" Valco!" " Serves you right!" " Quite nervous." " You won't beat our prices." " Stop that." " If you get it cheaper," " I'll come round and cook it." " We have 17 varieties of papadom." "Offers on everything from booze to biscuits." " Loads of 2-for-1s." " Service with a smile." " Fresh produce..." " ..delivered daily." " The Valco tick." " That way." " Valco!" " I wasn't ready." "Valco." "Serves you right!" "(all) Valco." "Serves you right!" " Kieran?" " I'm late, sorry." " What's the scarf for?" "It's boiling." " Can't hear you." "It's a pity these haven't taken off." "People don't like being told what to eat." "That's why so many of them are fat." "It'd be nice to have had a success story for the new area manager." "Don't worry, he's a pussycat." "I should know." "Did I mention that Craig's a close personal friend?" " Quite a few times, actually." " Yeah, we go way back." "One, two, three, four, five a day in a bag." "It's a super idea." "You just have to face it, Warrington just isn't ready for five a day." "The sooner everyone accepts that, the sooner we can move on." "We're not Milan yet." "Well, well, well, if it isn't Late Middleton." " Somebody tidied up back here?" " Yeah, Eva Braun's orders." "We've got a new area manager coming in." "She made me tidy up my display." "I don't like it too neat." "People don't want to feel they're buying their meat off Rain Man." " Good weekend?" " Not bad." " You?" " Yeah." "Spend most of it gluing pubes to your chops?" " I'm growing a beard." " Tell that to the rest of your face." "It grows a bit quicker on my top lip." "The rest will catch up." "Alright, alright." "Whatever you say." " Growing a beard, Kieran?" " He's a bit sensitive about it." "I'm not sensitive!" " I'm not sensitive." " I do like a nice beard." "Oh!" "Not yours, though." "Don't." "Wow." "I didn't know Cheryl Cole worked at Valco." "I didn't know David Dickinson shopped here." "Nice tan!" "Good one, kid." "I'm not shopping here." "I'm Craig Falcon." "You might have heard of me." " Area Manager." " Oh, God." " I'm so sorry." "I didn't..." " Whoa." "Don't worry, baby-doll." "Just because I'm management doesn't mean I can't take a joke." "What're you listening to?" " What?" " Music, tunes, tracks." "What beats are you listenin' to?" "Do you want to stop bothering my staff, Casanova?" "(laughs) Bugger me!" "Welcome to Warrington, Mr Falcon." "Nice to meet you outside of an email." " (giggles)" " You... must be Gavin, eh?" "I've got the 5-in-a-bag results in my office so we should go..." "We'll go through them later." "So, Deputy Manager, eh?" "Did you have to shag him to get the gig?" " I can assure you..." " Give over, you big wally." "Covering Leanne Baxter's maternity." "Always knew she had it in her to climb the ladder even back in St Helen's." "Shut up." "You'll make me blush." "Julie used to be your assistant!" "What a turn out for the books." "Yeah." "So, interim deputy manager, are you going to give me a little tour of your store?" "Go on then." "I can't leave you wandering around on your own." "God knows what might happen." " Shall we start at the meat counter?" " Don't worry about it, G-man." "We'll be fine." "Come on, you!" " Gavin?" " Yes, Katie." "Is that the new area manager?" "Yes, that's Craig "The Falcon", erm, Falcon." "He creeps me out." "He's not at all how he comes across in the newsletters." "Going somewhere nice?" "Me and my Alan are looking at booking a holiday." "15 years we have been going to the same caravan park in Anglesey." " Not again." "Not after last summer." " What happened last summer?" "The on-site entertainment wasn't my idea of entertaining." "They never are." "Normally they have this wonderful duet, Lipstick and Lace." "Last year they replaced them with this awful blue magician." " He were a right mucky beggar." " What did he do?" "Lots of tricks with his you-know-what." "My mate does the elephant when he's had a few." "Pockets inside out, open your flies..." "Andy stop it." "You're making me sick." "(Lisa) I know." "Yeah, same old, same old." "It's a load of old shit, really." "Anyway." "I've got to go." "I'll ring you later when I get back." "Alright, I'll see you later then." "See you later, bye." "Bye, bye, bye, bye." "About bloody time." "3:49." "Thanks, love." "Alright." "Nah." "They're all propaganda, these, anyway." " Where do you book your holidays?" " Ceefax." "What's Ceefax?" " You never heard of Ceefax?" " No." "What are you, five?" "Are you seriously telling me you've never heard of Ceefax?" " Yes." " Unbelievable." "Gentlemen, this is Craig Falcon." "New area manager." "And a close personal friend of mine." " Alright, chief?" " Yeah, Craig and I go way back." " Where's Margaret?" " Oh, she's on a break." "This deli looks like a bomb's hit it." "You've a good meat counter here." "One of the best I've seen." "Thanks." "That, er, means a lot." "You'll appreciate this, Andy." "Last week, Stockport branch, I went in to check out the meat counter." "You won't believe what the butcher has next to braising steak." "Er, Stockport, God alone knows." " Fillets." " Oh!" "In with the braising?" "Fillets!" "And you think you've heard it all." "Hope you marched him out there and then." "I've a mind to show him how a real butcher does it." "Oh, that's, er..." "I don't want to sound, er..." "I mean..." "Do you want to come for a drink with me?" "Wow." "Yeah!" "Come on, Jules." "Let's look at some fresh fish." "And tell Margaret to sort this out." "I've seen nicer-looking peppers in a skip." "I'm not sure but I think you just asked him out on a date and he said no." "Shut up." "I just asked him if he fancied a beer." "Anyway, he said yes." " Er, he just walked off." " He said yes." "Oi!" "You've not come to my till once today." "You know how bored I've been?" "It's not acceptable, Kieran." "Sorry." "I've been busy." "You've got something on your..." "Let's have a look." "What...?" "(laughs)" " What is that?" " I'm growing a beard." "It's supposed to grow on your chin and your face." "Don't start." "I've had Andy on at me all morning." "You can't come to work like that and expect me not to take the piss." "It's growing in clumps." "You've got alopecia of the face!" "It just grows quicker on my top lip." "The rest will catch up." "Ooh!" "Seriously, you need to shave that off." "I can't." "It's Emma's idea." "She reckons it's dead Kings of Leon." " They don't have beards any more." " That's what I said." "You've given it a go." "It looks shite." "Shave it off." "She'll be well annoyed." "I think you need to grow a pair of balls." "Cheer up, Magnum, might never happen." " A bit like your beard." " (they laugh)" "Ha ha ha ha!" "Oh, it just got funnier!" " Hiya." " Hiya." "Oh, going abroad, are you, Margaret?" " We're thinking about it." " Eh, you want to go to Magaluf." "It sounds very exotic." "Everyone's from Britain." "That's the beauty of it." "And you can sunbathe topless." "I had the boys out for two weeks solid." "I didn't know you had children." "No, the boys." "Had to put factor 50 on me nips, mind." "Didn't want them burning up and dropping off." " No, I suppose not." " Right." ""Venus creates a harmonious mood at work."" ""Today is a great day to open up and speak your mind."" ""Constructive criticism could lead to stronger friendship."" " What does that mean?" " You know exactly what it means." "Don't take this wrong, but your roots need doing." "Your hair looks shit lately." "(singsong) Supervisor to produce aisle." "Supervisor to produce aisle." "Don't look at me like that." "The paper said it, not me!" "Sorry, Gavin." "Balls on the table." "You run a good store here." "I can see why head office holds you in high regard." "Thank you, I'm just doing my job." "Margaret?" "We could be talking about really important managerial issues." " Should you be sitting here?" " Sorry..." "Come on, she's alright, aren't you?" "Margaret's part of our Getting Seniors Back to Work scheme." "I didn't realise you let 20-year-olds on that." " Does your mum know you work here?" " Give over." "I'm serious!" "She's dead." "You alright?" " Oh, don't be like this." " I'm fine." "You're being petty." "Shit roots and petty." "Nice." "Anything else to add?" "You booking a holiday there, Margaret?" "I'm trying, Gavin, but it's so hard to choose." "Barbara and I used to go to Ireland, um, every year." "We did a motorbike tour of the entire island of Ireland." "Nothing like seeing the country from a sidecar." "I'm surprised you didn't see Julie running around." "How do you mean?" "You know Julie." "Ireland." "The whole..." "No-one wants to know about my holidays." "I think you'd better be getting back." "Can't spend the whole day yakking in here." "Come on." "What's he like, eh?" "Natter, natter, natter." "Come on." "Riverdance is Irish, isn't it?" " Yes, Margaret." " We'll not be going there then." "How can you relax with all that hullabaloo?" "I'm sorry." "I didn't mean to speak out of turn." "It's just nobody here knows about the whole Ireland thing." "I'd rather it stayed that way." "Of course." "No worries." "Actually while you're here I was hoping to have a word in your shell-like." " Go on, I'm all ears." " Mate at head office rang me last week." "Apparently I'm being investigated over me expenses." " They go over every detail." " Political correctness gone mental." "Exactly." "Remember you used to set up weekly meetings with Mark Michaels?" "From the Wigan branch." "Yes!" "Wigan Wednesdays!" "Yes." "They can't find any record of him." "Some glitch apparently." "I got all these expenses for a bloke they think don't exist." "Typical." "That's why I don't trust computers." "I downloaded an album once." "Still can't find it on there." " Do you know where the cat litter is?" " Yes, sir." "Excuse me, have you got this one in the organic?" " No, sorry." " It's not in the stockroom?" "No." "It's, er, it's on order." "Never mind." " Thanks anyway." " That's alright." " Are we out of stock?" " I don't know, mate." " Shall we go and check in the back?" " We could do." "I'm sure I've seen them somewhere." "I think to the left." "(chuckles)" "Anyway, I get a bit worried, because he's moved abroad, but then..." "I realise I'm in the same place as the woman who can put them right." " Me?" " Yeah!" "You set up the meetings" " so you can set them straight." " I get you." "But I don't think I ever actually met Mark Michaels." "Or spoke to him." "I'm a bit old for imaginary friends, Jules." "I know that." "Sorry, what exactly are you asking me to do?" " Just tell head office." " That I haven't met him?" "No, that you have." " But I haven't." "Have I?" " No!" "But they don't know that." " You'll get the buggers off my back." " I can't lie to head office." "I'll be out on my ear." "I'll be lucky to end up at Lidl after that." " You'll be alright!" " I can't do it." "Sorry, I just can't!" "Shh!" "Calm down." "Calm down." "I'm sorry." " It was wrong of me to ask." " It's just the thought of Lidl." "You know..." "I couldn't do it." "That's 61 p change." "Cheers." " Where have you been with that?" " For a shit." " Ugh!" " What?" " Nothing." " I was reading it, not wiping my arse." "Disgusting." "(Kieran) What about somewhere in Europe?" "You could have a city break." " Somewhere like Barcelona." " A city break?" "On holiday?" "Oh, your generation." "I'd love to go to Barcelona, see the Nu Camp." "Fat chance." "Like Emma would let you go to a football stadium on a holiday." " She doesn't wear the trousers." " She won't let you shave that mess off!" " Did you...?" " Sorry, it slipped out." "I thought I was working alongside a man." "A man with backbone and spunk." "Sounds like our burgers." "I like to put a little of myself into my burgers." "Don't be disgusting." " Too far, mate." " At least I've got a spine." "I promised Emma I'd give it a go." "Relationships are about give and take." "You'd know that if you'd ever had one." "There's no woman out there I'd hand over my face to." "She could have ten tits and a speedboat, it wouldn't matter." "Yes, my love?" " What would you do with ten tits?" " And a speedboat." " You idiot." " (laughs)" "I hope this doesn't spell the end of the health push." "The smoothie figures aren't lighting up the sky either." "Sometimes people don't want what's best for them." "Look at Jamie Oliver." "He tries, but all he gets his grief off dinner ladies." " Is that the last of it?" " Yes, that's it." "I'll chuck in the Beamer." "I've got to say, I'm very impressed today with both of you." "It's a far cry from the Warrington branch of the '90s." "Oh, what a shithole that was." " Thank you." " What a lovely thing to say." "You've really straightened out our Julie." "Especially after that Ireland saga." " Craig!" " Ireland saga?" "Ooh!" "I've said too much." "Sorry, I forgot you didn't want anyone to know." "Don't worry, she's fine now." "Touch wood." " It's a good book that." " Really?" "Mm." "It turns out it's the first victim's husband who's the killer." "Not the mental kid." "Enjoy." "Bit of Keane when I'm on the open road." "The Killers." "You into them?" " No." " Great." "There's these new lads as well." "Mumford and Sons." "Give them a listen." "They have changed the way I look at this crazy world." " Craig, can I have a word?" " Yeah." " In private." " Can't we do it here?" "Not if you want to do it without an iPod up your arse." " Best be off then." " Yeah." " ã3.50." " A little less, please." "(Mexican accent) Hey, gringo, one false move and I kill your mother." " ã2.68." " That'll be lovely, thank you." "I'm offering to help you." "I can make sure nobody finds out about what happened." " It was years ago." " Still, shaving your head and disappearing to Ireland just cos someone dumped you hardly screams dependable manager material." "You help me with my problem, I help you with yours." "You'll be alright." "Someone in Valco must remember this Mark Michaels." "There is no Mark Michaels." "All those meetings were with ladies." " When you say ladies..." " I can't help it." "I love women too much." "So much so that sometimes I have to pay them for it." " You mean Wigan Wednesdays...?" " Yes!" "They were Prostitute Wednesdays!" "(tannoy) A final reminder:" "last chance to take advantage of our 3-for-2 deals on all Valco home-baked meat pies." " They're bound to find out the truth." " (laughs)" "And you think, you actually think, I'll be the only one going down if they do?" "You were there." "You set up all the meetings." "You signed off all the receipts." "I'm not using the word "pimp", but..." "I wasn't running around with cheap hookers!" "They were not cheap." "Most of them were middle to top end." " For Wigan." " You absolute shit!" "My job is on the fucking line here." "We could both lose our jobs." "I have got a wife and child to support." "You can help them with one little phone call to head office." " You're pathetic." " Yeah?" "I could also have you transferred out of here." "You wouldn't." "Hopefully I won't have to." "Lidl." "Fine." "I'll do it." "Thanks, mate." "I've got to get off to the Berwick branch now." "(sighs)" "Sorry for the wait, madam." "I checked the system and they're ã7.19 and..." "You're not the customer who asked about these, are you?" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "Any luck with the holiday, Margaret?" "Do you know what, I'm really grateful for everybody's help, but I think we'll stick with Anglesey." " What about the blue magician?" " Just have to focus on his face." "We go all round the world and the only place you want to go is Anglesey." "We have been going there 15 years and we do know all the roads." "I'm sorry about earlier." "It's alright." "Your heart was in the right place." "It's your favourite." "Ah, thanks for this." " Let's never do horoscopes again." " Deal." "Can I have a bit?" "I'm starving?" "Do what you like." "Thanks." "Everything alright, Julie?" " You're very quiet this afternoon." " Yeah, fine." "Nothing to do with what Craig was talking about earlier." " The Ireland thing." " No!" "Gavin, have you ever lied to Valco?" "Oh, no, no!" "Not even a little white lie." "Ever?" "Well, erm, I did tell a bit of a porkie on my initial application form." " I said I could play the piano." " Did you put them straight on it?" "No." "Barbara decided I should learn to play the piano before the interview." "So it wasn't really a lie then." "No, I suppose not." "I don't think I'd ever lie to Valco." "In some ways it'd be like lying to a family member." "Sounds a bit silly." "No, it doesn't, Gavin." "You're right." "I'm sorry, I just need to do something." " Yes, mate, what can I get you?" " Three pork chops, please." "What?" "Three pork chops, mate?" "It's my word against his but I can't let an area manager get away with it." "I realise I may have to go to prison, but sometimes..." "Oh, you already know?" "Well, make sure you throw the book at him." "OK." "Love you, bye." "Sorry, I didn't mean that." "Yes!" "Yes!" " Ready then?" " Whoa!" " The normal Kieran is back." " Yeah, I shaved it off." "The bullying from certain people was getting a bit too much." "Plus it looked shit." "You won't get a job on the waltzers now." "Another dream over." "What do you think Emma will say?" "Bothered?" "You're so grounded!" "Just tell her it didn't suit me and that I wear the trousers in our relationship." "What will you really say?" "I'll tell her the lads pinned me down and shaved it off." "(laughs)"