"Honey, are the kids up?" "What are they doing?" "I peed." "Kevin peed the bed." "Our bed?" "Uh-huh." "All 500 thread counts of Egyptian cotton." " I'm sorry." " You're sorry?" "I don't want you to worry about it, buddy." "It'll happen again your freshman year of college, trust me." "No more sodas before bed!" "Sit down here." "But I like soda." "How you doing, big guy?" "Good morning." "Let's have a big morning!" "Let's start off with a little breakfast, get our Froot Loops." "Here's Daddy's coffee." "And I need it." "Here's your bowl of fruit, without the loops." "Why no loop?" "Daddy doesn't need loops." "I gotta eat it." "If I eat a big meal now, then I can watch what I eat later." "Otherwise, I'll get starved and raid the refrigerator." "Okay, honey." "We've got to hurry up, 'cause we got to go to hockey." "I thought you could do that because I might try to get a little bit of work done today." "Honey, we have to go by the showroom and pick out the tile." "I want you to see it." "We talked about this last week and I told you how important today was for me." "I'm Mega Man!" "May the best team win!" "Okay, guys, let's keep it down." "Keep the eyes on the..." "On the screen." "You guys doing good?" " Yes." "Honey?" "Yeah." "What do you think?" "Nickel, brushed nickel, chrome or brushed chrome?" "I like the silver ones." "They're all silver." "Well, great." "Pick out whichever knob that you like, then." "No, I'm not gonna pick whichever knob I like because you know what's gonna happen?" "Is that I'm gonna pick one and then you're gonna complain once they're in and then it'll be too late." "Hello?" "Dave, where the heck have you been?" "I'm picking out pulls." "Why have you been calling me nonstop?" "Well, you know how my credit's all screwed up because of my wife?" "But you're divorced." "I need you to cosign for my motorcycle." "What motorcycle?" "I'm buying a motorcycle." "Shane, you have no money." "Why in the world would you be buying a motorcycle that you can't afford?" "Dave, you're white." "You can't understand this." "This is something different." "Don't play the race card with me, Froot Loop." "I'll take him in." "You stay with Kevin, okay?" "Okay." "All right, go ahead." "Have fun, champ." "Go get 'em, buddy." "You should see this thing." "It's awesome." "Even Trudy loves it." "Who's Trudy?" "That's my girlfriend." "Girl from the mall?" "She's 20 years old, Dave." "Let's go." "Let's move it." "I got bikes to move." "Listen, Shane." "You are not buying some 20-year-old broad a motorcycle." "I'm not buying her anything, it's for me!" "Daddy, what's taking so long?" "Hey, baby, I'm on the phone, and I would prefer it if you didn't call me that in public." "But I call all my boyfriends Daddy!" "Dave, you gotta do this for me." "Why don't you just lease it?" "No, she'll know." "Who will know?" "She's a kid." "Buy her a Hello Kitty book." "Get her an assignment notebook and put rainbow stickers in it." "You don't have to buy her a motorcycle." "Did you or did you not say, "Move on"?" "I told you to try to work it out." "Joey's the one who told you to move on." "Can you give me a minute?" "Try to make it fast, Daddy." "Dave, I'm hurting." "I would love for my wife to come back." "But we know that's not gonna happen." "It's nice to feel appreciated." "I need this for me." "Fine." "Just text me the address." "Okay?" "Pick out a helmet, baby!" "Daddy!" "So, honey, this is the tile." "It's all gonna happen at once and I really need you to dial in." "Sweetheart, I'll help you." "I want a sugar cone." "I'm gonna hit you after this, buddy." "Okay." "Honey, you work from 8:00 to 8:00." "You're not gonna be helping anyone." "Hang on, honey, okay?" "It's just really busy right now because the video game ships this month." "Now that I have you, I just want you to dial in and tell me what you really think." "It's fine." "Do you love it?" "As much as I can love tile, I love this tile." "Okay, good, 'cause it's $1,000." "Really?" "Mmm-hmm." "Is that installed?" "Nope, just the tile." "Well, what is it made out of?" "Whale tusks?" "No, it's not made out of whale tusks." "This is so boring." "Give me just one second." "Let me just grab this." "Honey?" "We have to do this today." "Hello?" "Hello, Dave." "Joey?" "Yeah, hey." "Look..." "Just one second, that's it." "...what are you doing about the Jason thing?" "If it's Joey, can you ask him if he's coming to the party?" "Are you..." "Are you coming to the party on Sunday?" "Yeah, yeah, I'll be there." "Yeah, he's coming, all right?" "Give me one second." "Stay with Mom." "One second." "Jason's gonna be calling you, all right?" "He's got another one of his PowerPoint deals that..." "Hold on one second." "Hello?" "Hey, Dave, it's Jason." "Listen, I'd love to put something on the books with you and Ronnie." "Are you gonna make it to Kevin's birthday on Sunday?" "Yes, I am." "Now, listen, I was hoping that you guys would come down here to the firm because Cynthia and I have a PowerPoint presentation that would just play gangbusters in the conference room." "Okay, okay, hold on one second." "It's ringing." "Hello?" "Why'd you hang up on me?" "I didn't hang up on you." "You're on hold." "He's trying to get me to see another one of his PowerPoint things." "That stuff creeps me out." "It's just how he communicates." "He's..." "He's, you know..." "He's overly efficient." "Well, I don't like hearing about ball cancer, let alone looking at diagrams." "Joey, he was scared." "Tell him I'm not going." "I ain't telling him you're not going." "You know, I got him on the other line." "You can tell him yourself." "Hold on." "I don't want to..." "I don't..." "Hello, Jason?" "Yeah." "I got Joey on the line." "Hey, Joey, I've left you a bunch of voice mail messages all morning." "Where are you?" "Listen, I can't make it." "Well, we haven't even set a time yet, you know." "If you'd listened to the voice mail, you'd know that this is just a feeler call to check your temperature on schedule." "I'm not sitting through another slide show about ball cancer." "Listen, pal, I'm alive today because of early detection, all right?" "Is this about ball cancer?" ""Cause I.." " I'm not into that, either." "I'm gonna wrap this up right now." "and if you two refuse to check your scrotums for hardened nodules," "I certainly can't force you, can l?" "Look, I gotta go, all right?" "Bye+" "Dave, are you still there?" "Hello, Dave?" "Kevin!" "Kevin, that's not a real toilet!" "Sweetheart, he's pissing in the middle of the whole thing!" "Buddy, I gotta go." "But Cynthia and I are willing to offer you a life-changing opportunity." "Jason, you don't understand." "My son is literally peeing right in the middle of the store." "I gotta go." "Go, go, go." "Okay, but that's not a real toilet there." "It looks like a real toilet to me." "Yeah, it looks real." "Okay." "That's a whole other conversation." "You feel better?" "Yep." "Okay, let's button those up." "You want me to get those for you?" "Yep." "There's not a lot to say." "Sorry about that." "Mom, Dad's home." "Hi, hon." "Hey, how was your day?" "Usual." "Yours?" "Good." "Okay, love you." "Bye." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Wait a second, wait a second." "You're going out?" "Yeah, I'm going out." "What are..." "What are you wearing?" "Shorts." "Shorts?" "That's..." "That's a Maxi Pad." "Dad, they're designer shorts." "They're French." "Goodbye." "Could you just come over here?" "Sit down for a second." "I don't have time for this." "Come here." "Sit down." "No, I'm..." "I'm late and they're waiting for me." "I know, but you still live in my house for another few months, okay?" "Yeah, I know." "Now when you dress like that, you send signals." "You know what kind of guy you attract like that?" "You attract the guy with the..." "With his pants around his ass at the mall." "No, I don't!" "Yes, you do." "Sweetheart, he is right." "Lacey, I'm saying you're beautiful." "You're smart." "You're a good person." "You just got accepted into Stanford." "We're so proud of you." "I'm just saying know your value, okay?" "And if a guy doesn't see that, he doesn't deserve you." "No, and you don't want to be with those guys, honey." "Okay, then I'll go change." "Thank you." "And could you change the pictures on your Facebook page?" "Dad." "It's just 'cause we love you." "Love me less." "I don't want any bikini pictures on the Internet!" "When you're living in my house, you're a Taliban!" "Okay?" "You keep your body a secret." "Except you get to, you know, go to school and read books." "Did you send the tuition check?" "You said you were going to." "Please." "Don't start this again." "Yeah, I didn't start with it." "You just brought it up." "You're supposed to send the check." "You said you were gonna do it." "You never do anything you say you're gonna do." "Eighteen years." "Just try to hold it together for another couple months." "Trust me, I'm counting the days." "Do that hurt, Daddy, or do that feel good?" "It's both." "It hurt and it feel good." "Bang, bang." "Did you put in the wide beauty shots?" "Yeah." "Are you sure?" "Why would you ask me that?" "You know I triple-check everything." "Yeah, no, I know." "It's just, you know, super-important, okay?" "We only get one shot at it." "It'd just be nice if you could show me a little bit of trust." "I do." "Come on, I do, I do." "I just want this to be perfect, that's all." "It's not about trust." "Come on." "I want it to be perfect, too." "Good." "How old is she?" "I think she's 20." "He met her at the mall." "She was working at Foot Locker." "He was so in love with Jennifer." "I am shocked he met someone so quickly." "I know." "I was hoping they were just taking a break." "I haven't even heard from her since they split up." "I think he got us in the divorce." "You want more wine?" "Cynthia, it's time." "We're all set up in the bedroom." "Great." "Ladies?" "You're kidding, right?" "No, it's easy." "We brought our own screen." "You can't do it right now." "We're in the middle of my son's birthday party." "It won't take long and I know you"re gonna be really excited." "Bring your booze." "Okay, then." "We're taking the wine." "Watch this, guys." "Watch." "This is a really spooky ball." "Just, could you please put the ball cancer video on?" "I'm trying, Joey." "Please." "I don't want to watch that ball cancer video." "Where's Trudy?" "Oh, she's watching the magician." "Well, there it is." "Okay." "This is not a video and it is not about ball cancer." "Thank God." "That,s a first." "Jason and I are seriously considering getting a divorce." "Okay?" "So, it's no secret that Cynthia and I have had our problems trying to conceive over the last 12 months." "That's no reason to get a divorce." "No." "We know." "Of course not." "But suffice it to say, it's been more than taxing on both of us," "and it's forced us to question our entire relationship." "You two are perfect for each other." "We're just not so sure about that anymore." "We're not in a good place." "Now, this is not a decision that we're taking lightly." "Cynthia and I have been together for eight long years." "And if it's not meant to be, we just don't want to waste any more of each other's time." "Yeah." "Because, if we do get divorced, it will take at least six months to go through the five stages of grief." "For the sake of argument, let's optimistically assume it takes six months to find compatible mates." "Tack on another 12 months for courtship, an additional six months for attempting procreation..." "You can see how this starts to stack up." "Sounds like you guys are really working from the heart on this one." "Well, we're lost, Dave, and so what we need to do is we need to take the next two weeks and we need to find out whether we're gonna push forward, or whether we're gonna fold up shop." "And that is why we are going to go here." "You're on, Cyn." "Welcome to Eden." "Okay?" "The ultimate playground for couples." "It's got fun, it's got sun." "It's Disneyland for adults." "Wow." "That is amazing." "Yeah, you guys are gonna have a blast." "Actually, we have found a great group rate." "Oh, there's the fine print." "No, now..." "Now, Joey, you know, just..." "The embarrassing fact is that, you know," "Cynthia and I can't afford to go to this place by ourselves, but if all of us go together, it's half-price." "It's called the Pelican Package." "Okay?" "It's six nights, seven days and it's all inclusive." "And there are quite a few activities you can choose from." "Who here likes to eat?" "I know you guys do." "I sure do." "Right?" "Boom!" "Why not do it at a four-star restaurant?" "You guys, it has a state-of-the-art spa." "Ah." "Mmm-hmm." "They've got your kayaking, they've got your windsurfing, they've got your canoeing, they've got your jet skiing." "Wow." "It's got Couples Skill Building and snorkeling..." "Who, whoa, whoa." "Back up." "What was that last thing?" "Snorkeling?" "No, no." "Before snorkeling and after jet skiing, you said, "Couples Skill Building."" "That sounds like therapy to me." "See, that's gonna be a problem." "We don't believe in therapy." "No." "Hell to the no." "Then you don't have to do it." "That's the great thing about the Pelican Package, you guys." "It really includes everything." "Obviously, Jason and I want to partake in the Couples Skill Building, but you guys can just do the fun stuff." "So what are we asking?" "We're asking for you guys to fly to paradise and have an awesome time, okay?" "I mean, this..." "Come on, it would be a blast." "Jason, I got a job, and with everything that's going on with the house and with the kids right now, it would be impossible for us to leave them." "Yeah, we can't." "When was the last time you two took a vacation?" "Hmm?" "I mean, don't you want to go to this island and have fun, together, as a couple?" "What kind of question is that?" "That's like asking Richard Simmons, would he rather stuff his face or skip around to the oldies." "Of course he'd rather stuff his face, but he can't, 'cause he's..." "He's got to stay thin so he can..." "So he can get up and do his thing and..." "And make videos." "Maybe he needs the money." "Maybe he's got a gambling problem!" "I don't know what goes on in that dude's head!" "And I'd love to go to that island, but I can't, either." "Not 'cause I got to make videos like Rich, but I got other obligations." "Listen, I can really appreciate the situation that you guys are in." "Right, well, we need to know by midnight." "We've been on the wait list forever and these slots just opened up." "We'd need to leave next week." "Next week?" "That's right." "What happened to spontaneity?" "What happened to fun?" "I don't know." "Why don't we have a PowerPoint presentation on spontaneity and fun and figure that one out?" "Look, Cynthia and I need this trip, okay?" "I mean, really." "You know, the problem is, you know, we've stopped having fun and we're not even sure we know how to anymore, okay?" "So, what we need to find out is can we get back to the place where we really enjoy each other, you know?" "Can we get back to the place of, you know, being in love?" "Cynthia's IM-ing me." "Jason was IM-ing me all night." "What'd you tell him?" "I logged off." "The place did look beautiful." "You know what it made me think?" "It'd kind of be like we got to take our honeymoon, finally." "God, yeah." "That'd be great." "Really?" "Yeah." "Don't you think?" "I mean, I don't know, maybe it's a girl thing." "When you're a little girl, you dream about your wedding and your honeymoon..." "You know." "I was pretty lucky to get that job right away." "Yeah, of course." "I mean, I can't even imagine..." "Living in your dad's basement any longer?" "No." "It's funny how time goes so fast." "That doesn't seem that long ago." "No." "Seems like we just had so much going on and we have ever since," "but maybe the thing to do is just really buckle down over these next six months and then when we come up for air, we'll go somewhere." "That sounds like a plan." "Dave?" "Did you hear that?" "Go back to bed, honey." "What's going on?" "I think there's someone outside." "Okay, I'll check it out." "Honey, be careful." "Freeze!" "Do not move!" "Hey, don't..." "No, it's me, it's me, it's me!" "It's me!" "It's Jason!" "What's going on?" "It's fine, honey, it's Jason." "Hello!" "Why didn't you call?" "Didn't want to wake you up." "Sorry, blew that." "Back to bed." "Are you crazy?" "I could've blown your head off!" "What does that say about you, huh?" "Rapists don't gently toss pebbles at the window, Dave." "Wait, can you let me figure it out, please?" "There's too much going on." "Turn it off!" "It costs money every time this thing goes off." "Hello?" "Yeah, everything's fine." "I'm sorry." "The password is "ass-tastic." That's right." ""Ass-tastic." One word." ""Ass-tastic." "Ass-tastic." It's..." "A-S-S-T-A-S-T-I-C." "Okay?" "Ass-tastic." "That's right, it's..." "Okay." "Yeah." "No, thank you." "We're fine." "I..." "Yes, thank you." "Didn't want to go with the pet's name?" "What are you doing here, dude?" "What do you think I'm doing here?" "Jas, you're showing up to my house in the middle of the night." "Dave." "You're breaking and entering." "You're on tilt." "Yeah, I know, I'm losing my mind." "This..." "The whole fertility doctor thing is just an absolute disaster." "We don't communicate anymore." "We're fighting all the time." "We..." "The only time we have sex is, you know, when she's ovulating, and even then, it's cold." "It's emotionless." "It's..." "I don't know." "Like an oil derrick." "We used to be very, very spontaneous at that." "Now, it's..." "I don,t know." "Twice a week, tops." "That's a lot." "Is it?" "How often do you do it?" "It's different now, 'cause we got the kids, so..." "So?" "Well, my son falls asleep in the bed with us." "That shouldn't stop you." "That's disgusting." "I'm not saying he should tickle your balls." "Just move him into his room when he falls asleep." "Jason." "I can really appreciate what you're going through, but, man, this couldn't come at a worse time." "There's just no way that we can pull away from everything and go right now." "I'm sorry, but there's just no way we can go on the trip." "I'm just scared, you know." "Just scared." "You know, my whole life, everything I've known about it for the last eight years might be over, and, you know, I'm prepared to face that, you know, if it,s for the best." "If, you know..." "If it's not there anymore, then, you know," "I'll face it." "I don't want to do that alone." "And I know that Cynthia doesn't want to do that alone." "You know, we'd just..." "We'd love to have our friends there." "You know that if you go, everyone else will go." "And I have never asked you for anything." "But I am asking you for this, Dave." "Daddy?" "Hey, guys, the alarm was just an accident." "You can go back to bed." "It's just Uncle Jason." "Okay, guys." "It's fine." "Let me take you back to bed." "We want you to go on your trip." "We heard you talking at the party and you said you couldn't go because of us." "We don't want you guys to get a divorce." "What?" "What are you talking about, honey?" "We're not getting a divorce." "But we just want you to be happy." "Guys, we are happy." "We're very happy, honey." "Were you guys listening to Uncle Jason's slide show?" "Thank you, buddy." "That's great." "That was adult time." "And why do you think they were listening, Jason?" "I'm sorry about that." "We want you to go, so we called Grandpa to come take care of us." "You called Grandpa?" "You called him tonight?" "It's a three-hour drive." "Grandpa's coming to babysit us." "Is Grandpa driving down here now?" "Yay!" "Grandpa Jim Jim's here!" "You know, this has gotten way out of hand." "I'm sorry." "I just..." "I wanted five minutes of your time." "I'm so sorry." "You got..." "You got kids, you got guns, you got grandpas that, you know..." "You got to explain infertility and divorce and all that, and so you got a lot of parenting to do tonight." "I'm gonna go." "I'm gonna let myself out right here." "I will, however, take the fact that" "Grandpa Jim Jim's at the front door as a firm, tentative yes." "Pack lots of shorts." "It's really hot there." "You're gonna sweat your bag off." "Night-night, kids!" "Hi." "Welcome." "Thank you." "This place is beautiful." "Look." "Hi, hello." "Holy shit, this looks like a screen saver!" "Thanks." "Seems like he might be kind of the guy." "Come on, gang." "Hi, we are the Smith party." "Party of eight." "Eight for Smith." "Jason Smith?" "That's me." "Welcome to Eden." "My name is Sctanley." "Spelled with a "C"." "I will be escorting you to the Eden West resort." "Please, step aboard our shuttle." "No need to take your bags." "They will be waiting for you in your villas." "Excuse me." "Sorry." "Is this the shuttle for the Eden resort?" "Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the shuttle." "Raq, she's still a little buzzed from the flight." "Man, totally." "Me, too." "I don't even know what I'm doing." "Excuse me." "What name are your reservations booked under?" "The San Diego Dance Academy." "Wow." "Ah." "You ladies are actually travelling on this shuttle, to Eden East." "Bummer." "Bye." "See you." "Bye." "Bye." "Would you care to join your wife?" "Let's do it." "Shall we?" "Are they going some place else?" "Eden East." "It is an entirely different resort." "It's beautiful." "And the luggage is already in there, huh?" "Yeah." "This is yours." "Unbelievable." "The 101." " Wow." "And we can jump right out into this here?" "You can do whatever you like." "Wow." "Look at the water." "Please." "Thank you." "Wow." "Wow." "I'm gonna check the bedroom." "Okay, baby." "Look at this, baby." "Oh, my God." "Look at this." "Welcome to your villa." "It keeps getting better, huh?" "It's like a little love hut." "Wow." "This is insane!" "Honey, they got fish that you can see here through the floor!" "Baby, they got a hole where you can see the fish!" "Yeah, they got fish in here, too, baby!" "Jason, this is dreamy." "Baby, you can jump right in the ocean on this thing, and they got a hot tub on the deck!" "They got the ocean and they got the hot tub!" "You can dive in the ocean and you got a hot tub!" "Yeah, they got a hot tub in here, too!" "Oh, my God." "Yo, I gotta take a picture of this." "Did I tell you?" "Did I deliver?" "Oh, my God." "She ain't never seen nothing like this." "I roll like this!" "Shit, yeah!" "I'm glad you like, sir." "I be rolling like this." "So what goes on over there?" "I hear there's music." "Is a party for single woman and men, sir." "Yes." "How do I get over there?" "No, you cannot." "You can take the boat if you want, but not for you." "Okay, when's the boat?" "Not for me." "No, because you got married here, the west coast to Eden Resort so that's why you must keep here." "I don't understand what you're saying." "You sound like Chewbacca." "Well, my instinct is to stay married to her, but what do you think I should do?" "I mean, do you get a good vibe from us or not-so-good vibe?" "I don't know, sir." "What about this room, in particular?" "You've checked a lot of people into this room and checked a lot of people out." "Do they usually leave happier or less happy?" "I really don't know, sir." "How do I get over to the party?" "By boat or by taxi boat." "Okay." "I'd like to arrange a boat or a taxi boat." "No, it's not possible for you." "Must to stay here with your wife." "Okay, so how do I..." "Fish!" "Hello." "Where's the television?" "The main house." "There's no TV in the room?" "No, not possible." "But it's the playoffs." "As an alternative to television, might I recommend a stroll to the hidden waterfall?" "Might you recommend putting honey in my ears and having me fall asleep on an anthill?" "It's the playoffs." "Honey, the waterfall sounds amazing." "A little romance." "You'll find that the Eden program creates a palace of solitude, if you just give yourself over to it." "How's the cell service here?" "Monsieur Marcel believes that technology is a distraction." "Well, how about tipping, would that be a distraction?" "I'm kidding you." "Tipping is not permitted, nor is money of any kind." "Everything here in Eden is free." "Really?" "We do, however, accept smiles." "Did you guys hear what they have in the spa?" "With the snow?" "Did you know that they have a steam, a rain, and a snow room here?" "It's a new European spa." "What's a wahoo?" "It's a fish." "I don't eat fish." "It's out of this world." "They catch it right here." "I used to work at Red Lobster, so I know what they do with them fish in the kitchen." "But, baby, this is not like the Red Lobster." "It's a four-star restaurant." "I don't give a shit!" "It's still Mexicans cooking that shit and I know what they do to it!" "I'm one-twelfth Latina, and even if I wasn't, I'm 100% human, so I don't appreciate comments like that." "I don't make fun of tu la raza, so porfavor, please, don't make fun of mi la raza" "Oh, I'm sorry, boo." "I didn't mean no disrespect." "Yo, I was with mad Mexicans before Shane, anyway." "Good evening." "I trust you're all settled in." "Hey, my main man!" "Are you in the mood to accept some smiles?" ""Cause this spread is phenomenal." "Why don't you join us for a drink?" "You want to pull up a chair?" "We'll order some shots." "You might want to go easy on those." "You have an early morning." "Quite the contrary." "I don't have an early morning, 'cause I tell you what's gonna go down tonight." "I am going to get just a little bit tipsy." "And then I'm gonna go ahead and stuff my face on the Seafood Tower, and I plan on shutting it down in a big way." "I, if everything goes well, will be in my room, passed out on my face, come lunch-ski." "Well, I'm afraid that isn't going to be possible." "I'm here to present you with your itinerary." "Fantastic." "You guys hear that?" "This is a hard copy thing, too." "This is not like..." "This isn't like a piece of paper with an itinerary." "No." "This is like a book." "Thanks." "And the journey begins." "Couples Skill Building at 6:00 a.m.?" "Yeah, see, I was planning on sleeping in, and then maybe hitting the jet skis." "That is not part of your immediate program here at Eden West." "But it was in the slide show." "Uh-huh." "That would be more appropriate at the Eden East." "What's Eden East?" "The singles' resort." "Singles" resort?" "Here at the Eden West, our focus is on renewing bonds and nurturing neglected partnerships." "And what's your focus over there?" "Sex, mostly." "Freeing inhibitions." "I'm sure if we play our cards right' we'll be having plenty of sex here on our side." "Am I wrong, gang?" "I spent three years of therapy with Jennifer, talking about our feelings and our problems, trying to hold onto our marriage." "The last thing I want to do is talk." "Look, I think there's been a misunderstanding here." "See, we signed up for the fun stuff, with the touchy-feely shit being optional." "Thank you." "I think it's called the Pelican Package." "Yes, the Pelican Package, which is monsieur Marcel's signature course." "Great." "A healthy combination of couple-friendly activities, ample down time..." "That's the one." "...sprinkled in with some Couples Skill Building courses, designed to reignite the dimming flames of even the most mismanaged relationships." "Okay, see, these relationships are not mismanaged." "Well, thank you, Dave." "Yes." "Yeah." "I'm just saying we're here to have some fun, so we are excited about the couples' activities, as well as some down time." "It's the flame-lighting thing that does not have us inspired." "That's more suited for this particular couple here." "I don't think you're quite understanding me." "Monsieur Marcel's Pelican Package is not a fast-food restaurant wherein you pick what you want from a menu." "Monsieur Marcel is the single most-recognized couples whisperer in the entire world." "Couple whisperer?" "He has studied psychology, yoga, tai chi," "The Art of War, and combined them to form this place, Eden." "The Mecca for couples." "Mmm." "He has designed a program specifically for you." "You either partake of the entire meal or have none of it." "I think you're being a little extreme here, Mr. Belvedere." "We have a very long waiting list." "If there's been some kind of misunderstanding," "I'd be happy to refund your money, and you can go on your way." "We will, however, not be able to refund your airfare." "No, it's just that we were excited about the sightseeing and the hiking and the jet skiing and the snorkeling." "It's..." "Well, there are plenty of places that provide those activities." "Perhaps this troupe might be more comfortable at a Sandals or a Club Med." "This here is monsieur Marcel's Eden." "Now, if you're not at Couples Skill Building by 6:00 a.m.," "I'll take that as you want your refund and will not be completing the program." "Screw him!" "Where does he get the ass to run down Sandals?" "Sandals rocks." "It's just one little thing we have to do." "It'll be over in a few hours and then we have fun the rest of the day." "You know, let's just not forget why we came." "This is not what we signed up for!" "This is not what we signed up for." "I don't remember ever seeing 'mandatory,"" "but, listen, we just go with it." "Now we're on Han's Island about to do the thing with Bruce Lee." "Guys, guys, I don't think there's any reason to overreact right off the bat, okay?" "Obviously, the meal is included, from what he said, so let's just sit here, we'll weigh the pros and cons from a calm place, we'll make a decision." "That was amazing." "Oh, might have been the best meal I've ever had." "Well, could be a full week of those." "What are you doing?" "Your last course." "Dessert." "It is so beautiful here." "I can't wait to go see that waterfall." "The weather is perfect, we got huts on the water, and now I am eating art." "So we give up a little bit of our day to talk about feelings." "How bad can it really be, right?" "Welcome to Eden Resort." "I am Marcel." "Hi." "Morning." "I know why you are all here." "You are here to seek the answer to the most commonly asked question by all," "how do we make it work?" "How?" "I have laid out a personalized program designed to challenge you all, both as couples and as individuals." "If you follow diligently my program, the answer to this question will be revealed to you, as well as your inner animal spirit." "This I promise." "I do not, however, promise that you and your chosen partner will have what it takes to sustain it." "Please, line up on the beach." "Take your places." "Out here?" "This way." "Men on one line, facing the ocean." "Women, back to the water." "Now remove your mask." "Undress!" "Oh." "All right." "It's a freeing exercise." "This is starting to get a little creepy now." "It'd mean a lot to me if you"d just take your pants off, all right, Dave?" "Is that why you brought me here?" "This is..." "What is this?" "You must undress, my friend." "I'm afraid that's not a option for me today, you know, man." "It's the program." "Right." "I don't have any drawers, though." "Well, Sctanley said he had this conversation with you last night." "Now, if you've chosen to stay, you've chosen to participate." "Now, if you're not wearing any drawers, then, hey, that was meant to be." "Let it all hang out." "Explore." "Explore with your eyes." "Explore your mate." "We are all made in God's image." "That means we are all perfect." "Stand with pride." "Look closer." "Own your bodies." "And now, tell your partner a truth." "A beautiful truth." "You look like the earth." "What?" "Why are you listening to what I'm saying?" "Why don't you have your own conversation?" "It's hard to have my own conversation when you're telling Cynthia that she looks like the earth." "Did you hear what I said?" "Yeah." "I'm not really sure I like that one." "Well, I just mean that, you know, you look bountiful." "Okay?" "Fruitful." "Fertile." "Okay." "Now this is getting uncomfortable." "Please, make a palace of solitude between you and your partner." "Why are you wearing trousers?" "I explained to the guy in the dress that I didn't have any drawers on." "Yes, but this exercise is about owning your body." "Mmm." "What is your name, dear?" "Trudy." "Trudy." "What a beautiful name." "Please, tell him that you love his body." "For real?" "Yes." "I love your body." "Really?" "Of course!" "So powerful, so strong." "Powerful frame with layer upon layer of dormant, relaxed muscle, waiting, like a panther, to pounce on its quivering prey." "Please, take off his pants." "Yes." "I'm not ready to pounce today." "Yes." "I don't have any drawers." "No." "No." "Right here, baby." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Hair!" "Sorry, I'm sorry." "Careful." "Here it comes." "Here it comes." "Wonderful!" "Stare at it!" "Stare at all of it." "Is his junk out?" "Yep." "Is his junk literally out of his pants?" "Yep." "Now it's a party." "How would you describe your relationship?" "Average." "Great, yeah." "Great." "Average." "I mean, yeah." "And, to clarify, what is an "average, great" relationship?" "Well, we..." "We make it through things pretty good together." "You know, we have two great kids." "No one's called 911 in the middle of the night." "Like there's not domestic violence in the..." "The..." "Yeah." "Ronnie, when you say you 'make it through things together,"" "what do you mean?" "Well, you know, the usual stuff." "Work, kids." "I'm much less interested in "the usual stuff"" "and much more interested in your particular stuff." "So, what do you make it through together, specifically?" "Well, right now, specifically," "Dave is dealing with his new launch of his video game, Guitar Hero." "He sells Guitar Hero." "And I am dealing with the renovations." "That's interesting." "What's interesting?" "Why do you keep writing stuff down on your little pad there?" "Oh, I'm taking notes." "Would it make you more comfortable if I didn't take notes?" "Yeah, actually, it would make me more comfortable." "Thank you." "That's interesting." "So we want to make the most of our time here on the island, so what we did was we put together a little informational packet to bring you up to speed on our relationship." "Go ahead." "That's for you." "It just contains pertinent medical data, family histories, you know, stuff like that." "Everything but a mix tape." "How would you characterize your marriage?" "Perfect." "Fantastic." "Well, let's start with something easy, then." "What's your favorite thing about your partner?" "Uh..." "She's a good mom." "He really is a great dad." "And where did you meet?" "School." "High school." "High school." "Yeah." "She was a cheerleader" " I was on the football team." "Fullback." "I coach now, but I used to play." "And we had..." "We actually had our daughter..." "We..." "On prom night, we conceived Lacey and it was a little confusing at the time, but it's been a blessing." "It's been the best thing that's ever happened to us." "It's been the best thing that ever happened to us." "We did the right thing." "How often do you have sex?" "She wants me to be tougher, screw harder." "Work less, but bring home more." "I can't keep this shit straight." "All I know is, whatever I do, it's not good enough." "Mmm." "It's over." "Then why are you here?" "This is not my wife." "This is Trudy." "I met her a couple weeks ago." "Can we go boogie boarding now?" "And once people knew what we were going through," "I think my cortisol levels just shot up through the roof." "Because it's difficult to go through a very private struggle publicly." "I heard what you think, but you know what I'm really interested in is hearing about how you feel." "Just tell her how you feel." "Well, I think if you looked at everything that..." "No, no, no, no." "Just..." "Don't explain intellectually how you feel." "You know, just tell her how you feel." "In one word." "Sure." "Angry." "Cynthia?" "Judged." "Very good." "Yes?" "Progress." "Excited." "Relieved." "That is it." "Yeah." "We're awesome at feelings!" "Okay." "Nice job today, guys." "That's all for today?" "Great job." "That's all for today." "All right, well, great." "Yeah." "How did we do?" "Did we do good?" "I mean, are we gonna make it?" "Well, you know, it's just our first session, you know." "We're not looking for an end result here." "It's not a competition." "I get all that, but have you seen couples that are worse off than us?" "Yeah." "Or are we that far gone?" "We're..." "Are you gonna put a..." "Like a numerical value on it?" "You know, Doc?" "Like a one to 10?" "One being worst, 10 being best?" "No, hang on one second." "Where would you put us?" "Right where you are, sir." "What if someone put a gun to your head right now and said," ""You have to answer this second or I'll shoot." ""Are they gonna make it?" What do you say?" "What would you say?" "Whoa!" "Okay, no one has a gun to my head, Mr. Smith." "It's hypothetical." "It's not a place for inappropriate behavior." "And you definitely don't pull a hypothetical gun on your therapist." "Sorry." "It's okay." "Let's clear the karma." "Okay?" "I'll holster this." "See, you know, I work 10 hours a day, so by the time I come home, I'm exhausted." "It's not that I don't want to answer questions about the house renovation." "I really just don't want to answer questions about anything." "But, you know, you may just be shutting your mind off, but it can feel like you're shutting your partner off as well." "Again, that's a caution area." "And just as a point of interest, when you speak that way, David, you're really de-prioritizing your teammate." "Excuse me?" "It's called "crossing emotional boundaries."" "Or, more commonly, "bulldozing." And it's ugly." "Ronnie, when you spoke earlier of..." "Let me just find it in my notes here." "There it is+ You said, "We make it through things well together."" "That doesn't sound very fun." "You don't want to look back and say, "I made it through my life."" "We want to enjoy our projects, enjoy our work week." "We want to enjoy our lives, celebrate our lives." "And all this talk about my project and his work, and my this and his that, and mine and his, and mine and..." "It,s..." "Where's us in all that?" "Where is our journey?" "I don't hear it." "And it's because it's not there." "Listen." "I'm not saying that there's not some really stressful times sometimes, because there is, but it works for us." "Does it?" "I don't know." "Oh, gosh, I don't know, you guys." "There's no "us." There's no "we."" "You two could be perfect strangers." "I think the one thing that we can agree on, today, is that you guys should be doing a lot better than just "works."" "Pretty sure that's why you're here." "Oh." "That's it." "Great." "Great job, everybody." "Thank you." "Lucy?" "Good day, sir." "I got room service for you." "I'm very sorry." "I didn't order that." "I think your wife, she called me for you." "I'm..." "This is just..." "Because I got a sunburn, 'cause it was..." "The sun was very strong today." "Yeah." "I know." "This is good for sunburns, right?" "No." "Okay." "It's good, yeah?" "It's good for sunburn?" "Okay, so I don't see anything." "See what?" "There's nothing to see." "Yeah, yeah, no, no, no." "It works great." "Okay, I move now." "No." "That was." "." "That was..." "There's nothing to move." "I..." "I was..." "I had a sunburn." "Good night, sir." "Now we will enjoy looking at the fish!" "See and take in with your eyes all the beauty the ocean has to offer!" "As these new things come at you, you may not have seen them before, but be open to them and find the beauty within." "Hey, buddy." "Yep." "Thanks a lot for bringing me to Problem Island." "What are we gonna do for an encore?" "Talk about all the people that we slept with before we were married and really stir shit up?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "The therapist is trying to create a problem in my marriage that doesn't exist!" "Maybe he's not creating them, maybe he's just noticing them." "Okay, you know what?" "Don't start with me." "I'm serious." "I don't need it." "These are the best in the world at what they do, all right?" "If Jeff Gordon told you that your oil was low, you might want to think about changing it." "From the bucket, feed them!" "My therapist is kind of pushy." "Really?" "Yeah." "God, I like ours." "Yeah, he said that Dave and I take each other for granted." "That, you know, our relationship has become more like a job." "How do you mean?" "For example, he says that Dave is de-prioritizing me, that he doesn't pay attention to what I actually want." "Yeah, but, honey, that's just Dave being Dave, you know?" "Yeah." "But so then, what if Dave being Dave is sort of like" "Dave bulldozing me?" "Please continue to look at the fish!" "Enjoy them as they come at you!" "I get it, dude, it's advanced snorkeling." "Dave..." "Hey, I'm trying to do this exercise!" "Why don't we talk about this during down time, okay?" "This might be what the therapist is referring to." "You're missing out on life." "It's happening right now, out here, all around us, all right?" "And you're too busy complaining about your problems to enjoy all these beautiful little fish that are..." "Marcel!" "Yes?" "Marcel, we have a real problem here!" "It is not a problem!" "It is a circle of life!" "The circle of life is circling our lives right now!" "Do not move, do not panic." "Shark!" "What?" "Shark!" "Jason!" "Okay, it's all happening, Marcel!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Don't worry!" "Wait!" "These are only lemon sharks!" "This is all part of the course." "It is like life." "Like in relationships." "They will not attack unless they feel attacked!" "Marcel, I need you to take the French out of your mouth and tell me what to do!" "Don't let them see your fear." "Okay, I think we just hold tight, we play it cool, we don't make a move." "What was that?" "What?" "What was that?" "Jason, stop..." "He said not to panic!" "He said not to panic!" "I'm sitting in blood!" "I'm sitting in blood!" "Marcel, this isn't a drill, buddy!" "You got real sharks here!" "It's time to get the guns' and it's time to shoot some fish!" "Here on Eden, there are no guns!" "You got an American life at stake." "One life is not more important than another." "What do I do?" "My friends and my wife left me to die." "You must get out of the chum, but slowly." "Okay." "Swim slowly out of the chum!" "Slowly." "Slowly." "Yes, yes." "Slowly, baby!" "Stop!" "I don't know what to do." "I don't know if I'm standing still or I'm swimming." "Swim now!" "Stop!" "They're torturing me!" "They're playing with me!" "They're slow-playing me!" "Shoot them!" "Swim slowly." "Swim, swim, swim." "Save yourselves!" "Go to shore!" "It's too late!" "They've got me!" "It's only a matter of time!" "There's no sharks around you, honey." "You're safe now, baby." "I don't know what's going through my mind!" "I'd love some ice cream." "What?" "I'd love some ice cream, with maybe some pecans in it!" "Couples' massage is part of your program and so important." "It gives you the chance to bond, relax, reconnect." "We prefer to bond on our own." "Okay, would you prefer male or female therapists?" "What would you recommend more for like a nurturing, pampering, motherly energy?" "Would that be a man or a woman, do you think?" "A woman." "Well, I'm just so tight in my shoulders." "Do you have any..." "Let me see." "We do have a male masseur available, madam." "Daddy, I can't wait to get my drink on tonight!" "Damn!" "Is this whole thing uphill?" "Where's the downhill part?" "We gonna get our groove on tonight." "Right, Daddy?" "Of course, baby." "You know how we do it." "Well, hello." "Hi." "Lucy." "Yes." "Excellent." "Who are you?" "I am Xavier and I will be your man-seur for today." "Xavier?" "Yes." "Mmm." "Twenty, 30, 40, 50..." "Hi." "Joey." "Yes." "What's your name?" "Gert." "What a beautiful name." "Well, thank you." "Do you mind if I heat up the lotion?" "No." "Heat that lotion up." "The hotter the better." "What kind of massage do you want?" "You left it blank." "Korean?" "Korean?" "I am not familiar with Korean." "Dealer's choice." "Whatever releases the most tension." "Mmm." "Oh, that feels so good." "Thank you." "I can't tell you how much I need this." "It has been a long time." "Oh, I love pleasuring people." "So do I." "I mean, it's not my job, but it is a job that I love doing, if you know what I mean." "I know exactly what you mean." "So, Joey, do you have any problem areas?" "I hold a lot of tension in my upper thighs." "We'll get to your upper thighs." "It's just the top of my quads." "As a matter of fact, if you want to do, like, the full 80 minutes on the thighs, I'm good." "Whatever you want." "Oh, I need this." "You have no idea." "Oh, you got great hands." "Okay, Joey, what I want you to do for me is just close your eyes." "Quiet that mind, okay?" "Just listen to my voice." "Feel the sound slide down my throat and come out through my mouth." "Down my throat, come out through my mouth." "Down my throat..." "Keep..." "Keep going, keep going." "Sir, I'm so sorry." "No, no, no." "Don't be sorry." "You shouldn't be sorry." "No, I aroused you." "You should be proud." "This hasn't happened to me in a long time." "Are you attempting to have a manual stimulation from me, sir?" "Am I..." "I am here on a couples retreat with my wife in the other room." "My husband Scott is just like a cat." "Scott?" "My husband." "I'm trying to save my marriage here." "Look what you did to me." "Well, that wasn't my intention, sir." "It wasn't mine, either, and now I'm humiliated." "Well, I'm sorry." "You told me not to think." "Well, when I don't think, this is what happens." "You can't leave me all backed up like this." "What do you want me to do, sir?" "I don't know." "We got to figure out a solution." "You know, let's not take anything off the table." "Let's start brainstorming." "We"re both in a maze together, okay?" "How do we get the cheese?" "I'm sorry, sir, but that is not gonna have a happy ending." "Give me the oil." "Go grab a smoke." "Daddy, this is awesome!" "Yo, they should put me up in a video on this bitch!" "Don't go chasing waterfalls" "Stick me in the ocean I'm gonna make it look real good" "You go, girl." "Daddy's got to ice his knee, baby, okay?" "If you just let me recharge my battery," "I promise, this'll be more for you later, okay?" "Technically, I was bit by a shark." "Were you bit or were you nipped?" "I mean, if you had been bit, you probably would have lost a great deal of blood and..." "What difference does it make to you two, anyway, what you would call it?" "It hurt." "And I had shark teeth penetrate my skin." "And besides, Jason, it's your fault that it happened." "The only reason I got bit in the first place is because you did the worst thing you could possibly do in that situation." "You panicked and you threw a bucket of chum in my face." "I did the prudent thing and I got the hell out of the water." "There were sharks in there, David." "What was I supposed to do?" "You know what?" "Remember it however you want to and I'll remember it how it actually happened." "Dave." "I mean, really, did they penetrate your skin?" "Do you really need that bandage?" "Lucy, I don't know what to tell you, okay?" "You tell me if I need the bandage." "It looks like you scraped yourself on the ladder, maybe, on the way out." "I'm sorry?" "Did you get out of the water abruptly?" "Hey, I don't know how to explain it to you." "Maybe I have tough skin." "Perhaps lemon sharks don't leave that bad of a mark." "Maybe they're pack animals and they're marking me for later." "I don't know." "Dave, I was in a car accident once, okay?" "And it was really scary, I had nightmares." "But when..." "I've been in a car accident, too." "Have you ever been bit by a shark?" "I was never bit by a shark." "I'm just saying that I understand." "My..." "Say it again." "I was in a car accident." "No, say the last part." "I was never bit by a shark." "That's it!" "Then you shouldn't talk about it." "And I'm not gonna sit here and try to explain myself to a bunch of black and white suburban trash who don't know a damn thing about the ocean." "And you understand the ocean, honey?" "I have some real field experience, honey, yeah." "I had a shark attack." "I'm part of a very elite group." "Like people who have been struck by lightning." "Not everyone can say that they've had that and maybe that's what's going on here today." "You know what?" "I don't want to get in an argument with it." "I really don't." "You know what?" "I'm really exhausted." "It's been a long day." "I'm gonna go back to the room." "You want to come with me?" "Baby, I thought we were gonna go to the waterfall tonight and have a little alone time." "Sweetheart, I'm a shark attack survivor." "I'm fried." "Honey, I think the fear was a lot worse than the actual attack, which I can totally appreciate, but the good news is you weren't hurt, so let's not ruin the evening over it." "I'm sorry?" "Honey, you weren't hurt." "Good night." "Dave!" "Where you going?" "Dave." "Come on, okay, you got bit by the shark." "You got bit, I believe you!" "We're here all the time, so let's take that opportunity to go to bed." "Honey, we'll go to the waterfall with you." "We'll grab our drinks and go." "Yeah." "We could all go together." "It'll be beautiful." "Hon?" "I was thinking that maybe we might go back to the room, huh?" "Bolt the door, draw the shades, huh?" "Just shut the whole world out and sit Indian-style and really explore our feelings." "Daddy!" "Wake up!" "It's too deep!" "Yo, you having a nightmare." "You ain't even in the water." "It's night time." "Look, you said we was gonna have fun, so let's get up, let's dance, let's do a shot, let's do something." "Anything." "Baby, let's just go back to the room, all right?" "I don't want to go back to the room." "I don't want to go to sleep." "We're not going to sleep." "We're not?" "Mmm-mmm." "What we gonna do in there?" "For real?"