"If you want me to say "I'm sorry", fine." "I'm sorry I didn't record it in HD." "But I really don't see that much of a difference." "Ok, that... that is what upsets me the most." "There's a huge difference, Dallas." "Why don't we just agree to disagree, okay?" "High-def, low-def, mos def." "I don't care." "Babe, it's an objective fact..." "HD is better than regular D. They improved it." "Why wouldn't you want something that's been improved?" "It's like a doctor offering you penicillin and going, "no, thanks." "I'll go with leeches."" "Look, George, it's been a long day." "Fine." "I'm just saying we pay all this money for cable, we should at least get our money's worth." "Oh, you're gonna get your money's worth." "That came out sounding a little prostitute-y, but you know what I mean." "I'm serious, Dallas." "It's not just the cable." "You know, we also have two Netflix accounts." "I mean, who are we?" "Jay-Z and Beyonce?" "Think about it... if we lived together, we would save on groceries, on utilities..." "So what are you saying, George?" "You wanna move in with me 'cause it sounds like a good deal?" "Well, yeah." "But also 'cause it makes sense." "I mean, we're stable." "We're happy." "We're over at each other's houses all the time." "Let's consolidate." "Well, when you put it like that..." "Yeah." "Come on." "Let's..." "let's shack up... and stick it to our cable providers." "Just think about it, okay?" "Okay." "I'll think about it." "While George and Dallas contemplated a future together," "I was going through the opposite experience." "My boyfriend was preparing to leave, and all of Chatswin was waiting for him to announce which college he would play football and, theoretically, take classes at." "I'm, like, freaking out right now." "Like, the press conference is tomorrow, and I have no idea what I'm gonna decide." "What should I decide?" "Why don't you just say you need more time and postpone until you've decided?" "No, I..." "I can't." "It's, like, a whole thing." "There are hats involved." " Okay." " Uh-huh." "Then let's go through the options again." "Okay." "Rutgers." "Super solid team, super close to Chatswin, and super good for maintaining our love." " And then there's..." " Mid Florida Tech." "They are one of the all-time winningest-est-est teams in the country." "And it's my childhood dream to go there and own my own alligator that I keep in the stands and teach to say my name so it can cheer for me during games." " But..." " But it's Florida." "I'd be out of sight and possibly out of mind, and when you came to visit, your hair would probably look horrendous." "Right." "But you can't pick a school based on how the climate's gonna make my hair look." "No." " No?" " No." "No." "I think I decided." "I want you to decide for me." "Ryan." "Look, I'm happy to help you make this decision, but it has to be your decision." "Okay." "Ryan Shay!" "Ryan Shay!" "Mid-Florida Tech wants you... real bad!" "What?" "!" "I'm, like, halfway to an alligator here." "Okay." "That's enough." "Seriously, whores." "Beat it." "Aw, they seemed sweet." "Not a lot of curb appeal." "But what she lacks in looks she makes up for in girth." "That's a handsome lot you're sitting on." "You lookin' to sell?" "Oh, no." "No one takes pictures of their house for no reason." "What's the story, Sport?" "Can't make the payments?" "Got a thing for the ponies?" " You back on the pipe?" " Look, Dallas and I are thinking of..." "Living in sin?" "Hurting God's feelings?" "Moving in together." "Potentially." "So I guess you could say" "I'm considering putting my place on the market." "But we're not there yet." "What if I told you I had a buyer?" "A buyer?" "I have a couple who are dying to live on this block, and who would probably pay well above market for that pile of peeling paint you call home." "How far above market?" "That remains to be seen." "Hi, Tessa." "Oh, hey, Dalia." "Ryan's totes lucky to have you to help him make his big decision or whatever." "Just a sounding board really." "He's still totes lucky." "You're really good at getting involved in things you don't really need to get involved in." "Uh, thank you." "Listen, Dalia, are you upset... that I found out you hooked up with Jenna?" "'Cause I didn't tell anyone." "O.M.G., that's totes not it." "I just hope one day I can return the favor and get involved with something you might not want me involved in." "That's all." "Like what?" "Okay, so these are the California schools." "How do you feel about California?" " You mean sexually?" " No." "Ryan, before you answer, just remember that if you go that far away, your mother and I will die of grief." "Upon which I will bury them, sell your belongings, and move to Oregon." "So university of Oregon?" "She's my only remaining family, Tessa." "We need a rational adult." "Where's Sheila?" "Sheila was avoiding dealing with the pain of Ryan leaving by throwing herself into work, headlamp first." "That's Leslie." "Leslie." "Leslie!" "Leslie!" "Oh, Sheila, hi." "Boy, am I glad to run into you." "You know me." "I love this neighborhood." "I know you do." "I jog through every night just hoping one of these places will go on the market." " Yeah." " I can't help it." "I just..." "I see us here." "I see you here, too." "In fact, I see you right... here." "Is that house being listed?" "Nope." "And it never will be." "Because you are going to buy it before anyone else gets the chance to." "Oh, Sheila!" "I know." "I know." "We could be neighbors." "I could help you raise the baby." "Oh!" "Oh, they grow up so fast." "Oh, before you know it, he'll be a man, and ready to abandon you for college." " Oh, she's actually a girl." " Oh." "Well, you can always try again." "Thank you both for agreeing to a sidebar." "Obviously, dad can't discuss the matter without..." "My beautiful boy!" "My velveteen colt!" "Did he just say "velveteen colt"?" "Listen, I know which school Ryan should go to." "And my endorsement is completely unbiased." "Uh, Lisa?" "Whoa." "Where did that come from?" "Tessa, the origin of that insanely gorgeous 80" flat screen is unimportant." "What is important is this." ""The North Las Vegas Institute for Casino Studies"?" "Go, gamblers!" "Is that a big sports school?" "Um, it's a big sports betting school." "Lisa Marie Shay." "I can't believe you." "You sold out for a flat screen?" "And a pair of snakeskin boots that quite frankly look like they belong on Toby Keith?" "These here are premium snake, not to mention... the pearl finish Escalade." "Holla." "They gave you a pearl finish Escalade?" "Holla." "They gave you a pearl finish Es..." "Oh, wow!" "We're leaving." "Wait." "No." "Ryan?" "If you won't listen to me, at least just listen to your birth mother." "Hello there." "I'm your mama..." "Carmen Electra." "Mama?" "I always knew I was an electra." "In my heart I knew it." "Ryan Electra." "That sounds right." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my gosh." "Carmen Electra, is there any chance" " you are Ryan's birth mother?" " No." "But you know who would be like a birth mother to you?" "The North Las Vegas Institute for Casino Studies." "Shame on you both." "I drown out my shame with a car that goes "boom."" "We'll need to re-cover that couch." "Something calico." "O... okay." "Again, this is super premature." "Mm." "Lose the family photos... particularly the super gay ones." "Super gay ones?" "That's me and my grandfather." "Doesn't matter." "We'll want her to see herself living here, not you and your handsy gramps." "If we do a little spending on the front end, we'll more than make up for it on the back end." "Leslie will enter this property and see her dream home, not the time-worn creepy shack of a pansexual loner." "Now I need to see your attic." "Yep." "This'll be the crafts room." "The what now?" "Your future buyer." "She shared something with me, George... her childhood was whiled away in an attic she converted to a crafts room." "Oh." "She has very fond memories of the bedazzling, the ribbon barrette making, and the felt puppet work that space nurtured." "So for Leslie, this room will be the pièce de résistance." "Okay, you know what?" "I..." "I think we're putting the cart before the horse here." "Dallas hasn't even said "yes."" "We're dipping a toe, George." "We're just dipping a toe." "All right." "What do you want me to do?" "Something you'd eventually have to do anyway." "Order up a dumpster and dispose of this trash." "And by "trash," you mean my memories and family history?" "Yes." "Oh, my God." "Do you have a hamster, George?" "Clean that up." "That's unsanitary." "Mm-hmm." "Have you heard of the hantavirus?" "Did we all get the raspberry in the finish?" "Yes." "That was a trick question." "There was no raspberry in the finish." "Didn't you used to get towels?" "With any luck, by this time next year... we'll be toasting at your wedding." "Oh, I don't know about all that." "Oh, I think Carmen's right." "George asking you to move in is one step closer to him ask..." "We're really just doing it for practical reasons, primarily." "What do you mean "practical reasons"?" "You know, to save money on the gas we use driving to each other's houses... and so forth." "Are you crying?" "No." "Yes." "Javier, could you get me... a towel?" "What on earth is wrong with you, Dallas?" "This is the most exciting thing that ever happened to you." "And you met garry Shandling." "I know, y'all." "I know." "I just thought George asking me to move in with him would be more... romantic." "Oh, men don't know how to be romantic." "Bob does." "The first time we made love was on a bed of rose petals that he hot-glued to my mattress." "He whispered in my native tongue that my body was a wonderland." "And finally, when I could take no more, he made me arrive." "In fact, I arrived a lot earlier than I usually do." "I'm gonna hit the showers." "Thanks again for helping me out with this, man." "No problem, my nubian." "Okay... keep, dump, or storage?" "Are you kidding me?" "Look at this..." "Flap in the back?" "Two-tone pockets?" "It's a Gordon Gartrell." "Keep." "This is a dump if ever I saw one." " This is a big, steaming dump." " Hey." "Keep." "Oh, man." "This is Alex's stuff." "Dump." "No, I..." "I can't do that." "Some of her songwriting notebooks are in here." "So?" "No one wants to hear her poor man's Lisa Loeb-style vag ballads." "Dump." "No." "I can't do that." "So... keep?" "Well, I don't wanna keep, either." "But... storage seems weird, and dump just seems mean." "So is there a new category, is that what you're saying?" "That even after all of these years, your ex-wife still gets her own category?" "While George tried to figure out how to deal with his past, i was still trying to help Ryan navigate his future, and time was running out." "Okay, I made a list of all the pros and cons of every school." "Tessa, you're blinding me with science." "I have no idea what you're saying right now." "The press conference is tomorrow," " and nobody's helping me." " Excuse me." "I'm helping you." "I wish I could just spin a wheel of fortune and land on the right answer." "Okay." "Well, then how about this?" "I'll write down the names of all the schools, put 'em in a hat, and you can close your eyes and pick one." "The hat will decide." "Well, actually, the draw will decide." "Fine." "The hat." "This was a stupid idea." "This isn't how you pick a college." "You choose the school that feels right to you." " The school where you see yourself." " Uhh!" "No!" "No!" "I knew which school that was, and so did Ryan." "So instead of letting him wind up somewhere he didn't wanna go..." "You rigged the draw?" " Mid Florida Tech." " Wow." "If I threw it all away and left it up to actual chance, he could have ended up at the North Las Vegas Institute for Casino Studies." " Oh." " And, uh..." "I'm not that much of a gambler." "No." "Me, either." "But I do like the slots." "Do you think I messed up?" "Tessa, no." "I think you put his happiness before yours, and that's what love is." "Uh, thanks, Helen." "Like I said, I just felt weird throwing it away." "Well, Alex uses my apartment as her personal storage unit, anyway." "So what's one more box on the pile?" "Well, um, okay." "Thank... thanks again." "I'll see you." "She always had a grip on you, didn't she?" "What's that?" "Alex." "Oh." "I don't know... what to say." "You don't have to say anything." "I..." "I know how hard it must have been for you to drive that box over here, to let go." "This woman you're moving in with, she must be really special." "You know what?" "She is." "And this is the attic." "Or as it's called by the current owners, the crafts garret." "Oh." "Hello there." "Oh, 'ello." "I didn't hear you come in." "I were just sewing' my poppet." "Leslie, you just have to see the view from that window." "Take it easy, kid." "You're supposed to be a crafts geek, not a Victorian ghost." "The accent felt right for my character." "Hey." "It's my character." "I am just letting you play her." "So, Leslie, what do you think?" "This is it, Sheila." "This is home." "Finally, the moment of truth... she said ironically... had arrived." "Whatever happens, I'll be fine." "I have my career and I have the two of you, and I have Leslie and Leslie's baby..." "Ryanna." "Which, of course, is not her name." "Yet." "Good afternoon." "Wow." "Let me begin by saying we haven't seen this much press at Chatswin High since our former drama instructor staged an underage production of "The Full Monty."" " Oh, it was so good." "Such brave young men." " Don't even." "Stop it." "Without further ado, here's the man of the hour," "Ryan "The Body" Shay." "Ryan!" " Yeah, bro!" " Wow." "Hey, everyone." "Thank you all so much for coming." "I know you're all waiting to hear my decision." "And it was not an easy decision, but I decided it." "Rutgers is awesome!" "Thank you, God." "He's a merciful lord." "But I'm not going there." "Oh, I never trusted you." "He's not real." "I knew he wasn't." "So then I thought..." "Go, gamblers." "Go, gamblers." "I will not go to this school." "He's not even gonna fake us out?" "He's just not going?" "So finally, I decided that I only have three words left to say... and those three words are Mid Florida Tech, baby!" "Oh, Fred." "It's okay." "Thank you, Chatswin." "So long." "It wasn't "good-bye" necessarily." "It was just... "So long."" "Follow your dreams." "And don't eat carbs." "Wow!" "You have to do both if you wanna achieve greatness." "Thanks, man." "A... and congrats." "Come here." "Yeah." "Congrats, Ryan." "We're really gonna miss you, and whatever." "Thanks, Dalia." " I'm really gonna miss you guys, too." " Yeah." "It must have been so hard deciding to leave Chatswin... and Tessa." "It was hardest on the hat, I think." "The hat decided and I have the hat to thank, because everything turned out just how it was supposed to, you know?" "Totes." "Unless it didn't." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Why don't you ask Tessa?" "Ask Tessa what?" "Ask her why all the little pieces of paper that she put in the hat said the same school's name on them." "Tessa played you, Ryan." "Okay, now I know you're lying." "Because if Tessa was gonna write the same college over and over, she would have written Rutgers, so her and I would be closer." "Unless she didn't want you to be closer." "Anyway, like I said... congrats." "How could you do this to me?" "You mean how could I do this for you?" "Look, Ryan, I know that's where you wanted to go, and the only thing standing in your way was me." "You're right." "You were the only thing standing in my way." "Ryan, I'm sorry." "Please don't be mad at me." "I'm mad at you." "I'm super mad at you." "The hat was gonna decide." "But what if the hat sent you someplace that you didn't want to go?" "It wasn't your call, Tessa." "But you said I could pick anyway." "Do you remember that?" "You asked me to choose." "So in a way, I did." " Right?" " Right." "And what you chose was to send me away instead of keeping me close to you, and that's what hurts me the most." "What now?" "Nothing now." "We're over." "I just can't believe you got an offer on your house already." "I mean, it wasn't even on the market." "Y... yeah." "Well, you know, may... maybe... it maybe was meant to be." "Or maybe Sheila is just really good at her job." "Yeah." "Are you... are you getting cold feet?" "Yes." "But for me, it's more of a circulation thing." "My hands are always cold, too." "Well, then..." "I will warm them... every night." "That's a promise." "George Altman, are you getting romantic on me?" "I'm trying." "What do you say?" "Should we go for it... or not?" " We go for it." " Yeah?" "So who's gonna tell Tessa?" "I still can't imagine how he found out." "The only person I told was Dallas." "You think... she said something to Ryan?" "Well, then who?" "Why aren't you saying anything?" "Because I can't say anything." "Dalia." "Do you think Dalia did this?" "She definitely did this." "She did this." "Tessa, I tried to warn you about her." "Yeah, well how 'bout this, Lisa?" "How about you warn her about me?" "Because this time... she messed with the wrong bitch."