"Oh, hail." "Oh, you're here already." "Oh, I didn't realise it was that late." "I'm so sorry." "Doesn't tempus fugit?" "All right, then, off with the clobber, on with the drama." "There we are." "Shan't keep you long." "Now... (CLEARING THROAT)" "Greetings, noble plebeians, crafty artisans, and arty courtesans." "I think that's the lot." "Good." "Now, the bit I'm going to do now is called the prologue." "And, you see, not only is this a quick way to get into the fruity part of the plot, but also, it helps me to fill you in with who is who, who does what to who, and to whom they does what to." "You see?" "And in addition..." "In addition, how." "Which brings me back to the fruity part." "Now, my name is Lurcio." "How do you do?" "Yes, nicely, thanks." "And, erm, I'm a slave in the household of Ludicrus Sextus." "Now, to avoid disappointment..." "Quiet, please, for the prologue." "Now, to avoid disappointment, may I explain, this means Ludicrus the sixth." ""Sixth", not Ludicrus the "sexy"." "Because, you see..." "No, he's a senator, and, of course, politicians don't have time for that sort of thing." "Well, they didn't in these days, if you understand." "LUDICRUS:" "Lurcio, where are you?" "Lurcio." "Oh, God." "I'm here, master." "That's him now, silly old fool." "I expect he's lost his laurel leave." "Oh, take no notice." "Right, here we go, the prologue." "In Pompeii..." "Lurcio, what are you doing out here?" "I'm trying to do the prologue." "Oh, I beg your pardon." "Well, be quick about it, will you?" "I can't find my laurel leaves." "Oh, you'll have to get some fresh ones, master, the last ones have got greenfly, I'm sorry." "Jumping Jupiter, I hate them straight off the bush, gives me a rash." "Isn't it marvellous, eh?" "I have to do everything around here, you know." "I'm absolutely indispensable." "That's why they've made me the major domo." "I said domo." "Let us have no misunderstandings at the commencement." "Now, our story takes place..." "Ooh!" "Our story takes place in ancient Pompeii." "Now, Pompeii is situated..." "Now, imagine Italy is the shape of a woman's leg." "Well, Pompeii is situated not quite high enough to be interesting, do you understand?" "Yes." "Now, in Pompeii..." "Oh, Pompeii!" "Oh, woe, woe and thrice woe." "LURCIO:" "Oh, dear." "Oh, it's her, Cassandra, an elderly prophetess, dressed in sombre rags." "Hear my words, oh, wicked citizens of Pompeii." "Now, this is where we get the death and destruction bit." "I see a great fall." "Your proud city will vanish in the sands of time." "There you are." "Didn't I tell you?" "Oh, she does go on." "Repent before it's too late!" "Yes." "Yes." "Give up your vile and licentious ways." "This is the ashes in the hair bit." "Oh, she's a silly old bag, she really is." "You laugh, I'll tell you one thing, you won't believe this, but once she had a good job, a wonderful job, as a vestal virgin." "'Course..." "Well, she..." "You see, she had to go and lose it." "But, I mean..." "Well, they tend to, don't they?" "You see, and all she's good for now is a bit of soothsaying." "Sooth, sooth, sooth, soo!" "See?" "Didn't I tell you?" "Yes." "Oh, she's a funny woman." "Oh, woe." "Yes." "Woe." "Woe, yes." "What a shame." "Look here." "Thank you, we'll let you know." "Look, dear..." "Woe..." "Go and woe out in the next street." "And give them a treat." "Woe off." "Woe!" "Woe!" "Mustn't take notice of her because, you know, she's a little..." "She can't help it." "She's at a funny time of life, you know." "She's very difficult." "Mind you, she has a point." "She has a point about Pompeii." "Ooh, some shocking things go on here, you know." "Shocking." "Licentiousness, libertinage, orgies, even bingo." "Up in Rome, they do as the Romans do." "Here, they do the lot." "Now, the prologue." "In Pompeii..." "Lurcio!" "Lurcio, haven't you finished yet?" "Oh, dear..." "I haven't started." "Well, I can't wait any longer." "I have to deliver a speech to the Senate." "Do you?" "And the best of Pompeii luck to them." "Yes, it's my new bill proposing that slaves should be allowed to purchase their freedom." "Slaves allowed to purchase their freedom?" "Yes." "I'd like you to hear it." "Oh, I can't wait!" "Oh!" ""Friends, Romans, countrymen..."" "Oh, there's original for you." "Yes." ""Lend me your feet..."" "Yes." "Pardon?" ""Feet"." ""Feet"?" "Well, wouldn't it be the ears?" "That might be more subtle, don't you think?" "Ears?" "Yes." "Ears?" "Well, that wouldn't make sense, you see?" "I go on to say, "Help me to stamp out the curse of slavery."" "Well, you can't stamp out anything with your ears, now, can you?" "Well, you know, one must be rational." "Yes, well, master, if we're being rational, how do we slaves purchase our freedom?" "Well, with money, of course." "I see." "Well, I thought 500 drachma." "Did you?" "I see." "Well, tell me." "How do we slaves save up 500 drachma when you don't pay us anything?" "Oh, well, that's your problem, isn't it?" "I see." "Well, I can't do everything for you, can I?" "Oh, Pater!" "Oh, there you are." "Mmm." "Pater, darling, can I have the chariot today, please?" "Oh, my dear child, I was going to use it myself." "Oh, please, darling, I wanted to drive out to the Elysian Fields and pick some flowers for Mater." "Dear child." "What?" "Now, listen, that's his daughter Erotica." "Yes, what?" "I could tell you a few things about her." "She's one of the original liberteenagers." "And don't let that bit about picking flowers for Mater fool you, because she goes there to meet a young gladiator, and believe me, they'll flatten more flowers than they'll pick, that's for sure." "Well, now, here is the key of the chariot, my dear." "Thank you, darling Pater." "Oh, sweet child." "And so delightfully chaste." "Yes, and so easily caught up with." "Well, all things being equal, as friend Pythagoras said when he met me on the square of the hypotenuse... (LUDICRUS LAUGHING)" "Oh, well, don't bother." "I wasn't going to." "Well, you'd better call me a litter." "Yes, don't think I'm not tempted to." "Very well." "Oh, master, you're lucky, there's one on the rank." "I say, come along, quickly." "There's a gentleman here waiting for it." "Well, don't tell the whole neighbourhood." "Just send him up." "Ah, my love." "Oh, it's you." "I thought you'd gone." "No, just waiting for a litter, my dear." "I'll be back for lunch." "Will you be all right till then?" "Oh, I expect I'll find something to do." "I'll say she will." "Now, that's his wife," "Ammonia." "Now..." "Yes, his wife, and she's my mistress." "Well, I say "mistress", I don't mean..." "I mean I serve her." "Well, I..." "No." "I don't mean I..." "I mean, if she fancies a bit..." "I mean, if..." "I have to give her what she wants." "If she..." "It's a..." "The prologue." "In Pompeii..." "Mind you, she's a funny woman." "What a funny woman." "Round here, they call her "the coastguard", she's always on the lookout for something." "Please yourselves." "I'll try one more." "Here we are, come on." "Listen." "She was in the sack of Carthage, and she's never been out of the sack since." "Oh, I'm flogging it." "It's a dead horse with this lot." "All right." "Lurcio!" "Lurcio!" "Yes." "Excuse me." "Yes, mistress, what willest thou?" "Did you remember to order the asses' milk?" "Yes, mistress, 20 gallons." "It's up in your bath, ready." "Good." "I'm looking forward to having a good old soak." "Yes, mistress, I'll send him up as soon as he arrives." "Oh, 20 gallons a time." "They must milk those poor asses to a standstill." "Well, it's not that." "It doesn't worry me that." "It's what they do with the milk after that worries me." "Well, it makes the tea all gritty." "Oh, it's nasty." "LURCIO:" "Ah, now..." "Ah, the litter." "Now, come on, get a move on." "What?" "Er, not you, master." "Now, to the Senate." "Step on it." "What do you mean you've seen it before?" "These old gags are the best." "Now..." "A late but welcome laugh." "In Pompeii..." "AMMONIA:" "Lurcio!" "Oh, I shall never finish this prologue." "Yes, mistress." "AMMONIA:" "I want you." "Ooh!" "All right." "Here we go again." "Always happens." "Work, work, work, she's never done." "Oh, she gets me down. 'Course, you see, she's terribly plebeian, you know." "Oh, so plebeian." "That means "common as muck"." "Well, what do you expect?" "Look at her background." "Haven't you seen it yet?" "Well, have a good look next time she comes on." "Oh, you can't miss it." "Right." "Dear mirror, I am beautiful, aren't I?" "Oh, I do wish you wouldn't argue with me." "Lurcio!" "Yes, mistress?" "You wanted something." "I'm afraid I've lost the soap again." "Have you?" "Oh." "Find it for me, please?" "You see what I mean?" "I have to do everything around here." "Oh, well." "Turn your backs, please." "Lurcio!" "Lurcio, where are you?" "Lurcio!" "Lurcio." "It is I, Nausius." "(AMMONIA GIGGLING AND SPLASHING)" "Is that you up there, Lurcio?" "(AMMONIA SCREECHING)" "AMMONIA:" "Careful, you're treading on my wand." "Mummy, you all right?" "Oh, dear, what a time I've had." "Lurcio, what ails my mother?" "Oh, I can't tell you." "You're too young." "I'm sorry." "Excuse me." "(LOUD RUMBLING)" "What was that?" "Oh, look." "Those poor asses." "20 gallons down the drain." "And Mother?" "Oh, no, no such luck." "Well, I'll go and see if she's all right." "Mummy!" "Mummy, never fear, your little Nausius is here!" "In case you haven't twigged it, that's her son, Nausius." "And he is, if I may say so, a trifle odd." "Oh, yes, they had them in those days, as well." "Can't you guess?" "No, he's a poet." "He's a poet." "He writes odes to this, that and the other, mostly the other." "Now, the prologue..." "Where's me stool?" "I had a stool." "Lurcio." "What?" "Something wonderful has happened." "What?" "I've fallen passionately in love." "Oh, this should be interesting." "Now we're getting to the fruity part." "Yes." "You saw the ship that came into harbour this morning?" "Yes." "It brought Captain Bilius, the Phrygian slave trader." "I thought I saw some Phrygian in the rigging." "He had four women captives from far off Britannicus." "Did he?" "And one of them was so beautiful," "I lost my heart the moment I saw her." "The moment you saw her what?" "Oh, I..." "Ah, yes!" "It was love at first sight, Lurcio." "Ah..." "Nonsense, there's no such thing." "MAN:" "Hear the wise words of Plautus." ""It is a well-known fact that in ancient Pompeii" ""love at first sight saved an awful lot of time. "" "No fool, that Plautus." "He's quite a sage." "He knows his onions." "(AUDIENCE GROANING)" "What do you expect, wit?" "Oh, Lurcio, her beauty was such, that I was at once inspired to write odes." "Oh!" "Here." "Read these tablets I've inscribed." "Oh, he's inscribed his tablets." "How sweet." ""When first I saw her standing there, my heart sang like a trumpet..."" "Get ready." ""So fine of face, so fair of form, a wondrous piece of..."" "I'm lost for a word to rhyme there." "Are you?" "Well, you're the only one who is, I'll tell you that." "Lurcio?" "Yes." "Here." "Fifty drachmas, all I possess." "Please, will you purchase her for me?" "Purchase her for you?" "Fifty drachmas?" "Well, I'll do the best I can, certainly." "Oh, thank you, dear Lurcio!" "Ah..." "No, wait..." "Now..." "Oh, that's enough!" "Thank you." "I'm not one of those." "I mean, one of those women, I mean." "Well, what shall I do with myself in the meantime?" "I'm positively ill with frustration." "Now, you're working yourself up." "You'll make yourself poorly." "Now, relax." "I'll tell you what, now, go down to the port and see what that Captain Bilius does with those girls." "All right?" "I say, keep taking the tablets." "Yes." "Yes." "Ah, 50 drachmas." "Now, if I could get that girl for nothing," "I should only need 450 drachmas more to purchase my freedom." "Can you see the plot thickening now?" "Can you?" "Notice we're using corn flour." "Oh, you noticed that." "Lurcio, come quickly." "He's bringing them up the street now!" "Oh, Lurcio, please be sure to purchase the right one." "Yes." "She's the one with the bear skin." "Oh, this should be interesting as well, yes." "All right, don't worry, now you get out." "Get out, go on." "I'll do the best I can." "I say, you there." "Me?" "Yes, you with the long tassel." "Well..." "It's got a key on the end, you see, it stretches it." "It can't be helped." "You." "Know you the way to the Ludi Puerorum Club?" "The what, sir?" "The Ludi Puerorum Club." "Oh, the Ludi Puerorum Club, that den of iniquity?" "I'll say, I do." "Now, look, go down the street, two metres, on the left." "Excellent." "All right, at ease, men." "So, that's where he's taking them, to the Ludi Puerorum Club." "That's Latin for "Boy Of The Play" club." "I never thought you had it in you." "Yes, and the girls there are dressed as..." "Guess." "Yes, eagles, little eagles, because it's the favourite bird of the Romans." "Listen, "club"?" "I don't know why they call it a club." "It's more like a bawdy house." "Room and board, ten drachmas." "(AUDIENCE HECKLING)" "Look, before you start complaining, you pay your licence money." "Now, I must try and purchase that girl for my master." "Oh, yes, not bad, not bad at all." "Yes, very adequate." "For sale, I presume?" "(SCOFFING) Don't tell me you're interested." "Oh, yes." "Yes, occasionally I force myself into a dabble, certainly." "Oh!" "Well, which one are you interested in, then, hmm?" "Now, this one, Helga, she is native of Londinium." "Oh, yes, she's wearing the minimus." "I see that." "Very King's Roadius." "And..." "BILIUS:" "And that one is a native of Bristolum." "Oh, yes, that sticks out a mile." "I have a yen for that one on the end." "Cilla." "Oh, yes, such a pretty nose." "Yes." "Then what would you offer me for her?" "Well, I should say, what..." "Ooh, I should say, what..." "I should say, I don't want to be parsimonious." "I should say, what, ten drachmas?" "(SCOFFING)" "I wish he was sitting out there, he'd be a godsend in the audience." "You must be joking." "Why, I am told that for prime women," "Odius Maximus will give me 100 apiece." "100 drachmas?" "I wouldn't dream of paying that much for a piece." "BILIUS:" "Well, then be off, and don't waste me time." "Oh, that voice is like an echo from the past, when I was a young girl many years ago." "Oh, well, two or three years ago." "Can it be?" "It is." "Bilius Tartius!" "Who called my name?" "'Tis like an echo from the past." "Do you not remember that night in the house on the hill?" "How could I ever forget it?" "That nubile young girl dying to taste the fruits of passion." "Mmm, and you that handsome young captain, all too ready to pluck them." "And just as you were about to submit to me, suddenly the ground shook, and the heavens rained down molten rocks." "Oh, yes, how we laughed." "Oh, yes, I thought we should never stop laughing." "MAN:" "Hear the words of Plautus." ""It is a well-known fact that in old Pompeii," ""volcanic eruptions usually brought the house down. "" "We must not be seen embracing publicly." "Come into the house." "Yes, and quickly, before we have another earthquake." "I say, you there." "Oh, thank you." "It's about time I was brought back into things, I'm not just a pretty prologue, you know." "Here is ten drachmas." "Oh, ten drachmas." "Keep your eyes on these girls, will you?" "And no funny business with them, understood?" "Oh, don't worry, Captain, sir." "They'll come to no harm from me." "Funnily enough, I can believe that." "Flabby tassel." "Oh, he's hurt me now." "You see, typical of all military types." "They're so arrogant, aren't they?" "They think they rule the world." "Well, of course, they do, but still, after all..." "Lurcio!" "Yes?" "Will he do it?" "Oh, I'm sure he will." "He was in there like a sex-starved rabbit." "He will sell the girl?" "(STAMMERING) Oh, sell the... (STAMMERING) I..." "No..." "Ah, well, now..." "Ah, now..." "Ooh, now, this is it." "I was wondering how to get these in." "Thank you." "No, listen." "I have just purchased that girl for you for 50 drachmas." "Oh, dear friend!" "Oh, look, listen." "You have to stop this." "Friendship's one thing, but this is soppy." "Oh, sweet maiden." "Dearest..." "LURCIO:" "Cilla." "Dearest Cilla, fear no more." "I love you and I have purchased your freedom." "Oh, I say." "Thank you very much, sir." "You know, I wasn't looking forward to spending the rest of my days in a house of ill-repute." "Oooh, it's not the days you gotta worry about, girl, it's the nights." "Well, don't stand there looking at her, get her away from here, before the captain comes back." "But how?" "She is firmly fettered." "Well, pull the chain, pull the chain." "I've done it!" "Ah, the flush of success." "(AUDIENCE HECKLING)" "Look, keep that child quiet, madam, please." "Don't stand there." "Come on, hurry up!" "Fear not, I'm at a fever of impatience." "Come, sweet Cilla, let us find a trysting place." "Yes, if he doesn't tryst soon, he'll bust." "Now..." "Aha!" "So far, so good." "I have 60 crafty drachmas towards my freedom fund." "Now, the main thing is, how to prevent the captain from finding out he's a girl missing." "Yes." "Talking of captains, I wonder what he's up to." "As if we couldn't guess." "Oh, cor!" "(LURCIO EXCLAIMING)" "Here, look..." "Look, it's a..." "Ooh!" "Yeah, well, don't push, don't push." "Now, look..." "Look, form a queue." "Now..." "That's it." "Oh, look!" "Oh, control yourselves, please." "Now, look." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Come on, there's one more." "Come on." "Ooh!" "That's the lot." "Oh, look." "Oh, cor..." "Lurcio, finished that prologue yet?" "Er, no, master, I'm afraid not." "I've had so many interruptions." "Oh, well, I shan't detain you." "No, master!" "Look, I shouldn't go in there if I were you." "You see, the mistress is still at her toilet." "Oh, tut, tut, tut, tut." "She always seems to be at it." "Oh, you're so right." "Well, just tell her I shan't be home for luncheon." "I have to entertain some visiting senators from Rome." "Yes, master." "Yes." "Oh, oh, oh!" "What are these young persons doing here?" "Oh, they're resting, master." "Yes, they're on their way to do service in the Ludi Puerorum Club." "What?" "That infamous place?" "Yes, master." "Oh, poor things." "So..." "So shapely." "So..." "So young." "So..." "So virginal." "Yes, well, they'll soon change all that." "You know, something must be done about this bawdy house business, Lurcio." "Oh, certainly, sir." "Oh, they're a thorn in the thigh of our society..." "Yes, master." "...a blemish on the bosom of our fair city, a blot on the bottom of our copybook." "Yes, yes, terrible, terrible." "Tut, tut, tut, tut." "Well, the Ludi Puerorum Club, you said?" "Yes, master." "Yes, well, oh, shocking, shocking..." "Tut, tut, tut, tut." "I must be off." "The Ludi Puerorum, you said?" "Yes, master." "Down the street, two metres..." "Yes, master." "Tut, tut, tut, tut." "On the left?" "Oh, tut, tut, tut, tut." "Oh, he's a silly old fool." "Oh, dear, oh, dear." "I'll tell you something, if he'd gone into his wife's room, he'd have had something to tut about." "Never mind." "But wait." "You may as well, there's nothing on the other two channels." "Wait." "Now." "Now's my chance to get rid of Captain Bilius, and sell those other three girls there for 100 drachmas apiece." "Oh, yes, I can be very crafty when it behoves me, and I'm behoving now like a thing possessed." "Mistress, carpe, carpe!" "That's Latin for "look out"." "You see, it raises the tone of the programme." "Mistress, your husband is without." "Yes, I know, he's been that way for years." "And that lowers it again." "No, the master is outside." "Oh?" "That does not frighten me." "Ah, but he's got six Praetorian Guards with him." "That frightens me." "Great Zeus, look at the time!" "I must gird off, gird off!" "Gird up there." "Sabre," "breastplate, broad piece." "Yes." "Now, come on, out the back way." "What about my small piece?" "Don't worry, it doesn't show." "This way." "I say, what's this?" "How can I escape from here?" "Dive over that balcony." "What?" "Now, this creek leads to the harbour." "You can swim to your ship." "What about my armour?" "Well, I'll dispose of that." "Don't waste time." "Dive, dive, dive!" "(HORN SOUNDING)" "(CLUNKING)" "Oh, dear." "What a damn shame." "Low tide." "Ah." "Now, you can see the purpose of my crafty behovia." "You see?" "(WOMAN CHUCKLING IN AUDIENCE)" "Thank you." "One laughter." "Yes, now, all that's left for me to do is to purport." "Isn't that a lovely word?" "Do it again?" "Do it again?" "Yes, I don't mind, pleasure." "Is to purport." "To..." "I'll do it thrice." "To purport to be Captain Bilius." "Sell those three girls there for 100 drachmas apiece." "That's 400 drachmas all together." "Now, if I could only find another girl to sell," "I'd have my 500 drachmas." "Now, where can I find another girl to sell?" "AMMONIA:" "Lurcio, Lurcio!" "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Yes, good, I'll hide." "I'll hide these." "Lurcio, Lurcio, where is he?" "Where's the master?" "Oh, yes, I'm sorry, mistress." "I made a mistake." "He wasn't on his way here at all." "He was going down to the temple of Aphrodite." "You see, someone pinched her nightie." "(AUDIENCE GROANING)" "Oh, shut your mouths." "Oh, then Captain Bilius need not have gone, and I might never see him again." "Don't worry, mistress." "Now, Captain Bilius has sent a message to you via me." "He wants to meet you in the Ludi Puerorum Club." "Really?" "Yes." "Oh, but how can I, the much-loved wife of a respected senator," "I mean, the much-respected wife of a much-loved senator..." "You were right first time." "Really, how can I go to such a place?" "Well, listen." "Come here, this way." "Mind the slipper bath." "Now, listen." "I'm taking a consignment of young ladies there from ancient Britain." "Ancient Britain." "Now, why don't you pretend to be one of those?" "Oh, Lurcio, how clever you are." "Oh, but wait, they'll know I'm not a woman of Britain by my tongue." "Well, then, don't show them your tongue." "The rest of your equipment is identical." "Now, go and disguise yourself." "Well, what as?" "A scrubber." "It shouldn't take her long." "Now, I'm off, now." "Now, I'll see you lot in the Ludi Puerorum Club, all right?" "You know how to get there, don't you?" "That's right." "Down the street, tut, tut." "On the left, tut, tut." "Two metres, tut, tut." "Ta, ta!" "Oh, dear, these mini litters are hell." "There was one good thing:" "at least you do get to know each other quicker." "Right, now, please adjust..." "Adjust your dress." "Yes, right, here we go, then." "Inside, follow me." "Ladies, ladies, ladies, you can't do this to me now." "What a time to have a stand-up strike!" "Look, I'll tell you what I'll do." "(WEARY GROAN)" "This is positively my last offer, a six-night week, double bubble for any day work." "That's fair, innit?" "ALL:" "No!" "(ALL COMPLAINING)" "All right." "Walk out." "Ruin me." "You got no pride in your profession." "All right, show the gentleman in." "My life, what a business." "I should have stuck to managing gladiators." "Greetings, are you the madam of the house?" "Am I the...?" "A military gentleman, just my luck." "I'm sorry, Captain, if you've come for a bit of fun..." "No, certainly not!" "I have no wish to delve into your flesh pots." "Well, you couldn't have picked a better day." "No, no, no, I've come here to do you a favour." "I've brought four young women from ancient Britain." "Women from Britain?" "Yes, Britannicus Swingus." "Do you mind?" "A messenger from heaven." "Where are they?" "They're outside now." "Come on." "In, at the double." "Now, come on, knees up." "In fact, everything up, right?" "At ease." "Not bad, Captain." "Not bad at all." "Oh, good stuff." "No schmutter." "Except this one on the end, I'm afraid she's past it." "Past it?" "How dare you!" "Do you know who you're speaking to?" "Mistress, mistress." "I'll explain everything to the madam later." "Sir, sir." "You must be very careful." "That one was very special." "Was?" "Possibly." "Yes." "She was the favourite of the conqueror of Britain, Brutus, himself." "Really?" "Yes." "Yes, for years he carried her bust on a pedestal." "Could do with a bit of support now." "I say, I'll do the funny lines." "You just run the house, if you don't mind." "Well, I'm not at all sure about all four." "No, I'm sorry, I'm not splitting them." "It's the lot or nothing." "All right, already." "Agrippa, show them to their rooms." "Now, don't worry." "The madam will show your captain to your room as soon as he arrives." "Oh." "(EXCLAIMING) Here, what are you at?" "It's all right." "He's only gonna show you to your room." "Oh, well, that's all right, then." "Shall I be safe with him?" "But of course." "He's a eunuch, already." "A what?" "A eunuch." "Oh, well." "I wondered why he hadn't spoken." "They have them cut out, you know." "Excuse me, please, I have some visitors." "Of course." "Senator, greetings." "Oh, greetings, noble Odius." "I brought a few friends along." "It's the master." "Dirty old devil!" "Well, I must conceal myself." "Well, gentlemen, I got something very special for you this afternoon." "Lurcio." "The master is without." "Well, I can't help that." "He's not having mine." "They've got all the best lines, you know." "It's not right." "Now you, sir, room duo." "Duo." "Room tres for you, sir." "Room tres." "Room quattuor." "And for me, noble Odius?" "For you, something special." "Room quinque." "Cooee." "AMMONIA:" "Cooee." "Now." "Now is our chance to escape." "Come on, hurry up." "(AMMONIA YELLING)" "Never mind what I'm doing here." "What are you doing here?" "I just..." "Shh!" "I..." "Nausius." "Father." "Son!" "Mother!" "Erotica!" "Mother!" "Daughter!" "Father!" "Sister!" "Brother!" "Oh, you've met." "Well, I mean, I've heard of family reunions, but this is ridiculous, isn't it?" "What are you all doing in this disgusting place?" "Well, what are you doing in this disgusting place?" "Yes, that's a very good question!" "What are you doing in this disgusting place?" "As a matter of fact, Father, what are you doing in this disgusting place?" "How dare you speak to your father like that!" "(ALL ARGUING)" "Quiet!" "Quiet." "If you'll spare me a moment, I can explain everyone's presence in this disgusting place satisfactorily." "Now, the master, here, has come because he is about to propose a bill in the Senate to abolish bawdy houses." "And he is here to ferret out some vital statistics about bawdy houses." "Isn't that correct, master?" "Statistics." "Bawdy houses." "Ferret out." "Oh..." "Yes." "Oh, he's a silly old fool, he really is." "Now, the mistress, here, has come in search of her poor old mother, who does occasionally come here, having fallen on hard times," "to do a little light choring on the side." "Very true." "And the master, the noble young master, yes." "Stuck for an ending to his ode, he..." "He has come here to try to find a word to rhyme with trumpet." "Of course, that's it exactly." "Yes..." "Look, you must stop doing this." "See someone about it." "Now, please." "Oh, yes, Erotica." "You see," "Erotica couldn't find a place in the local gymnasium to practice, and so she comes here with her friend, this lusty, young gladiator, to assist and to help his grappling." "Oh, true, true." "Ah-ha, there we are." "MAN:" "Hear the words of Plautus." ""It is a well-known fact, that in ancient Pompeii, some people would believe anything."" "(GROANING)" "I am very grateful to you, Lurcio, for your assistance in that place." "Oh." "Not at all, master." "If there's aught I can do for you at any time..." "Ah, well, yes, master, there is aught you could do." "Now, look, I have collected 500 drachmas and I wish to purchase my freedom." "Oh, no, I'm afraid you can't." "What?" "No, no, no, no, you see." "The Senate threw out my bill this morning." "Threw out your bill?" "Yes, yes." "Oh, no." "Oh, don't say that." "Yes." "Well, I've just said it." "Well, don't say it again." "Well, I'm frightfully sorry, but, oh, tut, tut, tut, tut..." "Oh!" "Oh, dear." "Oh, I'm flabbergasted." "My flabber is completely gasted." "It's as limp as me tassel." "Oh, well," "I suppose it's back to the prologue." "Nothing else for it." "All right, the prologue." "In Pompeii..." "Beware, beware!" "Not again." "The time is near." "The end is here!" "The end is here!" "She's right, you know." "The end is here." "Oh, doesn't tempus fugit?" "Well, I can do no better than to leave you with the famous words from Cleopatra's last speech to Mark Antony," ""If you've enjoyed it, please tell your friends."" "Salute."