"Agua?" "Si?" "Si." "ARI:" "Y'know, sometimes I look at you, and I'm like what problems does this straight, white guy have?" "Does he have any?" "Hoo boy." "LISA:" "Did I get the job?" "It's sort of shocking, right?" "You either like need to flirt with me a lot more, or a lot less." "Sorry." "Goodnight, Ari." "LISA:" "Are you close?" "Almost." "Come here." "It's not gonna happen." "What's wrong?" "It's nothing." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "May I...?" "Yes, please!" "ARI:" "We gotta go, dude!" "ARI:" "Those philandering ghosts aren't gonna catch themselves, or whatever." "I tried to take a nap, but I couldn't fall asleep, and then I did, but" "I had a dream that we already went to work, so now I'm like double tired." "But you were there, and Oscar was there, and Dana was there, but Toby wasn't there for some reason, but Amy Heckerling was there, and she was just doing her thing..." "SAM:" "Let's do this." "LISA:" "Good luck boys!" "Thanks, girl." "TOBY:" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "Jesus fuck!" "Did you see one?" "No." "I did not see one." "Just Oscar being Oscar." "Why is he the worst?" "He's not, actually." "You should meet his boss." "What's his problem?" "She is like this total Greek-myth-monster person." "She told her husband she wanted a divorce on Pinterest." "That's dark." "Were you sleeping?" "No, I'm just trying to meditate." "Sam and I have like 72 hours straight of work this weekend, because we're $455 short on rent, so I just figure that if I meditate it's gonna be sort of like" "WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK?" "Ugh." "Aw, so easy!" "I can spell you guys for a bit, if you want to go pack up with Sam." "I don't understand this show." "I watched like 30 episodes one weekend with that guy I met in Pittsburgh." "How's it work?" "OK." "So, if you're married, and your spouse dies, and you think they were cheating on you, you call up this guy, Steven Stanley" "TOBY:" "Steven Stanley." "And he tracks down your dead spouse's ghost and tries to prove they were cheating." "People watch this?" "In my experience, the main virtue of Ghost Cheaters is that you can watch it while giving or receiving fellatio, and you don't miss much." "But not both." "It's a logistical challenge, but I'm sure it could be done." "SAM:" "Can you guys finish up in here?" "I would like to go sit in the van quietly and not think about anything for 15 minutes." "You got it." "So how are you planning on making $450 in one weekend?" "$455." "After this, we're shooting Model Behavior in a few hours" "Oh my God." "Shut up." "Are you going to meet Simone Blanc?" "I have been praying to all the gay gods." "And then, Oscar hooked us up with this bartending gig, from like 11 p.m. until 6 a.m., and then we're back here Sunday to wrap up this Ghost Cheaters nonsense." "Poor you." "Poor Dana." "She's got to edit all this bullshit ghost footage together in like 28 hours." "She can handle it." "She's an Amazon." "ARI:" "Oh, and we're going to a baby shower for a college friend tonight." "Oh my God." "That's terrifying." "I know." "She's like 24." "What's your weekend about?" "My friend's making a big deal out of turning 26." "I was gonna invite you." "It's at Bottoms Up." "Bottoms Up?" "In the Village." "The place with the two huge disco balls on the ceiling" "Attached to the giant, uncut disco cock." "Yes, I am familiar." "One time, at Bottoms Up, I went into the bathroom, and there were two guys just like peeing into each other's mouths." "Crossfire." "Charming." "Maybe next time?" "Next time." "For sure." "Hello?" "Hi, Sweetie!" "Hi, Dad!" "Is this a...bad time?" "No!" "Of course!" "Hi!" "." "Hi!" "I'm just cleaning up at home." "Oh, OK!" "Oh." "Was your apartment not clean?" "No, that's..." "I'm just tidying up." "Ah, OK." "Because, you know your aunt recommended this woman who comes by once a week." "Maybe you could hire someone like that once a month!" "That's a great idea, Dad." "We just can't really afford anything..." "like that." "OK." "Is Sam still uh..." "I don't mean to say "struggling," but struggling?" "Y'know, with work." "I mean, just your mother and I are..." "I know, Dad." "We thought he would be getting it together by now, and..." "Dad." "Taking care of you, honey that's all!" "First of all, Sam is doing great." "He has" "We have a plan." "There is a plan." "And he's just trying to do what he loves right now, which is really admirable." "Actually." "And he's just paying his dues right now." "Which is really admirable." "And second of all, I don't need him to take care of me." "I'm not an infant." "DAD:" "You're still my infant!" "And he does take care of me." "Not everything is about money, Dad." "Sweetie." "You have a very specific personality, and you need someone y'know, Sam, or not Sam." "You're" "You're very emotional." "You're very sensitive, sweetie." "I am not sensitive!" "Are...are you still seeing that doctor with the Jewish name?" "No, Dad." " How are you getting your" " Dad!" "I told you," "I had to stop seeing Dr. Abramowicz when Teach for America ended last year." " OK." " And I don't need that stuff anymore." "I'm fine." "I know that's hard to believe, but I'm actually fine." "OK, OK." "Sorry, Sweetie." "Your mother and I are" "Just, Dad, don't worry." "OK?" "It's ourjobto worry, Lees." "Well, now you know how it feels being unemployed, I guess." "Yeah, I..." "I don't even know what that means, um." "Look, I'm at the office, I should go, but" "I love you." "Love you too." "Bye." "Bye, Sweetie" "I have been on four coffee runs today." "I dropped off someone's dry cleaning twice." "Same person, same clothes." "I went to a florist, who cursed me out because hydrangeas aren't in season, and I actually thing hydrangeas are in season, and I wasn't even picking up hydrangeas!" "Then, I had to run, like actually physically run to the spa with the fish that chew on your feet in SoHo, because the EP thought she left her purse there." "But no!" " No?" " No, Sam!" "No!" "It turns out it was in her hotel room the whole time!" "Hahaha!" "Also, every time I went on a coffee run," "I drank a cup of coffee because I wasn't paying for it!" "Hahaha!" " Fuck!" "See you later." "I told them that you and I had to be out at 5:30 sharp for the baby shower at 6:00, but I didn't say it was for a baby shower," "I said it was for a funeral." "For my mother." "So, if anyone asks" " Have a good night, Simone!" " Ugh." "Begone!" "Hi!" "Hello!" " Are you my driver?" " Probably." "Oh, God." "This is a new level of luxury, huh?" "You'd think your assistant's assistant would be able to book you a car, but I guess not." "Where am I taking you?" "JFK." "Unless you want to drive me to Paris in this thing." "I hate to be that guy, but" "I just have to say my roommates and I are all really big fans." "Oh, you're so sweet!" "I thought you were straight for a second." "Hi, Steve." "No, I don't want to do that." "Smile." "You are so late that I want to murder you, but even I'm smiling, so smile." "Now." "OH MY GOD!" "SAM:" "Oh my God." "LADIES:" "Oh, wow!" "Blaire!" "LISA:" "Oh my God!" "Those are so cute!" "LADIES:" "Ohhh!" "LADIES:" "Precious!" "LADIES:" "Aww!" "LISA:" "Such a cute thing." " What is that?" " I have no idea." "Ladies:" "Aww!" "Ladies:" "Ohh!" "Ladies:" "So cute!" "ARI:" "Hooray!" "Oh my God!" "It's a tiny little hat!" "SHANNON:" "Thank you so much, everybody." "These are all so thoughtful." "You're very sweet." "Wait, that's only nine gifts, uh..." "Taylor?" "Go check Shannon's bedroom." "I'm sure we forgot one." "Oh, no, that's fine." "I think we got them all out of there." "I don't understand." "We...didn't bring a gift." "Sorry, Shannon." "SHANNON:" "Lisa, guys, that's fine!" "BLAIRE:" "You didn't bring a gift to a baby shower?" "What are you supposed to shower the baby with?" "SAM:" "The presents are for Shannon." "The baby doesn't give a fuck." "Sam." "Um, sorry." "Sorry, Shan." "We can't..." "We couldn't afford anything nice enough to bother." "Yeah." "ARI:" "Sort of like how you couldn't afford a haircut that makes you look like a human." "SHANNON:" "It's fine." "Really." "I have other cousins." "Oh, God!" "Honestly, she really did look like roadkill with that hair." "The boys are working nonstop this weekend." "They're just" " fraying at the edges a little." " Lisa, stop." "I'm glad you came." "And you can shower me with free babysitting when I push the little fucker out!" "OK?" "Deal?" "Deal." "Good." "Now let me watch you finish this bottle of wine so I can get contact drunk." "Yeah, I feel it." "Babe!" "I love you so fucking much." "ARI:" "Did you see those tips?" "Fuck bartending school." "You made someone a martini with tequila." "Is that not what a dirty martini is?" "What's dirtier than tequila?" "Hey." "Hey!" "What's up?" "Am I awake?" "What?" "Slap me." "Better?" "Yes." "Great, thank you!" "We're almost there." "We just have to survive Ghost Cheaters and we'll be fine." "We are never gonna survive this." "STEVEN:" "It's all right, Lola." "I know it's emotional." "Trust me." "Ignorance is not bliss." "I want you to look at something." "We spent the entire night here in the basement of this vintage clothing shop where you first met Charlie." "Waiting for some sort of sign, some sort of confession from the other side." "I'm Steven Stanley, and this is Ghost Cheaters." "OSCAR:" "One more time." "I'm Steven Stanley, and this is Ghost Cheaters." "I can't even with this shit." "Where's Dana?" "I'm alive!" "Don't put me in the hole!" " Uh." " What?" "Girl!" "Calm down." "I had to edit all that footage we shot the other night." "I haven't slept." "Is this The Matrix?" "Am I awake?" "Yes, Dana, we are awake." "Sadly." "OH!" "Oh, I knew it!" "I knew it!" "I bet it was that whore from his office." "She cried harder at the funeral than I did." "Just you wait." "Because we asked Charlie that very question." "LOLA:" "Oh my God, Charlie!" "Hey, where's Toby?" "I don't know." "I haven't seen him since yesterday." "ARI:" "Hmm." "He texted me from that party in the village, but I haven't heard from him since." "LOLA:" "Son of a bitch." "Has anyone ever told you you have great feet?" "Really?" "Thanks!" "They look good in heels, but mostly I just want to chop them off." "Next time I would say less salt." "Got it." "Or more salt." "I don't really cook, just..." "The salt was wrong." "Careful!" "A girl could get used to this much flattery!" "I've been watching Cat Cora's cooking show..." "To learn the secrets of lesbian cooking?" "Oh, is she gay?" "Come on." "Yeah, fine." "Anyway, I've been learning a thing or two." "She's great." "It's like cooking school for idiots and men and me." "Do all the dishes usually fit in here at once?" "Ancient lesbian dish-organization trick." "There must be some other show I should be watching." "I'll say!" "You're our target demographic." "STEVEN:" "Oscar!" "It was a pleasure working with you, sir." "Y'know, I think we really changed that woman's life!" "Do you, though?" "Maybe?" "I don't know!" "Do I really give a fuck?" "Y'know, Steve..." "Ah!" "Steven." "Steven." "I've been in this business a long time, but this is some dark shit right here." "Excuse me?" "I mean, we shot Wife Slap last week, the one where fiances punch each other for money." "But this bullshit I-can-communicate-with-your-dead-ex thing?" "Man, that is grim." "I kinda hope your head falls off." "Have the best day!" "Hey, Oscar?" "Have you seen Toby?" "Have you heard me yell at Toby lately?" "No." "There's your answer." "Toby!" "Hi." "If I had any energy left, that would've been really scary." "Have you been in the van all day?" "Pretty much." "Hung over?" "Or..." "Did you hear about the thing in..." "In the Village?" "Were you..." "No." "Well, I don't know." "What are your... what are you asking?" "I don't know." "I thought..." "I don't know what I thought." "I was just worried, is all." " All of this shit is so..." " I was like right there." "I heard the gunshots." "I thought they were like fireworks or something but they weren't." "There were all these cops." "I was trying to get drunk, but... it didn't-- didn't work for some reason." "I didn't know the guy, but..." "I was like right there, Ari." "God, I'm so sorry, Toby." "No, I don't want to..." "And I can't even... with this Ghost Cheaters shit, you know?" "It's just hideous." "Ghosts are not real, but Steven Stanley is." "And that is much scarier." "It's like every job I take is some kind of compromise, and" "I don't even know why anymore." "What do you do when you feel like you're losing the war?" "Sweetheart." "Little victories, y'know?" "Do you mean that?" "Jesus, yes!" "Come here!" "Thank God." "It's about fucking time." "Hoo boy." "I'm home!" "Who's home?" "ARI:" "Hi, honey!" "You survived!" "Amen." "Hi!" "What's up, uh..." "Hi, Toby!" "ARI:" "Not a word!" "Good night." "Hey, gorgeous." "Hey stranger." "How'd you do?" "Did good." "Sleep forever." "Missed you." "Miss you too." "OK."