"[Brake Sets]" "¤ [Humming]" " [Rings]" " Hello?" "No." "You got the wrong number." "Yeah, but ain't no Thelma here, man." "¤ [Lounge]" "[Blows Nose]" "[Muttering]" "[Garbage Disposal Grinds] [Grunts]" "[Choking, Whimpering]" "[Whimpering, Screams]" " [Disposal Stops] - [Gasping]" "[Water Running]" "[Water Shuts Off]" "Jesus!" "[Phone Rings]" "[Continues Ringing] I'm comin'!" "What?" "Man, there ain't no Thelma here!" "[No Audible Dialogue]" " [Electricity Crackling] - [Screeches]" "[Panting]" "God." "[TVSizzling]" "[Creaking]" "[Loud Crash]" "[Phone Rings]" "[Continues Ringing]" "[Ringing Stops] [Shouting] What?" "Ain't no fuckin' Thelma here, man!" "Look, the bitch don't live here!" "Fuck you too!" "[Screams] Shit!" "Fuck!" "[Grunts, Screams]" "[Screaming]" "Hello." "I'm Dr. Warren G. Easterbrook," "Chairman of the President's Commission on Education, and I would like to talk to you about an ever-growing problem... the short attention span of today's youth." "Weaned as they are on television, young people today... can't seem to pay attention for more than a few mo..." "[Man] Pethouse Video presents an in-depth... up close and personal look... at Pethouse Plaything Taryn Steele." "[Woman Narrating] Oh, so many neat things have happened to me in my life... being named homecoming queen, making the cheerleading squad." "But the neatest thing ever was when I was recently chosen... the Pethouse Plaything of the Month." "But being a Plaything hasn't changed me." "I'm still the same Taryn." "When I was first chosen, I was, like, really immature." "But I've grown so much since then." "I can hardly believe it's me." "I'm a beach person and a night person." "I really feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live in California, 'cause we've got it all..." "the mountains, the sun." "And, like, there's no humidity." "It really blows me away." "Here, out of the public eye, I can just fade into the crowd." "In New York, I get hassled all the time." "I don't understand it." "Laguna offers me peace and solitude... away from the pressure ofbeing a Plaything." "Here in Laguna, I can just let my mind go blank." "Art is my life." "I love to browse Laguna's art galleries, and my dream is to one day... have some of my things hanging here." "But my real strength comes from my family... and my strong religious upbringing." "I'll always be grateful to my mom and dad and the values they've given me, which help me take on the awesome responsibilities... of Plaything of the Month." "Selma, look at this reception." "[Click] Beaver, did you bring home a note from your teacher today?" "Oh, no, Dad." "That's one of your jokes I haven't heard before." "[Woman] Record warm temperatures tomorrow." "Unbelievable!" "Best investment I ever made. [Kiss]" "[Weathercaster Continues, Indistinct]" "[Sighs]" "You haven't been out of this house in two weeks." "Lows will warm up just a bit." "What the hell has happened to my remote?" "Sunny skies for the remainder of the day." "Murray?" "Embedded in those clouds." "And here in the southern..." "Excuse me, sir." "We're on the air." "Selma!" "Get me out of here!" "I must've pressed the wrong button." "Murray, what are you doing on the weather?" "I don't know." "Press something." "Bring me back!" "Here!" "[Man] Swung on, and it's a high fly ball to center field." "Wait a minute!" "There's a fan on the field!" "[Crowd Booing]" "¤ Make me wanna stay If this is it ¤" "¤ Doo wah ¤ Now I'm trapped in a rock video!" "Anything but this!" "¤ If this ain't love you better let me go ¤" " ¤ If this is it ¤ - ¤ Doo wah ¤" "Selma!" "Help me!" "¤ If this ain't love, baby ¤ Wait." "Wait." "Selma!" "I'm looking for the booklet." "¤ [Ominous] Oh, no." "I'm in black and white." "Where am I?" " Selma!" " [Growling]" "[Murray] Help!" "Selma!" "Selma!" "This is what you get for throwing out the directions." "Help!" "Help me!" "¤ [Mellow Jazz] [Gasps]" "Here you can leave me for the night." "You should be so lucky." "Yech!" "[Twittering]" " [Chuckling]" " Where am I?" "You're on the Disney Channel." "At least I know you won't catch anything there." "Fun is fun, Selma, but I want to come home. [Chuckling] I'm trying." "[Man] 500 million people are watching via satellite... as the president and first lady deplane for this historic Moscow visit." "They look fit and rested." "Wait a minute." "An unidentified man has emerged from Air Force One." "He seems, believe it or not, to be clad only in his underwear." "The Secret Service have grabbed him." "Where am I?" "I'm innocent!" "But who is he and how did he get on board?" "I was only watching television!" "He appears to be deranged." "Help!" "Selma!" "[Man] I'm so proud of you, Brenda, getting through the delivery without any anesthetic." "Well, I had the best Lamaze coach in the world." "When do we get to see the baby?" "It's been eight hours." "Well, you remember the film they showed us in class." "There's all kinds of tests they have to perform on a newborn child." "So..." "That's true." "Ah!" "There's my favorite couple." " Mr. And Mrs. Flanders." " That's Landers." "Right, right." "Flanders is uremic poisoning on 39." " So." " Um..." "Nice stitch work, if I say so myself." "Doctor, we'd like to see our son." "The nurses keep giving us the runaround." "I'd like nothing better than to bring you both your son, but have you looked around this hospital?" "There are sick people here." "I just saw this old guy in the hallway with these gnarly scabs all over his body." "Gross me out!" "[Gags, Shudders]" " I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey..." " Nicholas." "To that." "I've got a solemn oath to uphold here." "Doctor," "Brenda and I are both Lamaze graduates, and we've never heard of quarantining a healthy infant before." "Ooh, Lamaze." "Well, I forgot that you spent three whole weekends sitting on a floor... learning how to breathe." "I had to get by on a degree from Harvard Medical School!" "Please, it's important to us to see our child." "You've heard of bonding." "Uh..." "Doctor." "We'd like to spend a little quality time with our son, please." "A little quality time with your son?" "That would be beautiful." "You people." "[Scoffs]" "What's with that guy?" "[Woman On P.A.] Mrs. Fernandez, front desk." "He's supposed to be the top man in his field." "Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey, we're going..." "Nicholas!" "[Doctor] Here we go." " Here's the little tyke." " [Both] Oh!" "Okay, that's enough germs." "Wait!" "Wait a minute." "We haven't even seen him yet." "Go ahead, breathe all over him." "I don't care." "What is this, some kind of sick practical joke?" "What are you talking about?" "He's got your eyes." "Take that hideous thing away." "Come on." "They all look like this at first." "You see, when the baby passes through the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy." "He should round out in a couple days." "Promise." "That's not a baby." "That's a Mr. Potato Head." "Harry, call the hospital administrator." "Hey!" "You're right." "This is a Mr. Potato Head." "Gosh, they're so lifelike." "Anybody could've made this mistake." "I'll be right back with the real Nicholas." "Harry, what are they doing to us?" "Calm down, Brenda." "Calm down." "We don't want you to get postpartum anxiety." "Now, as soon as we get our son, I'm going to report this quack." "Thank God you took that assertiveness training course." "Yeah." "Here's the little tyke." "[Chuckling]" "You've been a naughty little baby." "Yes, you have. [Sighs]" "Playing peekaboo with Mommy and Daddy." "About time." "Nick, it's your dad." "He's got a strong, determined jaw just like his old man there." "[Imitates Baby Cooing And Crying]" "Whoops." "[Imitates Baby Crying]" " Great." "Now you made him cry." " I don't believe this." "[Continues Imitating Baby Crying]" "Is this okay?" "Would you rather breast-feed him?" "Get away from me!" "I'm gonna kill you!" "[Gasps] What kind of hospital is this?" "All right, Mr. And Mrs. Lamaze!" "You see, due to a slight clerical error, your son has been temporarily misplaced." " You lost our son?" " Did I say lost?" "I said misplaced!" "I'm suing you for... for malpractice, negligence... you name it!" "Just jump all over me!" "What about the nine kids I didn't lose this week?" "My baby!" "What have they done with my baby?" "It was your fault." "If you hadn't distracted me with that video equipment in the delivery room," "I might not have misplaced your little brat!" " Doctor." "We found him." " See?" "He was down the hall in the laundry hamper. [Both] Oh!" "Oh, he's beautiful." "I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves." "All this hysteria when he was safe and sound not 20 feet from this room." "Doctor, you're due in surgery for that kidney transplant." "Where's the donor organ?" "The donor organ?" "God, I had it with me when I left the house this morning." "[Man] Good morning and welcome to Movies Till Sunrise." "Our feature presentation is the 1954 science fiction classic," "Amazon Women on the Moon, starring Laird Granger and Greta Van Zandt, complete and uncut, with no commercial interruptions." "This used to be me." "Old before my years, ignored by women, passed over for promotions." "But now all that has changed." "Hi." "I'm Sy Swerdlow, and I invented the patented process known as "hair looming. "" "If you suffer from premature hair loss, let our team of technicians... visit you in the privacy of your home... so there will be no embarrassment." "You choose from our selection... of over 200 colors and styles." "Then your head will be carpeted... with 100% pure acrylic fiber, [Whirring]" "Completely natural-looking." "[Tacking]" "You can sleep in it." "You can shower in it." "[Vacuuming]" "It changed my life, and it'll change yours." "Call toll free... 1- 800-GET-HAIR." "[Radio Static]" "Well, men, I've been studying this map of the lunar surface, [Monkey Chattering]" "And I've chosen the dark side as our landing site." " So, don't forget your space beams." " Roger, Steve." "Just think, Loony, in less than an hour, we're gonna be on the moon." "The first thing I'm gonna do is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese." "Now, Butch, you know one of the purposes of this mission... is to dispel some of those myths." "Steve, I've got the president on the electro-scan." "Willikers!" "[Beep]" "[Man] Come in, men of Moon Rocket One." "This is the president of the United States calling from planet Earth." "We read you, Mr. President." "This is Steve Nelson, commander, Moon Rocket One." "Commander Nelson, this is a proud day for all Americans, and this year of 1980 will be remembered as the year... an American first set foot on the moon." "The governors of all 48 states join me... in wishing Godspeed to you... and your handpicked team of scientists." "That's us, Loony." "Thank you, Mr. President." "We're proud to serve our country." "Over and out." "Blackie, neutralize the electro-scan." "[Click] Electro-scan neutralized, sir." "There she is, dead ahead!" "It's awesome, isn't it?" "[Blackie] I've got big plans for that piece of real estate." "I'm going to sell advertising space on that." "Just picture this... the world's biggest billboard." "We'll make a bundle." "Hold your horses, Blackie." "This voyage is for the betterment of mankind." "[Voice Distorts] Let's not any of us forget that." "[Distorted] Sure, chief." "There goes my lunch." "[Groans]" "It's right up there with my stomach." "[Chuckling] Prepare for moon landing." " Initiate rotation system." " Rotation initiated." "Reverse retros." "Retros reversed." "Steve, we're losing pressure in the atom chamber." "If it drops any more, we're goners." "[Alarm Sounding]" "Quick, Blackie, switch to the emergency... ¤ Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree ¤" "¤ It's been three long years ¤" "¤ Do ya still want me ¤" "¤ If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree ¤" "¤ I'll stay on the bus forget about us ¤" "¤ Put the blame on me ¤" "Did you know that every seven minutes, a black person is born in this country without soul?" "Hello, I'm B.B. King." "Won't you help Don Simmons and the thousands of others... that suffer from this tragic disorder?" "Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone." "Let's take a look." "I think the Republican Party has done one heck of a job." "Don't you, June?" "I'll say, Ward." "We Republicans have turned this country around." "[Both Chuckling]" "[Siren Wails] Safety and good mileage are the two things..." "I looked for in a new car." "That's why I bought a Volvo station wagon." "Hi." "I'm president of the David Hartman Fan Club here in Glendale." "I've even met David Hartman once." "What a neat guy." "¤ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheree ¤" "¤ A sweep is as lucky as lucky can be ¤" "¤ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheroo ¤" "¤ Good luck will rub off when I shake hands with you ¤" "This is B.B. King saying won't you please give... so that Don Simmons here and so many others... can become useful members of society." "¤ Or blow me a kiss and that's lucky too ¤" "Write to..." "Thank you." "Be right there." "Karen?" "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Jerry Stone." "Hi, Jerry." "Nice meeting you." "I'm sorry." "I'm running a little bit late." "Don't worry about it." "You look nice." "Thank you." "This is a great apartment." "Thanks." "[Sprays]" "Uh, I hope you like sushi." "I made reservations at Tokyo Rose on Columbus." "Great." "I hear it's terrific." "Normally there's a waiting list, but I know the maitre d'." "You know, I gotta tell you," "I never go on blind dates, but, uh," "I just have a feeling that this might be special." "Jerry?" "Before we leave, do me one small favor, will you?" "Sure." "What?" "Would you mind showing me a credit card and a valid driver's license?" " You're kidding." "Why?" " I'd like to run a "couple compatibility" check." "What the heck is that?" "You know, Jerry, it's tough being a single girl in the big city." "You meet all kinds of phonies and creeps." "That's why this machine comes in handy." "I just enter your I.D., and the central computer will tell me about your background." "[Chuckles] I don't want a bank loan." "I just want to take you out." "I know, but I'd feel better running a check." "Two I.D.'s, please." "You're serious." "[Machine Beeps] It'll just take a minute." "This is ridiculous, but, uh..." "[Punching Number Pad]" "Here's, uh..." "Three-one-six." "That's a cute picture." "[Chuckles] MasterCard." "I don't know how I ever got along without one of these." "Changed my life." "Feel the same way about my VCR." "Ooh." "Right now I'm taping Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep." " I love Meryl Streep." " Oh, I am so into her." "[Sighs]" "[Printer Buzzing] Here it comes now." "[Laughs] [Bell Dings]" "All that about me?" "Geez." "They are very thorough." " [Giggles] This is great!" " What?" "What?" " Oh." " What do you got there?" "Uh-oh. [Sighs] Uh-oh?" "What's..." "What's uh-oh?" "Jerry," "does the name Debbie Rothenberg mean anything to you?" "Uh..." "Debbie Rothenberg." "Uh..." "Oh, yeah." "I think I went out with her once or twice." "You had sex with her on the second date, and then you never called her again." " I hate when guys do that." " It says all that?" "[Scoffs] Does the phrase "You're not only beautiful, but you're someone I feel I can open up to" mean anything to you?" "[Chuckles]" "I'm not surprised." "You've used that line on your last 16 dates." "Look, this is ridiculous." "Debbie..." "Uh, Karen, I think... that we have something very special here." "You're not like the other women you... "You meet in the city. "" "See what I mean?" "And, Jerry," "I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed." ""Who's selfish in bed"?" "Well, how would you describe a man... who satisfies his own needs and rolls over and goes to sleep?" " I never did that in my life!" " Eleven times!" "You want names and dates?" "No." "No, I do not!" "Look, hey, hold it." "Anyway, that is just a small fraction of the hundreds of times..." "I've been intimate with women." "We're exaggerating a little, aren't we, Jerry?" "The record only shows 21 sexual intimacies." "There you are." "This doesn't jibe with my figures." "Okay, sweetie?" "Jerry, the statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man." "Twelve times, you ignored your date at a party... to flirt with a more attractive woman." "169 times, you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career." "On 17 occasions, you lied to women, telling them you were really into sushi and Meryl Streep movies." "Make that 18 times." "Wh-Wh-Where do they get these figures?" "As you can see, Jerry, it would be pointless for you and I to go out." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines and see how well you come off!" "Okay?" "Good night, Jerry." "It's early yet." "Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar." "Like you did last Thursday." "Hello, Beverly?" "[Woman] Yeah?" "Hi." "This is Jerry Stone." "We met the other night at Dave's party." "Oh." "Hi." "Hi." "Listen, I know it's last minute, but I wanna ask you, are you free tonight?" "Uh, yeah." "You are." "Great." "Listen, I can pick you up in 10 minutes." "[Chuckles] Sure, okay." "Oh, Jerry, um..." "Yeah?" "Could you bring a major credit card and a valid driver's license?" "Jerry?" "[Man] Extraterrestrials." "Strange phenomena." "Missing persons." "Lost continents." "Myths and monsters." "We examine these mysteries to determine... are they bullshit or not?" "London's West End." "Here, in the winter of 1888, a series of bizarre and violent murders occurred, which remain unsolved to this very day." "Jack the Ripper." "Was he a prosperous London surgeon?" "Perhaps a member of British royalty." "Well, our Bullshit team has unearthed... spectacular new evidence which suggests... that Jack the Ripper was, in fact," "the Loch Ness Monster." "Is it possible that Nessie... murdered five streetwalkers before returning to Loch Ness?" "Using undiscovered evidence, we've pieced together the events leading up to the first murder." "Although this is a Bullshit reenactment, it may have happened just this way." "Hello, dearie." "Show you a good time for a quid." "Throw the wife in for free." "Oh, gents." "Don't you want a girl to keep you warm tonight?" "[Sighs] Me mum told me there would be nights like this." "[Murmuring] Oh, my!" "You are a big one, now, aren't you?" "Come on, darlin'." "[Chortling]" "[Wheels Squeaking]" "Mind you, don't you be steppin' on my feet now." "[Murmuring] Ooh!" "Aren't you in an hurry!" "Now, will you be careful." "Not so rough, da..." "Wait a min..." "[Screaming]" "Is this the way it happened?" "Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?" "Did I take this job for a quick buck?" "We may never know the answers to these questions." "Next week..." "Come on." "[Man] To recap the three movies that we reviewed this week... here on Critics Corner," "Marc and I both gave a big thumbs up... to the new Swedish film directed by, uh, Olaf Svensen." "Olaf Svensen, called The Winter of my Despondency." " Haunting abstract symbolism." " It's arty crap." "Jonathan and I did split, however... [Yawns]" "On the newest teenage romp called Frat Slobs." "Jonathan, I think, thought it to be... a light, frothy soufflé... sizzling with youthful energy." "That I did." "On the other hand, I thought it was pond scum." "You're an albino." "What the hell do you know?" "We have a new feature we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner... we hope you'll enjoy." "We call it "Real Life Reviews,"" "in which we critique the life of an average person just like you." "Jonathan will begin with a review of the life of Harvey Putnik." "[Jonathan] No." "Pitnik." "Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana." "Illinois." "Illinois." "Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois." "Bernice." "Bernice, come here." "They're talking about me on the television." "What?" "Come here." "Harvey Pitnik would seem to have all the ingredients... [Bernice, Harvey Laugh]" "For a successful life." "You'd think so." "So why does he fail so miserably?" "I don't know." "I think the problem is with Harvey himself." "What the hell is this?" "You're right." "It is Harvey." "Very good, Jonathan." "It is Harvey." "So, we're supposed to care about this Harvey Pitnik?" "Why?" "I mean, it takes him 30 years to develop any character at all, and by the time he does, who cares?" "They're crucifying me." "It's hardly worth the wait." "He didn't like Gandhi either." "Let me show you." "Here's a scene from last year as Harvey is coming home from work." "[Groans, Sighs]" "Oh." "Hi, Scraps." "[Low Growl]" "Hi, Dad." "Hi, kids." "[Harvey] How did they do this?" "Hi, honey." "Hi, dear." "Ooh." "Potatoes." "I didn't cons..." "I didn't consent for this to be on TV." "Dinner'll be ready in five minutes." "Okay." "[Sighs]" " Some exciting home life, huh?" " And it goes on like that, tediously, day in and day out." "Where's the love?" "Where's the passion?" "Where's the examination of one's own existence?" "This is a poor excuse for a life." "I give Harvey Pitnik a... a big thumbs down." "[Harvey] Thumbs down?" "I give him a thumbs down too." "But I didn't hate Harvey quite as much as you, Jonathan." "Oh, granted, his life was a miserable waste of time, but I rather enjoyed the Kafkaesque touches." "Here's a loser trapped in a dead-end job... and a..." "a loveless marriage." "How do they know that?" "[Marc] Couldn't they have done anything to make this man human?" "Think of the money it took to bring him into the world." "A ton!" "To feed him and to clothe him and then to educate him." "And after all that, what have you got?" " You've got a big bore!" " A dull clod!" "An empty suit." "And another thing," "I was always one step ahead of this guy's life." "There just were no surprises!" "No." "Wait a minute." "What about the ending of his life?" "That came as a surprise." "Ending?" "I saw that coming a mile away!" "I didn't." "What ending?" "The high blood pressure." "The lack of exercise." "True." "Uh-huh." "The bad diet." "Of course." "By the time he finally has his heart attack in front of the TV, big deal!" "Heart attack?" "Heart attack?" "[Marc] It's such a mundane way to go." "What are they talking about?" "A heart attack?" "I didn't have a... [Groans]" "[Marc] Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if, say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?" "He should've died years earlier." "Maybe in a submarine accident." "[Bernice] Harvey?" "Oh, my God!" "Possibly a giant squid." "Something to add a little science fiction to it." "I'm calling an ambulance." "I'm calling an ambulance!" "A tragic waste, but who cares?" "Oh, I see our time is up." "We want to thank you very much... for joining us on Critics Corner." "Hope you'll be back next week when we'll have an aisle seat reserved just for you." "Bye-bye." "¤ [Organ:" "Perky Theme]" "There's so many things he could've done." "He could've had a better haircut." "[Man] We now return to the 1957 film," "Amazon Women on the Moon, starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark." "There will be no further interruptions." "Well, here we are on the moon." "[Butch] This place gives me the willies." "Think we'll run into any moon men?" "Not intelligent life as you and I know it, Butch." "If there are any Martians, I'll bet they speak the universal language... do-re-mi!" "You remember the space oath you took at the academy, Blackie?" ""I will not exploit other worlds for personal gain. "" "Look at that." "Follow me, men." "Keep your eyes open." "[Murray] Selma!" " [Loony Chattering]" " Hey, dig that crazy full moon." "That's a full Earth, Butch." "Remember where we are." "Zowie!" "This is only a hunch, but..." "Steve!" "What are you doing?" "You're committing suicide!" "[Inhales Deeply] Just as I thought." "The moon has an atmosphere similar to Earth's." "Take off your helmets, boys." "[Inhales] [Laughing]" "Good old H20." "Steve, fill me in." "How'd you figure it out?" "Seems like Loony figured it out first." "[Chittering] [All Chuckling]" "That's my Loony, a regular Einstein." "[All Chuckling]" "Look!" "[Roaring]" "[Yawns] [Announcer] Are your parties dull and boring?" "[Sighs] Well, why not liven them up... with the snack food that's sweeping America." "Mmm!" "Say, Mike, this is some great paté." "It has such a unique flavor." "It's more than just an ordinary paté, Bill." "Watch." " [Boing] - [People] Whoa!" "What the..." "You know, I never saw an appetizer do that before." "Well, you never tried Silly Paté before!" "Not only is it fun at parties, it's low in saturated fats." "And look." " It picks up your favorite comic strip!" " [Gasping]" "I'm eating Doonesbury." "And I'm eating Beetle Bailey." "[All Laughing] [Announcer] You'll never have a dull, lifeless party again... with Silly Paté." "[Boing]" "Available in all fine gourmet shops and toy stores everywhere." "¤ [Organ] [Woman Crying]" "[Sobbing] It's time, Mrs. Pitnik." "Do I have to?" "Yeah." "We need the room again at 4:00." "[Clears Throat] Come on." "I" " Is Har-Harvey here?" "Yeah." "He's in repose." "He looks great." "Oh!" "Okay, let's move along." "That's right." "Just relax, Mrs. Pitnik." "You're young." "You'll..." "You'll meet someone." "[Sobs] Send the kids to camp." "That's what I would do." "Okay, family up front, on the left." " Well, I guess that's it." " [Chattering]" "[Chattering]" "Everything's taken care of." "Everything." "And the buffet?" "To die." "Hey, Scooter." "Cute stuff. [Sniffling, Crying]" "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a wake." "So let's have fun with it, huh?" "Everybody, have a great time. ¤ [Organ Stops]" "¤ [Up-tempo]" "[Man On P.A.] Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home, where many of the nation's top comedians have gathered to roast our guest ofhonor, the late Harvey Pitnik!" "Please welcome..." "Rip Taylor!" "¤ [Singing Gibberish] [Applause]" " Slappy White!" " [No Audible Dialogue]" "Jackie Vernon!" "Henny Youngman!" "[No Audible Dialogue]" "Charlie Callas!" "And our roast master..." "Mr. Steve Allen!" "[People Gasping]" "¤ [Crescendos, Stops]" "And here he is, our man of the hour... ¤ [Drum Roll] Mr. Harvey Pitnik!" "[Sobbing] There's Harvey!" "¤ ["Funeral March"]" "¤ [Jokey Segue, Stops]" "Thank you, ladies and mourners." "[Hammy Laughter]" "That's all right, Harvey." "Don't get up." "[Laughter Continues] [Loud Sob]" "Anyway, be that as it may..." "and I doubt if it was... tonight we are here to pay tribute to a close, personal friend," "Harvey Pupik..." "I'm sorry." "Uh, Pitnik." "Harvey Pitnik." "Harvey was a man, my friends, who was the same in life... as he is in death... a stiff!" "[Mourners Laughing]" "But all seriousness aside, we are going to lay two things to rest..." "Harvey Pitnik and the rumor that Charlie Callas is funny." "[Laughter] Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny man, Charlie Callas." "¤ [Jazzy] [Applause]" "Thank you." "Thank you." "¤ [Ends] Thank you." "Harvey, keep it down!" "[Nonsense Noises] [Laughter]" "Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin..." "Peshtabil..." "Poshbulv..." "whatever. [Chuckling]" "Who cares?" "Does it matter now?" "[Allen] No, no." "And if Harvey were alive today, he'd be a very sick man. [Giggles]" " [Imitates Taxicab Horn] - [Laughter]" "¤ [Jazzy]" "We had..." "I'm sorry to make this announcement." "We had two disappointments tonight..." "Milton Berle could not make it and Rip Taylor could. [Laughs]" "Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor." "All right." "¤ [Fast] [Applause]" "[Applause Continues] ¤ [Ends]" " Thank you so much." "Thank you so much." " [Applause Fades]" "Thank you." "Thank you so much, Steve." "Charlie said, "Harvey, keep it down. " Thank you." " Oh, well, there goes that act." " [Laughing]" "The president couldn't be here, Harvey, so he sent a wire." "[Cackles] [Laughter]" "Tell 'em." "It's a..." "Never mind." "What's this, an audience or a funeral?" "Now, pay attention, please." "But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine, and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch." "I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for 20. [Cackles]" "Folks, I don't dance." "This is it, you see." "[Laughing]" "But I do feel for his widow, Bernice." "That was a romantic marriage." "She learned everything about sex from a manual." "The "Manuel" was their gardener. [Cackles]" "[Crowd Laughing] [Laughing] I'm sorry." "I better wrap it up now, folks." "'Cause you know the old axiom in show business... "get off quick. "" "Like Harvey on his wedding night." " Could you die?" "I gotta go." "Good-bye." "Thank you so much. - ¤ [Fanfare]" "Thank you folks." "I'm thrilled to be here tonight to pay tribute... to the late Harvey Pitnik." "But enough about Harvey." "[Mourners, Panelists Laughing]" "Take my wife." "Please." "[Continue Laughing]" "Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?" "They're worth it." "Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?" "They want to." "[Laughter, Scattered Applause]" "And that's what I think of you, Harvey." "[Laughter, Applause] ¤ [Jazzy Fanfare]" "Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip down memory lane." "And now... [Laughing]" "¤ [Rim Shot] [Laughing]" "But seriously." "Henny, you were never funnier... and it's a shame." "¤ [Jazzy Fanfare] [White] But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey." "How about "ugly" and "cheap"?" "Harvey wrote his will on his cock, and his lawyer said it would not stand up in court." "[Laughter, Pounding On Table] [No Audible Dialogue]" "Okay, Mrs. Pitnik." "You're on." "What?" "You're on." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "I really can't..." "You're the widow." "You've got to give Harvey's rebuttal." "No, no, I can't go up there." " I can't do this." " But in conclusion, I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey." "Rigor mortis is the closest you ever come to a hard-on in 15 years." "I thank you." "[Applause, Whistling]" "¤ [Band Imitating Laughter]" "Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents... as soon as we take 'em off his eyelids." "[Laughing] I don't get it." "I don't get it." "And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our guest of honor, his lovely widow, Bernice." "And nothing's changed, Harvey." "She's still gonna be doing all the talking." "[Laughs] Bernice Pitnik!" "[Applause] ¤ [Jazz]" "¤ [Continues]" "Lovely woman." "¤ [Ends]" "[Sighs] [Applause Fades]" "Thank you, Merv..." "I mean, Steve." "That's quite all right." "[Clears Throat, Swallows]" "Now, well, I would like to inject a serious note, as, uh, Henny Youngman did earlier." "[Scattered Laughter]" "I want to say to..." "Harvey, my late husband, as I look down at you, lying there motionless," "I can only think of one thing... our wedding night." "[Laughter]" "[Sighs] [Laughter Continues, Fades]" "[Chuckles] I'll never forget my... my last moments with..." "Harvey," "[Laughter] As I... as I took him into my arms... and I whispered those three little words:" ""Sign the will. " ¤ [Rim Shot]" "[Laughter] [Laughs]" "[Laughing] Great." "But seriously," "I'm glad to see Slappy White here today." "Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe." "[Laughs]" "And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee, or did a beaver curl up and die on your head?" " [Laughing] - ¤ [Jazz]" "As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy." "[Laughter, Applause] ¤ [Ends]" "¤ [Piano, Slow] [Announcer] At last, the greatest album oflove songs ever recorded." "You'll want to share them with someone special." "¤ Why do birds suddenly appear ¤" "Sung by the man who turned a personal affliction into a recording career," "Don "No Soul"Simmons." "¤ Just like me ¤" "¤ They long to be ¤" "¤ Close to you ¤" "¤ Why do stars ¤ ¤ [Band Begins]" "¤ Fall down from the sky ¤" "¤ Every time ¤" "¤ You walk by ¤" "¤ Just like me ¤" "¤ They long to be ¤" "¤ Close to you ¤" "¤ She'd been sitting there ¤ [Announcer] So curl up by the fireside... and listen to the non-threatening music of this master showman." "[Simmons] ¤ And, honey, I miss you ¤" "¤ And I'm being good ¤" "¤ And I'd love to be with you ¤" "¤ If only I could ¤" "¤ Say, has anybody seen ¤" "¤ My sweet Gypsy Rose ¤" "¤ Here's her picture when she was ¤" "¤ My sweet Mary Jo ¤ [Announcer] Young lovers of any age... will cherish this timeless collection... of the world's most romantic ballads." "And if you act now, you'll get free... this bonus album:" "Don Simmons Down  Funky." "¤ [Electric Keyboard]" "¤ [Band Begins] ¤ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ¤" "¤ He was a good friend of mine ¤" "¤ I never understood a single word he said ¤" "[Announcer] This two-record collection is not available in any stores, so order now." "[Simmons] ¤ Yes, he always had some mighty fine wine ¤" "By thunder!" "She's a lovely sight, lads!" "[Men Chatter, Laugh] And you can bet your miserable lives... the cargo hold is filled with precious booty." "Let's take her, Cap'n." "Aye." "Are you game, lads?" "[Men, Together] Aye!" "Video pirates!" "Man the guns and prepare to "defend boarders. "" "Fire!" "Cutlasses, me hearties!" "Give them a bellyful of steel." "Ah." "By gum, Captain!" "All the latest home videos." "In Beta and VHS!" "Aye!" "Some so current, they're still in theatrical release." "Help yourself, mates." "A chest full of video discs." "No!" "What good are they?" "Can't record on 'em." "They're not compatible with my system." "Captain!" "This one's locked." "Stand back." " [Gunshot] - [Man] Open 'er up." "Gather around, me buckoes, and feast your eyes on this." "[Men Gasp] Make all the illegal copies you want." "Put it on." "Aye, aye, Captain." "[Case Snaps Open] [Tape Loads In VCR]" "[Shuddering] Ohhh, I'm so scared." "[All Laughing]" "[Laughing Fades]" "[Knocking]" "I said I don't want to be disturbed." "Griffin, it's me, Trent." "Trent, I've been waiting for you." "Come in." "Ah, Griffin." "I came as soon as I received your cable." "Good God, man, what happened?" "I've done it, Trent." "At long last, I've done it." "I finally duplicated my father's formula for invisibility... after five years of injecting myself with every chemical known to man." "But Griffin, the invisibility formula turned your father into a raving lunatic." "That's where I've topped the old man." "I've been on the stuff for over a week now, and I'm still perfectly sane. [Laughs]" "Yes." "I'll rule the world with my secret." "Yes." "And I'll need you, Trent." "I must have a visible partner. [Laughs]" "I can tell by your stunned expression that you're pretty impressed." "[Chuckles] Ah?" "[Gasps] Ooh. [Chuckles]" "[False Nose Hitting Desk] Look, Ma, no hands." "[Chuckles]" "I haven't come up with a reagent to make myself visible again." "But what's the rush?" "I'm having a ball." "Watch me closely." "Whee!" "Ever see a shirt make a phone call?" "[Chuckles]" "Ooh." "Pretty scary, huh?" "Ooooh!" "Wait till you see this." "[Chuckles] Uh, no." "Griffin, you don't have to go all the way. [Laughing]" "Yes." "[Laughing]" "Just listen for the sound of my voice, and you'll know where I am at all times. [Chuckles]" "Come on." "Let's have some laughs!" "Griffin!" "Being invisible is the best!" "[Laughing] ¤ [Stride Piano, Distant]" "¤ [Continues, Louder]" "Hey!" "Here comes the invisible man again." "[Bar Patrons Groaning, Objecting]" "You, go and get some help." "I'll watch him here." "Whee-ooh!" "Whee-ooh!" "Oh, my." "Now how did that happen?" "Must be a ghost in 'ere." "This is unreal." "I'm terribly sorry." "Whee-ooh!" "Whee-ooh!" "[Imitates Tires Skidding]" "Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!" "Wow!" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "[Policeman's Whistle Tweeting, Distant]" "[Scattered Applause] [Door Opens]" "Now, now, now." "What's all this?" "Here he is, Officer." "Take it easy with him." "He's not really dangerous." "Come along quietly then, guv." "You'll have to find me first. [Groans]" "Come along." "Let's cover this one up." "Come on." "Wait." "I'm invisible." "Don't touch me there." "[Griffin Laughing] [Wolf Whistle]" "Selma!" "[Man] We now return to our feature... starring Greta Van Zandt and Lyle Talbot." "There will be no further interruptions." "This looks like the remains of some ancient culture." "Steve, I said some things back there that I shouldn't have." "Anyway, thanks for saving me from that dinosaur." "Forget it." "Hey, would you get a load of this joint?" "This throne is still warm." " [Theremin Wailing] - [Screeching, Chittering]" "Where are you going?" "I forgot somethin' back on the ship." "What?" "[Garbled] I forgot to stay there." "[Sound Track Skipping, Crackling]" "[Man] We are experiencing technical difficulties." "Please stand by." "We are experiencing techn..." "I demand that you set us free, Queen Lara." "We are on an official mission from the planet Earth." "Ha! "Planet Earth. "" "Is that what you call that pitiful ball hanging in the sky?" "You wouldn't say that if you saw Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers." "Silence, swine, or you will suffer the same fate as your friend." "I intend to file a protest in the death of Blackie!" "He dared to enter the sacred temple and steal the precious moonstones." "But feeding him to giant spiders without the benefit of counsel... is not the way we do things in America." "[Women Laughing]" "Boy, I never thought I'd be so miserable... surrounded by beautiful dames." "Cut the gags, Butch." "We're in enough trouble." "What's she lookin' at?" "She acts like she's never seen a man before." "She hasn't." "Have you, Alpha Beta?" "No, my queen." "What are men good for?" "Well, I'm pretty good in the backseat of a Studebaker." "Butch!" "Men are useless." "Back where I come from, no woman is complete without a man." "You see, Commander Nelson, 12,000 gamma-spans ago..." ""Gamma-spans"?" "A moon unit of time, roughly equivalent to your Earth year." "Anyway, all men were banished from the lunar surface because they couldn't..." "For 131 years, this great institution has amassed... what many consider to be the finest collection of art anywhere in the world." "And now it can all be yours." "We've lost our lease!" "That's right." "Everything must go." "From the old masters of Europe to the conceptual artists of today's SoHo." "We're talking Rembrandts, Botticellis," "Gauguin, Cézanne, Matisse, Renoir... and the chairman of the board," "Leonardo da Vinci." "This Egyptian sarcophagus... from the dynasty of Ramses II, appraised at $14 million." "Our price?" "$19.95." "Buy now, and we'll toss in, free of charge, the original Declaration of Independence." "Now you might expect to pay millions for this document... that shaped a great nation." "But it's yours free." "This fine parchment will enhance any den or playroom." "And you can have some fun with your friends... by adding your own name along with the original signers." "Remember, the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art." "Every Van Gogh must go." "Hello, I'm Henry Silva." "Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage in 1912, people have asked, "How did it happen?"" "[Man Imitating Ship Whistle] Join me... as we dramatically recreate... [Man] ¤ Nearer ¤ the sinking of the great ocean liner Titanic. ¤ My God, to thee ¤" "Bullshit or not?" "You be the judge, here on this station." "[Announcer] From the pen of America's wealthiest author," "Irving Sidney, the man who gave us... [Rapping]" "The best-sellers, Irving Sidney's The Naked Virgin... [Rapping Continues]" "And Irving Sidney's The Power and the Flesh, comes Irving Sidney's sizzling new blockbuster..." "Hey, baby." "[Laughs]" "Long time no see, huh?" "There must be some mistake." "Come on." "Who are ya kiddin'?" "It's me." "It's Bert." "Look, I'm in town with the textile convention, and I thought maybe we could, uh, you know, party!" "[Laughing]" "I don't do that anymore." "Oh..." "You better get out of here before you wake the president. [Snoring]" "[Announcer] When President Harrison Chandler was married in the White House, it was the social event of the decade." "The courageous president... and his beautiful new bride." "But she possessed a secret that could shatter her dreams... and topple a government." "I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room in five minutes." "[Announcer] She was forced to live a lie... when her sins came back to haunt her." "She was "first lady of the evening. "" "Irving Sidney's 1st Lady of the Evening." "A Magnet paperback in easy-to-read type with no big words." "[Simmons On Radio] ¤ Birds suddenly appear ¤" "¤ Every time ¤ [Sighs]" "Look, Violet, what do you say we go park out by the lake?" "My glands are out of control." "Well, okay, Georgie, but are you prepared?" "I've been preparing myself for 17 years." "That's not what I meant." "¤ Fall down from the sky ¤" " Pull over to that drugstore." "[Engine Stops] [Emergency Brake Sets]" "¤ On the day that you were born the angels got together ¤" "¤ And decided to create a dream come true ¤" " Georgie." "¤ So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair ¤" "¤ And golden starlight ¤" " Make sure you ask for Titans." "Those are the best." "[No Audible Dialogue] ¤ That is why all the boys ¤" "[Bell Dings]" "Hello, George." "How are ya?" "Uh, hi, Mr. Gower." "I didn't think you worked nights." "My night man took sick." "What can I do for you?" "We're having a sale on shaving cre..." "What am I saying?" "You're not old enough to shave yet." "I've been shaving since March." "See?" "Hey, I'd better call your mom right now and thank her... for the preserves she brought over to our house..." "Not now!" "I mean..." "I" " I mean, don't bother." "I'll give her the message for you. [Hangs Up Phone]" " I'll bet I know what you want." " You do?" "Sure." "I was young once." "Licorice sticks." "They came in fresh this morning." "[Bell Dings] Mr. Gower, I'm 17 years old." "[Bell Dings] Already?" "Seems like only yesterday... your mom was in here buying talc... to powder your little bottom." "[Chuckles] Heh." "Uh, look..." "Never mind." "Thanks." "[Bell Dings] ¤ Follow you ¤" "[Bell Dings] ¤ All around ¤" "¤ Just like me ¤ [Sighs]" "[Bell Dings] ¤ They long to be ¤" "Almost forgot what I came in for." "Tube of toothpaste and a box of... [Mumbles]" "Toothpaste and what?" "A box of... [Quietly] Titans." "You have to speak up, George." "Titans!" "I want a box ofTitan condoms!" " [Gasps]" " George!" "And to think you were an altar boy. [Sighs]" " [Keys Jangling] - [Door Unlocking]" "You did say "Titans"?" "[Sighs] Oh, only about four times." "[Slaps Bill On Counter] Thanks, Mr. Gower." "[Alarm Ringing] ¤ [Marching Band: "The Star-Spangled Banner"]" " ¤ [Continues] - [Laughing]" "[Crowd Cheering, Chattering]" "[Gower Laughing]" "What's goin' on?" "George?" "Rupert King, president ofTitan Condoms." "Congratulations, young man." "You are our one-billionth customer." "Pictures." "[Crowd Whistling, Cheering]" "Thanks, but I really gotta go." "Not so fast, kid." "We've been planning this for months." "It's really not necessary." "Tell me, George, how long have you been using our fine Titan products?" "Uh, you could say I never use anything else." "Great quote." "Are you getting all of this?" "You're not gonna use my name, are you?" "Modesty, I like it." "You could give Titans that wholesome image we're looking for." "Do you know what you're doing to me?" "The entire town's gonna know about this." "You'll be a household name, George, just like Bip, our Titan mascot!" "Pictures." "Pictures." "Hi, folks." "Hi, George." "Hi, everybody." "[Man] Hey, George, will you autograph a box for me?" " [Crowd, Bip Laughing]" " Get used to that, George." "[No Audible Dialogue] More good news, George." "Even as we speak, your parents are racing here to join you in your moment ofTitan triumph." "My parents?" "Are you nuts?" "I'm not even supposed to have the car." "Make sure you airbrush out the kid's acne, okay?" "George, as a token of our thanks, we'd like you to have this lifetime supply ofTitans!" " Thank you, Connie." " All I wanted was one." "[Crowd, Bip Laughing]" " Violet!" " George, I can tell, you're as excited as we are, as you begin this, your yearlong reign as our Titan king!" "[Bip] Yippee!" "[Crowd Cheering, Applauding]" "[Cheering, Applause Continue]" "[Man] And now the exciting conclusion of the 1955 feature," "Amazon Women of the Moon." "There will be no further commercial interruptions." "Bullshit or not?" "Hey, cut the mush, you two." "This place is about to blow sky high." "Yes, look!" "Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry." "Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn." "We haven't got much time." "Let's go!" "[Rumbling In Distance]" "Come on, Loony." "[Rumbling Continues]" "There's the rocket." "Hurry!" "Come on, Alpha Beta." "When we get back to Earth, I'm gonna show you Ebbets Field." "Oh, Steve, save yourself. [Panting]" "I wouldn't be able to enjoy Earth without you." "[Explosion]" "[Nelson] Fasten seat belts." "I think we got about 12 seconds before everything blows." "Fire retros." "[Car Engine Cranking]" "She won't turn over!" "[Car Engine Cranking]" "[Engine Cranks, Revs And Runs]" "Listen to that sweet music." "[Screeching, Chittering]" "[Debris Hitting Floor]" "There goes the only home I've ever known." "You got a new home now, Lara, [Quietly] With me on Earth." "What are they doing, Butch?" "Well, it's called smoochin', babe." "Come here." "I'll give ya your first lesson." "[Hooting]" "[President] Earth to Moon Rocket One." "Earth to Moon Rocket One." "This is the President." "Steve, I hope you have things well in hand." "I'll say." "[Horns Honking]" "[TV:" "Whooping, Gunfire]" "Psst." "Psst." "Yeah, you." "Come here." "Yeah?" "Saturday night." " Yeah?" " Ain't got a date." " What's your name, kid?" " Ray." "Ray?" "¤ [TV:" "Soft Rock]" "¤ [Continues]" "[Giggles] Mmm." "You must be Ray." "I'm Sherrie." "[Giggles]" "I heard you were good-looking, but I had no idea." "Come on in." "As you can see, I made dinner." "Mmm, but I'm not hungry just yet... for food." "Do you know what I mean?" "Help me with my zipper, Ray?" "[Zipper Unzipping] [Moans] That's so much better." "[Dress Hitting Floor] God, you're such a hunk, Ray." "I want you." "And I want you now." "Get over here, Ray." "I'm waiting, Ray." "Take me." "I want you to make wild, violent love to me." "Oh, yes, Ray." "[Inhales, Moans] Yes." "Oh, you're so good, Ray." "[Moans]" "Yes. [Moaning, Squealing] Ray!" "[Moaning, Sighing]" "You're the best, Ray." "Yeah, yeah." "[Moaning] Ray, give it to me!" "Mmm, that's good, Ray." "Yeah!" "[Panting, Screaming]" "You're the... best, Ray!" "Yeah!" "[Moans]" "[Door Slams] ¤ [Ends]" " [Man] You dirty slut!" " Frankie, what are you doin' here?" " I thought you were outta town!" " That's what I wanted you to think!" " And I expected a little more from you, Ray." " [Quietly] What, of me?" " You think I care about a loser like Ray?" " Loser?" " I did it to hurt you." " You did it to hurt me?" "Well, your cheatin' days are over, street meat!" "Frankie, what are you doin'with that gun?" "I'm gonna teach you... and this little know-nothing wimp a lesson!" " That's what I'm doin' with the gun." " No, Frankie!" "I love you!" "I've always loved you." "You think I enjoyed going to bed with a worm like Ray?" "Shut up!" " Worm?" " You're history, Sherrie." " [Screams] No!" " [Gunshots]" "Satisfied, Ray?" "Hmm?" "Happy now, buddy?" "Well, you're gonna have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life." "And you know what else, Ray?" "You're gonna have to live with this too." " [Gunshot]" " Freeze!" "You have the right to remain silent. [Handcuffs Ratcheting]" "If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." "You have the right to speak with an attorney and have an attorney present at time of questioning." " ¤ [Latin, Electric Keyboards] - ¤ I was at a dance ¤" "¤ When she caught my eye ¤" "¤ Standing all alone ¤" "¤ Looking sad and shy ¤" "¤ We began to dance ¤" "¤ Swayin' to and fro whoa, whoa ¤" "¤ And soon I knew I'd never let her go ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ With its magic spell ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ That she did so well ¤" "¤ Oh, it all began with just one little dance ¤" "¤ But soon it ended up a big romance ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ The dance of love ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ With its magic spell ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ That she did so well ¤" "¤ Oh, it all began with just one little dance ¤" "¤ But soon it ended up a big romance ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ The dance of love ¤ ¤ [Pauses]" "¤ [Resumes]" "Is there anybody out there?" "Would you please do me a favor?" "Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the TV set he sold me has a problem." "I'm still under warranty." "Hello?" "Hello?" "[Crying]" "Help me." "I'll never see Selma." "I'll never get back." "I'll never get back." "I'm finished." "I'm finished." "I'll never get back." " I'm goin' out of my mind." " ¤ [Ends]" "Mary Brown?" " Yes." " Sit down, Mary Brown." "Thank you, Doctor." "Mary, I've been going over your tests." "How did a nice girl like you... come to contract a social disease?" "Then my worst fears are confirmed." "Oh, the shame of it!" "[Sobbing] Now, now." "You are unclean, but there's always hope." "Tell me how you went astray." "Tell me everything." "[Wheels Squeaking, Rolling]" "I won a..." "beauty contest... here in Iowa." "I thought I'd try my luck..." "in New York." "It wasn't like Iowa at all." "And then I met a theatrical agent." "Gosh, that sure is different than the sarsaparilla we have back home." "Well, we like a little more "sass" in our "parilla. "" "Now, Mary I didn't get you up here to dish out a lot o' hooey." "Oh, that's all right." "I already had lunch." "You see, there's a social side to this business we call "show. "" "Now, uh, let me see your gams." "What?" "I was humiliated, though oddly excited." "Well, he told me he could spot fresh talent... and sent me to see a colleague ofhis named Dutch Monahan. ¤ [Honky-tonk Piano Playing]" "It turned out to be a wild party." "Here." "Dunk your whiskers in this, sister." "You guys sure like your sarsaparilla in this town." "Get her." "Shut your trap, or I'll bite your ears off." "Keep your hands off me, ya big palooka." "That was my first exposure to New York intellectuals." "Gee, whiz." "My first sophisticated, New York party." "Which one is Cole Porter?" "When you realized that your body had been rendered impure, what did you do?" "I made another foolish blunder." "I married my high school sweetheart, Ken." "My shameful affliction was exposed at last... when Ken began showing symptoms of the disease." "Good-bye, honey." "I'm going to work." "Good-bye." "[Sighs]" "Ow!" "Ken, what's wrong?" "My eyes." "Had my sinful ways caught up with me?" "Had I inflicted Ken with my secret shame?" "Ken's vision began to affect his work." "[Man Screaming] Mike!" "Sorry!" "Ah, today's reckless youth, with your fast roadsters and your rumble seats." "I want to show you something, Mary Brown, for your own good." "Take a look at the germs that have ravaged your system." " [Squeaking, Chattering] - [Gasps]" "Come now with me to the clinic." "[Creaking, Rumbling]" "[Bat Squeaking] [Moaning, Chattering, Muffled]" "What you are going to see here is not pleasant." "I didn't realize we had such specialized clinics here in Iowa." "When science is on the march, nothing can stand in its way." "[Moaning, Chattering Continue]" "Who is that pitiful creature?" " [Laughing] - [Doctor] Let's call him..." "Pete Jones." "Pete's first troubles were with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer." "Weren't they, Pete?" "[Growling]" "Get back!" "We don't have any cigarettes!" "Sad, isn't it?" "I've seen enough, Doctor!" "I know you have." "But have you?" "Resist temptation, or you may end up... like Pete..." "and Mary... and Ken." "[Horn Blaring]" " [Yelling] - [Tires Squealing]" "¤ [Fast, Dance Band With Noisemakers]" "¤ [Ends]" "Hello?" "No." "You got the wrong number." "Yeah, but ain't no Thelma here, man." "Jesus!" "I'm comin'!" "What?" "Man, there ain't no Thelma here!" "God." "What?" "Ain't no fuckin' Thelma here, man!" "Look, the bitch don't live here!" "Fuck you too!" "Shit!" "Fuck!" "Hello." "I'm Dr. Warren G. Easterbrook," "Chairman of the President's Commission on Education, and I would like to talk to you about an ever-growing problem... the short attention span of today's youth." "Weaned as they are on television, young people today... can't seem to pay attention for more than a few mo..." "Pethouse Video presents an in-depth... up close and personal look... at Pethouse Plaything Taryn Steele." "Oh, so many neat things have happened to me in my life... being named homecoming queen, making the cheerleading squad." "But the neatest thing ever was when I was recently chosen... the Pethouse Plaything of the Month." "But being a Plaything hasn't changed me." "I'm still the same Taryn." "When I was first chosen, I was, like, really immature." "But I've grown so much since then." "I can hardly believe it's me." "I'm a beach person and a night person." "I really feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live in California, 'cause we've got it all..." "the mountains, the sun." "And, like, there's no humidity." "It really blows me away." "Here, out of the public eye, I can just fade into the crowd." "In New York, I get hassled all the time." "I don't understand it." "Laguna offers me peace and solitude... away from the pressure ofbeing a Plaything." "Here in Laguna, I can just let my mind go blank." "Art is my life." "I love to browse Laguna's art galleries, and my dream is to one day... have some of my things hanging here." "But my real strength comes from my family... and my strong religious upbringing." "I'll always be grateful to my mom and dad and the values they've given me, which help me take on the awesome responsibilities... of Plaything of the Month." "Selma, look at this reception." "Beaver, did you bring home a note from your teacher today?" "Oh, no, Dad." "That's one of your jokes I haven't heard before." "Record warm temperatures tomorrow." "Unbelievable!" "Best investment I ever made." "You haven't been out of this house in two weeks." "Lows will warm up just a bit." "What the hell has happened to my remote?" "Sunny skies for the remainder of the day." "Murray?" "Embedded in those clouds." "And here in the southern..." "Excuse me, sir." "We're on the air." "Selma!" "Get me out of here!" "I must've pressed the wrong button." "Murray, what are you doing on the weather?" "I don't know." "Press something." "Bring me back!" "Here!" "Swung on, and it's a high fly ball to center field." "Wait a minute!" "There's a fan on the field!" "¤ Make me wanna stay If this is it ¤" "¤ Doo wah ¤ Now I'm trapped in a rock video!" "Anything but this!" "¤ If this ain't love you better let me go ¤" " ¤ If this is it ¤ - ¤ Doo wah ¤" "Selma!" "Help me!" "¤ If this ain't love, baby ¤ Wait." "Wait." "Selma!" "I'm looking for the booklet." "Oh, no." "I'm in black and white." "Where am I?" "This is what you get for throwing out the directions." "Help!" "Help me!" "Here you can leave me for the night." "You should be so lucky." "Where am I?" "You're on the Disney Channel." "At least I know you won't catch anything there." "Fun is fun, Selma, but I want to come home." "I'm trying." "500 million people are watching via satellite... as the president and first lady deplane for this historic Moscow visit." "They look fit and rested." "Wait a minute." "An unidentified man has emerged from Air Force One." "He seems, believe it or not, to be clad only in his underwear." "The Secret Service have grabbed him." "Where am I?" "I'm innocent!" "But who is he and how did he get on board?" "I was only watching television!" "He appears to be deranged." "Help!" "Selma!" "I'm so proud of you, Brenda, getting through the delivery without any anesthetic." "Well, I had the best Lamaze coach in the world." "When do we get to see the baby?" "It's been eight hours." "Well, you remember the film they showed us in class." "There's all kinds of tests they have to perform on a newborn child." "So..." "That's true." "Ah!" "There's my favorite couple." " Mr. And Mrs. Flanders." " That's Landers." "Right, right." "Flanders is uremic poisoning on 39." " So." " Um..." "Nice stitch work, if I say so myself." "Doctor, we'd like to see our son." "The nurses keep giving us the runaround." "I'd like nothing better than to bring you both your son, but have you looked around this hospital?" "There are sick people here." "I just saw this old guy in the hallway with these gnarly scabs all over his body." "Gross me out!" " I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey..." " Nicholas." "To that." "I've got a solemn oath to uphold here." "Doctor," "Brenda and I are both Lamaze graduates, and we've never heard of quarantining a healthy infant before." "Ooh, Lamaze." "Well, I forgot that you spent three whole weekends sitting on a floor... learning how to breathe." "I had to get by on a degree from Harvard Medical School!" "Please, it's important to us to see our child." "You've heard of bonding." "Uh..." "Doctor." "We'd like to spend a little quality time with our son, please." "A little quality time with your son?" "That would be beautiful." "You people." "What's with that guy?" "Mrs. Fernandez, front desk." "He's supposed to be the top man in his field." "Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey, we're going..." "Nicholas!" "Here we go." " Here's the little tyke." "Okay, that's enough germs." "Wait!" "Wait a minute." "We haven't even seen him yet." "Go ahead, breathe all over him." "I don't care." "What is this, some kind of sick practical joke?" "What are you talking about?" "He's got your eyes." "Take that hideous thing away." "Come on." "They all look like this at first." "You see, when the baby passes through the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy." "He should round out in a couple days." "Promise." "That's not a baby." "That's a Mr. Potato Head." "Harry, call the hospital administrator." "Hey!" "You're right." "This is a Mr. Potato Head." "Gosh, they're so lifelike." "Anybody could've made this mistake." "I'll be right back with the real Nicholas." "Harry, what are they doing to us?" "Calm down, Brenda." "Calm down." "We don't want you to get postpartum anxiety." "Now, as soon as we get our son, I'm going to report this quack." "Thank God you took that assertiveness training course." "Here's the little tyke." "You've been a naughty little baby." "Yes, you have." "Playing peekaboo with Mommy and Daddy." "About time." "Nick, it's your dad." "He's got a strong, determined jaw just like his old man there." " Great." "Now you made him cry." " I don't believe this." "Is this okay?" "Would you rather breast-feed him?" "Get away from me!" "I'm gonna kill you!" "What kind of hospital is this?" "All right, Mr. And Mrs. Lamaze!" "You see, due to a slight clerical error, your son has been temporarily misplaced." " You lost our son?" " Did I say lost?" "I said misplaced!" "I'm suing you for... for malpractice, negligence... you name it!" "Just jump all over me!" "What about the nine kids I didn't lose this week?" "My baby!" "What have they done with my baby?" "It was your fault." "If you hadn't distracted me with that video equipment in the delivery room," "I might not have misplaced your little brat!" " Doctor." "We found him." " See?" "He was down the hall in the laundry hamper." "Oh!" "Oh, he's beautiful." "I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves." "All this hysteria when he was safe and sound not 20 feet from this room." "Doctor, you're due in surgery for that kidney transplant." "Where's the donor organ?" "The donor organ?" "God, I had it with me when I left the house this morning." "Good morning and welcome to Movies Till Sunrise." "Our feature presentation is the 1954 science fiction classic," "Amazon Women on the Moon, starring Laird Granger and Greta Van Zandt, complete and uncut, with no commercial interruptions." "This used to be me." "Old before my years, ignored by women, passed over for promotions." "But now all that has changed." "Hi." "I'm Sy Swerdlow, and I invented the patented process known as "hair looming. "" "If you suffer from premature hair loss, let our team of technicians... visit you in the privacy of your home... so there will be no embarrassment." "You choose from our selection... of over 200 colors and styles." "Then your head will be carpeted... with 100% pure acrylic fiber," "Completely natural-looking." "You can sleep in it." "You can shower in it." "It changed my life, and it'll change yours." "Call toll free... 1- 800-GET-HAIR." "Well, men, I've been studying this map of the lunar surface," "And I've chosen the dark side as our landing site." " So, don't forget your space beams." " Roger, Steve." "Just think, Loony, in less than an hour, we're gonna be on the moon." "The first thing I'm gonna do is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese." "Now, Butch, you know one of the purposes of this mission... is to dispel some of those myths." "Steve, I've got the president on the electro-scan." "Willikers!" "Come in, men of Moon Rocket One." "This is the president of the United States calling from planet Earth." "We read you, Mr. President." "This is Steve Nelson, commander, Moon Rocket One." "Commander Nelson, this is a proud day for all Americans, and this year of 1980 will be remembered as the year... an American first set foot on the moon." "The governors of all 48 states join me... in wishing Godspeed to you... and your handpicked team of scientists." "That's us, Loony." "Thank you, Mr. President." "We're proud to serve our country." "Over and out." "Blackie, neutralize the electro-scan." "Electro-scan neutralized, sir." "There she is, dead ahead!" "It's awesome, isn't it?" "I've got big plans for that piece of real estate." "I'm going to sell advertising space on that." "Just picture this... the world's biggest billboard." "We'll make a bundle." "Hold your horses, Blackie." "This voyage is for the betterment of mankind." "Let's not any of us forget that." "Sure, chief." "There goes my lunch." "It's right up there with my stomach." "Prepare for moon landing." " Initiate rotation system." " Rotation initiated." "Reverse retros." "Retros reversed." "Steve, we're losing pressure in the atom chamber." "If it drops any more, we're goners." "Quick, Blackie, switch to the emergency... ¤ Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree ¤" "¤ It's been three long years ¤" "¤ Do ya still want me ¤" "¤ If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree ¤" "¤ I'll stay on the bus forget about us ¤" "¤ Put the blame on me ¤" "Did you know that every seven minutes, a black person is born in this country without soul?" "Hello, I'm B.B. King." "Won't you help Don Simmons and the thousands of others... that suffer from this tragic disorder?" "Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone." "Let's take a look." "I think the Republican Party has done one heck of a job." "Don't you, June?" "I'll say, Ward." "We Republicans have turned this country around." "Safety and good mileage are the two things..." "I looked for in a new car." "That's why I bought a Volvo station wagon." "Hi." "I'm president of the David Hartman Fan Club here in Glendale." "I've even met David Hartman once." "What a neat guy." "¤ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheree ¤" "¤ A sweep is as lucky as lucky can be ¤" "¤ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheroo ¤" "¤ Good luck will rub off when I shake hands with you ¤" "This is B.B. King saying won't you please give... so that Don Simmons here and so many others... can become useful members of society." "¤ Or blow me a kiss and that's lucky too ¤" "Write to..." "Thank you." "Be right there." "Karen?" "Hi." "Hi." "I'm Jerry Stone." "Hi, Jerry." "Nice meeting you." "I'm sorry." "I'm running a little bit late." "Don't worry about it." "You look nice." "Thank you." "This is a great apartment." "Thanks." "Uh, I hope you like sushi." "I made reservations at Tokyo Rose on Columbus." "Great." "I hear it's terrific." "Normally there's a waiting list, but I know the maitre d'." "You know, I gotta tell you," "I never go on blind dates, but, uh," "I just have a feeling that this might be special." "Jerry?" "Before we leave, do me one small favor, will you?" "Sure." "What?" "Would you mind showing me a credit card and a valid driver's license?" " You're kidding." "Why?" " I'd like to run a "couple compatibility" check." "What the heck is that?" "You know, Jerry, it's tough being a single girl in the big city." "You meet all kinds of phonies and creeps." "That's why this machine comes in handy." "I just enter your I.D., and the central computer will tell me about your background." "I don't want a bank loan." "I just want to take you out." "I know, but I'd feel better running a check." "Two I.D.'s, please." "You're serious." "It'll just take a minute." "This is ridiculous, but, uh..." "Here's, uh..." "Three-one-six." "That's a cute picture." "MasterCard." "I don't know how I ever got along without one of these." "Changed my life." "Feel the same way about my VCR." "Ooh." "Right now I'm taping Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep." " I love Meryl Streep." " Oh, I am so into her." "Here it comes now." "All that about me?" "Geez." "They are very thorough." "This is great!" " What?" "What?" "What do you got there?" "What's..." "What's uh-oh?" "Jerry," "does the name Debbie Rothenberg mean anything to you?" "Debbie Rothenberg." "Oh, yeah." "I think I went out with her once or twice." "You had sex with her on the second date, and then you never called her again." " I hate when guys do that." " It says all that?" "Does the phrase "You're not only beautiful, but you're someone I feel I can open up to" mean anything to you?" "I'm not surprised." "You've used that line on your last 16 dates." "Look, this is ridiculous." "Debbie..." "Uh, Karen, I think... that we have something very special here." "You're not like the other women you... "You meet in the city. "" "See what I mean?" "And, Jerry," "I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed." ""Who's selfish in bed"?" "Well, how would you describe a man... who satisfies his own needs and rolls over and goes to sleep?" " I never did that in my life!" " Eleven times!" "You want names and dates?" "No." "No, I do not!" "Look, hey, hold it." "Anyway, that is just a small fraction of the hundreds of times..." "I've been intimate with women." "We're exaggerating a little, aren't we, Jerry?" "The record only shows 21 sexual intimacies." "There you are." "This doesn't jibe with my figures." "Okay, sweetie?" "Jerry, the statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man." "Twelve times, you ignored your date at a party... to flirt with a more attractive woman." "169 times, you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career." "On 17 occasions, you lied to women, telling them you were really into sushi and Meryl Streep movies." "Make that 18 times." "Where do they get these figures?" "As you can see, Jerry, it would be pointless for you and I to go out." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines and see how well you come off!" "Okay?" "Good night, Jerry." "It's early yet." "Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar." "Like you did last Thursday." "Hello, Beverly?" "This is Jerry Stone." "We met the other night at Dave's party." "Listen, I know it's last minute, but I wanna ask you, are you free tonight?" "You are." "Great." "Listen, I can pick you up in 10 minutes." "Sure, okay." "Oh, Jerry, um..." "Yeah?" "Could you bring a major credit card and a valid driver's license?" "Extraterrestrials." "Strange phenomena." "Missing persons." "Lost continents." "Myths and monsters." "We examine these mysteries to determine... are they bullshit or not?" "London's West End." "Here, in the winter of 1888, a series of bizarre and violent murders occurred, which remain unsolved to this very day." "Jack the Ripper." "Was he a prosperous London surgeon?" "Perhaps a member of British royalty." "Well, our Bullshit team has unearthed... spectacular new evidence which suggests... that Jack the Ripper was, in fact," "the Loch Ness Monster." "Is it possible that Nessie... murdered five streetwalkers before returning to Loch Ness?" "Using undiscovered evidence, we've pieced together the events leading up to the first murder." "Although this is a Bullshit reenactment, it may have happened just this way." "Hello, dearie." "Show you a good time for a quid." "Throw the wife in for free." "Oh, gents." "Don't you want a girl to keep you warm tonight?" "Me mum told me there would be nights like this." "Oh, my!" "You are a big one, now, aren't you?" "Come on, darlin'." "Mind you, don't you be steppin' on my feet now." "Ooh!" "Aren't you in an hurry!" "Now, will you be careful." "Not so rough, da..." "Wait a min..." "Is this the way it happened?" "Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?" "Did I take this job for a quick buck?" "We may never know the answers to these questions." "Next week..." "Come on." "To recap the three movies that we reviewed this week... here on Critics Corner," "Marc and I both gave a big thumbs up... to the new Swedish film directed by, uh, Olaf Svensen." "Olaf Svensen, called The Winter of my Despondency." " Haunting abstract symbolism." " It's arty crap." "Jonathan and I did split, however..." "On the newest teenage romp called Frat Slobs." "Jonathan, I think, thought it to be... a light, frothy soufflé... sizzling with youthful energy." "That I did." "On the other hand, I thought it was pond scum." "You're an albino." "What the hell do you know?" "We have a new feature we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner... we hope you'll enjoy." "We call it "Real Life Reviews,"" "in which we critique the life of an average person just like you." "Jonathan will begin with a review of the life of Harvey Putnik." "No." "Pitnik." "Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana." "Illinois." "Illinois." "Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois." "Bernice." "Bernice, come here." "They're talking about me on the television." "What?" "Come here." "Harvey Pitnik would seem to have all the ingredients..." "For a successful life." "You'd think so." "So why does he fail so miserably?" "I don't know." "I think the problem is with Harvey himself." "What the hell is this?" "You're right." "It is Harvey." "Very good, Jonathan." "It is Harvey." "So, we're supposed to care about this Harvey Pitnik?" "Why?" "I mean, it takes him 30 years to develop any character at all, and by the time he does, who cares?" "They're crucifying me." "It's hardly worth the wait." "He didn't like Gandhi either." "Let me show you." "Here's a scene from last year as Harvey is coming home from work." "Oh." "Hi, Scraps." "Hi, Dad." "Hi, kids." "How did they do this?" "Hi, honey." "Hi, dear." "Ooh." "Potatoes." "I didn't cons..." "I didn't consent for this to be on TV." "Dinner'll be ready in five minutes." "Okay." " Some exciting home life, huh?" " And it goes on like that, tediously, day in and day out." "Where's the love?" "Where's the passion?" "Where's the examination of one's own existence?" "This is a poor excuse for a life." "I give Harvey Pitnik a... a big thumbs down." "Thumbs down?" "I give him a thumbs down too." "But I didn't hate Harvey quite as much as you, Jonathan." "Oh, granted, his life was a miserable waste of time, but I rather enjoyed the Kafkaesque touches." "Here's a loser trapped in a dead-end job... and a..." "a loveless marriage." "How do they know that?" "Couldn't they have done anything to make this man human?" "Think of the money it took to bring him into the world." "A ton!" "To feed him and to clothe him and then to educate him." "And after all that, what have you got?" " You've got a big bore!" " A dull clod!" "An empty suit." "And another thing," "I was always one step ahead of this guy's life." "There just were no surprises!" "No." "Wait a minute." "What about the ending of his life?" "That came as a surprise." "Ending?" "I saw that coming a mile away!" "I didn't." "What ending?" "The high blood pressure." "The lack of exercise." "True." "Uh-huh." "The bad diet." "Of course." "By the time he finally has his heart attack in front of the TV, big deal!" "Heart attack?" "Heart attack?" "It's such a mundane way to go." "What are they talking about?" "A heart attack?" "I didn't have a..." "Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if, say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?" "He should've died years earlier." "Maybe in a submarine accident." "Harvey?" "Oh, my God!" "Possibly a giant squid." "Something to add a little science fiction to it." "I'm calling an ambulance." "I'm calling an ambulance!" "A tragic waste, but who cares?" "Oh, I see our time is up." "We want to thank you very much... for joining us on Critics Corner." "Hope you'll be back next week when we'll have an aisle seat reserved just for you." "Bye-bye." "There's so many things he could've done." "He could've had a better haircut." "We now return to the 1957 film," "Amazon Women on the Moon, starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark." "There will be no further interruptions." "Well, here we are on the moon." "This place gives me the willies." "Think we'll run into any moon men?" "Not intelligent life as you and I know it, Butch." "If there are any Martians, I'll bet they speak the universal language... do-re-mi!" "You remember the space oath you took at the academy, Blackie?" ""I will not exploit other worlds for personal gain. "" "Look at that." "Follow me, men." "Keep your eyes open." "Selma!" " Hey, dig that crazy full moon." "That's a full Earth, Butch." "Remember where we are." "Zowie!" "This is only a hunch, but..." "Steve!" "What are you doing?" "You're committing suicide!" "Just as I thought." "The moon has an atmosphere similar to Earth's." "Take off your helmets, boys." "Good old H20." "Steve, fill me in." "How'd you figure it out?" "Seems like Loony figured it out first." "That's my Loony, a regular Einstein." "Look!" "Are your parties dull and boring?" "Well, why not liven them up... with the snack food that's sweeping America." "Mmm!" "Say, Mike, this is some great paté." "It has such a unique flavor." "It's more than just an ordinary paté, Bill." "Watch." "Whoa!" "What the..." "You know, I never saw an appetizer do that before." "Well, you never tried Silly Paté before!" "Not only is it fun at parties, it's low in saturated fats." "And look." " It picks up your favorite comic strip!" "I'm eating Doonesbury." "And I'm eating Beetle Bailey." "You'll never have a dull, lifeless party again... with Silly Paté." "Available in all fine gourmet shops and toy stores everywhere." "It's time, Mrs. Pitnik." "Do I have to?" "Yeah." "We need the room again at 4:00." "Come on." "I-Is Har-Harvey here?" "Yeah." "He's in repose." "He looks great." "Oh!" "Okay, let's move along." "That's right." "Just relax, Mrs. Pitnik." "You're young." "You'll..." "You'll meet someone." "Send the kids to camp." "That's what I would do." "Okay, family up front, on the left." "Well, I guess that's it." "Everything's taken care of." "Everything." "And the buffet?" "To die." "Hey, Scooter." "Cute stuff." "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a wake." "So let's have fun with it, huh?" "Everybody, have a great time." "Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home, where many of the nation's top comedians have gathered to roast our guest ofhonor, the late Harvey Pitnik!" "Please welcome..." "Rip Taylor!" "Slappy White!" "Jackie Vernon!" "Henny Youngman!" "Charlie Callas!" "And our roast master..." "Mr. Steve Allen!" "And here he is, our man of the hour..." "Mr. Harvey Pitnik!" "There's Harvey!" "Thank you, ladies and mourners." "That's all right, Harvey." "Don't get up." "Anyway, be that as it may..." "and I doubt if it was... tonight we are here to pay tribute to a close, personal friend," "Harvey Pupik..." "I'm sorry." "Uh, Pitnik." "Harvey Pitnik." "Harvey was a man, my friends, who was the same in life... as he is in death... a stiff!" "But all seriousness aside, we are going to lay two things to rest..." "Harvey Pitnik and the rumor that Charlie Callas is funny." "Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny man, Charlie Callas." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Harvey, keep it down!" "Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin..." "Peshtabil..." "Poshbulv..." "whatever." "Who cares?" "Does it matter now?" "No, no." "And if Harvey were alive today, he'd be a very sick man." "We had..." "I'm sorry to make this announcement." "We had two disappointments tonight..." "Milton Berle could not make it and Rip Taylor could." "Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor." "All right." " Thank you so much." "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "Thank you so much, Steve." "Charlie said, "Harvey, keep it down. " Thank you." "Oh, well, there goes that act." "The president couldn't be here, Harvey, so he sent a wire." "Tell 'em." "It's a..." "Never mind." "What's this, an audience or a funeral?" "Now, pay attention, please." "But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine, and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch." "I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for 20." "Folks, I don't dance." "This is it, you see." "But I do feel for his widow, Bernice." "That was a romantic marriage." "She learned everything about sex from a manual." "The "Manuel" was their gardener." "I'm sorry." "I better wrap it up now, folks." "'Cause you know the old axiom in show business... "get off quick. "" "Like Harvey on his wedding night." " Could you die?" "I gotta go." "Good-bye." "Thank you so much." "Thank you folks." "I'm thrilled to be here tonight to pay tribute... to the late Harvey Pitnik." "But enough about Harvey." "Take my wife." "Please." "Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?" "They're worth it." "Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?" "They want to." "And that's what I think of you, Harvey." "Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip down memory lane." "And now..." "But seriously." "Henny, you were never funnier... and it's a shame." "But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey." "How about "ugly" and "cheap"?" "Harvey wrote his will on his cock, and his lawyer said it would not stand up in court." "Okay, Mrs. Pitnik." "You're on." "What?" "You're on." "Oh, no." "Oh, no." "I really can't..." "You're the widow." "You've got to give Harvey's rebuttal." "No, no, I can't go up there." " I can't do this." " But in conclusion, I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey." "Rigor mortis is the closest you ever come to a hard-on in 15 years." "I thank you." "Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents... as soon as we take 'em off his eyelids." "I don't get it." "I don't get it." "And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our guest of honor, his lovely widow, Bernice." "And nothing's changed, Harvey." "She's still gonna be doing all the talking." "Bernice Pitnik!" "Lovely woman." "Thank you, Merv..." "I mean, Steve." "That's quite all right." "Now, well, I would like to inject a serious note, as, uh, Henny Youngman did earlier." "I want to say to..." "Harvey, my late husband, as I look down at you, lying there motionless," "I can only think of one thing... our wedding night." "I'll never forget my... my last moments with..." "Harvey," "As I... as I took him into my arms... and I whispered those three little words:" ""Sign the will. "" "Great." "But seriously," "I'm glad to see Slappy White here today." "Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe." "And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee, or did a beaver curl up and die on your head?" "As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy." "At last, the greatest album oflove songs ever recorded." "You'll want to share them with someone special." "¤ Why do birds suddenly appear ¤" "Sung by the man who turned a personal affliction into a recording career," "Don "No Soul"Simmons." "¤ Just like me ¤" "¤ They long to be ¤" "¤ Close to you ¤" "¤ Why do stars ¤" "¤ Fall down from the sky ¤" "¤ Every time ¤" "¤ You walk by ¤" "¤ Just like me ¤" "¤ They long to be ¤" "¤ Close to you ¤" "¤ She'd been sitting there ¤ So curl up by the fireside... and listen to the non-threatening music of this master showman." "¤ And, honey, I miss you ¤" "¤ And I'm being good ¤" "¤ And I'd love to be with you ¤" "¤ If only I could ¤" "¤ Say, has anybody seen ¤" "¤ My sweet Gypsy Rose ¤" "¤ Here's her picture when she was ¤" "¤ My sweet Mary Jo ¤ Young lovers of any age... will cherish this timeless collection... of the world's most romantic ballads." "And if you act now, you'll get free... this bonus album:" "Don Simmons Down  Funky." "¤ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ¤" "¤ He was a good friend of mine ¤" "¤ I never understood a single word he said ¤" "This two-record collection is not available in any stores, so order now." "¤ Yes, he always had some mighty fine wine ¤" "By thunder!" "She's a lovely sight, lads!" "And you can bet your miserable lives... the cargo hold is filled with precious booty." "Let's take her, Cap'n." "Aye." "Are you game, lads?" "Aye!" "Video pirates!" "Man the guns and prepare to "defend boarders. "" "Fire!" "Cutlasses, me hearties!" "Give them a bellyful of steel." "Ah." "By gum, Captain!" "All the latest home videos." "In Beta and VHS!" "Aye!" "Some so current, they're still in theatrical release." "Help yourself, mates." "A chest full of video discs." "No!" "What good are they?" "Can't record on 'em." "They're not compatible with my system." "Captain!" "This one's locked." "Stand back." "Open 'er up." "Gather around, me buckoes, and feast your eyes on this." "Make all the illegal copies you want." "Put it on." "Aye, aye, Captain." "Ohhh, I'm so scared." "I said I don't want to be disturbed." "Griffin, it's me, Trent." "Trent, I've been waiting for you." "Come in." "Ah, Griffin." "I came as soon as I received your cable." "Good God, man, what happened?" "I've done it, Trent." "At long last, I've done it." "I finally duplicated my father's formula for invisibility... after five years of injecting myself with every chemical known to man." "But Griffin, the invisibility formula turned your father into a raving lunatic." "That's where I've topped the old man." "I've been on the stuff for over a week now, and I'm still perfectly sane." "Yes." "I'll rule the world with my secret." "Yes." "And I'll need you, Trent." "I must have a visible partner." "I can tell by your stunned expression that you're pretty impressed." "Look, Ma, no hands." "I haven't come up with a reagent to make myself visible again." "But what's the rush?" "I'm having a ball." "Watch me closely." "Ever see a shirt make a phone call?" "Pretty scary, huh?" "Wait till you see this." "Uh, no." "Griffin, you don't have to go all the way." "Yes." "Just listen for the sound of my voice, and you'll know where I am at all times." "Come on." "Let's have some laughs!" "Griffin!" "Being invisible is the best!" "Hey!" "Here comes the invisible man again." "You, go and get some help." "I'll watch him here." "Whee-ooh!" "Whee-ooh!" "Oh, my." "Now how did that happen?" "Must be a ghost in 'ere." "This is unreal." "I'm terribly sorry." "Now, now, now." "What's all this?" "Here he is, Officer." "Take it easy with him." "He's not really dangerous." "Come along quietly then, guv." "You'll have to find me first." "Come along." "Let's cover this one up." "Come on." "Wait." "I'm invisible." "Don't touch me there." "Selma!" "We now return to our feature... starring Greta Van Zandt and Lyle Talbot." "There will be no further interruptions." "This looks like the remains of some ancient culture." "Steve, I said some things back there that I shouldn't have." "Anyway, thanks for saving me from that dinosaur." "Forget it." "Hey, would you get a load of this joint?" "This throne is still warm." "Where are you going?" "I forgot somethin' back on the ship." "What?" "I forgot to stay there." "We are experiencing technical difficulties." "Please stand by." "We are experiencing techn..." "I demand that you set us free, Queen Lara." "We are on an official mission from the planet Earth." "Ha! "Planet Earth. "" "Is that what you call that pitiful ball hanging in the sky?" "You wouldn't say that if you saw Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers." "Silence, swine, or you will suffer the same fate as your friend." "I intend to file a protest in the death of Blackie!" "He dared to enter the sacred temple and steal the precious moonstones." "But feeding him to giant spiders without the benefit of counsel... is not the way we do things in America." "Boy, I never thought I'd be so miserable... surrounded by beautiful dames." "Cut the gags, Butch." "We're in enough trouble." "What's she lookin' at?" "She acts like she's never seen a man before." "She hasn't." "Have you, Alpha Beta?" "No, my queen." "What are men good for?" "Well, I'm pretty good in the backseat of a Studebaker." "Butch!" "Men are useless." "Back where I come from, no woman is complete without a man." "You see, Commander Nelson, 12,000 gamma-spans ago..." ""Gamma-spans"?" "A moon unit of time, roughly equivalent to your Earth year." "Anyway, all men were banished from the lunar surface because they couldn't..." "For 131 years, this great institution has amassed... what many consider to be the finest collection of art anywhere in the world." "And now it can all be yours." "We've lost our lease!" "That's right." "Everything must go." "From the old masters of Europe to the conceptual artists of today's SoHo." "We're talking Rembrandts, Botticellis," "Gauguin, Cézanne, Matisse, Renoir... and the chairman of the board," "Leonardo da Vinci." "This Egyptian sarcophagus... from the dynasty of Ramses II, appraised at $14 million." "Our price?" "$19.95." "Buy now, and we'll toss in, free of charge, the original Declaration of Independence." "Now you might expect to pay millions for this document... that shaped a great nation." "But it's yours free." "This fine parchment will enhance any den or playroom." "And you can have some fun with your friends... by adding your own name along with the original signers." "Remember, the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art." "Every Van Gogh must go." "Hello, I'm Henry Silva." "Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage in 1912, people have asked, "How did it happen?"" "Join me... as we dramatically recreate..." "¤ Nearer ¤ the sinking of the great ocean liner Titanic. ¤ My God, to thee ¤" "Bullshit or not?" "You be the judge, here on this station." "From the pen of America's wealthiest author," "Irving Sidney, the man who gave us..." "The best-sellers, Irving Sidney's The Naked Virgin..." "And Irving Sidney's The Power and the Flesh, comes Irving Sidney's sizzling new blockbuster..." "Hey, baby." "Long time no see, huh?" "There must be some mistake." "Come on." "Who are ya kiddin'?" "It's me." "It's Bert." "Look, I'm in town with the textile convention, and I thought maybe we could, uh, you know, party!" "I don't do that anymore." "Oh..." "You better get out of here before you wake the president." "When President Harrison Chandler was married in the White House, it was the social event of the decade." "The courageous president... and his beautiful new bride." "But she possessed a secret that could shatter her dreams... and topple a government." "I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room in five minutes." "She was forced to live a lie... when her sins came back to haunt her." "She was "first lady of the evening. "" "Irving Sidney's 1st Lady of the Evening." "A Magnet paperback in easy-to-read type with no big words." "¤ Birds suddenly appear ¤" "¤ Every time ¤" "Look, Violet, what do you say we go park out by the lake?" "My glands are out of control." "Well, okay, Georgie, but are you prepared?" "I've been preparing myself for 17 years." "That's not what I meant." "¤ Fall down from the sky ¤ Pull over to that drugstore." "¤ On the day that you were born the angels got together ¤" "¤ And decided to create a dream come true ¤" " Georgie." "¤ So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair ¤" "¤ And golden starlight ¤" " Make sure you ask for Titans." "Those are the best." "¤ That is why all the boys ¤" "Hello, George." "How are ya?" "Uh, hi, Mr. Gower." "I" " I didn't think you worked nights." "My night man took sick." "What can I do for you?" "We're having a sale on shaving cre..." "What am I saying?" "You're not old enough to shave yet." "I've been shaving since March." "See?" "Hey, I'd better call your mom right now and thank her... for the preserves she brought over to our house..." "Not now!" "I mean..." "I mean, don't bother." "I'll give her the message for you." " I'll bet I know what you want." " You do?" "Sure." "I was young once." "Licorice sticks." "They came in fresh this morning." "Mr. Gower, I'm 17 years old." "Already?" "Seems like only yesterday... your mom was in here buying talc... to powder your little bottom." "look..." "Never mind." "Thanks." "¤ Follow you ¤" "¤ All around ¤" "¤ Just like me ¤" "¤ They long to be ¤" "Almost forgot what I came in for." "Tube of toothpaste and a box of..." "Toothpaste and what?" "A box of..." "Titans." "You have to speak up, George." "Titans!" "I want a box of Titan condoms!" "George!" "And to think you were an altar boy." "You did say "Titans"?" "Oh, only about four times." "Thanks, Mr. Gower." "What's goin' on?" "George?" "Rupert King, president of Titan Condoms." "Congratulations, young man." "You are our one-billionth customer." "Pictures." "Thanks, but I really gotta go." "Not so fast, kid." "We've been planning this for months." "It's really not necessary." "Tell me, George, how long have you been using our fine Titan products?" "Uh, you could say I never use anything else." "Great quote." "Are you getting all of this?" "You're not gonna use my name, are you?" "Modesty, I like it." "You could give Titans that wholesome image we're looking for." "Do you know what you're doing to me?" "The entire town's gonna know about this." "You'll be a household name, George, just like Bip, our Titan mascot!" "Pictures." "Pictures." "Hi, folks." "Hi, George." "Hi, everybody." "Hey, George, will you autograph a box for me?" "Get used to that, George." "More good news, George." "Even as we speak, your parents are racing here to join you in your moment ofTitan triumph." "My parents?" "Are you nuts?" "I'm not even supposed to have the car." "Make sure you airbrush out the kid's acne, okay?" "George, as a token of our thanks, we'd like you to have this lifetime supply ofTitans!" " Thank you, Connie." " All I wanted was one." " Violet!" " George, I can tell, you're as excited as we are, as you begin this, your yearlong reign as our Titan king!" "Yippee!" "And now the exciting conclusion of the 1955 feature," "Amazon Women of the Moon." "There will be no further commercial interruptions." "Bullshit or not?" "Hey, cut the mush, you two." "This place is about to blow sky high." "Yes, look!" "Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry." "Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn." "We haven't got much time." "Let's go!" "Come on, Loony." "There's the rocket." "Hurry!" "Come on, Alpha Beta." "When we get back to Earth, I'm gonna show you Ebbets Field." "Oh, Steve, save yourself." "I wouldn't be able to enjoy Earth without you." "Fasten seat belts." "I think we got about 12 seconds before everything blows." "Fire retros." "She won't turn over!" "Listen to that sweet music." "There goes the only home I've ever known." "You got a new home now, Lara, With me on Earth." "What are they doing, Butch?" "Well, it's called smoochin', babe." "Come here." "I'll give ya your first lesson." "Earth to Moon Rocket One." "Earth to Moon Rocket One." "This is the President." "Steve, I hope you have things well in hand." "I'll say." "Whooping, Gunfire" "Yeah, you." "Come here." "Yeah?" "Saturday night." " Yeah?" " Ain't got a date." " What's your name, kid?" " Ray." "You must be Ray." "I'm Sherrie." "I heard you were good-looking, but I had no idea." "Come on in." "As you can see, I made dinner." "Mmm, but I'm not hungry just yet... for food." "Do you know what I mean?" "Help me with my zipper, Ray?" "That's so much better." "God, you're such a hunk, Ray." "I want you." "And I want you now." "Get over here, Ray." "I'm waiting, Ray." "Take me." "I want you to make wild, violent love to me." "Oh, you're so good, Ray." "You're the best, Ray." "Yeah, yeah." "Ray, give it to me!" "Mmm, that's good, Ray." "Yeah!" " You dirty slut!" " Frankie, what are you doin' here?" " I thought you were outta town!" " That's what I wanted you to think!" " And I expected a little more from you, Ray." " What, of me?" " You think I care about a loser like Ray?" " Loser?" " I did it to hurt you." " You did it to hurt me?" "Well, your cheatin' days are over, street meat!" "Frankie, what are you doin'with that gun?" "I'm gonna teach you... and this little know-nothing wimp a lesson!" " That's what I'm doin' with the gun." " No, Frankie!" "I love you!" "I've always loved you." "You think I enjoyed going to bed with a worm like Ray?" "Shut up!" " Worm?" " You're history, Sherrie." "Satisfied, Ray?" "Hmm?" "Happy now, buddy?" "Well, you're gonna have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life." "And you know what else, Ray?" "You're gonna have to live with this too." "Freeze!" "You have the right to remain silent." "If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." "You have the right to speak with an attorney and have an attorney present at time of questioning." "¤ I was at a dance ¤" "¤ When she caught my eye ¤" "¤ Standing all alone ¤" "¤ Looking sad and shy ¤" "¤ We began to dance ¤" "¤ Swayin' to and fro whoa, whoa ¤" "¤ And soon I knew I'd never let her go ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ With its magic spell ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ That she did so well ¤" "¤ Oh, it all began with just one little dance ¤" "¤ But soon it ended up a big romance ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ The dance of love ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ With its magic spell ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ That she did so well ¤" "¤ Oh, it all began with just one little dance ¤" "¤ But soon it ended up a big romance ¤" "¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤" "¤ The dance of love ¤" "Is there anybody out there?" "Would you please do me a favor?" "Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the TV set he sold me has a problem." "I'm still under warranty." "Hello?" "Hello?" "Help me." "I'll never see Selma." "I'll never get back." "I'll never get back." "I'm finished." "I'm finished." "I'll never get back." "I'm goin' out of my mind." "Mary Brown?" " Yes." " Sit down, Mary Brown." "Thank you, Doctor." "Mary, I've been going over your tests." "How did a nice girl like you... come to contract a social disease?" "Then my worst fears are confirmed." "Oh, the shame of it!" "Now, now." "You are unclean, but there's always hope." "Tell me how you went astray." "Tell me everything." "I won a..." "beauty contest... here in Iowa." "I thought I'd try my luck..." "in New York." "It wasn't like Iowa at all." "And then I met a theatrical agent." "Gosh, that sure is different than the sarsaparilla we have back home." "Well, we like a little more "sass" in our "parilla. "" "Now, Mary I didn't get you up here to dish out a lot o' hooey." "Oh, that's all right." "I already had lunch." "You see, there's a social side to this business we call "show. "" "Now, uh, let me see your gams." "What?" "I was humiliated, though oddly excited." "Well, he told me he could spot fresh talent... and sent me to see a colleague of his named Dutch Monahan. ¤" "It turned out to be a wild party." "Here." "Dunk your whiskers in this, sister." "You guys sure like your sarsaparilla in this town." "Get her." "Shut your trap, or I'll bite your ears off." "Keep your hands off me, ya big palooka." "That was my first exposure to New York intellectuals." "Gee, whiz." "My first sophisticated, New York party." "Which one is Cole Porter?" "When you realized that your body had been rendered impure, what did you do?" "I made another foolish blunder." "I married my high school sweetheart, Ken." "My shameful affliction was exposed at last... when Ken began showing symptoms of the disease." "Good-bye, honey." "I'm going to work." "Good-bye." "Ken, what's wrong?" "My eyes." "Had my sinful ways caught up with me?" "Had I inflicted Ken with my secret shame?" "Ken's vision began to affect his work." "Mike!" "Sorry!" "Ah, today's reckless youth, with your fast roadsters and your rumble seats." "I want to show you something, Mary Brown, for your own good." "Take a look at the germs that have ravaged your system." "Come now with me to the clinic." "What you are going to see here is not pleasant." "I didn't realize we had such specialized clinics here in Iowa." "When science is on the march, nothing can stand in its way." "Who is that pitiful creature?" "Let's call him..." "Pete Jones." "Pete's first troubles were with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer." "Weren't they, Pete?" "Get back!" "We don't have any cigarettes!" "Sad, isn't it?" "I've seen enough, Doctor!" "I know you have." "But have you?" "Resist temptation, or you may end up... like Pete..." "and Mary... and Ken."