"Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express." "Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs" "and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs." "Stay away!" "What sounds on earth could ever replace..." "Oi!" "..kids needing money or wives in your face?" "Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented, to calm us all down, stop us going mental." "These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials." "We are worth every penny for grinding your axes." "You shit on our heads but you pay the taxes." "Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd cum on your face for the price of a beer." "Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now." "Make...poverty...history." "Cheaper drugs now!" "Scatter!" "So, Maxine, then..." "'Here's the problem with society." "We've got too much choice." "'Every decade that rolls past, we get more and more lifestyle options." "'And the one thing you can guarantee about people, 'give 'em a choice and they'll pick the wrong fuckin' one." "'And then it's too late." "'Can't rewind, can't go back, you've made your choice 'and you and everyone else has got to live with it.'" "ASAP." "Was happy to feed Stella." "Make sure the bills were paid." "Stop dad from choking on his own vomit." "Wasn't choking so much as a terrified gargle." "But you just broke the camel's back." "Camel?" "Hey, brekkie!" "Just take, take, take, with you, innit?" "Should've got that tidy thing you hang around with to sew it for you, instead of pissing Liam off." "That's her job, see?" "Maxine?" "Maxine?" "Yeah." "Maxine?" "Yeah." "We broke up." "Remember?" "Remember?" "Give you the sharp end of the elbow, did she?" "No." "I dumped her." "Seriously." "I did." "It was me." "All me." "It was me." "All me." "She's out of your league, mate." "You're supposed to hold onto those ones, not chuck 'em away." "It just didn't feel right." "Good in the sack, made you laugh, bit of a brain on her, cracking tits you could stare at for hours?" "Well, yeah." "So what the fuck didn't feel right?" "Well, while you're ruminating on your failings as a human being, two eggs, sunny side up." "So, you'll do it, then." "I dunno." "It's weird." "Statement, not a question." "I've already told my mum and dad that I'm bringing my boyfriend to their anniversary party." "Oh, great." "What?" "Congratulations." "But I'm not a doctor." "And even if I was," "I'd be a gay doctor, so that's even less use for you." "You're the only half-decent man I know." "So show up, slap a smile on your face and pretend you like me." "Why you so bothered about impressing your parents, anyway?" "Why you so bothered about impressing your parents, anyway?" "Because they think I'm a fuck-up." "And I am a fuck-up." "But I'm not going to provide them with any more ammunition." "Tell you what, that black goes in... ..and you're on." "You all right, mate." "Look, I don't want to sound like a tit, but your angle's all wrong." "Come on, then." "That was actually pretty good." "Nothing." "What, that doesn't count!" "You said the black had to go in." "You didn't say who by." "Wear something straight." "Got any Tom Bakers?" "What?" "What?" "Scarves." "You know, like Tom Baker wore." "Ladieswear, third floor." "Eh?" "It's the lowest form of wit, love." "Never mind." "Going to look like a real twat if I turn up without one." "Bournemouth, three days." "Doctor Who convention." "There's going to be a real, live Cyberman there." "And I fucking love Cybermen." "And I fucking love Cybermen. 4.50." "I hear that Karen Maguire's coming out of prison today." "I hear that Karen Maguire's coming out of prison today." "You sure?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "And it was hospital, not prison?" "Yeah." "And it was hospital, not prison?" "No." "Mimi definitely said prison." "Ta." "See ya." "Yeah, live long and prosper." "Are you OK?" "I've stayed in worse places." "It's all right." "You can give me a hug, I'm not going to break." "Bit quiet in here, innit?" "People aren't willing to slap down cash for a quickie any more." "Everyone just stays home and wanks." "I thought when Lillian left me in charge it would be a chance to do things my way." "But you can't have a knocking shop if nobody's knocking." "KNOCKING" "Um..." "Piss off, son." "Come back when you're older." "Woah, woah." "Don't you fucking move." "How old are ya?" "16." "You got ID?" "Technically, he's legal." "Yeah, but if he gets his rocks off in here, every bloody kid for miles is going to be coming through that door..." "Woah, woah, woah..." "Park your arse." ""She's young," I said." ""They make mistakes." ""That's what youth is all about." "She'll learn."" "Main thing, she did her time like a good girl." "Makes me feel proud." "She's not half like me." "CLATTERING" "I wasn't in jail." "Best not talk about this now, eh, Karen?" "I was in hospital." "A psychiatric hospital." "Insanity plea." "Works a charm." "I've been diagnosed as being bipolar." "It's a disorder in which the individual alternates between states of deep depression and extreme elation." "And it is nothing to be ashamed of, despite what some people might think." "You'll ruin the good name of this family." "Have you looked at the family recently?" "If you really think the Maguires have a good name maybe it's you that needs a stay in a nuthouse." "Cereal for dinner?" "Yeah, it's for any time of the day." "Not breaking any laws." "Going out?" "Yeah, Maxine's folks are having a party." "Well, a bit of warning would have been nice." "I've not even had a shower or anything." "It's a private party." "It's not going to be fun." "I've got to pretend to be her doctor boyfriend." "Boyfriend?" "But she does know that you're a..." "Some kind of bird?" "Some kind of bird?" "Shit-stabber." "Some kind of bird?" "Shit-stabber." "Course she does." "You know that." "Da-dah." "Da-dah." "You scrub up OK." "So do you." "Yeah, for a poof!" "Well, I'm dead busy tonight, me." "Oh, I've got loads of things to do." "Should we hold hands or something?" "I don't know." "If you want." "Hello?" "Is this not a bit over the top?" "Shut up!" "Hi, Mum." "Hiya, love." "Dad this is, er, my boyfriend." "Hiya." "Hiya." "Dr Gallagher." "Doctor?" "Can't be bad." "Come in." "# Yet there's still this appeal... #" "How come you ended up with our Max?" "We met at, um... ..a social function." "It must be a bit frustrating, though." "Well, no." "Not really." "You've obviously made something of yourself and now you've been lumbered with her." "Take her brother, Bruce." "He's directionless, but he's got drive." "He's got" "Of course you have, sweetheart." "Don't be so sensitive." "Just like her mother." "You help yourself to beer, won't you, Ian?" "Don't." "I'm fine." "Cool fucking beans." "On toast." "Let's just get through this party without fucking up." "Apparently, the sexual peak for a woman is in her 30s." "That's like 60 in dog years." "Mickey, what you doing?" "Making conversation." "What thefuckare you doing here?" "I'm looking out for you." "Watching that Maxine." "She fancies you." "Don't talk shite." "It'll get messy." "Stop trying to run my life." "Stay here, don't touch anything, don't talk to anyone." "Maxine won't mind." "Carl's here too." "You shouldn't be here." "It's a party." "Not that sort of party." "You can't stay." "I'm sure your boyfriend won't mind." "Could have asked me, though." "Have a bit of fun!" "Hey, Doc, you going to have a go at karaoke?" "Max sounds like a pig being punched when she starts belting them out." "Cut it out." "Cut what out?" "You're making Max feel bad." "I know you probably don't mean to." "I don't want to cause an argument, but you need to ease up on her." "Give her a smile or a thumbs up or something." "I Got You, Babe." "Oh, my God." "You've got to go home sometime, kiddo." "No." "Not until they stop treating me like a slave." "Unless I'm getting in the way." "Unless I'm getting in the way." "Course you're not." "Right." "Number 64, you're up." "Thank you." "Calm down." "Deep breaths." "Have fun." "After-school specials?" "You're a genius." "Shame it's out of my pocket, straight into Lillian's." "Just need a bit of creative accounting." "Just need a bit of creative accounting." "Nah." "Couldn't do that." "Hi." "I've counted it, twice." "There's your ticket, take a seat." "Cheers." "Then again... ..what she doesn't know, right?" "Jamie, it's like a thousand insects scrabbling away." "Jamie, why won't he stop?" "Jamie, why won't he stop?" "Stop!" "Sorry." "It's just..." "Oh, sorry." "It's OK." "I understand." "It's just I'm tired, babes." "It's all right." "So you really like our Max, eh?" "Yeah, she's great." "You're a shit liar." "Little gayboy." "Cut it out, Bruce." "It's OK." "He knows." "I tell my little brother everything." "Fuck's sake." "I thought you were going to punch me, then." "Yeah." "With his penis." "You're kidding." "Are you...?" "One of the gays." "Yep." "For me sins." "One of the gays." "Yep." "For me sins." "I'm one of them lot too." "You got any friends who don't park their car up Chocolate Lane?" "I don't." "I don't." "Yeah, that's a shame." "Right, you boys can all crash in here, but don't expect any Caligula-style orgies." "Smoking dope's one thing, but I don't think Pops would be pleased if he found us with us dicks hanging out." "And cheers for sticking up for my sis." "If you were shafting her, I'd definitely give you my seal of approval." "I'll get some pillows and stuff, then." "I was thinking, I could stay in your room." "I mean, give the lads a bit of space and all that." "Yeah, its just..." "Ian's my fake boyfriend, so..." "My dad, you know." "Might be weird." "Yeah, good point." "Er, your singing - it were dead good." "Like proper singing." "Aw." "Cheers." "'I'm looking out for you." "Watching that Maxine." "She fancies you.'" "Cheers for last night." "I do appreciate it." "That's my mug." "What?" "It says "Ian" on it." "Ian." "That's me." "So, respect that, thank you." "What's his problem?" "You've put the wind up him." "Sorry?" "He knows." "Knows what?" "That you fancy him." "I don't." "Whatever you thinks going to happen, it's not." "Right?" "I'm sorry, but it's not." "You need a fucking hobby, sunshine." "Too much time on your hands." "Friendly warning letter." "Official warning letter." "Red no-more-fucking-warning letters." "Easy, Karen easy." "Come on, calm down." "You think I'm doing this cos of my condition?" "Crazy fucking Karen?" "We are one bill away from being out on our arses." "Hey, it's all under control." "I'm dealing with these." "You've got nothing to worry about." "You promise me?" "Yeah." "Course." "Voila." "Tidy bit of artwork by yours fucking truly." "Oi." "What the fuck?" "You all right?" "Don't speak, all right?" "Don't say a word." "Ah,yeah." "Ah." "Oh!" "Ah!" "'Watching that Maxine." "'Cos whatever you think's going to happen, it's not." "'She fancies you." "'He knows that you fancy him.'" "I've got to run." "Right, well, see you later, yeah?" "Yeah." "Have you seen the scissors?" "Give us a kiss." "Fuck off, Mickey." "It's back on." "It's so back on." "You should have seen her all over me." "We get it, mate." "You're great, you're amazing." "Right, I'm off." "You're joking." "You can't go home." "Are you not seeing what I'm seeing?" "They're all right, I suppose." "All right?" "It's girls in school uniform." "There's no way we are not going home with them." "Nah." "I can't." "It wouldn't be right." "No, it really would be." "There's two of them and one of you, and they're all gagging for it." "So stop being a tit and get over there." "Happy birthday." "See you later, mate." "Take care." "Ladies toilets." "Two minutes." "You what?" "You heard." "Do I know you?" "No." "So what's this about, then?" "I just wanted to see what sort of person you are." "Like, are you the sort of man who walks into the ladies just because a stranger told him to?" "And?" "I was going to knock this time, honest." "Oh, come on." "It was sort of funny." "Have you been eating twat sandwiches today or something?" "Because either I've done something wrong or you've turned into a total fanny" "Mickey thinks you fancy me." "He keeps going on about it." "It's messing with my head a bit." "Sorry." "I don't think you need to worry about that." "Even if I did - be pointless." "So don't flatter yourself." "It's not just that." "It's..." "I don't know." "What are you doing?" "I don't know." "Don't do that." "Don't." "Sorry." "I know you're just trying to be nice, but I fucking hate nice and I don't need your sympathy." "It's not sympathy." "Ian, a few hours ago, you had your dick in Mickey." "So let's not pretend otherwise." "I did it because I thought it'd help." "You don't have to justify it." "That's what you do." "Who you are." "Sorry." "All right?" "Piss off." "Stop, right." "Stop." "GROANING" "Please tell me you weren't watching me sleep." "We're gonna watch a movie." "It's a bit early for porn, isn't it?" "It's not porn." "It's art." "Oh, really." "What's it called?" "Handbugger Hill." "Part Two." "That is Richie Rockwood." "Ten inches of pure hard steel." "He won the Gay Adult Video Awards," "Best Performer, three years in a row." "He's gorgeous, isn't he?" "He's all right I guess." "No, he is not 'all right'." "A cup of tea in the morning is 'all right'." "Beans on toast is 'all right'." "Richie Rockwood is fucking incredible and I want you to admit that to me, right here, right now." "You saw us." "You're too fucking right I did." "Ruined me dinner." "I know this must be confusing for you it's confusing for me too." "Really fucking confusing." "Hey, don't worry." "We're going to sort you out." "We'll de-straighten you." "Everything will be fine." "Ian, just watch the movie!" "I don't want to watch the fucking movie!" "Fine." "We'll go to bed then.No!" "You didn't have a problem yesterday." "Before she fucked with your head." "She didn't fuck with my head..." "So I'm just a piece of meat to you am I?" "A booty call." "I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have dragged you into this." "I shouldn't have slept with you." "Yes, you should Ian!" "Because I'm a fucking man!" "And that is fucking natural!" "I'm not handling knock offs." "They're not knock off." "They're 100% legit." "Where did you get them from then?" "I won them." "In a raffle." "Youth club." "The youth club was raffling off ladyshaves?" "Fifty quid." "Done!" "Liam." "Breakfast." "Carl?" "Stella?" "Anyone?" "Hello?" "All right." "On you go." "Don't forget your souvenir snaps." "Only two quid." "Look, come home son this is no place for a young lad." "Aw, fuckin'ell." "You only want me home because you can't look after yourself." "Well, yeah." "Obviously." "But, your part of me, you're me flesh and blood." "I'm like one of those amputees who just lost a limb and still thinks that it's there." "Twenty quid." "It's not about the cash, Liam - it's about family." "Twenty." "Quid." "I could get a maid for that." "A butler." "Me own personal Jeeves." "Then get one." "Just... you what, you what?" "Eh, eh?" "Fucking tried, didn't I?" "Me own fucking flesh and blood." "I think you must have wandered into the wrong house." "Cause everybody knows Paddy Maguire wouldn't pay for it." "I just thought as two fellow entrepreneurs, we could have a little chat a business opportunity." "We're doing fine as we are." "You haven't even heard my proposal." "That's right." "I haven't." "Goodbye, Paddy." "Try and control your woman, son." "Before someone else has to." "Whatever your game is, I'm not interested." "Jamie...it is Jamie, right?" "Sit down." "Now there's a woman in Manchester on a conference." "Three months ago she discovered that her husband had been having an affair for over two years." "She's vulnerable, a little insecure but, most importantly, she needs cheering up and someone like you could really put the smile back on her face." "You've gotta be kidding, yeah?" "I put two hundred in your pocket." "Missing fifty here." "I had bills to pay." "Times are hard." "I get it." "That's why I'm offering you work." "I said I had bills." "I didn't say I wanting to become a fucking man whore." "You still took fifty quid off me to pay some bills." "But it won't be enough, will it?" "Because there's always another brown envelope waiting to land on the doormat." "One hour's work." "And you get this." "No." "I'm not interested." "You are going to walk away from this?" "I've got a wife and a kid." "So yeah." "I am." "Think about it." "Hey I can guarantee you at least two hundred quid a session, right?" "Well, that's three sessions a week, that's nearly two and a half grand a month right." "Tax free." "Yes." "You have a wife." "And a kid." "But that kind of money's got to make life a lot easier for everyone." "If you want to know more..." "get in the car." "It's through the back gents, game kicks off in five minutes." "It's a hundred quid minimum, and time wasters, you know where the exit is." "No." "What?" "I can't do it, Joe." "One thing I've learned is life has got to be simple." "It is." "You, me, and the baby." "We get in the car and we go." "Right now." "Heard you got tagged." "That was a misunderstanding at the casino." "It's a ten minute detour to a mate." "It's a blow-torch and wire cutters moment." "It's not a reason to stay." "Jamie can't look after ya." "He can't provide for you." "Not like I can." "He does his best." "And it's never going to be good enough!" "I just came here to say no." "That was it." "Really fuckin' smooth, Joe." "KNOCK ON DOOR" "Carl." "Hey." "Sshhh." "Come." "Come on, sit down." "Close your eyes." "Come on, close them." "OK." "What's this?" "Open it and see." "Jesus." "It's real." "Carl..." "You haven't thought this through." "I have." "Really." "Look we've been stupid and we've made mistakes... but I'm certain about this, Max." "I really am." "You and me." "Whoa!" "You've got terrible timing you." "I'm running late for work." "Five minutes." "I'm already on a warning." "They're gonna kill me - last chance, they said." "Go on then." "You better run." "I'll come see you after." "Yeah." "Guess what?" "Guess what?" "What?" "I'm getting married." "DOOR OPENS" "Come in" "Not going to give you much of a night out." "What do you want?" "Assistance." "And what makes you think I'll say yes?" "Because you want to be in full possession of your knee caps." "And I'll be forever in your debt." "Who knows, maybe it will mend a few bridges between me and your ma." "Is this something like being made an offer you can't refuse?" "No." "It's exactly like being made an offer you can't refuse." "Over a thousand quid in two days." "God, if Lillian wasn't coming back tomorrow..." "God, if Lillian wasn't coming back tomorrow..." "I know." "I mean, the best thing is, we did this." "Thought they'd all buggered off home." "What the fuck are you doing?" "Out!" "Everyone out!" "I'm sorry." "Fuck being sorry." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "It's only coke." "And since when have you been a fucking coke dealer, Chesney?" "You're working for him." "OK." "You can piss off now." "Uh-uh." "We're keeping the coke." "And the money." "He'll fucking kill me." "I'll handle him." "I didn't have a choice." "So she said yeah then?" "She's going to." "I can tell." "See I know Maxine." "No, you don't." "What do you mean?" "You don't know Maxine at all." "You don't know anything." "Ian's sleeping with her." "What?" "Shut up." "I caught 'em." "I'm sure you did." "Ian and Maxine." "I came home and they were fucking." "They didn't see me." "Look, Ian's gay." "And you're insane." "Think about it." "All that time they spend together." "Laughing and joking." "Best mates." "More than best mates." "You've seen it too." "Micky... you're starting to piss me off now." "Ask him then." "Ask him about it." "Why would I lie to you, for fuck's sake?" "I'm trying to stop you making a fool of yourself!" "I'm trying to stop you making a fool of yourself!" "Fuck off!" "In his bed." "I saw them." "Fucking each other." "Look, I'm telling you this to help you." "Why are you trying to mess with me like this?" "Tell me it's a lie!" "Tell me!" "I can't!" "It's not!" "Ian and Maxine?" "My Maxine?" "No..." "That's not fucking..." "that's not fucking possible." "She wouldn't." "She wants to be with me." "She got up and walked out on you, the moment you pulled out that ring." "Has she called you about it?" "Texted you?" "Anything?" "No." "Because she's fucking your brother." "Fuck you!" "That's not true!" "It's not fucking true!" "Why the fuck did you tell Carl?" "!" "Because he loves her." "No, no, he doesn't!" "He just thinks he does!" "He proposed to her!" "What?" "And he was gonna ask you to be the best man." "You!" "Oh, no, this can't be happening!" "Just explain to him that it was all an accident." "How can I explain it to him when I don't even understand it myself?" "Well, the damage is done." "So you better put a stop to the whole thing." "Its for the best." "No." "But you can't like her." "She doesn't... she doesn't even have a cock." "Maybe I just like people." "People with cocks." "Well, maybe I am confused and maybe me and Maxine are just mates... or maybe it's more than that." "How can it be?" "!" "How can it be?" "!" "I don't know!" "I don't have all the fucking answers!" "I just know... that when I'm with her, I'm not thinking man or woman... it's just..." "Maxine." "Maybe sexuality isn't one thing or another maybe it's something that's just shifting and moving." "that's just shifting and moving." "Fuck you!" "What?" "!" "What?" "Fuck...you!" "I looked up to you." "I thought you meant something." "Because until I met you..." "I was a freak." "I was disgusted with myself." "But you showed me that I didn't have to be." "You're a fucking traitor." "It wasn't..." "It wasn't personal." "I didn't mean to." "But you did." "And I loved you." "And not in a "want to shag you all over the place" way." "But just love!" "Just proper fucking love!" "for what you are." "A cunt." "I understand you have something that belongs to me." "I understand you have something that belongs to me." "We're having dinner here." "Chips?" "I've only had four of my five a day." "Have a bloody banana then." "You had no right dealing at Lillian's." "And to school kids." "Free market." "Supply and demand." "Exactly the same as you were doing." "No." "I just wanted them to have fun." "Harmless fun, show them a good time." "No, you wanted to make some easy cash." "At least I wasn't lying to myself." "At least I wasn't lying to myself." "You don't have any bloody bananas." "Then have some milk or something!" "Milk?" "Jesus!" "Don't you dare act like you're better than me." "You're the one who paid to fuck your own son's girlfriend." "And you're the one who took the money." "Now, I would like my property back, thank you." "True what they say, dear." "If you look in the abyss long enough it'll stare right back at you." "Don't ask." "I'm having a bit of tough time of it at the moment." "I haven't got any money." "I don't want any money." "I wouldn't ask you anyway." "Oh." "I just..." "I dunno." "Do you ever think you're one thing, and then you breathe in, and maybe you're not?" "I went to Southend-On-Sea once." "The sixth circle of Hell." "And I stood on the beach, resisting the urge to do a Reggie Perrin, and there's this old fella, just eating custard creams." "Just shoving them down his throat." "And he looked miserable." "Even though he'd probably bought 'em all for himself." "He looked so fucking miserable." "Not sure I follow." "Me neither." "S'all fucking bits and pieces, this life of ours." "Could be worse." "Could be a poof." "So." "Maxine then." "You fucking...!" "You fucking knew!" "Hey!" "I'll fucking kill him!" "Stop it!" "He's your brother!" "He's fucking dead to me!" "Get him out!" "Fucking hell." "Fucking hell, you all right son?" "Ian, I'm..." "Don't say sorry." "Don't say sorry." "But I am." "I'm sorry." "I'm not." "'That's the thing about this world of ours." "'Even if we are twats, 'it just keeps on rolling." "'Wife walks out on ya." "'Father passes away." "'Cat gets run over by the number 10 bus." "'Doesn't matter." "'World's not going to stop, not even going to pause for breath.'" "MOBILE RINGS" "I've got to pop out for a while." "Sure." "'Nobody cares about your problems." "'But sometimes you find someone... 'someone who seems to understand... 'someone who gets you." "'And for a little while, it's better." "'We can lie there in the dark and promise never to leave each other." "'We have someone to hold onto." "'For a little while anyway.'" "I've met someone." "We're gonna live together." "Her name's Doreen." "Oh, my God!" "What happened to the kitchen?" "Bailiffs." "Neverlet the bailiffs in!" "Can you lend me some more money?" "This is it for the Maguires." "150 grand!" "And you're going to rob it." "How much do you owe?" "How much do you owe?" "Fifteen hundred." "Get down, son!" "Why should I?" "What have I got to live for?" "Noooooo!" "Hello, officers, what seems to be the problem?" "I know you." "None of this was done to make you jealous." "It's your mid-life crisis, not mine." "I want us to go to Cuba." "Ah, bastard!" "I'm not gonna ask."