"I understand it is fashionable to introduce television plays from a library." "And so, I thought I would preface tonight's play," ""The Cream of the Jest," in this way." "The Cream of the Jest is a play about the theatrical business." "And it has as its central character a fading actor named Charles Hanover Gresham." "Our play will..." "Our play begins in just one moment." "Thank you." "Hello, Jerry." "How fresh and dewy you look!" "Hello there, Mr. Gresham." "How are you today?" "Splendid, Jerry, splendid." "I'll be even more so when I've partaken of that amber fluid." "The usual on the rocks, please." "Gee, Mr. Gresham, I'd like to, but I'm afraid I can't." "Now, you're not gonna tell me the well has run dry?" "Well, in a manner of speaking, it has." "For you." "You see, your tab has run awfully high and..." "Well, Mr. Orsatti, he'd like to carry you, but it's been going on such a long time." "Yes, of course." "I understand." "But do you think I could impose on his generosity just once more?" "You see, Jerry, I wasn't speaking the truth just now." "I actually feel rather shaky today." "I didn't get that part." "And you know how it is with actors." "And I'm sure to get something." "And when I do, I'll give a big party right here to make up for all I owe." "That'd be fine, Mr. Gresham." "I'd like to see that." "Yeah." "So would I." "So would I." "Jerry?" "Could you let me have just one?" "I'd be very grateful." "I'm sorry." "Well, how about a glass of water?" "I've a little time on my hands and I might..." "Just might run into somebody I know." "Sure thing, Mr. Gresham." "One glass of water, on the rocks." "Say, what do you know?" "Wayne Campbell has a new play." "Wayne Campbell." "But Mr. Barsky, the sets have to be ready on the 25th." "Mr. Campbell can hardly open in New Haven without them." "Yes, that's right." "All right." "Bye." "Mr. Gresham." "How nice to see you." "Nice to see you." "It seems I was talking to you on the phone just a minute ago." "You must have flown over here." "Merely my anxiety to see you." "Besides, I was just around the corner." "Is Wayne..." "Will he see me?" "Oh, please sit down, Mr. Gresham." "He's been on the phone ever since you called." "But as soon as he's free, I'm sure he'll be delighted to see you." "Well, I'm counting on that." "But after what happened on The Brass Penny..." "Oh, I'm sure Mr. Campbell forgot all about that a long time ago." "Besides, you were ill." "You couldn't possibly have made that performance." "Nice of you to put it that way." "It isn't everybody who understands that even for the actor, the show cannot always go on." "Well, you look just wonderful now." "Can I get you something, some coffee or a drink?" "No, thank you." "Well, just sit down." "You won't have long to wait." "He's off the phone now." "Lee, these third act changes will have to wait until tomorrow morning." "And I'm 15 minutes late for that cocktail party already." "But..." "Huh?" "Oh, you!" "Good afternoon, Wayne." "You're looking very sleek." "Yeah, and you're looking fairly sober for a change." "What's on your mind?" "I'd like to speak to you for a moment in private." "I haven't the time now." "Good night, Lee." "I'll see you first thing in the morning." "Wayne, let the cocktail party wait." "I must talk to you." "Mr. Campbell, I'm sure it'll only take a moment." "All right." "Five minutes, no more." "It's very kind of you." "Come on." "Well, get to the point." "I want a part in your new play, Wayne." "You must be kidding." "It's gonna be a great success." "I'm sure of it." "And I need the job badly." "That's what you said the last time, and the time before that." "That's why I hired you, because you needed the job so badly." "I always gave a performance." "You were all right when you remembered your lines, and didn't forget to show up in time for curtain." "But..." "Charles, I wouldn't touch you again with a 10-foot pole." "You're a drunk." "Let's face it." "That isn't true." "Not when I'm working, anyway." "It's just that I don't feel well sometimes." "I get nervous, and then I forget things." "But I won't let you down this time, I promise." "I'm sorry, Charlie." "No dice." "I gotta go." "My wife's waiting for me." "Now, Wayne, listen to me." "I'll take anything, even a walk-on." "It isn't just that I need the money." "I've got to get back on a stage again." "Don't you understand that?" "I'm dead when I'm not doing a job of acting." "You know, sometimes when I'm in my room, I..." "I go to the mirror, and I..." "I look into it, trying to see who I am, who the "me" is." "I talk to myself." "And all the characters I've ever played pass in front of me." "And I'm every one of them, but that's all I am." "There's no real me, only the characters." "Don't you see?" "Then I..." "Then I go back and I sit and I wait." "I wait for somebody, somebody like you, Wayne, to call me, to bring me back to life again." "I'm only real when I'm acting." "The rest of the time I'm nothing." "That's why I drink." "Don't you see?" "You sound a little schizy to me, boy." "I think what you need is to see a psychiatrist." "Is that all you have to suggest?" "That's all." "Look, I..." "I've really got to run now, fella." "I'll see you around, huh?" "I wouldn't go yet." "Not quite yet." "Oh?" "Now what?" "I suddenly feel reminiscent." "We've known each other a long time, Wayne." "Even though you're a lot younger than I am." "We even came from the same part of Philadelphia together." "The tough part, wasn't it, Wayne?" "Yeah." "And of course, we changed our names long ago, made up much more suitable stories about our background." "We had to, we were ambitious." "Now, you, you're from a well-to-do family from somewhere out west." "Isn't that the story?" "And I," "I'm the fourth son of an impoverished English earl." "Not that anyone ever believed that one." "Of course, you've done so much better than I have." "I like your plays, Wayne." "Yeah." "Hard-punching, bitter and honest." "Most of the time." "You've become a rich man because of them." "You even married into one of the first 50 families of America." "You've really hit the top, Wayne." "Look, I can read all that in Who's Who." "Now, come on." "Get out of here." "Go on." "Look, I know how hard it would be for you to lose all that, much harder than for me, because I never had it." "Why would I lose it?" "Oh, well, you don't have to." "But, you see, I'm getting on in years." "Not that I'll admit to a day over 50." "I need a little security, and the parts are getting fewer and fewer." "And so..." "Well, if you're not gonna hire me for this new play of yours," "I'm afraid you're going to have to take care of me in some other fashion." "You're not only a drunk, you're also a cheap panhandler." "Trying to con me out of a few bucks, huh?" "Not a few bucks, Wayne." "An annuity." "Well, just a small one, of course, just to keep body and soul together." "Otherwise, I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to tell some of our more talkative columnists about that little incident in Philadelphia." "Do you remember?" "When $5,000 was missing from the bank and traced to a certain young teller?" "Look, I had a chance to make a quick profit." "I was gonna put that money back." "Just the same, they called it embezzlement." "And you spent three years in prison." "I don't think you'd like that to get out." "Blackmail!" "Exactly." "Why, you cheap, no-good..." "Hello!" "Hello, hello, Patricia, honey." "Yes, I know I'm late." "I'm leaving right away." "Bye." "You mustn't keep your wife waiting any longer, Wayne." "She's such a lovely girl." "Here." "Here's 20 bucks for you." "Jerry?" "Do you know what I wish?" "I wish you were Shakespeare." "I wish you were just writing Macbeth." "Beautiful thing, Macbeth." "Listen." ""To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow" ""Creeps in this petty pace from day to day" ""to the last" ""syllable of recorded time" ""And all our yesterdays have lighted fools" ""the way to dusty death" ""Out, out, brief candle!" ""Life's but a walking shadow," ""a poor player" ""That struts and frets his hour upon the stage" ""And then is heard no more" ""It is a tale told by an idiot" ""full of sound and fury, signifying nothing"" "Hmm?" "Oh." "Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry." "I got carried away a little." "Beautiful stuff, though." "Mmm." "Nobody writes like that anymore." "You know, Jerry, that's what's the matter with these modern playwrights." "Most of the time, they're full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." "It's sad, Jerry." "It's very sad." "I tell you, Jerry, they're all phonies." "All of them." "Pretending to be something they're not." "You know, there's a certain playwright in this town..." "Oh, never mind." "I don't know." "Fill her up, Jerry." "Fill her up." "Oh!" "Oh, oh, oh, oh." "Mr. Wayne Campbell." "Let me buy you a drink." "You're entitled to one." "No." "No thanks, Charles." "Look, don't you think you've had just about enough for tonight?" "Yeah." "Why don't you save this money for your cab fare home?" "Well, that's what I'm temporarily out of." "A home." "You know, Jerry, that landlady of mine has no soul." "No soul at all." "Don't you worry, though." "Things are looking up for me, they're really looking up." "Right, Wayne?" "I'm the best paying customer in Orsatti's." "And it's going to go on and on and on." ""Shine out, fair sun," ""till I have... "" "Mmm-hmm." "Take it easy, old boy." "You can sleep here in my office tonight, huh?" "Think we can make you comfortable enough." "Let's get the jacket off." "All right, down you go." "There." "Hmm." "Nice fellow, Wayne." "Always thought so." "Now I know so." "No, I'm not very nice, Charles." "I apologize." "It's all right." "Think nothing of it." "No, no, I mean it." "The way I treated you when you came in to ask me for a job was unforgivable." "I practically drove you into that blackmailing business." "I don't know what got into me, Charlie." "Just wanted to hit back at you, I guess." "Do you..." "Do you really mean that?" "Yes, I do." "It's been a long time since I've had to remember back to the way I began." "I had it all neatly tucked away in the back of my mind, where it wouldn't bother me." "I made a fine new world where I could be proud instead of ashamed." "Sometimes, I think it was nine-tenths willpower and about one-tenth talent." "But I got where I wanted to be." "Right where I am now." "You know, Charlie, there's not so much difference between you and me, after all." "You see, I created a character for myself." "All these years I've been playing a part." "Only, in the process," "I left out a couple of pretty important ingredients." "Love and mercy." "Mercy." "You're a fine actor, Charles." "I'd consider it an honor if you'd appear in my play." "Hmm?" "Thank you, Wayne." "Thank you." "Oh!" "Good morning, Charles." "Slept okay, I hope?" "Huh?" "Here." "You'll feel better after you drink this." "I don't exactly know what I'm doing here, but thanks." "Ah, it's just a little service I give all my actors." "Then you really meant it?" "Of course I did." "I'd like it to work, Charles." "I really would." "It's funny, you don't look the part." "You just don't look it, and it's funny." "What's funny?" "There's such a thing as makeup." "And a good actor can do anything." "Yeah, but you don't understand why it's funny, Charlie." "You see..." "Well, there are two parts that haven't been cast yet." "One is little more than a walk-on, three or four speeches." "The other..." "Yes?" "The other part is a blackmailer." "Don't you think that's funny, Charlie?" "Don't be cruel, Wayne." "You know, if you played that part, it would be the cream of the jest, wouldn't it?" "It'd be the first time a blackmailer ever earned his money." "It's a good part, too." "It'd pay a lot more than I've been handing out to you these past few weeks, but..." "But what?" "But you just don't look the part, Charlie." "You're too apologetic." "You're too ashamed of it." "But the blackmailer in my play is a tough, hardboiled mug." "He has to be." "Well, give me a chance, Wayne." "Let me read the part." "Oh, what's the use?" "Why don't you just settle for the smaller part, Charles?" "I'm sorry, but you're just not a heavy." "Oh, please, let me read it!" "Well, all right." "Blackmailer's name is Richtor." "He runs pretty much through the whole play, but there's one scene I like particularly." "Right here near the end of the first act." "I think it's his best scene." "Except, of course, for the end, when he gets killed onstage." "That's pretty much an actor's dream, isn't it?" "Well..." "Let me read it to myself first, just to get the sense of it." "All right." ""Listen, pal." ""You can't shove me off." "I know too much." ""Maybe I can't prove it myself, but the police can," ""once I tell them where to look." ""Walter Donovan." ""Does that name mean anything to you?" ""Or the date?" "September 1?" ""Or the spot 100 yards off the road to Bridgeport," ""halfway between Stanford and there?" ""Do you think you can... " That's enough!" "Charlie, that's great." "That's just great." "I don't know how to thank you." "In only one way." "Lay off the booze." "I swear it, Wayne." "Huh?" "Now that I'm working, I won't go near the stuff." "Oh, that's fine." "But you're not exactly a working actor yet." "Oh, I want you for the part, I think you'd be fine." "Only, I'm just the author." "You know the setup." "There's still the director and the producer to convince." "Hmm." "But I can play the part, I know I can." "Whom should I see first?" "Well, Pete Wiley is just about set to direct." "But we're still fighting over terms." "It might look like a concession if I sent you to see him." "But..." "Or you could go see Nick Roper, he's putting up most of the money." "He'll have a say in the casting." "Nick Roper?" "Mmm-hmm." "That big-time gambler?" "And ex-racketeer, and a few other things even more unsavory." "What's he doing backing a play?" "He decided to take a gamble on culture, I guess." "He can afford it." "I wouldn't say that backing one of your plays was much of a gamble." "Still, the theatre breeds strange bedfellows." "I'll go round and see him if you think it'll help me get the part." "I'm sure it will, Charles." "Here." "Here's 20 bucks." "Get yourself a shave and a clean shirt, huh?" "Your suit looks all right, but maybe you ought to have it pressed." "Then you come back here." "I'll give you the scene and you can study it." "But I'm warning you, that 20 bucks isn't just another handout." "I'm going to see that it's deducted from your first week's salary, if you get the part, that is." "Oh, don't you worry about that." "I'll get the part." "I'll have that speech memorized in no time." "And Mr. Roper will see a real performance." ""Speak the speech, I pray you" ""as you have pronounced it, trippingly on the tongue" ""But if you mouth it, as many of your players do" ""I would as lief the town-crier spoke me lines"" "See, I can recite that Shakespeare, too!" "Yes." "We won't mention how." "You knew that speech by heart two hours ago." "What are you so worried about?" "I'm not sure of myself, that's the trouble." "Just when I think I've got it, it's gone again." "Well, don't you worry." "It'll come back." "When you get there, wait and see, it'll just pour out." "Maybe if I had a drink, just one, just to strengthen..." "No." "No, one would only lead to another." "Here, give me that script." "I'll type the speech out for you." "Then you can take it with you." "Just to be on the safe side." "Uh-oh." "My master's voice." "Well, never mind." "I can do the hunt-and-peck system." "I'll pick it out myself." "Go on." "Wait a minute, pal." "I told you, you can't go in here." "I want to see him." "I want to see him now." "I'm sorry, Mr. Roper." "I tried to stop him." "Well, it's all right, Pete." "What can I do for you, Mister..." "Doing real well for yourself these days, Mr. Roper." "This club, that Broadway play you're backing." "Takes a lot of cabbage to indulge yourself that way." "You been checking my bank balance?" "These things get around." "Who are you?" "Richtor's the name." "Charlie Richtor." "Richtor?" "Listen, pal, you can't shove me off." "I know too much." "Maybe I can't prove it myself, but the police can, once I tell them where to look." "Walter Donovan." "Does that name mean anything to you?" "And the date, September 1, and the spot, 100 yards off the road to Bridgeport, halfway between Stanford and there?" "That's enough!" "So..." "I really sold you, Mr. Roper, didn't I?" "You really believed me." "Well, now, listen." "Listen, I'm an actor, it's true." "I'm actor, I mean, I mean..." "Listen..." ""To be, or not to be:" "That is the question" ""Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer" ""to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune"" ""Soft you now!" ""The fair Ophelia!" ""Nymph, in thy orisons" ""Be all my sins remember'd"" "Is the car in front of the servants' entrance?" "Yeah, Chief." "What happened?" "He knew all about the Donovan job." "I'd like to find out where he got the details." "Get him out of here." ""From the office of Wayne Campbell." ""Listen, pal, you can't shove me off." "I know too much." ""Wayne Campbell. "" "Well, there's no use taking that book home with us." "Now that we've finished it." "By the way, in case you are interested, the police learned of Wayne Campbell's connection with tonight's crime..." "I can't understand why this coat doesn't seem to fit." "I just bought it." "There seems to be a message stitched inside." ""Occupancy by more than one person, contrary to law. "" "Well, no wonder." "Next time, we shall return with another story." "Join us then." "Good night!"