"Who the hell's Roderick Blank?" "[Narrating] That would be me." "You ever see a guy walking down the street looking so happy and content you wanna find the nearest brick and turn his face into hamburger meat?" "I'm sorry." "That April morning, I was that guy." "I couldn't help it." "I had what I thought at the time to be it all:" "excellent job, excellent soon-to-be wife, excellent life." "If only I hadn't let Trixie open that last e-mail." "What would you say if I broke out into song right now?" "You know how this good mood thing of yours is killing me, Rod." "And yet... you persist." "[laughs] Stop." "Stop!" "Or we're never gonna get through these e-mails." " [beep]" " Oh." "Here's a beauty from Lester." ""'Re:" "Bachelor Party Stripper Crisis."" "Have I told you how grateful I am that I'm a lesbian?" "Delete!" "Delete!" "My God." "Men like Lester are the reason Death Nell was invented." "[Narrating] I was a man above temptation." "Other woman had lost all appeal." "One in particular." "They called her Death Nell, even though, technically, she hadn't killed anyone." "Different hairstyles, different outfits, different spray-painted messages." " [rasping] - [puncturing]" "The same comatose result." "[thud]" "It was all we could talk about that spring." "Five dates leading to subversive seduction and ending in endless slumber." "She was the worst thing to happen to men, and the best thing to happen to media in quite some time." "Needless to say, I had picked the perfect moment to be getting out of the game." "For every guy or gal, there comes a time when you say, it's time." "Meet Fiona Wormwood, my wife-to-be." "Stop staring, perv." "[Roderick narrating] It's funny, looking back." "She was not the sweetest girl in the world." "Just, I" " I like-- okay." "But when it comes to the person you're spending the rest of your life with, you want a bit of a sting." "There." "Your married friends call you up for a barbecue." "They tell you..." " It's time." "Your parents tell you..." " Son, it's time." " [wheezing]" "The whole damn universe tells you." "Don't make me the villain." "I told your sister exactly how many pounds she had to drop to fit into that bridesmaid's dress." "Enough." "Let's talk about orchids." "Orchids." "[Roderick narrating] Yep." "It was time." "[Trixie] Okay, if you can tear yourself back to work..." "Thank you." "I've downloaded the Big Mac." "I mean The Matador!" "I don't know." "It looks like two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun to me." "Boss." "Hey, that's very special sauce" "[Narrating] As for the "excellent job" part of my life," "I like to tell reporters," ""It's always been my dream to work in a fast-food restaurant."" "[chuckles] I was being cute." "Our place was different." "You know...classy." "The plan was simple." "Swallow up the food names, sleek the uniforms," "Starbuck the decor." "[chuckles] Welcome to Swallows." "One Swallow Cornucopia to go!" "Have a startling and unique day." "You, too." "Please, Trixie, tell me that was the last goddamn e-mail." " No, there's one more." " [beep]" " Hold on." " [computer chirping]" "Doesn't say who it's from." " [clicking mouse] - [beep]" "I don't know." "I'm getting, like, a virus vibe here." "Okay!" "It's your life." "Oh, that's weird." "It's a list of names." "Must be more wedding bullshit." "Well, they're all women's names." "Number one-- does the name Patricia Francini ring a bell?" "Patricia Francini?" "Whoa, I haven't heard that name in..." "Patty and I were co-captains of my high school debate team, her main claim to fame being that, in classic backseat drive-in fashion, she took my virginity." "Clan of the Cave Bear was the movie." "Drive-in's now a Staples." "What did you say this list was?" "I didn't, unless Allison Bradbury is the second girl you ever had sex with." " Whoa." " No way." "Are you saying this is a list of everyone you ever had sex with?" " Who's number three?" " [laughing]" "Well, that would be Debbie Roberts." "No, wait." "She was four." "Who was the spooky drunk girl at the 4-H fair?" "I had to drive her home, 'cause her brother was, uh" "Daisy Milos Ross?" " Yes!" "Crazy Daisy!" " [typing]" "Milos-- what?" "Ross?" "Who sent this?" "Is this some... pre-bachelor party trick, of all the girls I've loved before?" "But who would know about Daisy Milos Ross?" "Damn, Roderick, this is an insane amount of pussy." "Well, thanks." "I don't know if I'd call 29 women insane." "I guess some guys might be impressed by the big two-nine, but I racked up most of those numbers as an undergrad." "Uh, Sparky?" "There's more than 29 wild oats on this list, a lot more." "Trix." "T. Now, it's not like I'm one of those silly guys that keeps track of how many, uh-- [laughs] All right." "Fine." "Every guy is one of those silly guys" "Stop!" "The ever-delightful Fiona Wormwood, soon to be Fiona Blank, is indeed numero 29." "But, dude, the list keeps going." "Closing out at... a hundred and one." "That's impossible." "Wait." "April Fool's Day today, isn't it?" "That was yesterday." "Today's the second." "Hmm..." "One of the guys." "Zack, Chico, Lester-- no, Lester." "Especially Lester." "What better way to mess with me than by sending me the names of all the women I've had sex with?" "Teasing me with an obviously made-up roster." "72 more tantalizing female names to, uh" "Symbolize all the fine trim you'll be sacrificing once you get married." "Exactly." "Yes." " Hmm." " Thank you." "Mm-hmm." "You sure you don't have a Carlotta Valdes shacked up somewhere?" "I mean, according to the list, she's next up." " [clicking mouse]" " Carlotta Valdes." "Followed by Cynthia Rose." "Followed by" "Well, whoever did this sure put in the hours." "Print it." "[speaking Japanese]" "Sayonara!" " [door closes] - [drops objects]" "[Narrating] So, now you know." "The last goddamn e-mail." "The list." "Every woman I ever, followed by every woman I" "[Trixie on phone] You're not still staring at that list." " [beep]" " No comment." "Oh, did I remember to warn you that you're gonna be kidnapped from work for your bachelor party?" "[door opens] [screaming, whooping]" "Whoa!" "Hey, Roderick." "How are you doing?" "[men chattering]" " Ready to party, Rod?" " Oh, no, no." "No one said anything about this going down at my house." " Lester." " What?" "This is my house." "Fiona gave us permission." "Oh, you're insane." "[chuckling]" " Interesting e-mail today." " Mmm!" "Worry not." "I found a new stripper." "Oh, no." "Not the stripper crisis." "The, uh, kooky one." "The list." " What list?" " The list of" " What are you talking about?" " [doorbell]" " Names." " Well, our fair lady's here, gentlemen!" "Turn that up!" "Rule six." "No ham radio operating." " Get it?" "Breasts?" " [Men] Aww..." "No ham radio operating." "Rule seven." "No checking the oil." " [Man] Checking the oil?" " Get it?" "Vagina!" "No checking the oil." " And I loved the touch of adding to the list" " Rule eight... the names of women I've yet to have sex with." " No cotton candy." " What do you mean, man?" "What list?" "Oh." "Yeah. "What list?"" "Hey!" "You two jokers in the back!" "Show Precious some respect!" "This is a bachelor party." "It ain't fun and games." "Who wants to play musical lap dances?" " [men hoot] - ** [rock] [man snoring]" "[rowdy yelling]" " [music stops]" " Aw!" "Too bad!" " [smooch] - [men chatter]" "Goodbye!" "** [rock]" "[vomiting]" "Mm." "You call this decadence?" "Bro, it was you!" "If only women knew." "The bachelor party." "The best commercial for marriage." "Cream for your coffee?" "Mm!" "Uh, no thanks." "Carbs." "You laughing at the old coot?" "Yeah, I'm sorry." "I am." "Hey, what about you?" "You're walking around your own party, here, obsessing about your former conquests." "Well, it's actually a little more complicated." "I was fine until this morning." "I got this crazy list of women" "No!" "No!" "No!" "I don't wanna see it." "You don't wanna see it." "Hell, you probably sent it to yourself when you were drunk." "If you're looking for a way out..." "Rod, you'll find it." "No, it-- it's nothing like that." "Stop looking." "Hang in here for another hour." "Get married next week." "Have a kid." "Reinvent the tater tot!" "Make a lot of money!" "Have another kid." " Say, "Thanks, Zack."" " Okay." "Thanks, Zack." " Mm-hmm." " Maybe you're right." "Yo!" "Groom." " Grand finale." " [men whooping]" "Don't worry." "Lester's paid for it." "[loud yammering]" "Yikes." "How's that for ham radio, buddy?" " [drunken laughter]" " Yeah!" " [Precious giggling] Oh, yeah!" "Yeah!" " [door knobs jostling]" " [Rod moans] - [Precious] Give it to me, big boy!" "[Roderick] Oh, that's the way you like it?" "Oh, yeah!" "Harder!" "[giggling] This is my oldest." "He's four." " Fuck me!" " This is your oldest?" "Wow." "He's a good-looking kid." "He's gonna break a lot of hearts." " Yes!" "Yes!" " [giggles]" " Yes!" " Goddammit!" "Harder!" "So are you planning on having kids with your wife?" "Well, definitely." "Yeah." "But you know, right now, we can't even agree on what kind of dog to" "Whoa!" "Precious, I told you I don't want" " to cross the line of-- - [unzips]" " Whoa!" " [opens condom packet]" " Oh, gosh." " [both laugh]" "I'm so sorry." "I honestly thought you were kidding about all that "men can be feminists, too" stuff." "Can you blame me for the confusion?" "Well, just because I'm giving you a standing ovation, my darling, doesn't mean that we have to, you know" " I" " I think we better" " Got it." "That's what I'm talking about." "Doin' it" "Hey, I don't want you to take any of this personally." "I just-- you know." "Goddamn, what kind of condom is this?" "Your fiancée is lucky." "She's got one of the good ones." "I wish I was more into successful white dudes, but, um-- [giggles] two broke Latin husbands, and" "Jesus, stop me." "[laughs]" "Anyway, man, gracias." "Seriously." "Gracias?" "Um, Precious, your real name wouldn't happen to be Carlotta..." " [squish] - [gasps] Valdes?" "How did y" "Who told you that?" "Um, I think your bodyguard might have mentioned it." "Like that asshole knows my real name." "So, you staying back there, or... [softly] Why is it so quiet in there?" " [Roderick narrating] Carlotta Valdes." " [chair squeaking]" "Number 30." "This was more than a bachelor party trick, more than a loyalty test." "This was sex." "And I had a print-out." "I was in the throes of a sacrilegious epiphany, in possession of a magical document that promised an embarrassment of bitches." "And yet, did it void my earlier, rather impassioned soliloquy about how it's time?" "To settle down?" "To marry Fiona?" "Right then, I nobly revowed my eternal resistance to other women." "Remember how freaked out you were when you first noticed the centerfold was younger than you?" "Ah, yes, the... central trauma of every American male." "Look at this baby." " And I mean baby." " [sirens]" "Born in 1984. 1984." "My life was, like, done by '84." " What are her turn-ons?" " Mmm...." "Pudding, air hockey, and pudding." "[sputters] Bimbo said "pudding" twice." "[snickers]" "I do like air hockey." ""Cynthia Rose is looking for a man who's confident, successful, with a nice set of abs."" "Well, zero out of three ain't bad." "What did you say her name was?" "[turning pages]" "Cynthia Rose." "Nice." "Oh..." "[chuckles]" "Thank you." "Dude, you're not gonna buy the issue?" "[footsteps]" "You look like a Carl." "Can I call you Carl?" "You talking to me?" "You ever fantasize about escaping, Carl?" "Escaping this land, this magical land of the newsstand, where all the girls are right about to pull off their panties, but they never quite do." "Must be kind of frustrating." "Look, if you don't like the merchandise, babe, pssht!" "Found this on your dashboard." "It's a unique color." "Kinda like the one the Parkside Peeper wears." "Wait." "Uh... [sighs heavily] Look, I have a disease." " Okay?" " Okay." "And you could say that I, too, am a victim," " because" " Hey!" "No." "Carl." "Don't get me wrong." "I think it's kinda hot." "I mean, how would I know you were watching if I wasn't watching you?" "Wha" " You've been peeping on me peeping?" "Mm-hmm." "Oh." "That is hot." "Wait, I c" "I can't tell if you're playing some feminazi mindfuck game on me or if you're really trying to seduce me." "Well, Carl, why don't we go back to my hotel and find out?" "Pussy is da' bomb." "No?" "This is a joke, right?" "Ten seconds on the shot clock, Kobe." " Come on!" "I-- - [chuckles]" " This stuff only happens in the movies" " Five" "I'm the only one working this shift, I" "Get out of here." "Are you gay?" "Are you impotent?" "Or are you just chicken?" "Honey?" "Sweetie, look." "Your tuxedo." " Rod?" " [Rod narrating] Perhaps it wasn't time after all." "Don't worry, I didn't cancel the wedding or anything." "I'm not an asshole." "I needed to figure things out." "Of course, I didn't bring up number 31," "Cynthia "Miss April" Rose." "I stuck to the basics." ""It's not you, it's me."" ""I don't want to get married just to get married."" "I think I even threw in a "things have been crazy at work."" "Fiona took it well... too well." "I think my sweetie has a little case of cold feet." "You're nervous." "I'd be scared if you weren't." "It's more than that, Fi." "I said, I think my sweetie has a little case of cold feet." "You're nervous." "I'd be scared if you weren't." "I'm being honest." "We're getting married in 11 days, Roderick." "We are past the point of honesty." "We have a goddamn church booked." "Deposits... orchids." "And you drop this on me right now before I'm about to get on a plane to go away with the girls to a spa for the weekend, you goddamn son of a" "Orchids... [crying]" "[Narrating] It was one thing to upheave my own life, but to break the heart of another was too much for me." "I told Fiona what she needed to hear and provided the requisite snuggles." "That's when I saw it." "No, not that." "This." "Pardon my fucking French, but we're talking about a fucking centerfold here." "Fucking a fucking centerfold, if you will." "And believe me, I will." "Last fling like this, I'll never have to look at another woman again, right?" "Right?" "Back of the line, bro." "[chattering]" "[Man] Okay, gentlemen, don't rush." "[bell jingles]" "Get out of the way, will you?" " Don't push!" "Get out of my way!" " Come on, man!" "[men chattering]" "[Man] Hey, stay in line, please." "[Man #2] I know how to play air hockey!" "[Man] You each get a chance." "[chattering] [whistles] [camera beeps]" "Fiona." "Hey, Fi... you're probably already on the plane." "I just wanted to apologize again for this morning." "I don't know what's going through my head." " I just" " Is that your car?" "[imitating static]" "Bad connection." "Yeah." "The geeks are revolting." "Like, literally." "My name's Cynthia Rose." " You can call me Cyn." " Okay." " [bells jingle] - [starts engine] [tires screeching]" "The guy was so serious." ""You must be so proud of those."" "I was like, "Dude, they're my breasts, they're not my S.A.T. scores."" "So, I thought if I flashed him he'd shut up, but who knew the whole store would flip out?" "I'm sorry, I forgot." "How long did you say you've been living on this planet?" "[laughs]" "[Narrating] Coffee became cocktails, cocktails became dinner, and dinner became..." "You guessed it." "Air hockey." "Darn it!" "I thought your centerfold said air hockey was your game." "Are you always this suave and arrogant?" "Well, it's only two of my many adjectives." "I can't believe I'm talking like this." "I'm getting married in less than two weeks." "My fiancee is doing this bachelorette spa thing this weekend" "Wait a minute, you're getting married?" "Yep." "Well, why didn't you say so?" "That changes everything!" "How would you like to do me a favor?" "A favor?" "What kind of fav" "Don't worry." "It'll end in sex." "[Trixie] Yes, number 31, Cynthia Rose." "You know this is the most maniacal shit ever, right?" "Trix, I'm sure there's some logical explanation for all this." "I'm not going to wait around for it." " [snaps]" " Keys?" "[Roderick narrating] Cynthia Rose wanted to bring a presentable man home to Daddy." "The favor would last another 24 hours." "Meeting another father under the guise of boyfriend felt more like cheating than the cheating." "But as paper beats rock, desire beats guilt." "Desire beats everything." "[Cynthia] I just said that I like baking, and the next day, the centerfold family came up with this concept." "It was like a built-in kitchen set with this apron that" "Don't abuse the word "family"" "You know as well as I do, they're just making you an accomplice in your own exploitation." "Well, that's better than not being an accomplice in my own exploitation." "You asked me what makes a man, Roderick, and I'm going to tell you." "[Roderick narrating] Actually, I hadn't asked." "But there was no stopping Victor Rose III." "Yes, her father was the Victor Rose, entrepreneur extraordinaire." "Getting to have sex tonight was going to be more complicated than I could ever imagine." "My parents believed in tradition, honor, dignity, faith, and free trade, and separate bedrooms for couples that are not married." "A toast to the fiery Rose family." " [woman groaning]" " May you" "Sorry, Roderick." "Every family has a sick grandmother, and Granny C just happens to be really old and really scary." "Stop!" "Mother deserves some respect, not to be treated like a leper." "Despite her grotesque skin disease." "[high-pitched moaning]" "Dessert, Roderick?" "[knocking]" "[Roderick] Are you decent?" "[Cynthia] Absolutely!" "[mimicking Victor] Dessert, Roderick?" "[snickers]" "Oh." "Uh..." "You asked if I was decent." "You didn't ask if" "Yes, my roommate in college always used to do that gag." "It plays better with you." "Lots." "Believe it or not, you did pretty good tonight." "Great." "That old bear down the hall is going to be simply crushed when we break up." "You know, your father seems pretty serious about the separate bedroom edict." "The greater the danger, the greater the thrill." "That's what I say." "Give me five minutes." "I'm two doors down to the left." "Some guys have this annoying habit of stopping to ask me if they're boinking me too hard." "Don't ask and don't stop." "Foreplay's for losers." "Hmm." "Better make that three minutes." "Yeah." " [puts on condom] - [sighs]" " [moaning softly] - [woman moaning softly] [both moaning louder]" "Oh...yes." "[Victor] What's going on in there?" "Ooh, who died?" "It's all right, Roderick." "Mother prayed for this day many times." "She's at peace now." "She can keep my son company." "Say hello to Vic, Jr., Mommy!" "Cyn." "Sir, I'm so sorry." " You must really" " Yeah, whatever." "She was ancient and my brother was a jerk." "What was with you last night?" "Why didn't you come?" "Come?" "With your father barging in like that, didn't really leave a lot of time for either one of us to hit the jackpot." "You know, as they say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." "What are you talking about?" "Why didn't you come to my room?" "I didn't see you at all." "I guess it was pretty dark, but" "Mother had the strangest, sweetest, little smile on her face." "I'm convinced that her last moments on this mortal coil were ones of pleasure." "When you said two doors to the left, did you mean your left or my left?" "What are you talking" "I don't know, I guess it was my left." "Why?" "Granny C happens to be really old and..." "C. as in Cynthia, as in Cynthia Rose, as in number 31 on your list, as in there's more than one, dipshit!" "You fucked my mother!" "[screaming]" " [slams door] - [screaming continues]" "[screaming, crying]" "And if you were to put your hand on the bun... [screaming]" "[Narrating] I raced home to tell Fiona everything." "Okay, not everything." "Not anything." "What woman, a week before her wedding, wants to hear about some crazy list of women?" "Not to mention, I mean really not to mention, her future husband's involvement with an 88-year-oId Ieper." "I was sure Fiona would take me into her arms." " Honey, I'm home!" " Instead, she just took." "I never liked this couch." "Fi?" "Fiona, what have you done?" " Why are you" " You're getting off easy and you know it." "I don't understand." "I adore you." "I want to make you my wife." "It's like you've got this lost, far-away look, like you're thinking about the hundreds of other women you plan to sleep with before you die." "Hundreds?" "70 at most." "Keep going." "You're the guy who notices haircuts." " You never forget Valentine's Day." " No." "You always have the right, supportive thing to say, even if you don't mean it." "You're not some evil, sexist jerk, Rod." "So who are you?" "I am someone that will love and support you" "Oh." "It's not an oral exam." "I'm going to get up off this couch now." "I'm going to walk to the door." "[sighs]" "Do I want you to stop me?" "Yes." "Just as my hand is on the knob," "I want you to tackle me and hold me and tell me that you can never let me go, while tears stream down both our faces." "But you better mean it, Rod." "Because right now, you're just one of the bigger mistakes" "I've ever made." "But if you convince me to stay, and you can't back it up with every inch of your soul, then you will be a true villain." " Good call, buddy!" " Ah!" "You made the right decision, Mr. Blank, but it's not like you had much of a choice." "Whoo!" "[snorts]" "Okay, what's happening?" "Where am I?" "Who are you people?" "Hello, Mr. Blank." "I'm Alpha, he's Beta, and that's Fred." "[Beta] We're here to tell you everything, Mr. Blank." "This isn't a dream, and it isn't a dream within a dream, either." "You're not going to wake up at the end, and I'm your gardener and these are your pool boys." "This is about the list, isn't it?" "[scoffs] Of course it's about the list!" "You must be freaking out." "Seriously, what number are you at right now" "Down, Fred." "Mr. Blank... some people you don't know found some things you don't know in a place you don't know." "And these things have been very useful in making a new thing." "One that apparently knows everything." "A thing that knows everything, like a computer, a supercomputer." "I prefer the word "machine."" "Now, this machine will take a few lifetimes to figure out, and I wouldn't go as far as to call it an oracle, but it is...oraclesque." "Last week, it sent out about 2,900 e-mails, answers to questions nobody asked-- not us, not the e-mail recipients." "Almost everyone received nothing more than an individual date-- day, month, year." "You're very lucky you didn't get that one, Mr. Blank." "It was the day of the recipient's death." "But then there's you." "Yes, a few of the e-mails drew an unnatural attention to themselves." "Well, yeah, but yours is the best, far and away." "A list of everyone you're going to have sex with?" "Oh man, this other poor dick got the same list." "One name!" "The wife that he lost his virginity to." "What a sap!" " Fred" " I mean, can you imagine?" "[Beta] Fred!" "Mr. Blank, I think you know where I'm going with this." "If people were to find out about the machine, it would cause panic and confusion and" "You're threatening me?" "Not to be a smart-ass." "If your little oracle is for real, then I can't die before bedding down the last lady on the list." "Grand to finally meet you, Mr. Blank." "The door is at the end of the hall." "Yeah, and if you have any questions, drop in any time, bro." "Can't believe I believe all this." "But you do, and we appreciate it." "You've been guaranteed a robust sex life, Mr. Blank." "That should be enough for you." "Lose the list." "Burn it, bury it, whatever you need to do." "If you let the list in your life, it will infect every fiber of your being." "Bye-bye." "[chatter]" "[bike bell rings]" "I like him." "He seems sensible." "Hey, hey, uh, almighty, all-knowing guys?" "You just confirmed the validity of a list of 101 sure things." "Okay?" "So, a list like that, doesn't get burned or buried." "It gets used." "And I mean, it gets, like, crazy-montage-sequence used." ""French-New Wave, learning Gymkata," "I can't believe they could afford that song" montage." "[laughing] It's gonna be fucking nuts!" "He's just" "He's going to fuck a lot." "** [New Wave] [sighs]" "* I'm surrounded softly *" "* By the beat *" "* Still dumbfounded *" "* By the intolerable heat *" "* You came close to me *" "* And you danced *" "* It came close to *" "* Being my last *" "* I'll take what's mine *" "* Before I regret it *" "I'm saving that seat for a friend." "What's your name?" "Kathleen, Mr. Manners." " That's a shame." " What did you say?" "Oh, I said, it's a nice name." "Roderick Blank." "Ooh, first and last names, how formal." " Well..." " Ah." "Here's my standing up friend and colleague Greta Sampsa." "This is the guy who took your seat." "Greta Sampsa, now that's a fantastic name." "What would you like?" "A slow, nasty fuck on the coffee table." "Would you like that with Bacardi or Myer's?" "Bacardi." "[laughs]" "Did you know I was talking about a drink?" "Maybe, maybe not." "* I'll take what's mine before I... *" "This your only piece of ID?" "You swear you're not named after anyone else in your family?" "Listen, you're cute and I'm drunk, and my plane is grounded until tomorrow, but if you want to" "* I'll take what's mine *" "* Before I... *" "Noreen!" "Leslie and Yuca!" " Here you go." " Thanks, Bill." "Enjoy." "[Bill] Julie!" "* You're having my sex *" "* You're sleeping with my wife *" "* You're having my kids and the time of my life *" "* You're writing my book *" "* You're starring in my film *" "* You have the number one and my number ten *" "* We could be such very good friends *" "* If you let me in *" "* The higher the gates, the longer the wait *" "* Please let this poor boy sin *" "* You're having my sex *" "* You're sleeping with my wife *" "* You're having my kids and the time of my life *" "* You're writing my book *" "* You're starring in my film *" "[Narrating] I'd say that I was mature and content." "But if you have to say that stuff out loud, it can't possibly be true." "I thought I was above all the hot chicks, high-five, beer-commercial bullshit." "I was above nothing." "The list was life." "Have a startling and unique day," " Mr. Blank." " Thank you." "Wait a second, how did you know my name?" "Swallows is the case study in my business class." "I thought I'd get some first-hand experience and make a little money at the same time." "Very little money." "That's fascinating..." "Alexis." "Alexis de Large." "Wait a minute." "How did you know my last name?" "Yeah, yeah!" "That's the way you like it." "[Man] Well, yes, I find the honey mustard sauce really brings out the flavor." "Pull my hair." "[Man] What?" "Up to the window." "[gasping]" "Have a startling and u-- u-- u" "[Man] Is it too late to squeeze in a cherry pie?" "[Roderick narrating] April to August," "I went from number 29 to number 62." "Maybe I was moving too fast." "But then, I guess I was supposed to." "I crossed out the names, but remembered the faces." "Their stare, my stare." "We think if we exchange the meaningful stare, the meaning will kick in later." "But does it?" "One or both of you try to say something like," ""It's just sex."" "But is it?" "[beeps]" "[Woman] You think sending me a bunch of roses" " is going to make me-- - [beeps]" "[Woman #2] You think paying my car insurance" " is going to make me forget that you cheat-- - [beeps]" "[Woman #3] A stuffed animal?" "I overheard a waitress say you paid off her car ins-- [beeps]" "[Zack] Earth to Roderick Blank!" "Stop having hot sex." "Get your ass up to the house for a barbeque." "It is my boy Max's birthday." "Or my son Kyle." "Be here!" "[beeps]" "[Narrating] When my wedding was canceled, there had been a chill among the married folk." "You'd have thought I'd left them at the altar." "But now they kind of like having me around." "The ladies' man." "Lizzie is an amazing woman, Zack." "I mean, what she's done with that clinic." "[whistles]" "The way she's raised your two kids." "Yeah, yeah, my wife's a goddamn saint." "Now, this stewardess, did she say," ""Come on my ass" or "Come in my ass?"" "Oh, Roderick's definition of having children is a little different than ours." "Why raise them when you can pork them?" "Ooh!" "Lizzie, how many times do I have to tell you?" "I didn't know she was your niece." "Besides, she's 19-- and a half." "And I found her to be very mature for her age." "[women grousing]" " Rod!" " So bad." "[Narrating] Husbands, wives, kids, families." "It was not just a world I was supposed to want, it was a world I genuinely wanted." "What's life without experiencing the wonder of a child?" " [Boy] I named my hamster Dog." " Oh." "And when I get a dog, I'm going to name him after you." " [chuckles]" " Mr. Butt." "You about ready?" " Yeah." " [child whining]" "You know, maybe they're right." "I should lower the old periscope for a while, hold out for someone special." "Special?" "If the subject is cooking or crab grass, then you can listen to married people." "Come on." "You're hitting baskets from everywhere on the court." "This is no time to go back to the bench." "Hey." "I'm Bob." " Rod, is it?" " Yeah." "My apologies, I just-- I couldn't help overhearing your good fortune with the female of the species." "I'm hoping it'll rub off." "And why is that, kind sir?" "Oh, funny story." "One morning about five months ago," "I came to work, and right there on my computer screen, a day, a month and a year." "A date." "Today's date." "I'm utterly convinced that it's a sign." "The night that I'm to meet my soul mate." " [sotto voce] You had to ask him." " I've gone as far as to procure lodgings down the street at the Hotel Taboo." "Kind of spicy." "Wait." "You received an unexplained date as an e-mail?" "Yeah." "Your next drink's on me." "Oh, how very kind of you." "** [woman vocalizing]" "** [rock]" "Oh..." "I'd like to be the meat in that fairy sandwich." "So out of your league in so many ways." "* I need two girls *" "* If I can't have you *" " Holy lesbo." " [laughing]" "Is that Bambi and Thumper?" "* I need two girls *" "* If I can't have you *" "All right, Trix, they're all yours." "I'm out." " [Trixie laughs]" " Where's he" "What league are we talking about here?" "You don't know Bambi Kidd and Thumper Wint?" "The Euro-Prague rock superstar and the British astronaut?" "Rod!" "The Blog!" "The reality show." "The daily streaming video." "They are the Beyond-Ultimate Lesbian Power Couple." "They go from town to town, mm, raising awareness on important issues by empowering young women... and then seducing them." "I'm hoping for an autograph." "Or a three-way." "Oh, back off, they're looking over here." "[Roderick narrating] My friends, it's not about buying them flowers." "It's not about pretending to ignore them." "It's all about just knowing." "I know, easy for me to say." "Bambi and Thumper, was it?" "Bambi and Thumper." "W-Why are they staring at you?" "Oh, you've got to be kidding." "Don't tell me one of them is on that fucking list." " That list of fucking" " No, one of them is not on the list." "[Narrating] But you see, even before the list," "I always knew just knowing beats any gift, tactic, or opening line, no matter what the sexual orientation." "* If I can't have you *" "* One that I can love *" "* To have and to hold *" "* One for at the club *" "Wish me luck." "I may be coming in late tomorrow." "Rod?" "Hey, Rod!" "Hey!" "Hey, I found her!" "She's the one!" "Can you" " What a night!" "[sighs] What a night, indeed." "Hey, have you thought any more about my offer, my love?" "I mean, yours are nice, don't get me wrong." "Really, really nice, but is there really such a thing as too big?" " Let's just enjoy this moment." " All right." "Just, you know, with my position at the company," "I get a 40% discount on whatever kind of implant you want." " [spraying]" " Hey, Bob." "Seriously, enjoy the moment." "Okay." "You win." " [laughs, sighs] - [spraying continues]" ""My wounds are deeper than your desires."" ""My wounds are deeper than your desires."" ""My wounds are deeper than your desires."" ""My wounds are deeper than your desires."" "Drink?" "Don't mind if I do." "Is the gentleman surprised that he's here?" "No, the gentleman is not." "Oh!" "Did you hear that, Miss Kidd?" "He's very cocky." "Accent on the cock, Miss Wint." "[chuckles]" "Boy, my assistant is gonna kill me" "That is so sweet." "He is trying to talk to us." "Man-guy, just sign the confidentiality agreement on the table." "Now." "The kind sir does understand a vegan doesn't tell her friends that she just wolfed down a greasy cheeseburger." "[swing squeaks]" "Yes, the kind sir understands... kind of." "Bottoms up." " [woman screams] - [thud] [laughs] Whoa!" "Looks like everyone's having a good time tonight, huh?" "So what do you say about round two?" "I may need a little in about 30 minutes." "And I'd like you to meet my family, if that's okay." "I was thinking, I'm from, uh" "Oh, my God!" "Is that paint?" " Does that come off?" " [chuckling]" "Wh-- why would you do that?" "I put this room on my credit card." "What are you trying to do, imitate that disturbed woman who's going around..." "Oh, dear." "What can I say, Bob?" "Some dreams are too true to be good." "Well, I must say, you're being a real cun-- uh" " I didn't say it-- cunning woman, you are." "That's what I was-- I was g-- help?" "[Bambi, in next room] Ow!" "I was faking it!" "Don't tell me you were faking it, Miss Kidd." "I know when you're faking it, and you did that thing with your toes!" " No..." " Bambi, Thumper, please, don't fight." "You said you wouldn't get jealous, Miss Wint!" "[yelping, grunting]" "Okay." "Maybe fight a little more." "This is not about sex!" "This is about intimacy!" "Real intimacy!" "That's it." "Turn the cameras off." "Keep the camera rolling!" " Cameras?" "Rolling?" " [thud]" "Oh, no, no." "No, this is crazy." "You can't film this!" "Well, you did know the confidentiality agreement's really a release form." "Haven't you seen our show?" "Don't you change the subject, Star Whore." "[Thumper laughing]" " [glass shatters] - [squealing, struggling]" "Help me, somebody!" "It's her!" "She's here!" "I think they're kind of having some problems of their own there, Bob." "Please!" "Just tell me what you want from me!" "Why don't you sleep on it, Bob?" "Take forever, if you have to." "Don't." "Please." "Please." "Please wait." "Just wait." "Wait." "I" " This is not fair." "It's not like I hit you, or roofied you, or openly exploited you in" "Oh, this is the breast implant thing?" "Okay." "Look, I'm just the company accountant." "I keep the books!" "Please!" "All I need to know is, why?" "I deserve a good reason" "Why do men always get to have reasons?" "Did you think women get to have reasons when they get attacked?" "I want everyone on red alert here." "Although you do bring up a legitimate point." "I mean, you're not Master Bitchslap or the Parkside Peeper." "Or even that captain of the lacrosse team, who" "Whoap!" "[thud]" "Bob?" "Oh..." "Bob." " [car drives by]" " Aw, pilgrim." "Guess it was just your time." " [Bambi and Thumper struggling, yelping] - [objects breaking] [groans] [screaming, shattering]" "Oh, yeah..." "What a night." " [whimper] - [sighs]" "What time do you have to be down at the new location?" "Trixie?" "Hey, I'm sorry about last night." "If it makes you feel any better, it was the most traumatic night of my" "Okay, well, it wasn't all bad, but..." "I'm sorry." "It's always been a fantasy to be with two women at once." "You know, lesbians, rock stars, astronauts." "Okay, maybe not astronauts." "But you know, sexy female space travelers." "You're giving the finger to the intercom box, aren't you?" " [screaming, struggling] - [Roderick] I know." "I know." "I lied about 'em being on the list." "The list." "Damn it!" "Don't get me wrong, a piece of paper that tells me whether or not I'm gonna get lucky, you're not gonna say anything bad about, but... it's-- it's like... watching a tape of a football game," "and you know your team wins." "It's not unenjoyable, but can it really compare to watching the game live, and they're going for it on the fourth down?" " And you don't know if" " Sports metaphors... aren't my thing." "But it sounds like you're going for" ""The thrill of the pursuit is more exciting than the conquest."" "I can't help it!" "I mean, I see the name," "I want to find her and meet her, so I can cross her out, and I can get to the next name." "I'm not in control of my own destiny." "That may be true." "But you're not supposed to know that!" "You're meddling with the primal forces of nature." "I mean, my God." "Am I on the list, too?" " [laughing]" " I mean" "Ah." "Whew." "[chuckling]" "You got scared there a little, didn't you?" " Oh, you were more scared." " Yes." "Trixie?" "What if I were meant to be with these women, no matter what?" "What if you were meant to bury the list, and calm the heck down?" "You know... if we bury the list, guess what?" "You were meant to bury the list." "Live your life." "Whatever happens, happens." "[grunting]" "You know, it's a sheet of paper, not a body." " Sheet of paper, not a body!" " [groans]" "Yeah." "It's time." " Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho." " Breathe." "Breathe, Roderick!" "Yeah!" "Breathe!" "Yes, I have deleted all remnants of the list on my hard drive." "But remember, oh weak one, we are putting a tulip to mark this spot." "If you wuss out, we will dig it up." " Wait." "One more name?" " Oh, Rod!" " Please?" " [snorts]" "Couple of letters I'm gonna give ya." "Dr. Mir" "Please, one more letter." "What's that gonna make?" "One letter-- no!" "Don't grab it!" "Mir" " Mir" " One more letter!" " That's it!" "We're ready!" "[struggling, whooping]" "I'm starting to take a liking to Trixie." "I think she's a very good influence." "It's not gonna happen, Beta." "You can't bury something that precious." "[sighs] Death Nell took her tenth victim last night." " Hm?" " That double-digit rule." "When a serial killer hits ten, we get called." "We" " Like we don't have enough on our plate?" "I thought she only did comas!" "Not last night." "But on the side of the bright, home base says the machine has taken an interest." "No way he's really doing it!" "Ready?" " Quick." "Before I change my mind." "Way to go, Roderick." "Way to go." "[chuckles]" "[Zack] Rod, you're missing this." "They crossed into our territory." "We could lose this." "I know." "Isn't it exciting?" "[Zack] If we blow it again in their red zone, it's gonna leave a bad taste in my mouth." "That's what your boyfriend said last night." " Hey..." " Lester, what are you feeding your turtle?" "Ugh." "Anything that will make him sick." "I'm sorry, Skippy." "But Daddy's gotta see that veterinarian." "What?" "This is nothing!" "I saw this freak in a parking lot try to shove a bottle opener in a Great Dane's ass, just to get an emergency appointment." "Are you talking about the vet over on Vera Donna?" " Oh..." " Lizzie threatened to put Mr. Whiskers to sleep if I went near that place again." " She is so pretty." " Mmm." "But not in like a, "I'm a model, don't fucking look at me" way." " And she's just so smart and funny." " Yes." "And you know what I love about her?" "My favorite thing." " The way she cracks her neck." " Mmm-mm-mm." " What about that silver anklet of hers?" " Ohh..." "You know, if you can't make it to the clinic, you should try the gym on Wednesday, or Trader Joe's on Thursday." " Well, I do like Trader Joe's." " Yeah." "It's all on the Dr. Miranda Storm website." "Yeah, it's a website." "I've been there." "It's put together by one of these real stalker geek types." "Oh, thank God you're not one of those." "Ladies, we've got a football game going on here." "Enough talking about the X chromosome." "Especially the almighty Dr. Miranda" "Dr. Mir" "Is he smirking?" "You're smirking." "Why is Rod smirking?" "[Roderick] Interception!" " [crowd roars]" " You see it?" "[all yelling at once]" "I told you!" "I told you!" "Yes!" "Oh, yes!" "[laughing] [sighing]" "Phew." "Perfecto." "I can still make Miranda's 4:20 Starbucks appearance." "She orders a... [in unison] Macchiato with extra foam." "I could use some caffeine myself." "I'll come with." "No, you're not getting anywhere near her, Midas Dick." "Fine." "I'll go to Deitrich's, then." "I got work to do, anyway." "Please, Rod." "Just this one time, don't seduce this-  [squish] - [all yelling]" " Oh, diarrhea!" "Yes!" " [laughing]" "[cracking]" "[clears throat]" "You always carry a bottle opener?" "This little guy?" "He's been through a lot." "I quit my job today because of this bottle opener." "Not-so-great day." "Long story." "[sets down opener]" "Why were you staring at me?" "Oh, don't worry, Doc." "I'm not one of your stalkers." "If I were, I'd be at Starbucks about now, wouldn't I?" "You've seen the website." "No." "I've-- I've heard about it." "I've heard about you." "Really." "Well, you missed out." "It's quite good." "It's got great graphics, challenging quizzes." "It's obviously caused me to rearrange my rituals." "[deep breath]" "You're not gonna use your spoon, are you?" "[mouths word]" "[chuckles]" "Okay." "The bottle opener, I'm gonna let slide." "But the spoon?" "Start talking." "A place like this, it gives you a knife, a fork, a spoon, wrapped in a napkin." "Now the knife, the fork, the napkin, they all get used." "Most cafe items, they don't call for a spoon." "But that little guy, he gets thrown in the washing machine, over and over, time and time again." "Without a sense of worth." "Not only compassionate to furry creatures, but inanimate objects as well." "There's gonna be some fun in the chat room tonight." "You're doing it again." "That funny, charming staring thing." "It's not unpleasant." "[chuckles]" "But you should know that I...recently got out of a very bad relationship, so I'm" "Yeah, I just got out of a lot of bad relationships." "I promise I won't fall in love with you as long as you promise you won't fall in love with me." "Oh, I promise." "Favorite Vonnegut." "One, two, three." "[Both] Cat's Cradle." "Favorite Dylan." "One, two, three." "[Both] Nashville Skyline." "Funniest movie ever made." "One, two, three." " Some Like It Hot." " Caddyshack." "Oh." "Guys in dresses." "That's really reinventing the wheel there, Roderick." "A woman who likes Caddyshack." "[Miranda] Who wouldn't like Caddyshack?" "[Roderick] Favorite porno?" "One, two, three." "[laughing]" "[Roderick narrating] All those tingling thrill-of-the-pursuit feelings came flooding back." "So then came wish three." "I said I wanted a pumpkin as a head." "[laughing]" "Sure, I had the whole "Dr. Mir" thing, from my peek at the list, to clue me into where Miranda and I were heading." "But this would be more than a romance." "More than a mere checking-off of a name." "This would be love." "Why rush the sex?" " Okay." " All day, people wheel and take back the carts in the front." "And this poor bastard in the middle" " probably hasn't been pushed in months." " Tragic." "It's tr-- you know what?" "It is." "Help." "You know, you say you've been looking for an idea for a children's book." "How about all these inanimate objects of yours?" "The spoon that never gets used." "The missing sock that reunites with his twin." "The multi-CD player that tragically gets turned off seconds before proudly finishing a five-disc shuffle." "[chuckles]" "That's so it." "Yes, it is." "Roderick..." "I've been looking for you all my life." "You're the best!" "Come on." "Get out." "[Roderick narrating] Okay." "The cheek thing had thrown me a bit." "But there's nothing like a warm kiss coming after a delicious home-cooked meal." "Compliments to the chef." " Hmm." " [laughing]" " Yup." "I was back in the kitchen." " Yeah?" "And the chef thinks you're pretty great, too." "Oh, I'm sorry." "I'm just-- just not" " No, no, no, no." "It's okay." " I'm just feeling" "Just relax." "It's okay" " No, Roderick." " It's all right." "[sighs]" "I adore you." "I do." "I'm just... screwed up about sex." "Ah, it's okay" "I mean, you're handsome." "Devilishly so, if you must know." "[both laughing]" "It's just... you so remind me of the guy my mom went out with, after the divorce, Rockin' Randy." "He ran the surf shop." "And he was a cross between you and Bam-Bam from The Flintstones." "Listen, okay, look." "I'm not saying nothing's ever gonna happen between us." "I'm not saying that." "I'm just" "I'm just saying if it's gonna happen... it's just gonna happen." " [whispers] Yeah." " Right?" "Yeah." "Really, why worry about it?" "You're the best." "I'm gonna clean up." "You can pick out another DVD." "Something funny." "[smooch]" "[wind blowing]" "[Narrating] I guess you could say that's when the madness set in." "Thanks." "So Miranda and I went to the Fellini retrospective yesterday." "Oh, she said the coolest thing." " If Marcelo were alive" " Have you fucked her yet?" "What is with that question?" "Have you fucked her yet?" "Have you fucked her yet?" "Son... have you fucked her yet?" "[Man] Yo, Rod, have you fucked her-  [beeps] - [Man #2] Hey, have you-- [answering machine messages repeating]" "Let me tell you something." "Miranda and I are building a bond of trust and respect." "Excuse me for still believing that love is something more than a sloppy fusion of genitalia." "Miranda, we need to discuss something." " I" " Oh, shit." " Shit, shit, shit." " You okay?" "Hide me." "No, just hide me." "Sure." "There's a Frida Kahlo-looking dude." "No, no, right" "Oh, no, I got it." "I met him at this Halloween Poe poetry reading thing." "I can't believe I slept with him." "I was wasted." "Halloween, two weeks ago Halloween?" "[Miranda] I told you, I'm totally screwed up about sex." "Screwed up about sex?" "Screwed up about sex?" "It's more like you're screwing." "That's funny." "Come on, let's go somewhere else." "Bam-Bam." "[Narrating] Back in the day, if a woman didn't have sex with you it was okay, because it wasn't like she was having sex with anyone else." "Where is that whore-bitch Jane Austen when you need her?" "I chose to remember the good times." "The way Miranda made you feel like you were the only one in the world." "That time she read my slaughterhouse reform bill." "[neck cracks]" "It's wonderful, just wonderful." "[Roderick narrating] But then there was that next day at lunch." "How was that salad for you?" "Oh... [neck cracks]" "Wonderful, just wonderful." "And in conclusion, yeah, go ahead, crucify me, but I refuse to live in a society that has reduced the world to the question," ""Have you fucked her yet?"" "[Both] That would be a no." "I don't even think he's seen her naked." "[all laughing] [belches]" " Oh..." " [neck cracks]" "Wonderful, just wonderful." "What the fuck?" "I'm not saying nothing's ever gonna happen between us." "Doctor..." "Mir-- hah!" "That's what I'm talking about." "Yes, Dr. Mirabella Stone!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "[buzzer]" "Don't mock me." "Miranda told me she was coming out of a bad relationship." "And no one has ever had sex coming out of a bad relationship." "Oh, we're moving way too fast," "I'm not feeling well." "If someone wants to have sex with you, they'll have sex with you." "The rest is just dinner theater." "So that's it." "The machine." "Oh, no, the machine is much" "Sure." "The wall has a connection." "Thing's going to be the death of me." "Oh, come on, cheer up, droopy drawers." "I mean, look on the side of the bright." "Even if you went down to a tropical island, all right?" "The remaining 34 chicks on this list would be renting jet skis to zoom down there and party with you whether you liked it or not." "I don't like it." "I don't want other women." "I want Miranda!" "I've been a good sport with this thing." "There was a little weirdness at the beginning, but I went with the flow." "I sabotaged a wedding, I lost deposits," "I toyed with a lot of people's feelings, including my own, but I didn't care." "I care now." "I have found someone that touches me down to my marrow." "And if you think that some contraption is gonna" "You know, you know-- sometimes love is stronger than" "No, it's not!" "I was so proud of you when you... were burying the list in the backyard." "Horoscopes, psychics, Tarot cards, coming attractions that give away the whole movie." "Why must you people know everything?" "That's a good point, Alpha, sir." "Remember when you said the machine was a mystery?" "That could mean that there's some kind of kink or flaw, something that we don't know about" "Stop thinking about the machine, Mr. Blank." "It's progress." "There's nothing you can do about it." "Science and technology don't care whether we live or die." " [high-pitched tone] - [beep]" "Excuse me." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "The solution's been right in front of us the whole time!" "What, what is it?" "Blow jobs." "Blow jobs!" "Oh, man, what a loophole." "All right, sex is work." "Is she having a good time?" "Am I meeting her needs?" "You got to think about her feelings, but with a blow job, you just lie back, every now and then touch the back of her head if you think she's getting tentative." "I mean, seriously, if someone gives me an intercourse buffet, or just a blow job on a stick," "I'll take blow job on a stick, dude." "No, you people-- you people are sick." "I've given my heart to Miranda." "I want to cradle her in my arms," "I want to make the kind of love where you feel as though you're one living, breathing..." "You really think she might go down on me?" "Death Nell has just put to sleep an entire fraternity in Fresno." "Eight members." "Death Nell?" "What do you guys do for a living again?" "It's the double-digit rule." "When a serial killer hits ten victims, we get called." "No, I'm still getting details." "Apparently..." "Well, apparently it was the same frat house that was acquitted last year for manufacturing the date rape drug." "[all hooting]" "[Alpha] D.N. put her own drug in the keg." "Is that amusing to you, Roderick?" "No, I'm just checking my messages." "The almighty machine's rep's about to take another hit." "[beeps]" "[Miranda] They love the concepts, they love the drawings, they-- they're going to publish the book!" "Rod, I owe you so, so, much!" "There's no way we are not celebrating tonight." "Okay?" "So I'm going to be at your place, 8:00 sharp, ready for action." "I so love you." "You're a very lucky man to have found such a soulmate, Mr. Blank, but unfortunately" "It's in her voice!" "You don't even need the bizarro list." "She doesn't think of you in-- [sighs] Roderick..." "I'm certain that some very interesting things will occur this evening." "Your penis going into her vagina will not be one them." "[chuckles]" "But have a lovely evening." "Gentlemen, I'd love to stay and chat, but I got a date with a lady." "I don't think he's even seen her naked." "[knocking at door]" "Hey!" "Author!" "Author!" "Thank you." "J.K. Rowling, eat shit." "I'm so sorry I'm late, it's just" "It's been crazy." "But I told everyone that we'd meet them at the bar." " It's my treat, for once." " Everyone?" "I thought tonight was between you and" "I made pesto." "You did." "That's so sweet, but Rod, we gotta go out." "We're celebrating!" "My brother and the two Jessicas, they're already there, but you know what, it's no big deal." " Hey, hey, just relax." " Listen, if you-- what?" "Let's just hang for a bit, you know, a little pre-party." "Dude, I thought we were past this." "No?" "Miranda, I know you once said you weren't attracted to me, but that was before we went on the camping trip." "That was before I loaded the graphics program into your laptop." " Before" " Why is it that men think that women-- women are like these giant thermometers at those telethons, where every time you do something nice for them, they get a little redder, and a little redder," "and a little redder, and a little redder, and when you hit the top, we have to fuck you?" "That is not funny!" "Shit!" "Okay, I'm sorry." "All right, just slip on down here, just do a little clean-up." "Hey, what are the five scariest words a woman can say?" " I wanna be" " Just friends." "You know, it's like some bad stand-up routine." "Just?" "Just." "Do you know how important it was for me to make one real friend in this city?" "I would die for you." "Who do you think I'm dedicating my book to?" "My insane parents?" ""To Roderick Blank, my friend."" "[sighs]" "Nice celebration." " [gasps] - [crashing] [crunch]" "Oh, Miranda." "Man, that is one tough break." "Girlfriend finds out her little book's getting published and then..." "It's terrible." "Not my girlfriend." "For what it's worth, from our end, we're satisfied the death was just an accident." "[whispers] Just" "Excuse me, officer," "I wanted to give Mr. Blank the opportunity" " to say goodbye to his girlfriend." " Not my" "Can I be alone with her?" "Miranda." "Oh, precious Miranda." "You know, I never wanted this." "I-I only wanted" "They said that we could never, never ever be together." "But hey, we're gonna have the last laugh, are we not, my love?" "[Narrating] Okay, now that I think about it, maybe this is where the madness set in." "Yes, I know, my beacon of light." "This is sad, this is desperate, this is disgusting, but aren't all revolutions?" "We have to stand up to the list." "Stand up to the machine." "Stand up to fate." "Stand up, soldier." "Oh, come on, stand up." "Oh, let it out, Mr. Blank." "It's okay." "Let it out." "You poor, sweet man." "You poor, sweet, handsome man." "Oh, shh..." "It's okay." "[Narrating] Sorry." "Believe me, I'd hoped it was a dream sequence, too." "If it makes you feel any better, my tale has a satisfying ending." "But this isn't it." "It's only number 67." "[Crowd] Six, five, four, three, two, one, Happy New Year!" "[champagne cork popping]" "Nobody has said "Happy New Year" to you." "Thank you." "Roderick Blank." "Ester Fenchel." "But your friends call you Terry." "[laughs] No, but that's strange because that's my husband's name, Terry." "Nice tie." " [champagne cork popping] - [cheering]" "Just leave the bottle." "Gentlemen, I give you the Matador." "Oh!" "No!" "Not the prototype!" "[Narrating] Eating and starving, and eating and starving." "I was told to take some time off, to get away from it all for a while." "But there was no escape." "I had noticed a lot of French, German, and Italian names on the list, so I dutifully booked passage to Europe." "Hearing of all the magnifique women, my friends concluded that I had had the greatest vacation of all time." "I'm glad they enjoyed it." "[clears throat]" "Good evening." "You have to fuck me, so come over and fuck me." "No dinner." "Do you have a pen?" "Let me give you directions." "[Woman] Ew!" "[beeps] [phone twittering]" "Hello." "Oh, star 69." "Yes, it was a crank." "I'm sorry." "Your mother picked up?" "Fainted?" "Yes." " Oh, my God, I'm so sorry." "[laughing]" "Why are you laughing?" "[Narrating] In my own feeble way," "I had tried to defy the list." "But once again, the list knew what it was doing, what I was doing." "But guess what." "I was about to meet a woman that was the answer to all my problems." " Hope?" " Amber Anne." "Roderick?" "I've been trying for years to get a rise out of my mother." "You did it in five seconds." "Name your poison." "[Narrating] Hope Hartlight was the author of a best-selling self-help book." "I found her to be warm, compassionate, and a little old." "So I wasn't attracted to Hope Hartlight." "It's not like I was going to get out of having sex with her." "So, to her surprise, I asked her out again, figuring we'd eventually accidentally end up having sex, and I could move on." "But a funny thing happened." "Hope listened." "Hope guided." "Hope was literature after ten months of pop-up books, chess after ten months of checkers." "You're a chapter 17." "May she spring eternal" "As for my friends, what do you think?" "Hope was an Earth-mother goddess, put down here to save the sinner's soul." "If you let her go, I'll bring her back." "You know, you strike me as the kind of guy who would make fun of a one-month anniversary celebration." "You've changed me." "You've healed me." "That's a really beautiful thing to say." "Thank you." "You know, I've got that book signing next week in Vermont." "I'm thinking maybe you should come with me." "They've got a terrific bed and breakfast up there." "Oh, my God." "We could just sleep late, on the day I don't have to work, of course." "But you could just hang out all day." "You can walk around naked in the backyard." "There's nobody there, it's off-season." "[Narrating] Hope Hartlight didn't really vanish into thin air like that." "It took a couple of weeks." "How could being the answer to all my problems not be enough?" "If a friend of mine had been going out with Hope," "I'd be so proud of him." "Guess that's the problem." "I'd be proud, but I wouldn't be jealous." "And a man would rather have another man's jealousy than another man's respect." "Man, hate to say that one out loud." "Okay." "So, maybe Hope wasn't the hottest piece of pie you've ever been with, but Roderick, I was so proud of you." "Us married guys are taking a lot of heat over this one, big guy." "It seems that you broke some" ""messing with the feelings of a woman over 35" covenant." "I thought we agreed we weren't going to do an intervention." "No, we agreed we wouldn't use the word "intervention."" " Of course it's an intervention." " Okay." "Poor Rod, still under the illusion that out there walking around is the perfect girl, just for him." "[Announcer] News break!" "This just in." "The woman known to the world as Death Nell has apparently left her driver's license at the site of her latest attack." "It is the break in the case investigators have been hoping and praying for all year." "And now, Channel Nine gives you an exclusive first look at this dramatic license." "If you're just joining us," "Death Nell seduced and sedated misogynist shock jock D.J. Harry Hunt during a commercial break on his morning drive-time program." "I appreciate everyone's concern here." "I, um..." "Hello?" "Hey, Trixie, turn that up." "Did they really catch that satanic succubus?" "No, and the word's "freedom fighter."" " Can we go in closer on that license" " Let me guess." "I'm gonna bet that her real name is not Death Nell!" "This is some intervention." "Gillian De Raisx." "That name again, folks, Gillian De Raisx." "Death Nell is Gillian De Raisx." "[Narrating] Gillian De Raisx." "The X is silent." "It was a name that sounded familiar." "And when a name sounded familiar, it usually meant..." "Okay, this wasn't happening." "I know what you're thinking." "Surely I would have memorized the last name on the list." "Not to put too fine a point on it, but why?" "No one wants to think about the last name on the list, because the last name on the list means..." "What did you say to him?" "Where's he going?" "[laughing]" "Fred!" "Oh, man, it's kind of funny." "It's not like she's the next one." "She may not be the next one, but she sure as hell is the last one." "Hey, there's got to be another woman on the planet whose name is Gillian De aisx." "With her last name spelled with a silent X?" " I don't think so." " Calm down." "Gillian de Raisx may not be the Gillian de Raisx." "As you can see, the machine is closing in on the one known as Death Nell." "The timelines have been just a little off, but" "Oh, great." "More coordinates." "At this rate, I'd say a couple of weeks from now by the end of March, the Oracle will tell us where Gillian de Raisx is staying at the precise moment she's staying there." "Now, I'm assuming, Mr. Blank, that you can hold off from having sex with how many?" " Twenty." " Twenty." "Twenty different women in the next two weeks." "Hey, I've had sex with three women in my entire life-- none if you don't count paying for it." "I could live off 20 women." "Now, we can tell you not to have sex, but you have to go beyond that now." "You have to take your mind to a whole other realm." "Read a book you've always wanted to read." "I find model airplanes can be an exacting but ultimately rewarding" "Model airplanes are great, but I got to go back to the blow jobs." "Fred." "Not constructive." "How do you feel about biking?" "[chuckle]" "I can't believe these are the kind of conversations" "I've become a part of." "He's still in torment." "Give him one." "One what?" "Ah, yes, yes." "Our aforementioned Oracle, while rather erratic in capturing criminals, has come up with the answers to some of our culture's most significant mysteries." "And I think we can give you one of them." "Any of the biggies?" "Okay, uh, who killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman?" " You're kidding." " Yeah, I'm kidding." "Let me see." "Let me see." "How about who really shot JFK?" "Oh, pick another one." "It takes, like, 20 minutes to print out." "Okay, life on other planets." "How many planets in the universe have-  [Alpha] Eleven." " Eleven?" "That's it?" "That's it." "How many more do you want?" "Wait a sec." "Does God exist?" "Cut it out." "You only get one." "Please." "You guys are mean." "You don't want to be in L.A. on July 4th weekend." "Beta, enough." "[claps hands]" "There are 20 human shields between you and Miss de Raisx." "Be conservative." "Don't use up any of them until we catch the villainess." "And remember... a new realm of existence." "A new realm of existence." "No sex... no death." "Good luck." "** ['60s rock]" "* On my own again *" "* Oh, oh *" "* On my own again *" "* Oh, oh *" "* On the move again * [sigh]" "* I need to be *" "* On my own again *" "* I want to be *" "* On my own again *" "Yay!" "Whoo!" "[crash] [crash]" "[Lester, reading] "I never believed the wild and lascivious letters in your magazine were true until now."" ""My best friend was cycling upstate" ""when his bike hit a pothole," ""sending him head over heels." ""Lucky for my buddy, a bus on its way" ""up to an 'Up With Jesus' jamboree, stopped," ""and the students of a nondenominational Idaho Bible college" ""lifted his dazed, bruised body" ""and put it in the middle of the aisle." ""He thought they were going to help him." ""Instead, they helped themselves." ""Among the girls of the bus," ""there had been much talk of the albatross" ""of not having lost one's virginity." ""My friend's appearance on the road" ""was taken as a sign." ""A pact was made." ""Everyone's virginity must go," ""and he would be the chosen vessel." ""All virgins." ""All 18-year-olds." ""Uniforms." ""Nineteen 18-year-old virgins in uniforms." "Straws were drawn, and first up was Mona Farlow."" "Fuck." "Fuck!" "Fuck." "Fuck, fuck, fuck." "Fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck." "Fuck." "Fuck." "Fuck!" ""It was a day my friend would never forget."" "Any changes before we mail it in?" "Please stop." "I can't take it." "I'm curious." "Was there a lot of blood?" "Sorry." "Never mind." "Wow!" " The ultimate male perversion." " God!" "You can die now." "Well, that seems to be the problem." "Have I told you all the good news?" "I'm getting married." "The lucky gal's name is Ethel Walters." "I hope you can all make the wedding." "Ethel Walters?" "Do we know her?" "I don't know." "Do you?" "I really need to get in touch with her right away." "Does the name ring a bell with anyone?" "Maybe you should lie back down." "Hey, you know what?" "Where was the driver in all this?" "Because I get that the church group chaperone was on another bus, but you can't tell me they let the second group of girls just transport themselves." "The driver, yeah." "I don't seem to r" "That's funny." "The driver..." "There's a whole lot of action going on back here." "Figure I'd get myself a piece." "Now, now, you relax." "You skinny little white girls ain't tattling on nobody." "Fuck!" "[knocking]" "You can't have sex with me!" "Roderick, it's me, Trixie." "I'm not going to rape you." " You know that." " Just leave me alone." "Get up, you big baby." "Got one word for you:" "Qantas." "You are going to Australia." "Your flight leaves in the morning, so start packing." "You don't get it." "I can't escape." "She'll rent a jet ski, and she'll track me down." "I was on the Net all night." "I found another Gillian de Raisx." "Oh, yeah, that spells her last name with a" "Yes, with a silent X." "She's a marine biologist based outside of Sydney." "Oh, this picture." "Which one's the walrus?" "She's big-boned with a healthy appetite for life, asshole." "What is" " What is that on her face?" "It's a rash from her exploration of the Barrier Reef." " Ooh." " Oh, God!" "Roderick, you'd rather die than have sex with an overweight woman with a slight skin condition?" "But it's-- it's not that slight." "Trixie, I'm sure she's a great" "I got you some books to read on the plane." "I have underlined some very good conversation starters." "So help me, if you do not go Down Under and seduce this Sheila" "Well, I do like dolphins." "Trixie." "No matter what happens, thank you for being there." "You're a true pal." "It's good to be a lesbian, isn't it?" "Send me a postcard, jerk." "With a koala on it." "* Doot-doo doot-doo doo-doo-doo-doo *" "* Doot-doo doot-doo doo-doo-doo-doo *" "* Doot-doo doot-doo doo-doo-doo-doo *" "* Doo-doo-doo-doo doot-doo-doo doo-doo-doo *" "* Doot-doo doot-doo doo-doo-doo-doo * [whistling]" "* Doo-doo-doo-doo *" "* Doot-doo doot-doo doo-doo-doo-doo *" " * Doo-doo-doo-doo * - [chop] [phone twitters]" "[twitter] [twitter]" "[beep]" "Please don't pork me." "[Fred, laughing] Hey, if you insist, hot rod." "Listen, the Almighty Oracle has come through." "We have confirmation that Death Nell is going to be down here at the Mayfair Hotel." "[sigh]" "I've entered her room." "Mr. A's not here at this precise moment, but her things most certainly are." "Friends, I've got chills." "Fred, Beta, you guys" "Wait." "It's April Fool's Day, isn't it?" "[Alpha] It's 10 after midnight," " officially April 2." " Ha." "Yes, Roderick." "We have quite a welcoming party planned for the nasty minx." "Oh." "Oh, this is-- this is amazing." "You don't know what it's been like." "And I have found the loophole of all loopholes." "It's not blow jobs, and it's not hand jobs." "It's exes." "It's ex, as in ex-girlfriends, all right?" "I want-- just-- listen." "Check the names on the list." "Do any names appear twice?" "Any doubles?" "All right, no." " Then don't tell me..." " [crash] that you've never hooked up with some ex-girlfriend for a little, uh, you know, "remember when" sex." "No, you're right." "I had sex with Laura Baxter every time I came home for Christmas." "And she's only listed once." "And whenever I travel through St. Louis," "I always stop in on Diana Scott." "We're going to get you some reelection sex, all right?" "I'm talking about Grover Cleveland poontang." "Go back to Hope, number 80." "What you had was real." "She'll take you back." "Yes." "There's Hope." "I've had so many wonderful, fascinating women in my life." "I've never really been worthy of any of them." "Uhh!" "Don't listen to Beta." "Do not listen to him." "He hates boners and fun, all right?" "What you have to do is you got to find that school bus, and you got to hook up with those little Bible brats numbers 81 through 99, and maybe give 84 a pass with the back zits." " And you just get-- get" " Sir?" "Yes." "It's right there." "Get one of them to change her name to Gillian de Raisx." "And you perfect" "[Alpha] Stop it." "[sighs] The theories on the table are adorable." "But Roderick, be cool." "Gillian will be at the hotel any minute, and our organization-- well, we don't believe in trials and arrests." "So I want you to hang tight, and do not, I repeat, do not leave your house." "Okay." "Call you when she's dead." "All right." "I'll be here." "Thank you." "Good-bye." "[beep]" "Ohh..." "[sighs]" "[sighs]" "[Narrating] Did you really think I was gonna get off easy?" "Did you want me to?" "I know I promised you a satisfying ending, but there will be no triumphant return to Fiona, Hope, or anybody else." "There will be no chasing a cab, no stopping a wedding, no tearful reconciliations on a train platform, and no morning flights to Australia." "To escape the sins of my April 2nd to April 2nd saga would feel so, so wrong." "Yes, my true destiny was staying in a hotel downtown." "I was going out with a lady called Death." "No God or Machine could help me now." "And that felt so, so right." "You live by the sword, you die by the sword." "One sexual position left." "Call it the karma sutra." "The end is coming." "And coming is the end." "We've checked all the sectors, Fred." "Okay, you know what?" "My name is not Fred." "It's Commander Delta." " It-- just go." "In." " Move." "Excuse me." "Miss Death?" "Nell?" "Or do you prefer Gillian?" "I'm not afraid of you anymore." "[women laughing]" "Death Nell's alive and inside us." "[mocking laughter]" "Look at him!" "He's so scared!" "Aww!" "[hooting, mocking]" "Oh, where you going?" "Come back, ladies' man!" "[hooting, mocking]" "[panting]" "Whew..." "[Gillian] Well, you caused quite a commotion out there." "Is there something you wanted to tell me?" "Tell you?" "No." "I, uh" "Oh." "Hi." "Agents." "There's agents staked out at your hotel." "In your room." "Thanks." "You know I'm not innocent, right?" "Yeah." "Can I" " Can I join... [menus slam]" "Wow." "This, uh, place is amazing." "You know, I'm kind of in the business." "I've never heard of it." "Yeah, I just discovered it the other night." "There are not a lot of places in this town that stay open late." "Yeah." " Do" " You know, I" " I" " Well-- [clears throat] Sorry." " You go." " No, you go." "You know, this is-- this is strange for me." "I've never had a volunteer before." "Some guys will do anything to get laid." "[laughing]" "Uh-oh." "This has a... a grape aftertaste." "And you do realize that" "I can't guarantee when or-- or even if you'll wake up." "Yeah." "No, I understand." "[silverware clatters]" "[sighs]" "You mind if I ask you-- you tell me if this is too personal, but, uh..." "how did you get here?" "You know, in the larger sense?" "It's not like I'm gonna be telling anyone for an indefinitely long period of time." "[chuckles]" "I don't know." "I don't" "I'm not gonna talk about my childhood." "You know?" "'Cause that's not what" "My childhood wasn't any better or worse than anyone else" "Oh, well, okay." "It was a little worse." "But, uh-- but I escaped." "That's where I studied poetry and chemistry." "Obviously better at the latter than the former." "No, I wouldn't say that." "I really enjoy your writing." "[stammers softly]" "You're right, these spices do look amazing." "I mean, I've only read the stuff that gets printed in the paper, after each incident." "But what was it you spray-painted after Number Seven?" ""My ecstasy, your annihilation."" "[Both] "Our mess, nothing left to transgress."" " That's good." " [sighs]" "But where was I?" "Oh!" "Yes, of course." "Before I could graduate, I was swept off my feet." "My husband was this, uh-- [deep breath] everything a girl's supposed to want, right?" "You know." "I was his-- his princess." "He was my Prince Charming." "Can I try some of your kale?" " Trade you for that cherry tomato." " All right." "You don't have to go on if you don't want to." "No..." "It actually feels good to say the bad out loud." "But when I said I was his princess," "I wasn't being metaphorical." "[Death Nell] Every week, a new princess costume and a new wig." ""This way, I won't cheat,"" "was the charming way he put it." "At first, it was...fun?" "But then it wasn't." "It got rough, and I-- [police sirens]" "[sirens retreat]" "Did he hit you?" "Aw..." "You know, I've put over 20 men into a coma." "When you're handing out that kind of punishment-- [clears throat] The short answer is yes." "Yeah, he hit me." "And pretty much every other verb you could come up with." "But nothing above the neck." "The Princess and the Pirate." "The Princess and the Viking." "The Princess and the Mongol Warlord." "Occasionally, he'd mix it up and we'd do The Sound of Music, as if the Nazis won." "You know, it couldn't be a crime." "He was my husband." "I did not complain." "I did not ask questions." "Although, why anyone would want to treat" "Julie Andrews as a human ashtray..." "As far as questions go, that's a pretty good one." "[laughs]" "It did improve my poetry, though." "It gave me a lot of good material to work with." "God, you're a good listener, man." "You really are." "Oh, God-- oh." "Then came Valentine's Day." "Oh, that was on a good one." "My hopeless situation, my inability to change." "But all in iambic pentameter, of course." " And then..." " [groans]" "F" "[thud, clatter, crack]" "[thud]" "I should have been happy, right?" "They tried everything." "They couldn't wake me up." "They thought I was in a coma." "And that's when I had the vision." "[birds chirping]" "I had become my own Prince Charming." "But there was much work to be done in my kingdom." "Battles to be fought, wars to be won." "You can pretty much connect the dots from there." "Costumes, chemistry, poetry, mutually degrading sexuality, comas, "men suck."" "I don't know how much longer I can keep running around like this." "It's not like I can't afford it." "I mean, my husband was Victor Rose IV." "Victor R-- wow." "Small world." "I kind of had a one-night stand with his grandma." "Granny C?" "My story's not as compelling as yours, but, uh, exactly a year ago," "I received a list of everyone I'd ever had sex with and ever would have sex with." "[stuttering] I find that very compelling." "I" " I think we should order dessert." "Raspberry tart?" "Two forks?" "You think I'm lying?" " You think I'm insane." " No!" "No." "I" "And believe me, I am an expert on both." "But Bambi and Thumper." "Seriously." "The Beyond-Ultimate Lesbian Power Couple." " [laughing]" " Yes." "What a night." "Ohhh, fuck." "[whispers] Fuck." "You know, uh" "I'd like to think that I" "I put something interesting out there into the atmosphere." "You know?" "Just the whole idea of a... a woman being able to put a man down like a dog for being bad, or... for no reason at all." "[whispers] I mean, well... well, women have had to deal with the anytime, anywhere dark impulses of men forever, so..." "God, I thought... it was time to make the men shake in their boots for a while, you know?" "I guess... that's how I-- I rationalized it." "I" " I am gone" "No, that's okay." "We're all gone." "You know, it's" "So many games, names." "Who did you love?" "And who did you really love?" "Did you break their heart?" "Or did they break yours?" "Or" "You know there's some real bliss in there somewhere." "And all you're left with is... [sighs heavily] exhaustion." "I always liked that word." "Oh, and "depleted,"" ""dissipated," and "spent."" "Those are good ones." "But "exhaustion..."" "sounds like what it is." "And what better cure than sleep?" "Lots of sleep." "[paper tears]" "I'll get this." "I insist." "Roderick." "Do you mind?" "What, do you want me to take two, in case the first one doesn't do the trick?" "No!" "[whispering stutter]" "I was just thinking, since we're together... while I'm putting one in your mouth, you could... put one..." "Oh." "You-- You sure about this?" "Yeah." "You know, I'm not gonna lie." "I'm a little flattered." "You should be." "[laughs]" "Go back to my room?" "Oh, no, no, no." "Not that room." "A different room." "Yeah." "[bells jingle]" "[birds chirping]" "[Roderick narrating] So that's it." "The end of my story." "Well, one of my stories." "Mommy!" "Daddy!" "I found a totato for the picnic!" " A totato!" " Totat-- [chuckles]" "Boy, you really are the farmer in the family." " That's" " Let's see that." "I think I know what we're having for the picnic!" " Make some totato soup!" " [laughing]" "Buddy, what do you think?" "That sound good?" "[Roderick narrating] The story of how I settled down, how I met my wife." "[chuckles, murmurs]" "Of how I learned that sometimes, what seem to be answers are really questions in disguise." "The Machine's list taught me the who, the what, the where, and the when is never as important as the why." "And the why's not all that important, either." "* I want to unmake every bed *" "* That I laid down on *" "* Give back everything I've won *" "* Good days *" "* There'll be *" "* Bad days *" "* I want to unread every book *" "* That my eyes laid on *" "[Roderick narrating] If it really is all a game, sometimes the best thing you can do is press the reset button." "* I want to unsing every song *" "* Unwrite every line *" "[Roderick narrating] For the first time in my life, I am." "I dare not add an adjective-- mature, content, happy." ""I am" is good enough for now." "Life is a lot like death." "It happens to everyone, whether they like it or not." "The meaning of it all?" "Honestly?" "Who gives a fuck?" "* I want to unsew every seam *" "* Unwind every clock *" "* Unbreathe every breath I've made *" "* I want to unset every sun *" "* That my eyes fell on *" "* Till I give back all I've won *" "* Good days *" "* There'll be *" "* Bad days *" "* Good days *" "* There'll be *" "* Bad days *" "* Good days *" "* There'll be *" "* Bad days *" "* Good days *" "* There'll be *" "* Bad days *"