"Hi, I'm American, I'm sorry for everything." "APPLAUSE" "This programme contains some strong language." "APPLAUSE" "Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Charlie Brooker." "In the news this week..." "AAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!" "APPLAUSE" "Also in the news this week, as John Lewis's Christmas advert makes a star of Buster the dog, there's humiliation for one rival as their failed audition tape is leaked online." "Michael Gove's neighbours watch on their CCTV as he narrowly avoids stepping on the hidden trap door to their shark tank." "Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!" "Ohhh!" "Ohh!" "Go on!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "And the Republican Party put in place measures to ensure a scandal-free presidency as Donald Trump spots an attractive woman in the crowd." "LAUGHTER" "On Ian's team tonight is an actress who, in an interview in 2015, said she was considering emigrating to the United States." "I think she's just changed her mind." "Please welcome Maureen Lipman." "APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a comedian who, on a programme this week, promised that if Trump won the election, he would never appear on television again." "So, please welcome shamefaced liar, Rich Hall." " APPLAUSE" " I'll be down here." " It's the safest place to be." " I know." " Well, we start..." " I'm not coming up." "We start with the biggest stories of the week." "Paul and Rich, can you see?" "Take a look at this." "Yeah, let's have a look, I wonder what it's going to be." "Yeah, this is news that Toblerone has changed the shape of its chocolate bar." "What's happened is the traditional pyramid shape of the Toblerone, in order to save costs, they've actually made the Toblerone gaps bigger." "As you can see, a lot of these people are very angry about it." "There we are." "Have you noticed anything else that's happened this week, Paul?" "Tuesday evening?" "Oh, bingo night!" "I can fill you in on that." "Rich knows, he's more of an American than I am." "America's elected its first last president." "It's too depressing, it is." "And I understand this is a comedy show, although I haven't seen any so far." "Well, I..." "We've just had a whole load of footage of Trump!" "What do you mean, it's not a comedy show?" "Did you see his family?" "It's fantastic." "You've got four years of comedy gold coming up." "Cheer up - it may involve nuclear weapons and other countries, but it's going to be funny." "Yeah?" "Did you see how the news was reported in the world's press?" "Yeah, there were some brilliant headlines." "Here is one." "That's the Newcastle Herald." "There's this one, a German newspaper." " MAUREEN:" " That's brilliant." "Finally, my favourite, this pithy Mexican entry." "Do you think this means misogyny and racial hatred are the way forward?" "Not the way that Toblerone have handled it, no." "I think..." "Anything he says can be underscored by the sound of a beer can opening." ""We need to get rid of these Mexicans."" "Cah-chuk!" "He always wants to build a wall." "I was in York last week." "Three Mexican restaurants in the middle of the town." "I'm just saying." "Yeah, that's it." "It sounds like they're very progressive, his voters." "They've actually voted for..." "It's bad news for minorities and women and all the other people, the many, many people he's insulted, but on the plus side, progressively," " they've elected the first openly crazy man..." " Yeah." "..to the most powerful office in the world." " Yeah, because..." " Which is a step forward." " Yeah." "They've broken the rubber-padded ceiling." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "It's great to be back on a cliff edge, you know." " Yeah." " With Hillary, you knew what you were going to get." "You're going to get a woman who..." "I don't know anything about e-mails, either, but she deletes her history, but now we've got a guy who's going to delete all history." "How did Trump echo Martin Luther King in his victory speech?" "Well, Martin Luther King had a dream and this guy is a nightmare." "He's a man who's so used to getting his own way and now he won't be able to, despite the fact everyone says" ""You're the most powerful man in the world", he'll blow up..." "He'll say something about Angela Merkel, or try and knock off the Queen, or do something." "He won't be able to control himself." "It's a long way even before the inauguration." "I thought for a minute you said he was trying to knock UP the Queen." "You get a man who stands in front of his country and says, "I don't..."" " DEEP VOICE:" " "I don't pay my taxes..."" "It's uncanny, it's like he's here." ""I don't pay my tax," and they think that's great, he's smart." "He says, "I don't pay my taxes because the law doesn't make me."" "And they vote him in." "It's difficult to know what he could have said that would have put people off voting for him." "He seems to have said everything." "He could have said, "I'm Hillary Clinton."" "That's it." "You just have to accept there's a lot of dumb people on the planet." "That's why there's ITV." " Are there any silver linings we can think of?" " Yeah." "He's going to have a court case as soon as he gets in because there are three places taking him to court for Trump University, which he created to teach people about real estate." "And he didn't get any proper staff and they just made millions." "He was charging them, like, 35,000 to just turn up and have someone chat to them about the housing market." "Are you suggesting that Donald Trump is a crook?" "No, I'm suggesting that he's a moron, misogynist, sexist, vulgarian...orange head." "APPLAUSE" "Which leads us back to Toblerone's new flavour for Christmas." " I've got a silver lining here." " Have you?" "Go on, then." "One silver lining." "Katie Hopkins said she'll move to the USA, if Trump got elected." "CHEERING" "I'm just going to book her an Uber to get..." "Can you think of any other silver linings?" "I've never watched an election unfold..." "A US election unfold overnight from London..." "Watching the BBC overnight." "And that's the way..." "If you want to watch America go down the dumper, watch it through the befuddled nocturnal fog of a man named Andrew Neil..." "The man is just barely on top of everything and he just sits there..." "And he had other people beside him..." "He looks like he's squeezed in like this and when they are not there, he still looks like he's squeezed in, like his body is trying to eject itself..." "And he comes out and he's trying to explain the electoral college and he doesn't quite..." "Nobody quite gets it cos it's impossible to explain it." ""Somebody's got to get 270!"" "And now you are watching this scoreboard at a bowling alley and then finally give up and they just bring out this guy who just...dances on a map." "He dances on a map and he's trying to show all the states with his feet..." ""Oop, there's Wisconsin and there's Ohio and, oh..." ""Here's a red state turning blue..." "Oh, no."" "I mean, Christ, Trump is becoming president and the guy is playing Twister." "And then finally, you know, there's just the top of" "Andrew Neil's head..." "Spray-on thatch thing..." "He comes back up at 6.30 and says, "Trump's president."" "Great, Trump's president and I'm watching an acorn talk to me." "The longest TV review I've ever heard!" "There's no point in listening to anybody, I decided this after reading newsprint for the last two years - everyone was wrong about absolutely everything." " No-one saw it coming." " Nearly all political punditry, nearly all political analysis turned out to be completely wrong." "So it means you don't have to read this stuff, you just guess." "Everything they said would happen didn't happen." "Everybody said Trump couldn't possibly win, at every point, and it was all rubbish - no-one knew anything." "Is that one good thing?" "That perhaps there will be no more polls" " because they're always wrong." " Hm." "What will they do instead of polls?" "They could just cut to a jazz band..." " I think they should do entrails." " Yeah." "The polls themselves - anybody here ever taken part in a poll?" "SILENCE" "There you go." "People aren't savvy enough to cut a wide berth when they see somebody coming at 'em with a clipboard?" "The Sun did have a point..." "The Sun did..." ""The Sun did have a point"?" "Oh, stop it!" "They had a silver lining." "They printed a silver lining today, they said..." "That's grasping at straws." "This whole thing could be an undercover operation in order for him to become American president, where he can then reveal his true self." " Yeah, it's Johnny Depp." " Yeah." "Who might be selected for Trump's team?" "Ku Klux Klan?" " Sarah Palin?" " Well, Sarah Palin is rumoured to be in the running for Secretary of State..." "You see?" "Love Sarah, love her." "Who else?" "Someone closer to home." "Tony Oblerone." "He's a Mexican, he's being bought in." "Calm the waters." "There's someone who wants a job." " MAUREEN:" " Nigel Farage." "Yeah, he's over there, he's gone already." "So sad to see him go, isn't it(?" ")" "Yeah, he wants to be Trump's ambassador to the EU." " Yep." " He's going to be the ambassador." " Oh, no, go for it!" "Go for it!" " That's what's going to happen." "We've established the whole thing is comedy," " let's just go for it." " Yeah." "Can you tell me what was one of the first casualties of the election result?" " Oh, the..." " Yeah, go on..." "The Canadian visitors' website shut down." "Yeah, Canada's Citizenship and Immigration website crashed because so many Americans were enquiring about moving there." "I fancy somewhere further away than Canada, like Mars." "There's been these adverts on the BBC for somewhere called" "Planet Earth II." "That's where to go." "Trump's potential to put the cat amongst the pigeons was spotted back in the early '90s - who by?" "Oh, was this Michael Moore or The Simpsons?" "No, it's neither of them, it's Saint and Greavsie." " Saint and Greavsie?" " Here is an interesting clip." "The draw for the fifth round of the Rumbelows League Cup." "Assisting me with the draw are Jimmy Greaves, who will draw the home team and Donald Trump, who will draw the away team." " Number five." " Leeds United." "Against number six." "Will play Manchester United." "Oh, Donald!" "You don't realise what you've done, there!" "This is the shock news from America that after all these years of trying to impose it on the rest of the world, democracy may, in fact, be shit." "The Obamas are already making plans for handing over the White House to Donald Trump - they've hidden the nuclear codes and broken the hairdryer." "Yet again, the opinion pollsters utterly failed to see the shock result coming - first Brexit, now this." "Frankly, I'm off to put a tenner on Honey G to win the X Factor and Ched Evans to be voted Sports Personality of the Year." "Ian and Maureen, take a look at this..." "Taj Mahal." "That's not a judge!" "That's the front cover of what I can only describe as the Mail." "That's Nigel Farage having his..." "Cake and eating it." " The thing about Brexit was it was referred to the courts." " Yeah." "The judgment, they said it's got to be referred to Parliament." "It's got to have an Act of Parliament." "And then a lot of the press went sort of slightly bonkers." "And the Mail ran this enormous headline," ""Enemies of the People", about the judges." "which isn't - it's not got good precedence, cos it was originally Robespierre, just before the Terror." "Then it was borrowed by Lenin." "Then, let's be honest, it was Hitler..." "Erm..." "Then it was Pol Pot." "And then it was the Daily Mail, so it's got a sort of..." "APPLAUSE" "The Express got quite emotional about it, they said..." "Well, a lot of Tories said, "Can you stop being hysterical?" ""Can we calm down?"" "And The Spectator, which isn't exactly known as a hotbed of radical lefties, said this is a perfectly reasonable judgment." "And one Tory MP actually resigned." "He said, "Obviously, it's got to go back to Parliament."" "The Ukippers weren't great either." "Suzanne Evans - she said, "What's very important is to have" ""an independent judiciary which should be subject to control."" "Farage said there would be riots in the streets." "You've drawn a picture of Nigel Farage, haven't you?" "I have drawn a picture of Nigel..." " Is this a separate career we didn't know existed?" " No." "Shall we have a quick look at it?" " Is this in a book that you've got coming out?" " It is, Ian, yes." " Thank you." " Good grief, I was paid so much for that." "Anyway, back to reality." "What did Lord Chancellor Liz Truss do wrong?" "She didn't speak, she didn't say anything." "She didn't stand up for the judges." "She did give a very weak and late defence of the judges." "Not nearly as passionate as when she's talking about something she truly loves." "We import two-thirds of our cheese." "That is a disgrace." "Naturally, many people were looking to the opposition to condemn the press coverage of the judges." "What did Jeremy Corbyn do?" "He made jam." "Actually, he immediately sprang into action." "He took to Twitter." "Corbyn was approached by the Daily Mirror about the possibility of an early election, how did he respond?" "He said, "Stop harassing me."" " Oh, that's right, yeah." " Would you like to see?" " I'd love to see." "I've watched it quite a lot." "It's never good when you're asked, "Do you want to fight an election?"" "And you run away out the door." "Which suggests you're not exactly gung-ho for the democratic challenge." "Did you notice what he did at the end there?" "As a leader, he shouldn't be trying to hide." "And as a hider, he shouldn't be hiding behind glass." "What did we learn about how Corbyn is perceived across the pond this week?" "Somebody said he's mad." "Was it Clinton?" "Bill Clinton said, "That one's completely mad."" "WikiLeaks revealed some more Clinton e-mails which revealed" "Bill was slightly baffled by Corbyn being made leader last year, saying Labour had made the unlikely decision to choose..." "That's not counting Diane Abbott, of course." " SHE IMPERSONATES DIANE ABBOTT:" " No, no, I mean it." "Listen." " This is somebody who hasn't even..." " SHE INHALES" "..got control of her own breath." "Do you do Theresa May, as well?" "I'm thinking of political balance here." "I was at a charity for ovarian cancer the other week" " and I was walking towards..." " Keep it light." " I'll have to get up." "I was walking towards the microphone." "And I suddenly found myself transmogrifying into Theresa May." "I just suddenly hollowed out my body and started walking forward." " And then the voice..." " SHE IMPERSONATES THERESA MAY:" "..is slightly between two registers, isn't it?" "Slightly like that." "And I noticed there were breadsticks on all the tables so I did point out that breadsticks means breadsticks." " So no, I can't do it." " No!" "Anyway, this is the ongoing fight between Brexiteers and Wrexiteers," "Remoaners, Remainers, Bremoaners, Bremainers." "Let's call the whole thing off." "Subject to a judicial review." "According to the Daily Star, Brexit has been good news for some people's salaries thanks to the slump in the pound against the euro..." "Hang on, has this whole thing just been one massive episode of Hustle?" "There are fears Brexit may be held up by the House of Lords." "This week Andrew Lloyd Webber expressed his irritation at being expected to participate in the House of Lords, saying..." "All right, Andrew, don't make a song and dance about it." "No, please, DON'T make a song and dance about it." "And so to round two, the Strengthometer of News." "Fingers on buzzers." "Here is the first one." "BUZZER SOUNDS" "LAUGHTER" "Donald Trump has been elected" "President of the Unites States of America." "It's the news that Toblerone have betrayed the will of the British people by changing the dimensions of a chocolate bar." "Do you know how the bar was changed?" "The pyramids have got more of a gap between them now." "This is a photograph of Toblerone before... and this is after." "A monstrosity." "People have suggested a use for the new-look Toblerone." "I can think of one." "Do you want to know what it is?" "Can you think of a use for it?" "You can park five bicycles." " That's not a bad suggestion." " You can measure your feet with it." "Foot-measuring device." "Anything, you can measure your feet with." "Put your kid's foot down on one and then you cut out the triangles that his foot goes in." "And where his heel meets that..." " Measure his foot." " That will work." " Is this Dragons' Den?" "Cos I'm out." "Former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott got involved in the Toblerone row." "It's a very important issue." "He tweeted..." "To which one wag replied..." "People have suggested you can hold your toast in it." "In other snack-related news, what controversy did a fan of cookies get into this week?" "The Cookie Monster, I believe made an appearance on The One Show" " and wore a poppy." " Take a look." "The Cookie Monster is with us." "Welcome to The One Show." "Hi." "Thank you." "HE IMPERSONATES COOKIE MONSTER:" "Lest we forget." "Don't forget that nom-nom-nom-Normandy." "Was it a controversy, then?" "I don't know if you've noticed it, but he's a puppet." "Yeah, but by the standards of The One Show that's not necessarily a problem." "I've hosted it." "I know what I'm talking about." "This is the news that Toblerones have got smaller." "One outraged chocolate lover tweeted..." "Good luck finding another last-minute present at Heathrow." "I hope your kids like travel adaptors." "Meanwhile, on The One Show, Chris Tarrant was joined on the sofa by the Cookie Monster, who was controversially wearing a poppy." "The BBC admitted they may have made a misjudgement in putting a poppy on the Cookie Monster and hastily cancelled their plans for Big Bird to lay a wreath at the Cenotaph." "Fingers on buzzers again, please." "Here comes the next one." "BUZZER SOUNDS" "That's poor Prince Harry." "The press have moved in on the new girlfriend, and it's a shame because it's the beginning of a relationship." "Just leave him alone." "It wasn't just the press, though, was it?" "He was having a go at everyone on Twitter and Facebook." "But it's horrible, all this trolleying business." " We are living in a..." " Trolleying?" "Is that what it's called, now?" "People coming round your house and throwing a supermarket trolley?" ""Don't like your opinions..."" " Yeah." " But he was very upset about people being rude about her below the line, as it were." " And the tinge of racism he detected there." " Yes." "Rachel Johnson, writing in the Mail, I believe, described Meghan's mum as..." " MAUREEN:" " Thank you, Rachel." " The same paper said..." "AUDIENCE GROANS" "..as they revealed..." "I don't know what gang-scarring is." "I think it's like pebbledashing." "I did read something in the Express that it would really help if Harry just came and posed for some photographs and then it would all go away." "What sort of photographs?" "Probably naked." "He's done that before." "Yeah, and I think she's done a bit of it, too." " She..." "To be fair to her, she's an actress." " Yeah." "And she was in a show called Suits and there was a scene in that was, I think, vaguely steamy..." " Birthday Suits?" " Birthday..." "Just Suits." "She was..." "She was clothed, but it ended up on PornHub." " Oh." " Are you familiar with PornHub?" "Incredibly familiar." "Was she wearing a poppy?" "By the end of it she was." "Probably why they're upset, to be fair." "What is the press's counterargument?" "He's the prince, he's the second son, it's his job to provide entertainment." "The first son is there to be boring and William is doing that terrifically." "And he goes to Canada and says "Good evening" to a moose and, you know...other animals, and that goes very well, and the second son, you know - "We want a bit of action!"" "A bit of raunch, a bit of American actress." " So that's his job." " To be...?" "Interesting." "Naked." "Like Princess Margaret - pissed." "This is Prince Harry's formal complaint about the treatment of his girlfriend Meghan Markle." "According to the Times, Meghan has been subjected to..." "Well, if he will take her round to see his grandad..." "APPLAUSE" "Time for the Missing Words round which, this week, features as its guest publication..." "That a magazine that doesn't GLOSS over the issues and isn't afraid to stir up EMULSIONS." "LAUGHTER AND GROANING" "We start with..." "Is it "refuses to take responsibility for the referendum"?" "Dave the record-breaking worm..." "Yes." "Upon finding Dave, the UK's longest ever earthworm - there he is" " Paul Rees sent him to the Natural History Museum where he was immediately killed in the name of science." "Why did he send him to a museum, though?" "I mean, why not send it to a zoo, if he wanted it to live?" "It's a pretty poor zoo that would exhibit a worm." ""I've seen the worms of Whipsnade."" "Don't get out of the car!" "Don't get out of the car, they can turn." "Next..." " MAUREEN:" " Painted blue." "This is the old joke - fight breaks out when a husband comes home and finds his wife in bed with three policeman." "And the husband says, "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello?"" "And the wife says, "What's the matter?" ""Aren't you talking to me then?"" " That's a joke." " APPLAUSE" "Finds his wife in bed with Dave, the record-breaking worm." "Animals are involved." "Husband comes home and find his wife in bed with an ocelot." "So tempted to give you that." "That's what he said to the ocelot." "It's fight breaks out when husband comes home..." " With ANOTHER penguin?" "!" " With another penguin." "That was the twist!" "Yes, this is a National Geographic video clip involving a penguin love triangle which ended in violence between the males." "Next..." " RICH:" " Heads for Mexican border." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Bus disguised as brick wall seeks similar." "It's bus disguised as brick wall..." "This is..." "Apparently." "It's from Paint and Resin Times." "Here is the bus." "Oh, wow." "Finally..." "Taking your children to be DNA tested." "That would be a pretty sad hobby, wouldn't it?" ""They're not yours."" " RICH:" " Consolidating your freckles with a marker pen." "The answer is" ""photographing pub carpets"." "Britain's saddest hobby." " Here's one." " That's all right." "That's all right." "It's better than you thought, isn't it?" "Here's another one." " Art Deco, very Art Deco." " Racy." "And finally, look at this." "See?" "It's actually quite good." "Of course, what an mere photograph can't really convey is the squelch." "Anyway, the final scores are" "Paul and Rich with five, and Ian and Maureen with three." "APPLAUSE" "On which note, we say thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Maureen Lipman, Paul Merton and Rich Hall, and I leave you with news that TV audiences around the world are coming to terms with a Donald Trump presidency leading to a destabilised, chaotic and divided America." "A resort just outside Moscow hosts a bonding awayday for Vladimir Putin's Cabinet." "And in Dover, two Ukip supporters spot a member of the judiciary out for a stroll." "Goodnight."