"Oh." "Hold your calls, America." "We have a winner." "God, look at her." "Her name is Kimmy." "Why don't you ask her out?" "Yeah, good idea." "How's this?" "My puppy's not feeling well." "Hold me?" "Just be honest." "Women respond to honesty." "Honesty..." "Come on, trust me." "Trust me, trust me." "Hmm..." "Hi!" "I'm Dennis Finch." "I don't know you, but I think you're really cute." "Ah, I'd like to see you naked." "I'd like to have sex with you- brief, powerful sex followed by an eight-hour nap." "In the morning," "I'll brag to everybody I see about it, and I'll keep bragging." "Oh, yes, I'll brag away." "So... what do you think?" "Get away from me, or I'll staple your head to a wall." "Have a nice day." "Lesbian." "Is there anything worse than Monday morning?" "It's Wednesday afternoon." "Where have you been all week?" "How was Paris?" "I was in Paris?" "Anyway, tomorrow's Jack's birthday, and I'm throwing a little surprise party." "Wait a second." "Why are you throwing it?" "Because I'm his favorite." "No, you're not." "I've known him for 25 years." "I've seen him naked." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." "We were all at that Christmas party." "Look, I just think that I should be involved somehow." "You will be." "You'll be drinking all the liquor before the guests arrive." "How dare you." "What kind of liquor?" "6:00 sharp." "And the key word is "surprise", blabbo." "What do you mean, "blabbo"?" "Uh, does Baxter's retirement party ring a bell?" "How did I know he was in the next stall?" "His legs are short." "Look, you may be arranging this party, but I'm going to get him the better gift." "Oh, you will, will you?" "Earmuffs?" "Not just earmuffs." "There's a chip in the fur that plays classic routines from comedy duos." "That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard." "He'll love it." "That Burns and Allen!" "Ha-ha-ha." "Say good night, Gracie." "Got yourself a little gift, huh, Jack?" "Yeah, well, tomorrow's my birthday, and I always treat myself to something fun." "That way, I won't be disappointed." "I guess that goes back to when I was a kid." "Why?" "What happened?" "Well, my parents promised me every year a visit from my matinee idol Cowboy Pete and his trusty sidekick Monkey Dan, but it never happened." "Why does a cowboy have a monkey?" "Because the monkey saved his life." "That was his debt." "There was a code of honor back then." "Hi." "Morning, honey." "Listen, Dad, I just found out about this incredible story I want to do." "It's a little edgy, a little daring" "I like daring." "I discovered that chemicals are being illegally dumped into the city sewer system." "Look, it's a textile company." "They make clothes." "Okay, really sexy clothes." "Interesting." "Lose the part about the chemicals and call it..." ""Dump Your Clothes and Get Sexy."" "Done, sold, Bob's your uncle." "That's really not the angle I was going for." "See, the chemicals are being dumped into the sewer" "Okay, "Dump Your Boyfriend and Get a Chemical Peel."" "Shoot it, stuff it, hang it on the wall." "Dad, the story is about the illegal dumping of phosphates." "Okay. "How to Peel Off Your Boyfriend's Clothes."" "Bank it, spank it, smack it on the bing-bong." "Well, if you don't want to do this story," "I'll just take it to the Village Voice." "Okay." "I'll do it." "I'll drive you there." "I'm not bluffing." "I'm getting my keys." "Fine." "Why are you being so adamant?" "By the way, Erin Simon called." "Her plane lands at 4." "Who's Erin Simon?" "College roommate" "Middle East correspondent for Newsweek." "Turn-ons:" "scented candles." "Turn-offs:" "Andrew Lloyd Webber and shrapnel." "Newsweek, huh?" "Well, that explains the sudden interest in sewage." "What?" "Maya, are you embarrassed about working at this magazine?" "Uh!" "Of course I am!" "Erin is covering major world events, and I am writing an article about chemical peel makeovers." "Oh, great!" "So you'll do it." "Dad, you're not listening to me!" "Maya, let me tell you a little story." "Years ago, I'm in Chicago on business, and everybody's telling me about the ribs at this place called Twin Anchors." "Well, I walk all over that damn city, and I can't find it, so..." "I step into a little grocery store for directions, and there's this... tiny old woman making tamales." "Don't tell me- the best Mexican food you've ever eaten." "Nope." "I got food poisoning." "Was there a point here?" "Yes, the delivery girl from the pharmacy had the finest bosoms I have ever seen... and this was back when bosoms were real, Maya!" "Dad." "Please, I'm making a point." "Which is?" "Sometimes, on the way to your dream, you get lost, and you find a better one." "Well, good, because I'm certainly lost now." "Hmm." "Whatever happened to the chick with the nice ones?" "Sheila in accounting." "Hey, there you are." "This came for you." "Oh, put it on my desk." "Well, I already tried." "He won't stay up there." "Aah!" "Well, what's he doing here?" "He wasn't supposed to be delivered till tomorrow." "What do I do?" "I don't know." "But the guy said he either loves affection or hates affection." "I can't remember now." "Hey, I've seen this movie" "Every Which Way But Sober." "Yeah, laugh now, but this is going to make Jack's birthday." "How do you figure?" "Well, you remember when the monkey didn't show up at his party?" "Well, now he will, compliments of yours truly." "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard." "He'll love it!" "Hello." "All right." "Read that paragraph back to me." "Hi, I'm Erin Simon." "I'm looking for Maya Gallo." "That's a lovely necklace." "Thank you." "No, no, no- The last I checked," "Uzvakistan was a monarchy, not a theocracy." "Erin!" "No, no, no!" "Do not call him a general." "His official title is Minister of Agriculture and Discipline." "Okay, keep going." "Yeah, that's great." "Oh, that's perfect." "Ooh, I love that." "Ooh-la-la." "Make mental picture for later." "Okay." "Look at you." "You are so skinny!" "You too." "You look great!" "So this is where you work, huh?" "Yeah, this is pretty much it- uh, photo area, conference area, offices, woman with a monkey..." "kitchenette." "So... what are you working on?" "Oh, I've been uncovering human rights violations in Eastern Europe." "Well..." "I'm working on quite the hard-hitting piece myself." "Maya, we've gotta fill a page, so come up with some text for this butt shot." "Not now, Elliott." "If at all possible, avoid the word "asstastic."" "We've already used it twice this issue." "Oh, hiya, necklace." "Hey, again." "Oh, a couple of us are going to a club tonight, if you guys wanna go." "I'll go." "They got steak?" "It is a meat market." "I can't." "My source says they're dumping chemicals tonight." "And you know how it is with sources." "Oh, tell me about it." "I had a midnight rendezvous with an informant in Lebanon." "I'm five minutes late- his head's rolling down the street like a soccer ball." "Well, we'll be meeting up around 7 if you wanna go." "Cool." "Hey, why don't you come with me to the sewer?" "Seriously?" "Yeah!" "It'll be fun, like old times." "Checking out leads." "I check out leads every day." "I wanna check out some steak." "Come on, Maya." "Come with us." "Oh, I can't." "Besides, I don't want to spend all night in some dark hole getting hit on by some creep." "Want a KitKat?" "No, thank you." "Okay." "I know this is gonna sound weird, but I just love the fact that I'm standing in a sewer." "I mean, I haven't done a hard-hitting news piece in almost a year." "Hope I can still do it." "It just feels so good to know that I'm doing something meaningful." "Sure you don't want a KitKat?" "Ah, what the hell, we're on stakeout." "Yeah." "I find a lot of candy down here." "Morning." "Hey, how was the stakeout?" "Oh... great." "Uh, there was no dumping per se, but I got some good background." "It's gonna be a hell of an article." "Good." "Here, have a bagel." "Oh, thanks." "Hey, it occurred to me that I forgot to warn you about Elliott." "He didn't try to hit on you, did he?" "Yep." "Unbelievable." "I would've loved to have seen how you handled him." "I take that back." "Hey, mind if I wear your robe?" "Not at all." "Mind closing it?" "So..." "You and Elliott." "We may have broken your shower rod." "I gotta tell you, though," "I really like this guy." "You do?" "Yeah." "I mean, why not?" "He's smart, he's sexy." "He's got impeccable balance." "Erin, seriously, I don't want you to get hurt." "I mean, Elliott's kind of a... well, let's just say that he dates a lot of women." "Boy, you can tell." "That man knows his way around a woman's body." "I mean, I said, "faster" and he said, "not yet"" "and he was right." "Maya, mind if I use your toothbrush?" "Oh, not at all." "That's the one I use for grout." "Did you know you can't take a monkey on the subway?" "Yeah, bet you can't take half of what's in your purse on an airplane." "Oh, Nina, what have you done to him?" "We just bought the most fabulous Hugo Boss jacket at Barney's." "And it wasn't easy, considering the length of his arms." "I'm sure those restrictive pants will be the envy of all the other monkeys." "Well, the important thing is Jack is going to love him." "You know what else he's gonna love?" "Seems his matinee idol Cowboy Pete is still alive and kicking, and coming to the birthday party, courtesy of the Make-a-Finch foundation." "Oh." "An old man in a cowboy hat." "How ridiculous." "He'll love it!" "You Finch?" "God, what are you doing here?" "You're eight hours early." "They kicked me out of the topless bar." "I wasn't touching nobody." "I believe he's with you?" "Isn't he cute?" "Nina, I need that call." "I wouldn't do that, dear." "He'll rip it right out of the wall." "You know, we're supposed to be doing journalism here." "Instead, we're babysitting cowboys and orangutans." "Well, Sam, I guess that waiter at Tavern on the Green wasn't the most hostile person we met today." "Mel, sorry to keep you waiting." "Uh, new receptionist." "Tonight..." "You're sure?" "All right." "I'll meet you there." "Hey, I gotta ask you something." "Oh, me first." "What are you doing with Erin?" "Maya, I am a gentleman." "I'm not gonna tell you what I did or did not do with Erin." "But if you must know, go ask Finch." "Elliott, she's not one of your models of the week that you can just toss aside when you're done with her." "She's a friend of mine!" "I know, I don't want to toss her aside." "I like her." "Yeah, right." "No, I'm serious." "She's interesting, intelligent." "That's a nice change of pace for me." "Do you think she'll go away with me this weekend?" "Well, yeah, probably, I guess." "She said she really liked you." "She did?" "What were her exact words?" "She said she really liked you." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta get back to homeroom." "Maya..." "Oh, good." "You're here too, Elliott." "Hey, what's with the bags?" "The president of Uzvakistan committed suicide." "He shot himself 47 times in the back." "That stinks." "How long you going for?" "Oh, who knows?" "Last time I went for three weeks," "I ended up staying two years." "Okay, I'd better run." "It's so good to see you." "Hey, you keep that head down." "Oh, I wish we had more time." "And that goes double for you." "Well, if you're ever in New York..." "Well, if you're ever in a crumbling, former Soviet Republic..." "Take it easy, Necklace." "You too, Shower Rod." "Can I have this?" "I told you to wait in the studio." "Who is this broad?" "That's my mother." "That is some sweet caboose." "I'm gonna go take a nap." "Fine." "No, not in there, not in there." "Why?" "Get off!" "Find another nap place!" "Yes, Dennis?" "You buzzed me?" "No." "Hmm." "That's odd." "Say, Dennis, you haven't planned any surprises for me, have you?" "No." "I wanna take a nap!" "What was that?" "I just said I wanna take a nap, but I did it in a comical, old-man voice." "Nina- Shh!" "I just got him to sleep." "Listen, if anyone needs me, I gotta get back to the sewer." "But Jack's party starts in an hour." "Oh, God, that's right!" "What am I gonna do?" "I can't make it." "Does Finch know about this?" "Why would I tell Finch?" "Finch, we have a situation!" "You have to be there." "I made my secret punch." "What- vodka and food coloring?" "Who told you?" "Okay, the balloons are set." "Maya, you're on helium patrol." "No, forget it, Elliott." "She's not coming." "What?" "Does Finch know about this?" "Finch, we have a situation!" "They're dumping chemicals tonight." "I gotta be there." "Well, what about the balloon animals?" "I can't tie them by myself." "What's the problem?" "Oh, Maya's gonna miss the party." "But we got a cowboy." "And a monkey." "And I made tiny quiches." "I know, but my story..." "I really wanna be here, but I don't know..." "Well, make a decision and make it quick." "Duties need to be reassigned, and I got cowboy gramps over at my desk rifling through my crap." "I'm sorry." "I gotta go." "Pfft." "Want a Clark bar?" "Not right now, thank you." "May I tell you something" "I've never told another living soul?" "No, thank you." "Oh, what am I doing here?" "I ask myself that every night." "I'm missing my father's birthday party." "It's your pop's birthday, huh?" "Man, I love my dad." "I love my dad too." "Hell, I remember once Pop wrestled an alligator." "All I could do was stand by and watch in horror." "Wow." "Where were you?" "Right over there." "That's where I had my sandwich." "Wait." "Can you hear it?" "Hear what?" "Phosphates." "They're coming." "See?" "Told you." "That's it?" "That's why I missed my father's birthday party?" "What... what am I doing?" "!" "I can't just walk away from people." "I'm not Erin." "I like working at that stupid magazine with all those idiots." "What the hell am I chasing?" "Sometimes on the way to your dreams, you get lost, and you find a better one." "That's amazing." "I can't believe you just said that." "Thanks." "Read it off a whorehouse wall in Chicago." "Phosphates." "What?" "That was a good one." "It's crooked." "Lower." "Lower!" "Perfect!" "Thanks, eagle-eye." "Don't patronize me, you little peckerhead." "Security called." "Jack just pulled into the building." "Nina, I think you've been spending a little bit too much time with the monkey." "All right, Papa Bear's approaching the porch." "How is it working with a monkey again?" "Like a hell I can never escape." "All right, everybody, keep your voices down." "We all yell "surprise" on my cue." "I hear footsteps." "Surprise!" "What did I just say?" ""On my cue."" "My cue!" "Can I have this?" "No!" "Maya... your style is fabulous." "What did you use on your hair?" "Raw sewage." "Boy, they really are running out of good names." "I thought you had some big story." "Yeah, so did I, but sometimes on the way to your dreams, you get lost and find a better one." "Hey, I wrote that on a wall somewhere." "Where the heck is everybody?" "Surprise!" "Yeah, I'll say." "Am I the only one seeing this?" "* Life keeps bringing me Back to you *" "* Keeps bringing me home *" "* It don't matter What I'm gonna do *" "* 'Cause It's got a mind of its own *" "* Life keeps bringing me Back to you **"