"God, our creator and redeemer, confident of your eternal victory over evil, we entrust Sebastian into your loving embrace." "We have entrusted our brother Sebastian to God's mercy, and we now commit his body to the ground." "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in sure and certain hope ofhis resurrection." "Amen." "He was my little angel." "Itjust isn't right." "He didn't have to die." "Not like this." "For someone who was light in his loafers, he sure left a heavy corpse." "Honestly, Velma." "You're too much!" "Well, did you hear what he was buried in?" "A kimono and a pinkie ring!" " No!" " I rest my case." "I don't quite follow." "He was a Nancy boy." "You know, a fruitcake." "Afriend of Dorothy?" "Confirmed bachelor?" "Asalad spinner." "AChardonnay Charlie." "Afigure skater!" "Oh!" "He was a fag!" "Man, that guy gives newmeaning to the words, "dead weight."" "Boy, howdy!" "I thought we were burying a block of cement." "Well, what do you say we knock off early and head down to McFeeney McGee's?" "I'm right behind you!" "Wait a second!" "Where are you goin'?" "I'm goin' to McFeeney McGee's, like wejust said!" "I'm taking the short cut." "Not through the Exit 5 Rest Stop?" "Yeah, what ofit?" "There's something strange goin' on down there." "Joey says the place is haunted!" "Haunted?" "There ain't no such thing as ghosts." "You knowthat." "Yeah, but..." "Howdoes Joey know, anyway?" "Does he hang out there?" "You knowJoey ain't like that." "He stopped by there last week to stretch his legs, and he said..." "Stretch his legs." "It all sounds pretty queerto me." "Nowlet's go." "Ghost or no, I ain't goin' anywhere near that place." "Joey said..." "Joey said, Joey said!" "Fine, you win, but if we gotta take the long way around, the first beer's on you." "Nowwhere're you goin'?" "Through the Indian burial ground." "Oh, I thought we might go up by Dead Man's Lake." "Oh, yeah, that's good too." "Yeah, then we can stop off at the beauty parlor and pick up Joey - ifhe's not too busy stretching his legs." "Aw, go on!" "It was 1967 - the summer oflove." "England had decriminalized sex between men." "The Oscar Wilde Book Shop first opened its doors in New York City." "And Ladybird was in the White House!" "These were heady and exciting times." "No one could have known it was all about to come crashing down around us." "Isn't it a beautiful evening?" "Let's pull over here and watch the sunset, shall we?" "Sure." "I gotta take a leak anyway." "I wish you could come to my birthday party this weekend." "All my friends are dying to meet you." "Sorry - a bunch of stuff just came up at work." "Not gonna be able to make it." "But Bobby!" "You promised." "I wanted to show all my friends the real you." "I'll showthem the real me." "Bobby, be serious." "Who the hell do they think I am?" "Well, they said you were a lousy two-timing cockroach in tight slacks and cheap cologne." "That's crap!" "I pay a lot of money for my cologne." "Please, Bobby." "It's my birthday." "Listen, cupcake, I told you." "I have to work this weekend." "But don't worry." "You'll get your present." "Being with you is more of a present than any boy deserves!" "You're the bee's knees, Bobby!" "Right." "And you're the cream in my coffee." "Listen, babe, I've gotta work early tomorrowmorning." "Right." "Those burgers aren't gonna flip themselves!" "That's the spirit!" "So you don't mind hoofing it from here?" "That's a six-mile walk." "Six miles?" "You'd better get started." "It's gonna be dark soon." "Hey, watch the paintjob!" "Daddy just got this baby detailed." "Oh, sorry." "Well, I'll see you later, then." "Not ifl see you first." "Wait." "I thought Burger Queen was closed this weekend so they could clean the grease traps." "They're out for blood tonight, huh?" "Yep." "It's a beautiful evening, though." "Yeah, it's great." "You wouldn't happen to know the time, would you?" "Sure." "It's about 9:30." "Say friend, do you have a light?" "I can't seem to find mine." "Did you check all your pockets?" "I think so." "Maybe I need some help." "Sure... always glad to help my fellowman." "Found it." "Oops..." "I seem to have dropped it." "Why don't I go down and get it?" "Yeah." "Why don't you?" "Kinda dark out here." "You may have to feel around for it." "Blasted mosquitoes!" "Here it is!" "Oops!" "Nowl seem to have dropped it." "You should really be more careful." "Maybe you should go search for it this time." "Nah." "I got another one like it at home." "If you find it..." "you can keep it." "Happy hunting!" "Wait... here it is!" "Oops, nowl've dropped it again!" "Howabout some help?" "I sure could use someone to come down and help me get it!" "I don't even smoke, you selfishjerk!" "Evening." "Beautiful night, isn't it?" "Do you have the time?" "Oops." "I seem to have dropped my lighter." "I sure could use some help looking for it." "It's pretty dark out here." "You might have to crouch down and feel around for it." "Oh, the quiet type, huh?" "I got something you can put in your mouth." "Hey..." "what's wrong with yourface?" "What... what are you?" "Stay back!" "Get away!" "GETAWAY!" "NOOOOOOO!" "Aren't birthdays the greatest?" "Cake, presents, streamers, and a chance to catch up with the ones you love." "That summer my best friend Stan threwa party for me at his brand newbeach cottage." "Stan is the quintessential host with the most." "He's always got a song in his heart, he's kind to children and animals, and he can roll a pig in a blanket like nobody's business." "His lover Billy was there, too." "Boy, what a side ofbeef!" "Not to mention level-headed, smart, and as trustworthy as a Catholic priest." "Then there was Randall, the wise old sage of the group." "He brought Gary that weekend." "They seemed to have a healthy relationship built around mutual trust and respect." "And Joseph was there." "Sweet, shy, and with an inner strength that most peoplejust don't see." "This was going to be my best birthday ever." "But Fate had other plans." "It all started with a radio bulletin..." "We interrupt this program with a special bulletin." "The mysterious West End Virus has claimed another victim." "Investigators have confirmed that the death of 37-year-old Sebastian Camembert was most probably due to this horrifying phantom affliction, which has claimed five other victims in the past week." "The Centerfor Epidemic Control has issued its strongest warning yet regarding this virus." "Citizens are urged to report to medical authorities at the onset of any flu-like symptoms for extensive screening and observation." "Town scientists are searching for the origin ofthis blight, exploring local swamps and mosquito nests surrounding the highly controversial Chemical Plant." "Chemical plant spokesmen deny any connection to the mysterious deaths, despite public suspicion and accusations from the latest victim's family." "The victim, a confirmed bachelor, was a graduate of Lucky Pierre's School of Cosmetology, and enjoyed volunteering at the community theatre, figure skating, and twilight picnics at local scenic rest stops." "I love twilight picnics." "Mr. Camembert is survived by a devoted mother, two sisters, and his beloved shitzu, Blanche." "And now, a word from our sponsor." ""Exit 5 Rest Stop"" "Anybody home?" "Hey, lover." "Hello, hot stuff." "I've missed you!" "Lovely to see you, Joseph." "William Luckinbill, don't be such a boor!" "Take your cousin's bag." "That's OK." "I can get it." "Well all right, then." "Let's get you inside and get you out ofthose hot clothes!" "Honey, you can set yourthings in the first bedroom there." "Howwas yourtrip, darling?" "I hope it wasn't too unbearable." "Only the last half-mile." "I hate having to trudge all the way up here from that old abandoned logging road." "Well you'll have to get used to it, he-man." "They're not gonna replace that bridge for at least another month!" "Joseph, honey, would you like something to drink?" "Some lemonade, maybe?" "No thanks, Stan." "I'm fine." "I'll be out in a minute." "Honestly, we'll be lucky ifthat child comes out at all." "Oh, he'sjust shy is all." "Not after a weekend with this crowd." "Well, this must be the place." "How can you tell?" "Well do you see any other gingerbread houses around here?" "Gingerbread?" "What happens when it rains?" "Shhh!" "You're so attractive." "Don't ruin it." "Randall!" "Hello, stranger." "It's been too long." "And this must be..." "This is the flavor of the weekend, Gary LaTourneaux." "Gary, may I present the lady ofthe house?" "What's up, my brother?" "Slap me some skin!" "Mary, put that hand away - and give me a hug!" "Well, look what the cat dragged in - an older, uglier cat!" "Did it take you the entire bus ride to think that one up?" "No, itjust popped into my head, all spontaneous like." "Watching the species evolve, right before my eyes." "Nowhelp this one with my bags, like the kept woman you are." "Is this one allowed to talk?" "No!" "But he is allowed to scream - my name... tonight - repeatedly." "I hope we don't keep you up." "I'm surprised you can keep anything up at your age." "Laugh it up, helium heels!" "All right, children, enough ofthat!" "Come inside." "See the newhouse." "This is beautiful!" "Isn't it?" "It was built in 1935 and still has most ofthe original floorboards." "The marble birdbath is hand-carved." "And the entire kitchen is fireproofed with asbestos." "I love it!" "Everybody loves my house." "The stairs over there..." "Oh, screwthe stairs!" "Where's the crapper?" "I don't knowabout anybody else, but I'm ready for a swim!" "Sounds good to me!" "I've got a two-piece in the closet if you want tojoin them." "I doubt Romeo and Juliet would appreciate the company." "Honey, they're just swimming." "Ow." "I don't think either one of them is wearing insect repellent." "So, you and Stan, huh?" "Yup." "Fouryears this August." "Howlong have you and Cruella De Vil been going steady?" "Four hours this afternoon." "Four hours?" "That must be a record for him." "Well, it is for me." "I just sat down for a minute and I must've dozed off." "Did I miss anything?" "Honey, come meet Randall." "Joseph, this is Randall - one of my dearest and oldest friends." "Randall, this..." "Let me guess." "This is your straight-but-not-narrow college roommate, who's come to visit unexpectedly to tease us with some devastating secret all night long before ultimately reconsidering and lashing out in a self-loathing homophobic fury." "Am I right?" "Child, what tune are you playing?" "This is Joseph, Billy's cousin." "He's not homophobic." "He'sjust shy." "Lovely." "Five tired, screaming fairy queens and one anxious queer." "It's a pleasure to meet you, Joseph." "Charmed, I'm sure." "Must be nice living on your own lagoon." "Oh, I don't live here." "I've got a room back at the YMCAin the city." "So you and Stan don't live together?" "Live together?" "Living together's for squares!" "What do we look like - Ozzie and Harriet?" "I love that show." "I mean, I love him and all, but you knowwhat they say:" "Monogamy equals monotony." "Ozzie and Harriet said that?" "Besides, I need to pump iron at least twice a day and Stan won't let me bring my barbells anywhere nearthe house." "Have you done any pumping today?" "Not yet." "I'm here!" "Phillip!" "Oh, good!" "I was starting to get worried!" "Did you get lost?" "Oh, no, nothing like that." "I was just up late last night taking the most glorious moonlit stroll." "I must've slept right through my alarm clock." "Well, it is good to see you." "And happy birthday!" "Good lord, child!" "What is that smell?" "Oh, that must be Bobby's after-shave you smell." "We were together last night." "It's Butch 22!" "Oh, cripes." "He's not still daddling that walking grease factory, is he?" "Well hello, Randall." "You're looking betterthan ever!" "And you are still a horrible liar, cupcake." "Good to see you." "Oh, god!" "You reek ofthat stuff!" "Didn't you bathe this morning?" "Of course I did." "But his fragrancejust seems to stick to me, like..." "Like spooge in a shower?" "I have a feeling he's gonna stop by this weekend and surprise me." "I can't wait for you all to meet him." "What makes you think we haven't?" "Joseph?" "Why, it's been ages!" "Hello, Phillip." "Happy birthday." "Oh, I could watch this all day." "Billy!" "Gary!" "Our guest ofhonor has arrived!" "Meet me back here after lunch, OK?" "Don't be a stick in the mud!" "We got dancing music on!" "I'm gonna sit this one out, cookie." "Oh, you won't get that one to dance!" "Randall does not like showtunes." "What?" "But we all love showtunes!" "There's no sweeter music in the whole wide world!" "What can I say?" "I'm immune to its charms." "He's got a tin ear and two left feet." "Rememberthat one move we used to do?" "What was it, Stan?" "You were the best at it." "Yes, I was." "Now step aside, ladies." "School is in session!" ""Hungry for You"" "Nice going, twinkle toes." "They're comin'." "They'll convert our children." "They're an aberration!" "Filled with every kind of wickedness and depravity:" "Strife, malice, deceit... murder!" "They're closer than you think!" "You won't know until it's too late!" "Who's the old fruit in the space suit?" "That's our next door neighbor, Mr. Hastings." "He's a little eccentric." "Hello, Mr. Hastings!" "Would you like to join us for some ambrosia?" "Potato salad, maybe?" "You're asking for it, dancing around like that in the open!" "There's trouble comin', you know." "They'll get you if you're not careful!" "Get you all, I tell you!" "Honey, why don't you sit down and have some lunch?" "People say I'm crazy!" "But I've seen what they can do." "And I'm gonna be ready." "I'm gonna stop them!" "No!" "NOOOO!" "My, that Gary sure has a healthy appetite." "In more ways than one." "I guess I got a hollow stomach." "Honey, at least this one speaks English." "And has all his teeth." "Do I need to mention the Cabo San Lucas incident?" "Oh, we swore we would never speak of that again!" "Who's Cabo San Lucas?" "The patron saint of pubic lice, in this case." "Child, don't make me pull out the photo album!" "Gosh, those guys sure have quite a history, huh?" "We've all had some crazy adventures since the last time we sawyou." "What have you been up to?" "Oh, you don't want to hear about my boring old life." "Don't be silly!" "I want to hear everything." "Maybe we can go for a walk after I unpack." "That'd be swell!" "Walk, shmalk!" "You guys should join me for a swim!" "I'm in!" "Maybe in 30 minutes." "You knowwhat they say." "Monogamy equals Monopoly!" "No, silly!" "No swimming right afteryou eat!" "Good." "That'll give you boys a chance to clean up out here." "I'm gonna help our birthday boy unpack." "Phillip, I don't want to meddle... but this Bobby character is bad news." "Everyone keeps saying that, but youjust haven't gotten to knowhim yet." "Deep down, he is the sweetest, most considerate man I've ever been with!" "Honey, we are your friends." "And we'rejust looking out foryour well-being." "Howmuch do you really knowabout this man?" "I knowhe makes me happy." "I knowl tingle when we're together and I ache when we're apart." "Mmm hmm." "You might try some penicillin for that, Mary." "I'm serious." "I'm sorry, you're right." "It'sjust that I worry about you." "You need to find somebody that you can rely on." "You know, a man that you can trust." "Someone like my Billy." "Wait." "What?" "I thought I heard something." "Listen, I didn't want to tell you this in front of everybody, but Bobby..." "Goodness!" "Golly." "Gary." "Whose do you think it is?" "I can't believe I touched it." "Touched it?" "I was laying on it!" "Laying?" "Maybe it's part of some animal." "An animal?" "With a thumb?" "And a Timex?" "What were you doing laying down?" "I think I'm gonna be sick!" "What were you doing laying down?" "We were getting some sun!" "I don't think it's real." "The sun hasn't been out all day." "Oh, believe me, it's real." "Look at the bone there, where the flesh has been all chewed off." "I'm definitely gonna be sick." "Everyone, calm down!" "We are gonna march right back into the house and call the proper authorities." "And Phillip, please be sick in the bushes, not in the house." "Hello, operator." "I need the police at once." "Yes, I'll hold the line." "Hold the line?" "What do they mean, hold the line?" "They mean wait." "I knowwhat they mean!" "What are we doing waiting?" "We need to get out ofhere!" "I'm not going out there with some hungry thing on the loose." "It's probably not very hungry any more." "Sorry." "Besides, we're not going anywhere with that bridge out." "We could swim!" "Hello, police?" "This is Stanley Nelson, at the old Johnson place." "Something horrible has happened!" "Please come right away!" "Someone's been mutilated, and I think... eaten." "What's taking them so long?" "Honey, the bridge is out." "They had to send a beat cop on a bicycle." "Don't answer it!" "Mary, relax!" "It'sjust the police officer." "I'm Officer Harding." "Of course you are." "I'm investigating an emergency call received from this location." "Which one of you is Stanley Nelson?" "That's me, officer." "I'm the one who called." "And this is my house." "And it was..." "William Luckinbill who discovered the human remains?" "Actually, officer, that was me." "And William..." "Billy." "And you are?" "My name is Gary." "The "R" is silent." "Gay... eee?" "Jesus, it's a good thing she's pretty." "It's Gary." "Gary LaTourneaux." "I found the arm." "And I can showyou exactly where it is if you'd like." "Yes, that's a good idea." "The rest of you stay here." "I'll need to take statements from all of you when I return." "Now showme this..." "body part of yours." "Oh, brother." "Officer Hard-on is in for quite a show." "Randall, hush!" "How can you say such a thing about your boyfriend at a time like this?" "I'm sure he'sjust helping the nice lawman with his investigation." "Oh, Jesus!" "Not again." "You were right." "That one is a screamer." "That was no scream of passion." "I think Gary's in trouble!" "Well, come on!" "I can't see anything." "Well, they can't have just disappeared." "Off playing detective somewhere, no doubt." "You're looking the wrong way." "Billy, where did you see that severed arm?" "Oh, God." "It was overthere." "Wait..." "Is that them in the water?" "That doesn't look like Gary." "Or Officer Harding." "I don't think that's them at all!" "The question is, who is it?" " Are those...?" " It can't be!" "Zombies?" "Flesh-eating creatures ofthe night?" "Quiet!" "They haven't seen us yet." "Oh, they look awfully hungry." "They must be responsible forthat chewed-up arm we found." "Are we gonna stand around here with our dicks up our asses?" "Let's get the hell out ofhere!" "Careful!" "We don't want to catch their attention!" "Christ!" "Nice going, Martha Graham." "Sorry!" "Oh, my god!" "They're coming right for us!" "Run!" "Hold on a second!" "I think those zombies are homosexual!" "What makes you say that?" "Look!" "Please stop screaming!" "Well, they do have some pretty good moves." "But gay zombies?" "Mary, zombie or not," "I knowa show-tune-lovin' friend of Dorothy when I see one." "Lovely!" "So they can do our hair before they eat our brains!" "Could we please go?" "Inside, quick!" "Lt'll be safe in here!" "Hey..." "How's it going?" "You dropped your lighter." "Want me to get it for you?" "Oh, OK." "Whoops." "Nowyou dropped..." "Oh, my god!" "They got Phillip!" "Nooooo!" "Turn away, honey." "Don't look." "Wait a second." "He's spitting Phillip out." "They don't like the taste ofhim!" "Finicky zombies." "You're right - they are gay." "It's got to be that Butch 22 cologne." "No self-respecting homo would be caught dead anywhere near it!" "Or undead, apparently." "We've gotta get Phillip out ofthere!" "Honey, it's too late for him!" "And we can't go back out there!" "What ifit's a trick?" "He'd do the same for any of us!" "Even Randall?" "Yes, even Randall!" "I'm going out there before another one ofthose things tries to bite him!" "C'mon, Phillip." "These zombies are gonna have to find someone else to chew on!" "Somebody, help me out here!" "This walking corpse is staining my woodwork!" "I don't understand!" "When that zombie bit me, I thought I was a goner!" "We think it's Bobby's cologne." "The zombies must be allergic to Butch 22!" "Wait a second!" "Phillip, open your birthday present from me." "It's a Butch 22 gift pack!" "It was ajoke!" "A gag gift!" "Just open it already!" "And hurry!" "They're getting in!" "Jesus, Mary." "You think someone's trying to tell you something?" "It's the Tiffany bag!" "He's in!" "Hurry!" "Somebody douse him!" "Wow, it really works!" "And I just had this carpet steamed!" "This door's not gonna hold." "We need to get out ofhere!" "What are we gonna do?" "Splash our way out?" "There are too many ofthem!" "Hold on." "I have an idea!" "That's quite a collection." "I've never seen so many all together like that." "Joseph, what are these for?" "Well, I thought we could get to know each other by playing a game of squirt tag this weekend." "Is that anything like slap and tickle?" "Nothing breaks the ice like water sports!" "No truer words were ever spoken." "Joseph, good thinking!" "Phillip, bring those bottles of Butch over here." "Those gay zombies have messed with the wrong queens!" "Joseph, where did you get all these squirt guns?" "Toy stores and hobby shops, mostly." "But this one..." "I had to special order from an ad in the back of Amazing Tales, number twenty-two." "It's so big!" "It's my pride andjoy." "The Galaxy Gusher 4000!" "It has twin hydraulic loading chambers and automatic reverse pumping action!" "Yeah, but will it clean the sheets afterwards?" "Okay, here's the plan!" "First, we have to report Gary and Officer Harding's disappearance." "Then..." "The phone's dead." "It looks like the line's down." "Well, one of us is going to have to go out there and hook that line back up." "You're kidding, right?" "There are flesh-eating monsters out there!" "They're not at the front door any more." "It looks like they've moved down the beach." "It could be another zombie trick." "They mightjust be waiting to attack." "Even with the Butch 22, we'll never outrun all those zombies all the way into town!" "We've got to contact the authorities so they're waiting on the other side of the bridge." "Well don't look at me." "I'm not risking my hide out there." "No volunteers?" "Then we're gonna have to drawfor it." "So, we're all agreed then." "The person who picks the flamingo has to go outside and fix the phone line." "Nowwho wants to go first?" "Here goes nothing." "It's you and me, old friend." "You wanna go first?" "Aw, hell... why not?" "Naturally." "The pretty one has to go." "That zombie who bit Phillip must've pulled down the phone line when he died!" "You think, Nancy Drew." "All you need to do is take the line from his hand and hook it back up to the transformer box on the house." "I got it." "Nowgive me that gun, would you?" "Be careful out there, Randall." "Oh cripes, I'm hooking up a phone line, not going to the moon." "Screwthis." "Ifl'm gonna be the hero, I need a smoke." "Well, aren't you ten pounds of ugly in a five-pound sack?" "Oh, poor Randall!" "His insatiable desire for cigarettes did him in!" "I guess even smoking can kill you!" "He was the sweetest, most considerate man I've ever known!" "And nowhe's... dead!" "And we're next!" "Forget the phone line, we've gotta make a run for it!" "Give me that squirt gun!" "No!" "Billy, honey, wait!" "Don't go out there half-cocked!" "We have to stick to the plan!" "Fuck you, you fucking gay zombies!" "Thought you were gonna get me, did ya?" "Billy!" "No!" "Nowwe are notjust gonna stand around and let those repulsive creatures pick us off one by one!" "What can we do?" "They've surrounded the house!" "There are too many ofthem!" "Bring me that pistol over there." "I'm going to distract them while you run for the foot bridge." "Stan!" "No!" "Child, don't argue with me!" "It's the only way." "Nowget ready to hike up your skirts and make a run for it!" "Stan, please be careful." "I don't knowwhat I'd do ifl lost you, too!" "Honey, it's gonna take more than a fewpeckish zombies to bring this old girl down." "Don't you worry about a thing." "There was something you were trying to tell me earlier." "Something about Bobby." "What was it?" "Honey, Bobby's no good." "Promise me that if we get out of this, you're gonna break up with him." "But why?" "What is it you're not telling me?" "Phillip, your boyfriend is a rest stop Betty!" "What?" "He cruises public rest areas looking for anonymous sex." "No telling what kind of filth he's bringing home to you!" "That is a pack of lies!" "Bobby would never do such a thing!" "Where did you hear this rubbish?" "Mary, don't ask!" "Stan, please." "I may never see you again." "I have to know." "Well, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have been known to frequent such rest stops ofill repute myself, from time to time." "Oh, hush now, child." "We're all adults here." "Nowwait a minute!" "I knewl recognized those zombies!" "They're all men who cruise the Exit 5 Rest Stop!" "Exit 5?" "That's right next door to the chemical plant!" "You don't think...?" "They must've been bitten by the tainted mosquitoes in the swamp between the plant and the rest stop!" "And then the mosquito bites gave them the West End Virus!" "The virus kills them and then brings them back to life as homosexual flesh-eating monsters!" "And nowthey're radioactive?" "No, honey." "They'rejust zombies." "Well I'm ready to give those zombies the what for!" "I'll cover you." "Run up to the bridge and get help." "Take that, you filthy zombie!" "Joseph, I'll take this one." "You go help Phillip." " But..." " Go!" "Phillip!" "Phillip!" "You want some ofthis, too?" "You want..." "Wait a minute!" "You were my high school science teacher" " Mr. Byron!" "I knewyou were cruising me in chem lab!" "Class dismissed... teach." "I'm empty!" "Bobby?" "This is my house!" "Nowyou just turn around and march back out the way you came in!" "Don't make me use this!" "Bobby, it is you!" "Oh, I just knewyou'd come!" "What happened to your face?" "You look like... " "Oh, god, no!" "NOOOOO!" "Phillip!" "Suck on this, undead scum!" "Make a wish, you putrid pole smoker!" "Stan was right about you!" "You sucked anonymous cock at that rest stop and nowyou're a zombie!" "Oh, Bobby, howcould you?" "You told me you loved me!" "And I believed you!" "I'm a fool!" "I'm a stupid, lovesick little girl!" "You are a sad and pathetic man, Bobby Prentice." "You are a zombie, and you don't want to be, and there is nothing you can do to change it." "Ifl'm going down, I'm going down singing!" "NOOOO!" "Back off, pizza face!" "I don't understand!" "That should've been enough Butch to stop ten zombies!" "Oh, no!" "Bobby wears Butch 22." "He must have built up an immunity to it!" "Aw, nuts!" "What happened?" "Why didn't he eat us?" "I don't know." "Hejust stopped short, suddenly." "Nowit looks like he's listening to something." "Wait, I hear something too." "Why it's... it's..." ""Zing Went the Strings of my Heart"" "I don't believe it!" "Bobby?" "Are you okay?" "It's not possible!" "I think he's turning back into the old Bobby!" "The old handsome Bobby!" "Gosh, that's great." "And look!" "All the other zombies are changing back to normal!" "Man, I gotta quit smoking menthols!" "Hey, cupcake." "Bobby, is it really you?" "I thought you were gone for good!" "What are you talking about?" "I always come back, don't I?" "No, I mean..." "There were these zombies." "And yourface was..." "What's with Poindexter overthere?" "Bobby, be serious." "That's Joseph." "He helped save..." "What are you, his mother?" "I don't need his life story." "All right." "It's not important." "Bobby, we need to talk..." "Talk is cheap, baby." "I got you a birthday present." "Bobby, I told you I didn't need a present." "Trust me." "This is one present you do need." "Oh, Joseph!" "You're okay!" "I don't knowhow." "One minute those zombies were ready to tear us apart, the next they were regular homosexuals again." "They were no match for my secret weapon." "What secret weapon?" "Honey, those zombies were strong, but no homosexual - not even a flesh-eating, walking dead homosexual - can resist Judy Garland." "Oh." "No need to thank me, child." "I'm sorry, Stan." "It'sjust..." "Did we lose Phillip, honey?" "Oh no, nothing like that." "Bobby was there." "Oh no!" "And was he...?" "Yep." " And he tried to...?" " Uh huh." " But the music?" " Yeah." "And nowthey're...?" "You got it." "Oh, Joseph." "I'm sorry." "Of all the beaches on all the pink lagoons in all the world, he lurches onto ours." "Listen, honey, nobody wants them together less than me." "That Bobby's a real louse." "But Phillip's in love, and to him that rest-stop trolling, ex-zombie boyfriend ofhis might as well be Rock Hudson." "But he's so wrong for him!" "Sure, you and I both knowthat." "But Phillip's got to figure that out for himself." "Nowwhy don't you come inside and I'll fix you some chocolate milk?" "No, thanks." "I think I'mjust gonna pack up and go." "Surprise!" "What do you think?" "It's... a picture of you." "Yeah." "The frame set me back a fewbucks, but I've got a bunch ofthose snapshots lying around." "Nowyou can quit your bellyaching about howyou never get to see me, cookie." "Bobby, it's a lovely photograph." "Really, it is." "But I just think..." "maybe we should..." "Bobby..." "I'm breaking up with you." "Yeah, right." "Nowhow's about a birthday kiss?" "Bobby, I'm serious." "It'sjust not working out between us." "You see, Bobby..." "I need someone brave." "Someone loyal." "Someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated." "Not a Rest Stop Bonnie." "Betty." "Right..." "Betty." "So you're breaking up with me?" "Well ain't that a kick in the culottes." "I think youjust need to be on your own, Bobby." "That way you can spend all the time you want cruising for anonymous sex, without worrying about the old ball and chain back home." "But I want you to know we can still be friends." "You can come to me wheneveryou need to talk." "I'll be a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, orjust someone to shoot the breeze with." "What I'm trying to say is, just because we're breaking up doesn't mean I'm ditching you." "Bobby?" "Joseph!" "Joseph, hang on!" "I didn't get a chance to thank you." "Thank me?" "For what?" "What you did back there was so brave." "You saved my life." "Well, I wasn't gonna let you get eaten by a zombie." "Wait, you dropped this!" "I won't be needing it any more." "Besides, it's broken." "It's nothing a little rubber cement and electrician's tape won't fix." "I guess." "Plus I hear nothing breaks the ice like water sports!" "But what about Bobby?" "Oh, Bobby will be fine." "Nowhowabout that game of squirt tag?" "You're on, Phillip." "You're on." "And that's howl got together with Joseph." "Sure, we were a little battered, a little shaken - three of my friends were eaten by zombies " "But Joseph and I found love!" "And in the end, isn't that what every homosexual wants?" "Thisjust in:" "Medical authorities have announced that the" "West End Virus is no longer a public health threat." "Those suffering from the mysterious ailment have all shown remarkable recovery within the past fewhours, leading town scientists to believe that it was no more life-threatening than the common cold." "Meanwhile, the search is still on for a handful oflocal men who have disappeared this week under suspicious circumstances." "Police are refusing to speculate on the possibility of a connection between the virus and the disappearances." "We nowreturn you to ourJudy Garland weekend marathon, currently in progress." "Showtunes!" "Ugh!" "Lfl hear one more showtune..." "I'm gonna eat somebody!"