"(funky disco plays)" "¶ my name is cleveland brown ¶" "¶ and I am proud to be ¶" "¶ right back in my hometown ¶" "¶ with my new family ¶" "¶ there's old friends and new friends ¶" "¶ and even a bear ¶" "¶ through good times and bad times ¶" "¶ it's true love we share ¶" "¶ and so I found a place ¶" "¶ where everyone will know ¶" "¶ my happy mustached face ¶" "¶ this is the cleveland show. ¶" "Freeze, injun." "I will now steal your land and name my sports teams after you." "Joke's on you, white man." "My descendents will corner the market on blue jean jackets" "And blow cigarette smoke in the faces of your descendents." "(doorbell rings)" "Oh, goody!" "That must be my mommy!" "Hi, mom!" "Welcome to our new home!" "Cleveland!" "Oh, lord, you're wasting away!" "Are you feeding him?" "Not enough." "Look at me." "Hello, cookie." "Well, you've been eating!" "We missed you at the wedding." "Oh, you mean the wedding" "With my son who wasn't good enough for you 25 years ago," "But now you'll take him" "Since you've been left with two misbehaving kids?" "Yes." "That wedding." "And for your information, my kids do behave themselves." "Aw, hell!" "We lit this bag of dog crap on fire right on the bears' porch." "Then the bear comes out and stomps on it!" "And he's like, "oh, I got dog crap on my damn foot!"" "(laughing)" "Freakin' bear." "Who the hell is this?" "This is my mother." "I meant no disrespect." "Let me get you a jet magazine and some sweet tea." "Oh, thank you, young man." "But first, I have someone else I'd like you to meet." "Dad?" "!" "Ow!" "My neck!" "My neck and my back!" "Hey, chunky." "Sir." "Donna, you remember my father," "Who left my mother for a waffle house waitress." "Twice." "So, you two are back together?" "Looks that way." "Why you got to ask so many questions?" "¶ ¶" "Aw, girl, thanksgiving is whack." "Every moment I have to be away from you," "My heart is like, "damn!"" "(sighing)" "You know what?" "Hell with our families." "We should have our own thanksgiving." "A romantic thanksgiving." "Just the two of us." "For real, yo?" "That's tight." "We's romeo and julietin' this turkey day." "I loves you, ro-ham." "I loves you more than unicorns love pixie dust." "(dance music plays)" "(sniffing)" "You got any fruit stripe gum?" "(snips) ow!" "Watch where you walking, pudgy!" "(growls) (growls ferociously)" "(whimpers)" "Um, can I help you find something?" "Nope." "I'm just looking for a glass without a spot on it." "Donna:" "How embarrassing!" "I knew I should have paid a few cents more for cascade." "(sad music plays)" "Check out baby cleveland in the bathtub." "Look at his little, bitty, tiny cashew." "(both laugh)" "I can't see it." "Let me get my reading binoculars." "(both laughing)" "I like this kid." "You know, I've been thinking." "Maybe I should shoot out another kid." "Try to get this one right." "I've had similar thoughts." "And you know, I have not gone through the change." "You gone through the change on the outside." "You know, I think it's wonderful" "That the whole family will be here" "For thanksgiving supper tomorrow." "Mom, did you not get my text?" "I'm spending thanksgiving with federline." "You most certainly are not." "Do you have any idea" "How much work I am putting into this dinner?" "Judging from those store-bought pies in the kitchen," "I'd say not enough." "Are you gonna let your crazy mother talk to me like that?" "!" "(laughs nervously) that's my mama." "(laughs nervously)" "Are you gonna let your big-ass wife talk to me like that?" "!" "(laughs nervously) that's my wife." "(laughs nervously)" "While you guys work that out," "I'm-a get going." "Roberta, your mother just wants you" "You are not my father." "New family's really warming up to ya, tubby." "That's it!" "You wanna dance, little lady?" "Fight, fight, fight, fight." "Bye, mom!" "You are not going anywhere!" "Let go of my coat!" "Rallo:" "Fight!" "Fight fight!" "Your coat?" "!" "I paid for this coat!" "Rallo (whistles):" "Hey!" "Cleveland's dad!" "Cleveland jr:" "Dad!" "(glass shatters, growling)" "Roberta:" "Let go of my coat!" "Donna:" "I paid for this coat!" "Dad!" "Fight, fight, fight..." "Let go of my coat." "Well, what in tarnation is going on up in here?" "All:" "Auntie momma!" "Damn skippy!" "Ooh-wee." "Up jump the devil!" "Don't squeeze too tight," "Or else somebody's gonna have to call the fart police." "Those filling' station nachos" "Are not agreeing with your auntie momma!" "(farts loudly)" "I'm outrageous!" "(all laughing)" "Now stop all this scrappin'," "Dippin' and dappin', don't know what's happenin'." "Now, who's this little one?" "Donna, don't tell me you went" "And got yourself knocked up by anthony anderson!" "(laughs)" "You nasty girl!" "Hi, strange lady." "My name is cleveland brown, jr." "And I'm lavar brown." "(smooches)" "But you can call me "freight train."" "Ooh!" "Well, choo-choo to you!" "Hire me a couple chinese, 'cause we building a train track right here!" "Auntie momma!" "You should have told me you were coming!" "Girl, you know auntie momma can't be tied down!" "Unless this one's doing the tying!" "Ooh, ooh!" "I'm outrageous!" "Hey, auntie momma!" "Cleveland brown," "As I live and breathe!" "Look at you, all grown up and unconventionally sexy." "Mustache all puttin' wilt chamberlain's to shame." "Honey, I should know." "I was number 8,433 and 11,760." "(farts loudly)" "Ooh, I'm outrageous!" "Auntie momma, we need to talk." "Mmm-hmm." "You know we will, girlfriend." "I want to hear all about the young mens up in your life!" "But right now, auntie momma's off to the powder room" "To see what all these farts are about." "(chuckles)" "Maybe this thanksgiving won't be so bad, after all." "I'm gonna clean up this broken glass." "Sorry I tossed him the knife, but I wanted him to kill you." "(giggles)" "I can see auntie momma's penis." "Auntie momma's penis?" "!" "(sizzling)" "Let's play a game." "Everybody say something weird about themselves." "I'll start." "I don't have nails on my small toes." "Your turn, auntie momma!" "I don't understand why a no-good team like the lions" "Always gets to play on thanksgiving." "But I'd still let 'em pile up on me in the locker room!" "I love a good sack!" "Auntie momma!" "I'm outrageous." "(chuckles)" "(loretta, lavar, and auntie momma laughing)" "See that, cookie?" "A lady who loves football." "That's a real woman." "No offense." "That's an ugly apron." "Whoops." "Sometimes they jump on ya." "What's wrong with you, sourpuss?" "You look lower than clint eastwood's testicles." "(flushing)" "(creaks and pops)" "(groans)" "We had a pretty good run." "Had angle dickinson, didn't we, boys?" "(cocking)" "(screaming)" "(shot fires)" "She won't let me spend thanksgiving with federline!" "Girl wants to be with her boyfriend." "Pumpkin, why you trying to keep those two love birds apart?" "Thanksgiving is about family." "Roberta should be with us." "Now, sweet potato pudding' plum pie," "I remember another 15-year-old girl" "With more boobs than brains" "Who thought nobody understood her." "Do you know who I'm talking about?" "(sighs)" "Me." "And what did I tell you back then?" "You told me that I should fly like a bird," "Because you can't keep your heart in a cage." "And then you farted." "And then you said you were outrageous." "That's right." "And now, when I look at roberta," "Do you know what I see?" "A younger, stupider you." "Donna, let this caged bird fly, too." "I want you home before curfew." "Thanks, mom!" "I love you, auntie momma." "(roberta and donna laughing)" "(sighs) that woman can convince me of anything." "I'll say." "Donna, I need to talk to you about auntie momma." "Cleveland, I know, I know." "She can be a little outrageous." "I think even she knows that." "But my whole life, she's been the one person" "I could always count on." "I don't know what I'd do without my auntie momma," "Or if my image of her was changed in any way." "Now, what did you want to say?" "(sighs)" "She's a handsome woman." "And not like men are handsome." "Like a woman is handsome." "(whistle blows)" "Okay, turkey day football game!" "The count's five mississippi." "I've chalked the end zones with parmesan cheese." "You get one blitz per set of downs." "There's no rollover blitzes, unless" "Hey!" "You talk too much, c-cup." "Tubbs against browns!" "Donna, you got rallo, and the fine auntie momma." "You got your work cut out for you." "I'm kind of a ball hog." "And I'm also a hog hog." "Mmm." "Well, I don't know about all that," "But you can gargle my (bleep)." "You outrageous!" "Looks like the outrageous is contagious!" "Okay, we'll kick off!" "¶ ¶" "(chuckles) train left the station and you... (groans)" "(grunts)" "Mm-mmm!" "(grunts)" "(dings)" "Damn!" "Where'd you learn to play like that?" "This ain't my first time on a football field." "Ask earl campbell what we did on the 50-yard line" "At the astrodome back in '79." "Why don't you show me?" "'cause donna used all her crisco for the pancakes." "There's, uh, head and shoulders in the crapper." "I like the way you think." "Okay, you guys, kick off!" "Game's over." "I'm about to pull my groin." "(hisses)" "Hmm, that's one bald pussy." "I'm worried about your mother." "I'm worried about my father." "I'm worried about leaving my soda can unattended," "Because a bee could easily fly in there." "And then I would take a sip," "And that bee could sting me inside my throat." "And then people would ask," ""what's wrong, cleveland brown jr.?"" "And I wouldn't be able to tell them," "Because my throat would be all closed up." "Write it in your worry journal." "(rustling)" "What was that?" "Oh, damn!" "It's homelesses!" "Oh, my god!" "They stole the cutlass!" "They done stripped me of my whip!" "Whip strip!" "Whoo-whoo!" "(sighs)" "Hmm, this freight train" "Can't wait to hook up with that caboose." "All aboard!" "(farts)" "Ooh, I got a feeling sex is gonna be all sloppy with you." "My reputation precedes me." "(chuckling)" "Cleveland:" "Oh, what do I do?" "What do I do?" "!" "Do the right thing, cleveland." "Daryl hall?" "What are you doing here?" "I'm here to weigh in on your situation." "You really thinking about" "Letting your father walk into a wiener factory?" "I can't go for that, no can do." "Who are you?" "Seriously, you got angel daryl hall on your left shoulder," "And you can't figure out who I am?" "John oates?" "!" "Actual size." "Screw you, hall." "Your dad's a jerk." "Don't tell him." "Let 'em wrangle that dangle." "Well, maybe if you warn your father," "He'll finally appreciate you." "I still say, let him tickle that pickle." "¶ whoa-oh, here she comes ¶" "¶ watch out, boy, she'll chew you up ¶" "¶ whoa-oh, here she comes ¶" "¶ she's a man... ¶" "(sighs)" "Oh, dad, come here!" "Go away, fool!" "It's important!" "You can't do this, because..." "Dad, you came here with mom." "Show the woman a little respect." "Your mama ain't a woman." "You're more of a woman than she is." "Your boobs are bigger, your ass is rounder," "And your mustache ain't as thick." "That is a woman!" "Now if you'll excuse me, princess," "I'm gonna go destroy your kids' bathroom." "You know what?" "I take it back." "You and auntie momma have a great time together." "I'm sure you'll learn a lot about each other." "(laughs):" "I'm outrageous." "(grunts)" "Uh-oh..." "So, should we wait for freight train and auntie momma?" "(chuckles) I don't think we'll have to wait too long." "Let's just sit back and enjoy" "The sounds of a freight train wreck." "(chuckles)" "That is cold, old man" "Letting your own pops fall blindly into a manhole." "What?" "How did you know?" "Man, I'm five." "Sitting on laps is my job." "I know what's supposed to be there and what's not." "I can't say as I blame you for not telling him." "It will be pretty funny." "Can you imagine?" ""oh, I can't wait to reach down and fiddle with something nice." ""oh, no, what's this?" "This is a terrible turn of events." "I'm gonna go punch cleveland."" "Uh-oh!" "Oh, it'll be worth it." "(chuckles) ¶ crying game... ¶" "What a fine-looking meal." "I am starving." "I just worked up a man-sized appetite." "I hope you all weren't waiting for me." "I was just upstairs laying down." "(whispers):" "With your face in the pillow." "(retching)" "Cleveland, are you okay?" "He'd be okay if you didn't undercook the turkey." "Undercooked?" "This turkey looks perfect." "(smooching)" "Mmm!" "Smack myself in the face with it." "(retching)" "Do you want me to get the bucket?" "Hmm!" "I'm gonna reach in there and get me some of that good stuff." "Look at there, put my hand up in there." "My whole arm!" "(muffled retching)" "Mm, mmm!" "Now, that's a mouthful!" "(retching)" "Look like I lost my damn watch." "I don't think it's in the turkey-- gobble-gobble. (laughs)" "(retching)" "Happy thanksgiving, everyone." "Hey, there's your car!" "Oh, it's on!" "Those homelesses are about to become toothlesses!" "They might already be toothlesses." "I realized that as I was saying it." "Hey, it's roberta and the friedman boy." "Hey, come help us do thanksgiving missionary style." "It's nice to see the young people" "Doing the public service instead of the drugs." "Like I always say," ""helping others is the real crystal meth."" "Actually, we're not here to volunteer." "There's one of them fools who jacked my whip." "Who, filthy nick?" "Hey, filthy nick, did you steal this kid's car?" "Did I steal your car?" "Or have you had your keys all along?" "Damn!" "Pay it forward." "You look lost, son." "I do?" "I may not look much like you, but I've peed a lot of pants" "In my day and I've learned a thing or two." "First, family is the most important thing you could ever have." "Second, if you try to wash your pants" "In the mcdonald's bathroom, they will call the cops." "(sniffles)" "Yo, ro?" "Smelly was right." "We should be with our families." "A'ight." "Filthy nick!" "Send us home!" "(whooshing)" "(zapping)" "I don't understand why you can do that," "But we still have to live on spare change." "We're not supposed to profit from my powers." "All right, this is killing me." "What's up with you?" "I'm outrageous." "No, this is outrageous." "(deep voice):" "What do you want?" "First I'll tell you what I don't want." "I don't want to hold on to this anymore." "You got me." "I'm a man." "You happy?" "But you can't tell donna." "It would break her sweet little heart." "But why would you...?" "Look, donna's parents weren't always around." "And I wanted to give her a strong female role model." "So, when she was about six, uncle kevin became auntie momma." "36 years and nine, ten wigs later, here we are." "But how did you and my dad-- you know-- without him noticing?" "Or did he notice?" "Let's just say, when you've been doing this as long as I have," "You become an expert at hiding the candy." "Uh, do you have like a little hammock for it," "Or is it rigged with fishing line, or how...?" "Look, you got nothing to worry about with me and your dad." "Now that I know my donna's in good hands, I'll be moving on." "You're a good man, cleveland brown." "And you're a man, too, kevin." "I'm outrageous." "Oh, mama, I'm so sorry" "I wanted to spend thanksgiving with federline." "It was awful!" "Just as auntie momma planned." "Auntie momma, is there anything you can't do?" "I can't do it with the lights on!" "What?" "W-w-well, we're glad to have you home, roberta." "Happy thanksgiving." "And now that my work is done," "I better leave before I turn into a blumpkin." "You're leaving?" "Yeah, peabo bryson is performing in hampton," "And he likes me naked in his tour bus when he gets off stage." "Wow, auntie momma, you know singers from yesteryear." "Donna, it fills my heart to see you so happy." "Got room for me in that trunk of yours?" "Oh, lavar..." "What we shared on that bathroom floor" "And on cleveland's pillow was beautiful." "But auntie momma's not a one-man woman, or a one-town woman." "Yep." "Bye-bye." "All right, y'all, I'm outta here!" "In three..." "Two..." "One... (farting)" "I'm outrageous!" "That little lady just farted off with a piece of my heart." "I'm going after her." "Hey, dummy, get me a skateboard and a burrito." "Before you go chasing her down, I got to tell you something, dad." "(speaking inaudibly)" "...Said her real name's kevin." "(retches)" "Been hiding the candy for 36 years." "(retching)" "You..." "Had sex..." "With a man." "(retching)" "You have to promise not to say anything to donna." "Yeah, uh, I'm gonna be playing this down in general." "Now why don't you go in there and say something nice to my mom?" "She's had a hard day watching you play grab- ass with a tranny." "Hey, cookie." "Hey, freight train." "Hair looks real." "Why, thank you!" "Hey, look, grandpa freight train!" "Auntie momma dropped your watch." "Cleveland:" "Put that down!"