"ASTRONAUT ACADEMY" "Smiga?" "Matters?" "Börst?" "Pirx?" "Where is Student Pirx?" "PIRX'S ADVENTURES" "Based on Stanislaw Lem's works, written by:" "Cast:" "Part 1." "* Diploma exam *" "Where is Student Pirx?" "I'm here, Professor Sir!" "You're late, as always." "The subject of today's lesson:" "Behaviour in space." "Student Pirx!" "What you would do, if.." "during a space mission... you happened upon the ship of an alien space service?" "I would approach it." "Very good." "And next?" "I would stop it." "And?" "I would introduce myself" "I would introduce myself" "Student Pirx, call me tomorrow with your flight book." "Student Börst?" "I'd quote it the paragraph on behaviour in space." "Article "1", point "a", paragraph "1"." "Pirx?" "Student Pirx?" "I hear your test flight will be tomorrow." "Have fun with your old lady." "Student Pirx?" "You are flying tomorrow." "Good luck with the flight!" "And if you should meet those aliens accidentally.." "don't forget to introduce yourself to them." "It's bad that with you're having your exam along with Börst." "You might be glad to be beside that super perfect being if you get second-class." "If the old man allows it." "He is a computer being on two feet." "He's been an excellent student since his kindergartner age." "Supposedly when he was born, he folded his nappy onto square one." "He asked the obstetrician.." "if he had to pee accidentally, then at what kind of interval, at how many degrees angle, and on what ballistic orbit he should do it." "You know what would be good?" "An autocue." "They know that everybody brings an autocue." "They search everybody because of this." "Maybe if we stuck it up our armpit." "It's hopeless." "Last year's ones got caught already." "But then..." "Do you know these glasses?" "Show me, where did you get that?" "Show me!" "The physicists did it." "The whole coursebook is in this device." "The tape goes forward if you screw this." "If you press this button, it rewinds." "If you don't press it, it stops." "But where's its loudspeaker?" "In the glasses?" "There's no loudspeaker." "This is a little video recorder." "Look here!" "You can see the screen on the left side." "You play it if they ask you, read the equations and calmly look the prof. in the eye." "Start it." "This is divine." "From the outside you can't see a thing." "Press the button now and you can see it rewinds." "Stop it now." "integral, d,x - x, equal, I, n, absolute value x, + c" "I wouldn't have been able to remember this formula." "Do you believe it, that I do?" "Why are you groaning now?" "We can never make use of this." "Why not?" "Because we couldn't be spacemen if we wore glasses." "This close to the exams," "I hope your editor will be satisfied with this interview?" "Unfortunately not, Professor Fabricius Sir." "My chief said that I should attend a take-off, and write about my experiences." "I cannot allow this." "This is reportage." "I've been here already, with full access." "An exam is an exam." "Let me in somewhere." "This is more dangerous." "It's true that they will be qualified spacemen, but this will be their first independent flight." "They are still inexperienced." "We just want to write this." "This is a youth paper." "We want to record how a student becomes an adult, a mature specialist." "If only you weren't a youth author.." "Space flight is not unfamiliar to me." "Because my elder brother.." "Your elder brother?" "Yes." "Your student." "Matters." "That's impossible." "You cannot fly with him." "I know that." "My chief wouldn't allow me to write about my elder brother." "But with whom shall I be flying, then?" "Who said that you're allowed to fly?" "You said that" "I can't fly with him." "And if not with him, that means, then with someone else, yes." "I do not believe it's true that you would deny me consent for this." "You can be calm, there won't be any trouble, I'll sit in the background and make notes." "You won't make notes on this rocket, it's no easy ship, you'll be lucky to get air." "It's necessary to decide who I'll be breathing it with." "Which spaceship do I go with?" "This is not a catwalk." "Stop it." "Good." "All right." "You can fly." "With whoever you want." "Thank you." "But I am curious what you can then write about this flight." "Here you go, the admissions to exams are here." "Two people sit an exam tomorrow." "I known." "Börst and Pirx" "Do you know them?" "Who wouldn't know Student Börst?" "The school's top student." "The math genius who beat the computer, and only forgot the 4th-degree root." "Athlete club's leader of the university." "The winner of the national dance competition." "The girls' favourite." "So you choose him?" "No." "Pirx." "Student Pirx!" "Stand at the starting place." "Student Börst!" "Professor Fabricius!" "Student Börst reporting!" "Fabricius professor!" "Student Pirx reporting!" "Student Pirx!" "Are you ready to fly?" "What's up?" "Lost your voice?" "I'm ready." "Student Börst." "Are you ready to fly?" "I'm ready." "Do the students declare that they are healthy in body and soul?" "We declare." "Students!" "I appoint you each a pilot for the duration of the flight." "The task:" "You embark on a circumterrestrial orbit with vertical start, you await two RZ-6 types, a direct flight spaceship, you guide them away onto the moon, you make sure that they are at their place of destination there, then" "you return to the Earth afterwards, with the help of radio- and radar connection RAS newscaster satellite." "Into the elevator!" "Glória." "Good luck with the flight!" "Thank you." "Hello!" "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now." "The data of the manoeuvre." "Initial acceleration: 2.2 units." "End acceleration: after 83 minutes zero." "Newscast: in the third sector" "The end." "The end." "Börst flew off already." "He's on orbit somewhere already." "Yes?" "Why didn't you fly with him if you're so keen?" "You can calm down, I didn't come for your mood." "My elder brother sent help to you." "Why do you hiss?" "I don't like it, if you hiss for me." "Do not scream, don't be loud because the cassette player's recording everything." "4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 0" "Hooray!" "I flew." "I flew." "I flew." "I flew." "You think you're on a pleasure flight?" "Automatic management ends." "Take over the control of the spaceship." "AMU-127!" "AMU-127!" "I'm taking control of the spaceship!" "My second velocity: 7.1" "Altitude: 201 km." "Acceleration: 1.9" "Switch over onto orbit B68!" "Where is orbit B68?" "I could use that autocue now." "Hooray!" "We are on the orbit!" "We are on the orbit!" "Hello centre!" "AMU-127 here." "I'm halting the driving-gear!" "I'll throw it over." "In time!" "Weightlessness ensues if we turn off the driving-gear on the parking orbit." "You can find it in the physics coursebook, primary school class 5." "I don't know a lot about physics, but it's as if I was hearing a suspicious noise." "What?" "You're right!" "Sure, it's because we got into the operational radius of RAS" "What's that, RAS?" "R-A-S:" "Radio Automatic System." "Got it?" "Don't you get it?" "A newscaster satellite." "This is stupid!" "Since the satellites have their own space.." "The driving-gear must have gone wrong then!" "Sure, sure." "This happened when I stopped it, right?" "After all it's good you came along, you say such stupid stuff I feel clever beside you." "If you're so clever, then tell me, what's making that noise?" "I don't know." "Listen to me!" "Are you not joking with me?" "Me?" "How would I be joking?" "Open your mouth!" "Your pocket radio's making the noise!" "My radio is out of order." "I've gone mad, already my head rumbles!" "I hear it, but I didn't go mad." "Look!" "That's impossible!" "What?" "An alien spaceship can't be in this sector according to the data of the manoeuvre." "AMU-127 calling Earth." "AMU-127 calling Earth." "AMU-127 speaking." "An unknown spaceship is ahead of me." "Request instruction." "What kind of alien spaceship?" "What's that in space?" "Are you dreaming?" "What are you staring at?" "Do something already." "Fine, but what should I do?" "They said that I'm dreaming." "Börst must already.." "Börst, I know, spread all over half the world already." "But look, am I dreaming?" "It is not possible to absorb this with a sound mind." "AMU-126 here, Student Börst reporting!" "My situation it prescribed: 12-27-33" "Alien spaceship near me." "Its coordinates, measured by me:" "13.0072 sinus farbem" "Its average distance:" "A thousand tracking units." "I request instruction!" "Earth base's instruction to AMU-126 and AMU-127" "Earth base's instruction to AMU-126 and AMU-127" "To explore the alien spaceship." "They said before that there's nothing there!" "AMU-127 to Earth." "Message understood." "I measure the coordinates of the alien spaceship immediately, and then explore." "RZ-6 to AMU-127." "RZ-6 to AMU-127." "This is crazy." "AMU-127 to RZ-6." "Switch over onto an other orbit!" "RZ-6 to AMU-127." "RZ-6 to AMU-127." "I request radio management!" "AMU-127 to RZ-6." "Switch over onto an other orbit!" "I hang myself promptly." "I don't want you to do that." "Do you fear for my life?" "I wouldn't like you to be disappointed." "Disappointed?" "If you hung yourself here you wouldn't be able to choke, because there isn't enough gravity." "I know this." "You're right, it's only possible to go mad here." "AMU-127 to RZ-6." "Switch over onto an other orbit!" "Oh, my God, I shouldn't push that button!" "AMU-127 to RZ-6." "Switch to a parallel route with 0.01 briefings" "Finally you've come to your senses!" "This could only happen to you!" "Imagine your friends laughing when they read my article." "The legend of the button pushed in the wrong direction." "You want to write that?" "Of course I'll write it." "This the largest experience of my life" "I'm not sure you'll get home alive." "I am not afraid already because you found the button, right?" "Keep quiet.. you journalist!" "Professor Sir, I'm accelerating!" "All my velocity: 3200." "The distance isn't decreasing." "I accelerate longer." "4880." "Professor, I accelerate uselessly, the distance isn't decreasing, but increasing." "It increased from 1000 units to 1200 units." "AMU-126 to Earth." "If I slow down, the distance decreases." "I instruct AMU-126 and AMU-127, continue the exploration!" "The alien spaceship modified his direction and is going toward the moon" "Following him according to paragraph B33 is impossible for me." "I exempt you from paragraph B33 and I instruct you to follow the alien spaceship in the direction of the moon." "Considering of the gravity of the moon, don't let an accident happen." "Good, good, if only I had known what paragraph B33 is." "I believe it the concerns the moon's attractiveness, if my logic does not lie." "You know a lot." "Look!" "What is it?" "That was bad enough!" "What are you frightened of?" "The lid of the fuse-box came off." "Those 4 main cables are not insulated, that is, the box was the insulation." "So?" "You don't need to touch it." "Fine." "Things like this must not happen." "The whole ship may disintegrate the same way if the fuse-box falls apart so easily." "Look!" "Here's the Moon." "How beautiful." "As if human foot would never have trampled on it." "Beautiful." "Oh my God!" "What happened?" "Don't you see?" "The help flew out of your hand." "It may break the circuit if it bumps into it." "It is not necessary to think of a tragedy immediately." "I told you." "And now what next?" "I hope it turns back on automatically, and throws it down." "We'd need to intervene." "Something like a long tool." "A fishing rod." "A fishing rod on a spaceship?" "Go on then, sort it out." "I can't now, we are accelerating." "I'd stick up onto the wall, like a family picture." "We're accelerating because the engines are working?" "Because of that." "Stop them." "Look Glória." "Space flight is not just like driving." "We must reach this unknown spaceship on a suitable moon orbit." "We have to accelerate till we reach a clearly defined velocity." "And when we reach that the computer turns off the accelerating engines." "Oh, my God!" "What's wrong now?" "The computer cannot turn off the main driving-gear because of the broken circuit." "This is a near catastrophe!" "Even without this, there was a great risk of falling down to the moon." "It's worse now." "Fabricius warned us." "Why don't the engines stop if there is a broken circuit?" "They are on an other electronic circuit." "It is necessary to do something!" "Where you going?" "Do you want to leave?" "I'll try to intervene." "Wow that's great!" "Can I float?" "I'll be glad if I can sit back down." "Tell me, Pirx!" "Is eating the equipment an astronaut habit?" "No, a journalist habit." "Don't speak with your mouth full!" "Wow, but this is exciting!" "You feel pretty good considering that we're freefalling onto the moon." "1800 kilometres until the moon." "It is not possible to brake it." "But we won't give up." "We need to curve to the side." "We did it!" "Where is the alien spaceship?" "The door!" "Pilot Pirx!" "It was a good effort." "I've gone crazy!" "Then we've both gone crazy." "This happens frequently with young persons." "So, in a word, I wasn't flying?" "No." "But everything happened just as if you had been in space." "I don't understand this." "But it's very simple." "We were on the Earth all the time." "We were sitting in a simulator, where a video recorder played in our experiences." "And what about my article then?" "You write it." "You said you wanted to write about an astronaut exam." "And I told you that you can't fly, but you didn't believe me." "That was the exam, and here is the new astronaut." "Student Pirx became an astronaut and not just any kind." "Congratulations, son." "Congratulations from me too!" "And Börst?" "He collided with the moon, figuratively speaking." "You, the Astronaut Academy's school-leavers of this year, are together for the last time." "We visited the craters of the Moon and Mars with our first spaceships when I was a student." "We built the space station on Pluto since then." "I hope that you will be the ones, who go beyond the solar system, and drive our spaceships towards distant stars." "What you learned here, you shouldn't regard as definitive and for forever." "Our knowledge increases day by day, and it changes." "An astronaut has to keep himself steady." "But let us not talk about the learning now." "Have fun, feel good." "Cheers!" "Look, how do you like that?" "I do not like naturalist laser videos." "Let's go on!" "Well.. 4 years." "We spent 4 years together." "We can't connect your bed to the power supply." "The cable sparked even more than Fabricius's eye." "It was nothing to when we put a mouse in your spacesuit on your first flight, remember?" "How you squeaked." "What do you think about my younger sister?" "She looks better than she does in a spacesuit." "Thanks." "Well guys, what kind of vehicle did I get you on?" "I had to beg my uncle for us to be allowed to organize our banquet on this spaceship." "This not a spaceship, this is a luxury holiday resort." "Restaurant, wine cellar, swimming pool." "And artificial Sun." "Tell me, Glória, doesn't it disturb you that Pirx gazes at you like a calf at a new gate?" "This is a speciality." "Trotters cooked in the loaf." "And how beautiful the staff are." "Tell me, miss, are you not a robot by chance?" "No." "The speciality of transgalactic company is guaranteed service without robots." "I wouldn't like to have to turn her screws instead of the lady's head." "What an opinion she'll have of us!" "Maybe she'll think she's got a screw loose in her head." "Objection!" "Professor Marinus even let me in to the exam, my brilliance was so obvious." "It is genius, really, if somebody passes with so little knowledge." "Take note, the whole of space flight is in my little finger." "Yeah!" "You have so much knowledge, it fits in your little finger!" "What is it?" "You're drunk!" "Don't you feel it?" "We'll drink to keep up with it." "As if the spaceship had braked suddenly." "It's not possible to feel that on these most modern spaceships." "This isn't a trainee spaceship now." "How would Professor Fabricius say it?" "Do you know, Student Astronaut Pirx, son.." "whether we could feel braking on a luxury spaceship like this?" "Don't be silly, this not a joke." "Show proper respect for the professor, answer the question." "You don't understand that this is a serious matter." "Serious matter, sure, so serious." "Why don't we feel it?" "I feel it." "Of course, son, you feel yourself topple when you're dizzy, but is that braking?" "Let he who has space in his head not want to go into space, son." "Fly about in your empty head, son." "Maybe there's trouble, yes." "Come on!" "No trouble can happen to this spaceship." "It stopped suddenly!" "Don't be silly, what makes you think that?" "I feel it, a bend in the plane of the longitudinal axis." "Sure, he feels it." "In the cybernetic age, when a plain man has a multitude of instruments at his disposal, he needs nothing, he feels the decrease of velocity with his ear." "You can not feel this, Student Astronaut Pirx." "Why can't he feel it, Matters son?" "Why, Matters, tell me!" "Because the ship's artificial gravity equalises velocity changes, Prof. Sir." "The passenger feels neither the acceleration, nor the deceleration.." "Yes, in normal circumstances." "Now you've offended him." "Show some sensitivity." "Who am I?" "Glória." "Wrong." "I am an interstellar being from Sirius." "I twist the nose of the spaceship now." "Don't joke about this." "This is not a prank." "I'm sorry!" "I didn't want to hurt you." "I'm going to the palm garden." "Won't you come with me?" "Let's go." "Glória." "Do you feel it?" "What?" "Everything shook around you." "Pirx." "You're courting me." "And with what poetic words!" "It is possible to perceive everything only here." "From delicate little signs, whiffles." "Yes." "We sense it from delicate little signs.." "The bend in the plane of the longitudinal axis." "Something may have happened" "They just do not inform the passengers about it." "Entry restricted to star staff." "I request your identification number!" "TITAN here, TITAN here!" "Let the oxygen out into space.." "and the fire will cease." "TITAN here, TITAN here!" "Let the oxygen out into space and the fire will cease." "Albatross here, Albatross here!" "We let out the oxygen already... but we cannot disable the automatic oxygen generator owing to the explosion." "It is not possible to stop the fire because of this." "Albatross here, Albatross here!" "The split in the ship's hull-seam is getting longer." "It's reaching the insulator walls." "The third degree radiation contamination is increasing on the deck." "We can no longer control the reactor." "We may help yet if we have a little luck." "Luna centre to Albatross." "Carry on." "Kobold-6 is approaching you from sector 64." "TITAN from sector 67..." "Ballistic from sector 44." "Albatross-4 to all, Albatross-4 to all!" "We cannot overcome the orbit difference... the ribs have failed, the air is leaking, the solution has flooded the engine room." "Full drive!" "TITAN to Albatross-4." "Carry on." "We are approaching you on full drive." "We are on the border of your sector, we will arrive shortly." "Carry on, carry on, over!" "Attention!" "Acceleration: 8 units" "What's that?" "Kobold-6 to all assisting Albatross." "Kobold-6 to all assisting Albatross." "I have entered Albatross' sector." "TITAN to Kobold-6!" "Leave that sector, because we are on an identical orbit, we will collide." "We have reached the Albatross already." "We start rescue operations immediately." "Luna centre to TITAN." "Luna centre to TITAN." "In consideration of your passengers' safety, I call upon you, stop!" "Kobold-6, continue the approach to Albatross!" "Have we stopped?" "No commander, it would be necessary to brake very strongly." "TITAN to Luna centre." "I cannot stop because my velocity is too great." "Change direction, then." "Change direction, then." "Leave the Albatross' sector." "Give free access to Kobold." "Attention, half-turn!" "What could have caused this terrible catastrophe?" "Maybe the reactor cooling system." "That cursed reactor always fails." "It's important that we let the Kobold arrive in time." "These are the final minutes." "Who are you?" "I am a graduate astronaut candidate." "And how did you manage to get in here?" "With the mirror trick?" "I was an astronaut candidate too." "Kobold here, Kobold here!" "Calling Luna centre, I cannot direct my spaceship, my reactor overloaded." "I cannot approach the Albatross." "Luna centre calling TITAN" "Luna centre calling TITAN" "I alter the former command." "Return onto your previous orbit." "Try to save the crew of the Albatross." "This was bad enough." "Stop reactor 1!" "Reactor 2 and 3: orbit modification." "12, 33, 49" "We've lost valuable minutes already, unfortunately." "TITAN to Albatross" "Abandon ship!" "We'll find you!" "Leave the ship!" "Albatross to TITAN." "We've lost the control deck." "We're moving over into the airlock." "Additional radio connection ceases, we're moving over into the airlock." "We've lost the control deck." "Radio contact ends." "TITAN to Albatross." "Message received, we are preparing ourselves for the rescue." "Alert!" "Pods 1, 3 and 7 prepare for blastoff." "Crew them according to the 72nd command." "Full readiness!" "Commander?" "Pod 7 approaching!" "Give me a status report!" "We've reached the Albatross." "Because the ship's hull is glowing, the situation is critical." "The airlock door is closed." "The crew nowhere to be seen." "We did not think of this." "The automatics of the airlock mechanism may have been damaged." "They are trapped there in a metal box that's being heated up." "Irrecoverable." "Commander?" "Yes!" "Is there a manual module on the spaceship?" "No, this is not a trainee spaceship." "I could solve it that way, though." "How?" "I would approach it, and I would cut the airlock door out with a laser pistol." "Commander, there is an apparatus like that on the spaceship." "The cook's." "He makes spacewalks with it secretly." "Suit up!" "Find the manual module." "Take over command." "We approach the Albatross maximally." "Orbit modification: 9, 11, 23." "Entry restricted to star staff." "I request your identification number!" "Commander of pod 4 reporting." "The rescue action succeeded." "The crew of the Albatross and Pirx are on the pod decks." "You see Glória, this was the real diploma exam."