"( theme music playing )" "it is possible that you are wondering what i am doing creeping into my own cafe at a quarter past 1:00 in the morning, dressed in a hospital operating gown, which, incidentally, opens up the back," "so you will forgive me if i do not turn round." "the reason for all this is very simple, if a bit unlikely." "i have just trudged five miles from the nouvion general hospital, where i was in the maternity ward." "i was endeavoring to rescue monsieur alphonse, who was recovering from a heart attack, which he suffered whilst being interrogated by the gestapo, about some 975,000 missing francs, which i had just stuffed down lieutenant gruber's trousers." "am i really saying all this?" "maybe it is all a terrible dream?" "no, it is true." "the draft blowing up my backless hospital gown tells me it is true." "rene," "are you open?" "partly." "shut the door, lieutenant, there is a terrible draft." "so i see." "rene, you are wearing the most unusual night attire." "it is for the air raids, lieutenant." "one has to be ready to leap in and out of one's clothes at a moment's notice." "of course." "forgive me for calling so late, but i saw a light and i have good news." "oh?" "the undertaker is no longer in a position to spill the beans to the gestapo regarding the stolen money, which, you may recall, you hid down my trousers." "oh, yes, i remember it well." "yes, i am afraid he has been eliminated." "the colonel placed under him an exploding bedpan." "what a terrible way to go." "in any event, we are all in the clear now." "well, that is good news." "do you fancy a little something to celebrate?" "not in the circumstances, no." "oh comes along now, it will be my treat." "no, lieutenant, no." "i have to put the cat out." "oh, i-- i could put it out with you." "no, your medals might frighten it." "very well." "i-- i too have a little cat, you know." "oh, really?" "what is it?" "a ginger tom." "what else." "good night, rene." "good night, lieutenant gruber." " rene." " ah, yvette." "( growling ) oh, my big pumpkin, i was worried about you." "well you could have worried a bit sooner." "you left me standing outside the hospital." "when we put monsieur alphonse in the ambulance." "we thought you were in there with him." "well, i was not." "i had to walk home." "did nobody offer to pick you up?" "yes, three times." "i had to hide in the woods." "but you are here now." "put both your strong arms around me and take my breath away." "if i put both my strong arms around you, i will take everybody's breath away." "rene!" "what are you doing?" "what are you doing with that girl?" "you stupid woman!" "can you not see that she has been overcome by the anesthetic on my operating gown?" "oh, rene, i'm so sorry." "oh, poor chi-- rene, you take her upstairs, i will follow with the candle." "no, you take her upstairs, i will follow with the candle." "i see." "i see." "very well." "the undertaker is dead." "did he pass away under suspicious circumstances?" "i would hardly call an exploding bedpan an everyday occurrence." "it is bad news." "we have lost our only lead to the whereabouts of the forged gestapo money." "forged money?" "do you mean to tell me that the million francs stolen from you were all forgeries?" "correct." "oh my god." "helga, i see a small pulse ticking in your neck." "why are you so upset about this?" "why am i upset?" "i am upset because you are upset." "i see." "i am upset because the gestapo in berlin are doing their nuts." "you must understand, it costs a lot of money to forge money." "what are you going to do, herr flick?" "i suspect that all the money will be hidden in the undertaker's mortuary." "von smallhausen, you will at once gain entry and conduct a search." "how will i do this without arousing suspicion?" "you will go as a corpse." "but herr flick, i have many twitches that will give me away." "i have the solution." "it is a special gestapo solution." "i will now inject you with it." "for 24 hours you will appear dead as a dodo." "when you awake, you will jump off the slab, and conduct a tomb to tomb search." "roll up your sleeve." "one thing is certain." "if this money is forged, it's no good to us." "it could, in fact, get us into terrible trouble with the gestapo." "we must put it back where it came from." "well, if you remember, it came from rene at the cafe." "it was transported here stuffed down lieutenant gruber's trousers." "in that case, it must go back the same way." "here is my share." "someone else can stuff it down his trousers." "and here is my share." "here is my share." "colonel, if i may say so, i am not the most junior person here." "could not helga take it back in her knickers?" "certainly not." "our wartime knicker elastic is very weak." "we cannot have helga walking through the town dropping notes of high denominations from her underwear." "people would wonder what sort of army we're running." "it's clearly a man's job." "you are right, helga." "if i may say so, colonel, nobody would suspect that a man with feathers in his hat would have anything of great value down his trousers." "how you like a smack in the face, eh?" "the lieutenant means you're beyond suspicion, being an italian war hero, and with all those war medals." "you are right." "i a big war hero." "i have the big medals." "i have the big nerve." "and you have the big trousers." "no, colonel!" "please no!" "not my trousers, no." "lieutenant gruber!" "oh!" "tell rene it's hot money." "it also very tickly money." "helga." "tell him he must take it, and get it back to the gestapo, or else he will be shot." "( rustling )" "colonel, to walk down the street like this, need even bigger hero than me." "you're right." "you must wait till it's dark." "very dark." "helga, you must keep him under close observation." "as soon as he departs for the cafe, inform me." "i will snitch on him to the gestapo and they will arrest him." "and in one stroke, we will have got rid of the money, and got rid of this irritating wop." "( knocking )" "i am sorry, we are not yet open." "come back in half an hour." "good moaning." "i am very sorry, officer crabtree, but we are closed." "in that cass i am licky to have caught you." "it was not licky for me." "i have a massage for you." "michelle is in the town squeer." "she has a new escoop apparootis for the british earmin." "well go and tell her to stay in the squeer." "when i give her the secret sognal, she will appear like a phantom out of the newt." "( whistle blows ) i am here." "i slipped up the back passage." "gather round quickly." "yvette, mimi." "there is very little time, so listen very carefully, i shall say this only once." "the germans are about to put into action a new and terrible secret weapon." "what is this secret weapon?" "a very big bomb." "what will they think of next?" "it is a new type of land mine." "it is a development of the mark v land mine." "it is the mark sox." "we have captured two of them." "in god's name, why?" "they will be brought here, and then i will explain." "oh, no, not in my cafe." "not the mark sox." "it is too late, they are here." "rene:" "oh my god." "do not drop them." "you will blow the whole of nouvion to kingdom come." "the explosive has been removed." "what good is a bomb without explosives?" "it is a plin devosed by british intolligence." "these bumms are hollow, root?" "root." "in them, we will ploce the two british earmin." "the bumms will be loaded on a bummer" "on a dick night, and then they will be dripped over ongland." "excuse me asking, but will this not kill them?" "that is the cleaver bot." "the british earmin will wear parashats." "the lods-- are secured by these, they are steel nuts." "they will each have a spinner." "as they descond, they will unscrew their nuts." "well, it will be one way of passing the time." "they will then remauve the lods and jump out, and immediately open their parashats." "have you told the two airment upstairs of this plan?" "even as we speak, one of my girls has explained it to them." "( pounding )" "about one thing i am not clear-- where are the parachutes?" "they will be camouflaged as pillows, and delivered by one of our agents." "how will i know this agent?" "he will be disguised as a pillow stuffer." "now, look." "mimi, you will see that these bombs are hidden in the cellar." "look at the time." "london will be calling any moment." "we must go quickly to the radio." "you will tell england that the airmen will be arriving on the next air raid." "oh, very well." "come, rene." "no, you go with yvette." "i want no part of this crazy plan." "i am resigning from the resistance." "it is a daring plan." "if it succeeds, the british airmen will once again be on their native soil." "if they do not manage to unscrew their nuts, they will have to dig them out of the english soil." "i say fairfax, i've been thinking about the new escape plan." "so have i." "i'm a bit windy about it." "so am i." "for instance, how are we going to find our nuts in the dark?" "how would it be if we covered them with luminous paint?" "good idea." "i'll suggest it to that resistance girl." "mamma, we need the radio." "monsieur alphonse." "what are you doing in the bed of my mother?" "leave him alone." "he is a man on the run." "poor monsieur alphonse." "are you quite comfortable?" "( heart monitor beeps faster ) ah, yes, but this machine keeps me awake." "it responds to every beat of my heart because i am still attached to it from the chest." "i tried pulling the wire, but nothing happened." "( monitor beeping fast;" "radio buzzer sounds ) i see flashing knobs." "flashing knobs, my god!" "aargh!" "rene, i must speak with you." "when are these girls from the communist resistance gonna leave us?" "i wish to have my room back, so that we can fly away on a magic gossamer cloud of happiness and enchantment, in bed." "oh, dear little mimi, so much passion bottled up in such a small container." "quick, i hear footsteps. here." "rene, we have held a committee meeting and, by a democratic vote of 12 to three, we are moving to abbeville." "good." "a safe house?" "a house with a safe." "the lorry is outside." "goodbye, brave rene." "if i should die, your name will be carved here, on my heart." "well, do not put my address on it, will you?" "follow me, girls." "as soon as it is safe, i will kill her and come back and take what is mine." "why?" "what have you left behind?" "you!" "do not worry, my sweet." "i make you a solemn promise, you will be kidnapped, tied hand and foot, and brought to me within a month." "( honking ) the horn, you must go." "( grunting )" "colonel, i have to report that captain bertorelli has left his room on his way to rene's cafe." "good. gruber, get me the gestapo on the blower." "i will tip off herr flick and he will arrest bertorelli." "it is ringing, colonel." "hello." "herr flick:" "this is a recorded gestapo message." "i am not taking calls at the moment but you may leave a message on the revolving wax disc." "please speak after the gunshot." "( gun fires )" "( bad french accent ) i am an anonymous french peasant." "ze missing money is in ze trousers of ze man with a feathers in his 'at." "you will find him at ze cafe rene." "i would tell you more only my money's running out." "pip, pip, pip, pip, pip, pip, well done, colonel." "a brilliant impersonation." "but if he does not receive the message quickly, rene will receive the money and... he will be arrested." "so what?" "he's only a frenchman." "he knows too much." "maybe you're right." "we'll go to the cafe at once." "( singing off-key ) ♪ falling in love with love, ♪" "♪ is falling for make believe ♪" "♪ falling in love with love ♪" "♪ is playing the fool... ♪ oh, rene, there are tears in your eyes." "do the words make you cry?" "no, yvette." "it is the way she sings them." "why do we not go into the back room while nobody is looking?" "how can i?" "what excuse do i have?" "i will provide you with one." "♪ one night when the moon was yours... ♪ rene, you are wanted in the back room." "i am coming." "♪ with eyes unable to see... ♪ oh, rene." "rene, why do we not take the silver candlesticks, climb out the window, sell them, but a ticket to paris, find a small cheap hotel in the less fashionable part of the left bank?" "i can bring customers to my room." "you can hide in the wardrobe." "and soon we will have enough money to move somewhere better." "oh, yvette, you dear, romantic, practical child." "those silver candlesticks are only electroplated." "oh, rene." "ah, yes, i know how you feel, my love." "i got a shock when i took them to the pawnbrokers." "♪ i fell in love with love ♪" "♪ with love, everlasting ♪" "♪ but love fell out ♪" "♪ with me-eee. ♪" "ah, captain, you have just missed my cabaret." "don't worry, i hear you across the square." "dear lady, i need the private word inside your earhole." "come and sit down, dear captain." "mimi, the best wine for the captain." "come closer, i no want anybody hear what i say." "whisper to me softly, captain, what is it you want?" "i have for you a lot of something which once rene had." "but no longer he got." "i think i know what you are trying to say, captain, but i think it is a private matter between my husband and myself." "i no think you understand me straight." "i understand you perfectly, captain." "it is just that my courage is failing me at the last moment." "i come to the point." "i want to take you upstairs, take down my trousers, and give you 1,000,000 francs." "what is the matter?" "what has happened?" "i wish to give back to you the money you stole from the gestapo." "shhh, i do not want it." "you no take, the colonel, he have you shot." "mimi, take the captain into the kitchen." "put the money in the oven." "edith, edith, edith." "rene, rene." "we must tell the girls to put up their prices." "we are undercharging." "bertorelli's not here." "we may be just in time." "grab rene and warn him." " rene, - yes, lieutenant?" "i must speak with you privately." "lieutenant, i have a cafe full of people." " will it not wait?" " no, it will not." "captain bertorelli will be here any minute." "he has something for you, in his trousers." "on no account let him give it to you." "i'm not quite sure that i follow you, lieutenant." "it is the stolen gestapo money." "why would he want to give it to me?" "the notes are forgeries." "he is obeying the colonel's instructions." "we planted it on bertorelli." "we then informed the gestapo that the money could be found on the person of the man with a feathered hat." "but why do you want bertorelli arrested?" "because he is an interfering wop." "i see. well, the interfering wop is in the kitchen with mimi putting the money into the oven." "come, gruber." "we must stuff it back in his trousers, so that he can be arrested according to plan." "stuff your pillows, stuff your pillows." "oh my god!" "will you buy some feathers from a poor old pillow stuffer." "shut up!" "come here." "psst!" "it is i, leclerc." "i am disguised as a poor old pillow stuffer." "indistinguishable from the genuine article, as usual." "i have the parachutes." "they are in the pillows." "shh!" "i will take these two sample pillows from you, pillow stuffer." "goodbye." " and i will-- - goodbye, thank you." "goodbye." "pillows!" "stop!" "a man with feathers in his hat." "you will come with me." "no, no, no." "i am just a humble old pillow stuffer." "i have information that you have in your trousers, something of interest to the gestapo." "( stuttering ) please, it is i, leclerc." "rene, tell them who i am." "i have never seen you before in my life." "you see, he's-- what?" "!" "in that case, here, get stuffed!" "quick!" "arrest that pillow stuffer." "( theme music playing )"