"Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt." "Say you have an ax... just a cheap one from home depot." "On one bitter winter day you use said ax to behead a man." "Don't worry..." "the man's already dead." "Maybe you should worry, 'cause you're the one who shot him." "He'd been a big twitchy guy with veined skin stretched over swollen biceps, tattoo of a swastika on his tongue." "And you're chopping off his head because even with eight bullet holes in him, you're pretty sure he's about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face." "You now have a broken ax." "So you go to the hardware store explaining away the dark reddish stains on the handle as barbeque sauce." "The repaired ax sits undisturbed in your house until the next spring when one rainy morning..." "So you grab your trusty ax and chop the thing into several pieces." "On the last blow, however..." "Of course a chipped head means yet another trip to the hardware store." "As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax though..." "You meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last year, only he's got a new head stitched on with what looks like plastic weed-trimmer line and wears that unique expression of you're-the-man-who-killed- me-last-winter resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life." "So you brandish your ax." "That's the ax that slayed me." "Is he right?" "My name is David wong." "I once saw a man's kidney grow tentacles, tear itself out of a ragged hole in his back and go slapping across my kitchen floor." "But that's another story." "More side effects." "It's always like this when I'm on the sauce." "I dosed six hours ago." "My count had 5,829 grains of rice on her plate." "The rice was grown in Arkansas." "The guy who ran the John deere harvester was nicknamed cooter." "I'm not a genius." "I'm not a psychic either." "Just side effects, that's all." "David wong?" "David wong?" "What, did you doze off there?" "Hey, you're..." "you're Arnie, right?" "Arnie blondestone." "Sorry I'm late." "You don't look Asian, Mr. wong." "I'm not." "I was born right here." "Had my last name changed though." "Thought it'd make me harder to find." "You know that wong is the most common surname in the world?" "Mmm." "Is your family still around?" "No, I was adopted." "I never knew my real dad." "You could be my dad for all I know." "Are you my dad?" "Uh..." "I don't think so, no." "Anyway, my adopted family moved away." "I won't tell you where they went, but..." "Get out your pen, 'cause you're gonna wanna write this down." "My biological mom, she was institutionalized." "Must've been hard." "She was a strung-out, crank-addicted cannibal, dabbled in vampirism and necromancy." "Blew her welfare check every month on black candles." "Really?" "And I thought my mom was bad because she wouldn't let me watch "space ghost."" "You pulling my leg?" "No, this is just what I do when I get nervous." "Um, she was bipolar, that's all." "Couldn't keep a house." "But isn't the other story better though?" " I think you should use that." " I thought you wanted to get the truth out, your side of it." "If not, what are we even doing here, Mr. wong?" "You're right." "Sorry." "So you guys are..." "you're what?" "You're some kind of spiritualists?" "Exorcists?" "Something like that?" "I could blow your world away, Arnie." "If I show you what's in this container, you'll never feel at one with the human race until the day you die." "You ever shit yourself, Arnie?" "'Cause you would've if you'd been there last night." "He's a seeker of truth in an age of fear." " Marconi." " He is willing to face down" " the legions of evil." " Marconi." "He will help his fellow man to find a path into the light." "Marconi." " Hello?" " Hey, this is John." "Your pimp says bring the crack shipment tonight or he'll be forced to stick you." "Meet him where we buried the Korean whore... the one without the goatee." "That was John's code." "It meant "bring your gear and come to my place as soon as you can." "It's important."" "John, it's 3:00 in the morning, man." "Oh, and don't forget... tomorrow's the day we kill the president." "John." "That last part was code for "stop and pick me up some beer on the way."" "Dave." "Come in." "Dave, this is Shelly." "She needs our help." "So, Shelly, tell us your story." "It's my boyfriend." "He won't leave me alone." "He's been harassing me for the past week." "I'm terrified to go home." " Miss..." " Morris." "Miss Morris," "I'd strongly recommend a women's shelter." "They can help you get" " a restraining order..." " my boyfriend..." "Has been dead for two months." "I didn't know where else to go." "I heard through a friend that you guys handle..." "Unusual problems." "Shelly, when he comes, you can see him?" "Yes, and I can hear him." " He hits you?" " Man, what a dick!" "Shelly, in our experience, spiritual beings that can manipulate objects in the physical world are rare." "Uh, look, miss Morris, I really don't think..." "I told her that we'd look into this tonight." "I thought that maybe you and I could go over there and show this bastard what's what." "So where do you see him mostly?" "In the basement." "And once in the bathroom when I was on the toilet," " he stuck his hand through the seat once." " Okay, just... just show us the basement door." "It's that way." "Well..." " He's not here." " Big surprise." "She seems like a nice girl, doesn't she?" "She reminds me of Amber..." "Amy's friend." "When she came to my door tonight I actually thought it was her for a second." "Oh, by the way, Dave, I wanted to thank you for coming along." "I'm not saying I'm gonna take advantage of her distress or anything, but..." "Aw, jeez." "Ooh." "Guy must've been a hunter." "Wait." "John." "Did I hear you say that you thought that she looked like Amber?" " Yeah." " John, Amber's almost as tall as me." "Like, just under six feet, blonde hair, kinda top-heavy." "Yeah, I know." "She's cute as hell, right?" "Yeah, and you think that Shelly looks like her?" " The girl sitting upstairs?" " Yeah." "John, Shelly's short." "Short with dark hair, blue eyes." "God damn it." "I knew she was too good to be true." "Uh, Shelly." "John and I are having a bit of a problem here." "We're both seeing completely different versions of you." "Now John here has eyesight problems 'cause of his constant masturbation, but I don't think..." "Oh!" "God!" "Ah!" "Oh!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Oh." " That door cannot be opened!" " No." "They love to play games, don't they?" "It's all they have time for." "You disappoint me." "All these years we've dueled." "You will never defeat me, marconi." "Wait, Dr. Albert marconi?" "The guy who hosts the magical mystery show on the culture channel?" "Dumbass." "Marconi?" "Marconi's like 50 years old." "They guy's got white hair." "We're not your Nemesis." "Okay, I'll tell you what... if we can get you in touch with marconi so you two can work out your little differences, will you release us?" " You lie!" " No no no, we're in the same business." "We got a direct line." "Here." "Marconi!" "Marconi!" "Marconi!" "Marconi!" "Marconi!" "Monsieur?" " Yes?" " S'il vous plait." "...Unseen forces swirling around us, willing to face down the legions of evil..." "Yes." "...and helping his fellow man to find the path from darkness into the light." "From sold-out engagements in Rome, Tel Aviv," " Madison square garden and Las Vegas..." " Sir." "Hello, doctor." "Uh, yeah, John is feeling better." "Thank you for asking." "I'm afraid we have a situation 53 here." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah, would you be willing to speak directly to the manifestation?" "Okay, yeah, I will." "We have a deal?" "So we meet again, marconi." "You thought..." "Damn." "He's good." "Marconi." "Marconi." "Marconi." "Marconi. (Cheers" "Spiritualists?" "Exorcists?" "You guys already have a bit of a following though, don't ya?" "I found a couple of discussion boards on the web devoted to you and your friend and your... hobby, I guess." "Okay, I'm not farting around." "You have 83¢ in your front pocket, Arnie... three quarters, a nickel, three pennies." "The pennies are dated 1983, 1993 and 1999." "Well, I'll be damned." "That's a neat trick, Mr. wong." "If you flip the nickel 10 times, you'll get heads, heads, tails, heads, tails, tails, tails, heads, tails, tails." "I don't think I wanna take the time to do that." "Last night you had a dream, Arnie." "You dreamt you were being chased through the forest by your mother." "She was lashing you with a whip made of knotted penises." "That's right, Arnie." "Everything you know is wrong." "You've got my attention, Mr. wong." "Oh, it gets better." "A lot better." "Bullshit." "What it gets is worse." "A lot worse." "It started just a couple of years ago." "We were just a year or two out of high school, just kids." "So that friend of mine John, he had a band." "I once knew a man... actually, I made that up." "One, two, three, four!" "♪ My melon soul" "♪ camel holocaust" "♪ crushed by your Gallagher of apathy ♪" "♪ camel holocaust" "♪ there's a wolf behind you!" "♪ Camel holocaust" "♪ no wait, it's just a dog ♪" "♪ camel holocaust" "♪ hair!" "Hair!" "♪ Hair!" "Hair!" "♪" "♪ my hat smells like lubricant ♪" "♪ camel holocaust" "♪ I don't want to touch it... ♪" "Telling the story now, I'm tempted to say something like," ""who would've thought my friend John would help bring about the end of the world?"" "♪ Hair!" "Hair!" "♪ hair!" "Hair!" " Hey, Fred." " Hey." "Here's to all of the kisses I've snatched and vice-versa." "Amen." "Justin." "Girl, what you thinking?" " Justin, please!" " Get your hand off me." "Please give it back to me, Justin." "Please?" "Please give it back to me, Justin." " Get your hand off me, girl." " No!" "Could I have that back, please?" "Umm, hey, you're..." "you're Amy, right?" "Um..." "Do you want a beer?" "No, my dog just..." "Bit some Jamaican guy." "I've got to go find him." "Man, my Uncle lost a foot in his riding mower." "Says you can still feel it." "What's that... what's that called?" "Fantasy leg situation or something like that?" "It's called phantom limb syndrome, and all amputees get it and it goes away." "Asshole." "Good one, Fred." "I'm floating, man." " And that's real magic, man." " What's up?" "Is there some guy exposing himself over there?" "Oh my God, that guy just levitated..." " Right off the ground." " How high?" " Wow." " Ooh." "You gotta love the skeptic, man." "Lemme guess... about six inches above the grass, right?" "Balducci levitation?" "Let's see." "What can I do to impress Mr. skeptic man here?" "Ah, look at there." "You forgot to wash behind your ears there, didn't ya?" "It's a quarter, right?" "Well, the bug's a nice touch." "Oh." "Do you dream, man?" "I interpret dreams..." "For a beer." "Well, I don't have any beer, so I guess I'm out of luck." "I'll tell you what I'll do, Mr. skeptic man." "I'll do it like Daniel in the old testament." "I'll tell you the last dream that you had and then I'll break down it's meaning for ya." "And if I'm right, you owe me a beer." "Okay, man?" "Sure." "I mean, you've obviously been blessed with supernatural gifts." "What better way to use them than to fish for free beer at parties?" "You had this one early this morning in the middle of the thunderstorm." "And in the dream, you were back with your girlfriend Tina." "Whoa." "How'd he know that?" "And you come home and she's there with this big honking pile of dynamite and one of them cartoon plunger detonators, ready to blow." "And you say, "what you doing?"" "And she says, "this," and boom." "Your eyes snap open and the explosion at the end of the dream become the clap of thunder outside of your window." "So tell me, man..." "am I close?" "Holy shit." "Okay." "You made a lucky guess." "You see?" "You gotta ask yourself, man... you gotta be really brave to ask yourself the scary questions." "How did your mind know, David," " that the thunder was coming?" " How'd you know my... the thunder came right as she hit the detonator at the end of your dream." "Your mind started the dream 30 seconds before the thunder." "Now how did the mind know that the thunder was coming?" "Hmm?" "Because..." "Time is an ocean..." "Not a garden hose." "Space is a puff of smoke, a wisp of cloud." "Your mind is a flying corn snake, hovering through all the possibilities." "Whatever." "You want to know where your papa really was when you were in hospital with broke leg?" "Do you want me to tell you the name of your soulmate?" "Or how she'll die?" "Do you want to know when the first nuclear bomb will hit American soil?" "Or in which city?" "Hey, man!" "You owe me a beer, man!" "Three arm Sally!" "Three arm Sally!" "Oh." "Where'd you come from?" "Good dog." "Oh." "Help yourself." "Okay, bark Lee, you and me'll go visit Amy, see if we can't get back in her good graces." "John, what's going on?" "I can't get out of my apartment." " What?" " I'm scared, Dave." "I mean it." "It..." "it can't be real." "It can't." "The way that it moves, the way it's made... this is not a product of any kind of evolution or anything, but it still managed to bite me." " What?" " Can you come over?" "Yeah, I'll be there in 12 minutes." "Oh!" "John?" "John?" "John." "John, I'm gonna call the police." "Oh!" "It almost killed you!" "You're a fucking idiot." "You know that?" "Now we're both gonna die!" " You ready?" "Go!" " Yeah." "Ahh." "Ahh!" "Ahh." "John?" " Do not move." " What?" "I know you don't believe me, but when you turn around, you will." "Don't scream." "If you scream, you're dead." "Now, very slowly, turn around." "There!" "It moved!" "John, you can either come with me to the hospital or I'm gonna call an ambulance, all right?" "But I'm not gonna just stand around in your apartment while you..." "John, go!" "Get in the car." " Why don't you tell me what this is?" " You don't want to touch that." "You shouldn't have come here." " You called me." "You begged me." " What?" "I did?" " When?" " Just tell me what this stuff is, John." "They're gonna ask me, so just tell me before you fall asleep." "All right, I remember now." "I was..." "I remember calling you." "It's hard, okay, 'cause everything's running together." "I kept calling you." "I kept calling and calling and calling." "I bet I called you like 20 times." "You kept getting all weird on me." "You know what I think?" "You're gonna be getting phone calls from me for the next eight or nine years... all from tonight." "I couldn't help it." "I couldn't get oriented." "It was like I kept slipping out of time." "No, wait." "Where are we gonna go?" " Emergency room, John." " What?" "No." "No." "No." "Yeah." "I don't know what else to do, all right?" "I'm not gonna play this game with you." "Hey, let's go to your place or something." "Any place but here." "Someplace safe." "So you don't know the name of the drug?" "Robert called it "the soy sauce," but now I'm thinking that was just the nickname." "It's not actually soy sauce." " Wait..." "Robert?" " The guy with... oh, right yeah, the fake magical Jamaican." " What was his last name?" " Marley." "Ah." "Of course." "Robert Marley." "And that guy's the one who gave you the... we were in the one ball parking lot, right?" "Just passing around a joint." "That Jamaican guy..." "He pulls out this sauce and goes," ""It be opening doors to other worlds, man."" "Did anyone else take it?" "That stuff, Dave," "I'm remembering things that haven't happened yet." " I mean that didn't happen." " John, answer my question." "Did anyone else take the sauce?" "I don't know!" "That's what I'm trying to say!" "We went to Robert's trailer..." "Andy and those guys, they didn't want to come." "I think they got freaked out when they saw a needle come out." "And you still actually tried that shit?" "Are you kidding me?" "How could I not?" "Dave, please please please, answer your phone or just turn it off." "Okay, all right." " Yeah?" " Dave?" "It's me." " Is this a recording?" " What?" "No." "Look, I don't know if we've talked tonight but we don't have much time." "I think I called you and told you to come here." "If so, don't do it." "If I haven't called, then obviously you shouldn't..." " just stay away regardless." " Who is this?" "It's John." "Can you hear me?" "I can hear you and I can see you." "You're sitting right here next to me." "Well, then just talk to me in person then." "Oh wait, do I look like I'm injured in any way?" " What?" " Shh." "I'm sorry, I gotta go." "Say hello to me." "Was that me?" "It was me, wasn't it?" "I'm sorry, Dave." "No, I really am." "I'm sorry for messing up your sleep cycle." "Come on, get in the car." "I'm sorry for everything that's gonna happen." "All the people that are gonna..." "Explode." "John." "John, wake up." "He's still breathing." "Fuck it." "Saint dom's." "Uh, hi." "I need a priest." "Well, this is father shelnut." "What can I do for you?" "Do you..." "Have any experience with, like..." "Demonism?" "Like hauntings, possessions and all that?" "Look, people say they see things or hear voices in their head, we generally refer them to a counselor." "No no no." "No no." "I'm not crazy." " Other people have..." " no, I didn't mean to imply that." "Why don't you come talk to me?" "And then even if you need to see a professional," "I've got a brother-in-law who's real good." " What do you think it's like, father?" " What's what like?" "Being crazy, mentally ill." "Well, they never know they're ill, do they?" "I mean, you can't diagnose yourself with the same organ that has the disease, just like you can't see your own eyeball." "I suppose you just feel regular and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you." "But let's just suppose that I actually..." "I mean, in reality, ran into something from beyond the..." "Oh fuck!" "Ah!" "Ah." "I'll try to explain this without cursing, but the black shit from planet x that came out from that motherfucker looked like it had grown hair." "Did I mention that the stuff was moving?" "Twitching?" "Uh, hello?" "Are you still there?" "Yes, son, I am." "Just keep calm, okay?" "Nothing you're seeing is real." "I could feel it, that strange venomous warmth spreading through my thigh." "Look, I appreciate your time, but..." "I'm starting to think there's nothing you can do to help me." "Son, I'm going to be honest with you." "We both know you're fucked." "Excuse me?" "Your mom writes on the walls with her own shit." "Great changes are coming to deadworld, my son... waves of maggots over oceans of rot." "You'll see it, David." "You'll see it with your own eyes." "Do you understand?" "Be calm." "Drive." " Ah." " Drive." "Just drive." "Wanna... ahh!" "John!" "John!" "John, wake up!" "Who the fuck are you?" "My name is Roger north." "Congratulations." "Now who the fuck are you and what's this fucking thing you've got on my chest?" "!" "My interest is only in you." "It is said out of genuine concern for your safety." "A very important role you must play." "Korrok is a powerful adversary." "Things are in motion, Mr. wong." " Fascinating." " What?" "They harvest insects here, do they not?" "For their honey?" "Do the bees know that they make the honey for you or do their work tirelessly because they think it is their own choice?" "Have you ever noticed when you hear a word for the very first time in your life, you will hear that word again within 24 hours?" "Do you ever wonder why sometimes you'll see a single shoe lying alongside the road?" "I've been watching you for some time, but there are great gaps in my knowledge." "Do you know I observed a man who masturbated until he bled?" "Did he want to do that?" "And you, when you're alone..." "Okay." "Okay." "This thing I got pointed at you... you know what it does?" "I believe I have an idea, yes." "And are you familiar with the old human saying" ""I want to shoot you so bad, my dick's hard"?" "I don't believe I do." "Maybe you'll hear it again in the next 24 hours if you don't try to fuck with me." "Now shut up and don't move." "Things are in motion, huh?" "Huh." "Nice work, bark Lee." "David wong?" " Yeah." " Detective Lawrence appleton." "Would you please step out of the car?" "You and your friend?" "He's... resting." "Get the fuck out of the car." "I want to thank you for coming down, Mr. wong." "I bet it's been quite a night for you, huh?" "Where's John?" "Oh, he's fine." "He's talking to another officer" " a few rooms from here." " John... he's talking?" "Really?" "Since you're both gonna tell me the unvarnished truth, you don't have to worry about your stories matching." "Do you?" "Just tell me what you did last night." "Well, I went to a party by the lake." "I left around midnight." "I was asleep by 2:00." "Ooh, you sure about that?" "You sure you didn't go over to the one ball inn?" "You know, on grand Avenue?" "Grab a nightcap?" "Your buddies were all there." "No, I had work in the morning." "I went straight home." "As I spoke, a strange jittery energy began to rise up in me, radiating from the chest out." "At that moment, things began to clarify and become simple." "All of a sudden I was startled to find I could see the cop's next question before he spoke it..." "word for word." " "Have you heard the name..."" " Have you heard the name" "Nathan curry?" "A guy about your age." "His parents own a body shop right here in town." " No." " "How about shelby winder?"" "How about shelby winder?" "Heavy girl." "Senior at east side high." " Justin white?" " No, sorry." " What happened?" " Everything was obvious now." "All the walls of the maze turned to glass." "I immediately knew" "This list of people had all been at the party last night and they were all now dead or heading there." "How do you know that?" "How do you know any of this?" "Magic?" "You know damn well why." "That black shit John took made blood contact with you." "Now you're getting high, partner, on the soy sauce." "It's got you." "At least nine people at the one ball inn at closing time 12 hours ago..." "Three are missing." "Your friend is here." "The rest are dead." "Your friend is the only known survivor of the one ball nine." "And now don't take offense at this... but he's not looking too healthy right about now." "Did he say anything this morning?" "John called me last night, talking crazy... paranoia, hallucinations, the whole monsters-in-his-apartment bit." "Said he couldn't remember how he got where he was like that." "Did he say what he was on?" "No." "You know we'll find out anyway, right?" "I'm not interested in booking a bunch of your raver buddies for popping pills." "To somebody like me, dead bodies are what matters." "Now if somebody is out there selling poison..." "I would tell you if I knew." "So what, that's how everyone died?" "Overdose?" "What about that guy?" "You know him?" "Yeah, he was there." "Whatever John had, he got it from this guy." "That's Bruce Matthews." "He runs an amateur unlicensed pharmaceutical operation on the corner of 30th and Lexington." "And those?" "Before." "After." "What could even do that to a person?" "Like a bomb or some kind of... nothing you'd know how to do." "I'm sure of that." "Maybe it's something not within the bounds of our familiarity." "What I..." "Sir, we need you in the other room now." "Hey, what the hell's going on?" "God damn it." "Your friend..." "He's dead." "Sorry." "Hold on." "So, uh..." "Black stuff..." "this soy sauce." "That's a drug, right?" " Oh, I'll get to that." " It makes you smarter when you take it." "It lets you read minds and all that." "It heightens your senses, I think." "I don't know." "It's like... when you're on it, it's like overload." "Like if you hooked your car radio up to one of those interplanetary s.E.T.I. Antennas, you just get shit from all over the place." "You can see things you shouldn't be able to." "And you've still got some of this stuff?" " I'm getting to that." " You're on it right now." "You're on it right now and that's how you did the whole thing with the coins and the dreams and all that earlier." "Yeah, I took some today." " It's fading though." " The effects don't last that long?" "The side effects don't last that long." "The effects will last the rest of my life, I think." "Maybe longer." "Wow." "Okay, so..." "so wait a minute." "The kids that died... that was that rave overdose, wasn't it?" "I remember all that... a couple of years ago, seeing that on the news." "I thought they got ahold of some tainted ecstasy or something." " You're the guy..." " something like that." "Okay, so if I contact this..." "Detective appleton, he'll remember talking to you?" "Good luck finding him." "So what do you think?" "Huh, well..." "I think you've got a book here, probably, if you flesh it out a little bit." "A book?" "Meaning a work of fiction?" "Meaning it's all bullshit?" "Hey, a story's a story." "I'm just a feature reporter, so the fact that you think it happened is my story." "You know, I don't remember leaving the house with any coins in my pocket." "I think you could've slipped them to me." "Without you feeling it?" "And the thing with the dream?" "Come on, Arnie." "I think you're trying to be one of those..." "One of those mentalists, like that Dr. marconi on TV." "Dr. marconi may be theatrical, but believe me, he's not an act." "Well, I caught marconi's act in Vegas, and your story sounds like a lot of the same kind of hocus-pocus to me." "Come with me." "I wanna show you something." " Where are we going?" " Just out to my truck." "All right." "You see it?" "No." "Or, you know, it's an empty cage." "Turn your head so you're looking at me." "Yup." "Now you should see the box just out of the corner of your eye." "Let's go back inside." "Your story was more interesting." "You're gonna die, Arnie." "Someday you will face that moment." "And at that moment you will face either complete nonexistence or you will face something even stranger." "On an actual day in the future, Arnie, you will be in the unimaginable." "It is physically impossible to avoid it." "Think about that." "Now, without turning your head, look at the box." "Ah!" "Shit!" "Oh shit shit!" "Shit!" "What the shit is that?" "Wait a minute." "How the fuck did you do that?" "What the fuck is that thing?" "What the fuck, man?" "There's no name for it in this world." "It's pretty freaky though, right?" "Wait." "No no no no." "You... you made me see something." "You made me see something out of my own head." "You freaked me out so that I would see something." "No, it's really there." "I'm surprised you saw it so easily though." "You must have an open mind." "Most people only see it that fast if they're stoned or drunk." "I want to tell the rest of my story, Arnie." "I need to." "I need to get it out." "But you have to take it for what it is..." " the truth." " Okay." "Until I figure it out for real." "Okay." "Eh, that'll have to do." "Come on." "Anyway, so the cop comes in, tells me that John is dead." "Your friend..." "He's dead." "What?" "How?" "Calm down." "Calm down." "He went into convulsions or something." "His pulse stopped." "We've got ambulances." "One will be here in 30 seconds." "We've got Vinnie doing c.P.R. On him." "Vinnie is a lifeguard in his off hours." "Now you listen to me, boy." "Here's what you're gonna do." "I'll be back in five minutes and then you are gonna tell me the truth." "And if you obstruct me in any way, you're gonna live the rest of your days wishing you had not." "Yeah?" "Dave, this is John." "What?" "Did you get out?" "Yes and no." "Are you still at the police station?" "Yeah, we were..." "we were both... have I died yet?" "Dave, can you hear me?" "Umm, yeah." "I, uh... everyone ran out of the room." "They said you had... no no, there's no time to explain all this right now." "Look, leave the police station right now during all the commotion." "They'll have emts hauling my body out, lots of people will be standing around looking." "Just walk out." "Don't run." "That'll attract attention." "Just calmly walk out like your business is done there." "Also, is there any way that you can steal my body?" " What?" "!" " No, probably not." "Okay, never mind." "We'll have to work around that." "Okay, have you reached the sidewalk yet?" "No, I'm still standing in the room." "I can't leave." "There's still a guy in here with me." "Another cop." "No, there's not." "Check the mirror." "I don't get it." "He's not real, Dave." "Well, not in the traditional sense." "Just go." "Just walk out." "Okay, you're gonna start seeing things like this from time to time." "It's important that you not freak out." "So, uh..." "He can't hurt me, right?" "Oh, I'm pretty sure he can." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Ah!" "Dave, it's me." "Where are you right now?" "I'm on the sidewalk outside the cop shop, walking." "Where are you?" "Heaven?" "When you hear a song on the radio, where is the song?" "What?" "Wh... what, John?" "Just keep walking." "Just go toward the park." "And don't freak out." "Are you freaking out?" "I don't know." "I can't believe this phone still works." "There's a hot dog guy about maybe a half a block ahead." "Do you see him?" " Okay." " Buy a bratwurst from him." "One." "Okay, I have the bratwurst." "Put it up to your head." "Gonna have to ask you why, John." "I have to show you something." "Dave." "Dave, can you hear me?" "All right, all right, I get it." "Yeah, I can hear you through some kind of psychic vibration or whatever and not the phone." "Okay, I get it." "Okay?" " Could've just told me that." " The only reason that you can hear me is because you have some of the soy sauce in your system from the syringe." "But it's not very much and it's not gonna last very long." "What is that stuff, John?" "The sauce..." "it was alive." "I swear." "Listen, you've got to get over to Robert's place." "There aren't any cops there right now, but there will be." "We've got sort of a narrow window here, so you've got to take a cab to Wally's, get your car and then go to wayside village on lathrop Avenue." " It's a trailer park South of town." " I don't have any cash." "I had $5." "I just spent three of it on the bratwurst." "That bratwurst cost $3?" "Holy crap." "Okay." "All right, give me a second." "Okay, check between the sausage and the bun." "You should find a $100 bill rolled up in there." "There's no money in the bratwurst." "It's just a piece of lettuce." "Okay." "You have your atm card?" " John." " Dave!" " Yeah." " What?" "Did you just drive under a bridge or something?" "No, I'm at the trailer park." "Which one's Robert's?" "Oh, it's wearing off." "Okay, don't talk, just listen." "Go inside..." "And as long as you absolutely remember not to do that you'll be fine." "Good luck." "Oh, wait wait wait, John." "John, I didn't get the... hello?" "This looks like the place." "Stay in the car." "Oh shit." "You know what's in there, right?" "We know Robert had a stash of the shit." "Hey, man!" "You owe me a beer, man!" "And if he had a stash, he couldn't just cram it under his bed." "That black shit moves, it has a will, an attitude." "It bites." "And then I realized all at once what I had come here for." "When I was one the stuff..." "that little hit in my thigh..." "I could communicate with the dead, with John." "When it wore off I could not." "My one chance to save John lay inside this bottle." "It was decided then, just like that." "Ugh." "Oh, son of a motherfuck!" "The fucking soy sauce is digging a fucking hole in my fucking face!" "I'll throw myself at the cop and beg him to take me to the emergency room to pump my stomach, to bring in an exorcist, to call in the air force to nuke this whole town into radioactive dust" "and bury it under 60' of concrete!" "And then... calm." "Almost zen." "That's what came next, that soy sauce feeling." "I wanted to run, to duck, to act, but the body is a slow, wet mechanism of muscle and bone that creeped even as my mind flew." "And so just like that, I stepped outside of it." "I had a full 1.78 seconds before the detective would step through the door." "A supercomputer can do over a trillion mathematical equations in one second." "To that machine, one second is an eternity." "Okay, think." "You're standing on the thin cool crust of a gigantic ball of molten rock hurtling through frozen space." "You're in a situation that could threaten the nature of said existence on said molten ball, depending on which decision you make." "But wait." "There are a shitload of subatomic particles in the universe, each set into outward motion at the moment of the big bang." "Thus whether or not you move your right arm now or nod your head or choose to eat fruity pebbles or corn flakes next Thursday morning was all decided at the moment the universe crashed into existence 17 billion years ago." "Thus it is physically impossible for you to deviate..." "I never finished this thought, as I suddenly realized" "I was no longer in the trailer." "Was I dead?" "Uh, excuse me." "So..." "I..." "Suppose you're wondering why I'm here." "Same as everybody." "You're trying to figure out what in the name of Elvis is going on." "Everybody except me." "Me..." "I don't even wanna know anymore." "I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing with this can of gasoline?" "Oh, thanks." "I fell..." "On a drill." "Oh!" "You leaving already?" "Here, help me." "I'll be glad to, but first" "I wanna know what happened to my friend John." "Well, he's gone, you know that, right?" "Meaning?" "He's just gone." "You know a kid named Justin white, Mr. wong?" " High school kid?" " You asked me that back at the station." "I remember now." "He's that kid..." "kinda talks like a junior gangster." "He's one of the missing, right?" "Well, he's the guy who called in the... the whatever happened here..." "about 4:00 in the morning." "Get in!" "Go go go go go go!" "Oh!" "Shit." "I thought he was stabbed in the gut or something." "I looked closer and there was something on Justin... his arms and his face." "And this stuff, it's alive." "Stay back, Steve." "I got this." "Yo, what up, 5-0?" "So you're still gonna burn this place down?" "That's right." "And you're not gonna let me go." "So you understand my mood, understand why I'm out here committing felonies today, there are some very dark things happening" "and I've got this lonely feeling like I'm the only one who knows, the only one who can do anything about it." "Everybody's got a ghost story, u." "F.O. Or a bigfoot story... no." "You know what I think?" "I think stuff is both real and not real at the same time." "I'm not a star trek fan." "I don't know very much about other dimensions and all that." "I'm an old school catholic." "I believe in hell." "I believe that it's more than just murderers and rapists down there." "I believe in demons and worms... vile shit in the grease trap of the universe." "And the more I think about it, the more I think that it's not just someplace down there." "Oh no, that it's right here with us." "We just can't perceive it." "It's kinda like the country music radio station." "It's out there in the air even if you don't tune into it." "And I think that somehow through chemistry or magic or voodoo... that Jamaican son of a bitch, he tuned in to it, into hell itself." "Through that, he opened a door." "He became the door." "And me?" "I intend to close it." "Uh, excuse me." "Move." "Oh!" "David!" "You understand me?" "This is John." "Uh... hello." " We're in big fucking trouble, Dave." " Yeah, no shit, Fluffy." "Oh, you can hear me, so I guess you took the soy sauce." "Why?" "Didn't I tell you not to?" "And what happened to your face?" "Your second question answers your first." "There are two people still alive from last night other than me," "Fred chu and your girlfriend Amy." "Wait." "You're with Amy?" "And who's got you?" "Justin white... or that thing that used to be Justin." "Uh, that's four still alive, including Justin." "There's nothing left of Justin inside of him now." "Couple of days," "Justin's gonna hatch just like that Jamaican did." "Anybody in the vicinity when that happens will become a spawning pod thing." "Dave, the last world that saw these things was saturated within 100 days." "And don't ask me how I know that either, because I don't know." "Okay, I got another question." "Everyone who took the soy sauce is either dead or comatose except for me." "Probably able to adjust." "But you should have figured out by now, Dave, you don't choose the soy sauce." "The soy sauce chooses you." "The soy sauce chooses you." "If it can't use you, it kills you." "From what I hear, it plays with you first." "Justin?" "Yo, you need to come roll with me, dude." "Where, uh..." "where we going, Justin?" "Why you fronting, bro?" "You know what time it is." "Stop calling me Justin like nothing's changed, yo." "What should I call you, homey?" "Just call me shitload, because there's a shitload of us in here, yo." "Dude, I know you strapped, but before you think about flashing that nine on me, yo, you better listen to what I's gots to say." "As I was saying, yo..." "Gonna listen to me, dude?" "I've..." "I'm listening, shitload." "We taking a ride." "Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen." "Oh my God, my balls." "Hey hey." "We heard the gunfire." "Are you the one that shot him?" " I saw his head." " I was aiming for his heart" " but yeah, I did get him." " Good." "Amy?" "Do you think he can be killed?" "Look, I don't know." "He said something about an old mall." "The mall of the dead." "Why there?" "John?" "How long has he been like this?" "Does he ever say anything?" "He mumbles." "Been like that ever since they brought him in." "Wake up!" "Come on, wake up, asshole." "Hey." "Uh, I found your dog." "I know." "Thanks." "Listen," "I'm gonna get us out of this." "Don't worry." "John's got a plan." "Ooh." "Man!" "Where are we?" "We're in some liquor truck and we're on our way to the abandoned mall on highway 59." "Did you say we're going to the mall or coming back from it?" " Going!" " Yeah, that's right," " 'cause Fred's still alive." " What?" "!" "Nothing nothing." "I got a headache." "You see that door?" "I see it." "Yo, she'll be able to walk up outta here if y'all cooperate." "I need her to open the ghost door, yo." "But if you give me static or try to play the motherfucking fool, as soon as she done what I need, I'm gonna make you... hey!" "Yo, what's out there?" "A weapon?" "You trying to gank me, fool?" "I guess there's no getting rid of you." "Any more of them?" "No, I don't think so." "Then come on..." "all of you." "Let's get to my car." "Okay, so those white things that you saw take over Justin... they're looking for hosts, okay?" "Now, uh, there was a drug that the guy, the one who exploded, he had it in his trailer... that stuff is black, right?" "Oh." "You're, uh..." "you're familiar with it?" "Sounds like you and I both got long stories to tell." "I've been up 48 hours straight and this case ain't getting no clearer." "It's the adrenaline..." "it keeps me going." "Yeah." "That and those..." "Piercing voices in my head." "Wait." "What kind of voices?" "Uh..." "Oh fuck!" " Ah, come on!" " Oh!" "Oh!" "Get out of the way." "Oh!" "Dave, let's go, come on." "Get outta there!" "Take my hand!" "Come on!" "Go!" "Go!" "Move!" "Shit!" "Come on, let's go." "Guys, I'm all right." "I'm okay!" " Whoa!" " That's not Fred." "Not anymore." "Guys, look, I don't know what you think you saw back there." "Any one of us could be infected or whatever, but we gotta stick together." "We're the good guys here." "Right?" "Fred, why don't you go down to the highway and flag down a car?" "Yes." "Oh." "Help me get him to the wreck!" "These things are starting to come out of him!" " Come on!" "Drag him!" " Oh God, I can't." "You can do it!" "Come on!" "Get him over here." "Get back!" "Okay." "John, what are you doing?" "My weapons." "I'm not gonna stand by while some white fuzz from another dimension invades our world and infects every last man, woman and child." "We're gonna go through that ghost door and clean house." "What?" "I went with the old testament." "Okay." "Why?" "'Cause we're the only ones who can." "'Cause we were chosen..." "By the soy sauce." "Are you in?" "Yeah, I guess." "Is that a paintball gun?" "Ghost door... you see it?" "Yeah." "All I see is a wall." "Oh, cool." "Shit." "It's a ghost knob." "This just doesn't make any sense." "Nuh-uh." "'Cause Justin... or shitload or whatever his name was... he said he needed Amy to open it." "Hey!" "Amy!" "Oh, I have so many questions to ask" " but no time to ask them." " That's him, that's the guy... the one in my truck with the slug last night." "Okay, slug man, can you tell us just what the fuck this place is?" "Well, what do you think you're looking at there?" "You're gonna be looking at my fist and then Dave's dick if you don't fucking tell us what this is!" "The others have devoted more time and resources than you can imagine to developing an ability to pass from one side to the next with no success." "But now we realize that you," " and John here, apparently can." " Who's "we"?" "Oh, I have enlisted an ally from your world." "This guy?" "You trusted this guy?" "He's just an infomercial dude." "Hey, don't be so hasty, Dave." "Dr. marconi brings a lot to the table." "Thank you, John." "You're a gentleman." "The source of the current manifestation is on the other side of this portal." "The entity's name is korrok." "And what does this korrok look like, exactly?" "You will know him when you see him." "Believe me." "He cannot be destroyed by conventional means, but I have a plan." "Ladies." "It is called the tripper." "And it came from where, exactly?" "This is an experimental cold war weapon designed to take down a city the size of moscow." "Contained within this detonator is a block of c-4 explosive, surrounded by a highly-potent military-grade hallucinogen." "If you get the opportunity, you may detonate it like this." "Now the tripper may not kill korrok, but it will sure fuck his shit up." "Severely." "Well, I like the concept, doctor." "Ah!" "Mmm." "Mmm." "Fine." "How do we get in?" "Just decide that you want to and you will." "Ah." "We must be in an alternate universe of some kind." "Apparently it's "eyes wide shut" world." "Gentlemen, welcome!" "As you can see, a select few interested parties were allowed to come and observe your arrival." "So we thought removing the garments would lessen your discomfort." "Yes." "A very nice touch." "Good!" "Come." "Gentlemen, welcome!" "I think they were expecting us." "I like the little touches though." "I suppose you are wondering where you are." "I'm gonna guess we're in an alternate universe of some kind." "Well, that is correct." "Tell me... what was it like passing through?" "I wasn't really paying attention." "Yeah, it really wasn't that great." "We have been awaiting your coming." "We have worked very hard for many years, suffered many tragic setbacks in an attempt to find and communicate with your world." "Your world, you see, is a twin to our own, dual offspring born of the same litter." "Watch!" "Up until this point, our histories were identical." "There was a man named Cyrus Rooney from Tennessee." "In your world, he died at the age of 17, gored to death while trying to crossbreed a bull with a clydesdale." "In our world, the man survived." "Here, Cyrus Rooney was a genius." "He continued to experiment in what he called beastiology." "Yes." "People from our South are into that as well." "You see, by 1881 his group had insectile flying machines." "In 1902 he created the first primitive thinking machine out of the brain of a pig." "You see, by your year 1922 we already had self-feeding, self-healing, self-modifying computers." "In 1926 Mr. Rooney passed away." "And then something miraculous happened to the greatest of his creations." "The very day Mr. Rooney passed, it became sentient." "It gave a name unto itself and expressed desires and emotions." "And from that day forward, this astonishing creature carried on Rooney's work and conformed all living nature to urge on the advancement of mankind." "For some, this process was easy." "Others required re-education." "Watch!" "Mama." "Ow!" "Ow!" "No!" "Please!" "No!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh my God!" "To process the magnanimity that is korrok for your simpler minds, we have translated the following images into a format that we think that you will find more familiar." "I believe in your world they're called cartoons." "Mama!" "Mama!" "Mama!" "There are always those who resist progress." "In our world it is considered a crime." "On our world it's considered a greater crime to unleash killer spiders on an unarmed crowd." "We call that arachnicide." "But what if you had a thinking machine?" "An entity so powerful that it could foresee the outcome of any action?" "Follow me." "We are all very excited that you could join us." "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "That if Franz kafka was here," " his head would explode?" " Actually, yeah." "Gentlemen, you are about to see something very few others have seen before you... the ultimate manifestation of Cyrus Rooney's creation." "Dave, John, meet korrok." "I am korrok." "Welcome." "Your wiener is even smaller in person." "What?" "With a tiny change in your brain chemistry," "I could make you a child molester." " What do you want?" " Not big black cocks, so we don't have that in common." "Get the fuck out of my head!" "David wong, son of an insane prostitute and a mentally-challenged amway salesman." "There are worlds upon worlds," " an infinity you cannot grasp." " ..." "In our world." "They will soon be in your world too." "20 years ago korrok foretold your coming." "He showed us the way to your world." "We have never traveled from our plane to yours." "But we have tried." "Oh, we have tried." "Dave, John, your arrival here is a new dawn." "You can show us the way to go from our world to your own." "You see, in our world, when someone is born with special wisdom, he shares it with korrok so that korrok could be greater." "Watch." "Ah!" "Ah!" "Mmm, bacon!" "We understand." "We only have the best intentions." "We have observed you and will soon move into your world with astonishing speed, so that you too can know the beneficence that is korrok." "But first we have to share your knowledge with korrok." "Dave!" "John!" "No!" "Door!" "Aw, man." "You fucked up" " the detonation sequence!" " Dave, John." "All of the human minds who have ever lived in history, all of your thinkers and writers and teachers and philosophers could not equal even one node of korrok's neural web." "Our legions are ready for the call." "And soon all of your turmoil and unrest and confusion will vanish under the soft hand of korrok." "Hmm?" "Hmm?" "Did bark Lee just sacrifice his life?" " Damn." "That dog just saved the universe." " Amy's gonna kill me." "We must hurry." "Move." "Now!" "Wait." "If you could cross over here so easily, why didn't you just deliver the freaking bomb?" "Why us?" "We needed to send someone they would consider totally innocuous... completely unable to pose a serious threat." "Besides, the dog needed an escort." "Yes." "Good thinking." "So marconi saved the day." "Huh." " Korrok still exists?" " From our world, it's hard to really know for sure." "But it's no secret that there's still strange stuff going down in this town." "What about the girl, Amy?" "What happened to her?" "Amy wasn't too happy about her dog." "The soy sauce that the dog ingested when he bit the Jamaican guy allowed bark Lee to psychically connect with north and marconi." "So the dog knew what had to be done and was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice." "As to Amy..." "She's been my girlfriend ever since." "I got her out of town though." "She's upstate at college." "Got a 3.7 g.P.A." "Good for her." "And John?" "What, uh... what happened to him?" "He survived too?" "We shoot hoops a lot... whenever we're not too busy with, uh, work." "What the hell, Mr. wong." "I say we just go public with it, with your story." "But just telling our story, that's not going to do shit." "The testimony of two nutjobs... that's just going to get us lumped in with all the roswell losers." "Ah, I see." "Okay." "So what do you wanna do?" "We show them this... a physical piece of evidence." "I'm thinking if you can get this in the hands of someone, like a..." "like a lab or something." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Someone with an electron microscope." "Right?" "'Cause I'm thinking whoever takes the first close look at your soy sauce is gonna have a brown stain down the bottom of his lab coat a secondlater." "Yes!" "Make that the story." "Hell, let 'em see the effects themselves." "Just feed that shit to a lab rat and watch the fun begin... watch that thing start levitating and speaking French!" "And you're... you're willing to risk everything?" "Your life, your family?" "Because, I mean, best case scenario, your career as a journalist is gonna be over because this is all anyone's ever gonna remember you for." "And don't forget that there may be people out there... real people..." "who don't want this out." "Oh shit." "Come on, wong." "I've been around." "Wong, I've been around." "My first year out of journalism school," "I got knocked cold covering devil's night for the "Detroit tribune."" "That was 1984." "I woke up with my camera busted on the pavement, blood running down my shirt, a big fat cop standing over me and he says, "stay down, nigger."" "So I think I knew then what I was doing this job for, and in the years since... what?" "What, wong?" "They, uh... they called you the n-word?" "Why on earth would they do that?" "What?" "Is that some kind of joke?" "Why are you laughing?" " Oh my God." " Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey, asshole, answer me!" " Ow." " What?" "!" "I should have known." "Describe yourself to me, Arnie... physically." " Tell me what you look like." " Oh, no no no no no no no." "You're fucking with me." "'Cause to me you're not black, Arnie." "To me you're a sloppy white guy in a rumpled corduroy jacket with a tape recorder." "You think there's something in there, Arnie?" "Come on, Arnie." "Open it." "The sooner you do, the sooner we can move on." "I'm sorry, Arnie." "I really am." "You did this to me." "You did this to me." "You killed me, you son of a bitch!" "Look at your body, Arnie." "The one in the trunk, I mean." "You've been dead for days." "I think someone got wind that you had contacted me and they took you out." "I'm really sorry about that." "I'm not a fucking ghost." "This is bullshit." "This is bullshit." "This is my fault, Arnie." "Not just you getting killed and all, but... but this... this half-life ya got." "I did this." "I projected you." "It's the soy sauce." "It's the one thing it lets me do." "I'm thinking you got killed right after we talked on the phone." "You know how when you talk to someone on the phone you sort of imagine what they look like based on their voice?" "Well, when you got killed, you immediately assumed the shape of what I... this can't be." "I can't." "I don't accept it." "I got kids." "I got a vacation coming up in June." "I'm going to Atlantic city." "I got tickets." "You're in the denial stage right now." "This is all normal." "Shut the fuck up, wong!" "Now!" "I refuse to believe that I am only here because I popped outta your imagina..." "I'm sorry, Arnie." "I really am." "Ha!" "Ring it up!" "274 to 137!" "Ah." "If you weren't counting every basket as 137 points, then you'd be up two to one." "Was that there before?" "I kinda see into it." " Yeah." " I can see people." "It's a hole to another dimension, I bet." " Wanna go through?" " Not really." "Mmm." "After this point." "You just tossed our ball into another universe." "Yeah." "My bad." "So do I have to go get it?" "No." "This is a man's job." "Whoa!" "Oh God." "Here we go." "Hey, Dave." "Where you been, man?" "I've been walking around for like two hours." "Time must move different here." "I came right after you." "At least it's cooler here." "You!" "Unstained!" "How?" "!" "I am sergeant vance mcelroy of the human liberation army." "Prophecy has foretold the coming of strangers from another world." "It is an honor to meet you." "I must confess I do not know from where you came, but I can tell by looking at you that you have not been infected with the great disease." "I assume we share a common enemy." "If you cannot defeat him, then all hope for mankind will be lost." "Gentlemen, the winds of destiny have blown us together." "A bright dawn is about to mark this lost and broken world." " Tyranny will forever be overcome with..." " Yeah yeah yeah." "That's very interesting, but to perform this task we'll need a number of items from our world." "So you must let us return there and come back to begin our quest." "It is good then." "We shall await your return." "But as you depart, know that we of the h.L.A. Resistance will always and forever be in your debt, for both of you mark all that is good and promising." "And the fact that all good..." "♪ This is how I'm feeling" "♪ there is a painter" "♪ angel de woman" "♪ she clearly said "no"" "♪ he is listening to everything I'm saying ♪" "♪ feels like this Mountain" "♪ Dante finally ran its stride ♪" "♪ but the root of all that is ♪" "♪ hidden in the middle" "♪ hidden for the fact that it tore him apart ♪" "♪ what about that smack being ♪" "♪ tossed around like cattle?" "♪" "♪ tossed around my mind" "♪ is official christening" "♪ I hear they're coming back ♪" "♪ I hear they're coming back ♪" "♪ I hear they're coming back ♪" "♪ I hear they're coming back ♪" "♪ a very important fact" "♪ is that he never left" "♪ so how can he come back?" "♪ This is how I'm feeling" "♪ there is a painter" "♪ angel de woman" "♪ she clearly said "no"" "♪ he is listening to everything I'm saying ♪" "♪ feels like this Mountain" "♪ Dante finally ran its stride ♪" "♪ but the root of all that is ♪" "♪ hidden in the middle" "♪ hidden for the fact that it tore him apart ♪" "♪ what about that smack being ♪" "♪ tossed around like cattle ♪" "♪ tossed around my mind" "♪ is official christening" "♪ I hear they're coming back ♪" "♪ I hear they're coming back ♪" "♪ I hear they're coming back ♪" "♪ I hear they're coming back ♪" "♪ a very important fact" "♪ is that he never left" "♪ so how can he come back?"