"(hushed):" "Stop it!" "Hope made this for me at day care." "It's not for eating." "If I was wearing food, I'd share it with you." "Come on." "Just a..." "Shh!" "Trailers are the best part." "I enjoy Jack Black for 30 seconds at a time." "Shh!" "I'll be quiet when the cartoon popcorn tells me to be quiet." "NARRATOR:" "In every neighborhood , there's a house like this." "And in every house like that, there's a family like this." "Pull my finger, Grandma." "(farting)" "(laughs)" "(all laugh)" "But this Christmas, this family is getting a gift they didn't expect." "I got a serial killer pregnant, and now she's dead and I have to raise the baby...!" "(audience laughs)" "Ugh!" "(gasps)" "Whuh-oh!" "(laughs)" "We ain't raising no baby!" "I clean toilets all day." "I ain't cleaning no baby diapers all night long!" "I already cleaned Grand Ma Ma's." "(farting)" "I like her." "How will this family of idiots raise a baby when they can barely keep themselves alive?" "I don't know why people wait for their toast to come out to butter it." "(zapping)" "Me... even stupider now!" "Me electrocute brain!" "ANNOUNCER:" "This Christmas, dumb gets a new name:" "It can't be us." "It can't be us." "It can't be us." "You'll be glad you're not them." "Whackadoo!" "♪ Whoo ♪" "♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "♪" "I got a little crazy last night at the Bar Association Christmas party." "You gotta stop these people from putting this movie out!" "According to my research, Lucy's family sold the rights to their daughter's story, which they weren't that interested in except for the parts that involved your family." "Well, we didn't sell our story!" "Well, apparently, Jimmy did." " What?" "Jimmy!" " What in the hell?" "I don't remember signing any..." "Oh, wait." "I can't believe I won a beach ball." "I've never won anything." "Yeah, it's all yours." "You just need to sign these documents in case of any possible injury caused by the beach ball." "Dad, you're not gonna believe this!" "A beach ball, Jimmy?" "You can get one of those for free at a concert if you can snatch it out of the air and run fast enough!" "I told you not to answer the door after we got you back from the Jehovah's Witnesses!" "Kelly, can you bring me some aspirin?" "Wally, you gotta shut this movie down!" "It opens tomorrow night!" "If the whole world sees this, we're gonna to be famous in the bad way, like that no-name actor from Lost who married that 16-year-old girl." "Oh!" "I slept with my assistant last night." "That's gonna make things awkward around here." "Forget about what people think of us." "What about Hope?" "I mean, the whole world now knows she's the daughter of a serial killer." "And the guy playing me makes me look like I have a paunch." "Well, that would be upsetting because your abs are dynamite." "But they have your signature." "There's nothing I can do." "Now, if there was something wrong with your beach ball..." "No." "It was awesome." "Well, the Natesvle Times has weighed in." ""Chances are you'll enjoy laughing at these imbeciles."" "Which I thought was okay till I looked up the word "imbeciles."" "Not good." "Well, Hope's asleep and waiting for Santa." "Does anybody want to go get a tree?" "I feel like stringing lights up on something a bit safer than a bathtub." "Apparently, that operator I called this morning wasn't able to get our names out of the phone books because now we got a bunch lookie-loos gawking at our house!" "Hey, you wanna take a picture of something?" "!" "Take a picture of this!" "I wouldn't go out there, Jimmy." "Someone might try to convince you to trade our house for a yo-yo." "Oh, fine, I get it." "I'm stupid!" "Yes!" "And now, thanks to you, everyone's gonna believe the nonsense in that movie and think we're trash." "Move over, Burt, I want in on this." "It's not just me." "We're all stupid!" "You guys are always doing stupid stuff like..." "Like what?" "Name something." "The Christmas lights in the tub?" "Ah, you already said that." "Admit it, you're the dumb one for selling the movie people your rights." "It's not my fault." "I'm your kid." "If I'm dumb, it's because I've got you guy-ses "D" and "A"." "I'm getting a tree!" "I just had the most invigorating bath." "Oh, man..." "Hey, what are you guys doing?" "!" "You promised me you weren't gonna see the movie!" "To be fair, we never thought you'd find out." "Sorry, James." "It looks funny." "I did it for employee morale." "Not yours, of course." "If you were anyone but you, you'd understand." "Guys, I got a purse full of licorice..." "Ooh!" "Mama mia!" "A-what-a Christmas is this!" "I got to go to make-a de pizza." "You think he bought that?" "(slurring):" "♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪" "♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪" "(slurring):" "My family is mad at me, my friends are jerks... and now my daughter's gonna be the laughingstock of the whole country!" "Your singing is the only thing I haven't screwed up!" "And now I screwed that up by talking..." "Thanks, Clarence." "I have some announcements to make!" "Drunk Santa... karaoke guy... feel good because you have made good decisions in life." "And I did not." "Why?" "Because I made sex with a serial killer named Lucy in the back of my van, and now my life blows!" "Things would have been so much better if hadn't picked up Lucy in my van that night." "You hear that, disgusting Santa?" "I wish I had never picked up Lucy in my van!" "Now, if you'll excuse me." "(grunts)" "Hey, where's Hope's crib?" "Where's my necklace?" "Your wish came true." "You never picked up Lucy, so she never got pregnant, and you don't have a daughter." "What?" "!" "It's a Christmas miracle!" "Okay, Maw Maw, seriously, where's Hope?" "Where's all her stuff?" "I told you, there is no Hope." "Ma?" "!" "Dad?" "!" "Mom?" "Why is there a shower curtain hanging in here?" "Because your parents are separated and Burt can't afford a new place." "Mom!" "Dad!" "Maw Maw's acting batty and she hid Hope again!" "Don't turn on the oven!" "(Virginia coughing)" "Mom?" "!" "Dad?" "!" "Stop yelling!" "You're not the only one who got hammered last night." "Oh, Mom, you're huge!" "Are you having an allergic reaction or something?" "Yeah, I'm allergic to fast food." "If I eat more than 350 chicken nuggets in a day," "I blow up like a balloon." "(coughs)" "What are you doing?" "You quit smoking." "Yep, three minutes ago." "And now I'm starting again." "Hmm." "You be a dear, will ya?" "Get me a new cough rag." "I can't find the white spot on this one anywhere." "Remember, you wished you never slept with Lucy." "Well, you got your wish, which means you didn't have Hope, so she didn't need to quit smoking." "Hey, Jimmy, check it out!" "I got a hottie's digits!" "Read it and weep, cow." "(chuckles)" ""555"?" "It's fake." "It's a TV phone number." "So?" "Maybe Jane D.'s so hot she's on TV." "Well, good for you." "Just make sure you buy her flowers when you pick her up at "123 Go Away Street."" "Well, at least I'm out there meeting people." "I'm not spending my days on the couch having a threesome with Ben and Jerry." "All part of your wish." "I never wished for them to be miserable like this." "MAW MAW:" "Without Hope in your life, you had no purpose, direction." "You quit your part-time job." "You became a full-time loser." "And as you soon learned, being a full-time loser didn't pay very well, so you resorted to a life of crime... (whimpers) which resulted in you getting two prison tattoos and an addiction to toilet wine." "Instead of having a cute baby to bond over, your parents argued all the time, blaming each other for the mess you became." "No, this can't be true." "Maybe I'm still dreaming." "Oh, this is just like that movie Inception." "I have absolutely no idea what's going on." "Why are you standing in the middle of the room talking to yourself like a crazy person?" "I'm not crazy." "I'm just talking to Maw Maw." "Oh, so you're talking to ghosts now?" "If I still loved you, this would be very disappointing." "Oh, did I not mention I'm dead?" "That's your fault, too." "It was the night your mother sent you out for ice cream." "Instead of a cold sugary treat..." "Help!" "you brought home a cold-blooded killer." "You're like a hero." "Well, this is fantastic." "But since you didn't pick up Lucy, of course, none of that happened." "MAW MAW:" "So, you gave an old lady treats filled with choking hazards." "(groaning)" "Truth is, you did me a favor." "Oh, heaven's great." "Though it's awfully hot there." "There are a lot of fires everywhere..." "And last night at karaoke?" "Idi Amin and Hitler did a great version of "Ebony and Ivory."" "No, no, no." "Jimmy, I need somebody to shave me down, oil me up, and take some sexy pics for my online dating profile." "This isn't happening." "None of this is happening!" "I gotta get out of here." "Hey, porky, get out here and stand next to me for a picture." "I want to look skinny for my online dating profile." "(coughing)" "No." "Barney's new girlfriend is really into money." "She made him buy this place and change it into this." "Nothing makes more money than sexy girls selling liquor." "(sloppy ukulele music plays)" "♪ Would you like me to lick your shoes?" "♪" "♪ I'll do anything for booze ♪" "♪ If you want to cop a feel-a ♪" "♪ Just buy me cheap tequila. ♪" "What happened to Shelley?" "You did." "'Cause you didn't have Hope, you never brought those parents from that snobby private school to save day care." "Then she started stealing medicine from old people and dogs." "Now she's hooked on cheap wine, stool softeners, and... heart-worm pills." "What the hell?" "Without you working with him, Frank became mayor." "I'm thinking of running for mayor." "That's stupid." "Yeah, you're right." "Is that Sabrina?" "85% of that girl is what you remember as Sabrina." "Hey, Sabrina." "It's Sapphire now." "Ten bucks to see 'em, $20 to feel 'em, 50 bucks for the greatest motorboat of your life." "No, it's me..." "uh, uh..." "Jimmy." "Well, I'll tell you what, Jimmy." "You're cute." "I'll tell you what you can get for 100 bucks." "ATM's in the corner." "Think about it, hmm?" "Working in a dump like this really changed Sabrina." "Course, it'd still be good old Howdy's if it weren't for Barney's new girlfriend." "Which is also your fault." "Well, how could that possibly be my fault?" "Where is my boyfriend?" "Barney's girlfriend is Lucy?" "Right here, sweetie." "I ran out of money again." "Oh, well..." "Since you didn't sleep with her, and Virginia didn't knock her out with the TV, she never got caught, and was free to find other prey." "Other prey?" "Oh, my God, she's going to kill him." "Good." "Never been a fan." "But if you like him so much, call the cops." "Although... if you want your daughter, better get Lucy pregnant first." "You're right." "I gotta knock her up." "(shouts) What are you still doing here, dirtbag?" "You looking to rob the place?" "What are you looking at her for?" "You think she's prettier than me?" "Huh?" "Think these were a waste of money?" "No, no!" "They're worth every penny!" "Please, I need your help." "Why would I help you?" "Because underneath that 30 pounds of perfectly molded silicone," "I know there's the heart of a good person." "God, I wish I had $20." "That was the nicest thing anybody's said to me in years." "What do you need me to do?" "Are you a good enough shot to just miss somebody?" "Hey, Lucy." "I just found out you're "The Boyfriend Killer."" "Help!" "Help!" "Drive!" "Drive, drive, drive, drive, drive!" "(grunting)" "Do you have a condom?" "I'm so not getting pregnant." "Uh..." "I'll be careful." "I'm not taking any chances." "I got off all my meds a few wes ago... birth control pills, antidepressants, anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers..." "I'm actually feeling a lot more clear-headed these days." "Now go get a damn condom!" "Open the drawer... dig around... close the drawer." "Open the cabinet..." "What are you doing?" "I'm just trying to figure out how long it would take for me to realistically be looking for a condom." "Well, at least one of us is having sex... with other people, I mean." "Say, Jimmy, do any of your no-good, punk friends feel like doing an old gal a favor?" "I'll ask around." "Whoa, whoa!" "What the hell are you doing?" "Sorry, he's kind of hot for an old guy." "Dad, I was hooking up with her." "I just went to look for a condom." "Oh, good." "Hand it over." "She looks iffy." "You smell like beef jerky." "Oh, that's just the van, baby." "Dad, would you get out of here?" "I had her first." "Well, I have her now." "All right, you guys decide." "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." "And maybe raid the kitchen." "I kind of got a hankering for beef jerky." "You can't have sex with her." "I need to." "Well, I want to." "You want to have a pose-off?" "Top this." "I'm telling Mom about this." "Mom!" "JIMMY:" "Mom!" "Mom!" "Dad's trying to hook up with the girl I like right here in the yard." "I don't care." "Long as he doesn't do it" " on my side of the bed." " Well, that's fine." "I was thinking about using the hammock." "Remember the days you wouldn't break the hammock?" "Dad, you don't understand how important this is." "There's only one way to decide who gets her." "Rock, paper, scissors." "I want in on this, too." "I'm sick of men." "(making alarm sounds)" "Thank you, Dan, my newly appointed" "Secretary of Alarm Sounds." "My fellow Natesvillians, we have identified "The Boyfriend Killer."" "Her name is Lucy Carlyle." "If you should encounter the suspect, remember, she may look sweet, but she is extremely dangerous." "(making alarm sounds)" "You guys are out of toilet paper and painkillers." "No!" "I'll never get Hope back!" "(in slow-motion):" "No...!" "♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪" "♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪" "♪ Peace on earth, and mercy mild... ♪" "I'm back." "I'm back!" "Merry Christmas, drunk Santa!" "Merry Christmas, public domain karaoke singer!" "(laughs)" "Merry Christmas, Natesville!" "♪ Joyful all ye nations rise ♪" "Merry Christmas, Dancin' Dan!" "♪ Join the triumph of the skies ♪" "It's Christmas?" "JIMMY:" "Merry Christmas, movie theater!" "Merry Christmas, people who I thought were my friends but" "♪ With angelic hosts proclaim ♪ are inside the movie theater!" "♪ Christ is born in Bethlehem ♪" "Merry Christmas, uneven sidewalk!" "♪ Hark, the herald angels sing... ♪" "Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad!" "Where's Hope?" "(Hope crying)" "She was asleep." "It's 10:30 at night, what's wrong with you?" "That's our Christmas tree?" "What, did you mug Charlie Brown?" "(chuckles)" "Hope!" "Oh, I'm so glad you're here." "And Maw Maw, you're alive!" "Of course I'm alive." "Heaven's gonna have to wait" " a little bit longer for me." " Yeah, yeah, heaven." "I'm so sorry I called you guys stupid." "I'm glad I grew up in a stupid house." "Every stupid decision I've made in life has led to great things." "I mean, I wouldn't have Hope if I wasn't an idiot." "And I wouldn't trade her for anything." "(knock at door)" "I'm just glad I'm back in reality." "Hey." "Well, there are a couple of things I miss." "I thought you guys were at the movies." "We left early." "(laughing)" "MAN:" "Can you believe these morons actually live in our town?" "MAN 2:" "I don't even feel sorry for the real baby because she's probably just as stupid as the rest of them." "I can't sit and listen to this anymore." "We've gotta do something." "I know there's some historical precedence for not doing this, but..." "Fire!" "Wow." "You guys are good friends." "I mean, you would've been great friends if you hadn't gone to the movies when I asked you not to." "But I'm glad you're here." "I wouldn't worry about that movie, Jimmy." "A poor family raising a serial killer's baby?" "Not many people are gonna want to watch that." "At least not in my demographic." "JIMMY:" "I wasn't going to be able to protect Hope from the reality of how she came to be in this world." "What happened, happened." "And nothing was going to change that." "And I wouldn't change it, for anything in the world." "Maybe me spending most of Christmas Eve passed out in a bar deprived Hope of seeing that Jimmy Stewart movie everyone loves for another year, but at least I could teach Hope the lesson I learned:" "You can't worry about how the whole world sees you..." "It only matters how the people in your world see you." "Oh, and don't ever sign for a beach ball."