"Keep it real." "We imprison you for bein so fit and not allowing us to bone you, you will be locked up in here forever." "There ain't no one in the world with a big enough brain or dong to rescue you." "Help!" "Somebody help me please!" "West Staines in da house." "Open the fridge - smell the cheese..." "Hello cheeky." "Don't untie me, just flip me over and bone me." "(Oh me so horny, oh me so horny)" "(He love you long time)" "Booyakasha." "Believe it or not, dat weren't real, but what is real is de message behind it, which is about de importance of showing respect to people and especially to bitches." "I won't let ever let any of me ho's be treated bad unless dey pacifically request it." "Infact de theme of dis whole show is respect" "R-E-S-T-E-C-P." "Coz dere ain't enuf respect in de earth innit - people dis each other every day, people say swear word to older generation in de street, an only de other day someone did a piss on me nan's sofa." "It was me nan - but still it could've been someone else." "We also have to have respect for de house of Commons." "Cos it aint just a place where loads of blokes get drunk and bum each other." "It is also got something to do with politics." "To find out more about this subject me got a labour Lord, a professor of politics and Lady Olga Maitland, who I definately would into a room." "Check it." "Lets talk about Parliament, do you think you should have a minister for Dj-ing or spliff?" "We have a minister for sport" " Aii and that is a reflection and culture generally." "But do you not think that there should be one geezer, whose making sure that the best quality gear is coming in." "Well there is a chap called a drug Tzar..." " Tzar that's right, Hellywell." "I don't know quite what his responsibilites are" "His job is to keep the best stuff out." "I heard that in some country, it was... urm, Nugoslavia or whatever they has a porn star who is in the government." "Is that true?" "That's in Italy." "They have a girl, who was a porn star." " La Chicholina." "In parliament she is gonna win any argument she don't need to say anything, she just show a bit of flange or whatever." "You're mixing up style with substance." "Its easier for me to answer on this I think, because..." "Why cos you know a lot of porno?" "No no absolutely not." "Because I haven't been an MP" "I've noticed over the years that all sorts of people, come from all sorts of backgrounds into politics and a lot of them are surprised how difficult it is." "Why don't you make the House of Commons all black?" "It would be unrepresentative." "All black did you say?" " Aii for real." "Because the ethnic minority community in Britain only makes up about 5% of the entire population." "Aii, but they is always gonna be a minority unless you get it all black." "So would you let Busta Rhymes take over your party?" "If he decided to give up the entertainment industry to become a serious politician, and earns the respect of people for doing just that why shouldn't he be elected?" "Would you let Busta Rhymes take over your party?" "Only if he was a man of quite outstanding ability." "He has one of the most original rapping styles in America." "Do you think the voting age is at the right level?" "Yes and I took an active part in lowering it from 21 to 18." "Ain't there a problem that some people is maturing at different ages, professor?" "Of course that's true but you must have some simple boundry about it." "Why don't you say: when you has got pubes you can have the vote, cos I got them well young when I was 16 or whatever." "That it's a very difficult argument you're putting forward..." "Alright lets talk about that cos that's interesting, innit?" "No no it's genuinely difficult because as you rightly say people do mature at very different..." " For real." "Some people has full bush when they is like 13 whatever." "It would be very difficult to arrange testing and so on." "I check the ladies, Aii?" "it is the same with the other end of the age scale." "Actually that whole thing wouldn't work cos of the whole popularity of the shaven haven and all that." "Ok well lets talk about dis, 20 years ago women didn't have the vote but now they is considered equal." "Do you think in 20 years time animals will have the vote?" " No." "I don't..." " Why not?" "They is also human beings?" " They are not." " but there is dogs that can drive, why won't they be able to vote?" " What do you mean dogs can drive?" "Well I is seen that on the telly." "I is seen it on..." "I think you have to accept... that the human world is vastly different from the animal world, animals are not human beings." " Why can't they have an animal parliament?" "There's a famous case which your pointing to..." "George Orwells novel Animal Farm, which is a satire on the lack..." "Oh I seen a film of that." " Right." "There the animals..." " I thought it was illegal?" "No and... there he was talking about fascism or communism... and he used the animals just as an analogy." "And human beings..." "The one with the horses and that girl?" " Yes and the pig takes over the..." "Oh yeh oh that was disgusting." "Some animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others." "For real." " A very famous quote." "I can't believe we've all seen that." "Two legs good, four legs bad." " oh yeh I remember that bit." "But that I thought that was illegal that film?" "No what that points to through Orwell is that we have to, defend democracy as hard as we can." "Aiii, for real?" "Back by dope demand bringing maximum respecs todadecks, DJ Tha4orce." "Can I have a go?" " No." "You may not know this but I do actually have a residency at the Crooked Billet in Iver Heath." "(Patwa reply)" "Is that a yes?" "U touch me decks you die." "Well I iz a bit busy anyway, cos this is on the telly and all dat..." "Hear me now." "Me guest tonite is de third brainiest interviewer in da country." "De brainiest wears a Tommy hat and yellow sunglasses, me aint naming no names." "Ali G." "De second is Inspector Wilson of de Staines Constalubary, him ask well hard questions, like:" "'If dat is your house why is you climbing in through the upstairs window?" "'" "So please big it up for number three." "Da man who make Jeremy Pacman look like a total batty boy..." "John Humphrys." "So Humphry you used to present the nine o'clock news." "Is that true?" "That is true." "So what time was that on?" "It was usually on at nine." "Did you ever think of just making up the news?" "What do you mean THINK of it?" "You must have been tempted like de end of term one of your last days whatever." "Saying news has just come in:" "The commies has just sent over 100 nukes, you has got 10 minutes to go out an nob as many people as you can and I is starting here with Moira." "Did you believe all those things that we sat there and told you night after night did you really believe that all of those politicians could have done all of those strange things." "I got to be honest here, I never watched it." " No." "I saw it once but it was a bit crap." " I got that impression, yes." "Did you ever try and put the other news caster off, you know like when she was reading a serious story you just go..." "Yes or no, yes or no?" "I'll have to think about that, not quite as blatant as that." "How do you prepare for an interview?" "Well I don't always prepare for interviews, it depends." "Do you ever like psych yourself up by listening to speed garage without a shirt on infront of the mirror." " Not very often, no." "Now you ain't on the news anymore, what do you do?" "I do radio and I do..." " Aii for real?" "So you prese..." " The today programme." "What time do you get up in the morning?" "About half past three." "So what time do you have to go to bed?" "nine o'clock." " What in the evening?" "Ha ha ha!" "I can stay up till whenever I want." "even me sister don't have to go to bed till one and she fifteen." "You go to bed at nine in the evening?" " Hm." "Is that a struggle going to sleep at that time?" "Hmm... it depends." "Do you always have to crack one off?" "That's a yes." "So what is the radio station called?" "It's called radio 4." "I ain't never heard of that." "Is that pirate?" " Yes." "Some people say so yes, but it's pretty mainstream." "So what time does your radio show start?" "Six o'clock in the morning." "So is it mainly for people getting back from clubs?" "You lay down some ambient tunes for people coming down of one?" "I think probably on balance no," "It's more for people going to work rather than people coming home." "Anyway, enough about the news." "Lets talk about your balls." "I heard you had a versemony." "Is that true?" "Would you explain what you mean by versemony?" "I don't know..." "I think you take it, you put it inbetween there, and me mate Dave, cos him well fat, he can do like he's got babillons and he walk around and say 'hey you lookin good," "hey you like me?" "You like me?" "He look quite fit and then suddenly you see his balls through the back bit." "You think that ain't right." "I can safely say that I've never had one of those, no." "I is heard that your wife has got pregers and how old is you?" "56." "Respect!" "Maximum respect!" "Big him up!" "Big up yourself!" "Is you just walking around now going:" "everyting in working order." "Aii?" "You got any children?" "That is a personal question." "If I say dat the child support agency come round here, them get me well bad." "Any reason why you don't have any children?" "Are you sure it works?" "I'm just curious." "Anyway fank you very much, John Humphry!" "Big up yourself." "Now we is learn't a lot in de first half of de show, but to help us fink more clearly while de ads is on," "I is gonna be passin round the audience this 'mimmellium spliff'." "I is spent de last 6 months makin dis, from exactly 2100 rizzla and it has a little sumfin in it... from every respectable hash producing country inde world, innit." "If you want to start it off now John." "Keep it real." "Respect." "You was meant to pass that round the audience." "You've bumsucked this, you just left me a soggy roach." "Fank you John..." "Respect... ever heard of it?" "Yo, brothers and sisters." "If you really care for and respect your bitch and wanna get her a pressie but can't be arsed dealing with the hastle of Argos on a Saturday, well chill and skin up another bifta cos I is invented a way," "that you can do all of your shopping from the comfort of your own bog, if, like me, you angle the mirror towards the tele to combine two of the best things in life." "Hello welcome to QVG." "Here is some of de wonderful stuff I is managed to get me hands on dis week." "For just forty notes you can have dis lovely Philips car stereo... and I is throwin in a Luther Vandross tape for free, mainly cos I can't get it out." "Or for just 15 squid howsabout dis lovely Nokia 1520 mobile phone?" "all you have to do is sometimes pretend to be called 'Anthony'... an every now and den just give a small amount of medical advice." "Finally, if you fought only gays ride bicycles, den fink again." "Look at dis beauty for 85 nicker and it's already locked up for you, coz there is a lot of fieves arround these days." "Check dis beautiful lock." "You can have fun doing the combination, to open it all you have to do is guess 4 numbers." "Now there is only 10 numbers in de world so that's only 40 numbers it could be." "And because this is a special day I is throwin in a set of railins for free." "And dere'll be some more stuff next week if Dangerous Dave can get the electronic tag off his ankle." "Repect." "Now it time for Borat the only man whose got a bigger moustache than me Nan." "Check it." "Dziendobre, Jagshemash." "When you hear the word England you think of country with the most talented actors in the world," "Lawrence Oliver, Alec Guinness... and Frank Spencer, 'oh Betty the cat done a shit' that man can do nothing right and two things wrong, this is why I come to Edinbugh Festival to find most talented performer" "and bring them back to Kazakhstan." "I now go to meet funniest comedians in Britain:" "Oversausage." "Knock knock knock." "Oh what?" " Morning madam." "Would madam be interested in buying a prime number?" "A prime number, what's one of those?" "It's a very special number it's what we call a 'prime number'." "Divisible only by itself and one." " What's the point of that?" "It can't be broken down into smaller pieces and that means children can't swallow it." "Yes!" "Er... what is English humour?" "Faulty Towers?" "Faulty towers." " Yes." " With the Monty Python, we have..." "We have been likened to Monty Python in our reviews..." "Yes this when I look at you it remind me of Monty Python." "It is slapstick, that kind of..." "What is a stick?" "Like that." " That's not a stick, that was a hat." "That's Slapstick." " What?" "Slapstick." "That's slapstick." " So you can come up and do a hit?" "Yeh, take a shot, go on have a hit." "I can't hit a woman." "I can hit you?" "Hit me." "Go on go on." "It's fun!" "Again!" "Yeh go for it." "Oh god, this creature just makes me..." "Knock time in the feathered persons department" "Will you please kindly turn down the volume?" "You are from USA?" "Yes, I was born in the midwest." "Do you know many American?" "Well, er..." "Do I know many people in the US?" " Yes" "Oh yes." "Thousands." "Do you know Lionel Richie?" " I know who he is." "Because people say I look..." "in Kazhakstan" "Is it me the lucky fool..." " Yes, you do a bit" "Do you know Dolly Parton?" " Yes." "What is she like?" " She is a very intelligent person" " Yes." "Extremely intelligent, she has done a lot of good things, a lot of really good shows," "She had a TV-show for two years, which was very good" "She has a big tits..." "Wawawiwa!" " That is true" "Goodbye Samantha Fox, hello Dolly!" "She has lots more than that." "She has a wonderful American folk park." "But they... so big." "Well, that is her initial claim to fame" "They are incredible." "Thank you, my friends." "I go now to see 'Striptease Monamour'" "I hope it is as good as 'Strip Strip Bing Bang', in Kasensler Street." "Yeh, yes." "So we make clear this is no striptease like America like... dirty, there is no hands relief." " No, no." "I hope you come to Almati Festival in Kazakhstan." "And is that international as well people from all over the world?" "We have we have a pop group from England, Right Said Fred." "Ever him sing, 'I too Sexy, I'm too sexy', Big fat man, 'I too sexy'... big..." "You listen to the music" " Yes." "you close your eyes, you feel the movement in your body and just you follow like you want with your body the flow of this music." "Yes, right." "We lie on the floor?" "And why?" "I'm sorry," " That's ok." "I have done a..." "Lets just move this part of the body up and down" " Yes." "and then just bang it on the floor" " Yes." "and then just let whatever noises come out, come out." "Yes." "sexy, sexy, - sexy, sexy, - sexy..." "I too sexy for... sexy" " I am too sexy" " I too sexy" "I too sexy for my shirt, I too sexy for my shirt..." "Westside." "As you know in dis show we get on struggling musicians and I use me mad skillz to make dem sound less crap." "Tonite I is gonna use me expertise" "Fr-fr-fr-fresh... on a band called Travis, so please big it up." "Big up yourself." "Nice to meet you Travis." "My name's Fran." " Well where is Travis?" "I thought we was getting Travis on." "The names taken from the character in Paris Texas which was a film, that was out in the eighties which is why..." "Sorry I can't understand a word you is saying, where is you from?" "I'm from Scotland." "That's in Wales innit?" "Now lets have a look at you." "You is actually gonna perform this now, so when is you intending to get changed?" "Well, I am changed." "This is going out on the telly you know?" "Has you seen your hair in the mirror?" "I fink the make up girls is been havin a laugh." "They has done it all up there so it look like a bush." "Tell you what... cos I feel sorry for you, I will borrow you this." "Now me listen to your music... and it's fuckin miserable." "So what song is we gonna do now?" " Why does it always rain on me?" "I got no idea, but what is the name of the song?" "Why does it always rain on me." "Is you a bit fick?" "Whatever, just do it and we'll... do it." "Brothers and Sisters now it time for Travis with a song." "Nice." "Keep it going." "I can't sleep tonight everybody saying everything is alright still I can't close my eyes - yeh, whatever..." "I'm seeing a tunnel at the end..." " I'm gonna add just a tiny bit of drums." "of all these lights." "Sunny days where have you gone?" " I'll add just a little bit of sample." "I get the strangest feeling you belong" "Just a little more." "Why does it always rain on me, even when the sun is shining..." "Just a bit of advice, you don't need that." "Why does it always rain on me?" "Me got the batty, me like de batty, me ride de batty, me got the batty, me got the batty, cummon now, cummon now," "Why does it always rain on me?" "This man can sing for a white boy." "Me wanna big up all the guests for tonight, me wanna big up me main man Travis." "Bo bo bo bo!" "Hear me now!" "Big up yourself!"