"Don't just stand there, Freddy, go and find a cab." "Alright, I'll get one, I'll get one." "Look where you're going, dear, look where you're going." "I'm so sorry." "Two bunches of violets trod in the mud." "A full day's wages." "Freddy!" "Freddy, go and find a cab!" "Yes, Mother." "Oh, he's your son, is he?" "Well if you'd done your duty" "By him as a mother should, you wouldn't let him" "Spoil a poor girl's flowers and then run away without paying." "You go about your business, my girl." "And you wouldn't go off without paying either." "Two bunches of violets trod in the mud..." "Jove!" "Good heavens!" "Oh, sir, is there any sign of it stopping?" "I'm afraid not, it's worse than before." "Oh dear." "If it's worse it's a sign it's nearly over." "Cheer up, Captain." "Buy a flower off a poor girl?" "I'm sorry, I haven't any change." "Oh, I can change half a crown." "Here, take this for tuppence." "I told you, I'm awfully sorry I haven't..." "Oh wait a minute..." "Oh yes, here's three hapence if that's enough for you." "Thank you, sir." "Here, you be careful and better give him a flower for it." "There's a bloke here behind that pillar" "Taking down ev'ry blessed word you're saying." "Aw, ain't there nothing wrong about speaking to the gentleman." "I've a right to sell flowers if I'll keep off the curb." "I'm a respectable girl, so help me!" "I never spoke to him" "Except to offer him to buy a flower off me." "What's all the blooming noise?" "It's a 'tec taking her down." "I'm making an honest living." "Aw, sir, don't let him charge me..." "don't know what it means to me." "They'll take away me character and drive me on the streets..." "For speaking to gentleman!" "There, there, there, there!" "Who's hurting you, you silly girl?" "What do you take me for?" "On my Bible oath, I never spoke a word." "Shut up, shut up." "Do I look like a policeman?" "Then why'd you take down me words fer?" "How do I know" "You took me down right." "You just show me what you wrote about me." "Oh... what's all that ain't proper writing and I can't read it." "I can. "I say, Captain, now buy ya a flower off a poor girl"." "Oh, it's 'cause I called him Captain." "I meant no harm." "Oh, sir, don't let him lie a charge against me..." "What, I'll make no charge." "Really, sir, if you are a detective you needn't begin protecting me against molestation" "From young women until I ask you." "Anyone can tell the girl meant no harm." "He ain't no 'tec, he's a gentleman." "Look at his boots." "How are all your people down at Selsey?" "Who told you my people come from Selsey?" "Never mind, they do." "How do you come to be up so far East?" "You were born in Lisson Grove." "Oh, this is for my leaving Lisson Grove." "It weren't fit for a pig to live in" "And I had to pay four and six a week..." "Live where you like, but stop that noise." "Calm down, he can't touch you." "You've a right to live where you please." "I'm a good girl." "Yes you are." "Where do I come from?" "Hexton." "Well who said I didn't?" "Blimey, you know everything, you do." "Sir, do you think you could find me a taxi?" "I don't know if you noticed it, Madame, but it stopped raining." "You can get a motorbus to Hampton Court." "Well that's where you live, isn't it?" "What impertinance!" "Here, tell him where he comes from" "If you want to go fortune-telling." "Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge and India?" "Quite right!" "Blimey, ain't it?" "Tecky's a bloomin' busybody." "Allow me to ask you." "Do you do this sort of thing" "For a living at a music hall?" "Well, I have thought of it." "Perhaps I will one day." "He's no gentleman, he ain't, interfering with a poor girl." "How do you do it, may I ask?" "Simple phonetics, the science of speech." "That's my profession, also my hobby." "Anyone can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman" "By his brogue, but I can place a man within six miles." "I can place him within two miles in London, sometimes within two streets." "He ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward." "Is there a living in that?" "Oh yes, quite fair." "Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl..." "Woman!" "Cease this detestable boohooing instantly" "Or else seek shelter at some other place of worship." "I've a right to be here if I like, same as you." "One who utters such disgusting and depressing noise" "Has no right to be anywhere, no right to live." "Remember that you're a human being with a soul" "And the divine gift of articulate speech." "It's your native language, it's the language of Shakespeare" "And Milton and the Bible." "Don't sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon." "Aooow!" "Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters" "Condemned by ev'ry syllable she utters" "By right she should be taken out and hung" "For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue" "Aoow!" "Aoow!" "Heavens, what a sound" "This is what the British population calls an elementary education" "Come, sir, I think you picked a poor example." "Did I?" "Hear them down in Soho Square dropping H's everywhere" "Speaking English any way they like" "You, sir, did you go to school?" "Whad-ya tike me fer, a fool?" "No one taught him "take" instead of "tike"" "Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse" "Hear a Cornishman converse" "I'd rather hear a choir singing flat" "Chickens cackling in a barn" "Just like this one" "Garn!" "Garn!" "I ask you, sir, what sort of word is that?" "It's Aoow and Garn that keep her in her place" "Not her wretched clothes and dirty face" "Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?" "This verbal class distinction by now should be antique" "If you spoke as she does, sir, instead of the way you do" "Why you might be selling flowers, too" "I beg your pardon!" "An Englishman's way of speaking absolutely classifies him" "The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him" "One common language I'm afraid we'll never get" "Oh, why can't the English learn to set" "A good example to people whose English is painful to your ears?" "The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears" "There are even places where English completely disappears" "Why, in America they haven't used it for years" "Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?" "Norwegians learn Norwegian" "The Greeks are taught their Greek" "In France ev'ry Frenchman knows his language from "A" to "Zed"" "The French don't care what they do, actually, as long as they" "Pronounce it properly" "Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning" "The Hebrews learn it backwards" "Which is absolutely fright'ning" "But use proper English, you're regarded as a freak" "Oh, why can't the English" "Why can't the English" "Learn to speak?" "Thank you." "You see this creature with her curbstone English," "The English that will keep her in the gutter 'til the end of her days?" "Well, sir, in six months I could pass her off" "As a duchess at an embassy ball." "I could even get her a job as a lady's maid" "Or a shop assistant which requires better English." "Eh, what's that you say?" "Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf," "You disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns," "You incarnate insult to the English language," "I could pass you off as the Queen of Sheba." "Aoow, you don't believe that, Captain?" "Anything's possible." "I myself am a student of Indian dialect." "Are you?" "Do you know Colonel Pickering," "The author of "Spoken Sanskrit"?" "I am Colonel Pickering." "Who are you?" "I'm Henry Higgins, author of "Higgin's Universal Alphabet"." "I came from India to meet you." "I was going to India to meet you." "Higgins." "Pickering." "Higgins." "Where are you staying?" "At the Carleton." "No you're not." "You're staying at 27 A Wimpole Street." "You come along with me." "We'll have a jaw over supper." "Indian dialects have always fascinated me." "Buy a flower, kind sir, I'm short for me lodging." "Liar, you said you could change half a crown." "You ought to be stuffed with nails, you ought." "Here, take the whole blooming basket for six pence." "A reminder." "How many are there actually?" "How many what?" "Indian dialects." "No fewer than 147 languages are recorded..." "Aoow!" "Be sure to be standing, gentlemen," "We've got a blooming heiress in our midst." "Would you be looking for a good butler, Eliza?" "Well you won't do." "It's rather dull in town" "I think I'll take me to Paree Mmmm..." "The missus wants to open up the castle in Capri Mmmm..." "Me doctor recommends a quiet summer by the sea" "Wouldn't it be loverly?" "Where are you bound for this year, Liza dearest?" "All I want is a room somewhere" "Far away from the cold night air" "With one enormous chair" "Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" "Lots of choc'late for me to eat" "Lots of coal makin' lots of heat" "Warm face, warm hands, warm feet" "Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" "Oh so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin-uitly still" "I would never budge 'til spring crept over me windowsill" "Someone's head resting' on my knee" "Warm and tender as he can be" "Who takes good care of me" "Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" "Loverly, loverly," "Loverly, loverly" "All I want is a room somewhere" "Far away from the cold night air" "With one enormous chair" "Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" "Lots of choc'late for me to eat" "Lots of coal makin' lots of heat" "Warm face, warm hands, warm feet" "Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" "Oh so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin-uitly still" "I would never budge 'til spring crept over me windowsill" "Someone's head resting' on my knee" "Warm and tender as she can be" "Who takes good care of me" "Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" "Loverly loverly loverly" "Oh wouldn't it be loverly?" "Loverly loverly loverly" "Wouldn't it be loverly?" "Come on, Alfie, let's go home now." "This place is giving me the willies." "Home?" "What do you want to go home for?" "Only five o'clock;" "My daughter Eliza will be along soon." "She ought to be good for half a crown" "For her father what loves her." "Loves her?" "That's a laugh." "You ain't been near her for months." "What's that got to do with it?" "What's half a crown after all" "I've give up." "When did you ever give her anything?" "Anything?" "I give her everything." "I give her the greatest gift" "Any human being can give to another life." "I introduced her to this here planet," "I did, with all its wonders and marvels:" "The suns that shines, the moon that glows," "Hyde Park to walk through on a fine spring night." "The whole of London city to roam around" "In selling her blooming' flowers." "I give her all that." "Then I disappears and leave her on her own to enjoy it." "Now if that ain't worth half a crown now and again," "I'll take my belt off and her a whoop for it." "You got a good heart, Alfie," "But if you want that half a crown out of Eliza," "You'd better have a good story to go with it." "Leave that to me, my boy." "Good morning, George." "Not a brass farthing." "Good morning, dear Algenon." "No brass farthing." "There she is." "Why, Eliza, what a surprise!" "Hop along, Charlie, you're too old for me." "That's not your daughter, Alfred." "How are you going to find her" "If you don't know what she looks like?" "I know her, I know her." "Come on, I'll find her." "Eliza, what a surprise." "Not a brass farthing." "I hear you, come here, Eliza." "I'm not going to take me hard earned wages" "And let you pass them on to a bloody pubkeeper." "Eliza, you wouldn't have the heart to send me home" "To your stepmother without a drop of liquid protection," "Now would ya?" "Stepmother, indeed!" "Well, I'm willing to marry her." "It's me that suffers by it;" "I'm a slave to that woman, Eliza." "Just because I ain't her lawful husband." "Oh come on, slip your old dad just half a crown to go home on." "Well I had a bit of luck myself last night." "Yeah?" "So here." "But don't keep coming around counting on half crowns from me." "Thank you, Eliza." "You're a noble daughter." "Beer, beer, glorious beer." "Fill yourself right up." "You see this creature with her curbstone English, the English that will keep her in the gutter 'til the end of her days." "Well, sir, in six months I could pass her off" "As a duchess at an embassy ball." "I could even get her a job as a lady's maid" "Or a shop assistant which requires better English." "You disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns..." "I could even get her a job as a lady's maid or a shop assistant" "Which requires better English." "Aaaay Yuuuu Aaaay" "Now, how many vowel sounds do you think you've heard altogether?" "I believe I counted 24." "Wrong by a 100." "What?" "To be exact, you heard 130." "Now, listen to them one at a time." "Must I?" "I'm really quite done up for one morning." "Your name, please." "Your name, Miss." "My name is of no concern to you whatsoever." "One moment, please." "London is getting so dirty these days." "I'm Mrs. Pearce, the housekeeper." "Can I help you?" "Oh good morning, missus." "I'd like to see the professor, please." "Could you tell me what it's about?" "It's business of a personal nature." "Oh, one moment please." "Mr. Higgins." "What is it, Mrs. Pearce?" "There's a young woman who wants to see you, sir." "Young woman?" "What does she want?" "She's quite a common girl, sir." "Very common indeed." "I should have sent her away only I thought perhaps" "You wanted her to talk into your machine." "Has she an interesting accent?" "Simply ghastly, Mr. Higgins." "Good!" "Let's have her in." "Show her in, Mrs. Pearce." "Very well, sir, it's for you to say." "This is rather a bit of luck." "I'll show you how I make records." "We'll set her talking and then I'll take her down first" "In Bell's Visible Speech, then in broad Romic." "Then we'll get her on the phonograph so that you can turn her on" "Whenever you want a written transcript before you." "This is the young woman, sir." "Good morning, my good man." "Might I have the pleasure of a word with you?" "Oh no, no, no, no." "This is the girl I jotted down last night." "She's no use." "I've got all the records" "I want of the Lissen Grove lingo." "I'm not going to waste another cylinder on that." "Be off with you." "I don't want you." "Don't be so saucy." "You ain't heard what I come for yet." "Did you tell him I come in a taxi?" "Nonsense, girl." "What do you think a gentleman like Mr. Higgins cares what you came in?" "Aw, we are proud." "Well he ain't above giving lessons, not him." "I heard him say so." "Well I ain't come here to ask for" "Any compliment and if my money is not good enough" "I can go elsewhere." "Good enough for what?" "Good enough for you." "Now you know, don't ya?" "I've come to have lessons, I am." "And to pay for them, too, make no mistake." "Well, and what do you expect me to say?" "Well if you was a gentleman you might ask me to sit down, I think." "Don't I tell you I'm bringing you business?" "Pickering, should we ask this baggage to sit down or should" "We just throw her out of the window?" "Aaahw!" "I won't be called a baggage" "Not when I've offered to pay like any lady." "What do you want, my dear?" "I want to be a lady in a flower shop" "Instead of sitting at the corner of Tottenham Court Road." "But they won't take me unless I can talk more genteel." "And he said he could teach me:" "well here I am." "Ready to pay:" "I'm not asking any favor" "And he treats me as if I was dirt." "I know what lessons cost as well as you do and I'm ready to pay." "How much?" "Now you're talking." "I thought you'd come off it" "When you saw a chance of getting back a bit" "Of what you chucked at me last night." "You'd had a drop in, hadn't you, eh?" "Sit down." "Oh, is he going to make a compliment of it?" "Sit down." "Sit down, girl." "Do as you're told." "Aoow." "What's your name?" "Eliza Doolittle." "Will you sit down, Miss Doolittle?" "Oh, I don't mind if I do." "How much do you propose to pay me for these lessons?" "Oh I know what's right." "A lady friend of mine gets French lessons" "For eighteen pence an hour from a real French gentleman." "Well you wouldn't have the face to ask me the same for" "Teaching me my own language as you would for French" "So I won't give more than a shilling." "Take it or leave it." "You know, Pickering, if you think of a shilling not as a simple shilling but as a percentage" "Of this girl's income," "It works out as fully equivalent of 60 or 70 pounds" "From A millionare." "By George, it's enormous, it's the biggest offer" "I've ever had." "Sixty pounds!" "What are you talking about?" "Where would I get sixty pounds?" "I never offered you sixty pounds." "Hold your tongue!" "But I ain't got sixty pounds." "Don't cry, you silly girl." "Sit down." "Nobody's going to touch your money." "Somebody's going to touch you with a broomstick" "If you don't stop sniveling." "Sit down!" "Aoow, anybody'd think you was my father!" "If I decide to teach you, I'll be worse than two fathers to you." "Here." "What's this for?" "To wipe your eyes." "To wipe any part of your face that feels moist." "And remember that's your handkerchief and that's your sleeve." "And don't confuse the one with the other" "If you want to become a lady in a shop." "It's no use to talk to her like that, Mr. Higgins." "She doesn't understand you." "Ere!" "Give the handkerchief to me." "He give it to me, not to you!" "Higgins, I'm interested." "What about your boast that you could pass her off" "As a duchess at the Embassy Ball, eh?" "I'll say you're the greatest teacher alive" "If you can made that good." "I'll bet you all the expenses of the experiment" "That you can't do it." "I'll even pay for the lessons." "Aow, you're real good." "Thank you, Captain." "It's almost irresistible." "She's so deliciously low." "So horribly dirty." "I ain't dirty!" "I washed my face an' hands before I come, I did." "I'll take it." "I'll make a duchess" "Of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe." "We'll start today." "Now." "This moment." "Take her away, Mrs. Pearce, and clean her." "Sandpaper, if it won't come off any other way." "Is there a good fire in the Kitchen?" "Yes." "Take all her clothes off and burn them" "And ring up and order some new ones." "Just wrap her in brown paper till they come." "You're no gentleman, you're not, to talk o' such things." "I'm a good girl, I am." "And I know what the likes of you are, I do." "We want none of your slum prudery here, young woman." "You've got to learn to behave like a duchess." "Now take'er away Mrs. Pearce," "An'if she gives you any trouble wallop'er." "I'll call the police, I will." "I've got no place to put her." "Well, put her in the dustbin." "Come, Higgins, be reasonable." "You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins, really you must." "You can't walk over everybody like this." "I?" "Walk over everybody?" "My dear Mrs. Pearce." "My dear Pickering." "I had no intention of walking over anybody." "I merely suggested we should be kind to this poor girl." "I didn't express myself clearly" "Because I didn't wish to hurt her delicacy or yours." "But, sir, you can't take a girl up like that," "As if you were picking up a pebble on the beach." "Why not?" "Why not?" "But you don't know anything about her." "What about her parents?" "She may be married." "Garn!" "There." "As the girl very properly says, garn!" "Who'd marry me?" "By George, Eliza, the streets will be" "Strewn with the bodies of men shooting themseles for your sake before I've done with you." "'Ere, I'm goin"." "He's off his chump, he is." "I don't want no balmies teaching'me." "Oh, mad am I?" "All right, Mrs. Pearce," "Don't ring up and order those new clothes." "Throw her out." "Stop, Mr. Higgins!" "I won't allow it." "Go home to your parents, girl." "I ain't got no parents." "There you are." "She ain't got no parents." "What's all the fuss about?" "Nobody wants her." "She's no use to anybody but me." "So take her upstairs!" "But what's to become of her?" "Is she to be paid anything?" "Oh, do be sensible, sir." "What would she do with money?" "She'll have her food and her clothes." "She'll only drink if you give her money." "Aoow, you are a brute!" "It's a lie!" "Nobody ever saw the sign o' liquor on me." "Oh, sir, you're gentleman." "Don't let him speak to me like that." "Does it occur to you, Higgins, the girl has some feelings?" "Oh, no, I don't think so." "No feelings we need worry about." "Well, have you, Eliza?" "I got me feelings same as anyone else." "Mr. Higgins, I must know on what terms the girl is to be here." "What's to become of her when you're finished your teaching?" "You must look ahead a little, sir" "What's to become of her if we leave her in the gutter?" "Answer me that, Mrs Pearce." "That's her own business, not yours, Mr. Higgins." "Well, when I'm done with her we'll throw her back in the gutter" "And then it will be her own business again." "That'll be all right, won't it?" "You've no feelin' heart in yuh!" "You don't care for nothing but yourself." "Oh, I've had enough of this." "I'm going, I am!" "You ought to be ashamed of yourself you ought." "Have some chocolates, Eliza." "How do I know what might be in 'em?" "I've heard of girls being drugged by the likes o'you." "Pledge of good faith." "I'll take one half." "And you take the other." "You'll have boxes of them, barrels of them every day." "You'll live on them eh?" "I wouldn't eat it only I'm too ladylike to take it out o'me mouth." "Think of it, Eliza." "Think of chocolates, and taxis and gold and diamonds." "Aoow!" "I don't want no gold and no diamonds." "I'm a good girl, I am." "Higgins, I really must interfere." "Mrs. Pearce is quite right." "If this girl's gonna put herself in your hands for six months" "For an experiment in teaching," "She must understand thoroughly what she's doing." "Eliza, you are to stay here for the next six months learning how to speak beautifully like a lady in a florist shop." "If you're good and do whatever you're told," "You shall sleep in a proper bedroom." "...have lots to eat and money to buy chocolates," "And take rides in taxis." "But if you are naughty and idle you shall sleep" "In the back kitchen amongst the black beetles and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick." "At the end of six months you shall be" "Taken to Buckingham Palace..." "in a carriage, beautifully dressed." "If the king finds out that you are not a lady the police will take you to the Tower of London" "Where your head will be cut off as a warning" "To other presumptious flower girls." "But if you are not found out you shall have a present of..." "Seven and six to start life with a lady in a shop." "If you refuse this offer you will be the most ungrateful," "Wicked girl... and the angels will weep for you!" "Now are you satisfied, Pickering?" "I don't understand what in the world you are talking about." "Oh, could I put it more plainly or fairly, Mrs. Pearce." "Come with me, Eliza." "That's right, Mrs. Pearce." "Bundle her off to the bathroom." "You're a great bully, you are!" "I won't stay here if I don't like it." "I won't let nobody wallop me!" "Don't answer back, girl." "I didn't know what I was getting myself in" "Or I wouldn't have come here." "I've always been a good girl, I am." "And I won't be bullied." "In six months - in three if she has a good ear and a quick tongue" "I'll take her anywhere and I'll pass her off as anything." "I'll make a queen of that barbarous wretch!" "I've never had a bath in me life." "Not what you'd call a proper one." "You know you can't be a nice girl inside if you're dirty outside." "I'll have to put you in here." "This will be your bedroom." "Oh, I couldn't sleep in here, missus." "It's too good for the likes o'me." "Oh, I should be afraid to touch anything." "I ain't a duchess yet, you know." "Oh what's this?" "This where you wash clothes?" "This is where we wash ourselves, Eliza." "And where I'm going to wash you." "You expect me to get into that and wet meself all over?" "Not me!" "I shall catch me death." "Come along now." "Come along." "Take your clothes off." "Come on, girl, do as you're told." "Take your clothes off." "Here, come on, help me take these..." "Aoow!" "No I won't!" "Higgins, forgive the bluntness, but if I'm to be in this business" "I shall feel responsible for the girl." "I hope it's clearly understood that" "No advantage is to be taken of her position." "What, that thing?" "Sacred, I assure you." "Come now, Higgins, you know what I mean." "This is no trifling matter." "Are you a man of good character where women are concerned?" "Have you ever met a man of good character" "Where women are concerned?" "Yes, very frequently." "Well, I haven't." "I find that the moment" "I let a woman make friends with me" "She becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious and a damn nuisance." "And I find the moment that I make friends with" "A woman I become selfish and tyrannical." "So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor and likely to remain so." "Well after all, Pickering..." "I'm an ordinary man" "Who desires nothing more" "Than just an ordinary chance" "To live exactly as he likes" "And do precisely what he wants" "An average man am I" "Of no eccentric whim" "Who likes to live his life" "Free of strife doing whatever he thinks is best for him" "Oh, just an ordinary man" "But let a woman in your life" "And your serenity is through" "She'll redecorate your home from the cellar to the dome" "Then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you" "Let a woman in your life" "And you are up against a wall" "Make a plan and you will find" "She has something else in mind" "And so rather than do either" "You do something else that neither likes at'all" "You want to talk of Keats or Milton" "She only wants to talk of love" "You go to see a play or ballet" "And spend it searching for her glove" "Let a woman in your life" "And you invite eternal strife" "Let them buy their wedding bands" "For those anxious little hands" "I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling" "Than to ever let a woman in my life" "I'm a very gentle man" "Even tempered and good natured" "Who you never hear complain" "Who has the milk of human kindness" "By the quart in ev'vy vein" "A patient man am I down to my fingertips" "The sort who never could ever would" "Let an insulting remark escape his lips" "A very gentle man" "But let a woman in your life" "And patience hasn't got a chance" "She will beg you for advice." "Your reply will be concise" "And she'll listen very nicely" "Then go out and do precisely what she wants" "You were a man of grace and polish" "Who never spoke above a hush" "Now all at once you're using language" "That would make a sailor blush" "Let a woman in your life" "And yor're plunging in a knife" "Let the others of my sex" "Tie the knot around their necks" "I'd prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition" "Than to ever let a woman in my life" "I'm a quiet living man" "Who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room" "Who likes an atmosphere as restful as an undiscoverd tomb" "A pensive man am I of philosophic joys" "Who likes to meditate, contemplate" "Free from humanity's mad, inhuman noise" "A quiet living man" "But let a woman in your life" "And your sabbatical is through" "In a line that never ends" "Come an army of her friends" "Come to jabber and to chatter" "And to tell her what the matter is with you" "She'll have a booming, boist'rous family" "Who will descent on you enmasse" "She'll have a large Wagnerian mother" "With a voice that shatters glass" "Let a woman in your life" "Let a woman in your life" "I shall never let a woman in my life" "Get out of here." "Jamie, you get out, too!" "Come on, Doolittle." "And remember," "Drinks is to be paid for or not drunk." "Thanks for your hospitality, George." "Send the bill to Buckingham Palace." "Well, Alfie, there's nothing else to do I guess but back to work." "Work!" "Don't you dare mention that word in my presence again." "Look at all these poor blighters down here." "I used to do that sort of thing once." "Just for exercise." "It's not worth it." "Takes up your whole day." "Aw, don't worry, boys, we'll get outta this somehow." "How do you think you're going to do that, Alfie?" "Same as always." "Faith, hope and a little bit o'luck." "The Lord above gave man an arm of iron" "So he could do his job and never shirk" "The Lord above gave man an arm of iron but" "With a little bit o luck With a little bit o'luck" "Someone else'll do the blinking' work" "With a little bit" "With a little bit" "With a little bit o'luck" "You'll never work" "The Lord above made liquor for temptation" "To see if man could turn away from sin" "The Lord above made liquor for temptation." "But..." "With a little bit o'luck." "With a little bit o'luck" "When temptation comes you'll give right in" "With a little bit" "With a little bit" "With a little bit o'luck you'll give right in" "Oh, you can walk the straight and narrow" "But with my little bit luck you'll run amuck" "The gentle sex was made for man to marry" "To share his nest and see his food is cooked" "The gentle sex was made for man to marry, but" "With a little bit o'luck." "With a little bit o'luck" "You can have it all and not get hooked" "With a little bit" "With a little bit" "With a little bit o'luck." "You won't get hooked" "With a little bit" "With a little bit" "With a little bit o'bloomin luck" "They're always throwing goodness at you" "But with a little bit o'luck a man can duck" "The Lord above made man to belp his neighbor" "No matter where, on land, or sea, or foam" "The Lord above made man to help his neighbor, but" "With a little bit o'luck." "With a little bit o'luck" "When he come around you won't be home" "With a little bit With a little bit" "With a little bit of luck you won't be home" "With a little bit With a little bit" "With a little bit of blooming' luck" "You'd made a good suffragette, Alfie." "Why, there's the lucky man now." "The honorable Alfie Doolittle." "What are you doing in Eliza's house?" "Her former residence." "Hah!" "You can buy your own drinks now, Alfie" "Doolittle." "Fallen into a tub of butter, you have." "What are you talking about?" "Your daughter Eliza." "Ah, you're a lucky man, Alfie Doolittle." "Well, what about Eliza?" "He don't know." "Her own father an' he don't know." "Moved in with a swell, Eliza has." "Left here in a taxi all by herself, smart as paint." "And ain't been home for three days." "Go on." "And this mornin'I gets a message from 'er." "She wants her things sent over." "To twenty-seven A Wimpole Street, care of Professor Higgins." "And what things does she want?" "Her birdcage and her Chinese fan." "But she says..." ""Never mind about sending any clothes."" "I knew she had a career in front of her." "Laddie boys, we're in for a booze-up." "The sun is shining on Alfred P. Doolittle." "A man was made to help support his children" "Which is the right and proper thing to do" "A man was made to help support his children, but" "With a little bit o'luck With a little bit o'luck" "They'll go out and start supporting you" "With a little bit With a little bit" "With a little bit of luck they'll work for you" "With a little bit With a little bit" "With a little bit of blooming' luck" "Oh, it's a crime for a man to go philandering" "And fill his wife's poor heart with grief and doubt" "Oh, it's a crime for man to go philandering but" "With a little bit o'luck With a little bit o'luck" "You can see the bloodhounds don't find out" "With a little bit With a little bit" "With a little bit of luck she won't find out" "With a little bit With a little bit" "With a little bit of blooming' luck" "With a little bit of blooming' luck" "The mail, sir." "Pay the bills and say no to the invitations." "Mr. Higgins, you simply cannot go on working the girl this way." "Making her say her alphabet over and over." "From sun-up to sundown, even during meals." "You'll exhaust yourself." "When will it stop?" "When she does it properly, of course." "Is that all, Mrs. Pearce?" "There's another letter from that American millionaire," "Ezra D. Wallingford." "He still wants you to lecture for his Moral Reform league." "Yes, well throw it away." "Oh, it's the third letter he's written you, sir." "You should at least answer it." "All right, leave it on the desk, Mrs. Pearce." "I'll try and get to it." "If you please, sir, there's a dustman downstairs," "Alfred P. Doolittle..." "...who wants to see you." "He says you have his daughter here." "Phew!" "I say!" "Well, send the blackguard up." "He may not be a blackguard, Higgins." "Oh, nonsense." "Of course he's a blackguard, Pickering." "Whether he is or not, I'm afraid we'll have some trouble with him." "No, I think not." "Any trouble to be had, he'll have it with me." "Not I with him." "Doolittle, sir." "Professor Higgins..." "Here!" "Where?" "Oh, good morning, Governor." "I come about a very serious matter, Governor." "Brought up in Houndslow." "Mother Welsh, I should think." "What is it you want, Doolittle?" "I want my daughter, that's what I want." "See?" "Well, of course you do." "You're her father, aren't you?" "I'm glad to see you have a spark of family feeling left." "She's in there." "Yes, take her away at once." "What?" "Take her away." "Do you think I'm going to" "Keep your daughter for you?" "Aw, now is this reasonable, Governor?" "Is it fairity to take advantage of a man like that?" "The girl belongs to me." "You got 'er." "Where do I come in?" "How dare you come here and attempt to blackmail me!" "You sent her here on purpose!" "Ah, don't take a man up like that, Governor." "Oh, the police shall take you up." "This is a plant," "A plot to extort money by threats." "I shall telephone the police." "Have I asked you for a brass farthing?" "I leave it to this gentlemean 'ere." "Have I said a word about money?" "Well, what else did you come for?" "What would a bloke come for?" "Be 'uman, Governor." "Alfred, you sent her here on purpose." "So help me, Governor, I never did." "Then how did you know she was here?" "I'd tell you, Governor, if you'd only let me get a word in." "I'm willing to tell yuh." "I'm wanting to tell yuh." "I'm waiting to tell yuh." "You know, Pickering," "This chap's got a certain natural gift of rhetoric." "Observe the rhythm of his native woodnotes wild." ""I'm willing to tell you." "I'm wanting to tell you." "I'm waiting to tell you."" "That's the Welsh strain in him." "How did you know Eliza was here if you didn't send her?" "Well, she sent back for her luggage and I got to 'ear about it." "She said she didn't want no clothes." "What was I to think from that, Governor?" "I ask you, as a parent, what was I to think?" "So you came here to rescue her from worse than death, eh?" "Just so, Governor, that's right." "Yes." "Mrs. Pearce!" "Mrs. Pearce," "Eliza's father has come to take her away." "Give her to him, will you." "Now wait a minute, Governor, wait a minute." "You and me is men o' the world, ain't we?" "Oh, men of the world, are we?" "Yes, you'd better go, Mrs. Pearce." "I think so indeed, sir!" "Here, Governor, I've took a sort of fancy to you." "And if you want the girl, well, I ain't so set on 'avin 'er back" "Home again but what I might be open to is an arrangement." "All I ask is my rights as a father." "You are the last man alive to expect me to let her go for nothing." "Oh, I can see you're, you're one o' the straight sort, Governor." "So what's a five pound note to you?" "An' what's Eliza to me?" "I think you ought to know, Doolittle," "That Mr. Higgins' intentions are entirely honorable." "Of course they are, Governor." "If I thought they wasn't I'd ask fifty." "Do you mean to say you'd sell your daughter for fifty pounds?" "Have you no morals, man?" "No, I can't afford 'em, Governor." "Neither could you if you was as poor as me." "Not that I mean any 'arm, mind yuh, but if Eliza is gonna have a bit out o' this, why not me, too, eh?" "Why not?" "Well, look look at it my way." "What am I?" "I ask yuh, what am I?" "I'm one o' the undeserving poor, that's what I am." "Now think what that means to a man." "It means he's up against middle-class morality for all the time." "If there's anything going an' I puts in for a bit of it," "It's always the same story." ""You're undeserving, so you can't have it."" "But my needs is as great as the most deserving widow" "As ever got money..." "Out of six different charities in one week" "For the death of the same husband." "Heh." "I don't need less than a deserving man, I need more." "I'm playin' straight with you." "I ain't pretending' to be deserving." "No, I'm undeserving" "And I mean to go on bein' undeserving." "I like it an' that's the truth." "But will you take advantage of a man's nature" "To do him out of the price of his own daughter" "What he's brought up, fed and clothed by the sweat of his brow" "'Til she's growed big enough" "To be interesting to you two gentlemen?" "Well, is five pounds unreasonable, I put it to you?" "And I leave it to you." "You know, Pickering, if we took that man in hand for three months" "He could choose between a seat in the cabinet" "And a popular pulpit in Wales." "I'd better give him a fiver." "He'll make bad use of it, I'm afraid." "Oh, not me, Governor, so 'elp me I won't." "Just one good spree for myself an' the missus," "Givin' pleasure to ourselves and employment to others." "An' satisfaction to you to know it ain't been throwed away." "You couldn't spend it better." "Oh, this is irresistible." "Let's give him ten." "No!" "The missus wouldn't have the heart to spend ten, Governor." "Ten pounds is a lot o' money." "Makes a man feel prudent-like, and then goodbye to happiness." "No, you just give me what I ask, Governor." "Not a penny less, not a penny more." "I rather draw the line at encouraging this sort" "Of immorality, Doolittle." "Why don't you marry that missus of yours, eh?" "After all, marriage isn't so frightning." "You married Eliza's mother." "Who told you that, Governor?" "Well, nobody told me." "I concluded, naturally." "If we listen to this man for another minute" "We shall have no convictions left." "Five pounds I think you said." "Thank yuh, Governor, thank yuh." "Are you sure you won't have ten?" "No." "Naw, perhaps another time." "I won't, I won't, I won't..." "I beg your pardon, miss." "I won't say those ruddy vowels one more time." "Blimey, it's Eliza!" "Well, I never thought she'd clean up so good-looking." "She does me credit, doesn't she, Governor?" "Here!" "What are you doin' here?" "Now, now, you hold your tongue and don't you give these gentlemen" "None o'your lip." "If you have any trouble with 'er, Governor," "Give 'er a few licks o' the strap." "That's the way to improve her mind." "Heh." "Well, good morning, gentlemen." "Cheerio, Eliza." "There's a man for you, a philosophical genius of the first water." "Mrs. Pearce, write to Mr. Ezra Wallingford" "And tell him if he wants a lecturer to get" "In touch with Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle," "A common dustman, one o' the most original moralists in England." "Yes, sir." "'Ere, what did he come for?" "Say your vowels." "I know me vowels." "I knew 'em before I come." "Well, if you know them, say them." "Ahyee, E, lyee, Ow, Eeyoo!" "Stop!" "A, E, I, O, U." "That's what I said." "Ahyee, E, lyee, Ow, Eeyoo." "That's what I been sayin' for three days" "An' I won't say 'em no more." "I know it's difficult, Miss Doolittle, but try to understand." "There's no use explaining, Pickering." "As a military man" "You ought to know that." "Drilling is what she needs." "Now you leave her alone or she'll be" "Turning to you for sympathy." "Very well, if you insist," "But have a little patience with her, Higgins." "Of course." "Say "A"!" "You ain't got no 'eart, you ain't." "A!" "Ahyee!" "Eliza, I promise you you'll say your vowels correctly" "Before this day is out or there'll be no lunch, no dinner," "And no chocolates." "Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins, just you wait." "You'll be sorry, but your tears will be too late." "You'll be broke." "And I'll have money." "Will I help you?" "Don't be funny." "Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins, just you wait." "Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins, 'til you're sick." "And you screams to fetch a doctor double-quick." "I'll be off a second later and go straight to the theatre." "Ho ho ho, 'Enry 'lggins, just you wait!" "Oh, 'Enry 'lggins!" "Just you wait until we're swimmin' in the sea." "Ooh, 'Enry 'lggins!" "And you get a cramp a little way from me." "When you yell you're gonna drown I'll get dressd and go to town." "Ho ho ho, 'Enry 'lggins, ho ho ho, 'Enry 'lggins." "Just you wait!" "One day I'll be famous I'll be proper and prim." "Go to St. James so often I will call it St. Jim." "One evening the King will say 'Oh, Liza, old thing'.'" "'I want all of England your praises to sing'." ""Next week on the twentieth of May."" ""I proclaim Liza Doolittle Day."" ""All the people will celebrate the glory of you."" ""And whatever you wish and want I gladly will do."" ""Thanks a lot, King", says I in a manner well-bred." ""But all I want is 'Enry 'lggins 'ead"." ""Done!" Says the King with a stroke." ""Guard, run and bring in the bloke."" "Then they'll march you, 'Enry 'lggins to the wall." "And the King will tell me." "Liza, sound the call"." "As they raise their rifles higher," "I'll shout, "Ready, aim, fire!"" "Ho ho ho, 'Enry 'lggins." "Then you'll go, 'Enry 'lggins!" "Just you wait!" "A." "Ahyee" "Ahyee." "Alright, Eliza, say it again." "The rine in Spine stais minely in the pline." "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "Didn't I say that?" "No, Eliza, you didn't say that." "You didn't ever say that." "Every night before you get into bed, where you used to say" "Your prayers, I want you to say," ""The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." Fifty times." "You'll get much further with the Lord" "If you learn not to offend His ears." "Now for your h's." "Pickering, this is going to be ghastly." "Control yourself, Higgins." "Give the girl a chance." "Well I suppose you can't expect her" "To get it right the first time." "Come here, Eliza, and watch closely." "Now you see that flame?" "Every time you pronounce the letter H" "Correctly the flame will waver." "And every time you drop your H" "The flame will remain stationary." "That's how you'll know if you've done it correctly." "In time your ear will hear the difference." "You will see it best in the mirror." "Now listen carefully." "In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire" "Hurricanes hardly ever happen." "Now you repeat that after me." "In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire hurricanes hardly ever happen." "In 'Ertford, 'Ereford, and "Ampshire" "'Urricanes 'ardly ever 'appen." "Oh, no, no, no!" "Have you no ear at all?" "Should I do it over?" "No, please." "Start from the very beginning." "Just do this." "Go, ha, ha, ha, ha." "Ha, ha, ha, ha." "Go on, go on, go on." "Ha, ha, ha, ha." "Does the same thing hold true in India, Pickering?" "Have they the peculiar habit of not only dropping a letter" "Like the letter H but using it where it doesn't belong." "Like hever instead of ever?" "Or the Slavs when they learn English have a tendency" "To do it with their g's." "They say "linner" instead of "linger"" "And then they turn right around" "And say "hussinger" instead of "singer"." "Why does the Slav in using it where it isn't needed" "While learning English have to do it with their g's?" "The girl, Higgins!" "Go on, go on, go on." "Poor Professor Higgins" "Poor Professor Higgins" "Night and day he slaves away" "Oh, poor Professor Higgins" "All day long on his feet" "Up and down until he's numb" "Doesn't rest." "Doesn't eat" "Doesn't touch a crumb" "Again Liza." "How kind of you to let me come." "How kind of you to let me come." "No." "Kind of you." "Kind of you." "Kind." "How kind of you to let me come." "How kind of you to let me come." "No, no, no, kind of you, kind of you." "It's like cup of tea." "Kind of you." "Cup of tea." "Say it, say cup of tea." "Cuppatea." "No, no." "A cup of tea." "It's awfully good cake." "I wonder where Mrs. Pearce gets it." "First rate:" "And those strawberry tarts are delicious." "Did you try the pline cake?" "Try it again." "Did you try the..." "Pickering!" "Again, Eliza." "Cuppatea." "Oh, no, can't you tell the difference?" "Look, put your tongue forward until it squeezes on the top" "Of your lower teeth." "And then say cup." "Cup." "Then say of." "Of." "Then say cup cup cup cup of of of of..." "Cup cup cup cup of of of of..." "By Jove, Higgins, that was a glorious tea." "Why don't you finish that last strawberry tart?" "I couldn't eat another thing." "Oh, I couldn't touch it." "Then you'll waste it." "Oh, it won't be wasted." "I know somebody who's immensely fond of strawberry tarts." "Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep." "Poor Professor Higgins" "Poor Professor Higgins" "On he plods against all odds" "Poor Professor Higgins" "Nine p.m., ten p.m." "On through midnight every night" "One a.m., two a.m., three" "Four, five, six marbles." "Now I want you to read this and I want you to enunciate" "Every word just as if the marbles were not in your mouth." ""With blackest moss, the flower pots."" ""Were thickly crusted, one and all."" "Each word, clear as a bell." "With blackest moss the flower pots." "I can't'!" "I can't!" "I say, Higgins, are those pebbles really necessary?" "If they were necessary for Demonsthenes they are necessary" "For Eliza Doolittle." "Go on, Eliza." "Were thickly crusted one and all." "I can't understand a word, not a word." "With blackest moss, the flower pots." "Were thickly crusted, one and all." "Higgins, Perhaps the poem is a little too difficult for the girl." "Why don't you try something simpler like" ""The Owl and the Pussycat." "Oh, yes, that's a charming one." "Pickering, I can't hear a word the girl is saying!" "What's the matter?" "I swallowed one." "Oh, it doesn't matter." "I've got plenty more." "Open your mouth." "One, two..." "Quit, Professor Higgins" "Quit, Professor Higgins" "Hear our plea or payday we will quit" "Professor Higgins!" "Ay not I O not ow" "Pounding, Pounding in our brain" "Ay not I O not ow" "Don't say rine say rain" "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "I can't!" "I'm so tired!" "I'm so tired!" "For God's sake, Higgins, it must be three o'clock in the morning." "Do be reasonable." "I am always reasonable." "Eliza, if I can go on with a blistering headache, you can." "I got a 'eadache, too." "Oh, here." "I know your head aches." "I know you're tired." "I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher's window." "But think what you're trying to accomplish." "Just think what you're dealing with." "The majesty and grandeur of the English language." "It's the greatest possession we have." "The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men" "Are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative" "And musical mixtures of sounds." "And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer, Eliza." "And conquer it you will." "Now try it again." "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "What was that?" "The rain Spain stays mainlyl in the plain." "Again." "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "I think she's got it." "I think she's got it." "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "By George, she's got it." "By George, she's got it." "Now once again where does it rain?" "On the plain, on the plain." "And where's that soggy plain?" "In Spain, in Spain." "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "Bravo!" "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire" "Hurricanes hardly happen." "How kind of you to let me come" "Now once again, where does it rain?" "On the plain, on the plain." "And where's that blasted plain?" "In Spain, in Spain." "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "Pickering, Pickering." "Olay, olay!" "We're making fine progress, Pickering." "I think the time has come" "To try her out." "Are you feeling all right, Mr. Higgins?" "Yes, I'm feeling fine, Mrs. Pearce." "How are you?" "I'm also well, thank you." "Oh, good." "Let's test her in public and see how she fares." "Mr. Higgins, I was awakened by a dreadful pounding." "Do you know what it might have been?" "Pounding?" "I didn't hear any pounding." "Did you, Pickering?" "No." "Well, if this goes on, Mrs. Pearce, you'd better see a doctor." "I know." "We'll take her to the races." "The races?" "My mother's box at Ascot." "You'll consult your mother first, of course?" "Oh, yes, of course." "No, I think best we'd better surprise her." "Let's go to bed." "First thing in the morning we'll go out and we'll buy her a dress." "Now get on with your work, Eliza." "But Mr. Higgins, it's early in the morning." "What better time to work than early in the morning?" "Where does one buy a lady's gown?" "Whitfly's, of course." "How do you know that?" "Common knowledge." "Let's not buy her anything too flowery." "I despise those gowns with sort of weeds here and weeds there." "We'll buy something sort of simple and modest and elegant." "That's what's called for." "Perhaps with a bow." "Yes, I think that's just right." "You've all been working much too hard." "I think the strain is beginning" "To show." "Eliza, I don't care what Mr. Higgins says," "You must put down your books and go to bed." "Bed!" "Bed!" "I couldn't go to bed" "My head's too light to try to set it down" "Sleep!" "Sleep!" "I couldn't sleep tonight" "Not for all the jewels in the crown!" "I could have danced all night" "I could have danced all night" "And still have begged for more" "I could have spread my wings" "And done a thousand things" "I've never done before" "I'll never know what made it so exciting" "Why all at once my heart took flight" "I only know when he" "Began to dance with me" "I could have danced, danced, danced" "All night!" "It's after three now" "Don't you agree now?" "She ought to be in bed!" "I could have danced all night" "I could have danced all night" "And still have begged for more" "I could have spread my wings" "And done a thousand things" "I've never done before" "I'll never know what made it so exciting" "Why all at once my heart took flight" "I only know when he" "Began to dance with me" "I could have danced, danced, danced" "All night!" "I understand, dear." "It's all been grand, dear." "But now it's time to sleep." "I could have danced all night" "I could have danced all night" "And still have begged for more" "I could have spread my wings" "And done a thousand things" "I've never done before" "I'll never know what made it so exciting" "Why all at once my heart took flight" "I only know when he" "Began to dance with me" "I could have danced, danced, danced" "All night!" "Every duke and earl and peer is here." "Every one who should be here is here." "What a smashing, positively dashing" "Spectacle, the Ascot opening day." "At the gate are all the horses" "Waiting for the cue to fly away." "What a gripping, absolutely ripping" "Moment at the Ascot opening day." "Pulses" "Rushing" "Faces" "Flushing" "Heartbeats" "Speed up" "I have never been so keyed up!" "Any second now they'll begin to run." "Hark!" "A bell is ringing they are springing forward, look!" "It has begun." "What a frenzied moment that was." "Didn't they maintain an exhausting pace?" "it was a thrilling, absolutely chilling." "Running of the Ascot opening race!" "Mother!" "Henry!" "What a disagreeable surprise." "Hello, Mother." "How nice you look." "What are you doing here?" "You promised never to come to Ascot." "Go home at once" "I can't, Mother." "I'm here on business." "You offend all my friends." "The moment they meet you I never see them again." "Besides, you aren't ever dressed for Ascot." "I changed my shirt." "Now listen, Mother, I've got a job for you." "A phonetics job." "I've picked up a girl." "Henry!" "Oh, no, not a love affair." "She's a flower girl." "I'm taking her to the annual Embassy Ball and I want you" "To try her out first." "I beg your pardon." "Well, you know the Embassy Ball." "Of course, I know the Ball but..." "So I invited her to your box today, do you understand?" "Common flower girl?" "Oh, she'll be all right." "I taught her how to speak properly." "She has strict instructions as to her behavior." "She's to keep to two subjects The weather and everybody's health." ""Fine day" and "how do you do"." "And not to let herself go on things in general." "Help her along, darling, you'll be quite safe." "Safe?" "To talk about one's health in the middle of a race?" "Well, she's got to talk about something." "Where is the girl now?" "She's being pinned." "Some of the clothes" "We bought her didn't quite fit." "I told Pickering we should have taken her with us." "Ah, Mrs. Eynsford-Hill." "Good afternoon, Mrs. Higgins." "You know my son Henry." "How do you do?" "I've seen you somewhere before." "I don't know..." "Oh, it doesn't matter." "You better sit down." "Lady Boxington." "Where the devil can they be?" "Lord Boxington." "Colonel Pickering, you're just in time for tea." "Thank you, Mrs. Higgins." "May I introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle?" "My dear Miss Doolittle." "How kind of you to let me come." "Delighted, my dear." "Lady Boxington." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Lord Boxington." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Mrs. Eynsford-Hill, Miss Doolittle." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "And Freddy Eynsford-Hill." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Miss Doolittle." "Good afternoon, Professor." "Higgins." "The first race was very exciting, Miss Doolittle." "I'm so sorry that you missed it." "Will it rain, do you think?" "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain." "But in Hertford, Heresford and Hampshire" "Hurricanes hardly ever happen." "How awfully funny." "What is wrong with that, young man?" "I bet I got it right." "Smashing!" "Has it suddenly turned chilly?" "Oh, I do hope we won't have any unseasonable cold spells." "They bring on so much influenza." "And the whole of our family is susceptible to it." "My aunt died of influenza, so they said." "But it's my belief they done the old woman in." "Done her in?" "Yes, Lord love you." "Why should she die of influenza" "When she come through diphtheria right enough the year before?" "Fairly blue with it she was." "They all thought she was dead." "But my father he kept ladling gin down her throat..." "Then she come to so sudden she bit the bowl off the spoon." "Dear me!" "Now what call would a woman with that strength in her" "Have to die of influenza?" "And what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me?" "Somebody pinched it." "And what I say is, "Them as pinched it, done her in." "Done her in?" "Done her in, did you say?" "Whatever does it mean?" "Oh, that's the new small talk." "To do somebody in means to kill them." "But you surely don't believe you aunt was killed?" "Do I not?" "Them she lived with would have" "Killed her for a hatpin let alone a hat." "But it can't have been right for your father to pour spirits down" "Her throat like that." "It might have killed her." "Not her." "Gin was mother's milk to her." "Besides, he poured so much done his own throat" "He knew the good of it." "Do you mean that he drank?" "Drank?" "My word." "Something chronic." "Here, what are you sniggering at?" "It's the new small talk." "You do it so awfully well." "Well, if I was doing it proper, what was you sniggering at?" "Have I said anything I oughtn't?" "Not at all, my dear." "Well, that's a mercy, anyhow." "I don't whether there's enough time before the next race" "To place a bet but come, my dear." "I don't suppose so." "I have a bet on number seven." "I should be so happy if you would take it." "You'll enjoy the race ever so much more." "That's very kind of you." "His name is Dover." "Come along, my dear, come along." "There they are again lining up to run." "Now they're holding steady they are ready for it" "Look, it has begun." "Come on, Dover!" "Come on, Dover!" "Come on, Dover!" "Come on, Dover!" "Move your bloomin' arse!" "You're not serious, Henry." "You don't expect to take her to the Embassy Ball?" "Don't you think she's ready for it?" "Dear Henry, she's ready for a canal barge." "Well, her language may need a little refining, but..." "Oh, really, Henry, if you cannot see how impossible" "This whole project is" "Then you must be absolutely potter about her." "I advise you to give it up now and not put yourself" "Or this poor girl through anymore." "Give it up?" "Why, it's the most fascinating venture" "I've ever undertaken." "Pickering and I are at it from morning 'til night." "It fills our whole lives." "Teaching Eliza, talking to Eliza," "Listening to Eliza, dressing Eliza." "What?" "You're a pretty pair of babies playing with your live doll." "Ah, here's the car." "I say, sir..." "Good evening, sir." "Ah, is dinner ready?" "I'm famished." "Immediately, sir." "Good evening, Professor Higgins." "When she mentioned how her aunt bit off the spoon" "She completely done me in" "And my heart went on a journey to the moon" "When she told about her father and the gin" "And I never saw a more enchanting farce" "Than the moment when she shouted 'Move your bloomin'..." "Yes, sir?" "Is Miss Doolittle in?" "Whom shall I say is calling?" "Freddy Eynsford-Hill." "Oh." "If she," "If she doesn't remember who I am," "Tell her I'm the chap who was sniggering at her." "Yes, sir." "Oh, and will you give her these?" "Yes, sir." "Wouldn't you like to come in, sir?" "They're having dinner, but you may wait in the hall." "No, no, thank you." "I want to drink in the street where she lives." "I have often walked down this street before" "But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before" "All at once am I several stories high" "Knowing I'm on the street where you live" "Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?" "Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?" "Does enchantment pour out of every door?" "No, it's just on the street where you live" "And oh, the towering feeling" "Just to know somehow you are near" "The overpowering feeling" "That any second you may suddenly appear" "People stop and stare, they don't bother me" "For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be" "Let the time go by" "I won't care if I" "Can be here on the street where you live" "Oh, sir?" "I'm terribly sorry, sir." "Miss Doolittle says she doesn't want to see anyone ever again." "But why?" "She was unbelievable." "So I've been told, sir." "Is there any further message?" "Tell her that I'll wait." "Oh, but it might be days, sir, even weeks." "But don't you see?" "I'll be happier here." "People stop and stare they don't bother me" "For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be" "Let the time go by" "I won't care if I" "Can be here on the street where you live" "It really is, Higgins, it's inhuman to continue." "Do you realize what you've got to try and teach this poor girl" "In six weeks?" "You've got to teach her to walk, talk, address a duke," "A lord, a bishop, an ambassador." "It's absolutely impossible." "Higgins, I'm trying to tell you that I want to call off the bet." "I know you're a stubborn man but so am I." "This experiment is over." "And nothing short of an order from the king," "Could force me to recant." "If you'll excuse me." "You understand, Higgins, it's over." "Higgins, Higgins, if there's any mishap at the Embassy tonight." "If Miss Doolittle suffers any embarrassment whatsoever," "It'll be on your head alone." "Oh, Eliza can do anything." "Suppose she's discovered?" "Remember Ascot." "Supposing she makes another ghastly mistake?" "There'll be no horses at the ball, Pickering." "Think how agonizing it would be." "Oh, if anything happened tonight," "I don't know what I'd do." "Well you could always rejoin your regiment." "This is no time for flippancy, Higgins." "The way you've driven the girl the last six weeks has exceeded" "All bounds of common decency." "For God's sake, Higgins, stop pacing up and down." "Can't you settle somewhere?" "Have some port." "It'll quieten your nerves." "I'm not nervous." "Where is it?" "On the piano." "The car's here, sir." "Oh, good tell Miss Doolittle, will you?" "Yes, sir." "Tell Miss Doolittle indeed." "I'll bet you that dammed gown doesn't fit." "I warned you about these French designers." "We should have gone to a good English shop," "Where you know everyone" "Would have been on our side." "Have a glass of port?" "No, thank you." "Are you so sure this girl will retain everything you've" "Hammered into her?" "Well, we shall see." "Suppose she doesn't?" "I lose my bet." "Higgins, there's one thing I can't stand about you," "That's your confounded complacency." "At a moment like this, with so much at stake," "It's utterly indecent that you don't need a glass of port." "And what about the girl?" "You act as though she doesn't matter at all." "Oh, rubbish, Pickering." "Of course she matters." "What do you think I've been doing all these months?" "What could possibly matter more than to take a human being" "And change her into a different human being" "By creating a new speech for her?" "It's filling up the deepest gap that separates class from class" "And soul from soul." "Oh, she matters immensely." "Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful." "Thank you, Colonel Pickering." "Don't you think so Higgins?" "Not bad." "Not bad at all." "Maestro!" "Maestro!" "Don't you remember me?" "No." "Who the devil are you?" "I'm your pupil." "Your first, your greatest, your best pupil." "I'm Zoltan Karpathy that marvelous boy." "I made your name famous throughout Europe." "You teach me phonetics." "You cannot forget me." "Why don't you have your hair cut?" "Ah, I don't have your imposing appearance, your figure, your brow." "If I had my hair cut, nobody would notice me." "Where did you get all of those old coins?" "These are decorations for languages." "The Queen of Transylvania is here this evening." "I'm indispensable to her at these official international parties." "I speak thirty-two languages." "I know everyone in Europe." "No imposter can escape my detection." "Professor Karpathy." "The Greek ambassador." "Greek, my foot." "He pretends not to know any English, but he cannot deceive me." "He's the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker." "He speaks English so villainously that he cannot utter a word without betraying his origin." "I help him pretend, but I make him pay through the nose." "I make them all pay." "Excuse me, sir, you are wanted upstairs." "Her Excellency asked for you." "Oh, excuse me." "Viscount and Viscountess Saks." "Baron and Baroness of Yorkshire." "Sir Guy and Lady Scot Ackland." "The Count and Countess Demereau." "The Viscount and Viscountess Hillyard." "Mr. And Mrs. Richard Lanser." "Lord and Lady Clanders." "Miss Eliza Doolittle." "Colonel Pickering." "Miss Eliza Doolittle." "Colonel Pickering." "Professor Higgins." "Good evening, Miss Doolittle." "Your Excellency." "Miss Doolittle." "How do you do?" "Good evening Colonel." "Good evening." "Oh, Colonel." "What an enchanting lady" "You have with you this evening." "Thank you." "Who is she?" "Oh, a cousin of mine." "And Higgins." "Excuse me." "Professor Higgins." "Such a far away look as if" "She's always lived in, in a garden." "So she has." "A sort of garden." "Henry must take Eliza home at once." "There's a language expert here." "Sort of, you know, sort of an imposterologist." "I beg your pardon." "The young lady with Colonel Pickering:" "Find out who she is." "With pleasure." "The whole situation is highly explosive." "Tell me, Zoltan, some more about the Greek ambassador." "Gladly, Professor, but first I would love you" "T o present me to this glorious creature." "Does he really come from Yorkshire?" "Her Majesty, the Queen of Transylvania..." "And His Royal Highness Prince Gregor." "Charming, quite charming." "Miss Doolittle, Ma'am." "Miss Doolittle, my son would like to dance with you." "Eliza." "Absolutely fantastic." "A lot of tom foolery." "It was an immense achievement." "Well, Mr. Higgins?" "A triumph, Mrs. Pearce." "A total triumph." "Higgins, you were superb, absolutely superb." "Tell us the truth now." "Weren't you a little bit nervous once or twice?" "No, not for a second." "Not during the whole evening?" "No, not when I saw we were going to win hands down." "I felt like a bear in a cage hanging about with nothing to do." "It was an immense achievement." "If I hadn't backed myself to do it," "I'd have given it up two months ago." "Absolutely fantastic." "Yes, a lot of tom foolery." "Higgins, I salute you." "Oh, the silly people don't know their own silly business." "Tonight, old man, you did it, you did it." "You said that you would do it" "And indeed you did." "I thought that you would rue it." "I doubted you'd do it." "But now I must admit it that succeed you did." "You should get a medal or be even made a knight." "Oh, it was nothing, really nothing." "All alone you hurdled every obstacle in sight." "Now wait." "Now wait." "Give credit where it's due:" "A lot of the glory goes to you." "But you're the one who did it, who did it, who did it." "As sturdy as Gibraltar, not a second did you falter." "There's no doubt about it." "You did it." "I must have aged a year tonight." "At times I thought I'd die of fright." "Never was there a momentary lull." "Shortly after we came in" "I saw at once we'd easily win." "And after that I found it deadly dull." "You should have heard the oohs and aahs" "Everyone wondering who she was." "You'd think they'd never seen a lady before." "And when the Prince of Transylvania asked to meet her" "And gave his arm to lead her to the floor" "I said to him:" "You did it, you did it, you did it." "They thought she was ecstatic and so damned aristocratic." "And they never knew that you... did it" "Thank goodness for Zoltan Karpathy." "If it hadn't been for him, I would have died of boredom." "Karpathy, that dreadful Hungarian?" "Was he there?" "Yes, he was there all right and up to his old tricks." "That blackguard who uses the science of speech" "More to blackmail and swindle than teach." "He made it the devilish business of his" "To find out who this Miss Doolittle is." "Every time we looked around" "There he was that hairy hound from Budapest." "Never leaving us alone." "Never have I ever known a ruder pest." "Finally I decided it was foolish" "Not to let him have his chance with her." "So I stepped aside and let him dance with her." "Oozing charm from every pore" "He oiled his way around the floor." "Every trick that he could play he used to strip her mask away." "And when at last the dance was done" "He glowed as if he knew he'd won." "And with a voice too eager" "And a smile too broad" "He announced to the hostess that she was a fraud." "No!" "Yes!" "(in Hungarian)" "Her English is too good, he said" "That clearly indicates that she is foreign." "Whereas others are instructed in their native language" "English people aren't." "And although she may have" "Studied with an expert Di'lectician and grammarian" "I can tell that she was born Hungarian." "Not only Hungarian but of royal blood." "She is a princess." "Her blood, he said, 'is bluer than the Danube" "Is or ever was'." "'Royalty is absolutely written on her face." "She thought I was taken in" "But actually I never was'." "'How could she deceive another member of her race?" "'" "'L know each language on the map', said he" "'And she's Hungarian as the first Hungarian Rhapsody'." "Congratulations, Professor Higgins" "For your glorious victory" "Congratulations, Professor Higgins" "You'll be mentioned in history" "Well, thank God, that's over." "Now I can go to bed without dreading tomorrow." "Good night, Mr. Higgins." "Good night, Mrs. Pearce." "I think I'll turn in, too." "Good night, Higgins." "It's been a great occasion." "Good night, Pickering." "Oh, Mrs. Pearce?" "Oh, damn." "I meant to ask her to give me coffee" "In the morning instead of tea." "Leave a little note for her will you, Eliza?" "And put out the lights." "Must be downstairs." "Oh, darn it." "I'll leave my head behind one of these days." "What the devil have I done with my slippers?" "Here are your slippers." "There!" "And there!" "Take your slippers and may you never have a day's luck with them." "What on earth?" "What's the matter?" "Is anything wrong?" "No, nothing wrong with you." "I won your bet for you, haven't I?" "That's enough for you!" "I don't matter, I suppose." "You won my bet?" "You presumptuous insect!" "I won it!" "What did you throw those slippers at me for?" "Because I wanted to smash your face." "I could kill you, you selfish brute!" "Why didn't you leave me where you picked me up in the gutter?" "You thank God it's all over now," "You can throw me back again there, do you?" "Oh, so the creature's nervous after all?" "Claws in you, cat!" "How dare you show your temper to me?" "Sit down and be quiet!" "Oh, what's to become of me?" "What's to become of me?" "How the devil do I know what's to become of you?" "What does it matter what becomes of you?" "You don't care." "I know you don't care." "You wouldn't care if I was dead." "I'm nothing to you." "Not as much as them slippers." "Those slippers!" "Those slippers!" "I didn't think it meant any difference now." "Why have you suddenly begun going on like this?" "May I ask if you complain of your treatment here?" "No." "Has anybody behaved badly?" "Colonel Pickering?" "Mrs. Pearce?" "No." "Well, you don't pretend that I have treated you badly?" "No." "Well, I'm glad to hear that." "Perhaps you're tired after the strain of the day." "Would you, would you have a chocolate?" "No!" "Thank you." "Well it's only natural that you should be anxious," "But it's all over now." "Nothing more to worry about." "No, nothing more for you to worry about." "Oh, God, I wish I was dead." "Why, in heavers name, why?" "Now listen to me, Eliza." "All this irritation is purely subjective." "I don't understand." "I'm too ignorant." "It's just imagination." "Nothing's wrong." "Nobody's hurting you." "Now you go to bed and sleep it off." "Have a little cry" "And say your prayers and you'll feel very much more comfortable." "I heard your prayers." ""Thank God it's all over"." "Well, don't you thank God it's all over?" "Now you're free and you can do what you like." "Oh, what am I fit for?" "What have you left me fit for?" "Where am I to go?" "What am I to do?" "And what's to become of me?" "Oh, that's what's worrying you, is it?" "Oh I wouldn't worry about that if I were you." "I'm sure you won't have any difficulty" "In settling yourself somewhere or other." "I didn't quite realize you were going away." "You might marry, you know." "You see, Eliza, all men are not" "Confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel." "Most men are the marrying sort, poor devils." "And you're not bad looking." "You're really quite a pleasure to look at sometimes." "Oh, not now, of course, when you've been crying." "You look like the very devil, but I mean..." "When you're all right and quite yourself you're..." "I would call attractive." "Now you go to bed, have a good night's rest," "And then get up in the morning" "And have a look at yourself in the glass." "You won't feel so bad." "I dare say my mother might find some fellow or other" "Who would do very well." "We were above that in Covent Garden." "What do you mean?" "I sold flowers, I didn't sell myself." "Now you've made a lady of me, I'm not fit to sell anything else." "Oh, tosh, Eliza." "Don't insult human relations" "By dragging all that cant about buying and selling into it." "You don't have to marry the fellow if you don't want to." "What else am I to do?" "Oh, there are lots of things." "What about the old idea of a florist shop?" "I'm sure Pickering'd set you up in one." "He's got lots of money." "He'll have to pay for all those togs" "You're wearing tonight." "And that with the hire of the jewelry'll" "Make a big hole in two hundred pounds." "Oh, come on now." "You'll be all right." "Well, I must be off to bed." "I'm really devilish sleepy." "I was looking for something." "What was it?" "Your slippers." "Oh yes, of course, you shied them at me." "Before you go, sir." "Do my clothes belong to me or to Colonel Pickering?" "What the devil use would they be to Pickering?" "Why do you bother about that in the middle of the night?" "I want to know what I may take away with me." "I don't want to be accused of stealing." "Stealing?" "You shouldn't have said that, Eliza." "That shows a want of feeling." "I'm sorry." "I'm only a common, ignorant girl" "And in my station I have to be careful." "There can't be any feelings" "Between the likes of you and the likes of me." "Please, will you tell me what belongs to me and what doesn't?" "You can take the whole damned houseful if you want." "Except the jewelry." "That's hired." "Will that satisfy you?" "Stop please!" "Will you take these to your room and keep them safe?" "I don't want to run the risk of them being missed." "Oh, hand them over!" "If these belonged to me and not the jeweler I'd..." "I'd ram them down your ungrateful throat." "The ring isn't the jeweler's," "It's the one you bought me in Brighton." "I don't want it now." "Don't you hit me!" "Hit you?" "You infamous creature how dare you suggest such a thing." "It's you who've hit me." "You've wounded me to the heart." "I'm glad." "I've got a little of my own back anyhow." "You've caused me to lose my temper," "A thing that's hardly happened to me before." "I don't wish to discuss it further tonight." "I'm going to bed." "You better leave your own note for Mrs. Pearce about the coffee" "For it won't be done by me!" "Damn Mrs. Pearce!" "Damn the coffee and damn you!" "And damn my own folly for having lavished my hard-earned knowledge" "And the treasure of my regard and intimacy" "On a heartless guttersnipe!" ""Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins." "Just you wait!"" ""You'll be sorry, but your tears'll be too late."" ""You will be the one it's done to."" ""And you'll have no one to run to..."" ""Just you wait."" "I have often walked down this street before" "But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before" "All at once am I several stories high" "Knowing I'm on the street where you live" "Are there lilac tress in the heart of town?" "Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?" "Does enchantment pour out of every door?" "No, it's just on the street where you live" "And, oh, the towering feeling" "Just to know somehow you are near" "The overpowering feeling" "That any second you may suddenly appear" "People stop and stare, they don't..." "Darling." "Freddy, whatever are you doing here?" "Nothing." "I spend most of my night's here." "It's the only place where I'm happy." "Don't laugh at me, Miss Doolittle." "Don't you call me Miss Doolittle, do you hear?" "Eliza's good enough for me." "Oh, Freddy, you don't think I'm a heartless guttersnipe, do you?" "Darling, how could you imagine such a thing?" "You know how I feel." "I've written two and three times a day telling you." "Sheets and sheets." ""Speak and the world is full of singing" "And I am winging higher than the birds" "Touch and my heart begins to crumble" "The heart begins to crumble" "The heavens tumble, darling, and I'm..."" "Words!" "Words!" "Words!" "I get words all day through" "First from him, now from you" "Is that all you blighters can do?" "Don't talk of stars burning above" "If you're in love, show me!" "Tell me no dreams filled with desire" "If you're on fire show me!" "Here we are together in the middle of the night" "Don't talk of spring just hold me tight" "Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you" "That this is no time for a chat" "Haven't your lips longed for my touch?" "Don't say how much show me!" "Show me!" "Don't talk of love lasting through time" "Make me no undying vow" "Show me now!" "Sing me no song." "Read me no rhyme." "Don't waste my time" "Show me!" "Don't talk of June." "Don't talk of fall." "Don't talk at all, show me!" "Never do I ever want to hear another word" "There isn't one I haven't heard" "Here we are together in what ought to be a dream" "Say one more word and I'll scream" "Haven't your arms hungered for mine?" "Please don't explain, show me!" "Show me!" "Don't wait until wrinkles and lines" "Pop out all over my brow" "Show me now!" "Eliza, where are you going?" "To the river." "What for?" "To make a hole in it." "Eliza, darling, what do you mean?" "Taxi!" "Taxi!" "But I've no money." "I have." "Where are you going?" "Where I belong." "Darling, shall I come with you?" ""With one enormous chair."" ""Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?"" ""Lots of chocolate for me to eat."" ""Lots of coal making lots of heat."" ""Warm face, warm hands, warm feet."" ""Oh, wouldn't it be loverly.?"" ""Oh, so loverly..."" "Buy a flower, miss?" "Yes, please." "Good morning, miss." "Can I help you?" "Do you mind if I warm my hands?" "Go right ahead, miss." "Yes?" "Oh, excuse me, miss." "For a second I thought you were somebody else." "Who?" "Forgive me, ma'am." "Early morning light playing tricks with my eyes." "Can I get you a taxi, ma'am?" "A lady like you shouldn't be walking' alone" "Around London this hour of the morning." "No thank you." ""Someone's head resting' on my knee."" ""Warm and tender as he can be."" ""Who takes good care of me."" ""Oh, wouldn't it be loverly."" ""Loverly, loverly."" ""Loverly, Loverly."" "Do come again, Mr. Doolittle." "We value your patronage always." "Ah, thank you, my good man." "Thank you." "Here." "Come here." "Take the Missus on a trip to Brighton with my compliments." "Well thank you, Mr. Doolittle." "Jolly spot this, Harry." "We must visit it more often." "Father!" "Oh no." "You see, Harry, he has no mercy." "Sent her down to spy on me in me misery, he did." "Me own flesh and blood." "Well, I'm miserable, all right." "You can tell him that straight." "What are you talking about?" "What are you dressed up for?" "As if you didn't know." "Go on back to that Wimpole Street devil." "T ell him what he's done to me." "What's he done to you?" "Ruined me, that's all." "Tied me up and delivered me" "Into the hands of middleclass morality." "And don't you defend him." "Was it 'im or was it not 'im wrote to" "An old American blighter named" "Wallingford Who was giving five millions to found moral reform societies?" "To tell him the most original moralist in England was Mr. Alfred" "P. Doolittle, a common dustman?" "That sounds like one of his jokes." "You may call it a joke." "It's put the lid on me." "Proper." "The old bloke died and left me four thousand pounds a year" "In his bloomin' will." "Who asked him to make a gentleman outta me?" "I was happy." "I was free." "I touched pretty nigh everyone for money when I wanted it," "Same as I touched him." "Now I'm tied neck and heels and everybody touches me." "A year ago I hadn't a relation in the world" "Except one or two who wouldn't speak to me." "Now I've fifty." "Not a decent week's wages amongst the lot of them." "Oh, I have to live for others now, not for me self." "Middleclass morality." "Come on, Alfie, in another couple of hours" "And we have to be at the church." "Church?" "The deepest cut of all." "Well, why do you think" "I'm dressed up like a ruddy pall bearer?" "Your stepmother wants to marry me." "Now I'm respectable, she wants to be respectable." "Well, if that's the way you feel about it," "Why don't you give the money back?" "Heh, that's the tragedy of it, Eliza." "It's easy to say chuck it, but I haven't the nerve." "We're all intimidated." "That's what we are, intimidated." "Bought up." "Yeah." "That's what I am." "That's what your precious Professor's brought me to." "Not my precious Professor." "Oh, sent you back, has he?" "First he shoves me in the middle class" "Then he chucks you out for me to support you." "That's all part of his plan but you double-cross him." "Don't you come back home to me." "Don't you take tuppence from me." "You stand on your own two feet." "You're a lady now, you can do it." "Yeah, that's right, Eliza." "You're a lady now." "Eliza, its getting awfully cold in that taxi." "Here, Eliza, would you like to come" "And see me turned off this morning?" "Eh?" "St. George's, Hanover Square ten o'clock." "I wouldn't advise it, but you're welcome." "No, thank you, Dad." "Are you all finished here, Eliza?" "Yes, Freddy, I'm all finished here." "Good luck, Dad." "Thank you, Eliza." "Now come along, Alfred." "How much time have I got left?" "There's just a few more hours."" "That's all the time you've got" "A few more hours" "Before they tie the knot" "There's drinks and girls all over London" "And I gotta track 'em down in just a few more hours." "Set me up, darling." "I'm getting married in the morning." "Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime." "Pull out the stopper." "Let's have a whopper." "But get me to the church on time." "I got to be there in the morning." "Spruced up and looking in me prime." "Girls, come and kiss me." "Show how you'll miss me." "But get me to the church on time." "I was dancing roll up the floor." "If I am whistling (whistling) Me out the door." "For I'm getting married in the morning." "Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime." "Pick up a rumpas, but don't lose the compass." "But get me to the church on time." "Get him to the church." "For God's sake get me to the church on time." "I'm getting married in the morning." "Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime." "Some bloke who's able." "Lift up the table." "But get me to the church on time." "If I am flying, then shoot me down." "If I am wooing', get her out of town." "For I'm getting married in the morning." "Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime." "Feather and tar me." "Call out the army." "But get me to the church." "Get me to the church." "For God's sake get me to the church on time." "He's getting married in the morning." "Ding dong the bells are gonna chime." "Come on, pull out the stopper." "Let's have a whopper." "But get me to the church on time." "He's got to be there in the morning." "Spruced up and lookin' in his prime." "Girls, come and kiss me." "Show how you'll miss me." "But get me to the church on time." "If I am dancing, roll up the floor." "If I am whistling (whistle) Me out the door." "He's getting married in the morning." "Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime." "Drug me or jail me." "Stamp me and mail me." "But get me to the church." "Get him to the church." "For God's sake, get me to the church on time." "Girls, come and kiss him." "Show how they miss him." "But get him to the church on time." "Kick up a rumpus." "But don't lose the compass." "And get him to church on time." "If I am flying then shoot me down." "If I am wooing', get her out of town." "He's getting married in the morning." "Ding dong the bells are gonna chime." "Some bloke who's able." "Lift up the table." "But get me to the church on time." "Starlight is reeling'." "Home to bed now." "Morning is smearing up the sky." "London is waking." "Daylight is breaking." "Good luck, old chum." "Good health, goodbye." "I'm getting married in the morning." "Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime." "Hail and salute me." "Then haul off and boot me." "But get him to the church." "Get him to the church." "For God's sake." "Get him to the church on time." "Pickering!" "Didn't she even say where to send her clothes?" "I told you, sir, she took them all with her." "Pickering!" "What's the matter?" "Here's a confounded thing." "Eliza's bolted." "Bolted?" "Bolted!" "Last night, Mrs. Pearce let her go without telling me a thing about it!" "Well, I'm dashed." "What am I to do?" "I got tea this morning instead of coffee." "I don't know where anything is." "I don't know what my appointments are." "Eliza would know." "Of course she'd know, but damn it, she's gone." "Did either of you gentlemen frighten her last night?" "Last night we hardly said a word to her." "You were there." "Did you bully her after I went to bed?" "It was just the other way around." "She threw the slippers at me." "I never gave her the slightest provocation." "The slippers suddenly came bang at my head" "Before I uttered a word." "She used the most disgraceful language." "I was shocked!" "Well, I'm dashed." "I don't understand it." "We've always given her every consideration." "She admitted it herself." "Well, I'm dashed." "Oh, Pickering, for God's sake stop being dashed and do something." "What?" "Well, phone the police." "What are they there for in heavers name?" "Mr. Higgins, you can't give Eliza's name to the police" "As if she were a thief or a lost umbrella." "But why not?" "I want to find the girl." "She belongs to me." "I paid five pounds for her." "Quite right." "Hello?" "Scotland Yard, please." "Get me some coffee would you please?" "Yes, sir." "Mrs... uh..." "Scotland Yard?" "...Pearce, of course." "I beg your pardon, yes..." "this is Colonel Pickering speaking," "Hugh Pickering, Twenty-seven A Wimpole Street." "I want to report a missing person." "Miss Eliza Doolittle." "About twenty-one." "Oh, I should say about five foot seven." "Her eyes?" "Oh let me think now." "Her eyes." "Her eyes..." "Brown." "Brown." "No, no, no." "Her hair?" "Oh, good Lord, well," "Sort of nondescript neutral sort of..." "Brown!" "Brown!" "Brown!" "You heard what he said?" "Brown, brown, brown, yes." "No, no, no, this her residence." "Twenty seven A..." "Yes, yes, about between three and four this morning, I understand." "Yes, no, no, no, no." "The relat...?" "No, she's no relation, no." "What?" "Well, just let's call her a good friend, shall we." "I beg your pardon." "Listen to me, my man," "I don't like the tenor of that question." "What the girl does here is our affair." "Your affair is to get her back so she can continue doing it." "Well, I'm dashed." "What, in all of heaven could have prompted her to go?" "After such a triumph." "At the ball." "What could have depressed her?" "What could have possessed her?" "I cannot understand the wretch at all." "Higgins, I have an old school chum at the Home Office," "Perhaps he could help." "Think I'll give him a ring." "Whitehall 7244, please." "Women are irrational." "That's all there is to that." "Their heads are full of cotton, hay and rags." "They're nothing but exasperating." "Irritating, vacillating, calculating." "Agitating, maddening and infuriating hags." "Oh, I want to speak to Mr. Brewster Budgin, please." "Yes, I'll wait." "Pickering, why can't a woman be more like a man?" "I beg your pardon?" "Yes, why can't a woman be more like a man?" "Man are so honest, so thoroughly square." "Eternally noble." "Historically fair." "Who when you win will always give your back a pat." "Why can't a woman be like that?" "Why does everyone do what the others do?" "Can't a woman learn to use her head?" "Why do they do everything their mother's do?" "Why don't they grow up, well, like their father instead?" "Why can't a woman take after a man?" "Men are so pleasant." "So easy to please." "Whenever you're with them you're always at ease." "Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?" "Oh course not!" "Would you be livid if I had drink or two?" "Nonsense!" "Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?" "Never!" "Well, why can't a woman be like you?" "One man in a million may shout a bit." "Now and then there's one with slight defects." "One perhaps whose truthfulness you doubt a bit." "But by and large we are a marvelous sex." "Why can't a woman take after a man?" "Cause men are so friendly." "Good natured and kind." "A better companion you never will find." "If I were hours late for dinner would you bellow?" "Of course not!" "If I forgot your silly birthday." "Would you fuss?" "Nonsense!" "Would you complain if I took out another fellow?" "Never!" "Well, why can't a woman be like us?" "Oh, hello, Mr. Brewster Budgin there?" "Bruzzie." "Oh Bruzzie, you'll never, never guess who this is." "You're quite right, yes, it is good heavens." "By George, what a memory." "How are you Bruzzie?" "Nice to hear your voice." "What?" "You don't say." "Has it really been thirty years, Bruzzie?" "You're quite right." "Yes, oceans of water." "Listen, listen, Bruzzie, I'll tell you why I rang up." "Something rather unpleasant has happened at this end." "Could I come and see you?" "Well, I could, yes." "Now, straight away?" "Right-o, good, thank you, thank you," "Good bye, Bruzzie, thank you very much." "Oh, Mrs. Pearce, I'm going along to the Home Office." "Oh, I' do hope you find her, Colonel Pickering." "Mr. Higgins will miss her." "Mr. Higgins will miss her, eh?" "Blast Mr. Higgins, I'll miss her!" "Pickering?" "Pickering?" "Oh, Mrs. Pearce?" "Yes, sir?" "Where's the Colonel?" "He's gone to the Home Office, sir." "Oh, there you are." "I'm disturbed and he runs for help." "Now there's a good fellow." "Mrs. Pearce you're a woman" "Why can't a woman be more like a man?" "Men are so decent." "Such regular chaps." "Ready to help you through any mishaps." "Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum." "Why can't a woman be a chum?" "Why is thinking something women never do?" "And why is logic never even tried?" "Straightening up their hair is all they ever do." "Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?" "Why can't a woman behave like a man?" "If I was a woman who'd been to ball." "Been hailed as a princess by one and by all." "Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?" "Or carry on as if my home were in a tree?" "Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?" "Why can't a woman be like me?" "Do you mean to say that after you'd done this wonderful thing" "For them without making a single mistake" "They just sat there and never said a word to you?" "Never petted you or admired you" "Or told you how splendid you'd been?" "Not a word." "They just sat there congratulating each other" "On how marvelous they'd been." "And the next moment how glad they were it was all over" "And what a bore it had all been." "This is simply appalling." "I should not have thrown my slippers at him," "I should have thrown the fire irons." "What's that?" "It's Henry." "I knew it wouldn't be too long." "Now remember, you not only danced with a prince last night," "You behaved like a princess." "Mother the most confounded thing, do you..." "You?" "Good afternoon, Professor Higgins." "Are you quite well?" "Am I...?" "Of course." "You are never ill." "Would you care for some tea?" "Don't you dare try that game on me." "I taught it to you." "Now you get up and come home and stop being a fool." "You've caused me enough trouble for one morning." "Very nicely put indeed, Henry." "No woman could resist such an invitation." "How did this baggage get here in the first place?" "Eliza came to see me this morning and I was delighted to have her." "And if you don't promise to behave yourself," "I must ask you to leave." "You mean to say I'm to put on my Sunday manners for this thing that I created out of the squashed cabbage" "Leaves of Covent Garden?" "That's precisely what I mean." "I'll see her damned first." "However did you learn good manners with my son around?" "It was very difficult." "I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen behave" "If it hadn't been for Colonel Pickering." "He always showed me that he felt and thought about me as if" "I were something better than a common flower girl." "You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up the difference between a lady and a flower girl" "Is not how she behaves, but how she is treated." "I shall always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins" "Because he always treats me as a flower girl and always will." "But I know I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering" "Because he always treats me as a lady and always will." "Henry, don't grind your teeth." "The bishop is here, Madam, shall I show him into the garden?" "The bishop and the professor:" "Good heavers no!" "I should be excommunicated." "I'll see him in the library." "Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things," "I give you full permission to have him evicted." "Henry dear, I suggest you stick to two subjects:" "The weather and your health." "Well, you've had a bit of your own back, as you call it." "Have you had enough and are you going to be reasonable" "Or do you want anymore?" "You want me back only to pick up your slippers" "And put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you." "I didn't say I wanted you back at all." "Oh, indeed?" "Then what are we talking about?" "Well, about you, not about me." "If you come back you'll be treated" "As you've always been treated." "I can't change my nature, I don't intend to change my manners." "My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering's." "That's not true." "He treats a flower girl as if she were a duchess." "And I treat a duchess as if she was a flower girl." "Oh, I see." "The same to everybody." "Just so." "You see, the great secret," "Is not a question of good manners or bad manners" "Or any particular sort of manners" "But having the same manner for all human souls." "The question is not whether I treat you rudely," "Whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better." "I don't care how you treat me." "I don't mind your swearing at me." "I shouldn't mind a black eye." "I have had one before this." "But I won't be passed over!" "Well then, get out of my way for I won't stop for you." "You talk about me as though I was a motor bus." "So you are a motor bus." "All bounce and go and no consideration for anybody." "But I can get along without you." "Don't you think I can't!" "I know you can." "I told you could." "You've never wondered, I suppose, whether," "Whether I could get along without you?" "Don't you try to get around me." "You'll have to." "So I can without you or any soul on earth." "I shall miss you, Eliza." "I've learned something from your idiotic notions." "I confess that humbly and gratefully." "Well, you have my voice on your gramophone." "When you feel lonely without me you can turn it on." "It has no feelings to hurt." "Well, I, I can't turn your soul on." "Oh, you are a devil!" "You can twist the heart in a girl just as easily" "As some can twist her arms to hurt her." "What am I to come back for?" "For the fun of it." "That's why I took you on." "And you may throw me out tomorrow" "If I don't do everything you want me to." "Yes, and you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything" "You want me to." "And live with my father?" "Yes, or sell flowers." "Or would you rather marry Pickering?" "I wouldn't marry you if you asked me" "And you're nearer my age than what he is." "Than he is." "I'll talk as I like." "You're not my teacher now." "That's not what I want and don't you think it is." "I've always had chaps enough wanting me that way." "Freddy Hill writes me twice and three times a day." "Sheets and sheets." "Oh, in short, you want me to be as infatuated about you as he is," "Is that it?" "No, I don't." "That's not the sort of feeling I want from you." "I want a little kindness." "I know I'm a common, ignorant girl" "And you're a book-learned gentleman," "But I'm not dirt under your feet." "What I done, what I did was not for the taxis and the dresses but because we were pleasant together and I come to, came to care for you." "Not to want you to make love to me" "And not forgetting the difference between us" "But... more friendly-like." "Well, of course." "That's how I feel." "And, and how Pickering feels." "E-E-Eliza you're a fool!" "That's not the proper answer to give me." "The only answer you'll get until you stop being a plain idiot." "If you're going to be a lady, you'll have to stop" "Feeling neglected if the men you know don't spend half their time" "Sniveling over you and the other half giving you black eyes." "You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you?" "Well, be off with you to the sort of people you like." "Marry some sentimental hog or other with lots of money" "And a thick pair of lips to kiss you," "With a thick pair of boots to kick you with." "If you can't appreciate what you've got," "You'd better get what you can appreciate." "Oh, I can't talk to you." "You always turn everything against me." "I'm always in the wrong." "But don't be too sure that you have me under your feet" "To be trampled on and talked down." "I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as I'm able to support him." "Freddy?" "That poor devil who couldn't get job as an errand boy" "Even if he had the guts to try for it?" "Woman don't you understand?" "I have made you a consort for a king!" "Freddy loves me." "That makes him king enough for me." "I don't want him to work." "He wasn't brought up to do it as I was." "I'll go and be a teacher." "What'll you teach, in heavers name?" "What you taught me." "I'll teach phonetics." "Ha ha ha." "I'll offer myself as an assistant to that brilliant Hungarian." "What that imposter?" "That humbug?" "That toadying ignoramus?" "Teach him my methods, my discoveries?" "You take one step in that direction and I'll wring your neck." "Wring away!" "What do I care?" "I knew you'd strike me one day." "Ay that's done you 'Enry 'Iggins it 'as." "Now, I don't care that for your bullying' an' your big talk." "Oh, what a fool I was." "What a dominated fool." "To think you were the earth and sky." "What a fool I was." "What an addle-pated fool." "What a mutton headed dolt was I." "No, my reverberating friend." "You are not the beginning and the end." "You impudent hussy!" "There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth" "That I haven't put there." "There'll be spring every year without you." "England still will be here without you." "There'll be fruit on the tree and a shore by the sea." "There'll be crumpets and tea without you." "Art and music will thrive without you." "Somehow Keats will survive without you." "And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain." "Even that will remain without you." "I can do... without you." "You, dear friend who talk so well." "You can go to Hertford Hereford and Hampshire." "They can still rule the land without you." "Windsor Castle will stand without you." "And without much ado we can all muddle through without you!" "You brazen hussy!" "Without your pulling it the tide comes in." "Without your twirling it the earth can spin." "Without your pushing them the clouds roll by." "If they can do without you Ducky, so can l." "I shall not feel alone without you." "I can stand on my own without you." "So go back in your shell I can do bloody well without..." "By George, I really did it I did it, I did it." "I said I'd make a woman and indeed I did." "I knew that I could do it I knew it, I knew it." "I said I'd make a woman and succeed I did." "Eliza, you're magnificent." "Five minutes ago you were a millstone around my neck" "And now you're a tower of strength." "A consort battleship." "I like you this way." "Goodbye, Professor Higgins." "You shall not be seeing me again." "Mother!" "Mother!" "What is it, Henry?" "What's happened?" "She's gone." "Well, of course dear." "What did you expect?" "What am I to do?" "Do without, I suppose." "And so I shall." "If the Higgins' oxygen burns up her little lungs," "Let her seek some stuffiness that suits her." "She's an owl sickened by a few days of my sunshine." "Well, let her go." "I can do without her." "I can do without anyone." "I have my own soul!" "My own spark of divine fire!" "Bravo, Eliza!" "Damn, damn damn, damn." "I've grown accustomed to her face." "She almost makes the day begin." "I've grown accustomed to the tune." "That She whistles night and noon." "Her smiles, her frowns." "Her ups, her downs." "Are second nature to me now." "Like breathing out and breathing in." "I was serenely independent and content before we met." "Surely I could always be that way again." "...and yet I've grown accustomed to her looks." "Accustomed to her voice." "Accustomed to her face." "Marry Freddy." "What an infantile idea." "What a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do." "But she'll regret it." "She'll regret it." "It's doomed before they even take the vow!" "I can see her now Mrs. Freddy Eynsford-Hill." "In a wretched little flat Above a store." "I can see her now." "Not a penny in the till." "And a bill collector beating at the door." "She'll try to teach the things I taught her." "And end up selling flowers instead." "Begging for her bread and water." "While her husband has his breakfast in bed." "In a year or so, when she's prematurely gray." "And the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk." "She'll come home and lo." "He'll have upped and run away with a" "Social climbing heiress from New York." "Poor Eliza." "How simply frightful." "How humiliating." "How delightful." "How poignant it will be on that inevitable night." "When she hammers on my door in tears and rags." "Miserable and lonely, repentant and contrite." "Will I take her in, or hurl her to the wolves?" "Give her kindness?" "Or the treatment she deserves?" "Will I take her back?" "Or throw the baggage out?" "Well, I'm a most forgiving man." "The sort who never could, ever would." "Take a position and staunchly never budge." "A most forgiving man." "But I shall never take her back." "If she were crawling on her knees." "Let her promise to a tome." "Let her shiver." "Let her moan." "I'll slam the door." "And let the hellcat freeze." "Marry Freddy." "Hah!" "But I'm so used to hear her say." "Good morning every day." "Her joys, her woes." "Her highs, her lows." "Are second nature to me now." "Like breathing out and breathing in." "I'm very grateful she's a woman and so easy to forget." "Rather like a habit one can always break and yet I've grown accustomed to the trace" "Of something in the air." "Accustomed to her face." "Ah, we are proud." "He ain't above givin' lessons, not him." "I heard him say so." "Well, I ain't come here to ask for any compliment" "And if my money's not good enough, I can go elsewhere." "Good enough for what?" "Good enough for you." "Now you know, don't you?" "I'm come to have lessons, I am." "And to pay for 'em, too," "Make no mistake." "What is it you want, my girl?" "I, I want to be a lady in a flower shop" "Instead of selling at the corner of Tottenham Court Road." "But they won't take me unless I can talk more genteel." "He said he could teach me." "Well, here I am, ready to pay, not asking any favor" "And he treats me as if I was dirt." "I know what lessons cost as well as you do and I'm ready to pay." "I won't give more than a shillin'." "Take it or leave it." "It's almost irresistible." "She's so deliciously low so horribly dirty I'll take it." "I'll make a duchess of this draggled-tailed guttersnipe." "I washed my face and hands before I come, I did." "Eliza" "Where the devil are my slippers?" "The End"