"Ted, have you seen my record collection?" " Record collection?" " Yeah." "Here it is." "And Dougal, you need more than one record to have a collection." "What YOU have is a record." "Oh, right." "Yeah." "(Humming Nessun Dorma )" "You know, you've a beautiful voice, Father." "Ah, no, I don't really." "No, you do." "It's gorgeous." "Well, thanks very much." "I don't think I've ever heard anything more beautiful in my life." "Sing something else." "Now, I don't normally do requests." "Ah, go on, now." "Please!" "Ok." "# I-I love Paris in the springtime" "# I love Paris in the fall... #" "No." "No, I didn't like that one so much." "I was a bit disappointed with that one." " Yes, thank you, Mrs Doyle." " That wasn't very good at all." "Yes..." "I love that song, but that was catastrophic." "I tell you what, Mrs Doyle, I won't book Carnegie Hall just yet." "They wouldn't let you play Carnegie Hall with a voice like that." "Carnegie Hall." "Oh, here's one." "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" " Practice!" " What?" "That old joke - "How d'you get to Carnegie Hall?" "Practice!"" "Uh?" "Oh, I-I see." "Um, you'd have to go to New York, Dougal." "Oh, right." "Yeah." "Ted..." "do you mind if I put on my record?" "No." "Go ahead." " I've got Eurosong fever, Ted." " Yeah?" "God, yeah." "I love the Eurosong competition." "I can't wait." " What time is it now?" " Half past one." "And the competition is on in...?" "May." "You know they're looking for entries for this year?" " Are they?" " Yeah." " Dougal..." " Why...?" " Dougal!" " Ah, Ted..." " Dougal!" " If we won, we'd be famous, like Nelson Mandela and his mad wife." "No, Dougal, we don't have the time." "We'd have to write a song." "That needs a person with special talent." "Cole Porter, George Gershwin, Chris de Burgh..." " (Phone )" " Not just any old eejit can take up songwriting just like that." "Hello." "Father Ted Crilly." " Hello!" "Dick Byrne here." " Dick." " Are you entering this year?" " 'What?" "'" "Eurosong '96." "The young fella has me driven mad with it." "We thought we'd enter." "Why don't you give it a go?" " I'm sure you'd win." " Thanks..." "If all the other contestants were killed!" "We'd do just as well as you would." " You wouldn't." " Yes, we would." " You wouldn't." " We would." " No, you wouldn't." " Yes, we would." " No, you wouldn't." " We would, we would, we would!" " You wouldn't times a thousand!" " Yes..." "Jinx!" "No comebacks!" "Dougal, get the guitar." " I thought..." " I said get the guitar!" "Ok, right." "What'll we write it about?" "How about...a lovely horse?" "Ok." "We'll call it..." "My Lovely Horse... by Father..." "Ted..." "Crilly." "And, er, Father Dougal McGuire." "And, er..." "Father..." "Dougal..." "McGuire." "Right." "Here we go." "Um, will we do the lyrics first or will we do the music?" "Let's do the lyrics and fit the tune around it." "Right." "Here we go." "Maybe we should do the music first." "Right." "Here we go." "I like that." " Was that all right?" " Yeah." "It was a bit sad." "Good." "Good." "I'll write it down." "I think it was an A minor." "I-I think..." "I think I have a lyric." "Right." "Lyrics." "Go ahead there, Dougal." "What's it called again?" "My Lovely Horse." "Right." "How about this?" "Er..." "My lovely horse, I want to hold you so tight" "I want to rub my fingers through your tail and..." "love you all night." "Dougal..." "Dougal, Dougal, stop there." "keep out of the whole area of being in love with the horse." "Oh, right." "Right." "We're more friends with the horse." "We want to jump around and have a good laugh with it." "Right." "What about," "Take this lump of sugar, baby, you know you want it?" "Something like those rap fellas would write." "You can forget about them, Dougal." "You can forget about Icy Tea and Scoopy Scoopy Dog Dog." "They're no help to us now." "We're not moving until we've finished the song." " Ready?" " Let's do it!" "Dougal, don't take it so seriously, it's...it's just a bit of fun." "Just play the f---ing note!" " The first one?" " No, not the f---ing first one!" "That's already f---ing down!" "Play the f---ing note you were f---ing playing." "I'm playing the f---ing first one!" "We have the f---ing first one!" "(Can rattles)" "So I..." "Play the f---ing note you were f---ing playing!" "The thing you were just doing!" "Play the f---ing note!" "(Disco beat on keyboard)" "Right." "(Disco beat)" "(Monotone ) # My lovely horse running through the...field" "# Where are you going" "# With your fetlocks blowing in the...wind?" "# I want to shower you with sugar lumps" "# And ride you over...fences" "# I want to polish your hooves every single day" "# And bring you to the horse...dentist" "# My lovely horse you're a pony no..." "# More" "# Running around with a man on your back" "# Like a train in the night... #" "Wait, I can do this bit." "# Like a train in the...night #" "Well, er, what do you think in general?" "Right." "Father Jack's right." "It's a terrible song." "What were we thinking?" "It's not that bad, Ted." "The lyrics are fine." "There's no problem there." "But it's a terrible tune." "It's just the same note over and over again." "I'll put on my favourite Eurosong, maybe that'll cheer us up." "Yes, that might help." "What is it?" "It's Nin Huugen and the Huugen Notes." "It came fifth in A Song For Norway in 1976." "(Music starts)" "(Lively tune with Norwegian lyrics)" "That's not too bad, actually." "That's the B-side." "I'll turn it over." " No." "No, leave it." "Leave it." " It's nice enough, isn't it?" "Yeah." "If only we'd come up with something like that." "Dougal..." "I suppose not many people have actually heard that song?" "Suppose not." "First time I've heard it." "Where are the band now?" "Oh, God, Ted, it's a terrible story." "They all died in a plane crash, including everybody involved in the song - the studio engineers, the producer, the manager..." " The people who owned the rights?" " Oh, yes." "That's terrible." " Er, Dougal..." " Yeah?" "Wouldn't it be nice to commemorate those people" " by keeping their music alive?" " What?" "Suppose we were to borrow that tune for My Lovely Horse." "It would help us out and commemorate their memory at the same time." "So we wouldn't just be stealing their tune?" "No!" "You'd have to be mad to jump to that conclusion." "As I say, we'd just be celebrating their memory." "Secretly." " Incidentally, don't tell anyone." " Oh, right." "And if the song wins and we make any money, we could give it to their relatives." "Yeah..." "We'll play that by ear." "(Ted humming Huugen Notes tune )" "You know, I don't want to jump to any conclusions but I think we're definitely going to win!" "Really?" "Oh, great." "There'll be lots to think about." "Promotions for journalists, American tour dates..." "And I suppose a big fly poster campaign." " And the obligatory video." " Obligatory video - wow!" "Are priests allowed to be rock stars, though, Ted?" "A lad at the seminary, Father Benny Cake, he recorded a song that went to number one in England." " Really?" " Yeah." "He didn't want to be known as a priest so he called himself..." "Anyway, the song was called Vienna." "Why didn't he want people to know he was a priest?" "People thought if you were a priest, you were uncool." " A bit of a square." " Then we came along." "Yeah." "Anyway, Dougal, get to sleep." "Sweet dreams." "# My lovely, lovely, lovely horse" "# My lovely horse # (My lovely horse )" "# Running through the field" "# Where are you going" "# With your fetlocks blowing in the wind?" "# I want to shower you with sugar lumps" "# And ride you over fences" "# Polish your hooves every single day" "# And bring you to the horse dentist" "# My lovely, lovely, lovely horse" "# My lovely horse # (My lovely horse )" "# You're a pony no more" "# Running around with a man on your back" "# Like a train in the night, yeah" "# Like a train in the night #" "(Saxophone solo )" "(Ted panting)" "We have to lose that sax solo!" "Er, Mrs Doyle, I think that's enough make-up on Dougal now." "There you go." "Good man." "(knock at door)" "Hello, uh, Father Crilly." "I'm Charles Hedges, your producer, and this is..." "Mr Rickwood!" "I'm delighted to meet you." "You did a brilliant job last year." "That's the business, you know, in and out of doors, like, and giddy up!" "S-sorry?" "The business, and giddy up!" "Ah, yes!" "Ha ha!" "(Gibberish)" "Mm." "Mm." "Mm." "I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show." "Once he's on stage, he's fine." " Have you known him long?" " Yes." "Partners for ten years." "Running the production company?" "No, no." "He's my lover." "He..." "He's quite a catch." "This is my partner, Father Dougal McGuire." "Not my sexual partner!" "My partner I do the song with." " Yes, well, I'd guessed that." " Of course." "Not that there's anything wrong with that type of...thing." "I thought the Church thought it was inherently wrong." "Ah, yes, it does." "The whole gay thing " "I suppose it's a bit of a puzzle to us all." "It must be fun, though." "Not the..." "Not the, you know, but the nightclubs and the whole rough and tumble of homosexual activity." "Having boyfriends when you're a man." "Don't mind what the Church thinks, it thought the earth was flat!" "Sometimes the Pope says things he doesn't mean." "Even the Pope gets things wrong." "What about Papal infallibility?" "Yes." "Is it for everything, the infallibility?" "I don't know." "Right." "Anyhow..." "Nothing to do with me!" "I'm really looking forward to your entry." "The song!" "Ha!" "The song." "Right." " Well, so am I." " Do you think we'll win?" "It's not up to him." "It's the public who decide." " Not this year." " No?" "This year, I'll pick the winner." "That old phone-in system wasn't working." "But the song the public chose has won five years in a row." "Yes, but it's, eh..." "quite complicated." "Are you looking forward to the show?" "Oh, yes." "We're all thrilled." "Bit of a novelty, I suppose, what with us being priests." "Ah, well, not exactly." "There's a similar act to yours." "Father Byrne and Father McDuff." "I didn't think they'd make it this far." "Flip!" "They'll win, Ted." "We might as well give up now." "That's a very defeatist attitude!" "Oh, it is." "Sorry about that." "Ah, but he's right, Ted." "Ready to be beaten, then?" "I'd say your song is terrible anyway." "It's better than yours, ya big fool!" "Take that back!" "I'll just be leaving." "Thanks, Charles." "See you later." "Yes, thanks." "We'll have a great time." "I bet we get a million points and you get minus 7,000!" " How much do you bet?" "!" " Four pounds!" "Right!" "You're on!" "That's just us winning." "A million points is a bit of an exaggeration." "Right, we're off to win the contest." "Ah, seriously, Ted..." "Even if you don't win, I'm sure your song's very good." " Really?" " No!" "Oh, I really hate Father Dick Byrne!" " Good luck tonight, Fred." " (Incomprehensible mumbling)" "(Theme music)" "Thanks." "Right, let's go." "'And now, live from the Theatre Royal, A Song For Ireland." "'And here's your host, Fred Rickwood.'" "Hello!" "What a pro." "And welcome to Song For Ireland." "The contest where we select your representative to sing for Ireland." "'This year we've got a lot of new acts from all around the country...'" "Huh!" "Look at Dick Byrne over there, showing off!" "He won't be too happy when we win and he comes last!" "So please put your hands together and welcome on stage" "Euro hopefuls from Rugged Island," "Father Dick Byrne and Father Cyril McDuff!" "(Organ introduction )" "# When I was young" "# I had a dream" "# And though the dream was very small" "# It wouldn't leave me... #" "(Dougal, Dougal!" ")" "# To play the poet or the fool" "# And now you see me" "(Choir joins in )" "# And now" "# The miracle is mine" "# Oh, and the war begun" "# And I... #" "I'm goin' for a fag!" "(Whistling cheerfully)" "(Huugen Notes song playing in lift)" "Oh, God!" " Dougal, we can't do the song!" " What's up, Ted?" "I just heard it in the lift!" "I heard someone whistling it!" "Shows what a great song it is." "No!" "They'll know we ripped it off!" "It's more famous than we thought!" "Oh, we'll be found out!" "What'll we do, Ted?" "What did we do to deserve this?" "!" "# I" "# I've nothing left but time" "# Still I reach out... #" "Song's nearly over." "Oh, no...!" "I think..." "Dougal..." "We'll have to resort to Plan B." "# Ahhh... #" "Wonderful!" "Wonderful!" "Something else!" "And now on to our next act." "All the way from Craggy Island, could you please welcome" "Father Ted Crilly and Father Dougal McGuire!" "(Applause )" "(Monotone ) # My lovely horse running through the..." "# Field" "# Where are you going" "# With your fetlocks blowing in the..." "# Wind" "# I want to shower you with sugar lumps" "# And ride you over..." "# Fences" "# And polish your hooves every single day" "# And send you to the horse..." "# Dentist" "# My lovely horse you're a pony no..." "# More" "# Running around with a man on your back" "# Like a train in the night, Like a train in the... #" "I can get this." "# Night... #" "(Silence )" "(Laughter)" "Well, we did it!" "Don't ask me how, but we did it!" "It's simple, Father - yours was the best song." "I suppose so." "But I didn't think the audience were going for it." "(Gibberish)" "Yeah, yeah..." "Cheers!" "What's going on?" "!" "Our song was clearly miles better!" "Well, we thought..." "It was the same note over and over again!" "Yes, but we admired its erm... (Gibberish)" "Exactly!" "Fred put it better than I ever could." "So there!" "You'd think you wanted Ireland to lose the Euro contest!" "(Laughs)" "(Nervous laughter)" "Nonsense!" "Why would we want to do that?" "!" "Maybe because it was costing you too much to stage(!" ")" "Oh-oh-ho, dear, dear, dear!" "Now, come on!" "Does that really sound plausible?" "Go and count your sour grapes before...they hatch." "Better luck next time!" " We lost, Cyril!" " Really...?" "Come on!" "Anyway, Father, I'm sure you'll do very well at the Eurosong Contest." "I think we will." "Europe, here we come!" "We'd better sneak them out the back." "That's a nasty crowd out there." "'Thank you, Athens." "That's a total of 103 for Belgium." "'Now, could we have the points for Ireland's entry, My Lovely Horse.'" "'Irelande, nil points.'" "'Ireland, no points.'" "'Irlanda, nada.'" "'Ireland, no points.'" "'Irlandia, meethen vathmee.'" "'Ireland, no points.'" "'Irlande, keine punte.'" "'Ireland, no points.'" "'Irshka, bash bodova.'" "'Again, Ireland - no points.'" "'Irlandia, nurda proken.'" "'Ireland, n-nothing there again.'" "'Irlande, nil punten.'" "'Ireland, no points.'" "'Irlinia, nurda purda.'" "'That means nothing.'" "'Irlenski, nurte point lete.'" "'Nothing.'"