"Hi-dee-hi." " Hey." " Hey." "Hop in." "New guy gets the back, though." " What do you got there?" " A video camera." "I bought it at a yard sale down the block." "I'm gonna start making movies of Hope, so she can watch them someday." "I wish I had a video camera when I was younger." "Those Jackass guys make so much money." "But I did all that stuff first." "I drove a lawn mower into a pool." "I had a Matchbox car inside me." "Not on purpose, but you wouldn't know it watching the video." "You know, you're not gonna use that video camera as much as you think." "Keep your hands in the back, Maw Maw." "It's a back massage, not a mammogram." "You think it's gonna be sentimental, but the truth is it's not, and everybody looks fat." "Your Great-Paw Paw Wilfred used to get in our faces with his stupid home movie camera all the time, and we never watched any of it, and then he died." "I'm not enjoying that." "What..." "What the hell..." "Where are..." "Who..." "Who are you people?" "Why are we touching each other?" "Maw Maw, we're your family, and we're doing a back-rub train in your living room." "It was your idea." "I want to be in the front." " No!" "No way!" " I want to be in the front." "Maw Maw, we already decided on positions." "I did rock, Virginia did scissors, and you did something that looked like a turtle, which caused a very long discussion, during which you spit on me twice." "But then we agreed, by a vote of two to one, that rock beats turtle." "Burt, let her get in the front." "No, she always gets what she wants just 'cause she's crazy." "Then everybody get out of my house." "You're only gonna remember it's your house for two minutes, and I can wait." "Get out of my house!" "Get out of my house!" "Get out of my house!" "Do you want to get your camera out for some of this, Scorcheesy?" "Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh" "Oh, come on, Hope." "Shake the rattle for Daddy." "Don't be shy." "Oh!" "Here comes Grandma to read you your favorite book." "No, no." "Do not point that thing at me." "My hair's a wreck, my shirt is a mess..." "You caught me on bleaching day." "Give me that camera!" "That's the real you, and it's a memory I want her to have!" "Well, I do not want to be filmed like this, so give me that camera!" "She's doing it!" "She's doing it!" "Come on." "Put the spaghetti on your head like you did last week." "You'd look like Bob Marley." "Only you'll be a Pastafarian." "It'll be hilarious." "Come on." "Hey, Jimmy." "Can you put that down for a second?" "Not now." "I think I might finally get something good here." "It's kind of serious." "I was at the grocery story today and I saw Sabrina." "She was looking really happy." "And there's no easy way to say it." "She got engaged to Wyatt." "Oh, man..." "I just..." "I thought there'd be more time." "I don't believe this." "It feels like I've been punched in the gut." "I know, it's rough." "She asked me to give you this." "Oh, gotcha!" "Punk'd and Jackassed." "Two for one, baby!" "Two for one!" "Oh, wait till people see this." "Whoa." "I think she just gave me the finger." "I know she doesn't know what it means, but how cool." "She just flipped me the baby bird." "Where's my camera?" "This is gonna be good!" "All right, Jimmy, you have my permission to tape me as soon as I get in the kitchen and pretend to bake." "Okay." "I just want to get a shot of Hope." "Oh!" "You got your camera out, Wilfred." "Let me do my song." "No, no, no, Maw Maw, can you wait a second?" "I just..." "I'm in the middle of..." "Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?" "Maw Maw, please?" "You're distracting Hope." "Won't you come home?" "Jimmy, swing the camera around here." "And get me in a full shot." "I got these shoes at a very wealthy family's garage sale." "Whoo!" "Oh, my God!" "Did you get it on tape?" "I buttered the floor." "Ow, Burt, you really hurt me, you idiot!" "Sorry, baby." "Did you get it on tape?" " Mom, are you okay?" " Help me up." "I got it." "I got it." "I got it!" "I got it!" "You were right." "It totally worked." "Bill Bailey, won't you please come home?" "Well, I've had the video camera for a week now, and all I have to show for it is five hours of Maw Maw singing and a bunch of your grandpa's stunts." "I call this one, "Burt Touches Hot Things."" "Anyway, I think I finally figured out how to get some good stuff." "Since everybody acts so crazy when they know they're being recorded, the only way to capture some real memories with you and your grandparents, is to hide the camera." "When Jimmy comes marching home again" "We're done, we're done" "We love you to death but it's time for us to have fun" "Hey." "Have you seen the black light that we use to check for counterfeit bills?" "Somehow, Frank accepted a $70 bill with Ryan Seacrest's face on it." "Yeah, I think it's in Barney's top drawer." "What are you watching?" "I hid a camera in my house, and I got all this great stuff." "We love you to death but it's time for us to have fun, have fun" "We'll drink some beers and we'll order out" "Go to the bedroom and make you shout" "But we can't do that till Jimmy comes marching home" "That is so cute." "I know, right?" "I should have hidden this camera, like, a week ago." "I would have gotten all this great stuff and my parents wouldn't have electrocuted me so many times." "Oh, my God." "That's disgusting." " What's disgusting?" " Rewind the tape." "Wait." "Right there." "Oops!" "There we go." "That." " Oh, my God." " What?" "Your mother dropped Hope's pacifier on the ground and then picked it up and put it back in her mouth." "So?" "Five-second rule." "No germs." "You do know the five-second rule isn't real?" "You don't know the five-second rule isn't real." "In one second, that pacifier could have picked up cold germs, flu germs," "SARS, flesh-eating bacteria." "I'm starting to think you got a little bit of a germ thing." "No, I don't." "Fine." "I may have a little thing about germs." "Am I proud of it?" "No." "But do I ignore the fact that germs run the world and that we're at their mercy?" "No, I do not." "I'm really learning a lot about you." "Jimmy, think about it." "Whatever we walk through, we bring into our homes." "I never thought about that." "My dad works in yards full of fertilizer and dog poop." "Stop it!" "That was on the pacifier." "And my mom, she cleans dirty houses all day." "She scrubs their toilets." "Stop it!" "So you're spying on us?" "I don't know what to say." "I mean, thou shalt not spy." "That's like one of the Declarations of the Independence." "Burt, next time, just stop at "I don't know what to say."" "You don't need to prove it to everyone." "Look, I wasn't spying." "I was trying to capture memories." "This?" "This is a big problem, guys." "I mean, we are talking about germs." "Germs!" "And now that Hope's here, we have to just clean up our act." "Oh, God!" "You are not gonna turn us into one of those germ-freak families that thinks their babies have to live inside a bubble." "Covering everything with that gross antibacterial goop, and washing your hands after going number one?" "Never swapping gum?" "It's crazy." "It is!" "Babies are the ones who sit in their poop all day and put anything they can touch into their mouths." "They're the disgusting ones." "All right." " What's that?" " It's a black light." "We use it at work to check for counterfeit bills, but Sabrina says we can also use it to find germs." "Germs." "So it's a little dirty." "Big deal." "Jimmy, if you think I'm gonna clean houses all day" " and then come home and..." " Germs." "Look, you're overreacting." "Whoa!" " What the hell is that?" " Germs." "Burt, what have you been doing with your fingers?" "I don't know." "I mean, other than picking my nose a little bit on the way home from work." " With all of your fingers?" " I like to mix it up." "Different ones get to different places." "It's a habit." "I'm not proud of it." "Well, that is just gross." "And I sincerely hope that the next time you..." " What the hell is that?" " Germs." "Germs you bring home from cleaning toilets." "That is disgusting." "Turn that off." "Turn that thing off." "Oh, this is even worse." "They're still here, but we can't see them." "They're hiding." "They're hiding in plain sight." "I never thought I'd say this on my day off." "Get me a bucket and a mop." "Everybody is waiting for everybody to get out" "And all the pretty people party while the petty people pout" "Whoa, picking'it up but then I put it back down" "Pickin'it up but then I put it back down" "Pickin'it up but then I put it back down" "Pickin'it up but then I put it back down" "Pickin'it up but then I put it back down" "Pickin'it up but then I put it back down" "Oh, what's going on?" "Now that you got me all worked up," "I'm not gonna trust your rinky-dink grocery store black light to see if we got rid of all the germs in here." "I borrowed this from my friend who cleans crime scenes." "Heidi?" "How the hell is Heidi?" "She's good." "Apparently, the murder business is recession-proof." "She just bought a PT Cruiser." " Used?" " Nope." "Certified pre-owned." "Yeah?" "Good for Heidi." "All right, hit the lights." "Let's see how we did." "Wow." "We did it." " It's clean." "I don't believe it." "We actually got this place germ-free." "I got to admit, it feels pretty good." "Keep it down!" "I'm gonna take a nap." "My room smells of farts." "Burt, get her off the couch!" "Oh, come on." "Your room can't be that bad." " Come on." " Oh, good Lord, she's infecting everything." "Dad, your hands." "Ew!" "Don't wipe Maw Maw on me." "Guys, we've got to get her out of here before she gets germs everywhere." "Okay." "Come on, Maw Maw." "Why don't we go for a walk?" "You can point out all the things God messed up, you know, like you like to do." "What was he thinking of, making up all those different kinds of trees?" "I would've stopped at pine." "Is it bad?" "It's not good!" "She just touched a spoon." "No, wait." "She's putting it back in the drawer." "Oh, great." "All the silverware's gonna be all germed up now." "You can put that on the list." "It's no use even trying." "She's getting herself on everything." "What are we gonna do now?" "You know, Hope's gonna wake up in the morning and one of us is gonna have to go in there and get her." "We could rock-paper-scissors for it." "But I need to know up front if turtles are allowed, and if so, where they fall on the food chain." "It doesn't matter who goes in there." "This problem is not gonna go away." "We can't clean fast enough to keep up with her, and she's not gonna be changing her habits." "Okay." "I know this sounds awful to say, but under the circumstances, and, I mean, I know none of us would ever dream of it if it wasn't the only option, but maybe it's time to consider if she might not be better off, you know," "in a home." "Are you crazy?" "Jimmy, the woman tried to bite off one of your father's toes while he was sleeping." "You think we haven't tried to put her in a home?" " Seriously?" " Of course." "What, you think I want to sleep in boots the rest of my life?" "So what happened?" "Well, it turns out, they don't admit people who are already senile." "We took her on a day where she was particularly lucid, but still didn't go well." "Well, Barbara June, I see you like to knit." "I love to knit." "It's true." " She knitted me these socks." " I did." "Yeah, she does so much for us." "It's such a shame we'll have to lose her to you." "And I see you were in the USO." "Yes, I'm still in the USO." "Really?" "Oh." "You still think you're in the USO?" "Once a member, always a member." "That man was on fire." "Well, we have to do something." "I'm not gonna raise my daughter in a house filled with germs." "Maybe we should scrub Maw Maw down with something stronger." "What does your friend use to clean up a murder scene?" "Well, it's still gonna wear off." "What, are we gonna soak her in it like combs at a barbershop?" "She wouldn't have to soak in it." "We could just build a mister with an electric eye, so she triggers it every time she walks through." "We can't be the first people who've had to deal with this." "I bet we could find one on your Internet." "Well, what if we just lock her in her room?" "I mean, to us, it's just one room, but to her, every day it's a brand-new place." "We can't lock her indoors for the rest of her life." "That's cruel." "She loves nature." "It's the only thing as old as she is." "She does love nature." "I think I got it." "And that's when we packed up all of Maw Maw's stuff and moved her to the greenhouse." "So this is what zoos will be like when the apes take over." "Cool." "Ah, it's been great having her out here." "Now we can finally see what she's been doing alone in her room all the time." "Whoa!" "That was not expected." "She used to be a cheerleader for the Baltimore Colts." "Ah!" "Damn it!" "Burt!" "What is wrong with you?" "Hey, what the hell happened?" "We were trying to move Maw Maw's trunk out to the greenhouse, and soon as I picked up my end, your idiot father decides to throw a spider on my face." "It wasn't a spider." "It was a daddy long-legs." "And it was already dead." "Her hands were full, the bug was right there." "Anyone in their right mind would've done the same thing." "Wouldn't it be easier to move if you emptied it out first?" "We're kind of afraid to find out what's in there." "They never found the Limburger baby, you know." "Okay, hold your breath." "I'll open it." "What is it?" "It's all those stupid movies Paw Paw made." "Check it out, baby." "Your eighth birthday." "There she is, Jimmy, your mom, seven years B.B." "Before Burt." "Hey, there's Maw Maw." "Hey, Maw Maw, you look great." "Yeah, you look like the horny neighbor from Mary Tyler Moore." "Hey, hey, is that that Beverly Johnson girl?" "Used to play baseball with her brother, Wally." "He had a two-inch belly button." "We used to call him Wiener Belly Button." "No, that's not Beverly." "That's Janice Bolton." "She was always talking about how she was gonna be way richer than me." "Turns out, she was right about me not having any money." "On the other hand, she's dead now, so who won that one?" "Mmm!" "That's Paula Prozel." "A few years ago, I saw her fall out of a moving car in the grocery store parking lot." "She looked good though." "Whoo!" "Who is the stud in the suit?" "That's my Paw Paw." "He worked seven days a week and never missed a birthday." "I know you're all looking at me." "Fine, you're all right." "Happy?" "You can tape Hope all you want, just not on bleaching day." "Wait a second." "Maw Maw just licked that knife and then kept serving cake with it." "Gross." "Well, there's your proof." "Our family's been disgusting for generations." "No, that's not my point." "How old is Maw Maw now?" "Eighty-four." " And how old was Paw Paw when he died?" " Ninety." "And he'd still be here today if he just would've worn his bike helmet." "And they hardly ever got sick." "I haven't been sick since I was pregnant with you, and those were mostly hangovers." "I think the germs in this house aren't hurting anybody." "Yeah, you're right, they don't." "Sabrina, you said your family's a whole bunch of clean freaks." "How old's your great-grandmother?" "Oh, she died in her 60s." " Accident?" " Respiratory problems." "That's it." "Burt, go get Maw Maw." " She's moving back in the house." "Good." "I'd like to get her back behind solid walls." "People in glass houses should not throw stones or sleep naked." "Come on out, Pig-Pen." "We missed you." "Look at that." "You girls loved your hula hoops." " Oh, God." " Oh, don't be prissy." "It's just a little spit." "That woman there is the darn fountain of youth." "Oh, I remember our neighbor," "Eulah Cummings, used to hate hula hoops." "She thought it was gonna teach you girls how to be whores." "Mom, I think watching this stuff's making her mind come back." "Yeah, she does seem sharp as a tack." "Oh, ice cream!" "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "English" " US" " SDH"