"hi." "I'm looking for an engagement ring." "areyousure?" "maybeyoushouldhavehada ring" "The first time you proposed." "Then elisa wouldn't have said no." "shedidn'tsayno." "She said we should think about it." "yeah,thatdoesnot meanyes." "In my experience, "let's think about it"" "Usually ends up with me watching solid gold" "In my basement on prom night." "thepointis Ihavethoughtabout it," "And I haven't changed my mind." "In fact, I've coined a new term" "To dcribe what elisa is to me:" "The one.  the one?" "asintheonlyoneforme ." "The one I'm meant to be with." "Get it?" "The one." "yeah,youshouldbea writer." "Whoa, chk out the bling!" "Or whatever it's called now." "Aah!" "Oh!" "goodgod." "Igotit!" "Oh, god, there's a vent!" "she'svery..." "Spirited." "Like a show horse." "You're a lucky man." "oh,no,no ." "She'snot the bride." "This is the one I am marrying." "oh,myapologies,sir ." "Please follow me to the real showroom." "yes." "myfingeris caughtinthevent." "hey,wherearemysnoballs ?" "I was gonna go to the gym later, so I deserve a treat." "oh,misslemon,wecan't have cocot products out anymore" "Because of staff allergies." "what?" "No,allergiesare ychosomatic." "The only reason I'm allergic to dogs" "Is because one bit me the first time I got mperiod." "no,allergiesarereal." "If I have a strawberry, my throat shuts up" "Faster than a girl in math class." "Ididn'tknowyou had allergies." "You know if my cousin stephanie eats a walnut," "Her throat shuts up faster than a filipino at a- guys!" "Comeon ." "Notokay." "oh,I 'msorry,mr ." "Rossitano, no unauthorized food." "don'tworry,no  food in here, kenneth." "Just a doughnut box with a mouse in it." "oh,arethepranksmen going after lutz again?" "someonesaymy name?" "hey,look.awesome!" "Doughnuts!" "Aah!" "Aah!" "oh!" "♪ ♪" "{ Advertisement } hey,we'venarrowed it down, liz lemon." "oh,great." "Whatare wetalkingabout ?" "tracyhasto geta present for his wife." "thisSaturdayis the20thanniversary" "Of the night that me and angie met." "She was working at the dyker heights arthur treacher's," "And I was residing there." "She slipped me a free shrimp combo," "And we've been together ever since." "So this present has to be special." "It's either gonna be a denim jacket" "That says "hot bitch" in diamonds... uh-huh.or aslanket." "yeah,angiedoesn'twantthat ." "Why don't you just ask angle what she wants" "Instead of spending all this money on junk?" "youarewise,liz lemon." "Like a genetically manipulated shark." "So as a token of my gratitude," "I got something specially for you." "wow." "I'll take that slanket too if you're not gonna use it." "Puerto rican!" "that'sinteresting." "Imeanpuertorico, where you're supposed to be." "When did you get back?" "actually,lemon,threeweeksago." "what?" "Whydoesn'tjackknow that ?" "becauseI don'tknowwhattodo ." "I'm afraid he's gonna want to gthrough" "With his proposings of marriage." "Sorry, I haven't spoken english in two menses." "areyousayingthatyou don't want to go through" "With his proposings of marriage?" "I don't understand, elisa." "You love him." "Ido." "That's why I call him "el uno. "  yeah." "butI cannotmarryhim  because of a terrible secret." "Please don't ask me what it is." "Iwon't." "Idon 'twanttoknow." "Are you a man?" "really?" "That'syourguess,aman ?" "You want to see me naked?" "sort of." "Ilovejacksomuch ." "I don't think I have the strength" "To tell it to his head." "That's why I was hoping that you- oh,no,no ,no !" "oh,thankyoufor  doing what I cannot." "Good-bye forever, liz lemon." "Well, I see why he likes it." "Ihopeyouguys have learned a lesson." "Because of what you did, we almost lost a monitor." "msorry." "You're a big fan of mine, and you're not gay?" "Not even bi-curious?" "Idon'tknowwhattotellyou." "I love your show." "I read your blog." "I've got all your albums." "Even the one you did with phil spector." "Istillthinkthat would have sold much better" "If he had shot me in the face." "well,I 'mgladyou didn't get shot in the face." "thankyou.but ifyouhad..." "I would have liked to have gotten that call." "thatwouldhavebeennice ." "jenna,usweeklyis calling to confirm a story" "That your animal rescue shelter is supplying quesadilla meat" "To amusement parks." "what?" "!" "I needto callmylawyer." "I'll be right back." "Don't go anywhere." "{ Missing cc } okay,I searchedelisa padriera and the black widow," "But all the web tes are in spanish." "Blue writing on green." "Why?" "!" "callthatcleaningladyback ." "We need somebody who speaks spanish." "Ispeakspanish." "puertorican!" "la  viudanegra!" "really,lemon?" "Jack, let me explain." "elisa,thereis nothingyou can say" "That will change the way I feel." "I'msosorrytotell  you such a dark tale" "While wearing such a silly t-shirt." "I was married once, and I killed my husband." "It was a crime of passion." "He cheatedn me." "And in a rage I took my revenge." "You know me, jack." "I'm a catholic." "I take the bonds of marriage very seriously." "whyaren'tyouinjail ?" "theythrewmy caseout ." "I couldn't get an impartial jury" "After that song about me came out." "♪elisa,elisa♪" "♪ la viuda negra ♪" "♪ elisa ♪" "IguessI'mgladyouknow." "I understand if this changes everything." "It's up to you." "mygod," "I already put my wedding announcement" "In cigar aficionado." "howaboutthis?" "You get the tattoo, but when you hit the clubs," "You draw a mane around the face with a marker" "And make it look like a lion named "tangiers. "" "dotcom,thatis agreatidea !" "If you want everyone to think I own a gay lion!" "Tangiers?" "!" "nojudgmentin brainstorming." "look,thisis my reputation we're talking about here!" "Use your heads!" "themoroccannational soccer team is the lions." "Tangiers is in morocco." "So, yeah, I guess I'm an idiot." "haveyouevermet anyone" "That's killed somebody?" "I think my grandpa may have." "But he never really liked to talk about" "What happened at kent state." "Istillwanttomarryelisa ." "wow,youdo ?" "Really?" "soshehadone bad day ." "Being in a relationship means overlooking certain flaws." "I mean, somewhere right now, a guy is on a jdate" "With monica lewinsky - nobody's perfect." "jack" "  I'm 50." "To put it in perspective, that's like 32 for ladies." "How many more elisas am I going to meet?" "okay,well,godbless." "I guess I just really don't understand men." "nobodyeversaiddid ,lemon." "pardonme." "Excuseme." "I'm sorry, what are you two doing here?" "Where's the hot guy?" "ma'am,areyoutakinganymedication?" "yes." "Where's the cute paramedic who was here last night?" "He was wearing a uniform." "He was totally into me." "ifhewashereatnight , he must work the evening shift." "sotherearedifferentshifts?" "Like on a sheik's pleasure yacht." "Thank you." "lemon." "it'snotproduct placement." "I just like it." "what?" "what?" "whatifImarryelisa and I accidentally cheat?" "She could snap again." "She's very passionate," "And she doesn't react well to betrayal." "whywon'tyoupen?" "!" "yes." "Whataquandary." "Oh, wait, I have a suggestion - don't cheat." "butyouneverknow,lemon." "What if I find myself stranded in a snow cave" "With a stern but comely lady geologist," "Both of us knowing that our only chance for survival" "Is the heat from our naked bodies?" "sorry,I justdo notget you guys." "again,thatis notbeingdisputed." "But my options for male advice around here are limited." "soI thinkthepranksmen should all wear fedoras." "couldthehatshave feathers?" "yes!" "Yes!" "faceit,youare the  closest thing to a man" "Working here right now." "well,dude," "I guess you gotta find a comely geologist" "And a snow cave and see what happens." "tracy,I needyourhelp." "My fiancee murdered her ex-husband" "When he cheated on her." "continue." "Iloveher." "But the only way I can make se that I won't stray... isforme to arrangea test of erotic temptation." "Yes.  exactly." "we'regoingouttonight,jackied," "And you're gonna be tempted like jesus in the wilderness." "Jesus is my stereo guy, and the wilderness is a club" "I took him to once." "jenna,comequick." "Kenneth's passed out again." "Oh, no, I can't believe this is happening during night shift!" "oh,forgodsakes!" "What is this, third watch?" "somehowkenneth ate strawberries again," "And now he's gone into acute strawberry shock." "isthatathing?" "justaskthisrealemt." "we'regonnahavetocutoffhishands" "To get the sickness out." "He's gonna have to learn how to urinate with his feet." "howcouldthishavehappenedagain ?" "!" "it'smyfault." "Ididit." "I just wanted that hot emt to come back." "I didn't mean for it to go this far." "Kenneth, I'm so sorry." "But I am not a monster." "I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy she poisoned" "So this other boy would go to town on her." "Ithinkshe'shad enough,sirs ." "aw,kenneth!" "what'shappening?" "Is this a trick?" "I knew it!" "I was just playing along." "No, seriously, what's happening?" "jenna,doyoufeelgenuineremorse?" "Thank god." "Sociopath downgraded to extreme narcissist." "Now quit it with the strawberry stuff." "oryoumightonceagain feel the righteous lash" "Of the pranksmen." "isthatathing?" "hey,tray." "You and your friend wanna party later?" "surething,baby." "Give the kid a call." "Holla.  this is decadent." "And I once went to miami with darryl strawberry." "tipoftheiceberg,jackied." "You can have all of this whenever you want." "Or you can marry that nice lady that you're in love with." "It's up to you." "look,I loveelisa." "But you love angie, right?" "ofcourseIdo." "Angie'stheone." "theone?" "Wheredid you hearthat ?" "it'sa thingImadeup after seeing the matrix." "well,elisais my one." "But tracy, sometimes I think men like us" "Aren't built for marriage." "okay,thisis something I've never told anyone." "This is my terrible secret." "In the 20 years that I've known her..." "I've never cheated on my wife." "There." "I said it." "Don't look at me." "waita minute." "That can't be the truth." "thepartyingis justfor show." "And because I'm a high-functioning alcoholic." "All the phone numbers you see me hand out," "They're not even mine." "hello?" "No, this isn't tracy jordan." "Really?" "I've not heard of that term before." "Do you know how to get to connecticut?" "oh,mygod." "That'saninspiration." "I mean, if you can do it...  so can you." "Because I'm a ridiculous, unstable human being." "hat is wrong with me?" "I mean, if elisa's only flaw is that she demands I be faithful," "Then I will be faithful!" "andifanglewants me to get a tattoo of her" "To prove my love, then I'm getting that tattoo!" "Grizz, get the car." "Dotcom, get the coats." "And which one of you ladies wants to pick up the tab?" "oh,me!" "Me !" "Iputstrawberry juice in your chickpeas." "And in your water." "And on your harmonica.  my what?" "Oh, you mean my mouth radio?" "Iamso sorry,kenneth." "I just want you to know that I would not do this to you" "For just any guy." "He was special." "I really thought that he was..." "The one." "oh,missmaroney, it's horrible to think" "You might have found your true love, only to lose him." "ithurtsmorethanmyfootbotox" "To know that he's out there, and I have no way to find him." "whenyoucall911 ," "Tell them they have to send everyone." "Earn..." "This!" "oh" "You remarkable son of a bitch!" "we have an emergency!" "♪workin'on my nightcheese♪" "oh..." "Jack?" "Do you know what time it is?" "I was sound asleep." "Iheardyousinging"nightcheese."" "Lemon, I've had a crazy night." "We all can learn a lot from tracy jordan." "We went out clubbing." "His life is like enron, 1999." "It's wild." "I'm sure it was." "ow are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?" "youweresupposed to be thinking about us." "And you spent the whole night partying with that black guy!" "didshenotcomehere with you?" "haveyoubeenfollowingme?" "andthenyoucomehere  at 4:00 in the morning?" "!" "I knew your relationship was too weird" "Not to be sexual!" "okay,everybodybe cool." "waita minute, you're jealous of lemon?" "That's insane.  yeah, come on, look at me." "ooh." "elisa,I provedto myselftonight" "That I would never cheat on you." "That's why ient out with tracy." "And I came to liz's because- becauseshe'syourbro.exactly." "oh... elisa,thisis troubling." "andhowdo youthinkIfeel?" "I get a ring on my finger for one day" "And I start acting like glenn close" "In atraccion fatal." "oh,thathasawhole different title here." "lemon,isn'tthere a slanket somewhere" "You should be filling with your farts?" "Shoo." "Baby, this is my curse." "I love too deeply." "And eventually it makes me loco for choco-puffs." "querida,ifyoueverfind yourself" "Less in love with me, I hope you'll give me a call." "But if tonight is what it's going to be like," "Obviously, engagement-wise," "We are not going to forge ahead." "isitmy english," "Or was that not a great breaking-up speech?" "itwasyourenglish." "That was quite moving." "boy,youlookhappy." "What, did you settle that lawsuit" "Over your exercise tape?" "evenbetter." "I had an amazing date last night." "And it's all thanks to kenneth." "oh,itwasnothing." "Sure, I was legally dead for five minutes," "But I did it for true love." "actually,itturns out roger has sole custody" "Of his five-year-old son, so pffft!" "waita minute,youweredead ?" "oh,I 'mfine." "But I think I brought something back with me." "tracy,didyoueven go home last night?" "And where is your shirt?" "no,andat large." "I might've went out and had a little" "Too much to drink last night," "But you'll be proud of me, liz lemon cool j." "'cause I went out and got that tattoo" "Angie wanted me to get." "Pow!" "How you like me now?" "wow,thatis onegay lion."