"Subs by Mothman" "And you're sure this test is gonna work?" "Positive." "Simon drops the washing machine... and if Sam is able to use his evil power to protect himself... we'll have our proof." "He's the son of the devil." "But if he's just human, he'll be crushed." "You're the one who suspects he's Satan's spawn." "You want to know for sure." "Yes, I do." "Whoa!" "Well, there you go." "Proof." "He is evil." "He seemed like such a nice kid, so helpless." "Helpless?" "Tony, come on." "This is the heir to the devil's domain... the harbinger of the apocalypse." "He will rise to power in his lifetime... and bring about the destruction of human civilization." "He is evil like none have known before." "Whatcha doing?" "What does that look like to you?" "Unicorn fighting a werewolf." "Well, it's the ultimate battle." "What?" "Do you see a person, like maybe somebody we knew?" "Well, who do you think it looks like?" "I think it looks like Steve." "Steve?" "Dead gay demon Steve?" "Yeah, do you see it?" "Look!" "Steve fighting a unicorn." "You guys are jerks." " Hey!" " Hey!" "You were supposed to pick me up from the jail." "Oh." "That was today?" "Could've sworn that was tomorrow." "Benji, we're so sorry." "At least they hooked you up with that weird suit." "Yeah, it was a present from an attempted murderer I met." " That's an attempted murder suit?" " Yes." "Nice." "Can I try on the jacket?" "Hands off." "I let you try on my homeless guy pants, come on." "It's not the same." "All right, I'm going on break." "I'm home!" "Come to do my laundry!" "Unless you want to do it for me." "I could use some ironing as well if you want to..." "There's nothing rational about it!" "Okay, agreed!" "Dad?" "Hey, Sam." "Must be laundry day." "Yeah." "Is everything okay?" "I saw you guys fighting." "Oh, that." "Yeah." "No, we're fine." "Just the usual things..." "money, bills." "Why are you standing in a circle?" "Wow, look at that." "I don't know." "There were some kids in the neighborhood... doing chalk graffiti." "There's chalk on your pants." "It's on your hands, too." "Wow!" "Look at that." "That stuff is everywhere." "Damn kids." "You know, I'm gonna get the hose, all right?" "Yo!" "Sammy!" "Hey." "What's this?" "Lottery day." "Jackpot's up to 247 million." "You want a quick pick?" "No, I'm good." "You know, I got to say... this is one of my greatest inventions." "You invented the lottery?" "You betcha." "State-sponsored gambling." "Minimum-wage earners spending their last buck... on an 18 million-to-one long shot." "I like to call it "the idiot tax."" "How did you meet my dad?" "Didn't your parents ever tell you?" "No." "All they said was that my dad was sick... and they made a deal with you, so he got better." "They weren't gonna have any kids... but you tricked them into having me." "Well, hey, if that's what they said... then it must be true." "I mean, why would they lie?" "You're saying they're lying?" "Listen, Sammy." "They're your parents and you love them." "But people who make deals with me... generally aren't big on integrity." "You can't get blood from a stone." "I'm just saying." "But here, this will take your mind off it." "Sit down." "Your next soul..." "Madame Ozera... a Romanian fortune teller from the early 1900s." "She read tarot cards?" "Yeah, she was the real deal." "Sold her soul to me for the power to predict the future." "Earned quite a reputation for herself... until the local villagers hung her from a tree... for consorting with the devil." "Surprisingly perceptive for a bunch of clods with pitchforks." "Let me guess." "Fortune teller's back in business." "With a vengeance." "That is just rude!" "You know what's rude?" "We had lunch plans for an hour ago... and where were you?" "Here sleeping." "Oh." "Well, not anymore." "Let's go get some grub, huh, baby?" "I already ate." "In that case, do you mind if I go back to sleep?" "I was kind of having a kick-ass dream about zebras." "You don't understand, do you?" "They're just basically striped horses." "Sock, you don't get that you're being a bad boyfriend." "I'm not being a bad boyfriend." "You need to put more energy into our relationship." "Oh, my God." "Josie, relationships aren't about energy." "They're supposed to be effortless and easy." "People have to work at relationships all the time." "You know what?" "If this is just another job... that I have to keep, then I quit." "You quit?" "You're fired!" "Ouch." "Mm-hmm." "And we're over." "So clever." "Never heard that one before." "You guys broke up again." "She'll be back." "The dance continues." "Steve?" " Sock!" "Look!" " What?" "It came back through two coats of fresh paint!" "Tough little bastard." "You don't see Steve at all?" "Look it." "Unicorn, werewolf." "End of discussion." "Also it looks like the werewolf grew a nice set of jugs." "Ah, Sam, Sock." " Hey." " Hey, Tony, how you doing?" " I'm good." " Question." "You see anything?" "Yeah, it looks like black mold." "You should have that remediated." "It's super toxic." "Hey, guys, I need to ask a favor." "Do you have a second?" "Yeah, sure." "Whatever." "Well, I can't really discuss it here." "We need to discuss it somewhere a little bit more, um, circular." "Here we go." "Okay." " All right." " All right." "Three dudes in a tent." "Sexy." "We have a new plan." "What is this?" "It's a cage designed millennia ago by King Solomon... and in this cage, Solomon captured Asmodeus... king of demons." "Its strength is unbounded, and we're going to use it... to trap and bind the devil forever." "No, Tony." "The last time you tried to defeat the devil... it ended in death and destruction." "I mean, come on." "You got to think about this." "I have, Sam." "We will succeed." "I don't want to be involved." "Actually, I'm not asking you to be involved, Sam... but this cage is gonna need plenty of supplies." "So I only need one thing from you." "Your employee discount." "Oh." "Okay." "No, wait." "Use mine." "Use mine, Tone." "I want the commission." "Eat it." "There you go." "All right." "Let's grab the rest." "I'll be right in, all right?" "Just wanted to come over and say thank you." "For what?" "Well, I think what you demons... are doing to el diablo is awesome." "I'm all about fighting the power, taking down The Man." "Know what I mean?" "You ever see Erin Brockovich?" " Yes." " Yeah?" "This guy's favorite movie." "All time." "Let me take a look at this." "All right, you know what?" "I'm gonna go in and grab all this hardware for you... and you stay put, okay?" "I appreciate that." "Cute horns, by the way." "Not creepy at all." "Okay, I'll be back." "Hey." "It's amazing how funny and full of life you are." "Yeah." "I guess it is pretty amazing how full of life I am." "Coming out every hole." "Kiss me." "What?" "Kiss me now." "That's really flattering." "I just..." "Whoa!" "I have a girlfriend." "I mean, I don't know." "We're on a break." "It just happened, though." "I don't really know what the rules are in that, so..." "Just think of it as a thank you for all your help." "Okay." "I will think of it like that." "Oh!" "Whoa!" "Let me just catch my breath." "That was weird." "All right, bring it on." "Sock!" "Sock!" "Sock!" "You okay, man?" " Where is she?" " What?" "Who?" "Marlena, the hot demon chick." "Where'd she go?" "They took their stuff and they split." "You sure you're okay?" "Yeah, man." "I'm fine." "Actually, hell, yeah." "I feel rested, but totally pumped." "You know what I mean?" "You know what I feel like doin'?" "I feel like I could just, I don't know... lift this car." "No." "How about this?" "Want some of this?" "Sock that!" "How'd you do that?" "I don't know." "That's crazy, right?" "I was in the back of the truck with Marlena and she..." "She what?" "Nothing." "I'm gonna go blast my tris." "Wanna come?" "Okay, Sam." "I think I got something." "You want me to hire a dominatrix?" "No, but I was thinking that maybe this... could help us track down our fortune teller... although I can't find any Madame Ozera... so I think she might've changed her name or something." "All right." "Let me know what you find out." "What?" "No." "Isn't this your job?" "It is, but I'm delegating... and also, I haven't told you this..." "I never learned how to read." "God, you are so weak." "Hey, wait, before you go, I want to ask you something." "What?" "You know that mold stain on the wall?" "Yeah, the one you think looks like Steve?" "I saw him." "I saw him here in The Bench." " Really?" " Yes." "I know, It sounds crazy... but there he was on the security monitor..." "looking right at me." "And now the stain's back, and I'm thinking..." ""Is this all in my head?" ""Is this actually..." "Is this really happening?"" "Forget it." "I sound nuts." "No, you don't." "I mean, a month ago..." "I didn't believe that the devil existed... but now, I mean, Sam, we know for a fact... that there's life after death." "So Steve appearing as a stain on the wall... it's not that crazy at all." "So what do you think it means?" "Maybe he's trying to tell you something." "Then why doesn't he just say it?" "Why did God appear to Moses as a burning bush... or why do angels appear in dreams?" "Maybe it's because they need to prepare you with signs, you know?" "Or maybe they just like messing with your head." "I don't know." "But next time you see Steve, just ask him." "Baseball?" "I scout for the Yankees in my off-time." "Play some catch?" "Oh, come on, girlfriend." "Try not to embarrass yourself." "Come on." "Hey, you got a pretty good arm." "I used to play a lot with my dad." "Yeah." "Relaxing, isn't it?" "We ought to do this more often." "So how's Tony's rebellion going?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Settle down there, Rocket!" "You do remember the deal we made, don't you?" "About you spying on Tony for me?" "Oh, yes, yeah, of course." "I think he kind of gave up on the whole rebellion." "I mean, I haven't heard anything, so..." "Hey, did your dad ever teach you how to throw a curve?" "What?" "No." "Let me show you the grip." "God!" "I know all about your little circle jerks." "I just want you to tell me what those demons are up to, huh?" "Please!" "I don't know!" "Sammy, come on." "I can go on like this... for about, oh, eternity?" "Okay!" "They're building a cage!" "A metal cage, a cage to trap you!" "You don't mean Solomon's cage?" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh, man." "That is fantastic." "What a bunch of dummies." "That cage'll never work on me." "It might have the power to ensnare a demon... but come on, I'm the Man." "So you're not worried?" "Not a bit." "In fact, I feel like celebrating." "I'll buy you a beer." "It's never gonna hold him." "Trust me." "It'll work." "It's never been tested on Satan before." "Well, we're not trying to capture Satan." "We're trying to capture his son." "What if Sam's powers are greater than we know?" "Doesn't matter." "He can't control them." "There has never been a better time... to capture Sam than right now." "This cage will bind... the black soul of the devil's son for all eternity." "Do you need anything like a cold drink, foot massage?" "Oh, my God." "I felt so good for a couple of hours... and now, I barely have enough energy to scratch my junk drawer." "Would you mind, Sam?" "All right, I've narrowed down your list of suspects." "Great!" "Okay, rook, let's see what you got." "Only four fortune tellers in the area are female... work exclusively in tarot cards... and opened up for business in the last six months." " She's the one." " That's her." "How do you know?" " Just going with the gut." " Experience." "It's because she's hot." "This is your process?" "I spend hours on the phone... and you guys just let your crotches be your guide?" "And yet the job always gets done." "All right, I'm gonna clock out, and we'll go get her." "Sam." "Steve, is it you?" "Ask about Cancun." "What does that mean?" "Sam?" "Wait, did you see him?" "Who?" "Steve!" "He was right there!" "Whatever." "Hey, listen." "We gotta make one little pit stop... before we go soul-nabbing, all right?" "Drop off a load of lumber to demon central." "All right, can it wait until I..." "No!" "No, Sam!" "This is a priority for me, okay?" "Okay." "Let's go." "Guys, a little to the right!" "Straight back!" "Bring it back!" "That's good!" "Yeah." "These are too heavy to haul by hand." "We're gonna have to bring in a forklift." "Hey, what a cool surprise." "Yeah." "We need to talk... about the kiss." "Okay." "I'm really sorry I kissed you, Sock." "It was reckless and selfish of me... and it'll never happen again." "Selfish?" "What?" "No." " No, I dug it." " Really?" "I don't actually remember the kiss because I blacked out... but how I felt afterwards, it was amazing." "But then came the crash." " There's a reason for that." " Yeah?" "I'm a special kind of demon." " Okay." " A succubus." "A succu-what?" "It means I feed on human life force." "You feel really great in the short term... but every time I kiss you, it... it sort of shaves about a year off your life." "Oh, but that would be the ass-end in my life, right?" "The crappy years?" "Right?" "I really like you, Sock." "That's why it can never happen again." "Right." "Right, that makes sense." "Totally." "Totally making sense to me now." "I mean, what, throwing away a year of your life... for the best high anyone's ever felt?" " That's crazy!" " Yeah." "Stupid." "Okay, all right, look, I have a proposition for you." "Okay." "What if we agree to hook up once a year?" " You think?" " Yeah." "Because then I don't have to die... or whatever right away and we both get our fix." "That could work." "That could totally work." "Good." "Okay, good." "So what are you doing for New Year's then?" " Nothing." " Me neither!" "Fantastible!" "Okay, good." "So that's like, what, seven months from now?" "Tony." "Hey." "Hey." "Did you bring the rest of the supplies?" "Hey, can I talk to you a second?" "Sure, okay, sure." "Step into my office." "This is gonna sound really weird... but I think Steve's been appearing to me." "There was this mold stain on the wall at work... and then I saw him in my line at the register... and then in the locker room." "Steve might be trying to..." "Tony, are you all right?" "Do you think he would appear to you, Sam, and not to me?" "Is that what you're saying?" "Tony, I don't know." "I..." "Is there a chance that he might have made it to heaven?" "That he's an angel again?" "Stop it, Sam." "You don't know what you're talking about." "God's capacity for forgiveness, a capacity so vast... it's beyond mortal comprehension... does not and will never extend to demons." "I'm sorry, Sam." "Anyway, let me get back to work." "Wait." "Um... there's actually..." " There's one more thing." " Yeah?" "It might be possible that the devil... might already know your plans here." "It might be possible?" "Highly probable." "He made me tell him what you were doing." "Tony, I'm so sorry." "You know what?" "I appreciate you telling me... and it's all right, Sam." "But isn't everything gonna be ruined?" "Not at all." "We actually assumed that you'd share... this information with the devil." "That's why we didn't tell you everything." "We've pretty much been lying to you... from the very beginning to protect you." "That's great." "I thought you were gonna kill me when I told you." "Things are going exactly as planned." "I wouldn't think about it for another minute." "All right?" "All right." "Hey!" "You guys seen that huge wooden beam anywhere?" "You know what I'm talking about?" "Oh!" "That's it right here in my arms." "Whatever." "No big deal." "The devil said this soul can really predict the future." "I say we test her, we nail her with the vessel." "Good, good, good!" "Did you eat, like, sixteen Pixy Stix?" "Why are your lips still flapping?" "I don't want to waste this buzz, guy." "Let's go rock 'n' roll!" "Afternoon, gentlemen." "Are you here for a reading?" "Yeah, we are." "One customer at a time, please." "Thank you." "Is this your first time?" "Yup." "Well, then you're in for a treat." "The Emperor." "This often symbolizes the father figure." "You have recently come into conflict with your father." "Good guess." "The Ace of Swords." "This means truth, integrity." "But it's inverted, signifying deceit." "A lie has come between you and your father." "What kind of lie?" "Death... but inverted again." "The lie is about your birth." "The devil obscures the truth between you and your father." "Wait." "What is the truth?" "Was there supposed to be more than one of those?" "What does that mean?" "It means our session is over, and I am not going back to hell." "Sammy?" "Hey, Sam, you dropped your baseball." "Oh, my God!" "Sam!" "Sammy!" "What do I do?" "Sammy!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "Where's the soul?" "Where'd she go?" "Back door." "I'm gonna set you down." "You catch your breath... and we'll go bag this soul, all right?" "Sam!" "Okay, I'm sorry!" "Oh, my God!" "All right, okay." "All right." "All right, it looks like we're bagging this soul together, huh, buddy?" "Hop on!" "Okay." "Let's go!" "Sock, it's her!" "She's gone!" "What are we gonna do?" "Hold on!" "Wait, Sock!" "What!" "Hold on!" "We're gonna cut her off, Sammy!" "We got her, Sammy!" "We got her so nabbed!" "Sock, how are you doing this?" "I'd love to explain... but I'm afraid you'll think less of me." "But when she told me she was into me, I couldn't resist." "Anyway, maybe I was a little guilty about that... 'cause it was kind of sexual, but I know what people think of me." "They think Sock does a bunch of drugs... but I really don't." "This is so new for me." "Turn around!" "Go, go!" "Sam!" "Sock!" "Yeah!" "You carried him on your shoulders for a mile." "Maybe two." "Might've been five." "I don't know." "Lost track." "Right." "Yeah." "I was in the zone, Benji." "Ever heard of it?" "Adrenalin." "Focus." "I'm detecting a little skepticism." "You're on drugs." "Definitely detecting skepticism." "Listen to me." "You're on drugs, and you need to stop, Sock... or I'm telling your mom." "No, that's... don't..." "Don't do that." "No." "That's hasty." "Well, tell me what the hell's going on." "All right, okay." "It's Marlena." "You know that tasty little demon treat?" "I don't get it." "All right, listen to me." "Don't tell anybody." "When she kisses you..." " You kissed her?" " Shh!" "Just let me..." "When she kisses you... it's like the most unbelievable... smack..." "No!" "Wrong choice of words." "Rush." "It's an unbelievable rush." "I don't even know how to describe it." "All I know is that one kiss from her... and I felt better than I've ever felt in my entire life." "What does that even mean?" "Okay, do you know how good you feel... when you wear your bike pants?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "It's like that times twenty." "I want a taste." "I'm really glad you called." "So am I." "I know we have to be careful... but I just feel such a connection with you." "Yeah, me too." "I know." "I know what you mean." "Yeah." "It's crazy, isn't it?" "It is crazy." "Let me introduce you to my friend Benjamin." "Hey." "Benjamin, this is Marlena." "How you doing?" "Sock, what's going on?" "Well, I just thought that, uh... maybe we could come... to some kind of arrangement with..." "I don't understand." "Okay." "I was wondering if..." "If you're okay with it, obviously... if we could share this good thang we got going on... with Ben, my very good friend, who is very discreet... and who is also very full of life like me." "I can pay." "You want me to kiss him?" "Well, I want you to want to kiss him." "I can't believe this." "No, what..." "I was actually interested in you." "Well, yeah, but, uh..." "No worries." "You tried." "Well, if it's any consolation, I'll probably be dead in three years." "Well, this is a nice surprise." "I need to know what you're lying to me about." "What?" "There's something you're not telling me." "Some lie, some..." "something about my birth... about the deal with the devil." "Where are you getting this from?" "From a fortune teller!" "Well, come on, Sam." "You should know better... than to trust one of those people or believe anything they say." "Everything else she said was true!" "And now you're having... secret conversations with Mom inside circles." "Dad, I know what that means." "I am not lying about anything." "Fine, fine." "I want to talk to Mom." "Well, she's not here." "I'll wait." "What do you have to bring up all that for?" "Why are you dredging up the past?" "It's not the past, Dad." "It's happening right now." "Well, there's nothing we can do about it, Sam!" "Nothing we can change!" "Come on, things aren't so bad now, are they?" "My life is at risk every day... because of the deal you and Mom made." "I know you don't like to hear about stuff like that... but it's the truth." "Now I want the truth." "I want to know what's going on." "You're right, Sam." "You're right." "There is something I haven't told you... something I'm forbidden from telling you." "I wish I could, Sam." "You have no idea how much I wish I could." "But if I did, it would all fall apart." "I'm so sorry." "So am I." "Tony, hey." "Hey, Sam." "Would you mind stopping by the site?" "We have something we'd like to show you." "Yeah, I can come right now." "I have to talk to you anyway." "Perfect." "We'll see you soon." "Hey, Sam." "Thanks for coming." "Yeah." "How do you like it?" "It's good." "I have to talk to you." "I had a fight with my dad... and there's some secret he's not telling me." "Yes." "We know." "What?" "Tony!" "What are you doing?" "!" "I take no pleasure in this, Sam." "None at all." "No." "Get me out of here!" "But you had to have suspected." "After all this time, you must know." "Know what?" "You are the son of Satan, Sam." "What?" "Think about it." "Your powers, your relationship to him." "Your parents didn't make a deal for your soul." "They made a deal to bear the child of Lucifer!" "No." "No." "It's not true." "Every page referring to the identity of your father in the deal, Sam... ripped out!" "Ripped out." "They were trying to hide the truth from you." "No." "Come on, Tony." "He's not my father!" "He is, Sam." "Fill it up." "Tony, no!" "Wait!" "Tony, come here!" "Come here!" "Tony!" "Please!" "Tony, come back!" "Sam!" "Sam!" "Dad!" "I'm down here!" "Sam, it's gonna be all right." "Don't you worry." "I'm gonna straighten all this out up here." "Hey, wait." "Dad, wait!" "Hey, listen, guys." "We've got a little bit of a misunderstanding here... but I can explain everything, okay?" "So, who's in charge?" "Guys?" "Who's in charge?" "I just need five minutes to bend your ear, tops." "Dad!" "Tony, just come on!" "Just let him go!" "He's got nothing to do with this!" "Good-bye, Sam." "Wait." "Tony, you know I'm not evil." "Why would Steve be appearing to me if I was?" "I think he's trying to protect me." "No, no, no." "Do not mention his name." "I'm not gonna listen to your forked tongue." "You are the reason that my Steven is dead." "I blame you!" "Fill it up!" "Wait, Tony!" "Cancun!" "Cancun!" "What did you say?" "Steve wanted me to ask you about Cancun." "What does it mean?" "It's where we took our first vacation." "We called it... heaven." "Steve?" "You made it." "You made it to heaven?" "It's even better than Cancun." "We can't do this." "No!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Tony!" "Hey, I didn't realize you were coming over tonight." "Sam?" "Did you call the police, Sam?" "No, I didn't." "I wanted to talk to you first." "Good." "We'll keep the police out of this, then." "Why?" "How would we explain your father being buried alive in a cage... covered with mystic symbols?" "I don't know." "'Cause there's no good explanation short of the terrible truth." "No, your father stays buried." "Mom?" "Was Dad my real father?" "Of course." "I'm sorry." "Tomorrow, you can show me where your father died." "I would like to lay some flowers." "Sam." "I just wanted to pay my respects." "Please accept my condolences." "I don't believe you." "I want you to take some time off." "Spend time with your friends, with your girl." "We'll both know when you're ready to come back." "All right." "You take care of yourself, kiddo." "Wait." "I need to ask you something... and I need to know that you're giving me a straight answer." "Oh, look, Sammy." "I have too much respect to lie to you... so I tell you in advance... that I most probably am going to lie to you." "I'm the devil, Sam." "Lying is kind of like my whole bag." "Yeah, well, I figured as much." "Smart boy." "You'd think I'd have the perfect words... to make you feel better." "Oh, I know." "I'm really, really sorry." "It's okay." "Hey." "All right, let's wrap this up." "Listen to me." "This is the first and last time... you'll ever hear me say these words... but we shouldn't be drinking tonight." "Yup, so come with us now." "Okay, all right." "Andi, do you mind if I just go with the guys?" "No, of course not." "Just call me later." "All right." "Bye, Andi." "Bye." "What do you think?" "It's beautiful." "We figured your dad didn't get his proper send-off." "You know what, Sammy?" "I don't know what to tell you... to make you feel better right now." "I don't." "But I do know how to blow stuff up." "So I figured I'd play to my strengths, right?" " Thank you." " You're welcome." "I need to tell you guys something." "Turns out the devil might be my dad." "Evidently, I'm destined to end the world." "I can't let that happen." "Well, you know what?" "You're not really very good at anything... so you'll probably screw that up, too." "Thanks." "If you're the devil's son, why did Tony save you?" "Yeah." "He said he saw Steve, and he just..." "He knew he couldn't kill me, that God had another plan." "Well, that's good, right?" "No." "Those other demons, they're not gonna stop." "They're gonna keep coming until I'm dead." "You're a marked man." "So I get it." "I understand if you guys can't hang out anymore." "I am sorry, Sam, but we are not here... to listen to you whine about which dark army... has marked you for death, okay?" "We are here right now... to honor the passing of the man... who may or may not have been your biological father." " Well said, Sock." " Thank you." "I recommend lighting the right foot... and then running like hell." "Damn it!" "Okay, wait." "What took you so long?"