"[music playing]" "[chatter] [greeting]" "I didn't miss anything, did I?" "No, no, no, you didn't miss it." "I was just about to begin in." "Gentlemen, I want to remind you of a very special someone..." "Baseball legend Wade Boggs..." "Great." "HOWIE: who is rumored to have drank 64 Miller Lites on a cross-country flight." "Now, I'm not saying we have to match that." "But it's good to have goals!" "[interposing voices]" "It's good to have goals." "I like that." "I wrote that." "I wrote that and memorized it." "God, I didn't think you were going to make it, dude." "Barrett said you're way too whipped by Katherine to do a pub crawl." "BARRETT:" "Don't misquote me, man." "I didn't say that." "I said, he's way too scared of Katherine to blow her up." "Come on, there's no way I would miss as a new tradition, right?" "I'm just going to be responsible a little bit." "I'm gonna do three bars, and that's it." "What?" "BARRETT:" "Three bars?" "Three bars?" "Three bars." "HOWIE:" "Oh, I mean, there's no point of you even being here." "I mean, you should just go home now, man, because you're going to miss all the good shit." "He wrote a speech." "OK, I understand." "But, dude, Katherine's parents are visiting from out of town, and I got to hang out." "If I skipped out, then she'll kill me." "DAVID:" "Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys, check this out." "I know we said we were just going to do beer at the first bar." "But there was this super-hot shot girl." "She freaking was so hot." "Do I have to teach your little brother everything?" "Never ever talk to the shot girls." "Never." "They're just undercover bartenders." "And they never put up." "'Cept that one might be different." "Excuse me, boys." "Oh." "I'm not even trying to hook up with that girl, man." "I..." "I actually really want to see how things work with me and Amanda." "Aw, that's sweet." "ADAM:" "Amanda?" "Are you talking about Katherine's friend?" "Yeah." "You've been out on one date with her." "Yeah, but she's really cool." "Zzh!" "Beer pong's up." "David, you in?" "DAVID:" "All right." "Oh, Adam and I got next." "Come here." "I gotta say, man, that rousing speech was awesome, man." "You got our song-playing dude." "This is not gonna be..." "Not gonna be easy." "Buddy, that is just the beginning." "Check it out." "ADAM:" "What the hell is that?" "HOWIE:" "That, my friend, is a barcycle." "Barcycle!" "Let's be stupid people, man!" "Heh." "Three bars, huh?" "[MUSIC" " MONTELL JORDAN, "THIS IS HOW WE DO IT"]" "This is so weird." "He just texted me." "You know, I'm gonna call him again." "OK." "[guys conversing]" "Oh, man, I'm so drunk, man." "Barcycle was a bad idea." "I really got to go." "ADAM:" "I'll be right back." "Hey, what's up, babe?" "Oh, my god, you look so good in a black dress." "What the fuck?" "Oh, my god, you look so good tonight." "You're like a doll." "What are you doing?" "What's up?" "Oh, my god, I'm so sorry I'm late, ha-ha." "Adam, why did you get so drunk?" "What?" "Oh, my god." "Um, I..." "I'm not that drunk, but I was responsible." "And I only drank nine beers before flip cup." "How many shots did you have?" "Shots don't count." "Everybody knows that shots don't count." "All right, look, I confess." "I'm a little bit drunk." "But you know what?" "The guys decided that we were going to have, uh, every year to do a pub crawl, because it's our anniversary." "Adam, do you even know when our anniversary is?" "Yeah, totally, I know when it is." "Every single year." "[laughs]" "It's not today, is it?" "Oh, shit." "It's today?" "What did you get me?" "Go be with your friends." "No way." "I would never do that with them." "Why would you..." "I know how important this day is to you." "Why is Mook naked?" "Mook's naked." "That's because that's how we party, dude!" "KATHERINE:" "Adam." "ADAM:" "What?" "Go be with your friends." "Oh, my god, I love you so much, Katherine." "Thank you, I know." "You guys, thanks so much for you know what." "Yeah, Mr. Dad and the mom." "Hey, guys!" "Katherine said I could stay out a little longer." "[guys cheering]" "Hey, Katherine, can you please tell Amanda call me?" "[music playing]" "[chatter]" "ADAM:" "So what are we doing here?" "BARRETT:" "David said we had to come." "ADAM:" "Oh, it's a party for Amanda." "BARRETT:" "He's so whipped." "HOWIE:" "He picked a bad week, but your little brother did go all out, I'll say that." "Definitely." "This place, man." "Wow, man." "I really need to get my shit together." "BARRETT:" "Oh, man." "If I was making real estate money like David," "I wouldn't waste it on these wine parties." "MOOK:" "Oh!" "Oh, oh." "What?" "What up with that one?" "ADAM:" "That's my 16-year-old cousin." "So no because she's your cousin?" "Or no because she's 16?" "No, because of... really?" "Yeah." "Hey, Adam." "Come here." "I could use your help." "ADAM:" "My mom's calling me." "And no, you can't fuck my mom either." "How's that?" "No to my whole family." "Don't want to." "Yeah, yeah." "Don't want to." "I wan to fuck his mom so bad." "I know you do." "I know." "Hey." "Hey." "I can't believe David put you to work today." "I volunteered." "What is that on your face?" "Why are you wearing it to your brother's big party?" "Because I have to." "It's for Fu Man Choose Your Own Adventure, all right?" "If you want to play, we got a bunch of extra ones." "Mook can't grow facial hair, so we need 'em." "Yeah, right." "I'll pass." "Oh, aren't they adorable?" "Look how happy they are." "Aw." "When are you gonna find someone?" "Me?" "Uh, heh." "I don't know." "Not anytime soon." "I don't want to, like, miss out on things." "Things?" "What things?" "MOOK:" "Go, go." "Yeah, yeah, I got it." "I got it." "Relax your esophagus." "Relax your esophagus." "Relax." "Relax." "Relax." "Go, go, go." "More, more, more." "Stuff like that, kind of." "Not that, really." "Not drinking from the ass of a goose." "You know, even I am dating somebody now." "Oh, no, I know." "The point is, I..." "I..." "I'm very happy." "And I want you to be happy too." "David said that Katherine is coming tonight." "And she RSVPed plus one." "Oh, cool." "Katherine's coming?" "That's great, yeah." "Uh, she... yeah, she's coming with somebody, 'cause she's over it, and I'm over it." "And we're both over it." "So that's... that's..." "I mean, that's... that's great." "No problem here." "Holy shit." "Hey, man." "Uh, we have a bit..." "Little bit of a problem." "Where are the guys?" "The guys." "The guys are definitely not out flirting with your cousin," "I know that." "Why?" "What's up?" "Man, uh, OK." "Well, Katherine's on her way here." "And you know what?" "She's bringing a date." "So great." "Good." "Hey, Katherine, the one that got away." "Yeah, you actually don't have to say that every time I..." "I bring her... her up." "It's really annoying." "You get so pissed off every time, man." "OK." "Well, you know what?" "It's not that funny." "If it happened to you, it wouldn't be funny." "It would never happen to me, because I've never been broken up with." "Look, you're stressing out over nothing." "She is probably dating some dork." "I know this." "OK, but..." "Oh, my god, she just walked in." "Where?" "Oh, shit." "This is my boyfriend, Mario." "[stifled laughing]" "ADAM:" "You don't have to say it." "BARRETT:" "I know I don't have to, but I have to." "Your ex-girlfriend is dating AC Slater!" "Oh, my god!" "Yeah, I know, dude." "OK?" "Oh, hey, Katherine!" "No, what are you doing?" "Shut the fuck up." "Hey." "What do you mean, what am I doing?" "This is, like, the greatest day of our lives!" "ADAM:" "No, it's a shitty day of my life, man." "You're being selfish." "How am I being selfish?" "Just get it together." "Hey, guys." "Hi." "Mario, this is Adam." "Hey." "Hey, how are you?" "Barrett." "Yeah." "Big fan." "Oh." "BARRETT:" "Huge fan." "And not of the hosting bullshit." "But you know." "You know." "Yeah, yeah, I can probably guess." "(DISCREETLY) "Saved by the Bell."" "[laughs]" "That's it, man." "Oh." "I like the, uh... the... that you got going on there." "Oh, heh." "Uh, yeah." "Oh, it's not real." "I..." "I didn't get the memo." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, no, it's just something we do every year." "It's called Fu Man..." "BOTH:" "Choose Your Own Adventure." "Yeah." "I can't believe it's that time of year again, huh?" "I..." "I..." "I can't believe it." "BARRETT:" "Hey, maybe next year you could join us." "Yeah." "Well, that's the whole thing." "But yeah." "I mean, maybe." "But..." "He could totally join us." "Yeah, I know, but I'm talking about..." "Maybe." "Heh." "Uh, excuse me, guys." "I gotta use the restroom." "Honey, OK, I'll..." "I'll be right back." "OK." "Oh, that's so crazy." "I have to go too." "'K." "I'll try to sneak a peek for you." "Don't do that." "Hey." "Hey There" "How is everything?" "Really good." "God, it's so funny you asked, 'cause, uh, just, uh, been doing good stuff." "Yeah, wow." "I can't believe you're dating AC Slater." "That's crazy." "Well, actually, his name is Mario..." "Albert Clifford Slater." "No, I know his name." "Heh-heh." "It's so weird because a few years ago, uh, we were just on your couch watching" ""Saved by the Bell" reruns." "And now, I just can't believe Slater's been inside you, you know?" "It's like... uh, but what are the odds, huh?" "I..." "I really don't know the odds to that." "[glass clinking]" "Everybody, can I have your attention for one second, please?" "I think it's time we should toast my beautiful girlfriend," "Amanda." "She... she passed the bar today and is officially a bloodsucking lawyer." "TOGETHER:" "Hear, hear." "I just want to say, in all seriousness, that I'm so proud of you, hon." "And I'm proud of who I've become since knowing you." "I know that I could spend the rest of my life with you." "So, um... [gasps]" "Amanda will you marry me?" "Yes!" "Oh, my god, yes!" "[applause] [yelling]" "Who's ready for Fu Man Choose Your Own Adventure?" "Are we not playing today?" "[can clatters]" "Guys could've sent an email or something." "Awesome." "[faint conversation]" "Nice boobs." "[music playing inside house]" "Morning." "ADAM:" "Hey." "Hey." "I just saw a couple of unsatisfied women out there." "Who disappointed them last night?" "Uh, I think maybe they're disappointed in themselves." "This place, uh, looks disgusting." "I'm glad you guys cleaned up for the draft." "Hey, guys, how's it going?" "How are you doing, David?" "Good morning." "[chuckles]" "Uh, quick question." "Who was texting Casey last night posing as my angry wife?" "[chuckles]" "Let me explain to you something about Casey, OK?" "She is very young." "She's impressionable." "She believed I was a state senator." "Why?" "Because I have a beard." "Now, who did it?" "No one?" "OK, wow." "Guess what." "Vengeance will be mine." "Are you guys still declaring vengeance?" "What is that?" "Are you guys, like, 15?" "[door opens]" "Hey." "What the fuck happened to this place?" "Pussypop!" "HOWIE:" "Pussypop!" "Hey, I'm a grown-ass man with a family." "Y'all gotta stop calling me Pussypop, man." "[phone vibrates]" "Hey, baby." "What's up, buttercup?" "Oh, buttercup..." "That's a new one." "Buttercup, I love you." "You guys haven't changed one bit." "Thank you." "Not a compliment." "BARRETT:" "Oh, shit." "What's going on?" "MOOK:" "Barrett." "It's cool." "That's why we got the backup generator." "(MOCKINGLY) "This is why we got a backup generator."" "They usually send a final warning first." "They do." "DAVID:" "All right, it's gonna be OK." "Just don't..." "I love you." "OK." "How's the wife, David?" "Don't say "wife."" "We haven't been to his funeral yet." "Sorry, Pussypop." "Please stop acting like my wedding was a funeral." "Miss you, Pussypop." "This is for you, home." "PUSSYPOP:" "I'm alive!" "MAN:" "Morning, dude." "Morning." "Good morning, sunshine." "Hey." "You feel out your baggy yet?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "Mm." "Check your email, shemale." "Howie made a March Madness tournament of all the hot chicks Mario Lopez has fucked." "Katherine is up against the Victoria's Secret model in the first round." "She's a two-seed." "Congrats, baby." "Does Howie ever actually do any work at work?" "Never." "Oh, we also just got the Evite for Miles' big Halloween party." "What are we gonna be this year?" "Uh, you know, I'm..." "I don't want to do a group costume again." "Nah." "We'll think of something cool." "Morning, Adam." "Hey, Mook." "Hey." "Are you guys going to be long?" "Yeah, might be a few minutes." "Go for it." "Oh, thanks." ""Adam's Fantasy Midseason Report Card?"" "Very work-related, I'm sure." "Well, it helps me get through the day, so it's got to count for something, huh?" "MOOK:" "Hey, Beth." "You going to Lyle's Halloween party?" "BETH:" "Guess that depends." "Are you guys going dressed as the Spice Girls again?" "Oh, for the record, I immediately regretted that." "I didn't regret shit." "I'm Scary Spice till I D-I-E, dawg." "Oh, god." "Um, are you gonna shave your legs again this year?" "Oh, well, not for Halloween." "All right, I'm out of here." "Thank you." "Yeah." "Sorry you have to think about my legs right now." "Apology unaccepted." "So we are just openly hitting on Beth now?" "No, I'm just messing around." "Come on, she always has a boyfriend anyway." "Never stopped me before, big dog." "Up top." "I don't..." "I'm not gonna high-five you." "Little pinkie?" "OK, fine, there." "MOOK:" "There you go." "There you go." "Good, you happy?" "MOOK:" "Mm-hmm." "Adam, I was just calling your desk." "I have a package for you." "Oh, cool." "So how was your weekend?" "It was great." "I tried pineapple for the first time." "So I've been wanting to talk to you." "One of my friends from college just moved here, and she doesn't know anybody." "And so I was worrying if any guys I worked with..." "Wait, OK." "What does she do for a living?" "She may be an actress." "OK, no." "We've been over this before." "Come on." "I know, but I really think you'd like her." "I mean, I know you're super begin into Asian girls, but she's really pretty." "Wait, why do you think I'm big into Asian girls?" "Well, Mook showed me a picture of your ex." "She's gorgeous... definitely final four potential." "Yes." "Really?" "All right, let me help you with this." "Look at that thing." "Who's it from?" "Says it's from you." "Oh, no, no, no wait!" "Whoa, shit." "Sorry." "My roommate is declaring vengeance on us." "RICHTMAN:" "Jamie, [inaudible] called to... oh." "Hey." "What is that?" "Is that for me or..." "No, it's, uh, for me." "Or, I mean, it could be... if you want it." "You don't want it." "No, I don't want it." "Of course you don't want it." "Um..." "What is wrong with you guys?" "Seriously." "What's your name?" "Mook." "RICHTMAN:" "Mook, I'd expect this from you." "But you, Aaron?" "Adam." "RICHTMAN:" "Adam?" "You think that matters?" "You're holding a..." "A vase of dicks." "Point taken." "Come on!" "It's a national lacrosse league." "This is disappointing." "Put those dicks somewhere." "Can he say... he'd say that to us." "I'll take care of it." "I... you guys shouldn't have to deal with this." "I have a..." "I have a place for them." "[chuckles]" "Sorry." "It's really inappropriate." "ADAM:" "All right." "You smell so good." "You guys thirsty?" "Hmm?" "[music playing]" "LYLE:" "Everybody, I need your attention up here to the stage." "Everyone, look at me." "All right!" "How much do we love Halloween?" "[all cheering]" "All right!" "And the winner is the Ghostbusters!" "[loud cheering]" "Hey." "Hey, how are you?" "You guys were robbed, by the way." "I know, yeah." "What made you guys decide to be a group of turds?" "Well, we were supposed to California Raisins, and you know that." "Yeah, I know." "That's actually pretty cool." "I haven't had a group costume since college." "Smile." "Uh, cat and cat shit?" "I guess you can't say that anymore, huh?" "Guess not." "JUSTIN:" "Hey." "Oh, hey!" "Hey." "Hey, you made it." "Um, Justin, Adam." "Adam, Justin." "I..." "I work with Adam." "Oh." "Hey, Adam." "Hey." "It's nice to meet you." "Yeah, nice to meet you too, man." "Uh, what'd you come as?" "Oh, uh..." "Oh, he just... he came straight from work." "Hey, you look thirsty." "What are you drinking?" "Uh, I don't know." "Let's get this party started." "We'll do some Jagerbombs, huh?" "[laughs]" "Jagerbombs." "All right, you're really taking me back." "I mean, while we're at it, why don't we get some Long Island Iced Teas?" "[friends calling]" "Uh, you guys are joking." "Obviously you're kidding." "Yeah, I get it." "Uh, listen, um, just order me whatever." "I'll be right back." "Excuse me." "Hey, Ro." "What's going on?" "I'm trying to have a conversation." "You interrupted me." "Yeah, with the girl and her boyfriend who's like a grown man." "Look, look, look, that doesn't even matter right now, OK?" "What matters is is that Barrett is talking shit to those hack" "Ghostbusters over there." "It's about to get ugly, dude." "BARRETT:" "I ain't afraid of no ghosts, man!" "Oh, shit." "Oh, it's on!" "OK, man." "You got Egon." "Wait." "Which one's Egon?" "The black one?" "No!" "All right, sorry." "Um, it's even numbers, so I'm gonna sit this one out." "Right here!" "Right here!" "Wait." "What?" "Your mustache." "OK." "OK." "Adam, Adam, OK." "There are two horny devils over there." "I'm gonna need you to be my wingman." "Hey, hold on." "I want to go to talk Beth." "Wingman, dude!" "What are you dressed... as some kind of old-timey prostitute?" "Unless you are a modern prostitute." "Compliment!" "[cowbell ringing]" "Wait, Mook, no, don't." "Don't, Mook." "After-party our place!" "[cheering]" "(SINGING) South Central does it like nobody does." "This is how we do it." "Something, something." "So it's 3:00 in the morning, and you're at our house, and you have a boyfriend." "Thanks for not opening with that." "HOWIE:" "Gabrus, you smell like herb." "[inaudible]." "Gotta get your groove on." "Did you see that thing?" "LANDLORD:" "Howie." "HOWIE:" "Hey, hey, it's my landlord." "LANDLORD:" "You're out." "Why do you like me?" "Why don't you just like me?" "HOWIE:" "I mean, this is honestly an enormous shocker." "LANDLORD:" "And I haven't received rent." "This is the third time I've been here this month." "Your move." "HOWIE:" "You know, man." "I mean, what is this?" "LANDLORD:" "That's it." "I'm done." "OK, the bad news is, that was the landlord." "Barrett didn't mail our rent." "So we're evicted." "But, uh, the good news is, we ain't got nothing left to lose!" "Crank up the music, Mooker!" "Let's fucking go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Yeah!" "[chuckling]" "Whoa." "What's going on?" "Hey." "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "Where are you going?" "I'm fucking out of here, dude." "No, no." "You were in with the toad." "You've done so much worse before." "Come on." "Not tonight, dude." "Come on." "HOWIE:" "What's the matter?" "Nothing's the matter, dude." "I'm just not fucking feeling it, all right?" "I'm just..." "I'm..." "I'm done wasting time, all right?" "Wasting what?" "What?" "Man, we're always living like this, like we're still living like we're in college." "What's wrong with college?" "ADAM:" "Listen to me, man." "We're getting evicted, dude." "And my brother's getting married." "My boss thinks I'm a pervert." "Newsflash... he's kinda right." "Should I call my girlfriend for some device?" "Oh, no, I can't do that, because she's dating a superstar celebrity." "And guess what I am?" "A California Raisin." "Hey, we are all raisins, baby!" "Yeah, we are all raisins." "[inaudible]" "Raisins for life." "You're not supposed to be happy about that is my whole point, is that we're all raisins, and great." "That's not a good fucking thing." "We live every day, and every day is always the same, day in and day out, right?" "We're going to bars." "We get into bar fights." "We go into karaokes." "We do karaoke sings, OK?" "I work for lacrosse, dude." "And that's not cool." "It was supposed to be a stepping stone, but now it's my career." "I..." "I try to meet a girl." "I can't do that, OK?" "What about the girl that works in my office, Beth?" "She doesn't want to go out with a guy who can't put [inaudible] on his shoulders." "She doesn't want to go out with a guy who doesn't have a nice watch collection." "I have one watch." "It's rubber and it's orange." "And I don't even know where it is, dude." "I have no dentist, OK?" "I don't know how to open a bottle of wine." "I try to open up a bottle of wine." "Every time I try to open a bottle of wine, the cork goes in the wine." "And I'm always like, who gives a shit?" "I'll..." "I'll drink this shit anyway." "And..." "HOWIE:" "What the fuck are you talking about?" "I'll tell you right now." "I..." "I fucking have a cork inside me right now." "And I'm gonna... and right now is the moment where I'm going to start to give a shit." "Because I don't..." "I'm not going to have a cork in me anymore, and I'm done." "Wait, are you breaking up with us, dude?" "Yeah, I think I..." "I think I am breaking up with you guys." "Because we could use some time apart." "Wow." "You son of a bitch!" "All right, dude." "What?" "You're drunk." "You don't want to say something right now that you're not going to be able to take back." "Hey, you know what?" "I'm done with this." "I'm done with totes." "I'm done with "This Is How We Do It," Montell Jordan." "Oh, no, no." "You leave Montell out of this." "Shots fired." "MOOK:" "Don't you dare." "That is not good." "Don't you fucking dare, Adam." "That is not good." "OK, so you're just going to walk away after all the laughs we've had and after everything I sacrificed." "You're just going to walk away." "Oh, you sacrifice it?" "Yeah, yeah, I sacrifice." "I don't have a fucking dentist either, man." "My teeth hurt like shit!" "That's my whole point." "It's over." "You're over!" "It's over!" "So, uh, listen." "I, um..." "I want to apologize about last night." "I know I said some..." "Heh... harsh things." "But I just wanted to say I'm sorry." "Well, I accept your apology." "Consider every word you said taken back." "That's actually the thing about that, is that, um, there were parts that I..." "I do still kind of agree with, and one of them being that I think maybe we spend too much time together." "And, uh, we should break up." "Adam's just not that into us." "ADAM:" "No, dude." "Look." "Have any of us changed at all since we've met each other?" "BARRETT:" "Yes!" "Howie's fatter now." "Significantly fatter." "Yeah, I did it on purpose." "OK, can I weigh in here for a second?" "Jesus." "Howie, you've never been promoted ever." "Well, I don't think my job really does that sort of thing." "[interposing voices]" "They do that at your job." "They do that at every job." "MOOK:" "Every job has promotions." "Every job has promotions." "You're not a prostitute." "There's somewhere to go." "Barrett, you quit college to join a dart league." "Yes, I did." "And we won." "So it was worth it." "Totally not worth it." "And Mook, you know, you work at the lacrosse thing." "But I still don't really know what you want to do with your life." "I just want to dance." "DAVID:" "Exactly." "Mook wants to dance." "And he wouldn't... what?" "What?" "I didn't say anything." "You want to dance." "Homo." "[chuckles]" "OK, that's homophobic." "Not cool." "But I think..." "I think that Adam has a point." "You guys definitely need a break from this." "Of course, you'd never be able to do it." "But, you know." "Wait, are you challenging us?" "Yeah, I'm challenging you, Barrett." "Challenge accepted." "DAVID:" "OK." "BARRETT:" "Are there rules?" "What are the rules?" "DAVID:" "You guys want to see the rules?" "OK, well, I brought the rules." "[interposing voices]" "What is that?" "These are the rules." "These are the breakup contract." "When did you write that?" "Well, when Adam called me last night," "I couldn't really go to sleep." "So I drew this up." "I knew that the only way you guys would pay attention if I made this shit official." "So here it is, OK?" "First up, all communication cut off." "This shit's not going to happen forever, right?" "So I figure six months is a good time for the breakup." "My wedding is in six months." "It seems like a natural end." "And listen, I know getting evicted sucks." "But I worked that into the contract, OK?" "It's going to help the break up a ton." "The three of you, I'll find you all sublets." "Adam, you can move in with me and Amanda." "Ha, your marriage is doomed." "I think I'll help." "OK, OK, OK." "What kind of cool shit do we get if we win?" "I'm glad you asked that, Barrett." "There's a place on 9th Street." "I have this stuff on lockdown." "I'm good friends with the owner, and he gave me first dibs." "What?" "Yeah." "It's not even available till the spring, and it's amazing." "Four bedrooms, two baths, a dozen bars within walking distance." "I would honestly move in there myself if I wasn't..." "Making a huge mistake?" "I was going to say happily living in a valley with my fiancee." "And this could be for us, like, to live." "Like, we can live there?" "Now, listen." "If this is going to work, there needs to be consequences, and you guys need to be horrified of them." "I think if you break the rules for the first time," "I cancel fantasy football." "You're not gonna do that." "DAVID:" "I'm just getting started." "If you break the rules a second time, this place is gone." "Just erase it from your mind." "And my bachelor party is off, and I'm throwing a jack and jill party instead." "BARRETT:" "The fuck is that?" "ADAM:" "I don't even know what those are." "HOWIE:" "Yeah, what is that?" "It's when the bride and groom have their parties together." "What?" "Nobody does that." "Do people do that?" "That's bad for you." "That's not even a real thing, man." "And if you break it a third time," "I'm going to make my wedding a cash bar." "And you could say goodbye to fantasy baseball." "Oh, my..." "I hate you, David." "BARRETT:" "Hey, hey, hey, hey." "What the fuck?" "[interposing voices]" "What are you doing, man?" "BARRETT:" "Chill." "I'm upset too." "I'm upset too." "I have another question." "DAVID:" "Yes, sir." "Why are you doing this?" "I don't know, guys." "I think that it's a great thing." "I think you guys have all been like my older brothers." "And I would just like the see you all grow up." "All of you." "Just a little." "I mean, look, you know?" "I think that some of this stuff is harsh, but I think it should be harsh." "I..." "I think that this is a good idea." "I think that we should do it." "(WHISPERING) Adam, this is insane." "This is really crazy." "If you're trying to act like you're just whispering to me, they can here you anyways." "So just talk louder." "This is madness!" "Lower your voice." "Is this a good level?" "Fuck split the difference." "Is this a good level?" "That's good." "Look, Adam." "Please." "I'll change." "I'll change." "I'll do whatever you want." "I'll do all the fucking things you like, and I won't stop until you say no." "Just don't leave me!" "Don't leave me in the fucking dust, man!" "Just please don't." "Don't." "Don't." "[heaving sighing]" "Don't." "Don't." "Shit." "You know, maybe we should try the breakup." "[sighs]" "You really think I should go three wide?" "That's not desperate?" "I mean, it depends on who's on your team." "But yeah." "You know, I mean, it's a passing league now, right?" "So if your fantasy football team is running a flex position, then you got to add a third receiver." "Yeah, you know why it's a passing league?" "Because nobody wants to get hit anymore." "Right?" "Heh?" "Huh?" "Like lacrosse... minimal padding, sweat, dirt, hardcore athleticism." "None of that pussy football princess crap, right?" "ADAM:" "Right." "Real men get concussions, man." "Lacrosse." "Wow, that should be our motto." "Yeah." "Real men get concussions, man." "Fucking lacrosse." "Hell yeah." "Wow." "You can't say "fuck."" "No?" "Sponsored stuff, you can't..." "OK." "Right, well, all right." "Right." "That's why you're in PR." "And I'm the boss." "Right." "Right?" "Right." "OK." "Good talk, man." "Good talk." "Real men... real men get concussions, man." "Right, or something like that." "But yeah." "Real men get concussions, yo." "Lacrosse, damn!" "That's a little urban, but..." "Damn!" "Something like that, yeah." "Just do it." "ADAM:" "OK." "[door closes]" "RICHTMAN:" "Damn!" "That is [inaudible]." "[clapping]" "Holy shit, dude." "Did you go shopping?" "You are fucking good-looking, my man." "Guess I never really appreciated that when we were together." "Hey, what was going on with you and Richtman?" "Are you in trouble, dude?" "No, he just sat down and started talking to me like a real person." "First time ever." "Yeah, I bet it's because you hot as shit." "Did he ask about my report?" "I was rushed." "I also technically didn't do any research." "Uh, yeah, didn't come up." "Oh." "OK." "Well, what did he ask about?" "It's not healthy, dude." "Shouldn't say." "Oh, just tell me, man." "Fine." "We were talking about fantasy football." "Oh." "You were?" "Wow." "Uh, OK." "How was it?" "Was it good?" "How's his team?" "Is he better than me?" "Wasn't better than you." "Just different." "You now what?" "Fine!" "Be with Richtman!" "I never liked talking fantasy with you, anyway, Adam." "I faked it!" "Faked it every single time!" "Sorry." "ADAM:" "It's all right." "It's OK." "Hey, Adam." "I'm just going around..." "Hey." "Hey." "Um, I'm just going around getting people for kickball on the weekends." "Should I just mark you down as definitely too hungover to attend as usual?" "Well, you don't really mark it down like that, do you?" "Oh, yeah." "No, I do, absolutely." "Uh, all right." "Well, not today, because I'm trying new things." "So I'll be there." "All right." "That's, um... that's a good look you got going on today." "You look nice." "Thanks." "Hey, Jamie." "Uh, listen I, uh..." "I changed my mind." "You can tell your lonely actress friend that, uh, I'd love to take her out." "Oh, my god, that's so exciting." "We could double date." "Double date." "Oh, well, who are you gon... oh, uh, you know." "Um, about Barrett..." "He, uh... actually..." "Yeah, I've been texting him, and I haven't heard back." "Did he die?" "Because that keeps happening to me." "No, he didn't die." "So I'll just keep on texting him then if he's not dead." "Um, question." "Uh, yeah?" "Where do you think Barrett stands on the whole unicorn philosophy?" "What phil..." "JAMIE:" "Do you think he's into it?" "Or do you think he's against it?" "Uh, I don't know." "I think maybe he's not too into unicorns." "But, I mean, that can be negotiable." "I guess anything is negotiable." "JAMIE:" "I totally thought so." "Right." "Yes." "I'm so excited you're gonna go out with Krista." "This is awesome." "And she's not your typical actress girl." "She's great." "She's like the most normal person I now." "Mm." "I'm having the best time." "Oh, good." "Yeah." "Once I told Jamie that I over my black-guy phase, she was all like, I'm gonna set you up." "And there you are." "Here you are." "Oh, yeah." "OK." "They say you once you go black, you never go back." "Well, you do once your parents threaten to take away your inheritance." "[laughs] Now, I'm kidding." "I just don't want to be a stepmom." "Oh." "Oh." "That's... that's so racist." "That's..." "So enough about me." "I want to know about you, OK?" "Tell me everything." "Everything." "OK." "Um, uh, well, I was just..." "I was born outside of LA." "Oh my god, we should just get crazy right now!" "Am I right?" "Oh, my god." "Can we have two butter nipples?" "Not these." "Those." "[chuckles]" "Hey, do you want a head shot?" "Oh, I don't..." "I don't think a head..." "Don't I look like such a whore but in the best way?" "Right." "You know what I'm saying?" "That's all yours." "I don't need this." "I'm not really..." "Yeah, most of the special skills on the back are total bullshit." "I do not speak French." "I do not kayak." "The last thing on there... that's true." "How is... how is "no gag reflex" something that's considered something that you would put on this paper?" "I don't..." "I'll show you." "So you just..." "No, no, no." "Uh-huh." "Oh, OK, I get it." "Hmm?" "I get it." "Tada." "Mm." "Right?" "Your hands smell a little weird, but you get over it." "Cool." "How's this?" "Uh..." "Mm!" "I hate beer." "I forgot." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Cheers." "Woo!" "So good." "Ha-ha-ha." "So, uh, you got your, uh, car in valet too, or..." "Oh, no, no." "I cannot drive." "I am so drunk." "Hey, let's just go back to your place." "Um, you know what?" "I probably shouldn't..." "I probably shouldn't do that, because, uh..." "No, come on!" "Take me to your place, you bitch!" "[giggles] This is your car?" "Yeah." "This is it?" "I'm getting in." "Oh, god!" "(MOUTHING) I'm sorry." "Oh, that butt." "Oh, that butt." "Hey, you know what?" "I don't think we can do this." "I don't have protection on me." "Oh." "Good thing you said something, because I do." "OK." "Always." "What, do you just have those on you?" "We are so gonna fuck!" "Shh, shh." "My brother and his fiancee are in the next room, so we have to be quiet, OK?" "Do you want them to catch?" "Of fucking course not!" "I'm totally [inaudible]." "No, no way." "[inaudible]." "Stay there." "OK." "Stay there, [inaudible]." "Oh, Jesus." "Ugh!" "This... this is happening?" "Oh, it is fucking happening, mister!" "Ready?" "Yeah." "[spits] -[sputters]" "Oh, are you serious?" "Fucking aah!" "Get ready for the ride of your life, because I watch a fuckload of porn!" "How do you like this?" "Take it!" "No." "Can you breathe?" "Take it." "I'm not gonna pee on you." "I hope that's cool with you." "It reminds of an ex." "You're legitimately scaring the shit out of me." "You have your yellow fever shot?" "Uh..." "Because you are about to enter the fucking jungle." "Yeah!" "[grunts] [vocalizes dramatic tune]" "(SEDUCTIVELY) What is it?" "Ooh, ooh, ooh." "Hey, for real?" "Braise yourself." "Time to feed the tiger." "[hisses]" "No!" "No, no, no, no." "No, no, no." "Rah!" "[sighs] [sighs]" "[sighs] [sink running]" "Oh, fuck." "Good morning!" "Hey." "[giggles]" "Hey, um, what happened last night?" "Because I never get that drunk, like, ever." "[giggles]" "Did you, um, roofie me maybe?" "You're just so naughty." "You must've worked up an appetite, so I'm going to make you eggs, OK?" "Oh." "And speaking of eggs, there's a lot going on down here." "So maybe the condom broke." "[squeals]" "One can hope, right?" "[giggles] [yawns]" "Oh, hey, guys." "Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys." "Go back to bed." "Go back to bed." "You don't need to, uh, be up this early." "I can make you breakfast, seriously." "Oh, that's sweet." "Really?" "That's sweet." "An old-school Adam omelette?" "I'm down." "Yeah, well, it's the least I can do, you know?" "I mean, just relax." "Go back to bed, really." "What's going on in my kitchen?" "Go, my go... my god." "Um, it, uh, just kinda happened." "Um..." "What is on her ass?" "What is that?" "Yeah, it's of, uh, a tiger." "Um..." "Oh." "Oh." "Is that why we heard growling and crying last night?" "Because I thought you were just watching" "Animal Planet stoned again." "No." "No." "Well, uh... when you..." "She bounces up and down..." "Don't." "Stop." "Oh, my god." "What did you do?" "Her ass cheeks go like this, and a tiger goes like this." "Oh, my god." "Oh." "I don't... oh, my god!" "Come on." "You know what?" "Tell her to get some underwear on, OK?" "OK." "I'll handle it, baby." "I will handle it with care." "Hey, but seriously." "What?" "Tell me everything." "(HUSHED) When you do doggy style with her... when you do doggy style with her..." "Right." "it looks like the tiger's going like... it looks like the tiger's going like this." "[guttural croaking]" "I see what's happening, 'cause it's like... it's kind of like the cartoon tiger, except it's hornier." "Yeah, have you ever seen that YouTube video where the panda sneezes?" "Yeah." "It's like that, only with a tiger butt." "It's with an asshole for a mouth." "All right." "No." "What?" "No!" "No!" "I need a good toss from you, honey." "Take five." "Hey, you came." "You know, I thought that this was gonna like an ironic thing." "But you guys really take this seriously, huh?" "Yeah, some of us more than others." "You should stretch before we start." "I'm not kidding. you will thank me later, OK?" "OK." "Yeah, stretch." "Jesus." "Hey." "What the hell are you doing here, man?" "Just trying something new." "What are you doing?" "I always wanted to be a part of my office kickball league." "It's one of my dreams." "So here I am." "Heh." "But unlike you, I'm..." "I'm doing it with some dignity." "You're wearing jean shorts to a kickball game?" "I mean, heh-heh." "You know what?" "I just kind of decided I..." "I was too old to have jeans with holes in them, and I just..." "Oh, my god." "Yeah?" "These were your cool jeans." "Your amazing cool jeans that I worship that had the most perfect hole right in the knee..." "A hole that you earned." "You cut those jeans into jean shorts?" "Who are you, man?" "I don't..." "I don't know who you are." "It's really not a big deal, man." "I don't know why... why you're getting all bent out of shape." "Yeah, well, just so you know, OK, whenever I close my eyes," "I'm going to picture you in your cool jeans." "OK." "Not any fucking jean shorts, OK?" "How about this?" "Uh, we're broken up, and we actually shouldn't be talking, much less closing our eyes and thinking about each other." "That's super fucking weird." "Well, here's the other thing about my mind, man." "I don't really care about your stupid little contract." "OK." "In my mind, I don't care about it." "Well, in my mind, I care about the contract." "So how do you explain that?" "Well, in my mind, we're not talking about that at all." "We're continuing the conversation about the jeans." "In my mind, the conversation shifted into a different thing." "Well, in my mind, it didn't." "In my mind, it's about, uh, 20 minutes long." "And in the midst of that conversation in my mind, you apologize for cutting your jeans into stupid fucking jean shorts." "And then also in my mind, I don't accept your apology." "I don't accept your apology in my mind!" "Well, in my mind, you accepted the apology." "You... you totally graciously accept the apology." "And you were even a little bit... you bowed." "You were a little bit Japanese about it." "How's that?" "[yells gibberish]" "Jesus." "Howie!" "What are you doing?" "MAN:" "Oh!" "Hey!" "What the hell, man?" "Where are you going?" "Howie?" "Howie?" "[chatter]" "I got it!" "Hey, man, how's it going?" "You're not gonna run to second?" "Huh?" "No." "No, no, no." "I'm not gonna do that." "Oh." "Hey, I'm sorry about before, man." "Yeah, don't worry about it, man." "It's all good." "Hey, hey, hey." "We don't want to make this weird." "No, of course not." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Woo!" "That's game, you guys." "Hey, Beth, thanks for today." "That was fun." "Yeah!" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Um, are you going to come to Big Wangs?" "Oh, Wangers?" "You... you guys are going to Wangers?" "Heh." "Nobody calls it that." "But yeah, we go every Saturday." "Cool." "Yeah, I'm in." "[cheering]" "BETH:" "I knew it." "I mean, deep down, you know it's an athletic ability." "I mean, I haven't kicked a ball since eighth grade, but I've been competitive-drinking since ninth." "Hi." "Sorry to interrupt, but did you lose a business card?" "No I don't..." "No, you didn't, because that one's mine." "Call me." "That's a good move, man." "I got to do that." "Perhaps some business cards." "Holy shit, dude." "Adam!" "You two know each other?" "Uh, I mean..." "Shit, yeah, we do." "This is Adam Bomb right here." "Right, Adam Bomb." "Adam Bomb!" "Like the bomb." "Adam Bomb, like the atom bomb, dude." "Exactly." "Great to see you, man." "You gonna introduce me to your friend?" "Uh, Beth, Butler." "Hi." "It's very nice to meet you." "Butler's not my first name, though." "I only give my first name out to women" "I'm about to have sex with." "It's Andrew." "Wow." "I'm going to go to the ladies' room." "Want to meet me back there?" "Don't knock, you know?" "Just... just blaze right in." "I absolutely will." "God, that's never actually worked before." "Right." "Shit, man." "So how's it been going since high school?" "Do people still call you Adam Bomb?" "Uh, no." "Nobody really called me that but you." "No, man, no." "Other people called you that." "Well, you bullied them into that." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Shit, man, I was good at that." "Good at... there's no good at bullying, really." "It's just bad." "No, you can be good at bullying, man." "Yeah?" "Oh, hello." "Were you the guy that ordered these?" "Yes, I was." "Thank you very much." "Oh, my... oh." "Oh, shit." "My god, I am so sorry, ma'am." "I didn't mean to..." "Oh, my god." "I totally meant to do that." "That was for you, buddy." "What?" "I saw some nipple in there." "Did you see some nipple?" "I wasn't really looking at her nipples." "I totally saw a nipple." "Hey, check it out." "I'm gonna leave this one here for you." "I only get two so I can come 'em on the ladies." "Oh." "Great to see you, man." "Look." "Butler and the Bomb, man." "We have got to hang out." "That's my information." "You give me a call." "I'm gonna go to the bathroom, because I don't know if your lady friend was kidding about wanting to fuck me, but I am not going to take that chance, OK?" "OK." "Great seeing you." "Oh, Jesus." "Fuck." "BETH:" "Is the coast clear?" "ADAM:" "Yeah, you're safe." "That was weird." "Yep." "You should totally hang out with that guy." "He's got a great card." "I don't know." "I've done some awful things, but I don't think I could ever be as douchey as one of those finance guys." "You know Justin's in finance, right?" "Oh." "Yeah." "I mean, they're not all douches." "I was just..." "No, they are." "All of them." "[phone chimes]" "'Sup?" "Hmm?" "We're texting Barrett now?" "How the hell did you know?" "Well, I mean, I'm the best." "I'm a mind reader." "And I also took your phone and changed all the guys' numbers to mine, 'cause I knew you were gonna crack." "Oh, come on." "It was a moment of weakness, all right?" "It won't happen again." "OK." "And who texts "'sup" anyway?" "What are you, 15?" "So what's going on?" "Do you not know what to do with yourself?" "Uh, I don't know." "You need to try new things." "You need to meet new people." "Have you tried anything new since the breakup?" "Yeah, I played kickball." "OK." "I fed a tiger." "Good!" "Good, that's something." "You would've never gone to the zoo if you were still hanging out... never mind, I got it." "We should make a list." "Uh, I'm not really a list guy, you know?" "Adam." "OK." "Uh, let's make a list." "I'm proud of myself." "This list is coming along really well." "We got "get contacts," 'cause you need 'em." "Get shirts that fit." "And, uh, get off our family plan, man." "You're 30 years old." "ADAM:" "Yeah." "Oh, also, I want you to put down "have a threesome," too, because if I have to put down and figure out what I'm going to do with my life, then I want to have something" "to look forward to as well." "I'll put down threesome." "Why are... what are we doing here?" "Here you go." "DAVID:" "Thanks." "ADAM:" "Oh, my god." "That..." "I love this." "Do you have to display them like we're..." "What is this?" "[laughing]" "That's so cute, dude!" "Look at this." "You're so cute here, for real." "That's the cutest thing I've ever seen." "This looks like it would be on the back of a..." "like, on a Spanish textbook." "And this is how you'd learn the word "happy" for Spanish." "I want to get 70 of these and line my wall in then so when" "I wake up I'm super happy." "Do not put that on my account." "BETH:" "Hey." "Hey, what's up?" "Hi, Beth." "Good morning." "Morning." "What are you, uh... what are you working on?" "Uh, if I tell you about it, you promise you're not going to laugh at me?" "No." "OK, deal." "I'm not allowed to post on any of our fantasy message boards anymore." "So I just kind of started this thing where I..." "I mean," "I guess it's a blog... where I just write about sports..." "Like baseball, football." "Lacrosse." "Well, no, not lacrosse." "People don't give a shit about that." "But yeah, it's just like for fun." "Like, I just write it to get it out of my brain." "I mean, nobody really sees it." "Well, we should fix that." "OK." "Um, you need, like, keywords." "Like, Lakers, Yankees, boobs." "Oh, yeah." "I don't know about what you're doing, but I was going to suggest boobs." "Yeah, because you can never go wrong with boobs, right?" "Right." "Well, that should... should help." "Oh, wait." "One second." "What are you doing now?" "Just emailed it to myself." "Oh, nice." "I grew up with some pretty die-hard Niners fans, so I thought I'd send it to them to see if you actually know what you're talking about." "OK." "Hi." "Hi." "Uh, hey, so thanks for setting me up with Krista, but..." "Oh yeah, whatever, she's crazy." "Hey, have you spoken to Barrett?" "Uh, as a matter of fact, no, I haven't talked to Barrett at all." "Oh." "That's good." "He's just a hard guy to get a hold of right now." "OK, cool." "Talk to you later." "Bye!" "Look, I feel really guilty meeting up with you like this, but I really have no choice." "You followed?" "No, I don't think so." "Can't be too sure." "We should probably speak in code." "The black scorpion awaits in the dark." "What... what are you talking about?" "Is this about the man in the green beret?" "Who?" "Dude, you texted secret meeting." "I thought that means we speak in code, like some bad-ass spy shit." "OK, but you got to be more specific." "I don't know about that shit... spy shit." "Come on." "Why?" "Is that why you look like Bruno Mars?" "It's kind of a good look." "Oh, no." "Anyways, what's up?" "Well, look." "There's this girl at work, Beth." "And she's been unusually flirty lately." "And I just..." "I think recently, she broke up with her boyfriend." "And I just don't..." "I don't know what I should do." "OK, so you like her?" "Uh, I don't know, man." "I mean, yeah, she's like the perfect girl, you know?" "She's... she's smart." "She's huge." "She looks great in a pair of shorts." "That's good." "Sometimes when I have to make a decision," "I'll think about what Beth, would maybe think the right decision was, and then I would gear my decision towards that." "The other day, I was at this crosswalk." "And I was waiting to cross the street." "And I caught myself daydreaming just about her laugh and about how cute Christmas year her voice was." "And I just..." "I totally missed two walk signals." "I don't know." "If you're asking me now, I guess I haven't really thought about it." "So I just..." "I don't really have an answer for you." "OK." "Christmasy voice, huh?" "Here's what you got to do." "If she's newly single, that means you're not the only guy waiting in the wings ready to pounce." "You got to make a bold move." "Can't just be another shoulder for her to cry on." "Not if you want her to pounce on something else." "I'm talking about your penis." "No, I know." "There's really no other way to take that." "You're homophobic if you don't hold my hand." "You're homophobic if you don't hold my hand." "Do I look like I've gained weight?" "Yeah." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa!" "BARRETT:" "See, I told you we were being followed." "What the hell are you guys doing together?" "Uh, what the hell are you guys doing together, huh?" "We were having a secret meeting, and it was totally Adam's fault!" "Hey." "Aha!" "Don't "aha" me." "You guys are together too, so what's going on?" "Well, we were having a secret meeting about your secret meeting." "Oh, really?" "And how the fuck did you guys find out?" "Because Barrett tweeted, "Super secret meeting, undisclosed location." "Spy, bad-ass style."" "140 characters, got it in." "Why are you following me on Twitter still?" "We broke up." "MOOK:" "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." "We're so broken up." "I trusted you, Adam." "I trusted you!" "All right, don't make that about trust." "No, no, no." "No, come on, no." "HOWIE:" "No, you knew." "You know, know, know, know, know, know, know." "[interposing voices]" "Hey, hey!" "Stop!" "Look!" "Listen!" "We all know, know, know, know, know." "OK?" "But look." "We made a mistake." "But we're all guilty." "Yes." "[saying "yeah" repeatedly]" "Yes, yeah, yeah." "OK." "I get you, yeah, yeah, yeah." "All right, so what do we do now?" "Well, we don't tell David about it." "That's for sure." "It's best that David stays out of it, right?" "ADAM:" "Right." "BARRETT:" "Yeah." "You guys do whatever you gotta do." "Excuse me, boys." "Where are you going?" "Barrett." "Barrett, where are you going?" "Oh." "Wow." "Stay strong, guys, you know?" "Just... we don't need to go in there." "This is wrong." "This is so wrong." "Oh." "Mook." "Barrett, [inaudible]." "I'm gonna walk over there, man, you know?" "Just walk over there, see what happens." "Howie." "Fuckin'..." "Howie." "Oh." "Hey, guys." "What's up?" "Hey." "Hi." "I haven't seen you forever." "How you been?" "Ugh." "It's good to see you back together." "Oh, we're not back together." "We're just kinda..." "Nah, no, we just got drunk." "Yeah, I don't know if I'm..." "I'm ready to just dive back in again, you know?" "OK." "So are we back together again?" "Oh, well, well, well, well, well." "David, this isn't what it looks like." "DAVID:" "Really, Howie?" "Because it looks to me like you guys all went out last night, got shit hammered, and now you're eating breakfast in the same filthy clothes you were wearing the night before." "How did you... how do you know we're here?" "Well, when you guys broke up, I got this made up." "Gave it to all the bars around town." "Really?" "I look awesome in this photo." "ADAM:" "Yeah, it's a good photo." "Who ratted?" "DAVID:" "Pretty much all of them." "You guys must have had a crazy night last night." "And also the fact that someone texted me a picture of their scrotum at 5:00 in the morning didn't really help matters." "Whose scrotum?" "I don't know, Mook." "It wasn't wearing a name tag." "Look, guys." "I understand that this is hard for you." "Unfortunately, you all should have been somewhere else last night." "Do you just carry the breakup contract around with you at all times?" "It's weird." "It's really weird." "Well, I'm sorry, you guys." "But you have to say goodbye to fantasy football." "All money will be refunded immediately." "And unfortunately, since this all started with a secret meeting... thanks for the tweet," "Barrett... two violations have occurred." "Come on, dude." "I'm sorry to say the place on 9th Street is... is gone." "And I'm going to give Amanda the jack and jill party she's always wanted." "I hate when you say those words." "It's discussing." "It's so fucking lame." "Stay away from each other, I'm telling you guys, because if I catch you one more time, you're gonna be paying for booze at my wedding, and fantasy baseball will disappear." "HOWIE:" "Oh, you are drunk with power!" "You have a problem!" "Hey, David, guess what." "That was my scrotum!" "Yeah." "Heh." "There you go, bro." "Just..." "I'm sorry." "Oh." "I'm sorry." "You-hoo-hoo." "I almost marked you down for too hungover to consider it." "Very funny." "What happened to you last night?" "Well, let's see." "I went out with some girlfriends." "We went drinking and dancing." "And I think I may have done some more drinking." "I'm not going to Wangers today." "Oh, yeah." "Hey, nobody calls it that." "So you're gonna take it easy?" "Yeah, I..." "I want to take it easy." "I could take it easy too." "What are we doing?" "What are we doing?" "Yeah, me and you." "We're at a park." "They got a lot of cool, like, trees we could lay under." "We could walk around." "We could go on... rowboats?" "They have rowboats." "Did you know they have rowboats here?" "That's awesome." "Let's do that." "No." "ADAM:" "Yeah, for sure." "We're doing it." "I guess it does look like fun." "[kickball hits head]" "Aah, fuck!" "Ha ha ha!" "All right, I think it's your turn to row." "[chuckles] What?" "We just got out here." "I know, but it's like it's exercise disguised as fun, and I don't like that." "Oh, guess what." "My dad is a fan of your blog." "Oh." "Cool." "You know, it's funny." "I think that a lot of people are actually reading my stuff now because of you." "No, they're reading it because it's good." "But you have to keep updating it, and then more people will read it." "I would, but I got..." "like, I'm really..." "I'm just so busy, you know?" "Like I got, like, uh, work." "And now, um, I got this rowboat hobby that I'm doing." "Um, hey, why don't you break up with Justin?" "I'm sorry, what?" "Is it 'cause you..." "He's, like, the kinda guy that doesn't wear a costume at a Halloween party or what?" "No." "Well, kinda." "I don't..." "I don't know." "Maybe we could hang out sometime." "I mean, do you like sushi?" "There's a really cool place that opened up." "I mean, I just broke up with him last week." "Guess somebody got you already, huh?" "Are you being serious right now?" "I am." "I just... you know, you're single now." "And I just felt like it was probably a good time to get in there." "Not in there." "Not like that." "But, uh, you know." "Ever since I've known you, you've... you've just gone from guy to guy." "Heh-heh." "I don't mean it like that." "That's a terrible way to say it too." "Look, I just... it's been a long time since I've done something like this in the daylight and just sober." "I've definitely never done it in a rowboat, so please cut me some slack." "You know, while you're not totally off base," "I guess I've..." "I've been in relationship after relationship ever since college, you know?" "And it's... it's hard to figure out who you are as a whole when you've always been part of something else." "Does that make any sense?" "Yeah." "Uh, I mean, it makes total sense, you know?" "That's why I broke up with my friends." "With your friends?" "It's just a stupid thing that we're doing, you know?" "Oh, I get it." "That's where you're playing kickball." "You're on the rebound." "Heh-heh." "So listen, I..." "I didn't..." "I didn't mean to screw this up." "I'm just..." "look, I like..." "I like hanging out with you." "And I like talking to you about stuff." "And I just figure, I don't know." "Hey, look, we're both in the same boat, right?" "Oh, my god." "I know, that was super corny." "Even when I said it, I knew it was too much, but..." "Oh, my god, Adam." "There is a guy masturbating over there!" "Holy shit." "Oh." "Oh." "You dropped the oars?" "Paddle." "Paddle, paddle." "[groans]" "Hey, you guys." "How you doing?" "Uh, pretty good." "How are you, man?" "I'm great." "You look like a cute couple." "How long you been together?" "We're not really going out together, you know?" "We just have a, um..." "She's not really ready." "She's, uh..." "I'm not..." "I'm not ready." "So, um, we can..." "Timing is everything." "When I first moved out here in my 20s," "I wanted to go out every night and paint the town red." "I was dating this girl." "Her idea of a perfect evening was to stay home with a bottle of wine, listen to Johnny Cash." "Now I'm older." "Oh, god." "And that's all I want to do." "Mm." "That girl... she's long gone." "She was the right girl." "Just the wrong time." "That's really sad, man." "That's sad, huh?" "Adam, move the boat!" "Oh, hey." "Uh, yeah." "Thanks, man." "Uh, so we... we probably got to get out of here, so..." "You need a hand?" "Oh, no, thanks." "No... no hands." "Wow, so this guy was just whacking it in plain view?" "Tastes amazing." "ADAM (ON PHONE):" "Yeah, he was just standing there thumbing his dick, like, all casually like he was reading a book." "Wow." "You have to admire that, you know?" "Just to be so free." "I can't imagine." "I could never do that, you know?" "And I'm engaged now." "That's probably one thing that I can't do." "You know, jerk off in public..." "I probably can't do that." "Are you nervous about the wedding, man?" "No, not at all." "Why?" "I mean, maybe a little." "Why?" "Where are you?" "Um, I'm actually gonna pick up some food right now." "Do you want me to bring home dinner for you and Amanda?" "DAVID (ON PHONE):" "Uh, no, no." "We're watching our weight." "Mm!" "And... and hey, could... could you actually not come home tonight?" "Yeah, it's just, we could kinda use the place to ourselves..." "Just the two of us, you know?" "(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, you're such a romantic." "Yeah, I'll just..." "I'll stay in my room." "No, seriously, man." "We haven't... we haven't had sex since you've moved in." "It's the truth." "She can't do it knowing that you're in the next room." "So please?" "Just don't come home tonight." "Just please don't, you know?" "Or just do something else." "Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?" "I can't even hang out with anybody." "DAVID (ON PHONE):" "No, Adam." "You're not allowed to hang out with three guys, OK?" "So just do something, anything, please." "I can't talk right now." "(MOUTH FULL) I'm in the middle of some really important wedding shit, OK?" "Babe, the rocky road one?" "Marshmallows in cake?" "(STERNLY) Don't come home." "All right." "[music playing]" "Oh, god damn!" "Adam fucking Bomb, man." "It is so good to have you, man." "Thanks for calling." "Yeah, thanks for having me." "Hey, do you want of this?" "Uh, oh, no, thank you." "I'm good." "It's cocaine." "No, no, I definitely know what it is." "But I don't..." "You don't do cocaine?" "You don't want some of this?" "I know." "Shh." "Don't..." "I..." "I'm all good." "Thank you." "This place is fucking awesome, right?" "Yeah, it's pretty good." "That's Andrea." "She's a model." "Very cool." "I don't know what she models, but her skin is amazing." "Touch it." "Oh, no, I can see it." "That's... that's nice." "No, no, no, she doesn't mind." "Go ahead, touch her skin." "OK." "BUTLER:" "No, don't pat it." "Like, touch it." "Oh, like..." "Yeah, get in there." "Yeah." "OK." "OK." "Honestly, after seeing someone like her," "I understand why you would cut somebody else's skin off and wear it as your own." "Oh, my god!" "No, don't worry about it, man." "I'm not actually gonna do that." "Yeah, good!" "Look, man." "Be fucking cool, all right?" "This is my joint." "OK." "I'll..." "I'll just..." "I'll be calm from here on out." "I'm just fucking with you, man." "Ha." "I got you." "Oh, you got me?" "I got you, Adam Bomb, man!" "Let's do a lap." "OK." "Just like old times, right?" "Yeah, kinda." "I mean, we didn't really hang out that much, but..." "Hey." "Do you remember that time senior year, Mr. York's physics class?" "I stole that answer key, copied it, and gave it to everybody." "And it turns out it was from, like, three years before." "And we all failed, and that one Asian kid killed himself?" "Yeah." "I can't get that kid out of my head." "That kid still haunts my dreams." "Do you remember his name?" "Uh, no." "It was Daniel Fu." "How do you forget that?" "Oh, right." "Do you remember his face?" "Yeah." "I remember what he looked like." "OK." "I do too." "Daniel Fu... now I remember his name." "Daniel Fu." "God damn it, I miss high school." "I fucking ruled that place." "Yeah." "This one's for you, Fu." "I'll never go away." "Hey, bitches love dancing, right?" "Yeah, yeah, they do." "Hey, here's the thing." "I don't want you to fuck any of these girls, all right?" "You're definitely going to get hep C." "Huh." "I'm just kidding." "Oh." "You can fuck them." "Hep C is treatable with antibiotics." "Either way, you know?" "Don't worry about it." "You're not going to get any ass dressed like this." "You look like a bag of wet sandwiches." "Oh." "Uh, that's so rude." "But, uh, it's my favorite shirt." "It's got a collar and everything, so." "Really?" "This shirt cost $600." "$600, that shirt?" "That's a..." "I mean, I don't even know how that could... wow, OK?" "Fuck you." "Yeah, that's really soft." "That's amazing how soft..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop touching me." "OK." "I feel like you led me to that." "So how are you supposed to talk to girls here?" "It's so loud." "God, you're not supposed to be talking at all." "You just have to have well-defined cheekbones and a shitload of money." "Ah." "Or you have to play for the Lakers like that guy." "ADAM:" "I don't really think that guy actually plays for the Lakers." "He's just... maybe just a black guy that bought a... a windbreaker." "But yeah." "I get what you're saying." "Oh, they could sure use them, huh?" "Yeah, true that." "The Lakers man... they flop worse than M. Night Shyamalan." "Hey, where'd you hear that?" "I wrote that." "Really?" "Yeah." "No shit." "My roommate sent me that link." "I should introduce you." "He works for Yahoo." "They're looking for writers." "Really?" "Which one's your roommate?" "He's that old guy trying to party like he's 22." "Let's do some molly, motherfuckers!" "Woo!" "I feel amazing!" "Hey, you know what?" "I'll connect you guys later." "Don't worry about it." "Oh, shit!" "This is our song, bros!" "Let's go, Jim." "Let's go!" "God." "That's... that's so exhausting." "All right, motherfuckers." "It's that time o' night." "Hand in your credit cards." "ADAM:" "What do we do?" "We just split it up, yeah?" "Split it... yeah, that's what we do." "No, bro." "We play credit card roulette." "We let the young lady to my left decide who is the richest among us tonight." "Oh, the new guy!" "New guy has to pay for everything!" "Welcome to the circle!" "Adam Bomb!" "OK." "All right." "That can't be too bad, right?" "Oh, yeah." "You got to pay for, what, six bottles?" "Yeah, 2 grand... not even." "2 grand?" "You're fucking serious?" "Bro, do me a favor." "Tip her well." "She's coming back to the after-party." "Let's rock and roll, my place!" "Awesome hanging out with you, man." "We got to do this more." "Let's go." "So dude, thanks for giving us the place last night." "But Amanda came up with this amazing idea during dinner." "What?" "Since we haven't had sex in so long, we save ourselves for our wedding night to make it more special, you know?" "I think it's pretty cool." "That sounds like a terrible idea." "I think it's a great idea, because it's like I'm a virgin again now." "You're not a virgin." "You're a dude that doesn't have sex, and there's a lot of those out there." "All right, well, you can agree to disagree." "I think it's a great idea." "So anyway, how are you doing?" "Well, I miss fantasy football more than I miss our dead grandmother." "I had a nightmare the other night about a summer without fantasy baseball." "That was terrible." "Other than that, I totally think that this breakup was a mistake." "First of all, Nana would be crushed if she heard you say that." "And the breakup was not a bad idea, OK?" "You needed this." "So how are the other guys?" "DAVID:" "They're good." "They're good." "Uh, Barrett enrolled in a couple of night classes at USC, actually." "He's killing it with the girls." "Mook calls me a lot, actually." "I don't know what his deal is, but he's taking some sort of class." "I don't know." "He wasn't really specific." "Howie emailed me." "He got a promotion, I think, at work." "And he's dating someone who's got a kid." "OK, great." "So I'm in last place." "Dude, this is not a race." "What?" "Nothing." "This guy is measuring my inner thigh, and I think it moved." "Oh, so you're... you're gay." "Oh, really?" "I'm gay?" "I'm in a committed relationship, and you just broke up with a bunch of dudes." "How am I gay?" "You're in a committed relationship, but you won't have sex with a girl." "I'm in a committed relationship, but I'm choosing not to have sex with a girl." "How is that gay?" "That's actually so gay." "That's so gay." "Yeah, I totally got that, yeah." "[phone chimes]" "Oh. [inaudible]" "BETH:" "I thought we were going to keep pretending that exercising was fun." "You can't go jogging in that." "I honestly thought you were joking." "This outfit is not ironic." "[sighs]" "So what are we gonna do now?" "You know what?" "You were right." "This is a way better idea than working out." "Yeah." "Stick with me, and you'll be out of shape in no time." "I got it, I got it!" "Oh." "Oh." "Hey." "You all right?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm good." "Adam." "What?" "We should probably stop." "I mean, you know, uh, we don't have to stop." "I just..." "I don't want to screw things up, you know?" "Well, for the record, I don't think it screws things up." "I think it makes things way better." "I just..." "I just don't think it's the right time." "Really?" "You're single for once." "Technically, it's like the perfect time." "Yeah, but it doesn't feel that way to me." "Can't we just, you know, continue to hang out as friends and see where it goes from there?" "I'm just..." "I'm not ready for more than that." "Well I am." "Are you sure?" "I think you need time to figure things out." "And I just..." "I just need you to give me some time too." "Oh, I will." "I..." "I totally will." "I think that time is great." "But I think that that thing that we just did where we kissed is also awesome." "And I think that while we're taking that time, we can continue to hang out and do cool things." "And every now and then, I'll kiss you, and..." "Adam, look." "I just can't be at the top of your list right now." "I'm..." "I'm sorry, but that's where I'm at." "Well, it's not where I'm at." "I want more than that." "Hey, Adam." "Uh, sorry to bother you." "But I was thinking about putting together a presentation regarding the NNL's ability to... (SINGSONG VOICE) I'm in love." "Dude, her name is Stephanie." "And I know we're not supposed to say anything, but I had to tell somebody." "Wow." "Where'd you meet her?" "Uh, just this class where we learn things." "You know, books and shit." "Uh, anyway you'll get to meet her at David's stupid jack and jill party." "Yeah, cool." "I'll get to meet your girl." "I'll get to meet Howie's girl and maybe her kid." "I'll get to meet, uh, Barrett's girls." "I'll sure he'll have a few hot coeds, 'cause he's the big man on campus." "It'll be a fucking great night for me." "Dude, are you doing all right?" "Yeah, I'm great." "Never been better." "I still don't have a girl." "I'm broke as shit." "I'm sleeping on a pull-out mattress." "And at any given moment, I'm worried that a condom broke and I might have a litter of tiger cubs." "Uh, I don't know what that last part means." "But it can't be all bad." "No, no, no, no, no, it's not." "A guy at Yahoo who happens to be a raging fucking coke head told me he might read an article I wrote on the 49ers." "Hey, Adam." "I just have a quick question." "Hey, Jamie, what's up?" "Yeah, listen." "Barrett's just an enigma of the man, and he's playing hard to get." "Oh." "I knew it." "I was totally gonna tell you that." "Shit." "Hey, uh, Mr. Richtman." "What is this?" "Yeah, I know." "Look, I want to apologize about that." "I know I left that in there." "This is really good." "You wrote this?" "Yeah." "I had no idea you were a writer." "I want to read more." "Where are the articles on lacrosse?" "Uh, well, there aren't any." "Nobody cares about lacrosse." "What?" "You've been here longer than I have." "I thought you loved lacrosse." "Me?" "No." "Honestly, I thought you were the only one around here that cared about lacrosse?" "What are you doing here if you don't like lacrosse?" "I don't know." "It's my job." "Oh, no." "You're talking to me like a guy who wants me to fire him." "No, I..." "I think that that is maybe what I want." "[groans] ADAM:" "Actually, no." "I..." "look, I don't want to get fired." "Don't fire me." "OK." "Good, I've never fired anybody before." "I mean, if I were you, I would fire me." "I mean, you know how long it took me to do my work today?" "A full day's work, I did it in a half an hour, and I wasn't even trying." "How is it even possible?" "I don't know." "It's just so easy." "I mean..." "RICHTMAN:" "All right, wait." "I'm confused." "Do you want me to fire you or not?" "No, I don't want you to fire me." "I just..." "I don't want to lose that too." "That's my job." "Good." "All right, so I'm not firing you." "ADAM:" "OK." "Why not?" "Ugh!" "Look, I just..." "You want somebody that wants to be here, right?" "And I don't want to be here." "I mean, I have to move on with my life." "[sighs]" "But seriously, don't fire me." "I don't want to get fired." "Oh, god." "All right, Adam." "You're fired." "MOOK:" "I'm coming with ya!" "Mook, hold on." "No." "Just... it's against the rules." "[sighs]" "Wow, this is emotional." "Come on." "No, I just never fired a guy before." "OK." "Are we good?" "Yeah, we're good." "OK." "You're still fired and we're good?" "I'm fired and it's all good." "Great." "That felt good." "Who's next?" "Lyle, meet me in my office." "Mook, you bring a plant and a keyboard?" "Really?" "[stammers]" "DAVID:" "We were gonna..." "You were gonna talk first." "AMANDA:" "Oh, yeah." "DAVID:" "Yeah." "Yeah." "I'm sorry." "They're all sitting in a circle, and they're looking at us." "Um." "Hi." "Hello, everyone." "Thank you for coming to our jack and jill party." "I'm Jack, heh-heh." "Jill." "We have a lot of really fun games that we're going to play." "Don't we, David?" "Yes." "Yes, we do." "Um, we have Dirty Taboo." "We have, um, Truth or Dare Jenga, which should be fun." "Um, we also have Naughty Pictionary." "We have Uno, which is just a great game." "Uh, heh." "Dominoes, where we could just kinda line them up and see what, you know, uh, we could flick them." "What the fuck?" "I think this was a pretty bad idea." "You guys, you look totally miserable." "Are you?" "[monotonous responses]" "OK." "New plan." "Ladies, you guys all come with me." "We're going to go to a club." "OK?" "Guys, you stay here." "Have your bachelor party." "Get crazy." "Do what you do." "I don't need to know about it." "How does that sound?" "[positive responses]" "That sounds great, babe." "AMANDA:" "Hey, babe?" "Mm-hmm?" "You fuck a stripper, I kill you." "OK?" "[inaudible]" "OK." "[inaudible] [music playing]" "Man, it's so good that those girls are gone." "It's been a long time since we've done this." "We needed it." "HOWIE:" "Hey, hey, hey!" "Hey, look at me!" "Looks like I'm going to be the robe guy of this party, huh?" "Any objections?" "Uh, maybe a couple." "Any luck?" "Oh, I don't need luck, my friend." "I got a little thing called technology." "I just found this app, ordered two strippers." "You got strippers coming?" "HOWIE:" "Oh, yeah." "They're, uh..." "Wow, that dude is the saddest thing" "I've ever seen in my life." "Let me put on some stripper music, yo!" "Yeah!" "Bam." "Yeah." "[music playing] [doorbell rings]" "Oh, OK." "The strippers are here." "Everybody sit down." "Sit down, sit down, sit down." "Come on, come on." "Get on the couch!" "Get on the couch!" "And keep it together." "Keep it cool." "Do not embarrass me." "Chill." "Chill out." "Sorry I yelled." "Let's have fun." "All right." "Just one second!" "Hi, I love your beard." "Oh, heh-heh." "Hey." "[cheering]" "That's the guy!" "That's the bachelor!" "All right, that's me." "Anyway..." "All right." "Yeah, OK." "Yeah!" "Wow." "Heh-heh." "What?" "Um..." "Whoa." "ADAM:" "OK." "Hold on." "Is... is everything OK?" "Hey, she's crying." "Oh, yeah, yeah yeah, sorry." "He just gets really nervous before a gang bang." "[negative responses]" "That's not what this is." "We can try it." "Or not." "Whatever." "What you guys want." "Gang bang, no gang bang, I'm here to support." "You girls on Linkedln?" "Excuse me, stripper?" "We're not at all interested in a gang bang." "We're just looking for some innocent bachelor party fun here, OK?" "Maybe a little girl on girl if things get crazy." "We're not lesbian, you perverts." "How are we the perverts here?" "Everyone, shut up." "You, bachelor." "It's $100 for handjobs, 250 for blowjobs, and 500 to put it anywhere you want." "Well, almost anywhere." "The back door's always open, but the front door's closed due to monthly maintenance." "Oh, no!" "No!" "Unless you're into it, then it's double." "Double?" "ADAM:" "I don't think you understand." "We're not really hooker guys." "OK, well, we're really hookers." "HOWIE:" "All right, sweetie, look." "On this app, on this app, it says in the description" ""exotic dancers."" "OK." "Well, that's because..." "That's because we can't say that we fuck for money, retard." "You are a very immature prostitute." "Oh, really, senator?" "You're really immature yourself." "You know what?" "We came all the way down here, and we're not leaving until we get paid, OK?" "So who's ready to fucking party?" "No, not like that." "Huh?" "The brown guy?" "You want to party?" "Uh, how much is it for her to stop crying and for both of you to go home?" "[prostitute crying]" "$300." "Oh, that's a ripoff, man." "How much for a handjob?" "PUSSYPOP:" "Yes!" "Pussypop is back!" "[cheering]" "See this?" "Soak it in." "That's your future." "Nobody likes strippers more than married dudes." "Hell, is this one crying?" "Well, shit." "I got some I'm into cry and not cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry." "Cry!" "Ha ha!" "Yeah!" "Why aren't you crying?" "Hey, guys." "Let's get the fuck out of here." "[affirmative responses] [laughter]" "Hey, yeah." "You know what?" "Hey, forget that jack and jill party." "That was way better than that, man." "Where's David?" "[burps]" "I think he's puking with Pussypop somewhere." "Where... where we going to take him next?" "Let's go to Jumbo's, man." "Ooh!" "Get him a lap dance." "Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Oh, Deb says that her and the girls are at Poubelle." "Oh, let's just do that then." "Whoa, no way." "Fuck that." "This is our night, dude." "Oh, but dude, you know, I'd really like you to meet Deb, get to know her." "Ha-ha, who cares about Deb?" "Well, I care about Deb." "No, I know." "I'm not..." "I don't mean it like that." "I'm just saying, you know, OK." "Hey, look." "I'm going to stop right here." "Stop it." "What?" "Stop." "Stopping?" "Stop." "OK." "I was going to wait to do this." "But fuck it, OK?" "What is that?" "What... what are those?" "These are the keys to David's place, the place that David was talking about." "I went down, and I convinced them to let me make a deposit on it." "This place is ours." "Oh, dude." "You really did that?" "I mean, that's..." "That's really cool." "But I've been actually saving up money to get my own place, like a condo or something." "[laughs]" "Howard, man." "Are you being responsible, Howard?" "That is his name." "If you're responsible, you have to use your full name, Howard." "I don't know either." "I'm..." "I kinda like staying on campus." "I'm thinking about getting my master's, maybe becoming a professor." "That's awesome." "You're gonna make a difference." "Yeah, maybe." "And I also get to hang around college girls for the rest of my life." "So it's kinda like a no-brainer, you know?" "What's your excuse, huh, Mook?" "I don't think the time is right." "You don't think it's the right time." "Ha." "Are you guys being serious?" "You guys... you don't want to live together anymore?" "It's over?" "No, we're almost contractually allowed to hang out again soon." "Yeah, but it was supposed to go back to the way that things were." "To be honest, man, I really want to go back to the way things were." "I like how things are now." "BARRETT:" "Yeah." "Same." "Oh." "I feel like a big asshole right now." "No, Adam, come on." "No, no." "Hey, come on." "Look." "That's not the way it is, man." "I mean, the breakup actually worked for all of us." "Yeah, for you, man." "For you." "I didn't work for me." "I lost." "I fucked it all up." "And I tried to do this shit, and I just fucked it all up." "Isn't not going to be the way it was." "We can't just go back." "Why bother?" "Hey, hey." "Where are you going?" "ADAM:" "I don't know." "I don't know where I'm going." "But I'm telling you, I fucked it up, and I don't know." "OK?" "So you... you guys, good." "You're better off without me." "And I'm going to go be better off without you." "That's not cool, bro." "It's not how it is." "[music playing]" "(QUIETLY) Shit." "Shit." "I can't..." "I can't find that bag... that... that little bag had the... the cufflinks in it." "I hate that bag, you know what I mean?" "It's the worst bag in the world." "It's like, I had it." "I had the bag at the rehearsal." "I definitely had it at the rehearsal." "I mean, is it so hard to make a fucking shirt with black buttons already on it." "Relax." "I'll go get the bag." "It's cool." "Seriously, it's a man's wedding day, you know?" "You would think that the last thing would be on his mind are the fucking black buttons." "David, sit down." "It's like, I can't wear white buttons." "Amanda will kill me..." "Right, I know." "you know, let alone marry me." "She might just kill me in front of her whole family." "I hear you, OK?" "HOWIE:" "Yeah, we're doing it. [inaudible]" "Jack Daniel's [inaudible]." "Hey." "Hey, what up, man?" "[laughter]" "Um, are you... you're sure you need that bag now?" "Because you look..." "I mean, you just look great just looking at you now." "Yeah." "Yes, I need the b... why?" "What's going on?" "Um, the guys are out there." "And it's just weird." "I..." "I haven't talked to them, you know, since the thing or..." "Adam, it's my wedding day." "Swallow your pride." "Make nice-nice with your fucking friends." "And get me that fucking bag!" "Just give me the fucking bag!" "You nervous?" "I just want to die." "Here." "Here, here." "Just... just drink." "I'm gonna die a virgin." "[music - pachelbel's canon]" "It's really happening, huh?" "Yeah, it really is." "No, I..." "I don't know if this is the best time to bring this up." "Uh, I've been meaning to apologize to you." "Uh, you know, I..." "I probably wasn't the best boyfriend." "Adam, it's fine." "Honestly." "Everything worked out the way it was supposed to." "We're good." "(WHISPERING) Prick." "Hey." "I know." "I'm just..." "I'm sorry kind of." "[music playing]" "Whoa, hey." "What's up?" "Hey." "What's up, man?" "How are you, man?" "It's been so long." "Oh, man." "I haven't seen you." "Yeah, hey." "Yeah, I heard..." "I read on your blog that you're writing for Yahoo now?" "Yeah, Yahoo." "Yeah, well, I mean, you know, I'm a freelance writer." "But, uh, there's a shot that might bump me up to staff." "So good to hear." "How are you doing?" "Uh, good, man." "Good." "It's been slightly, like, weird without you guys." "Wrote a lot of books." "Uh-huh." "Went on a lot of pub crawls on my own." "No way." "Got really into Chris Isaak for a while." "One day, I was just like, oh, let's just see how many times I can masturbate." "No way." "Can you check and see the guys?" "11." "Never look at Jennifer Lawrence again." "Can you..." "Tried crystal meth." "Um, it was pretty good." "Can you see the guys over... over this way?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Are they looking over here?" "Yep." "They are?" "Yep." "Can you just do something, like I just made a joke?" "Like laugh." "Just, like, laugh like crazy right now." "What, are you trying to make them jealous?" "No." "Will you just fucking laugh?" "Please do this for me." "Go." "[both laughing]" "Right?" "Right?" "Right?" "No, don't look over there." "Look over here." "Make it about me." "Yeah." "Oh, right?" "Cool man." "So, um..." "[laughing]" "OK, hold on." "Can you just look over here now?" "Don't look at them." "Don't look at them, dude." "Don't look at them." "[laughing]" "Do I..." "I seem comfortable, right?" "Yes." "Well, don't... you got to stop laughing." "Stop laughing." "OK." "Stop fucking laughing." "Well, hold on one second." "Don't leave." "Let me be the one who leaves so it looks more like I..." "I'm the guy who's, like, deciding when the conversation's over, OK?" "Ro." "Ro." "Ro." "My man." "Hey, hey, hey." "Come over here." "Get over here." "Hey, how's it going?" "I missed you guys." "OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "No, no, no, no." "What did he say?" "What did Adam say to you?" "We saw you guys talking." "What's up?" "OK, I cannot deal with this anymore!" "I cannot be in the middle anymore!" "You guys are playing a wicked game!" "Whoa." "I got to find some crystal meth." "Shit!" "[music playing]" "REED:" "Adam." "Hey." "I'm sorry." "Um..." "Call me Uncle Reed." "I'm a friend of your mother's." "Oh." "That's a hell of a wedding going on, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's, uh, good." "I haven't seen you dancing." "Yeah, I don't know." "I'm just not... not..." "Dancing tonight." "[chuckling]" "Oh, yeah." "I used to be like that... self-conscious about being another run-of-the-mill white guy dancing at a wedding." "[chuckling]" "Yeah." "I mean, that's just..." "That's not really the issue." "I just kinda... not really in the mood, you know?" "I get it." "I get it... weddings." "Weddings... yeah, you never know how they're gonna hit ya." "But Davy's... he's a good kid." "I don't think you have to worry about losing him." "Um, yeah." "I'm actually not worried about that at all." "Families get bigger." "Right." "And Davy... he's..." "He's the same guy." "Well, he... nobody really calls him Davy." "Um, and..." "Adam." "What's up?" "The book of life has many, many chapters." "Right?" "And what once you finish one chapter, you don't throw away the book." "Mm." "You keep on reading." "Is this... are you a... is this a psychologist thing or... [laughing]" "Oh, my god." "[laughing]" "Scientology, no." "Are you..." "I'm sorry, but who are you again?" "[stammering]" "I'm a friend of your mom's." "OK." "And if you really want to dig down a little deeper into the reality of the situation..." "I don't know." "I don't know." "then..." "PUSSYPOP:" "Hey, Adam." "They're about to cut the cake." "ADAM:" "OK, cool." "I should probably get in there for my brother and all." "And this... this is super..." "Super fucking weird." "But, um, thank you." "Thanks, uh, for the talk." "Super fucking weird?" "What's super fucking weird is I'm super fucking your mom." "That's what's super fucking weird." "So listen." "I know that it's my job to share, uh, embarrassing stories here." "But, uh, David made we promise that I wouldn't come up here and talk about how he tried to reinvent himself in college as Rave Dave, the one-man party, and get really good at glow sticks." "[laughter]" "Anyway, that's well behind them." "But if we get lucky, maybe he'll pull him out." "It's not happening." "[inaudible]" "To David and Amanda, everybody." "[music playing]" "Hey." "Hey." "Are you having a good time?" "Yeah, of course, I am." "Yeah." "It's just great." "This is the best..." "I mean, this is the best wedding I've ever been to." "Oh, thanks." "That's sweet." "So why do you look so miserable?" "Heh." "Just go say hi." "Uh, I..." "I can't." "Adam, I've known you for a long time." "I know you can." "You can't say no to me." "This is my wedding day." "All right." "OK." "[MUSIC" " MONTELL JORDAN, "THIS IS HOW WE DO IT"]" "Thank you." "You're welcome." "You guys, uh, I'm sorry." "Ha ha ha!" "Yeah!" "All right, I knew you were going to do that." "Dude, there is no reason to apologize." "No, look." "I..." "I... there is, OK?" "I thought that this was just gonna be another one of those stupid things that we do, like when we got stoned every day for a month." "Jewel High, 2010." "Right." "That fucking sucked!" "[interposing voices]" "I thought that afterwards that it was all just gonna go back to the way things were, and that's why I freaked out." "I..." "I didn't think that it would actually work." "Adam, the whole breakup worked, because we..." "We gave each other enough space to figure out what we really wanted." "Yes, and now we are even more awesome." "So what else would you want?" "Honestly?" "Beth." "I know that she doesn't want to be at the top of my list." "But she's what's missing." "Hey, there's these guys." "Bros before hos, huh?" "[chuckling]" "That was weird." "All right, just trying to fit in." "OK, have fun." "Hey, dude." "That list has got to be a lot shorter now, right?" "Yeah, and if that's what's missing, let's go fix that shit, brother." "Yeah, let's get the girl!" "Get the girl." "Babe, come on." "We got to get the girl." "Oh!" "We took the shuttle from the hotel." "Let's do it." "Yes!" "The keys are in the ignition." "Yes." "Who's driving?" "I can't drive a bus." "I would fail every DUI test known to man right now." "I'm legally forbidden from driving buses." "You guys know that." "MARIO LOPEZ:" "I can drive a bus." "How cool is this guy?" "[phone ringing]" "One second." "Hello?" "ADAM:" "Hey, listen." "Uh, I..." "I promise you that this isn't a booty call." "I just... where... where are you right now?" "OK." "Uh, listen." "Stay right there, OK?" "OK." "Now, do you know what you're going to say when you get there?" "Do... do you need any help or anything?" "Uh, yeah, you know, I think I got it." "Yeah." "You sure?" "Yeah." "Thanks." "All right." "Well, I did steal Kelly Kapowski away from Zack Morris, you know?" "I'm just saying." "Yeah." "I got it." "Thanks, though." "MARIO LOPEZ:" "You sure?" "ADAM:" "Yeah." "Thanks." "MARIO LOPEZ:" "All right." "ADAM:" "Here." "Pull off here." "Listen." "You got this, Preppy." "Oh, my... it's so... so awesome that you just called me that." "Thanks, man." "Yeah." "I am pretty awesome." "Beth." "Beth." "Look, I know there's a lot to take in right now." "But this has to happen now, OK?" "Guys, come out here." "Barrett, Mook, Howie." "Beth, you already know Mook." "And this is Howie." "And that's Barrett over there." "I need you to know these guys, because, uh, I want you to know me." "We broke up." "During that time, I had to decide what" "I wanted to do with my life." "It was really hard." "But I think I finally did it." "I mean, I'm..." "I'm a writer now." "Blogger, technically." "All right, Barrett." "OK." "I got my own place." "In Burbank." "Mook, it doesn't..." "The only thing in my life that's missing right now is you." "Oh, that is so cute, huh?" "[chuckling]" "ADAM:" "All right." "I should have kept these guys in the bus." "Can I come up there?" "Yeah." "ADAM:" "Oh." "Beth, thanks." "That's, uh, much better." "Look." "Uh, Beth, I, um..." "I realize now that you needed time too." "And I didn't respect that." "And I..." "I should've." "So I'm sorry." "Thank you." "You know, I keep thinking about that guy who was masturbating in the park." "And why doesn't that surprise me?" "The truth is, you have a lot in common with that filthy exhibitionist." "Look, you're going to look back on this, and you're going to wonder what could've happened." "What you let go just because the timing wasn't right." "Beth, I miss you." "And I just..." "I want to go back to the way things were." "I want..." "I want to hang out with you." "I want to be around you." "And this way, if you decide one day that you want more than you know what," "I'm going to be right here." "I don't..." "I don't want that." "I missed you too." "Are you sure about this?" "No." "But I'm ready." "Hey, wait." "That... that guy who would, you know, dress up in the California Raisins costume and, you know, win fishbowl races..." "I..." "I liked that guy." "And I liked who I was around that guy." "He's not completely gone, is he?" "Uh, no." "I mean, I just stole a bus and crashed a party with my friends." "So I would say it's safe to say that this is never gonna be boring." "[giggles]" "I wonder what they're doing up there." "You guys are definitely gonna win best couples costume tonight." "Us?" "What are talking about?" "You know who's the shoo-in?" "Mook and Stephanie." "Look." "What?" "Yeah!" "Hahaha, yeah!" "All right." "I don't mind being the fifth wheel tonight, 'cause you guys all look amazing." "But I'm just saying, I'm very happy to be single on Halloween night." "I got the winning costume." "It's not original, but..." "Are you going to Lyle's Halloween party?" "Me too." "Hey, what's up?" "I'm Barrett." "Hey, Barrett." "I like what you got going on here." "OK." "OK." "No, we're good." "We're good here." "We're..." "Hey, Elvis." "Howie's still gonna meet us with us after he's done trick-or-treating?" "That's the plan, but who knows?" "Nice." "[horn tooting]" "Howie!" "[laughs]" "Hey!" "We've figured out the best way to trick-or-treat!" "Come on board!" "Oh, my god, what is this?" "Only the best invention known to man." "Get up on that thing, girl!" "STEPHANIE:" "Woo!" "[both laugh]" "So are you coming with us, or..." "I'm not letting you out of my sight again." "Again?" "So I gather this is not your first time on a barcycle." "No, and it's definitely gonna be my last." "Better not be." "All right." "We got to get one little kid candy pronto." "So peddle!" "MOOK:" "Ooh, I want some candy!" "I want candy!" "BARRETT:" "Well, keep..." "Get your candy." "Just keep your pants on, Mook." "MOOK:" "No promises!" "ADAM:" "But actually keep your pants on for real." "There a kid around." "[music playing]"