"Come on!" "Xena rocks!" "Aphrodite blows!" "ELECT XENA GOD" "XENA RULES" "XENA'S DA BOMB" "Delinquent losers!" "I've got half a mind to hit you with..." "A love bolt?" "Hardly seems a threat." "My, my..." "They certainly made a mess here." "Back off, Ar, I'm bummed out enough." "You know what your problem is." "Your little Xena!" "Gabrielle, her friend." "See, I only made the warrior." "She made the legend." "Have you read any of her so-called stories?" "A warrior who loves the common person..." "You'd think she was a goddes." "Pretty soon, when people think of "love" they're gonna think Xena, not Aphrodite." "Xena?" "Don't blame her." "It's Gabrielle and her busy quill." "That's your problem." "I love starting a new scroll." "The feel of it in your hands..." "The look, so clean..." "So perfectly empty..." "Listen the way it crinkles the first time you open it." "And that smell..." "It's just a special, untouched scent." "Try it." "It smells like musty old leather to me." "Well, to the noncreative person, perhaps." "Let's see." "Your last adventure began with..." "Don't you ever get tired of just writing down what I do?" "Why don't you create new characters?" "New images?" "You mean "fiction"?" "Well, I thought about trying that." "...Someday." "Do you really think I could?" "Give it a shot quietly." "Good night." "Xena..." "And make someone else the hero, for a change." "Xena had gone fishing." "The lone warrior, Gabrielle..., ...awoke with a jerk as five barbarians rode out of the woods." "Twirling her trusty staff she delivered kicks of such fury..." "This fictiona stuff can be really fun." "Oh, yeah, a lot of fun." "Xena!" "We've got company!" "Xena!" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "Xena!" "Xena!" "Ok, you asked for it." "Round and up and down she goes!" "Where she stops, nobody knows!" "She's too much for us!" "Let's get out of here!" "And don't come back!" "Did you see that?" "Backflips!" "I don't do backflips." "Do you have armor on under there?" "Where's Xena?" "Who were those...?" "What are you...?" "Wait a minute." ""Xena had gone..." "The lone warrior, Gabrielle...,"" ""...five barbarians..."" ""She started twirling her trusty staff delivering kicks of such fury..."" ""..." "Defleced the thrust of a sword with her mighty abs..."" "I wrote this." "Wait, wait, wait." "Are you saying, anything you write in there comes true?" "Excuse me while I laugh." "Catch!" "Something's wrong with this stick." "Why'd I do that?" "Because I wrote you did." "I can write anything and..." "and it comes true." "In the time of ancient gods..., warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero." "She was Xena." "A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle." "The power." "The passion." "The danger." "Her courage will change the world." "XENA" " WARRIOR PRINCESS" "In my hands, this scroll could be a gift to mankind." "Xena will be very proud when she comes back from fishing." "Fishing?" "I wrote her fishing." "What'd you write to bring me here?" "Like You know... "Gabrielle appeared with a guy with the heart of a lion..., ...soul of a warrior." That kind of thing." "Let's see." ""Xena has gone fi..."" "Fishing." ""...fishing."" ""..." "Gabrielle, awoke with a jerk..."" ""..." "Gabrielle, awoke with a jerk..." That's a funny phrase." "I can't find anything." "I must've come here on my own." "What do we do now?" "What do we do?" "What won't we do..." "Stories can be anything we want them to be." "Happy endings can truly happen, Joxer." "Excuse me." "Aren't you the Sisters of Gaea?" "Yes." "Is there something that we can do to help you?" "We're collecting goods for our orphans." "Things we can sell in our shop in town." "If you have anything..." "Now, that would fetch a pretty dinar." "Yes, I'm sure it would, but I wouldn't give this up just for anybody." "Still, for the Sisters of Gaea." "She means your scabbard." "Oh, right." "No, no." "Oh, no, I couldn't." "My father gave me this." "It was the only thing he ever gave me." "Except get the sword, myself." "I wouldn't part with this for anything." "Oh, too bad." "Ceremonial weapons and the like are a hot commodity in Kargas." "Oh..." "Well, you know, sister..." "I think you're going to get a surprise gift right about now." "Here..." "This will provide for our orphans for years!" "Yes, it's a miracle." "You're welcome." "Give me back my kinsman's sword!" "I just gave it away." "Why did I do that?" "Well, it doesn't really matter now, does it?" "Did the little blonde girlie scare the big, hairy men?" "We are barbarians." "We fear nothing." "Yeah." "We fight with the heart of a lion." "And you run with the feet of a chicken..." "Now, get back on your horsies, and go back after her." "Yes, ma'am." "Barbarians..." "We don't need your money, Joxer." "I've got it covered." "How much will that be?" "That will be... free." "All the food is free!" "And the drinks, are on the house!" "You see there?" "All the food is free." "And the drinks are on the..." "Free mead!" "I can't hold on!" "I think I have to be a bit more careful with my wording." "Hey!" "Good ale." "No way, Ares." "Not until I know for sure..." "...that Xena has left the valley." "I'm giving you my word." "I've taken care of it." "She's gone." "My men might believe that." "I can barely hold them back." "They wanna loot that valley now." "Xena, or no Xena." "But I'm not that stupid." "And how stupid are you?" "Stupid enough to call the god of war a liar?" "May..." "May..." "Maybe." "But I'm definitely not stupid enough to go up against Xena." "Keep your men here." "I'll give you a signal." "You'll know Xena's gone then." "What's the signal?" "You'll know when you see it." "I'll drink to that!" "Fill her up!" "Well, time's a-wasting." "We've got a lot of good to do today, Joxer." "A lot of good." "I love you, man." "You're drunk!" "Who are you calling drunk?" "Come on, Vilius." "You've had enough!" "Who are you to tell me I've had enough?" "You know..." "There's always one drunk who spoils it for everyone." "One drunk?" "Hey!" "That's my mead!" "Couldn't get any worse." "Well, this wasn't supposed to happen." "Where are they?" "It got worse." "You." "You think you can make fools of us?" "We are barbarians." "We will go west." "Yes." "We will go west." "The barbarians are headed for the Sisters of Gaea orphanage!" "Minor setback." ""They turned east."" "No!" "We go east!" "Now they're heading for Akanacia!" ""The barbarians disappeared from the land."" "This way, to the boats." "We'll become pirates and kill all who sail the seas." ""The barbarians went to the caves and fell into a deep sleep."" "Wait!" "To the caves!" "I'm exhausted." "So, this is all the good you wanted to do, huh?" "Forget it." "I am not writing another word." "Yes!" "Now, I don't get it." "I mean, my writing has always been really vivid." "I just am missing something." "Well, maybe it's too vivid." "Maybe it needs a little work, editing or something, you know?" "I've got it!" "I'm not editing my work." "Joxer, that's it." "That's all I have to do." "I just have to be more careful." "Do you realize, that now that I know the power of this scroll I can end hunger." "I can end disease." "I can end..." "I can end war." ""The will of mortals won out..."" "Edit..." ""...and war lost all its power."" "My powers!" "What's happened to my powers?" "You!" "Whaddya done to me?" "It's, it's not my fault..." "I can fix this." ""The force that enchanted the scroll lost its powers."" "Wipeout." "Are you out of your mind?" "You gave this blonde harpie powers of destiny?" "No, I enchanted a scroll." "And don't act so surprised!" "You wanted me to do it." "No, no." "See, what I wanted was for you to go after her so we could get Xena out of the way." "Exsqueeze me." "It worked." "Kind'a." "Wait a minute." "You wanted Xena out of the way..., ...so you enchanted my scroll?" "Ares was being his ususal manipulative self." "He's got some army somewhere, ready to pounce on the valley." "He wanted Xena out of the way, so he wanted to get me mad at you." "You figured that all out by yourself, did you?" "Hey, don't believe everything you hear about blondes." "Look, sweetpea, just give me back my powers then I'll unzap the scroll." "No, no." "Write mine back in first." "That army's waiting for me to give them a signal that Xena's gone." "Not helping your cause any, slick." "I promise, if you give me my powers back, I'll call off the attack." "Ok?" "Pigs can fly?" "You can." "Wait." "If you undo the scroll, Xena's gonna come back and then the army won't attack." "That makes sense." ""Aphrodite is as she was before."" "She is as she was before." "It's all in the wording." "Ok, what if we fill up the scroll completely?" "Would it end the curse?" "Oh, so now it's a curse." "Before, it was a gift." "And no." "Once you run out of room, that's it." "Everything just stays the way it was when you wrote it." "Look, just write..." ""Everything is as it was before."" "Then we'll all go back to our baby cribs and you'll go back under your rock." "Did you write him here?" "Not exactly." "I..." ""..." "Gabrielle, awoke with a jerk..."" "I don't get it." "What's so funny about waking up?" "Nonk." "Thallonius..." "Is that the signal to attack?" "No." "Not the signal." "I have to deconstruct the story, starting from the beginning." "Which means I have to bring Xena back, first." ""Xena rides in at the the head of an army." That's good." "We could end up with an army of ants, or..." "children, or or harpies, or..." "Why don't we describe her?" ""Suddenly there was the arrival of the woman..."" "Leather..." "Mention the leather." ""...wearing leather and black hair, carrying her chakram."" "Wait." "Does anybody really know what a chakram is?" "And does the scroll know it?" ""..." "Carrying the whip of Xena."" "I'm here." "I don't know why, but I know I'm here to do something." "Minya?" "Who is this?" "This is Minya." "She's our friend." "She wants to be Xena, and she has Xena's whip." "Never leaves my side." "So..." "Who's the stud, the dork, and that bottled blonde?" "This is Ares." "Aphrodite." "And Joxer." "Ares, god of war!" "And Aphrodite!" "You're the goddess of love!" "And Joxer..." "Sorry, bub, never heard 'a ya." "Is that...?" "No, man." "That's lunch." "Pluck it." "You know, one thing I like about being mortal..." "What a trip!" "You know..." "My boyfriend, Hower..., ...he thinks that the goddess of love is just so beautiful and perfect..." "Wait till he hears you're just as plain as dirt on a wagon wheel." "Just like me!" "I'm supposed to be the great bard with the wonderful stories." "I can't even write a happy ending without screwing it up." "Yes, you can." "I think your stories are..." "are beautiful and..." "You know..." "Not everything you write turns into disaster." "What about the Sisters of Gaea?" "You know that sword that man gave us?" "We sold it for a king's ransom to Philiadus." "See?" "You did some good." "The orphans of Gaea." "You!" "That is my kinsman's sword and you are a dead man." "Wait!" "What's your name?" "I am Scaborous, why?" "The caves..." "I must go to the caves." "Those caves are gonna start gettin' pretty full." "My throat is dry as dust." "Where's my drink?" "Coming, sir." "No, that's not the sign." "You know, I've been trying to bring Xena here." "But why don't we just go find her?" "I mean, there aren't that many fishing places around here." "I mean, we've gotta find a trout stream, or a fishing hole, or wherever I sent her off." "Why won't it stay up?" "Basic hair-care was not such a drag as a goddess." "I think it looks good on ya." "Flattery works, keep going." "You know what?" "I have this question for you." "I..." "There's this guy... and and he really loves this girl." "But this girl doesn't even know that..." "Hello!" "The love goddes is off the clock." "I got my own problems." "All right." "Poetry..." "And if that doesn't work, presents." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Lots and lots of presents." "Ok?" "Yeah." "Standard answer." "Now give me my space." "Poetry..." "Poetry..." "Let's see." "By the gods." "Look!" "What?" "You wrote on the scroll?" "Oh..." "I..." "I..." "Well." "I was just trying to write a limerick to cheer you up a little." ""A warrior, Joxer, the Mighty...,"" ""...asked a boon from the god Aphrodite."" ""And what a surprise, he saw with love's eyes...,"" ""...three times..."" "Had a little trouble there." "Anyone know a word that ends in "ite"?" "What does love's eyes have to do with me?" "Well..." "Well..." "Well..." "The..." "The..." "The..." "I get it." "I get it." "Of course." "Love's eyes." "Aphrodite's eyes." "She was looking at me when you wrote the poem, right?" "That's it, exactly." "Now..." "Let's send those three to the caves." "We can do it in a minute..." "...or now is good." "To the caves!" "The cave." "Aphrodite..." "Aprhodite said get her a present." "How am I gonna get you a present with no...?" "This is a family heirloom." "Passed from father to son." "Will you trade for it?" "Yeah, I'll trade." "But you'll have to be quick." "It's late." "I'm tired and I'm always open for business." "What is...?" "You like it?" "It's beautiful." "But, why?" "Cause I wanted to get you something." "You know..." "Just to say sorry for... the three naked yous and... and everything." "I..." "I had to trade my father's scabbard for it." "What?" "I had to trade my father's scabbard for it." "Joxer, you said that you would never, ever part with that scabbard." "Well..." "You know, Gabrielle." "Some things in life are worth more than what they seem." "The scroll, Joxer." "Yeah?" "I hid the scroll in the scabbard." "You did?" "Where is it now?" "I traded a peddlar for it." "We can get it back!" "What's the odds he's gonna figure it out?" "You'd better hurry!" "It's raining dinars in town!" "That's funny." "I've got it." "I've got it." "I know exactly what to write, but first we have to get the scroll." "And just what will you write?" "Well, Ares, that's my business." "Now, Aphrodite, Minya, I want you to go to town." "I want you to find out where the peddlar went." "Ares and I are going to go where it's raining dinars, and look for him there." "What about me?" "Well, Joxer, you get to go to the caves and you get to wait." "Come on!" "The caves..." "Hi there, big boy." "Call me when you've had a bath, toots." "Ok." "The tavern-keeper..." "said the peddlar headed out of town." "What's wrong?" "I'm gonna end up like you!" "These ruts are deep..." "as if he's carrying a load of dinars." "Where'd you learn to read trails like that?" "Xena, of course." "You know, you hang around her long enough, you're bound to pick up something." "You just have to focus." "Oh, yeah." "I taught her that." "When she came to me, she was just another lost warlord, hungry to kill." "I gave her a purpose." "Well, she has a different purpose now." "I know." "She is so darned good at it..." "You know, what she did when I had her on trial for her life..." "It was amazing." "Well, how about what she pulled off with the Furies?" "Oh, it was brilliant." "Yeah." "And she does it all with that that steely gaze, you know?" "Oh, yeah, I've seen that one a few times." "It looks like he's heading for the caves." "Yeah." "We were starting to warm up to each other there, weren't we?" "Yeah, we were." "I didn't like it." "Right back at'cha." "Ok." "Joxer!" "I'm trying to disarm him." "I don't know how, but you're going to screw it up." "Now, just back away." "I'm not gonna screw it up." "As long as they don't wake up before I find the ped..." "That's the guy!" "Who's got it?" "The scroll." "Gab..." "Gab..." "Gab!" "Kill them!" "Kill them!" "Come on!" "Let's go!" "Not the scroll!" "Back off!" "My kinsman's sword!" "Nice lookin', huh?" "Yeah." "I'll take that!" "This way!" "Time to end this once and for all." "You there!" "Stay back!" "Gabrielle, over here." "Got'cha." "That's the way out of the caves!" "My sword!" "Come on!" "They're getting away!" "Me?" "I'm mortal." "I might be killed." "Gods!" "You hair-balls!" "Get back here!" "What'd you write in that scroll?" "Instead of bringing Xena to the scroll, I sent the scroll to Xena." "I just hope I phrased it right." "If that's not a sign from Ares, I don't know what is." "Attack!" "Ares, we have got to catch up with your warrior friend so we can call off his attack." "Well, I can't stop them as a mortal." "When I get my powers back, I promise..." "I'm gonna punish Thallonius and his army in some painful, horrible way." "You know, innnocent people are going to die." "Oh, yes..." "Innocent people." "Look!" "With or without you, we're going to fight Thallonius." "Wait." "Who, exactly, is "we"?" "Wait." "Did I smell something?" "Lay off of me, turkey!" "No..." "Oh, it's fish!" "I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing!" "Xena?" "Hi." "Are you looking for this, huh?" "I..." "I took it off a peddlar who was being chased by barbarians who was being chased by three naked Gabrielle's, and Minya." "She's still chasing them, by the way." "Oh, yeah, I read the scroll." "Kind of messed it up, didn't I?" "Pretty much." "Did you write that limerick?" "I did." "Figures." "You know, I tried to get you back." "I tried "Xena goes to her number one friend."." "You sent me to visit a girl I hadn't seen since I was five." "My first friend." "What about "Xena rejoins the woman who brought her to a new life."?" "Mom says thanks for the fish." "I did start back once, but then I was overtaken by this irresistible urge to return to fishing." "I figure that's where you wrote "Xena returns from her journey."." "And then I knew that something was up." "I had visited just about everyone who ever meant anything to me." "Well, except you." "That's when I headed back." "Look, I really hate to be the one to break up, like, a major love-fest but, look at me!" "I'm not built to be mortal!" "We have to put things back the way they were." "Yeah." "And stop Thallonius from destroying the valley." "Whatever." "Aphrodite, what was the charm that you used for the scroll?" "Exact wording." "Lies will make the world go 'round..., ...till truer words are written down." "So if you make something up, the scroll has the power to make it happen." "And when truer words are written..." "the power ends." "Well, that's it!" "All we have to do is write the truth." "Ok, but then how will we get rid of this warlord, Thallonius?" "I'll take care of him." "But you have to write down everything that I do." "No embellishing..." "No poetic license..." "Just exactly what you see...," "...all right?" "But how're we gonna know if it worked?" "When you get your powers back, we'll know." "What's wrong?" "I I'm not really good at... writing action." "What?" "You follow Xena around..." "You..." "You follow Xena around all day." "You write stories about her." "How do you do this without writing action?" "You see, I use metaphors." "I write "Xena burst on the scene in a blaze of glory."." "You do that, we'll be picking her up in a million pieces." "Attack!" "Attack!" "Attack!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Move!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Kill!" "Attack!" "Attack!" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Xena lays with a pike, then a trout." "Two quick bass." "Oh!" "He's taking it on the chin!" "That octopus came out of nowhere." "She must have thrown that just for the halibut." "Write... "Xena hit the warrior with a squid."" "That was an octopus." "I think..." "I know a squid when I see one." "Xena whacked the warrior with her sword." ""Whacked"?" "Is that a word?" ""Hit"." "Say "hit"." "I don't think that's very literary." "Ok, "hit"." "Xena fought with the warrior leader." ""Fought with the..."" "Hey, what do you mean "Awoke with a jerk."?" "Just keep to the script." "I'm ready for action." "Where's Xena?" "Minya, where are the barbarians?" "They stopped fighting and ran back to Barbaria." "My hormones are peaking." "I'm ready for action." "I'm gonna crack some heads!" "I'm back!" "Later!" "Sorry." "Run, maggot!" "Oh, I still got it." "What's that?" "You know..." "I expected more from the god of war." "I mean, without his powers, he's just another man." "Just another... big old..." "leather-clad well-muscled... gorgeous..." "hunk A bad-boy man." "How are those hormones, Minya?" "Raging." "I..." "I might go see..." "Hower." "Weird." "I guess everythings' fine, now." "I guess so." "Hey, look, you still got some extra space at the bottom of the scroll." "I guess that means there's something else to write." "Try "The End"." "Well, ok..." "I personally think that sounds a bit..." "Subtitles: @marlonrock1986 (^^V^^)"