"Wow." "Do you know what Ayatollah Khomeini's first name was?" "What?" "Ruhollah." "So?" "What'd you think it was?" "Ayatollah." "Ayatollah's not a name." "It's a title." "Pffft!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Did you just give me a 'Pffft'?" "Like I'm some kind of idiot for thinking that Ayatollah could be a first name?" "Ok, you're not an idiot." "It's just not a name, ok?" "Oh, really?" "It just so happens that I played high-school baseball with a guy named Ayatollah." "Really?" "Yep." "Ayatollah Rodriguez." "That's funny." "You never mentioned him before." "Really?" "I never mentioned Tollie?" "That's weird, 'cause we were pretty tight." "I actually took his sister Beth to the junior prom." "Doug, I'm gonna make you an offer, okay?" "Stop talking right now, and we can pretend this never happened." "I'm not gonna pretend my best friend from high school never happened." "Hello?" "Yes, hello." "This is, uh, Ayatollah Rodriguez." "Is my old high-school baseball friend, Doug, there?" "Oy." "Explain to me what I'm looking at?" "Before you judge me, let me walk you through it." "I settled in, I started eating, and then I realized I didn't have a place to put the bones." "I didn't want to put 'em on the sheets, 'cause you made it very clear you don't like that." "Long story short," "I've invented the shirt plate." "Doug, I left dinner for you in the refrigerator." "I didn't see it." "No?" "'Cause I labeled it "Doug's dinner. "" "Oh, I thought that said "Dog's dinner. "" "I figured you were surprising me with a puppy." "Come on." "This isn't funny." "You're telling me." "All day long, I thought I was getting a puppy." "Honey, you promised me you would stick to your diet." "Aren't you at all concerned about your health?" "I'll tell you what I am concerned about." "My blue cheese cup am empty." "Ow!" "Carrie!" "Look at this." "Low-fat mayo, cottage cheese, garden burgers, all untouched." "Why do I even bother buying this stuff?" "That's what I've been saying!" "Ow!" "You gotta find a new go-to move." "Doug, it's just so frustrating." "I mean over and over again, you promise me you're gonna lose weight, and then you actually do it, and then I'm so proud of you, and then every single time, without fail," "you fall off the wagon." "And then you eat the wagon." "Calm down." "I'll be fine." "Doug, you're not fine, okay?" "Your eating is out of control." "Would you back it off?" "Yeah, fine, fine." "I will back off." "Okay, 'cause I am tired of banging my head against the wall." "W" " You know what?" "Here, here." "Have cookies for dinner, okay?" "I give up." "I officially give up." "You happy?" "What are you doing?" "!" "You said you gave up!" "I'm telling you, Doug, as soon as I heard about this overeaters support group," "I had a really good feeling about it." "And I've got a bad feeling." "It's called hunger." "We just had a delicious dinner." "It was salmon." "Salmon's delicious." "The hell it is." "The only people who like salmon are bears." "Okay, Doug, you really need this group, okay?" "And, listen, you're gonna be meeting people who are struggling with the same things you are." "It's gonna be me and a roomful of big, fat losers!" "Now that is not true." "Okay, they may be big, but they are not losers." "I bet you they're really cool." "Yeah, that guy they had to cut out of his apartment, he's super cool." "Well, in a way, he was." "I mean we're talking about him right now." "And that's cool." "I don't want to do this, come on." "Honey, You have to go." "I don't." "You do." "Doug..." "Sometimes when you look at me," "I think you're seeing a giant pork chop with my head on it." "With your head on it?" "Get over yourself." "All right, go." "Is there even any dip?" "Okay, people, let's get started." "You there." "You're new." "What's your name?" "Me?" "Uh, Doug." "Welcome, Doug." "I'm Neil." "Please, join us." "Is this how to hem your own pants?" "No, Doug." "This is a group for men in abusive relationships." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I shouldn't be here." "I'll put these back." "Except for this one,'cause I put a thumb print in it already." "Doug, Yeah?" "We all know what you're going through." "You're scared." "You don't want to admit there's a problem, but you were brave enough to come here tonight." "Be brave enough to stay." "Really, I, uh" "I don't belong here." "We all felt that way at first, Doug." "Yeah, it's true." "So, why are you here tonight?" "You had doughnuts." "And who doesn't let you have doughnuts, Doug?" "My wife." "But the thing is" "Does she ever yell at you about eating doughnuts?" "Yeah." "Does it ever get physical?" "Hit you, slap you, throw things at you?" "Yesterday she... twisted my nipples." "And does all of her anger just make you want to eat more?" "Okay." "No, it's not okay, Doug." "But it's how you get by, isn't it?" "So you're saying... my overeating is..." "her fault." "I think that's what you're saying, Doug." "Then she comes in like hell on wheels," ""You're so fat!"" ""Don't eat that off your chest!" "I can't believe you're so fat!"" "She wonders why I gain weight." "I mean, maybe it's 'cause all the names she calls me." "You know." "Fatty." "Chunky." "Sir Eats-a-Lot." "So she starts yelling at the waiter." "Now..." "I can't look at the poor guy, and I... certainly can't look at her, so I look down at my plate." "Hello, jambalaya." "You won't twist my nipples, will you?" "Mr. Big-pants." "Fat Damon." "Enormo the clown." "Enormo." "You know what?" "My name is Doug." "Just Doug." "It's just Doug." "Hey, baby." "How'd it go tonight?" "It was good." "Have you been crying?" "A little." "You get into some stuff in there." "Oh, honey." "I am so proud of you." "Hey!" "Moron, watch where you're going!" "Magoo, mooooove!" "Friggin' idiot." "I really appreciate you checking up on me, Neil, but I'm doing all right." "Yeah, she's gonna be home any minute, so I can't stay on the phone much longer." "Yes." "No, I'll be at the meeting." "All right then." "I'll see you" "What's that?" "Oh, yeah." "I will not let the rage of others destroy the light in me." "Okay." "Hey, Doug, I'm just dropping off Arthur's bill, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation." "Are you an alcoholic?" "No." "Oh, me, neither." "So, w" " What was that all about?" "Oh, it's a, uh, long story, but it turns out it's Carrie's anger that makes me eat so much." "No!" "Yeah, I was surprised, too." "Wow." "How about that?" "This whole time, she had me convinced it was my fault, but my support group helped me realize that Carrie's bad temper is the problem." "She drives me straight into the loving arms of food." "Maybe that's what happened with my brother and his wife." "Except that she drove him straight into the loving arms of their nanny." "I'm gonna kill our pharmacist!" "Oh, God." "Come." "Through the back door." "We'll drive all night." "Come!" "Hey, Car." "Hey." "So, I go to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, and I'm in line for like 20 freaking minutes, because the pharmacist is a million years old." "Then I finally get to the front of the line, and Rip van Senile says, "That'll be $98."" "And I go, "No, our insurance covers this. ", and he says, "No, it doesn't. "" "I just- I hate old people." "Where's our insurance bill?" "Um, maybe it's upstairs." "Why would it be upstairs?" "Did you put it there?" "No, I" " I was just trying to help you out." "Why are you acting so weird?" "I'm sorry." "What are you sorry about?" "I don't know." "Well, just help me find it." "You poor man." "Hi, honey." "Hey," "I'm headin' out." "Oh, you have your, uh, support group tonight?" "Yes, I do." "I gotta tell you, Doug," "I am really proud of you, honey." "I mean, I know it was the last thing you wanted to do, but you did it, and you stuck with it, and now look at you." "Doug?" "Yeah?" "Are you, um... getting fatter?" "No." "No?" "'cause it seems like you're much more... fatter." "Can't be." "I've been going to my overeaters group for weeks." "Are you sure they're not teaching you how to overeat?" "Ah" " You know what it is?" "They told me I'd gain weight before I lose it." "Actually, that's their motto." ""You'll gain weight before you lose it. "" "That's a bad motto." "Mmm." "Well, they're fat." "They're not Shakespeare." "I'll see you later." "Hey, uh, what do you talk about at these classes?" "I mean, what gets said?" "What do you mean?" "Well, what's supposed to motivate you to lose weight?" "Oh, well first class, we talked about famous fat people, like Marlon Brando and that lady from The Practice." "What's the point of that?" "It just gets us to feel like," ""Hey, you know, maybe you're fat, but famous people are fat, too. "" "Uh-huh, uh-huh." "What else?" "Uh, well, the second day, obviously, we talked about famous skinny people, like that other lady from The Practice." "And, uh..." "Stan Laurel." "Stan Laurel?" "Yeah, it gives us a goal of what we want to look like." "And you want to look like Stan Laurel?" "Hey, from your lips to God's ears, huh?" "All right." "Excuse me." "Is, uh, Doug Heffernan here?" "Who?" "Doug Heffernan." "He's in this class." "No, we don't have anyone named Doug here." "Isn't this the overeaters support group?" "No, this is Jazzercise." "Why do you have to hurt?" "You know what it is?" "You gotta continuously remind yourself, it's not your fault." "Oh, my god." "This is made with real butter." "Hello, Doug." "Carrie." "Oh, God." "Maury, this is, uh, my wife, Carrie." "Hello." "Okay, you have 5 seconds to tell me what's going on here." "What's going on here is I'm in the middle of my overeaters group." "Doug, you're eating cake." "Yes, but what you didn't see is we eat the cake while looking at a picture of Hitler." "That's how they get us to hate cake." "Yuck!" "Okay, what is going on?" "What group is this?" "All right." "It might be a class for men in abusive relationships." "What?" "Yeah, that's right." "I came for the doughnuts, but I stayed for the insights." "What insights?" "Well, I learned that... your anger makes me eat." "What?" "!" "That's right." "Whenever you get mad, you start yelling at me," "I need an escape, so I turn to food." "That makes you my" "What do you call her again?" "Your behavior catalyst." "Behavior catalyst, okay?" "So if you want to blame somebody for my weight, maybe you should take a hard look in the mirror." "You're a lying sack of crap." "Great." "Now I'm hungry." "Carrie..." "I'm Neil." "Welcome." "Mm-hmm." "Doug is simply trying to break a cycle of verbal and physical abuse." "Physical abuse?" "He told you that I physically abuse him?" "He told us about everything, Carrie." "The purple nurples." "The atomic wedgies." "That scar on his arm." "You got that scar from a hot-dog eating contest!" "Yeah, a hot-dog eating contest I only entered because you're so mean!" "Oh, really?" "And did you also set a new record 'cause I'm so mean?" "Could be." "Let me ask you something, Neil." "Did he happen to mention that he was fat the day that I met him?" "Well, no." "No." "Because he was." "Yeah, what were you then?" "Huh?" "High two hundreds?" "No, not high." "Mid to high." "And did he also happen to mention that he was the biggest kid in nursery school?" "That all the other parents thought he was a teacher?" "No." "No." "Tell him about the special desk, Doug." "All right, fine!" "So maybe I was fat when I met you, but you know what?" "You're still an angry person." "Well, I'm angry because you're always eating." "And I'm always eating 'cause you're always angry." "Okay, looks like we have a little chicken-and-egg thing going on right now." "Oh, I bet you want to have chicken and eggs now, huh?" "Okay, that's it." "You know what?" "I'll go to my overeaters group if you go to an anger management group." "I don't need anger management." "Oh, really?" "Well why don't you tell that to Maury, who you almost ran over, or that pharmacist who you yelled at, or that librarian you got fired?" "All right, okay, sometimes I get mad, but that's only because I have to." "Oh, really?" "Why don't you tell that to the sidewalk Santa that you cursed out last Christmas?" "Let me tell you something." "If it'll make you go down a couple of neck sizes," "I will go to anger management." "Great, 'cause they have a class going on upstairs right now." "Well, I'll go if you'll go to your overeaters group." "Fine!" "Let's do it!" "Let's do it!" "This is for the chicken-and-egg crack." "This is great." "We haven't had date night in a while." "I know." "Well, we deserve it." "I mean, you're sticking to your diet." "Got my rice cakes." "And, uh." "I've mellowed out." "It's-it's much better." "Much better." "And my nipples have healed up nicely." "Those are taken." "Oh, okay." "Excuse me." "Uh, uh, uh." "Those, too." "All the way down to that guy." "Okay, one guy saving 20 seats." "No law against that." "See?" "How good was I?" "That was very good." "But where are we gonna sit?" "Never sat in the front row before." "Me, neither." "Mmm." "Plain." "Tell me if anything good happens over there." "Right." "Yeah, I think it's great that we're trying to improve ourselves." "Oh, yeah." "I just think that all these improvements are upsetting our balance as a couple." "Yeah." "Something's a little off, right?" "I mean, what should we do?" "Well, I'm just gonna throw this out at you, okay?" "What if I were to, uh, let you eat these Milk Duds?" "Would you let me go back there to the seats we're supposed to be in, and drop-kick that douche into the lobby?" "I didn't hear a word after "Milk Duds. "" "Thank God." "What, do you own the movie theater?" "Move the coat, or I'm gonna shove it down your throat!" "There you go." "Check it out." "I made a Milk Dud sandwich." "It's a dudwich." "Ron was supposed to be saving these seats for us." "You're up again." "You're all gonna die."