"# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "(DEL) Come on!" "Let's have it on." "Get it on." "That's it." "Careful with it!" " We ain't got all day." " It's heavy!" " Move it." " Keep going." "Mind your hernia, Grandad!" "That's it!" "Put your end down, Grandad." "Gordon Bennett, Rodney, what is your game?" "!" "This could be deluxe Chippendale." "You're treating it like we're putting it on the bonfire." " Best place for it!" " This could be a Queen Anne cabinet." " Give over, Del." " It don't look old to me!" "When you were a lad this was probably G-plan!" "To anyone born after the Napoleonic wars, this is antique." "I'm putting an ad in the papers, but I don't know what to charge." "What d'you reckon, 95?" "Why don't you go the whole hog and make it a pound?" "You're starting to annoy me." "It's got woodworm!" " It's not woodworm." " What's all them little holes?" "Maybe Queen Anne played darts." "Where are these lifts?" "I'm considering letting the British Museum look at it." "I'd let Rentokil have a go first." "You don't know nothing about antiques, do you?" "Dealers often put holes in items like this to give it that sort of distressed look." "Distressed?" "Del, this thing looks panic-stricken!" "Where are these rotten lifts?" "If those kids have jammed them again, I'll clip their ears!" "I don't believe it." "I don't believe it!" "Del, it was a complete accident." "It just come off in his hands." "You lying little git, you ripped it off!" "Grandfather, tell the truth for once." "This thing has survived the Spanish Armada, the Black Death and the Blitz." "Then you two cack-handed sods come along, and in five minutes you've destroyed a piece of our national heritage." " Morning, Mr Trotter." " Morning, Mrs Murphy." "You could..." "That was the lift." "That was the lift!" "What am I going to do about that thing, eh?" "You can't bodge about with this sort of quality." "It'll take the skills of a fully-trained furniture restorer." " That ain't half dear, Del Boy." " Are they?" "Rodney, whip down the DIY shop and get a bag of nails." "'Ere you are!" ""Queen Anne cabinet, genuine antique..." ""Good as new..." ""Lovely condition throughout..." ""A snip at £145."" "You could make the Elgin Marbles sound like a second-hand Datsun!" "How much of this stuff did you sell today?" "Pounds sterling or number of items?" "Either." " None." " None?" "!" " People ain't interested." "Gordon Bennett, Rodney!" "A prime site in the Arndale Centre and you can't even get shot of a pair of pop socks." "You want to grow up a bit, my son." "I suppose you spent all day playing marbles with that mate, Elgin, of yours." "What?" "What you doing tomorrow, Rodney?" "Are you and Micky Pearce playing fivestones?" "(DOORBELL) You want to pull your socks up." "These look like living bras that ain't been well." "(DOORBELL)" "Hang about!" "Don't knock the battery out." "Good evening!" "(POSH) Miranda Davenport." "Eh?" " Miranda Davenport." " I think I know what this is about." "If it was your Mercedes I backed into, I can assure you..." "You obviously haven't the faintest idea why I'm here." "I telephoned earlier." "About your ad for the Queen Anne cabinet." "Gotcha!" "I left a message with an elderly gentleman." "He did sound somewhat vague." "Yes, he is rather vague." "He had a bang on the head, you see." " When did it happen?" " Soon." "Do come in, Miss Davenport, there you go." " May I call you Miranda?" " I suppose so." "Do you know, Miranda is my most favourite name?" "My name is Del, short for Derek." "How do you do?" "Please go in the sitting room." "(RODNEY) Oi, Grandad!" "(RODNEY SINGS "THE STRIPPER")" "Good evening..." "Grandad, did someone call earlier about the cabinet?" "Oh, yeah." "She's coming round this evening." "Some posh tart!" "Some posh tart?" "He's a card, ain't he?" "Yes, isn't he just?" "Rodney, clear all this, come on!" "Put your homework away, will you?" "Well, what do you think?" "Very nice!" "Where is the Queen Anne cabinet?" "This is it." "This is the Queen Anne cabinet...?" "This is definitely Queen Anne." "It's been given the once-over by experts." "Do you know anything about antiques, Miranda?" "Yes, I run my own antique shop in Chelsea." "Well, it might not be Queen Anne..." "It isn't." "It's Queen Elizabeth, circa 1955." "Look inside." "You'll see, beneath the dust and cobwebs, some faded lettering." " "Fy...." " "Ff..."" "Thank you, Rodney! "E...s."" "Fyffes?" "Fyffes?" " Didn't they used to make bananas?" " That is correct." "So, what does that indicate, then?" "It indicates banana boxes, of course." " Maybe they was antique banana boxes." " Thank you very much, Grandad." "Why don't you go and watch The Chinese Detective on the portable?" " Go on." " All right, I know where I'm not wanted." "He never quite got over Suez." "Well, are you interested in it, Miranda?" " No, I'm afraid not, Mr Trotter." " Oh!" "What do you think we should do with it?" "I'm not sure." "Is there a tip near here?" "There must be a wally somewhere who'd want to buy it." "Let's face it, you bought it last week." "That's rather pretty." "That?" "You must be joking." "It gives me itchy fever every time I look at it." "I think it's rather sweet." " Is it for sale?" " No, definitely not." "No, that is a family hair loom." "It belonged to my late-departed grandmother." "We couldn't possibly sell it, could we, Rodney?" " Eh?" " No, no." "Is it valuable, then?" "No, it's worthless, I just rather like it, that's all." "I'm redecorating my London flat and I'm on the lookout for little pieces like that." "Still, never mind." "You know, I'm rather in two minds about this cabinet now." "You think it might have some potential?" "I'm not sure." "What's persuading me is that you're obviously a man with an eye for this sort of thing." "Ooh, yes, petit Suisse!" "Right..." "Whereas I'm just a woman trying to make her way in the big wide world." "Oh, yes, it's dog eat dog in the antique game, Miranda." "I know." "Derek, you'll most probably say no, but..." "I was wondering whether we could go into this together." "How do you mean, Miranda?" "Well, I was thinking we could take this to the workroom at the back of my shop." "I have a very good man there who could possibly restore this to its former glory." "He could re-polish the top, varnish out the lettering, new brass handles." "We could put it in the shop and share the profit." "What do you think?" "I think that sounds just the ticket, Miranda." "I'd have to have a word with my partner." " Oh, me?" " Yes, you." "Will you excuse us while we confer?" "Rodney, would you join me?" "I'd like to have a word in the office." " To confer?" " Yes." "Excuse us." "There you go, thank you." "Thank you." "We'll be back in a couple of shakes." "Well, if you want my opinion, I don't think we should let that cabinet out of our sight." "That cabinet is definitely going to her shop to be tarted up and sold for a ridiculously high profit." "End of discussion." "Good." "There's nothing like talking things out (!" ")" "If you wasn't interested in my opinion, why drag me in here?" "'Cause I wanted your advice, Rodney." "I think she fancies me." " Miranda?" " Yeah." "Leave it out!" "She's an intelligent woman." "I know she's an intelligent woman." "That is probably why she fancies me." "True, true." "Yeah, well, I did notice the way she looked at you." "Yeah?" "How?" "What?" "How did she look at me?" "Well, sort of..." "..like that." "Like she had a hot chip in her mouth!" " Del, I can't do a face like hers, can I?" " No, no, I suppose not." "How am I going to tell her the feeling is mutual?" " Just tell her." " How?" "I don't know, do I?" " You're the one with the GCEs." " Just be yourself." "Leave it out, Rodney, I want to be in with at least half a chance." "Del, for once in your life, be you, right?" "And you won't need them soppy French phrases." "Soppy French phrases?" "!" "La bonne vie, you stupid..." " See what I mean?" " What?" "You can't speak French." "You're still struggling with English." "What is it with you?" "Do you like hospital food or something?" "I'm just being honest with you." "Let's face it, most of your French phrases come out of a Citroen manual, don't they?" "A lot of people are impressed by things like that." "Yeah, maybe the cavemen at the Nag's Head, but it's not going to cut any ice with Arthur Negus' youngest." "Perhaps you're right." "If you're really that interested, why don't you just give her a sign of your mutual attraction?" " Yeah, a sign, eh?" " Yeah, and be yourself." "Yeah, yeah, OK, that's it!" "He who dares, wins." "Right!" "Ahem!" "Well, that is it, Miranda." "I have discussed the matter with my partner and we've agreed to accede to your delusions." "What?" "Take that thing with you and get it tarted up." "Oh, good." "I'll telephone in the morning and arrange for it to be collected." "Yes, thank you." "Go on!" " OK." "Fancy a curry?" "Why not?" "My old guts aren't half playing me up this morning." "Yeah, I know." "Got a touch of the old Gandhi's revenge, brother." " What, from the Ruby last night?" " Yeah." "Did Miranda enjoy it?" "She had a bit of aggro with the chicken tikka." "Mind you, it was a bit rubbery." "She was chewing one bit for half an hour." "I thought she'd end up blowing bubbles with it." " She's quite a sort, ain't she, Rodney?" " Yeah, she's all right." "What d'you mean, all right?" "You wouldn't say no, would you?" "Eh?" "She's quite taken with me, you know." "No, she is." "She's very impressed." "She knows I know a lot about antiques." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "Well, you've been out with enough." "Oi, that is enough of that!" "I went up her shop this morning, up Chelsea." "Real pukka establishment, Rodney, I mean real pukka!" "Sort of place royals go." "Something good's going to come out of this." "Do us a favour, Del - don't get too carried away with this Miranda sort, eh?" "Her type don't give a monkey's for the likes of you." "What do you mean by that?" "I mean I've seen it all before." "You meet someone you take a fancy to and within a week it's all wine and roses and "I'm just popping down to Bravingtons, Rodney."" "What d'you think I am?" "Some sort of whelk, wet behind the ears?" " I know exactly what I'm doing." " Aaaaah!" "Nice one, Derek!" "Nice one, my son!" "I must admit there is a certain chemistry between me and Miranda." "Just going to pop next door and get a Dalton's Weekly." "Fancy an Indian?" "Fascist!" "Right, are you fit, then, Rodders?" "Yeah, yeah, fit." "You've a nasty rash coming up on your boat race." "Oh, yeah." "That's just where I caught the sun." "You know..." "If I didn't know better, I'd say someone smacked you right in the eye." " Well, don't go on about it!" " What d'you mean?" "You're a touchy little git sometimes." "Yes, here we are!" "Do come in." "There we are." "I'll get the door." " Oh!" "Allow me." " Thank you." "There you are, Miranda." "Sit yourself down on the shaise longe... ..and I'll fix us a drink." "Now..." "What can I get you?" "Port and lemon, rum and coke, or shall I surprise you?" " Why don't you surprise me?" " Right you are!" "Here we go." "Ahh." "It was a blinding meal, weren't it, Miranda?" "Yes, it was very nice." "I did feel a bit overdressed for a Berni Inn, though." "No, I don't think so." "I think we made quite an impression." "Everybody was looking at us." "Yes..." "Take a sip of that, Miranda." "What is it?" "That is called a Tequila Sunset." "Cheers!" "It tastes of gin!" "Yeah, I ran out of tequila." " Well, it's very nice." " Yeah, isn't it?" "I actually got the recipe off a Mexican barman." "Have you been to Mexico?" "No, no." "He lives in the flat upstairs." " Miranda?" " Hm?" "I, er, well, I've been thinking about us... ..and I've..." "Oh, yes, sorry about that." "That belongs to Rodney." "He's into still life." " He's got his GCE in art, you know?" " Really." "Yeah." "He'll probably be famous when he's dead." "As I was saying, I've been thinking about you and me..." " Do you like art?" " Yeah, triffic." "I can't get enough of it." " The thing is, I was thinking..." " This is very strong." " Yeah." " Do you like Cezanne?" "Ooh, yeah." "A bit of ice and lemonade, it's lovely!" "You see, you and I have got..." "We've got a lot in common, ain't we?" "I mean, you know, we're both...well, English." " I do love that painting." " Yeah, triffic, ain't it?" "Your grandmother must have had very good taste." "She couldn't have had much - she married my grandfather." " Do you like that painting, Derek?" " No, I hate it!" " Can't wait to get rid of it." " Don't ever throw it away, please." "It'd look so nice in my flat." "I'd hang it above my bed." "Just try to picture it..." "Oh, you can't." "I've just remembered." "You haven't seen my bedroom...yet." "No, I haven't seen your bedroom... ..yet." "You were saying?" " Uhh?" " You were talking about us." "Oh, yeah, what I was going to say was," "I thought that, you know, maybe later, well, sort of, not now, if you like, in the future, at some time, when you sort of felt like it, we could, sort of..." "..work closer together." "I've been thinking exactly the same thing." " Have you?" " Ever since I first met you." "Oh, Miranda..." "Drink up, I'll get you another Tequila Sunset." " No, really." "I've had quite enough." " Yeah, all right." "Shall I put my Richard Clayderman LP on?" "I must go." "I must be up early in the morning." "Mummy and Daddy will probably ring first thing to wish me happy returns." " You know what parents are like." " No, I haven't had any for ages." "Sorry, did you say it was your birthday?" "Yes, surely I told you?" " Oh, yes, um..." " You haven't bought me a present?" " Moi...?" " You really shouldn't have." "It's very sweet of you, though." "Thank you." "I really will miss you..." "Sorry, Gran." "# Dee da dee dee...# Good morning, Rodders!" "Good morning, Grandfather!" "It's a beautiful day out, ain't it?" "Makes you glad to be alive." "(RODNEY) Yes, triffic (!" ")" " Where you off to, Del?" " Going up Miranda's shop." " Ooooh!" " Just to see the cabinet!" "What time's visiting hours, Del?" "There's nothing wrong with that cabinet, I keep telling you!" " A very nice cabinet." " Yes, it is." "A million woodworms can't be wrong, can they?" "I've told you before, Rodney, there are no woodworms in that cabinet." "Whose birthday is it, Del?" "Mine, if I play my cards right." ""Happy birthday, sweetheart, from your ever-loving Delly-Welly."" "Delly-WALLY, more like!" "All right, all right." "Put that down and let's not have so much of it!" "Ooh, it's Miranda's birthday, Rodney, and we forgot (!" ")" "Oh, no!" "What a choker (!" ") Still, never mind (!" ")" " What'd you get for her birthday?" " Eh?" "Nothing much." "What's happened to your gran's painting?" "!" "Ah, well!" "I told you the sun would fade it, didn't I?" "Sun my arse!" "You've given it to that tart, ain't you?" "She's just going to hang it on her bedroom wall." "Your gran brought that painting into this house!" "There was an history behind it and you knew it!" "You stole your own grandmother's painting?" "I didn't steal the painting!" "Gran left that painting to me." "Don't give me that Old Mother Hubbard." "She did!" "One night, when she wasn't feeling too well, she said," ""Del, when I go, that painting is yours."" " I don't remember it." " You were out." "That's handy, no witnesses!" " There were witnesses, Mum and Rodney." " Mum ain't here any more." "But Rodney is." "You remember, don't you?" " I can't say I do." " You must remember!" "There, over in the corner with Mum, having your nappy changed!" "Having his nappy changed?" "He could only have been about four." "Exactly, how the hell do you expect...?" "Four?" "!" "I never thought I'd see the day when you, of all people, let the family down." " I'm going to my room." " Here, Grandad, come here...!" "Come on, there you are, look, have a tenner, eh?" "Come on...!" "She's got you tied up like a turkey, ain't she?" "You've changed since you met her, Del." "You've got more hooter than Pinocchio!" "Just stay out of my life, will you?" "Yeah!" "I'll stay out of your life." "In fact, I can safely say that me and Grandad won't ever get under your feet again." "I just hope that Miranda suffers with hay fever." " Rodney?" " What?" "Don't be a plonker." "Did he leave that tenner?" "Hello, Harry." "Is Miranda about?" "She's popped out, Del, just down the road." "Oh, well, I'll pop down and see her." " How comes you ain't open?" " We're being fumigated." "The place is full of woodworm." "You want to watch that, H, especially with your wooden leg." "2,200. 2,500." "2,700." "3,000." "The bid is with Gideon Galleries." "3,200." "3,400." "3,500." "The bid is with Gideon's." "3,600, the gentleman at the back." "3,800, with Miss Davenport." "£3,800, to Miss Davenport." "Da daa!" " Derek!" " Yeah!" "What are you doing here?" "I just thought I'd take you for lunch." "A birthday treat!" " Birthday?" " Yeah." " Oh, yes, how sweet!" " Here, these are for you." " They're daffodils." " So they are (!" ")" "Yeah, used to be my mum's favourite." "Oh, really?" "Well, thank you." "Look, I'm rather busy at the moment." "Why don't you wait for me at that little wine bar?" "Yeah, all right." " Will you be long?" " How should I know?" "Take these with you as well, please." "Yeah." "Yeah, all right." "Now, lot 24 is this recently discovered work by the late 19th-century artist, Joshua Blyth." "It's a particularly fine example." "Shall we start the bidding at 7,000?" "Do I have 7,000?" "7,000." "8?" "8,000?" "You lied to me, didn't you?" "Nobody's perfect." "It's not your birthday at all, is it?" "It will be soon." "All you wanted me for was that painting, wasn't it?" "What else do you think I was interested in?" "That banana box of a Queen Anne cabinet?" "Damn thing's infested my entire stock!" "You know, I thought maybe there was something else." "Oh, you?" "Did you honestly think I enjoyed being in the company of a man who slapped my bottom, called me sweetheart and assaulted my digestive system with third-rate curries?" "Yeah." "You must be a fool!" "Miranda, you should have told me you wanted to sell that painting." "I realised how valuable it was when I first saw it." "Why should I tell you?" " No, Miranda, you don't understand." " You're the one who's confused." "Let's get one thing absolutely clear, that painting is now mine!" "It's been legally registered in my name." "Mummy and Daddy have even signed an affidavit to swear that the painting has been in our family for generations." "(AUCTIONEER) 17,500." "Thank Gawd for that!" "I've been trying to get shot of it for years." "What do you mean?" "I know exactly what that painting is, and I know exactly what it's worth." "Rubbish!" "How could someone like you know that?" "I'll tell you - because my old gran used to be charlady to an art dealer." " That's how I know!" " Oh, this Mrs Mop examined it, did she (?" ")" "No, she didn't examine it, she nicked it!" "(AUCTIONEER) £17,600." "Good luck, sweetheart!" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice And miles and miles of carpet tiles," "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs," "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits From a mush in Shepherd's Bush," "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush," "# No income tax, no VAT, No money back, no guarantee," "# Black or white, rich or broke," "# We'll cut prices at a stroke," "# God bless Hooky Street," "# Viva Hooky Street!" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Hooky Street!" "#" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" "So, I said to her, I said, "Bernice..."" " That her name, is it?" " Bernice?" "Yeah, that's why I called her Bernice." "I said, "Don't play with me, girl, 'cause you are playing with fire."" "I said, "Don't you dare try and tie me down."" "She's into all that, is she?" "No, Trigger, I meant in a spiritual way, she's not..." "No, no." "You see, I'm a free agent, Trig." "Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home." "That's the sort of guy I am." "You got a hat now, then, Dave?" "No, Trig, it's a saying." " Anyway..." " I had a hat once..." "Yeah?" "So, I could see she was upset..." "Someone nicked it at a party." "Really?" "Well, she was crying, begging me not to leave her..." " It had my return ticket in the brim." " Yeah?" "I had to walk all the way home from Plumstead." "I'm going to phone Del, see if he can come down for a drink." "What colour was your hat, Dave?" " Pink." " Same here." "Ooh!" "Sorry!" "You will be if it happens again, Sonny!" "Trigger!" "Oh!" "Wotcher, Roy!" "Long time, eh?" "What brings you this way?" "I thought you were stationed in West London." "Missed you all, didn't I?" "Got myself transferred back to the old parish." "And it's not Roy any more." "You can call me Mr Slater, Detective Inspector Slater, or just plain sir." " Mine's a large scotch." " Oh, right." "Large scotch, love." " Know anything about a microwave oven?" " No, I'm no good with electrics." "I didn't ask you to mend the bleeding thing." "I'm talking about a stolen one." "Someone lifted one off the back of a lorry in Lewisham Grove earlier on." "Yeah?" "Some people!" "Some people!" "What are you up to these days, Trigger?" "Still doing a double-act with Monkey Harris?" "No, I ain't seen Monkey for ages." " What about Boycie?" " Dunno, ain't seen him for years." "Really?" "How about my favourite man?" "How's good old Del Boy keeping?" "Haven't a clue." "Ain't seen him for a long time." "You ain't seen much of anything lately!" "You ought to eat more carrots, Trig." "Upon my soul!" "It's Boycie!" "Hello, Roy!" "What a nice surprise!" "What a coincidence as well." "Eh?" "That you two should be drinking in the same pub." "How long is it since you last saw Trigger?" " Oh, er, it must be at least, er, two months." " Trigger said years!" "Oh, yeah." "Come to mention it, it must be two years." "Time does fly, don't it?" "It certainly does." "Seems like only yesterday I was pounding the beat around here." "They were the good old days, weren't they?" "Triffic (!" ")" "Great (!" ")" "How's Marlene these days?" " Oh, you know, still the same." " Is she?" "Dear, dear!" "I heard that you're dabbling in the video game." "Oh, yes, just a sideline, you know." "I heard a whisper you're flogging pirate tapes." "Yeah, Treasure Island, Mutiny on the Bounty, you name it!" "I'm surprised that Del Boy's still at the same place." "Yeah, still there..." "Oh!" "He's thinking of moving." "Emigrating, actually." "Emigrating?" "Yes, I bet these developing nations are crying out for fly-pitchers." "Well, I must be off!" "So soon?" "After all these years you two should have a lot to talk about." "Yeah, we do, but I've just seen a business acquaintance of mine..." "Hello, Rodney!" "Well, see you, Roy!" "See you, Boyce." "Give my love to Marlene!" "Everyone else used to!" "Rodney?" "Weren't Del's kid brother called Rodney?" "I don't know, Mr Slater." "No, you're deaf, dumb and blind, ain't you?" "I bet you're a wizard on the pinball machine." "Hello, Rodney, nice to see you again!" "Boycie, I was talking with you last night." "Were you?" "Yeah, 'course you were." "My memory must be slipping." "Take care of yourself." "See you around!" "Is that my one, Trig?" "Don't tell me!" "You're Del Boy's brother, Rodney." "Am I right?" "Yeah." "I was at school with Del." "Sat next to him in class." " I ain't seen you since you was a nipper." " Really?" "What's your name?" "Detec..." "Roy, Roy Slater." "I can't recall him mentioning it." "Perhaps he called you by a nickname." "Yeah, knowing Del, that's about it." "Yeah, well, I'm away now, Mr Slater." "Behave yourself, Trigger!" "Well, well, well!" "What is up with everyone today?" "Been at the booze, ain't they?" "So!" "Fancy bumping into you!" "Shame Del Boy couldn't have made it." "I just this minute came off the phone to him." "He was coming down, but got involved with a bit of business." " Something to do with a microwave oven." " Is that right?" "Oh, I'd love to have met him again." "It'd have been a real surprise for him." "Why don't you come back to the flat and have a beer?" "Could I?" "That'd be smashing!" " Yeah, yeah, I'll give him a bell." " No!" "Spoil the surprise." "I can't wait to see his face when you come through the door." "It'll be a picture, Rodney." "It'll be a picture." "(DEL) I don't ask much of you!" "Even when I ask you to do the simplest things, you let me down." "Oh, shut up!" "She won't want to know me now, after last night." "I ain't bothered." "I invited her all the way from Canning Town for an intimate candle-lit dinner, and all I asked you to do was to put the box of wine in the fridge and me Neapolitan ice cream in the freezer." "No, you get that arse about face, don't you?" "Come nine o'clock, all I could offer her was a bowl of gunge and a Beaujolais ice lolly." "Ruined my entire evening, it did." "I..." "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to get the Dukes of Hazzard." "The Dukes of Hazzard?" "!" "This is a microwave oven, you dozy twonk!" "Gordon Bennett!" "You'll be putting frozen pizzas in the portable next." "Come out of the way, will you?" "You're lucky you didn't barbecue yourself!" "Leave it alone!" " Oi, Del!" " Yeah?" " Guess who I met down the pub!" " Whoever she is, don't invite her for dinner!" "No, it's one of your old schoolmates!" "Hello, Del Boy!" "Long time, eh?" "Slater!" "In all me glory!" "Told you he'd be surprised." " Is this your grandad?" " No, that's the au pair!" "Wotcher, Grandad!" "You wouldn't remember me." "Roy Slater!" "I used to be in Del's class at school." "Well, that's a turn-up for the book, ain't it, Del Boy?" "Ain't it just?" "Rodney, get Roy one of them lagers in the fridge." "Yeah, right." "I'll just give Rodney a hand." "What the bloody hell are you trying to do to me?" " Don't you know who that is?" " He said he was an old mate." "He's not an old mate, he's an Old Bill - and when I say an Old Bill, I mean an Old Bill." "That geezer would nick you for anything you did, and for anything you didn't do, and he wouldn't let a silly thing like innocence get in the way." "I didn't have a clue, Del." "I swear." "You wally!" "We've got to play this nice and cagey." "Listen, you've got to be careful what you say to him, because that feller in there collects informers like other people collect stamps." " Got a few grasses, has he?" " No, he ain't got a few grasses, he's got an entire lawn!" "When you go back in there, only speak when you're spoken to, and then keep it down to a simple yes or no." "Think before you blink!" "If God smiles on us, we might get away with it." "Get the beers." " Do they cook as quickly as they claim?" " I don't know, son." "We ain't used it yet." "No?" "That's strange, feels hot." "Yeah, come and cool your fingers on this, Roy, my boy." "There you go!" "How's the police force treating you?" " Police?" "!" " Not too bad." "I got promoted a while back." "I'm Detective Inspector now." "Congratulations!" "A few years from now, you could be advertising tyres." "How's the family?" "I don't see much of them these days, Del." "The old man's still not talking to me." "He's probably still got the needle over that time you nicked him." "He nicked his own father?" "I had no choice." "If there'd been a way of avoiding it, I would have." "But his rear light was defective." "I mean, what else could I do?" "This is true." "He'd only borrowed the bike to go down the fish shop." "That's right, it was just a twist of fate." "You've got to understand that at the time I was young and keen." "Now that I'm older and more experienced, I regret doing it." "Leave it out, Slater." "You've never regretted a nick in your life." "That's not fair, Del." "You're judging me by the Roy Slater that you used to know." "Well, I've changed." "In lots of ways." "Things that were important to me in the past mean nothing now." "I used to be enthusiastic, career-minded, but what have you got at the end of the day?" "You've won your stripes and lost your friends." "(SYMPATHETIC) Come on, Roy." " You didn't lose your friends." " No?" "You didn't have any to lose in the first place." "Yeah, I suppose you're right." " Del?" " Yeah?" "Maybe one evening, if you're not too busy, we could have a couple of beers together." "Yeah, well, see how it goes, shall we?" "Yeah, all right." "Thanks for the drink." "It's nice seeing you all again." "I'll see meself out." "Oh, by the way, you're all under arrest!" "Yes, sir, thank you very much, sir!" "Very nice of you to say so." "Well, I can only have them for receiving, sir, but one of them's an old mate, and I get the feeling that if I treat him nicely enough he might be persuaded to volunteer the name of the real thief." "Yes, you know me, sir." "I play everything by the book, sir." "Well, there's three of them, actually, sir." "Yes, I arrested them single-handed." "I don't think of the danger, sir, I simply see it as my duty." "I'll get back to you, sir, as soon as I've got some information." "OK, sir." "Thank you very much, sir." "Thank you once again, sir." "OK, sir." "Bye for now, sir, bye." "Do you know who that was?" "The wife?" "That was the Assistant Commissioner." "You want to be a bit more careful about your health, son." "In the last half hour, you've done so much boot licking you could be going down with Cherry Blossom poisoning." "Have you informed them of their rights, Constable?" "Yes, sir." " I demand the right to phone my solicitor." " Sit down and behave!" " I'll say nothing till I've phoned my solicitor!" " Go on, then!" "I haven't got a solicitor!" "Don't waste my bloody time, then!" "Calm down, will you?" "Just calm down." "Listen, Slater, I think I've found a way in which we can clear this mess up." "What?" "You tell me the name of the person who nicked the microwave?" "No, I give you 50 quid and you let us go." "I didn't hear that, Del." " I said, I give you 50 quid..." " Del!" "Did you hear that, Hoskins?" "Yes, sir." "Loud and clear." "You really are a star, Del Boy." "You really are a star!" "You are now down for receiving stolen goods and attempting to bribe a police officer." " You never complained before!" " Hear that, Hoskins?" "Sorry, sir, miles away!" "Right!" "Who 'alf-inched the microwave?" "Was it Trigger?" "Come along, gentlemen, I want a name." " We found it, didn't we, Rodney?" " .." "Yeah, yeah, down the market!" "This bloke sort of dropped it." "He dropped it, did he?" "Didn't you call after him?" "Yeah, but he was a bit mutton." "Oh, I see!" "That explains it!" "I wish you'd told me earlier and saved us all this trouble." "It's easily done, Constable." "You're walking along, your mind on other things, you take your handkerchief out your pocket, bang, your microwave falls out!" "Take these two down the corridor and put them in separate rooms." "I'll be along later to get their descriptions of this stone-deaf villain." "And, oi!" "No conferring!" "It's bleedin' starters for ten now." "I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now." "Yeah..." "Is he?" "Which number King's Avenue does he live?" "I don't know, but you can't miss his house." "It's the one with the Jolly Roger flying outside." "That takes me back, Del Boy." "Do you remember when we was kids?" "We used to go over the ponds to play at pirates." "You were Dan Tempest... ..Trigger was Long John Silver..." "And what character did I play?" "You played the bloke what walked the plank." "Oh, yeah." "The bloke that walked the plank." "I was always the bloke that walked the plank, wasn't I?" "I must have been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head." "I always wanted to be Bluebeard!" " You should have said so." " I did say but you'd never let me." " I did, once." " Oh, yeah, I remember." "That was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank." "I tried to be friendly, Slater, but you were such a snide, there was no helping you." "You tried to be friendly?" "Like when?" "Remember that time all the boys dragged you to the ground and Fatty Walker sat on your face?" "And Trigger put all that itching powder in your belly button?" "Vaguely." "I was the one that made them stop at your belly button." "They were all for having your braces off!" "And how did you repay my act of kindness?" "You caught me behind the bike sheds with some bird and told the headmaster!" "It was my sister!" "You always let personal feelings creep into it!" "Right, down to business!" "The face who dropped a microwave, what did he look like?" "About average height." "He was a great big tall fellow." "He was little more than a dwarf." " Age?" " About 25." "Middle fifties." "He was just a kid!" "What about his ethnic group?" "I didn't notice anyone with him." "I mean, was he Caucasian?" "Oh, no, he was a white fellow." "He was African, I think." " Is he allowed to keep us here this long?" " No." " Does that mean we can go, then?" " No." "Well, you shouldn't get involved with hooky gear, should you?" "No, you're absolutely right, young Terry." "How's that gas fire I sold your mum?" "All right, is it?" "Yeah, cheers, Del." "Why don't you do yourself a favour and give him the name of the bloke?" "He'll get it out of you in the end." "He always does." "Slater's a nasty piece of work." "The only people that hate him more than the villains is us coppers." "Supposing I gave him the bloke's name." "What would happen to him?" "'Ere, look." "See that filing cabinet over there?" "That is full to the top with unsolved crimes." "Slater would lay the whole lot on the bloke." "So, after only two weeks at the station, he'll have doubled the conviction rate." "The public are reassured, Slater gets his promotion, and the Commander takes another step closer to his CBE." "And everybody's happy." "All except the poor sod who's gone down the Kermit." " No, I'm not telling him nothing." " Watch out for him, Del." "He's got no scruples, he'll try anything!" "All right, Hoskins, go and have your supper break now." " Thank you, sir." " Shame the canteen's just closed!" "Sorry, Del, did you want a cup of tea?" "No, I had one yesterday." "(LAUGHS)" "Sorry, Del, I'm just reading these descriptions of the Phantom of the Market." "It's good, Del, it's good." "According to you and your family, we are looking for a 6" 7' dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, a white male, with oriental features, who's as black as Newgate's knocker." "Oh, yeah, he wears a deaf-aid." "Not a lot to go on, Inspector." "If I was to take this into court, I could have you lot for perjury as well." "I just found this in our records department." "I hope it's Barry Manilow." "No, it's not Barry Manilow, Del." "It says here, "Criminal File, 94628/A76." ""Name:" "Trotter, Rodney."" "Now, listen, Slat..." "Roy..." "Now, jus... 'Ere, come on..." "Let's leave Rodney out of this, eh?" "He was a right little scallywag at that art school, weren't he?" "Getting caught in some tart's room puffing a Moroccan Woodbine." "He was innocent!" "Not according to this, he weren't." "He only went to her room to borrow some charcoal." "Whatever he was smoking when the police burst in, it weren't charcoal, Del." "Now, I wonder what would happen if, horror of horrors," "I was to discover an illegal substance in one of Rodney's pockets?" "Leave it out, Slater, you know Rodney's got nothing in his pockets." " Soon remedied." " So, what're you gonna stitch Grandad up with?" "Found in possession of a forged bus pass?" "Demanding protection money from the Darby and Joan Club?" "No, I'll see that Grandad's kept out of this." "While you and Rodney are away, sewing mail bags," "Grandad'll be back on the estate...alone." "Just what is that supposed to mean?" "Dangerous places them estates, Del." "I do hope Grandad doesn't fall victim to the mindless filth that walks our streets." "I thought you drove everywhere nowadays." "Listen to me, Slater, I know a lot of coppers and they're all good blokes." "I don't like them, but they play a fair game." "And then there's you, you dirty, stinking..." "Steady, Del." "I don't want to have to add abusive language to your ever-growing list of offences." "I might not have room on the charge sheet." "You and young Rodney are going down for at least a year apiece, unless you give me the name of the mush who nicked the microwave." "Leave it out, Slater." "You know I can't do that, it's against my principles." "My Mum'd turn in her grave if she knew I'd become a copper's nark." "You'll have a lot of time to think about your principles." "I hope the porridge ain't too lumpy." "I'll get the charge sheets typed up." "Just a minute..." "Roy, let's not be hasty." "I think we can make a deal." " I don't like deals." " You'll like this one." "If I give you the name of the bloke who stole that oven, will you let Rodney and Grandad go?" "No charges." "Yeah, all right, I'll let them go." "And you'll also drop all charges against me?" "Oh, come on, Del, I'm looking forward to that!" "You don't seem to understand what I'm saying, Slater." "Once I give you the bloke's name, I'll be one of your grasses." "Oh, Del..." "Del Boy, that is beautiful!" "You will be one of my merry men!" "I'd have you in my pocket." "I could bounce you about, make you dance whenever I felt bored." "If you ever stepped out of line, I'd let it be known that you're an informer." "Yeah, I know." "The deal's on, my old oppo." "I'll drop the charges against you." " You have my word." " Your word?" "Your word means as much to me as the guarantee on that hooky microwave." "I want immunity from prosecution, and I want it in writing, signed, sealed and delivered." "I'll get it arranged right away, Derek!" "We're going to have a good future together, you and me." "I can feel it!" "What's up, Del?" "Cursing the day you crossed me?" "No, I'm cursing the day I made 'em stop at your belly button." "Why's he keeping Del Boy in there?" "That's about the 38th time you've asked me that in the last half hour." "And for the 38th time, Grandad, I'm telling you I don't know." "Well, I thought he'd just charge Del with receiving and he'd get a £50 fine, and then it'd all be forgot about." "That's what I thought." "So did I." "So, why's he keeping him in there?" "Oh, bless my..." "I don't bloody know, Grandad!" "Ohh, Rodney!" "I thought I told you two you're free to go." "We thought we'd hang on a while." "Yeah, it's good here, ain't it?" "Still here?" " We're waiting for Del." " Will he be long, son?" "Only as long as it takes for him to tell me who nicked the microwave." "Better get our heads down, then." "Oh, no." "Del's seen the light." "He's decided to cooperate." "No, you're pulling our legs!" "D'you reckon?" "Come and see for yourselves, come on." "All right, Hoskins, away you go, canteen's open now." "There you are, Del Boy - your immunity from prosecution, signed by the superintendent himself." " What are you playing at, Del?" " What are they doing here?" "!" "I thought it would be interesting for them to see you in your real light." "The great Del Boy, the man who could talk his way out of a room with no doors, reduced to this, grassing!" "I've got to tell him, Rodney." "He's got me all ends up." "I've got no choice." "You don't know his name, Del." "He was just a bloke in the market." "Leave it out, Grandad." "If Mr Slater was to believe our descriptions, he'd have his men searching for someone who was a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant!" "With a deaf-aid!" "Deaf-aid!" "Rodney, I wasn't doing it just for myself." "He threatened to plant something on you and set you up for a bit of bird." "That is against the law!" "Phone the police, ha, ha, ha!" "Don't tell him, Del." "I've got to, Rodney, otherwise it'll mean you and me go down the road, and Grandad's going to be left on the estate." "Ain't got no choice." "Ain't got no choice." "All right, Mr Slater, let's get down to business." "Oh, Del, Del Boy, those words are music to my ears." "I will cherish this moment..." "Right-o, Del, who nicked it?" "They are free to go?" "They're free to go, no charges." "They can leave whenever they like." " Give me his name!" " You've got nothing on me either?" "No!" "You've got an immunity from prosecution!" "You've got less chance of a pull than the Queen!" " Long as I know." " Right!" "For the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry?" "I did!" "# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles" "# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or poor" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street!" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street!" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street!" "# Hooky Street!" "#" "# Stick a pony in me pocket" "# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van" "# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns But you don't ask questions" "# Then, brother, I'm your man" "# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery" "# It's like the changing of the seasons" "# And the tides of the sea" "# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:" "# Why do only fools and horses work?" "#" " What do you reckon?" " They're all right, ain't they?" "They don't half look alike." " They're identical twins." " Yeah?" "Which one do you fancy?" "I'm easy." "Are you sure that's not one bird sitting next to a mirror?" "Nah, they're sisters or something." "They've been here before." "Go on, then." " What?" " Say something!" " What?" " I dunno!" "Anything!" "Like what?" "Just say the first thing that comes into your head." "It's easy." "All right, then, if it's so easy, YOU say something." "What?" " Anything!" "It's easy!" " All right, then, I will!" " Well, go on, then." " I will!" "OI!" "There you are." " Was that it?" " Yeah." " "Oi"?" " Yeah." "You're a right John Travolta when you get goin', Mickey!" " They looked, didn't they?" " Someone just shouted "Oi" at 'em!" "Hold up!" "They're looking over here!" "Hello, I think we've cracked it, Mickey, my son!" "Wotcher, Rodders!" "All right, Michael, my son?" "Who are you two after?" "Oh, not the gruesome twosome, are you?" " They're all right!" " They're so ugly, they look alike!" "Del, they happen to be two sisters." "Oh, sisters!" "Oi, girls, seem much of Cinderella since the wedding?" "Seen Cinderella!" "Ugly sisters!" "That's a good 'un, innit?" "I won't 'ang about." "I don't wanna spoil your chances." "Hello, darlin', you all right?" "Still working at Sainsbury's?" " I'll see you Tuesday, then." " See you Tuesday." "(WHISTLES A TUNE)" "# You made me..." "love you" "# I didn't wanna do it #" " Are you OK, love?" " # I didn't... #" " Who is it?" " Shall I phone you a cab?" "Nah, there'll be a bus along in a minute, my lovely!" "No, they ain't got no buses going along here." "They cut the route in about 1973." "I'll get you a nice taxi, eh?" "No, no, I shall be all...all right." " Oi, careful!" " What are you doing?" "!" "Just steadying yer, that's all." "You touched me!" "I've read about your sort!" "I was trying to stop you falling!" "I'll have the police on you!" "You touched me!" "No, I didn't, honest!" "HELP!" " No, don't shout!" " You touched me!" "No, no, it's all right 'cause..um..." "I-I'm a doctor." "You're not a doctor!" "I am!" "I am, really!" "All right, say "Ah"." " AHHHHHHHH!" " Not that loud!" "Not that loud!" "Bloody hell!" "Look, I tell you what, I'm just going back to the van to...get a thermometer, all right?" " So I can listen..." " HELP!" "HELP!" "RAPE!" "RAPE!" "HELP!" "HELP!" "Del Boy, your breakfast's ready!" "(DEL) Yeah, hang on a minute." "Come on, Rodney." "(GRANDAD) It's on the table." "Nothing like a traditional British breakfast!" "(GRANDAD) That's right!" "Gordon Bennett!" "Why don't you try cooking one every now and then?" "Blimey!" "Looks like a bad day at the Blue Cross!" "Was you two all right last night?" "Yeah, 'course." "Why?" "Well, when Rodney come in, he was behaving very strangely." "He was all trembling and sweating." "He's probably all right." "Don't worry." "Just the start of the mating season." "No, Del, something's up." "Ain't you eating that?" "Ah, no, Grandad." "You see, I'm on a diet." "Oops." "Rodney, your breakfast's ready!" " Ah, all right, Rodders?" " What do you mean, all right?" "Nothing!" "Just...all right, Rodders?" "I'm fine." "Why shouldn't I be all right?" "No reason." "I just said "All right?" like I say every morning, don't I?" "Yeah, sorry." "What did you do when you left the pub last night?" "What makes you think I did something?" "Gordon Bennett!" "I just asked you if you went on anywhere, if you met anyone." "No, I come straight home." "Didn't meet anyone, didn't talk to anyone." "Very uneventful journey." "Long as you enjoyed yourself." "Get that down you." "Gotta pick up the van from the Nag's Head." "Why?" "When we fell out the pub last night, the area was teeming with Old Bill." "They were all there - the Flying Squad, alsatians and your SGB." "There was no way I was driving home." "Not with me being soppy as a sack!" "So, you know, I got a cab." " Did they have a description?" " Of who?" " The man they were after." " Who said they was after a man?" "Well..." "I just assumed they were looking for someone." "See what I mean?" "Yeah." "All right, Rodney." "Sit down." "Something bothering you, ain't there?" "No." "Has somebody threatened you?" "Tell me their name and I'll go sort 'em out!" "It's nothing like that." "You might as well tell us sooner as later." "Save a lot of time." "Oh, it's probably nothing." "It's just my journey home last night weren't as uneventful as I made out." "There was this woman." "She wasn't feeling very well." "I dunno what was wrong with her, but she stunk of booze!" "So I stopped, right, to ask if she wanted any assistance and she started acting all sort of...odd." "Odd?" "Yeah." "Um...screaming... ..shouting things." " What kind of things?" " Er...things like...um..."rape"." "You know, that sort of thing." "So, to try and reassure her and calm her down," "I...told her I was a doctor." "You told her you was a doc...?" "!" "You didn't give her a prescription or nothin'?" "No, no." "Why was she accusing YOU of these things?" "Um..." "I think 'cause, at one point, she stumbled forward, so I put my hands out to stop..." "you know..." "I didn't touch her!" "Well, no, obviously I did touch her, but I didn't...you know..." "Honest!" "All right, all right, Rodney." "OK, take it nice and easy, all right?" "It's just this is gonna take..." "a bit of working out." "What did this woman look like?" "Er, well, she was blonde...45..." "Oh, and her hair had black roots..." "and, er, purple fingernails." "And she was really heavily made up." " Did she call you "my lovely"?" " Yeah." "Do you know her?" "No, no, no, no!" "You didn't catch her name or nothin', did yer?" "Oh, she was wearing..." "an identity necklace." "It said something like..." "Blossom." "(DEL MOUTHS NAME)" "Del, honestly, I did not touch her, I swear to God!" "You expect me to believe that?" "Yes!" "Let's go through the facts, shall we?" "After a night's drinking, on your way home you meet a sick woman." "Instead of phoning for an ambulance like any right-minded citizen, you touch her!" "What do you think you've got - healing hands?" "!" "I don't believe you're saying this to me!" "No, no, this is not ME, this is what the prosecution will say during cross examination." " You don't think it'll go to court?" " It's a pound to a penny, Rodney." "The police don't let matters like this drop lightly." "No." "Old Bailey would be my bet." "The case of the Peckham Pouncer!" " Who called me the Peckham Pouncer?" " The police did." "At the time, I didn't think nothin' of it!" "Why don't you give yourself up, Rodney?" "What?" "!" "I ain't giving myself up!" "Ever seen detectives give someone the third degree on the telly?" "One of them pretends he wants to beat you up, the other pretends to be Mr Nice so it's...you know." "Yeah, perhaps you're right." "You've got form, ain't yer?" "You ain't finished that two years suspended yet." "Oh, I'd forgotten about that!" " It's the others what worry me." " What others?" "Last night there were mobs of vigilantes roaming the streets." "They were shouting things like "Lynch him, lynch him!"" "At the time, I didn't think nothin' of it." "Well, maybe it'd be better if I did give myself up." "All they've got is circumstantial evidence." "Circumstantial?" "!" "A sick woman is attacked at night by a known criminal posing as a doctor?" "Do you know what they'd call me if I went in the nick?" "I'd be a beast." "Beast?" "That's what the other prisoners call people like me." "Everywhere I went, the walls would be whispering " ""Beast...beast!"" "There'd be posses of them waiting for me in the shower room." "There'd be razors in me soap!" "There'd be broken glass in me porridge!" "Oh, you'll soon learn to adapt, Rodney." "It's not fair, Del!" "I swear I didn't touch her!" "I was only trying to help!" "All right, Rodney." "Take it easy." "Relax." "It's all right." "Tell you what I'm gonna do." "I'm gonna go out and see what I can find out." "In the meantime, I want you to get some kip and, above all...stop worrying!" "Yeah." "I am innocent, Del, honest!" "I believe you." "So do I, Rodney." "Do you reckon he done it, Del?" "Leave it out, Grandad!" "All he's done is just bumped into Blossom!" " I don't understand." " She's known for this sort of thing!" "She's as nutty as a fruitcake!" "She spends most of her time in the happy home!" "They only let her out at weekends to get a bit of practice!" "She's always accusing blokes of doing this?" "Yes!" "It's her hobby!" "She's well known to the police!" " Why didn't you tell young Rodney?" " What, and spoil all the fun?" "No way!" "I'm gonna wind him right up with this one!" "By this time tomorrow evening," "I'll have him believing that all the flats are under siege!" "You wanna be a bit careful." "A joke's a joke, but you never know when to stop." "What about that April Fool's Day?" "You told me the pools had rung to say I'd won half a million." "Yeah, that was a belter, wasn't it?" "Wonderful!" "You could have stopped me going up west with me pension money!" "Oh, it wasn't funny, Del!" "There was I in a Soho nightclub drinking champagne with a bird called Camilla and I suddenly realised I didn't even do the bloody pools!" "Stop it!" "You should've seen his face!" "It was a picture!" " I wished I'd had a camera!" " How could he swallow that?" "Rodney said he was thinking of forming an appeal committee." "I said "Nah, you wanna form an escape committee!"" "I thought everyone round here knew what Blossom was like." " She accused my cousin once." " Who?" "Young Sidney?" "No, Marilyn." "There again, Marilyn's always been a bit of a tomboy." "Oh, yeah, it was a crew-cut, braces and a pipe last time I saw her." " 'Ere, are you playing, Trig?" " No, I'm waiting..." "'Course, this Blossom person is completely loopy." "I don't think they should be allowed out." " Why's that?" " They're a danger to the public." "Still selling them second-hand cars, Boycie?" "Oh, yeah, I knocked out a couple tod..." "'Course, I have heard she receives electroid treatment, you know." "Every three months or so, they take her away and plug her head into the national grid." "The lights have been known to dim as far away as Watford!" "They reckon she's sane when they've finished." "Till she gets her electric bill!" "Del...call for you." "Excuse me, chaps." "Won't be a moment." "Three large scotches." "Boycie's paying." " Cheers, Boycie." " (DEL) Hello?" "Oh, hello, Grandad." "Do what?" "What about Rodney?" "What do you mean, gone on the run?" "!" "Why?" "Oh, leave it off, Grandad!" "It was just a joke!" "Yeah, all right, all right." "Look, don't...don't panic." "He'll be home when he's hungry and he wants something to eat." "Oh, has he?" "All right." "All right, Grandad, don't worry." "I'll have a look round for him." "I'll be home in about an hour." "Yeah, all right." "Bye." "(TRIGGER) What's up, Del?" "It's that dipstick Rodney." "He's only gone on the run, ain't he?" " He's found a secret hiding place." " Where?" "How do I know?" "!" "If I knew where it was, it wouldn't be secret, would it?" "!" "There must be a clue." "He left a note saying he'd be in the last place anyone'd think to look." "Tried under his bed?" " He'll be home when he's hungry." " He won't." "Grandad reckons he's taken all the tinned food." "So what you gonna do, then, Del?" "Dunno, Trig, I just dunno." "Ain't you got nothing in the freezer?" " Any luck, Del?" " Nah." "No sign of him, Grandad." "Where did you look?" "Oh, I've been everywhere." "I've been traipsing round Charing Cross, Soho, Leicester Square." "You wanna see what it's like up there in the early hours." "It's like the end of the world." "It's full of drug addicts, glue sniffers, winos." "Do you know what, if a nightingale sang now in Berkeley Square, someone would eat it." " Bad night, eh, Del?" " Yeah, very bad." "I've been offered everything from 50 quid for my passport to a plate of magic mushrooms." " You cooking something?" " No." "What's that horrible smell?" "Sweet and sickly." "Oh, perhaps it's this aftershave I've got on." "Gordon Bennett!" "Where did you get that from?" "Out of YOUR room." "That can't be it, then, can it?" "I know the smell you're talking about." "It were 'ere last night." "Everyone in the flats was moaning about it." "'Ere, why don't you get some sleep, Del Boy?" "Nah, I'll have a cup of tea and another punt round for him." "Where can he be?" "!" "That note from him says he's in the last place you'll think of looking." "I know, I remember." " You HAVE looked under his bed?" " First place I checked." "He's hardly like to be in that bloody drawer, is he?" "!" "I was looking for the note!" "Don't get funny with me!" "This is your fault - you and your jokes!" "I was gonna tell him this morning." "You could've told him yesterday!" "You sat there playing your Johnny Cash Live At San Quentin LP." "All right, don't go on at me, don't go on!" "I feel bad enough as it is!" "But what is that smell?" "!" " I've smelled it before somewhere." " I know." "So did I." " When?" " I told you!" "Last night!" "No, no, no, no, before that!" "It seems to be coming from the ventilating system." "Grandad...go and get them chicken legs out the fridge." "I think know where Rodney's hiding." "Rodney?" "Rodney, it's Del Boy." "Rodney, I know you're in here." "Rodney, don't be a plonker all your life!" "Listen, I can explain everything." "There's nothing to be frightened of." "I've got some scotch here, something to eat." "(TIN CLATTERS)" "(RODNEY) Miaow!" "Or, if you prefer, I could get you a saucer of milk!" "Come on, at least we can talk about it, can't we?" "(THUMP)" "Easy on it, Rodney!" "(RODNEY) No, it's that cat again." "(WIND HOWLS)" "You had me going there for a minute." "How did you know I was here?" "I know a lot of things, Rodney." "Like I know you've been smoking your funny fags again." "No, I ain't, Del, honest." "I ain't touch..." "Well, a couple." "Well, that was the giveaway, you see." "The smell from your exotic tobacco has been wafting down the air ducts." "There's not a man, woman or child that isn't high as a kite!" " You're kidding?" " No, I'm not." "If you stand outside this tower block, all you can hear is giggling!" "Grandad's calling everybody "man"!" "He's thinking of growing his hair in dreadlocks!" " Is Grandad OK?" " Yeah, he's all right." "He's worried about you, though." "What are you doing up here?" "Nothing much." "Not a lot to do in a tank room, Del." "I mean, you can look at the view, but that gets a bit boring after eight hours or so." "I wasn't asking about your activities." "I was speaking...metarorically." "What are you playing at?" "Playing at?" "Well, Del, this is a little game called "not going to prison"!" "The rules are ever so easy." "All you gotta do is find a place to hide and stay there till you die!" "I don't reckon it'll catch on, Rodney." "You could be right there, Del." "But, if necessary, I will shoot my way out of this room!" "So while you've been up here, you've been making a gun, have ya?" "Well, I'll throw tins at 'em, then." "Or you could get an empty can and you could, like, splash 'em to death!" "Ain't had nothing to eat since I've been up here." "Why?" "You been too frightened?" "No, I forgot the tin opener." "Why didn't you pop down for it?" "Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener!" "Anyway, going without food ain't so bad." "People like us get used to it." "Come on, don't give me all that James Cagney stuff!" "Look at me, Ma!" "I'm on top of the world, Ma!" "Look, I'm in the tank room, Ma!" "Why don't you shut up?" "!" " You hungry?" " Yeah." "Here you are." "Get that down your neck." "There." "Cheers, Del." "Great!" "Hey, have the police been round to question you and Grandad?" " Er...no." " Good." "That means they ain't on my trail yet - gives me a bit of time." "Yeah." "Rodney, I've got to explain something." "Like..." "Well, this is sort of like confession time." "You know that woman you met, Blossom?" "Yeah?" "Well, she's mad, Rodney." "I'm not with you." "She's mad...you know." "She's well known to the Old Bill." "They don't take no notice of her." "No, you're lying to me." "No, no, I'm not." "Look, cross my heart, swear to die." "Remember old Corby?" "Two weeks ago, she accused HIM of assaulting her." "He was so surprised, he nearly fell off his wheelchair!" "All right, then, you explain THIS to me." "What were them police doing outside the pub that night?" "That was the mods and the skinheads." "They were at it in the kebab house." "Terrible scenes." "There was chairs going through the windows, there was chilli sauce up the walls." "Somebody knocked over a pan and the staff restroom went up in flames." "No, I don't believe you, Del." "You're trying to get me to come quietly." "No, I'm not." "Look, go on, go on!" "Look out there!" "Go on!" "Now...you see the kebab house..." "No." "Exactly!" "It ain't there no more!" "What further proof do you need?" "No, Del, I don't understand this." "There's been no Photofit pictures, no house-to-house searches, no public outcry?" "No, none at all." "Here y'are, look." "Do you want some water with your Scotch?" "No." "Then why did you tell me I'd go away for 10 years as a special category prisoner, that they'd nicknamed me the Peckham Pouncer, that there were gangs of men roaming the streets looking to hang me from the nearest lamppost?" "For a laugh." "For a laugh?" "Just a bit of a wind-up, that's all." "Del, I haven't slept, I'm starving hungry and I have been freezing my..." "boots off in this tank room because of your bloody wind-up?" "!" "You take things too seriously, that's your problem." " I'm gonna kill you!" " Don't be silly..." "I mean it, I'm gonna kill you now!" "Just a minute, just a minute!" "All right now, I realise I took the joke too far and I should've told you earlier." "I'm..." "I'm sorry, Rodney." "I really am." "I'm still gonna kill you." "Look, I've been all over London looking for you!" "I've been in more doss houses than a tramp's vest!" "That's where you were going so late at night, eh?" "I saw you drive off." "If you saw me, why didn't you say something?" "I'm a man on the run!" "I can hardly lean out and go - "Ooh-ooh, Del!"" "I...suppose you can't." "Listen, Rodney, I feel really sorry for all the aggro I've caused you." "I'd like to try and make it up to you." "Let's say I take you out and buy you a big slap-up meal, eh?" " Yeah?" " Yeah." "With wine and all the works." "Look at these clothes!" "Come on, I'll buy you a new suit." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "But then I'd look silly, brand-new suit and these dirty old plimsoles." "Don't you bloody come it, Rodney!" "Come on, come here." "Come on, I'll buy you a new pair of rhythm-and-blues as well." "How's that?" "Yeah, all right." "There's a good boy." "Good boy." "You know it makes sense, don't yer?" " All in the past, eh?" " Yeah, all in the past." "Cheers." "Look at the state of me!" "You can have a nice hot shower when you get down the flat." "I don't fancy standing under THAT water." "Not after what I'VE been doing in it." "# We've got some half-price cracked ice" "# And miles and miles of carpet tiles TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs" "# Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push" "# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush" "# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush" "# No income tax, no VAT" "# No money back, no guarantee" "# Black or white, rich or broke" "# We'll cut prices at a stroke" "# God bless Hooky Street" "# Viva Hooky Street" "# Long live Hooky Street" "# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Magnifique, Hooky Street" "# Hooky Street"