"# Hey, Mr Dream Seller Where have you been?" "# Tell me, have you dreams I can see?" "# I came along just to bring you this song" "# Can you spare one dream for me?" "#" "This programme contains some strong language." "Come on, come on!" "Pick up the pace, grandma!" "I'll never understand why anyone runs." "Unless you were being chased." "If I was being chased, I'd run." "Unless it was a hippo." "They can outrun a man, you know?" "If a hippo was chasing me, I'd accept my fate." "You ever thought maybe I just enjoy running?" "Oh, I get it." "This is because you're turning 40 today." "Feeling your age?" "I am now." "Oh, but you've got nothing to worry about." "I've seen the way Leo looks at you." "Like Jackie when she sees a sausage roll!" "And I want to make sure he's got that look in five years' time." "No, you don't!" "Nosey." "Mum, I know it's the cake for my surprise party." "What surprise party?" "So it is my cake?" "It's not a cake." "Well, it is a cake." "But it's not your cake." "OK, I'll play along." "I love to watch you tell a lie." "I have never told a lie in my life." "Well, who's the cake for then?" "An Arab sheikh." "OK." "And what's the name of this Arab sheikh?" "Fred." "You don't have to pack everything." "It's only a party." "Oh, but I do, Tony, and here's why " "I love my things." "They mean the world to us." "That box over there - my Victorian serving dishes." "This one, the glasses we got off me mother for a wedding present." " But Pam..." " I haven't finished, Tony." "I paused only for breath." "I've gone 26 years without our two breaking them." "I'm not about to hand over to a bunch of strangers to do it for them." "If you're that worried, why did you say they could have the party here?" "Because I got ambushed man at work by Tweedledee and Tweedledum!" "Mam, that's Judy and her sister you're talking about." "Plus aren't Tweedledee and Tweedledum blokes?" " DOOR CLOSES" " Hey!" "I'm home!" "She's back early." "Bloody hell!" "Oh, Jackie, you look brilliant!" "You certainly look...different." "So, birthday girl, looking forward to your party?" "What party?" "!" "Oh, I'm so glad you're home." "But I've got to run." "I'm popping over to... ..the zoo." "SHE LAUGHS" "It's not one of her best." "THEY LAUGH" " Hiya." " Hiya." "Are you sure it's safe to be eating so soon after your surgery?" "Oh, as long as it's teeny-tiny bites..." "Right, why don't we all party-proof the house together?" "It'll be much quicker if we do it as a team." "I can't." "I still haven't got Judy's present." "I want to get her something that says how special she is, but I don't know what that is." "Which is why you'll need my help. (Please don't leave me.)" "Good." "Go on." "Desert us." " OK, bye." " See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!" "Do you remember that?" "Who said you could stop packing?" "Mam, visitor." "Hiya!" "Hiya, Peggy." "Pam, you're a star for doing this!" "Glad to help." "Wait till you see the cake!" "DISHES SHATTER" "Was that valuable?" "Erm..." "Nothing that can't be replaced." "What am I like?" "DISHES CRASH" "So what was the food like in Hungary?" "Wouldn't know." "I couldn't eat any of it." "And what was the doctor's name?" "Oh, how does Mum make it look so easy?" "You didn't go!" "All right, I didn't go to Hungary." "I didn't get a gastric balloon." "So what have you been doing the past two days?" "Well, I went to the airport and had a few drinks at the bar, and then they wouldn't let me on the plane." "I don't know why." "Truly baffling." "I didn't fancy ringing you and getting a lecture." "So I went back to the bar." "You've spent the past two days in an airport bar?" "No!" "I had a few more drinks, and that's when I met Alan." "And then we kind of sort of ended up in the hotel next door." "In a bedroom." "Tell me more." "Well, when I woke up this morning, he'd gone." "But here's the strange thing" " I feel great!" "Alan liked me just the way I am." "So who needs a gastric balloon?" "Oh, Jackie..." "Isn't that better?" "You put the table in front of the window and people have room to dance." "Peggy, we're not having dancing." "People start dancing, then they're spilling food and drink on my laminate." "No dancing?" "But people love a good old knees-up..." "Put the table back, Tony." "You could try putting the table in front of the unit." "Or just put it back where it was." "Or why don't I just leave it here and we have a rule that no-one has food on the dance floor?" "What a good idea." "Yes." "What a good idea(!" ") I'll thank you for it later." "Happy?" "It's perfect." "Now we can bring in all the party stuff." "What stuff?" "I thought we'd done." "We haven't even started yet." "I've got a van full out there." "Whoa, what happened to having a small do?" "Not for my little pancake." "We are going to have the party of the century!" "Now, I think we should put the chocolate fountain on there and the dessert table in that corner." "Just buy the cheapest thing so we can go for a pint." "No, man!" "This is important." "It needs to be something really special." "Hello, gentlemen." "Are you looking for anything in particular?" "Hi, yes, I'm looking for a present for my girlfriend." "It's her 40th birthday." "The big four-oh." "Or does Judy prefer 39 plus 1?" "I'm looking for something that says," ""I love you more than anything else in the whole world."" "Lovely." "What's the budget?" "£30." "HE LAUGHS" " I'll see what we've got." " OK." "Look, let's forget this place." "Let's go to Pound Kingdom." "You could get Judy 30 different gifts." "I'm talking hair clips, cheap foreign chocolate, a washing frame, 100 disposable hair nets, nougat, Marigolds, a cuddly toy, a wrench set, an out of date calendar..." "Oh, it's perfect!" "Oh, thank you!" "This is going to be the best birthday party ever." "All of us together, like one big family!" "Aww." "One big family." "Right, well, I'll see you tonight." "And whatever you do, don't tell Judy!" "Aww, I could cry." "Aw..." "So could I." "One big family?" "Can you imagine if she actually was family." "She reminds me of your mother." "Take that back!" "I take it back." "My mam was a saint." "Patron saint of gin for breakfast." " Who put that there?" "!" " What is it?" "My diary." ""Dear diary, my son's girlfriend is 40." ""I didn't think I'd ever get over that." "But I did." ""And then I discovered her mother giving my husband an intimate" " "foot massage..."" " It was reiki." " Whatever!" ""Now, listen to the latest" " I have just seen my house" ""transformed in front of my very eyes." ""'How does it look,' I hear you ask?" ""Well, it looks like the very worst episode ever of Changing Rooms." ""But as a wife and a mother, I must smile and endure." ""Yes, it is my job to smile and endure."" " Do you want to cuppa?" " Yes." "A cup of vodka." "Look, just give them to Judy in the dark." "She won't even know they're from The Pat Butcher Collection." "Why did I buy these?" "It's the thought that counts." "I wanted something that said how much she means to us." "All this says, I can barely scrape together 30 quid." "Does she even have pierced ears?" "HE GASPS" " Right, that's it, I'm taking them back!" " Too late." "Smile." " Why?" " Smile." "Quick!" "Hide the presents." "HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY" " Happy birthday!" " Come on, then, what did you get me?" "Nothing, nothing." "It's a surprise." "What you drinking?" " Large glass of house white, please." " Coming up." "Come on, then, did he get me something nice?" "Hm, that depends." "Do you like EastEnders?" "You don't need to see his identification..." " ROBOTIC VOICE:" " We don't need to see his identification." " All right, Jake." " That's a very good Obi-Wan." "Sorry about him bothering you." "Don't be daft." "It's great to see him again." "You too." "I should get your number." "You know, for any more kids parties and that..." "It's CathGlamMum on Viber." "Viber?" "What is it?" "2014?" "I know, I know." "Sometimes I even send texts." "Do you know, I remember when a telephone was still a telephone, made of Bakelite and screwed to the wall." "Cath, Jake, this is my brother, Leo." "And this is Judy." "His girlfriend." "Hiya." "Right, I best be off." "Oh, well, er, what a coincidence cos I was just leaving too." "So..." "What are you doing tonight?" "Eating ice cream and watching Teen Mom." "Do you have ice cream in the tub or do you put it in a bowl?" "Out of the tub." "Snap!" "Here's a thought..." "Come to Judy's birthday party." "(Use the force.)" "You will come with me to Judy's birthday party." " SHE LAUGHS" " OK." "The kids are with their dad, so, yeah, I'd love to." "Great." "That's how a Jedi rolls." "I hope you've not spent too much on presents." "No, not...too much." "I just hope you like it." "Whatever it is, I'll love it." "I promise." "I know it'll be something fun, and unexpected and romantic." "Just like you." "Are you OK?" "Leo?" "Marry me." "What?" "Judy Arkley, you are the most amazing, beautiful, special woman I've ever known." "And I want to spend the rest of my life with you." "Judy..." "Will you marry me?" "SHE LAUGHS" "No!" "You are joking, aren't you?" "Leo?" "Nearly got you!" "You had me scared for a minute." "Just a joke." "No." "Look away." "That was a joke, right?" "Yes, of course it was. "Will you marry me?"" "I mean, how stupid would that be?" "Right, I'm nipping home to get ready for tonight." "And you..." "Mwah. ..will get your present at the party." "Bye." "Mam, can we keep the tombstone?" "No, we can't keep the tombstone." "But I like it." "Gives the place a discount ghost house vibe." "It makes me want to do this..." "HE HUMS THEME SONG TO THE ADDAMS FAMILY" "# Dud dud duh dud duh duh" " # Dud dud duh duh... #" " Hey, here he is!" " Hiya." " Hiya." "Well, what do you think of my living room?" "I like to call it, Pam's Tacky Tribute to Bad Taste." "And Willy Wonka!" " What's wrong?" " Nothing." "Leo, this is me you're talking to." "What's happened?" "I asked Judy to marry us and she said no." "You what?" "I asked Judy to marry us." " You're kidding me?" " No." "I thought you liked Judy." "Leo, there's a big difference between liking somebody and thinking that they're good enough to marry my son!" "Well, don't worry - she said no." "Well, that's all right, then." "Apart from the fact that she's 40, neither of you have your own place, you haven't even got a job..." " And she's a transsexual." " And her job's not..." "She's a what?" "A transsexual." "It's someone who was born male and transitioned to become a woman." "But it's also someone who's transitioned from a lass to a..." "Hang on, hang on a second." "You were about to marry a man in a dress?" " Pam..." " A 40-year-old man in a dress!" "Mam, look, that's not cool." "And you all knew!" "Right." "What else did you think I didn't need to know?" "Let me guess." "She's a drug mule?" "Oh, my God." "She's already married to a woman." "Or a man." "Or both." "Or she's a secret porn star called Barry." "And you wonder why no-one told you?" "Well, thank God she said no!" "What's that look for?" "Sometimes, Pam, it's good to think before you speak." "Good point, Tony." "I'll do that from now on." "And now here is the News from Pam Macdonald." "Judy is a fucking bloke!" "So then he gets down on one knee and he asks me to marry him!" "He asked you to marry him?" "Yes!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "You're getting married!" "Oh, I can't believe it." "Feel my heart, it's racing..." "Mum..." "And Jonathan Cainer said that today was going to be a bad day." "Well, it just goes to show, even he can be wrong." "Mum, I said no." "Why?" "Because he was joking, it was a joke." "I don't get it." "So, he doesn't want to marry you?" "No." "At least I don't think so." "But he did ask you..." "So..." "You were really going to marry her?" "I didn't plan it." "Once I started, it just all came out." "Yep, yeah, I get it." "Like the runs." "But, bro, if you get married, you can never have another one-night stand." "I've never had a one-night stand." "And you'd be happy to stop staring at the fitties?" "Cos if you get married, you can't stare at the fitties." "I don't want to stare at anyone except her." "I don't want to sleep with anyone except her." "I just want Judy." "No fitties...." "No one-night stands?" "Dude, it must be love." "HE GAGS" "How could you not tell me that she was a..." "Transsexual." "It takes a while to get your head round all the terminology." "I don't want to get my head round the terminology, Tony." "My son's girlfriend was born with a willy." "With a man's willy!" "I like Judy." "She's not mean or nasty, which is more than can be said for a lot of people." "And more importantly, she loves him." "But he's my son." "I know it's not what we would have chosen for him." "But he's happy." "Isn't that the main thing?" "DOORBELL" "Mum, can you get that?" "DOORBELL" "Mum?" "We need to talk." "FIRE ALARM BEEPS MUSIC PLAYS" "A cupcake?" "Chargrilled?" " Chargrilled chicken cupcake?" " What?" " SHOUTS:" " Chargrilled..." " BEEPING STOPS" "Oh, that's much better." "A word to the wise, Tony." "You might want to give your grill a really good clean." "I'll make sure to see to that tomorrow." " Have you heard from Pam?" " Not a peep." "She said she wouldn't be long." "Bored." "Judy's not answering her phone." "Bro, chill, she'll be coming." "It's her party." "Without Judy it's just a bunch of randoms huddled round a chocolate fountain." "Yeah, you're right." " DOORBELL" " Do you think..." " Bye." " Hi." " Hi." "You came!" " Wow." "Nice tombstone." " I know." "Chargrilled chicken cupcake?" "Thanks." "I just saved your life." "Where the hell's Pam?" "Live and let live, that's what I've always said." "Doesn't matter to me if you're black, if you're gay..." "A lesbian in a wheelchair." "Exactly." "But this is different." "Leo is my son." "And you're..." "Judy." "I'm still Judy." "And what about children?" "Can you even do that?" "Well, no..." "I knew it!" "No grandkids for me." "What about James?" "Look, there are options." "Maybe one day." "But right now, we're happy." "I love Leo and he loves me." "So as long as you two are fine then everything's hunky-dory, is it?" "What do you want me to do, Pam?" "Do you want me to walk away?" "It would break both our hearts." "If you hurt my Leo, if you hurt him in any way, you will have me to answer to." "I promise." "I've hit a woman before, oh, yes." "And don't think I wouldn't lay one on a... ..a transsexual." "So does this mean you're OK with us?" "I can learn to live with it." "For Leo's sake." "And don't be late for your surprise party." "What surprise party?" "DANCE MUSIC PLAYS" "THEY APPLAUD AND CHEER" "MUSIC:" "Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran" "Are your lips magnetic?" "Why?" "Never mind." "Nothing to do with you being drawn to them?" "Yeah." "Exactly that." "She's coming!" "Way to ruin a moment, Peggy!" "Sh!" "Shut up!" "Sh!" " ALL:" " Surprise!" "It's me, Mam." "Shit..." "You're not Judy." "I spoke to Judy." "Don't you mean the bloke in a dress?" "I told her I loved you and I wanted you to be happy." "And I do." "I am happy." "Then I'm..." "Go on, you can say it." "..happy." "I'm sorry about what I said before." "I shouldn't have said that stuff." " Mam." " Yeah?" "I've never loved you more than I do right now." "Who's that our Jimmy's dancing with?" "Cath." "You'll like her." "She's got two kids." " You what?" "!" " Love you!" "Where you been?" "Trying to get me head round our sons' love lives." "Come here." "Hi." "It's all going on in there." "That's why I'm out here." "Happy birthday." "Your mum came to see me." "Whatever she said, I'm sorry." "She's just worried about you." "Because I love you?" "Because she's your mum." "When I asked you to marry me..." "I lied." "It wasn't a joke." "I meant it." "I know." " JACKIE:" " 'Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be...'" "Dusty Springfield!" "# I don't know what it is that makes me love you so" " # I only know... #" " I've always loved this song." "Until now." "I've got another confession." "You were born without a penis?" "Ha-ha-ha." "No." "I haven't got you a present yet." "You know what I'd really like for my birthday?" "To run away." "Really?" "Yeah, just for the weekend." "The party sounds like it's doing fine without us." "Where are we running away to?" "I don't know." "As long as you're there, I'm happy." "Let's do this!" "Wait." "Come here." "CAMERA CLICKS What's that for?" "# ..each moment of each day with you" " # Oh, look what has happened" " PHONE BEEPS" "# Just one kiss" "# I never knew that I could be in love like this... #" "What is it?" "# It's crazy but it's true I only want to be with you" "# You stopped and smiled at me... #" "Ready?" "I am if you are." "# As long as we're together, honey, I don't care" "# Cos you started something Oh, can't you see" "# Ever since we met you've had a hold on me" "# No matter what you do" "# I only want to be with you" "# I said no matter No matter what you do" "# I only want to be with you. #"