"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Good evening." "Welcome to Have I Got News For You." "I'm Kirsty Young." "In the news this week, after Prince Philip is taken to hospital during the Diamond Jubilee celebrations, his senior aides pop round to cheer him up." "LAUGHTER" "In Westminster, as ministers are told to carry out yet another stringent round of redundancies," "George Osborne is greeted by the few remaining staff in his private office." "After two Little Boys is cut short at the Jubilee concert," "Rolf Harris fans turn up at Lenny Henry's house." "And after sitting through dozens of acts that she would never have chosen to watch at her Jubilee concert, the Queen was at last able to enjoy herself at the after-show party." "ROCK MUSIC" "On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says he can't remember what he did from the age of 18 to 26." "So, on drugs then." "Please welcome Greg Davies." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And with Paul tonight is a writer, broadcaster and poker player who recently won the 5,000 Euro event in Monte Carlo." "That was way back in April when the Euro was actually worth something." "Please welcome Victoria Coren." "APPLAUSE" "So we start with the bigger stories of the week." "Paul and Victoria, take a look at this." "This is the magnificent sight on the Thames, the flotilla." "This is people enjoying themselves." "That's the Royal Family enjoying themselves." "That's what horses used to look like 60 years ago." "But we didn't have horses after the war." "And that's what we've got now." "It's the Jubilee, I think." "This is not the hardest question we've ever been asked." "I managed to catch a heart-warming moment about halfway through when the Queen ALMOST smiled." "I have a feeling she was there thinking" ""I've been given someone else's day out by mistake."" "This is an 86-year-old lady monarch." "They've given her a boat trip and a pop concert." "What about a bungee jump and a Playstation?" "This is the four-day celebration of the Queen's Jubilee." "Let's start then with that flotilla." "It was inspired by the 18th century Canaletto which was painted for the Lord Mayor's day." "He's got to be quick, because some of those are moving rapidly." "Let's look at the flotilla." "LAUGHTER" "That's not fair, there were real boats there." "That's the leading boat, honestly." "Was anybody there, did you go long?" " I was there." " PAUL:" "Were you?" " Yes." "I thought it was fantastic." "With the greatest of respect, could you see through the crowds?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "To be honest, most people there seemed to be enjoying it." "There were huge numbers of people and the boats were fabulous." "The BBC got into a lot of trouble with its coverage." "What it did, what it usually did is underestimate the general public and thought, they're stupid, they'll want to see Fearne Cotton." "And Matt Baker and some people from The One Show." "Literally, in the crowd I was with, there were about ten people more interesting and better informed than everybody on the entire BBC for the whole day." "What do people want though, Ian?" "Spectacle." "Music." "The spectacle was there..." "People criticised the BBC's commentary, saying it wasn't intellectually rigorous." "It is just a load of people going down the river on boats." "That's the sort of intellectual rigour that we've come to expect from you." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Would you have wanted people to go, there's a Queen on the boat there?" " "Puts me in mind of the time I read the Iliad."" " No." "If you're going to interview people on the route, they're largely people who spend their lives dressed in union jacks." "No, absolutely patronising rubbish." "Absolutely not." "OK, my best moment, I'm standing in the crowd, next to a man whose son is in one of the flotillas." "Up the river comes a barge of Indian blokes in full tartan, playing pipes and drums, the sound fills the entire river." "It was fabulous." "I thought, where else will you get that?" "This is worth turning out for." "No, they're not all full of idiots in stupid hats." "APPLAUSE" "Will you concede there were some idiots?" "LAUGHTER" "Well, yes." "It does put people into some extraordinary postures." "Early on, they referred to the Thames as "a noble river."" "I don't know if it is." "I don't know if rivers can be noble." "I used to live near the Thames and admittedly we'd get a jar full and put it on the mantelpiece, just to see what nobility looked like." "It looks a bit muddy." "Way back in the 18th century, the diarist John Evelyn described the Lord mayor's day flotilla as boasting..." "This time around, we got John Barrowman." "There he is, putting the camp in campanology." "PAUL:" "Are you sure it's not a mass suicide attempt?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "It's John Barrowman!" "I know!" "Who remained sodden but unbowed throughout the flotilla?" "Prince Philip, surely?" "I don't think he was sodden." "He's 91." "He's been doing this for decades." "He's so bored he's had to feign a bladder infection to get out of it." "He joined in the dancing, or we thought he did." "It turned out he just badly needed the toilet." "Let's look at Sky News." "This is how they covered the final stages of the pageant." ""1,000 boats have travelled 7.5 miles down the River Thames" ""to mark the Diamond Jubilee."" "Meanwhile, over on the BBC," "Tess Daly is being knighted by a transvestite." " Hello." " Hello." " Tess Daly." "And I believe I'm knighting you for services to working in the rain." "That's right, yes." " Do you know what, Ian?" "I'm beginning to see your point." " Yes." "To be fair on the BBC, it is endemic across all of television, they just make it as though everyone's so stupid." "They're not making it for themselves." "They do for this imaginary idiot." "And it's infuriating." "It's not just the BBC, not just that programme, it's all of them!" "APPLAUSE" "Stephen Fry pointed out mistakes, such as one presenter calling the Queen "Her Royal Highness", instead of "Her Majesty." He asked..." "QI?" "GROANING AND LAUGHTER" "Ooh." "QI's a brilliant programme, isn't it?" "AUDIENCE:" "Yes!" "That's one of the few that ISN'T for morons." "You can't even risk making jokes about QI, because it's the last programme where they imagine the viewer might be able to spell." "What did the BBC admit to?" " This is a classic phrase." " Trying too hard." "It agreed that it didn't..." "Own the tone?" "According to the Independent..." "LAUGHTER" "What surprises were lying in wait for the Queen along the route?" "Boris turned up on a boat." "Someone next to me shouted at him, "Is that your wife, Boris?"" "From the roof of the Royal Festival Hall, there was a message spelt out in semaphore flags, we'll go to the BBC's Paul Dickenson, who at last, realised that he did need some expert help." "His nautical expert is Tom Cunliffe." "This is his chance to shine." ""We've got some semaphore here just on the top level of the Royal Festival Hall." ""Tom, I think you can understand that, can't you?"" ""I haven't got a clue."" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "And Lord Prescott got his oar in as well this week." "What was he complaining about?" "Apparently there were some people who were employed as security or something?" "And they actually had to sleep overnight" " underneath London Bridge." " Yes, there were 30 jobseekers." "People who weren't being paid, and there were another 50 apprentices who were getting paid," "I think it was £2.80 an hour, and they were bussed in to help, and the bus dropped them off too early and they were left at 3am to sleep under a bridge." "And they got a poncho I think, to keep?" "Yes, they got a free poncho and hypothermia." "I don't want to trivialise it though, but I think it's high time we started having people living under bridges again." "The goat population in London has got out of control lately." "That's my understanding of the government scheme." "No, I think that's right." "I'm glad you didn't trivialise it." "Meanwhile, how did the Queen get maximum enjoyment out of the Jubilee concert?" " She had ear plugs in." " She did." "She gets nervous around fireworks." "The fireworks were the good bit." "That was incredible." "Madness, singing on top of the house." "What I loved about that, wile Madness were singing Our House, they were projecting images of small terrace houses and blocks of flats onto Buckingham Palace, which is almost taunting the poor, isn't it?" "LAUGHTER" "This is what you live in, this is what WE live in." "I'd imagine there was a meeting before the concert where Gary," "I imagine Gary Barlow was chairing it where they talked about how to capture the spirit of Britain and then halfway through, one member of the panel in my mind had a nervous breakdown and went," ""Maybe we can have the Jamaican singer Grace Jones, hoola-hooping?"" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "What could be more British than that?" "I love the idea that the rest of the panel were going, "Let him have this."" ""Seriously, his wife's left him."" "In the build up to the concert, the BBC reporter, Lizo Mzimba coped remarkably well with that age-old problem of someone who thinks it would be funny to get in the back of shot." "We're going to be talking to all the stars and headline acts backstage at the Palace." "There's a huge array of talent on stage, Stevie Wonder, Elton John," "Robbie Williams and then of course, the man the who's been the driving force behind it all, Gary Barlow..." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "There was a small group of Republicans, staging a protest on the Thames." "Let's take a look at some monarchists." "Some more monarchists and..." "LAUGHTER" "Meanwhile, what did Sally Bercow do before attending the thanksgiving service at St Paul's?" "She tweeted saying, "Isn't the Jubilee a load of rubbish?"" "I didn't read the tweet." "Did you, Victoria?" ""Ridiculous monarchists, I'm going with no pants on" - hash tag speak." "LAUGHTER" "APPLAUSE" "If only she'd been that witty." "She described royalist members of the public as..." "How did the celebrations end?" "Fireworks, lighting beacons, that sort of stuff." "Let's enjoy that moment then after the celebratory volley of gunfire." "This is where tradition demands that the military band is conducted by a man with an extra set of arms." "CHEERING AND GUNFIRE" "NATIONAL ANTHEM" "SHE LAUGHS" "Finally, let's end on a rousing rendition of the National Anthem from Charles and Camilla." "This was during their visit to a street party in Piccadilly." "Note, to Charles and Camilla, it does have more than one verse." "BOTH: # God save our Queen..." "CHEERING" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Not his favourite lyric, I imagine." "It's been a triumphant weekend for the Royal Family." "At the concert, Paul McCartney said..." "Unlike Philip, who had his legs crossed for four hours, which caused the problem in the first place." "The Duchess of York wore the perfect outfit for the occasion, a dressing gown and slippers as she watched it on the sofa." "Ian and Greg, take a look at this." "Baroness Warsi, spice." "Cameron eating porridge, like most of his friends will be, in prison." "Oh, there's Jeremy, Hunt." "Er..." "Jeremy Hunt does an amazing line in startled deer impressions." "LAUGHTER" "This is the serious news going on beneath the bunting." "David Cameron has got to decide what to do with two people, in his Cabinet, Jeremy Hunt, the man in charge of the BSkyB bid, who was made to look guilty by the Leveson Inquiry." "I'm not saying he is, but he is." "Guilty of what, exactly?" "Not having a quasi-judicial frame of mind." " He didn't know what it meant." " No!" "He's got to decide whether to refer him to the Parliamentary Commissioner, but he HAS referred Baroness Warsi." "She's referred herself to the Parliamentary Standards Committee." "She's referred herself to the sleaze watchdog." "It sounds so filthy." "It's an odd procedure, "I want to know if I'm guilty of anything bad," ""because if I've been up to no good, I want to be the first to know."" "Do you think she's guilty then?" "Baroness Warsi, well, she did go abroad on a state visit with a relative," " who she's in business with." " Oh, he's a relative as well." " Apparently, yes." " David Cameron complained about that." "This man who travels with his favourite 50 arms dealers." "She's gone with this chap, they run a spice company or something." "She's trading in nutmeg." "That's my kind of corruption." "It's nice." "She's staying at a friend's house and claiming the £165.50, which she said she was passing on to him." "He confirmed in a statement saying," ""Yes, I confirm I charged an amount that would cover my inconvenience" ""for being there", which intrigues me," ""and the extra expense."" "The extra expense of having someone in a room for a night, £165.50?" "I can only deduce that Baroness Warsi was operating an industrial lathe in the room." "LAUGHTER" "Baroness Warsi has opened herself up to the aforementioned sleaze probe..." "LAUGHTER" "That was beneath you." "It's not beneath..." "No." " What's been happening in the eurozone this week?" " More of the same, isn't it?" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "If you read the Ten O'Clock News, it would be short." " Forget Robert Peston, get Paul in." " Nothing much has happened." "More of the same, Spain's gone bust, next?" "They need to send money to Madrid, they haven't got any left." "Spain is in need of a bail out, but they are falling over themselves to say that they, what, they definitely don't need it?" "They don't need a bail out, but they'd like a huge amount of money." "They're quite desperate." "They've applied to Greece." "I was in Spain this summer, this is true, Ian," "I went to a Spanish market and the first stall I came to there was a man who was selling socks, that was one of the things he'd specialised in." "He'd chosen to specialise in another thing, and it was potatoes." "I just think if that's indicative of the way they approach economics..." "LAUGHTER" "They honestly deserve what they get." "So, Spain's in trouble." "Greece is also still in trouble." "Do you not think this is relevant, what I'm saying, Kirsty?" "You seem to be changing the subject." " She's developing your theme." " Fine." "As long as this relates specifically to that market stall, please continue." "Did you see how Jeremy Paxman referred to Greece" " in a recent edition of Newsnight?" " Is it flattering terms?" "It wasn't entirely." "He said..." "GROANING AND LAUGHTER" "Cyprus is trying to put a brave face on the looming crisis." "Would you like to know what the head of the Cyprus national bank is called?" "What solution to the euro crisis is being urged by Britain, the United States and indeed George Soros?" "Watch the football instead." "It's pretty much that Germany should take over Europe, except Britain and just tell everyone what to do." "George Soros said..." "I can't believe no-one's thought of this before." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "I mean, it's perfect, isn't it?" "They must have been high-fiveing each other in that meeting." "APPLAUSE" "It's been another turbulent week in politics." "In Westminster, it's emerged that MPs have been complaining about the facilities in the House of Commons." "Last week, it was reported that the toilets were in a terrible state, but to be fair, they'd just been used by Jeremy Hunt before he headed off to the Leveson Inquiry." "Also this week," "Spain was dragged deeper and deeper into the eurozone crisis." "George Osborne was called away from Jubilee celebrations to speak to the Spanish Finance Minister in an emergency conference call." "He realised something that was wrong when Spain asked if they could reverse the charges." "On Newsnight, Jeremy Paxman offended the Greek Finance Minister" "Giorgos Papakonstantinou by referring to the Greek economy as..." "The Greek Finance Minister was so furious at this stereotyping that he smashed all his plates in disgust and danced sideways out of the studio." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Let's go to round two, the picture spin quiz." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "Is it the Archbishop of Canterbury?" "Let me give you a clue, that's Rab C Nesbit, he's from Glasgow." " He's not known for his CHARM." " Right?" "But Glasgow people ARE charming." " It's a counterintuitive poll." "They're delightful." " Not quite." "They're not delightful?" "Oh no, you're going to tell me people in Paris are rude soon." "Is it not to do with Ken loach?" "He complained that he couldn't get the right rating for his film because it had too many swear words in it." "He said, "That's how everyone speaks in Glasgow", which I'm sure can't be right." " No that's" " BLEEP - right, they do." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "The Commonwealth Games are coming to Glasgow in 2014," " so in preparation..." " Politeness lessons." " Yes." "Thousands of Glaswegians are being sent to charm school in preparation for the 2014 Commonwealth Games." "About 10,000 service industry workers will be offered... ..at which they will be taught to speak..." "When a woman walks past, don't shout "Get yer tits ooot."" "It's "Get your tits out."" "APPLAUSE" "What principles do you think these charm schools are based on?" " Is it British Telecom?" " No, it's Walt Disney." "To be fair about Walt Disney, he was a Nazi sympathiser, but he was so polite." "I do have, remarkably, a Scottish Walt Disney joke." "Oh, good." "What's the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?" " I don't know." " Bing sings and Walt Disnae." "How were pupils being asked to end their sentences, according to the Telegraph?" "They presumably have to end them with the name of the sponsor." "Thank you very much, Coca Cola." "They're being asked to end their sentences..." "To which the correct reply is, "I'm so sorry, I've made other plans."" "Parts of the course will require workers to make pledges." "Can you imagine what the pledges might be?" "Is it the Temperance pledge?" "One is..." "This is my favourite..." "And in other Scottish news, what was the cock-up in Edinburgh?" "They used the word cock about a symbol." " Well, they made a symbol..." " French symbol." " Oh, was this lasagne?" " No." "But I'm delighted to work out how you're going to join up those two thoughts." " Cock and lasagne?" " Yeah." " VICTORIA:" " That's a good night out." "Don't broadcast that." "That's my perfect Friday, yeah." "APPLAUSE" "There was a story about meatballs." "Tesco produced these meatballs and they thought," ""It's Italian, let's put some Italian words on it."" "And they just put things like Coglioni di Mulo on the thing and no-one knew what it meant." "It actually means donkey's bollocks." " And they've had to withdraw them, is that right?" " That's right." "That must be quite difficult - to withdraw..." "That's in the Tesco's Finest range." "I would hate to think what's in the basic..." "It's much less funny than that story." "The organisers of the Edinburgh Marathon handed out 23,000 medals." "They looked like this..." "This is the news that Glaswegians are to be sent to charm school in preparation for the 2014 Commonwealth Games." "According to the official Glasgow Commonwealth Games website..." "Beating the previous record for most people at a Scottish fruit market by 999." "According to the Daily Record, the charm workshop is..." "And for a terrifying white-knuckle ride, why not catch a late-night bus through Glasgow city centre." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "It's a pig." "That much we can tell." " Is this the pig that learned French?" " No." "No." "I'd be surprise if it was, cos I've just made it up." "Bonjour, I am a pig." "It's something to do with Euro 2012." "This pig is playing centre-half." "The number of injuries..." "It's not to do with football at all?" " Yes, it is." "That was the clue I gave you." " Oh, I see!" "It's the national animal of the Ukraine." "It is a Ukrainian pig, it's also a psychic." "Psychic pig!" "And it's named Foontik and it's been unveiled as the successor to Paul the Octopus." " Paul the Octopus." " Exactly!" "Ah, football, my special subject - you should have said(!" ")" "And it's going to predict the Euro 2012 results." "Can anyone imagine how the pig is going to make its predictions." "Hold on a second, it's not going to predict the 2012 results." " Well, it is." " It's not." "It can make a prediction, it might be a wrong prediction." "It can't make a prediction, it's a pig..." "It can stand on a square..." "Pigs are very intelligent." "I'm sure it's not just going to stand on a square." "It's about, sort of, mime, little bit of charade." "According to a Ukrainian news source, ahead of each game Foontik, the psychic Ukrainian pig..." "It's not psychic." "..is going to be..." "LAUGHTER" "You're being very down on this pig." "He's going..." "He's not going to like the Danish one, is he, when he comes to that?" "In slightly less important football news, Ian," "Rio Ferdinand is furious about his omission from the England squad." "I'm not surprised!" "He was furious?" "I was gutted!" " You love his defensive work, don't you?" " Yeah." " Why is he furious?" "Well, it's the belief that he's been left out of the England squad not because of footballing reasons, but because John Terry will be standing trial for racially abusing his brother, possibly." " That's what he's charged with, anyway." " Yeah." "Isn't it worth not going to these countries anyway?" "Aren't they full of lunatic right-wingers." "I'm not sure that all people who play on the right-wing are necessarily lunatics." "And what is it that's making Roy Hodgson's argument look flimsy?" " Oh, who's Roy Hodgson?" " He's the England manager at the moment." "Although, by the time the repeat goes out that may not be the case." "Rio was overlooked, in favour of Liverpool's Martin Kelly, who, according to the Sun, has spent..." "Is that bad?" "Well, the judges spend quite a lot of time on the bench, never affected their..." "You've spent more time in the dock than at your desk." "Yeah, all right!" " APPLAUSE" " Send him down!" "This is a psychic pig, who's going to..." "It's not a psychic pig." "LAUGHTER" "I don't think we can properly judge how psychic he is until we see some of its predictions." " We can." " Suppose it gets the first six matches right, then what?" "Where is your no-psychic-pig stance then?" "What if he channelled the spirit of Elvis Presley?" "HE IMPERSONATES ELVIS" "But if the pig did correctly predict the future would you accept it was a psychic pig?" "Is it just me?" "!" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "All right, OK." "Go on, then." "Carry on." "The psychic pig..." "Thanks." "This is a psychic..." "This is a psychic pig who's going to predict the outcome of the matches in the European Football championship." "It's the first porky psychic to hit the headlines since Russell Grant was fired out of a cannon." "England fans have been warned by police in Poland, that if they misbehave they will face a..." "Whereupon, a frustrated Prince Philip phoned the Polish police to ask if he could borrow it." "Fingers on buzzers, teams." "I feel awful." "We don't know any of these." "Oh, this is..." "Erm..." "This is that brilliant unicycle story, isn't it?" "It's not even a unicycle." "I can't even tell you anything about the story from looking at a picture." "I don't understand that photograph." "The park bench is slightly blurred, which suggests that the park bench is moving at some speed." " He's a postman." " Yes." " Is he?" " Yes." "Sort of." "And it's the penny-farthing post." "We've decided it would be quicker for people to ride on bicycles to deliver our letters than put them in the hands of the Post Office." " He's offering his own service." " He is." " In a village." " Yes." "I've just made that up, but it's true!" "APPLAUSE" "This is remarkable." "This is Graham Eccles from Cornwall, who has decided to set up his own postal service on a penny-farthing." "How does the service work?" "You give him a letter and he gives it to somebody else." "You may laugh..." "Almost always a different person from the one he picked it up from." "You're broadly right." "According to the Express..." "God, if only it could be rolled out nationally somehow." "If I lived down there, I would be, just for fun, constantly sending letters to Glasgow." "What sort of problems has he encountered?" "He's mentally ill?" "Graham says..." "Just pack it in, Graham, I would say." "I could have told him all that was going to happen, but then, I have got a psychic pig." "Did you really just guess the story about that man?" "Yeah, it's a good idea." "That's amazing." "Looks like Ian's psychic, Victoria." " You know who's going to win the Uruguay." " The Uruguay?" "!" "When you dip your toes into popular culture you end up talking bollocks every time." "This is Graham Eccles who has started his own penny-farthing postal service in Cornwall." "Graham's keen to preserve the traditions of the old-fashioned postal service." "Bet he still uses a kettle to steam open the envelopes that might have cash in them." "Time now for the Odd One Out Round." "Ian and Greg, your four are" "Gordon Brown, Wallace, Aaron Barnard and Geoffrey Howe." "Is it that they all wear the wrong trousers?" "It is about trousers." " There was a Geoffrey Howe story about trousers years ago." " He left them on a train." " That's right." "The ones he was wearing?" "Yes, it was never fully explained." "So I don't know the guy with the underpants." "Maybe he's the odd one out, cos everyone else's involves trousers and his involved pants." " You're right." " Am I?" " Yeah." "APPLAUSE" "They have all had their trousers stolen, apart from that bloke there, he's called Aaron Barnard, who was sacked from his job in a pant factory after being accused of stealing some pants." "He hasn't done it very subtly, to be honest, has he?" "How did Aaron actually prove his innocence?" "Did he have the pants tested?" "According to Aaron, in the Telegraph, he pointed out..." "Oh, no." "They could just be frayed, honestly." "Geoffrey Howe had his trousers stolen on a train." "How did the thieves manage to steal them?" "Just like people used to do with that tablecloth trick, wasn't it?" "They took them while he was asleep." "He wasn't wearing them at the time." "Luckily, the police found them and they were returned to him before he had to get up and leave the train." "So he was on a train in the sleeper compartment, he wasn't just sitting... on a commuter train and someone took his trousers." "Good grief! "Tickets, please."" ""Oh, my goodness, I haven't got any trousers on!"" "In a separate, but somehow related incident, he lost pyjamas in Peking." "How did he lose his pyjamas - in a card game?" "What was going on?" ""I've got nothing left." "You've got your pyjamas."" "I don't know - any more than he had them stolen." "Presumably he doesn't need them back because he could put his day clothes on before he left the room." "Then there's another incident when he lost his trousers - we don't know how." "And then he lost some trousers again." "He doesn't know what happened." "Comes home, "Oh, I've lost my trousers again, darling."" "Pauline Macaulay, who is Gordon Brown's mother-in-law, has revealed to a local newspaper that she stole Gordon's trousers and ties during his time in Downing Street in order to make a quilt." "Now, here is the quilt." "Was he working at a chef at the time when she stole the trousers?" "Does anyone know what was Gordon's reaction to the quilt?" "Did he love it?" "According to his mother-in-law..." "Was that the first sentence out of his mouth, or was it, "You've made my trousers into a quilt, you mad bitch."" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Whilst making the quilt, Gordon Brown's mother-in-law said..." "He was too busy wondering where that draft was coming from." "Paul and Victoria, here's yours." "Flight ZB532, two eggs," "Bruce Campbell's house and Orville the cat." " I recognise that cat." " Do you?" "I saw that story." "It's not alive, the cat." "I think..." "I will sound bizarre if this isn't the story, but a cat got run over and it's owner had it stuffed and made into a helicopter." "It's hard to tell looking at the picture whether that means he really loved the cat or really hated it." "Sorry, Victoria, you're happy to accept that there's a remote-controlled flying cat..." "..but a psychic pig's a bit of a stretch for you, is it?" "Now, that bloke there, Bruce Campbell, that looks like he's..." "There's his house, it looks like the interior of a plane." "The two eggs don't fly - they're the odd ones out." "Everybody else flies." " I'd guess that the plane is the thing that doesn't." " Yes." "The plane doesn't fly." " You're right." " Well done." "APPLAUSE" "They've all successfully flown, apart from Flight ZB532, that was on May 31st, which had to land prematurely after a passenger set another passenger's hair on fire." "Doesn't that mean that it was flying at some point?" "Well, it wasn't a successfully completed flight." "How do we categorise a successfully completed flight for a remote-controlled cat?" "One that doesn't land prematurely because somebody set someone's hair on fire." "Let's just do that entire thing, shall we?" " Here is the test flight." " Oh, no." " That is..." " Can you assure us no cats were harmed during the making of this?" "The eggs." "What's a successful flight for an egg?" "Well, pupils from a school in Cambridge have won a trip to NASA by successfully launching two raw eggs 1,800 feet up into the air and ensuring that they returned to Earth intact." "Have you got any footage of the eggs?" " I don't think we do." " So you're prepared to believe in a psychic pig," " but you won't believe that the eggs flew into the air..." " Don't look at me!" "Of course I don't believe in a psychic pig." " A pig told me you would say that." " Yeah!" "Bruce Campbell has a house that used to fly because it is actually a 727 passenger jet." "After a night out, Bruce sometimes takes girlfriends back to his plane, where one or two have joined the metre-high club." "Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features as its guest publication..." "Button Lines - the Journal of the British Button Society." "And we start with..." ""After she sells his pre-war button collection" ""to the RSPCA in Lewisham."" "LAUGHTER" " It is button-related." " Of course it is." ""She goes out and buys 15,000 zips."" "The answer is..." "This is from The Journal of the British Button Society, which laments the fact that..." "Now, there is a technical term for this in the button world - it's known as "coming to your senses"." "Next..." " "Professional wrestler."" " Yes!" "The answer is "a professional wrestler."" "This is former MP Lembit Opik - here he is in action..." "Now, Lembit hasn't been in a hold like that since Sian Lloyd found out about that Cheeky Girl." "Next..." ""Dementia."" "Is it "flirted with Velcro?"" "APPLAUSE" "No, the answer is..." "Next..." ""Buttons." "Teeth." "Body."" "Is it "hold on the throne"?" "Very nice!" "The answer is..." "This was from an article in the Button Journal by Nina, a new collector who's writing a book about buttons and asked for people to reveal their button anecdotes, and saying she will "respect any desire for privacy"." "Ah, yes - how many of us have button anecdotes that we will only share if our names are kept out of it?" "And finally..." "Oh, "nothing."" "The answer is..." "This is according to a recent survey." "Mind you, no-one's ever died from swearing - apart from that time in the theatre when Abraham Lincoln turned round and said," " "Shut the" " BLEEP - up, we can't hear the play."" "So the final scores, then, are" "Ian and Greg have 5," "Paul and Victoria have 8." "APPLAUSE" "On which note we say thank you to our panellists," "Ian Hislop and Greg Davies, Paul Merton and Victoria Coren." "And I leave you with news that the BBC denies claims that budget cuts will affect the new series of Doctor Who." "In Pyongyang, there's controversy surrounding a new fast food delivery service." "And during the concert at the Palace, an opportunistic thief rifles through Cheryl Cole's handbag." "Good night."