"My name is Earl." "[Earl Narrating] Sunday afternoons in Camden County are always kinda depressing." "In the morning, Randy starts reading the comics... but, by midafternoon, he finishes and starts to get bored." "Also, by Sunday, the Crab Shack runs out of their food supply for the week." "Just so you know, we're all out of seafood and meat." " I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich." " We're out of bread and cheese." "Basically, we've got pickled eggs and a basket of those little jellies." "Need any more time?" " # [Rock, Indistinct]" " Plus the pool cues were broken from the Saturday night fights." "The pinball machine shorted out from being spilled on... and the vending machines were empty too." "[Synthesized Voice] You're out of menthols." "And mothers who'd left their kids with Grandma on Saturday night... were dreading'picking 'em up." "I know I said 3:00, Mom, but I'm stuck in traffic." "Oh, my God." "Some guy just cut me off." " Pick a lane!" " Hang up and drive, bitch." "Gotta go." "I'll be there at 5:00, Mom." "Nice actin', Tim." "You still got it." "And since the kegs were empty and only serving foam... people sobered up and were forced to take a hard look at their lives." "I should've joined the navy while I was young and attractive." "Why didn't I move outta the way when she threw that bowling ball?" "What have I done with my life?" "I've got a master's degree." "Yep." "Sundays were rough." "But every once in a while- about every five months or so- something would happen that would change everything." "Oh, my God." "It's comin' on." "It's comin' on right now!" "Randy was talkin'about a rerun of a TVshow from 2003." "A few years back, a TVshow came to film in Camden County... and we were lucky enough to be on it." " ## [Theme Plays] - [Crowd Singing Theme Song]" "## [Singing Continues]" "## [Ends]" "[TVAnnouncer] All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court oflaw." "We're on our way to Pimmit Hills Trailer Park." "We go there a lot." "This is a domestic disturbance." "It's usually the Hickeys." "Fine.!" "If you'd rather hang out with your big idiot brother instead of me, go ahead." "I hope you enjoy licking' the massage jelly off of his thighs." " That's the peach flavor." " Come on, baby." "Me and Randy got things to do." " [Police Radio, Indistinct]" " Oh, come on." "Who called the cops?" "I wish you nosy bastards would learn to mind your own bus" " Ow!" "[Bleeps]" " That's peppermint." "I hope you found it refreshing." "Ma'am, would you like me to call a domestic counselor for you?" "Hey, they got cameras." "Are we on Cops?" "I love that show." "## [Singing]" "What seems to be the cause of the argument?" "I spent $46 on romantic novelties... and my husband wants to go out stealing' with his brother." " Uh, she doesn't mean stealing' stealin'." " [Mouthing Words]" "She's from Canada, and "stealing"' means working and obeying the law." "Eh?" "Hey, I've never been on TVbefore." "You guys aren't doin' that blurry thing on my face, are you?" "[Bowden] What's in the box?" "Uh, collectibles." "Garage door openers?" "You wouldn't know anything about a rash of garage robberies lately?" " # [Theme Song Plays]" " Hey!" "Hey!" "Stop right there!" " Stop right there.!" " Later, pig!" "# [Continues]" "[Bicycle Crashes]" "Stuart Daniels." "Camden County police officer." "Four-year veteran of the force." "My Social Security number:" "553- [Bleeps] 62." "[Female Dispatcher On Police Radio] All units." "All units." " Be on the lookout for a white male- - [Clicks Off]" "Yeah, it's a good job." "Good pension." "Don't really like gettin' shot at, but, uh, I do get dental." "See that?" "See this?" " Porcelain veneers." " Officer!" "Officer!" "Oh, my God." "Did someone just do that to you?" " Are they still around?" " No, Officer, it's not my leg." "It's the jackass who won't get off his front lawn!" "Roger that." "You're goin' to jail, Donny!" "Sir, you're gonna have to put some clothes on." "Uh-uh." "I'm a free American." "My- [Bleeps] grandaddy... fought for my- [Bleeps] Right to be- [Bleeps] naked... on my- [Bleeps] lawn." "Sir, I don't know what war you're referring to... but you're gonna have to get some clothes on." "# [Car Radio:" "Man Singing Rock]" "Stay away, sir." "This is police business." " What's in the box?" " Uh, nothin'." "Just some rocks." " See?" " [Rattling]" "Uh-huh." "Uh" " That's weird." "[Chuckles]" "Hey, Officer." "How's this?" "I got on my snake pants." " Do a spin for me." " [Scoffs]" "Okay?" " Eh, good enough." " That's what I thought." "# [Radio Continues]" "# [Background:" "Loud Rap]" "Thank the good Lord you're here." "You can't hear yourself think, it's so loud." "Now, I was gonna" "My goodness." "There's cameras?" "Hold on." "Come with me." "Now you can hear it on the other side of the apartment." "We just moved to town, and I haven't gotten a good night's sleep yet." "Ma'am, whose bedroom is this?" "Oh, that's my grandson's." "He's wonderful with plants." "Different people page him all day long just to come and see them." "[Toilet Flushes]" "It's all right, peanut." "I just called them over here about that music." "Go on with your gardening, baby." "[Bowden] Hey.!" "Hey.!" "Stop right there.!" " [Siren Wailing] - [Brakes Squeal]" "[Police Radio, Indistinct] ... made a traffic stop." "... traffic until further notice." " [Bell Chimes]" " Drop your weapon, Vali." "You steal my battery." "No steal." "Steal." "Aw, sweet." "It's Cops again." "## [Singing]" "What the hell is goin'on here?" "This is a big misunderstanding', Officer." "Uh, these batteries are "buy one, get one free."" "We're not stealing." "We-We're just takin' the free ones out to the car... comin' back to buy the "buy" ones." "I swear." "[Clattering, Bumping]" " [Bell Chimes]" " It's not what you think." " [Grunts]" " Randy, let's get outta here!" "Hey!" "Hey, wait!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Did you get that?" "Whoo-hoo!" "Hey.!" "[Groaning]" "[Female Dispatcher] 60130 on Tach 2." " [Dispatcher] That's negative." " [Bowman] We're headed back to Pimmit Hills." "Something about these trailer park people." "When they get agitated, they like to climb up on things." "Roofs, trees, water towers." "Lot of them fall off." "[Crowd Shouting, Cheering]" "Ma'am!" "Ma'am!" "I need you to come down from there." "I'll come down when I'm done bustin' up my husband's stuff or when I have to pee." " Meanwhile, heads up." " [Shouting, Cheering]" "Folks.!" "Folks.!" "Please don't encourage her." "This is a dangerous situation." "She might fall." "[Chanting] Fall!" "Fall!" "Fall!" "Fall!" "Hey, everybody." "Take a step back." "Gettin' ready to throw this bowling' ball down on that Def Leppard wall mirror." "A piece might shatter off and hit you in the face." "[Chattering]" "[Screaming, Groaning]" "Oh, snap." " [Brakes Squealing]" " This always happens a few hours after the bars open." " The drunk drivers come out." " [Police Radio, Indistinct]" " [Tires Squealing]" " Well." "Does that say "Star Power"?" "Oh.!" "You know who that is?" "Yeah." "Camden has a celebrity living in its midst." "It's the actor from Son of the Beach- TV's Tim Stack." "[Siren Wails, Stops]" "[Door Opens]" "Mr. Stack." "Good to see you again." "Good evening, my good man." " You know who I am?" " Of course I do, Mr. Stack." "I'm TV's Tim Stack from movies and basic cable television." "Sixty-two items on my I mdb page." "Sixty-two." "But they screwed me." "They counted my Quincy two-parter as one thing." " Can I shoot something with your gun?" " You know what" "Mr. Stack, have you been drinking?" " Mr. Stack?" " No." "Okay." "That's good enough for me." "You have a safe drive home." "He was on Punky Brewster, so he's a hero to me." "I give him a little leeway." "Besides, it's a straight shot home once he passes the school." "[School Bell Rings]" "[Children Shouting, Chattering]" "[Tires Screech]" "[Brakes Squeal]" "You stuck again, Patty?" "No." "I'm just tryin' to get my hand cold... for a client who's into dead people." " [Man] Get outta my face.!" " [Synthesized Voice] No, you" " No, you get outta my face!" " Get out of my face." " Make him get away from me!" " What is the problem?" "He tricked me into eating pork." "It's against my religion." "Ha, ha, ha, ha." " [Clears Throat] Camera." " It's not funny." " Ha, ha, ha, ha." " Stop!" "You fool!" "L-I can't hear you without the thing." "I heard you guys were in town filming'." "It's not the first time I've been on TV." "I had a client that took me to a wrestling' match." "We sat on the fifth row." "They put me on TV when I got hit by a chair." "I'm rollin' up on an 11-83." "[Police Radio, Indistinct]" "[Thumping]" "Sir, are you okay?" "And hello to you too." "I'd like a double cheeseburger, please." "Hola, baby." "You lookin'for a fiesta?" "I still got one free hand." "No." "Gracias." "We're movin' quick here." "I think it's a robbery in progress." "And it's in a garage, so it might be our friend from the trailer park." "[Dispatcher] 3:56." "A 2-40 occurred approximately 15 minutes ago." "Okay, freeze!" "Oh, no." "Uh, thi-this- this isn't a robbery." "I'm just cleaning' my garage, 'cause this is my home." "Man, I love stealing'." "Oops." "Hey, can you chase me?" "'Cause the chases always make it on Cops." "But don't chase me too hard 'cause I'm loaded down with this TV." " [Bowman, Earl Shouting]" " You probably can't run so fast carrying that camera either." "Wanna just put our stuff down and chase each other?" "[Dispatcher] ... use caution." " # [Theme Song Plays]" " Hey!" "Hey!" "Stop right there!" " Stop!" "That's my car!" " Hell, yeah!" "Who's got a cop car?" "Who's got a cop car?" "Bi-otch!" "[Imitating Siren]" "# [Continues]" " Freeze!" " Don't shoot!" "I'm in here!" "Don't shoot!" "Oh, sorry about that, man." "L" " I didn't see you back there." " You're not gonna kill me, are you?" " I wasn't planning' on it." "But then again, I wasn't plannin' on stealing' a cop car today either." "Tell you what." "You just keep filming'." "We'll see where it goes." "Man, I feel alive." "Whoo!" "Kick ass!" "I'm so- [Bleeps]" "[Man] Unit 27." "Copy." " [Police Radio, Indistinct]" " Me and my wife are havin' a domestic squabble." "I guess she's got the right to be mad." "I screw up a lot." "But one day, I'm gonna get my life together." "But not today, 'cause today I'm driving a stolen cop car." " How you doin' back there, Kevin?" "You scared?" " A little." "That's good." "I like that." " You got any kids, Kevin?" " Three." " They all the same color?" " Yes." "Not mine." "You know what's wild?" "The white one's the better athlete, and the black one's a little genius." "Sure taught me a lesson." "Damn it." "More cops?" "Y'all don't quit pickin' on me, I swear I'm gonna go Ruby Ridge." "Earl." "What the hell are you doin'?" "You said you wanted a date night, didn't you?" " Well, your chariot awaits." " You stole me a police car?" "Yep." "There's a hostage in the back too." "If you say somethin' scary, he'll show you pictures of his kids." " They're cute." " I love you so much, baby." "I am gonna- [Bleeps] Your- [Bleeping]" "With my sweet, sweet, sweet love- [Bleeping]" "Shh." "You had me at "balls."" "So you're taping' all this?" "When we get back, would you mind filming' me and Earl-You know." "I already asked him." "He's cool with it." "I told him none of that artsy "movin' the camera" stuff." " He promised to keep it tight on the business." " Sweet." "Hey, crank up the radio." "Find some Wu-Tang Clan." " Since when do you like rap music?" " I'm not cheatin' on you." "This is KennyJames's house." "Every other day, we're out here for something, either us or the firemen." "He's had to be revived by the lifeguard, Steve, at the public pool bunch of times." "Talk about bad luck." "Kenny." " # [Background:" "LightJazz]" " Oh." "Hi, Stuart." "I made oatmeal raisin, your favorite." " A-A camera?" " Yeah." "We're on Cops." " So you had another break-in?" " Uh" "Oh, damn." "A broken window." "Man, Kenny, somebody's really got it in for you." "Oh, that's odd." "All the broken glass seems to be on the outside." "Hmm." "Hey, what happened to your hand?" "Oh, uh" " Uh, that's from, uh, doing it with my girlfriend." "Yeah, we do it a lot." "She loves it- doing it." "You know, heterosexual doing it." "Sorry to have taken your time." "You guys can, uh, just head on out." "Well, if this harassment keeps up, I'll have to do a weekend stakeout." "I'll rent a movie." "[Siren Wailing]" "Watch this." "[Over Speaker] Would the driver please step out of the vehicle?" "Oh, crap!" "That's my ex-girlfriend." "She can't see me." "She thinks I'm dead." "Oh, hell, yeah." "This is gonna be fun." "Slut, put your hands on the vehicle and spread your legs." "I'm sure that's not gonna be a problem for you." "I'm not a slut." "I've only slept with one guy." "That was me." "I hit that." "Ma'am, your appearance appears to be drunken." "We're gonna have to give you a field sobriety test." " I'm not drunk." " We'll see about that." "If you fail the sobriety test, we're gonna shoot you in the face." " Oh, but I" " Hop on one foot in a straight line... while touching your fingers to your nose." "[Siren Wails, Stops]" "[Crying] Okay." "I was at church for a wedding." "I had two sips of champagne." "I didn't want to, but it was such a beautiful toast." "Please don't shoot me in the face!" "At this point, I'm on foot patrol... since my squad car got stolen." "I haven't called it in yet, 'cause I was thinkin'... that the perp might get cold feet and just show up any second." "Yeah, I think I'm gonna have to call it in." "Headquarters, this is Officer" "Hey.!" "Hey.!" "Freeze.!" "It's that guy from this morning- marijuana man!" "[Dogs Barking In Distance]" "[Clicks On]" "[Clicks Off]" "Is there a problem, Officer?" "We've located the suspect." "[Whimpering] When I came up here..." "I was just a'scared of goin' to jail... but I don't care about jail anymore." "I just don't wanna fall." "I don't wanna fall." "It's gonna hurt." "It's gonna hurt." "It's gonna hurt." "[Crying, Whimpering]" "It's gonna hurt." "We got a call on an abandoned police car." "I'm gonna go check it out." "God, I love kissing' you in a stolen government vehicle while someone films it." "I know." "This could become a habit." " [Tapping]" " Cops." "[Yelps]" "Freeze.!" "Police.!" " Freeze.!" " [Grunts]" " Okay." "Freeze!" "Freeze!" " [Groaning] Oh, God!" "I skinned my pecker." " Hands behind your back!" " I'm too scared to look." "Please tell me if it's bad." "Is it bad?" "Oh, that's a lot of gravel." "[Shrieks, Groans]" "Stop chasing' me, Kevin!" "Come on, man." "Be cool." "I'm not messin' around, Kevin." " [Grunts, Groans]" " You made me do it, Kevin!" "Unit 12." "Unit 12." "I need assistance." "I got a perp with a bloody wiener in the back of my car... and I got a cameraman down." "[Police Radio, Indistinct]" "Please don't take her." "[Whimpering, Crying] I'm scared." "Firemen tried to get him down with a ladder, but he bit a couple guys." "So, Plan "B."" "[Whimpering Continues]" "[Whimpers, Groans]" " # [Theme Song Plays] - [Dispatcher, Indistinct]" "# [Theme Song Ends]" "[All Cheering]" "[Earl Narrating] Some people might not appreciate being shown on TVthe way we were... but, for folks like us, that didn't matter." "'Cause every time our Cops comes on... we're treated like celebrities for the rest of the day." "We feel special, and there's nothing like feelin'a little special... to brighten up a boring Sunday... even if it did remind me of a few things I needed to put on my list." "## [Singing]" "## [Stops] [Sniffs]"