"You know, I found my soul mate." "Not only do I think I'm in love with her," " but I think I've found the right one." " Really?" "Yeah, Deborah." "It's only a couple of months, it could go south, but I don't think it will, because she's..." "Why would it?" "Well, why has it for my whole life?" "But she, I think..." "This is the one." "Is this the one?" " No, no, that's not a good one." " No, I meant Deborah." " Yeah, it's more like I love her soul." " Mm-mmm." " Do you know what I...?" " Her soul." "It's not just like it used to be for me, you know, like a "trophy."" " It's not all about looks anymore?" " She's attractive." " No, she is attractive." " But you don't care about that." "I think one of the things is, the only downside..." "What do you think of this color?" "I don't like..." "it's too flashy." "She's a Christian Scientist and..." "She's a what?" "She's a Christian Scientist?" "She's a Christian Scientist, and I, it's..." "Oh, dear." " Did you just say, "Oh, dear"?" " Yeah." "I don't think you've ever said that in your entire life." "No one's ever told me they were dating a Christian Scientist." " I've been saving it." " If anything called for an "Oh, dear"..." "Holy cow, a Christian Scientist." "It's a nightmare for me, because," "I'm under the weather about 99% of my life, and she doesn't..." "She won't bring you the medicine?" " This is out of their..." " I know they can't take it, but can they touch it and give it to somebody else?" "She doesn't have a medicine chest in her place." "Wait, one second." " Do you want more time?" " No, no, it's fine." "What... you know, I want to get one of these," "I don't have good luck with them." " That's the one I have." " You like this one?" " I bought that... not here." " You've got the same one?" " Yeah, I love it." " It's a good phone," " it's an XR-71." " It's a great one." "But it does go out on occasion, like in a tunnel or something." "You can't hear a radio when you go in a tunnel." " Yes, you can, FM." "You're an idiot." " I never listen to FM." " What do you listen to?" " I listen to talk." "You have a lot of program, a lot of rings in that." "Okay, I'm gonna take this." "Listen, I meant to ask you this," "I have to hand in this special, and you know how I like you to watch it." "It's not locked in yet." "Now is the time to tell me if you think something's... can you watch it?" "I'd love to, sure." "Why don't you come over with Deborah on Friday?" "We can have dinner and watch the special." "That would be fantastic." "That would be phenomenal." " Is that good?" " I'd be in heaven." "I mean, you know, she'd be thrilled." "Bravo." " First call." " I know." " First call." " Very impressive." "Hey, it's working!" "Yeah, I'm right outside Cellular Depot." "I just got it." "You're my first call." "What are we doing on Friday night?" "Okay, good, because Richard's gonna come over with his new girlfriend Deborah and we'll watch his special." "Wait, how about this?" "Why don't you call Ted Danson and get the number of Randy, the chef from our restaurant?" "He could cater the whole thing." "Great idea." "And you work out whatever the money is." "She's allergic to peanuts, no peanuts." "She's allergic to peanuts, so no peanuts." "Okay." "Ask her if Jeff could come, he hasn't seen the thing." "Oh, and can Jeff come, because he hasn't seen it." "Yeah." "That's right, my friends for a change." "Well, Deborah, I heard that you guys are going to the Emmys." " Yes." " Is that right?" " So excited." " Are you excited?" "Have you ever been?" " Oh, yeah." "It's really exciting." " It is exciting." " I got a dress made." " You had it made?" "Gorgeous." "Armando on Beverly, fits like a glove." "Wow." "We're gonna be watching it..." "the East Coast feed." "I'm having some friends over," "Maybe we'll see you guys walk down the red carpet." "She's got a whole party planned to watch it." " Do you have ketchup?" " Huh?" "What?" "Ketchup?" " Yeah." " Why?" "I can't eat this steak without some ketchup." "You can't ask..." "Randy!" "Can I have some ketchup please?" "You don't ask a chef for ketchup." " He's right, Larry's right." " Why is it insulting?" "It's ketchup." "This is good food." "It's like a truck-stop thing." " Ketchup?" " Thank you very much." " The food is great." " Is it?" "Is it good?" " Really wonderful, thank you." " Delicious." " Really good stuff." " It's good." "Thank you." "What did you ask for ketchup for?" "What are you crazy?" "What?" "!" "You know what?" "I am never having you guys over for dinner again." "Why?" "What did I do wrong?" "It's exhausting, it's just exhausting." "So, where's this HBO special?" "LD, here it is." "Listen, how long was the tour before... like four months?" "This is only just one show." " Oh, come on." " It's great, don't even..." "I just..." "I can't wait to see it, Richard." "I love you for having me." "To have you guys here like this is great." "These are the best brownies I have ever had." "Susie made them, my wife." "I dropped my daughter off this afternoon, brought us some brownies." "That's a good sound system you have." "What's happening, Larry?" "Shit." "Why do you have so many remotes?" "Yeah, I wish I had the answer to that." "We have this guy, Mike, that comes in and I don't even know how to work the TV anymore, honestly." " It has to be on channel 3." " It's on channel 3." "Every week we have this guy come over and try to fix it." "You know what, Larry?" "The Emmys are this Sunday and I am not gonna miss them." "We missed half the Knick game last year because of this shit." "This is ridiculous." "You're gonna have to fire Mike." " I'm not gonna fire him." " Why not?" "I don't know, he's black, I don't want to fire him." "You don't want to fire a black guy?" " No, I don't want to fire him." " That's crazy!" " It's ridiculous!" " Who cares what he is?" " If he sucks, he sucks." " Well, he could come in and fix it..." "Every week he comes in, he never fixes it." "We can't even watch his special." "That's ridiculous!" "Fire your guy." "I got a good guy." " Will you fix this?" " I don't know how to." "I tried every remote, and none of them work." "Look!" "So fucking idiotic... you should have one goddamn remote and..." "We should have one remote!" "You need to call him, Larry." "Are you gonna call him?" "Well, maybe we should play Scrabble." " Nothing we can do." " That's a bad joke, right?" "Yeah, it is a joke, I mean, I don't..." "Scrabble?" "It's a joke, but what are we supposed to do?" "You want to sit Shiva?" "Why don't we play Twister, would you be happy?" "If this was your show, then you would make every fucking plan..." "Let's go upstairs and all get under the covers and sob." "Why don't we go to my house and watch it?" "What's wrong with that?" " I'll go to your house." " Thank you." "The whole reason for the night was to watch your thing." "All right, fine, we'll go to your house." "I'll pack these brownies up." "We'll take it..." "I don't feel well." "I really don't feel well, I don't think I can go." "What do you mean?" "You don't feel well?" "I'd like to go home, I think." "You feel perfectly..." "you're almost cold like a corpse." "Do you want an aspirin?" "No, I can't take an aspirin, but, thank you." "What's the matter?" "Um, I don't... any peanuts in the brownies?" "No, no way." "I don't like peanuts." "My wife never uses them." "I wouldn't allow that to happen." "I ate so many of those." "There was no peanuts or peanut oil or anything in the dinner." "You told Randy not..." "That she's allergic, right?" "What?" " I told you on the phone." " You didn't tell me on the phone." "I told you when I spoke to you on the phone that..." "No, you didn't." " What, are you kidding?" " What are you talking about?" "He did, I was standing right next to him when he called you." "I didn't hear it, you never said it or I didn't hear it." "I'll bet the cell phone." "I bet there was interference on the cell." "They have drop-outs all the time." "Jesus Christ, I knew you fucked it up." "I fucked it up?" "!" "What kind of stupid thing is that to say?" " I "fucked it up."" " You fucked it up!" "You don't know how to use a goddamn cell phone!" " It was a shit cell phone!" " Okay, Deborah is sick!" "A praying mantis can use that goddamn phone!" "I'd really like to go home." "All I can do really is wait it out." "I am so sorry." "You should..." "Why don't we just go home and, can't you just, take a nap, and we can all watch it at my house?" "You could take a nap." "Or why don't..." "I'd like you to take me home." "She needs to go home, Richard." " You know, this is really..." " Thank you." "I am so sorry, Deborah." "I never got that..." "I feel very awkward about it." "What a shame." "We can't even get to watch the special." "I get home and I'll be fine." "You want to just drive home?" "I don't feel comfortable driving myself." "She needs you to take her home." "You know?" "I mean..." " Now." " All right, we're going." "You're such a fucking idiot, how can you do this?" " She's not looking well..." " Cell phone, you fucked up." "Well, we'll watch it, don't worry." " That's horrible." " Scrabble?" " I'd love to play Scrabble." " I said it and kind of got in the mood." " Let's get it." " Really?" "You want to play?" " I'm all over it." "Let's go." " Absolutely." "Okay." "You don't need to play, it's better with two." "Do you have any milk?" "I'm sorry, but I got five remotes, nothing's working." "Just be honest, man." "'Cause I'm black, right?" "Right?" "Why?" "That couldn't be crazier." "Crazy." "Why did I hire you?" "That was over the phone, You didn't know I was black at the time." "All right, that's true, but I kept you around." "But you're getting rid of me, right?" "I fire white people, I've fired white people." "I have fired plenty of white people." "I've been doing this 15 years, all right?" "Okay, okay." "You know what?" "It's not even me." "Can I be...?" "Okay." "You want... can we be honest here?" "Okay, let's be honest, okay?" "It's my wife." "She wants..." " Oh, dude." " No, seriously." "Please don't go there, man." "No, be man enough." "Look, be man enough." "If you gonna be a racist, be a man, man." "I was a man." "What good did it do me?" "Don't blame it on your wife." "Thank you." "You're blaming it on your race." "What's worse?" "I'd rather blame it on my wife than blame it on my race." "Right, whatever." "Come on, don't take it..." "don't be like that." " I got this." " I got the tip." " That's okay, I got the tip." " I got the tip, man." "Okay, don't be mad." "Come on, don't..." "come on, Mike." "I wish you wouldn't be mad about it." "I'm gonna recommend you to a lot of people." " Whatever." " I will, I'll recommend you." "Hey, Wanda." " Oh, hello." " Hello." "Are you here for the prayer group?" " No, I'm not." " Oh." "I'm actually here to see Deborah." "Oh, unfortunately she's a little under the weather." "I know." "She actually ate the peanuts in my house." "Oh, I know about you." "Hello, I'm Deborah's mother." " Oh, hi, I'm Larry." " I know." "I feel terrible about this." "Oh, no, no, don't." "We're all responsible for our own lives." "I think there's some truth to that, isn't there?" "Come." "Right this way." "This is our prayer group." "You're welcome to join us afterwards." "Oh, okay." "Let's see how I'm doing on time." "Okay." "And Deborah's right in there." "I'll be fine to go to the Emmys." "Come on, look at you." "How can we have a ball?" " Your lips are like balloons." " Hi, Larry." "She thinks she can go tomorrow night." "You believe this shit?" "Oh, my gosh." "Will you tell him it's not that bad, is it?" "Can you see out of that eye?" "I can see, of course I can see." "Honey, they're bulging almost." "For crying out loud, hon'." "I'm so sorry about the peanuts and the whole thing there." "You know, I had this new cell phone, and it just... it didn't." "Yeah, no, really." "I think it was more peanuts than the cell." "He recommended this phone to me." "That's beside the point." "Look at her..." "she thinks she can go to the awards." "Tell him I'll be fine by tomorrow night." "He's a sensible man, on occasion." "I'll be fine." "Sweetie, I'll be fine." "Honey, you don't..." "you don't have to go." " He's right." " I have to go." "You know what you should think about?" "You should take Benadryl." "You'd knock that out in five minutes." "The thing would be gone." "You wouldn't even think about it." "I can't believe I didn't think of that." "That was one..." " I don't take medication." " Pop it in." " "Pop it in"?" " Who's gonna know?" "Pop it in?" "That's a betrayal of my faith." "Jesus would be very happy for you to look better than you do now." "No one's watching." "Pop, take a pop." "Listen, I have spent my entire life in belief and faith." "Well, why not just pray for the TV?" "Why even have somebody come in and fix the television?" "Why not just pray?" "Pray for the TV?" "What is that?" "What?" "Hey, by the way, is that guy any good?" "I don't know." "It's my parents' house." "We got all sorts of problems, you were there..." "with all those remotes, and Cheryl, it's a pain in the neck." "I just had to fire our guy." "I'm looking for somebody." "I'd like one remote that could take care of the whole thing." "I don't know if he's good, Lar." "Maybe you should ask him..." "on your way out." "Do you have one remote, or two?" "How many do you have?" "Oh, Richard...?" "Oh, Larry." "Come." "Just in time." "We're about to begin the prayer circle." "You've gotta be kidding." "Believe me, you don't want me in this." "She'll wind up with tuberculosis." "I really got bad karma, I'm not kidding." " Oh, yes, we do." " I beg to differ." "Grab hands." "Let us join hands." "Oh, no, no." "Not this arrangement." "Let's do boy/girl here." "Join hands." "Join hands." "Put her over here." "No, she needs to be over there with her husband." "And as we continue this healing light, we know, Jesus, that You are with us, and You are always with us, for Thine is the power, and the glory, forever and ever." "No one can touch us, for God is always with us." " Oh, cell phone." "I'm sorry." "I just got this cell phone." "Hello?" "Oh, hey." "Maybe." "Who are they playing?" "I'm gonna be humiliated." "This is a fucking nightmare." "You know why this is a nightmare?" "You, my friend." "Yes, yes, you." "Because of this fucking highfalutin... you gotta go, join a restaurant, have an interest, have them come over and cook peanut sauce..." "Hey." "It had nothing to do with that." "If it wasn't for the peanuts, she wouldn't look like a goddamn fucking Venetian!" "The cell phone that you recommended didn't work!" "That cell is used by every fucking person." " You don't know..." " Did you see my girlfriend?" "You said you didn't give a shit about the way she looks." "Would you show up at an event..." "Would /?" "with a person that looks like she has a macaroni salad about the soul, you love her soul and all that." "Part of that is true, but this is unbelievable." "I have to... what kind of fucking..." "why can't she take a Benadryl?" "These people, what are they doing?" "I don't understand this attitude." "I don't understand it either." "Take a Benadryl." "She'll be better in five minutes." "Can you imagine me getting out of the limo with my date?" "She's pretty hell bent on going too." "She's got the dress, "I got the dress."" " You know, I know, I know." " She's ready." "Yeah, know what would match her head?" "A dress made of turnips and blood, you know?" "Oh, God, she's so hideous." "She should look in the mirror." "Does she even know what she looks like?" " She denies it." "It's a denial thing." " Why don't you take her?" "It'll be fun." "Oh, that's very..." "oh, yeah, Mr. Big Shot." " Why don't you take her?" " What do we do?" "You gotta help me out." "You gotta get a shot and stick it in her ass..." " She's not a racehorse." " You gotta get a shot of Benadryl while she's sleeping, or shove it down her throat." "Like a hit man?" "A Benadryl hit man?" "Put it in the brownie that she ate." "Wait a minute, why not put it in?" " Put it in the brownie?" " That's a fucking brilliant idea." " A brilliant idea?" " Yeah, because..." " yeah, it's a fucking...!" " What, the Benadryl brownie?" "First of all, she will never know." "I've got news for you." "Even if she got better, they would think it was because of the prayer." "That's fantastic." "Well, I mean, you could do it, it wouldn't be hard..." "What, are they gonna throw me in prison?" "All I have to do is get the recipe from Susie," "Cheryl would bake them, put it in, we'd just give her the brownie." " Larry, what are you doing here?" " Hey, you got a dog." "Well we need protection." "It's me and Sammy in the house alone." "He's a good boy." "This is Oscar." "Oscar!" "Oskie-boy!" "Hey, Oskie-boy!" " Don't get him excited, okay?" " Okay." "Yeah." "You just stop by, you don't call?" "No, I tried to call, but my cell phone couldn't get through." " Interference." " That's a piece of crap, that one." " I had that one, I got rid of it." " Really?" "Who's that?" "Isn't that somebody in the car?" " It's Richard Lewis." " Oh, oh..." "So, what?" "What do you want?" "Actually, this may sound a little strange, but we had a dinner party the other night and Jeff brought over some of your brownies..." "Wait a minute." "Jeff brought brownies that I made to a dinner party?" " Yeah, at my house." " Larry, I baked those brownies specifically for Sammy to take to school the next day, and they were gone." "I had no idea what the hell happened." "Jeff stole... he stole his child's brownies, Larry." "You see what we're dealing with here?" "He stole brownies out of the mouth of his baby." "It's a testament to the brownie." "That's what you're not seeing." "Because they're incredible brownies." "If they were mediocre brownies, he wouldn't have taken them." " Well, that's true." " Which leads me to why I'm here." "I would love if you could give me the recipe." " The brownie recipe?" " The brownie recipe." " I can't do that, darling, I can't." " No, no, no, of course you can." "No, I can't, because it's a secret family recipe my grandmother handed down to me, I can't." "Susie, Susie, Susie." "Look who you're talking to here." "I'm talking to Larry David." "Yeah, the guy who never ever tells anybody anyth/ng." "I am known for that." "Strangers come up to me to tell me their deepest secrets." "Well, that's good to know for future reference for other things that I might need to trust you with, but this is a secret." "What does that mean to you?" "Okay, okay, secret, secret, secret." "I'll tell you a secret, how about that?" "Nobody knows, not even Cheryl." "Well, if you'd like to tell me." " I might be losing a testicle." " You're kidding me." "It's not definite." "The point is, I'm telling you," "I'm sharing something with you because I trust you." " The way you can trust me." " I cannot give you the recipe." " No, you can." " No, I can't." "I can't." "My grandmother, okay..." "may she rest in peace... entrusted that brownie recipe to me, and you're asking me to break a sacred confidence." "It's not The Manhattan Project, you know?" "!" "It's just a little... a recipe." "Go get a mix or something!" "You're asking too much." "You ask way too much." "I can't." "Oscar, come." "I just told you I'm gonna lose a ball!" "Okay, so... you want to put some Benadryl in some brownies?" "A lot of Benadryl." "Are you kidding?" "What's the downside?" "Think of it, it's like..." "it's an act of humanity on your part." "I'm begging you." "Aren't you guys supposed to be going to the Emmys tomorrow night?" " Why?" "What?" " Richard...?" "Is that what this is about, Larry?" "Because you don't want to take her to the Emmys because of the way she looks?" "Why should he take her?" "She's hideous." "I don't blame him." "Are you guys out of your mind?" "!" "Why?" "It's not only that." "I want her to get better." "It's 90%." "You don't have to lie to her..." " It's not 90-10." " It's 85-15." " No, no, 75-25." " It's not even that." "Tell her the truth." "You're embarrassed to be seen with her, and I don't blame him." "So what?" "She takes a little Benadryl, you put it in the brownie, big deal." "Why don't you buy some brownies, put it in and leave me out of this?" " We went over this." " You know anything about tampering?" "Huh?" "Do you know anything about tampering?" "You can't do that because the brownie will fall apart." "It's gotta be in the mix when you make the brownie." "Maybe you guys should take care of this yourself..." " How can we...?" " I can't bake." " Leave me out of this." " I don't know how to bake." "What do you mean?" "They have to be baked." "They have to be baked." "Don't you think she's gonna taste Benadryl in the brownies?" "It's totally tasteless." "There's no taste to this stuff." "There's no taste to it." "I spoke to the pharmacist." "Oh, you asked him if you put this in brownies, will someone be able to taste it?" "There's no taste to it at all." "They're odorless and tasteless." "My heart is breaking for her big head." "It's grotesque." "It's like she should be in a carnival on Coney Island," "I'm telling you." "This is the dumbest idea I have heard in a long time." "You know what?" "It's a good idea, 'cause if it works, she thinks the prayer did it." "That's what's so smart about it." "Now the idea is a genius idea." "It's not like, "How did I get better all of a sudden?"" " It was their religion." " Yeah, it was their religion." " Prayer worked." " Yeah." "And you know what?" "It happened in our house." " Okay." " Okay." "All right, I think we should... you know." "All right, I just want to talk to her for a second." "All right." "Cheryl?" "All right, thanks for doing this." "I guess this is stupid." " Do you not think this is stupid?" " It's not such a big deal." "Let's not make a big deal about it, okay?" "It's not really a big deal." " It's another day in paradise for me." " Don't do it, if that's how you feel." "No, I'll do it, I'll do it, just go." "Can you bake this stuff?" "I don't even know, can you bake?" "Can you?" "I've never seen you bake anything, I'm sorry." "Please?" "Got some brownies for Deborah." "My wife baked them." "I'll take them to her." "Hey, you know what?" "We'd like to, bring her..." "If it's all the same to you." "I would really like to see the look on her face when I give these to her." "It would mean a lot to me." " Me, too." " Just for one minute." "Sure." "Absolutely." "Thank you very much." " Hi, honey." " Hi." "You look... you know." " Yeah?" " I love you." " Hi, Larry." " Look at what "Uncle Larry" brought." " What is that?" " A little treat." " Surprise." " Brownies...!" "Brownies." "No peanuts." " Thank the Lord." "The ones from the other night?" "Oh..." "My wife got the recipe." "Cheryl got the recipe?" "Oh..." " Take it." " Oh, jeez." "Go ahead, take a little taste." "Oh, thank you so much." " Go ahead." "Take a bite." " Mmm, huh?" "Huh, what do you think?" "You like that?" " Hmm..." " Like a little girl again, huh?" "You know, they're not quite the same." " No, they're the same." " Um-umm." " Yeah, yeah." " Um-umm." " Yeah, yeah." " Honey, just try another one." "Tell Cheryl I said thank you for making the effort, but those are really not the same." "What are you talking about?" "They're delicious, eat it." "It's good." "It's good, take it." "These are definitely not the same brownies." "Not the same brownies?" "It's the same brownie!" "They're definitely not the same." "Believe me, they're the same brownie." "My wife baked them." " I know what she baked." " These really suck." "I can't believe that she doesn't know the difference between sugar and salt." " How dare you insult my wife's baking!" " There's something different..." " All right." " Fine, fine, you know what?" "Fine." "Save them for later, save it." "What do you want me to say, Larry?" "They're horrible!" "What time are you picking me up tomorrow night for the Emmys?" "I feel like nothing's happening, wait." "Okay, wait, Larry actually wrote down..." "Oh, my God." "He wrote down directions for me, because..." " we..." " Hit the red button." " This is pitiful..." " No, no, Larry!" "This is so not..." "What?" "I can't get the satellite to go on." "It was working yesterday, just follow the instructions!" "Just get in here and fix the damn thing!" "We're missing Joan!" "We're missing the Emmy Pre-Show with..." "I just..." "This is just so pathetic." "You can't wait three hours?" "It'll come on regular TV." "We want to watch it when the New Yorkers watch it." "We need to see the Pre-Show with Joan." "We're missing that now." "We need to see what everyone's wearing." "That's the best part." "What was that business I saw you... yesterday?" " At the coffee shop?" " What business?" "The business with the black guy." "You fixed his tip?" " What happened?" " So?" "Yeah." "What do you mean, "So"?" "You didn't know?" "Larry's a tip profiler." " Fixed a black man's tip." " He didn't leave enough." "What am I supposed to do?" "You trying to get a NAACP Image Award or something?" "If it wasn't a racial thing, why'd you do it behind his back?" "I didn't do it behind his back!" "He tiptoed back into the restaurant." "Tippy-toed." " I did not!" " You should've seen it." "I didn't tiptoe, he stormed out in a huff!" "I would've done it right in front of his face, but he stormed out." " Well, why'd he storm out?" " Because I fired him." "You fired him?" "You fired him?" "!" "Why'd you fire the black man?" "I fired the black man because he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work." "He's here every week," "I'm giving him checks." "We've got five remotes," "I can't turn it on, but I know, you know, "Black man, he can never do anything wrong, and he shouldn't get fired from a job." "Black people always do everything right."" "You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work." "See the little green light?" "Just gotta turn it on." "Or you can fire the black man." "Whatever works for you." "Jessica Alba and her fiancé..." "Great, thank you." " Thanks, Larry." " Thank you." "Who's that?" "Jane Kaczmarek?" "Yeah, she's funny." "There's Kelsey Grammer and his girlfriend." "Thank you, Kelsey." "Kelsey Grammer, ladies and gentlemen, one of the greats of our community." "Oh, my God, there's Richard!" "It's Richard Lewis." "Richard, over here!" "Richard, Richard!" "Come on, it's Joan!" "Just get over here, it's so good to see you... oh, my God." "I've seen better faces on a hemorrhoid." "When E.T. called home, did you pick up the phone?" "Excuse me." "How are things in Loch Ness?"