"DO WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU" "TONIGHT." "HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO WASHINGTON," "BUT HE DECIDED TO BE WITH THE" "PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT HIM THERE." "PLEASE WELCOME THE PRESIDENT OF" "THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP." "THANKYOU." "THANK YOU." "WE ALL LOVE TRUMP, DON'T WE." "WE DO." "I HAD AN AMAZING WEEK, FOLKS." "CHINA, E JUPT AND JORDAN." "GORSUCH WAS CONFIRMED AND THE" "MEDIA IS SAYING NICE THINGS AND" "NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA." "WHAT A DIFFERENCE 59 TOMAHAWK" "MISSILES CAN MAKE." "I WANT TO SPEND 20 MINUTES TODAY" "WITH MY PEOPLE." "FOLK WHO IS DON'T WHISPER OH," "GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENING AFTER I" "LEAVE THE ROOM." "I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU." "THINGS HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH" "SINCE I WAS GROWING UP." "A LOT OF PVERTY IS WHITE NOW." "ISN'T THAT CRAZY." "YOU LIKE THAT I BOMBED SYRIA?" "ISUREDO ,SIR,BUT IWANTED" "TO TALK ABOUT MY JOB." "I RECENTLY GOT LAID OFF FROM A" "COAL MINING PLANT." "GOD,I LOVECOAL." "YOU GUYS HAVE SUFFERED TERRIBLY." "WORSE THAN ANYONE." "I AM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING I" "CAN TO MAKE SURE YOU PEOPLE WORK" "IN COAL FOR THE REST OF YOUR" "LIVES." "AND YOUR KIDS WILL WORK IN COAL" "AND YOUR GRANDKIDS." "IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE." "MR.PRESIDENT,THANKYOU SO" "MUCH, BUT ALL WE WANT ARE GOOD" "JOBS." "THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE IN COAL." "SORRY,IT'SALLCOAL." "IN TRUMP'S AMERICA, MEN WORK IN" "TWO PLACES." "COAL MINES AND GOLDMAN SACHS." "CAREFUL, I'M CUTTING ALL JOB" "KILLING REGULATIONS." "I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT AS OF" "TODAY, YOUR COAL MINES WILL HAVE" "NO REGULATIONS." "NONE." "IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL." "HOW ABOUT YOU." "ARE YOU GLAD THAT I BOMBED" "SYRIA." "IGUESSSO ." "I FOUND OUT MY PREMIUMS HAVE" "GONE UP AND I HAVE TO DRIVE 90" "MINUTES TO SEE A DOCTOR." "I KNOW YOU TRIED YOUR BEST TO" "FIX IT BUT YOU COULDN'T." "PAULRYANDID,BUT IDID." "I POSED FOR PICTURES AND WENT" "HONK, HONK!" "I WON'T GIVE UP." "I AM TALKING WITH THE FREEDOM" "CAUCUS AND WE ARE GOING TO GET" "RID OF IT?" "MYHEALTHCARE?" "ALL OF IT?" "ALLOFIT ." "GONE." "AFTER WE ARE DONE." "YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO DRIVE TO" "SEE A DOCTOR AGAIN." "HOW DOES THAT SOUND?" "ITRUSTYOURJUDGMENT,SIR." "THERE MUST BE SOME REASON YOU" "ARE A BILLIONAIRE." "WETHINKEXACTLYALIKE." "I SAY QUIETLY TO MYSELF, ALL THE" "TIME ACTUALLY." "THERE MUST BE SOME REASON I'M A" "BILLIONAIRE." "WHO IS NEXT UP?" "IWANTTO TALKABOUTMYWIFE" "WHO IS ADDICTED TO PAIN KILLERS." "SUSANRICE." "PUT HER IN JAIL, RIGHT?" "." "IWORKIN UNIONS,BUT MYWIFE" "WON'T MOVE BECAUSE SHE IS IN A" "REHAB PROGRAM AN HOUR AWAY." "MYWIFEDOESN'TWANTTOMOVE" "EITHER." "200 MILES AWAY AND COSTING THE" "FEDERAL GOVERNMENT MILLIONS OF" "DOLLARS, BUT SHE LOVES HER OWN" "BED." "CRAZY." "LIKEI WASSAYING,MYWIFE" "STAYS BECAUSE OF THE FEDERAL" "REHAB PROGRAM." "DON'TWORRYABOUTTHAT." "WE WILL GET RID OF IT." "YOUAREGETTINGRID OFIT?" "JUNKINGIT." "JUNKED." "NOW SHE CAN LIVE WHEREVER SHE" "WANTS." "DID I MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?" "I'MNOTSURE,BUT IVOTEDFOR" "YOU AND YOU ARE MY PRESIDENT." "THAT'SWHYICAMEHERE ." "YOU STAND BY ME NOW MATTER WHAT." "YOU FOUND A FINGER IN YOUR CHILI" "AND STILL EAT THE CHILI AND YOU" "DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE" "CHILI." "IT'S TREMENDOUS." "THANKYOUFORCOMING." "I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY OWN" "CHILD WHO IS IN AN AFTER SCHOOL" "PROGRAM." "JUNKED." "OKAY." "GREAT." "I WORK TWO JOBS FOR MINIMUM" "WAGE." "MINIMUMWAGE,GONE." "GONE." "OKAY." "PERFECT." "IT'S JUST WE CAN'T AFFORD A NEW" "HOUSE BECAUSE MY MORGAN IS UNDER" "WATER." "WEAREGETTINGRIGHTOFTHAT?" "MYMORTGAGE?" "YOURHOUSE." "WECAN'TDRINKTHE WATER" "BECAUSE THERE IS LEAD IN IT." "WEWILLKEEPTHAT." "WE STILL LOVE TRUMP?" "YOUAREMY PRESIDENT." "YOUAREBLOWINGMYMIND ." "KEEP EATING THAT FINGER CHILI." "REMEMBER I'M ONE OF YOU AND LIVE" "FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY" "NIGHT!" "Announcer:" "IT'S"SATURDAY" "NIGHT LIVE" WITH " "VANESSA BAYER," "BECK BENNETT," "AIDY BRYANT," "MICHAEL CHE," "PETE DAVIDSON," "LESLIE JONES," "COLIN JOST," "KATE McKINNON," "KYLE MOONEY," "BOBBY MOYNIHAN," "CECILY STRONG," "KENAN THOMPSON," "SASHEER ZAMATA." "FEATURING " "MIKEY DAY," "ALEX MOFFAT," "MELISSA VILLASENOR," "MUSICAL GUEST " "THE CHAINSMOKERS AND YOUR" "HOST " "LOUIS C.K." "[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]" "♪♪♪" "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LOUIS C.K." "♪♪♪" "THANKYOUVERYMUCH,YES," "THAT'S RIGHT." "THAT'S APPROPRIATE." "HERE'S A JOKE." "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE" "ROAD?" "BECAUSE THERE IS A BLACK GUY" "WALKING BEHIND HIM." "AND HE WAS NERVOUS." "HE WAS NEW TO THE CITY, THIS" "CHICKEN, AND HE WAS LIKE "I FEEL" "LIKE HE IS FOLLOWING ME."" "BUT THEN HE THOUGHT IF I CROSS" "THE ROAD, THEN IF HE CROSSES THE" "ROAD, HE DEFINITELY FOLOWING ME." "SO HE CROSSES THE ROAD." "THE BLACK GUY WENT HOME, HE'S" "JUST LIVING HIS LIFE." "AND THE CHICKEN IS LIKE "I'M" "SUCH A RACIST."" "HE FELT BAD." "ABOUT A MONTH LATER A BLACK GUY" "ATE THE CHICKEN." "DIFFERENT BLACK GUY." "I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT" "HAPPENED." "BY THE WAY, THIS JOKE IS NOT" "RACIST." "DON'T BE AFRAID." "THIS IS NOT A RACIST JOKE." "THE CHICKEN WAS RACIST." "THE CHICKEN WAS DEFINITELY " "BUT THAT'S CHICKENS." "CHICKENS ARE VERY, SORT OF," "CLOSED DOWN, SORT OF SUSPICIOUS," "PREJUDICE PEOPLE." "YOU KIND OF CAN'T BLAME THEM" "CONSIDERING THAT THEIR SPECIES" "MURDER RATE IS 100%." "THAT'S WHY CHICKENS ARE LIKE " "NO FRIENDLY CHICKENS." "YOU CAN FEED THE SAME CHICKEN" "EVERY DAY." "I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, YOU BLACK" "SON OF A BITCH, I'M NOT COMING" "OVER THERE." "I'M NOT IN YOUR SOUP YET, YOU" "JEW." "I LIKE ANIMALS." "I LIKE WONDERING ABOUT ANIMALS." "I LIKE WONDERING WHAT THEY ARE" "THINKING." "YOU CAN ASK ABOUT ANY ANIMAL AND" "THE CONVERSATION IS OVER." "I WONDER IF ANIMALS ARE AWARE OF" "THEIR LIVES." "LIKE, IS A GIRAFFE UP THERE" "GOING, "WHOA!"" "IT'S TOO HIGH!" "HEY, HORSE." "HORSE!" "WHAT,MAN?" "LOOKATMY NECK!" "THAT'S WHY HORSES MAKE THAT" "NOSE." "YOU ARE NEAR A HORSE AND HE DOES" "THAT, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU SUCK." "DOES A MOOSE LOOK DIFFERENT WHEN" "IT'S SURPRISED?" "DID YOU SEE A MOOSE?" "THEY HAVE THIS " " I SAW A MOOSE" "ONCE IN PERSON." "OR IN MOOSE." "MAYBE I WAS PROJECTING BECAUSE I" "WAS LIKE OH, MY GOSH, A MOOSE" "AND HE WAS GOING OH, MY GOD, I'M" "A MOOSE!" "EVERY MOOSE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE" "WHO GOT TURNED INTO A MOOSE" "BEFORE YOU LOOKED AT HIM." "I WAS THINKING OF BUYING A GOAT." "BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A TRASH" "CAN THAT I CAN MAKE LOVE TO." "THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO BUY A" "GOAT." "I CAN DO THAT WITH A TRASH CAN I" "HAVE NOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE A" "VAGINA." "THAT MAKES IT BETTER." "I DON'T CARE THAT YOU ARE UPSET." "I'M STILL GETTING THE GOAT." "I LOVE DOING THIS." "STAND-UP COMEDY." "I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR 32 YEARS NOW." "IT'S BEEN GOING GREAT FOR FOUR" "YEARS, 28 YEARS IT WAS A" "STRUGGLE." "BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS HAPPY" "WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING." "I WAS." "BECAUSE WHEN YOUR LIFE SUCKS, IT" "JUST SUCKS AND YOU LIVE IT." "WHEN IT GETS BETTER, YOU START" "GETTING UNHAPPY." "THEN YOU'RE UPSET." "THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS." "LIKE, NOW I STAY IN BEAUTIFUL" "FIVE-STAR HOTELS AND I'M" "MISERABLE." "I USED TO STAY IN MOTELS." "NOT EVEN LIKE A NICE " " LIKE A" "MOTEL 6." "THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT." "LIKE A NOT EVEN A NAME." "JUST MOTEL." "LIKE THEY BUILT IT AND ONE GUY" "IS LIKE "WHAT SHOULD WE NAME" "IT?"" "THE OTHER GUY IS LIKE, "WHAT?"" "LAST TIME YOU TOOK A DUMP, DID" "YOU NAME IT?" "YOU KNOW THE MOTELS ON THE" "HIGHWAY AND YOU SAY, WHO IS" "INSIDE OF THAT?" "RIGHT ON THE HIGHWAY." "LIKE, THE DOOR OPENS ONTO THE" "HIGHWAY AND ATRUCK TAKES THE" "DOOR --." "AND WHEN YOU GET IN THE SHOWER," "YOU ARE DIRTIER NOW." "THEY GIVE YOU SOAP AND YOU HAVE" "TO PEEL OUST PAPER AND IT MAKES" "A RASH." "YOU CAN WRITE YOUR NAME IN SKIN" "DISEASE WITH THE SOAP." "AND THERE'S ALWAYS TWO BEDS AND" "ONE BED HAS A BIG POOL OF SPERM" "RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT." "JUST A BIG DEEP POOL WITH A" "CURRENT." "HIGH TIDE AT THE SPERM POOL!" "WHERE'S THE BOAT?" "I STAYED IN, LIKE, IN MOTELS" "LIKE THAT FOR YEARS AND I WAS" "HAPPY." "BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO" "DO?" "COMPLAIN TO THE MOTEL?" "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE" "FRONT DESK?" ""I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE" "MANAGER."" ""WELL, HE'S DEAD." "SOMEBODY DUCT TAPED HIM TO A" "CHAIR AND SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD" "BECAUSE HE OWED HIM $15."" "NOW I STAY AT BEAUTIFUL HOTELS" "AND I'M MISERABLE BECAUSE I" "DON'T LIKE THE FANCY HOTEL" "STUFF." "THEY TIE YOUR BATHROBE INTO A" "SWAN AND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN" "YOU CALL ROOM SERVICE THEY SAY A" "LONG FLOWERY HELLO BEFORE YOU" "TALK ABOUT FOOT." "YOU CALL DOWN TO ROOM SERVICE," "THEY'RE LIKE, "HELLO, THIS ROOM" "SERVICE --"" "[ UNINTELIGIBLE ]" "I HATE IT." "STOP IT!" "I NEVER LET THEM FINISH." "IT'S LIKE, "HELLO, ROOM" "SERVICE --"" "STOP, STOP, STOP!" "THANKS, I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE!" "I'M MEAN." "YOU STAY IN THE HOTELS AND YOU" "ARE USED TO IT AND ONE TIME MY" "LAUNDRY WASN'T THERE." "SO I CALLED HOUSEKEEPING." "NOW THEY DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE" "ALL FANCY AT HOUSEKEEPING." "THIS IS HOW SHE ANSWERS THE" "PHONE, SHE GOES, "HELLO?"" "AND I ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO HER," "I SAID, "DO YOU WANT TO TRY THAT" "AGAIN?"" "YEAH." "I'M TELLING YOU THINGS ABOUT ME." "I WAS LIKE, "DID I REACH YOU ON" "YOUR PERSONAL PHONE TODAY?"" "SO SHE SAID " "SHE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU NEED," "SIR?"" "AND I SAID, "WELL, I GAVE YOU MY" "LAUNDRY YESTERDAY."" "SHE SAID "YOU DIDN'T GIVE IT TO" "ME."" "I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I'M SO" "EXCITED ABOUT HOW MAD I GET TO" "BE NOW." "I SAID, "I GAVE MY LAUNDRY TO" "YOUR DEPARTMENT AND I WAS" "PROMISED." "LIKE IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION" "THAT YOU GET YOUR LAUNDRY." "IT'S BEEN LONGER THAN 24 HOURS." "SHE SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME" "TO DO ABOUT IT?"" "SO I SAID, "OKAY, LISTEN, FIRST" "OF ALL, YOU CAN HEAR IN MY VOICE" "THAT I'M WHITE."" "AND BY THE WAY, I'LL DEFEND THAT" "RIGHT NOW." "I'LL DEFEND THAT." "BECAUSE LOOK, IT'S WRONG THAT" "WHITE PEOPLE GET PREFERENTIAL" "TREATMENT." "IT'S WRONG." "BUT AS LONG AS THEY DO, WHAT'S" "GOING ON AT THIS HOTEL?" "I'M SUPPOSED TO GET THE BEST" "BECAUSE I'M WHITE WHICH IS" "AWFUL AND LONG, BUT WHERE IS IT" "RIGHT NOW?" "SO SHE GETS SICK OF ME." "SHE SAYS, "DO YOU WANT TO SPEAK" "TO A MANAGER?"" "I SAID YES." "SO THE MANAGER COMES ON, "HELLO?" "IT'S NED --"" "[ UNINTELIGIBLE ]" "I SAID, "I AM VERY UPSET!"" "SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, I'M SO SORRY," "WHITE SIR." "WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?"" "I SAID, "I DON'T HAVE MY" "LAUNDRY."" "HE SAID, "AAH!"" "HE SAID, "I'M GOING TO CONDUCT" "AN INVESTIGATION."" "I WAS LIKE, "YES, THAT'S A VERY" "WHITE THING." "I WANT A WHITE INVESTIGATION" "INTO MY LAUNDRY."" "SO HE SAID "I WILL CALL YOU BACK" "IN FIVE MINUTES OR LESS."" "SO I'M WAITING IN MY ROOM" "LIKE " "SO HE CALLS ME BACK LATER, HE" "SAYS, "SIR, I LOOKED INTO THE" "MATTER AND I HAVE ONE QUESTION." "ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU GAVE US" "LAUNDRY?"" "AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT I WAS" "LIKE, "I DID NOT GIVE YOU " "WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT." "THE CHAINSMOKERS ARE HERE." "SO STICK AROUND AND WE'LL BE" "RIGHT BACK." "♪♪♪" "SOTHEREYOUHAVEIT." "I WAS FIVE MILES AWAY FROM THAT" "BAR PLAYING POKER WITH HIS" "FRIEND, MR. BIRD, THE NIGHT OF" "THE MURDER." "YEAH." "THAT'S IT." "I REST MY CASE." "ALLRIGHT,JURORS." "YOU'VE HEARD OPENING STATEMENTS" "FROM BOTH THE DEFENSE AND THE" "PROSECUTION." "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "MR. DOUGLAS, YOU MAY NOW CALL" "YOUR FIRST WITNESS." "THEPROSECUTIONCALLS" "GREGORY SHARPE TO THE STAND." "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "HOLDON." "EXCUSE ME, MR. DOUGLAS." "HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT " "WELL, FRANKLY, YOU HAVE THE MOST" "BEAUTIFUL EYELASHES?" "[ LAUGHTER ]" "THANKYOU,YOURHONOR." "IMEAN,THISCAN 'TBETHE" "FIRST TIME YOU'RE HEARING THIS," "RIGHT?" "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "IT'SNOT,YOURHONOR." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "WOW." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "WHAT A PICKLE TO BE YOU, HUH?" "[ LAUGHTER ]" "WALKING AROUND TOWN, BRINGING" "SPRING WHEREVER YOU GO." "YOURHONOR,CANWECALL THE" "WITNESS, PLEASE?" "OFCOURSE." "BAILIFF." "DOYOUSWEARTOTELL THE" "TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND " "NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH." "WOW." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "UM, I'M SORRY." "IT'S JUST, UM, I'M LOSING MY" "TRAIN OF THOUGHT." "MR.SHARP,WHEREWEREYOUON" "THE NIGHT OF THE 7TH?" "LIKEI TOLDTHECOPS,ITWAS" "POKER NIGHT, AND I WAS PLAYING" "POKER WITH MY BUDDIES." "INCLUDINGMR.BIRD?" "YEAH,HEWASTHERE." "SOYOUAREGOINGTOLOOKME" "IN THE EYE, THESE EYES AND TELL" "YOU HE WAS WITH YOU THAT NIGHT?" "ALL NIGHT?" "I,UM,WELL" "ALLNIGHT?" "ITWASPOKER." "MR.SHARP,WASITTHEN ?" "[ LAUGHTER ]" "UM,WELL,WHATDOYOUWANTME" "TO SAY?" "[ LAUGHTER ]" "IWANTYOUTOLOOK ATME " "COMEON,MAN." "ANDTELLME THETRUTH." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "HEWASN'TWITHME." "HE'S WAS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT" "KILLING PEOPLE." "COMEON,MAN!" "NO FURTHER QUESTIONS." "OBJECTION." "WHAT IS THIS WITH THE EYELASHES?" "I'M APPALLED BY THE PROSECUTION" "HERE." "APPALLEDORJEALOUS?" "[ LAUGHTER ]" "APPALLED." "THIS IS NOT FAIR." "FINE." "THE JURY WILL DO THEIR BEST TO" "NOT BE INFLUENCED BY THE" "PROSECUTION'S GORGEOUS, INVITING" "LASHES." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "AND THEY WILL ALSO DISREGARD THE" "FACT THAT THE DEFENSE'S LASHES" "ARE CLUMPY AND UNREMARKABLE." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "FINE,THANKYOU." "MR. SHARP, WHEN YOU WERE" "QUESTIONED BY POLICE, YOU STATED" "THAT MR. BIRD JOINED YOU FOR" "POKER NIGHT AT YOUR APARTMENT." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "IN FACT, HE CAME TO YOUR PLACE" "EARLY TO HELP YOU GET UP." "YOU EVEN HAD LEFTOVER BEERS YOU" "BROUGHT THAT NIGHT." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "NOW, I'M SORRY, BUT " "MY GOD!" "[ LAUGHTER ]" "OKAY, NOW HE IS DIRECTLY" "INFLUENCING THE JURY." "THAT'SRIDICULOUS,YOUR" "HONOR." "PERMISSION TO APPROACH THE" "BENCH?" "WELL,I WOULDLIKETOVERY ," "VERY MUCH." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "OH, BOTH OF YOU." "ICANGETYOU DISBARREDFOR" "THIS, MANIPULATING A JURY." "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO" "BLATANTLY DISREGARD " "[ LAUGHTER ]" "SO BLATANTLY DISREGARD PROTOCOL" "IN SUCH A " "[ LAUGHTER ]" "OH, MY." "UM." "THERE " "[ BREATHES HEAVILY ]" "THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU." "MAYBE IT'S YOUR UNORTHODOX" "METHOD." "MAYBE IT'S THE WAY YOU CARRY" "YOURSELF." "♪♪♪" "[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]" "YOUCAN'TTRUSTTHE" "GOVERNMENT." "THREATSFROMNORTHKOREA." "MISTRUSTOFGOVERNMENT." "WESOMANYPROBLEMSINTHE" "WORLD." "ITSEEMSLIKETHEREWASNO" "HOPE THINGS WOULD CHANGE." "THEN ONE MAN SPOKE UP." "THISSONGIS ABOUTHIM ." "THANK YOU, SCOTT." "♪♪♪" "♪ TURNED ON THE TV" "WHAT DID SHE SEE" "BLOOD BEING SPILLED" "WAR IN THE MIDDLE EAST ♪" "♪ RESCUE SHE SEEKS" "DID SHE CROSS THE SEA" "WITH HUNDREDS OF DROWNING" "YEARNING TO BE FREE ♪" "♪ SHE COULDN'T SIT BY AND DO" "NOTHING" "HE HAD TO ACT BEFORE IT WAS" "TOO LATE ♪" "♪ HE SHARED AN ARTICLE" "ON FACEBOOK" "AND THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED" "THANK YOU, SCOTT ♪" "♪ YOU SOLVED A PROBLEM" "SCOTT" "YOU BROUGHT THE STRUGGLE" "TO AN END ♪" "♪ SCOTT" "BY SHARING THAT ARTICLE" "WITH 84 FACEBOOK FRIENDS" "THANK YOU SCOTT ♪" "♪ BUT THEN SCOTT REALIZED" "THAT BLACK PEOPLE'S LIVES" "MATTER AS MUCH AS THE LIVES" "OF THE WHITES ♪" "♪ SOME PEOPLE PROTESTED" "AND GOT ARRESTED" "HE HAS TO DO MORE TO" "END THEIR OPPRESSION ♪" "♪ HE KNEW HE HAD TO STAND UP" "HE KNEW HE HAD TO MARCH" "OVER TO HIS LAPTOP AND" "WRITE BLACK LIVES MATTER ♪" "♪ IN HIS TWITTER BIO" "THANK YOU SCOTT" "YOU ENDED RACISM" "SCOTT ♪" "♪ NOW WE'RE ALL EQUAL" "SCOTT" "AND COMPARED TO YOU" "MLK DIDN'T DO [ BLEEP ] ♪" "♪ AT ALL" "THANK YOU SCOTT" "YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE" "THIS DUDE THE MOST ♪" "♪ HE TELLS ME HOW TO FEEL" "ON TOP OF TOP OF HIS POST" "STORY ABOUT GOVERNMENT" "RIPPING YOUR RIGHTS ♪" "♪ GOT HIM PISSED AND" "HE CARES SO HE SHARES" "AND ABOVE RIGHT" "WOMEN'S MARCH GOT ME LIKE ♪" "♪ BIOFUEL GOT ME LIKE" "AND WHEN HIS SISTER HAD A" "BABY SCOTT LIKED" "'CAUSE IT'S A ♪" "♪ BIG DEAL" "SO RAISE SOME HANDS" "EVERY RACE COLOR AND" "CREED FOR THE ♪" "♪ MAN PULLING UP YOUR FEED" "THANK YOU SCOTT" "YOU'RE THE HERO" "THAT WE WAITED FOR ♪" "♪ SCOTT" "WE WON'T EVER FORGET" "SCOTT" "THAT YOU FIGHT FOR ♪" "♪ OUR RIGHTS FOR" "YOUR PHONE WHILE" "YOU'RE ON THE TOILET" "SCOTT ♪" "♪ DOING THINGS ON" "THE INTERNET" "SCOTT" "THEN YOU POST THEM ♪" "♪ ON THE INTERNET" "FOR ALL THE LIVES THAT" "YOU SAVED AND" "THE BATTLES YOU ♪" "♪ HAVE FOUGHT" "THANK YOU, SCOTT ♪" "YOU'REWELCOME." "GEE,GANG,THATMATHTEST WAS" "THE BEES KNEES." "I LOVE MATH." "OH,CONNIE,YOU'RESUCHA" "NERD." "ISN'T CONNIE A NERD, LOUISE?" "LOUISE?" "SORRY,I WASN'TLISTENING." "I WAS MOPING." "LOUISE,AREYOUSTILLUPSET" "ABOUT NOT GETTING ASKED TO THE" "DANCE." "WE KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL" "BETTER." "HEY SAM, HOW ABOUT A ROOT BEER" "FLOAT?" "WE GOT SOMEONE DOWN IN THE" "DUMPS." "WELL,SURETHINGGIRLS." "BUT SPEAKING OF ICE CREAM," "WHAT'S THE SCOOP." "WHO IS POUTY PENNY?" "IT'SME." "I'M THE ONLY GIRL WHO DIDN'T GET" "ASKED TO THE SPRING FLING BEPOP" "AND SOCK HOP." "WELL,ITSOUNDSTOMELIKE" "THOSE BOYS ARE MAKING A WHOPPER" "OF A MISTAKE." "I'M GONNA GIVE YOU AN EXTRA" "SCOOP OF VANILLA ON THE HOUSE." "THANKS,SAM." "I WISH ALL THE BOYS TO BE MORE" "LIKE YOU." "SAMISTHEBEST." "WELLHECK,IF IWERE" "YOUNGER -- 20 YEARS YOUNGER, I" "WOULD ASK YOU MYSELF." "I MEAN IT." "AND GEE, I WOULD ASK YOU AT THE" "AGE I AM RIGHT NOW." "HAHA,SAM." "VERY FUNNY." "SAMTELLSTHEBESTJOKES." "SOWHATDO YOUSAY ?" "TOWHAT,SAM?" "THEDANCE." "ARE WE DOING IT OR WHAT?" "THESPRINGFLING,SAM ?" "THAT'SFORTEENAGERS,SAM ." "WELL,THENWOULDN'TITWOW" "THE CROWD TO SHOW UP WITH AN" "OLDER MAN ON YOUR ARM?" "IWOULDGO WITHSAM IFHE" "ASKED ME." "WELLI DIDN'TASKYOU ," "STUPID, I ASKED LOUISE." "SAM,YOUAREBEINGAWFULLY" "NICE, BUT I WANTED TO GO THE" "DANCE IN A NORMAL WAY, LIKE WITH" "A BOY MY AGE INSTEAD OF AN OLDER" "MARRIED MAN." "MARRIED?" "PLEASE." "THE NEXT TIME I KISS MY WIFE" "WILL BE AT HER FUNERAL." "NEATO,SAM." "HEY,YOUKNOWWHATWOULDBE" "FUN IF WE DID A TEST RUN." "OFWHAT?" "OURDATE." "WE'REARESTILLTALKINGABOUT" "THAT?" "WELL,SURE." "LET'S PRETEND THIS BOOTH IS A" "CAR." "JUST PRETEND." "YOU SURE ARE COOKIE, SAM." "AND THIS IS FUN." "CAN WE BE A PART OF THE SCENE?" "NO,ISSHOWSHUTUP." "SAM,THISIS NICEAND ALL ." "GETDOWN." "BANG, BANG." "I KILLED TWO PEOPLE." "'?" "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" "IDIDN'TLIKETHE WAY THEY" "WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU." "THEY WERE SAYING STUFF LIKE" "LOUISE THINKS SHE IS BETTER THAN" "ALL OF US NOW THAT SHE HAS" "FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED" "MAN AND THEY ARE RUNNING AWAY TO" "GET MARRIED WHERE THE RULES ARE" "DIFFERENT." "OKAY." "THANK YOU, SAM, BUT I WOULD LIKE" "IT GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW." "YOUCAN'T." "WE ARE IN A TUNNEL E." "WHEREISTHEREATUNNELON" "THE WAY TO SCHOOL." "LOUISE,I HAVEBEENLOOKING" "FOR YOU." "WHY,JOHNNY?" "IHAVEBEENTRYINGTODO" "THIS." "LOUISE MARIE, WILL YOU BE MY" "DATE FOR THE SPRING FLING?" "OH,JOHNNY,OF COURSEIWILL ." "WHATDOESTHATMEANFORME?" "CONNIE!" "I MADE DINNER AND YOU ARE HERE" "AT THE PERVERT'S PHOTO SHOP." "LOUISEMADEUS COMEHERE" "BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SAM IS GOING" "TO MAKE INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL" "ADVANCES TOWARDS HER." "ILIKEKNOWINGICOULDGET" "SAM IN BIG TROUBLE, BUT HE DOES" "IT ANYWAY." "MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL." "IT SOUNDS SILLY, BUT I WANT TO" "BE A DOMINATRIX WHEN I GROW UP" "SO IT'S NOT AS HAIR BRAINED AS" "IT SOUNDS." "SEE YA, SAM." "OH,WELL." "I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU DANCING" "ALONE AGAIN TONIGHT, SAM." "I CUT THE HECK OUT OF MY HAND." "ANDTHAT'SACUT ON" "REHEARSAL." "LET'S WILL BE READY TO ROLL IN" "FIVE." "THANKYOU." "HOWISIT GOING," "MR. DIRECTOR?" "GOOD,GOOD." "I'M REALLY EXCITED." "WELL,YOUSHOULDBEWRITING" "AND DIRECTING A COMMERCIAL FOR" "PEPSI." "IT DOESN'T GET MUCH BIGGER THAN" "THAT." "OH,HEY." "THIS IS MY SISTER." "I GOT TO GET THIS REAL QUICK." "CARRIE,HEY." "SORRY, I CAN'T SUPER TALK RIGHT" "NOW." "I'M ON THE SET OF A HUGE PEPSI" "COMMERCIAL I'M DOING." "I KNOW, RIGHT?" "THIS IS, LIKE, COMPLETELY MY" "IDEA, AND NOW, THEY'RE DOING IT." "THAT'S GREAT, YEAH." "I MEAN, OKAY, SO WELL IT'S AN" "HOMAGE TO THE RESISTANCE AND FOR" "THE HUGE PROTESTS IN THE STREETS" "REMINISCENT OF" "BLACK LIVES MATTER." "AND SO, EVERYBODY IS MARCHING," "RIGHT?" "AND THEY CAN SEE POLICE" "OFFICERS, AND THEY THINK IT'S" "GONNA GO BAD BECAUSE THERE'S" "KIND OF, LIKE, A STANDOFF." "AND THEN, KENDALL JENNER WALKS" "IN, AND SHE WALKS UP TO ONE OF" "THE POLICE OFFICERS, AND SHE" "HANDS HIM A PEPSI." "AND THEN, THAT PEPSI BRINGS" "EVERYBODY TOGETHER." "[ SIGHS ]" "ISN'T THAT, LIKE, THE BEST AD" "EVER?" "♪♪♪" "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "UH-HUH." "UH-HUH." "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "SORT OF TONE DEAF." "ALLRIGHT,GUYS!" "THREE MINUTES AWAY!" "THREE MINUTES!" "THANKYOU." "ITHINKMAYBEYOU JUSTDON'T" "GET IT." "IS DOUG THERE?" "CAN YOU PUT HIM ON?" "DOUG!" "HEY, MAN!" "TAKE A BREATH." "WHAT'S UP?" "HEY, I WANT TO RUN THIS PEPSI" "COMMERCIAL BY YOU THAT I'M DOING" "AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE LOVING IT" "AS MUCH AS I AM." "UM, COOL, COOL." "THE WHOLE THING IS AN HOMAGE TO" "RESISTANCE AND" "BLACK LIVES MATTER." "SO, EVERYBODY IS MARCHING IN THE" "STREETS, AND THEY COME UP TO THE" "POLICE OFFICERS " " YEAH, SILLY" "COMMERCIAL." "AND THEN, KENDALL JENNER COMES" "UP TO A POLICE OFFICER AND GIVES" "HIM A PEPSI, AND EVERYBODY" "CELEBRATES." "PEOPLE OF EVERY SINGLE CULTURE" "COME TOGE " " UH-HUH." "UH-HUH." "UH-HUH." "NO, WE'RE CELEBRATING THESE" "CULTURES." "WE'RE CELEBRATING BLACK CULTURE." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "BUT WE'RE ARE ALSO CELEBRATING" "ASIAN CULTURE." "OH." "DO YOU WANT ME PLAYING THE" "CELLO?" "MM, MM, MM." "OH." "GOT IT." "JUST KIND OF USING THEM?" "YEAH." "IT'SALLSODA?" "[ WHISPERING ]" "GREAT." "IT'S GONNA BE BAD." "ALLRIGHT,PEOPLE!" "60 SECONDS UNTIL WE ROLL ON THIS" "MAN, SINGULAR VISION!" "AH,YES!" "HEY,MAN,COULDYOU PUT A" "NEIGHBOR ON THE PHONE, A BLACK" "ONE?" "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "HI, MA'AM." "HEY, WE'RE SHOOTING A LITTLE" "PEPSI COMMERCIAL OVER HERE." "I WANT TO RUN IT BY YOU, AND GET" "YOUR OPINION ON IT." "OKAY, GREAT." "SO, THE WHOLE THING IS AN HOMAGE" "ON BLACK LIVES MATTER." "UH-HUH." "UH-HUH." "DON'T EVEN TOUCH IT?" "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "IT WOULD BE INSANE TO TOUCH IT," "RIGHT?" "OKAY." "DON'T EVEN SHOW POLICE?" "[ SIGHS ]" "YEAH." "WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE IN" "MY SITUATION?" "JUST RUN TO MY CAR?" "OKAY." "ALLRIGHT." "WE HAVE GOT TO GO, PEOPLE!" "HEY,KENNY." "DO WE HAVE TIME FOR A REWRITE?" "HEY,NOCANDO, BUD ." "LET'S INVITE KENDALL TO SET." "SHE HAS HER HEART OUT IN 45 SECONDS." "NO,NO!" "OKAY,WELLI'LLCALLYOU." "I AM ON THE SET OF MY PEPSI" "COMMERCIAL." "UM, I STOP THE POLICE FROM" "SHOOTING BLACK PEOPLE BY GIVING" "THEM A PEPSI." "I KNOW!" "IT'S CUTE, RIGHT?" "UGH!" "♪♪♪" "[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]" "LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,THE" "CHAIN SMOKERS." "♪♪♪" "♪♪♪" "♪ WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS" "TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR PARENTS" "AND I THOUGHT, WOW, IF ♪" "♪ I COULD TAKE THIS IN A" "SHOT RIGHT NOW" "I DON'T THINK THAT WE" "COULD WORK THIS OUT ♪" "♪ OUT ON THE TERRACE" "I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S FAIR" "BUT I THOUGHT, HOW COULD ♪" "♪ I LET YOU FALL BY YOURSELF" "WHILE I'M WASTED" "WITH SOMEONE ELSE ♪" "♪ IF WE GO DOWN THEN" "WE GO DOWN TOGETHER" "THEY'LL SAY YOU" "COULD DO ANYTHING THEY'LL ♪" "♪ SAY THAT I WAS CLEVER" "IF WE GO DOWN THEN" "WE GO DOWN TOGETHER" "WE'LL GET AWAY WITH ♪" "♪ EVERYTHING LET'S SHOW" "THEM WE ARE BETTER" "SHOW THEM WE ARE ♪" "♪ SHOW THEM WE ARE" "SHOW THEM WE ARE" "SHOW THEM WE ARE" "LET'S SHOW THEM ♪" "♪ WE ARE BETTER WE WERE STAYING" "IN PARIS TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR" "PARENTS" "YOU LOOK SO PROUD STANDING ♪" "♪ THERE WITH A FROWN" "AND A CIGARETTE" "POSTING PICTURES OF" "YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET ♪" "♪ OUT ON THE TERRACE" "WE BREATHE IN THE AIR" "OF THIS SMALL TOWN ♪" "♪ ON OUR OWN CUTTIN CLASS" "FOR THE THRILL OF IT" "GETTING DRUNK ON THE" "PAST WE WERE LIVIN IN ♪" "♪ IF WE GO DOWN THEN WE" "GO DOWN TOGETHER" "THEY'LL SAY YOU" "COULD DO ANYTHING ♪" "♪ THEY'LL SAY THAT" "I WAS CLEVER" "IF WE GO DOWN THEN" "WE GO DOWN TOGETHER ♪" "♪ WE'LL GET AWAY" "WITH EVERYTHING" "LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER ♪" "♪♪♪" "♪ LET'S SHOW THEM WE ARE BETTER" "SHOW THEM WE ARE" "SHOW THEM WE ARE" "♪ SHOW THEM WE ARE" "LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER ♪" "♪♪♪" "♪ IF WE GO DOWN THEN" "WE GO DOWN TOGETHER" "THEY'LL SAY YOU" "COULD DO ANYTHING ♪" "♪ THEY'LL SAY THAT" "I WAS CLEVER" "IF WE GO DOWN THEN" "WE GO DOWN TOGETHER ♪" "♪ WE'LL GET AWAY WITH" "EVERYTHING" "LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER ♪" "♪ IF WE GO DOWN" "LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER" "IF WE GO DOWN ♪" "♪ LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER ♪" "♪♪♪" "♪ WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS" "LET'S SHOW THEM ♪" "♪ WE ARE BETTER" "LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER ♪" "♪ WE WERE STAYING IN PARIS" "LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER ♪" "♪ LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER ♪" "♪ LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER ♪" "♪ LET'S SHOW THEM" "WE ARE BETTER ♪" "[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]" "♪♪♪" "Announcer:" "IT'SWEEKEND" "UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND" "MICHAEL CHE." "[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]" "WHAT'SUP,EVERYONE?" "WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE." "I'M MICHAEL CHE." "ANDI 'MCOLINJOST." "WELL IT TURNS OUT THE ONLY THING" "SCARIER THAN DONALD TRUMP ACTING" "UN-PRESIDENTIAL IS DONALD TRUMP" "ACTING PRESIDENTIAL." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "IN RESPONSE TO THE SYRIAN" "REGIMES CHEMICAL WEAPONS ATTACK," "PRESIDENT TRUMP ON THURSDAY" "SPENT 59 TOMAHAWK MISSILES TO" "DISABLE A SYRIAN AIR FIELD." "BECAUSE WHEN TRUMP IS ANGRY, HE" "ALWAYS PRESSES SEND." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS" "WHERE IT'S SEEMS EXTRA JARRING" "THAT DONALD TRUMP IS OUR" "PRESIDENT." "EVEN IF YOU ARE A TRUMP" "SUPPORTER, IT'S GOTTA SEEM A" "LITTLE CRAZY THAT A GUY IS" "STARTING A WAR WITH ASSAD WHILE" "HE'S STILL BOGGED DOWN IN A" "TWITTER WAR WITH SCHWARZENEGGER." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "REMEMBER AFTER TRUMP WAS ELECTED" "AND EVERYONE KEPT SAYING, "STOP" "TAKING TRUMP LITERALLY." "HE'S NOT LITERALLY GOING TO BAN" "MUSLIMS AND DEPORT MEXICANS AND" "BOMB THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE."" "AND ALL IM SAYING IS, IF I WERE" "HILLARY CLINTON, I'D START" "GETTING IN PRISON SHAPE." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "IMAYBE OVERSIMPLIFYINGTHE" "DETAILS." "THEU.S.HASATTACKEDASSAD" "WHO, LIKE US, IS ALREADY AT WAR" "WITH ISIS." "BUT ASSAD IS A CLOSE ALLY WITH" "RUSSIA WHO TRUMP HAS SAID HE" "WANTS TO WORK WITH TO DEFEAT" "ISIS." "EVEN THOUGH THE THREAT TO ISIS" "IS ASSAD WHO TRUMP JUST BOMBED." "SO, IN CASE YOU ARE HAVING" "TROUBLE FOLLOWING ALL THAT," "HERE'S A REENACTMENT OF WHAT I" "JUST DESCRIBED." "♪♪♪" "[ SLAPPING NOISES ]" "[ LAUGHTER ]" "SIMPLE ENOUGH, RIGHT?" "THE ATTACK COMES AS A SURPRISE" "BECAUSE JUST MONDAY, THE" "PRESIDENT SAID HE WANTED NOTHING" "TO DO WITH THE SYRIAN CONFLICT." "AND BY THURSDAY HE HAD ALREADY" "ATTACKED THEM." "HE'S HANDLING CONFLICT THE WAY" "MY MOTHER HANDLES FAMILY DRAMA." "AT FIRST, SHE'S LIKE, "THIS" "AIN'T NONE OF MY BUSINESS." "Y'ALL LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS."" "Y'ALL GROWN." "THEN THREE DAYS LATER, SHE'S" "OUTSIDE MY EX'S JOB IN A TRACK" "SUIT WITH A BRICK IN ONE HAND" "AND HER WIG IN THE OTHER." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "TRUMP ALSO BROKE PROTOCOL BY NOT" "WAITING FOR APPROVAL FROM" "CONGRESS." "HE DIDN'T EVEN WAIT UNTIL HE WAS" "HOME." "HE WAS STILL ON VACATION IN" "MARGARITAVILLE OR WHEREVER HE" "GOES." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "AND THEN SENT 60 MISSILES FROM" "AMAZON PRIME ON A WHIM." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "PRESIDENTTRUMPMETWITH" "CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING " "THIS WEEK AT HIS MAR A LAGO" "ESTATE." "AND THEN WHEN THE TWO MEN STOOD" "NEXT TO EACH OTHER FOR THE FIRST" "TIME, ONE THING BECAME VERY" "CLEAR." "IF YOU MASH THEM TOGETHER, THEY" "WOULD LOOK EXACTLY LIKE" "STEVEN SEGAL." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "ONFRIDAYTHESENATEVOTEDTO" "CONFIRM SUPREME COURT NOMINEE" "NEAL GORSUCH WHICH MADE IT EXTRA" "AWKWARD FOR MERRICK GARLAND'S" "FAMILY WHEN HE PRETENDED TO COME" "HOME FROM WORK AGAIN." "AFTER A LONG DAY AT THE SUPREME" "COURT." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "[ AUDIENCE OOHS ]" "THISWEEK,WHITEHOUSECHIEF" "STRATEGIST STEVE BANNON WAS" "REMOVED FROM THE NATIONAL" "SECURITY COUNCIL." "AND THIS TIME, HE PROBABLY CAN" "BLAME THE JEWS." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "[ AUDIENCE OOHS ]" "THEWHOUGSREVEALSTHATJARED" "KUSHNER TRAVELED WITH THE CHIEF" "OF STAFF." "HE LOOKS LIKE COLIN WHEN HE GOES" "BUY WEED." "ITWASMY FIRSTTIME." "THIS WAS A COMPLETE LACK OF SELF" "AWARENESS." "THEY ARE THE WORST THING THAT" "RICH WHITE GUYS CAN BE." "OBLIVIOUS." "HE IS ACCUSED OF BEING RACIST E." "HE HAD TO REDUCE OVERSIGHT AND" "THE WAY TO PICK UP ON THE VIBE" "OF THE COUNTRY." "FOUR DAYS INTO SEXUAL ASSAULT" "AWARENESS MONTH, HE COMES TO" "DEFEND THE GUY ACCUSED OF SEXUAL" "ASSAULT." "ON THE VERGE OF WORLD WAR 3," "JARED KUSHNER ROLLS ON HIS BEST" "OUTFIT." "YOU ARE GOING TO SEE GENERALS," "NOT VAMPIRE WEEKEND." "BILLO 'REILLYANDFOXNEWS" "PAID OUT $13 MILLION IN PAYMENTS" "TO FIVE WOMEN." "THE BEST CASE SCENARIO IS YOU" "ARE SO BAD WITH WOMEN, IT COSTS" "YOU $2.5 MILLION EVERY TIME YOU" "FLIRT." "BUT THE MOST IT COST ME IS A" "TWO-STAR RATING ON UBER POOL." "LASTWEEKAN AIRPORTUNVEILED" "A BUS THAT A SOCCER PLAYER WHO" "LOOKS LIKE THIS, BUT THE STATUE" "CAME OUT LIKE THIS." "THE ARTIST IS A JESUS FANATIC." "HELLO, CECILIA." "DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE" "SCULPTURE." "PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LOVE IT." "PEOPLELOVEYOURJESUS" "PARTICIPATING AND IT'S A HUGE" "TOURIST ATTRACTION." "JESUSIMPRESSEDME AT NIGHT" "HE COMES TO ME AND LOOKS UPON ME" "WITH HIS KIND DARK SNAKE EYES" "AND SAID " " AND I THANK JESUS" "FOR EVERYTHING HE HAS DONE AND" "HE SAID TO ME " " IT WORKS OUT" "FOR YOU, KIND OF." "IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU SO IT CAN" "WORK OUT ON THE SCULPTURE." "IT'SBEAUTIFULART." "WOW." "THE FIRST QUESTION ANY GREAT" "SCULPTURE MUST ASK ABOUT HIS" "SUBJECT IS WHY WOULD HE LOCK" "LIKE IF HE HAD A STROKE." "HE HAD THE STROKE WHILE SAYING" "CHEESE." "LOOK AT THIS." "LOOK AT HIS EYES." "THEY LOVE EACH OTHER." "THEY WANT TO BE TOGETHER." "THEY ARE LIKE A LITTLE LESBIAN" "TEENAGERS AT A SLEEP OVER TRYING" "TO PUSH THEIR BEDS TOGETHER IN" "THE NIGHT." "PERFECT." "LOOK AT THIS." "IT'S LIKE THEY TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL" "FACE AND PUT IT THROUGH A SNAP" "CHAT FILTER WHERE THE FEATURES" "ARE TWISTED AND SUCKED INTO THE" "NOSE." "DOYOUREALLY" "THANKYOU." "DO YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE THIS" "LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE REYNALDO?" "OFCOURSEIT DOES." "IT'S PERFECT." "IT'S THE SPITTING IMAGE OF" "REYNALDO AND THAT'S WHY SO MANY" "PEOPLE SPIT ON IT." "LOOK AT THE GORGEOUS SMILE." "THAT'S A SMILE THAT SAYS I GOT A" "FISH IN MY MOUTH AND I'M TRYING" "TO KEEP IT IN THERE." "AND JUST TO SHOW SOCCER IS NOT" "JUST FOR BOYS, THEY MAKE THE" "NECK OUT OF A VAGINA." "YES,YES,ISEE HOW YOU MIGHT" "LIKE THIS, BUT I FEEL LIKE A LOT" "OF SOCCER FANS OUT THERE WHO" "THINK IT'S PRETTY BAD." "WHY?" "THIS IS A PERFECT IMAGE OF" "REYNALDO PLAYING FOOTBALL." "SEE HOW THE ARTIST CAPTURES HIS" "LOOK WHEN THE BALL HIT HIM IN" "THE FACE?" "YOUTHINKIT 'SAT AN AIRPORT" "AND YOU THINK THEY WANT TO SEE" "IT?" "YOU ARE SO SAD." "YOU WANT TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE" "OF A MAN WHO PETS A BUNNY SO" "MUCH IT DIES." "OH, MY GOD." "WOW." "WHATISYOURNEXTPROJECT?" "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE WORKING" "ON?" "NBCHASCOMMISSIONEDASTATUE" "FOR YOU FOR OUTSIDE AND GUESS" "WHO THEY HIRED TO DO IT?" "WHODIDTHEYHIRE?" "ME." "ICOULDHAVEGUESSEDTHAT ." "YOU ARE DOING A STATUE OF ME." "IALLRIGHTDID IT." "LOOK AT THIS." "CECILIAJIMENEZ,EVERYONE." "AWOMANIN CALIFORNIAWAS" "INJURED AFTER SHE FELL 60 FEET" "WHILE TRYING TO TAKE A SELFIE" "FROM A BRIDGE." "WORSE, SHE NO LONGER HAS A GOOD" "SIDE." "AWHITEHOUSEUNVEILED" "MELANIA TRUMP'S PORTRAIT AND SHE" "POSED IN FRONT OF THE SAME GIANT" "SPIDER WEB I DID IN FIFTH GRADE." "IT'S OFFICIAL, BARRY MANILOW IS" "GAY." "THIS STORY WAS FIRST REPORTED IN" "THE COMMENT SECTION OF HIS YOU" "TUBE VIDEOS." "AN 18-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN ROMANIA" "AUCTIONED HER VIRGINITY FOR $2.5" "MILLION, THE SECOND WORSE THING" "SOMEONE HAS DONE FOR MONEY THIS" "WEEK." "OFFICIALSATTHECLEVELAND" "ZOO ANNOUNCED THAT ONE OF THE" "CRITICALLY ENDANGERED BLACK" "RHINOS IS PREGNANT." "STILL NO WORD IF SHE PLANS TO" "KEEP IT." "NEW RESEARCH SHOWS 59% OF PEOPLE" "EAT THE EARS FIRST ON THEIR" "CHOCOLATE BUNNIES." "THE REST ARE LIKE ME AND GO" "STRAIGHT FOR THAT BUTT." "ITWASREPORTEDTHATYAHOO" "AND AOL WILL COMBINE TO FORM A" "NEW COMPANY BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS" "TO DIE ALONE." "AND MANATEES." "DOYOUOWNONE ?" "MANATEES HAVE BEENY HAVE BEEN" "UPGREAT THE FROM ENDANGERED TO" "THREATENED." "FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, THE" "McMANATEE IS BACK." "THE WEEKEND UPDATE." "BACKATYOU!" "[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]" "YOUAREABOUTTOENTERTHE" ""NO SPIN ZONE"!" ""THE FACTOR" BEGINS RIGHT NOW." "♪♪♪" "HELLO." "I'M BILL O'REILLY, AND I HOPE" "YOU ARE HAVING A TERRIFIC" "EVENING." "THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S TALKING" "POINT'S MEMO IS A SCANDAL" "EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT ALL" "WEEK." "A SCANDAL NO ONE THOUGHT I WOULD" "HAVE THE GUTS TO ADDRESS HEAD" "ON, BUT THE SHOCKING ALLEGATIONS" "OF GROSS MISCONDUCT AND ABUSE OF" "POWER HAS BEEN DOUBLED AGAINST" "OBAMA." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "LET'S GO FOR LAURA FOR AN" "UPDATE." "WHAT'S THAT?" "LAURA NO LONGER WORKS FOR THE" "COMPANY?" "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "I SEE." "WE NORMALLY HAVE MELEE IN THE" "STUDIO, BUT WE ARE REPORTING" "LIVE FROM 500 YARDS AWAY." "MALIA, YOU SPOKE TO OBAMA" "SECURITY ADVISER SUSAN RICE AND" "SAID I BELIEVE SHE ILLEGALLY" "LEAKED THE NAMES OF TRUMP'S" "PEOPLE TO THE MEDIA." "YESANDSHEDENIEDIT." "YOUASKEDHERPOINTBLANKAND" "SHE SAID " "NO." "WHENSHESAIDNO, WHATWAS" "HER VIBE?" "HERVIBE?" "WHENSHESAIDNO, DID HER" "EYES SAY YES?" "SOMETIMES THEY DO THAT." "NO,THEYJUSTSAIDNO." "ITWASAFIRMNOOR LIKE- " "OH,MAN." "CAN WE DO THAT THING WE TALKED" "ABOUT." "TERRIFICREPORTING,MALIA." "THANKSFORHAVINGME, BILL." "WEWILLTAKEAQUICKBREAK ." "AS YOU KNOW, 60 OF OUR SPONSORS" "HAVE PULLED ADS FROM THE" "PROGRAM." "NO WORD AS TO WHY YET." "WE THANK THE FOLLOWING FOR" "STICKING WITH US." ""THEO 'REILLYFACTOR"BROUGHT" "TO YOU BY DOG COCAINE." "YOU CAN TEACH DOGS NEW TRICKS." ""THE O'REILLY FACTOR" SPONSORED" "BY PRESCRIPTION STRENGZ EL KWIS." "CIALIS FOR HORSES." "GET YOUR HORSES BOOMED UP AND" "SEE WHAT HAPPENS." "THE HORSE APHRODISIAC FOR THE" "FACTOR." "AND FINALLY, THE MOVIE CHIPS." "CHIPS." "OOPS." "VERYPROUDOF ALLOFOUR" "RESPONSEORS." "THIS IS HARD FOR ME TO DISCUSS," "BUT I ALSO HAVE BEEN IN THE NEW" "THIS IS WEEK." "SEVERAL WOMEN HAVE COME FORWARD" "AND ACCUSED ME OF OFFERING THEM" "EXCITING OPPORTUNITIES HERE AT" "FOX NEWS." "THE DETAILS ARE FUZZY, BUT ONE" "MAN WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO COME TO" "MY DEFENSE WHO IS UNIMPEACHABLE" "ON ALL FEMALE ISSUES." "PLEASE WELCOME THE PRESIDENT OF" "THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP." "[ APPLAUSE ]" "HI." "HELLO, EVERYWHERE." "GOOD EVENING, BILL, IT'S SO" "WONDERFUL TO BE HERE ON THE" "FACTOR." "I'M A BIG MAN." "I'MA BIGFANASWELL AND" "IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE." "YOU LOOK EVEN BETTER ON TV." "IKNOW." "I DO." "I LOOK FANTASTIC AND CAN I TELL" "YOU SOMETHING, I ACTUALLY SEE A" "LOT OF MYSELF IN YOU, BILL." "THANKYOU,MR.PRESIDENTAND" "THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY" "DEFENSE EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ASK" "YOU TO." "YOU EVEN WENT AS FAR AS SAYING" "BILL O'REILLY DID NOTHING WRONG." "THAT'SCORRECT." "BASEDUPON?" "AHUNCH." "A LOOSE HUNCH." "YOUARENOTFAMILIARWITH THE" "FACTS OF THE CASE?" "I'MMOREFAMILIARWITHTHIS" "CASE THAN, SAY, HEALTH CARE, BUT" "I DIDN'T LOOK INTO IT MUCH, NO." "I WAS BUSY BEING SUPER" "PRESIDENTIAL BY BOMBING." "IAPPRECIATEYOURSUPPORTON" "BEHALF OF ALL WOMEN AND THANK" "YOU, DONALD TRUMP, FOR PROMOTING" "SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH." "THAT'SRIGHT,BILL." "IT'S A SUBJECT NEAR AND DEAR TO" "MY HAND." "THANKYOUFORSTOPPINGBYTHE" "FACTOR, MR. PRESIDENT." "MAKE IT A GOOD ONE." "ISTHATAJOKE?" "EXCUSEME." "ALOTOF PEOPLESAY KEEPUP" "THE GOOD WORK AND I FOUND IT WAS" "A JOKE." "IWASNOTMAKINGAJOKE." "I PROMISE." "I'MBACK,BABY." "DON'TFORGETTO CHECKOUT MY" "HIT BOOK, OLD SCHOOL, LIFE IN" "THE SANE LANE." "IT'S ABOUT HAVING TERRIFIC" "MORALS AND VALUES AND COULDN'T" "HAVE AM COME AT A BETTER TIME" "I'M BILL O'REILLY." "THANKS FOR WATCHING THE FACTOR." "HEY." "I'M SETH." "I'M THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN." "SORRY I CAME EARLY." "THAT'SOKAY." "DID YOU FIND PARKING OKAY?" "ITOOKAN UBER?" "DRESSEDLIKETHIS?" "IT'SPARTOF THEJOB ." "I'M USED TO IT." "SETUPHERE." "YOU HAVE TO GET A BETTER" "DEFENSE." "ITHASBEENAGOOD SEASON." "WHERE IS THE BIRTHDAY BOY." "LITTLE ERNIE." "THAT'SME." "I'M ERNIE." "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY." "SO" "DOYOUWANT" "SHOULD" "WE WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO SHOW UP." "NO,IT'SJUSTME." "WHENEVER YOU'RE READY." "I'MSORRY." "BEFORE I START, I'M WONDERING" "WHY " "IHAVETO TAKEMYMIND OFF" "SOME STUFF." "YEAH." "OKAY." "SURE." "YEAH." "I'M JUST GOING TO DO IT." "♪♪♪" "HEY,KIDS." "ARE YOU READY FOR DO DO THE" "CLOWN?" "UH-HUH." "ICAN'THEARYOU ." "YEAH,I 'MREADY." "NOWHERECOMESDODO!" "CUTE." "HEY,KIDS." "DO YOU REMEMBER MY NAME?" "DODO." "ANDWHAT'SYOURNAME," "BIRTHDAY BOY?" "ERNIESULLIVAN." "HOWOLDAREYOU TURNING" "TODAY?" "I'M53." "WHAT'SYOURFAVORITECOLOR?" "UM,I DON'TKNOW." "OKAY." "UM, BOY I SURE AM HUNGRY." "I HOPE I GOT A SNACK!" "THAT'SPRETTYFUNNY." "HERE YOU GO." "YOUGIVINGME ATIP ?" "YOUWANTME TO WAITUNTIL" "AFTER." "THEREISNO PROTOCOLFOR" "WHATEVER THIS IS." "GOAHEAD." "EXCUSE ME." "YOUWANTME TO STOPAND WAIT?" "NO,I CANSEEFROMHERE ." "KEEP GOING." "HEY, CAN YOU GET THAT?" "WEAREHEREFOR LITTLE" "ERNIE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY." "YOUDON'TWANTTHIS." "I THINK I SHOULD GO TOO." "YEAH,MAN." "LISTEN, I'M SORRY." "I TRY TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT" "FOR MY BIRTHDAY." "IT GOT WEIRD." "NO." "IT'S OKAY." "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." "THANKYOU." "CAN YOU COME INTO THE KITCHEN" "FOR A MINUTE?" "YEAH." "WHAT'S UP." "I'MGOINGTO CHOPYOU UPIN" "LITTLE PIECES AND PUT YOU IN THE" "FRIDGE." "SEEMSABO" "♪♪♪" "SOLONGAS MENCAN BREATHE" "OR I CAN SEE, SO LONG LIVE THIS" "AND THIS GIVES LIFE TO THEE." "SECTIONAL COUCHES." "♪♪♪" "WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY MY" "GRANDMOTHER BOUGHT ME A NEW" "COUCH." "I LOOKED AT IT AND I SAID WHERE" "IS THE REST OF IT?" "THAT'S THE FIRST OF MANY STORIES" "YOU ARE GOING TO HEAR." "THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG." "WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT WHERE" "MOST PEOPLE'S COUCHES END, YOURS" "CAN BEND AND KEEP GOING?" "♪♪♪" "WOW." "KING ME." "NOTHING LIKE IT." "LEGEND HAS IT THAT, IN ANCIENT" "ROME, THE EMPEROR ASKED FOR A" "VERY LONG COUCH." "ONE THAT WOULD STRETCH TO" "INFINITY." "BUT, WHEN THEY BOUGHT THEM THE" "COUCH, HE GAZED AT IT AND" "POWERFULLY SAID, "WELL THAT'S" "NOT GOING TO FIT."" "SO, THEY PUT A BEND IN IT, AND" "THEY BUILT IT IN SECTIONS." "♪♪♪" "[ SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]" "HI." "♪♪♪" "THISONE'SCALLEDTHE "BAD" "LANDS."" "GOD KNOWS WHAT IT'S STUCK WITH." "EACH [ INAUDIBLE ] BOUFF" "UNFOLDING AND UNFOLDING FOR" "ETERNITY." "THIS ONE'S CALLED "THE" "GATHERING."" "IT LOOKS LIKE ELEPHANTS GATHERED" "FOR AN IMPORTANT [ INAUDIBLE ]." "IT HAS A PHONE CHARGER AND" "ELECTRICITY RUNS THROUGH IT." "REST YOUR TIRED HEAD IN THE" "BOSOM OF THIS ROBUST GODDESS." "DRINK OF MILK?" "IF YOU DON'T HAVE THIS ONE, LET" "ME ASK YOU A QUESTION." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "THESE ARE ALL MADE ON EARTH." "BUT, ALL THESE COUCHES ARE" "NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT I'M" "GOING TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW." "LISTEN HAD TO ME SPEAK." "THERE WAS ONCE A WOMAN NAMED" "BARB SOMEWHERE IN RACINE," "WISCONSIN." "SHE WENT TO A COUCH STORE AND" "SHE SAID " "BIGGER." "SOTHEYSHOWEDHER ABIGGER" "ONE AND SHE SAID " "NO,BIGGER!" "ANDTHENTHEYSHOWEDBARB A" "COUCH BIGGER THAN ANY OTHER" "THING ON EARTH!" "♪♪♪" "AND SHE SAID " "YES!" "YES!" "I'LL TAKE IT!" "THIS PIECE IS CALLED "THE" "NEXUS."" "IT IS THE EYE OF THE STORM." "THE REST OF THE SECTIONAL IS" "BORN FROM THIS POINT, AND THAT" "IS HOW THEY'RE MADE." "PERIOD." "♪♪♪" "I USED TO HAVE A FAMILY." "WIFE SITS ON A COUCH HERE, THEN" "SITS ON A COUCH THERE." "I LONGED TO CONNECT THEM." "SO, I BOUGHT MY FIRST SECTIONAL." "THEN I BOUGHT ANOTHER, AND" "ANOTHER." "THEN A WAREHOUSE TO STORE THEM," "AND THEN A STOREFRONT TO SHOW" "THEM TO THE PEOPLE THROUGH THE" "WINDOWS." "THEN HE CAME IN AND ASKED HOW" "MUCH ARE THEY?" "I REPLIED, "GET OFF MY PROPERTY." "THESE ARE NOT FOR SALE."" "AND THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL." "I GOT THIS AIR TIME TO SAY" "PLEASE LET ME BE." "THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL." "GOOD NIGHT." "SECTIONALSOFAEMPORIUM, 8259, SODA STREET." "NOT OPEN TO THE PUBLIC." "NOT A BUSINESS." "♪♪♪" "ONCEAGAIN,THECHAIN" "SMOKERS." "♪♪♪" "♪♪♪" "HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE THE" "WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪" "♪ GIVE ME TIME, GIVE ME SPACE," "GIVE ME REASON ♪♪♪ 12340E9 THAT'S WHAT YOU TELL ME" "WHEN YOU ARE LEAVING." "CHANGE YOUR MIND EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪" "♪ YOU ARE INSATIABLE AND I KNOW" "YOU SAY YOU WANT IT NOW ♪♪♪" "♪ GIVE ME THE RUN AROUND ♪♪♪" "♪ WHICH ONE CAN HELP ME NOW ♪♪♪" "♪ SHE HAS SEVEN PERSONALITIES" "AND EVERY ONE A TRAGEDY ♪♪♪" "♪ SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪" "♪ SHE FINALLY DECIDES TO" "FINISH ♪♪♪" "♪ SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪" "♪ HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE" "THE WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪" "♪ TIME AND YOU ARE FOR REAL." "YOU ARE THE REAL WORLD ♪♪♪" "♪ CHECK MY PHONE ♪♪♪" "♪ I KIND OF LOVE IT THOUGH ♪♪♪" "♪ I KNOW YOU SAY YOU NEED ME" "NOW ♪♪♪" "♪ GIVE ME THE RUN AROUND ♪♪♪" "♪ WHICH ONE CAN HELP IT NOW ♪♪♪" "♪ SHE HAS SEVEN PERSONALITIES" "AND EVERY ONE'S A TRAGEDY." "SHE WANTS TO BREAK UP EVERY" "NIGHT ♪♪♪" "♪ DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL SHE" "FINALLY DECIDES TO FINISH ♪♪♪" "♪ TRIES TO BRING ME BACK TO" "LIFE ♪♪♪" "♪ HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE" "THE WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪" "♪ SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪" "♪ DON'T WANT TO WAIT TILL SHE" "FINALLY DECIDES TO FINISH ♪♪♪" "♪" "THEBRIDGEIS UP ♪♪ ♪" "♪ THE BRIDGE IS UP ♪♪♪" "♪ THE BRIDGE IS UP AND THE" "BRIDGE IS UP AGAIN ♪♪♪" "♪ THE BRIDGE IS UP AGAIN ♪♪♪" "♪ SHE WANTS TO PRACTICE EVERY" "NIGHT SHE WANTS EVERY NIGHT ♪♪♪" "♪ DON'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL SHE" "FINALLY DECIDES TO FINISH." "SHE WANTS TO PRACTICE EVERY" "NIGHT ♪♪♪" "♪ THAT'S A FEELING EVERY" "NIGHT ♪♪♪" "♪ HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I LIKE" "THE WAY SHE MAKES ME FEEL ♪♪♪" "♪" "OKAY,SQUEEZEON IN HERE" "GUYS." "OUR NEXT STOP ON THE MUSEUM TOUR" "IS THIS APARTMENT WHICH APPEARS" "EXACTLY AS IT WOULD HAVE IN 1913." "OKAY,PAYATTENTION,GUYS." "SOME OF THIS IS GOING TO BE ON" "THE QUIZ." "NOW,THISWASTHE HOMEOFTHE" "LINZOWSKY'S, THE WORKING CLASS" "FAMILY FROM POLAND AND TO HELP" "US UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS LIKE" "FOR THEM IN THE STRANGE NEW LAND" "OF AMERICA, A GROUP OF" "HISTORICALLY TRAINED ACTORS WILL" "BE JOINING US TO BRING THE" "LINZWSKY'S BACK TO LIFE." "IN FACT, I THINK I HEAR THEM" "NOW." "♪♪♪" "MYDARLINGAVA." "FOR 16 HOURS TODAY, I'LL" "BREAK MY HANDS IN FACTORY." "I CAN AFFORD TO BRING HOME" "CABBAGE FORKS, WE SHOULD HAVE" "[INAUDIBLE]." "WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN POLAND." "MICHAEL,OURBODIESWILLHAVE" "TO BE FILLED WITH LOVE." "FOOD WILL BE A LUXURY FOR THE" "NEXT GENERATION." "AWE,THEYCAMEHEREFORTHEIR" "CHILDREN." "IWISHICOULDBRINGHOME" "MORE MONEY --." "THERE ARE NO GOOD JOBS." "THEY HAVE ALL BEEN TAKEN BY THE" "FILTHY GREASE BALL ITALIANS." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "WHATDIDHE SAY?" "MITCHELL!" "SHAME ON YOU." "IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT THEY ARE" "GREASY." "THAT'S JUST HOW GOD MADE THEM." "WELL,DIDGODALSOMAKE THEM" "ALL HORNY, KNUCKLE DRAGGING," "MONKEY GRINDERS?" "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "I'MNOTSURETHISISOKAYFOR" "MY STUDENTS TO HEAR." "OH,NO,NO ." "I ASSURE YOU THIS CONVERSATION" "IS 100% HISTORICALLY ACCURATE." "MITCHELL,NOMORETALKOF" "ITALIAN." "IDON'TLIKETOSEEYOUUPSET" "OVER THIS CROTCH GRABBING LIAR" "WHO ARE NOT EVEN REALLY WHITE" "PEOPLE." "OKAY,PLEASE." "SIT AND RELAX AND EAT." "GOOD,NOWLOOKATTHEBULLS" "MRS. LINDOWSKY IS USING." "SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD BE A" "TREASURED FAMILY HEIRLOOM." "COOL." "WHAT'S UP WITH THE ITALIAN" "STUFF?" "HEY,LET'SJUSTWAITUNTIL" "THE SCENE IS DONE FOR QUESTIONS." "LETMEASKYOU ,HOW DOYOU" "BRAIN WASH AN ITALIAN?" "HOW,MITCHELL?" "YOUGIVEHIMANENEMA." "THATMAKESSENSE." "AND MITCHELL, DO YOU KNOW WHY" "ITALY IS SHAPED LIKE A BOOT?" "WHY,MYLOVE?" "DO YOU THINK THEY CAN FIT THAT" "MUCH CRAP INTO A TENNIS SHOE?" "[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]" "THATISVERYTRUE,REALLY." "SORRY." "ARE THEY JUST TELLING ITALIAN" "JOKES?" "YES." "IMUSTGO OR IWILLBELATE" "FOR MY NIGHT SHIFT AT THE" "FACTORY." "YOUWORKSO HARD,MITCHELL." "IWORKHARDINFACTORYSO" "THAT SOME DAY OUR CHILDREN WILL" "BE BOSS OF FACTORY AND THEN " "THEY WILL HIRE HALF WIT, RAT" "FACES AND WORK THEM TO DEATH AT" "THE MACHINES." "THIS IS MY DREAM." "AMAZING." "LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE" "LINDOWSKY'S." "[ APPLAUSE ]" "FEELSKINDOF WEIRDCLAPPING" "FOR THAT BUT ALL RIGHT." "NOW,MAGICALLYTHE" "LINDOWSKY'S CAN HEAR YOU ALL THE" "WAY BACK IN 1913." "SO WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO ASK THEM" "A QUESTION?" "HI." "UM, YOU SAY GREASE BALL IS IT" "BECAUSE THE FOOD IS GREASY OR" "THEY ARE?" "PLEASEDON'TANSWERTHAT." "ANYONE ELSE?" "IHAVEAQUESTION." "HEHASCHOCOLATEFACE." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "ANDYOUJUSTANSWEREDIT." "ACTUALLY,I HAVEAQUESTION" "FOR MRS. LINDOWSKY." "THAT CONTRAPTION THERE, I DON'T" "KNOW WHAT IT IS." "CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT?" "YES,THISIS FORTODRY" "CLOTHES." "YOU PUT THE WET FABRIC HERE AND" "YOU TURN AND LEAVE IT LIKE THIS." "ONE BED SHEET, THREE HOURS." "WOW." "A LOT HARDER THAN JUST TOSSING" "YOUR CLOTHES IN THE DRIER, HUH?" "BUTITWILLNOT ALWAYSBE" "THIS WAY FOR MY WIFE." "I WORK HARD AND I SAVE MONEY." "AND ONE DAY, GOD WILLING, I" "HIRED CHOCOLATE LADY TO DO THIS" "FOR ME." "[ LAUGHTER ]" "NOPE." "YEAH,WE'RELEAVING." "IWANTTO SAYDON RICKLESWAS" "THE FUNNIEST MAN IN THE WORLD" "AND HE WAS A LOVELY BEAUTIFUL" "GUY AND I WILL MISS HIM FOR THE" "REST OF MY LIFE." "AND I WANT TO THANK ALEC" "BALDWIN." "AND EVERYBODY." "THANK YOU VERY MUCH." "♪♪♪"