"Previously on Californication..." " My name is Hank." " I know." "This is Mia, Bill's daughter." "And this is Hank." " She's 16." " 16." "Please do not make it like it wasn't the least bit satisfying to fuck the wife of the man who turned your precious book into a big, shitty movie!" "Get on with your life and forget about the woman you didn't want to marry." "I'm gonna marry Bill." " Hank." " Are you sure?" "Quick, before I change my fucking mind." "Karen, wait!" " I made a huge mistake." " No." "The DA's office was willing to drop the assault charges." " That's the good news." " What's the bad news?" "You're being charged with statutory rape." "The prosecution has a lame case, and they know it too." "I don't want you to be guilty." "I don't want people to look at you that way." "And then Monday will come, and I'll take you to court so that you can stand trial for raping a teenage girl." "Cos that is the reality of our lives right now." " You look great." " I look like a fucking FBI agent." "A very brooding and comely FBI agent." "But still..." "Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will be over before you know it." "That's exactly what I'm afraid of." "What are you afraid of, exactly?" "Everything." "Which is weird, you know, because I've spent my whole life practising Zen and the art of who gives a fuck?" "And now I just want to get in the Porsche and drive." "Well, it's just as well, Becca totalled it." "You know what I mean." "I know what you mean." "Can you tell me that everything's gonna be all right?" "I can't tell you that." "Can you tell me that you'll be here when the smoke clears?" "I can't tell you that either." " What can you tell me?" " You're gonna be late." "All right." " Come on." " I just..." "I just need a few seconds." "Gotta do..." "You know." "Gotta get the hair right." "OK." "Well..." "Looks like it's time to get this party started." "After you, ladies." "Free Hank!" "Free Hank!" "Oh, man." "I'm gonna take you around back." "Yeah, thank you." "I'm not feeling particularly quippy this morning." " Well, there's a minor miracle." " Well..." "OK, get the fuck out." " You're funny." " You gotta laugh, right?" "I'm sorry, Karen." "For hurting you, embarrassing you." "For everything." "You know what?" "You know how you can make it up to me?" "Get in there, be a man, deal with your shit, whatever happens." "Or we could drive back and head out to LAX, pick a destination off the board." "Preferably some place warm and sunny with a firm non-extradition policy." "Go." "Smile and be nice." "Mind your manners." "I'll see you inside." "I love you." "Sorry, man." " Oh, God." " Shit." "Wow." " Long time no fucking see." " Yeah." " How are you?" " I'm well, Hank." "Thank you." "Right." "Look, how do I begin?" "How do I make you understand how sorry I am?" "Save your breath, Hank." "You want to know what it's like to walk in my shoes?" "I want you to think about Becca." "What if I had sex with her?" "How would that make you feel?" "What would you do to make it OK again?" "Would you hit me?" "Would you kill me?" "Or would you go in there, tell them exactly what you know, and hope I get exactly what I deserve?" "See you inside." " There you are." " Hey." "I thought you made a run for the border." "I thought about it, then I hit Taco Bell and the feeling passed." "You ready to do this?" "You OK?" " I think I'm gonna throw up... again." " Again?" "Yeah." "You think they have any of those little barf bags around?" "OK." "The State of California versus Hank Moody." "The Honourable Susan McMartin presiding." "All rise." "Please be seated." "The prosecution is absolutely right... about one thing, and one thing only." "Mr Moody had sexual intercourse with a teenage girl." "This is undisputed." "On the night in question," "Mr Moody was approached by a very attractive young woman who made it very clear she was interested in having sex with him." "She went home with him that night and did just that." "At no point did Mr Moody inquire about her age, nor did Ms Lewis offer it to him." "Is this a good thing?" "A smart thing?" "An honourable thing?" "Absolutely not." "But it is a reality of the world we live in." "Mr Moody is far from a boy scout." "He would be the first to confess his sins." "But he did not knowingly have sex with a minor." "He had sex with a very troubled young woman, who had reasons of her own for obscuring the truth." "I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little hard right now." "You're good." "Is the state ready to call its first witness?" "If it please the court, the state calls Charles W Runkle." "Hank Moody for a screening of God Hates Us All." "I don't have that on here." "I've got a screening for something called A Crazy Little Thing Called Love." "That it?" "London, Paris..." "Maybe forget about tomorrow." "Pretty tall order." "Hey, Moody, what'd you think?" "Oh, wait, I forgot..." "I don't give a fuck." "Now, now..." " That's it, Charlie, I'm doing it." " What?" "I'm fucking his wife." "He's left me no choice." " You don't want to do that, Hank." " Yep, I think I do." "Revenge is a dish best served with my dick." "He actually said," ""Revenge is a dish best served with my dick"?" "Yeah, but he was just kidding around." "He was just kidding around." "So he didn't really have an affair with Mrs Carr?" "Well, yes, he did." "But that was all in good fun." "I see." "So your definition of "good fun" is breaking up a marriage?" "OK, now you're twisting my words around." " I think so too." " I think it's gonna be very big." "Women are gonna like it." " People seem to love..." " Women and transsexuals, maybe." "You get lost, Moody, or you still pouting?" "I'm sorry if I wanted it to be better, Carr." "A little more Fight Club, and a little less You've Got Mail." "Christ on the cross, Moody, what are you complaining about?" " That thing is tracking through the roof." " Trackin', schmackin'." "It's a fucking abortion, and you did the bloody honours." "The worst thing is you're not even a good abortionist." " You're a fucking hack with a wire hanger." " You're such a fucking little girl." "You want to see things done your way, why don't you pick up a fucking camera and direct?" "I don't want to direct." "You said you liked my book." " We shook hands." "I trusted you." " It's not that bad." "Come on, what do you think?" "Be honest." "Can I speak freely?" "Sure." "But be careful." "You're my fucking agent too." "I thought it was amazing." " You silly twat." " I thought it was wonderful, baby." "Be nice and I'll let you write the sequel." "Be nice and I won't fuck your wife again." "What the fuck did you just say?" "Apologise, Hank." "Right now." "I'm just fucking with you, Carr." "You guys are obviously bulletproof." "A love story for the ages." "A crazy little thing called love." "Cheers." "So when Karen moved in with Bill, did Mr Moody express any similar desire for revenge?" "I'm gonna get that fucking bastard." "I'm gonna make him rue." " Rue what, exactly?" " I don't know." "I just like saying "rue"." "I find it most pleasing." "Don't be stupid, Hank." " Too late." " Yeah, that's what I was afraid of." "Charlie, the man has stolen the love of my life right out from under me." "That dull fucking dial tone of a human has poached my woman." "You can understand that, right?" "He has poached my favourite client." "And now my daughter lives in prison behind these castle walls." " What would you have me do?" " Go home and sleep it off." "Aside from that." "Do you have my back on this, Charlie?" " Just don't get us arrested, OK?" " Word to your mother, Charlie." "Word to your fucking mother, you bald motherfucker." "If only someone would come along and steal you out from under me." "That ain't gonna happen." "That will never happen." "I will never leave you." "You know why?" "I'll tell you." "Because I love you, and I will totally become your blood brother right now." "Do you have a knife?" "A shard of something?" " I'm good." "I'm good." " Use these car keys." " I'm good." " Take the fucking wheel." "What the fuck are you doing?" "You took a shit on my car!" " Come on." " Fuck!" " Don't..." " Come on and get me." "Come on!" "Here we go!" "Go, Charlie, go!" "Nothing further." " Mr Runkle..." " Yeah." "Would you describe Mr Moody as more than just a client?" "Absolutely." "I would describe him as a friend." "My best friend." "And in what ways has he acted as your friend?" "Well, there was a time I was estranged from my wife..." "We're now divorced." "She's having another man's baby." "They're living together now." " Mr Runkle." " Yes?" " We don't need quite that much detail." " I'm sorry." "Anyway..." "Hank and I went out drinking one night, and long story short, we met this woman." "She came back with us to Hank's place, and I started putting the moves on her." "But she really wasn't that interested." "Fact is, she wanted to sleep with Hank." "But Hank wasn't that interested." "He wanted to go to bed." "You know, get some sleep." " But you know what he did?" " Mr Runkle, it's OK," " let me rephrase the question." " No, no, no." "You want to know what he did?" "He agreed to have a threesome with us anyway." "That's right, because that is the kind of friend he is." "And it turned into a total botch too because the woman in question was a squirter." " A squirter!" " Mr Runkle!" "I'm sorry." "A female ejaculator." " Nothing further, Your Honour." " Mr Runkle, you're excused." "If it please the court, the state calls Karen van der Beek." "In your opinion, how much did Hank Moody hate Bill Lewis?" "Well, hate is a very strong word." "I hate you, Bill." " That's lovely, Hank." "Thank you." " Karen?" "Karen!" " Hey, hey." " Karen!" "Can I have my family back now?" " Please?" "Pretty please?" " Go away, Hank." "I feel I must warn you, Bill..." "I have a gun." "And I will use it." " OK." " I will shoot you right between the eyes." "And if that doesn't work, I will kick you in the cunt." "That's a water gun, Hank." "Filled with hot sauce, motherfucker." "Banzai!" "Hank!" "Hank, what the fuck!" "Will you grow up!" "Give that to..." "Stop." " What are you doing?" " Karen..." "Hi, Karen." "You're so pretty." " Are you OK?" " Shall I linger?" " No, no, I got it." " This is getting old, Hank." "No older than you are, Bill." "Booyah!" " Shut up." " Nailed it!" " I'm sorry..." "Hank, go." " OK, are you ready?" " Are you ready to come home now?" " What?" "Are you ready to call an end to this little flight of fancy?" " Because guess what, I forgive you." " Hank..." " You're welcome." " Shut up." "It's over, OK?" "The fat lady has sung." "She has left the building." "You've gotta get used to this." " Let me see Becca." " No!" "You're drunk!" "She's seen me drunk before." "And I'm a happy drunk, anyway." " Get out." "Go home." " Don't use that word." "You're not allowed to use that word." "It's not fair." "I don't have a home." " OK, I'm not using it, OK?" "Go home." " Give me my gun." " Give me my gun." "Can I have my gun?" " Yes." "Yes." "Your cross, Ms. Rhoads." "Let me get this straight." "You broke up with Mr Moody, moved in with Mr Lewis, agreed to marry him, but left him on your wedding night to move back in with Mr Moody." "You then kicked Mr Moody out because you thought he impregnated a friend, moved to New York for a job opportunity, left your daughter in Mr Moody's care, came back, played house some more." "And then you broke it off yet again when Mr Moody was accused of statutory rape." "Is that correct?" "You make me sound crazy when you say it out loud like that." "Your words, not mine." "Is that the sequence of events?" "Yes." "Nothing further." "I like this whole recess idea." "Takes me back to my formative years." "How long do we get?" "Do we have time for a game of kickball?" "Maybe she'll give him another chance." "Shit." "You didn't have to be so hard on her up there, you know." " Do you want to go to jail?" " Is this another one of your trick questions?" "Just let me do my job." "You just sit there and look pretty." "I can do that." "I think." "How deep do these feelings run, by the way?" "Huh?" "I just want to know what I'm dealing with here." "I can't believe I'm having a relationship conversation with my lawyer on the first day of my trial." "I can't believe I'm having a relationship conversation." " I know." "You're such a girl, right?" " Shut up." "I am serious, I will cut your dick off." "And..." "I'm hard." "Again." "Et tu, Runkle-us?" "OK, you..." "After all the stories we rehearsed," "I missed the part where I said, "Fuck it, let's go with female ejaculation!"" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "He was twisting my words around." "Did you see that?" "I got really fucking nervous." "Oh, it's OK, buddy boy." "It's all right." "And for what it's worth, it was really fun hearing that poop story again." "I know." "Right?" "If it please the court, the state calls William Lewis." "Here comes sweet dick Willie." "Do you find him attractive, sexually?" "Mia!" "Daddy?" "Welcome home." "Get inside, now!" "What the fuck are you doing in my house?" "I came to get my family..." " then I passed out." " You're pathetic." "Good God, man." "Get yourself together!" "Get me a strainer." "I'll clean it up." "I'll make it nice." " Just get the fuck outta here." " I can do that." "Just do me a solid, Bill." "Don't tell 'em I was here." "That would be my pleasure." "I'm sorry I'm such a turd in the punch bowl." "I just really miss them." "Yeah, I'm sure you do." "They're pretty fantastic." "And as much as you blame me, this is your doing." "I know that." "Why do you think I'm so fucked up?" " Can you give me a hand?" " Yeah." "You're a nice man, Bill." "Oh, Jesus!" " Are you OK?" " Yeah." " All right." " You're handsome too." "A real tall drink of water." "I see what Karen sees in you now." "I get it." "I bet you've got a nice dong too." "You must." "Karen has a thing for pretty dongs." " Let's go." " Good for you, Bill." "So let me see, when you arrived home from your business trip, you found Hank and Mia having some sort of poolside conversation." " That's correct." " And when was that, exactly?" "July 12th, 2007." "Which would mean you arrived home and saw Hank Moody having a conversation with your daughter prior to the night of August 13th?" "Yes." "Quiet down, please." "Quiet." "Mr Lewis, do you believe that Hank Moody set out to sleep with your daughter" " as a way of getting back at you?" " I most certainly do." "Yes." " Quiet." " No further questions." "Your witness." "Mr Lewis..." "What condition was the defendant in when you found him talking to your daughter?" "He was drunk." " How drunk?" " Blotto." "Who the fuck are you?" "I live here." "Who the fuck are you?" "My family lives here." "I've come to rescue them." " How's that working out for you?" " Not as well as I'd planned." "If they were really your family, don't you think they'd be with you right now?" "It's complicated." "You really love them, don't you?" "Yeah." "So much so that the words themselves sound unspeakably lame." "God, that's hot." " Mia!" " Daddy?" "Welcome home." "Get inside, now!" "Why didn't you think to mention this before?" "Because I didn't think it mattered." "I mean, he was so drunk." "He was in and out of sleep." "The night that we met at the bookstore, he had no idea who I was." "None." "What was your relationship with Karen like?" "It was fine." "She was nice." "I didn't ask if she was nice." "I asked what your relationship was like when you were forced to live together under the same roof." "Hey, Mia!" "Where are you going dressed like that?" " Out." " Out where?" " Just out." "Who cares?" " I care." "Who with?" " Some guy." " Some guy?" "What, some guy from school?" " No, he's older." " He's older?" "OK, how much older?" " Significantly." " Mia, come on." "Your dad's out of town." "He is not gonna want you tramping around with some older guy." "My dad's always out of town." "I don't think he cares about my whereabouts." "Mia, come on." "Hey, Becca and I, we're gonna watch a movie." "Manhattan." "I just..." "You want to join us?" "I don't want to see a movie." "I want to go out." "But, you know, maybe you shouldn't." "Maybe there's trouble out there." " You know what I mean?" " Well, what's so wrong with that?" "Don't you ever want to go out and get into trouble?" "Sure, when I was your age." "But you know what, I wish once in a while someone had asked me to stay in and watch a movie instead." "Come on." " You know you want to." " No, I'm gonna go." "Mia, you know what, at this point I'm not really asking you, I'm telling you." " Oh, you're telling me." " Yeah." " What are you gonna do about it?" " Don't test me." "Fuck you." "She was just being sweet." "But that just made me more mad, you know." "My mother was dead, and my father decided to bury his grief in a new girlfriend." "I just wanted to go out and get into trouble." "At the same time, I wanted her to stop me." "I..." "It felt good, someone caring enough to say no, but I just told her "Fuck off" and I stormed out." "That guy was a jerk." "I left him at some bar on Abbot Kinney, and I started walking home thinking I'd catch whatever was left of Manhattan." "But then I wandered into the bookstore... and I found the trouble that I was looking for." "Nothing further." "That was horrible." "It was like watching This Is Your Life in 3-D, on acid, with my creepy uncle's dick on my shoulder." " What the fuck, Hank?" " What the fuck what?" " What the fuck?" " That jury is now under the assumption that you knew Mia before you actually slept together." " But..." " The seed of doubt has been planted." "That's all it takes." "Do you..." "This changes everything." "Some day, huh?" " So you knew who she was all along?" " No, not you too, Karen." "No, I have no memory of that." "None." " Amnesia." "Convenient." " You don't understand," " those days were all a blur to me." " I do understand." "Yeah." "You can't remember." "I will never forget!" "It's that asshole's job to make me look like an asshole." "Yeah, well, you know what, he didn't have to work too hard." "The only thing I'm guilty of is poor judgment." "Yeah, me too!" "Fuck you!"