"Wow!" "The most historic event ever to take place in Malibu Adjacent, and here we are in charge of security." "Why are we guarding all these foreign refugees with the funny accents?" "Oh, they´re not refugees." "They´re diplomats from China and Africa trying to settle an ancient feud." "Oh!" "That´s why these are called the Chi-Negro Accords." "Wow!" "Look at all the dignitaries." "There´s ex-President Clinton!" "Ohh!" "Hi, Bill!" "It´s me..." "B.J. the intern!" "And there´s the mayor hobnobbing." "Welcome to Malibu Adjacent, Premier Ho." "This my wife Yu." "Hello, Yu Ho." "So, Notch, why are we in charge of security?" "I mean, they already have the FBI, the CIA, the army, the navy, and every L.A. cop who hasn´t been indicted yet." "Because they don´t know this beach like I do." "There isn´t a grain of sand here" "I haven´t at least once picked out of my heinie hole." "Plus, we´ve got Steve the dog." "Steve can detect explosives." "Steve?" "Steve won´t even sit when you tell him to." "Nuh-uh, Kimberlee!" "If Steve barks wildly, it means either he´s smelled a bomb or about to drop one of his own." "And if it´s a real bomb," "Steve will start with the humping." "[Barking]" "What is it, my little Hund?" "Is it a bomb?" "!" "Go get the bomb, Steve!" "Go get the bomb!" "Bomb, bomb, bomb!" "Aah!" "Everybody run!" "Bomb!" "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb!" "Run for your lives!" "But try to stay calm!" "Bomb, bomb!" "No, Steve!" "I said B-O-M-B," " not B-O-N-G." " [Ruff]" "Don´t argue with me, Steve." "Johnson, you beaver-toothed bozo." "This belongs to Yu Ho." "She has a cataract!" "Don´t make fun of the way she pronounces Cadillac!" "No, you idiot, she is legally blind!" "She needs this righteous MaryJane for medicinal purposes." "Now, don´t come within a mile of this beach until the summit is over." "You are relieved of all duties!" "That really stinks!" " [Steve Barking]" " No, Steve!" "Announcer:" "Tonight´s episode..." "Announcer:" "Son of the Beach is a member of FDIC." "[Speaking Native Language With Clicking]" "Welcome, King Vidor." "And may I say..." "[Clicking Tongue]" "Mayor, I also speak English." "Oh, terrific!" "It´s so nice of you to travel all the way from Begonia." "Thanks." "This is my son the prince." "Prince, I hope you see all the sights while your dad´s at the summit." "You see, Father?" "Even she says I should see everything while I´m here in America." "Quiet!" "Speak in click!" "Chip:" "Give me all your 8s." "Go fish!" "Read ´em and weep!" "Old maid!" "Ohh." "Can you believe we´re going to be out of work for 3 days?" "I´ve never gotten laid off." "It really does hurt the first time." "I know how you feel, B.J." "I need something to drown the pain." "Where´s Jamaica with those smoothies?" "Man:" "What´s the matter,Johnson?" "Don´t you want a real drink?" "Sir!" "I don´t drink, sir!" "Captain?" "Is that you?" "!" "At ease, Corporal." "[Both Laughing]" "Ah!" "I thought you died in Southeast Asia?" "Gang, say "ten hut" to the best captain ever..." "Buck Entenille!" "Oh, it´s nice to meet you," "Captain Entenille." "Notch talks about you a lot, especially during his Vietnam flashbacks." "Uh-huh." "We use flashback cards in my adult literacy class." "I´ll bet." "So, Vietnam was tough, huh, guys?" "Tough?" "Wow." "Remember that pickle we had on Hamburger Hill?" "Hamburger." "You were my helper." "[Buck And Notch Laugh]" "Perfect hair, green eyes, the most amazing body to grace the planet." "Who are you rappin´ to, homeboy?" "Oh, I am-- I am not home." "I am" " I am far away." "Yeah, well, go on with your bad self." "Oh, I am not bad!" "I am--I am good." "I am a prince, formerly known as an artist." "Well, where you from, boo?" "From Africa." "The Africa?" "Ohh!" "Shoot, dawg!" "I´m African-American." "How about crazy old Colonel Kurtz?" "Oh, the white makeup?" "He was worth a trip up the river!" "So, what brings you to Malibu Adjacent?" "Oh, insurance business." "Had a meeting." "Where you from?" "Oh, a small town in Pennsylvania." "Oh, I´m from Pennsylvania!" "What town?" "Uh, Doylestown." "I´m from Doylestown!" "What part?" "Near the school." "Hey, Notch, uh, listen." "There are no hotel rooms available." "Could I possibly, uh" "Don´t even say it." "Tonight, you sleep on The SaltyJohnson." "Captain, my mom needs life insurance." "Should she get term or whole?" "Why not both?" "I´ll get my bags." "Notch, how well do you know this guy?" "Are you kidding me?" "If it wasn´t for Buck Entenille, we would´ve lost that war in Vietnam." "And if you really want to feel bad, lose a war." "I just wonder about someone who says they´re from Doylestown and then doesn´t want to talk about it." "And he didn´t help me with my term or my whole." "Guys, trust me." "One thing about Buck Entenille, he´s a straight shooter." "Diplomats, distinguished guests, and ex-President Clinton, welcome." "Having the signing of the Chi-Negro Accords here in Malibu Adjacent is the fulfillment of a dream for me." "As smaller African nations like Begonia develop nuclear weapons, the need for peace is even more crucial." "So today, for this wonderful luncheon, we´ve combined the cuisines of China and Africa." "Now let´s all enjoy some Kung Pao chicken and waffles." "Dig in!" "Hey, here he comes." "Now, gals, listen." "If Buck hits on you, don´t get offended." "He´s a real ladies´ man." "Hey,Johnson?" "When am I going to get a tour of this seaside shanty?" "No can do." "The summit´s in town." "There´s a summit in town?" "Well, you didn´t know?" "China and Africa are here for their treaty." "My favorite treaty´s frozen yogurt." "And you´re here, Notch?" "Come on, why the hell aren´t they taking advantage of the best security chief in the business?" "Well, the mayor and Notch don´t exactly see eye to-- uh...head." "Come on, Buck." "Let´s go down below and stow your gear." "Say, Chip?" "It´s, uh, great to meet you." "Nice to meet you, too, Captain." "And, uh, you, uh, work out a lot, don´t you?" "Yeah." "I love to pump." "Oh." "But you´re not-- you´re not gay or anything?" "Huh?" "No." "Good." "Neither am I." "There´s something I don´t like about this "captain."" "Yeah." "Notch said he was a big ladies´ man, but he hasn´t hit on me once." "Well, he hit on me." "I think he´s a-- What´s the word in German?" "A hosengrabber, a fudgenpacker." "I say we do some digging on this Captain Buck Entenille." "So then, what do I say to this fly hottie?" "Oh, you throw some game down!" "Kinda like..." ""Yo, baby!" "You got more junk in the trunk than a lowered Chevy!"" "Then I say to you," ""Yo, baby!" "You got more junk in the trunk than a lowered Chevy."" "And I mean that from the bottom of my heart." "[Giggles Softly]" "Teach me something in your language." "Very well." "You might say to me..." "[Clicking]" "Go ahead, you try it." "Ahem!" "[Clicking]" "Use your tongue more." "Like this..." "[Clicking]" "[Clicking]" "Yo, Prince." "I think you and I are really starting to click." "Lucky for us, I´m an expert in computers." "But normally I use Macintosh." "Do you know I BM?" "Really?" "Me, too!" "Especially after oatmeal." "OK, B.J., let´s try doing a search on Buck Entenille in the insurance industry." "Nope." "Nothing." "B.J., you might want to flip" " the power switch on." " Power switch?" "OK, uh, B.J., do you mind if I give it a shot?" "Go ahead." "It´s harder than it looks." "Nothing!" "I mean, I have tried everything from the Doylestown phone book to Who´s Who in Broadway Theater." "What about the military?" "Well, Notch does have access to the government´s top-secret computer system, but we can´t get in without his password." "Try " Notch."" "OK, do you really think" "Notch would use his own name to get into the world´s most secure computer?" "Mm-hmm." "OK!" "N-O-T-C-H." "[Alarm Going Off]" " Oh!" "Oh, my God, we´re in!" " Ooh!" "Chip:" "It´s the National Defense System!" "Oh, hey, it´s a government bulletin." "Buck Entenille is a deranged Vietnam vet who now works as a paid assassin for terrorist organizations." "He´s been spotted at gun shows, military surplus stores... and various men´s rooms on the New Jersey Turnpike." "My God, do you know what this means?" "He eats a lot of oatmeal?" "No, B.J., it means that Captain Entenille´s probably out to get someone at the summit." "You see, anyone with half a brain could disguise himself as, say, you know, a waiter, and avoid the metal detectors by stowing a weapon, let´s say a" "Notch?" "One minute, Kimberlee." "Let´s say a rifle, right?" "Inside a covered food tray." "No one would ever suspect" "Notch, uh, could-- could we speak to you up--up top?" "It´s a personal problem." "Has nothing to do with computers or Vietnam" "Ouch!" "Uh, yeah, sure." "Uh, you mind, Captain?" "No problemo." "I have to go drain the dragon, anyway." "What is it?" "Chief, it´s about this captain guy." "We don´t think he is who he says he´s supposed to be who he isn´t." "Notch, he is a paid assassin." "That´s very perceptive of you, Kimberlee." "[Gasps]" "Could have used you in Da Nang." "Esteemed guests, I give you So Ho." "So?" "[Applause]" "Here we are, China and Africa, sitting side by side." "That remind me of a joke." "One Chinese guy and a black dude sitting at a bar." "The Chinese guy say," "" My favorite violinist is Yo-Yo Ma."" "And the black dude say," ""Yo mama!"" "[Audience Laughing And Booing]" "[Both Speaking Native Languages]" "Hey, you two, this ain´t Jerry Springer!" "Sit...down!" "Sit...down!" "[All Struggling]" "Buck, you never acted crazy like this back in ´Nam, not even the night you were bowling with real human skulls." "They paid me to kill in ´Nam." "And now they´re telling me again." "Can you hear them?" "" Kill King Vidor!" "Kill King Vidor!"" "Who´s paying you to kill King Vidor?" "If I told you that, I´d have to kill you." "Oh, I am killing you." "Oh, my God, Notch!" "He´s got an alarm clock!" "Oh, that´s no alarm clock." "It´s a bomb!" "Don´t go to pieces on me, Johnson." "[Laughing Hysterically]" " Mmm." " Mmm." "[Clicking]" "Prince, calm down!" "I can´t understand a word you click." "My ebony goddess, I have a gift for you." "Ooh!" "Damn!" "Is that a ruby?" "From my homeland of Begonia." "It is the famed Ruby of Begonia." "Marry me,Jamaica." "" Marry me,Jamaica"?" "I´ve always wanted to hear those words." "But wait." "Is Begonia one of those countries where a guy gets to have a lot of wives?" "Oh, no." "That place is called Utah." "Whew!" "I was afraid it was one of those places with 7 brides for one brother." "Really?" "What would that be like?" "Uh, Prince?" "Ooh, I´d like to get my hands on that one-eyed snake!" "That captain is a son of a bitch!" "Hey, you watch the locker room language, young man!" "Wait a second." "I know a son of a bitch who might be able to help us." "Come here, Steve!" "[Whistles]" "[Barking]" "Steve, go!" "Get the bomb!" "Aah!" "No, Steve!" "Not "the blonde,"" "the bomb!" "Kimberlee:" "Oh!" "He actually did what he was told." "Ha ha ha!" "Ugh!" "Look at me!" "I´m a weakling." "Yeah, well, lucky for us I´ve been doing the new Rosie O´Donnell Total Workout." "Nnargh!" "All:" "Ahh!" "Now let´s go stop an "assasinination"!" "And in conclusion, we will sign this treaty." "But the problem with signing a treaty with China is that a half hour later, you want to sign it all over again." "[Audience Laughing]" "Thank you, King Vidor." "And now, before the signing," "I´d like to pat myself on the back." "Where the click have you been?" "!" "Oh, Father," "I have seen wonderful sights, and the most wonderful sight of all is this beautiful woman..." "Jamaica St. Croix." "You have shown her the family jewels?" "Yes, Father." "She is to be my princess." "Isn´t she a fly-ass hottie?" "You speak nonsense!" "This woman is beneath you." "When I get home, what will I tell your mother Queen Latifah?" "I forbid this marriage!" "[Sobbing]" "Notch:" "Come on, guys!" "We´re almost there!" "Guys, guys, guys!" "Notch Johnson, S.P.F. 30!" "Officer:" "Sorry, Notch." "It´s an emergency!" "Someone may die." "Jamaica,Jamaica!" "There´s a maniac inside who´s going to assassinate King Vidor." "Say what?" "!" " You gotta stop him." " Don´t worry." "I´m on it!" "[Crowd Cheering]" "Mayor:" "I ask you now to sign this historic document." "I hereby hand this quill to King Vidor of Begonia." " Look out!" " What the" "[Panicked Screams]" "Jamaica!" "Jamaica" "Jamaica, are you OK?" "Yeah, it´s just a flesh wound." "Get this woman some Bactine!" "Stat!" "Jamaica, can you forgive an old fool for being so blind?" "Yu Ho:" "Aah!" "I was wrong about you." "You truly are a princess." "I would be honored to have you as my son´s wife." "What do you say to that, my love?" "Get me...a freaking..." "ambulance!" "My arm hurts like a mo-fo!" "Argh!" "Gang, you take care ofJamaica." "I have to have a word with the captain." "Ooh, Notch!" "Ow!" "Buck..." "Attempted murder is a crime in California." "You´ll do months for this." "Prison." "Ha!" "Lots of men lifting weights, showering together..." "You´re not gay, are you, Notch?" "No." "Good." "Neither am I." "Good-bye, Captain." "Jamaica:" "Prince, I´ve been doing some thinking, and..." "I´m down with being a princess, but my crib is here with S.P.F. 30." "I´m disappointed." "But not surprised." "Um..." "Prince..." "Would you let me keep the Ruby of Begonia?" "To remind me of you." "Jamaica, you are dope." "Oh, thank you." "I will always treasure it." "Uh, no, I mean you a dope to think I would let you keep that ring." "[Clicking]" "[Toilet Flushing]" "Oh, hi, teens!" "Notch Johnson here." "Tonight´s show was about gays in the military." "You know, if you look deep into the annals of military history, and especially the Civil War, you´ll come across the Battle of Glory Hole and the story of gay soldier" "Private Richard M. Head." "When Dick Head shot off his big gun, he was able to warn Union soldiers about an invasion to their rear." "Nobody asked if he was gay or queer or why he wore that sequin beret." "No." "Because Dick Head was a solider, and that´s all that matters." "Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying:" "Ride the big one!"