"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "You try and have a nice kip, eh?" "His legs are still playing him up." "I told him not to run in the London Marathon." "Anyway, he's not coming to the tenants' meeting." " You're still coming?" " No way, Bruv." "I'm going out with the little waitress from the Pizza Palace." "How'd you pull her?" "I read somewhere that women are turned on by men in power." "I told her I was a Euro minister." " And she believed you?" " Yeah!" "She must be thicker than those pizzas she dishes out." "Oi!" "Don't get sardonic!" " What's this about?" " I'm writing questions to ask at the meeting." "Like why are the lifts out of action?" "No, more important things than that, Del." "I mean, in the last year or so, we've had a crime explosion on this estate." "Yet the police don't come near or by." " I want to know the reason." " They can't get on the estate, can they?" "The natives won't let 'em!" " That's rubbish!" " No, it ain't!" "Last month, a copper came round to return a lost dog and we had three nights of rioting." "I don't care what their excuses are, I'm gonna demand more police patrols on this estate." "Not too many, Rodney!" "I'm writing out a catalogue of crime, see what the Chairman's got to say about that!" "Some catalogue, ain't it?" "May 6th, Grandad's shopping trolley stolen from pram sheds." "Well, that's the only one I can think of!" "Gordon Bennett!" "There are 2,000 stories in the naked city, and this plonker is looking for a basket on wheels!" "I've heard of other crimes, but I don't know the times and dates and what-have-you." "I need to provide details, not rumours." "Tell them about poor Rita Aldridge." "Yes, good idea!" "Ri..." "What happened to Rita Aldridge, then?" "Last Friday night, she was indecently assaulted by the adventure playground." " No!" " Yeah!" " She report it?" " Yeah, I saw her this morning." "She'd just seen the police." "Right, that's exactly the sort of thing..." "Hold on, if this happened Friday, how come it's taken till Wednesday to report it?" "Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning, when the bloke's cheque bounced." "(COUGHING)" "(COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING)" "Ahem!" "(TRIGGER) How you doing, Dave?" "(RODNEY) All right, Trig?" " No Del Boy?" " No, he's out." "How's your grandad?" "I heard his legs was bad." "Yeah, well, it's probably just a touch of fibrositis." "That's how my nan started off." "D'you ever meet my nan?" "Well, only at her funeral." "You were at her funeral, weren't you, Dave?" "Trig, why d'you call me Dave?" "My name's not Dave." "My name's Rodney." " I thought it was Dave." " No, it's Rodney." " Are you sure?" " Yeah, I'm positive!" "I've looked it up on my birth certificate and passport and everything." "It is definitely Rodney." "Oh, well, you live and learn!" "So what's Dave?" "A nickname, like?" "No!" "You're the only one who calls me Dave." "Everybody else calls me Rodney!" "And the reason they call me Rodney is because Rodney is my name." "Well, I shall have to get used to calling you Rodney." "Basil, are you gonna start the meeting?" "Me and Dave ain't got all night!" " Rodney!" " Yeah, yeah." "Can't start the meeting without the Vice-Chairman in attendance." " How long's he gonna be?" " Could be a hell of a long time, son." "He died a fortnight ago." "Died?" "What was the point of calling the meeting?" "I was hoping, if we had a bigger turnout, to elect a new Vice-Chairman from the floor." "You need a new Vice-Chairman?" "If it's any help, Bas, I nominate Rodney." " What?" "!" " Seconded!" " Hang on a minute!" " All in favour!" "Against?" "Accepted." "Welcome aboard, son." "But..." "I don't want to be Vice-Chairman!" "I thought you was interested in all that political malarkey." "Yeah, I am, but I don't want this job." "Well, I suppose Del Boy was right all along." "What d'you mean?" "He always said you was too immature to accept responsibility." "Oh, did he?" "We'll have to see about that." "Where do I sit, Bas?" "Where do I sit, Bas?" "Eh?" "Oh, next to me, son." "Right!" "I declare this meeting open!" "The first item on the agenda is my resignation." "You are the new Chairman." "Congratulations, son." " Goin' down there, Trig?" " I'll have a quick one, Bas." " Oi!" "What about the meeting?" " You'll have to close it, there's no Vice-Chairman!" "Oh, yeah." "Well, um...meeting closed." "He done that well, didn't he, Trig?" "Lovely oranges!" "3 for 25p!" "They're juicy, full of vitamin C!" "Suck one of these and you'll never catch scurvy!" "Three?" "Here you go!" "25p, God bless you, love!" "Look after yourself!" "Come on, girls!" "Finest oranges, just in from Seville!" "They're fresh, then?" "Fresh?" "They were playing castanets this morning, darling." "3?" "Here you go, ein, zwei...deux!" "'Ere, take this one for luck!" " Thank you very much." " Bless you, love, don't swallow the pips." "Come on...!" "Where the ruddy hell have you been?" "You know where I've been." "I told you I had to go down the Town Hall." "You said 20 minutes." "That was 4 hours ago!" "Sorry, I got a bit involved with council business." "Oh, did you?" "I got a bit involved myself - with silly little things like trying to organise us some profit." "Oi!" "You little git!" "(CRASH!" ") Get your priorities straight!" "Do you want to be Chairman of the Tenants' Association or work this pitch?" "I had to go down and introduce meself to Miss McKenzie." "Oh?" "Who's Miss McKenzie?" "She's in charge of housing and welfare at the Town Hall." "She's a very important lady." "She was very impressed with me." "She would be." "It's the suit, ain't it?" "What d'you want, three?" "God bless!" "She's very intelligent, we got on really well." "They do say opposites attract." "Come on, you, get these crates sorted out." "What?" "Come on, Del!" "Don't you think it'll be a bit demeaning for the Chairman of the Tenants' Association to be seen humping dirty old crates around the market?" "D'you want any wages tomorrow?" "Where shall I put them?" "Don't tempt me, Rodney, don't tempt me!" " All right, Del Boy?" " Hello, Grandad!" "What are you doing here?" "I just been getting something in for dinner." "What have I got, Grandad?" " D'you like haddock pie, Del?" " No, I don't!" "You've got haddock pie, Rodney." "Triffic!" " How's your legs?" " Still hurting." "I told you, they're growing pains!" "If you want to hang on, I'll give you a lift in the van." "No, that's all right, Rodney, I'll try and walk it off." "See you later." "Yeah, see ya!" "Has he got pineapples?" "No, I think it's just rheumatism." "No, sorry, we haven't got any." "No, we haven't got any pineapples, love." "It's this weather." "You can't get people to pick 'em!" "I've got some nice pineapple-tasting oranges." "I got them in special today." "I knew you was coming." "They're Spanish from Seville, 3 for 25p - to you, 6 for 90...!" "(RODNEY) Me and Miss McKenzie were thinking of forming a police and local community action committee." "You want to get those pigging lifts fixed first!" "That's all right, that's all in hand!" "Oh, look at this!" "He ain't even put the shopping awa..." "The lazy git!" "I'm going to sack him one of these days!" "Del!" "Oh, my God!" "Grandad!" "Grandad!" " What's the matter with him?" " How the hell do I know?" " Del, the brandy!" " Yeah!" "No, he ain't been at this!" "I meant pour him some!" "Shall I give him the kiss of life?" "I ain't that bad, Rodney!" "Thank God for that, you're alive...erm, awake!" " Here!" " I just got up to switch over to Crossroads." " What happened?" " I dunno, Del Boy, I didn't see the end of it!" "We actually meant, what happened to you?" "I just came over bad, Rodney." "Me legs give way." "Them stairs'll be the death of me." "Come on, come on, Get him to bed." "Come on, Grandad, get up!" "I'll put him to bed, you phone the doctor, Rodney." "No need to call the doctor, Del Boy, I'll be all right." "You just shut up!" "It's nothing to do with you!" "Good evening." "Put me through to Dr Becker, please." "Yes, it is an emergency." "Hello, Dr Becker, sorry to bother you, but it's my grandad, he's not very well." "Yeah, my name is Trotter, we live on the estate..." "Oh, you remember." "Could you..." "Has what cleared up?" "No, I never had anything like that!" "No, no, you must be getting me mixed up with somebody else." " When's he coming round?" " Can you come straight away, please?" " You're going out to dinner?" " He can have dinner here." "You can have dinner here." "He can have my haddock pie!" "Your haddock pie?" "Give us that, will you?" "Hello, Doctor, my name is Del Trotter." "You don't know me, but we have a mutual friend, Rita Aldridge." "That's right, and I talk to your good wife every day in the market..." "Right!" "He's on his way round." "Make sure he gets plenty of sleep and lots of fresh air." "We could put his bed on the balcony!" "Fresh air!" "Fresh air?" "Haven't you noticed all the juggernauts and buses smoking away past this place?" "The only fresh air Grandad gets is listening to the Archers." "There isn't much I can do about the pollution." "I know, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Doctor." " What about his legs?" " He's got legs like Nijinsky's." "Nijinsky's a racehorse!" "No, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer." "I don't!" "Oh!" "What's the matter with him, Doctor?" "Exhaustion!" "Twelve flights of stairs - difficult for a young man, let alone someone of your grandfather's age." "What he needs is ground floor accommodation." "Have you seen those new council bungalows in Herrington Road?" "They're lovely, ain't they?" "They've got three bedrooms, little garden, opposite the park." "Still, what chance do we stand?" "You need to have nine kids and speak with a foreign accent to get one of them." "If you think it'd do any good, I can write to the council recommending you be moved." "You did that for my mum back in 1962, and they moved us here!" "(SOBBING) I'm going to put the shopping away!" "The only other thing that would hold sway with the council's housing department would be support from the Chairman of the Tenants' Association." "Who is the Chairman of the Association these days?" "It's me!" "All right, all right." " Good boy!" " What?" "Nothing, good boy!" "Didn't know you were in here." "You keeping a vigil?" "No, I'm just sitting here with Grandad." " What you got there?" " Just some fruit." "Got him some grapes, have you?" "No, they're oranges!" "Orang..." " Oranges?" " I couldn't think of what else to get him!" "Del, you know I'd like to help." "I've nothing further to say on the subject." "'Ere you are, Grandad, have a suck on that!" "How you can do this to your own flesh and blood, I've no idea!" "What's Miss McKenzie going to think, eh?" "I've only been Chairman for two days, and already I'm offering you a bungalow." "I'm not...!" "I'm not concerned with what she thinks, I'm only concerned with Grandad." "Look at him!" "I mean, his brain went years ago!" "Now his legs are gone." "There's only the middle bit of him left!" " We could take him to Lourdes." " Lords?" "Lords?" "He don't even like cricket!" "I meant Lourdes, in France." "Oh, Lourdes in France." "No, no, that's no good." "What you gain on the miracle cures, you lose on the sea-sickness on the way home." "Still here, Del Boy?" "I'm here, Grandad." "Don't worry." "Look, Rodney's brought you some oranges!" "I'll put them over there, shall I?" "With the other 3,000." "You're a good boy, Rodney." "You've always looked after your old grandad." "Rodney?" "Put your hand under my pillow." "Yeah, OK." "Why?" "What's under there?" "Just something what was left to me by my grandad." " What is it?" " My grandad's old cigarette case." "He carried that with him right throughout the Boer War." "That's a bit of history you're holding there." "And I mean real history, not like them Nelson's eye patches Del Boy flogs to the tourists." "What's this big dent?" "Oh, there's a story behind that, Rodney." "See, one night, my grandad was on sentry duty, standing out there alone in the middle of Africa." "Suddenly, a sniper fired at him!" "The bullet was headed straight for my grandad's heart, but he had that cigarette case in his breast pocket, and the bullet hit that instead." "Jeez!" "It saved his life!" "Well, not really." "See, the bullet ricocheted up his nose and blew his brains out." "I want you to have it, Rodney." " What?" " My gran always said it were lucky." "Lucky?" "Grandad, it made the bullet ricochet up his nose and blow his brains out." "It could have ricocheted downwards and ruined his entire life." "D'you know where he died, Rodney?" "Fighting the Zulus at the battle of Rorke's Drift." "No, was he actually there?" "Oh, cosmic!" "I always thought it was the Welsh." "No, it was definitely the Zulus, I saw the film!" "You keep that with you always, Rodney." "It'll be something to remember me by." " Don't talk like that!" " It's all right, Grandad, it's all right." "He'll remember what he done to you, I'll see to that, don't you worry!" "Oh, don't keep on at him, Del, he's doing what he thinks is best." "'Sides, I might not have liked living on the ground." "I've always been up in the air somewhere." "I think I would have liked the garden, though." "I could've grown some flowers." "I've never, ever had a garden." "Still, what you've never had, you never miss, eh, Del Boy?" "That's right, Grandad, that's right." "Rodney, where are you going?" "(SOBBING) I'm phoning Miss McKenzie about a bungalow." "That's a good boy, Rodney, good boy!" "You know it makes sense." "Welcome back, you're one of the family again!" "Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated!" "Well, you'll have to wait till morning, they'll be closed now." "Oh, God!" "Rodney?" "Come on, clear this place up!" "That old biddy from the council will be here soon!" "Del, I'd like you to meet Miss McKenzie." " Look!" " Good evening!" "Attendez, I'm sure!" "Please do sit down, Miss McKenzie." "Can I get you a drink?" "Tea, coffee, Pina Colada?" "No, thank you." "That's very kind of you, Mr Trotter." "Mais oui, mais oui." "Derek, if you please." "Derek." "I've just been in to see your grandfather." "He's a very interesting man." "He told me how his grandfather died at Rorke's Drift." "Well, no, he wasn't actually at Rorke's Drift." "What he was doing, see, he was camped in a little field behind it." "One night he went over to the Zulus to complain about the noise." "Was it always your ambition to work for the council, Miss McKenzie?" " Please, call me Margaret." " Margaret." "Margaret?" "That is my most favourite name." "Thank you." "Actually, I wanted to be a choreographer." "What a coincidence." "I always wanted to go into the medical profession myself." "A choreographer, Del." "It means she wanted to teach dance." "Oh, yeah, that sort of choreographer, yeah." "Are you interested in dancing, then, Margaret?" "I was a student of dance for two years." "Was you really?" "Amazing, so was I." "I was at the London School of Dance, Knightsbridge." "Del was at the Arthur Murray School, Lewisham." "Thank you, Rodney." "Why don't you go into the kitchen and put your head in the food blender?" "Do you like ballet, Margaret?" " Yes, very much." " So do I, it's triffic." "What about that Nijinsky, eh?" " Nijinsky?" " Fabulous dancer, for a Soviet." " Yes, I suppose so." " I'm a great fan." " Of Nijinsky's?" " Yes." "I was thinking of getting tickets for one of the shows." "Derek, Nijinsky died in 1950." "Did she?" "She?" "Nijinsky was a man." "Ah!" "Oh, yeah!" "'Course he was, sorry, sorry!" "I always get him mixed up with..." " Arkle?" " Yeah, Arkle." "Well, that seems to be about it." "I think I have all the information I need." "How soon will we know if our application has been accepted?" "Right now, Rodney." "I've just signed it." "You mean we've got the bungalow?" "Of course." "Here's your new rent book and all the necessary paperwork." "I don't believe it!" "Sure you don't want to double check nothing?" "That won't be necessary, Margaret knows what she's doing." "I dunno what to say!" "Just say thank you to the nice lady." "Really, there's no need." "I'm only too pleased to help." "Many people get voted onto tenants' committees purely for their own ends, but Rodney's different, he cares." "He does, he cares." "He's a diamond, he really is." "I hope you'll be very happy in your new home." "I'll see you at our next meeting?" "Yes, yes, of course." "Thanks again." "I can't wait to tell Grandad!" " I suppose we'd..." " I'll see Margaret out, Rodney!" "Excuse me." "Don't drink it." "I suppose you must have pulled a few strings." "Let's say I applied some liberal interpretations to our rules." "If there was some way I could show my appreciation..." "But, mon dieu, mon dieu, why don't I take you for a celebratory drink?" "That's very nice, but I have a lot of paperwork to finish." "OK, some other time, maybe?" "Yes, well, goodbye!" "No, not goodbye, Margaret, just bonjour!" "Well, we done it!" "That is the power of being a chairman, Del." "It was my chat what did it!" "Oh, yeah, it was your chat (!" ")" ""Choreographer?" "I've always wanted to be in the medical profession." (!" ")" "Cut that out, will you?" "!" "Have we got it, Del?" "'Course we got it, Grandad." "We move in next week!" "Wahay!" "# My old man said follow the van, And don't dilly-dally on the way!" "#" "I'll get you a beer, Grandad!" "# .." "With me old man in it, I followed on with me old cock linnet #" "# I dillied, I dallied, dallied and dill... #" "We feeling a little bit better, Grandad?" "I'm feeling on top of the world, Rodney!" "You know, I thought as much!" "Five minutes ago, you couldn't wiggle your toes, now you're doing an audition for the Hot Shoe Show." "You two have really stitched me up, ain't you?" "But not just me, Dr Becker and Miss McKenzie as well." "Oh, shut up, you tart!" "We couldn't let you in on our little plan." "You...you're, to put it politely, full of principle, ain't you?" " 'Ere, Grandad!" " How else could we have done it?" "We've got ourselves a beautiful new home, a bit of garden, a garage and no stairs!" "Grandad, the point is, we li..." "I suppose them stairs were a bit much for you." "And I can hardly blame Del for the lifts breaking down." "(DOORBELL)" " You even went to the trouble...?" "!" " I'll get it!" " I'm gonna hurt you!" "Oh, hello, Margaret!" "Did you forget something?" "Only my manners, I'm sorry to say." "I realised that you would like to celebrate your new home, but, as Rodney would have to stay in with Grandad, you'd have no one to go with." "So, if your invitation is still open?" "Oh, yeah, 'course it is!" "If you'd just hang on uno momento." "I mustn't have too much to drink though." "It goes straight to my head!" "Does it really?" "We'll have to keep our eye on you, then, won't we?" "I'm off out." "I don't know when I'll be back but don't put the Chubb on." "What I thought we might do is slip down the Nag's Head for a couple of swift halves, then we could go on to this little spic drinking club I know in New Cross." " I don't want to be out too late." " Don't worry, we'll get you to your flat for 3." "Del, don't forget your scarf..." "Oh, my Gawd!" "Well, hello again!" " He seems to be over the worst." " Well, it comes and goes." " So it would appear." " Collapse!" " What?" " Collapse!" "I shouldn't bother, you might do yourself an injury!" "Oi, you're going to need the keys if..." "I am disgusted with the lot of you!" "But especially with Rodney!" " I believed you!" " I believed me!" "I assume you'll be resigning, Mr Chairman?" "First thing in the morning, yeah." "I'll tell you what I'll do in the morning:" "I'm going to do you all another favour, I'm going to save you the inconvenience of moving!" "Good night to you all!" " Margaret?" " What?" "We still on for that drink?" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street!" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Hooky Street!" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "(DEL) They're beautiful, ain't they?" "I don't care whether your nipper has got mumps or a scabby eye, these will bring a smile back to his face." "Gather round." "Listen, ladies, I wanna tell you something." "Please don't let it go any further." "I may be breaching the Official Secrets Act!" "I happen to know that Prince William has one of these in his nursery at Buck House." "Tell you how I know, shall I?" "His dad gave me a bell and said," "(AS PRINCE CHARLES) "Del Boy, I'm in right lumber." ""The enemy's doing her pieces 'cause I've forgotten Spud's birthday!"" "Spud is the nickname for Prince William." "What did I do?" "I walloped round with one and it was end of aggravation, end of story." "They come with batteries, guaranteed fully house-trained." "Whoops!" "That one isn't." "These are not made in Taiwan or Hong Kong." "These are made in Burma." "What can't speak can't lie!" "Now, listen..." "I'm not gonna mess about with coppers." "That's a Freudian slip!" "I'm not asking for 14 quid, I'm not asking for 10 quid." "Who'll give me six quid?" "(THEME FROM "JAWS")" "If these were fluffy little chicks, you'd be saying "cheap"!" "Going "cheap", geddit?" "("JAWS" THEME)" "I'll tell why I'm getting rid of them." "Because I'm off on holiday and I need me suitcase!" "Right?" "Now what I...er... ("JAWS" THEME)" "Sorry, I can't stay." "Me flight leaves in half an hour." "See yer!" "(TOY DOGS BARKING IN SUITCASE)" "(SOUND OF TOY DOGS BARKING)" "Shut up, will yer?" "(REAL DOGS BARKING)" "Go on, Rodney!" "(REAL DOGS BARKING)" "Had a good day, Del?" "Good day?" "!" "Good day?" "!" "Oh, the best, Grandad, the very bloody best!" "I've been chased by a gendarme, attacked by Pussycat Willum, almost caught rabies, and it's all this dipstick's fault!" "He don't half exaggerate." "Exaggerate?" "!" "In that alley it was like "Call of the Wild"." " Why didn't you warn me about that copper?" " Because I didn't see him." "You didn't see him?" "!" "What d'you want, radar or something?" "Give him the benefit of the doubt, Del Boy." "Thank you, Grandad." "At least somebody understands." "They are difficult to spot with their size 18 boots and their pointed heads." "Why don't you shut yer mouth, you sarky old goat!" "What about last Friday with those Italian shirts?" "Listen to this one, Grandad." "That wasn't just one copper, it was an entire squad car!" "It stood by the kerb, all white with a red stripe through it like a tube of Signal!" " I didn't see it." " You must have been a bit suspicious..." "A ginormous great big jam sandwich pulled up next to you!" " Maybe he needs medical help." " Yeah, like psychiatric treatment!" "Or glasses." "I don't need psychiatric treatment and I don't need specs, right?" "I've had a lot on me mind." "I have to make a very important announcement." "yeah?" "What important announcement?" "All right." "For the past two weeks I've been taking stock of my life." "Who I am, what I am and where I'm going." "That's taken you a fortnight?" "!" "I could've answered them all during a commercial break!" "Just shut up for one minute!" "I am 24 years old." "I have two GCEs, 13 years of schooling and three terms at an Adult Education Centre." "With all that, what have I become?" "I'm a look-out." "No, Rodney, you're wrong, you're not just a look-out..." "You're a bad look-out!" "All right, so I'm not very good at it." "That's 'cause my heart's not in it." "I'm not asking for your heart, just your eyes'll do!" "Del, what I'm trying to say is..." "I'm thinking of breaking up the partnership." "What partnership?" " Ours!" " What for?" "We're doing well, business is booming." "What more d'you want?" "I want to make my own decisions." "I've made one, Del..." "I'm going it alone." " Who with?" " Mickey Pearce." "Mickey Pearce?" "!" "Leave it out!" "He couldn't keep a rabbit in lettuce." "That young Pearcey is a bit too fly for my liking." "He'd rob his own grandmother, he would!" "Don't be stupid, Grandad!" "That was never proved." "Anyway, give credit where it's due!" "Mickey's quite an astute businessman." "And he's putting capital into this venture." "He's putting money in, is he?" "Well, no, but he will as soon as his giro cheque arrives." " I see." "And what are you putting in?" " I've got money, Del!" "Yeah, I've got my half of the partnership." "What partnersh...?" "Our par...?" "All right, if that is the way you want it, my son." "You'll have to understand one thing, Rodney." "Going it alone means exactly what it says." "You pay your own way in the world, in the pubs and in this house." "You make a mistake, you stick by that mistake." "Fine!" "If things don't go right, I don't want no moaning from you." " I won't moan about nothing." " Right!" "There you go, then." "Is this all I got?" "All them years of work and you give me this?" "!" "Well, business is a bit shaky, profits are down..." "Just now you said we was doing well!" "We are doing well, relatively speaking, Rodney." "We are doing well compared to..." "an Iranian gin salesman!" "Anyway, I had to buy some stock off Alfie Flowers yesterday." " A trader is only as good as his stock, right?" " All right." "This'll have to do, then." "I'll prove to you that I have got business acumen and I'm as quick-witted as you, Del." " See you down the auction tomorrow." " How will I recognise you?" "That stripey tie with...." "See you later!" "Lot 35 is a consignment of smoke-damaged fire alarms." "They're industrial models, all guaranteed, sort of, to be in perfect working order." "The night watchman said they all went off when the factory went up!" "There are seventy, all told, and they retail around the 30 quid mark." "I'll start at £50 the lot." " Go on, bid for 'em!" " What do we want fire alarms for, eh?" "How many factories do we know are gonna catch fire?" "All right, Rodney?" "Good morning, Derek." " Hello, young Michael." " Wotcher, Del!" "Good 'ere, innit?" "Triffic." "This is my first auction." "I thought it might be." "Listen, a word of advice." "You gotta be very careful what you do with your hands in this place." "I know you didn't realise, but you just put in a £40 bid for an electric generator when you scratched yer bum!" " Did I?" " He's winding you up." "The state of him!" " What you after?" " Cut-glass goblets." "No, we ain't." " But I thought you said..." " We're not after nothing in particular." "I see." "Now, listen..." "The one you wanna be wary of is Lot 37." "It's nothing more than a load of old scrap iron, so be careful." "See you later." "£130!" "Do I hear any more?" "£130!" "Down to young Towser!" "Ladies and gentlemen, we come to Lot 36." "112 pieces of near perfect cut-glass goblets." "Take a look, ladies and gentlemen!" " This is us, Rodney." " Hang on a minute." "Let's have another look at Lot 37." " Del told us to be careful of that one." " Why d'you think?" "Use yer noddle, Mickey!" "Del's after Lot 37, ain't he?" "He's trying to put us off and leave the field open for him." "I know how his mind works, son." "Right." "Lot 37..." ""Assorted agricultural machinery."" "That could be anything." "That could be tractors, combine harvesters..." "We could take them out to the sticks and do those carrot-crunchers up!" "Shall we go for Lot 37, then?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "Yeah...!" "You bought this, son?" "Yeah." "There's always one at every auction, eh, Del?" "Yeah." "Get two for the same price at this one." " Oi, you!" "This stuff is a load of rubbish." " I did try to warn you, Rodders." " Yeah, but I thought..." " The trouble is, you will insist on thinking!" " What have you bought, then?" " I got those crystal goblets you were after." " What are these things?" " What, those?" "They are lawnmower engines." " Lawnmower engines?" " Yes." "Listen..." "They're not ordinary lawnmower engines." " No?" " No." "They're broken lawnmower engines!" "Del?" "We'll have a few problems getting these back to the depot." "We come down on the Green Line, see?" "Well, your best bet is to hire an open-backed truck, innit?" "Yeah." "We was wondering whether you could take a few in the van?" "Back of my van?" "You must be joking!" "I've only just cleared 'em out of the van!" "You was selling 'em in the first place?" "Yeah." "That is the rubbish Alfie Flowers sold me." "Normally I'd never buy it, but he caught me a bit non compos mentis down the club." "I never thought I'd ever get shot of 'em, but you know me - "He who dares, wins"." "I actually made a tidy little profit on it, an' all!" "What are we supposed to do with 'em?" "Do what I did." "Find yourself a couple of right plonkers with cash on the hip." "What we gonna do?" "Wait till he ain't looking and run away." "We can't do that." "He's got my address." "Well, he ain't got mine." "Oh, thanks, partner!" "You would insist on bidding for 'em." "And who wanted to flog 'em to the carrot-crunchers?" "You said they were combine harvesters and tractors." "The way you were talking we were gonna do a deal with Weetabix!" "(MICKEY) How we gonna get home?" "Hello, Grandad." "Here we are!" "Brought you some strawberries." "Go on, dip in!" "They ain't very big, are they?" "Not big?" "!" "You wouldn't want one up your nose for a wart!" "Well, no!" "Shut up and eat up!" "I'll put the kettle on." "You're splashing out a bit!" "I've had a right blinding week, sold a lot." "I even sold those technicolour woollen tea cosies." "How d'you manage that?" "Who wants woollen tea cosies these days?" "No, I got that Mrs Murphy to stitch up all the holes, then I whipped round the youth centre and I flogged 'em to the West Indian lads as soppy hats!" "There's the house-keeping money, right?" " And there's a tenner for yourself." " Cheers, Del!" " Don't squander it!" " No, I'll invest it wisely..." "How's young Rodney doing?" "The opposition are floundering somewhat." "To be more precise, they're going down like a one-legged man doing the hokey-cokey!" "I've seen Rodney skulking around the garden centres and what-have-yer." "He ain't got rid of them lawnmower engines yet?" "No, they're still in their depot." ""Depot" - that's Mickey Pearce's garden shed!" "Talking about that..." "What happened last Tuesday, somebody broke in and nicked two engines." "Oh, no, that's rotten, innit?" "I feel sorry for young Rodney." "No, it's all right, because Wednesday they broke in again and put 'em back!" "(DOOR SLAMS) Here he is!" "Listen, Del, don't say nothing about them engines." "He's getting embarrassed." "All right, I won't mention 'em." " All right, Del?" " T'rrif, brill, blinding week." "And you?" "Oh, fine, could not be better." "Sold those lawnmower engines yet?" "Lawnmower...?" "Lawnmower...?" "Oh, no." "We've had lots of enquiries, but we're hanging on for the right price." "That is the way, Rodney." "Agent provocateur, as the French say." "That's what I thought." "That reminds me, did my Sun arrive this morning?" " We've had to cancel it, Rodney." " Cancel it?" " You haven't paid." " That's separate as well?" "You're on your own now, remember?" "Yeah, it's all right." "As long as I know." "I'll pay it tomorrow." "You hungry, Rodney?" "Well, I had a hefty lunch with a client..." "but I could manage some egg and chips." " I'll put the pan on." " Just a minute!" "Has he paid his house-keeping money?" "Well, I've a cash-flow problem at the moment." "So has half this estate, but they don't come and eat my egg and chips." " It's all right, I'll pay double next week." " That's all right, then." "You can have double egg and chips next week." "How can you have a cash-flow problem, Rodney?" "You had £200 out of your share." "Yeah, that's right, but Mickey's holding the money." "Well, he's financial director, see?" "Pop round and get some money." "Yeah, I would, but he's..." "out of town at the moment." "I thought I hadn't seen him around for some days." "No...no..." "That's 'cause...erm..." "We're doing this big deal and he's gone to tie up the loose ends." " Oh, that explains it, then." " Explains what?" "His mum said she got a postcard from him from Benidorm." " Benidorm?" "!" " Yeah, he's doing all right." "Weather's fine, food's good, met this Swedish bird called Helga." "Oh, would that be the contact that he went to meet?" "What?" "Yeah, yeah..." "Well..." "I've got to admire your bottle, Rodders, I must admit." "Been in business 5 minutes and already you've got a Spanish branch!" "You've cornered the world market on broken lawnmower engines." "What's your partner buying?" "Second-hand pedalos?" "No, nothing like that." "We're going into the self-catering holiday trade." " What?" "On 200 nicker?" " We're starting in a small way." "What, you got a Wendy House?" "Grandad, I am not prepared to discuss the situation, all right?" "It's confidential information." "I understand, Rodney." "No, no, I understand." " Well, I'm off out." " Where you going?" "I might go and have a couple of ales down the Nag's Head and go on to the Star of Bengal for a Ruby Murray." " Coming?" " I'm potless, ain't I?" "What?" "No, I really ought to stay in and do the company accounts." " Here they are." " Cheers." "You don't really think I'm that hard, do you, Rodney?" "Nah." " No, 'course I'm not!" " Oh, cheers, Del." "Grandad, do him them egg and chips, will yer?" "(BENGALI MUSIC)" "Oi!" "Tony!" "None of the boys been in?" "I haven't seen any of them." "Oh, Towser's just come in." "Has he?" "Where?" "Oi, Towser!" "Towser!" "(WHISTLES)" "Sorry, madam." "Your onion bhaji's down by your foot." " Hallo, Del!" " All right!" "Have a poppadom." "I can't get involved." "I'm getting the missus a take-away." "You've got time for a drink." "Listen, I want you to do me a favour." " What?" "!" " Sit down, sit down!" "You know those broken engines that dozy Rodney got lumbered with?" " I want you to buy 'em." " Do what?" "!" "Do me a favour!" "Alfie offered me them month ago." " I want nothing to do with 'em." " You don't have to spend any money." "I'll give you the money." "See that?" "200 quid, I want you to offer him that." "200?" "!" "They're only worth about a score, scrap value." "I want him to think he's made a good profit." "He's been tucked up chronic by his mate, now he's boracic." " Just give him the money." " No, 'cause it'll seem like charity." " Yeah, he's too proud to accept it." " No, he'd snap it up like a shot!" "But I want him to think that he's been successful." "I want him to believe that he's proved me wrong." "It's important." "All right, if that's what you want." "You're a pal." "Don't let him know that I'm behind it!" "Say you've got this contact in the GLC parks department, and they can't get enough lawnmower engines." "The thing is, I'm not gonna lose out on the deal, because, this time tomorrow," "Rodney'll want to be my partner again and I will get my money back!" "See?" "Hey, wait a minute!" "What about the engines?" " Dump 'em somewhere!" " No, I couldn't do that." "I got nicked for fly-dumping." "They'll chuck the book at me." "Tell you what to do, give 'em back to Alfie for nothing." "Yeah, all right, Del." "Here, hang about!" "What's in it for me?" " Give you 15 for it." " Oh, yeah?" " 20!" " That'll do." "Thank you." "Anything for a mate!" "I wouldn't pay that bill if I were you." "(TONY) Thank you, Del!" " All right, Rodders?" " Yeah, cheers..." "I've had a right blinding day!" "Here, there was a silly bloke down the market today." "He must have come from the funny farm!" "I said, "D'you wanna buy some broken lawnmower engines?"" "He said to me, "I ain't that silly!"" "For your information, Derek, this morning I successfully negotiated the sale of them engines to Towser." " You're kidding me?" " No, he's bought the lot!" "He's got a contact in the GLC parks department." "That's a stroke of luck, innit?" "No, it's not luck, Del." "That is good business sense." "I knew if I held on, I'd get my price." "Well, I must say I admire your courage, Rodders." "He who dares, wins!" "Yeah, that's right." "Mickey is gonna be pleased when he gets back." "Don't talk to me about Mickey Pearce!" "I've liquidated our partnership." "What you gonna do, then?" "Still carry on, on yer own?" "Well, I was thinking..." "Oh, you know!" "What?" "Go back as we was, you and me?" "Yeah, you and me, Del, eh?" "Now I've got experience in buying and selling, meself." "Yeah, that could be invaluable, Rodders (!" ")" "OK, then, let's pool our resources!" "There we go." "How much did you get for them lawnmower engines?" "£165." "Is that all...?" "It's not bad." "They're only worth a score, scrap value." "You HAVE learnt a lot, Rodders." " Let's see yer money!" " I ain't got it." "That Towser didn't pay yer?" "He paid me, but I've invested the money." " You did what?" " I got us more of Alfie's engines!" "You're joking!" "Tell me you're joking!" "No!" "Towser's bloke at the GLC can't get enough of 'em!" "I was dead lucky down at Alfie's." "He'd had another load delivered this morning!" "Don't worry, they're exactly the same as the others." "You can bet your life they're the same!" "What a 42-carat plonker, you really are!" "Come on, Del, show a bit of faith in me!" "Yes, anything you say, Rodney." "Anything you say." "Good." "Oi, Del..." "Now we're partners again, d'you think you could help me out?" "'Cause I ain't had a pint all week." "All I've had is Grandad's cooking and the sole's coming off me Gucci!" "Look!" "Yeah, I'll help you out, Rodders." "Put that round yer Googee and it'll stop the sole coming off!" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street!" "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Hooky Street!" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "Oi!" "What's your game?" "!" "Stone me!" "Here we are." "Guess where we're going at the weekend." " Give us a clue." " All right, Rodney." "If you insist, there you are." "You dirty pig!" "Get it away!" " How's that rice going down?" " Get it out!" "Where are we going, Del?" "Skiing (!" ")" "Where d'you think we're going, you silly...?" "We're going fishing." "I know that." "I mean where." "Oh, I see what you mean." "We're going to Tregawar." " Where?" " Cornwall." "Cornwall?" "!" "Why we going all the way down there?" "It's Boycie's weekend cottage." "I had dinner with him at Mario's." "He happened to mention his cottage was free so..." "Bob's your uncle!" " How much rent's he charging?" " Nothing." " He's letting us have it for free?" " Yep." "All for gratis." "Come on, Del, there's got to be something behind this." "'Cause Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate!" "You're becoming so cynical, Rodney." "He's just doing a mate a favour." " You met him in Mario's?" " Yeah, that's right." "Grandad, clear up all this fishing gear, 'cause I wanna pop out." " Mario's is a fish restaurant." " Is it?" "See you later." "Bit of a coincidence, Del, you meeting him in a fish restaurant, and next thing we're all going fishing." "He's like Elliot bleeding Ness at times, ain't he?" "All right, Rodney." "I was gonna tell you when we got there as a surprise." " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah, a surprise." "Well, this cottage is near one of the finest salmon streams in England." "Mario has agreed to pay us £10 for every fish that we bring back." "Boycie and I will take a fiver each." "So let's say that we do...sixty fish." "That'll be 300 sovs in our pocket." "We'll split three ways, so you and Grandad get £50 each." "A weekend's fishing and free digs." "What d'you reckon?" "I reckon it's illegal." "You hurt me sometimes, Rodney." "You don't let me finish before you jump to your nasty delusions!" "If you were a judge, Rodney, you'd hang 'em before they finished the oath!" "All right, I'm sorry." "I just thought..." "I know exactly what you thought." "So we've got permission, have we?" "We will have." "We see the gamekeeper down there and pay him 25 quid." "And he gives us a fishing permit?" "He shows us a hole in the fence." " I knew it!" " It's called business." "It's called stealing!" " No, it ain't, Rodney." " Listen to Grandad." "It's called poaching." "What do we know about that, eh?" "He can't even poach an egg!" "Rodney, it'll be a doddle!" "This stream's jam-packed with salmon." "We just whip 'em out!" "Del, it is illegal, it is immoral, it is unethical." "All right." "Me and Grandad'll go on our own and split the profits between us." "I didn't say I wouldn't come, did I?" "(RODNEY) # Gone poaching!" "Ba-ba-ba-boom!" "# Left a sign up on the door!" "# Gone poaching!" "Boo-boo-boom!" "#" "(DEL) You keep on, Rodney, and you'll get a smack right in the ear-hole!" "(THUNDER CRASHES)" "(RODNEY) Oi, oi, what's all this about?" "(DEL) My God, it's the Old Bill!" "(GRANDAD) Someone let it drop about the salmon!" "(DEL) Sh!" "Let me do the talking." "Good evening, officer." "If it's about the tax disc, I assure you the new one is in the post." "It's nothing to do with your licence, sir." "Down for a bit of fishing, are we?" "No, no, no." "Nothing like that, no." "Why have you got three fishing rods tied to your roofrack?" "Well, er..." "Oh, no, no." "You remember we said we might do a little fishing." "Oh, yeah, that's right." "Just a little bit, like tiddlers." "No salmon, though." "I see..." "You haven't given anyone a lift in the last half hour?" "Er..." "No." "What is this all about?" "We've just heard a patient's escaped from the local hospital." "Escaped?" "What you got out here, National Health Stalags?" "!" "It's no ordinary hospital, sir." "It's an institute for the criminally insane." "This storm has brought power cables down." "Blacked out the entire area." "It even put the institute's security system out of action." "So this patient took his chance and made off across the moors." "He's out there somewhere now." "For all I know, he could be watching us." "What was he in there for?" "Ten years ago this very night, he killed a party of weekend fishermen." "They called him "The Axe Murderer"." "No, I didn't know." "I must have been out that night." "You good people be very careful." "Don't pick up any hitchhikers" "Don't stop for anyone, no matter what the circumstances." "And if you see or hear anything suspicious, phone the police immediately." "Your lives may depend on it." "Right, gentlemen." "Have a nice weekend, won't you?" "Yeah, come on, full ahead, Rodney!" " We ain't going on, are we?" " Yeah, 'course we are." "Del, there is a crazed axe murderer out there somewhere!" "I know that, Rodders, but you seem to forget that we're on a 300 quid earner!" "Don't worry, we'll be locked up safe and sound in Boycie's cottage." "Anyway, there's three of..." "Well, there's me and y..." "Don't worry, I'll look after yer." "(OMINOUS THUNDER)" "Come on, get this stuff out." "Come on." "All right, Grandad?" "(HEAVY BREATHING)" "(GRANDAD) I wish you'd shut up, you're making me nervous!" "(RODNEY) I didn't say I saw someone, just that I saw something." "(DEL) Don't worry." "Get them lanterns going, Rodney." " What's wrong with the lights?" " There's no electric." "(RODNEY) Someone's been tampering with it!" "(DEL) The storm has blown the power cables over, remember?" "The whole area's blacked out." " Oh, yeah." " I'll see if I can find some candles." "(DEL) What are you doing?" "(RODNEY) Phoning the law." "You're doing what?" "!" "What are you trying to do to me?" "We're down here doing a bit of "fishing"." "The last thing we need is the local polizia sniffing around our keepnets!" "That copper said if we see anything suspicious, phone them immediately." " Our lives could depend on it!" " Who have you seen, Hawkeye?" "I saw..." " ..a movement in the trees." " A movement?" "!" "Of course you've seen a movement in the trees." "There's a ruddy typhoid blowing out there!" "You're right, I'm sorry." " Come on, pull yourself together." " I'll be all right." "It's a...typhoon." "Good idea, Rodney." "Put the kettle on and we'll have a nice cuppa." "Del, there's only an electric kettle out there." "Well, use a saucepan, then!" "Nah, there ain't none." "Gordon Bennett!" "Out of my way, I'll do it." "Here, have a look in that sideboard." "See if Boycie's left any scotch." "If he hasn't, we'll have to drink mine." "Here you are, Rodney." "See what I mean?" "There ain't no ghosties out here." "(GRANDAD) Del Boy, come in here quick!" "Rodney's found something." "Has he?" "What?" "Monopoly!" "Now we are all doomed." "Not the Monopoly." "Well..." "It's only a chopper." " It's an axe." " The same thing." "No, Del." "The police ain't looking for an escaped chopper murderer." "Look...just a minute." "Let me ask you something." "Where are we?" "We're in shtuck." "No, we're in the country." "Country people have these hanging about." "It's part and parcel of their lives." "Let me ask you something." "Where's that escaped bloke right now?" " Probably on them moors." " In this weather?" "He's mad, ain't he?" "He might be mad, but he'd have to be bloody stupid to be out in this!" "Exactly!" "I reckon he'd hole up somewhere." "Find himself an empty place..." "like this." "This place ain't empty, is it?" "It was before we arrived, Del." "You reckon he's up there having a kip?" "He could be." "Don't worry, Grandad, because the three bears have probably eaten him by now!" "What is this fairy story you're giving me?" "What's the matter?" "Been sniffing the Bostik?" "All right, then." "Why don't you go up the wooden hill to Bed-fordshire and check it out?" "I don't have to." "Would any self-respecting axe murderer pop up for forty winks and leave his chopper here?" "He might have a spare one." "He's got a kit of 'em now, has he, and a caddy to carry them for him (?" ")" "And another thing, if the man of the moment is upstairs having a lie-in, who'd you see out there in the trees?" "His brother?" "Oh, yeah, that's right." " He can't be in two places at once." " No, 'course not." "He's probably halfway to London by now." "'Course he is, looking for an empty place up there." " Hope he don't find our flat." " Will you shut up?" "!" "Will you just stop all this nonsense?" "Look, are we all agreed that we are safe and sound?" " Er...well, yeah." " Right." "Can we just relax a bit now?" "All right." "Here you are." "Now..." "I wonder where the toilet is." "It's er...outside." "I saw it as we came in." "(LOUD THUNDERCLAP)" "I think I'll leave it till the morning." "Ah, Park Lane!" "That's one of mine, Rodney." "'Course it is." "You own everything on the board." "No, I don't." "You've got Coventry Street, Grandad's got the Waterworks and all that." "Park Lane with one hotel, £2,000, please." " Two...?" "Hold on." " Eh, what?" "According to this, it's only fifteen hundred." "I know, but I put you in the penthouse suite!" "But I don't want the penthouse suite, do I?" "1,500, that's all you're getting." " Like a big kid." " I give up with him." "It's your go, Grandfather!" "Ah, Piccadilly!" "Right, that's mine with a hotel, so that's £1,200." "£1,200 for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?" " What?" " All them sewers?" "I'd rather sleep in the car or look for a Bed  Breakfast." "No, you don't understand." "Bless him." "Look, look." "It's in the rules." "£1,200 is scandalous." "I ain't a tourist, you know?" "Del, can you have a word with him?" "I think he's got a point." "I don't know what possessed you to build a hotel next to a sewage farm!" "Let's face it, your gaff's never gonna get in the Michelin Guide." "But the point of t..." "Stupid bloody game!" " Well, that's charming, that is!" " Just 'cause you're losing!" " Shut up!" " You wanna grow up a bit, my son!" "I didn't wanna play this stupid bloody game in the first place." "Grandad, I think there's a hotel under your chair." "(DEL) If there's any money down there, it's mine." "(DEL) Look, there's the car, there's the top hat." "Del..." "Don't you speak to me, Rodney." "I'm finished with you!" "Del, there is a man at the window." "You what?" "There is a man at the window." "Ain't got a bucket and a chamois leather, has he?" "I'm being serious, Del." "There is somebody at the window." "All right, Rodney." "All right." "Relax, take it easy." "I'll take a look." "Nothing there, Rodney." "There's no one out there." "He was there, Del, I swear to you." "My face was inches from that glass." " What did he look like?" " 'Orrible." "He had these evil eyes and this grotesque evil face." "Maybe it was a reflection." "That was no reflection, Del, I swear to God I was..." "What d'you mean, a reflection?" "!" "I mean your imagination plays games with you, you know?" "It tricks you into seeing something that isn't really there." "Del, I saw the rain running down his forehead." "I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes." "I saw the hairs coming out of his nostrils." "It might have been the shadows, Rodney." "Dear God!" "(BANGING AT DOOR)" "(MORE BANGING)" "(MAN) Anyone there?" "I think there's someone at the door." "It's probably just the shadows (!" ")" "Shadows?" "Until they start singing "Summer Holiday" we'll expect the worst." "(DEL) Who's there?" "(MAN) Good evening." "(MAN) My name's Robson." "I'm chief of security at the institution." " Thank God for that!" " What the hell are you doing?" "!" " It's the chief of security at the hospital." " Says who?" "He just..." "Oh, yeah!" "He could be anybody!" "You...get ready!" " Well?" " What?" " Was that him?" " Who?" " The face at the window!" " I didn't look." " You wally!" " You never said what you was gonna do!" "(MAN) Is everything all right?" " Won't keep you a minute, chief." "Do it again, and this time take a good look." "Right?" "Ready?" "(MAN) Good evening." " No, it's not." " You sure?" "I'm positive, that is definitely not him." "All right, good." " Do come in, chief." " Thank you." " There we are." " Appalling weather." "Sorry about that, but you can't be too sure, can you?" "You could've been a double-glazing salesman!" "If you'd like to see some identification, there's my driver's licence and donor card." "No, that's all right." "Rodney, fix the chief a drink, will you?" " You haven't caught him yet?" " Unfortunately, no." "We've extended the search here now." "We've the entire forces of three counties looking for him." "I was passing, saw a light..." "What are you gentlemen doing here?" "We're on a fishing trip." "I don't suppose you've seen anything?" "Other than the face at the window, nothing." "Face at the window?" "Rodney said he saw a face and I don't know whether to believe him." "I saw him, Del." "I was only three inches away from him." " Could you describe him?" " Yeah, 'course I could." "Fifty, with a gaunt, hungered expression, and his eyes were like wild animals'." " And hair out of his nostrils?" " Yeah, there was all that." "You're certain it wasn't a reflection?" "Look, it was not a reflection!" "I'm sorry, but people's imaginations run amok." "Why, we've had 200 sightings this evening alone." "What was the colour of his hair?" "What...?" "On his head." "Grey." "Sounds like my man." "When exactly did this happen?" "A minute or so before you arrived." "He must have seen me." " You reckon he's still out there?" " He'll be long gone." "It's the uniform, you see, he's terrified of people in authority." "After ten years in an institution, who wouldn't be?" "Well, I feel sorry for the poor little cock." "Chief, d'you mind if I ask you something?" "Is it safe for me to go to the khazi?" "It's outside." "Oh, you're perfectly safe!" "He'll be long gone." "That's all right, then." "(LOUD THUNDERCLAP)" "There's nothing to be frightened of (!" ")" " You don't have to go out there, do you?" " You heard the chief." "Don't worry!" "All right." "He's such a worrier!" " You weren't frightened at all?" " Me?" "Nah." "No, 'cause in the past I have worked for the mentally disturbed." "Out selling flags one Saturday!" "Well, yeah, but I can sympathise with this guy's problems." "Sympathise?" "But he's a psycho!" "Have you any idea what a "psycho" is?" "'Course I have." "A geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes." "(TOILET FLUSHES)" "(THUMP!" ")" "Bloody hell's bells!" "Rodney!" "Grandad!" "Come out here, quick!" "Bring some rope!" "Yeah, so then I grabbed the axe and cracked him on the jaw so he went down." "Then I tied him up tight and bundled him in the back of the van." "Good work, lad." "Caught him single-handed?" "Yeah..." "Well, erm..." "No." "There was my brother at the cottage." "He helped a bit." "You're too modest, Rodney (!" ")" "(POLICEMAN) There could be a medal in this." "Well..." "Right, get ready, lads." "This one could be a handful." " Is this some kind of joke?" " What d'you mean?" "This is no escaped lunatic." "It's Tom Whitham, the gamekeeper!" "And you shouldn't have gagged him, he suffers from asthma!" "Hold on a minute, the chief of security himself said it was him." "What chief of security?" "!" "What's-his-name?" "Robson." "You can ask him yourself." "He's back there with Del." "Chief Robson is not at the cottage." "He's at the hospital." "The escaped man hit him then stole his uniform and ID papers." "I reckon we should have gone with 'em." "No, I had to make out my report immediately." "I needed you here." "You were the one that recaptured him." "Well, I suppose, yeah." "What d'you say to a drink to celebrate, eh?" "The weather's clearing up nicely." "Look, a full moon." "There you go, chief." "(TELEPHONE RINGS)" "Yes, hello?" "Hello, Rodders, d'you get there all right?" "H-H-He's w-w-w-what?" "N-n-no." "You all right?" "The chief's just standing there..." "examining his axe." "Yeah, all right..." "Hurry back, won't you?" "All right." "Goodbye." "He just phoned to tell us he got there all right." "Good!" " D'you like fish?" " What?" " Do you like fish?" "!" " Yeah, with salt and vinegar, lovely!" "I only like living fish." "Fish that swim in the rivers and seas." "I don't like people that kill them." "No, I don't like that sort, meself." " But I saw fishing rods on your van!" " They belong to Rodney and Grandad." "I beg 'em not to hurt the poor fishies." "I only come down here for the fresh air." "Good." "D'you like snooker?" " Snooker?" " Yes!" " Do you?" " Yes." " So do I, it's triffic." " Shall we play a game?" " What, snooker?" " Yes!" "Yeah...all right." "I tell you what, I'll just pop out to the shed, 'cause I remember seeing a snooker table in there." "All right?" "No need!" "(HE LOCKS THE DOOR)" "We'll use this one...here." " What?" "This one here, you mean?" " Yeah!" "(HELICOPTER OVERHEAD)" " Thank God!" " Is that a police helicopter?" "No!" "You're all right." "It's Barratts." "Good!" "You can break." "I tell you what." "Why don't I put that somewhere safe?" "'Cause you won't be able to hold your cue, will you?" "No." " I suppose you're right." " Yeah, 'course I am." "You know it makes sense." "Which cue would you like?" " I'll have this one." " Good." "This is my favourite." "You can see it's a good'un." "I'm not very good at snooker." "I always lose." " I got a feeling you're gonna win this one." " I hope not!" "I don't like winning." "My father forced me to win at everything." "But people challenge winners." "You become vulnerable." "You feel open to attack." " Do you know the feeling?" " I know exactly!" "The losers are anonymous." "No one wants to challenge a loser." "There's something comforting in defeat." "I really like losing." "Do yer?" "What d'you say we make this game more interesting?" "Shall we play for a tenner a frame?" "All right." "This weekend is not gonna be a total loss after all..." " Sorry?" " Nothing." "Got the chalk?" "Thanks." "(DEL MAKES CHALKING NOISE)" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street!" "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Hooky Street!"