"Did you give my number to some idiot who you fucked yesterday?" "I'm just going through a slutty phase." "So you sell drugs?" "Only recently." "You should stop... selling drugs." "Someone looks like a hot slut." "Ohh I need a new best friend don't I?" "Do you think I could get your number?" "Why do you want my number?" "I moved to New York with a guy." "I fucked up." "Your pants are here." "He told me to choke on a string of hot Christmas lights." "I don't care about how badly you fucked up last time." "I'm not dating that guy." "I'm dating you." "Are we dating now?" "When did that happen?" "Mitchell." "Hey Jack." "I'm extremely drunk." "He actually called you." "Yeah." "My name's Russ." "No." "Hey Bitch." "I had to move." "You could stay." "I should go." "Yeah.. sorry about that." "Shut your gay mouth, it's back!" "It's coming back on!" "Are we nervous?" "Shussh!" "Shut the fuck up, breeder!" "...in this competition." "America's Next Top Model is..." "Ohhhh!" "Come on with this shit!" "Boo Tiana, you stupid fat bitch!" "She's beautiful!" "Not the point!" "Why exactly do we hate Tiana again?" "Because she threw Lauren under the bus in the weather forecast challenge." "And she has no thighs." "She has no thighs!" "It's just foot... knee..." "labia!" "Oh, Jesus Christ Una." "I need another drink." "I need you to have another drink." "I also enjoy alcohol." "I want to start watching Canada's Next Top Model because I heard that Jay hosts it and, uh, everybody's a lot nicer 'cause they're Canadian." "Right, whatever." "Hey Mitchell." "Hey Max." "Hey, so, I need a man." "You mean like...?" "Like I need a man." "Now." "Do you mean like in general, or right now?" "Whichever." "I'm not entirely sure what you mean." "Yes, you are." "Okay." "Uh." "You want me to just call up some stranger have him come over here in the middle of the night have his way with you?" "Is that what you're saying?" "Yes." "Oh really?" "You're serious." "Is that a thing that we do now?" "Is it like a pimp thing?" "I had a wet dream last night, Mitchell, okay?" "Wow, Max." "Do you know when the last time that happened was?" "We're really not there yet, you and me." "I was thirteen last time." "And I'm twenty four now." "Okay." "There is a lot more... you know... down there going on." "Huh." "Got it." "Look, I don't really know anyone in the neighborhood." "A man, Mitchell." "[Ringing]" "Hello?" "Hey, hey Jack." "Um... it's me." "Uh, I..." "I know I shouldn't be calling but" "I um..." "I'm at a friend's house and we're watching Top Model and there's this kid Max, I think you met him once." "He's cute." "He's not really your type, I think but I guess I don't know what your type is right now." "I know you're going through kind of a big slutty fuck everyone in Brooklyn phase right now which is fine, um, I'm not being judgey when I say that" "I'm trying not to be judgey" "I am trying" "Anyway, I was wondering, well I'm still just kind of talking here I guess" "I was wondering if you wanted to come here and blow him or whatever" "I don't really know" "I don't know." "Hello?" "This must be Mitchell." "And who must this be?" "Let me check." "Jack!" "Who must I be?" "You must be like the worst sous chef in all of New York." "Who is it?" "Hello?" "Mitchell." "Hi, Jack." "Are you drunk?" "I'm not drunk." "So... what's..." "I was calling to see if you wanted to blow some guy but obviously you're already doing that, so..." "Excuse me?" "Clearly you're already at.. you know... with... with whoever that is, so" "None of your... he's just... some guy that" "You know, good for you, because I don't even care." "I mean, I do care, and that's why good, good for you." "Because I care and I don't care so good for you, Jack." "Great." "I have to go." "I'm cooking." "You're cook... you're cooking?" "You don't cook." "I do, actually." "I'm pretty good at it." "And I have to go do it now so if you have something less insulting to say to me you can call me back, I don't know, tomorrow or" "Tomorrow?" "Yes." "Tomorrow." "Or any other time, but come to think of it tomorrow will probably just be the next in a seemingly endless string of opportunities for you to act like a total asshole to people who care about -- who used to actually care about you a lot." "[birds chirping, traffic noises] [alarm clock beeping]" "Good morning." "[Sighs]" "Don't even." "I'm not late." "I could have gotten away with being late today." "Girls was shooting like on my front steps, but I'm not late, so" "Where is everybody?" "Conference room." "Two minutes." "How many conference rooms do we have on this floor?" "Good morning, Ed." "Am I getting promoted?" "It's got nothing to do with you, it's an entirely financial decision" "We're letting you go." "Right." "Honestly, you didn't do anything wrong." "We like you a lot." "Ed likes you." "But I can still busk in front of the building, right?" "Are you being serious right now?" "But... it's Thursday, I know." "We usually do this Friday but we, uh, literally couldn't pay you one more day." "So there you have it." "Mitchell!" "I know, it's not your fault." "I feel like an asshole." "You are an asshole." "Oof." "But it has nothing to with this." "Jesus power-bottoming Christ." "It's not just you." "They're laying off half the office." "There's blood on the streets." "It's just gonna be me, and Deena, and that IT guy the one with the one huge ear and the other tiny ear" "Oh my god, I'm sorry" "Yeah, well..." "No, not "yeah, well." I am." "Sorry." "but you'll land on your feet, right?" "Yeah, I think so." "Where... where do people usually land in situations like this?" "Queens." "And Mitchell, promise me no matter what happens, that you will not move to Queens." "What?" "Nothing." "What?" "!" "Nothing." "You just clean up good is all." "Is that all?" "That's all." "You can grin at me then." "Don't mind if I do." "You know, I was just thinking" "Yeah?" "Just... did I tell you what happened on the subway Tuesday night?" "Yeah, that kid... from "There Will Be Blood"" "That was last night." "Oh, that was me." "I just like talking about it." "Tuesday night." "Tuesday night I was heading out around ten to meet a friend from school who used to, like, make these completely unhinged vegan pot brownies that would just..." "God, you can't imagine." "Doesn't seem like I'll have to." "[Laughs] Sorry." "So I was getting on at Franklin and there were these three cops that had their little bag searching table out and" "I figured, since I'm so massively, tragically... you know, non-ethnic, they would just let me get on my train." "'Cause that's what always happens." "Almost always." "Ahhh." "But no, they had a dog and everything." "And I had to empty out, you know, my sad little bag of stuff." "That fruity gum." "Nevermind the gum..." "I was packing lube." "Tuesday night." "[Both laugh.]" "But they didn't find anything else in your bag?" "Right." "So." "I was just thinking that they probably would have found something if some, just some guy hadn't told me that" "I should stop." "Selling drugs." "Right." "I lucked out." "You're welcome." "How's the tie?" "It's good." "But it's not great." "Try this one." "I like you in blue." "Hmm." "I thought there were just reds and whites, but it turns out that some of them are pink." "Pink!" "This one's a green one." "Vino Verde." "Green wine, how nuts is that?" "That's crazy." "I'm glad you're here." "I'm having Russell trouble." "I think he's too nice." "I mean, all we do is eat junk food and fuck." "Which I love." "But there's never any... you know?" "Not really." "Yeah you know what I mean." "It's just never like mean enough." "You want him to be mean while he's fucking you?" "Not, like mean-mean." "I just want him to like do me a little more." "God." "What?" "You're being really judgey and weird." "Shouldn't you be at work, anyway?" "I got fired, so..." "Oh." "Drag." "Drag?" "Yeah, I mean, you're probably better off anyway" "Am I better off?" "I think maybe I'm kind of fucked, actually." "So, like, when you want a guy to fuck you harder than he's currently fucking you like as a rule, what do you say to him?" "Hey." "I need you to stop talking about getting fucked for like ten seconds." "Is that something you could do for me as a favor?" "I know straight sex isn't like your thing, but I could really use your support right now." "You could really use my support right now?" "Yes, I'm dating a nice guy." "This is a big problem!" "I mean, I support you, don't I?" "Support isn't just a river in Egypt or whatever." "Do you support me?" "Is that accurate?" "Oh tell me I'm not your best friend." "I don't even know when your birthday is." "Stop saying party." "Don't say "charade."" "Point for Mitchell." "Door for Mitchell." "Shut your gay mouth!" "They all make your ass look big!" "You have a big ass!" "I'm not sure that's true, if I'm being honest?" "Really?" "Really really." "Sorry, I'm having a shitty day." "Tell me about your problem with Randall." "Russell." "Russell, sorry, it's hard to keep track of all the "R" names in this endless series of men who you fuck." "I do not fuck an endless series of men." "Well, it hasn't ended yet, so..." "You know what?" "I didn't want to say this..." "That is obviously a lie." "You have never apologized." "For what?" "For Jack." "For Jack what?" "I don't know, for inviting him to my apartment at three in the morning." "Because you've never drunk dialed anyone." "Okay, or how about any of the other stuff that Jack did like my boyfriend!" "Wow." "I think I have spent a lot of time putting your head back together after all of that stuff happened and my work ethic has suffered" "Can something suffer if it doesn't exist?" "That was way harsh, Mitchell." "I think we should just take a break." "A break?" "[Sighs]" "A break?" "You heard me." "I am sorry." "That you were ever even dating an evil, sociopathic closet case with no soul, but you are better off now." "And he is better off now." "And I think that we both know that that was not... that was not entirely Jack's fault." "Because Jack is not a bad guy." "He's just not." "Sorry to interrupt." "Are you guys fighting?" "Yes." "Yeah, yes, we're fighting." "Oh, I'll just... green wine is really something." "I'm going to go now." "Hey." "Fuck you a little bit." "Fuck me?" "Fuck you, Una." "Well then fuck both of us, I guess." "Yeah, I guess so." "[Door closes]" "Ugh." "Why are you bothering me right now?" "[Cell phone ringtone:" "Robyn's Hang With Me]" "Hey." "How did it go?" "I'm starting on Monday." "Yes!" "I'm sorry. [Quietly] Yes!" "Way to go!" "What are you doing for them?" "I'm not sure." "Writing, filing, writing on files." "Sounds about right." "Where are you?" "I want a hug." "I'm at Ugly Luggage." "There's this girl here" "I'm pretty sure she's flirting with me." "Is your ringtone still Robyn?" "Yes." "She's not flirting with you." "Hurry home." "I want to do unspeakable things to you before the play tonight." "Tonight." "Is it the nineteenth already?" "Yeah." "I have to... there's something I have to do." "I'll be back a little later, okay?" "Sure." "Hey." "Hey." "Congrats on the job, Mister." "Thanks, Mister." "I'll see you at home." "[Text message chimes]" "Sorry." "From my boyfriend." "Hey." "We need to talk." "Are you hungry?" "What?" "I figured we could, uh work up an appetite." "But so, seriously...." "What's up?" "I don't want to date you anymore." "[Chuckles] Huh." "Like it's great or whatever." "Eating Cheetos and fucking is fun but I think we've sort of plateaued and we're not gonna get married so I think we're probably done here." "Every time you shower you just drop your towel in the middle of the room" "So?" "So that's gross, Una." "Hang up your towel." "And a plateau isn't such a bad place to be, right?" "I mean, it's better than not plateau, right?" "A valley?" "Right." "You don't to keep eating junk food and fucking me?" "No, I didn't say that, exactly." "I don't want to marry you." "I promise." "So this is what romance feels like." "Marriage is dumb." "You're dumb." "Yeah." "I know." "But in nine minutes I will be ready to fuck you again" "So stop acting like you have someone to see later who cares if you smell like sex and get back in bed with me" "Say it again, but say it meaner." "Get back in bed, you jerk." "You dumb jerk." "It's a start." "[Birds coo, gate closes]" "Shit. [Rattles door]" "[Car alarm goes off]" "[Sighs]" "[Gate opens, closes]" "Rough day?" "It's not over yet." "Happy Birthday?" "You remembered." "Thank you." "I got fired today." "Seriously?" "Yeah." "You did kind of hate it there anyway." "I did kind of hate it there, yeah." "Thank you for the cake." "Hey, my pleasure." "How did you know I was going to be here?" "I didn't." "Thought I might have to wait awhile." "[Sighs] I'm sorry about last night." "Me too." "I don't not..." "I still care about you" "If the cake didn't" "I miss you." "I don't want to be your boyfriend." "I'm not good at being your boyfriend." "But I like myself less when I can't see you." "And I wonder what you're up to, and I would like to think" "I would like to think that" "Is that my tie?" "Nope." "Whose tie is that?" "I borrowed it." "Oh." "Oh." "Is he great?" "I didn't date you because you're an asshole." "I know." "I became an asshole." "You're not an asshole, is my point." "I said I wanted all of your bones to fall out through your fingertips." "If you want to hang out, we can hang out if you want to hang out." "I miss you too." "I never wanted to... you know that, right?" "Just like this?" "Like we're hanging out now?" "I'd rather be inside." "Well, if someone hadn't left his key... [clears throat]" "He's great." "Good." "I have to go, actually." "He's waiting." "Yeah." "Can I have a hug?" "Yeah." "A little one." "Okay." "I'll see you though?" "Yes." "Good." "[Gate opens, closes]" "That is the wrong way." "Other way." "Get it together, Widows." "This way." "[Music]"