" Alan, it's really a very reasonable plan." " Tell that to the Chief of Defence Staff." " Why is he late?" "Not very soldierly." " It's this plan." "The Ministry's in turmoil." "It's a relocation proposal, not a Russian invasion." "Be all right if it was." "We know what we could do to repel that." " Could you repel it?" " No." " But we don't have to do any thinking about it." " Let's look at this from the PM's point of view." "We have 420,000 service personnel." "Only 20,000 are stationed in the north." "Almost everything's in the south." "Navy at Portsmouth, Air Force in Bedford and the Army in Aldershot." "Almost nothing north of The Wash where the unemployment is." " Servicemen come from the north." " But spend in the south." "Inevitable." "That's where they are now." "Anyway, there's nothing to spend it on in the north, is there?" " Chief of Defence Staff." " This cannot happen..." "Don't attack me, I'm on your side, but it is a strong argument." "Move 200,000 or 300,000 service personnel up north and you create masses of civilian jobs." "Clerks, suppliers, builders, vehicle maintenance." "300,000 extra pay packets spent in the shops." "You can't move thousands of men like that." " I thought that's what you did with armies." " You bring 'em back!" "This'd be permanent." "Guy, can any servicemen be stationed permanently in the north?" "I suppose other ranks, junior officers, but you can't ask senior officers to live permanently in the north!" "The wives wouldn't stand for it for one thing." "Children's schools." "I understand there are schools in the north of England." "What about Harrods?" "What about Wimbledon?" "Ascot?" "Henley?" "The Army and Navy Club?" "I mean civilisation, generally!" "It's just not on!" "This is being discussed in Cabinet." "We need more serious arguments than senior officers' wives being 300 miles from Harrods." "What's more serious?" "!" "Chaps like us might have to move up there!" "But are there any strategic arguments against the move?" " We can find those against anything." " But would they stand up to expert scrutiny?" "They won't get expert scrutiny." "We'll make it top secret like we always do with defence." " Prime Minister only." " Then they certainly won't get expert scrutiny." "But I wonder whether we might not do better to play the man instead of the ball." " Which man?" " The Employment Secretary." " This was his suggestion." " Ah, yes." "Suggest to the PM the Employment Secretary is plotting against him." " Is he?" " Not as far as I know." "But the question is whether the Prime Minister can be made to believe that he is." "Any chance of getting rid of him?" " The PM?" "He's only just house-trained." " The Employment Secretary." "Field Marshal, are you suggesting humble civil servants should presume to remove a member of HM Government from Cabinet?" " Yes." " Out of the question." "Only the Prime Minister can remove ministers, but if the Prime Minister came to suspect the loyalty of a member of his Cabinet..." "Only someone with advanced paranoia would suspect the Employment Secretary of a plot." "Really?" "Then we're in with a chance." "Other business." "Employment Secretary, you wanted views on your paper." "Yes, my plan to reduce unemployment in the northeast by moving various defence establishments up there." "Defence Secretary, what's your view?" "I know, on the face of it, this plan looks as though it benefits employment in depressed areas, but this is to be achieved, as I understand it, by relocating most defence establishments." "This affects the Defence Department as well as Employment." " I need time to do a feasibility study." " Anybody else have an opinion?" "Quickly." "I don't know much about it, but it does sound a serious upheaval." " Expensive." " A big move." "I'm in favour of the proposal." " So am I." " Absolutely!" "Looks as though the Defence Secretary is in a minority of one." "I am the responsible minister." "The defence of the realm is in question." "We'll have a full discussion at our next meeting on Friday and then put it to Cabinet for approval." "Thank you." "May I request that it be noted in the minutes that the Cabinet Committee was in favour of my plan save for one member?" "The member whose department would be reorganised." "It's a problem." "May I remind the Secretary of State for Defence that every problem is also an opportunity?" "Hear hear!" "The Secretary of State for Defence fears that this may create some insoluble opportunities." "Nonsense." " Er, Prime Minister..." " Oh, still here, Humphrey?" "Yes." "I wonder if I could have a word with you about the Employment Secretary's plan." " Yes, terrific, isn't it?" " The service chiefs aren't entirely happy." "Good." " Do I have your full attention?" " Of course you do." " I'm just reading these notes." " Mm-hm." "Prime Minister, there's been an earthquake in Haslemere." "Good." " What?" " The service chiefs don't like this plan." "Taking their wives away from Wimbledon and Harrods!" "Prime Minister, that is unworthy." "Their personal feelings don't come into it." " Their objections are entirely strategic." " Oh, strategic, of course." "The Admiralty needs a deep-water port so that has to be at Bath, 30 miles inland." "The job of the Marines is to defend Norway, so we station them at Plymouth." "Army vehicle trials take place in Scotland, so the engineering establishment has to be in Surrey." "Well, these are just isolated examples." "I've got another 700 isolated examples." " Why are you against it, Humphrey?" " I assure you I'm not against it." "I'm simply furnishing you with the appropriate questions - like that of cost." "That's the beauty of it - it makes money." "We sell all these expensive properties in the south and move "up north"!" "You think the Employment Secretary has done well?" " Indeed I do." "He's a good chap." " Oh, I quite agree." "Absolutely brilliant." "Superb intellect." "Strong footwork, excellent elbows." "A major figure, without a doubt." " He's not that good." " But he is a good chap, wouldn't you say?" " I've just said so." " Oh, yes, indeed." "Very popular." " Is he?" " Oh, yes!" " Not as popular as that, surely?" " Oh, yes." " In Whitehall and with the parliamentary party." " I suppose, yes." " And with the grass roots, I'm told." " Are you?" " And he has quite a following in Cabinet, too." " Does he?" "People are beginning to talk about him as the next Prime Minister." " What..." "What do you mean?" " Oh, I mean when you decide to retire." "I'm not going to retire!" "I've only just got here!" "Why are people talking about the next PM?" "I'm sure it's just general speculation." " Does he want to be Prime Minister?" " Well, even if he does surely you've got no reason to suspect his loyalty?" "He isn't planning to build up a personal following, is he?" "Isn't he?" " Is he?" " Spends a hell of a lot of time making speeches." "Only as a loyal minister." "I'm sure he pays tributes to you in them, doesn't he?" "Does he?" "Bernard, get me his last six speeches." "Er, yes, I'm just getting them, Prime Minister." "He chats up back benchers in the tea room." "You told ministers to take more trouble to communicate." " And he has them round to dinner parties." " Oh, does he?" " Worrying." " The Employment Secretary's speeches." "I'm sure he talked about the new PM bringing new hope to Britain, the dawn of a new age." "You know, that leaflet you told Party HQ to issue to all MPs and constituencies." " No, not a word." " Oh, now that IS odd." "It's more than odd, it's suspicious." "Bloody suspicious!" "Even so, he surely isn't actively plotting against you." " Isn't he?" " Is he?" " How do I know he's not?" " I'm sure you can always find out." " Get me the Chief Whip." " Yes, Prime Minister." "Get me the Chief Whip." " Now!" " Now!" "Oh, hello, Chief Whip." "Are you at No. 12?" "The PM wants to see you urgently." " Now!" " Now!" "Thank you." " Sir Humphrey." " Yes?" " I'm troubled by what I've learned." " What?" "I feel I've had my eyes shut." "I never realised there was a plot against the Prime Minister." "Is there?" "How interesting." " But you said there was." " I said nothing, nothing at all." "You mean..." "Oh." " Do you know if there is a plot?" " No." " No, there isn't?" "Or, no, you don't know?" " Yes." "What exactly has the Employment Secretary done?" " Nothing yet, and we must keep it that way." " But isn't his plan a good one?" " For whom?" " The country." " That is hardly the point." " Why not?" "Bernard, when you move on from here, where do you plan to go?" "Well, I... er..." "I..." "I don't know." " Like to be in charge of defence procurement?" " Oh, gosh..." " In Sunderland or Berwick or Lossiemouth?" " Is that a place?" " Lossiemouth?" "What'd you think it was?" " A dog food." "If the Employment Secretary has his way, you may get a diet of Lossiemouth." " See?" " Yes." " How can it be good for the country?" " It can't." "Why will the Chief Whip confirm a plot that doesn't exist?" "He's bound to hedge." "The Chief Whip cannot state that there's no plot just in case there is." " He has to cover himself." "Good morning." " Could you wait in the private office?" "Bernard... now go in there and inform me of their conversation." "I'm not sure I can." "It might be confidential." "Bernard, the matter at issue is the defence of the realm and the stability of the government." "You only need to know things on a need-to-know basis." "I need to know everything!" "How else can I judge whether or not I need to know it?" "So you need to know things even when you don't need to know them?" "You need to know them because you need to know whether or not you need to know." "If you don't need to know, you need to know so you know there was no need to know." " Yes!" " Good." "That's very clear." "Chief Whip, Prime Minister." "Morning, Prime Minister." " How are things going, Chief Whip?" " Oh, quite well, really." "Why?" " You've noticed nothing?" " Well, it's a difficult time." "Bit of unrest on the back benches..." "What... did you have in mind precisely?" "A plot." "A leadership challenge?" "Ah." "Yes..." "Well, actually, I have no real evidence of anything." " But you have suspicions?" " Oh, I always have suspicions." " How far has it got?" " Oh, only a very... um... very... um..." " Early stage?" " Early stage." "As far as one can tell." "Should you have a word with him?" "I don't want to lose him from the Cabinet." "I... just want him under control." "Perhaps you should have a word with him yourself." "No, no, no, no." "No, not at this stage." "Who else is involved?" "Apart from..." " Apart from Dudley, obviously." " Dudley?" "Yes, of course, apart from Dudley." "Well, apart from Dudley..." "Well, it's... um..." "It's a bit early to say." "There may be nothing in it." " I'm not taking any risks." " No, absolutely not!" "I'll go and make a few more enquiries." "Dudley?" "Yes." "I presume the PM's in favour of the scheme because it'll reduce unemployment." "It'll look as if he's reducing unemployment." "Or look as if he's TRYING to reduce it." "Whereas he's only trying to look as if he's trying to reduce unemployment." "Because he's worried that it doesn't LOOK as if he's trying to look as if he's trying to reduce it." " So how are you going to stop it?" " Well, Arnold, the Prime Minis..." "The PM has come to suspect the plan may be the start of a leadership bid by the Employment Secretary." "How ridiculous, but the higher the office, the higher the level of paranoia." "Fortunately, yes, but paranoia needs something to feed on." "Nothing like press leaks for paranoia fodder." "What if there should be a headline about the Employment Secretary's brilliant plan being blocked by the Prime Minister?" " Man overboard!" " With any luck." "But the trouble is a Cabinet Secretary cannot be party to a leak." " No, of course not." " Whereas a FORMER Cabinet Secretary..." "Presumably, as chairman of the Campaign for Freedom of Information, you have a..." "a duty to make certain facts available." "Are you suggesting I give confidential information to the press?" "Certainly not, Arnold." "This is confidential disinformation." "Ah, that's different." "Oh, excuse me." "Is that the evening paper for the Prime Minister?" "May I?" "Thank you." "Ah, good." "Look, I have to have an urgent word with him." "I wonder if you'd be kind enough to bring that in in, say, three minutes." "Thank you." " Thank you, Bernard." " Humphrey, I know what's been going on!" " You do?" " Yes!" "A scheme has been hatched behind my back, a disloyal, treacherous plot, and I won't tolerate it." " I've spoken to the Chief Whip." " And?" "He says he has his suspicions." "He's going to make enquiries." "He can't tell me more till he has something solid." "You see?" " What?" " The Employment Secretary is plotting!" " Come on, Humphrey!" " Well, I must say, I am surprised." "I should've thought all your Cabinet were loyal." "Loyal!" "You know what loyalty in a Cabinet minister means?" "His fear of losing his own job is slightly greater than his hope of pinching mine." "But with collective responsibility..." "If we do something popular, they leak that it was their idea." "If it's unpopular, they leak they were against it." "We're governed on the principle of collective irresponsibility." " Hah hah" " Why do they want your job?" "Because I'm the only member of the government who can't be sent to Northern Ireland next week." "I can't believe that the Employment Secretary is actively plotting against you." "What more proof do you want?" "This proposal to send defence establishments up north is bound to be leaked to the press." " Bound to be." " If it were leaked as HIS plan, it'd confirm your suspicions, but I'm sure it'll go out as a government plan." " Are you?" "I'm not." " Ah, the evening paper." "Good God!" "Look!" "Swine!" "There's your proof, Humphrey!" "Good heavens, I'm astonished." ""Sources in Whitehall report that this imaginative plan," ""an initiative by the Employment Secretary," ""has been blocked by the Prime Minister"?" "!" "How dare he!" "How dare he!" "I'm..." "I'm..." " Speechless?" " Speechless!" "I've backed him all along!" "I've fought for his sodding plan!" "I gave him his first Cabinet post, treated him like a son!" "This is the thanks I get!" "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless Cabinet colleague." "It's envy." "Dudley is consumed with envy." "It's one of the seven Dudley sins." "Prime Minister, shall we start to draft your letter accepting his resignation?" "It's not that simple." "He'll deny he leaked, so why am I sacking him?" "He'll be more dangerous on the back benches." "Sacked, he doesn't have to pretend to be loyal." " So you mean you'll go ahead with his plan?" " I can't." "Not now." "It'll look as though he's defeated me." "I can't risk that." "It's a good plan." "So... perha..." "Er... no, no, I..." "Prime Minister, you're not being indecisive, are you?" "No, no!" " No, I just can't make up my mind." " Well, perhaps I can help." " How?" " Technically, I shouldn't be showing you this." " Why not?" "I'm Prime Minister, aren't I?" " Indeed you are!" "That's why I shouldn't show it to you." "It's a Ministry of Defence draft internal paper." "The Secretary of Defence hasn't seen it yet." " But it casts grave doubts on the plan." " Does it?" "Many of the valuable buildings he quotes can't be sold." "Some are listed, some have planning controls." "The cost of the move would be prohibitive." "It'd create unemployment in the Home Counties and East Anglia and in Part 3 there are pages and pages of objections on the grounds of military strategy." " And all this is honest and accurate?" " It comes from the Ministry of Defence." "Even so, it COULD be honest and accurate." "You know, I think the public has a right to know this." "It is a top-secret document." "On the other hand, the service chiefs are notorious for their indiscretion." "It could find its way into the hands of some irresponsible journalist." " Quite." "Or several irresponsible..." " Several, indeed, Prime Minister." " Of course, I could never be a party to that." " Certainly not." "So, shall we defer further discussion of the Employment Secretary's plan to an unspecified future date?" "Yeah, let's drop it." "Prime Minister." "Meanwhile, I'll go and attend to the plumbing." " When's he going to leak it?" " Did I ask for a leak, Bernard?" " Well, not in so many..." "No, you didn't." " No, I didn't." "I occasionally have confidential press briefings, but I have never leaked." "Another irregular verb - I give confidential press briefings, you leak, he's been charged under Section 2A of the Official Secrets Act." " Good morning, Prime Minister." " Morning." " Good morning." " Have you seen the papers?" " Indeed." " Dudley's replied to the press about that leak." "He's demanded a public inquiry." " Shocking." " Inquiries never find the true source of a leak." " But we know the true source." "You asked us..." " Bernard." "You're not suggesting I authorised this leak?" "Er, no, I... er..." "That is, yes." "Um, I mean..." "Oh, I remember now." "Sorry." " What do you remember, Bernard?" " Whatever you want." "I want the public to know there are no divisions." " But there are." " I don't want them multiplied." "If you multiply divisions, you get back to where you started." "If you divide four by two, you get two." "If you multiply it, you get four." "Unless you multiply different divisions..." " Four by two..." "Bernard, send them in." " Yes, Prime Minister." "I want to keep the Employment Secretary in the Cabinet, and the Defence Secretary, but I can't let this row go on any longer." "I can't allow the Employment Secretary to be seen to defeat me." "I can't risk it." "I suggest you ask the Committee to agree to these three points." "First, they accept Cabinet's decision." "Secondly, there's a cooling-off period with no further discussion." "Further, that all speeches and press statements are cleared with the Cabinet Office." "Splendid." "That should do it, yes." "Point one, a cooling-off period." "Point two, no more decisions or discussions..." "No, what was the second one?" " I can't quite..." " I'll write it down for you, Prime Minister." "Ah, gentlemen, please be seated." "You've all had a copy of the agenda." "Item one, minutes of the last meeting." "Excuse me, a point of order." "My plan for defence establishment relocation is not on the agenda." " That is correct, Dudley." " Why not?" "This leaking is creating a damaging press row." "I can't allow the Cabinet to seem divided." " It is divided." " That's why it mustn't look it." "It's a very complex issue and I've decided to defer further discussion until a later date." " You were in favour of it last time." " No, I wasn't." " You were!" "So was everyone, except Defence." " No, they weren't." " They were!" "You promised further discussion!" " Um..." "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I think not." " What?" " There was no such promise." "And the PM did not support the proposal." "If he had, it would appear in the minutes." " It doesn't." " Doesn't it?" "Prime Minister, why was my request for a further discussion not minuted?" " I..." " Er, Prime Minister." "It is characteristic of committee decisions that every member has a vivid recollection of them and that every member's recollection differs from every other member's." "Consequently, we accept the convention that official decisions are those recorded in the minutes by the officials." "From which it emerges, with an elegant inevitability, that any officially reached decision will have been recorded by the officials." "Any decision not recorded has not been officially reached, even if one or more members believe they can recollect it, so, in this case, if the decision had been officially reached, it would've been recorded by the officials," "and it isn't, so it wasn't." "Told you so." "This is a fiddle!" "Prime Minister..." " No, this must stop." " Yes, it must!" "I have drawn up a three-point plan to which we must all adhere." "Point one..." "What was point one?" "Oh, thank you." "Point one, everyone will accept collective decisions, Dudley." " I am perfectly willing to." "How are they defined?" " I define them." "Point two, there will be a cooling-off period on defence relocations." " Point three..." "Can't read this." "Cleaning what?" " No, CLEARING all speeches..." "All speeches and press statements must be cleared with the Cabinet Office." "We can't cool off discussion on something that hasn't been discussed yet and I cannot accept that anything I say must be cleared by HIM." "He won't clear what I want to say." " That is my decision and you must accept it." " I won't accept it!" "Oh." "Well, Dudley, I'm afraid you must consider your position." " Prime Minister." " Yes?" "I have news." "Do you want the bad news first?" " There's bad news and good news?" " No, bad news and worse news." "The Employment Secretary has resigned." "His letter." " I didn't want to lose him." " Would you like the worse news now?" "He's accused you of being dictatorial and running a presidential-style government." "Oh." "Well, I don't mind that." "Rather good, isn't it?" "People like to know they've got a strong leader." " Dictatorial, eh?" " It will be a new pleasure for them." " No, it won't." " No, it won't." "Humphrey, I'm upset about this resignation." "YOUR three-point plan provoked it." "Yes, indeed, Prime Minister, but I understand the Employment Secretary was planning to resign soon in any case." "Was he?" "Why?" "And when?" "On budget day, as it was expected to give him insufficient money to deal with unemployment." " Damaging." " It would've made him extremely popular." " Perhaps it's as well I made him go." " Prime Minister, you handled it brilliantly!" "You forced him to resign on an obscure administrative issue of your choosing, rather than on a policy issue of his choosing." "Nobody will support him because nobody will understand why he's gone." "A masterstroke!" "Yes... it was pretty clever, wasn't it?" "Oh, masterly!" "Here's a press statement you might release." " Shall I phone Bill?" " No, Bernard, I shall phone Bill." "Dictatorial, hm?" "I didn't know he was thinking of resigning over the budget." " Nor did I." " You mean it's not true?" "I didn't say it was true." "I said I understood it to be true." " I may have misunderstood." " So you don't know it's true?" " I don't know it's not." "It might be." " Anything might be!" "Exactly." "Well done, Bernard." "Take this down, Bill." ""I'm puzzled because his plan was being studied, but there was a danger of much greater cost" ""without necessarily achieving the employment objectives. "" "Fine." "Send it up to me when it's typed." "Well, Humphrey, looks as if you've done me a good turn." " Yes, indeed, Prime Minister." " Pity, though." "Yes." "But he was plotting against you, you said so yourself." "Yes." "Hold on, I've got an idea!" "Prime Minister!" "Now that the Employment Secretary's gone, we could reinstate the plan!" "But..." "I could press on with it now and it won't look like weakness, but strength!" " But the whole point was..." " Was what?" " It wasn't to stop the plan, surely?" " No, no, no, no, no." "It was to... um... um... er... er establish your authority." " Exactly." "And I've done that." "So, if we recreate the plan, it'll show I wasn't against it and that Dudley's resignation was pointless, right?" "Put it top of the agenda for the next Cabinet..." "OK?" "Yes, Prime Minister."