"Geoffrey, have you seen Will?" "Master William sits in his room sadly staring out of the window, madam... quiet as a church mouse." "Hasn't spoken a word for hours." "What a shame." "Poor homesick baby." "I have an idea." "If Will is that homesick, let's send him home." "All he's been talking about is Philadelphia." "I hope these Philadelphia cheese steaks cheer him up." "I don't know what you and Will see in those vile concoctions." "Which is why you only ate five of them?" "Will, we know you're homesick, so we got you something to cheer you up." "Thanks." "Oh, thanks a lot." "What is it?" "It's a sandwich composed of cheese, steak, and a croissant de boulanger... from the Café Antoinette in Beverly Hills." "It's a Philadelphia cheese steak, Will." "Nice try, Uncle Phil, but this is not a Philadelphia cheese steak." "See, look at the bag." "No grease stain." "If this were authentic, you could see right through the bag by now." "I'm sorry you don't like it." "I'll dispose of it later." " I'll throw it out." " I'll dispose of it, Ashley." "You know where you get the best cheese steaks in Philly?" "Pat's Steaks on Passyunk Avenue." "Me and my buddy Ice Tray used to go there every Friday." "We used to steal..." "I mean, we would enjoy them there often." "Ice Tray?" "Isn't he the one you're always talking about?" "Did I ever tell you about the story in the middle of the winter?" "Ice Tray grabbed onto the back of a bus and it was so cold, his face got stuck." "And he was dragged around the city." "He couldn't get off till he hit a bump on the Ben Franklin Bridge." "That's a story we can all relate to." "Cut it out, Philip." "He misses his friend." "Ice Tray's more like my big brother, though." "I've got a good idea." "Why don't we fly him out for a weekend visit?" "You mean it, Aunt Viv?" "I'm down with that." "Word up." "This is gonna be cold stupid on the serious tip." "What did you say, young lady?" "I said that this is quite an exceptional idea, Daddy." "Peachy-keen, even." "Later, my man." "Wonderful." "First Will, now Ashley." "I can't wait till Ice Box gets here." "No, it's Ice Tray, Uncle Phil." "Ice Tray." "I apologize." "Ice Box would be an idiotic name." "Yeah, it would." "Aunt Viv, this is going to be great." "I can't wait to show him all the strange sights of L.A." "I don't even know where to begin." "I'll take him to Disneyland, to Marineland..." " Dad, I need $200." " I'll take him to Hilaryland." " Why do you need $200, Hilary?" " For books." "I'm changing my major." " To what?" " Communications." "Exactly what does that entail?" "You know, it's like communications." "It's, like, the study of communicating, okay?" " Why do you want to major in that?" " Because I'm good at it." "So I presume this is the official Ice Tray greeting party." " Tray!" " Prince!" "Homey, get in there." "Guys, you're going to hurt each other." "That's okay, Vivian." "Let's see where this goes." "Ice Tray, we didn't hear you come in." "Geoffrey, did you leave the door open?" " Well, no." " I guess we must have left it unlocked." ""Well, no."" "You still got it, man." "Hi, I'm Vivian, Will's aunt." "Will, why don't you introduce Ice Tray to your family?" "I'm sorry." "This is my little cousin Ashley." " Hi." " This is my bodyguard, Geoffrey." "All of this is my Uncle Phil." "Remember we used to say that Daffy Duck must have a little brother somewhere?" "Meet my cousin Carlton." "Can't touch this." "Geoffrey, would you take Ice Tray's luggage to his room?" "Certainly, madam." "So you're also a disadvantaged inner-city youth, I hear." " Yo, man, what's with him?" " It's a tan." " What up on the schoolyard?" " School, man." " I don't bother it, and it don't bother me." " You don't go to school, Ice Tray?" "Sure I do." "I've been held back in the 10th grade three times in a row." "Three times?" "See, my motto is, when I find a grade I like, I stick with it." "Education is the mortar that builds the temple of success." " That's what I personally think." " Like who cares?" "What's up with Smooth, Jocko, and O-Money?" "Smooth and Jocko got their own singing group now." "And O-Money got his hair cut to look like the Chrysler Building." "That's good, though, man." "That Mount Rushmore thing was not working." "This is dope, man." "I'll just kick back here for a few days, let somebody else do all the work." "Excuse me, young man." "In this house, everyone carries his own weight." "Too easy." "Come on, Daddy." "Tray's on vacation." "See, my motto is..." "Lord, if there's anything like work around my heart, please remove it." "I smell something greasy." "Too easy." "A cheese steak!" "This is the real deal." "Yo, man." "Could I get $100?" " For what?" " To pay the limo dude." "You took a limo?" "Prince said y'all was loaded, and when in Rome, do as." " $100?" " I got a cash flow problem." "You see, my Korean Gucci bags, they just ain't been moving lately." "Tray, let's pay the dude." "What's up with the Blake sisters, they still live on 43rd St.?" "Yeah, man, they got their own 900 number now." "He's some piece of work." "We're getting a rottweiler." "I know he seems rough around the edges but we should all give him a chance." "When you really look at it, how different is Ice Tray from Carlton?" "With all due respect, Mom, I think he's a little fonder of the 10th grade than I." "Hold up." "What about that one girl you went out with... that Latiqua?" "Man, that girl was ugly." " Ugly?" "You crazy, man." " She was so ugly, she was oogly." "She was so ugly, Freddy Krueger had nightmares about her." "At least she was smart." " That girl you was with..." " Stacy." "That girl was so dumb, it took her an hour to cook Minute Rice." "Wait a minute." "Let's talk about skinny girls." " Who's skinny?" " That Julie you went out with?" "She was so skinny, you could tie a rope around her head... and use her like a tetherball pole." "Hold it." "Back to Stacy." "Stacy was so dumb." "Do you know how dumb Stacy was?" " How dumb was Stacy?" " Stacy was so dumb... that she took the Pepsi Challenge and chose Jif." "This is dope, man." "Look at this." "Crystal, china dolls, a book." "You know people are rich when they got all this stuff they got no use for." "Crime and Punishment." "That's just some tired old book Carlton's reading." "Really? "From the library of Master William Smith."" "Who's tired now, homey?" "They're forcing us to read that at school." "I ain't gonna read it." "Wait." "This is your handwriting." ""Intriguing duality?"" "Same old Prince, man." "When I first met you, you was carrying books in a pizza box... so nobody knew you were studying." "That was cool, till them guys jumped me, trying to steal my pizza." "Yo, they was upset." "You got a good deal here, homey." "Don't blow it." " I'll go grab us some cheese steaks." " All right." "Hi." "Hi." "Vivian, I think you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion." "Tell me the story again." "And this time, just the facts." "I'll give you a transcript, Philip." "Tray: "Hi." Hilary: "Hi."" "I don't get it." "What could she possibly see in him?" "He's got a nice smile, and cool hair." "Hair?" "I thought it was a hat." "I think I should have gotten a larger tattoo, Tray." "Tattoo?" " I got a tattoo of Tray's initials." " Where?" "Don't worry, Mrs. Banks." "No one will ever see it." "I'm gonna go put this stuff up in my bedroom." " I'll go with you." " So will I." "Aunt Viv, you got to be proud of yourself." "Pride doesn't quite capture it, Will." "It was your idea to bring Tray out here." "Hilary used to walk around all the time with such a sour look on her face." "I used to say to myself, she just needs one good friend." "He does seem like an interesting young man." "You've only seen one side of him." "He's joking around, but he can be serious." "Really?" "Seriously." "If somebody's chasing him, he can jack a fence like that." "But if somebody catch him, it don't matter." "The boy got a crazy rabbit punch, like you don't even see it coming." "You out of there." "Let's go check out that swimming pool, Prince." " See you later, babe." " Okay, Icy." "It's nice to see you and Ice Tray getting along." "I'm sorry he couldn't stay longer." "Don't worry, I've got it all figured out." "He can come visit every other weekend." "When the 10th grade lets out, he can come stay in the pool house." "Daddy can get him a job at the office." "What job could he have in the law firm?" "I don't know." "Lawyer?" "Anyways, Mom, don't worry." "This is our problem, not yours." "The only thing I want to say is thank you." "For what?" "You, like, saw right past his rough-tough exterior... and you welcomed him into our home." "I'm so proud of you, Mom." "I just want to share my joy with you." "I haven't been this happy since I bought my Giorgio Armani suit." "This is serious." "Hilary wants him to live in our pool house." "That shouldn't matter to you, Vivian." "You're the one who invited Ashtray." "In fact, why don't we invite some more of Will's friends out?" "Let's just put a big neon sign out in front of the house that says "Homeboy Hotel."" "That's it." "I want him out of this house." "You're making the classic mistake." "Don't you know that?" "I have the perfect solution for dealing with Mr. Ice Pick." " You do?" " My street savvy... should not be taken lightly." " She's rebelling against us." " So?" "So any hostility will only drive her closer to him." "We have to embrace him, welcome him into the family... take him out for a nice meal, smother him with acceptance." "Once the element of rebellion is gone, the relationship will lose its appeal." " What if that doesn't work?" " It'll work." "You two make such a lovely, lovely couple." "Dad, has Mom been drinking?" "Nonsense, Carlton." "She's just being polite to our lovely houseguest." "Have you been drinking?" "Tray, check this." " That's dope, man." " Let me see." "Nice catch, lady." "Oh, God, Tray, you are so funny." "Isn't he funny, everyone?" "Not to me." "Of course, I'm sober." "I think escargots all around for starters." " Snails." " Oh, no." "I don't eat nothing that leaves a trail." "God, Tray, you slay me." "He busts me up." "Before we get started, I'd like to propose a toast." "Tray, since this is your last night here..." "Vivian and I would just like to say that we're both extremely happy... that Hilary's found that special someone, that special love." "I can just see Hilary and Tray in their tiny little love nest in Philadelphia... with the pitter-patter of five little Ice Cubes." "Hilary changing diapers and preparing a lovely meal... while her loving husband is working his night job on the corner... as a Korean Gucci bag representative." "Hilary, this is for those wonderful years in Philadelphia." "I guess I'll be driving home tonight." "I am so happy." "Dad, are you saying that you wouldn't mind... if Tray and I, like, got married?" "Mind?" " Did you hear that, Vivian?" " Mind?" "That's good, because Hilary and I got married this afternoon." "Hilary, no!" "How could you do this to us?" "How could you be so stupid?" "Do you realize you've gone and ruined your life?" "This boy doesn't care..." "Mom, take it down 1,000." "It's only a joke." "We didn't get married." "We just wanted to see what you'd do." "See, baby, I told you they'd flip." "Homey, order me three steaks and a salad." "Come on, baby." "Let's dance." "Got married." "Sir, Master Tray's all packed and ready to depart." "Excellent, Geoffrey." "Let's afford him everything we can in getting him on his way." "Shall I call for a car, sir, or just shoot him out of a cannon?" "So, that really is a wonderful restaurant, isn't it?" "Yeah." "I think everybody had a good time, don't you?" "I really enjoyed meeting Ice Tray this weekend." "Any time you want to invite any of your other friends, just let us know." " You enjoyed it?" " Yeah, a lot." "Wasn't Hilary falling in love with Tray just the icing on the cake?" " I'm glad they had fun together." " Me, too." "It's just a shame he had to leave before he had a chance to ruin her life." " I'm sorry I said that, it's just that..." " But you meant it." "It was cool as long as Tray was some clown to come out here... and bring me some cheese steaks and cheer me up." "Hold on." "The second you found out Hilary liked him, you wanted him out." "That's something I'd expect from Uncle Phil, not from you, Aunt Viv." " Hilary is my daughter, Will." " And Tray is my best friend." "We grew up together." "We're from the same neighborhood." "We're the same person." "If Tray's not good enough for this family, then maybe I'm not." " You are not the same person." " I know who I am." "No, you listen to me." "I can see why you like Ice Tray." "He's a lot of fun." "Everything's a joke to him." "School, work, people." "He doesn't care about anything." "He always managed to care about me." "I'm glad he's a good friend, but that doesn't change who he is." "I'm sorry, but a young man his age should be able to do something else... besides fight and jump fences." " You weren't there." " I know, but still..." "When I was in seventh grade, trying to bring books home from school... the kids would jump me, so Tray started walking me home." "If he hadn't been there to throw those punches and help me jump fences... then maybe I wouldn't be here." "While he was busy protecting your books, where the hell were his?" "What's that got to do with anything?" "I'm glad he cared so much about you." "But why doesn't he care as much about himself?" "Because nobody was there for Tray." "If he hadn't been there to cover my back, maybe I wouldn't care about myself either." "And that would be an awful waste." "I shall load Mr. Tray's belongings into the cannon." "I mean cab, madam." "We miss you in the 'hood, homeboy." "Why don't you come on back with me?" "No, I better cool out here, man." "If Uncle Phil woke up and I wasn't here, he'd have a nervous breakdown." "I'd recover, Will." "I'm really going to miss you, Ice Tray." "Bye, Mrs. Banks." "Thanks for inviting me." "We gotta do this again." "Have a safe trip back." "Take care of yourself." "Thanks." "Snap." "I almost forgot." "I got a little something for y'all." " That's our china dog." " Yeah." "I figured y'all were so nice to me and everything that I don't need it." "That was a joke." "You've become a part of my spirit that's never been touched before." "I feel a oneness with you, and now that you're leaving I just... have this sense that life will be empty, hollow, and meaningless." "Peep this, babe." "See, I have this first-class ticket." "We could go down to the airport and trade it for two coach tickets... and you could come back to Philly with me." "What do you think?" "Coach?"