"hold it. i haven't had my dessert." "oh, gross." "what is that?" "it's a slimeball." "alf!" "i know what you're going to say." "i shouldn't bring treats to the table... unless i have enough for everyone." "we're in luck." "no, we're not." "you're sure?" "there's a surprise in the center." "alf, where did you get those?" "melmac." "i usually buy wild cherry, but... all they had left was slug." "oh- alf- what's the surprise in the center?" "i'll give you a hint." "in wild cherry, it was a cherry." "we'll pass." "okay, more for me." "it's a lucky thing i found these... when i was cleaning out my spaceship." "in a couple of months they'd have gone bad." "oh, no!" "oh, they're not that stale." "no, look, it's a roach!" "roach?" "i think someone's been slacking off... on her housekeeping." "**" "where did the roach go?" "it ran under the bag." "somebody step on it." "there it goes." "look, it has blue eyes." "of course it does." "it's a roach." "haven't you ever heard the expression," ""her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?" "would somebody just squash it!" "wait a minute, kate." "this thing came all the way from melmac." "it's a unique specimen." "we already have a unique specimen from melmac." "you're comparing me to a cockroach?" "i'm going to get the spray." "answer me!" "but, mom, wait." "i want to take it to show 'n tell." "it will be just as interesting dead." "no, no, here's what we should do." "we should catch it." "i'll build a little box." "we'll put a piece of doughnut... right in the middle." "then, you guys... make sure alf doesn't get the doughnut before the roach." "then i'll" "never mind the box." "you mentioned something about a doughnut." "alf, we are trying to figure out... what to do with the roach." "why?" "it's gone." "what?" "look, it's not there anymore." "where did it go?" "maybe you didn't spray it enough." "i used half a can." "i'll be right back." "where are you going?" "i'm going to call a doughnut place... that delivers." "come on, everybody." "we are going to find that roach." "kate, calm down." "calm down?" "there is a space-roach loose... in our house." "maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity." "psst. willie." "all right, alf, you can order the doughnuts." "i already did. but... that's not why i said, "psst. "" "why did you say, "psst"?" "just come out here." "what is all this secrecy about?" "i didn't want to upset kate." "what is it that would upset kate?" "i believe a foot-long cockroach... would upset kate." "ol' blue eyes is back." "come on, you guys." "i told grandma we'd be there in 10 minutes." "can the cockroach come with us?" "brian, i think you're missing... the point of this trip." "good news." "it's dead?" "let's say, it's got... 3 feet in the grave." "the exterminator's on his way over." "we don't need an exterminator." "we need sigourney weaver." "kate, unpack your bags." "alf, cancel the exterminator." "i've killed the roach." "honey, that's wonderful!" "tell us how you killed the roach." "yeah, how did you kill rodney?" "you named it... after my brother?" "i, i can't help but- willie, how did you kill the roach?" "i used the spray." "did you actually see the body?" "i saw it hit the floor." "and then?" "then i came in here." "so, we're talking about... an unconfirmed kill." "technically." "let's go, kids." "wait!" "kate, i emptied... a whole can of spray on it." "i tell you, it's dead." "call when you get to your mother's." "keep in touch, willie." "let's go, kate." "you're not going anywhere." "that's your roach." "it was my roach when it was an inch long." "now it belongs to the world." "stay right where you are." "i'll call you when the exterminator leaves." "good-bye, honey, be careful." "bye, dad." "bye, rodney." "rodney- bye, daddy." "listen, if it goes into my room, i don't want to know about it." "bye, alf." "listen, what's that exterminator plan... to use on this thing?" "i don't know, spray." "hmmm." "hmmm, what?" "well, maybe nothing, but... we started with a roach this big." "kate sprayed it." "later it was big enough to wear a sweater." "then you sprayed it again." "now, i hate to extrapolate- alf, what happened when you... sprayed roaches on melmac?" "we didn't have spray on melmac." "which, in retrospect, seems like a good thing." "what's it doing back there?" "anything it wants to." "you better hide in the kitchen." "if you need me, i'll be on top of the refrigerator." "exterminator." "oh, right." "where are they?" "in the bedroom." "but, actually there aren't... really all that many." "actually, there's... just one." "all right, i'll go kill the roach." "wait just a minute, please." "you can't use that spray." "why not?" "give me the tank." "want my shoes, too, so i don't step on it?" "i was hoping you might be able to suggest... some more scientific way to kill it." "i'll just take a magazine... and whack it." "wait, wait, take this instead." "maybe you better open the front door." "let me out of here!" "i've got to see this for myself." "you want me to hold the door open?" "how big did it get?" "well, that depends." "do you measure at the shoulder or the head?" "well, let's go, willie." "we're all packed and i started the car." "we're not running away from this roach." "you didn't hear me." "i said, we're driving away from this roach." "no, i'm not giving up." "i'm going to find something to kill it." "may i suggest the national guard." "i'd prefer a method that would keep us off... the 6:00 news." "all right, i'll see you later." ""d" stands for drive, right?" "alf, look, panicking is not going to help anything." "right, let's just sit around and read." "this is not reading." "this is research!" "i'm going to solve this problem... with a calm, clinical approach." "that's exactly what those guys in detroit said." "then one morning they woke up and... found themselves infested with jaffees." "jaffees?" "yeah, bloodsucking maggots... that take the shape of their host." "detroit?" "michigan?" "you amaze me." "you think that's the only detroit in the universe?" "where's the other one?" "on melmac." "a lot of good r  b groups came out of there." "thank you, alf, thank you." "could we stick to the problem." "we're supposed to be finding a way... to kill roaches." "i thought of one, but you didn't like it." "i don't have a harpoon." "whose fault is that?" "you can't expect me to take care of everything." "i think i may have discovered... a less violent solution." "now, all these books say... that the best way to kill roaches... is with boric acid." "yeah, that's what they used on the jaffees." "well, did it work?" "let's put it this way." "detroit became known as jaffeetown." "maybe they didn't have the right concentration." "fortunately, i have access to all the... latest scientific research." ""mccall's?"" "they did an article on poison." "tanner, you in there?" "alf, under the counter." "it's crawling with spiders back there!" "go!" "can i at least take something to read?" ""steve allen's world of bugs. "" "great, i've already read it." "hi, tanner." "hi, trevor." "the exterminator left your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank." "bugs?" "oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem." "ah, yeah, cockroaches." "blatella germanicus, our little prehistoric friend." "you know, cockroach fossils have been found... that are over three hundred million years old." "that's nice, trevor." "i'll never forget the cockroach problem we had in korea." "they were everywhere." "taking a step was like walking on crackers." "you get enough of that in your system, forget it." "they showed us a movie about it." "david niven was brilliant." "well, i'll see ya." "by the way, i took the liberty of... spraying around your house." "you, what?" "yeah, i noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so i dosed it up for you... real good." "no charge." "oh, no!" "i said, no charge." "where are you going?" "i'm going to the drugstore... to buy all the boric acid they've got." "but you heard trevor." "what if you come back and i've been tenderized?" "i won't be gone long." "i'll only be gone 5 minutes." "take me with you." "you know i can't." "well, throw me in the trunk." "there's no air." "you'd suffocate." "i'll wear scuba gear." "that'll give me 30 minutes." "plus, if you drive off a bridge, i'll survive." "i haven't got time to argue." "all right, go!" "first, kate and the kids, now you." "i feel like the pretty, little virgin." "the what?" "the apple-cheeked maiden that the... cowardly townspeople feed to the dragon." "don't you read fairy tales?" "this is a discussion... that we're going to postpone." "i'm leaving now." "fine. i'll just toddle off into the kitchen... and sauté myself." "oh, alf, you know i wouldn't leave you if... i had any other choice." "then, hug me." "what?" "i want a hug." "why?" "because we may never see each other again." "and we've never taken the time to, you know, hug." "now tell me you love me." "oh, alf." "all right, all right, just hurry back, okay?" "and don't stop for anything." "except maybe some more doughnuts." "jelly!" "all right, i should take it easy." "i mean, the only thing we have to fear... is fear, itself." "whoever said that must... have had a lot of bodyguards." "be strong, be strong." "be afraid, be very afraid." "listen, you don't want to eat me." "i'm pure gristle." "my whole family has an aftertaste." "if you can hold out, there's doughnuts on the way." "good idea, put some coffee on." "ahh, ahhhhhhhhh." "oh, i should have guessed." "it probably likes gristle." "now i feel like a tease." "hello, operator, this is an emergency!" "give me the fire department... or the police... or the paramedics;" "somebody. i don't care, you decide." "hello?" "fire department?" "well, i need you to come out here." "there's a giant cockroach trying to kill me!" "all right." "i'm a cat stuck in a tree." "whatever it takes" "operator, make it the paramedics!" "ah, ahhhhhhhhh." "whoever builds the doors on this planet... ought to be horsewhipped!" "occupied!" "all right, the party's over." "i've got a.357... and i know how to use it." "no one's ever told me where these things lead." "nah!" "oh, you want to use the bathroom." "is that it?" "hey, hey, i know the feeling." "aaahhhh!" "you're angry at the world." "i understand that." "you probably didn't get enough love as a larva." "uh, i've got an idea." "we could sit down, talk, have a nice cold glass of boric acid." "you know, we could deal with it." "what do you think about that?" "ever see one of these, huh?" "take that!" "i was only kidding;" "joke, joke." "you know what?" "i've got the number of... a good psychiatrist friend of mine." "he deals with psychopathic ants and... roaches!" "here, take this!" "now you'll smell good, too." "alf, alf, are you okay?" "oh, hi, willie." "did you get the doughnuts?" "alf, what did you do?" "nothing much." "watched a little tv." "killed a bug." "how did you kill it?" "cheap cologne." "that's perfume." "i bought that for kate... on her last birthday." "you had roach problems then, too?" "how did you know to use this?" "well, i analyzed the list of ingredients, and based on what i know about the... physiology of melmacian cockroaches- alf- i lucked out!" "i can't believe you took this roach on... all by yourself." "you could have been killed." "when it comes to defending my home, i'm an animal!" "that's just the way i'm made." "well, i'm going to, uh, i'm going to drag this outside... before kate gets back." "no, don't rough it up!" "once they dry out, they get brittle." "what difference does that make?" "are you kidding?" "i plan to have that guy stuffed and mounted... a. s.a. p." "i thought it would look good over the fireplace." "we're getting rid of it!" "hello?" "hi, kate, i was about to call you." "i've got some good news about the roach." "and some bad news... about your birthday present." "good night, alf." "brian, how about a bedtime story?" "i'm too tired to tell you one tonight." "no, i'll tell you one." "oh, okay." "what do you want to hear?" ""babar, the elephant,"" ""the princess and the pea,"" "or," ""brave alf and the giant cockroach"?" "i'll go with the princess." "fine, read it yourself." "what did you do with the cockroach?" "we found a dump that doesn't ask questions." "too bad they don't give a prize for weird garbage." "alf, did you check your spaceship to see... if there were any more cockroaches?" "consider it roachless." "you sprayed everything with perfume... just in case?" "well, everything but my gym bag." "i don't want to get funny looks if... i ever go back to my health club." "what, what is this plant?" "looks kind of like a venus flytrap." "it is." "from venus." "i want that out of this house." "why?" "it's just a plant." "it brightens up the room;" "gives off oxygen." "it eats insects- and pencils." "i'll get the perfume." "i'll call and see if the dump is still open." "i'll take back the boric acid and get some... defoliant." "you people are getting good at this."