"Got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read, got to read." "Wow, I feel the exact opposite way." "Why are you saying that?" "Book report." "I wrote the due date on my arm so I would remember, then every day since then," "I've taken a shower like an idiot." "When's it due?" "Tomorrow." "Ah!" "What page are you on?" "The cover." "(screaming)" "Call of the Wild?" "Is it about an insane telemarketer?" "Or Gene in the bathroom?" "I don't know yet." "Hey, kids." "Oh, Bob, this package came for you earlier when you were putting out that grease fire." "See, that's why I hate school." "We miss all the grease fires." "Huh, I wasn't expecting anything." "Oh." "Oh, yeah." "(chuckles) I-I remember ordering this." "What the hell is that?" "I bought a remote control version of the helicopter from the movie True Lies, complete with a clutching Arnold Schwarzenegger and dangling Jamie Lee Curtis." "Hmm." "Oh." "Hmm." "Huh." "What a beaut." "Were you drunk shopping?" "No." "I call it "nighttime shopping, with wine."" "I bid on an auction and, uh, yeah, helicopter." "Mm-hmm." "Fly, you bastard, fly!" "Hold on, Jamie Lee, I gotcha." "I'll save you from Tia Carrera, I think." "I forget the scene." "Hey, when does Mama get a turn?" "I want to save Jamie Lee." "Lin, I just started." "And I think I'm really good at this." "This could be, like, my new thing." "Dad, you don't want to be, like, too cool." "Hello, boots." "Hanging like you do every day." "Give it." "Geez, Lin." "All right, let me just bring it in for a landing." "You can't pull off that look, buddy." "It's not you." "Gentle, gentle, and... kiss the ground." "(all groan) What the hell?" "How did that happen?" "I landed it perfectly." "(squeaking)" "(humming)" "T-T-Ti..." "Well, it had a good run." "Of one." "That thing is a piece of crap." "I'm getting my money back." "T-Ti-Tina..." "Well, maybe it's okay." "See?" "Oh, no, it's dead." "Squi-Squi-Squirrel." "♪ I'm reading ♪" "♪ I'm reading ♪ BOB:" "Oh, Tina." "Tina!" "Tina!" "(grunts) Ah." "Thanks, Dad." "I hate getting hit on the head by boots." "Uh, you're welcome, Tina." "Should we throw them back up?" "I kind of feel bad." "They've been there for so long." "(grunts) Look out, Tina!" "I just... froze." ""And following a skillful landing," ""it broke into a million pieces." "Please issue me a full refund of $45 plus shipping."" "And send." "That thing was 45 bucks?" "Plus shipping." "Which was... also 45 bucks." "The hell?" "Ugh!" "What's wrong with me?" "I just watched everything happen!" "The squirrel, the boots!" "And I did nothing!" "(altering voice):" "Hey, let's all be quiet so Tina can read." "(normally):" "Who said that?" "Face it." "I'm not heroic like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies!" "I'm not even Tom Arnold in True Lies!" "Or even in Roseanne!" "Come on, Gene." "Don't worry about it." "That was just part of being a dad." "You'll have those instincts someday." "But what if I never get those instincts?" "Maybe I'll just grow up to be a very handsome coward!" "Dad, you saved Tina!" "You're a heroic man of action." "I can learn from you." "Gene, I-I think you're blowing this out of proportion." "Though I did react with a certain amount of grace under pressure." "What the hell?" "!" "(computer chimes)" ""Sorry, I don't give refunds for crash landings"?" "!" ""Heliflopter"?" "!" "All right, new plan." "His number's on the Web site." "I'm calling this guy." "He's doing it!" "He's man-of-actioning." "Which I call "mactioning."" "Hello?" "Is this Sheldon Felds?" "This is Bob." "GENE:" "That's it, Dad." "Give it to him." "No, not Bob the crash-lander." "It kissed the ground, Sheldon." "Kissed it." "Maybe I should've just bought it from The Hobby Hole." "A real store." "Hobby Hole!" "Well, how about I just come on down and demand my money back?" "Yeah, your address is right on the package." "So see you soon, Sheldon!" "Oh, and, also, your handwriting is... not very good!" "Nice one, Dad." "Bob, don't you think maybe you should just let this go?" "You know how you get." "You start saying" ""It's the principle" over and over." "It's the principle of it, Lin, the principle." "Yep, there it is." "Wait, how did you know I was gonna say that?" "I've never said that." "Right." "Yeah." "Right." "It's the principle of the thing, sir." "It's the principle!" "Prin... ci... ple!" "Oh, well, it is the principle." "And someone's got to stand up for what's right!" "Things are pretty loud, so I'm just gonna put my fingers in my ears." "Whoa, that's waxy!" "Am I shouting?" "!" "I'm going over there." "(sighs)" "I'm going, too!" "No, you're not, Gene." "It's a school night." "This is my school now, Mom, the School of Hard Dads!" "So just call me Li'l Hard Dad!" "Yeah!" "But, no, not that." "But, yes, he should come!" "If Gene wants to learn to be a man of action, this is taking action!" "Okay." "Bye." "Come on, Gene." "Let's go get our refund!" "Refund road trip!" "I forgot my keys!" "Yeah, he did!" "Deal with it!" "Deal with it!" "Yeah!" "Look at us, just a boy and his dad, driving to get a refund." "Ooh, I got chills just saying it." "Well, Gene, it's..." "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "Don't talk yet." "I want to sample what you say and play it over and over until I've got heroic instincts coming out of every orifice of my body." "Okay." "Uh, it's not about being a hero, Gene." "It's about doing what's right." "Papa, do preach!" "And it is our duty, to mankind, really, to fight for justice." "Some people say you have to learn to let things go." "Well, you know what happens when you let things go?" "What?" "!" "What happens?" "!" "You drop the thing you're holding, Gene." "And the thing I'm holding in this situation is this bag of crap." "Nice!" "Listen to this." "It's about doing what's right." "(fart sound effect) Wow, I sound important." "Powerful." "Maybe take out the fart noise?" "No." "It kind of makes you go, like, "Huh, good point"" "and also, "Good fart."" "Mom, Mom, look what I drew." "It's me when I'm grown up, eating tacos with my monkey Sheila." "Great, honey." "Yeah." "How's the reading coming, Tina?" "Oh, good." "Really, really, really good." "Good." "Okay, fine!" "It's going terrible!" "I'm a slow reader!" "And then I get to a comma and I'm like, "Oh, I guess" ""they want me to pause, but for how long?" "How do I know when to stop pausing?" "!" I'm never gonna finish this book!" "Ah!" "And I'm gonna have to stand up there with the whole class staring at me and my armpits are gonna sweat and my boobs are gonna sweat and all the sweat's gonna meet in the middle and everyone's gonna know I didn't read the book!" "(grunts) Thank you." "Tina, Tina, honey, listen." "I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, mm-kay?" "I didn't read any of the books I did reports on in school." "What?" "Oh, yeah, I've never read the book." "Louise!" "What?" "You never read the book." "Well, I mean, you should read the book." "It's-it's better to read the book." "We never read the book." "How can you do a book report if you haven't read the book?" "You just got to give 'em a little show." "Pizzazz 'em so they don't even notice that you didn't you-know-what." "Pizzazz, that's up my alley." "I once did a presentation on Catcher in the Rye with only a catcher's mask and a loaf of rye bread." "Now, that one I failed, 'cause I didn't back-cover it." "Back-cover it?" "Oh, my God, Mom, Let me slap her again." "No, it's okay." "Don't slap her again." "Tina's learning." "See, Tina, you can't judge a book by its cover, but you can judge it by its back cover." "Mm-hmm." "Uh-huh..." "Wait, I don't get it." "All right, let me see." "Let me see here." "Dog named Buck, stolen from his home, forced to live as a sled dog in the cold, unforgiving Klondike region." "Oh, my gosh, I'm getting so many ideas already!" "Musical numbers, choreography..." "Musical numbers?" "Louise, you're on props and costumes!" "I'm on lyrics and dance steps!" "Tina, go wash your face!" "We got a show to do!" "S. Felds." "This is it." "Let's give him hell!" "(over intercom):" "Hello?" "Sheldon?" "It's Bob." "Go away." "Okay, bye." "No, Gene, come back." "Right, right." "Li'l Hard Dad." "We're not leaving, Sheldon." "Not until we get our money back for this defective helicopter!" "So do the right thing and give us a refund." "Well put." "Yep." "You don't get it, do you, Bob?" "Sheldon Felds doesn't give refunds to heliflopters who crash on their first flight." "Stop calling me a heliflopter!" "We don't care how fun it is to say!" "You see, I only sell those novelty toys to make ends meet." "My real passion is customizing serious RC choppers." "Well, what is that?" "This is my quad." "I've made a few modifications for... poking purposes." "(scoffs) That's dumb." "Poke!" "Hey!" "Ah!" "Tickle, tickle." "Tap, tap." "Missed me!" "Stop-stop that." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Hey, there's something on your shirt." "What?" "Oop, got your nose!" "Quit it!" "Ah!" "So, shall I continue to masterfully poke you, or do you want to run along home?" "The latter!" "Good day, sir!" "No, we're not going anywhere." "Okay then!" "Suit yourself, Bob!" "Wet Willy!" "Ah!" "How is that wet?" "!" "LINDA:" "Oh, she looks great." "You look great, hon." "Maybe the best she's ever looked." "Give us a twirl." "See that tail?" "Real construction paper." "Stunning." "Thank you." "Wag it a little honey, will you?" "(grunting) Wag it, wag it." "Shake it, shake it." "That a girl." "All right, so let the Call of the Wild book report rehearsal begin!" "Tina, here's the lyrics for the opening number." "Go ahead and sing it!" "Go on, girl." "Okay." "Ring, ring." "(weakly):" "♪ Who's this calling on the phone?" "♪" "♪ It's the Wild, is anybody home?" "♪" "Great lyrics, Mom." "I know." "But you got to belt it, honey." "Let your voice do the reading that your eyes didn't do." "That makes total sense." "Uh-huh." "So can you do it with vibrato?" "Like this?" "♪ Wild, wild!" "♪" "(flat): ♪ Wild... ♪" "No, that's n..." "Okay." "You know what, try grabbing the skin on your throat and moving it around while you sing like this." "♪ Na... ♪" "Like this?" "♪ Uh... ♪ No." "Let me try, let me try." "(vibrating sounds) (coughing)" "Gentle!" "Gentle!" "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "(groans) Maybe I should just transfer to St. Mathews." "What?" "You think those nuns won't make you do book reports?" "People never stop making you read books, Tina." "It's a sick world!" "You got to learn how to faux-dazzle it." "Trust me." "After tonight, you won't ever have to read a book again." "I love you, Mom." "BOB:" "So, Gene, I know it seems like we're hiding from Sheldon's helicopter in a Dumpster..." "GENE:" "Very much so." "...but we're actually just r-regrouping." "And now I will calmly check outside..." "Oh, thank God." "It's gone." "I mean, regroup over." "Uh, we can get out now." "We don't have to get out on my account." "I'm in my element." "No, we are going to show Sheldon that we're still here and we'll never give up!" "Whoa." "Whoa." "What's that?" "Fish in the sky!" "This was in Revelations!" "Kirk Cameron was right!" "You done hiding, Bob?" "!" "We're not hiding, Sheldon!" "We were regrouping!" "And we still want our refund!" "Uh-huh." "Swim, my pets." "Swim!" "(chuckles) Your gently floating fish don't scare me, Sheldon!" "They're actually kind of pretty!" "It's a lot like snorkeling, which I've never done, but I imagine I would love it!" "Ow." "Ow." "Dad!" "You're shooting BBs at me!" "Ow!" "That one hit me in the nipple!" "That's his good nipple!" "My good nipple is bleeding!" "Are we done here, Bob?" "!" "You lose, I win!" "Also," "I have a couple frozen pizzas in the oven, so I'm ready to wrap this up." "No!" "We're not done!" "We're not?" "No!" "Two can play the game of having a helicopter that shoots stuff, Gene!" "Two can play!" "Wow, you sound really tough, even though you're holding your nipples." "This is war, Sheldon!" "MAN:" "Welcome to The Hobby Hole." "I'm Terry, how can I help you?" "Hi, uh, weird question." "Do you by any chance have any RC helicopters capable of actual warfare?" "Uh, we don't have anything like that, sir." "(whispering):" "Follow me." "Welcome to the world of RC helicopter warfare." "BOTH:" "Whoa." "I was hoping that would get a "whoa."" "We have to be pretty discreet about our warfare showroom, as you can imagine, but neat-o, huh?" ""Sky-sassin"?" "That sounds brutal." "War is brutal." "Of course, we advise you absolutely... do not aim these at people." "Unless you hate them." "Oh." "Now, I need to know what kind of element we're dealing with here." "Well, it's this guy who sold me a helicopter online," "Sheldon Felds..." "Oh." "What?" "Oh, man." "What is it, Terry?" "Just stay away from Sheldon Felds." "Wait, you know him?" "He used to work here." "He was fired." "Why?" "Let's just say Sheldon ate a lot of food out of the fridge in the break room that didn't belong to him and was clearly labeled." "And when me and the rest of the Hobby Hole guys decided to gently approach him about it, he attacked us with helicopters." "Hmm." "You see this?" "One of Sheldon's BBs got lodged in there." "And now I no longer feel comfortable wearing shorts." "No!" "Trust me." "You don't want to go up against Sheldon." "Well, I am going up against Sheldon." "He's on a whole other level." "But I've got rightness on my side." "Oh, you've got rightness on your side." "Okay, then you're good." "Really?" "You think so?" "No, but I just realized..." "why am I trying to stop you?" "I make commission on these." "So let's get you all set up." "Behold the Vanquisher." "Whoa." "Yeah, she's expensive." "How expensive?" "$300." "That's not much." "But with that missile range," "(chuckles) she's worth it." "$300?" "!" "Of money?" "It's not about the money, Gene, it's about the principle." "Yeah, it's about the principle." "Terry, please." "Teach me how to fly it." "Huh, it's actually pretty, uh, intuitive." "Yep, I probably don't need to be holding you like this." "No, it helped." "You know, before I let you go... good luck out there, buddy." "Thanks." "Okay, well, thanks for coming in." "LINDA:" "There you go." "Mama's old tap shoes." "How do they feel?" "A little loose, but, um, why am I wearing these?" "Because nothing's more distracting than tap dancing." "When your toes are tapping, they think the reading must have happened." "Now, follow me!" "And... a tap and a tap and a tap-tap-tap." "And a tap and a tap and a..." "And we're tapping and we're spinning and we're spinning and we're tapping." "Hold on." "So when..." "And a shimmy tap, a shimmy tap." "Wait, hold on." "We're still spinning..." "A scooby tap, a scooby tap." "Scoo-Scooby tap." "A wiggle tap, a jiggle tap." "Wait." "What?" "And a shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba." "(panting)" "Scooba-dooba-doo, and no one's even looking at you, what you didn't do, and a-scabba-dooba-scabba-dooba, scabba-dooba-day." "Huh?" "And the book report's over, and you got yourself an "A"!" "Ah, maybe B-minus, probably, in my experience, you know." "Hey." "How's the tapping'?" "Great!" "She's like a jazzy jackhammer!" "Watch out, floor!" "Oh, yeah." "So, I borrowed Teddy's wheelbarrow, and I made it look like a dogsled, and the only thing is, he said he wants to be in your book report, so I told him I'd pull some strings, get him a small part," "and anyway, he's gonna meet you at school tomorrow, you can work it out then, okay?" "Cool?" "Is that cool?" "Very cool!" "You could tap with a wheelbarrow tied around you, right, hon?" "Uh..." "Got to get up higher somehow, so I can see onto his stupid balcony." "Oh!" "I'll just climb up on that roof!" "(laughs)" "Uh... sure, that seems like a good idea... of something dangerous to do." "Gene, you stay down there." "Yup, no problem." "Ugh!" "You're back." "Yeah, I'm back, and I'm armed with righteousness and this!" "The Vanquisher." "I see." "Yeah, go inside, Sheldon... to get your checkbook!" "Like her?" "I call her the Vanquisherer." "I got it from The Hobby Hole." "And then I added the extra "er"" "when I customized the crap out of it." "Vanquisherer?" "That's hard to say." "No, it's not." "You just slow down on the second "er."" "Vanquisher-rer?" "Look, the point is, it vanquishes Vanquishers!" "Well, not if I vanquish it first!" "Are you suggesting an air battle?" "Perfect!" "Air battle!" "I'm gonna make your precious helicopter look like the piece of crap True Lies one you sold me!" "But first, can I shoot you with a missile in your nipple?" "I was really excited about it." "Let me think." "No." "Air battle." "All right, fine!" "On three." "One..." "Not to interrupt, but is this the best way to solve this?" "Just asking." "Yes!" "Yes." "Two." "(whirring)" "Aah, aah, aah." "Three!" "I'm taking you down, Sheldon!" "You're gonna regret the day you..." "Oh, my God, you just hit me." "That was quick." "Time for the death blow!" "Not the death blow!" "Huh?" "What?" "Terry?" "!" "Me and the Hobby Hole boys thought you could use a little help." "We did inventory and then we came right over!" "Join the battle, brothers!" "My favorite things were eating lunch and wearing shorts, Sheldon, and you took it all away!" "Now it's time to pay the price!" "I didn't eat your delicious roast beef and cheddar sandwich, Terry!" "But your chopper's gonna eat this!" "("Ride of the Valkyries" plays)" "Aah." "Aah!" "Aah!" "RC net attack!" "Aah!" "This one's for Jamie Lee!" "(yelling) (laughs, whoops)" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Oh!" "Oh, my." "Whoa!" "No!" "Dad, you're on a ledge!" "Yeah, but we won the air battle!" "Yeah!" "How's Sheldon's expression, Gene?" "Is he sad?" "Is he crying?" "No, he's eating something, and he's got a new helicopter, and it's pointing at you." "Ow!" "And there's a dart in your butt." "Father!" "Everything's fine, Gene." "I've got everything under control." "Ow!" "Gotcha!" "Are you sure?" "!" "Yup." "Ow!" "My butt!" "Hoo!" "Uh, Bob, should we get you a ladder or something?" "No, Terry!" "Take down Sheldon!" "Hobby Hole Boys, give him everything you got!" "(war cry)" "What?" "Wait, Dad!" "What about the ladder?" "!" "That seems like a pretty good idea." "I mean, you're on a ledge, and you've got a butt full of darts!" "Yes, but I also have a butt full of..." "principles!" "Oh!" "So, yeah, you guys defeat Sheldon, and I'll just work on my upper-body strength, do some pull-ups, and I'll be out of here in no time." "I can't... do even one!" "You're incredible, Bob." "Time for the..." "Sky-sassin." "Luckily, I have my Sky-sassin-assin!" "I'll go get it." "Well, I'll wait for you." "What is wrong with you hobbyists?" "!" "♪ Up here in the Klondike, it can get pretty cold ♪" "♪ The other dogs are looking fierce ♪" "♪ So it's time to get bold ♪" "♪ But when life gets tough, well, you just got to smile ♪" "♪ And better answer that phone ♪" "♪ 'Cause it's the call of the wild!" "♪" "(whoops) Yes!" "(whoops) That moved me." "So, yeah, you just do that." "And no one will even know you didn't read it." "Or I could just do it." "Yeah, no, no, you should do it." "You should do it." "It's your thing." "You do it." "Right, right, right." "Uh..." "Aah, aah!" "I can't!" "I can't do it!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "No, no, no, you'll be fine." "Oh, yeah." "You just remember all the steps." "You got those." "Memorize all the lyrics." "Done." "And don't mess it up." "Boom." "Uh!" "Okay!" "I'm-I'm gonna go to bed." "Uh." "Everything's gonna be fine." "Okay." "Uh." "Good night!" "Yeah, get your beauty sleep." "Oh, your wheelbarrow, hon." "You might want to..." "Aah!" "Ah, she's fine." "She's got this." "We did good today, Mom." "We did good." "We did." "Yeah." "Hey, you want me to teach you how to get out of a speeding ticket?" "Yes!" "Sky-sassin!" "Destroy him, Terry, and I didn't catch all of your names, but you guys destroy him, too!" "Oh, that's Vance, and that's Will." "Hi." "Hey." "Hey, Dad, remember this?" "BOB:" "Some people say you have to learn to let things go." "I know you don't agree with them, but I'm starting to think maybe some people are right." "Listen, here it is high-pitched like a little girl." "(in high-pitched voice):" "Some people say you have to learn to let things go." "Here it is super, super deep, like a monster." "(in deep, distorted voice):" "You have to learn to let things go." "Here it is with a beat under it." "(upbeat tune plays)" "You have to learn to let things go." "No matter how I play it back, Keyboard Dad sounds a lot smarter than Hanging from the Building Dad!" "I like the one with the beat." "I came here today 'cause I thought" "I needed to learn to be a heroic man of action." "But look at you." "You're all nuts!" "Is anything worth all of this?" "I mean, Terry," "I'm sorry you can't wear shorts." "I would be devastated myself, but still!" "Also, just go to a doctor!" "Maybe sometimes the more heroic thing is to just let it the freak go!" "Now, who's gonna be the bigger man here, and just let it go?" "!" "I-I don't need a refund." "I'll give you your refund." "No, I said it first." "I said it first!" "I'm the bigger man." "No, I am!" "Sheldon, I'm sorry we ganged up on you about the food thing!" "I'm sorry I ganged up on all your food!" "Well, I forgive you!" "Thank you." "Can I have my job back?" "No, you can't." "It's not up to me." "Remember Roger?" "He's in charge of it now." "Can you believe it?" "Can someone just get a ladder already?" "!" "BOB:" "You know, Gene, in your own way, you kind of ended up saving the day today." "Oh, thank God you finally said it." "The whole car ride, I was, like, "Do I say it?" "No, he should be the one to say it." "I'm not gonna say it."" "Well, I'm saying it, so, thanks." "Huh." "Today started with me wanting to learn from you, but then you learned from me." "Does that make me your dad now?" "No." "Do you want to switch for a while?" "I could take Mondays." "Let's keep it like this for now." "Well, you're still my hero, Dad." "You're mine, too, Gene." "Now how about we go inside and ice my butt?" "I wonder how many other dads are saying that to their sons right now." "I bet a lot." "JOCELYN:" "And that's why it truly was like a tale of two cities." "But I feel like maybe next time, focus on the tale of just one city." "And maybe that city is like a yogurt shop where cool teens work." "I want to work there." "Thank you." "Okay, Jocelyn." "Tina, you're up." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi, everyone." "Uh." "Good job, Jocelyn." "Thank you." "(clears her throat)" "(sighs)" "(weakly):" "Ring, ring, ring." "What did she just say?" "It's the..." "call of the... wild?" "Aah!" "I can't take it!" "I can't take it!" "(yelling)" "(kids gasp, Tina continues yelling)" "(grunting)" "Wow." "Tina." "That was, uh..." "Did you all see that?" "That was..." "Um, I..." "I'm-I'm sorry." "...amazing." "Oh." "You just embodied all the themes of the book." "Huh." "The primitivism," "Buck's return to his savage nature." "Yeah." "The sweating." "Great job." "She was really good." "That was really good." "Well, I definitely read the book, so, thank you." "LINDA:" "Huh." "She changed some things, but, uh, she still nailed it." "She totally nailed it." "So... say it, Bob." "No." "Say it." "(sighs) You win best parent of the week." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Me!" "I thought I won best parent of the week!" "Wait." "How did you kids get out of class?" "Hey, don't worry about it." "(panting):" "Did I miss it?" "Tina!" "Did I miss it?" "LINDA:" "And a shimmy tap, a shimmy tap." "A scooby tap, a scooby tap." "A shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba, scooba-dooba-do, and no one's even looking at you, what you didn't do." "And a-scabba-dooba-scabba-doo." "Wiggle tap and jiggle tap." "A shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba, scooba-dooba-do, and no one's even looking at you, what you didn't do." "And a-scabba-dooba, scabba-dooba, scabba-dooba-day." "The book report's over, and you got yourself an "A"!" "Ah, maybe B-minus, probably, in my experience." "Shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba, shibba-dabba..."