"( theme music playing )" "IT IS NOW SEPTEMBER THE 13th, 1943." "IT IS NEARLY TWO YEARS SINCE I LAST SPOKE TO YOU." "AND AS YOU CAN SEE, I HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE THINNER ON TOP" "AND A LITTLE FATTER DOWN BELOW." "BUT I AM A HAPPY MAN BECAUSE I HAVE GOOD NEWS." "THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARE FINALLY GONE." "THEY ESCAPED DOWN THE DRAIN TO THE COAST" "AND, DISGUISED AS A COUPLE OF SQUIDS," "THEY WERE" "THEY WERE NETTED BY AN ENGLISH TRAWLER." "THE ITALIAN CAPTAIN HAS GONE ALSO" "BECAUSE MUSSOLINI HAS THROWN IN THE TOWEL." "AND FOR THE GERMANS, WELL, THE WAR IS NOT GOING WELL." "HERE IN NOUVION WE ARE GETTING QUITE COCKY ABOUT IT." "RENE." "RENE, I MUST SPEAK TO YOU." " NOT NOW, YVETTE." "I AM NOT QUITE FINISHED." " OH!" "SOON THE BRITISH WILL BE HERE" "AND I WILL BE WEARING MANY MEDALS" "FOR MY HEROIC EXPLOITS AS A HERO OF THE RESISTANCE." "IN FACT, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I CAN TRUTHFULLY SAY" "I HAVE NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD." "YES, WHAT IS IT?" "I AM PREGNANT." " ARE YOU SURE?" " YES." "OH, HOLD ME." "TELL ME YOU LOVE ME." "WELL, OF COURSE I DO." "WHO IS THE FATHER?" "WHY, YOU!" "WHO ELSE?" "THAT WAS THE NEXT QUESTION I WAS GOING TO ASK." "RENE, IT IS YOUR CHILD." "KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN." " OH MY GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE." " WHAT?" "I MEAN IT'S TERRIBLE WE CANNOT TELL ANYBODY." "I AM A MARRIED MAN." "BUT YOU ARE NOT." "AND AS FAR AS THE TOWN KNOWS," "YOU ARE THE TWIN BROTHER OF THE RENE WHO WAS SHOT," "WHO WAS THE HUSBAND OF MADAME EDITH," "WHICH MAKES YOU YOUR OWN BROTHER-IN-LAW BY MARRIAGE." "WELL, DESPITE THAT COMFORTING EXPLANATION," "FOR SOME REASON MY HANDS ARE STILL SHAKING." "OH, RENE, HOLD ME." "KISS ME." "COMFORT ME." "SHOULD YOU NOT GET A SECOND OPINION?" "THIS WAS A SECOND OPINION." "THE FIRST SAID IT WAS TWINS." "OH MY GOD." "LEAVE IT TO ME." "I WILL TRY TO FIND A WAY TO KEEP EVERYONE HAPPY." "RENE!" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOLDING THAT SERVANT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?" "YOU STUPID WOMAN!" "CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS POOR GIRL IS PREGNANT?" "OH, MY POOR CHILD." "WHO IS THE CULPRIT?" "IT IS THE LIFE SHE LEADS." "IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY." "IS THAT NOT SO, YVETTE?" "ALMOST." "TELL ME, AND IF HE WILL NOT MARRY YOU," "I WILL SLIT HIS THROAT." "I HOPE IT WAS AN OFFICER." "THINK HARD." " I AM." " OH, THE SHAME." "A CHILD OUT OF WEDLOCK." "I HAVE AN IDEA." "TO PREVENT THE SHAME FALLING ON THIS POOR INNOCENT GIRL," "WHO LIVES THE LIFE SHE DOES ONLY TO KEEP HER POOR OLD MOTHER" "IN FIREWOOD AND PARAFFIN," "I WILL SACRIFICE MYSELF AND MARRY HER." "YOU WILL DO NOTHING OF THE KIND." "YOU ARE MARRIED TO ME." "I AM OFFICIALLY DEAD." "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET OUT OF IT THAT EASILY." "YOU COULD HAVE IT IN SECRET AND I SHALL SAY IT IS MINE." "I AM USED TO SHAME." "I HAVE A BETTER IDEA." "RENE AND I CAN SAY IT IS OURS." "AND WE CAN HIDE YVETTE AWAY IN THE ATTIC" "UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN." "BUT, MADAME EDITH, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE" "THAT A VIRTUOUS WOMAN LIKE YOU IS IN THE CLUB?" "I WILL PUT A CUSHION UP MY DRESS" "AND EXUDE A YOUTHFUL BLOOM." "AND OF COURSE, BIGGER CUSHIONS" "AS THE DAYS GO BY." "YOU ARE SO KIND, MADAME EDITH." "BUT I COULD NOT LET YOU BEAR THE SHAME OF A CHILD OUT OF WEDLOCK." "OR EVEN A CUSHION." "AS FAR AS THE VILLAGERS ARE CONCERNED," "YOU ARE THE WIFE OF HIS DEAD TWIN BROTHER, A SINGLE WOMAN." "I WILL PUT UP THE CUSHION AND SAY THE CHILD IS MINE." "NO, YOU WILL NOT." "THEY ARE MY CUSHIONS." "AND IF RENE IS SO KEEN TO PROTECT A WOMAN'S HONOR," "HE CAN MARRY ME OFFICIALLY" "AND SAY IT IS OURS." "A LITTLE HERO OF THE RESISTANCE." "A THOUGHT TO CONJURE WITH." "IF ONLY IT WERE MINE." "I CAN SEE IT ALL NOW." "YOU HAVE JUST WOKEN UP," "LITTLE KNOWING WHAT A SPECIAL DAY" "IT IS GOING TO BE." " RENE, DARLING, IS IT NEARLY 10:00." " ( mumbles )" "OH, HOW KIND OF YOU TO LET ME SLEEP SO LATE." "WHAT A LUCKY MAN I AM." "DEAREST, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU." "OH, TEA AND BISCUITS IN BED." "WHAT MORE COULD I WANT APART FROM A KISS FROM THE LIPS" "OF THE WOMAN I LOVE?" "BRACE YOURSELF" "FOR SOME SURPRISING NEWS." "I AM BRACED." "WHAT CAN IT BE?" "HAVE YOU NOT RECENTLY NOTICED" "THAT I HAVE A BLOOM IN MY CHEEKS?" "OH, YES, I HAVE." "AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF," "HOW LOVELY SHE LOOKS AND HOW YOUNG." "AND HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED" "THAT EVERY DAY I HAVE BEEN KNITTING LITTLE WOOLEN GARMENTS?" "WELL, ALL KNITTING IS LITTLE TO START WITH." "HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED" "I HAVE GOT A LITTLE BIGGER AROUND THE MIDDLE?" "SO YOU HAVE." "WHAT CAN IT MEAN?" " OH, DO NOT TELL ME THAT" " YES." " YOU MEAN" " YES." " YOU'RE NOT" " YES." " A LITTLE?" " YES." "YES!" "I AM SO HAPPY, I CAN HARDLY SPEAK." "WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE HERO OF THE RESISTANCE." "OR PERHAPS A LITTLE HEROINE." "I MUST MARRY YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE." "I KNEW YOU WOULD SAY THAT." "I HAVE SOMEONE STANDING BY." "WE ARE READY, YOUR EXCELLENCY." "( organ playing )" "DO YOU TAKE THIS PREGNANT WOMAN" "TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?" "I DO." " AND DO YOU" " OH, YES, YES!" "THEN I PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE." "EXCUSE ME." "I HAVE TO RETURN TO THE VATICAN." "FANCY THE POPE COMING ALL THIS WAY." "A HERO DESERVES NOTHING LESS." "AND SO MUCH FOG AT THE VATICAN." "EDITH." "EDITH, ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?" "OH, I'M SORRY, RENE." "YES, WHAT IS IT?" "WE MUST FIND THE FATHER OF THIS POOR GIRL'S CHILD" "AND MAKE HIM MARRY HER, BUT NOT BE HASTY." "GIVE HER TIME TO REMEMBER." "AND IN THE MEANTIME, SAY NOTHING." "THIS SECRET MUST REMAIN WITHIN THESE FOUR WALLS." "GOOD MOANING." "GOOD MOANING." "I HAVE SOME BOD NOSE FOR YOU." "THERE IS A RUMOR GOING AROUND THE TUNE" "THAT ONE OF YOUR WATTRESSES HAS A BIN IN THE OVEN." "OH NO, THE SHAME!" "WHOEVER IT IS." "IS IT TREE?" "YOU CAN RELY ON MOO TO BE DISCROOT." "Women:" "IT IS MINE!" "THREE BINS?" "THERE'S SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN QUITE A LOT OF HONKY-PONKY GOING ON." "NOTHING IS CERTAIN." "AND WE WOULD BE OBLIGED" "IF YOU WOULD KEEP THIS RUMOR TO YOURSELF." "UNTIL WE KNOW WHOSE LITTLE CUSHION IT IS." "A NID IS AS GOOD AS A WONK" "TO A BLOND HERSE." "MY LIPS ARE SOILED." "EVEN IF THEY WERE NOT, NO ONE WOULD BE ANY THE WISER." "WELL, I MUST BE ABOUT MY BOSINESS." "SHAME SHAME!" "YOU'VE GOT TO FIND OUT WHOSE CUSHION IT IS SOON." "THE RUMOR SEEMS TO BE SPROODING." " SHAME!" " NO!" "SHAME!" "THEY ARE ALL POINTING AT US." "I AM NOT HAVING THIS SORT OF SHAME." "I AGREE." "NOW IT IS ALL OVER THE TOWN." "IT IS TOO LATE TO HAVE IT IN SECRET." "YOU HAD BETTER FIND OUT WHO THE FATHER IS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE." "I AM THINKING HARD." "I AM THINKING EVEN HARDER." "I WISH YOU'D THOUGHT OF THIS SIX MONTHS AGO, GRUBER." "WE'D NO IDEA THE WAR WAS GOING SO BADLY." "IT'S ALL GOEBBELS'S FAULT." "LYING TO US WITH ALL THAT PROPAGANDA." "TRUST ME, COLONEL," "IF WE CAN GET TO SPAIN BEFORE THE BRITISH INVADE," "MY FRIEND AT THE MONASTERY WILL LOOK AFTER US." "DO WE HAVE TO LEARN SPANISH?" "I HAVE A SMATTERING OF IT, AND IT COULD BE USEFUL" "IF WE COULD SAY A FEW WORDS WHEN WE GET TO THE BORDER." "DESERTION'S A RISKY BUSINESS, GRUBER." "NOT AS RISKY AS BEING A PRISONER OF WAR" "IN A CAMP OF ROUGH FELLOWS." "TRUE." "WE MUST BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST." "NOW THIS IS A VERY BASIC SPANISH LESSON." "Man's voice:" "So you want to speak Spanish." "Are you listening with your translation booklets?" "YES, WE HAVE THE BOOKLET." "Lesson one, pay great attention to the accent." "Make your S's sound like T's and keep the tongue behind the teeth." "Here are some useful tips on finding somewhere to stay." "Repeat after me." "( high-pitched lisping ) Where is the Hotel Saratoga in Seville?" "( imitating ) WHERE IS THE HOTEL SARATOGA IN" "IN WHERE?" "SEVILLE." "Please, can I have a single room with shower and nice vista overlooking the sea?" "Repeat." "Both:" "PLEASE, CAN I HAVE A SINGLE ROOM" "WITH SHOWER AND NICE VISTA" "OVERLOOKING THE SEA?" "NO!" "IT'S TOO DIFFICULT." "IT'S A BARBAROUS LANGUAGE." "IT SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE GERMAN." "WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S SPANISH." "NO, AFTER A MOMENT OF TOKEN RESISTANCE," "I WILL SURRENDER TO THE BRITISH WHEN THEY ARRIVE." "IF ONLY WE STILL HAD THE PAINTING" "OF THE FALLEN MADONNA TO SELL." "IF WE HAD, WE COULD EMPLOY A SPANISH PERSON" "TO SPEAK SPANISH FOR US." "GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!" " HEIL HITLER." " HEIL HITLER." "GRAMOPHONE RECORDS?" "I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WASTING YOUR TIME LISTENING TO POPULAR MUSIC?" "NO, GENERAL, WE WERE LOOKING FOR ONE OF THE FUHRER'S SPEECHES." "TO BOOST OUR MORALE." "SO YOU HAVE BEEN WASTING YOUR TIME." "INCIDENTALLY, I'VE HEARD A RUMOR THAT CERTAIN GENERALS ARE SUSPECTED" "OF BEING INVOLVED IN A BOMB PLOT TO BLOW UP OUR BELOVED LEADER." "OUTRAGEOUS!" "YOU ARE STILL LOYAL DESPITE ALL THE MILITARY BLUNDERS?" "TO THE END." "NOT EVEN A TEENY-WEENY BIT FED UP" "WITH HIS RANTINGS AND RAVINGS?" "HE DOES GO ON A BIT," "BUT THAT'S THE FUHRER." "BE ASSURED, WE ARE LOYAL TO THE END." "THEN I WILL DROP THE SUBJECT." "AND AS FAR AS THE END IS CONCERNED," "IT MAY BE NEARER THAN WE THINK." "THE BRITISH AND THEIR YANKEE ALLIES COULD INVADE AT ANY TIME." "WE ARE READY TO RETREAT THE MOMENT YOU GIVE THE ORDER, GENERAL." "THERE WILL BE NO RETREAT AND NO SURRENDER." "THIS DOES LESSEN THE OPTIONS." "WE'RE GONNA FIGHT TO THE LAST MAN, AND THE LAST BULLET." "AND IF THIS POST IS OVERRUN," "WE WILL RETREAT TO THE CHATEAU AND WE WILL MAKE A STAND" "WHICH WILL ADD ONE FINAL GLORIOUS CHAPTER" "TO MY FAMILY'S MILITARY HISTORY!" "IF YOU HAVE ANY USEFUL SUGGESTIONS REGARDING THIS LAST STAND," "LET ME KNOW." "I SHALL BE IN MY QUARTERS." " ( needle scratches record )" " Would you like a girl of easy virtue sent to your room?" "THANKS FOR THE THOUGHT, GRUBER, BUT I'LL MAKE MY OWN ARRANGEMENTS." "MAMA, I HAVE BROUGHT YOU SOME CHICKEN AND LEEK BROTH" "AND TWO STRAWS." "OH, HOW LOVELY YOU LOOK." "I'M GETTING READY FOR THE INVASION." "THE CONQUERING SOLDIERS EXPECT IT." "BUT LAST TIME YOU SAID THEY RAPED AND PILLAGED." "THIS TIME I SHALL BE HAPPY TO SETTLE FOR PILLAGE." "SEE HOW THE YEARS DROP AWAY." "IT IS INCREDIBLE." "ERNEST, SOUP." "( yawns )" "( screams )" "FOR A MOMENT, I THOUGHT IT WAS A DREAM" "AND I WAS IN BED WITH LOUIS XVI." "MAMA IS GETTING READY FOR THE INVASION." "SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO WELCOME THE TROOPS." "IF THEY SEE THAT, THEY MAY TURN AROUND AND GO HOME." "SUCK ON YOUR SOUP AND SHUT UP." "SOON THE SUN WILL SHINE ON FRANCE" "AND A NEW WORLD WILL DAWN." "CAN YOU NOT FEEL THE WIND OF FREEDOM BLOWING ALREADY?" "I AM EXPECTING IT AT ANY MOMENT." "IT IS TIME TO CALL LONDON." "( screaming )" "WHAT INDIGNITY!" "THE SOUP IS EVERYWHERE." "I HAVE A LEEK IN MY PAJAMAS." "WILL YOU REMIND BARON FRANKENSTEIN" "AND HIS LATEST CREATION THAT THERE IS A WAR ON?" "LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY," "I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE:" "I AM THE ONE WHO CALLS LONDON AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED" "TO EVEN PRESS A BUTTON WITHOUT ME." " YOU WERE LATE." " I WAS HAVING A FACIAL." "WE MUST ALL LOOK GOOD FOR THE INVASION." "BY THE WAY, THERE IS A RUMOR THAT SOMEONE IN THE CAFE IS..." "OH NO, THE SHAME!" "SO IT IS TRUE." "AND THE FATHER?" "SHE IS TRYING TO REMEMBER." "IS NOTHING SECRET?" "WHO TOLD HER?" "I MAY HAVE MENTIONED IT IN PASSING," "BUT NO ONE ELSE KNOWS." "Man:" "This is London calling." "We are ready to receive you." "HELLO, LONDON." "THIS IS BLUE TIT." "HAVE YOU A MESSAGE FOR US?" "Yes, we hear someone is in the pudding club." "OH, THE SHAME." "DO NOT WORRY." "IT WILL GO NO FURTHER THAN ENGLAND." "IT IS JUST A RUMOR." "OVER." "We hoped it might be you, Blue Tit." "We hoped it might be a child of a heroine." "NO, JUST A LOCAL TART." "OVER." "HOW DARE YOU!" "We are sending a plane for Nighthawk." "HELLO, THIS IS NIGHTHAWK." "I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO LONDON." "I HAVE BEEN THERE ONCE AND THAT IS ENOUGH." "OVER." "Do not argue." "The plane will arrive tonight." "It will be in the long meadow before the moon is full." "That is all." "Over and out." "HELLO, DO NOT OUT UNTIL I AM OVER." "HELLO?" "WELL, I AM NOT GOING, SO THERE YOU ARE." "BUT, RENE, YOU KNOW THE AREA FROM HERE TO THE COAST" "LIKE THE BACK OF YOUR HAND." "IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT ASSIGNMENT." "YOU'LL PROBABLY PARACHUTE DOWN WITH THE FIRST WAVE." "IT IS A GREAT HONOR." "OH, RENE, PLEASE STAY." "DO NOT LEAVE ME NOW." "THERE, YOU SEE?" "THIS GIRL DOES NOT WANT ME TO LEAVE UNTIL I FIND OUT THE FATHER OF HER CHILD." "SHE IS IN MY CARE." "I FEEL RESPONSIBLE-- FOR HER CARE, THAT IS." "I KNOW MONSIEUR ALFONSE HAD A BRIEF CAREER IN HIS YOUNGER DAYS" "AS A STAGE HYPNOTIST." "MAYBE HE COULD PUT HER UNDER AND GET HER TO REMEMBER." "ON SECOND THOUGHT, IT IS A GREAT HONOR" "TO BE CHOSEN TO LEAD THE INVASION." "I HAVE VERY MANY BIG DECISIONS TO MAKE." "MONEY IS THE KEY." "WE CAN'T GO ON THE RUN WITHOUT MONEY." "IF ONLY WE HADN'T LOST THE PAINTING." "WHO HAD IT LAST?" "I FORGET." "THE GENERAL-- IT WAS STOLEN FROM HIS CHATEAU." "SINCE THEN, NOTHING." "SMELLS OF THE GESTAPO." "IF RENE HAD IT, HE'D HAVE VANISHED BY NOW." "I QUESTIONED HIM THOROUGHLY," "NEVER TAKING MY EYES OFF HIS FOR AN INSTANT." "I'M SURE HE HASN'T GOT IT." "ALTHOUGH I MUST ADMIT, HE HAS GOT SOMETHING." "MY BRAIN'S BEEN STAGNATING." "IT NEEDS THIS TYPE OF EMERGENCY TO GET IT GOING." "HELGA'S THE KEY." "IF FLICK HAS THE PAINTING, SHE WILL FIND OUT." "TELL HER TO COME IN." "HELGA, A MOMENT IF YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY." "I WAS JUST ORDERING SOME MORE AMMUNITION" "FOR THE LAST GREAT STAND." "ARE YOU ALL RIGHT FOR BULLETS AND HAND GRENADES?" " OUR DRAWERS ARE FULL." " SO ARE MINE." "FORGET THE HEROICS." "GRUBER AND I ARE THINKING OF AVOIDING DIRECT CONFLICT." "YOU MEAN DOING A RUNNER?" "SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES." "ONLY WE NEED MONEY." "WE NEED THE PAINTING." "FOR TWO YEARS NOW IT HAS BEEN MISSING." "I SUSPECT HERR FLICK, BUT HE WILL GIVE NOTHING AWAY," "DESPITE MY FEMININE WILES." "IF HE DOES HAVE IT, THIS IS HOW WE WILL FIND OUT." "YOU'LL GO TO SEE HIM, AND WHILE YOU ARE THERE," "GRUBER WILL PHONE AND PRETEND TO BE ONE" "OF HIMMLER'S RUTHLESS GESTAPO MEN." "WILL THAT BE A DEEP VOICE?" "ANY VOICE EXCEPT YOURS." "YOU WILL SAY THAT YOUR MEN ARE IN TOWN" "AND WILL CALL ANY MINUTE TO COLLECT THE PORTRAIT" "FOR THE FUHRER." "IF FLICK HAS IT, HE WILL PANIC" "AND HE'LL REVEAL ITS HIDING PLACE." "WISH ME LUCK." "WHAT EXCUSE DO WE GIVE FOR THE VISIT?" "I SHALL TELL HIM I HAVE A GIFT." " DO YOU NEED SOME PETTY CASH?" " NO." "I AM THE GIFT." "LET'S HOPE IT WORKS." " IF IT DOESN'T, WE'VE ONLY ONE CHOICE LEFT." " AND THAT IS?" "( high pitched ) THE HOTEL SARATOGA AT SEVILLE." "BY GEORGE, YOU'VE GOT IT." "I DO WISH YVETTE WOULD REMEMBER WHO THE SWINE WAS" "SO I COULD KILL HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS." "I CAN THINK OF NOTHING ELSE." "HOLD ME, RENE." "OH, HOW I WISH IT HAD BEEN ME." "IF IT HAD, RENE, WOULD YOU HAVE OFFERED TO HAVE MARRIED ME?" "OF COURSE I WOULD." "I CAN IMAGINE BREAKING THE NEWS TO YOU GENTLY." "YOU WOULD BE SITTING AT THE TABLE WRITING OUT THE MENU." "IN CASE YOU WONDERED WHERE I WAS, I'VE JUST BEEN TO SEE THE DOCTOR." "HAS HE GIVEN YOU SOME CREAM" "FOR THOSE CHAPPED LITTLE HANDS THAT SCRUB AND CLEAN, DAY AND NIGHT," "FOR A MERE PITTANCE SO YOU CAN BE NEAR THE MAN YOU LOVE?" "YES, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY," "HE HAS CONFIRMED WHAT I SUSPECTED FOR SOME TIME." "YOU HAVE HOUSEMAID'S KNEE." "I AM IN THE PUDDING CLUB." "LOOK." "GOOD HEAVENS." "ALMOST A FOUNDING MEMBER." " AND IT IS YOURS." " WHAT A SHOCK." "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" "WOULD YOU EXPECT ANYTHING LESS FROM A MAN OF HONOR?" "BUT WHAT ABOUT EDITH?" "AREN'T YOU AFRAID OF WHAT SHE MIGHT DO?" "AFTER ALL, SHE HAS SET HER HEART ON MARRYING YOU AGAIN." "SHE WOULD EXPECT ONLY THE BEST FROM ME." " EDITH." " Edith:" "YES, RENE." "I WILL BREAK IT GENTLY TO HER." "I DID NOT LIKE TO MENTION IT BEFORE," "BUT I HAVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MIMI OUR TRUSTED WAITRESS" "AND SHE IS SLIGHTLY PREGNANT." "SO I SEE." "OH, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH." "YOU WILL MARRY HER, OF COURSE." "YOU DO NOT MIND?" "YOU HAVE MY BLESSING." "HOW COULD I DENY A HERO OF THE RESISTANCE" "HIS JUST REWARD?" "AND I PROMISE NOT TO SHOOT MYSELF UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING" "BECAUSE I WOULD NOT LIKE TO SPOIL ANYTHING." "ALWAYS A SPORT." "3:00 THIS AFTERNOON." " AT THE CHURCH." " AT THE HOSPITAL." "QUICK, I MUST GET TO THE HOSPITAL." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MIMI?" "SORRY, RENE, I WAS DAYDREAMING." "OH, HOLD ME!" "FOR UNDER THIS BLOUSE, A LITTLE GIRL'S HEART IS BEATING" "AND I WOULD LIKE IT TO BEAT IN TIME WITH YOURS." "IT WILL HAVE TO SPEED UP A BIT." "NOW LOOK, YOU GO TO THE KITCHEN" "AND GIVE THAT DOUGH A GOOD KNEAD" "SO THAT THE BREAD WILL RISE PROPERLY." "I WILL THINK OF YOU WHILE I DO IT." "GOOD GIRL." " RENE, BACK ROOM." "QUICK." " WHAT IS IT?" "HOLD ME." "RENE, WHAT A TRICKY PREDICAMENT." "EVERYONE KNOWS, EXCEPT THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU AND I KNOW." "THEY MUST NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU AND I KNOW." "I KNOW, BUT I WANT TO SHOUT IT" "FROM THE ROOFTOPS." "WELL, TRY TO CONTROL YOURSELF, YVETTE." "THAT ROOF IS DANGEROUS." "DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ME OR NOT?" "OF COURSE." "I WILL MARRY YOU AFTER THE INVASION IS OVER." "YOU PROMISE, AS SOON AS THEY INVADE?" "SCOUT'S HONOR." "IF I STILL HAD MY WOGGLE I WOULD SWEAR ON IT." "RENE, HOLD ME." "HOLD US." "JUST FOR THE RECORD," "WAS IT THE BEDROOM OR THE BROOM CUPBOARD?" "THE BROOM CUPBOARD," "WHEN YOU BANGED YOUR HEAD." "OH YES, I REMEMBER." "IT WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS." "Man:" "Germany calling, Germany calling." "The glorious German Air Force continues to shoot down hundreds of enemy planes." "Our defenses are secure and the Fuhrer has decreed from his bunker that we shall be victorious." "The setbacks are minor and the Third Reich will flourish for 1000 years as promised." "( explosion )" "I would tell you more, but there's a minor air raid." "THAT WAS A NEAR ONE." "HELGA IS HERE, HERR FLICK." "QUITE A STRANGER." "I WAS JUST LISTENING TO THE RADIO." "BAD NEWS I SEE." "WE ARE FAILING TO TURN THE TIDE." "AS THIS BEING SO, WE MAY NOT HAVE LONG TO SAY GOODBYE." "SURELY WE'RE NOT FAILING THAT FAST." "NO, BUT VON SMALLHAUSEN AND I" "WILL NOT BE THE MOST POPULAR PEOPLE IN TOWN" "WHEN THE ALLIES INVADE, AND WE INTEND TO MAKE OURSELVES SCARCE." "WHAT WILL YOU USE FOR MONEY?" "SELL SOMETHING?" "WE HAVE NOTHING TO SELL." "I HAVE HERE THE GESTAPO FORGERY KIT," "WHICH TURNS OUT NOT UNREASONABLE FACSIMILES" "OF MOST CURRENCIES." "UNFORTUNATELY, WE CANNOT GET THE CORRECT PAPER." "SO WE ARE PRACTICING ON THE ROLLS FROM THE POWDER ROOM." "IT WILL NOT BE EASY PASSING ESCUDOS NOTES" "STAMPED WITH THE WORD "BOGSAN."" "NEVERTHELESS, I'M SURE THEY WILL COME IN HANDY FOR SOMETHING." "( telephone rings )" "(deep voice ) OTTO FLICK," "THIS IS GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS, BERLIN." "OUR BEST MEN ARE ABOUT TO CALL ON YOU" "TO COLLECT THE PORTRAIT OF THE FALLEN MADONNA" "FOR THE FUHRER." "HAND IT OVER OR YOU WILL BE SHOT!" "EXCELLENT." "IT SENT A SHIVER DOWN MY SPINE." "MINE TOO." "WHAT IS IT, HERR FLICK?" "YOU HAVE GONE QUITE WHITE." "SOMETHING THAT SENT A SHIVER DOWN MY SPINE." " HELGA, YOU MUST HELP ME." " OF COURSE." "CONTRARY TO WHAT I RECENTLY SAID," "I DO HAVE THE PORTRAIT OF THE FALLEN MADONNA." "ROUGH GESTAPO MEN WILL BE HERE ANY MOMENT TO COLLECT IT." "MESS UP THE OFFICE." "IT WILL LOOK AS THOUGH THE RESISTANCE HAVE RAIDED US AND STOLEN THE PAINTING." "NOW, HELGA," "YOU MUST HANDCUFF VON SMALLHAUSEN AND ME SITTING AT THESE CHAIRS." "I WILL HIDE THE KEY IN MY SHOE." " WHERE IS THE PAINTING?" " IT IS IN A SAFE PLACE." "WOULD IT NOT BE BETTER, HERR FLICK," "IF I TOOK IT FOR SAFEKEEPING?" "NO." "NOW TAKE MY TRUNCHEON FROM THE DESK" "AND GENTLY KNOCK ME OUT." "IT WILL ADD REALISM TO OUR TALE." "CAN I TAKE AN ASPIRIN FIRST?" "THERE IS NO TIME." " I CANNOT DO IT." " HURRY, IT IS AN ORDER." "VERY WELL, HERR FLICK." " VON SMALLHAUSEN." " HURRY!" "HOW CAN I, WHEN I LOVE YOU?" "WHAT?" "IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN YOU." "WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME?" "ENGELBERT." "IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN YOU, BERTIE." "HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED HOW I HAVE ENDURED HERR FLICK'S EMBRACES?" "BUT WHO WAS I STARING AT OVER HIS SHOULDER?" " WHO?" " YOU, YOU LITTLE FOOL." "HOW COULD ANY WOMAN RESIST" "THOSE BIG LIQUID BROWN EYES?" "GRAY, THEY'RE GRAY." "DEEP DOWN YOU MUST HAVE KNOWN." "WELL, DEEP DOWN I DID." "BUT IT WAS SO DEEP," "I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A RUMOR." "TELL ME, DARLING," "WHERE'S THE PAINTING?" "I'LL HIDE IT FOR US UNTIL AFTER THE WAR." "I'M SITTING ON IT, DARLING." " SIT UP, ALBERT." " OOH, OOH!" "ENGELBERT." " WHERE'S THE CATCH?" " IT'S UNDER THE SEAT" "BETWEEN MY LEGS." "OOH, OOH, OOH!" "I'LL HIDE IT UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN." "ONE KISS BEFORE YOU DO WHAT YOU MUST?" "I CAN'T." "OH, WHAT THE HELL!" "I DO NOT THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA." "MAYBE WE SHALL FIND OUT THE TRUTH." "YES, AND WHEN WE KNOW WHO DID THE DOOD," "HE WILL MARRY YOU OR FACE THE QUINCYQUONCES." "I'M SORRY I'M LATE." "I'VE HAD A TERRIBLE SHOCK." "A STIFF CLIMBED OUT OF HIS COFFIN AND WENT HOME." "I WAS SURE HE WAS DEAD." "BUT I WAS SITTING IN THE MORTUARY" "WORKING OUT THE BILL, TALKING OUT LOUD" "AND THE FINAL FIGURE" "MUST HAVE JUMPSTARTED HIS HEART." "I NEED A DRINK." "NOW, MONSIEUR ALFONSE," "CAN YOU HYPNOTIZE THIS GIRL?" "SHE HAS INFORMATION LOCKED DEEP IN HER SUBCONSCIOUS." "OH, NO!" "WAS THIS THE RESULT OF ONE" "OF YOUR FREQUENT TRIPS UP THE STAIRS, MADEMOISELLE?" "I EXPECT SO." "WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE AT NIGHT?" "PLEASE GET ON WITH IT." "WE HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH AND MANY PREPARATIONS TO MAKE." " RENE, DO NOT LEAVE." " HE MUST." " OH NO, NOT NOW." " PLEASE CONCENTRATE." "NOW YOU ARE GOING INTO A DEEP SLEEP..." "DEEPER, DEEPER." "YOU CANNOT RESIST MY CROAKY VOICE." "YOU WILL BE ENTIRELY UNDER MY CONTROL." "NOD IF YOU UNDERSTAND." "WHO IS THE MAN YOU LAST ENTERTAINED" "HOW CAN I PUT THIS DELICATELY?" "( clears throat ) IN A NAUGHTY WAY?" " THE BUTCHER." " THE BAKER." "THE CANDLESTICK MAKER." "NOT ALL AT ONCE." "DID I SAY SOMETHING?" "NOTHING WE DID NOT KNOW." " IS THE BUTCHER THE FATHER?" " NO." "CAN YOU DESCRIBE HIM?" "HE WEARS A STRIPED APRON" "AND A STRAW HAT." "NOT THE BUTCHER." "WHO IS THE FATHER OF THE LITTLE ONE?" " IT IS-- - ( sneezes )" "I'M VERY VERY SORRY." "IT IS THE DUST." "PLEASE, MADEMOISELLE, THINK QUICKLY" " BEFORE YOU GO TOO DEEP." " OHHH!" "SHE HAS FAINTED." "MY POWER IS TOO GREAT." "WE WILL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW." "GOOD IDEA." "NOW LET US CLEAR UP THE CAFE." "THERE ARE CUSTOMERS COMING." "COME ON." "WE WILL TAKE HER TO THE KITCHEN AND PUT HER HEAD UNDER THE TAP." "WHAT ABOUT HIM?" "SUCH GREAT POWER." "MONSIEUR, WAKE UP." "I HAVE BEEN IN A DEEP TRENCE," "DURING WHICH I HAD A DEEP THUNK." "REALLY?" "WHAT DID YOU THUNK?" "NOTHING." "MY MIND WAS A BLINK." "BE AT THE LONG MEADOW WHEN THE MOON IS FULL." "WE NEED ALL THE LANDING LIGHTS WE CAN GET." "SO BRING YOUR POLICEMAN'S BICYCLE." "WHAT BERCYCLE?" "AND WHY AM I DRESSED AS A POLUCEMAN?" "AND WHY AM I SPOOKING FLUENT FRANCH?" "I WILL EXPLAIN IT ALL LATER." "PERHAPS I'LL FEEL BITTER" "IF I LIE DOWN FOR A BOT." "WELL, HELGA, DID OUR PLAN WORK?" "PERFECTLY, COLONEL." "I STOLE IT FROM HIS SECRET HIDING PLACE." "BETTER THAN WE EXPECTED." "HAND IT OVER." "WHAT'S THIS?" "THERE'S A BOOBY MISSING." " I HAVE IT SAFELY HIDDEN." " WHAT?" "I'M NOT SURE YOU WILL CUT ME IN ON THE PROCEEDS OF THE SALE." "SO I AM KEEPING THE BOOBY AS SECURITY." "WHEN YOU FIND A BUYER, I WILL REUNITE THE BOOBY" "WITH THE REST OF THE PAINTING." "HELGA, SURELY YOU TRUST US." "NOT ON YOUR NELLIE." "HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE KNOWN UNLESS YOU" "I WAS OUT COLD." "I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU." "AND TO FIND OUT EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED," "I PROPOSE TO USE THIS." "WHAT IS THAT, HERR FLICK?" "A NEW TRUTH SERUM EXTRACTED" "FROM THE FEMALE PATAGONIAN FIREFLY" "AT THE HEIGHT OF THE MATING SEASON." "ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE." "IT IS EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE" "AND HAS ONLY SLIGHT SIDE EFFECTS." "NOW THE SECRET" "OF A SUCCESSFUL INJECTION IS SURPRISE." "HOLD OUT YOUR ARM." "( screams )" "THAT WAS A SURPRISE." "NOW TELL ME THE TRUTH." "SUDDENLY, I CAN HOLD NOTHING BACK." "HELGA REVEALED THAT SHE LOVED ME." "SHE ALWAYS HAS." "SHE TOOK THE PAINTING AFTER I TOLD HER WHERE IT WAS." "AFTER THE WAR, WE ARE TO BE TOGETHER FOR ALWAYS." "DUNDERHEAD, YOU HAVE BEEN DUPED." "THAT PHONE CALL WAS A HOAX." "SHE WANTED ONLY THE PAINTING." "DAMN, NOW I WILL HAVE TO BE NICE TO HER" "TO GET IT BACK." " I THOUGHT SHE LOVED ME." " WHAT RUBBISH." "I FEEL GIDDY." "I MUST LIE DOWN." "IS THAT THE SIDE EFFECT?" "THAT IS ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE SERUM EXTRACTED" "FROM THE PATAGONIAN FIREFLY AT THE HEIGHT OF THE MATING SEASON," "BUT NOT THE MAIN ONE." "WHEN IS THAT DUE?" "ABOUT NOW." "RENE, DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO ENGLAND?" "I MUST." "IT IS MY DUTY FOR FRANCE." "NOW TRY TO HOLD ON AND MAKE SURE THAT MONSIEUR ALFONSE" "DOES NOT HYPNOTIZE YOU AGAIN." "I HAD A TIN TACK PRESSED IN MY HAND." "I WAS IN CONTROL." "I WILL NEVER REVEAL THAT YOU ARE THE FATHER" "UNTIL YOU ARE SAFELY ON YOUR WAY TO ENGLAND." "AND THEN I SHALL PROUDLY ANNOUNCE IT" "AND OUR INTENDED MARRIAGE." "WELL, IF YOU ARE GOING TO JUMP THE GUN," "WHEN I AM IN THE AIR WILL BE THE BEST TIME." "OTHERWISE, I COULD BE DELAYED WHEN MY COUNTRY NEEDS ME." "THIS IS FROM MADAME EDITH." "SHE IS READY FOR HER CABARET." "THIS IS HER INTRODUCTION." "OH MY GOD." "SHE'S DOING THE TURKISH NUMBER." "YOU MUST SAY FAREWELL IN THE BACKROOM." " I WILL LEAVE BY THE WINDOW DURING IT." " RIGHT." "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN" "AND OFFICERS," "IT IS CABARET TIME AT CAFE RENE." "AND TONIGHT, MADAME EDITH WISHES" "TO GIVE YOU ALL THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT." "AND SO MAY I ASK FOR THE WARMEST OF WELCOMES" "FOR THE HARLOT OF THE HAREM," "THE CONCUBINE OF CONSTANTINOPLE," "THE TEMPTRESS FROM TURKEY" "WITH THE EMPHASIS ON THE TURKEY" "MADAME EDITH!" " ( piano playing )" " QUICK, THE CHEESE BOARD!" "♪ I'M YOUR TURKISH DELIGHT ♪" "♪ AND I WAIT EVERY NIGHT IN MY ROOM ♪" "♪ THEY ALL KNOCK ON THE DOOR ♪" "♪ AND SHOULD YOU APPEAR ♪" "♪ YOU HAVE NO NEED TO FEAR ♪" "♪ WE'D BE ON OUR OWN, THAT'S FOR SURE ♪" "♪ IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE ♪" "♪ MY BIG HUBBA-BUBBLE ♪" "♪ WILL QUICKLY PUT YOU IN THE MOOD ♪" "♪ IT NEVER FAILS ♪" "♪ WHEN I TAKE OFF MY VEILS ♪" "♪ AND OFFER SOME EXOTIC FOOD... ♪" "THAT REMINDS ME," "DID YOU ORDER THOSE TWO EXTRA BARRAGE BALLOONS?" "FAREWELL, MY LOVE." "I MUST MOUNT MY BICYCLE AND JOIN MICHELLE AND THE GIRLS." "HAVE YOU ANY LAST WORDS FOR ME?" "OH YES, YOU CAN USE MY BICYCLE WHILE I AM AWAY." "♪ NOW HAVE A QUICK DRINK AND BEFORE YOU CAN BLINK ♪" "♪ I AM SUDDENLY DOWN TO JUST TWO ♪" "♪ WHEN THE TIME'S RIGHT YOU'LL HAVE TURKISH DELIGHT ♪" "♪ IN A MANNER THAT'S DARING AND NEW ♪" "♪ WITH SIX VEILS GONE ♪" "♪ YOU CAN SHOUT, "CARRY ON" ♪" "♪ WITH JUST ONE VEIL TWIXT ME AND A BLUSH ♪" "♪ I THINK I'LL RETIRE NOW THAT I'VE LIT YOUR FIRE ♪" "♪ I'LL BE WAITING UPSTAIRS ♪" "♪ FOR THE RUSH!" "♪" "WE MUST TRY NOT TO GET KILLED IN THE STAMPEDE." "( panting )" " WHERE ARE THEY?" " ( squawking )" "OH YES, THE SECRET SIGNAL." "WHAT A RIGMAROLE." "( makes birdcall )" "DAMN, A REAL OWL." " YOU ARE LATE." " I HAD A PUNCTURE." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THOSE LITTLE SHORTS?" "IF WE ARE STOPPED, MY GIRLS ARE I ARE PRACTICING" "FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE WHEN THE WAR IS OVER." "AND WHAT IS MY EXCUSE?" "YOU ARE TIMING US." "( whistles )" "WILL I BE TIMING YOU FROM THE FRONT OR THE REAR?" "FROM THE FRONT WITH ME." "QUICK, TO THE FIELD." "OFFICER CRABTREE IS WAITING FOR US." "( gears grinding )" "MIND MY GEARBOX, COLONEL." "IT IS NOT WISE TO TRY FOR REVERSE" "AT THIS SPEED." "Colonel von Strohm:" "GRUBER, WHAT'S GOING ON?" "JUST RENE PURSUING GIRLS AGAIN." "I DO NOT KNOW WHERE HE GETS THE ENERGY." "WHERE IS THE PLANE?" "I AM SURE GRUBER KNEW IT WAS ME." "DON'T PANIC." "WE LEFT THAT TANK MILES BEHIND." "AS SOON AS WE HEAR THE EARCRAFT ENGINES," "THE GIRLS WILL PIDDLE." "THIS WILL MAKE THEIR LUMPS LIGHT UP" "AND GUIDE THE EARCRAFT TO THIS FOLD." "WE ARE LISTENING INTENTLY." "( airplane humming )" "I THINK I CAN HEAR IT IN THE DISTANCE." "ATTENTION, LUDIES." "CAN YOU ALL SEE MY TITCH?" "Bikers:" "YES!" "THE PIDDLE WHEN I FLASH IT." "GRUBER, CAN YOU SEE INTO HELGA'S ROOM?" "YES, THE CURTAINS ARE OPEN." "SHE IS PREPARING FOR BED." "ANY SIGN OF THE MISSING BOOBY?" "NOT THE MISSING ONE, NO." " ( airplane humming )" " LISTEN, AN AIRPLANE." "COLONEL, IT IS AN OLD BIPLANE" "WITH BRITISH MARKINGS." "THE INVASION HAS STARTED." "IT'S COMING IN TO LAND." "SHOOT IT DOWN WITH YOUR BIG GUN." "HOLD MY BINOCULARS." "HURRY UP, GRUBER." "I'M TRYING TO GET ONE UP THE SPOUT." "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE ONE UP THE SPOUT." "DAMN IT, YOU'RE TOO LATE!" "HE'S GONE PAST." "NO NO!" "HE'S TURNING." "HE'S COMING BACK." "QUICK, TAKE AIM." "I AM TAKING AIM!" "WELL, TAKE AIM QUICKER." "YOU'RE PUTTING ME OFF." "PUT YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR FAT EARS AND BE QUIET." "GRUBER, HOW DARE YOU!" " IT IS HIT!" " THE WHEEL HAS COME OFF." "WE SHALL NOT BE LEAVING TONIGHT." "MY GOD, I MUST GET BACK TO THE CAFE." "I HIT IT." "I HIT IT." "I HIT IT!" "IT'S STILL FLYING." "OH, DEAR." "I HOPE THE PILOT DID NOT GET THE NUMBER" "OF THIS LITTLE TANK." "WHEN THEY INVADE, THEY'LL BE VERY CROSS." "( playing slow-tempo dance tune )" "DO NOT WORRY, MADAME EDITH." "I WILL LOOK AFTER YOU WHILE HE IS AWAY, HUH?" "I MIGHT EVEN TAKE A ROOM HERE." "THAT WOULD BE TEMPTING FATE." "ON SECOND THOUGHT," "I COULD MAKE UP THE BED IN THE ROOM NEXT TO MINE." "YOU COULD STAY OVER IF YOU LIKE." "MY DICKY TICKER IS RACING AT THE THOUGHT." " ( gongs ) - ( piano stops )" "I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE." "IN CASE ANYONE HAS NOT HEARD," "I AM WITH CHILD." "AND THE FATHER IS" "WELL, YES YES, GO ON." "AND THE FATHER IS" "UNKNOWN!" " SHAME!" " SHAME SHAME!" "OH, THE SHAME." "YOU HAVE MISSED YOUR PLANE?" "A LOT OF THE PLANE JUST MISSED ME." "DO YOU MIND?" "MY BACK HAS ONLY BEEN TURNED FOR HALF AN HOUR." "( piano playing )" "RENE, WE WERE JUST ABOUT TO FIND OUT" "WHO THE FATHER WAS." "MAYBE TOMORROW, EDITH, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER DAY." "YOU ARE LEADING AGAIN." "SORRY, RENE." "( theme music playing )" "( theme music playing )" "THE FRENCH WERE RANDY, THE GERMANS WERE KINKY" "AND THE ENGLISH WERE STUPID." "SOMETIMES AN EPISODE CONSISTED OF JUST GOING, "HELLO."" " HELLO." " HELLO." "IT WAS LIKE A WONDERFUL PIECE OF FARCE, YOU KNOW?" "CLEVER STUFF." "GOOD MOANING." "HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET, DOING A JOB YOU LIKE?" "DOING IT AND GETTING A FEW BOB FOR IT?" "IT WENT ON FOR LONGER THAN THE WAR." " HEIL HITLER!" " HEIL HITLER!" "'TLER!" "Narrator:" "IN THE 1980s, "'ALLO 'ALLO!" BECAME" "ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SITCOMS IN HISTORY." "16 MILLION VIEWERS FOLLOWED" "THE FARCICAL STORY OF A CAFE OWNER'S EXPLOITS" "IN OCCUPIED FRANCE." "IT SOLD TO MORE COUNTRIES THAN EITHER "MONTY PYTHON" OR "FAWLTY TOWERS."" "HOW'S THAT FOR NOT MENTIONING THE WAR?" "IT WAS THE CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT OF THE WRITING TEAM" "OF JEREMY LLOYD AND DAVID CROFT," "WHOSE CAREERS EMBRACED THE WHOLE HISTORY OF SHOW BIZ." "THE STORY OF "'ALLO 'ALLO!" STARTS WAY BEFORE THE WAR." "DAVID CROFT'S PARENTS WERE MUSIC HALL STARS," "AND WHEN MOVIES CAME ALONG" "HE MADE HIS BIG SCREEN ACTING DEBUT IN 1929" "ALONGSIDE HIS MOTHER ANNIE." "I WAS ONLY ABOUT SIX OR SEVEN." "I REMEMBER THE DIRECTOR SORT OF SHOUTING AT ME THROUGH A MEGAPHONE," "IT WAS THAT LONG AGO." "Narrator:" "BUT AFTER MAKING THE FLOUR COMMERCIAL," "DAVID REALIZED HIS TIME WOULD BE BETTER SPENT BEHIND THE CAMERA." "Croft:" "AS A WRITER, YOU GET INVITED TO LUNCH," "AND I PREFERRED THAT, OF COURSE." "BUT IT WAS JUST A MATTER OF I WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH ACTOR" "TO SUCCEED IN THE LONG TERM, YOU KNOW." "SO THE WRITING AND THE DIRECTING CAME UP FIRST." "Narrator:" "THE FUTURE BBC UBER-PRODUCER'S CAREER" "ACTUALLY BEGAN AT TYNE TEES TV" "WORKING ON THE ENORMOUSLY POPULAR "ONE O'CLOCK SHOW,"" "WHICH BROUGHT OLD-FASHIONED VARIETY TO DAYTIME TELEVISION." "AND THEY WERE LONG SHOWS." "THEY WOULD GO ON 40, 45, 50 MINUTES." "AND THEY HAD LOTS OF SUPER PRODUCTION NUMBERS" "AND VERY GOOD SINGERS AND SKETCHES AND COMEDY SKETCHES." "THAT COMMISSIONER, YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY NOTICE OF HIM." " HE'S BALMY." " GO ON." "WELL, DEPENDING WHAT FILM THEY'RE SHOWING HERE," " IT SEEMS TO AFFECT HIM." " HUH?" "LAST WEEK THEY HAD A COWBOY FILM." "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM." "HE CAME ALONG THE QUEUE LIKE THIS... ( American accent ) "WELL THERE, PARTNERS." "WE JUST GOT ROOM FOR ONE IN THE OLD CORRAL." "YOU REALLY LEARNT YOUR BUSINESS PROPERLY THERE." "Narrator:" "WHILE DAVID CROFT WAS LEARNING HIS TELEVISION TRADE," "JEREMY LLOYD'S JOURNEY INTO TV WAS MORE UNORTHODOX." "HE WORKED AS A METAL-SORTER AND PLUMBER'S MATE" "BEFORE HIS CAREER SPARKED TO LIFE" "WHEN HE LANDED A PRIZED POSITION IN A LIGHT BULB FACTORY." "THIS WAS A JOB MUCH SOUGHT-AFTER" "BECAUSE THE WINDOW WAS THE ONLY ONE" "THAT LOOKED INTO THE PALMOLIVE FACTORY" "WHERE THE GIRLS' CHANGING ROOM WAS." "WELL, NOT THAT I GOT IT FOR THAT, OF COURSE." "Narrator:" "PERHAPS IT WAS THE VIEW OF THE PALMOLIVE FACTORY" "THAT INSPIRED JEREMY TO WRITE HIS FIRST SCRIPT." "NEVER ONE TO MISS AN OPPORTUNITY," "HE CHARMED HIS WAY INTO A STORY MEETING" "WITH EXECS AT PINEWOOD STUDIOS." "Lloyd:" "THEY WERE QUITE AMUSED, I THINK." ""THIS IS MR. J.J. LLOYD, APPARENTLY," "WHO'S NEVER WRITTEN BEFORE, HAS WRITTEN A WONDERFUL FILM." "HE'S GOING TO READ IT TO US, AREN'T YOU?"" "I SAID, "YES, ABSOLUTELY." "ARE YOU READY?"" "SAID, "YEAH." I READ IT." "AND THEY SAID, "WELL, ACTUALLY, WE'RE LOOKING FOR A FILM FOR ADAM FAITH."" "CAN YOU GET THAT SOUND AGAIN?" "WELL, I'LL TRY." "( vibrating )" "WHAT A WONDERFUL BOTTOM NOTE!" "( vibrating )" "SO I STARTED OFF" "IN A VERY LUCKY WAY, I WOULD SAY." "Narrator:" "AFTER BREAKING INTO THE MOVIES," "JEREMY'S CHEEKY GRIN AND SUAVE MANNER" "SOON BROUGHT HIM PARTS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA" "IN FILMS WHOSE TITLES AT LEAST WERE MEMORABLE" ""AFTERNOON OF A NYMPH,"" ""OPERATION SNATCH,"" "AND "THE WRONG BOX."" "JEREMY'S SPECIALTY BEING A KIND OF UPPER-CRUST ENGLISHMAN." "I WOULD SAY A CHINLESS WONDER," "YOU KNOW, BASICALLY." "SORT OF, "HELLO, I JUST ARRIVED." "HELLO, I KNOW NOTHING."" " MRS. EMMA PEEL." " HOW DO YOU DO?" "BERTRAM FORTESCUE WINTHROP SMITH, TO BE ABSOLUTELY ACCURATE." "SUCH A NAME IS A TERRIBLE DISADVANTAGE IN THIS BUSINESS." "AFTER ALL, WHOEVER HEARD OF ANYONE HAVING THEIR CHIMNEY SWEPT" "BY A FORTESCUE WINTHROP SMITH?" "YEAH, I COULD DO THAT QUITE EASILY" "BECAUSE I KNEW A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE THAT." "Narrator:" "WHILE JEREMY CORNERED THE CHINLESS MARKET," "DAVID CROFT WAS PLOWING A BROAD FURROW OF HIS OWN" "AFTER MOVING THE BBC'S LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTMENT" "AND PRODUCING "THE BENNY HILL SHOW."" "HE ALSO PICKED UP A FEW TRICKS OF THE TRADE" "BY STUDYING OTHER BBC SHOWS," "PARTICULARLY GALTON AND SIMPSON'S "STEPTOE AND SON."" "THE PARTICULAR THING I LEARNED FROM GALTON AND SIMPSON" "WAS REACTION COMEDY." "ALL MY COMEDY IS REACTION COMEDY." "IT ISN'T THE LINE THAT'S IMPORTANT," "IT'S WHAT THE PERSON IT'S BEING SAID TO REACTS" "THEIR REACTION IS THE IMPORTANT THING." "Narrator:" "THE GALTON AND SIMPSON MASTER CLASS" "PAID OFF IN SPADES WHEN DAVID CAME TO CO-WRITE A SITCOM" "WITH JIMMY PERRY." "IT MAY HAVE BEEN SET IN WORLD WAR II," "BUT "DAD'S ARMY" BECAME A TIMELESS CLASSIC." "WE'LL SIMPLY BE GOING THROUGH ON THE ROYAL TRAIN," "CAMOUFLAGED, OF COURSE." "EXCUSE ME, SIR." "IS THE TRAIN CAMOUFLAGED," "OR IS THE KING CAMOUFLAGED?" "Croft:" "IT'S WHAT MAINWARING REACTS TO" "WHAT WILSON IS SAYING THAT'S" "ALL THE LAUGHS COME FROM THAT SORT OF ASPECT, REALLY." "Narrator:" "DAVID'S CAREER BLOSSOMED" "AS HE MINED A RICH VEIN OF NOSTALGIA." "MEANWHILE, JEREMY LLOYD'S RAKE'S PROGRESS" "TOOK HIM TO BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN BURBANK" "AND "ROWAN AND MARTIN'S LAUGH-IN,"" "WHERE HIS QUICK WIT BROUGHT HIM TOGETHER" "WITH AMERICA'S DITSY COMEDY SWEETHEART." "EVERYBODY LOVED GOLDIE." "I SAID, "LOOK, DO I EVER GET TO KISS YOU?"" "SHE SAID, "WELL, YOU BETTER WRITE IT IN."" "GOLDIE, THERE'S SOMETHING I SIMPLY MUST DO" "ON BEHALF OF ENGLISHMEN EVERYWHERE." " WHAT'S THAT?" " WILL YOU WATCH CLOSELY?" " MM-HM." " RIGHT." "MM!" "AH!" "WELL, CHAPS, PUT THAT IN YOUR BROLLIES AND FOLD THEM." "WE THOUGHT IT WAS TERRIFIC." "REALLY ANNOYED A LOT OF FRIENDS BACK HOME, YOU KNOW?" "Narrator:" "THEY WERE EVEN MORE ANNOYED WHEN JEREMY CAME BACK" "AND MARRIED JOANNA LUMLEY." "THEIR MARRIAGE DIDN'T LAST AS LONG AS THE SERIES THEY MADE TOGETHER," "BUT IT DID LEAD TO A MORE SUCCESSFUL PARTNERSHIP BETWEEN LLOYD AND CROFT." "COME ON, THE PARTY'S OVER." "WE STARTED WORKING TOGETHER" "BECAUSE HE WAS IN A SHOW" "CALLED, "IT'S AWFULLY BAD FOR YOUR EYES, DARLING," WHICH JILLY COOPER WROTE." " COME ON, I'LL HELP YOU." " OH, CAREFUL, DARLING." " OH!" " THERE WE ARE." "STOP!" "I THINK I'VE HAD A STROKE!" "MY LEG'S GONE DEAD." "Narrator:" ""AWFULLY BAD," AS IT WAS KNOWN FOR SHORT," "WAS THE COMPOST FROM WHICH A WHOLE SITCOM ERA GREW." "WE GOT ON VERY WELL TOGETHER." "AND IN THE COURSE OF CHATTING TO HIM," "HE SAID, "WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING." I SAID, "WELL, I'VE GOT AN IDEA." "HOW ABOUT A DEPARTMENT STORE?" "MOSTLY THE GENT-- GENTLEMEN'S PART" "OF A DEPARTMENT STORE." 'CAUSE HE USED TO WORK AT SIMPSON'S-IN-THE-STRAND." "HE SAID, "HAVE YOU GOT ANY WRITTEN DOWN?"" "I SAID, "YES, ACTUALLY, I HAVE."" "HE SAID, "WELL, BRING IT OVER." "LET'S READ IT."" "SO HE READ IT AND SAID, "WELL, WHEN DO YOU WANT TO START?"" " ( cash register ringing ) - ( theme music playing )" "Narrator:" "DAVID CROFT'S TRADEMARK" "LARGE CAST OF COMEDY ACTORS" "BROUGHT JEREMY LLOYD'S BRIGHTLY-COLORED CHARACTERS TO LIFE." "AND GRACE BROTHERS KEPT RECORD NUMBERS OF CHARACTERS HAPPY" " OVER 10 SERIES OF..." " ARE YOU BEING SERVED?" "Narrator:" "AND WHEN ACTOR GORDEN KAYE TURNED UP TO PLAY A BIT PART," "HE SHOWED HE COULD TALK CROFT AND LLOYD'S LANGUAGE." ""COULD I PLAY SCOTCH?"" "IN GOD NAME-- IN GOD'S NAME, WHY?" "I SAID, "WELL, I COULD HAVE A POP-UP SPORRAN."" "NOW WATCH." "MY FRIENDS CALL ME CANDID CAMERON." "WELL, IF YOU WEAR THIS, THEY'LL CALL YOU GABARDINE ANGUS." "HE WAS NOT FAZED AT ALL WHEN HE CAME INTO "ARE YOU BEING SERVED?"" "WITH SOME QUITE NATIONAL HEROES, YOU KNOW." "THEY WERE WELL-KNOWN COMEDY PLAYERS." "BUT HE STUCK UP FOR HIS BIT." "Narrator:" "IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY GORDEN POPPED UP OUT OF THE BLUE," "DAVID AND JEREMY CAST HIM AS A NEWS READER" "IN THEIR FUTURISTIC MOLLIE SUGDEN SPIN-OFF, "COME BACK MRS. NOAH."" "THE SERIES DIDN'T, BUT THE CAST INCLUDED EX-"BENNY HILL" GIRL," "VICKI MICHELLE." "I REMEMBER I WAS SORT OF SPRAYED GOLD," "BECAUSE I WAS A ROBOT" "AND THEY WANTED ME TO SORT OF HAVE A ROBOT BODY." "THIS IS AN ORDER." "YOU WILL TAKE THE TOP OFF." "SHE WAS WONDERFUL, ACTUALLY." "SHE WAS VERY SEXY" "AND VERY FUNNY AND SHE TOOK TO IT WONDERFULLY." "BUT ALL THESE PEOPLE GO-- GO INTO ONE'S MIND." "AND WHEN YOU'RE CASTING AGAIN, WHICH DAVID DOES VERY WELL," "YOU THINK, "OH, WOULDN'T IT BE WONDERFUL TO HAVE, YOU KNOW," "GORDEN KAYE, VICKI MICHELLE?" "WHO ELSE?" WHATEVER." "AS LONG AS YOU'VE GOT THE VEHICLE." "Narrator:" "SO WHAT CROFT AND LLOYD NEEDED" "WAS A SHOW THAT USED THE COMPONENTS OF THEIR PREVIOUS SUCCESSES," "THE EXPERT TEAM PLAYING OF "DAD'S ARMY,"" "THE NONSTOP PACE OF "ROWAN AND MARTIN'S LAUGH-IN,"" "AND THE IN-YOUR-FACE DOUBLE ENTENDRE" "FROM "ARE YOU BEING SERVED?" IN OTHER WORDS," "THE ESSENTIAL INGREDIENTS OF CLASSIC FARCE." "SURELY A DODDLE FROM THE MIND THAT GAVE US MRS. SLOCOMBE'S PUSSY." "I STARTED WRITING THE THING WITH DAVID," "WHICH WASN'T GOING THAT WELL" "FOR EITHER OF US, REALLY." "SORT OF "UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS."" "WE WERE BUSY ON THE DOWNSTAIRS BIT" "AND AFTER THREE DAYS I REALLY WASN'T ENJOYING IT." "SO WE FINISHED FOR THE DAY." "BY MIDNIGHT I FOUND MYSELF LYING UNDER THE DINING ROOM TABLE" "A GOOD PLACE TO BE-- RUNNING THROUGH THE ALPHABET." "AND I GOT TO "R" AND I THOUGHT," ""YES." "OR MAYBE 'F.'" "THE FRENCH RESISTANCE, THAT'S GOOD." "WE CAN DO SOMETHING ON THAT." AND PHONED HIM UP." "AND IT WAS SORT OF, DEFINITELY MIDNIGHT OR AFTER." "HE WAS IN BED, I THINK HE WAS ASLEEP." "HE WOKE UP AND SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"" "CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA, SAID, "WHY DON'T WE SORT OF TAKE" "THE PISS OUT OF AN ARMY-TYPE SHOW?"" "SO IT WAS SORT OF A "DAD'S ARMY" GROUP OF GERMANS" "IN A LITTLE PART OF FRANCE" "WHERE NOTHING WAS HAPPENING." "AND THAT'S HOW IT STARTED." "Narrator:" "SO THEY HAD A SUBJECT," "A SETTING, THE TITLE "'ALLO 'ALLO!"" "AND A SCRIPT WHICH THEY SENT TO THEIR CHOSEN LEADING MAN GORDEN KAYE" "WHO GOT HOLD OF THE WRONG END OF "ZE STICK."" ""'ALLO 'ALLO!" "' PLAYING RENE?" "IS THIS ABOUT THE BACKSTAGE ANGST" "OF A FEMALE IMPERSONATOR?"" "I THINK EVEN FOR DAVID..." "( inhales )" "OOH, NO." "( theme music playing )" "Narrator:" "WELL, FEMALE IMPERSONATORS DID COME INTO IT." "BUT WHEN THE SERIES OF "'ALLO 'ALLO!" STARTED IN 1984," "RENE ARTOIS RAN A CAFE, THE HUB OF LIFE" "IN THE QUIET VILLAGE OF NOUVION DURING THE GERMAN OCCUPATION." "I THINK THE STAGING ROOM FOR ANY TELEVISION SHOW" "HAS TO" " HAS TO BE A CENTRAL FOCUS" "OF WHERE THE THING IS ALL TAKING PART." "Narrator:" "LIKE RICK'S IN "CASABLANCA,"" "CAFE RENE IS A MAGNET FOR ALL." "IT IS I, LeCLERC." "WELL, WELL." "Narrator:" "A SOCIAL WHIRLPOOL" "WHERE CUSTOMERS ATE, DRANK, OGLED THE WAITRESSES" "AND WERE ENTERTAINED BY RENE'S WIFE EDITH." "( sings off-key )" "( glass shatters )" "Narrator:" "HARASSED BY HIS BED RIDDEN MOTHER-IN-LAW UPSTAIRS..." " AHHH!" " SHUT UP, YOU SILLY OLD BAT!" "Narrator: ..." "DOWNSTAIRS, RENE PRESIDES OVER CHAOTIC SCENES OF ESPIONAGE..." "SOMEONE IS COMING!" "I WILL RECEDE DOWN THE BACK PASSAGE." " ..." "TREACHERY..." " IF I WANT TO SHOOT YOU," "I ONLY HAVE TO SAY THE WORD." " "FIRE." - ..." "AND ADULTERY." "PROMISE ME THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME BETWEEN US." "I AM DOING MY BEST." "YOU HAVE TO HAVE SOMEWHERE WHERE PEOPLE CAN GATHER" "AND PLOT AND PLAN." "YES, ABSOLUTELY." "PLOTTING AND PLANNING IS ALWAYS GOOD IN SHOWS." "Narrator:" "MOST OF THE PLOTTING AND PLANNING" "REVOLVED AROUND THE PRICELESS PAINTING" "OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES." "IT WAS STOLEN FROM HITLER BY TWO GERMAN OFFICERS," "COLONEL VON STROHM AND CAPTAIN HANS GEERING," "WHO DECIDED ON RENE'S CAFE AS A HIDING PLACE." "HOWEVER, I AM PREPARED TO OVERLOOK THIS," "IF YOU WILL AGREE TO HIDE A FEW LITTLE ARTICLES" "AND A WORTHLESS PICTURE FROM THE CHATEAU." "AH, IS IT THE RECLINING MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES?" "Narrator:" "RICHARD MARNER'S COLONEL WAS MADLY ASSISTED" "IN THESE SHENANIGANS BY SAM KELLY'S CHARACTER, HANS GEERING." "KEEP STILL, HANS." "TREES DON'T WIGGLE UP AND DOWN." "I'M SORRY, COLONEL." "I AM HAVING A PROBLEM WITH A SQUIRREL." "I THINK HE'S LOOKING FOR SOME NUTS." "HE WOULD DRESS UP AND HE WOULD BECOME SOMEBODY ELSE" "AND PLAY THE-- PLAY A SILLY ASS" "AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING." "AND HE GOT HIMSELF INTO EXTRAORDINARY SITUATIONS." "Narrator:" "CROFT AND LLOYD'S GERMAN OCCUPYING FORCE" "BECAME THE TV WORLD'S MOST INCOMPETENT NAZIS." "AND ONCE, GEERING EVEN TRIED TO ASSASSINATE HIS OWN GENERAL." "OH MY GOD, THE GATEAU FROM THE CHATEAU." "WHAT ABOUT THE GATEAU FROM THE CHATEAU?" "IT CONTAINS A BOMB!" "A BOMB IN THE GATEAU FROM THE CHATEAU?" "IT IS TO BLOW UP THE GENERAL." "RENE, YOU DO NOT NEED TO KILL THE GENERAL." "WE HAVE ALREADY ARRANGED TO KILL THE GENERAL." "AH, DO YOU NOT SEE" "THAT IF WE KILL HIM WITH THE PILL FROM THE TILL" "BY MAKING WITH IT THE DRUG IN THE JUG," "YOU NEED NOT LIGHT THE CANDLE WITH THE HANDLE OF THE GATEAU FROM THE CHATEAU?" "Narrator:" "SAM KELLY HAD WORKED WITH GORDEN KAYE SOME YEARS BEFORE" "ON STAGE IN THE PLAY "BLACK COMEDY."" "AND NOW GORDEN RECOMMENDED HIM" "AS A RECRUIT TO THE "'ALLO 'ALLO!" GANG." "SAM HAD DONE TIME AT SLADE PRISON," "APPEARING AS BUNNY ALONGSIDE RONNIE BARKER AND RICHARD BECKINSALE" "IN "PORRIDGE"" "BEFORE SWAPPING HIS PRISON BLUES FOR NAZI REGALIA" "AND BECOMING HANS GEERING," "THE CAPTAIN WITH THE MISTIMED SALUTE." " HEIL HITLER." " 'TLER!" "HE WOULD SAY, "HEIL HITLER" AND HANS WOULD SAY" "AND LISTEN TO THIS BECAUSE DON'T WRITE TO ME ANYMORE" "HALF THE WORD "HITLER."" ""'TLER." THAT'S ALL IT WAS-- T-L-E-R." "BECAUSE HE COULDN'T BE BOTHERED SAYING THE REST." "DIDN'T LIKE HIM MUCH ANYWAY, YOU KNOW." "SO IT WAS "'TLER."" "AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO CLOSE YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU SAID IT," "LOOKS LIKE YOU SAID "B" OR "P." SO IT BECAME "CLOP."" ""CLUB."" "BARRY TOOK ON "POINTS OF VIEW,"" "SAID IT WAS "CLUB" AND IT WAS GERMAN FOR "DITTO."" "HE MADE IT UP." "Narrator:" "HARD ON THE TRAIL" "OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE CONSIDERABLE CLEAVAGE" "WAS THE MAN WHO GAVE THE GESTAPO A BAD NAME" " HERR OTTO FLICK." " HEIL HITLER." " HEIL HITLER." " 'TLER." "MY ORDERS ARE DIRECTLY FROM BERLIN." "Narrator:" "THE GODSON OF HIMMLER AND A VISION IN LEATHER," "FLICK WAS SENT TO NOUVION AS HE WAS A MASTER OF DISGUISE..." "ARREST HIM!" "...A STICKLER FOR DETAIL..." "STOP." "YOUR RIGHT STOCKING IS ALSO CROOKED." "YES, HERR FLICK." "ATTEND TO IT." "...AND INSTILLED FEAR INTO THE HEART OF THE LOCAL PEASANTRY." "HEIL HITLER!" "( all blow raspberries )" "HERR FLICK, THE GESTAPO OFFICER," "WAS A PIECE OF INSPIRED CASTING" "BECAUSE HE WAS SO DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE" "WHO HAD EVER PLAYED THAT SORT OF PART BEFORE." "UP TO THAT POINT IN HIS CAREER" "HE'D BEEN PLAYING CHILDREN, ACTUALLY." "SO HE HAD A MARVELOUS, YOUNG, INNOCENT FACE," "AS OPPOSED TO THE SCAR DOWN THE CHEEK." "Narrator:" "RICHARD GIBSON'S INNOCENT FACE" "WAS FIRST SEEN IN 1970 IN THE MOVIE "THE GO BETWEEN,"" "STARRING JULIE CHRISTIE." "HE WAS STILL LOOKING YOUNG ENOUGH AT 23" "TO APPEAR ALONGSIDE DAVID CROFT'S DAUGHTER REBECCA" "IN "CHILDREN OF THE NEW FOREST."" "BUT FOR HERR FLICK, OUT WENT THE TUNIC" "AND IN CAME THE LEATHER COAT AND THE PRONOUNCED CHARACTER LIMP." "GIVEN THE CHANCE, I WOULD HAVE HAD EYE PATCHES," "FALSE LIMBS, MECHANICAL BITS." "OH NO, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SEE ME." "I'D HAVE BEEN BURIED AMONGST BITS OF EQUIPMENT." "Narrator:" "BESIDES PREVENTING HERR FLICK FROM DISCOVERING" "THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE PAINTING OF THE AMPLY ENDOWED VIRGIN," "RENE ALSO HAD HIS HANDS FULL DEALING WITH MICHELLE FROM THE RESISTANCE" "AND HER UNEXPECTED ENTRANCES." "NOW LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY," "I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE." "MICHELLE WAS WHAT I WOULD THINK IS REALLY THE STRAIGHT GUY" "STRAIGHT GIRL OF IT-- BECAUSE I WAS" "ALWAYS TERRIBLY SERIOUS ABOUT AND COMMITTED ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING." "LET US COME TO THE CRUNCH." "THE CRUNCH?" "THE NITTY-GRITTY." "ARE YOU A COLLABORATOR OR ARE YOU WITH THE RESISTANCE?" "IS THAT THING LOADED?" "I AM DESPERATE." "I HAVE ONE UP THE SPOUT." "I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST JOLLY FUNNY." "THEY ALL WORE THE THE SAME THING LIKE A UNIFORM." "I MEAN, ANY BRIGHT GESTAPO OFFICER COULD SAY," ""YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE THAT, YOU'RE ARRESTED." YOU KNOW?" "BUT IT WAS PART OF THE BIZARRE NATURE OF THE PROGRAM." "Cooke:" "IF YOU WANTED TO BE A RESISTANCE GIRL" "YOU HAD TO WEAR THE BERET AND THE MAC AND SOCKS." "Narrator:" "MICHELLE'S MISSION WAS TO PERSUADE RENE" "TO HELP TWO SHOT-DOWN BRITISH AIRMEN," "GET THE BLITHERING IDIOTS OUT OF DANGER" "AND BACK TO BLIGHTY." "I THINK I'VE CRACKED IT." "WE'RE RIDING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD." "IT WAS FAIRLY CLEAR TO ME THAT THE CHARACTER" "WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON AT ALL" "ALL THE WAY THROUGH." "AND SO REALLY, IT WAS A SORT OF" "FACIAL EXPRESSION, WHICH WAS A SORT OF" "I MEAN, YOU KNOW, "WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?"" "ARE YOU EXPECTING US, BY ANY CHANCE?" "WHAT DOES HE SAY?" "I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH." "NEITHER DO I." "WE WISH TO TALK..." "Kaye:" "THE WORRY FOR US" "AND FOR ME AND MYSELF AND VICKI" "BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARRIVE" "IS, WILL THE AUDIENCE TWIG" "THAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND US AND WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM?" "I HAVE IT." "THEY ARE THE AIRMEN." "YOU..." "ARE TWO DAYS TOO SOON." "TOO SOON, EH?" "WHAT'S HE GOING ON ABOUT?" "I THINK HE WANTS YOUR WATCH BEFORE HE LETS US IN." "IT WORKED." "I MEAN, IT WORKED." "THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND-- EVEN THOUGH" "OUR CAST IS SPEAKING IN ENGLISH," "THE ENGLISH AIRMEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE SAYING." "AND THAT'S PART OF THE FUN, I THINK." "AH, MICHELLE!" "THESE TWO IDIOTS ARE HERE TWO DAYS TOO SOON." "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THEM?" " YOU MUST HIDE THEM." " I CAN'T HIDE THEM!" "I HAVE HAD NO TIME TO ORGANIZE THINGS." "I HAVE NOT YET PREPARED THE CELLAR." "GO AND FIND US A TABLE WHERE WE WILL BE ALONE." "I HAVE A LITTLE ENGLISH." "I WILL EXPLAIN." "OKAY, CHAPS, FOLLOW THE BOSS." "THANK GOD, SHE SPEAKS ENGLISH!" "AND IT WAS SUCH A WONDERFULLY COMIC TOOL TO USE," "BECAUSE EVERYBODY COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT EVERYBODY WAS SAYING," "BUT YOU HAD THIS WONDERFUL SITUATION WHERE" "THE PEOPLE IN THE SCENE COULDN'T." "Narrator:" "WITH THE CONFUSION OVER LANGUAGE SORTED OUT" "TO COMICAL EFFECT, "'ALLO 'ALLO!" WAS FREE" "TO ESTABLISH ITSELF AS A FAMILY FAVORITE" "FOR BRITISH TV AUDIENCES," "THOUGH THERE WERE STILL PEOPLE OUT THERE" "WHO DIDN'T SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF LIFE UNDER GERMAN OCCUPATION." "B.R. THOMAS OF LONDON'S SOUTHEAST 12 FEELS THAT..." "MR. THOMAS ALSO SAYS..." "INITIALLY, AFTER THE FIRST SERIES, THERE WAS A BIT OF A REACTION." "I THINK IT WAS BECAUSE PEOPLE WEREN'T SURE" "WHETHER THEY COULD LAUGH ABOUT THE WAR." "I THINK WE REALIZED THAT IT WAS A CONTROVERSIAL SORT OF THING TO DO." "AND FOR THAT REASON" "I TOOK A TAPE OF THE PILOT TO SOME PEOPLE I KNEW IN THE S.A.S." "IN CHELSEA BARRACKS." "I LEFT IT WITH THEM AND SAID," "YOU KNOW, "WHAT DO YOU THINK?"" "AND THEY DID SORT OF INQUIRE AROUND AND SHOW IT ABOUT," "AND THEY THOUGHT IT WAS VERY FUNNY." "I THINK "'ALLO 'ALLO!" AT THE TIME" "SORT OF BROKE DOWN SOME OF THE BARRIERS ON TELEVISION" "AS TO WHAT YOU COULD-- THAT YOU COULD ACTUALLY" "MAKE FUN OF A PREVIOUS ENEMY, I WOULD SAY, BASICALLY." "AND IN A WAY, QUITE A LOT OF GERMANS HAVE SAID," ""WE ACTUALLY RATHER APPRECIATE THE FACT" "THAT WE'RE BEING ALLOWED TO BE PART OF THE JOKE," "THAT WE CAN LAUGH TOGETHER AT THIS."" "Narrator:" "DESPITE "'ALLO 'ALLO!"'S CRITICS," "A SECOND SERIES WAS COMMISSIONED." "VIEWERS WANTED MORE OF THE MOTHER-IN-LAW" "FREAKING OUT EVERY TIME LONDON CALLED." " ( beeping )" " AHHH!" "I'M GOING MAD!" "I AM SEEING FLASHING KNOBS." "THEY LOVED IT WHENEVER THE AIRMEN POPPED UP." "Both:" "HELLO." "THEY GOT CONFUSED WHEN RENE WAS SHOT." "AND EVERYONE WAS DESPERATE TO KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO THE PAINTING." "WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THAT LABEL IN THE CORNER?" "I DON'T KNOW." "IT IS IN ENGLISH." "I DON'T UNDERSTAND." "I SPEAK A LITTLE ENGLISH." "I WILL TRY TO TRANSLATE FOR YOU." "OH." ""PLEASE NOTE, THIS IS THE..." "FORGERY."" "Narrator:" "BUT IF RENE HAD BEEN SHOT," "HOW COULD HE STILL BE HOLDING THE PAINTING?" "AND WHO HAD THE ORIGINAL?" "TO ANSWER ALL THIS" "A "PREVIOUSLY ON "ALLO 'ALLO!" "'" WAS INTRODUCED" "NARRATED BY RENE." "OR WAS IT?" "WELCOME TO MY CAFE." "I AM HAPPY TO TELL YOU THAT LIFE HERE IS BACK TO NORMAL." "THE TWO ENGLISH AIRMEN WHO WERE HIDING HERE" "HAVE BEEN TAKEN AWAY BY THE RESISTANCE" "AND ARE BEING HIDDEN IN A NEARBY NUNNERY." "THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN KLOMP," "WHICH I WAS HIDING IN MY CELLAR," "IS NOW IN THE POSSESSION OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO." "I HAVE BEEN SHOT DEAD" "AND I AM NOW POSING AS MY OWN TWIN BROTHER." "Lloyd:" "THE SHOW WAS LIKE A CONTINUOUS STORY." "SO IT WAS SO COMPLICATED THAT WE USED TO SIMPL" "TRY AND SIMPLIFY IT IN THAT SPEECH" "SO THE AUDIENCE WOULD KNOW WHAT HAD HAPPENED" "AND TO LOOK FORWARD TO WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN." "Narrator:" "TO CONTINUE THE STORY OF THE FALLEN MADONNA" "AND HER GENEROUS BOSOM," "CROFT AND LLOYD DECIDED TO COMPLICATE MATTERS NEXT TIME AROUND" "BY HIDING FORGERIES OF THE PAINTING INSIDE SAUSAGES." "NOW AS I UNDERSTAND IT," "THIS IS THE ONE CONTAINING THE REAL PAINTING" "BECAUSE IT HAS ON IT A LITTLE SWASTIKA, EH?" "NOW ONE OF THESE I COOK" "AND THE OTHER ONE CONTAINS THE FORGED PAINTING," "WHICH YOU ARE GOING TO SEND TO HITLER, CORRECT?" "VERY NEARLY, YES." "WE WERE DOMINATED BY SAUSAGES, BASICALLY." "UM, AND IT WAS A VERY GOOD WAY OF TRANSPORTING THE PAINTING." "I DID START TO LOSE THE PLOT A LITTLE BIT," "SOMETIMES, WHERE" " BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING THE NEXT WEEK" "AND YOU GO, "WHERE IS THE FALLEN MADONNA THIS WEEK?" "WHERE DID WE HIDE IT LAST WEEK?"" "WELL, THE PLOTS ACTUALLY WERE VERY LOGICAL AND QUITE SIMPLE" "AND STRAIGHTFORWARD." "THEY'RE NOT NEARLY AS COMPLICATED AS YOU THINK." "IT'S BASICALLY THERE'S A SAUSAGE," "WHICH HAS THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES IN IT, WHICH IS THEN FORGED." "AND IS THAT THE ACTUAL PAINTING OR WAS THAT THE COPY OF THE PAINTING?" "IT'S THEN FORGED AGAIN." "AND THE FORGERY ENDS UP IN THE HANDS OF THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN." "HERR FLICK HAS ONE WHICH IS HANGING UP IN HIS WARDROBE." "HOW MANY COPIES WERE MADE AND WHICH IS THE ORIGINAL?" "AND WE WOULD BE SORT OF STUCK." ""WHO'S DOING WHAT?"" "BUT I MEAN, AS LONG AS YOU KEEP YOUR EYE ON WHICH ONE IS THE REAL ONE," "IT'S NOT COMPLICATED AT ALL." "I USED TO HAVE TO RING UP MY SECRETARY" "AND SAY, "WHERE THE HELL DID WE LEAVE THE SAUSAGES AND WHAT WAS IN THEM?"" "Narrator:" "IF KEEPING ABREAST OF THE FALLEN MADONNA," "THE SAUSAGES AND THEIR WHEREABOUTS WASN'T BAD ENOUGH," "CROFT AND LLOYD DECIDED TO ADD A WHOLE NEW DIMENSION" "TO THE PLAY ON LANGUAGES..." "THEY HAVE SENT HIM BECAUSE HE SPEAKS FRENCH." "All:" "AH!" "( French accent ) 'ALLO, EVERYBODY." "TO HEAR OUR OWN TONGUE!" "...BY INTRODUCING AN ENGLISHMAN" "WHO BROUGHT A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO THE WORD BILINGUAL." "I HAVE DIGEESED AS POLUCEMAN," "SO I AM OBER TO MOVE ABOOT" "WITH COMPLATE FRODOM." "AND IT WAS DAVID'S IDEA TO HAVE THE POLICEMAN" "WHO SPOKE BAD-- THE BAD FRENCH." "OH!" "OH!" "I WAS PISSING BY THE DOOR..." "WHEN I HEARD TWO SHOTS." "HIS CHARACTER, OF COURSE, WAS BASED ON TED HEATH," "WHO SPOKE FRENCH AND HE HAD A VERY GOOD VOCABULARY," "BUT NO ATTEMPT AT THE FRENCH ACCENT." "( speaking French )" "( Bostrom speaking French )" "WITH THAT FRIGHTFULLY SOUTHERN ENGLAND VOICE." "YOU KNOW, I MEAN, ALL THE WORDS WERE THERE" "BUT JUST NO ATTEMPT AT ACCENT." "SO WE ACTUALLY STARTED OFF THAT WAY." "I THINK DAVID LIKED THAT AS AN IDEA." "Narrator:" "THE OTHER IDEA THAT BOTH DAVID AND JEREMY LIKED" "WAS THAT YOU COULDN'T REALLY HAVE A FARCE SET IN FRANCE" "WITHOUT SEX." "LOTS OF IT." "YVETTE, MY LITTLE TIGER!" "OH, RENE." "MY BIG CUDDLY BEAR!" "MY LITTLE CHICKEN." "OH, HOLD ME!" "KISS ME!" " OH!" " RENE!" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND THAT GIRL?" "YOU STUPID WOMAN!" "CAN YOU NOT SEE SHE IS SUFFERING FROM CLAUSTROPHOBIA?" "( gasps )" "YOU MAKE UP A RENE" "WHO'S NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE WITH A SLIGHTLY WONKY EYE" "THAT GIRLS ARE MAD ABOUT." "GORDEN WAS AN UNLIKELY SEX SYMBOL." "CRUSH MY LIPS WITH YOUR LIPS." "DO ALL THOSE THINGS YOU DO THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY WITH RAGING DESIRE." "MARIA, WE ARE ONLY IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD." "OH, RENE!" "I THINK GORDEN WOULD SAY HIMSELF" "HE'S NOT AN OIL PAINTING." "BUT THE WAY HE WAS PORTRAYED" "AND THE WAY ALL THE GIRLS FANCIED HIM," "I THINK IT BROUGHT THAT ANY NORMAL MAN IN THE STREET" "THOUGHT, "GOD, IF HE CAN DO IT, I'VE GOT A CHANCE WITH WOMEN."" "Narrator:" "IT WASN'T JUST THE LADIES WHO WENT WONKY-EYED OVER RENE." "♪ MAD ABOUT THE BOY ♪" "♪ I KNOW IT'S STUPID, BUT I'M MAD ABOUT THE BOY. ♪" "Narrator:" "TANK COMMANDER LIEUTENANT GRUBER" "DIDN'T FIND THE WAR MUCH TO HIS TASTE," "BUT DID, HOWEVER, FANCY THE APRON OF RENE." "WE WEREN'T SURE IF HE WAS HOMOSEXUAL OR NOT." "OBVIOUSLY WAS." "BUT HE HANDLED THAT SUBTLY AND BEAUTIFULLY." "RENE, 'TIS YOU!" "PLEASE, LIEUTENANT, DO NOT GIVE ME AWAY." "DON'T WORRY, YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME." "NO NO, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND." "YES, I DO!" "HE DIDN'T WANT CAMP." "HE DIDN'T WANT..." "SORT OF OUTRAGEOUSLY GAY" "OR, YOU KNOW, SCREAMING QUEEN." "THAT WASN'T WHAT IT-- WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE." "Narrator:" "WHILE RENE WAS BUSY KEEPING GRUBER AT ARM'S LENGTH" "AFTER SEDUCING HIS WAITRESSES HIMSELF," "HE WAS ALSO MORE THAN WILLING TO HIRE THEM OUT" "IN RETURN FOR BLACK-MARKET GOODS." "WE HAVE FOR YOU, RENE, 12 LITERS OF PARAFFIN," "FOUR KILOS OF SUGAR" "AND ONE KILO..." " OF BUTTER." " THANK YOU, COLONEL." "WELL, THAT SHOULD COVER THE FLYING HELMET AND THE WET CELERY." "WELL, THEY WERE HOOKERS, THE PAIR OF THEM, YES." "( chuckles )" "SO IT WAS A LITTLE BIT RISQUE," "BUT I THINK IT WAS LEFT UP TO THE PEOPLE'S IMAGINATIONS." "Narrator:" "BUT WHEN THE COLONEL'S HOT SECRETARY HELGA" "GOT TOGETHER WITH HERR FLICK," "NOT MUCH WAS LEFT TO THE IMAGINATION AT ALL." "HERR FLICK, I HOPE YOU DO NOT DISAPPROVE" "OF MY CHOICE OF UNDERGARMENTS." "NOT AT ALL." "SUCH THINGS ARE VERY POPULAR IN BERLIN THESE DAYS." "THE BUSKS AND THE UNDERWEAR BECAME SUCH A TREAT." "YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE STARTED FILMING" "I'D GO DOWN FOR A MEETING WITH THE WARDROBE MISTRESS" "AND SHE'D SAY, "WE THOUGHT WE'D DO ONE WITH LEOPARD SKIN DOWN THE FRONT." "AND MAYBE WE'LL HAVE SOME RHINESTONES AND SOME TASSELS."" "BEND OVER." "IT IS MORE EFFECTIVE IF YOU GRIP IT FIRMLY" "WITH BOTH HANDS." "NOW PULL!" "THRUST!" "PULL!" "THRUST!" "Hartman:" "I THINK SHE IMAGINED SHE WAS A BIT LIKE MARLENE DIETRICH" "AND LAUREN BACALL AND PEOPLE LIKE THAT." "AND SHE'D WORKED OUT, I'M SURE, THAT SHE WAS GOING TO WORK HER WAY UP" "TO HITLER, I WOULD IMAGINE," "DEPOSE EVA BRAUN AND TAKE OVER." "THRUST THRUST THRUST!" "YOU'RE NEARLY THERE!" "PULL, THRUST, PULL, THRUST!" " I CANNOT KEEP IT UP MUCH LONGER!" " YOU MUST!" "YOU MUST!" "YOU GET THE IMPRESSION SHE DOESN'T REALLY LIKE HERR FLICK THAT MUCH." "BUT THERE'S SOMETHING KINKY THAT GOES ON AS WELL." " STOP!" "STOP!" " AH!" "WAS THAT ALL RIGHT?" "FOR ME, EXCELLENT." "( laughs )" "YES, WE WEREN'T SURE WE COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT ONE." "BUT THE WAY IT WAS DONE," "IT WAS ACCEPTABLE, YOU KNOW?" "JUST." "Narrator:" "BY THE END OF SERIES THREE," "CROFT AND LLOYD HAD MIXED INTO THE PLOT" "THAT STANDBY OF WARTIME DRAMA-- THE ESCAPE TUNNEL." "THERE, ARE YOU SATISFIED?" "Narrator:" "THIS BEING SITCOM, IT RESULTED IN THE WHOLE CAST," "INCLUDING VON STROHM AND HANS," "SURFACING IN A BRITISH P.O.W. CAMP." "♪ HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE-- ♪" "SILENCE!" "Narrator:" "HITLER MAY HAVE ONLY HAD THE ONE," "BUT THE DICTATOR ON THE "'ALLO 'ALLO!" SET," "DAVID CROFT, HAD BALLS ENOUGH FOR ALL," "NOT ONLY WRITING, BUT PRODUCING AND DIRECTING THE SHOW." "HE WOULD STAND IN HIS SHIRTSLEEVES" "WITH HIS ARMS LIKE THIS." "AND HE WOULD DO THE-- WHAT WE CAME TO REGARD" "AS THE "MUTTLY LAUGH." HE WOULD GO..." " ( wheezy chuckling ) - ( wheezy chuckling )" "IN WHICH CASE, YOU KNEW IT WAS IN." "OR HE'D GO..." "NO." "( laughs )" "AND AGAIN, IT WAS JUST MARVELOUS" "BECAUSE HE WOULD-- YOU WERE SORT OF SQUISHED." "SOMEBODY SAID, "YOU KNOW, I THINK I SHOULD TRY IT THIS WAY."" "AND HE SAID, "NOPE." HIS CLASSIC, "NOPE."" "AND HE SAID, "NO NO, I REALLY THINK" "I REALLY THINK, UM, IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I DID IT THIS WAY."" ""NOPE."" "AND DAVID SAID, "DO IT THAT WAY."" "AND EVENTUALLY THE GUY SAID, "CAN I JUST TRY IT ONCE?"" ""ALL RIGHT, TRY IT."" "SO HE TRIED IT." "AND THEN HE DID IT DAVID'S WAY" "AND SAID, "ACTUALLY, DAVID, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT."" "AND HE SAID, "I KNOW I'M RIGHT." "AND I'VE GOT TWO HOUSES" "AND A SWIMMING POOL AND A ROLLS-ROYCE TO PROVE IT."" "Narrator:" "AWARE OF THE COMMERCIAL POSSIBILITIES" "OF "'ALLO 'ALLO!" DAVID AND JEREMY DECIDED" "TO MAKE A THEATRICAL FARCE OUT OF LIFE AT CAFE RENE" "AND "'ALLO 'ALLO!" BEGAN A STAGE TOUR IN 1986." "THE SHOW BROKE BOX-OFFICE RECORDS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY" "AND MEANT THE CAST SPENT EVEN MORE TIME IN EACH OTHERS' POCKETS." "IT WAS ALMOST LIKE A PERMANENT FULL-TIME RELATIONSHIP." "THERE WAS NOBODY IN "'ALLO 'ALLO!" THAT I THOUGHT," ""OH NO, A SCENE WITH" " HUH-UH,"" "YOU KNOW, THIS PARTICULAR PERSON." "NO." "WE WERE A FAMILY." "GOODBYE, HANS." "Narrator:" "BUT WHEN "'ALLO 'ALLO!" RETURNED FOR SERIES FOUR" "WITH THE CAST STILL IN THE P.O.W. CAMP," "ONE MEMBER OF THE FAMILY, SAM KELLY," "FELT HE SHOULD GET OUT WHILE ON TOP." "AND HANS MADE A QUICK EXIT." "ONE DOWN, 249 TO GO." "Kelly:" "IT WAS QUITE EMOTIONAL, ACTUALLY." "I WAS QUITE SAD TO GO." "I THINK AT THE TIME I WAS A BIT SCARED OF BEING TYPECAST." "I REGRET IT NOW BECAUSE IT WENT FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH" "AND I'D LIKE TO HAVE STAYED AND DONE SOME MORE." "I SORT OF REGRET IT." "I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN." "I HAD A VAGUE NOTION" "THAT I MIGHT SUDDENLY GET A HUGELY HIGH-PAID TV COMMERCIAL." "YOU KNOW?" "AND THEN I REALIZED, OF COURSE, THAT NOBODY" "WANTS NAZIS ADVERTISING THEIR PRODUCTS." "Narrator:" "SAM APPEARED WITH DENNIS WATERMAN" "IN "ON THE UP" IN 1990." "THEN THE THIRD REICH BECKONED AGAIN IN 1993," "OFFERING SAM THE TOP JOB-- HITLER HIMSELF" "IN DAVID NOBBS' "STALAG LUFT"" "COSTARRING STIFF UPPER LIP STEPHEN FRY." "( speaking German )" "AWAY FROM THE BUNKER AND BACK AT THE COMEDY CAFE," "DAVID CROFT AND JEREMY LLOYD MUST HAVE HAD VISIONS" "OF "'ALLO 'ALLO!" LASTING FOR 1,000 YEARS." "THEIR BASIC FORMULA OF SILLINESS, SUSPENDERS AND SAUSAGES" "BECAME A RUNAWAY SUCCESS." "30 MILLION VIEWERS" "COULDN'T GET ENOUGH." "I AM WEEKING IN A GINGER FASHION" "BECAUSE MY POLUCEMAN'S PINTS ARE FULL OF DYNAMOOT." "Narrator:" "THE SHOW'S POPULARITY WAS QUITE AWESOME" "BOTH HERE AND ABROAD." "HALF THE HOUSEHOLDS IN ENGLAND WERE WATCHING IT," "AND, AS MY MOTHER USED TO SAY, EVERYBODY FROM THE DUCHESS" "TO THE GARDENER'S DAUGHTER." "IT WENT RIGHT ACROSS CLASS, IT WENT RIGHT ACROSS RACE." "IT PLAYED IN, WHAT, SOMETHING LIKE 70 COUNTRIES?" "IT WAS TRANSLATED INTO UNTOLD LANGUAGES." "WHY IT BECAME BIG IN SOMEWHERE LIKE..." "BOTSWANA, I DON'T KNOW." "I HAVE NO ANSWER TO THAT." "I MEAN, I'VE SEEN MYSELF DUBBED IN CHINESE AND" "WHICH IS VERY FUNNY, REALLY." "IT JUST WORKED." "Narrator:" "IT EVEN WORKED IN FRANCE," "WHICH MEANT CRABTREE'S MANGLED ENGLISH IN A FRENCH ACCENT" "BECAME MANGLED FRENCH IN AN ENGLISH ACCENT." "OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?" "( speaking French with English accent)" "AND I REMEMBER THAT DAVID AND JEREMY" "SAID THEY'D TAKEN IT TO SOME FESTIVAL" "WHEN THEY FIRST STARTED DOING IT" "AND THE GERMANS WENT TO SEE IT" "AND THEY LAUGHED THEIR SOCKS OFF." "THAT WAS VERY AMUSING." "( German accent ) "WE THINK IT IS VERY FUNNY, BUT WE'LL NEVER SHOW IT."" "THAT WAS NOT SO AMUSING." "Narrator:" "BY 1990," ""'ALLO 'ALLO!" SEEMED UNSTOPPABLE." "BUT THEN, DISASTER STRUCK." "Male announcer:" ""THE SIX O'CLOCK NEWS" FROM THE BBC." "GORDEN KAYE, ONE OF THE STARS OF "'ALLO 'ALLO!"" "IS STILL CRITICALLY ILL IN HOSPITAL." "HE WAS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A GALE IN HIS CAR," "THINKING HE'D BETTER NOT GET OUT BECAUSE OF WINDS-- 70 MILES AN HOUR" "AND A HOARDING BLEW OFF THROUGH HIS WINDSCREEN" "AND A GREAT BIG METAL BOLT WENT THROUGH HIS HEAD." "IT WAS THE MOST DREADFUL THING IN THE WORLD." "IT WAS VERY SERIOUS." "HE WAS AT DEATH'S DOOR FOR A LONG LONG TIME." "THE NIGHT BEFORE GORDEN HAD BEEN SITTING" "IN MY DRESSING ROOM-- ON THE SOFA IN MY DRESSING ROOM" "DRINKING A CUP OF COFFEE, LAUGHING AND CHATTING." "AND THEN SUDDENLY HE WAS IN INTENSIVE CARE" "AND IT" " IT WAS JUST SO SHOCKING." "Narrator:" "BUT GORDEN MADE SUCH A REMARKABLE RECOVERY" "AND WAS BACK AT WORK SO QUICKLY," "EVEN THE CAST WAS SURPRISED." "LIEUTENANT GRUBER!" "AH!" "I WAS BACK IN LESS THAN SIX MONTHS AFTER THE ACCIDENT," "WHICH COULD BE THOUGHT TO HAVE BEEN TOO SOON." "BUT BECAUSE I LOVED THE SHOW SO MUCH," "WHETHER IT BE STAGE OR TELEVISION VERSION OF IT," "I WAS DETERMINED TO HONOR MY CONTRACT." "PEOPLE WOULD STAND AND GIVE HIM, YOU KNOW, STANDING OVATIONS" "AS HE WALKED IN THE ROOM." "AND HE WAS SORT OF CAST AS A MIRACLE MAN." "IF GORDEN HAD NOT COME THROUGH THAT EXPERIENCE," "I THINK THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF "'ALLO 'ALLO!"" "HER BOOBIES ARE NOT BIG ENOUGH." "THEY LOOK ALL RIGHT TO ME." "Narrator:" "EVEN THOUGH IT WAS NOT THE END OF "'ALLO 'ALLO!"" "FOR GORDEN, IN 1991 DAVID CROFT THOUGHT HIS TIME HAD COME." "Croft:" "I THOUGHT THE SHOW HAD GONE ON LONG ENOUGH." "AND I HAD THE LUXURY OF SAYING ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH," "AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED." "THE AUDIENCE STILL WANTED" "THE PUBLIC STILL WANTED THE SHOW." "BUT I THINK WHEN YOU'VE DONE 50 OR 60 EPISODES," "YOU'RE ON BORROWED TIME, REALLY." "THERE CAME A POINT WHERE GAGS WERE STARTING TO APPEAR AGAIN" "IN, UM..." "SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FORM." "SO I THINK I BAILED OUT AFTER THE BEST OF IT, I THINK." "Narrator:" "DAVID RESUMED HIS OTHER GREAT PARTNERSHIP" "WHICH HAD PRODUCED "DAD'S ARMY."" "HE AND JIMMY PERRY ALSO TURNED TO '70s TELEVISION" "IN "YOU RANG, MY LORD?" A SITCOM VERSION" "OF "UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS."" "IT STARRED MEMBERS OF CROFT'S "HI-DE-HI!" TEAM," "WHO WERE ALSO PUT TO WORK ON THE RAILWAY COMEDY "OH, DR BEECHING!"" "JEREMY LLOYD'S TERM OF DUTY ON "'ALLO 'ALLO!"" "CONTINUED WITH NEW WRITERS FOR THREE MORE SERIES," "IN WHICH THE FARCE CARRIED ON UNTIL THE END OF WORLD WAR II." "YOU'D LIKE TO WRITE 100 SHOWS." "AND YOU GET TO 92 AND YOU THINK," ""NO, I THINK I JUST HAVE TO FINISH IT HERE."" "SO I" " I WROTE AN END SHOW THAT" "I WROTE THE END SO IT COULDN'T BE CONTINUED." "Narrator:" "SO IN DECEMBER, 1992," "JEREMY BROUGHT TOGETHER RENE AND HIS OLD SPARRING PARTNERS" "FOR A FINAL ENCOUNTER." "I SEE THEY'VE ERECTED A STATUE TO YOU, RENE." "WHAT IS THIS?" "EH..." "( gasps )" "THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA." "Narrator:" "WITH THE POST-WAR DISCOVERY" "OF THE ORIGINAL VAN KLOMP FALLEN MADONNA," ""'ALLO 'ALLO!" CAME TO A ROUSING CLIMAX." "CROFT AND LLOYD'S PARTNERSHIP, HOWEVER, ROLLED ON" "AND THEY PRODUCED TWO SERIES OF "GRACE  FAVOUR,"" "A SEQUEL TO "ARE YOU BEING SERVED?"" "BUT "'ALLO 'ALLO!" REMAINS A FIRM FAVORITE TO THIS DAY," "AND NOT JUST WITH THE VIEWERS." "FANTASTIC TO BE CAST IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT." "CHANGED MY LIFE." "IT WAS FAB." "I THINK I'M PROUD TO BE PART OF ONE OF THE GREATEST" "SITCOMS AND ONE OF THE GREATEST PARTNERSHIPS" "THAT" " NOT ONLY IN BRITISH TELEVISION," "BUT TELEVISION ALL OVER THE WORLD HAS PRODUCED." "VERY LUCKY TO DO WHAT YOU ENJOY DOING" "THAT ENTERTAINS A LOT OF PEOPLE." "IT WAS A VERY PRIVILEGED POSITION." "I HAD MY OWN EMPIRE, VIRTUALLY." "I DID WHAT I WANTED" "AND I WAS ALLOWED TO DO IT AND I HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH MONEY." "OH!" "RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SERVING GIRL?" "YOU STUPID WOMAN!" "CAN YOU NOT SEE I AM ELOPING?" "YOU HAVE BEEN WITCHING CIMIDY CONNOCTIONS." "GOOD NIT AND THONKS FOR PISSING BY."