" HOT IN CLEVELAND IS RECORDED" "IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE." " YOUR WEDDING DAY" "IS AN OCCASION OF GREAT JOY." "NOTHING GIVES MORE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE" "THAN A YOUNG BRIDE WALKING DOWN THE AISLE" "WITH THE BLUSH OF INNOCENCE ON HER CHEEK," "JOINING HANDS WITH THE GROOM," "EAGER AND NERVOUS," "BARELY MORE THAN A BOY HIMSELF." "YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA CALL A TIME-OUT RIGHT NOW." "I REALIZE THAT YOU WANTED ME TO TALK TO YOU" "LIKE ANY YOUNG COUPLE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED," "BUT GIVEN YOUR..." ""LIFE EXPERIENCE,"" "MAYBE WE CAN SKIP OVER A FEW THINGS." " NO, WE WANT YOU TO GO COMPLETELY BY THE BOOKS." " WE WANT THIS TO FEEL LIKE THE FIRST TIME." "PLEASE CONTINUE." " OKAY." "WELL, THE NEXT THING I USUALLY DISCUSS" "IS THE WEDDING NIGHT." "YOU KNOW, FAMILY PLANNING AND SUCH." "YOU GOT ANY QUESTIONS THERE?" " NO." "WE'RE GOOD IN THAT AREA." " ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHAT KIND OF CEREMONY" "DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?" " UH, SOMETHING SIMPLE, TASTEFUL." " I HAD A THOUGHT" " OOH, NO, YOU DIDN'T." "NO, UH..." "I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE ADVICE" "I GIVE ALL GROOMS" "WHEN IT COMES TO WEDDING PLANNING." "GO LIMP." "NOT ONE PART OF THIS DAY IS ABOUT YOU." " ALL I WAS TRYING TO SAY" " OKAY, SEE," "THERE'S THAT WORD "I" AGAIN." "THAT'S GONNA CAUSE YOU NOTHING BUT TROUBLE." "AND WHATEVER YOU DO, WHEN SPEAKING TO YOUR BRIDE," "NEVER USE THE WORD "RELAX"" "OR REFER TO ANYTHING AS BEING "NOT THAT BIG A DEAL."" " BUT THE MUSIC" " OKAY." "BUT, YOU SEE, FRED," "REALLY, COME ON NOW." "YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE PART OF YOUR MIND" "THAT MAKES JUDGMENTS," "THAT THINKS THAT, "OH, THIS IS DUMB"" "OR "THAT'S UNNECESSARY"?" "I WANT YOU TO TURN THAT OFF RIGHT NOW." "JUST SHUT YOUR BRAIN DOWN" "AND DO WHAT YOUR WOMAN SAYS." "AND BY THE WAY," "THAT IS ALSO MY ADVICE FOR THE MARRIAGE." " WE PICKED THE RIGHT MINISTER." " OH, I'M SO EXCITED!" "WE GET TO HAVE A WEDDING!" " WELL, MY FAVORITE WEDDING WAS DEFINITELY MY THIRD." " YOU MEAN TO YOUR GAY HUSBAND?" " WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS AT THE TIME." "OH, HE JUST TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING." "HE DESIGNED THE DRESS, AND THE CAKE," "AND THE FLOWERS, AND..." "HE DID MY HAIR AND MAKEUP, AND HE WOULDN'T REST" "UNTIL HE FOUND THE RIGHT PAIR OF HEELS." " AND YET YOU HAD NO CLUE" "THERE MIGHT BE PROBLEMS IN THE ACTUAL MARRIAGE." " WELL, WHAT AM I?" "A DETECTIVE?" "NO, I MEAN, I SUPPOSE I MIGHT'VE BEEN TIPPED OFF" "BY THE FACT THAT HIS BACHELOR PARTY" "WAS JUST A QUIET DINNER WITH HIS BEST MAN." "IN SAN FRANCISCO." "FOR AN ENTIRE WEEKEND." "[clears throat]" " OOH, HERE'S THE BLUSHING BRIDE NOW!" "DID YOU BRING US YOUR WEDDING ALBUM?" " THIS IS IT." " WHAT?" "ONE PICTURE?" " OH, ELKA, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" " OH!" " I WAS MISS TEEN POTATO." "IN POLAND, THAT'S AS GOOD AS IT GETS." " OH, WELL, LOOK AT THAT FRESH FACE AND THAT HAIR." "AND, OH, THAT TINY LITTLE WAIST." " AND I'LL SAY IT-- NICE RACK!" " [laughs]" " YOU LOOK LIKE A TEENAGER." " I WAS A TEENAGER." " OH, AND WERE YOU A VIRGIN ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT?" " YOU DON'T GET TO BE MISS TEEN POTATO" "WITHOUT PEELING A FEW SKINS." " WELL, ELKA, WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU." "AS OUR WEDDING GIFT TO YOU," "WE WOULD LIKE TO PLAN AND PAY FOR EVERYTHING." " MM-HMM." " OH, THAT'S NOT NECESSARY." "I JUST WANT SOMETHING SIMPLE." " WELL, WE CAN TOTALLY DO SIMPLE!" "YOU KNOW, I HEAR THAT UNDER 200 GUESTS" "IS VERY CHIC RIGHT NOW." " MM-HMM." " SO WE COULD GET AWAY WITH TWO TENTS." " CHAMBER INSTEAD OF A FULL ORCHESTRA." " MAYBE JUST THREE HORSES FOR THE CARRIAGE." " OH, WAIT." "ALL I WANT ARE A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS" "AS I EXCHANGE VOWS BEFORE GOD" "WITH THE MAN I ADORE." " WELL, THAT'S JUST SAD." " YOU JUST NEED TO DO SOME RESEARCH." "WE'VE GOT BRIDE MAGAZINES," "AND THERE'S A TON OF WEDDING SHOWS" "YOU CAN DOWNLOAD." " YEAH, YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE" "THAT EVERY DETAIL IS PERFECT." "REMEMBER, ALL EYES WILL BE ON YOU." " THAT'S TRUE." "THIS WAS A LONG TIME AGO." "[doorbell rings]" " OH, GOOD!" "IT'S HERE." " WHAT IS?" " WHAT'S GOING TO HELP US PAY FOR THIS WEDDING AND MORE." " OH, ALL RIGHT." "WELL, HERE, START STUDYING." " THANK YOU." "OKAY, YOU REMEMBER WHEN I DID THAT COMMERCIAL" "FOR MRS. LADYPANTS?" " OH, YEAH, YOUR DIAPER PANTS." " THEY WEREN'T DIAPERS." "THEY ARE ACTIVEWEAR SLACKS." " THAT YOU PEE IN." "[laughter]" " LOOK, THEY DIDN'T AIR ANY OF THOSE COMMERCIALS IN AMERICA," "AND THEY'RE PAYING ME A BUNDLE TO TRY THEIR NEWEST PRODUCT." ""DEAR CHASE VICTORIA," ""MILLION OF WOMEN TRUST MRS. LADYPANTS," ""NUMBER ONE FOR FRESHNESS OF CROTCH." ""NOW CROTCH-FRESH FEELINGS CAN WHISPER ALL OVER" ""WITH MRS. LADYPANTS FOR BODY." ""FEED YOUR GARBAGE DAILY" "WITH OUR SINGLE-USE FRESHNESS JUMPSUITS."" " SO THEY'RE DISPOSABLE DIAPER CLOTHES?" " NO." "THEY ARE EXPERIMENTAL PROTOTYPES." "I'M SUPPOSED TO WEAR THEM DAY AND NIGHT" "FOR THE NEXT WEEK." "UH, "YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH HAPPY" ""YOU WILL MAKE WATER IN YOUR CLOTHES." ""NO PROBLEM FOR CHASE VICTORIA," ""THE FACE OF INCONTINENCE," "AND NOW SWEATING."" "[laughter]" " AAH!" " JOY, GET UP!" "NOW!" " ELKA, WHAT IS IT?" " YOU WERE RIGHT!" "MY WEDDING NEEDS TO BE BIG!" "YOU'RE MY WEDDING PLANNER!" " WHY ME?" " BECAUSE MELANIE'S TOO NICE," "AND VICTORIA'S TOO CRAZY." "YOU'VE GOT JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF BITCH" "TO GET THE JOB DONE." " OH, I'M FLATTERED THAT YOU CHOSE ME." "I KNOW WE'VE NEVER BEEN CLOSE, BUT" " THIS IS NOT A SWEET MOMENT!" "GET YOUR BONY ASS OUT OF BED!" " WOW!" "YOU'RE UP EARLY." " OH, LORD, WAIT TILL I TELL YOU." "[rustling]" "WHAT'S THAT NOISE?" " OH, I HOPE THERE'S NOT AN ANIMAL IN THE WALLS." "[rustling]" " [hoarsely] MORNING." " ARE YOU OKAY?" " UGH." "THIS SUIT SEEMS TO BE JUST SUCKING" "ALL THE MOISTURE OUT OF ME." "JUST SO DRY." "SO..." "[clears throat]" "WHAT'S ALL THIS?" " OH, YOUR WEDDING ASSIGNMENTS." "FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS, ELKA'S DONE NOTHING" "BUT STUDY MAGAZINES, AND BOOKS," "AND WATCH CABLE SHOWS" "BRIDEZILLAS, BRIDE WARS, BRIDALPLASTY" " BRIDALPLASTY?" "WHAT'S THAT?" " IT'S THIS RIDICULOUS SHOW" "WHERE WOMEN GET PLASTIC SURGERY BEFORE THEIR WEDDINGS." " AND?" "I AM MISSING THE TWIST." " LAST NIGHT, ELKA WOKE ME UP AT 3:00 A.M." "TO ANNOUNCE THAT I WAS HER WEDDING PLANNER." "AND YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE MOOD SWINGS." "I'M AFRAID WE'VE CREATED A BIT OF A MONSTER." " OH, WELL, NOW, YOU AND ELKA NEVER SEE EYE TO EYE." "I'M SURE SHE'LL BE FINE." " I GOT A SPRAY TAN." " YES, WE CAN SEE THAT." "[chuckles] WHY?" " ALL THE BRIDES DO IT." "WHAT DO YOU THINK?" "NOW, BE HONEST." " WELL" " YOU DON'T LIKE IT." "MY WEDDING'S RUINED!" " NO, NO, NO, NO." "WE--WE LOVE IT A LOT." " YOU LOOK VERY TROPICAL." " OH, NO!" "I LOOK LIKE A [bleep] OOMPA-LOOMPA!" " ELKA!" " DON'T YOU WATCH BRIDAL SHOWS?" "THAT'S HOW WE ALL TALK." " ALSO, BRIDE HAS REQUESTED" "THAT WE DO A CHOREOGRAPHED AISLE WALK." " I WANT IT TO GO VIRAL." " NOW, ELKA" " GET..." "IT..." "DONE." " SHE'S ALSO BECOME A FAN OF TURNING EVERYTHING" "INTO A STRING OF ONE-WORD SENTENCES." " ALL..." "BRIDES... [quickly] DO IT." " WELCOME TO BRIDEZELKA." " CRAP." "CRAP." "CRAP." "I NEED ROSIER ROSES." "WRITE IT DOWN." " I'LL REMEMBER." " WRITE..." "IT..." "DOWN." "[doorbell rings]" " HELLO, FRED." " HI." " HI, GROOM." " HI, BRIDE!" " YOU'RE LATE." " I'M SORRY." "I WAS, UH, DELAYED," "ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS." "DO WE HAVE TO WEAR THIS ALL THE TIME?" " [crying] I DIDN'T REALIZE" "THAT DOING THE LEAST LITTLE THING FOR ME" "WAS SUCH A CHORE." " PLEASE DON'T CRY." "I'M HAPPY TO WEAR IT." " OH." " WHOA!" "WHOA, WHAT'S ALL THIS?" "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO "SIMPLE"?" " BRIDE HAS DECIDED" "SHE'D LIKE SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE ELABORATE." " MMM." "THIS RED VELVET IS HEAVEN!" " YEAH, IF HEAVEN IS THREE LAYERS OF CRAP" "WITH CRAP IN BETWEEN." " O-KAY... [instant messenger chimes]" " OH, IT'S MELANIE AND VICTORIA SKYPING US" "FROM THE BRIDAL SHOP." "IT'S THE ANNUAL RUNNING OF THE DRESS." " WHAT'S THAT?" " IT'S THIS HUGE SALE" "WHERE HUNDREDS OF BRIDES COMPETE" "TO GRAB TOP DESIGNER WEDDING GOWNS." "THE DRESS BRIDE WANTS IS THERE." " I SAW IT IN A BRIDAL MAGAZINE." "I WANNA FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS." " YES, BUT ALL THAT TROUBLE OVER ONE DRESS SOUNDS..." " SOUNDS WHAT?" "WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE?" "COME ON, OPEN YOUR CAKEHOLE AND TELL ME." " NOTHING, PRINCESS." " OH, HI!" "MELANIE AND VICTORIA, WE CAN SEE YOU!" " THESE WOMEN ARE CRAZY!" " WE GOT YOUR DRESS!" " OOH, IT'S PERFECT!" "MELANIE, SWEETIE, TRY IT ON." " BUT THERE'S NO DRESSING ROOMS!" " TRY IT ON." "[women speaking indistinctly]" "MAY I HELP YOU?" " IN THIS SECOND COUNSELING SESSION," "I USUALLY ANSWER ANY ADDITIONAL QUESTIONS" "THAT MAY'VE COME UP." "BUT FIRST I HAVE A QUESTION." "WHO ARE YOU?" " OH." "JOY SCROGGS." "I'M THE BRIDE'S PROXY." "YOU SEE, NONE OF THE CAKE DECORATORS" "IN CLEVELAND MET HER STANDARDS," "SO SHE'S SPENDING THE DAY IN CHICAGO." " MM." "IS THAT A BRUISE?" " UGH, IT'S JUST A REJECTED BOUQUET." " SHE THREW IT AT YOU?" " OUR OFFICIAL POSITION" "IS THAT I FAILED TO DUCK PROPERLY." " IT'S LIKE I WAS SAYING ON THE PHONE, REVEREND." "I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COME OVER ELKA." "SHE'S LOST HER MIND." "[phone chimes]" " OH." "IT'S A TEXT FROM BRIDE." ""WHAT IS FRED SAYING ABOUT ME?"" " I KNOW YOU SAID TO GO LIMP, REVEREND," "BUT SHOULDN'T I BE HONEST?" " UH, THAT DEPENDS ON HOW LONG YOU WANNA BE MARRIED." " TELL HER I WORSHIP THE GROUND SHE WALKS ON." " AND ADD A COMPLIMENT ABOUT HER HAIR." " I CAN'T SEE HER HAIR." " OH, THAT DON'T MATTER." "WOMEN JUST LIKE SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE" "SAYING SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEIR HAIR" "AT ALL TIMES." "BY THE WAY, YOURS LOOKS LOVELY." " OH!" "THANK YOU SO MUCH." "[chuckles]" "HEY!" "I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU!" " WOW!" "ELKA TOLD ME YOU WERE A TRAMP!" "HE'S A MINISTER!" " FRED, I WASN'T ALWAYS A MINISTER." "UH, I WAS A SINGER BEFORE I GOT MY CALLING." "I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU WAS A RECORD I MADE." " * OOH, BABY, IT'S TIME TO LOCK THE DOOR *" " * YOU KNOW I WANNA SEE THAT CLOTHING HIT THE FLOOR * both: * OOH-OOH, OOH, OOH *" "* BAH-BAH, BAH, BAH-BAH, BAH *" "* I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU * both: [laugh]" " MY FRIEND MELANIE LOST HER VIRGINITY TO YOU." " OH, YEAH, I GET THAT A LOT." "[laughs]" " HOW DOES YOUR CONGREGATION FEEL ABOUT THAT SONG?" " WELL, I GET VARIED REACTIONS." "IT'S AN ISSUE." "[phone chimes]" " OH." "IT'S ELKA AGAIN." "NEW WEDDING THEME" "ROBIN HOOD AND MAID MARIAN." " I GOTTA WEAR TIGHTS NOW?" " I'M SURE YOU'VE GOT THE LEGS TO PULL IT OFF." " THIS IS IT." "I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE." " REVEREND, SAY SOMETHING." " I--I DON'T KNOW." "I'M WORRIED ABOUT BEING FRIAR TUCK." " THE WEDDING IS OFF." " FRED!" "WHAT AM I GONNA DO?" "ELKA'S GONNA BE FURIOUS!" " WELL, I SUGGEST YOU TURN THE OTHER CHEEK." "THAT WAY THE BRUISES WILL MATCH UP." " I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" "I DELEGATE ONE THING, AND YOU SCREW IT UP!" "WHERE'S MY HURLING BOUQUET?" " I'LL GET IT." " WAIT, WHAT-- WHAT'S THIS?" " IT'S FRED'S JACKET." "HE DROPPED IT OFF." " [crying] OH, FRED." "I RUINED EVERYTHING!" " OH, ELKA." "ELKA, THIS NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENED" "IF WE HADN'T TALKED YOU INTO HAVING A BIG WEDDING." " NO." "I BLEW IT!" "THERE'S NO FOOL LIKE AN OLD FOOL!" " [extremely hoarsely] THIS IS SO SAD." "DO YOU THINK THE WEDDING'S REALLY OFF?" " NO." "NO, IT IS NOT OFF." "I HAVE PUT UP WITH TOO MUCH ABUSE," "AND FOUL LANGUAGE, AND BOUQUET GRENADES" "TO GIVE UP NOW." "THE PROBLEM IS," "FRED IS ONLY SEEING THE LABOR PAINS." "WE ARE GONNA SHOW HIM THE BABY." " [over P.A.] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," "WE GIVE YOU YOUR WEDDING PARTY!" "[dance music plays]" "* *" " THAT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE, BUT" " WAIT, WAIT, WAIT." "BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING MORE," "THE REASON WE SHOWED YOU THIS" "WAS SO THAT YOU COULD SEE WHAT A SPECTACULAR DAY" "ELKA WAS TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER FOR YOU." " I MEAN, LOOK HOW MUCH FUN IT'S GONNA BE." "THE AISLE WALK, THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING." "[rustling]" " I DON'T WANNA RUIN THE MOMENT HERE OR ANYTHING," "BUT ARE YOU ABOUT TO EXPLODE?" " [hoarsely] OH..." "IT'S THE SWEAT FROM ALL THE DANCING." "BUT I MIGHT NEED SOMEBODY TO CUT ME OUT OF THIS" "WHEN WE'RE DONE." " ELKA WAS JUST ACTING THE WAY SHE WAS" "BECAUSE SHE WANTS YOUR SPECIAL DAY" "TO BE PERFECT." " THAT'S NOT THE REASON!" " WHO SAID THAT?" " I DID." " ELKA?" " ELKA, WE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE." " SO, ELKA, WHAT IS THE REASON?" " THE FIRST TIME I GOT MARRIED," "I WAS 19." "AT THAT AGE, I DIDN'T EVEN NEED A BOUQUET." "I WAS THE FLOWER." " [laughs] WELL, ELKA" " GO LIMP." "[clears throat]" " THEN I STARTED READING ALL THOSE BRIDAL MAGAZINES." " WHICH WAS TOTALLY OUR FAULT." " [sighs]" "THEY WERE ALL SO YOUNG, AS BRIDES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE." "AS I WAS." "I DIDN'T WANT YOU LOOKING DOWN THE AISLE" "AND BEING DISAPPOINTED." " OH, ELKA!" " OH, I THOUGHT ALL THE HOOPLA WOULD DISTRACT YOU." "I WAS SCARED." "I AM SCARED." " BUT THAT'S JUST" "I HAVE A FEELING THE NEXT WORDS I SAY ARE VERY IMPORTANT," "AND I DON'T WANNA MESS IT UP." "CAN I HAVE A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE?" " LOOK, ELKA," "YOU KNOW, I MARRY YOUNG PEOPLE ALL THE TIME," "BUT I WORRY ABOUT THEM." "I EVEN TRY TO SLOW DOWN ON CERTAIN VOWS" ""FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,"" ""FORSAKING ALL OTHERS,"" ""IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH"" "JUST HOPING THEY REALLY HEAR THE WORDS." "BUT HOW CAN THEY?" "THEY'RE LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD." "THEY'RE YOUNG, AND PRETTY, AND NOTHING HURTS YET." "BUT YOU TWO, I DON'T WORRY." "MOST PEOPLE YOUR AGE ARE ALONE." "OH, THEY HAVE KIDS, AND GRANDKIDS, AND FRIENDS," "BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE" "TO HOLD IN THEIR ARMS." "SO, ELKA, WHEN YOUNG FRED HERE LOOKS DOWN THE AISLE," "WILL HE SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL, RADIANT BRIDE," "READY TO HAVE AND TO HOLD?" " OH, YES!" " [laughs]" " UH, HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?" "both:" "IN A MINUTE." " * NOW THE WHOLE WORLD'S ASLEEP *" "* BUT WE'RE STILL MAKING PLANS * women: * 'CAUSE ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH *" "* WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN * all: * OOH-OOH, OOH *" "* BAH-BAH BAH, BAH-BAH BAH *" "* I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU *" " SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?" " WE CAN SING IT AT YOUR RECEPTION!" " UM, I THINK WE'LL PROBABLY STICK WITH SINATRA." " WELL, I HAVE OTHER SONGS I CAN" " GO LIMP."