"Letter for you, Blaskowitz." "Letter from your wife, sir." "Letter for you, sir." "What'd Santa bring you?" "Some medical journals from dear old Dad." "Hope they're recent." "In the last batch, Pavlov was just buying his first dog." " Yippee!" " Good news from home, Frank?" "Your neighbourhood still restricted?" "My neighbourhood is not restricted." "There's a Catholic right across the street." "I'm afraid that's it, Major." " Just the one letter." " Well, then, OK." "You know what I do to get mail?" "I send away for things." "Like samples and stuff." "Today I got a free package of oregano, and a house painter's colour chart." "And it isn't even a heavy day." "Thank you, Corporal." "Mail for you, Colonel Blake." "Radar, tell the cook not to handle the food for the next few days." "The flu again?" "Yeah." "Every time he goes to town, he gets the flu." " Mail, Radar?" " Yes, sir." "Three letters from your wife." "And a postcard from your parents." "They're second-honeymooning." "I do hope they don't give me a little brother or sister." "Yes, sir." "And that thing you sent away for." ""The Tabasco Film Company of Havana, Cuba"?" "Oh, good." "Just what the doctor ordered." "Anglo Chemicals is at 47 and a half, thanks to napalm." "I bought it at 39." "And my United Foundry's up too." "They're coming out with a new automatic rifle." "Betting on destruction to win, place and show?" "I've got a family to think of." "I've got to leave them something in case I get killed." "The only way you're gonna get killed is if you operate on yourself." "Attention." "Allied incoming casualties." "Report to surgery." "There's a good stock for you - Allied Incoming Casualties." "Go soak your head." "That'll teach you to ad-lib with the master." "Where is it?" "I can't find it." "Clamp this off." " Lap sponge." " Lap sponge." " Pickups." " Pickups." "Speaking of which, what are you doing after the operation?" " Or during?" " This is not a cocktail lounge." "You could've fooled me." "You gonna tie that vessel?" "Roger, will do." "You might at least try to get an accurate lap-sponge count." "Get up on the wrong side of the war?" " I counted ten, ma'am." " There's only nine here." " There's none in the patient." " Frank's not finished yet." "It's on the floor." "Next time try to hit the bucket." "We might have had to go back in on that patient." "Get ready to close." "Let me have the sponge." " Suture scissors." " Suture scissors." " You know better than that." "Wipe them first." " Sorry." "OK, close him up." " Where's that 4-0 silk suture I asked for?" " On the way." "When you come on duty, you check the supplies." "There's no excuse for running out of anything." "I have an announcement." "One more stupidity and every nurse goes on report." "I have an announcement." "Major Houlihan and I are getting married." " What?" " That's outrageous." " We are not." " Then go ahead and have the baby alone." " Is it a boy or a girl?" " Give us a chance." "We just met." "What's eating you, Margaret?" " At the moment, you are." " I can't help it." "Your ears are so delicious." "What's wrong, honeybunch?" "Tricia Spalding, that's what's wrong, honeybunch." "Would you like to tell me about Tricia Spalding?" "We were in training together." "She married a doctor I turned down." "And now she has a beautiful home with a swimming pool, two adorable children, a two-car garage..." "Frank, it all could have been mine." "That could have been me." "That house must have run 40,000." "45." "I'd have loved him if I'd have known." "But no." "I married the army." "And what have I got to show for it?" "Rotten living conditions, no social life, surrounded by insolent doctors and nurses who don't give me an ounce of respect." "Darling, it's only the people who know you that don't give you any respect." "And that's because you hide all your goodness." "I have nothing." "Nothing." "Am I nothing, Margaret?" "You're government issue, Frank." "You came with my mess kit and my khaki girdle." " So much for Frank." " After you're home," "I'll only be a smile on your face your wife won't understand." "You're serving your country in the most noble way a woman can, in the finest tradition of nursing." "The war can't last forever, Frank." "They'll declare peace, and then where will I be?" "Well, there'll always be another war." " Let's go to Tokyo for the weekend." " I don't want a weekend." "I want a lifetime." "A weekend can be a lifetime if you use it right." "I'm not going anywhere with you." "This is the end of the line for us." "From now on, I'm number one." "Me, Margaret Houlihan." "And believe me, soldier, I deserve better than you." " Colonel Blake in?" " Yeah, but he's busy right now." "Come to attention." "Get to your feet." "Put that cigar out." "Get rid of that magazine." " Yes, sir." " It's "ma'am"." "Men are sirs." "Women are ma'ams." "I'm a woman." "I'm a ma'am." "Yes, sir, ma'am." "Ma'am, sir?" " Where is Colonel Bubblehead?" " He gave orders not to be disturbed." "He already is disturbed." " Excuse me." " Out of my way." "He's watching a training film and it's pretty rough in there." " Bodies and everything." " Since when do bodies bother me?" " Pretty good, huh?" " Not much story, plenty of action." " It can't be." " What?" "It is!" "It's Charlie Abrams' receptionist." "She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform." " Colonel!" " Whoops." "That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen." " Margaret, you can't come in in the middle." " It's disgusting." "The critics panned it too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits." "Colonel, I'd like to hear your explanation for this." "Major, we're grown men, a long way from home." " Off." " Oh, for Pete's sake." "And truth to tell, the only woman I have to explain anything to is a 35-year-old pigeon-toed mouth-breather with $2,000 worth of bridgework that I still owe $1500 on." "I'm certain she would find that obscene." "There's an even bigger obscenity around here." "The war." "Anyone over 18 is admitted." "Colonel, I want a transfer." "No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop." "And watch your step getting off." "And these two are at the top of my list." "Hey, we finished first and second." "They destroyed my authority with the nursing staff and made a mockery of my majority." "What do you know?" "We're major mockers." " Simmer down, Pierce." "That's an order." " An order?" "Stop masquerading as a commanding officer." "You're a spineless, mealy-mouthed, fly-fishing impostor." " He's not an impostor." " Right." "He's a genuine spineless, mealy-mouthed fly-fisher." " Pierce, you're the limit." " That's right, go ahead, laugh." "Come on, Major." "You know what they say - "A laugh turneth away wrath."" "I never heard that." "Colonel, I am requesting that you officially and formally approve my transfer." "Look, I am glad this has come up." "Now, I want you two guys to straighten up and fly right, and accord Major Houlihan the courtesy and respect accordable to someone who has achieved her high rank and sex." "I am not looking for a truce with these two shower-tent peekers." "Boy, you peek into one shower and you're labelled for life." "You really want to leave us?" "I really have to." " Here's the transfer paper, sir." " Radar..." "Here you go." "In case you have any second thoughts, we'll keep mum about this." "Right?" " Right." " Right." "Whatever was, of course, has been." "But we are family, Margaret." "Attention all personnel." "Effective immediately, Major Margaret Houlihan is leaving the 4077th." "There will be wine with dinner with ice cream and chocolate sauce." "Well, there are families and there are families." " Frank, Margaret's departure is imminent." " So?" "Isn't that unzinging the strings of your heart?" "None of your business, Captain Buttinsky." " Frank, one is a lonely number." " I'll thank you to mind your p's and q's." "That hurt." "Wannajoin us?" "We're going over with a farewell bottle of quote, champagne, unquote." "No." "There are more important things to do." "Won't you miss her?" "Midnight meetings behind the delousing tent?" " Soaping each other in the scrub room?" " Fumbling with the leather aprons in x-ray?" "Who is it?" " Lord and Ozzie Nelson." " Go away." "What do you two want?" "This is the let-bygones-be-bygones scene." "We brought you a little champers." "Yeah, 15 minutes ago was a very good year." "This is specially for you." "Trapper stomped on the grapes with his own fairly-clean feet." "He really knows how to sell wine." "Ms Margaret." "Ms Hawkeye." "Now you're going all that stands out are the good things." "And if I could remember one, I'd mention it." "Fighting, they say, is a form of loving." "We've shown as much love as we could without actually knocking your teeth out." " We'll miss you, in our hearts." " And in the shower." " I'd like to propose a toast." " Hear, hear." "Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre." "To their all-night binges, to their secret nurse ceremonies, to their planting of microphones in sleeping bags, to their childish switching of names on latrines." "All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving come-as-your-favourite-nude-pilgrim party." "This stuff isn't champagne." "Champagne tickles my nose." "This stuff eats it away." "Come." "Oh, Margaret." "Let me get my robe." "I'm in my underwear." "How nice for both of you." "You writing a letter to your wife, Frank?" "Anything in there about you-know-who, who used to be your you-know-what?" " Margaret, I don't like to see you bitter." " Tough toenails." "Here are your things, Frank." "Your picture of us at Osaka, your love letters, your Mother's Day card and Bimbo." "Margaret, Bimbo is ours." "Bimbo is only a dog." "Stuffed." "Take the hint, Frank." " But, Margaret, this is so unlike you." " No, it's not." "If I'd have been more like me, you maybe would have liked me more." "You've been drinking." "Correction." "I am drinking." "Margaret, that's liquor." "Right, Reverend Davidson." "I'm celebrating a brand-new life." "Six months away from this snake pit, and I'll be a colonel." " I know a lot of generals, you know." " I know you know them." "And a few lieutenant colonels and one nifty warrant officer who used to be a masseur." " Do you want a slug, Frank?" " This does not become you, Margaret." "What becomes me, Frank?" "Hanging around delousing tents?" "Meeting in laundry trucks?" "Frank, I believe you have my leather-bound copy of The Army Officer's Guide, my cuticle scissors, tweezers, and my Doris Day scrapbook." "I would like them back, please." "This is a terrible way for two friends to part, Margaret." ""Two friends", Frank?" "What are you doing?" "Rehearsing a letter to your wife home?" ""Darling." "Did I mention my friend Major Houlihan has been transferred?"" ""You would have liked him." "Swell guy."" "They're outta champagne." " I think you've had enough, Margaret." " Who asked you?" "Ferret face." " Read that back, Radar." " Yes, sir." ""Tabasco Film Company, Box 245, Havana, Cuba."" ""Dear sirs." "Thank you for your recent shipment."" ""I would like to order some additional film from your catalogue." "Number 467."" ""Pauline of Paris and her Pelican."" " "Also number 26... 216." - 216." "Right." ""Francine La Flame and her Tassels in the Air."" " Right." " Sir?" "Do you think that they could get anything with Flash Gordon?" "Maybe next time, Radar." "Read on, will you?" "Yes, sir." ""Enclosed please find a cheque for 29.95 to cover the cost of films, postage and handling."" ""Please send as soon as possible." "Sincerely yours..."" "Just sign your name again, Radar." "Well, you know." "I mean, it might not look too good if I..." "Well, you know..." " Just sign your name." " Yes, sir." " I'll get this out right away, sir." " Yeah, get that out right away, please." "Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, which I haven't done yet." " How do you get into this thing?" " Is there something you want?" "I thought a little farewell drink - Major, Colonel." "Looks like you've already been dipping your bill." "You sure you won't reconsider, Major?" "No, I've thought it over and I definitely would like another drink." "OK." "Is Scotch and water OK?" "That's fine." "You can skip the water." " OK." " OK." "You know, Major, you're making a mistake." "This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but we do awful good work together." "Yeah, I can't fight you there." "Cheers." "I need army discipline." "I need a sense of order." "Can't you understand that, Colonel?" "Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake?" "That's really swell of you, Pete." "Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?" "A lot of people have said that." "It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone." "I feel real close to you right now." "Yeah." "Sure." "That Scotch you just poured is rye." "That's OK." "The champagne I just had was gin." "Sir?" "We just got word." "A company of Marines has been hit pretty bad." " Are the choppers evacuating?" " Here in 45 minutes." " OK, alert all personnel and OR." " Both shifts?" "Yeah." "Get every patient out that can walk." "Bed space'll be at a premium." "Oh, my goodness, it's an emergency." "It's a good thing I'm a nurse." " What's cooking?" " A lot of hurt people coming in." "Marines." " Could be a long stretch." " Marines?" "That means youngsters." " I'd give $50 to see a varicose vein." " Gimme the money and I'll drop my pants." "Everything's ready." "Did you make sure all the hospital beds are available?" " Make sure the helipad is clear." " Yes." "OK." "Corporal..." "I wonder..." "if I can see Colonel Blake." "I wonder if you can too." "Major Margon Hoolihat reporting for duty, sir." " Oh, boy." "Drunk as a skunk." " She's tanked." "A fine time to make a drinking debut." " Where are the casualties, sir?" " Now, just hold your horses." " They're not even here yet." " Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir." "I'll drive." "Major." "Major, dear, you're drunk." "I'm not so think as you drunk I am." " You better go to your tent." " I can't operate in my tent." "You're doin' OK so far." "Go salute yourselves." "Guys, you better get her outta here." "Sober her up." " We'll need her tonight." " Why us?" "Because a lot of people here might enjoy seeing this get on her record." " And we wouldn't?" " I think you guys are in a different league." "Besides, I'm ordering you to do it." " Please." " You said the magic word." " Where are we going?" " Never you mind." "What are you doing?" "New procedure." "You have to scrub up from head to toe." "In your clothes." "That's ridiculous." "But I like it." "More." "You wanna know something?" "You really wanna know something?" " No." " OK." " What?" " I really could have gone for you." " Well, it's been known to happen..." " Not you." "Him." "That curly blond hair and that crooked smile." "And you're really built too, you know, you son of a gun." "There you were, out of uniform, unshaven, no sirs, no salutes, no nothin'." "That's when I fell in love with him." "So." "Where did that leave me?" "I turned to that no-lipped, chalk-skinned, snivelling wife-lover." "Frank Burns." "Yes." "Did either of you ever kiss Frank?" " Not me." "How about you?" " I was hoping maybe this New Year's Eve." "I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but Frank Burns is a lipless wonder." "Come on, now, down the hatch." "What was that?" "A load of B1." "Get you on your feet again." "And I didn't get you anything." "Richardson." " Lap sponge." " Lap sponge." " Number ten blade." " Gonna do a little cutting, Frank?" "Well, as long as I'm there, I thought I'd go after the appendix." "That's not the appendix, Frank." "That's my pinkie, and I'm very fond of it." " Forceps." " Forceps." "Doctor?" " Doctors?" " Yeah?" "I'm grateful to you for helping me." " Don't mention it." " To anyone." "We have reputations to protect." "Suction." " Suction." " You know something, Trap?" "You really are built, you son of a gun." "Here's some more coffee, Margaret." " Thanks, Frank." " Feeling any better?" "I'd have to be dead three days to feel better." "Poor darling angel." "Shut up, Frank." "Whatever you say." "I'm just so glad you're not going anywhere." "That's so true, Frank." "Hi, kids." "Mind if we join you?" "Margaret?" "Margaret, I want to tell you how much last night meant to me." "I want to know you're not playing games." "He means it." "I saw him carving your name on a patient." "All those years I wasted taking showers by myself." " Hold on." " Watch it." "He's got a scalpel in his sock." " I do not!" " How do you talk so well with no lips?" " Will you listen to that?" " Terrific, isn't it, sir?" "Yeah, it's nice having the children all together again."