"(THEME SONG PLAYING)" "An interesting thing happened when I was grading this assignment, Mr. Hunter." "Yours wasn't there." "Oh!" "I can explain that." "I was speaking to Mr. Hunter." "Well, see, Shawn and I, we think so much alike that we decided to write one paper." "Really?" "Yeah." "Then you won't mind sharing your grade." "No." "All right." "So what do we get?" "Well, this was a well thought out paper." "It deserves a B." "Very fair." "Divided by two, makes a D for you and a D for you." "Hey!" "Still fair." "Still good." "But, Mr. Feeny, come on." "It's the middle of our senior year." "Okay, why are you being so tough on us with these assignments?" "You know, you're right." "Let's forget about those D's." "Make it two F's." "No!" "Don't fail them." "Ah!" "The third musketeer chimes in." "An F follows you around for the rest of your life." "Okay." "We'll take your D's." "Our college applications are already in." "Yeah, well, yours are." "What, you haven't sent your college applications in?" "Shawn, I filled them out for you." "Cory, don't start, okay?" "What's the point?" "People like me don't go to college." "Do your assignments, Mr. Hunter, and you'll go to college." "And if I get in, how am I supposed to afford it, huh?" "There's just so many things standing in the way." "Besides, I mean, why are we doing all these assignments?" "They're just busywork." "What's left to learn?" "Uh..." "Mr. Feeny, he just means that we've been here four years, and there's nothing really left that you can teach us." "Whoa!" "Look at Feeny, man." "Feeny, you okay?" "(WHISPERS) Shawn!" "This is that moment that we talked about." "Yeah, he's definitely gonna blow." "Stand up." "Okay." "This is bad." "The rest of the class, please leave." "Bad, bad." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Mr. Feeny, why don't you just give them a makeup assignment?" "Don't fail them." "You'd better stay, too, you little control freak." "(GASPS)" "So, just because you sent in your college applications, nothing that I teach you from now on means anything?" "I was just having this discussion with them the other day." "Quiet!" "You yelled at me." "But I'm Topanga." "Shawn, I want this assignment brought to my house by 5:00 this afternoon." "This afternoon today?" "That's impossible." "CORY:" "Oh, no." "He's keyed into something you said." "This afternoon today?" "Why doesn't he just ask me to come up with tickets to the Super Bowl?" "Mr. Hunter, here's your new assignment, to come up with two tickets to the Super Bowl by the end of the week." "Oh, come on, Mr. Feeny..." "Quiet!" "You yelled at me." "But I'm Topanga." "Mr. Feeny, what are you so upset about?" "Miss Lawrence, I have an assignment for you as well." "Butt out of other people's lives for one week." "Otherwise, you get an F." "But I've never failed before." "There's a first time for everything." "That argument doesn't get you anywhere with her." "And as for you, Mr. Matthews, since you feel so responsible for your friends' fate," "I put their fate in your hands." "Their success is your success." "But if either of them fails, so do you." "Thanks a lot, Topanga." "Hey." "Didn't hear you come in last night." "Must have had a pretty good time on your date, huh?" "The evening began at 7:00." "It started with some intimate pre-dinner conversation at a quaint little Mexican place I happen to know." "Came back here and..." "Let's just say my clothes were off within five minutes." "You opened your big mouth." "She walked out." "You ate alone at Taco Bell, came home, took off all your clothes, and were asleep by 8:00." "How'd you do?" "Not as good." "Jack, what are we gonna do?" "I don't know." "It's not us." "No, it is not us." "You know who it is?" "Them." "All of them." "We need to make a change." "Yeah." "It's time to be more choosy, my friend, find women who are more compatible." "You know something?" "You're right." "No more randomly just picking out women, hoping that they like us." "I say we embark upon a mission to find our perfect companions, our soul mates." "What about them?" "Hey, you two!" "No, not..." "Yeah, okay, you!" "MAN ON RADIO:" "Today's forecast is chilly in Philly as the record-breaking cold snap continues." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "Okay." "What do you got?" "I got four can't-miss ways on how to get Super Bowl tickets." "Okay." "Give me the best one." "I go back in time to the first Super Bowl when tickets weren't that hard to get." "Good." "Good." "Very good." "I don't need to hear the other three." "If you're gonna go back in time, you could do the original assignment, and we wouldn't be in this mess." "♪ Tra-la-la-la-la" "Topanga, butting in in musical form is still butting in." "Oh!" "Oh!" "Ask Topanga." "That was my next idea." "We get advice from Topanga." "If I give advice, I get an F." "You can afford one stinking F in your life." "No!" "I can't!" "I've worked very hard to be perfect up till now." "I am throwing up." "I am throwing up all over you." "MAN ON RADIO:" "Okay!" "Are you ready to win some Super Bowl tickets?" "Okay." "If I was a pair of Super Bowl tickets, how would I find me?" "It's an interesting question, Shawn." "Another interesting question, why would Feeny make such an impossible assignment?" "MAN ON RADIO:" "We've got the last pair of Super Bowl tickets available in the known universe!" "And we're down to 10 more chances to win them, so call me now." "Topanga!" "Will you turn down the radio?" "We're trying to think here." "No jazzercise in the kitchen." "MAN ON RADIO:" "And we're down to our five final callers." "555-wkzn." "That's 555-wkzn." "I think she's trying to tell us something." "Well, you know her better than I do." "Okay, okay." "Bowl." "Can." "There's trouble in the Balkans?" "Is that what the radio said, girl?" "(SPITS)" "Soup." "Bowl." "Soup or bowl." "All right, soup." "(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)" "MAN ON RADIO:" "555-wkzn, 102.5, and we're down to our last caller for a chance to go to the Super Bowl!" "Hey!" "They're giving away tickets to the Super Bowl." "And we almost missed it!" "Thanks a lot, Topanga!" "Hello?" "Yeah?" "I'm caller 20!" "Yes!" "What?" "I gotta do what?" "MAN ON RADIO:" "If you're wondering why everybody's looking up at the sky, it's because there are people on that billboard!" "Hey, hey, this is Johnny Latte from the 102.5 wkzn morning zoo!" "And we're coming at you live from our billboard in downtown Philadelphia, where it's a crisp and clean, no-caffeine 16 degrees out here." "Let's check out our remaining four..." "Our remaining three freezing contestants." "I'm here with a small but very loyal crowd of well-wishers." "Jump!" "And the obligatory lunatic." "We'll be back with hour 32 of our Super Bowl madness right after this word from The Bahamas." "♪ We are warm and you are cold" "♪ We are warm and you are cold" "♪ We don't need... ♪ We are warm and you are cold We... ♪" "Hey, hey!" "How are you?" "I brought you some hot chocolate." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Thank you so much, Cory." "Wait a minute." "I can't do this." "This isn't right." "(LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY)" "That's it." "I don't even like football." "I like billboards, and you've ruined this for me." "Well, okay!" "One more guy down." "Shawn, there's only one more guy, and we're at the Super Bowl." "I can't win this, Cory." "No, no!" "Of course you can win." "You've made it down to one more guy, and I'm here to help you." "What can I do for you?" "Cory, look at the other guy." "The other guy's an Eskimo." "And he's eating an ice-cream cone." "He's from the Inuit tribe." "He comes to Philadelphia with his family every January for summer vacation." "♪ I am warm and you are cold" "Hey!" "I really thought I had a chance to go to the Super Bowl, but I guess I never really did, huh?" "There's always gonna be an Eskimo standing in my way, isn't there, Cory?" "Come on." "I'll help you down." "This whole thing was impossible." "Feeny knew that." "All right, Mr. Feeny, we got this one figured out." "You got the Super Bowl tickets?" "This was never about Super Bowl tickets." "It wasn't?" "You don't think we know you, Mr. Feeny?" "You don't think we know that when you're teaching us something, we should look for the lesson behind the lesson?" "Well, we looked, and we figured this one out all by ourselves." "And I didn't even help them, Mr. Feeny." "Even though we think something's impossible, we still should have tried because that's all you wanted." "You wanted us to try." "And even though it's not important to do work during our senior year, we should still make you think we're trying." "You see?" "You see how I haven't given them any advice on what to say?" "I don't fail." "I don't." "Now, aren't you proud of us, Mr. Feeny, huh?" "Where are the Super Bowl tickets?" "(ALL LAUGHING)" ""Where are the tickets?" Good one." "You know we don't have any tickets!" "Mr. Feeny, that..." "No, Miss Lawrence." "All you had to do was stay out of it." "And you had to help them succeed." "That was the assignment." "Now, where are the tickets?" "Mr. Feeny, I really tried." "We know that's what you wanted." "You have no idea what I want." "Get the tickets or fail." "Mr. Feeny..." "Stay out of it or fail." "Mr. Feeny, come on." "How are we..." "Help them both or fail." "(DOOR CLOSING)" "Thanks a lot, Topanga." "What are you doing?" "They'll be here any minute." "I have a psych test on Monday." "You see, this is why you'll never end up with any woman worth having." "We finally met two girls that are different than any other girls we've ever dated before." "Why?" "Because they're coming back!" "You know why they're coming back?" "Because they see in us what we see in them, compatibility." "We're perfect for each other." "You're putting your studies before your soul mate." "I'm studying so I can give my soul mate a nice life someday." "Do like me." "Be a secret agent." "I mean, once you're in the CIA, they take care of you for life." "Or they kill you." "(DOORBELL RINGING)" "Soul mates." "Oh, please!" "What are the chances we just happened to find two girls who are anything like us?" "What are the chances that we didn't?" "Hi, Eric." "Hey, Jack." "Boy, do we have an evening planned for you." "Yeah, a wonderful little French restaurant with only four tables." "Seven courses, and we can linger for hours." "Hope you brought your fat pants, ladies." "(LAUGHING)" "I love French food, but I can't stay too late because I have an exam on Monday." "Hey!" "Give me a couple of tacos, and I'm a happy girl." "But I got these reservations." "Taco!" "I love tacos." "But he has reservations." "BOTH:" "We can't just not show up, man!" "BOTH:" "Taco!" "Well, you ready?" "Okay, great." "Yeah." "Let's go." "So, Jill, tell me about yourself." "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" "One sister." "We were separated when my parents divorced, but I reconnected with her when I came to Pennbrook." "Pretty weird, huh?" "Unbelievable." "So, Carol, what are you studying?" "You don't need to study for what I'm gonna do." "Once you're in the CIA, they take care of you for life." "Or they..." "Kill you." "I want Carol." "Jill's perfect for me." "Jack and Jill, why didn't we see it before?" "Eric and Carol?" "(BOTH EXCLAIM)" "I told you he'd be here." "No, you didn't!" "You were waving a dollar and yawning at me." "Bill-bored!" "How much simpler could it be?" "Well, you could have just said it." "That would be butting in." "So far, I'm the only one not getting an F..." "Foot on my head!" "Foot on my head!" "Hey, Lucy!" "Ricky!" "I'm up here trying to think." "What are you thinking about?" "Whenever I've wanted anything in my life, there's always been an Eskimo standing in my way." "One word." "Sounds like..." "Metaphor!" "Oh!" "You remember when you went to summer camp and I couldn't afford to?" "That was an Eskimo." "Uh-huh." "All the other kids grew up in real houses with real backyards." "I grew up in a trailer park." "Eskimo." "There's just so many things standing in my way." "Well, I'm going to the Super Bowl." "Shawn, you don't have any tickets." "I don't care!" "You have no way of getting there." "It doesn't matter!" "Cory, people like me, we don't go anywhere because we don't believe that we can get there!" "I'm my own worst Eskimo!" "Shawn, listen to me." "I'm trying to help you here." "You don't have to go anywhere." "Yes, I do!" "I do have to go somewhere because if I don't, I'll never go anywhere." "Now be my best friend and get out of my way." "You're sitting very close to me." "And why are you sitting next to me, anyway?" "I think you're confused." "You think I'm confused?" "Your name is Carol." "You want to work in espionage." "You love tacos." "You have no idea what color amber is." "Now who's confused?" "I am." "And you're sitting even closer to me now." "Your studies are important to you, you appreciate French cuisine, and you want to read The Sunday Times book review section in an unfurnished apartment while you lie on the hardwood floor with your lover massaging your bare feet." "Yeah." "So?" "All right." "Now you're sitting way too close." "You're hitting on me." "Am I?" "Yes!" "What is going on here?" "Listen to me." "Carol, don't you see?" "We were meant for each other." "I mean, the reason I want someone like you is because you're someone like me." "Hey." "I'm here to see Jack." "I thought you two were friends." "Best friends." "We support each other entirely." "Eric's a moron!" "I lay his clothes out in the morning!" "You and I belong together." "We're like peanut butter and jelly." "We're like jelly and jelly." "Jack." "I am not comfortable here." "Eric, I'd like to leave." "I'm with Carol." "How rude." "At least let me walk you home." "That way we can talk, and you can see how right we are for each other." "What is going on here?" "We were just switching you around!" "What's the big deal?" "(BOTH GROAN)" "Wait, wait!" "We just wanted to establish serious meaningful relationships." "With a couple of hotties who have the same interests we do!" "Don't you want that, too?" "Now, I know you do!" "You, I don't know what you want." "Well, we just went out with you 'cause you were cute." "Besides, why would we want to be with someone exactly like ourselves?" "Nobody makes a sandwich out of jelly and jelly!" "That would be tedious and redundant." "We have the same vocabulary." "We could look those words up together." "I don't want to look those words up with you." "I want somebody who can tell me what they mean." "I spend all day with me." "You seemed like fun, and now we'll never know." "We learned an important lesson here today, Jack." "Yeah, looks like finding soul mates isn't going to be as easy as we thought." "Maybe we can't just find them." "Maybe the girls taught us we were too aggressive, and we just have to sit back and let the universe bring our soul mates to us." "(SCOFFS)" "You're a wise man, Jack Hunter." "I guess they're actually not coming after us." "Those idiots." "Mr. Feeny, I failed you." "As we speak, our young Shawn is foolishly rolling westward towards San Diego and certain disappointment." "Did he get the tickets?" "No." "He said the tickets didn't matter." "He said nothing mattered and that he'd find a way in." "That's what he said, huh?" "Yeah." "I mean, I was standing in front of him, and he asked me to move out of the way so he could go." "And did you move out of the way, Mr. Matthews?" "Well, yeah." "I mean, I really felt like I should." "I know the assignment was to help him succeed, but, Mr. Feeny, it was like he didn't need my help on this one, you know?" "He was gonna do this one on his own, no matter what." "Guess I failed, huh?" "On the contrary, Mr. Matthews, you passed with flying colors and so does Mr. Hunter." "Of course we did." "Mmm-hmm." "And clearly you've wasted all your time, as I continue to comprehend nothing." "Cory, Shawn isn't going to go to college and succeed because you want him to." "He has to want to and believe that he can." "And the only way he can do that is on his own without your help." "Then why did you want me to help him?" "You need to know you won't always be able to." "Yeah, like pretty soon we're all gonna have to do things on our own without someone's help." "Right, Mr. Feeny?" "I think I understand why you've been so upset." "And I think I know why you're gonna keep giving us assignments every day until our last day with you." "Miss Lawrence, you're butting in." "Yeah, I am, so fail me." "That's life." "You won't be perfect anymore." "No one should be perfect." "Besides, you learn from failure." "And I need to know that, right?" "You just yelled at me." "But I'm Mr. Feeny." "One day you're going to have to let us go." "One day you won't be able to teach us anymore, and you can't be sure if we're going to be all right." "Life is a lot tougher than school, my dears." "But the right thing to do is just step aside and let us live it." "I mean, we learned that because you taught it to us." "Oh!" "What a game!" "This is the best Super Bowl since Super Bowl XX!" "Yes!" "This makes them so happy." "What else is on?" "Well, Fox is counterprogramming with America's Worst Family Atrocities." "You change that channel, and you're gonna be on that program." "Yeah!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Yeah!" "(BOTH EXCLAIMING)" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Look at that!" "Look at what, George?" "That play's over." "I'm looking at the crowd!" "Look at the boy holding up the sign!" "Which one?" "The one that says, "Hey, Feeny." "Nothing's impossible.""