"Hello, and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to QI, the BBC's answer to a question that no one has ever asked." "Tonight, I'm delighted to be joined by the wittiest, cleverest, best-looking, and best-informed audience in television." "And coming along also, we have a panel." "Erm, in order, they are:" "Alan Davies..." "Jeremy Hardy..." "Rich Hall... and Bill Bailey." "Now, each of them has a distinctive attack call." "Rich goes:" "[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of a gong]" "Jeremy goes:" "[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of a drum beating once]" "Bill goes:" "[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of a lion roaring]" "Alan goes:" "[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of various squeaking noises]" "And I've already been before I came." "The rules... well, the rules are simple." "The questions are very unfair, and so am I." "A correct answer gets fewer marks than an interesting one, and a boring answer is penalised more than a wrong one." "You'll pick it up as we go along." "Now, er, appropriately enough, our first round tonight is called "animal aggression"." "And it's not only quite interesting, but also quite particularly not frightening." "Since 1580, when records began, the total number of attacks on humans by sharks has been logged at about 2,200 only." "This is equivalent to just 5% of the number of Americans injured by toilets in the year 1996." "And I'd like to apologise to my mother, there, for using the word "toilets"." "She would prefer if I said "lavatories"." "Erm, this latter statistic, er, we know exactly." "According to the official figures, er, it was, in fact, 43,687 Americans injured by lavatories." "So..." "The, uh... the lavatories didn't actually attack them?" "The statistics don't say;" "they may have done." "Do... what..." "Are lavatories aggressive in America?" "No, no, they're not at all." ""When Lavatories Attack!" Channel 5!" "So this is actually a... a false statement once again, uh, making America look like a violent place, when, in fact, these people fell on the toilets;" "they hit their head;" "maybe they drowned in 'em... but the toilets themselves did not attack." "They were passive." "Yes." "I nearly injured myself the other day..." "Oh, yes." "I was standing..." "That is not... if I may say so, quite interesting." "No... but..." "I was standing at the urinal, and it was so high..." "Oh, yeah." "I had to stand on tip-toe... and I nearly pulled a muscle in..." "in the hamstring area." "Yes..." "And it must have been a really, really lanky plumber who put it up." "It has to be." "You were on a giant's toilet, there." "Stumbled into a giant's loo." "Might have been a fountain." "Yes..." "It was a font, in a church." "It was outdoors..." "I was not weeing in a font." "I resent that remark." ""I baptise this..." "Oi!" "Stop that!" "Disgusting!"" "Almost time to come to the first question, you might think, really... erm..." "If you heard the sound of fuffing, what would you expect to be eminently savaged by?" "Rich." "I just wanna say that it's 9 PM." "Fuffing, uh... fuffing is a Yiddish word for, um..." "They have "fuffers" in porn films to get the, uh, actors erect, so you would, uh... you would expect, uh, a Hasidic Jew porn star to jump on you." "No." "Bill." "Fuffing." "Fuffing?" "Well, it... you're... you're nearly there, but..." "but fuffers are, erm, small creatures..." "Fuff-fuff-fuff-fuff!" "...that are used to, er, "fuff", in porn films." "In... yeah." "Really?" "Yeah." "Instead of human fluffers..." "Shoot up the trouser leg, arouse you." "...they have tiny, little, er, marsupials that just titillate the, er, genitals." "For the, er... for the "Animal Planet" channel. "When Animals..." "Mate."" "The adult Discovery Channel." "Yeah, the adult Discovery Channel." "They have to get the animals worked up." "Is the animal going "fuff-fuff-fuff-fuff-fuff-fuff"?" "Or is it the noise of it dragging itself along the ground...?" "It is actually..." "It is onomatopoeia, inasmuch as it is descriptive of the noise the animal makes--fff-fff--when attacking." "Fff-fff!" "A lion with a hairball." "Erm, a snake!" "Not "sss-sss"." "Not a snake." "Actually, the answer is, erm..." "It's either a tiger or a weasel." "Tigers never roar before attacking, no matter what the movies may say." "Unlike lions, tigers are totally solitary animals who come together only when mating." "Tigers only roar to tell other tigers where they are." "To where the Frosties are." "Exactly." "If you're having Frosties and you hear "fff-fff"... you're eating Tony's Frosties." "Fff-fffrosties?" "Fff-fffrosties, indeed." "Thank you." "So you're saying it could be a tiger or a weasel." "Weasels also fuff, yes." "Weasels are part of the tiger family." "Many people think the weasel is akin to the stoat or the polecat, but it's actually a huge prairie cat." "They are "stoat-ally" different, you mean." "No, I'm sorry." "A weasel..." "It's absolutely unacceptable." "I'm sorry." "A weasel's some kind of bonsai tiger?" "Surely." "No." "I don't think you're right, though, Jeremy." "They're adopted." "And one day, the tigers have to break it to the weasel, when he's sixteen." ""We're not your real mum and dad."" "The weasel... [as weasel] "Ahh!" "No wonder I sound mad!" "Fuff-fuff-fuff-fuff-fuff- fuff-fuff!" "Fuff-fuff..."" "[as tiger] "Don't you fuff-fuff us like that!" "You're only a weasel."" "You couldn't get a tiger up your trousers, even if you were a Northerner." "If you had really big trousers!" "Yeah..." "Or a tiny little tiger." "The... the national symbol of Croatia is the weasel." "Is that correct?" "Ahh, really giving me a headache now." "If you promise me that's true, I might give you five points." "It's absolutely true." "Croatia has a weasel as its..." "Oh, that's terribly sweet." "Yes." "All the other ones are gone." "There's only one left." "Lions gone... "Oh, what have we got left?" "Weasel!" "We have the weasel!" "Oh..."" "Excellent!" "I like that." "Good." "Now, would you consider undressing for the benefit of a hungry polar bear?" "Again, Rich." "It's now 9:15." "Yes, you would undress for a polar bear, because, um... polar bears don't like the..." "the taste of human flesh." "But they would steal your clothes to get into a restaurant." "You're oddly close to the truth, there." "They are easily distracted, and... and, erm..." "Why don't you just say:" ""Look at that!"" "...offering articles..." "No..." "No, you see, Alan, this is a common mistake." "Only humans follow the line of the finger." "Animals look at the finger." "If you point at something, the dog won't go" ""Ooh, what's he looking at?" He'll look at your finger." "What happens is you back away slowly, offering clothes, and it... it stops, apparently, at each piece of clothing..." "Once you take your pants off leaving you, you know..." "It wants to sniff your scanties, essentially, and it will do so." "Yeah." "And then, you, er... die of exposure." "That's..." "Unfortunately, it is true." "In precisely the place where you're most likely to meet a polar bear, it is the least warm." "Yeah." "I know something quite interesting..." "Yes?" "Tell." "...about polar bears:" "They don't have white fur." "Well, you better look behind you, pal!" "What's that?" "I was ready for you..." "Yeah." "Come on." "They have clear little follicles." "But because they reflect the snow, they come across as white." "But he's on a rock, there, and he's white!" "What's that mean there?" "Just near him is something really white." "Might be a white van with all the food in, for them." "That is not a polar bear behind you." "Is it not?" "That's a weasel." "Ahh." "They are beautiful animals, aren't they?" "You must admit they are very, very beautiful animals." "Well, I'd certainly tell one he was beautiful if he came near me..." "The point... the point we're making about polar bears is that these are animals that can run at 30 miles an hour, and what you certainly shouldn't do is try and run away from them, er..." "Unless you're with a friend or attack them, or stand still, as you might for some animals, like gorillas... it's quite a good idea to stand absolutely still..." "That's why you should always be with a friend if you encounter a polar bear, because you can't outrun the polar bear; you don't need to." "You just need to outrun your friend." "Ahh." "Very good." "Very good." "Cynical, but excellent." "Now, ah, moving on to our third question in this "animal aggression" category:" "Which of these would you choose to defend yourself against an alligator with?" "A) Paperclip." "B) Crocodile clip." "C) Paper bag." "D) Handbag." "E) Rubber band." "I..." "I..." "I'm an expert on alligators, because I grew up in the swamps of New Orleans." "Oh, tell, then." "When it says to defend yourself against an alligator, that's the trick part of the question." "This means if the alligator is litigious." "And trying to sue you." "Let's say, because you're wearing his mom on your feet." "There's a lot of paperwork involved in defending yourself in court against an alligator." "Is that where the word..." "You need a paperclip, then." "Is that where the word "allegation" comes from?" "Yes." "Very good." "Very good." "However!" "Uh... you might need a paper bag if the alligator..." "Alligators will taunt you before they attack you." "And will oft..." "Like a boxer, they will often hold a press conference, and they will say, uh," ""You can't fight your way out of a paper bag, buddy!"" "And then you will have to prove that you can fight your way out of a paper bag before you can fight the alligator." "Ingenious." "Ingenious." "And so wrong." "Any thoughts on the right answer?" "Inflate, er..." "Inflate the paper bag..." ""Bang!" like that, like a gun." ""Whoa!" And the alligator loses all confidence." "Possible." "It's possible." "If you get..." "Starts to back away, like that, and then you get the handbag, and ram it over his snout, like that, and then put the clips on his nipples, and really..." "You're really... almost..." "You almost flirted with the answer there, Bill, erm, when you... when you talked about putting the handbag over its jaws..." "But he also said that alligators have nipples." "What...?" "That's a very good point, I have to say;" "we do have to pull you up on your nipples, there." "I've got nipples, Bill..." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Alligators are not..." "are not mammals." "Haven't you ever milked an alligator?" "No, no one has." "And if you think you have, I'm afraid you really do have problems." "If you had a really, really big crocodile clip, you could clamp its jaws shut." "Well, ah." "Now, you see, this is the interesting thing." "I will tell you the answer, because, erm, alligators and crocodiles, despite their fearsomeness, will be rendered pretty much hopeless if you... if you pop a rubber band 'round them, because the muscles" "that close the jaws of a crocodile or an alligator amount to several tonnes per square inch, but the muscles that open them are so weak that they can be rendered silly just by the presence of a small, stout elastic band around them." "So all you would have to do is pop the elastic band before it managed to open its mouth..." "Yes... "all" you would have to do and it would not be able to..." "Why is it that all aquatic vicious beasts can be subdued by something really simple?" "Like sharks, as well." "You just punch them stoutly on the nose, don't you?" "I suppose it's because, in their natural habitats, things like the ability to punch stoutly on the nose don't exist." "There is no there is no "stout-punching fish" that roams the oceans, erm, and there is no "rubber band bird" in the Everglades..." "I think we have to move on from there, ladies and gentlemen." "Erm, don't forget that we human beings are also animals, and among the beastlier and most aggressive of all, as evidenced by this cutting from the Daily Telegraph." ""Police rushed to rescue a horse in Dorking, Surrey, after a passing motorist saw it tied to a post so short that the horse couldn't reach down to chew the grass." "They found that the poor animal had only one ear, and was missing a back leg." "It was also made of wood, in an advertisement for a local riding school."" "According to Douglas Adams's book The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, there is a theory, erm, which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear, and will be replaced" "by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." "There is another theory which states that this has already happened." "Let's see what you feel about that after this round with questions on "astronomy"." "How many moons does the earth have?" "Yeah?" "The earth has one moon, which is made of cheese!" "Oh!" "I'm afraid you lose ten." "But it does have one moon." "No." "No." "It's called "the moon"!" "One of them." "That's it." "I rest my case right there." "I can understand, Alan, that you would feel hard done by, but the answer is that there are two moons." "One is the one we know, called "the moon";" "the other is called Cruithne." "It's three miles across, and orbits the world every 770 years." "Aw, you're just makin' this up!" "No." "Cruithne." "Cruithne, yeah." "Who comes up with this shit?" "So you're telling me there's a second moon?" "There..." "I am!" ""Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend"." "So why is there, uh... why is there not one romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it?" "Why not "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky," or "Cruithne River," or..." "No one can see it..." "Because it was discovered in nineteen-ninety-fucking-four!" "Oh, come on!" "There are..." "That is nine years... nine years to write a romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it!" "In the last nine years, no romantic songs, so far as I know, have been written at all." "Have they?" "Ahm..." "Brian Adams wrote one." "Oh, please!" ""Everything I do I do for Cruithne"?" "Well... it's a challenge to all of you songwriters out there:" "If you want to write songs rhyming "the moon" with "June", find a rhyme for "Cruithne", er, our second moon..." ""Come with me..."" ""Fly me to Cruithne..."" "Yeah." ""Let me sing amongst the stars..."" ""Went to..."" ""Will you miss me..."" ""Don't go to 'Dithneyland';" "go to 'Cruithneland'..."" ""Don't diss me!" "On Cruithne!"" "Oh, no, no, not white middle class people doing rap..." "Yay, I'm rapping!" "No, Alan, no, no, not doing that, no, please." "Okay." "No." "Cruithne!" "So embarrassing." "All right." "Ah." "We have late-breaking news, as a matter of fact." ""Cruithne" is pronounced "croo-EEN-yeh", and it's actually Celtic." "And its orbit was discovered in 1997." "There you are." "People have been busy on our behalf, on the internet and elsewhere, calling up important Astronomers Royal." "Now!" "Our next question." "Where is 90% of the universe?" "Jeremy." "Ikea!" "Very good." "I'll give you five for that." "Ikea doesn't have any windows." "They don't sell windows, even." "They deliberately have no windows in Ikea so you can't see out, so you have no sense of time passing, so you don't know what time you went in, what time you..." "You could be in there for weeks!" "Is that literally true?" "Yeah." "And actually, if you don't have access... your body doesn't have access to natural passing of light you buy spoons." "I was told...is this correct?" ".." "that all their products have a... are named." "I mean, not like "chair" but they're called "Neville", or..." "You'd like it, because they're all strange, foreign names like "Lublik"." "And "Nunbarr"." "And you look at it and say..." "What is there about me that makes you think that I would like?" "You're... you're..." "you like the exotic." "You like words!" "Oh, true." "I do." "You like funny, odd words!" "Yes." "I do." "Like "Cruithne"!" "Where is 90% of the universe, I asked you?" "Where is 90% of the universe?" "Outside." "Outside this building." "The universe is saddle-shaped." "It's on a horse." "And the other 10% is attachments." "A nose bag, something." "Yeah." "Right." "Well, no, there's some truth in that." "The universe is saddle-shaped, isn't it?" "Stephen Hawking seems to think that it is saddle-shaped." "Yes." "He seems to think that it could be, like, er at two points." "That's right." "Yeah, but you don't really know what he's..." "You all thought Rich Hall was very weird, didn't you..." "No, it is actually saddle-shaped." "...but, in fact, he was making a very serious point." "What?" "Don't tell them I'm fucking weird!" "What's wrong with you?" "!" "I'm telling them... no..." "I'm doing my best to sweep along with this program that gives no fucking cars when you get points... and now you're telling them I'm weird!" "No, I'm telling them you're not weird!" "I'm not the one who's telling people there's a second moon!" "Well, it depends what you mean, because I would think that most of the universe doesn't... there isn't anything." "It's just a vacuum." "But there are bits of the universe, like stars and ma... collections of matter, and gas..." "But the gaps in-between are bigger, you mean." "The gaps in the between... 90% of it..." "is just..." "There's nothing." "The gaps in-between do count as the universe, however, but you're sort-of on the right lines, 'cause the answer is that 90% of the universe, erm..." "well, nobody knows where it is." "Most astronomers agree that at least 90% of the universe is made of so-called "dark matter"..." "Yes." "...and this stuff is invisible, and no one knows where it is." "Sir Martin Rees, the Astronomer Royal, has been quoted as saying it's embarrassing that 90% of the universe is unaccounted-for." "Now, you're basing this on what Stephen Hawking says, and the fact is, he's subject to interference from minicabs." "So..." "I want to rescue this program from..." "accusations of sickness, and move on to another question." "Erm, what colour is the universe?" "Magnolia." "Everything's magnolia these days." "It's very spacious, you see." "So you want a light colour." "But you don't... you want to be overpowering, if it was white..." "You might do a dark ceiling, just to bring it in a bit..." "Yeah, I was going to say..." "It's deceptive, the universe, 'cause from the outside, if you're God, it looks quite small." "But when you're in there, it's really quite spacious, with plenty of storage." "You're very, very, very close, I have to say." "It's not quite magnolia." "Beige." "Absolutely right." "Ten points." "It is, in fact, beige, the universe." "Brilliant." "Now..." "Not to the naked eye, though." "Not to the naked eye, I quite agree, but it is official." "Last year, after analysing the light from 200,000 galaxies, American scientists announced that the universe was pale green." "Not black with silvery bits, as it appears to us." "Taking the Dulux Paint Range as a standard, it was somewhere between Mexican Mint, Jade Cluster, and Shangri-La Silk." "However, to the embarrassment of the American astrophysical community... a few weeks after announcing their discovery to the American Astronomical Society, they had to admit that they'd actually made a mistake in their calculations, and the universe was, in fact, more a sort-of taupe or beige-ish colour." "I..." "I thought it was Gay Whisper with a touch of Amber Glow, erm, which are my favourite, er..." "This is..." "My pancake colour is called Gay Whisper." "Did you know that?" "It actually is." "Literally true." "Gay Whisper." ""Ga..." Is "Gay Whispers" like "Chinese Whispers"?" "Only, more fun." "Well, now, we have another question here, and this is for a bonus of ten." "Fingers on the buzzers, please." "How many planets are there in the solar system?" "Nine." "Oh!" "Sorry, once again." "Nine." "Not the right answer." "It's another forfeit of ten, I'm afraid." "I'm afraid the answer is actually "eight"." "I'm gonna write them down; you carry on." "Yeah, right, okay." "Mars!" "Yes, Mars is one." "Pluto..." "No." "Oh, here we go again!" "Pluto is a planet!" "Goofy!" "It was discovered in the 1930s." "It was the most recent planet to be discovered." "It was discovered by a..." "by Clyde Tombaugh in 1930 exactly, yes." "But it's a... it's a... it's a collection of gases." "It's not actually a..." "It's not a planet." "Not a planet." "By no criterion by which planets are judged could Pluto be said to be a planet." "It's re... it's really, really big, and it goes around the sun!" " (Bill) Yes, well, so does my aunt Wilma." " (Stephen) Yes, well, it's not really big at all." "It's tiny." "Well, that's why it took so long to find it;" "don't be hard on it because it's small..." "No, there are many others..." "there are many others of the same size that are going around the sun which are..." "which are not classified as planets." "I watched an entire BBC series..." "Mmm." "Called "The Planets"." "...called "The Planets"..." "Yeah." "...banged on and on about there being nine." "Erm, there was a great movement afoot to discover the ninth planet." "Hubble, the astronomer, had predicted that there would be a ninth planet, and Clive Tombaugh in 1930 discovered Pluto, and claimed that it was a planet." "Almost everybody now has agreed that it isn't." "What is it, then?" "It's a tiny ball of ice." "The... the... the sort-of earthy, solid planets, like, er... er, Mars and Venus and Mercury..." "But they're not that solid." "Cause Uranus..." "Mm-hmm." "...and, er... is ca... is known as one of the "gas giants"." "That's what I was starting to say." "There are four earth ones, and there are the four gas ones, that's what I'm saying, but... but Pluto is neither." " (Jeremy) Come out with it and say "your-anus"." "On the other hand, if Pluto can be said to be a planet, then so can the asteroids, already technically known as minor planets." "In the year 2000, 71,788 of these, with more being discovered every year..." "Pluto, er, is only twice as big as the largest of these, which is Ceres, and is not only much tinier than all of the other planets, er, but is smaller than seven of their moons as well..." "Is there a rest stop between you and the end of this thing?" "We are going to close this round on astronomy, with, erm, a story about William James, the American psychologist and philosopher;" "brother, of course, of the novelist Henry James." "He'd just, er, finished giving a lecture on the solar system, er, when he was approached by an elderly lady. "Mr James," she said," ""we don't live on a ball rotating around the sun;" "we live on a crust of earth on the back of a giant turtle." "James was a kindly man: "If your theory is correct, madam," he asked patiently," ""what does this turtle stand on?" "The first turtle stands on the back of a second, far-larger turtle, of course," she snorted derisively." ""But what does this second turtle stand on?"" "pressed the philosopher. "It's no use, Mr. James," crowed the old lady, triumphantly." ""It's turtles all the way down."" "See, this is why America has a space programme." "And you think we're all standing on the backs of turtles, with these weird moons going around that no one's ever heard of." "I..." "I'm sorry I have to tell you this, Rich, but William James was American, and the woman who was talking to him was American." "Yes, he was, and... and he..." "and then his brother Jesse shot her." "Well, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the last round, in the time-honoured fashion, it's not "QI" - quite interesting - but "GI"" " General Ignorance." "And, er, fingers on the buzzers, please, for this one." "Erm, what is the name of the capital city of Thailand?" " (Stephen) Yes, Alan!" " (Alan) Bangkok!" "Oh, Alan!" "No, I'll tell you the answer." "The answer is, in fact, Krung Thep, meaning "City of Angels," the same as Los Angeles." "An abbreviation for the official name, which is the longest place name in the world." "Only ignorant foreigners, apparently, call it Bangkok, which hasn't been used in" "Thailand for more than 200 years as a name for that city." "Pluto and Bangkok don't exist." "I'm scared to go out." "To the nearest thousand, how many brides walked down the aisle in Britain last year?" "Yes, Jeremy." "Is that a clue?" "'Cause there's ten." "Oh, no, it's not." "Mr. Cheerful." "When you say "turtle after turtle after turtle"... what is the last turtle standing on?" "That's kind-of the point of the anecdote." "That was... that was what William James said." "And the woman said, "It's no use, Mr. James;" "it's turtles all the way down."" "She believed it was a universe of infinite turtles." "Infinite number." "It is a sort-of trick question, inasmuch as "What is the aisle of a church?"" "The middle bit." "The... down the middle." "The path." " (Stephen) No, you see, that's the odd thing." " (Alan) From the door to the altar." "It's the sides." "The long part is simply called the... the "central passage way"." "So nobody walks up the aisle." "No. "I will take her down the central passage way!"" "Not... not, "I will take her down the aisle"!" "I was..." "I was taken up the apse." "Which is the area in-between, off to each side." "No, the apse is... is the back;" "behind the altar is the apse." "It's the rounded..." "Riight." "The only rounded..." "Well, at the time, you know, it... it seemed like the apse." "Excellent." "Good-good-good- good-good-good-good." "Now, what flavour is the oldest-known soup?" "Er, Jeremy." "First on the buzzer again." "Cream of Plesiosaur." "It's a lovely thought." "Er, stone." "Stone soup?" "That's why we are superior to all of the animal kingdom." "We're the only animal that makes soup." "It is... we're the only animal that can make soup." "Because... a lion will kill a gazelle; it eats it all, yum-yum-yum- yum-yum, a gazelle will all go on" ""What do I do?" "I guess I have to get some more gazelles."" "But if it was us, we would kill the gazelle, and then get the bones, make some soup, there, and keep it going for days." "Weeks, perhaps." "If lions could make soup, then we... we..." "Our days would be numbered." "Anyway, no, the answer is just plain..." "it's hippopotamus." "Hippopotamus soup." "Yes." "It was hippopotamus soup." "It's the oldest-recorded soup in human history." "Well, now." "What man-made artifacts can be seen from the moon with the naked eye?" " (Stephen) Yes." " (Alan) Someone said it, in the audience." "What was it?" "Great Wall of China." "Oh, you've done it again;" "I can't believe it!" "Yes." "Which moon are we talkin' about?" "Oh..." "Rich Hall, I think I love you." "And that's damn good;" "you've gotta have ten for that." "Erm, the fact is, nothing man-made can be seen, er, on earth from the moon." "It's too far away." "It's much, much too far away." "Even the continents are quite difficult to make out, as a matter of fact." "I think, gentlemen of our esteemed panel, that it is time for our final scores." "And here they are:" "In first, equal position:" "It's Jeremy and Rich, with twenty each." "In, er, third place, therefore, it is Bill, with five points, but sadly, er, trailing a little this week, with minus thirty points, it's Alan!" "Well, thank you very much!" "The only thing that remains for me is to thank Bill, Alan, Rich, and Jeremy for sharing their pain with us tonight, and for me to say something quite interesting to finish with, and it's the tragic," "telling, but mercifully-brief excerpt from a court report in the Guardian which goes:" ""The marriage suffered a setback in 1985, when the husband was killed by the wife." Good night."