"(mysterious piano music) (rhythmic thrumming)" "(water splashing)" "(door creaking)" "(metal wheels creaking)" "(thrumming melody)" "(door chime beeping)" "(lyrical chanting)" "(deep bass music)" "(rhythmic grunting)" "(guttural groan)" "(food sizzling)" " [Woman] Cornelius, come get your dinner." "(low thrumming melody)" "(agonized groaning)" "(low orchestral music)" "Cornelius." "(urine splashing)" "Cornelius, are you deaf?" "What in the hell do you think you're doing?" "Cornelius!" "(growling)" "Oh, oh, Cornelius!" "What are you doing?" "What the hell!" "Cornelius!" "(terrified cries)" "No, no, no, no, no!" "(fighting cries)" "(screaming)" "(aggressive grunting)" "(both yelling breathily)" "(deep guttural growling)" "(muted warbles)" "(forceful cry) (pained groan)" "(fearful utterances)" "(deep vibrating tones)" "(breathing heavily)" "(forceful yell)" "(blood squelching)" "(whimpering cries)" "(both screaming)" "(wet squelching)" "(sustained yowl)" "(breathy grunts)" "(suspenseful orchestral melody)" "(low growls)" "(heavy thud) (brakes squeal)" "(crashing thud)" "(car hissing)" " Was that a bear?" " I think it was a man." " A Man-bear?" " No, just a man." " Oh m' God, oh m' God." " Goddammit, Woody." "I thought you said you was straight to drive, man." "(muted grunt) (metallic thumps)" "(suspenseful violin)" " What was that?" " I think it's under the truck." "(swelling violin melody)" " This is just like that movie, where they ran over that dude and they thought they killed 'im, but they didn't, and then he came back next summer and then he killed them." "Shit, that's gonna happen to us." "We're gonna die!" " Goddammit, Woody, we ain't gonna die." "Now back this fuckin' truck up, so we can get can get the fuck outta here." "(swelling violin melody)" "(heavy thud)" " [Woody] What the fuck?" "Fuck this." " Yes, Sir." "(repetitive percussive melody)" "(ethereal vocalization)" "(deep growl)" "(strident screeching tones)" " [Christine Voiceover] With a long-anticipated senior year around the corner," "I think it's time to join the secret society of sleep addicts." "Who'm I kidding?" "I dream loudly, but I have to buckle down if I want to get into a good college." "I don't wanna jinx myself." "Forget school for now." "After today, it's officially beach week and I can't wait." "I'm going with my BFF since grade school, Carrie and her stupe-ass boyfriend, Freddy." " Spring break, bitches." " [Christine Voiceover] I swear, one day," "I hope he knocks himself out doing that pose." "(laughter)" " Have a seat, Fredrick." " [Freddy] Yes, ma'am." "Hey, buddy." "(light thud) (laughter)" " [Christine Voiceover] Then there's Jason." "He's my half-cousin." "Which doesn't stop him from trying to put the moves on me." "Barf." "(laughter)" "(scoffs) Brooklyn, my other BFF, Samara's douche-boyfriend." "He moved here in the sixth grade but still claims New York." "Ew, I wish he would move back." "Which brings me to Samara, she's in geometry, probably chewing gum and playing with her hair." "So, pen's off to you, dear journal, let's make this one black, white, red and awesome." "(bell clanging) All over." "(students chattering)" " Okay, class, settle down." "I want you to spend the remainder of the class reading Chapter 13 on moving proteins into membranes." " I've got some protein that needs moving." "(tittering)" " You can move yourself to the Principal's office, if you like." "That's what I thought." "Now begin reading, class." "(muted traffic)" "(engine roars) ("Mean Motherfucker Blues")" "¶ I woke up one morning" "¶ And I kicked my dog" "¶ I beat my neighbor's head in" "¶ With a big maple log" "¶ Then I called his big fat hairy wife" "¶ A big fat hairy slob" "¶ I had the blues" "¶ The mean motherfucker blues" "Yes, Pamela?" " May I be excused to the restroom?" "Hey soldier." " Hey, you." " Miss me?" " Oh, a little." " You ass." " Okay, okay." "I missed you." " Get me the fuck out of here." "(car revs)" "Fuck school!" "(whooping) (laughter)" " Quiet down." "(phone vibrates)" "(bell rings)" " [Christine] What happened?" " I should have dumped his ass a long time ago." " [Christine] What did he do this time?" " Don't cock-block me at the beach?" " You have gotta go, it's not gonna be the same without you." " [Samara] No chance." " {Carrie] Hey, Christine." " Hey." " Did you talk to Samara?" " Yeah, she's not coming." " How many times is she gonna put up with his shit?" " A million." " I hope that kid falls." " [Brooklyn] Yo." "Smell this." " [Freddy] Dank" " Stank killah killah." " [Jason] Can I smell?" " These aren't cut up Twinkies, Jason." "Fuckin' lard ass." " Oh my God, what the fuck is he doing here?" "What's he doing here?" "Samara's not coming." " [Freddy] I told him he could still come." " Why do you do that?" " Because he has the weed." "Get off my nuts." "(swelling orchestral melody)" "(knocking)" " Hello?" "(discordant chime)" "(glass crashing)" "(choking)" "(muted thud)" "(meandering orchestral music)" " Bathroom?" " [Clerk] It's around back." " Woody, Woody." "Woody, Woody." " What now?" " Hey man." "Go pay for petrol, man." " This isn't enough to get to Mexico on." "(bottles clanking)" "(water gurgles)" "(fuel pump clicking)" " Hey, asshole, what the fuck you lookin' at?" "(doors slam)" "(engine turns over)" "(car revs)" "(swelling string orchestral)" "(loud aggressive growls)" "(retching)" "(sustained growling)" "(splashing)" "(bottles clinking)" " Let's get the fuck out of here." " What the fuck'd you do, Woody?" " Road beers." " Oh shit." "(engine turns over) (whoops)" "(scratchy orchestral music)" "(water gurgling)" "(loud sniffing)" "(gurgling chomps)" "(staccato violin)" " [Male GPS] Continue on this route for 87 miles." " Yo, can that GPS tell us where we could get some dank nugs?" " (scoffs) I wish." " So, what's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you get to the beach?" " I'm gonna get fuckin' drunk." " I can't wait to just lay out." " Me too and take a dip in the ocean." " Yeah, I can't wait to part that mother-fucker." " Yeah, swim, for sure." " You gonna swim with your shirt on again, Jason?" " What, I get sunburned easy." " Yeah, it's not 'cause of your mits?" " Mits?" " Yeah, man tits." "(giggling)" " Shut up, Freddy." "I told you I was born with an extra thyroid." " And two stomachs like a cow." " Cows have four stomachs, dumb ass." " Don't be jealous 'cause Jason has bigger tits than you." " Fuck you, Freddy." " Don't be a dick." " What?" " Cool, weed." "What, I can get down." " Hey, so, why did Samara bail again?" " Oh, she had crabs, she didn't wanna give it to everybody." "(laughing)" " Smart ass." " [Christine] Yeah, right." " Yeah, I need to take you small-town peeps to BK, show you how we get down for real, for real." " Yeah, I could go for a Whopper." " No, man, I'm talkin' about Brooklyn, fool." " I thought you said you were from Syracuse." " Well, yeah, I mean I am but I hung out in Brooklyn a lot." "That's where my cousins stay at." " Aren't they like, really far apart?" "Like hundreds of miles?" " Yeah, I live like right on the line." "What are you, The Riddler or somethin'?" "Stop asking' me so many questions." "I'm tryin' to roll this blunt." "You know, this shit right here is the truth." " What the fuck?" " Oh, shit, what." "Yo, this dude got a hard-on, yo." " No, I don't." " Fuckin' perv." " Gross!" " What, I don't even know what you guys are talking about." " I have to go to the bathroom." "(slow suspenseful orchestral melody)" "(glass crunches)" "(splats)" "(dog barking)" "(low growl)" "(thumping rock melody)" "(growling)" "(doors slamming)" " [Brooklyn] Hey, Jason, bring me back a sweet tea." " Hi, where is your bathroom?" " Who wants to know?" " Uh, me?" "I really need to use your bathroom, miss." " It's around back, darlin'." " {Carrie] Thank you." " Honey, ain't you forgetting' somethin'?" "You need a key." " Oh." "Thanks." "(discordant orchestral music) (Carrie gasps)" " Don't you be goin' and flushing' your bloody tampons down that toilet and leavin' 'em all which-away, you throw 'em in the goddamn trash, you hear?" " Um, okay." " All you high school girls bleed like Dracula fucked" "Willy Wonka and formed a blood factory and slaughtered all those Oompa Loompas and made a buncha bloody Marys." "Vagina Coyote Uglies." "A lot of Draculas' wives went out on a night on the town and went to a bachelor party and all had their periods at the same time." " Yes, ma'am." "Oh my God." "What the fuck?" " [Freddy] Alright, you guys ready?" " [Jason] Just zooming' out." " This is so fucked up Freddy." " Shut up or I'm gonna get you next." " [Jason] Ready." "(Freddy grunts)" "(flatulence)" " [Freddy] (chuckles) There it is." " [Christine] You better not get me this time." " You're safe, for now." "(slaps)" "(low percussive music)" " {Carrie] Fuck." "(sighs)" "(music swells)" " What the fuck is she doing?" "Dropping the kids off at the pool and giving them swimming lessons?" " You're so gross." "(gasps)" "(crickets chirping)" "(door slams)" "(urine tinkling)" "(phone vibrating)" " That fucking bitch!" "I knew I couldn't fucking trust her." "Goddammit, I knew it!" "(frustrated growl)" "Just relax, Dirk, you don't wanna Hulk out." "It's been six weeks since you've been laid, just, just be cool." " Hey." " Hey." " What's wrong, you look like somebody killed your cat." " Cat?" "I don't have a fucking cat." "Are you mistaking me for someone else?" " It's an expression, what's your problem?" "(tense violin ensemble)" " Express this, bitch." "(weapon fires)" " Hello, Dirk?" " Cat?" "I'm a fucking dog person, don't you know me at all?" "(low suspenseful orchestral music)" "(sniffing)" "(snuffling growls)" "(retching)" " Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?" " Pull over!" " Oh, my God, Carrie!" "Freddy, pull over." "(gravel crunching)" "(strident orchestral melody)" " {Carrie] Oh, fuck!" "(retching)" " [Freddy] Oh, what did you eat?" " [Christine] Shut up, Freddy." " [Brooklyn] Oh, Shit!" "(retching)" " Maybe she just needs to eat some grass or something." " Really, Freddy?" " Well, that's what my dog does when his stomach gets upset." "(tense orchestral melody) (measured growls)" " [Christine] You don't look bad." " {Carrie] I feel better." " [Christine] Are you sure?" " Yeah, I think it was just something I ate." "School cafeteria, I don't know." " Yeah, looks like Friday's corn dogs." " [Christine] Let's get out of here." " [Freddy] Why don't you shut up, Jason?" "(music swelling)" "(growling)" "(engine roars)" "(quiet thrumming melody)" "(soft string melody)" "(low indistinct growl)" "(metal can scraping)" "(screeching suspenseful melody)" "(heavy thumping rock music) (demonic vocalization)" "(slapping thud)" "(aggressive growl) (bone cracking)" "(aggressive growls)" "(gentle rain) (low orchestral score)" " Holy shit-hole." "Alright, Jason, let's go." " For what?" " Because I said." "I have something important to tell you." " No you don't, you're just gonna tell me something dumb when we get in there." " Guys, just go." " Yeah, go, Freddy." " Get the fuck outta the car." " Okay, God." " Hey, how are you feeling?" "Better, just having some major cramps." "Are you starting?" "No, I already had it." "Yeah, baby, choke me." "Come on, baby." "Go easy, baby, not so tight." "That was hot." "You never got kinky like that, baby." "Are you on the rag?" "Yeah, sorry." "We've done it when I'm ragging before." "Not with me." "(creepy instrumental)" "(xylophone dinging)" " [Clerk] What can I do you for?" " [Freddy] We'd like two rooms." " King size it is." "Smoker or non?" " No, we'd like two rooms." " Two rooms?" "Are you guys with another couple?" " No, they're for us." " Well, you know those don't connect, right?" " We're not gay." " Weren't you holdin' his dick on the way in?" "Because I don't like cleaning blood off the sheets" "And shit off the ceilings." " No, sir." " Okay, two non-gay rooms." "That'll be 69.35." "(melody swells)" "(slow suspenseful instrumental)" "Check-out is 11 a.m." "You wanna lick my balls?" " What?" " Do you wanna lick my balls?" " Excuse me, sir, one more time?" " I said do you want a wake-up call." " Oh, no, we're good." " [Clerk] You're all set." "Those rooms are at the end of the building on the left." " Thank you." " Oh, and guys?" "Enjoy your stay." " Thanks." "Hey, look, I know we got two beds, but why don't you go ahead and sleep out in the car, buddy?" " What?" "No." "I paid for one of those rooms." " Come on, I'm just tryin' to get some alone time with Carrie." " No, man, forget that." "Plus, dude, she smells like corn dogs and throw up." " Just gimme 10 minutes, I'll wave you in when I'm done." " No, man, I'm tired." " How about I break off your butt plug?" " Alright, fine, 10 minutes, Freddy." "(sign buzzing) (suspenseful instrumental)" " [Brooklyn] We at the beach yet?" " No, we're stopping for the night." "Jason, what are you doing?" " I think he wants to jerk off or somethin'." " No, Freddy said I had to sleep in the car so he could have sex with Carrie." " You fat fuck." " You're unbelievable." " You are such a dick, Freddy." "(pained grunt)" " Now see what you made me do?" "And if I see you step one foot inside that room, I will fuck you up." "(frustrated growl)" " (scoffs) Freddy!" " What, I'm not doin' nothin'." "Babe, are you still upset because of what fat-ass said?" "'Cause I'll kick his ass if you want me to." "What, I will, for you." "I'm not gonna let anyone disrespect my girl." " {Carrie] Oh, come on, Freddy." " No, I'm for real." "You can't let little punks like that get to you." "Throughout your life you're gonna come across people who constantly wanna knock you down because you're a good person." "I know, because I'm good people." " Freddy, I'm not having sex with you." " What sex?" "That's the furthest thing from my mind." "Unless you want to." " {Carrie] No, I don't feel well." " Babe, I got blue balls." " Good, I hope they fall off." " How can you say that?" "Our twins are in there, Fredrick the second and Fredrina." " I'm sick here." "Are you seriously still talking?" "There's no such thing as blue balls, it's just something guys say to get laid." " It's not just blue balls, the men in my family have a long history of producing 10 times the amount of testosterone of the average Greek God or gorilla." "We have to have sex every day, preferably 10 times a day." " Yeah, so you've told me." " Then you know it could be leading to explosive penis syndrome." "Rumor has it the last Pope died from it." " Freddy, if you don't get the fuck out of my face with that shit, you'll be lucky to get any this trip." "(tense violin music)" " Your fuckin' loss, bitch." "Can I at least jerk off on your ass?" " Get out!" "(crickets chirping)" " Fuckin' blue balls." "(heavy breathing)" " [Clerk] You alright, boy?" " Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just takin' a leak." "Our bathrooms smells kinda funny." " Well, you know if you shake it more than three times, you're playin' with it." " Yeah, I've heard that." "But I'm only on the second shake, so I'm good." " Okay." "(engine turns over)" " Yes, right there, right there." "Carrie, come here, get on my left testicle." "Oh, clever girl, oh, just like that." "(moans)" "Jason, get the fuck out." "Carrie, oh, yeah." "Goddamn charlie horse." "(metallic clang)" "(slow melodic instrumental)" "(frustrated growl)" "(sustained growling) (thrumming heavy instrumental)" "(screaming)" " Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah, Carrie!" "There's someone or something out there." "I think she wanted my shoes." "Are you okay?" " Why?" "Do I not look okay?" " No you, you look great." "Your hair is pretty." " I need you to do me a favor." " Yeah, what?" " I want you to fuck me as hard as you can." " What?" " I want you to fuck me as hard as you can." " Fuck it." "(toilet flushing)" "(water splashing)" " Why are you smoking that in here?" " To get rid of the smell of sex." " It doesn't smell like sex in here." "(static hissing)" " Not yet." " I'm not having sex with you." " Aight, aight, aight, how 'bout a nice blow job for a big red apple?" " What?" "Ew, no." " So you'll do it for free, then?" " Are you stupid?" "We're not hooking up." " Okay, Sherlock, why do you think we are conveniently here in the same room together?" " This was supposed to be me and Samara's room." " And Samara invited me." " And you and Samara aren't together anymore." " That's why she ain't here." "(TV static)" " City was better the first time." " But I hear Pat's, like shakin' and shit." " [TV Actor] You couldn't hear that 300 pound hit on top of the hood." " [TV Actor] Fuck you" " [TV Actor] Move your big ass mother-fucker." "(bed squeaking noisily)" "(phone buzzing) (muted TV voices talking)" " [TV Actor] Well, look, for real?" "They say that a little bit." " [TV Actor] What?" "Man, fuck her." " Who are you texting?" "(TV dialog droning)" " Just one of my friends." " Mmhm." "Guy or girl?" " Girl." "She's sending me pics of her new puppy." " Oh really?" " Yeah." " Lemme see." " I had to delete it, my in-box was full." "(sighs)" "Are you being jealous?" " Fuck this." " What the fuck is wrong with you?" " When you say puppy, do you really mean big fat dick?" " I don't even know what you're talking about." " Oh, really?" " Really." " I saw the pictures on your phone, Pam." " You went through my phone?" "How crazy are you?" " Not crazy enough to be with you." "(door slams)" " Fucker." "Dirk, you better get back here, you pussy or I'm never gonna fuck you again." " I've had better sex in boot camp." " Dirk." "(screams) (tense orchestral music)" "(slams)" "(growling) (screaming)" "(violin screeching)" " Damn, boy, you like you're a fart away from shitting' yourself." " [Dirk] I'm sorry, sir." " Everything all right with your room?" " Yeah, room's fine, it's just the bitch that's in it." " Hey, dickbag." " Excuse me?" " You got a bloody hitchhiker riding with you." "Hold still while I flick it off." "(squelching)" " Thanks." " [Clerk] Don't mention it." "(screaming)" "(squishing thud)" "(splattering)" "(screaming)" "(slurping chomps)" "(rhythmic groans)" " Fuck me." " [Jason] I am." " Fuck me!" " I am!" "(rhythmic groans)" "Carrie?" "Carrie?" "Carrie?" "(frightened groans)" "Oh, what the fuck?" "(wet chomping) (screaming)" "Oh, fuck!" "(screaming)" "(groans)" " Oh, fuck." "Oh, yeah." "Right there, oh, this is awesome." "Yeah." "(heavy breathing)" " I was wonderin' when you were gonna come to." " Oh, what the fuck?" " That's a pretty nice goose egg you got on your noggin." "Why don't you put your peter back in your pants?" "Follow your chicken-chokin' ass with me and I'll have the missus fix you up." " No, I'm alright, man." "(creepy instrumental)" "What the fuck." "Carrie?" "What's up with the lights?" "Carrie?" "Oh, there you are." "And you're naked." "What a nice surprise." "You been waitin' for me?" "(whimpers)" "What can daddy do for you?" "I know." "Freddy will fix you right up." "Oh, yeah." "I've been waitin' for this all week." "You're a little dry." "I'm gonna be wettin' you up with my tongue." "(slurping)" "You're a bit stinky tonight baby, but, I love it when you're stinky." "Some of your dinner slipped down into your lunchbox, babe, but I love peanuts, too." "(slurping)" "Man, your clit is so swollen it's like two clits." "And a banana." "Let me get little Freddy in there," "I mean big Freddy in there, now." "You're a little extra tight, baby." "(groaning)" "Oh, yeah." "Fuck." "Ah, this feels good." "Fuck." "(groaning)" "Oh, shit." "Oh, shit." "Oh, fuck." "I'm gonna have to hit you up on the recharge." "(moaning)" " Brooklyn, I invited Samara, she invited you." "You two aren't together anymore, yet, you're here and she's not." "Do you understand what I'm saying?" " So, what you're saying is." "I make you feel safe." " What?" "Where would you get an idea like that?" " It's aight, it's aight, I know what you meant." "I'll protect you." "You see these?" "These are considered deadly weapons." "They are registered in all 65 states." "I shouldn't even be wearin' these right now." "Why you think I had to move out of Brooklyn?" "'Cause I was banned." "You wanna know what my warrior name was?" "Big Fat Dick Deadly Hands." "I can't even jerk off with these bad boys no mo'." " [Christine] I'm going for a walk." " Cool, can you bring me back a sweet tea and some Ginger Snaps?" " Yeah, sure." "(soft snoring)" " Oh, yeah, baby." "Oh, you still got a good grip on me." "Feels like someone's ready for round two." "(groaning)" "Oh, fuck." "You like that, baby?" "Yeah, you do like that." "Oh." "Okay, I'm gonna go again." "Oh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah." "Oh." "(kisses)" "Okay." "Carrie?" "Come on." "Come on, loosen up, Carrie." "Come on, I can't pull it out." "Carrie, come on." "Come on, you gotta let go." "Carrie?" "What the hell?" "(sinister orchestral music)" "Oh, what the fuck?" "Oh, no no no no no no." "Fuck you fat faggy fuck." "Come on, come on." "Get off me, you fat, fat, fuck." "(heavy thud)" "Oh, no, no no no no, get the fuck off me, you fat, fat, fuck." "Fuck, no, no no no no no." "No, no, no." "(bill changer whirring)" "(sighs)" "(banging)" "(bangs)" "(soda clatters)" " Thanks." " [Dirk] You're welcome." " Broke stranger with manners?" " I'm just trying to change the rogue strangers are bad rep." " I'm sorry, are you hitting on me?" " What?" " You're Pamela's boyfriend, aren't you?" " I was." "But I just found out she's been cheating on me." "(soda clatters)" " God, I'm sorry." "I feel like such an idiot." " No, it's cool." "Don't worry about it." " Wait." "I'm Christine." " I'm Dirk." " So are you headed to the beach, or" " I was." "Not so sure now, though." "You?" " Yeah, me and my BFF." " That's cool." " Um." "So you're in the Army, right?" " Yeah, I was, up 'til a couple weeks ago." "It's a long story, bad ending." " You're really on quite the roll, aren't you Dirk?" " (chuckles) Yeah, that's for sure." " You wanna talk about it?" " Mm, no, that's cool." " I won't judge you." " Okay." " Were you overseas?" " No, local." "I just got outta boot camp and realized it wasn't really my thing." " No?" " Na, that's more or less my dad's dream." "Did you know, on average, 12 people a year die from vending machines falling on them?" " Do vending machines just randomly fall onto people?" " Oh, no." "Most of the time, people just get pissed." "They lose their money or their snack and they shake it." "The other ones are random, though." "Like, fluke earthquakes." " And why are you putting your vending machine expertise on display for me?" "Are you trying to impress a girl?" " Well, dangerous vending machine, dark motel, late at night." "Shouldn't you have your boyfriend take care of this?" " Well, I don't have a boyfriend." " Oh, no?" " [Christine] No." " Cool." " (laughing) So you are hitting on me." " What if I was?" " That depends." "Are you a psychotic rapist?" " What if I was?" "(laughing)" "I mean, no, no, I'm nothin' like that at all." " I don't think you would tell me if you were." " No, no, I'd say something." "Psychotic rapists take a solemn oath." " Well, Dirk, go ahead and hit on me." "See where it takes you." " Alright." "(soda bubbles noisily)" "Oh, oh, I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "(groaning)" " Goddamn, you are one hefty motherfucker." "Oh." "(heavy breathing)" "What the fuck?" "(loud wailing growling)" "Get the fuck off me!" "(snarling)" "Get the fuck off." "(gas hissing)" "(choking)" "Lights out." "(snarls) (electricity crackles)" "This is the worst spring break, ever." " [Christine] So, after I graduate," "I'm gonna go to veterinarian school." " [Dirk] Oh, so you like animals?" " [Christine] No, I hate them." "Duh." "My dad's a vet, too." " Oh, your dad was in the war?" " Shut up, Dirk." "(laughing)" "But yeah, I'm a bit of a daddy's little girl." " Oh, well, I'm a bit of a daddy's girl, too." " You are such a smart ass." " Okay, okay, cut it out." "No, me, I'm more of a momma's boy." " What does your dad think about you leaving the Army?" " Well, he doesn't know I left." "He thinks I graduated, he even bought me a gun as a graduation present." "Just really haven't had the heart to tell him I left." " Well, I'm sure he'll understand." " So, are you a cat or dog person?" " Well, I love all animals, but since you're so eager to categorize me, I would have to say I'm a cat person." " Oh, lame." " What?" " No, you cat people, you're just weird." " We are not." " (Scoffs) No?" " No." " No, really, you are." "Did you know, on average, that 12 old ladies a year die by their cats?" "Eaten alive." " Here's the stats man again." " No, really, I'm serious." "I'm not talking about the ones who just horde like 78 of them in their single-wide trailer." "Sometimes, it's the ones that just have one or two of 'em." "They forget to feed 'em one night and the the next thing you know, bam!" "(squealing laugh)" "(hisses) Kitten chow." "And you cat people are notoriously violent." " No." " Yes." "And another thing, cats are just so dumb." "Now dogs, that is a smart animal." " Cats are way smarter than dogs." " Oh, really?" " Mmhm." " And how many drug-sniffing cats have you heard of?" " 12." " Oh." "(high-pitched scream)" "What was that?" " Sounded like it was Carrie." "(female scream)" "(screaming)" "(screams)" " Carrie?" " Stay with me." "(screams)" "(screechy jangling music)" "(thud)" " Dirk!" " I'm sorry!" "It, it was a reaction." "Fuck, run!" "Go!" " Get the keys, get the keys, get the keys." "Quickly, go, go, go, go, go." " Alright, alright, alright!" "(murderous screech)" "Shit." "(wailing)" " [Christine] What are you doing?" "Oh my God!" "(garbled screaming)" " Yo, zombie bitch." "(epic orchestral music)" "(weapon fires)" " Carrie what happened to you?" "You were my BFF." "Why?" "Why?" " Something tells me she's not your friend anymore." " What the fuck is going on?" " I don't think we should stick around to find out." "(enraged growling) (Christine screaming)" "Fuck!" " Dirk, Dirk!" "(Dirk yelling) (Christine screaming)" "(thudding bass music)" " No, no, no!" "Ah, God." "Get off!" "(weapon fires)" "(weapon fires)" "(heavy beathing)" " [Christine] Are you okay?" " Yeah, I think so." "Are you okay?" " No, what the hell is going on and why wouldn't that guy just die?" " I don't know." " My God, I'm calling the police." "Hi, yes, police?" "You gotta send someone quick." "My best friend just tried to kill me." "I think it's something she ate or she's on her period." "(zipper zips)" "The Redwood Motel." "Christine." "Yes, please, hurry." " Have you seen my keys?" " Oh, Carrie." "(low thrumming percussion)" " Come on, come to daddy." " Oh, Carrie." "(soft sobbing)" "(malignant violin melody)" " Wha, no no no, no no!" " Dirk!" "(aggressive growls)" "(pained grunt)" " Carrie, please let go of me." "Carrie, please let go of me." "(pained grunts)" "(thudding orchestral music)" "(soft cries)" " Kick her in the vag." "(squelching)" "(whimpering cries)" "(wet squelch)" "(thud)" "(epic instrumental with vocalization)" "(weapon fires)" "(distressed cries)" "(weapon fires)" "(sobbing whimpers)" " Are you okay?" " No!" "(music swells)" " [Dirk] Fuck." "Go, go, go, go." " Yo, shorty, where's my Ginger Snaps?" " Brooklyn, I'm gonna need you to listen to me very carefully." " Who the fuck invited John McClain?" "And what's with the burner, John." " It's for protection." "And you need to listen to your friend." " Yo, only pussies carry guns." "You see these right here?" "Yo, you see these?" " Brooklyn!" "Carrie's dead and she's trying to kill us." " Who the fuck is Carrie?" " She's still out there." " Are you guys for real?" " No bullshit." " Take a look for yourself." "(suspenseful thrumming music)" " I don't see no dead bitch." "(discordant thudding instrumental)" "Fuck, fuck, oh, what the fuck?" "Get me out, get the fuck out." "(arguing screams)" " Hey, relax!" "We have to stay calm, alright?" " And who the fuck are you?" " I'm the guy that's gonna save your ass." "Call me Dirk." " What?" "Is this guy for real?" "(gravel crunching)" "(ominous instrumental)" " [Officer] Hey, dispatch?" "What was the address on that location, again?" " [Dispatcher] 713 Brandel Road, so roger that." " [Officer] Yeah, roger that, I'm on location." "I don't see any signs of disturbance." "(low growling)" " Come on, come on, little Freddy, let's get outta here." "Yeah, I'm not gay, I'm not gay, this could happen to anybody, right?" "Oh, what am I gonna tell my priest?" "Oh, fuck." "(banging on door)" "Who is it?" " [Officer] Police, open up." " Really?" " [Officer] Yeah, really, open the door." " Just a minute." " [Officer] Sir, open the door." " [Freddy] Just one more second." " [Officer] Open the door, now." "Open the door, now!" " I'm kinda busy right now." "If you'll leave your name, your number at the tone," "I'll be sure to get back to you as soon as possible, beep." " [Officer] Alright, sir, I'm gonna give you a count of three and then I'm gonna kick the door in." "One." " Hold on, one minute." " [Officer] Two." "Three!" "(door clangs)" "What's goin' on in here?" " Nothin' man, we were just sleepin'." " Sir." " Sir, he's dead tired." "(sighs)" "(sniffs) (clears throat)" "Why are you guys so close together?" " Um, we just finished, you know." " (chuckling) You guys from like California or something?" " No, man, we're just headed towards the beach and we just stopped here for the night." " Yeah, well what happened to your head?" " I got caught on a zipper?" " Did you guys hear any other kind of noises or anything?" "Like screams or somethin'?" " [Freddy] Besides us?" "No, not really." " Well, how 'bout you keep it down, then, huh?" " Yes, Sir, thank you." "(Jason moans)" " What was that?" " Nothin', he's just having a bad dream." "Isn't that right, baby?" "(kisses) Oh, come on, go to sleep." " You guys just be safe." " You too, sir, have a good night." "How could I think your balls were two clits?" "(suspenseful string music)" " Freeze!" " Thank God, officer." " Why don't you put that gun down, right now." " Yo, he's Dirk." " Quiet!" " Your gun, sir." " Okay." "I'm putting it down." " We're the ones that called you, Sir." " [Dirk] Nice and easy, here you go." " [Christine] Someone or something is trying to kill us." " Back away slowly." "Keep your hands where I can see 'em." " Why aren't you listening to us?" " Miss." "Hands where I can see 'em." "(whistles)" "Hey, Dispatch." " Sir?" " [Dispatcher] Go for dispatch." " Dispatch, yeah, I'm over at the motel and I don't know what the hell's goin' on over here." "Yeah." "Miss!" "Back up, stay vertical." " Zombies is what's going on!" "You mother-fucking prick." "So tell them to send for the fucking SWAT team and bring your mother-fucking Army." " Christine?" " And, between all of those fucks, tell them to pray for a fucking miracle that I don't shove a fireball up your ass!" " Christine!" " What!" " Young lady, do not move!" " Sir?" " This" " Sir?" " What?" " Behind you." "(music swells)" " What the fuck?" "(rhythmic breathing)" "Yo, put that shit away." "(measured growling)" " Hey, freeze!" "(sustained growl)" "(officer screaming)" " I'm never jerking off again." "(officer screaming)" "(flesh sizzling)" "(Freddy grunting)" " Oh, what the fuck?" "What the fuck, this sucks so bad." "Worst spring break, ever." "(suspenseful orchestral music)" "Jason, what the fuck dude?" "What the fuck?" "Stop." "What the fuck." "No." "Jason, what the fuck, man?" "(strident musical vocalization)" "Jason, what the fuck are you doin' man?" "Jason, stop." "Jason." "No, Jason!" "You will not go out that door." "No, I will not be seen like this." "No!" "Stop it!" "You're not gonna make me gay!" "No, Jason, stop!" "Stop!" "(forceful grunting)" "Ah, I'm not gonna die like this." "I'm not gonna die like this." "(pained grunts)" "(bones cracking)" " [Dirk] Come on" " Come on, the keys, the keys." "Come on, the keys!" "I'm fucked!" "(muted screams) (ferocious yowls)" "(weapon firing)" "(glass squeaking)" "(thuds)" " Run!" "Run!" "(snarling) (weapon firing)" "(pained grunts)" "(thrumming percussive music)" "(whimpering)" " Wake up!" "Pam?" "(slow piano melody)" "(squelching chomp) (struggling groans)" "(stomping thuds)" "(terrified whimpers)" "(muted footsteps)" "(aggressive growl)" "(discordant instrumental melody)" "(demonic vocalization)" "(choking)" "(squelching flesh)" " Fuck me." " You've been fucked." "(weapon fires)" "(hysterical whimpers)" "(metallic thud)" "(horrified whimpers)" " You okay?" " Yeah." "(rattling)" "(wet squelch)" "Thank you." " You know, it's a good night for America." " What?" "(metallic clang)" "(pained groans)" "(weapon fires)" "(water running)" "(metallic clang)" "(squelch)" "(creepy jangling instrumental)" "(muffled screams)" "(muffled screams)" " Now, I don't know what you kids want here, but I like it." "I feel you." "(maniacal laughter)" "You know what I could go for right now?" "I could go for some fresh finger food." "(screams increasing)" "How 'bout you, honey?" " One each!" " Everybody sucks." "(screaming increases)" "What the hell?" "(furious growling)" "(squelches)" " Shoot him in the brains!" "(weapon fires)" "Shoot him in the other brain." "(weapon fires)" "(long pained groan)" "(inhuman lyrical groaning)" "(wet squelch)" "Come on!" "(triumphant instrumental)" "(electronic buzz)" "C'mon, gimme the keys, go!" "Let's check the fuck out." "(suspenseful orchestral melody)" " [Both] No, no, no." "(growling) (screaming)" " Fuck you, bitch." "(pained screaming)" "(heavy percussive orchestration)" " Penis, penis, penis, I want penis." "Penis in my butt, I want penis in my butt, in my" "(thuds)" " Fucker!" "(screaming)" "(both screaming)" "(uptempo violin melody)" " I wanna go home." " I'll drive." "(doors slam)" "(mellow instrumental)" "(jangling discord)" "(mellow guitar)" " Hey, I just wanted to say thank you." " You're welcome" "And hey, thanks for ah" "(kissing)" "(hawk cries)" "Oh my God!" " What?" "What is it?" "(ominous melody)" "What did you do to me?" " I didn't know!" "I must be immune." " Stay away from me!" " Christine!" "Christine!" " Stay away from me, you stay a" "(screeching thud)" " Are you one a them?" "Are you one of them?" " No." " [Woody] Oh, shit!" "(weapons firing)" "Was she one of them?" "She was pretty." " Yeah, she was." " Where you headed?" " South." "That's where my family is." " We just came from south, man, it's fuckin' chaos." " Fuckers are everywhere." " Is there anyone left?" " A few." "Where you goin'?" " South." " [Eugene] Didn't you hear what we just said, man?" "Ain't nothin' down there." " I'll take my chances." " [Eugene] What exactly do you think you gonna do?" " Earth just Googled hero, and I came up number one." "What the" "(crunch)" "¶ And there was nothin' left to do but die." "¶ But now I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ Through the crack in my coffin" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ And my soul is gonna be alright" "¶ Because I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ Through the crack in my coffin" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ And my soul is gonna be alright" "¶ I was already packed and all ready to go" "¶ When the reaper came a-callin" "¶ I was prayin' to the Lord" "¶ Please come and save my soul" "¶ While my body was a-thawin" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ And the worms are gonna feast" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ But I think I finally see the light" "¶ Oh yeah" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ Through the crack in my coffin" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ And my soul is gonna be alright" "¶ I was already packed and all ready to go" "¶ When the reaper came a-callin" "¶ I was prayin' to the Lord" "¶ Please come and save my soul" "¶ While my body was a thawing" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ And the worms are gonna feast" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ My body is deceased" "¶ But I think I finally see the light" "¶ Oh yeah" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ Through the crack in my coffin" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ And my soul is gonna be all right" "¶ Yeah" "¶ I was already packed and all ready to go" "¶ When the reaper came a-callin'" "¶ I was prayin' to the Lord" "¶ Won't you come and save my soul" "¶ While my body was a-thawin'" "¶ Well they put me in the ground" "¶ They put me in the ground" "¶ The preacher said a prayer" "¶ As they were lowering' me down" "¶ They put me in the ground" "¶ They put me in the ground" "¶ But I think I finally see the light" "¶ Well, I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ Through the crack in my coffin" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ And my soul is gonna be alright" "¶ Because I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ Through the crack in my coffin" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ I think I see the light" "¶ And my soul is gonna be alright" "¶ And my soul is gonna be alright" "¶ And my soul" "("Mean Motherfucker Blues")" "¶ I woke up one mornin'" "¶ And I kicked my dog" "¶ I beat my neighbor's head in" "¶ With a big maple log" "¶ Then I called his big fat hairy wife" "¶ A big fat hairy slob" "¶ I had the blues" "¶ The mean motherfucker blues" "(guitar bridge)" "¶ I stole this car and I headed downtown" "¶ Saw the paperboy" "I ran that little bastard down" "Threw it in reverse" "And squashed his brains into the ground" "I had the blues" "The mean motherfucker blues" "I was doin' 90 and I heard that siren wail" "Cop pulls me over, says he's takin' me to jail"