"And you can kiss the playoffs good-bye again." "Now you want respect, go to Lambeau and beat the packers." "You're listening to Jack Madden filling in once more on the Ryan King show on K-ball." "I'm back!" "Hi." "Up next, Jets center Nick Mangold." "Steven, lady." "I'm back and better than ever." "Ryan, they said you called." "Jack?" "Jack Madden!" "You don't have to do this anymore." "I listened on the way in." "Not strong." "Let's go to my office, yeah?" "You're not supposed to be back yet." "I am fine." "I am ready to be back on the air." "I bursting with all new provocative takes on things." ""The Olympics, they've gotten too foreign."" ""Did he just say that?"" "He did just say that." "Buddy, you gotta deal with Janie." "You remember Janie, right?" "Sure, about yea high, completed me, doesn't come around much anymore." "Your wife died a month ago." "How could you be okay?" "I'll be okay as long as everyone else is cool, which means no more sad looks and no more flowers and no more sympathy cake." "It just occurs to me now there's no such thing as sympathy cake." "Margaret, happy 60th." "I know what this is about, and I love Margaret too, but there is no way she is only 60." "Look, corporate thinks, and I agree, that you need some help." "All right?" "Carrie, come in." "We put together a list of names, people you can talk to." "You're on his side?" "You work for me." "I am always on your side." "You are smart, and you're handsome." " What are you doing?" " I don't know." "Therapy?" "Group sessions?" "No, this is..." "It's not for me." "Look, I'm not gonna lie." "I have my bad days, but that's why I'm here." "This is where I feel like myself." "This is what I need." "Ten sessions, get the sheet signed, then you can come back." "Ten sessions... ten hours of talking about my feelings." " See, you know what I need?" " Feelings." "I'm just gonna sit in the back and listen to something." "Fill this up." "With what?" "Please." "You've heard them all so many times." "The Ryan King show!" " The Ryan King show." " The Ryan King show." "Welcome back the Ryan King show." "Still with me is Celtics star Kevin Garnett." "KG, thanks for sticking around." "My pleasure, man." "Anytime I'm on with you, it's a few minutes" "I'm guaranteed you're not slamming me." "Kev, you're the man, 14-time all-star, world champion." "So here's the question." "Who's the ugliest guy you've ever played with?" "Really, man?" "This is what you're doing in your spare time?" "The, uh, transitions group?" "Thank you, my Lord." "Hi, is this the group for, uh..." " Life change." " Life change, right." "So is it mainly for people who have just won the lottery, or...?" " Hello." " Hi." "Hi." "Okay." "Guys, Lauren's on the phone." "She's late, and she asked me to start." "Don't worry, Lauren." "I'll make you proud." "I can totally handle this." "My God." "There's a new person!" "Yeah, he heard that." "Sorry, Lauren." "Welcome." "Hello." "I'm Ryan." "I'm really just observing, so just pretend I'm not here." "That's certainly what I'll be doing." "Well, let's jump in." " Is everybody seated?" " Yeah." "Why do I feel like your life change involves wearing a suit of other people's skin?" "Who wants to start, to my right?" "It's Owen, George." "He's not gonna say anything." "For God's sakes, I'll start." "Tomorrow will be five months since Patricia's been gone." "Stop takes notes, right now." "I miss her snore." "I can't bring myself to sleep in our bed." "Five months on the couch, kids think I'm nuts." "You should be happy you have family." "I wish I did." "And be happy you have a bed." "The bank took mine." "Well, my stuff is a lot worse than yours." "Guys, stop." "You know Lauren says we shouldn't compare like this." "No, no, no." "Don't stop." "Sorry, it's just, that's the fun part." "Humans compete." "We like rankings." "The Dodgers are in fourth place." "Back in black is the third highest selling album of all-time." "Bradley Cooper's the sexiest man alive, because apparently People magazine has never heard of a Mr. Ryan gosling." "Be honest, when you sit here listening to someone else's problems, you may smile and nod, but he's right." "A big part of you is thinking," ""my thing's worse than your thing."" " Am I right?" " Look, new guy," "I don't know who you are, but yes." "Whose thing is the worst?" "Okay." "We're gonna figure it out." "What are you doing?" "We are gonna have a little contest to see who can bottom who." "I don't think Lauren would want us..." "Screw what Laura..." "It's Lauren, and she's been instrumental in my healing journey." " You frighten me." " Good." "Here are the brackets." "We've all made it to the tournament." "Congratulations." "Now, we're gonna go head-to-head." "You got five seconds to tell your sob story." "Winners advance, we go a couple of rounds, and we know once and for all who rules the land." "Are you in?" "We could call it "March sadness."" "Okay." "That's exactly what we're gonna call it." "Owen, I love you." "I just fell in love with you." "I know it's sudden." "You man the board." "Okay, we got an odd number of people." "Is anybody okay to sit out?" "I can." "I like to watch." "I'm sure you do." "Okay, go." "Big job, fiancee, friends, left it all to try to sing, failed." "It's like a sad haiku." "Okay, you, go." " Sir?" " I'm sorry." "Are you talking to me?" "It's hard for me to be sure as I've gone blind." "George is not messing around." "You, sir, are moving on." "Five seconds and go." "Okay, uh, I came home from work." "Pat was supposed to be there." "And the house was so quiet." "Two seconds." "I went up the stairs and down the hallway..." " Time." " She died." "She's dead." "Her heart exploded because she wouldn't" " take her stupid pills." " Sorry." "You've been disqualified." "Clock management is key, people." " Yours to lose." " No!" "I can't lose to this." "Three seconds." "My cat died." "On a technicality, feline death beats human one, our first upset." "What a Cinderella story." "That was her name." "Cinderella was her name." "Jeez." "Look, my friends think I should be here, but I'm fine." "He's not fine." "He's in total denial." "Five seconds." "I came back from deployment, and there was my wife with the new baby." " Okay, so you missed the birth?" " And the conception." "Danny, your wife and her lover have sent you" " into the final four." " Neat." "I haven't seen a sunset in 20 years." "Megan Fox?" "I'm told she's attractive." "I wouldn't know." "And her friends here too." "Well, if Don's Spanish is any good, and I have no reason to believe that it is, that is a heartbreaking story." "I'm sorry." "You're out." "Okeydokey." "Fun game." "Okay, George, your blindness has carried you to the final four, but I think there's more to your game." "What else you got for us?" "Diabetes, arthritis, had a stroke, three heart attacks." "George is going to the finals." "Sonia, I'm sorry." "But you're still young." "A lot of bad stuff is gonna happen to you." "You'll be back." "You can't see that." "Fausta, this is it, baby." "Sciatica, shingles, hernia." "Broke my hip, lost my toe." "This hand doesn't work." "I heard muertos, and I think the words for "father,"" ""brother," and "slippers."" "We have a winner." "It's me!" "I win!" "Yes!" "It's all over." "Her bright and shining moment!" "You lose." "You lose." "You lose." "You lose." "Hi." "Lauren, is it?" "I have a sheet I'm gonna need you to sign." "Why don't we welcome our new and very spirited friend Ryan?" " Welcome, Ryan." " Welcome." "Now, about what I witnessed when I arrived, we try not to compare experiences here." "Why do we have that rule?" "Because to do so would suggest that one person's experience is more or less valid than another's." "Thank you, Yolanda." "And, Fausta, any time you wanna take that off..." "Take it off." "Can you appreciate that, Ryan?" "Why we would have that rule?" " Sure." " Thank you, Ryan." " I honor that." " Thank you." "And thanks for saying my name so much." "It's weird, but nice." "It's important to laugh." "But it's also important to cry," " to sing, to dance..." " To swim." "Less so." "What do humor and armor have in common, Ryan?" "They were both involved in the great rubber chicken war of 1983?" "All right." "No, actually, they both deflect pain away from our vulnerable places." "But we are here to embrace, not deflect." "Why don't we all do that?" "Okay, why don't we embrace ourselves and fold ourselves in a nice, big hug?" "Now at the sound of the gong," "I would like you all to..." "I want the top five in order." "Man, come on." "I mean," "I'm not the cutest guy on the court myself." "That's insanity, KG." "In fact, I'd guess whatever planet you're from, you're the best-looking one there." "All right, we have a wide variety of experience here, but today, I would like us to focus on our commonality." "Now that you're all paired up," "I'd like you to find three words that express your shared experience." "Listen, I'm just here to get my sheet signed, so if you choose to talk, don't be afraid" "I'm gonna make you go deep or anything." "Ryan, did you have time to look over the rules" "I shared with you last week?" "I did have time to do that, yes." "Great." "What do you want to talk about?" "N... no one else seems to be holding hands." "No." "No, thank you." "I don't like this." "Anne, everything happens for a reason." "Say another man hadn't impregnated my wife," "I would've never met you great people." "You're a ing idiot, you know that?" "Anything with a pet and a toilet in it," "I find very funny." "Is it just me?" "It is just you, yes." "Don't get us into trouble." "Keep it sad." "Here's my favorite." "You know you can type in an address on Google, and a picture will come up?" "Well, there's this special car that drives around, it's got this big camera thing on top of it, taking pictures of each street." "Well, sometimes, people see the car, chase it, and do really weird stuff." "It'll end up on the site, so check out these two weirdos in Norway." "They dressed up like idiots and ran behind the car." "Are they wearing scuba gear?" "Yeah, like, holding pitchforks." " It's funny, right?" " So funny." "Yeah, my brother sent this to me, like, the day before his accident." "My big brother..." "Skiing..." "He's in a coma." "His brain's, like, gone." "I've got some other stuff in here that's pretty funny." "Yeah, yeah." "Okay, with the time we have left," "I would like to hear from some of you." "Ryan?" "What were your three words?" "Excuse me?" "Your three words." "The exercise." " My three?" " With Owen." "Our three?" "Okay." "Okay." "Well, the... the first word, it's, uh, me and Owen, so it's pretty obvious what that's gonna be." "I'm not gonna bore you with that one." "The second word, that may surprise you." "It's "pineapple."" "Rather not say why." "Ryan, do you respect what we're doing here?" "Doesn't matter what I think." "Yes, it does." "It's safe space." "Please tell us." "All right, I think this is all kind of dumb." "The talking, the wallowing..." "It keeps you from getting on with your life." "Look, the Boston Red Sox hadn't won a championship in 86 years." "People spent their entire lives obsessing over the past season, moaning about the curse." "By 2004, they figured it out." "They didn't need to wallow, they needed to hire Theo Epstein, take a bunch of steroids, and win." "Anne." "You're a cool, very angry lady." "Does all the talking help?" "Why not try boxing?" "When was the last time you hit someone?" " It's been a while." " Exactly." "Danny, you got screwed over, but you're a good-looking guy." "When was the last time you had sex with a woman?" "And was she, by any chance, black?" "Don't help me." "Just don't." "I'm just saying, enough talk." "Go do something!" "And with that, we should all go do something." "This is the end of our session." "I'll see you all next week." "Be well." "Ms. Lauren, you forgot to sign my sheet!" "Sorry, can't sign that." "Hello, hi, how are you?" "Please sign my thing." "I need to get back to work." "I see your needs differently." "You must get it out." ""Grief must be witnessed to be healed."" "It's Elizabeth Kubler-Ross." ""Sign my thing."" "Okay, Ryan, there is something growing inside of you, and if you don't handle it, it's gonna come out, probably violently and at the worst possible time." "You will, quite simply, explode." "Look, I'm sure you know your stuff." "You're, like, what, a licensed therapist?" " But even so..." " I'm not, actually." "Okay, fine." "But you're qualified for the work though, right?" "You've been through some big life change yourself?" "My personal experience is not really the issue here, so..." "See you next week." "And you're in my car." "I'm in your car." "What exactly qualifies you to tell people anything?" "I have been involved in outreach and self-realization for almost a decade." "That sounds almost as meaningless as "transitions,"" "a group for mind, for life change, and the journey of the wonderment..." "Stop adding things." " Of wondering." " Stop it." "I have led groups, and I have helped thousands of people in a well-renowned, international outreach program." " Called?" " Wh...?" "Lauren." "Weight watchers." "Are you serious?" "This is the person that's gonna tell me how to get through my loss?" "You have no training, and the only thing that you yourself have ever lost is 30 pounds." "40 pounds!" "And I kept it off!" "Yeah, it's good." "They flew me places to give speeches." "I was consulted when they changed the points program." "No points for fruit." "That was me." "That was you." "But I wanted to spread my wings and help all different kinds of people, and now I do." "Okay, I know what they need." "I am great with people." "I have a gift!" "You've done wonders with the kid with the brother in a coma." "Wait, Ryan." "Do you mean Owen?" "Did he talk to you about his brother?" "Yeah." "That's huge!" "He has been coming here for two months." "He hasn't said anything." "Has he lost any weight?" "It is so easy to mock me and what we do here." "You know what's hard, what takes courage?" "Opening up." "I would sign your thing if you had shared one little bit of information about your loss..." "Your wife's name, how you met her," " how you lost her." " All right, fine, fine!" "You need me to talk?" "I'll talk." "She got this blood disease," "Salamone's." "One day she was sick, and the next day she was gone." "She's the only girl I ever loved, and now she's gone." "Look, I'm sure what you do is right for some people, but for me, I need to get back to my life." "Please, just sign my sheet." "You can say that I did all ten sessions." "I believe you want to help, so please, help." "Okay." "You're done." " Thank you." " Thank you." "That was brave." "It wasn't brave." "It was." "It wasn't..." "True." "Which part?" "The whole thing." "I made it up." "Salamone's isn't a disease." "It's a restaurant right over there." "I keyser soze'd you." "I really need to get back to work." "Okay." "Take care, Ryan." "I'm doing you a favor." "You don't want a guy who does that in your group." "You're a very nice lady!" "I'm gonna send you all my sad friends!" "Well, listen, Terrell," "I want to talk to you about your time in the indoor football league." "Can you stick around?" "Just don't ask me which one of my teammates are ugly." "All right, well, where we'll return, Terrell Owens will discuss which one of his teammates he finds to be the most attractive." "Great segment, buddy." "Thanks for having me." " We're clear." " It's good to be back." "What have you got there?" "Flowers, baskets." "Things people sent you that you wouldn't want." "Well, great first day back." " You were unbelievable." " Thank you." "No, I mean, say that to me." "Right." "So good, I promise." "You think so?" "Better than last..." "Idiot!" "You!" " Wait a..." " Terrell!" "Get off your phone!" "Stop it!" "Dude, is this a joke?" " Are you crazy?" " Stop texting!" "You're gonna kill someone!" "I know exactly who I'm gonna kill." "You gonna hit me?" "Be careful!" "You might get thrown out of the indoor unemployment bunny rabbit league!" "Come on, you want some of this?" "Come on, I..." "What are you doing?" "How strong are you?" "Let me go!" "Stop it, I'm all right." "I'm all right." "Throwing oranges at the car!" "This ain't the freeway!" "What is wrong with you?" "He is football player!" "Okay, I only got one holder." "That's really insulting." "That's a shameful waste of fruit." "You, uh, you okay?" "You just kind of exploded." "Every night, the same telemarketer calls, asks for Patricia." "I'm sorry, she's still dead, but be sure and check back tomorrow night." "God." "I'm here." "Sorry I'm late." "I know, rule nine." "I'll..." "I'll get better." "Thanks, Danny." "I'm surprised to see you." "It was a car accident." "She was texting." "Janie, that was..." "That's her name." "She was driving, not fast, but at that moment..." "and it couldn't wait..." "She needed to tell me to buy a bag of coffee, so at least it was important." "She ran a stop sign." "The guy was coming." "And that was it." "She was the only girl I ever loved." "That part was true." "I don't know how to do this." "You're doing fine." "She was..." "I know we're not supposed to interrupt..." "Rule seven..." "But is it okay if I interrupt myself?" "Owen." "Check out the car at the light." "No interrupting is rule ten, actua..." "What's going on?" "Google man!" "Hello?" "Ryan, we were kind of in the middle of a session." "Totally hear you, but we're doing some good work here." "Very healthy." "I'm afraid this could take a while, such is the magnitude of the progress." "It's just that these people would really like their stuff..." "Okay, gotta go." "Ryan?"