"[upbeat string music] [door opens]" " Oh, hi, Scotty." " Mom!" "My heretofore unseen brother Sammy." "I'm so glad you guys could visit me on set today." " We love visiting you on your birthday, Scotty, but since we forgot about it this year we thought four months later would be just as good." " Say, I wanted to ask you a question." " Have you ever heard of a little thing called the lottery?" "Basically, if you buy one ticket, the odds are stacked against you, but if you buy, like, $10,000 worth, you're bound to win!" " Okay, Sammy" " That reminds me." "My church is having a fundraiser later on this week." "I could use some money too." "Like, $10,000 to buy a new dress for the event." " Guys, guys, do you realize every single time you come to visit me you ask for money?" "I mean, I'm starting to think that that's why you visit me." " It is!" "See, Mom?" "I told you he'd catch on." " Oh, Scotty, you're so smart." "But can we have the money?" " No!" "Look, I'm sorry, but I'm cutting you off." "I hope you realize it's because I love you." "I would never do anything to hurt family." " Then why did you throw your own sister in the slammer?" "both:" "Cracker!" " Cracker?" "When did you get out of jail?" " This morning, and I want what's mine." "I want to be an executive producer." " An executive producer?" "Cracker, come on." " You owe me." "You testified against me and I ended up in jail." " That's because you stole thousands of dollars from me." " Do you even know what jail is like, Scott?" "Every night, I have to sleep behind bars 'cause they don't trust us not to escape." " Okay, fine, fine." "You can be executive producer, but don't expect any creative input." "You're a Dave Kneebone and nothing more." " Deal, and if I'm producer, I should be treated as such." "You, feed me grapes by hand." "You, carry me to them damn grapes." " Cracker, that's our best camera operator and our worst PA." " Iron bars, Scott?" " Fine." " [slurping] [door opens]" " Excuse me." "Do any of you know the whereabouts of one Cracker Aukerman?" "She escaped from prison today." " [gasps]" " Why, no, I've never heard of her." " Okay, but I should mention that there is a $10,000 reward for any information leading to her arrest." " Did you say ten grand?" " No." "I said $10,000, but they mean the same thing." "♪ ♪ [door closes] [cash registers chime]" " Come on, guys, I can see the dollar signs in your eyes." " ♪ "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" ♪ It's "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!"" "Tonight's guests, Ben Folds." "♪ "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" ♪" "World traveler Martin Moreland." "And a new episode of "Sporty 4:40."" "Featuring me, "Weird Al" Yankovic." "And your host, Scott Aukerman." "♪ "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" ♪" "♪ Mm-hmm ♪" " Hey there, welcome to "Comedy Bang!" "Bang!"" "We have a great show tonight." "Musician Ben Folds is here as well as adventurer Martin Moreland." "I'm Scott Aukerman, and you know, if there's one thing I've always said, it's "Hey there, welcome to 'Comedy Bang!" "Bang!" "'" ""We have a great show tonight." ""Musician Ben Folds is here" ""as well as adventurer Martin Moreland." "I'm Scott Aukerman."" "All right, well, let's say hello to our good friend "Weird Al" Yankovic." " ♪ I said a-dingaling dingaling dingaling-dong ♪" "♪ A-dingaling dong a-dangaly-dong ♪" "♪ A-dingaly dingaly dingaly dingaly-dong ♪" "♪ A-dong fresh ♪" " That is fresh, certified fresh." " So Al, you got any big plans this weekend?" " No big plans, Scott, though I do have some small plans." " Small plans?" " Ah, yes." "On Friday night," "I'll be watching exactly one half-hour TV show." " Oh, that sounds fun." " And on Saturday afternoon," "I'll be washing two dirty dishes in the sink." " Only two?" " Uh-huh." "And on Saturday night," "I'll be drinking three-quarters of a cup of lemonade." " And on Sunday morning, I'll be flying out to Rio de Janiero, and playing a concert for 20,000 to 30,000 people." " Oh, actually, Al, that sounds like big plans." " Yeah, it may sound that way, Scott, but the plane I'm taking is only this big." " Really?" "How are you gonna fit in a plane that size?" " I haven't really thought too much about it, but I'll probably have to hunch over." " Oh, no, Al, I don't think you're gonna fit in a plane that small." " Well, I'll probably just blow the whole thing off and spend my Sunday drinking that last quarter cup of lemonade." " All right, well, you'll have to let us know how it turns out." " Maybe I will and maybe I won't." "[dark music]" " All right, Al." " Scott!" "I want to take a nap." " So what's stopping you?" " You know I can't fall asleep unless someone sings to me." "You, sing for me." " ♪ Tra la la ♪" " Now autotune it." " [autotuned] ♪ Tra la la ♪" " Perfect." "You'll sing me to sleep." "Here's your singing costume." " Why was I cursed with the voice of an angel?" " I'm not paying you to talk." "I'm paying you to sing, you hear, fool?" "[snaps]" " [autotuned] ♪ Tra la tra loo ♪" "♪ Tra la la la la la ♪" " Hey, Scott, you know I was just thinking what a shame it would be if Cracker were to be turned in to the police over a little bit of money." " Wait a minute, I see what you're doing." "Cracker is family and family needs to stick together." " Sorry, honey." "I need that dress." " All right, fine, I'll give you each $10,000." "Just don't turn in Cracker." "She already went to jail for me once." "I can't let it happen again." "[cash register chimes]" "All right, well, let's get to our first guest." "Hey, do you like birds?" "Well, our first guest is a real songbird." "I'm sorry if I got you excited." "I'm not actually interviewing a bird." "Please welcome Ben Folds." " ♪ Who is the coolest guy we know ♪" " Hi." " ♪ Ben Folds ♪" " Thanks for coming." "Please, have a seat." " ♪ What is he doing on this show ♪" "♪ Ben Folds ♪" " Interesting song, Al." "You raise the question, what is he doing on this show?" "What are you doing on this show?" " I was standing behind that wall and you were talking about birds." " So you were just standing behind the wall?" "You had no plans to be on the show at all?" " Uh, no." " Ben, thank you so much for being here." " I'm--I'm glad to be here." " So now, Ben, as a musician, are you ever looking at a piece of sheet music and you go," ""You know what, this sheet music is actually more like shit music,"" "and then you crumple it up and you throw it over your shoulder?" " Never talked about this before." "The toilet paper at my house is actually staff paper." "I use music paper to..." " It has the five lines?" " Wipe my ass with, yeah." " Really?" " And then I put it on the piano and just play whatever happened." " That's amazing." "So all of your songs" " I literally shit them out." " Wow." " Yeah." " [giggles]" " So as a big fan of your music, obviously I can't wait for a new album." " Well, you know, this time it's gonna be quite a wait, Scott." "I mean, I've put music on the back burner for a while for my new business." "Ben Folds and Puts Away." " Okay, how's it work?" " Well, let me demonstrate." "Do you have any laundry around?" " Um, yeah, I mean, I happen to have this laundry, but I just cleaned it and I folded it already." " Awesome." "Okay, so you have a bunch of clean clothes like this." "They're unfolded." " Of course they're unfolded." "Okay, they're unfolded now, I guess." " And then you, uh, call me up." "Then you call me up." " Oh, you--you want me to--oh, okay." "Um... [beeping, receiver trills]" "Bring bring, bring bring, bring bring" " Ben Folds and Puts Away." "Ben speaking." "Do you have any laundry you needed folded?" " Yes." " I'll be right there." "And then I get in my car." "[engine turns over]" "And I drive." "[engine revs]" "Okay, and then I have to park." "[car beeps]" " Oh, no, actually Ben, you don't have to parallel park." "You can just park in my driveway." " Awesome." " Great." "[engine revs] [tires squeal]" "And then I get out of the car, and uh, I knock on your door." "[tongue clicks] [knocking on door] [door opens]" " Creak." " Hey, it's Ben Folds from Ben Folds and Puts Away." "Do you have some clean clothes you needed folded?" " Sure, come on in." "They're right here on the floor." " Oh!" "Okay, so I just take something like that, fold it, you know, done, perfect." " We--wait, you actually didn't fold and put away any of the laundry." " Please, bitch, I'm off the clock." " All right, well, do you mind handing me the basket?" "Thanks." "Piece of shit." "[sighs]" "So Ben, I noticed, on one of my periodic browsings of Wikipedia, that you went to the University of Miami on a percussion scholarship, but you didn't graduate?" " It's true, Scott." "I left school one credit short." " Really?" " Mm." " Well, how would you like to earn that credit right now?" " Professor Blanyers, my college music teacher." " Benjamin, I've been looking over your transcripts, and in order to receive your one remaining credit in percussion studies, all you need to do is hit that cymbal." " Awesome, just one cymbal hit?" "I can do that now." " Mr. Folds, you're now a college graduate." " [laughs] Congratulations, Ben!" " Thanks, Scott." "I can't believe this finally happened." "And thank you, Professor" "Professor?" " Benjamin, as you can see, I died years ago, and I have been cursed to walk this world until you'd graduated, and now that you have I can finally rest." "Rest in Hell!" "Oh!" "[dramatic choral music]" " Ben, your college professor is in Hell?" " Well, I mean, you think he wants to be rocking out in Heaven with all the dweebs?" "Nah, Hell is where the good music's at." " Even The Big Bopper?" " Especially The Big Bopper." "[bell rings]" " Hello, baby." " So Ben, I think there's a little rumor we need to address." " That's fine." "My life is an open book." " I'm glad to hear it." "All right, then." "So Ben, what do you say to the rumor that you possess no musical aptitude whatsoever and in fact, you have a magical hat that gives you the ability to sing and play piano?" " I'd say that's crazy." " Is it?" "Well then, take a look at this photo." " That's just me wearing some kooky hat." " Well, what about this photo?" " Okay, well, sometimes you like to wear a funky fedora." " Maybe that could be so." "Then take a look at this photo." " I'm not even wearing a hat in that photo." " Exactly." "Now take a look at the photo of the crowd." " [sighs] You got me." "It's true, Scott." "History's greatest singers have all worn magical hats." "Me, Pharrell, Carmen Miranda, Slash." "Abraham Lincoln." "We call ourselves The Chiller Hat Crew." "Please, don't tell anyone, Scott." " Ben, I'm not gonna tell anyone, but you just said it on my show." "I mean, everyone who watches is gonna know now." " All 200 people that watch this show are gonna know." "[laughs]" "Shhh!" " Okay, well, you don't have to be a jerk about it." " Oh, well, you know, come on." " I don't have to sit here and take this shit." " Will you-  (bleep) you!" "[scattering feet]" " We'll be right back." "Oh, I got to go right now!" "[scattering feet]" "♪ ♪" " Scotty, how do you like my new dress?" " Wait, that cost $10,000?" " All I need is shoes to match." "Can I have another 10,000?" " Guys, what do I look like, an ATM?" " An altruistic tall man?" "Yes, you do." " [laughs] Of course, we could get the money another way." " All right, all right, I'll give you the money." "God." "I know you're supposed to love your family but unlike Lynn Johnston's clan they do not make it easy, right, Ben?" " Exactly." " So it's all about this guy, Big Brother, right, and it's set in 1984." "Very Orwellian." " Hey, welcome back." "We're here with Ben Folds." "All right, let's watch a video." "narrator: "Sporty 4:40."" " For as long as I could remember," "I wanted to be a boxer." "There was just one problem." "I had zero talent." " I did everything I could with him." "Every time he stepped in the ring, he'd end up flat on his back, sometimes no punches thrown." "And it took a toll on his personal life." " I was ugly as a rock." " Lou didn't have any luck with the ladies." "narrator:" "Six months after his last sexual liaison," "Lou was set to face the heavyweight champion of the world:" "Handsome Tony Kasdan." " It was supposed to be a cream job." "Most of the gambling centered on betting if Lou would die in the ring." "narrator:" "But then a miraculous turn." " Lou is taking it to Handsome Tony." "A left and a right." "He's decimating him, folks." " Bang, boom, pow!" "I knocked out the champ." " Everybody knows boxers aren't supposed to have sex before a fight." "But when Lou took down Handsome Tony," "I started to get curious." "narrator:" "As it turned out, every fight in recorded history to that point had been won by the boxer who hadn't had sex in a longer period of time." " Now to us it seems obvious, but this was a revelation." "It changed Canzoneri's career." " I told Lou, as long as you remain abstinent, you're gonna keep winning, so don't have sex." " Hey, not a problem for me!" " Canzoneri really looks good tonight." "Fresh legs, focused mind, testicles seemingly full of sperm, and now there's a left and a right." "Canzoneri with a knockout." " Canzoneri has risen from obscurity all the way to the top of the food chain." "How is this ugly guy doing this?" "narrator:" "But along with Canzoneri's boxing success would come unexpected temptations." " It's kind of a paradox, really." "Win, ladies love you." "Lou was flirting with disaster." " I needed to work hard to stop having sex." "Morty started training me seven days a week." " All right, you ready?" "Hey, h" " No thank you." " How about a little" " No thank you." " Okay, I got close to you." "I got close." " Nooo thank you!" " Yeah!" "All right." "Hit the showers, champion." "That's good." " I found out later these training sessions caused Morty to temporarily fall in love with me." " Well, the heart wants what it can't have, I suppose." " At this point, the secret to Canzoneri's success" " By the time I fought again, I hadn't had sex in a year." "I figured that would be enough time." "But..." " They found a priest who hadn't had sex his whole life." "Lou's eight months couldn't compete." "[blow landing, body thumping]" " Can you believe it?" "[bell ringing]" "He knocked me out cold in the first round." "narrator:" "The secret to boxing success was finally public." " I mean, it just--it just started to unravel." "Boxing began to change." "Eunuchs, little kids, old guys with erectile dysfunction, they began to dominate the world of boxing." "They were the new champions." " That's when I knew it was time to hang up the gloves." "I retired from the sport, started having sex again, and left the boxing to the virgins." " And as we know today, every professional boxer is a big-time virgin." "Floyd Mayweather Jr." "Manny Pacquiao, Vladimir Klitschko." "Virgins." "But they have to be, because it's the only way to keep the sport fair." "narrator:" "Interestingly enough, that the most successful people in any job were also virgins." " Wait, Al, what was that at the end?" " We'll be right back." "♪ ♪" "♪ ♪" " All right, let's get to our next guest." "He just completed a solo trip around the world." "Please welcome Martin Moreland." "Hi, Martin." "So nice to meet you." " Hi, nice to meet you." " This is Ben." " Nice to meet you." " Oh." " ♪ Ha ha ha ♪" " Very nice, Al." "Thank you so much for that." "Fantastic." "So, Martin, so nice to meet you." "I am so fascinated with explorers and adventurers." "This sounds like a dream." "How long did it take you to get around the world?" " Uh, took me a little over seven years." " Seven years?" " About ten years." "It took me ten years." " That's not a little bit above seven years." " I guess I misspoke when I said seven." " Yeah, why would it take you so long?" "I mean, sailing around the world, it just takes three months or so." " Ooh, uh, so I didn't technically sail around the world." "I actually rode on the back of a tortoise." " You rode on the back of a tortoise?" " Yes, because I wanted to travel by land and water in a straight line." " Really?" " Yeah." "But here's something I figured out." "Those little (bleep) move slowly." " Okay, are you upset at the tortoises?" "Are you upset at the situation?" "Why are you cursing?" " Let's just say, they're not fast little (bleep)." " You didn't know tortoises were slow?" " Well, I found out just how slow those little "(bleep)" were." " Okay, I still don't know why you're calling them that." " They're not fast." " Okay, thank you." " They're (bleep)." " All right, all right, curtail the language." " Sorry." "You can bleep that." " But we don't have a lot of money for bleeps." " Yikes." " So you didn't know tortoises were slow, so you got on one, and then you went around the world and it took you ten years?" " Actually, uh, I did spend four years in Brazil." " What were you doing there?" " What can I say?" "I love da beach." " Okay." " A lot of my friends call me a sand person." "[grunting]" ""Star Wars" joke." "[slot machine chimes]" " Oh, "Star Wars" reference." "Okay." "What was that you just did?" " Jackpot." "[slot machine chimes]" " Can you explain the rules of jackpot to me?" " Yeah, off the air." " Oh, is it--okay." "So you were in Brazil for four years but the other six was on the tortoise going around the world?" " Uh, not quite." "I stopped for about two years in Indonesia." " Indonesia?" " I got an associate's degree." "It was actually an online degree, so I could have done it from anywhere, but they have the highest internet speeds." "You'd be surprised." " Okay, so what did you get your degree in?" " Personal criticism." " Personal criticism?" "I've never heard of that kind of degree." " Hey, is your neck chewing some really ugly gum?" "'Cause it just spit up a nasty bubble." "Jackpot." "[slot machine chimes]" " Okay." " Nice sweater, asshole." "Jackpot." "[slot machine chimes]" " I don't" " Fortune cookie says, "You suck." Jackpot." "[slot machine chimes]" " I guess you're good at it, but quite honestly that was very insulting." "[slot machine chimes]" "Okay, so you spent some time in Indonesia." " Yeah." " That's why it took you so long to go around the world." " Actually, every single time we would stop in a town that had electrical outlets," "I would recharge my portable DVD player to watch the three things that I brought with me." " What did you bring with you?" " I brought "Cast Away," "Captain Phillips,"" "and the entire series of "Bosom Buddies."" " Okay, so you're a Tom Hanks fan." " You ever seen "Bosom Buddies"?" " Yeah, I mean, a few episodes, sure." " Tom Hanks with titties?" "Yes, please." "[laughs]" " So why would you bring "Cast Away"" "when you're living "Cast Away," basically, the entire time?" " To be present." " You're not present if you're watching a movie of someone else doing it." " What?" " Okay, so you finally made it back here." " Yeah." " Just a few days ago." " Yeah." " That's fantastic." "Congratulations." " Sadly, my tortoise did not make it to the end of the journey." " Oh, no." " Right before the end," "I was incredibly hungry and I cooked and ate it." " You ate your turtle?" " Yeah, I mean, look at it, the thing looks like a bowl of soup." "A turtle's basically just a walking bowl of soup." " How far away from the end were you?" " We were mere feet away." " Why?" "Why wouldn't you cross the finish line with your tortoise, then order anything else from any restaurant?" " But I wanted turtle soup." " All right, you're insane." "We'll be right back." "Jackpot." "♪ ♪" " Hey, welcome back." "We're here with Ben Folds and Martin Moreland." " Damn it, Mike, I told you sapphire." "That's cranberry, you him-bo." " Whatever happened to good old-fashioned red?" " All right, everybody freeze." "Cracker Whitey Aukerman." "You are under arrest." "[all gasp]" " Scott, he's doing to me what a casting director did to Christian Slater in the '90s!" "Putting me in cuffs!" " Let's go, lady." " Fine." "You, carry me to jail." "[fabric creaks]" " Wait!" "If you're gonna take Cracker, take my mom and my brother, too." "They've been harboring an escaped fugitive and they have to be punished." " Will you testify to that in a court of law?" " If you grant me immunity." " You bet your flat ass I will." "Let's go." " You know what, guys?" "I learned something tonight." "I learned your family isn't necessarily the people that are related to you." "No, it's the people around you who support you every day because it's their job." "People like Al here, my subordinate." "And the crew." " [sniffs]" " Three cheers for Mr. Aukerman." "Hip hip..." "Hip hip..." "Hip hip..." " Really, no one?" " Let's go." " ♪ It's like ♪" "♪ A family ♪" " The wolf dead." " Absolutely."