"The semester was looking up, as we all had some romance in our lives." "Simon was going out with Lauren." "Jay was going out with brie, a child." "So wrong." "I'd stalked a couple of girls." "Just go away." "And Neil had gotten yanked in a car." "Oh, no, no!" "Pull over." "Pull over." "Yup." "For all of us, things were getting better." "And love was in the air and on the airwaves." "Oh, I love this song." "You would." "It's for 12-year-old girls." "Yeah, it's the perfect age." "Brie's like a blank sexual canvas." "She hasn't been spoiled by guys who don't know what they're doing." "Guys like you?" "Maybe ten years ago." "When you were five?" "Hey, you want to put this jam in?" "♪ Flesh to shake yeah!" "My dad's carpenter friend gave it to me." "Carpenter friend." "Works with wood, does he?" "Aw, he is not gay!" "His name is Jano, and he's really a cool guy." "He calls it a mix tape." "What's a mix tape?" "I don't know." "He's from Australia." "And he has these weird words he says." "Your dad hired a carpenter from Australia?" "Yeah, that's why he has to live with us." "[Laughs]" "He lives with you." "I wish you would have told me this music was gay before I rocked out to it." "It's just like when a transvestite lies to you." "Nobody minds a transvestite who's being up front." "It's the liars." "[Sighs]" "I need music for my date with Lauren and a cool place to take her." "She wants something edgy." "I never know what that means." "Oh, dude." "I have a sick lead on a party tonight." "Really?" "Yeah." ""Jay, party tonight." "Be there." "Details TBD." "ROTFL."" "Does that mean it's good?" "Yeah, TBD." "That's what that means." "Otherwise the cops would bust it." "Cool, well, I have to play this right, 'cause will messed with her head and almost ruined my chances." "You mean after you stole her from me and ruined my chances?" "What?" "No!" "Guys." "Guys." "Guys." "No!" "Guys!" "Let's not relitigate this." "Absolutely." "Simon, you should pull over and settle this with a punch fight." "No, I don't care." "I've given up on girls, any social life at all, really." "So things will be exactly the same." "Shut up." "I'm throwing myself into my studies." "I'm going after valedictorian." "Boo!" "Bad idea." "That's stupid." "Why are you doing that?" "Just because you threw up on a bus?" "I didn't just throw up." "I threw up, took off my clothes, and walked down the aisle in my underwear." "You don't recover from that, Simon." "[Snickers]" "But it might just be what gets me into Harvard." "But throwing myself into my studies wasn't going that well either." "You can't give me a "B."" "You're not even in the mid-80s." "Uh, if I don't get an "A,"" "I can't become valedictorian." "And, truth is, I decided to be valedictorian before I took this test." "Maybe you can make it up on the final." "But I can't." "It's mathematically impossible." "You should know that better than anyone." "Yeah, you're not gonna get there." "Fine." "Never mind." "Fine." "[Glass shattering]" "[Alarm ringing]" "Move!" "Move!" "[Panting]" "[Cheers and applause]" "So I couldn't be valedictorian, but apparently, I could be a hero." "[Laughs]" "You're a hero." "It wasn't much of a fire." "Because you kicked its ass." "I'm with the awards committee." "And this is just the sort of thing we throw money at, big party, medals." "Who's your favorite basketball player?" "Now or of all time?" "Whenever you want." "I like Gene Hackman from Hoosiers." "Hackman." "Sure." "Good choice." "He'll present the medal." "The whole school will be there." "I'll see if I get burger king to kick in a gift certificate." "That would be incredible." "I'll give them a nice, round figure, like, $50, see if they bite." "Well, you know, anything would be appreciated." "Well, let me do my job!" "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "♪" "I'm sorry." "Did I say something wrong?" "I'm sorry." "This is just always such a difficult transition." "I'm also in charge of the arson unit." "You're the prime suspect." "What?" "You have the weekend to clear yourself." "And what if I can't?" "Then you still get the medal, 'cause we have to order those ahead of time, and the gift certificate, if burger king bites." "But there will be no party." "And that's it?" "That's it." "And I'll blackball you at every college in this country." "So I was an arson suspect." "But Simon had a bigger problem." "His date with Lauren was in jeopardy." "I have plans tonight." "Why are you always the ones that get to go out?" "Because we're the parents." "So you get to have all the fun?" "Even though it was your generation that crashed the economy?" "I warned you to stop bringing up that my generation crashed the economy." "What's going on?" "Nothing." "I have to babysit my little brother tonight." "Lauren won't come over, because she says it's boring here." "She wanted to go to the party." "Jay ended up finding where it was?" "Supposedly." "I don't know." "[Discordant piano strikes]" "You do everything that mommy and daddy tell you to do?" "Shut up, Todd!" "You're the reason I can't go out." "Why?" "I won't tell." "And if you don't go out, it's because you're a fart blossom." "What?" "That doesn't even make sense." "Still, it's not what you hope to be called." "You swear you won't say anything?" "Sure." "Let's fart swear." "You guys go to your little party, and I'll cover for you." "Okay, I'll go." "You weren't planning on it?" "Then why did you come over?" "I have a few questions about the fire." "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "And so we rounded up the usual suspects." "You know what?" "Screw you, dad!" "It's my life!" "You go to hell!" "But while Simon had actually argued with his parents." "Jay just faked it to impress his friends." "[Sighs]" "No one's home, right?" "What?" "You're pretending to yell at your dad." "Usually his car's in the driveway." "Yeah, it's in the shop today." "Regular servicing?" "I don't know." "Change the air fil-- Do you want to go to this party or not?" "What's the big rush, Jay?" "What?" "Whoa, will." "What are you doing back there?" "He's been asking a lot of questions." "How'd you get to the fire so fast, buddy?" "The fire?" "It's crucial that you not coordinate your answers." "Right." "Yeah." "Sure." "Okay." "Whatever." "I love fire." "I mean..." "I like fire." "So whenever's there's a fire or an explosion or someone rips it... [chuckles]" "I try to be the first one there." "So you were the first one there?" "No!" "Of course not." "So who beat you?" "Don't look at Simon!" "I'd never tell on a friend." "Neither would I." "[Dramatic instrumental music]" "[Woman vocalizing]" "[Engine turning]" "They were hiding something." "But I hoped to get more out of Neil, who was hiding from us." "Neil!" "See?" "No one's building a deck out here." "That's because the soil has to settle." "Whoa." "I'm Jano." "The carpenter." "Oh, you call me one thing, I can't be anything else, can I?" "Are you building a deck?" "Well... that's up to the soil." "Can't force it." "Can't force anything in life." "All I can do is whip out my hose, spread my seed every night." "Did he just say seed?" "[Sighs]" "Sometimes it sticks." "[All laughing]" "What are you guys doing back here?" "Well, I came to pick you up, but you weren't ready, as usual." "Well, when I don't even know which direction you're coming from, it's kind of hard." "Well, at least we got to meet your dad's carpenter." "My dad is not gay." "Why would you even bring that up, okay?" "Jano's a super interesting guy." "Yeah, he has a real worldview." "Did you see him throw the shovel at that tree?" "Yes!" "Awesome!" "It was so cool." "Yeah, sometimes it sticks." "That's what he said!" "I wish he would stick it in me!" "We should go." "We should go." "Yeah." "That night, Simon set out to have a perfect first date with Lauren." "Great date." "Very well thought out." "Unfortunately, Simon didn't consider that a perfect night with Lauren might not include the three of us." "Not the environment I would have created." "So, Lauren, what do you like to-- Sorry--I" " Jay's the only one who knows where the party is." "We're sort of a package deal." "Emphasis on package." "I have an Australian mix tape, if you want to listen to that." "So do you have any hobbies?" "Actually, I really like-- Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "That's her house!" "That's her house!" "Pull over, Sy." "Where are we?" "Uh, it seems pretty dead." "Um, should we go inside?" "No." "Brie's parents don't know about us." "Brie?" "I thought we were at the party." "No." "This is Brie's house." "We're picking her up." "He's in high school, Brie!" "But I love him!" "Oh, my God." "I love sequins!" " She's a little girl!" " Ouch." " She's our hookup to the party." " I'm already out for arson." "I can't be out up kidnapping as well." "Shut up." "Just go, go, go!" "[Engine turning]" "[Engine revving]" "And, though, being stuck in a car with a 13-year-old was a perfect date for Jay, it wasn't for Lauren." "Take the next left." "Are you sure this time?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm sure." "It's a little cramped back here." "I have no complaints." "Wait." "Was that the crooked tree?" "It's a left at the crooked tree." "This is painful." "It's like directions in the old days." "Oh!" "The hot dog house." "I know exactly where we are now." "Okay." "Awesome." "Yeah." "Back on track." "Party." "Wait." "Which is my left hand again?" "This one, you goofball." "♪ This one's your left hand ♪" "♪ this one's your right hand ♪" "Plenty of time to play "Which hand is which" when we're out of the car." "Forget it." "Stop the car, Simon." "I'm getting out." "But-- Stop the car." "No, hold on." "I live right over... ♪ make my feet go that's it!" "That's the party." "[Together] Whoa." "It's my house." "Oh, my God." "You know Todd Cooper?" "♪ It's so, oh, oh, oh ♪" "So we had found the party in the most unlikely of places..." "Hey, Cathy!" "Simon's own house." "Hey, Suzie!" "Hey!" "And we weren't on the list." "Whoa, whoa." "Whoa." "Where's your invitation?" "You're in so much trouble, Todd." "Am I?" "You're the babysitter." "You're such a-- you're such a-- Nothing?" "You sure?" "Want to give "Fart blossom" a go?" "[Both giggling]" "Fart blossom!" "Todd." "Come on." "How you doing, man?" "I haven't seen you in a while." "How you doing, man?" "Uh, hang on." "[Chuckles]" "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while." "Come on." "Water's fine." "What's up, Zach?" "How you doing?" "All right, come on in." "Don't touch anything." "[Kids squealing]" "Everybody, get out now!" "No!" "No!" "Boo!" "Finally hanging out with the cool kids." "They're 12." "That's my girl you're talking about." "It's not even worth it." "Come on, baby." "So this is the party?" "It would appear so." "I'm so glad we got in." "You said you'd cover for me, Todd." "I said I would say you were here all night." "And I will." "I'm not responsible for this." "[Scoffs] Hell no." "This party would suck balls if you were in charge." "[Sighs]" "You think a 12-inch is big enough for these chicks?" "Yes, there's plenty of pizza." "I was talking about my pecker." "That's it." "Give me the pizza!" "Give me the pizza!" "Can't!" "Give me the pizza!" "Fine." "That kid is awesome." "Does throw a good party." "There's nothing here to drink but juice boxes." "Awesome." "They got grape gusher." "Simon!" "There you are." "Carly!" "[Scoffs]" "You're kidding me, right?" "Come on." "She's my oldest friend." "Simon, we're on a date." "Human Bambi couldn't leave us alone for one night?" "Hey!" "Todd told me you'd be here, but it's just a bunch of bratty kids here." "Really?" "You came for me?" "Of course I did." "Aw, that's sweet." "Hey, let me know the next time you're out with your boyfriend, and I'll show up and ruin it." "I didn't know Simon was your boyfriend." "Neither did I." "You'll know after tonight." "I'm gonna go have a smoke." "Save me a juice box." "She's bad news, Simon." "No, she's just being sarcastic, probably." "What do you think she meant by "After tonight?"" "[Scoffs]" "I didn't know Lauren was a smoker." "It was her, wasn't it?" "You were there to pull the alarm, because she set the fire, and now you're protecting her." "Come on." "You heard Carly." "She's bad news, man." "Just turn her in." "Be done with it." "Be done with it." "I'm gonna go check on Lauren." "Don't go down with her, Simon!" "I can sweeten the deal." "Do you like burger king?" "[Kids screaming]" "Agh!" "It's really peaceful in here." "So this is, like, his dad's office, huh?" "Yeah, we should make a business deal." "Yeah!" "Yeah." "You're fired, Mr. Roberts." "You're fired, Mr. young." "You're fired, Mr. jerk." "[Giggles]" "You're fired, mister... [giggles]" "[Giggles]" "I want to kiss you." "[Giggles]" "Um, do you know how to French?" "Yeah." "I mean, I've been frenching since I was, like, your age, so I can get it up for a French." "[Giggles]" "[Giggles]" "[Smooching]" "That's not my mouth." "No, I like to start at the shoulder blade, work my way up." "To my mouth?" "No, to your forehead." "Then to your mouth." "Women go crazy for it." "Let's see what happens to you." "Okay." "Okay." "Uh... um..." "What's happening to me?" "I don't know." "Something's happening." "Really?" "Oh, God, not now." "Yeah?" "What-- Something's happening." "Don't tell everyone." "Oh, dear." "While Jay's girlfriend attempted to outrace the onset of puberty..." "You can't run from it!" "It's inside you!" "I was trying to outrace the charge of arson." "[Phone vibrating]" "Hello?" "You didn't tell me you threw away your test." "I didn't think it was important." "I'll tell you what's important." "What do you got so far?" "Nothing definite." "I can't say, not in front of my friends." "Your friends are garbage." "Why don't you tell me you know, and I'll tell you where we're at with Hackman." "Meanwhile, Simon had launched a full investigation of Lauren's mouth." "Can Carly see us?" "No, no." "Don't worry." "I want her to see us." "Maybe that's not the most important part." "Simon?" "He's with me." "Just getting ready to do it in the bushes." "No, no, no!" "That's not-- Really?" "Simon, I need the key to the upstairs bathroom." "There's a...situation." "I'll be right back." "Don't-- don't move." "Why don't you tell me about the fire?" "It's all right." "And Jay reevaluated his relationship." "She's too young for me anyway." "Took her becoming a woman for me to realize that." "I think we all learned a lot from these kids tonight." "Yeah." "Brie, honey." "We're opening the door." "I can't believe no one told her that this was coming." "That's why I didn't want to let you in." "Shut up, Todd." "We're handling it." "Thanks, Carly." "No problem." "Sorry to pull you away from your skank." "Hey, Brie." "Let's talk." "Brie-- [Chuckles]" "Get the bleach." "And finally, in the calm of the evening firelight and the strum of Jano's guitar, my investigation came to an end." "Neil started the fire." "I knew it." "Damn it!" "Ugh." "How'd it happen?" "I wanted to see if feathers would burn." "They do." "I know!" "But then you just threw them in a trash can." "It's not much of a mystery, is it?" "Why'd you give him up, Jay?" "Will talked to Lauren." "Lauren gave me the lighter." "You were getting too close." "No, I wasn't." "She wasn't gonna say anything." "Oh." "No one would have." "You blew it, Jay." "Only if will tells." "You should, will." "Keep your record clean." "For me, one fire isn't a difference-maker." "But Neil's right." "You shouldn't have to take the rap." "Thanks, guys." "I appreciate it." "But I don't think I could tell on Neil even if I wanted to." "Why not?" "Because it was so unbelievably unattractive when Jay just did it." "Unbelievably." "Unbelievable." "[Laughter]" "It made him look like a terrible person." "[Laughter]" "He is a terrible person." "In the end, our night wasn't a complete disaster." "Jay gained some perspective on dating a child." "Simon got Lauren to agree to another date." "And I found something more important than the arson suspect:" "Loyalty to my friends." "No idea, huh?" "Sorry." "Don't worry." "You still get the medal and the free burgers." "They came through?" "They jumped at it!" "Cool." "Cool." "So I had my friends." "I had my party." "And I had my medal." "I had everything, except Gene Hackman." "There you go, little brother." "[Applause]" "I guess I know what it feels like to be a hero now." "I thought he was sick." "He is." "I'm happy with Lauren." "She's so different from other girls." "How do you thing I'd look in this?" "Naked." "I think I'm dating a kleptomaniac." "If she steals, that's good." "You can blackmail her into having sex." "Uh, take these." "Take these!" "[Alarm blaring]" "Simon." "Are you kidding me?"