"[DOORBELL RINGS]" "ALAN:" "Hey, Charlie, would you see who that is?" "It's Death." "ALAN:" "Hi, Mom." "Your gardener left this in the driveway." "That was no gardener, it was a girl with a grudge." " So how was your friend's funeral?" " Oh, terribly disappointing." "Yeah, in my experience, nothing kills a party like a dead broad in a box." "Don't be glib, Charlie." " Hello, Alan." "ALAN:" "Oh, hey, Mom." "Wow, you look nice." "Yes, mourning becomes me, doesn't it?" "If only more of my friends would die." "I'm sure the feeling's mutual." "Charlie, as long as you're over there, make Mommy a drink." "It's been a very depressing afternoon." "Thanks for spreading it around." "Can you believe two of Cynthia's three children didn't even bother showing up at her funeral?" "And the one who did was drunk and cracking tasteless jokes about his mother all throughout the service." "You didn't happen to jot any of them down, did you?" "And it wasn't just the children." "The crowd was very sparse and there was virtually no mourning." "That's understandable." "You said no one liked this woman." "Oh, she was a hateful shrew, but still..." "Fortunately, I was able to draw on my theater background and work up a good cry." "Sense memory." "I remember the time I wasn't cast as Blanche DuBois in Streetcar." "You're a good friend, Mom." "I know." "I'm just glad that when my time comes I won't have such a humiliating sendoff." "Right?" " Oh, yeah, yeah, sure." "Yeah." " Yeah, of course." "Sendoff." "Yes." "Well, I'm gonna go freshen up." "Even fake tears can ruin one's mascara." "Whoever did Cynthia's makeup should be shot and buried beside her." "She looked like a varnished clown." "You'll go to Mom's funeral, won't you?" "Of course." "As the eldest son, it's my obligation to pound in the stake." "Typical." "Nothing for Alan to do." "Okay, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers." "What are you doing?" "Leaving before Mom gets out of the bathroom." " I thought we were taking her to dinner." " I can't listen to her anymore." "It blows my mind that she can go on and on about her toxic friend's sad little funeral when we both know she gonna end up the same way." "I don't disagree, but there's an option to running away from her." "Yeah, but we'd get caught and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence." "We could tell her the truth." "That she's just as toxic as her late friend and that that's the way she's gonna be remembered." "Are you on crack?" "Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change." "If she realized how people see her, she'd just get new people." " Charlie, I..." " What are we gonna say, Alan?" ""You're a crazy she-bat and the only way people will come to your funeral is if your delighted sons turn it into a three-day beer bash with go-go dancers." "Well, we wouldn't start there." "All right, Cynthia's in the ground my face is on, I look stunning in black let's go to dinner." "Hey, just follow my lead." " Mom?" " Yes, dear." "Alan thinks you're a crazy she-bat and no one will mourn at your funeral either." "We're telling you this because we love you." "I see." "Look, Mom, you have to realize that you're not that different from Cynthia." "I most certainly am." "Oh, come on, Mom." "You speak ill of everyone, even your closest friends." "You manipulate people." "You're an unbelievable narcissist." " You're self-obsessed..." " That's a bit redundant, isn't it?" "You find fault with everything." "And, frankly, I don't know anyone who enjoys spending time with you let alone would cry at your funeral." "That's one point of view." "Charlie, I notice you haven't said anything." "Actually, "crazy she-bat" was mine." "Again, Mom, we're only telling you this because we care about you." "Right, Charlie?" "We care about you." "And it's not too late for you to change and become the kind of person that people would dearly miss." "When you're dead." " You've given me a lot to think about." " Yes, and while you're thinking remember the spirit in which it was intended." "Oh, I won't forget that." "Good, good." "Listen, I think I'm gonna beg off dinner tonight." "Good, good." "Aw." "Goodbye, boys." "ALAN:" "Bye-bye." " Goodbye." " Okay." " Okay?" "What's okay?" "What do you see that's okay?" "Well, we got out of dinner." "Yes, but at what cost?" "Sure, her feelings are hurt right now, but that'll pass in time and then she'll see this as an opportunity to grow and change." "Do you actually believe that?" "I have to, Charlie." "I have to." "Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad." "This PB and J is off the hook." " Excuse me?" " He's been watching MTV Cribs." "The kid's a sponge." "For shizzle, my dizzle." "Hey, MC Skid Mark." "Here's something else you left in your pants." " Oh, right." "I was supposed to mail this." " What is it?" "It's a birthday card Mom gave me to send to Grandma." "Oh, God." "Today's Mom's birthday." "You forgot Mom's birthday?" "Did you remember it?" "Hey, hey, no one expects me to remember anything." " When's the last time you talked?" " I don't know." "When we told her she's horrible and nobody likes her." "Oh, yeah." "That was a fun day." " Guess I could save this for next year." " No, no, no." "You'll give it to her in person." "We'll go buy her a present, then bring it to her." "Gee, Alan, she hasn't talked to us in weeks." "Don't you think showing up with a gift might jeopardize that?" "If we don't, we'll never hear the end of it." "True dat." "You tell them, Poop Dogg." "Yo, check out the bling." "Jake, I'm not gonna tell you again." "You're a pasty white kid." "Start acting like one." "Fine." "Oh, this is cool." "It does say, "Mom."" "Charlie, be serious." "Jake, if you wanna help, find something that's appropriate for your grandma." " Like what?" "See if they got a grizzly bear ripping apart a salmon." "Hi there." "May I help you find something?" "Oh, yeah." "We're looking for a birthday gift for our mother." "Oh, how sweet." "When's her birthday?" "Today." "He forgot." "Well, tell me something about her." "What does she like?" "Hurting people." "Charlie..." "It's a little hard to answer that because we have a strained relationship." "Oh, so you'd like to find a gift that would help bring you closer together?" " No, no." "No, no." " Oh, no." "No." "This is just your standard family obligation here it is, happy birthday, stay-off-our-backs kind of thing." "But with a pretty bow." "I see." "And what is your price range?" "Enough that she can't complain, but not so much that it's won'th her while to return it." " Exactly." "Have you considered a nice perfume?" "Do you know her scent?" " Oh, actually I don't." " I do." " You do?" " Yep." "Do you carry Chanel N?" "666?" "You know, I think I'm going to let the two of you just browse a bit more and I'll be back, maybe." "JAKE:" "Great news." "It's on sale." "Now, remember, this was not a last-minute thing." "Our plan all along was to surprise her." "I know how to lie, Dad." "We're not lying." "We're being considerate." "By lying." "Happy birthday." "Oh, what a surprise." "That was the plan all along." "I don't know what to say." "After the last time we spoke, I assumed that..." "Come on, Mom." "No matter what, you're still our mother." "Right, Charlie?" "You're still our mother." "Give her her present, Jake." " Happy birthday." " Thank you." " Oh, it's heavy." " It's just a bowl." "I wanted to get you a bear eating a fish." "But we got her a nice crystal bowl instead." " So can we come in?" " Actually, I'm having a little party." " A party?" " And you didn't invite us?" "Charles, if someone's not going to mourn at my funeral I certainly don't want them at my birthday party." "Well, then who's here?" "People who love me." "People who care about me and accept me for who I am." "Oh, I gotta see this." "Please come in." "Oh, hello." "Hi." "Charlie, Alan, Jake, I'd like you to meet Roger and Philip and their son, Changpu." "These are my sons and grandson." " Oh, hi." " Nice to meet you." "Your mom is such an incredible woman." " She's like the loving mother I never had." " She's fabulous." "We're one big, happy family." "Son of a bitch." "She got new people." "Who are these guys?" "You're surprised I have friends?" "You're surprised that I'm surprised?" "Roger works in my real-estate office, Philip does my hair." "And I introduced them." "They make a lovely couple, don't they?" "Yeah, I guess." "And they adopted Chung King?" "Changpu." "Yes, from China." "Of course, I had to help them a bit, greasing the bureaucratic wheels." " You bribed someone?" " Oh, don't be ridiculous." "I merely slept with a commie." " Is this goose liver?" " It's quail pât?" "with endive." " Philip's special recipe." " Oh, you gotta give it to me." "Well, I'll trade you." "My recipe for your mother." "Done." "You are so lucky." "My mother is a bitch on wheels." " Your mother?" "What about my mother?" " Fine, your mother's a bitch too." "Thank you." "So do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?" "I have a cello." " What do you play on that?" " Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich." "So no "Grand Theft Auto"?" "[SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]" "Oh, this is a treat." "My boys, my boys." "Thank you." " Make a wish." " Why?" "You're already here." "My wish has come true." "Who wishes for two gay guys and a Chinese kid?" "Oh, and now, Evy, we have a very special present for you." "What do you think, a bear eating a bear?" "Changpu is going to perform a cello concerto." "He wrote it himself in your honor." "How marvelous." "[SPEAKS IN CHINESE]" " Should I give her the card now?" " Forget about the card, Jake." "Shh, shh, shh." "Shampoo is gonna play." "Don't feel bad." "I bet he can't burp the alphabet." "Well, that was one of the most bizarre evenings I've ever spent." " It was right up there." " I thought it was fabulous." "You know what's happened, don't you?" " We've been replaced." " Hey, fine with me." "As long as she's got Siegfried and Roy, we don't have to deal with her." "It's fine with me too." "I just can't believe she conned these guys into thinking she's a good witch." " Well, we know she's not." " You're damn right." " You said it, sister." "Hey, SpongeBob GayPants, take a break." "You don't think we might have been wrong about Mom." " What?" " I'm just saying that Roger and Philip obviously see something in her that we don't." "Who knows her better?" "Us or them?" "Oh, us." "No question." "But maybe there's a part of her we're missing." "Alan, there's a part of her she's missing." "It's called her soul." "Snap." "Hey, Mom, how are you?" "Charlie, what a pleasant surprise." "Oh, I was just calling to say happy birthday again and thanks for last night." "It was so nice to meet Philip and Roger and Shanghai." "Changpu." " And thank you for the lovely crystal bowl." " Oh, good, you like it?" "Like it?" "Well, I love it." "I'm admiring it right now." "Great, great." " Listen, dear, I've really gotta go." " No, wait, Mom." "I wanna clear the air about that stuff that got said a couple of weeks ago." "What's that?" "Well, I don't have any problems with you being who you are." "That whole thing about you needing to change, well, that's Alan's deal." " Oh, I knew that." " Yeah." "The thing I love about our relationship is that you don't try to change me, I don't try to change you." "We accept each other as, you know, incapable of changing." "That is very sweet." "Okay, here you go." "Eggs Benedict, my own reci..." " Anything else?" " No, no, I guess not." " Love you." " You too." "Bye-bye." " Who was that?" " Oh, nobody." "You said there was something important you wanted to talk to me about?" "Yeah, yeah." "I was just thinking about..." "Mm." "Mm." "Too much lemon juice in the sauce." "Oh, gee, I'm sorry." "You should ask Philip for his recipe." " I will." " You might also ask him who cuts his hair." "You don't have to be gay to look nice." "I'll ask." "Anyway, I just wanted to clear the air about a few things." "Really?" "Like what?" "Well, you know, that stuff that got said a couple of weeks ago." "I just want you to know it was Charlie's idea." "Oh, I knew that." "Yeah, I only went along because, you know he's the older brother and he might have been drunk." "Well, I'm just glad one of my sons cares about me." "I do." "I love you, Mommy." "Right back at you." "Now skedaddle." "Philip and Roger will be here any minute." "Oh." "Okay." "Oh, look, there they are." "Philip, Roger and Changpu." "No pictures of me or Jake." "Sweetheart, I've been asking for a decent picture for years." "All I've ever gotten was a school photo of Jake where he appeared to be sucking on his shirt." "Oh, yeah." "They served spaghetti on picture day." "Oh, hey, you know what we should do?" "We should get together and take a nice family portrait." " That sounds lovely." " Great." "I'll set it up." " Terrific." " Okay." "Bye." "Bye-bye." "Did I tell you that I love you, Mommy?" "Yes, but I never tire of hearing it." "Oh, well, in that case, I love you, Mommy." "I really should have stopped drinking during pregnancy." " Hello?" " Hello." " Hey, Alan?" " Yeah?" "I couldn't help noticing there's a photographer in the living room." "Oh, yeah, we're taking a family picture." "Family picture." "Would it be rude of me to point out the obvious flaw in your plan?" " I didn't think you'd be interested." " I'm not." "So it's just you and Little Lord Scratch 'r Sniff?" "Hey, if you don't sniff it, you don't know what it is." "Actually, it's a picture of me, Jake and Mom." "Mom?" "Mom who?" "She said she didn't have any good pictures of us." "Wait a minute, when did you talk to Mom?" "She called me." "You've been sucking up to her behind my back, haven't you?" "Charlie, you have no idea how insane that sounds." "All I know is after everything that's happened I would never talk to her without talking to you first." " You wouldn't?" " What kind of person do you take me for?" "I'd rather cut off my arm than pick up the phone and try to undermine my brother." "Me too." "That's why I'm taking a bullet here for the both of us." "Well, thanks." "You don't have to thank me." "I'm your brother." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Ooh." "Mommy's here." "Might as well get this over with." "Wait a sec, hang on." "Let me go change." " You actually wanna be in the picture?" "CHARLIE:" "No, no, no." "Are you kidding?" "But it's not fair for you to have to do it alone." "Oh." "Well, thanks." "You don't have to thank me." "I'm your brother." " Hi, Mom." " Hello, dear." " Mom, how are you?" "Good to see you." " Hi, Charlie." "Oh, what a marvelous house." " Adorable." " Mom?" "You said you wanted a family portrait." "They're family." "Okay, well, I'm going back to bed." "Charlie, what about the picture?" "Put me down for a wallet size." "I just love what you're wearing." "[PLAYING "SMOKE ON THE WATER"]" " Like that?" " Yeah." "But what was all that crap in the beginning?" "Introduction of my own composition." "No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" doesn't begin with crap on the water." "My apologies." "Okay, let's take it from the top." "One, two, three, four." "[PLAYING "SMOKE ON THE WATER"]" "The play date was a good idea." "Yeah, let's see how Grandma likes her prodigy after he sponges up our sponge." "[ENGLISH SDH]"