"Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown " "Jon Richardson," "Sean Lock," "Richard Osman," "Isy Suttie," "Alex Horne and the Horne Section," "Susie Dent and Rachel Riley." "Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr." "APPLAUSE" "Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums." "Did you know, for example, FOMO stands for Fear Of Missing Out?" "It's when someone worries they're missing out on something interesting happening elsewhere." "It's mainly experienced by people talking to Jon Richardson." "LAUGHTER" "A French mathematician has developed an equation to explain why hipsters aim to dress like individuals, but end up all looking the same and the equation is beard plus breakfast cereal cafe, divided by vegan bicycle repair shop," "minus sense of irony, equals dickhead." "LAUGHTER" "And, quotation marks were invented 300 years ago and were originally used in the sentence," "Happy "30th" birthday, Carol Vordeman." "Right, let's get started." "OK, let's meet tonight's players." "First up, it's Sean Lock." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "Previously, Sean surprised us all by getting the eight-letter word, ELONGATE." "Unfortunately, it was in the numbers round and the target was 209." "Joining Sean tonight is Isy Suttie." "True fact here about Isy, Isy once made a five foot tall paper mache penguin in an attempt to save an ailing relationship." "It's the classic story." "Girl meets boy, boy leaves girl, girl makes a giant paper mache penguin, boy is pretty sure he made the right decision." "It was actually very hard work to make a paper mache penguin." "It had shelves in its stomach, um, to store DVDs in." "Um, it was like a four-month project actually." "And did he leave you during that or...?" "Um, no." "Roy was his name." "Um, we put Roy in the corner of the room, but then, there were another few months, we'd, sort of, lie there together in the bed just both crying into the pillows as the relationship became more and more decrepit and pointless." "And, then, I'd look into the corner and see Roy with his eyes caught into the moonlight and his head on one side as if to say, "I should never have been born."" "It'd be such a good John Lewis Christmas ad, this, wouldn't it?" "Yeah." " Am I the cool one this week?" "I can't believe you broke up with her." "APPLAUSE" "OK." "Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson." "APPLAUSE" "I know he might sometimes come across as a boring, slightly lame geek with no friends in his pathetic life, but..." "Oh, hang on, that's all I've got on the card." "I noticed you already did one, at the little beginning when you were showing off in front of everyone." "So, I thought these ones would be jettisoned, but I'm getting done twice now, am I, per show?" "That's what they said at the sauna." "Joining Jon tonight, it's Richard Osman." "APPLAUSE" "Richard Osman is a presenter, producer, writer and has a hidden talent." "He's able to smell the blood of an Englishman." "OK, Jon, here's a question for you." "What is your greatest fear?" "Er..." "Other than Richard towering over you right now." "That's not a fear, right?" "I'm not scared of you." "No, we're like Chewbacca and R2D2." "Which one am I?" "You..." " I do have a genuine fear of being about 70 and turning the telly onto, like, Dave or whatever it's called in the future" " Phil - and seeing me now and just thinking," ""Shit." "That's what I did with the best years of my life," ""popped a cardigan on and complained about shit."" "You know when you're 70, Jimmy will look exactly like that." "It won't be like, "Ha-ha," it'll be like, "Ha, argh!"" "So, Richard, you hold the top score for any guest on this show with 47 points." "Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Are you hoping to better that tonight?" "Are you feeling the pressure?" " Well, I didn't know that." "I'm shocked that I did better than Rob Beckett." "Rob basically was holding the pen upside down." "Yeah." " OK." "Um, Isy, it says that your childhood pen pal was a 26-year-old accountant called Dave." "Yes, now..." " Where's he serving time?" "I should explain." "Um, I was about 12 and I had this story book about a girl who let go of a helium balloon in England and it floated to" "Australia and she got this pen pal in Australia because she'd attached a bit of paper with her name and address on it." "Me and my sister wanted a pen pal in Australia, too, but we didn't have any helium balloons." "We just had a normal one." "So, we put our name and address on it, and then, we climbed to the top of the climbing frame and let it go." "And then, ten minutes went by and the phone rang, um, and this voice said, "Hello, I've got your balloon."" "I said, "Are you calling from Australia?" and he said," ""No, I'm calling from two gardens away." ""If you look up, you'll see me waving." I looked up and it was Dave, who I already knew, who was waving." "We waved back, and then, er, he was like, "Oh, well, it's fate." ""It's landed in my garden." ""So, go on, then, let's be pen pals." So, we were." "We were pen pals for years." "Um, we actually..." " Sorry, you sent... you sent a note to the local paedo, is what it sounds like." "Yeah." "I kind of did all his legwork for him." "Um..." " Do you know those self-basting chickens?" "There are self-grooming kids." "But we had to walk past his house to get to the postbox." "Um, Sean, have you got a celebrity crush?" "No, I don't actually, but there are certain people I do admire." "I have particular admiration for pioneers." "I'm a great admirer of Dyson, James Dyson because, you know, vacuum cleaner designer and he had the balls to go bagless, if you..." "And everyone went," ""No, you can't do that." He went, "I'm doing it," and he did it." "He did it, and then, he went, "Not only am I going bagless," ""I'm going cordless."" "What next?" "He's going to go vacuum-less, and we're just going to be in our houses just going..." ""How does he do this?" Do you know what I mean?" "You're just there with this thing that Dyson's told you you've got." "I admire him." "I'm a great admirer of Jools Holland, because every time I watch his show," "I think, "Woo, woo, woo, thank God for that, that's six albums" ""I don't have to buy."" "Ordinarily I'd be tempted by that 15-piece" "Cambodian ska outfit... ..but I managed to swerve them." "Sean, have you got a mascot?" " Yes, I do, Jimmy." "As you know, I'm never happier than when I'm quizzing and puzzling." "So, I've come up with Sean's Bumper Book Of Puzzles." "Ooh." "I mean, I'm a particular fan of the spot the difference puzzle." " Yeah." "And I thought, "Well, why not just use twins?"" "In here, we see these twins here." "You can work out the difference between the two twins." "This one here, just come back from a shoplifting spree." "Here's another one here." "Both of these twins are both wheat intolerant, but he's had some wheat," "and you can see it, because he's ever so slightly, "Ooh"." "There's this one here, which is more of a traditional spot the difference." "This is two pictures of a kitchen, and the difference here is this first picture, well, it lacks conviction." "The ideas have no moral base." "The whole piece lacks any kind of sense of purpose and space." "It just leaves you feeling irritated and helpless, whereas the second picture has a ripening innocence like a field of corn." "It gives you a sense of man's conquest over the natural environment using symmetry and flat surfaces and shapes, and, also, there's a toast rack there." "I think my favourite spot the difference picture is this one, and, um..." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "This one here, this is before Raoul's popped round for the weekly touch-up." "You look good grey." " I quite like that." " Yeah, it's nice." "ISY:" " I think it really suits you, Jimmy." "God, this has really backfired." "Christ." "Everyone's being really..." "but I thought everybody would point at him going, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Oh, God." "Isy, have you got a mascot?" "I have got a mascot." " What have you got?" "Cos I don't know loads of long words," "I thought back to a time where I'd, sort of, had to blag it a bit, and, um, I thought that might spur me on for today." "Excellent." "Um, it was when I was doing my GCSE History coursework and this is what I genuinely wrote." "So, the question was, "Describe the problems which held back" ""the development of surgery before the 19th century."" "I had done no revision whatsoever." "I wrote, "In the past, there was basically no surgery." ""However, over time, people started to listen to philosophers" ""and kings and eventually, they started to give surgery a go." ""At different points," ""different people made different types of progress," ""which are too complicated to list, as they were very complex and a" ""lot of information was not recorded as many people could not write." ""Some years later came the surgery we know and love today."" "I love that." "Basically, you say at the end of it that it's too complicated for you, examiners to understand." "I would list it here, but I don't think..." "I don't want to blow your mind." "I wouldn't want to burden you with..." "Yeah, exactly." "Awesome." " I got a B." "OK." "Um, Richard, have you got a mascot?" "I have, yeah." "Well, more than just a mascot really." "I've been on quite an intensive training camp." "I've been to China." "I went to Shanghai, just in case I felt that I wasn't tall enough." "Everywhere I went, every single person wanted to have their photograph taken with me." "Everywhere I went." "You'll see there's a Countdown master." "Now, this guy is a head of a Buddhist monastery." "He's an incredibly important man and our guide said that what you must never do is take a photograph of the monks." "They'll be terribly offended and the first thing he did when he saw me, he went, "Oh, photograph, photograph."" "I was looking specifically for motivational slogans and they quite often rip off western motivational slogans." "They get it slightly wrong." "So, this is a hat I bought in China." "This is their version of Nike's "Just Do It"." "Their version is, "Keep at it, just to do this," of course." "You see, that is fairly motivational, isn't it?" "Keep at it just to do this." " Keep at it just to do this." "And then I got..." "this is genuinely a pencil case I got, something for us to think about on this show, "Study Hary, Play Hary."" "Study Hary, Play Hary." "I'm not..." "No, no, no, no, don't take that hat off, because you look amazing in that." "Thank you." "Are you familiar with the Where's Wally books?" "So, er, teeny, tiny, little Jon, have you got a mascot?" "Yes, I have, plastic Jim." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Well, I've also just returned from travels." "Oh, yeah?" " Where did you go in the Shire?" "Oh, I went beyond the Shire, Jimmy, for the first time." "This is me." "I recently went to Greenland for the Countdown World Cup." "It's sort of like Eurovision." "Whoever wins hosts and they always win because they've got 500 words just for snow." "This is shortly before I did a gig out there at a venue called the Gigloo." "So I brought this back." "I didn't know..." "This show is enormous amongst the Eskimo community." "So they gave me..." "This is a Greenland snow globe and when you turn it nothing happens because the air is too dry for it to snow there." "So, I'm going to be getting, sort of, snowy," "Eskimo words in honour of the guys in Greenland." "Keep up the good work." "Um, keep catching that fish." "OK." "Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Alex Horne and the Horne Section." "So, it's good to have the band, but what have you guys been up to recently?" "I do a lot of five-a-side football on Mondays and" "Will, the bassist, short for Willip." "What Willip does, Willip writes adverts." "He's written an advert recently for Scotland." "It's not commissioned, but we're hoping it gets picked up." "Do you want to hear the advert for Scotland?" " Yep." "Yes, OK, good luck, Willip." "Thinking of holidaying in the Highlands of Scotland?" "Think a-glen." "Think a-glen." "I think it's very good, Willip, really good." "And with Alex, of course, Susie Dent." "APPLAUSE" "Countdown audience members send Susie questions about words which have been puzzling them for years, but Susie just chucks them in the bin because, when she's off the clock, she doesn't give a shit." "Susie, there are thousands of words in the dictionary." "Take us through some of the more unusual ones." "What have you got?" "After your intro, the one that springs to mind is backpfeifengesicht, which is a German word for a face that's asking to be slapped." "And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley." "Rachel has now made over 1,500 appearances on the proper version of Countdown, but the regular audience haven't got tired of her because they can barely remember what they had for breakfast, let alone what was on TV yesterday." "OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown tandem mobility scooter." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Is that not Derek Acorah?" "OK." "Let's Countdown, everyone." "Time for the first game." "Sean and Isy..." " Yes." " Yes." " Come on." "Let's do this." "Your turn to pick the letters." "A vowel, please." " Thank you, Isy." "E." "Another vowel, please." " A." "Consonant, please." " N." "Another consonant, please." " W." "Um, two vowels, please." " U and A." "And the rest consonants, please?" "And D, S and N." "Right." "For the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock." "BHANGRA MUSIC PLAYS" "Sean, what have you got?" "How many?" " Seven." "Incredible news." "Isy, what have you got?" "I've got five." " Er, Rich, what have you got?" "Yeah, five as well." " Five as well, and Jon." "Er, a seven." "Is it snow-related, igloo-related in some way?" "Well, unfortunately, there is a nine there." "It won't be in, but it's the Eskimo word for snow, which is WADSANUNAE." "OK, Isy." "You've got a five." "What have you got?" "Yeah." "WEANS." " As in children in Scotland?" "Yes." " Rich, you got a five." "Yeah, WANED." "Yes, Jonathan Ross saying it's raining." "Um, Sean." "SWANNED." " Excellent, yeah." "Swanned around." "Jon?" "Well, I got the same word, but it's going to look shit now, isn't it?" "There was also, er, S-N-A-A-W-E-D, which is a Geordie word for snow." "Oh, it snaawed!" "Marvellous." "OK, seven points to both teams." "Alex, Susie, could they have done any better?" "I was a bit distracted, but I have got SWANNED as well." "I'm not meaning to be rude, but it's your job, lady." "Come on." "Yeah, I know." "I'm sorry." "We're working our tits off, here." "Onto our first numbers round." "OK, Jon and Richard, your turn to pick the numbers." "Oh, we're having a discussion." " Just having a tactical debrief." "We're deciding whether to go for two big ones or one big one." "Shall I get you started with one little one for Jon and one big one for you?" "Come on!" "APPLAUSE" "I think, just for that, we will have two big ones, shall we?" "Thanks, mate." " Two big ones and the rest small, please?" "All right, four little ones." "Could you hold your hand up, Rich, could you hold your hand up?" "What a grown-up's hand looks like." "LAUGHTER" "He's not..." "No offence." " I tell you, honestly, no offence, Jon." "It feels like I'm back in China." "I mean, you're not normal though, are you?" "Well, Richard is." "He is." "You stand next to him." "No, Rich is, he's about the same size as me." "He's about six foot." "You're about six foot." " Yeah, about six, about the same." "Roughly six foot tall." " Yeah." " This is bullshit, this." "JON:" " We're ready for the numbers now." "The round of piss-taking is at an end." "Right, the four Jons are 9, 10, 2 and 8." "And the Richards, 75 and 100, and the target..." "Aw, can I press it again?" "Yeah, press it again." "SEAN:" " There's no need." "OK, your target is 757." "Guys, could you do the music for me?" "I'm bored of the clock." "Yeah, we thought we'd do it as a movie theme because it's the Oscars this year." "So, we'll do, um, ten different film theme tunes in 30 seconds and I'll represent them with props." "OK, great." "Well, I'll start the clock." "SUPERMAN THEME TUNE" "INDIANA JONES THEME" "MIAMI VICE THEME" "JURASSIC PARK THEME" "MISSION:" "IMPOSSIBLE THEME" "THE GREAT ESCAPE THEME" "ET THEME" "BACK TO THE FUTURE THEME" "STAR WARS THEME" "COUNTDOWN THEME" "Films!" "Did you get it, Rich?" " Yeah, 757." "Er, Jon?" " Yes, I also got it." " Sean?" "Yes, me too as well, the same." " Isy?" "Well, Isy, take us through how you didn't get it." "I feel like I fell at the first hurdle." "9 x 10 = 900." "LAUGHTER" "You need a philosopher." "Er, Rich, do you want to take us through how you did it?" "75 x 10. - 750." "9 - 2." " Yeah 757." "APPLAUSE" "Sean, did you get it the same way?" " Yes." "Yep, why not?" "All right, ten points to both teams." "OK." "Well, the scores at the moment, Sean and Isy have 17." "Jon and Richard also have 17." "And here's your teaser." "The words are PORNSLOG, the clue is, keep it up for as long as you can." "That's PORNSLOG, keep it up for as long as you can." "See you after the break." "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser, the words were PORN SLOG, the clue was, "Keep it up for as long as you can."" "It was, of course, PROLONGS." "So, it's neck and neck." "Both team have 17 points." "Time to mix things up a little bit." "They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Richard." "So, Richard, your turn to choose the letters." "Er, could I have a consonant, please, Rachel?" "P" "Another consonant, please." "V" "Oh." "A third one please." " LAUGHTER" "Well, I don't like a V, you know." "W." " Oh, this is awful thus far." "I will have a vowel, please." "E" "E. Another vowel, please." "A." " Two consonants." "Z" "RICHARD SIGHS LAUGHTER" "And Y." " This is going well, isn't it?" "Oh, no." "This is making me feel so PVWEAZY." "Er, a vowel and a consonant, please." "An O and... a Q." " LAUGHTER" "Worst picking ever." "Your time starts... now." "APPLAUSE" "Sean, how many did you get?" "Oh, why didn't you ask Richard first?" "Sorry, my mistake." "Richard, how many did you get?" "No, honestly, ask Sean." "He's been on the show a long time, I've got a lot of respect for him." "INDISTINCT" "I like the way the guy plays the game." "He's good for the show, I think." "I think he's good for Countdown." "Would you like me to go to Sean first or you first?" "I would say..." "Sean, I don't know if you agree with this or disagree." "It would be really good if you ask Richard first." "It would be a really good thing for him to, you know, get a bit of a, yeah, a feel for the show." " If you're all right with that." "Sean, I'm going to stop you there." "LAUGHTER" "I worry the people watching this at home might feel you guys are playing for time now." "Just to put the pressure on Sean, I will declare a four." "OK." "Sean?" "Well, it's interesting you say four." "I'm toying with a five." "I'm feeling a bit WEAZY about it." "Should I go for the five or stick to the four?" "You're sticking with a four, are you?" " Yes." " OK." "Rich, what's your four?" "WAVY" "WAVY." " Yeah." " OK, and, er, Sean?" "Well, you could have had WAVE." "Susie, Alex, could they have done any better?" "Um, there is a five, PEAVY, P-E-A-V-Y, which is a lumberer's hook with a spike at the end." "Mother Hubbard!" "All the time, staring me in the face." "I was only using my PEAVY in the garden." "This morning, I had my PEAVY out." "OK." "So, at the end of that, Sean and Isy have 21," "Jon and Richard also have 21." "Now time for Jon and Isy to go head-to-head." "Isy, your turn to pick the numbers." "OK." "Could I have three big ones and three little ones?" "Two big ones." " Two." " I mean, it's crazy maverick talk, Isy." "Is it?" "Look at poor Rachel." "She's in shock." "No-one's ever been that crazy." "All of a sudden, everyone wants the small ones." "The big guys are fun for a while, but eventually they just get on your tits." "Whereas you can't reach them." "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "What do you want to go with?" " You are funny." "Well, OK." "Can I change it?" "Can I change it?" " Yeah." "Two big ones and four little..." "four little ones." "Right, four small." "2, 4, 9, 3." "And the big ones - 25 and 100." "And the target - 666." "AUDIENCE:" "Ooh!" "BASS PLAYS SUSPENSEFUL RIFF" "Whoop, whoop." "Alex and the Horne Section, could you play the clock music for me?" "Yeah, we're going to do it in a Mexican style because of Mexico '86 and Lineker and the Hand of God." "Here we go." "Three, four." "THEY PLAY CLOCK MUSIC IN MEXICAN STYLE" "Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "So, the target was 666." "Isy, did you get it?" " Yeah." "Um, OK." "Joking aside, though." "This is the best moment of my life." "Er, did...did you get it, Jon?" "I've got it and it's top five moments in my life." "I had an amazing sandwich once that's just...just put it down." "Isy, how did you do it?" "4 x 2 = 6." "Oh, fuck." "LAUGHTER" "2 + 4." " Yeah, 4 + 2." "This is the best moment of MY life." "It's all right, she does have a plus sign there. 4 + 2." "4 + 2 = 6" "Yep." "It already looks good." "x 100 = 600" "Yep." " Yeah." "3 x 25 = 75" "Yeah." "9 = 666" "Perfect." "Well done." "CHEERING" "SEAN:" " Boo-yah!" "Jon, did you get it in the same way?" "I did it the same way, but without the false start and the cussing." "All right, ten points to both teams." "APPLAUSE" "Neck-and-neck all the way through." "Time to go across to Dictionary Corner." "Alex Horne and the Horne Section, what have you got for us?" "We're going to sing a song, Jimmy." " Oh." " And it's for you, because we always have such a nice time here." "So, we're going to sing a song and it's a challenging one for any vocalist, even for me." "So, er, I'm going to use this, and can I have an E, please, Ed?" "E CHORD PLAYS" "# When I wake up in the morning, love" "# And the sunlight hurts my eyes" "# And something without warning, love" "# Bears heavy on my mind" "# Then, I look at you" "# And the world's all right with me" "# Just one look at you" "# And I know it's going to be" "# A lovely day" " HE HOLDS NOTE" "# Lovely day, a lovely day A lovely day" "# Lovely day, a lovely day Lovely day, a lovely day" "NOTE CONTINUES" "# Lovely day, a lovely day" "# Lovely day, a lovely day Lovely day, a lovely day" "# Lovely day, a lovely day Lovely day, a lovely day" "# Lovely day, a lovely day Lovely day, a lovely day" "NOTE CONTINUES" "NOTE CONTINUES" "d A lovely day!" "d" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Thank you very much." "So hard." "Alex Horne and the Horne Section." "OK, the scores at the moment - Sean and Isy have 31," "Jon and Richard have 31." "Neck-and-neck." "APPLAUSE" "And here's your teaser." "The words are FIRM ARSE." "The clue is, "Use responsibly."" "That's FIRM ARSE, "Use responsibly." See you after the break." "APPLAUSE" "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser, the words were FIRM ARSE, the clue was use responsibly." "It was, of course, FIREARMS." "OK, on with the game." "Sean and Isy, your turn to choose the letters." "Vowel, please." "E" "Consonant, please." "X" "Another consonant." "N" "Er, another consonant, please." "S" "Vowel." "A" "Er, another vowel." "O" "Consonant, please." "P" "Another consonant." "V" "JON:" " Jesus." "And another consonant, please." "And the last one, L." "And your time starts..." "Alex, could you play the music for me again?" "Yeah, we're going to use bottles." "OK, your time starts..." " Three, four." " Now!" "COUNTDOWN THEME" "APPLAUSE" "Well, err, Sean, how many you got?" "Why don't you ask Richard?" "Six." " Isy?" "Five, five." "Five's all right." "Um, Jon." "I'll try an eight." "AUDIENCE:" "Ooh!" "It's going to be an Inuit word." "Don't get excited." "Well, sadly, the Inuit word is a nine, which is actually, Sloxvapen, dirty snow, but that's... that's sexually dirty." "Er, Rich, how many?" "I will, er, go for six." "OK, Isy, what's your five?" " NAPES." "NAPES" "Sean, your six?" " PLANES." " PLANES." "Rich, what's your six?" " PLANES as well." "PLANES as well, so you're just copying Sean again, OK." " Yep." "You know why?" "There's nothing in the way." "Jon, your risky eight." "Well, when one puts on weight, one is said to have love handles, but what a lot of people don't know is that at the end of the love handles are the LOVEPANS." "You can't have a handle with nothing attached to it, can you, Jimmy?" "Susie, is LOVEPANS in there?" "No LOVEPANS, no LOVEPANTS, just LOVESEAT or LOVESICK." "Sorry." " OK, well, six points to each team." "Alex, Susie, could they have done any better?" "I've got 'ENVELOPES' for nine, nearly." " You've got what, sorry?" "'ENVELOPES', and also I..." "Also, I found..." "What did I find?" "Er, yes, you found NOPALES, didn't you?" "I found NOPALES, I did." " Yeah." "They are the edible fleshy pads of a cactus." "Mother Hubbard!" "OK." "So, at the end of that, both teams have 37." "Onto another numbers round, Jon," "Richard, your turn to pick the numbers." "We're a big fan of big things, Jimmy, on this team." "We would like all the big ones, please." "All the big ones?" " So, have you..." "Sorry, have you picked four big ones so that Sean and Isy won't be able to get it?" "Is that what's going on?" " No, we're going for a bit of fun." "Look, I'm the only one of us here who could really do with that mobility scooter." "So, maybe you want to stop messing around and give me a good fighting chance." "Yeah, but it's...it's a tandem one and you haven't got any friends." "Come on." "You don't know who you can pick up with one of those mobility scooters." "If I drive past the wool shop, ooh!" "Yeah, I'm like Ice-T." "OK." "The two small ones, nine and three." "JON:" "That's massive, nine." "And your massive ones, 50, 75, 100 and 25." "And the target 936." "OK, and your time starts now." "Jon, did you get it?" "I think so, yeah." "OK." "Rich, did you get it?" " I got 930." "Isy." " I've got 947." "Er, Sean. - 928." "Well, Jon..." " Big Dog." "Sorry, Big Dog." "This will be very impressive if he's got it, by the way." "That'll be amazing." " Let's not build this up." "Although we do have a drummer with us, so, if we wanted to build it up..." " Oh, yeah." "75 minus 50." "Yeah." "We have a drummer that won't take a hint and do a drumroll." "DRUM ROLL 25." "Divided by 25." "Is one." "Plus, and I know it looks like I'm a long way away at the moment." "Plus three." " RACHEL:" " Plus three for four." "Plus 100." " RACHEL:" " For 104." "Times by nine." "Times by nine is 936." "CHEERING" "That's unbelievable." "When you paused then, I genuinely shit my pants." "Times by nine is 932." "Genuinely very impressive." "Thank you, Jimmy, I feel very good about myself." "Look at the little, smug face he's got." "You've got your happy face on." " That's happy." "That's not smug." "On University Challenge, whenever they get one right, they always just go, "Ah", every single time." "You should do that and go..." " Yeah!" "I don't dare, and there's a chance I could drown if that cup..." "Time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time." "Alex and the Horne Section, what have you got for us?" "Well, Jimmy, it's nice to see behind the glitz and the glamour of the music industry." "So, I thought we could interview the most flamboyant member of the band, er, Joe, the little trumpeter." "So, he's going to come and sit in the interview chair, and I'm going to ask him some questions in the form of a song, and we'll find out what goes in his little... in his little...in his little mind." "So, it's a duet interview." "OK." "Are you ready?" " Yep." "Are you nervous?" " Yep." " OK." "OK." "MUSIC BEGINS" "# Joe, what's your favourite season?" "# Spring's my favourite season" "# What's the flaming reason that spring's your favourite season?" "# I like to hear the robins sing" "# It makes me feel the joy within" "# I like to smell the chestnuts roasting on the fire, # the crumpets too" "# But the robin sings in winter" "# Is it winter that you're into?" "# Yes, then it must be winter" "# What's your favourite season?" "# I reckon winter's my favourite season" "# What's the ruddy reason that winter's your favourite season?" "# I like the heat upon my back when I walk down the country track" "# To feel the sun upon my face, the long, warm days and your embrace" "# But it's not hot in winter" "# Is it summer that you're into?" "# Yes, then it must be summer" "# What's your favourite season?" "# I think we've established summer's my favourite season" "# You've said every other season" "# Do you understand the seasons?" "# Yes!" "# I like those leaves of golden brown" "# No, that's autumn You're a clown" "# I like the flowers when in bloom" "# No, that's spring, you thick baboon" "# Baboon?" "# You must have a favourite season" "# But I don't understand the seasons" "# What's your favourite season?" "d Mine is definitely February. d" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "The scores at the moment, Sean and Isy have 37," "Jon and Richard have 47." "And here is your final teaser, the words are GROIN TUG, the clue is it goes all over the bathroom." "That's GROIN TUG, it goes all over the bathroom." "See you after the break." "Welcome back." "The answer to the teaser - the words were GROIN TUG, the clue was - it goes all over the bathroom." "It was, of course, GROUTING." "OK, time for our final letters game." "Jon and Rich, your turn to choose the letters." "We will have a consonant, please, Rachel." "Thank you, Jon." "N" "And a vowel, please." "E" "And a consonant, please." "P" "Good." "Get rid of that J." "LAUGHTER" "And another vowel, please." " Can't get away with anything on this show." "Better when we can check them first." "And a consonant, please." "H" "Another vowel, please." "I" "And a vowel." "E" "And a couple of consonants." "And M... and S." "OK, and your time starts now." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Jon, how many?" "A seven." "Rich?" "I have an eight." "AUDIENCE OOHS" "Thank you." "Isy." "I think I've got an eight as well." "LOUDER OOHS" "OK." "Sean?" "Er...seven." "Well, Sean, let's hear your seven." "MEANIES" "Yep, very good." "OK, Jon, what's your seven?" "It's a word they use in Scotland a lot on Burns Night, if you're having your main course and they haven't used enough swede." "It's..." "It's NEAPISH." "There's a hint of neap..." "LAUGHTER" "The haggis is amazing, but the mash, it's NEAPISH." "Neap, well, I presume that's in the dictionary." "We'll double check." "Susie?" " No." " It's not in there?" "What's your eight, Rich?" "MISHAPEN" "AUDIENCE OOHS" "He's not misshapen, he's just small." "Sorry, Richard, you need two Ss, otherwise it's "MISHAPEN"." "Oh, OK." " Sorry." "But it looks right written down if that's any consolation." "OK, Isy, for eight points, puts you back in the game..." "I had MISHAPEN as well." "Well, just pronounce it differently." "Mis-HA-pen..." "I like that." "So, seven points to Sean." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Alex, Susie, could they have done any better?" "No, seven, I think, was the max." "You could have PEAHENS as well." "Um..." "One for David Cameron." "CHEERING" "Aw!" ""Yes, it was a bloody fun night." "My penis is a bit hammy, yes..."" "OK, so Sean and Isy have 44." "Jon and Richard have 47." "APPLAUSE" "It's been neck-and-neck all the way through this evening." "It's still pretty close, so, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum." "BUZZER" "Rich." "Is it CARDIGANS?" "Let's take a look." "Yes, it is." "APPLAUSE" "So, the final scores are," "Sean and Isy have a very respectable 44 points, but tonight's winners, with 57, it's Jon and Richard." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Congratulations." "You're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown tandem mobility scooter." "Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home." "That's it from us." "Goodnight." "Subtitles by Ericsson"