"HOMER:" "What?" "Cheap, lousy..." "Ah, there." "♪ ♪" "(SLEEPY PIANO MELODY PLAYING)" "♪ ♪" "MOE:" "Springfield... the city sleeps." "But a storm is brewing over the home of..." "CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons. ♪" "MOE:" "Interesting fact, the singers that sang that song are all dead." "Enjoy the show." "HOMER (OVER SPEAKERPHONE):" "Hello, family!" "I'm 20 minutes away." "Can I bring anyone a...?" "Mmm, pork chop." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "HOMER:" "Flanders, you need a new mailbox!" "(GROANS)" "(TIRES SCREECH)" "(HOMER HUMMING)" "Are these from the gas station?" "Uh, Marge, please." "They're from a supermarket that sells gas." "(SNIFFING):" "Were you at Moe's?" "Yeah, celebrating St. Patrick's Day." "(IN BROGUE):" "Ah, the Blarney Stone," "Angela's Ashes, centuries of troubles." "It's not St. Patrick's Day." "Well, on the real day, the price of green hats goes through the roof." "I thought you'd be happy I was saving money." "Cheap hats?" "You ruined Sunday dinner for cheap hats?" "!" "That's not..." "You know, forget it." " That's it?" " Yeah, that's it." "Thanks for the flowers." "I'm sure they were nice, but they're wilting now." "(SIGHS)" "Honey, when you were talking about those flowers, was it a metaphor for anything?" "Was it?" "Honey?" "Metaphor?" "So I thought she'd be furious, but nothing." "She was as aloof as Steve Martin." "(BOTH GASP)" "Ahoy-hoy." "This is Sector 7G, where... where, uh..." "What does go on here?" "Mostly we decide which of us should be on the lookout for you." "Which was supposed to be you, Lenny." "(À LA BIRDCALL):" "Coo-coo-coo..." "Yes, well, this is Nigel, an old boarding school chum, and, uh, this Piccadilly Circus walkup is his wife." "(COCKNEY ACCENT):" "I have to go, luv." "I've got to pick up a lip tint at the chemist's." "Farewell, darling." "You take the sun with you." "(CHUCKLES):" "You never told me about her." "Well, you never told me about your handsome young man." "Who, Smithers?" "(CHUCKLES)" "He just works here." "Smithers, I see you're one of those truly devoted people who make one forget love is an illusion." "Eh, I'm just a man who enjoys his job." "Uh, time for your pill, sir." "(GRUNTING)" "(BURNS GRUNTING)" "Did you swallow the cheese and not the pill?" "Nuh-uh." "Show me." "(SWALLOWS)" "That's a good boss." "Such devotion." "My wife is in love with her tennis coach," "(ROLLING "R"):" "Rolando." "Well, I believe in true love." "Like the first time I saw profit." "(CHUCKLES) A day doesn't go by that I don't think of that ledger." "(SIGHS)" "Hey, Homie." "That's our cue." "Lenny, when you say "That's our cue,"" "then you're supposed to leave." "Dear God, so many times" "I must have looked like a complete ass." "Homer, this is the part of the marriage where the needle is on "E,"" "but we still have a little more gas." "The brink of doom, where I do my best work." "And I want to break out of our rut, so I brought us a nice lunch." "Oh, honey, you've given me a big appetite." "For what?" "HOMER:" "Careful, Homer, she's expecting a non-food answer." " For... you?" " Oh..." "Well, I have to admit, that was suggested by the nose." "(NASALLY):" "Finally, some credit." "Mmm..." "Wait, I want to know that you're really gonna change." "Marge, I get it." "I truly get it." "And to prove it, I'm eating a carrot." "Oh..." "Mmm." "Sir, do you need help with that tea bag?" "No, I can talk to Nigel by myself." "Nigel, you were wrong about the Crimean War, and you're wrong now." "Love can endure." "Oh, I could dissolve that union as easily as the tea dissolves this sugar." "Smithers, did you see him heft that sugar cube?" "Did I." "Monty, I can break up that couple, and I'd wager five million on it." " Dollars or pounds?" " Pounds." " Sterling or flesh?" " Sterling, this time." "Oh, that money is as good as mine." "Look at them spooning." "(GIGGLES)" "(BOTH MUNCHING)" "(WHISTLE BLOWS)" "Hmm." "(HUMMING HAPPILY)" "Excuse me there, Simpson." "May I buy you a drink?" "Thanks, Alfred, but my marriage is in a very unusual condition... good..." " And I want to get home." " Now, now." "I'm an old friend of your boss', and if you turn me down, it will not go down favorably." "Will it go down unfavorably?" " Mm, it may." " (SHRIEKS)" " Very well, then." " (PHONE CHIMES)" "(HOMER GROANS)" "No texting your wife." "I'll just tell her I'm drinking with an English guy." "(PHONE CHIMES)" "What does that mean?" "He'd better just be around the corner." "(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)" "Oh." "♪ ♪" "Oh!" "And everyone left the hot tub except for Ringo, Princess Margaret, and me." "Yeah, uh, listen, Dr. Doolittle," "I like hearing you talk, but I got to get home." "So, been married long?" "Knocked her up right after high school." "I can't listen to that story without getting weepy." "Hey, hey, that's my talking bar rag!" "Let go of that!" "You doing all right there, Raggy?" "Yeah, that's good." "So, Homer, the only woman you've ever been with is your wife." "How shall I put this?" "You thumped one melon and left the store satisfied." "If you knew anything about me, you would know" "I would never, ever shop in the produce section." "Homer, have you ever thought there might have been other melons... bigger, smaller, more exciting?" "Oh, the women I could have had." "You drew me in fifth grade, and I've never gotten over you." "I like a man who pours me on everything." "(SHUDDERING):" "Oh..." "I think it's time I went home to my wife." "(SHRIEKS)" "I fear my seed landed on barren soil." "Oh, yeah, he's crazy about that Midge." "Eh, she's got it all." "Hair that goes on forever..." "Moe, I always wondered something." "Who are you talking about when you say "Midge"?" "Why, Marge, of course." "What the... (GRUNTS)" "Wait'll Midge hears about this!" "Hmm, this might be worked from another angle." "So, Moe, you find Homer's wife attractive?" "Yeah." "She barely knows I exist." "Which is the only thing I got going for me." "Well, how would you like me to set you up in a more elegant establishment?" "More elegant than this?" "Aah!" "This may just be the bonk on the head talking, but sure." "Oh." "(TIRES SCREECH)" "(WORRIED GROANING)" "Marge, I know I'm late, but I'm really sorry." ""Sorry" and "Congratulations, Graduate."" "They had a two-for-one sale." " Now, I'm late because..." " Don't bother." " But there's a really good..." " It's too late." " But you're gonna laugh when you..." " No." "I just have to accept that you're never going to change." "No, no, don't give up." "I've changed before." "I lost my hair and got fat." "Good night." "Oh, good night." "(HOMER SNORING)" "(SOBBING)" "♪ ♪" "(CRYING)" "(YAWNING)" " How was your night?" " The usual." "(WORRIED GRUNTING)" "So, it's Saturday morning." "What do you want to do today?" " Nothing." " Hey, Homer," "I got an extra ticket for the ball game." "Box seats." "He'll take it." "Marge, no." "Flanders ruins baseball." "He adds the word "Lord" to the end of" ""Take Me Out to the Ball Game."" "FLANDERS: ♪ Take me out to the ball game, Lord ♪" "♪ Take me out with the crowd, Lord ♪" "BOYS: ♪ Buy us some water ♪" "♪ And that's just fine ♪" "♪ All I drink is communion wine ♪" "♪ For it's pray, pray, pray to our Jesus ♪" "(HOMER GROANS)" "♪ If we don't win, it's His will ♪" "♪ 'Cause He's one, two, three Gods in one ♪" "♪ At the baseball church ♪" "♪ We're at church. ♪" "D'oh." "Hi, hon, I'm near Moe's, but I can come right home." "I haven't even put a coin in the meter." "Just what I needed to hear." "Oh..." "Oh, damn it." "(GASPS)" "Aw, maybe now I can finish my novel." "I just wish I hadn't left it in there." "Yeah, well, don't worry, you still got old Moe." "Moe 2.0." "It's a whole new me." "I even bought one of those new gizmos that everyone's using." "Why'd you close the bar?" "Well, I've been set up in a high-end establishment by a well-heeled backer." "Really, you should see the heels on this guy." "MoHo House?" "Yes, MoHo House, the vaguely British, invitation-only club that celebrities who don't want publicity can be sure to be seen at." "I'm going there now." "Don't tell anyone." "Tonight is the grand opening for the town's hottest new destination, run by the man most in demand for Springfield's haunted houses, Moe Szyslak." "(GROWLING)" "Oh, sorry, force of habit." "(CHUCKLES) How you doing?" "Good to see you, Mr. Mayor." "Bumblebee Man, ¿cómo está?" "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "No can do, Mr. "Movie Star."" "Your last picture... (CHUCKLES) was a bomb." "The trailer gave away too much, like, uh, the fact that it was terrible." "I deserve a good time." "I can have a good time." "The heck with Homer." "Thanks for the lift, Homer." "(TIRES SCREECH)" "(GROANS)" "I really don't think you're taking this seriously enough." "(CHUCKLES)" "BURNS:" "What are you up to, Nigel?" "Oh, just stacking the deck in my favor, as sporting men are wont to do." "A posh club, beautiful single men and women, irresistible temptations to my unsuspecting quarry." "(SCOFFS) Good luck breaking them apart." " See you." " Hmm." "(GASPS, SHUDDERS)" "HOMER:" "I can have fun by myself." "Would you care to spill a drink on me and use it as an excuse to meet me?" "Can I eat the cherry first?" "Don't take too long." "I might;" "I asked for extra cherries." "(WHISPERING LOUDLY):" "They don't charge for extra cherries." "Monty, what say we make this wager something meaningful?" "Like what?" "How about my entire fortune against your boy Friday?" "(GASPS)" "Smithers?" "(GRUNTING)" "Oh. (GROANS)" "Well, I can't possibly lose." "You're on." "Mr. Burns, you can't use me as a gambling chip." "Check your contract." "(SIGHS) I'll be darned." "It also says I'm permitted to mold your hair into whimsical shapes." "Smithers want a cracker?" "(GROANS) Got to get a better lawyer." "Ooh, those fingers." "(CHATTERING)" "The chimp yes, the clown no." "Don't tell me, it's because I'm Jewish." "No, it's 'cause you're a has-been nobody likes, all right?" "Please tell me it's because I'm Jewish." "(CRIES)" "Moe, good to see you." "Oh, good to see you, Midge." "Boy, who knew you'd look so great in a strapless dress?" "Well, thank you." "Methinks I see my opportunity." "Why are you telling me?" "I always considered us friends." "So, let..." "Uh, what's your name there?" "Brant..." "Brant here pour something for you." "We got loads of microbrew with crazy names, like, uh, Hops-along Cassidy and Michelob." "So, uh, where's Homer?" "We're not spending as much time together." "MOE:" "Whoa, this night, when I opened up a fabulous new bar, just got interesting." "(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)" "Hey, Stogie, how about a little "Moonglow"?" "Not the real moon." "Oh, you mean the drug." "No, the song." "("MOONGLOW" PLAYING)" ""Moonglow," that's my favorite song." "Yeah, you came into my bar seven years ago and you played it on the jukebox." "I remember things like that." "So, you want to dance?" "I actually do it a lot, but, uh, nobody sees behind the bar." "I guess one dance couldn't hurt." "So, can you start Monday?" "Oh, you won't break up the Simpsons." "I'm not used to getting my arms all the way around someone." "Oh, God, I can't work for a man I'm not in love with." "I've got to fix this now." "Simpson, you need to patch things up with your wife now." "We're fine." "Excuse me, bartender?" "I ordered three dozen wings and I only count 35." "Listen to me, this was gonna be a birthday present for my mother, but I want you to give it to Marge." "Okay, what's the gag?" "You have to reconcile with your wife." "Mm, there's always a catch." "I've seen a whole different side of you tonight, Moe." "MOE:" "Whoa, she's waving me home like a third-base coach." "But could I really do that to Homer?" "Damn it, I need time to think here." "Sorry, this is great, but I got to go stick plastic ribbons onto toothpicks." "That don't just happen." "If Moe can change, why can't my husband?" "Well, um, seems to me the reason your husband won't change is 'cause he knows he's got a great thing with you." "If he suddenly treated you different, that should worry you." "I mean, duh, I guess." "You know?" "Duh?" " Hey, Marge." " Homie!" "I got you something." "(SOBBING)" "What the...?" "That's not from you." "Can't you at least open it so I can find out what it is?" "Marge, I got the best gift I ever got you in my life." "Huh?" " (GROANS)" " Okay, that's not great." "And why, if you were trying to be close, would you spend the whole evening away from me?" "Hey, you've taken me off the market since I was 18, which I immediately regret saying." "Look, I'm on my knees." "Why aren't you forgiving me?" "I'll follow you." "Ow, hairbrush." "Ow, alphabet blocks." "Ow, dog toy!" "(MURMURING):" "Wasn't even a card for me." "(HOMER GRUNTING)" "I hope you kids haven't lost any respect for your old man." "Uh, can't lose what you don't have." "Thanks, boy." "HOMER:" "Ow!" "Oh!" "(THUNDER CRASHES)" " ♪ ♪ - (SIGHS)" "Something wrong, boss man?" "When you finally get a shot at what you always wanted, do you really want it?" "Frankly, that's a white person problem." "Wow, I never had one of those before." "Hey, what you playing there?" "Oh, just a little something I've been messing around with that may or may not be a commentary on your situation." "♪ ♪" "♪ It was hopeless and new ♪" "♪ New from the start ♪" "♪ Her hair was blue ♪" "♪ As blue as my heart ♪" "♪ Her husband was fat ♪" "♪ And not very smart ♪" "♪ So I'm writing this song to tell you it's wrong ♪" "♪ To love ♪" "♪ An elephant's wife ♪" "♪ It's wrong, baby. ♪" "(SQUAWKS)" "Homer don't treat her right." "She should be loved." "Loved like Barney loves my bar." "He's thinking of me, I know it." "This is going in my new novel." "My mind's made up." "There's only one thing I can do." "(PHONE CHIMING)" "Whoa, that's a conflicted look." "Are you a cashier or a psychiatrist?" "(SIGHS) I was a psychiatrist." "Then I lost my license for prescribing too few meds." "You came." "I wasn't sure you would." "♪ He wasn't sure you would ♪" "Let's go somewhere more private." "♪ There's cameras everywhere. ♪" "I needed to see you." "(THUNDER CRASHES)" "You're supposed to be my friend, Moe!" "How could you meet my wife behind my back?" "I did it because I'm your friend, Homer." "And that's why I invited you here." "To tell you that if you don't treat this woman right, someone's gonna take her away." "Now, it won't be me, but you don't leave the lid off a pickle jar like her." "Right, Midge?" "First of all, it's Marge." "No, I know, I-I don't know what my deal is with that." "But you're right about everything else." "Marge, I treasure you." "And to prove it, here's something I drew last night." "♪ Why do birds ♪" "♪ Suddenly appear ♪" "♪ Every time ♪" "♪ You are near?" "♪" "♪ Just like me ♪" "♪ They long to be. ♪" "Okay, we haven't achieved all our dreams, but the day I met you, I had them." "I love you." "I love you, too." " Mmm." " Mmm." "Maybe some day I'll find happiness, but not today." "Ugh." "Mm-mm-mm." "A very touching scene." "Pleasure doing business with you." "Uh, sir, who are you talking to?" "Why, Nigel here." "Sir, you're imagining people again." "Well, then who gave me this check?" "That's a coupon for free frozen yogurt." "Bah!" "Where is he going, and why is my check torn to shreds?" "You don't have to pay him, he'll be fine." "Use me in a wager, will he?" " Mmm!" " Mmm." "♪ ♪" "Wait a minute, this place was just built." "♪ ♪" "♪ It must have been MoHo ♪" "♪ For Homer and Marge ♪" "♪ They got back their mojo ♪" "♪ And now they're living large ♪" "♪ Still I hear you saying ♪" "♪ What happens to Moe?" "♪" "♪ He'll go back to his hellhole ♪" "♪ That's the ending of the show ♪" "♪ Except for the tag. ♪" "Okay, sir, we've revised my contract, so you can no longer proffer me in a wager, throw me in a volcano, use me as a chew toy for your tiger... (CHUCKLES) Sabu will be disappointed." "Use me as a human Christmas ornament, or jack-o'-lantern, lit." "But I still agree to be mummified with you if you pass." "Excellent." "Mm, it's good to be back." "♪ ♪"