"Narrator:" "North of the North Pole and south of the stars lies a quaint little village called Stinky Cigars." "[Siren pulse]" "The name is so awful that folks pass right by it." "It's a trick that we use to keep our town quiet." "You'll see that we've got some celebrities here..." "The groundhog, Columbus, and Chinese New Year." "There's Jack Frost and Washington," "Lincoln and Cupid, and dear April Fool, who's as sweet as he's stupid." "Yahtzee." " Oh!" " Man!" "Narrator:" "St. Pat and St. Nicholas fill our saint quota." "[Irish accent] If you're looking for St. Paul, check Minnesota." " Ho ho!" " Har har har." "Narrator:" "You have to be proud and a little bit nuts to honor a banner with two smelly butts." "[Microphone feedback]" "Please join me in our town anthem." "♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!" "♪" "All: ♪ Stinky Cigars!" "♪" "♪ Stinky Cigars!" "♪" "♪ There's no place on earth, and no place on Mars ♪" "♪ that's as happy as Stinky Cigars. ♪" "♪ The cats never scratch." "The dogs never bite. ♪" "♪ The sun shines all day and night. ♪" "Men: ♪ All day and night. ♪" "♪ Uh! "S" to the T-I. ♪" "♪ "N" to the K-Y. ♪" "Marshmallow bunnies:" "♪ Stinky, Stinky Cigars!" "♪" "♪ Uh!" "Life in the S-C is kind of a dream. ♪" "♪ There's a candy cane tree by a butterscotch stream. ♪" "♪ If your teeth all go rotten, well, don't you scream. ♪" "♪ 'Cause the dentist gives fillings of chocolate cream. ♪" "Marshmallow bunnies:" "♪ Sweet... ♪" "♪ ♪" "All: ♪ Stinky Cigars!" "♪" "♪ Stinky Cigars!" "♪" "Easter Bunny: ♪ Yeah, the streets are all paved with chocolate bars. ♪" "♪ There's no smoking in Stinky Cigars. ♪" "♪ I put my head through a priceless Renoir. ♪" "Santa: ♪ That's no problem in Stinky Cigars. ♪" "All: ♪ No one's got problems in Stinky Cigars. ♪" "Well, that killed half the day." "We've got to get a shorter anthem." "Narrator:" "It's a nice place to work." "It's a nice place to grow up." "It's such a nice place, you just want to throw up." "Narrator:" "Everyone's happy, except Murray Weiner, owner of Murray's Holiday Diner." "Murray is grouchy and cranky and crabby, nasty and ghastly, obnoxious and flabby, ill-tempered, ill-natured, malevolent and..." "Murray:" "All right!" "They get it." "Yet still everyone in the holiday bunch would come into Murray's to have a great lunch." "You might see George Washington eating and drinking on President's Day with Abraham Lincoln." "And how, you might wonder, did Santa get that?" "Just thank Murray's chocolate-chip cheesecake for that." "Ho ho ho!" "[Burps]" "You get the bagels." "You got the chili." "Thanksgiving Turkey, stuff yourself silly." "Cupid, you're sweet." "I don't want to be pushy." "But get off my seat with your bare-naked tushy." "[Arrow strikes object] Ooh." "Here's your roast beef, Leprechaun." "This is rare." "I want well-done." "Much obliged." "Narrator:" "And back in the corner, all by himself, sat an odd little fellow named Edison Elf." "What are you doing playing with food?" "It's wasteful and dirty and terribly rude." "I'm just sitting here quietly making a racket." "I'm Edison Elf." "I'm a bit of a tinkerer." "Kid, as a tinkerer, you are a stinkerer." "Hey!" "I invented horse socks..." "[Sniffs] To go with horseshoes..." "And a loud watch alarm for people who snooze." "[Alarm]" "I'm up!" "I'm up!" "And here is a toy that I know kids will love." "It's a Jack-in-the-box with a spring boxing glove." "["Pop Goes the Weasel" plays]" "I call it a Jack-in-the-boxer." "Box, boxer, glove." "It's a pun." "This would at least get an honorable mention if there were a contest for world's worst invention." "What?" " It's stupid." " It's clever." " It's nasty." " It's nice." "Go show it to Santa and get his advice." "I will." "I will!" "He forgot to pay his bill." "[Hammering]" "All: ♪ oh, we work, work, work, work, work, work, work. ♪" "♪ We work with great endurance. ♪" "♪ We never miss a day of work 'cause we don't have health insurance. ♪" "♪ We work all night, we work all day. ♪" "♪ We love our jobs, but come on, hey. ♪" "♪ We never get a dime of pay. ♪" "♪ We just work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work. ♪" "Santa:" "Ho ho!" " Nice work, Dave." " My name is Chet." " But I thought he was Chet." " I'm Dolores." " And you must be the new guy." " I've been here 87 years." "Ok, break's over." "Back to work." "All: ♪ Oh, we work, work, work, work, work, work, work. ♪" "♪ We really bust our heinies. ♪" "♪ They hire elves for this work, work, work 'cause we're cheaper than the Chinese. ♪" "♪ But it's still one of life's great joys to earn a living making toys. ♪" "♪ I'm going crazy from this noise!" "♪" "Elves: ♪ He's berserk, serk, serk, serk, serk, serk, serk, berserk. ♪" "Who wants cocoa?" " Yes, please!" " Me!" "Me!" "I do!" "It's $8 for the large, 5 bucks for the small." " Elf:" "For a lousy coffee?" " Wow." "That hurts." "All right." "Double time." "♪ What a jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk Santa Claus can be. ♪" "♪ Still, it's nice to have some work, work, work in this economy. ♪" "♪ I go to work beside my dad. ♪" "♪ I have the job my father had. ♪" "♪ This place isn't all that bad. ♪" "♪ Get to work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work. ♪" "He's a great guy outside the office." "Narrator:" "At Santa's Workshop on Christmas Eve day, zillions of toys were stuffed into the sleigh." "There were Jacks and wax lips and all kinds of loose stuff..." "Crumpunglers, tumpuzzlers." "You know, Dr. Seuss stuff." "There were dolls that said "mama" and dolls that said "goo,"" "dolls that made music..." "And dolls that made pooh." "There were dolls that grew tall at a push of a button and a doll, best of all, that didn't do nothing." "Santa was ready, about to take off, when from behind him, he heard a small cough." "[Coughs]" "Santa..." "Ahem." "Could I have your attention?" "I'd just like to show you my latest invention." "Yes?" "My Jack-in-the-boxer belongs on your list." "It's a Jack-in-the-box with a fabulous twist." "["Pop Goes the Weasel" plays]" "Aaaarggh!" "You're, uh, supposed to point it away from your face." "Ho ho!" "Don't worry, son." "I'm perfectly schnibble and ready to glibble." " You're starting to dribble." " Really?" "Narrator:" "All of the toys fell out of the sled." "And they bounced one by one off of poor Santa's head." "[Squeak]" "Mama!" "[Squeak]" "[Pppbbbllltt] Gah!" "Oh, nutmeg." "[Rumbling outside]" "Anyone else hear that?" "[Excited chatter]" "_" "Hmm, it needs work." "[Chuckles weakly]" "Globble, glibble, ish, kibibble." "Hee hee!" "Mmm!" "Appetite..." "Good." "Narrator:" "When someone is having a less than a jolly day, they call on this man." "His name is Doc Holiday." "Diaper rash." " Ooh!" "Ooh!" " Seasickness." "I'm under such pressure to see my shadow and get winter over already." "What if I don't see it?" "I mean, should I lie?" "Diaper rash." " Aah!" "No..." " Claus-trophobia." "One year I was certain I saw my shadow, but it turned out to be an oil stain on the pavement." "I cannot tell a lie." "Ha ha." "You're fat." "I'm a rodent, not a meteorologist." "Uh, diaper rash." "Uh, how's it look, Doc?" "Would you like to hear the bad news first?" "I'd rather hear the good news." "Oh, I didn't say there's good news." "Heh heh." "In layman's terms, Santa Claus is suffering from... ♪ Superficial fractures of his little baby toeses. ♪" "♪ His ears moved south ♪" "♪ and now his mouth is pushed up where his nose is. ♪" "♪ I'm prescribing aspirin in super megadoses ♪" "♪ for superficial fractures of his wittle, bitty toeses. ♪" "Where exactly did you go to med school?" "Colombia." "Bogota, Colombia." "♪ He's got inflammation and abrasions, bruises and contusions, ♪" "♪ spinal fusion, great confusion marked by weird delusions. ♪" "♪ I'm a pretty little girl." "My mommy calls me Susan. ♪" "Holiday: ♪ Inflammation and abrasions, bruises and contusions. ♪" "Narrator:" "Doc Holiday never cured anything." "But you had to admit, the guy sure loved to sing." "♪ Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Oy!" "♪" "Stop." "Stop!" "This is terrible!" "♪ I didn't mean to frighten you. ♪" "♪ It's just a slight concussion. ♪" "♪ I know that you feel terrible. ♪" "♪ The bad news must be crushin'. ♪" "♪ Make sure he gets lots of rest so there's no repercussions. ♪" "I will." "♪ But Christmas must be canceled. ♪" "♪ That's the end of the discussion. ♪" "♪ Christmas must be canceled. ♪" "♪ That's the end of the discussion. ♪" "[Wind]" "All right." "I ruined Christmas." "I mean, that's not the worst thing in the world." "Actually, it is." "I've done the worst thing in the world." "People will forgive me in time." "They'll be able to look back at this and laugh..." "Ha ha..." "In say 6 billion, 8 billion years." "So let's review." "I hurt Santa, broke his toys, ruined Christmas, and now I'm stuck in a trench." "Help!" "Help!" "[Bell on hat rings]" "Hmm..." "[Alarm]" "[Excited chatter]" "[Sawing]" "Oof!" "Where are you going?" "What's all the rumpus?" "So long, Easter Bunny." "Good-bye, Columbus." "[Cheering]" "Narrator:" "There in the snow stood the holiday stars, every last person in Stinky Cigars." "There were even a few who weren't so famous, like Arbor Day Aardvark and Labor Day Amos." "You all saved my life." "Thanks goodness you came!" "But something bad happened, and I am to blame." "[Crowd gasps]" "For those who don't know me, I'm Edison Elf." "And I'm afraid Santa is not quite himself." "Santa:" "Hello!" "I'm Queen Hanna of Bananaland." "Bananas for you and you and especially you." "Yes, your majesty." "Let's get back to the castle." "Santa:" "Gently, sir." "Bananas bruise easily." "I'm afraid it's my fault that he's under the weather." "And there won't be a Christmas unless we pull together." "It's gonna be tough, and it's gonna be tricky." "So let us unite and win one for St. Nicky!" "[Cheering and applause]" "Edison: ♪ Got lots and lots of problems and the time is tight. ♪" "♪ Got to hand out all those presents by the end of the night. ♪" "♪ We got a whole lot that we got to achieve. ♪" "♪ But you got to believe on Christmas Eve. ♪" " Men: ♪ Oh, you got to believe. ♪ - ♪ When?" "♪" " ♪ On Christmas Eve. ♪" " Exactly." " ♪ Oh, you got to believe. ♪" " What day was that again?" "♪ On Christmas Eve. ♪" "Well, aren't you guys smart." "Oh, come on." "It's impossible." "♪ When they told the Easter Bunny that he had to bring those eggs, ♪" "♪ he said, "I cannot do it with my tiny, little legs." ♪" "♪ They said, "if you don't do this then the kids are gonna grieve." ♪" "♪ and he said... ♪ [Crash]" "♪ "Oh, oh!" "I got to believe." ♪" " ♪ Oh, you got to believe. ♪ - ♪ When?" "♪" " ♪ On Christmas Eve. ♪" " Edison:" "That's right." " ♪ Oh, you got to believe. ♪" " I can't hear you!" " Men: ♪ On Christmas Eve. ♪" " I'm still not convinced." "Edison: ♪ No one believed Columbus when he said the world was round, ♪" "♪ but he went on his great voyage and America was found. ♪" "Whoo!" "♪ Now everyone in Texas, Taiwan, and Tel Aviv, they say ♪" "♪ "oh, oh!" "We got to believe." ♪" " Tel Aviv?" " It rhymes." "♪ Got to wrap those presents, got to fix those toys. ♪" "♪ Got to make a merry Christmas for the world's good girls and boys. ♪" "♪ It's better to give now than to receive. ♪" " ♪ Oh, you got to believe on Christmas Eve. ♪" " Yeah!" "♪ Oh, you got to believe. ♪" "♪ You got to believe. ♪" "♪ On Christmas Eve, got to believe. ♪" "♪ Yeah, you got to believe. ♪" "♪ you gotta, gotta, gotta, ah, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta ♪" "♪ on Christmas Eve. ♪" "♪ Oh, yeah!" "♪" "Men: ♪ Oh, you got to believe. ♪" "♪ When?" "♪" " ♪ On Christmas Eve. ♪" " Exactly." " ♪ Oh, you got to believe. ♪" " Edison:" "What day was that again?" "♪ On Christmas Eve. ♪" "Narrator:" "Everyone pitched in, except Murray Weiner, who stood all alone in the Holiday Diner." "Why was he grouchy?" "What was his history?" "What was his problem?" "The man was a mystery." "♪ Murray's got antisocial, claustrophobic paranoid neurosis. ♪" "♪ Narcissistic, germophobic, borderline psychosis. ♪" "♪ He is in The Guinness Book for longest diagnosis. ♪" "♪ Antisocial, claustrophobic paranoid neurosis. ♪" "What are you doing here?" "They... heh heh..." "sent me to order dinner." "[Tap tap tap tap]" "I am the man to deliver the toys to the good pretty girls and the pretty good boys." "I'll sail east to go west and west to go east." "The voyage should take me 3 months at the least." "Senor Columbus, you have one night at best!" "Have it your way." "I'll go west to go west." "Narrator:" "He asked Easter Bunny to gift-wrap a truck." "His paws were too small." "He was having no luck." "So he painted and dyed it in purples and pinks." "On an egg, this looks good." "On a truck?" "Well, it stinks." "To Byron Bineski, Fort Crowder, New Jersey, we send you our love and this powder blue Jersey." "Wishing you good luck and gumdrops galore." "Then it goes on for 5 pages more." "How many gift cards would you say you've done?" "When this card is finished, I'll be up to one." "[Sighs]" " Man:" "Hey!" " Aah!" "Narrator:" "Lincoln and Washington had a big fight." "Honest Abe, can't you do anything right?" " I'm on the penny." " I'm on the quarter." " I'm also much older." " You're almost much shorter." "Stop it, you guys!" "You're behaving like Scrooges." "Narrator:" "Then they all started fighting just like the Three Stooges." "Uncle Sam:" "Here." "Hold this." "[Imitates curly] Woo!" "Woo!" "Woo!" "Woo!" "Yah, yah, yah!" " Ha ha!" " Uh!" "Narrator: 'Twas the night before Christmas and all was in crisis." "The groundhog had eaten the "naughty and nice" list." "The April Fool built a preposterous bike, and Labor Day Amos had gone out on strike." "Amos and elves:" "Silent night, holy night!" "We will not give up the fight..." "Woman:" "Liberte!" "Stop all your shouting." "Stop all the noise." "There's no one I trust to deliver these toys." "Delivery." "Lincoln, here's your hot pastrami." "Washington gets cold salami." "Columbus asked for rigatoni." "St. Pat ordered fried bologna." "Piece of fish, sirloin steak, meat knish, carrot cake." "And April Fool..." "I don't know why..." "Ordered compact discs on rye." "Yum!" "[Loud crunching]" " What?" " You're the one!" "I'm the what one?" "You are the one to deliver the toys to 200 countries, to good girls and boys." "Just put on this red suit and get in the sleigh." "What are you, cuckoo?" "Forget it." "No way." "Please." " No." " Please?" " No!" " Please?" " No..." " Please..." "Narrator:" "And so for an hour, these two kept on going, with one of them please-ing and one of them no-ing." " Please?" " No." "Please?" "No!" "Why in the world should I schlep through the snow, bringing millions of presents to kids I don't know?" "Will anyone pay me?" "Will anyone tip?" "What if I slip and fracture my hip?" "Look at the weather." "It's cold and it's shivery." "There's no way on earth I will make this delivery." "[Door shuts]" "Bummer." "Narrator:" "Murray spent each Christmas Eve on his own, remembering days when he wasn't alone." "_" "_" "You dated her?" "Get out of my deli." "Get off of my land." "What part of "no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no"" "don't you understand?" "I'll tell you the reason you shouldn't say no." "I just need one minute, and then I will go." " One minute?" " 60 seconds." "[Ticking]" "So what's the reason?" "Because it's Christmas." "Lights, please." "[Lamp switch clicks]" "Christmas, you know, is that one special season when people do good things without a good reason." "The grouchiest men will wear musical ties and buy Christmas presents for folks they despise." "The cheapest of cheapskates will spend all his money, and people make fruitcakes from concrete..." "And honey." "Tonight think of others instead of yourself." "[Ding]" "Your minute is up, Mr. Edison Elf." "_" "Libby, mistletoe!" "[Chuckles]" " Ooh!" " Murray!" "Ha ha." "It's ok." "Merry Christmas, Murray." " I'll do it." " Oh, Murray!" "No hugs, no hugs, no hugs, no hugs." "Narrator:" "Murray put on the suit." "The belly was baggy." "The shoulders were saggy." "The bottom was draggy." "I'm pretty fat, but I think Santa's fatter." "The caboose is quite loose, but I guess it won't matter." "[Cheering and applause]" "Columbus:" "Bravissimo, Murray!" "I wish you good luck." "Cupid:" "I love what you're doing." "April Fool:" "My zipper is stuck." "Narrator:" "They hopped in the sleigh and sped off like a comet." "Murray:" "What are you doing?" "I'm going to vomit." "I've got one rule, but, surely, it's basic." "If you go too fast, I'm gonna get sleigh-sick." "Why don't you drive?" "On, Dumbo and Jumbo." "On, Mason and Dixon." "On, Cosmo and Kramer and Richard M. Nixon." "That wasn't even close." "Narrator:" "They made their first stop, Eddie fearing the worst." "Murray fell down the chimney and landed head-first." "Ow!" "Oof." "Not terrible." "A little dry." "Eggnog, huh?" "I never had it." "Blecch!" "So that's why they only drink it once a year." "Narrator:" "He didn't come back till a quarter to 2:00." "Murray!" "I worried." "What happened to you?" "Down by the fireplace, kids hung up socks." "So I loaded the socks up with bagels and lox." "Presents." "You're supposed to bring presents." "Kids don't love lox?" "Narrator:" "They went to the next house." "It didn't go better." "Murray got bit by a big Irish setter." "[Growling]" "[Chomp, clothing rips]" "[Echoing] Aah!" "Narrator:" "He stepped on a turtle at house number 3." "[Crunch]" "In house number 4, he knocked over the tree." "[Crashing]" "What was that noise?" " Mice." " Oh." "Wait." "Who said that?" "[Voice in higher pitch] Cat." "Oh." "Betty Fred, get my gun." "[Gun is loaded]" "[Fires gun]" "I've been bit by a dog and shot by a gun." "I must tell you, shorty, I'm not having fun." "I'm old and I'm cold, and this suit doesn't fit." "If the next stop goes badly, I'll just have to quit." "Narrator:" "Edison Elf couldn't blame him." "He tried." "I have faith in you, Murray." "Narrator:" "The little elf lied." "Murray jumped down the chimney and landed so hard..." "The thud knocked the snow off the trees in the yard." " He got to his feet with a..." " Oof." " And an..." " Oy." "And he found himself facing a 6-year-old boy." "Santa Claus!" "Santa Claus!" "Santa Claus!" "Where?" "Oh, right." "You mean me." "Yes, I'm Santa, I swear." "Do your Santa Claus laugh." "Please, please, please, please?" "Huh?" "Sure." "Heh heh." "Tee hee." "Hoo." "Ha." "Oh, boy." "Narrator:" "Murray snorted and snickered and chortled and chuckled." "And as he chuckled, his belt came unbuckled." "His pants, which were loose, fell down straight to his knees." ""Murray Weiner" was stitched on his silk BVDs." "Well, I'm going to jail." "Santa Claus, please." "Would you kindly explain why you and your underpants have different names?" "Narrator:" "Betrayed by his boxers, let down by his pants, he knew a good story would be his best chance." "Don't you know Murray Weiner is a famous designer?" "Calvin Klein may be fine, but Weiner is finer." "Are you sure you're Santa?" "You don't have a beard." "Your suit is all baggy." "You smell kind of weird." "I shaved off the beard." "Mrs. Claus said it tickles." "And I went on a diet..." "Club soda and pickles." "That should explain why I'm beardless and bellyless." "The pickles would also account for my smelliness." "So there, I've explained." "I've made everything clear." "Murray:" "Now, I should be going." "Wait." "Name your reindeer." "Narrator:" "Murray hemmed and he hawed." "He did not know this stuff." "So he huffed and he puffed and proceeded to bluff." "There's Bambi and Rambo and Dopey and Doc," "Scotty and Sulu, Uhura and Spock." "Murray looked at him hopefully." "How did I do?" "You're a big phony fake!" "I guess Santa is, too." "[Sobbing]" "[Sniffles]" "Santa's not phony." "I've got the proof." "Come out on the lawn, look up on the roof." "That's Santa's sleigh sitting there in the snow." "There are the reindeer whose names I don't know." "Oh, Santa is real, kid." "It's wrestling that's fake." "Narrator:" "And that's when the boy knew he'd made a mistake." "This wasn't just some smelly guy in a suit but an honest to goodness Saint Nick substitute." "And then the boy smiled." "Murray felt a strange tingle." "He knew for one night that he could be Kris Kringle." "Ho ho ho!" "[Deer calling excitedly]" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "[Thud]" "Narrator:" "Murray brought the boy in, and he patted his head." "And he fixed him a lean pastrami sandwich with coleslaw and a triple-thick chocolate milkshake." "And he sent him to bed." "So tell me, Murray, do you feel like quitting?" "Quitting, quitting?" "You got to be kidding." "I love Christmas lights... the purple and orange, the yellow and..." "Something that rhymes with orange." "Enough of this talk." "We've got toys to deliver." "We can't sit around like 2 lumps of chopped liver." "Glibble, globble, Julian Schnabel." "[Snores once]" "My suit." "My sleigh." "My toys." "My word!" "Hello?" "Sarah, get me the police!" "["Jingle bells" ringtone]" "Officer Bender, the bender of laws." " To whom am I speaking?" " My name's Santa Claus." "[Hangs up] Weirdo." "[Ringtone]" "You say you're Santa." "I say I doubt it." "If you're really Santa, then tell me about it." "When you were 2, I brought you a crib." "When you were 3, you got a nice bib." "At 4, I gave you a big Teddy bear." "You were naughty at 5, so you got underwear." "All right." "All right." "What's been stolen?" "Eight flying reindeer, sleigh in the back, 6 billion toys, and a 50-foot sack." "Any distinguishing characteristics?" "Oy." "I'm dealing with an idiot." "I give you my word as the public's defender," "I'll track down this rat and return him to sender." "I'll find this little coward and put him in jail." "I'm Officer Bender, and I never fail." "Huh." "Where did I put my keys?" "[Siren pulse]" "Narrator:" "From Nome down to Rome, from Minsk to Atlanta," "Murray brought presents as quickly as Santa." "_" "Bah!" "Oh, boy." "[Shuddering]" "I'm raring to go." "It's a quarter past 3:00." "Where are you, shorty?" "[Muffled] You're sitting on me!" "[Stammering]" "Narrator:" "Santa, of course, didn't know about Murray." "He thought Christmas was stolen, so he had to hurry." "Santa:" "It's a quarter past 3:00." "I still got a chance." "I just need a sleigh and some toys and some pants." "Narrator:" "He put on red long johns in place of the suit." "Instead of a cap, he wore a red boot." "Perfect!" "Santa:" "Sleigh, sleigh?" "Do I have a spare sleigh?" "Maybe there's one buried under this hay." "Ooh." "All that I see is a shovel and rake and this old garden hose." "[Rattling]" "No, wait." "That's a snake." "Snake!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "[Loud thud]" "This could work." "[Breathing heavily]" "I just need to find a giant toy store that's open on Christmas at a quarter to 4:00." "Narrator:" "Then Santa Claus saw a miraculous sight." "In the sky far above was a star shining bright." "[Bell rings]" "Give me everything you got in the store!" "Don't shoot me." "[Muzak playing over speakers]" "What are you?" "I'm vishin' you..." "You're Vishnu?" "I'm vishin' you wouldn't shoot me." "I'm not going to shoot you." "Put down your arms..." "All of them." "[Clears throat] Two more." "So how can I help you?" " Wrapping paper?" " Aisle one." " Children's books?" " We have none." " Any toys?" " Just some knickknacks." " Christmas candy?" " Only tic tacs." "[Chuckles weakly] Ho ho ho." "[Punching keys on register]" "Comic books, candy bar, bobbing head dolls for your car, playing cards, ballpoint pen, paper clips." "Yeah!" "Kids love them." "DVD of Mighty Ducks." "That'll be 8,000 bucks." "Dough!" "Dough!" "Dough!" "♪ Got to bring this garbage to the little brats. ♪" "[Groans]" "♪ And nothing's gonna stop me. ♪" "[Bicycle bell rings] Hey!" "Glibble..." "[Sleigh bells ring]" "What's next?" "You've been to Albania, finished Romania, done Transylvania." "That was no fun." "Delivered to China, North Carolina." "Hey, Murray Weiner, you're finished!" "You're done." "Well, that was easy." "Ha ha!" "Easy?" "How did you do it?" "You move like a pro." "What is your secret?" "We all want to know." "Did you ever Google me?" " What?" " You'd find out..." "Everything in, like, 5 seconds." "Use Bing." "Use Google." "Use Bingle." "Well, well, well." "What are you looking for?" "Murray Weiner." "♪ Bup bup ba boo, thinkin', thinkin'. ♪" "Oh, here you go, pally." "Announcer:" "News You Can Use, bringing you fast-breaking news from around the globe just weeks after it happens." "Man on motorcycle:" "Aah!" "Announcer:" "August 12th is here, which can only mean one thing..." "Milkman's day." "That's when we pay tribute to the derring-do of the dairy man, who goes door to door each morning, bringing fresh moo juice." "And it wouldn't be Milkman's Day without the annual parade down Fifth Avenue." "♪ ♪" "Men: ♪ Here come the milkmen. ♪" "♪ Bringing milk, bringing cheese, bringing anything you please. ♪" "♪ Cheer for the milkmen. ♪" "♪ Hear the drum, here they come with your daily calcium. ♪" "♪ Yum, yum, yum. ♪" "Announcer:" "And here's the guy the kids have been waiting for..." "Murray the Milkman." "He's the Easter Bunny of butter, the Kris Kringle of cream." "Women: ♪ Murray the Milkman, he is smooth as silk, man. ♪" "♪ Ooh, he gives me shivers." "Ooh, the man delivers. ♪" "♪ He's idolized because he's pasteurized. ♪" "♪ He's the man for me, gives me vitamin "D." ♪" "♪ Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray. ♪" "♪ Sling that cow juice right to my door. ♪" "But pretty soon, kids could get milk from a store." "They didn't need milkmen like me anymore." "Milk's just as good when it comes from a carton." "So my whole holiday was completely forgotten." "Forgotten." "The parades got much smaller." "And one day, they stopped." "The floats were dismantled." "The balloons were all popped." "My whole happy life had become a bad dream." "And I became sour as 3-month old cream." "I gave up my job." "[Knock on door]" "And I gave up my friends." "And I told my true love not to see me again." "Edison:" "Why did you do that?" "Because I was nothing." "I was nothing, and she was a national treasure." "I put that woman on a pedestal." "I mean, she was already on a pedestal, but I put her on a figurative pedestal on top of the literal pedestal." "Ah!" "You know what I mean." "You're not nothing, Murray." "You proved that you're not." "Well, thank you for giving this grump one last shot." "Narrator:" "Murray smiled." "Eddie smiled." "And the reindeer all smiled." "Tonight you brought presents to every good child." " What about the bad kids?" " Who?" "Why should we stop?" "We have time." "We have toys." "Why can't we bring them to bad girls and boys?" "No." " Please." " No." " Please?" " No!" "So a kid might be lazy." "He might be a slob." "He drives his folks crazy." "That's kind of his job." "Narrator:" "Ed heard what he said, and he couldn't resist." "They brought toys to the naughty, a very long list." "Some ice skates for Kate, who poured glue on mom's chair, put tacks in dad's slacks, and then belched the lord's prayer." "[Kate burps]" "A toboggan for Ogden, who played sick from school and drove his dad's Pontiac into the pool." "A Dolly for Molly, who just for a joke popped a bag behind grandpa and gave him a stroke." "[Thud]" "Murray brought presents to all bad and good kids..." "The weird and the feared and the misunderstood kids and not just to Christians, he brought gifts to Hindus, to Buddhists and Muslims, to fat and to thin Jews." "And people said Christmas was never so pleasant as that one special year when the world got a present." "I'm afraid there's no presents for us in the sack." "I could give you a hug, and you could give me one back." "Oh, man!" "[Engine starts]" "Bender:" "Freeze!" "Dudes can't hug in this town?" "You're under arrest for stealing Christmas." "[Stammers]" "Officer Bender, Stinky P.D." "I'm sorry, sir." "I don't have my I.D." " Driver's license?" " I forgot it." " Pilot's license?" " Never got it." " Poetic license?" " I, uh..." "What?" "If you don't have a poetic license, stop rhyming." "All the poetry in this town drives me crazy." "It takes me 4 hours to do paperwork because I can't find a rhyme for aggravated assault." "[Sighs] Ugh." "So..." "You have no I.D. on you at all." "Wait." "I do have this." "See?" "See?" "Dropping trou in front of a police officer, son." "You just got yourself in a lot more trouble." "Stolen sleigh." "Driving without a license." " No car seat for your baby." " I'm not a baby!" "And what happened to the toys?" "There were supposed to be billions of toys in here." "We gave them to good girls and boys." "And a few really rotten ones." "Wait." "Now, hold it." "What's this?" "Trying to hide one from me?" " Edison:" "I really wouldn't do that." " Don't tell me how to do my job." " I beg you to stop!" " I beg you to shut up." "Yeah." "Let the man do his job." "Aah!" "I was wrong." "That's a pretty good invention." "Thank you, Murray." "[Crack]" "Glibble?" "So how did it go?" "I'm glad you asked." "Oy." "Not another musical number." "Don't worry." "It's the finale." "♪ We brought those presents. ♪" "♪ We brought those toys. ♪" "♪ We brought a merry Christmas to all the girls and boys. ♪" "And some real little stinkers." "♪ Let's hear it for Murray!" "♪" "Crowd: ♪ Hip, hip, hooray!" "♪" "♪ Now it's time to play, it's Christmas day. ♪" " ♪ Oh, it's time to play. ♪ - ♪ Why?" "♪" "♪ It's Christmas day. ♪" "That's right." "♪ Oh, it's time to play. ♪ ♪ Already?" "♪" "It's Christmas day... ♪" "Groundhog:" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "What about Santa Claus?" "Oh." "I just checked on Santa." "And he's on the mend." "He's spending Christmas at home with a friend." "I am Queen Hanna of Bananaland." "No!" "I am Queen Hanna of Bananaland." " No, I am!" " No, I am." "Take it, elves!" "♪ ♪" "Elves: ♪ oh, we play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play. ♪" "♪ Oh, we play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play on Christmas day. ♪" " Whoo-hoo!" " Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Whee!" "♪ It's too bad Santa hurt his head. ♪" "♪ And we're pretty happy he's not dead. ♪" "♪ But as long as he is stuck in bed... ♪" "Elves: ♪ Let's play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play. ♪" "Easter Bunny is in the house!" "♪ Ah-huh-huh. ♪" "♪ Christmas with my honey bunny. ♪" "♪ Got to spend some money-money. ♪" "♪ Baby, won't you buy me bling?" "♪" "♪ Baby, here's an 18-karat ring. ♪" "♪ Ha ha!" "♪" "All: ♪ Hip hop!" "♪" "Your turn, Groundhog." "Oh, no." "No, I..." "I can't really enjoy Christmas." "I mean, the whole time I'm thinking, tomorrow, Christmas will be over and then for a minute, suddenly, Christmas is 364 days away," "365 during a leap year." "And what?" "What's everybody looking at?" "My shadow!" "♪ I saw my shadow. ♪" "♪ You know what that means. ♪" "♪ All this snow is gonna go and things are turning green. ♪" "♪ Winter is ending and spring's on the way. ♪" "♪ But till then, enjoy this Christmas day. ♪" "[Cheering]" "Ok!" "Murray, bring it home!" "No." "I don't like to sing." "Come on." "You can do it." " No, I can't." " Please?" " No." " Please?" "Please?" " No." " Crowd:" "Please?" " No!" " Please?" "I can't sing, I can't sing." "I can't... ♪ Sing!" "♪" "[Lens breaks]" "Well, maybe I can sing a little." "♪ My life was empty and at an end. ♪" "♪ I could make a sandwich but I couldn't make a friend. ♪" "♪ But thanks to this guy I'm filled with glee. ♪" "♪ His best invention was a whole new me. ♪" "♪ Now I'm happy and gay. ♪" " When?" " ♪ On Christmas day. ♪" "♪ Yes, I'm ever so gay. ♪" " When?" " ♪ On Christmas day. ♪" "♪ I'm incredibly gay." "Gay as the month of May. ♪" "♪ Gay, gay, gay, gay, I'm so gay. ♪" "♪ I don't mean in that way. ♪" "♪ That way is ok. ♪" "♪ What I'm trying to say... ♪" "♪ Oh, forget it, oy, vey!" "♪" "You want to get out of here?" "Sure." "When?" "About 10 minutes ago." "You." "You look great." "I had a big restoration back in the eighties." "What are you doing here?" "I heard you saved Christmas." "That's the Murray I used to know." "Libby, how could you come back to me after the way I treated you, after all these years?" "Murray, no one can carry a torch like me." "Mm!" "I missed you." "[Scoffs] Sure." "Her he'll hug." "I haven't forgotten you." "Ahh." "All right." "That's enough." "Enough!" "All right." "Maybe a little more." "[Crunch] Stop!" "Statue of Liberty, Edison Elf." "The two of you saved myself from myself." "Statue of Liberty:" "Oh, pleased to meet you." "Big fan." "Now, who wants to go on a sleigh ride?" " Me!" " Me!" "Me!" "Me!" "Murray:" "On, Lipstick and Dipstick." "On, Pixie and Dixie." "On, Kramden and Norton and Alice and Trixie." "Narrator:" "And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight..." "Murray:" "Murray Christmas to all and to all a good night!" "Narrator:" "And as Murray Weiner sailed off in the sky, the people of Stinky Cigars waved good-bye." " Au revoir, mon cheri." " Don't be a stranger!" " Grazie, Murray." " Thank you, Lone Ranger." "Narrator:" "Edison Elf would go on to get work, selling his stuff on the Elf Shopping Network." "Edison on TV:" "My latest invention gives diapers a voice." "It tells you it's wet with the song of your choice." "Recording: ♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot... ♪" "That is amazing!" "[Hums]" "Narrator:" "And Murray would start every day with a smile." "He became a new man." "Well, at least for a while." "We'd like to split a pastrami sandwich." " With mayonnaise." " On white bread." "Lincoln:" "And could you cut the crusts off?" "Washington:" "And we get the senior citizen discount." "Lincoln:" "I have a coupon." "Get out!" "[Chuckles] Murray." "[Hums]" "And so ends our story." "That's all that you get." "Recording: ♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot... ♪" "I'd love to say more, but my diaper's wet." "Happy New Year, y'all."