"Huh?" "Honey, honey, wake up." "It's almost time for The Sketch Show." "I was having another nightmare." "About what?" "I was watching a tennis match." "Season 1, episode 2" "Patch will be greatly missed." "He was a loving, loyal, and above all, obedient dog." "Roll over." "Okay, team," "Mr. Tompkins called this meeting last night." "I've absolutely no idea what it's about, but I must warn you, he did seem very, very concerned." "I have Mr. Tompkins on the line for you." "Okay, thank you." "Put him through." " Hi, Lee?" " Hi, Paul." "So, what is it you wanted to say?" "Look, Lee, I'll get straight to the point here." "Um, there is something very serious that I have to tell you." "I know I'm your boss, Lee, but I regard you as a friend." "See, I've been doing something I shouldn't have, Lee." "Something wrong." "Paul, do you thinkthis is the right time?" " I want to do it now, Lee." "The thing is, I like wearing panties." "Women's panties." "Nice, snug, lacy pair of women's panties." "Garters, too, sometimes." "No, my wife doesn't know this, but when she's out, God bless her, I sneak upstairs and put on her underwear and I pretend I'm named Amber." "Okay." "I even wear 'em at work." "Hey, Lee, remember that Health and Safety talk I gave the staff last week?" "Here's what you didn't know:" "I did it wearing knee-highs, a sports bra and a diamond-studded thong." "It felt pretty." "I had to tell somebody, Lee." "I'm going insane!" "Please, for God's sake, Lee, remember what I said last night." "I need to tell you this in confidence." "I'm sorry, Paul." "I thought you said "in conference."" "In lane three, P.J. Adams appears to be in top form." "In lane two, Mitchell Hathaway could be the upset today." "And in lane one, Malcolm Barrett looking absolutely unstoppable." "Excuse me." "Um, do I know you?" "Uh, no, I don't think so." " You look so familiar." "Did you go to Grover Cleveland high?" " No." " Do you live in Irvine?" " No." " Ever go to that coffee shop at Third and Main?" " No." " Well, I definitely recognize you." "Are you friends with the Pattersons?" "No, I'm not." "I am determined to get to the bottom of this, honey." " Um, you work out at Manny's Gym?" " I don't." " I'm sure I know you." " I don't think you do." " What do you do for a living?" " I'm a lap dancer." "I'm thinking of someone else." "Support victims of pickpockets." "Support victims of pickpockets." "Support..." "Thank you." "Support vic..." "I feel the power within me." "Who's next to be healed?" "I put my hand on your arm." "You are healed!" "Go forth." "I put my hand upon your head." "You're healed!" "Go forth!" " What's your problem?" " Hemorrhoids." "Go forth!" "Looks like we got just about enough." "Make sure you get my shoulders." "They burn easily." "That's it, sweetheart." "Rub it in." " Hi." " Good afternoon." "My name's Lee." "Who am I talking to today?" " Kaitlin." "Hi, Kaitlin." "I'm the local sales rep from the Particular Card Company." " Can I show you a sample from our latest range?" " No, thank you." "Great!" "Now, picture the scene:" "It's Christmas Eve and Dave's mom's not well." "Ah, he comes in here-- uh-oh, confusion." "Which is he going to choose, a "Get- well- soon" card or a Christmas card?" "Well, now there's a card for both." ""Sorry to hear you're not feeling well at Christmas," you see?" "Make the cards more specific." ""Happy Easter, and we're sorry to hear that you fell out of a tree."" "Okay, I'm not really interested, but thank you." "Can I read you one of our humorous cards?" " I'd rather you didn't." " Super." ""Sorry to hear about the loss of your loved one, "but have you checked under the stairs?" "dot, dot, dot, seriously, though, sorry she's dead."" "I think I'd like you to leave now." ""They may be removing a kidney due to severe inflammatory disorder on this very special third night of Hanukkah."" ""Congratulations on the completion of your restraining order."" "Yeah." "Uh, I'm really happy with..." ""Just heard you've been injured by a flying sheep."" "A flying sheep?" "Now you're not even making any sense." "Dear..." "Kaitlin..." "How's it going, fellows?" " Yeah, all finished, boss." "Deepest well we ever dug." "What's that light at the bottom?" "Well, we followed the plans." "You're supposed to be building a lighthouse." "Lieutenant, what are you doing?" "Oh, hello, Captain." "Unfortunately, the sonar's broken." "And I didn't want the crew to find out." "So I thought if I cover it up by making this noise... it'd stop the crew from panicking." "You mean, we don't have a sonar?" "That's right, Captain." "For God's sake, man, what if we hit something?" "Unfortunately, the warning system's out, too." "But I've got that covered." "If we hit anything..." "I'm just going to make this noise..." "Idiot, get on to HQ immediately, tell them we need emergency backup." "Right away, Captain." "Mayday." "Mayday." "We have an emergency." "Request assistance." "Over." "Roger." "Roger." "This is HQ." "We'll send backup immediately." " The radio's broken as well, isn't it?" " Yes." "Are you okay, Paul?" "You seem to be struggling." "Yeah, actually, this is incredibly uncomfortable." "I mean, I'm not exactly a giant, so it shouldn't be this painful, right?" "No." "Let's see if we can figure out what's wrong." "Your right foot should be about here, is that right?" "And your left foot is here?" "No." "My left foot is here." "Happy birthday, my little airport security officer." " Oh, you remembered." " How was your day?" " Oh, I thought it would never end." " Oh, well, I got you a present." " Honey, did you pack this gift yourself?" " Yes." "And have you left it unattended for any length of time?" "Just a couple minutes while I was in the kitchen." " Any electronic items?" " No." " Perishables?" " No." " Flammables?" " No, not this year." "Oh, honey... unfortunately, this exceeds the allotted weight for a carry-on item." "Oh." "Well, I do have another little surprise for you, but I'm not telling you where it is." "Oh, excellent." "So you dating anyone?" " Yeah, I've just started seeing someone actually." " Really?" "Yeah." "Hey, I tell you what." "I'll try and guess her name." "Okay." "Okay, I'm allowed ten guesses, and what I'll do is I'll say a name and you tell me whether I'm warm or cold, depending how close I am alphabetically, okay?" "Then I'll say another name, and you tell me whether I'm warmer or colder in relation to the previous name." "So, for example, if I guess "Michelle" and her name begins with a "P,"" "then you tell me I'm warm." "Then if my next guess, if I guess "Zoey,"" "then you tell me I'm colder because obviously, "M" is closer to "P" than "Z" is." "Okay." "All right." "Here's my first guess." "Laura." "Yeah, her name's Laura." "As you can see, this is a more traditional bikini, the classic '50s style making a big comeback all over the world." "Ah." "Number seven, the ripple bikini, so-called because of the rippled seams along the straps." "Very functional, yet also very attractive." "Uh-oh." "How'd that one get in there?" "Oh, getting back to work..." "Yes, this style." " Will you marry me?" " What?" "Will you marry me?" "What?" "Will you marry me?" "Oh, will I marry you?" "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you." "No!" "Give me the cereal, honey." "We're not gonna get that." "Jackson, give me that cereal, please." "If you don't hand me the cereal by the time I count to three," "I'm going to take away one of your privileges." "Do you understand?" "One." "Two." "Three." "Okay, you lose a mommy." "There she is." "She's in our sights." "Locking on target." "Arm torpedoes." "Prepare to fire." "And..." "Oh, shoot." "Who's got a quarter?" "Who's got a quarter?" " Thanks, darling." "You're welcome." "Oh, excuse me." "Can I have a quickie?" "It's pronounced "keesh."" " Good night, sweetheart." "Night-night, little guy." " See you in the morning." " We love you." "Honey, don't you think it's about time we told Simon he's adopted?" "He's not, though." "Yeah, I know, but think of his little face." "It will be hilarious." "Well, now, some people prefer to replace the original stone with a birthstone and make it a little bit more personal." "Would you like to try that?" " Oh, that's a good idea." " Okay, we'll do that." "Okay, great." "Uh... what is your birthstone?" "Come on, you should know that." "I just told you last week." "Well, let me help you out." "When's her birthday?" "Okay, it doesn't have to be the exact date." "Just give me the month." " Perhaps you'd like to get a necklace instead." " That's a good idea, we'll do that." "Yeah, whatever." "Oh, well, uh, We could engrave it and make it a little bit more personal." "Okay." "Yeah?" "Okay." "Uh..." "What's the name?" "In lane three from the Czech Republic, Vladimir Peralski." "In lane two, from Honduras, Pedro Cubaso." "And in lane one, from the United States," "Malcolm Barrett, still basking in the glow of his multiple Olympic wins." "All right, everybody, lots of energy please." "We're rolling." "And..." "Action." "I can still remember your face." "I thought you were going to faint." " Look at us now." " I know." "Where does the time go?" "A beautiful house in the country." "Three beautiful children." "Background noise, background noise." "Background noise." " Background noise." " I've been thinking." " Background noise." " Maybe it's time we..." "Background noise." "Background noise." "Background noise." "...move to something bigger, you know." "You know how I feel about this." "Cut!" " Hi." "Can you please not do that?" " You said to make background noise." "Yeah, but don't actually say, "Background noise, background noise,"" " like that, all right?" " All right." " Just talk normally." " Sorry." "All right." "Still rolling, everybody." "And..." "Action." "It seems like only yesterday." "I know." "Where does the time go?" "But look at us now." " A beautiful house in the country." " Three beautiful children..." "There's this lunatic on the subway and he started stabbing people." "Cut!" "Listen, you're just an extra." "Do you understand?" "Like background scenery." " All right?" " Right." "So keep it low." "Oh, like this" " There's this lunatic on the subway and he'sjust stabbing people!" "That's still too loud." "There was this lunatic on the subway and he started stabbing people." "That's a little better, but can you leave out the lunatic- stabbing-people business?" " I'm just trying to add a bit of interest." " Okay, well, you're not supposed" " to be interesting." "You're just background." " Right." "Well, what should I say?" " Anything." " Right." " I can't think of anything." "Oh, will you..." "Take that, and just read..." " to your wife here." "Okay?" " Oh, hello." "And just be quiet." "Okay, great." "I am really sorry, you guys." "One more time." "You're doing great." "Keep it rolling." "And... action." " It seems like only yesterday." " I know." "Where does the time go?" "But look at us now." "A beautiful house in the country." "A beautiful house in the country." " Three beautiful children." " Three beautiful children." " You know, I've been thinking." "You know, I've been thinking." " Maybe it's time..." " Cut!" "Get off the set, and when you come back, just sit there and don't say anything." "Okay?" "Okay Sorry." " That's all right." "Okay." "Do you want me to...?" "No." " Get off." "I will." "Bye." "Sorry." "Still rolling!" "Action." " It seems like only yesterday." "I know." "Where does the time go?" "But look at us now." " A beautiful house in the country." " Three beautiful..." "Cut!" "Sorry." "Well, hello, everyone, and welcome to the Imaginary Friends Support Group." "As I'm sure, all three of you are aware..." "Uh!" "Six." "Sorry." "As I'm sure all six of you are aware, this group is designed to help you overcome your psychological..." " Excuse me." "I'm sorry." "I think I'm in the wrong room." "I wanted Alcoholics Anonymous." "Oh." "Well, that's not here, but if you just run next door," " I'm sure they'll be able to help you." "Oh, no, its not me that's the alcoholic." "It's Gordon." "Uh-huh." "Well, why don't you and Gordon hang out for a few minutes?" "Let's get started, shall we?" "Hello, I'm Mary Lynn, and this is my boyfriend Tony." "Now, how long have you had your imaginary boyfriend?" "We met each other right after my real boyfriend dumped me." "I think I know the cause of that one." "Oh, Tony, go like this for a second" " Nyh-nyh-nyh." "This is Francisco, he's my secret Latin lover." "Tony doesn't know about him, so just shh!" "Okay." "No problem." "Hi, there." "You are?" "Oh, hi." "We're Lawrence and Paul and I am Lawrence's imaginary friend." "Really?" "Yeah." "He invented me during a lonely childhood and I've just been around ever since." "Well, that's certainly an unusual case." "Do you mind me asking, what do you think caused these delusions?" "Well, answer the lady;" "she's trying to help you." "Uh, no." "I'm sorry, Paul, I was actually talking..." "Uh, excuse me." "Paul, could you tell your friend to stop flirting with me?" "It's obvious I'm taken." "It's okay, guys, don't beat him up." "Okay, let's just try and focus, shall we?" "What the hell is this, Gordon?" "!" "This is your making and effort, is it?" "Is anyone driving?" "I insist on driving." "All right, I'm beginning... to think that maybe you should be next door after all." "It's not finished." "It's not actually me who's the drinker, but if it stops him having it, it's worth it." "What was that?" "The bar?" "Yes, let's go to the bar, but I'm coming with you to keep me eye on you." "Do you fancy a drink, mate?" "Oh, don't look at me" " I don't exist." "Oh, yeah." "What about you?" "Me?" "You're asking me out in front of my boyfriend and my secret Latin lover?" "Are you crazy?" "They're gonna kick your ass." "Okay, you know what?" "Let's just calm down, everybody." "The important thing to remember here is that our imaginary friends are really just figments of our own mind." "Excuse me, have you finished with this room yet?" "We're almost done." "Just give us a second." "So... keep in mind that you are absolutely not crazy." "What you are is very creative." "Honey..." " we're having a baby." " What?" " We're having a baby." " What?" "!" "We're having a baby." "Oh, we're having a baby." "I couldn't hear you." "All right." "Well, good luck." "Honey." "Honey, wake up." "Wake up." "Are you okay?" "You were having a nightmare." "Yes." "I'm all right." "I just..." "I dreamt that Frasier was over..." "I was in this sketch show." " Oh, silly, go back to sleep." "Okay." " 'Night." " 'Night."