"Ethel!" "Ethel?" "Fred..." "Fred!" "Fred, wake up!" "Fred!" "What is it, Ethel?" "Fred, this is Lucy on the intercom." "Oh, oh." "Is Ethel there?" "No." "Well, where is she?" "How should I know?" "Well, she's your wife." "Well, did you wake me up just to rub it in?" "Oh..." "Listen, Ethel was supposed to be here an hour ago." "I don't know how I'm gonna do all the things I have to do for the Yankee Doodle Day celebration if Ethel isn't gonna cooperate with me." "Honestly!" "Listen, Fred, did you try on your costume yet?" "Fred, did you try on your costume yet?" "Really." "Committee member Mertz reporting." "Ethel, where have you been?" "I've got a million things to check with you." "Let me see that poster." ""Yankee Doodle Day Celebration." Uh..." "I thought it was supposed to say" ""Lucy Ricardo, chairman" "Did you put these posters up all over town?" "Yeah." "Did you nail them to the telephone poles like I asked you to?" "All right, now." "Let's see." "Did you call all the members of my committee and ask them to be here for luncheon tomorrow?" "Yep, I did." "All of them?" "Yep, all of them." "Did you check the man who's writing a special song about the Battle of Campo?" "Yep." "I did that." "Did you talk to Mr. Silvestri the sculptor, make sure the statue will be ready the day after tomorrow?" "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "Day after tomorrow." "Yep, yep, yep." "Did you rent the trailer to carry it in?" "Yep, yep." "Good." "Oh, boy!" "I'm never gonna be chairman of another committee." "It's too much work." "For who?" "For me." "For you?" "!" "Who do you think's been doing all the work?" "How about..." "Ouch!" "Listen, Ethel, I just mean that I have all the responsibility." "I'm the one that has to sit home and worry about whether you're getting all the work done or not." "Well, now, I'll just make you a deal." "Next year, I'll sit home and worry, and you go out and nail your thumb to a telephone pole." "Oh, Ethel." "Listen." "We are commemorating a battle of the Revolutionary War." "Now, let's not start one of our own." "Well, all right." "Okay." "Did you and Fred try on your costumes yet?" "Yep." "How were they?" "Oh, mine's just fine." "Fred's grumbling about his as usual." "He's gonna wear it, isn't he?" "Yeah, I think he is." "When I left this morning, he was standing in front of a mirror, trying on his powdered wig." "It was a proud sight." "It's the first time in 20 years" "Fred's been able to brush his hair." "Well, I got Ricky to read the speech at the unveiling." "You did?" "Yeah." "Did you have much of a struggle?" "No." "He agreed to it right away." "You mean you didn't have to trick him or anything?" "Mm." "My, he's getting agreeable these days." "I know." "Things are working out beautifully." "Ricky's getting mellow just as I'm running out of tricks." "Lucy!" "What?" "Look at this!" "What is it?" "Fred!" "He chewed up my slippers!" "Fred wouldn't do a thing like that." "Oh, he means the dog Fred." "Oh." "I knew we made a mistake letting Little Ricky name that dog Fred." "We made a mistake letting Little Ricky get the dog in the first place." "Where is that four-legged beast?" "Oh, I don't know." "He's up with Little Ricky, I guess." "Well, where is Ricky?" "He's not in his room." "Well, he must be up there someplace." "Ricky!" "Yes, Mommy?" "Is Fred up there with you?" "No, Mommy." "What is that you have on your face?" "I'm a clown." "Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!" "He's a clown." "March yourself right down here, young man." "He must have gotten into my makeup kit." "Yeah." "Ricky, you shouldn't put stuff like that all over your face, honey." "Daddy was a clown this morning." "Yeah, I know I was a clown this morning, but that's because I'm doing a circus number at the club." "I wanted to show Mommy how I was gonna look." "Well, from now on, you'd better not bring home your m-a-k-e-u-p." "I know what that is." "You do?" "Uh-huh." "It's spelling." "It's spelling." "Yeah." "Well, now, you go on upstairs and take all that stuff off your face, and don't you ever get in Daddy's makeup kit again." "Okay, Mommy." "Go on now." "Where's Fred?" "In the den, Daddy, sleeping in your chair." "In the den, sleeping in my chair." "You know, that dog uses my favorite chair more than I do." "Well, he likes to be comfortable like anyone else." "Well, then why doesn't he go out and buy his own izzy share?" "He's not gonna hurt your old "izzy share."" "Besides, there's a brand-new doghouse in the backyard, and you were supposed to keep him there." "He doesn't like it out there." "Why not?" "I don't know." "Why don't you ask him?" "Mira, que tiene cosa... el perro este no le gusta la casa de perro..." "And stop jabbering at me in a foreign tongue." "I got enough trouble without you being cranky." "I am not cranky!" "The dog sits in my favorite chair all the time." "He doesn't like the doghouse that I bought him." "He chews up all my slippers." "Ever since we got that animal, he's leading my life and I'm leading the dog's life." "I'm sorry you have to hear all this arguing, Ethel." "Oh, that's all right." "Makes me feel right at home." "I thought you were taking him to obedience school." "I have been." "Well, then, how come that he hasn't learned how to obedience?" "Well, I don't know." "Maybe it's because" "I haven't been helping him with his homework." "Well, you'd better help him with his homework, or I'm going to take him right back to the pound that's where we got him." "Oh, honey, now you don't mean that." "Anyway, he's graduating from obedience school tomorrow, and I'm sure he's gonna come through with flying colors." "Good." "Now, listen." "Did you try your costume on yet?" "Oh, that's another thing." "I'll make the speech, but I'm not gonna wear that silly-looking" "Yankee Doodle dandy outfit that you got me." "No." "Oh, honey, you look so wonderful in a Revolutionary War uniform." "Oh, sure, yeah." "Yeah, those knee breeches will give you a chance to show off your good-looking legs." "I am not going to be seen in those silly early-American snickers." "It's knickers." "That's what I said-- snickers." "Well, now, look." "you're making a mistake." "I'll leave it to you, Ethel." "Doesn't he have good-looking legs?" "Come on, now, will you?" "Cut it out." "Well, everybody else is wearing a costume." "Yeah, Rick." "Even Fred." "Yeah?" "What's he wearing?" "Oh, he's got a wonderful one." "He's gonna be the town crier." "He's gonna go through the town ringing a bell, announcing all the ceremonies." "This I got to see." "Well, will you wear it or not?" "All right, all right." "I'll go learn my speech." "Okay, he will." "Oh, honestly." "They give you a fight, don't they?" "What you have to go through..." "Boy, oh, boy." "...to get him into costume for a thing like this." "Hear ye!" "Hear ye!" "Hear ye!" "Oh, Fred, you look wonderful!" "Hear ye!" "Hear ye!" "Hear ye!" "Get yourself another town crier!" "What are you talking about?" "I refuse to do this fool thing." "Well, why, Fred?" "Well, first of all, this ding-dang wig is too hot!" "How do people stand it when they have hair?" "Listen, Fred." "Maybe you can do it without the wig, huh?" "That's not all." "These things are killing my feet." "If their shoes pinched like these, no wonder the town criers cried." "Fred, we can get you some bigger shoes." "Oh, sure, Fred." "You gotta do something to celebrate Yankee Doodle Day." "Well, I can always stick a feather in my hat and call it macaroni." "Oh, now, Fred." "Fred!" "Come on, now." "Say you'll be the town crier." "No, sir." "I wouldn't go yelling through town in this outfit if the British were to come back again!" "Oh, Fred!" "I'll get him to do it." "Don't worry about it." "I'll get him to do it." "Now, listen, Fred..." "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "Where did he go?" "What did he do?" "He chewed up my whole speech." "Oh." "Well, now, honey, don't, don't, don't be mad at him." "He won't do these things once he's graduated from obedience school." "If you ask me, we should have sent him to reform school." "Oh..." ""Fellow citizens of Westport," ""we're gathered here on Yankee Doodle Day to commemorate, to unveil and dedicate a statue."" ""The statue will commemorate the great bravery and daring courage" ""of the patriots of this community" ""during the Battle of Campo in 17..." ""1777." ""I hereby dedicate this statue to the ancestors" ""of these brave men," ""many of whom are still living..." "Hi, dear." "in this..." Oh, hi." "Congratulations are in order." "Fred graduated!" "Well!" "Congratulations, old man!" "What's that?" "That's his diploma." "Well, we'll frame it up and put it in his doghouse." "Yeah." "Did he really learn something?" "Well, I told you he graduated." "Well, good for you, because I'm running out of slippers." "Hey, who set the table for my luncheon?" "Oh, Ethel did." "And there's a beautiful plate of cold cuts back in the kitchen." "Oh, good." "They're delicious." "What are you doing?" "These cold cuts are for my committee members." "Well, what is the principal speaker supposed to eat for lunch?" "I'll fix you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." "Thanks a lot." "Well, Fred, now let's see if you really graduated." "I want you to take this diploma, take it over to Little Ricky upstairs and show it to him." "Then after you do that," "I want you to the diploma over to the guest house and show it to Aunt Ethel and Uncle Fred." "Oh, for heaven's sake, Ricky." "He can't do all that." "Well, you just told me he graduated from obedience school." "Well, he learned obedience, but he's not ready for The Ed Sullivan Show." "What can he do?" "He can do lots of things." "He can sit up, he can speak, he can roll over." "I'll show you later." "Well, show me now." "No." "I haven't got time now, honey." "I gotta get this luncheon going." "Listen." "I paid 30 bucks for this character to go to that school." "I want to see what he learned." "I don't want to show you right now." "I will show you later." "Apparently, the wrong one went to obedience school." "Oh, all right." "Show what you learned to Senor Simon Legree." "Leash." "Come on, now, Fred." "All righty, boy." "Show Daddy what we learned here, huh?" "Oh, boy, he graduated top honors, too, boy." "All right, now." "Sit up, honey." "Sit up, Fred." "Fred, sit up." "Come on, Fred, sit up." "Aw, come on, Fred." "You know how to sit up." "Now, you're not paying attention." "Come on, now." "Sit up." "Here we go." "Up we go." "Up, up, up, up, Fred." "Up!" "Show Daddy how you can sit up." "Come on here." "Fred, up." "You know how to sit up." "You know how to sit up." "Come on, honey." "Never mind the lovemaking." "Just come on, now." "Sit up." "I want you to sit up." "Now, pay attention." "Up, boy." "Up." "Aw, come on, now." "You know how to it." "Look." "Like this." "See?" "Like this." "I guess he just doesn't feel like sitting up right now." "No, I guess not." "Well, actually, sitting up wasn't his best subject." "Oh?" "No." "Let's try speaking." "Here we go now." "All right, Fred, pay attention now." "All right, speak!" "Speak, boy!" "Speak!" "Fred?" "Speak, speak, speak!" "Come on, say something." "Talk up a storm, boy!" "Come on." "Say something." "Speak, Fred!" "Come on, say something for me." "Just a couple of words, huh?" "Oh, now, Fred, stop." "Come on." "Speak." "I guess he didn't head his class in speaking either." "Well, actually, he isn't supposed to speak unless he wants something, you know, like his dinner." "Oh." "Oh, I see." "He's a before-dinner speaker." "Yeah, well." "Here's something he does very well." "Now, watch." "Okay, Fred." "Now, roll over and play dead!" "Come on, Fred." "Come on now, roll over and play dead." "Come on." "Roll over and play dead, boy." "Come on." "Down you go." "Play dead." "Fred..." "Come on now, roll over and play dead, boy." "Fred, pay attention to me." "Look." "Look, Fred." "Fred..." "Like this." "Are you sure they didn't give him the diploma just to get rid of him?" "Well, I don't understand it." "He did everything beautifully for the instructor at school." "Look, I'm gonna give you one more chance here." "Now, you stand up there." "Now, Fred, pay attention!" "Go get it, boy!" "Fred, go get it." "Fred!" "Go get it!" "Fetch the paper, Frederick." "Can't you do just one trick, for me, Fred?" "Come on." "Fred, look." "Nice Lucy." "Nice Lucy." "Here." "You deserve this more than he does." "Well, he just must be exhausted for cramming for all of his exams, that's all." "He needs a vacation." "Good." "Then he can go out in the doghouse and then he can take his vacation." "He doesn't like it out there." "Well, that's too bad." "But if he's not smart enough to learn, how..." "Shh!" "Don't talk like that in front of Fred." "You'll hurt his feelings." "Come on, Fred." "Fred." "Fred!" "Oh, Fred!" "You big bully." "Now, what were you saying?" "I was saying that if he's not smart enough to mind, he can stay in the doghouse." "You're mean!" "Since when is mean for a dog to stay in his doghouse?" "When the dog doesn't like the doghouse, he's not happy out there." "Why shouldn't he be happy out there?" "It's a beautiful doghouse." "It's very roomy." "It's brand-new." "It doesn't have a mortgage." "And he doesn't have a wife to nag him." "Oh, there's no talking to you." "I have things to do." "We'll discuss this later." "Fellow citizens of Westport, we are gathered here on Yankee Doodle..." "Oh, no!" "Oh, you naughty dog!" "What's the matter?" "He licked half of the cold cuts on that platter!" "Where are you going?" "I'm going to put him out in the doghouse where he belongs!" "...On Doodle Dandy Day to dedicate..." "Ethel, wait till you see it." "Mr. Silvestri did a wonderful job." "Oh, I can hardly wait!" "Oh, it's really..." "It's just beautiful." "Are you ready?" "Yeah." "Oh!" "Oh, it's pretty lifelike, isn't it?" "Oh, I should say it is." "I thought I saw him squeeze the trigger." "Ha, ha!" "Isn't it great?" "It is just great!" "When do you take it over to Jessup Green?" "Well, I'm going to get it there just a few minutes before Ricky does the unveiling." "That way nobody will be able to peek at it before the ceremony." "Where is Ricky?" "He's over at the newspaper office." "They're taking some pictures for the Yankee Doodle Day celebration." "Mommy!" "Mommy!" "What?" "Fred ran away!" "Fred ran away?" "Which Fred?" "My dog!" "Oh, nuts." "Are you sure?" "Are you sure he ran away?" "His rope's chewed up, and there's a hole in the fence." "Oh, dear." "It's my fault for putting him out there in that doghouse." "Now, honey, he's around here someplace." "We'll find him." "Oh, dear." "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred?" "What do you want?" "Oh, not you." "We're calling the dog." "He ran away." "Oh, Mommy, where is he?" "We'll find him, honey." "I promise." "Don't worry, honey." "Fred!" "Lucy, your phone's ringing." "Lucy.." "What?" "Your phone." "Your phone." "You keep looking." "We will, honey." "Fred!" "Fred!" "Fred!" "Hello." "Oh, hello, Grace." "Yeah." "Yeah, we just found out a minute ago." "He did?" "Which way did he go?" "Oh." "Okay." "Yeah." "Thanks, Grace." "Oh, dear!" "Fred." "Fred!" "Fred!" "Can't you hear me?" "Yeah, I can hear you." "Well, why didn't you answer?" "I thought you were calling the dog." "Oh, for heaven's sakes." "Tell Ethel and Ricky to come in here right away." "Ethel!" "Yes?" "Come on." "Lucy wants you." "What's up?" "Grace Munson just called and said that she saw a dog that looked like Fred running up the road past her house." "Oh!" "That's almost a mile away from here!" "Maybe it wasn't our Fred." "Well, we gotta track down every lead." "Now, listen, I'm gonna drive over to the Munsons'." "You go out and get Bruce Ramsey, honey." "Look all around the neighborhood." "Hear?" "Okay, Mommy." "You stay here in case there're any more calls, will you, Ethel?" "Oh, sure." "Lucy, you call us, now, if you find him." "Yeah, I will." "I'll look around here." "Maybe he's hiding inside." "I'll look in the kitchen." "Fred!" "What?" "I'm calling the dog." "Oh, for corn sakes." "I haven't been right once today." "Maybe it'd make things simpler if you changed your name." "To what?" "Rover." "Very funny!" "I'll go and look in the den." "I'll go upstairs and look, Fred." "Hey!" "What was that?" "Something sounded like a wreck out there in back." "No, no." "It was out here, Fred." "No, it was in back." "I know it was out there." "My ear tells me it's in the back." "It sounded just like it was out front." "It's out back!" "Now go on!" "Lucy, are you all right?" "I'm all right, but look at him." "Oh, my goodness, honey." "What happened?" "Oh, I jumped in the car and forgot all about the trailer and backed right into that elm tree." "Wouldn't you know it?" "The poor guy got through the Revolutionary War without a scratch, but five minutes with you and he's finished." "Oh, be quiet, Fred." "Uh, Lucy, maybe we can glue it back together." "Glue what back together?" "This is all that's left of him." "Oh, my goodness." "Well, you gotta do something." "You've got to fix it." "Oh, how can I fix it, for heaven's sake?" "Doesn't look very good." "Lucy." "What?" "The unveiling's in an hour." "What are you gonnna do?" "Oh, dear, I don't know." "But while I'm thinking, will you drive over to the Munsons', find Little Ricky and go find the dog, will you?" "Sure." "Yeah." "Oh..." "See you later, shorty." "Ethel, what am I gonna do?" "They'll throw me out of the Historical Society." "Oh, you'll be lucky if they don't throw you out of town." "Oh, dear." "Hey, I'll call Mr. Silvestri and see if he's got another one." "Another one?" "They don't make statues in pairs like bookends." "Oh, it doesn't hurt to ask." "Mr. Silvestri?" "This is Mrs. Ricardo." "Yeah." "You know the statue you made for us?" "Well, by any chance, do you happen to have a spare?" "Oh, you don't, huh?" "Well, could you make another one?" "Oh, good!" "How long will it take?" "Two weeks!" "Oh, dear." "Well, could you make it sooner?" "Well, I was thinking in about an hour, maybe?" "Yeah, well, all right, all right, all right, Mr. Silvestri." "Well, you start on it right now, huh?" "Yeah." "What?" "Why do I want another one?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why, Ethel?" "Why do we want two of them?" "Uh... well..." "Westport is growing and it may become twin cities like Saint Paul and Minneapolis." "Yeah, well, you know, Mr. Silvestri," "Westport is growing so, it just might become twin cities like Saint Appolis and Minnie Paul." "Minneapolis and Saint Paul." "Oh." "Well, you just go ahead, Mr. Silvestri, and we'll think up a reason later." "I mean, I'll tell you the reason later." "Yeah." "Oh, uh, Mr. Silvestri, incidentally, is the, uh, the first statue insured?" "Oh!" "Oh, thank goodness!" "Yeah, well, just start on the... on the other one." "Thanks very much." "Oh!" "Thank goodness that's over." "Now all you have to do is postpone the ceremonies for two weeks." "Yeah." "Postpone the...?" "I can't postpone the ceremonies!" "Everybody in town will be over there in an hour." "Well, what are you gonna do?" "I don't know." "I forgot all about the ceremonies." "Oh, dear." "Oh, Ethel." "Hey, I got an idea." "No, maybe it's too wild." "If you've got an idea that you think is too wild," "I don't want to hear it." "No, I think it will work." "Yeah, I think so." "You know, we're going to have ice cream and cake later." "Are you having a good time, honey?" "Yes." "Fred!" "Fred, you found Fred!" "Oh, let him through here." "Oh, Fred!" "Yeah, I found him." "I found him all right." "Oh, bless his little heart." "Where was he?" "Well, you will never believe it." "He was sitting on the steps of the obedience school." "Oh, Fred." "Now, why do you suppose he went there?" "Well, I guess he heard he had a bad report." "He was trying to sign up for summer school." "Oh, maybe." "Your mommy's here, honey." "You'll see her pretty soon." "And your daddy's getting ready to make a speech." "Did you know that?" "Yeah." "Fellow citizens of Westport, we are gathered here on Yankee Doodle Day to unveil and dedicate a statue-- a statue which commemorates the great bravery and daring courage of the patriots of this community during the Battle of Campo in 1777." "So I hereby dedicate this statue to these brave men and women, and to their descendants, many of whom are still living in this community." "And now, for the unveiling." "Here we go!" "Lucy?" "Lucy!" "Shoot, if you must, this old redhead." "Un momento, un momento que ha pasado algo..." "Fred..." "Que ha pasado algo..."