""Wanted for armored car robbery?"" "How high do you want me to stack these bills?" "Who is it?" "I thought you were that no-account Bo Duke." "Either you're losing your eyesight or I'm losing my figure." "This one's hotter than a hot rod in a haystack." "Paradise." "Ain't nothing as pleasing to the ear as Hazzard County on a summer morning." "With the breeze humming through the trees... and the crickets chirping in the meadows and the whippoorwills singing songs." "'Course, there's other sounds that ain't exactly made by Mother Nature." "That's a good idea, testing the general out this way." "If we beat Enos, we'II be a cinch to win the Choctaw County Cross-Country rally." "The car might need a bath, but I don't." "Hey, Enos, how about we both quit and call it a draw before we all drown?" "Sorry, Luke." "It's my bounding duty to give you a speeding ticket." "You know the rules." "You gotta catch us first." "That's exactly what I aim to do." "You win, fellas." "I ain't chasing you through the pearly Gates." "You slow down to 55 miles an hour and I won't hassle you no more." "Son, you got yourself a deal." "You ever wonder what happens to a $1 bill when it's so worn out... it makes George Washington look like the grandfather of his country?" "Or a $5 bill that makes honest Abe Lincoln seem like a used car dealer?" "Well, for one thing, it drives Boss Hogg up the wall." "$990,000... $995,000, and $5,000 more... makes it an even $1 million... in genuine United States currency." "And as president of this here bank..." "I got to send it all to the federal Reserve in atlanta for burning." "For burning!" "It's downright sinful." "Enos, you come over here." "Start counting afresh." "Yes, sir." "Boss, there ain't no use in you whimpering and whining about it." "Every year you...." "Deputy Enos Strate was honest enough to count $1 million... but they was all gonna be senior citizens before he got finished." "Why is it every year you weasel and snivel about that money?" "You send $1 million to the bank in atlanta... and they send you $1 million back in new bills." "It happens every year." "And every year, it always hurts." "Crime against nature." "Enos, can't you count faster, Iike the boss does?" "His little fat fingers just fly!" "That's all right, Rosco." "Some got it, some ain't." "He ain't." "He's a dipstick." "You know what makes me mad, Boss?" "It's that that's Hazzard County money." "We ought to have the privilege of burning it right here." "You must be reading my mind." "For the one time in your uneventful life, you've come up with a real good idea." "I did?" "About us burning the...money." "After it leaves town, and before it reaches atlanta." "I thought it was against your religion to burn money." "well, sure it is, but... burning old phone books ain't." "Phone books?" "Burning them?" "Yeah, which is what's gonna be in that armored truck... when it has a very serious accident... just outside of town." "You got my tie and my hand there." "I didn't know that armored truck ever had an accident in 10 years." "It will this time." "Your cousin, CIetus?" "Yeah." "really, this is brilliant." "That's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen since instant grits." "$999,000 and $1,000 makes a thousand thousands." "That's the highest I ever counted." "It's all here, Mr. Hogg." "Thank you." "AII right, here you are, Cousin CIetus." "Just sign for it." "acknowledge receipt of the money." "Anything you say." "Enos, you better go look outside." "We don't wanna take any chances with this kind of money, no?" "Yes, sir." "AII clear, Mr. Hogg." "Good, good." "I want you and Rosco to form an armed guard... while Cousin CIetus puts all that money in the armored truck." "Yes, sir." "Don't worry about this money, Cousin Boss." "It'II end up where it's supposed to." "That worked sIicker than goose grease." "You mean, Iike at a barbeque?" "hold it, Bo." "hold on." "What?" "Head on up to the grapevine." "If we plan to win that rally, Saturday, that's the place to practice." "That's where I was going." "AII right, hit it." "Are there any volcanoes in Hazzard County?" "well, not since Mr. Puckett blew his stack... when I brought his daughter home two days late from the hayride." "Oh, boy." "What happened?" "You all right?" "I was just driving along and "boom," blew me out the truck." "You're lucky you ain't hurt." "Maybe we can still put it out." "No." "I mean, there might be another explosion." "FeIIas, wait a minute." "Got it." "Sorry, but all I couId save was this." "I suppose I should thank you all kindly." "It weren't nothing." "I'II try and arrange Cooter on the CB." "We could tow this thing back to the bank." "What about" "Hey, I guess you'II wanna talk to Boss Hogg about this?" "Want to, no." "Got to, yeah." "You idiot!" "You dad-bIamed, dang-nabbed idiot!" "Letting the Duke boys, of all people, put out that fire." "It wasn't my fault, Cousin Boss." "They was just being neighborly." "NeighborIy?" "You call beating a man out of $1 million neighborIy?" "Nobody beat you out of anything, Boss." "You still got $1 million in old bills." "There ain't nothing in this sack but some old phone books." "See?" "If they saw what I see, I ain't gonna collect a penny from the insurance company... for all that burned money." "Get it?" "If they'd have seen it, they'd have said so, and I'd have saw them say it." "See?" "That makes sense to me." "only 'cause you're a bigger dad-bIamed, dang-nabbed idiot than he is." "Let me think." "You say Bo went into the truck?" "That's right." "And what'd he find?" "Nothing." "Except what's left of that sack." "What?" "What sack?" "There ain't no sack." "It got took by the hijackers." "What hijackers?" "Why, the Duke boys, of course." "Leastways, they will be hijackers when you catch them with the evidence." "SowbeIIy and beans again?" "That must be all you can cook." "We just had that yesterday." "Yeah?" "You're gonna have it again tomorrow... unless that cotton you planted yesterday is ready for picking this afternoon." ""Our Father, we thank thee for this bounteous table..." ""which thou hast placed before us."" "Amen." "What Daisy's trying to say... is that we got ourselves... a temporary cash flow problem here." "Thank you." "We've got enough money to either buy grub for a few days... or enough seed corn to do the whole season." "Which is it gonna be?" "Buy the seed." "The way Bo's driving, we plan on winning some grub money... in that cross-country rally next Saturday." "That's right." "Provided we can get ahold of the $5 entry fee." "Let me look in the bank." "holy mackerel." "uncle Jesse, where did we get all of that?" "Looks like we growed ourselves a money tree." "FeIIas, uncle Jesse, come here, quick." "Look!" "holy jumping horny toads." "It's happened again." "Oh, gosh!" "This is better than striking gold." "Or is it?" "Guess who?" "It's Enos and Rosco." "In the kitchen." "Yeah." "I'm coming." "Now, Jesse, before you get riled, this is just a social visit." "social, only as long as you make it short." "well, Boss Hogg wanted me to drop by and just thank the boys... for putting out that fire in his armored truck." "And also ask if you've seen any suspicious characters running round here." "only the one I'm looking at." "It seems that somebody hijacked some of Boss' money out of the truck." "Now you just hold on, Rosco." "Y'aII ain't about to say it's us now, are you?" "Shoot, I know it wasn't y'aII, Bo." "Enos, hush." "We both know that he didn't do it." "I guess we're just wasting our time here." "We just might as well go on home." "As soon as I have some of Jesse's good coffee... that you got back here in this coffee pot." "well, I Iove it." "It's good stuff." "You just make the best coffee." "You mind if I have a little snort?" "Just help yourself, Rosco." "well, now, I appreciate it." "That's a little thick, isn't it, Jesse?" "It's just a little thicker than usual." "Look at that." "Look at all that." "Green coffee." "I guess we got the hijackers." "You watch your language." "We never laid eyes on those bills, and you know it." "Now, I'II bet you if I was to look around here real careful..." "I just might find some more of this green coffee." "I wouldn't be a bit surprised, seeing as how you planted them here." "And this whole dang thing's nothing but a frame-up." "Now, boys, that'd be kind of hard to prove, wouldn't it?" "Enos, put the cuffs on them." "I'm sorry." "Freeze." "Enos, don't let that...." "Do your duty." "I'm sorry, Daisy." "well, what're we gonna do now?" "Just keep moving till we shake Enos." "Oh, he's still hanging in there." "Quick, hang a right into the hay field." "Besides being the town's best mechanic..." "Cooter Davenport was known as the Rembrandt of Hazzard County." "For $29.99, he could repaint an old hearse and make it look new enough... to satisfy the fussiest undertaker in the world." "Cooter." "Over here." "It was a good thing you called me by my name." "I was getting a little spooked painting this hearse for old Boss Hogg." "I bet half the people in Hazzard County wish he's in this thing now." "This ain't really no hearse." "He's got four or five of these things he uses to run moonshine up to nashville." "What was y'aII doing under that tarp?" "We were just hiding." "I figured that one out." "What was you hiding from?" "Take your pick." "A:" "Boss." "B:" "Rosco." "C:" "The Armored Car Company" "D:" "AII of the above." "What happened?" "well, Rosco framed us but good." "Speak of the devil." "It's Rosco." "Let's duck." "Cooter, can't you hear me tooting?" "What's the matter, you deaf or something?" "I was honking and honking for you." "What can I do for you?" "well, you can start by hanging these posters." ""$1,000 reward for capture of--"" ""Bo and Luke Duke." God, I Iove it." ""Wanted for armored car robbery?"" "Don't that have a nice ring to it?" "This here's J. D. Hogg speaking." "Got your ears on?" "Boss, this is Sheriff Rosco." "I got my ears on and my eyes peeled." "And your mouth runneth over." "Look, put your foot on the pedal." "And if you ain't at the place in 10 minutes..." "I'II need a new door when...." "You kick my butt." "When I kick your butt...." "Through the one in your bank." "Through the one in my bank." "Come back and see me now, Rosco." "Boss sure was ticked off at something." "Wonder what he meant by "the place?"" "You got me." "He owns just about every place in Hazzard County." "I got a hunch we ought to follow Rosco and find out which one." "Come on." "Hey, I got an idea." "We don't have time to listen to your idea." "Since General Lee stood out like a watermelon in a bowlful of chick peas... the boys borrowed old Cooter's tow truck to follow Rosco." "I was gonna say:" ""Why don't you borrow my truck?"" "Gonna kick my butt, is he?" "Danged if '"the place'" didn't turn out to be the Hazzard Coffin Works." "It was a part of Boss' cradle-to-the-grave social security plan for himself." "Most Hazzard babies was born in Boss'hospital." "They grew up and financed their homes and cars at Boss'bank." "And in the end, they was laid to rest in one of Boss' caskets... after being overcharged every step along the way." "Now, what do you suppose he's got in that bag?" "probably just Boss' laundry." "Everybody carries laundry in a money bag." "We better check it out to make sure there ain't no ring around the collar." "How are we gonna get past Boss' driver?" "Very carefully." "Thanks a Iot." "You owe me one." "Boss, how high you want me to stack these bills?" "How high?" "well, how high are those gallon jugs we use to run 'shine in?" "About this high?" "well, that's how high we can go under the false bottom, jackass." "That's Sheriff Jackass." "That old Boss don't miss a trick." "Even if the revenuers stop them, they'II find no moonshine in there." "Right." "Now, put it in the false bottom." "That'II fool anybody." "Now what do we do, Boss?" "Now we are gonna bury it." "Bury it?" "You mean six foot under?" "Yeah." "How's that gonna do us any good?" "well, first thing... it's gonna get us another $1 million from the insurance company." "And then, after everything's signed, sealed and delivered... and the hue and cry dies down, we un-bury it." "I got it." "I Iove it." "You better round up them Duke boys." "Yeah." "I don't want nothing to interfere with the funeral... of old Tom MacDougaI." "Right." "Boss, who's Tom MacDougaI?" "I didn't know he was sick." "Look, there ain't no Tom MacDougaI." "Then why will we bury somebody we don't know?" "Because, dumbbell..." "I need some name I can mention at the funeral... when I read his beautiful eulogy." "Let the Boss' fIunky help you with the box." "I wanna check the road map." "We got to find a quicker way to nashville." "Yeah, the AFT guys got a little too close for comfort last time out." "We'II have to wait till that guy leaves." "This my split, Boss?" "There's an awful lot of $1 bills here." "Who is it?" "Just me, Boss." "We need another box." "Go ahead, help yourselves, boys." "You know where they are at." "That gave me quite a turn." "Yeah, put a quiver in my liver, too." "How about this one?" "No." "What about this one, then?" "That's the real thing." "We want one with a false bottom." "Yeah." "You fellows are crazy to come here." "I mean, this will be the first place they'd start looking for you." "You boys best pack your bags and get on out of here." "We are running nowhere from the likes of Boss Hogg and Rosco CoItrane." "What about the FBI and the state police?" "They'II be called in sooner or later." "Not if you get hold of that bonding company." "And tell them to meet us at the town square at 3:00..." "so we can give them back all their money." "Ain't that nice?" "That's one of the best ways I know of confessing to a crime you didn't do... is giving them back the money you ain't got." "We will have it as soon as they agree to drop all the charges against us." "Stands no reason they can't say no." "How would it look if word got out that a big city bonding company... got ripped off by a pair of good old barefoot country boys like us?" "Bonding company?" "I wouldn't even trust my paycheck to that outfit." "well, that's our plan." "I'm betting that the banks... those boys have been dealing with feel the same way." "especially, with uncle Jesse shucking and jiving them into it." "Looks like I've been shucked and jived into doing some shucking." "And jiving." "As soon as you make the deal, you give us a call over at Cooter's place." "Daisy?" "would you Iike to do some shopping over at the Bride and Groomery..." "for your wedding?" "My what?" "Wedding?" "Now, don't none of you single boys out there start to fret." "'Cause Daisy ain't got no more chance of getting hitched... than old Boss has of turning an honest dollar." "Of course, you might say the boys was figuring on eloping... with Boss' true love, meaning his money." "Hey, y'aII, here is your spare tire." "And this here CB will put out enough juice... to reach from here to most coroners." "Lookee there." "There's Daisy." "Right on time as usual." "hello there, sweetheart." "Hi, fellas." "Got the stuff you asked me to rent at the Bride and Groomery." "Did you have any problems?" "No, but I'm gonna have." "half the town thinks I'm marrying Enos." "I sure hope he don't find out." "Any luck, he'II be too busy chasing you to find out anything." "Bo, Luke, where are you?" "Crazy Cooter coming at you." "Is that you, uncle Jesse?" "Yes, this is me, Cooter." "Put Bo and Luke on." "Yes, sir." "It's us, uncle Jesse." "What's happening?" "I wore out my teeth talking them into it... but there will be somebody at the town square... from the Tri-Counties Bonding Company." "They agreed to drop all the charges?" "Providing you bring back all the money." "Now, boys, take care of yourself." "Looks like you might pull this thing off, God willing." "uncle Jesse, with you and him on our side, how can we lose?" "And that's a big ten-four." "Let's go." "Boss sure ain't taking no chances with that money." "Yeah, the only ones that can move that pair is us." "Or somebody they think is us." "Come on, Daisy, bring in the general." "That's a big ten-four, cousin." "Possum on a gum bush." "It's general Lee!" "Hey, you guys." "Freeze!" "Go after him !" "Yes!" "You must be new around here." "Yeah, I've only been here 12 years." "Who are you?" "Just a couple of delivery boys." "Yeah, Boss Hogg wants to break us in on the atlanta run." "Business must be picking up." "You are the second ones today." "I'II show you where to pick up the box." "No need to bother yourself." "Boss Hogg told us where to find it." "No, that's my job." "It's all right." "No problem." "Let me help you out." "It's all right." "Thanks." "Boss told Rosco to put the money in that coffin over there." "AII right, Iet's get in there." "hold it." "This manifest don't say nothing about a shipment to atlanta." "Are you sure about that?" "Maybe you just can't make out the...." "Looks like a bunch of chicken tracks to me." "well, I'm the rooster that made those tracks." "And you ain't going no place till I check with atlanta by phone." "Now, I got a better idea." "Why don't you check us out in person?" "AII right, come on, you guys." "Now put me down." "No, boys, wait." "The boys figured it would take that watchman a couple of hours... to use that screw driver and work his way out of that coffin... before he could report to the Boss." "Enos, this is your superior officer speaking." "Now you just pull over and let me pass, dipstick." "And you remember, that reward money and them Duke boys are mine." "AII right, Bo Duke." "Just freeze!" "I've been after you all this time, now I've got you." "And now I'm going to nail you to the barn." "Rosco CoItrane, you old reprobate." "If your mama heard you talking like that... she wouldn't show up at the church this Sunday." "I'm sorry, Miss Daisy." "But I thought you were that no-account Bo Duke." "If you can't tell the difference between me and Bo... either you're losing your eyesight or I'm losing my figure." "Shoot, Daisy." "You ain't losing nothing." "I got twenty-twenty vision." "Ain't I, Sheriff?" "Hey, Enos." "Enos!" "Sir?" "Hush." "Yes, sir." "Bo and Luke figured it'd take the watchman a couple of hours... to report to the boss." "That'd give them enough time to get that money back... to the armored car company people." "And have all the charges against them dropped." "So far, the boys'plan was working slicker than lard on a doorknob." "Trouble is, in Hazzard County, that's when everything hits the fan." "well, there's the reception committee." "I'd better just check to make sure none of that money is missing." "Luke?" "You wouldn't tell me there ain't no money, would you?" "Nope." "We better slide out of here before they find us with enough 'shine... to put us under the jail." "Think they're getting ready to pull something funny?" "Let's stay on our toes." "That turkey wants to play chicken." "How could we have lost $1 million?" "Someone must've switched the coffins." "Boss is probably burying it just about now." "How are we gonna convince them of that?" "Head for the cemetery." "Yeah, right." "This is Sitting Duck calling Crazy C. You read me?" "Sitting Duck calling Crazy C, come on." "Five by five, Sitting Duck." "told you that rig could reach halfway across the state." "What's the problem?" "We got a couple of vultures nibbling at our tail feathers." "Can you buy us time?" "Which way are you coming?" "Heading down moonshine trail No. 3." "You better get Jesse and Daisy to lend you a hand." "That's gonna take a little time." "Don't count on help before miller's Bridge." "That's a big ten-four, Crazy C. Over and out." "Wish I was just half as sure of reaching miller's Bridge as he is." "Y'all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions." "Only, I'm betting you never did see a hearse in such a hurry to get there." "By the time the boys were getting close to Miller's Bridge..." "Boss was tuning up for the saddest eulogy in the history of Hazzard County." "Enos, I thought I told you to plant nasturtiums over by that path." "police Officers don't plant pansies." "Boss, how did you get all these people to a funeral of a man..." "who ain't ever been born?" "That was easy." "I promised them all a big free wake at the Boar's Nest." "That's genius." "They ain't even getting hard liquor." "Just near beer?" "Just near beer." "Here comes miller's Bridge." "Any sign of Cooter?" "Nope." "But I see he got ahold of the oId-timer." "Oh, great." "You stupid sodbuster, get that thing moving." "well, now, these skip loaders have only got two speeds:" "slow and slower." "And I have got her in the top one." "I won't be long." "While Bo and Luke were rushing to get to the money..." "Boss was having trouble letting it slip out of his fingers." "Neighbors, we are gathered here today to say goodbye... to the dearest friend I ever had." "I couId give you one million reasons... why my heart is sick at the thought of being separated... from the love and inspiration of what's in that there pine box." "Thank you kindly." "The only thing that gives me strength to say these words... is the certain knowledge... that I and the contents of that box... will be reunited and I will be in paradise." "As you know, during the course of my long years..." "I have been inspired by many great men:" "George Washington, Abraham lincoln, Ben franklin... and especially william mckinley." "Who's william mckinley?" "His face is on every $50 bill, you dipstick." "$500 bill, jackass." "I can't go on." "It hurts too much to say the words." "Just better lower him down, boys." "Everybody hold it right there." "Nobody's burying that coffin till we find out what's inside." "I know what's inside!" "It's my best friend." "Sheriff, arrest these two crooks." "Get them out of here." "I ain't gonna let nothing stop the right and proper burial of old Tom MacDougaI." "But, that ain't MacDougaI." "It says here the name is McDonaId." "Somebody must have got the caskets mixed up." "You mean I have been wasting all these words on a real person...." "If that's McDonaId, where's MacDougaI?" "probably getting cremated." "Oh, no!" "Sheriff, stop the belt!" "The deceased has just changed his mind." "Come on, fellows, we'II get old Tom back where he belongs." "Let's go." "You mean old George and old Abe?" "Mr. Hogg, if the serial numbers on these bills check... you better have a good explanation." "For what?" "AII I was doing was carrying out the dying wishes of a dear friend... who left strict orders that this casket not be opened." "May his lying, doubIe-crossing soul rest in peace." "Yeah, he was in cahoots with those Duke boys." "Enos, put the cuffs on them." "Wait a minute, Rosco... we were granted immunity if we brought this money back." "You mean, I don't get to arrest nobody?" "Nope." "Sometimes it doesn't even pay to get out of bed." "I chased them over hill and dale, I got my gum ball going...." "You know, boys, I'm mighty pleased and happy... about the way things turned out." "will you be quiet?" "Now we can ship all them bills... to the federal Reserve in atlanta." "Quiet!" "Just as planned." "Looks a little late for that, Boss." "Oh, no!" "That's how Boss got stuck for $1 million." "And since they were in his possession when they were burned... the insurance company didn't have to pay for it." "But in Hazzard County, the only thing that you could ever expect... is the unexpected." "english"