"Number five is number one." "Number seven is number two." "Number three and number four are tied for number three." "What are you talking about?" "I'm ranking my favorite "fast and the furious" movies." "You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me." "No, it isn't." "You could tell me your real name, for starters." "My name is Jason Mendoza." "I'm from Florida." "And I'm a professional amateur DJ." "And is, uh, that a family member?" "I wish." "That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive." "You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with." "You know what?" "It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person." "How did you get here?" "I don't know, but, please, dawg, you can't tell Michael about me." "You have some nerve asking me for favors when you have spent weeks deceiving me, making a fool out of me, and bringing snack food into my house." "Disgusting." "Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now." "Shawn, the judge, could show up at any moment, so we need to have a rock-solid argument for why fake Eleanor should not be sent to the bad place." "Should be fun." "That's the spirit!" "Don't even think about the fact that our slightest misstep could cause fake Eleanor to suffer for eternity." "That's all I'm thinking about now." "Yep, shouldn't have said that." "Regretted it immediately." "Bambadjan was a human rights advocate, so he and real Eleanor will build a sort of legal argument." "Um, ahem, could you please just say "Eleanor,"" "and maybe point to whichever one of us you're addressing?" "Well, actually, the fake/real distinction helps me." "Oh, does it, Bambadjan?" "Now, I know a fair amount about your time on earth." "Why don't you tell me about your time here?" "Anything that might help your case." "Well, in the first 24 hours, I caused the world to erupt into chaos, and then I caused a garbage storm." "It was kind of a rough start, but things calmed down after Chidi started helping me learn about ethics." "Okay, tell me about that." "Well, I studied with Chidi every day, and then Chidi got sick of me, so I did some nice stuff to make him feel better." "And later, I confessed because Chidi was being tortured by guilt, and I just felt awful seeing his little, nerdy face all contorted." "Oh, Eleanor, I have a stomachache because of what you did." "He is such a dork." "You know, a lot of death row inmates feel regret about things they never said... admissions of guilt or anger..." "Or love." "Are you making a move on me?" "It's fine..." "I just didn't see it coming." "Uh, well, hooking up with someone with the exact same name, it is kind of a fun, narcissistic fantasy... no, no, Eleanor, I..." "I'm talking..." "I could be into it." "Mm, no, I'm talking about you and Chidi." "Now, ordinarily, you having feelings for my soul mate would be a conflict of interest..." "whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "You think I'm into Chidi?" "Yes, Eleanor, I do." "Because you are." "You mentioned his name nine times in the last ten minutes." "Nobody asked you, Bambadjan." "I'm not sure what will work with Shawn, but we should have all our bases covered." "Shall we start with the Greeks or would you prefer the modern British masters?" "Chidi?" "I'm sorry, choices are hard for me when I'm under pressure." "I know that, buddy, but we're short of time here, and it's kind of important for Eleanor." "Right, which is why I can't take this lightly." "What if I screw up?" "Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during rock-paper-scissors because there were, and I quote," ""just too many variables."" "I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences." "Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision." "Retroactively?" "I mean, h... how do you even...?" "I don't know." "Okay, we have so many big choices to make." "Let's..." "let's start small." "Do you want to use a dry erase board or the regular pen and paper?" "Just pick." " Chidi, just pick!" "Come on, Chidi, pick someone." "Don't pressure me, Uzo." "I have to consider all the factors." "Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics." "Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality, or... or is that pandering?" "Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view?" "I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed." "You're always vexed." "Just pick." "Okay, fine, uh, I choose tokunbo." "You can't draft the teacher." "Pick a kid." "Come on, Chidi." "Just pick someone." "Congratulations, Chidi." "You filibustered recess." "No, no, no, you're wrong." "There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like about him." "Like what?" "His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection, oh, and he loves ethics so much." "He once talked about John Rawls for two hours..." "I timed it." "And he only stopped because he saw me timing him." "Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself, it was a nice moment, but still." "He always twitches his eyebrows when he says "absolutism," and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant, but he never makes fun of me, which is nice." "He's also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork," "I'm in love with Chidi." "Let's take a little break." "I know this is awkward, but as your advocate, and, I hope, friend," "I think you should tell Chidi how you feel." "Would a hug make you feel better?" "No, I don't think that it would... oh, too late, you're getting one." "Thanks, Bambadjan, that does make me feel better." "Mm-hmm." "Yet another lie." "You didn't paint this." "You got Janet to do it." "No, no, no, Chidi did it." "I got you an awesome painting, but then he switched it to this one because he said you'd like it more, and he made me memorize stuff to say to you so you wouldn't be so sad." "This is all his fault." "You should yell at him." "Chidi helped you make me happy." "It's almost as if he was trying to... oh, oh, my." "Of course." "This is the cool painting I made." "This guy's famous." "I mean, who even are those ladies?" "Yeah, it would be easier to sort out the issue of dry erase versus paper if I could write down the pros and cons for each, but, of course," "I would have to use one of them to write down the pros and cons for them, which is problematic." "Wow." "Ethics team, how's it going?" "Terribly." "Cool." "Well, you guys are kind of my last hope, so that's not great." "Hey, do you mind if I borrow professor stomachache here for a second?" "Please, take him for an hour, take all the time you want." " Okay, sit down, maybe." "I dated many annoying guys, okay?" "They would call me all times of the day" ""just to talk" or ask me if I'd taken cash out of their wallets, stupid stuff." "And when I stopped having fun with them," "I'd leave." "Usually wouldn't even call or anything." "I'd just bounce." "Gotta go spend that money you stole." "Point is, you are way more of a buzzkill than any of those dudes." "Okay, thanks for this conversation." "But, somehow, I never want to leave you." "I want to stay in the good place because of you." "Because I love you." "I think." "No, I'm pretty sure." "Yeah, I love you." "Ugh, that's embarrassing." "I feel so itchy." "Sorry." "Don't say anything." "I just needed to get that off my chest." "Okay, I'm gonna go." "Catch you later, silly Billy." "Ugh, love has made me a nerd." "Bye." "Jianyu's a fake." "He's not supposed to be here." "Just like your "soul mate."" "More importantly, you did the ballerina painting 'cause you were trying to protect my feelings, because you love me." "Oh, Chidi, don't you see?" "This is the real mistake that was made in our neighborhood." "You and I are soul mates." "It makes so much sense." "Oh, but..." "no, Chidi, true love is rare, like a desert flower betwixt two oases, but true love's also very simple." "And right now, I'm just a girl..." "Towering over a boy..." "Asking him to admit he loves me." "I feel like her confession of love was a lot better than mine." "Can I get a do-over?" "I need to step outside..." "For some air, and I will not be back for many days." "Dude, you can't just run away." "You have to..." " it looks calm now, but the storm is imminent." "We're... - what's up, Carson Daly?" "Do I get a cake for that?" "My name is Jason." "I wanna give a shout-out to all my homies up in Jacksonville." " I am not Carson Daly." "I'm a weather reporter." "A hurricane is coming." "You need seek shelter." " I'm on TV!" " Okay." "Hey, Janet?" "Hi, there." "What are you watching?" "My greatest accomplishment ever." "I'm trying to cheer myself up because I'm sad." "I think I might be in big trouble." "Can you bring me something that will make me not-sad?" "Let me think." "Sorry that took so long." "Here you go." "Oh, dang." "Are these from my favorite restaurant, stupid Nick's wing dump?" "Stupid Nick's closed down because a pelican fell in the flash fryer, but he opened a new place called ugly Nick's meat trench." "These are an exact replica of that recipe." "Why are you so nice to me?" "Well, you were very nice to me while I was rebooting." "Also, I'm programmed to be nice to everyone." "Janet?" "I just realized something." "I love you." "Okay." "I have one more question for you." "So you also love Chidi, and you... you just told him, just now, right before I did?" "Technically, you told him that he loves you, but yes." "This isn't ideal." "We must remain civil." "He's simply going to have to pick one of us, and the loser will just have to accept her fate with grace and equanimity." "Maybe if you lose." "If he doesn't pick me," "I'ma start throwing stuff." "Classy as always." "I suppose you knew that Jianyu was a fake, didn't you?" "Yes, I did." "Figured you two charlatans would sniff each other out like two mangy rats sharing a pizza crust in a sewer... okay..." "No." "We're not gonna do this." "We are not gonna be those women who fight over a guy and find any excuse to rip each other apart." "I am not going to apologize for being angry." "You knew that my soul mate was lying to me." "Yes, I did, and I'm very sorry." "Listen, you and I have a weird, complicated, forked-up friendship, but it's our friendship, and I care about it." "Let's do something fun." "What would make you feel happy, right now?" " You have a fine home," "Deirdre..." "I absolutely adore your shares." " I don't know bugger all about a shares..." "I been using this as a bloody toilet, I have." "What's this show called, again?" " It's "Deirdre and Margaret."" "It ran for 16 years on the BBC." "They did nearly 30 episodes." "It's about two women from very different worlds who become friends, sort of like us." " Oh, Deirdre, no!" "That's priceless art!" " I thought it was fruit, innit?" "Deirdre." "I take it the moron is me?" "Well, it's not a direct parallel." "Okay, we did your thing." "Now it's my turn." "Are you ready to take our bonding to the next level?" "Oh, good, you're back." "Yeah, I, uh, I know we're short on time, but I need your help with a personal dilemma." "This is about fake Eleanor and real Eleanor." "Yes, which person is my soul mate?" "Real Eleanor, that's what the system determined." "Okay." "Of course, the system did screw up by letting fake Eleanor in." "You know, it's interesting." "Fake Eleanor being selected accidentally and then you bonding with her could have shifted the formula." "Right, it's one of those two people." "Well, I d..." "I don't know." "I mean, the system might be so screwed up at this point that maybe you don't belong to either Eleanor." "Oh..." "You is spreading..." "What?" "Your indecisiveness is infecting me like a virus." "Oh, Chidi, this could send us down a very dangerous path." "If you can't make a choice, this whole neighborhood could fall apart." "Okay, getting close here." "Just mulling the ethical ramifications of various soups." "Ah, same old Chidi." "I can come back for a fifth time." "Yeah, you know, maybe that's smart." "How are you?" "Uzo, it's been too long." "It has, it has." "Look, as you know," "Ellen and I are engaged." "You're my oldest friend, and I love you like a brother, and that's why I'd like you to not be my best man." "Sorry?" "Look, if you were my best man, you'd have to plan the bachelor party, decide what to say in your toast, handle problems that pop up the day of." "It would drive you up the wall." "Well, Uzo, this isn't choosing soccer teams on a playground." "When something's important to me, I can make a decision." "Um, excuse me, excuse me." "I have decided I would like to unequivocally order the pumpkin soup." "Perfect." "You kind of want to change your order." "Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking." "Yeah." "Excuse me, risotto." "Risotto?" " As much as I'm enjoying this, shouldn't we be working on your case to try and stay here?" "Honestly, how am I gonna help them?" "They are much smarter than me." "Now, hair extensions?" "This is where I shine." "You were already at almost-maximum hotness, but now you look like a sexy, tan Rapunzel." "Ugh, the dream." "And how exactly did you learn how to do this?" "When I was 14, I had to make myself look older to get a job." "These were the ones I used, and they are real cheap." "You're gonna want to stay away from open flames and altercations at outlet malls." "Hey..." "I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you about Jianyu and that you got saddled with him." "Yes, that is regrettable, but..." "I forgive you." "Maybe you two are soul mates." "Holy shirt." "Maybe we are." "I know it seems crazy," "Jianyu is a hot dummy, definitely my type." "We both love to dance, we were both banned from public transit systems in our cities." "I think this is the answer." "People come in pairs here, and if the system paired us up, then maybe somehow" "I do belong here with him." "Hi, there." "Jason and I are getting married in ten minutes, and you're invited." "Here, we've got Eleanor, real Eleanor, and a theoretical third person." "Let's call her..." "Strawberry mango twist." "Okay, close your eyes." "Think about each of the women." "Open your eyes." "The answer is real Eleanor." "How do you know?" "I don't, but the minute I said that, you knew instinctively whether it felt right." "Well, hang on, let me think about that." "Because it..." "no, no." "No more thinking, Chidi." "Just do something." "Indecision caused you so much agony in your life, right up to the very end." "I had a little trouble writing my speech." "Um..." "I wrote 11 different versions." "Wedding's in 20 minutes, buddy." "Oh, boy, I mean, these run about 55 minutes a piece." "I'm really hot." "Is this air conditioner even working?" "Yes, it is." "You're just having a literal meltdown." "Also, you're not dressed yet, and we haven't picked up the rings." "Okay, well, uh, there's an issue there involving what I consider to be unfair labor practices on the part of the jeweler." "And we never had a bachelor party because you could never settle on a location or time." "I'm sorry, you were right." "This is too much for me." "You should just leave me here and go get married." "My wedding isn't for another month." "This was a test to see if you could handle being my best man, and, just as I predicted, you failed, miserably." "Oh, no." "No, I mean, I'm..." "I'm relieved, but this is embarrassing." "It's okay, bud." "Obviously, I prepared for this." "Let's just go have a nice night." "I'll buy you a beer." "30 minutes, Chidi?" "We have been trying to pick a bar for 30 minutes." "It is literally impossible to be your friend." "You're incapable of making a single decision." "Look, I know I can be indecisive, but what's the harm in taking a few extra minutes to find the perfect..." "Chidi?" "You're right." "I just need to make a decision." "I'm gonna look each of these women in the eye, trust my gut, and figure out how I feel." "You're kidding." "That worked?" "Great!" "Go do it!" "Ha!" "Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to married." "Yo, check it." "This is great." "At different moments during our time here, we both thought that tragic Mike over here was our one true love, and now he is marrying whatever Janet is." "I suppose you're right." "It is a bit strange." "I'd like to read a poem." ""Janet, my digital queen." ""Janet, we can dare to dream." "Send nude pics of your heart to me."" ""Jacksonville jaguars rule!"" "Jason, when I was rebooted, and I lost all my knowledge," "I was confused and disoriented, but you were always kind to me." "And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds, that's what love's all about." "Does anybody here object to this marriage?" "Yes, it is a terrible idea." "Of course we do... how could we not object?" "Overruled." "Jason?" "Mm-hmm?" "Do you want me to be your wife?" "Yeah." "I want you to be my husband." "Tight." "So, by the power vested in me, by me, I now pronounce us husband and wife." "We did it!" "Can I kiss you, or will I be electrocuted?" "Only one way to find out." "Whoo, get some!" "Got get it, girl!" "I'm just going with it now." "It's funny..." "I was devastated when I found out that he wasn't my soul mate, but now I think" "I've dodged a bullet." "He's a simple man." "I once watched him eat electrical tape right off the roll." "He thought it was a fruit by the foot that had gone bad." "Thank you for being such a great friend to me today." "'Course, hot stuff." "I got your back." "Eleanor, hey, I just wanted to see if you'd talked to Chidi." "Uh, yeah, I did." "I mean, you don't have to tell me what you said." "I just wanted to see if you're okay." "Oh, man, you are a good person." "I swear, if I had known you and Tahani and Chidi on earth," "I might have for real gotten into the good place." "Oh, hey, it's my three favorite yogurts." "Hey, um, about what happened earlier..." "I've been kind of all over the place today." "An hour ago, I thought Jianyu was my soul mate, and the fact that that kind of made sense means you and I could never be meant for each other." "Plus, Jianyu's married to Janet now." "Okay." "What?" "I do love you, but I think more in a best friend afterlife savior kind of way." "I'm not so much "hot for teacher" as I am" ""eternally grateful for semi-cute, surprisingly ripped teacher."" "Chidi, I also have to apologize." "It's just that when I found out that Jianyu wasn't my soul mate," "I-I desperately needed something to keep me afloat, and, well, you were the nearest lifeboat, as it were." "And yes, we do have the sort of connection that only two highly educated, sophisticates could have, but it's not true love." "True love is what Janet and Jianyu have." "Yeah." "What?" "Oh, we would love to stay and chat, but we need to find Michael." "Eleanor, I think I figured out a way for you to stay." "Really?" "I..." "I'll come too."