"These aren't bad." "Great." "I'll ring them right up." "But I don't love them." "Let's put them in the "maybe" pile." "Ma'am, my back is killing me." "Unfortunately, not fast enough." "I just don't see anything I like." "You ought to be sitting on this stool." "Got more shoes for our delightful customer." "She's gone." "Picky bitch." " Are you talking to me?" " No, no, no." "I'm talking to him." "Picky bitch." "Well, I see, as usual, you have outdone yourselves with the store display." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Listen, morons, I've decided to restock the store." "So I'm donating all of these old shoes to poor Filipino orphans." "Well, they made them, why would they want them back?" "Just pack them up." "Excuse me, I've got to go shopping." "I'm going on a cruise, and I wanna look good." "For her to look good, she'd have to stand next to a real ugly tuna." "Hi, got your lunch." " Oh, good." " Thank you." " Griff, give her the money." " I don't have any money." "Well, I don't have any money." "Well, you know, I could take those sandals instead." "You know, a little trade?" "Hey..." " You got a deal." " Cool." "And while you're at it, take yourself a pair of Peds." "All right, Lucky, the dishes are all done." "Now it's time to do Al's laundry." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, anyone who doesn't think Delta Burke is a major talent is someone I don't wanna do business with." "Hey." "Guess what." "I finally got my masseuse license." "You know what that means?" "You can rub men and finally get paid for it?" "No, master of self-massage it means, as a licensed masseuse, I can make some money" "Oh, yeah, I guess you're right, huh?" "So, Mom, you look pretty stressed." "Do you wanna go first?" "Well, I guess Mom can wait." "How about you?" "Well, I am a little tense." "Getting Delta Burke a job isn't as easy as I thought it would be." "Here, hop on the table." "Come on." " All right." " All right, let's see." "Okay." "Oh, Kelly, that feels good." "Yeah." "See, the key to it is pressure." "Because if you press in the wrong place, you could" "You could really hurt someone." "Here, let's try this one." " No, stop." "Kelly, stop." "Please." " It's really a good one though." "Well, there's a sound I haven't heard before." "Oh, my God." "I can't move my legs." "I can't move my legs." "That's not true." "They're twitching." "I really, really think I'm gonna need some help here." "Okay." "Well, I guess I better go take another lesson then, huh?" " Okay, bye." " No, Kelly." "Don't leave!" "Kelly, don't leave, please!" "Mom!" "You know, this bartering stuff is great." "I wonder why people didn't think of this thousands of years ago." "You know, it's kind of hard to barter when you got a T. rex chasing your ass." "Hey." "This here looks expensive, huh?" "My back is killing me." "The view is killing me." "Hey." "How come this chair has an on-and-off switch?" "Because that is the Swedish Ecstasy 5000." "This massage chair is so amazing other massage chairs sit in it when they want to relax." "Some people say the Swedish Ecstasy 5000 is almost as good as sex." "They're crazy." "It's much better." " We'll take it." " Well, that will be $3000." "Three thousand dollars?" "For that we could have actual sex with Swedish girls." "Yeah." "Yes." "Well, maybe we couldn't, but some guys could." "That's another great feature of this chair." " It will never say no to you." " Yeah." "Spit on you and call you a shoe man." "Or lard butt." "Or spoon-billed." "Well, that only happened once." "My friend, you're in luck." "We're in the barter business." "Now, how many shoes would you take for this here chair?" "One." "As long as there's $3000 stuffed in it." "Come on." "We're both mall guys." "What would you take for that chair?" "Well, it's too bad you guys don't work in the sporting goods store because I'd trade that chair for a set of graphite golf clubs." "That can be arranged." "So, what do you say?" "I say I'll give you the clubs for 50 pairs of stiletto heels." "Size 12." "Don't ask." "Who are we to judge?" "And a push-up bra." "Maybe we'll judge a little." "Deal." "Okay." "Now, Bud can you feel this?" "No." "All right." "How about this?" "That's good." "That's good." "It means it hasn't spread." "Kelly, I'm in a lot of pain here." "Oh, and I'm not?" "Do you have any idea what watching Oprah at this angle is doing to my neck?" "Mommy, please call the doctor." "Oh, what good's a doctor, Bud?" "All they're gonna do is stick you with needles and check your temperature." "Speaking of which..." "Well, if you were a pot roast, you'd be done by now." "Don't worry, Bud." "I'm here to help." "I've been in more massage parlors than anyone in the world." "All right, I think I have an idea." "Put Bud on the table." " All right." " All right." "Why--?" "What--?" "No, I don't" "Okay." "Now what?" "Nothing." "I just wanted the couch." "All right, Bud." "Here we go." "Here we go." "Now, this is a little something that I picked up in a massage parlor in the Far East." "Well, actually, I picked up a few things in that massage parlor but this is one that I can pass on to you." "Here we go." "Here we go." "Here we go." "Okay, now, Bud, I am going to manipulate your vertebrae while twisting your neck clockwise." " Oh, be careful." " Here we go." "And..." "Or was that counter clockwise?" "Oh, God, now I can't move at all!" "Well, on the plus side, you clot well." "Al, don't you think all this trading is getting a little out of hand?" "What do you mean?" "Oh, just a hunch." "Very simple, Griff." "To get the chair, we had to get the golf clubs." "To get the golf clubs, we had to get that push-up bra." "To get the push-up bra, we had to give them the kayak and that apology for the detour through the fitting room." "Now all we need to do is get this driving mower to the Gap and Mr. Zippy the chimp to Hickory Farms." "I hope they don't let him roll the cheese logs." "Hi, I need a pair of shoes." "Well, what are you doing here?" "You need shoes, you go to the Hallmark store." "And if you need pantyhose, you gotta go to the Beef Bowl." "Good day." "Al, are you sure this is gonna work out?" "Trust me." "I've thought of everything." "Nothing can go wrong." " Freeze." " You're busted." "What did we do?" "You're in violation of Mall Code 274, illegal bartering." "Bar" " Bar" " Bartering?" "But who's bartering?" "Then what's all this merchandise doing here?" "Well, if you wipe the Clearasil out of your eyes, officer you would have seen that the sign says:" ""Gary's Shoes and Accessories."" "See, all this stuff, they're accessories." "A barbecue grill?" "Well, sure, maybe to you but to a discriminating consumer, this is a foot warmer." "All right, that makes sense." "But what about this?" "That is..." "That's for our customer lounge." "Welcome to the shoe room, gentlemen." "Any requests?" "Come on, Bundy." "Hey, hey, hey." "Keep your voice down." "There's no reason to shout." "Come on, we all work in the same mall." "Why are you giving me the shaft?" "Let's take five, Little Stevie." "Now, listen, I know that you guys are just doing your job you know, between doughnut runs but let's talk about a little payola, you know?" "A little greasing of the wheel." "A little something for the widows and orphans fund." "No way, Bundy." "We want free stuff." "And Griff plays at the Mall Policeman's Ball." "Deal." "As long as it's not on Saturday." "See, I booked me a bar mitzvah." "Stop that!" "Come on, Bud, you have to cooperate or we're not gonna take you to the chiropractor." "Oh, are you sure he's good?" "Of course he's good." "His office is in the mall." " Come on, let's hurry up." " Here we go." "Okay, okay." " Okay." " That's good." "There you go, buddy." "It should work." "Need I remind you people that we have to go through a tunnel?" "Someone's cranky." "All right." "Let's put him in the trunk." " Yeah." " Okay." "Here we go." "No, no, no." "That's not a good idea." "Why, you can't even feel your legs." " The trunk is not a good idea." " Yes, it is." "Come on, Bud, you didn't mind going in the trunk when we had to go to the drive-in or grandma's or California." " Get the trunk." " Well, push over." "Stop, I don't want-- I'm not getting in the trunk." "No." "Don't even--!" "I'm sorry, Bud." "Let me out." "His legs are moving." "You big faker." "All right, look." "I have a better idea." "Take him out of the trunk." " All right." " Come on." "Come on, Bud." "Oh, jeez." "Hey, this is a great idea tying Bud to the roof." " You said tie him to the roof?" " Yeah." "I thought you said put him in a tie." "Oh, no." "Slow down." "What'd he say?" " I think he said stop." " Okay." "Oh, that had to hurt." "Well, I hope you enjoy your Bustisizer." "I sure have." "Al, your chair is here." "Gary's Shoes." "Well, Gary's." "Hello, chair." "Al, we're in big trouble." "That was Gary." "She found out that retro was in, and she wants all the shoes back." "But we gave all those shoes away." " Calm down." " Calm down?" "This is all your fault, Griff." "My fault?" "This was all your idea." "Hey, now, let's not place blame here." "How we gonna get the shoes back?" "Well, we've gotta trade for everything back." "Including the chair." " Not the chair." " Al what good is a massage chair gonna do you in prison when a guy named Lava Joe has just made you his bride?" "I love this store." "What about the chiropractor?" "Bud, you saw those prices." "We're not made out of money, you know." "Oh, look." "A titanium showerhead." "Oh, and it's only $400." "I'll take it." "This is the worst day of my life." "Well, I guess it's okay to tell you that Delta Burke called and she fired you." "I'm sorry." "It doesn't get any lower than that." "Hey, Bud you know what I do when I'm feeling blue?" "I tan my troubles away." "Oh, that's a good idea." "There you go, sweetie." "There you go." "I don't know if this is such a good idea." "See, I'm fair-skinned." "Foosball." "Best three out of two?" " You're on." " Okay." "Hey, Bundy love the clubs." "Hey, that's good." "Give them back to us." "No way." "They've taken eight strokes off my game." "But see, we traded back everything we traded for for the chair." "Even Mr. Zippy the chimp, who didn't wanna go." "And I'm not ashamed to say it, I'm gonna miss the little fellow." "So be a pal, help us out." "But we're not pals." "I don't like you." "But I like you." "Beat it." "Hey, Peg." "What are you doing up?" "Well one of us has to be an attentive parent." "Bud is in serious trouble." "He's" "He's burning." "Sorry, Bud, we..." "Oh, we kind of lost track of time." "But..." "Gee, you..." "You look great." "You smell like chicken." "Bud boy?" "Daddy." "Dad?" "They're trying to kill me, you know?" "Welcome to my world, son." "All right." "What did you do to the boy?" "Well, I massaged him and then" "And now he can't walk." "You massaged him and now he's paralyzed." "Great." "I got a good idea." "Help me here." " Bud, come here, son." " What are you doing?" "Don't worry." "We'll take good care of you." "Get him over to the chair." "Come on over here." "Easy, boy." "There." "Attention, mall shoppers." "You see what this chair did to my only son?" "It paralyzed him and it burned him." "Cut him down in his prime." "All thanks to this evil chair." "What the hell are you guys trying to pull?" "I'm trying to save my sorry son's life." "Hey, Dad I think I'm starting to be able to move here." "Oh, my spine!" "All right." "All right." "Take the clubs." "Just get the hell out of here." "Come on, Griff, let's go." "A pleasure doing business with you, sir." "My skin is fried." "Well, here, maybe this will cool you off." "That's not gonna work." "Here." "No" "Kelly!" "Thank you, Kelly." "That felt real good." "Well, just as I suspected you two slugs haven't moved a muscle since I left." "Jeez, you guys could get some exercise." "It's just that your beauty has left us breathless." "You'll have to wait in line because I met a special someone on that cruise." "He's picking me up." "I just need a minute to make myself pretty." "She's gonna need a little bit more than a minute, huh?" "Al, you sure you cleared out all that stuff back there?" "Yes, I'm sure." "That's one desperate little chimp, huh?" "Don't go away, we'll be right back." "I told you, I'm in a hurry."