" You cow!" " (Screams)" "You bitch!" "(Both screaming)" "You stop it, I'II..." " Ah, you..." " (Screams)" "Get off me!" "Can't you stop them?" "Stop it, you two." "You're ruining your father's breakfast." "Peter?" "Mm." " Where is he?" " Excuse me." "I don't know." "Auriel's on the phone." "Says she's got a situation." "Perhaps he's overslept." "I'll go and see." "Auriel." "I will get him to call you back." "(Snoring)" "(Screams)" "My God." "I forbid you to scream like that again." "Simon!" "God, it's morning." "SIMON:" "What's the matter, Bea?" "Don't talk to me, you suicide-faking freak." "Do you need a coffee?" "Oh, yes." "As strong as you can make it." "And Gloria..." "Outside the family, no-one is to know he's back." "Do you understand?" "Beatrice, did you hear what I just said?" "No-one is to know." "Why are you telling me?" "He's not my problem." "You do know you'll have to go to the police, don't you?" "Yeah, I know." "Just give me a couple of days." "Please." "Two days." "Yes, I'll tell them the truth." "I was depressed." "Slap on the wrist." "No big deal." "No big deal?" "!" "Simon, you stole someone's identity." "That's an arrestable offence." "What you did is against the law." "And if you're seen, we will be implicated." "Do you understand?" "(Baby cries)" "What's that?" "Ah." "Yes." "There's something I didn't quite get round to telling you last night." "Oh, morning, you." "Thanks for last night." "Yeah, Honor..." "Um." "Upstairs." "I'm not supposed to know." "Peter, you old rascal." "Have you got yourself a wife?" "Big-boned, is she?" "No." "No, no, no." "He's not mine." "Whose is he?" "Yours." "Mine?" "Who's the mother?" "Don't worry." "I'm coming." "You are not to upset her." "Honor!" " Oh, my God." "Christopher." " Simon." "You never told me you were pregnant." "This is no time for an argument." "Why didn't you tell me?" " What are you doing here?" " Me?" "I thought you were dead." "I thought you were on the pill." "Look, I've got clients." "You stay out of sight." "I'll be downstairs if you want me." "We will talk later." "Ooh, thank you." "Are you sure you don't want the day off?" "I could take over for the day if you're feeling hungover." "That won't be necessary, thank you." "Make sure he doesn't come downstairs." "I don't trust him." "I didn't, even before he died." "What are you going to do?" "Um, clients come first, Gloria." "Without them, we're nothing." "Alf and Linda Appleby are in your office." "Ted sent them over." "And Auriel is desperate to speak to you on the phone." "Jim Wright's daughter Patricia has attacked her father's nurse." "(Sighs) Appleby?" "Appleby is first, then, I think." "Gordon Bennett!" "They're aprons, Lyle." "Would you like some coats?" "No, thank you." "We're fine." "We're naturists." "The council are trying to ban us from the beach." "Uh-huh?" "Which beach?" "Lady Rosenbloom?" "That's me." "You can call me Veronica." "That's fine." "Our club has been using that beach for over 20 years." "It's always been a naturist place." "But now the council won't let us use the car park." "They've got themselves a warden, and he's writing down our number plates." "What exactly is their objection?" "The new residents are complaining." "There's no law against nudity per se." "Why would there be?" "It's wonderfully liberating." "We are respectable members of the community." "My husband is a police officer." "Yes, I'm aware of that." "It's one of the reasons I'm having difficulty concentrating." "Oh, sorry." " Sorry." " I'm so sorry." "Where do I know him from?" "What part of "you cannot be seen by anyone" do you find difficult to understand?" "That naked man in there is Sergeant Appleby, a police officer." "I didn't know you were with a client." "Well, I did, but I didn't know where..." "You've changed everything around." "Just stay out of sight until I can think of what to do with you." "All right." "I'll go and help Honor with Johnny." " Danny." " Daniel, actually." "I spoke to the council." "They said the people living beside the car park have a problem with your naturists wandering around starkers." "So, you're back, are you?" "Great!" "I know he's your brother." "Gloria told me." "Well, he is practically family." "Does Honor know?" "I'm sorry." "Who's this?" "Lyle is our trainee." "Yes, but I'm also now an accomplice to fraud." "His crime could ruin my reputation." "You don't have a reputation, Lyle." "You're not qualified." "Look, I'm sorry, it isn't your problem, all right?" "Peter!" "Jim Wright's daughter Patricia is on the phone." "You." "Naked people, now, before they get a chill." "And you, up the stairs, and not a squeak." "Have you brought your boxing gloves and your gum shields?" "I've never seen anything like it." "Patricia went absolutely mental." "Ooh." "Better keep my voice down." "I've seen that look before, Peter." "It's either sexual frustration or you're constipated." "Well, Aunt, I have got some big news." "Simon's back." "The sneaky little shit." " Patricia." " Peter." "How's your father?" "Not well." "He's come back from the cardiac clinic with a new private nurse." "Well, that's lovely." "No." "A real little gold digger." "Didn't Auriel tell you?" "She attacked me this morning." "The way I heard it, it was the other way round." "Filling his head with nonsense." "She's calling herself his girlfriend." "Now, I know you're very fond of my father, as am I, Peter." " I want you to give her this." " Oh, now..." "She's only in it for the money." " £10,000 should see her off." " A bribe?" "!" "Pay-off." "Compensation for losing the new love of her life." "Patricia, I can't be a party to this." "I love my father, and if you don't do this, I will." "What's your diagnosis, Doctor?" "Is it serious?" "Well, in five months' time you're going to have a baby." "I'm pregnant?" "Yes." " No, really?" " Yes." "You're going to be a mother." "It's amazing what you've done with this place, isn't it?" "(Door opens)" "MAN:" "Mr Kingdom!" "Sh." "MAN:" "Mr Kingdom!" "Oh, Mrs Millington." "I'm sorry, Sidney." "You're not really allowed in today." "May I give you a call later?" "Well..." "Oh!" "Ah!" "So Patricia spoke to you?" "Or are you just checking that I'm still alive?" "Your daughter is very worried about you." "You might think she's all sweetness and light." "Believe me, Prunella just doesn't know how to enjoy life." "You mean Patricia." "Prunella was your wife." "What?" "Oh, yes, yes." "You know what I mean." "I don't care what she said to you." "I want you to re-draft my will, leave Heather everything." "Except the house." "Patricia can stay there." "Do you think that's wise?" "I mean, you've only just met, and she is 40 years younger than you." "38, actually." "Look, I love her." "She loves me." "You only have one heart in this life, Peter." "Oh, darling." "This is my solicitor Peter Kingdom." "He's been speaking with Patricia." "Lovely." " Nice to meet you." " And you too." "Come on." "I want to show you the ducklings." "Oh, lovely." "See you later." "I'm trying to understand the basis for your complaint." "We live here." "We shouldn't have naked people strolling about willy-nilly." "No." "Right." "So where exactly does this take place?" "Right in front of our eyes." "Every day." "You coming for a dip, Lyle?" "Nutters." "What on earth do you think you're doing?" "Sorry." "Can you excuse me for a minute?" "Honor doesn't want me anywhere near the baby." "I'm bored." "Simon, I'm trying to protect you." "Don't you understand that if you're seen, the police will come here?" "So I'm not allowed near the phone now either?" "Mr Kingdom!" "Heather." "Why don't you come into my office?" "Lyle!" "I don't need to go into your office." "I just came to say thank you for this." "But no, I won't be accepting his daughter's money." "Jim wouldn't want me to." "Why did you think I would?" "I didn't." "I am not that kind of woman." "Thank you." "What to do, what do do?" "I can't make Jim change his mind." "But how do I draft a will that cuts out his own daughter?" "Simple." "Jim's your client." "You have no choice." "If I've got to defend a bunch of naked people, you can re-draft an old man's will." "Yes, I wasn't actually asking you." "I was thinking aloud." "Mind you, he did call Patricia Prunella." "Maybe he's not of sound mind." "He wants to spend his last few years with a woman half his age." "That sounds sane to me." "What kind of daughter would want to prevent her father's happiness?" "It's not as simple as that." "His estate is worth several million..." "MAN:" "Mr Kingdom!" "Ahoy, Mr Kingdom!" "Not now, Mr Snell, if you don't mind." "If you're looking for the nappies, they're on the bottom shelf." " What?" " You don't get it, do you?" "I'm trying." "I don't even know who you are." "All you ever did was lie, "Christopher"." "Well, I'm its father." "His father!" "Well, yeah, biologically." "Peter's been a better father to Daniel than you'll ever be." "You've no idea how difficult it's been for me." "How much hard work it is to be a mother, let alone a single one." "SIMON:" "I'm trying." "HONOR:" "That'sjust my point." "Book 'em, Ronnie." "Yes, sir." "Whoa there." "These are my clients." "What are you doing?" "Taking their numbers so we can send them final warnings in the post." "Not one of them yourself, are you?" "Oh, God, no." "You won't catch me stripping off in public." "Although I would be entirely within my rights to do so if I so wished." "Not if you upset the people living in that house." "They've been taking their clothes off here for 20 years." "Yeah, but the moment their nudity causes distress in a public place, it's a criminal offence." "What is so distressing about the human form?" "It's the most celebrated image in the art world." "Maybe." "But your friend over there is rather more bottom than Botticelli." "Have you got her number?" "Is there something I can help you with?" "Oh." "Um..." "Well..." "Yeah." "I was just sort of looking for some old files." "Conveyancing stuff for my house." "About '95, '96." "I've moved them." "They're on a shelf by my desk." "I'm sorry, Patricia." "Heather is quite set on him." "And your father has decided, and as he seems to be in sound mind and under no duress, there's nothing I can do." "I know I'm right about her." "About this." "You owe it to my father." "St John's Hospice?" "Heather worked there for a while." "According to the woman who runs the place, she was named in a patient's will and left straight after he died." "She said Heather was named in a will?" "You could ring her yourself if you don't believe me." "Oh, no." "Now, come on!" "What do you think you're doing?" "The grass is wet." "On the contrary." "The grass is medicinal." "You're worse than your mother was." "Do you know that?" "Thank you, yes." "Do you have any record of her being intimate with anyone else, other than this..." "I see." "Oh, my lord." " DC Yelland's here." " Oh, ruddy hell." " Come on, you." " Don't pull me." "If he sees you, we're ruined!" "Why?" "All I did was screw up my own suicide and pretend to be someone else." " Are you saying you didn't fake it?" " Well, of course I didn't fake it." "Peter!" "Ah, yes, yes!" "Get in there." "(Laughs)" "Peter?" "GLORIA:" "Come on!" " Lyle, guard that door." "Peter, the door's stuck!" "Ah!" "DC Yelland." "How lovely to see you." "Peter..." "I should warn you." "This is about your brother." "Ah, well." "Perhaps we'd better discuss it in my office." "No." "This will only take a minute." " This is fun." " Sh." "Have you put on weight?" "Ha ha." "This is serious." "This is us trying to save your arse." "Peter, I don't want to give you false hope, but... the rumour is that Simon's been seen around these parts." " These parts?" " Here." "Market Shipborough." "He's back?" "We used to play hide and seek in here." "You did." "Mum wouldn't let me play in confined spaces." "When exactly did you last hear from him?" "(Phone rings)" "Peter Kingdom." "Yes." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Brian, I'm going to have to take this." "I hate the dark." "Do you?" "I quite like it, myself." "Did you really try and kill yourself?" "Oh, come on." "It's my life." "I'm entitled to my own mistakes." "Yeah." "And I was entitled to a phone call when you disappeared for a year and a half." "I was worried sick about you." "Not for a moment did you think..." ""What's Beatrice going through?" "What about her?"" "Because maybe her life is bloody difficult as well, Simon." "PETER:" "Now..." "What's that?" "Um..." "It's er..." "It's just a little adventure." "No." "Not any more." "No more games." "I'm not the same person, even if you are." "He's in a lot of trouble, Peter." " You let me know the minute you see him." " Of course." "Of course." "Ah, hello." "What?" "This old thing?" "Yes, it's Stella McCartney." "Arresting, isn't it?" "She has a thing about, um, cupboards." "(Laughs) Anyway..." "See you later..." "PC Yelland." "Bye." "(Knocking)" "SIMON:" "Beatrice." "Can I come out now?" "Argh!" "I got a call from an ex-colleague at St John's Hospice." "You've been checking up on me, haven't you?" "I have a duty to protect the interests of my clients." "He doesn't want protecting." "Yes, there was someone at St John's." "Yes, they did leave me money when they died." "So why did you resign, then?" "People were talking about me behind my back." "I had to leave." "Look, I don't care about his money." "All right?" "Things have changed, Mr Kingdom." "Jim has changed me." "And anyway, we're past all that." "We're getting married." "Peter, Heather, come quickly." "It's Jim." "He's had a heart attack." "He's stable now." "He is stable, but... the second heart attack so soon after the last..." "One way or another, we need to sort this out." "MAN:" "Say that again." "Look, I've got it." "It's simple." "We split the car park in two and build a big screen down the middle." "We get the nudists to park on one side of the screen... (Hangs up)" "Hello?" "Hello, Sandy." "How are you?" "Poor old Jim." "I found him in his room just after Heather left." "She'd been with him?" "Yes." "Why?" "Do you think the exertion might have tipped him over the edge?" "Aunt Auriel, I refuse to let you bring sex into this conversation." "Who said anything about sex?" "She was helping him with his physio." " Is he all right?" " Can I have a word?" "Oh, for God's sake..." "If you can't be pleasant, don't bother coming in." "I don't want any more lectures." "I'm not a child." "No, but I am your child." "If she is more important to you, then I'll just go, then." "Shall I?" "Oh..." "That's perfectly clear, isn't it?" " Oh, wait, Patricia." " Let me go." "He didn't mean it." "You're the only family he's got." "Not for much longer." "So, why won't Peter see me?" "He's trying out a new policy." "Appointments only." "Oh." "When can I come in?" "I might have to get back to you on that one." "You don't think Heather was trying to give Mr Wright a heart attack?" "Lyle, please." "She does stand to inherit a lot of money if he croaks." "When he marries her, his previous wills become invalid." "I think she planned it all along." "You've only got her word about what happened at St John's." "Yes." "Well, perhaps if we stopped leaping to outrageous conclusions, we might actually uncover the facts of the case." "Get St John's on the phone for me anyway, would you?" "No!" "Oh." "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Argh!" "(Splash)" "All I can say is, she wasn't at St John's for very long." "And why did she leave?" "I can't give out personal information without Heather's permission." "Was she particularly close to any of the patients?" "Mr Kingdom, it's confidential." "I won't say anything more about it." "If you'll excuse me..." "I told you." "She's a gold digger." "You have to tell Mr Wright." "We don't deal in supposition, Lyle." "Well, you know what they say." "If it looks like a shark and walks like a shark, it probably is a shark." "Yes, well, it isn't a shark." "And anyway, who have you ever heard say that?" "No." "Second thoughts, don't want to know." "Life's too short." "(Phone rings)" "Lyle Anderson." "Yes, Ted." "There's a club meeting at the pub. 6:30." "We want a progress report." "Don't let us down, Lyle." "It's your pipes, Ted." "They're blocked." "Naturist problems?" "What's the point?" "Council aren't going to back a bunch of weirdos, are they?" "That bunch of weirdos are your clients, Lyle." " You've got to be prepared to fight for them." " I'll be a laughing stock." "Well, maybe so, but no-one is going to respect you if you quit." "Are they?" "(Knocking)" "I'll put you down for that appointment." "(Knocking continues)" "SIMON:" "Beatrice!" "Is that you?" "Beatrice?" "Hurry up!" "Didn't you have a key?" "Is that the new look?" "What happened to you?" "I fell." "She did a very silly thing." "No." "I was trying to save them." "Seagulls are not supposed to take antidepressants." "We need to clear the air about Simon." "No, Honor." "It's fine." "The father of your child's back." "I know where I stand." "No, Lyle." "I don't think you do." "Evening, Lyle." "Important meeting." "I've got to go." "Sandy!" "Sandy!" "Beatrice." "Are you all right?" "What's the matter?" "Is it Simon?" "No, it is not bloody Simon." "Simon's fine." "Simon has gone for a walk." "What?" "He's left the building?" "Said he was going to the beach." "Can this wait?" "Oh, yes." "Don't mind me." "I'm only your bloody sister." "Too right it can wait." "You're so bloody naive." "I know what it's like." "You're pregnant, aren't you?" "Don't have a go at me." "I needed some air." "Well, fine." "Cards on the table, then." "What happened?" "I did walk out into the sea." "You know how they say that fishermen don't learn to swim?" "Apparently the more you struggle, the longer it takes for you to die." "You're just better off accepting it." "But you couldn't accept it?" "No." "I was out there for about... six hours." "Then I came to, and I was still breathing," "and I realised that I had a second chance." "But I still had to run away... from my debts, from... the world, from you." "From myself." "But Simon..." "You planned this." "You..." "You stole someone's identity." "It's a bloody mess." "So why did you come home now?" "It's not easy pretending to be someone else all the time." "You start to forget who you really are." "I haven't treated you right." "I know that." "That's important, isn't it?" "So that's why I've come back." "What are we going to tell the police?" "Don't know." "I spoke to the council again, and I'm afraid they're sticking to their guns." "You're not trying." "I am." "They've just refused all my suggestions." "(Groans)" "It's not looking good." "You're one of them." "(Murmurs of agreement)" "You have one minute." "Right." "Ah..." "Don't worry." "I'm not dead yet." "I..." "I'm sorry about earlier." "That business with Patricia." "Ever since her mother died, she's been trying to run my life." "Well, anyway, Jim, much against my better judgement," "I have drafted the will as you requested." "Everything except the house goes to Heather." "Good man." "We'll need two witnesses." "I'll ask the nurses." "Before that, there's something I have to tell you." "Certain information has come to light about Heather." "It seems that on at least one occasion, she's made money out of a patient's death." "I know everything I need to know about Heather." "She's had to deal with every kind of crap that life has thrown at her." "You can't imagine." "When we met here in the cardiac clinic, we just hit it off." "I want her to be my wife." "All this bother is because..." "she's young and I'm old." "But what about Patricia?" "She has the house." "She'll be all right." "(Coughs)" "I want..." "I want Heather to have my money." "She's doing the same for me." "It's what we've agreed." "We're leaving everything to each other." "(Knock at door)" " Ah..." "I know you're doing your best, Peter." "But you just ask the doctors here, and they'll tell you." "You can't help everyone." "Right." "There you are." "(Chanting) Off!" "Off!" "(Chanting continues)" "(Cheering)" "Yay!" "Comrades." "We shall prevail." "Morning, Lyle." "Your new client rang to say she's going to be a bit late." "Well, at least I'm on time." "Thanks, mate." "That's the case for my defence." "Evidence." "Do you know what that means?" "About three to five years probably." "You and I need to sit down together, decide what we're going to tell DC Yelland." "Peter!" "Can you get Patricia Wright on the phone for me?" "I'm trying to tell you something important." "Beatrice asked me to give you this." "What am I looking at?" "Simon, for God's sake." "Beatrice is pregnant." "(Knock at door)" "Oh, God." "I'm not meant to be here." "I wanted to catch the earlier train." "I don't see why you have to go at all." "Surely now is exactly when you need us most." "Will you give me a lift to the station?" "If I am to do this properly, I'm going to have to come off my medication." "And to do that, I'm going to need much more support than you're able to give." "It's going to be really hard for me, Peter, but it's the best thing for the baby." "Anyway, you really don't need another addict in the family." "Or another baby, for that matter." "Simon's back now." "Exactly." "With Simon there's always a whole load of shit to deal with." "Anyway, you've got Danny and Honor to think of now." "So, just as one troublesome sibling returns from the dead, the one I'm really going to miss is running away." "I'm not running away." "I'm really not." "This is the first grown-up decision of my life." "I'm going because I have to." "Oh, are you taking Milly?" "She is mine, Peter." "I'll miss you both." "You've got the number of the clinic." "You can always call." "Look out for Simon." "Right." "So we're all agreed." "You can go nude on the beach, but no taking your togs off in the car park." "We've got to park somewhere." "You don't have to do it naked." "Just keep your togs on until you reach the beach itself." "They're taking the mickey with those aprons." "No, they're just trying to make a point." "Which is?" "The human body isn't offensive." "Right." "It's just a bit wrinkly sometimes." "It's disgusting, is what it is." "Have three kids and see what it does to your hips." "I don't want to know." "Look, I don't want to see any of them naked either." "Well, not all of them, anyway." "You're filthy, disgusting perverts." "Let me finish, Maureen." "And I won't have any of you stripping off." "Not on my doorstep." "Not in my house." "Not on your life." "Not now, not ever." "I will not have nakedness of any kind." "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm stripping off, Mervin." "You are coming with me." "Right." "Mr Kingdom." "Mr Snell." "I really don't have time for this right now." " Do you mind making an appointment?" " I have, and it's now." "Here's the fee I owe on my account." "I know you're only trying to put me off paying, but you know me, Mr Kingdom." "I like to do what's right." "I bid you good day." "SIMON:" "Where are we going?" "PETER:" "I'm taking you to see Auriel." "Don't worry." "I'm not stealing." "He's asked me to get some of his things." "Actually, I need your help." "My help?" "Mm." "I need you to offer an olive branch to Patricia." "Aunt Auriel." "You're looking divine as ever." "You haven't told the police you're back, have you?" "Well, the paparazzi, Auriel." "They follow me everywhere." "You know what it's like." "Um..." "May I have a hug, please?" "Come here." "I knew you'd surface eventually." " Bye." " Bye-bye." "You still need to go and see the police." " This problem isn't just going to go away." " I'm not going." "You agreed." "I'm not going to see the police, so we'll just drop it, OK?" "If you want to stay in Market Shipborough..." "If you want to stay in England for that..." "You're not staying." "I can't risk going to jail, all right?" "Er, Patricia." "Um, will you come with me to see your father?" "Not if that money-grabbing tramp is with him." "You might as well know that I have amended his will in accordance with his instructions." "Peter, how could you?" "Please, we're past that now." "You all have to talk before it's too late." "That went well, then?" "Don't you talk to me." "I wash my hands of you." "I want you to pack your bags and go." "No problem, Peter." "Whatever you want." "So." "What does Honor think of your new friendship?" "Honor?" "What?" "What do you care?" "Sandy doesn't date part-time nudists." "Says she can't go out with someone who is uncomfortable in their own skin." "Sadly for her, that rules out more than half the human race." "Tell me, how are things going with our bare-bottomed friends?" "A few wrinkles to iron out." "Cracks to paper over." "Hop in." "Oh." "She's not here." "Go and find her." "Mr Wright?" "Jim." "Is Patricia with you?" "I'm afraid not." "Hi." "I'm looking for Room 8." "Just on your left-hand side." "OK?" "PETER:" "Maybe if you were to make the first move..." "It's never too late to build bridges." "You never know." "You might get Patricia and Heather to talk." "I'd be more than happy to mediate." "They can't." "Of course they can." "All it takes is a bit of good will on both sides." "No." "Peter." "They can't." "Heather's dead." "That's why I made the will." "And now I've lost them both." "She never worked here." "She was a patient, not a nurse." "She had a congenital heart defect which was worse than his." "That's how they met." "I just heard." "How is he?" "In shock." "Not good." "I said such awful things about her." "To him." "They made mutual wills." "She left everything to him." "So eventually, at some point, all his money and hers will come to you." "I'm so sorry." "I know." "Forgive me." "Right, then." "Right, then." "Simon Kingdom." "You're under arrest"