"Ok, husband, I'll be right down" "Oh, Leo." "I'm so excited" "Tonight I'm gonna sleep with a married man" "Okay, you can watch" "Whee!" "Going on my honeymoon" "I'm happy for you" "I've also narrowed down what I'm gonna turn your room into" "It's either gonna be a home office, a gym or a gift-wrapping room like Candy Spelling has" "Ah, who am I kidding?" "The bows and ribbons arrive tomorrow" "This sucks" "How come Grace gets to go to the Caribbean, and I don't?" "Trust me, poodle You don't wanna go" "Two Jews on a beach?" "It's gonna be a week of hunting for the highest SPF at the lowest price" "You guys gonna miss me?" " Like you even have to ask!" " Of course we're gonna miss you, crazy!" " Hello!" "Go on, get out!" "'Kay." "See you in a week" "Wow." "She's really gone" "I miss her already" "I'm sad" "New gay bar on 72nd Street!" " Let's go!" " Right behind ya!" " Get down, get down" " Wee, wee!" " Get down, get down" " Ooh, ooh!" "That gift-wrapping room's like the best thing ever" "I don't know how I existed without it" "I was always losing the scissors and spreading the wrapping paper out on the floor like an animal" "Okay-- And exchange" "And open" "Oh, my God!" "Smart Start!" "And milk Always the perfect gift" "It's so much more fun eating breakfast this way" "I know" "Hurry up, we've only got two hours to gift wrap lunch" "Um, sweetheart?" "Yes, bunny?" "I think I'm gonna need my allowance a little early this week" "Well, I thought you were doing well teaching your acting class" "'Twas" "But, um, I had to kick a student out" "Yeah." "Phillip wasn't willing to do what it takes to become a great actor" " He wouldn't make out with you?" " All I wanted was a little Mr. French!" "He got all crazy when I told him" "Started hissing and spraying everywhere" "He even told me he was gonna sic the gay mafia on me" "Right, the gay mafia" "Or as I like to call it really organized crime" "Yeah, what are they gonna do?" "Measure me for concrete sneaker clogs?" "They gonna make you a coiffure you can't refuse?" "I don't get that one" "Hey, Sam Hey, Diane" "Hey, someone's got a little spring in their step" "You just got a bikini wax?" "I don't know People were moving around down there" "I assume something was getting done" "Funny, Jack said the same thing about his last dentist appointment" "Ah..." "listen, kids" "I need your help" "I'm in a little bit of a pickle" "You know how I'm into Aerosmith, right?" " Yeah" " Sure, go ahead" "I went to see 'em play at Madison Square Garden and invited 'em back to my suite at the Palace Hotel to party with me" " Aerosmith?" " No, Madison Square Garden" "Anyhoo" "Some things may have... been set on fire" "A bellboy may have been stripped and shaved" "A young girl may have become a mother" "Bottom line..." "They kicked me out" "And no hotel in New York will have me And I need a place to stay" "Well, you know I'd let you bunk with me but they're gonna be shooting "Sex and the City" in my apartment all week!" "Yeah, in fact, I gotta go baby-proof it" "In case Sarah Jessica brings little James Wilke Jessica Broderick Parker" "So, I guess that leaves" "No, no, no" "No, you cannot stay here" "Why don't you move in with one of your hallucinations?" "All right, okay" "I see what this is gonna take" "Ooh, yeah" "It's good to be bad, isn't it, daddy?" "Karen, I'd ha" " What" "Okay, all right, all right Stop it!" " You can stay here" " Ha!" "But just till we work things out with the Palace" "I don't know if you hypnotized me with those things or what but I'm not afraid of flying anymore" "What time does the gal come by to turn down the bed?" "Karen, this is not a hotel No one will be turning your bed down" "And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't keep filling up my answering machine with complaints about room service" "Well, since you bring it up when I checked in the soaps had all been opened and the shower cap had been used" "Karen" "I am trying to catch up on some work here Okay?" "I've got an SEC filing that's months overdue a product liability case that's going to trial and, most importantly of all the firm's annual potluck dinner is coming up and I don't want three people bringing salads like last year's fiasco" "Okay, okay" "Fine, I'll leave you alone" "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone" "It's not unusual to be loved by..." "Karen!" "Quiet!" "Quiet" "Jeez Louise!" "It's just a little top 40" "Well, if you must do that put the headphones on" "Oh, fun" "If you ever want to be loved by anyone" "It's not unusual, it happens every day" "No matter what you say you see it happens all the" "Where you going?" "I'm just about at the bridge" "I can't believe I sacrificed my gift-wrapping room for you" "And right around the holidays!" "Morning, morning, morning" "Remember we were making those jokes about the gay mafia?" "I think it's for real" "Of course it is" "I'm sure some gay guy's getting whacked as we speak" "This is serious" "I think that guy I kicked out of my acting class sent them after me" "I mean, look at this" "That's awful" "What am I looking at?" "Hello?" "!" "Dry, unmanageable hair" "I just got back from the salon the center of gay culture" "The shampoo boy said he was gonna put conditioner in but I think he just went like this-- Pbllt, pbllt, Nothing" "Well, that's all the proof I need" "And check this out, check this out" ""Sex and the City," supposed to shoot all week in my apartment?" "Then for no reason" "They pulled out" " What does that have to do with anyth" " Do I have to spell it out for you?" ""Sex and the City," HBO, H-O-M-O" "What do I do, Will?" "What do I do?" "!" "Okay, here's the plan" "Call Dorothy, tell her to meet you at the Yellow Brick Road" "When you get to the end of the road you'll see a man" "Ask him for a brain" "Oh, Will, you would have loved this hotel" "They had parasailing and scuba diving" "You could go in a Jeep and scour cave walls for markings made by the indigenous peoples" "Cool" "What did you do?" "There was a bar in the pool" "I swear, swimming any other way than drunk is just stupid" "Oh, and the sunsets Amazing" "I took, like, seven rolls of film just on that" "You know, let's open up a bottle of wine and I'll walk you through 'em" "Hey, you open the wine" "I'll open the oven door and climb in" "Hi, are you alone?" "Did anybody follow you up here?" "Uh, how about "Welcome back from your honeymoon"?" "Yeah, whatever, who cares" "Listen, I got bigger problems, all right?" "The gay mafia's put a hit out on me" "What is a gay hit?" ""It's Raining Men"?" "This is serious!" "They're everywhere They control everything" "Who do you think prevented that 'NSync guy from going into space?" "I gotta go I gotta go" ""It's not unusua-- it's not unusua" "It's not unusua-- it's not unusua" " It's not--"" "Well, this is unusual" "What the hell happened here?" "!" "Karen?" "!" "Grace Adler Designs" "I don't remember giving permission for a party!" "It wasn't a party" "You guys know how I'm into gangsta rap, right?" " Sure, go on" " Yeah" "All I did was invite Ol' Dirty Bastard over to watch Masterpiece Theatre" "And he brought along his whole posse" "And some bomb-ass chronic" "Would you look at this place?" "These cushions are ruined" "There's beer rings all over the coffee table" "Great, they broke my novelty pen from last year's Gay Games" "Now when you turn it, the high-diver's Speedo doesn't come off" "What am supposed to do with this pen now?" " I have a suggestion" " I heard that!" "All right, calm down" "Hey!" "Don't you tell me to calm down!" "Hey, can we please not do this in front of the D-R-U-N-K?" " Can I have my martini now?" " No!" "No dessert!" " Will, she's hungry" " Tough!" "She's gotta learn that there are consequences to her actions!" "So you are gonna sit there, on this couch and look at Grace's honeymoon pictures!" "I hate you!" "Roll one" "My luggage" "Which brings us to roll three" "Getting kicked out of the first class lounge" "Oh" "Hey, Grace Hey, Leo" "Listen, you mind if I talk to your wife alone for a minute?" "You come to Long Island you can talk to her any time you like" "Hey, Karen, what's up with all the luggage?" "Oh, nothing, honey" "I just came by to look at all of your honeymoon pictures" "Okay, now I know something's wrong What happened?" "Honey, I don't wanna live with Will anymore" " Why?" "He has no sense of humor" "He didn't laugh at all when that M-80 went off in his toilet" "Well, he can get like that" "So, what are you gonna do?" "Oh, no problem I'm just gonna move in with you" "Problem!" "Hey" "Look what showed up on my doorstep" "Was she in a basket with a note pinned to her that said" ""Please take care of my baby Love, Lucifer"?" "We've got a problem" "She needs a place to stay" "Well, why can't she stay with you and Leo?" "Come on, we're newlyweds" "We wanna be able to have sex without someone in the background giggling" "Honey, I won't giggle if you don't make that face you make" "Will, come on" "Come on, she's in a really bad way" " You have to take her" " I don't want her" "Neither do I" "What are we gonna do?" "We can't just drive her out to the country and release her back into the wild" "Or can't we?" "Just think about it" "We can lure her into a cage with a Vicodin tied to the end of a little piece of string" "If her friends ask, we just say" ""We took her to farm where she can run free and have waiters fired."" "Come on, let's get serious Where's she gonna go?" "Where did she go?" "This is crazy" "We're not gonna find Karen She could be anywhere" "She's got four fake passports and a map of the underworld" "We've gotta keep looking for her" "She's out there all alone" "The city's full of criminals and murderers." "She could... hurt one of them" "Maybe we should call the police" "No." "No cops" "But she's in a bad place We can't find her" "I said no cops!" "I'm gonna go ask around see if anyone's seen her" "Keep it on the down-low" "Come on Let's get a drink" "Make it a double" "We wanna catch Karen we'd better drink like her" "Could you pass those nuts?" "No problem" "Jack?" "Sorry, nope" " Jack, we know it's you" " No, it is not me!" "My name is Claude Remains" "I have dark glasses I'm from Indiana" "Look, I have a mustache" " Not anymore" " Get--!" "Wh--!" "Hey!" "I can't believe you just did that!" "Just hand me over to the gay mafia the homo nostra, Don Queerleone" "So that's what this is about?" "You're hiding?" "Yes, Toby's meeting me here" "He borrowed his mother's Caprice and he's gonna smuggle me to Oklahoma" " You're going to Oklahoma?" " Yes." "The matinee" "We're heading out We'll see you later?" "No, they're after me" "Enough of that crap!" "No one's after you It's all in your head" "Your fish, sir" "But I didn't order" "Oh, my god!" "It's a message It's a message" "I'm a dead man!" "I'm gonna sleep with the fishes!" "But it's the gay mafia so I'm gonna sleep with trout almandine drizzled with lemon and capers!" "I don't know where else to look for her" "We checked the Gun Club the FDA testing center" "Bill Clinton's office in Harlem-- She's nowhere" " Was he checking me out?" " No, Grace" "Oh, my God" "Look" "Karen?" "What are you doing?" "Nothing, just shooting the breeze with these three Rosarios" "Now leave me alone" "Look, we're really sorry" "I know we said some pretty harsh things" "We forget sometimes that you have human feelings" "You do, right?" "You know, you could be a little more sensitive" "This divorce hasn't exactly been easy for me" "I know." "You and Stan were together a long time" "What?" "Stan?" "Who said anything about One Ton Phooey?" "Yours is the divorce I'm upset about" "What?" "You two split up without even a thought as to how it would affect me" "Hey, I know she's no prize" "And I know she's no prize, either" "But couldn't you two have stayed together for my sake?" "Karen..." "What?" "Don't you get it?" "It was always me, you, and Will" "It was?" "As long as you were together I felt safe, taken care of, special" "I just don't know where I fit in anymore" "Karen" "No matter what happens between us nothing could ever change" "the way we feel about you" "Really?" "Of course, Karen We love..." "The way we feel about you" "So we're a family again?" " As much as we ever were" " Oh!" "So we're clear on this, right?" "You understand there is no gay mafia?" "There is no network of waiters and florists and cabaret singers who carry out the commands of some shadowy don" "Or, in this case eye-shadowy don" "Yeah, okay" "Yeah, whatever Yeah." "It's no big deal" "Doesn't matter, anyway" "I let Phillip back in my class because he is a talented actor and is under no obligation to make out with me" "Did you hear that?" "Phillip's back in, pass it on" "Jack!" "Enough!" "There is no gay mafia It does not exist" "I do not know this man!" "We are not here together" "After you pay the check-- Leave me alone!" "Gay mafia I'm surrounded by idiots" "Oh, man!" " My new Gucci suit!" " Sorry, sir" "Hey, it's not funny" "It's a little bit funny" "Oh, my God." "You're" "You're... you" "That's right and next time it'll be red wine" "A word of advice, Will" "Don't dismiss things you know nothing about" "And don't walk in ten-inch heels-- It's hell on the ankles" "What are you talking about?" "There is no such thing" "Isn't there?" "Well, even if there was it's not like they control the" "Don't they?" "Come on" " It's not like you're the" " Aren't I?" "Listen, Will" "You're a smart boy" "You've got a good face" " A flat stomach" " Hmm" "I'd hate to see you banned from every gym in America" "And what?" "End up in a Fitness Protection Program?" "Don't joke It's real" "So watch yourself, Will" "'Cause we're watching you" "One wrong move, and this bitch will be back" "Could you give me $2.00 for the coat check girl?" "Sure" "Okay, I'll ask her" "I'm on with the manager of the Palace Hotel" "They're willing to take you back as long as you're willing to return the concierge's prosthetic leg" "No!" "I won that leg fair and square" "Besides, I need it to hit the snooze button in the morning" "Why don't you just sleep on the other side of the bed?" "Hey!" "All right" "Oh." "But..." "Um... tell him two of the toes broke off"