"State highway patrol." "There has been an accident at Tremble Road and the expressway." "Does it go like that all day?" "I suppose, but I don't hear it." "You're not ready at all?" "We have time." "The first half of a football match is just flirting." "I'd like to get there, grab a nice seat, enjoy the chitchat." "If it's a matter of you and I having a nice lunch, perhaps a ride in the boats in the park." "You don't even know what's good for you." "Spending an afternoon in the pub with our friends." "One, they're your friends, and recent ones at that." "Two, I have no fond memories of hours spent in pubs watching football." " Three..." " You love football." "No, that's my father." "And I hate this business of bringing England over in pieces." "It's strictly for the homesick." "But it's filled with immigrants like us." "How lovely your face becomes when you tell me you need something." "I'd be happy if you'd just pretend to have a good time." "Then pretend I shall." "God save our gracious Queen" "Long live our noble Queen" "God save our Queen" "Now, I want both of you to make a pledge that this is the end of football for some time." "We beat the bloody Jerries for the World Cup, darling." "That is the end of football." "I'll believe that when I see it." "Is Lane this way about that?" "Perhaps at one time." "But right now he's been in the midst of a messy divorce with Great Britain." "I dare say my blood's running now." "Good day to be an Englishman." "I don't know if I caught it." "Are you an account man at the firm?" "No, financial chief." "You should have one give me a call." "My name's on the door." "I don't find Britain any more moral than here nowadays." "The boys look like girls and the girls, they don't seem to be concerned with manners, do they?" "I find New York better than London, because 50 miles away, things are infinitely more wholesome." "You'll have your farmland." "Give it some time." "She wants to raise hogs." "Just take the last booth." "Kenny?" "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "Trying to get ptomaine poisoning." "I'll see you at the office." "Unless you have plans." "No." "It's Cynthia's uncle." "He's trying to break into radio." "I'm gonna try and talk him out of it." "I'd love to meet him." "He's painfully shy." "I get it." "You want to be alone." "Do you mind?" "Okay, now on to new business." " Roger?" " Nope." " Pete?" " No." " Mr. Cooper?" " No, dear." " Don?" " Nope." "Very well, then." "If there are any addendums for the minutes, please give them to me by 4:00." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "If I may." "I have a bit of new business." "Taking leave again?" "Not at all." "I don't know if you're aware, but England won the World Cup." "Cup of what?" "Anyway, I've begun a bit of a friendship with Edwin Baker, senior vice president of public relations for Jaguar Cars Incorporated." "Completely unprovoked, he made it clear that since their impending merger with BMC," "they're looking for a new agency to break them into the American market." "Dinner is set." " Spectacular." " I want one." "So, Mr. Pryce, that's "Jaguar," like the cat?" "Indeed." "Why are you smiling?" "Jaguar." "We'd probably have to hire 10 people who will be on the payroll for months." "Are you sure we can afford it?" "My Lordy." "New business." "Not here, sir." "I suppose if you brought in an account of this stature," "I might say something different." "It's $3 million, tops." "It's a car and you know it." "You know, I'd be happy to ride shotgun." "If nothing else, I could pick up the check, make you look important." "I think that would make you look important." "But, honestly, Lane, if you want any of us along..." "Cooper speaks British." "I believe Edwin and I relate to one another on matters both business and personal," "Englishman to Englishman." "I love that car." "Should someone give him a few pointers?" "That's a good idea." "I'm terribly busy." " Roger." " I'd be glad to." "Don, just a minute." "Trudy dictated directions to Clara for Saturday night." "I promise, no charades, no bridge, just good home cooking and drinks." "This Saturday, I think we're going away." "I doubt that." "Trudy will only act on a certainty." "Okay." "Thank you." " Dawn, can you get Mrs. Draper?" " She's inside." "I'm almost done." "So, I want you to call your new best friend Trudy Campbell and tell her that we're unavailable this weekend." "You already said we were coming." "To who?" "I don't know." "Trudy said you did." "She got this far by subterfuge." "She won't feel bad when you pull the plug on it." " I like her." " I like her, too." "But Saturday night in the suburbs?" "That's when you really want to blow your brains out." "If you want to tell her, you call her." "Where's Stan and Ginsberg?" "Why?" "Do you have something you want to tell them?" "No." "Listen, about this morning..." " I thought we had a pact." " It's not about the pact." "It has nothing to do with the pact." "The pact still stands." "Then why didn't you introduce me?" "I'm a copywriter." "I'm not gonna take yourjob." "I'd love a shred of privacy." "Just a shred." "You know?" "Is that too much to ask?" "Okay, listen." "You know I write stories." "You're still doing that?" "Well, I decided to fly under the radar." "I have a nom de plume and I've had quite a bit of success in a particular genre, and he's from Farrar Straus." "That's exciting." "I guess." "Cynthia's trying to talk them into taking the best 20 and turning them into a collection." "Twenty?" "When do you do this?" "I started turning most of my dinners into drinks." "And if I have only one, I'm in pretty good shape when I get home." "So, what is it?" "It's between fantasy and science fiction." "Robots and planets and things." "There's whole magazines." "No, I mean what's your pen name?" "Fine." "It's Ben Hargrove." "Anyway, I could have introduced you, and that was wrong, but I just..." "I don't know." "Well, I wish I felt more relieved." "It's probably not gonna happen." "And listen, the pact still stands." "If I go anywhere, you go with me." "Okay." "So that's some big news." "Are you here to put in a good word for yourself?" "No." "A little bird told me you got an RFP from Jaguar." "And that is a very good sign." "Yes, I was just going over it." ""Request for proposal." "Jaguar." ""One." "Have you ever been fired off an account?"" "There are worse ones than that." "Would you take a little bit of unsolicited advice?" "It's not pride that's keeping me from asking." "I certainly am aware that you're skilled in this arena." "I was." "Now I guess I'm professor emeritus of accounts." "Look, most people will tell you it's hard to make a mistake." "I mean, you just lie." "But that won't get you anywhere." "The beauty of this dinner is that if you do it right, you can actually have him tell you all the answers." "In fact, I once got a guy from Dr. Scholl's to fill it out for me." "There'll be plenty of drinks." "Not for you." "You order a scotch, rocks and water." "You drink half of it till it turns see-through." "You get another." "Very good." "And then it's kind of like being on a date." "Flattery, I suppose." "Within reason." "But I find it's best to smile and sit there like you've got no place to go and just let them talk." "Somewhere in the middle of the entree, they'll throw out something revealing." "And you want to wait till dessert to pounce on it." "You know, let them know you've got the same problem he has, whatever it is." "And then you're in a conspiracy." "The basis of a "friendship."" "Then you whip out the form." "What if I don't have the same problem?" "It'll probably just be something like he drinks too much, he gambles." "I once went on a five-minute tear about how my mother loved my father more than me, and I can assure you that is impossible." "Very good, then." "And if, for some reason, he's more reserved?" "Just reverse it." "Feed him your own personal morsel." "I see." "That's it." "Get your answers, be nice to the waiter, and don't let him near the check." "Thank you very much." "And find out everything you can about him before you get there." " That I've done." " And you still like him?" "I do." "Let it show." "I finally got Mrs. Campbell on the line." "Trudy, I'm glad I got a hold of you." "I have some bad news." "No, you don't." "We're building the whole party around you." "You see, I'm afraid we're not free." "Don, do you want to go down your list of excuses and I'll combat each one individually?" "Or should we just skip to the end?" "If you can't make it Saturday, I will reschedule." "It's going to happen and I promise you'll have a good time." "It's too bad your husband can't close a deal like this." "We both know he's doing just fine." "7:30." "Who's hungry?" "Are you okay?" "I saw you getting a little green in there." "Those movies are gruesome." "I think we should go back to riding horses." "That must have been something." "Why don't you have a license yet?" "I grew up in Manhattan." "Just wasn't necessary." "I like going down to the city." "There's so much to do." "Maybe you'll move there when you get older." "Then you'll get married and you'll move back here." "I'm not getting married until after college." "If my parents still let me go." "What?" "Didn't you hear about the sniper at the University of Texas today?" " Aren't you going to Ohio State?" " It doesn't matter." "Just two weeks after those nurses in Chicago..." "They don't want me out there by myself." "Don't let them scare you." "I don't know." "Things seem so random all of a sudden." "And time feels like it's speeding up." "It does." "Doesn't it?" "I remember when the summer seemed as long as the school year." "I used to go every spring to the botanical gardens." "And this year, look, it's already August." "In the Bronx?" "My family donated some of that." "Really?" "Well, generations ago." "We should go some Sunday soon." "We'd be VIPs." "Who's going to drive?" "We'll take turns." "Give each other lessons." "Okay, that's 15 minutes, everybody." "Back to the salt mines." "We should go back in." "Don't want to miss the mayhem." "What's Ken's wife's name?" "I can't remember." "She sent me the nicest thank you card for the party." "Why don't you wear the sport coat I got you?" "It's the country." "You should slow down." "I'm timing this for when we arrive." "I want to hit the doorbell with my chin." "You know, this could be fun." "How's that work?" "You don't think there's any chance you could have a conversation with another couple as friends?" "What about your actor friends?" "I don't think there was any business or financial realities discussed the whole time." "Don, I had to invite your accountant to your birthday party." "Frank's been very important to me, okay?" "You're driving." "Now go change." "Incredible, right?" "We keep expecting to open the doors and see a tiny orchestra in there." "That would be amazing." "And it's a beautiful piece of furniture." "It's seven feet long." "Wilt Chamberlain could lie down in there." "Why would he want to do that?" "The hostess would like you to turn down the stereo for fear of waking a nonessential guest." "I told her she's not allowed to talk about the baby tonight." "Terrific." "That's him." " Welcome." " I'm sorry we're late." "You know I can't blame the directions." " You have a lovely home." " You haven't seen it." "But it is certainly graced by the addition of the Cosgroves." "It's nice to see you, Don." "Hello, you." "I see a familiar red tin." "Brownies from William Greenberg." "Well, hello and welcome." "You look lovely, Trudy." "We did it, didn't we?" "We got them together." "Trudy, look what they brought." "Doesn't it make you homesick?" "I'm sorry there are no bakeries or Greenbergs in Cos Cob." "Can we put them in the icebox?" "Could everyone try it my way?" "I'm going to devil some eggs if the girls want to help." "Megan, you want to take Don's drink order?" "Big and brown." "Trudy, I love your touch." "It's almost rustic." "Am I wrong?" "That may take longer than you like." "Ken just handed it to me." "Do you like the music?" "I do." "You know, I've never lived on the ground floor before." "And we don't share any walls, so I can make it as loud as I want." "But we're not gonna." "Trudy has ground rules." "No work talk, no baby talk." "And you get the big steak." "Excuse me?" "Look," "I'm not gonna pretend it's not a big deal to us that you came out." "Oh, come on." "We're long overdue." "I remember asking you over to dinner when we first got married." "That was another lifetime." "Well, at least for me." "Beef's brilliant, but it would be difficult to do those tomatoes one better." "Ever done any gardening?" "No." "Well, I'm quite keen on it now." "Three years in North Africa, scarcely a blade of grass, living like a dog." "Yes." "I've heard men talk with dark permanence about those years." "Not me." "Best days of my life." "Then I suppose you must miss it." "You must have some melancholy." "No, it's just how I associate with my youth." "What about your war?" "I volunteered for combat on numerous occasions, but spent most of the war as a supply assistant in Rosyth." "Everyone played their part." "That was Britain at its best." "Yes." "So I'm glad to hear that America has been good for you." "And your wife is pleased, I assume?" "I'll be honest with you, Lane." "I haven't a complaint in the world." "That's too bad, isn't it?" "So the Coe family claims it was them." "Coes' Cob." "Which became through Yankee arrogance Cos Cob." "Of course, it also sounds a lot like the Algonquin word for briefcase." "Ken, where have you and..." "Where have you two made your home?" "We're in Jackson Heights, Queens." "It's very down to earth." "A lot of workers." "I keep telling them to move out to the country." "We both work in the city and my parents aren't like Trudy's." "Help from them comes with a lot of strings attached." "It is beautiful out here." "The air is so fresh and all the trees and the grass." "I grew up in rural Vermont." "Kids throwing their bikes on the front lawn is not the country to me." "You miss the horseshit, huh?" "Don!" "I grew up in the country, too, and I don't miss walking to an outhouse in the middle of winter." "Well, it's more civilized than that." "But there are a lot of varmints." "You should bring that rifle home." "You still have that?" "There will be no gun in this house." "I never liked them." "And now with that Charles Whitmore." "Whitman." "They say he had a brain tumor." "He kept warning everyone." "Without a gun, would he be able to kill his wife and mom and 20 other people?" "I'm sorry." "It's the hostess' prerogative to change the subject." "Trudy, it bears discussion." "One rifle for shooting gophers is not the same as a frustrated ex-Marine shooting at pregnant ladies." "You know, Kenny predicted it." "He wrote a story that was exactly like that." " Don't, Cynthia." " Cynthia!" "What?" "Nothing, I just..." " Honey, they don't want to talk about that." " Why not?" "You know, if he wasn't a writer, we never would have met." " I didn't know that." " I work in publishing." "My boss was rejecting him and I thought it was all he could handle." "What was the story?" " Forget it." " No, we want to know." "It's called The Punishment ofX4." "There's this bridge between these two planets and thousands of humans travel on it every day." "And so there's this robot, he does maintenance on the bridge." "And one day, he removes a bolt and the bridge collapses and everyone dies." "There's more to it than that, you know." "But it's just a story." "Why does he do it?" "Because he's a robot." "Those people tell him what to do and he doesn't have the power to make any decisions except he can decide whether that bolt's on or off." "Or he just hates commuters." "How long have you been writing?" "I started screwing around in high school." "And by the time I got a job, I thought it would go away." "And it mostly has." "No one grows up wanting to be in advertising." "That's not true." "It's such an interesting profession to me." "What drew you to it, Megan?" "Megan came to New York as an actress." "If trying to be an actress is being an actress." "That's fascinating." "I could see it." "But I had been in a few agencies on auditions and it looked like a fun place to get the bills paid." "And I saw what Don and Peggy did and I saw a future for myself in it." "That's the truth." "Can I interest anyone in dessert and coffee?" "Hot or iced?" "Yes to dessert." "Still having too much fun for coffee." "People talk about how there's so much crime in the city." "I was ripped off by the kid who mows my lawn." "Yeah, they used to take my beer out of the fridge in the garage." "A fridge in the garage?" "That's a good idea." "Damn it." "I'll get the toolbox." "I turned it on and it just blew in my face." "Hold this." "Don, what are you doing?" "Look, it's Superman." "Good Lord." "What was wrong?" "The supply was turned all the way up." "It forces the valve." " But it stopped the leak." " That was a coincidence." "Grab Don's shirt." "I'll throw it in the dryer." "Aren't we supposed to say something about that baby?" " Look at her." " What an angel." "I take no credit for her at all." "I'm gonna close my eyes and when I open them," "I want to see skyscrapers." "Admit it, you had a great time." "I'm too drunk for you to drive." "We should pull over and both sober up." "Let's make a baby." "No, that's impossible." "What, isn't that how this works?" "A baby gets you going?" "Just pull over." "This brassiere is like Fort Knox." "The only reason you're getting anywhere is because Pete scared the shit out of me with his car accident statistics" "and because I can't believe how much I loved watching you fix that sink." "Because there was a plane crash." "And it doesn't matter that it's not one of Mohawk's." "We should stop running ads for a week and then just hope that no one notices that Mohawk has 10 planes that are the same model." "Why?" "There's a plane crash every day in Vietnam." "There were seven yesterday." "It's Braniff, for Christ's sake." "Let them eat their award-winning work." " Ask Lane." " Yes?" "Do what you want." "It's your account." "Hey, Heathcliff." "How was your date?" "Lane here got Lord Jaguar to unravel the mysteries of the RFP." "Yes, about that..." "Unfortunately, I was forced to do the plan in reverse, as you suggested." "I even offered that Rebecca was unbalanced in an effort to attempt to lull him into confession, but to no avail." "What plan?" "Anyway, I've primed him for another dinner when all shall be revealed and it's on the books." "That's not what I told you to do." "Lane, I think Roger and I, and probably Don, should take your friend out to a dinner which is strictly business." "Ask all the rough questions, brag about you, then allow you to swoop in, his new best friend, and shine the chrome." "I don't know if that's necessary." "Roger, tell him that's the way the plan always works." "Sure." "You wouldn't want to hit a golf ball off the tee when you could hit it from the green." "We need you to stay a pure friend." "Practice your putting." "Very well, then." "That was generous." "Come on, Lane couldn't close a car door." "I mean inviting me along." "I'm inviting you to dinner, not the wedding night." "How are you?" "I think I'm hung-over." "What?" "Really?" "Belinda and I were left alone in the drugstore and she opened up a bottle of vanilla extract." "It did make the afternoon go faster, but now I have a headache." "Sounds like my office." "Now that you're sober," "I will remind you that you promised to find a Sunday for the gardens." "What about church?" "God's all over the gardens." " Hi." " Hey." "I missed a couple classes, but I'm here from now on." "No, he's not the instructor." "He's Peter." " Who are you?" " I'm Jenny Gunther." " Chemistry." " Right." "You're Handsome, aren't you?" " Yeah." " I'm sorry." "Your name is Handsome?" "No, my name is Hanson, but everybody calls me that." "So I got to be some kind of weirdo that I don't remember you." "It was a big class." "There were a lot of girls." " So what are you doing next year?" " Ohio State." "Billy Josephs and I were supposed to join up, but my dad went ape." "He wouldn't let me drive, either." "So I'm gonna follow through on that track scholarship to Holy Cross." "I think a man getting out of a Jaguar needs a cold shower." "That's it, a singular message repeated over and over again." "The Jaguar XKE is pornographic." "Is that enough of a flavor?" "Gentlemen, not that I don't appreciate the all-hands-on-deck, but I think the cause of our friendship would be best served by us having a little fun." "Fun." "You know that I have every intention of giving you this business." "I just want to make sure that I enjoy the people I work with." "We'd love to show you a good time." "I'm surprised Lane didn't offer." "I don't think Mr. Pryce and I have the same taste in this area." "We should go grab a drink at the Carlyle." "It's a good place to get into trouble." "You understand I'm not visiting." "I reside here in New York." "Roger, I believe this is your opportunity to shine." "You know what?" "I have a friend who's having a party right around the corner." "I like parties." "I said we're from out of town." "Now give me one attraction that isn't in this room right in front of me." "What happened to your friend?" "Because the last word I want to hear out of his date's mouth is next." "Anastasia, he likes you." "Listen, honey." "I'm not gonna bore you with compliments." "What about your friend?" "Jesus, Don, even in this place you're doing better than us." "Someone got lucky." "I think one of your sorority sisters isn't very picky." "Come on, Don." "Work, work, work." "Do you think you could lift me?" "That's what I thought." "You're one of those guys who's stronger than he looks." "I want some rum, but I think it's in my room." "Easy, tiger." "I don't do this by the minute." "You think this is gonna be easy?" "I do." "I really do." "You any good at this or not?" "Honey." "You've had such a hard day." "Nope." "It's my first time." "I'm kind of nervous." "Nope." "You're my king." "Okay." "I suppose you know that Officer Logan says to say hello." "I'm not a cop." "Are you interested in someone who's already busy?" "Just waiting for my friends." "Well, if there's something you can't find here, a friend of mine has an apartment." "Maybe more what you're looking for and he's walking distance." "That's the best I've ever seen that done." "Does that happen to you a lot?" "No." "I grew up in a place like this." "There's no other place like this." "You're right." "It wasn't as nice." "We called it a whorehouse." "I see." "So, expert, what do you think?" "Should I get a TV in here?" "No." "Jessica, I've got his drinks." "Gentlemen, I asked for fun and I got it." "Unless you're going to give me a pen that says Jaguar on it, you should be reaching for your house keys." "Good night." "Two more stops." "First one is the near corner of 72nd." "That went very well." "He seemed happy." "I'm sorry you weren't feeling well." "I'm feeling fine." "So why do I feel like I'm riding with a nun?" "I didn't say anything." "I mean, you of all people." "You're right." " Well, have a good night." " I already did." "Good." "Boy, this is rich." "I can't believe I have to explain I was doing my job to a man who just pulled his pants up on the world." "Pete, just go home, take a shower, and forget this." "I suppose there are no stern looks for Roger." "Roger is miserable." "I didn't think you were." "I have it all." "Wait till your honeymoon is over." "Look, I'm just trying to tell you because I am who I am and I've been where I've been that you don't get another chance at what you have." "Brave words for a man on his second time round." "Yeah, and if I had met her first, I would have known not to throw it away." "Now I need you to take me to Cos Cob." "You got to pay both ways." "I'm aware of that." "You wanted to see me?" "Yes, come in." "So, a little birdy told me you've been hard at work writing stories." "Who'd have thunk you were you by day and Edgar Allan Poe by night?" "It's nothing." "I only do it because my wife likes it." "My wife likes fur, but you don't see me growing a tail." " Time for the partners' meeting." " Coming!" "You know, as an account man, you already have a day job." "And a night job." "And I love it." "You knew to keep it a secret because your attentions are divided." "I like to think we offer you more than security here." "I understand." "Good." "And as a fellow unappreciated author and a friend, let me tell you, when this job is good, it satisfies every need." "Believe me, I remember." "Mrs. Pryce is on the phone." "I'm late for the partners' meeting." "What?" "Calm yourself." "Believe me, Nixon's lying in wait." "So, I see everyone's here." "Johnson will stop the war before the election." "You don't stop a war before an election." "Mrs. Harris, please excuse us." "Immediately!" "Your activities last night have cost us this account." "What?" "Go ahead, tell him how you corrupted my account and my friend." "Hold on." "What happened?" "Edwin's wife, her life destroyed, called my wife with gory details." "Why would he say anything?" "Because he was caught with chewing gum on his pubis." "How dare you laugh at this?" "What, did she just put it there and forget about it?" "It was Edwin's idea." "Impossible." "He would never." "He didn't ask you because he thinks you're a homo." "I can't believe the hours I've put into helping you become the monster you've become." "I was doing my job." "It was my account!" "Your account?" "You have no idea what you're doing." "In fact, as far as I can tell, our need for you disappeared the day after you fired us." "Mr. Campbell." "That'll be enough of that." "Mr. Campbell, you and I are going to address that insult." " Are you kidding me?" " No." "You're a grimy little pimp." "As soon as I raise my hands, I warn you, it shall be too late to run." "Fine." "You want to take your teeth out?" "Or do you want me to knock them out?" "I know cooler heads should prevail, but am I the only one who wants to see this?" "Come on." "Let's go." "This is medieval." "Hi, I'm sorry..." " You little devil." " Lane and Pete are fighting." "You want some more, Mr. Toad?" " You all right?" " I'm fine." "I'm fine." "Consider that my last piece of advice." "You'll be fine." "I don't know about you two, but I had Lane." "Reschedule the meeting." "I'm busy." "It's Joan." "What happened?" "What do I do here?" "I mean, truly?" "Something essential." "You could do it." "If they've tried to make you feel you're different than them, you are." "That's a good way to be." "I just seem to find no end to my humiliation today." " I'm sorry." " About what?" "Everyone in this office has wanted to do that to Pete Campbell." "Did you hear?" "Lane kicked the crap out of Pete." " I can't believe he beat me to it." " What did Pete do?" "I don't know, but I know he told Roger about my writing." " Why did you tell him?" " Cynthia let it slip." "Hell, she bragged about it." "You can't blame her." "I read the one in Galaxy about the girl who lays eggs." "Wow!" "Well, thanks." "But Ben Hargrove is dead." "I'm through with all that fantasy stuff." "I'm sorry." "I'm gonna leave the writing to the writers." "Come on." " Where are you headed?" " I'm meeting Megan for lunch." "I'm not as virtuous as you, so you just cut me loose?" "What was I supposed to do?" "Step in?" "Punch Lane?" "Why were we even having a fight at work?" "This is an office." "We're supposed to be friends." "I have nothing, Don." ""The Man with the Miniature Orchestra, by Dave Algonquin." ""There were phrases of Beethoven's 9th Symphony" ""that still made Coe cry." ""He always thought it had to do with the circumstances of the composition itself." ""He imagined Beethoven, deaf and soul-sick, his heart broken," ""scribbling furiously while death stood in the doorway clipping his nails." ""Still, Coe thought," ""it might have been living in the country that was making him cry." ""It was killing him with its silence and loneliness." ""Making everything ordinary," ""too beautiful to bear.""