"Honey, I'II be back in a minute." "I'm gonna go get a snack." "Quick, Jazz, hide, man." "Man, I thought you said your uncle was asleep." "He was." "He must have had that reoccurring nightmare... where he misses a meal." "Son, what are you doing still up?" "It's a school night." "Homework, uncle phil." "I'm watching a television program on farm practices in the Midwest." "Look, arnold the pig is wearing Eddie albert's pajamas." "Yeah, I've seen that one." "Turn it off." "Go to bed." "What is that smell?" "I'm sorry, uncle phil, I thought I was alone." "No, I don't mean that." "smells like cheap cologne and fried chicken." "I resent that." "Oops." "About to shake them, not trying to break them." "Let's go." "Looking for little Joe." "Everybody scream when "deuce deuce" hit the floor." "There, right where you belong, in jail." "Aunt Viv, can I borrow some money for protection while I'm in the slammer?" "I am kind of cute, you know." "Sorry, baby, the rent just went up." "And I am moving on up to Park place." "My turn." "Looking for little Joe, Momma's gonna buy a new Gucci bag from the store." "We're home, everybody." "Good evening, Mrs. Banks, Mr. Banks." "How wonderful it is to see the whole family spending time together." "I thought that only happened on The Cosby Show." "Eric, son, you're back early." "You know me, sir." "I wouldn't want to violate your curfew." "Ain't his curfew he's worried about you violating." "You must be carlton." "Your father really speaks highly of all of you at the Iaw firm." "No, my man." "I'm will." "Who?" "So, then, Eric..." "did you two have a nice time at dinner?" "Yes, ma'am." "The restaurant Mr. Banks recommended was excellent." "The view was magnificent and of course it was only enhanced... by your beautiful daughter." "And I can definitely see where she gets her looks from." "Man, I thought you sucked up." "You're just a Dustbuster compared to that dude." "Oh yeah?" "When I'm his age I'II be twice the suck-up." "Eric, I don't know what it is... but you look a little different this evening." "I made him take off those tired glasses." "She thinks I Iook like blair Underwood without them." "obviously, hilary's the one that needs the glasses." "I brought a video home." "would anybody care to watch?" "Great, Dad." "I hope it's a James Bond film." "close." "It's Banks, philip Banks." "When I won the Markus v. State of California case." "Honey, I'm sorry, I'd love to watch... but I have to balance my checkbook." "Not without your banker." "I'd watch it with you but I don't want to." "I guess that just leaves you and me, Mr. Banks." "From what I studied about the case in law school... you were brilliant." "Yeah, I was quite a litigator in those days." "Now it's a rare thing." "So, hilary, has Eric shown you his legal briefs?" "I don't like that guy." "He's a pompous, preppie, suck-up." "He reminds me of someone." "I happen to like him." "He knows how to treat a woman with respect." "Yeah, that reminds me, I need a back seat for my date tomorrow night." "Which means I'm gonna need the car." "So give me the keys." "Tough luck, will." "I have a meeting with my debate team." "Sorry, carlton, but I have to buy a dress." "hold up, hilary." "That is not fair the way you keep hogging the car." "Okay, I'II compromise with you guys." "Let's play rock-paper-scissors." "No, Iet's play Three Stooges." "Hey, Moe!" "Come on, guys." "AII right, you ready?" "AII right, ready, set, shoot." "well, scissors cut paper, will." "Rock breaks your scissors, carlton." "Wait, hold it." "No, you lost fair and square, will." "Looks like you're out of luck." "carlton, I'II drop you off." "Now, hold it." "Don't paper get nothing?" "Paper gets to ride his bike." "What is that?" "Vivian, I think it's the big one." "Not unless he's "down with OPP."" ""Yeah, you know me."" "Surprise!" "You've heard of the batmobile, get a load of the RapmobiIe." "I have never seen so much trash in one car." "Who cut the...." "Mr. Banks." "Sorry, I didn't see you." "As hard as that is to believe." "will, where did you get this car?" "I bought it, Aunt Viv." "With the money from my allowance and my part-time job at the restaurant." "But did you get insurance?" "Check this out, uncle phil." "I got this fly stereo system." "Did you get insurance?" "AII this stuff I got in the car I got from Jazz's connection at the Pep Boys." "His mom used to date them." "But did you get insurance?" "No, but I got this real fly MaIcoIm X air-freshener." "until I see some insurance papers, you're not driving this car." "In fact, what kind of idiot would sell a car without insurance?" "I resent that." "The joke's on you, Mr. Banks." "You can't throw me out... 'cause I'm already outside." "Sweetheart, you look so delicious without those glasses." "Won't you take them off for your little hilary?" "Not you, fool." "could we please have some privacy?" "First things first, you're supposed to be my woman." "I'd Iike an explanation, if you please." "Okay, well, I'm Eric." "How you doing?" "suddenly, I'm hungry for some fried chicken." "Come on, hilary, Iet's get something to eat." "Wait, hold up, my brother, you got this in reverse, man." "You already got her on the couch." "Save your money." "Let me grab my wrap." "What about my rap?" "Man, Jazz, I can't believe this." "The maIIs are closing in 15 minutes." "The bus stop's gonna be packed with honeys." "And the RapmobiIe is on ice." "How uncle phil gonna play me?" "hilary's an ignorant somebody." "She ain't even call me to tell me she quit me." "I deserve that much." "I'm a man." "That's what I'm saying." "I'm a man, too." "But uncle phil's an extremely bigger man." "Two can play at that game." "I got an idea." "The maIIs are closing." "Let's cruise down there in your new ride... and pick up some honeys." "hold up." "Are you telling me that I should disobey my uncle... and do something that he specifically told me not to do?" "It won't be the first time." "Posse out." "A wise butler sees nothing, hears nothing... and takes detailed notes for his book." "Another chapter." "Damn, Eric." "Didn't you see me backing out the driveway?" "I don't believe this." "Your piece of junk just backed into... the custom fender of a $35,000 automobile, pal." "You're gonna have to turn in a Iot of soda cans to pay for that." "I got a whole living room full of soda cans." "Man, I don't believe this." "Lookit, man, this thing used to say "cold chilling." Now it says "old chili."" "What's the name of your insurance company?" "Yo' fault." "I don't have none and I don't need none 'cause it's your fault." "hilary, can I use your phone, please?" "Yeah, go ahead." "It better be a local call, too." "Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Banks." "Mr. Banks, I have a little problem, I need some advice." "I'II meet you upstairs, pooky-pooh." "AII right, son." "Make it quick." "Sir, what would you do if you got into a fender-bender with an acquaintance... who is uninsured and refuses to pay for damages?" "Eric, you're a lawyer." "And as a lawyer, you can't let personal feelings enter into it." "Now, anybody who drives a car without insurance deserves a lesson." "I suggest you take him to court and let justice prevail." "Thank you, sir." "Daddy!" "Hey, hilary, don't worry about it, it's all settled, sweetheart." "will, I'II see you in court." "Court, huh?" "There's a ball and a hoop out back, we can go now, sucker." "still hiding from Dad, huh?" "Look, man, I am not hiding, all right?" "I bought a car, I drove a car, and I had a wreck." "So what?" "I'II tell uncle phil that to his face." "Hi, Dad." "Now that's extremely creative, carlton." ""Look behind you, there's Dad."" "I sure hope Luther Vandross is in the house." "Mr. marshall." "State marshall." "I guess you're looking for will Smith." "There he is, my man, right there." "I'm looking for philip Banks." "I'm philip Banks." "Sir, this is a subpoena." "could you sign right here, please?" "Have a nice day." "I can't believe this." "Eric is taking me to court." "Can he do that?" "will is a minor." "I am his legal guardian." "Whoa, hold it, wait." "Let me get this straight." "I buy a car, I don't get insurance, I get in a wreck, and you get sued?" "That's right, will." "Man, works for me." "Jazz, man, what are you trying to pull?" "$10,000 a year for life." "You know what, I don't think it's quite tight enough." "Okay." "But you can't blame me for my entrepreneurial spirit." "Banks, party of six, please." "Excuse me?" "I'm sorry." "I see they've already been seated." "Sorry." "When I realized I'd have to raise my right hand, I stopped to buy gloves." "could you just die?" "Why, hello, everyone." "Nice day, isn't it?" "I don't have to answer that." "Mr. Banks, I just wanted to wish you good luck." "Son, I'm not the one who's going to need luck." "I'm not only going to win." "I'm going to chew you up and spit you out." "I've seen him do a Iot of chewing... but I ain't never seen him spit nothing out." "AII rise." "Division 43 of the Los angeles municipal Court is now in session." "The honorable Harry wilson presiding." "Seated." "Let's see." "Case number 3005, Sanders v. Banks." "Says here... the defendant, will Smith, allegedly sideswiped the plaintiff, Eric Sanders... at the home of philip Banks." "Home." "Must be nice." "My wife took mine in our divorce settlement." "I hate her." "well then, Mr. Sanders... would you Iike to approach the bench and give us your opening statement?" "Yes, Your Honor." "And, by the way, I am deeply sorry about your domestic situation." "Your Honor, I was backing out of the Banks' driveway... when I heard loud, obnoxious music of the rap persuasion." "The next thing I knew, will Smith... recklessly sideswiped my sole means of transportation." "I object, Your Honor." "Yes, Your Honor, I object, this man is badgering the witness." "Young man, there is no witness." "I know, I just always wanted to say that." "I object because the volume of the stereo has absolutely no bearing... on my client's ability to operate a vehicle." "Objection sustained." "Mr. Sanders, how much are you suing for?" "$2,500 in damages." "would the defense like to make an opening statement?" "No, Your Honor." "I'd Iike to call my first witness, will Smith." "Raise your right hand." "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth..." "so help you God?" "I do." "And I categorically deny all the charges against me." "This is something that's been drummed up by the Democrats." "My fault." "A little too much CNN." "Mr. Smith, could you tell us in your own words what happened?" "Yes." "Peep this, your J-ship." "Me and Jazz were about to cruise down to the mail in the honey wagon." "So we can pack it up with some honeys." "So, I popped a little Peabo in the Pioneer, checked my pocket for my Binaca... 'cause fresh breath can make the difference between... getting a honey's number and getting flipped the bird." "Honey flipped me the bird at a bus stop this morning." "That's the most action I've had in six months." "You were saying something, Mr. Smith?" "Yes, so, I checked my rear-view mirror... and no sooner did I accelerate than out of nowhere the plaintiff... this seer-sucking Brooks Brother over here, came barreling out of nowhere..." "and bashed right into me." "Anything else, Mr. Smith?" "Yeah, keep hope alive." "You are somebody." "Thank you." "You can put your hands down, Jazz." "No way." "Dude's got a gun, next thing you know I got six warning shots in my back." "Jazz." "Okay." "I am putting my hands down now." "Jazz, could you give us your account?" "Can't." "They closed my account." "They said I was allegedly writing bad checks." "I don't know what they talking about." "Those checks was perfectly legible." "Your Honor, I'd Iike to call hilary Banks to the stand." "Were there mitigating circumstances that facilitated the perpetrator... to commit any malfeasance?" "I wouldn't put it in those words, exactly." "Why not?" "Because I don't know what they mean." "AII I remember was loud music and something that smelled like... cheap cologne and fried chicken." "Loud music?" "Loud enough to drown out the sound of my horn, Miss Banks?" "Yes." "You see, Your Honor, if my own passenger could not hear my horn... then it was impossible for will Smith to hear it." "Which is why my numerous warnings went unheeded... and he continued to accelerate." "That, and that alone, Your Honor... caused the extensive damage to my honey wagon." "I mean my car, sir." "would you Iike to cross-examine, Mr. Banks?" "Yes, Your Honor." "Miss Banks." "Daddy." "Do you mind if I ask what Mr. Sanders was wearing the night of the accident?" "Eric was wearing his fabulous stonewashed Girbaud jeans... that I picked out, of course... a Hugo Boss shirt, and leather boots." "And on his face?" "Nothing." "You mean those awful glasses?" "No, I made him take those off before we left the house." "So you're saying that Mr. Sanders was not wearing his glasses... even though this Photostat of his license clearly states that he should wear them... at all times while operating a vehicle." "Oopsy." "I rest my case, Your Honor." "Case dismissed." "AII right." "Your J-ship, my number's in your file." "Get with me sometime." "Peace out." "well, congratulations, Mr. Banks." "Don't congratulate me, son, you did an excellent job." "You're going to be a great lawyer someday." "And bringing up that stereo volume issue was excellent strategy." "well, thank you very much, but it was clearly no match for your glasses defense." "Why don't we discuss that over dinner tonight?" "We'd love to have you." "well, sure." "Man, I guess if uncle phil can be a big man about this... so can I." "Of course, it's a Iot easier for him." "well, I guess we both got off on the wrong foot." "No hard feelings?" "No hard feelings, man." "Ready, set, shoot." "well, paper...." "Ready, set, shoot." "well, scissors cut paper, will." "Rock breaks...." "Rock breaks your scissors, carlton." "Wait, hold it." "english"