"They're back." "How was Puerto Rico?" "Was it so romantic?" " It really was." " Really was." "I'm so happy for you." "Puerto Rico was awesome." "My gosh, the honeymoon was great." "We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny." "We hung out with them a lot." "Frank and Beans." "Always makes her laugh." "Frank and Beans." "Is there someone there?" "Who is there?" "I hear voices, is somebody there?" "Is someone here?" "I can't see you." "Because I'm blind." "It's Jim and Pam." "It is?" "They're back?" "I haven't seen you since my... accident that I had when I fell..." "I fell into the pool of acid, eyes-first." "Blind guy." "Blind guy McSqueezy." "How do I describe it?" "It is a character I've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble." "The women in my improv class absolutely hate him." "So what'd you bring us?" "Some candy." " What else?" " That's it." "'Cause you spent so much on the wedding." "It's good to be home." " Feygnasse Team " ".:" "La Fabrique :." "Collioure" "Jarick loky" "Sk0r yomoy The Ni.Knight" "Episode 6x06 The Lover" "This conversation has two items on the agenda." "Do we have a conversation scheduled?" "Number one, do not leave your things on my desk." "It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you." "I don't care how high they promote you." "Which brings me to item number two." "I never formally congratulated you on your promotion." "So I'd just like to say..." ""con-quack-ulations."" "That's... really thoughtful of you, thank you." "You're welcome." "I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard." "Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim." "Just like in the Bavarian fairy tale." "Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive." "And of course in this version, you lose the critique of the kaiser." "I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years." " It's a real handsome duck." " Mallard." "I'll get out of your hair." "We brought back some Puerto Rican candy." "Coco Leche." "That's my favorite." "I'll leave it here so everyone can enjoy it." "Let me just check with Michael." "I think it'll be okay." "I think it will too, but I'll just check with him, though." "Great." "Sorry." "I have recently taken a lover." "That's great." "Congratulations." " Who's the lucky lady?" " Pam's mom." "What?" "Pam's mom Helene." "Remember from your wedding?" " You're messing with me." " About what?" "You did not have sex with Pam's mom." "Big time." " What car does she drive?" " She drives a green Camry." "And the seats go all the way down." "All the way down." "What?" "Never tell Pam." " And secondly..." " Good, a pact." "Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner." "You all right?" "Not now, Toby, my God!" " Get the hell out of here, idiot." " What did I do?" "As far as dinner tonight..." "cancel that." "And please, for both of our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again." "I think you're underestimating Pam." "I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy." "Not more than anything." " I have a good thing with the mom..." " Don't call her "the mom."" " She's on my way home from work." " Then take a different way home!" "I'll take surface streets." "The last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam." "So we're good." "Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?" "Is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back?" "Sure." "Thanks for asking." "We're all set." "Yum." "Frank and Beans." "Frank and Beans." "So what'd we decide for Michael?" "The bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock?" "You know what?" "Can I have the weekend to decide?" "Bottle of rum it is." "All right." "Shall we?" "I am really slammed trying to catch up on everything here." "And I know that Michael's slammed too." "So maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy." "Come on, it'll take two seconds." "That is amazing." "I feel like a real Puerto rican." "You're all set at Botticelli's." "I changed the reservation." "Erin, look." "Fun." "Botticelli's, that sounds like a special occasion." "No, it's nobody." "I think Michael has a date." " I think you have a date." " I don't." " Come on." " I think we should just drop it." "'cause obviously he doesn't want to talk about it." " I don't deserve this." " Yes, you do." " No, I don't." " Just take the parrot." " Back to the old grind." " I was gonna break up with her." "That's too bad." "It is very complicated." "There are a lot of moving parts here." "Sounds complicated." "If you really like this person, then you should see where it goes." " You want me to be happy?" " Of course." "Part of the problem is she is the mother of a close friend of mine." "More than a friend." "A coworker." "Gossip." "Who is it?" "Who is it?" "Who is it, Michael?" "Who?" "It's okay." "That could've gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset." "You seem tense." "You want me to give you the chills?" "There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down" " The yolk is running down" " Feels good." "There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down" "I'm sleeping with Pam's mom." "Sometimes dinner." "The blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down" "I really would've appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers." "I would've introduced you to mine." "How could you do this to me?" "He's my boss!" "How many times have I complained about him to you?" "No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!" "Who wants a hot chocolate?" "So Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it." "I think if I played it just right," "I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure." "You need to be more upset about this." "She's your mother too now." "Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott." "Andy, can I talk to you?" "Sure thing, tuna boss." "How may I be of service to you?" "I am gonna need your advice." "I was thinking of getting this opera for Dwight's birthday." "What do you think?" "This aria is a joke." "What are you thinking?" " I was gonna go with this one." " If you respect him at all, you will get him something better." "Bernard Dog, what was that all about?" " I know, right?" " What were you talking about?" "Trust me, it would only make you mad." "Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities." "Is this because of the 60 minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?" "That was a hit job." "If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release, it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster." "If there is a lesson to be learned here, and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other peoples' needs ahead of our own." "And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice." "Who wants to help the world one step at a time?" " All right, good." " Volunteerism is important." "Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter, and they need a lot of help down there." "Last Sunday, I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself." "Paint a mural of Chicano leaders." "I have a way to make Scranton a better place." "You could leave it." "Okay, I'm outta here." "See you later, guys." " And stay out." " Promise to write." "Oh, no, here's an idea." "Conservation." "I love it." "Conservation." "Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings." "No more meetings!" "Anybody else?" "Who else has an idea?" "I have ideas about conservation." "Hold down the fort." " Hey, boo." " First of all, I think that..." " Why are you crying?" " Yes, I think we should look into that." "Speak up louder." "Well, our profit and loss..." "No, I'll talk to her." "Nobody talks to my baby that way." "Yeah, I'll let you know how it goes." "All right." "Bye, pickle." "Who's "pickle"?" "Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now." "I'm sorry, I was told I had the floor." " Hold on." "What's going on?" " Nothing." "Nothing at all." "It's all good." "I'm not apologizing to anyone." "Michael owes me an apology." "For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?" "Don't call my mother your lover!" "Oh, yes!" "That's what I'm talking about." "That is not okay, dude." " In my defense..." " Disgusting." " That's messed up, man." " Thanks." "Welcome to my personal hell." " You have no sense of boundaries." " Shut up, Oscar." "Clearly I'm outnumbered here." "But could I just say one thing?" "Please?" "What is so wrong about me?" "I'm caring." "I'm generous." "I'm sensual." "Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness?" "Good luck, Michael." "I hope you find what you're looking for." " Maybe you're right." "Who are we to..." " Shut up, Oscar." "What is wrong with all of you?" "He is sleeping with my mother!" "I don't think there's a lot of sleeping going on." "Let's get back to the matter at hand." "Whatever." "You know." "Sleep with my mom, sleep with everybody's mom." " You're talking about my mom." " I don't like the tone here." "This is a place of business." "You are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and keep your personal issues out of it." " Oh, my god, you are ridiculous!" " Do not talk to me that way!" "I am your boss, and I may someday be your father, so get out." "You are never gonna be my father." "You get out." "I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am." "Me too." "Pam, how's your day going?" "Pam, just for the record, I think you're overreacting a bit." "Your mom's old enough to make her own decisions." "Oh, well, thanks, Oscar." "I was just wondering, how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom?" "My mother's in a wheelchair." "Well, he could still..." "I'm sorry about that." "Could I just get you to sign this second page as well?" "I have to ask you a personal question." " Should I get a fedora?" " I don't think so, no." "Why?" "I think I'd look really hot in one." "Where'd you get your fedora?" "I'd rather not say." "You think I'm gonna get the same fedora as you?" " I think I would look really cute..." " It has to go with the persona." " Where did you get that mallard?" " What the hell is a mallard?" "Oh, Professor Damon D. Duck." "Jim gave him to me." " It was a gift." "I'm taking that back." " If you take it back, I'll scream." " I'll give you 5 bucks for it." " 20." " Ten." " Deal." "You're so cool." "This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas." " Could I talk to you for a minute?" " Yeah, sure." "I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier." "That was uncalled for." "I'm sorry." "That means a lot." "Thank you for saying it." " Can I sit down for a sec?" " Yeah, or pull up a chair and sit." "Or on the shredder." "This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation." "Should probably deal with that outside of the workplace." "She brought it into the workplace, so I feel like it has to be dealt with here." " I could talk to her." " Really?" "Would you do that?" "That's why they pay me the big bucks." "You're a good, good guy." "I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends." "Could I talk to you for a sec?" "Sure." "What's up?" "Well, I was hoping that maybe in light of everything that's happened today, it'd be a good idea for you and me and Michael to head into the conference room for some conflict resolution." "What's the matter, can't fight your own battles?" "I think you should just take the rest of the day off." "Oh, would that make you feel better?" "I can't hear your conversation." "You can tell Michael that I'm not leaving." "Buddy, I think that we can't make her leave, so..." "You're a jackass." "You know what?" "You're just as stubborn as your mother." "When you don't want to do something, you just don't do it." "You're just her rebound!" "You were right, Jim." "Should never have told her." "What?" "You knew?" "Barely." "I..." "I don't have all the facts." "Frank and Beans..." "If I stop dating your mom, are we gonna get past this?" "'cause I will." " Well, that is not gonna happen!" " Then why'd you even offer?" "Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy." "Let me make this very easy for you." "I could give a *** about your happiness!" "Stop dating my mother!" "I'm gonna start dating her even harder." " What's that supposed to mean?" " You know what it means." "Shove it." "I don't need to be friends with Pam." "I have plenty of female friends." "My mom," "Pam's mom, my aunt..." "although she just blocked me on I.M." "What's-her-face from Quiznos." "I see her four times a week." "Dwight, you brought the mallard back." "Well, I had to." "I mean, Kelly was not..." "Hi, buddy." " I'm sorry." " A wooden duck?" "Mallard." "I put it in your office in order to surveil you." "I was jealous that you got the promotion over me." "Just to be clear, you're terrible at this." " You're not equipped for espionage." " Oh, I'm equipped." "I can es..." " Don't tell Michael." " I wont." "But you will wash and buff our car." "Punishment fits the crime." "I accept." "Good night, everyone." "Good night, Pam." "Thanks again for the rum." " Night, Michael." " Good night, Erin." "Can I see you for a second?" "So Dwight heard you were having a really rough day, so he generously offered to wash our car." " He did that for me?" " Yes." "He did." "You know what was nice?" "Night swimming in Bio Bay." "Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?" "Say more nice things." "We went on a Segway tour." " And we're awesome at it." " Yes, we are." "Frank and Beans." "Maybe I'm overreacting." "Maybe." " But I don't think I am." " You're not." "Nope." "Where'd you get that hat?" "I'd rather not say." "We have our high-quality 28-pound bond, our heavier 38-pound bond, or our s..." "I've got eight hours of this." "Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard." "Make him feel safe." "Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard?" "I'm not insane." "65-pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed through your desktop printer."