"I've been searching for a long time" "To find someone to be mine" "I never thought you'd come along" "Now that you're here All my worries are gone" "Oh, sweet you" "Sweet you" "All of my dreams have all come true" "You're just the one I've been looking for" "I didn't know how long it would take" "But good things come to those who wait" "Now I can't ask for anything more" "You're everything I've been looking for" "Sweet you" "Nobody, nobody, nobody will ever do" "You're just the one I've been looking for" "You're just the one I've been looking for" "Nights were dark Days got longer" "My mind was weak when my heart stayed strong" "Then you came along and rescued me" "Please don't you ever set me free" "Oh, no" "Sweet you Sweet you" "Nobody, nobody, nobody will ever do" "You're just the one I've been looking for" "Nights were dark Days got longer" "My mind was weak when my heart stayed strong" "Then you came along and rescued me" "Please don't you ever set me free" "Oh, no" "Synedyne technical support." "This is Suzanne." "How can I help you ?" "Synedyne technical support." "This is Rachel." "How can I help you ?" "This is Elliot." "How can I help you ?" "Oh." "Oh, wow." "Yeah, okay." "Give me a second to find you here." "My computer's running a little slow today." "Wake up, fella." "Oh, there you are." "Hey, you got yourself a model 5732, 128 megs of RAM, 27 gig hard drive." "Good." "Good." "And you say that it hangs every time you try and print ?" "Wow." "All right, no problem." "Can you hold for two seconds ?" "Carol!" "Carol." "I don't know what you've been told, little lady, but the rest of us start at 9:00." "I'm kidding." "I'm just kidding." "Good morning." "Hey, Dan, my man !" "What's up, my bro ?" "Put it there." "All right." "Yeah." "So, hoops today ?" "You and the guys up for some hoopage after work ?" "Uh, you know, we don't know yet, Elliot." "I'm not sure yet, okay ?" "Oh, that's cool, man." "Just let me know, 'cause I'm there, bud." "'Cause I love the round ball." "That's why they call me "A ir Elliot."" " Okay." "Well, you know, make sure that you let me know the right time, 'cause last week you said 6:30, and when I got there you guys were just leaving." " How stupid did you feel ?" " Pretty stupid, Elliot." "Not a problem, Danny." "Give it up." " Hey, Daniel." " Hey, man, how you doing ?" "Hey, Bob." " What's up ?" " Hey, Elliot." "So, uh, you and your posse gonna hit the brewery tonight ?" "My posse ?" "No." "Uh, they're all busy with the big, uh" " What's wrong with your neck ?" " Uh, nothing." "It's repetitive stress disorder." "It's a headset injury." "What do you say you and me go knock back suds and check out the babes ?" "Elliot, I'm married, remember ?" " I'm gonna go home and spend some time with my wife." " Ohhh." "Taking a trip to Whipville." "Oooh." "That just gets funnier every time you do that." " Don't-Don't-Don't" " Hey,Jerry!" "Jerry,Jerry, bo-berry Fee, fie, fo-ferry,Jerry" " What's happening, brother ?" " Uh, running to an important meeting." "Oh, yeah ?" "I think you're gonna appreciate this 'cause we're both stereo component nuts." " Check these out, homes." "These are the new Ingebritzens." " Right." "XVC speakers." "Here, look it." "That's the back of the left speaker." " And here's the front of the right speaker." " Sweet, sweet." "That's the front of the left- No, that's the right speaker." " I think" " Oh, man !" " What ?" " It's Elliot." "Who told him we were here ?" " Oh !" "Hi." "You guys." "Well, well, well, isn't this a big surprise ?" "I thought everybody was busy." " Uh, slight change of plans, Elliot." " Oh, is that right ?" "Well, I'm a little bit peeved at you guys." "I'm thinking you tried to ditch me." "I'm thinking I might not even sit down with you." " We can understand that." "See you tomorrow." " Later, Elliot." "I'm kidding." " Wanna switch places with me ?" " No, I'm fine." "Oh, my goodness gracious." "You've got to be kidding me." "Please, please don't tell me you have a thing for Alison Gardner." "Please." "You're way out of your league." "Plant life is out of his" " Isn't she dating that guy, uh, uh, in research ?" "Brian, with the teeth- Brad, Brian- the guy with the teeth." "No, that's been over for three months now." " Oh, yeah ?" "How do you know ?" " I know a lot of things about her." "I know" " I know that she likes her bagels buttered, but not toasted." " Wow." " How specific." "I know that she looks beautiful in any color, but when she wears blue" " Mm-mm-mm." " Sounds like you guys are old friends." "Well, we have been working at the same company for four years now." "You spend that much time together, you get to know each other." "So it should be really no problem for you to just get up, walk over and say hello to her." " She's with somebody." "I'll catch up with her tomorrow." " Yeah." "Oh !" "Come on, Elliot." "Come clean here." " You have never spoken to Alison Gardner, right ?" " Of course I have." " Did I say " queer" earlier ?" " Oh, you are pathetic, Elliot." "Really, you're pathetic." "Okay." "I guess you guys are just not gonna let me relax until I go over there and say hello." " Wow." "That'll make you happy ?" "You think I'm pathetic ?" " Don't touch me." " Go for it, tiger." "Good luck." "I'm gonna go." "See you later." " Hi." " Hi." "Do I know you ?" "Oh, I should hope so." "Uh, we've only been working together at Synedyne for the last four years." "I'm Elliot Richards." "We-We've spoken." "I'm sorry." "I-I don't" "It was the first week ofJune three years ago." "I said it was " wet out."" "We were standing in the lobby and I said it was " really wet out."" " It was raining at the time." " I assumed that." "Yeah." "So, here we are talking again." "Yeah." "Uh, well, take it easy." "You know, I'm here with some friends and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to" "Dear God, I would give anything to have that girl in my life." " Hi." " Hello." "Uh, I was wondering if, uh, this is" "Uh, I was standing over there and the" "You're very glib." "I bet you're a whiz with the ladies." " Well" " You here alone ?" "No, uh, I'm here with some buddies from work" " I saw you talking to a woman." " Um" "Yeah, yeah." "But..." "I'm not with her." "But you'd like to be, huh ?" " What makes you say that ?" " Oh, I don't know." "When a man says he'd give anything to have a certain woman in his life," "I just assume she means something to him." "How did you hear me say that ?" "I was standing all the way over" "I have fantastic hearing, and a number of other equally impressive talents." "Ho-doggie !" "Let's go someplace quiet so we can talk." "Um, okay." "You" " What ?" "You wanna talk to me ?" "Is that a problem ?" "You're not attracted to me ?" "Uh, no." "I think you're hot." "Baby, you have no idea." " Kiss me." " What ?" "Here ?" "Don't be afraid to explore new horizons." "Um" "Can you give us two seconds, girls ?" "Yeah, can you give us two seconds ?" "Sure." "Whatever." "Listen." "Whoo !" "You seem really nice... in a strong, scary kind of a way." "But my friends are, uh, probably waiting for me, so, I'm" " I'm gonna just get going." "You're so nervous, Elliot." "How do you know my name ?" "I'm psychic." "Plus, it's on your name tag." "Duh." "Now, then, I just wanna talk business for a second." "Oh, um, I'm not into that." "I mean, I" " I've never paid for sex before." "Except this one time." "It was an Internet thing." "You can't help it." "Every time you sign on, it's sex, sex, sex." "I'm not a hooker, you silly boy." "I just wanna ask you a question." "How would you like to make one simple decision... that'll change your life forever ?" "Okay, I'm glad Scientology works for you, but" "Just listen." "What if I told you that I had the cataclysmic power... to give you anything and everything you've always dreamed of?" " Who are you ?" " Promise not to tell anyone ?" "Okay." "Cross your heart and hope to die ?" "Yeah." "I'm the Devil." "Okay." "I think somebody's had "tee many martoonis."" "I am the Devil, Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness." "Well, the Princess of Darkness, anyway." "Here's my card." "Oh." ""The Devil." Yep." "That explains it." "Now I believe you." "Night-night." " You're a very skeptical person, you know that ?" "How did you- How did you just" " And you" " What's" " Look." "If you could just buy into this whole " I'm the Devil" thing, it'll save us both a lot of these questions." "Maybe I should call you a cab." "Although it's gonna be hard to find one that'll go to Hell this time of night." "Ooh, what a delightfully piquant wit." "I can see we're gonna get along famously." "Cheers, darling." "What are- You can't" " Look at" "Geez !" "You can't do that." "That's very dangerous." "Listen here." "Why is this so hard for you to believe ?" "Do you think your mommy and daddy just made me up so you'd be a good boy ?" "Okay, okay, you're the Devil." "What do you want with me ?" "I want you to be happy, Elliot." "You have such potential." "All you need is a little push in the right direction." " I am happy." " Oh, please." "You don't have to lie to me." "I know every dark thought in your tiny little mind." "I know that every night you go home to your horrible little apartment... and you eat your little frozen dinner and you make your little bowl of popcorn... and you watch TV and you can't keep your eyes open anymore." "And then you crawl off to bed... and wonder why you're alone and nobody likes you." " Not every night." " And you cry." "Yeah, sure." "I know what's in your heart, Elliot." "You could cry right now." "I'm talking about reinvention." "Taking control of your destiny." "You wanna be liked ?" "You wanna be loved ?" "How about respected ?" "How about feared ?" "What exactly are we talking about ?" "You wanna see how it works, baby ?" "Wish for something." " Like what ?" " Whatever you want." "It's yours." "Just say the word." "Okay, I... wish I had a Big Mac and a large Coke." "It is done." "Hi, how are you doing ?" "What can I get you ?" " A Big Mac and a large Coke." " Fries ?" " No." " Comes to $3.47." "Do you have $3.47 ?" "I left my purse in the underworld." "Oh, yes !" "This truly is the work of the Devil." "And to think that I doubted you." "I'm gonna go now." " What's the problem ?" " This doesn't prove anything !" "I could have done this myself." "I even had to pay for it." "There's no such thing as a free lunch." "Didn't anyone ever tell you that ?" " I didn't even get any fries !" " Oh, I don't believe this." "I'm offering you the opportunity of a lifetime and all you can do is moan about French fries ?" " Good night." " Fine." "Okay." "I'm obviously not getting through to you, so let's just forget it." "Come." "I'll give you a lift back to your car." "That's your car ?" "Hey, hey !" "There's Elliot !" "Elliot, right here." "Right here, Elliot." "Where are we ?" "Just a little after-hours club I own." "We better get in there." "Everyone's waiting for you." " Everyone who ?" " All your friends." "How are you doing, Mr. Richards ?" "Hey, hey, Elliot." " No way." "This is your club ?" " Sure is." "Wow !" "Elliot !" "Hello, Elliot." " Hello." " Elliot, dance with me first." " No, Elliot, dance with me." " He's dancing with me first." " You can dance with me." " That's enough." "Break it up." "He belongs to me." "Hey, Elliot, how the hell are you ?" "Somebody take a picture of me and Elliot." " Hold it." " Excellent." " Hi, Elliot." " Ooh." "I think she likes you too." " You hungry?" " Sort of." " Look." " Wow." "These look just like the cookies my grandma used to bake." " Try one." " Okay." " These are the cookies my grandma used to bake !" " I aim to please, handsome." " Come on." " How did you" " You liked that, didn't you ?" " What, the cookie ?" "Having all those people excited to see you." "It's nice to feel accepted, isn't it ?" "I can give you that." "I can make the whole world love you." " Come on." " You still don't believe me." " Do you ?" " Of course not." "First of all, you look nothing like the Devil." "Oh, really ?" "I suppose I could have gone this way." " But it's so " trick or treat."" "It's true." "You really are the Devil." "Oh." "Come on, baby." "Come and sit down." "I know this has all been horribly overwhelming for you." " Can I ask you a question ?" " Sure you can." "You can ask me anything you like, as long as you don't ask me if there's a God." "I get that one all the time." "It drives me absolutely bonkers." "Yes, there's a God." "Really ?" "Well, what's He like ?" "You know, you'd think that meeting the Devil would be interesting enough, but no, all people want to know about is Him." "Like He's so bloody fascinating." " So, He's a man ?" " Yeah." "Most men think they're God." "This one just happens to be right." "Now listen, darling." "I don't wanna pressure you, but why don't we take a teensy little look at the contract ?" "This is pretty" " Um" ""I, Elliot Richards, hereafter known as the Damned-"" " " The Damned" ?" " How about " the Darned" ?" "Sound better ?" "Don't get hung up on the language, darling." "There's nothing sinister here." "It's all standard boilerplate." "Paragraph one states that I, the Devil, a not-for-profit cooperation... with offices in Purgatory, Hell and Los Angeles, will give you seven wishes... to use as you see fit." "Seven ?" "Why not eight ?" "Why not six ?" "I don't know." "Seven just sounds right." "Paragraph two outlines the manner in which you'll pay for the aforementioned wishes." "What ?" "Are you kidding ?" "I have to give you my soul ?" " After you've had your wishes, of course." " But it's my soul !" " I can't give you my soul !" " What are you,James Brown ?" "What's the big deal ?" "Have you ever seen your soul ?" " Do you even know what it is ?" " Of course." "It's the thing that- that" "No, that's the- It floats around" "Can I tell you something ?" "Souls are overrated." "They don't really do anything." "Has yours done anything for you so far ?" "No." "It's like your appendix." "You'll never even miss it." "Yeah, well, if it's so useless, then how come you want it so much ?" "Ooh, aren't you the clever one ?" "Look, who's really making out on this deal here ?" "Seven utterly fabulous wishes for one piddling little soul ?" "Well, I don't know." "What have we here ?" "But who is that ?" "Alison ?" "How did you" "She is so beautiful." " I've been waiting for you for so long." " Who's that ?" " Who's she with ?" " I want you now, my love." " Why are you showing me this ?" " I'm yours forever, my darling." " Oh, I love your hair like that." "You must go through conditioner like crazy." " Is this real ?" " It could be." "All you have to do is sign." " And you promise I'll get her ?" " It's really up to you." "You're the one with the wishes." "But I promise I'll do everything in my power." "Sign it, Elliot." "Please, Elliot." "I'm waiting." " Great !" "Now, before you start wishing, you'll be needing this." "If for any reason your wish isn't going the way you hoped, just take out the pager, hit 666... and it'll bring you right back to me." "Why wouldn't it go the way that I'd hoped ?" "Oh, I was just throwing that out as a " for instance."" "Every wish is gonna be 100% fabulous." "But you'll find that out as soon as you make one." "So, I should make one now ?" "Well, if you don't mind." "I've got places to go, people to condemn to an eternity of fiery torment." "Okay." "Um, let me think." " I wanna be married to Alison." " You got it." "Um, that's not all." "I wanna be rich." " Always a popular choice." " That's not all." "I wanna be very rich and very powerful." "Oh, even better." "Remember, you have to say " I wish."" "Right." "I wish that I were married to Alison... and that I were very, very rich and very powerful." " How's that sound ?" " Sounds good to me." "Enjoy." "Que diablos !" " Bueno." " Roberto." "Si." "Corazon." "Corazon!" "I am is to visiting in the Los Angeles... for the time of vacations." "Idiota!" "Jefe." "Corazon." "Es cocaina!" "Alejandro ?" " Alejandro ?" "Roberto ?" "Esteban ?" "Seis, seis, seis." " Back so soon ?" "You turned me into a drug dealer." "They almost killed me." " You asked for rich and powerful." " Not like that." "Goes with the territory, babe." "Root of all evil." "Ring any bells ?" " What about Alison ?" "What got into her ?" " I think it was Raoul." "Yeah !" "That's not what I wished for." "Well, hold on now, mister." "You wished that the two of you were married." "You didn't say anything about her loving you." "Well, you know, when two people get married, I assume that" "There's your mistake." "May I suggest something ?" " What ?" " The rich and powerful thing wasn't really the way to go." "Everyone wishes for that first thing out of the gate and it never pans out." " Really ?" " The fact of the matter is... women aren't really attracted to wealth and power." " They're not ?" " No, of course not." "They couldn't give a fig for all that rubbish." "What you need to figure out is what she does want in a man." "How do I find that out ?" "Easy." "I'm not with her !" " Where are we ?" " Aplace you never would have seen without my help." "Welcome to Alison's bedroom." " We can't be in here." "This is breaking and entering." "I know." "It's fun, isn't it ?" "I'm sure we're gonna find the answer somewhere around here." " What if Alison catches us ?" " Don't worry." "She won't be able to see you." " Besides, she's in the shower... naked." "Right behind that door." "Go on." "Go ahead." "Take a peep." " No !" " Oh, come on." "We both know you want to." "You must think that I'm really perverted, don't you ?" "That's what you think." "You think I'm some sad, desperate, twisted, pathetic loser." " Yes." " Well, in that case, maybe I'll just take a quick look." "Focus, Elliot." "Remember, we're here to find out what kind of man she wants." " How are we gonna do that ?" " Well, she keeps a journal." "Aha." "And here it is." "Right." "I should be able to find some information in here you'll find useful." " Hey, that's private stuff." " Is it ever." "Listen to this." ""Last night was the most incredible night of my life." ""I never did find out any of the guys' names, but I brought them back here... and all five of them banged me like a Salvation Army drum."" " What ?" " Just kidding." "I could have been a writer." "Hey, it's okay." "She could bump into you and she wouldn't feel it." "Now, this is good." ""I meet many attractive men who are interested in me," ""and while many of them are handsome or clever or very successful," ""I find myself turning away from them..." ""and searching the horizon for someone else." ""I don't know who he is or where I'll find him." ""I only know that he is a sensitive man." ""He's a man who is in touch with his emotions." ""He's a man who's not afraid to share his fears," ""his disappointments and his tears." "Where are you, my sensitive man ?"" "Did you see that ?" "She passed right through me." "We were one person for a split second, just like in Ghost." "Darling, I've got an earthquake in Chile in eight minutes." "Any chance of making a wish here ?" "Yes." "I wish..." "I were the most sensitive man in the world." "Right." "Okay." "Wait !" "I wish I were the most emotionally sensitive man in the world." "Damn." "I was hoping you wouldn't catch that." "I could have had a lot of fun with that one." " And I want her to love me." " Oh." "You know what ?" "I have a great feeling about this." " You do ?" " Yeah, but... what do I know, right ?" " Hey." " I'm back, my love." " Where did you run off to ?" " I went to make a garland of beach plums... to place atop your glorious head like a crown." "But then I caught sight of that sunset and..." "I don't know, something stirred inside me... and I had to stop and weep." "Mmm, it's beautiful." "It is." " There I go again." " Tissue ?" "No, I never wipe my tears away." "I'm not ashamed of them." "I wear them proudly, like small, wet, salty badges of emotional truth." "Elliot, um, there's something that I think that we should talk about." "Um, we've been together for what, about three weeks now ?" " Three magical weeks." " Three magical weeks." "And I don't think that I've ever met a man who's been more in touch..." " with his feelings." " I love you... so very much." "I love you too." " Dudley !" "Peter !" "I'm sorry." "They're such little devils." "Come on, you naughty boys." "See ya." "I'm sorry." "Are you okay ?" "Um, do you need comforting on any level ?" "No, no, no, I'm fine." "Have I done or said anything to make you feel less good about you ?" " No, no, no, I'm fine." " Would you like something to eat ?" "I made a salad nicoise with dolphin-safe tuna." "Oh, wow." " What is it ?" " It's that sunset again." "And I worry about the dolphins." "I wrote a song about them." "Would you like to hear it ?" "Now ?" "I-I" "Mayo-nayo-naise" "Swimming by the sandy shore Dancing up among the waves" "Dolphin, dolphin I adore" "Everything you are" "You're so much more than a fish to me" "My playful friend beneath the sea" " I have to stop." " Good !" "I mean, oh, why ?" "Because I'm looking at you and I'm seeing all the beauty... of the world shining at me through your eyes." " Would you mind if I sketched you ?" " I didn't know you could draw." "I'm not an artist, per se." "Okay, Elliot, there's something that I think I really have to say." "Elliot, that's amazing !" "Compared to you, it's nothing." "Compared to your smile... and the blush of your cheek and the sound of your voice as it floats on the evening breeze." "Compared to you, that sunset's just" "When is that darn thing gonna set ?" " Maybe we should go." " No, wait." "There's so much that I wanna say to you, but I just can't find the words." "I have an idea." "I would like... to improvise a sonnet about your hair." "How wonderful my fair one's face" "Excuse me, fellas." "Might I ask you to... take the horseplay down to another part of the beach ?" "Uh, no." "You know, rather than get confrontational, why don't we all just sit down together, have some salad with dolphin-safe tuna and see if we can't start a dialogue." "You know, I had a feeling that you were gonna" "Okay, guys, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you... to respect the moment that my woman friend and I are sharing... because it's a special celebration of love and caring... and a unique spiritual and emotional understanding." " You wanna get a beer ?" " Sure." "Alison, excuse me, but I thought that this was our time together." "It's just a beer." "I'll be back in two seconds." "Actually, my place is like 40 minutes from here." " That's fine." "Which way is your car ?" " It's a van." " Great." " Alison, I respect your uniqueness and individuality." "And you're your own person, and if you want to go with our new friends here... to get a drink, I won't stand in your way." " Okay, thanks, El." "I knew you'd understand." " No, wait !" "Don't go !" "I can't handle this kind of rejection !" "Why don't you wanna stay here with me ?" "You wanna know why ?" "Because you're just too sensitive !" "I'm about to go out of my mind here." "It's been wonderful, and God knows I love you, but enough is enough !" "I just wanna be with a man who will ignore me and take me for granted... and who's only pretending to be interested in who I am... and what I think so he can get into my pants." " That would be me." " Oh, thank you !" "Let's get out of here." "Alison, wait !" "Alison!" "I'll get into your pants !" "Oh, Elliot, get out of there, you silly boy." " Oh, man, you are so bad." " Why, thank you." "Just admit it." "You're not very good at this whole instant travel thing, are you ?" "I'm sorry." "Now then, what were we talking about ?" "Oh, your next wish, wasn't it ?" "Don't think I don't see what you're doing." "I make wishes, you think up ways to ruin them." "I've ruined them ?" "How can you say that ?" "I'm not perfect, you know." "Do you think I enjoy this ?" "I'm stuck in this horrible job for eternity." "Everybody hates me." "I can't sleep." "And when I actually try to help someone, they turn on me like I'm supposed to be God or something." "Well, for your information, my life is a living hell." "I work hard." "I try to look good for you." "You do look good." "You-You look very good." "I just wanted you to like me." "Oh, come on." "I do like you." "It's just I'm feeling a little frustrated here." "Don't give up on me, Elliot." "I'm not giving up on you." "Nobody gets it totally right right away." "You're doing great, really." " I am ?" " Yeah, you are." "I'm so sorry your wish didn't work out." "Friends ?" "Sure." "Listen, I'm sorry if I said anything to upset you or make you feel bad." "And I'm gonna try to be more sensitive next time." " I think you're sensitive enough already." " You think ?" "Are you kidding ?" "You even went for me crying." "Hey !" "Were you just faking me out ?" "I was 100% sincere." "It's not easy being the Barbra Streisand of Evil." " Now, what have we learned so far ?" "Well, let's see." " I'm starting to think women don't know what they want." " Amen !" "They say they want sensitivity, but did you see how fast Alison went for..." " those tough-guy dudes on the beach ?" " Which tells you ?" "That" " Well, it tells me that I wanna be really big and strong." "You know, I wanna have a great body and be tall and" " Like" " Go on." " And I wanna be athletic." " Check." " And I wanna be rich too." "But I want it to be for something that I like doing, and people really like me for." "Great !" "This is getting really specific." "Let's see- big, strong, rich, athletic, something you like, lots of fans" " Are you thinking what I'm thinking ?" " Oh, I hope so." " In the form of a wish ?" " I wish I could play professional basketball." "Then I'll just say the magic words:" "Dennis Rodman." " No !" "Just kidding." "MichaelJordan." "Yeah !" "Three, two, one !" "And that's it." "That's the game." "The fans are going nuts here at the Forum in Los Angeles." "The score: 135 to 85." "Elliot Richards has totally dominated." "If you're just tuning in, it's a shame because you just missed... one of the greatest performances in the history of sports." "Absolutely,Jerry." "Absolutely." "People said basketball caught fire with the " ascendry" of MichaelJordan." "But I tell you, after what we seen here tonight, a lot of people are gonna be saying, " Michael who ?"" "Right from the get-go, the fans took a look at Elliot Richards... and a couple women fainted." "And a couple fellas" " I'd rather not say-but they liked what they saw." "Absolutely." "He's a big fella and an imposing fella." "He's enormous." "He's listed at 7'6" in the program, but I'd say he plays the game like he's 11 feet tall." "No, I don't think he that big,Jerry." "No, I'm saying the game he plays is-is-is- is that of some Viking giant... with a basketball in one hand and a club in the other... standing 10, 11, 12 feet tall." "It's obvious Elliot Richards controlled this game right from the tip-off." "Right from the get-go, Elliot was a dominating force in tonight's game." "He was Phi Slamma Jamma runnin'stank all over it... with rib-ticklin'jumps of double vanilla funk." "Let's take a look." "Here's a pass worthy ofJohn Elway." "For the dunk!" "Such a beautiful play." "Here he is lining up for the three." "And Ricola!" "It's good!" "Here comes his patented over-the-shoulder, no-look three-pointer." "And nothing but net!" "They're in the zone." "Here he is soaring through the air like the man... on the flying "trapezius, " and bam !" "That's what I'm talking about!" "Destroying the backboard on the glass." "This kid's an animal." " Let's take a look at that dunker again." " It's boom !" "Humpty-hump-dump-dump." "Ha-ha!" "I love this game, folks." "I sure enough do." "Elliot Richards spitting glass at your ass." "Bob is courtside with Elliot Richards now." "Let's go to Bob Bob." "Thank you,Jerry and Dan." "Elliot, you must be one very proud young man this evening." "Simply put, that was a staggeringly dramatic display of athletic ability." "Uh, well, you know, you go out there and you give 110%." "And you wanna play good." "And you hope you play good." "I think we played pretty good tonight." "Well, in the lexicon of sports terminology, and I don't mean to sound contrary here, the word " good" falls tragically short of encompassing the sheer virtuosity of your performance." "Um, well, you know, there's no " I" in the word " team,"" "and this is a team effort." "And I just wanna say that I'm real proud to be associated with... these fine individuals that I have the pleasure of working with." "Now, I would never wanna dis your teammates in any way, shape or form, but you do realize that you smashed Wilt Chamberlain's unbreakable record... of 100 points in a single basketball game set in Hershey, Pennsylvania, years ago ?" "Man, you just gotta play one game at a time and go out there and give 110%... and you gotta show that you want it more than they do when the chips fall where they may." "Thank you very much." "Back to you,Jerry and Dan." "All right !" "Diablos !" "Number one !" "Yeah !" "Elliot." "Hi." "Alison Gardner." "The Sporting News." " Oh." "It's nice to meet you, ma'am." "God, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to meet you." "I was just wondering if there was a possibility... you might consider doing something exclusive with me, uh, for the magazine ?" "Maybe more intimate, one-on-one,just the two of us." "Yeah, right." "I'd kill you in one-on-one." "Shoot !" "God, it's so exciting to be here." "I mean, uh, you must have an enormously huge... talent to do what you do." "Well, you know, you go out there and you just give 110%." "And, uh, you hope you play good." "You wanna play good." " I bet." " I think we played pretty good tonight." "Oh, God,you were incredible tonight." "I mean, watching you," "I just kept thinking how unbelievably big... your, uh, ego must be after a game like that." "Oh, not that big, really." " I bet it's pretty big." " Well, I guess a little bit bigger." " It depends on how happy I am." " Oh !" " Whoo." "God." " Heck." "Wanna go back to my place ?" "I'll show you my bottle cap collection." "Oh, God, that would- that would be tremendous." " All right, well" " God." "I should, uh- I should get dressed." "I can't wait." " Oh, my God !" "Hey, what the hell !" "Oh, God, there's" "Hey !" "Damn !" " Um" " Oh, heck !" " Oh !" " I just remembered there's just this teeny, tiny thing..." " I forgot to do." " What's teeny ?" " No, no, no." "It's something I have to write." " About me ?" "Yeah,just a little, short, itty-bitty blurb about tonight's game." "Well, uh, can I see you after the road trip ?" "I would love to, but I'm- I'm working on a really big, huge, enormous story on the N.F.L., so I probably won't have time." "Oh, shoot." "I understand." "You gotta give 110%." " Right." " Stay within yourself." "Hey, oh, yeah." "Hey, um, thanks for your time." "So long." "Oh" "What the hell ?" "Oh, damn the Devil." "Damn the Devil to Hell !" "Oh, shoot !" "Darn it !" "Where the heck did I put that" "Five, five, five." "Seven, seven, seven." "Come on !" "Oh !" "Duh !" "Six, six" " Now what are you doing ?" " You seem so upset, Elliot." "Do you want something to relax ?" "You bet I'm upset." "You gave me, like, this little teeny-weeny winkie." "Well, that's easily fixed, you know." "Now then, let's see." "Here's some MMs for room 320." " Red Hots for 316." " You're giving them candy ?" "Placebos." "They work just as well as the real thing." "It's a scientific fact." "You can't give sick people Tic Tacs !" "Sick people have notoriously bad breath." "I'm performing a public service here." "Now then, about your next wish." "All right, okay." "Um" "Well, I wanna be smart." "No, I wanna be really smart." "And I wanna be able to talk good- well." " What is the word- - " Articulate" ?" "Articulate." "Yeah." "I wanna be articulate." "And I wanna be witty and sophisticated, charming." "I wanna know everything about everything... and I wanna be popular and I wanna be good-looking." "No, no, make that great-looking." "And I want Alison to fall absolutely head over heels in love with me." " Anything else ?" " Like what ?" "Like winkie-wise ?" "Oh, right." "Um" "Yeah, well, um," "I wanna be- I wanna be big." "Not like practical joke big, but, you know, sort of" "Yeah, like that." "Is that clear ?" "Crystal." "You just say " I wish" and I'll fill in the rest." "Okay." "I wish that I was witty and articulate" "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." "You've got it, smarty-pants." "Take two of these and call me in the morning." "Oh, Elliot!" "Oh, it so wonderful to see you, darling." "Oh, New York has been so deadly dull without you." "Where have you been ?" "Oh, out in the Hamptons, of course." "Up to my ears in my new book." "Another one ?" "You've written four books in three years." "My God." " What's this one about ?" " Oh, same old, same old." "It's a critical deconstruction of the Neo-Romantic period in art and literature... from the political and economic perspective of the Industrial Revolution." "I can't imagine who reads this stuff!" "Well, Elliot, the critics, apparently." "It's already won the Pulitzer Prize and it hasn't even been published yet." "Well, like they say, Dr. Oingegedaydegegedaybaba, a Pulitzer Prize and $3.50 will get you a cafe latte." "So modest." "Darling, you really should get around." "Everyone's dying to see you." "Mingle." "Oh, darling, you look fabulous." "Badgely Mishka ?" " What a charming man." "Who is that ?" " Oh, that's Elliot Richards." "He's a very successful writer." "He's a very successful everything, as a matter of fact." "That's Elliot Richards ?" "Oh, I've read all his books." "He's brilliant." "I had no idea he was so handsome." "Well, why don't you go over and talk to him ?" " I couldn't." "What would I say ?" " I wouldn't worry about that." "Just, uh, let him do all the talking." "It's a common misapprehension that the word " gin" comes from the city Geneva." "Actually, the word " geneva" - small " g" - is a corruption of genievre, which of course is French for "juniper,"" "the wonderful berry that flavors this miraculous libation." "Speaking of miraculous." "I'm Elliot Richards." "How do you do ?" "I know who you are." "I'm Alison Gardner." "I just had to tell you how much I loved your novel Always Toujours." "Well, I was just trying to make a simple point really." "Every time I've reread Camus and Sartre," "I kept thinking to myself," ""Why does the existential dilemma have to be so damn bleak ?"" " Yes." " Yes, we're alone in the universe." "Yes, life is meaningless, death is inevitable." "But is that necessarily so depressing ?" "I couldn't agree more." "Don't you think that secular humanism is yummy ?" "Ooh, delish." "My, my." "They say that alcohol is a disinhibitor and it seems to be working very well on me." "Me too." "What an exquisite feeling." "Every cell in my body just wants to reach out and touch someone." "Yes, it's incredible, isn't it ?" "Mm-hmm." "Thy physiology of touch." "Just below your epidermis, concentrated in your fingertips, the palms of your hands, the soles of your feet, the clitoris, nipples, penis," "lips, tongue." "Thousands and thousands of tiny little Meissner's corpuscles... all deliciously sensitive to even the slightest caress... sending all those tiny little endorphin-producing pleasure messages... to the hypothalamus" "the primitive brain." "I'm tingling all over." "Do you know the largest organ in the human body ?" "I can guess." "You'd be wrong." "It's your integumentary system." "Your... creamy... soft... and completely desirable skin." " Can we go to your place ?" " Mais certainment." "Oh, this is so perfect." "Everything here absolutely screams..." ""Elliot Richards."" "Actually, most of the screaming... takes place... in the bedroom." " What the hell is going on, Mary ?" " Who are you ?" " Don't play games with me, Mr. Richards." "I'm in no mood." "I've been out of my mind all night." " Oh, my God." " Hi." "Who's your little friend?" " Maybe I should be running along." " Wait." "This is a mistake." "I'm not gay." "Oh, really ?" "And I'm Tony Danza !" " Honestly, I swear it." "I'm not." " Then tell me, who was in the Broadway cast of The Pajama Game ?" "Janis Paige,John Raitt, Eddy Foy,Jr." "I assume you mean the original cast because there was a revival in 1973 that starred..." "Hal Linden and Barbara McNair- I am gay !" " I rest my case." " Wait." "I can prove to you that I am not gay." "Kiss me." "Oh!" "This is just sad!" "Will you shut up, bitch !" "Please, Alison, let me kiss you." "Remember the champagne and the corpuscles ?" "All right, Elliot, kiss me." "I'm gay." "Well, thanks for dropping by." " Good night." " All right." "Bu-bye." "You've been drinking again, haven't you ?" "This is like the night you had all those Brandy Alexanders and ran up and down Fire Island... with your cute little Speedos singing "Evergreen. "" "And so the cow was returned to its rightful owner." " Okay, boys, tonight's homework." "Algebra. " X" to the nth plus " Y" to the nth equals " Z" to the nth." "You're never gonna use that, are you ?" ""Imperialism and the First World War."" "Well, what's done is done, I say." "No point in thinking about it now." ""German, French, Spanish."" "Ja,ja." "Oui, oui." "Si, si." "It's nonsense." "Everyone speaks English anyway." "And if they don't, they ought to." "So, no homework tonight." "But I want you to watch a lot of television, don't neglect your video games... and I'll see you in the morning, shall we say, 10:00, 10:30 ?" "No point in getting up too early, is there ?" "Elliot, darling." "What a lovely surprise." " I hope you had a pleasant evening." " As if you didn't know." "Oh, I'm sorry, darling." "I know it must be really frustrating for you." " I'll make it up to you somehow." " Oh, yeah, you've been a really big help so far." "I know." "I've been really naughty, haven't I ?" "Maybe a good spanking's in order." "Is that all you ever think about ?" "Do you think everything is about sex ?" "No, of course not." "I mean, there's greed, gluttony, sloth, anger, vanity, envy." "No, there's also honesty and hard work... and caring about people and doing good for somebody else." "Oh." "You're just a big Boy Scout, aren't you ?" "I find that incredibly appealing." "No !" "All I've been doing is thinking about myself." "I could be doing all these really important things to help other people." " What about Alison ?" " Oh, I don't know anymore." "You mess it up anyway." "I know that Alison's not really like that." "What exactly do you have in mind ?" "I wanna do something great for mankind." "I wanna help create a better world." "I wanna go down in history for doing something really, really important... and I want Alison to take me really seriously and to treat me with respect." "I sense a wish coming on." "Yes !" "I wish that I was the President of the United States." "That is the noblest, most unselfish thing I've ever heard." "And it's a great way to meet girls." "Bless you, Elliot Richards, and Godspeed." "Mr. President." "Alison Gardner." "We're so honored to have you here, sir." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "The actors are beside themselves with excitement." "We're going to a play ?" "I think you'll find it quite amusing." "It's called Our American Cousin." "I think I've already seen it." "As a matter of fact, I'm sure I have." "I don't think you've seen it, sir." "It's an entirely new play." "Really ?" "I think I know how it ends, anyway." " Can't we just go to a movie ?" " A what ?" " The President!" "You seem tense tonight, Mr. President." "Oh, well, you know, I have a lot on my mind, what, with preserving the Union and my wife going crazy and all." "Can I help you find something, Mr. President ?" "Yeah, I'm looking for my pager." " Your what, sir ?" " My pager." "It's this... little red plastic thingy." "Looks kind of like a cell phone, only smaller." " I'm sorry!" "Sorry!" "Ha !" "Ha !" "All right." "No problem." "No problem !" "No problem !" "No problem." "Sic semper tyrannis !" "Wait !" "Okay." " You're late, Richards." " Uh, yes, sir." "I'm very sorry." "It won't happen again." "See that it doesn't." "I don't think a person with your extremely limited... personal and professional skills can afford to push the envelope." "Yes, sir." "Thank you, sir." " Creep." "So, tell me, how was it ?" "I'm dying to know." "What are you doing here ?" "Just think of me as a computer virus." "I think of you as a plague." "Now, will you get off my screen ?" "I have work to do." "Whoa." "What's this whole "get thee behind me" thing ?" "We still have business here, Mr. Richards." "No, not now." "I told you, I've got work to do." "And besides, I've only got two wishes left and I don't wanna screw 'em up." "Correction." "You have one wish left." "Nice try." "I've got two more coming." "Nuh-uh." "Count 'em, baby." " You were President of the United States." " Yeah, okay, one." "You were a charming, handsome, articulate, celebrated author and raconteur." "Uh-huh, yeah." "And you turned me into a flaming homosexual." " Professional basketball player." " Three." "The sensitive, caring, artistic guy was four." "And the Columbian drug lord was five." "That means I have two more coming." "You forgot the Big Mac and Coke." "What ?" "That wasn't a wish." "What do you call it ?" "You said, "I wish, "and I got it for you." "Sounds like a wish to me." "No !" "No, no, no." "No, that's not fair !" "Fair ?" "Who do you think you're talking to ?" "I don't recall anybody ever accusing me of being fair before." " I think I'm insulted." " What ?" "No, this isn't right." "You can't do this." "Well, what are you gonna do about it ?" "Sue me ?" "No, that's it !" "I've had it with you." "The whole deal is off." "Off!" "Shut up !" "Are you all right ?" "Uh, not really." "Uh" "I need to talk to God." "That's the power of prayer.Just say what's in your heart and He hears." "No, you don't understand." "I really need to talk to Him now." " It's urgent." " Is it something you could tell me ?" "Um, no, it's personal." "There's nothing you could say that I wouldn't understand." "Um" "Why don't you just try me ?" "Okay, a few days ago I sold my soul to the Devil for seven wishes." "I've already had five of them, but the Devil says I've had six, but I'm not counting the Big Mac and Coke and she is and I don't think that's fair." "Do you ?" " This is so unnecessary." " You're coming downtown with us." " I'm telling you, the Devil gypped me for a hamburger !" " Tell your story to the sergeant." "So, do you have a copy of this contract ?" "No." "I told you, she keeps it in her office." " At this nightclub in Oakland ?" " Yes, at a nightclub, and no I can't tell you where it is." "Because you promised the Devil you wouldn't ?" "No, because she drove, that's why !" "Right, in a Lamborghini Diablo." " Look, Officer" " Sergeant." "Sergeant, I know my rights." "I don't have to talk to you without a lawyer." "So, you either book me or you let me go." "Gee, are those my choices ?" "Oh, what do I do, what do I do ?" "I choose " book you." Throw him in the lockup." " Arraignment in the morning." "Drunk and disorderly." " What ?" "Hey !" " Recommending psychiatric evaluation." " It's her !" "She's the Devil !" "One more word out of you and I'll pop you one, you goddamn wacko bastard." "Now, move it." "Spread 'em." "There's no point fighting about this." "You have to learn to accept the inevitable." "We're all doomed anyway, so you might as well just get with the program, wish your way out of here and move on." "I wasn't kidding when I said I liked you." "I do, Elliot." "I think you have massive potential." "If you're looking at an eternity in Hell, let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt to have a friend like me." "So you just think about that and give me a call when you're ready." "She's the devil, that one." "What ?" "I said, she's the devil, that lady cop." "Oh." "Yeah, I guess." " So, what you in for, brother ?" " Eternity." "Ooh." "That's a long time." "You must've did some really bad shit." "Yeah." "I sold my soul." "Hope you got something good for it." "As a matter of fact, I got nothing for it." "That's a really bad deal, if you ask me." "I'm not asking you." "Doesn't really matter, though." " You can't sell your soul, anyway." " Oh, really?" "Why do you say that ?" "Doesn't really belong to you in the first place." "No way, no how." "So, who does it belong to ?" "It belongs to God, that universal spirit that animates and binds all things in existence." "The Devil gonna try to confuse you." "But that's her gig." "But in the end,you're gonna see clear to who and what you are and what you're here to do." "Now, you're gonna make some mistakes along the way." "Everybody does." "But if you just open up your heart... and open up your mind, you'll get it." "Who are you ?" "Just a friend, brother." "Just a really good friend." "Elliot!" "Elliot!" "You the man, Elliot !" "Elliot, darling." "So nice of you to drop by." " Come into my office." "Oh, don't worry about them, darling." "They're having a fabulous time." "Pathetic, aren't they ?" "Everybody wants to go to the party, but nobody wants to pay the piper." " Are you" " Don't get too excited." "It's just a Halloween costume." "Anyway, Elliot, my darling, have you thought of your last wish ?" " No." " I hate to put a rush on this, but there is a time limit." "Read your contract." "I really don't want another wish." "That's funny." "Do you think this halo's too much ?" "No." "I really don't want it." "What do you mean, you don't want it ?" "You get seven wishes." "There's nothing I want." "Well, there are things that I want, but nothing that you can give me." "What is that supposed to mean ?" "Well, um, last night when I was lying in jail, I was talking to this guy," "I realized that wishing just doesn't work." "All my life I wished to be better looking, to be richer, to be successful, talented, whatever." "And I always thought, "Wouldn't it be great if someone could just wave a magic wand... and make that happen."" "Well, I realized that it doesn't work by magic." "I think I'm gonna be sick." "I've been starting to think that... it really isn't that important how far we go in life anyway." "It's how we get there that really matters." "Oh." "Do you know, that is so inspiring." "So, it's okay ?" "Well, no, Elliot." "I'm afraid it's not okay." "A deal's a deal." "You get one more wish and I get your soul." "So, let's just get on with it, shall we ?" " I'm not gonna do it." " Oh, really ?" "Well, before you get all hinky, I think I should warn you," "I'm not all peaches and cream, you know." "I do have a darker side, and believe me, it's not pretty." "Now,you can go easy or you can go hard, but one way or another I will get your soul !" "I'm not gonna do it." "There's nothing that you can say or do that will make me." "Oh, I think you'll change your mind." "I'm just gonna slip into something a little more terrifying." "See you in Hell !" " Wait, wait, wait." "Wait a minute!" "Wait!" "Wait !" "Now listen to me, you disgusting little maggot !" "This is your last chance before the big weenie roast." "Make a wish or forever burn in Hell !" "Okay !" "Okay !" "I wish" "I wish that Alison has a happy life." "Oh, God." " Is this Heaven ?" " Heaven ?" "God, no, it's the courthouse." "I'm just meeting a couple of lawyers for lunch- clients of mine." "Come on." "Well, wait." "What happened to the whole... you know, fire and the big horny guy with the" "Oh,just a few special effects." "Sort of the Universal Studios Tour of Evil." "Normally it works pretty well, but evidently you weren't going for it." " That last wish of yours was a deal breaker." " What ?" "Nobody ever reads the contract." "Article 147, paragraph 9, subsection 3:" ""Selfless Acts of Redemption."" " Huh ?" " Basically, it says... if you commit one truly benevolent act, it voids the contract." " So I get to keep my soul ?" " Yes, you get to keep your soul." "Yes !" "Oh, yes !" "Yes, I get to keep my soul !" "Whoo !" "Hoo !" "Hoo !" "On November 16, I'll have been doing this for 6,000 years... and you're the first person to give away one of their wishes." "I hope it's not the beginning of a trend." "You're not gonna tell anyone, are you ?" "No, no, I promise." "Nope." "I don't get it, though." "I mean, why are you... being nice ?" "Look, Elliot, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret." "The whole good and evil thing, you know, Him and me, it really comes down to you." "You don't have to look very hard for Heaven and Hell." "They're right here on Earth." "You make the choice." "And I guess you just made yours." "So, I can go now ?" "Unless you want another seven wishes." "No thanks." "I didn't think so." "I really liked you, you know." "Well, to tell you the truth, you've been the best friend I've ever had." "Oh, dear." "Don't go gushy on me now." "Go on." "Go." "You'll scare the fish away." "Alison." "Hi." "Hi." "Oh, uh" "Elliot Richards." "We've met a couple of times." "Yeah, I remember." "Hi." "How are you ?" "I'm great." "I'm exaggerating." "I'm" " I'm good." "Um, the thing is we've been working together here for the last four years, and I've always noticed you and thought that... you looked like, um, a very interesting person." "I don't know how interesting I am." "Well, the truth is I don't know you and you don't know me, and I was thinking that if we were to get to know each other that... there's a chance that we just might hit it off." "So I was wondering if you wanted to go get a cup of coffee or" "That's really so nice of you." "I'm seeing someone." "Oh." "Well, of course you are." "You're" "He's sure one lucky guy." "Uh, listen, if it ever doesn't work out with him, then" " That is so nice of you." "Okay." " No, thanks a lot." " I'll see you around." " Okay, take care." "Bye." " It's a joke." " Right." "What's he gonna" "Hey, Elliot, fo-felliot, so-smelliot." "What's up, dudester ?" "Yeah." "What do you say we go down to the club tonight and we, uh, pick up some chickettes ?" "Nice talking to you, Bob." " Hey." " New neighbors ?" "Guess so." "Hi." "Oh, hi." "Hi." "You must be the boy next door." "Do you wanna give me a hand ?" "Habla ingles ?" "Sprechen Sie English ?" "Parlez vous Americano ?" " Hi." "I'm Elliot Richards." " Hey." "Nicole DeLarusso." "Don't call me Nicky, though." "'Cause everyone always calls me " Nicky."" "It starts off as Nicole, then it becomes Nicky, then Nick, then Ni, then just " Nn."" "People just call me " Nn." I'm cracking myself up here." " Hey, do you wanna give me a hand ?" " Yes, I do." " Okay." " Oh, wow." "You got the new Ingebritzens." " Oh, yeah, they're the best." " They're the best." "Um, so listen, I'd be happy to hook these up for you... so you could have some music if you wanted, you know, while you're unpacking." "I could make us some dinner." "That way you wouldn't have to cook." "Yeah, right." "Me cook." "Thank you." "Say, Nicole, you wouldn't happen to have a sister, would you ?" "No, no." "I have a lot of brothers, though." "Hey, hey, did you ever think there might be another way" "To just feel better To just feel better about today" "Oh, no, if you never wanna have to turn and go away" "You might feel better You might feel better if you stay" "Yeah,yeah" "I bet you haven't heard a word I've said" "Yeah,yeah" "You've had enough of all your trying" "Just give up the state of mind you're in" "If you wanna be somebody else" "If you're tired of fighting battles" "With yourself" "If you wanna be somebody else" "Change your mind" "Hey, hey Have you ever danced in the rain" "Or thanked the sun just for shining" "Just for shining over the sea" "Oh, no Take it all in the world's a show" "But yeah It looks much better" "It looks much better when you glow" "Yeah,yeah" "I hope you've heard every word I've said" "Yeah,yeah" "You've had enough of all your trying" "Just give up the state of mind you're in" "If you wanna be somebody else" "If you're tired of fighting battles" "With yourself" "If you wanna be somebody else" "Change your mind" "Ooo,yeah" "Ooo,yeah" "Hey, hey What you say" "We've both heard seize the day" "What's your hurry What's your hurry anyway" "Yeah,yeah" "I hope you've heard every word I've said" "Yeah,yeah" "You've had enough of all your trying" "Just give up the state of mind you're in" "If you wanna be somebody else" "If you're tired of losing battles with yourself" "If you wanna be somebody else" "Change your mind" "Ooo,yeah" " Out of your mind" " Ooo,yeah" " Just lose your mind" " Ooo,yeah"