"(upbeat march plays)" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪" "♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" "♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪" "Good... morning, everyone." "It is a beautiful 72 degrees out." "(sighs)" "Today has so much promise." "Today?" "Try Berlin in '38." "So many different people." "So many opinions." "A marketplace of ideas." "Anyway, today in sex-ed, we're asking our teacher anonymous questions." "It can be anything we want to know." "That's great, honey." "You know, Steve, legend has it, that if you can stump a sex-ed teacher, you become the sex-ed teacher." "(imitates Highlander):" ""There can be only one!"" "Hey." "Did you guys know that there's a landmass made up of garbage that's floating in the Pacific Ocean?" "You shouldn't have to go that far just to throw away that manly jacket." "Well, I'm tired of ignoring the world's problems." "So, today, I start my new job for a local news reporter with a brand-new show." "Oh, that sounds hard." "Are you sure you want to bother?" "Look, this is my chance to get the truth out there about Garbage Island and so many other things." "People need to know the dangers of eating non-organic fruit and that vaccines are" "Hayley!" "Behind you!" "(footsteps departing)" "(all grunting)" "Damn it!" "One at a time, you guys." "This is why we had all those drills." "Whatever." "I'm going out there to make a difference." "("Let the River Run" by Carly Simon begins)" "♪ It's asking for the taking ♪" "♪ Trembling, shaking ♪" "♪ Oh, my heart is aching ♪" "♪ We're coming to the edge ♪" "♪ Running on the water ♪" "♪ Coming through the fog ♪" "♪ Your sons and daughters ♪" "♪ Let the river run ♪" "♪ Let the river run ♪" "♪ Let all the dreamers ♪ ♪ Let all the dreamers ♪" "♪ Wake the nation ♪ ♪ Wake the nation ♪" "♪ Come, the New Jerusalem. ♪" "(song abruptly ends)" "Oh, come on!" "♪ ♪" "I'm Genevieve Vavance." "Tonight on News Glance:" "Is heroin the new cure for cancer?" "What I don't know about things will shock you." "And cut." "We're clear." "You're late." "You're Genevieve Vavance?" "I thought I was working for a real reporter." "I am a real reporter." "I broadcast live to Langley Falls every night on channel 438 after reruns of the Taiwanese prayer breakfast." "First pitch meeting is this afternoon." "Prepare to wow me." "You're already halfway there." "I love that jacket." "Is it...?" "Yeah." "Cheap." "All right." "It's time for me to answer your anonymous questions about sex." ""I've had sex three times."" "Kudos." "But that's not a question." ""What's it called when you kiss someone on the toilet?"" "Good question." "Scientists call that a "San Diego Thank You."" ""Is it true that, during sex, a woman's uterus can create a vacuum-like effect and suck a person up inside of it?"" "(class laughing)" "Idiot." "Hold up." "Hold up." "I recognize this handwriting." "It's Steve Smith's." "(laughing continues)" "Hey, Steve!" "Look out...!" "(whooshes)" "(laughing and whooshing continue)" "Okay." "Story ideas." "Now, I don't know where you worked before, but Genevieve Vavance does things a little differently." "Now, pitch." "How 'bout we do a report on the corruption in the Langley Light Rail?" "No." "(gun clicking)" "(sighs) Can we please get a bullet intern to make sure I always have bullets?" "We had one?" "What happened to her?" "Oh, that's right." "She went back to school." "She was great." "She's gonna do great things." "Well, I want to do an exposé about Garbage Island." "It's a giant mass of trash polluting the Pacific Ocean." "You know what's garbage?" "That story." "Come on, I need something juicy to boost my ratings!" "I need a serial killer priest!" "I need a vegetarian cop!" "I need a senator cheating on his wife with a bagel!" "(yells, grunts)" "All of you, get out there and find me my JonBenét Ramsey!" "But Garbage Island is a story that people need to hear." "I'll tell you what:" "you find me a story that gets me ratings and I'll let you report on as much idealistic crap as you want." "Genevieve?" "My bagel and I are ready to tell our side of the story." "You have my ear, Senator." "Today was awful." "Someone spray painted" ""Steve Smith thinks vaginas suck", on my locker." "So what?" "People think you're gay." "(scoffs) I wish!" "No one thinks I'm sexual at all, because of the stupid question I asked in class." "My day was worse." "My new boss is Roger." "I-I wanted to make a difference in the world, but he just wants a missing kid to sensationalize." "Missing kids are so lucky." "I'd kill to disappear right now." "Wait a minute..." "What if you did disappear?" "What do you mean?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "We pretend you were kidnapped and we hide you away for a week," "Roger gets his missing person story and then I get to do my exposé on Garbage Island." "That's great!" "By the time I get back, everyone will have forgotten all about my ignorance of the fairer sex!" "I'm not as concerned about what you're getting out of it, but sure." "I rented this cabin for the next week." "Y-You sure you'll be okay?" "Of course!" "I'll be fine." "Geez, Steve." "Four gallons of Lubriderm?" "You try living with eczema." "All right." "Time to report a disappearance." "(sighs)" "ROGER:" "Hello?" "(voice breaking):" "Genevieve?" "It's Hayley." "I think I have your story." "My little brother has gone missing!" "Steve is missing?" "!" "How horrible for him." "But fantastic for us!" "We can make this national news!" "(phone beeps)" "They said I wasn't good enough for television." "How do you like me now, voices in my head?" "There's no pleasing you guys!" "No, not you, Marc." "You're always super positive." "ANNOUNCER:" "Hard-hitting reporter." "Truth seeker." "Curves membership." "This is News Glance with Genevieve Vavance." "Sad news out of Langley Falls tonight, stunningly gorgeous high school student," "Steve Smith, has gone missing." "Athletic." "Chiseled." "Missing." "All we know right now is that Steve was last seen at home with his family and he is adorable." "This isn't some ugly kid who went missing." "No." "This is a person who matters." "To fully understand the weight of this tragedy, let's take a look at some photos of Steve to the song," ""It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday", from the notable Boyz II Men album, "Cooleyhighharmony."" "♪ And I'll take... ♪ ♪ Take with me ♪" "♪ With me the memories... ♪" "♪ To be my sunshine ♪" "♪ After the rain ♪" "♪ It's so hard ♪ ♪ Hard ♪" "♪ To say goodbye ♪ ♪ Bye ♪" "♪ To yesterday. ♪ ♪ Day. ♪" "(song ends)" "It's too early to speculate whether Steve is dead or alive, but, when we come back, it won't be." "And now, a word from our sponsor," "BeerWater." "(bird screeches)" "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him party." "Unless you have BeerWater!" "(house music plays)" "BeerWater-- quench your sober." "This is great, right?" "!" "I just saw the early ratings and we're holding 81 percent of the Taiwanese prayer breakfast numbers." "Yeah." "Listen, now that I got you your hot story," "I get to do my report on Garbage Island, right?" "Yeah." "We're definitely gonna do that." "A thousand percent, top priority on my mind." "MEN:" "♪ It's so hard... ♪" "What the hell is that?" "♪ To say goodbye... ♪" "And we... have... vigil." "♪ To yesterday. ♪" "(women crying)" "Look how sad everyone is." "I did this!" "Officer, please, find our baby boy." "We're doing everything we can with the evidence we have." "Which... is... no evidence." "But we will, uh... find him?" "Whoa." "A monkey holding a banana?" "!" "So many Beanie Babies here I haven't seen before." "Francine, look at this one!" "It's a bear in a bunny costume." "What are you doing in a bunny costume, bear?" "I'm here with the parents, Stan and Francine Smith." "Do you folks have a statement?" "I just want my baby to come home." "Of course you do." "But I'd let yourself want other things, too." "I mean, we're at a vigil." "It's not like you have those when things are going great." "(crying)" "If you'll excuse me," "I have to go comfort my wife now." "I bet a Beanie Baby would cheer her up." "Like this one." "She might like this one." "(gasps) This one reminds me of" "Abigail Breslin." "Not so much the way it looks, but its energy." "Great work, Hayley!" "This story is just what I needed." "I know, but I feel awful." "My mom is devastated." "Well, yeah, her little baby's missing." "Th-That's the thing, he's... (groans) ...he's not really missing." "I, I kind of staged the whole thing." "Oh, my God, Hayley!" "You're a journalist!" "What?" "!" "Sure!" "We don't report the news, we make it." "Accuracy is so time-consuming." "Fiction is the new fact." "Roger, these people need to know that" "Steve isn't missing, okay?" "I got to come clean on this." "You know what else has to come clean?" "Garbage Island." "Don't you still want to do your report?" "Of course I do!" "But, uh, my mom, she's so torn up." "Look, just let this ride for one more day, all right?" "Besides, the more popular the story gets, the more viewers we'll have for your bummer piece on Garbage Island." "(sighs) Fine." "One more day." "All right." "I'm gonna take a lap." "It's super easy to take peoples' wallets while they're crying." "ANNOUNCER:" "Justice hunter." "Philanthropist." "Has a Gmail account." "This is News Glance with Genevieve Vavance." "Been a tough day for all of us here at the Glance." "Steve Smith has now been missing for 36 hours." "I'm joined by some of Steve's classmates." "You look like the type of girls who do a lot of regrettable things." "How does it feel today, knowing you'll probably never get to hit that?" "Sad." "Steve was really cute." "I guess I just wish I could've hit that." "It's so important to have sex with people before they go missing." "All those girls want me?" "!" "Awesome!" "The longer I stay in this cabin, the more laid I'm gonna get!" "Yeah." "More volume!" "I want it super big!" "You're doing a great job." "I know I'm demanding, but I'm working on it." "But it also got me where I am today." "So when I ask you to make it super big," "I mean, make it super big!" "I will murder you!" "I'm sorry." "Work in progress." "God is not finished with this gal." "Hey, Genevieve, I'm all set to do my story on Garbage Island." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll get to it." "But first, I got an exclusive with the parents." "Wait." "What?" "!" "And we're back." "I'm here tonight with Stan and Francine Smith, heartbroken parents of America's missing son, Steve Smith." "Stan, Francine, why did you murder your son?" "What?" "!" "Not ready to confess?" "Let's look at some statistics." "100% of the time a child goes missing, the parents did it." "ANNOUNCER:" "Legally not a fact." "What are you talking about?" "And where'd you hide the body?" "We didn't hide the body." "So you admit there's a body?" "!" "Why are you doing this?" "!" "I'm sorry." "Its been a long week." "Emotions are running wild." "Can I get you something?" "A BeerWater perhaps?" "No, thanks." "That stuff gives me diarrhea." "Stan, are you close with your son?" "No, but that doesn't mean I murdered him!" "Interesting." "Can we play that back?" "I murdered him!" "You son of a bitch!" "(clicking) Oh!" "(gasps) We have to take a break." "WOMAN:" "BeerWater... it won't give you diarrhea." "(bird screeches)" "(quietly):" "Just keep it natural." "You guys are doing great." "You're coming off super likable." "Francine, how many times did you stab your son?" "None!" "Huh." "Well, my team and I created a reenactment of what we believe happened the night Steve disappeared." "You know what I've been thinking about lately?" "How Steve is the worst?" "Yes!" "I kind of want to murder him." "Great idea!" "We'll use my knife!" "(clinking)" "Hi, Mom!" "Hi, Dad!" "Just coming in here to love you." "I... forgive... you." "(laughter)" "Gruesome stuff." "Can you two stick around for my next guest?" "Yeah?" "Well, please welcome Officer Keith Benson!" "What?" "!" "Stan and Francine Smith, you are under arrest for the murder of your son." "What the hell?" "!" "We didn't kill him!" "We love our son!" "Wait!" "Officer, please!" "You're making a mistake!" "Tragic." "After the break: bulimia." "Bad for you, but is it good for your toilet?" "Find out tonight at 11:00." "Are you crazy?" "!" "You let my mom and dad go to jail?" "!" "Now, I know you're angry, but try not to let that come through when you do your report on Garbage Island, which is now!" "Go!" "(theme music plays)" "Um... m-mo-most people like to get wasted on an exotic island, but this island is waste." "(sighs)" "I'm sorry." "I can't do this." "Isn't she a trouper?" "Still trying to save the world when, just moments ago, she learned that her parents murdered her little handsome brother." "They murdered her brother!" "Camera two, they murdered her brother!" "I'm sorry." "Cut!" "Cut!" "I can't do this!" "♪ ♪" "Okay, from the top." "(whistling "Ode to Joy")" "Steve!" "My orchestra!" "Pack your bags, Steve." "We're going home." "Home?" "Are you crazy?" ""Steve Fever" is starting to build." "I'll be dropping more panties than when Mr. Bean worked at Victoria's Secret." "Haven't you been watching?" "!" "Mom and Dad got arrested!" "Huh?" "!" "Yeah." "This kidnapping is officially over." "(theme music plays) Un... expected... twist!" "It is with a heavy heart that I must report one of my own journalists," "Hayley Smith, kidnapped her brother and framed her own parents for his murder!" "(whispering):" "Let her take the fall, or you're going down with her." "Thank God we found him!" "He seems to be okay, at least above the waist." "Steve, did she do stuff to you?" "Oh, God, she did!" "Camera two, she did!" "What?" "!" "These are all lies!" "Steve, tell them the truth!" "Genevieve Vavance is right!" "My sister kidnapped me!" "Steve!" "(siren blaring)" "(tires squealing)" "We got a runner!" "You cops split up and comb each side of the river." "Don't come back until you get her!" "Genevieve, is that you?" "It's me" " Edward." "Edward?" "No." "No, you can't be Edward." "Edward weighed at least 25 pounds more than you." "I lost that weight in the academy." "You look good, Genny." "I see you kept my name." "Only because it was TV-ready." "I'm married to my career now." "You always were." "I got to go, Eddie." "My story's leaving, and I got to chase it." "Hey, Sarge, was that her?" "I get it now." "Hey, you mind if I borrow your Metro section?" "(in deep voice):" "Sure." "MALE ANNOUNCER (on TV):" "Tonight, don't miss The Steve Smith Homecoming Spectacular hosted live by legendary reporter, Genevieve Vavance, with a special tribute by universally-likable crooner Josh Groban!" "(applause, cheering and whistling)" "ANNOUNCER:" "Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Steve Smith Homecoming Spectacular!" "Please welcome special musical guest Josh Groban!" "(applause and cheering)" "♪ He was lost but now he's found ♪" "♪ We just wanted to have him around ♪" "♪ He's the Steveiest, he's the Steveiest ♪" "♪ He's utterly Steve ♪" "♪ Oh, Steve, in the night we called for you ♪ (applause and cheering)" "♪ Steve, in the night we bawled for you ♪ (audience groans)" "♪ Now you're home ♪" "♪ Stay with us ♪" "♪ Stay, Steve!" "♪" "(applause and cheering)" "And please welcome my dear friend and spiritual guide, Miss Genevieve Vavance." "(applause and cheering, theme music plays)" "Thanks, Grobes." "See you next month in Mexico." "I put your name on the room, in case you want to check in before me." "And now let's have a big welcome back for" "Steve Smith and his parents, Stan and Francine!" "(applause)" "Thank you for being here." "Now, let's start with the parents." "How thankful are you that my accusing you of murder has brought an end to this terrible ordeal?" "On a scale from 90 to 100." "Then... 90." "90." "Wow!" "Still an A!" "(applause) They don't just give those out!" "And Steve Smith, here you are, safe, free, the nightmare behind you." "Tell us: what was it like to be kidnapped by your own sister?" "Well, I..." "I'm not sure." "Is that right?" "Well, maybe the teleprompter can help." "Um..." "I..." "Well..." "Uh, I had heard that there was never a time you weren't certain you were going to die." "(audience gasping)" "Every girl in that crowd wants you." "Just read the damn prompter." ""My crazy sister locked me up and made me kiss a raccoon on the mouth..."" "No!" "That's not true." "None of this is!" "Wha-What-What?" "!" "I can't do this." "My sister didn't kidnap me." "I humiliated myself at school, so she helped me hide." "This entire thing was staged." "(audience gasping)" "And Genevieve Vavance was in on it." "Yes, I staged Steve's kidnapping, but Genevieve Vavance knew about it." "She had my parents arrested for a crime she knew they didn't commit, and when I told her to stop, she framed me, too." "(audience murmuring) We trusted you!" "You're supposed to be a journalist!" "(audience booing)" "I can't read!" "I depend on you!" "Whoa!" "Uh, uh, everyone, a big hand for the BeerWater mermaids!" "(dance music plays)" "(audience clamoring)" "(screaming)" "(gasps)" "Hayley, I'm sorry I let everyone think you kidnapped me." "No, Steve." "I'm the one who owes you an apology." "I just wanted to be a journalist and get the truth out there, but I ended up compromising all my beliefs along the way." "(sighs) I learned my lesson." "I'll never be ambitious again." "Hayley, I have no idea what's going on, but it sounds like I should be proud of you." "That ballad was supposed to be my "Candle in the Wind", you dicks." "All right, I'm gonna do the bumpers for the next few shows." "Just keep it rollin'." "I ain't doing this twice." "What household item could kill you in the next half-hour?" "We'll tell you tonight..." "at 11:00!" "Easily surprised?" "You'll be shocked by what you learn tonight at 11:00." "Texting and driving-- how it may save your life." "Tonight at 11:00!" "Is Mario Lopez gay?" "We make irresponsible guesses, tonight at 11:00." "The results will shock him." "Tonight, at 11:00, teens are having sex younger and younger." "Want to watch?"