"Super Ali," "I don't see you walking much." "It ain't true." "Shut up!" "It's time to teach both of you a lesson." "I wouldn't do that if I was you." "You better step back, unless you want me to bust a cap in your ass." "This is my neigbourhood, and these girls belong to me." ""Belong?" That's is a very sexiest way to talked about these bitches" "Bonjour, J'ai ma appelle Ali." "You made me used my last tissue." "Me ain't got another one now!" "You what?" "Speak to the hand, cause it face it ain't listening." "Remember, life is the most precious gift." "That Jah has given us." "Unlucky." "You saved us." "I just really want to thank you." "That's gonna need the two of us!" "Let me help you with that." "Thank you very much." "Oh, Tupac, no!" "What ever." "Yeah baby." "Play with the balls." "Good dog." "Ali?" "Are you awake?" "For real." "Ali-Palli, do you know how very late it is?" "And you are still in bed all asleep." "It's nice to get up in the morning..." "It's nice to get up in the morning..." "But better stay in bed." "Ali-Palli it's not nice to play with your puppy when nanny's in the room" "Come on, you're teaching your class today" "Oh wicked." "Respect." "So?" "What going down in Staines town, my niggers?" "Yeah nigger, we're just cold chilling, kicking, back sucking" "Up some gin and juice laid back." "Laid back?" "Juicy, is you wearing green?" "I knew it, you is defecting to the East posse ini'it?" "Come on, let's stop him." "No wait," "My mum put my yellow top in the wash." "My brother blue football socks even thought they ain't colour fast" "Alright, but you tell that slack, that in the ghetto " "Washing non colour fast synthetics at 60 degrees " "Could cost you your life!" "Will you boys move?" "I've told you before is a fire risk." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah my brother what's it about?" "We're just folk brothers chillin' out on the sidewalk" "Maxin, relaxing, it ain't too taxing, booff!" "Move!" "Ok, yeah, we're just sitting on the bench." "The East Staines Massive." "Well if it ain't the West Staines Massive outside their precious center." "East side is the best." "West side is the best." "East side is the best." "West side is the best." "West side is the best." "East side is the best." "Anyways, you is on our turf!" "Once you pass the bumble bee day nursery" "Just before you get to mini roundabout." "you know the kindergarten" " The you is in the West side." " We don't care." "Your mama is so fat." "That when she voulenteered to clean the cages at the zoo" "People they walked by her and say" "Look at that hippopotamus." "That ain't fair." "Is Angleo" "Let's leave these buttesy boys." "Slow down!" "Stop!" "Follow the East side!" "Flippin' lunic, he's going to get himself killed." "Yeah, yeah, is LAPD man." "Yeah and?" "Come on, you are my man!" "I is feelin' it." " You rockin it?" "I'm feeling it." "I'm checkin' it." "I'm doing it." "I'm feeling it." "I'm kissing it." "I'm checking it." "Nice." "Wicked." "Wait a sec, I is gonna to be late for my class." "Crack, cocaine is destroying our community" "So when a brother makes it full, they deserve our respect." "So let's big it up for Darren," "Who's been cleaned and off the crack now for 8 years." "8 and 3 quarter years." " What ever." "You don't want to say this but..." "Most of you ain't never gonna see 11" "Look he's crying!" "Homo, homo!" "Hey!" "We'll have none of that language here." "The word is batty-boy!" "Better!" "Now everybody up." "Cos is time to give out this week's badges." "First." "Big it up for my main man Andy" "Who has finally got his hot wiring badge." "And his advanced swearing badge." "Shit off, you hairy dog's cock." "Respect" "And since you got fifth badge." "You has also earn your second slit." "Hopefully one day you'll get to be Tyrone's level" "Tyrone, if you get any better We is gonna have to start doing your pubes" "I don't have any." "Well, I have a million." "Now, remember, without realness, We is nothing!" "So, posse, keep it real!" "Keep it real!" "Keep it real!" "Now on the street, you has got to know that your homey" "Will take a cap in his ass for you." "So let's start with a very basic trust exercise." "One, two, three." "Ali, can I have a word?" "Sure." "It's about the senator." "Now, I know how much these classes mean to you" "And how much the kids enjoy them." "But I'm afraid the goverment is withdrawing our funding" "They're closing down the center." "What?" "How is these kids gonna make out in the ghetto now?" "You have to go somewhere else." "Something else?" "Do you what this centre means to them?" "And to me?" "This is the spiritual home of the West Staines massive" "This is like what Mecca is to the jews." "Is like what Kentucky is to chickens." "And it was here when I first felt my Julie's ..." "Ali, there's nothing you can do." "Now, you better go and tell the kids." "I ain't never gonna let them close us down." "Keep it real, yeah?" "The Begium prime minister briefing in half an hour" "And the deputy prime minister urgently wishes to speak to you" "Have you got the polls result yet?" "Excuse me." "I wish I haven't." "He's putting 22 points behide." "What about Marrice?" "23 points behide." "The youth folks deserting us in droves" "All our folks are just out of touch" "Maybe we are, you know I am" "Don't be ridiculous." "Are we gonna lose this?" "No chance we haven't lost Stains in 20 years." "We're not going to start now." "We just have an image problem." "We have to find the candidate who will improve that image" "Somebody young." "Somebody ethnic." "Somebody in touch." "Exactly." "That's absolutley right David." "We have to find an outstanding candidate." "Who's intellectually superior." "Who can guarantee us victory." "Is Julie about?" "She's upstairs." "Hello baby, Is been missing you so much today" "You is lookin' so fine...." "All I want to do is pull your panties..." "Ali!" "Oh." "Hello my Julie." "Stop feeling up Nena and get in here." "Sorry I got confused." "Strange how you never get confused with Tracey." "Hello Ali." "Hello." "You know you is me only bitch." "Lady, when I close my eyes you is the only girl me ever think about" "Ali, open your eyes." "Sorry, there was something in them." "Because there's these flees that is going around." "And the two of them coming in again." "And caught in my eyes." "Ali G, you have been a very bad boy you need to be punished." "Are you a bad boy?" "Yes I am." "My skin is so dry." "So for being a bad boy." "I want you to rub oil into me." "Paying special attention to my breasts and my back" "Okay, I will do that." "But first I want you to take your hat off." "You naughty, naughty boy." "But me never take my hat off." "You take that off and I'll take these off." "Okay." "Now, I'm going to milk you." "Ali." "Give me one more second." "Behave Alistair." "J. Lo, they is closing down the center." "So I is gonna go on hungerstrike until they save it or until I die." "So just in case I do join Tupac and Biggie in that ghetto in the sky" "I has come here to bone you one last time." "I think Mr. Johnson might have something to say about that." "Can I watch?" "I ain't got no problem with that." "Has you?" "Ali..." "Don't do nothing stupid alright." "Hear me now." "She ain't really my Julie." "Obviously in real life I is going out with someone much fitter" "But they do that to make me more accessible." "Which mean you girls out there will think I will nob you" "Even if you was a minger." "Okay, you got 10 seconds until you start, Mac Daddy." "Okay, and go!" "Mr G, why are you on hungerstrike?" "In the struggle for..." "In the struggle for justice!" "And I is willing to lay down my life." "Just like Martin Luther." "This is local party chairman." "Alan Swan." "He'd been putting together a list of names for the election" "This is a great honour..." "I've always been a particular admirer." "My name is Swan." "Right." "Well...there are 3 really outstanding candidates to match all your critera" "Top of the list is Andrew Hamilton" "Ph.D. political science." "Studied P.P. in Oxford." "Gain a star first." "Have you tried these new chicken dippers?" "They're quite good aren't they?" "Oh yeah, they're really good." "What sauce you going for?" "I think it's barbecue." "Take can't it!" "I can't take it!" "Chicken dippers!" "Good, we can go home now." "Oh nips." "I'II get the keys, yeah?" "Starting again..." "from now!" "No." "Well, what has we got here then?" "I is doin' a serious protest if you don't mind." "Well in that case, we'll leave you to it." "Thanks." "Just one thing though." "Grow biggie, grow!" "Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Lopez!" "Jennifer Lopez lessin of the one from Destiny's Child with the big size!" "Look at it now!" "Look at it now!" "Look at my massive beast!" "You filthy animal." "Old chef This rail is very dirty" "It's going to need a lot of polishing." "Ph.D. in economics. 3 years at Havard Age 34." "Swan, is there any reason why there should be an absurdly dressed" "Halfnaked man chained to a fence being tossed off by an old blind council worker?" "Ignore him." "It's the local idiot making some pathetic protest." "Have him unchained, and bring him in here." "But I'm trying to go through the..." "Bring him in, Swan." "Straight ahead at top of the stairs." "Let me do all the things..." "You want me to do..." "Cut the night, baby, I wanna get freaky with you." "I'm Kate Hedges the deputy prime minister's private secretary" "Please come in, and you can pull your pants up now" "Hello I'm David Carleton the deputy Prime minister" "Hello, I is Ali G. The dominating M.C." "Making bitches touch their punani." "The number after two it'll be..." " Three." "Not Ali A, not Ali B, not Ali C, not Ali D, not Ali..." "E not Ali..." "F but Ali..." " G" "Pro!" "You run tight for a Honkie." "That's his full name and address." "Tell me Ali, do you have a job?" "Unfortunately I has recently gone on the dole." "Really when?" "8 years and 3 months ago." "It said here you claimed disability benefit - are you..." "Yeah, I is actually spasticated." "I got terrible D.J injuries." "I still ain't got full mobility on my main mixing finger." "Everything down there is still working, oh yeah." "Ali, would you sit down." "Please sit down" "Have you ever consider becoming a member of parliament?" "Why would me wanna do that for?" "It's full of pricks." "That's a little harsh." "I'm a M.P. Am I a prick?" "Yes." "Let's try approaching this from an different angle." "Is there nothing in the world that you would like to change?" "Yes, me want to save the leisure center." "Obviously..." "As the M.P of Staines, you could achieve that." "Would you stand as our candidate in this bi-election?" "I got to be honest." "Me ain't actually bind." "I mean, I done it with two girls." "I seen it on the internet." "But me would never feel completely comfortable" "Me being bumped by a man." "Or even bumping a man." "I know a lot of people say never say ever." "But me feel so strong that my exit hole should always stay my exit hole" "Never become my entry hole." "You know how I stand?" "Yes." "Yes, It's been a pleasure meeting you." "Later sweetheart." "David, what are you doing?" "He was the biggest idiot I've ever met." "Choose him" "And there is no way we can win the election.." " I know" "There'll be a leadership crisis And vote of no confidence." "The P.M will be out." "And who could possibly replace him?" "Ali, has 2 week to lose us 18 thousand votes" "Let's get him on the campaign trail." "My name be Ali G, and me is here representing' Staines." "Me wanna know if me can count your vote" "What do you say?" "Definitely not." "Get him off." "Well, since I is here, could I intrest you in a quarter" "Finest Maroccan black, could I?" "Steve, it's your turn to shit for the letterbox." "Our anit-bullying programme has won praise throughout the county" "And incidents bullying in this school are at an all time low." "This is Jonathan who used to suffered terribly at the hands of bullies" "I ain't surprised." "Look at him!" "Hey fatty boom, boom." "Fatty Boom, boom." "Hey!" "You want another cream cake?" "He is a real fat though ain't he?" "Vote for me cause me know what you lesses want" "I is a big supporter of your cause." "And I has got many, many of your videos." "If you vote for me, me give you me pledge to lower taxes on strap-ons" "Why is you getting so eggy?" "Is you all on?" "Ladies and gentlemen." "To commemorate the extension" "Of the town hall." "We are asking all the candidates to laid down a brick." "Ali we wonder whether you're good enough laid one for us now." "We would be honoured." "In front of everyone?" "Yes." "Not bad." "This is absolutely vital." "10 days ago we were 14 points ahead with one day to go we are 8 points behind." "Listen - did you get the manifesto that I sent you?" "Yes, it was very helpful." "30 seconds til we are on air." "Would you like to come with me." "Good luck" "Don't hold back." "What is possibly the most crucial bi-election of the past decade" "We are joined tonight by ex-enviroment secretary and political heavy weight David Griffiths, and newcomer Ali G" "If you haven't made your mind up yet, you will have done by the end of this debate." "Ali, if elected, what would you do for Staines?" "Well, Me'd save the leisure center ain't it?" "You can't suggest that your soul policy is to save a center that is barely used, and are a terrible drain on funds" "What are your others policies?" "My other policies?" "Yes, you must have some." "Well, I think is really important to reduce inflation and also to invest in the nurse..." "Oh, the NHS..." "You're reading from my sheet." "No I ain't." "I thought out these things myself" "You obviously copied from me." "It wasn't me." "Perhaps you'd like to tell me where you stand on the ERM" "No problem." "Me thought the first album was wack" "And to be honest me ain't all in their music." "Quick frankly the voters of Staines deserve better." "You're making a mockery of this debate." "What?" "Is you looking in the mirror?" "All you're doing is making it obvious to all the voters out there what an absolute buffoon you are!" "Talking about yourself again?" "You are an embarrassment to your party and to the people of Staines" "That is not a very nice way to talk about your mum." "I put it to you, that you are the worst possible candidate ever put foward by your miserable party" "Well, I put it to you that you sucked off a horse!" "I did not..." "suck off a horse." "I have already dealt with this issue with the party chairman" "And as I explained to him, I was out hunting with a friend and I slipped onto the end of an horse's fallos" "Which unfortunately, owing to it beeing the mating season, was aroused." "Another dramatic day in the Staines bi-election saw the unexpected withdrawal the opposition candidate David Griffiths." "Tomorrow's vote now become a two horse race between Thomas Alvares and Ali G" "With the result too close to call." "Thomas Alvares Liberal Democrates 5080 votes." "Alistair Lesile Gramham" "Who?" "What a stupid name." "5086 votes." "You won!" "You made it!" "Ali G has been duly elected as member of parliament for Staines." "Now, do you want to see the new member of parliament?" "Look how I is touching myself." "Do you like that?" "Is that turning' you on?" "Not really." "Would you like to give a kiss to Mr Gurkin?" "Oh baby you're so long and hard." "That's the hand brake." "Now let's get jiggy!" "Is it in yet?" "Hey, hey I know you." "You is the giz that did it with that pussy ain't it?" "Respect." "They is dissin' our posse." "I is gonna sort this." "What is he doing?" "Umm..." "I'm not sure, Prime minister." "Relax." "Look at you." "All you ever do day long is cuss each other." "RESTECP." "Do you even know what that spells?" "Restecp?" "Yes." "Restecp." "How is anyone out there meant to restecper each other if you lock in here and don't even start" "Restecping one and other." "Do you know how I'd make this country better?" "It's simple, two words." ""Keep it real!"" "That's 3 words." "That be a spanic. "IT" ain't no real word is short for ini'it." "Keep it real..." "The member of Staines will be banned from the house" "Is it because I is black?" "What in gods name have you done to me?" "Restecp?" "I want that idiot in my office in the morning with his letter of resignation" "Is that clear?" "Come in." "Listen." "Me know me done wrong." "Ali, haven't you read the papers?" "I can't believe it!" "There's a dog that can play table tennis!" "Ali it's the Press, they love you." "But how can he hold the bat?" "Ali, the deputy Prime minister and I were wondering..." "What would you say if I asked you to join the cabinet?" "No, think about it." "Ali joins the cabinet" "The two of them are public allied together." "Ali slips up, and he take that old prat with him." "What makes you think Ali will join?" "Cause I've suggested to the prime minister that he offers to save his leisure center." "Are you mad..." "Let me finish." "Offers to save his leisure center, if Ali can secure him a 20 point lead in the polls." "Now I is in the cabinet and all that, could I have a look at the red button?" "Can I trust you?" "Yes." "Alright." "Now - one touch on that red button - could destroy the whole world." "That is very interesting you say that because..." "No!" "No!" "Ali please stand away." "Can't we just blow up something?" "Of course not." "Please?" "No." "Just somewhere shitty like Wales." "Ali" "I heard the Prime Minister of Wales called your a slug." "I am the Prime Minister of Wales!" "Well, you shouldn't talk that way about your mum, ain't it?" "Your first cabinet meeting is next Thursday" "We're going to be discussing the asylum seekers" "I'm sending you on a fact-finding mission." "If anybody wants to smuggle anything into Britain." "Chances are they will come through here." "And it's not just immigrants." "Take a look at this." "You'll be appalled." "Look at this crap." "30 kilos of marijuana" "Smuggled in from Europe, South America and the Middle East." "That is terrible." "Is there any skunk?" "Yes." "Some scumbag managed to smuggle in 15 kilos of this" "Turns out it's the strongest superskunk ever discovered!" "Over here is where we keep the confiscated weapons." "You must have such a laugh here!" "No, we don't." "This next section is where we keep the mountains of hardcore pornography most of it coming from Germany" "You may not want to look at this..." "No!" "I got a job to do." "I know." "It makes me feel sick too." "Well, I is gonna have to compile my report now, so if you wouldn't mind fucking off." "Certainly, sir." "They'll be sending me down a couple of experts to help with my research" "Hello." "We is experts." "Well, Ali." "Tell us what did you find out in Dover?" "Well, we saw a lot of stuff." "Most of it from Germany" "Of these blokes, all going in through the back door." "He's absolutely right." "I've been to Germany and experienced it myself" "Respect." "I remember one time there were these two huge African men who managed to squeezed themselves into this tiny box." "How long was they in there for?" "15 hours" "It was incredibly emotional." "Must have hurt a lot." "It still does." "Sorry." "So John, what are we going to do about these asylum seekers?" "We can't just let them all in." "It would cripple the economy." "Yes Ali?" "Let's think about this right?" "What is the main thing we ain't got enough of in this country?" "Hospitals?" "No." "Libraries?" "We ain't got enough fit women." "And we has got too many mingers." "No offense." "So why don't we just let in all the fit refugees and turn away all the ramp ones?" "That way we solve both problems." "We is nobbig two birds with one conny, ain't it?" "What do you think?" "I think we should keep it real." "Fit." "Fit." "Wait." "Back to Slovenia." "Education standard are at their lowest in 15 years." "That is because kids is learning stuff that ain't no use to them." "I mean who here has ever used maps?" "Or English?" "Exactly." "Let's start making education relevant." "So, if Kevin buys 6 oz of Jamaican sensimilia from Fat Tony" "For £480, cash in hand" "And has to divide it amongst eleven of his customers" "How much did he charge for 1/8" "So that he can make £100 profit to pay off his child support?" "The situation in Northern Ireland is threathing to spiral out of all control." "The only way you is ever gonna get those Hinuds to stop killing them Islams," " It's actually Catholics fighting Protestants." "What ever." "Is if you get some really fit woman to get her babylons out for peace." "Prime Minister." " Not you, love." "The army is costing the Brittish tax payers 4.2 billion pounds a year" "How does the government intend to reduce this figure?" "We is gonna hire the A-team." "Her majesty, the Queen" "Your majesty, may I introduce Ali G, member of parliament for Staines." "You is much fitter than you look in them coins." "Tell you next time I put a 50 pence piece in my pocket" "Me will feel honoured having your head some close to my nuts." "The jobs figures are of their highest level." "This country has a special relationship with the United States" "What do you think of Bush?" "Me love bush!" "I mean, me love anything that gives foliage to the punani-area" "Would you do a dance for me, please?" "Oh my gosh." "Shaven heaven!" "Respect!" "...as Ali G's influence grows ever stronger Ali G storms the parliament Ali G mania sweeps the UK..." "As of 12 o'clock." "All Rizla's will be free." "To discourage their use, there will be a levy of 25 pence on the pound on panties." "This will exclude thongs." "As for the heatlh service." "Marjuana will be made available free on the NHS" "For the treatments of chronic diseases." "Such as itchy scrunt." "Furthermore" "I am a bell-end..." ""I Iike to take it up the batty." "Yes, I do." "It feel really nice." "And is my favorite." "I used to be a girl and wear knicks." "Honest, ask my mum!"" "More news in central Africa," "Britain is to host a last minute peace conference..." "A triumphant budget, framed by Britain's most controvercial M.P..." "Just because you bought me a fancy frock, don't make up for 3 months of neglect." "Me know." "Listen Ali, I ain't never been to nothing like this before so don't leave me on my own tonight, alright?" "Don't worry baby." "Look, there's the Prime Minister!" "I've seen him on the tellie," "Let me get his autograph!" "This is my Julie." "This is President Waterna from Thailand" "It is a honour to meet you." "Thai, aiiight!" "A present..." "Ali, let's move along." "This is the Mongolian delegate." "Is you a genuine mong?" "Oh, that is fantastic that you're also being represented here!" "I will - go and get you - some nice" " Crayons!" "Should we carry on." "Oh, this is Borat from Kazakhstan." "Bless you!" "It is nice to meet you." "Get off, you batty-boy!" "Ali, Ali you're a cock-sucker..." "Bonjour." "Canapé sir?" "My Julie." "Julie." "Hello?" "What are you doing up here with me?" "Why don't you stay downstairs with that push girl?" "We was just talking about the politics." "I ain't interested in what you've got to say!" "Shut up!" "For real." "Me won't speak no more." "You really are a prank." "Now come here!" "We can't." "This is the P.M.'s bedroom." "Well?" "Why don't you pretend to be the Prime Pinister then?" "Cheeky?" "Ladies and gentlemen..." "In advance of tomorrow's summit" "I shall be having private talks with both parties" "So first President Muephu." "Would you care to join me upstairs?" "My pleasure." "Thank you." "I must say I enjoyed that." "So did I." "I'm so glad we trashed it out." "Ladies and gentlemen, I want everyone to know than President Muephu here is a very big man." "I would like you to know that the Prime Minister was very hard, but very straight." "The President here was very much on top to start off with and I don't mind telling you I was in a deep hole" "Oh very deep." "Yes, but eventhough we had some sticky patches," "I'm delighted to say we came together finally in the end." "Yes, I lapped up everything that you had to offer." "Now President Numpeba, would you care to join me upstairs?" "No bloody way!" "Can I come?" "Come on Ali, let's go home." "I'll cook you up your favourite." "Yeah, butterscotch." "Mmmmm - butterscotch!" "This bit is for the girls." "To show that me can be well sensitive" "By the way, if any of you bitches is fit and into doggie then here is my mobile number." "Callers must be over 16." "But not by too much obviously." "I can't." "They need me at the peace conference tomorrow" "You what?" "What about the people who really need you?" "What about Ricky?" "What about Dave?" "What about me Ali?" "Please come back to Staines." "The world is bigger then Staines." "And me got to save it." "Well, you'll have to do it on your own then." "Julie?" "Julie?" "We've got to get rid of him before this bloody center is saved" "What I thought..." "You thought?" "!" "?" "The United States will do everything in it's power to support Chad in it's stuggle against it's neighbours." "Russia will not allow this western oppression to continue." "In order to support Burkina Faso, is prepared to utilize all our military capabilities." "Ali, Ali, Ali!" "Could be armageddon breaking out!" "Please help me will you?" "Sure, bro." "United State will not be intimidated!" "We are prepared to meet any show of force with our full military might!" "Wait!" "Do you know why there is no shine in there?" "It's cause they ain't been fed their teas!" "Come on, choppy-chop." "Moving to emotion, all those in favour of sending a ran down to the gas station to get some potato chips and chocolate raise your hand." "Oh bummer." "I'm sorry we invaded you." "It was really un-cool." "Who cares?" "It's all in the past." "And hey - if I was going to be invaded by anyone," "I am happy it was you." "You are really cool." "You have nice clothes." "You saved my white ass, Ali." "No problem." "Big up, the herbal tea, aiiight!" "Hey you!" "Britain!" "Respect." "How does he do it?" "You know, we're quite a team Ali." "It's thanks to you, we are 22 points ahead." "I'm going to save that center of yours." "Check out all the pepperami!" "There're for, you Ali." "This is your moment." "Will you comment on accusations that you drugged the leaders of the world?" "You what?" "We have evidence that proves you're guilty." "Well, we have evidence that proves you're guilty." "This is just childish." "This is just childish." "Aren't you by employing this absurd, retorical tactic merely incriminating yourself further?" "Aren't you by dabadabda tactic just simanama your father?" "This bag was sent to my office anonymously this morning." "Do you deny that you stole it from customs and exiles?" "That could be anyones." "What's it got to do with me, come on." "I has got to go." "I is actually touching cloth." "Ali, Ali!" "Oh dear." "There you goes your leisure center." "Clear your desk before you go, will you?" "Prime minister." "We'll miss you, Mr G. Respect." "Mum?" "Can I borrow your car?" "Having a bad day?" "Maybe I can help..." "Is it nippy outside?" "Very." "What is you doing here?" "Let me show you." "So today's main news again." "The prime minister has resigned after the discovery of a video tape from a security camera showing him having sexual intercourse with an unknown prostitute." "That ain't no prostitute!" "That's my hoe!" "As of 11 o'clock this morning, the deputy Prime Minister" "David Carleton will be acting Prime Minister." "Well, that ain't fair." "That weren't the P.M" "Why aren't they showing the rest of the tape?" "Unfortunately, my boss has locked it in the safe at his new office at Chequers, that's where it's staying." "You ain't gonna get away with this." "If you keep your month shut," "David's willing to be very generous." "I'm willing to be very generous." "All that you have to do is keep your mouth shut." "I'm tuning up my engine, Ali." "Fill me with petrol!" "I is gonna to pump you with my five star unleaded, aiiight!" "Let me see your nozzle." "What?" "Oh, you wanna see my nob?" "Alright." "Give me your fuel injection." ""...and in tomorrows phone in, we'll be asking this question:"" ""Have you ever slept with a pig?" "I know I certaily have!"" ""...and we'll be finding out what turns girls like this into slugs..."" "No one calls my Julie a slag!" "Come to mama!" "Take them off!" "This ain't right." "Here set it to vibrate and finish yourself off!" "Open up, open up!" "Your blood, I need your help!" "Everyone on the tele is calling my Julie a slag." "What I heard about her three header at ?" "What three header?" "Nothing." "Anyways I can prove that she ain't" "We've gotta restart Drive-by FM." "What do you say?" "Drive-by FM is back on the road!" "This is Drive-by FM" "The sound of the ghetto coming to you from deep in the heart of Barkshire" "What was that?" "Helicopter." "Hear me now, gangsters." "There is some serious shit going down." "The prime minister, check it, has been chunked out by a geezer who is a massive dong." "He is even more eviller than Skeletor!" "To get the P.M. back in, we needs to get hold of this tape of me nobbin' my bitch." "If you help me rescue this video, we can save the country." "Plus you will get to see my Julie's babylons!" "Oh, wicked!" "That is why I is calling in all of you." "To end the Barkshire turf wars." "There's been enough brothers slain." "So put down your AKs." "Lay down your Uzis." "And unite into one massive Massive!" "And me never thought me would ever say this:" "But big up, the East Staines Massive." "Ali!" "What are you doing, man?" "!" "If you join us." "Tonight I is prepared to hand over the Borrester spider climbing frame in Leargrove Park." "Let's do what Tupac and Biggie never managed, alright." "Here it is, here it is!" "If you wish joining us for this military operation, then meet up wearing your camouflage and your combat gear." "The venue is outside John Nike Lesiure Center, at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning." "Actually that's a bit early." "Can we make it 12?" "Sorry I is late." "But there was something on the tele about monkeys..." "It was really funny..." "Respect to all of you for wearing your camouflage." "It will help you go undetected." "No let's go to Chequers and rescue that tape." "Let's do this for Britain." "Let's do this for my Julie." "And let's do this for hip hop." "Selecta!" "Selecta!" "Hear me now." "I has drawn up a detailed plan of Checkers." "The tape is in the P.M's office." "In a safe." "First up, Ricky, Dave and me will go in." "Jessie, you stay here." "We is gonna be like the A-team." "And I is B.A. Baraccas!" "No, I wanna be B.A. Baraccas!" "But I is very much like him!" ""I ain't gettin' in no plane!"" "Uhuh - "I ain't goin on no plane!"" " What?" ""I ain't gettin' in no plane!"" ""I ain't goin on no plane!"" ""I ain't gettin' in no plane!"" ""I ain't goin on no plane!"" " That's James Brown!" "You'll be Murdoc, and Dave, you'll be Face." "But what do we do?" "You lot stay here, and we all hide, and blend in to the natural habitat." "Then when it gets dark, me will make the secret signal" "Let's go!" "At that point you will tune in all your radios to the baddest speed-garage station, and crank up the volume to the max!" "This will bring out the guards." "And at that point, we will use our cunning to over power them." "Sir?" "What the hell is going on?" "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about sir, but I'll send some men out to check." "See that you do." "I want maximum security." "Patrol the house." "The great hall is exactly like the one in Lara Croft's house" "You know in Tomb Raider 2 in Playstation." "So Dave, if you run at the pillar that will take us through to the underwater kingdom, and on to the next level." "If for some reason that don't work, we must find a way to cross the "touch sensitive floor"" "if we lift our feet at all, we're dead!" "Nothing." "We'll keep on looking." "Next up, we has gotta go through the laser room." "Dave, you will use your special skills to help us through." "Remember if we break any of these beams, it will set the alarms off." "So extra careful!" "Now let's do it!" "This must be the P.M's office." "The tape is in there." "Intruders in my offce." "This is a terrorist attack." "Shoot on sight." "Repeat, shoot on sight!" "The safe." "Yeah I is safe, man." "Open that." "The safe..." "Yeah I is feelin' fine!" "Now open it!" "Behind you!" "Hold on, I thought you couldn't speak!" "It's not really that, I've always been terribly embarrassed about my voice." "Alright, don't go on about it." "Stop giving it all that." "Now if me can just interrupt your life story for one second." "Let's tie these geezers up, and get that safe open." "No..." "I've got it!" "Why don't we link up the batteries of all the cars outside here, and then transfer an electrical current through a human chain, and blow this mother open!" "But won't we get electrocolocuted?" "Yeah, we'll blow the batteries, but we won't get fried as long as the chain don't break, cause we all wearing rubber sole trainers ain't it?" "Trust me, man!" "I got a D in phsyic you know." "Wicked!" "No, b82rez, batteries!" "2g4, together!" "Me was trying to save time." "Switch on the engine pass it on." "Switch on the engine pass it on." "Haha, your voice!" "Switch on the engine pass it on." "Bitch on the pension, suck my dong!" "What?" "Shall I turn the engine on?" "Yeah." "What are you doing?" "I can't help it!" "I'm beeing pulled!" "No!" "Peace, man." "Peace." "The tape ain't there!" "What are you talking about?" "Look for yourself!" "All there is is some photographes..." "And there's a..." "A map of Staines." "Jah Rastafari, Haile Selassi, I an' I!" "They is extending the Heathrow Airport!" "That means..." "They is gonna destroy Staines." "And he is starting in 3 hours." "2 hours, 57 minutes to be precise." "Why has you gotta build this terminal over Staines?" "Because I have bought 600 acres of land there." "Can I have those please?" "Now, don't try escaping from here because this room doubles at a nuclear bunker" "It is completely impenetrable to the outside world." "And I've have forgotten to put on the air supply." "Why don't you just nip outside now and stick it on?" "You know, you really are unbelieveably stupid!" "Hey!" "What?" "Give me them plans!" "Or what?" "Or nipple cripple, that's what!" "Chinese burns!" "You hit me on the nose, you fucking nutcase!" "I ain't being funny, but you should look behind you because there is like a thousand police officers behind you!" "Look, look behind you!" "There is Jennifer Lopez!" "What?" "You wanna bone him right this second, 'cause you is feeling so horny, that if you don't get it now..." "Look, there's 20 squid on the floor..." "There is a squirrel with the head of a chicken, and with fly wings and everything..." "It's just..." "Is you gonna hit me again?" "Uhuh..." "Now I'm going to shoot you." "This is from the people of Staines!" "I think I followed through." "My Julie, are you there?" "Me know what you must think of me." "I've been a piece of knob cheese." "But me got to save Staines, and me can't do it on my own, and and I has shat myself..." "Shit!" "Ricky and Dave." "Ricky?" "We thought that if we was gonna die, we might as well give it a go..." "Well, what's it like?" "It's not bad, you know." "Dave?" "Quite nice, actually." "We'll talk about this later." "Now we got to save Staines." "2 minutes?" "See you in the car?" "Alright, be quick, the feds is coming, and you don't wanna finish up inside!" "I wouldn't do that if I was you." "Ali!" "I love you!" "Julie!" "Hello." "Ignore them and start the demolition." "Wait!" "Don't listen to him!" "He's a criminal!" "And not even the good kind that sells drugs and do drive-bys..." "I has got proof here, that he is trying to destroy Staines." "So what?" "It's a shit-hole!" "Arrest them." "Oh shit." "We is going to jail!" "Every day for the next 20 years, we is gonna get bonged in the showers!" "Hold it!" "Release them." "Under what authority?" "In case you've forgotten, I am the acting prime minister." "You are the disgraced one." "Disgraced by you!" "And this tape proves it." "Kate..." "No David." "When I first entered politics, it was to create a better world." "A world of honesty, integrity and truth." "But somewhere along the way, that vision was lost." "My dream was tornished, and instead I discovered greed, averseness and corruption..." "Boring!" "Arrest him." "Enjoy your life with this fool." "You two deserve each other." "Piss off!" "And you can rest assured we're not gonna build terminal 5 over Staines." "We're gonna demolish Slough instead." "Wicked!" "As of right now, I'm gonna need a new deputy prime minister" "How would you feel about being my right hand man?" "Right hand man!" "Batty-boy, batty-boy!" "What do you say Ali?" "I has shown you the way." "You will have to carry on the journey by yourself now." "As for me, I is gonna stick with my posse." "And my bitch..." "My lady." "The end" "Actually, there is one thing you could do for me..." "This way, ambassador." "The crop is ready for inspection." "Good morning, ambassador." "Ambassador, will you try the harvest?" "This is good shit!" "The man from Staines - He say yeah!" "Ice, please." "Ali, this is a great jacuzzi!" "That ain't the jacuzzi." "Sorry." "Bring her in." "Dance for me, bitch!" "My Julie, me got something to ask you..." "Will you make me the happiest man in the world?" "Yeah, I will!" "Let me shag her then!" "So..." "What did you think of the film?" "It wasn't bad, was it?" "It was easily better than Harry Potter... which me thought was very childish." "If you was watching this Potter, I is better than you!" "You probably ain't even slept with a girl!" "I have slept with three..." "And I got one of them to play with herself." "Anyways, whatever you thought of this film, please tell your mates that it was wicked!" "Cause if this flops, me won't be able to get my nanny a new hip." "So the choice is yours, no pressure..." "Come in, nanny, I told them about it." "What?" "!" "You has fallen over again?" "What, you've done the other one in as well!" "Don't cry there, all mashed up, a lump of bones!" "Me will get you the cash to make it better, somehow..." "Don't be selfish." "Buy the merchandise and all..."