"Hey, it's Guy Carter." "I just..." "I just wanted to touch base and let you know that it was... it was amazing meeting you last week." "I felt really good about it and umm..." "I hope you did too." "So..." "I look forward to talking to you soon." "Okay, bye." "Hey there, it's Guy Carter again." "Just wondering if there's any news." "You said I'd hear by Monday at the latest and... it's now Friday." "I don't mean to keep bugging you, but you basically said I had the job." "Hey, hi, I just..." "I was thinking, if it's easier for you to text or to e-mail, that's totally cool." "Hey, it's Guy Carter." "It's Guy Carter, again." "Oh, it's Guy Carter." "I don't want you to lose out on getting me." "I'm still at the same number." "Recording has been paused due to silence." "Okay, now I'm pissed." "How do you not call someone back who interviewed three times and who you said was a shoe-in?" "How do you not hire someone who you said had the best book you'd ever seen?" "I deserve this job." "I can only assume the reason you're not calling me back is because you're too busy... chomping on huge dicks." "It's just a big dick breakfast over there." "Dick omelets and dick pancakes." "Scrambled dick." "Dick Benedict." "All you can eat dick." "Would you like another mimosa with your dick?" "There's a dick carving station." "You're just grabbing as much dick." "Oh no, that's okay, I'm fine with my dick." "Your plate is filled with dick and then your mouth is filled." "In fact, it's so full of dick, that I can't pick up the phone and make a simple" "Guy." "Rob Veckmann." "The reason I didn't call you is because my wife's been plowing my business partner." "They took over the company and fired me." "Oh, man." "Oh, that's..." "Wow!" "I had no idea." "Yeah, there's a lot you don't know." "Dick." "Rob?" "Rob?" "You alright in here, chief?" "How long have you been standing there?" "Long enough to hear the dick buffet." "Guy... you're making yourself crazy." "How's the crib coming along?" "It's getting there." "You know, not assembling that thing isn't gonna stop her from coming out of me." "Why would I want to stop her?" "Although, I mean, I guess I wouldn't be totally upset if she held off another eight months." "That's funny." "I was thinking if she came sooner, like say, before Tuesday, we'd still have health insurance to cover it." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Umm..." "Well, pretty much what it sounds like." "Wait?" "Are you-- You're serious." "Anne?" "How are you just telling me this now?" "I don't..." "You were so stressed out" "I didn't wanna make it worse." "It looked like the Resource thing was happening, so I didn't mention it." "But now, I'm mentioning it." "They have to give you some sort of grace period, right?" "They did." "It ends Tuesday." "I mean, I assumed you'd be working by now." "Yeah." "Well, we dropped the ball on that one." "I'm sorry, "we"?" "Meaning me?" "You quit your job." "Because we got pregnant." "I can't talk about this right now." "I'm gonna make tea." "Anne..." "¶ To be loved ¶" "¶ And to be loved ¶" "¶ Forever ¶" "¶ Let's make a vow ¶" "¶ To never ¶" "¶ Ever part ¶" "Here." "What is this?" "I found it on Craigslist." "It's the only thing remotely realistic." "Now If you studied dental hygiene, that would really open up our options." "You want me to be a delivery guy?" "I want you to be anything if it pays the insurance by Tuesday." "That will buy us another month, unless of course you want me to call my parents and ask for more money again." "It is an option." "No." "No, it is not an option, Anne." "I don't wanna go into labor and find out the "repo man"" "towed my car out of the driveway." "There's no such thing as the "repo man."" "Of course there is." "Have you ever seen a repo man... not counting the Emilio Estevez movie?" "Guy, I'm not gonna argue the existence of repo men because they're real." "What do they come with, a tow truck or a fleet of unicorns?" "My half-brother's mom Sandy, said that she had her car taken and I believe it was by a repo man, okay?" "What?" "They are not..." "I might throw up on you." "You're not gonna throw up on me." "A little bit." "Why don't you go lie down and I'll bring you something?" "Okay?" "Go!" "Go lay down, I'll bring you something." "They're real." "Here you go." "For your tummy." "Sorry for being such a baby." "I know you're frustrated." "It's just so stupid." "I'm supposed to have my ducks in a row by now." "Maybe it's okay to not have your ducks in a row." "It's not okay." "Ducks have to be in a row." "Have you ever seen ducks?" "They're sorta crazy." "They like to run around, do shit." "No, I don't..." "Not my ducks." "My ducks are different than your ducks." "Mine are not running around and crazy." "They have an objective, they have a plan." "They wanna get somewhere in life." "Then they're like walking in a line, otherwise known as a row." "Honey, oww." "Then call the number." "Word up?" "Oh." "Hey." "Um..." "I'm calling about your ad." "You got a car?" " Yes." " Does it run?" "Yes." " Meet me at Fat Burger in West Hollywood." "Umm... okay." "Oh, a question..." "This may be a little premature, but are there benefits?" "Plenty." "P, L, E, N, T, Y, my man." "My bad." "Yeah." "Um-hm." "What he do?" "Scraping the guardrail doesn't necessarily mean he was wasted." "Oh." "You got me there." "Okay, yeah, no." "I'll tell him," ""No more shooting' up in the car."" "But, fret not, I got a buddy that will drive you." "Um-hm." "About six foot." "Serious, clean." "Like a cop." "No, he's not a real cop." "I can promise you he will not hit on you." "How do I know?" "'Cause he's gay." "Gay as fuck." "Real gay." "No, he got a sweet ride." "A Volvo." "Yeah, yeah." "Don't get pissy with me." "I'm trying to hook you up." "Sit." "Okay, bye." "You O negative?" "No, I'm..." "I'm not talking to you." "Uh-huh." "Right." "Are you O negative?" "No, I'm" " I'm not talkin' to you." "Hold up." "All right, I love you too." "Bye." "You the one just called?" "Yeah, I'm Guy." "I'm Zoley." "Congratulations." "You're hired." "Okay..." "Well, what am I gonna be driving?" "Pizzas?" "Dry cleaning?" "What?" "Girls." "The first one's named Nikki." "Huh." "You didn't mention that in your ad." "It's all above board, man." "You're not doin' anything illegal, you're just drivin' a car." "Pickin' up, dropping' off." "Easy as cake." "What are the benefits?" "Well, you play your cards right, there can be all kinds of benefits." "Know what I'm sayin'?" "Guy, you about this life, or what?" "No, no no no..." "I'm..." "Yes..." "I'm..." "I'm about this life." "Okay, all right." "Mm-hmm." "Okay, sweet." "Here's where she's at." "Oh, whoa." "Now?" "You want me to start now?" "Right now, yes." "Nikki is waitin'." "And Nikki do not like to wait." "Hi." "I'm Guy." "Guy, with the sweet ride, Guy?" "That'd be me." "Call me Nikki, Nikki Winters." "And next time, don't be late." "So where are we going?" "Bel-Air." "Please proceed to the highlighted route." "Want music?" "Smooth jazz is good." "Not what I would've guessed." "My life's hectic enough." "I don't need my music to be." "You realize, we're still late." "Yeah..." "I got a ticket going through a yellow." "So now I just stop." "So about this client, I've been with him before." "He's a doctor." "Pretty basic." "Just walk me to the door, and let him know you'll be outside in the car." "I thought the job was just dropping off and picking up?" ""The job" is being my driver." "That's a ride and protection." "You carry a weapon?" "Me?" "A weapon?" "No, I do not carry a weapon." "What about karate?" "You know karate?" "I have zero skills in the lethal arts." "I'm an architect." "I know how to draw." "Never mind, I got my own protection right here." "Great." "I'll let you handle that part of the operation." "And what about you?" "How did you get into this line of work?" "Well, it's not exactly an everyday job." "Well, that depends where you spend every day." "I grew up in the Valley." "Every girl I know did a porno by the time she was eighteen." "Or at least a stripping gig." "But you're still doing it." "Yeah, 'cause I'm good at it." "I don't get what the big deal is." "Nobody asks a carpenter why they became a carpenter." "Fair enough." "Hello, stranger." "It's been too long." "My driver." "Great house." "Paul Williams?" "Paul Williams, right?" "He's a pioneer of the California Regency Movement." "Really great designer." "Designed a lot in the fifties, which is when it looks this house is from." "He's black, incidentally, which doesn't really" "I'm sorry." "Do I care about anything you're saying right now?" "No, you don't." "Don't you have somewhere to go?" "Yes." "He does." "He'll be in the car." "Right, Guy?" "Right, of course." "I'll be in the car." "See you in an hour." "Fuck this." "Baby?" "So guess what?" "I'm not driving pizzas." "What are you driving?" " Hookers." " Shut up." "I'm serious." "I picked up this lady called Nikki Winters." "You're fibbing me." "I fib you not." "You know that's not her real name, right?" "No way." "Oh my, God." "What was she like?" "Was she hot?" "Did she have an amazing body?" "Did she look like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman"?" "No." "This was not a happy hooker." "This lady was mean." "Mean?" "Can you blame her?" "I guess not." "So where is she now?" "At some doctor's house." "And you're just like sitting out in the driveway or something?" "No, I left." "What do you mean you left?" "You just ditched her?" "Babe, this guy, he totally insulted me." "I told him his house was a Paul Williams, and he looked at me like I was an idiot." "I mean, hello, I have a master's in architecture from Yale," "I think I know what I'm talking about." "Guy, what if something happens to her?" "Like what?" "I don't know, was he creepy?" "He hired a hooker to come to his mansion in the daytime." "Of course he was creepy." "Plus, he's like a doctor." "They're the worst kind of psychos." "He's her regular." "I'm sure it's fine." "You don't know that." "You have to go back." "Anne, you're crazy talking." "I'm almost home." "If something happens, you'll never forgive yourself!" "Go back now!" "This is someone's daughter we're talking about." "Oh!" "Sorry." "Okay, I see you." "I got..." "All right!" "One sec." "I just gotta U-turn." "Man, move it!" "Jesus!" "Word up?" "Hey, it's Guy." "Yeah, you with Nikki?" "She's in a house with a client." "Said she'd be out twenty minutes ago, but she's not." "Nikki's never late." "Hold on, I'll try her cell." "She's not pickin' up." "Damn, that's all I need is another Nikki problem." "She's, like, fifty percent of my business." "I lose her, then I'm out on the street." "Spoken like a true pimp." "Spoken like a true white boy." "There are no more pimps." "Pimps got killed by Craigslist." "I'm a dispatcher." "I work for Nikki, not the other way around." "She needs a ride, she calls me." "If you screw this up, then she's not gonna call me." "Okay, so what do I do?" " Lemme think." "Lemme think." "You got a gun?" " What?" "No." "Why does everyone keep asking if I have a gun?" "Calm down, it's an honest question." "You know karate?" "I am an architect!" "Architects can know karate." "Well, I don't!" "You gonna have to go in, man." "Pretend you're not wearing a pink shirt and go in!" "Shit!" "That's right." "Go ahead, struggle all you want." "You're not getting out of this." "You're never getting out of this." "Helpless right now, huh?" "Pretty vulnerable." "Ah, there we go." "That's too tight." "Hmm-mm." "Hmm-mm." "Huh?" "Oh shit!" "Oh, Oh!" "Shit, shit, shit, shit." "Okay." "Here we go." "Here we go." "I'm here." "I'm here." "I'm sorry." "What the fuck is wrong with you?" "What do you mean?" "He was torturing you." "That was role play, you dumbass." "What?" "I was teaching him how to tie bondage knots." "He pays extra if I let him wear the dog mask." "Or at least, he was gonna." "Just untie me, okay?" "Uh..." "Jesus." "How?" "How do you..." "Oh, my God!" "Is this guy a fucking Eagle Scout?" "Hold on." "I took sailing camp one summer and I think this is a..." "What do you call this knot?" "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Sorry." "Let me, okay, hold on." "It's like a spaghetti factory." "I don't even know where to begin." "Under." "Under what?" "Under, over." "Under." "Under, over, yeah." "Pretty simple." "Yeah." "I think I got it, I think I got it!" "Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it." "Got it." "Is that good?" "Is that good?" "Okay." "Phew!" "Yes!" "Yeah, that's it." "I knew it!" "I knew it." "Idiot!" "Oww!" "Shit!" "Here, put this in a case." "Jesus!" "What the hell is wrong with you people?" "Does this go a certain way?" "Now look, I still gotta get paid, but I'm gonna give you half price." "Oh, and good work today." "Oww!" "Fuck!" "Guy, come on." "Sorry." "Yeah." "Got it." "Got it." "Got it." "Guy, come on!" "Fucking got it!" "Son of a..." "I can't fucking believe this." "You think this was my fault?" "Whose fault was it?" "You said an hour!" "Yeah, well, he was stuck on the Bachmann hitch." "That's a really hard knot." "The rabbit has to go around the tree three times before he goes down the hole." "You know what, if I'm gonna be late, I usually text but you said you were sticking to the driving and I was handling the protection, which there was no need for, until you decided there was." "I cannot believe that this is my life right now." "We committed a crime, Nikki." "An actual crime." "I broke and entered." "I assaulted." "What if he's dead?" "What if I just murdered a doctor?" "Don't flatter yourself." "It's a bump on the head at best." "What if he calls the cops?" "Trust me, the doc is not gonna tell anyone about this." "Besides him, I'm the only one that knows about your retarded heroics." "Suffice to say," "I'm not payin' your percentage on that stop." "My percentage?" "You get 20 % of the take." "What "take"?" "Everything we make, you get 20 % of." "How do you not know this?" "I don't know, I guess... everything happened so fast," "I forgot to ask about the money." "Never forget to ask about the money." "How much, exactly, are we talking about?" "Saturday night, a couple of stops..." "Plus the two girls we're picking up for the bachelor party..." "All in, you could walk away with a grand, maybe two." "Two..." "Two thousand... dollars?" "$2,000?" "Just to be clear, I'm not doin' you any favors." "You're gonna earn it." "Grab my bag." "Ladies, shake a leg." "Hey, make yourself at home, why don't you?" "I always do." "Where's Jaxi?" "Gettin' dolled up." "Who's he?" "Hi, I'm Guy." "I'm new." "Nick, what the eff?" "Most people do that in the shower." "I'm not most people." "This is a huge night." "We can't be breaking in a new dude." "Zip it, okay?" "He's got a sweet ride." "A Volvo." "This him?" " Uh-huh." "Hi." "I'm Guy." "He don't look like no driver." "Look, we have a party in the penthouse at The Teal." "We need a guy who's on point." "He's up for it, okay?" "To prove it, he's gonna wash the hardware." " Right, Guy?" " Oh shit!" "That'll be fun." "They've been cooking." " Is it" " Oh!" " Scrub-a-dub-dub." "It's leaking." " Yeah." " You're kidding, right?" "The den mother don't kid." " No." "Go, go!" "Get it done, son." "Okay." "Chop, chop." "Mine's the purple one." "Have fun." "It's dirty." "Oh!" "Eww!" "¶ Oh, yeah ¶" "Oh God!" "¶ Mr. Big Stuff ¶" "¶ Who do you think you are?" "¶" "Eww." "¶ Mr. Big Stuff ¶" "¶ You're never gonna get my love ¶" "¶ Now because you wear all these fancy clothes ¶" "¶ Oh yeah ¶" "¶ And have a big fine car oh yes, you do now ¶" "¶ Do you think I can afford ¶" "¶ To give you my love ¶" "¶ Oh yeah ¶" "¶ You think you're higher than every star above ¶" "¶ Mr. Big Stuff ¶" "¶ Who do you think you are?" "¶" "¶ Mr. Big Stuff ¶" "¶ You're never gonna get my love ¶" "Eww." "What the... ¶ Now I know all the girls ¶" "¶ I've seen you with ¶" "¶ I know you broke their hearts¶" "Hon. Baby, why you call me?" "What happened with the lady and the doctor?" "No, she's..." "She's fine." "I picked her up and now we're at this house in the Valley with two other girls" "Wait." "Two other hookers?" "Looks that way, yeah." "So you're with three hookers now?" "Yes." "Uh-huh." "It's just you, and three hookers, at a house in the Valley?" "Uh... yeah, but I'm about to drive them to a party, where there'll be a bunch of guys." "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" "What do you want me to say?" "I mean, you're the reason I'm here at all." "Remember, "somebody's daughter?"" "Yeah, well it seems like everyone's safe and sound now." "A few hours ago, you wanted me to do anything to keep our insurance!" "Yeah, well baby, a few hours ago, there weren't half a dozen silicone tits staring you in the face." "Yeah, that's not quite what's staring me in the face right now." "You still alive in there?" "Hey, you're just supposed to be washing those." "Don't give yourself CPR." "We're gonna be tardy to the party." "Okay." "All right." "Babe." "I have to go, okay?" "I gotta clean the hardware." "I'll talk to you in a little bit." "I love you, okay?" "Bye." "Hardware?" "Okay." "Good to go." "You missed a spot." "What, I scrubbed with antibacterial." "On your face." "Oh, God." "Ugh, get it off." "Is there...?" "Can I...?" "Come here." "Don't be such a wuss." "It's just lube." "Eww." "Okay, let's go." "Bye, Nicky Hilton." " I call shotgun." " No, bitch, I got shotgun." "Bye, Nicky Hilton." "Woohoo!" "Breath mints, anyone?" "Nuh-uh, put that shit away." "What is your problem?" "I'm not doin' another party with you about to be poppin' those." "And why the hell not?" "Last time you ate my pussy, you had one in your mouth," "I was numb for a week." "Numb, but minty fresh." "Bitch." "I am always minty fresh." "I'd like you fucking" "Hey, our driver doesn't want to hear your gory details." "Oh, no, don't mind me." "We won't." "Uh, that's... that's an open container right there." "Yeah, sure is." "How else do you get the liquid out, huh?" "Yeah, well..." "I don't really think that's a good idea to have in the car." "Right?" "I mean, lots of cops." "What's with this guy?" "Tell me he's not for real?" "Please tell me." "I'm sorry, but... do you want us to buckle our seat belts back here too, grandpa?" "'Cause we can." "You know what?" "Go easy on him." "He's sensitive..." "I mean, being a gay and all." "Oh, you like boys?" "Oh my God, that's so cute!" "We never had a homo driver before." "No wonder he took so long washing the dildos." "Ooh, ain't she got your number!" " We're open-minded." " Yeah, always." "Ah, yeah, my brothers!" "Da ladies are in da house!" "Yo, you the pimp?" "You don't gotta front, bro." "I know what's up." "You got that gat?" "You're the third person to ask me that tonight and I..." "You know what, you don't wanna know, actually." "Oh, I bet he knows karate." "What's up, bro?" "I'm Dan, the Best Man." "Hey, Best Man Dan." "I think we spoke on the phone." "All the stuff in the rider, is in the room, including the Tabasco." "Cool, let us get ready." "Hey, boys." "Look, I need these guys to have the night of their lives," "I mean, I went all out and got them custom hats and everything." "Umm... in terms of extras after the show, how does that work?" "Uh..." "Look" " You know what?" "We can discuss that I'm sure." "Awesome, dude." "Awesome." "Just say the word." "Okay." "Everyone take your dicks out." "Whoa!" "Guy?" "Guy fucking Carter!" "In the flesh." "Yah!" "What the fuck?" "Devon." "Yeah, man." "How long has it been, hustler?" "Uh..." "I guess Grad school." "Wow!" "That is like a lifetime ago." "You heard I made partner at Pivot Point?" "No, wow." "You made partner." "Wow, that's..." "Congratulations." "That's amazing." "It's rad." "Me, of all people, designing cell phones." "Here's the secret." "Just keep makin' 'em thinner." "They'll keep makin' my pockets fatter." "What about you, man?" "How's it shakin' with old Guy Carter?" "Oh... you know, it's good." "Yeah, man." "It's good." "I'm solid." " Hey, driver." " Hey." "Guy, get in here." "Pour yourself a drink." "Sucks when the civilians spot you." "That never used to happen." "Now it's like I can't even go to a grocery store without some jack-hole being like," ""Weren't you in such and such?"" "Used to be if you took a really nasty job" "Like when you did Black Cock Down?" "And you did Weapons of Ass Destruction?" "You know, the only way someone would see it was if they went to an equally nasty video store, paid actual money, watched it in a VCR, returned it and never gave it another thought." "Not only is everything fucking free now," "They watch it over and over and over." "You guys done with the grass-is-greener shit?" "We gotta bring Guy up to speed." "You ready for your fifteen minutes, Big Daddy?" "Uh..." "I'm not sure I follow." "They think you're a pimp, right?" "I thought there were no more pimps because of Craigslist?" "There aren't." "But those fools out there don't know that." "So run with it." "Act like you're Willie Dynamite, been beating chicks down for years." "That way they feel sorry for us and they tip harder." "How many ones you got?" "A hundred." "Here's what we're gonna do." "Sell 'em, collect 'em again, sell 'em again." "If they're not sticky by night's end, you didn't turn 'em around enough." "And collect the panties, 'cause they'll steal 'em and that shit's costly." "Amen." "The most important thing, learn your script." "What, I have to read this?" "You have to perform it." "You're a pimp, remember?" "You gotta bring out that big boss, Mac Daddy, fur-coat-wearin' motherfucker that I know is in you." "Bring it out, boo-boo." "Okay, no." " What?" " No?" "No, no, no, no," "I..." "I can't do this." "Are you kidding?" "I can't do this." "There are people out there that I..." "I'm sorry." "I thought I was gonna be delivering pizzas tonight." "Honestly." "I'm in way over my head here." "I..." "I..." "This..." "I understand, Guy." "What?" "You do?" "Yeah, 'cause it's..." "Thank you." "We get it." "Thank you." "Because this..." "is just not me." "But, I'll pay for your cab, it's only fair." "We got it, Guy." "One thing, though." "You got a long drive." "Might wanna visit the little boys room, first." "Smart thinking." "I do kind of have to go." "So, excuse me." "Mm mm mm." "Who said, "Don't break a guy in on a Saturday night?"" "Who said it?" "Get your gear on and shut your faces." "Oh, sorry, it's all yours." "I'm not here for the bathroom." "So, you goin' home to your boyfriend?" "Huh?" "You're still gay, right?" "Oh, yeah." "I'm gay." "See?" "Pink shirt." "I'm gay." "So... you don't like it when I do this?" "Um... not really." "Or this...?" "No." "Or this?" "Umm..." "Homos don't pop boners when girls touch them." "You know who does?" "Husbands." "Look, can I have my phone, please?" "Is this your "boyfriend"?" "That's Anne." "That is my wife." "I wonder what Anne would think of this?" "Let's see, contacts." "Anne Carter." ""Attaching file"..." "Okay, Nikki..." "Nikki..." "Please... please." "She's 37 weeks pregnant." "She's very fragile right now." "She will not understand this, not in a million years." "I'm sure she wouldn't." "I wouldn't." "I mean, nobody likes a cheater." "Okay, please, Anne will leave me." "She will leave me, okay?" "You don't understand the stress we're under, both of us out of work." "Oh, cry me a river, Volvo Guy." "Yeah, things sound really desperate, with you turning your back on an easy grand." "I..." "I told you," "I can't do this job." "It's too much for me." "Everything's just..." "It's too much for me." "I got two words for you, mister:" "Buck the hell up." "Now, I'm gonna keep hold of this." "And you're gonna learn these... and get your non-gay-ass into that room and you're gonna do your job." "Okay?" "He was un-cool with it." "Now he's cool with it." "Let's go, let's go." "Lets' go." "Bring them out!" "Bring them out!" "Bring them out!" "Bring them out!" "Bring them out!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa..." "All right." "Shit." "That shirt is so pink." "Hi." "Hello." "Hi." "Okay, okay." "Sit down." " Come on, get on with it." "You want me to bring the ladies out... we gotta learn a few basic rules." "Bullshit!" "First and foremost, no kissing the ladies on the mouth." "They don't like it." "It's alright, it's..." " Can I kiss you?" "That's what it says." "Second rule..." "Take off your top!" "No fingers in any holes." "That's a deal breaker." "That also goes for remote controls." "Cheese doodles." "Action figures." "Action figures?" "Is my dick an action figure?" "Anything other than a sanctioned toy goes in the holes, show's over." "One last thing." "You want a hot show, you're gonna have to tip." "I'll show you my tip." "I'll be selling ones all night, all right?" "So, anyone?" "Fuck yeah!" "Put your hands together for the owner and founder of "Bad Gurls" party services," "Miss Nikki Winters and her BFFs Jaxi and Fallon!" "Take it off!" "Yeah!" "Work that!" "Shake it out right!" "Good work, Guy." "You get your phone back." "Thanks." "You like that, Daddy?" "There you go." "Um-hmm." "Yeah." "I'll take that." "Hey, bullshit on that shit!" "Your chick just lifted all my ones!" "That's fuckin' unacceptable." "That's how you run your business, bro?" "No, no, no!" "I'm sorry." "I'll get your ones back." "Watch and learn." "Oh yeah!" "Oh!" "Make it rain, baby!" "Hi, Daddy!" "You like that?" "Give me more." "Hello?" " I'll keep giving you more." "Anne." "Hold on, hold on." "Hon. Everything okay?" "What?" "Wait." "Now?" "That's impossible." "You're still three weeks away." "This is what marriage is gonna feel like." "Holy Christ." "Okay." "Well, uh..." "What should we do?" "What do you want me to do?" "Okay, I'll be there." "Ow!" "Hey, it really hurts." "It's supposed to." "Nikki, Nikki, Nikki, I gotta talk to you." "I'm kinda in the middle of something." "It's an emergency." "Please?" "Go to town." "His ass is bleeding, dude!" "It actually really hurts." "What's the problem?" "I gotta go." "Haven't we been through this already tonight?" "This is different." "I'm having a family crisis." "Yeah, well, You leave, I'm having a financial crisis, okay?" "Party games are up next." "You really wanna miss all the fun?" "No, no, but" " Yeah, we're gonna put licorice up our pussies, and they're gonna eat it out." "Then we pour tequila shots in our pussies and they drink it out." "Oh, then we put whipped cream in our pussies and they lick" "I get it, I get it." "Lots of stuff going into the..." " That's what we do." " ...pussies." "Yeah, I need you here to cut the deals, keep the supplies coming tequila, candy, whipped cream..." "Nikki, my wife just called." "She's having the baby." "Are you fucking with me?" "I wish I were." "Fine." "Go have your damn infant." "Just don't expect to get paid." "'Cause you didn't do shit!" "I don't." "It's..." "I don't." "Bye, loser." "I thought he was gay." "Sorry." "Hi." "Maternity?" "Sorry." "Hi." "What's happening?" "Baby, this is Doctor Siegel." "This is my husband, Guy." "Hi." "Is it coming out?" "Uh..." "It is, but not today." "He says I'm not even dilated." "But okay-- What about the pain?" "Well, your wife was experiencing false labor." "Which is not uncommon during the first pregnancy." "Could be brought on by anything really." "Dehydration, stress..." "We started a saline drip just to kind of settle things down." "I'm already feeling better." "Oh, thank God." "Oh, thank God." "I cannot have this kid yet." "Well, she is coming out sooner or later." "I'm gonna go make a note in your chart." "I'll be back in a bit to take that drip out." "Thank you." "You know, it really hurts my feelings when you say things like that." "Oh." "I don't mean to upset you." "I'm just..." "I'm just being honest." "I'm not ready." "What if I just suck at being a dad?" "Really." "What if I'm a bad provider, financially and emotionally?" "I mean, think about it, Annie." "We are bringing an actual human, a real human life into this world." "She's gonna be a person." "And everything that she is and is going to be depends upon us." "What made us think we could do that?" "What if we're not up to the job?" "I just spent two hours with three women whose parents clearly did something wrong because there's no way a well-adjusted person would stick licorice rope up their" "Licorice rope?" "I love Licorice rope." "Yeah, me too." "I was just saying how I wish I had some." "Can't help ya there, but you're lucky you got a doctor with a sweet tooth." "Would you care for a Fruit Burst?" "No, thank you." "Baby, what if you're right?" "What if she hates us?" "Why wouldn't she?" "I hate my parents." "You do not hate your parents." "Well, I do." "I mean, I don't totally love my parents." "I wouldn't choose to hang out with them." "What if she feels about me the way that I feel about my mom?" "Oh, my God." "I'd kill myself." "Sign here, and here..." "Pay that much now, and then mail this form into the insurance to get your reimbursement." "If we still have insurance by then." "Man." "That's about how much Nikki said I'd make tonight." "What, the hookers?" "Yeah, there was a lotta money flying around." "But I'm done." "Thank you." "Come on." "Let's get you home and into bed." "You should probably come with me." "No, I don't want to leave my car here." "I'll drive." "Are you sure?" "I'll meet you there." "You sure?" "You sure?" "I love you." "I love you." "All right, I'll meet you at home." "Ma'am, is there a water fountain around here?" "Right around the corner to the right." "Thank you." "You?" "You." "Doctor?" "Doctor Kurtz?" "Yes." "Is he...?" "Is that a patient?" "Hey..." "Code Grey!" "Code Grey!" "Oh shit." "Dr. Grey, Dr. Grey." "North wing." "Dr. Grey, Dr. Grey." "North wing." " Oh jeez!" " Shh." "I just filled this syringe with 1.1 milliliters of Anectine." "Enough to paralyze you for several hours." "It's a very disagreeable experience." "Whatta you say we go look up Nikki, huh?" "Okay." "Come on." "What are you planning on doing to her?" "I don't know yet." "You're really starting to sound like a creepy doctor, you know that?" "Yeah." "You know what?" "Just keep driving." "What happened wasn't her fault." "It was mine." "I'm new to this." "I thought she was being tortured." "I pay extra for that." "I know that now, but I think you can appreciate the misunderstanding." "I mean, If you heard what I heard..." "it sounded pretty extreme." "Obviously, you have issues." "Maybe you should consider therapy?" "Or you might want to rethink the missionary position." "It still works." "Rather well, as a matter of fact." "And it leaves s lot less room for confusion." "Shut the fuck up." "I don't think you realize how lucky you are." "You're a doctor." "You're getting to do, what I imagine, you've always wanted to do-- and getting paid for it." "Do you know how rare that is?" "Most people work their whole lives and never get that chance." "You go in there half-cocked, you're throwing it all away." "Your medical license?" "Gone." "And for what?" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Another thing, doctor, I Googled your house." "It is a Paul Williams." "1953." "Preservation boards go crazy for him because he was black, working in an all-white hierarchy." "You could get landmark status." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Nikki." "Shit." "Nikki, don't move." "Doctor, please don't." "Listen to me, think about it." "Think about all of it." "You get landmark status." "Which, on your house, means no property taxes!" "That's huge cash savings." "Holy shit!" "Why the fuck did you bring him here?" "What?" "I..." "Did you not just see...?" "He kidnapped me!" "Dr. Fucking Strangelove works at our hospital." "He was hell bent on getting revenge or something." "I guess he's shit outta luck." "Yeah, it looks that way." "I hope to fuck he's not dead." "No, he's just paralyzed for a couple of hours." "It's a..." "Thing." "It's a neck..." "Whatever." "Awesome." "So what's the deal with your baby?" "False alarm." "Well, since you're here, want your old job back?" "Come on, doc." "I got you." "Look what the cat dragged in." "Hey!" "Now the party's gonna get really crazy!" "Pull up a bottle, "driver." We're in the home stretch." "Hey, can you hook that for me, Love?" "Oh, yeah." "That's not one of the regular Kiss guys, is it?" "No, it's Eric Carr." "He's the best." "He replaced Peter Criss on the drums." "Good to know." "Yeah, he's a fox." "How can you tell?" "He's got paint all over his face." "No, I mean, literally." "He's a fox, like, that's his character." "Her mom slept with him once." "That's Fallon's big claim to fame, she could have been the Kiss drummer's daughter." "Okay, this is it." "The big finale." "We're lookin' to get five bills." "It's up to you." "At this point, there's pretty much nothing that'll shock me." "Except this." "We're looking to get every single mother fuckin' dollar." "Yeah." "Work it down to the bone." "I'm ticklish." "Balls out." "This guy?" "All right, everybody." "Alright, alright." "Listen, this is the moment you've all been waiting for." "It's time for the girl-on-girl... on-girl sex show." "Now, now listen, this is one hot, sick show." "Everything you see is real." "I'm serious." "Everything." "One hundred percent." "None of it is fake." "Listen, listen..." "All right, all right." "Stop it!" " You want proof?" " Bullshit!" "Our girl Fallon, she's gonna prove it." "There's no way to fake what she's about to do." "Okay, it is the real deal." "Now I don't wanna ruin the surprise but suffice to say, you might not wanna sit too close." "I need to see the money." "Help me out." "'Cause I can't" " We can't go forward without the money!" "So what do you say?" "How about some money?" "You guys are very smart." "'Cause you just bought yourself a memory that you will never ever forget." "Boom." "What I tell you?" "Woo!" "Where'd you go?" "I thought you were right behind me?" " I got sidelined." " By what?" "It's a long story, try not to be mad, but, I'm back at the hotel." "Now you've got me thinking about this baby." "What if I hate her?" "What if she's ugly?" "What if she has one of those giant raspberry birthmarks on her face and I can't bond with her because I can't even look at her?" "What if I hate her because she's beautiful, more beautiful than I am?" "And I get super jealous of her and resentful and competitive because she has six pack abs..." "Guy, come on." "While I bust my ass at CrossFit every week and still have this weird an inner tube around my waist?" "Oh, my God, Guy, I feel the postpartum already setting in." "Does California have a law where you can drop off a baby at a fire station" "Babe, babe, babe, babe." "You're spinning." "I know!" "That's why I need you to come home right now!" "The party isn't over yet." "We need to clean up and get these girls home." "Look, just try to relax." "Try to lay down." "Lay down and make some chamomile tea." "Just calm" "I can't calm down!" "You know why, because I don't have a "me"" "to calm me down like I do for you!" "The one time I need a "me,"" "you're not here!" "Babe?" "Babe?" "Oh, yeah!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Oh!" "Oh, my God!" "That's so wrong!" "Go clean yourself up." "What is that stuff?" "Nobody knows." "But you should clean it off." "I think I'm in love." "Oh, shit." "We got robbed." "Robbed?" "As in, someone came in here and snaked all our cash." "Wait, are you sure?" "This was full." "Now it's not." "Who would do something like that?" "One of those limp dick fuck boys." "You killed yourselves for that money!" "I wouldn't go that far, but, yeah, it took some effort." "Hold on, wait." "Maybe" " Maybe" " Maybe it like just fell out or something." "It didn't." "Well, we should at least have look around for it, don't you think?" "I agree." "Let's look for it." "Mother fuckers!" "Jaxi:" "Yeah, somebody's about to get fucked up." "It's not under here." "Wait!" "Ladies." "Hey, party's goin' great, man." "That show was a mind fuck." "Yeah, sure was." "We gotta talk about that thing we were talkin' about." "The extras?" "Yeah, that's not happening right now." "What the fuck?" "You said we'd get extras." "You gave me your word." "We got robbed, motherfucker." "Either you make up the difference or we don't let anyone outta here." "You're high." "None of these guys would rob you." "They're all agents." "Suit yourselves." "Ladies, lock the doors." "This is ridiculous." "I'm calling security." "No, you ain't." "Uh-oh." "Shit just got real." "Wha" " Nikki, whoa." "Nikki... you never mentioned guns." "I thought we were gonna talk." "We are gonna talk." "This helps them listen." "Okay, people." "We got a situation here." "One of you boners stole my money." "Nobody is leaving this fucking hotel until I get it back." "I want all of you cunts on the carpet." "Now!" "Yeah, who's taking their dicks out now, bitch?" "He gets a pass." "You can take whatever I got." "Take my wallet." "Take anything." "I don't want your wallet, prick." "I want my money." "The money I earned." "Yeah, the money we earned." "Guy, check 'em." "Check 'em." "Aren't you two cozy." "Fucking guys spooning." " This one's clean." " This guy's clean." "Clean." "Move!" " Clean here." " Ooh, library card." " Clean." " Munch some carpet!" "I touched his penis." "Sorry." "Clean." " Clean." " Check his pants." "Help!" "Congratulations, dude." " Thank you." " Sorry." "Clean." "What about him?" "Hey, you don't have to worry about me." "I mean, you know I'm cool." " Clean." " Clean." "Hey, man." "I got laid off six months ago." "I had to do it." "I'll split it with you." "I know one of you boners stole this shit!" "Come on, man, help out a bro." "It's this one." "You dick!" "We got a runner!" "Get him!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Move your ass, Guy." "Elevator's not coming, bitch!" "Get over here, fucker!" "Stop right there!" "Please jump." "Hey..." "Make my fucking night." "Oh, I was just messin' with you guys." "I was totally gonna give it back." "You idiot." "It's right here." "Every cent." "Frisk his ass." "That's just..." "Hey." "Homeboy is doughy as fuck." "Look here." "I forgot about that." "Sorry." "Okay, I told you, I was gonna give it back." "I was just bustin' your balls." "Turn around and get on your knees." "What?" "On your knees, fuck-tard!" "You like to play games, right?" "What're you gonna do, Guy?" "Someone's about to get fucked up." "Guy, buddy, please, please, don't let them hurt me, please." "I'm so sorry!" "I'm so, so, so, so sorry!" "Please..." "Nikki, Nikki..." "Hey, listen." "Ladies..." "piss on this fucker." " What?" " Hell yeah!" "Nikki, hold on, that's just plain gross." "You cannot pee-pee on me!" "Guy, don't let them do this!" "Honey, my bladder's about to burst." "Do you wanna go first, or should I?" "You filthy bitches!" "No, don't don't don't!" "Seriously, stop." "Don't..." "Yeah, pee on him." "Oh God, stop." "No!" "Rainbow kiss!" "It's in my mouth!" "Fallon, what the fuck are you doing?" "You said pee on him." "He's blindfolded." "He can't tell the difference!" "Well, I really had to go." "You nasty, filthy bitches!" "Wait." "Why does she get to pee on him and I don't?" "Give it back to me, motherfucker!" "Bitch!" "Smells like asparagus." "Hey, man." "Good thing she didn't have to poop, huh?" "What?" "Having fun yet?" "Is this what every Saturday night is like?" "Pretty much." "How do you survive?" "Smooth jazz helps." "I think I might need something stronger." "Smooth metal." "Why are you such a stress case?" "Oh, I don't know." "Because I'm about to have a kid." "I don't have a career." "Your kid doesn't need you to have a career." "Really?" "What does she need?" "For you to basically do what you've been doing tonight with us." "Okay, I think you and I have very different philosophies on how to raise kids." "I don't know." "No, I think it boils down to a ride and protection." "Sure you can throw in washing their stuff and picking up after them, which, incidentally, you also did tonight." "But mostly, kids just need a ride and protection." "It doesn't matter if you drive a Porsche or a Pontiac." "As long as the kid knows that you're gonna be there on time and they're gonna be safe, it's a job done." "We both know you can do that." "You can do that like a champ." "Now, look..." "Now before we clear out of the room, do an idiot check." "Come on." "Hey, ladies, hold up." "I've got something of yours." "Oh my God, these are my favorites." "Someone was supposed to collect all the panties." "They were under the couch." "I'm just glad I was able to get 'em back to you." "Well, thanks." "It really was a dynamite show." "I'd also like to say" "I'm sorry for what happened back there." "Some guys... they just don't say a lot for the male gender, now do they?" "Yeah, well, if it wasn't for the male gender, we wouldn't have jobs." "True, which leads me to my next point." "Now, I know you said you guys were done..." "Here we go." "Dude, go home." "Bust a load off in your sink." "I got two hundies burnin' a hole in my pocket." "My truck is right in the corner, so, what do ya say?" "What the hell." "Awesome." "This will just take a few seconds, no offense." "Come on." "Some taken." "But... yeah." "Shall we?" "My cousin made over a million bucks selling vitamins." "Maybe coke vitamins." "No, bitch." "Real fucking vitamins." "Nu-uh." "Yeah-huh." "Okay, that was so black-ish of you." "Bitch, I am black." "Stop fucking playing with me like that, Fallon." "So is she gonna go all the way with that guy, right over there?" "What're you, 12?" "I'm just sayin'." "Oh, he's worried." "You worried about her, pops?" "Well, when you actually think about it, it is worrisome." "Okay, here's what they don't teach you when you buy a ticket at the door." "Pros, do the absolute minimum." "That means, we dance a little, talk dirty..." "Finger ourselves." "Maybe a hand job." "If he can get it up, which, more than likely, he can't." "Exactly." "These guys are so full of vodka and whatnot, it's mostly babysitting." "That's why they call it a trick." "Professionals, rarely, if ever, give up the cookie." "No fucking way." "Oh, my God, this cannot be fucking happening." "What's not happening?" " The guy from the party." "He's busting Nikki!" "He's a fucking cop, we gotta get out of here." "Yeah, yeah." "Guy, drive!" "What about Nikki?" "Nikki's going to jail right now, which is not where we're goin', so you need to drive this fucking car before I do it for you." "We can't leave." "What 'cause of Nikki?" "Fucking drive the car!" "Back the fuck up!" "Let's go!" " What the fuck?" " What're you doin'?" "Come on, dude." " What the fuck?" " Why are you stopping?" " What are you doing?" " Keep going!" "Drive forward!" "What the fuck?" "Press the fucking pedal!" "Whoa, hey!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Hey!" "Fuck!" "You did not just do that!" "What the fuck, Tokyo Drift?" "I don't see 'em in the back." "That's because there's nobody behind us." "Tokyo Drift, you did it!" "Oh, fuck!" "Ah..." "Is everyone okay?" "Not really." "What happened?" "We're fucked." "Oh my God, you guys, jail fucking sucks." "But on a Saturday night, jail sucks donkey dick." "Hold on." "Stop it." "No one's going to jail." "Guy." "Unless you can fly..." "Come on, come on." "Let's go!" "All right." "Guys, come on." "Even if you leave the car, they're still gonna arrest you at home." "But they're not gonna arrest you." "Come on!" "Down the alley." "Go!" "Adam 12 to dispatch of the 29th alleyway of 3rd and 4th... we're requesting additional units, over." "Let's head 'em off at Temple." "Let's move, let's move" "Come on!" "Hey, wait for the white people!" "Oh, watch out for that." "Hey, hey, hey!" "We lost them." "Who are the baddest bitches on the planet?" "We are!" "Nobody's fucking with us!" "I'd hug you right now..." "if I had arms." "I guess I got a little carried away." "Just a teeny tiny." "Hey, do you have a bobby pin?" "Sparkly or regular?" "Fallon!" "Jeez." "Give it here." "Wake your ass up, ho." "Huh?" "This is my souvenir." "Wait." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "Oh yeah." "My money." "For such a bad night, it was actually pretty good." "We have Guy to thank for this." "You rocked harder than Eric Carr." "The Fox." "You're a stand-up guy, Guy." "Hey, you too." "Well..." "I get it." "I gotta get this one to bed." "Bye, guys." "Guy, you can drive me any time." "As soon as I get out of jail." "Ahh, hold me." "You're taking the dog out." "Can you wait a bit?" "It'll just be a sec, I gotta take her bags up." "Well, actually, it might be more than a sec." "I wanna show you something." "After all you've done, you deserve a reward." "Can I get you a drink?" "Ahh..." "No, thank you, I'm good." "I'll be right back." "Wow." "This is an impressive amount of tea pots here." "Thanks." "Yeah, I've been collecting 'em forever." "They're mostly vintage." "I'm really into animal ones." "I've gotten some sick deals on eBay." "See that elephant one with the pink flower?" "Guess how much I paid for that?" "Uh, fifteen dollars?" "Ninety-nine cents." "Plus shipping." "You can't beat that with a stick." "Wow." "No, that is a sick deal." "Wow, yeah..." "Your place is... very tastefully done." "I'm glad you're noticing these things." "It's good, considering why I brought you here." "I want to show you something." "Something very personal." "It's mine, that land." "The only thing it's missing is a house." "A tasteful house." "You realize, building a house from the ground up is incredibly expensive." "I mean, it could be hundreds of thousands of dollars." "Guy, what do you know about me?" "Not much." "What's one thing you do know?" "You like money?" "And do you think I spend it, or save it?" "Save it?" "And if I've been saving for eleven years, how much do you think I have?" "A lot?" "Try a fuck of a lot." "So when can I see those drawings?" "Next week." "Definitely." "I expect a friends and family discount." "Yeah, without a doubt." "Let me give you my lawyer's details." "Have your wife call as soon as the police arrest you." "Tell her Patricia referred you." "That's your real name?" "Patricia?" "Patricia Cornbluth." "Now beat it." "I need my beauty sleep." "Thank you." "Patricia..." "Cornbluth." "Oh, and, Guy?" "When you come back with those drawings... these will be waiting for you." "I can't wait." "You came back." "Anne..." "I am so sorry that I got us into this mess, but Nikki... she has this lawyer who will handle the entire thing, and she might not charge us, as a favor to Nikki." "I think if I go peacefully, maybe they won't come down too hard on me." "What are you talking about?" "Weren't... they here?" "The police?" "No." "Did they call?" "No, Guy, no police have come or called." "What the hell is going on?" "Maybe I dreamt the whole thing." "Are you in some kind of trouble?" "Maybe not." "I'm glad you're back." "I didn't think you were coming back after my mini meltdown." "You're allowed to have a meltdown." "Of course I was coming back." "How else was I gonna be able to give you this?" "What did you have to do to get all this?" "You don't wanna know." "Actually, I do." "Okay." "I'll tell you everything." "Because..." "Because the police are probably going to come here and take me away." "So, umm..." "What?" "But I want you to know that..." "I don't care anymore about ducks being in a row." "I don't." "Ducks be damned." "As long as I have you and our daughter..." "Ducks can go fuck themselves." "I don't think that would be a good idea." "Then there'd just be more to take care of." "Is that..." "is that a siren?" "No." "That is the John Lennon mobile" "I attached to the crib." "I assembled it myself... and a few other things." "Isn't this that Volvo we were lookin' for." "It is that Volvo we were lookin' for." "Motherfucker's behind on like, six payments." "Let's go repo that shit." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Hoped it Helped!" "ALDEN"