pen?" "(GROANS)" "(SIGHING)" " Okay, Prince Charming, time's up." " Oh!" "Okay." "Wow!" "That is a long handle!" " Would you like a pen?" " Thanks." "Purple." " Bye." " Bye." "(WHISTLING CASUALLY)" "Uh," "I got something for you today." "Wait, I think..." "Yup." "There's another one for you, too!" "(CHUCKLING)" "The thing about these pens is that they have tiny little point tips on them, and then I end up pressing too hard, and..." "Hello, gorgeous." "(GASPS) Jamie!" "Jamie, they're beautiful!" "(WHISTLING CASUALLY)" "(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)" "Hey, Lisa!" "Okay, this may have worked for you in the past, but let me lay it out." "I became a rep for one reason, doctors." "To meet doctors, fraternize with doctors, breed with doctors." "So next time you see me in the field, don't ask for a handout." "(WHISPERS) It's just awkward." "I want Chicago, Randall." "And right now, you're not making it happen!" "You're 20% below your quota for Z, you're 45% below your quota for Zoloft!" "You want me off your ass, you punk?" "There's your answer." "He's got toddlers taking Prozac." "He's got dogs taking Prozac." "He'd have rocks taking Prozac if they paid cash." "And by the way, you want one doctor to start writing Zoloft?" "It's the guy standing next to him." "JAMIE:" "Knight?" "BRUCE:" "Knight." "Hannigan's butt buddy." "But I swear, he starts writing it, the rest of the docs will follow." "And Windy City, here we come." " Dr. Knight." " Hey, I'm very late." " One thousand dollars." " Excuse me?" " It's a check for $1,000." " For what?" "For a special Pfizer preceptorship." "For me to shadow you, learn your practice, and better serve the needs of doctors." "Are you bribing me?" "No, Doctor, no." "It's a special Pfizer preceptorship for me to shadow you." "(LAUGHS)" "Is this a joke?" "If you think $1,000 is a joke." "(EXHALES)" "That's 33% fewer phone calls at 4:00 a.m..." "I'd write a lot more of your scrip if I were a regularly paid consultant." "Well, you know, we can talk to them about that." "They spend $5 billion a year on marketing, right?" "Mmm-hmm." "Instead of flying me to Cancún and making me sit through some bullshit, nonsense, peer-to-peer conference, just give me half that money in cash." " Yeah, but Cancún..." " Dr. Knight," " Mrs. Putney's on the phone." "Excuse me." " Sorry." "Her daughter has to sing on Friday." "They're doing Bye Bye Birdie, and she's playing Kim, and she wondered if you could call in an antibiotic?" " Sure." "Why not?" " Okay, thanks." "Hey." "This can't be right." "Janice?" "Janice?" "A 26-year-old needs Parkinson's medication?" " Beth wrote that one up." " Hi." "All right, look, if a patient asks, you're an intern, okay?" "Yeah." "Can I take notes?" " Sure." "Why not?" " All right." "Hey." "I'm Dr. Knight." " Maggie Murdock." " Hi." " So your file says, "Kind of an emergency."" " Yeah." "My apartment was burgled yesterday, and they took my Parkinson's meds." "But my symptoms are pretty good today, so it's "kind of an emergency."" "I know your Lilly rep, Trey Hannigan?" "He asked Cindy to squeeze me in, so..." "Yeah, Trey's a great guy." "Oh." "Well, I wouldn't say that." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "So, monotherapy?" "Yep." "Sinemet CR, 50 milligrams, two times a day, plus Domperidone to cut the nausea, 10 milligrams, three times a day." "Artane for the tremor, two milligrams, a whole tablet, three times a day." "And Prozac, so that I'm not too bummed about having a major degenerative disorder at 26." "Forty milligrams, once, in the morning." "Zoloft has fewer side effects." "I'm sorry, who are you?" "Jamie Randall." "Oh." "Hi." "Intern." "So, early-onset Parkinson's." "That's pretty rare." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "First they thought it was essential tremor, then Wilson's disease, then Huntington's." "Then, they tested for MAS, PSP, syphilis." "I was very glad for a negative on that one." "I didn't really relish the thought of feeling like a 19th century slut." "Let's see." "Then, there was brain tumor week, which was very scary." "And then six months chasing obscure dystonias, but, no, it just turned out to be good, old-fashioned Parkinson's." "Right." "And..." "Don't you have a neurologist?" "We broke up." "(CHUCKLES)" "And do you have insurance?" "Do I have insurance." "Okay." "Well, sure." "Why not?" " Great." " Is there anything else I can do for you?" "Nope." "Oh!" "Um..." "Actually, yeah." "I have a weird blotch on my breast." "I don't know, I'm trying not to freak out about it." " Well, let's have a look." " Great." "Here you go." "Do you see that?" " That's a spider bite." " Is it?" "STAN:" "Yeah, that's a spider bite." " Great!" " (LAUGHS)" "STAN:" "All right." " There you are." " Thank you, Dr. Knight." "Sure." "You're welcome." " You're a drug rep?" " (GROANING) Wait..." "You let me take my shirt off, you fucking creep!" "Wait, wait, wait." "I'm hurt." " Your buckle just hit my eye." " No, it didn't." " I'm hurt." "I'm hurt." " Oh, my God." "Who said I was a drug rep?" "Excuse me, look at your bag!" "I don't think you're going to the fucking airport." "Okay, look, just apologize, okay?" "Just apologize." "Would you do that just once?" "I would actually like to hear someone from the medical community actually apologize!" "Okay." "Okay, I apologize." "I apologize on behalf of all the arrogant, faceless, cut-off, asshole doctors out there who've treated you like a non-person while peeking at your breasts." "(SCOFFS)" "So what's your name?" "You're good." "Strong eye contact." "Implied intimacy." "You'll make your quotas." "Let me take you out for a cup of coffee then." "Whoa!" "What was that for?" "Eat shit and die, that's what that was." "No, wait, wait!" "Hold on one second!" "I can do a better apology!" "(EXHALES)" "'Cause I want to know." "(WHISPERING) The same white tights I wear every single day." "You are out of your mind." "All right, nothing underneath?" "(SNICKERING)" " You're bad!" " So," "I need the number of a patient he saw yesterday." "A Murdock, or something like that." "You want Maggie Murdock's number?" "Yes." "Because she mentioned, like, six neurologists, and Pfizer's coming out with a new Parkinson's med, and I wanna contact them all, and I wanna make a lot of money," "Miss None Of Your Business." " We're not supposed to give out numbers." " What?" "You gave me your number, you bad girl." "Do your friends know how bad you really are?" "Jamie!" "Because if they knew how bad you really are... (DOORBELL BUZZING)" "Listen, I promise I'll wear the stethoscope next time we play naughty nurse." "(KEYBOARD CLACKING)" "546-2312." "Okay, I got to go." "Thanks, bye." "(DIAL TONE DRONING)" "What are you doing here?" "(SOBBING) I'm all fucked up!" " Farrah kicked me out." " No way." "Can you believe that?" "I think she's fucking somebody already, I swear to God!" " Why did she kick you out?" " I don't know, Jamie!" " Jesus!" " She said I was addicted to Internet porn." " Are you?" " Of course I am!" "Fuck!" "Isn't everybody?" "Oh, God." "Oh, God." "Oh, my God." "(GASPING) I can't breathe." "I'm having a panic attack." " Do you have any Ativan?" " We're Xanax." "Fine, Xanax!" "You have any samples of Xanax?" "Jamie, I'm in a really vulnerable place right now." "(STIFLED SOBBING)" "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "Hey, hey, hey." "Come here, come here, come here." "It's okay." "Dude!" "Dude!" "We're not huggers." "Faster." "Come on!" "We got this!" " Josh, will you turn that down?" " Oh." "No." "Josh!" "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)" " Hello?" " Why did you take that picture?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Is that the girl with the tits?" "How'd you get my number?" "What, you called Knight's office?" "(MOUTHING WORDS)" " How'd you get my number?" " From the receptionist." "Who you're fucking." "(WHISPERING) What'd she say?" "JAMIE:" "Have coffee with me." " Why?" " Because I'm a drug rep." "I'm not a creep." "(LAUGHS)" "Same thing." "Look, I'm sorry that I stared at your tits, but they're really nice." " (SNICKERING) - (MOUTHING WORDS)" "Hello?" "Yes." "Yes." "Oh, I thought you hung up for a second." "Should I have?" "What, and miss the opportunity of insulting me?" "Oh, you like being insulted?" "(CLATTERING)" "Hold on a second." "Ow!" "Um..." "By the right person." "Oh, my God." "This is a sales call, isn't it?" "You're gonna stay on the phone with me until I say yes, aren't you?" "Well, I take my work very seriously." "5:00, Lulu's on Clark." "All right." "Bye." "Ow!" "Why is your answer to everything violence?" "I said 5:00." "(STANDING IN THE DOORWAY PLAYING IN THE CAFE)" " Very cute." " Oh!" "Please, you can have him." "Khaki pants?" "No, thanks." "So..." "What's your name?" "Jamie Randall." "Jamie, right." "Okay, sorry." "What's your game?" "My game?" "I'm sorry, right, this is the part where we talk about where we come from and what we majored in, in college." "You have beautiful eyes." "That's it?" "That's the best you got?" "I'm serious." "They're beautiful." "Well, thank you." "Let's see, what else?" "My childhood?" "When did I get sick?" "So, are you always this mean?" "Actually, this is me being nice." "So, how's your quota this month?" "Have you had your first performance review?" "Is that a resting tremor?" "Comes and goes?" "It's none of your business." "Happens when you're nervous." "Mr. Expert, why would I be nervous?" " 'Cause you're interested." " And that would make me nervous?" "Yeah, your mind's telling you one thing, your body's telling you something else." "You left me standing" "Let's go." "Excuse me?" "You wanna close, right?" "You wanna get laid?" "(CHUCKLES) Now?" "Mmm." "Oh, right, right, right." "I'm supposed to act like I don't know if it's right, so then you tell me that there is no right or wrong, there's just the moment." "And then I tell you that I can't, while actually signaling to you that I can, which you don't need, because you're not really listening, because this isn't about connection for you, this isn't even about sex for you." "This is about finding an hour or two of relief from the pain of being you." "And that's fine with me, see, because all I want is the exact same thing." "You left me standing in the doorway crying" "Does that mean I don't have to leave a tip?" "(BOTH PANTING)" "(MOANING)" "(CLOTHES RIPPING)" "(JAMIE PANTING)" "And now you're thinking, "Will I stay five minutes or ten?"" "And, "Where did I throw my pager?"" "Mmm." "I'm not thinking that." "It's under the table." "(CHUCKLING)" "You're probably thinking, "What's this guy's name again?" (LAUGHS)" "(GRUNTING) Bye, Johnny." "I think it's time for you to go." "Whoa, whoa, I don't need to go." "Well, I need you to go." "(BOTH GROAN)" "JAMIE:" "Oh, okay." "It was nice meeting you." "It was nice meeting you, too." "Maybe we'll..." "We'll see each other around." "I'll just leave the key there." "Thanks." "'Cause he gets up in the morning" "And he goes to work at 9:00" "(PAGER BEEPING)" "And he comes back home at 5:30" "Gets the same train every time" "'Cause his world is built 'round punctuality" "It never fails" "And he's oh, so good" "And he's oh, so fine" "And he's oh, so healthy" "In his body and his mind" "He's a well respected man about town" "Doing the best things so conservatively" "And his mother goes to meetings" "(PAGER BEEPING)" "And she stirs the tea with councilors" "While discussing foreign trade" "(DOORBELL BUZZING)" "What?" "Wait!" "Wait." "(DOORBELL CONTINUES BUZZING)" "Oh, my God." "What are you doing here?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I know it's so late." "Oh, my God!" " Oh, my God!" " Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "I didn't see anything!" "My glasses are off!" "Josh, turn around!" "(SNICKERING)" "(JOSH LAUGHING)" "Hi." "Josh." "Pleasure to meet you." "I can recite the six causes of pernicious anemia and the four stages of terminal cirrhosis." "And by fourth grade, I knew what a distended ileum felt like on palpation." "So why did you bail on med school?" "I didn't bail." "I just couldn't finish college." "I couldn't sit through a class." "Oh." "Ritalin at 10." "Eight." "Show-off." "But you were really smart?" "Yeah." "The prodigal son, with ADD." "You want to know the truth?" "Hmm?" "I just couldn't give my father the satisfaction." "Does this generally work for you?" "What?" "This." "The whole misunderstood-by-Dad- I'm-a-vulnerable-guy thing." "Usually." "Yeah." "Well, it's pretty good." "Thanks." "But somewhere along the line, say, sixth grade, a girl smiled at you, or a bunch of girls smiled at you, and, ta-da, Jamie's good at something after all." "Actually, it was the fifth grade." "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" "I'm going." " Why?" " See... (MAGGIE SIGHING)" "The thing is, I really like having sex, and I actually really like having sex with you," "so let's just keep it simple." "I can do that." "Yeah, you do seem like a shithead, so it should be all right." "There's just alarms going off in my head that you're not entirely what you seem." "Oh, no, no." "I'm a shithead, believe me." "Good." "Because if you turn out not to be a shithead, that would be bad." "I'm a shithead, believe me." "Through and through." "(MAGGIE MOANING LOUDLY)" "(JAMIE GRUNTING)" "(MAGGIE MOANING LOUDER)" "(WHISTLING CASUALLY)" "Hey!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Hey, man." "How are you?" "(GROANS)" "It's okay." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Damaged cells are releasing arachidonic acid." "Your body's converting it to prostaglandin, which is triggering a fiesta of enzymes necessary for pain." "(RETCHING)" "Do you wanna throw up?" "It's not gonna help." "It's gonna take about a minute for the acid to dissipate and your natural morphine to kick in." " You know why I hit you?" " (GRUNTING) No!" "No!" "Prozac has helped millions of people overcome intractable mood disorders, making miserable lives livable." "It's even helped me with some of my own anger issues." "So when someone fucks with my Prozac, it upsets me." "You know what people say about me?" "(GROANING) You're in the top ten nationally?" "Why do you suppose that is?" "Fuck you!" "Why do you suppose that is?" "Because I'm ex-Marine, and I'll destroy anyone who gets in my way." "Right." "Shit." "Ow!" "Fuck." "I'd ice that as soon as you can." "If it hurts in a few days, get an X-ray." "And stay away from Maggie." "(GROANS)" " MAN:" "Excuse me." " (SCREAMS)" "Are those more samples?" "Yeah." "Help yourself." "Thanks." "I got a job interview today." "Oh, that's great." "That's great." "That's great." "Hello, ladies!" "No samples today." "What do you mean?" "I got great stuff for you!" "No samples today, thank you." "She's just a friend." "No samples today." "Sorry." "Okay." "What's going on?" "Trey got to you, didn't he?" "What'd he give you?" "No samples today, thank you." "Hawaii." "Hawaii?" "No samples today." "Doctor's convention." "Sand and surf in Honolulu." "Wow." "Okay." "Okay." "I got to get out of here." "You're not going to go see her, are you?" "No." "Mmm-hmm." "(KNOCKING ON DOOR)" "Maggie!" "Hi." "Hey, what's that?" "Food." " For?" " Eating." "JAMIE:" "They're my noodles!" "(MUFFLED) You already have a face full of noodles!" "Jesus!" "My God, you are so selfish." "You're just like my mother." "Did you sleep with your mother?" "Ew!" " What?" " You know what?" "She's cute, she's available, you'd love her." "The only thing is, she happens to take up all the oxygen in the room and hog all the closet space, but other than that, you two are perfect for each other." "JAMIE:" "Is she hotter than you?" "I bet she's hotter than you." "She doesn't have a disease, either." "JAMIE:" "Does that work for you generally?" " What?" " Self-pity." "You are a shithead." "What?" "Nothing." "This is nice." "Okay, I think it's time to take off your clothes and jump me." "Wait." "Am I not allowed to say that?" "I don't know." "First you bring food, and then you wanna spend the night, and then you bring a change of clothes, and then you bring a razor and, oh, my God, it's a relationship." "I don't want a relationship." "Well, you can't guarantee that now, can you?" "You might actually have some kind of latent humanity that you don't know anything about." "You might like being in a relationship, and..." "Listen, I said this was nice." "I didn't ask you to marry me." "Well, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was sick, either." "I'm sorry." " Sorry." " No." "I just..." "I did that before, and it didn't..." "It wasn't good." "I'd just been diagnosed, and he was married." "He helped me, and it didn't end well." "So..." "It's Trey Hannigan, isn't it?" " Trey Hannigan?" "It was Trey Hannigan." " Yeah, well..." "Uh..." "Are you in love with him?" "No, I'm not in love with Trey Hannigan." "I was never in love with Trey Hannigan." "He was..." "Said he was in love with me." "Which was, you know, a problem." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" " Can we just..." " Right, yeah." " Yeah?" "Okay." " Yeah." " Please." " Okay." "You get a special thank you for bringing food." "I do?" "Yes, you do." "Mmm." " You know what?" " What?" "What?" "I got to pee." " I'll be right back." " All right." "(TOILET FLUSHING)" "(EXHALING)" "Just give me a second, okay?" "Okay." "Mmm." "(WHISPERING) Focus, focus, focus." "Should I keep going?" " This never happens." " I'm aware." "I'm serious." "It doesn't." "No, no, no." "Don't worry about it." "It's me." "I'm a jinx." "That's really helpful." "You know what?" "Why don't you talk about all the other guys that you slept with that couldn't get it up, 'cause then it would really like..." "Shh!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Just calm down." "Just give me a minute." "Don't worry about it." "I am worried about it!" "(SNICKERING)" "Jesus!" "Can you just please..." "Just show me a little kindness?" "Please." "Oh, you lying sack of shit!" "You do have latent humanity." " Do you know what's going on here?" " (SIGHING) I just want to have sex." "Well, your body's telling you otherwise." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Sit up." " I don't want to sit up." " Come on." "Sit up." "Sit up." "Sit up." "Come on." "All right." "Now talk to me." "I don't want to talk." "What else are we going to do?" "You've taken sex off the table." "Oh!" "Come on." "Come on." "Tell me how your day was." " My day?" " Mmm-hmm." "JAMIE:" "So I sneak up to my room and I white out the "D" so it looks like a "B,"" "which I did flawlessly." "It was undetectable." "And I go down to his study and I hand him the paper." "And he gives me the face." "And I'm like, "What?"" "Mmm-hmm." "And then, from behind his back, he pulls out the goddamn carbon copy" " that the school sent home." " Oh, no!" " Yeah." " Wow." "Genius." "Genius." " You're so competitive." " No!" "Yeah!" "Yes, you are." "Oh, my God, I tell you" "I'm involved with Trey Hannigan and you can't get it up." "I could give a shit about Trey Hannigan." "All you care about is beating him!" " Bullshit!" " You know, it's so prehistoric." "All men care about is performance, but they have an appendage that doesn't work if they're worried about performance." "Mmm." "Well, you're an expert, so..." "Okay." "If I'm an expert, then why is your company spending billions making a drug so that guys can get it up?" "Oh, I wish." "It's true." "I read it." "Pfizer's making a fuck drug." "Where'd you read that?" "I don't know." "Ask your guys." "I don't know where I read it." "I'm a drug slut." "I read everything." " What drug?" " I don't know, but it's hard to believe, isn't it?" "It's hard to believe." " It's gonna be pretty huge, though." " Oh!" "When I think of the size of the problem and that it's growing larger, really..." " Really." " I can't even imagine!" "You know what I think..." "To have found a solution to the stiffest, hardest..." "Wow." " Pfizer must be swelling with pride." " I'm gonna stop you." "No tickling!" "Stop!" "Stop!" "No tickling!" "No, please!" "(SHRIEKS)" "Don't tickle me just because you have a limp sense of humor!" "Oh!" "Hello." "Keep talking." "No more talking." "Who are all these old people?" "Uh..." "Just some people I work with." "Wow." "These are beautiful." "It looks like a photograph." "When did you do this?" "Uh..." "Back when I could hold a brush." "(CHUCKLES)" "Here's your breakfast." " Thanks." " Yeah, well..." "I'll call you." " Don't." " I will." "I'm not kidding." "I can't do this." "I told you." "Okay, then." "See you." "BRUCE:" "Your problem is you don't know how to close!" "You gotta tell the docs what they need." "Somebody says no, that's when the fun starts." "That means you are in." " My numbers are up." " Your Zithromax is up." "Big deal." "We're not going to Chicago on Zithromax." "Depressed people, Randall, they're depressed every day." "You gotta move Zoloft." " I want you to focus on Zoloft." " Zoloft." "Counseling?" "Here's some counseling." "Stop being a fucking bitch." "Wait, did I use "you" language?" "Trial separation." "I'm so sorry." "I need to own my feelings." "Fucking pepperoni." "Let me rephrase that." "I feel that you should stop being a fucking bitch!" "So, I hear we're coming out with a new sex drug." " What are you talking about?" " Is it true?" " Where did you hear that?" " Heard it around." "Sildenafil citrate." "It's a PDE-5 inhibitor." "They lucked into it during trials for blood pressure medication." "Guys had massive boners the whole time." "Where did you hear that?" " (CHUCKLING) What's it called?" " Viagra." " I want it." " Everybody wants it." "I could sell the shit out of it." "Can you see if there's some Tums in there for me in the glove compartment?" " Bruce." " Tums me, buddy." "Bruce." "Bruce." "I want that account." "Why would I give it to you?" "Who can sell a dick drug better than me?" "Ten years, Jamie, ten excruciating years of marriage." "It's like the lost decade." "Oh, my God!" "I don't even know how to hit on women anymore." "What do you do?" "What's your game?" "You need an IBS." "Do you know what that is?" "Irritable Bowel Syndrome?" "An Initial Benefit Statement." "Tell them who you are, why you're there and what you can do for them." "All right?" "And just be yourself, Josh." " You'll be fine." " Thank you very much." "Oh!" "Look who just walked in." "Now's your chance, "Closer."" "Show me what you got." "(WHISPERS) Show me." "Hey!" "Pfizer, how's your fist?" "How's your jaw?" "Randall, you know Stan Knight, right?" "Stan, this is a bright young man from Pfizer." "Yes, we've met." " Yeah." "How you doing?" " Fantastic." "New study on Zoloft, 25% fewer side effects than Prozac." "So, I'm feeling good." "You'd do better selling him if you got him laid." "Can you get me laid?" "Stan's one of the more respected diagnosticians in town, but his real calling is pussy-hound." "Yes, and I think your real calling is pimp." "Now, you're banging Maggie Murdock, aren't you?" "You are." "You are." "Oh, God, those tits are unbelievable!" " So not fair!" " All right." "No, no." "You don't see that a lot in the neurologically damned." "What do you mean, "damned"?" "You don't die from Parkinson's." "Well, it's not much of a life, now is it?" "What do you mean?" "Interferon, L-dopa..." "It slowed the progress in the majority of cases." "Listen, Dr. Drug Rep." "You know less than shit, okay?" "She's a sick girl." "Oh." "Is that what you told your wife?" "That's none of your fucking business." "Maggie has all sorts of needs, and I don't think a pussy like you is up for the job." "Right, and a married man is?" " Whoa, whoa!" " You really want me to hit you again?" "Chill out, man!" "Chill." "Wait!" "Don't get aggressive." "Don't get aggressive." "Hey!" "Whoa!" "Baby, okay." "It's okay." "Inter-fucking-feron, really?" " You know what?" " Hey." "Easy, easy." " I'm going home." " No, you're not." " No, no, no." "I'm going home." " Good." "Say hi to your wife." "I'm keeping my eyes on you, buddy." "That freaked me out. (EXHALING)" "(LAUGHS)" "He actually, physically hit you, didn't he?" "Yeah, he did, and I was afraid he was going to do it again." "He might have to up his meds, that young man." "Or maybe he needs to change to a drug that's proven more effective in controlling aggressive behavior." "Zoloft produced 13% fewer outbursts in a controlled study of adult males." "And I think it's..." "Turn to your left." "(SOFTLY) Turn to your left right now." "Turn to your left." "Those two women, I know both of them." "Which one do you want to take home?" "You're a superstar." "Confidence is king." "Hey." "What do you say we blow this joint, and then each other?" "Okay." "Thank you." "We ready?" " You okay, champ?" " No." "What are you doing?" "Are you calling her?" "Hey, did she go down on you?" "Farrah looks at my dick like it's the Eye of Sauron." "(TELEPHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Did you call me?" "No." "I did not call you." "I think you did." "And what would I have said if I had called you?" "That you want to see me?" "Well, that would be nice, except I didn't call you." "Do you want to see me?" "I'm hanging up now." "No." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Don't hang up." "Don't hang up." "Why?" "I like hearing the sound of your voice." "Bye, Randall." "Maggie!" "You like hearing the sound of her voice?" "Shut up." "Do you have a brain tumor?" "Were you molested by a Care Bear?" "Were you abducted by aliens?" "You hate women." "Why else would you screw so many of them?" "It's time for you to overdose." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh, she rejected you!" "That's why you want her." "It's the first time in history that's ever happened." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "I was wondering something." "Aren't you rich?" "Why are you sleeping on my couch?" "You're my big brother." "(SIGHING)" "Here." "For people who never entered puberty." "Take six." "All right." " MAGGIE:" "You all right?" " Can I pay by check?" "Sam, remember I told you that the pharmacies only take cash?" "Maggie!" "Mag!" "Um..." "But, listen, why don't you just get on the bus, we'll work it out there." "Okay?" "All right." "Good." "Maggie, I want to talk to you." "I can't talk right now, all right?" " I'm getting on a bus to Canada." " Canada?" "Yes." "Yes, Canada." "These people can't afford to pay for their prescriptions here." "Maggie, will we have bathroom breaks?" "Sophie, remember I told you that there's a bathroom on the bus?" " Okay." " Okay." "Let's go." " Okay." "When do you get back?" " Never." " Tomorrow night, late." " How late?" "Just forget about it, okay?" "Please?" "I'm begging you." "(PRAISE YOU PLAYING)" "(CHATTERING)" "JAMIE:" "Why don't you take a pen?" "I'll send you a pamphlet and an efficacy statement, okay?" "What time is it, do you know?" "Wow." "Okay, I got to go." "I'll give you a call, okay?" "We've come a long, long way together" "Through the hard times and the good" "I have to celebrate you, baby" "I have to praise you like I should" "MAN ON STEREO:... know." "Know how to handle large sums of money with harmony and with love, and that the truth is that you have high ideals, and that you are a person of great personal integrity, and you will keep your mind focused upon financial prosperity." "(BUS ENGINE HISSING)" "(EXHALES)" "MAGGIE:" "Looks like you got all your stuff, right?" "Okay." "Good." " You guys travel home safe." " Thank you, sweetheart." " Bye-bye." " Bye." " Bye, Maggie!" " Bye." "(EXHALES)" "Hi." "When you end it, I get to hate you, and act all cold, and tell embarrassing stuff to my friends." "Okay." "And you don't get to move in, or become friends with my friends, or introduce me to your parents." "This is what this is, whatever this is." "Are you done?" "Have you been here all night?" "Yes." "Oh, Christ!" "(EXHALES TIREDLY)" "Why am I mad at you already?" "(MOANING)" "(GASPING)" "(GRUNTS)" "(PANTING)" "Oh, Jamie." "It's Brucie." "You want to meet me?" "I've got a load of love in my trunk for you." "Something you're going to like." "Jamie, Jamie, Jamie." "Jamie, Jamie, Jamie." "Call me, call me, call me." "You're gonna love me, love me... (PHONE BEEPS)" "Ah!" "Jamie, it's Bruce." "Where are you?" "Who are you?" "Let the games begin!" "(BOTH GRUNT)" "(HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH PLAYING)" "Make it hot!" "Make it hot!" "Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?" "Ooh, heaven is a place on earth" "Men with diabetes, men with prostate cancer, men with massive penile injuries." "Men with performance anxiety, men with any common form of impotence or sexual dysfunction." "Men without a useful erection in years!" " Boing!" " (ALL LAUGHING)" "Minimum side effects, long-term safety." "This isn't a pill." "This is a revolution." "Questions?" "Yeah." "Where are the samples?" " Right here, baby." "Right here." " (PEOPLE CLAMORING)" "You sure you want one?" "You want two?" "Who wants two?" "Did you see this?" "Bob Dole says his TV commercials for Viagra won't hurt his wife's campaign for President." "He also says the Viagra commercials won't hurt his campaign to nail Heather Locklear." " The dick drug!" "That's my brother's!" " (CROWD CHEERING)" " (EXCLAIMS) - (MUFFLED) Oh, my God!" "(MUFFLED) Oh, my God!" "Viagra, the little pill that has started a gold rush for its manufacturer, the drug giant Pfizer." "Jamie!" "Jamie!" "Hey!" " Ted Goldstein, ENT." " Oh, Ted, hi." "How are you?" "I'm good." "Look, I got this friend, he's a radiologist." "He has a little problem." "I thought maybe..." "Say no more." "You're a gem." "Viagra is the first-ever pill to treat impotence." "It's easy, it's effective, and it's now wildly in demand." "(ALL CLAMORING)" "Ooh, heaven is a place on earth" "Oncologists are writing it, shrinks are writing it, gastroenterologists are writing it." "Pediatricians are writing it for themselves!" "I mean, pharmacies could stay open 24 hours and they still couldn't meet the demand." "We're running 1,200 prescriptions a month." "That's more than my entire year's quota!" "And you don't care." "About a bunch of old guys with stiffies?" "Nope." "How can you be so callous?" "Men are suffering worldwide from shame and... (BELT UNBUCKLING)" "(PANT UNZIPPING)" "And frustration." "Oh, you're my little blue pill." "JOSH:" "Oh, for God's sake." "No." "What about this do you think is okay?" "What are you..." "I don't want to see this!" "No." "What the fuck are you doing?" " No, no, no!" "This is too much information." " I just need this." "Are you fucking filming it?" "Do you do, like, close-ups and shit?" "Who holds it?" "(WHISPERING) Hey." "Wake up." "Oh!" "(CHUCKLES SLEEPILY)" "Again?" "Maggie!" "(CHUCKLING)" "Come on." "I'm an artist." "This is work." "Oh, my God." "Say something." "You're just too weird." "Yeah, well..." "Hi, there." "Jamie Randall here." "Just reporting from bed, having just fucked my girlfriend." " And..." " Don't use that word." "What?" "You use "fuck" all the time." "No, not "fucking." "Girlfriend."" "That's what you are." "I am?" "Yeah, you are." "I guess I am." "Jesus." "(WAY OVER YONDER IN THE MINOR KEY PLAYING)" "I lived in a place called Okfuskee" "And I had a little girl in a holler tree" "I said, "Little girl it's plain to see" ""Ain't nobody that can sing like me" "She said it's hard for me to see" "How one little boy got so ugly" "Yes, my little girly that might be" "But there ain't nobody that can sing like me" "Ain't nobody that can sing like me" "Way over yonder in the minor key" "Way over yonder in the minor key" "JAMIE:" "No, Mom." "No, it's not an aphrodisiac." "It's a vasodilator." "A vasodilator." "No, Ma..." "No, just..." "No, I..." "Yeah, I've already sold 2,000 prescriptions this month alone." "It's a lot of money." "(CHUCKLES)" "(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, I really can't talk." "Maggie needs me." "Okay, bye." "I thought you said it was 1,200 prescriptions." "It is." "Well, why did you tell her 2,000?" "Did I?" "Are you kidding?" "I don't know, it just sounded better." "You told your mother a lie because it sounds better?" "Look, she doesn't know numbers." "Do you tell me lies because they sound better?" "(GROANS) No!" "Well, why did you do it with her?" "Because she wants to know that I'm doing well..." "Okay, but you are doing well, so why do you need to make it sound better?" "Okay, you know what?" "I will call her back up right now, and I will correct my mistake." "Okay?" "(DIALING NUMBER ON PHONE)" "Tell me four good things about yourself." "Excuse me?" "You heard me." "Okay." "Four good things about myself." "I can..." "Why are we doing this?" "This is just..." "I don't..." "You can't even think of four good things about yourself." "What?" "I totally can!" "Do you think that you're generous?" "Do you think you're sweet?" "Not particularly." "Do you think that you're smart?" "(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God!" "Look at you." "You're this talented," "charming, handsome, capable, determined, smart man." "I am?" "Yes, you are." "I can juggle." "(WOMEN LAUGHING)" " Does it make it longer?" " Time or inches?" "WOMAN 1:" "How come we can't take it?" "JAMIE:" "You can." "WOMAN 2:" "Are you saying that we can get hard?" "There is some indication of increased lubrication." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" " lf they come inside you, does it burn?" " No." "How about in your mouth?" "WOMAN 3:" "Jamie, we want more Viagra!" " More!" "More Viagra!" " More Viagra!" "Stan!" "Come here." "Come over here!" "Ladies, this is Dr. Stan Knight, king of all internists." "Right?" "And this is..." "Cassie." "But my friends call me Lisa." "Lisa wants to marry a doctor, so good luck." "Oh, dear." "Ladies, next round is on me!" "Okay?" "(WOMEN WHOOPING)" "Nice jacket, man." "Did you get laid?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" " Six times." " Mmm." "I was scared that you were." "You're crazy." "(SHUDDERING)" "What?" "Is everything okay?" "Jamie..." "Honey?" " Honey, your heart's beating really fast." " I know." "What's..." "Jamie." "Jamie." "Jamie." "Jamie." "(PANTING HARD)" "Jamie." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Talk to me." "I..." "I..." "Okay, you know what?" "Just breathe." "Don't even worry about it." "Just breathe." "It's okay." "(GROANS)" "I..." " I love you." " What?" "(GROANING)" "Just give me a second, okay?" "Oh, God, I do." "Uh..." " No, you don't." " Don't touch me!" "(NERVOUSLY) Okay." "Do you want a glass of water?" "I'm sorry." " I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " No, it's fine." "It's fine." " A little water?" " Yeah, water." "Oh, yeah." "Okay, see?" "Here you go." "Here you go." "Okay." "(EXHALING)" " I love you." "I can't stop saying it." " You don't..." " Just stop saying that, okay?" " I can't." "I love you." "You don't understand." "I've never said that to anyone before." " You've never said "l love you"?" " No." "You never said it to your parents?" "No." " You never said it to your brother?" " Ugh!" "Jesus, you're more fucked up than I am." "I once said it to a cat." " Okay, that makes me feel better." " It does?" "Okay, good." "You can hold me now." "Okay." "(EXHALES)" "Oh!" "(MAGGIE MOANING ON TV)" "Joshie!" "That is disgusting." "Jamie, I didn't know you were coming home!" "Oh!" " (JOSH WHISTLES) - (NERVOUSLY) Hey." "Listen, it's not what it looks like, okay?" "Well, it kind of is, but..." "Okay, just chill." "Yeah, chill." "Oh, I'm sorry," "I thought I just caught my brother masturbating while watching me have sex." "Well, I was focusing on her." "Oh, "her."" " You mean my girlfriend!" "I'm sorry." " No." "Not on her!" "On her body parts!" "Does video make everything look bigger?" "Because I didn't think her tits were that big." "Then I saw you, and I was like, "What, did an anaconda get loose on the bed?"" "This is so twisted." "Do you think Dad's big?" "I mean, he was when we were kids, but then everything's bigger when you're a kid, right?" "Fine!" "Okay?" "Sorry!" "My self-esteem would prefer that you not have a bigger penis than me right now, that's all!" "Shh!" "Shh!" "Don't be mad." "(MAGGIE MOANING)" "Run, Josh." "Run, Josh." "Run, Joshie." "JOSH:" "We can talk about this like men!" "Ow!" "You're gonna ruin the tape!" "JOSH:" "No normal human being can possibly fit in this back seat." "That definition excludes you, Josh." "I'd literally be more comfortable in the back of a Hot Wheels right now." "I've lost all feeling in my legs." " Are you okay?" " No!" "I'm not talking to you, Josh." " Are you okay?" " I'm fine." "Okay." "(MAGGIE GRUNTING)" "(GASPS)" "(EXHALES)" "(COUGHING)" "(GRUNTING)" "(BOTTLE FALLS)" "He's waiting for you." " So, how are you doing?" " Fine." "How's Maggie?" "(EXHALES)" "STAN:" "Come in!" " Whoa!" " No, come in, come in." "Testosterone, man." "Chicago's in two days." "I must prepare." "It's a fucking orgy masquerading as a medical convention." " You're coming, aren't you?" " I don't know." " Oh, right." "How's she doing?" " She's great." "Well, I'm not." "I need a break." "HMOs are killing me." "Killing me!" "I need a lot of loosely moraled women to throw themselves at me." "Hard." "Speaking of which..." "Oh, you are a god!" "You're a god, sir!" "You're really not coming to this?" "You could do something for me." "Yeah, what's that?" "You could start prescribing Zoloft instead of Prozac." "Um..." "Well, Trey's a friend of mine, man." "I know." "I know." " (SIGHING) Sure." "Zoloft." "Okay." "Why not?" " Great." " Hey!" " Hey." "(STUTTERING) How was your day?" "Amazing." "Mmm?" "You?" "Me?" "My day was..." "My day was swell." " I went to the clinic..." " You did?" "...for a scrip and waited for three hours sitting next to a man with a fork stuck in his head." " What?" " Yep." "(CHUCKLES) And then I went to the pharmacy to get the scrip filled." "Which was closed, so no meds for Maggie." "Are you okay?" "Why, do I look like shit?" " I didn't say that." " Yeah." "You didn't say." "You didn't say it out loud." "Thanks, I'd love one." "Sorry." "You think maybe you've had enough?" "Nope, I don't, but you do." "Excuse me?" "Tell me, Randall, what exactly is it about me that's so desirable?" "There's going to be 600 girls dying to blow you at this convention." " Well, I'm not going to the convention." " Why not?" "Go out with some sexy, limber ex-cheerleader from Alabama, who's just dying to discuss market projections and sales techniques." "Or just a hot HMO administrator who likes to bake cookies and rub your head while you discuss the evils of generics." "Or just, you know, I don't know, a normal person, who has energy and likes to do things and have fun!" "I happen to want you." "Why?" "Why?" "What are you trying to prove?" "Are you trying to show that you're not a flake?" "Are you trying to stick with something for once in your goddamn life?" "I mean, you do realize that you are not a good person because you pity-fuck the sick girl, right?" "I almost went home with someone from the clinic today." "All right." " There, you see?" " All right." "Don't forget your pager." "(CRYING LOUDLY)" "(SIGHING)" "Come with me to Chicago." "(PEOPLE CHATTERING)" " Keith!" "How you doing, man?" " Jamie." "Good." "So good to see you." "Everything going well?" "I'm going to go off and do some girly thing, whatever that is." " How will I reach you?" " I'll beep you." "Stage One?" "I'm sorry?" "My son's a Stage Three." "It's not obvious, don't worry." "We're across the street." "Whenever you get tired of this bullshit and want to hear what's really going on..." "Thank you." "WOMAN:" "Fuck soup." "Fuck shoelaces." "Fuck jewelry." "And fuck brushing teeth." "(CROWD LAUGHING)" " Fuck..." " Trying to tie your tie." "Fuck..." "Trying to button down a shirt." "And fuck that meditation shit." "(CROWD LAUGHING)" "And who knew God wanted us to be so good at giving hand jobs?" "My husband is always smiling." "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "Parkinson's has made me more sensitive and more compassionate." "Hopefully, got a long way to go in all this." "I feel good, and..." "So, it's a constant battle of trying to maintain some dignity and grace in society." "And to overcome that, you just live with what you have." "(PAGER BEEPING)" "Offering to hold the kid for just a minute, and he ends up in that tree over there." "One of my girlfriends asked me once if she could get me anything." "I said, "How about a new brain?" "Nothing fancy."" "She said, "My husband's not using his."" "Wait." "Wait." "Never mind." "Sorry." "I thought I heard a cure coming." "But there are good things." "You have to understand that you're still yourself." "You're still there." "And life goes on." "And life is beautiful." "Thank you." "Parkinson's, right?" "Oh, no." "No." "No, your wife." "Girlfriend." "Stage One." "Good days and bad days, huh?" "Mostly good days." "You?" "Wife." "Since '73." "Stage Four." "You got any advice?" " You don't need my advice." " Come on." "I'm very trainable." "My advice is to go upstairs, pack your bags, and leave a nice note." "Find yourself a healthy woman." "I love my wife." "I do." "But I wouldn't do it over again." "The thing nobody tells you, this disease will steal everything you love in her." "Her body, her smile, her mind." "Sooner or later, she'll lose motor control." "Eventually, she won't even be able to dress herself." "Then, the fun really begins." "Cleaning up her shit." "Frozen face." "Dementia." "It's not a disease, it's a Russian novel." "Look, I'm sorry." "I'm out of line." "Hang in there." "Did you realize there are other people with Parkinson's?" "How remarkable!" "Amazing people." "People doing things." "Like this one woman runs marathons, and another one scuba dives." "And they're pissed off and they're tired of being marginalized." "Oh, my God, they are so cool!" "(GASPS)" "I feel good." "I feel really good." "I feel better than I have felt in a long time, and you brought me here." "I mean, okay, whatever, it was the wrong convention, sure, but..." "Jamie, I..." "Jamie." " I have been such a bitch to you." " Oh, no." "And you didn't even run away." "How is that possible?" "It's like, this is..." "Like, the first time in my life that I've ever not felt alone." "That someone is there for me." "Do you know what that means?" "Oh, my God." "I love you." "I do." "I love you." "I love you, I love you." "I really love you." "(MAGGIE GRUNTING)" " Hey." " Hey." "What are you doing?" "Nothing." "I fell asleep." "A cure for Parkinson's?" "That's what I'm asking." "Pfizer, I'm a GP." "Twenty universities, 15 teaching hospitals, every major drug company, and the goddamn NIH are all working on this." "And I'm sure the second they find it, you're gonna be the first in line to sell it to me." "Well, in the meantime, she gets worse." "What is this, General Hospital?" "What do you want me to do?" "I want you to feel bad about it, Stan." "If I felt bad about every patient that I couldn't help, then I don't make it through the day." "What are the cutting edge treatments?" "I don't know." "You want me to get you a list?" "Great." "Tomorrow." "Pfizer, you're a nice kid." "You're starting to do well." "You sure you want to do this?" "And a list of doctors, and someone who I can contact at NIH." "Thank you, Stan." "Sure." "(EXHALES)" "(SHOW BIZ BLUES PLAYING)" "See this green area here?" "(PAGER BEEPING)" "I'm sorry." "(SIGHS)" "Tell me, anybody" "You okay?" "JAMIE:" "Take the Z-Pak." "Okay?" "Jesus!" "Do you really give a damn for me?" "I'm sorry, Mr. Randall." "That credit card is declined." "About a thing that's bothering me" "The benefits of chelation, every toxic metal is removed." "I was a rambling pony" "We've achieved complete remission in patients with advanced metastatic cancer," "MS..." "Fuck!" "...Parkinson's, lupus." "This therapy changes people's lives." "He forgot "world peace."" "Are you saying to me that we flew 2,000 miles, on our own nickel, so you can tell me that our appointment's been postponed?" "For two weeks?" "I'd like to talk to Dr. Rosenblum, okay?" "Do I look like I care?" "I don't give a shit where he is!" "I don't understand..." "Get the head of the hospital on the phone." "We've arranged our entire schedule around that, and then you come and you tell me..." "No, you don't understand." "Okay?" "We waited two weeks..." "I would like to talk to the head of the hospital about it." "Hey." "Hey." " I am so fed up with those people." " I want to go home." "Okay, look, we can do the test, and then go home, okay?" "Randall." "There's just all this red tape and all this new protocol..." "Don't try to sell me!" "Please!" "Okay?" "I'm not going to get better." " That's bullshit." " This is bullshit." "I'm tired and I'm bored." "What are you bored of?" "Parkinson's isn't my life!" "I have Parkinson's." "Why can't I just live my life instead of becoming this project?" "Do you know that what's ahead of me is bad enough?" " Don't you want to get..." " No!" "You want." "This has become way too important to you." "What are you talking about?" "Don't you want to get better?" "Yes!" "Desperately!" "It's not going to happen." "All right?" "News flash, there's no cure." "Apparently you need to know that I'll get better in order to love me." "That's insane." "(SIGHING)" "You need to get your stuff out of my apartment." "What the hell?" "You're on the fast track, Randall." "Chicago, then management." "Next stop, CEO." "You can't do that with a sick person holding you back." "I can do anything I want." "(SIGHING) I know." "You're a good man." "In fact, you're a wonderful man." "Much better than you give yourself credit for." "Nobody wants to be the one who runs away." " I'm not running away." " It's not your choice." "Let's just go home." "We can even make love." "And then you have to leave." "(SIGHING)" "This is so stupid." "Stop." "We don't have to do this." "Good-bye." "(ENGINE STARTING)" "(MAGGIE SOBBING)" "(SIGHING DEEPLY)" "(JOSH SNORING)" "Hi." "You have reached M. Murdock." "If I'm not picking up, it's probably because I don't want to talk to you." "This is actually sad." "Are you trying to get it in the actual garbage, or just around it, to piss it off?" "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "(GROANS)" "Stan!" "What's up?" "What's fucking up is your friend, Lisa-Cassie, whatever her name is, is having a pajama party at some rich guy's house this evening." "Pajama party?" "What's a pajama party?" "Is that, like, girls wearing pajamas?" "Getting naked?" "I thought maybe you might bring by a little vitamin V, some little men in blue." "Stan, I'd love to." "I don't think I can." "I'm feeling a little..." "What are you doing?" "(IMITATING JAMIE) Yes, Stan, it's me, Jamie." "I'll totally be there." "See you later." "Bye." "Hey, you and I are going to a pajama party." "So, you should get ready, 'cause I'm in pajamas." "JOSH:" "I'm having second thoughts, Jamie." "I haven't been to a pajama party since 4th grade." "What if people start taking their clothes off?" "Oh, my God!" "I didn't want to come here in the first place." "You're the one who wanted to come." "JOSH:" "Will people have to see me naked?" "I can't even pee in front of other people." "JAMIE:" "You have a beautiful body." "I don't know how many times I have to tell you, you have a beautiful body." "JOSH:" "It's actually very upsetting when you say that." "(LISA CHUCKLES)" "Well, look who's here!" "How working class." "Love it." "Come in." "(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)" "(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)" "How the fuck am I supposed to do good medicine on 50 patients a day?" "Plus rounds." "And phone calls every day with family..." "Fucking idiots, telling you, "No, you're wrong," because they looked it up on the Internet." "(LAUGHS)" "I fight over billing, I fight over prescription coverage." "(SCOFFS)" "The insurance companies are dedicated to not paying you." "And the big law firms, man, they're just waiting." "They're just betting you're going to make that one big mistake." "This profession for me, it was a higher calling." "You know?" "Make people's lives better." "And look at me." "LISA:" "Here they are, for Christ's sake." "Randall, get up from the floor!" "Come with me." "Come with me." "Come on!" "Come on!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Are you all right?" "Go forth, my son." "Be fruitful and multiply." "(LAUGHS)" "The thing about the software business is it's very, very volatile." "You never know where the financial model's going to go." "It changes every six months." "And you never know what these hospitals are gonna want." "One day (CLEARS THROAT) it's peer-to-peer connectivity, then next it's top-down integration with their preexisting infrastructure." "(ENGINE HEART PLAYING)" "You can touch them, if you want." "Oh!" "Oh." "Thank you." " This way." "You'll see." " No, no, no." " I don't think we should do this." " I have a surprise for you." "No, no, no." "Turn around." "I've got a surprise." "This is my homegirl, Khae." "Whoa!" "She's Thai." "And I'm Thai-curious." "Engine turning over won't you start?" "(EXHALING)" "This one's come to tear me all apart" "She's Jamie-curious." "Be still my heart" " So am I." " No, no, wait." "I don't..." "Engine turning over won't you start?" "This one's come to tear me all apart" "Be still my heart" "Did I mention that I just took my company public?" "It's a pretty exciting thing because you work on something for so long, and then (EXCLAIMS) when it comes, it's..." "You know, you see the fruits bear... (MUFFLED) Okay!" "So, I really have mixed feelings about this." "We like Jamie." "We like Jamie very much." "Oh." "Oh." "What's wrong?" "(GRUNTS)" "(GROANING)" "(EXHALING)" "(MOANS)" "(SCREAMING IN PAIN)" "Sorry!" "I'm sorry!" " (WHISPERS) Josh!" " MAN:" "Be careful." " I'm sorry." "Stan." " STAN:" "Hey, Pfizie." "Josh!" "Ow!" "(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)" "Josh!" "Oh!" "Wait!" "We were just talking!" " Hi." " Hi." "We got to go." " JOSH:" "Now?" " Josh!" " It was a pleasure to meet you." " Very nice to meet you." "We'll keep in touch." "It feels like a frozen Popsicle." "Shit." "I didn't know that could even happen." "It's very rare, but it happens." " Do you think they'll have to amputate?" " Shut the fuck up, Josh, and drive!" "Bad joke." "(SCREAMS)" "Fuck!" "Sorry." "I was looking for the shift!" " So fucking..." " Sorry." "You know, for whatever it's worth, this has truly been the best night of my life." "That's wonderful." "No, seriously." "I'm not even kidding." "And I have you to thank for it." "I mean, I never thought I would have an experience like this ever in my life." "And this is the incredible thing." "This is why I'm so happy right now." "Because I fucked that girl." "Oh, my shit, I fucked that girl!" "And I'm thinking to myself," ""Oh, my God, this is empty!" "I feel absolutely nothing at all!"" " That's great, Josh." " Yeah." "All those years I was so jealous of you for having empty sex, and now I was the one having the empty sex, and I realized in that moment that if I hadn't experienced it," "I wouldn't have known how much I didn't want it." "You know?" "And now I can go back home to Farrah and feel really good about myself for the first time in my entire life." "And it's all because of you, Jamie." "It's all because of my big brother Jamie, with the enormous cock that won't go down!" "(LAUGHS)" "So thank you, brother!" "Sorry!" "My bad!" "Plus, my Pfizer stock's up 40%." " Hi." " Hi." " Can I help you?" " I'm having a drug reaction." "What kind of drug reaction?" "Oh." "Oh." "Just take a seat and we'll be right with you." "(PAGER BEEPING)" "What?" "Chicago." "I got it." "(LAUGHS) Dude." "Congratulations!" "That is unbelievable." "Jamie, that's everything that you've wanted." "That's incredible, man." "I'm very proud of you." "I'm not surprised, but I am very proud of you." "You know who's going to be thrilled, is Mom and Dad." "Jamie Randall makes good." "That's incredible, man." "You should be very, very proud of yourself." "Mmm." "(CHATTERING)" "If you're going to serve beef bourguignon, you should at least offer a proper Burgundy." "Or a Pinot, for Christ's sake." "Randall." "Maggie." "(STUTTERS)" "Oh, I'm sorry." "This is Jeremy." " Justin." " Justin!" "Justin." "I'll go get the car." "That would be great, Justin." "(BOTH CHUCKLING)" "I..." "I was..." "I tried to call you..." "I'm with someone." "Yeah, I can see that." "So..." "How are you?" "I'm good." "Good." "Come on." "I gotta go." "Maggie?" "It was nice to see you." "You're killing me, Randall." " Hey." "There he is!" "You ready to celebrate?" " Hey." "Maggie!" " Hi, Bruce." " How are you?" "What are you celebrating?" "This young rock star is about to take Chicago by storm." "(CHUCKLES)" "You got Chicago?" "Congratulations." "It was good to see you, Bruce." "I should go." "Nice to see you, Maggie." "MAGGIE:" "Peace." "Uh..." "So, I called it, didn't I call it?" "What'd I tell you?" "Say, "l called it."" " You should've put money on it." " I called it." "Where you gonna live?" "Downtown, maybe." "Somewhere far away from my family." "Downtown?" "You?" "You want Near North, man." "(WHISPERS) Pussy!" "And bistros, bars, (WHISPERS) pussy, pussy, pussy." "Why don't I move out near you?" "The 'burbs." "We'll go get a beer every once in a while." " Nah." "You don't want to do that." "No." " (CHUCKLES)" "Why not?" "I got a big raise, buddy." "Big raise." " You're kidding me." " Thanks to you!" "Those bastards." "Buddy, I was never going to get Chicago." "I'm too valuable to them in the field." "I can't believe this." "Give me some credit!" "It takes a sophisticated eye to spot talent in colossal fuck-ups such as yourself." " (SIGHS) I don't understand." " Don't be so naive." "I didn't actually want to go to Chicago." "I wanted you to think I wanted to go to Chicago, so you'd want to go to Chicago." "So you'd work your ass off to get there." " Oh, Bruce, this is unbelievable." " Me," "I love the road!" "I love a stinky motel!" "I love the barren back roads and strip malls of the heartland!" "That's what I love." "Why would I want to live in my own house?" "That I pay for?" "Why would I want to watch my kids play Little League?" "Why the fuck would I want to sleep in the same bed as my wife?" "Why the fuck would I wanna do that?" "(SIGHS)" "(SIGHS)" "JAMIE:" "Okay, so..." "MAGGIE:" "Okay, so... (BOTH LAUGHING)" " What's..." " Talk?" " Yeah." " All right." " Hi, there." "Hi." "I'm Maggie Murdock." " Hello!" "I'm about to have delicious reprobate sex with... (JAMIE SNICKERING)" "(WHISPERS) What's your name?" "JAMIE:" "Oh, come on." "Oh, right, right." "Jamie something." "And we're taping it so that he can always remember how totally hot I am." "Was." "Kids, if you're watching this, you put it back in Mommy's secret hiding spot right now or you will be sorry." "There will be consequences!" "JAMIE:" "What else?" "Um..." "Just how happy I am, in this moment, right now." "The way the light's hitting that face of yours." "There's this little breeze coming in through the window." "It doesn't matter if I have 10,000 more moments like this, or just this one, because" "it's all the same." "Yeah." "Just that." "Right now, this moment." "I have this." "(ENGINE REVVING)" "No." "Damn it!" "Richard!" "Richard!" "Where is she?" "(JACK-ASS PLAYING)" "(ENGINE REVVING)" "I been drifting along in the same stale shoes" "Loose ends tying the noose in the back of my mind" "Come on!" "Come on." "Hey!" "Hey!" "(HONKING)" "To where the puzzles and pagans lay" "Maggie!" " (CONTINUES HONKING)" " Hey!" "Mag!" "(INAUDIBLE) Jamie?" "(INAUDIBLE) Pull over." "(INAUDIBLE) No, I can't "pull over"!" "(INAUDIBLE) Just for a second!" "Pull over!" "(ENUNCIATING) I need to talk" "(INAUDIBLE) to you." "(INAUDIBLE) I don't want to talk to you." "When I wake up someone will sweep up my lazy bones" "And we will rise in the cool of the evening" "Wait, wait." "Okay." "Open the door. (GROANS) Okay." "(PANTING)" "Sorry." " I need you." " Please go away." "I drove a really long way to say that." "What?" "Am I supposed to be impressed?" "(WHISPERS) I don't know." "Yes." "Look, can you just get off the bus so we can talk for a second?" " Just for a second." " We're on a schedule." "Five minutes." "Please." "You guys don't mind if we take five minutes, do you?" "He's handsome." " Five minutes." " He is." "Five minutes, then I'll let you go." "(SIGHS)" "I'm full of shit, okay?" "No, I'm knowingly full of shit." "Because..." "Because..." "I have..." "I have never cared about anybody, or anything, in my entire life." "And the thing is, everybody just kind of accepted that." "Like, "That's just Jamie!"" "And then you..." "Jesus." "You." "(BREATHING DEEPLY)" "You." "You didn't see me that way." "I have never known anyone who actually believed that I was enough." "Until I met you." "And then you made me believe it, too." "So, unfortunately," "I need you." "And you need me." "No, I don't." " Yes, you do." " No, I don't." "Yes, you do." "Stop it." "Stop saying that." " You need someone to take care of you." " No, I don't." "Everybody does." "(SOBBING) I'm going to need you more than you need me." " That's okay." " No, it's not!" "It isn't fair." "I have places to go." "You'll go there." "I just may have to carry you." "I can't ask you to do that." "You didn't." "Hey, let's just say in some" "alternate universe, there's a couple that's just like us, okay?" "Only she's healthy and he's perfect." "And their world is about how much money that they're gonna spend on vacation, or who's in a bad mood that day, or whether they feel guilty about having a cleaning lady." "(LAUGHS)" "I don't want to be those people." "I want us." "You." "This." "JAMIE:" "I used to worry a lot about who I'd be when I grew up." "You know, like how much money I'd make or..." "Someday I'd become some big deal." "Sometimes the thing you most want doesn't happen." "And sometimes the thing you never expect to happen, does." "Like giving up my job in Chicago and everything, and deciding to stay and apply to med school." "I don't know." "You meet thousands of people, and none of them really touch you." "And then you meet one person, and your life is changed forever." "(FIDELITY PLAYING)" "Suppose I never ever saw you" "Suppose we never ever called" "Suppose I kept on singing love songs" "Just to break my own fall" "Just to break my fall" "Just to break my fall" "Just to break my fall" "Break my fall Break my fall" "All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better" "Gonna get better" "Better, better, better, better Better, better, better!" "I never love nobody fully" "Always one foot on the ground" "And by protecting my heart truly" "I got lost in the sounds" "I hear in my mind all of these voices" "I hear in my mind all of these words" "I hear in my mind all of this music" "And it breaks my heart And it breaks my heart" "I hear in my mind all of these voices" "I hear in my mind all of these words" "I hear in my mind all of this music" "And it breaks my heart And it breaks my heart" "It breaks my heart" "When it breaks my heart" "When it breaks my heart" "When it breaks my heart" "Breaks my heart" "When it breaks my heart" "When it breaks my heart" "When it breaks my heart" "When it breaks my heart"