"Mr. Williams, there you are." "Well, all right." "A gift for makin' it through my first week, huh?" "Actually, these gift baskets are from misguided seniors" " trying to get college recommendations." " Uh-huh." "Kiwi and mango, Toblerone..." "Beluga caviar?" "Hey, man, thanks." "Don't get too attached." "You're taking them as far as my car." "Here." "It's good to be you, isn't it?" " I deliver these to homeless shelters." " Mm." "Right." "Drop that mango, man!" "Boy, what some kids will do to get into college, huh?" "Yes, well, save your money." "They haven't built a fruit basket big enough to sway me." "Oh, I wouldn't think of it, Mr. Feeny." "It's the furthest thing from my mind." "Right there next to your school work, huh?" "You stop that." "Mr. Matthews, where did you get that papaya?" "From home." "Is there a problem?" "I've got my eye on you." " Hey, George, what's up?" " Well, I just wanted to be sure you knew that the Hunter boy missed his history test this morning." " He what?" " Oh, that's my fault, my fault." "I was supposed to tell you that Shawn had a severe case of, uh..." "Help me out here." " Sloth?" " Yes." "Hong Kong sloth." "That's it." "Not your best work, Mr. Matthews." "Hunter!" " What are you doin'?" " You're just in time." "I'm ordering Forrest Gump on pay-per-view." "You miss another day of school, you are Forrest Gump." "Cool." "He's done all right for himself." "He doesn't exist!" "Like you in school." " You know, you missed a history test." " That was today?" "Boy, that worked out." "I give up, Hunter." "I got too much goin' on to keep tryin' to figure you out." "Tomorrow morning, you're seeing a guidance counselor." "Ooh, I don't think so, John." "My people are celebrating a very important holiday tomorrow." " What people would that be?" " Well..." "We're staying home tomorrow to come up with a name." "Hong Kong sloth?" "Well, Feeny came up with the "sloth," but I added the "Hong Kong" part." "Turner didn't even wanna talk about it." "He's all, "Hunter, tomorrow you're seeing the new guidance counselor."" "I'll tell you one thing, though." "Shawn Hunter is not gonna waste an hour of his life listening to some baldheaded, long-winded, leisure-suit-wearing know-it-all." "Oh, my name's on the door!" "They didn't have to do that!" " You're the new guidance counselor?" " Hi, I'm Devon Collins." "Hi." "Shawn Hunter." "Guide me." "Matthews." "You're lookin' like college material." "Yeah, here's your money." "Let's see it." " Can I pat him down?" " Maybe later, Frankie." "OK." "I believe you'll find it flawless." " Ah, Feeny stationery." " White as snow." "Ready for any college recommendation you care to write yourself." "Now can I pat him down?" "Frankie, I'm doin' business here." "Fine." "Hey, wait a minute." "How'd you guys get your hands on Feeny's stationery?" " Let's just say it fell off a truck." " OK." "Oh, I'm going to need a Feeny envelope." " Frankie." " Tuesday." " Tuesday." " Tuesday." "Frankie, Frankie!" "Listen..." "Oh, Griff, our leader." "Yeah, everything's fine." "Why would you think otherwise?" "Joey, whenever I see you, the phrase "small doses" comes to mind." "Frankie, major news." "There I was, surfing the Internet, you know, verbally pounding people, and I got this message from Harley." " Harley Keiner?" " Yeah." "Or as he's known on the Net, "Harlkein."" "He's gettin' out, Frankie." "Our Harley, a reform-school graduate." " I'm brimming with pride." " Yeah, well, save it." "He's busting out in a shipment of laundry next week." "I see nothing but good here." "Our old leader Harley can meet our new leader Griff." "They can bond and become the best of..." "Ah." "So, Shawn, tell me what your last guidance counselor said." " This is my first time." " Really?" "Mine too." " Oops." "I shouldn't have said that out loud." " Your secret's safe with me." "Now, according to your file..." "Wow..." "Why don't I save you time?" "Let's just skip to the part where you tell me education is the key to a happy and successful life." " Is that what I'm supposed to say?" " It's what everyone else says." "Well, it's not that simple." "You know, in my house, growing up, all my parents ever talked about were the three M's: money, marriage and mortgage." "My dad always talks about the three B's:" "babes, bucks and brewskis." " Your dad sounds colorful." " He was the philosopher of the trailer park." "He used to say, "One man's septic tank is another man's oasis."" " But I never knew what he meant." " Could I take a shot?" "I think he meant what's good for one person doesn't hold for everyone." "All right, Dad." "I always knew high school wasn't for everyone." "'Cause, you know, not everyone's gonna end up in college." "So, you're not planning on college, huh?" "You saw my file. "Wow"?" "Shawn, I felt the same exact way." "I hated the idea of college." "In fact, I took a year off and traveled around Europe." "Even lived in Spain for six months." "I'll bet I know more about bullfighting than any woman you'll ever meet." "You don't know my Aunt Debbie." "The point is, I did end up in college." "But I needed to learn about myself first." "George, George, I need a favor." "Send me a gift basket, like everyone else." " You're on your game today." " What is it, Mr. Williams?" " Well, my TV production class?" " Mm-hm." "We're doing these kind of practice public-service announcements, and I could use your help." "Oh, I'm sorry." "But between teaching and administrative duties," "I couldn't possibly find the time." "Really?" "That's too bad." "The kids thought you'd have made the perfect narrator." " Oh?" "Did they really?" " Yeah." "But you know what?" "If you're too busy..." "Well, now, I wouldn't wanna disappoint the students." "Well, great." "Here you go." "Hmph." "Hmph!" "You're not married to any of this, are you?" "You sure this will work, Joey?" "Yeah, I e-mailed the warden that Harley's bustin' out with next week's laundry." "They'll keep him locked up for the next ten years." "I'm tellin' ya, Frankie, it's foolproof." "Hello, boys." " Let us review." " No time to review." "Harley's here!" "Standing in front of us a week early." "Of course." "You think I'd go online with my real escape plan and tip off my enemies?" "Ah, me and my boys, together again." "Guys, come on." "It's just a stupid rumor." "I mean, there's a better chance of me running into the Loch Ness monster than ever seeing that greaseball Harley Keiner here again." "I mean, re..." "(Scottish accent) And here I am in Scotland." "Baboon." "Did you get those threatening letters I sent?" "Yes, I did." "Thank you." "Sorry I didn't answer." "I've been busy." "Here's my wallet." "Enjoy." " I still got it." " (beeping)" " I didn't hear nothin'." " Beep, beep, beep?" "Griff is paging us." "Griff?" "Who's Griff?" "Yeah, Frankie." "Who's Griff?" "I mean, you got a new leader or somethin'?" "Joey, Joey." "The first thing you both should do is be straight with me." "Now, tell me about this Griff." "He's just some leader that we met on the rebound, Harley." "Nothin' serious." " Maybe if you just met the guy..." " Let's say we meet tomorrow." "Right here, 12 noon." "We can get to know each other." "Maybe I'll get a chance to find out his blood type." "And you were worried." "No, clown, no!" "Cory." "Weird dream." "So, what's so important that you had to get me up at five in the morning?" "I'm taking off, Cor." "I just wanted to say goodbye before I left." "OK, bye." "No, really." "I'm leaving town." "Shawn, I know what this is." "Today's Ms. Birnbaum's biology test, and seeing that you've never met Ms. Birnbaum, you're ditching." "This has nothing to do with school." "This is about me." "I'm doing a little traveling." "Getting to know myself." "I mean, I can't be happy in school until I'm happy with myself." " Where'd you get an idea like that?" " From the guidance counselor." "So, Turner's just letting you take off?" "He doesn't know, and I don't want him to find out." "He'd just try and stop me." "So, could you just do me a favor and cover for me long enough so I can get out of town?" " Shawn, this is stupid." " Look, I've thought all this through." "I've never been more psyched, more ready for anything in my whole life." "You got a few bucks?" "No!" "OK." "Just asking." "Well... see ya." "Wait, Shawn." "Shawn, stop." "This whole thing is crazy." "I mean, you don't even know what you're doing here." " Cory, are you really my friend?" " You know I am." "Then you'll let me go." ""So, in conclusion, I find Eric Matthews to be really, really, really smart, really, really, really nice and really, really, really good for your school."" ""Really."" ""Yours truly, George Milhous Feeny."" ""Princi..." Uh... "Princip..." Uh..." ""Head guy."" "College, here I come." "Eric, you're up early." "What do you got there?" "Ah, this is a, uh..." "It's a paper I'm working on." "Well, why didn't you use the computer?" "Well, it's a paper on the Amish, and somehow it just seemed wrong." " Well, can I read it?" " Oh." "Dad, you know the Amish." "They're very private people." "Son, you're scaring me." "Typewriter?" "Oh, no." "Eric, did you put a waffle in the computer again?" "Mom, I was 15." "Let it die." "I can't believe he does this to me." " Over and over and over again!" " Does what?" " I said I don't wanna talk about it." " You did not say that." "Well, I don't wanna talk about it." "I definitely said it that time." "Sorry." "It's been a really rough morning." "I mean, first I had this scary dream." " The clowns?" " Yeah." "Yeah, the same one." "And then..." "Oh, who am I kidding?" "I know what I've gotta do." " What exactly are you doing, Cory?" " The right thing." "And it's all your fault." "You had to go and raise me right." "Oh, great." "Turner's machine." "Now I gotta listen to three minutes of Cat Stevens." "Oh, dolt." "Who am I kidding?" "I'll just tell him in person." "You know, I'm gonna take a shot in the dark here, but something's bugging him." "Thanks, Waffle Boy." "Alan, did you see this letter that George wrote for Eric?" "Uh, Mom, uh..." ""Dear sir, if you only accept one student this year, make it Eric Matthews."" ""Hey, would I, George Feeny, be writing this letter on my personal stationery if I really, really..." "really didn't believe that?"" "I caught him in a really, really, really good mood." "Aw!" "Eli!" "I have to tell you, I had the most marvelous time yesterday recording my voice." "I can't wait to see how they put it all together." " Well, it's just a student project, George." " Oh, I still wanna have a copy." " Here's the thing." " What?" "See, the kids..." "They cut you out." " What?" " Well, I fought for you." "I fought for you, but they decided to go in a different direction." "What direction would that be?" "Me." "But don't worry." "There'll be plenty of other projects throughout the entire year." " I'm sure something will come up." " Keep your pity, man." "Mr. Turner, we gotta talk." "It's about Sean." "Wait, don't tell me." "Today he has African sloth." "Look, I'm not supposed to tell you, but I got to." "Shawn took off." "What are you talkin' about?" "Where'd he go?" "I don't know!" "I mean, he had that meeting with the guidance counselor, and the next thing I know, he splits." "Matthews, thanks." "You did the right thing." "Yeah." "I'm cursed." " You Devon Collins?" " Uh-huh." " I sent Shawn Hunter to you yesterday." " Oh, you're Jonathan Turner." "Yeah." "Look, he's run away." "Do you have any idea where he went?" " He ran away?" " Yeah." "Why don't you tell me what you guys talked about so I can make some sense of this?" "Well, we talked about family and college and finding yourself." " Uh-oh." " What?" "I did mention my year off in Europe." "You said that?" "Come on, you're a guidance counselor." "What kind of guidance is that?" "Back up." "I only spent a half an hour with him." "He's lived with you for four months." "Why do you think he ran away?" "Ooh, that was good." "Griff and Harley fighting' - it just don't seem right." "Maybe they won't show." "You know, maybe they realized that fighting' ain't the way to solve anything." "Maybe they both had one of those moments where suddenly everything makes sense, you know?" " An epiphany?" " No." "(♪ Western shootout-style music)" "Joseph, is it me, or do I suddenly sense an eerie calm?" "(locker door creaks)" "A swinging locker, paper blowing by?" "Frankie, that can't be good." "We gotta bail!" "We gotta get outta here now!" "We can't." "My mom won't pick us up till 3:30." "You and your stinkin' carpool!" "Here I am." "Punctual, as is my way." "Yet I do not see the object of my despise." "So I guess you were sent up for bad grammar?" "This is Griff?" " Where's the rest of him?" " So, Brando, I hear you wanna pound me." ""Pound" is such a wussy word." "I prefer..." "No, "pound" works." "What are you waiting for?" "See, the sooner you hit me, the sooner Feeny finds out... the sooner you're back in the reform school." "But I'm sure a smart guy like you already figured that out." "He's a thinker, this one." "So, the fight's over." "Who's up for a little Chinese?" "I'm a thinker too." "Boys, do him." "Uh, by "do him," you mean Frankie the Enforcer, not me, Joey, 'cause let's face it - you know, I'm the brain." "I'm waitin', Frankie." "All right." "I know what I gotta do." "I'm sorry about this, but..." "Griff, I quit." "Harley, I quit." "I can't be a lackey no more." "Frankie, what are you saying?" "I'm saying exactly what you should say." "It'll do a lot of good for you, Joey." "Come on." "From in here." "I don't wanna be a lackey no more, either." "I'm gonna be my own man." "There, I said it." "Now, that's what you call an epiphany." "And it was beautiful." "Well, Harley, I guess we have nothing to fight about anymore." "Pleasure meeting' ya." "And good luck with this whole retro thing." "I stand here bemused." "Frankie and Joey showing spine." "Self-esteem." "Dare I say, chutzpa." " (bell rings)" " Yeah, well, you know." "It's gonna be a real challenge beating it out of you." "And the beauty is I gave ol' Crisco-head Keiner a fake wallet." "I'd like to see his face when he finds out." "It'll look a lot like this... but perturbed." "Hey, kid, want a mango?" " Sure." "Thanks, mister." " Oh, don't thank me." "Thank..." "George Feeny." "Hey, there's teeth in this basket." "Oh, wait." "They're mine." "Oh!" "Hunter, you're still here." " John, how'd you find me?" " Easy." "Once I found out where you were goin', I figured, "Shawn Hunter, Europe... bus."" "I'm going." "Here's my ticket." "Next stop:" "Paris." " Paris, Texas?" " Oh." "I thought the "TX" meant "tax."" "Look, I don't know what Miss Collins told you, but running away is not the answer." "John, I'm not running away." "I'm finally going someplace." "Doing something with my life." "You know, I could ski the Alps or even go to Spain and chase the bulls." "Uh, actually, they chase you." "Who needs Spain?" "Europe's a big town." "I'm sure there's tons of cool stuff I can do." "This is a big step." "How come you didn't come and talk to me about it?" "Well, you know, John, you're busy." "You got your own stuff goin' on." "That doesn't mean I don't care about what's happening in your life." "Yeah, I know you care about me." "I know that inside you're like my buddy and all." "Well, yeah, you're my buddy too." "You know?" "But it's more than that, Shawn." "I'm responsible for you." "John, give yourself a break." "It's not like you're my dad." " No, I guess I'm not." " And I'm cool with that." "I mean, I'm used to being on my own, and it's... it's made me realize that I gotta look out for myself." "So, see you later." "Thanks for the roof." "Shawn!" "Get back here." " You're not going anywhere." " I'm going to Europe." "No, you're going to Texas." "Shawn, come on, you're 15 years old, you got no money, and you have no idea what you're getting yourself into." " You think there's a chance that I'm right?" " I don't know." "You're coming home with me, where you belong." "OK?" "Look, if you really wanna go to Europe we'll go together, next summer." "I could see that working." "But only if you start going to class and getting those grades up." "OK?" "Come on, you got a history test to make up." "Hey, kid." "You listen to your dad." "Yeah." "I think I'm gonna." "All right!" "I'm going to Europe!" "If I don't tell Turner, Shawn runs away and I lose my best friend." " Uh, Cory..." " If I do tell Turner, Shawn gets mad, and even if he does come back, I lose my best friend." " I mean, either way, I lose." " Cory..." "Plus, Harley Keiner's back, and I'm running out of wallets." " Excuse me." " And I also have these circus dreams." "I don't know." "This is really not the type of counseling I do, but when you're ready to talk about colleges, come back..." "Look what I found." " Sean, you're back." " A little older, a little wiser." "Shawn, do me a favor." "Next time we talk, before you leave, could you maybe let me know what you think I said?" "Huh?" "And if you still have any questions, you know, you can always talk to me." "Is that everything?" "'Cause I'd like a little closure with my friend here." " Look, Cory, I'm not angry at you..." " Oh, you're not angry?" "Well, I'm not apologizing." "Now, I know I did the right thing." "I've been doing a lot of reading, and I can no longer be responsible for your actions." "I got it." "So, I guess I missed the biology test this morning, huh?" "Don't worry." "I took it for ya."