"I'm not sick, but I'm not well" "And I'm so hot" "Cos I'm in hell." "I don't know, Mark, yours is very expensive." "Soph, it's the wedding list." "If some dupe wants to buy us the gold standard of sugar bowls, I say milk them till they're dry." "I just think if our relationship were a sugar bowl, it would be this one." "'How the fuck did it come to this?" "'I'm getting married to a woman I may not love, 'and I've got stupid fashionable hair all over my face.'" " Do you mind?" " No, sure, of course not." "'It's only a sugar bowl." "'Hopefully I won't even get married." "'lf I do, eventually it'll get chipped or broken." "'Then I'll get the sugar bowl of my dreams.'" " What are you going to wear for my birthday?" " Um, some of my clothes." "It would be nice to get all spruced up to meet Mum and Dad." "No, no need for new stuff." "I've got three pairs of trousers, and loads of shirts that aren't worn out." " But they don't go with your new look." " 'I'm a bearded concubine.'" "What about this?" "You do know who that is, don't you?" "Chairman Mao, isn't it?" "The man was responsible for the deaths of 60 million people." "I don't want him on my chest." "60 million?" "That's more than Stalin, isn't it?" "It's not a competition, Soph." "Although if it was, Mao would probably win." "Oh, these are nice." "Try these on." "This is just a zip." "There's no pocket to this zip." "So?" "'That's the way things are these days." "'Let's just put a zip here, a swastika there, why not?" "'Who knows what these things were once used for." "Who even cares?" "'" "But what's Blair going to do?" "Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star." "Or a supergroup." "Blair on guitar, Bono on vocals, Clinton on sax." "That is definitely going to happen." "Geldof's gonna shit." "Hi, Jez, Super Hans." " Hey, man." " All right?" "Oh, my God." "You're wear..." "Why are you wearing that?" "Sophie bought it for me, and I decided to wear it home." "How funny." "It's not funny, Mark." "It's not funny at all." "Take it off, take it off right now." "What?" "Why?" "We'll talk about why after you've taken it off." "What's wrong with us wearing the same clothes?" " Are you embarrassed that we're..." " No, not that." "Just... we're clashing." "We're not, we're matching." "That's the opposite of clashing." "It's exactly the fucking same as clashing, all right?" "Take it off." "No, it's new." "I'm wearing it in." "Fine." "If you're taking this down to the wire, fine." "I blink, you win, OK?" "Jesus." "Sorry, but we'd better get going." "(Jez) Look, it was really nice of Sophie inviting me but I've got loads of really important stuff to do this weekend." "Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar milk, a small bag of marijuana and a pirated DVD of Anchorman is not important stuff." "She really wants you to come." "You're sort of part of the family now." "But what about your doubts?" "Your crippling doubts?" "Look, I picked up Music Of The Royal Tournament for only £2.99." "Pretty tasty." "Or are you just going to bury them until they erupt as a massive stroke and I have to carry you around on my back for 30 years?" "I know I might have mentioned some doubts, but that was pub talk." "You can't bring up pub talk in the cold light of day." "You know how I get after the pub, like when I ordered the Abdominiser." "Besides, she's good for me, Jez, she's dragging me into the 21st century, with its meaningless logos and ironic veneration of tyrants." "It's all good, my friend." "It's all good." "(Mark) 'Got to make a good impression, hit my key features." "'I'm dependable, but not afraid of the occasional premium lager.'" " Mummy!" " Hello, darling." " Hi, Daddy." " Hello, sweetheart." "So, welcome to the Chapman homestead." " Great to meet you." " The feeling's mutual." "You look different from your photo." "Is the beard new?" "I thought it gave him a bit of edge." "Thinking of cropping the hair, too." "Makes you look handsome, like a policeman." "Oh, thank you." "You're obviously very attractive too." "'Oh, what next?" "Am I going to tell her she's got lovely tits?" "'" "So, how do you think I'm doing so far?" "Relax, Mark, they like you." "'Of course, she would say that.'" "How do you think it's going, Jez?" "Pretty good, seven out of ten." "Just keep hitting those key features." "Cool." "'Poor bastard." "The women are going to make marriage mincemeat out of him." "'He's like a wedding burger, and they're the buns.'" "So, I loved Outrageous." "I'm sorry." "Your track." ""This is outrageous" " "Soph played it to me." "Oh, right, that." "Shit." "Have you ever been to the Big Chill?" "Er, no." "Yeah, I went the year before last." "But it was a bit much." "I took four cans with me, then this guy from security came up, and he said he was from security, but I don't think he really was." "Anyway, then Dad came and picked me up." "OK, that's an interesting story." "'Great, I'm at the children's table." "I'm with the kids." "'I'm not part of the family at all," "'I'm the rubber toy brought for the weirdo to chew on.'" "Everybody behind me, keep your guns low." "'Oh, God." "The first fiance challenge, and I've got a gun." "An actual gun." "'It's OK, it's perfectly normal, it's the country, it's what farmers do." "'They go around shooting crows and trespassers, and eventually, 'because of the EU, themselves.'" "Then I went to Warwick, but I left after a term." "They were all a bunch of fakers." "Still got the bag from the freshers fair, though." "Pretty cool bag." "I'll show it to you later, if you want." "Mm-hmm." "Jamie, where's your gun?" "Jamie doesn't shoot." "Oh, do you not believe in..." " I'm not allowed." " 'Don't ask why." "Don't ask, don't tell.'" "Oh, right." "(Jez) 'No, of course he's not allowed." "He's Mark Chapman in the making, 'and I'm very much a 21st century Lennon.'" "So, I'm Jamie's bum boy?" "Is that it?" "I'm the fluffer." "I'm going home, Mark." "Please, I need to make a good impression." "Jamie's not such a bad guy." "Stay." "And what if I don't?" "Are you going to shoot me?" "Of course I'm not." "If you shoot me, I'll shoot you straight back." "You do realise that." "OK, here we go." "Remember, tight against the shoulder." "I got it." "I got one, I got one!" "Congratulations, you've killed a sentient being." "Well done, Mark, but you've only winged it." " Oh." "Is that not..." " No, you've got to finish it off." "Oh." "Right." "No, don't shoot it." "God!" "What?" "Shall I..." "Don't stamp on it!" "Jesus." "Wring its neck." "Its neck?" "Yes, it's suffering." "'This is the ultimate good impression test." "'lf I do this, I'll never have to carve a chicken 'or discuss spark plugs or prove I love his daughter.'" "Be careful you don't..." "Oh, Mark." "You've pulled its bloody head off." "There's blood all over me." "Teas, coffees for the huntsmen." "No teas for the Beastmaster, thanks." "He feasts on the blood of his prey." "There you go." "It's got a bit of a head on, but I'm sure you'll see to that in a hurry." "Oh, Dad, don't go one about it." "It was horrible." "OK, well I'll leave you two together." "I'm sorry?" "Sophie and Penny thought it might be nice if you and I had an evening together." "Oh, great, a whole evening." "I'm taking Jamie to Guildford." "There's this gig in a pub, he thinks maybe they'll let him play at the end." "Maybe they will." "OK, see you boys later." "'Oh shit, oh no.'" "So..." "'I have very little to say to my closest friends." "'What the hell am I going to say to a fully grown man for a whole night?" "'" "You're the man who's going to marry my Sophie?" "That's me all right." "'Probably.'" "And you love her?" "Yes, I do, sir." "'Ugh - "sir"." "This isn't Tennessee, Mark.'" "Because that's all I care about." "Because if there's one little crack of doubt, after 30 years, well..." "Never get older, that's all I'm saying." "Right." "Yeah, that's good advice." "'Oh, God, here we go." "He's got no-one else to talk to 'but sheep and trees." "This is what happens 'if you live too far from proper franchised coffee outlets.'" "You need the love, Mark." "Because the physical stuff, that goes, inevitably." "That all goes." "Well, that's good, cos me and Soph, it's, you know, love." "'Or my fear of loneliness, and her strong desire 'to get pregnant by almost anyone, so long as it happens this year.'" "Hello." "'Oh." "Alone with the mum." "'Just act normal." "She doesn't know I'm not wearing any pants.'" "Jez, I'm delighted about you and Jamie." "He hasn't had a proper friend since he was 13." "Oh, right, yeah." "I mean, we only watched the Lion King and his Fatboy Slim DVD." "Listen, I've been thinking, what with lan's mum passed away, we've got the Volvo and the Subaru." "Maybe you could have her old Golf." "Wow." "You could come and see us and Jamie." "Right." "Well, brilliant." "'One Jezmobile." "No strings attached." "'I mean, loads of strings, but just ignore the strings.'" "So, what you making, Mrs C?" "Just some Blair resignation jam." "Oh, right, Blair, yeah." "I see, nice." "I theme my jams, it makes them more fun." "Cool, very cool." "Do you like jam?" "Yep." "Yes." "Sometimes I feel like I could do with a friend out here." "Yeah." "It's good to have a friend." "Have a proper taste." "'Suck Mummy's finger." "'Do I suck the finger?" "'" " Good?" " Mmm, very good." "I mean, I've got a girlfriend." "Try the Diana Memorial strawberry." "'OK, I'm finger sucking." "'Is this wrong?" "Maybe this is totally normal." "'Maybe this is what they do in the country.'" "Good." "You like it, don't you?" " Yes, I do like it." " Try this." "'Maybe she just likes having her finger sucked." "'I don't mind, but eventually it's going to get cloying.'" "I expect you've noticed lan's a little older than me." "He used to enjoy lots of things he doesn't like doing any more." "No, yeah, I'm sure." "So, there you are." " I'm a woman." " Indeed." "And you're a man." "Technically." "Mm-hm." "Yes." "So, what are you going to do about that?" "'OK, it's not going to be just the jam." "'So what am I going to do?" "It's almost like a moral decision, 'but not really, cos no-one will find out.'" "'Goodbye beard, hello familiar, stupid face.'" "So how did it go down the pub?" "Make a good impression?" "Er, yeah, yeah." "I think so." "But it got me thinking about Sophie, and the wedding, and how I probably don't properly love her." " Yeah?" " Yes." "I think..." "I think I'm gonna call it off, Jez." "Wow." "That's..." "I'm impressed, Mark." "'Could go for a high five." "Probably not the most appropriate time.'" "So, is that why... the beard?" "Yes." "I thought you liked the beard." "Well I had to pretend that, even to myself." "What sort of man would grow an unwanted beard to order?" "So, when are you going to call it off?" "I don't know, it's difficult." "I mean, ideally it would be somewhere with nice surroundings." "Yeah." "Somewhere with flowers, coffee and sedatives, medical assistance." "Maybe with music, but not too jaunty." "Melancholy music." "Right." "So where are you planning to find this magical musical break-up hospital?" "KNOCKING" "Oh shit!" "That'll be Sophie, looking for nookie." "I can't see her now, pretend to be asleep." "Just finish it now." "I can't do it now." "You don't just declare war, Jeremy." "You prime the press, you square the UN, you make up your reasons." "KNOCKING" " Snore." " What?" "IMITATES SNORING" "I heard you snoring, but you're not asleep." "No, just practising." "I was showing Jeremy some techniques." "I'm sure Jeremy's got plenty of his own techniques." "I just wanted to check you were back OK, Mark, and to say how lovely it is to have you both here." "Night." "Please, no." "Please, tell me no." " What?" " That, the smutty smile." "Jeremy, please tell me that nothing's going on there." "Nothing is going on there." "Let just say that nothing is going on there." "Yeah." "Actually, I did want to tell someone." "It was so cool." "She had all this jam..." "Oh, my God, you didn't!" "You fucked her!" "Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control." " That's Sophie's mother!" " She's hot." "She's not out of Hollyoaks!" "She probably had a ration book!" "Oh, you're a piece of work!" "I'm in the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're at the house banging the mum!" "That is not a good impression." "I don't know, I think I made a pretty good impression." "Jeremy, please, don't smile like that." "You're not James Bond." "You're disgusting." "'I am James Bond.'" "Sorry you have to be out here watching this." "Just me walking about, basically." "But Penny wanted us out of the house, and what Penny wants, Penny gets." "No, it's fine." "I mean, if I wasn't here" "I'd just be sitting around with Soph." "I can see her any time." "So come on, Mark, why haven't you told her yet?" "Shh, he can hear." "He can't hear." "Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger-baiting tweed-shirt bumfuck homophobe?" "'Oh, shit.'" "Bottle cap." "Another one for the collection." "So come on, are you having second thoughts?" "I don't know, maybe." "I mean, she's so nice." "So what if I don't really love her." "Charles didn't really love Diana, and they were all right." "Sort of." "You don't really love Sophie?" " What?" "No." " That's what you said." " No, I didn't." " Yes, you did." "No, no, because of distortion." "There was probably a buzz." "There might be an ancient Saxon coin right here." "Stop it, Mark." "I heard every word." "And for the record, Jeremy," "I may be a homophobe, but I'm no badger baiter." "So, I like your barn, lan." "It's full of crap no-one has any use for." "Maybe that's why I feel so at home here." "Ha." "Mark, if you don't love Sophie, you shouldn't marry her." "Yes, that's what I've actually been thinking." "That's what I'm going to tell her." "'The good-impression thermometer is reaching absolute zero.'" "For what it's worth, I'm sorry." "You know what, I'm glad." "I'd rather you came clean now than start something that's not right - that actually takes balls." "Well, thank you." "Sometimes, I wish I had the guts to say something." "Do something." "What would you do if you were trapped in a loveless marriage?" "If you knew your wife was cheating on you?" "'Shit!" "'" "You know what, I'd probably just leave it." "Let it slide." "So, what's the best bit of metal you've ever detected?" "I know my wife." "And I know who the culprit is, Jeremy." "'That's why he brought us out here." "He's going to kill me." "'Can you kill someone with a metal detector?" "' lan, I just want to say that I know that people can be very stupid and selfish, but really, it's our fast-food culture of instant gratification you should be angry with." "Not..." "Dan." "Fucking Dan Walker." "'Oh, thank you, Dan, whoever you are.'" "Penny's probably been doing his curtains all day." "Out you lot go, I'm ramming Dan." "Oh, yeah, it was Ramadan at his place today, but he's no Muslim." "Dan." "What a filthy..." "Maybe it's time I did something." "Show Dan who the lord of the manor is around here." "What do you think?" "Er, maybe we should just..." "Yeah, let's get Dan." "Punish Dan." "There it is, Dan's barn." "Or you could just post something negative on the internet, or blank him in the Post Office, that would send out a pretty horrible message." "This is the law of the jungle, this is an eye for an eye." "And you're sure you're poking the right man in the eye?" " Light it." " (Mark) 'Well, this is not what I expected." "'You think you'll be playing Monopoly, and end up an arsonist." "'Still, at least it's not me he's trying to incinerate.'" "What was that?" "Trying to get him to poke me in the eye?" "Let him poke Dan in the eye." "So instead of you facing up to your responsibilities, poor Dan's going to wake up with his barn burned, saying goodbye to his no-claims bonus." "Stop moaning." "We're out with a man who owns guns." "You're chucking his daughter, I've screwed his wife." "Tonight is going, if a bit weird, extremely fucking well for us." "I suppose you're right." "Plus, maybe burning stuff is, not normal, but less of a big deal out here than it is in a major conurbation." "Exactly." "I nick your milk, you burn my barn." "Like scrumping for apples." "That'll teach him to put his dick where it's not wanted." "Yeah, take that, barny." "(Mark) 'Oh God, I'm a firestarter." "'A twisted firestarter.'" "Ready for your big birthday surprise?" "Yeah." "Keep up everybody." "(Jez) 'A motherfucker, that's literally what I am.'" "Happy birthday." "I hope it'll be a memorable day." "'Of course it will be." "The day she's humiliated 'and broken in front of her family.'" "What happened with the beard?" "We didn't get a chance to speak." "Oh, that." "When I was shaving, I sort of slipped, and I tried evening it out, but it just got smaller and smaller until I looked like an evil overlord, so I just lost it." "Oh, the new look." "I know." "'Yes!" "Your jurisdiction over my face is hereby rescinded." "'Shit." "But can I really break it to her?" "'Should I?" "I mean, she's lovely, she's attractive." "'She does irritate me, but everyone irritates me.'" "I wondered if you'd listen to my track." "It's probably shit, but you can smoke a joint and it might sound all right." "Mmm-hmm." "Great." "It must be amazing, London." "What's it like down the King's Road?" "Oh, cool." "It's got a Pret, it's got a Virgin Express, it's got a Gap, and a massive Cafe Nero." "Cool." "'He thinks I'm his way into the music biz." "Forget it." "Music's full.'" "Ta-da!" "Nana's cottage?" "It's yours." "And Mark's." "To do whatever you want with." "Oh, Mum!" "(Mark) 'Oh, my God." "'Nana probably needs the roof and brickwork looked at, 'but apart from that, this is premium real estate." "'Quick sale, then a cottage in the Ardennes." "Or a flat in Barcelona.'" "Oh, Mark, Nana's house, it's all ours!" "I know!" "'Who cares if I don't know if I properly love her?" "'She could have the Barcelona flat, I can live in the Ardennes." "'We'd hardly see each other.'" "You must have listened to my track by now?" " Mmm-hmm." " Yes." "What did you like about it?" "I like the lyrics." "There aren't any lyrics." "Here's Sophie, everybody, here's Sophie." "Hello, everybody." "I've got the music, hold on, stop." "I'll do the music." "MUSIC:" "Happy Birthday by Altered Images" "Happy birthday, happy birthday." "Happy birthday, happy birthday." "Happy birthday, happy birthday." "Happy birthday, sweetheart." "Oh, thanks, Dad." "'God, this old thing.'" "TELEPHONE RINGS (Mark) Happy birthday." "Come on, Mark, you've got to grasp the nettle, mate." "Don't leave it too late." "It's just, as a matter of fact, I've had a bit of a think and I'm not really sure I want to..." "I don't think I want to." "Is this because of Nana's cottage?" "God, no." "Not because of Nana's cottage." " There are a lot of factors." " Like what?" "Myriad factors, I can't just think off the top of my head." "You either love her or you don't." "Nice to see you two getting on." "What are you chinwagging about?" "Oh, just metal." "'And the fact that I don't really love you.'" "So..." "Dan Walker's barn." "Apparently it looks suspicious." "Oh, no, poor Dan." "Boo hoo, poor old Dan." "Maybe you should make that your last glass." "Poor, poor Dan." "Poor old Dan." "There's a reason you're so sad for Dan, isn't there?" "Because you're such good friends with Dan, aren't you, Pen?" "For God's sake, lan." "Dad!" "Anyone for a game of Risk?" "Let's play another game." " Cranium?" " The truth game." "Penny doesn't want to play." "How about you, Mark?" "Me?" "Tell us the truth." "The truth?" ""You can't handle the truth."" "Tell everyone." "Come clean about you and Sophie." "Do you know, I fancy a nap." "A nice relaxing nap." "Tell them you don't want to marry her." "Mark?" "That is a terrible thing to say." " Tell the truth." " The truth..." "The truth is that I love Sophie very much, and am very much looking forward to marrying her." "You, Mark, are greedy little f..." "Well, I may be many things, but at least I'm not a barn-burner." "Right, thank you." "He did it." "He made me and Jeremy watch, so we'd be accessories to the crime, but I'm breaking down your wall of silence, lan." "Even if you did threaten to break my fingers." "Is this true?" "Well, I did see him throw a petrol bomb, but I thought that might be a joke." "You back-stabbing little shits." "I'm sorry, Sophie, that wasn't true." "It's not your fault, he gets like this." "Yes, he has gone like a bit of a maniac." "In fact, I think it's probably time you took your leave, lan." "Yes, why don't you piss off up to bed and leave me to pick up the pieces as usual." "Sod you all." "(Mark) 'OK, in a way, I've made a good impression." "'I mean, it wasn't me who set fire to the barn or screwed Penny." "'In fact, I'm winning." "I'm getting half a rural cottage, 'and all I have to do is enter a loveless husk of a marriage.'" "Dad has gone to his sister's, so I'd better stay a couple more nights till Mum's feeling OK." "'Am I evil?" "I don't feel evil." "'It's a nice cottage." "He did burn the barn." "'Maybe I've gone over the edge, I no longer know right from wrong." "'Maybe I'm capable of murder." "It would make life more interesting.'" "Get yourself a nice tank of petrol." "OK, thanks." "Come back soon." "'Right." "So your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse, 'and you can wheel me out for a fuck." "No, thank you!" "'" "See you in London, Soph." "Bye, love you." "I love you too." "'It's OK, everyone says it." "'I say I love Haagen Dazs, and my broadband provider, 'and I like Sophie more than them, in most respects.'" "Let's get the hell out of here." "I'm coming to London." "Let me in, I'm coming to London too." " Floor it." " I am fucking flooring it." "CAR HORN HONKS" "Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's coming to get me" "Just say you never met me" "I'm running underground with the moles Digging holes."