"( theme music playing )" "you find me dressed up like the dinner of a dog in order to be the best man at the wedding of monsieur leclerc-- the getaway driver, to my wife's mother-- the pain in the neck." "thank you for coming." "this whole charade was arranged so the reception can be held in a marquee at the back of my cafe." "nice to see you." "this marquee conceals, would you believe, a collapsible barrage balloon waiting inflated by 12 cylinders of helium disguised as prized vegetable marrows from algeria?" "the british airmen are disguised so that no one will recognize them." "( grunting ) jolly good wedding!" "bang on." "the bride and the groom have just been signing the register." "here they come now." "wake up, ernest!" "marrows!" "marrows!" "who would like to buy algerian-  shut up!" " mama, are you looking forward to your honeymoon?" "oh, i thought this was it." "( wailing ) is this any way to treat a poor old bride?" "please!" "over here!" "can i have the family against the church wall, please?" "but what is happening?" "monsieur alfonse wants you against the church wall, mama." "but is this customary?" "that is good." "can i have the bridesmaids behind?" "hurry!" "can the bridegroom get up?" "( grunts )" "mind your own business." "smile, please." "that's a simple rural scene." "an everyday story of simple countryfolk." "and if they do not surrender the airmen, the general will blow them all up." "we could refer the matter to a higher authority, so we do not carry the can." "quite right, gruber." "we'll see that general von flockenstuffen gets the message." "the general von flockenstuffen?" "this is the general who is a bit this way, that way?" "that is the one." "lieutenant gruber will give him the message." "is everybody prepared?" "ooh!" "hold tight, ernest." "we are about to hit the cobbles." "yes yes yes." " forward!" " ( guests cheering )" "good luck, mama!" "aw... we should have had an old boot on the back." "you already have an old boot in the bed." "( pounds on door ) who is this?" "it is i, von smallhausen." "give the password." "i do not know the password." "then stay in the passage forever." "abracadabra!" "dib dib dib!" "why are you got up in the manner of a boy scout?" "in order to enter the general's quarters in the chateau." " it is bob-a-job week." " did it work?" "like a dream." "the general first admired my woggle, and then he told me to clean his medals." "during this, i obtained a map of the position of the mines with which the general is about to blow up nouvion." "well done, von smallhausen." "did the general remember the shilling?" "i have it here." "good." "you may contribute it to the home for fallen gestapo gentlewomen." "where exactly is this home?" "you do not get that information for one shilling." "you will be all right there, mama." "a bit cramped here." "can we not move this canvas, please?" "you fool!" "that canvas is the barrage balloon!" "but there is no room for our feet!" "that is because under the table are 20 prize-winning vegetable marrows which contain the helium gas cylinders." "my girls are even now at this moment connecting them all up, so that with the turn of one valve, the balloon will inflate in a matter of seconds." " ( clattering ) - shh!" "sorry." "how will the airmen travel?" "a basket will be brought in to take in the rubbish after the reception." "this basket will be attached by four ropes to the balloon." " psst!" " have you finished?" "we have done our best." "all the marrows are connected together." "unfortunately, some of the connections are imperial, and they should have been whitworth." "i do not know how well they will hold." "( flatulence )" "( high-pitched ) i'm glad that is over!" "why is she speaking like donald the duck?" "she has inhaled the helium gas." "it tightens the vocal cords." "is it dangerous?" "not if you are amongst friends." "look, these two are fast asleep." "can we not abandon this farce and go back into the cafe?" "no, the germans are here." "the will be suspicious if we do not go through with it." "besides which, i am not going to waste all these sandwiches." "colonel, come in, sit down." "how honored we are to have you with us." "this is the first peasant wedding we've attended." "how are the bride and groom?" "oh, looking forward to a good blowout, you know." "( flatulence ) it is i, leclerc." "rene, we must warn you, there's been a serious development." "the general has hidden a 500-lb bomb in the sewer under your cafe." "you no hand-a back the airmen, your cafe, he go poof!" "i will mention this to the resistance... who, of course, i do not know." "edith, there is a bomb in the sewer under the cafe." "there is nothing we can do about it now." " what-- - quick." "you are the best man." "start the speeches." " what speeches?" " it is the custom that you as best man introduce the father of the bride." "that will be a good trick." "here, i have made a few notes." "get up and say something." " what?" " ( tapping ) ahem, eh... ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the wedding." "thank you all for coming." "i cannot introduce the father of the bride on this occasion because, unfortunately, he lost his life during the storming of the bastille." "good heavens, how old is she?" "i'm sorry, i will read that again." "he lost his life in a storm outside the bastille." "but i am sure that his heart would have been warmed today to see his only daughter in bed with the man that she has chosen to spend the rest of her life with." " ( both snoring ) - so let us... let us wish them many weeks of happiness." "i now call upon the bridegroom." "wake him up." "( gasps ) marrows?" "marrows?" "who will buy my vegetable marrows?" " shut up." " you have to make a speech." " eh, what?" " thank the bridesmaids." "why?" "what have they done?" "say how beautiful they are." "how beautiful they-- that one has a mustache." "never mind." "cut the cake!" " oh." " ( grunting )" " monsieur." " oh yes, thank you." "rene, i have just been down to the cellar to get some wine, and there was a big bomb down there." "but the colonel told me it was in the sewer." "well, it is in the cellar." "we'll come and investigate as soon as they have cut the cake." "give me the knife." "fanny, do not cut too deep!" "( gas hissing ) the cylinders are leaking!" "quick!" "get under the table and try to stop it!" "uh..." "play some music." "monsieur alfonse, the wedding song." "♪ oh, how they danced ♪" "♪ on the night they were wed ♪" "♪ they danced and they danced... ♪" "♪ though they both were in bed ♪" "♪ the night was in bloom ♪" "( high-pitched ) ♪ there were stars in the sky... ♪" "( high-pitched singing continues )" "according to your map, von smallhausen, one of the explosive devices should be just about here." "i think i have found it, herr flick!" "my my, what a whopper!" "it must weigh half a ton!" "it is a mark nine mine!" "it is in the gestapo handbook on the diffusing of explosives." "now..." ""behind the panel is the detonator." "to make the mine safe, first remove the panel."" "( ticking ) something is ticking." "there's some writing on the back of the panel, herr flick." "what does it say?" ""the opening of this door activates the timing mechanism." "disconnection procedure must be carried out forthwith."" "turn to the chapter headed "disconnection procedure."" "mark nine mine-- ah!" "here's a map of the circuit." "it is headed "three-minute fuse."" "does this mean it will explode in three minutes, herr flick?" "quite possibly." "you will follow the instructions to the letter." "you will announce each move that you make on this microphone." "i will listen to you and take notes from my position in the street." "should you make an error, i will be able to learn from your mistake." "my god!" "look at the size of it!" "it is a big one." "one here and one in the sewer." "oh, that settles it." "this has gone far enough." "i am going to give the airmen up." " i think you are right, rene." " i will tell the colonel where he can find them-- no, it must never be known that you have betrayed them." "it would tarnish your reputation as hero of the resistance." "you must make an anonymous telephone call." "yes, you are right." "you go back to the wedding before you are missed." "i will make the call." "go out the back way." "oh hello, claudette." "get me the office of general von klinkerhoffen, will you?" "uh, hello?" "is that the office of general von klinkerhoffen?" "eh, this is an anonymous peasant." "put down that phone!" "this is an anonymous peasant who has got the wrong number." " louise!" " rene." "what are you doing here?" "i am now in charge of the communist resistance, abbeyville sub-branch, action division." "we've heard of a threat to blow up your town, and we have come to save you." "will you put that gun down for a start?" " oh, rene!" " oh, louise!" " oh, it is good to see you again." " ( both moaning ) oh, it is good to feel your strong cheek against my strong cheek." "oh, and your strong arms around my strong arms." "run your strong fingers through my strong hair." "i would ask you to do the same thing, but the last time you were here, you wore it out." "oh, rene, how well i remember it all." "oh, it seems like yesterday." "feeding you ham sandwiches in the wardrobe." " hiding from the germans." " and the wife." "rene, we have heard that general von klinkerhoffen is going to blow up nouvion." " yeah." " we have a plan, so you need not worry." "i am a little bit worried." "there is a bomb in the sewer under the cafe and a 500-lb bomb in the cellar just under our feet!" "the one in the cellar was put there by my people." " what on earth for?" " i cannot tell you, but it is all part of the plan." "excuse me, i must make a phone call." "what are you doing?" "i'm ringing the insurance company to double my coverage." "do that later." "get the colonel in here!" "von smallhausen:" "i have removed the detonator so it cannot set off the main charge." "i will now render the detonator harmless." "how much time do i have?" " 25 seconds." " not very much, herr flick." "it is surprising how time passes when you are not enjoying yourself." "i will count for you." "16, 15, 14" "it would seem that my watch is slow." " is he coming?" " yes, but look, louise, i do not like the way you are involving me in all this skullduggery." "i am just simple coward who wishes to lead a quiet life." " ( footsteps ) - shut up. i hear him coming." " rene?" " colonel." "i've had a message that you require to see me urgently." "have you decided to tell me the whereabouts of the british airmen?" "well, yes and no." " put up your hands!" " agh!" "rene!" "you've betrayed me!" "well, it was at gunpoint, colonel." "i do not know these people." "get your fat hands above your bald head!" "i don't know who they are, but they are very rude!" " somebody is coming!" " hide hide hide." " ( bell dings ) - quick!" "a large cognac." "two!" "two large cognacs." " put up your hands!" " ( gasps ) troubles never come singly!" "so, rene artois, you are revealed at last in your true colors as a worker for the resistance." "oh no, herr flick!" "i was just going about my business when all these girls burst in brandishing guns." "then why are you not holding up your hands?" "well, i'm getting your cognac." "i cannot get your cognac with my hands in the air." "enough of all this." "get through that door." " where are they taking us?" " to the cellar." "well, if it has anything to do with the blowing up of nouvion, it was not my idea!" "you come with us, rene." "( moans ) it's a real mystery." "the colonel said he would only be a couple of minutes, that was an hour ago." "general von flockenstuffen is here." "oh dear, what are we going to do?" "you'd better show him in." "( yells ) general von flockenstuffen!" " hell hitler." " germans: hell hitler." "hell mussolini!" "that will be the day." "gruber!" "how nice to see you again." " where's the colonel?" " he is missing." " well, didn't he know i was here?" " yes, general." "well, he should be here." "i am very important." "well, between me and you, hubert-- i hear disturbing things about klinkerhoffen." "is he serious in his intention to blow up the town?" "he is very earnest." "he has-a been-a this way since the barney about the escape of the british airmen." "he said he would depress the plunger personally." "oh dear me, dear me." "even at junior staff college, he was a bit of a hothead." "whenever we had a fancy-dress ball, he always came dressed as attila the hun." "we always used to go dressed as nuns and schoolgirls." "those were the days, weren't they?" "in italian staff college, we went dressed as the men." "you could have fooled me in that hat." "excuse me, rene artois is outside." "he says he has news of the colonel." "he said he was brought here at gunpoint by the resistance under rather trying circumstances." " who is this rene artois?" " a friendly peasant." "well, show him in." "( yells ) come in here!" "yes, he does look rather friendly." "how long has he had the hernia?" "rene, you have news of the colonel?" "oh, it is terrible." "he has been abducted by the communist resistance-  who i do not know." " how do you know it was the communist resistance?" "well, they gave me this message on their headed notepaper." " ahem..." " yes, sir." ""colonel von strohm is being held as a hostage together with herr flick and herr von smallhausen of the gestapo." "they have been placed next to a 500-lb bomb." "if you proceed with the plan to blow up the town, they also will be blown up." "yours faithfully..."" "these communists, they stop at nothing, huh?" "did you recognize their faces?" "oh, they were rough peasant women, not our sort at all." " where have they taken them?" " i do not know." "they did not tell me anything because i do not know them, and-and what is more, they blindfolded me, and took away my trousers." "they could be anywhere." "what are we going to do?" "well, this is piggy's area." "i simply better send for him and see what he has to say." "excuse me, what about this lock?" "i could always shoot it off, hmm?" "i could try my keys." "i will-- i will settle for the bullet." "can anyone wriggle anything free?" "nothing that would be of any use to us." "can you not release the secret gestapo cutting tool from the false heel of your gestapo boot?" "they're at the mender's." "they'll be back on thursday." "this is all the fault of your stupid piggy-faced general!" "next time i see him i will tell him what you said." "sneak!" "with my keen eye i have spotted wires running from the clock." "my analytical mind tells me that if we interfere with the movement of the hand, we will prevent the detonation." "i have managed to undo a knot!" "i think i could hop over there." "well, get on with it!" "it's no good." "i cannot reach high enough." "stop the big hand with your nose." "i have to stand on tiptoe." "it's not very comfortable." "never mind." "it's only for 24 hours." "( knock on door )" "( both laugh )" "( yells ) general von klinkerhoffen!" "hello, piggy." "von flockenstuffen, what brings you to my headquarters?" "we hear you're having a little run-in with the resistance." "there's no problem." "if they do not produce the airmen, i am going to press this plunger, which will blow up the town!" "isn't that a little severe?" "my patience has been tried to the limit." "we must show these froggy upstarts who are the masters!" "we must teach them a lesson they will not forget." "general, in your absence, the colonel has been abducted and is at this very moment sitting on a bomb with herr flick and his little assistant von smallhausen." "the resistance sent us a note saying that if you proceed with your plan, they will explode all three of them." "what is the life of one colonel and a couple of gestapo officers compared to keeping law and order, and subjugating these terrorists that call themselves resistance?" "the victorious german army has swept across europe, crushing everything in its path!" "are we to allow these people to cock snooks at us?" "and if the price of final victory is the life of a colonel and a couple of gestapo officers, so be it!" "yes." "piggy, old boy, when was the last time you had a holiday?" "baden-baden '38." "you were both there!" "we went to a fancy-dress ball at the baths." "i went as attila the hun!" "get me the military hospital." "fruitcake department." " aw..." " they're still asleep." "oh, leave them there." "we can take them up to their room later." "( groans ) oh, rene, i am so glad you are safe." " yes yes." " did you deliver the note?" "yes yes, they have it." "now can i please have my trousers?" "they will not be blowing up the town while we have the hostages." "the airmen must go as soon as it is dark." " where is the basket?" " officer crabtree is supervising it." "here is the biscuit." "we're not going back to england dressed like this, are we?" "helmet and goggles are in the basket." "good." "how i wash you and i could flew away together, high up in the clods." "could we not stew away together in the biscuit?" "no, we wee too much." "we have a bit a problem." "the main valve is leaking." "gas is leaking into the balloon." "go back and tighten it." "here is a wrench." "where is the ballast for the basket?" " oh, there are sandbags outside." " get them." "can they not go now?" "what, in broad daylight?" "of course not!" "we will have to wait until night falls." "do you not realize they will start to search for the colonel?" "this place could be crawling with germans any minute!" "( flatulence )" "( high-pitched ) crikey, i have burst the valve!" "the balloon is filling!" "quick, tie the ropes to the basket!" "there is no ballast!" "it will not hold down the balloon!" "tie the rope to the bed!" "we will lose the balloon!" "( glass shattering ) edith: rene!" "( women screaming )" "that should hold it." "( crowd clamoring )" "oh my god, it is lifting the bed!" "hold tight, mama!" "ernest?" "ernest, wake up!" "it is rising." "it is rising!" "marrows!" "marrows!" "who will buy my lovely algerian marrows?" "( screaming )" "oh, rene!" "we have lost my mother!" "do not worry." "we have gained a bedroom." "what are you putting me into this bed for?" "there's nothing the matter with me!" "take it easy, old chap." "you've been overdoing it." "the nurse here will give you a nice little injection, and when you wake up, you'll be the same old piggy that we all know and love." "go away!" "i do not want an injection!" "i'm just as sane as you are!" "oh, on second thought... nurse, the needle." "( theme music playing )"