" We have a problem." " Oh!" "God." "Yeah." "I know." "It's 1,000 degrees in here." "What are you talking about?" "Well, the air conditioning must be broken." "Aren't you hot?" "I wear a thick velvet Puma suit ten hours a day." "I've learned to hydrate in ways that disgust even me." "Look, I want a raise." "I work my ass off for this place every night." "We've been over this." "You're only supposed to work four hours a week." "And yet, you're always here in the suit, and no one knows why." "I'll tell you why." "Because I engender pep." "People need pep." "And I am pep." "I would really like to think that this conversation's almost over." "If you don't give me a raise, I will quit." "Leave the suit at the front gate." "I'm at rock bottom." "Hey!" "How's everybody doin'?" "It's a little hot." "Yes, it is." "It is a little hot." "And that's a problem, because tomorrow night, thousands of people are coming here for the big game." "And today, the team needs to practice." "So can you, as maintenance men, make it a little less hot, with your tools and your vast knowledge of ducts?" " Where's Robert?" " I'm Robert." "Right." "Yes." "Of... of course." "I..." "I was talking about the air conditioning guy Robert." "You mean Louis." "He quit because you kept calling him "Robert."" "Okay." "Well, we have to track him down." "Who... who can do that?" " Louis used to track people down." " So Louis was a fairly big loss." "Listen, people can't work this way." "We have to cool this place down as soon as possible, don't you think so, Don... ny?" "That's Ted." "Well, you guys know how hard it is to remember all these names." " We know your name is Ben." " Well, that's easy." "I look like a Ben." "So in the spirit of that, what do you say today, I call you all "Steve"?" "My name actually is Steve." "Well, what a win-win for you, Steve." "Can we get the air conditioning fixed..." "Steves?" "Crystal, do not worry." "I'm on the air conditioning thing." "And we'll apologize to the women basketball players and fill their lockers with extra lady razors." "They must go through those things like candy." "Oh, I don't care about that, other than how it's completely murdering my hairdo." "The maintenance workers are all in a tizzy because you apparently insisted on calling them all "Steve"?" "How do you know about that?" " That happened, like, three minutes ago." " A little bird told me." "Ted Littlebird." "That handsome native American fellow who works in maintenance." "Jim's his brother." "We have two Littlebirds working here?" "You'd think that would have come up more often." "Exactly my point." "You don't know the name of anybody who works here, and they've had it with your insensitivity." "That is not fair." "I have made a solid effort to connect with people here." "I may not know all of their names, but when they walk down the hallway," "I'll say, hello... hell... hello there." "And there's one guy that I always call "chief."" "Unfortunately, it's not one of the two Indian gentlemen you mentioned earlier." "Well, regardless, the Steves refuse to go back to work, so you have to apologize." "And for God's sake, learn their names." "Basic management skills." "Oh, please." "Like you know everybody's names?" "I most certainly do." "And I've worked very hard at it." " What do you think I do in here all day?" " Oh, I don't want to think about that." "Pardon me." "Crystal?" "I just wanted to drop off this week's banana bread." "And I think that I can get you the attendance breakdown" " a day earlier this week." " Oh, Diane." "Diane." "Oh, Diane..." "Thank you." "Pleasure." "Bye, Diane. (Sniffs) You see?" "In order to be a boss who is liked and to get the most out of your employees, you have to do the basics." "Say hello, learn their names, and every now and then, throw them an ice cream party." "People like me." "I would even go so far as to say, they find me to be an unbridled delight." "Oh, no, they don't." "Okay." "Well, you know what?" "If they're not gonna notice the effort I've been putting out there, then...then the hell with them." "I'll fix the air conditioning myself." "Well, do it!" "Do it quickly!" "Oh!" "There you two are!" "I have been meaning to tell you that watching your relationship bloom and flourish has been both fascinating and enlightening." " Thank you?" " Uh, okay." "Sure." "Yeah, thank you." "And since you two are really making it work," "I'd love for you to meet my new fella." "What do you say to a double date?" " Really?" "That'd be great!" " What an honor, Crystal." "Let's say Friday." " Oh, Darius will be thrilled!" " Oh." "Darius?" "That's my fella's name." "Darius Washington." " Ring a bell, Alonzo?" " Hmm." "No." "Should it?" "Well, I just assumed all you brothers knew each other." "Ha ha." "Um, you know what, Crystal?" "I just realized, we have something Friday." " I don't think we do." " I'm certain we do." "Well..." "Some other time, then." "Um, did you just pick up on what was going on there?" " Yeah." "As subtle I it was, I got it." " She obviously just asked us out because she's dating a black man, and then assumed that you would know him because he's a "brother."" "Look, it's no surprise Crystal is insensitive." "This is the woman who handed Yo-Yo ma her dry cleaning." "But the point is, she wants to have dinner with us." "She's trying." "I think we should have said yes." " Really?" " Yeah." "And who knows?" "She spends time with us, and the next time, she won't ask the guys from Los Lobos to park her car." "Hey, Ben, what you doin'?" "Well, the Steves refuse to work still, so I figured I'd take a look at the air conditioning myself." "I'm fairly handy." "I once installed blinds in my bathroom." "That's not true." "I've never done that." " You're an amazing man, Ben." " Thank you, Roman." "So I got the results of the poll." " The popularity pool." " You've been vindicated." "People like me." "Oh." "I do not know what "vindicated" means." "Well, you must have slanted the question somehow." "How did you ask it?" " "I like Ben." "Do you?"" " And no one..." " Not a one." " Let me finish the question!" "Okay, fine." "So they don't like me." "I'm not their friend, I'm their boss." "I shouldn't have to learn everybody's names just to get them to do their jobs." "It's time for everybody to grow up and start being professionals." "Yeah, I gotta learn their names." "♪ Mr. Sunshine ♪" "♪ Yay ♪" " Hey." " Hey." "I have a great idea on how you can learn people's names." "It's a system I used when I went to the University of Phoenix so I could get to know my fellow classmates." "But that's an online university that has no campus." " Which made it that much harder." " I see." "Okay." "So what I did was, I wrote everyone's name and put their photo on a card." "Now all we have to do is think of a description of that person that matches their initials." "We write it on the card, and then you can study 'em like flash cards." "Man, that's actually a really good idea." "I know." "Okay." "Fred Patterson." "Fred Patterson." "F.P." "How about "friendly personality?"" "Uh, "friendly personality" is a little too vague." "I'm gonna go with "fat... pumpkin."" "Wow." "I mean, look at his face." "That's like a blimp." "And he's got a very odd skin hue." "Doug Miller... "disgusting moles."" " No..." " Look at those things." "Look at that one right there." "No, I don't... that... yeah." "Wayne Fredericks... "walks funny."" "Ben, I don't..." "I don't think this is right." "No, it's right." "He walks like there's a giant beach ball between his knees." "This is so much fun!" "I'm gonna do this with everybody who works here!" "Michelle Gritzer... "my... grand..."" "Hmm." "I'll remember that." "Oh, Crystal." "I checked our calendar, and Alonzo was right." "We are free Friday." "Oh, well, great." "I'll go ahead and make the reservations." "I think everyone will be happy with barbecue." "Barbecue?" "Why barbecue?" "That's a good one." "Excuse me, everyone." "I have something to say." "Oh, golly." "Frozen burritos down, fellas." "Thank you for your enthusiasm, Robert Ketterman." "You see, Jeff Sheehan..." "Fred Patterson..." "I may have come across a little harsh today, Doug Miller." "We could blame it on the heat." "But I'd like to apologize, Leo Peccini..." "Ryan Mills, Rod Sherwood, for my behavior, Bruce McAdam, and both Littlebirds, Ted and Jim." "Well, thanks, Ben." "Thanks a lot." "You're welcome, Robert Ketterman." "Boy, it sure is hot in here." "You know what?" "I suppose we could take another crack at fixing the air." "Oh, I would really appreciate that, fellas." "Sure, Ben." "Whoa!" "You scared me, Steve Gurtner." "Roman, I have found your job for the day..." "Pack up all the fans and put 'em in storage, because I did it!" "I learned everybody's names, and they're fixing the air." "That's awesome!" "They patted me on the back." "They smiled at me." "No one's ever smiled at me before, except for that woman in bookkeeping, creepy smile..." "Carol Sanderson." "Oh, no." "That's not a smile, that's a wince." " She has chronic back pain." " Oh, it doesn't matter." "The point is that I started this just to get people back to work, but then I enjoyed connecting." "I think I like it when people smile at me." "I'm gonna go let them smile at me some more." "Yeah!" "Just like that." "Nice job, Fred Patterson." "Hey, thanks, Ben." " Hey, great sweeping, Angie Albertini." " Have a good night, Ben." "Hey, thanks for holding the elevator, Wayne Fredericks." "That is one happy ficus, Matt Smith." "You bet, Ben." "Hey, everyone!" "The air conditioning's back on!" "Ahh." "Here you go, Ben." "I hope you don't mind, I made it with walnuts." "I don't mind." "I love banana bread." "I love walnuts." "And I love you, Diane de la Guardia." "Oh, you're nice." "Ooh." "Hello." "♪ Do you believe ♪" "♪ in life after love?" "♪" "♪ I can feel something inside me say ♪" "♪ I really don't think you're strong enough, no ♪" "♪ do you believe in life after love, love, ♪" "♪ love, love, love, love ♪" "♪ I can feel something inside me say ♪" "♪ I really don't think you're strong enough, no ♪" "♪ do you believe in life after love, love, love ♪" "Hey, Leo Peccini, have you noticed that it's hot again?" "Why is that, Jeff Sheehan?" "Hey, it's Angie Albertini." "Hey, Fred Patterson." "Fred Patterson." "Fred Patterson, what's up?" "Don't you mean "fat pumpkin"?" "Ooh." "Tina Lavinson." "What?" "!" "Benjamin, because of your ridiculous flash card scheme, it's hot again, and I look like Art Garfunkel." " What am I going to do?" " Here's what you're gonna do..." "You're gonna throw that ice cream party, and they're gonna forget about what you did, they're gonna go back to work, the air conditioning is gonna go back on, and it'll all be a bridge over troubled water." "Crystal, this runs deeper than an ice cream party." "Well, we can do a crepe party, but the line gets so long." "It was a great day." "I didn't feel like I was working with employees." "I was working with friends!" "I told you to learn their names, not befriend them like you all spent four years together at the University of Phoenix." "But I liked being friends with them." "It felt good." "Last night, Diane made me a banana bread, and I'm not usually a fan of quick breads." "Well, I'm terribly sorry you're gonna lose all your playmates, but we have a real problem that needs to be solved right now." "I want it all." "I want them to be friends with me, and I want them to go back to work." "Did you want to, uh..." "Oh, there you are." "I just wanted to tell you how much I'm looking forward to tomorrow night." " Yeah." "Can't wait." " Oh, and, um..." "Let's make sure to get in a little girl talk beforehand." "I need the skinny on how to handle the societal stigmas of being in that kind of relationship." "And what kind is that?" "Oh." "Don't make me say it out loud." "I can't do it." "I can't be okay with this." "I am not going to be part of Crystal's token interracial couple." " Honey..." " No, I'm not gonna calm down." "Just because you can tolerate it doesn't mean that I have to." "Okay." "You're new to this." "If you try to fight every little indignity, you're gonna exhaust yourself." "And at the end of the day, getting upset about it doesn't make Crystal any less petty or ignorant." "She never wanted to have dinner with me." "Now all of a sudden, I'm black, and she's interested." " You are not black." " Well, I could have been." "My mom was very progressive in her 20s." "Okay." "In the interest of clearing the air, we're gonna do something called an affinity circle." "I web searched "mendi relationships"..." "Came up with some pretty dark stuff..." "Incest... apparently very difficult to overcome." "If you've made out with your grandfather, forget it." "Just forget it." "Now I know that I've hurt your feelings, so this is your opportunity to express your true feelings about me." "And then we can move on and be friends again." "Now just to make sure we don't all talk at the same time, and in honor of the only book that I've ever read," ""Lord of the Rings"..." ""Lord of the Flies,"" "Roman..." "Bring to me the conch!" " This is the conch you got?" " It was the only one I could find." "This is San Diego." "They made the library out of conches!" "All right." "Just go sit down." "Did you bring the pad of paper?" " Yeah, yeah..." " Do you have a pen?" "Okay." "So..." "Who wants to go first?" "Don't be shy." "Anyone?" "Anyone?" "I say, anyone?" "Um, on Mondays, you can be a little grumpy." "What a great start." "Way to get the ball rolling." "Roman, jot that down." ""Watch grumpiness on Mondays."" "Okay, who's next?" "Anyone?" " Anyone?" " Ridiculous." "What's holding you people back?" "Benjamin, you're a preening, self-centered narcissist, and your socks are too design-y." "What's with all the stripes?" "You're not Beetlejuice." "You're a human man." "Next." "The only time you've ever looked me in the eyes was to check your hair in my glasses." "Okay. (Under breath) Jot that down." "And while we're at it, your hair is... stupid." "Well, Diane, that..." "that... that... that kind of hurts." "It's weird you've only ever read one book." "And, you know, you clear your throat too much." "That's true." "You really do." ""Good..." ""Morning..." "Everyone."" "The conch!" "The conch!" "You have to be holding the conch!" "And what's up with that chin?" "You barely even have one." "Yes!" "I... it's kind of like your face cascades into your neck." "There's no definition." " It's more like you have a... chinneck." " A chinneck!" " Yeah, a chinneck." " You sleep in your office all the ti.." "We can see you, you know?" "Okay, okay, that's it." "Stop it." "You're right." "I should not have called you all those names." "I tried to be your friend, but obviously, that ship has sailed." "So, Fred, fix the air conditioning." "Matt, restock the candy room." "All of you, go back to doing the jobs that you're paid to do!" "That's it!" "End of meeting!" "You're really bad at affinity circles." "Brutal." "Hey, you two!" "Wait up!" "If you have a sec, Darius is coming by to say hi." "Alonzo, you must know him from one of those meetings with the brothers, with those silly handshakes you do." "And those houses you live in should be condemned." "Disgusting places..." "liquor bottles all over the place, couches in the yard." "I don't know how you live like that." "Crystal, you have a petty and ignorant view of race." "Crystal Cohen, I have had it with your racist stereotyping." "And are you really growing an afro?" "You look like Diana Ross mid-concert in Central Park." "Well, Alonzo, my hair is frizzy because it's hot in here." " Hi, sweetie!" " Oh, there you are, honey." "Mwah." "Mwah." "You seem to have caught us at a very awkward moment..." "Rusty!" "Rusty Washington!" "Oh, my God!" " Alonzo?" "Hey, buddy!" " Hey!" "You know Darius?" "Yeah, we went to college together, but I know him as Rusty." "When did you switch to Darius?" "It's my middle name." "See, I'm a dentist, and it seems that people are a little leery of a dentist named Rusty." "Hilarious!" "Yeah, we were fraternity brothers toge..." "Oh, God." "And we did have a silly handshake." "And we did go to meetings." "And our frat house should have been condemned!" "Crystal, I'm so sorry." "Big mistake." "Wait." "Not so fast, though." "What about the "societal stigmas" of being in "that" kind of a relationship?" "You know..." "Older women, younger men." "Alonzo is ten years older than me." "Oof!" "Duh." "Okay, everyone, listen up!" "Let's hear a nice round of applause for Ben and his great idea for an ice cream party!" "Chocolate and vanilla?" "Wow." "That makes up for everything." "I told you this was not going to work." "Hmm." "Giving my employees ice cream has always cheered them up in the past." "Or was that health care benefits?" "Toffee bits!" "Look, maybe this is the way it has to be, you know?" "Maybe I'm kidding myself that I could be friends with people who work for me." "Well, you know, you got to know their names." "But you didn't really get to know 'em." "Ugh." "That seems so hard." "Well, you did it with me, and I'm your friend." "Yeah." "I..." "I guess so." "And I'm a handful." "So I bet, you know, you can do it again." "Yeah, okay." "Just don't watch me do it." "Uh, good night." "Good night." "So you got anything going on this weekend?" "Oh, man." "Both my kids are sick, and my wife's out of town." "It's just me." "Oh, no." "No, no, no." "I'm not asking you to work." "Oh, good." "I don't have kids or a wife." "Gonna get drunk, race go-carts." "Okay." "Well, that sounds fun." "Maybe sometime you and I can..." " Oh, man." "Both my kids are sick..." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Hey, Ben." "Maybe sometime." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " See you on Monday." " See you on Monday, Ro..."