"INFAMOUS "LADY-THIEF" ROMEO STRIKES IN NEW YORK." "Museums on alert!" "Who will be next?" "THE MONA LISA IS MISSING" " It's only you, Curator." " It's working quite well." "But the alarm was set off only by my second foot." "Look into it, gentlemen, without delay." "Tell Lemercier to come right away." " Hello, Mr Lemercier." " Hello, Mme Lemercier." " And the third?" " No news." "I waited three days, that's enough." "I need a third apprentice." " Bye, George." " Watch the glass!" " Thank you, my sweet." " You could have been fatally injured." "I'll give you fatal injuries." "To work!" "Bye, Titine." " Good morning." " Can I help you?" " I'm interested." " You took down my sign." "You don't need it now." "Cigar?" " No." " Yes." "If I were you, I'd be interested." "An apprentice like me." "I'm a very good frame-maker." "I've already proved myself." "My references." "Let me see." "Not bad." " Why are you out of work?" " I've been travelling." "Where are you from?" "Does it matter?" "Not at all." "Does it?" "I can't decide right now." "I'm needed at the Louvre." "Very well." "I'll await your return." "Here?" "Here." "All right, follow me." " Who's this, then?" " My new apprentice." "May I?" "Thanks." "I'd been racking my brains." "Come on!" " Maybe we could have a game some day?" " Maybe." "The problem's over here." "You see?" "No, it's not dangerous." "We've caught it in time." " What's caused it?" " The air, the dust, the heat.." " Yes, the heat." " Can you repair it?" " If you'll permit me to examine it." " Of course." " I'm sorry." "It was clumsy of me." " This young man is..." "It's perfect!" "At least the alarm is working properly now." "Pick that up and re-set the alarm." "Let's get back to business." "A letter and a straw hat, that's very good." "She gets sacks of letters every day." "From nutters!" "This curator is fanatical about alarms." "If he carries on like this, he'll be putting alarms on the ashtrays." "Between you and me, where did you learn to play chess like that?" "In Vienna, Moscow, New York." "Here and there." " Look." "Your keys." " My keys!" "One thing's certain." "This painting is fragile." " We'll take care of it straight away" " May I make an observation?" " No." " Of course." "There's something much more urgent." "Look at the Mona Lisa." " The Mona Lisa?" " Yes." "Turn off the alarm." "Let's have a look." " Where?" " There." "It's nothing much, but it is something..." "I've always thought this painting needed better protection." "What do you think?" "I'll think about it." " What about a shadow box?" " Not a bad idea." "Just what I was going to suggest." "The distance between glass and canvas will give us protection without reflections." "Well done, my boy." "You have good eyes." "Good recruit, Lemercier." "What are you looking at?" " Nothing." " Nothing at all." "You should think before you make suggestions." "It'll take me two days to make that shadow box." " I'll make it for you in two hours." " Conceited ass." "I bet you a month's wages I can do it." "Let's say three months." "Don't be ridiculous!" "He can't afford..." " I accept those terms." " Then he'll have to stay here." "Nonsense." "I don't see why." "But where's he going to live if you take all his money?" "Don't be silly." "Call off the bet or let him stay here." "Here." "Do you like riddles?" "So-so." "Who's as mean as Scrooge, jealous as Othello, but even meaner than he is jealous?" "Your beloved husband." "Who's as greedy as a pussycat?" " Amorous as..." " As two pussycats." "Two pussycats." "And even more amorous than she is greedy?" "Your beloved husband's wife." "Is that all your luggage?" "Everything else, I carry with me." "Here's my comb." "What is it?" " Wax." " What's it for?" "It's for making casts of door keys, of lovely ladies who lock themselves in at night." "It's so hot in here." "At your service." "Who's spending too much time whistling when he is urgently needed?" "Your beloved husband's new apprentice." "Who doesn't like day for certain things and prefers to wait till after dark?" "Pussycats." "And me." "May I help?" "Thank you, son." "Yes, young man?" " Well, I..." " Number 25 is ready, Mme." "Show this couple to Number 25, Nicole." "Nicole." "Hello." " I have to take this to the laundry." " Don't worry, I know the way." " What do you want, young man?" " I'll be right back." " Heading this way or following me?" " Following you." "In that case, make yourself useful." "I was so afraid." "I looked everywhere for you." "I thought you were just a dream." "Let me look at you." "Put it in the basket." "Take some clean sheets from the second shelf." "You're good with pomade but not so clever with numbers." "You have two eyes, two ears." "There are three shelves." "This is the second shelf." "One, two." "All sheets look the same to me." "Small beds aren't the same as big beds." "Follow me." "I like it when you give me lessons in arithmetic." "Let's see." "I've got one mouth, you've got one mouth..." "Together, that should make..." "You're no fool." "My turn to ask you a question." "About five foot nine, two dark brown eyes, and about 30 very white teeth." "What does that add up to?" "The man of your dreams?" "Absolutely not." "One conceited idiot in a basket of dirty linen." "When you get out, bring those to Number 27." "It takes hours to open this frame and close it again." "It'll be much easier once the shadow box is finished." "Right." "You've got all the measurements you need?" "The day after tomorrow is cleaning day, isn't it?" " How about a game of chess?" " OK." "Where?" " The little bistro round the corner." " I go there all the time." "Why don't we have a game now?" "All right." "Let's go." "Just going for a walk." "The chessboard, please." "It's good luck to change places just before a game." "I never knew that." "Good luck for who?" "For the winner." "You're quick off the mark." "I'm not very quick off the mark." "This is going to take a long time." "Then I'll put it to good use." "I'm not finished yet, you know." "Evening." "I have all the measurements." "I'll start work right away." "You certainly take your time." "If you don't mind, I'll work in my room." "There." "Off you go." "There we are." "There we are." "There we are." "There we are." " Good night." " Good night." "They're called myosotis, also known as "forget-me-nots"." "What are you doing here?" "You're warm." "It is warm." "They're called myosotis and "forget-me-not"." "I know." "You know you're not allowed in here?" "You know that I'm very disobedient?" "So I climbed in anyway." " Are you very poor?" " Yes." "That's a pity." " Why?" " Because you're handsome." "And if you were rich, I'd let you kiss me." " Are you rich?" " No, I'm very poor." "I'll let you kiss me anyway." "No." "Poor people shouldn't kiss each other." " Why not?" " Because it leads nowhere." "Nowhere?" "Go away." " I don't want to." " But I want you to." " Will you throw me out the window?" " What do you mean?" " You threw me into a basket." " I was in a different mood then." " Now you're sad." " Yes." "If only I had money..." "I'm not ugly, I'm young" "Nothing ever happens to me." "I happened." "Yes, that's what happens to me." " Horrible old rich men." " That's not me." " Or handsome young poor men." " That's me." "What can I make out of someone like you?" "I know." "What?" "We can make love." "No." "Well, then let's go dancing." "Then let's cry." "Let's sing a duet." "Let's get drunk." "I've got an idea." "What?" "Let's make love." "Then what?" "Then..." "Let's go dancing." " How did you get the money for this?" " I stole it." "I can't breathe!" "Nor can I." " You're holding me too tight." " So are you." " Then let me go." " There you are." "Let's sit down." "Where are you?" "Here's your nose." "It's cold." "Here's your cheek..." "It's warm." "Here's your..." "Ladies and gentlemen!" "And now for the amazing..." "Me." "As usual, this evening I will choose a lady from amongst you all." "Or rather..." "My dove will choose her." "Come now, Mme." "What if I don't want to?" "You have no choice." "There's a connection between us." "Come." "I spotted you from backstage." "My dove is well-trained." " Do not be afraid." " I'm not afraid." "You are marvellous." "Why have I never seen you before?" "I've been in the country." "You are marvellous." " I'm going to Dunkirk tomorrow." " Bon voyage." " Will you come with me?" " Why?" "To be my assistant." "You'll earn money." "Perhaps even fame." "Think it over." "Well?" " So I'm going." " To Dunkirk." " To Dunkirk." " With that man." " With that man." " Tomorrow." " Yes." " What can I say?" "Good bye." "Good bye." "There's something I forgot to say." "I'm leaving tomorrow, too." "For Rome." "You won't come with me, of course?" "If you change your mind, three days from now, I'll be in a village near Avignon." "At this address." "I'll wait for you all morning." "I shan't come." "I'll wait all morning." "Vincent!" "There's something I forgot to say." "Yes?" "Good bye." "Nicole." "What if I were richer than that man?" "But you aren't, are you?" "Red for Italy, black for Dunkirk." "Dunkirk." "Morning." " You're up early." " I've got a frame to deliver." " So are we playing now or later?" " Now." " It's not getting any cooler, is it?" " It's going to be hot today." "This is going to take a while." "Then if you'll excuse me for two minutes...?" "You're taking your frame with you?" "It's very valuable and I'd rather keep my eye on it." "Wait a minute...!" "That's what I thought." "I'm stuck." "We'll have to hurry." "I've got to deliver my frame." "It takes as long as it takes." "Here he is, Sergeant." " Follow me." " What's happened?" "The Mona Lisa is missing, that's what." " The Mona Lisa?" " We want to ask you some questions." " Me?" " You." " Such as, where were you at the time?" " Right here." "He was with me the whole time." "Will you come along and be my witness?" "Yes, of course." "I'll leave this here." "Can you keep an eye on it?" "Preliminary conclusion:" "Romeo left the Louvre immediately after the theft." "He must be familiar with the museum." "Romeo?" "Here?" "Here he is, Inspector." "You're the guard in charge of the Mona Lisa room?" " Yes, inspector." " And where were you?" "Well..." "I was having a little game with my friend in the bistro." "Did he leave the game at any stage?" "Not for a minute, Inspector." " Leave your name and address." " Don't worry, I know him." " Good morning, my boy." " Morning, sir." " May I go now?" " Yes." " As for you, we'll need you later." " Yes, sir." " Thanks for saying we were together." " Don't mention it." "Where's my parcel?" "It's over here." " Catch." " Careful!" " It's fragile." " What's inside?" "The Mona Lisa." "The boss wants you." "Us?" "No one else is free." "On our way." "Yes, Minister, we're pursuing every lead." "All our officers are on the case." "Good day to you, Minister." "Germaine and Gaspard." "The owner of the Hotel Mona Lisa says her maid may be the thief." "She left this morning without any explanation." "Very good, sir." "Fascinating." "Congratulations, sir." " Shall I open the champagne?" " Later." "Can we release our prisoner?" "He can get his job back from Lemercier." "Give him plenty of money." "Heading this way or following me?" "Hand it over." "Stop or I'll shoot." "I've got it!" "I've got it!" "Well done." "He stole it and I took it off him, just as we planned." ""Keep...smiling..." "Romeo."" " We'll change cars this evening." " Yes, sir." " I have something for you." " For us?" "Yes, I was told to give it to two gentlemen in a big hurry." "TOO LATE!" "BUT KEEP SMILING!" "ROMEO" " What are we going to do?" " Maybe the girl knows something." " She left this morning." " Where for?" " I don't know." " Let's find out." "Hotel Mona Lisa." "Keep smiling." "It's no coincidence that she ran off with a magician." "What if it's a trick?" "She said Dunkirk but she really went somewhere else." "What if she guessed we'd guess she didn't go to Dunkirk?" " To trick us, she did go to Dunkirk." " Precisely." "Let's go." " Where to?" " Dunkirk." " Did you get that?" " Perfectly." "Let's go." " Where to?" " Dunkirk, you idiot." " That's what I call pretty." " Me too." " Police." " C.l.D." " Paris branch." " What's going on?" "Nicole should, in theory, have got out of the trunk here, and got into the vase here." " Something must have happened." " Obviously." "She must have been kidnapped." "We'll get to the bottom of it." "We're thieves, you see." "But we're lazy thieves, isn't that right?" "That's right." "There are more courageous thieves about." " Like Vincent." " Vincent?" "So we wait for them to steal something interesting and steal it from them." "But why Vincent?" "Because he stole the Mona Lisa." "Vincent?" "I don't believe you." "We're not playing games." "You'd better believe me." " Can I have some water?" " Not until you tell me where he is." "Fine, I don't mind being thirsty." "I crossed the Sahara when I was little." "My camel died of thirst." " She's getting on my nerves." " Anyway, he's the one who knows." " Who?" " The magician." "I hope this isn't another of your stories." " Where is he?" " At the Hotel d'Angleterre." "Keep her gagged till I get back." "Is there any news, Inspector?" "It's him again, the magician." " If there is any news, we'll call you." " I'm in your hands." " Follow me." " Where to?" " I'm asking you nicely." " All right, I'm coming." "All right!" "What do you want?" "I've got pins and needles in my legs." " Could you rub them for me?" " Of course." " That feels nice." " You're a real knock-out." " Really?" " Definitely." "Move!" "Open up." "It's us." "Open up!" "What's wrong with you?" "Open up!" "My good brandy." "You let my brandy go to your head." "A real knock-out!" "Idiot!" "Where is she?" "She'll go to her hotel." "She won't get far with no money." " My head!" " Come on, you idiot." "Where's her room?" "OK, I'll take care of him." "You go to the club." "She's probably gone to get changed." "Good evening." "My name's Nicole." "I'm from Paris." "Good evening." "I'm terribly lonely." "Aren't you?" "That depends." " Like some company?" " That depends." " On what?" " The price." "It's very expensive." "If you're mean, you'll stay lonely." "I'm not mean." " Then maybe you're poor?" " I'm very..." "I'm rich." " Really?" " How much?" "Two hundred." "Up front." "You've got lots of spirit." "I like spirit." "Here you are." " I'm cold." "Would you lend me your cape?" " Yes, of course." " Where are we going?" " That depends." " Do you like adventures?" " Do I?" "I love them!" "Then I'll take you to a wonderful secret place." " But...there's a but." " A but?" " You mustn't know where it is." " So?" "So, I'll have to blindfold you." "You're something!" "I won't be bored with you around." "This is only the beginning." "Just wait!" " Can you swim?" " Are we going swimming?" "Not me." "Just you." " When's the next train to Avignon?" " In an hour." "One, please." "Is that enough?" "Police." "We're on our way." " She bought a ticket to Avignon." " Are you calling the magician?" "He's in the bath." "You can tell me everything, I'm his best friend." "I'll let him know." "That was the cops." "Seems your sweetheart's running off to Avignon." "You're useless and clueless." "So I'll say goodbye." "Avignon." "This is the Avignon coach." "She's in the last compartment." " Are you going to arrest her?" " I can't possibly reveal our plans." " What now?" " She'll lead us to the Mona Lisa." "We've just got to get there before they do." "IS THE MONA LISA IN MOSCOW?" "OR LONDON?" " What are you doing on all fours?" " Nicole!" "Come with me." "You're being followed." "They're on the train!" " Who?" " All of them." "The police, those two men..." " Why are you going to Avignon?" " That's none of your business." "Stop putting your hand over your mouth." "It's irritating." "Let me see..." "What happened?" "Those men..." "They beat me up." "So that I'd tell them where to find some Vincent." "Who is Vincent?" "Do you know what time the lady's coming, sir?" "No, I don't know." "I really don't know." "What are you doing on the train?" "The French countryside!" "Clean air!" " Germaine, look!" " What is it?" "Quick!" "The emergency cord!" "Come on, quick!" "I need some shoes, too." " Will you give me a lift?" " Where are you going?" " The St Georges inn." " Up you get, it's on my way." " Stop!" " What's the matter?" "We want a lift, that's what." " Got a cold, girl?" " Yes, sir." "She can't have got far." "Look." " What are we going to do?" " Nothing." "They don't know who we are." "Police!" "Halt!" " Having a little cry, are we?" " She can't have got far." " Is there a police station nearby?" " At St Georges." "Here we are." "St Georges." " Good bye!" " Bye bye!" " After you." " Please." " Which road goes to Italy?" " That one." "Where can I borrow a horse or a bicycle?" "Borrow?" "Not likely." "You'll pay on the nail." " I don't have any money." " Then walk." "...looking for a blonde girl with a dark-haired magician." "Not with a magician, a blonde girl on her own." " What's going on?" " It's the Paris police." " Looking for a girl." " What kind?" " A tall blonde." " I've just seen a girl like that." "She was due to meet a man but he left for Italy with two motorcars." "She followed on foot." "I don't know what she's after." " Was she wearing a black cape?" " A red skin." " Blast!" " What'll we do now?" "We'll follow her anyway." "So the girl left with a man in a motorcar?" "She was on foot." "He went by car." " Why on foot if he had two cars?" " Because he'd already left." " By car or on foot?" " By car." "But I don't understand why this lady..." "Stop thief!" " Find another car!" " There isn't one." " Look!" " The girl!" "Gee up!" "Well!" "Search him." "I never carry guns." "Tie him up." "Take care of this one." "I didn't know you holidayed in these pans." "Where is it?" " Where is what?" " You know." "No, what?" "Where is it?" "If you kill me you'll never know." "Got a light?" "OK, we'll try something else." "When I say three, shoot." "One..." "OK." "It's in the red suitcase." "Is this your little joke?" "Two..." " Put a pin into the lock..." " Do I pull the pin out of thin air?" "Simpler to use my tie-pin." "Now what?" "I'll know if it's a fake." "Jump." " Slow down a bit." " Jump, you idiot." " Your face is dirty." " Where?" "Untie me and I'll show you." " You must hate me." " Must I?" "Why?" " Because they all followed me here." " They?" "Those two men, the magician, the police..." "The police?" "It's all my fault but I had to come." "Stick your tongue out." "Let's have a look." "You're starting to look more like yourself." " Hello, Nicole." " Hello, Vincent." "No time for that now." "Let's get out of here." "Let's try the roadblock." "They might know something." " C.l.D." " Paris branch." "This is the stolen car." " The thieves?" " An officer went after them." " Carrying anything?" " A red suitcase." " You saw no one else?" " Only a hearse." "Empty" " So the thieves were on foot?" " We'll catch them up." "We have our..." "Our bicycles!" "First the car, now the bicycles." "Nicole!" "Nicole!" "The key." "We'll have to find a bridge." "Stop!" "Come here!" "Untie me." "Untie me." "Don't leave me!" "Come on, we'll swim across." " You're wet." " So are you." " You're ugly when you're wet." " So are you." "Your nose is especially ugly when it's wet." "Untie me." " Where's the key?" " I don't know." " We're in a big hurry." " We're C.l.D." "Paris branch." "Where did they go?" " I didn't see a thing." " Obviously not." " Look!" "Our bicycles!" " Bicycles?" "Where?" " There!" " Are the keys there?" " I don't know." " Obviously not." "Let's take a look." " They didn't see us." " They're over there." "We'll have to cross." "Use the grass as camouflage." " What are you doing?" " What do you mean?" " You took the suitcase." " What?" " Give me it." " I don't have it." "Where's it gone?" "Dammit!" "Dive!" "Bless you." "Thank you." " It's all washed up for tonight." " We could do with a wash." "We'll tell the local police to watch the roads and stations." "Send a key for my handcuffs." " Is there a hotel nearby?" " There's only one." "At St Agnan." " Good night." " Good night." "I must be crazy." "I've found a girl..." "that I like very much." "And what do I do?" "I make her ride bicycles," "I drag her through rivers, down roads..." "With no shoes on her feet." "All for an old painting." "I don't mind." "It's all my fault." "There must be an inn nearby." "We can hide until tomorrow." "Whatever you say." "The inn will have lots of places where we can hide." "Big beds, little beds." "We'll hide wherever you like." " We'd like a double room." " We only have singles left." "Fine." " Fine." " Two rooms?" "Just one." "It's really very small." "It's remarkably comfortable for one person." "Let's try it with two." "It's even better." "It's not bad." "But we're very wet." " Then let's rip off our clothes." " No." "Then let's take them off slowly." "Then let's catch cold." "Then what?" "That's funny." "It hasn't rained here." "It was raining over there." " We want a twin room." " We've only got singles." "Two rooms." "Two rooms, please." "This is the only one I have left." "What do you want?" "I've looked everywhere." "Do you know where it is?" "I'm not interested in your personal problems." "Good night." "I'll carry on looking a little longer." "Good night." "I have an idea." " Why don't we..." " I know." "No." "Why don't we sit down?" "Look!" "It's the magician!" "I couldn't care less about the magician." "What about you?" "I have an idea." "It's maybe not too late to find something to eat." "Let's go downstairs." " It's all I have left." " It'll do nicely." "Not here." "Not here." " Come on, I've found it!" " Can't you go on your own?" "Not that!" "The red suitcase." "Get the suitcase." "Stop or the girl gets it." "What are you going to do?" "I need to think." "I thought you needed to think." "I can do more than one thing at a time." "Get out of the way, you idiot." "Well!" "Well!" "Well!" " Police!" " Hurry!" " C.l.D." " Paris branch." "Open up!" " Open up or we'll break down the door." " We'll break down the door." "Break down the door." "Keep your mouth shut." "Well!" "Well." "Hand it over." "What are you talking about?" "Look!" "Wait." "Where is it?" "Quite a collection." "It must be here somewhere." "If not, I'll..." "I'll eat this flowerpot." "Stop!" "Amateurs!" "Never mind." "Come on!" " What'll I do?" " Go to your room." "That's not my room." "Where's my room?" "Look!" " Police." " C.l.D." "Paris branch." "May we have that suitcase?" "OK." "Here you are." "Missed!" " What now?" " Get dressed and get out of here." "This way, you idiot." "Watch them." "Do you mind if we carry on?" "That's enough of your racket!" "Nicole!" "They've run off with our bicycles." "Where can they go?" "All the roads are blocked." " We'll keep these two locked up." " Why?" "We'll explain later." "Drive quickly." "We're in a hurry." "Alone at last." "I gave you a joke." "Give me one of your lovely smiles." " I'm very tired." " Maybe a little angry?" "If I hadn't come after you, we wouldn't be in here." " And you'd still have your Mona Lisa." " Who knows?" "Maybe I can't have you and the Mona Lisa at the same time." "How long will they keep us here?" "Ten, maybe twenty years." "As long as you're young and pretty." "When you're old and ugly, I'll escape." "I'm not in the mood for laughing." "If you're so unhappy, we'll leave at once." "Sergeant." "Could you spare a cigarette?" "Here you are." "Got a light?" "Thank you." "On your feet, princess." "Sergeant!" "It's burning!" " Put it out." " What with?" " Stamp on it." " I can't." "It's burning." "Some people have got no idea." "They locked me up!" "Take the suitcase." "They got away!" " Just when we lifted the roadblocks." " I'm going home to Mother." " How did they get away?" " They set fire to the straw." " Where's the other car?" " The others took it." " We'll go after them." " There aren't any more cars." "Has your Mother got room for one more?" " We've still got the Mona Lisa." " But not the thief." "We can't go back to Paris without a thief." " Welcome to Rome, Mme." " Welcome." " Shall we dine?" " No." "Shall we drink?" "Shall we sit down?" " What then?" " I've got an idea." "Let's dance." "A sad tune or a happy tune?" "A happy tune." "A happy tune!" "I'm so happy!" "That's strange." "I'm happy too." "You don't mind losing the Mona Lisa?" "Let's be romantic." "Violin?" "Here's my answer." "There are millions of paintings in this world." "But there's only one of you." "Perfect?" "Perfect." "Excuse me, sir." "The evening paper." "All right." "Be a perfect wife." "Read it to me." ""Triumphant victory for French police."" ""Two of their most brilliant detectives have recovered the Mona Lisa, and captured the infamous Romeo."" "Really?" "Look." "Poor magician." "Poor magician?" "Poor me." "This'll ruin my reputation." "What will you do?" "ROMEO AND JULIET"