"Here he is!" "Have you forgotten?" " Forgotten what?" "The mountain." " Course I ain't forgotten." "You and me up Brokeback Mountain." "You haven't seen Brokeback Mountain, have you?" "No." "How did you know that?" " Just a guess." "You're not going to climb Benidorm's tallest mountain like that?" " No." "I'm gonna climb it like this." "(LAUGHS)" "Seriously, though, you're gonna go up a mountain in just flip-flops?" "Course I'm not gonna go up the mountain in just flip-flops!" "OK." "Good." "Right." "Let's do this!" "Mate, we're gonna be out in the sun all day long." "We need food, sun cream." "You need a T-shirt." "Mate, we ain't going up there for a picnic." "It's us against Mother Nature." "We is gonna be like Barbeque Grills." "Do you mean Bear Grylls?" "I don't know." " I'm serious." "We need proper clothing, a bit of food and plenty of water." "Go and get dressed." "I'll nick some grub from the breakfast bar and you get the aguas in." "Is that a problem?" "Nah, mate, no problem." "You get the food." "I'll get the aguas in." "All right, sweet." "See you in reception in ten minutes." "Cool." "Tige, remember..." "If you need me, call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far." "What?" "Just call my name." "I'll be there in a hurry." "On that you can depend." "And never worry." "♪ Cos there ain't no mountain high enough" "♪ Ain't no valley low enough" "♪ To keep me from getting to you-oo-oo!" "All I'm saying is don't mention anything about last night, son." "Don't mention anything?" "I thought we could say we've decided to go home early because I left the gas on." "Mother, if you'd left the gas on for three days, we'd have no home to go back to." "I just don't want to embarrass her." "Embarrass HER?" "I was the one who had to peel her off that bloke at reception at four o'clock this morning singing Sexual Healing." "What were you singing that for?" " Not me, HER!" "Here she comes." "Good morning." "Didn't expect to see you till this afternoon." "Why ever not?" "We may be on holiday, but that's no excuse for lethargy." "It's no excuse for straddling the night porter while singing Marvin Gaye either." "That's not fair, Pauline, not if he was gay." "I admit, it wasn't my finest hour." "But let's not get carried away." "A little holiday spirit is expected when one is on vacation." "Yeah?" "You've drank more holiday spirit than the rest of the hotel put together." "A momentary lapse." "I can assure you I no longer have a drink problem." "No, love, it's everyone around you ends up with the problem." "I think we just have to admit you're not in the right place to enjoy Benidorm at the moment." "Well, where is the right place?" "No, I'm saying Pauline's not in the right space in her head." "Well, that makes even less sense." "Pauline, Geoff and I have decided to cut the holiday short." "If you're not enjoying yourselves, there's no point you staying." "For ALL of us." " What?" "We're taking you home, Pauline." "For your own sake." "Absolute rubbish." "I'm just getting into my stride." "Ah, yes, if you please?" "One very small large vodka and orange and a..." "Excuse me, where are you going?" "You, sir, have the manners of a armyard fanimal." "A farmyard animal!" "Nobody will serve you, love." "We're all going home." "We can't go home." "We're booked till the end of the week." "We've already changed the flights." " What?" "To when?" "When are we leaving?" "(SIGHS)" "Go and pack your stuff, love." "Excuse me." "You weren't thinking of taking THAT food out of the hotel, were you?" "No, I was just using this bag to carry everything back to my table." "Yes." "I'm afraid you're going to have to put everything back at once, thank you." "Ah, but the thing is" "I'm climbing a mountain with my friend Joey today." "I don't care if you're digging a hole to China with David Yip." "All food is to be consumed on the premises." "(GROANS)" "Who's David Yip?" "♪ MUZAK" "Welcome to The Solana." "How can I help?" "Hola." "I need your help." " That's why I'm here, pal." "I am in great need of a man." "Oh, I see." "Well, it's a bit early, but you could always try the Pink Trombone in the Old Town." "Mind you, it doesn't get busy till they open the finger buffet at one o'clock." "Listen to me." "I look for a man here!" "I am sorry." "I travel far." "I am tired." "Look, I'm not sure I can help you, pal." "This man, he work here." "Oh, I see." "Well, why didn't you say so?" "Well, if you describe him, I might know him." "OK, he has the black hair, tan for the skin and he is - how you say?" " a simple man." "Can you be a bit more specific?" "He is Spanish." "Oh, well, that doesn't really narrow it down very much, pal." "He has the name Mateo." "Can I ask what this is about?" "I cannot say." "It is a private matter between me and Mateo." "Right." "As entertaining as this has been, I've got work to do." "Why don't you go and wait at the pool bar through there?" "And I'll go and see if I can find Mateo." "If you see him, you tell him it is a matter of life and death." "Do you understand?" "I think I do." "Bloody hell." "There you go, one beer." " Thanks, love." "Has anyone told you how pretty you are?" "No, you're the first one ever." "You on the beers already?" "It's only ten o'clock." "Is it?" "Thought it were later." "It's five to ten." " Oh, aye." "Excuse me, love, just top that up with lemonade, will you?" "All the way to the top?" "No, just a dash." "Don't drown it." "Dad, me and Sheron have been talking." "Oh, aye?" " Yeah." "And I know she's been a bit resistant to the idea, but she's reconsidered and she's happy for you to move in with us." "Oh, she's seen the error of her ways, then?" " Yeah." "No, no!" "Don't say that in front of her." "It takes a big woman to admit she were wrong." "I don't mean fat." "I mean..." "Dad, for God's sake, don't mess this up." "It were her that messed it up, telling me I couldn't live with you." "There you go." " Thanks, love." "There is one condition on you moving in." "I knew the Ice Queen would thaw eventually." "No woman can resist the Dawson charm for very long." "Apart from lesbians. (CHUCKLES)" "I'm not a magician." "Dad, will you listen to me, please?" "You don't know what this means to me, son." "I can't bear the thought of living alone any more." "I need a house full of life, full of love." "I need my family back." "Now, what were you saying about a condition?" "Oh, it were nothing." " It must have been something." "No, no, it were just... erm..." "No ladies after ten o'clock." " Not a problem." "I'm more of an afternoon delight kind of man anyway." "(SIGHS) Please, Tige." "No more." "Please, I can't take it." "Mate, I can literally still see the bus." "Please, we need to rest." "I'm not an athlete." "(GROANS)" "I can't feel my legs!" "Seriously." "I'm not even joking." "I can't feel anything in my legs." "Ow!" "All right, I can feel a bit." "Come on, what happened to us against Mother Nature?" "No offence, but Mother Nature's a bitch." "Come on!" "Would Barbeque Grills sit here moaning or would he climb the mountain?" "Oh, my God!" "There's a barbeque at the top?" "Now you're talking!" "Hey." "Thanks for agreeing to wear the uniform, Kenneth." "No worries." "And thank you for letting me make a few adjustments." "What did I say?" "It's all about compromise." "(KNOCK ON DOOR)" "Hi, Jacqueline." "You all right?" "No." "Well, yes." "I've got a date tonight with a man." "And I need your advice." "Jacqueline, I don't mean to sound rude, but your experience with men is even greater than mine." "Who's the lucky fella?" " Troy, for goodness sake, like we don't know." "They were wrestling each other to the ground around that pool." "No, we were not!" "He just rubbed a bit of suntan cream on my back." "And in Neptune's he was rubbing the creases of his trousers, while you played with your bubble and squeak." "I honestly can't remember - what does he look like?" "He looks a bit like a drunken, sunburnt Santa Claus on holiday." "You'd better make sure you don't end up on his naughty list, eh?" "(GIGGLES)" "And make sure he wraps his present before he shoves down your chimney!" "What?" "Come on..." "Why aren't you answering your phone?" "Is everything OK?" " I am sleeping in the place I work." "Of course everything is not OK." "You've stayed here loads of times before." "You never complained." "Yeah, but that is when I am sleeping with a guest." "It is different if you are paying for this rubbish yourself." "Why don't you get a proper place?" "With what, Les, hm?" "My wife, she take everything." "She leave me with nothing." "Your shift's in half an hour, but I came to tell you - there's a Spanish fella downstairs looking for you." "For me?" "What does he look like?" "Leather waistcoat, slick black hair, seemed quite aggressive." "What did he say?" "He said he wants to see you and it's a matter of life and death." "Madre mia!" " What's going on?" "Come in, Les." "I tell you." "I think the fan has finally hit on the shit." "Mate, mate, can we stop?" "Oh, not again!" "We're stopping every five minutes." "No, Tige, you don't understand." "This time I need the toilet." "Go on, then." " Well, where is it?" "Where's what?" "The toilet." "You go straight up this path, and it's the first on your left." "Cheers." "Where are you going, you muppet?" "Just go anywhere!" "Oh, cool, yeah." "Hang on a sec." "(URINATES)" "(RELIEVED SIGH)" "What on earth do you think you're doing?" "Nothing major, bruv." "Just having a slash." "Did you actually take the time to look at the place that you're fouling?" "Easy, mate, he ain't a dog." "I'm not your mate." "Look!" "This is the memorial plaque of the late Antonio Guardez." "The finest mountaineer in Spanish history." "He can't be that great if he's late all the time." "Well said, bruv." " Thanks, Tige." "I'll wait until you've washed your hands." "Fair point, bruv." "It means he's dead." "I will not have his memory soiled by a couple of execrable yahoos." "I am the tourist liaison officer to Benidorm, and the amount of obnoxious, loutish behaviour for which I have to apologise is insurmountable." "Why can't you just behave, you people, for once?" "We're climbing a mountain." "We ain't hurting anyone." "Well, I'm reporting you." "Who to?" "The piss police?" "(LAUGHS)" "Come on, bruv, let's bounce." "We've got a mountain to climb." " Innit!" "Wait there." "I want both of your names." "Where are you going?" "I am making a citizen's arrest." "Come back here at once." "That's him there." "Hostia!" "It is him." "Are you sure?" "You can't see his face." "I do not need to see his face." "This is my brother-in-law." "People call him the Axeman." "Why do they call him the Axeman?" "He is very excellent at the guitar." "Oh." "And once he killed a man with an axe." "Bloody hell." "But why is he after you?" "I brought shame on the family of my wife." "This is why I moved to Madrid." "I thought I could slip back to Benidorm and lie on the low, but someone must have done a dirty on me." "You got anywhere to go?" "No, I do not." "But I must accept, now that Maria's family have caught up with me, this is now my life with the runs." "I think you mean 'on the run'." "Les, the man is an axe murderer." "I know what I am saying." "Hasta luego." "Listen, Sheron." "I just wanted to say thank you." "Oh, that's OK." "You know, for finally coming to your senses." "We can all act a bit childishly from time to time, but it's nice to see you've decided to grow up a bit." "I really appreciate it." "You're welcome, Eddie." "And you're happy with the condition?" "I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I don't want to rock the boat." "Thank you." " Not after ten o'clock anyway!" "(CHUCKLES)" "That's it." "Nice one, Jodie." "You'll be swimming in no time." " Let go." "I want to swim on my own." "Are you sure?" " Yeah." "Hey!" "Amazing!" "Don't go too far!" "She's a natural!" "Yeah." "The fact that she's wearing so many inflatables it would take a nuclear bomb to sink her has nothing to do with it." "Oh, can I get another lemonade?" " Yeah, sure." "Are you not on the beer like everyone else?" "No, I'm..." "Under age?" " Not a big drinker." "I'm 23." " Really?" "You don't look it." "I say it's embarrassing, but my dad says I'll appreciate it in years to come." "Cheers." "So you're not on a big boozy Benidorm holiday?" "Nah, I can do that anytime." "I like spending time with my family." " That's nice." "And you've got your little sister to look after." " Yeah." "As you know, my grandad keeps trying to kill her, so it keeps me on my toes." "It was a joke." "(LAUGHS)" "I didn't want to ask if she was your sister." "Sounds nosey." "Big age gap." "She wasn't really planned, but sometimes life's little surprises turn out to be just what we're looking for." "Hey, come back here, you!" "Breathe it in, Joey." "Do you know what that is?" "It's either Ferrari or David Beckham." "Eh?" "My aftershave - I can't remember which one I put on." "No, mate," "I am talking about the sweet smell of success." "Oh, that!" "Yeah, sweet as!" "(LAUGHS)" "Right..." "We've earned this." "Is that all you got?" "Sorry, man, they made me put back all the breakfast stuff." "Mmm." "Nice, good." "Mmm." "Mmm." "Water." "I need water." "Yeah, go on, I'll have one as well." "What do you mean 'go on'?" "You said you'd get the water." "No, I didn't." "I was getting the food." "You were getting the water." "No, you said you were getting the food and supplies." "Bruv, I was supposed to get the food." "I asked YOU to get the aguas in." "Yeah, I got that." "I got them from the chemist." "Oh, my God." "I assumed they were mountain climbing pills or something." "Stop talking, Joey, please." "Just stop talking." "I need a little quiet time." "Hang on, look!" "Mate, we're really sorry about earlier, but we've got no water." "Please, can we borrow some of yours?" "So you can urinate on another hero's tomb?" "Hardly think so." " Please, sir!" "We'll do anything." "Just one little drop of water!" "I've just done a whole bag of ready salted, and I'm like... (DRY, RASPING GROAN)" "Sorry, gentlemen, but if I help you now, you'll never learn, will you?" "Please, sir!" "Please, sir!" "Pleeeeeeaaasse!" "Good day." "NO!" "(REVERBERATES)" "(CHILDREN SQUEALING AT PLAY)" "To the first day of the rest of your life." "Oh, I hope not." "She had terrible cradle cap on the first day of her life." "She looked like she'd been rubbed down with a yard brush." "I don't mean that." "What I mean is - it's a rebirth, a renaissance." "You're not saying much, Pauline." "That call I made in the taxi, it was to my sponsor." "I didn't know you were being sponsored." "Maybe we should've walked here." "Not a sponsored walk." "She's in a recovery programme." "You're in a programme?" "!" "They've not been filming us, have they?" "I'd have put a bit of lippy on." "Oh, for God's sake!" "Is there any wonder" "I've been bulldozed into a relapse, listening to this unremitting gibberish all day?" "!" "I'm sorry, Pauline..." "I just get confused." "No need to be sorry, Mam." "If anyone has an apology to make, then it's Pauline." "As I was saying," "I've spoken to my sponsor and she agrees that I shou..." "WE should leave Benidorm." "I have been reintroduced to my higher power and I would like you to know that I regret any harm or upset I may have caused and hope we can move on." "I'm that proud of you, Pauline." "Excellent philosophy." "One I subscribe to myself, actually." "Once the tide has gone out, that ship has sailed." "To moving forward, with all our lives." "(MUGS CLINK)" "Hello, Geoff." "Rubella!" "Hello, love." "Fancy seeing you here." "(LIFT DINGS)" "Er, excuse me." "Where are you going?" "Sorry, Miss Temple-Savage." "I tried to find you, but I need to go to the doctor's." "Mateo!" "I have been lied to by men for most of my adult life." "I can smell a rat a mile away." "You can smell a rat one mile away?" "!" "It's a saying." " Do you want me to move the rat, while I am at the doctor?" " Get back to work." "If you go out of that door, consider yourself sacked." "Do you understand that?" "Yes, Miss Temple-Savage." "Put your badge on." "(BIRDS CALL)" "(MOANS)" "Come on, bruv, you're doing well." "My mou i... o... rye." "I can't understand a word you're saying." "Mah mou!" "Mah-mah?" "What does that mean?" " Not mah-mah!" "Mah mouh i... o... rye." "Mate, I don't wanna keep talking." "My mouth is really dry." "(FRUSTRATED SQUEAL)" "Oh, my God!" "There's a rucksack on the ground." "It might have water in it." "It's one of those water bottle things!" "(HOARSE SHOUT)" "Here you go, bruv, you first." "Oh, gee, that's better." "There you go, mate." "That's it, Tige." "Get it down you, bruv." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Is anyone there?" "I'm down here!" "Help!" "Help!" "Oh, thank goodness!" "Salvation." "Could you get my rope?" "It's in the rucksack." "I think I may have broken my ankle." "You see the thing is if we help you now, you'll never learn, will you?" "Come on, Joey." "Hang on a minute, bruv." "All that water - I think I need another wee." "Would you mind, bruv?" "Certainly." "What?" "No!" " (BOTH CACKLE)" "Jokes!" "♪ My acres of a land" "♪ That I've achieved" "♪ It may be hard for you" "♪ To stop and believe" "♪ But for you, ooh" "♪ You, ooh, I'd leave it all ♪" "You're in a good mood." "Well, I've got the sun, a good book, a cold drink, music." "What else do I need?" "I know why you're in a good mood." " Oh, yeah?" "Go on, then." "Because you were talking to that girl." "Wahey!" "Go on, my son!" " Shut up." "The girl at the bar?" " We were just talking." "Her name's Amber." "She likes you." "How do you know her name and how do you know she likes me?" "Because she's not daft." "She takes after her mother." "Don't you, darling?" "Nice one, Roberto!" "Oh, can you all just shut up?" " Well, that's a relief." "What is?" " We all thought you were a bit... light in the loafers." "Light in my what?" " All that reading, dying your hair, poncing about." "I've never dyed my hair." "You want to get in there like a rat up a drainpipe." "Hang about, and that greasy Spaniard she works with will be going through her like a dose of salts." "Oh!" "Do you mind?" "!" "I'm squiring a young lady this evening." "Maybe we could double-date." " You're doing what to a young lady?" "I haven't got a date." "Just leave me alone." "Now look what you've done!" "Who are you going on a date with?" "That old trollop he was rubbing sun cream into yesterday." "I'm a single man, Sheron." "I'll rub sun cream into whoever I like." "Right." "Time to syphon the python and then I'm going to get myself a bit of Dutch courage for tonight." "You have told him about the condition of him staying with us, haven't you?" "Yes, of course I have." "Are you feeling OK, mate?" "For the last time, I am not your mate." "And, no, I am far from OK." "You imbeciles might as well have dragged me down the mountain by my rope." "God knows the additional damage you've done to my ankle." "Is this guy for real?" "Llevame al hospital... rapido rapido." "Oh, careful." "Oh, mister." "Here you go." "Take these." "Why on earth would I take these?" "For the pain." "(SNIGGERS)" "Animals!" "Disgusting animals!" "Careful, careful." "Cuidado." "Poco poco." "Why was she laughing at me?" "Cos it looks like you've bought the Spanish version of Viagra, mate." "What?" "!" "You are joking me!" " Nope!" "I thought the guy in the chemist looked at me funny." "I bought four boxes and said" "I was going up Brokeback Mountain with my best mate!" "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Cheers, pal." "Honestly, he's not here and he won't be back any time soon." "It is strange how this hotel seems to run without any staff at all." "Look, I think the best thing to do is leave a contact number, and if Mateo turns up I'll get in touch, OK?" "Listen to me, I know he is here, OK?" "Julio!" " Mateo!" "Les, why did you not tell me my dear friend Julio is here to visit?" "But I thought you said..." " We worked together in Madrid." "It is good to see you, brother." "So what brings you to Benidorm?" " I come to visit my mother in Albir." "But I bring you sad news." "Senora Ana Garcia, she has passed to the other side." "Senora Garcia?" "My heart is breaking to hear this, Julio." "Who's this, then?" " Senora Garcia - she was a very old resident at the hotel in Madrid." "A fine woman." " The finest." "She knew she was dying - she left cards for all the hotel staff." "An amazing woman." "Thank you, Julio." "Don't lose it, eh?" "There is 100 euros inside." "She gave this to all the workers, a final tip." "Ah, a generous woman." "And - how you say?" " insatiable." "On Mondays and Tuesdays we go to the cinema," "Wednesday to the bowling alley," "Thursday a classical music concert and Fridays we go to the ice rink." "You certainly get around town." "No, all of these things are in our home." "You've got an ice rink in your house?" "Do not be silly, Geoffrey!" "It is in one of our outbuildings." "Yeah, of course." "It's good to see you're happy, Ionela." "(SIGHS) Geoffrey..." "If only this were true." "But you've got everything you ever wanted." "A rich husband." "Well, that's it." "A rich husband." "But I still do not have a family." "A mother who loves me, a drunk, aggressive sister to protect me." "I never said she was a drunk." "I am sorry, you are right." "Those were not your words." "You said 'raging alcoholic'." "Did I?" "These simple things you have, they are my heart's desire, more than any diamonds, limousines, surround-sound 3D home-cinema system with reclining leather chairs." "And an ice rink." "But you could have all of these, Ionela." "You could have all of these things." "How?" "How can these things be mine, Geoffrey?" "Get on a plane with us, tonight." "What?" "Why not?" "It's worth a shot, isn't it?" "Look, I can see you're not happy." "Why not take the chance?" "But..." "We don't have a bowling alley in our basement, lonela." "We don't even have a basement." "We don't have a home cinema." "But there's an Odeon just around the corner, that does two-for-one on Wednesdays." "What do you say?" "Geoff, I..." "You have to listen to your heart, Ionela, not your head." "Our flight leaves at ten o'clock tonight." "Take the day to think about it." "You know where I'll be." "♪ I SECOND THAT EMOTION" "♪ Oh, little girl, in that case" "♪ I don't want no part" "♪ I do believe that that would only break my heart" "♪ Oh, if you feel like loving me... 17, 18... 18.50." "It's not really enough to go into Benidorm, mate." "Looks like we're stuck in here for the rest of the holiday." "I can't believe it, man." "We climb Brokeback Mountain, and we have to celebrate in this place." "Mate, how many times?" "Brokeback Mountain is not in Benidorm." "All right, where is it?" "It ain't anywhere." "Brokeback Mountain is a movie about two gay cowboys." "What?" "!" " For real." "Well, I think one of them is gay, but the other one gets a bit jiggy with him in their tent." "You've seen it?" "Mate, you got something you want to tell me?" "No!" "Don't be an idiot." "Everybody's seen it." "I ain't." "Mate, I know you ain't gay, but if you're just a bit greedy, no problems, bruv." "I've got an uncle whose wife is Lebanese." "Your uncle's wife is Lebanese?" " Yeah." "So what?" "Exactly, man!" "That don't make her a bad person." "This is 2014, bruv!" "It's 2015." "Is it?" "(APPLAUSE)" "♪ I second that emotion ♪" "♪ YOU'RE MORE THAN A NUMBER IN MY LITTLE RED BOOK" "♪ Oooooooooo!" "♪ Yeah" "♪ You're more than a number in my little red book" "♪ You're more than a one-night date..." "Yeah, it's a real shock to suddenly become single again at our age." "Oh, you can say that again." "It's been over six months, but I can't get used to waking up and not have that special someone to the left of me." " Yeah." "And Donald to the right of me." "I've got to admit," "Mary and I had separate beds for t'last 38 years." " How many years were you married?" "39." "Aw." "I used to like to go out to t'pub, whereas Mary were a home bird." "And I didn't want to wake her coming home stinking of booze." "I always used to say," "'If I'm not in bed by midnight, I'm going home.'" "(CHUCKLES)" "Jacqueline, am I getting t'wrong signals here?" "It sounds like you and your late husband led quite an adventurous lifestyle." "We were swingers." "Did I not mention it?" "No." "But I kind of got the impression." "Did you and Mary not have much of a sex life?" "Don't mind us." "This is fascinating." "♪ You're more than a one-night stand" "♪ In case you get to thinkin'" "♪ That you'd been took..." "Thank you very much." "Please call again." "♪ In my little red book..." "Mateo, we need to talk about your living arrangements." "You can arrange for me a better room?" "I'm afraid not." "It's against company policy for staff to stay on the premises." "I didn't mind you bedding down while you got settled, but I can't keep up your heavily discounted rate." "I understand." "You owe us 96 euros for your stay." "But I'll take it out of your next pay cheque." "No." "No problem." "I have the money." "What is this?" " 100 euros." "And I need my four euros change." "(GASPS)" "Mateo, this isn't 100 euros." "Oh, she give me a cheque." "OK, take the money from my salary." "No, no, no, no!" "I mean, it's a lot more than 100 euros." "Ostia!" "10,000 euros." "Somebody obviously likes you." "Senora Garcia!" " Who?" "She was a resident from The Hotel Rio in Madrid." "In English she say," "'Mateo, you were always my favourite." "Your handsome face, your kind - how you say?" " service and the best ass in all of Spain." "If only I had been 30 years more young." "Senora Garcia.' 30 years younger?" "How old was she?" "Maybe close to 100." " (GASPS)" "But she still knew a good ass when she saw one." "♪ More than a number" "♪ Written in my little red book ♪" "Thank you." " (CHEERING)" "(WHOOPS)" "This place ain't so bad, mate!" "I might have to treat you to a bit of Ed Sheeran later." "Shit!" " All right, easy, man!" "How about Flo Rida?" "No, look!" "Oh, my God!" "He must have got our fingerprints off his water thingy, then got a lab to run it through his tourist computer and then checked it with every hotel in Benidorm!" "Or he just looked at our wristbands." "Evening, gentlemen." "Hi, mate, you all right?" " Not really, no." "I've spent the entire evening in hospital, thanks to you two." "It ain't our fault you broke your ankle." " No, it wasn't." "But it was thanks to both of you that I made it to hospital." "Yeah, well, it ain't our fault if..." "Wait." "That's a good thing, yeah?" "Indeed it is." "Which is why I came here to say thank you." "You see, in my job I tend to come across the bad behaviour of a few idiots and rather forget that the vast majority of Brits who come to Benidorm are decent people, enjoying a well-earned break." "So I came here to thank you for reminding me of that fact." "No worries." "And also to tell you that I've nominated you both in the category of Local Hero for the Pride of Benidorm Awards, on Friday night at The Benidorm Palace." "Are you serious?" " Absolutely." "I hope you can make it." " I think I have a window in my diary." "Joey?" " I haven't got a diary." "Right, well, it's 7:30," "Friday, Benidorm Palace." "Here's my card." "If there's anything I can do for you, let me know." "Oh, and if you present that to any British-owned bar in Benidorm before Saturday, it'll see you right for a couple of rounds of drinks for both of you." "OK, chaps?" " Nice one!" "(GLASSES CLINK)" "Oh, just remember to always drink res... pons..." "Don't know why I bother." "♪ We'll be swinging and dancing and singing" "♪ Baby, come on over tonight" "♪ Baby, come on over tonight" "♪ Come on over tonight ♪" "The wonderful Leroy C and his Motown Memories!" "And now it's time to hear from your good selves." "It's karaoke time." "And the first greyhound out of the trap is Jacqueline." "Where are you, Jacqueline?" "♪ 2 BECOME 1" "♪ Candlelight and soul forever" "♪ Dream of you and me together" "♪ Say you believe it - (EDDIE JOINS IN)" "♪ Say you believe it" "♪ Free your mind of doubt..." "Aw, it's nice to see him happy." "What are you on about?" "He's always happy!" "It's those around him who have a problem enjoying themselves." "I sometimes think that's all a bit of a front, you know?" "Really?" "Are you worried about him?" "♪ Closer, baby" "♪ Get it on, get it on" "♪ Cos tonight is the night" "♪ When two become one" "♪ I need some love like I never needed love before" "♪ Wanna make love to you, baby!" "No, you know what - I think he'll be all right." "Thanks again for letting him come and stay." "We'll see how it goes for a bit, eh?" " It's all right, love." "I'm surprised he agreed to it, to be honest." "Who'd want to live in a caravan on the front drive?" "♪ Wanna make love to you, baby!" "♪ Set your spirit free" "♪ It's the only way to be" "There you go." " Cheers, thanks." "Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go for a drink at some point." "You know, one that's not all inclusive." "I work late most nights." "So that means no?" " No." "That means it would have to be a late drink, after 11 o'clock." "Right." "OK." "Nice one." "How about Friday?" " Our last day." "Yeah, cool." "See you Friday." "Why don't you take all them extra clothes off now?" "And where am I gonna put them?" "The bags have all been checked in." "I knew that Spanish ham would tip us over." "Sorry about that - a few last-minute gifts." "(CONTENTS OF CARRIER BAG CLINK)" "Oh, Pauline, no." "I thought that was all behind you." "For the girls in the office." " Oh, good lass!" "I think we're boarding." "No sign of Rubella, love?" "No." "I'm sorry, son." "Well, it's her loss." "Thanks, Pauline." "Come on." "Got a plane to catch." "Geoff!" "Geoffrey!" "Ionela." "I can't believe you came." "Of course I came." "Where's your bag?" " I do not need a bag." "No, you're right." "Who cares about all that?" "It's just stuff, right?" "You remembered your passport?" " I do not need my passport." "You're right!" "Who cares about..." "Actually, no, you definitely do need a passport." "Geoffrey," "I thought about what you said - about listening to my heart and not my head." "I listened very carefully and in the end I chose my heart." "And my heart tells me that I want to stay with my multi-millionaire Russian husband." "And of course my head agrees." "So... why did you come to the airport?" "To say goodbye." "But we said goodbye in Albir." "Did you have to run in so dramatically?" "I'm sorry." "Goodbye, Geoffrey." "Yeah." "See you later, Rubella." "Come on, son." "Time to go home." "She was too glamorous for you." "Too pretty." "And way too tall." "You do realise you're saying all these things out loud, don't you?"