"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Billy gardell." "Well, hello." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Welcome to the improv comedy club here in schaumburg," "Illinois." "And to another taping of road dogs." "This is a show that just showcases veteran comics, 15 years or better." "You're gonna see three handpicked comics by myself." "They're gonna kill it for you tonight." "Do me a favor." "Give them a round of applause, let them know you're out here for them tonight, okay?" "All right." "I am happy to be back in the" "I am happy to be back in the midwest and see some normal looking people." "Man, out in L.A. every grown man weighs 85 pounds and wears a medium t-shirt." "I wouldn't wash my fucking truck with a medium t-shirt, all right?" "All the women have so much plastic surgery they just walk around looking surprised all day." ""Hey how's it going?" "Good to see you." "I just ate my sandwich."" "Did everybody Twitter that we're here?" "You got to Twitter that we're here, okay?" "Got to, got to..." "I swear to god if I had a Twitter account I if I had a Twitter account I would break my thumbs typing," ""I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck."" "Just be here and enjoy yourself, okay?" "I just got back from a vacation with my family, which was great." "I tell you my kid is living a charmed life because of my job." "I'm... he's a ha... it's a..." "I'm raising a house cat." "That kid has no claws on him at all, I'm telling you." "It's unbelievable." "Everywhere we go on vacation," "I look at him and I'm like..." "I get mad at him." "He's been to the Bahamas." "He's been to las Vegas." "We went to Disney, they gave us a private tour." "A private tour." "I never had vacations." "When I was a kid, my dad and my uncle Jimmy would get drunk, drive us up to lake erie and put a cherry bomb in a tree stump." "That-that's what we did." "We'd get sunburned and go home, call it a fucking day." "That was the end of it." "This kid's walking through" "Disney like the palace." "And let me tell you something, by the way, just as a father." "Mickey mouse is a gangster." "That's a straight ga..." "Let me tell you something." "You know when you pull into the park and you hear, "welcome to the magic kingdom."" "You know what he's really saying?" ""Get your wallets out, motherfuckers." "I'm gonna soak you dry."" "I'm gonna soak you dry."" "That's a straight gangster." "He ain't messing around." "It's funny, man, we got..." "You know, we get those perks 'cause I'm on the show, you know." "So we get a guide, we get to go to the front of the lines, and all that shit." "That's the upside of being a famous dad." "Here's the downside." "You can't just have a meltdown like a normal dad in the park." "'Cause everybody's got a phone." "And my son knows this." "So every time I ramp up, he's so every time I ramp up, he's like, "ah, ah, ah, old man, I got three letters for you, tmz, all right?" ""Why don't you get over there and buy me one of them blinking hats, like I told you to."" "It's so funny, man." "I just..." "I worry about his childhood." "I'm trying to balance it." "I want him to be a normal kid, too, you know." "And I work on that, too." "I'm from Pittsburgh." "That's the midwest as well." "Try to keep those values in my house, you know." "I just want him to be a kid and not have to download his childhood." "Childhood." "You think that's too much to ask?" "God, the buttons!" "All they do is stare at the screen." "My... my kid is... he's ten, and he's playing with his buddies." "They play this game on-online called minecraft." "Any parents know what I'm talking about?" "They're digging in fake dirt." "I almost had a fucking stroke when they explained it to me." "I said, "I work 43 years to get a house." "Get out in that yard and break a fucking water line like" ""a good kid." "What's the matter with you?" "You digging in fake dirt?" "You digging in fake dirt?" "I'll kick your ass."" "It's amazing to me how quick they get it though, man." "They just pick something up and they know how to do it, right?" "Like he works my phone better than I do." "It's embarrassing." "I'm always like, "fix that for daddy."" "And he's like, "why?"" "I go, "'cause if you don't I'm gonna back over it with my fucking car, so please..."" "But amazing, they just get it." "He's nine." "Or he's ten now." "He just turned ten, but at nine, he could just pick shit up." "When I was nine, me and my buddies were taking a piece of paper folding it into a diamond and going, "okay, pick a color." "B-I-u-e."" "B-I-u-e."" "You flip it open, you go," ""what's it say?"" ""You're a dick, ha!" "Got to go to class."" "And it's hard as a parent 'cause you want him to play the video game so he can keep up with his buddies at school, right?" "You don't want him to be that weird kid at the lunch table shooting marbles going," ""my dad says this is a video game."" "You know." "There's a middle ground." "I'm just trying to get him to it, you know what I mean?" "I taught him how to ride a bike this year." "This year." "I'm very proud of that, man." "He's on his bike now." "See, it's funny." "There's certain things that dads are supposed to do." "Certain things moms are supposed to do." "See, we're not all the same like they try to tell you in those fucking books." "Because at some point daddy has to come in and go, "we're not going home till you fucking do this."" "You can't get mommy involved in bike riding." "Now, here she-she went with us on the first day, I said..." "She goes, "I'm just gonna get him ready."" "He comes out, looks like he's going to Afghanistan." "He's got a helmet, a flack jacket, elbow pads." "Jacket, elbow pads." "I had to pull her out." "I said, "let me handle this one."" "See, but you got to know your roles, right?" "Daddies get the gift of negotiation, right?" "Mommy gets the gift of healing." "Like only a mother can touch her child and instantly calm it down." "Daddies don't have that gift." "You ever see a father with a kid that's flipping out?" "We're real sensitive." ""You need to pull your shit together right now!"" "We're just supposed to do what we're supposed to do." "You know what I mean?" "You know what I mean?" "I thought I was gonna be the fun parent." "That's not how it turned out, man." "All he has to do is ask her something." ""Mommy can we...?"" ""Sure, honey, let's get in the truck and go make a memory."" "My dad's answer was the same anywhere you wanted to go." ""They're closed."" ""I see people in there."" ""They're cleaning." "Shut up."" "But sometimes dad's the but sometimes dad's the negotiator right?" "We were down at the in-laws." "That's-that's when mom calls us in on third and one, right?" "That's a dad's job." "Move the chains." "That's it." "Otherwise we're supposed to be on the bench and shut up." "They call us in when they're tired." "We're down in my in-laws." "He wants to sleep in a back room on a bunk bed." "There's a paddle fan right next to the top bunk." "She's in there for 45 minutes." ""You can't sleep here." "It's a foreign place." "You don't know where you're at." ""And, well, you don't have your normal light and your radio's not here and you don't know" ""where the bathroom is and what if you get up and you don't..." "And you're all scared?"" "Finally I get my number called." "Finally I get my number called." ""Gardell, get in there!"" "I ran in." "Got right in his face." "I go, "that fan'll cut you into a million pieces." "Good night."" "First down!" "It's so funny, man." "My son has... you know, he lives in this world today and I try to keep him in the old school." "You know, one foot in, one foot out." "He has play dates." "I hate that word." "And we have to have them now because they're so many wackos running around." "You got to schedule, you know, you got to schedule, you know, your kids fun and make sure the parents aren't fucking nuts." "Right?" ""He has a play date Friday at 4:00." "It'll be from 4:00 to 6:00, so eat a snack."" "We didn't have a play date." "My dad would come in the house." "There'd be four of us." "He'd go, "get the fuck out of the house!"" "Right?" "And you left for four hours." "Nobody knew where you were." "You sat there with three of your buddies and a book of matches looking for shit to burn." "Looking for shit to burn." "I'll get your attention, old man, if that's what you're looking for." "Like I said, my wife doesn't let me do a lot of the parenting, you know." "She's way more progressive than" "I am, you know?" "She's always protective." "She's a little overprotective, too." "She, like, everywhere we go with him she has those antibacterial wipes." "She's always... she's walking around like Dustin Hoffman in outbreak with that outfit on." "She's-she's always wiping shit." "I got to wipe this off." "Heard about a virus coming here from Germany." "It's gonna kill all of us it's gonna kill all of us at any minute." "I'm like, "we're at McDonald's." "We're not even eating real meat." "What the fuck are you wiping down?"" "And then we get into it." ""What do you mean it's not real meat?"" "Over a billion served." "There aren't that many cows." "Do the fucking math!" "See, I think that's why kids are all sick now, right?" "They don't eat any germs." "They don't play in the dirt." "So when it hits them, it knocks them down." "And by the way, while we're on the topic, if you're a grown man using hand sanitizer, put a using hand sanitizer, put a dress on and get it over with." "I'm done talking to you, too." "Okay?" "I-I can't talk to another man while he's doing this." ""Uh-huh, yeah."" "Hand sanitizer." "You can be at a ball game with my dad, drop a sandwich in the dirt." "He'd go, "what are you doing?" "Pick it up." "Come on, first two bites," ""you're crunchy, you're good the rest of the way." "That's 3.50." ""Oh, you want me to disinfect it?" "Give me it." ""Here, shut the fuck up." "Watch the game." "Watch the game." "Be happy you're here."" "My wife reads that parent magazine." "Which to me is written by two hippies in New York getting high talking about what it be like if they had kids." "That's fiction, right?" "But she'll read something and then feel the need to call me like it's breaking news." ""I just read an article about sugar." "You can't feed him sugar" ""after 3:00." "You'll wreck his metabolism."" "Well, as you could see my parents didn't give two fucks parents didn't give two fucks about my metabolism." "You know what they cared about?" "Silence." "That's what they cared about." ""Here, eat sugar." "Right out of the pack." "Just shut the fuck up." ""Sit there and vibrate." "I don't want to hear a goddamn thing."" "I just nod at my wife." "I'm a little afraid of her." "That's how you know you got the right one." "You're a little scared." "I don't want my wife questioning me." "Me." "She could break a terrorist." "My wife starts with questions," "I'm fucked man." "I'm telling her." "You get a couple al-qae..." "Al-qaeda in a room with her, she'll come up..." ""Fuck, I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to say." "I feel so bad about myself." ""And I'm ashamed." "The Van is two blocks away." "The code is 555." "Make her fucking stop."" "I'm telling you, I'm scared man." "My wife comes home." "I hear that noise from" "I hear that noise from law and order-- gong, gong!" "I didn't do shit." "I ate a salad." "I took a walk." "You look pretty." "Is there a story you want to tell me?" "I don't believe in medicating my child unless he's sick, too, you know?" "Don't over medicate." "I don't think we're that sick." "And I don't believe in psychotropic drugs unless it's an extreme case." "You know, like L.A., they love to give those prescriptions out because they don't want to be parents." "They don't want to hurt their kids' feelings." ""I don't want to hurt his" ""I don't want to hurt his feelings."" "Well, you're gonna raise a real fucking douchebag then." "I don't know how else to tell you this." "That's their thing." "Oh, get him right?" ""Oh, he had a.D.D." "We had to get him right on ritalin."" "You know how my dad got rid of a.D.D... a.D.D.?" "He'd get an inch from your face." "He'd go, "pay attention!"" "Oh, shit!" "I'm cool, bro." "I'm cool, I'm cool, it uh... it got away from me but I'm back, brother." "I'm eyes on board." "I'm-I'm ready to go." "Now, don't get me wrong, there are extreme cases." "Some kids do need that medicine." "I get it." "I'm just saying make" "I'm just saying make sure it's real, you know what I mean?" "Like, if your kid is having thoughts like, "I'm gonna cut open a cat and wear it like a hat."" "He needs fuckin' medicine." "But short of that, let's suck it up a little bit, you know what" "I mean?" "And we're not a good example as adults." "We're taking too many pills, too." "Look, I'm not a smart guy." "I drove by a college once." "That's it." "But I'm not buying into this horse shit about how sick we are." "The medical community, it's just big money." "If they had their way, they'd just be feeding us a pill for everything we do." "Everything we do." "Here's a pill to eat." "Here's a pill to shit." "Here's a pill to fuck." "Here's a pill to sleep." "Here's a pill that'll offset the eat, sleep, shit and fuck pill." "Here, eat your pills." "What's the matter?" "You don't like your job?" "Here's a little blue pill and a picture of two dicks in a canoe with the word "teamwork" under it." "Get back to fuckin' work." "The generation that came before us should spit in our face." "They fought two world wars." "The industrial revolution." "The Panama canal." "The great depression." "We need some pills 'cause somebody hurt our feelings." "Are you shittin' me?" "You think those guys that were riding them private Ryan boats to their deaths stopped in the middle and went, "I feel so anxious about what we're doing right now."" "They're just making shit up." "We're not that sick, right?" "The medicine commercials get more vague every year." "Pretty soon that guy's just gonna come on and go, "have you ever woken up?"" "Ever woken up?"" "Aw, shit, that happened to me this morning." "That, that..." "It's fake." "My favorite new one is shaky leg disease." ""Oh, I got shaky leg disease!"" "Well, quit drinking vodka and red bull, you dick." "How hard is that to figure out?" "Huh?" "Sit there and suffer quietly like a good irishman." "I want my child to believe in god." "I don't know when that became uncool." "I've never had balls that big." "I've never had balls that big." "I've always believed just in case." "You know what I mean?" "I'm a just-in-case guy." "Put five on that for me, just see what happens." "You know." "See, the older I get, the more I believe in god, the less I believe in religion." "Religion is where all the trouble starts." "My story's better than your story." "No, it's not." "Yes, it is." "No, it's not." "Yes, it is." "No, it's not." "Yes, it is." "Boom!" "That doesn't sound very spiritual, does it?" "There are 80,000 religions in the world." "You know what that means?" "Somebody's gonna be wrong." "Might be a lot of us sitting in hell one night going, "who'd hell one night going, "who'd you think it was?"" "That's my time." "Thank you very much." "All right!" "All right!" "I am so happy you're here." "You're gonna love these comedians." "They're hand-picked by me." "You've always been the guy that-that fought injustice." "You love to go after the unjust." "And there's always..." "Which I love." "I'm not smart enough to write that way." "Well, but that..." "I do family stuff." "No, but you-you-you knock yourself." "I do dirty family stuff." "But that's not true." "But that's not true." "That is true." "It-it..." "See, he's arguing." "And you do some..." "You do some..." "He's arguing with me about who I am." "And-and-and you have a, uh, conscience too." "'Cause I remember you doing one joke and my wife had a problem with it and she told you her problem with it, and you stopped doing the joke and I was like..." "I had to tell her, "stop fucking talking to Billy." "This is bullshit, you-you're gonna ruin everything."" "But she made a great point." "She made a great point." "Yeah, well, what great point?" "She made a great point." "You know, sometimes it's... it's all right." "See, this is what" "I've learned and you haven't." "I've learned and you haven't." "It's alright to have a little violence in a joke." "Sometimes other people are right." "Eh, I don't know." "I don't agree with her." "This next gentleman" "I've been friends with for 15 years and had some of the greatest arguments in my life with this guy." "I love him to death and he's, uh, he-he was, he was airborne infantry." "Yeah, oo-rah!" "So it just makes sense to become a fucking comedian when you get outta there." "Please welcome my good buddy," "Mr. Danny bevins!" "Thank you very much." "Keep it going for Billy gardell right there." "Of course." "All right, so, uh, here's the thing, right?" "I have a..." "I have a wife." "I'm married." "And uh, not long ago my wife looked me right in the eye and she said, uh, "I want to have a baby."" "So I said, "I want a Jeep."" "'Cause I thought we were just yelling out shit from our bucket lists, you know?" "And it turns out that we were in and it turns out that we were in a discussion and I didn't even fucking know." "You know what I mean?" "I was just..." "We were having a dialogue about having a baby and I didn't know that because my family doesn't do that." "I was the first one in my family to talk about having a baby before having one." "'Cause in my family it normally goes like this, "I'm pregnant."" ""Shit!"" "Right?" "And then they break out the bourbon, there's some crying and then everyone starts saving up for bail money." "You know what I mean?" "But we were discussing having a baby, so we were discussing the baby, so we were discussing the pros and cons." "And here's the thing, uh..." "You don't know the cons of having a baby until you have a baby, okay?" "That's when you go, "oh, shit!" "I didn't even think of that." "We gotta watch him all the time, seriously?" "I-I know, I thought we'd put the phone next to it, I figured there was an app for it." "I mean I just gotta take a piss."" "You know what I mean?" "It was crazy, right?" "We had... we had the discussion of having a baby and it's great when you have that discussion when you have that discussion 'cause you both get to act like true democrats." "You just look at each other and go, "we can't afford it, but we deserve it and it's the right thing to do."" "You know what I mean?" "Right?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Feels good." "And now..." "Now we're starting to..." "Here's the weird thing." "Now that we have a kid, we're starting to-to act like" "Republicans, right?" "It's strange, right?" "You just... 'Cause you have a kid, you start looking around at people and going, "hey!" "Quit having fuckin' fun, all right?" "I have a child over here." "I have a child over here." "You need to knock that shit off."" "So we have one." "She wanted me in the delivery room." "Yeah, she wanted me in..." "I didn't know why at first, then" "I realize she's showing off." "Right?" ""Yeah, look what mine can do, it makes people."" "Right?" ""Yours just makes a mess."" "You know?" "So I got to witness the birth of my child." "I don't recommend it." "I don't recommend it." "That's not a spectator sport." "It's like watching a mack truck run over your favorite toy." "Ah, ah, no." "No, no, no, no, no." "No, no, no, no, no." "No, no, I was gonna use that again." "Nah, nah, come on." "Come on, that's just rude." "That's why you should film the birth." "Birth." "Yeah." "Film the birth." "Not because it's the miracle of life, or it's the first glimpse of your baby." "Fuck that hippie shit." "You film the birth because, uh..." "And you keep that video, because at some point your baby is gonna become a child." "And at some point, your child is gonna look you right in the eye and go, "you ruin everything!"" "And then you're gonna go, "oh." "Oh, really?" "Come here." "Let me show you something." "Check this out." "Yeah." "Oh." "Look at that, look at that." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah, you see that?" "You see that?" "You see that?" "Yeah, yeah." "I didn't even know you then." "You understand?" "So I-i think I've been a pretty good parent, considering what you did!"" "Horrible." "So my wife was in labor for 36 hours." "Yeah, there's a number you gotta get correct, right?" "Yeah." "You say that wrong, they will..." "They will correct you in a..." ""Oh no, no, no, it was 36 hours."" "Yeah, well, I think that last 12 yeah, well, I think that last 12 was after the epidural, so I believe that number's got an asterisk next to it, okay?" "That's not fair at all." "You ever see a woman give birth?" "Oh, my god, it's heroic to watch." "It's heroic." "It's amazing that they do that." "And then when they have the baby, like, I thought they were gonna give it to her and she was gonna have it for a while." "Like I could take a movie or something." "But they give it to the, uh, mother, but only for like a second." "They call it skin to skin contact." "They literally lay the baby on the mother like they're laying a tie on a shirt to see if it tie on a shirt to see if it matches." "And then they just rip it away." "They take it, clean it up, bundle it up, hand it to me." "I'm walking around showing it off, like I did something." "I didn't do shit!" "You understand me?" "I felt like Trent dilfer when they handed him his super bowl ring." "I'm like, I don't deserve this but I'm not giving it back." "So now we got a two-year-old." "So now we got a two-year-old." "He's two." "Two-year-old is running around my house." "And having a two-year-old is like having a drunk asshole roommate." "That's what it is." "Right?" "'Cause they're-they're laughing hysterically and then all of a sudden they're sobbing uncontrollably." "And they fall down all the time." "You can't understand a word they say." "They're screaming and just trashing rooms." "I'm like, "dude, you need to get your shit together or we're gonna have an intervention." "You understand?"" "So my, uh, my family's from" "Kentucky." "Uh-huh." "Thank you, thank you." "Little town in Kentucky called" "Jenkins, Kentucky." "Uh, you may not have heard of it." "Don't worry, they're stockpiling food and weapons." "You'll hear from them soon." "Good people, hillbillies." "Yeah." "No incest in my family." "Yeah, yeah." "None!" "And I know that, 'cause I tried." "I did, I did." "Look, I gotta couple cousins look, I gotta couple cousins that are hot enough it's worth a little extra forehead." "Okay?" "I'm not gonna recognize those kids anyway." "Buy 'em a hat." "Right?" "That joke's for him." "No incest in my family." "But I do have a cousin who's almost mentally handicapped." "Almost." "In order to be mentally handicapped, you have to score" "69 or lower on the IQ test." "69 or lower on the IQ test." "He scored a 70." "So technically he's not mentally handicapped." "He's just fucking stupid, right?" "But if you met him, you'd be like, "oh, my god, is he mentally handicapped?"" "And then we have to go, "no, and we have the paperwork to prove it."" "And he's marrying a woman who scored a 68." "I know, I know I had a friend go, "can they do that?"" ""Yeah, they're mentally handicapped." "They're not gay." "Get your fuckin' law straight."" "It's perfectly legal to do something you don't understand." "This is America!" "That joke's not for everybody, is it?" "Can we be done with that now?" "Can we be done with the gay debate?" "Aren't we over that?" "Haven't we matured past that?" "Haven't we matured past that?" "Haven't we gotten to the point where we realize that someone's sexual orientation doesn't affect us at all and maybe we should just keep our fuckin' business out of it?" "Can't we get to that point?" "No, no, no." "Nope, nope, there's always gotta be one." ""I don't want any gay guys hitting' on me."" "Oh, that happening a lot?" "Is it?" "'Cause if it is, maybe that's not your bar." "Have you thought of that?" "Have you thought of that?" "Yeah." "Maybe you're going on the wrong night." "I'm sure they have karaoke somewhere else." "My favorite one is when people," ""you know, they can't have kids."" "Yeah, that seems like yeah, that seems like a good idea." "Doesn't it?" "Doesn't it seem like something that, I don't know..." "You believe in god, right?" "So doesn't it seem like, uh, that they can't have kids, that that would be some sort of intelligent design?" "Sort of a population control device slipped into the system?" "Like a governor for the fuck machine." "You know what I mean?" "Just tired of it, man." "I'm tired of it." "Let it go." "I'm tired of it." "Let it go." "Tired of it." "I've even had people come up to and go, "you know what your problem is?" "You think it's natural." "It's not natural." "I bet you believe gay people are born gay."" "I do, I do." "I believe gay people are born gay." "I believe that, 'cause if I didn't believe that, then I'd have to believe that I could be talked into it." "And I don't fucking think that's possible." "I don't care what sort of mad sales skills you have..." "Shamwow presentation you're shamwow presentation you're breaking down..." "Free gifts you're giving away." "I'm a "no."" "You got a bad lead." "I don't know what to tell you." "But people think gay, it's bizarre and deviant." "That's not bizarre and deviant." "Heterosexuals, what we do." "Some of the shit that we do, that's fucking bizarre and deviant." "Google "sex" and just see all the crazy shit that people come up with." "Bondage?" "Have you seen these idiots tied up?" ""Just, I can't, I can't come unless I look like a fucking pig just tied to a stake."" "Just go..." "With a big ball gag in their mouth?" "What the fuck are you putting a ball...?" "And it's a woman." "They put it in a woman's mouth to have sex with them." "Not to just stand there and, you know, go shh and tease the shit out of 'em, right?" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Just..." "A ball gag!" "Like, when did you get to like, when did you get to a ball gag?" "What sort of fetch fetish is that?" "Like, you watched a handball game and got carried away?" ""Oh, yeah, yeah."" "What the fuck...?" "Who came up with the ball gag?" "Forget it." "I'll ask Billy." "He'll tell me." "He knows everything." "He knows everything." "Ball gags." "Here's another one." "Here's one that people do." "They like to be peed on." "Wha-wha-wha?" "What fucking happened to you as a kid?" "Yeah." "You know, "pee on me!" "It's the only way I can get off!" "Pee on me." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "I wish my daddy had loved me."" "Anyway..." "And that's some of the crazy stuff." "But even the thoughts that you have." "Like, you think," ""I'm a normal person and I like." ""I'm a normal person and I like to have regular sex." "But you still have fucking thoughts." "I get weird thoughts all the time." "You ever had sex with somebody you hate just so you know what it feels like to choke 'em, right?" "That's not..." "I've never done it, but I had that thought." "I go, like..." "I'm not choking anybody." "I don't even know how you get there." "How-how-how can you be making love and having that much fun and go, "fuck you."" "You know, like, I don't..." "What switch snaps?" "What switch snaps?" "And that's not even, that's not even the worst." "There are women out there," ""I need to be choked."" "You fucking need to be choked?" "Like, to me, it just seems like a woman that's, like, "if this is how bad you're gonna be in bed, just fucking kill me."" "You know what I mean?" "Like, that would make sense, you know?" "I never choked anybody." "I wouldn't, I wouldn't know how to do it." "I don't want to try." "I don't need that." "I've been choked." "I have been choked by a woman" "I have been choked by a woman one time, yeah." "Didn't see that coming, right?" "Right?" "All of a sudden, she's a double agent." "You're, like, "what the fuck?"" "Right?" "She was on top and she started..." "'Cause that's how women choke you." "They have to be on top, right?" "'Cause if they're on the bottom and they're choking you, they're not choking you, they're trying to get away, and you need to stop doing that shit." "Yeah." "But she's on top, and then all of sudden her little hands coming around my neck start squeezing." "I didn't know what to do." "So I just let her do it." "'Cause I figure as long as they they're doing good work in the they're doing good work in the garage, why complain about the customer service?" "I tell you the people" "I feel bad for." "There's some people I don't feel bad for at all." "Like the ones that people say," ""he's bisexual."" "Bullshit." "You're just afraid of being alone, okay?" "Not bisex... bi-curious." "Those are the people that I feel for." "Bi-curious?" "You don't know?" "You're faced with two..." "You're faced with two..." "Like, what?" "You can't choose?" "At an orgy, you'd just be, like," ""I don't know."" "You know what I mean?" "Like..." "But "curious" means that you're probably gonna try." "And what if you in the middle of it decide, "oh, no." "No."" "You know what I mean?" "Like, what?" "If you get..." "You understand, like, the position you could be...?" "If you're a man and you're bent over a kitchen table, and there's a guy behind you, you know, having sex with your butt, right?" "And in the middle of it and in the middle of it you realize, "uh, I made a mistake."" "You know what I mean?" "Like, like..." "You can't tap out of this." "You can't just go," ""uh, excuse me." "I-i was wrong." "I-I was wrong."" "No, that's a guy behind you." "He's gonna be, "you're gonna have to ride this one out, fella."" "Thank you very much." "Good night." "Danny bevins." "Right on." "All right, are you ready for our next road dog?" "All right." "Give me one of your worst road gigs ever." "Mm, probably the." "West Virginia." "What happened in West Virginia?" "Well, I'm not allowed in West Virginia." "I sound like silence of the lambs." "What happened in West Virginia?" "What happened in West Virginia?" "No, I just," "I can't go." "It was the first night of the whole week." "Right." "And there wasn't very many people at the show." "And I thought it would be real funny to say, "where's everybody else?" "Trapped in a mine?"" "Which really..." "While that was going on?" "No, no." "I waited." "Time... pain... time-- funny." "Yeah, it heals all wounds." "You know how the equation works." "I didn't." "I don't think I waited long enough." "I was working in." "St. Louis about eight years ago, and this woman took the stage and absolutely blew me away." "And absolutely blew me away." "She is one of the funniest women out there doing it today." "And I'm honored to have her on this show." "Please welcome the very funny" "Andi Smith!" "Ah... so exciting," "Chicago." "Very fancy." "Very fancy." "A lot of interesting-looking people here." "I saw a guy outside." "He had a bald head, and then he had a bald head, and then he had tattoos all over his face and his bald head." "And then he had piercings in his nose and his neck." "But then he had braces." "That means at some point he looked in the mirror..." "He looked in the mirror..." "And, and he was, like," ""you know what?" "That's just not normal." "I'm gonna have to fix that." "And then I'll be hot."" "I shouldn't judge," "I shouldn't judge." "My boyfriend collects baseball cards." "Baseball cards." "I think that's worse." "Uh-huh, yeah, he's 34 years old and collects baseball cards." "I told my mom he collected baseball cards, and she goes," ""well, at least he doesn't do heroin."" "I was, like, "I don't even know if I find that comforting."" "At least if he did heroin, he might try to keep it a secret." "That'd be nice, right?" "That'd be nice, right?" "One more Willie McGee story and" "I swear to god I'm gonna kill myself." "I can't take it." "I hate baseball." "I can't..." "I don't, I don't understand it." "Fat people can play baseball." "It's not even a real sport." "I don't get it." "I don't understand it." "I don't get it." "Why doesn't every team just play the other team one damn time and get it over with?" "What's this "best out of 27"" "bullshit?" "And he gets all mad when and he gets all mad when his team loses, too." ""Goddamn cards lost again."" "Ruins his whole day." "Can't get anything done." ""Goddamn cards lost."" "Oh, no!" "They only have 114 more tries." "What are we gonna do?" "You're so stupid." "We had a baby." "My boyfriend and I had a baby together." "Yes." "Yeah." "She's 398 days old." "Some parents like to measure their child's age in months." "I've decided to go with days." "Kind of like a hostage situation." "We're trapped in a well or something." "And that's how you're supposed to say, you're supposed to say it like that, too, just so you know." "You're supposed to say," ""we had a baby."" "Uh, that is bullshit." "Uh, that is bullshit." "I had a baby." "Yeah, he smoked pot and tickled himself in the garage for about ten months." "Yeah." "I had a baby." "I was skeptical." "I'm not gonna lie to you, you know?" "I was skeptical." "It's just that motherhood is the only job where if you get it, and you suck at it, you can go to prison." "You can go to prison." "That's a lot to put on somebody, you know?" "It's just a lot of pressure." "And everybody's got advice for you, too." "Oh, they love giving you advice." "Love it." "My favorite was, "are you gonna go all natural?" "You gonna have all natural?" "Taking it all natural?"" "No!" "What is this, a civil war reenactment?" "Bring on the drugs, bitches." "This will not be the first time" "I said no to a pill." "No." "Nope." "I have a friend in San" "Francisco." "She's one of these hippie ladies, right?" "She sits around eating tree bark and tennis shoes." "I don't know what she does, but she's super annoying." "And... and she was like, "Andi," "I've decided I'm gonna have an at-home water birth."" "At-home water birth."" "Okay." "All right." "Okay." "All right." "Uh, first off, guh-Ross!" "Are you gonna move after that?" "Ugh!" "And second, this is a medical procedure!" "You don't just put an inflatable pool in the living room and have at it." "But she's like, "yeah, di, don't but she's like, "yeah, di, don't you want the first time your child meets you to be free of drugs and chemicals?"" "No!" "Look at it this way." "The first time you meet your mother, would you rather she be sweaty and pissed off in an inflatable pool... or heavily medicated and in kind of a good mood?" "Yeah!" "Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "I didn't even smudge my mascara." "You know?" "I look good in all the pictures and stuff, you know." "Changes you, though, you know?" "I'm not gonna lie to you." "I used to be super kick-ass." "Yep." "I used to be super kick-ass." "Used to drink till, like, 4:00 in the morning, you know." "Do all kinds of awesome stuff." "Now I go to bed at, like, 9:30." "Now I go to bed at, like, 9:30." "Yeah, and I really want a charm bracelet." "I do." "I want one really bad." "My boyfriend and I aren't married." "We didn't... we didn't go that route, you know." "All my friends are married." "Some of 'em don't even have kids." "It's like they got married for no reason." "Right?" "I just..." "I just want a super pretty dress and then like a" "$8,000 cake." "$8,000 cake." "And then I want to do a special dance underneath like $25,000 worth of Christmas lights." "You know what you can get instead of a wedding?" "Fuckin' anything!" "Anything you could possibly want." "That's what you can get." "That's, uh..." "I don't know." "I think it's kind of a religious thing." "I just don't see the point, you know?" "I don't know, I just wasn't raised that way." "My mom said we were almost my mom said we were almost mormon." "And then she found out you had to give 'em a percentage of your salary, so she was like, "fuck that idea."" "Right?" "No, not in this house." "We ended up being methodist." "Uh... so we only went to to church if there was some sort of carnival." "Right?" "Right?" "Or a raffle happening, you know." "So, like, we like Jesus..." "As long as there's prizes." "As long as there's prizes." "Yeah, I love the lord." "And my new dirt bike" "I worry about what kind of world" "I brought her into though, you don't think about that, you know?" "So much horrible stuff happening, right?" "Every time you turn on the news." "Horrible." "Tornadoes, hurricanes..." "I read this in the news the other day." "I read this." "I read that girls with breast implants have a much higher rate of suicide." "Rate of suicide." "Yeah." "I don't have a joke for that yet." "That's just really good news." "You know?" "I just want to cheer you up on your big night out." "Well, I worry about that kind of thing, you know." "When..." "I have a daughter now, and it's like I worry about the whole slut culture thing, that message." "Just, like, if you're a woman your whole goal in life is to just get as hot as possible." "That's it." "That's it." "Just get super hot." "And then that's it." "Right?" "Just, that's all you gotta do." "Just get super hot and wait for those checks to start rolling in." "Did you know girls are getting boob jobs for graduation?" "Yeah, they're getting boob jobs for graduation." "Shouldn't that be what you get if you don't graduate?" "Right." ""Oh, I heard you failed math." "Here's a couple of 'd's." "Go follow your dreams."" "Having a baby will affect your relationship." "Oh, that'll do it." "My boyfriend, the other day, was like, "hey." "We really need to start doing it again."" "Oh, stop, you're turning me on." "Oh, stop, you're turning me on." "Stupid." "He's like, "we haven't had sex in nine months."" "Well, you've been a dick for a year and a half, so consider yourself lucky." "I don't care if I never have sex again." "I do not give a shit." "I tried to explain it to him, too." "I was like, "once you have a baby, the thrill of the gamble is gone." "Okay?" "The jig is up." "The jig is up." "The way I see it, I'd been playing Russian roulette for about 20 years, and April 30," "2012, I got shot!" "He's like, "the doctor said six weeks!"" "I was like, "the doctor needs to shut his fuckin' mouth."" "He's like, "well, if we don't start doing it again, I might go look elsewhere."" "Well, then, the search is on, isn't it?" "Ooh, ask her if she'll babysit." "I don't give a good goddamn." "I don't give a good goddamn." "I don't care." "He's like, "how 'bout this, how 'bout this?" "How 'bout, uh.." "How about you just give me like, uh, how about like a handjob or something?"" "Oh, seriously?" "Really?" "Really?" "That's... oh." "I quit doing handjobs when I was 15." "Right?" "You're obviously better at this than I am." "Okay, just..." "That's a do-it-yourselfer." "I don't want to be involved in that." "He's like, "what about, uh, what about this?" "What about a... what about a blowjob or something?"" "Oh, for the love of Christ!" "Jesus!" "Women are lying about blowjobs." "Women are lying about blowjobs." "I was talking to my friend the other day, and I was like, "hey uh, what's good about 'em?" "Why are we still doing 'em?"" "Can't they make, like, a machine for that?" "Well, the way you boys are talking 'em up, I thought it would've been like cotton gin, blowjob machine!" "That would've been the end of it, right?" "Yeah, yeah." "But my friend said..." "But my friend said..." "She said that she didn't really mind giving blowjobs, 'cause she thought it gave her like a certain sense of control." "And I thought about that for a little while, and I was like," ""you know what?" "I admire that." "I admire that." "Mm-hmm."" "Takes a strong woman to find a bright side while getting stabbed in the face with a penis." "It does." "You know?" "I know I have never felt more" "I know I have never felt more powerful than when I'm on my knees and he pats me on the head a little." "Right?" "Right." "Sure, sure." "Yeah, yeah." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Well, you guys know." "You guys know, right?" "Like, as if to say, "I respect your authority."" "Yeah, that's... mm-hmm." "That's... that's probably what they're thinking." "Yeah." "Yeah." "My boyfriend's new big plan is he wants to watch porn." "That's what he wants to do." "Stupid." "You're stupid." "He's like "we need to watch porn."" "I'm like f... "Whatever."" "So the other night we were watching one, though, and the girl takes off her clothes and she's got a nicotine patch on." "What?" "Of all the things you're currently doing, that's what you decided to quit?" "Decided to quit?" "Thank you guys very much." "You're very nice." "Andi Smith, everybody." "All right, all right." "Tremendous, tremendous, tremendous." "All right." "Are you ready for your last road dog of the evening?" "All right." "Pittsburgh was" "Pittsburgh was always great for me." "Well, they get you." "They get that kind of sar..." "Yeah." "...The sardonic sense of humor." "Well, you know, Chicago and Pittsburgh are the only two towns that call people jackoffs." "Jackoffs." "That's right." "Nowhere else in" "America." "You know, one time-- this is, uh, true" " I was working" "Pittsburgh and I'm selling cds, you know, after the show." "Sure, sure." "And so this guy comes up with his girlfriend." "And he goes, "hey, would you sign her boob?"" "So I signed his forehead." "And it's true." "Did he get it?" "Oh, yeah." "He loved it." "Then I'm back, like 6 months later, and I'm telling the story, the joke." "Story, the joke." "And he was there." "He stands up." ""I'm the boob!" "I'm the guy!"" "I could not do this show in Chicago without having this man on the show." "He is perverted." "He is twisted." "Please welcome your uncle lar!" "Thanks, Billy." "How's everybody doing?" "Good." "How many people think I look how many people think I look like niles from frasier?" "Darrin Stephens from bewitched?" "Gollum from lord of the rings?" "I know, that's what people tell me I look like." "The other day someone said I look like grandpa from the munsters." "Apparently, I look like every freak in the whole world." "This lady's really enjoying my freakishness." "Everybody's, uh, drinking?" "Yeah!" "Everybody should drink." "Alcohol is heavily taxed and the money goes to schools." "So drink up." "You're not a drunk, you're an education provider." "Tip from your uncle lar." "You're helping the kids." "You ever get real drunk, can't remember where you parked your car?" "Car?" "And you're already in it?" "Driving around." ""Where did I park?"" "Anybody drinking and driving?" "Don't be pussies." "That's a stupid law." "You can't drink and drive." "How you supposed to get back?" "What are you gonna sleep over what are you gonna sleep over at the improv?" "I think the law should be changed." "I think after 2:00 in the morning sober people should stay the fuck home." "Problem is the drunks are swerving in unison." "Then the sober guy goes straight up the middle and screws it up for everybody else." "Vote for me I get that law changed." "It's good to see everybody out here tonight." "I like to watch people." "I like to watch people." "You ever just watch people?" "That is fun." "Till the police come and make me get out of the bushes." "I saw a heavy lady, really heavy lady wearing the stretch pants." "Yeah, she wasn't showing camel toe." "It was like the whole herd of camel." "It was camel hoofs." "It was a moose knuckle." "I noticed some older pe..." "This is camel toe if you don't know what it is." "This is camel toe." "She had like eight of them." "I didn't eat for a week." "The camel toe diet plan." "It's good to be here." "I fly around a lot." "You know what I was reading they have in some cities now?" "Pet airlines for pets only." "That's a good idea." "They need an airline for every they need an airline for every group of people." "Crying baby airlines." "People who smell like ass airlines." "People who won't shut the hell up sitting next to me airlines." "You ever get the people that don't shut up on the plane?" "I had this one guy." ""I'm not scared of flying." "I'm scared of crashing." "How about you?"" ""I'm scared you're gonna talk to me the whole flight." "To me the whole flight." "I'd rather crash." "And I hope we do it at takeoff." "So I don't got to listen to your dumb ass and then die."" "You ever get the crying baby?" "Trying to sleep, baby's crying." "Soon as we land, baby goes to sleep." "So I woke his ass up." "Mother's like "you're immature."" "I'm like "hey he started this shit."" "Crybaby." "Crybaby." "Here's the worst flight" "I was ever on." "I'm sitting in the window seat." "Lady sits in the middle." "Big lady." "Her lap was in my lap." "She had a crying baby." "She's a born again Christian." "She goes, "have you found" "Jesus?"" ""Apparently not, cause I'm in hell right now."" "Hell." "You ever get searched at the airport?" "At the airport?" "Nobody?" "Just me?" "You-you like to get searched?" "You don't like it." "I like it." "I'm old, horny." "I don't give a shit." ""Rub me." "Rub me, harder, lower." "Give me a tug."" "Then when I'm leaving," "I'm like, "call me later, you sexy son of a bitch."" "They're getting out of hand." "Now they got the, what, the full body scan." "They see you naked." "That ain't right." "So you know what I do?" "I put a cigar band around my penis." ""Puff on this, you son of a bitch."" "I was in williamsport," "Pennsylvania." "I got searched by a one-armed security guard." "He had one arm." "He goes "when I pat you down this won't take long."" "I'm like "it's gonna take twice" "I'm like "it's gonna take twice as long as it usually does."" "He's like "you got any sharp objects?"" "I'm like "why?" "Is that what happened to your other arm?"" "I had stuff on me but I kept switching it from side to side." "'Cause he only had one arm." "Why do they tell you this when you fly?" "When you fly?" ""It's a non-smoking flight."" "don't we know that?" "It's been 20 years since you could smoke on a plane." "Why they got to keep telling you that?" "Why don't they tell us other stuff we can't do?" ""No jerking off." "No shitting in the aisle." "No fingering the flight attendant."" "We know." "Shut up." "We're trying to sleep." "These people." "Come on!" "You wouldn't laugh if they said "no fingering the flight attendant"?" "You know you can't do it." "Why don't they tell us?" "Why don't they tell us?" "You ever get your bag searched at the airport?" "I hate that." "You know what I do, I keep a dildo in my bag." "Guys like, "what's this?"" ""I brought you a present." "Go fuck yourself."" "This is my job." "This is my job." "I love this job." "I meet crazy people." "Well, you know what I like to do for fun on my job?" "I like to apply for jobs." "You ever do this?" "I don't want the job." "I'm bored." "I go to businesses and just fill out the application." "They got those stupid questions." ""Who should we call in an emergency?"" ""Call 911."" ""What's your long term goal?"" ""To bang your wife."" ""Where do you see yourself in five years?"" ""In Hawaii with all the money I" ""in Hawaii with all the money I steal from you."" "Wal-Mart hired me." "I'm a greeter." ""Welcome to Wal-Mart."" "These seats suck now, don't they?" "This lady's like" ""what's he doing?"" "Whatever I want." "Whatever I want." "It's my show." "You can't do that at a real job." "You're working at sears." "Guy comes in, "like to see a toaster."" ""Yeah?" "Follow me." "Come on out back." "I got a pop-tart for you."" "I do meet crazy people, too, doing this." "I had a girl come up." "She goes "you're funny." "You made me pee my pants."" "I'm like "well, take your chair" "I'm like "well, take your chair with you, you skank." "No one wants to sit in it now, stinky britches."" "I had a guy come up and he goes," ""thanks for cheering me up." "I just found out I got herpes."" ""Thanks for shaking my hand, you prick."" "Then I get people want to give me material." "I was at jiffy lube." "I'm talking to a mechanic." "I'm talking to a mechanic." "I told him I was a comedian." "He's like "yeah, how come when you hit your funny bone, it ain't funny?" "You could use that."" ""Yeah, I could if I wanted to work at jiffy lube the rest of my life." "I don't bring you oil." "Don't bring me material."" "Tip from his uncle lar." "Tired of paying taxes." "Tired of paying taxes?" "Two people with jobs." "Two people with jobs." "I think we should tax stupid people, right?" "We'd be out of debt in a day." "A moron tax." "Anybody buys a snuggle, moron." "Pay a tax." "It's a blanket with sleeves." "You could put your robe on backwards." "Backwards." "Anybody buys the shake weight?" "Moron." "I been doing that since I was 12." "I don't need a weight." "Anybody puts clothes on the dog." "Moron." "Pay a tax." "Anybody do that?" "Oh, she does right here?" "What do you put on the dog?" "A cubs Jersey." "A cubs Jersey." "Yeah." "That's stupid, lady." "The dog's already got a fur coat." "That's like putting swimming trunks on a fucking fish." "I put a thong on my guppy." "You should see this lady's face." "She's like "what's happening?"" "Here's something really..." "Anybody see this?" "This is on the Internet." "A lady in north Dakota called the radio and said "why do they put deer crossing signs on the interstate?" "They should put them where there's no traffic."" "She thinks the deer cross wherever you put the sign." "That's a special kind of stupid that's a special kind of stupid right there." "She should have her tubes tied." "How about people go to the bathroom, don't wash their hands?" "Then they want to shake your hand." "Why don't I just put my hand down your pants and cut out the middleman?" "Walk them to Wal-Mart." "'Cause I'm a greeter at the Wal-Mart." "It's a sick world, and I'm a happy guy." "Thank you." "Those are my people right there." "I live in, uh, Chicago." "You ever get jehovah witness come to your house?" "9:00 in the morning." ""Got a minute?"" ""No, I'm real busy." ""No, I'm real busy." "I'm sacrificing a chicken."" ""I'm the devil." "Get off my porch."" "That really works." "They come to the door." "Especially if you do it naked." "Works on the pizza guy." "Just throws the shit." "You get it for free." "From your..." "Free pizza." "I had a girl scout at the house." "Picture..." "She's like, "oh."" "I know." "Picture me with a girl scout." "She's like "you want to buy my cookies?"" "I go "are you an undercover cop?" "'Cause I'm not falling for this shit again." "Fool me once..." "Fool me twice" "I'm on dateline."" "I'm on dateline."" "I do live in Chicago." "I know I got a friend lives in Florida." "You ever know people live in" "Florida when you live in the midwest?" "They're mean." "Right?" "My friend every winter calls." ""Heard you got snow." "It's 80 here."" "That's mean." "I would never call him and go" ""I heard you got a hurricane." "I still got my fucking house."" "I still got my fucking house."" "All right, you been a great crowd." "Thank you, folks, appreciate it." "Bye-bye." "Uncle Larry reeb." "Did you have a good time tonight?" "All right, so did we." "Bring the road dogs out for one more round of applause." "First up, Danny bevins." "Andi Smith." "And the sicko himself," "Mr. uncle lar." "Thanks for being here with us." "Watch road dogs." "God bless you." "Good night." "Captioning sponsored by levity entertainment group captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org access.Wgbh.Org"