"First of all, i want to thank everybody for coming." "Giving up your lunch hours and all that." "And, lord knows, very exciting for all of us." "Happy to be here." "Oh, me, too." "Absolutely." "And let's just get our hands right into it." "Who wants to start us off?" "I'll be happy to start." "You know what?" "Gwen, why don't you start us off?" "Ok." "Sure... you don't need the pointer here, do you?" "No." "I don't need the pointer." "Thanks." "I'll just hold on to it, then." "Oh, she's fine." "Gwen?" "There is a concern that i have that i think needs addressing is that we can't have the port-a-potties too far off the main route, because we do have a lot of seniors." "Uh, we've solved that." "We're gonna take the port-a-potties and put 'em right over here." "They're not gonna be in the way." "We're gonna put a receptacle over near arts and crafts." "This is the big bins you're talking about?" "We've got barrels, too." "And we're gonna put the barrels on every corner." "Wait a minute." "That's... that's the crate?" "That's the big barrel, 'cause you got the pie-eating going on right over here." "It's more of a dumpster than a barrel." "That's another thing." "If anything happens like last year with that pie-eating... which brings me to a point... security." "Oh, god." "Security." "I say we put a rifle on here, a man with a rifle here, and a rifle here." "Protect the whole square." "Is that really necessary?" "Yes." "Remember how much we got egged last year?" "Absolutely." "What can i tell you?" "We're pleased as punch." "We... we are so proud." "We know that whatever we do here is a first for blaine and a first for missouri, that whatever we do is going to be the standard against which all other sesquicentennials... that's the 150..." "will be judged." "The people of blaine are can-do people." "In fact, you know, there's an old saying in missouri if you don't like the weather, just wait 5 minutes." "In blaine, i honestly believe with hard work, we can get that down to 3 or 4 minutes." "Here in our sesquicentennial year, we've got a lot to talk about." "There's a lot to be proud of." "And we're very proud of it, and i think it's about time that the world knows more about blaine." "We're chomping at the bit, certainly from this end, to get it out there." "It all started with blaine fabing." "He was hired by 30 settlers to lead a wagon-train expedition from philadelphia to california." "Uh, on the 14th night, word has it they were sitting around the campfire, and blaine said, "do you smell it?" "Do you smell the salt in the air?"" "He said, "we're here." "I brought you to california."" "And so there was a big party that night." "And the next morning, they got up." "Uh... they didn't see the ocean because they were in missouri." "Uh, blaine was able to convince them for a little while that it was just low tide and things, but what had happened was that he had made some mistakes." "Bad weather." "Wasrt familiar, perhaps, with the proper route." "But as it turns out, everybody was quite happy to be where they were." "So they said, "it's ok we didn't make it to california." "We'll stay here."" "And that's why i'm at this desk." "Well, i'm very proud to say that i'm a direct descendant of blaine fabing." "I've lived here all my life." "As did my parents and their parents and their parents and their parents and so on and so forth." "I'm very excited about the show coming up, because it'll be the first time i'll have the experience of sitting in the audience and seeing actors portray my ancestor... the... the actual blaine fabing." "Being a fabing is not always easy." "Um, i can certainly understand how the kennedys feel." "I had been living in new york and working there as an actor and director and choreographer for 25 years or so, and i really felt i needed a change." "I imagined, in my fantasy, i suppose, that when i came here, i would have a completely different life." "Uh, perhaps, um... a construction worker or one of those guys that works on those high-wire things that, uh... with the hard hat." "You know, that sweeping sort of hat." "And, uh, with the chaps." "But that didn't really work out." "I began to realize, i guess, that the theater was still in my blood, and what i had to do was make use of that, so i offered my services to the high school here, and they accepted," "and i began to teach drama." "And within about 6 months, i had formed the blaine community players." "I got to tell you, we are very, very excited about the big show that's happening at the end of the festival." "Everyone right now is just going crazy getting ready to audition." "And unfortunately i won't be able to audition." "We have to stock that day and can't get out of it." "And corky will not let me audition any other time." "So, "that's show business," is what he told me, and, uh, you know, he's the master." "You gotta give him credit for that." "President mckinley did a whistle-stop tour back in 1898." "And a little boy, jimmy mcbean, made a stool for him." "And he loved it so much that he called back, and said, "lookit, i would like to give more of these to dignitaries who are visiting."" "And before you knew it, blaine is manufacturing all these footstools." "And that's how the big... that's how we got the stool boom." "Blaine became the stool capital of the world." "My first show wasbarefoot in the park, which was an absolute smash, but my production on the stage ofbackdraft was what really got them excited." "This whole idea of in-your-face theater really affected them." "The conceptualization, the whole abstraction, the obtuseness of this production to me was what was interesting." "I wanted the audience to feel the heat from the fire, the fear... because people don't like fire poked, poked in their noses." "You know, when you get a cinder from barbecue right on the end of your nose and you kind of make that little face." "That's not a good thing." "I wanted to have the sense memory of that." "So during the show, i had someone burn newspapers and... and send it through the vents in the theater." "Well, they freaked out." "Of course, the fire marshal came over, and they shut us down for a couple of days." "Mr. Bluestein, montezuma's revenge is nothing more than good old-fashioned american diarrhea." "Adult diapers should never even enter the picture." "So you lose a few pounds." "My mom used to say that blaine is a little town with a big heart in the heart of a big country." "And, to me, blaine is a kind of town where i can have my own business, meet and marry a wonderful woman like sheila, and... and be something, be somebody." "Some people find it ironical that even though we run a travel agency, we've never been outside of blaine." "With one exception." "Well, we've never been out... you left blaine." "Well, i went to jefferson city once." "It was a... tell them why." "It was a medical reason." "You can tell 'em." "Just minor surgery." "I've been working here at the d.q." "For about, um... 8 months, 7." "I don't know." "Something like that." "It's fun." "You just do the cones." "Make sundaes, make blizzards, and... put stuff on 'em and... see a lot of people come in." "A lot of people come to the d.q." "Burgers." "Ice cream." "Anything, you know?" "Cokes." "Just drive in and get a coke, if you're thirsty." "Everybody thinks that roswell was the first sighting of a ufo in the united states, and that's bull roar." "We had the first sighting here in 1946." "And it wasrt just a sighting." "They didn't just fly by." "They stopped." "They landed." "The people in blaine went onboard the ship for a potluck dinner." "I've been coming out to this landing site every day for 2 years to measure it." "And here's the thing... the circumference and the diameter change by a few inches, yet the radius remains the same." "Which brings me back to the number 5." "There are 5 letters in the name "blaine."" "Mix the word "blaine" up, mix it around, eventually, you'll get "nebali."" "Neball..." "the name of the planet in a galaxy way, way... way... far away." "I'll tell you another thing." "Once you step inside this circle," "The weather never changes." "It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain." "Always." "L... i love to make people laugh, and i've been doing it since... you know, school." "People ask me, "were you a..."" "you know, "you must have been the class clown."" "And i say, uh, "no, i wasrt."" "But i sat beside the class clown, and I... i studied him, and, uh, and saw how he made people laugh." "And so i picked some things up, and, uh, you know, and at parties and family functions, i have to say, i love, you know, breaking people up." "So, there's a thing that i think i got... a... a... an entertaining bug from my grandfather, uh, chaim progot who was very, very big in the yiddish theater back in new york." "He was in the... the very..." "the sardonically irreverent" "I said more ham." "And that revue, i believe, was 1914, and that revue is what made him famous." "Incidentally, the song bubbee made a kishke came from that revue." "My... my father, bless him, brought me into... into the business." "This was his dental practice, uh, before, and i joke with my wife that, uh, you know, at that point, that's when the, uh, the money started rolling in." "You know." "Brave making m-more wampum to buy pelts." "One happy squaw in wigwam." "Happy as mongoose." "That, uh... is, of course, from johnny carson who, uh... one of my heroes in a very funny bit." "When i see lips waiting to be kissed" "I can't stop" "I can't stop" "For that lightning, oh, it's striking" "Again" "Yeah" "Lightning's striking" "Again and again and again and" "I'm going to do a scene from the movieraging bull." "You fucked my wife?" "What?" "You fucked my wife?" "How can you ask me a question like that?" "How can you ask me?" "I'm your brother and you ask me that?" "Where do you get the balls big enough to ask me that?" "Basically for the last 15 years, i have been the music teacher at blaine high, um, and part of my job, and a very important part is to put on a show every year, which i have done completely by myself." "This year it's going to be different because corky, being from new york, being a professional and having put on some very theatrical productions here, uh, is going to be directing the show this year and i'm going to be the musical director," "which is different for me." "Teacher's pet" "I wanna be teacher's pet" "I want to be huddled and cuddled" "And close to you as i can get" "Teacher's pride" "I wanna be teacher's pride" "Dr. Pearl!" "How are you?" "Ron albertson." "Yes, ron." "My wife sheila." "You remember her from previous bills." "Hello, sheila." "What are you doing here?" "I'm here, you know, trying out for the big show." "Congratulations." "No, why are you here really?" "I'm... i told my wife i'd come out for this show." "You know, i thought i'd give it a shot." "Give it your best shot, which won't be the first shot you ever gave." "Hope it doesn't leave corky numb like most of them." "It's like pulling teeth to get a discount from him." "Why don't you give some caramels to the little girl?" "Future customers and all." "So" "I can be teacher's pet" "Long after school is through" "Teacher, teacher, i love you" "Whoa!" "High" "Ahem." "Maybe just... ahhh." "Mmm." "I dream of jeanie" "With the light brown hair" "Floating like a vapor" "On the soft summer air" "Look out!" "Camptown races sing this song" "Doo-dah, doo-dah" "Camptown racetrack 5 miles long" "Oh, doo-dah day" "Gwine to run all night" "Gwine to run all day" "Bet my money on the bob-tail nag" "?" "Somebody bet on the bay?" "Bay, bay, bay" "Way down upon the swannee ribber" "Floating like" "A vapor" "On the soft summer" "Air" "Air" "That was..." "very nice." "Very good." "Very good." "Well, thank you, dr." "Pearl." "Well, thank you very much." "We'll let you know." "Very good." "Thank you." "Thank you." "He can actually sing." "He's good." "wow." "The albertsons?" "Ding-dong." "Oh!" "I wonder who knows i'm vacationing here at the oasis." "Am i late?" "You!" "Surprised?" "How did you find me?" "I have my ways." "Would you like to come in for coffee?" "You don't need to answer" "There's no need to speak" "I'll be your belly dancer" "Prancer" "And i will be your sheik" "I don't need a harem, honey" "When you're by my side" "And you won't need a camel" "No, no" "When i take you for a ride" "We'll need some coffee to go with that ride, won't we?" "You're always full of surprises." "But, say, i wonder, do we have time for that coffee?" "What time is it?" "What time is it?" "Havert you been paying attention?" "It's" "Midnight at the oasis" "Thank you." "Oh... good." "That was great." "Really good." "Thanks a lot." "Thanks for coming." "Should we leave the...?" "Why don't you put that back there?" "Yeah." "Strike it?" "We've done a few shows for corky before, so we know all the terms going in." "Thank you." "Thanks so much." "It was really fun." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Wow." "I'm feeling good about where we stand now with our cast." "I think that the elements, as dr." "Watson said to sherlock," ""are coming together, sir."" "I'm very excited about ron and sheila, the old standbys, the work horses." "I call them the lunts of blaine." "Allan pearl." "Interesting." "How do these... where do they come from?" "Sure, i'd seen him around." "It would never have occurred to me to walk up to the dentist and say, "are you interested in this?"" "But i was shopping for my wife bonnie... i buy most of her clothes... and mrs." "Pearl was in the same shop." "And it just was an accident." "We started talking about pantyhose." "She was saying... that's not the point of the story, but what the point is was that through this accidental meeting, it's like, you know, it's like a hitchcock movie where you're thrown into a rubber bag" "and put in the trunk of a car." "You find people." "You find them." "Something." "Is it karma?" "Maybe." "But we found him, that's the important thing." "And i got bonnie a wonderful pants suit." "They took me off into a separate room." "I seen 'em taking different people off." "Different ones of us off in separate rooms." "They put me on a big white table and, uh, the guy that take me there, the one of them that took me in there to examine me, he probed me." "I was in there i bet more than 3 or 4 hours, in that room being probed." "And at one time or another, there's different ones of them come in," "4, 5, 6 of them at different times, and all of them probed me." "Not all at once, you know." "Individually." "Later on, years later, now even still, it's a funny thing." "It happened on a sunday, and every sunday about the time that i was taken onboard that ship, i find i have no feelings in my buttocks." "Casting a show is really only the beginning of the process." "There's also the whole design concept, what fabrics will work for the costumes, the lighting, and it really becomes a wrasslir match, i guess, between me and the muse of theater, and most of all, dance." "I'd like you to close your eyes now, and i'd like you to try something, all right?" "Now, what are you thinking, what are you feeling right now with your eyes closed?" "I feel a bree... you're blowing in my ear." "All right, but, see, you jumped to a conclusion." "Oh." "See, what i'm asking for is your first feeling was not that i was blowing on you, it was more like... virgin isles or bahamanian or arubian." "Yes." "Yeah, he's at his rehearsal." "He's at his first rehearsal." "I don't know what they're doing 'cause i never been to one before, but i bet they're introducing themselves to each other." "You know, it's gonna be nice to meet some of these new folks, 'cause we don't socialize with the creative types." "We got our scrabble club and stuff, and, um, you know, and other people with babies." "Right." "Good." "Oh, the exercises all mean something." "Even if you don't know what." "Dr. Pearl, well, he'll come around, and he'll learn like ron and sheila and i have learned that corky has a vision." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoo!" "Oh!" "You!" "Forget about it!" "Ha ha!" "Ha ha!" "I went like this." "Forget about it." "Ha ha!" "With her it's ok, but with him, he thought... ha ha!" "I, uh, i'm walking on air, you know." "This is a sensation which is... forget it." "When i became a dentist, i thought i was happy, but this is... this is making me nervous now, because i could have wasted a lot of years." "I must say i was very shocked to see that dr." "Pearl had actually been cast." "Then i thought... we're in a glamor profession, being travel agents, and he isn't in such a glamorous... one project, we have to loosen him up." "I have a feeling he's a little tight." "Particularly when he's around us probably." "I don't think he'll mind jokes." "You're intimidating, ron... i can't help it." "Because you have so much experience." "Ron is going to help everyone act, 'cause i know ron gives me... well, in all the productions we've been in, and when we do scene studies at home together, ron will have extensive," "you know, hour, 2-hour sessions of notes for me, and it's so helpful." "It's notes for both of us." "No, but lately... you get most of them." "He's trying to help me to change my instincts or at least ignore them." "Listen, let me tell you why i'm here." "We're doing a show." "I won't beat around the bush." "We're doing a show that i've written about the 150th anniversary of blaine, and i know you're an old blainian." "Yes?" "And you're really right for one of the parts." "It's the narrator in the show." "One of the actor parts?" "Yeah." "Oh, i don't know." "I've heard... i think you're being modest because i've heard you've had some history in show business." "Well, you know i did have, i had a hankering to be an actor when i was a young fella, when i got out of the coast guard, but i went to taxidermy school instead." "Well, i took a correspondence course." "Uh-huh." "I'll tell you something, mr." "Wooley, what i'm looking for in my shows are actors and people that are willing to work hard." "Well, yeah, i'm a hard worker as you can see." "I love all the work you've done." "That's a little gun rack made out of deer hooves." "Oh, yeah." "Boy, i didn't know deers could do that." "I know this comes out of left field, but i'm looking for another actor." "And i was wondering if you had any interest in participating in the show." "Does that appeal to you in any way?" "I'm not much of an actor, i'm sorry." "I've never done that, anything like that before." "Uh-huh." "Ok, fair enough, but it might be interesting, you know, after, uh..." "do you get off tonight?" "What time do you get off tonight?" "Well, i get off at 8:00." "At 8:00 tonight?" "Yeah." "Really?" "That's..." "that's a long day." "Yeah." "Hey, dad, this is, uh, mr... st." "Clair." "St. Clair." "He's a drama guy." "Yeah, and, um, at 8:00 you're off, though?" "Right." "Yeah." "I have to tell you i'm not much of an actor or singer." "Well, you know what?" "That's what charles laughton said." "You know?" "And look what happened." "Did you change the fan belt on that blue chevy?" "No, i haven't done that yet." "When you get done here, will you get on that?" "Yeah." "Um, so, how tall are you?" "6'2"." "Really?" "Mm-hmm." "Wow." "It's all the same" "When we say, "nothing ever happens in blaine,"" "could we try you two singing "blaine,"" "where we really hear the "ne" at the end." "And you guys just go, "nothing ever happens in blai."" "Don't say the "ne." They say the nes." "And the same thing..." ""nothing ever happens, it's all the same."" "And you sing, "it's all the sa."" "Let's try it once, ok, jean?" "1, 2, 3, and... i know it's hard to jump into this, because it must seem like a, you know... a new world, but we're gonna ease you into it." "And if you ever have any questions, you can always call me up." "I'll give you my... i have a private number." "It's not listed, so don't lose it." "And do not give it out to... to anyone." ""How high a ridge, i could not tell, for the sun, the sun has..."" "not pinching your shirt." "I want, you see..." "hook in those thumbs." "Thumbs?" "Yeah, there you go." "Yeah." "Just... that's right." ""How high a ridge, i could not tell..."" "see what's happening with your voice already?" "'Cause it's almost as if you're squeezing your boobies out, and it's... it's going to be going out into that audience." "Pushing it right out there." "I could try a "how."" ""How... how high a ridge, i could not tell..."" "Keep in time." "Ok." "Right." "Robin in the nest." "Ok." "Right." "Good." "This'll dominate the show." "By the pool" "In the school by the fires of yule" "It's the rule" "There's a stool, there's a stool" "Stools are where" "Once upon a time you'd find a chair" "A chair's for fools" "Everybody wants stools" "Stool boom" "From the parlor to the pool room" "?" "Everyone knows our name?" "Whose script is that?" "Stool..." "Oh, sorry." "No, drool." "You will..." "Oh, they're gonna be..." "Never stopping" "Never breathing, working" "I don't want to interfere, but i think it would be... i think we have to work on... i can't hear you." "I think we have to work on the music a little bit more." "Fine." "But i don't want to make trouble, so... and i don't really want to do this in front of them, but i think... where do you want to do it?" "Well, i think we have to sit down and make a schedule that includes some... some music time, 'cause i think jean and i have to work... why are you whispering?" "I'm right here, you know?" "I don't... oh, i'm sorry." "Do you want me to talk louder?" "Because i think that it would be... well, now it's too loud." "You know, just talk like a normal person, ok?" "I think what they were doing was good." "To me, you rehearse, you rehearse." "You get it perfect." "You know exactly what you're doing." "And then what?" "And then you forget about it." "Let me pinpoint you." "You said they learn it, they forget it, and that's ok?" "That's f... great." "Well, they've forgotten it... but they never learned it." "So when did they learn it?" "I'm just saying, when do we have the time... but what i'm saying is, if they're gonna forget it anyway, then what difference does it make?" "You see what i mean?" "It's like one of those... it's like a..." "it's a zen thing." "It's like, you know..." "you know, how many babies, you know, fit in... in the tire thing?" "That whole..." "the old joke, you know?" "Mm-hmm." "Mm-hmm." "No, you have a point." "Uh, it's, you know, an interesting point." "And how'd you find this place?" "Well, we've... we've been, uh... coming here for many, many years." "Oh, yeah, we come every thursday." "Well, with the rehearsals, you won't be able to now." "This is true." "You know, in china, they'll kill a monkey at the table and split its head open, eat the brains right out of it." "We had friends..." "ew." "Barbara and bruce, remember?" "Who went to, uh, china, and i'm sure... you're in the travel business... that you've been there, but they went to peking, where they make the ducks, and what they say is that the food over there" "is not as good... you can't get a sauce as thick and sweet over there." "They don't make it like that." "Their food is like steamed or something." "And they should've called you, because... yeah, we got some good packages." "Incidentally, if you two ever want to get down to miami, miami beach, we got a great package." "A week, 2 weeks." "All expense... yeah." "You get everything you need, any kind of food in blaine." "You don't... you know, you get chinese here." "Uh, no need to go... we're talking about miami now, dear." "Yeah, we'd love to go." "We'd love to... is it a direct?" "A week, 2 weeks." "Like there aren't chinese people in miami." "Well, we should." "You know, we've stopped... what does that have to do... of course there are chinese people in miami." "We're talking about china now." "I'm talking about going to miami." "Miami." "We're talking about miami now." "Dear, why don't you put some food on your stomach before you have any more wine?" "What's it..." "what's it... shh." "Girl talk." "What's it like to be with a circumcised man?" "That is interesting." "I'd ask you more about that, but ron said..." ""that whole jew thing's..."" "aah." "'Cause when ron had his surgery... all right, all right, all right." "When ron had his surgery, i said," ""hey, circumcise it while you're at it."" "'Cause i had never been with anyone else." "Rors the only man i've been with." "Well, what surgery, uh..." "did he have some major... nothing." "I had a little minor corrective surgery." "Could we have some coffee at this table, please?" "It's not minor anymore." "Just... well, maybe, you know, we should change the subject." "I had what, you know, most guys would, uh... dream of, you know." "And i had to have, uh, penis-reduction surgery." "I'm sorry?" "Penis reduction." "Which there aren't many." "You're gonna say, "i never heard of that,"" "'cause there haven't been many cases." "I said, "ron, do something."" "And he said, "why don't you get one of those... vagina enlargements?"" "Oh, dear!" "Could we have some coffee over here?" "Have you tried the egg rolls?" "Unbelievable." "Let me ask you something." "You're a medical man." "Yes." "I want to ask you something." "If you... you... oh!" "Ohh, for heavers sake!" "No!" "No." "No, please." "No!" "I just want... doctor, please... medicine man not go near dances with stumpy." "No." "Everybody, everybody, i have a little announcement to make." "I wasrt gonna tell you." "I sent out 10 letters to different producers in new york city." "That's great." "This is from the oppeneimer organization." ""Dear mr." "St. Clair," ""in response to your letter" ""re:" "Blaine, missouri's 150th anniversary" ""and the debut of your original musical" ""red, white,  blaine," ""the oppeneimer organization" ""is delighted to inform you" ""that it will be sending a representative," ""mr." "Mort guffman," ""to view the production and enlighten us with his comments."" "How about that?" ""We thank you for the invitation."" "And it says, "best regards, samuel oppeneimer jr."" "Wow." "What does this mean, corky?" "What it means is, we may be goir to broadway." "Aah!" "Ohh!" "Oh, this is great news!" "How about that?" "Did you hear that?" "My aunt..." "i brought out her atlas that i look at a lot, this big blue book, and opened up to new york." "And it's an island, is really what it is." "It's this..." "island full of people of different colors and different ideas, and i can't... it sounds like a lot of fun to me." "You know, we don't see much of that in blaine." "I'd like to maybe meet some guys and... italian guys or... you know, i've watched tv and stuff." "L-i'm gonna be glad to do the show on broadway, and there'll probably be other offers." "Mmm." "Keeping our fingers crossed." "But i don't know if the theater and the stage is for me." "For one thing, there's an awful lot of memorizing of lines, and i think... and i think..." "you know what i'm thinking." "Yeah." "That's always been in your way." "The ultimate goal..." "hollywood." "Even when i was a kid doing my impressions..." ""Here's looking at you, babe."" "And, uh..." ""You don't care about anyone but yourself."" "Who was that?" "Henry fonda." "I always have to tell her who i'm doing." "She always laughs, "now, who is that?"" "But i think, back there, there's always the germ in my mind that that's where i'd end up..." "on the silver screen." "And you got the face for it, too, darlir." "You know, i want to try that "less is more" kind of acting, where you just... when you're talking to someone, you close your eyes, and then you look at them when you're not talking to the person." "I mean, you open your eyes when you're looking away, but then when you talk to the person, you go like that." "And you open your eyes, and then you look back at the person, but you never open your eyes when you're talking to them." "The guffman news is really big, and, uh, i don't truthfully think that the cast understand how big." "Um, they don't know the new york thing." "They haven't been through it, and i have." "You know, so it is kind of on my shoulders, and... going to the big apple for the first time, you know, is... such an experience." "You never forget it." "It stays with you for your whole life." "Me, you know, right out of the navy, you know, fresh off a destroyer, uh, with a dance belt and a tube of chapstick, basically." "You know, not really much to call my own." "And then basically being slammed down for 10 or so years, you know, off off off off broadway, and then enough is enough, ok?" "I get the joke." "And... is that gonna happen again?" "I don't know." "I mean, and i don't want it to happen again." "In my deepest, deepest of hearts, i do not want it to happen again." "Mr. Guffman brings with him..." "a reputation, something bigger than anyone in this town has ever known, and if i am to get back to new york city on my terms, i cannot deliver him..." "a stinky product." "I really have to be presenting him a package." "A beautifully wrapped, glossy, sweet-smelling show." "What i need from you... because you're the bosses of the town, essentially, and i know that... is... this is so hard." "I mean, there's nothing easy about this." "This is like when you're getting your legs waxed, and they whip that thing off real fast." "That's what this is like." "I need more money." "How much do you need?" "Steve's right." "How much are you thinking of, now?" "Ok." "What i need... is 100,000." "Oh, brother!" "Corky!" "He is good." "He is." "And let me explain, let me explain what... go ahead." "Oh, man, my heart stopped for a second there." "He started going "money" and the whole guffman thing." "Let me just explain really what that entails." "I bought it all the way, by the way." "He's not joking." "He's serious, glenn." "He's... he's not kidding?" "Corky, our entire budget for the entire year is $15,000 for everything, and that includes swimming." "Well, i don't have any swimming in my show." "No, no." "I mean the pool." "We have to keep up the pool." "That's everything." "The entire year is 15,000." "100,000?" "!" "Look, you're a nice fella and all, glad you're here, but if i may be blunt..." "what's wrong with you?" "I mean..." "So what i'm understanding here, correct me if i'm wrong, is that you're not giving me any money." "So now i'm left basically with nothing." "I'm left with zero, in which... in which..." "what can i do with zero?" "You know, what can I..." "i can't do anything with it." "This is my life here we're talking about." "We're not just talking about, you know, something else." "We're talking about my life, you know?" "And it's forcing me to do something i don't want to do... to leave, to... to go out and just leave and go home and say..." "make a clean cut here and say, "no, way, corky." "You're not putting up with these people."" "And i'll tell you why i can't put up with you people." "Because you're bastard people." "That's what you are." "You're just bastard people, and i'm going home, and i'm gonna... i'm gonna bite my pillow is what i'm gonna do!" "What do you use on your skin?" "Vaseline." "Petroleum jelly on your skin?" "Yeah." "You are getting away with murder, libby." "You're young and it's ok, but have i told you... libby, i have an announcement." "I have to talk to you." "Excuse me, libby." "I have to talk to you." "I'm gonna round us up." "Hold on." "Gee." "Dr. Pearl." "Morning." "Good morning." "We have an announcement." "We have to talk." "Ok?" "Gather around, please." "Gather around." "Libby!" "Sheila." "Excuse me, ron." "Thank you." "Dr. Pearl." "Please be quiet." "I have an announcement." "We've got to listen up here." "Excuse me, are we gonna be vocalizing?" "We will be vocalizing." "Before we start, i'd like to clear my throat." "Yes, we'll be doing..." "we'll be vocalizing." "We'll be doing a lot of..." "excuse me, please!" "Everybody, let's be serious now just for a moment, and let's all listen up, ok?" "Corky has left the show, and i am taking over." "And what i want to do today is start with some music, do dancing, and work on our lines." "And my hope is at the end of 5 days, we will know what we're doing... what do you mean?" "And we will have a show." "Corky's left?" "You mean he's left for today or permanently?" "Corky has quit the show, and it's my show." "Corky!" "Cork!" "Corky!" "Here, you go up." "Boy, i only do that twice a day, that's good exercise." "You know, most athletic injuries... is he not answering?" "Corky, we love you!" "Corky, open up!" "Corky!" "Corky, we love you!" "We want you to live!" "There may be something wrong." "Try the door." "Is the door unlocked?" "He wants to be alone right now." "I'd never forgive myself if something was wrong." "Just shut up!" "Just shut up!" "Jesus christ!" "Freaks!" "Freaky people, my god!" "I know how he feels, too!" "Guess i can just go back to the dairy queen, you know." "They said they'd take me back." "I always have a place at the dairy queen." "You got to stop crying." "She hasn't cried this much since the day we got married." "Honestly." "You know, this is wonderful." "Why didn't i react like this when i was playing football for the blaine panthers and our quarterback went down with a dislocated knee?" "I should have said, "time-out!"" "'Cause you're strong, ron, you're strong." "You're just a big brick!" "Let's delay the game, and my lip would tremble, and i see we have an injured quarterback." "Let's give up." "No." "You know what we did?" "We brought in the second-string quarterback." "When he went down, we brought in the third-string quarterback, and we went out, and we whipped the pants off of harry truman high school, and next week, went out and mopped the floor with blessed, uh, heart of mary." "And they went on to win the state championship." "To tell you the truth, i haven't even thought about it." "Not for a... not for a second have i even dwelled on the fact that the show's over." "I don't, uh, i don't, uh, think about it." "L... i try not to think about it, and therefore, i, you know, don't, because it's a very healthy way to deal with something that is ultimately not that important in the long run." "It's not... not, uh, not important at all, you know, for me." "I'm just so sad for corky, you know, i mean... i think these creative people, they're real emotional, and, um... i think the important thing about show-biz people is that you got to have a-another life." "And I... i know, you know, uh, he's... he's got a wife." "I guess she's out of town." "Um... because i haven't seen her." "I've never seen her, so, you know, that could be the problem." "You know, maybe she's just not supportive." "Corky, without you, there's no show." "Without the show, there's no celebration." "Without celebration, there's no blaine." "So you see how it's a domino effect." "You know how dominoes do that." "Without blaine, i got news for you, there's no missouri." "Blaine is the heart of missouri." "What happens if missouri goes down?" "You tell me." "We need the magic back in the show, is what we need, and it ain't gonna happen with lloyd." "Lloyd is a music teacher, and he shops at walmart." "He doesn't even support the town." "The person who needs you the most... is blaine fabing." "Hear, hear." "And i'm not just saying that because i am a fabing." "Ok, ok." "I'm saying that because i just know that nobody can touch, um... that whole... thing." "That whole thing, hmm?" "You could take a nickel, and you could make it into a million dollars, because this man is a genius, and we cannot lose that." "Look what you did withbarefoot when you came to this town." "Did you have any budget then?" "You didn't have $100,000 then, and look what happened to that show." "And what aboutbackdraft?" "You took a little bit of cellophane, and you made it into flames!" "You can still feel the heat." "You know what?" "You're not wrong." "We need you to take your magic wand... and wave it and make this town special again, is what we need." "Will you do it?" "Come on back, cork." "Please." "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Yay!" "Thank you." "Yay!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Please!" "Oh!" "Whoo!" "All right, thank you, thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Ok, let's pretend that it never happened, ok?" "And let's just jump intocovered wagons." "All right?" "Let's start from the dance part." "Covered wagons!" "Whoo!" "Waah!" "In a funny way, what the city council did was really give me a challenge, and it's a challenge that i am going to accept." "It's like in the olden days and the days in france when men would slap each other with their gloves, and say, you know," ""d'artagnan, you know, how dare you talk to me like that, you!"" "And smack 'im." "Stool boom" "From the parlor to the pool room" "We're the center of a stool boom" "?" "Everyone knows our name?" "Working, making" "Never stopping, never sleeping" "Working, building" "Some for selling, some for keeping" "You will drool" "At the splendor of these magic stools" "It's the rule" "Everyone has a stool" "Just 3 legs" "It's the thing for which a monarch begs" "Hock your jewels" "I did want to mention one thing." "Mm-hmm?" "Specs?" "1845, you know, i think it's a little problem." "Oh, oh, oh." "My glasses." "You're saying... i don't think you should wear them." "Don't wear them in the show?" "It's mostly in covered wagons, because i think that's the one where it's just not as believable." "Of course, when you get further up in time, historically, it's... i can see a couple of problems." "Nothing major." "Nothing that we can't solve." "One, um... contrary to public opinion, i don't see very well without my glasses, so i'm thinking is that going to be a problem for me... just look out." "And the other thing which is also a problem is i have a very lazy eye which these prescription glasses help correct." "Wo 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and..." "Blue sky, blue sea" "Blue grass, blue tree" "Red as the fire in our hearts" "That makes this country strong" "Red as the fire in our hearts" "That helps us sing this song" "Getting off the horse is not a problem." "I can get off the horse like that, but where i'm having a problem is that sometimes the horse comes out and i can't get past the cow." "So i have to kind of do this when i come out." ""Gather round, for i have news."" "I don't know which is more lifelike, the horse or dr." "Pearl." "Oh!" "Ha ha ha!" "You." "Corky?" "Here's the phone." "It's johnny." "I feel like a hero... hello?" "Yeah?" "What do you mean?" "Then we back up." "But i've been waiting for you to turn around..." "What are you saying?" "Shh!" "I understand that." "No, i understand." "Believe me, i do understand." "What can you do is just say absolutely not!" "Do you understand that?" "I don't believe that." "No, i'm sorry." "I do not accept that." "That is not an answer, no." "It's absolutely unacceptable that you would say this now." "Not today!" "No!" "And that's the way it is?" "Then i just hate you!" "And i hate your ass face!" "What's up?" "Oh, corky." "Johnny's not in the show." "His dad said he has to go back to work." "What does he think this is, school, that he can be marked absent one day?" "This is the day of the show, y'all." "Oh, my god." "Just... just..." "This is very strange." "Ron, just... just let me think for a second, all right?" "I've just got to take a breath here and... and try to figure this out, all right?" "It's tight." "That hurts." "If you could hike it up a little bit you'd get more room." "I am pulling them up." "Sort of trying to commit to one side here, dear." "This is johnny's costume, and johnny is a lot... he's a different body type than you are." "This is... i don't..." "i'm worried... i'm about 5 inches away... i understand." "Wo Actors, we're at 15 minutes." "Oh, my god!" "Aah!" "We're at 15." "No, we gotta move now." "Come on." "You're gonna have to help me here." "Ok, ok." "Help me here!" "I'm so nervous." "You're gonna be great." "If there's an empty space, just say a line." "That's what i like to do." "Even if it's from another show." "Agnes, where's the lilac dress?" "You mean the purple one?" "Yes." "Where is it?" "Honey, i told you to lay off the hot fudge sundaes." "I couldn't let the seams out." "It's not here?" "Not it is not." "Hello, sweetheart." "Oh, i destroyed my makeup!" "Mmm." "Hark!" "A rider approaches!" "Oh, god!" "It's all right." "Just... careful." "I hope that isn't too hot." "No, no, it's just fine." "May i remind you, please?" "No glasses for the first number." "Oh, no, no, no, I... actors?" "We're at places." "Have a good show everybody!" "Break a leg!" "Don't worry about anything 'cause it's gonna all roll... he's not here." "He's not here." "What?" "Not here?" "Guffman?" "Should we lower the curtain?" "Corky!" "Everybody, look, look, i've been through this a million times." "These new york types like to come late." "Believe me." "I've never seen one of them come on time in all my years in the theater." "Take a deep breath... blow it out." "He's gonna be here." "Let's just do a good show, ok?" "Everybody do a good show." "Hands in the middle." "Oh, howdy." "Eh, didn't see you sneak up on me there." "But if you like, you're welcome to share my campfire with me." "I was just fixing to get me some grub." "Beans." "mmm." "I love beans." "Big, fat, hot juicy beans." "Now, don't get me going on beans or i'll be jabberir away till the sun comes up." "But, you know, now that i've got your ear, there is a story i wouldn't mind sharing with you." "It's a tall tale that grows taller with each passing year." "It's the story of blaine." "Well, we've traveled long and far today." "We must let the women and children rest." "Don't you rest on our account, daniel potter." "We women are just as strong and resilient as you men." "Ha ha ha!" "I do believe you are, rebecca." "I do believe you are." "California will be a sight for these weary eyes." "Mine as well, rebecca, mine as well." "But right now we need a campfire to warm our souls and to cook our food." "Done." "Oh." "Oh." "That will be quite enough of that, billy whittaker." "Just one kiss?" "There'll be plenty of time for kissing when we get to california." "Ifwe get to california." "Oh, we'll get there." "Blaine fabing will lead us there." "Hark!" "A rider approaches." "Blaine fabing returns!" "Whoa!" "Ho there!" "Whoa, steady." "Gather round for i have news." "What news?" "What did your keen and perceptive eyes behold?" "Just up yonder, there is a ridge." "How high a ridge, i could not tell, for the sun had set and darkness fell before i reached its pinnacle." "Then... a strange thing happened." "My nose started twitchir." "There was a mysterious scent in the night air." "What?" "What kind of scent?" "What was this mysterious scent?" "It was the scent of salt water!" "Oh!" "Salt water!" "Salt water?" "Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our destination!" "We have reached the pacific!" "Welcome to california!" "Yay!" "Yay!" "Grab your feller by the hand" "Welcome him to the promised land" "Grab your lady by the arm" "Take her out behind the barn" "Everybody dance!" "Whoo!" "That was great!" "Shut up." "I can't believe... oh, my!" "60 years went by, and the town of blaine kept a-growir and a-changir." "Every time you looked around, a new house was going up, a new family was moving in." "Hurry, agnes." "I am trying to hurry." "There we go." "You got my hat?" "Where's my hat?" "Your hat?" "Right here is your hat, darling." "Mcgillicuddy's orchard became the blaine elementary school." "They even laid track for that newfangled invention, the iron horse, which brought a pretty important visitor to blaine." "Yay!" "It's president mckinley!" "Hurrah!" "Hurrah!" "Good people of blaine, they told me my next stop was wichita, but i said, "what about blaine?"" "Yay!" "Hurrah!" "I guess i need a new travel agent." "Mr. President, in honor of our visit... yourvisit toourtown, i present you humbly with this fair key to our city." "Well, i do declare, i believe the key to this city is larger than the city itself." "Wait, mr." "President!" "What have we here?" "It's a footstool." "I make them." "Well, isn't that interesting?" "I'll take this back to washington with me, and every time i rest my feet i'll think of blaine." "Yay!" "Hurrah!" "Hurrah!" "Now, we all know that politicians aren't used to keeping their word... he's here." "He's here." "I told you he was gonna come." "Should we start over again?" "He didn't see covered wagons!" "Well, before you know it, everyone rich and poor alike had to have a blaine stool in their home." "The little town never knew what hit it." "Footstool factories sprouted up like toadstools." "Everyone had a good job, everyone was making a good wage." "Blaine was on the map." "By the pool" "In the school, by the fires of yule" "It's the rule" "There's a stool, there's a stool" "Stools are where" "Once upon a time you'd find a chair" "A chair's for fools" "Everybody wants stools" "Stool boom" "From the parlor to the pool room" "We're the center of a stool boom" "?" "Everyone knows our name?" "Working, building" "Never stopping, never sleeping" "Working, making" "Some for selling, some for keeping" "You will drool" "At the splendor of these magic stools" "It's the rule" "Everyone has a stool" "Just 3 legs" "It's a thing for which a monarch begs" "Hock your jewels" "Use the money for stools" "Stool boom" "Just 3 legs and watch the sales zoom" "Like a fever, it's a stool boom" "And it's spreading out from blaine" "Working, building" "Never stopping, never sleeping" "Working, making" "Some for selling, some for keeping" "Working, building" "Never stopping, never sleeping" "Working, making" "Some for selling" "Some for keeping" "Whew." "I can't wait to see the second half." "Allan, his dramatic work... i mean, i knew he was funny, and i knew he could move, dance, 'cause he's that way, but i think his dramatical work is so moving that, um... well, i mean, i called joyce and i said," ""joyce, bring joshie 'cause i gotta feed him halftime 'cause i'm just busting."" "This is good." "Boy, they're moving." "They're dancing all over the place and the songs are very catchy." "Uh, very catchy." "Can't get a few of them out of my head." "Almost to an annoying point, but i think it's good when a song is catchy." "From the little experience i have in show business." "I knew corky that could act and direct and produce, but who knew he was going to act and sing and dance?" "You know, he can just do everything there is to do, and there's only one other person in the world that can do that and that's barbra streisand." "He is..." "I don't know." "An inspiration to this town." "That's... that's what he is." "And i, for one, am very glad to see that johnny savage dropped out of the show, because a couple years ago, he came into the drugstore and he tried to steal my stamp machine, and that kid is no good." "You could tell just by his parents he's no good, and he would not have added anything to this show." "Where corky on the other hand..." "look at him!" "Did you see... god, i wish i was in the show!" "I hear that french girls... are very pretty." "That they wear the finest of clothes." "I also hear that they are experts in the ways of love." "Ima, i'm going to fight for my country." "To fight, and yes, perhaps die so that young men from here to timbuktu can feel the wind of freedom blowing through their hair." "Oh, monty, i didn't mean to doubt you." "It's just sometimes i feel as if i don't really know you." "I would still pay." "A penny for your thoughts" "A dime for your dreams" "Would a shiny new quarter" "Buy a peek at your schemes?" "And when you are away" "So far from my side" "I will cherish my penny's won'th" "Till at last i'm your bride" "A penny for your thoughts" "Let's call it a deal" "I don't have any secrets" "You know how i feel" "That's it." "No, no." "Hey, here." "Where?" "You know where i like the curl." "Ron, i have to get myself ready." "There it is." "Nice." "Now, a little fluff here and you can work on yourself." "A penny for your thoughts" "It's settled and done" "I'd have offered a million" "I'd have done it for none" "I reckon we're in love" "And married we'll be" "And all for a penny" "A bright copper penny" "The penny that brought you" "To me" "It was so good." "I told you you'd be able to lift me like that." "Ha ha!" "You were right!" "You lifted me up!" "Yes, after our brave fighting boys returned from the war, things got back to normal in blaine." "Until one summer night in 1946, when unexpected visitors put us back on the map." "Where are we?" "How did we get here?" "Is this a dream?" "Look, what is it?" "I don't know." "It looks like one of them new feed storage bins." "That ain't no feed storage bin!" "How did it get here?" "It must've flew!" "But it don't have any wings." "Then i guess it just dropped... from somewhere up there." "Citizens of blaine, do not be alarmed." "We will not harm you." "We come in peace from a planet far, far away." "A place we call mars." "I've heard of mars." "Where's that?" "Stand back and your queries will be answered." "Look out!" "What do you want from us?" "A good question, earthling." "It seemed like it was time for a change." "Time to take a trip to see the exciting places in the galaxy." "For you see..." "Nothing ever happens on mars" "No sports or entertainment" "Or swinging bars" "You stand around" "You stand some more" "On a planet named for a roman god of war" "Nothing ever happens on mars" "?" "No supersonic airplanes?" "No sporty cars" "The sun comes up" "The sun goes down" "You can't go to the country" "You can't go to town" "Boring, boring" "Boring, boring" "Boring, boring" "Boring" "Well, the town of blaine has packed a lot in the last 150 years." "We've had our ups and we've had our downs." "We've seen our past and we look forward to the future." "And when the challenges come, we'll greet them the way americans always do, with grit, determination, and pride." "Because that, my friends, isamerica." "And nothir says america more to me than blaine!" "Aah!" "Corky!" "Corky!" "Mmm!" "You're so brilliant!" "You're brilliant!" "Cliff, you're great." "Everyone is so great!" "Ohh, dr." "Pearl!" "Corky, you did it!" "Thank you!" "Mmm!" "I'm going to get mr." "Guffman." "I'll be right backstage." "It was great." "Hello, how are you?" "Hi." "It's nice to meet you." "And you, too." "Boffo socko, corky." "Thank you so much, mr." "Mayor." "Wait'll they hear about this at the next mayor's conference." "Thank you so much." "I know we have a lot of work to do, the first act needs... that was magic." "Thank you very much, steve." "God!" "Thank you so much." "Which we've got... the first act, it's just up and down." "Kind of dipping in and out, and i know that, just don't have the time to do everything." "So, i'm gonna ask you point-blank... do we have a shot to go to broadway?" "Yes, i think so." "Ohh, mamma mia!" "That is such good news." "Oh, i can't tell you what news that is to me." "Would you like to meet the cast?" "I'd like that, yeah." "Oh, great." "Come on with me, you." "Ohh!" "Mr. Pro!" "Wonderful job." "You, too." "That blaine..." "Everybody!" "Ha ha ha!" "Ohh!" "Ohh!" "Yes!" "Our cast." "Thank you." "You were just great." "Oh ho ho!" "Well, i'd like... please, introduce yourselves." "Sheila... sheila albertson." "I was?" "You were great." "Mrs. Ron albertson." "I'm ron albertson." "It's a pleasure to perform for someone... this came a couple hours ago." "I'm sorry i'm just now getting it to you." "Oh, thank you, sweetie." "Clifford wooley." "Mr. Wooley." "Nice to meet you." "Allan pearl." "You... you make me laugh." "Oh, it's a delight to meet you, sir." "Well, i'm sure that mr." "Guffman would like to say a few words to us." "Hear, hear!" "Speech, speech, speech!" "I think there's some mistake." "My name is loomis." "Roy loomis." "I'm down from deming." "I came down, my niece had her first baby." "Yeah, it's a boy." "That's what the balloon is for." "I just wanted to tell you how just absolutely wonderful you all were." "And thank you." "And i'll be seeing you." "And bless you." "He's gonna love this." "oh, boy." "Take our makeup off." "Ahem." ""Snowstorm in new york." ""All flights canceled." "Mort guffman."" "I think the one really important thing that i learned uh, from my whole experience in working with corky, is that i do indeed have talent." "And a couple of things, actually." ""B"...i have to entertain." "I have to entertain." "And you have to go where you are needed, you have to go where the crowds are, and you have to go where the love is." "And the love, for me, right now is in miami." "Not blaine." "My bubbee made a kishke" "She made it big and fat" "My sadie took one look at it" "And said, "i can't eat that!"" "Oh, mama, mama, mama" "Oh, mama, me, oh, my" "Well, here we are in the land of dreams, and don't let anybody tell you dreams can't come true." "We're an hour from the snow, we're 20 minutes from the ocean," "2 hours from the mexico." "5 hours from vegas." "And we're gonna get there one of these days." "Soon as we get a car." "We don't have a car yet." "Who wants to add to the pollution?" "We consider ourselves bl-coastal if you consider the mississippi river one of the coasts." "Wo Extras, let's go." "Over here." "All right." "Time to get back to work." "That's what they're paying us for." "Can't they even refer to us by name?" "Why can't they say, "ron, sheila, we're this way, please"?" "Still the same paycheck, honey." "How you doing?" "All right." "You're doing a great job, incidentally." "Face towards the camera and smile." "Are you gonna smile?" "I think we should have a line." "I gave him some suggestions." "He didn't want to hear... we should be line-dancing." "That's a great idea." "Quiet, please!" "Get your finger up." "Keep smiling." "Quiet, please." "I was on my way to new york, and then my dad got out of prison." "Which is good." "He was supposed to be in there for 10 years, but i guess since he didn't kill anybody, he just... ruined some property, that they let him out after 5." "So, it's... i'm here with my dad." "And, um... i've been thinking of ice cream and stuff and what i could do with it." "Maybe... we have a blizzard and we have a breeze." "We have derbies." "The derbies are really old." "They've been doing derbies..." "the chocolate dip... for, i think 20 years or something." "I really want to sort of make a healthy low-fat or non-fat, um... healthy... blizzard." "The first thing i did when i moved back to new york city, was to look up mr." "Guffman." "And he was so sweet, and i think he felt a little guilty, too, because he's offered me the chance to audition for his new broadway show which is a revival ofmy fair lady." "It's one of my favorite shows of all time." "And the role is of 'enry 'iggins, the somewhat- stern-taskmaster- but-he-really-likes-her- anyway-kind-of-thing guy who teaches eliza to speak correctly." "And she of course is of the cockney persuasion and drops her hs." "And i've been working on that at home, the whole cockney thing of, "'ello, 'ow are 'oo?"" ""Do you want to go to 'artford?"" ""Not live in this 'ell'ole." And that kind of thing." "I think i'm honing in on it pretty close now." "And i suppose that the cake-and-eat-it-too part of this whole story is that another dream of mine has come true, which is that i've gotten to open this shop... where i have all my show business treasures and all my memorabilia." "This is without a doubt, one of my favorite items." "Um, my dinner with andre action figures, and what you can do, which is so cute, is you can reenact the whole scene." "You know, where the two guys talk to each other and say, you know..." ""boy, i'm sure glad you found a good restaurant." ""You know, it's so hard these days to get in." "Who do you know?"" ""Oh, i just called." "Made a call." "Spur of the moment."" ""Ha ha!" "Oh, you, you can always get a reservation."" "You know." "That's not from the movie, but you can make up your own dialogue, which is one of the great things about action figures." "I'm trying to get..." "it's very rare... the one... the action figures fordas boot, 'cause i love to do that whole claustrophobic thing inside the sub where they're, you know," ""das kande, das mushtenstein."" "That whole german thing." "Can't speak german, but it sounds like sort of a bunch of barnyard animals," ""muck, muck, muck," making that noise and sweatir." "Uh, over here, these are my big heads, i call 'em, starting with anthony michael hall, one of the brat packers." "In fact, in the background there, there's andrew mccan'thy." "Over here, some new lunchboxes we've gotten in, the remains of the day lunchbox, and the kids, they're just having such a good time with these, you know." "Kids don't like eating lunch at school, but if they're got aremains of the daylunchbox, they're a whole lot happier." "Captioning made possible by warner bros." "There's not much pleasure" "But not much pain 'cause nothir ever happens" "Zero ever happens" "Bupkiss ever happens" "In..." "Blaine"