"( theme song playing )" "I'm still trying on your call to Berlin," "General von Schlomm." "It should be any minute." "Thank you, my dear." "Just call me." "I will, General von Schlomm." "( chuckles )" "The Führer is sleeping late this morning." "The Führer works all night, Klink." "My meaning exactly, General von Schlomm." "Oh, and what marvelous work he does." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "And may I say, General von Schlomm, what a privilege it is to be even a small part of this momentous mission." "Klink, this mission is top, top secret." "Top secret." "Sir Charles knows of it," "Lady Chitterly knows of it, I know of it and the Führer knows of it, but no one else, definitely including you, Klink, must either know of it or mention it." "Trust me not to breathe a word... until after England surrenders." "Klink!" "What did I say?" "General von Schlomm is calling Hitler in Berlin to tell him you and Lady Chitterly are ready to take off for the capital." "But dash it all, Hogan, I'm not ready." "I'm being held prisoner down here by a group of prisoners and that's simply not done." "You know it, Sir Charles, and I know it, but von Schlomm doesn't know it." "Well, he'll soon find out." "Why?" "Colonel Crittendon looks enough like you to be your twin." "Oh, absolute balderdash." "And even if he could fool von Schlomm, he could never out fool Lady Chitterly." "Maybe she wants to be fooled." "That, sir, is the remark of a cad." "Colonel, I think this is it." "Hitler's headquarters or Hitler himself?" "Hitler himself." "Yes, mein Führer, they are both here now." "Lady Chitterly arrived early this morning." "I quite understand mein Führer." "To Berlin immediately." "It shall be done, mein Führer." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Klink, prepare my car for traveling." "Prepare your car for traveling-- of course, General von Schlomm." "I shall need a motorcycle escort heavily armed." "Motorcycle escort heavily armed-- of course, General von Schlomm." "To leave within the hour." "To leave within the hour-- of course, General von Schlomm." "Oh, General von Schlomm, would the General like me to accompany him to Berlin?" "Why?" "Prepare your car for traveling-- of course, General von Schlomm." "What now, Colonel?" "( sighs )" "I wish I knew." "Thanks, Crittendon." "We don't have too much time." "Where's Lady Chitterly?" "In the bedroom, resting I think." "You better get her in here." "Hogan, a deucedly attractive woman and all that, but do you think it's wise, her being in such close quarters with me?" "What are you talking about?" "Psychological problem, Hogan." "I mean, the woman's ready to kill her husband because he's a traitor, and here am I, a dead-ringer for Sir Charles." "Crittendon, she won't put a knife in you, believe me." "No, no, no, that's not what I meant." "I'm on her side." "The pressure on her, Hogan, it's... it's almost too strong." "To do what?" "( clearing throat )" "It's a bit obvious, isn't it?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Play it safe." "Only give her about 20% of your charm." "Yes." "Do my best." "( loudly ):" "Uh, Leslie my dear... ( whispers ):" "In case anybody's listening." "Yeah, mm-hmm." "Yes?" "Lady Chitterly, we've got to make this fast." "von Schlomm just talked to Hitler and he wants you in Berlin right away." "And since Hitler knows your husband, he's not going to be fooled by Crittendon." "I'm not sure of that, Hogan." "Well, I am." "So whatever we set up to abort this mission, it's got to be done from here." "I see." "You have placed yourself in charge, Colonel Hogan." "Call it what you will." "And as our leader, how are you persuading General von Schlomm that we should go against Hitler's orders?" "( sighs )" "I'll think of something." "Not good enough." "I don't know you well enough and I don't trust you far enough." "How far do you think I can trust you?" "Married to Axis Charlie for five years, been in Berlin for three months cozying up to the Nazis." "What kind of security clearance is that?" "( clearing throat )" "I can personally vouch for Lady Chitterly, Hogan." "Who asked you?" "I think, Colonel Hogan, I shall have to go my own way." "How?" "( chuckles )" "I shall think of something." "( knocking )" "SCHULTZ:" "Sir Charles?" "It's the guard." "What shall I tell him?" "Tell him to guard something." "Gracious lady, Sir Charles." "I have the honor to request your presence on behalf of General von Schlomm in the Commandant's office for your trip to Berlin." "All right, Schultz, we'll be right there." "Danke, Sir Charles, thank you, gracious lady." "I remain as always at your service" "Sergeant Schultz." "Gracious lady, Sir Charles..." "Colonel Hogan?" "See you later, Schultz." "We've got a problem here." "Problem?" "What problem?" "Do-do-do-don't tell me." "I see nothing!" "I know nothing!" "My dear Sir Charles, I really do not understand you." "You wish to see the Führer, the Führer wishes to see you." "He assured me of it over the phone just a few moments ago." "Now you hesitate over going to Berlin." "No hesitation." "Indecision." "Do stop being tiresome, Charles." "Of course, we're going to Berlin." "We are?" "Naturally." "Dolf is a crashing bore, but this prison camp is even worse." "Exactly, Lady Chitterly." "Were I able to get away myself..." "Klink, you can." "Then, we can go." "Where?" "To Berlin." "Berlin!" "Have you a few moments with Colonel Hogan," "Herr Kommandant?" "Absolutely not!" "No visitors, cut off the phone." "I will talk to no one." "Hope I'm not interrupting, Kommandant, but I've got to talk to you again about those meals we're getting." "Out!" "Shultz, throw this man out immediately." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Which one?" "Hogan." "Out!" "Klink, what kind of a camp are you running here?" "Glad you asked that question, General." "Colonel Robert Hogan." "When you tell those good people in Berlin about the kind of food they're serving here," "I'm sure we'll get some action." "Throw him out!" "Robert..." "Robert Hogan!" "My darling." "She knows this man?" "I'll ask her when I get a chance." "Leslie." "Leslie, old girl." "But of course, you remember Hogan, Charles." "Hi." "That mad summer before he was shot down." "That mad, marvelous romantic summer, just the three of us, remember?" "Can't say that I do, no." "Charles?" "Oh, well, Hogan." "Thought she said Grogan." "What super luck finding you here." "And what a marvelous dividend for surrendering England." "Your car's ready, General von Schlomm." "Ah." "I'm terribly sorry to break this up, but..." "Be a dear boy and tell Dolf to wait three or four days, will you?" "You'll stay with us at his quarters." "Amusingly ghastly, but it'll be just like it was that mad summer." "Lady Chitterly, I-I couldn't possibly tell the Führer..." "I have his direct orders." "Then you will tell him to change them." "Come, Robert." "But..." "Sir Charles..." "Sorry, dear boy." "Like to help you." "Going to be a dull few days for me, what?" "Klink, Klink, what shall I do?" "Cancel the staff car?" "Excellent idea, Herr Kommandant." "Hilda, cancel the staff car." "What is happening here?" "Ah, a thousand pardons." "Just looking in to see if everything is satisfactory." "General von Schlomm is still trying to reach the Führer, but you know how it is with him-- busy, busy, busy." "Have the operator check his phone." "( chuckles )" "I trust you found the wine satisfactory," "Lady Chitterly, Sir Charles?" "Now ask me." "Why should I ask you?" "'Cause I'm a wine snob and this just doesn't make it." "But this is my best wine." "It's brave enough in the bottle, but draw the cork and it panics." "But, but, but..." "Do better for dinner, dear boy." "Your place in history depends on it." "It shall be done, Sir Charles." "Somehow." "Thanks terribly for stopping by." "Lady Chitterly, Sir Charles." "Hogan." "At least Hitler doesn't know yet." "That's something." "But he will soon." "Hogan, perhaps I shouldn't ask, but did you and Leslie..." "Lady Chitterly, really have a bit of a thing going in England?" "Crittendon, I was not a member of the Clivedon set." "I shouldn't have asked." "Are we going to review the past, Colonel Hogan?" "I thought there were problems enough with the present." "I wasn't trying to review the past." "None of my business if you did, of course." "Crittendon, I never saw her before last night." "Now can we get on to something important?" "Naturally." "Lovely bit of acting you did then." "Idea just came into your head, I suppose." "I never would have thought of something clever like that." "Oh, Crittendon." "Later, Colonel." "Hogan has something frightfully important to say." "I certainly do... like reality." "Like when Hitler finds out that you're not coming, he's going to send for you." "Oh, but I'll insist on you coming along, and that will solve everything, won't it, Colonel Hogan?" "No, it won't and you know it won't." "Another bit of reality." "The Gestapo's going to get involved in this if they aren't in already." "How long do you think we can fool them?" "I'm sure that by now you've got some frightfully brilliant scheme that will tie it all up in a neat package." "Well, not yet, no." "Bet my last pound note that you have." "But of course." "Well, could we have it or is it just between you two Chitterlys?" "( door creaks open )" "Hope I'm not intruding." "What's up?" "Nothing, sir." "Just checking in." "How are you, Colonel Crittendon?" "All right?" "You are Colonel Crittendon, aren't you?" "I dare say." "You haven't seen Sir Charles around anywhere, have you?" "He got away?" "More or less, sir, yes." "Well, find him right now and fast." "Don't worry, sir, I'll do it." "I'll be right on the job, sir." "Don't worry." "( growls )" "( barking )" "( growling, barking )" "Go away, go away." "Down, sir." "Go away, you dreadful beasts." "Klink!" "Klink!" "Help, please." "Of course, Sir Charles, immediately." "Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Immediately." "Go away." "Here." "There, Sir Charles." "Please." "Down." "Down." "( groans ):" "Oh." "Oh." "Oh, my dear fellow." "You've no idea how glad I am to see you." "Oh, not at all." "Now, Sir Charles, for your dinner tonight," "I have planned a terribly insouciant" "Pouilly-Fuisse 1937." "How does that strike you, eh?" "What are you talking about?" "Wine for your dinner." "But don't you realize where I've been or how I got there?" "You have been in the dog kennel." "And I suppose you got there from my quarters after you changed your clothes." "How did you get there?" "Kidnapped." "By your dreadful prisoners." "And kept down there in their miserable tunnels." "You're Commandant of a blasted ant hole, Klink." "Impossible-- didn't I just talk to you and your wife in my quarters, huh?" "That was a ruddy impostor." "How is he getting on with Leslie?" "Very well, I thought." "Take me there at once, dear boy, at once." "Of course, Sir Charles." "Schultz, report immediately." "Schultz!" "Where are they?" "I just left them a few minutes ago." "I mean, the three of them." "What three of them?" "Why, you..." "I mean, the impostor, your wife and Hogan." "He seemed to be a friend of Lady Chitterly's." "Hogan?" "!" "He's the leader of the ant colony." "Perhaps they're in the bedroom." "What, the three of them?" "Schultz, look in the bedroom." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And if they do not wish to be disturbed...?" "Oh, balderdash, man!" "How did they get out?" "Aha!" "Through the stove." ""Through the stove"?" "( sizzles )" "( groans )" "Through the stove?" "Of course, man." "After them." "They kidnapped Leslie." "Uh, Sir Charles, you wait right here." "Schultz, I will get General von Schlomm." "Schultz will guard the door." "No one will come in or out." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "So, Klink, eh?" "Remarkable news." "Very remarkable, Major Hochstetter." "May I say how reassuring it is to have the Gestapo investigate..." "Klink..." "a situation like this." "Where has the real one been while the impostor has been with Lady Chitterly?" "Held prisoner he says." "Held prisoner?" "By whom?" "He claims by the prisoners." "By the prisoners." "Ah." "Where?" "In their barracks?" "Camped outside your window?" "Well, I believe, he did mention something about underground tunnels." "Oh, underground tunnels?" "It does sound a little farfetched." "No more lies, Klink!" "I may say, Hochstetter, that when I arrived late last night, this man was drinking... and totally disoriented." "And you reported this to Berlin, eh?" "No, I thought it was a small matter." "You thought it was a small matter, eh?" "We're here negotiating the surrender of England." "What to you is a large matter?" "!" "Hochstetter, you are talking to the personal envoy of the Führer." "And it is a good thing I am talking to him." "He needs talking to." "Gentlemen, gentlemen..." "I am sure that when we straighten out this little misunderstanding about the two Lord Chitterlys, we can all go on to more important things." "Yeah, like for you, the next train to Pinsk." "Pardon me." "Yes, Major Hochstetter." "So, Klink, which is this, eh?" "The real or the ersatz?" "Sir Charles, you're in luck." "Major Hochstetter of the Gestapo is here to investigate your story." "What story, dear boy?" "Why, being captured, the underground tunnel, and the secret entrance through that stove over there." "Stand back." "( sizzling )" "( yells )" "My last warning, Klink!" "Warning?" "About what?" "Say, you're just in time for champagne." "What is this man doing here?" "!" "Excellent question, Major." "General von Schlomm?" "He seems to be a friend of the Chitterlys." "This is the most dangerous man in all Germany and you are allowing him to negotiate the surrender of England?" "!" "Call on me anytime, Major." "Champagne?" "I'm placing you all under arrest." "I am placing you under arrest." "( telephone rings )" "Most likely for me." "Do not touch that!" "( ringing )" "Hello." "Major Hochstetter here." "Ja, of course." "Heil Hitler." "The Führer is calling from Berlin." "I will put him on immediately." "The Führer will speak with you." "Awfully sorry." "( clears throat )" "Dreadful frog in my throat." "The Führer is waiting." "Is that you, Dolf?" "Leslie, dear." "How are you?" "Charles will talk to you, but he's such a sweet stupid, you and I better finish the business part." "Oh, no." "No, we're not coming to Berlin." "No time." "The minute Charles is discovered missing, all our crowd will be under house arrest." "I take it von Schlomm has the surrender terms." "Good." "One small change of plan-- send every man-of-war you have along with some troops sailing toward England." "At once." "You simply must, Dolf." "We can never sell the surrender without an invasion threat." "( shouting in German )" "Don't shout so, Dolf." "We must all do things we don't want to do, there's a war on." "Here's Charles." "Lovely talking with you, Dolf." "And a great big kiss for Joe Goebbels." "Heil Hitler." "Careful with that thing, Crittendon." "And if you're cornered, don't try to fight it out, just throw it away." "They'll never take me this time, Hogan." "All the way to jolly old England." "Right, Leslie?" "But of course." "All the way." "And jolly good fun, too." "Colonel, everything's on schedule." "Two German line cruisers, six destroyers and a couple of transports are right now in the middle of the English Channel." "Allied planes will hit them any minute." "Ripping, we actually pulled it off." "Sure looks that way." "I don't know if I can adjust to success." "Things always seem to go the other way with me." "All due to you, of course." "You, too." "Do give me a moment with Hogan, will you?" "What?" "Oh, uh... naturally." "( chuckles nervously )" "All the time you want, of course." "I'll just... check my weapons again." "What about Charles?" "We're going to release him inside the camp in about five minutes." "You promised to turn him over to me." "I didn't think you'd want him." "No." "No, you're right." "What makes you so wise, Hogan?" "Association with you." "It's been quite an operation." "I don't know why-- chances of our seeing one another again are very small-- but I want to explain myself." "May I?" "Why not?" "You don't make it easy." "No, I don't." "To say I never went along with Charles just isn't true," "I did... to some degree." "Mainly, I went fox hunting." "The war changed things." "Changed me." "And then... those last three months in Berlin..." "Well, I'm really grateful to Hitler, you know." "I might have gone on for years more dead than alive and not caring very much either way." "What I saw in Berlin picked me up and shook me." "And when you see things like that, you make a commitment... one way or the other." "That's all." "I'm glad you took the time to tell me." "So am I." "Just thought of something, Leslie." "What if we, uh... uh..." "Oh." "Well, it, uh, can wait, of course." "No, no hurry at all." "To the all victorious Fatherland and to the Führer." "To the all victorious Führer." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Heil Hitler." "Excuse me." "I'm sorry to complain, sir, but the men over in the barracks can't get much sleep with this party going on." "Then let them stay awake." "Tonight will go down in history." "Really, what's up?" "( telephone rings )" "That call is announcing the surrender of England." "Want me to get it?" "I'll take care of it if you don't mind." "( ringing ) von Schlomm here." "Yes, General von Kottenhorn." "The chief of the general staff." "The invasion fleet is... sunk?" "There must be some mistake, my General." "General von Kottenhorn, we took every..." "( line clicks )" "General?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "The invasion fleet was sunk?" "Went down like lead." "Destroyed." "A massive ambush." "I do not understand it." "Now, General, I understand." "Prison." "You are under arrest." "Call the guards." "Jawohl, Major Hochstetter." "Major Hochstetter, may I remind you that I am the person envoy of the Führer." "Well, I guess my men can get some sleep now." "And...!" "You are also under arrest." "You and your friends, the Chitterlys." "Well, I know where he is, but she seems to have disappeared, Major." "I will find her." "You have my complete cooperation, Major Hochstetter." "HOCHSTETTER:" "And you are under arrest." "We shall get to the bottom of your tales of impostors and underground tunnels and prisoners holding prisoners." "Certainly have to admire your principles, Major." "You admire my principles, why?" "Jeopardizing an open-and-shut case just to check out an obviously impossible story." "Jeopardizing an open-and..." "Klink, your story is completely impossible." "A brilliant conclusion, Major." "And, Hochstetter, we must get to the bottom of this." "The bottom?" "Our invasion fleet is on the bottom." "That is bottom enough." "( door opens )" "Take him away." "Hochstetter, this is not the end of this." "I say, chaps, terrific news." "I've escaped again." "Frightfully good to see you all." "You're under arrest for treason." "Take him away." "Beastly bore being a fascist."