"And yet, he's still better looking than you." "What would you call him-- your rival or your nemesis?" "He is not my nemesis." "Hey your rival's coming in today, huh?" "He is not my rival." "I just have a natural aversion to someone who takes away my valuable teaching time." "That and he stole Drunk Nancy from you that time at the bar." "I spent two hours listening to her tell me the difference between a dental technician and a dental hygienist." "I turn my back for one minute and he's taking her home." "What is the difference?" "I don't know." "I think one of them wears gloves and the other one's a dirty, dirty slut." "Did you know some joker is prepping the faculty on how to teach a standardized test?" "I mean, who is this Doug Diamond?" "The idea that we can't educate our own students is simply outrageous." "That's exactly the problem that I have with him." " Yeah." "That and he stole Drunk" " Calvin" "Alice and I have discovered a common enemy." "And as you know, common enemies bond people together." "Strange to be on the same side of an education issue as you." "Really?" "I don't think it's strange." "Sure, we're different on the outside, but inside we're the same." "Two people whose hearts beat for these kids." "And England." "Well I'm not one to sit idly by while an injustice is being carried out." "I intend to be very disruptive in his seminar." "Good for you, Alice." "Always knew that wild woman inside of you would come out some day." "I will repeatedly clear my throat and only you two will know that it's not at all sore." "Well, someday." "You're late." "Trouble at the border?" "Ick." "Cover your mouth." "That's like walking past a brewery fire." "Uh, Mr. Green" " I suggest that you pay extra special attention at the testing seminar today." "I can't tell you where I heard it, but if your classes test as low as they usually do you'll be assigned to teach Drivers Ed." " Boo." " Gosh." "Dick just hit me." "I can't go back to teaching Drivers Ed." "Oh I think you'd like that." "Some poor kid drives you to Pizza Hut, waits in the car while you wolf down a calzone, and brings you back." "Well there are some good times." "But being in the same car with that Simmons kid is like a scene from The Fast and the Furious." "I gotta get out of this." "Faculty lounge." "Uh yes." "This is James J. Josephson at the Department of Education." "I'd like to speak to Principal Wiggins please." "Okay." "Ms. Wiggins, you have a phone call from the Department of Education." "I hope you're not in trouble." "Oh please, Mr. Lenk." "I've done nothing wrong." "Quick-go to Staples." "Buy the biggest shredder you can find." "Charge it to the school." "Then shred the receipt." "Roger that." "Hello." "Uh yes." "This is James J. Josephson." "Principal Wiggins, congratulations." "One of your members of your faculty has been named one of the top 100 teachers in America." "Really?" "Who?" "Dick Green." "Oh no, we don't have--Wait." "The big bald guy?" "Really?" "No, I'm just surprised." "Wow." "No, 'cause his classes always test so poorly." "I suggest you treat him well anyway." "You know, he is a national treasure and national treasures don't teach Drivers Ed." "No, of course not." "You know, I'll take care of it, Mr., um, I'm sorry." "I've forgotten your last name." "Oh crap." "So have I." "Okay." "Attention, faculty." "And Mr. Lenk." "You said you'd stop doing that." "As you know, it is the time of year for the state to test our students." "So to help you prepare the students, we once again welcome the dashing Mr. Doug Diamond." "Who blows in every year to remind us that we're not just teachers." "We are women with strong needs." "Without further adieu, I welcome Mr. Doug Diamond." "Log jam." "Thanks you, Ms. Wiggins" "Are you ready to do some razzing?" "I am." "We don't raise our hands to razz." "Watch the masters." "Now, nobody likes testing." "And in a perfect world, I wouldn't exist." "Whoo!" "Perfect World!" "Whoo hoo!" "Thank you, Mr. Cahill." "So I guess you agree?" "Testing sucks, but you know what sucks even more than testing?" "Maroon 5?" "I like them." "Yeah, me too." "Because when scores go up, funding goes up." "And that means a better education for every student." "Isn't that why we're here?" "I'm here for the gym membership." "I'm here for the asbestos." "I'm here to help the students." "I don't get her humor." " Ms. Torres, may I have a word?" " Yes." "Yeah." "I still haven't received your credentials from your teachers college." "Oh right." "Well you'll definitely get them soon." "Oh good." "You know, what did you think of Mr. Diamond's presentation?" " I thought he was fine" " Hands off or I'll scratch your eyes out." "What's the matter?" "She shoot down your taco stand idea?" "Wiggins hasn't received my teaching credentials yet." "So." "They'll show up." "It's not like you don't have them." "I don't have 'em." "Well then, I guess it's a long hay ride back to Tijuana." "Look, I did all my coursework." "I just didn't take my final exams because I actually started getting teaching jobs and it was sunny and I like the beach." "Well sure you do." "It reminds you of the day that your family floated into this country on their homemade raft." "Who are you going to direct all this racism towards when I'm fired, Dick?" "I don't know." "Maybe that butler that hangs around with Jeff." "I know you don't buy into what I'm doing here." "But to be fair, you couldn't really hear it over Jeff and Calvin's rendition of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"." "I honestly don't know where they found that fiddle." "Ms. Fletcher, um, Alice." "May I call you Alice?" "If you must." "Alice." "I know you're being influenced by Jeff." "But what he's never been able to understand is I'm actually here for the students." "I mean, how old is that, um, history book you're using?" "It's about 20 years old." "Now, better scores means more funding means new textbooks." "I mean, wouldn't you like to be able to teach the fall of the Berlin Wall?" "It fell?" "Did anybody get hurt?" "I know you care about these students." "I can see it in your eyes." "Or maybe I just like looking into your eyes." "Hey, Doug." "Glad I found ya." "'Cause I have a question about the seminar." "What do you think Charlie Daniels meant by" ""chicken in the bread pan, picking out dough"?" "I think it's a way of saying that he's secretly insecure and afraid that the world's going to find out he's not as bright as he thinks he is." "I don't think he meant that, Doug." "There he goes, our common enemy." "You don't think we're doing our students a disservice by not using his techniques?" "Alice, he's trying to manipulate you." "That's what he does." "I've never used his gimmicks." "My students have done better on that test than anyone else's for the past three years." "Really?" "Why didn't you tell me that before?" "Because I don't like to brag." "Then why did you tell me you ate six pancakes in 10 minutes this morning?" "'Cause that's probably the fastest anyone's ever done that." "Ever." "Well, uh, thank you all for joining me here at the bar." "I'd like to thank you too, Doug." "With this." "You really think that bothers me?" "It better 'cause it bothers the hell out of me." "Doug, just wanted to say I really appreciate you coming to my class today." "And I know the students really benefited from it." "So thank you." "Happy to do it." "Hey, you're not leaving are you?" "No, no." "Just ordered some food from the bar." "Oh, well, put it on my tab." "Already did." "Keep drinking from my glass." "I'm sure that sore on my lip is nothing to worry about." "So I guess you haven't solved your credential problems." "Why don't you tell me." "The chancellor of schools called Wiggins." "There's going to be a conference call tomorrow with the both of them." "Plus, the president of my teachers college." " Well, guess you could get fired." " Yeah." "Finally I don't have to lock up my valuables." "Wow." "Sounds like you're in the final stages of whatever that is." "Hello, hello." "Principal Wiggins." "Wow." "Maybe it's just the creme de menthe talking, but you look amazing." "Thank you, Mr. Lenk, but let's keep it professional." "Now, where is Mr. Diamond?" "I gotta get him drunk." "Emma" " I hear you" " Mazeltov on your bar mitzvah." "What?" "I hear you got the practice test results." "Oh, yes." "Here's something newsworthy, Mr. Cahill." "While your scores were typically high, Ms. Fletcher's were even better." "Wait." "She beat me?" "Oh yeah." "By five points." "Now I'm off to find Doug." "These legs ain't getting any smoother." "Ooo." "Second place." "The unbeatable Jeff Cahill just got beat." "I may have lost the battle, but I am winning the war." "Alice and I were on the same team on this." "And we beat Doug." "So now all that's left is a celebratory hug, which in an ideal world, would lead to an awkward kiss and then an over-the-shirt-boob-grazing." "All right." "Where is Alice?" "I think she's in the back booth." "Uh, mind your own business, Mitch." "I think she's in the back booth." "Wanna try that boob-grazing thing, you better get in there." "I can't believe it." "How could she kiss him?" "I'm sorry, man." "Wouldn't you kiss me before you'd kiss him?" "Well I don't know." "I mean" "Oh never mind." "It was a trick question so I could call you gay." "I can't believe she would go for a guy like that." "How could she let herself be seduced by him and his stupid techniques?" "It's not like he graded her test scores differently because he has the hots for her." "You think he did?" "No, I was saying that as a thing he didn't do." "Of course." "It's so obvious." "Doug hates me." "So in order to destroy me, he goes after the thing in the world I love the most" "My lady." "So he raises her test scores so she's indebted to him." "And lowers mine so she thinks less of me." "I really wasn't saying that." "All we have to do is break into his car and take a look at the tests." "Are you serious?" "You and I break into a car, who do think they'll put away?" "Calvin, he stole my lady." "Let me get my black turtleneck." "We're breaking into the car, not reading it poetry." "Okay, gotta make this quick." "How are we gonna do it?" "Oh the window's open." "If I can get my arm in there, I can crack this lock." "All right go for it." " Am I close?" " Uh, you're like a foot away." "Okay." "This arm's longer." "Am I close now?" "Nope." "Somehow you're even further away." "Just take your arms out of there." "It's kind of hard when you get your elbows in there." "Hey look at that." "The door's open." "There's nothing in here." "Probably keeps his testing materials in the trunk." "What an ass." "There's a crowbar in the back seat." "You could use it to jimmy open the trunk." "First of all, that's an umbrella." "And I could use this trunk button." "Hey, Mr. Button, while you're at it, try lowering the window." "Hey Mr. No Understanding of Electricity, the car is not on." "Calvin?" "Okay, this is the part where the black guy goes to jail." "Jeff?" "What the hell are you doing to my car?" "What the hell are you doing with an umbrella in the back seat?" "Ms. Torres should be here any moment." "I'm sure she can explain where her missing credentials are." "Oh look." "Here she is now." "Yes, Ms. Torres, I just got on the phone with Superintendent Calabrese." "Hello?" "The president of your teacher's college, Ms. Aviva Freeman." "How are you?" "I can save us all a lot of time here." "My teaching credentials are not ever going to show up because I" "Because of the flood." "I'm sorry." "The what?" "The flood, dear." "Don't you read your alumni news letter?" "It destroyed all of our records from 1981 to" "What was the year you graduated?" " Um, 2004." " Yep, 2004." "2005 is fine." "Completely dry." "But that doesn't help us." "Well where does that leave us?" "Well she's right." "I mean, we can't have an uncredentialed teacher at this school." "I told you she has credentials." "They were lost in the flood." "So I'm supposed to take the word of some lesbian president of a podunk teacher's college?" "Oh my." "Oh I see--so I'm a lesbian because I didn't go up to your room at the East Coast Teacher's Conference?" "No, you're a lesbian because you live with a woman who has a beard." "Gentlemen, please." "Gentlemen" " How dare you." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, I just think we're getting off topic here." "I mean, how can I have Ms. Torres teaching here without proof of accreditation?" "So you hired Ms. Torres without first seeing her credentials?" "Well it was a very busy time." "Very busy time and my cat had diabetes." "Principal Wiggins, Principal Wiggins" "I'm happy to pursue this if you're willing to be taken down in the crossfire." "Oh no." "I have made a career of avoiding crossfire." "You know, given Ms. Freeman's testimony, I'm" "Well, I'm willing to let it go if you're okay with it." "Yes, let's." "Well, then I guess we're done here." "That is a nasty cough you have there, Superintendent Calabrese." "Yeah, it's going around." "Nice talking to you, gentlemen." "Gentlemen." "I told you that I am a woman." "Unless you want a F on your next biology test, keep it moving." "I'm waiting." "For what?" "An apology." "You broke into Doug's car because you couldn't deal with the fact that I did better than you on the test." "Look, yes, that was stupid." "But I had to expose the guy for the fraud that he really is." "I heard the real reason you hate Doug is because he stole Drunk Nancy away from you." "Calvin." "Look, we can go back and forth like this all day." "But in the end, aren't we both saying the same thing?" "Kissing Doug was a horrible mistake and you'll never do it again." "Apology accepted." "You know, I have to say the more you try to make Doug look bad, the worse you come off." "Yeah, well how do you think you come off?" "Kissing a guy in a bar like some common bar kisser?" "Alice" "Let me just ask you this" "If Doug cared so much about these students, then wouldn't he be a teacher?" "All I'm saying is there's something off about the guy." "Well, maybe you shouldn't go out with us tonight then." "No I'll still come." " Hey." " Hello." "Had a great time last night." "Especially after we dropped off Calvin." "Don't know why he had to squeeze into the front seat with us." "Said he was scared." "I'm sorry about Jeff." "He's such a child." "But shorter." "Wouldn't it be great if I could beat him on the real test?" "He's so competitive." "Boasting about how he ate six pancakes in ten minutes." "Only six?" "Yeah you know, if you really want to beat him, just encourage your weaker students not to show up on test day." "What?" "Well it raises the class average." "Well I couldn't do that." "Did it on the practice test." "I, uh, threw out your lowest scores." "But that's dishonest." "Yeah, maybe a little." "But we do it all the time." "And besides, remember" "Better scores means more funding." "And in this case, beating Jeff is just an added bonus." "Right." "Mr. Diamond, Hi." "Um, I've noticed you and Principal Wiggins are really getting along." " Well" " Hands off or I'll scratch your eyes out." "What do I owe you?" "Hold on." "It's on me." "Wouldn't that money be better spent on a new bell for your village's church?" "You know what, you act like a hard ass, but deep down" "Don't do this." "All right." "But I do want you to know that I've arranged to take my finals next week." "You know, I've got all the news I need about you people at Telemundo." "Okay." "Is that how this is gonna work?" "I'd prefer it." "All right." "Get off." "You know what?" "I'm glad Alice is with Doug." "It gives me more time to pursue my hobby." "You don't have a hobby." "Yeah, I gotta get a hobby." "I'm gonna get another drink." "Maybe that can be my hobby." "My uncle had that hobby." "His new hobby's looking for a liver." "Hello." "Hey." "Where's Doug?" "If you guys are looking for a place to make out," "Calvin and I are using your sex booth." "But not for that." "You were right about Doug." "Under his skin is all wires?" "He's a fraud and a fool." "I can't believe you didn't warn me." "I did." "Uh, funny." "Very funny." "Well, sorry you guys didn't work out." "No you're not." "Of course I'm not." "I'm thrilled." "I feel a little bit silly for not seeing through his act." "Anyway, I know this is probably going to make you gloat, but it turns out that Doug manipulated the test scores." "So I didn't actually beat you." "Why would I gloat about that?" "I don't care about those stupid test scores." "How much did I beat you by?" " Three points." " I slaughtered you." "Anyway, thank you because in your own weird, peculiar, wonderful way" "I think you were looking out for me." "And, um, I think that's sweet." "Care to retire to the sex booth?" "No, I don't think so." "How about a dance?" " No, don't think so." " Okay." "Okay." "Come on." "This one's for you, buddy."