"The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience." "♪ On the outside always looking in ♪" "♪ Will I ever be more than I've always been?" "♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass ♪" "♪ I'm waving through a window ♪" "♪ Oh, I try to sleep, but nobody can hear ♪" "♪ So I wait around for an answer to appear ♪" "♪ While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass ♪" "♪ I'm waving through a window" "♪ Oh ♪" " ♪ We start with stars in our eyes... ♪" " Oh, I didn't realize you weren't done." "♪ We start believing that we belong ♪" "♪ But every sun doesn't rise ♪" "♪ And no one tells you where you went wrong ♪" "♪ On the outside, always looking in ♪" "♪ Will I ever be more than I've always been?" "♪" "♪ 'Cause I'm... ♪ (humming)" "♪ I'm waving through a window. ♪" "Mwah." "How was the mall?" "There was a mass shooting." "Three people are dead." "Wait, what?" "Oh, my God, Jerrod." "No, no, no, don't freak out, Maxine." "Let's go back to singing." "I like that "tap, tap, tap."" "No, Jerrod, stop, stop." "Wait, three people are dead?" "Actually, four, they got the shooter, too." "♪ Waving through a window ♪" "♪ Oh!" "♪" "♪♪" "♪♪" "♪♪" "♪♪ *THE CARMICHAEL SHOW* Season 03 Episode 06 Title: "Shoot-Up-Able"" "Oh, my God, you were in a mall shooting?" "Wh-What happened?" "Are you okay?" "Wha..." "Maxine, let's not make a big deal about this, okay?" "This is an extremely big deal." "No, no, these things happen, okay?" "Unfortunately, this is the society we live in." "Some places are just shoot-up-able." ""Shoot-up-able"?" "Jerrod, I don't want to hear you explain" " any of your stupid theories right now." " See, a shoot-up-able place is one that makes you feel nervous." "You ever been somewhere with a large crowd and little security and you had this feeling in the pit of your stomach that something could go down at any moment?" "You know, like, at the airport or, like, a train station, or, like, a concert, or, or, maybe, like, the quad of a liberal arts college." "It's the reason you and I never go to the movies at 8:00 p.m. on a Friday night." "Like, I will go to the movies at 11:00 a.m. Monday morning when it's safe." "(door opens) Oh, my God, Jerrod, you alive." "Oh, my God." " Yes!" " Yeah." "Oh, you're alive 'cause you lived." "Oh, my God, you could've been dead." "But you're not, because you are alive." "Yeah, yeah." "Come on, man, hug me back." "No, Bobby, how did you even know I was at the mall?" "Look, Jesus from PacSun told me." "I don't know who that is." "Remember Jesus that used to work at Dunkin' Donuts?" " Yeah." " Well, he work at PacSun now." "Oh." "Jerrod, come sit down." "Are you okay?" "I don't need to sit down, Maxine." "Well, look, I got to sit down." "(sighs)" "Do you know how scary it is to get a text that say your baby brother is caught in a mall shooting?" "Probably not as scary as being caught in that mall shooting." "I don't think so." "Those bullets missed you, but that text message went straight through my heart." "I can't believe this is real." "Jerrod, tell me what happened." "Uh, I heard gunshots, I hid behind a kiosk, and other people started running and I ran, too." "I know it sounds scary, but I'm fine, I'm safe." "God, this is crazy." "Okay, well, let me, let me take care of you." "You need to relax, I will make you some ginger tea and then we can, we can talk all about it." "Maxine, you don't have to make me any tea." "And really, there's nothing to talk about." "I've already told you everything." "Well, I'll take some tea, Maxine." "I got a lot to talk about." "(sighs)" "Look, Jerrod, I know I don't express myself often." "You do nothing but express yourself." "Well, I'm about to do it even more right now, okay?" "You mean everything to me, brother." "No, no, hey, look at me." "Look in my eyes." " All right." " Be in this moment." "All right." "Everything." "Bobby, you're making being alive less enjoyable." "Look, man, when I got the news, I was really nervous." "Shoot." "I took three Vicodin." "Bobby, where are you getting this Vicodin?" "Okay, let's not get overly" " CYNTHIA:" "My baby!" " dramatic." "Oh, my God." "(shouting)" "The Angel of Death tried to take my son, but my God said "Not today"!" "Your life was spared." "Oh, the blessings of Abraham are upon you." "Ma, Ma." "Oh." "Your father called and said, "Our son is at the mall." "There's been a shooting."" "But he started cutting out before he could tell me which son." "Then my mind started playing Sophie's Choice." "And I said to myself," "I said, "Lord, if I've got to lose one of my sons, please, let it be..." Oh!" "Bobby." "I didn't see you standing there." "Wait, Mama, can you finish that sentence?" "JERROD:" "But, Ma, don't worry, I'm fine." "No, no, you are not." "But you will be, because I'm here." "I mean, in a time of distress, a mother is a son's Red Cross." "And I got you your favorite snacks:" "Dunk-a-Roos and Strawberry Nesquik." "Ma, these are great, if I were in a mass shooting in the fifth grade." "Now, look, I appreciate everyone's overreaction here, but you guys can go, I'm fine." "How dare you almost run out there and get yourself killed." " Come here, boy." " Okay, Dad," "All right." "Do you have any idea how hard life can be for a grieving parent?" "We'd have to light candles, dedicate ourselves to anti-gun causes, start a foundation, speak to community leaders, try and get a Jerrod law passed." "You almost ruined our lives." "Just thinking about living the rest of my life without my one and only..." "Oh, hey, Bobby." "I didn't see you standing there." "How are y'all not seeing me?" "Is it the camouflage?" "Here you go, Jerrod, there's your Nesquik." "Thanks, Ma." "Can I have some?" "I'm sorry, what mass shooting were you in?" "All right, Jerrod." "I'm gonna draw you a nice, warm bath." "Uh, Maxine, where y'all keep y'all Epsom salts?" "Yeah, you're not gonna bathe your adult son in my apartment." "Oh." "Eh." "Jerrod what were you thinking, going to a mall at 2:30 on a Saturday like some damn hero?" "You know good and well that's ISIS happy hour." "But Joe, Joe, you don't know who did this." "Oh, come on, Maxine." "You know there's only three options for any random mass shooting." "ISIS, racist white," "Asian pushed to the brink by his tiger mom." "That's why I didn't push you boys in school." "A "D" is still a passing grade." "But, but see, he should've known better." "Wait, are you really blaming Jerrod for just going to the mall?" "Well, who we supposed to blame?" "The shooter?" "The NRA?" "The Republicans for blocking sensible gun legislation time and time again?" "Those all sound like valid places to start placing blame." "Oh, pishposh, Maxine." "Jerrod rolled the dice and he almost got himself massacred." "Okay." "It was just a random thing." "Let's not put any more onto this." "Yeah, hold up for a second." "Something just came to me." "I texted Jerrod yesterday to see if he wanted to hang out." "He never texted me back." "But what if he did?" "I would've been at that mall, too." "That's crazy, right?" "I could have been dead." "Bobby, that's not that crazy." "I rarely text you back." "But what if you did?" "Well, he's got a point now." "If Jerrod would have thought you'd have been more fun to hang out with, you could be dead." "You're right, Bobby, that's scary." "Go ahead, make yourself some Nesquik." "JERROD:" "Oh, no, no." "Don't." "Don't encourage him to be the victim." "You know, for every person who actually experiences a tragedy, he's got seven distant cousins trying to make it about them on Facebook." "Hey, Bobby, I understand what you're going through, but we need to remember that Jerrod is the victim here." "No, no, no, no." "I am not a victim." "In fact, I'm the opposite of a victim." "I'm a guy who was lucky enough to make it out." "No, Jerrod, there's nothing wrong with accepting the fact that you might be a victim." "It is the first step in processing what happened and accepting that you might need some help from the people who love you." "Well, know, Jerrod, that I am your mother and I love you more than any of these people." "Well, I don't know, Mama." "Jerrod is getting a lot of love on Instagram." "Damn it, Bobby, you posted this?" "BOBBY:" "Of course I did." "Near-death experiences..." "(blows raspberry) get you the most likes on social media." "Look, I know being a victim is real sexy right now, all right?" "But I don't want to be one of those guys who posts every sad thing about them on Instagram just to see how many people care." "Ninety-three." "93 people care about you, Jerrod." "(laughs) Oh, wait a minute." "Now it's down to 92." "Who would un-like somebody that survived a shooting?" "Just untag me, Bobby." "I don't want to be defined by this." "I don't want my whole identity to be" ""guy who survived the mall shooting."" "Man, Jerrod, you get all the breaks." "They just handed you an identity." "I've been trying to find my identity for 32 years." "Bobby, you have an identity." "You are the guy with the cool hats." "I know everybody say that when they see you." "They say, "Here come Bobby." "He got the best hats."" "But is that enough, Mama?" "No, it is not, son." "I heard somebody saw their first shooting today." "Nekeisha, let's not make a big deal about this, okay?" "It is a big deal." "You got your shootout cherry popped." "Now, the first time is scary." "I remember I was all afraid, thinking," ""Oh, my God, this could be my last moment."" "But, now when I hear gunshots," "I'm like "Ooh, somebody mad."" "Look at it this way, son:" "this might be good for you." "Really?" "Well, don't get me wrong." "This mall shooting will haunt you all the days of your life." "I'm, I'm sorry, "haunt me"?" "Well, yeah, but I mean, that might be a good thing." "We all need to be haunted a little bit." "It builds character." "That's what makes you a man." "I had an abusive, alcoholic father." "That haunts me every night." "That's my thing." "Now you got this, and it's your thing." "Hey, Daddy, can this be my thing, too?" "Hey, Bobby, Bobby." "It's your brother's thing." "Now, some massive tragedy's gonna strike you soon enough." "Just be patient." "That's why I coddled you boys so, because I didn't want you to end up haunted like your father." "Sometimes, at night, when I look out the window, he's just out there, sitting on the lawn, looking up at the moon." "Joe, you know, if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here." "Why would I talk to you when I got the moon?" "You think you wiser than the moon, Maxine?" "All right, you know what?" "Everybody, let's go." "I think this is over." " Just..." " Wait, wait a minute, Jerrod." "I-Is that blood?" "Wait, oh, my God, you were close enough to the shooting to get blood on you?" "Is that true?" "Okay, you know what?" "If you guys won't leave, then I guess I will." "Congratulations on kicking a man out of his own apartment, especially on a day when all he really needed was to be alone." "I don't know where he going;" "the moon don't come out till 7:42." "Jerrod." "Look, I know that this isn't easy, but... you need to deal with this." "I am." "I'm trying to get this stain out." "Okay, stop." "It's okay to open up." "I'm here for you, whatever you need." "Thanks, Maxine." "(laughs softly)" "Whoa." "Oh, okay." "Um, what's going, what's going on?" "Hey, hey, hey, let's do it in the laundry room." "You know that's always been one of our fantasies." "What, that is so not true." "Um, someone could see us, that's a glass door." "You... there's someone's blood on your sweatshirt." "No, you're using the wrong tone." "Someone could see us." "There's a glass door, and I got someone's blood on my sweatshirt." "Okay, Jerrod, stop." "You can't use sex to hide your feelings." "Now, why won't you be honest with us about what you saw?" "Oh, hey, guys." "Oh, Jerrod." "I'm so glad I ran into you." "I saw your brother's post about what you went through at the mall." "No, no, I'm..." "I'm fine, Monica." "Really, I'm fine." "Listen, I just want to tell you something." "I know exactly what you're going through." "I survived the biggest attack that ever hit American soil." "9/11." " Oh, my God." " Oh, Monica," "I had no idea you were near Ground Zero." "Well, no." "Not..." "Not quite." "But I was living in Queens at the time." "Oh, well, Queens is a pretty safe distance away from where the towers were, right?" "Well, you'd be surprised." "New York is a small city." "Is it?" "You know, at times like this, people want to support you and-and make sure that you're okay, but it's important that you know you are not a victim." "Thank you." "Thank you very much, Monica." "I've been trying to tell my family that all day," " but no one will listen." " No, you're not a victim." "You're a survivor, like me." "Stay strong." "You know, take care of you." "Take care of your mind." "Take care of your spirit." "Take care of the earth." "Take care of the..." "Ah, see, I'm forgetting something." "Did I say spirit?" " Yeah." " Okay, then." "There you are, Jerrod." "There's a cop upstairs looking for you." "What?" "What are you talking about?" "Look, they saw my Facebook post, and they're questioning, like, witnesses of the crime." "Damn it, Bobby." "Hey, Monica." "How you been holding up since 9/11?" "Oh, you know, I count each breath as a gift." "Never forget." "All right, come on, Bobby." "The Jerrod you knew is gone." "A new flower has emerged." " Okay." " Okay, all right." "I know your job is to protect and serve, but it's hard not to feel a little nervous when you in the room." "You're not a suspect of any crime, sir." "There's no reason to feel nervous." "I'm just here to talk to your son." "Well, I feel like we should put our hands up." "Joe, should we put our hands up?" "Honey, that's a good idea." "As a safety precaution, Officer, we are now lifting our hands up into the air." "No sudden movements now." "We got to treat these officers like bears." "I'm taping this, just so you know." "If you shoot anyone, you probably will keep your job, but it's gonna be a rough couple of weeks." "You're, obviously, free to do what you want, but that is extremely unnecessary." "We are here with Officer G. Zimmerman." "It-It's Greg." "There's no relation." "It's, it's a common last name." "We're here with George Zimmerman's brother, Greg." "Whoa, what's going on in here?" "Do we have to have our hands up?" "No, you'll be fine, Maxine." "Somebody shoot Maxine, they'll close the whole police station." "There's no reason to raise your hands." "I'm just here to ask a couple questions." "Are you Jerrod Carmichael?" " Yes." " Here, uh, listen." "I'm sure you've had a-a tough day, but any information you have could help us put the pieces of what happened together." "I mean, do you mind describing what you saw at the mall earlier?" "Uh, yeah, I-I heard gunshots, then I ran and hid behind a kiosk, and then, uh, I ran out of the mall." "Sir, I-I'm going to need you to be as specific as possible." "Could you start with where you were standing when you heard the gunshots?" "Uh, okay." "Um, yeah." "I was, I was in line waiting to get a pretzel, and I was behind this guy and his girlfriend, and they were taking a while." "They didn't know what they wanted, and so he turned and looked at me and was like," ""Oh, this looks like a man who knows exactly what he wants."" "And he let me cut in front of him, and, uh, and that's when I heard the first shots." "They..." "I don't know where they were coming from." "They sounded really close, and so I ran and I hid behind the kiosk." "And then, like, more shots came, and I was trying to find the gunman, but I-I couldn't tell where he was." "It was, like, just a lot of chaos." "And so then I looked and I saw the-the guy who let me in front of him." "Um, he'd been shot." "And his girlfriend was just standing over him, like, in shock." "It's like, she looked really confused." "And then everybody just ran out." "(Bobby sighs)" "So if it wasn't for that dude letting you cut in line, you would have been standing exactly where he got shot at?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I guess so." "I-I don't know if he lived or died." "(sighs) Jerrod." "Oh, my baby." "Officer, we are going to take approximately seven to eight steps toward our son in order to hug him." "Uh... (clears throat)" "Listen, uh..." "Sir, you-you've clearly been through a lot." "I'm-I'm gonna leave, but if you don't mind," "I might need, uh, to contact you for more questioning." "Yeah, that's fine." "Okay, well, uh, you all take care." "I'm gonna follow him down to the car." "We're not letting no more Zimmermans get away." "Oh, God, Jerrod, I'm so sorry you saw all that." "But at least now you can admit that you were affected by this shooting." "Yeah, no, you're right, Maxine." "(sighs) I am a victim." "Well, saying that's a good thing." "Acknowledging the reality of your feelings is incredibly hard, but it's the first step to healing." "How is that possibly a good thing?" "I mean, all that proves is that I have no control over my life whatsoever." "It just proves that life is this endless cycle of death." "It just proves that one moment you can be standing in line, trying to get a salted pretzel, and the next you're choking on your own blood." "Why feel anything?" "Does anything matter?" "Ooh, look at the time." "It's almost 6:30." "We better get on home." "CYNTHIA:" "Jerrod, you are asking the most profound questions a man can ask." "About life." "About meaning." "And, well... your father's right, we'd better get out of here." "Come on." "We love you." "Ooh, it got dark in here quick." " Didn't it, Cynthia?" " Oh, yeah." "Maxine got a lot of pieces to put together." "I'll tell you that." "You're not gonna eat these Dunk-a-Roos, are you?" "Um, uh, y-you want some space?" "Nah, come sit with me." "(sighs)" "Maxine, are you trying to have sex right now?" "(chuckles)" "There's just something about seeing you so vulnerable and emotional." "You think you could cry during...?" "Okay, Maxine, you are sick." "If you promise to cry, we can do it in the laundry room." "(door closes)" "Did they name the shooter yet?" "Yeah, it's a 29-year-old woman born and raised in the United States." "A woman shooter." "Does that count as progress, Maxine?" "No, Cynthia, this is not progress." "I don't know." "After Hillary, I think we should take every win we can get." "(laughing)" "What?" "What?" "Jerrod, you almost got shot by a girl." "(laughing)" "How could she hold a gun 'cause she was holding all them shopping bags?" "All right." "I'm gonna go stare at the moon." "(laughing)"