"GOODBYE, MOTHER Based on true events" " They're moving my mother's grave." " Why?" " They're draining the cemetery." " What a shame." " I planted flowers and tended to it." " You haven't been there very often." "It's because I feel guilty." "The funeral was awful." "I'd parked illegally." "During the funeral, I kept thinking about it." "Would I get a ticket or would they tow the car?" " What a silly funeral." " This is a chance to say goodbye." "If they dig her up, she has to be buried again." " When is it?" " On the 14th." "Aren't you going to Casper's that day?" "How unlucky can you get?" " Yes, we've got the men's lunch!" " You'll have to find another day." "Impossible." "I'm torn apart." "Mother's funeral or the lunch." "What to do?" "You have to choose." "I think I have time to do both if I dig in." "Just remember:" "No strippers this time." "Sure." " Are we getting a stripper?" " Why not?" "Do you know any?" "Are you using my phone?" "Mine's run out." "Hi, Spanky." "Casper Christensen speaking." "Your last performance was great." "I haven't slept well since then." "I hope you want to make a quick buck." "Just give me a call." "Bye." " Super." " I got hold of these invitations." "They look very innocent." "Frank is a turd!" " Cool, eh?" " Why does it say that?" " I tested it in the shop." "I tested it, and it worked." "But we can record new messages, like..." ""Whassup, Gintberg?" "Come see the stripper!" Or something kinky..." "We're having a men's lunch on the 14th." "Can you say something sexy?" " Yes." " Something like that?" "Yes." "Let's make one more." "Can you make it personal?" " For one of the boys?" " Everybody's getting one." " Just say Jan..." " Or Frank." "I know about the lunch, but it's fun to have one." "Make one for me." " Show her how..." " Ready?" " Great stuff, Claire." " Can I have my coffee now?" "I might need your help with some cards later." " She is so good!" " I wish she'd talk like that always." "Just buy an invitation for her to record every day." "What a turn-on." "I hope we can get that stripper." " She'll return the call." " Boy, oh boy." " Will you send the cards?" " I have to beat myself in the groin." " That would be a suitable plot." " That one?" "But it's next to the rubbish bin." "It's not right next to it." "It's a beautiful plot." "It's not right next to it." "It's a beautiful plot." "It's a nice plot." "But in the summer time, the rubbish will stink." " The bins are emptied regularly." " There's a plot by the beech tree." " Mother loved beech trees." " I'm afraid that plot is taken." "Others are being moved, too, it's not just your mother." "I've done everything to find the best vacant plot." " Would money solve the problem?" " What?" "Would money solve the problem?" " We don't normally do this." " It's a great relief." "So Mrs. Halmstad changes places with Mrs. Hvam." " Is that all right?" " I really appreciate it." "Right, then." "I guess that's settled." "Nice little watch you've got there." " It was a gift from my son." " Isn't it a ladies' watch?" " It's not a ladies' watch." " Yes, it is." "Take it easy, mate." " Sure." "But it's a ladies' watch." " No, it's not, so shut it." "Don't be stubborn." "I know a ladies' watch when I see one." " Your mother goes next to the bin." " You're not changing them." " We just made a deal." " Send a complaint, if you wish." "That's the way we'll do things." " Who handles that complaint?" " I do." " Hello." " Hello, Frank." "My name is Lars." "It's Frank!" " Frank who?" " From the television!" " They're moving the cemetery plots." " Come on in." " Sit down, I'll get a cup." " No need." "I'm just..." " Sit down." "Take off your coat." " I can't stay long." "The thing is..." "My mother's urn is going to be moved to  the nice open plot." "I understand you got the plot by the beech tree." " Yes, right." " Maybe you'd swop with me?" "My mother was crazy about beech trees, you see." " It's fine with me." " Great." " Thank you." " How is Casper?" " Casper's just fine." " He has really made us laugh." "Suddenly I get an idea." "Ida just loves Casper, and..." " I see." "Well, he is very charming." " We've seen all your shows on TV." "Maybe you could ask him to drop by for coffee?" "It's crazy, I know." "I can ask him." "It's far out, I know." "Do you think, maybe?" "To us, he's like..." "But he's your mate, you can ask him." " Honestly, I think he's too busy." " I'll be honest too, then." "It'll be easier to call the sexton if Casper drops by to see Ida." "It turns out they really want to meet you." "Who doesn't?" "Cheers." "Would you mind if we paid them a quick visit?" "Just to say hello." " To whom?" " The fans." "That couple." "No way." "What if I organise the lunch?" "When am I supposed to do all this?" ""Terkel's Troubles, The Sequel"." "Somebody's got to write it." "Here." "The Boys from Angora say:" ""Thanks for the bicycling story."" "You're welcome." "Now they want something new." "I have to get ideas for all that." "Now." " It'll only take a few minutes." " I have to do this, Frank." " I can help you afterwards." " That means doing everything." "That'll give me time to write." "You get the ham salad and the stripper." "Yes." "Ask her to meet me at the cemetery." "That'll give me time to say properly goodbye to Mother." "Great, Casper." "Is it here?" " Two minutes." " You bet it's only two minutes." " H i." "Great you could make it." "Ida!" " Come and sit down." "This is really..." "A really nice house you have." " Come and sit down, Casper." " I'm not sure we have time for that." " I told them we'd have coffee." " That was the deal." " Sure." "Let's get down to it." " Don't get into a fight over it." "Comfy, isn't it?" " I think there's room for me." " You could sit next to Frank." " Sure." " No, I meant Lars..." " You'll sit there, the three of you?" " No thanks, I'll skip it." " Would you like something else?" " I'm fine." " Frank, you want coffee." " Oh dear, it's not quite dead." ""Not quite dead!"" " Have a slice." " I don't eat living things." " He's hilarious!" " We'd better move on." "We've got to take a picture." "Don't you artists ever relax?" "We'd like to stay, but we're kind of in a..." "Oh, the photo-op thing..." "Perhaps you could take off the shades for the photo?" "Maybe you could lose the shades, Casper?" " Let's get it over with." " You look different without glasses." " Come on, Frank." " Hang on." " Say "cheese"!" " There." " One more with the coffee cups." " This is a rather expensive coat..." " Peek-a-boo!" " Ready?" " So you'll call the sexton?" " Sure, like we agreed." " Good." "I'm coming!" " I can't wait to get those photos." "It'll be great." "Just great." "I'm coming!" " We can e-mail the photos." " I have so many photos of him." " Sure, but not of us." " Bye, Casper!" "He didn't hear." "Your phone's ringing." " Want me to answer?" " Would you?" "Frank's phone, Mia speaking." "One moment." " It's someone called Spanky." " Oh." " Frank here." "Yes, that's right." " Who is that?" "Eh?" " Who is that?" " It's the sexton." "Can I call you back?" "Great." "We'll find out what to do about Mother." "Right." " Is the sexton's name Spanky?" " Yes." "She just wanted to make sure I was happy with the arrangement." "That was nice of her." "I've got to focus on the invitations, honey." "Dear..." " What?" " What was that?" "It's Claire." "She recorded a message." "It was Casper's idea." "Are we wearing our ladies' watch?" "It's a matter of taste, I suppose." " If you like it wimpy or masculine." " That's enough!" " Did you do that intentionally?" " I did it with the spade." "Oh dear." "I'm sorry." " Where can I get a new urn?" " At the undertaker's." " Spanky?" "I'm glad you could make it." " I've waited 15 minutes." " We're in a hurry." " I was told I'd be back in an hour." "I just have a few errands to do." "Buy an urn and some ham salad." " How may I help you, sir?" " I'd like to buy an urn." " Who is the deceased?" " My mother." "Your mother." "I see." "May I offer my condolences?" "When is the funeral to take place?" "Within the next half hour." "Yes." "Well, let's look at the range we can offer." "This can be a difficult time to get through." "Particularly if you don't get the right help in practical matters." "It's all right." " What should I choose?" " This ceramic urn costs 590 kroner." "That is the iron urn." " Yes." "Cool." "I'll take this one." " Very well." "Have a seat, sir." "I can't." "I've got a lunch." "You'd better take my name." " Are you coming, Frank?" " We're talking." " Now what?" " We have to fetch some ham salad." " We're closing up." " I'll be quick." "Got any ham salad?" " Sorry, we're out of containers." " I can buy one in the supermarket." "I don't think there's time." "If you were Superman, you could do it." "One moment." "I'll have my ham salad in this one." "I'm back." "I'll just have one more of those fine metal urns." " Anything wrong with the first one?" " No, it was just fine." "But I had to fill it with ham salad." "Just put it on my bill, will you?" " That was quick, eh?" " Real quick." "Now we just have to bury my mother, and then we're off to the lunch." " Might as well be thorough." " I think that's it." "Off we go." " Stop." " Hi, Frank." "We need to talk." "I want to show you these photos of Casper." "It doesn't look at all like him!" "Who is that supposed to be?" "Casper who?" "Christensen?" "From "Don't Forget Your Toothbrush"?" " He wears contact lenses now." " It doesn't look at all like him." " Our deal is off." " I'm sorry, Frank." "You said we'd get photos of Casper Christensen..." "No, I said you'd meet Casper Christensen!" "I don't remember the exact words, but we want our plot back." " It's up to Halmstad." " You are truly awful people." " It's up to Halmstad." " You are truly awful people." "Mother's coming with me!" " You were going to bury her!" " I couldn't get the right plot." "I'm not riding around with a dead person." "I've had it with this job!" "Spanky!" "We've really looked forward to seeing you naked." "I'm not riding with a dead person!" "Right!" "Get in the car." " Now what?" " I'll take the rubbish bins." "I told you so." "I haven't time to see the burial." "Goodbye, Mother." "Happy now?" "A sensitive stripper." "It just doesn't make sense." "Are we going to Casper's now?" "Promise?" "Yes." "In ten minutes you'll be undressing in front of six horny men." "If you're not too sensitive." "Hi, honey." " Who is that?" " The sexton." "Spanky." "I'm giving her a lift." "She's worn out from all that digging." "Green light!" " Who was that?" " My girlfriend." "I'm going to marry a stripper!" " Spanky, wait!" " Frank always gets the knickers." " I got everything else!" " To great entertainment." "She was working them individually." " I didn't know that was possible." " That's what I call multitasking." " Where do you find a girl like that?" " At the cemetery." " It was quite an adventure." " "Frankie goes to Boobywood"." " Oh, shut up, Jan." " It gives me an appetite." " Quiet, please." " It's ham salad time." "Friends." "As always, ham salad." "This is the highlight." "Pass the bread." "Pass the bread." "It has been harder than ever to get that ham salad." "We succeeded." "Frank has been all over the country to get it." " It was pretty messy." " It was awful." "But now it's here." " Bravo!" "Well done, Frank." " From the best delicatessen." "As tradition will have it." " This isn't ham salad." " If it is, it's pretty dry." " Nobody eats it." "Don't touch it." " Who put gravel in the ham salad?" "It's my mother." "It's my mother's ashes." " Frank, where is the ham salad?" " I buried two pounds of ham salad." " You buried..?" " I can see why." " I..." " Bloody hell, Frank." "Frank is a turd!"