"Enid." "Enid, darling." "Oh!" "Oh, Edna!" "Oh, thank goodness you've come." "Never mind, dear." "I'm sorry I'm late, the plane from Melbourne was held up." "Hello, Barry." "Hello, Auntie Edna." "He's gone." "He's gone!" "I know, dear." "You've had a big prop pulled from underneath you, pet." "What am I going to do without him?" "In the midst of life..." "Mrs McKenzie?" "Mr Hopkinson will see you now." "Thank you." "Be strong and brave." "Yes, I'll try." "Ah, Mrs McKenzie, do sit down." "How do you do?" "I'm Mrs Everage." "And to you, Barrington Bradman Bing McKenzie," "I bequeath the sum of 2,000 on condition that you leave for the United Kingdom immediately to further the cultural and intellectual traditions of the McKenzie dynasty." "Strewth!" "Who'd want to go to the dump where all them pom migrants are leaving in their millions?" "Still, dollars are better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick, eh, Auntie?" "RADIO ON I know, but we'll tell him together." "MUSIC PLAYS" "Let me do it, Barry." "She's apples, Mum." "You relax and put your feet up, give your veins a rest." "Get your underwear, dear." "And don't forget to change them every day either, Barry." "Geez, come off it, Mum." "No man knoweth the hour, dear." "Aunt Edna and I have been having a chinwag and..." "I'm going to London with you, Barry." "Come again?" "I'm going to London with you!" "Barry, seriously" " I've promised myself a trip to the old country ever since my Norman's little op." "Our family came from Britain many moons ago, you know." "Lucky they did." "Immigration laws are a bloody sight tougher now." "I won't be interfering with your private life." "Heaven forbid!" "My dear friend and bridesmaid Madge Allsop is in England now and we just can't wait to see each other." "Hurry up, Edna, we'll but late!" "Come on, Auntie!" "Sorry, pet." "I just bought you a new, lovely, gorgeous kitbag." "I've got a gorgeous bag of my own." "We'll miss the plane." "Don't forget to change your underwear every day." "Come off it!" "'Flight 530 for London is boarding immediately from gate two." "'This is your final call.'" "Good morning, sir." "Is there anything you'd like?" "Too right - a Ned Kelly whiskey and a naughty in the dunnies as soon as the no smoking light goes out." "Fellas!" "See ya!" "I don't think they can hear me, Auntie." "See you, Mum!" "ANGELIC CHOIR: # Bar-ry..." "# McKen-zie!" "#" "Ta." "I'm that hungry I could eat a horse and chase the jockey." "That's lovely." "CHINESE STYLE MUSIC PLAYS" "ANGELIC CHOIR: # Bar-ry..." "# McKenzie!" "#" "SNORING" "'We are now landing at London's Heathrow airport." "'Have your disembarkation papers, customs clearance slips, 'currency control vouchers, passports, tickets, identity dockets, 'travel orders, immigrations tickets, temporary visas, 'racial origin certificates, baggage cheques, leprosy immunisation cards 'and security clearances ready for inspection, please.'" "Hey, Auntie." "This trip isn't the full two bob." "You can't even see the flaming white cliffs!" "Hang about, lads." "Another plane load of those bleeding convicts on their way in." "Oh, excuse I, Barry, I'm just going to declare that jumbo-sized bottle of My Sin." "See you, Baz." "Good morning, sir." "Anything to declare?" "No, not really." "Well, I picked up this little lot on the way over." "Yes, sir." "We'll see, shall we?" "A transistor radio, mechanical toy, typewriter, Hong Kong watch, that'll be £234... £234.55...57...58 and one half new penny, please, sir." "Stone the crows!" "That's over a week's work where I come from!" "Yes, sir." "What about this camera, sir?" "Fair go, that's a present from me Auntie Edna, you hungry pommy..." "That sort of language'll get you nowhere, sir!" "There's fif..." "Seventy pounds import duty on this item, sir." "Don't come the raw prawn!" "I only got the bloody thing to take slides of the Queen and Phil the Greek and a few other pommy ruins." "That's the law, sir. £70." "What have you got in this case?" "Personal effects." "Just a few tubes of ice cold Fosters." "Don't tell me you're going to make something out of that!" "I'm afraid I shall have to confiscate this lot, sir." "TILL CHINGS AND WHIRRS" "Oh, Barry, where have you been?" "You've been as slow as a wet week." "You wouldn't read about it, Auntie." "I wouldn't have minded if the bastard had been civil." "When it comes to fleecing you, the poms have got the edge on the gypos." "Listen to this, Barry - "Princess Anne was born on 15th August 1950." ""She was always a tomboy, hating to play with dullies," ""but expert at climbing trees while her brother watched from below."" "BAGPIPES PLAY" "Strike me pink!" "Hey!" "Aren't we at Earl's Court yet?" "This is taking longer than the plane trip." "Nearly there, guv." "Stupid pommy bastard." "Oh, Barry, was that altogether necessary, dear?" "No wonder poor old Phil's always shooting through." "What a dump for the royals to live in!" "It'll be beaut to see the old Curly again, Auntie." "Curly?" "What's he doing in the old country?" "Well, for the past couple of years he's been bludging down at Australia House in Strand Street." "Real cushy job, he reckons." "Piss-up every day, no probs." "Strewth!" "That airport must have been in bloody Woop Woop." "What's the damage, sport?" "Let's see..." "Extra passenger, use of luggage rack, hire of ashtrays, over the five mile limit, afternoon driving tax, conversation surcharge, windscreen wiper depreciation... that'll be 68 new pounds, guv." "68 quid?" "!" "Stone the crows, that's bloody highway robbery." "Hey, Bazza!" "Curly, you old bastard!" "I wasn't sure if you'd be home." "What are you doing?" "Taking a sickie, you bludger, or did they give you the sack at Australia House?" "Those dozy bastards wouldn't know a tram was up them until the bell rang." "Hang on, I'll be down faster than a whore's draws." "Don't rupture yourself, Barry." "Bazza!" "Curls!" "Bazza!" "Geez, it's beaut to see you, Curl." "What's this?" "What's this with the hair?" "Look like a hippie poof!" "Hey, and what's this?" "Growing a bit of scrub around the waterhole?" "Ah, you bastard, get off my back or I'll give you a knuckle sandwich." "Excuse I, Barry!" "Hang on a second, you silly dag, while I square off this fourby two." "All right, here's your money." "Hope it chokes you." "68 quid." "70 quid now, guv." "I'm not sitting here for my bleedin' health." "Stop bickering and pay the little person." "I have to get to Madge's." "All right, Auntie." "Hang on to your purse." "These poms charge like a wounded bull." "Oh!" "Why don't you go back to Australia?" "!" "Go back to Israel yourself, you Ikey Mo!" "Don't forget to give me a tingle." "Hungry Arab." "Would have dropped the bastard if he wasn't qualified for the pension." "Let's go in, mate, eh?" "Er..." "Hang on a tick, Bazza." "Er..." "Listen, mate..." "I picked up a sort at the party the other night so my joint's a bit on the crowded side." "But no worries, I lined you up a beaut little place around the corner to drop your swag." "Be on me Pat Malone, eh mate?" "Geez, if it was raining virgins," "I'd be washed down the gutter with a poofter." "Rag and bone!" "This is the place, mate." "A nice little area, this, lot of character." "PHONE RINGS" ""Pakistani vicar's teeth found in nude nun's thigh."" ""I had four Guinesses and everything went black, says..." Page six." "Six..." "Six..." ""The magistrate told the jury..."" "I've come for the room for me mate McKenzie." "Ah!" "You know, from Australia." "Ah, well..." "Oh!" "McKrenzie." "McKrenzie, yes." "I'll..." "HE COUGHS ..I'll show you to your suite." "Welcome to England." "HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS" "HE COUGHS" "Oh bugger!" "Oh, it's only crap." "Just step over it." "The bathroom's in the basement, the toilet's on the sixth floor, luxury breakfast - luxury - served from 6am to five past, nobody...except on Sundays!" "Nobody in the rooms..." "..Hello, darling." "Had enough?" "Nobody in the rooms after 7 o'clock, lights out by 8 o'clock and you adjust your dress before leaving because we got a very hungry dog about." "We're going to give you the Winston Churchill Memorial Suite here, and we like three weeks rent in advance and a deposit on the Gideon Bib..." "It's been knocked orf." "Jamaicans!" "You have to pay a deposit on it." "Like it?" "One coat of Dulux done this." "Er, that'll be...see now..." "43 guineas for this suite, sir." "No need to call me "sweet sir"." "Barry McKenzie's the name, mate." "An ordinary working man like yourself." "I might have close to 700 quid on me at the moment but that's the result of four weeks hard slogging down the snowy." "Oh!" "Oh, what's on the go?" "Don't tell me we've got a flaming air raid!" "I do some of me best work in the dark." "It's all right." "It's the...the meter on your luxury chandelier is short of the lob." "Have you got a pound on you?" "I'll..." "A pound?" "Just a little pound." "I'll show you how to put it in the meter." "This one..." "CLUNK!" "Oh, just hold that torch, will you?" "Ah, there you are!" "Don't forget, just put one of those in every 20 minutes." "Good little pub this, mate, where all the Aussies drink." "All right, fellas?" "Bazza!" "THEY GREET EACH OTHER" "RAUCOUS GREETINGS" "You old bastard!" "Are you kidding me?" "Of course!" "Hey, listen, we want you to try a local drop now you're here." "I've heard it's dish water." "No!" "No, it's great, mate." "Go on." "Youse wouldn't put me wrong, would ya?" "No!" "All right." "Hm..." "Terrific." "Beautiful." "I don't know." "Get it down!" "Bah!" "I've been poisoned!" "It's as warm as piss!" "Come on, stop mucking around and give us a decent chilled Fosters." "That's more like it." "I really needed that." "I was as dry as a dead dingo's donger." "Listen, mate, that pom stuff's piss." "Geez, it's great to have you around, Bazza." "There's a whole lot of the old Parra bloody Manor mob here." "Jonno, Matesy, Stanno, Spaz, Scissors, Malloy and some of the sheilas are real humdingers." "Yeah?" "Got any lead in your pencil?" "I'm gonna choke one." "See ya." "Beautiful drunk." "Yes." "Well, how's the trip, mate?" "Any stop-overs?" "Couple of days in Honkers." "A lot of tinted bastards there, Curly." "Boy, have they got a colour problem!" "What a fantastic bunch of bastards on the plane, though." "We demolished the old tubes, that's for sure." "Got a bit rough over the Hima-bloody-layas." "One of the blokes started chundering." "One fella near me yodling his jelly and ice cream." "Eh, did you get your end in?" "Come again?" "Aw, don't come the Uncle Crustacean with me, Baz, did you get the dirty water off your chest?" "I hear some of them air hostesses are pretty keen." "You reckon?" "Yeah, pretty often it's the captain that dips his wick." "How's that?" "I remember the boat I came over on was full of nurses I used to bang like an outhouse during a gale." "One of the officers gave me the good oil on that." "He was English and a real nice bastard." "He reckoned you could always pick the sheilas that come across easy." "How's that?" "They're the ones cried when they said goodbye to their boyfriends." "All the officers lined up at every port spotting the sheilas." "Fantastic!" "That night there in there like a rat up a drainpipe." "Yeah." "Hey, Bazza." "Aw, cripes!" "You'd have to be pulling my leg, mate." "Don't tell me with all those flaming stop-overs you never cracked it." "Think I'd tell you, you randy bastard?" "Of course I did." "Some of the sheilas on the flight gave me their addresses to look 'em up over here." "They reckoned they'd never had such a good time." "They were dreading the pommy blokes, cos they don't like it plain and simple over here." "Yeah." "It's the truth." "Geez, it's great having you around, mate." "Excuse me..." "My name's Groove Courtenay." "DOn't tell me your problems, mate." "No, really." "I'm fron Transmedia Enterprises." "I have a proposition to make." "A bloody poofter." "Hey fellas, a pom poof!" "THEY JEER" "Let's go somewhere we can talk, eh?" "BLOKES JEER" "Eh, keep your back to the bar, mate." "OK, sport, give us the drum, but make it snappy." "I've got a lot of drinking to catch up on." "Well, my agency has the account for the new High Camp cigalettes." "It's great having him back." "Beautiful, eh?" "Mr McKenzie, I have been watching you for some time and you've got just the image we need - rugged, unconventional, he-man, touch of the outback, just what our English viewers want." "Aw, thanks very much, sport." "Good luck, mate." "Thanks, Curl." "Super cossy, love, really nice." "Yeah, well, I feel a bit of a drongo." "Hope none of my mates see me in this outfit." "They'll reckon I've turned poofter." "What have I got to do?" "It's easy, Bazza." "All you do is ride in..." "Ride in?" "!" "Yes, you Australians are such fabulous horsemen." "Oh, yeah." "Then, you kneel down on this beautiful mountain and you offer our High Camp cigalette to Caroline." "Who's that?" "Caroline, love, this is Barry McKenzie, the sun-bronzed Anzac I told you about." "Super!" "Please to meet you." "Eh, what a colossal bit of skirt!" "Look, this is what you do, Bazza." "Look at Caroline and say," ""Have a High Camp filter - firm in your fingers and cool between your lips." It's pretty easy, isn't it?" "Is that all?" "No probs." "I'll give it a burl." "High Camp one, take one." "Action." "# High Camp!" "#" "ROMANIC MUSIC PLAYS" "Have a High Camp." "Like, they're, er...firm in your lips and cool between your fingers." "Cut!" "We'll try another." "High Camp one, take two." "Action!" "Have a High Camp - cool in your fingers and tight in your mouth." "Cut!" "199." "Action, Barry." "Try a High Camp filter." "They're cool in your mouth and firm between your hips." "Dig that crazy ad-lib." "Well, didn't I tell you this boy had class?" "This ad will sell a million." "Congratulations." "Look, can I get out of these tight strides now?" "They're ruining me future." "Sure, great suggestion." "I'm glad that's over, Carol." "Could really go a couple of nice cold ales." "Er, look, what say you and me get together some time?" "Mm, super." "Where do you hang out?" "370 2660, and I'd love to see you some time..." "Bazza." "Bye, Barry." "Give me a tingle." "Hey, Curl." "Got a Biro?" "Er, yeah, mate." "Seems a bit of all right, eh?" "Yeah, I'm doing all right with that pommy sheila, mate." "I've heard they don't like it simple like good Australian lasses." "Yeah, that's for sure, mate." "Hey..." "You ought to go along to one of them bookshops and get one of them" "Indian hygiene magazines, do a bit of swotting up." "Might just do that, Curl." "'Geez, I've blown me dough on some long-winded yarn 'about a couple of slant-eyed ratbags called Yoni and Lingam." "'What kind of hygienic publication is this?" "'" "Oh, geez, I'm shagged out." "'There must be an easier way of tickling a girl's fancy." "'Hang on, what's this?" "'" ""If a man after anointing his lingam with the sprouts of the vaginisi," ""dips it in ghee, then rubs on the juice of crushed voteprahanta leaves" ""and then engages in the congress of the bee, he makes her subject to his will."" "Ah, look, sport, I wonder if you can help." "Could you give us half a pound of vagishnanti plant sprouts, a tin of ghee, a packet of vot..." "voteprahanta leaves, a half a dozen shadvanstra..." "HE SPEAKS HINDI" "No, I'm sorry, sir." "There has been quite a run on exotic spices." "Oh." "Strewth, now I'm really in the poo." "Oh, well, look, in that case, you'd better give us some chutney, some rice, er...throw in some mustard, some mixed herbs and chuck in a couple of cans of extra strong prawn and beef curry." "Once she cops an eyefull of me sexy groceries, she won't tumble it's me first time." "DOORBELL" "Barry!" "Here, Carol." "Super!" "Come in, darling." "Yeah, well..." "Come on!" "Right." "Jeez!" "You've got a beaut little place here, Carol." "I feel a full, wild bit tonight, Barry." "Strewth!" "You're a flamin' fast worker, Carol!" "Something tells me I'm not the first." "You'll be the first to give me a taste of what it's like down under." "Come on, darling, let's slip into the sheets." "Ah..." "Look, Carol, to save time, while I'm anointing the ole lingam with this beef and prawn curry, you get stuck into this cinnamon and mixed herbs." "All right?" "We can have a crack at the congress of the ant." "Get that kinky Aussie gear off, Barry." "Come on, darling." "I'm all ready for you." "Wait a sec, Carol." "I'll be finished with the exotic aphrodisies in a few jiffs." "No wonder India's got a famine problem if this is what they do with their tucker." "Hey, Carol, I hope you're not a vegetarian." "I'm kinky for beef, sweetie, but not the tinned variety." "Mmm!" "Let's put out the light." "I think you're shy." "Shy?" "Not me." "Just can't sleep with the bulb glaring, that's all." "Barry, what are you thinking about, darling?" "I've gotta be down at the bank in New South Wales a sparrow fart in the morning." "What's the hassle, darling?" "We've still got all night." "Just hold your horses for a sec, Carol." "I want to point Percy at the porcelain." "OK, McKenzie, the game's up." "Groove!" "I saw ya tryin' that he-man act on Caroline while we were shooting." "Strike me pig, a pom perv!" "I've heard about your type, flashing' their torches on blokes in the middle of congress." "I'll flatten ya!" "CLATTERING" "GRUNTING" "I'll flatten ya!" "GRUNTING" "Oh, darling!" "DOG BARKS" "Christ!" "Ronald." "What an appalling bore!" "There's a letter from one of those Australians who inundated us with mouldy raisins and home-made coconut ice during the war." "They want to come here on Saturday." "Do you realise that is today?" "Good lord!" "Well, I'm holing up in the den." "Oh, don't be a fool, Ronald." "She's bringing her nephew with her." "He may be one of those fabulously rich Australian shareholders." "We've got Sarah's future to think about." "Aren't these gorgeous Shakespearean homes?" "No worries." "This is the Gorts'." "You be on your best behaviour." "DOOR SHUTS" "Oh, God!" "There's a couple of gypsies frigging about on the front lawn." "I think it's up here, Auntie Edna." "I'd better just check in the A-Z." "Hey!" "I'm sure..." "Hey, you!" "Just a minute!" "Can't you read?" "No hawkers, no tramps." "I'm sorry, er..." "I was..." "Mrs Gort, Mrs Ronald Gort?" "Yes." "Barry McKenzie's the name." "This is me Auntie Edna." "Oh!" "Nice little patch of vegetation you've got here." "I am so sorry!" "How utterly bonkers of me." "Do both come in and have some tea." "You must be exhausted after such a long drive." "Well actually, my lady, we came by train." "Oh." "First class, of course." "Oh, I brought you a little gift." "It's a lovely sheaf of..." "fresh, pink gladis." "It's Australia's national flower." "How very kind of you." "Just a token." "Thank you." "This way." "Along here." "Er, I wouldn't say no to a couple of nice cold ales." "You come indoors and meet my husband Ronald and my daughter Sarah." "What a lovely home you have here, Mrs Gort." "So redolent with history." "DOOR CREAKS" "Well, Sarah, darling, this is Mrs Everage and this is Mr McKenzie." "Hello." "How very sweet to meet you." "G'day." "Glad to know you." "Barry McKenzie's the name, but most of me mates call me Bazza." "I'm, er, Mr Gort." "Ronald, Ronnie, Ron." "Hello!" "Bazza?" "How charmingly informal." "Sarah adores that sort of thing." "She went to the last Young Conservatives dance in her jodhpurs!" "But sometimes her father and I wonder where she comes from." "Oh, by the by, wee brought you a little prezzo." "Oh, how sweet..." "Oh!" "Very sweet of you!" "I do hope you haven't been too extravagant." "Goodness me, Mrs Gort, it's only a thought." "It's a nice tin of old dripping." "During the period of hostilities, our home in in Melbourne was a Fat For Britain depot." "All our neighbours used to deposit their old fat on our doorstep and we'd whisk it off to the Old Country post haste." "Er, yes, Auntie thought you might still be a bit short." "SHE CHUCKLES How quaint!" "Cook will bless you." "Cook?" "Mary, we haven't got a..." "Ronald!" "Go and get the tea trolley." "Do sit down, Mrs Everage." "Make yourself comfortable." "Thank you so much." "Come along, dear, sit down." "Over here." "Come along, darling, over here." "Any chance of obtaining a nice cold ale?" "I sneaked into a pub on the way, but it was 3.05 and the bastards gave me the bum's rush." "We haven't got a drop in the house." "But, um, come into the den." "Will you please bring the trolley over!" "Not the den." "I remember what happened last time you took one of Sarah's boyfriends in there." "I hope you're enjoying your visit to England." "Adoring it, thank you, Lady Gort." "I love the homes of yesteryear." "Do you realise that Shakespeare himself might have lived here when he wrote his wonderful shows?" "Shows like To Be Or Not To Be, or Lend Me Your Ears." "How do like your tea, milk and sugar?" "Three lumps, thank you, Lady Gort." "..another piece of chocolate cake for Barry." "I can see he adores it." "It's all right, I'm full as a goog." "Had a gutful on the train." "Thanks all the same." "Oh no, no trouble at all." "Come on, Ronald." "Mr Gort?" "I've had my eye on your rhododendrons for some time now." "May I take a snippet?" "Oh, yes." "Thank you so much." "I promise not to be too greedy." "Come on, Ronald." "I'm sure Barry and Sarah have lots to say to each other." "Uh...well, yeah." "Well, er...beaut." "Why don't you to piss off...er, adjourn to the kitchen, we'll talk about the price of fish." "CLOCK CHIMES" "You great boneheaded fool!" "Don't you realise this is our chance to marry our daughter into money?" "If we can talk him into spending the weekend, he can partner Sarah to the Rickmansworth Young Conservative Social." "Capital idea." "I'll take the boy into my den and put it up to him." "Oh no you won't, you filthy old perv." "I'll ask him." "Send him his beastly cake!" "Mr Gort!" "Mr Gort!" "Coo-eee!" "Mr McKenzie, it must be wonderful living in Australia, amongst all those wide open spaces." "I suppose you have hoards of Aboriginal servants." "Abbos?" "Oh, cripes, no." "Never seen one in me life." "Mum does the solid jack around our place." "Now, Barry, Ronald and I insist that you and your aunt stay the weekend." "And I know Sarah will love to take you to her social." "It's informal, just a few young folk in for dancing and drinks." "Coo-ee!" "Drinks?" "Jeez, I'd buy that, m'lady." "It'll be beaut to get away from Earls Court." "Am I jack of shoving pound notes in that meter!" "He mustn't waste his fortune, must he, Mrs Everage?" "You never know, Little Miss Right might be closer than he thinks!" "A fool and his money are soon parted, your Excellency." "Look, I've been a wicked, wicked woman, snip-snipping away all these lovely cuttings." "As my husband, Norm, always says, it's the little bit on the end that counts." "We've just been talking to Barry about your staying for the weekend." "I'd be delightful, but I hope we wouldn't be imposing." "No, no, I assure you." "And I know Barry will love the dance tonight." "Barry'll have a wonderful time if he enjoys dancing as much as I do!" "I first met my husband, Norm, at a dance in Melbourne." "It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?" "Quite a few young people today are as fond of holding balls as we were." "DISTANT CHILDREN'S CHOIR SINGS" "CHOIR GETS LOUDER" "# Swing, swing together" "# With our bodies between our knees" "# Some may be more clever" "# Others may make more row... #" "Ooh!" "Oh, strewth, oh, um, 'scuse I, sir, er...sorry to come busting in on you like this, tell you the truth, I was looking for the snake's house, sir." "Think nothing of it." "And call me Gort." "I'll call YOU sir." "Fair crack of the whip, sport." "I mean, Gort." "Then again, if that's the way you want it..." "Hey, is this do tonight fancy dress or something?" "If it is, I'm up shit creek costume-wise." "Oh no you're not, sir." "I have got something for you." "Try them on, sir." "Hey..." "Reckon I look a bit of all right in this." "We'll make a gruesome twosome, eh, Gorty boy?" "All I need now is a cane." "Here it is, sir." "Here it is." "You better thrash me, sir." "Go on, don't spare me." "I-I deserve it, sir!" "Flay me, do as you like with me!" "Oooh, ah, I've been naughty." "I've poured ink all over your study floor." "Yes...give me a touch of your iron discipline then!" "Er...'scuse I, sir." "Like, thanks for the fancy outfit, but I...just remembered I gotta whip out for a few ice cold ales." "No!" "No!" "Don't go, sir!" "Look, I've got my cap on indoors." "I've been smoking behind the lav!" "I've got a bottle of Scotch in my drawer, so I'm underage in possession of alcohol!" "Please forgive my husband's quaint little whim, Mr McKenzie." "He's a war veteran, you know." "One of the few." "Glad to hear there aren't too many around." "Go and chat with Sarah, while I have a few words with her father." "You bloody fool!" "Sorry, precious." "I...don't know what nearly came over me." "Never get to the bottom of the flaming poms." "Oh, don't mind Father, Barry." "He's not as other men." "Last time anything like that happened was when I was a nipper." "Scoutmaster flashed his nasty." "Spruce yourself up, Barry boy, you mustn't look like the wild man from Borneo." "Oh, you're going to break a few hearts tonight!" "Just let your auntie whisk off your cradle cap, and pick out those little custard corners." "Now remember, when he takes you onto the terrace, folds you in his arms and wants to play hospitals with you, don't suck your bloody thumb." "You understand?" "Yes, Mother." "Isn't Sarah a striking girl, Barry?" "They're a delightful family too, very comfortably off, I'd have thought." "No thanks, Auntie." "You'll do me." "SHE CHUCKLES" "BAND PLAYS JAZZY TUNE" "Raymond!" "This is Barry McKenzie." "He's from Australia!" "Australia?" "I say, cobber, show us how you convicts toddle about on your heads down under." "Go and stick your head up a dead bear's bum." "THEY LAUGH" "What a delightfully refreshing traditional old English meal that was, Mrs Gort." "Thank you." "And how unusual to serve spaghetti bolognese without the toast." "Sarah, look, I just gotta go to the snake's house, busting to strain the potatoes." "Where's your boomerang, eh, cobber?" "Go and dip your left eye in hot cockle cack." "May I ask, do you cook spaghetti in the saucepan, or boil the tin?" "Oh, I'm afraid I'll have to ask Cook!" "Cook?" "We haven't got a bloody cook." "Hey, you old convict bluey-digger." "Know what I hope?" "What do you hope, old chap?" "I hope all your chooks turn to emus and kick your dunny down." "Oh, I wonder what Barry and Sarah are doing now." "Probably waltzing round the dancefloor, gazing into each other's eyes, whispering sweet nothings to one another." "Why aren't you with the other Aussies, drinking all that Fosters stuff?" "Listen, drongo, any more lip and I'll floor ya." "No, really, there's a whole party of them in the back room, from the local agricultural college." "Ah, you little beauty!" "Human beings at last!" "THEY ALL CHEER AND SHOUT GREETINGS" "Oh, am I glad to be shot of those pommie drongos!" "Have a Fosters, you sly old bastard!" "Beauty!" "THEY CHEER" "I've heard such sad stories about young Australians in London, drinking and brawling in these vile Earls Court dives." "Well, I can't deny that my nephew does enjoy the occasional, odd chilled glass of amber fluid, Mrs Gort." "But he and his friends are real little gentlemen." "I don't think they rely on alcoholic beverages to have a good time." "# I wish I was in London" "# I do, I do" "# I go down to Trafalgar Square... #" "Jeez, I feel like all me birthdays have come at once." "What a fantastic bunch of bastards!" "# You are a pommy bastard... #" "# All pommies are bastards Bastards or worse" "# And England is the arsehole of the universe... #" "There you are, Barry." "I've spent a long time searching for you." "I thought you might have got lost." "Me, lost?" "You gotta be joking!" "Hey fellas, meet me sheila, Sarah." "G'day." "Glad to know ya." "Glad to know ya, Sarah." "HE SNORES" "Gotta go, fellas." "See ya, Baz." "Bye, Baz." "Spending the night at the nest, are ya, Baz?" "Bazza." "You might be on to something there, mate." "Yeah?" "Some of those sheilas who don't look so hot are great little performers." "Go on!" "Yeah." "See ya, fellas!" "See ya, Baz!" "Oh, Baz, you sport, I'm so happy." "A lovely Rickmansworth evening, the pressure of your arm against mine, and the hint of wine on your breath." "Jeez, Sarah, I reckon you look real bonzer tonight." "I reckon we could go a celebration naughty before we adjourn inside." "Look, Ronald, he's kissing her!" "Just imagine, the McKenzie millions are almost mine!" "Yes, yes, he's kissing her." "Fondling her young limbs." "Cupping her firm..." "Shhhh!" "Yes...bruising her young petals... stroking her hot..." "Oh, God, I can't bear it!" "Ah, there you are, my chickibitties." "Come in and tell us about your wonderful evening." "It must have been so romantic." "Ah, yeah, well, m'lady, we had a reasonable type of time, and..." "Come along, Mr McKenzie." "Or may I call you Bazza?" "Don't be shy." "Give us your real news." "Uh, like, we met this real nice crowd of bastards at the social..." "No, no, McKenzie." "What Mary wants to know is did you exchange vows with our little petal?" "What came to pass?" "Oh, you mean when Bazzie suggested we had a naughty little celebration?" "Fair crack of the whip, Sarah!" "Give a bloke a break!" "Now then, no whispering." "Can I hear wedding bells?" "Did you fix a date?" "Shall we discuss the enormous financial settlement?" "What happened?" "What's the strength?" "Strewth, m'lady, are you inferring that me and Sarah committed intimacy or something?" "Intimacy?" "Oh, my fragile little petal!" "Oh, don't come the raw prawn!" "I gave her a smack on the chops, didn't get to the fair dinkum article." "Sarah, you's a woman now." "We must settle his funds at once, before he rushes you to the altar!" "Mummy, you don't understand." "Nothing happened." "We didn't even play hospitals." "What?" "!" "You mean you weren't rude with one another?" "No marriage?" "But...but the money..." "I told you, he's cash, and you promised!" "She's a flaming ratbag!" "Money, cars and garages, you fool!" "Intimacy!" "Doctors and nurses!" "Loins!" "Loins!" "SHE CONTINUES TO RANT" "It's all my fault." "I can't be punished enough!" "McKenzie millions, gone!" "Beat me, please!" "Lash me!" "We've lost everything!" "Please, lash me!" "Oh, shut up!" "And you can take your beastly plant with you!" "What happened?" "What's happening?" "What's happening?" "!" "Barry?" "!" "Where's my nephew?" "Where is he?" "Barry!" "It's all my fault!" "Barry, darling!" "Barry!" "Whip me!" "Barry!" "(Lash me!" ")" "SHE WAILS INCOMPREHENSIBLY" "Barry!" "Barry!" "Clout me!" "Barry!" "HE WHISTLES" "Wouldn't be going to London, would you, sport?" "Where else is there, man?" "Hop in, friend." "Hi!" "G'day!" "I'm Hoot, this is Blanche, and Sean, here." "Glad to know ya." "Barry McKenzie's the name." "I see you're affiliated with the entertainment industry, by these instruments." "Right." "You must be Australian, or you'd read papers that count like Time Out." "Cut the aggro, Sean." "Tony Palmer gave us a big review last week." "We just roam around the country, making a simple, unaffected music that working people like." "Fair enough." "HE PLAYS BLUESY RIFF" "# Travelling down red route" "# Going to do it our way..." "# For the sun gonna shine" "# Ba-da-doh-ba-day. #" "Your song's bloody delightful." "We've got some grouse songs back in Australia too." "You mean, friend, you could sing us an authentic Aboriginal protest song?" "Oh, come off it, sport." "No, some of those ditties we used to sing down at Bondi Beach." "Give us the guitar." "Here's one me mate Curly wrote." "# Oh, I got a little creature" "# I suppose you'd call him a pet" "# And if there's something wrong with him" "# I don't have to call the vet" "# He goes everywhere that I go" "# Whether sleeping or awake" "# God help me if I'd ever lose Me little one-eyed trouser snake" "# Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake" "# God help me if I'd ever lose Me one-eyed trouser snake" "# One day I got to reading" "# In an old sky pilot's book" "# About two starkers bastards" "# Who made the Lord go crook" "# They reckoned it was a serpent" "# That made Eve the apple take" "# Cripes, that was no flaming serpent" "# It was Adam's one-eyed trouser snake" "# Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake" "# God help me if I'd ever lose Me one-eyed trouser snake" "# I met this arty sheila" "# Who I'd never met before" "# And something kind of told me" "# She banged like a dunny door" "# I said come up and see me etching" "# She said I hope it's not a fake" "# I said the only thing that's etching is me one-eyed trouser snake" "BOTH: # Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake Me one-eyed trouser snake" "# God help me if I'd ever lose Me one-eyed trouser snake" "# Come, all you little sheilas" "# And listen to me song" "# The moral of the trouser snake" "# Is short as it is long" "# Beware of imitations" "# Don't lock your bedroom door" "# When me pyjama python bites you You'll be screaming out for more" "BOTH: # Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake Me one-eyed trouser snake" "# God help me if I'd ever lose Me one-eyed trouser snake" "# Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake Me one-eyed trouser snake" "# God help me if I'd ever lose Me one-eyed trouser snake!" "# Oh-he-ho-he-ho-he-ho!" "#" "Fantastic, Barry!" "Wasn't that fantastic?" "Er, listen here, man." "We're doing a little gig tonight, at the Freedom Arts Factory." "Very heavy little place." "What's say you come along and sing one of your most meaningful" "Australian folk songs, yeah?" "There's plenty of bread in this deal, and a bit of booze, eh?" "OK, mate." "You can forget the sandwiches though," "I wouldn't mind a few ice cold tubes of Fosters." "Great, Barry, you'll dig the vibes down at the factory." "All the kids are getting it together with human rights causes, and they're looking for a spiritual gaiety with nature." "We'll really get it together." "I'll buy that, Blanchey." "Better together than by yourself." "Here we are, Barry McKenzie." "Make yourself at home, man." "Jeez, this place looks like the inside of St Paul's Abbey I seen with me Auntie Edna." "The alternative society has its own iconography, Barry." "PSYCHEDELIC ROCK PLAYS" "Listen, mate, I need to splash the boots." "You know, strain the potatoes." "Water the horses." "You know, go where the big knobs hang out." "Shake hands with the wife's best friend?" "Drain the dragon!" "Siphon the python!" "Wring the rattlesnake!" "You know, unbutton the mutton!" "Like, point Percy at the porcelain!" "I think he wants to go to the loo." "Through the door, first left, past my plaster cast collection." "Look." "We'll keep this Aussie jerk here today, and then we'll tape his gig at the Arts Factory tonight." "Properly exploit him." "He's worth a bit of bread to us, man." "I don't think he's so special." "Cool out, man." "It doesn't matter." "If we can't make bread out of an authentic Australian folk singer," "I'll quit this racket." "I say to you." "The main thing is to keep him happy, or he'll split." "You play up to him." "I'll make sure he gets plenty of this booze stuff, as fast as he keeps shooting up." "Oh, I'll play up to him." "I've heard some fantastic stories about Australians from a friend." "Yeah?" "She's a dentist receptionist in Earls Court!" "There'll be trouble if this berk starts to fill cavities round here!" "Relax, will you, or you'll screw this deal!" "Go and get an artist contract." "I'll tie this Aussie jerk up so tight even that cat Houdini won't be able to get him out." "Look, here he is." "Hey man, did you lay one down?" "Jeez, you've got some interesting reading matter in your bathroom." "Beats the women's weeklies Mum kept in the lavvy back home." "Barry McKenzie, would you just sign this please, friend?" "It's a mere formality that the establishment insists on for performers at the Arts Factory." "What's this then?" ""I hereby assign all world rights in perpetuity." Women's rights." "Negro rights." "Civil rights." "World rights." "It's all the same thing." "We believe in the abolition of money, and we'd like you to be a test case." "I better give me mate Curl a call and tell him to meet us." "Where's the instrument?" "The phone, yeah." "It's just over there, next to our macrobiotic kitchenette." "G'day, Curl?" "Wait till I tell you about the terrific time I'm having!" "'Cripes, we've been worried about you since you vanished." "'Where are you now?" "' I'm with some singer types." "'Singer types?" "Jeez, they usually have fantastic sheilas." "Any there?" "'" "Yeah, there's one." "Not bad either." "Reckon I'll be in like Flynn soon." "Listen, I gotta sing a beach ditty at some nightclub called the Freedom Arts Factory this arvo." "Can you meet us there?" "'Righto.'" "FUNKY ROCK PLAYS" "Good on ya, Blanchey!" "# When his light shines on me" "# A brighter world I see" "# Yeah, when his light shines on me" "# A brighter world I see" "# And when he takes my hand and leads me down" "# Life's long and troubled road" "# My heart is full, my soul is free" "# And he helps me share my love" "# Yeah, he helps me share my love... #" "I'll feature with that jam tart or I'll bust me flaming boiler." "Seem to be doing all right, Bazza." "Yeah." "# My life was oh so wrong" "# The empty void inside me" "# Was searching for a song" "# And then a mad ray of sunshine" "# Came shining through my door" "# And he walked in My fears walked out" "# It was love forever more... #" "Listen, you call me Auntie Edna?" "Yeah, she's apples, mate." "Hey, you sure got yourself mixed up with a load of ratbags when you went up the push." "Your auntie reckons she had to call the local funny farm." "Reckon the old girl went as mad as a meat axe." "What'd you do, Bazza?" "Slip the daughter a length?" "Ah, just screaming for it, Curl!" "Her oldies wanted to get me to the church before I speared the bearded clam!" "# And he helps me share my love" "# Let his light shine" "# Oh, you gotta help me sing his song" "# It's so easy to do Let it shine through" "# When his light shines on me" "# A brighter world I see" "# Oh, when his shines on me" "# A brighter world I see" "# And when he takes my hand and leads me down" "# Life's long and troubled road" "# My heart is full, my soul is free... #" "I'll be on meself in a few jiffs, Curl." "Think I better whip out the utensil and shake hands with the unemployed." "OK, mate." "# Yeah, he helps me..." "# He helps me share my love!" "#" "CHEERING" "Leaving us so soon, Barry McKenzie?" "Strike me pink, can't a bloke sneak off to the dyke without a half-nelson?" "What gives?" "This Aussie twit was breaking his contract." "You're breaking me flaming neck!" "Let him go, Sean." "Forget it, Barry." "Sean's just uptight about the ecological threat." "I'll threaten you with a knuckle sandwich!" "Don't get funny with me!" "I'm a man of peace, so don't bug me!" "Don't come the raw prawn with me, or I'll doff ya, you pommy drongo!" "Barry, you're on!" "Come on." "Come on." "Now kids, in aid of the Isle of Wight Leprosy Benefit..." "APPLAUSE" "We've got a great new chartbuster, just loved in from Australia, who'll sing you one of his most meaningful and urgent compositions." "SCANT APPLAUSE" "G'day, ladies and gentlemen." "Barry McKenzie's the name." "I don't know why me mates got me up here, cos I'm no Perry Como, or Nelson Eddy." "Or for that matter, I'm no George Formby or Andres Segovia on the guitar either." "But I got this beaut little beach ditty that me and me mates used to serenade the sharks with down at Bondi Beach." "It's a beauty too." "I realise a lot of the lingo might go over youse pom's heads, so I better explain some words." "Words like chunder, for instance." "See, in them olden days when they migrated people to Australia, for little things like eating a loaf of bread or a handkerchief, uh, a lot of the tucker on the convict ships wasn't too good." "There was a lot of tossing, and everyone was buggered." "So the thing to do was, if you were gonna throw up, move to the rails and say," ""Watch under!"" "See, that's in case, you know, some poor dill copped a steaming eyeful." "Anyway, watch under was shortened to chunder, and I dedicate this ditty to all the chundering pioneers of Australia." "The greatest country in the world, no risk." "Thanks, boys." "# I was down by Bondi Pier" "# Drinking tubes of ice cold beer" "# With a bucketful of prawns upon me knee" "# When I swallowed the last prawn" "# I had a technicolour yawn" "# And I chundered in the old Pacific sea" "# Drink it up, drink it up" "# Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me" "# If you wanna throw your voice Mate, you won't have any choice" "# But to chunder in the old Pacific sea" "# I was sitting in the surf" "# When a mate of mine called Mirth" "# Asked if he could crack a tube or two with me" "# The bastard barely swallowed it When he went for the big spit" "# And he chundered in the old Pacific sea" "# Drink it up, drink it up" "# Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me" "# Now if you wanna throw your voice Mate, you won't have any choice" "# But to chunder in the old Pacific sea" "# Now I've had liquid laughs in bars And I've hurled from moving cars" "# And I've chucked when and where it suited me" "# But if I could choose a spot" "# To regurgitate me lot" "# Then I'd chunder in the old Pacific sea" "# Drink it up Drink it up!" "Drink it up Drink it up!" "ALL: # Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me" "# If you wanna throw your voice Mate, you won't have any choice" "# But to chunder in the old Pacific sea... #" "All together!" "# Drink it up Drink it up!" "# Drink it up Drink it up!" "# Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me" "# If you wanna throw your voice Mate, you won't have any choice" "# But to chunder in the old Pacific sea" "# But to chunder in the old Pacific sea!" "#" "APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "MC:" "Barry McKenzie!" "Barry McKenzie!" "Barry McKenzie!" "Oh, Barry, you were sensational!" "Your voice, your leg movement, everything." "Yeah, the song went over pretty bonzer, eh?" "He's done it, man!" "We've got ourselves a goldmine here!" "You mean we've gotta hang on to the Aussie berk?" "What about you and me nipping outside for a swift knee-trembler?" "Mr McKenzie, I presume?" "I'm Murray Miller." "I caught your act tonight." "I wonder if you and I could do a little deal?" "Stone the crows!" "I'm nearly doing a deal with this sheila!" "Can I see you later?" "No, Barry, it's THE Murray Miller." "We've got time." "No doubt about you sheilas." "First you're coming across, then you're not!" "Mr Miller launched groups like Raspberry Ripple and the Y-Fronts." "He could help you too!" "Talk to him!" "Glad to know ya." "What can I do youse for?" "You have the authentic Aussie sound, Mr McKenzie." "My organisation will be more than interested in plugging you." "Come again?" "I don't like the sound of that." "Don't tell me I've struck another pom poof!" "Hey, look at this, man." "It's Murray Miller moving in on our property." "Fair suck of the sauce bottle." "We're doing the feature in here." "Don't be such a drag." "Most girls would give anything to be groomed by Murray Miller." "Is that so?" "We'll soon see about that!" "Listen here, man." "We got an option on this cat." "We got him this gig." "We got a tape, and a worldwide contract to prove it." "Now look, boys, what's say we do a little deal?" "Most of these guys have got a limited exposure anyway." "I'd like to buy your tape." "Would this take care of your trouble?" "That just about squares us off, man." "It's not the bread with us, you understand, we just want to get our kind of music to the kids, and cut the corrupt establishment down to size." "Right." "Let's pack in these galahs, Blanche." "Why come the raw prawn when we're lining up the old featuring?" "Quit mauling me, schmuck." "I wouldn't score with you in a million years." "Lay another hand on me, and I'll call Murray." "That Aussie berk is feeling up our Blanche!" "No, no, man!" "I'm a man of peace!" "I'll get the bastard!" "You take the little punk." "Take the money, man." "Er...spear..." "Mum..." "Didgeridoo..." "Get away." "Er... get..." "Oh, I had this dream where I was an olden-days Australian convict, being chased by all these Abos." "But strewth, this is flamin' ridiculous!" "Calm down." "You were picked up in an appalling condition in Belsize Park, and brought to this hospital." "Cripes!" "Were me underpants clean?" "Why do you ask?" "Me old mum would have a stroke if she knew I'd passed out with skid marks on me Y-fronts." "Look, where's the snake's house?" "I'm dying to point Percy." "I'm afraid the case is out of my prowess." "Obviously a psychiatric job." "I'll call DeLamphrey." "What are you doing?" "There's nothing wrong with me, mate, that a few ice colds won't fix up." "I'm not hanging round here having a bunch of Florence Nightingales cop an eyeful of my equipment." "Where have the bastards hidden me strides?" "I warn you, gentlemen, the patient could be a bit violent, so lace him in tightly, please." "If he gets a naughty boy, give him a jab with this." "Yes, Doctor." "Thank you." "What d'you think you're flamin' doin'?" "!" "Pommy bastards!" "I'll tell me Auntie Edna." "Now, Mr McKenzie, you're back with us." "How are you?" "I'm sorry about that little incident." "I'm Dr DeLamphrey, and I'm here to help..." "Pull your head in." "I want you to think of me as someone you can turn towards." "You won't catch me turning any other way!" "Come, come, Mr McKenzie!" "Let's start at the beginning, shall we?" "When did you start having delusions?" "It all started when I paid through the nose for a ticket and landed up a shit creek called England." "So you hat the mother country, do you?" "What exactly is your relationship with your own mother?" "I'm her son." "What about your sex life?" "Is it healthy?" "Healthy?" "!" "Should be!" "Haven't had a chance to catch anything yet!" "Look, Doc, if you don't stop shooting off your mouth, I'll chunder on your wall-to-wall." "What?" "!" "I'll chunder, so help me!" "You know, throw the voice!" "Play the whale, laugh at the ground." "Make love to the lav." "You find my carpet funny?" "It makes you laugh?" "Tell me... which particular part of my carpet amuses you the most?" "You're getting warmer." "Would it be this particularly phallic pattern here?" "Am I any warmer?" "You're really hot now, Doc." "Cop that, you rotten pommy bastard." "You must feel free to express your aggressions in whatever way is most natural for you." "Bella!" "Hugo!" "Mr McKenzie, I've got some good news for you." "You mean you're dying of cancer?" "Yes." "But apart from that, I've decided to discharge you." "Boys, unlace him and give him back his clothes." "Sorry you've had a rather uncomfortable day, sir." "SHE SOBS I've got the kettle on, Curly." "Don't worry, Mrs Everage." "Bazza'll be apples." "Auntie Edna?" "Curl?" "Barry!" "Where have you been?" "!" "I even rang the Australian Lord High Commissioner!" "I was worried sick!" "Careful, Auntie, most of me ribs are broken." "You all right, mate?" "Yeah, it's just a broken arm." "Jeez, we were worried about you, Bazza." "When the fuzz stopped the fight, I couldn't find you, so I rang your Auntie Edna." "I don't know what I would have told your mother, Barry." "Well, I wound up in this pom hospital, Auntie." "He's a ring-a-ding blue, eh, Curl?" "I kicked that bastard's teeth so far down his throat, he'll have to put his toothbrush up his freckle to clean 'em." "Barry, if your father was here now and heard you talking like that he'd turn over in his grave." "Sorry, Auntie Edna, I got carried away." "Hope you had a bonza time with your mate, Madge." "Oh Madge." "Barry, do you remember Madge's little girl Gaileen?" "When you were toddlers, she used to play with you." "Gaileen?" "I'll say I do, no worries." "She's a real little butler." "I remember her from the Yabby Creek Sunday school days." "Well, Barry, Gaileen has been in the old country now for approximately in the vicinity of two years." "Madge is just about worried out of her mind." "All the time she's been here she's only seen Gaileen about once and she's changed, Barry." "Madge wants Gaileen to come back to Australia with her but it's like talking to a brick wall." "Gaileen actually seems to like it here." "You mean she wants to stay?" "It's mad, isn't it, Curly?" "Here's a snap of Gaileen before she went on her trip." "I'll get the teas." "What an exceptionally nice type of lass." "Er, yes." "I'd be up that like I ran up a drainpipe." "She's even changed her name to Lesley because it's more English and sophisticated." "Some of the Aussie sheilas get a bit ratty when they hit London." "They put on the dog and start acting like Lady Muck." "Boys!" "Boys!" "I've got such a nice surprise." "Your mother sent us some scrumptious things all the way from Australia." "Close your eyes, close your eyes!" "A tin of lamingtons and three jars of vegemite!" "You beaut!" "Fantastic." "Leave some for Mr Manners, boys." "The best black stuff!" "I'm going to see Gaileen - I mean Lesley - tomorrow, Barry." "You must come and meet her." "OK, Auntie Edna, I'll be in it." "Not far now, Barry." "Goodness dear, all those poor little English people living in these identical slums." "Though they're probably marvellous by their standards." "Poms can live in the smell of an oily rag." "Can't help feeling sorry for the poor bludgers though." "After all, they are a member of the Commonwealth." "Excuse me, mate, can you tell us where Miss Allsop hangs out?" "Edna?" "Gaileen!" "My little Gaileen!" "Lesley." "Lesley, I'm sorry." "What have they done to you, dear?" "This bloke's a sheila!" "You're Barry McKenzie." "By heck I am." "Come on in." "This is a pal of mine, Claude." "This is Edna Everage and Barry McKenzie, they're from Australia." "Charming." "What a damn good-looking woman you are, Mrs Everage." "That's sweet of you to say so, Mr Claude." "I must say it's a great weight off my mind to know our little one has a nice mature gentleman like yourself to turn to." "It's decent of you to say so." "Now then, how about wetting the whistle?" "I'll get you a drink." "I was going to ask for a glass of Adam's ale." "I've never tasted any of your English drinks before." "Husband around on this little cruise, Mrs Everage, or are you your own skipper, so to speak?" "I'm on my ownsome this time." "My hubby Norm has just had a little op." "The doctor says it will have no effect on our married life." "He hit the nail on the head there." "What will you have, Barry?" "Hah..." "HE LAUGHS" "Now my shipmate over there, Lesley, she's got her head screwed on OK." "London's absolutely teeming with sex maniacs." "She wouldn't take a second look at any of them." "You've got no beer." "Sorry." "Pour yourself a gin, McKenzie." "No thanks, sport, thanks all the same." "Come on, how about you and me leave Auntie Edna talking to the old fella and whip down to the local for a few swift coldies?" "I can't leave those two together, wouldn't be decent." "You've only just arrived." "Don't come the raw prawn!" "What's the matter with you!" "Remember that arvo at the Yabby Creek Sunday school?" "You know when Rev Hemmings gave that sermon about those randy biblical bastards, Sodom and Gommorah?" "On the way home we had a dip in the nuddie?" "Remember?" "Jeez, did you cop it from your mum!" "Those were the days." "You know, you and my husband Norm are as different as chalk and cheese underneath." "Hm-mm." "I'm sure we are." "The boozer's around the corner." "Nothing much can happen while we have a few swift drains." "It's lovely to see Gaileen, I mean Lesley." "You know, her mother was a bridesmaid of mine." "Won't be a sec, just popping to the pub for a few ciggies." "See you soon, Auntie Edna." "Have you ever dipped into The Well Of Loneliness?" "I can't say I've perused a publication in donkeys' years." "Hey, Les, I like the look of old Claudie, built like a brick shithouse." "Sometimes I think you're a shingle short, Bazzer." "Righto, sport." "Line us up a few of those soapy suds you call beer." "RCJ." "Come on!" "Put on a spurt, or I'll drop you, you bastard!" "Ta." "This must be the place where all those top mannequins hang out." "Ahhhh!" "Lovely!" "Never felt it touched the sides." "Look, er, Les, what say you and me negotiate a few frosties at feeding the feature?" "Look, you've got the wrong lady." "I've had the old hetero scene and it's a drag." "Edna probably didn't tell you, but I've got a baby." "Tell me again?" "I was just a young, innocent Australian physiotherapist lost in London, fell for this creep from Granada." "You mean you got hitched to a wog?" "You must be joking!" "Granada's a TV company." "Dominic did arty features for the telly." "But we split up." "He got custody of Samantha." "Features on the telly?" "Strike me pink, he was game!" "Was his face covered?" "Ahhh!" "Look, Les... those frosties have gone straight to the old fella." "Hang on, I'll whip off to the snakes house and water the horses." "Don't be too long splashing the lovely boots." "We don't want Edna and Claude to hurry their relationship." "Excuse me, sir." "Have you the time?" "Sorry, but if you hang on for a few jiffs, I'll give you the good oil." "In point of established fact, at the present period of time, watch, wrist and shaking hands on me wife's best friend." "I'm sorry, but anything you say in future will be taken down and used in evidence against you." "Come off it!" "What's on the go?" "Can't a bloke point Percy at the pommy porcelain without some bastard coming the raw prawn?" "I'm an officer of the law, sir." "I've had my eye on you and your friend for some time." "What's in the bag?" "Stone the flaming crows!" "Now I've heard the lot!" "If you wanna know it's just a few personal effects." "Well, if you don't believe me, have a look." "Female attire, I see, sir." "You're in rather a serious situation, I'm afraid, sir." "Jeez, I must have picked up my Auntie Edna's Qantas bag by mistake." "Look, these female garments belong to a sheila." "What do you take me for, a poofter or something?" "I'm not making any accusations, but you'll have to come along with me." "Look, you pom perv, these garments wouldn't even fit me." "Give us 'em here and I'll duck behind this dunny door and prove it." "There, you see!" "Wouldn't be seen dead in this lot." "I look like a raving' ratbag." "It fits like a glove." "I'm afraid you're under arrest, sir." "Catch me first, you pommy bastard!" "Hey, mate!" "Ha!" "It's Waltzing Matilda!" "Bazzer, you could have fooled me." "Why didn't you say you were ACDC?" "I've gotta shoot through." "That bastard's a flamin' blue." "Which way did that Aussie bastard go?" "That way, darling." "Great idea!" "Why stop here?" "Take off your drag and I'll slip into it." "It's against my principles, but it might throw the fuzz off the scent." "Here!" "Oh!" "Excuse me." "Excuse I, Les, but I reckon you look a bit of all right in that outfit!" "Funny, I haven't worn a frock since Dominic left me and I met my sympathetic friend, Claude." "I feel rather queer inside." "I mean, I don't feel rather queer inside." "You wanna know what I thought when I got a deco of that photo of yous." "No, darling, what?" "I thought, "Kiss my bum," ""if that sheila wouldn't bang like a dunny door."" "Excuse I, Les." "I realise that was a bit on the crudey side." "I only got into this kinky gear to save your skin, so don't come the raw prawn with me, or so help me, I'll flatten you." "Sorry, sport, you're a real white man!" "I don't blame you for going a bit crook, but I just wanted to ascertain if you're one of those sheilas that went off like an alarm clock." "Tell you, that blue fairly put the wind up me." "OK, forget it." "Let's split, we better get back to Edna and Claude." "Hang on, Les!" "There's a flamin' dick over there." "Strewth!" "He's worse than an abo black tracker." "Hey!" "Let's whip into this motion picture palace here and we'll hang low for a while, OK?" "I wonder what's on." "Barons Court!" "Beauty!" "I can always go to one of those olden day shows." "Hang on!" "It's an underground movie." "I've heard they're a bit on the crudey side, but let's give it a burl, eh?" "Barry!" "The bastard flogged me the wrong tickets!" "It's not the flicks, it's a flamin' underground railway." "Oh!" "There's that advertisement again!" "Hope none of me mates see it." "God!" "Don't look now, Barry, I've just seen my husband." "Who?" "That arty looking bastard over there?" "It isn't?" "Good God, it is!" "Lesley!" "How terribly camp to see you!" "What a super little giggle!" "Oh, Dominic, I've missed you somewhere deep down." "You still on the telly caper?" "Same old rat race!" "Trying to keep up the mortgage." "Excuse I, you two, but I feel like a spare tonk in a knock-shop wedding." "Sorry, I haven't introduced you two incurables." "This is Barry McKenzie." "This is Dominic." "We once had something very big together." "Yeah, Lesley told me you had a kiddie." "Glad to know you." "You're in the entertainment business?" "Must be really pulling in the notes!" "Lesley, where did you find this extraordinary, exotic creature?" "Is he for real?" "Listen, don't come the raw prawn with me or I'll show you what you can do with the rough end of a pineapple." "I don't like long-haired pommy bastards who get nice sheilas up the duff, then shoot through." "If I had a tart with a bun in the oven, I'd take care of her!" "Er, let's not get too terribly intense, shall we?" "Thank you." "Lesley, how's that dykey friend of yours, you know, um..." "Claude!" "I forgot." "She's alone in the flat with Edna." "We can't just leave them." "Well, fair suck on the sauce pipe." "Claude seems like an exceptionally nice type of bloke to me." "If he'd come the grope with Auntie Edna, the Pope's a jew!" "I've just had the most fabulous idea!" "I'm on the way to the television studio, we're doing a live programme on Australians in London." "Why don't you come along - you're very colourful!" "You'd pick up a few quid, and I'd really love to use you, old fella!" "Come again?" "I'd need a stack of greenies before I flashed the old fella on TV." "What'd me mates say?" "Seeing me point Percy at the public?" "What about Edna and Claude?" "That's all right, I can send a taxi, pick them up, bring them along to the studio." "Right?" "Right." "Make sure it's a nice Aussie suntan, girlie." "Don't want one of those pommy gooseberries and cream complexions." "I have to see the exec about your appearance, Barry." "When you're finished here, just come along the corridor to the viewing theatre, we've got some drinks laid on." "Right?" "Lovely, Dommie." "See you, Bazzer." "Bye, Les." "I'll just take these bags away from under your eyes." "Leave them there as long as you like as far as I'm concerned." "Ah, fair suck of the pineapple!" "I'm as red as an oyster!" "You'll look normal on the screen, Mr McKenzie." "I might touch you up later in the studio." "I'll be in that like a shot, miss." "Don't you think it'd be more romantic in the privacy of the toilet?" "WOMAN SCREAMS" "Strewth!" "I thought I'd lost you!" "Not your own clothes, eh?" "Now, I suppose you can explain this." "You're under arrest..." "WOMAN SCREAMS" "Don't do that, I can assure you it's all a mistake." "I'm a detective." "Oh, you must be Mr McKenzie." "Mr Fry warned...told me about you." "Come and have a few drinks before the show." "Sure!" "I'll be a flamin' codcase if I don't get an amber transfusion." "These are our other Australian guests." "Hi." "How are you?" "Where are you from?" "Melburnian, mate." "Yeah." "Are these your paintings?" "Yeah." "What's that one called - The Lonely Nappy?" "Do you know Schonhausen?" "Well, I've never been there, but..." "Hello, Curl!" "It's Baz here." "I'm on the telly tonight." "Yeah!" "The BBC!" "Some programme about Australians in London or something." "Are the fellers there?" "Get 'em together and jump in a taxi, get yourself over here." "I'm going to see what's happened to Edna and Claude." "Oh, my God!" "Edna!" "Hello, Lesley!" "Claude!" "Come inside!" "Courtesy will cost you nothing, Lesley." "The other Australian guests are all artists..." "Claude, what have you done to Edna?" "What do you think you're doing in that ridiculous outfit?" "I must say, Lesley, it's a relief to see you looking a little bit more feminine." "..you invited us, Lesley." "You mustn't be rude to Mr Claude." "You rang and invited us to this fancy dress party." "He lent me some of his clothes." "He's a bit of a wag." "I've got a bloody good idea what she suggested." "Oh, relax, Lesley!" "Lesley, are you inferring we played hospitals?" "G'day fellers!" "Barry, Barry!" "Who in the hell are all these people?" "Some of me mates have come to see me on the TV, Dom." "OK, look, just keep them in here with the drink." "All right?" "Yeah, lovely." "Keep them here!" "I hope to God none of this lot get loose round the building." "What is this?" "Yes?" "All right, fellers, get stuck into the chilled article." "Problem sits down the hall, right." "How do they do it?" "I remember Bazzer from way back." "We used to go rod-wallopping behind the school board at Trumper Park." "Get us another one, will you, Curl?" "I'm as dry as a medieval monk's manuscript." "You wanna watch yourself if you're gonna talk on TV." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Lesley, I don't know where we went wrong." "I'm sure it was 50% your fault..." "I'm going down to the studio." "Right." "I'd better go and chat up Barry's aunt, all right?" "Yeah, do." "G'day, Les." "Barry, I've learned to appreciate men again today." "You've done something for me." "Yeah?" "Let's get together after the show and I'll rub me Daks and yell the magic word!" "No, you don't grab my chest." "Dominic and I are giving ourselves a second chance." "Order." "Let's go down to the studio, we're due on in two minutes, right?" "ALL CHATTER AT ONCE" "See you, fellers!" "See you, mate!" "OK, Baz, we'll sit by the jelly, mate." "Hey, turn the light off, Rocky!" "'Once again, are the main points from the news." "'The undertakers' strike is now in its third day." "'The Queen has a slight chill and all...'" "Right, let's go." "'The leprosy epidemic, which has been spreading south from Liverpool 'is believed to have reached London." "'However, a spokesman from the London leprosarium 'said tonight there was still no need to declare a state of emergency.'" "Can I take that Mr McKenzie?" "'..as the number of leprosy cases reported can be counted on the finger of two hands.'" "McKenzie, let me see." "'And now Midnight Oil, 'a weekly survey of the arts in Britain today.'" "Over here, fellers, he's on!" "'..a study of Australians in Britain.'" "INTRO MUSIC STARTS" "Ten to go." "Off the set, off the set!" "Barry!" "Barry, dear!" "Hi, Auntie Edna!" "And you're on, Joan." "Good evening and welcome again to Midnight Oil," "Britain's leading current affairs programme." "Most of us Europeans think of Australia as a tough uncompromising land, stricken by drought and flood, and inhabited by kangaroos and tough, insensitive foul-mouthed, beer-swilling boors." "ALL SHOUT AT ONCE" "A seemingly insensitive land has produced more than its fair share of artistic talents in every branch of creative activity known to man." "Who can forget the immortal talents of a Dame Nellie Melba?" "A Don Bradman?" "A Ned Kelly?" "Ah, beauty!" "Let's go and watch him in the studio." "..and continues unabated with thousands of young Australians coming to London every year, revitalising and rejuvenating the flagging... ..European culture." "Well, we have some of those young Australians here tonight and they're going to give us a taste, hopefully of the new lifestyle down under." "Mr McKenzie, can I begin with you?" "Oh, my God!" "Can you tell me which artists have made the greatest impression on you in Britain?" "Bull artists." "G'day mate!" "Cut to one!" "G'day, fellers." "Do you agree with the cynics who say English culture is going to the dogs?" "I'll buy that!" "Flaming dogs have left that many William IIIs on the footpath it's a wonder more people don't slip and break their necks." "Brilliant!" "Mr McKenzie, what do you feel about English girls?" "Pommy sheilas?" "Oh, they're apples, I suppose, but to tell you the truth, I'm that full at the moment - if a nice potato peeler walked past flashing a lovely pair of fun bags," "I ascertain there'd be a sad case of brewer's droop." "I'm afraid, I don't quite see your point." "Me point?" "Well, cop this then!" "Fade up the music!" "Go to one here." "That's right!" "Keep the zoom on it." "Filth!" "Go right in on it." "I want the whole thing." "Lose the boom shadow." "The Director's on the line." "Damn the Director General!" "This is a television breakthrough." "A rare moment - a flash of spontaneity." "I wanna get out of here." "Go to one!" "Get him out of it!" "Go to one!" "You must be either mad or drunk, that man can get us off the air." "Get him out of it!" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Mr McKenzie's a distinguished Australian intellectual." "Go to one!" "ALL SHOUT AT ONCE" "It is McKenzie!" "He's mad!" "Er, following those unorthodox views of Barry McKenzie we turn to another member of the panel..." "Hello, sir?" "Hello, yes, I'm terribly sorry, sir, but somebody must have let that Australian yobbo onto the set." "I-I really couldn't do anything about it, and I..." "You did, sir?" "Thank you very much indeed, sir." "It's very good of you to say so," "I thought I saw a certain potential there." "This dichotomy is explored in my latest work through the multiplanar..." "God bless you, sir." "Thank you very much indeed, sir." "Bye." "He loved it!" "He said it was a pointed condemnation of an effete western society." "The Bishop of Wapping wants an action replay." "..is highlighted in my work through the organic reinterpretation..." "Jeez, it's warm in here!" "Oh, we're on bloody fire!" "You're under arrest!" "PHONE RINGS" "What were the rest doing, standing doing sweet FA?" "Hey, if you bastards form yourselves into a chain gang and keep us well supplied with the chilled article," "I reckon our old one-eyed trouser snake can do the rest." "Great idea, Curl!" "# Oh me one-eyed trouser snake" "# Oh me one-eyed trouser snake" "# God help is if we ever lost our one-eyed trouser snake" "# Oh me one-eyed trouser snake" "# Oh me one-eyed trouser snake" "# God help is if we ever lost our one-eyed trouser snake" "# Oh me one-eyed trouser snake" "# Oh me one-eyed trouser snake" "# God help is if we ever lost our one-eyed trouser snake... #" "All right, McKenzie, no getting away this time." "You're under arrest for assaulting a police officer, resisting arrest, drunk and disorderly, female impersonation, offensive behaviour, offensive language and gross public indecency." "I warned..." "Oh, bloody fire brigade!" "Push off, Bazzer, we're blind at the bath!" "if that's the fire brigade, they're testing a new type of hose." "You crude..." "Oh, Barry, get out of here for goodness' sake." "Now you just come into the powder room with me, there's a good girl." "Barry, that was the last straw!" "Come on!" "You'll be the death of me, Barry." "Sorry..." "Don't "sorry" me!" "You turn your back." "I'll change into something more feminine." "SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY" "Barry!" "What's up, my lovely?" "Cripes!" "Leave us alone will you, mate?" "I've just done something more than a bit on the embarrassing side." "Fancy a bastard flashing the old mutton dagger in mixed company!" "You don't understand." "I've got the most fantastic news for you." "You've been offered your own series." "Series?" ""Series" fiddlesticks!" "I'll tell you what you're doing, young feller my lad, you're coming to Heathrow with me and I'm taking you back to Sydney where you belong." "Come on, Barry." "Hurry!" "Ooohh!" "See you, Les." "Barry!" "Come on, Barry." "Barry!" "You wicked thing!" "England isn't ready for you yet." "Hello, darling." "..that's what you're doing, you're spoiling our image, you come along with me." "LAUGHTER" "'..at 33,000 feet as far as Turkey 'and then depending on the winds, I may be able to go higher." "'After we cross over Istanbul, 'we proceed to Ankara, the capital of Turkey, 'and then cross Iran to Tehran." "'The forecast for Tehran is cold 'and there is a forecast of some shallow fog.'" "You know, Auntie, in a funny kind of way," "I was just starting to like the poms." "# Ahhhhh" "# The..." "# Adventures..." "# The adventures of Barry McKenzie" "# Making dark tales of a true blue boy" "# Fresh from the shores of the antipodes" "# Wafting the scent of the eucalyp trees" "# If you wanna get your sister in a frenzy" "# Introduce her to Barry McKenzie" "# He's got a great big grin and a great big chin" "# Give him half a chance, he'll be in like Flynn" "# His great big fist will flatten any pom." "# He's got a great big first You can do your worst" "# When they tap the cane He'll be in there first" "# It's no use, mate You'll never win" "# He's a better man than you are, Gungadin" "# Barry" "# Barry" "# Barry" "# The adventures of Barry McKenzie" "# Dinky-di tales of a bonza boy" "# Lonely and lost in the land of the pom" "# Wishing to hell he was where he was from" "# From the team that brought you Sir Robert Menzies" "# The Adventures of Barry McKenzie" "# He's got a big brown hat and an Earl's Court flat" "# And a knack to show the poms where Bondi's at" "# And he rushes in where angels fear to go" "# He can sink a beer... #" "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006"