"Hello." "Hello!" " So..." "Wait Hey Hey" " What?" "You're such a rogue." "Gimme that." " No!" " Gimme that." "Hey... hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" " Hey!" "Hey!" " Hey?" "Hey, baby." "Baby!" "Turn it off." "Turn it off!" "Turn it off!" "Do you think this is a joke?" "When I come home tonight, we're gonna talk about this... 'cause this is not working." "You want to push it even further?" "Whatever." "This is ridiculous." "It happened again... last night." "It's hard to explain." "It starts out like an earthquake..." "And I look over at the girl next to me... and whoever she is, she's not Nicole." "And all I feel is emptiness." "And that's when it happens." "This great big black hole... opens up over my head." "Again with the black hole." "Yeah." "It's nothing but vast emptiness." " And then what?" " I panic." "You gotta help me." "You gotta... light a candle for me or something." "I'm not lighting a candle... so you can feel better about getting laid." "That's not what this is about." "Look, it's been six months since Nicole dumped you." "And you're running around feeling sorry for yourself... screwing every woman in sight." "You want me to tell you it's OK, that God forgives you... but at some point, it's not OK, and he doesn't forgive you!" "What kind of advice is that?" "If you don't like my advice, go see a real priest." "How will you be a real priest if you can't follow the rules?" "Besides, you're... you're the only priest I know who happens to be my brother." "And you're only a year away from being a real priest anyway." "Two years." "Look, what you need to do... is deal with your emotions and stop screwing around." "What I don't need is a lecture from you, dick." "You're the dick" "No." "That sounds great." "That sounds incredible." "We'll probably have to bump a few things... from our schedule, but we can make it happen for tonight." "Yeah." "Matt and I will definitely be there tonight." "We're putting our bells on right now." "OK." "All right." "Bye-bye." " I can't go." " What are you talking about?" "I just don't feel like it right now." "You don't fe..." "Look!" "I know you're still trying to work out your Nicole issues... with the big black hole, but trust me, trust me..." "I don't have any Nicole issues." "Hi." "I'm one of the many pictures of Nicole... that infest Ryan and Matt's apartment after six months." "And she's hot, Matt." "I don't mind looking at her." "I'm just saying you have issues." "These are not issues." "Do you still think about her when you jerk off?" "Anyway, I've got something that's gonna make it all better." "Those two girls we met in Tahoe... in town for one night and one night only." "Don't say no yet." "No, don't say no." "No, no, no." ""I want to come." "They're hot." "I want pussy."" "Oh, yeah!" " Hi." " Hi." "How are you doing?" " Good." " Good." " You?" " Excellent." "Good." "Waiter?" "This isn't Absolut Vodka." "I ordered Absolut." " Yes, it is." " Are you calling me a liar?" "I'll bring you another one." "Sorry." "I hope I didn't come off as mean." "No, no, no." "You know what you want." "That's a good thing, right?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yes, I do." "I know exactly what I want." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." " What's wrong?" " Nothing." " I'll be right back, OK?" " OK." "Get it together." "Hey." "Throw me a magnum for my magnum, big boy?" " Yeah." " Thank you." "Hey, have you ever noticed the crack on my ceiling?" "Dude, you're action-packed with issues." "I can't do this anymore." "I can't do it." "What, does Johnny not want to come out and play?" "No." "Johnny..." "Johnny's fine, OK?" "It's..." "I'm all fucked up." "All right, here's what you're gonna do." "You're gonna strap a helmet on Big John... put him in the game and he will play his little heart out." "OK?" "He'll put up big numbers for you." "You're gonna forget about the cracks in the ceiling... forget about Nicole." "Go out and give your star player the support he needs." " Right?" " Right." "Helmet." "Oh, God!" "Yes!" "Come with me." "Come with me." "Are you ready?" " Almost." " Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Oh, yes!" " What are you looking at?" " Nothing." "Nothing." "I'm..." "Oh, yeah!" "Are you with me?" "I'm close." "I'm close." "Oh, God!" " Ready?" " Now?" "Now!" "What the fuck was that?" "What?" " Did you come?" " Yeah." "No, you didn't." "You faked it." "No, no, no." "Guys don't fake it." "I don't even think that we can." " You faked it." " Hey." "Hey." "Hey." "Let go!" " Show me." " Show you what?" "You know." "The stuff." "This is ridiculous." "What are you hiding?" "Nothing." "Just give me second, OK?" "Just a sec." "Here we go." "Use anything." " What's going on?" " I need something." "Anything that looks like semen." "OK?" "Something that looks like semen?" "What is going on out there?" "Fuck!" "You are such a bad liar." "Hey, Duncan." " Thanks a lot, man." " What's up, Matt?" " What's up, man?" " Chris." "Heard you tried to leave one in the chamber last night." " Where'd you hear that?" " Internet." "It's all on the internet nowadays, you know." "This is an internet company." "And Ryan has a big mouth?" "Morning, ladies." "So, you in on the basketball pool or what?" "What's the line on that game anyway?" "I'll talk to the bagel guy when he gets here." "What does the bagel guy have to do with this?" "The bagel guy knows everything." "The dude's incredible." "Then how come can't he get here on time with the bagels?" " Appreciate it." " Is that what I think it is?" " Don't worry." " Can I see it?" "Hey." "Dude, it's just been one of those days, you know?" "Yes, I do." "I got held up at this import- export place in Chinatown." "Some party." " Golden Spear?" " That's the one." "Their mimosas they make there are strong." "Go straight to your head." "Blbbh." "I used to know someone who worked there." "You know Tatiana?" "Yeah, I know Tatiana." "She's nice." "No, she's not nice." "She's hot." "I'd hit that." "And how about Merj?" "Yeah, I know Merj." "And what about that really hot chick that got engaged?" "That was funny." "What really hot chick got engaged?" "The expediter chick." "You know, real slinky." " What's her name?" " Nicole?" "Nicole." "That's it." "Man, she knows the guy, like, two weeks." "She goes to France, she comes back, she's engaged." "Now, she is spontaneous combustion hot." "I would definitely hit that." "How do you know it's Nicole..." "N-Nicole that got engaged?" "Dude, that's what the banner said at the party." ""Congratulations Nicole."" "Whew." "I can't believe it... because that girl, you can't even look right at her." "She's so hot you need one of those eclipse-watching things... just to look directly at her, she's so radiantly hot!" "It makes me want to just throw her down, you know... and just- You know what I mean?" "Yeah." "I'm glad we can connect on that." "Later, pimp." "Later." "Hey, Matt..." "Matt?" "You... you all right?" " Oh, God." "I am so sorry." " It's OK." "It's OK." " Are you OK?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "Is there anything I can do to make it better?" "Anything?" "Again?" "Another girl already?" " It's not even the weekend." " I know, I know." "She met someone." "Nicole's getting married." "I'm sorry." "I mean, what can I do?" " Tell me what I can do." " I don't know what to tell you." "This isn't really a problem I know much about." "Listen, isn't part of the priestly thing... giving relationship advice?" "Relationship advice, yes." "Sex advice, no." "Part of the priestly thing, and stop calling it that... is not to have sex, remember?" "It's funny." "I didn't say a thing about sex." " Sure you did." " No, I didn't." "I guess thinking about sex is part of the priestly thing." "At least for some." " Get out." " Fine." " Good morning, Matt." " Morning, father." "What's with the purple banners?" "Lent." "Starts today." "Going to be a long forty days this year." "I'm giving up my one vice... those precious little Madeleine cookies... dipped in a starbucks mocha." "It's so hard giving up what you love the most." "I've got it!" "Jesus Christ, John, I've got an answer!" "And the question is?" " Nicole." " Again?" "No sex for Lent..." "for forty days." "If I can do that, then everything will be OK." "That isn't what Lent is." "Lent is about sacrifice and growth through self-denial." "Lent is to remember..." "How Christ felt during the fast in the desert." "I grew up in the same house as you, moron." "But when it comes down to it, that's exactly what this is." "This is growth, this is self-denial... and this is sacrifice." "Dude!" "It's not that simple, Matt." "Trust me." "It is that..." "You're right." "You're totally right." "Sex alone is not enough." "It has to be sex and all things sex-like." "You'll never be able to do that." "Just listen, here's the plan." "One... no sex." "Two..." "no sexual intimacy of any kind." "No nibbling, no biting, no scratching." "No sucking, no fondling." "None of that." "And three... no masturbation." "You won't last a week." "You're wrong, brother." "I'm gonna go the distance." "Your brother looks happy." "He's just taken a vow of celibacy." "Oh, dear." "Dude." "Dude." "What the fuck is that?" "This is a 1966 Karmann Ghia coupe." "When I'm finished with that, I'm gonna do... the Caterham super seven cycle-fender special." "We're going out tonight." "There's this club..." "Remember that Australian chick..." "Jennifer Moss?" "She's got friends visiting from Sydney." "Can't." "I have laundry." "Do you know why they call it down under, Matt?" "I still can't." "Do you realize how much time we waste thinking about girls?" "You want some alone time in the apartment for jerking off." "That's cool." "I can do that." "That's cool." "I'll tell 'em you said hi." "Do you have change for two dollars?" "Excuse me." "I forgot something to read." "Do you mind if I borrow this?" "Thanks." "A lovers' rendezvous." "You... you underline words that you don't know... and then look them up later?" "Right?" "And you underlined "tryst"... which is a meeting of lovers." "I do that, too, so..." "Matt?" "It was on the cover of the magazine." "Can I borrow a sheet of fabric softener?" "Thanks." "It's been really fun almost chatting with you." "Same time next week?" "OK." "Bye." "You are way ahead of schedule." "If I were you, I'd give me something else to do quick." "What about the Willow and Smart account?" "Think you can handle that?" "I know window treatments aren't the sexiest..." "Oh, no, no." "Doesn't bother me at all." "Good." "You'll be designing the entire webpage." "OK." "Hey, Ryan." "What's happening?" "Do you know how many hours I spent..." "Looking for my Temple of Poon tape?" "One." "That's a long time to be looking for porn, Matt." "What the fuck is going on here?" "One... you can't do it." "You can't." "This isn't a personal attack towards you." "No man can do it." "It goes against nature." "The male was biologically designed to spread his seed." "You're gonna piss off the seeds, man!" "You're gonna..." "It goes against science!" "You want to be the guy who goes against science?" "And two?" "Two... are you out of your fucking mind?" "You're the guy who can't finish a sandwich!" "You think you can go forty days?" "Four..." "You..." "This isn't normal!" "She got engaged, Ryan." "Nicole got engaged." "Well..." "I knew that." "I knew that." "I..." "I didn't tell you... just because I thought you'd get pissed off." "I'm sorry." "I should have told you." "I had to hear it from the bagel guy!" " Does that guy know everything?" " You should have told me!" "I know that." "I completely should have told you." "I'm sorry." "Just explain this to me, though, all right?" "Nicole gets engaged, you decide to take a vow of abstinence." "Haven't you gotten to the point where you need to take a break?" "Yes!" "Look, Matt, I swear off girls once a week." "Then, before you know it, it's morning." "That's part of the game." "Did your brother put you up to this or something?" "You know what?" "He's about as supportive as you are." "What do you care anyway?" "This doesn't affect you in any way." "You..." "This affects everyone." "Right now, the pot is at two hundred." "It's a minimum bet of $50 a day, which goes into the pot." "If your day's the day, you win the pot, less expenses... and a bottle of champagne." "If more than one person bets on the winning day... they split the pot according to the percentage... of the day's total bets that have been placed." "I go forty days without sex all the time." "But, dude, you spank it." " No jerking' off?" " True." "Yeah." "That's why my money's on today." "There are two things to bet on... one..." "will it be with some girl?" "Two... will it be some lonely night down the stretch?" "Pbbt." "How will we know that, exactly?" "Well, I can't tell you everything... but I can tell you that there is somebody on the inside." "Yep." "Like Ryan." "OK, so Matt doesn't know anything?" "No, no, no, no." "That is very important... key." "This is great." "I mean, this is crazy great." "Everything is so much simpler when there's no sex involved." "I think this is the best thing that's ever happened to me." "You're starting to feel it, aren't you?" "What?" "The abstinence... it's starting to get under your skin." "No." "Not at all." "I'm fine." "You know what I gave up for Lent?" "Meat." "Why don't you try something like that?" "Trust me." "Celibacy takes years... of commitment, character, and discipline... which, quite frankly, are not your best traits." "You think you're the only one with a little willpower?" "A little willpower?" "If you can do this, I can do this." "You have no idea." "What is so hard about forty days?" "They're guys." "To them, forty minutes is like an eternity." "They're like animals." "Their entire lives revolve around their penises." "How many days do you think he'll last?" "Days?" "Girl." "Watch this." "You are so bad." " Hi." " Hi." "Did you, do these layouts?" "I helped on them, kind of." "These are amazing." "Thanks." "You're like this totally amazing layout guy." "Something's happening." "Behind me." " OK, come here." " Oh, no." "Hey, I have a big layout problem." "You do?" "Can you keep a secret?" "Yeah." "Oh, goodness." "I have this tattoo of a butterfly... on the inside of my thigh." "Yes, you do." "And I want to get something on the other side... but, I don't know what to get." "Any ideas?" "I don't know." "I was thinking about... like a cute little pussycat or something." "Do you like pussy... cats, Matt?" "Yeah." "'Cause if you're not doing anything later... you should come over and help me pick one out." "I can't." "I mean, we can't... because pussycats are mean to butterflies." "They don't like them." "They dislike them very much... and hit them with their paws... and it hurts the little butterfly." " Right." " Yeah." "Well, OK, if you change your mind..." "Did she just Xerox her ass?" " What?" " Get off me!" "Give me a call, OK?" "This is a photocopy of Candy's ass?" "Yep." "You're gonna call her, right?" "Obviously, you're gonna call her." "No." "I'm not gonna call her." "Ha ha!" "As soon as you don't want it, they can smell it." "She photocopied her ass." "She photocopied her own ass." "You're doing a lot of laundry lately." "Didn't you just do it last week?" "Just keeping it clean." "Who is she?" "Look, I'm not gonna sit in my room... and build models for the next forty days." " You like her!" " It's... not that." "No, no, no!" "Have a nice time." "Busted." "Yeah." "I thought I should tell you I can speak just fine." "They were all out of flowers." "Yeah." "That's cute." "I'm Matt." "Officially." "Officially Matt." "Officially Erica." "Officially." "So, you normally do your laundry on Friday nights?" " Yeah." "It's my new thing." " New thing?" "Well, there was a party..." "Don't you ever feel like you just keep meeting... the same exact people over and over?" "Like people that went to this kind of college..." "And now work that kind of job, right?" "Yeah." "I want to have a party with a list at the door... of all my friends and friends of friends... and if you're on that list... or you know somebody on that list... then you cannot come in." "How do you know I'm not on that list?" "Nobody on that list would have talked to me... like you did last week." "Or not talked to me." "Fair enough, fair enough." "So, what do you do for laundry money?" "I'm a cyber nanny." "What... what's that?" "I spend all day looking for pornography on the web." "All right, say you have a ten-year-old kid... with an iMac and a browser, and she searches "Girlfriends"... and then gets lesbian mud wrestling." " Probably not the best thing." " But you can't avoid it." "Like today, I ran a search for "sandbox"... and got "eat my box"..." ""Sandy's hot box"... and my favorite, "vagina beach."" "My job is to find the site and block it out." "So, you have to look at these sex sites all day long?" "Yeah." "All day." "Drive you crazy after a while?" "Yeah." "Some days I think... that if I have to look at another blowjob I'll scream." "God, yes." "Same thing happens to me." "What, you're going on a date with her?" "Isn't that kind of getting in the way of your thing?" " No, not at all." " So you're not into her?" "I'm totally into her." "So how can you not want to fuck her?" "Listen, you haven't heard a word I said." "It's perfect the way it is, and she's amazing... and we are totally connecting... and it's not a sexual thing, not for either of us." "Dude, you've got to tell her." "Seriously." "You can pass off two dates without a kiss as old-fashioned." "You go three, and you're a homo." "Yeah, yeah, I can see that." "Just got off the phone with the guy." "There's a preliminary report..." "a date happening on Thursday." " What?" "Different girl?" " Same girl." "Different date." "He is taking her on... the bus." "On the bus where?" "Nowhere." "That's the point." "He just gets on the bus and goes around." "Mmm." "If you want to get laid... you take a chick to a fancy restaurant." "But if you really like her... you take her to your secret place." "That's the bus for Matt." "Yeah." "Mine's the post office." "I don't understand." "So he's gonna get laid?" " Why ask me questions?" " I'll take Thursday." "I like to take girls there, and I say, "Let's go postal."" " Shut up!" " Shut up!" "Are you gonna be OK with this guy?" "Yeah." "He's great." " I'll be waiting up for you." " No, you won't." "Really?" "If I bring this guy home tonight... you better make yourself scarce, and I'm not joking, Sam." " OK." "Bye." " Bye." " There you go!" " Ha!" "All right!" "Told you." "So, did any other guys ever take you on a bus?" "Well, there... there was a guy who got us kicked off a bus... and another guy who tried to steal a bus... and then the most recent guy I dated... went through a phase where he actually thought he was a bus." "Where do you find guys like that?" "I don't." "I don't." "They just..." "They always find me." "They always find me." "What about you?" "Any criminal records, addictions... or weird little secrets I should know about right now?" "No." "Yeah." "I didn't think so." "You're pretty up-front about yourself." "I have no reason not to be honest, I guess." "Yeah." "It always catches up to you if you're not." "Yeah." "That's the way it is with me." "I mean, was with me." "Back in my more youthful, wasted, younger days." "This is me." "I've never had so much fun on a bus before." "Me, too." "Good night." "Good night." "I'll..." "Unh!" "Whoa!" "Aah!" " Ow." " W-watch that." " I'll talk to you soon, OK?" " OK." "Very soon." "Like tomorrow." "I'll give you a call." " Great." " Bye!" "Bye." " Like, a high five?" " No." "More like a "Gimme five."" "He's got a girlfriend." "Some guys are just different about this stuff, you know." "Gay is different to some people." "Well, I trust him." "That means a lot." "Is this anything like the last guy you trusted... who stole half your jewelry and sold it on eBay?" "Apparently, speed is a very expensive drug, Sam." "Dude, you are so gone." "No, I love hanging out with him." "He's amazing." "I'm treated like an equal, and we're connecting..." " It sucks, doesn't it?" " Yeah, it does." "It totally sucks." "Why doesn't he just want to have sex with me?" "So, how did it go last night, champ?" "What?" "With your date." "Did you hit that or what?" "What... what..." "What are you talking about?" "Nothing." "Whoo." "That was weird." "No more drugs pour moi." "What the fuck is going on?" "You guys put up a web page about me?" "Web page?" "Please." "Be more insulting, man." "This is a complicated betting pool." "You guys can't make this public." "This is not something that I want everyone to know about." "It's a little too late, dude." "Today's bets." "Originally, the spread favored day 26... but with all the dating action in Mattland these days..." "I'm gonna recommend day 23." "Someone just placed another bet." "I had one come in all the way from Bangladesh." "Little Haji just loves to roll the dice." "You guys have advertisers?" "A friend of mine started up a business... and I gave him a good price." "A porn site!" "Oh, shit!" "Hey!" "You know where Erica Sutton is?" " Yeah." "She's..." " Where?" "You're that guy." "The abstinence guy." "Hey, it's the abstinence guy!" "What is this, some kind of a bet not to sleep with me?" "No, this isn't a bet." "Let me explain." "Don't explain." "You don't have to." "I just read about it over the fucking internet." "Erica!" "Erica, I should have told you about this." "I thought you'd think I was a freak." "I'm sorry." "I can't believe the load of bullshit that you fed to me... about telling the damn truth." "I did this for myself." "I didn't think anybody else knew about it." "I swear to God." "Plus, if I told you, you'd think I was a sex addict." " Are you?" " No!" "Then what is the point?" "What is the point of this whole thing?" "I just wanted to see what it would be like... without all the shit that sex brings to the picture." "So I'm like some science experiment?" "No!" "Look, I was going through a really rough time... and I just wanted to stop." "I wanted to stop thinking about sex." "Not that I was thinking about sex all the time..." "I just wanted to stop." "And the thing is, it's working." "It's really working." "I'm glad it's working for one of us." "You stupid, stupid, silly little person!" "Why did you have to go and tell everyone?" "Look, if you're so ashamed, maybe you shouldn't be doing it." "I'm not ashamed!" "I'm embarrassed!" "Then quit, Matt." "Just quit." "Nobody thinks you'll finish this thing." "I'm not fucking quitting." "Everything was going great until you had to..." "I stopped having sex..." "I'm totally falling for Erica... and I'm finally over Nicole." "You really think you're over her?" "Fuck, yeah!" "Bitch." "I ran into her and her fiancé last night." "What was he like?" "He... parties with a friend of mine." "Apparently, the dude works late every night." "That's what I heard." "So?" "He works late every night..." "a different girl every night." "Not that it should matter to you." "No." "Why would it matter to me?" "Yeah." "My wife and I have been married for eight years." "I love her very much." "I... consider myself a lucky person." "That being said... this woman... does not put out at all." "I mean, at all." "I mean, we used to have sex everywhere." "We used to have sex in this office." "We had sex on this floor." "We had sex on this desk." " On that chair." " OK." "I get it, I get it." "But now, I have to practically beg for it." "I mean, it was kind of hot for the first eight months." "The chasing after her... surprising her with my sexy new underwear." "But now, I feel a little like a... like I'm a pervert." "I heard about the vow... and I think it's genius." "Thanks." "I mean, this is the perfect way for me... to regain the power in my relationship." "See, I take the vow." "I tell her I'm gonna do without for a few months." "I bet in half the time she's going to be begging for it." "Don't you think?" "What do you think?" "I think you don't know what you're getting yourself into." "Hey, put that away." "Books get you in trouble around here." " I can't work right now." " So go home." " I need the money." " So work." "It all reminds me of Matt." "Even "donkey lovers"?" "Call him or leave." "You're bugging me." " How's the chicken?" " Good." "Why is this so weird?" "If I told you, "Don't think about the color red..."" "what would you think about?" "Sex." "OK, so we're both sitting here thinking about sex... because we can't think about sex... because we can't talk about sex... and we certainly cannot have sex." "It's like, so what are we doing here?" "You know, if I didn't have this vow thing..." "I'd kiss you right now." " Thanks." " Thanks." "You OK?" "I'm fine." " Are you sure?" " I'll be right back." " Are you..." " Yeah." "Sir!" "Sir!" "I'm OK." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I'm OK." "Thank you." " Matt." " I'm OK." "Hi." "Nicole." "How are you?" "Well, better than you at the moment." "Yeah." "Yeah." "This is, this is..." "This is Erica." "Nicole." "David Brokaw." "Hi." "I'm Matt." "I'm Matt." "Oh, yes." "Yes, of course." "Matt, you work at one of those dot come, don't you?" "Yes." "Yes, I do." "David's the youngest executive vice president... at Morgan Stanley." "Yeah, well, I'm the youngest..." "Yeah, hey, It's all good, Matt." "Listen, honey, you want to give it one more try?" "It's good to see you." "Yeah, you, too." "Bye." "She's the real reason you took that vow." "No." "She's just an ex." "The vow is something completely separate from her." "You're a really bad liar." "I get that a lot." "Look, I know I should've told you about her." "Yeah, you should've." "But I guess it's hard for you to get the truth out." "Shit." "Hey, how about I quit the vow?" "I mean, honestly, I don't care about the vow." "Sure, now St. Matt wants a piece." " No, that's not it at all." " You don't want me?" "No, of course I want you." "It's just..." "I care about the vow, and..." " You do?" " Yeah, I do." "And her?" "I don't know." "I'll tell you what." "You want me?" "Yeah." "Then finish your stupid vow." "And if you finish it... then maybe we can talk about being together." "Maybe." "I've given up sex, because I just..." "I just want to connect with people on a deeper level." " Really?" " Yeah." "Is it working?" "Working?" "Of course it's working!" "It's like this incredible high." "Can you not feel that?" "Just sitting here talking with you..." "I'm mind orgasmic right now." "Mind orgasmic." "Yeah." "Oh, God." "We need to talk." "I can't." "I gotta go." "I understand what you're doing, Matt." "You do?" "Women have been doing this since, well, forever... so we know all about the power." "See, us having the power, that's part of the system... and by you taking the power, you're fucking with the system." "And I think you see why we can't let that happen." "You bet on today." "This is about money." "Ah-ah." "Signed and notarized commitment... to donate all proceeds to charity." "So you want to have sex with me to regain "the power"?" "We're willing to do whatever is necessary... to get the job done." "Why do you keep saying "we"?" "Fuck." "Now, we think that this offer is more than fair." "Can I talk to you for a second?" " Excuse me." "What?" " I don't think I can do this." "Andie, we talked about this already, OK?" "I know, but just look at him." "I mean, he used to be kind of cute... but now he's just twitchy." "It'll be over in, like, two seconds, OK?" "Would you care to join us?" "Oh, God." "Not the tongues." "Oh, my God." "I gotta go." "Yesterday was fine." "I mean, physically speaking, I was fine." "But today..." "I'm not fine." "This morning at the coffee shop... they were sponsoring hot women wearing no bras day." "Hot, hot women wearing no bras?" "I mean, like hot, hot women." "There were 48 breasts at the Cafe Trieste this morning." "I know this phase." "It passes." "But why does this have to happen now?" "I mean, yesterday Erica tells me I have to finish the vow... and today I'm slammed by sex." "Why?" "Look, you've gone 26 days?" " That's very admirable." " Yeah, thanks." "But you can't come to mom and dad's tonight." "If I don't go, they'll kill me." "You don't want them to see you like this." "I don't want me to see me like this... but if there's one place I'm safe it's at home, right?" "Right?" "From thy bounty, through Christ, our lord." "Amen." "So, dad, when your hip heals, will it be like normal?" "Yeah, pretty much." "I can golf, ride a bike." "He just has to be careful." "It's amazing the things you can do now." "You know, I'm part of a pilot program... that's tracking my range of motion." "Really?" "They don't want to hear about that." "No, no." "They want to see what effect... the operation's had on my sex life." "Sorry." "Do we have to talk about this at dinner?" "Bev, we're all adults here, aren't we?" "Isn't sex a God-given natural part of life?" "Don't start, dad." "Why not talk about it?" "I think a good sexual appetite... is a real, normal, healthy part of being a man." "And a woman." "Who wants more beans?" "I do." "They're grown men." "They're old enough to know... that their mother's machine is still running hot." "Walter, this isn't the moment." "No." "Let me show you people." "See... they sent me this sheet." "A whole bunch of different positions on it." "I just check off the ones I can do... like this one here." "I can do that, so I check the box." "Hey, here's an old standby." "But, see, I can't do that because of my hip... so, you know, I don't check the box." "Bev, have we ever tried this before?" "Walter, how could you forget the Maui Hilton?" "In the shower." "I nearly killed myself." "Yes." "Damn it." "Surprise inspection." "What the hell is that thing?" "It's a special light that allows me to see... if any fluids have been liberated." "Keep up the good work." "These are good." "Is he twisting her nipple?" "Jeez, that's an oversight." "I'll fix that." "I know what you mean." "I've been surfing for porn all week." "What am I doing wrong?" "I mean, not only is my wife not begging for it... she's not..." "I've never seen her so happy." "And today." "Did you see it's the warmest day of the year?" "Yeah, it's spring." "It's spring, Goddamn it... and they're..." "look at 'em." "They're all wearing... their little summer dresses." "Just..." "What am I supposed to do now, vow boy?" "Fix this." "Damn it!" "Come on." " What's up, dog?" " Hey, what's up, dog?" " What are you doing?" " Just, freshenin' up." "I'm tired of waiting for things to happen." "And my money's on today." "Yeah, that's great." "So what the fuck is that?" "This is what the American Medical Association... refers to as..." "Viagra." "Well, I'm not gonna let you do that, bro." "Well, you can be bought... bro." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Who's that?" "What's that?" "Oh, God, that's that new girl in tech support." "Did you know that regular ejaculation... is a preventative against prostate cancer?" "So, is it that you hate your penis?" "Because, I mean, I personally feel like that's..." "God, that's one of the best relationships I have." "Why do you think they call it the little head?" "I'll tell you why." "Because he has ideas." " Nice going, dumb ass." " What?" "Hey, Jerry." "Chow mein." "New girl in tech." "Very hot." "This tastes funny." "Not bad, just, you know, funny." "Hey, Jerry." "Excuse me." "I have to get..." "Do you need this?" "No." "I'm so thirsty." "Are you OK?" "Captain Blueballs." "Been looking for you since lunch." "I was just... maintaining these..." "Yeah." "Matt, look at yourself." "Your life is shit." "You're hiding out In a fuckin' storage room." "OK, here's how it's gonna go." "You've already won." "You've already proven everyone wrong." "Now it's serious." "The pot's up to eighteen thousand." "That's a lot of money, isn't it?" "It's your vow." "It should be your money." "So I'm gonna split it with you." "That's right." "And all you have to do is take the dive." "Think about it..." "nine thousand dollars." "Nine large." "Just take this." "You like her." "Now we're talkin'." "She's something, isn't she?" "Take her into the bathroom and get on with your life." "Yes." "Yes." "No, no, no." "No, no." "He can't do this." "I want to talk to him." "Matt, don't do it!" "We need you, Matt" "Matt, don't do it" "Think about the little guy, Matt" "Don't think about that Think about me" " Think about me!" " Matt!" "No, no, no, no." "Get out of here!" "Get out of here!" "Matt, this is important!" "I'm going to go in there." " I will throw down." " Come on!" "Yeah." "Fire in the hole." "I'm going to give you until the count of three." "Let's rock and roll." "You understand why I had to do that?" "Jerry?" "Jerry's not here right now." "May I take a message?" "What about the vow, Jerry?" "I tried." "I didn't..." "I tried." "I really..." "It just... hit me all at once." "I mean, I've jerked off three times since lunch." "I still have this fucking hard-on." "Way to go, Mr. Anderson." "Two more, and you break the company record." "What?" "All right." "This is ridiculous." "I am going in." "Where is Matt?" "Well, I don't know." "He didn't do it." "Yeah!" "Hi." "I know I shouldn't be here... but I've been thinking about you a lot... and I had to see you." "What are those, like some kind of a bribe?" "More like... gentle persuasion." "Is this going to get worse before it gets better?" "Probably, but I got to get this out... before I lose my train of thought." "See..." "Nicole had this... special status." "More like a special power." "And I couldn't match it... and I couldn't find anybody to replace it." " I think I get it." " You do?" "It's very easy to confuse a physical attraction... with a real connection." "Yeah." "Sometimes you just can't tell." "Well, you can tell." "You can tell by the kiss." "You know, the other stuff..." "the sex, "Is he hot?"" "It doesn't matter." "All that matters is the kiss." "How do you know about me?" "I don't." "I don't even know If you can feel that." "I can feel that." "Is this against the rules?" "I'll let you be the judge of that." " I'm thinking now." " I'm thinking now, too." "Come here." "I wasn't supposed to do that, was I?" "Good night, sweetie." "Oh, no." "Don't go to sleep yet, because... we should talk about something." "We could talk about anything." "We could talk about... we could talk about stickers." "Do you like stickers?" "Erica?" "Matt, what are you doing?" "The Willow and Smart people are here." "We're late for the presentation." "Come on." " Oh, my..." " What the..." "Hi." "Sorry I'm late." "Miss Willow." "Come on over here for a second." "Want some camomile tea?" "I think little Mattie is trying to say hello." "Oh, Jesus." "You might want to try some tightly-whiteys, jeans." " You, go home." "Now." " OK." "So, shall we get it on?" "Start?" "From a flower?" "Like, a vibrating flower?" "No." "No, just a flower." "And he didn't touch you once?" "He didn't even try to touch you?" "No, and I so wanted him to... but what we were doing was so perfect." "Oh, yeah, perfect... the immaculate orgasm." " Yes." " You are unbelievable." "Erica." "Coming." "Hey, baby." "That's sweet." "I really needed to hear that." "Oh, God, I must look awful." "Yeah." "Well, you don't look so great." "It's a long story." "What are you doing here, Nicole?" "I just... needed to talk to someone." "Where's David?" "I don't know." "At the office, probably." "Working late?" "We broke it off." "It's over." "Or he broke it off, I don't know." "I made the commitment... but I guess he wasn't too committed to it." "I'm sorry." "How's..." "Emily?" "Her name's Erica." "Good." "You never think about me anymore?" "Not even just a little?" "Let me put it this way." "I have thought about you... about us... a lot." "But tonight, when you came in... was the first time I didn't get all fucked up about it." "I think we could get you fucked up about it again." "Hey." "Maybe you should go?" "I think your little friend here wants me to stay." "Yeah, well, my little friend's not in charge anymore... so maybe you should go." "You're saying no to me?" "You always do this to me... and I'm the idiot because I keep coming back... but I'm not coming back anymore." "You take everything from me." "That is so not true." "Oh, yeah?" "Name me one thing that you ever gave me." "I gave you "The Bridges of Madison County"... you ungrateful asshole." "I never told you this." "I didn't want to hurt your feelings." "That was the biggest piece of trash I ever tried to read." "You pig." "Matt, I am so... so mad that I have..." "I have to tell you." "Watching you standing up for yourself like this... has never made me so... so... hot." "I like this." "Where have you been?" "You can slam that door in my face if you want... but I'll just be on the other side, even hotter." "Holy hell." "Slam that door in my dirty, bad, bad face." "Oh, God, Matt, slam it!" "Will you just think about it, OK?" "The dude was in the john with a dirty mag." "If that's me, I'm painting the ceiling." "Who does this Matt guy think he is, anyways?" "He's jerking us around." "How do we know this is real?" "If you just go to Big Window, look at the dude's face." "You would know." "It's for real." "Merj, how many times have I been wrong?" "Stupid monkey-ass moron." "Why don't you quit wasting my time over here?" "Hey, bagel guy." "You know my name?" "She says to me, "You look like Lionel Richie."" "Well, that's great, isn't it?" "No, that's not great." "That's not good." "Are you Chris?" " No, but I can be." " Chris would be me." "Excuse me." "I need to place a bet." "Can you deal with this?" " Yeah, sure." " Good." "The thing is, it's a sucker bet." "It's going to be over in twenty four hours." "32 hours, 12 minutes, and 26 seconds." "Thanks." "Plus, Matt has this whole... you know, midnight madness thing mapped out and..." "His friend is coming over at the stroke of midnight." "You get it?" "The stroke of midnight?" "Thanks, buddy." "So, you'll take it?" "Sure." "Thank you." "She's filled with heavenly sweetness." "I somehow don't think Mr. Butterworth... would appreciate that very much." "Excuse me, is this taken?" "No." " You got to help me." " You got to knock." "I'm seeing things." "I swear to God, everywhere I look..." "I'm seeing tits and ass." "When I came in here, I swear to God, I saw you kissing a nun." "Oh, my God!" "You were kissing a nun!" "I'm slipping, Matt." "I've already slipped." " It's your stories." " This is my fault?" "No, it's mine." "It's been bubbling under the surface... for a long time now." "I'm leaving the seminary for a little while." "What?" "It's just a sabbatical." "If I come back..." "When I come back, it'll be for good." "So, you can't help me?" "You're on your own, little man." "Well, welcome to the cathedral of ill repute." "Merci, monsieur." "Make yourself comfortable." "Bien sur." "I almost fucked an outlet today." "You..." "Since when do you smoke, Matt?" " Since today." " Jesus." "Is this him?" "Yep." "That's our boy." "You've started a whole new movement." "Megatonchism..." "sex without orgasms ever." "You like to party?" "Can I borrow your handcuffs?" "If my hand is free, I'm bound to do anything with it." "Anything." "How much did you drink, Matt?" "God's spirit made Jesus go to the desert." "He was there for forty days while Satan tested him." "He was living with the wild animals... but angels took care of him." "Mark 1:12." "I look like Jesus on the cross." " Yes, you do." " Yep." "You do." "So, what about your late night visitor?" "Leave the front door open a little bit... and put that key right there." "When she comes, I'll tell her..." "I was accosted by home invaders... and they tied me up." "OK, champ." "Anastasia and I are going to leave now... so... you should sleep." "Think about the angels." "Peace be with you." "He is a little weird, but it is Easter." "I feel like it's my first time." "It is, isn't it?" "You are going to be great." "It's going to be great." "Show me you can do it." "You can do it, Matt." "Show me you can do it." "You can do it, Matt." "You can do it." "You can..." "There we go." "Doesn't that feel better?" "Relax, baby." "It's over." "What?" "Why?" "Why would you do this?" "Well, this all started because of me." "It only seems natural that I should end it?" "Here's your key." "I kept meaning to return it." "It turns out the front door was open." "Are you expecting someone?" "Oh, fuck." "Oh, my..." "I was asleep." "I thought she was you." "Was it worth it?" "Come on, Erica, please." "Erica!" "Erica!" "Oh, shit." "I'll say it was me." "I'll say I set the whole thing up." "I'll say that I handcuffed you to the bed... which is true... that I sent her over here." "She was here to see me." "No." "No?" "I'll tell her something less idiotic, obviously, but..." "No." "No more lies." "This doesn't seem like one of those..." ""truth will set you free" situations." "No, it doesn't." "Hey." "Guess who dropped by." "He left hours ago." "He brought you this." "Personally, I prefer the telegram... but I did get to talk to him for a little bit." "So?" "I don't want to hear about it." " OK." " But now you're on his side?" "Yeah, Erica." "He melted my heart." "He's a real mess about you." "It was a little pathetic." "That's not good enough." "Don't be stupid, Erica." "He's crazy about you." "What else do you want?" "Helps with static cling." "Where's your laundry?" "I've been here every day this week." "All my laundry's clean." "I know I screwed up with you... over and over and over." "It just took me a long time to realize what I was doing." "Yes, it did." "I was trying to take a part of me and make it go away." "And I closed my world off, and I put myself in a little box." "And for a while, everything seemed clear." "But then you came along... and that didn't help anything." "Remember when you said that you could never tell... about someone until you kiss them?" "Well..." "I screwed up." "I..." "I should've just done this." "Are you done talking now?" "Thirty eight hours exactly." " Son of a bitch." " Damn it." "The pot's up to 140." "Anybody else want in on hour 39?" "Hey, hey." "How do we even know that they're still even in there?" "They could've put the CD player on repeat or shuffle." " That's a good point." " It is a good point... because they could've snuck out the back window... and we're still sitting around here like a bunch of chimps." " Chimps." " You know what?" "Look at me." "I've been here the whole time." "Believe it." "Put me in for a tenner." "He'll keep going." "Two dollars, please." " Hey, Matt." " What's up, Matt?" "Hey, Matt." "All right, you guys." "Come on, get out." "Get out of my house." "No, no." "You know what?" "Come on, come on." "Get out of my house." "I'll just take this." "Bye." " Later, stud." " See you later." "Thanks for the fish, Matt." "Looking good." "How long are you going to be in there?" " Let's go." " Hey, I'm going." "Chris, I'm going to call you tomorrow, all right?" " What are you doing?" " You, too." " I don't have my keys on me." " Good." "Wait, this is my house, dude." "Not for the next twenty four hours, it's not." "And you all should be ashamed of yourselves." "You're kidding." "Don't have sex on my bed." "He can't last in there another 24 hours." "He'll die." "How much you want to bet?" "How much do I want to bet that he'll actually die?" " I'll put ten bucks on it." " Another ten." "I don't have a life."