"NARRATOR"." "When last we saw the Caped Crusader he was at the altar about to be married to the diabolical Marsha, Queen of Diamonds." "Only the words "I do" stand between him and the bonds of wedlock." "I." "I." "Say "I do."" " I..." " Stop the wedding." "This is no time for pranks, my good man." "We are in the midst of a sacred ceremony." "I assure you, sir, this is no prank." "Who are you?" "Ethelbert Soames, solicitor at law with the firm of Soames, Stillwell and Thistlewaite Liverpool, England." "My card." "My card." "My card." " What has this to do with the wedding?" "Allow me to present my client." "Formerly Miss Henrietta Tillitson of Morton in the Marsh, Gloucestershire." "What do you mean "formerly"?" "I mean that for the last seven years, she has been Mrs. Batman." "Mrs. Batman?" "Yes." "If you'd care to examine the wedding certificate." "Duly attested by the registrar at Morton in the Marsh and, uh, dated seven years ago." "Why didn't you tell me about this, Batman?" " Eh, uh" " It slipped my mind." "Slipped your mind, indeed." "I am not in the practice of marrying bigamists." "Why, you two-timing Batfink!" "How dare you leave a poor, defenseless girl waiting at the altar?" "Not poor, I hope, madam." "We are instituting a lawsuit for $1 million for the alienation of the husband's affections." "Ah!" "Let's get out of here." "Mrs. Cooper." "Why, I wasn't sure you'd remember me, Batman." "Of course I remember you." "I've always treasured our brief meetings." "And I certainly wanna thank you for the help you gave me here today." "Oh, I'm glad." "I was afraid you'd be angry with us for stretching the truth the way we did." "Not under the circumstances, believe me." "If we can be of any further service, sir." " As a matter of fact, Mr..." "Alfred will do, sir." "As a matter of fact, Alfred, yes." "Robin is out of commission, I'd appreciate it if you would accompany me in the Batmobile." "Certainly, sir." "I've always wanted to ride in that ingenious vehicle." "Good." "Again my thanks, Mrs. Cooper." "You were truly superb." "Oh, Bruce will never believe it when I tell him." "We'll have to get to Robin as soon as possible." "We'll have to drive it as it is." "Anticipating an emergency, sir, I've brought along a kit of Bat Antidotes." "Good thinking, Alfred." "Incidentally, I forged the marriage certificate on the Bat Printer." "A remarkable invention of yours, if I may say so." "Yes, it did the job this time." "The sleep potion I gave before the wedding is still in effect." "Good." "Pump another potion into Boy Wonder there and he'll worship me forever." "Then I'll make him lead me to the Batcave, and the Bat Diamond will be mine." "Hurry, hurry!" "Before that Bat Bigamist partner of his shows up." "Yes, Your Highness." "Where are my Guardians?" "They were held up in traffic, Your Highness." "Forget the Boy Wonder." "Out this door." "Never mind about them, Alfred." "Our first concern is Robin." "Quickly!" "The Bat Antidotes." "We'll use the general all-purpose Bat Antidote and hope that it takes effect." "Robin." "Robin." "It looks like it's working, Alfred." "What happened, Batman?" "How did I get in here?" "It's a long story, Robin." "I'll explain later." "Alfred, give Chief O'Hara and the commissioner each one of those tablets." " Tell the commissioner to meet me at the office." "Yes, sir." " Think you can make it, Robin?" "I think so." " I feel woozy." "I know." "We'll take you to the Batcave where you can get some rest." "And we can try to deduce the Queen of Diamonds' next move." "She'll stop at nothing to get her hands on the Bat Diamond." "Can't an old lady take a bath without being interrupted?" "Your potion failed, darling." "Miserably." "A good hot bath does wonders for the arthritis." "Please, darling, pay attention when I'm talking to you." "What is it, deary?" "The potion?" "Oh, yes." "Well, I knew it wouldn't work." "Those newts I've been getting lately are very poor quality." "Well, you're going to have to think of something else." "I have to get inside that Batcave." "I've been in dozens of bat caves, deary." "They're very dull." "This is a very special Batcave." "Take it from me, when you've seen one bat cave, you've seen them all." "Suppose you let me worry about that." "You're going to have to think of something to put those caped clowns in my power." "Oh, all right, darling." "All right." "Fetch me my recipe book." "It's over there." "Is this the one?" "Is there a buzzard's tongue lying next to it?" "Yes." "Ew." "Then that's the one, deary." "Ah." "How about a potion to make them vanish?" "No, no, no, darling." "I want them to lead me to the Batcave and the Bat Diamond." "Just put them in my power." "Here's a nice little potion that turns them into tigers." "Too large, darling." "Mosquitoes?" " Too small, darling." "Ha-ha-ha." "Here's an old potion I haven't used in years." "It turns them into nice fuzzy little rabbits." "That's the one." "Unless, of course, they have type-O blood in which case it turns them into giant boa constrictors." "Find another potion, darling." "The Bat Diamond." "What about it, Robin?" "To think it's the cause of all this trouble." "People call it many different things, old chum." "Passion, lust, desire, avarice." "But the simplest and most understandable word is "greed."" "Why would Marsha want that particular diamond?" "She can't wear it." "You can't wear Michelangelos." "You can't wear vintage cars or old stamps or coins." "But to certain collectors, they're a way of life." "In fact, life itself." "Cars and stamps and coins I can understand." "But where would she find a place to put that diamond of that size?" "That's an academic question, Robin." "She's not going to get it." "Gosh, I hope not." "When you got me out of that bird cage, you said it was a long story and you'd explain it later." "Just what happened?" "To you?" "The same thing that happened to me." "A cupid's dart." "I felt it." "But she said it wasn't poisoned." "Probably not in the true sense of the word "poison" but certainly it contained some secret ingredient by which your sense and your will were affected." "We were shot by the same type of dart and it didn't affect you the same way." "Oh, it did, Robin. it did." "I just called on all my resources to combat it." "I called on all mine too, but all of a sudden, there I was on my knees, worshiping her." "Oh, it's merely the difference of a few years, old chum." "An older head can't be put on younger shoulders." "Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara have older heads, look what happened to them." "Yes, I know." "It wasn't pretty." "But first things first." "If you're back in fighting form, let's have a go at the Batcomputer." "Instead of Marsha finding the Bat Diamond perhaps the Bat Diamond can lead us to Marsha." "We know she's surrounded by diamonds, and perhaps if we set the Batradar at the emanating frequency of diamonds we could calculate the reflection pattern of the diamonds." "Make them show up on the Batradar screen and then figure out the coordinates." "Right." "All set, Batman." "What are the numbers?" "Got it, Batman." "The coordinates are four, six, seven and nine, eight, one." "Four, six, seven." "Nine, eight, one." "Elevation?" "Holy stalactites, Batman." "The elevation is minus 80." "Minus 80." " Just as I thought." "Where is it?" "Yes?" "It's good to hear your voice, commissioner." "And yours, Batman." "If it hadn't been for you, the chief and I would be singing love songs to that woman." "And if it hadn't been for that resourceful citizen who saved me at the altar I'd be on my honeymoon right now." "I'd like to send that wretched creature on a honeymoon to state prison." "And I think I know where she is." "It wouldn't be that basement of the building we were in, would it?" "Why, yes." "She made a remark about visiting her aunt there." "But how could you possibly know?" "Occasionally, we men come up with a few tricks too, commissioner." "Robin and I are on our way there." "Be careful, Batman." "She may be waiting for you." "Don't worry, commissioner." "We'll be ready for her." "There is no mystery that man can't solve." "Be careful, Batman." "There are some mysteries no man can solve." "As Batman said, if it hadn't been for you, he'd be on his honeymoon right now." "The Caped Crusader is too kind." "After all, I only did what any citizen of Gotham City would have done." "And lucky you did, sir." "Yes." "Good thinking, and very inventive, I might add." "Producing a past wife of Batman's who never existed." "Ha, ha." "Oh, but she very definitely exists, sir." "Batman's ex-wife?" "No, no, no." "The lady who played the part, sir." "Mrs. Harriet Cooper, Dick Grayson's aunt." "In fact, it was her idea." "I'm giving credit where credit is due." "Now I know where I've heard your voice before." "Aren't you Alfred, the Wayne butler?" "Yes." "Yes, sir, I am." "Well, Alfred, if I ever need a wife on the spur of the moment, I'll know" "Begorra, I forgot." "Bonnie said that my wife called when I was out and I haven't called her back." "The same with me, Chief O'Hara." "For the same reason, Commissioner Gordon?" "Well, being a wife, I'm sure she wonders about my temporary absence from the office as well as from home." "And being a husband, what do you plan to tell her?" "The truth." "What else?" "That you were hit by a cupid's dart?" "That you pleaded for the Queen of Diamonds' love on your knees?" "That you were locked in a gilded cage?" "It does sound rather far-fetched, doesn't it?" "Sure, and I couldn't have made up such a story myself." "The wife never would believe it." "If I may interject a thought." " Please do." "Please do." "My experience with women has been that they tend to believe what they want to believe." "So knowing you both to be conscientious gentlemen and faithful husbands I'm sure that if you just tell both your wives that you were involved in some special and, uh, confidential assignment that will suffice." "Have you ever been married?" "Eh" " Well, no, no." "Alfred, at the risk of sounding pompous experience with women and experience with wives are two vastly different things." "Amen." "Well, we've all learned something from this little escapade, have we not?" "And now if you'll excuse me, I must be getting back to my duties at Wayne Manor." " Of course, Alfred, and thank you again." "Commissioner." "Chief O'Hara." "If you care to use my private phone to call home, Chief O'Hara." " After you, Commissioner Gordon." "Oh, no, no, no, please." "After you." "No, sir." "No, sir." "It's your office and your phone." "You go right ahead." "Are you sure this potion will work, darling?" "I think so, deary." "Of course there's always a certain amount of luck in these things, you know." "Once, when I was a chemistry professor at Vassar, I" "Darling, please, enough of your academic past." "Let's concentrate on the present." "Now, Batman and Robin have already tripped the outer alarm." "They should be on their way down here right now." "Ah." "Our guinea pigs have arrived." "Holy trolls and goblins." "Welcome, darlings." "Welcome to Aunt Hilda's little den." " She has a surprise for you." "Careful, Robin." "I'm sorry, Batman, but I'm afraid I must turn you and Robin into mice." " Mice?" "Mice?" "Whee!" "What is it, Batman?" "I can't tell, Robin." "It seems harmless enough." " You bumbling old hag, you failed again!" "That's no way to talk to an old lady." "You mind your own business, Boy Wonder." "You're going to be in enough trouble as it is." "Yes, Your Highness?" "Dispatch them." "Yes, Your Highness." "A caldron of creeps, Batman." "Well put, Robin." "I'm sure this one will work." "It's guaranteed to turn them into lizards." "You said the last one would have them running around on the floor squeaking." "This time I'll add a little more, just to make sure." "Missed again." "I don't know what's wrong." "Nothing seems to be working today." "This one has to work." "It's one of my best potions." "It better be, darling." "My Guardians are falling like ninepins." "Oh!" "Another zero." "Playtime is over, darling." "Let the grownups take charge." "Diamond dozing gas, Batman." "Try not to breathe." "This is my most powerful potion." "It's never failed." "Like all the others?" "I'll guarantee this will turn them into a pair of toads." "I'll stake my reputation on it." "You haven't much to lose." "A pair of wriggling little toads." "No word yet from Batman." "L" " I'm getting worried, chief." "Me too, commissioner." "That felonious female is a devilish customer, all right." "Batman and Robin can handle any male criminal in Gotham City but when it comes to women" "When it comes to women, Batman's the big loser, darling." "A very big loser." "What kind of trickery is this?" " Where are Batman and Robin?" "Right here." "Say hello to the commissioner, Bat Toad." "The woman's gone daft." "She's taken leave of her senses." "I'm afraid it's true, commissioner." "We're right here." "She's got us." "Saints preserve us." "The whole world's come unhinged." "I'll take Circe." "Say something to Chief O'Hara, Robin Toad." "Holy hors d'oeuvres, Chief O'Hara." "Keep that cat away from us." "Robin, you poor boy." "Commissioner, is it possible?" "Chief, I just don't know." "But you remember what she did to us with that love potion of hers." "She's diabolical, all right." "The Dynamic Duo a pair of toads?" "Oh, what will become of Gotham City now?" "I don't know about Gotham City, darlings but Batman and Robin will become cat food unless I get my hands on the Bat Diamond." "Oh." "Batman what should we do?" "Better do what she says, commissioner." "Otherwise, Robin and I will end up inside that fat cat." "Gosh, Batman, I'm too young to be eaten." "Don't worry, Robin." "I'm sure Commissioner Gordon will cooperate with the Queen of Diamonds." "But, Batman, I don't know where the Batcave is." "That's right, Batman." "Nobody does but you and Robin." "I'm sure you could find out if you use that darling red phone." "Should we do it, Batman?" "Yes, commissioner." " Oh, commissioner." "Yes, Batman?" "Never mind the phone." " Who said that?" "Not me, Your Highness." "The real Batman said it." "Look over here." "The Dynamic Duo themselves." "Saints be praised." "You're not toads after all." "No, we're quite human, Chief O'Hara." "But, Batman, how could those two toads talk just like you and Robin?" "Oh, darling, it was a simple little prank." " Some prank." "The Queen of Diamonds was relying on the Grand Mogul's ability as a ventriloquist to deceive you." "But, Batman, the Bat Toad talked in your noble voice just a moment ago." "So it did." "You see, Batman knows a trick or two about ventriloquism." "And a few tricks about getting out of barred cells." "I was wondering how you managed that, darling." "Thanks to the extraordinary transmitting powers of the Bat Diamond which you've been after we were able to carry on some long-distance computations in the Batcave." "After we wired the bars of the cell to convert them to a radio aerial." "You see, the tumbler lock on the cell door only had 3,724,521 possible combinations." "Child's play for the Batcomputer." "That was very clever of you, darling." "Take care of them." "Take care of them, I said." " Pinned like a wriggling toad." "So..." "Well, I suppose this is the end of my little romp, eh, darlings?" "A one- to 10-year end, at least." "I just hope it's taught you that diamonds aren't necessarily a girl's best friend, Marsha." "Oh, Batman, darling you are so divinely square." "Now, girls, after you've added the baking powder and salt throw in a dash of ground lizard to give it flavor." "Ground lizard?" "Did I say ground lizard?" "I meant garlic, of course." "Then a teaspoon-full of oregano." "All the time Aunt Hilda was a frustrated cook." "Yes, I think she'll be much happier with her recipes than with her potions." "I just hope she doesn't turn the students into toads." "Bruce, would you believe it if I told you I have a wart on my thumb?" "Yes, I'd believe it, Dick." "But who else would?" "NARRATOR"." "Next week, Cliff Robertson as Shame corrals the Caped Crusaders."