"Hey, check it out, guys." "Got a ton of swag from a beer distributor." "Oh-ho." "I love free stuff." " All right, Owen, you get the hat." " Thanks." "Roy, you get some bar towels." "Ahmed..." "Bottle opener." "Nice." "Ooh, a beer helmet." "I'll take this." "This is perfect for my morning stroll... or church." "Oh, what's this?" "That would be my swag." "Is there cash in there?" "A-are you getting a kickback?" "It's not for selling beer." "I have pictures of the guy dressed as not a guy." "Check this out." "A breathalyzer with their logo on the front." "[Chuckles]" "Oh, look, there's a joke on the back." "Oh, this is good." ""Please drink responsibly."" "[Laughter]" "Breathalyzer..." "Now, that is cool." "Do you know what a breathalyzer is?" "Yes." "It tells if your breath is lying." "Owen, you breathe in the tube." "It measures your blood/alcohol level so you don't drink and drive." "[Beep]" "[Beep]" "[Beep, beep]" "Get that thing away from me!" "And give me one more for the road, Steve." "♪ da da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪" "♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪" "♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪" "♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey!" "♪" "Hey, Ahmed, how did things go with the hot girl Saturday night?" "Oh, man, she was all over me, right?" "Yeah, it was like she just got out of prison or something." "Better..." "A 15-year marriage." "Man, I'm eight years into my sentence." "Can't remember the last time I had a conjugal visit." "It's been all solitary." "You know what?" "I'm breaking myself out tonight "Shawshank" -style!" "So, what happened after you left here?" "Did you go back to your place?" "No, we went to get coffee because she wanted us to get to know each other better." " Not laid!" " Not laid!" "What about you, Owen?" "I had a date, but she canceled." "So I went back to my place and ran the bases myself." "That's my little ballplayer." "With him, it's practice, practice, practice." "And I tell you, when you put in all that time, you see the results." "What about you, Steve?" "How did your Saturday night go?" "Same old thing." "You know, it's tough to meet somebody when you're working all the time." "You know, I wouldn't mind having a woman waiting for me upstairs after work that wasn't my mother." "You're a bartender." "You meet women all the time." "Yeah, but they're not relationship material." "You know me..." "I always put my career first." "But now I'm back home." "I got my priorities straight." "I'm not settling for less." "Okay, this conversation is depressing the shit out of me." "Can we stop talking about how much our dating lives suck?" "Hey, guys." "Say hi to Nick." "We met at the supermarket." "We both reached for the same pack of gum." "And the next thing you know, we're having lunch together." "Isn't that awesome?" "!" " Screw you!" "Screw you!" " Screw you!" " Screw you!" "Thanks again for lunch, Nick." " That was great." " Yeah." "How did you find that awesome little Italian place?" "Olive Garden?" " I'm trying too hard, right?" " A bit." "[Chuckles]" "Well, I have to get back to the office." "I'll... text you later." "You know, uh, l-let's not ruin it with a kiss." "Good idea." "Something to look forward to." "Hank, you okay?" "You look a little slow today." "Am I?" "Did you move the bar further away from the door since last night?" "No." "Hank, maybe you're just a little run-down." "Nah, I'm okay." "1, 2, 3!" "4, 5, 6!" "6!" "Steve, did you move the barstools higher since last night?" "Hank, are you sure you're okay?" "Your hand is shaking." "'Cause it's not holding a beer!" "Oh, I feel a little dizzy." "Hank, you need to go to the doctor." "Yeah, right now." "Okay, I have to drink my beer first." "Before you go to your doctor?" "Yeah, he starts to worry if he sees a drop in my blood/alcohol level." "Hey, check her out." "Sweet." "Looks like I'm done rounding the bases myself." "Good luck, slugger." "I have a gift." "I can guess any woman's weight." "You're 117 pounds." "I'm 118." "Well, it's good to have a goal." "Aww, you're strange but cute." "I'm sorry." "I really have to get back to work." "[Chuckles]" "I totally got shot down, but she was so nice about it." "Really?" "Yeah, go for it." "Hi." "I'm Ahmed." "You seem like an interesting guy, Ahmed, but I'm sorry." "I'm really busy." "I get it." "She called me interesting." "That was fantastic!" "We've really elevated the type of women we get shot down by." "Wow." "Who is that?" "Don't waste your time." "She's nice, but she's really, really busy." "Then she probably doesn't want to be bothered." "You're always complaining you don't have time to meet women because you work too hard." "Here's your chance." "Yeah, you don't want to be married to a bar." "Wish I was married to a bar." "You always know there's something you can tap." "You guys are right." "I-I haven't had a serious girlfriend since New York." "Way too long." "Yeah, I bet she'd like you, Steve." "Carol:" "Oh, I'd have to agree." "Steve's fine euro-Asian features have been known to keep me up at night." "So smooth..." "Like a dolphin." "Of course Steve can get her." "All he has to do is play the lawyer card." "I don't need the lawyer card." "Yeah." "Steve's good-looking, smart..." "Still lives at home, sunk all of his money into this place." "You're gonna need the lawyer card." "Hi." "I'm Steve." "I-I couldn't help noticing that..." "That I don't have a drink." "Yes, Irish coffee, and could you make sure people stop bothering me?" "Thanks so much." "You know, I'm not just the bartender." "I, uh..." "I own the place." "That's nice." "I'm also a lawyer." "I'm a lawyer, too." "I'll get you that drink." "Played the lawyer card, didn't you?" "Like a bitch." "Hank, what did the doctor say?" "It was very informative." " My testosterone is low." " How low?" "Well, you know my man boobs?" "Turns out they're just boobs." "Eyes up here, Owen!" "Instead of being at 900, my hormone count is at a lofty 2." "A newborn girl has a count of 10." "Can I touch one of 'em?" "Not without a lobster dinner." "Hey, look who made it back." "She's here for Steve." "I knew she was into you." "Oh, how could you tell..." "From the way she blew me off?" "Yes." "That's what women do." "We pretend that we're not interested in a guy to see how interested the guy is in us." "Okay, when you say it out loud, it sounds pretty messed up." "But we do it, and it works." "I don't know." "[Cellphone chimes]" "All right, don't listen to me, but check out this text I just got from Nick." ""Thinking of you."" "Yeah... so sweet." "That's all it takes for you..." "Three words?" "Well, I prefer, "you're always right."" "Hey, you just brushed my boobs!" "No, I didn't!" "I was just getting the pretzels!" "Do that again, you're getting a face full of pepper spray." "So, Crosby scored two goals last night." "I'm sorry?" "Yeah, he could have easily had the hat trick if he got a better bounce." "You're talking to me, right?" "Only if you're a penguins fan." "Since forever." "Mario Lemieux's name was on the back of my onesie." "I can beat that." "When my mom gave me a time-out," "I pretended I was in the penalty box." "[Chuckles] Want to sit?" "Melanie, I need your help." "My doctor told me I need testosterone injections." "Could you give me the shot?" "Sorry, Hank, I'm off duty, and I've had a couple beers." "What's the big deal?" "I have 10 beers and go land airplanes." "Susan, how about you?" "Uh, I hate needles." "That's how my mom potty-trained me." "Well, I hate 'em, too!" "I need somebody to do it!" "Really, Hank, you want the black guy who you've been giving crap to for years to give you a shot?" "All it takes is one tiny air bubble." "Well, there's got to be somebody in this bar with cojones big enough to do this." "That would be me." "5-inch needle into soft, doughy thighs that haven't seen the sun since 1962?" "Hand it over." "Honey, are you sure?" "Ooh." "I usually like to inflict pain as a surprise, but I'll still get a rush." "Can I pick the spot for the injection?" "Neck, eye?" "Fun sac?" "If you can find it." "My testosterone is so low, it's all smooth down there like a Ken doll." " So, you left New York, too?" " Yeah." "I loved the park and the theater." "And the all-night restaurants." "Oh, but you know the one thing I don't miss is the nutjobs." " Oh." "Hank:" " Ya-hoo!" "[Laughs] All right, all right, all right!" "Who wants to start a fight club?" "!" "I can't believe you know that place." "Bergoni's was my favorite sandwich shop in Pittsburgh." "When I'd get stressed out in law school," "I'd visualize their meatball subs." "It worked better than yoga." "Weird, right?" "No, weird was what I did when they closed." "I remember banging on the locked front door." "Wow." "I'm not done." "[Laughs]" "And then when nobody answered, I started ugly crying and yelling, "how could you leave me?" "!"" "I totally get it." "I'd give anything to have that sandwich again." "You want a piece of me?" "!" "Let's go!" "Would you excuse me?" "Hank, what are you doing?" "!" "I want to hear "our love is here to stay"!" "That's a great song, Hank, but it hasn't been on that jukebox for about 25 years." " Well, who took it off?" "!" " I did." " You want to go?" "!" " Oh, geez!" "What's with Hank?" "This shouldn't happen from one shot of testosterone." "I guess it really packs a wallop." "I know." "It's my new favorite drug." "So much rage in one little bottle." "You gave him the whole bottle?" "Of course I did." "You saw how weak he was." "That bottle was a month's supply." "You totally overdosed him." "Now I've done two things I've always dreamed of..." "Stab someone with a big needle and overdose an innocent victim." "Look, this stuff eventually wears off." "But until then, keep an eye on him." "I'm fine..." "Just got a little frisky there." "You got to admit, it's a hell of a song, though!" "Hey, Ahmed, I'll bet he could beat you in arm-wrestling." "Yeah, right." "I'm half his age." "[Grunting]" "[Crack] Aah, Hank, you broke my arm!" "Pussy!" "Hank, can you open this with your teeth?" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "You were right about Kara." " I-I think she came back for me." " Of course she did." "You're a Pittsburgh 10." "Well, thanks for sending me back over there." "She's cool and a huge hockey fan and not afraid to eat." "Good sign." "So, here's what you do now." "I got this oh, all right." "Are you saying that you don't need my advice?" "I don't need your advice." "[Cellphone chimes]" "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" " I need your advice." " What?" "Nick wants to take me to the opera." "Is that too much for a second date?" " The opera?" " Yeah, I told him that I liked it, and he got us tickets." "What an asshole." " Really?" " No, no." "Sounds like a good guy." "For once, don't overthink this." "Everything will be fine." "All: 49!" "50!" "Whoa!" "If you stand right here, you can see right down his shirt." "1!" "2!" "3!" "You know, I'm gonna get you to close this thing." "Good luck." "My whole life's on there." "You remember what it's like when you're trying to make partner." "Oh, yeah, but... but you got to take a break sometime, like go see a movie..." "Dinner?" "Thursday night's Penguins game?" "You play dirty." "[Chuckles]" " When it's worth it." " You're on." "What time?" "I don't know." "Let's check the website." "[Gasps] Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!" "Oh!" "I'm so sorry!" "Oh, you know," "I read this article that lots of times when you spill liquid on a computer, it has no effect." "This much liquid?" "I didn't finish the article." "I need to get this to my computer guy right away." "Again, I'm really sorry." "Whatever it costs, I'll pay for it." "It's okay." "So, are... are we still on for Thursday or..." "I don't know." "I just really have to go right now." "[Sighs]" "I just blew that, didn't I?" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Did you just ask for my advice?" "This amazing woman walks into my bar, and I..." "I screw it up." "You really like this girl?" "[Chuckles] Yeah." "Okay, I can fix this for you." "You're gonna need to do something romantic, something extraordinary." "Like waiting naked in her bed when she gets home?" "That's romantic to you?" "Well, excuse me for having a positive body image." "[Sighs]" "You need a-a gesture..." "Something that lets her know that you are someone worth paying attention to." "Sounds complicated." "What can I tell ya?" "We're women." "We're complicated." "Hank:" "Hey, Steve, Steve!" "You got some hanging meat I can punch?" "Yeah, and if you get sweaty, maybe you can take your shirt off." "Hey, Mel, I was thinking about what you were saying, the gesture, and I think I came up with something big, unexpected, and, uh, she's really gonna love it." "Ooh, that's great." "What is it?" "You'll see." "How are things going for you and Nick?" "[Sighs] It's going great." "The opera's tonight, and he's totally psyched." "He said, "totally psyched"?" "Yeah, why?" "Because no guy in the history of guys has ever been totally psyched to go to the opera." "He just wants you to think he's a cool guy so you fall for him, you go back to his place, and have sex." "Nick's not like that." "Yes, he is." "He's a man, and men are simple." "No, he's not." "He's kind, classy, elegant..." "[Cellphone chimes]" "And he just sent me a picture of his dick!" " I'm sorry." " No." "The guy was a creep." "And now I don't have to buy shoes for the opera." "I'm good." "Douche bag!" "I'm good." "I'm just looking out for you the way you look out for me." "Hey, you're up." " You got this." " Hey, Kara." "Hi." "You called me at work?" "What's the legal emergency?" "Thanks for coming." "I-I need your counsel on something." "Could I get in trouble for serving food if I don't have a license?" "Of course you can." "Are you really a lawyer?" "Yes." "But in this case, there are some extenuating circumstances." "Listen, whatever you're doing, I'm sure it's really sweet, but I am super busy at work and have... oh, my God!" "[Sniffs] I'd know that smell anywhere!" "This is a meatball sub from bergoni's!" "[Chuckles] That's right." "[Sighs] Mmm!" "[Muffled] Steve, how did you pull this off?" "Bergoni's sandwich shop has been closed forever!" "Well, I tracked down Mr. Bergoni." "Hello." "He came out of retirement when I told him about this amazing woman who loved Bergoni sandwiches and she... might forgive me if I could find her one." "You are so forgiven." "[Sighs]" "C-can I go now?" "Yeah." "Thank you so much for doing this." "But you got to tell me your secret." "How do you make your sandwiches taste so good?" "These hands." "Of course..." "A lifetime of experience." "No." "I haven't washed them in 25 years." "Your secret's safe with me." "You have to try this!" "Yeah, that's okay." "I can... tell by the look on your face how good it is." "Oh." "You won't believe what we got Hank to do!" "Not really the time, guys." "I am the traffic God!" "[Laughs]" "Are you guys out of your minds?" "!" "Isn't it awesome?" "!" "You don't have to stop at Polk and Third anymore!" "[Tires screeching]" "See, no one died." "It might interest you guys to know that destruction of city property is a felony, and it comes with a $20,000 fine!" "Get this thing back in the ground!" "Don't worry... we'll have Hank turn that Prius right-side up!" "Sorry, where were we?" "You know, it seems like you have a lot going on here." "Maybe we should go somewhere quieter." "How about my place after the bar closes?" "[Scoffs] Bar's closed!" "Everybody out!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "Let's go!" "I'm tired of peanuts!" "I want mixed nuts!" "Man, this stuff is not wearing off." "I know." "I don't like testosterone Hank." "I miss racist Hank." "I mean, he'd insult you, but he couldn't kick your ass." "Check this out." ""Testosterone overdoses." ""In most cases, the excess testosterone will naturally turn into the female hormone estrogen."" "Does that mean his boobs are gonna get bigger?" "I hope not." "Anything more than a mouthful is a waste." "Seriously, dude, you got to stop." "It's getting weird." "Should have changed hours ago." "Jack, it's chilly in here." "Do you have a simple throw?" "It's happening." "He's turning into a woman." "I don't think I do." "Of course you don't." "That would imply that I'm a person." "I have rights." "I'm sorry you're cold." "No, you're not." "Stop trying to pretend like you care about my feelings." "Hank, what do you need from me?" "Damn it, Jack, I'm not asking you to solve my problems!" "I'm just asking you to listen to them!" "God, it's like we're from two different planets!" "Hey, Mel." "Thanks for helping me close up." "Sure." "Hey, you look great." "And I didn't have to tell you what to wear." "I'm impressed." "[Chuckles]" "Well, sometimes, I know what I'm doing." "Hey, that whole sandwich thing was an awesome idea." "Thanks, but that was all you." "Just looking out for you the way you look out for me." "Well, I don't need you to do that." "Neither do I." "[Laughs] Well, I'm out of here." "Ah, see you tomorrow." "Hey, Steve?" "I'm happy for you." "I know you've been looking for the right girl since you came home, and this girl is funny." "She likes hockey, meatball subs." "I mean, really, how many girls like that are gonna walk into this bar?" "I know, right?" "[Chuckles] Thanks, Mel." "You bet." "Wait." "What did you say?" " "You bet"?" " No, before that." "I said, "how many girls like that are gonna..."" " "Walk into this bar?"" " Walk into this bar." "That's what I thought you said." "What?" "What was that?" "[Sighs] Maybe..." "The right girl was here all along." "Maybe she was." "So, what do we do now?" "Not think." "I got this."