"Previously on Weeds." "U-Turn, why the fuck ain't I got this new weed?" "This strain is called MILF weed." "It's the brand of the day." "I totally kick ass!" "What does kicking ass entail?" "A girlfriend, but that's not all." "I'm gonna be the class speaker for graduation." "He doesn't know what I do." "Keep clinging to that raft." "You are new to the neighborhood." "This is to say goodbye." "Dozens were arrested, including drug kingpin Aram Kashishian." "...our very first camera." "This is better than porn." "Some fucking lowlife has stolen two of then already." "And the drug free zone signs" " and the sasquatch costume." " Drugs are wrong!" "I'm Kat." "Is Andy here?" "How'd you find me?" "You must be Shane." "Hi, hug, hug." "You're the crazy chick from Alaska who tried to kill my uncle?" "Abumchuk is very upset with you." "He read my memoire and he wants to kill you Andy." "Peter and I are technically married." "It's a business arrangement." "Pure and simple." " Silas." " Go away." "Come on!" "You can't stay locked in there forever." "Go to him, tell him you love him." "Tell him you're out after the harvest, you get your money back," "Heylia James get wiped off his board," "I take the equipment and disappear." "You tell Heylia yourself or did you have your boy Conrad do it?" "I gave you the Armenians." "I gave you the Armenians!" "This is just not fucking working." "This is'nt working." "Agent wonder bread is not my husband." "I do not love him." "I'm never gonna love him." "You should be careful." "The human body is very flexible." "Yeah but your small intestines can get tangled" " and eventually explodes..." " Shane!" "Leave Kat alone." "Kat?" "Please leave my house." "Are you attracting lesbian vampires?" "What?" "Pussycat with a nosebleed." "Big red shark week?" "Aunt Ruby in town." "Are you asking if I'm having my period?" "We're cycling together." "Isn't that cool?" "Andy?" "Why is your lunatic girlfriend still in my house?" "Oh don't worry." "If no one claims her in the next few days," "I'll have her put down." "Silas, where were you?" "Give me your car keys." "Give me your car keys!" "I think not wanting to hear your mom have sex with a narc is a good enough reason to stay out all night." "Nothing happened." "Mom kicked him out after 15 minutes." " Shane!" " Talk about the fastest gun in the west." "Silas!" " Shark week." " Shane!" "Hey there." "You brought many oranges." "Felt bad for the orange guy." "It's a hot day." "Not a lot of traffic." "Plus I felt bad about last night." "It was kind of... awkward." "It was." "This is our adjustment period." "Time." "So you're ok with where we are?" "As a couple?" "Of course." "Feeling good?" " Feeling great." " Great." " That's great." " Yeah." "So how long before you retire and I get you all to myself?" "Soon." "I can't wait." " Yeah." " You and me." "You and me." "You want some orange juice?" "Fresh squeezed?" "No." "Bye." "Thank you." "We can't keep doing this." "You're right." "Let's mix it up a little." "You get on top of me, but don't face me this time." "No I mean we can't keep fucking in motel rooms." "I gotta be honest with you." "I'm not that comfortable having sex in public places." "I'm too tall." "Why are we still sneaking around behind the backs of people we don't even love anymore?" "That's how cheating works." "Hey let's play some more of the surveillance videos." "No, we can't." "Drug free zone bandit finally stole my last fucking camera." "Is that what we sound like?" "Listen to that." "It's so fucking hot." "Would you leave Dean?" "What?" "Would you leave Dean?" "Would you leave Dana?" "If I left Dana, would you leave Dean?" "If I left Dean, would you leave Dana?" "Dana doesn't like sex." "She is a fool to reject you." "You are an awesome lay." "So let's do it." "I'm sick of leaving in a fuckless marriage." "With what you have between your legs, it's a waste." "It's like having this great big boat and no lake to sail in it." "Wow!" "Be my lake." "Chill the fuck out!" "There's a lot of people in front of you." "Yeah, if you're talkin' that kind of money I suppose we can move you up." "Right on, man." "Nine o'clock this morning, our stash was valuated about 300 Gs." "But the market's making a bull so we just hold off, for say an other week, we sit on half a million easy." "Do you think that you could string agent wonder bread along for one more week?" "I'll just tell him my aunt Ruby is in town." "Who?" "Nevermind." "I'll string him along." "It'll will be over." "He brought me oranges this morning." "Half a million, uh?" "Fucking shame." "What Viagra was for Pfeizer" "MILF weed could have been for us." "Yeah, fucking shame." "I'll use my cut startin' my own grow house." "I did it once," "I do it again, better." "Hey gang." "I'm glad you're both here." "I'm starting my own hedge fund and I'm looking for investors." "Should come look at this." "Did you know that there are amazing opportunities to be had in the exploitation of emerging third world countries?" "There's 370 billionaires in this country and 40 million people living beneath the poverty line." "Wake up, seven eleven." "This is the fucking third world." "How do you know all that stuff?" "The Daily Show." "Oh my God!" " On the fucking ground." " Motherfuck..." "What the hell are you doing?" "No more games, no more bullshit." "I want the marriage certificate." " What?" " I want the certificate, or your boyfriend here is going to be just another dead nigger drug dealer!" "It's too late." "I sent it in." "We are on record." "My wife?" "!" "My wife." "Why are you doing this?" "Because I'm agent wonder bread." "Alright, fuck it." "Fuck the marriage certificate." "Here's how we're gonna play it now." "Take your last harvest, get a single buyer, make a quick deal and then hand all of the cash over to me." "Every goddamn last penny." "And then I want you to make every effort to ensure that I never see you again." "All of it?" "If you prefer prison to giving up your payday, I will take you down." "And if I go to, it serves me right." "Because I laid everything on the line for you, and you fucked me." "See you soon." "Give me your fucking phone." "You hear me know motherfucker?" "!" "You hear me?" "!" "Did you sleep in the guest room?" "No." "So where were you?" "Fucking Doug." " What did he do now?" " Me." "Celia, what the hell are you talking about?" "I'm leaving you." "The marriage is over." "I want to divorce." "I'm having an affair with Doug." "It's official:" "you've lost your mind." "Where do you think that I've been all these nights?" "Why do you think I've been so...happy?" "Doug Wilson?" "I think it's best if you moved out." "I hear the Oakwood in Burbank is very nice." "Doug hates you!" "Doug loves me, now." " Unbelievable!" " Why?" "You know you're so the kind of guy this stuff happens to." "Who's gonna tell Isabel?" "We'll tell her together." "I wanna live with dad." "Please spell hypocracy." "This is boring." "Shane?" "I have to go out." "Somewhere, for a couple of hours." "Lupita is in her room," "Andy is... someplace." "Are you ok?" " I'm fine." " You look anxious." "I'm fine." "Hi, Mrs. Botwin." "Oh hi Gretchen." "Shane's right:" "you look anxious." "I'm fine." "I'll be home soon." "Your mom is weird." "I know." "How do you spell Gomorrah?" "Who cares." "Let's get drunk." "Drunk?" "Hey guys." "What's going on?" " Hi Kat." " Hi." "I'm Shane's girlfriend." "Oh lucky you!" "It's our one week anniversary." "Oh my gosh, I'm so happy for you guys." "The first week is so hard." "But if you haven't slept with someone else by now, it's a pretty good sign." "Hey buddy, your mom gave me orders." "We gotta go to the mall and pick you a graduation suit." "I'm coming!" "I could take this to a lot of places." "I come to you out of respect." "Respect my ass." "You came to me 'cause you're in trouble." "Yes, yes, I am." "Despite the fact that you threatened to kill me and orphan my children, you're still the only person I can make this offer to that I trust." "Hold on." "Come on." "Let's go." "You're gonna be late." "Don't look at me like that." "I know your mamma now." "So what you got to say?" "Buy our harvest." "Bargain, basement, prices." "Walk away with 6 months worth of the best shit in town." "Double, triple, your investment." "And who am I supposed to sell it to?" "These kids here?" "I know your game is shut down." "Take it back East." "You're always talking about buying a place next to your sisters in Detroit." "Oh, so now I'm supposed to traffic across state lines." "Ain't that genius?" "Take a business took me 20 years to build and just pick it up and move it some place else." "You tell me you getting the shakedown from Mr. Federal Agent?" "Well good." "Welcome to the fucking party!" "Conrad know you come to see me?" "No." "You're buying or not?" "You two are like them big companies pumping toxic shit in the air and then acting all surprised when ice caps melt and hurricanes drown New Orleans." "Fuck you." "I drive a Prius." "Hey, Vaneeta." "Conrad's in up to his bald fuckin head." "Oh, we going to jail." "She's just so awesome." "Uncle Andy, do you love Kat?" " No." "No, no." " Then why are you with her?" "She makes me crazy..." "and she makes me crazy." "Will you stop hitting on my boyfriend?" "Hold him too tight and he'll turn to dust." " Bite me!" " All right." "Gloves off." "You want a piece of me?" "It's all fucked up but it's never boring, you know?" "Look at this." "See that scar?" "She stabbed me with a icicle when she thought I kicked one of her spirit animals." "What's a spirit animal?" "Who the fuck knows?" "10 stiches!" "But she keeps me on my toes." "All 8 of them." "When I'm with her, I'm alive." "It's him." "We better go out the back." "It's him." " Who?" " Abumchuck." "The eskimo?" "He's big." "Yeah, he wears a size 15 MaClock." "It's go time." "Uh... we're gonna take this one." "Who are you?" "I'm a business woman." "What do you want?" "Something you want." "Pussy?" "Even better." "Yo, U-Turn." "Which one is he?" "Let's see if you can guess." "Lose the shirt." "Check ball." "What you want from me, man?" "I'm looking to sell about 30 pounds of sexy mamma." " Yeah, that's a big move." " Interested!" " Rejected!" " All right." "Man, I'm talking about your weak ass shot." "I'll take some." "Ball!" "Let me ask you something." "Why our bitches got to be so fucked up and crazy as shit?" "Well, um..." "I don't know, uh..." "It's not easy being a girl, you know, we have a lot of..." " issues." " Fuck that bullshit." "Okay." "No, all or nothing." "That's the deal that's on the table." "You're heavy enough to handle it?" "Do I look like I'm heavy enough?" "You know this bitch tried to fucking light me on fire." "What did you do?" "I didn't do nothing." "I fucked her sister." "She only tried to let you know how hurt she was." "Hey, I got hurt too." "Skanky fucking sister gave me crabs." "Oh, well, that must be uncomfortable." " It's like a motherfucker." " A little help." "So how much?" " 300." " Why so cheap?" "We like you." "Are you in?" "Yeah, I'll take it." "Get the cash." "I'll call you with an address." "Deal go down tomorrow afternoon." " The fuck is that?" " Dap." "It's what my sons taught me." "Dap." " Say dap again." " Dap." "That fucking tickles me." " Yeah, me too." " Shut the fuck up, Marvin." "Some motherfucking lady nigga." "Pleasure doing business with you." "Hey." "Why don't you take your shirt off." "Come ball with us." "It's tempting." "I wouldn't want Marvin's girlfriend to get the wrong idea though." "Damn!" "If Conrad ain't tapping that pussy, that's one dumb nigga." "38 fucking pounds of MILF tomorrow afternoon." "Now where you supposed to get that kind of money by tomorrow?" "Nigga, we got guns." "They ain't got any." "What the fuck you gonna do?" "God!" "I feel so liberated!" "Did Dean freak out?" "It was just... sad." "Poor schmuck." "How did Dana take it?" "She would have been devastated." "Would have been?" " I was going to..." " Yes." "I remember the plan." "But I just..." "I couldn't." "But we can still see each other." "I mean the sex is fantastic." "And look on the bright side, one of us doesn't have to go sneaking around anymore." "Lucky you!" " You didn't do it?" " You're mad, aren't you?" " You didn't do it!" " You are mad." "Why the fuck didn't you do it?" "Because you're a fucking spineless motherfucker." " That's why." " Okay." "Dean used to talk about all th terrible things you'd say to him, the horrible way you'd treat him." "Dana won't fuck me but she's a sweetheart." "It's nice to live with sweet." "You're not sweet." "I think this is a non smoking room." "Actually I don't think you can smoke in any hotel room in the state of California." "Now that's exactly what I was talking about." " Yeah." " It's me." "Tomorrow. 3 o'clock at the grow house." "Just you and me and you friend, right?" "You and me and the money." "No, I want you to bring your friend along too." "Why?" "Just wouldn't be any fun without him." "I'll see you tomorrow, sweetheart." "I need you to get out of here before tomorrow." "Oh, fuck!" "It's Shane's graduation." "I can't do this." "You're gonna reschedule with U-Turn?" "Worst mother ever." "Go to your boy's graduation." "I will make this shit happen." "No, you need to get on a bus and go now." " You need to take that duffelbag..." " I'm staying." "Think about relocating yourself." "I'll see you tomorrow." "Stop being such a drama queen!" "You know you're not going anywhere." " What about yesterday?" " I didn't mean it." " So you didn't have an affair?" " No, I did." "We did." " But it's over." "I'm over it." " Well, maybe I'm not." "Oh, stop it." "You're totally overreacting." "You know that you're not going anywhere." "That's right." "I'm not." "You are." " No, I'm not." " Yeah, you are." "Your bags are packed." "You are now longer welcome in my house." "I'm done." "Dean..." "Done." "Finished." "Goodbye!" "I'm not going anywhere." "Here's your car key." "I suggest you hire a lawyer." "I've been thinking it might be a good idea to live somewhere else for a while, you know?" "Get a fresh start." " Flee?" " Relocate, okay?" "What does everyone think about that?" "I'm up for it." "Andy, get rid of her." "I'm a part of this family." "Just because you're crazy and we're crazy does not mean we're related." "I'm gonna grow on you, you'll see." " Wait in the van." " Is this about Abumchuck?" "Actually, no." " What are we fleeing from?" " It's not Abumchuck." "About Abumchuck... he's not really my boyfriend." "Please don't make me guess." "Don't worry, he's just this bounty hunter." "I did something illegal." "Can Kat come with us?" " No." " No." "So why we gotta blow town?" "Your narc not cool with what you're doing anymore?" "I'm just thinking we should explore the notion of" " perhaps living somewhere else." " Costa Rica." "You are a drug dealer." "Yes, Shane." "I grow and sell marijuana." "It's organic." "It's therapeutic." "It's of the Earth like... tomatoes." "Yeah." "Like tomatoes." "Fuck this.You go in your room and lock the door one more time..." "Not a good time to leave, big guy." "Fucking had it with him!" "Am I still gonna have my graduation party tomorrow?" "Yeah." "Might have to double as a going away party." " What's she gonna do?" " I'm as curious as you are." "Silas!" "Unlock this door!" "Grrr!" "Drugs are wrong!"