" Opening night" " Opening night" "It's opening night" "It's Max Bialystock's latest show" "Will it flop or will it go?" "The cast is taking its final bow" "Here comes the audience now" "The doors are open They're on their way" "Let's hear what they have to say" "He's done it again He's done it again" "Max Bialystock has done it again" "We can't believe it" "You can't conceive it" "How'd he achieve it?" "It's the worst show in town" "We sat there sighing" "Groaning and crying" "There's no denying" "It's the worst show in town" "Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss" "We've seen shit But never like this" "Max Bialystock has done it again" "The songs were rotten The book was stinkin'" "What he did to Shak espeare Booth did to Lincoln" "We had this specially made up for Max Bialystock." "We couldn't leave faster" "What a disaster" "We are still in shock" "Who produced this schlock?" "That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock" "What a bum" "Hello?" "Mr. Bialystock?" "Anybody here?" "Mr. Bialystock?" "Who are you?" "What are you doing here?" "What do you want?" "Speak to me, dummy." "Speak!" "Why don't you speak?" "Scared." "Can't talk." "All right, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Calm down." "Get ahold of yourself." "Come with me." "Come on." "Come on." "Come on, right this way." "Watch your step." "Look, just..." "Take a deep breath." "Let it out slowly." " Who are you?" " I am Leopold Bloom." "I'm an accountant." "I'm from Whitehall  Marks and I've come to do your books." " Oh, you have, huh?" "Well, listen..." " Who is it?" " Hold Me" " Touch Me." "Hold Me" " Touch Me." "One of my backers." "Listen, I have to meet with an important investor." "Do me a big favour, go to the bathroom." " But I don't have to go." " Try." "Try." "Think of Niagara Falls." "Be with you in a moment, my darling." "Hold Me" " Touch Me." "Where is Hold Me" " Touch Me?" "Kiss Me" " Feel Me, Clinch Me" " Pinch Me Lick Me" " Bite Me, Suck Me..." "Here she is." "Hold Me" " Touch Me." "You know, it worked." "As soon as I pictured Niagara Falls I didn't have any trouble at all..." " Back." "Back." "Don't make a sound." "Coming." "Coming." "Hello, gorgeous." " Hold me, touch me." " As soon as I shut the door." "Did you bring the checkie?" "Bialy can't produce plays without checkies." "Here you go." "But first, can we please play a game?" "One dirty little game." "All right, my little sex kitten." "What shall we play?" "The Debutante and the Bricklayer?" " Oh, no." " No." "How about the Rabbi and the Contortionist?" "You like that one, mama, keeps you limber." "I know." "Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid and the Well-Hung Stableboy." "I don't think I have the strength." " Don't worry, I'll be gentle." " All right." "Oh, dear this milk is so heavy." "I'll never reach the house." "You there, well-hung stableboy." "Won't you please help me?" "Of course, my little dairy queen." "First I'll take your milk." "Then I shall take your virginity!" "No!" "No!" "Never!" "Never!" "Yes." "Yes." "Give it to me, well-hung!" "Give it to me." "Darling, wait, I haven't even had coffee yet." " Take it easy." "Take it easy." " Oh, my God." "Send me to the moon, you animal." "Send me to the moon." "Yes." "Yes, my darling." "Thursday." "Come back Thursday." "I'll send you to the moon Thursday." "I may even join you." "But first, the checkie." "Where's the checkie?" "Come on, come on, find the checkie." "Here you go." "I made it out, like you told me, to the title of the play:" " Cash." " Yes." "That's a funny name for a play, Cash." "Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh." "I'll see you Thursday." " Bye." " Bye." "Bye." "Yes, yes, yes." "You dirty old buzzard." "May I come out of the bathroom now, Mr. Bialystock?" " Yeah, sure." " I'm terribly sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady." " " Feeling up the old lady."" "Thank you, Mr. Tact." " May I take your coat?" " Oh, thank you." "So you're an accountant, huh?" " Yes, sir." "I am, sir." " Then account for yourself!" "Why are you looking up little old ladies' dresses?" "Bit of a pervert?" "I know what you're thinking." "How dare you condemn me without knowing all the facts." " Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't condemn..." " Shut up!" "I'm having a rhetorical conversation." " Do you know who I used to be?" " Well, yes." "You're Max Bialystock the king of Broadway." " No, I'm Max Bialy..." "That's right." " That's right." " And might I say, Mr. Bialystock..." "And please don't take this the wrong way but you're not just a dirty old man." " Thank you." "Oh, you're also a great Broadway producer." "And there's something about me you should know." "When I was a kid I had the good fortune to be taken to Bialy-Hoos of '42." " Oh, Bialy-Hoos." " Yes." "And I still have the ticket stub." " Oh, look at that." " Yeah." "And ever since, I've had a secret desire to be a Broadway producer." "A secret desire, huh?" " Kid, can I give you some advice?" " Yes, sir." "Keep it a secret." "Do the books, please." "Top drawer, to the left." "Oh, my God." "Will you look at that." "That's it, baby!" "When you got it, flaunt it!" "Flaunt it!" "Mr. Bialystock, may I speak to you a minute?" " A minute?" " Yes." " Just one minute?" " Yes." " Okay." " In glancing at your books..." " Go!" "You have 58 seconds left." "...I noticed that in the column..." " You're gonna time it?" " Time is money." "I looked at your books and the columns marked "monies received."" " And I can't make the figures work out." " Forty-eight seconds." "Hurry." " There's a problem with your figures." " Twenty-eight." "Running out of time." " Tick, tock." "Tick, tock." "Tick, tock." " I cannot..." " Fifteen seconds." " I cannot..." "I can't function." " I cannot function in these conditions." " Five, four, three, two, one." "You're making me extremely nervous." "What is that, a handkerchief?" "What?" "This?" "No, it's nothing." "It's nothing." "Well, if it's nothing, then why can't I see it?" "My blanket." "My blue blanket!" "Give me back my blue blanket!" "Give me my blanket!" "Give it to me." "Give it to me." "Give me the blanket." "Give it to me!" "Give it to me!" "Here, here, here." "Don't panic." "Don't panic." "Don't panic." "I..." "I'm sorry." "It's just that I don't like anyone touching my blue blanket." "It's not important, it's a minor compulsion." "I can deal with it if I want to." "But I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting." "I need to lie down for a minute now." "They come here." "They all come here." "How do they find me?" "Hey, kid." "Hey." "Look at this." "How can I help you?" " What's wrong?" " You're gonna jump on me." " What?" " You're gonna jump on me." "I know you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug." " Oh, God." " Please, don't jump on me!" "I'm not gonna jump on you!" "I'm not gonna jump on you!" "Get ahold of yourself!" "Stop it!" "Stop it!" "Stop!" "Calm down!" "Don't touch me!" "Don't touch me." " What's the matter now?" " I'm hysterical." "I'm having hysterics." "I can't stop when I get like this." "I can't stop." "I'm hysterical." "I can see that." "All right." "All right, calm down." "I'm coming, I'm coming." "Take it easy." "I'm wet!" "I'm wet." "I'm hysterical and I'm wet!" "I'm in pain." "I'm in pain, I'm wet and I'm still hysterical." "All right, all right." "What can I do?" "You're getting me hysterical." "Move away, you frighten me." " You're too close." " I frighten you?" "Yes, get over there and stop touching..." "Move over there!" "Sit down." "I'm sitting, I'm sitting." "You still look angry." "I'm sorry." "How's this?" "Who's my little accountant?" "Who's my little accountant?" "Are you my little accountant?" "Are you my little accountant?" " Are you my little accountant?" " I am." "Yes, you are." "Well, thank you for smiling." "That helped a great deal." "Well, you know what they say:" ""Smile and the world smiles with you."" "This man should be in a straightjacket." " You feeling better?" " Oh, yes, I'm fine now." "Thank you." " Good." " May I speak to you?" "Yes, Prince Myshkin." "What can we do for you?" "Well, this is hardly the time for levity, Mr. Bialystock." "I've discovered a serious error in the accounts of your last show, Funny Boy." " Where?" "What?" " Well, according to the backers list you raised $100,000." "But your show only cost 98,000." "There's 2000 unaccounted for." "I went to a Turkish bath." "Who cares?" "The show was a flop." "Bloom, do me a favour move a few decimal points around." "You can do it, you're an accountant." "You're part of a noble profession." "The word "count" is part of your title." " That's cheating." " It's not cheating." "It's charity." "Bloom you see this stickpin?" "This once held a pearl as big as your eye." "I used to wear handmade Italian shoes, $500 suits." "And look at me now." "Look at me now!" "I'm wearing a cardboard belt." "Bloom, you gotta save me." "I'm reaching out to you." "Don't send me to prison." "Help me." "All right." "All right." "Okay, I'll do it." " Really?" " Yes, I'll do it." "See, $2000 isn't so much." "I'm sure I can hide it someplace." "After all, the IRS isn't interested in a show that flopped." "Right." "Good thinking." "You figure it out." "I'm gonna take a little nap." "Now, let's see." "Let's see, if we add up these deductions, we get..." "Carry the three, divide by four..." "Amazing." "It's absolutely amazing, but under the right circumstances a producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit." "Yes, it's quite possible." "If he were certain that a show would fail a man could make a fortune." " Yes?" " Yes, what?" " What you were saying." "Keep talking." " What was I saying?" "You were saying that a producer could make more money with a flop than a hit." "Well, yes." "It's quite possible." "You keep saying that, but you don't say how." "Well, it's simply a matter of creative accounting." "Let's assume for a moment that you are a dishonest man." "Assume away." "All right." "When you produced your last show, Funny Boy you raised $2000 more than you needed." "But you could've raised a million put on your $100,000 flop and kept the rest." " But what if my show was a hit?" " Then you would go to jail." "See, rather than 100 percent of the show you would've sold more than 1000 percent." "So if the show's a success, there's no way to pay off the backers." " Get it?" " Got it." "So in order for our scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure- fire flop." ""Our scheme"?" "What scheme?" "What scheme?" "Your scheme, you bloody little genius." "I meant no scheme." "I merely posed a little academic accounting theory." " It was just a thought." " Bloom worlds are turned on such thoughts." "Don't you see, Bloom?" "Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom." "It's so simple." "Step one, we find the worst play ever written." "Step two, we hire the worst director in town." " Step three, I raise 2 million dollars." " Two?" "Yes, one for me, one for you." "There's a lot of little old ladies out there." "Step four, we hire the worst actors in New York and open on Broadway." "And before you can say "step five," we close on Broadway take our 2 million and go to Rio." "Rio?" "That'd never work." "Oh, ye of little faith." "What did Lewis say to Clark When everything look ed bleak?" "What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing" "As they struggled Toward Everest's peak?" "What did Washington say To his troops" "As they crossed the Delaware?" "I'm sure you're well aware" "What'd they say?" "We can do it" "We can do it" "We can do it Me and you" "We can do it" "We can do it" "We can make our dreams come true" "Everything you've ever wanted" "Is just waiting to be had" "Beautiful girls Wearing nothing but pearls" "Caressing you, undressing you And driving you mad" "No." "Bloom." "Bloom, wait a minute, now." "Hear me out." "Just think about it." "Stop!" "We can do it We can do it" "This is not the time to shirk" "We can do it You won't rue it" "Say goodbye to petty clerk" "Hi, producer Yes, producer" "I mean you, sir Go berserk" "We can do it We can do it" "And I know it's gonna work" "What do you say, Bloom?" "What do I say?" "Finally, a chance to be A Broadway producer" "What do I say?" "Finally, a chance to mak e My dreams come true, sir" "What do I say?" "What do I say?" "Here's what I say to you, sir" "I can't do it I can't do it" "I can't do it That's not me" "I'm a loser I'm a coward" "I'm a chick en Don't you see?" "When it comes to wooing women" "There's a few things that I lack" "Beautiful girls Wearing nothing but pearls" "Chasing me, embracing me I'd have an attack" "Why, you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar." "Don't you ever wanna become a butterfly?" "Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?" "No!" " Where to?" " Central Park." "Gotta breathe." "Gotta breathe." " We can do it" " Mr. Bialystock, please stop the song" "You've got me wrong I'll say "so long"" "I'm not as strong a person As you think" "Mr. Bialystock, just take a look I'm not a crook" " Drink champagne, not ginger ale" " I'm a schnook, bottom line is I stink" " Come on, Leo, can't you see-o?" " I can't do it" "You see Rio, I see jail" "Driver, stop." "Here." " We can do it" " I can't do it" " We can do it" " I can't do it" " We can do it" " I can't do it" " We can do it" " I can't do it" " We can do it" " I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it" "'Cause I know it's gonna fail" "Fail?" "How could it miss?" "All you need is a little courage." "Bloom, you know what you are?" "You're like a..." "You're like a..." "You're like a fountain waiting to explode and shoot into the sky!" " I'm a fountain?" " Yes, you're a fountain!" "Don't you realize?" "There's a lot more to you than there is to you." "Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made a terrible error in judgment." "You've mistaken me for someone with a spine." "I'm going back to Whitehall  Marks now." " Goodbye forever." " Bloom." "Bloom, wait a minute!" "Bloom." "Think about it." "You'll never get a cab at this hour!" "Bloom." "Oh, Lord." "Dear Lord I want that money!" "Unhappy Unhappy" "Very unhappy" "Unhappy Unhappy" "Very, very, very, very, very Very, very unhappy" "Bloom!" "Where the hell have you been?" "You are six minutes late." "This is an accounting firm not a country club." "You can't come and go as you please." " Yes, Mr. Marks." " Remember, you're a nobody." "A PA." "A public accountant." "And I am a CPA." "A certified public accountant." "A rank a miserable little worm like yourself could never hope to achieve." "Yes, Mr. Marks." "Thank you for speaking to me." "You're welcome." "What are you gawking at?" "You never saw a person humiliated before?" "Now, get back to work." "All of you!" "Unhappy Unhappy" "Very, very, very, very Very, very, very unhappy" "I spend my life accounting" " With figures and such" " Unhappy" "To what is my life amounting?" " It figures, not much" " Unhappy" "I have a secret desire Hiding deep in my soul" "It sets my heart afire" "To see me in this role" "I wanna be a producer" "With a hit show on Broadway" "I wanna be a producer Lunch at Sardi's every day" "I want to be a producer" "Sport a top hat and a cane" "I wanna be a producer And drive those chorus girls insane" "I wanna be a producer" "And sleep until half past 2" "I wanna be a producer And say, "You, you, you..."" "Not you." "I wanna be a producer" "Wear a tux on opening night" "I wanna be a producer" "And see my name, Leo Bloom In lights" "He wants to be a producer" "Of a great big Broadway smash" "He wants to be a producer" "Every pock et stuffed with cash" "He wants to be a producer" "Pinch our cheeks till we cry" "Yes." "He wants to be a producer With a great big casting couch" " I wanna be" " He wants to be" " I wanna be" " He wants to be" "I wanna be the greatest, grandest" "And most fabulous producer In the world" "He's gotta dine With a duchess and a duk e" "I just got to be a producer" "Drink champagne until I puk e" " Drink champagne till he puk es" " I wanna be a producer" "Show the world just what I got" "I'm gonna put on shows That will enthral them" "Read my name in Winchell's column" "I wanna be a producer" " 'Cause it's everything I'm not" " Unhappy" "Unhappy" " I wanna be a producer" " Very, very unhappy" " Unhappy" " I wanna be a produce..." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Hold everything." "Hold everything!" "What am I doing here?" "Mr. Bialystock was right." "There is a lot more to me than there is to me." "Stop the world, I wanna get on!" "What the hell is going on in here?" "Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?" "Bloom, where do you think you're going?" "You've already had your toilet break." "I'm not going into the toilet." "I'm going into show business." "And, Mr. Marks, I have news for you." "I quit!" "And you were right about one thing, you are a CPA." " A certified public asshole!" " Hooray!" "Here's my visor my Dixon Ticonderoga number 2 pencil and my big finish!" "I'm gonna be a producer" "He's gonna be a producer" " Look out, Broadway" " Look out, Broadway" "'Cause here I come" "Mr. Bialystock." "Mr. Bialystock." "I'm back!" "I'm back." "I've changed my mind." "Boy, you are good." " Who are you talking to?" " Never mind, just an old friend." " What happened?" " Oh, just this..." "Just this:" "When I said that I was scared that I was gonna go to jail I didn't realize that I already was in jail." "I've spent my life counting other people's money." "People I'm smarter than better than." "When's Leopold Bloom gonna get his share?" "When's it gonna be Bloom's day?" "I want..." "I want..." "I want everything I've ever seen in the movies." "And, Leo, you're gonna have it." "Because..." " We can do it, we can do it" " I'm gonna be a producer" "Say goodbye to woe and gloom" " With your brilliance, my resilience" " I'm gonna be a producer" " Up together we will zoom" " Up together we will zoom" " We can do it, we can do it" " We can do it, we can do it" "Every show I touch I doom" " We were fated" " We were fated" " To be mated" " To be mated" " We're Bialystock and Bloom" " We're Bialystock and Bloom" "Oh, Max..." "Oh, Max, let's give up." "I can't read anymore." " How many plays can a person read?" " Stop complaining." "We have to find the worst play ever written." " I've been reading all night." " Who cares?" "You wanna be a producer, read, read." "Keep reading." "Here's one." "Act I, scene one." ""Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach."" "No, too good." "" But how could you see me?" "The glass was frosted."" "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "I've read this before." "I think I've read this one before." "What's it called?" "What's it called?" "The Frosted Glass." "Max, I'm reading plays that I read last night, Max." "I can't go on anymore." "It's too much." "Let's face it, we'll never find it." "We'll never find it." "We'll never find it." "We'll never find it." "We'll never find it." "Leo." "Leo." "See it?" "Smell it." "Touch it." "Kiss it." "Kiss it." "It's the mother lode." " What is it?" "You found a flop?" " A flop." "That's putting it mildly." "This is a catastrophe." "A disaster certain to offend peoples of all races, creeds and religions." "A guaranteed- to-close- in-one- night beauty." " Well, let's see it." " Here." ""Springtime for Hitler a gay romp with Eva and Adolf at Berchtesgaden."" "Oh, my God." ""Oh, my God" is right." "It's practically a love letter to Hitler." " Max, this won't run a week." " A week?" "Are you kidding?" "This play has got to close on page four." "What's the author's name again?" "" Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street, New York, New York."" "Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street." "Let's go." "We'll get the Broadway rights to Springtime for Hitler even if we have to go so far as to pay him." " Come on." " This other hat, Max may I wear it?" " No, you may not." " Why?" "Because that is a Broadway producer's hat." "You don't get to wear a Broadway producer's hat, son until you're a Broadway producer." "And you're not a Broadway producer until..." "I know, I know." "Until I've produced a show on Broadway." "But I'm going to wear that hat, and soon too, because..." "We're gonna be the producers" "Of a great big Broadway flop" "Ja, ja, my Lieblings." "Let me grab you here." "We have work to do." "Hilda, my darling." "Here, I have written an important message which must reach Ernst Schlongdorf." "29 West Santiago Boulevard Buenos Aires, Argentina." "AQAP." "As quick as possible." "Good." "Fly, Hilda." "Fly!" "Hilda, where are you going?" "Argentina's that way!" "Okay, chow time." "Yummy, yummy, yummy." "Goes right into your belly." "It's just a hunch, but I'm betting this is our man." "Max, he's wearing a German helmet and lederhosen." "Yeah, I know." "Don't notice them." "Don't notice anything." "Always look straight ahead." "Remember, we need that play." "Franz Liebkind?" "I was never a member of the Nazi Party!" "I only followed orders." "I had nothing to do with the war." "I didn't even know there was a war on." "We lived in the back right across from Switzerland." "All we ever heard was yodelling." " Who are you?" "!" " Relax." "Mr. Liebkind, we're not from the government." "We're producers, Bialystock and Bloom here to talk to you about your play." " My play?" "You mean Springtime for you-know-who?" " That's the one." " What about it?" " We love it." "Don't we love it?" " We think it's a masterpiece." " We want to put it on Broadway." "Broadway!" "Oh, joy of joys." "Dream of dreams." "I can't believe it." " I must tell my birds." " Tell your birds." "Otto, Bertha, Heinz, Heidi, Wolfgang Adolf." "Do you hear?" "We are finally going to clear the Führer's name." "Broadway!" "You know, not many people know this but the Führer was a terrific dancer." " Really?" " We didn't know that, did we, Leo?" " No, no, we sure didn't." "That's because you were taken in by the BBC!" "Filthy British lies!" "But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill?" "Churchill!" "With his cigars, with his brandy and his rotten paintings." "Rotten!" "Hitler." "There was a painter." "He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon." "Two coats." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes, of course he could, Mr. Liebkind." "And that is exactly why we wanna produce your play." "Show the world the true Hitler." "The Hitler you loved the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart." "Here, Franz Liebkind." "Sign here and make your dream a reality." " No." " That's what "nein" means." "First you must prove to me that you believe as I believe by joining with me and singing and dancing the Führer's favourite tune:" "" Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."" "I know." " " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"?" " " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."" "No." "I could never sing the Führer's favourite..." "Delighted." "Delighted." "...song." " Shut up, he's almost ready to sign." "All right." "First you will roll up your pants." " Rolling?" " Rolling." " Don't be stingy." "Show some leg." " Alrighty." " Good." " Good." " Key of E?" " Is there any other?" "Guten Tag hop hop Guten Tag clop clop" "Ach, du lieber Und oh, boy" "Guten Tag clap clap Guten Tag slap slap" "Ach, du lieber What a joy" "Oh, wir essen und fressen Und tanzen und trink en" "Tanzen und trink en Until we get stinkin'" " Everybody!" " Guten Tag hop hop" "Guten Tag clop clop" "Guten Tag Mein lieber Schatz" "So we hop our hops Und we clop our clops" "Und we drink our Schnaps Till we platz" "You will sway?" "We will sway." "Follow me." "Very good." "Whatever you say." "This is a tricky one" "Oh, the Hop-Clop." "It's been so long!" "Sort of a Nazi hoedown." "Gentlemen, you may produce my play." "Excellent." "Excellent." "Here we are." "Here." "But only if you take the Siegfried Oath." "The Siegfried Oath?" "What's that?" "A pledge of eternal allegiance to our beloved Führer." "Never took that oath before." "One for me, one for you, und one for you." "Never..." "Had one of those on before." "Thanks very much." " You're welcome." " Nice colours." "Oh, look, reversible." " Oh, yeah, you're right." " Max." "Max, we never should have started this." "I think we're getting in too deep." "Too deep?" "This is nothing." "I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep." "All right." "First, you will raise your right forefinger und repeat after me." "I solemnly swear..." " I solemnly swear..." " I solemnly swear to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath." "...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath." "...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath." " Und..." " Und..." "Und never, never, never never, never, never..." "...never, never, never dishonour the spirit und the memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler." "...dishonour the spirit und the..." "...dishonour the spirit und the..." " Elizabeth?" " Elizabeth?" "Ja, that was his middle name." "Not many people know this but the Führer was descended from a long line of English queens." "Is that right?" "Yes." " Adolf Elizabeth Hitler." " Adolf Elizabeth Hitler." " Good." "Now I sign your contract." " Excellent!" "Excellent." "Here we are, sir." "Right here on the dotted line." "There you are." "You shall never regret this." "So thank you, Herr Liebkind." "Alrighty, then." "Thank you." "Let it go." "Let it go." "Halt!" "I forgot to tell you." "The penalty for breaking the Siegfried Oath is dess." "" Dess"?" "Is that anything like "death"?" "Yeth." "Sorry to hear that." "Don't worry we'll iron out all these thorny details over strudel." "Ta-ta, big guy." "Here we go..." "We're trapped!" "Trapped!" "Got it." "Let's have lunch." "What nice guys." "Broadway." "I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland." "Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger DeBris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June." "Who may I say is calling?" "Listen, you broken- down old queen he was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky." " Don't ever call here again." " Who was that?" "Wrong number." "Yes?" "Well, hi there." "I'm Max Bialystock and this is my associate, Mr. Bloom." "We have an appointment with renowned theatrical director Roger DeBris." " Ah, yes." "Yes, please come in." " Please." "Yes." " Thank you." "I am Carmen Ghia Mr. DeBris' common-law assistant." "You are expected." "May I take your hat, your coat and your swastikas?" "Oh, these." "We..." "We..." "We just came from this big rally." "Everybody was wearing them." " You didn't tell me we had those on?" " I didn't notice them." " You told me to look straight ahead." " Yes, all right." "Let's not fight." "Okay?" "Oh, Roger." "We're not alone." "Here's Roger." " Max, he's wearing a dress." " No kidding." "Roger, good to see you again." "Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom, I presume?" "Forgive the pun." " What pun?" " Shut up." "He thinks he's witty." "Roger, may I say you look gorgeous." "Absolutely gorgeous." "By the way, Max, darling, we loved Funny Boy, didn't we?" "Worshipped it." "To be or not to be You mean a lot to me" " Showstopper!" " Fabulous." "Oh, dear." "Your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown." " Well, I was..." " I should explain." "I'm going to the Choreographers' Ball." "There is a prize for best costume." " We always win." " I'm not so sure about this year." "I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building." "Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half dressed." "Well, then, why don't you go and get it oh, Wicked Witch of the West." "If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart bull's- eye!" "Oh, Roger, let's face it, that building is you." "Listen, I know we sent it to you only this morning but did you read Springtime for Hitler?" "Read it?" "I devoured it." "And I find it remarkable." "Remarkable!" "I feel it is a very important piece, drenched with historical goodies." "I, for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany." "Yeah, how about that." "Then you'll do it?" "Do it?" "Of course not." "It's not my kind of thing." "I mean, Max, please." "World War II?" "Too dark, too depressing." "The theatre's so obsessed With dramas so depressed" "It's hard to sell a tick et on Broadway" "Shows should be more pretty Shows should be more witty" "Shows should be more" "What's the word?" " Gay?" " Exactly." "No matter what you do on the stage" "Keep it light, k eep it bright Keep it gay" "Whether it's murder Mayhem or rage" "Don't complain, it's a pain Keep it gay" "People want laughter When they see a show" "The last thing they're after is A litany of woe" "A happy ending Will pep up your play" "Oedipus won't bomb" "If he winds up with Mom" " Keep it gay" " Keep it gay" " Keep it gay" " Keep it gay" "Couldn't agree more." "And you have our blessings, Roger to make Springtime for Hitler just as gay as anyone could possibly want." "So come on, do it for us." "Please." "I'm sorry, Max." "It's simply not my cup of tea." "Still, fair is fair." "I should ask my production team what they think." "Your production team, who are they?" "You'll see." "They all live here." "Guys!" "Come say hello to Bialystock and Bloom!" "This is my set designer, Brian." "Hello." "Keep it mad, k eep it glad Keep it gay" " Here's my costume designer, Kevin." " Hello." "Keep it happy, k eep it snappy Keep it gay" "We're clever, creative It's our job to see" "That everything's perfect For Mr. debris" "Scott, my choreographer." "Hi there." "And, finally, last and least my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz." "Keep it gay Keep it gay" "Keep it gay" "Now, they all just read Springtime." "What did you think of it, fellas?" " It needs glamour" " And glitz" " It needs sequins" " And tits" "Leo." "Leo, I think we're losing them." "Go say something nice to Roger." "I think he likes you." " But, Max..." " Go on." "It's just show biz." "Mr. debris." "Roger." "Roger, actually, I think your gown is very stunning." "Why, thank you, Mr. Bloom." "Leo." "What is that enchanting cologne you're wearing?" "Me?" "I'm not wearing any cologne." "You mean that smell is you?" "Oh, God." "If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day." "Oh, Max." "Max, we never should've started this." " I think we're getting in too deep." " Too deep?" "This is nothing." "I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep." "And so the rule is" "When mounting a play" "Keep it funny Keep it sunny" "Keep it gay" " What should we do?" " Relax." "Watch this." "Roger, I..." "I think that Springtime for Hitler would be a marvellous opportunity for you." "I mean, up to now, you've always been associated with..." "Dare I say it?" "...frivolous musicals." "You're right." "I've often felt as though I've been throwing my life away on silly entertainments." "Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns." "Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn." " Roger." " It's enough to make you heave." "Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max, I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler." " Why not?" "Think of the respect." " No." " Think of the prestige." " No, no, no." "Think of the Tony!" "Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony" " What's the matter?" " Is he all right?" " He's having a stroke." " What?" " Of genius!" " I see it at last." "The chance to do something important." "Roger DeBris presents History" "Of course that second act has to be rewritten." "They're losing the war?" "Excuse me, that's too downbeat." "Roger DeBris presents History" "But maybe..." "It's a wild idea, but it just might work." "I" "See" "A line" "Of beautiful girls" "Dressed as storm troopers Each one a gem" "With leather boots And whips on their hips" " It's risqué, dare I say, S  M" " Love it!" "I see German soldiers Dancing through France" "Played by chorus boys In very tight pants" "And wait, there's more" "They'll win the war" "And the dances they do Will be daring and new" "Turn, turn, kick, turn." "One, two, three, kick, turn." "Keep it sassy, k eep it classy Keep it..." "That is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!" "I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself, Roger when I say you are the only man in the world who could do justice to Springtime for Hitler." " Will you do it, please?" " Please." "Wait a minute." "This is a very big decision." "It might affect the course of my life." "I shall have to think about it." "I'll do it." "I'll do it" "Sabu, champagne!" "If at the end You want them to cheer" "Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay" "Whether it's Hamlet, Othello Or Lear" "Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay" "Comedy's joyous A constant delight" "Dramas annoy us And ruin our night" "So k eep your Strindbergs And Ibsens at bay" " I'll sign" " Sign" " Sign" " Sign" " Sign" " Sign" "Sign!" "Roger Elizabeth debris." "Keep it gay" " Conga!" " Everybody!" "And so the rule is" "When mounting a play Keep it gay" "Keep it gay" "Stop it." "Keep it gay" "Exclusive Broadway rights to the worst show ever written and a signed contract with the worst director who ever lived." "We're in business." "And what a business." "In the same day, I'm taking the Siegfried Oath and dancing the conga with a cop, a sailor and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian." "Yeah." "Oh, well." "It's not easy being a Broadway producer." "But together we'll make it." "Partners, Leo." "Partners all the way and nothing or no one will ever come between us." "Nothing or no one, Max." " Come in." " Come in." "Bialystock and Bloom?" " What?" " Oh, excuse me." "Swedish." "Casting today?" " Cahstink?" "Cahstink?" " Cahstink?" " Casting!" " Casting." "No, no, no, miss." "We're not casting yet." "We don't even know when we're beginning rehearsals..." "Yes, we just started casting today." "Yes." " We're casting?" " Yes." "Yes, we're casting." "If you don't mind, just once in my life I'd like to see somebody on that couch who's under 85." "What's your name, my dear?" "My name is Ulla Inga Hansen Benson Yonsen Tallen" " Hallen Svaden Svanson." "Wait." "Wait." "What's your first name?" "That was my first name." "You wanna hear my last name?" "We don't have the time." "We'll just call you Ulla." "Okay?" "Yeah." "What do you do, Ulla?" " Ulla sing and dance." " Oh, yeah?" " You want Ulla make audition?" " Oh, no, miss." " That won't be nece..." " Yes, it is " nece."" "Extremely nece." "Please." "Please make audition." "Make audition all over the office." " What are you going to sing?" " Well yesterday when I was stepping out of a big, white Rolls-Royce limo a crazy man yelled something out the window that inspired me to write this song." "When you got it" "Flaunt it" "Step right up and strut your stuff" "People tell you modesty's a virtue" "But in the theatre Modesty can hurt you" "When you got it" "Flaunt it" "Show your assets Let 'em know you're proud" "Your goodies you must push" "Stick your chest out Shake your tush" "When you got it Shout it out loud" "Now Ulla dance." "When you got it" "Show it" "Put your hidden treasures On display" "Violinists love to play an E string" "But audiences really love a G-string" "When you got it" "Shout it" "Let the whole world hear What you're about" "Clothes may make the man All a girl needs is a tan" "When you got it Let it hang out" " Remember when Ulla dance?" " Yeah." "Ulla dance again." "Ulla dance again!" "When I was just a little girl In Sweden" "My thoughtful mother Gave me this advice" "If nature blesses you From top to bottom" "Show that top to bottom Don't think twice" "Now Ulla belt." "Don't think twice!" "When you got it" "Share it" "Let the public feast Upon your charms" "People say that being prim Is proper" "But every showgirl knows That prim will stop her" "When you got it" "Give it" "Don't be selfish Give it all away" "Don't be shy Be bold and cute" "Show the boys your birthday suit" "When you got it" "If you got it" "Once you got it" "Shout out" "Hooray!" "Okey- dokey." "You like it?" "Like..." "Like it?" "I want you to know, my dear, that even though we're sitting down we're giving you a standing ovation." "She's in the show." "Wait, Max." "Max, we don't even know if there's a part for her in the show." "Would you excuse us, my dear?" "Nonsense, Bloom." "Bloom, do I have to teach you everything?" "There is always a part for the producer's girlfriend." "But we don't even know when we're starting rehearsal yet." "So what?" "So what?" "We're producers, aren't we?" "So until she goes into the show, she can work for us here." "Because we need..." "Nay, deserve to have ourselves a..." "Deserve to have ourselves a gorgeous Swedish secretary/receptionist." "But, Max, a secretary who doesn't speak English?" "What will people say?" "They'll say:" "Offer her the job, please?" "Just a moment, miss." "We might have a position for you." "As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you." "Until the show gets going we can offer you a job here as a secretary/receptionist." "Secretary/receptionist?" "Okey/dokey!" "I can do that." "Answer telephone." "Bialystock and Bloom." "Bialystock and Bloom." "Smart as a whip." "You're hired!" "Well..." "Well, all right." "If he says so, I don't have a..." "Secretary/receptionist." "And maybe you can tidy up around here a little bit too." "Tidy up?" "Tidy up." "Such a funny word." "What means "tidy up"?" " You know, clean." " Make look nice." " Oh, yeah." "Ulla can make tidy up." " Very good." "What time can you be here in the morning?" "Well, Ulla wake up every morning, 5 a.m." "From 5 to 7, Ulla like to exercise." "From to 7 to 8, Ulla like to take long shower." "From to 8 to 9, Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast." "Many different herrings." "From to 9 to 11, Ulla like to practice her singing and her dancing." "And at 11, Ulla like to have sex." "What time should I get here?" " Eleven." " Eleven." "Good." "Ulla will come at 11." "Ulla will come at 11." "God bless America!" "God bless Sweden." "Oh, Max." "Max, she's fantastic." "The most beautiful girl I've ever seen." "I've never felt this way before." "It's like a volcano erupting inside of me like hot lava rising higher and higher and..." "What is that, Max?" "What is it?" "It's called an erection." "It's either that or malaria." "But don't worry, they have shots for everything now." "Come here, I want to show you something." " What do you see?" " Nothing." "Exactly." "But now that we've got our sure- fire flop it's gonna be our job to fill that safe with 2 million dollars." "Two million?" "Gee, how much do we put in?" "How much...?" "How much do we put in?" "Bloom the two cardinal rules of being a Broadway producer are one, never put your own money in the show." "And two?" "Never put your own money in the show!" " Get it?" " Got it." " Good." " So how do we raise the money?" "How?" "I'll tell you how." "From my investors." "Hundreds of little old ladies all looking to Max Bialystock for one last thrill on their way to the cemetery." "So in the days to come, Bloom, you shall see very little of me." "And right now, I'd like to see very little of you." "Scram while I get myself ready." "For Max Bialystock is about to launch himself into little- old-lady land." "The time has come" "To be a lover from the Argentine" "To slick my hair down With brilliantine" "And gargle heavily With Listerine"