"Morning, boss man." "Hey." "Morning, Joe." "Big day tomorrow, huh?" "You stoked?" "What?" "You stoked." "It's a slang expression." "It means excited." "Yeah, thanks, Joe, but stoked about what?" "Tomorrow." "It's a big day." "Yeah, but" "Big day tomorrow, huh?" "Yeah, so I hear." "You nervous?" "Well, actually," "I'm not sure what's so big about the" "I get so nervous before the big day." "Oh, really?" "Oh yeah." "Well, what's so big about the" "No, I don't even want to talk about it." "Makes me too nervous." "Here's your phone sheet, boss." "Oh, thank you, Beth." "Beth, what day is tomorrow?" "April 19th." "And what's so special about that?" "That's the big day, Dave." "Yeah, but what is, uh..." "Morning, chief." "Morning, Bill." "Uh..." "Big day tomorrow, huh?" "What's so big about it?" "You know, it's" " Tomorrow." "You know, it's the big day." "Tomorrow?" "The, uh, you know, the big day." "You know, April 19th." "Big..." "You're going to have to give me a little more to go on here." "Well, actually, Bill, I have no idea." "I was hoping you might be able to help me..." "Hey, you're right." "Tomorrow is the big day." "Thanks for reminding me!" "Give up?" "Yep." "Tomorrow, April 19th, is the day" "Jimmy gives us all our annual bonuses." "Oh, yeah." "That is a big day." "Yes, it is." "That's the kind of thing the news director ought to know about, Dave." "Yeah, well, I'm learning these things as I go along." "You've already been here for two months." "Thank you for your patience." "Any time." "Big day tomorrow, huh?" "Oh, what's so big about it?" "You know, April 19th, the day Mr. James gives out the bonuses." "Oh, you don't say?" "Who's Mr. James?" "You don't work here, do you?" "Only when the copy machine breaks down." "You enjoyed that, didn't you?" "I certainly did." "[♪]" "See, and then you just click on "open file"..." "Select a name..." "Mm-hmm..." "And voilà." "Well, that really is something." "Yeah, and if you get a fax modem, you could download these into your own own computer." "Yeah, well, you know, thanks, Joe, but I've never really been much of an aficionado on computer pornography." "Me neither, man." "It's the technology that fascinates me." "Joe, if I click on this button, can I erase this file?" "No, no." "If you click on that one, that makes the legs move." "Oh, you know, uh, I'll just, uh..." "Run a systems diagnostics on that later." "Yeah, yeah." "If you know what I mean." "Well, of course I don't, but thanks." "Hi." "Oh, hi." "Mm." "Oh, could I ask you a favor?" "Yes." "Personal or professional?" "Well, both." "Okay." "Would you mind not wearing my jacket when you go to get the paper in the morning?" "How is that professional, Dave?" "Well, it's just that, you know, your perfume sort of gets into the fabric, and then, you know, I walk around smelling like you and, you know, I think it might make people suspicious." "Now, wait, let me see." "Can you smell it?" "Beth, do you ever knock?" "Nope, and neither does Mr. James, who happens to be right behind me." "Oh." "How are we?" "Um, you got a little lipstick right there." "Mm-hmm?" "Great." "Bra strap's showing." "Just kidding." "Good morning, Mr. James." "Good morning, Beth." "Morning, Jimmy." "Mm, nice perfume." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Sweet girl, isn't she?" "Yes, she certainly is." "Uh-huh." "Got a thing for her?" "No, of course not." "Good." "Don't dip your pen in company ink." "That's what I always say." "I hear you, sir." "Don't punch the clock with the timecard in your pants." "You know what I'm saying?" "I said I heard you, sir." "You know you can get these in color now, Dave." "Uh, so, big day, huh?" "Exactly." "Big day." "Are you stoked?" "Uh, yeah, yeah, I suppose so, sir." "And you?" "Me?" "I'm miserable, Dave." "Yeah, figuring out the annual bonuses is pure hell." "Oh?" "Why?" "Well, you got to take a living, breathing human being and put a dollar value on his head." "It's the devil's work, Dave." "It's bad hoodoo." "Yeah, it sounds like it." "Yeah." "It used to be the hardest part of my job." "Oh, what changed it?" "I made it the hardest part of your job." "When did that happen?" "Just now." "Ah, well, thank you, sir." "Yep." "Hello, Jimmy." "Oh, hello, Bill." "You know, Dave, uh..." "[SNIFFS]" "Lisa's perfume really lingers, doesn't it?" "Is that what that smell is?" "You know what I actually think that is?" "I think that's the stuff they use to clean the carpet in here." "Yeah..." "Jimmy, can I borrow Dave for a second?" "Oh, sure." "If you don't need me in the next 45 seconds, you know where I'll be." "In the, uh..." "Yeah, in the can, Dave." "Yeah." "All right." "I just have a few questions for you, chief." "Okay." "Whose desk is this?" "Uh, yours, Bill." "Right, and whose stapler is this?" "Look, Bill." "Humor me." "Whose stapler is this?" "Yours?" "And this tape roll?" "Yours, Bill." "Why?" "Uh-uh-uh, Dave." "Now, whose cup of coffee is this?" "Yours?" "That's where you're wrong." "That is not my cup of coffee, nor is this my whatever-the-hell this is." "Well, look, Bill, I didn't put them there." "I'm not accusing you, but recently, my desk has become a public dumping ground for half-eaten food." "Well, look, Bill, you're hardly ever at your desk." "It's in a high-traffic area." "Now, I would assume this was a mistake." "So why don't you just throw it out and forget about it?" "What am I supposed to do the next time I find a cup of that and one of those on my desk?" "Throw them out and forget about it." "And the next time?" "Throw them out and forget about it." "I think I've made my point." "You know, Bill, you're being paranoid." "And annoying." "Am I, Dave?" "Am I?" "It's like some cruel magic trick!" "Dave!" "Your office, please?" "There's a few guidelines" "I'd like you to follow for these bonuses." "Oh, sure, sir." "Here you are." "Here you go." "Oh, thanks." ""Tessio Brothers, Incorporated"?" "Yeah, it's just a little company" "I do business with." "Oh." "What do they do?" "They make pens." "Anyway, Dave..." "I like to give everyone a bonus of $400." "$400." "Okay." "That shouldn't be too hard." "Except for one person, who gets a bonus of $3000." "3000?" "Yeah." "Three fat louies, or as I call it, the big bonus." "It's a great motivator, Dave." "Yeah." "You're very generous, sir." "Yeah." "Thanks." "I'd also like to give one person a bonus of zero dollars." "Zero?" "Yeah, zero dollars, or as I call it, the shaft." "That's an even better motivator, Dave." "Oh, uh, well, you know, sir, the standard bonus of $400?" "I think that's great." "I think that's terrific." "But the big bonus and, uh, the, uh, the shaft... now, I think that's just going to generate an atmosphere of paranoia and fear in the office." "I see." "So, you figure out who gets what," "I'll deliver the news." "I'll tell you what." "Don't mention who's making the decision." "I don't want anyone to get ticked off at you." "Oh, well, thank you, sir." "So if no one's going to miss me for the next two minutes," "I'll be, uh..." "In the can." "What?" "In the can?" "No, I got to make a phone call." "I'm sorry, sir." "I'll leave you to that, then." "You do that." "Did Mr. James drop any hints about who's getting the shaft this year?" "No, Matthew," "I don't think that's been figured out yet." "Okay, well, it better not be me." "I'll tell you that." "I take it you've gotten the shaft before?" "Three times, David." "I've been working here for three years, and..." "I have been thrice shafted." "It does not feel good, my friend." "Well, I can imagine." "[DOOR OPENS]" "Hang on." "Yeah." "No." "Hang on." "No, no." "I think the reception's much better out here." "Yeah." "No." "There you go." "Okay, now, say something." "Uh-huh." "That's better." "That's better." "That's better." "Yeah, it's almost" "That is..." "That is..." "Perfectly clear." "Yeah." "That's great." "I got to go." "David, can I clear my live spots with you?" "I've got so many of them today." "Hi, Mr. James." "Matthew, we cleared those yesterday." "I'm going to be at the Pataki press conference, then vroom, right over to that public schools chancellor for a 30-second interview." "Yeah, Matthew, I know that" "And then after work, which is nothing new to me," "I'm going to be working on that taxi commission piece." "Dave, I've got to go." "I'll see you." "Okay." "See you, Mr. James." "Busy, busy, busy." "Matthew the workaholic." "That's what they're starting to call me." "I'd better slow down or my heart might burst." "Matthew, what are you doing?" "I'm just trying to look busy in front of Mr. James." "I'm worried that he notices that I come in late and I'm always leaving early." "You do?" "Yeah, but don't tell Mr. James, please." "I got to avoid that shaft." "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Matthew's desk." "David." "Hmm?" "Oh." "Hello." "Hi, Bill." "What" "All right, Bill." "I'll take care of it." "Bill, I'll take care of it!" "Would you mind not eating that there?" "[TELEPHONE RINGS]" "Matthew's desk." "Tell him I'm not here, Matthew." "Um, he stepped out for a minute." "Can I take..." "some kind of message or..." "[NO AUDIO]" "Say, Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?" "Bill, I think that would be Shaft." "And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?" "JOE:" "Again, Bill, we're talking about Shaft." "Damn right." "You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother" "Shut up, you guys." "JIMMY:" "Hey, what's going on?" "We're just talking about Shaft." "I can dig it." "You guys are so mean." "Sir, I really wanted to talk to you about these bonuses." "Oh, you want to give Matthew the shaft?" "I like the way you think, Dave." "Well, sir, I don't want to give the shaft to anybody." "But you got to." "That's a great motivator." "I mean, it's all about motivation, Dave." "Yeah, well, yeah" "Hey, hey, I didn't think motivation was important either till I got involved with some motivational seminars, and it really..." "Really changed my life." "Really?" "That surprises me." "I didn't think you were the sort of person that would attend one of those." "No, I don't." "I put them together." "Pack a few hundred suckers into a motel ballroom, hire an out-of-work actor to paraphrase the opening scene from Patton, charge them 500 bucks a pop, and boom!" "Bob's your uncle." "Okay, well, sir, this is what I'd really like to do." "I'd like to drop the big bonus, forget about the shaft, and just give everybody an equal bonus." "Well, now, how are you going to motivate people?" "Uh..." "Buzz!" "Time's up." "Come on." "Buzz!" "Time's up again." "Sir, I-- Buzz, buzz, buzz." "That was the final buzzer, Dave." "This game is over, son." "...has been rejuvenated by higher newsstand sales and increases in ad revenue." "WNYX news time:" "11:46." "Dave, I just wanted to talk to you." "Bill, would you just relax?" "It's that guy with the beard." "He's been circling my desk all morning, just waiting for me to turn my back." "Look, there, he's walked away." "He knew I was watching." "Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?" "No, I just wanted you to tell Jimmy that 3000 wasn't going to be enough for me this year." "Pardon me?" "The big bonus, the one Jimmy gives me almost every year for my consistent level of excellence." "I mean-- That's right." "Go ahead." "Set it down." "Oh, okay, perhaps another time." "You're very sly, but so am I." "Bill, I've got work to do." "D-D-Dave, listen, uh, just tell Jimmy," ""Bigger big bonus."" "Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Who did this?" "Whose food is this?" "This desk is not a steam table." "Whose food is this?" ""Bill McNeal"?" "Oh, right." "Uh..." "What are you doing, Dave?" "I'm still trying to figure out these bonuses." "Look, Beth, you haven't told anyone I'm deciding these, right?" "Your secret is safe with me." "Why don't you just give me the big bonus, Dave?" "I'll get you a cup of coffee." "Okay, you've got a deal." "You called my bluff, Dave." "Why don't you at least help me try to narrow this down, okay?" "Okay, now, I assume you are giving Lisa the big bonus, right?" "I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis." "No." "No, I am not." "Oh." "I mean, just because Lisa and I are dating, that doesn't mean I'm going to give her the big bonus." "Ooh." "You do know that Lisa is absolutely certain she's getting the big bonus, don't you, Dave?" "Oh?" "Yeah." "Oh..." "Okay, Beth, would you get Lisa for me?" "Sure." "Lisa, Dave wants you!" "You're not giving her the shaft, are you, Dave?" "I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?" "For God's sake, Beth, were you raised by truckers?" "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Lisa, you know how we always say that our relationship should be based on total truth and honesty?" "Oh, no." "You're not cheating on me already, are you?" "No, I just" "I have something I have to tell you." "Sorry." "Mr. James isn't giving out the bonuses this year." "Huh?" "I am." "Great!" "Great, because I don't want this to cause any problems for us, you know, relationship-wise." "No, no, I don't see why it should." "It doesn't matter who gives me the big bonus, Dave." "As long as I get it." "Uh-huh." "I am getting the big bonus, right, Dave?" "Lisa, considering the fact that we are dating, we do have to be aware of how it would look" "Dave, nobody knows we're dating." "Beth knows." "Well, Beth can be dealt with." "Great." "So, what, eventually we'll have to whack the entire staff?" "Look, Dave, I deserve the big bonus and you know it." "Yes-- You do the math." "Lisa, come on." "Don't do this." "Come on, let's talk about this." "Hey, Dave, I was just out there doing my job, and I just thought of something really funny you should pass along to Mr. James." "Oh yeah?" "What's that?" "Well, somewhere on this floor is a switch that controls all the power to the station." "Yeah?" "What's so funny about that?" "I don't know." "It just makes me giggle." "You know what's even funnier?" "What's that?" "I'm the only one who knows where it is." "Hey, Joe, you know, I'm new to these parts, but where I come from, we call that a threat." "Yeah, that's what we call it here too, Dave." "John Shaft." "All right, Matthew, what message would you like me to pass along to Mr. James?" "Wait, a minute." "Let me guess." "You need an operation or what?" "No, no, no." "I don't need you to tell Mr. James anything for me because I'm going to do it myself." "Matthew, you really don't want to do that." "Yeah." "I'm going to go down to his offices downtown." "Matthew, you really don't want to do that." "I'm going to march right up to him and I'm going to tell him to his face that if he gives me the shaft one more year, there is going to be trouble." "Yeah?" "What kind of trouble, Matthew?" "Big trouble." "Uh-huh." "Hey, I don't get mad very often, but when I do, it does mean trouble." "I don't think Mr. James is the sort of man that tolerates, you know, this kind of violent outburst." "David, I'm at my breaking point, okay?" "Uh-huh." "I am now officially on a rampage." "All right." "That's it." "What?" "No." "I'm sorry." "I" "Beth?" "Beth..." "Would you please call the staff to the conference table for a meeting?" "Staff to the conference table for a meeting!" "Tell them it's about the bonuses." "It's about the bonuses." "[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]" "No, but history has a way of repeating itself." "When is it going to repeat?" "Okay, okay." "Let's settle down, please." "Settle down, please." "Lisa, would you like to have a seat?" "No, Dave, I wouldn't." "Okay, look, I think we need to talk about this whole bonus situation, all right?" "Dave, before you continue, I just want to say that I'm 100% behind whatever decisions Mr. James makes regarding the bonuses." "Well, calm down, Bill." "Mr. James isn't even in the building." "Oh." "Then why are we pretending to have a meeting?" "Well, because, Bill," "Mr. James isn't giving out the bonuses this year." "I am." "Dave, before you continue, I just want to say that I'm 100% behind whatever decisions you make." "Thank you, Bill." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "David, please don't give me the shaft." "Matthew, I don't want to give anyone the shaft, all right?" "Now, I have a solution." "Now, we can't tell Mr. James about this, but I propose that we just pool all the bonus money and divide it equally amongst us." "So everyone gets an equal bonus." "And no one gets the shaft." "No one gets the shaft." "Okay, I think this idea's a winner." "Thank you, Matthew." "This idea is both fair and democratic." "Yes, it is." "And I want no part of it." "It reeks of Communism." "It penalizes the person who most deserves the bonus, and speaking as that person, I cannot support it." "Okay, Bill, but what if you don't get the big bonus?" "I'll take my chances." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Well, okay." "Thank you all for your honesty..." "Not to mention your sickening greed." "Oh, Catherine," "I think you might want to join us for this." "What's going on?" "Well, I'm deciding the bonuses." "Do you really need me for this, Dave?" "Well, Catherine, this is your last chance to put your two cents in." "Well, I guess I don't really have any opinion on this." "Sorry." "Congratulations, Catherine." "You're getting the big bonus." "Oh, come on!" "What?" "I'll settle for-- Too late, Bill." "JOE:" "That's a waste of the big bonus!" "She doesn't even care!" "Well, that's kind of the point." "The big bonus?" "Yeah." "Is that good?" "Yes, it is, yes, it is." "And who gets the shaft?" "I'll be taking the shaft just to make you all feel guilty." "God bless you, David." "The rest of you, the standard $400 bonus." "Thank you all for your cooperation." "So, what's the big bonus, you guys?" "You can drop it, Cathy." "He's gone." "Sorry, gang." "I guess you just got to know how to play the game, honey." "JIMMY:" "Dave," "I've had a few thoughts about the bonuses." "I want you to give Joe an extra 300." "Well, consider it done." "And while you're at it," "I want you to give Lisa the big bonus." "I've already given it to Catherine." "Well, give another one to Lisa, and I want you to give Beth another 150 or so." "Sir, are there any of my bonus decisions that you do agree with?" "What'd you give yourself again?" "The shaft." "Good work." "I got to go." "Dave, I think you and I need to have a serious talk." "Bill, this really isn't a good time." "Trust me." "I asked you to do something about the clutter on my desk, and yet you refuse." "Is that better, Bill?" "Maybe we should talk about this another time." "Yeah, maybe we should." "Yeah." "Wow." "[♪]"