"MAN ON RADIO:" "This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle, this earth of majesty, this seat of Mars." "This other Eden, demi-paradise." "This fortress built by nature for herself against infection and the hand of war." "This happy breed of men, this little world, this precious stone set in the silver sea which serves it in the office of the wall, or as a moat defensive to a house against the envy of less happier lands." "This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England." "GILES:" "Hello." "NIGEL:" "Mmm." "GILES:" "Good day?" "NIGEL:" "Mmm-hmm." "Is this mine or yours?" "It's mine." "What's this?" "Oh, pâté." "I'll put it in the fridge for you." "I'm going to eat it in a tick." "And do hang your coat up." "Yeah, all right." "(SIGHS)" "How many courses do you think we should have?" "Well, I dunno." "Let's have three." "Fine." "I'll be responsible for the main course." "Is there anything you can cook?" "I could get my ma to do an apple crumble when I go home." "Fine." "And then Celia can do the hors d'oeuvre." "Yeah." "That's Celia's butter." "Oh, she won't mind." "Toast's burning." "Huh?" "Oh, God!" "By the way, tomorrow is the 1 5th." "Oh, yeah, the rent, yeah." "Oh, damn it!" "You could have scraped it." "Huh?" "Oh, it doesn't matter." "Bloody good pâté, this." "You've had 51 2 units." "Oh, yeah?" "I've had 4 37." "Guess how many Celia's had?" "I dunno, 20?" "No, six." "Huh." "That makes your telephone bill £1 8.36, a month's rent at £1 80, it's a total of £1 98.36." "Perhaps you'd like to give me a cheque." "What?" "Oh, yeah." "Have you got a pen?" "Oh, it's all right." "How much?" "£1 98.36." "Take your shoe off the sofa, please." "Sorry." "Paul, Francis." "How are Martin and Hawkins looking?" "Yes, I've got 95 here." "Are they easing at all?" "Good, that's excellent." "I'm buying 1 0 at 93, good for the day." "And I've got some bed and breakfasts for you." "(PHONE RINGING)" "Hello?" "Hang on." "1 000 Viscon, 3 Dunsford International." "Francis?" "Hold on a moment, will you, Paul?" "Peason-Clarke." "A.A. or H.H.?" "Sorry, are you A.A. or H.H.?" "A.A." "Hold on, Paul." "I'll take it." "Alfred, good afternoon, sir." "Can I keep you for just 20 seconds?" "Thank you." "There we are, Samya." "Two and a half, Trachman Metal." "Hello, Samya." "Three Baltic Gas, and 5 Preston East if they touch 74." "Bye." "Alfred, how were the Skinners?" "Oh, bad luck." "(WHISTLING)" ""Your work is the rent you pay" ""for the room you occupy on Earth."" "Who said that, Kevin?" "Brian Clough?" "No, Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon." "Who's she?" "She is the Queen Mother, Kevin." "Oh." "Oh, by the way, did you know that King George VI was born left-handed?" "Was he?" "Yes, he was, Kevin." "His nanny used to strap it behind his back." "What for?" "To make him use his right hand." "Oh, did it work?" "No." "It gave him a stammer." "Shame." "And he was a haemophiliac." "Dirty old sod." "You're talking about royalty, Kevin." "Sorry." "She was deeply grieved when he passed away." "She's a great lady and a very gracious person." "It's all happening over there again." "Go on, my son." "Get in there!" "Oh, mind your own business, Kevin." "Well, what are your feelings about Petula Clark?" "Oh, I think she's absolutely wonderful." "She's a very courageous person, Kevin." "Courageous?" "What did she ever do?" "Well, she went to a foreign land and mastered the language, and carved out a new life for herself." "She had a bloke out there, didn't she?" "She's a person I very much admire, Kevin." "Really?" "Does your wife know about this?" "You know, there are times, Kevin, when you think you are a very amusing person." "Pure self-illusion." "Hello, he's moving in for the kill." "Oh, get on with your work, Kevin." "Well, it's all happening over there." "No, it isn't." "It's all in your mind." "We can keep an eye on them for the next fortnight or so and see if they come back at all." "No, not that one, Kevin." "I haven't booked it yet." "I'll go ahead then, and bed and breakfast the others." "Right, bye." "Love to Helen." "Here you are, Kevin." "Thank you." "Kevin?" "It really isn't all that bad, is it?" "Hmm?" "No, it's great." "I assume the negotiations for your penthouse have broken down, Kevin." "Well, they never really got underway, did they, Alan?" "You've abandoned your plans for a City location?" "I'm not looking for a City location." "Of course, I got in when there was a boom." "A boom?" "For buyers." "Well, I don't want to buy." "No, I don't suppose you do." "You live in a terraced house, don't you, Alan?" "Yes, I do." "A very nice situation." "Yeah." "You see, I wouldn't bother to move away at all if it weren't for the travelling." "Nice big detached house overlooking a golf course." "That's your dream, is it, Kevin?" "No, it's where I live." "(CHUCKLING) You must admit, it is a funny way to carry on." "A present for you." "Oh." "Thanks for nothing." "That's all right." "I just happened to be passing," "thought I'd drop them in, you know." "Mmm." "Don't look at me like that." "How's your flat hunting going?" "All right." "(CHUCKLING) Killed two this morning." "Car, see you for a drink later?" "It'll have to be sharpish because I'm going to the opera." "Not again?" "You are a philistine, Giles Bayne." "GILES:" "Well, they're so boring." "Who are you taking?" "ANTHONY:" "Annabel Kershaw-Rigg." "GILES:" "Oh, I don't know her." "ANTHONY:" "She used to share a flat with Priscilla." "GILES:" "Oh, she was up at Oxford?" "ANTHONY:" "Yeah, larking about in the Marlborough." "GILES: (CHUCKLES) Nice legs." "I thought you were an ox-and-cow man, big boobs." "I like big boobs and nice legs." "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "You'll soon have to stop taking sugar in your tea." "The price of Scarab's gone right down, everyone's unloading." "Yes, I had noticed, Kevin." "There's no joy in being a plantation worker any more." "Oh, yeah?" "Why is that?" "The whole of Africa has been infiltrated by Reds, Kevin." "Red Indians?" "Communists, Kevin." "Communists." "Oh!" "Reds under the beds." "So, how's your sex life, Giles?" "Oh, fine." "Got something lined up last night, actually." "Good for you!" "Who is she?" "Caroline Stormont-Grundy." "Caroline Stormont-Grundy?" "I know her cousin Stephen, he's at the Bar." "GILES:" "Oh, yeah." "ANTHONY:" "She's very tasty." "GILES:" "She's all right." "Sly old dog." "Ha!" "What are you doing tonight, Kevin?" "Oh, nothing." "You haven't resolved your social calendar?" "I'll probably pop down the local, see some mates." "Oh, what it is to be young and free." "What about you?" "Well, we tend to be open house, you know." "I'm hoping for a quiet evening in." "Oh, nice." "Hello." "Hello, April." "Cold boy." "Well, a hungry boy." "There's a letter, Alan." "Yeah." "Busy day?" "We're always busy, April." "There was a bear raid on Baltic Gas this morning." "Drax-Ikon was firming up this afternoon." "APRIL:" "Who's Mummy's favourite girl?" "(HUMMING)" "Sherry, chérie." "(BIRD TWITTERING)" "BOTH:" "Cheers!" "I was talking to Coral on the telephone today." "Oh, yeah." "Mrs Bailey..." "Oh, don't talk to me about Mrs Bailey." "I know, Alan." "Who is it?" "Guess." "Michael Caine." "No." "Uh, Mrs T?" "No." "(MOUTHING)" "Give us a clue." "He's a very hearty man, April." "Russell Harty." "No." "Dr Christiaan Barnard." "Thought I'd get him while he was over here." "Ah." "I didn't know he was still going." "Why, he's the top man in his field." "He doesn't have a 1 00% success, Alan." "People still donate their hearts to him." "Looks just like a doctor's signature." "Well, he is a doctor, April." "I wouldn't give him my heart." "Don't be silly, April." "She says Concorde's nose is too long." "What does Mrs Bailey know about Concorde?" "Exactly, Alan." "She's just jealous because my cats are more friendly than hers." "She doesn't care about the cats, Alan." "All she cares about is the money." "If you went round there, Alan, and you saw the way she overcrowds her cat houses, you really would be shocked." "Why, I have only got to write a letter to the governing council of Cat Fancy and they'd be round there like a shot." "They would suspend her." "She's an evil, idle gossip." "I know, Alan, but she's got a lot of influence in the cat world." "She's a frightened woman." "Your reputation is as pure as the driven snow." "Do you think so, Alan?" "I do." "Thank you." "You been to that travel agent today, April?" "No, Alan, I forgot." "It's about time we got all that sorted out, you know." "Oh, can't you go?" "I have to go to work every day." "I'm a professional man." "Well, what about Saturdays?" "Well, I go to my hairdressers' Saturday, you know that." "Not every Saturday." "Look, you're the one with the time on your hands, April." "Who is it tonight?" "Lucinda Prior-Palmer and Rhythmic Roberto." "Who's Rhythmic Roberto?" "Rhythmic Roberto is a pianist." "Oh, that's nice." "He's just finished playing the piano for 50 days, April, non-stop." "For charity?" "Yes, in a public house in Harringay." "Oh." "His fingers must be very tired." "He hasn't got any fingers, April." "Well, how does he play the piano then?" "With his toes." "Won't be able to write back, will he?" "You will be careful up there, won't you, April?" "Yes, Alan." "Stay back." "Stay back, stay back." "I forgot to ask Coral for the name of that photographer." "Here we go again." "Oh, Alan." "It would be nice to have some pictures." "What for?" "To show people." "You show them the cats and you show them the pedigrees." "That's not the same thing." "It's a record, a memory." "A picture is worth a thousand words." "Anyway, your mother would love a picture of the kittens." "You leave Mummo out of this." "Your mother might be interested, but mine's got other things on her mind." "She is very fond of Dreamboat." "Get out of the way!" "Go on." "Giles, you haven't cleaned the bath, it's a bloody mess." "All right, I'll do it in a minute." "Don't bother, I'll do it myself." "Sorry!" "KEVIN:" "What's this, another one?" "You love your little notes, don't you?" "They're a necessary evil, nobody'll clean up unless you remind them." "ANTHONY:" "Excuse me, Samya." "What's the matter?" "SAMYA:" "Nothing." "Why?" "ANTHONY:" "You're not smiling again." "GILES:" "Hello." "ANTHONY:" "Hi." "Those Drax-Ikon, did you buy?" "GILES:" "No, they closed at 295." "I warned you about the Irish budget." "You should have bought before lunch." "Yeah, well, he wanted 50, I couldn't find them." "You've cocked it up, old son." "It's not my fault." "Samya, have you ever stayed at a 4-star hotel?" "Yes I have." "Yeah." "KEVIN:" "Have you?" "Anyone got a penny?" "Anthony?" "(SIGHING) Do pull your finger out." "Sorry." "Where was that, then?" "Here." "Where?" "Here in London." "Why don't you come away for a weekend with me?" "No, thank you." "No, I'm serious." "Come to the Cotswolds." "It's just what you need." "And no strings attached." "GILES:" "Oh, no, not another notice." "What's the "P" stand for, Samya?" "My middle name." "Yeah?" "Oh, what is it?" "Mind your own business." "GILES:" "Oh, come on, tell us what it is." "No." "Go on, Samya." "No." "Yeah." "Come on, out with it." "Patricia." "KEVIN:" "Is it?" "Oh, that's an English name." "Yes." "Mmm." "Well, what about this weekend?" "Do you mind?" "What's the matter, don't you like me?" "Oh, steady on, Anthony." "(CHUCKLING) I'm only trying to give you a bit of fun." "Smooth, isn't he?" "ANTHONY:" "I've just been on the phone to Janie Singleton-Cavendish." "GILES:" "Ah, yeah." "Bloody good drinks party on Friday." "ANTHONY:" "She's off sick." "GILES:" "I'm surprised she's not still stuck in that lavatory." "ANTHONY:" "Oh, come off it, Giles." "Hello, Alan." "Oh, Anthony." "By the way, Lord Beverage, he went to Charterhouse, didn't he, Anthony?" "Yes." "Lord Liverpool." "Yes." "Lord Chief Justice Alverston." "Yeah." "GILES:" "Oh, Anthony..." "Yeah." "Thinking of having a dinner party on Thursday." "Is that a formal invitation?" "Oh, yeah, if you can come." "Mmm, splendid." "I'm sure I can." "Will Caroline be there?" "Yeah, yeah." "Oh, good." "Well, I'll just check in the diary, come in." "It should be all right." "Good night, "Sarmya"." "Samya." "Samya." "Home, James?" "(CHUCKLING) Yes." "How's Jenny?" "Flourishing as ever." "Simon and Charlotte, are they well?" "Fine." "And the Lady Madeleine, is she keeping well?" "Pretty good for her age." "Having a bit of trouble with her waterworks." "Oh." "I'm very sorry to hear that." "How's April?" "Flourishing as ever." "Got a dinner party tonight, have you, Francis?" "No, I'm going to see a client." "Oh, where?" "Kensington." "Lord Crouchurst." "Full marks." "You're going to his house, are you?" "Yes." "See you in the morning, then." "Oh." "Uh, yes." "Can I have another colour?" "What colour do you want?" "What colour do you want?" "Pink?" "Let me see..." "Well, on Monday, we've got Louise and Nigel's birthday party for the twins." "I'm joining you for drinks, yeah?" "Yeah." "Tuesday..." "Tuesday's free, isn't it?" "Free, except that I'm lunching with Atalanta." "Oh, are you?" "Yeah." "Have you got dinner with Digby on Wednesday?" "Oh?" "Well, dinner with Digby on Wednesday." "Goody." "(SOFTLY) Just going up for our bath." "Jolly good, Nanny." "Ah, Thursday." "Newmarket with Hugo and Jane." "Yes." "Are we dining with them or are they dining with us?" "I thought I'd book a table at you know where." "Where?" "Oh, super." "Now, Friday, I've got "Philip eve", what does that mean?" "Oh, Prince Philip, he's guesting at my club." "Oh, yes." "Saturday, we've got the ball at the Savoy." "Yeah." "Sunday, we've got polo at Windsor." "Good." "Not a bad week." "Hey, guess what's for supper." "Fish fingers." "NANNY:" "Good evening." "FRANCIS:" "Hello, Nanny." "You're keeping well, I hope?" "NANNY:" "Yes, thank you." "I'll find my own way up, shall I?" "Hello, Selina." "How's my best girl?" "LORD CROUCHURST:" "Francis!" "Hugh." "Good to see you." "Sorry to keep you." "I was detained by a lady on the stairs." "Bye, Selina." "Come on, Selina, supper's ready." "Oh, I'm a tired boy." "Say hello to Aphro." "Good evening, Aphrodite." "APRIL:" "House of Commons." "How were the West Indies?" "Oh, a great success." "How's Jenny?" "She's in pretty good form." "She generally gets an attack of green fingers about this time of year." "Goes out on the balcony and does funny things to the window boxes." "Oh, really?" "I think she misses her garden." "Haven't you got a garden?" "Not really, in London." "Oh, I see." "How are the children?" "You've got a couple, haven't you?" "We had at the last count." "(CHUCKLES)" "They're fine." "Good." "The West Indies were absolutely marvellous." "We were reliving our honeymoon." "You didn't take the children with you?" "Lord, no." "Hardly." "Nice to get shot of them for a bit." "Much as one loves them." "Yeah." "So I take it Nanny's proving a success?" "Oh, she's not quite so bad now." "She's absolutely splendid." "Did you get a winter holiday this year?" "Thanks." "Haven't managed one for the last four years, I'm afraid." "Oh, bad luck." "Francis, let me top you up." "(INAUDIBLE)" "NANNY:" "Ready to come up?" "Bring teddy." "There's a good girl." "She's turned up trumps, April." "Mrs T?" ""Dear Mr Dixon, on behalf of Mrs Thatcher," ""I am writing to thank you for your letter of the 1 4th of February." ""Mrs Thatcher was delighted to hear from you" ""and is only too happy to send you a photograph." ""I have pleasure, therefore, in enclosing a photograph" ""which Mrs Thatcher has signed," ""and which she has asked me to send you with her warmest good wishes." ""Yours sincerely, Nicola Halton, Secretary."" "Let's have a look, Alan." "That's a nice picture." "I like her hairdo." "She's a very handsome woman, April." ""Beautiful chinchilla kittens for sale." ""Excellent pedigree, inoculated." ""Telephone 544-2071 ."" "Very prominent position." "It's in Exchange  Mart as well." "Pity you didn't get our name in." "Francis, it's about my mother." "How is she?" "She's extremely well." "A bit low on funds." "A temporary embarrassment at the tables?" "Not so temporary, rather long-term, I'm afraid." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Has she approached the trustees?" "No, she hasn't." "I thought it would be best for you and I to have a little chat before she did." "Have we any idea how much she thinks she needs?" "Not precisely." "She's down to something like her last 50,000." "That's her own free capital, of course?" "Yeah." "No, please don't get up." "What are you going to have for your supper, darling?" "Fish fingers." "Are you?" "How lovely!" "Francis walked me to the station tonight." "Francis?" "The one with the ginger tom?" "No, he's the one who looks like Magnus Magnusson." "Oh, yes." "He was just popping over to Lord Crouchurst's at his town flat." "He's one of our private clients." "Yes, a charming man." "He once asked me the way to the office toilet." "Is that the phone, Alan?" "No." "So she may be being a shade pessimistic." "Off the cuff, I'd say 70 was nearer the mark." "Really?" "And of course, that's not her major source of income." "Quite apart from your father's trust, there must be a substantial return from the French property investment." "Francis, there isn't." "Isn't what?" "The company ran out of funds and the building didn't get beyond the second floor." "Is there anything to be got back from realising the assets?" "No." "Bit of a stinker, isn't it?" "Not too funny." "She can't say I didn't warn her." "I know, I know." "So she's completely dependent on her UK sources of income?" "Yeah." "And she won't enjoy having to live on that, will she?" "She's going to have to lump it." "Crouchurst." "Earl of." "Earl, England, 1 654." "Hugh Henry Charles Lullworth, 1 5th Earl." "Born March 1 8, 1 94 7." "Succeeded 1 969." "Educated at Eton." "1 973, married Clarissa Jane Dawes, and has issue," "Rupert Henry, Viscount, born September 6, 1 976, and Lady Serena Rose, born June 1 2, 1 974." "Family seat, Crouchurst Hall, Crouchurst, Sussex, and the family motto:" "Prospere virus est, wealth is strength." "She's spending about one and a half times her income." "Optimist." "More like two and a half." "Oh." "Over the past 1 2 months, she's been realising substantially more capital than usual." "Can you be more precise?" "In round figures?" "Yeah." "Getting on for 25,000." "And her income is 1 6,000." "Do you suppose she can have spent the lot?" "There's very little doubt in my mind, Francis." "QED." "It really is too boring." "You been to the travel agent today, April?" "No, Alan, I forgot." "Well, Mummo's set her heart on it, she'll be very disappointed." "I don't know what to ask for, Alan." "Look, you say, "My husband and I wish to tour" ""Balmoral, Sandringham and Windsor with my mother-in-law" ""during the last week of August and the first week of September." ""Will you kindly make the appropriate hotel and coach reservations?"" "I am not going on a coach, Alan." "Well, me and Mummo are going on the dratted coach." "Have you finished?" "Yeah." "Well, put your knife and fork together." "How far can you persuade her to cut back?" "I really don't know, Francis." "If you tried very hard, could you get her down to 30,000?" "It sounds reasonable." "We can't improve the income much beyond 20." "It'll mean realising capital." "Yes." "25% limited power of advancement, I can't see the trustees objecting." "That gives them 1 25,000 to play with." "Switched into suitable low-coupon gilts, they could let her have 1 0,000 a year for at least the next 1 5 years." "The problem seems to be becoming more tractable." "Splendid." "Of course if she spends any more," "you'll have to stump up." "Yes." "By the way, Kevin, Russell Harty, what do you think about him?" "What do I think about Russell Harty?" "(CHUCKLING) Now, what do I think about Russell Harty?" "Is there any particular reason you want to know, or just like in general?" "Take a look at that, Kevin." "Very nice." "He didn't write you a letter, did he?" "There is a small inscription on the reverse side." "You eat far too many sweets." "Do I, Kevin?" "Yeah." "Your teeth will rot." "My teeth are in sparkling condition, Kevin." "I've never been to a dentist in my life." "I don't believe you." "What?" "You must have done." "I've never had any trouble with my teeth, Kevin." "Your mum must have taken you when you were a kid." "Oh, well, yes, yes." "I meant in my adult life." "You never said adult life." "Well, I implied it, Kevin." "You didn't imply anything." "You made a statement, it was incorrect." "So?" "I think a small apology would be in order." "Prick." "Come on." "Have you heard from those two, uh..." "No." "They'll probably give us a ring tonight, Alan." "I didn't like the look of his friend." "He was shy, Alan." "It's funny that, two men wanting to buy a cat." "I think Mr Howard would give Bianca a very nice home." "(MAKING KISSING NOISES) Come on." "I think it was Frobisher was the fly in the ointment now." "Good girl!" "He was the strong, silent type, Alan." "Still waters run deep." "You know, I think they'd be better off with a neutered male." "(DOOR RATTLING)" "April!" "April!" "Mrs Dixon!" "Yes?" "There's a man here." "APRIL:" "Just coming!" "Good afternoon." "Good afternoon." "Oh, Alan, you're back early." "What's this, April?" "It's Mr Shakespeare's equipment, Alan." "He's in the garden." "I've got a customer." "Go back!" "Shoo, shoo, shoo!" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "APRIL:" "I'll be back in a second." "You're back early, Alan." "Well, my back was giving me a bit of gyp." "Oh, dear!" "Are you Mrs Shakespeare?" "I beg your pardon?" "Are you Mrs Shakespeare?" "No." "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Yeah, I'm all right, don't worry about me." "APRIL:" "All right." "Would you bring Tiger Lily back in, please?" "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Yes, of course, yes." "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Tiger!" "Alan, this is Miss Hunt." "Miss Hunt, this is my husband." "How do you do, Miss Hunt?" "How do you do?" "She's come buy a chin, they've run out at Harrods." "(HUMMING)" "There we are." "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "How do you do?" "ALAN:" "Afternoon." "Oh, Alan, this is Mr Shakespeare." "I know, April." "Mr Shakespeare's come to take a..." "I know why he's here." "Would you like a cup of tea, Alan?" "Of course I'd like a cup of tea." "Miss Hunt, tea?" "No, thank you." "Coffee?" "No, thank you." "A glass of orange squash?" "No, thank you." "Put the kettle on, April." "You'd like a cup of tea, wouldn't you, Mr Shakespeare?" "Very nice." "Thank you very much." "Would you excuse me for just one moment, Miss Hunt?" "(GROANING)" "Sorry, Mr Dickens." "Dixon." "Sorry?" "Dixon." "Oh, is it?" "Sorry, I'm always doing that." "That's perfectly all right." "Here." "Well, I must say this all looks bloody good, Nigel." "She might have rung." "It's a bloody nuisance." "Well, you know Celia." "Not superstitious, are you?" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh!" "# Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes!" "# Bow, bow, ye tradesmen, bow, ye masses!" "# Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses!" "# Tantantara!" "Tantantara!" "Tantantara!" "Tantantara!" "# Tzing!" "Boom!" "Tzing!" "Boom!" "#" "Clean out the ears with the baby buds." "This is very important because it can get canker." "All right?" "Then we start with the grooming." "Now, you always comb the hair forward like that and I..." "Ooh." "Tiger!" "Sprinkle the talcum powder on there and then comb it in." "That's a special kind of talcum powder, is it?" "Oh, no, any talc will do." "I just use this one because I like the smell." "Oh, Mrs Dixon, I'm afraid I'll have to disconnect the electric fire, do you mind?" "Oh, no, that's all right, Mr Shakespeare." "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Sorry, Miss Hunt." "You haven't drunk your tea." "I don't take milk, actually." "Oh, um, shall I pour you another cup?" "No, it's all right." "Sure?" "Well, here we all are." "May I offer you a glass of sherry, Miss Hunt?" "No, thank you." "APRIL:" "Close the door, Alan." "Now, all my cats are house-trained..." "Is that your camera, Mr Shakespeare?" "No, no, no, no, this is my light." "Where would you put your cat tray?" "MISS HUNT:" "My..." "Litter tray." "Oh, in the kitchen." "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Nobody superstitious, are they?" "(LAUGHS)" "Well, that's all right, as long as the cat can get at it properly, you see." "You see where I keep mine there, Miss Hunt, in the corner?" "Now, if I were to keep it here, under the drinks cabinet, well, that would be no use at all, because the cat wouldn't be able to get at it and it would probably do its jobs all over the place." "She doesn't want to hear about all that, April." "Alan, we are discussing business." "Is that cup of tea handy, April?" "Thank you." "Harrods let you down, did they, Miss Hunt?" "Yes, I'm afraid they did, rather." "We prefer to shop locally." "Excuse me." "Do you go away very often?" "Every weekend." "Where do you go to?" "The country." "Where's that?" "Berkshire." "Windsor?" "No." "Newbury, actually." "Oh, yes, Newbury." "Do you ride, Miss Hunt?" "Yes." "Do you hunt?" "Yes, I do." "Have you got a horse of your own?" "Yes." "Always had horses in the family, have you?" "Yes, we have." "They must cost a lot to feed." "Probably." "Miss Hunt, I've turned her over now and I'm grooming her belly." "Excuse me." "Sorry." "Um, if you go away, you must arrange for someone to come in and feed the cat, because a cat does need two meals a day, and a kitten doesn't really like to be left alone." "How long are you going to be, Mr Shakespeare?" "Oh, hour, hour and a half, no more." "It's just I've a very important engagement at 7.00." "Ah, you going out, Alan?" "No, it's This is your Life." "So it is." "Wednesday night." "Oh, you're a fan, are you?" "Can't resist it." "Of course, the thing about chinchillas is you can't just give them any old cat food, Miss Hunt." "Can you, Mr Shakespeare?" "Oh, no, no, no, no." "APRIL:" "They have very delicate stomachs." "Yes, milk's fatal." "Oh, and liver, it gives them the most terrible diarrhoea." "(WHISPERING) April!" "MISS HUNT:" "What on earth does one give them, then?" "Oh, I always give mine lambs' heart, ox heart..." "Pigs' heart." "Chicken Gourmet Menu." "Rabbit Whiskas and a little fish." "Are you dining out tonight, Miss Hunt?" "Well, I was rather hoping to." "A private dinner party." "No, a restaurant, actually." "Oh." "Are you thinking of showing?" "No." "Breeding?" "I don't think so." "Then you'll have to have her spayed." "I beg your pardon?" "Spayed, it's an operation." "You take her to the vet and he removes the uterus and the ovaries." "Excuse me." "What are you up to?" "I'm just hanging my backing." "Your what?" "It's the backing for the photographs." "Well, I hope you've taken your shoes off." "You can give me that picture!" "Here." "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Here." "You be careful of that." "Your name's Shakespeare, is it?" "Yes." "Yes." "Um, it's best to do that before she comes on heat for the first time." "Now, that'll be when she's either nine or 1 0 months old." "Its birthday will be on the pedigree, I presume?" "You have filled in the certificate, have you, April?" "The transaction hasn't taken place yet, Alan." "Well, perhaps we could hurry it up a bit." "May I give you a cheque?" "Um, oh, all right." "Thank you." "(SOFTLY) Uh, £45." "How much?" "£45." "Fine." "Have you got anything to put her in?" "No, I haven't." "I'll get you a Pak-a-Pet." "Thank you." "Shall I take her?" "Thank you." "There we are." "Come on, then." "She doesn't want to leave me." "What is the date?" "BOTH:" "It's the 2 3rd, Miss..." "Thank you." "Sorry about all this, Miss Hunt." "It's quite all right." "Who do I make it out to?" "A. Dixon." "Have you got far to go, Miss Hunt?" "Sloane Square." "Ah, that's your town flat, is it?" "Yes." "So, Newbury is your country seat?" "Yes, well, it's my parents' home." "Do you stretch very far back, Miss Hunt?" "I beg your pardon?" "The family tree." "Oh, I see." "Yes, we do, on my mother's side." "What's her maiden name?" "Summerton-Friars." "Summerton-Friars." "Oh, Alan!" "Oh, you are a clumsy oaf!" "Here we are, Tiger." "Oh!" "Could you hold her, please, while I get the box open?" "APRIL:" "Oh!" "There we are, Mrs Dixon." "Would you leave your name and address, please, 'cause I'll have to send the pedigree form on." "And..." "She doesn't want to go." "And anyway, I like to keep in touch." "Are you sure you won't have a sherry, Miss Hunt?" "Yes, thank you." "What about you, Mr Shakespeare?" "Oh, very nice, thank you very much." "I've put her spider in." "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Thank you." "BOTH:" "Cheers!" "Right." "You won't forget to play with her, will you?" "No." "Here we are." "Oh, thank you." "She's going to miss her brothers and sisters." "Goodbye." "Bye-bye, Miss Hunt." "Summerton-Friars!" "They're all in there, are they?" "Well, of course they are." "This is Debrett's Peerage, Baronetage, Knightage and Companionage. 1 962." "You will look after her, won't you?" "Of course I will." "And if you need any advice, give me a ring." "I'm always in." "Excuse me, Mr Shakespeare." "Mmm." "Goodbye, Miss Hunt, it's most interesting to have known you." "Thank you." "Do drop in at any time." "It's open house here." "Fine." "Bye-bye, Tiger Lily." "Charming lady." "Hi." "Super to see you." "Hello." "Jolly good to see you, too." "Carry on in." "(LAUGHS)" "No, through here." "Wrong!" "Hello." "Hello." "This is Giles Bayne." "Samantha Cathcart-Walker." "Hello." "Oh, you shouldn't have brought any wine." "Super smell." "I love your coat." "What is it, punk?" "(ALL CHUCKLE)" "Where are the safety pins?" "What are we having?" "Or aren't I allowed to know?" "Oh, no, that's a secret." "Oh, great, I love secrets." "Good heavens!" "That's pretty startling!" "I'll just hang this here." "Right!" "Lovely place." "Yes, yes, it's all right, isn't it?" "Samantha, would you like a drink?" "Oh, yeah." "Dry sherry?" "Martini?" "White wine, please." "Oh, well, there's some in the fridge." "I'll just get it." "Newton's balls." "Oh, yes, they're fun, aren't they?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Here you are." "I love your pinny!" "Oh, yes." "Nigel, I really think you should go and look in the mirror!" "Oh, why?" "Because your mouth is covered in lippy." "(ALL LAUGH)" "Oh, God!" "Oh, yeah!" "Quick orgy in the hall on the way in!" "Well, I must get back to the kitchen." "If you want a nibble, help yourself." "Busy little bee." "Yeah, well, you are a bit early, actually." "How unforgivable!" "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Right!" "Can you take it away now?" "(CAMERA CLICKS)" "Good!" "That's good." "That's um..." "What are their names?" "Omar Khayam Eventide Priscilla and Omar Khayam Honeymist South Pacific." "Omar Khayam?" "Yes, it's Omar Khayam Hottentot." "Totty and Titty." "Who's Omar Khayam?" "That's a good one!" "Mmm, isn't it?" "Who is Omar Khayam?" "It's Mrs Blayne of Rutland, the spiritualist." "I don't think I know her." "Can you take your hand away now?" "Take it away." "Got it." "I think." "(DOOR BUZZING)" "Door!" "Anthony!" "Come on in." "Giles." "One bottle of claret." "Splendid!" "Go on through." "Nigel, old son!" "Hello, Anthony." "ANTHONY:" "How are you?" "Good of you to come." "ANTHONY:" "La Boheme." "Thank you." "It's far superior, you'll see what I mean." "Another bottle of wine, we'll all get squiffy." "Oh, you shouldn't have brought any wine." "Hello." "Oh, yes, Samantha, er..." "GILES:" "Samantha Cathcart-Walker, Anthony Trotter." "Anthony Trotter." "How do you do?" "Hello." "So, can I get you a drink, Anthony?" "That would be splendid." "Dry sherry." "Giles..." "GILES:" "Oh, sorry, white wine, yeah?" "Yeah." "White wine for Samantha." "I like your nightie." "I don't wear it in bed." "Here you are." "Thanks." "Samantha." "Thanks." "ANTHONY:" "So, how do you know these chaps?" "Oh, she doesn't know me at all." "NIGEL:" "We met on my father's farm in Norfolk." "Yeah, shooting." "That's right." "Do you shoot?" "No, I certainly do not." "SAMANTHA:" "Giles, I bet you do." "Oh, yeah, have to." "Pool old Nigel, he really hates it." "I don't." "You do, you get so cold!" "You're such a weed!" "Aw!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "Well, I'd better get back to the kitchen." "Samantha, what do you do with yourself?" "When?" "I manage a shop." "Really?" "Yeah." "What do you do?" "We're stockbrokers." "Is it fun?" "Well, it can be when we make a lot of money." "Yeah, absolutely." "Nigel!" "Yeah?" "We'll have to have tinned soup." "Oh, well, I don't like avocados anyway." "Oh, don't you?" "No." "Where's Caroline?" "I don't know." "Hadn't you better get back to the guests?" "What?" "Oh, yeah." "How are you two?" "Having a bit of trouble with a droopy fag." "Well, where's Caroline?" "What've you done with her?" "Oh, she'll be along." "You look worried." "No, no, I'm not worried." "Just hungry." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "ALAN:" "By the way, did you know there was a famous writer called Shakespeare?" "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Yes, yes, I had heard of him." "Do you suppose he was an ancestor of yours?" "Uh, no, I shouldn't think so." "Well, you never know, you know." "True, true." "I shouldn't think there are any Shakespeares in the London telephone directory." "Forty, there are." "Which part of the country do your family come from?" "Alan, we are photographing." "Croydon." "Do you have any literary leanings, Mr Shakespeare?" "Oh, look, Alan!" "That's your fault." "Just as we'd got him in the bin." "ALAN:" "April!" "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "I can't even spell, Mr Dixon." "ALAN:" "Have you ever grown a beard?" "Mrs Dixon..." "Look, Alan, shut up!" "MR SHAKESPEARE:" "Yes, I did try once, but came out in spots." "Mrs Dixon, I wonder if you could just turn the tin round so I can see the word "bread" on it." "I know, what's your first name?" "Desmond." "What's yours?" "Alan Dixon." "Shut up!" "Look what you've done!" "ALAN:" "Oh, April!" "(CRYING) She was sitting in it so nicely!" "Hello." "Oh, God, Giles, I'm really sorry I'm late." "It doesn't matter at all." "How are you?" "How are you?" "Fine, thanks." "Come on in." "Thanks." "GILES:" "It is Caroline!" "Caroline!" "How lovely to see you again." "You look marvellous." "Caroline!" "Sammy!" "How are you?" "Hello, I'm Nigel Carlisle." "Nice to meet you." "Oh, yes, Nigel Carlisle, Caroline Stormont-Grundy." "Let me take your cape." "Oh, yes." "Have to get Caroline a drink." "What?" "Beautiful dress." "Get her a drink." "Oh, yes." "Why not come and sit down?" "Have a drink." "Yeah, that'd be lovely, thanks." "What've you got?" "Oh, well, there's sherry, wine, martini, beer." "(LAUGHING)" "I'd love a martini, thanks." "Yeah?" "Fine." "Fine." "Caroline, have you seen David?" "Yeah." "I saw him a couple of times after he got back." "How is he?" "Fine." "Oh, great." "How about Richard?" "No, I haven't seen Richard at all." "(SAMANTHA LAUGHS)" "How's Stephen?" "Oh, yeah!" "Have you seen Stephen and Amanda?" "Oh, God, Stephen, yeah." "He's such a chum, he really is." "I really love Steve." "Oh, thanks, darling." "(EXHALES)" "Well, we were wondering where you'd got to." "Oh, God, I'm really sorry." "Better late than never." "Caroline, never mind, it really doesn't matter." "Oh, God, I got stuck down at home." "How is your mother?" "Oh, she's all right." "If you'd like to come and sit down, it's ready now." "Oh, marvellous!" "Fantastic!" "ANTHONY:" "Come on, Samantha." "SAMANTHA:" "Great." "Samantha, if you'd like to come and sit down, you're on the right." "Caroline, would you like to sit..." "No, Giles, up, please." "What?" "You sit there." "Caroline, sit here." "ANTHONY:" "Broth." "(LAUGHS) Broth." "GILES:" "Looks bloody good." "Oh, sorry." "Shall I park myself down here?" "Yes, you sit there, please, Anthony." "Oh, next to Samantha?" "That's all right." "Oh, no hang on, that's wrong." "What?" "'Cause it's girl, girl, chap, chap." "What's wrong with that?" "ANTHONY:" "Oh, good point." "I don't want to look at you." "Oh, I see." "No, I..." "Now, Giles, up." "Giles, up." "Up." "What?" "That's right." "Caroline, if you'd like to sit here, please." "If Caroline goes there, I'll be surrounded by pretty girls." "I arranged them this way because I thought Celia was coming..." "GILES:" "Oh, yes, Celia's not coming now, I don't think." "Still, more for us." "Well, Celia'll be in someone's bad books tomorrow morning." "NIGEL:" "It's a shame because I thought you'd like to meet her, actually." "GILES:" "Sorry." "Oh, really?" "Well, some other time." "Let me pass round some rolls." "It's still wrong, it's chap, chap." "Caroline?" "What?" "Oh, God, I'm sitting next to Nigel!" "No, the thing is there's no way." "It doesn't matter." "I don't think there's any other way, really." "No." "Right." "I hope you all like celery soup?" "Oh, yeah!" "GILES:" "Absolutely!" "Well, Caroline, what've you been doing since I last saw you?" "NIGEL:" "Get the wine." "What?" "Oh, yeah." "ANTHONY:" "It was a long time ago." "When was it?" "Samantha?" "Bread?" "CAROLINE:" "Oh, thanks." "ANTHONY:" "It was last summer." "CAROLINE:" "Thank you." "CAROLINE:" "Oh, God, at that party." "ANTHONY:" "That's right." "SAMANTHA:" "Beurre?" "ANTHONY:" "Did you winter well?" "Caroline, some butter?" "GILES:" "Some plonk?" "No, actually, hang on a moment." "No." "What?" "White wine with soup." "It's all right." "GILES:" "It's all right?" "ANTHONY:" "Yes, please." "So you wintered well?" "GILES:" "God, bloody small glasses, these, Nigel." "CAROLINE:" "We didn't get away this year." "ANTHONY:" "You didn't?" "No." "SAMANTHA:" "They're sherry glasses!" "ANTHONY:" "You're going somewhere nice this summer, are you?" "GILES:" "I'm going to stick with my old tumbler." "Come and sit down before your soup gets cold." "You're such a pig, Giles." "Fantastic." "GILES:" "Right, well, tuck in, all." "Right." "Tuck in, everybody." "SAMANTHA:" "Yeah." "ANTHONY:" "This is good." "Jolly nice to have you all here." "Jolly good to be here, Nigel." "Thank you for having me." "Thank you for coming." "(SAMANTHA LAUGHING)" "Oh..." "ANTHONY:" "You walked right into that one!" "Great!" "It was quite unintentional." "So, Caroline, what have you been doing?" "Have you been skiing this year?" "No, no, we didn't go this Christmas." "No?" "Oh, that's a shame." "We're going next year." "Oh, good." "We went last year." "ANTHONY:" "With the family?" "CAROLINE:" "Just with my mother." "ANTHONY:" "That's nice." "Where do you go?" "We go to Klosters in Switzerland." "Oh, yeah." "Jolly nice." "We've got friends with a chalet there." "It's really nice." "ANTHONY:" "I love the mountains, I love snow, but I'm just not very good at skiing." "GILES:" "Yeah!" "Do you ski?" "Yeah." "I'm just taking Desmond upstairs for a couple of minutes, April." "(WHISPERING) Close the door, Alan." "Sorry." "Come on, Desmond." "Won't be long." "Mmm." "Mmm." "It's not bad for tinned." "Is it tinned?" "Oh, God!" "Really well said, Giles." "Put your foot right in it there, didn't you?" "Poor Nigel." "Oh, God!" "Sorry." "I didn't mean that." "ANTHONY:" "We wouldn't have known, Nigel." "No, it's bloody good." "You see, we'd intended to have avocados." "And Celia was going to bring them." "And she didn't come." "Poor girl." "(ANTHONY AND SAMANTHA LAUGH)" "Who set the table?" "GILES:" "What?" "I did." "SAMANTHA:" "Oh, look!" "What?" "(SAMANTHA LAUGHING)" "They're the wrong way round." "Oh, God, yes." "You've got the gobbling rods confused!" "Oh, my God!" "GILES:" "Oh, God, Nigel!" "Sorry about that." "I'm left-handed, you see." "ALAN:" "These are my royal refusals, Desmond." "Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother." "Clarence House." ""This has proved impracticable" ""owing to the very large number of such enquiries."" "And Kensington Palace." "Princess Margaret." ""These are only given to personal friends or for official purposes." ""I am sorry to have to send you this disappointing reply."" "And Buckingham Palace. "Dear Mr Dixon," ""I write in reply to your letter requesting a signed photograph" ""of the Queen and her signature." ""I am afraid that this would not be in accordance with her practice."" "I was down there only this morning." "Oh?" "Had breakfast with the Queen, did you?" "Michael Aspel, Michael Parkinson." "Oh, Russell Harty." "Yeah, arrived only yesterday." "This is my life, Desmond." ""Alan Dixon's Tree of Great Britain." ""Gentlemen." "The Duke of Edinburgh." "The Heir Apparent." ""The Sovereign's Younger Sons." "The Sovereign's Uncle."" "Come and sit down, Desmond, make yourself at home." "I'll start again." ""Gentlemen." "The Duke of Edinburgh." "The Heir Apparent." ""The Sovereign's Younger Sons." "The Sovereign's Uncle." ""The Sovereign's Nephew." "The Archbishop of Canterbury." ""The Lord High Chancellor..."" "I like your outfit." "Where did you get it?" "Well, this I got from one place and these I got somewhere else." "Punk rock." "Mmm?" "Punk rock." "Yeah." "I've got nothing against punk rock." "That's very big of you." "Except when it's offensive." "That's the whole point of it." "To what?" "It always is offensive." "Really?" "Of course." "I didn't know that." "God, hadn't you?" "I don't mind that." "I mean, it's when people offend just for the sake of upsetting people." "That's the whole point." "It's a way of letting it all go." "What?" "Effing and blinding in the street, just to create an impression?" "That might offend you..." "Yeah." "It doesn't offend everybody." "It offends most people." "I'm sure you're very offensive to some people." "Samantha, thank you for that!" "Anyway, if people find me offensive..." "SAMANTHA:" "No, I didn't mean it." "I'm sure I offend people..." "No, it's quite all right." "It's quite all right." "Giles offends..." "I'm sure we all offend somebody at some time." "If I'm offensive, though, I do it under a code of behaviour, Samantha." "And I don't go around effing and blinding in the street." "You've got to have rules in life, you know." "If there's no discipline, then what happens?" "It's just chaos." "They only do it to shock, really, don't they?" "And if it didn't shock, they probably wouldn't..." "How boring!" "Quite right." "I mean, it's hooliganism, the football crowds, all that..." "I don't see what punk's got to do with football crowds." "I really don't." "Quite a lot." "They're bored young people who have got nothing better to do with themselves." "For God's sake, you've got to be able to let out your aggressions somehow." "Bring back corporal punishment!" "Oh, it's hanging now, yeah?" "I suppose you'd bring back hanging?" "I didn't say anything about hanging." "I talked about corporal punishment." "Oh, yeah." "Well, it's the same thing!" "ANTHONY:" "You're a very provocative young lady." "I still think it leads to the same thing." "I think enough said on this topic, Samantha, I want to..." "What do you think of this punk business?" "Well, I don't know, really, I mean..." "No, I don't either." "What do you think of it?" "What?" "Oh." "Um, well, I don't know really, they all seem, pretty offensive, really." "I know." "I think so, too." "I think we should drop this conversation." "GILES:" "Yeah." "CAROLINE:" "You do?" "Because I haven't seen Samantha smile for at least three minutes." "That's better." ""Dames Grand Cross of the Royal Victorian Order" ""Dames Grand Cross of the British Empire Order."" "(SIGHS)" "Now, Desmond, wait till you see this." "Now, this is what I call my Bran Tub of Fame." "Dip your hand in there and see what you can come out with." "Oh, come on, don't be shy." "Oh, yes, those are my Lord Mayors of London, 1 950-78." "Semprini." "Oh!" "Band Leaders of the Golden Era." "Billy Cotton." "Wakey, wakey." "Now, look at this one." "Leading Politicians of our Time." "William Whitelaw, J Enoch Powell, MBE, and the Right Honourable Margaret Thatcher." "Now, come on, have another go!" "No, look, Alan, I'm sorry, I've got to go." "Why?" "My wife will be expecting me." "Oh." "Right." "GILES:" "Marvellous." "Would you like to pass your bowls up this end, please?" "CAROLINE:" "Of course." "Right." "I don't think I could manage any more." "Let's stack!" "ANTHONY:" "How's your glass, Caroline?" "Oh, I'm all right." "ANTHONY:" "Would you like a top-up?" "Oh, yeah." "Just a little." "ANTHONY:" "You'll drink that in no time." "Shove some in there, old chap." "Shove some in there!" "I do seem to have got the biggest glass!" "ANTHONY:" "Yes." "You all right, Nigel?" "Yes, thank you." "Fantastic." "Oh, he's so capable, he really is." "I'm really impressed, actually." "GILES:" "Yeah." "Giles needs someone to look after him." "SAMANTHA:" "He's incredible." "What?" "ANTHONY:" "Well, you've got the perfect nanny, haven't you?" "It's exactly what you need." "Someone to keep you in order." "(SAMANTHA AND ANTHONY LAUGH)" "He's throwing things at me." "Hey!" "Grow up!" "Grow up!" "You're not at bloody Oxford now, you know." "Oh, Nigel, I'm awfully sorry." "You really bring out the worst in me." "Sorry!" "Is it all right, Desmond?" "Where do you want them?" "Yes, just put the white cat further on your knee." "Now, I'm going to count up to three, and after two I'll just do that... (SQUEAKS) ...just to get their attention." "There you go, Desmond." "One, two..." "Uh, oh." "They've done it again, Desmond." "So they have, Alan." "SAMANTHA:" "I can't wait!" "GILES:" "Yeah." "Oh, bravo!" "Oh, God, Nigel, that looks absolutely marvellous." "SAMANTHA:" "Oh!" "Incredible!" "Fantastic!" "ANTHONY:" "Looks all right to me." "Oh, look, it's even got its socks on!" "GILES:" "Yeah, what are those things for?" "They're for decoration." "ANTHONY:" "You don't eat them, Giles." "NIGEL:" "Will you get some wine please, Giles?" "Sorry?" "Oh, yeah." "(SAMANTHA GIGGLES)" "Oh, God." "Wow!" "GILES:" "What's all that yacamacaca in the middle?" "NIGEL:" "It's the stuffing, Giles." "GILES:" "Oh, yeah." "Great!" "What's it made of?" "NIGEL:" "It's apricots and prunes." "We shall have fun tomorrow!" "(ALL LAUGH)" "NIGEL:" "They're for doing this with, you see." "SAMANTHA:" "Oh, my goodness." "GILES:" "Oh, that's got to be eaten with our fingers." "NIGEL:" "I hope it's not too overdone." "ANTHONY:" "What do you think of that, Caroline?" "SAMANTHA:" "It's just blushing." "It's incredible." "ANTHONY:" "It looks terribly, terribly good." "GILES:" "I'll leave you with that." "Okay." "Thank you very much." "What a piece of meat!" "Right." "Nigel, why don't I look after the girls with the vegetables?" "NIGEL:" "Oh, thank you, Anthony." "Yeah, help yourselves to peas and carrots and stuff." "There you go." "ANTHONY:" "Some peas?" "SAMANTHA:" "Yeah." "NIGEL:" "Right, Caroline." "Thanks." "Go on, hurry up, Nigel, I'm starving." "Well, before we tuck into this magnificent spread," "I'd like to propose a toast to the cook." "Nigel, this is a marvellous effort!" "GILES:" "Yeah, well done, Nigel." "It's fantastic, really great." "It's very good, Nigel." "CAROLINE:" "Well done." "I think we should have a toast to the guests, don't you, Giles?" "Absolutely!" "Here's to you lot!" "Thank you." "The guests!" "How about a toast to my ma?" "Your mother?" "What on earth for?" "Oh, well, she's done the apple crumble." "ANTHONY:" "Really?" "SAMANTHA:" "Oh, great." "Well, Mrs Bayne." "One toast for Mrs Bayne for providing the apple crumble, which we have yet to devour." "Mrs Bayne!" "Mummy!" "Would you give me your autograph before you go, Desmond?" "What?" "Sign your name on the dotted line." "My name?" "Yes, please." "Feel free to drop round at any time you like, Desmond." "Bring the contacts around in a couple of days." "(HONKING)" "(CHATTERING)" "Are you cold?" "Not in the slightest." "We are still friends, aren't we?" "I really don't know." "How's the crumble?" "Oh, it's just coming." "I like your little mole." "Careful, he bites." "Here we are." "How about that?" "NIGEL:" "Come on, Giles." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Oh, no, don't you move, Caroline." "Now the seating's all wrong." "Never mind, it really doesn't matter." "Serve up the crumble, Nigel." "You don't mind me sitting next to you, do you, Caroline?" "No, not at all." "Samantha?" "Yeah, please." "My ma makes the best apple crumble in the whole world." "Pass Samantha the cream, please, Giles." "Sorry." "Thank you." "Can you manage?" "Yeah." "Thank you." "Oh, don't take it all, Anthony." "(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)" "Like another brandy, Caroline?" "No, thanks." "I've still got some coffee." "Everyone seems to have gone to the loo." "Yeah." "Jolly good evening." "Yeah." "Old Anthony's a hell of a laugh, isn't he?" "Should see him in the office." "God!" "How are you getting home?" "Oh, yeah, I'd give you a lift but my car's in dock." "Something wrong with the starter motor or something." "Hello!" "Hello." "Hello, Caroline." "Ooh!" "Sorry, Nige, I nearly sat in your lap by mistake." "Long live punk!" "ANTHONY:" "Come along then, Caroline, it's way past your bedtime." "Giles..." "Yeah?" "ANTHONY:" "I'll take the dishes and leave you with the plates!" "(GILES AND SAMANTHA LAUGH)" "Many thanks, Nigel." "SAMANTHA:" "I'll give you another one." "ANTHONY:" "Come on, girls!" "SAMANTHA:" "Bye, Giles." "Bye." "SAMANTHA:" "Bye, Nigel, and thank you very much for a lovely evening." "ANTHONY:" "That's quite all right." "How's Caroline?" "Is she coming?" "GILES:" "Yeah!" "See you tomorrow in the office." "ANTHONY:" "Yeah, well, you'll have to cover for me if I'm late." "I'll give you a ring some time." "SAMANTHA:" "Bye, Giles." "GILES:" "Bye, again." "(DOOR CLOSES)" "ANTHONY:" "I'm surprised to see you this morning." "GILES:" "Yeah, a bit rat-arsed last night, what?" "ANTHONY:" "It was good fun, many thanks." "GILES:" "Yeah, bloody good party, yeah." "GILES:" "I enjoyed it." "I wish I hadn't got so tight." "She's a funny girl, Samantha, isn't she?" "ANTHONY:" "She's got a lot of pluck, give her that." "GILES:" "Oh, I couldn't make her out at all." "(GILES AND ANTHONY LAUGH)" "ANTHONY:" "I must give Nigel a ring some time." "GILES:" "Yeah." "ANTHONY:" "Because it was a good spread he put on, wasn't it?" "See you at lunch." "GILES:" "You bet." "Have you ever been down to Manor Park House, Alan?" "No, Kevin." "Oh." "I went down on Sunday with my sister and brother-in-law and the kid." "It was a nice day out." "Who is it who lives there, Kevin?" "Oh, well, no one now." "It's open to the public." "Oh, yes, of course." "It used to belong to Frederick Fotherington-Farquhart." "Oh, yes, yes." "Lovely place to take the kiddie." "Well, he was a very rich man, Kevin." "Well, no, not really." "He lost all his money, didn't he?" "Of course, yes." "In the slump." "Ah, the '30s were a very bad time for everyone, Kevin." "Oh, yeah." "Of course, he died in 1 896." "Terrible tragedy about his wife, wasn't it?" "Yes." "Yes." "She learnt to cope." "She was a very courageous woman, Kevin." "Courageous?" "I don't think that's the word they would have used to describe her at the time." "Perverse perhaps, not courageous." "Strange looking woman, wasn't she?" "Unusual." "In the main drawing room above the fireplace, there's a plaque, and it said, "Dedicated to the memory" ""of Judge Frederick Fotherington-Farquhart" ""and his great friend Judge Frederick Farquhart-Fotherington," ""who on this very spot were nicked for trying each other."" "You dirty tyke!" "How's the back, Alan?" "Still giving you gyp is it?" "I missed you yesterday, all on me own." "You know what, Alan?" "I think he's cracked it."