"[ Indistinct conversations ]" "[ Cellphones beeping, ringing ]" "[ Cellphone vibrates ]" "So, what do you think, Dr. Spanky?" "Spanky!" "Trent: [ Laughs ]" "At the next intersection, turn right." "Trent:" "Don't tell me how to get to work, you stupid GPS." "I'm a human being." "You're just a computer." "Kove:" "I don't like it." "It's almost 10:00 AM, and there hasn't been a single terrorist attack on San Diego." "Alphonse:" "Nothing in virtual San Diego, either." "Kove:" "Robot SAM, robot SAMANTHA, report." " Nothing." " Nothing here." "[ Beeping ]" "[ Chuckles ]" "Turn left onto Governor's-- [ Whirring ]" "Trent:" "The hell?" "Will you marry me?" "[ Whirring ]" "[ Indistinct conversations ]" "Piper:" "No!" "What am I supposed to look at?" "Ugh!" "Trent:" "Come on, computer!" "Wake up!" "I don't need you." "I know San Diego like TNT Knows Drama." "I'll be at work in no time." "_" "Diego!" "♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪" "Kove:" "Sam, what's happening?" "All the bleep-bloops and blink-blinks have gone out." "Sam:" "I don't know." "The entire system has gone what is technically known as "ka-blungo."" "Kove:" "Toucher, what do you know?" "I can tell you, but first I need to touch a 12-year-old autistic child." "Jessie:" "Well, that's certainly creepy." "Hey!" "Don't assume the worst." "I only touch their shoulders." "Touching young boys is what allows me to see the future." "It's my gift and my curse." "Piper:" "Wi-fi is down." "Phones are down." "I've got to get back online." "I'm missing all of Kelly Oxford's funny tweets." "Kove:" "Piper, your Twitter friends are not important right now." "Piper:" "Ugh!" "They're not my friends." "They're my followers!" "Kove:" "Where's Trent?" "!" "Albert, shoulders." "I see someone eating a pizza." "Trent:" "Mexico?" "Since when did they move Mexico to San Diego?" "Kove:" "Goodbye." "Witnesses report seeing a bunch of filthy scumbags with microwaves just before the dirty bomb went off this morning." "Alphonse:" "Sounds like the mole people are trying take over San Diego again." "Sam:" "Oh, ew." "What is that?" "Kove:" "This is a telephone." "Jessie:" "Um, it's pronounced "cellphone."" "Sam:" "Uh-huh." "Kove:" "This is what people used before cellphones." "Piper:" "Siri?" "Froyo." "[ Slams receiver ]" "Kove:" "Here, let me explain." "I'll make a crude drawing." "I'm guessing these microwaves were rigged to emit an electromagnetic pulse." "Put enough of them together, synchronized... and you'll freeze up every microchip in Southern San Diego." "Kove:" "We're dealing with technology terrorists." " Sam, you know about technology." "Sam:" " Huh?" "Kove:" "I want you to infiltrate their group and see what they're up to." " Take Jessie with you." "Jessie:" " Me?" "Kove:" "You're Amish." "You'll understand their luddite philosophy." "Plus, you already look like a homeless drifter, so you'll fit right in." "Sam:" "Careful." "Jessie:" "Wow!" "Looks like a Russian Ikea commercial." "Greetings, mole person!" "We mean you no harm." "What did you call me?" "Do I look like a filthy animal to you?" "You know, I'm a human being." "The mole people are one floor below." "All hail the Prairie Dog King!" "Greetings to my Prairie Dog people!" "The revolution has begun!" "[ Cheers and applause ]" "Kove:" "While Sam and Jessie are working underground, I want you two to try and find a pattern to the dirty bomb locations from this morning." "Alphonse:" "What the hell is that?" "Kove:" "This is a "book."" "We can use it to see maps of all of San Diego." "Piper:" "Got it!" "It doesn't work!" "Kove:" "Piper." "See?" "It's like an iPad made of paper." "Alphonse:" "Damn!" "You know so much about so much." "Kove:" "There are a lot of things about me you don't know." "Piper:" "We'd love to hear." "Kove:" "Well, then..." "let's take a trip." "Today, we took down Southern San Diego." "Yes!" "Tomorrow, La Jolla." "But before we do this, it is imperative for us to remember why we are doing it." "Oh, brother, I can't believe we're gonna hear this story again." "I once owned the largest chain of mall bookstores in the world." "Life was good then." "Then came the computers, the internet, the kindlers, and "The Cloud."" "Anyway, within months, the stores began to close." "I was broke." "I had nothing to my name but my beloved books." "And then you, my-- my faithful former employees, came with me down here to create a new society-- a society free of the internet and its negative impact on brick-and-mortar businesses." "What the hell is "The Cloud"?" "Where the hell is this cloud?" "It's certainly not in the sky." "You can't see it." "Oh, get on with it." "And so today, we detonate..." "the technology-smashing bomb." "[ Cheers and applause ]" "He's got some better names, but, you know, it's-- it all just kind of comes off the top of his head." "Trent:" "Global warming my ass." "There-- it's-- the city hall must be around here somewhere." "[ Growls ]" "Trent:" "I don't have any change." "Kove:" "And that is how I murdered Lee Harvey Oswald." "Piper:" "Talking face-to-face is so much more engaging than reading tweets." "Kove:" "You see?" "We're learning so much about each other." "Piper:" "Yeah, I mean for example, I never realized that you were black." "Alphonse:" "And I never realized you were a woman." "Kove:" "Do you want to know a secret about me?" "Piper:" "Yes!" "Kove:" "I was born in a shoebox with a full set of teeth. [ Gasps ]" "Sam:" "If Dalton sets this thing off, it'll be back to the dark ages-- bicycles and 2D movies." "Jessie:" "No, not 2D." "How would Scorsese establish depth?" "Sam:" "I think I can defuse this thing, but somebody's got to distract Dalton." "Jessie:" "How?" "Sam:" "Seduce him." "Jessie:" "I don't know how to do that!" "Sam:" "I know you don't know how to do that, but you have to for San Diego." "Jessie:" "Ugh!" "You should be preparing for the attack." "Jessie:" "Oh, I'm going to attack something all right." "I'm going to attack that [Bleep] [Bleep] throbbing [Bleep] [Bleep] my hands [Bleep] and [Bleep] like it is a chicken." "[ Growls ]" "Oh, my God!" "Sam:" "What is this?" "A drive screwer?" "I guess I'm gonna have to do this old-school." "Problem is, I never went to old school." "I went to St. Mary's." "Jessie:" "And your [Bleep] are still attached to your [Bleep] and your [Bleep] is in your wallet." "Sam:" "Can't open this." "Well, I'll be." "Jessie:" "Over and [Bleep] with or without soap." "Boop." "Sam:" "I got to disable this." "[ Microwave beeping ]" "That's it!" "I short-circuited it!" "I short-circuited it." "Jessie!" "Diffused the bomb." "Oh, this seduction was just a distraction." "Well, in that case, it was relatively successful." "Jessie:" "Thanks." "Sam:" "The jig is up, Dalton." "NTSF:" "SD:" "SUV:" " We're here to take you topside and arrest you." "All right. [Sighs] I'll go with you." "Just give me a few moments." "I'm gonna get a few books just to read while I'm in jail." "Sam:" "Yeah, I get it." "Jessie:" "Not too much to ask." "Sam:" "I mean, what would you take to jail if you needed to read something, I mean..." "He didn't get books, did he?" "Jessie: [ Gasps ]" "He's headed down to the mole people's tunnels." "Should we go after him?" "The mole people are tearing me to pieces!" "[ Grumbling ]" "Sam:" "No." "Sounds like he's dead already." "Jessie:" "You're all free." "Enjoy the surface of San Diego and your newfound freedom." "Sam:" "Um, however, you're all under arrest and will be tried as tech terrorists." "And you'll probably spend the rest of your lives in jail, just so you know." "[ Indistinct conversations ]" "Will you marry me?" "No." "Kove:" "I'm Madea." "Piper:" "Yes!" "Kove:" "Yes!" "Yes!" "[ Whirring ]" "Piper:" "Oh, thank God!" "Oh, no, no, no, no!" "I missed a groupon for Sheetrock." "Alphonse:" "Finally." "I'm back with my real friends!" "Kove:" "Alone once again." "Wait a minute." "Where's Trent?" "Trent:" "No." "No!" "You finally did it." "[ Laughing ] You finally did it!" "You moved the Statue of Liberty to San Diego." "Damn you!" "Damn you to hell!"