"Jackhammer!" "Hi, sorry, I'm running a little late." "I'm here for the role of brixon." "Can I have your headshot, please?" "Can I have your headshot, please?" "Yes." "Gavin, what's going on, buddy?" "How you been?" "It's Julius." "Oh." "Yeah." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, just going in for brixon." "You're auditioning for brixon?" "Yeah." "My agent's been trying to get me through these doors for, like, two years now." "Oh, man, it's a struggle but, hey, you're here now." "Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good." "I actually just quit my job today so I could be here." "Wow." "What's with the, uh, bowtie?" "It's kind of weird." "Oh, well, it says in the script, oh, well, it says in the script," "I'm pretty sure, that he's wearing a bowtie." "No, man." "Cuban necktie." "Yeah, well, I didn't have a Cuban necktie but I had a bowtie." "That's when you cut a guy's throat and you pull his tongue out, through the throat." "What?" "Julius Warner?" "Yes?" "Let's get you in there, okay?" "What?" "Members only?" "Damn it." "Damn it." "Lance, I've got Julius Warner for you." "What are you doing?" "I thought we could squeeze another one in." "Cedric, are you a senile old piece of shit?" "But I" "You were just in my office here two minutes ago, okay?" "I went over the schedule with you." "I'm not seeing anyone else today." "We're done." "What are you doing?" "I--i just thought" "Uh-uh-uh-uh." "What are you, a retarded fucking seal?" "What am I, at seaworld?" "With some fucking fish?" "Do you want some fucking mackerel?" "God, almighty." "The amount of people I work with god, almighty." "The amount of people I work with who are so fucking amateurs." "Jesus." "Oh my god, who's this?" "Uh" "Are you auditioning for the role of brixon?" "Yes." "Yes, I am." "Oh, you are?" "That's nice." "I like that." "You have a bowtie." "That's nice." "Is that silk or cotton?" "Um, I don't know." "No one's done that yet." "Wow." "You like it?" "No, I don't fucking like it." "Jesus Christ, what are you, a chimney sweeper?" "What are you, dick Van dyke, we audition for Mary poppins?" "Are you gonna float away with an umbrella?" "Are you gonna float away with an umbrella?" "Oh my god." "I got to see this." "All right, let's see bowtie man." "Okay, Julius, I want you to remember this is your audition so you take charge of your audition." "Get on your mark and we'll go from the top and when I call" "Well, when he calls" "Oh my god, and then, when you breathe in oxygen, carbon dioxide's gonna come out." "He fucking gets it, mongoloid." "Jesus Christ!" "We get it!" "Okay." "Okay?" "So just push the button." "Push the button." "Okay." "Action asshole." "♪ And now I'm leaving ♪" "♪ Leaving you all behind ♪" "♪ Leaving all of your crooked kind ♪" "♪ Now is my time to be free ♪" "You turn your back on me and you're dead, Brixton." "Bang!" "♪ Every day every hour ♪" "♪ Every day every hour ♪" "♪ Every man must know how ♪" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Jesus Christ, I asked you to turn around." "Don't turn into an idiot." "I thought I did turn around." "No, Einstein." "In the script, you're supposed to turn to the left." "You turned to the right." "You get it?" "And please, please, lose your hat, jamiroquai, all right?" "Action." "You turn your back on me and you're dead, Brixton." "Bang!" "Bang!" "♪ Every day every hour- ♪" "Oh my god." "I am so sorry." "Oh my god." "What the fuck!" "I didn't mean to." "I just-when I turned around the other way." "Now it's pink." "It's all pink and it's all-it's peeling." "I am so sorry." "It was just an accident." "An accident?" "An accident." "Oh man, oh man, I'll make you an accident." "Oh man, oh man, I'll make you an accident." "Let me tell you something, you imbecile." "I'm gonna make sure that you never work a day of theater ever again in your life." "Not Broadway theater, not off-Broadway theater, not regional theater." "You're not gonna be able to do dinner theater in Cleveland." "I'm gonna ruin you!" "Get out!" "Get out!" "And jerkhead, give me your pants." "And jerkhead, give me your pants." "Oh, yeah, you're listening to the only station that knows how to play the goods." "91.1, the dog." "Julius, it's Laura." "Listen, I don't know exactly what happened at the audition but Lance selmour called the agency personally." "I'm not sure how to say this." "I'm not sure how to say this." "I'm being forced to let you go, Julius." "I'm sorry." "There's lots of politics in this business." "You're a great kid with lots of talent." "I'm sorry." "I'll see you around, okay?" "Good luck with another agent." "Julius, you are no longer an employee of sandwich hut." "What the hell!" "Kelly?" "Oh." "Hey, baby." "How'd the audition go?" "I made lasagna." "You really think I'm that stupid?" "Oh, I can't think about that right now, Julius." "Oh, I can't think about that right now, Julius." "I'm still a bit foggy from my afternoon nap." "Oh, yeah?" "What?" "What's this?" "Oh, don't look at me like that." "How many times have I told you that I need to continue being creative." "Are you trying to throw this on me, huh?" "God knows how hard it has been to put up with you and your condition." "How many times do we have to talk about this, Julius?" "Your inability to be a real man." "Your inability to be a real man." "I told you I would never do animal stuff again." "Push, push." "C'mon, give it to me." "Push, C'mon." "Aghhhh." "Moo like a cow." "Mooooo." "Oh." "Ow." "Oh, don't pretend like you're leaving." "You have nowhere to live, Julius." "I'll let you make it up to me." "Oh, come on." "Let's just stop being ridiculous." "You know how your condition makes you blow things way out of proportion." "And you should probably start medicating." "You should start medicating." "Whatever, loser!" "I hope you nailed that audition because you have nothing, hobo." "Go get your condition fixed, hobo." "I have tennis elbow" "I have tennis elbow and, yeah, I did nail that audition today." "I'm gonna be the star of the show so suck on them carrots." "Please enjoy this ring back." "Please enjoy this ring back while we connect your call." "Hammer!" "Samantha!" "Help!" "Samantha." "Samantha." "I'm here." "Samantha." "Help me." "Samantha." "Be careful." "How did you cross the sea of death and the mountain of death and the field of death and the valley of death?" "Hammer's love is more powerful than all the world and the universe." "Than all the world and the universe." "You know nothing about power." "Power is in the mind." "You're all muscle, no brain." "Help me!" "After all this is said and done you're gonna to wish you had a pair of these." "Hammer, be careful." "Hammer, you're so brave." "Hammer, I want you." "Samantha, my love." "Samantha, my love." "Come take me, hammer." "I will do anything for your love." "Then kiss me right now." "Ha, ha, ha." "Uh?" "Uh?" "Hello?" "Hey, hammer, it's Julius." "I know it's been a while but I just thought I'd" "I know it's been a while but I just thought I'd" "No, no, no, baby." "It's all good." "I'm just at work, taking a power nap in between shows." "I'm glad you called me, it's good to hear your voice." "What's going on?" "What's new?" "Nothing much." "Yeah?" "How's you and Kelly?" "She's into animals now." "Yeah, yeah, cool, cool." "What?" "Yeah." "Things are kind of bad at the moment, actually." "I was hoping that maybe I could come and stay with you" "I was hoping that maybe I could come and stay with you just, you know, until I get back on my feet." "I know that I haven't called in over a year and you're probably busy with your hip hop and" "No, no, no." "Anything but chicken wing, baby, you're my younger bro." "Of course you can come stay with the hammer." "Don't be frickin' ridoculous." "Thanks." "Yeah." "Want to meet in an hour?" "I moved." "You moved?" "What?" "Mom didn't tell you?" "Dude, I'm living in a pimping ass pimp place." "It's pimping." "I got my own rapping stripping dojo in the garage." "I built it myself." "1961 Westwood." "1961 Westwood." "We meet then, yeah?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm renting it from this cougar who fell in love with the hammer at a strip show." "Hilarious." "It's all high end upstairs, not really my styles, but I'm renting it for dirt cheap." "Okay." "Okay, I'll see you in a bit, okay." "Yeah, yeah." "Mom tell you how frickin' thunder-ripped I am?" "I'm like perma-pumped seven days a week." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Jackhammer!" "Jackhammer!" "Come on, man, tell me." "What happened today?" "Um, let's see." "I woke up early, had my cereal, took my vitamins." "And then blew what was probably the biggest audition of my life with Lance selmour who's basically the Spielberg of theater." "Who's basically the Spielberg of theater." "Spielberg?" "No, he's in movies." "Are you serious?" "Yeah, no." "Steven Spielberg." ""Jurassic park," "back to the future."" "Those are movies, man." "But I'm saying, he's the Spielberg, like, of the theater." "So if, like Spielberg was to work in theater, he's be like Lance selmour." "Yeah, no, I get what you're saying." "What I'm saying is Spielberg only did movies." "So he didn't do theater." "I'm not saying he did theater." "I'm just saying that Lance" "I'm just saying that Lance" "Fine, he's the meryl streep of theater?" "Bam!" "See, now, you're kind of making sense." "Oh, did I mention before I got blacklisted" "I decided to tell my boss at the sandwich hut to take his chorizo ciabatta bunwich and shove it up his ass." "What?" "You quit your job?" "He wouldn't give me the time off for the audition." "I know, I'm an idiot." "At least you got the man bags to go for what you want." "As gay as it may be." "As gay as it may be." "Okay." "Do you know what it means to be blacklisted by Lance selmour?" "Hell, yeah." "Blue balls." "What?" "No, blacklisted." "It means I'll never work in this town again." "If I even want to sweep a theater," "I'd have to take off to L.A." "Or Boston." "I'm too broke for L.A." "I don't speak Boston." "That shit wouldn't fly in the '80s, dude." "I hate power trippers." "I feel for you, baby." "Pass me the laptop." "I hate dudes like this, man." "I hate dudes like this, man." "Oh, schnapps, I'm getting my heart palpitations again." "Whenever I get super mad because I'm so thunderous lean, my heart skips a beat." "You wouldn't understand." "What's his name?" "Lance selmour?" "Yeah, Lance selmour." "Well, guess who's making headlines for being caught cheating again?" "Theater casting director, Lance selmour." "Now if you haven't been for the past, well, decade, for the past, well, decade," "Lance selmour was once a mediocre theater actor who suddenly became one of the most powerful casting agents in the world by strategically marrying" "92-year-old Josephine guttenberg in New York." "Last night, Lance was pulled over at 3 A.M." "In his Bentley on suspicion of drinking and driving." "He was arrested for possession of several narcotics and for soliciting a prostitute." "The legal team for Mrs. guttenberg issued a statement saying she will not be filing for divorce at this time." "She will not be filing for divorce at this time." "But insiders say Lance will be and is on the verge of losing everything if this happens again." "From powerful casting director to potential jobless bum." "You got to keep it in your pants, Lance." "Look, Jules, maybe it's time to grow up, huh?" "Get a real job, like peeling." "What?" "Theater is a real job." "I got to get a hold of him and apologize." "I can't believe this." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "What you need to do, baby, is relax." "You're with the hammer now." "Let me take care of you." "You're with the hammer now." "Let me take care of you." "I got something that'll do you well." "This right here, my friend, is what they call hisca grass." "It's more potent than Indian peyote." "I got it from an aboriginal guy that makes one of my latest rap tracks." "Indian of sorts." "A real native so you know it's thunder strong." "A real native so you know it's thunder strong." "Cool." "Okay." "So how's that going, anyway, the rapping?" "Cbb, buddy." "It couldn't be better." "Like bread on butter." "And ham." "I'm at the liquor store slinging my CDs, clocking the cheese." "Jiggidy jackhammer." "Coming with the big bees." "Oh, man." "My rounds are usually way tighter than that." "It's not lyrically connected right now." "So at the liquor store, yeah?" "So at the liquor store, yeah?" "You can make some money doing that?" "Are you kidding?" "Big time, man." "Big time." "People move their feet 'cause I'm funky." "I'm funky." "I'm gonna have to call you back, I'm sorry." "I'm funky." "Yeah, ya are." "Listen, man, here's $20." "You got it, baby." "No, no, no, no." "Just shut that shit off." "Seriously." "You shut that shit off." "You hear me?" "You shut that shit off." "You shut that shit off." "It's pretty competitive out there, though." "There's a lot of looky-loos and stuff, too." "Turf wars." "Anyway, I've just been getting really connected with my lyrics lately." "I just been taking it to a whole 'nother emotion." "You know what I mean?" "Has mom played any of my tracks for you?" "You wanna hear one?" "Okay." "I just laid down the crazy crazy last night." "Emotional, baby." "You're gonna love it." "Ready?" "Yeah." "You're gonna love it." "Oh shit." "You all right?" "Yeah, totally." "I'm totally fine." "I can't believe mom hasn't played any of my tracks." "They're off the hill." "I'm totally fine." "Hang on, I've got to do some vocals." "Buddy, baby, buddy, bonkers." "Oh, shit." "Buddy, baby, buddy, bonkers." "Protein Pete packs a powerful potassium punch." "I think I'm ready, baby." "Unique New York." "Buddy's baby, buddy's bonkers." "Hey, little buddy." "Hey, little buddy." "Hey, little buddy." "What's happening, little buddy?" "Ohhh." "♪ Jackhammer hammer ♪" "♪ C'mon C'mon ♪" "♪ jackhammer hammer ♪" "You can't strip like me." "Let's go." "Let's go." "♪ Who the hammer is ♪" "♪ When they go up in my business ♪" "♪ Part-time stripper ♪" "♪ Use velcro not zippers ♪" "♪ When I'm on the stage ♪" "♪ You know I'm getting big tippers ♪" "♪ Plus my ding-dong's ♪" "♪ About a foot long ♪" "♪ From here to Hong Kong ♪" "♪ On the stage and my dong ♪" "♪ The ladies want to cop a feel ♪" "♪ For real ♪" "♪ But only if they got the dolla dolla bill ♪" "♪ 'Cause hammer don't show his nuts for free ♪" "♪ If you want to see the package ♪" "♪ You got to pay the fee ♪" "♪ You got to pay the fee ♪" "♪ Balls in your package ♪" "♪ Balls in your package ♪" "♪ When I'm on the stage ♪" "♪ You know I'm getting paid ♪" "♪ Balls balls in your package ♪" "♪ Balls in your package ♪" "♪ Want to cop a feel ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ Balls in your package ♪" "♪ Balls in your package ♪" "♪ When I'm on the stage ♪" "♪ You know I'm getting paid ♪" "Jules, wake up." "Jules, wake up." "You all right, buddy?" "You okay?" "See, I told you thunder's strong." "You never listen to me." "You never listen to me." "♪ Balls in your- ♪" "I mean, it's obvious that we've grown up and grown apart." "I mean, I've become super successful at peelery while you're still pursuing your fairy theater stuff but, look, I'm not holding it against you and I'm not making fun of you." "I'm just saying." "Since you're here, maybe we should change that." "We should be like we were when we were little kids, joined at the hip." "Should be like Crockett and tubbs." "I'm obviously Crockett, though, because he gets the ladies." "Obviously." "Obviously." "What?" "I said I'll be like Crockett because he gets the ladies." "What are you talking about?" "The "Miami vice" guys?" "Fine, I don't care." "Yeah, I'll be Crockett." "No, I'll be Crockett." "Look, tomorrow, we're gonna get you a job." "Yeah, I'm introducing you to Igor." "Your stripping agent?" "No way, man." "I don't want to strip." "That's pretty fricking ridiculous if you ask me." "But whatever, it's your choice." "Igor's got a few different jobs." "Maybe you could be a delivery driver for his escorts." "Maybe you could be a delivery driver for his escorts." "How's mom?" "Crazy as ever." "She likes living in a trailer park." "But you know that, you talk to her all the time." "On the phone, yeah." "I haven't seen her" "Are you gonna drink that?" "I got to, uh" "Julius, this is potent protein." "Look at the tuna cling to the egg yolk." "Jackhammer!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Can't be bothered right now, Mr. hammer." "I'm his most loyal client." "Let me in there." "I don't think so." "Still ain't paid for the last eight buckets you picked up." "Not very happy with you." "This is horseshit." "I don't have time to barter with you, bronco." "I'm feeling sick." "There's no way I'm letting you in here to fuck more product." "No way." "Dammit!" "If I could just say, hammer only needs to get in there to extrapolate some antidioxomicro-correlobolators." "Yay." "Yay." "Or else rocko is not gonna get his synthesizing biceptual triceratops." "If you could just let us in there so we can magnetize insapiens systorical functionality in the membrane." "All right." "Since you put it that way, I suppose I could let you in." "But no one gets in for the next 15 minutes, all right?" "Nobody gets in, nobody, understand that?" "Let me get some protein, man." "Put the hand out, chest high." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "What the fuck?" "This is not fucking happening, man." "Jesus Christ, bronco, what the fuck are you doing, man?" "What do I pay you for anyway?" "Piece of shit." "Hey, rocko, I got my brother with me." "How do I know he's not a cop?" "He's not the popo." "Okay, come in." "Close the door, bronco, you idiot." "Rocko, I need the purest stuff you can right now, baby." "Rocko, I need the purest stuff you can right now, baby." "You know I'm good for it." "Hammer, I sponsored you for one strip-off tournament, that's it." "And you didn't even do that good." "Now you're up to your ears in debt." "Do you know, most people owe me that much money," "I cut off their balls?" "But I know it's how you make a living so you're lucky." "Rocko, I got a couple of stagettes coming up." "Just hook me up some protein 'til I get to the dojo." "I'm shaking rough." "I don't even know why I like you, hammer." "You are looking seriously well on polypeptides, my man." "I'm low." "Lucky for you, I got something special." "Lucky for you, I got something special." "One of a kind." "Was that aerobics you were doing?" "What?" "No." "Do you want to get down to business to get some protein or not?" "Yeah." "I bartered for this with the maharaja during my travels to India." "During my travels to India." "Legend has it the recipe for this bar was handed down from father to son since the ancient mesopotamians." "Supposedly, the alchemists of the day figured out a way to transform gold into pure 100% protein." "Many men have died for the chance to behold its golden shimmer." "And here now, today, I'm offering this to you on a cuff for the low price of $320." "On a cuff for the low price of $320." "I'll even throw in a couple of these." "Deal." "Are you sure that's still good?" "What's its best-before date?" "So when are you gonna pay up?" "Soon." "Really soon." "What the fuck are you doing?" "What you-- Put that back." "You're paying for all that shit." "Put 'em on my tab." "Hammer, you've got serious problems." "If you don't come through, I'm cutting you off." "Rocko don't get played, I get paid." "Fuck!" "Close the fucking door, bronco." "Goddamned tinkerbell." " I am agent." " Trust me." "No money in acting." "Only money in strip show." "You only have one agent, me, Igor, nobody else." "Besides, you're too skinny and ugly for acting." "Igor Face like Jean-Claude Van damme." "Greatest actor ever." "You not understand." "Need long dong is gone." "You better be a strip show.." "You better be a strip show.." "Dongy dong, you're not seriously leaving the business, are you, baby?" "I'm gonna miss our tag team duos, man." "Judo jock." "Karate cock." "Bff." "Balls for fans, baby." "Bff." "What's going on?" "I tell you one last time," "They were on deposit." "This is not my problem, no." "No!" "What D'you mean?" "Igor, this is my younger brother, Julius." "Speak English." "I am American." "I am born in America." "Hi, there." "This is Julius Warner and I would like to please speak to Lance selmour if possible." "Listen, I am speaking American." "Oh." "Do you know when his mud bath will be finished?" "Born in America." "Okay, thank you." "You don't understand what I'm saying." "Okay, listen." "Listen." "Okay, listen." "Listen." "I tell you again." "I speak English." "Igor, this is my brother, Julius." "He's looking for work." "Work here now expired." "No, why you call police?" "Just give me two minutes." "What?" "No, listen." "Listen, I tell you again." "Watch this." "You're from America?" "And he's got a big dick." "How big?" "Huge, huge." "This is my younger brother, julius, aka big dick Julius, aka horse boy, tripod commander, anaconda kid." "He's big like me, you should hire him." "He's big like me, you should hire him." "Really?" "How he's your brother?" "He look like nothing like you." " Different fathers." " Different father." "Big time." "So what he do then?" "He's strip show like you?" " Bam, that's what." " I'm talking about." "And you know you shorted me for last week's stag." "No!" "No stripping for me." "So what's he do then?" "I don't know." "I guess he could be a little delivery driver for your escorts." "Okay, I'll pay you $75 for every girl you pick up and drop off to date." "Good?" "Good?" "Sure, yeah, I can do that." "You're starting tomorrow, yes?" "Yes." "Here." "Hey, I know you got paid for that stag and the money's in the drawer." "Why don't you just pay me?" "What's the dealy for, really?" "Yeah, yeah, don't worry." "What's his name again?" "Julius." "Okay, so you tell Julius sometimes these bitches are very dangerous." "These girls are not like real humans so you tell him he is never safe." "Watch out." "Go, tell him, go!" "He wanted me to tell you that these escorts are not like real humans." "Yeah, I know." "Yeah, I know." "They're dangerous, these" "I got it." "So are you gonna pay me?" "Soon, real soon." "Hold on." "C'mon, Igor." "You know hammer don't get played." "I get paid." "Then I get laid, in the shade." "I'm all about the spray fade, hammer's on a crusade." "Stripper of the decade." "I keep my rhymes tighter than a blade, stronger than a grenade." "Escalade, lemonade." "Yeah." "Jackhammer!" "Jackhammer!" "Jules, get up." "Didn't you read my note?" "We're going to a party." "Hammer, listen to me." "Why are you waiting?" "Put on the clothes I left for you right there." "Don't even think about wearing your fairy outfits and get dressed." "Hammer get the stanko." "What?" "I said it's time to get to stanko." "Huh?" "I said hammer gets to stanko." "Stanko, hammer gets to stanko, stanko." "♪ Hammer gets to stanko stanko ♪" "♪ Hammer gets to stanko stanko ♪" "♪ Hammer gets to stanko stanko ♪" "♪ Stanko ♪" "♪ Stanko ♪" "♪ I said hammer gets to stank stanko ♪" "♪ Hammer gets to stanko stanko ♪" "♪ Hammer gets to stanko stanko ♪" "♪ Stanko ♪" "♪ Hammer gets to stanko stanko ♪" "Don't take too long putting on your clothes, pretty pants." "Samantha's waiting outside." "Samantha?" "The same Samantha from a couple of years ago?" "The stewardess?" "Didn't you used to like her?" "The stewardess?" "Didn't you used to like her?" "What?" "No." "You know the hammer don't do relationships." "I don't like anybody, ever." "You happy?" "I'm proud of you, Jules." "You might even get laid tonight." "And more important, are my hammies looking chisel-ripped?" "Why do you care?" "We're going to a party." "You don't know when your pants coming off." "That's the mystery of life." "That's the mystery of life." "So?" "Yeah, no, they look fine." "Don't lie to me, tubbs." "It's obvious I need more self-Tanner to bring out the cuts." "Here, put some on." "I can't get all up in there." "No." "Don't be a gay and do it." "Do it!" "Get up, two hands." "Marinade those bad boys." "Jackhammer!" "Whose party is this anyway, man?" "This party's a friend of mine, Jason harinals." "Ah, you know a dude named Jason hairy balls?" "No, I said Jason harinals." "It's what I said, hairy balls." "There he is." "Jason." "Samantha, you look amazing." "Thanks for coming." "Care to see my abs?" "Ooh, have you been working out?" "No, all natural." "Oh, right." "Not gonna get some schnooky?" "Oh, yeah." "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Slow it down." "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Slow it down." "You the one they call Jason hairy balls?" "Hello, one inch, if not more." "Mine two, if not more." "I guess that's a respectable length." "Back at ya." "Cool." "Whatever." "Okay, whatever." "Well, whatever." "Whatever." "Whatever." "What ever." "What ever." "Whatever." "Whatever." "Look, I'm not gonna-- Whatever!" "I know what you're-- Whatever!" "Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever." "Look, I'll see you around downtown, Charlie brown." "Charlie brown, the boy's a genius." "♪ You have your toy ♪" "♪ your face ♪" "♪ my moustache is so ♪" "♪ funky ♪" "♪ your eyebrows are out of place ♪" "♪ your eyebrows are out of place ♪" "♪ my moustache is sore ♪" "♪ funky ♪" "♪ do yourself a favor and shave ♪" "♪ my moustache is sore ♪" "♪ funky ♪" "♪ what's that right there?" "♪" "♪ It's unclean ♪" "Want a jackhammer poster?" "No." "Bam." "See, I'm telling you, baby." "All you need to do is get into doing some peeling with the hammer." "You make more in one night than you do the whole week driving those crazy broads around in a dumb limo." "Give your head a shake, one plus one equals two." "Give your head a shake, one plus one equals two." "This is true." "What's up?" "See, pretty pants, you never listen to me, man." "I know." "You'll have enough money to pack up and be in Boston before your casting season even starts." "Hey, you like Russian sausage?" "Get away from me, you're disgusting." "Hey, you have a nice ass." "You want job in strip show?" "Where did Samantha go?" "Hey, you want a jackhammer poster." "Why would I want your poster?" "Jackhammer, baby, award-winning peeler." "Bam." "Eugh, I don't watch peelers." "Good." "Move it along then." "Good." "Move it along then." "There's a line-up." "Yeah, baby, you made it." "Come here." "Oh yeah." "With Frederick fruitcake." "This place is tight." "Who owns it?" "Anyway, man, this is tubbies, I was telling you about." "What are you drinking?" "A passion" "Ladies, meet hammer." "Hi, hammer." "What's up, ladies." "I discovered hammer in '04." "His show at the rub 'n stub, mesmerizing." "Hmm, it is pretty good." "Yeah, now go hit the tanning." "Yeah, now go hit the tanning." "Anyway, man, I'm telling you." "Jules won't listen to me, man." "If he wants to make the real decent dollars, he's got to christen those living room doors, man." "He won't listen to me." "There is absolutely no way you'd make it as a peeler right now, chump, let me tell you that." "But I could work with this." "You could train him, though, baby." "You need to strengthen your core." "Neuroflexin." "Work on your reflexes." "Hopscotch." "Endurance." "Thighmaster." "Bicycling." "That monkey thing." "One-armed push-ups." "Hammy stretchers." "Calisthenics and thrusting." "Those lines that you run at the gym." "Plyometrics." "Chin-ups." "Bowflexing." "Gorilla push-ups." " Tug-o-war." " Lubin' up." " Tug-o-war." " Lubin' up." " Cardiovascular." " Elastics." "We'll have you lady-ready in no time." "Bam." "You should do this." "I already told hammer" "Jules." "Frederick reigned the world peeling stage for six years, man." "I wouldn't let him train me if he wasn't the best." "This is a huge opportunity for you, man." "Do it." "Do it." "Do it." "Do it." "Do it." "Absolutely." "Saskatchewan peel-off champion '94 to '97." "There's no way that I'm stripping." "I just-i can't." "I'm sorry, I can't." "Look, Rick." "I've had some material issues growing up too." "I've had some material issues growing up too." "Forget about your mother." "But then I tried on that first thong and it fit like a glove." "My life has never been the same since." "Think about that." "You'll come around." "Cannonball." "Please come here, come here." "Come here." "Just curious, baby." "You know what these are?" "Phone numbers." "For women." "They give 'em to me because they know that peelers bought the cheese." "God, you're relentless." "Okay, fine." "How much do you guys actually make?" "400 bones, baby." "One dance." "You don't go full nude." "Tie-offs, pull some g-strings, do your little routine." "Bam, that's it." "Handful of dollars, handful of numbers." "This is ridiculous." "What's tie-off?" "This is ridiculous." "What's tie-off?" "You don't know?" "Julius, drink." "Come on." "Wanna know?" " Not really." " Do you want some?" "Look, you do what you gotta do to get yourself a chubby, all right?" "A big one." "You know what that is, right?" "Hm." "Then, you take an elastic band so it's nice and tight, you fold it in two and then you release it around the base of your pajang jang." "Bam." "It's hard while you do your whole routine." "It's beautiful." "Hurts a little bit." "Got to just go use the washroom before I do a show." "I got my elastics, I got my porn mags," "I got my elastics, I got my porn mags, or I use images from my huge library of memories because I got lots of 'em." "400 bucks, one dance?" "That's what I'm talking about, baby." "Yeah." "I wouldn't even know what to do." "When the pupil is ready, the teacher shall appear." "I'll be your Swayze, you be my baby." "No, no, baby, you ain't thinking about it." "You're doing it, you're doing it now." "Caboose, caboose, caboose, caboose." "Fine, I'll do it." "Yeah, baby, put it right here." "Bam." "That's what I'm talking about." "Whoa, yeah." "Hey, aren't you friends with that Russian dude?" "Why?" "'Cause he's in the gardener's house messing with the wrong chick." "He's gonna get his ass beat." "I knew it, we can't take that guy anywhere." "Ha, ha, ha, ha." "Dammit." "Stupid Russians." "Aghh, aghhh." "I am not a ballerina." "I am not a ballerina." "Igor's getting beat by a girl." "Oh my god, that's crazy Lucy." "Oh my god, that's crazy Lucy." "Just save him." "Trust me." "Who?" "My back-up is here." "So, you're his back-up, huh?" "What?" "Hell, no." "Hammer don't do back-up." "We're not back-up." "We're backing up." "Who we got here?" "We got Mario, Luigi and what are you, some latina street trash?" "Oh, look at me, I'm latina." "I got long black hair and I got a hot body and stuff." "You know, you guys are the worst back-up team ever." "You know, you guys are the worst back-up team ever." "They are my back-ups." "They work for me." "You guys ever wanting to get paid, go fight her." "Go!" "Oh, you work for him, huh?" "What are you guys?" "Team rohypnol?" "Team take-off my-girlfriend's-panties when-she's-passed-out in-the-bush- drag-her-into the-gardener's-house and-then-slobber all-over-her-face and-expect-me-to-want-to kiss-that-face-afterwards team?" "Jesus, what the hell is going on?" "What the hell did you do, you retarded ruskie?" "What?" "I did nothing." "You call that nothing." "I never touched that bitch." "I don't even know her." "Bitch, huh?" "Bitch." "She is my morning glory." "She is my shining star." "She is my morning glory." "She is my shining star." "She is my sexual genie and I will fuck you up, chinaman." "Enough." "I know what your problem is." "You're a rag monster." "You wish you had big one of these and you don't." "Is that my problem?" "Is that-- Oh, is that my problem?" "I didn't know that was my problem." "No, that was What?" "What?" "Thank you for clearing that up for me." "What do you" "Hey!" "What are you guys doing in my house?" "Get out." "No." "You get out." "And now you're all gonna die." "We should run." "Jackhammer poster?" "Oh, shit." "Quick, , get in the car." "That crazy rap lady ate my poster." "Hurry up, hurry up, let's go." "Huge mistake." "The bitch is crazy." "Go!" "I come back and I put sausage in your ass." "I come back and I put sausage in your ass." "Hah!" "Hah!" "It is on." "What the hell are you boys thinking?" "You look like an idiot in front of Jason." "What?" "I did nothing." "That bitch is not real American." "Who cares about hairy balls?" "Julius starts peeler training in four hours." "Bam, dam." "What?" "Get in there, 40 minutes." "Take it off!" "Take it off!" "Your sissy ass is becoming a man tonight." "You okay?" "You ready to do this?" "Yeah, I'm ready." "As I looking really ripped right now?" "Ripple chip." "Nice." "You ain't going no baby oil tonight, eh?" "No, I think I'm good." "Yeah?" "I need some more." "Yeah?" "I need some more." "Gimme some more." "Whoo!" "I'm ready." "Let's do this." "Let's break some hearts." "♪ You know the hammer don't show his nuts for free ♪" "♪ Pay the dealer ♪" "♪ Pay the dealer ♪" "♪ If you want to see the package ♪" "♪ You've got to pay the fee ♪" "♪ Pay the dealer ♪" "♪ Pay the dealer ♪" "♪ You can check it's the hammer ♪" "♪ I'm coming out the slammer ♪" "♪ I got a big banana for your mama ♪" "♪ I've got the tearaway pants ♪" "♪ When I do my dance ♪" "♪ I'm on the stage ♪" "♪ I'm on the stage ♪" "♪ Getting paid ♪" "♪ Get that cash advance ♪" "♪ You know it's hot out here ♪" "♪ For a stripper ♪" "♪ You show 'em all you got ♪" "♪ And you know the chief tippers ♪" "♪ The hammer's well equipped ♪" "♪ And plus I'm thunder pumped ♪" "♪ And when I'm through with girls ♪" "♪ My biceps get lump ♪" "♪ I'm in a state of pain ♪" "♪ Getting dark and juicy ♪" "Todsies, man, am I glad you showed up." "I've been hitting up your digits all day long, like a crazy stalker." "Come on, hammer, you know how unreliable my cell phone battery is." "Hey, Julius." "Hey, Julius." "I hear you're gonna be joining us." "Congratulations, kid." "Oh, hey, Max glutes.Thanks." "Well, what do you mean, for what?" "Todsies, guess what?" "I got you in the 6-man bubble bath, baby." "Thank me later." "Protein shots on the house." "Protein shots." "Extra polypeptides." "The 6-man what?" "What are you guys" "Are you kidding me?" "Baby, the annual 6-man bubble bath show, man." "It's huge." "It's, like, the opportunity of the year." "Tonight?" "No, hammer, I can't." "I'm in a lot of pain right now." "I'm in a lot of pain right now." "And I almost had an old lady die on me today." "I have old ladies die on me all the time." "It's, like, part of the job, baby." "Look, you're never gonna be a PRO peeler if you let little things like that get in the way." "I don't want to be a professional peeler, hammer." "I'm just doing this so I can make enough money to get out of this town and pursue my career." "Okay, dubblies, I'm gonna come clear, all right?" "Me and some of the boys are suspecting that Tony, he's got fungus infection, man." "He's been itching and scratching all day." "He's been itching and scratching all day." "Come on, man, you can't let me get into a warm bubble bath with fungus-foot Tony." "Help me out, man." "Hey, hammer." "Is he ready for wardrobe?" "Fine, hammer." "If you need me, I'll do it." "Bam, that's what I'm talking about." "Hey, Tony, ha, ha, ha, you're out." "I ain't got no fungal foot." "Beat it." "Time's up, hammer." "Rocko seriously needs his money." "Rocko seriously needs his money." "Bronco, what's up, baby?" "It's not exactly the best time." "But if we had time to be septualizing" "I don't think so." "First time, not nice." "Second time, got me twice." "It's time you pay the Piper." "I'm gonna send your shipments" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, bronco." "No reason to start getting all crazy, all right?" "Nobody's gonna get hammer's shipment." "How much do I still owe you guys?" "Let me see, paid half so $2500." "You spent $5000 on protein?" "♪ Sometimes you got to invest ♪" "♪ If you wanna be the best ♪" "♪ If you wanna be the best ♪" "♪ Coming from the chicken breast ♪" "♪ With the red vest ♪" "♪ I use crest ♪" "♪ I'm tired of using-- ♪ Hang on a sec." "Where did you get the $2,500 from?" "I thought you were in between" "Yeah, I know, I know." "I borrowed it from you from underneath the bed." "What?" "It's all good, baby." "I'll make it you back." "Hammer, bubble-bubbles, bubble-bubbles." "All right, listen, we're gonna do the bubble bath show." "We're gonna cop some serious cheese, all right?" "I'll get you tonight." "Cool?" "All right." "Okay, well, why don't you just take everything I've got then?" "Okay, well, why don't you just take everything I've got then?" "Here, here's my last $100 in tips." "Yeah?" "Bam, that's what I'm talking about." "$100 right here, baby." "Pow!" "That makes it $2,400." "Tonight." "Three minutes to show time, everyone, three minutes to show time." "All right, baby, let's get your money back, all right?" "We're gonna do the bubble bath and then I'm gonna go see Igor about my next booking." "Bubble-bubble, baby, bubble-bubbles." "This is why I stopped returning your calls in the first place." "You get me involved in crazy scenarios and then I'm always the one that ends up having to pay for your mistakes." "What's wrong with you, baby?" "Tonight's deadly night." "What's wrong with you, baby?" "Tonight's deadly night." "We're gonna make some crazy money." "Bubble-bubbles, baby, bubble-bubbles." "No, no." "Tonight's a horrible night." "Tonight's the night that I realize that I've been stupid to think that you'd changed." "Why the hell am I always listening to you anyway?" "It's 'cause I'm the hammer and you're always up to stupid gay shit, that's why." "Oh yeah?" "Like listening to you about stripping?" "Oh, you don't want to go there, little brother." "I'm an award-winning peeler." "Plus stripping is a respectable profession." "Plus stripping is a respectable profession." "It's tough for a lot of peelers make it through college, man." "What?" "You wouldn't know about a college if it landed in your protein shake." "I'm making my own rap album, dude." "It's like a school of rapping." "It's the exact same thing." "Rapping and stripping?" "Why don't you grow up?" "You're 32 years old." "Why don't you turn straight?" "You're 27." "That fairy theater shit is embarrassing." "You're bringing down the whole family name, you know that." "We don't even have the same last name." "You don't make any sense." "You don't make any sense." "You know what?" "You know what?" "You and I are nothing alike." "You're gonna die alone with your tied-off hard-on because you only care about yourself." "Oh, I only care about myself?" "Who was stuck at home babysitting your pansy ass for three years while my friends were having glorious times?" "Riddle me that, baby, riddle me that." "That's what big brothers do when their parents are at work." "What is with you and not letting things go." "That was, like, 15 years ago." "That was three years I lost in the '80s, man." "That's like 10 years in today's time." "Plus, I'm not the one who left mom plus, I'm not the one who left mom to go live with a yuppie." "Walter was my dad." "There you go, doing that gay shit again." "See, I don't speak the language of the land of the fairies." "I knew I couldn't count on you for nothin'." "This was a huge mistake." "I actually thought that you were helping me." "Forget it." "I'd rather live in my Van than be close to you." "I think he's adopted." "No, that was really stupid, hammer." "I can't believe you took that money without even asking." "What were you thinking?" "What were you thinking?" "Hammer!" "Snap out of it." "It's cool time." "Where's my show?" "You have to be at the regent hotel in one hour." "At 3:15." "Okay they request you do genie show." "What?" "No, I hate the genie show." "Igor, we talked about this, man." "You said, "no more genie show."" "That's it, I'm not doing it." "No genie show." "You do this." " I'm not doing it." " You do this." " No, I'm not doing it." " You do this." "No, I'm not doing it." "You do this." "Dammit." "Sound like good time to me." "Sound like good time to me." "Maybe you'll crash some pussy too, huh?" "I'm so not into this tonight, man." "I'm stressing out." "I've been traumatized." "Plus, I hate the genie show, man." "I look like a fruity carpet-flying wizard." "I'm not gonna be able to get it up tonight." "Look, I'm not tying off." "Killer, best deal laptop." "Yes, I have this one." "Give me credit card." "No, give me credit card now." "$300." "I throw in plastic spatula." "This is best deal." "This is best deal." "You no get better deal anywhere else." "Okay, fine, go fuck yourself." "You call me and then you want laptop." "Look at this thing, man." "Stupid." "The ladies don't think it's sexy." "They'll laugh at me, man." "Come on, Igor." "Let me wear the silk pants." "Come on, silk pants?" "Don't make me wear this stupid teacup thing." "Okay, you wear silk pants." "But no underwear." "Deal." "I have fixed problem for you." "Russian underground erection pill." "Russian underground erection pill." "My cousin, he make it." "He want to be chemist." "You take this, you have no problem." "Look, I'm just taking what I need, all right?" "I'm leaving my bag here." "How long do they take to kick in?" "Oh, you're good." "No worry." "Igor, what the hell was in those pills you gave me, man?" "My cock is so hard it hurts." "I can't go to the lobby with this thing" "I can't go to the lobby with this thing because it's pulsating." "I don't know what's in them, I never try it." "What do you mean, you haven't tried them?" "I told you, my cousin make them." "I don't trust him." "He's idiot." "You told me he's a chemist." "I said he wants to be chemist." "What?" "Put it up in your waistband." "Don't you think I've tried the waistband trick?" "You're going down, ruskie." "I'm" "Hello?" "Dammit." "Oh, shit." "Fucking watch your fucking shit, Aladdin." "Fucking watch your fucking shit, Aladdin." "Yeah." "That's Lance selmour, with a prostitute." "Jules." "No." "Hey, buddy, psst, hey." "You wanna make $100?" "Sure." "Okay, come here." "Look, all I need you to do is keep six for hotel staff, cops or management." "I'm just gonna take my camera right here and I'm just gonna get some footage that window right there." "Cool?" "Why?" "Why?" "Don't worry about it, man." "It's no big deal." "You wanna make $100?" "Ohh!" "What the hell?" "Shit." "You some kind of pervert?" "Dammit." "Oh, shit, no thanks, man, not interested." "No, it's not what it looks like." "Buddy, relax, okay?" "Shh, shh." "Look, I'm not some kind of a pervert or something, all right?" "All right, all right, all right, buddy." "Come here, come here." "I'll tell you the truth, all right?" "Look, man, I'm a male stripper going through some issues, okay?" "I had to do this show tonight, man." "I'm taking these underground Russian erection pills from this chemist or thought he was a chemist from this chemist or thought he was a chemist but he's just really-- Oh, don't worry about it, man." "Here's $100." "C'mon, let's do this." "Not for a measly $100." "I got way more money coming down the pike, man." "What?" "What is that?" "A vision board." "Law of attraction, man." "You're kidding me." "You're a bum, dude." "You don't want $100?" "Freakin' perverts." "Dammit." "Freakin' bums." "Freakin' bums." "Oh, I got stuff to tenderize your meat, baby." "Oh, ahh, ahhhh." "Ahhhh." "I'm a vegetable." "I'm a rutabaga." "Jackhammer!" "Why you walking funny?" "What do you think I'm walking funny for, ruskie?" "Look at that, man." "What are the freaking chances?" "Look at that, man." "What are the freaking chances?" "Ooh, I like." "I think I know her." "Not the ho." "The guy." "That's that casting director guy that blue-balled Julius." "He's married, remember," "I just caught him at the hotel with this prostitute." "Igor, you're not getting it, man." "With this, I can get Julius another shot at that audition, man." "You're an idiot." "Why do you even give shit?" "I give a shit because I've been a shitty brother my whole life." "I never supported Julius in anything, man." "Nothing, and I just messed up bad." "I'm gonna put my rap album on hold so I can finally be the brother I know I should be" "and let Julius go after his dream." "You know what I mean?" "Have you been listening to anything I said?" "Yes, I said you were idiot." "Are you crying?" "What?" "No." "You're an emotional pussy." "You selfish sponge cake, cry me a river." "What?" "You love bubble baths and pink daiquiris." "What?" "What?" "I ask you what." "I said I'm doing it for Julius." "I don't care what it takes." "Oh, hello, Mr. hammer." "Nee how, sue sue." "Is Frederick free?" "Ooh, he and mito are training on patio." "Ooh, he and mito are training on patio." "It's important." "Ooh, I don't know." "Please." "I don't know." "Please." "Okay, okay, okay, okay." "Follow me." "Mr. hammer." "Mr. hammer!" "Hey, Freddie." "Hey, hammer." "I got your message." "I was gonna call you when I wasn't so busy working out." "Look, I know you're training for the worlds and everything." "I'm just" "It's okay, gorgeous." "Oh, baby, you look stressed." "Meet me in the tub." "I could use a tub." "Make me and hammer make me and hammer two extra-strength protein shakes on the double." "I said extra-strength." "Hmmm." "What's the matter?" "When I first scouted you, I knew, like, two seconds you had world championship potential." "I'm not gonna risk my investment." "I'm not gonna risk my investment." "Freddie, I can't do this without you, man." "Ladies, go play." "I need to talk to hammer alone." "And before we get into all the details, have you actually thought this thing through?" "Yeah." "I mean, do you realize you can go to jail for this for a very long time and miss the world championship of peeling?" "Not to mention you're on the verge of having your music heard and maybe a record deal?" "You know what?" "I don't care about any of that stuff right now, Freddie." "All I care about is just making it up to Julius." "Lance selmour is a high-profile douche but he's no pushover." "You're way over your head, hammer." "I beg to difference." "I beg to difference." "With this footage, he's gonna poop his pants." "All we gotta do is get past the security at the Manhattan and, boom, we're in, baby." "C'mon, man, are you with me?" "You're putting your life on the line, hammer." "I'm putting my life on the line?" "Okay, I'll do it." "But on three conditions." "One, we do this like a tag team strip show." "Yeah." "Matching accessories, matching outfits." "And two, you take the lead for once, okay?" "And we put the pressure on him the whole time." "And we put the pressure on him the whole time." "And three, if everything goes well, you need to train for the real championship of peeling." "Bam." "That's what I'm talking about." "I'm gonna cry, baby." "Thank you." "God delivered me a gift when he brought me you." "How are ye going?" "Welcome to the parkside." "We're here to Jimmy the lift, oy." "Sorry?" "C'mon, mate." "Skedaddle." "Skedaddle." "Skedaddly-do, get out of here." "Okay, I don't even know what that means." "And there's nothing on the list about repairs." "And there's nothing on the list about repairs." "Look, mate, you've got a 2-ton lift that's dallywaggin' the dongadin." "Right now." "Is that on your list, oy?" "That on your list, oy?" "Yes, is that on your list?" "Tell him, , no time for a chinwag, eh?" "Straight away, then, get your wriggle on." "I don't even know what the hell" "On with it, on with it." "Listen, mate, you're always doing this." "From now on, I'm talking to the blokes in charge." "What a flat out waste of." "♪ I took my shovel out ♪" "♪ dug myself a shallow grave ♪" "♪ dug myself a shallow grave ♪" "♪ offered up my soul to god ♪" "♪ and waited for it to be saved ♪" "What's up?" "Listen, I know we're not on the list but we did get a call from the head office." "And I am so tired right now." "All I want to do is go home, get out of these clothes and take a nice hot, soapy shower." "Ah, sure." "Ah, sure." "They mess up on these lists all the time, anyways." "Rico, suave, get to work." "Oh, yes, sorry, guys." "Go ahead, go ahead." "I can give you my number now if you like." "Yeah, you can give me your number." "I'll call you." "Ready to do this?" "Let's do this." "Woo, what the hell?" "Ooh, shit." "I knew this was coming." "Sorry, honey, but we're going up." "Oh, me too." "Frederick?" "No, guadelupa." "No, guadelupa." "Oh, no." "You're Frederick." "Saskatchewan peel-off champion '94 through '97." "Busted." "Ohh." "Okay, busted, busted." "Isn't this your floor?" "No, no." "This is your floor." "No, come on, I don't want to go." "Listen, the elevator's going up and you're gonna" "Hey, I'm a peeler too." "Frederick, I know that's you." "I know it's you." "What's your number?" "You said you'd call me, goddammit." "Groupies." "Wasn't that" "Awkward?" "Yeah." "Awkward?" "Yeah." "That's right." "Coming to you on a wide lens, that's right." "Is he black?" "I don't know." "He looked white but, damn, he's black down below." "He looked white but, damn, he's black down below." "Kunta kinte." "What?" "Housekeeping." "Go away." "Housekeeping." "What's up, Anna Nicole?" "Ha, ha, ha!" "How'd you like that, huh?" "How'd you like that?" "How'd you like that?" "How'd you like that?" "Yes." "What the hell's going on?" "Who are you?" "Don't worry about who we are." "We know who we are." "It's about who you are." "Power tripping' douche bag." "Yeah, power trippin' douche bag." "Get the fuck out of my suite." "I'm gonna call security." "Ha, ha, I don't think so, baby." "Hell, no." "See, you're the guy that's getting my kind, see, you're the guy that's getting my kind," "Julius Warner, another shot at that audition." "Kilby?" "What up?" "Pass him exhibit a." "Whoa!" "What's up, now." "See on or about the 18th day of July at approximately 11:0" "5." "You, Mr. Lance selmour, were engaged in some weird ass shit." "Weird ass shit." "And it about to change your life as you know it." "As you know it, son." "Yeah." "So you're screwed right now, baby." "Did you film this?" "Yeah." "On this camera?" "On this camera?" "That's the one." "Is this your only copy?" "You better believe it." "Oh, you two jackasses." "I'm serious, are you for real?" "Do you even know how to tie your own shoes?" "Jesus Christ, Shrek and fucking super Mario." "Jesus Christ, Shrek and fucking super Mario." "Jack black's fatter brother and the fucking situation's more steroided upped brother." "No, wait, no." "No." "Fucking the before and after pictures of fit for life." "Is that really your only copy?" "I didn't have two cameras." "Okay, well, that's enough entertainment for one day." "Please, get the fuck out of my suite." " Hey." " What?" "Get out!" "Oh!" "Come here." "I guess it's time for plan b." "You want to abort him?" "No, not that plan b." "Like a back-up plan." "You do have a back-up plan, right?" "No, we don't." "I know, look, all we gotta do is get some incriminating photos of him with some prostitute." "I'm just gonna call Igor, get him to bring one of his sleazy sluts down here." "I'll do it." "What?" "Freddie, you know we could have just called a girl, man." "Freddie, you know we could have just called a girl, man." "There's no time, hammer." "Eugh!" "Oh, yeah, man." "Oh, yeah, touch me." "Touch those boobs, yeah." "Oh, yeah." "Spank me." "Spank me, baby." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "You like that, baby?" "Oh, yeah." "Thanks for putting me in one of your movies, Lance." "Yeah." "Wake him up." "Wake." "Hey!" "How'd you like that?" "D'you like that smell?" "Hey, exhibit b, baby." "What's up now?" "Your wife gonna see that, baby." "And what you gonna do then?" "You gonna be broke as a joke." "Yeah." "Oh god." "Is this your only copy?" "Oh no, you don't." "Okay." "Okay, okay, all right, all right." "For god's sake, please, Jesus Christ, don't show that to anyone." "Okay, what do you want?" "What do I want?" "I want you to take my client, Julius Warner, to the top, 'til it just don't drop." "I tick tock, I'm playing" "Okay, all right, fine-- Chicken pox." "I got it." "With the locks." "I got it, I got it!" "I got it, okay?" "My rhyme's usually way tighter than that." "Okay, all right, fine." "Just have this Julius Warner meet me in New York on Monday morning." "I'll give him the lead in something," "I don't know, anything." "I know people." "I'll make calls." "Deal a involved you and some sleazy prostitute." "No big deal." "No big deal." "But deal b involves you and guadelupa." "It's whole 'nother level." "Dudey-whore level." "Fuck!" "Okay, all right." "All right." "Meet me at the back lots tomorrow." "My assistant will give you $50,000 for whatever charity you want, all right?" "We clear?" "Bam." "That's what I'm talking about." "Jackhammer!" "Cookies?" "Oh, shit." "Who were those guys at the party?" "I want to know." "I still can't wash the smell of Russian out of my girlfriend's hair." "Who were they?" "Jesus, lady, I'm just the gardener." "Just the gardener." "Hell, no, I understand." "Well, why don't I harvest these nuts?" "Agh, wait." "Agh, wait." "I got a number for someone else." "He'll be there tomorrow." "All right." "There you go." "I'll get a pen." "What do you want, hammer?" "Juleses, I'm so glad you answered." "Look, I made it up to you." "I did something for you to make it all okay." "I don't need your help, hammer." "I'm doing perfectly fine on my own." "I got you another audition with Lance selmour." "What?" "When?" "Meet us at Igor's office in 30 minutes." "Okay, well, I'm just in the middle of luncheon right now." "Look, man, I see things totally differently now." "Look, man, I see things totally differently now." "We're cut from the same cloth, we're like brothers." "I mean, we are brothers." "Crockett and tubbs, baby." "Julius, you have to" "Lance giving Jules the audition in New York, it's great stuff." "But the money part, it's really, really wrong." "You can't accept it." "It changes everything." "He doesn't care." "We didn't ask for the money." "He wants to donate it." "You taking that money tomorrow raises the stakes by tenfold." "I'm really going to New York?" "Take the money." "The money is good part of deal." "The money is good part of deal." "We all get cash for being involved and everyone's happy." "Are you sure we're not gonna go to jail for this?" "There's no way that he's gonna set us up to go to jail, right, hammer?" "You know I'm getting pissed off here, right?" "I mean, we are all deep involved." "It's good for everybody." "Igor, it's not about you." "It's not about me." "It's about Julius." "So just stop, drop, and roll it." "All right?" "Hammer?" "There's no chance of Mr. selmour setting us up to go to jail, right?" "I know what happens to guys like me in the clink." "I know what happens to guys like me in the clink." "What if he does set you up?" "This was not part of the plan, you guys." "I give up." "I'm leaving." "What?" "Where are you going?" "So..." "You guys are being stupid in there, hammer." "This was supposed to be about you making it up to Jules and not about that money." "Samantha, this money's gonna help Julius get set up in New York." "It's a no-brainer." "You don't need that dirty money you don't need that dirty money and you know that, hammer." "For a minute, I thought that you were actually growing up." "But listening to this..." "You know what?" "Forget it." "I got to go." "I have a date." "What?" "With who?" "Samantha!" "With who?" "With the doorman." "From Lance's building?" "Yeah." "Gross." "That guy's face looks like a horse." "You got to be kidding me." "Come on, Samantha, you're way better than that." "You're hanging out with peelers now." "That's another thing, hammer." "You insult everyone I date." "That's another thing, hammer." "You insult everyone I date." "Why do you do that?" "Do you ever hear me saying anything about the little hoochies you date?" "What are you talking about?" "You're jealous." "And it's so obvious that you care for me more than a friend." "But you don't have the balls to say anything." "It's pathetic, hammer." "You're an emotional dwarf." "Okay, whoa, slow it down, okay?" "Maybe he doesn't look like a horse, that much." "First of all, you know that hammer's not supposed to do relationships in my line of work." "People get hurt." "People get hurt." "Maybe it's hard for me to express my emotionalities." "Maybe, yeah, the hammer's had some feelings." "Save it, hammer." "It's too late." "Whatever we have here, it's over, hammer." "It's over." "Yeah?" "Well, good, 'cause I don't give a shit." "And he does look like a horse." "And so do you." "You guys could be the horse couple big time." "Boy, I don't care." "You hear me?" "It's over." "You hear me?" "It's over." "It's over." "You hear me?" "Don't ever call me again." "Over." "It's over." "So what are we gonna do now?" "And why did Igor kick me out of his office like that?" "He's got some serious temper issues." "He's got some serious temper issues." "We're gonna pack up our stuff tonight." "And tomorrow after we meet Lance selmour, we're driving to New York." "I got nothing holding me back here now, man." "Nothing." "Okay." "And we'll start fresh in New York." "It'll be good for both of us, a new beginning." "Hammer, what's wrong with your 'stache?" "What?" "Ah, dammit." "Crap!" "Is that a fake moustache?" "Yeah, this 'stache is fake." "Yeah, this 'stache is fake." "I'm a fake." "Why?" "Why?" "'Cause I can't freakin' grow a proper one, that's why." "I have a condition called moustacheopecia." "Patchy irregular hair growth." "Look." "Okay, that's enough." "I'm so ashamed, man." "I'm sorry I let you down, little brother." "I'm sorry I let you down, little brother." "What are you talking about, hammer?" "I don't care about your moustache." "I don't know why you do." "I don't know." "I guess, if you want to get technically psychologically about it, all my heroes growing up, man, they had lush thick 'staches." "They were ladies' men." "Men's men." "I guess I always thought in order to be a real stud," "I needed to look just like 'em." "I needed to look just like 'em." "I can't." "'Cause I'm a fraud, man." "A fake." "I ain't jackhammer, man." "I'm hammer vanilli." "Really?" "C'mon, that's silly." "Name a couple." "What, are you kidding me, man?" "Tom Selleck," "Charles Bronson," "Ron Jeremy, Freddie Mercury," "Mike ditka, Geraldo," "Lanny McDonald," "Alex trebek," "Alex trebek, captain Morgan, captain crunch." "Okay, okay, I get your point." "Cap'n crunch was always my favorite too." "Yeah?" "I'm gonna go pack." "What?" " Rocko, it's hammer." " I need to swing by." "I need to stock up." "I'll need 'em for the big apples tomorrow." "The emporium's closed, hammer." "Rocko, I'm down on my last protein bar." "I'm serious." "I wouldn't lie to you about this." "I don't want to be the one to have to tell you this, hammer." "But you've got a real problem." "You need to look at yourself in the mirror." "I do that all the time." "You're not listening to me." "I'm gonna have to cut you off." "I'm gonna have to cut you off." "There's a 10-step program you can take." "It starts with an all-carb diet." "What?" "I'm sorry." "Good luck, hammer." "♪ Loneliness is feeling ♪" "♪ don't let me down ♪" "♪ I will just feel this way ♪" "♪ but it's taking hold of me ♪" "♪ but it's taking hold of me ♪" "♪ baby why'd you make me cry?" "♪" "♪ I try and I try to deny that this thing wasn't serious ♪" "♪ Girl you really ♪" "♪ Why'd you have to walk away?" "♪" "What are you doing down there?" " God." "Geez, help." " Julius." " God." "Geez, help." " Julius." "Julius." "What are you doing down there?" "You're interrupting my moments." "Help, help." "Help, hammer." "They got me." "Igor." "What the hell you doing, man?" "What the hell you doing, man?" "You know what I do." "You got greedy with money and tried screwing me." "Not very American of you." "Look, you're not being very '80s right now." "Don't make me kick some kung-fu ass up in here." "Okay, stop." "Let Julius go." "So I have deal for you." "I take my share of the money, we split 50-50." "Sound good?" "No, don't sound good 'cause hammer don't do deals, usually." "This is how deal go down." "Tomorrow, you and Julius, you meet Lance selmour like planned." "And I follow you in different car, make sure you're not set up by police." "Make sure you're not set up by police." "Then you drive away with the money." "I make sure you are not followed." "Then you meet me inside this address." "You give me money." "I release you from stripping contract." "Then you go New York." "We both happy." "No trap." "That's my last protein bar, man." "Well, I forgot my lunch." "Don't do it." "I do this." "Do not do it." "I do this." "Don't do it." "I do this." "Don't do it." "I do this." "Do not take my last protein bar." "I do this." "Do not take my last protein bar." "I do this." "Dammit." "Damn, I hate Russians." "You okay?" "Come here." "We're still set." "Come on." "Seven, eight, nine and release." "I'm glad you're okay, tubbses." "He got me right in the elbow." "Oh, don't be such a wuss-puss." "I've got tennis elbow." "So what are we gonna do?" "You think we could get away without giving him the money?" "No, not Igor, man." "He's been acting like a huge homosensual lately." "He's backdooring everybody." "It's not worth it, man." "We'll just start fresh in New York." "We got to go get some haircuts to help me think." "Okay." "Okay." "Please hold on the line." "Trying to track someone down and I got to listen to this crap?" "Who is it, and what do you want?" "I tell you what I want." "I want that slimy ruskie who snuck into your swank-ass party." "Hey, hey, leave the monkey in the corner." "No, leave him." "Leave him in the corner." "He said leave the monkey in the corner, you stupid tit." "Listen to me, fruitcake." "I need to know exactly where this Russian sausage" "I need to know exactly where this Russian sausage and his beefcake boyfriend are." "Do you hear me?" "Jackhammer." "Whatever." "Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever." "Look, I'll see you around downtown, Charlie brown." "Who's gonna see who around now, brown cow?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Just pull up doodle earth." "Now doodle "jackhammer."" "Now doodle "jackhammer."" "Ha, ha, ha, we have a track on their location." "Ha, ha." "You found them through doodle earth?" "Oh, yeah, it's in their latest software update." "What is it, free or--?" "No, it's 99 cents." "That's where they get you." "I know, right?" "We're sending you the coordinates." "How could I have been so blind, tubbses?" "How could I have been so blind, tubbses?" "Samantha is the only one I've ever cared for." "I am an emotional dwarf." "Come on, hammer, don't be ridiculous." "You're not an emotional dwarf." "Yes, I am." "A little man of emotions, so to speak." "Sometimes certain people just take longer to realize what they feel inside." "Love is a complicated thing." "I guess I thought I was protein depleted inside whenever Samantha was around." "I got the dizzies and stuff." "But it's too late." "Samantha said whatever we had was over." "She went with the horse." "You know how I feel about horses." "Hammer, Samantha's upset about getting involved with Lance's blackmail money, not about anything else." "Maybe we should think harder about getting out of this tomorrow and start from scratch in New York." "Tubbses, I guarantee you Igor's out there right now making sure that we don't skip town tomorrow." "It's not worth it." "I can't risk him putting his dirty Russian fingers on you again." "It's disgusting." "Damn, I hate Russians." "How you doing today?" "How you doing today?" "Good dude." "Dude, good." "Need a haircut and a beard cut." "There's just a few people ahead of you." "Can I get your name please?" "Oh, Keith..." "Kiefer sutherland." "I'm sorry it had to turn out this way, hammer." "I want to thank you for what you're doing for me, really." "Anything but a chicken wing, Crockett and tubbs, baby." "Agghhh!" "Hammer, are you all right?" "Hammer?" "Hammer?" "I told you I'd get you basket-weaving numbnuts." "What's your problem, man?" "Woman?" "Whatever." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "What he meant to say is, we were never the ones that you had a beef with." "I didn't have beef with you, fool." "I'm a vegetarian." "But I'd make an exception for you." "But I'd make an exception for you." "I would eat you in a second and your stupid friend." "Bellyful of a-hole." "Oh, look." "We might have something that you might like." "What's your problem?" "I wanted to show you that I wasn't playing around." "Now, I do like rewards." "Start talking, fools." "I got to go get it." "I got to go get it." "I can go get it." "I got to go get it." "Faster." "Faster, talk more and faster." "Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk." "Shut up." "Talk, shut up, talk." "I'll talk to you." "We'll figure this all out, okay?" "Jesus." "What's going on?" "Did the deal go down?" "Well, get the look out so you can see." "What's going on?" "Is money there?" "Is deal go down?" "Deal go down." "Okay, get in car." "What you looking at?" "What you see?" "Well, give me binocular." "What is this piece of shit?" "Next time, get real binocular." "There they are." "I know, I am not blind." "Put down stupid binocular." "Make sure you stick to the plan, alright?" "What the fuck?" "He's going in the wrong trailer." "What the fuck?" "You wait here." "Hammer, hammer, you're in the wrong trailer." "Hammer, whose trailer is this?" "Hey, stupid hammer." "Hammer, what you doing?" "I give you job in strip show." "I am not a ballerina." "Get ready to point your toes, little ballerina." "It's payback time." "Get him, muffin." "Point your toe." "Noooo!" "Jackhammer!" "I got to make one quick stop, all right, tubbses?" "Wake up." "Wake up." "Gracias, amigo." "This is important, man." "You guys gotta help me out, cool?" "Gracias, amigos." "Samantha." "Samantha." "Hammer." "What are you doing here?" "Hammer." "What are you doing here?" "Just go." "Samantha, no." "Please." "Roses are red, violets are blue." "I know what you're thinking, I pity the fool." "I'm so sorry, Sam, I've been immature." "But underneath the hard hammer, I've been a bit insecure." "How could I have been so blind not to see what you did." "You've opened the hammer's eyes to see that I was stupid." "When I met you on the plane in seat 16c," "I didn't even watch the in-flight movie and I always do." "Since that day in the clouds, I've been a big dork but you're the Adrian to my rocky, the mindy to my mork." "I'm ready to change." "I'm ready to morph." "Samantha, I no longer want to be that emotional dwarf." "Roses are red, violets are blue." "Roses are red, violets are blue." "I know it's too late, Samantha." "Let the hammer love you." "I love you, Samantha." "Gracias, amigo." "Gracias." "Hammer, come here." "That was pretty cheesy." "Look, I am so sorry." "I know the hammer's been a huge doucher" "I know the hammer's been a huge doucher and all I want to do is just make it up to you." "♪ I need your help baby this way ♪" "♪ I need your loving every day yeah ♪" "♪ I need your help baby this way ♪" "♪ I need your loving-- ♪" "Bam, that's what I'm talking about." "Whoa!" "♪ Since you've gone baby-- ♪" "Come with us to New York." "What, now?" "Yeah, don't worry about your stuff." "We'll send for it later." "C'mon, let's go." "You're crazy." "You're crazy." "But let's do it." "Come on." "♪ Oh you know where I go inside my dreams ♪" "New York, New York." "You know I don't eat pork." "The hammer takes the veggies and fork, a-whoa-oh," "I'm feeling good, yeah, yeah, yeah, hey, hey." "You can tell the hammer feeling so good." "The hammer's got a surprise for the Samantha." "The hammer's got a surprise for the Samantha." "Tubbses, pull over." "Okay." "This is to show you that the hammer does have a heart of gold." "Whooo!" "Wow, I can't believe you just did that, hammer." "And you did it just for me?" "Hells, yes." "Plus, the world peeling championships are in New York, so you know what that means." "Hammer's gonna get paid and then he might get laid, hammer's gonna get paid and then he might get laid, in the shade." "Lemonade, escalade" "Jackhammer!" "Freddie, it's me." "Remember?" "Oh, I don't want to sound like a stalker or anything but, you know, just waiting down here for you, just waiting down here for you, so just get in that elevator and get down here." "In this week's rising stars, this young thespian is quickly becoming a Broadway sensation." "Julius Warner has wowed theatergoers with his electrifying performance in" ""psycho, the musical."" "And for all you animal lovers out there," "Julius's next project, "Noah,"" "opens two weeks from today." "In other news, the state of New York is preparing for the highly anticipated world male stripping championships." "Talent from around the globe will come to compete talent from around the globe will come to compete for the ultimate title of world's best stripper and the coveted golden thong." "Freddie, just caught up." "Call me back, Freddie." "Bye." "I really want you to come down, okay?" "I'm not very far away." "Call me back." "All right?" "Or just come downstairs, okay?" "I'm not gonna eat until I see you." "Time to get to stanko, stanko." "Sorry, man." "Who do you know?" "Who do you know?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "Who?" "...don't see this wonderful actress," "I'm gonna quit right now." "Is it raining in here?" "Is it raining in here?" "What the fuck is going on with your head?" "It's a fucking tropical rainforest in here." "What the fuck?" "What the fuck?" "What the fuck,." "Jackhammer!" "Hi, it's me again." "Yeah, I'm just downstairs if you want to get together." "I've called a few times, I know, but I know you're up there." "I know you're up there." "Call me back." "Fred, I just want to make sure I mentioned that I'm downstairs." "♪ Jackhammer hammer ♪"