"Jay are you awake?" "Hey." "How was breakfast, pup?" "Hey." "Will you smell doug's breath and tell me if it's turned?" "I've never smelled anything that bad in my entire life." "And I'm steve." "I know." "Say, will you do me a huge favor?" "I guess, but I really don't like doing things I don't like to do." "I've got two tickets to kaleidoscope funk network and brian won't go because they're not metal, and it's a three-hour drive." "They're my favorite jam band." "They're awesome." "They turn songs into these amazing musical journeys." "Would you go with me?" "It would really mean a lot." "I'm sorry, steve, but this request has put too much strain on our friendship." "Sarah you owe me one." "Remember?" "It is so wonderful to finally have one of steve's girlfriends here to dinner." "Most of them have lived so far away they've been unable to visit." "Girlfriend." "Please." "Steve's gay." "I mean, he's barely gay." "I mean, it's not like he's witty or urbane or can take care of himself or has a good physique or makes money, or... has any passion for culture and the arts or anything." "I mean, he's still a... a middle-aged failure." "He just has sex with men." "You've got something right here." "They disowned me because of that." "I know." "I can't imagine how painful that must be, steve." "But don't you see that forcing me to listen to jam band music will only create a second tragedy?" "Come on, sarah It's the least you can do." "No, it isn't." "This is the least I can do." "Sarah" "Fine." "I'll go." "Yes!" "Well," "I'm glad you finally got up in time for me to say good-bye before going to the kaleidoscope funk network show." "I'm glad I got up in time to get some cereal in my belly." "Yeah, I'll, uh, see you later." "Oh, miniture coffies, I've waited all last night for you." "**********" "Can I speak to you for a moment?" "Sure." "What's going on, nurse laura?" "Jay seems to have developed some sort of sleep condition in which he laughs continuously in his sleep." "Like, like, full-on cracking up." "Is that normal?" "It's not necessarily normal, but it is a thing." "It's known as... a "laugh-mare"." "There's nothing much you can do, but I would make the best of it." "Wait, why is it called a laugh-mare?" "Because when you have a nightmare, youre not... "nighting"" "is this a comedian routine?" "No." "It sounds like something a comedian would do, right?" "He wouldn't know." "I don't--he doesn't know." "yes!" "Come on." "Come on." "Look, sarah if you're gonna enjoy this experience at all, you've got to just give in to it." "Let yourself go." "I'm letting myself go." "If this is anywhere near as fun as how bad it smells, it's gonna be a blast." "Look, why don't you do some lsd with me?" "It might take the edge off." "No." "Free hugs!" "Get your free hugs." "Free hug for the lady ?" "yeah, I'm gonna need this." "Dude?" "Oh, my god!" "He put it in his eye!" "Thanks a lot." "We'll see you tomorrow night." "Good night!" "That's it!" "Yes!" "That was a... that was a journey." "That was me and them... that was you- that was me and them and us and we're, like, a fun... like, a happy mush ball." "Really?" "I think you're just on acid." "The drugs made me realize it's not about the drugs." "I want more of this." "I need more of this." "We're coming back here tomorrow night and every night they play." "Yeah, that sounds pretty acid-y." "Life is too short to not have kaleidoscope funk network in our ears." "Oh, my god." "You don't know how happy that makes me, sarah Let's do it!" "Free hug for the lady ?" "?" "You been taking some drugs ?" "?" "now you're needing a hug ?" "?" "my hugs, baby ?" "?" "they're for free ?" "?" "don't be alarmed ?" "?" "just run to my arms ?" "I love you!" "?" "'Cause free is what a hug should be ?" "I love you so much!" "I can't believe how close we are." "Oh, my god." "Sarah you want to take some acid with me?" "No way." "I want all my senses intact." "I want to really appreciate their music." "I just want to take it all in no filter." "Yeah, fine." "I'll take both." "I've been trying to push myself more lately anyway." "What do a dog and a tree have in common?" "Both of their bark is rough." "Hey, did you hear about the astronaut who left his wife?" "Turns out he just needed more space." "Hey, uh, what do you get when you cross a tiger with richard simmons?" "I don't know, but keep it the heck away from me." "Watch it." "stop it!" "All right, thanks a lot." "We'll be back shortly for three more hours of music." "Three hours!" "Hours?" "Hours?" "Listen up, everybody!" "I'm sarah silverman and i realized something tonight that you all need to know." "You are not jam band music fans." "You are drug fans." "It's true!" "It's true!" "Okay, let's do an experiment." "Okay?" "Put all of your drugs in this hat." "If you believe that it's the music..." "if you really believe it's the music and not the drugs, then you should have no problem with it." "And then come back tomorrow and see if you still like this garbage when you're sober." "Thanks a lot." "Hey, we'll be right back." "Okay, so we all agreed." "Nobody took acid or ecstasy, right?" "That includes candy flipping." "I'm looking at you, fuzzy pants." "All right, so everybody's sober?" "Yeah, and we still love kaleidoscope funk network!" "Okay, okay, okay." "You aren't on drugs." "You just have a pacifier in your mouth, because that's what adults do." "Well, if none of you are tripping, then this image shouldn't bother you." "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "You have no one to blame but yourselves." "If you had held up your end of the deal, then you wouldn't be freaking out right now." "I'm trying to make a point here." "That kaleidoscope funk network is an excuse to do drugs." "They aren't musicians as much as they're.... ear rapists." "Now you all made a deal." "Let's come back and try this again tomorrow." "All right, let's try this again." "Are you guys on drugs?" "NO." "You make it hard to trust you." "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "RAGNO!" "Okay." "Wow." "You're sober." "Thank you." "Well, then with no further ado, kaleidoscope funk network." "I don't care for this." "It's kinda meandering." "******" "I want to go back to law school." "Why do we keep letting her on stage?" "Jay?" "Jay, are you awake?" "Hi." "Welcome to laugh-mares with laura, starring your hostess ********** me." "I'd like to welcome our first guest tonight." "You've seen him at romanski's cooking." "Ladies and gentlemen, eddie." "Eddie, hello." "Hey." "Come on in" "Oh, have a seat right over there." "So?" "Thanks." "Thanks for having me... to whatever this is." "Oh, it's okay." "He's sleeping." "Um, so, eddie, tell us a little bit about yourself." "Well, I cook breakfast for people." "I make, uh, you know, omelets, sausage, bacon." "I guess you could say I bring home the bacon by frying up the bacon." "Hey, this is fun." "Yeah." "I'm getting some really negative vibes off of you, steve." "Tickle fight." "Now you tickle me now." "You tickle me now." "I can't believe you!" "Once again you deliberately expose... a painful truth that ruined my life!" "No, I didn't." "You "juno-ed" kaleidoscope funk network for me." "I "ju--" what?" "You took something that I love and pointed out everything that was wrong about it and made he hate it." "You "juno-ed" it!" "What kind of person does that?" "I'm sorry." "I feel bad." "What if I fix the original sin?" "What if I make your parents love you again?" "You'd have to forgive me." "How?" "If we learned anything from this whole kaleidoscope funk network debacle, it's that I have a way with people." "Free hug?" "look, just because your son's a homosexual and has intercourse with a gigantic man who looks just like him, it doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve his parent's love." "Enough!" "I will not be subjected to this verbal pornography." "Don't go anywhere." "That did not work at all." "Oh, really?" "I can't believe describing the size of the man I have sex with to my parents didn't work." "I got it!" "What would make people appreciate hearing something that would otherwise sound horrible to them?" "Okay, I think we're all wound a little tight tonight." "But I think... this may sound a little crazy, but" "I think it might help matters if you took lsd." "Lsd?" "We're not the kind of people who do that." "Don't you get it?" "Your son loves penis!" "He's gonna love penis until the mountains crumble to the sea." "He's not gonna change." "The only thing that can change is your perspective." "And the only way to change your perspective, the only.... hope of reconciliation with your beloved son, is to immediately take lsd." "Well..." "Maybe she's right." "Under the circumstances," "I suppose the... most sensible thing would be to..." "Take it." "Good." "Good." "Okay." "Okay, here's an assortment for you to choose from." "Okay, let's see here." "What are these blue... pyramid-shape ones?" "Okay, those are the gel tabs." "They're really intense." "They're not as visual as the blotters." "The blotter?" "That's the one with the cartoon characters?" "Exactly." "Billy the bull." "They're, uh, really visual." "They give you some intense visuals, but they're not as "thinky" as the gel tabs your wife's been looking at." "I see." "Dear, it sounds like you prefer the blotters." "Why don't you take the bull, and I'll take the blue pyramid gel tabs?" "Excellent." "There you go." "welcome back, everybody." "I am so excited." "Our next guest is star of stage and screen." "Please welcome mr. billy crudup." "entree." "Nice to meet you, sir." "Take a seat." "Okay." "Wonderful." "Make yourself comfortable there." "Thank you." "So welcome to laugh-mares." "Thank you." "How have you been?" "I've been a bit confused actually." "I see." "I see." "I'm sorry." "Is he asleep?" "Oh, my co-host?" "[laughs] He's, yes, completely unconscious." "You know, I don't feel completely safe at the moment." "Oh, billy, I can assure you you are among friends here and big fans." "You were just amazing in jesus' son." "I mean, I was just, like..." "Blown away!" "Really, really terrific." "Well, thank you." "Thank you." "Great work." "So you just do this with all of your favorite actors or am I incredibly lucky?" "Wow." "Hey, I wish the critics had been asleep for inventing the abbotts." "Zing." "He almost-look at this." "Oh, gosh." "We'll be right back." "More billy, more silly after the break." "VaGinas and your son are like... oil and water." "But that's no reason for you to not love and care for him." "Mom!" "It's me, steve." "I came from in your body." "Maybe we should go." "Wanna go?" "Hey, sarah" "I just want to thank you." "I... my parents used to be such a towering presence in my life and... after seeing them writhe around on the floor, trying to chew the legs of coffee tables, i realized..." "I don't need them to approve of who I am." "I approve of myself, and that's enough." "You should sew that on a pillow." "I will." "I WILL." "Nice one." "Nice two." "Welcome back, everybody." "Tonight we were supposed to have a special musical guest, kaleidoscope funk network, but apparently they are now de-funk-t." "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******" "******"