"Top Gear 10x01 English Transcript:" "Evarin  SimonP @Transcript UK Manager" "Completed and Synced by:" "Z102@Finalgear" "Hello and welcome to Top Gear!" "Now...thank you." "Thank you very much." "Now, in the current climate," "Now, in the current climate," "I think it's very important to reassure you all that everything you see on this show is FOR REAL." "Yes, nothing on this show is faked in any way." "Which makes it all the more amazing when you see what we've got lined up over the next ten weeks." "Hold onto your spleen, everyone." "Mayday!" "Unbelievable!" "You look like a gay cowboy, and you look like a gay terrorist." "Oh, my eyes!" "Oh, dear!" "He is the Stig's African cousin." "Mm!" "Ah!" "That's not gone well." "Power!" "I am the Road Warrior!" "It's gonna be good." "Right, right." "On with tonight." "Yes, indeed." "Now, every year, the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts congregate in a field in Austria and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them and, frankly," "I'd rather blowtorch my nipples off, but..." "Volkswagen, every year, sends them a little present - a concept car of some kind, to say, "Thank you for your loyalty."" "This year, though, disaster." "Volkswagen forgot." "Eight weeks to go." "They had to build something, anything, to keep the fans happy." "Luckily, Volkswagen owns lots of other car companies " "Bentley," "Bugatti," "Lamborghini," "Skoda," "Audi and Seat so they had a big bin to rummage around in for parts." "What they did, then, with the clock ticking, was take the rear axle and brakes from a Lamborghini Gallardo, the twin turbo-charged W12 engine from a Bentley Continental, and the rear sub-frame and floor from an Audi R8." "And then, they put all these bits and pieces in the body of a Golf." "And here it is." "It's called the GTI W12, and unlike most concept cars, it actually works." "Sort of." "As you'd expect with a car made so quickly, there are one or two issues." "The paddles here on the steering wheel for the gearbox don't work." "Er, these switches here, they don't work." "Sat-nav does work, but thinks it's in Germany." "And these heating and ventilation knobs they're not connected to anything." "So I'm very hot." "The six-litre, 640hp," "12-cylinder engine, though... ..that works... just fine." "As a result, this car will get from 0 - 60 in 3.5 seconds!" "And it will keep on accelerating all the way to 202." "To contain all the power and the fury, the W12 is 6 inches wider and 3 inches lower than a normal Golf." "The roof is made from carbon fibre." "The tyres sit like smears of paint on the wheels, and the engine is where you'd expect to find the back seats." "To cool it, there are massive intake vents in the sills." "That's why the bottom of the car is swollen like your granny's ankles." "And they made all these changes in just eight weeks." "However did they lose?" "The funny thing is, you sit here, looking at a Golf dashboard and a Golf bonnet, through a Golf windscreen, and you think," ""It's a Golf."" "But it so isn't!" "It's not a particularly savage car." "It doesn't explode when you stamp on the accelerator," "It's just this surge of power that takes you up to" "5,500rpm." "And then, the surge becomes a flood." "I can't get away from it!" "It is an insane car, this." "Opening up a Golf to find it has 640hp is like opening up Gordon Brown's trousers and finding he's wearing stockings and suspenders." "Mad." "Unfortunately, there is a small problem..." "This car will not go round corners." "The wheelbase is short, and it's rear-wheel drive so you have to be extremely gentle." "You have to treat all the controls like they're made of glass." "Even if you're really gentle, you'll still..." "Yes, yes." "You'll still end up coming out of the corner backwards, like that." "I meant that..." "Tame the under-steer, there's a lot of it..." "I've got it!" "No, I haven't!" "An hour later" "I reckoned I was getting somewhere." "Come, come, come," "COME!" "Yes..." "That doesn't work, either." "I think the kindest thing I can say about the brakes and suspension is they're...not finished yet." "You're such a spanner!" "It just goes, "Eurgh!" and there's smoke everywhere." "You were." "I wasn't." "You were." "I wasn't." "Let me get one thing clear." "This isn't going to go on sale, is it?" "No." "Volkswagen sent it to us cos they said," ""If people like it, we'll put it into production."" "They're not going to get any encouragement from me." "To be honest, that is ghastly." "My biggest problem with it" "I can't see the point to say," ""I've got a supercar and the great thing is, it looks like a Golf."" "That's like saying, "I'm married to a supermodel and the great thing is, she looks like a traffic warden!"" "It doesn't make any sense." "Even so, we must now see how quickly it can crash on our track." "And for that, we need our tame racing driver." "Yeah, some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field." "And that because our producer rigged a phone-vote, he now has a new name." "All we know is he's called "Cuddles"." "And he's off." "We know this car is frisky but if anyone can tame it, this is the man." "First corner, twitchy on the braking." "Tyres howling in pain." "Back on the power." "Nicely done." "No CD today, because predictably, the stereo doesn't work." "OK, through Chicago." "Nursing it round there carefully." "Another huge surge of power, coming up to Hammerhead." "Wiggling its hips under the brakes." "He's chucked it in." "It's in..." "It's biting back!" "Ooh, he's having to fight it every inch of the way." "Listen to that." "In the Bentley, that engine is as quiet as a startled deer." "Here, it's like being chased by an imploding star!" "And about as scary." "Winding it up, here he comes now, through the tyres." "Oh, yeah." "Looking good." "Ish." "Just two accidents waiting to happen." "Turns in, look at the over-steer!" "Cuddles is really having to wrestle it through there." "Up to Gambon." "He's taking it very gingerly and I'm not surprised." "Here we are, and across the line." "Got the time here." "The time is... 1.29.6" "Top Gear top tip:" "if you want a slow car that looks like a Golf, get a Golf." "That's interesting, the Stig didn't spin that car once in that lap..." "Anyway, it's time now for the news..." "You may notice we've got some new furniture," "And a new telly..." "Now, the problem is, you see," "There was a fire at our storage depot you might have seen it in the papers." "And nearly all of our props got... destroyed." "Yeah, and the police are saying, you can see it here, that it was arson." "Yeah, but..." "I mean, who'd do that?" "It's not like we've ever upset anyone..." "I know!" "Well, there was the vicar whose tree I rammed in a Toyota pickup truck... and everyone in Wales... and everyone in Birmingham, everyone in America..." "Yeah." "And while we were making this series, actually we managed to upset the Coast Guard, who said that we've ruined the English Channel." "Hang on a minute!" "What?" "You're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our... chairs, are you?" "No, I'm not!" "I know who did this..." "Who?" "Fifth Gear." "Hang on, why?" "Can we just look at the evidence?" "Just last week ok?" "It was in the papers." "They've rolled a Bedford Rascal van." "There it is, ok?" "A year ago, if we look at a shot from Top Gear..." "WE rolled a Bedford Rascal van." "They're now saying that one of their presenters has hurt his foot..." "That's not an accident!" "WE have proper accidents on this show!" "You think they're a bit... jelous?" "Tiff, Vicky, stop burning our things..." "Yes." "Can I just say?" "The seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator." "So if anybody out there's watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator..." "Hang on, you're gonna say: "If you got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats..."" "Write to us at:" "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up." "BBC Television, London... wherever we are." "Woodlane." "I love the way James has got into that chair, as though he belongs..." "Did you notice that?" "He's just sitting there and going, "It's just me..."" "It looks as if you get one of these with one of these..." "They just ship them together as a pair..." "It's exactly the same as my furniture at home," "I'm very familiar with it, and comfortable." "Should we move on?" "Yes!" "And there's lots of supercars at the moment, new stuff, so I thought we could take a quick look at some of those" "Here's that Roush..." "Ford GT, and they've turned the supercharger up on that," "So it's now... 610 instead of 550 HP." "It's gonna be 141000 pounds, they're only making 10 of those..." "That's as fast as it'll ever go." "In the picture." "And there's this: the Lamborghini" "Reventón." "They're only making 20 of these," "It is... costly:" "800000 pounds a piece... 800 quid?" "Yes, but look at it!" "It looks like a stealth fighter, all angles, it's beautiful... 800 thousand quid?" "Yeah." "This is the Bentley Brooklands," "It's... it's a 2-door... erm..." "What's the other one called that they make?" "Continental, Azure, Arnage...?" " My, we have been off for a while, haven't we?" " Arnage, yes!" "The Arnage," "This 2-door version that... 530 horsepower, 230000 pounds..." "Proper Bentley, though." "old school..." "Probably comfortable, good for your piles..." "I have to say as well there's not all supecars, there are some affordable cars out as well..." "There's one..." " OK, now..." " Enough of that..." "Another quick look at a new car:" "Subaru Impreza STI hyper-nutter-rally-thing coming along..." "Haven't released many facts about it yet, probably gonna be 300 hp there or thereabouts, turbocharged engine..." "But." "We're pretty confident it's not gonna be a looker." "No." "No, because, well..." "Here's the photograph they sent out of it..." "Just ahead of its release," "Honestly, that is..." "That's the photograph they sent out." "We haven't faked that in..." "No, we have not faked that, that's what they sent us." "So, can you send us a picture of your new car?" "Yes... here it is..." "Doesn't suggest confidence, does it?" " No." " It's ?" "we know it." "Oh, now, listen." "you know in the olden days, when Britain was a sensible country, if you had a bump on the motorway, put your car on the hard shoulder," "Exchanged names and addresses with the other guy, and then you went on your way." "Not any more, have you noticed this, now?" "If you have a bump on the motorway now, you know those policemen who aren't really policemen?" "They come to the scene of the crash and close the motorway." "Have you noticed?" "I was on the M40 on Wednesday, tiny crash, couple of broken indicator lenses, they got there and they had shut all three lanes." "HUGE queue, people missing meetings, people missing flights... just so they can run around picking things up." "I've never seen..." "You know what?" "When I got to the office I just found out how many other motorways have been closed today" "You know what it was?" "I got a list here:" "Just on that one day." "The M40, the M1..." "The M25, the M26, the M66, and the M24 all shut... by these wombles." "We can manage without you, you day-glow..." " Oooh, that's..." " ..." "Wombles." "That's touching, ladies and gentlemen: his first rant of the series." " Do you have more news?" " I have got more news..." "Bentley have recalled some cars..." "There's a problem with their wheelnuts, apparently." "They might not be fastened properly..." "Bentley say it's not a big deal." "It's only one batch of nuts affected." "It only affects..." "I got it written down here..." "It only concerns the Arnage R,  and the Arnage T  and the Arnage RL,  and the Azure." "So, basically, pretty much all of the cars they make." "And it's only those built between February'05  and August last year." "That's a year and a half!" "Though my favourite is the government, ok?" "who actually run this recall." "They say here:" ""If the bolts do become loose," "This would in all probability be noticeable to the driver..." "Yes, it would." "...as there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise." "When a wheel comes out!" "Sparks!" "And sky, road,  sky, road,... ditch!" "Dear, I think there might be something wrong with the car..." "I think they were jealous of Rolls-Royce." "'Cos they used to say that the loudest thing in a Rolls-Royce at 100mph was the clock." "Yeah." "So now Bentley can say," "The loudest thing in a Bentley at 100mph is the front near-side wheel falling off." "New Highway Code's come along and it says now that they advise you don't smoke while behind the wheel." "Why?" "I mean, us three all smoke, ok?" "Nothing to be proud of, the fact is that we all do." "We don't crash..." "Well, two of us don't, so..." "Actually, I've given up smoking as well, mate." "There you are: you can't do two things at once..." "I can multitask." " You can multitask?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I've seen you putting your make-up on." "Yeah." "And driving." "And driving." "I've seen you multitask when driving." "No, you can't talk about that on the television." "It isn't in the Highway Code..." "Yeah, the... the people who wrote the... the Highway Code thing, you know, the ones who say if you feel tired pull off at the motorway services..." "Before you weren't allowed to..." "" " You arrive to the services and pull off" "So they say that, but on the other hand, they say you ca... Just because they can't drive and smoke at the same time doesn't mean the rest of us were spanners." "This is ridiculous..." "No, it is a good point." "Although it gives me an idea:" "'Cos we've got a track..." "Why don't we have like track days?" "But instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people... smoke... while they're driving..." "Or put their make-up on..." "Or use their mobile phone." " all the stuff you wanna do when..." " Or eat a pie..." "Yeah, and at track speed..." "That's fantastic: 100 pounds you come here to..." "You're late for work, you say, I gotta make a call..." "I'll go around the Top Gear test track," "You can make the call, have a pie..." "A slice of freedom..." "And you don't have to pull off in the services..." "And the 100 pounds that you pay us we can spend on new seats..." "And that's the end of the news." "Right." "It's time for a question." "And the question is" "Where is the best driving road in the world?" "Something that has everything - the challenging bends, no traffic, the great views, the long, fast straights, the lot." "Now, it's unlikely to be here, because everyone does five." "It won't be here, because everyone's on drugs." "That's all just full of ox." "Al Gore says that's gone, so it's not gonna be down there." "That's full of spiders." " Signposts here are all gibberish..." " Right, Jeremy!" "these are all Communists..." "Can't go there " "'Cos the Americans will shoot you." "Stop!" "Thank you!" "All right." "Obviously, we did discuss this at length, and we eventually decided the best driving road in the world was probably somewhere in continental Europe." "Specifically, around here." "The Alps." "Then we decided that the best thing for us to do was to go there and see if we could find it." "This is where our quest began:" "in the mountains above Monte Carlo, in the south of France." "Now, obviously, you can't go looking for the best driving road in the world in a Japanese hatch-back or a people carrier." "So, what we thought we'd do is bring along a selection of the new generation of lightened supercars." "I've chosen this:" "the new Porsche 911 GT3 RS." "In essence, the GT3 is a lighter, tauter version of the normal 911, and this, the RS, is a lighter, tauter version of the GT3." "So, this is, in fact, the ultimate version, of the ultimate version of the ultimate version of the world's ultimate supercar." "No, it isn't." "The ultimate F-Plan supercar is what I've brought along." "It's a Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera, and it's like a normal Gallardo, but it's 100kg lighter, and the V10 engine is a bit more powerful." "That is quite a recipe." "Well, yeah, I suppose it is, if you're a fat, middle-aged bloke who wants to bore everybody about the track-days you've been on." "As you'd expect, I've done it properly and got myself a proper, gentleman's racer:" "the Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24." "James, that is just a racing car!" "It hasn't got anything in it at all..." "It hasn't even got a passenger seat!" "This isn't just some road-car Porsche with a bit of scaffolding in the back." "It's 250kg lighter than the standard car." "That's the weight of a big motorcycle." "So, you've got no radio?" "No." "You got no carpets?" "No." "No air-conditioning?" "No." "James, you have got a car with no air conditioning, in the south of France, in the middle of summer!" "It's better than that:" "his windows don't open!" "Yes, they do, actually." "That's a cat flap!" "You've both done the same thing:" "You have got standard road cars dressed with the tinsel of fake high performance." "Has it got air conditioning?" "Yes, it has got air conditioning." " You got air conditioning?" " Oh, yeah." " Yes!" " Shall we go?" " That is soooo..." " Yeah, shall we go?" "It's getting a bit muggy." "Right!" "Master switch... on." "Ignition switch... on..." "Faffing around." "Fuel reset..." "Pumps are reset..." "Fan is off..." "Neutral..." "Engine start." "Yes..." "Excellent, strapping in." "That one must go in there..." "Oh, God!" "I've done three minutes and I already adore this car." "This is so much fun." "Eventually," "James caught us up, so we turned off the motorway and began our search for driving heaven." "It didn't take long." "We found something called the Côl de Turini:" "a ribbon of tarmac that doesn't really go anywhere, so it was quiet." "Till we arrived." "This looked like the ideal place to unleash our cars a little bit." "Lamborghini have used their nous with this car." "They haven't just lobbed away all the things that you might need." "It's got a thinner prop-shaft, more delicate drive-shafts, the engine cover is made of plastic," "Rather than glass." "Even the wheel nuts are made from titanium." "All of these little things add up to 100kg." "They were going to ditch the four-wheel drive system to save another" "50kg, but today, here, now, on this road..." "..I'm glad they didn't!" "I was loving my Lamborghini, but if anything," "Richard was loving his Beetle even more." "There is something fantastically purposeful about this car." "They haven't been flash and messed about to try and make it look pretty, they've just taken off what they can take off, made lighter what they can make lighter... and away we go." "This thing revs higher than the standard car as well, so you can just keep on coming!" "They're so smug about their fancy-boy versions of lightweight cars." "When you drive a really, really stripped-out car like this, you're put back in touch with what driving is about." "You can hear all the machinery working, you can feel what it does." "And I was glad I didn't have air conditioning." "I don't know if you've ever picked up an air conditioning pump, but it is very heavy, and it saps some of the power of the engine." "I suppose it would be a good idea at this junction to explain why a lightweight car is a good idea." "You see, the problem is, modern cars are very heavy." "They've got all sorts of safety equipment on them - airbags and so on." "We demand luxuries like satellite navigation, and all this weight spoils the acceleration, ruins the fuel consumption, upsets the handling, and getting rid of it makes everything better." "Wow!" "Look at this now..." "Look at this bit!" "This road is used as a special stage on the Monte Carlo rally." "It's busy, it's twisty, it's got low walls that you can go over, huge drops that can kill you with ease..." "Meanwhile, in the Aston..." "I didn't care about James, though." "I just cared about this amazing road." "There's something about stringing together a load of hair-pins." "What a road!" "I mean, what a road!" "Honestly, it's.." "This metallic rattle..." "I keep belting my elbow on something really, really hard." "Ah, shut up!" "Richard and I were now so far ahead of Captain Slow, we decided to pull over." "How's your Beetle?" "Fine, thank you." "How's your Audi?" "Very f..." "Very funny in there, yeah." "The harder I drove to catch up, the more unbearable the noise became." "Hot..." "Uncomfortable..." "Numb buttocks..." "Crushed testicles..." "Sweaty shirt... smelly pits..." "Your Porsche, OK?" "is £15,000 more..." "Than a GT3..." "Than a normal GT3, cos it's got fewer parts." "It's lighter." "So it stands to reason, the fewer parts you have in your Porsche, the more expensive it becomes." "Until you get tothe point where someone with no Porsche at all walks past a showroom they're gonna get charged a million pounds!" "Oh, no, look..." "On price... how much is yours?" "150,000." "How much more is it than an ordinary one?" "That's a pretty flower!" "How much more is it?" "Come on, how much more is it than an ordinary one?" "26 grand!" "Well, there you go." "For what?" "I'm now beginning to go slightly faint  as a result of my dehydration..." "My eardrums are bleeding... and my pelvis has been turned to dust..." "It's gonna kill me..." "Here he comes..." "Finally." "Oh, my testicles!" "That is unbelievably good." " Oh, yeah" " Right, what do we think about that road?" "You don't wanna talk about your car then, James?" "No, I thought we were here to find a good road." "Don't like your car, do you?" "No, the car's excellent." "You know you've made a mistake, don't you?" "No, it's fantastic." "Well, I think that road's a benchmark." "A good starting point." "Now we should go and find another, better one." " Yeah, get stuff to compare it to." " Italy." " What?" "No, Switzerland." " Italy." "What about Austria?" "He just wants to talk about the war." "You'll get all maudlin and unbearable!" "Oh yes..." "Nonono." "I think Austria is" " under-rated." " It's got smooth roads." " We've never been there together." " It is the smooth roads!" "It is the smooth roads!" "It's because his suspension's so hard." "Italy's got really bumpy roads." "Italy'd be quite entertaining." "We should probably look at Italy." "A little beep there, telling me I've used a tank of fuel already..." "That's not good..." "I've got to do something to get the seat higher up." "This is ridiculous!" "I've got..." "I'm like an 85-year-old man!" "I was out of juice." "And although the camera crew had more," "I couldn't get it from their cans into the car..." "You know what's happened here?" "Audi, who of course own Lamborghini, they've built all of the car, and then just let the Italians, to keep them happy, do one thing." "Hi!" "Oh, dear." "Nice view here..." "Just thought you'd stop and admire it?" "Yeah..." "I might need your help..." "Why?" "There might be a problem..." "What?" "Fuel filler-cap won't open..." "Never mind..." " See you in Italy!" " No!" "I broke out the instruction manual, which was all in Italian." "Consola centrale con... interruttori... apperturi sportello... miformimento..." "We are useless Italians and we haven't built this properly..." "Yesss!" "Once we'd regrouped, we joined the motorway along the Italian Riviera." "By no means was this a great driving road, but there were some consolations..." "It's a symphony, is what it is." "The big V10 in this," "The flat six of Hammond's Porsche and then that brutal V8 in the racing car." "The trouble with tunnel blasting in a car with atomic power like the Lambo is that the fuel economy does drop a bit." "I was doing 9 miles to the gallon." "Oh, dear." "Is this your second fillup?" "Yes." "Mine's got a 110 liter endurance fuel tank." "If you two need to get in my slipstream when we're going up the hills 'cos I know you don't have much power..." "At no point have I liked more power to keep up with this thing." "How many horsepower?" "415." "522." "It's how it uses them, how it deploys them." "Top speed?" "175." "Top speed?" "185-ish." "195." "I'm just gonna say goodbye and leave..." "This is probably a good car, I'll grant you that, but it's half-hearted and limp-wristed, it's not a real" "It's not a real luxury supercar and neither is it a proper lightweight." "James, a little compromise might be useful in your car, be honest..." "No." "I love it!" "In fact, he loved it so much he bought it a present." " What's that?" " I've bought a cushion." " Are you admitting that it's uncomfortable?" " Nononono..." "He's admitting his car is uncomfortable." " No, it's been..." " Let me guess, that's interior design, a scatter cushion to look pretty." "So much nicer  my poor buttocks..." "Yeah, but would the weight of that cushion be a problem if Hammond and I suddenly decided that we were 8 years old?" "Paddle on the right..." "The Lambo and the Porsche are very, very close..." "The Aston Martin seems to be very, very slow!" "Didn't expect that in the "racing car"." "We were heading for the Italian lakes, but it was time to stop for the night." "and since I'd insisted on coming to Italy," "I'd booked the hotel." "This doesn't look like a very good town." "They're going to shout at me." "Tell me we've stopped here to steal some wheels or something." "It could be worse." "How could this be worse...?" "!" "Is that the motorway?" "Oh, Jeremy, I always wanted to stay in the Italian lakes." "We're staying here tonight." "Well, yes." "So we're carrying on by bicycle tomorrow?" "Because these will be stolen, obviously." "They did say they had a secure car park that nobody could break into" "And I can see exactly what they mean:" "there's absolutely no way that anybody could possibly get into this car park in any way, shape or form." "It's actually very simple." " What were you thinking?" " Do you know my car doesn't have a key or a lock?" "Did they save weight by not fitting locks to it?" "To be continued..." "I know." "I'm sorry." "Sorry." "That hotel had no bar, no restaurant, no air conditioning in the rooms." "No, it was like being in his car." "Which is why we left the crew behind and us three all went nearer to the lakes to find another hotel." "And the lakes are to the North." "Yes." "And which way did you take us?" "North." " East." " East." " Yes..." " You made us drive 200km in the wrong direction." "I did that." "I did do that." "But we found a hotel in the end, and all was well." "You ruined our holiday!" "I did ruin your holiday, and I'm very sorry about that." "We must now move on, because it's time to meet our guest." "Now, the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car tonight once said that she and her husband set their alarm clock an hour early every morning so they had chance to make love before going to work." "Much like James May, although of course he lives alone." "Ladies and gentlemen, star of everything that matters:" "Dame Helen Mirren!" "I can rest now." "Have a seat." "I can't tell you how excited I am to have you here." "No, I really, genuinely mean it. talks to you about The Queen, obviously" "Prime Suspect as well..." "But you were in The Long Good Friday." "Yes, I was." "Now, this to me, I don't know if anybody would agree with this, is just the greatest film of all time..." "You know, three quarters have never heard of The Long Good Friday." " Have you heard...?" "Yes?" " they're far too young." "This audience you see," " Yeah?" " Well edu... well... well educated." "They have heard of it." "But you live in LA,  I've been trying to clear this up, now?" "No, I live in Woping, actually." "You live in Woping?" "You've got a house in Los Angeles..." "My husband's American so we obviously spend a lot of time there." " Is it normal over there?" " In that car culture, you know." " Is it what, there?" " Normal." "In Los Angeles." "No, it's weird." "It's LA." "I'd have thought you'd love it 'cos people live in their cars and they do everything in their cars." "Now, your autobiography." "I've actually read it and liked it." "No!" "Really?" "Yeah, I have." "And what's more I got to one chapter where I went a bit white when you say" " that when you were living in Parsons Green," "Yes, I did..." " and I think I know what you're going over..." " this is in Fulham in South West London." "You, what is it?" "you became disillusioned with British society because of all the young hoorays living round there," " throwing bread rolls." " Yes." "I..." "That was me." "I did live in Parsons Green." " You didn't?" " And I may..." " I did..." " And did you throw food?" "Yes." "I used to order it for its aerodynamic efficiency." "You're one of those ghastly, ghastly guys... ohmygod!" "that drove me out of England." "Didn't you also say somewhere just the other day that I was reading, that I remind you of Paris Hilton?" "Yes, I said you were like her, certainly, yes, I did." "I wake up every morning and go, "Paris...?"" " "Oh, no, I'm not."" " The thing is," "Jeremy, you are uber-male." "and Paris is uber-female." "I think that you're both... you're the two sides of the same coin." "I don't put pictures of myself naked on the Internet." "That's one thing I don't do" "Maybe I'll give it a whirl." "Neither did she, to her credit, if someone else did it." "Here's a tip, Paris, if you're watching:" "Have sex without a camera." "Now, anyway, let's move on to motoring if we may." "I don't think we're gonna agree on much here, actually," "Because you're not really a big car fan." "No, my first car was a disaster." "It was an MG Midget." "Those little white things." "My brother sold it to me." "The engine blew up within two days." "Didn't you have a Golf GTI?" "Yes, I did." "I did." "That came to a sticky end," " my poor old Golf GTI." " Why?" "What happened to it?" "I was doing theatre in... at the Old... no, the Young Vic, excuse me, in Waterloo, and I'd just cleared out my closet and I had all this stuff to take to the charity shop." "And then I thought, well... you know... there were no charity shops, I didn't have the time,... and I knew everyone said: keep your car locked around here because things get nicked out of the car." "So I thought, "Perfect." "I'll leave my stuff in the car," "I'll leave the car open and it'll all get nicked."" "Well, instead of the stuff getting nicked, my car got torched." " No!" " Yeah..." "I came out and it was like this hulk." "So what have you got now?" "I don't have a car now." "Have you got an Oyster Card, then?" "Yes, I do, yeah." "What is one?" "It's a brilliant thing." "It's this little thing and when you go on public transport... which are like buses and tubes and trains, you have this little card and you swipe it and pop!" "you're on." "Why wouldn't you go in a car though?" "And there's a chauffeur driving the bus, you know, in a uniform." "And the tramp sitting next to you, vomiting on you." "Let's talk about supercars briefly." "What's a supercar?" "Ferraris, Lamborghinis,... where are you on those?" "What do you think of a... you know, a... a middle-aged chap in a Lambo?" "Well, I think I..." "I just think most guys who... drive them..." "When I see them I go," ""Dickhead...", you know." "Oh..." "Sorry." "Probably should have said "Pillock"." "Richard Hammond's got one." "No, he hasn't, has he?" "He has." "He's not a..." "He's not a pillock, he's a nice guy." "So I'm sorry, Richard." "Is he?" " Yes." " I thought he was a pillock." "So, OK, the lap, obviously." "Was it fun?" "I don't know if fun is the right word." "It was... terrifying, it was nerve-wracking, it was adrenaline-pumping..." "My hands were shaking like this at the end." "It was sweat-making." "It was..." "It was fabulous." " You did like it?" " It was fabulous." "Oh, that, I was thinking..." "Shall we have a look at it?" "Yeah." "Right." "Sorry about the television, but here we go, it's like being in the '60s." "That's an aggressive start." "Later, hard, hold..." "Later... hard..." "You doing the shipping forecasting, there?" "Douglas," "Dogger," "Hurd." "Later..." "Hard!" "Faroe..." "What is that?" " Is that what The Stig told you to do?" " He did." "Did he tell you to do that?" "Slower, harder..." "Slow into the corners... and then fast out!" "It's slow..." " now go!" " now go!" "No!" "You, idiot!" "My language was a lot bluer than that." "Oh, yes." "Here we go, now we're coming up to..." " the Follow..." " It's such a silly-looking little car." "Did you like it?" "No." "No." "It's awful, isn't it?" "Oh, yes!" "I liked that bit there." "I liked cutting the corner there." "Now we're really picking up speed." "That's the wrong gear." "Oh, Was it?" "Is that fourth?" "That was third, it was going ddd-rrr." "This is really picking up speed now." "This is Michael Gambon's Corner." "Where we nearly lost him." "And round there." "And there we are, ladies and gentlemen, across the line." "So..." "Miraculously undamaged in the fire, is our board." "You had a fire?" "Channel Five set fire to everything we own." "Honestly, they did." "That's why we're on rubbish furniture, I apologise..." "But anyway, this survived and where do you think you've come there?" "If this is the thespian zone..." "Yes." "Am I in the thespian zone?" "Yes." "Ray Winstone, Kristin Scott Thomas..." "Yes..." "Rick Wakeman is not a thesp..." " He is actually." " Yeah." "And then Brian Cox" " and Jimmy Carr, who's a comedian." " I have no idea." "Ready?" "Yes." "One... 50..." "No!" "What do you mean "oh"?" "1.52.8" " which puts you..." " Not bad." "So, how many Oscars have you won?" "One." "One Oscar." "Emmys?" "Four." "Golden Globes?" " Three, I think." " Three..." "And now it turns out you're faster round our track than Rick Wakeman." " Ladies and gentlemen," " What a triumph!" " Dame Helen Mirren." " Thank you." "Right!" "Now..." "Now it is time..." "It is time to do... the Cool Wall!" "Unfortunately..." "Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was... one of the major casualties in our fire but we will persevere..." "Yes we will, and we're gonna kick off with this:" "Yes!" "It's..." "A... is it a Golf?" "No, that's more an Alfa..." " I don't know, that headlamp..." " I think it's an Alfa..." "What do you think that is?" "It's an Audi." "How empty is your life?" "That you were able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph!" "This isn't working!" "This isn't..." "I mean, even if we put them up... it won't be much of..." "It's just ruined, the Cool Wall's ruined..." "Sorry..." "When Vicky Butler-Henderson burnt the... burnt the Cool Wall, she thought she'd flummoxed us." "But it doesn't matter, because we're gonna move on... to something else that isn't..." "James May hasn't been burnt..." "Hooray for that!" "No, actually I'm fine." "So, let's get back to tonight's big film, in which the three of us are attempting to find the best driving road in the world in these three lightweight supercars." "Yes, now, we can't agree which one is the best, only that his Aston is just awful." "To be honest, we couldn't even agree on where we wanted to go." "I wanted to go to Austria, he wanted Switzerland, but when we left the action we were driving hundreds and hundreds of boring motorway miles because Jeremy said that the Italian Lakes would be brilliant." "Look at it." "Lake Maggiore is just fantastic." "And as for the roads..." "I sat for a day on a motorway, in an oven essentially, for this." "This road is rubbish." "The traffic, coupled with the hotel fiasco the night before, had put the chaps in quite a bad mood." "We've come all the way here in these cars and you BLEEP it up because you're a BLEEP feeble-minded BLEEP." " Utter, utter BLEEP!" " I think..." "BLEEP!" "BLEEP useless." "Look at the colour of that water." "That's beautiful!" "Why did you think this would be good, you big daft BLEEP?" "Trust me." "Italy is the place." " SHUT UP!" " It's the home of... the fast car." "Why do we boter?" "We should have just come here on a BLEEP bus." "There is a speed bump on the road." "Oh, that's the final straw." "Oh, I'm exploring the limits of grip here..." "Essentially, he's brought us up somebody's driveway." "Realising that I'd mucked things up a bit," "I suggested we try the other side of the lake, which meant catching a ferry." "What we're experiencing is the world's greatest driving forest." "Where do you want to go?" "Switzerland, because it was built..." " Switzerland is rubbish." " Laws, laws..." "Do you want to wash your car when you get to Switzerland?" "Because you can't by law." " You wanna up the brake horsepower of your car?" "Not allowed." " No, I'll leave it as it is." "Tiny, tiny bit of speeding?" "Prison." "Trust me," "Switzerland is the wrong country." "Eventually, we arrived at the other side." "So let's get the air conditioning on." "17 degrees?" "I'm going to have it about that, yes." "Yeah, I'm going to have 17, it's getting..." "It's half 12 and it's getting really getting hot." "In order for the ferry to unload," "James had to disembark first." "Hang on a minute, blokes, something's not quite right." "What's the matter?" " It's broken?" " Dunno." "Has it got fuel in it?" "Yeah, it's got loads of fuel." "Despite the horns," "James wouldn't rush his pre-flight checks." "Master switch, ignition, pump, pump..." "That's off..." "Very, very fast." "At least it's light." "Jeremy, we're keeping everybody on the... on the boat now." "The lady's shouting." " Sorry." " Scusi." "Sorry." "Sorry." "I can't get through there!" "Back up!" "Your country that makes supercars, you can't honk when somebody actually goes and buys one." "That is the correct position, because that's on, and the panel is on, the ignition is down, I've got everything else off..." "Do you wanna get..." "I don't know..." " That's the hottest thing in the world!" " Bugger!" "The fuel..." "With the idiot's car now working, we found the road on the other side of the lake was a boring duel carriageway." "Still, there was one good thing:" "we were heading north to where I'd wanted to go in the first place:" "Switzerland." "Please let us find something good." "..We did." "This is the San Bernardino Pass." "I think a boot-full would be appropriate Yep." "The Swiss will look on these three cars as though the anti-Christ has come to their little world." "But I didn't care." "The hills are alive to the sound of horsepower!" "Meanwhile, in the Aston..." "The San Bernardino Pass was something else." "The views, the smoothness of the road surface, the elegance of the road itself." "But Richard wasn't finished, and insisted we kept heading north." "I wonder where he's taking us." "Wow!" "Liechtenstein!" "The only thing I know about Liechtenstein is that they make more false teeth here than anywhere else in the world... which is probably why Hammond has brought us here." "What I do is hope it contains a brilliant road, and I've a good feeling about this place." "And so, outside the... museum," "I pulled over to consult our map." "You see, we want bends." "That stretch looks..." "Liechtenstein was the last country in Europe to give women the vote." "It was in 1984." "That is in Liechtenstein, isn't it?" "If the entire population of Liechtenstein went to the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, there'd be 39,500 empty seats." "Yeah, but, back to the road." "If we carry on up here, this bit wiggles." "look at those turns." "You know this is a tax haven?" "It's got more companies here than people." "That is a killer stretch of road." "That's a beauty..." "Shall we try each other's cars for this bit?" "What?" "Why don't we try each other's cars...?" "No, I really like this one, mate." "Do you want to go in this?" "No." "Right, so this, theoretically, is the start of the greatest driving road in the world." "I fear I may have made a slight mistake here." "He had." "There was a cycle race on and his brilliant road was closed." "Are we allowed to drive on it?" " No." " No." "It's shut!" "It is a bit, yeah..." "You drag me all the way to Liechtenstein, to go on a road... that's shut!" "A bit." "Completely..." "Where do you wanna go now?" " Austria." " Oh, God." "You go to Austria, we can't smell your pits from there." "I'm going back to Italy." "Reluctantly, the others agreed to come with me." "So we headed back through Switzerland stopping off for the night at the ski resort of Davos." "It had been a bad day." "We'd been through three countries and only found one good bit of road." "So Richard and I decided to vandalise James's Aston." "Half of me wants him to see it, half of me wants him to drive all day with it on." "He'll never notice." "He's got Jones' eyes, he doesn't notice anything." "He's not coming, is he?" "K, that's Kevin." "That sounds like a racing driver's name." "I've just bought us a drink." "The next morning, we headed south, out of Davos." "And couldn't quite believe what we'd stumbled on." "Mile after mile of deserted perfection." "Even Jeremy had to concede" "I was right about Switzerland." "This is absolute heaven." "Aw, this is much more like it." "What was God thinking of when he gave the Swiss this place?" "Plainly it should be ours." "This road was a test of brakes, steering, grip, power and handling." "An ideal place, then, to reflect on the cars we'd brought on our motoring holiday." "Everything about this car now has come alive." "It's suddenly in its element." "This thing just tracks so perfectly." "Meanwhile, in the Aston..." "I wonder how much of this I have to endure before I can admit that this is a terrible car and that I hate it and I want to go home?" "It's actually a physically pleasurable sensation that runs up your arm when you turn the wheel." "It's,  it's uncanny." "Jeremy Clarkson today married a Lamborghini and moved to Switzerland." "And then it hit me..." "I was in a Lamborghini, in the Alps." "All I need is a pair of sunglasses and some Matt Monro." "Ooh, no, hang on a minute." "We'd all pretty much decided that we'd found driving heaven... well, two of us had." "But then, after we popped over the border and back into Italy, we found a cherry for the top of our cake." "The Stelvio Pass." "15 miles of asphalt spaghetti draped on an Alp." "It was stunning." "Shall we do it?" "Here we go." "The drops!" "It's impossible." "If you went over the edge here you'd have time to phone the insurance!" "There's no other way of saying it:" "This is a magnificent piece of road building." "Not like PlayStation, this:" "you can't just press the reset button when you get it wrong." "You just go through the Pearly Gates... on fire!" "I hate to admit this, but this Aston is starting to make a certain amount of good sense." "Even the brakes have stopped squeaking!" "Climbing up now past 8,000 feet." "I think, at this altitude, the Lambo has all the advantage." "I'll solve that, though, with some bravery." "This is hard work." "If I had no air conditioning, I'd look ridiculous now." "What an extraordinary road!" "Thank you, Italy." "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "We finished our run." "And, as the cars ticked themselves cool, we knew their work was done." "Our quest was at an end." "Davos to Stelvio:" "the greatest driving road in the world." "So, there you are." "If... if you're thinking of going on holiday next year, forget the Center Parcs, just go there!" "Yes!" "Now, the cars." "So..." "James?" "No!" "Just no on every level." "Richard?" "I thought the Porsche was fantastic." "I loved it." "But the thing for me about that car, the main problem is, I still don't see why it's 15 grand more for the RS version than the ordinary GT3." "I have to say the same on the Lambo:" "I can't believe that I wouldn't have had as much fun in a normal Gallardo." "the other thing is, well... if you're going to do a special edition Lamborghini, don't take stuff off, put stuff on, like space thrusters and machine guns!" "That's what Lamborghinis are about." "So, hang on, we took three cars on holiday and they were all wrong." "Yes, we're back in business!" "Yeah, Top Gear: ambitious," " but rubbish!" " That's us." "And there'll be more of that next week!" "See you then, good night!"