"Attention, all MASH personnel." "Tonight's War Department film on how to lead a good, clean life has been cancelled due to unusually heavy indifference." "Another day of bed rest." "Oh, yes." "He's coming along splendidly." "I did this one myself." " Quality shows, Frank." " I like to think so." "Try not to move." "You got enough shrapnel in your backside to use it as a doorstop." "Let's watch our language, shall we, McIntyre?" "Frank, I'm sorry about that." "But you know how it is." "War is heck." " What have you got against writing clearly?" " If I could do that, I'd have been a lawyer." "Another day of bed rest, and continue IVs." " How are you this morning, Pierce?" " Not good, but I'll feel better once I desert." " This man's North Korean." " Right, first time." "You better tell the MPs to have him transferred to the POW section." "Time, Frank, time." "We just got this kid outta shock." "He's got multiple lacerations." " Stick him in the clink, he's liable to kick off." " He doesn't look that bad." "Whatever he needs, he can get it at the next stop." "Hold it, Doctor." "What this guy needs is some plasma and some rest." "He doesn't need a ticket for being on the wrong side." "We've got limited bed space." "You know that." "Why not tell them at the front?" "They shoot each other like we've got lots of beds." " Get him out today." " I don't think so." " Don't make me get unpleasant." " I can't improve on nature, Frank." " He goes." " He stays." "I'm sorry, but this time he happens to be right." "I know the guy behaves like an enlistment poster, but this time I gotta back Frank up." "I want one day for that patient." "One day." "You want." "You got a way of making every man here feel as if he's working for you." "Henry, open your middle drawer." "Look, this is notjust another beef against Frank Burns." "We can't turn that kid away." "You're not asking much, are you?" "You only want me to give him one unit of AB negative." "One lousy pint of blood." "Henry, I mean, who'll ever miss it?" "We're talking about AB negative." "If I hand out AB neg to somebody from the other side, and then one of our kids needs it," "General Hammond will give me a tailectomy without a local." "Radar!" "Damn it." "How many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you?" " I don't like to be late." " How can you be late if you come in before I even know I want you?" " Ours is not to question why, sir." " What why?" "What?" " You wanted these transfer orders?" " No, I want the transfer orders." "Those ones, that you've got there in your hand." " What orders?" " You're not transferring the Korean?" "I've got no choice." "We've only got so many beds, and this kid's got one someplace else." " That'll be all, Rad..." " Gimme 24 hours before you ship him out." " No." " One day." "As opposed to 24 hours?" "Henry, you're turning into a regular army clown before our very eyes." "Yeah." "All right, take all the time you want." " You mean it?" " Just get him outta the post-op." " Where do we put him?" " Anywhere." "But I don't want any more static from Burns." "He's a raw nerve." " I agree." " If I didn't know better," "I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag." "No sweat, Henry." "Everything's going to be OK." "Ask him if he's comfortable." "Glucose on this side." "Look, ask him his name." "We can't just treat him like a wounded egg roll." "Wish we had subtitles for this." " He's called Pai." " Welcome to the end of the war, Pai." "Hawkeye." "Here's the personal records you wanted." "This is the entire MASH personnel here, and their blood type." "Terrific." "Take two splints out of petty cash." "Surprising how many of us have blood." "It's not hard if you stay far enough behind the lines." "Try and find somebody with AB neg." " Isn't that the POW?" " That's right." "He's in my c-o-t." "I ordered him shipped out." "Easy." "Henry okayed it." "He's not taking up anybody's space but mine." "Why don't you buzz off, Frank?" "Go review your hypocritical oath." " Trap?" " Hm?" "What do you think?" "Hey." "Good work, Igor." "Very good." "In the morning, he will be one of my brides." "Not so loud, my count." "Oh, Margaret..." "I think we struck dream." "Oh, Frank." "You're so strong." "You're so big and strong." "We don't want to get him too excited." "We might start something we can't finish." " You got enough?" " Almost." "I want to put a head on it." "This guy can sleep through anything." "But then he gets a lot of practice while he's awake." " How are you doin'?" " Full." "One pint even." "Shall we check his oil while we're at it?" "You get him cleaned up." "I'll go get Pai ready." "Good night, darling." "You're the greatest." " Did you get it?" " A full pint." " Is he all right?" " He's fine." "They may have to put starch in his underwear to sit up, but he's OK." "I see you ordered the hunt breakfast." " The hunt breakfast?" "What is it?" " Forget it." "Can I help it if the war gives me an appetite?" " That's an awfully dirty look, so early." " I just wanted to thank you for last night." " You weren't with me last night." " I was speaking for my fantasies." "You never quit, do you?" "Well, in the absence of any real success with you, you have to allow me the odd fantasy or two." "You're having one right now, aren't you?" "Yeah." "Is this a new one or are you undressing me with your eyes again?" "Well, if I did it with my hands, I'd get killed, right?" "Not a bad way to go, really." "What do you say?" "You got a minute?" "I'm trying to make some time with this lieutenant." " He's got a minute." " It's about Pai." " See ya later." " I'm sure you will." "Whether I'm there or not." " What's wrong?" " Severe abdominal pains, nausea, darkened specimen, can't keep anything on his stomach." "Transfusion reaction." " Last night's trip to Transylvania." " Same symptoms as hepatitis." "But it can't be from Frank's blood." "I mean, not that fast." "It might be a new variant." "Stranger things have happened." "If Frank did have it, it'd be a lovely way to get him out of our hair." "What about outta the outfit?" " There he goes." "Typhoid Mary." " Loaded with jaundice juice." "Let's go." "Hey, Frank." " Frank!" " Frank." "Hold it up." " Hey, how do you feel, pal?" " Feel?" "Me?" " What's the gag?" " We're interested in your health." "Oh, come on!" "Frank, listen." "Are you eating all right?" " Do you have any signs of fatigue?" " None." "Why are you?" "Well, my sleep was off a bit last night." "I had this weird dream." "Yeah?" "What was it?" "That I was a soda with a big straw sticking' in me." "You could be coming down with something." "A guy who works as hard as you." "Feel that, feel that." " Huh?" " You guys are starting something." " Frank, don't be paranoid." " I'm paranoid cos everybody's against me." " High pulse rate." " A little disoriented." "Classic signs." "Cut it out." "Hey, Frank, listen." "Why don't you give us a blood sample?" "The lab in Seoul can have the results back in two hours." "I'm fine." "I'm completely fine." "The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood." "Ghouls." "That's a nice thing to call us vampires." "You know, we are gonna have to check him out for his own good." " We can't do another midnight caper." " We got a little left over from last night." "It might be enough." "I think we're gonna have to get something else from Frank to back that up, don't you?" "Definitely." "Frank, old buddy, let's hope you're not too house-broken." " Chossupnita, OK?" " OK." "Frank Burns at six o'clock." "Oh, what do you say, Frank?" " Got a minute?" " I'm not giving you a blood sample." "I'm probably the fittest man in this outfit." "And don't ask me how I feel, because you have no real concern for my welfare." "Take it easy." "There's a vein standing out on your head you could tow a car with." "We just wanted your help, that's all." " My help?" " Something's wrong with the beer, and we can't figure out what it is." "You know all I know about beer is that I..." "I can't hold it." " I told you he'd be too hard-nosed to help." " I thought for once he'd be a regular guy." "Well, let's see." "OK, try this." " Tastes all right to me." " That's not enough to tell." " It's fine." " OK, try this one." " Aren't they the same?" " Close your eyes." " No monkey business." " Come on." "Now try this one." "Now, remember what that tastes like and try this one." " Which was stronger, the first or second?" " I'm not really sure." "OK, let's try the first one again." "And now we'll try the other one." " Well?" "What do you think?" " I'll be right back." " Which beer do you think is flatter?" " I don't know." "Just leave me alone." " You don't think the first was different?" " No." "Yes." "Whatever." " Why are you two following me?" " It's on our way." " What's on your way?" " Wherever you're going." "We're great guys." " Morning, sir." " Get this thing out of my way!" " I'm sorry, sir." "This is closed." " Closed?" "How can it be closed?" " We're redecorating." " What kind of nonsense is this?" "We had complaints that the latrines lacked any sort of aesthetic quality whatsoever, and it's essential we show the Koreans democratic plumbing." " Does the colonel know about this?" " Of course." "He signed the papers himself." "What are we supposed to do until they reopen?" "If you'll just step this way, we have a temporary officers' arrangement right here." " This is it?" " Well, there's more to it, sir." " Ready, sir?" " Hang on." "You got the full scam?" "I get the stuff to HQ lab in Seoul, wait for the report and get back here as fast as I can." " Or it's?" " My butt, sir." " Drive carefully." " Yes, sir." "OK, go." " How long do you figure?" " Two hours, tops." "We can't let him near any patients until we get that report." "Right." "No patients." "And no Hot Lips." "Observe the female of the species." "Seemingly calm and detached, her tiny GI bosom is beating wildly, because she senses the presence of her frequent partner, the notorious red-necked nose-breather." "Uh-oh." "The signalling process has begun." "Eyeballs are exchanged, and our khaki lovers do their famous "Where'll we meet today?" ritual." "It is almost impossible for the uninitiated to discern any connection between these two US Army majors." "Yet the trained observer will see that what these two officers have in mind is to arrange a bit of brass rubbing." "Excuse me." "Excuse me, sir." "The colonel says that he'd like to see you in his office immediately." " The colonel?" " Yes, sir." "He's very upset and wants you there right away." " Now?" " Yes, sir." "He said immediately." "It was imperative that you got there right away." "Oh!" "I've been on fire all day." "Just the sight of you and I wanna do crazy things." " OK, where do we start?" " Oh, anywhere." "What are you doing here?" "I'm taking a survey for the Peeping Toms of America." "You foul-minded, dirty, sneaking, spying..." "Not only that, but Dish wants you in post-op on the double." " You haven't heard the last of this!" " I bet I have." "Why would I send for you, Frank?" "I'd assume that if you sent for me, you'd at least know why." "Well, I mean, I would too." "That certainly follows." "Excuse me." " Yes, sir?" " Rada..." "Radar, Major Burns here says you said I said I wanted to see him." "Is that true?" " Yes, sir." " Well, did I want to see him?" "You must have, sir." "Here he is." " Radar..." " Why would I pull a fast one?" " Will you stop saying what I am thinking?" " One of us has to." "Would you mind initialling these initials?" " Why am I initialling these initials?" " To authorise a stamp with your initials, sir." " It'll save you doing so much initialling." " Good thinking." " Thank you." " Thank you." "Colonel, am I dismissed?" "Hm?" "Oh." "Yes, uh..." "I think we've just about covered it, Frank." " Covered what?" " Whatever." "Come see us any time, sir." "But I didn't send for you, Major." "Really." "Then why did Pierce say you needed my help?" "Everything's under control." "That's when this place is the most dangerous." "Sorry I couldn't meet you." "I was sent on a wild-goose chase." " So was I." " Margaret, what's happening?" "They're jealous." "All of them, jealous." "Of our... our fine, almost spiritual relationship." "You're so right." "They wanna keep us apart because we're symbols of... of what a decent man and woman can mean to each other, without the tawdriness that fills their sordid little affairs." "Take one step closer and I'll bite your chest right through your shirt." " Where can we go?" " I'll check the vegetable bins." "It's 4.30." "We have to go on hospital duty." "Eight whole hours before I can touch you?" "There's always the coffee break." " It's 4.30." " Yeah." "All right, let's go." " Boone should be back any minute." " Any minute would be just fine." " You got 'em?" " Yeah, I got 'em." "Hi, kids." "Shall we make it a double date?" " Just watch your tongue." " Can you say that in front of her?" "Frank, we got a light load in there today." "Why not let us handle it?" "I carry my own weight." "We can't let you operate." "You look like an ad for death." "You can't?" "The gall." "It's your liver, actually." "Think you'd better tell him." "We think you might have hepatitis, Frank." " What are you talking about?" " We took a pint of your blood last night." " You what?" "!" " You took his what?" "!" "We drilled for blood, we gave it to the POW, and now he shows every sign of serum hepatitis." "It takes weeks for such symptoms to appear." " He probably came in here with it." " Yeah, maybe." " But who knows?" " Yeah." " My gown." " You're not going in." " Oh yes, I am." " You're a walkin' bug factory." "I'll deal with you two leeches after my shift." " Sergeant, do your duty." " Major." "Hey, what are you doing?" "Get those off me, you maniac!" " Quiet, please." "This is a hospital." " Let me out of this!" " Enjoy it while you can." " We'll have your report back in no time." " Somebody!" " Report?" "On my what?" " I don't think we should tell him about that." " I'll have you broken." " Give me a good reason for this racket!" " I want these two arrested, immediately!" " You always want these two arrested." " Colonel, look at us!" "It looks a little silly - I mean, without the music." "If you have a good explanation, I'll be an attentive audience." " Sir?" " Yes?" "Not you, sir." "This sir here, sir." "Here, sir." "Unlock him." "Lab report, Frank." ""All tests for hepatitis negative."" " You can't win 'em all." " I told you so." "That POW came in here with it." " You stole a pint of my blood for nothing." " They what?" "Maybe you'd know more about what goes on if you weren't so busy redecorating latrines." "Redecorating latrines?" " Radar, am I redecorating..." " Later, sir." " OK, folks." "Visiting hours are over." " Oh." "Bad news, Frank." " What?" " You've got anaemia." " Anaemia?" " What do you expect if you give blood" " when you're not ready for it?" " You should have checked with us first." "Yeah, you're too selfless, Frank." " Very good." " What do you say, men?" " Hiya, Frank." "Hi, Pai." " Hi, guys." "How come the enemy talks to us and you don't?" "You guys have a rough shift today?" "Bad enough." "But we didn't forget our star patient." "No hard feelings, Frank?" "Well..." "Good, cos there's a heart transplant we'd like to experiment with and you're the right type."