"Hello, dears." " Hey, Marie." " Hi." "Oh, Debra, I need my big spoon back." "I'm making cakes." "Oh, sure." "For the bake sale?" "For the bake sale?" "Let's be honest, my cakes are the bake sale." "I'm making cupcakes this year." "I think that's sweet, you're trying to help." "I wouldn't make too many." "Okay, that's it." "I just needed my big spoon." "Thanks." "Back to baking." "Oh, and I'm gonna send your father over." "Okay, goodbye." "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "W-why is he comin' over here?" "Because I have to concentrate and I can't have him there." "Well, I don't want him here." "Yesterday, he was showin' the kids how to burp out a candle." "That's why I want him out." "I'm working with food." "It's a matter of public health." "Oh... please?" "I do a lot of baby-sitting for you." "Yeah, but our kids don't curse as much." "Ally, why don't you go to the park with Grandpa?" "No, thanks." "Raymond... why don't you take him to one of your sports games?" "I'm not taking him to any of my sports games, okay?" "Besides, the only football around is Hofstra and Northeastern." "They're both 0-7..." "It's like watchin' the kids have a tickle fight." "Well, your father already has his outside pants on, so I'm sending him over." "No!" "Come on, Ma..." "Hey, hey." "What's shakin', everybody?" " Hey, Robert." " Who do you like in the big game today?" "What big game?" "Hofstra and Northeastern..." "where ya been?" "Tss... huh?" "What's with that?" "I really haven't been following Hofstra." "What, are you kidding me?" "This is their year." "And Northeastern?" "It's like clash of the titans today." " Yeah?" " You want to go or not?" "Really?" "He doesn't want to go." "No, no, no." "I'll go, I'll go." "I want to go." "All right." "Okay, great." "Go get Dad and go." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Wait." "Me and Dad?" "That's right, dear." "There's gonna be a big tickle fight." "You know, if you want to beat the traffic, you better get goin'." "Well, what?" "You're not comin'?" "I wish, I wish." "I can't catch a break." "I got to work on the frickin' bake sale all day." "Witchy-poo has got me frosting up the cupcakes all day." "Ah, the perils of marriage, huh?" "That's too bad, Raymond." "Well, I'll be thinking about ya." "I'll be thinking about you." "Sucker!" "Witchy-poo?" "Yeah." "That was great." "The face that you made when I said it, it was perfect." "Yeah, just like that." "Okay, you can stop now." ""Go with Dad to the game"..." "Why do you hate me?" "What's on your shirt?" "Nacho cheese." "My introduction, please." "You wanna see what you did?" "Just introduce me!" "Lynn Swann, Jerry Rice, and now Frank Barone." "What..." "you bought a football?" "No bought... caught." "Robert." "Look, I did your intro, Dad." "I'm done." "Hey, you were a witness to glory." "History demands your testimony." "What happened?" "Well, first of all, in spite of the hype, today's game was not a great match-up." "Come on, really?" "But at the end, this kid from Hofstra kicks an unbelievable field goal." "68 yards." "68-yard field goal?" "Yep, the longest ever..." "college or pro." "Come on, Robert, tell it like you're not a Gelding." "Well, we had seats behind the end zone, and Dad got lucky." "Luck is the residue of design." " What?" " Shut up." "You should've seen it." "It was a rocket." "I got my hands ready for it." "By dumping his nachos somewhere." "It came towards me... everyone was trying to get their mitts on it, but I put the moves on all of them." "I jumped over a guy..." "You pushed a kid outta the way." "I jumped over a guy." "It was coming in high..." "I had to stretch for it..." "I could get only one hand on it, but that was enough." "I brought that piggy right down into my chest." "Hello, little piggy." "And then he went, "Whee-whee-whee," all the way home." "It was the biggest moment ever in Hofstra history, and I have it." "You should have heard the crowd chanting for me." ""Give it back, jerk!" "Give it back, jerk!"" "And booing." "Wait, Dad, Dad." "Hofstra's gotta want that ball back." "You bet your ass they do." "I had to put the razzle-dazzle on a couple of mooks" "Just to get out of the stands." "Frank, that's a record for the school." "You know it's not right to keep that, don't you?" "Don't bother, Deb." "His soul was removed to make room for more stomach." "A fan is supposed to do what's best for the team." "That's what's so great about this..." "I'm not a fan." "Those kids stink." "Except for the kicker." "Thanks, pal!" "Charming, no?" "Dad, I'd give the ball back." "Then it's a good thing you didn't catch it." " Come on, Robert." " Where are we going?" "To the lodge to tell the story." "You go in before me and build me up." "I don't like to toot my own horn." "No, no, I'm not comfortable with that." "Oh, yeah?" "How was living in my house for 40 years?" "Was that comfortable?" "All right, all right." "I believe you were comfortable eating my food, watching my TV, wearing the springs out of my furniture with your two-ton rump." "All right!" "Raymond?" "Taste this." "Good." "How good?" "How much would you pay for this whole cake at the bake sale?" "Uh... $10?" "$10?" "All right." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "A thousand dollars." "You're such a sweet boy." "How much would you pay for my cupcakes?" "A million dollars." "Where's the radio?" "Where's the radio?" "!" "What, what?" "What's going on?" "I heard it driving over." "They're talking about Dad." " Who is?" " The sports show!" "Oh, no!" "You wanna know what that guy is?" "I'll tell ya, he's a jackass." "They are talking about him." "Man, you should've seen this guy... bulldozes a kid gettin' the ball, then he hightails out of there with some big goon." "Hey, he was my ride!" "This is embarrassing." "It never ends with your father." "Boy, hot topic." "Lines are lit up." "Let's go to Frank in Lynbrook." "Yeah, this is the jackass." "I caught that ball, and anybody who doesn't like it can kiss me between the back pockets." "Are you kidding me?" "Are you kidding me?" "!" "You're telling us you're the guy?" "Damn straight." "And you're proud of what you did?" "You bet I am!" "You think you deserved the ball?" "You're gonna keep it?" "No, I'll give it back... for ten grand." "What is wrong with him?" "!" "$10,000." "The bidding starts at $10,000, yes." "Unbelievable." "So, Dave on line one, what do you think?" "I think this Frank deserves to be kicked 68 yards." "Finally, a voice of reason." "Frank, you're telling me that Ron Fernandez doesn't deserve the ball?" "Who the hell is Ron Fernandez?" "The player who kicked the field goal." "Well, his money's as good as anyone else's." "Why do you let him use the phone?" "!" "I got an idea..." "all you whiners who think this kid should have the ball can take up a collection and send it to Frank Barone, entrepreneur." "Oh, no." "I can't believe he said that!" "I know, "entrepreneur."" "No, Barone!" "Barone!" "He used our last name!" "This is gonna drive down the price of my cakes." "Wait a minute, Barone?" "Any relation to Ray Barone, the sports writer?" "No!" "No!" "Sure, he's my son." "No-oo!" "Oh, my cake!" "My cake!" "Did you hear what he said?" "!" "How could he say that?" "!" "That explains it." "I hate that guy's column." "He thinks he's so funny." "He blows!" "Hey." "Man, I should be taping this." "All right, we got to take a quick break." "Frank, we got a whole bunch of callers who want to talk to you..." "can you stay with us?" "I'd love to, but I gotta hit the head, and the cord won't reach that far." "And on that lovely note, we'll be right back." "Frank?" "I made you a snack." "Thank you." "Frank, hold the sandwich with two hands like a person." "I'm all right." "So, um..." "Frank, what do say we turn off the TV..." "Chi-chi?" "What are you doing?" "What do you think I'm doing?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you been drinkin'?" "No!" "Hey, what are you doin'?" "!" "I'm takin' this ball back to Hofstra where it belongs." "You floozy!" "You're not goin' anywhere!" "Oh, yes, I am!" "Just give me that ball back and nobody gets hurt." " Now!" "Now!" " Okay!" "This door is locked!" "What did you lock the door for?" "!" "Aah!" " Okay!" " I'm open, Ma!" "Let me go!" "Let me go, you witches!" "Robert, throw it!" "Robert, throw it!" "Sorry!" "Idiot!" "Ah-ha!" "Get out of here, Dad!" "You should lock your doors." "It's a bad neighborhood." "Hey, Deb, I'm really sorry." "I managed to throw the ball very well." "I thought Ray was cuttin' back toward the window." "A closed window?" "I couldn't tell it was closed." "The glass looked very clean." "All right, nobody believes you anymore, Robert." "Oh, hey, listen." "I think I got somethin' here that's gonna take care of Dad." "Are those the papers to have him committed?" "Ha ha, very funny, okay." "This is my column for tomorrow morning." "You know what, let me read it to you." "It'll be good to get a perspective from people who read my column every day." "Ohh... you're kidding me?" "You don't read my column?" "It's just that it's always about sports." "What about you?" "I used to read it a lot when we were dating." "I get "The Times."" "Just listen!" ""My father is the reason I became a sports writer." "Growing up, he took me to every game he could, teaching me to appreciate the thrill of competition, the grace of athletes, and the wonder of a properly topped hot dog." "But sadly, my father has become a symbol of what is wrong with sports today." "My father is Frank Barone, who is now holding a football for ransom, hoping to squeeze out a couple of dollars and a few minutes in the limelight." "I see now that my father and I no longer share the same idea of sports, or, for that matter, life." "And because he'll never apologize, I'll do it." "Sorry, Ron Fernandez." "Sorry, Hofstra University." "Sorry, sports fans everywhere." "You deserve better." "We all do."" " So?" " Wow." "Not bad." "I should read your stuff more often." "It's beautifully written and so honest." "Mm-hmm." "What are you doing?" "!" "Give me that!" "You just said that it was good!" "It's exceptional, but you can't print that." "You don't attack your family in public." "What are you talking about?" "You took a swing at him at the mall last week." "That's different." "He was doing skits in the lingerie store." "All right, Ma, look..." "he has to publish this, all right?" "Dad is a menace, and he's got to be stopped." " See?" " I'm with you all the way, brother." "Ray, your mom has a point." "Oh my God." "I don't think this is gonna get the ball back." "What do you want to do, draw up another play for Fran Tarkenton here?" "This is just gonna make Frank dig his heels in even more." "Think of our family, Raymond." "It'll only destroy our harmony." "Harmony!" "Are you hearing this?" "Are you?" "Because she's right." "What?" "What happened to this?" "I still got it." "It's just over here now." "You know what?" "I don't care what you think." "People have to know that I am not like him." "Oh, really?" "Okay, 'cause I thought this was about getting the ball back, but if you just want to clear your name, then this will do it." "You should definitely publish it then." "Don't try and pull that "tell me to do it so I don't do it" flippity-floo, okay?" "I'm gonna do it." "You think this is gonna stop me?" "All I need is a piece of tape." "No, I can just print it up again." "Yeah, that's what I'll do." "Hey, you know what?" "I'm going to make it even stronger." "There's stuff that I left out." "That's the power of the press, people." "And don't any of you try to stop me, or I'll write somethin' about you." "What kind of stuff you think he'd write?" " Don't worry about it, Robert." " I had a slight bed-wetting problem." "Hey, Dad, you down here?" " Hey." " What do you want?" "Look, I tried a lot of different things to get you to do what's right." "I was even gonna publish an article about you, but some people thought it would screw up our family harmony." "So I'm gonna try somethin' else." " Family harmony?" " Yeah, I don't know." "All right, guys, come on down." "Come on down, it's okay." "What the hell is this?" "This is Ron Fernandez, Dad." "Who?" "The guy who kicked the ball, Dad." "And this is his father." "Oh, jeezaloo, what are you doin'?" " Go ahead." " Uh, well, uh..." "Mr. Barone, that was really impressive the way you, uh... caught that ball." "I think that was a really great catch." "You are a real piece of work." "We can't afford 10,000, Mr. Barone." "I can pay you 500." "Please." "I want it for my son." "Captain Huggles?" "Keep your money." "I don't want your money." "God forbid, I should make a buck." "But let me tell you somethin'..." "I know what this ball is worth, so I better not see you sellin' it." "No, sir." "I'm surprised you don't have them holding a puppy." "Here." "Thank you." "This is for you, Dad." "What?" "No, it's yours." "You should have it." "No... you're the one who got me started, Dad." "I kicked it for you." "Go on." "Okay?" "Thank you, Mr. Barone." "You are a gentleman." " You see that?" " Yeah." "You see how nice that kid was to his father?" "You owe me ten grand!" "If the Knicks are ever going to compete with the Lakers, they need to be bigger up front." "Let's see what you all have to say." "Robert, from Lynbrook." "Uh, yeah." "Hey, Gary." "Long-time listener, first-time caller." "I just want to say I heard that Frank Barone gave that ball back." "I think he showed the true spirit of American harmony." "Well, thank you, Robert." "I happen to agree with you, but we were talking about the Knicks." "Absolutely..." "one more thing..." "I liked when the guy said, "Ray Barone blows."" "Let's hear more from him." "Ray Barone." "Laugh it up, pee-pee pants."