"MANAGER COACH" "Cheers?" "Carla, it's your little girl." "What?" "The baby?" "Well, bring her to the phone." "The baby is crying and they can't make her stop." "I'll try a lullaby." "God couldn't be everywhere." "That's why He created mothers." " And postal carriers." " You got her?" "Put her ear to the phone." "Sweetie?" "Good girl." "Now listen to Mama." "She's asleep." "Thank you, everybody." "Thanks a lot." "Everybody, the drinks are on me." "I got my raise." "Congratulations." " Thank you." " Congratulations, Cliff." "Thank you." "I know you're a proud guy, but you've been out of work a long time." "I've got to try to share my good fortune." "I know what your answer's gonna be to this." "Would you please allow me to loan you $500?" "Sure." " I beg your pardon?" " Sure." "I'd love it." "How soon can I get it?" "My greatest fear was that you'd say no in case it hurt our relationship." "Can I get it in cash?" "Sure." "I guess our friendship's pretty solid." "We're the kind of guys who know what the other's gonna say before he says it." "I was wrong this time." "Hey, Mort." "What are you having?" "Let me have a draught." " You gotta help me." "I got big trouble." " Really?" "What's the problem?" "The coach of my kid's baseball team quit." "I figure you're a natural for the job." "I'd love to, but I don't have time." "I spend half my life keeping this bar on its feet and the other half trying to keep Diane off hers." "I gotta find somebody." "This is a good team." "We've got a chance of winning the pennant." "Wait a second." "Does anyone wanna manage the team here?" "Wanna hear a crazy idea?" "What about me?" "That's not crazy." "That's a great idea." "I knew it was either one or the other." "Just give me a second." "This is perfect for you." "You got some extra time." " It would be good for you." " You know I never managed." "The highest I got was third base coach." " Yeah." " Don't worry." "You'll be great." " Can I talk to you about this?" " Not right now." "You think I can handle it?" "You're not kidding?" "I'm not kidding." " You got a manager." " I'll introduce you to the kids." " They're in the park." " Things are going so fast." "I'll be back before you know I'm gone." "Probably before I know I'm gone." "I just got a real strong feeling." "Watch the bar." "No." "I mean about this idea that Coach will manage the team." "I sense disaster." "Come on." "The guy's home life is a can of spaghettiOs and re-runs of "Baretta"." "This will be good for him." "Every guy needs a hobby, right?" "I wish I had time for one." "You've got time to make your own coal." "This is serious." "Everyone knows there's a lot of pressure in children's baseball." "The parents take it very seriously." "I'm afraid they'll take somebody as gentle as Coach and eat him alive." "You're kidding." "He's been in the big leagues." "This is not gonna be pressure." "Wait a minute." "He was working for somebody else." "He was never the boss." "I can't help feeling something's wrong." "You can have your feelings, but this is guy's stuff." "I mean, there's a male bond that happens between men." "Women don't understand." "Hey, sweetheart." "This is part of me that is private and you're gonna have to stay away from." "So hands off, no trespassing, end of discussion." "Really." "Very well." "And from now on, there's a part of me that's hands off to you." "Just my luck." "It'll be one of the parts I care about." " Can I ask you a question?" " Shoot." "Where do you stand on breast-feeding?" "As I recall, I liked it." "No." "I mean me with my baby in here." "I guess it's cheaper than a piano player." "I'm tired of having to run home to feed her all the time during my shift." "I should have done like I did with my others." " You didn't breast-feed the other four?" " They went right to raw meat." " Hey, everybody." " Hey, Cliff." "Thank you." "Remember that money you were gonna lend me?" "Of course." "You're a friend, you're in need, and I'm here to help you." "I've got your money." "Look, is a handshake good enough for you?" " Sure." " Not for me." "A loan application?" "That's right." "It's a loan we're talking about, not a hand-out." "I don't want this kind of humiliation, all right?" "I wouldn't ask unless I really needed it." "All right." "I gotcha." "Just kidding around here." "This is gonna go a long way to pay a lot of bills." "I should think of something nice for Vera, too." "How about a candlelit dinner for two?" "Great." "Come on." "We'll talk about Vera later." "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Titans!" "Move it." "Let's go." "That's a well-drilled team." " Thank you." " Yeah, and look at you." " Thank you." " How about doing the honours?" "Sure." "This is Sam Mayday Malone." "Probably the greatest relief pitcher baseball ever knew." "Then he hit the bottle and he was through in less than a year." "This is Diane." "She's smart." "Let me introduce my boys to you." "This is Peewee, Moose, Juice, Goose, The Tank, The Chancellor, The Bull," "The Cannonball Express, Specs, and Dynamic Duo." "What have you been working on so far?" "Nicknames." "But the party's over now and we start busting some butts." "I'll have them in shape within the week." " There you go." " Isn't that the way with children?" "delightful melding of their innocence and your wisdom." "We teach them, but they leave their impression on us." "Deviant." "Forget it." "I can handle this." "I got a way of communicating with kids." "Everybody file out, except you, Specs." "Let's go." "Move it, move it." "Maybe this thing will be a good experience for him." "He's standing a little taller, there's a light in his eye." "He's like a whole new person." "You get only one chance to make a mistake on this team." "Go home and tell your mother you're a flop." "A whole new person I dislike intensely." "You're gonna kick him off the team for that one incident?" "Not just that." "He's leading the league in errors." "The only thing he's had his hands on is Diane's keister." "Who the hell are you guys talking to?" "We've been talking stupid to a duck." "We kept it quiet." "She's hungry." "Well, here's dinner." "It makes us a little uncomfortable." " OK, OK." "I'll go in Sam's office." " Thank you." "Whatever happened to modesty?" "Who'd wanna look at something like that?" " You guys seen Miss June?" " What have we got here?" "Oh, dear." "Norm's in season again." "Coach is a little late this evening." " They must be into an extra innings." " How are they doing?" "They have not lost since Coach took over." "Coach has lost his sweet disposition." "He's turned into a tyrant." "But he's winning." "That's the important thing here." "Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here." "Then you won't mind losing this argument." " Over my dead body." " Don't bring last night into this." "That's exactly what it was." "Your last night." "Come on." "Come on." "I was just kidding." "Don't be mad." "What were we arguing about?" "Coach is just being dedicated, that's all." "I never thought I'd say this about another man, but Coach may have the attributes to be a good postal carrier." "Dedication, intensity single-mindedness." "The inability to recognise the word "fragile"." "I still say this was a mistake for Coach." "Don't touch me." "It's not a mistake." "He's got a hobby, that's all." "He's having fun." "I can stand physical errors but not mental errors." " After this, somebody has to go." " What happened?" "You lost?" "We won, but by only one run." "What's the point if you can't humiliate the other team?" "You've got to intimidate them." "Crush them." "Crush them!" "Hey, now, there's a fun guy." "He's not having the fun you're talking about, laughing and giggling and running barefoot through fields." " That's woman's fun." " Woman's fun." "Yeah." "Coach is having men's fun." "He's active, he's working hard, he's getting the job done." " Do you believe anything you're saying?" " No, but lying's another men fun thing." " I am going to talk to Coach." " Come on." "Leave him alone." "He's obsessing." "I know the signs." "I had a small obsession until I got some help." "You did?" "I was obsessive compulsive about neatness." "I demanded everything be in its proper place." "But now look at the laissez faire attitude I have about my apron." "In the old days, I would have insisted that it be pencil, pen, pencil, pen, pad." "Now it doesn't matter if it's pen, pencil, pen, pencil, pad or pencil, pencil, pen, pen, pad." "Or even pencil, pen, pad, pencil, pen." "There's one thing I can't have." "This." "Pad, pen, pen, pencil, pencil." "That's just irritating." "Have we got any more antacid tablets?" "You've been throwing down a lot of those." "And a lot of good they've been doing me." "Come on." "It's busy out here." "Are you working tonight?" "Not a chance." "We play our division rivals tomorrow." "Wait." "You've got a job here." "If you don't do your work, I have to replace you." "Do what you want, but stay out of my office." " Maybe we both ought to go in." " Let me do the talking." " You won't know I'm there." " Like last night." "No, I'll save my left-hander for Saturday." "What am I thinking about?" "I don't have a left-hander." "Those boys are children." "And childhood is supposed to be a time when you're free to play a game just for the fun of it, you know?" " Fun." " That's right." "Fun." "That's it exactly." "Fun!" "That's why they're making mistakes." "They're not having fun." "They're gonna learn how to have fun, or they don't play in my team!" "Sit down, right now." "Take a deep breath here." "Don't you think that you..." "Coach, let it out." "Don't you think you're overdoing this a bit?" "You know what it takes to win ball games." "You're doing this to make up for not making it in the big leagues." "But you don't have to do that." " You were a damn good coach." " I was?" "You bet, and it was because you cared." "How many times did you walk me up and down the locker room before games pouring coffee down my throat?" "No one else would have bothered." "You're right." "I was a lovely man." "But it's not enough." "I'm a contender for the championship." "When I go out there, all those parents cheer for me." " They cheer me on." " Really?" "After all we've been through, you're asking me to give all that up?" " Well, I..." " Coach, tell us this." "Sure, you walk out there and you hear the cheers, but what is it costing you?" "Well, let's see." "I had to buy a jockstrap." "Hey, how's my baby?" "I'm fine, but I'm a little busy." "Come on in." "I'm just gonna check her out." " You do what you want with your team." " Thank you." " Where are you going?" " Please leave me alone." "There, there, Lucia." "Now doesn't that feel better?" "I wish I could do that." "There, there." " Thanks." " My pleasure." "You're not going to accept that." "What is the problem you're trying to solve here?" "I mean, the Coach is happy, the families are happy, the kids are happy." "Here are Coach's happy little players now." "Are you on the sauce again?" " We're miserable." " We came to quit." " We can't stand it any more." " The pressure's getting to us." "All right." "Maybe you guys ought to tell the Coach to his face." "We'd like to do something else to his face." " What are you guys doing here?" " They came by to quit." "Forget it." "Nobody's quitting." "Well, I am." "I can't take it any more." "You're too hard on me." "I can't sleep." "My pets hate me." "I'm starting to smoke again." "I've had enough and I'm through." "Me too!" "You're gonna quit." "That's what I've got on my hands, a bunch of quitters?" "Go ahead and quit." "I can go it alone." "Who needs you?" "Get outta here!" "Quit!" "Thank you." "Get back here!" "Line up against that bar, all of you." "I got a little story for you and I hope it sticks with you for the rest of your life." "Sam, what's a good story?" "I don't know." "What's a good story?" "Why don't you tell a story about a real mean guy?" "Mean guy?" "The one you told me." "The Pledge of Allegiance." "Him!" "Listen." "When I was a kid in school just about your age," "I had this teacher, a real mean guy, guy named Mr Spires." "He wanted me to learn the Pledge of Allegiance." "One day in assembly, he had me say it in front of the whole school." "I'd stayed up the whole night before trying to learn it." "But when I got up on that stage, I drew a complete blank." "I was lost." "And Mr Spires says, "Nobody is going to leave until Pantusso remembers. "" "I stood there." "It seemed like forever, with everybody laughing at me." "It was probably the worst day of my life." "And the point is that you finally did learn the Pledge of Allegiance." "No, I never learned it." "But you respected Mr Spires for trying to help you." "No, I hated his guts." "But now you respect him for it." "No." "He died." "I was glad he died." "Thank you." "I'm sure the guys enjoyed that inspiring story." "I guess I must have said the wrong story." " I don't know." " You told the right story." "Why did I say it?" "You don't want these guys to leave hating you like you hated Mr Spires." "Holy mackerel." "So that's what you had on your minds!" "Listen." "Nobody but nobody's gonna turn me into a Mr Spires." "Understand?" "There's gonna be some changes here." "You bet your boots there's gonna be." "From now on, no two-a-day practices." "You're lucky if you get two a week." "And any game we play, everybody plays, even the lousy ones, like you, Peewee." "Got it?" "And if we win, we win, and if we lose, well, tough noogies." "Shut up!" "Give these guys sodas till they drop." "And I'm buying it." "Shut up!" "Turn around and have your sodas." "If we lose tomorrow, it's your butt." "You made me so happy." "We finally got our Coach back." "Things are gonna be better than they were before." "There's beauty in art, beauty in nature." "I think that applies to human nature, too." "Things are allowed to take their course, but we have to be tolerant." " We have to..." " Your pad's upside down." "English"