"(Woman) Here we come." "(Woman #2 Chuckles)" "(Woman #1) Here she is." "(Camera Shutter Clicks)" "(Woman #2) Prettiest bride in the world." "(Woman #1) Uh-huh." "(Woman #2) Isn't she pretty?" "(Shutter Clicks) I just" " I can't." "I'm sorry." "Guys, I need to go back upstairs." "(Chattering)" "(Man Narrating) If you truly love someone, elope." "Trust me, I've been shooting these shit shows for over 10 years." "Weddings are supposed to be about true love and commitment." "But come on." "That's garbage." "In my experience, everyone's more concerned about how they look, or the roast beef at the carving station, or the custom napkin rings than true love." "But I'm an artist." "This is what I do." "Nana hates you?" "I catch the one time she smiles." "Recent divorcée melting down at the wedding?" "I drop some Sarah McLachlan on that shit, make it a moment." "(Woman) ♪ In the arms of" "I'm at your rehearsal dinner." "I'm grabbing your home movies." "I'm buying footage off of guests." "(Man) I'll give you five bucks for it." "Weddings make people go insane, but I always edit out the crazy." "That is, until..." "I met these two." "(Woman) ♪ There's some uncertainty" "♪ Will there always be?" "♪ Look at me Just watch me now ♪" "♪ I'm waiting patiently" "♪ I swear I will" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ I love you so" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ Never wanted anyone but you ♪" "Your job is to get everything." "That's it." "You got no other job." "This is the hotel here." "I want you to do a master, kind of like a pan master wide, and then I want you to just tilt down on the thing, okay?" "(Horn Honks) Oh, shut the fuck up." "(Vic Narrating) Up until that day, I had operated... with a strict code of ethics-- a big part of my success." "There are rules to this game." "You don't eat with them." "You don't drink with them." "You don't flirt with them." "You don't-- (Bleeps) them." "A.B.R., baby-- Always be rolling." "My assistants are highly skilled technicians." "This one really upped his game since graduating high school." "Now what you're about to see is a different kind of wedding video-- raw, unfettered." "It is quite simply my masterwork." "You want the other wedding, man." "It's right that way." "(Man) Inhale. (Woman) Breathe." "I can't get up." "But before we go there, let me introduce you to the bride and groom." "Right over there." "You see, that's my guy." "That guy's filming us?" "That guy's filming us, yeah." "Alison and Phil seemed normal at first." "Alison was your classic people-pleaser." "We want it to be just a really great party." "Just a celebration of families uniting." "These types of brides are always a pleasure... because they rarely fight me on my methodology... of complete and total access to your life." "Hey." "Oh, was that tonight?" "(Vic) Have you always wanted to get married?" "When I was a little girl," "I would, like, take my mom's curtains... and make them into a veil and walk around." "Your mom and dad must be super happy you're getting married." "Uh, yeah." "I don't know if I mentioned this to you before, but my mom and dad actually got divorced, so, um, they're super happy, but separately they're happy-- happier separately than they are together." "Um" "I guess that's when the wedding game kind of stopped being fun." "What changed?" "Um, Philip." "Uh, I'm in real estate, and I was showing this house... with these perfect little blue shutters... and a big tree in the front yard." "And one day Phil stopped in front of this house... and he looked at me and he said," ""We could be a family."" "And" "(Vic Narrating) Sweetheart, isn't she?" "You'd never guess that behind those innocent eyes... was a one-way ticket to Crazyville with a quick stop in Fakersfield." "You all right?" "Yeah." "Can I get up now?" "I really" " I'm better." "You good?" "It usually helps my grandma's anxiety attacks." "Oh, that wasn't an anxiety attack." "I'm better." "Oh, you are." "You're great." "Yeah, I'm fine." "I'm sorry." "I just want to make sure you're doing okay." "Oh, honey, I-- he just told me that the carving station's... gonna have a regular light instead of a red light." "All right?" "No." "I know it was a concern-- Dad loves red-lit meat." "He specifically mentioned it in an e-mail." "Okay, okay, okay." "I'll handle it." "I'll handle it." "I'll handle it." "The rehearsal dinner-- don't worry about it." "It doesn't matter." "The rehearsal dinner was fine." "(Explosion) (Clamoring)" "(Man) Grab the kids!" "Give him a tour around the room, all right?" "Okay." "All right, dear?" "See you later." "Bye." "Testing one, two." "Mike check." "(Singsongy) Somebody's getting married." "Okay, great." "That sounds great." "I was definitely chicken-faced at my sister's wedding." "(Phil, Mike) Yeah, you were." "Oh, check it out." "I got something for the boys." "Uh-oh." "Oh, shoot." "I'm terrified." "(Bena) Yes, let's see." "Okay, uh-- Hola, Pio Pio Rico." "(Phil) Wow." "That's you." "Shoot, I actually like that, Bena." "Well done, well done." "Grande chupacabra." "Yeah." "Over there." "I'm gonna pick up the groom interview." "(Vic Narrating) Most groomholes I work with are either nervous, drunk or control freaks." "Phil was distracted." "He's so attached to that thing." "It's like it's an extension of his body." "That's, uh" " That's Teddy, right?" "What?" "Yeah." "Hey, Al." "I just missed your call." "Ooh, videographers are here." "(Vic) What is it that you love most about Alison?" "Whoa." "Oh, wow." "Uh, what is it the most that I love about Alison?" "Well, Alison is a powerhouse in everything she does." "She loves her job." "She's pretty much the most generous person I've ever met." "Over here." "My brother is gonna bug out." "He loves chocolate." "She's got great posture, which is really awesome considering how chest-heavy she is." "Which is also equally awesome." "Phil's mother really loves pink and chocolate, so we picked pink and chocolate, which I like a lot now too." "She wanted us to pay for the whole wedding, which is really cool and mature." "And she just didn't want her dad to, like, give us anything." "Basically we just wanted to throw, like, a really fun party for all our friends and family." "Little bit fancy." "You know, try to do it right, no matter what the cost, really." "(Bena) Love don't cost a thing, man." "It's hot as hell in here." "Can I talk to you for a second outside?" "(Vic) Yes, of course, man." "All right." "Camera's off, right?" "Perfect, perfect." "So, Alison and I are getting married as scheduled." "We are doing this thing." "I have a plan." "It's kind of a surprise." "And it is definitely gonna knock Alison's socks off." "That said," "I just, uh, you know" "I can't pay you tonight." "(Vic Narrating) Normally, I would turn my cameras off and go home." "But not this time." "I knew too much." "I am heading to a very dark, dark place." "What's up, baby?" "So the chef can't do the crème brûlée anymore." "Oh, no." "There's like a problem with the burners." "Here's the deal." "Phil had been planning to surprise Alison... with their dream house on their wedding day." "...some female issues." "Oh, I've got a Midol in my purse." "Only problem was, Phil didn't count on the wedding costs... getting so out of control at the same time... the first house payments were rolling in." "Let's raise a glass in celebration of Philip and Alison's love." "Do you wanna borrow some cash?" "Yes, please." "From a very wealthy man with more money than you." "No offense." "Phil was so in over his head financially that he had even hatched a plan." "He thought if he made his boss-- this guy-- his best man, he might be able to get an advance out of him in time to save the house." "Trouble with that was, Phil already had a best man-- this guy-- and they went way back." "It's Lucha Tonight." "I'm here with Philippe San Pedro." "Philippe San Pedro backs down from no" "Wow!" "(Laughing)" "(Laughing) Oh, my God!" "Is that Bena?" "(Vic Narrating) Phil just couldn't bring himself to break his old pal's heart." "Bena, I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "Oh, my God." "He's bleeding." "I feel sick to my stomach." "Buddy, slow down." "Slow down." "She needs this." "Take it easy." "That's not the one." "Okay." "All right." "He had all but given up." "The house was officially going back on the market the Monday after their wedding." "But losing the house wasn't the worst thing that was gonna happen to Phil that weekend." "(Explosion) (Man Screams)" " (Alarm Blaring) - (People Clamoring)" "(Phil) Let's go!" "Grab the kids." "Grab the presents." "Let's go now." "So this is just our cake, and then this is the groom's cake surprise for Philip." "Phil loves his iPhone, so I had it specially made... by the second assistant to the cake master on the Food Network." "She did my cousin's cake." "I can't eat it though, because I have a wheat allergy, so, um-- so they made me a cake, um, which is here." "Looks really good too." "(Vic Narrating) The best part of wireless mikes?" "People always forget they're wearing them." "Alison, does this freak-out have anything to do with your" "Oh, Mom, it's not the shot talking, okay?" "I know you, and there is something you are not telling me." "Mom, stop it." "I'm okay." "I'm more worried about you." "Are you okay?" "Is it weird with Dad and her being around all the time?" "Is it weird that I'm getting ready there?" "I am more worried about you." "You cannot please everybody." "What's that supposed to mean?" "It means that I am worried... that you are not gonna enjoy this magnificent day of your life... because you are running around trying to make everything perfect for everybody else." "And eventually, that is how you're going to lose Phil." "Oh, great." "Thanks a lot, Mom." "Oh, Alison." "I didn't mean it that way, Allie." "Please" "(Vic) So, uh, Alison, do you have any, um" "Just tell me, what are your hopes?" "Oh, my hopes?" "Um, I suppose just, like, that everything goes how it's supposed to go, that everyone has an amazing time, and there's lots of dancing, lots of eating, and that my grandmother feels complete with her time here on Earth." "Is there anything you'd like to say to the video for Philip and Alison?" "I just wanna say that I love my little girl and her big man so very much, and I wish them everything that they could ever want." "And I just, you know, hope I didn't screw her up too bad." "(Chuckling)" "Are you excited for your parents?" "For your dad to walk you down the aisle?" "Uh, yeah." "Yup." "Mm-hmm." "(Mike) Okay, guys." "Who's hungry?" "(Woman) Oh, good." "Good." "Yay." "(Vic Narrating) After the fireballs cleared," "Phil and Alison moved their rehearsal dinner to the only place available-- the basement of a local Knights of Columbus." "(Guests Chattering) Let me take this." "I'm so cold." "You're cold?" "Okay, leave it on then." "(Phil) I don't need to tell you what to do." "Let's eat and party and... eat and party." "(Woman) Yeah!" "Seven-and-a-half foot sub, on the way." "Let's go-- Here, let me grab this." "Do not drink that, Toddy, all right?" "Got it." "Most videographers won't shoot the signing of the marriage contract, but I know better." "For all the bells and whistles of a lavish ceremony, real marriage comes down to paperwork." "(Woman) There you are, you precious angels." "Coming straight down from heaven." "It's so good to see y'all." "Did you wanna go over those vows?" "I do." "But first, I really need y'all to sign this certificate of marriage." "Awesome." "We have got to get that done, okay?" "Can I just grab that from you?" "Oh." "Okay." "And we'll throw this in the back." "I'll call my lawyer." "Then we'll come find you." "You better not call your lawyer." "I'll be in there." "You can find me." "(Phil) Ready?" "(Cell Phone:" "Melody)" "Oh, wait." "Hold on." "(Alison) Philip" "I gotta take this call." "Do not take that." "Look, I got-- Look, put it over here." "Phil." "Phil." "Do not take that." "I gotta take this call, babe." "It could be Damian, all right?" "Do not" "Look, just give me one minute." "I'll be right back." "One minute." "Damian, can you hear me?" "I'm going where I can hear you." "(Mike) Is Alison all right?" "(Woman) I think she is." "How would you be?" "You know, bad rehearsal, good marriage maybe." "Really?" "(Woman) That didn't happen at my wedding." "I just made that up." "I just made that up." "(Mike) No, I think that's a thing." "Now it's a thing." "They have a sense of humor." "Ah, babe, I'm so sorry." "It was Damian." "I'm so sorry, okay?" "Here we go." "(Stammering) I'm not" " I'm not going-- I'm not going back out there." "Babe, we gotta bring this out." "I don't wanna go back out there." "Let's just drop this off." "No." "I won't go out there." "What-- What's going on, babe?" "Are you okay?" "No, I'm not okay." "Close the door." "What's the matter?" "This is not working." "It's just not working." "I just don't feel" " I just don't feel good." "Babe, babe." "Have you ever seen their Halloween costumes?" "No." "Oh, my God." "What?" "They go all out." "You can't go to a party with them... 'cause there's no way you can possibly beat" " No, It's crazy." "You just have to, like, go buy a mask" " Sloth and Chunk." "Sloth and Chunk were amazing." "I know." "Oh, my God. (Mike) Phil really does the best Sloth." "(Woman) Scottie Pippen, Michael Jordan." "Oh, yeah, that was good." "It was crazy." "Wait a minute." "How did they do that?" "Were they in blackface?" "(Chuckling) No, they weren't in blackface." "But hands down, the best costume ever:" "2007, Stephen Hawking and the universe." "(Chattering, Laughing) Oh, my God!" "Alison just ruled him." "I think I've just been, like, going along with this for a long time and kind of just, like, going through the motions and just getting caught up with everything, and..." "I just" "Babe, this was your idea." "I know, but I just thought, like" "This is your day." "I know." "This is the day you dreamed of when you were a little girl." "I know!" "Why would you wanna have a wedding if you didn't wanna get married?" "(Sobbing) This is what you wanted, right?" "You wanted to have a wedding." "No, I didn't." "No, I didn't." "You wanted to get married." "No, I just-- No, I just" "I don't know." "It's what normal people do." "I don't know." "I didn't ever really want it." "We can't have these guys come all this way, you know, and then we're gonna cancel the wedding." "You wanna cancel the wedding?" "I can't do it." "(Sighs) You're actually being serious." "This is just cold feet." "This is some normal" "I gotta tell these people." "What?" "No." "I gotta tell 'em." "What do you wanna do?" "I don't know." "You tell me." "What are we doing?" "(Alison)" "(Phil)" "You've got me so confused right now, Alison." "I know, but" "What if we had a wedding and we had a reception, and just don't sign that sheet of paper?" "And then no one knows that it's not official, and everyone dances and drinks, and we feed them and everyone has a great time." "This is ludicrous." "No, it'll be easier." "I think I'm gonna throw up." "(Retching)" "We're not gonna get the deposits back." "You said so yourself." "Yeah, we're not gonna get our deposits back, Al." "But in a church" "Phil, when was the last time that you went to church?" "I pray every day, Al." "Okay, well, I'll volunteer a lot." "(Sighs)" "Philip-- We're going to hell." "No, Phil." "Look at me." "(Phil)" "(Alison)" "(Vic Narrating) If you needed further evidence... that weddings make normal people go bat-shit crazy, let me present you with exhibit "A":" "Phil's new plan." "Just don't ask me how I was able to get this." "(Phone Hangs Up)" "(Bena Groans) I'm awake." "Drink this." "Okay." "One more coffee, please." "(Chuckles)" "You'll be wide awake after this." "Mm-hmm." "Why you being so nice to me?" "Mmm." "Mmm." "That's the trailblazer and this is a bunch of covered wagons." "Brrr." "(Alison) I'm so scared no one's gonna wanna dance at the wedding." "(Woman) I'm gonna dance." "I'm gonna dance all up and down your man guests." "(Both Chuckle)" "Alison has been fasting for the last three months... because of the Depo shot." "Is she supposed to be talking to you?" "He's in my car." "So Alison got slammed by the birth-control fairy." "No, my doctor gave me this birth control shot... so that I wouldn't have to worry about my period for my wedding." "It is like 4,000 doses of birth control at once, so needless to say, shit hit the fan." "I just didn't have the best reaction." "(Laughs) You had 45 pounds of not the best reaction." "It's a totally common side effect." "You looked like a football player." "Why are you" "I really should have rescheduled those engagement photos." "No." "Why?" "It's where you were at that time in your life." "There she is." "There's my sister." "I am so happy and proud for you." "Lenka's really up to no good, so feel free to ice her out and make her feel unwanted." "Do your thing." "That was weird." "(Vic Narrating) Alison's family life was complicated. three months after the divorce to Alison's mom was final." "So you're filming everything, huh?" "His new wife invited her goddaughter Lenka for a visit." "Brian, who up till then had never tongue-kissed a girl, married her within the month." "That's my wife, everybody." "(Alison) Uh-huh." "(Man, Faint)" "Uh-huh." "I don't know." "Yes." "Yes, of course I still love you." "I just" "You know what, Phil?" "We just need to stick to the plan right now, okay?" "That's what we need to do." "And if you really love me, you'll respect that." "Okay, I love you too, but just not in a marrying way." "Okay, bye." "You're the luckiest man in the world, Phil." "I am." "Thank you." "Alison's amazing." "Thank you, Patty." "Thank you, Dolores." "(Imitates Gunshot)" "He's knocked out, Phil." "Poor little guy." "I put him on his tummy so he doesn't choke on his puke." "Oh, God bless him." "Whatever happens, I got your back tonight. (Exhales)" "Just gotta get the keys, get the girl, and everything will be fine." "(Chuckles)" "You already got the girl, man." "Now take a look at this." "Your best friend is one handsome fella." "You look good, my friend." "Who's getting lucky tonight?" "You are, and hopefully I am too." "Ready?" "Ready?" "Best alliance in hip-hop." "Let's do this." "(Door Opens)" "(Door Closes)" "(Woman) Do you think it's gonna rain, honestly?" "My bangs are going crazy already." "I feel like my bangs are gonna ruin her wedding." "Dude, you canceled your makeup artist?" "It was the only thing I could still cancel and not have to pay." "What?" "Um, I just wanted someone in my family to do it." "Who?" "Uh, Lenka." "The mail order bride with the fake lashes?" "No." "You guys, she's not a mail order bride." "My stepmom invited her to live here." "To sell her." "I thought this was like a known fact, right?" "Guys, she's really good at makeup." "(Lenka)" "(Alison) You're quiet today." "Are you okay?" "Mark broke up with her." "Sean." "Nuh-uh." "Oh, my gosh." "I'm so sorry." "When did that happen?" "(Sean) He sent her a text message." "He has a butterfly tramp stamp." "(Sean) It's a gypsy moth." "Do you think that there's like another girl or something?" "(Lenka)" "Teera, I'm not trying to say... you can't keep your man or something, because you're gorgeous, but... it just doesn't even matter how pretty you are." "Think about it." "Sean Penn, Hugh Grant, Jude Law, Bill Clinton," "Ethan Hawke, Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, um, oh, my God" "Sandra Bullock's husband," "J.F.K., Shania Twain's husband," "John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chad Michael Murray" "Okay, stop." "Stop, stop, stop, stop." "Done?" "Okay." "Great." "Oh, it looks so awesome." "Thank you." "Thanks." "I go." "Bye-bye." "I-It's not good." "It's like a famous young gymnast." "(Mary) It's bad." "We have to take this off." "We'll just like" " We'll blend it a little." "No." "I want you to look at the camera so you can remember this on your video... and you can realize how right we were." "Look at this face." "Does it look good from far away?" "No." "No." "It doesn't look good." "He didn't even-- He just" "(Teera) Don't get your fing" "(Alison) Wait, where's the front?" "Here?" "Yeah." "You feel those like" "Don't mess up your hair." "(Mary) Yeah, watch your hair." "Little baby Alison." "Okay." "There we go." "There we go." "(Laughs) (Mary) Cute." "Hi." "How many in do you do?" "Um, as tight as it can go." "(Mary) Okay, ready?" "Suck in." "Oh, my God, sweetie." "Oh, my God." "(Sniffles) I'm gonna cry." "(Chuckles)" "I'm sorry." "I can't stop looking at your makeup." "(Bell Chiming) (Chattering)" "Hey, Mama." "Hey, Philip." "How are you?" "You look so good." "Oh, you look beautiful." "Look who I brought." "Look who I brought." "Oh." "Cameraman, come get these fine ladies over here." "This is my mom's Curves class." "Ladies, take a spin." "Show him what low-impact circuit training can do for a body." "(Women Chattering) Mmm." "Oh, yeah, that's it." "That's it, girls." "All right, enough of that." "Let's go inside." "(Vic Narrating) Phil's family wasn't a Norman Rockwell painting either." "His father died when Phil was only 13." "His mother never remarried, and Phil had to learn to be the man of the house." "(Man) Great." "Great." "Nice." "Nice." "(Shutter Clicking)" "(Phil Muttering) Good." "Please don't give my mom a seizure." "(Chuckles)" "Little excessive there." "That's my ma." "That's my boy." "Oh, hello." "Hi." "(Whispering) Can I just say," "I'm seeing a lot of calf muscle at this wedding." "Me likey." "Enjoy it." "Hey, look at this family." "Hi, sweetheart." "How ya doing?" "How's it going?" "Good." "How are you?" "You look sharp." "Thank you." "How's he doing?" "He's fine." "Little nervous." "(Vic) ...just say a few words for the bride and groom?" "Yeah." "Absolutely." "Hey, Phil and Alison." "Philly Phil." "We love you." "We love you." "Congratulations." "Come on over to the other side." "Married life is fantastic." "Do you see all of this?" "Come on, enjoy yourself." "Glowing." "All of this." "See that." "We are doing it." "That's later." "Save that for later." "Okay, yeah." "(Tyrone) Enjoy yourselves." "Enjoy yourselves." "Who is that?" "You have got to be kidding me." "You have got to be" " I'm not playing." "I don't even know who that is." "I can't." "I'm sorry." "I need to go back upstairs." "(Chattering) (Mary) Watch the dress." "(Chattering)" "Just a glass of water." "And maybe like a shot of tequila." "Tequila." "(Alison Sobs) It's okay." "There he is." "Look who it is." "Not shaved." "Hobo wedding." "(Vic Narrating) Remember Phil's boss, Damian?" "I like the argyle." "I tend to go for a sort of stripe." "I have something important to ask you." "I want you to be my best man." "You want me to what?" "I want you to be my best man." "You're joking." "No, you know, I was thinking I wasn't gonna have one, and then I started thinking about Dad... and everything you've done for me and" "I'd love to do it... been a big part of my life." "Do I get to give a speech though?" "You get to give a speech, and then, here." "You get to hold on to these." "Oh, the ringmaster." "The ringmaster." "So when we get on altar" "On the altar, you're gonna be right-- to the right of me." "I'll do that." "When we call for you, just pass 'em." "Thank you so much, Damian." "(Exhales) Yes." "(Alison) It's just nerves, that's all it was." "I'm just a little stressed right now." "I'm sorry." "Alison, I once watched Chad Fetzer punch you in the boob... while he was shrooming, and you apologized." "Not today." "It's your wedding day." "No "sorrys" on your wedding day." "(Chuckling) Okay." "Sor" " No." "Here, have one." "What is it?" "Nerve pills." "I take one when it's busy at the one-hour photo." "Guys, you gotta stay calm, right?" "This is about keeping it together right now." "Right?" "Not letting our nerves get the better of us." "We're all scared." "(Sean) It's totally fine to take something." "Totally." "(Mary) Heck, I want one." "Yeah, I want one too." "(Teera) I kinda want one too." "Me three." "(Alison) Here, I'll take an extra." "(Woman Sighs) Let's relax." "(Brian) There's Alison. (Sighs)" "There she is." "Oh, God." "She's like Lucy Lawless on her wedding day to Hercules." "(Giggles) Let's" " Oh, my God." "Hold on." "Look at-- And the pearls" "Ah." "Ohh. (Mary) Who is this guy?" "Sorry, dear, my lady." "Ooh." "(Brian) That's not Phil." "Shh." "(Chattering)" "♪ (Organ: "Ave Maria")" "Hey, Alison." "What?" "(Laughing)" "♪ (Organ Continues) (Birds Twittering)" "(Mike) Hey, Phil." "Yo!" "They're here." "(Groans)" "They're here already?" "It's go time, man." "All right, here we go." "(Bell Chiming)" " (Man) Big smile." "Big smile." " (Shutter Clicking)" "(Woman) Oh, my gosh." "(Shutter Continues)" "Oh, bridesmaids?" "Bridesmaids, can I get, uh-- a picture of you guys?" "Mommy." "Oh, my God." "Your face." "Yeah, can you gimme a baby wipe?" "Oh, thank God." "Yes." "(Whispering) I have makeup with me." "Okay?" "Right back." "Uh-huh." "Okay." "God." "Here, put your head down a little bit, dear." "I wanna get this blue away." "(Chattering) ♪ (Continues)" "If Jesus ever saw this place, he'd throw himself back on the cross." "It's Alison's dad's old army church." "You guys ever get random pain in your butthole?" "What do you mean by random?" "Like a sharp, shooting pain?" "(Minister) It's showtime, boys." "(Phil) Showtime." "Here we go." "All right, here we go." "Last chance, Phil." "Last chance to back out." "No backing out, Damian." "If I get a little emotional out there, guys, just, uh" "(Mike) Punch you in the back of the head?" "Right in the kidney." "Yeah." "Donkey punch style." "Okay, just like the rehearsal." "Five." "Five." "Five!" "Marriage is a difficult enterprise to enter into-- for any two people, especially young people, whose lives are ahead of them, and they may not know which direction they're going in." "But these two-- (Alison) Are you okay?" "I'll be fine." "Really seem to have their heads on straight about it." "We are so privileged because they have written their own vows today, which I think is incredibly special... and a wonderful sign of their commitment to each other." "Philip, would you like to tell your vows to Alison now?" "(Phil) Yes." "(Clears Throat)" "(Woman Sneezes)" "Sorry." "One second." "(Minister) Technology" "A blessing and a curse." "(Chuckles) (Clears Throat)" "(Exhales) Okay." ""In the presence of God... and all our families and friends," "I, Philip Havemeyer-- Phil-- choose you, Alison Jones, to be my wife, to respect you in your successes and failures," "to cherish you, to nurture you, to make you those gluten-free nachos you love so much" "(Guests Chuckling) and to grow with you throughout eternity." "Alison, you're the best, and I love you." "(Guests Murmuring)" "(Minister) That was beautiful, Philip." "Thank you." "Alison, your vows?" "I, Alison Jones, take you, Philip Havemeyer, to have and to hold, forever." "I love you... forever." "(Exhales)" "(Person Coughs) (Minister) Good." "Inasmuch as Alison and Phil have grown in knowledge and love of one another... because they have agreed in their desire to go forward in life together... seeking an ever-richer, deepening relationship, and because they have pledged themselves... to meet sorrow and joy as one family," "we rejoice to recognize them as joined together in marriage." "You may kiss the-- (Loud Crack)" "(Man) Holy shit!" "(Clamoring)" "(Minister) You know what?" "I don't like to be under it." "(Man) Get away from it." "(Woman Cackling)" "(Minister) If it falls, I don't want it to fall on you." "It is with great pleasure that I finally get to introduce you... to Mr. and Mrs. Philip and Alison Havemeyer." "♪ (Organ: "Wedding March") This is where we clap." "(Guests Applauding)" "(Photographer) Perfect." "Excellent." "Excellent." "Looks great." "Um, can we take one with just my original parents?" "Sure." "My biological parents?" "Okay." "Good." "Big smiles." "Big smiles." "Squeeze in a little bit more." "Alison, suck in those arms." "I need you to suck in those arms." "Real tight." "Nice, perfect." "Oh, that" " Good, good." "Suck 'em in." "All right." "All right, this is good." "(Cheering, Clapping) Ah, the carriage awaits." "You wanna go all the way in to the left." "(Laughing)" "(Indistinct)" "(Cheering Continues)" "Hey, what are you looking at me for?" "Get over there!" "Go." "(Alison) This is bad." "We are bad." "We are going to hell." "(Phil) Oh, my God." "We are going to hell, driven in this carriage." "We are gonna see my dad a lot sooner than I thought." "Jesus is T.O.'d." "Jesus is meeting us at the hotel in approximately 25 minutes." "No, Jesus is gonna come to our reception and turn our wine into water, because he is pissed." "Is this acid rain I'm feeling?" "Acid raindrops." "No, it's Jesus' tears." "Oh, my God." "Look at this guy." "Wow, you guys really are trying to get everything here, huh?" "♪ (Piano:" "Jazz)" "(Photographer) You know, I, uh" " I'm not really into shooting weddings." "I like the human form." "I like contours." "I like capturing the way the body curves." "Especially in the boudoir." "In a bedroom setting, you know?" "(Chattering)" "(Phil) Are you all right?" "(Bottles Clank)" "(Exhales)" "Hey, I just wanna let you know, we're gonna go to the liquor store to buy some booze." "'Cause the hotel's charging like $12 for rum. (Both) What?" "We paid for an open bar." "I paid for an open bar." "Yeah, who has a wedding without an open bar?" "Uh, it's a little weird." "Okay, here." "Let me get your dress." "Okay." "Did you try running the thing again?" "Did you call them?" "This has gotta be some kinda glitch with the credit card company." "You can't-- There's nothing we can do?" "Look how beautiful she looks." "Right?" "Cash bar at a wedding?" "That's like the lowest of the low." "I'll do checks." "Checks?" "(Vic) Is there anything you'd like to say to the bride and groom?" "Yes, Philip and Alison-- what a great couple." "(No Audible Dialogue) Lovely, lovely couple." "We love them so much." "They're working so hard on this wedding." "You know, it's quite a chore, and they're doing this all for us... and we wanna help." "It would be an honor if they would let us do that." "That's a lot of booze." "Yeah." "You think that's enough for like two weddings?" "Definitely." "♪ (Continues)" "Move." "Move." " Who's thirsty?" " (Guests Cheering)" "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry." "There was a small, little thing with the hotel." "And now the drinks are all free, so please, drink up." "Take advantage of this." "(Man) ...the guy, okay?" "There are boxes missing here." "Okay, there's supposed to be, like, at least seven boxes here." "I'm only seeing four." "These are just the mixers." "I need the alcohol." "(Stammers)" "(Vic) Do you guys wanna say something to the bride and groom?" "Hey, Allie, how's it going?" "You remember how everyone used to say that I was in love with you?" "Because I would, you know, walk you to class, and then, you know, to work, and then back to your apartment and stuff?" "That's crazy, right?" "(Indistinct)" "I don't wanna sit here." "Do you want me to say something?" "Congratulations." "Thanks for inviting us." "And for my husband's promotion to best man." "I suppose that means we can't leave early. (Chuckles)" "(Sighs)" "Are you wearing some of that, like, shimmering stuff?" "Yeah." "It looks great." "Thanks." "Oh, butterfly." "I'm pretty limber for a guy my size." "You should come to yoga with me." "Yoga?" "Yeah." "You're already making me wear pink, and now I gotta go to yoga?" "Okay." "Please join me, ladies and gentlemen, as we welcome our newlywed couple," " Phil and Alison Havemeyer!" " (Guests Cheering)" "♪ (Band:" "Dance) Whoo!" "As they take their first dance as husband and wife." "Sir?" "Sir, if you could just clear the dance floor." "Sir." "I like your moves, buddy, but now's not your time." "(Man) ♪ Today's the day" "♪ When everyone really loves (Continues)" "(Alison)" "(Phil)" "(Alison)" "(Phil)" "(Alison Laughs)" "Look at the camera real quick." "Say hi." "Hi." "How you doing, Laurie?" "Hi." "You enjoying that?" "Good, 'cause I paid for it." "Are you enjoying the food?" "Guys, really, honestly, eat everything in sight." "Thank you." "No, I'm serious, because they don't let me take the leftovers home." "That was like a big issue with me." "Okay, I'm gonna save most of this for my speech, Alison." "Honestly, thank God for your wedding... because there are so many guys here, and I need to have sex with somebody." "How old are you?" "I could sleep with you. (Laughs)" "Jailbait." "I'm kidding." "I'm kidding." "I mean, so, seriously, don't worry about me." "I'll find someone to sleep with, and I hope that you have a great time." "I love you." "You're my best friend." "Mwah!" "(No Audible Dialogue)" "(Slurring) Alison and I were walking alone along the beach." "I looked behind us, and I noticed... that for every good memory there were two foots of-- sets of footprints." "One was mine and one was Alison's, and I turned to Alison and I said," ""Alison, how come in the hardest, uh, saddest times of my life," "I was just walking alone?" "Did you leave me?"" "And she said, "No, of course not." "You're my best friend." "It was that time that I carried you."" "Congratulations, and I am so honored to be your maid of honor." "Love you." "Congratulations." "Cheers!" "All right." "Lots to think about." "And now, our best man," "Chris Benashnaz-- No." "No, no." "(Whispering)" "Oh!" "I'm sorry." "It's okay." "Sorry." "Damian Haines, ladies and gentlemen." "Damian Haines." "Thank you." "Is this on?" "Is this on?" "Right, I'm not gonna try and top Mary's speech because I'm not mad." "Uh, okay, what about this?" "I always think... that a woman is like a nice bit of property." "You always want what's a little bit outside your reach." "Let's be honest." "She's quite a nice-looking girl." "Pretty, not beautiful." "Girl next door." "Very appealing." "And he's like this massive Snuffleupagus... on his hind legs." "(Scattered Laughter)" "But it's not about looks." "Right, let's get up here." "We're gonna do a toast." "Come on." "Enough eating." "There's enough type 2 diabetes in here already." "Yes." "What's that joke?" "It's an American joke." "Um" "May all your ups and downs" "I don't know the joke." "It's an American sex joke." "So, let's-- be all your ups and downs be sex." "All right." "Brilliant." "Cheers." "Come on." "All right, get it down your necks." "Thank you." "(Damian) I thought that was pretty good." "I mean, I didn't expect any less, to be honest." "The one thing, I was thinking, maybe I should have done something about kids." "You know, I got two kids." "Two little girls." "But then I thought, you know what?" "To be honest with yourself, Damian," "I'm ambivalent about the kids bit." "Um, can I have my wife up here with me for this?" "Honey?" "(Scattered Applause)" "Alison, Helen and I would like to take this time... to tell you that we love you and we're proud of you, and we want you to come over for dinner more." "Can do." "Okay." "Well, cheers." "Everybody have fun." "(Man) ♪ Nothin' could ever change" "♪ A daddy's love for you" "♪ But even all the storms" "♪ (Disco)" "(Men Whooping)" "(Man) Whoa!" "(No Audible Dialogue)" "♪ (Continues, Faint)" "Hey, man." "Let me ask you something." "Totally random." "Do you think I'm gay?" "I" " I don't know." "A little." "(Door Opens)" "♪ (Dance:" "Woman Singing, Indistinct)" "Don't go snorkeling with this man here." "♪ (Stops)" "Let me tell you, that wasn't the first time I saw Phil's penis" "(Laughing) but it was the most memorable." "Am I right?" "Cut it, cut it, cut it." "Come on, Bena." "Wrong time." "Come this way." "It was" " Maybe I" "We got a special surprise for you." "There was a setup to that joke." "Harvey Wallbangers." "(British Accent) Oi, oi, mate!" "Well, it's my best friend in the whole world." "That's very unlikely, mate." "Excuse us, Damian." "Come on." "We got some drinking to do." "No, this guy" "(Man) Did you see the new Battlestar?" "Can we have three shots, please?" "He's from Newark." "He's not from Newark." "(Whispering) This is the best Chinese food in Newark." "(Shouting In Chinese)" "You feeling all right, man?" "You know, you missed the ceremony." "I know." "My mom would be so disappointed in me." "No, she wouldn't." "We all love you." "No one's disappointed in you." "Bena, you know what else you missed?" "The Mexican hat dance." "Come on, buddy." "It's just not a wedding without one." "All right." "You lead." "You lead." "Ready?" "Two, dos, tres." "♪ (Vocalizing Mexican Song)" "Ah!" "Hey!" "Three more, please." "Make his a double, if you don't mind." "Rack 'em up." "Make sure baby gets his bottle." "I got this." "I'm the billiards meister tonight." "Come on, Bena." "What do you say?" "One more." "♪ (Man Rapping, Indistinct)" "(Whooping)" "Break to the beat on three, two" "Three, two, one." "Get funky with it." "Alison looks gorgeous." "Absolutely gorgeous." "Although I was a little concerned when we got the "save the date."" "She looks gorgeous." "Did you screw my wife?" "It's okay if you did." "I just wanna know." "(Vic) No." "No." "No." "Well, why not?" "She sure was into you." "And about a half dozen other guys." "Okay, so this will be, like, really quick." "So what do you wanna do for Alison?" "I'm gonna go first, same as before." "That guy is such a creep." "I can't believe she invited him." "Who is that guy?" "Don't tell Alison this." "I went to his house, 'cause he was the closest person to have sex with" "That thing on the Internet?" "So I went to his house, and he made me open all his mail naked." "♪ (Dance:" "Woman Vocalizing)" "♪ (Woman Singing, Indistinct)" "(Vic) How ya feeling?" "How am I feeling?" "You see this sweat?" "I'm great!" "Can I get one more, please?" "Do you wanna see the inside of a spaceship?" "Neither do I." "Hey, "camarone."" "I don't wanna be a surgeon general about this, but that's a health code violation." "You got a spoon" "(Crowd Cheering)" "We love you, Alison!" "Love you!" "You are a really, really good wife." "And you look really beautiful as a bride." "You look so pretty." "Hey, nice dress." "Nice dress." "No thanks to you guys." "I was not a part of that." "What?" "Dos cerveza, por favor." "You look great tonight." "Honestly, prettiest bride I've ever worked with." "Look, I wanna thank you again for inviting me." "Most clients don't do that." "You are so much more than just a florist." "Look, um, I have something for you." "I didn't want to pull it out too early." "It's in the van." "Remind me later." "Ooh, what is it?" "Tell me." "Nah, nah." "Just be patient." "I'll bring it out later." "She's having fun." "She's supposed to get drunk and not remember any of this." "And that's why she has the video." " This should not be in it." " I'm just saying." "I'm glad you have this video 'cause you're not gonna remember any of this." "♪ (Disco)" "♪ Can't get this song out of your head ♪" "♪ Keep moving Hands in the air ♪" "♪ You can sleep when you are dead ♪" "♪ I'll show you the way" "♪ 'Cause I'm here to stay" "♪ (Continues) (No Audible Dialogue)" "♪ We're breaking the mold" "I wanna make love to your wedding!" "Yeah!" "I have no idea who that guy is!" "(Squealing)" "(Phil) This wedding thing just spiralled out of control, Damian, and it's really just a timing thing, I swear." "You know what I'm capable of." "You know my work ethic." "We're gonna get this money back." "The Midguard development's about to close." "We're gonna be flush." "The money's coming in." "I know this isn't a big deal to you, Damian." "What do you honestly think I'm gonna say to that?" "You're gonna say-- Yes!" "I'm your best man." "Come here, you daft bastard." "Look at him, the poor sod, begging in a hotel toilet on his wedding day." "I know, I know." "Right." "Let's go tell 'em." "Let's go tell 'em." "We'll do the deed." "Okay, everybody." "Okay, everybody." "Move aside." "Move aside." "Red Sea, part." "Here comes Moses." "We've got a little announcement to make tonight." "Where's the bride?" "Where's the blushing bride?" "Alice." "Alice." "(Phil) Alison." "Alison." "Alice is short for Alison." "Anyway, we've got something rather special to say to you." "This wonderful man, with a bit of help, admittedly, from yours truly, has done something rather wonderful today." "He has bought you a-- drumroll-- a house." "(Cheering) A whole house, everybody." "A little one, but a whole house." "Yes." "A little place to call your own." "A little place" "Thank you, Damian." "Whoo!" "I'm nervous." "I feel like I'm proposing again." "Um, Alison" "(Sighs) Do you remember that beautiful little house... on 41 Gregor Way that, um, we walked past... for the last year, and you told me how much you love it, and it's got the beautiful baby blue shutters that I said match your eyes?" "(Sighs) Well" "That's our house, baby." "(Cheering, Applauding)" "We need to talk." "Right now?" "Yeah." "Okay, let's go talk." "(Cheering)" "Can you guys just give us a few seconds, like" "Just don't film this part." "Like, just don't film this part." "Good?" "Come on." "I'm not missing this for shit." "This is gonna be my masterpiece." "(Sighs)" "I wanna marry you." "I wanna make it official." "I want the world to know that I'm your husband." "All we have to do is sign." "But why did you go along with everything?" "When have I not had your back?" "I love you." "And if something were to happen to me, like, you know, I fell off the back of a yacht... and ended up in some hospital in the deep South with amnesia." "That's the plot of Overboard." "And Kurt and Goldie are still going strong." "But they're not married." "'Cause they're a bunch of pussies." "Let's get married, baby, and let's live in this house... happily ever after." "You and me, F-U-C-K-I-N-G." "(Chuckles)" "♪ (Grows Louder)" "Are you guys back there?" "Oh, there you are." "(Alison) What's happening?" "We're dead tired." " (Mouthing Words)" " That was a great, great party." "Are you guys taking off already?" "Yeah." "Yeah." " Did you have a good time?" " Sure, sure." "It was fun, right?" "It was beautiful." "You're leaving?" "Doesn't she look good?" "Dad, it's so early." "There's something that we wanna give you from both of us." "We love you very much, and we're proud of you, tall man." "Oh, Hugh." "Oh, thank you." "That is" "We don't want it." " Don't you think we should talk about this?" " There you are." " I'm looking for you." " Oh, well, you found us." "And you're not gonna leave until I have a dance with Helena." "Right?" "Come on." "Come on, Hughie." "Let's go." "Come on." "You haven't danced all night." "You're gonna come dance with me." "All right." "What the-- (Bleeps) Alison?" "What?" "I know you have your daddy issues and all" " My daddy issues?" "Shut up, Phil!" "God forbid anybody do anything nice for us." "You know what?" "I have worked hard so I can pay for this wedding ourselves." "Oh, oh." "Now you're just getting mean." "You know what?" "I agreed to your evil plan." "I" " I get my heart broken on our wedding day." "And now you want me to be broke too?" "Come on, Al!" "So what if your parents aren't together?" "So what if your dad is boning some Eastern European lady who talks funny?" "At least he's here for you." "Grow up!" "Get over it." "(Groans)" "Are you guys still filming this?" "Can you just" " Can you just focus on our guests for a little while, please?" "This is not" " I don't wanna see this in the movie." "How's it going?" "Pretty great, thanks." "Listen, don't do anything stupid." "What the hell are you talking about?" "It's not worth it, Alison." "Uh-huh." "Your flowers!" "(Grunts)" "(Rapping) ♪ Booty rockin' Show stopping' ♪" "♪ Everybody back poppin'" "♪ Knees jerkin', girls workin'" "♪ Work it till your stomach hurting' ♪" "♪ Don't stop Gotta get it, get it ♪" "♪ Break it off till your body's sweatin' ♪" "♪ Everybody watchin'" "♪ Let them know you worth it Dust it off and jerk it ♪" "♪ Jerk it, jerk it Dust it off and jerk it ♪" "♪ (Continues, Indistinct)" "No!" "Ugh." "♪ Let it go till your body hurt ♪" "Alison?" "Florist?" "Florist!" "Ladies and gentlemen, if you love Phil and Alison, make some noise!" " This is from Alison?" "This is the surprise cake?" " Yeah." "I love my iPhone." "She hates it when I" "Right." "And that's for a little cake for her." "Of course." "Um" "Is there a special way we're supposed to do this, or" "However you want to cut it, Phil." "Okay." "(Woman) Where is Alison?" "Will you help me find" " Teera went to get her." "She went to get her." "(Sighs) All right." "Here we go." "We'll start here on this end." "All right." "Well, hey." "And that one." "I wish my wife was here." "All right." "These three are mine." "(Chuckling)" "What are you laughing at?" "You've never seen anybody eat" "Alison's here right now, right, we're" "(Chuckling Continues)" "I love it." "(Man) ♪ Why in the world do I love you like I do, baby?" "♪" "Eat, please." "(Bena) This is America." "It's a wedding." "It's not a" " It's not a free-for-all buffet... where you come and go as you damn well please, you know?" "Right?" "Am I right?" "Don't tell me." "I know I'm right." "'Cause why would you go to a haberdasher to get your shoes done?" "That's what a cobbler's for." "You know, it makes no sense." "Oh!" "Oh!" "No, thank you!" "No, no!" "(Bena) You know, I'd drink my own tears for this country." "That's the state of the union that we're in." "And it's like P-I-C-S-H." "Play it cool, hotshot." "(Imitates Gunshot)" "That was weird." "Uh, that's why you would never send your shoes" "Hey, sticky fingers!" "I see what you're doing." "Yeah?" "What of it?" "Give us" " You're taking our wine." "Give us our wine back." "Does this look like wine?" "It's whiskey, and, yeah, I'm taking it." "Well, first off, yes, it looks like wine." "And second off, who are you?" "Prince Albert in a can?" "No." "My character's name is Thantos, all right?" "Give me this!" "Whoa, whoa." "Put it back down." "Give it to me!" "No." "There goes your hat!" "How you gonna marry people in space?" "I guess we're gonna find out, aren't we?" "Man, the Sasquatch is running amok." "Amok." "(Arguing)" "(Clamoring) What the hell are you doing?" "Stop it!" "Stop, stop!" "(Shouting)" "(Screaming) No, no, no!" "Goddamn it!" "(All Shouting)" "(Screams) Let go of my sister!" "(All Screaming)" "I don't wanna fight you!" "I don't wanna fight you." "I don't wanna fight you guys." "Aw, shit." "(Shouting Continues)" "(Angry Screaming)" "(Shouts) (Groans)" "(Angry Shouting)" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" " (Man) Can't do it, man." " That's my best man in there, you know?" "He's really not some crazy animal of a dude." "He's just a high school teacher." "We were having a great time." "Come on." "You know how this goes, Owen." "It's different circumstances now." "I have a new partner." "The training process is-- I'm Phil." "Nice to meet you." "How's the townhouse?" "Right?" "The ladies love it, right?" "Come on, Owen." "I'm asking you for a favor on my wedding day." "I never asked you for a-- (Bleeps) I know this is out of line." "What is this-- (Bleeps) a reality show?" "These-- (Bleeps) cameras for?" "All right, guys." "Can you back off a little bit, please?" "Just let me handle this." "Get that out of my face, man." "It's my wedding videographers." "Go grab this guy." "What's this guy's name?" "Bena." "Please." "(Sighs)" "Let's go, Bena." "I appreciate it." "Get him upstairs." "All right." "Get a couple pills in him." "Whatever you gotta do." "All right." " All right?" "I can't get phone calls" " I promise." "I am so sorry." "Just grab him and get him out of here." "All right?" "And get these cameras too." "Just go see Mike." "Okay." "(Phil) Fellas, thank you." "Just trying to help." "All right." "Bye, guys." "Thank you!" "Thank you so much." "Thank you." "That's the best party I've ever been to in my entire life." "I really wasn't much of a partyer in my youth." "But it would have been really the best party I've ever been to... even if I were Hugh Hefner, Mick Jagger," "Huey Lewis, whoever." "'Cause that was my little girl's party." "The one where she joined together with someone else to make a life." "He's a lucky guy." "I'm proud of you, Scooter." "And I will love you forever, no matter what." "Forever." "(Vic) That's it?" "(Laughs)" "Okay." "Well, thank you." "Sure." "Okay." "All right." "Here." "I'll get-- I'll get this." "(Door Closes)" "Damian." "You guys taking off?" "We gotta scoot, mate." "Did you have a good time?" "Yes, marvelous." "Look, I'm sorry about that little thing at the end." "No, don't worry about it." "I like a fight at a wedding, actually." "Breaks up the endless hours of boredom." "So listen, is it cool if I come by Monday morning and grab that check?" "Um," "I think I got a little bit caught up in the festivities." "Caught up in the festivities?" "What I mean is, um, I don't really do that, like give money to people for no reason." "There was a good reason." "We" " We just announced it to everybody in" "Shh." "What I'm saying, Phil" "I don't think you quite understand." "It's complicated." "It's not easy." "You can't have the money." "I'm sorry." "(Wife Shouting) Kids have pony practice in the morning." "You're gonna get a lot of this." "Be prepared for it." "Dude." "Man, I want you to know..." "I'm, like, all Red Bull and vodka, like, all the time now, man." "I need you to tell me we're okay." "I just can't believe I passed out... on Phil Havemeyer's wedding." "Look, Bena, come on." "Don't worry about this." "Listen." "Never again, bro." "Let's sit down." "Never again." "From now on, man, I am like the most caffeinated mother-father... you're ever gonna meet." "Just sit." "I got a confession to make." "All right?" "You know, I actually thought that if I got this house, everything would be fine." "You know?" "All back together." "I don't even know where my fake wife is." "Is this the British dude?" "Damian." "The one from the bachelor party?" "The big head." "Yeah." "Hold on a minute." "I need to get my cell phone." "I'll catch up with you later." "Wait, Bena." "You're not mad?" "(Running Footsteps)" "(Chattering)" "On seven." "I've got a great view." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Yo, Bri, have you seen Alison anywhere?" "No." "Um, have you seen Lenka?" "Excuse me." "I would like to buy the groom a bourbon." "And this kid-- Come on over." "Got one for you too." "Is he even old enough to drink, Bri?" "There's a drinking age?" "(Chuckles)" "Sometimes I feel you don't know when I'm joking." "Big brother to the rescue, Bri." "Hey." "It's weird you're calling me big." "Let me tell you a thing or two about my sister, Alison Jones." "She craves stimulation." "The kind of stuff that smart people do... to keep from being bored." "So my advice to you, Phil, is... don't be afraid to spice it up." "(Blowing) Add a little of this, a little of that." " Do it sideways." " I get it." "Yeah." "Yeah, you do." "This is good, man." "Yeah, you do." "I've never said that." ""Yeah, you do."" "Take my wife, as an example." "Lenka." "You might think I don't even like her." "And under different circumstances, it might be true." "But we are not afraid to spice it up, Phil." "We are not" "(Bottles Clinking) (Phil) Uh-oh." "(Mike) I said "spice" one too many times." "(Vic) I'd like to take this moment to state that I do not regret anything" "Rules are made to be broken, especially when what you're about to get is solid gold." "You wanna make a movie?" "Yeah, I think we are making a movie." "Okay." "Come here." "Give it to me." "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." "I'm gonna be Kim K. and you be Ray J. Okay." "(Knocking) Oh, wait." "Hold on." "Someone's here." "Where?" "Come on." "Get in the closet." "Keep the camera rolling." "Come on, come on." "It'll be really sexy." "I don't wanna get in the closet." "See you soon." "Please, don't do-- Bye." "Hey." "(Alison) Hey." "Have you seen Phil?" "What's the matter, baby cakes?" "I can't find him anywhere." "(Bena) You know that I know... that you know-- (David) Oh, God." "That I have some footage from the bachelor party." "(Retches)" "(Bena) Well, it's footage that hasn't been seen, but definitely could be seen, if you know what I mean." "Mm-hmm." "Well, just to be clear," "I would definitely like to blackmail you." "I can't believe you faked it." "I freaked out." "It was such an awesome party too." "That was our goal." "Taking the pressure off of getting married for real... let us just focus on our guests... and make sure that we threw a really good party." "You are such an idiot." "What?" "That's not why people had a great time." "Yes, it was." "We took care of everything." "No." "They had a great time because they believed in what they were celebrating." "You and Phil have the kind of relationship that makes you both better, and everyone in that room would kill to have what you guys have." "You could have had a potluck in a nursing home, and it still would have been the same level of awesome." "So, what?" "Now you're in love with the florist?" "No." "Where did you go then?" "To his van." "He showed me his penis, and then I crossed a highway alone and ate 14 doughnuts." "That's so gross." "I know." "And dramatic." "I know." "I really love Phil." "I don't know." "I just-- I feel like I'm lost." "I just feel like I'm in this tornado and I can't get out." "It's okay." "I really should get back to my wedding, shouldn't I?" "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "Okay." "I'm gonna take these with me." "(Paper Rustling)" "(Door Opens)" "(Door Closes) Come out, come out, wherever you are." "You're so sexy." "You wanna do this now?" "Yeah." "(Chuckling)" "Aw, shit." "I just got a red light." "Oh." "Are you serious?" "My battery's out." "Yeah, I gotta get another battery in the van." "Darn!" "I'm sorry." "The biggest thing is that I just feel like my head... is just so much higher than everyone else's, and I'm just, like, looking down at the world. (Whooping)" "Aw, shoot." "Is that Bena?" "What happened?" "What happened to him?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "I wanted to shoot him naked." "(Mutters)" "All right. (David) Congratulations" "I'm gonna get him." "On your marriage." "Ah, thank you." "Can I help you?" "Whoa!" "(Shouting, Indistinct)" "Whoa!" "Whoa, whoa!" "Just let me get him up to the suite." "Just don't call the cops." "We have to call the cops or the E.M.T.s." "It's what I do." "I'm begging you." "If this guy can say his name, I'm gonna let you have him." "Bena." "Bena." "Bridge." "Just say your name, Bena." "Just say your name!" "Tell us your name." "Sounded like his dental school." "Say your name, Bena." "Tell us your name, damn it!" "I'm Phil Havemeyer's best man." "Mom." "Where have you been?" "Oh, you don't wanna know." "♪ (Piano:" "Light Jazz)" "This morning, I had to accept the possibility... that you might be a runaway bride." "I was worried." "Why" "Why would you-- 'Cause I know you, sweetie." "But I'm just so glad that in the end, you chose Phil." "Because Phil knows you, and he loves you for that." "And I love Phil just for that very reason." "And I'm so proud of you, and I'm so happy for you and Phil." "(Siren Wailing)" "(Alison) Whenever I'm lost... or whenever I'm alone," "Phil is always there for me." "I don't know what I would do without him." "I would" " I don't even wanna think about it." "It's a check from me, your father... and the Czech." "(Chuckles)" "She chipped in." "(Alison) Phil, can we please talk?" "Alone, please." "You know, I just felt like shit keeping all that from you." "And" " Such a crazy day." "Oh, Phil, I don't care about the money." "You don't?" "Everybody cares a little bit about the money." "No, Phil, we've always been fine with money." "The last thing I want is for us to be broke and broken up." "That" " That can't happen." "We're good with money." "What is so messed up" "I was actually really happy when I gained all that weight... and got bacne and grew that cyst." "I was happy because I'm crazy... and because I thought that you would leave me." "I just felt, like, well, he's gonna leave me eventually, so it may as well happen before we're married." "I just hope you can just forgive me." "I'm just so sorry for, like, being such a crazy person." "And through everything, you've always had my back." "I love you so much, and I do not wanna lose you." "I wanna do this." "You wanna marry me?" "Yes." "So go ahead and ask." "Phil Havemeyer, will you" " Yes, Alison Jones?" "Will you be my wife?" "I would love to be your wife." "You know, I have the marriage contract in my pocket still." "All we need is a pen and a witness." "We don't have a witness." "I bet you that crazy videographer's somewhere around here" "I don't think-- hiding in the bushes or something." "Look!" "Look at him right there!" "I told you." "You hired him." "Oh!" "(Whispers) Over here." "You spying on us again?" "Sorry." "We need you this time." "Come on." "Hit the light for me, buddy." "And can I get a pen?" "Yeah." "You are a witness... to" "I now pronounce us" " I now pronounce you-- (Chuckles)" "(Together) husband and wife." "You may kiss the bride." "It's official." "And he's our witness." "(Phone Buzzes) Oh, shit." "It's Damian." "I'm not taking it." "No." "No, take it." "I'm not gonna take it." "No, I'm serious." "Take it." "You serious?" "Yes." "Damian, you get home safely?" "What?" "Yeah, that's amazing." "That would really be helpful." "All right." "I-I'll see you Monday then." "Thank you." " Damian just gave me an advance." " Really?" "We're back in action, baby." "God, that's weird." "I wonder what made him change his mind." "Well, just to be clear, I would definitely like to blackmail you." "(Slurping)" "(Vic) After hearing his buddy's heartbreak," "Bena was determined to set things right- with the help of some incriminating footage from Phil's bachelor party." "I got a condo back in 2008." "I think you'd like it." "I'm not wrong, right?" "We're mates now, right?" "Yeah." "Ronnie the coke dealer!" "This isn't Ron the coke dealer's house." "(Sighs) (Bena) Doesn't look like it, no." "Come here." "I love you, man." "You know what?" "With me, I stick at it." "So you're stuck with me now for the rest of your life." "(Driver) Hard to find good friends." "They are hard to find." "(Bena) Oh, Darren, I love you." "I hope you're hungry." "I hope you're really, really hungry." "This is the special rice?" "It's Uncle Ben's." "Oh, she's hilarious." "I love it." "Chinese sense of humor." "Come here, darling." "Come and sit with your daddy." "Come on, love." "She loves me, this one." "She really does." "Aah!" "Noodle, noodle." "Take a picture with your phone of me and my second family." "Damian, come over." "Come over and get in." "♪ (Woman Vocalizing:" "Pop)" "(Phil) This is a very famous hotel." "There's been more adultery and affairs that have gone on" "I think Robert Redford very famously had an affair here." "Really?" "How do you know this?" " There's a couple plaques in the lobby that say all of this." "Plaques in the lobby." "I wouldn't want it any other way, I don't think." "Yeah." "It was awesome." "I mean, I don't think our guests are really gonna ever forget that day, and I know I won't." "Hey, ladies." "Wakey-wakey!" "Hi!" "The hotel's not gonna forget it." "They let me know they're not gonna forget it." "My people." "Hey." "There he is." "You're looking very fresh." "You two killed it last night on the dance floor." "We probably won't be staying here any time soon, but, um" "But that's okay 'cause we're going to Naples." "That's right." "Florida." "Naples." "Remember that sophisticated lady, the one who was looking me up and down all night?" "Sophisticated lady?" "You mean that hot old chick?" "There she is right there." "(Phil) Oh, dude." "That's my second cousin's wife." "Not cool." "That's her son in the wheelchair." "Is he, like, handicapped?" "No, he's just depressed." "(Alison) Have you guys seen my brother and his wife?" "We're fearing the worst." "They're right there, baby." "And it looks like they're getting along really well." "(Alison) That's bizarre." "No, I get it." "Sometimes you just gotta make it work." "Are you okay, Mary?" " Yeah, what happened?" " You don't wanna know." "I had fun." "I had so much fun." "(Phil) Just a lot of dancing, lot of-- (Alison) Drinking." "A lot of eating." "A lot of shots." "Hopefully not a lot of suing." "That would really suck." "Yeah." "(Vic) What I said before is true." "(Horn Honks)" "Shuttle's here." "Weddings make people go insane." "But an even deeper truth is this:" "You have to already be insane to get married at all... because only a crazy person would actually believe... that they could be happy with one person for the rest of their lives." "Only the crazies do it." "And you know what?" "Only the craziest succeed." "These two-- I think they got a shot." "♪ You gotta know" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ I love you so" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ You gotta know" "♪ Never wanted anyone but you" "♪ If you look the other way" "♪ I'll come again another day" "♪ There's no turnin' There's no turnin' ♪" "♪ I can't turn away" "(Brian Speaking)" "Yeah." "CLOSED-CAPTIONED BY CAPTIONS, INC., BURBANK, CA" "(Alison's Father) I'm so proud of you, Scooter." "(Man) ♪ Today's the day when everyone you've ever loved ♪" "♪ Surrounds you" "♪ And the sun in your hair" "♪ Brings a smile to his face You're not alone ♪" "♪ There's a lot that we can't know ♪" "♪ So take the hand of the only man ♪" "♪ Speak your mind The world is ear to ground ♪" "Alison, you're the best." "I love you." "I love you forever." "Philip, please place this ring on Alison's finger." "Alison, please place the ring on Philip's finger." "♪ You are beautiful summer" "Mr. and Mrs. Phil and Alison Havemeyer." "(Applause) ♪ Fall, autumn and wine" "(Cheering)" "♪ When, when you have found that someone ♪" "♪ Who loves you for all that you are ♪" "♪ Come on, tell her she's the only one ♪" "♪ Come on, tell her "I do"" "♪ For you" " I couldn't be happier." " Congratulations." "Mazel tov." "We're happy to be here." "♪ Everybody needs someone to say ♪" "Phil and Alison Havemeyer. ♪ That I'll do for you anything ♪" "♪ No time, no fear" "♪ Only love" "♪ No time, no fear" "♪ Only love" "♪ No time, no fear" "♪ Only love" "Isn't she beautiful, guys?" "Isn't she beautiful?" "(Guests Cheering, Applauding)" "♪ (Ends)" "♪ (Funk)" "(Man) ♪ When the city gets too much" "♪ We gotta clear our heads" "♪ Sun don't shine enough" "♪ We're tryin' to stay in bed" "♪ Street concrete is hard" "♪ It gives too much" "♪ The salty sand is soft" "♪ It relieves the touch" "♪ It's 10:00 Sun going down ♪" "♪ Just you and me in a shiny red sports car ♪" "♪ Livin' up north is bringing us down ♪" "♪ Why don't we try Miami?" "♪ There is a place where we can live fine ♪" "♪ Ocean city Happens all the time ♪" "♪ I don't mind if you don't mind ♪" "♪ Why don't we go, just me and you?" "♪" "♪ With the wind in our hair" "♪ We're gonna hold on to everything ♪" "♪ Until we are, until we are" "♪ Dead" "♪ From overhead a big hurricane ♪" "♪ Under the sheets we felt all funky ♪" "♪ Window wide open I still can remember the sound ♪" "♪ 11:00, rain comin' down" "♪ Just you and me in a shiny red sports car ♪" "♪ Livin' up north is bringing us down ♪" "♪ Why don't we try Miami?" "♪ There is a place where we can live fine ♪" "♪ Ocean city Happens all the time ♪" "♪ I don't mind if you don't mind ♪" "♪ There is a place where we can live fine ♪" "♪ Ocean city Happens all the time ♪" "♪ I don't mind if you don't mind ♪" "♪ (Instrumental Continues)" "♪ (Fades, Ends)"