"Come on, Jake." " Slow down!" "Hurry up, Jake!" " Melanie!" "I gotta get home." "My mom's gonna kill me." "Wow, did you see that?" "1,001... 1,002..." "Well, answer the question!" " No!" "No, you won't answer, or no, you won't marry me?" "Jake Perry, I'm 10 years old." "I got too much to live for." "Not that way, you dolt!" "Come on!" "It's hot." "Don't touch it." "We'll be safe here." "Says who?" " Everybody." "Lightning never strikes the same place twice." "Why would you want to marry me for anyhow?" "So I can kiss you any time I want." "I need more coffee, guys." "I'm gonna switch..." "It's a warning!" "Oh, my God." "You know, that accent of yours... is a whole lot thicker when you're dreaming." "All right, how come y'all let me sleep?" "Oh, calm down." "It was 5 minutes." "What did I say?" "We're all getting big, fat raises when you become somebody." "Oh, did they kill Badgley Mishka!" "Okay, laugh now, but tomorrow it could be us." "Not us... you." "I just make the coffee." "Thank you." "I'll see you at the show." "Bye, Mel." "There's a rose for every moment I thought of you last night." "God, you must be exhausted." "Listen, knock 'em dead." "I'll see you at the show." "It's gonna be great." "I love you." "I can't wait to see you." "Goodbye." "Okay, people, we are officially late!" "Melanie!" " Yes?" "!" "This top is supposed to be neon aubergine,... but it's all wrong!" "It's all wrong!" "Okay, don't panic." "That's my job." "Um... okay." "Put her on after Anoke." "The third light cue is yellow." "She'll look eggplant." "Pan, uh, the reason it's all wrong is it's on backwards." "Ooh, Miss Vixen, I'm scared of you." "Frederick, what are you doing here?" "You're the competition." "Competition?" "Please!" "Our design's for plumes and pearls,... and nothing is going to come between me and my protege." "And this is, after all, all about me." "Oh, I love this." "Stella McCartney's gonna kill herself." "Then why do I feel like I'm in Times Square buck naked?" "Baby doll, you're gonna be just fine." "Seven years ago, you were this debutante off the plantation,... and now you're my steel magnolia with her very own show." "Okay, get out of here before you make me cry." "Bonne chance!" "Big smile!" "Great!" "Thank you!" "Good to see you." "Secretary Hennings, do you have a moment for a few questions?" "Andrew, are you excited about the show?" "Uh, of course, I'm very excited." "Did you get to see the models?" " The models?" "Why, uh..." "Please tell me he has a flaw somewhere." "He asked me to go to Ireland for Christmas." "He's gonna ask you a lot more than that." "You think so?" "Hey, let's go!" " Let's do this!" "All right, we gotta go." " Places, everyone!" "Come on, let's go, line up." " Have a good show." "Okay, no smiles, no smiles, just smirks!" "Oh, congratulations." "You're amazing." "Those flowers were insane." "Oh, well, I just want this day to be perfect." "Oh, God, honey, what if they hate me?" "Oh, they're critics, Mel." "They hate themselves." "That's easy for you to say." "I wasn't born with that thick Hennings skin." "No, you weren't, and that is what I love about you." "Ah, honey, I'm sorry, I got a meeting in the Bronx." "But you go and enjoy, and I'll see you later." "Okay?" "Oh, and, hey, we've got that thing tonight at Lincoln Center." "What thing?" "Fund-raiser thing." "Right, the thing..." "with your mother." "That's tonight." "I'm afraid so." "I am so proud of you." "Thank you." "Okay?" " I love you." "I love you, too." "Congratulations." "His meeting's running a little late." "He told me to take you inside so you wouldn't have to wait." "Where are we?" "I'm so tired, Jimmy." "I've just had it." "Well... he shouldn't be too long." "Miss Carmichael, won't you come in?" "So... have you made a decision?" " About what?" "Ireland." "Ireland, honey, that's four months from now." "I was thinking maybe 2... 300 guests, tops." "For Christmas?" "Andrew, are you on some sort of medication?" "What's going on?" "Where are we?" "Oh, my God." "Melanie Carmichael... will you marry me?" "Are you sure?" "I mean, a-a-are you really sure?" "Because if you're not sure, we could just go back to the car." "It's only been 8 months." "You know I never do anything rash." "And I usually never ask a question I don't already know the answer to,... so... at the risk of being rejected twice, I'm gonna ask you again." "Will you marry me?" "Yes!" "Pick one." "Mayor, just one shot!" "One shot!" "Can you comment on the Watson bill?" "Over here, Mayor, please!" "Over here!" "Thank you." " Where is he?" "He's running late." "No doubt thanks to that Carbuncle girl." "Carmichael... designer, Southern." " Right, whatever." "Your Honor, how do you answer those... who are opposed to the street-improvement project... you put before the city council today?" "I suggest they take a drive on some of the streets in Brooklyn." "Maybe they'll disappear into a pothole." "Your son's relationship with Melanie Carmichael... sources say they're engaged." "Do you have a comment?" "Trust me, if my son were engaged, I'd have a comment." "I thought you were tired." "Jimmy, can you excuse us for a second?" "I've been planning this for weeks." "I knew your show would be great, and tonight is perfect." "Oh, God, I can't wait to see the look on my mother's face." "Come on, let's call your parents." " No!" "I mean..." "not right this second." "What I mean is, uh..." "Honey, would you mind terribly... if we just kept this to ourselves for a few days?" "Mel, it's gonna come out sooner or later." "No, I know, I know, but, um,... it's just, I haven't seen my folks in about 7 years,... and I just feel like I should probably tell them in person." "Of course." "And, um..." "I think I should do it alone." "Mel, I'm gonna have to meet them eventually." "I know, I know, and they will love you... eventually." "Is it because I'm a Yankee?" " Well, that... and a Democrat." "Okay... mum's the word." "No one will know." " Thank you." "Secretary Hennings, will you comment..." "Hello." "Why haven't you told your mother you're engaged?" "Have you thought about children?" "I'm sorry we're late." "That shade of lipstick does nothing for you." "What kept you?" "Oh, it's none of your business." "Ah, you know I hate surprises." "What's going on?" "Oh, Tom, always a pleasure." "Good to see you." "Melanie, darling." " Hi, Your Honor." "So good to see you." "Look at you... always the belle of the ball." "I hear very good things about your new line." "Oh, yeah." "Thanks." " Always a pleasure." "Andrew?" " Yes?" "Seems Melanie is wearing a skating rink on a very important finger." "Um, Your Honor, I'd really like to keep it..." "Oh, my God, you're engaged?" "!" "Quiet." "Bloody hell, Mel, I'm your first New York friend, and I have to read about it with 12 million other people!" "Sorry, honey, she just grabbed my hand." "What was I supposed to do?" "I know..." "we read all about it." "So, did you cry?" " Wouldn't you?" "One man for the rest of my life?" "I'd bawl my bloody eyes out." "So why don't you meet us?" "We're just around the corner." "Can't." "I'm in Alabama." "Oh... my God." "He's loud, but he don't bite." "Come on, shut up, hound!" "Lie down." "Go on, stay." "Now, how can I help you?" "Well, for starters, you can get your stubborn ass down here... and give me a divorce." "Come on, Jake, I mean it." "The joke's over." "Let's just finish this." "I've got a plane to catch." "You're shittin' me, right?" "You know, I've never actually understood that expression,... but, no, I'm not "shitting" you." "Look, it's even got these idiot-proof tabs to make it easy." "There's one copy for me, one copy for you... and one copy for the lawyers." "What?" "Speak!" "You show up here after 7 years... without so much as a "Hey, there, Jake, remember me... your wife?"" "Or a "Hi, honey." "Lookin' good." "How's the family?"" "You expect me to tell you you look good?" "Did they run out of soap down at the Piggly Wiggly since I left?" "They laugh at that up north or wherever it is you been?" "You knew where I was." "And don't even pretend you spent all this time missing me." "Oh, I missed you, all right." "But at this range, my aim is bound to improve." "Is that a threat?" "I've got a lawyer who charges $350 an hour." "He billed me every time you sent these papers back." "Well, I'm glad to see you finally got the message." "Shut up, Bear!" " Shut up, Bryant!" "What happened to Bear?" " He died." "You weren't here." "What are you doing?" "!" "Leavin'." "You done it." "You should recognize the gesture." "Could we just try to keep this as civilized as possible?" "Please sign these papers so I can go home." "What do you know from home?" "Hell, I bet your folks don't even know you're in town." "That's my business." "Honey, those people are the only family you got." "Don't you "honey" me, honey!" "Get your butt back in that car, you drive over and see 'em,... and then maybe we'll talk." "Jake!" "You dumb, stubborn, redneck hick!" "The only reason you won't sign these papers is 'cause I want you to!" "Wrong!" "The only reason I ain't signing'... is 'cause you've turned into some hoity-toity Yankee bitch... and I'd like nothin' better right now than to piss you off!" "What are you doin' with Mose Plydell's plane anyhow?" "!" "That's my business!" "Divorce, my ass." "Hey, genius..." "Next time you lock somebody out,... make sure they don't know where the spare key's hidden." "Well, see, that's the thing about Hide-A-Keys... it'd be nice if your wife told you where it was!" "I'm not your wife, Jake." "I'm just the first girl... that climbed in the back of your truck." "But you're right..." "I have changed." "I don't even know that girl anymore." "Well, then..." "allow me to remind you." ""Born into one of the wealthiest families of Greenville, Alabama, her daddy's in cotton and all that that implies."" "There's no listing for an Earl Carmichael in Greenville." "How about her local high school?" "No record of a Melanie Carmichael attending... ever." "Jesus!" "Whatever happened to responsible journalism?" "There's something wrong here." "Why would my son do this to me?" "Maybe he, um, loves her." "Oh, please!" "This is classic rebound." "He's still wounded from..." "who was his last girlfriend?" "Whitney Truesdale, lawyer, San Francisco." "Yeah, well, there was a match made in Heaven... society, political family, California... all those electoral votes." "Get Andrew on the phone." "Since we have a small window for the Secretary of Housing, please hold your questions until after the presentation." "Gentlemen." "Did you see the look on my mom's face?" "I thought her head was going to explode." "Yeah, what did she say?" "That I should date women like Melanie, not marry them." "That's harsh." " That's Mom." "Thank you." " Thanks a lot." "We hope to have the Bronx Children's Hospital open by fall 2003." "Oh, speak of the devil." "Hello?" "So, have you two lovebirds set a date?" "I'm pleading the Fifth." "Okay, fine, just try to keep your secrets." "I dare you." "Oh, at least you sound like you're in a better mood." "My approval rating went up 2 points." "It seems the public likes being reminded I am a mother." "God, always running for office." "I'm only thinking of you." "Say, um... do you happen to have the Carmichaels' number down there in Greenville?" "I thought perhaps I should introduce myself." "I would like to meet them first, if you don't mind." "You do realize the press is going to be all over this." "Happy couples don't sell." "So if there are any skeletons in her closet, Andrew,... we need to know about them." "You make clothes, right?" "I design them." "There's a big difference." "Did you design anything with stripes?" "You called the sheriff?" "!" "You know that old bastard hates me!" "For good reason!" "Well, hell's bells, if it ain't Felony Melanie." "Wade!" "Hot damn, girl, do we miss you around here!" "Hey, I think I saw poor, old Fuzz just the other day." "Oh, God, you had to bring that up." "I can't believe you're the sheriff!" "Yep, I get to frisk pretty little things like you all day... and get paid for it." "Wade, can you try and be a little more professional?" "We got us a crime suspect here." "Now, Melanie, you can't just go breaking into people's houses." "I didn't break in, Wade." "I used a key... my key." "Well, it still ain't your house, darlin'." "I'm gonna have to escort you out." "Use the cuffs, Wade, please?" "If you get him to sign these, I'll let you run me out of town." "Now, that's none of your concern." "Well, what do we got here?" "A bill of divorcement?" "Hell, boy, I thought you said you took care of this." "And I thought I had." "Obviously not." "Well, if you two are still married, it's her house, too." "This here ain't nothin' but a domestic dispute." "He didn't hit you, did he?" "If he took a swing at you, I'll take him in right now." "We take that stuff pretty serious nowadays." "No, Wade, Jake's never hit me." "You know what?" "I don't have a single childhood memory that doesn't have you two in it." "And that includes the night I lit my ass on fire." "Remember?" "Wade..." "Memory Lane is closed." "Ah, boy, you two got a whole lot of catching' up to do... so I'm just gonna leave you to it." "Man, I set you up with your wife." "You owe me one!" "Why won't you just sign the papers?" "!" "There is nothin' I can do." "The law is the law, and she has done nothin' wrong." "I suppose shoplifting steaks at Winn-Dixie's okay." "I took 'em back, and you know it!" "You remember that vandalism out at the stockyard?" "Totally her!" "Like I could tip a cow by myself." "Wade... isn't there some outstanding warrant for whoever dumped your mama's tractor in the fishpond?" "We only have 10 of these, and it's gonna be gone for good." "So if you are loving this monster..." "We have eight only?" "If I knew how to say that in Italian, I would, but I don't." "If you love this... 9:15?" "Honestly." "Who could be callin' at this hour?" "Hello?" "Hey, Mama." "Melanie?" "Is that you?" "Oh, it's so late." "Are you all right?" "I just thought I'd surprise you." "Well, this certainly is a fine surprise, hearing from you... you know, being such a busy girl and all." "Of course, I call people while I'm doin' the dishes or shelling' peas." "Oprah calls it "multitasking."" "Mama, the call isn't the surprise." "I'm in town." "Oh, Lord, love a duck!" "Oh, my baby girl has finally come home." "Earl, she's in town." " You gonna repeat everything she says?" "If you are, get off my chair." " Mama..." "I'm just sittin' here, is all." "What happened to the sound?" "I turned it down so I could hear the phone ring." "Mama!" " What, are you a clairvoyant?" "It was so loud, I couldn't hear myself think." "They could have heard it at Joe and Lurlynn's house." "Hello?" " I only get 3 minutes." "Oh, honey, you didn't need to call, then." "Just come on by." "Well, that's the thing." "I was sorta hoping Daddy could come get me." "So, what put you in jail this time?" " Jake and his big, fat mouth." "It's just a misunderstanding, that's all." "Yeah, kinda like that wedding' I paid for, huh?" "I would hardly call that a wedding." "Boy was nervous." "He was still drunk from the night before." "Can you blame him?" " Yes, I can!" "I went to the reception by myself with puke... all down my dress while he slept it off in the Travelodge,... and you're still siding with that..." "I'm not siding' with anybody." "The boy's changed, is all." "Can we just not talk about Jake, okay?" "I know he's the son you never had, but I'm your only daughter... and maybe you want to know what's new with me." "Okay, shoot." "I met somebody... and he's quite a catch." "He's really a great guy." "And I'm happy... really." "Come to Mama, sugar!" "Oh, good land of the livin', you are skin and bones." "Well, don't I get a smile?" "I know you got one in there somewhere." "Come on, come on, let's not let all the bought air out." "Well, are you hungry, sweetie?" "Do you want me to reheat you some chicken-fried steak?" "Oh, no, Mama, I'm fine." "Sweetie, you look tired." "Are you tired?" "Oh, you know what?" "Maybe it's the way you're wearing your hair now." "You guys have really done a lot with the place." "Lord, would you listen to that accent?" "Why don't you sit in my good chair?" "Now, your mama got me this Christmas before last." "Oh, you mean the one where you were supposed to come visit me?" "I told you time and time again, it just didn't suit." "Let me..." "let me get you those tickets." "Sit down in it." "Sit down." "Now, watch this." "I mean, isn't that quite the deal?" "There are hardly words." "Now, how do I get out of this thing?" "Oh, my God!" "Jake tell you he's thinkin' of gettin' one?" "Oh, I see your priorities..." "Jake, jail, and then home." "Mama, it was just unfinished business, is all." "Jake's doin' all right." "Boy's goin' places." "Once upon a time, you were goin' places, too." "Here are your tickets." "These were a gift." "I'd rather you guys just use them." "You know what I can't understand is how y'all will visit... every stupid battlefield in the continental U.S.,... but you can't manage to visit your only daughter." "Well, the door swings both ways, sweetie." "Anyway, don't get me started on the things I don't understand." "Here we go." "Your dream for me was to get out of this place and be somebody." "You shoved me in every beauty pageant in the state." "I'm just sayin', is all." "What?" "!" "What are you trying to say?" "!" "I mean, just tell me what I can do to make you happy!" "Just make yourself happy, darlin'." "Done." "We're there, all right?" "You know, I've really made something of myself." "I have a career." "People actually want to be me." "And somebody loves me, and I love him." "Pearl, why don't you get us that baloney cake out the icebox?" "Your mama's a complex woman." "I'm going to bed." "Good night, darlin'." "But you know nothing about her." "Are you even sure who she is?" "I love her, Mom." "That's nice, but you have to be careful." "You and I are different." "We're not better, not worse..." "we're just different." "We're in public life to serve, and to serve... to the best of our abilities, we have to set good examples." "Do you have to control everything?" "I've put a hold on the Plaza for the second weekend in June." "That should give you a nice, long engagement." "We were thinking Christmas in Ireland." "If you think I'm going to let some girl talk you into getting married..." "She is not "some girl." - ...any place but New York City." "She's my fiancee, for Christ's sake." "You are just like your father." "One minute you're brilliant, controlled, steadfast." "The next you're throwing it all away on some young piece of ass." "Those are your issues, Mother." "Not mine." "Hold on." "You know what?" "Uh..." "How long does a contested divorce take?" "18 months?" "!" "Mr. Buford, I don't have 18 months." "I don't have 18 days." "Okay, well, that's just not gonna work for me." "Don't see the likes of you around these here parts much!" "Mr. Buford, that's not gonna work." "Lady, you look like sex on a stick in that..." "Frederick Montana getup!" " I have to call you back." "Listen, bubba, why don't you just kiss my ass!" "Oh, my God!" "Get in the truck, there, missy,... 'cause I don't do that sort of thing on the street." "I guess your mama raised you right." "What is that?" "Calvin Klein?" "That's very nice." "Very good." "I better back off." "Don't want to get you in trouble with the little lady." "There is a little lady, isn't there?" "I can hardly afford me, much less some high-maintenance babe." "What about Cindy What's-her-name?" "You guys were real hot and heavy in high school." "She's a women's softball coach up in Nashville." "Well, that explains some lingering questions that I had... about a game of post office we played one time." "I guess we all have our little secrets, don't we, Bobby Ray?" "Yeah, we sure do." "'Course, I read about yours on the Internet." "What?" "!" "Oh, I know all about the cocks in your henhouse." "Oh, God!" "Bobby Ray!" "You sure do know how to make a girl blush." "Well, I gotta get back to the factory,... but are you in town for a while?" "Oh, God, I hope not." "No, I'm just hitting the bank." "Well, I better scram." "Very funny." "Been really good to see you." " Good to see you, too." "How's your leg?" "Oh, it don't give me too much trouble, Miss Melanie." "Dorothea, I'm gonna take my lunch." "Well, look what the cat dragged in." "Dorothea?" "!" "Oh, my God, you've..." " Lost 110 pounds, I know." "Well... congratulations." " Thanks." "I noticed that you don't have an ATM." "Oh, them things." "Russ don't want to put one in... on account of you lose personal contact with the customers." "Yes, that would be tragic." "Wade said you and Jake had quite the reunion." "But that's just pillow talk talkin'." "Are you and Wade..." "Goin' on three years." "'Course, it ain't Tiffany's." "But then again, you can't believe everything you hear on TV." "I need to make a withdraw from my..." " Joint account?" "My what?" "with Jake." "From what I hear, y'all are still married." "Why, yes." "Yes, we are." "Lookin' good." "How's the family?" "Cut the shit." "Where's my stuff?" "Now, what kind of wife would I be... if I didn't pick up after my husband?" "The kind that don't live here." "Now, I'm gonna ask you one last time." "Where is the Hide-A-Key?" "!" "I had the sweetest chat with Wade's mama about her tractor." "Nice to see you got your accent back." "Oh, I stumbled across a few things today." "Holy shit!" "What happened to the stove?" "!" "And where are them little magnets I had over here, huh?" "!" "What the hell is this..." "chick food?" "Light beer..." "less calories." "I tried to pick out a new bed,... but have you been to the Sit 'n Sleep lately?" "Yuck." "I'll just have to order something from New York." "Whatever blows your dress up, darlin'." "You go right ahead and spend your money." "Oh, but, darlin'..." "I thought you said we should think of it as... our money." "Just a guess, but I'm thinking the words "joint checking"... are flashing in your head right now." "How much did you take?" "All of it." "Son of a bitch!" "You want a wife, you got a wife." "And what are you doing with all that cash?" "Why don't you invest it?" "Don't you know anything?" "!" "I know if you don't get out of this house right now..." "Sign the papers, and I'll give it all back." "Fine!" " Fine!" "Give me the pen." "Hold on." "What are you doing with all that cash saved up?" "And since when did you quit the tire factory?" "You're not doing anything illegal, are you, Jake?" "!" "Maybe I am." "So what?" "I don't ask you about your boyfriend,... you keep your nose out of my life... deal?" "Who told you?" "Honey, just 'cause I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid." "Look, Jake..." "Nobody finds their soul mate when they're 10 years old." "Yeah, I guess." "I mean, where's the fun in that, right?" "I can't believe you kept this thing all these years." "Most people don't know that lightning does that to sand." "Oh, hey, Mel, you know what?" "I just remembered I got myself a hot date." "You don't mind if I have my lawyer take a look at these." "What?" "!" "Hell, I'm just a simple country boy." "There's words in there I can't even pronounce." "You might be takin' me to the cleaners for all I know." "The cleaners?" "You?" "Say, what did this set you back, anyhow?" "More than you make in a month." "Just sign the damn papers!" "But..." "thanks for stoppin' by." "Oh!" "God." "I love you, I love you, I love you." "Are you sitting down?" " Why?" "Bad news?" "Just picked up the "New York" magazine, and I quote," ""That cool breath of fresh air..." ""blowing through the tents at Fashion Week..." ""was the soon-to-be household name of Melanie Carmichael." "Fashion insiders have labeled her 'the next big one."'" "Oh, my God, "the next big one"?" "Oh, God, honey, I needed that almost as much as I need you." "What is that noise?" "The sound of my past." "Have fun." "Okay, bye." "Batten down the hatches, boys!" "Trouble done just walked back into my life,... disguised as my favorite daughter-in-law!" "Honey, drive that pretty face over here and give me a hug!" "Soon-to-be ex-daughter-in-law." "Who's the lucky guy?" "His name is Andrew." "He's in politics." "Well, you got my vote." "Good to see you, baby girl." "Hey, you give this lady whatever she wants." "I'll catch up with you later." " All right." "I'll have a Gray Goose martini, two olives, dirty." "Thanks." "Oh... my..." "God!" "Melanie?" "!" " Lurlynn?" "Yes!" "Oh, my God!" "Look at you, all fancy." "You look like you just stepped out of a magazine." "Oh, well, thank you." "Um, look at you." "You have a baby... in a bar." "Hell, I got three more at home." "This one's still on the tit, so I can cart him anywhere." "Right." "I almost bought that exact same top the other day." "But Clinton'd kill me if I spent 30 bucks on a sweater thing." "That Jaclyn Smith knows what she's doin'." "Actually, it's mine." "Bergdorf's just picked it up." "I design clothes now." "Oh, mmm, now that you mention it,..." "I'm..." "I'm pretty sure I heard that." "So, do you know Jaclyn Smith?" "Mind if I join you?" "Actually, we do." "You must be Jake's hot date." "I'm Starr." "Hi, I'm Melanie, Jake's snotty Yankee-bitch wife,... whom he refuses to divorce, even though I'm engaged to another man." "Hot dog, Jake, look at the size of that thing." "Honey?" "Why don't you get us a couple drinks, all right?" "Is that a martini?" "Not "me and her" us." ""You and I" us." "Why do you make me be mean to you?" "Is that what you want... to be humiliated in front of all of your friends?" "Oh, come on, Mel, we were your friends, too." "Well, looky, looky there!" "If it isn't the two groomsmen of the apocalypse." "Hey, Eldon!" " Yep?" "Are you hungry?" "!" "Starved!" "No, no, no!" "No, don't you dare!" "I could use a Melanie sandwich!" "Just seems like old times, doesn't it?" "Get off me!" "No, not like old times, all right?" "Times have changed." "No more Melanie sandwich, no more Melanie taco,... and no more Melanie corn dog, all right?" "Sure... sorry." " Just playin' with you." "Come on, guys, just grab a stick." "Let's play some pool, all right?" "And if you can't find a cue, just pull the one shoved up her ass." "Eldon, you're still wearing that same old stupid hat." "Well, I... just about got it broken in." "Now, you sit your bony ass down there... and watch and see me teach Jake here, how to lose at pool." "Well, see, that's the thing." "I'm not really a watch-and-see kind of girl... am I, Jake?" "Come on, now, Bobby Ray, you got it." "Don't blow this one, okay?" "All right, baby?" "You can take the girl out of the honky-tonk,... but you can't take the honky-tonk out of the girl." "So, Jake... are you going to divorce this girl or what?" "Well, she waited 7 years." "A couple more days won't kill her... unfortunately." "Like it's gonna make a difference." "You never know." "You might be interested to learn Jake has this whole..." "Hey, hey, let her think whatever she wants, Clinton." "She made up her mind about me a long time ago." "Some things never change." "Like Eldon here!" "He never could get his balls in the right pocket." "Okay, Jake, it's you and Mel." "Clutch time, man." "It's just like state playoffs." "We're down by 6, 7 seconds to go." "We need that big, beautiful 52-yard bomb!" "Do you remember that, Mel?" " How could I forget?" "That was the night Jake got me pregnant." "Why don't you just go public with that shit?" "Oh, come on." "It's not like anybody can keep a secret around here... except for Bobby Ray." "Now, what did I ever do to you?" "You never did anything to me, darlin'... or any other girl in town." "Melanie, what is the matter with you?" "What do you mean?" " Oh, she's just unhappy." "Well, of course, I would be, too,... if "Women's Wear Daily" called me "less than mediocre."" "Why don't you just go to a gay bar?" "!" "Now, what would "B" Ray do at a gay bar?" "I think I had about enough fun for one night." "Oh, come on, I was just kidding." "Hey, Stella!" "How 'bout another round of drinks for my friends here?" "Honey, I think you've had about enough." "You know what?" "I think you're right." "I have had enough." "I mean, how do you people live like this, anyway?" "All right, that's it, that's it." "Come on." "Did you know that there's a great, big world out there?" "It has absolutely nothin' to do with chitlins or children or beer!" "I liked her better when she was crazy." "What makes you think you can treat them... like somethin' you stepped in in them fancy shoes, huh?" "!" "You asked for it!" " I asked for it?" "!" "You show up here, you steal my money,... you rearrange my house, and then you insult my friends,... actin' like you're better than 'em!" "I am better than them!" "And you stole my pen!" "That's all that matters to you, isn't it?" "Jake..." " The money... the labels, the shoes... you're pathetic!" "Oh, like you're goin' places!" "Well, I am as soon as I get my keys out of here." "Oh, no, you don't." "No, you don't, Mel." "Give me my purse!" " You want to kill yourself?" "You want to kill yourself, you do it somewhere else." "At least I'm doin' something' with my life." "So what if you can't play football anymore?" "!" "Get a new dream!" " Get in the car." "Get in the truck, Mel." " I did." "All right!" "So, I... guess the date's over, huh?" "Do me a favor." "Follow us home." "Earl." "Evening, Jake." "Pearl." "Jake." "My battle's in the day and runs on into tomorrow morning." "Be still." "I can't fasten this." "If we win, I might stick around for old Billy's rabbit stew." "If we lose, I'll be home." "Tomorrow, then, sweetie." "Now, listen, Pearl, you go easy on her." "There." "Oh, we were wondering when we were gonna see you." "Christ Almighty, Daddy." "How am I gonna explain you in New York City?" "History's history." "No use sweeping' it under the rug." "Wish me luck." "Go get them Yankees." "People need a passport to come down here." "Hey, Bryant, where is he?" "Come here." "Come on, come on." "There you go, there you go." "Look good?" "Come on!" "Bryant, Bryant, come on!" "Come on!" "What's she doin' here, huh?" "I thought you'd be gone." "Bryant, there you go, boy." "I put the money back in your account." "There you go!" "Thanks." "Saves me from bouncin' a lot of checks." "Can he swim?" "Doesn't look like it." "I like what you did, though..." "to the house." "Should help it sell quicker." "Are you movin'?" "Well..." "I been spendin' a lot of my time up around Tuscaloosa, so..." "How deep is that water?" " About 8 feet." "Look, Mel..." "I signed your papers." "Jake, I never meant to hurt you, or anybody else, for that matter." "And I just came out here to say... thank you." "You might want to find yourself a place out of the way." "You can't just leave!" "Sure I can." "You want to come?" "Where you goin'?" "I want to show you somethin'." "I can't." "Can't or won't?" "Both." "The girl I knew used to be fearless." "The girl you knew didn't have a life." "Well, I... guess you better get on with it, then." "Come on, Bryant!" "Come on, boy, get in here." "Excuse me, do you know Bobby Ray Bailey's address?" "813 Lafayette." "You don't remember me, do you?" " Oh, I remember you just fine." "You used to steal catfish from my pond." "Yes, sir." "I did that." "I'm sorry." "'Course, on the weekends,..." "Bobby Ray goes over to the Carmichael plantation... visits with Colonel Murphy... it being tourist season and all." "Thank you." "Oh, hi!" "I'm Melanie Carmi..." "Melanie Smooter." "I'm..." "I'm here to see Bobby Ray." "If he's alive, he's out back." "Come on." "They're out here somewhere." "Watch your step." "Bobby Ray?" "Melanie?" "!" "Don't move!" "Hot damn!" "Hold your fire, sir." "I'll be right back." "We weren't aiming' for ya,... but I doubt I would have gone to your funeral." "I guess I wouldn't blame you." "Forgotten how beautiful this place was." "Guess it doesn't take much to forget a lot of things." "Bobby Ray, it's not like that." "You know what?" "I'll tell you what it's not like." "It's not like Jake's the only one that you run out on." "I'm so sorry I outed you." "I guess I figured if I was pointing at you,... then... nobody would see through me." "Bobby Ray, I can't find the fuse!" "I should go before he kills himself." "Bye." "Afternoon." "Can I help you?" "Barry Lowenstein, "New York Post."" "Ho-ho, boy, am I glad to see you." "I'll tell you, it's, uh... definitely, uh, another world down here." "Did you say the "Post"?" "Yes, I did." "I was hoping to get an interview with you and your family... maybe, um, a few pictures if you don't mind?" "No." "I mean, uh, yes, I do... mind." "They're not here." "This is just as you described it." "It must have been amazing, huh, growing up here?" "Like a fantasy." "Would you mind if I take a quick look inside?" "Actually, I'm on my way out." "I'll come back, then." "Uh, uh, okay, but just a peek." "This is it..." "home sweet home." "How old is this place?" "It was built by my, uh, great-great-great-grandfather,..." "Charles Carmichael, in 1853." "Oh, boy, I bet you slid down this banister a time or two." "And over here we have the, um... kitchen, but who hasn't seen one of those?" "Let's start over here." "Now, this is my favorite room." "It was part of the, um, Underground Railroad." "Why are we whispering?" "The whole place is haunted... by ghosts of, um, the Civil War soldiers." "Jake!" "...buttons." "No wonder we lost the war." "Was that one of 'em?" "Melanie?" "What are you doin' in a closet?" "Hi." "Barry Lowenstein, "New York Post."" "Miss Carmichael is just showing me around the plantation." "Uh, Mr. Lowenstein is writing a piece on the family, you know, since I'm marrying the mayor's son and all." "I had no idea." "Isn't that something?" "Well, a plantation by any other name is just a farm." "But it does roll off the tongue a little sweeter, doesn't it?" "Well, I do believe Miss Melanie forgot her manners." "I'm Bobby Ray... her cousin." "Charmed." "See, when the Yankees marched through Alabama,... they tried to destroy our metal-formin' capabilities... by placing' barrels of powder underneath the anvils." "Of course, all that managed to do... was blow 'em sky-high for a few seconds." "So... in honor of that act of stupidity, we all... we get together to re-create it for the tourists." "What the hell was that?" "!" "Hey, Grandpa!" "This here's Barry!" "He's doin' an article on Melanie's weddin'!" "Never heard of her." "Thanks!" "Well, aren't you just a big, fat liar." "Bobby Ray!" "Oh, go back to New York." "Hello." "I'm sorry about what I said." "Really sorry." "Melanie, forget it." "She was not sharing." "Okay, y'all, you need to eat and be quiet." "We're gonna have us a little visit." "You know, he went up there." "Who?" "Jake?" "When?" "About a year after you left." "He doesn't know I know, but Clinton let it slip once." "Jake was in New York?" "He told Clinton he'd never seen anything like it." "He realized straight off... he'd need more than an apology to win you back." "He needed to conquer the world first." "He's been tryin' ever since." "That's why he kept sending the papers back." "It's funny how things don't work out." "It's funny how they do." "Hey, look who I found hanging' out by the parkin' lot." "Hesitant to join us." "Anybody think of anything in here that, uh, might bother Bobby Ray?" "Uh, Clinton's breath?" "You still the same Bobby Ray from last night?" "Last time I checked, yeah." "Well, then, I'm gonna buy you a drink." "Well, you're really not my type, I mean..." "Oh, honey, you..." "you drink that from the top." "I'm just lookin' to see who makes this Deep South Glass." "I wonder if you can get it in New York." "It's beautiful." "Hey, Jake, Mel would like to know... where she can find some of that snooty-faluty glass." "Why ask me?" "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe because you're..." "You're all spiffed up and... and all." "Am I missin' somethin'?" "Let's show some respect." "When was the last time you pushed me around the floor?" "Clinton here has got two left feet." "Well, Ms. Taylor, I'd be honored." "Let's do it." "Come on." "Come on, Mel, get on out here!" "Well, aren't you the Lord of the Dance?" "I ain't as clumsy as I look." "She just can't keep time." "You might have to prove that to me." "You know, he's pretty good." "It might be you." "Oh, the hell you say." "Let me at him." "Look at them two welded together." "Why do they fight it?" "Maybe we could just talk." "Come on, let's go to the Roadhouse." "What do you say we drive out to Fairview and bowl?" "I don't think so." "Do you want to go harass somebody?" "Hey, I know this great place where we can..." "No!" "Y'all, I think I'm gonna call it a night." "Hi, there, boy." "Sorry it took me so long." "I would have come sooner if I'd known you were sick." "Actually, that's probably not true." "I've been pretty selfish lately." "Dogs don't know anything about that, do they, though?" "You were always like a big old pillow." "Like when everything went pear-shaped... you never left my side." "And then I just left you." "I bet you sat there wondering what you'd done wrong." "I told him it was my fault." "Quit bein' so nice." "It's the truth." "How come it has to be so complicated?" "What?" "Truth... life... this." "He was one hell of a good dog, wasn't he?" "You looked like you were having fun out there tonight." "I'm happy in New York, Jake." "But then I come down here and... this fits, too." "Since when does it have to be one or the other?" "You can have roots and wings, Mel." "Maybe I could just fly south for the winter." "Look." "What?" "There." "Do you see 'em?" "Only you." "You know, I still go out there sometimes." "I see those big thunderheads rollin' in." "It's like a religion." "I had a dream about it the other night." "You ever wonder what would have happened... if we hadn't have gotten pregnant?" "Jake..." "Just... let me get this out before I can't." "I thought that baby would be an adventure." "And it took me a while to realize... it would have been your only adventure." "I just guess Mother Nature knew better, huh?" "I was so ashamed... 'cause I felt... relieved." "And all of a sudden, I just..." "needed a different life." "You done real well for yourself." "I'm proud of you, Mel." "I'm just sorry I never danced with you at our weddin'." "I'm sure this next one's gonna go better for ya." "Jake, I can't do this." "I know." "Go home." "Well, I'm just sayin', is all." "I mean, I..." "I saw the way you two were lookin' at each other." "Will you just shut up about it, Mama?" "!" "I can't help the way Jake feels about me!" "He hasn't done anything wrong!" "He hasn't done anything right either!" "I can't believe I'm even having this argument!" "I'm leaving!" "I'm gone!" "I'm marrying another man!" "Yes, that's right, you get a second chance, so please don't mess it up!" "For who?" "For me or for you?" "Don't sass me, okay?" "Don't you dare sass me, 'cause I have put up with an awful lot from you over the years." "Like what?" "!" "Like me quitting your precious pageants?" "I didn't want you to end up like me!" "Damn it!" "Now, you need to stay as far away from here as you can." "That boy is quicksand." "What's so wrong with being you, Mama?" "I just think that you deserve better, that's all." "I know you do." "You always have." "I'll see you in New York, all right?" "You'll like it." "I promise." "Now, don't you forget to say goodbye to your daddy." "Fire!" "Daddy?" "Daddy!" "Who ya lookin' for, darlin'?" "Earl Smooter." "5th Regiment?" "Anybody seen Earl Smooter?" "He's about to surrender!" "Thank you!" "After you." "Afternoon." "How are ya?" " Good, thanks." "Yourself?" "No complaints." "That's a beautiful house." "Sure." "Yeah." "You, uh, you here to see Bobby Ray?" "Actually, I'm, uh, hoping to surprise Melanie." "Melanie?" " My fiancee." "You got the wrong house, don't ya?" "This is, uh, the Carmichael place, isn't it?" "Are we talkin' about the same girl?" "Melanie Smooter?" " Melanie Carmichael." "Oh, well, that explains it." "That sure does." "Andrew Hennings." "Nice meeting you, Jake." "Hey, Jake." "What's goin' on?" "Oh, you know, I'm just, uh, talkin' to Mel's fiance here." "Wonder if you might know where she is." "Andrew Hennings." "You must be..." "I'm Bobby Ray..." "her, uh, cousin?" "I see you've already met Jake... her, uh..." "Other cousin." "Family!" "God, it's great to meet you both." "I think Melanie said somethin' last night... about, uh, visiting' her daddy up at the... up at the battlefield." "The battlefield?" " You know us Southerners." "I mean, the minute the Confederacy died, it became a moral issue." "Come on, I'll, uh, I'll give you a ride up there." "That's great." "Thank you." "All right." "Nice meeting you." "So, who's..." "Melanie..." "Smooter?" "Local hero around here." "Why is that?" "She blew up the bank." "And that made her a hero?" "Well, notorious, anyway." "She was 10." "Fortunately, nobody was hurt..." "except, maybe, the cat." "What cat?" "The one with the dynamite on its back." "She blew up a cat?" "He was scheduled to die." " From dynamite?" "The vet said it had cancer,... so Eldon thought it'd be put in one of those chambers,... you know, the ones that suck their lungs out." "Little Mel, she couldn't bear the thought of that." "She, uh, she wanted somethin' more humane." "Yeah, sure." "So, they were doing some blasting' out by the new highway." "So, we, uh, we took old Fuzz up there, taped him up." "Used about 30 feet of fuse just to be on the safe side,... said our prayers, and ran like hell." "Of course." "So, there we were, sittin' in Virgie's Diner, feelin' pretty blue." "When Mel looks up and sees that damn cat,... trotting' down the road, searching' for Eldon." "No shit." "Yeah, and we would have caught him, too,... but once that fuse hit his tail, boom, he took off like a shot." "And into the bank." "Well... the theory is,... he probably wriggled loose from the explosive." "'Cause, uh, people still see him from time to time, scorched tail and all." "He's a little skittish around humans." "That's quite a story." "She was quite a girl." "Whatever happened to her?" "Oh, you know..." "wound up pregnant,... married some loser right out of high school." "Are you surprised?" "What are you doing here?" "Well, I came to deliver your fiance." "I think she was talking to me." "Jake..." "Must be exhausting'." "What?" " What?" "Livin' a lie." "What's he talking about?" "You and I are in love with two different people." "Is he a second cousin?" "He's my husband." "Your what?" "I mean my ex-husband." "You married your cousin?" "!" "No, I came down here to finalize my divorce." "Hey, darlin', thought that was you." "Must be your new someone." "Earl Smooter..." "glad to meet ya." "Melanie Smooter." "Andrew, wait." "Wait!" "Andrew!" "Wait!" "I just..." "Please." "Let me try and explain myself!" "You don't understand!" "This is not who I am anymore!" "Look, I don't know who you are or what else you lied about,... but I know one thing... there is a Lear Jet in Mobile, and I am on it." "I know you're thinkin'" "I spoiled things good this time." "Oh, hon, don't go accusing' me of thinkin'." "I ain't done anything of the sort." "Anyway, spoiled's in the eye of the beholder... like these plums here." "Some people might call them "spoiled"... but I think that, um, these almost-ruined ones... sometimes make the sweetest jam." "Do you need any help?" "It was kind of fun, seeing Daddy up there, surrendering." "He sure does have a flair for the dramatic." "You certainly don't get it from my side of the family." "Hey, y'all." "Look who I found walking' down I-58." "I thought you'd be halfway to New York by now." "So did I." "If I'd known company was comin', I'd have put on the dog." "This is my mama." "She makes the best jam in three counties." "And my dad..." "you... you already met him." "And this is our home." "This is where I grew up." "Well, it's a pleasure meeting you both." "I'm..." "Andrew Hennings..." "Melanie's fiance... well... that is... if..." "if she'll still have me." "I really don't care what happened down here." "So... you have a past." "I mean, who doesn't?" "What I need to know is if there is a place for me in your future." "Oh, good Lord." "That is the sweetest thing." "Well, go on." "Oh!" "Hello, New York City!" "Woman, what the hell you gassing' about?" "Well, sir... my mother happens to be the mayor up there, and, uh,... she'd like nothing better than a big, snazzy New York wedding." "Yeah, I suppose I can take off work." "Andrew, I, um... actually, I was thinking,... maybe we could have the wedding here." "Here." "In my hometown." "Look, Mel, if you're worried about the money, don't." "It's not about the money, Andrew... not down here." "You know..." "a lot of people are expecting us to get married in the city,... but I think a nice, quiet, country wedding is just the ticket." "Pearl, if you... if you folks could take care of the rehearsal dinner,..." "I'd really like to take care of the rest." "Well, I think we could cover that." "How many times does your only daughter get married?" "Other than before." "Felony Melanie?" "She was never convicted." "I don't know which is worse... child cat killer or sons of the Confederacy." "What would you suggest I do..." "dump her for being poor?" "You're supposed to be a Democrat, remember?" "There is nothing wrong with being poor." "I get elected by poor people and..." "I'm a big enough person to commend her for making something of herself." "What upsets me is that she lied to you." "So what?" "She was ashamed of her background." "Who hasn't been embarrassed by their parents at one point?" "I'm going to assume that was a rhetorical question." "Assume away." "No one is going to change my mind about this... not you, not the media, not anyone." "Fine... but admit it..." "I was right." "Yes... you were right." "There is a wedding in your future, whether you like it or not." "And how, exactly, does Little Miss Alabama plan to accommodate 500 people?" "I suppose she has connections at the jail." "Well, there are several excellent choices... the Travelodge, Days Inn, a Motel 6,... oh, and the Golden Cherry Motel, where we will be." "Laugh now, but if this gets out..." "It won't." "The press expects the Plaza in June." "Now, let's talk about your wedding." "This place is gorgeous and we can control the security." "The Carmichael plantation?" "It did inspire your identity, did it not?" "You thought of everything." " Yeah, well, I always do." "Been great." "Keep in touch." "You guys remember the sheik." " Yeah." "Well, he proposed to me,... and I think I loved him, despite his billions." "Then why didn't you say "yes"?" "Because I hesitated long enough to realize... my head and my heart were saying two different things." "It's this way." " Yeah." "Well, it's a big decision." "Well, it's supposed to be the easiest one you ever make." "Wasn't it?" "Hey, Tabby, this is it... this is the stuff I was telling you about." ""Deep South Glass."" "Oh, yes." "Let's." "What's the matter?" "Oh, my God." "Do we know..." "Mo'?" "Mel?" "Look at these." "It's what happens to sand when it's struck by lightning." "She's pulling your dick." "No, really." "I've seen it." "You just have to dig it up." "Oh, hey, Bryant." "Friend of yours?" "I saw him first." "I, uh..." "think he's already taken." "I tried to call you a couple of times." "Listen, since you're here,... you and your friends should look around and have some lunch." "Y'all should sit on the deck." "It's nice." "Come on, Bryant, let's, uh..." "let's leave this lady alone." "Come on." "Come on, boy." "Yes, sir." "Can we help you?" "I'm..." "I'm looking for a Melanie Carmichael." "Anybody here recognize that name?" "No." "What business you got with her?" "I'm afraid that's a private matter." "Well, then, I'm afraid we can't help you." "Damn reporters." "Like the first ant at a picnic." "Now... this one here's from Louisiana." "See?" "It's got a little alligator on top." "How sweet." "I can see where your daughter gets her taste." "This is one of those disasters waiting to happen." "You know, one of the big ones that only cockroaches survive." "It's going to be fine." "One down..." "7 million to go." "Careful." "You just smashed the state bird of Alabama." "Well, finally." " Hi!" "How are you?" "!" "Hey, buddy." " Hello, sir." "Well, I can see why Melanie is so adorable." "I'm so happy to be here." "We're so happy to have you here." "I'm sorry the place is such a mess, Mrs. Hennings..." "Mayor... ma'am!" "No, no, no, no, no..." "don't you dare." "It's "Kate."" "You know, I've been tryin' to get Earl... to weed these shrubberies and repaint the trim." "And... oh, my God, look how pretty she is, Earl." "Yeah, I'll bet Kate could use a drink." "Kate could, indeed." "Well, just come right on in." "I've got some fried pickles, hot right out of the grease." "Had a lot of trouble getting my house painted, too." "It's a lovely chair, Earl." "Yeah, but to get the full effect, you got to pull this here handle." "Daddy, no!" "Now, you hold onto your drink, Kate, and watch." "We're so sorry, Kate!" " We'll get you up." "Name?" "Uh, Buford..." "Wallace Buford." "I'm not on that list, but I've got some urgent business with the bride." "Not today, you don't." "Trooper?" "All right, sir, let's get it turned around here." "Hey, there's a weddin' goin' on." "Yeah, I heard mention of it a time or two." "I sure hope this weather cooperates." "It's supposed to be a big one." "You know, Jake..." "You're my only son..." "and I love you, but sometimes... you are too much like your daddy." "She made her decision, Mama." "For somebody who's been holdin' onto somethin' so hard,... you're pretty quick to let it go." "You know, I can't control her any more than I can control the weather." "It's just nerves." "You're doin' the right thing." "Am I?" "When I married your daddy... oh, Lord, but I was a fool for that man." "I couldn't put one foot in front of the other." "I remember standing' there, thinkin',..." ""Oh, preacher, hurry up before he changes his mind."" "Look where it got me." "Sometimes that man makes me so mad, I could just wring his neck." "But you still love him." "God knows I do." "And only he knows why." "Mama..." "I think I..." "He can give you a life that we never dreamed of." "And he adores you." "He does, doesn't he?" "Well, even if he is a Yankee, at least he's sober." "Ms. Carmichael!" "Hey!" " Ms. Carmichael!" "Get him!" " Ms. Carmichael!" "Get back here!" "Mr. Buford?" "Get your hands off me!" "Wait!" "Let him go." "Melanie?" "You are one hard woman to get in touch with." "Mr. Buford, he signed the papers." "What are you doing here?" "He did... you didn't." "What?" "You mean I'm still married?" "Well, not unless you want to be." "Oh, for God's sakes, Melanie." "I thought you took care of this." "It's an honest mistake, Andrew." "Well, then, can we fix it before we all get soaked?" "Does anybody have a pen?" "Mom?" " Oh, yeah, sure." "Go on, check your purse." "These things don't just happen, you know." "Can't ride two horses with one ass, sugar bean." "Andrew..." "You don't want to marry me." "I don't?" " No." "No, you don't..." "not really." "You see, the truth is..." "I gave my heart away a long time ago..." "My whole heart... and I never really got it back." "And I don't even know what else to say, but I'm sorry." "I can't marry you." "And you shouldn't want to marry me." "So this is what this feels like." "That's it?" "!" "You're just gonna let her humiliate you... with some bullshit about an old husband?" "!" "Yeah, I think I am." "Excuse me." "In my entire life..." "I have never met anyone so manipulative, so deceitful!" "And I'm in politics!" "I'm just trying to be honest." "I will not allow the future President of the United States... to be dumped at the altar by some psycho Daisy Mae!" "You go after him, you little bitch!" "Wait just a minute, missy." "Uh, there... there's no need for name-callin', now." "Now, she spoke her piece, and that's all there is to it." "Oh, go back to your double-wide and fry something." "Nobody talks to my mama like that!" "Praise the Lord!" "The South has risen again!" "If you're friends of the bride, stick around!" "I'm gonna go find me a groom!" "Hey, cowboy..." "You owe me a dance." "Nice dress." "Where's your husband?" "I'm lookin' at him." "Apparently, you and I are still hitched." "Is that right?" "Why didn't you tell me you came to New York?" "I needed to make somethin' of myself." "About done?" "What is it about you Southern girls?" "You can't make the right decisions 'til you tried all the wrong ones?" "At least I fight for what I want." "Oh, what do you want, Melanie?" "I don't even think you know." "You're the first boy I ever kissed, Jake,... and I want you to be the last." "Maybe you and I had our chance." "Fine!" "Have it your way, you stubborn ass!" "Whatcha want to be married to me for, anyhow?" "So I can kiss you any time I want." "What the hell are you two trying' to do... get yourselves killed?" "!" "What seems to be the trouble, officer?" "I'm here to bring you in, young lady!" "What did she do this time?" "Well, the way I hear it,... seems she run out on a perfectly good cake." "You're gettin' a little light-headed." "Well, folks, look who finally made it to their reception..." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. And Mr. Jake Perry!" "You might want to keep those for the honeymoon." "Well..." "I do believe I owe this lady a dance." "You sure do!" "Shut up, Bryant." " Shut up, Bryant." "Look at this." "Hey, Stella..." "Make it a slow one." "All right, wait." "How are you?" "All right, just stand right here." "And over here we have the, um... kitchen, but who hasn't seen one of those?" "Let's start over here." "Now, this is my favorite room." "It was part of the, um, Underground Railroad." "Why are we whispering?" "The whole place is haunted... by ghosts of, um, the Civil War soldiers." "Jake!" "...buttons." "No wonder we lost the war." "Was that one of 'em?" "Melanie?" "What are you doin' in a closet?" "Hi." "Barry Lowenstein, "New York Post."" "Miss Carmichael is just showing me around the plantation." "Uh, Mr. Lowenstein is writing a piece on the family, you know, since I'm marrying the mayor's son and all." "I had no idea." "Isn't that something?" "Well, a plantation by any other name is just a farm." "But it does roll off the tongue a little sweeter, doesn't it?" "Well, I do believe Miss Melanie forgot her manners." "I'm Bobby Ray... her cousin." "Charmed." "See, when the Yankees marched through Alabama,... they tried to destroy our metal-formin' capabilities... by placing' barrels of powder underneath the anvils." "Of course, all that managed to do... was blow 'em sky-high for a few seconds." "So... in honor of that act of stupidity, we all... we get together to re-create it for the tourists." "What the hell was that?" "!" "Hey, Grandpa!" "This here's Barry!" "He's doin' an article on Melanie's weddin'!" "Never heard of her." "Thanks!" "Well, aren't you just a big, fat liar." "Bobby Ray!" "Oh, go back to New York." "Hello." "I'm sorry about what I said." "Really sorry." "Melanie, forget it." "She was not sharing." "Okay, y'all, you need to eat and be quiet." "We're gonna have us a little visit." "You know, he went up there." "Who?" "Jake?" "When?" "About a year after you left." "He doesn't know I know, but Clinton let it slip once." "Jake was in New York?" "He told Clinton he'd never seen anything like it." "He realized straight off... he'd need more than an apology to win you back." "He needed to conquer the world first." "He's been tryin' ever since." "That's why he kept sending the papers back." "It's funny how things don't work out." "It's funny how they do." "Hey, look who I found hanging' out by the parkin' lot." "Hesitant to join us." "Anybody think of anything in here that, uh, might bother Bobby Ray?" "Uh, Clinton's breath?" "You still the same Bobby Ray from last night?" "Last time I checked, yeah." "Well, then, I'm gonna buy you a drink." "Well, you're really not my type, I mean..." "Oh, honey, you..." "you drink that from the top." "I'm just lookin' to see who makes this Deep South Glass." "I wonder if you can get it in New York." "It's beautiful." "Hey, Jake, Mel would like to know... where she can find some of that snooty-faluty glass." "Why ask me?" "Oh, I don't know." "Maybe because you're..." "You're all spiffed up and... and all." "Am I missin' somethin'?" "Let's show some respect." "When was the last time you pushed me around the floor?" "Clinton here has got two left feet." "Well, Ms. Taylor, I'd be honored." "Let's do it." "Come on." "Come on, Mel, get on out here!" "Well, aren't you the Lord of the Dance?" "I ain't as clumsy as I look." "She just can't keep time." "You might have to prove that to me." "You know, he's pretty good." "It might be you." "Oh, the hell you say." "Let me at him." "Look at them two welded together." "Why do they fight it?" "Maybe we could just talk." "Come on, let's go to the Roadhouse." "What do you say we drive out to Fairview and bowl?" "I don't think so." "Do you want to go harass somebody?" "Hey, I know this great place where we can..." "No!" "Y'all, I think I'm gonna call it a night." "Hi, there, boy." "Sorry it took me so long." "I would have come sooner if I'd known you were sick." "Actually, that's probably not true." "I've been pretty selfish lately." "Dogs don't know anything about that, do they, though?" "You were always like a big old pillow." "Like when everything went pear-shaped... you never left my side." "And then I just left you." "I bet you sat there wondering what you'd done wrong." "I told him it was my fault." "Quit bein' so nice." "It's the truth." "How come it has to be so complicated?" "What?" "Truth... life... this." "He was one hell of a good dog, wasn't he?" "You looked like you were having fun out there tonight." "I'm happy in New York, Jake." "But then I come down here and... this fits, too." "Since when does it have to be one or the other?" "You can have roots and wings, Mel." "Maybe I could just fly south for the winter." "Look." "What?" "There." "Do you see 'em?" "Only you." "You know, I still go out there sometimes." "I see those big thunderheads rollin' in." "It's like a religion." "I had a dream about it the other night." "You ever wonder what would have happened... if we hadn't have gotten pregnant?" "Jake..." "Just... let me get this out before I can't." "I thought that baby would be an adventure." "And it took me a while to realize... it would have been your only adventure." "I just guess Mother Nature knew better, huh?" "I was so ashamed... 'cause I felt... relieved." "And all of a sudden, I just..." "needed a different life." "You done real well for yourself." "I'm proud of you, Mel." "I'm just sorry I never danced with you at our weddin'." "I'm sure this next one's gonna go better for ya." "Jake, I can't do this." "I know." "Go home." "Well, I'm just sayin', is all." "I mean, I..." "I saw the way you two were lookin' at each other." "Will you just shut up about it, Mama?" "!" "I can't help the way Jake feels about me!" "He hasn't done anything wrong!" "He hasn't done anything right either!" "I can't believe I'm even having this argument!" "I'm leaving!" "I'm gone!" "I'm marrying another man!" "Yes, that's right, you get a second chance, so please don't mess it up!" "For who?" "For me or for you?" "Don't sass me, okay?" "Don't you dare sass me, 'cause I have put up with an awful lot from you over the years." "Like what?" "!" "Like me quitting your precious pageants?" "I didn't want you to end up like me!" "Damn it!" "Now, you need to stay as far away from here as you can." "That boy is quicksand." "What's so wrong with being you, Mama?" "I just think that you deserve better, that's all." "I know you do." "You always have." "I'll see you in New York, all right?" "You'll like it." "I promise." "Now, don't you forget to say goodbye to your daddy." "Fire!" "Daddy?" "Daddy!" "Who ya lookin' for, darlin'?" "Earl Smooter." "5th Regiment?" "Anybody seen Earl Smooter?" "He's about to surrender!" "Thank you!" "After you." "Afternoon." "How are ya?" " Good, thanks." "Yourself?" "No complaints." "That's a beautiful house." "Sure." "Yeah." "You, uh, you here to see Bobby Ray?" "Actually, I'm, uh, hoping to surprise Melanie." "Melanie?" " My fiancee." "You got the wrong house, don't ya?" "This is, uh, the Carmichael place, isn't it?" "Are we talkin' about the same girl?" "Melanie Smooter?" " Melanie Carmichael." "Oh, well, that explains it." "That sure does." "Andrew Hennings." "Nice meeting you, Jake." "Hey, Jake." "What's goin' on?" "Oh, you know, I'm just, uh, talkin' to Mel's fiance here." "Wonder if you might know where she is." "Andrew Hennings." "You must be..." "I'm Bobby Ray..." "her, uh, cousin?" "I see you've already met Jake... her, uh..." "Other cousin." "Family!" "God, it's great to meet you both." "I think Melanie said somethin' last night... about, uh, visiting' her daddy up at the... up at the battlefield." "The battlefield?" " You know us Southerners." "I mean, the minute the Confederacy died, it became a moral issue." "Come on, I'll, uh, I'll give you a ride up there." "That's great." "Thank you." "All right." "Nice meeting you." "So, who's..." "Melanie..." "Smooter?" "Local hero around here." "Why is that?" "She blew up the bank." "And that made her a hero?" "Well, notorious, anyway." "She was 10." "Fortunately, nobody was hurt..." "except, maybe, the cat." "What cat?" "The one with the dynamite on its back." "She blew up a cat?" "He was scheduled to die." " From dynamite?" "The vet said it had cancer,... so Eldon thought it'd be put in one of those chambers,... you know, the ones that suck their lungs out." "Little Mel, she couldn't bear the thought of that." "She, uh, she wanted somethin' more humane." "Yeah, sure." "So, they were doing some blasting' out by the new highway." "So, we, uh, we took old Fuzz up there, taped him up." "Used about 30 feet of fuse just to be on the safe side,... said our prayers, and ran like hell." "Of course." "So, there we were, sittin' in Virgie's Diner, feelin' pretty blue." "When Mel looks up and sees that damn cat,... trotting' down the road, searching' for Eldon." "No shit." "Yeah, and we would have caught him, too,... but once that fuse hit his tail, boom, he took off like a shot." "And into the bank." "Well... the theory is,... he probably wriggled loose from the explosive." "'Cause, uh, people still see him from time to time, scorched tail and all." "He's a little skittish around humans." "That's quite a story." "She was quite a girl." "Whatever happened to her?" "Oh, you know..." "wound up pregnant,... married some loser right out of high school." "Are you surprised?" "What are you doing here?" "Well, I came to deliver your fiance." "I think she was talking to me." "Jake..." "Must be exhausting'." "What?" " What?" "Livin' a lie." "What's he talking about?" "You and I are in love with two different people." "Is he a second cousin?" "He's my husband." "Your what?" "I mean my ex-husband." "You married your cousin?" "!" "No, I came down here to finalize my divorce." "Hey, darlin', thought that was you." "Must be your new someone." "Earl Smooter..." "glad to meet ya." "Melanie Smooter." "Andrew, wait." "Wait!" "Andrew!" "Wait!" "I just..." "Please." "Let me try and explain myself!" "You don't understand!" "This is not who I am anymore!" "Look, I don't know who you are or what else you lied about,... but I know one thing... there is a Lear Jet in Mobile, and I am on it." "I know you're thinkin'" "I spoiled things good this time." "Oh, hon, don't go accusing' me of thinkin'." "I ain't done anything of the sort." "Anyway, spoiled's in the eye of the beholder... like these plums here." "Some people might call them "spoiled"... but I think that, um, these almost-ruined ones... sometimes make the sweetest jam." "Do you need any help?" "It was kind of fun, seeing Daddy up there, surrendering." "He sure does have a flair for the dramatic." "You certainly don't get it from my side of the family." "Hey, y'all." "Look who I found walking' down I-58." "I thought you'd be halfway to New York by now." "So did I." "If I'd known company was comin', I'd have put on the dog." "This is my mama." "She makes the best jam in three counties." "And my dad..." "you... you already met him." "And this is our home." "This is where I grew up." "Well, it's a pleasure meeting you both." "I'm..." "Andrew Hennings..." "Melanie's fiance... well... that is... if..." "if she'll still have me." "I really don't care what happened down here." "So... you have a past." "I mean, who doesn't?" "What I need to know is if there is a place for me in your future." "Oh, good Lord." "That is the sweetest thing." "Well, go on." "Oh!" "Hello, New York City!" "Woman, what the hell you gassing' about?" "Well, sir... my mother happens to be the mayor up there, and, uh,... she'd like nothing better than a big, snazzy New York wedding." "Yeah, I suppose I can take off work." "Andrew, I, um... actually, I was thinking,... maybe we could have the wedding here." "Here." "In my hometown." "Look, Mel, if you're worried about the money, don't." "It's not about the money, Andrew... not down here." "You know..." "a lot of people are expecting us to get married in the city,... but I think a nice, quiet, country wedding is just the ticket." "Pearl, if you... if you folks could take care of the rehearsal dinner,..." "I'd really like to take care of the rest." "Well, I think we could cover that." "How many times does your only daughter get married?" "Other than before." "Felony Melanie?" "She was never convicted." "I don't know which is worse... child cat killer or sons of the Confederacy." "What would you suggest I do..." "dump her for being poor?" "You're supposed to be a Democrat, remember?" "There is nothing wrong with being poor." "I get elected by poor people and..." "I'm a big enough person to commend her for making something of herself." "What upsets me is that she lied to you." "So what?" "She was ashamed of her background." "Who hasn't been embarrassed by their parents at one point?" "I'm going to assume that was a rhetorical question." "Assume away." "No one is going to change my mind about this... not you, not the media, not anyone." "Fine... but admit it..." "I was right." "Yes... you were right." "There is a wedding in your future, whether you like it or not." "And how, exactly, does Little Miss Alabama plan to accommodate 500 people?" "I suppose she has connections at the jail." "Well, there are several excellent choices... the Travelodge, Days Inn, a Motel 6,... oh, and the Golden Cherry Motel, where we will be." "Laugh now, but if this gets out..." "It won't." "The press expects the Plaza in June." "Now, let's talk about your wedding." "This place is gorgeous and we can control the security." "The Carmichael plantation?" "It did inspire your identity, did it not?" "You thought of everything." " Yeah, well, I always do." "Been great." "Keep in touch." "You guys remember the sheik." " Yeah." "Well, he proposed to me,... and I think I loved him, despite his billions." "Then why didn't you say "yes"?" "Because I hesitated long enough to realize... my head and my heart were saying two different things." "It's this way." " Yeah." "Well, it's a big decision." "Well, it's supposed to be the easiest one you ever make." "Wasn't it?" "Hey, Tabby, this is it... this is the stuff I was telling you about." ""Deep South Glass."" "Oh, yes." "Let's." "What's the matter?" "Oh, my God." "Do we know..." "Mo'?" "Mel?" "Look at these." "It's what happens to sand when it's struck by lightning." "She's pulling your dick." "No, really." "I've seen it." "You just have to dig it up." "Oh, hey, Bryant." "Friend of yours?" "I saw him first." "I, uh..." "think he's already taken." "I tried to call you a couple of times." "Listen, since you're here,... you and your friends should look around and have some lunch." "Y'all should sit on the deck." "It's nice." "Come on, Bryant, let's, uh..." "let's leave this lady alone." "Come on." "Come on, boy." "Yes, sir." "Can we help you?" "I'm..." "I'm looking for a Melanie Carmichael." "Anybody here recognize that name?" "No." "What business you got with her?" "I'm afraid that's a private matter." "Well, then, I'm afraid we can't help you." "Damn reporters." "Like the first ant at a picnic." "Now... this one here's from Louisiana." "See?" "It's got a little alligator on top." "How sweet." "I can see where your daughter gets her taste." "This is one of those disasters waiting to happen." "You know, one of the big ones that only cockroaches survive." "It's going to be fine." "One down..." "7 million to go." "Careful." "You just smashed the state bird of Alabama." "Well, finally." " Hi!" "How are you?" "!" "Hey, buddy." " Hello, sir." "Well, I can see why Melanie is so adorable." "I'm so happy to be here." "We're so happy to have you here." "I'm sorry the place is such a mess, Mrs. Hennings..." "Mayor... ma'am!" "No, no, no, no, no..." "don't you dare." "It's "Kate."" "You know, I've been tryin' to get Earl... to weed these shrubberies and repaint the trim." "And... oh, my God, look how pretty she is, Earl." "Yeah, I'll bet Kate could use a drink." "Kate could, indeed." "Well, just come right on in." "I've got some fried pickles, hot right out of the grease." "Had a lot of trouble getting my house painted, too." "It's a lovely chair, Earl." "Yeah, but to get the full effect, you got to pull this here handle." "Daddy, no!" "Now, you hold onto your drink, Kate, and watch." "We're so sorry, Kate!" " We'll get you up." "Name?" "Uh, Buford..." "Wallace Buford." "I'm not on that list, but I've got some urgent business with the bride." "Not today, you don't." "Trooper?" "All right, sir, let's get it turned around here." "Hey, there's a weddin' goin' on." "Yeah, I heard mention of it a time or two." "I sure hope this weather cooperates." "It's supposed to be a big one." "You know, Jake..." "You're my only son..." "and I love you, but sometimes... you are too much like your daddy." "She made her decision, Mama." "For somebody who's been holdin' onto somethin' so hard,... you're pretty quick to let it go." "You know, I can't control her any more than I can control the weather." "It's just nerves." "You're doin' the right thing." "Am I?" "When I married your daddy... oh, Lord, but I was a fool for that man." "I couldn't put one foot in front of the other." "I remember standing' there, thinkin',..." ""Oh, preacher, hurry up before he changes his mind."" "Look where it got me." "Sometimes that man makes me so mad, I could just wring his neck." "But you still love him." "God knows I do." "And only he knows why." "Mama..." "I think I..." "He can give you a life that we never dreamed of." "And he adores you." "He does, doesn't he?" "Well, even if he is a Yankee, at least he's sober." "Ms. Carmichael!" "Hey!" " Ms. Carmichael!" "Get him!" " Ms. Carmichael!" "Get back here!" "Mr. Buford?" "Get your hands off me!" "Wait!" "Let him go." "Melanie?" "You are one hard woman to get in touch with." "Mr. Buford, he signed the papers." "What are you doing here?" "He did... you didn't." "What?" "You mean I'm still married?" "Well, not unless you want to be." "Oh, for God's sakes, Melanie." "I thought you took care of this." "It's an honest mistake, Andrew." "Well, then, can we fix it before we all get soaked?" "Does anybody have a pen?" "Mom?" " Oh, yeah, sure." "Go on, check your purse." "These things don't just happen, you know." "Can't ride two horses with one ass, sugar bean." "Andrew..." "You don't want to marry me." "I don't?" " No." "No, you don't..." "not really." "You see, the truth is..." "I gave my heart away a long time ago..." "My whole heart... and I never really got it back." "And I don't even know what else to say, but I'm sorry." "I can't marry you." "And you shouldn't want to marry me." "So this is what this feels like." "That's it?" "!" "You're just gonna let her humiliate you... with some bullshit about an old husband?" "!" "Yeah, I think I am." "Excuse me." "In my entire life..." "I have never met anyone so manipulative, so deceitful!" "And I'm in politics!" "I'm just trying to be honest." "I will not allow the future President of the United States... to be dumped at the altar by some psycho Daisy Mae!" "You go after him, you little bitch!" "Wait just a minute, missy." "Uh, there... there's no need for name-callin', now." "Now, she spoke her piece, and that's all there is to it." "Oh, go back to your double-wide and fry something." "Nobody talks to my mama like that!" "Praise the Lord!" "The South has risen again!" "If you're friends of the bride, stick around!" "I'm gonna go find me a groom!" "Hey, cowboy..." "You owe me a dance." "Nice dress." "Where's your husband?" "I'm lookin' at him." "Apparently, you and I are still hitched." "Is that right?" "Why didn't you tell me you came to New York?" "I needed to make somethin' of myself." "About done?" "What is it about you Southern girls?" "You can't make the right decisions 'til you tried all the wrong ones?" "At least I fight for what I want." "Oh, what do you want, Melanie?" "I don't even think you know." "You're the first boy I ever kissed, Jake,... and I want you to be the last." "Maybe you and I had our chance." "Fine!" "Have it your way, you stubborn ass!" "Whatcha want to be married to me for, anyhow?" "So I can kiss you any time I want." "What the hell are you two trying' to do... get yourselves killed?" "!" "What seems to be the trouble, officer?" "I'm here to bring you in, young lady!" "What did she do this time?" "Well, the way I hear it,... seems she run out on a perfectly good cake." "You're gettin' a little light-headed." "Well, folks, look who finally made it to their reception..." "Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. And Mr. Jake Perry!" "You might want to keep those for the honeymoon." "Well..." "I do believe I owe this lady a dance." "You sure do!" "Shut up, Bryant." " Shut up, Bryant." "Look at this." "Hey, Stella..." "Make it a slow one." "All right, wait." "How are you?" "All right, just stand right here."