"MAN:" "Come on!" "Come on!" "Guys, what has happened to this dream factory?" "When I first started coming up with friendly phrases that put a positive spin on what some organisation is self-evidently doing, people said that that was totally unnecessary and no way for an honourable man to earn a living." "Then I landed the Thames Severn Water contract and came up with, "Bringing water to people who need it."" ""Stick that in fake handwriting on all the vans," I said," ""and that will, in some way, be good."" "But, guys, I'm afraid we're getting tired." "Tim, have you come up with anything for that fleet of delivery vans?" "All right." "It's, "When there's a thing in a place," ""but the people whose thing it is need it in another place," ""then wouldn't it be good if there was some kind of system..."" "Too long!" "Much too long!" "Brian, what about the one for the Dulux Paint vans?" ""Making paint for obvious reasons."" "No, you can't say it's obvious!" "That's death." "It's ALL obvious." "Julie, Department of Health?" "Er, "Working with you to stop you dying. (Sometimes.)"" "Department of Education?" ""Hopefully ensuring you can read this."" "Ooh!" "In fact, I've come up with one that would work for all Government departments." ""Being the governmental department named above."" "That's a disaster!" "You can't give them a multi-purpose one." "But it'll be a big saving in terms of..." "What?" "Money they give to us?" "What we're selling to them is the idea that people can no longer cope with things being simply labelled, but need some kind of handholding, accompanying phrase." "Now, I'm a certain sort of evil." "Not death camp evil, not serial killer evil, but I take a perverse pleasure in having been paid through the nose for nothing of any value." "That is my dream and I'm not gonna let it die." "We're all completely behind you on that one." "Oh, yeah!" "I mean, I actually used to be a serial killer, but then I realised that this sort of evil reaches so many more people." "That was what I realised the last time I left a kitten on the dual carriageway." "That's a moment." "Maybe our problem is that we're the victims of our own success." "That would be gratifying, but at the same time a pisser." "What I meant was, the pointless accompanying phrase with which we advertise our own services might be letting us down." "Remind me what it is." "Erm, we're currently using two." "Erm, on the business cards, we've got, "Writing what people are doing on things,"" "and on the notepaper we've got," ""Writing what people are doing on the thing" ""that they're doing it in, beside or with."" "Do you see what I mean?" "It's bland and it doesn't reflect our malevolent purpose." "You're right!" "So what were you thinking?" "How about, "Sweetening your bullshit" ""and spraying it into the faces of your potential critics"?" "I love it!" "It reflects the conflict at the heart of everything." "Government departments hate the people, companies hate their stupid customers and I hate everyone in this room!" "ALL:" "Yay!" "Ow!" "My stomach!" "Do you suffer from gut agony?" "And my head!" "Tension head?" "You've got that bloated feeling?" "Ooh!" "Inevitable wrinkles?" "The beginnings of lady moustache?" "And now you've pissed yourself again?" "Women - you're leaking, ageing, hairy, overweight and everything hurts." "And your children's clothes are filthy!" "No wonder men long for other, less-clammy women." "For God's sake, sort yourself out." "Now I'm free to live my own life, my way." "Men, shave and get drunk." "Because you're already brilliant." "ELECTRICITY SPARKING" "It works!" "It works!" "Professor!" "You should not be here." "This is private property." "Mr President, I'm so sorry." "Ah, good evening, Professor." "This is Major Agnew." "Major Agnew, Professor..." "Mr President, this is indeed an honour." "I had no idea." "Well, our country's been pouring a lot of money into this secret research of yours." "I thought we should find out what we've been paying for." "Indeed!" "It so happens you are here just in time, Mr President, Major Agnew." "I do not think you will be disappointed." "Behold, then, the Giant Death Ray." "WHIRRING" "Well, I'll be..." "Professor, is that a laser?" "Yes, Major Agnew." "The Giant Death Ray is indeed a laser." "And now perhaps you'll be so good as to place this simple tin of peaches into the path of my laser's beam." "What?" "Do it, Major." "Please." "BEEP" "Gentlemen, the price of those peaches has just been ascertained electronically and is stored in the information banks of my Giant Death Ray." "I thank you." "Any questions?" "Well, one question that obviously leaps to mind, Professor..." "Er, Professor..." "Death." "..Professor Death, is why on earth you are likely to name this contraption of yours the Giant Death...?" "Oh, I see." "Professor Death?" "Mr President?" "I have a question." "This laser of yours..." "Death ray, yes." "If you were to increase the intensity of its beam..." "Intensity, yes could your death ray not also be used to..." "Perform delicate eye surgery?" "Yes." "No." "What I'm asking, Professor, is might this death ray of yours not also have some..." "Well, some military application?" "The Giant Death Ray, a military application?" "Yes." "Oh, yes, of course, a military application." "Yes." "Why, I'll just go and check." "No!" "Professor Death!" "Professor, you're destroying it!" "Forgive me, Mr President, but I am a man of science, not of war." "I intended the Giant Death Ray to be used for good, not evil." "OK." "To help mankind, not to destroy it." "Please, Professor, stop!" "I understand!" "Please, Professor Death." "Thank you." "OK, so..." "What else can you show us?" "To be used for good?" "Absolutely." "None of that evil use?" "Good uses, yes?" "Very well." "It was my intention to help mankind further, Mr President, Major Agnew, by affixing the Giant Death Ray to this." "The Armoured Scorpion of Death!" "Behold!" "Why, by all that's..." "Placed behind the counter of any local convenience store, the Armoured Scorpion of Death's claws not merely aids the stacking of high shelves, but also easily facilitates the movement of household goods through shoulder-mounted beams maintained by its triangular red eyes." "And the sting?" "Fires helpful bullets." "GUNFIRE" "Major..." "Well, of course, Mr President, the military applications of such a device..." "No-o-o-o-o!" "Professor!" "Forgive me, Mr President!" "I created the laser-fitted Armoured Scorpion of Death to help mankind, not to destroy." "What's this Unlimited Power Bomb?" "Ah, now that..." "No!" "I'm onto you, Major Agnew." "Yeah, I got your number!" "This bomb was created to help mankind not destroy." "And this, Mind-Controlling Death Ants?" "No!" "The Mind-Controlling Death Ants were created to help mankind, not destroy it." "Doom Melon?" "No!" "The Doom Melon still needs some work." "That was just another post-event power surge." "Remain calm and do not touch the walls." "You're watching the British Emergency Broadcasting System." "The estimated season is the dark season." "Now the surge has subsided, let's return to The Quiz Broadcast." "APPLAUSE" "So, on with the show!" "Round two is the questions round." "Question one." "Books say that the human body is 92% water." "What was water?" "BUZZER Was it an animal?" "Could be." "BUZZER Erm, was it a country?" "Equally plausible." "One point each there." "Question two." "Books mention hope." "What was hope?" "BUZZER Was it a country?" "Possibly." "BELL" "Was it a spice?" "What's a spice?" "I think it's an animal?" "Fair enough." "One point each." "I always feel after that round, I really wish I'd listened more before the event." "Don't you, Peter?" "Yes, I wish I'd listened to how you grow food." "That would have been handy." "Sheila, any pre-event knowledge you wish you'd absorbed?" "Well, I think if I'd taken in more survival tips for children, that would have been helpful." "Oh, yes." "Post-event, the world would have been a different place if we'd managed to keep even some of the children alive." "Moving on, please remain indoors." "Round three is our film round." "As usual, I'm going to show you the only surviving piece of pre-event footage, and the question, as always, is what happened next?" "So, anyone?" "What...?" "What happened next?" "Uuuhhh!" "Uhhhh..." "Oh!" "Oh, that's progress!" "Yes, Unknown Male 282, what happened next?" "Ah, well, he's probably just going over and over the event in his head." "This might be a good time to remind our viewers, if there are any, please don't think about the event and, of course, remain indoors." "It's coming out in clumps." "So, the film." "Anyone, what happened next?" "No-one?" "Well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that, because the answer, we think, was the event." "OK, round four - sudden death." "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" "Oh..." "Oh, bad luck, Unknown Male 282, but have you had fun on the show?" "Have you had fun?" "Oh, well." "I think he can go outside now." "OK, so running order for the show, I was thinking, hit, miss, hit, hit, miss, miss, hit, miss, hit, miss, hit, miss, miss, miss," "hit, hit, miss, hit, miss." "What do you think?" "Are we definitely going for the whole hit-and-miss thing?" "It's a sketch show, it's gotta be hit and miss." "That's what people expect." "It's just... it is quite time-consuming, writing and filming all the misses." "It almost feels, you know, a bit pointless." "Well, it's the other writers I feel sorry for, the ones who have to, you know..." "Write the hits." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Well, tough." "They should get their own show." "But, I mean, still we've done two hit-and-miss series now." "Can't we go for something different?" "Look, if we didn't perversely include about 50% deliberately unamusing material, then people would have to think of something else to say." "What?" "Like we're too self-referential?" "Ah!" "Clever." "And people call us smug!" "Make yourself comfortable, the wine's in the fridge." "Ah..." "Oh, just relax!" "It's only a date." "'Whenever I get nervous on a date,'" "I just try and think to myself, what would Cary Grant do in this situation?" "Yeah, but I don't really have any heroes like that." "Mm." "You quite like that Gary Rhodes book I bought you." "Yeah, he's all right." "Who are you?" "Gary Rhodes." "Are you?" "Yes, I'm Gary Rhodes." "Is that what Gary Rhodes looks like?" "No, but this is the best version of me that your imagination could piece together." "As far as you're concerned, I'm Gary Rhodes, and that's all you need to know." "All right." "Well, erm..." "As you're here, have you got any advice, Gary Rhodes, about the date?" "I'm really more of a cooking man." "What sort of thing does she like?" "Well, I don't really know what HE likes." "He?" "Yeah, he's just through there." "Nng." "Oh." "What?" "What?" "!" "Nothing." "I'm fine with it." "I've just never cooked for a..." "Well, for one of you before." "Sorry?" "Are you having a problem with me being gay?" "No!" "Shut up." "Is Gary Rhodes homophobic?" "No, I'm not." "But you obviously think I am." "You've also given me this." "I think we both know what you've done there." "So, what would you do in this situation?" "I haven't been on a date in three years and I think this guy's great." "Ew!" "I don't think you are Gary Rhodes." "I am!" "I'm Gary Rhodes for you." "So, let's say Gary Rhodes, the real Gary Rhodes, is driving past and his car breaks down and his mobile's out of battery, so he knocks on the door and asks to use the phone," "what would happen to you?" "I'd probably start to look a lot more like the real Gary Rhodes, because you'd see what he actually looks like and you wouldn't have to make up the bits you can't remember out of your family and friends, but, you know..." "Well, erm..." "Shall we go through?" "I'll be with you every step of the way." "That was delicious." "You're welcome." "(Thank you, Gary.)" "It's Mr Rhodes." "And thank you so much for the wonderful gifts." "Thanks, Andy McNab." "Bravo Two Zero." "CHILDREN:" "Posh Jaws!" "MUSIC:" "Theme from "Jaws"" "Quint, would you do something about that shark?" "There's a good chap." "Righto, sir." "This is their third job this month." "The gunman's 5' 10", average build." "His mate's 18 to 24 inches tall, bright red hair, usually wears a dinner jacket." "They always work together, but we think the little guy is running the show." "Now, the profile team tells us the next likely target is the jeweller's on Mill Street." "Top brass want a result." "So that's where we're camping out all week." "Excuse me, do you have a watch battery replacement service?" "Er, no." "Try Hasely and Sons on the high street." "Oh!" "Oh, come on, Montague!" "Don't be like that. .." "Thanks." "GUNSHOT" "Everybody glay down on the gound!" "Do as he says!" "What did he say?" "Get on the ground." "Put the jewellery in the gag." "Sorry?" "The jewellery, the jewellery." "Are you saying "jewellery"?" "Yes!" "Put it in the gag." "In the gag, the gag." "He says, "Bag, bag!"" "Do it, gitch." "Armed police, stay where you are!" "Don't come any closer." "Stay back!" "He'll do it." "OK..." "Easy." "Go on, Steve, shave yourself!" "Shave myself?" "Just go." "Come on!" "Give me a name!" "Anything?" "Five hours and not a word." "Tough bastard." "CHILDREN:" "Posh Jaws!" "CHILD:" "Two!" "MUSIC:" "Theme from "Jaws"" "Oh, Lord, there's another one." "Well, ladies and gentlemen, as we all know, the city was in considerable peril from Professor Nucleon's exploding water until we were all saved by our superhero friend, or as he likes to be known..." "..Captain Todger." "You're fucking welcome." "Right, er, OK, so, there we are!" "That concludes the press conference." "Can't we ask Captain Todger some questions?" "No, no." "I'm afraid Captain Todger is far too busy." "Gladly." "What can I do you for, my darling?" "I'd just like to ask the Captain what was going through his mind when he stopped the meteorite hitting the cathedral?" "You mean, apart from knobbing?" "Yeah, I mean apart from...knobbing." "More knobbing!" "Ba-boom!" "No, but to be fair, knobbing is going through my mind all of the time." "Especially when I'm talking to you, sweetheart, and admiring your not inconsiderable set of boobies, which are classic." "Oh, for God's sake!" "What?" "!" "I'm just complimenting the lady." "I'm not sexist." "I went on that course, like you said, which was tough going, cos the bloke running it was clearly a poof." "(Shut up!" ") Sorry, poofter!" "But to answer your question, my love, what you doing later?" "Ba-boom!" "An-yong, Hennimore." "I'm sorry, sir?" "An-yong!" "Korean for "hello"." "I'm getting into the spirit of it, you see, ready for tonight's banquet." "If we can make a good impression on this Korean delegation, the future of Prattleford Glue will be secure for decades." "And how better to impress them than with an authentic Korean banquet?" "Good plan, sir." "And what do Koreans eat, Hennimore?" "Dog, sir?" "It is apparently dog, and I see no reason to check." "Now, when the authentic Korean chefs, none of whom speak a word of English, arrive at four, I shall be in a meeting, so I want you to show them into room 1, where the banquet is to be prepared." "OK, sir." "On an unrelated note, my wife and the other members of the Pennesby Dog Club, none of whom speak a word of Korean, will be here from about half three, having a little celebration, following their success at Crufts." "My wife is particularly proud of her prize-winning lap dog, which, for reasons best known to herself, she has named after you." "I feel honoured, sir." "So I said they can hold that in room I." "Oh, look at that!" "They've got the labels the wrong way round." "So, there'll be about 34 dogs in there, all under their Crufts victory cloches, which will be nice." "Sounds lovely, sir." "And I fail to see how even you, Hennimore, can screw up two such simple events." "You can rely on me, sir." "BARKING" "Oh, my poor Fifi!" "Fifi, no!" "My Fifi!" "They don't seem to have arrived yet." "Oh..." "BARKING" "Hennimore!" "CHILDREN:" "Polite Taxi Driver!" "SIRENS" "I'm so sorry." "Are you talking to me?" "I thought you were talking to me." "Are you talking to me?" "Now before we re-join the thrilling quarterfinal between Joe Swail and Nigel Bond, we've just got time to see again that fascinating retrospective about the playing careers of our veteran commentary team," "Ted Wilkes and Peter DeCourcy." "It's been me life." "I've been obsessed with it me whole life." "That and snooker." "So, yeah." "That and the snooker." "Was it Shakespeare who first said, "What is snooker?"?" "Was it not?" "Well, it's in me blood, plain and simple." "But it can be treated with tablets." "So, back to the snooker." "I think it was the world final that the fans wanted to see, me and Ted at the Crucible, 1975." "We'd just broken into the top 16." "Well, it was the top 14 then, cos there were only 14 professional players." "It was a funny year, the 1975 world championships." "We'd just broken into the top 14, but then, obviously, there was that tragic coach crash on the M56, which took out the top 12." "MAN:" "So, what are your memories of the '75 final?" "Well, it was just like a blur." "Is it my go?" "It was the longest final in Crucible history, which is particularly impressive, because in those days, it was just the best of three." "Yeah, we started on the Friday and the first ball didn't go down till..." "Saturday lunchtime." "Foul." "Ted Wilkes - 4." "Well, it's not easy to play at your best when you're under that kind of pressure." "'But, fortunately, we did.'" "Foul." "Peter DeCourcy - 4." "Well, Peter was always the athlete." "The man keeps in shape." "Like many a gay." "And, of course, there was the CPR moment." "Well, a lot is made of this, but it wasn't unusual in those days for a player to need a little bit of CPR during a match." "HE GRUNTS" "I think I'm OK." "Ooh..." "'Has there been a change in the snooker culture?" ".." "Yes." "'Do the players drink less now?" ".." "Yes.'" "Do they manage to hit the ball more often?" ".." "Certainly, yes." "Is this a good thing?" ".." "Who knows?" "Psst!" "Aim for the finger!" "Aim for the finger." "Which one?" "This one." "There's two." "Oh, in-between them, then." "In the end, of course, famously, we shared the title that year, after industrial action cut the match short after only two weeks." "For me, that was the moment when I thought," ""Thatcher, bring it on!"" "And I've never paid tax since." "Joke." "Cut that out." "CHILDREN:" "Rude Gandhi!" "..Which means, Mr Gandhi, that Partition is the only workable solution." "You can shove that up your arse, you shit." "HE FARTS" "Johnson, have you sent for Monsieur Voirot, the brilliant detective?" "Yes, Captain, he should be here directly." "Excellent." "Quite a piece of luck his being a passenger." "Ah, Capitaine!" "I hear we have had..." "How shall we say?" "..a little accident on board ze ship." "Hello again, monsieur." "Yes, remember that stowaway I was telling you about at dinner last night?" "Well, I arrived in my cabin and found him...dead." "And as far as you know, he had no friends or ENEMIES on board ze ship?" "None at all." "It is indeed a mystery." "And I've no idea how the murderer got a piano in here." "It is quite..." "How you say?" "..a conundrum." "Ah, right!" "Hello!" "Excuse me!" "What the hell is going on here?" "It's the Poirot-y sketch." "The Poirot-y sketch?" "Yeah, that's what we're doing this morning." "What's the problem?" "I'll tell you what the problem is!" "You're playing both parts." "So?" "So, we're a double act, there are two of us." "How come you're playing the captain and the detective?" "Well, I just thought, you know, that these sort of characters are something I'm better at." "It just, sort of, felt..." "(AS VOIROT) ..right up my street." "That's excellent." "I should be playing one of these!" "You can't do both!" "There are plenty of other parts, Robert." "You could play Nikolai, if you want." "Oh, cheers(!" ")" "I don't want to be Nikolai!" "I want to do one of these!" "Well, it just so happens that captains and detectives are my thing." "I play very high status and..." "Oh, I don't believe this!" "Egotistical, narcissistic!" "It's like you're using the show to act out some sick fantasy." "(MALE VOICE) Are you ready to rehearse the sex scene again?" "Yeah, just a minute, love." "What?" "!" "This is completely justified!" "I am much sexier than you." "Huh!" "Thanks very much."