"PUDDLE:" "Steve was in the middle of a game when his friend, Fa'ad arrived." "(WHISPERS LOUDLY) Fa'ad." "Fa'ad, pop the trunk so I can hop in." "Why?" "I'm playing "$500 if you can find me" with Puddle." "It's like a more incentivized hide and seek." "I made it up when I was a kid." "Well, that explains the low prize amount." "The other twist is that you don't tell your opponent that you're actually playing..." "Actually playing, so they have to figure that out too." "I'd like to play that game with you." "Oh, you have." "Many times." "You're horrible at it." "Well, you're not much better." "If Puddle sees me talking to the back of my car, she'll spot you instantly." "We should be safe here until nightfall." "Lot of luggage back here." "Mmm, well, summer "bacation's" over and fall is finally here, so that can only mean one thing." "Fall vacation." "I'll be joining my mothers and father on a trip to the Gulf." "Always nice to see somebody else's spill." "And of course you'll be "trabeling" with your family." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I forgot that your family has little regard for you." "No, they care about me." "They just choose not to show it with words or actions." "But with Emmy and Puddle here," "I kind of have a new family." "We all have our own roles to play in our little psychodrama." "And I'm hoping that by taking them away on vacation," "I'll finally be able to make love to the wife character." "How clueless of you." "Don't you think there must be a reason why she insists on "libing" in that tree house?" "Why doesn't Darren let Samantha use magic?" "I don't know." "She finds you and your lifestyle morally repugnant." "Do you think?" "Of course." "This is a woman who spent all her time in the jungle." "She probably doesn't even "shabe" her legs." "That actually came up the other night." "PUDDLE:" "It was right after Mom took her first bubble bath in six years." "STEVE: (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Emmy." "Emmy, are you taking a bath?" "Emmy." "Of course, she didn't want Steve to know about it." "Are you kidding me?" "I wouldn't waste hot water on a bath." "I couldn't figure out how to use your dishwasher." "Who, Oleg?" "Oh, just push the dish into his chest." "He'll take it from there." "Listen, you've been in the jungle for a long time, so if you want to just soak in a hot tub or shave your legs or whatever..." "That won't be necessary." "Are you saying that because they're already shaved, or..." "No, I was saying I don't believe that one person is worth the energy it takes to heat 80 gallons of water for a bath." "Oh, well, you may not be worth it, but I am." "I'm filthy rich." "No, no, no, I wasn't talking about money." "I was talking about personal worth." "Yes, and I'm saying that I have far more personal worth than you do, but I'm not judging you for it." "Steve, I am judging you." "Overruled." "Oh, admit it." "You find my wealth to be emasculating." "I am not a man." "Then shave your legs, sir." "(CHUCKLES) Oh, "Stebe", you have a better chance of romance with me in the back of this escalade than you do of getting that woman to go on a trip with you." "Just so much baggage." "We could move it." "No, I meant between Emmy and me." "Let us out of here." "I was a fool to think that I could ever get close with her again." "(SIGHING) Tell your mom I'm going out of town next week." "On vacation." "Alone." "PUDDLE:" "I was sorry to hear about that, although happy about the $500 tip." "EMMY:" "Did you see Steve?" "I found him curled up in a ball at the back of Fa'ad's car." "Huh." "That can't be good." "Unless..." "Did he give you $50?" "Uh-huh." "PUDDLE:" "Among 450 other things." "Yeah, that's a game." "He's trying to make it fun for you here." "He really is a big sweetie, isn't he?" "God, I feel terrible about what I said the other day to him." "I Just..." "I think I was feeling guilty about not staying in the tree house." "Why are we staying in the tree house?" "We're making a point." "We're making some point." "But maybe we do deserve a little vacation from the tree house, right?" "It is fall break at school." "Maybe we could stay in Steve's house while he goes on vacation." "Hmm?" "Oh, yeah, he wanted me to tell you." "He's going alone." "Alone?" "What?" "Oh, okay, I get it." "He's trying to make a point about how he's worth more than we are, and how he deserves some big, fancy trip while we live in this tree like animals." "Where is he?" "Been there." "Don't want to go there." "Found you." "I'm not paying you 500 for that." "I'm not playing." "Neither am I. I can't believe..." "Five hundred?" "Did I count that wrong?" "I can't believe you're going out of town alone." "Well, you're obviously not going with me." "Well, obviously, because I misunderstood what's going on here between us." "Well, I obviously did too." "After all, I'm not worth a vacation." "Well, I love planning a great, big trip to go on all by myself." "Oh, so you prefer going with Puddle and me?" "There's nothing I'd like more." "Well, same here." "Great." "So then we're not actually fighting." "No." "We're agreeing." "Then go pack your bags." "You know what?" "I will." "I'm really excited." "It's gonna be fun, right?" "Yeah." "So you really talked her into going, huh?" "Three weeks of her, me, and a four-poster bed." "You know, you always tell me to bring that, and we never actually put it together." "At least I have a chance for a little me time, and I'm finally going to finish renovating my little cottage." "Wait, isn't that on my land?" "Yes, it's the old hunting cabin." "You gave it to me after I had my second heart attack." "Well, sure." "I didn't think you'd make it." "PUDDLE:" "For some reason, Mr. Lunt was touched by that." "Well, I'm going up there with a bottle of Chardonnay, some stenciling, and a good Kitty Kelley." "So where are you taking Emmy and Puddle without feeling guilty for not taking me?" "You know, I thought I'd just gas up the jet, maybe take her to a private resort in Montenegro." "You know, Emmy's really not a "gas up the jet" type of gal." "You want to impress her, you don't leave a carbon footprint." "Well, what am I supposed to do?" "Take her to some shed in the woods within walking distance?" "Like the old hunting cottage." "Yeah, that's woodsy and rustic." "She'll love that." "Oh, no, no, no, it's not like that anymore." "I've been redoing it for years." "It's all slate and seagrass, and leftover Carrara marble from your pool house redo you said I could have after my prostate." "Well, easier to tear down than to build up, right?" "Is it?" "Sure." "Migo, why don't you could go over there with a couple of your guys, put some leaks in the roof, knock down some of that gingerbread, bring it back to the skinning shack it must have been at the turn of the century, huh?" "That okay with you, Lunt?" "Well, it's just that I spent so long fixing it up." "I was sort of hoping to retire there when you stopped needing me." "Hey, look at me." "I'm never gonna stop needing you." "No, the last thing that you'll see on this earth is my tear-stained face as I shovel dirt onto yours." "I'm going to see this?" "We're going to a cabin?" "I know." "It doesn't sound like a huge step up from the tree house, but he's really trying, isn't he?" "They all are." "PUDDLE:" "They were." "Especially Migo and his family." "We found that weird room filled with china dolls." "I say we leave it." "It's a little creepy." "Steve said he wanted creepy, right?" "Yeah, you know, it's really not the right kind of creepy." "Get it out." "(SHATTERING)" "Well then, let me at least tissue and box 'em." "So it looks like we'll need our bed rolls, and it might be tight quarters, so I'm gonna do a little touch-up." "PUDDLE:" "She'd never admit it, but I think my mom was really looking forward to having a man in her life." "MAN:" "Hey." "Until she was reminded that she already had one." "Can a guy who just traveled three weeks on a garbage barge to see you get a hug around here?" "PUDDLE:" "Kind of." "My mom's fiance had arrived off a garbage barge from Peru." "Oh, dear God, you smell." "Yeah." "So why did you take a barge and not fly?" "Well, you know, I was in line to get a ticket, but then I saw this migrant worker who was trying to get back to his pregnant wife, and, you know, he was oppressed and huddled." "Not..." "Not so much a mass, but, still, I..." "You know," "I gave him my money, and..." "Andy." "Mmm." "Oh." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "So bad." "Anyway, now I'm broke." "I got no money, and the little money I do have is gonna have to go to Hep C shots." "Let that be a lesson to you, little lady." "See a nice bag of soft cotton balls but it's marked "Medical Waste", you don't use her as a pillow." "(LAUGHS)" "(LOUD CLATTERING)" "Oh, shy." "But then I got your letter." "And it occurred to me the light of my life has infiltrated the enemy." "Together, we can bring Wilde Oil to its knees from within and liberate the oppressed masses." "Well, big plans, but Steve really is just the son, and he is letting us stay here so Puddle can go to school, so there is that." "I can't believe you're trading in your principles for some pampered existence in some luxurious McTree Mansion." "I mean, look at this." "This is everything we fought against." "I mean, what kind of deal did you make with this guy?" "No deal." "We hardly even see each other." "STEVE:" "Come on down, girls." "Our family vacation awaits." "Except on trips." "We do see each other on trips." "Is that him?" "Hey, pig." "Who the hell are you?" "I'll give you a hint." "It rhymes with candy cheeks." "What?" "It rhymes with candy cheeks, or is candy cheeks?" "Dr. Andy Weeks." "Oh, come on." "I'm the guy who's engaged to Emmy, the guy she's been telling you about." "Yeah, well, I've never heard of you before." "I've mentioned you." "He never listens." "She says you never listen." "Well, why don't you come down here and see if I never glisten." "I'll be on the cover of Men's Journal a hell of a lot sooner than you will, pal." "I'm coming down." "Great." "While you're coming down, I'm heating up." "PUDDLE:" "For some reason, it's really hard to hear under that tree house." "Here I come." "Oh, yeah, no, here I come." "Look where you're at." "Who's glistening now, jerk?" "What, are you scared to come up and face me man-to-man?" "Well, no, you're in the way." "Well, just..." "Well, you can come on the side." "I don't know if my arms can..." "Well, then, now we're both..." "Well, no, let me come on..." "Oh, my God." "I don't know why they call you candy cheeks." "You smell like a garbage barge." "Hey, you don't think I'm self-conscious about that?" "You know, sorry, man." "I didn't expect me to be sharing a McLadder today." "Oh, well, excuse me..." "You guys, stop it." "I'm coming down." "Well, I'm glad somebody's calm." "I'm calming down." "Would you move?" "PUDDLE:" "This continued for a while." "And to make matters worse, it was gardener day." "You have to do that now?" "Come on." "Emmy, you're not... (ALL CHATTERING)" "Lunt, you're grabbing my leg!" "PUDDLE:" "And by the time we all got to the bottom rung of the ladder, our vacation had been canceled." "I don't get it." "Why do we have to cancel our trip?" "Because it's inappropriate." "My fiance just got here." "Still can't believe that that gargoyle in Birkenstocks is your fiance." "I mean, you're pretty and beautiful and attractive, and he is like a poor man's poor man." "Well, unlike you, I don't judge people just by how they look, okay?" "I'm more concerned about their compassion and their principles." "Well, that is not very compassionate to those of us who look fantastic and don't have principles, is it?" "What?" "No, look, you can call Andy a poor man all you like, but you have no idea what he is really worth." "Wait, is he wealthy?" "Oh, my God." "Is he, like, Howard Hughes rich?" "Is that why he doesn't bathe?" "No, he bathes." "He just got off a..." "I'm not talking about financial worth." "Then please stop using the word "worth"." "You know what?" "I should go be with my fiance right now." "MIGO:" "What's going on?" "I have to deal with this Andy problem." "I'm gonna have to destroy him." "No, no." "Anything bad you do to him is just going to push them closer together." "Well, what am I supposed to do?" "Act like I like the jackass?" "Yeah." "See, the kinder and friendlier you are to him, the more he looks like a jerk when he pushes you away." "Kill him with kind of being nice to him." "I like the sneakiness of your people, Migo." "I'll share that with my peoples." "PUDDLE:" "Later, my mom was with Andy, but she was still mad at Steve." "Okay, this is ridiculous, all right?" "Just go use Steve's bath." "There's, like, 16 different types of bath salts." "No." "Bathing in that capitalist pig's home would just make me more..." "How do you know so much about Steve's bath?" "I'm assuming." "You know, if one were easily emasculated, one might think you, uh, cared about him, or something." "I am not a man." "No, I am." "I'm a man." "Oh, I didn't mean to emasculate you." "I..." "I'll be all right." "By the way, I do not care about him, okay?" "He's a rich son of a rich dad." "If you're gonna go after anyone," "I would concentrate on the father." "I mean, he's really..." "Emmy, that's it." "That's a brilliant idea." "Yes." "We'll kidnap Steve, use the ransom money from his dad to buy back the land from the tribes he displaced." "See, that's how you help people." "Okay, but you can't really kidnap Steve." "I mean, among a million other reasons, once he's released, he'd tell everyone it was you, and you'd go to jail for the rest of your life." "What if he didn't know he was being kidnapped?" "Then I guess it wouldn't be the best kidnapping." "What if he thinks he's going on a vacation with his friend, Andy, who, unbeknownst to him, has sent a letter off demanding his ransom?" "See, rich people have insurance for stuff like this." "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" "We get to stick it to the insurance people, too." "It's the perfect crime." "But it is still a crime, you know?" "And it's not gonna work, because he's not gonna go anywhere with you." "You've done nothing but fight since you met him, and will you please find a hose?" "You're gonna hurt yourself." "Emmy, I did not win a loose cannon at the Eco Terrorist Awards by not knowing a little something about water pressure." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Andy!" "PUDDLE:" "So Andy went ahead with his fake kidnapping plan after all." "First by making a ransom note." "Then by trying to get Steve to like him, which he knew would take a while." "(LAUGHING) Oh!" "(LAUGHING) Hey." "I was hoping to see you." "Steve, I was hoping to see you." "PUDDLE:" "But Steve was following Migo's advice to act friendly to Andy." "There was a lot of fake acting-nice going on." "I wanted to apologize for accusing you of not listening earlier." "I would like to apologize for not being more glisteny earlier." "Steve says, "We should do something sometime." ""Let me get to know the real candy cheeks."" "This would be easier if you gave me the binoculars." "I happen to have a backpack right here." "We could hike up to my family's cabin as early as..." "Right now." "Let's." "PUDDLE:" "And so both men headed directly into the woods." "Won't this be fun?" "Great." "Stopping only so Andy could mail his ransom letter." "Come on, new buddy." "I haven't made a new buddy since never." "And soon we had a surprise visitor." "FA'AD:" "Have you a moment?" "I just wanted to know, not that I care, who that gentleman was that "Stebe" went on "bacation" with." "Vacation?" "Vacation?" "Oh, I'm so sorry." "I'm embarrassed to admit that I sometimes get my Bs and my Vs confused." "(CHUCKLES)" ""Bacation."" "Not that I wanted to "trabel" with "Stebe" myself." "Plus I could always go into the woods with him." "They went into the woods?" "They went into the woods?" "Look, she's right there." "I don't need you to lipread for me." "It's weird they would go somewhere without leaving a note." "I saw him making a note." "He was cutting up magazines." "Oh, no." "I think my fiance's kidnapping Steve." "Well, I don't want to rush you through the grieving process, but would you like to go on "bacation" with me?" "PUDDLE:" "My mother was shocked to find out that Andy was kidnapping Steve." "Puddle, go find Migo and Mr. Lunt." "Tell them what's going on." "We have to stop that letter from going through, otherwise Andy will go to jail." "Hurry." "Go." "PUDDLE:" "I ran as fast as I could until they couldn't see me anymore." "I'm not a giant Andy fan." "They must be going to the cabin." "Fa'ad, can you take me to the cabin in the woods?" "If you're okay with me taking my "SUB"." "No, we're not taking a submarine." "What is with these rich people and..." "Oh, you mean SUV." "Yes, that's what I said." "S-U-B." "PUDDLE:" "Meanwhile, Andy and Steve were growing tired of being fake-nice to each other." "Got anything to drink in there, friend?" "In where, friend?" "That giant backpack of yours, friend." "Oh." "I don't think that there's anything in it." "Just packed with the hiking paper it came with, my friend." "That's not hiking paper." "That's the filler they use to make it look fat, you idiot..." "Friend." "You look fat, you moron." "(LAUGHS) So you're not my friend, are you?" "Of course not." "And I can't believe that you want to be my friend." "I don't." "I'm kidnapping you, you twit." "What are you talking about?" "I could overpower you in a moment." "Yeah, that's why I didn't tell you." "Come on." "Stop saying that." "Just lead us to that damn cabin so I can call Mr. Lunt and he can get us the hell out of here." "Fine." "Wait, what do you mean "lead us"?" "I don't know where your stupid cabin is?" "Well, neither do I." "What, you think I've been everywhere on my property?" "I don't think I've been everywhere in my house." "Anyway, aren't you some kind of jungle doctor, who knows how to track things?" "Ouch!" "That hurt." "Look, you can't track anything that doesn't walk or leave droppings for a trail, you know?" "Like..." "Like that." "That's a trail, see?" "Comes all the way right up..." "Oh." "I'm sick." "(GRUNTS)" "Candy cheeks!" "Oh, I think I'm gonna need some of that hiking paper." "PUDDLE:" "Meanwhile, Fa'ad and my mother arrived at the cabin." "Steve?" "Andy?" "Where..." "What kind of cabin is this?" "I know." "Isn't it wonderful?" "Used to be an old hunting lodge, but now it's sort of a "haben" for me where I can just slow down and get to know somebody recently "abailable"." "Are you insane?" "You were supposed to take me to Steve's cabin." "Oh, "Stebe's" cabin." "Yes." "We are heading off a potential disaster here." "I'm so sorry." "I didn't get that at all." "It's hard to hear under the tree house." "No, I have no idea where Steve's cabin is." "(SIGHS)" "Are you good at tracking?" "Well, I'm okay, if they've left some sort of trail." "You look terrible." "I don't feel so great." "I'm leaking like the Exxon Valdez." "I think I'm a little delirious." "These trees were making fun of me." "Oh, but then I met a family of raccoons." "(LAUGHING) They were so delicious." "Quick." "Let's make love." "Oh, no." "God, you are just a head coming out a pile of packing wrap." "There's still things we can do." "What is wrong with you?" "I honestly don't know." "I think it might be related to the medical waste" "I used as a pillow, but don't worry about me." "I'm gonna be fine." "I'm talking about the kidnapping." "You sent a letter?" "Well, he led me into the woods." "I thought it was my last chance." "Okay, so where is he now?" "Well, he made this nice hiking nest for me, and then he went to go get help, which is weird, 'cause he's such a jerk." "It's because he's not a jerk, Andy." "I'm the jerk." "Because when you asked me why I'm staying with Steve," "I should have told you the truth, which is..." "I like him." "He's my friend." "What?" "Wait, you're not just gonna leave me here, are you?" "You're a quarter mile from the tree house." "Oh, come on!" "EMMY:" "Stop saying that." "PUDDLE:" "My mother finally found the cabin, hoping that Steve was there, calling for help." "God, it's grotesque." "Oh." "This is not what it looks like." "Really?" "Because it looks like you're warming yourself in a dilapidated cottage." "Yeah, the guys did a really good job with the dilapidating." "But I called Mr. Lunt." "He's gonna pick up Andy." "Oh..." "Well, you don't look very kidnapped." "Looks kidnapped to me." "Wonder how long Andy's going to jail for." "Oh, Steve, about that, I just want you to know" "I would never condone something like kidnapping." "In fact, I sent Migo to try to intercept that letter at your father's, but he did not get there in time." "It's okay." "It's great." "I actually think that it's great that the money might actually go to a good cause, so..." "My dad has insurance for stuff like this." "Believe me, how much did he end up paying?" "Well, I think your father was a little worried it would up the premiums." "At first." "Which is why he decided to sit this one out and not report you missing." "But... (LAUGHS)" "I..." "I have nothing else to say." "(CLEARS THROAT)" "PUDDLE:" "All of a sudden, I got why Steve made up a game to make people want to look for him." "That's great." "It's good to know what you're worth." "You know, let's change the subject." "Migo, you had..." "Nothing else to say." "Hey, you mean a lot to us, okay?" "And, you know, we're already here, so why don't we take that family vacation?" "Really?" "Yeah." "I would love that." "Hey, is there room for one more on this "bacation"?" "Of course." "Well then, let's bring "Stebe"." "He's "habing" a rough day." "Hey, listen." "We can't have people sleeping on the floor." "What about I bring that four-poster out for you and me?" "Uh, how about for me and Puddle?" "There's nothing I wouldn't do for you and Puddle." "Migo, go do that for her and Puddle." "(LAUGHS)" "(EXHALES)" "Sorry about coming on so strong there." "I..." "You know, Steve, you talk a big game, but I think what I really am to you is a friend." "(LAUGHS)" "Please take your hand off my leg." "I get it." "You haven't shaved."