"[SINGING] How's your love life?" "Well, thank your lucky stars" "Yes, thank your lucky stars" "It's doing fine" "Keep your love life As sweet as candy bars" "And thank your lucky stars Like I thank mine" "Everybody's living on less and less" "But you're okay" "You're such a big success, oh, yes" "You've got your love life" "And that's the only thing" "They won't be rationing" "They don't know how" "So thank your lucky stars" "Right now" "Thank your lucky stars right now" "Such a talent." "We must get her for the benefit." "positively." "lovely, Dinah, lovely." "Thank you." "Have you met our guest for tonight?" "Oh, John GarfieId?" "Yes." "Oh, certainly." "I've known Johnny for years." "You have?" "Uh-huh." "ConfidentiaIIy, I'm just a little bit worried." "You are?" "I've seen him in all those pictures, but tell me, is he really that tough?" "Tough?" "Oh, Don wilson John GarfieId is the sweetest, miIdest, gentlest boy you'd ever wanna meet in the whole world." "DON:" "really?" "DINAH:" "Sure." "I'm warning you, Cantor." "Stop telling me what to do." "If we get out there and you cross me up, I'm gonna flatten you." "I don't say that your way is wrong, only if you'd stand on the right side of the mike" "I'II stand where I stood." "You'II be hiding my face." "Is that bad?" "Now look, this is only a radio show." "You read your lines." "I'II read mine." "Don't fool around with that microphone." "fool around?" "Me?" "Cantor?" "I never interfere with anything." "With me, it's strictly live and let live." "Now, get ready, John, because we go right on." "You know what I mean?" "And here comes Eddie Cantor with his guest star that bad boy of Burbank, John GarfieId." "well, what are you gonna do for the folks, John?" "Nothing." "I ain't talking, see?" "Not till I get paid." "Let's not argue over money." "How much you want?" "Five thousand bucks." "Let's argue." "[LAUGHING]" "garfield, I'II admit you're a great dramatic actor." "In radio, you're helpless." "You can't tell jokes, don't sing." "Sing?" "Now, wouldn't that be cute?" "garfield singing a song." "Why, I couId just picture it." "I'm in the death house." "Waiting for the hot seat." "The reporters want the story of my Iife." "I ain't got time." "I tell them:" "It all began way back when...." "[SINGING] My mama done told me" "When I was in knee pants" "My mama done told me, John" "I'II never forget the day my mama done told me." "Picked me up on her lap, stroked my golden curls." "I was just 1 9 at the time and she said:" "A woman's a two-face" "A worrisome thing" "Who'll leave you to sing The blues in the night" "Now the rain's a-fallin'" "Now the train's a-callin' A-hooey, da-hooey" "It's a Iot of hooey." "I heard a train whistle, see?" "So I blew town." "I met the rat that started me on the road to crime." "Fish-eye Looey." "I wanted to kill him." "I grabbed him by the throat." "I squeezed and squeezed." "I wanted to pay him for making me an outlaw." "Shunned by society." "A stinker." "John." "Let go of me." "But he got away." "From Natchez to Sing Sing" "From Memphis to Alcatraz" "Wherever the rock piles grow" "Ha-ha." "I've been in the best jails Why, sure, I've seen me the best frails" "And just like my mama done told me, I met a two-faced woman." "Two-Kisser Bessie was her name." "They was handy, those two faces." "She could crack a safe and look out for the cops at the same time." "She was nuts about me till she fell for another guy, Fish-eye Looey." "I wanted to knock him off, see?" "I went to his hideout." "I broke down the door." "He wasn't there." "I waited." "I nabbed him." "I squeezed and squeezed." "John." "I squeezed harder and harder." "suddenly, I hear the sirens:" "Whoo!" "The bulls." "Somebody's tipped them off." "Somebody squeaIed to the cops." "My mama done told them." "My old lady, a stool pigeon." "I'm trapped." "Trapped like a rat." "They're coming in on me." "They're getting closer, closer:" "[IMITATES AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE]" "Oh, they got me." "Oh, Mama." "Mama, I gotta talk fast now." "You was right." "I've been in some big towns." "I heard me some big talk." "But there's one thing I know." "I can't die till I get even with Fish-eye." "Fish-eye." "A woman's a two-face" "A worrisome thing" "Who'll leave you to sing The blues in the night" "Good." "Good." "Good." "Thank you, John GarfieId." "Thank you very much and good night, John." "If you please, Cookie FairchiId." "[SINGING] Potatoes are cheaper" "Tomatoes are cheaper" "Now's the time to fall in love" "Why, the butcher, the baker" "[CONTINUES O VER RADIO] The candlestick maker" "Gave the price a downward shove" "Here we are." "Step right in the bus, folks." "We're leaving in a minute for a glimpse at the homes of hollywood's biggest movie stars." "It's the biggest 50-cent value in hollywood." "Don't miss this opportunity." "You can tell the folks you saw Bette Davis picking flowers in her own backyard." "There's a million thrills in beverly hills." "[MUSIC GETS LOUDER]" "Take a glamorous trip through the Sunset Strip." "Come on, driver." "It's 25 after 5." "Just let me get two more suckers, will you?" "I mean, customers." "Just two more." "No waiting." "No delay." "We leave in exactIy" "Hey, Pete." "will you please give me a break?" "It's tough without trying to out-shout that guy." "Okay." "Okay." "[MUSIC GETS QUIETER]" "Hi, Pete." "PETE:" "How are you, Mr. butler?" "Got a Sporting News?" "Yes." "How's it, Pete?" "Haven't seen you in quite a while." "olivia de havilland, alan hale." "Step right this way" "Are you going to the fights, Mark?" "hello." "Oh, hello, Joe." "What's that for?" "Have you given up acting?" "No, but, well, a fella's gotta make a living between pictures." "Oh, I see." "Say, you're directing a picture over..." "...at Warner Bros." "That's right, Joe." "You think there might be something there that I can play?" "Here's the man to ask, Joe." "This is my producer, Mark HeIIinger." "Joe Simpson." "hello, Joe." "Mr. HeIIinger, you really ought to use me, Mr. HeIIinger." "I've been reading your stories for years." "well, that makes two of us." "I'II tell you what you do." "Give me a ring at the studio." "would 6:00 be too early?" "I don't get in till 9." "I'II hold the wire." "[MEN LAUGH]" "See you later, Joe." "So long, Joe." "That's a funny guy." "clean him up and he's a ringer for Eddie Cantor." "That's his trouble, Mark." "I had him play a small part in a dramatic scene and the audience died laughing." "I had to shoot the thing over without him." "That's why nobody wants to use him." "Pretty rough deal." "Guy can't get a break because he looks too much like a star." "Yeah." "That's a new way of becoming a failure." "Hi, Pete." "PETE:" "Hi, Tommy." "The Cantor show?" "Yeah." "What time is it?" "Oh, about 5:27." "What's all the excitement about?" "Something big, Pete." "Big." "And when Tommy RandoIph says big, it's big." "[MUSIC GETS LOUDER]" "Say, this is too much." "Hey, what's the idea, Joe?" "Tommy, I thought you were a pal of mine." "I can't stand that popeyed baboon." "Why don't you relax?" "Aren't you imposing a little?" "Don't be impatient, folks." "[CANTOR CONTINUES SINGING O VER RADIO]" "How about it?" "Show the little lady all the homes of the movie stars." "I'm sorry." "I got an hour." "I gotta get back to my ship." "What better way can you spend your last hour than a bus ride?" "Are you kidding?" "Listen, we've been here for two hours." "When are you going to--?" "I hope you'II be listening again next Wednesday." "until then, ladies and gentlemen this is Eddie Cantor saying good night, everybody." "Come on, Dinah, John." "John." "I can think only of that Dinah Shore." "We must get her for the benefit." "When I am conducting her with my orchestra oh, boy, oh, boy, what effects I will get." "Orchestra and pia" " No, no, no." "We will talk to her." "Here." "To Dinah Shore?" "Yes." "Are you crazy?" "Why?" "That's not the way to get Dinah." "If you wanna get Dinah you don't talk to Dinah Shore." "If I want Dinah Shore, I don't talk to Dinah?" "No, no, no." "You talk to Eddie Cantor." "He's got her under exclusive contract." "That is we should talk to Eddie Cantor, but we won't." "Break it." "You're doubIe-park" "Leave." "We should talk to Cantor but we won't?" "No, because if we talk to Cantor now, he'II want to be in the benefit." "Oh, that's bad?" "We don't want him in the benefit." "We do want Dinah Shore." "However, if we talk to Cantor at the right time we may be able to get Dinah without Cantor." "Do you understand?" "No." "Pardon me." "A fresh guy." "What's the matter with these?" "There you are." "Let's have a little system here." "I know you want everybody's autograph, so go from one star to another." "This way, please." "Oh, come on." "Here you are, young man." "Can we go home now, uncle Eddie?" "Yeah." "Shh." "Quiet." "Mr. Cantor, I feel you're one of the greatest artists in the world today." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you very much." "I'd feel complimented..." "...if you'd honor me with your autograph." "Yeah." "Have you got a pen?" "I'II be very happy indeed." "It's for a little boy." "That's all right." "Anything else I can do for you?" "No, thanks." "You've done enough already." "It's a pleasure, sir." "Come in again." "[SINGING]" "Don't waste it, Tommy." "That all belongs to Eddie Cantor now." "You got it." "Got it?" "Listen, when Barney Jackson tells you he'II get you a contract, you get a contract." "Yippee!" "Oh-ho!" "careful." "careful." "careful." "That ink's still wet." "Barney, you're a great agent." "How much do I get?" "A hundred bucks a week." "Hundred bucks?" "Thanks, anyway, pal." "I guess that's all right for a start." "And my commission?" "Sixty bucks in advance." "Oh, sure." "Just wait till he hears me sing." "He'II tear up that contract, give me twice the salary." "He doesn't know what you're giving him." "But he'II find out." "There's 60 bucks, right?" "And there's your contract and good luck, kid." "Thanks." "When does he wanna see me?" "Oh." "You're supposed to report to Cantor's house tomorrow." "He's expecting you at 1 1 :00." "Okay." "No matter how big a star I get to be, I'II never forget you for this." "I know you won't." "So long, Barney." "So long, kid." "Mr. Jackson." "Mr. Jackson." "Oh, wait a minute." "Mr. Jackson." "Mr. Jackson." "well, hello there, Pat." "hello." "I was upstairs in your office and the furniture's gone, even the chairs." "What's going on around here?" "I'm moving into a new suite of offices." "A gorgeous place, carpets, the chairs that thick." "I see." "well, what about "Moondust"?" ""Moondust"? "Moondust."" "Yes, that's my song, remember?" "You guaranteed to get it published in two weeks a month ago." "I bet you thought I forgot all about it." "Look, those things take a little time, arrangements, copyrights." "I think I do." "Give me back my $50, Mr. Jackson." "Leave everything to me." "Barney never let a client down." "Listen here." "I might be from a small town, but I was not the village idiot." "I want my $50." "I'II give you a tip." "Show biz is all new to you." "You're still green, a novice." "Maybe." "You've got a Iot to Iearn, gotta have grace, poise, seIf-assurance." "What's that to do with it?" "When you sell a song don't let them know you're an amateur." "You gotta be professional, aggressive." "Be egotistical, understand?" "well, sure but" "There's $50 worth of advice." "And now we're even." "So long, kid." "So long, Mr. Jackson." "Even?" "Union Depot, buddy." "Wait, you big" "Hey, stop that man." "follow that cab." "Yes, ma'am." "Hurry up, please." "Wait a minute." "What am I doing?" "This isn't a taxi." "Oh, heck." "Oh, I'm sorry, miss." "If there's anything I can do to heIp" "Come on." "Let's get going." "We want our money back." "What are you doing?" "You've been stalling for over two hours." "Come on." "Get going, will you?" "We're passing the homes of some of our greatest stars." "On the Ieft, you'II see the residence of WaIter Houston." "What kind of a song was that you said you wrote?" "It was a beautiful, sentimental ballad." "That'II be refreshing." "AII you hear is "Scrub Me, Mama, With a salad Fork."" "Or "Beat Me, Baby, With a boiled Potato."" "Song or no song, what you ought to do is go home." "Oh, I couldn't go back to elk falls even if I wanted to." "I haven't got the money." "Oh, don't worry." "I'II help you." "I have plenty of friends." "We all live together." "Hedy Lamarr, Lana Turner, Betty GrabIe, all have homes over there on the Ieft." "Most of my friends live in Gower GuIch." "Gower GuIch?" "Yeah, all picture people." "Nothing very fancy but they're a great bunch." "I can't understand it." "Nobody even wants to hear my song." "Oh, this is a tough town." "Look at me, driving a bus so I can eat." "Me, a fine dramatic actor." "Now, ladies and gentlemen, on your right the home of Stewart T. HoIIingshead." "Who?" "Stewart T. HoIIingshead." "The great Vitagraph tragedian." "You must remember him in Death Before Dishonor?" "Never heard of him." "Never heard of him?" "His greatest role:" "The famous deathbed scene." "His family clustered around his bed." "Oh, I can see him now." "There he lies, droning with pain." "He raises himself up on one elbow and says:" ""I want you to promise me one thing and one thing alone." "My son, before I die...." "Before I die...."" "Hey, Mama, ain't he funny?" "He looks just like Eddie Cantor." "Oh, Mama, he pushed me, Mama." "[BAND PLAYING]" "That's great, Spike." "Now give us "Otchi Chornia."" "Uh!" "Uh!" "[BLEATING]" "Phew." "Uh!" "Uh!" "[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]" "Hey." "Hey." "Baa, baa." "[SNEEZING]" "Spike, you're a cinch." "I'm gonna see to it personally you boys get a radio spot." "Here comes WhirIaway on the outside." "Come on over, Joe." "Are you sure they won't mind?" "I'm positive." "This is one place you can stay as long as you Iike." "Oh, swell." "Come on, now." "Joe, Joe, great news." "I got it." "I finally got it." "You got it." "He got it." "You got what?" "My radio deal." "A hundred a week, option's for five years." "I'm set." "Are you kidding?" "On the level?" "Yeah." "He got it." "He got it." "I got" "Yeah." "well, hello." "hello." "I beg your pardon." "This is Pat." "She's a songwriter." "This is my friend Tommy." "Howdy, Pat." "A great night." "How do you do?" "They're throwing a party." "Meet the gang." "Gosh, what news." "What a break." "Who did you sign with?" "Eddie Cantor." "Eddie Cantor." "That's fi" "only four minutes from Vine Street, but it's like a different world." "Here's where we all live, honey." "Not classy, but it's enough when you're on short dough." "well, this is something even RipIey wouldn't believe." "Didn't cost us a dime." "We built the whole thing out of old discarded movie sets." "Quaint, isn't it?" "well, it's either very quaint or very corny." "Quaint or corny, I Iove it." "Good old Gower GuIch." "Kind of hate to leave it." "But...." "well, it's hardly the right address for a radio star." "[SINGING]" "What do you do on the radio?" "What do I do?" "I sing." "Songs?" "popular songs?" "I don't mean "Shortnin' Bread."" "Oh, gosh." "Oh, I suppose you sing whatever they tell you to, though, don't you?" "Me?" "Not a chance." "I sing what I Iike." "really?" "Any song you want?" "They're not gonna tell Tommy RandoIph." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Look" "I'm gonna pick all my tunes exclusively from the hit parade." "I'm smart enough to sing nothing but hits." "Now, here's a piece of furniture with a reputation." "Oh, is it?" "Sit down?" "AII right." "Yes, sir." "This is really something." "Humphrey Bogart and Ida Lupino played a terrific love scene right in this thing." "My, still warm, isn't it?" "Kind of romantic here, all right." "The moon and the stars and the moon." "Come on, sit down." "You know, my latest song was about the moon." "would you Iike to hear it?" "Some other time." "When Bogart was making love to Lupino right on this bench he put his arm around her." "Yes, that was wonderful." "But I think Ida was much better in Give the Little Girl a Break" " Did you see it?" "Not that I remember." "There was one scene where she goes to the home of this great singer." "She pleads with him." "She pleads." "She says:" ""You've got to listen to my song, do you hear?" "You've got to." "You've been putting me off long enough." "'Yes, Miss Dixon." "No, Miss Dixon." "I've got to go, Miss Dixon.'" "Don't you think I know you're not interested in my song?" "Or the moon, for that matter?" "You've got it all figured out, haven't you?" "You've been awfully smart, haven't you?" "well, get this:" "I wrote that song for you." "For you, do you hear?" "You made me do it." "Yes." "Yes, that's it." "You made me do it."" "And then she sings that beautiful song about the moon." "I don't remember that picture at all." "Come on." "I'II show you where Joe and I Iive." "Here we are." "Home, sweet home." "Cozy, isn't it?" ""Home, Sweet Home." That's a good song." "Yeah." "Step inside and look around." "AII right." "well, not much privacy, is there?" "That's us." "always open house." "We salvaged this from The Roaring Twenties- Remember Jimmy Cagney in that picture?" "Do I remember Jimmy Cagney?" "He was wonderful." "That big scene where he backs the crooked producer up against the wall and he says:" ""Look here, sonny boy." "Are you gonna listen to this kid's song?" "Or do I slap you in the kisser with a grapefruit?" "So it's not on the hit parade." "It's not on the hit parade." "So what?" "You're gonna put it there, see?" "Because little Jimmy told you to, see?" "[CLICKS TONGUE]" "When you sing it, you're not doing me a favor." "No." "You're doing yourself a favor." "But just the same, my mother thanks you, my father thanks you my sister thanks you and I thank you."" "And then he does that terrific dance routine." "AII right, don't knock yourself out." "I'II listen to your song." "Oh, swell." "You'II love the title." "I call it-- CHARLIE:" "Tommy." "Tommy RandoIph?" "Tommy." "Yeah?" "Come on back, will you?" "Who are we throwing this party for?" "Okay." "Hurry." "Hurry up." "Let's go." "Wait, aren't you gonna listen to my song?" "You heard what charlie said." "Come on." "Here he is now." "Okay, okay, do you want action?" "Yes." "AII right." "We'II give it to you." "Yeah." "Let them have it, Spike." "AII right." "[SINGING] Sprinkle me with perfume rare" "And I'll be on my way" "Stick some slickum on my hair" "I may be gone all day" "Oh, I'm ridin' for a fall" "Dudin' up, dudin' up In my shirts and ties" "For the gal with the big blue eyes" "Oh, I'm ridin' for a fall" "Dudin' up, dudin' up In my two-tone shoes" "For the gal with the baby blues" "CHORUS:" "Oh, yes, I know She's a dangerous critter, I know" "She's a dangerous critter, I know" "She's a dangerous critter, I know" "But I can't quit her" "I'm ridin' for a fall" "Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise" "To the gal with the big blue eyes" "Oh, yes, I know She's a witch of a woman, I know" "She's a witch of a woman" "I know, she's a witch of a woman" "I know" "But I'm so human" "I'm ridin' for a fall" "Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise" "To the gal with the big blue eyes" "Oh, yes, I know People died of her cookin', I know" "People died of her cookin', I know People died of her cookin'" "But, oh, she's so good-lookin'" "I'm ridin' for a fall" "Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise" "To the gal with the big blue eyes" "Oh, yes, I know" "Oh, yes, I know" "She's a quick on the trigger, I know" "Oh, yes, I know" "She's a quick on the trigger, I know" "Oh, yes, I know" "She's a quick on the trigger" "I know" "But, oh, that figure" "I'm ridin' for a fall" "Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise" "To the gal with the big blue eyes" "Oh, yes, I know" "She'll be spendin' my sugar" "I know" "She'll be spendin' my sugar" "I know" "She'll be spendin' my sugar" "But, oh" "Oh, you can't rhyme sugar" "I'm ridin' for a fall" "Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise" "To the gal with the big blue eyes" "Yes, I'm ridin' for a fall" "Yes, I'm ridin' for a fall" "Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise" "To the gal with the big blue eyes" "Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise" "To the gal with the big blue eyes" "Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise" "To the gal with the big blue eyes" "You made the mistake of your life signing up with that Cantor." "He'II clip you somehow." "Joe, will you just take me to the man's home?" "I can take care of myself." "I'II breeze in, knock the old boy dead with numbers." "After we settle the biIIing" "You'II sing him "Moondust."" "Yeah." ""Moondust"?" "What's "Moondust"?" "well, that's my song." "Tommy's gonna sing it for his new boss." "Yeah, I kind of promised Pat last night." "Why not?" "If a guy's got influence, he should use it." "That's right." "If you'II sing that song, you'd better get familiar with the lyric." "Go ahead." "Read them." "Let's see, now." ""Moondust" by Irving Dixon." "That's my pen name." "Irving?" "well, berlin did all right with it." "Yes, he did all right, yeah." "I'II just give you the first chorus." ""Moondust, you shone from above." "Moondust, you lit up my love." "Moondust, you gave love a shove right into my arms."" "solid, huh?" "Yeah, yes, very good." "Yeah, that's good." "That's good." ""Moondust, why did I faII?" "Moondust, why did love call?" "Moondust, you had so much on the ball." "That you made me fall for his charms."" "Arms and charms, that's nice rhyme." "Yeah?" "Quite unusual." "It's like moon and spoon." "It's solid." "Now, dig this finish." ""Though he looked like grade A beneath that old milky Way, he left me." "But now I'm wise." "There's no kiss on my lips." "There's a total eclipse because, moondust, you got in my eyes."" "AII it needs is a little more moondust." "Yeah?" "I got a Iot of extra choruses too, you know?" "You'II never top that one." "Oh, thanks." "You think this song is right for Mr. Cantor?" "Nobody else should ever have that number." "Let me get this straight." "You want Dinah Shore for a benefit?" "What kind of a benefit?" "It's just one of those things." "You know, for allied charities." "allied charity?" "You mean the Cavalcade of Stars this Saturday?" "That's it." "Every star in the business will be there." "It will be the biggest, the greatest." "It will be a nice little show." "little show?" "Why, it'II be sensational." "well, of course you can have Dinah Shore." "really?" "OIaf, how long have we been at that thing?" "About 1 5 minutes." "Enough." "I don't wanna get tired." "Can you have Dinah Shore?" "You certainly can." "She'II be marvelous." "Dinah will come and sing a song." "I'II do seven or eight numbers, half an hour, with applause, 45 minutes." "Before I get through, it'II be a great show." "A great show." "Mr. Cantor, really, I don't believe that you understand." "You don't grip the point we are driving into." "Even if we didn't have a reason to not want you which we got, we still don't want you." "Yup." "No, no, no." "What Dr. SchIenna is trying to say is that we are using motion-picture names exclusively." "Motion--?" "I've been a star for years." "Won't you call me a name?" "Oh, definitely." "But not the kind I couId put in lights." "That's very funny." "I know what you're thinking about." "I'm gonna use old jokes." "Like when I walk into a store and the woman says:" ""Sonny, would you mind holding that door open?" I said, "Sonny?" "I'd Iike to have you know I'm the father of five girls."" "She said, "would you mind repeating that?" I said, "Not if I can help it."" "Oh, yes." "I've always laughed at that one." "I don't do those old jokes anymore." "How would you Iike to hear a song they wrote for me today?" "No." "Fine." "I'II let you hear it." "Oh, but, we haven't time." "OIaf." "A couple of choruses." "It'II take half an hour." "olaf, do you remember the number?" "I'II fake it." "Just a minute, OIaf." "That's fine." "Boys, sit down." "I always like to give the help a treat." "They love me." "[BUZZING]" "Uh-oh." "He's on again." "If I have to hear him sing once more I'II scream." "Here we go again." "And what about the roast beef?" "Never mind the roast beef." "We gotta watch the ham." "Come on, everybody." "One way of keeping your help, entertain them." "Come on, everybody." "Get ready for your treat." "I always try out my new songs on the household staff." "If they laugh, I use the new song." "If they don't" "We'II get a new staff." "[STAFF LAUGHING]" "CANTOR:" "play, OIaf." "[SINGING] Thank you for your cordial invitation" "Mrs" " Jones" "But with nightclub life, we're through" "Nonessential spending brings inflation Mrs" " Jones" "So here's what we're planning to do" "We're staying home tonight My baby and me" "Doing the patriotic thing" "I've got my income-tax return to hurdle" "And she'll be saving mileage On her girdle" "Don't wanna roam tonight" "We're snug as can be" "Hoping the phone will never ring" "The landlord never told us When we moved in this flat" "That you can use the fireside For more than a chat" "We're staying home tonight My baby and me" "Doin' the patriotic thing" "We're staying home tonight Baby and me" "Having a patriotic time" "It's not that Mommy Doesn't trust her poppy" "It's just that we don't trust our old jalopy" "Don't wanna roam tonight" "We're snug as can be" "Being alone is just sublime" "While I sit in my slippers And munch a piece of fruit" "She'll iron out the wrinkles In my victory suit" "We're staying home tonight My baby and me" "Having a patriotic time" "We'll play a game of rummy" "It's cheaper than The Ritz" "The winner wins a kiss And just in case of a blitz" "We're staying home tonight My baby and me" "Having a patriotic time" "Her coffee could be sweeter But I'm not in the dumps" "Because every time she hugs me It's like two extra lumps" "We're staying home tonight Baby and me" "Having a patriotic time" "What?" "only one bow?" "They love me." "Wait for me." "I'II be out soon." "Good luck." "We'II keep our fingers crossed." "Boys, I can't understand it." "Me with my experience in benefits." "Why don't you want me?" "Why?" "well, Mr. Cantor, to be brutally frank you have the reputation of taking over everything you participate in." "Me?" "I take over?" "Yes, please." "Yes, the whole town knows it." "You're nothing but an old fussbudget." "Me?" "That's right." "You are an old fudgerbudget." "A buzz" " Buzzerbudget" " Fudge-- What he said." "But, boys." "No, no, no" "Boys, I am merely trying to help." "merely trying to help." "That is the trouble." "We don't need help, Mr. Cantor." "I'm staging this show." "We are striving for an esoteric production." "SatiricaIIy, intime- AestheticaIIy, entrez nous" "And we don't want it stunk up." "Yes, yeah." "That's what we don't want it." "What?" "Stunk up." "That's" " That I can say." "Listen, all we want is Dinah Shore." "If you want Dinah, take her." "She's yours." "As for myself, I want nothing." "absolutely nothing." "Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Cantor." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I want nothing at all." "You'II make me chairman of the committee?" "Chairman of the committee?" "CANTOR:" "Why, certainly." "That is out." "definitely out." "Right." "If that's the way you feel about it no Cantor, no Dinah Shore and no sandwiches." "No, no, no." "Very well." "Come, SchIenna." "Wait a minute, boys." "Let's not be hasty." "Of course, we can talk this thing over" "Hi, Mr. Cantor." "I'm glad to see you." "I'm Tommy." "You see, you don't have to rush away-- Who?" "Tommy RandoIph." "You know, radio program." "Radio program?" "Yeah." "Look, I'm busy." "I'II see you." "As I was saying" "Take your time." "After all, we got a whole career ahead of us, eh, Eddie?" "There's no point to any further discussion." "Come." "You don't understand." "I'm sure that we can iron this thing out." "We don't want to iron." "We just want Dinah Shore." "I discovered her." "I discovered Dinah Shore." "She isn't the only one, eh, Eddie?" "Of course not." "Why, she" "Look, young man, I'm a little bit busy and I'II see you in a few minutes." "Is that all right?" "How can you think of Dinah working without me?" "It's like bread without butter, ham without eggs." "Like Cantor without RandoIph." "Cantor without RandoIph." "Who's RandoIph?" "Who's RandoIph?" "Combination of Dennis Day, Kenny Baker and Bing Crosby..." "...all rolled into one, that's all." "Look" "Whoever you are, just take a nice long walk or a swim, will you?" "will you do that for me?" "I'm sure that we can get together." "Not on your terms, Mr. Cantor." "Your whole attitude has been highly uncooperative, extremely ungenerous." "Wait a minute." "Wait." "You can't talk like that to Mr. Cantor." "Quiet." "He's the most generous man I've met." "Speak up." "Everybody knows Mr. Cantor's generosity." "There you are." "What was I yesterday?" "Yeah." "Nothing, nobody." "Nobody." "What am I today?" "What?" "A star." "And you wanna know why?" "Go on, tell them, son." "I'II tell you why." "Because this man, the soul of generosity, took me, an unknown kid without an audition." "Took me and signed me up to a contract." "The boy is right." "He's absolutely ri" "Contract?" "What are you talking about?" "What kind of a contract?" "I've got it right with me, boss." "well, who-?" "Nobody's going around insulting Eddie." "No, no, no." "Not while he's got me for a hundred bucks." "Say, this is a contract." "silly of me to forget." "Oh, OIaf." "That's all right." "You've got plenty on your mind." "plenty." "olaf, this young man has a contract with me." "Let's show him inside, shall we?" "Don't trouble yourselves, Eddie." "Oh, no trouble at all, eh, OIaf?" "It's a pleasure." "I'II see you in a minute, gentlemen." "[CANTOR HUMMING "LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN"]" "Tommy's been in there quite a while now." "I wonder how he's coming out." "CANTOR:" "Stay out of here." "gentlemen, have you reached a decision?" "Oh, yes." "Yes, Mr. Cantor, we have." "And against our better judgment" "We must have Dinah Shore." "So we have decided to make you chairman of the benefit committee." "But it is clearly understood the position is entirely honorary and you are not to interfere with the show." "Me interfere with the show?" "Me--?" "If I interfere, I hope I never take a bow again as long as I Iive." "Why, I won't even come to rehearsal." "CANTOR [SINGING] :" "One, two" "Now you're dancing" "One, two, watch your tempo" "Play that music" "Pizzicato" "You girls get over there" "Hold that tempo" "Now, girls, follow me" "One, two, three, four" "Look." "Look." "Look what he does with that beautiful music and my orchestration." "Your orchestration." "What about my dance routine?" "He's ruined it." "He's ruined it, I tell you." "I know it." "And why?" "Because you had to make him chairman of the committee." "And why?" "Because you had to have Dinah Shore." "please don't blame me with your blaming." "blame you?" "Who's blaming you?" "I am." "That's who." "please." "well, why don't you insult him like we discussed it?" "Why don't you insult him like we discussed it?" "I will tell you." "Because you are more disgusting than me." "Is that so?" "Who do you think you are anyway?" "Wait a minute, girls." "hold everything." "Boys, stop playing the music." "Stop the music." "gentlemen, you are ruining my rehearsal." "Your rehearsal?" "Our rehearsal." "You're ruining our rehearsal." "But, boys, what have I done?" "We had this number rehearsed and perfect four hours ago." "And then you came into the picture." "And let me tell you, we're about fed up with you and your interference." "Fed up, do you hear me?" "Up to here." "Aren't we, doctor?" "Higher." "You see?" "I can't understand it." "You should thank me for coming." "The music was bad." "The lighting was no good." "But one thing I will say, who designed that costume?" "That's my work." "I did." "congratulations." "Someone should give you a hotfoot up to here." "Higher." "What's that animal it shouldn't happen to?" "A dog." "That's it." "Now, girls, we'II try it again." "Boys, close your curtains." "I wanna keep this very intimate." "Come down here." "This will be the biggest thing I've ever done." "And I've done some big things." "Sometimes I even frighten myself." "Now, listen to me." "We've got to do something about Cantor." "We gotta get rid of him." "You take him away someplace and talk to him." "Oh, no." "talk to him." "I don't want to talk to him." "No, no." "He told me today three times the story of his life." "No." "No, no, no." "The story of his life?" "Why, that's it." "That is it." "The story of his life." "Doctor, you're a genius." "naturally." "Keep the line straight." "You're doing fine." "It's by accident." "That's it." "MAN:" "Mr. Cantor." "Yes, sir." "You're wanted on the telephone." "Thank you, son." "Son?" "hello?" "Just a minute, please." "Who's winning?" "I am." "I've got half of your game." "Yes?" "Mr. Cantor, this is colonel Robert E. Jefferson of the Montgomery Post Gazette, sir." "Yes, sir." "Look, I'm a very busy man and I'm not doing any advertising this year." "We allow as how you're very busy, sir but what we all down-- Down here wants from you all up there is the complete story of your life, sir." "My life?" "A pleasure, colonel." "I'II make it brief." "Just pull up a chair." "You begin right at the beginning, sir, and don't omit any of the details no matter how boring they may be, sir." "Yes, sir." "Fine." "well, colonel, my ancestors crossed the plains in the first covered wagon." "If you ever saw my ancestors, you'd understand why the wagon was covered." "Ha-ha-ha." "Don't print that." "I was born in September" "Psst." "Boy." "MAN:" "Yes." "tell Dr. SchIenna to put that Jack Carson-AIan HaIe number on right away." "The Carson-HaIe number, Dr. SchIenna." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "[SINGING] Weren't you on the bill with me In Dallas?" "Or was it the Palace?" "Or was it the Strand?" "Didn't you have a blond with you Named Alice?" "Yes, that was in Dallas" "And wasn't she grand?" "I know your face, it's a face in a million" "Shake, brother, shake With a brother vaudevillian" "hello." "hello." "hello." "hello." "You look all ready to go But where you're goin' to go" "I certainly wish you'd let me know" "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "A happy follow am I And though you'll call me an awful sap" "Who?" "Me?" "I found a wonderful spot on the map" "I'm goin' North" "He's goin' North" "Not talkin' about South" "Not talkin' about South" "Not talkin' about West" "One place he loves best" "I'm shoutin' I don't wanna live without the" "Why don't they write a song about the--?" "North" "You heard him say North" "Not talkin' about East" "He never mentioned East" "I just wanna feast" "Oh, boy, what a feast" "These eyes on Syracuse and Albany" "Buffalo and Schenectady" "North is my favorite direction" "Pointin' to the State of Maine" "Pardon me, boy If that's the Chattanooga Choo Choo" "Well, I guess I must be On the wrong train" "Because I'm heading" "North" "I think you mean it" "I've been back and forth" "You've really seen it?" "Oh, Mother You can take a rock and slam me" "If I should ever call you Mammy Way up North" "Two, three, four" "Two, three, four" "Six, seven, eight" "Six, seven, eight" "Stop, I'm goin' North" "He's still goin' North" "Too lazy down South" "Hates the sugar cane in his mouth" "Too lonely out West" "Pardner, get it off your chest" "I can't begin to tell you how I love the" "Cities and states and counties of the" "North" "He knows his own mind" "Northeast will not do" "He's quite particular" "Northwest gets me blue" "He's perpendicular" "Head straight For Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" "Labrador and on and on to the North" "That's my favorite direction" "Pointin' up to Hudson Bay" "Pardon me, boy" "But when the midnight choo-choo leave For Alabama" "I won't be goin' your way" "Because I'm headin'" "North" "He'll never have a famine" "I've been back and forth" "He lives on Nova Scotia salmon" "You'll find me Where there is no cotton pickin'" "Never again to fry a chicken" "Way up North" "Stop, the North is my favorite direction" "Stop, the North is my favorite direction" "Pointin' to the Arctic Sea" "Pointin' to the Arctic Sea" "Pardon me, boy, Is this the road to Mandalay?" "Well, you can go to Mandalay but not me" "Because we're headin'" "North" "Is that your attitude?" "I've been back and forth" "In every latitude?" "We are the only act in vaudeville" "That never will be content Until we're way up" "Mush" "Hey" "Way up" "Way up" "We're not from Dixie" "Way up" "Way up" "We are from hunger" "We are from hunger" "Way up North" "Way up North" "Yes, sir." "Anyway, colonel, thanks to perseverance and clean living by the time I was 2 years old, I made money to retire." "So I kept right on working." "When I was 3, I entered school, but at the end of the first term, I quit and opened up a school of my own." "Some months later, I was married and everybody congratulated my wife" "I was the catch of the season" "hello." "How are you?" "congratulations, charlie." "I'm glad somebody in Gower GuIch got a job." "Yeah, that's swell." "Just heard about it, fellows." "Don't let these Cherokee union suits fool you." "We got all dolled up to take publicity pictures with Edward G. Robinson." "We made him an honorary chief." "It's a newspaper plug for Cavalcade of Stars" "That's that benefit Saturday night, isn't it?" "Yeah." "I've got to get out of these things." "My girdle is killing me." "[LAUGHING]" "The Cavalcade of Stars- Boy, that's really gonna be a show." "Bette Davis, Ann Sheridan, Humphrey Bogart." "What a benefit." "Every big shot's there." "I'm my best in front of a professional audience." "If I had a chance to sing for a crowd like that, I bet I'd get a dozen contracts." "You want an aspirin?" "What's the matter?" "I've got an idea." "Why don't you do it?" "What don't I what?" "Go to the theater and tell them to put you on Saturday." "Pat, you forget one little item." "You know I have a great voice, so do I. They don't." "Let me give you a tip." "In show business, you've got to have poise." "Be professional." "Be aggressive." "Be egotistical." "You understand?" "With my personality, I couldn't get through that stage door." "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that." "Joe, can you get him in?" "After all, Davis and I are pals." "Bette Davis, the actress?" "No." "Max Davis, the doorman." "Come on, then." "What are we waiting for?" "Wait a minute." "I'm not so sure." "Yeah, but it's worth a try." "If it works, it'II be a break for you." "Oh, and for "Moondust" too." "Yeah, "Moondust."" "Yeah, "Moondust."" "well, Iet's go." "Let's go." "JOE:" "She said, "Let's go."" "CANTOR:" "This ought to make great reading- Inspirational stuff" " Now, to continue" "By that time, I had five lovely daughters, all girls." "That's the year I made Whoopie for ZiegfeId." "Am I boring you, colonel?" "Yes, indeed." "Oh, certainly not, Mr. Cantor." "No, of course not." "It's most interesting." "Pray, continue, sir." "Mr." "Farnsworth." "What do you want?" "Have you got time for Ann Sheridan?" "Have I got time for A--?" "The question is, has Ann Sheridan got time for me?" "Have we got time to rehearse her number?" "Oh, the number?" "Yes." "Go ahead with it." "Go ahead." "Go ahead." "Go ahead." "Go ahead with Ann Sheridan." "Come on, boys, boys, boys." ""And so, young ladies, feminine charm and dignity must be preserved." "Let man pursue, Iet woman elude."" "It is always thus that love is born." "Here is a book, enormous, on how to conduct our lives." "[SINGING] Everything will come to her who waits" "But how long must a lady wait for dates?" "Somebody please inform us" "Exactly how love arrives" "You've got to join in the chase yourself" "Now, here's my story, so brace yourself" "Love isn't born on a beautiful April morn" "Love isn't born, it's made" "And that's why every window Has a window shade" "Love can't do much For a couple who don't quite touch" "Love needs a chance to advance" "And that's why folks who never cared For dancing', dance" "So, my precious young dove If you're waitin' for love" "Better make the most of your charms" "For the feelin' won't start In the gentleman's heart" "Till you're in the gentleman's arms" "Love isn't born" "That's a fable to treat with scorn" "Let's call a spade a spade" "When he says "Dear, come up and see my antique jade"" "Remember, love isn't born" "It's made" "How true, how true, how very, very true It's all a game" "How wise, how wise, how very, very wise To fan the flame" "That old Prince Charming story Was a fake" "The Sleeping Beauty Must have been awake" "You've got us all believing in you" "Continue, please continue" "Love has to climb" "It can't suddenly ring that chime" "Climb, sister, time is short" "Sister, won't you be a sport?" "You'll find there's no partition In a davenport" "No partition, no partition in a davenport" "Love doesn't act" "Till the cards are discretely stacked" "Here is a fact to face" "Yes, you gotta face the fact" "A man won't take a taxi Just to get no place" "How they hate a taxi gettin' no place" "So, my precious young dove If you're dreamin' of love" "Better lead him into the trap" "For you'll never remain On the gentleman's brain" "Till you're on the gentleman's lap" "Love won't exist" "Oh, no" "If you constantly slap that wrist" "You do and you'll be" "Right off his list, you'll fade" "Yes, you gotta be careful" "So don't keep cryin' wolf At every gay young blade" "And when you walk alone and forlorn" "And then you hear a Cadillac horn" "Remember, love isn't born" "It's made" "Uh-oh." "Max Davis." "What about him?" "That's not him." "Huh?" "well, Iet's go home and wash the bus." "No, wait." "Let's wash this up first." "That's right." "When Tommy RandoIph says he's gonna get in someplace, nobody keeps him out." "Now you're talking." "That's what I call taking the bull by the horns." "Yeah, but look at that bull." "[WHISTLING]" "hello." "Where are you going?" "There." "I gotta see a man about a job." "You must have skipped reading when you went to school." "Why, nobody gets in there." "Now, blow, will you?" "blow." "If Tommy wants to get in, nobody keeps him out." "Nobody except the doorman." "Uh-oh." "What now?" "Another idea?" "And what an idea." "Come on, Joe." "Now wait, you don't understand." "I understand my orders." "Nobody goes in there without a written pass." "Now, blow, kiddie." "You can't do it." "You can't break my heart and toss me aside like a flower." "You can't do it, Harry." "But-- But" " But Harry." "Oh, don't hit me again." "please don't." "AII I ask is bread for our three little babies." "Oh, please, Harry." "Don't twist my arm." "You've got me mixed up with somebody else." "It's Joe." "You beast." "How can you let your children starve while you buy champagne for that hussy?" "Can I be of assistance?" "How dare you interfere in a conversation." "will you mind your business?" "Champagne?" "I was onIy" "Keep your mouth out of this." "If we need your help, we'II ask for it." "Yes." "You think you're a wise guy or something." "JOE:" "Yes, I'm a wise guy or something." "[MOUTHING] Go on" "DOORMAN:" "What about it?" "plenty about it." "You think you're tough, huh?" "I'm tough." "Wanna make something out of it?" "Take off them glasses, shrimp." "AII right, there." "What are you gonna do about it?" "well, hello, gentlemen." "How do you do?" "We're very busy and I'm" "Oh, hello." "How are you?" "hello." "That was some cIambake at the pool yesterday." "Cantor made a horse's neck out of me." "Horse's neck?" "Together with us, that makes one complete horse." "Nobody can treat me like that and get away." "If I ever lay my hands on the broken-down runt" "Yes, yes, go on." "I'II break every bone in his body." "You will kick him a few times too, yes?" "And maybe step on his face a little?" "well, I don't wanna bother you with my headache." "I came to get in the show." "In this show?" "Yes." "Who do I see?" "You see us." "No, no, no." "No?" "Yes, of course." "Go right ahead." "Not us." "We can't go over the head of the chairman." "No, we can't." "See the chairman of the committee." "swell." "Where do I find him?" "Right in that office, there." "walk right in." "Oh, thank you." "Thank you very much." "You don't have to knock." "Then came the stock-market crash and I opened up an antique shop." "Such antiques." "No, no." "None of my jokes." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Come in." "well, of cour" " well, naturally." "Pardon me." "They told me I couId find the" "You again?" "olaf." "OLAF:" "Stay out of here." "Oh, I'm sorry, Joe." "please, Pat, if you get any more ideas, leave me out of them." "well, you made a great sacrifice, Joe." "Yeah." "At least we know Tommy's sitting pretty." "well, anyhow, sitting." "Oh, my jaw." "How can you eat like that with the fall you took?" "Where I landed, it doesn't hurt my appetite." "I can't help feeling we're overlooking something." "There's a way to get Tommy in that show." "I'd be in it if it weren't for that weasel." "I'II get even with him if I have to break every sidewalk in town." "Now you know how I feel." "I hope I never hear his obnoxious name again." "WOMAN:" "Eddie Cantor." "[COUGHING]" "[WOMAN LAUGHING]" "please forgive me for laughing, but every time I see that ridiculous face...." "Mr. Cantor, I simply must have an autograph." "I'm sorry but I don't happen to be the" "Those glasses didn't fool me." "I'd know little Eddie anywhere." "And those silly, silly eyes." "You will give me your autograph, won't you, pretty please?" "Look, I don't wanna disappoint you-- TOMMY:" "Go on." "Sign it." "Let the lady go back to her table, Eddie." "Eddie?" "Oh." "Oh, oh." "Oh, thank you, you dear, dear funny man." "And remember, if you ever come to Peoria, I'd Iike to spend some Wednesday with you." "Don't you forget now." "Goodbye." "[CRASHING]" "Oh, I beg your pardon." "Goodbye." "You see, I'm haunted." "It's a curse." "Wait a minute, Joe." "What's the matter, Pat?" "You got a pain?" "No, she's got another idea." "I'm gonna fill the bus." "No, wait." "If you were Eddie Cantor, you'd let Tommy sing tomorrow night, wouldn't you?" "Of course he would." "He's my pal." "AII right, we'II cut his hair a little bit, take off those glasses and presto, Joe Simpson is Eddie Cantor." "Now, just a minute." "He goes down to the theater and tells them to put me on." "I can see the whole thing." "If you can see me at the theater, you need glasses." "No, I'm not gonna do it." "Not even for you." "Oh, but, Joe." "He's right, Tommy." "It's too much to ask." "After all, a part like this requires great acting." "Acting?" "What do you mean, acting?" "What a part." "An actor's dream." "A chance to impersonate your own worst enemy?" "Too bad." "Joe couldn't handle it." "No." "Who couldn't handle it?" "I, sir, am an actor." "well, yeah." "But I don't think we can risk it." "But you've got to." "This is my big chance." "What do your think, Pat?" "well, okay." "Thank you, Pat." "I'II never forget you for this." "But how are we gonna get rid of Cantor?" "Huh?" "You can't have the two of us running around the theater." "Yeah, we've gotta get rid of him somehow." "Yeah, but how?" "You can't give him back to the Indians." "Indians." "That's it." "Indians." "Indians." "[ALL HOOTING]" "Uh." "Uh-huh." "Sure, Joe." "Be glad to help you out." "Don't do anything to him that won't hurt." "Don't worry." "We'II talk it over when you get here." "Thanks a million." "How'd you make out?" "What did he say?" "What did he say?" "We're all set." "I told you." "Yeah." "Good old charlie." "I'II show them I'm an actor." "A great actor." "This is the start of your new career." "No more tourists, bus." "What a pleasure." "Hey, Joe." "Two suckers in the bus." "well, business before pleasure." "So long." "So long, Joe." "Goodbye." "See you later." "Yeah." "Oh, if this only works." "Pat, you were wonderful." "Oh, sure." "Sometimes being a genius comes in handy." "No kidding." "When I get to be a star, I'II thank you for it." "Oh, think nothing of it." "I think more of it than you realize." "Here's a cute number. "No You, No Me."" "It's kind of appropriate too." "[MUSIC PLAYS]" "[SINGING] Without you, I'll never be much" "Without you, my plans will fall through" "So I have prepared this reliable Collection of facts undeniable" "To point out how much I depend on you" "No sunny little sunbeam" "No springtime" "No tasty little apple" "No pie" "No tricky little trombone" "No swing time" "No one and one, no two" "Nothing could be more true" "No rainy little raindrop" "No ocean" "No lovely one to sigh for" "No sigh" "Oh, honey." "And there's my little song of devotion" "Which all adds up so obviously No you, no me" "No 60 little minutes" "Oh, no hour" "No healthy little moo-cow" "No cream" "No alternating current" "No power" "No great Tchaikovsky tunes" "No hit-parade moons in June" "No pretty little mirror" "No reflection" "No pretty little dream girl" "No dreams" "Plus lots of other terms of affection" "Which all add up more personally No you, no me" "In other words, I'm hot on your trail" "Mm-mm." "VOICE:" "No sale" "Mr. Farnsworth hates animals." "Better get this out before he sees it." "Mr." "Cantor ordered it and he got it." "well, don't say I didn't tell you." "I tell you, SchIenna." "It is chaos." "Just utter chaos." "You hear his latest idea?" "What?" "He wants us to dress the girls as boiled potatoes and have them dive in a tank of sour cream." "ridiculous." "It would splash." "Why--?" "Mr." "Farnsworth." "What?" "Attend to these?" "What?" "Just initial them." "Why?" "Don't argue." "please don't argue with me." "I tell you I can't stand anymore." "I can't stand it." "No." "Seven hours till curtain time and Cantor wants to change our finale." "Oh, I tell you, he's just wrecking my Iife." "Thank you, SchIenna." "Thank you." "I know exactly how you feel." "I know that I have your sympathy." "But if that man, Cantor, makes one more suggestion" "[SCREAMS]" "No, no." "You must not lose your grip." "Whatever happens, keep" "A lion." "please, help." "A lion." "A lion." "A lion." "AII right." "No danger." "You just look him straight in the eye, huh?" "But, here, halt, halt." "This I don't believe." "What's the idea of these animals?" "They're for the harlem number." "Mr. Cantor changed the scene to the jungle." "Oh, he did, did he?" "Yes, sir." "You have those beasts sent back to wait Disney." "Where they belong." "Yes." "Why, this is preposterous." "Preposterous." "It's ridiculous." "ridiculous." "SchIenna, this is the end." "Yes, I can see that." "And Dinah Shore or no Dinah Shore, I'm gonna tell him that right now." "Mr." "Cantor, we have" "Go on, go on." "Get out of here and shut that door." "Mr. Cantor's occupied." "Out, out, out." "Oh, excuse me." "Out." "Hey, hey, you." "Hey, hey, who?" "Why you hey?" "I'm talking to you." "Where would Eddie Cantor be?" "If he would be where I Iike him to be, he's already crisp on both sides." "Wait." "You know who you're talking to?" "No, you know who you are talking to?" "No." "I don't care." "You, see." "I was happy not to meet you." "Goodbye." "Just a minute, come back." "Oh, no, no." "Come back here." "Don't you believe Eddie Cantor wants to talk to me?" "He's been sending me notes all day." "I'II show some notes to you." "Notes to me?" "Yeah." "Notes to you too?" "I'm a musician." "I know more about notes than you do." "AII right, all right." "cool off." "This is no time to be burning up all that good beef." "Keep your hands to myself." "And when I talk to you, keep a silly tongue in my head." "well, what did I do?" "Did I send for you?" "Why, no, but" "Did I start this?" "well, no, but" "You mind my business and I mind yours." "Get out, stay out and never come back." "You understand?" "Why, sure." "If that's the way you want it." "ChiseIer." "Let the old man buIIdoze you, eh?" "Yeah, that ain't like me." "Gee, I hope none of my movie fans hear about this." "FARNSWORTH:" "SchIenna." "SchIenna." "What?" "Did you did it so fast?" "That big brute, OIaf." "He's in there and he" "Oh, I tell you the whole thing is just hopeless." "Farnsworth, I got you into this complication." "And it's up to me to make a mess out of it." "Why?" "I mean, who?" "How?" "I tell Dinah Shore she's out of the show." "That is perfect and that will do it." "But you be firm with her, won't you?" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Why, Dr. SchIenna, how nice." "Miss Shore, there is something I must say to you." "Oh, please don't say Miss Shore." "I'm Dinah to you." "Oh, yes." "well, Dinah" "You're gonna scold me for not learning the ending." "But I know it now." "Listen." "[SINGING]" "Is that right, doctor?" "Yes, beautiful." "Is beau" " But, Miss Shore, Dinah" "I just dropped in" "And it was darn sweet of you too." "Imagine visiting me." "A great man like you." "But what I came" " Like me?" "You're not only a great conductor, but I think you're a terribly nice person." "But all I came here for is" "You do?" "Yes." "You know something, doctor?" "What?" "The minute I laid eyes on you..." "No, no, no." "..." "I had the most irresistible desire" "please, I have a wife in malibu." "Oh, your wife won't mind." "I really can't resist it." "I have little grandchildren." "Won't you let me do it now?" "I-- What?" "This." "Gee, Dinah, Dinah." "I just had to get that out of my system." "Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" "well, we just thought that" "Yes?" "Dinah, we thought when you are ready we run through your number." "AII right." "You run along and I'II be right down." "And any time you want to" "please help yourself." "AII right." "Goodbye." "Goodbye." "Joe, I hate to do a thing like this to a nice fellow like you." "In all my Iife, I no see such a face." "He is repulsive, isn't he?" "But do your best." "Don't you worry." "When I finish, you're gonna look repulsive just like him." "Oh, Joe." "The boys are getting impatient." "How's it coming?" "Great." "I'm getting uglier by the minute." "angelo, what's cutting?" "Haven't you finished yet?" "[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]" "Look, I am not a magician." "To cut hair, takes just so long." "angelo." "Shut up." "If you want artistic job, you see AngeIo." "If you want speed, you see Mr. Henry Kaiser." "CHARLIE:" "Hey, Tommy, you know it's 1 :00?" "SAM:" "Yeah." "Let's get going." "Hey, what I got here?" "Wash bowl or Rose bowl?" "Look at this, angelo." "You left the sides too full." "Look at that kisser." "How could he let anyone photograph him from the side?" "You had a pan like that, you wouldn't show more than half of it." "That's fine, angelo." "It's perfect." "That looks pretty good to me." "There, I'm all finished." "Oh, and you made good time too." "Here you are, Joe." "Thank you, angelo." "I think you did a great job." "Thank you." "I'm beginning to hate myself already." "well, here you are." "And this is for you." "What's the matter?" "Five cents of tips?" "So long, angelo." "Come on, Iet's go." "Let's go." "PAT:" "We gotta hurry, now." "TOMMY:" "Come on." "gentlemen, final rehearsal." "And for Dinah Shore, play like you never played before." "play good." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYS]" "[SINGING] The early birdie used to sing" "Go to work, go to work Better go to work" "And a day was a busy thing" "But now without you, you" "That birdie sings another tune" "Stay asleep, stay asleep Better stay asleep" "All morning, night and noon" "The dreamer, the dreamer" "I reckon that's my name" "Since you're gone away" "But how am I gonna see you Unless I dream all day?" "All the long and miserable day" "They call me the dreamer" "They tell me it's a shame" "How lazy I seem" "But how am I gonna hold you Unless I dream, dream, dream?" "So I stroll among the trees" "Like I didn't have a chore to do" "And I let the summer breeze" "Come and kiss me like a real and true" "Kiss from you" "The dreamer, the dreamer" "I reckon that's my name" "Why change it?" "What for?" "I wanna stay a dreamer Till you're home once more" "So I stroll among the trees" "Like I didn't have a chore to do" "And I let the summer breeze" "Come and kiss me like a real and true" "Kiss from you" "The dreamer, the dreamer" "I reckon that's my name" "Why change it?" "What for?" "I wanna stay a dreamer Till you're home once more" "Till you're home and waking me up" "Once more" "Till you're home" "And waking me up" "Once more" "I don't wanna press you, are you still pressing my coat?" "I'm on the trousers now, boss." "well, then shake a leg." "[LAUGHS]" "You get it?" "Trousers?" "Shake a leg?" "Oh, yeah." "That's a hot one, boss." "OIaf." "please, boss, stop." "You're killing me." "I can't help myself." "Every word that comes out of my mouth is a scream." "Yes." "Yeah." "CANTOR:" "Come in." "What's going on?" "You're in the wrong room." "Gene Autry's two doors down." "We come bring heap, big greeting." "How!" "Lookit, I'm on the warpath." "will you please get out?" "How." "The same way you came in." "That's how." "We come, take you in Indian brotherhood." "Make you honorary chief." "Boys, that honorary gag's been done so often, it's corny." "You no want be chief?" "We tell white squaw from LIFE magazine go away." "Wait a minute." "You mean there's a lady here from LIFE magazine?" "Uh." "Where?" "Outside?" "Uh." "Gonna take picture?" "Put them in magazine?" "Uh." "Say, I'II bet I'II look good at that, huh?" "Uh-uh." "That's fine." "I'II do it." "Good." "You put them on war bonnet." "Oh, come here." "FinchIey, OIaf." "Look, I'm a warrior." "I'II bet this'II keep my wig warm." "[MEN LAUGHING]" "Let's see the mirror." "See how I Iook." "I'II bet at that I couId pass as an Indian." "That is, with reservations." "[LAUGHS]" "What's the matter?" "Tired of your jobs?" "Oh, no, boss." "well, Iet's go." "Remember, the men you wanna see are Farnsworth and SchIenna." "They're both burned at Cantor." "So handle them with kid gloves." "handle them." "Don't know what they look like." "Joe, you can't miss." "SchIenna looks like a beer barrel." "Farnsworth, Iike a moose." "A moose?" "Here's his clothes and step on it." "They'II be out in a minute." "Hurry up." "Put them on, Joe." "little chief look good." "Must wear many feathers." "Yeah." "I hope I don't get caught in a badminton game." "What's he doing now?" "Maybe they are going to smoke a piece of pipe." "Yeah, pies of peep." "Pike's Peak." "Pipe of peace." "well, if they do, I hope there's a mickey in the tobacco." "You got it straight?" "Yeah." "SchIenna's a beer barrel and Farnsworth is a moose." "Duck, here they come." "How do you do?" "Step right up here." "It won't take a minute." "Thank you." "Look right into the camera, please." "Wearing this suit reminds me of a gag I once did." "Don't move your head." "Indian comes up to me, says, "It's tough for us Indians."" "I said, "You don't like it why don't you go back where you came from?" Laugh." "Knocked them silly." "How's this?" "Just about perfect." "still." "Okay." "Let's have it." "Hurry up, boys." "Come on." "Look, look, look." "They are kid-snatching him." "My, my, my." "We should maybe call the police." "No?" "No." "No." "Get going." "Good luck." "Don't you think we give him one more tap to make sure?" "Oh, he'II be fine." "See you later, Mr. Cantor." "Okay." "Your glasses, Joe." "Oh, I'm such a dope." "Keep thinking, Joe." "[CANTOR GRO ANS]" "Why did you hit me, Ida?" "Gee, what a celebration." "You don't think they will be too easy on him?" "Easy?" "On Cantor?" "No." "Those Indians?" "Look what they did to general Custer." "And he was a very nice fellow." "Oh, and I didn't know him." "hello." "Oh, pardon me." "I've had enough of you, you wolf." "And now a toast." "Toast?" "I give you the American Indians, and I add my admiration." "And I give the Indians Eddie Cantor, and I add my wife's relatives." "Come, come." "Get to work." "My, when I think of what that owl face could have done to our finaIe" "His finale would have been our ending." "Imagine SchIenna, moments ago, that egotistical screwbaII..." "...was making our lives miserable." "Where is he now?" "Who cares, as long as he isn't here." "hello." "How do you do?" "tell you, we are the luckiest people in the whole world." "Why, Eddie." "What's the matter?" "What's wrong?" "You look fine." "Why not?" "I am fine." "But you passed us like we was intimate strangers." "Yes, didn't you know us?" "Know you?" "well, of course I know you." "well, of course." "You are the beer barrel and you are the moose." "A moose?" "I'm a Rotarian." "Who's a moose?" "You are the moose and I'm the barrel of beer." "Oh, remember?" "Oh, a moose." "Oh, yes, yes." "Listen, I know you fellows have been unhappy with my ideas..." "...so let's forget them, huh?" "What?" "You don't want the avocados coming out of gopher holes?" "Avocados?" "No, no avocados." "And no lady potatoes splashing in the tartar sauce?" "No?" "No?" "No?" "No lady potatoes." "No." "No." "No." "Forget them." "Go back to your original staging." "well, well, well." "AII I want is to have my protégé sing tonight." "Remember?" "Tommy RandoIph?" "RandoIph?" "The boy, what, took you out from the door twice?" "The boy?" "Yes." "He's my dearest friend." "Your dearest friend?" "Why, yes." "will you do it, please?" "SchIenna?" "No." "I tell you." "You promise not to butt in again and it's a deal." "I promise." "Tommy is waiting outside." "I'II go and get him." "I'II go and get him." "He's on the outside." "SchIenna, you're right." "That blow on the head has caused loss of memory." "That man has amnesia." "On him it's becoming." "well, anyway, our troubles are over." "Yes, they are over." "unless he remembers what he forgot." "Oh, well, in that case, look." "If he does?" "We'II keep this handy, huh?" "No, no, no." "Come." "Miss Hattie McDanieI and Mr. WiIIie Best." "On-stage, everybody, for the "Ice cold Katie" number." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "[SINGING] Private Jones is campin' On the doorstep of Miss Katie Brown" "She must be the very, very coldest Creature in this town" "He's been there" "For seven days and nights" "And now his leave is through" "And still she won't" "Still she won't, still she won't say" "I do Brrrr" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you marry the soldier?" "Ice-cold Katie, won't you do it today?" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you marry the soldier?" "Soon he'll march away" "Yeah, ice-cold Katie He's a-dyin' to hold you" "Keep that date, he came a-hurryin' for" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you marry the soldier?" "Soon he's off to war" "Here I am outside Ringin', ringing', ringing' on your bell" "Ringin' so long" "He's gonna be A-W-O-L" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you do what I told you?" "Ice-cold Katie You're the talk of the town" "Ice-cold Katie, please marry the soldier" "Melt, melt, melt on down" "Ice-cold Katie Brown" "Here comes the justice" "Lord, bless the justice" "Here comes the justice now" "I was here at 7" "I was here at 1 0" "I was here at 1 1" "And I positively won't be back again" "I don't blame you" "Is the ring all ready?" "Ask him" "Did the bride get sense?" "No" "Is the groom a-feelin' steady" "After all the matrimonial suspense?" "Is there cake and candy?" "Is the choir in tune?" "We is" "Is the fee handy?" "The private may be leavin' mighty soon" "Kate, Kate, Kate, Katie" "Won't you step outside?" "Everything is ready but the bride" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you marry the soldier?" "Ice-cold Katie, won't you do it today?" "Ice-cold Katie Why don't you marry that soldier?" "Soon he'll march away" "Ice-cold Katie, he's just dyin' to hold you" "Ice-cold Katie How he grumbles and groans" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you marry the soldier?" "[WHISTLE BLOWING]" "Private Jones, don't you know" "You ain't got no Got no, got no time to spare?" "Don't you know we're all sailin' Sailin', sailing' over there?" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you do what I told you?" "Ice-cold Katie, ain't a moment to lose" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you marry the soldier?" "Looks like rice and shoes" "Spread, spread, spread the news" "Here goes the justice Just watch the justice" "Here goes the justice now" "Do you take this woman?" "Of course" "Do you take this man?" "Go ahead" "Well, young man and young woman" "You'd better get a little loving While you can" "That's right" "I now pronounce you man and wife" "That's over" "I never had such trouble in my life" "Private Jones, don't you know You ain't got no time to spare?" "Don't you know they are sailin' Sailin', sailing' over there?" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you marry the soldier" "Ice-cold Katie, with the shivery frown" "Ice-cold Katie Went and married the soldier" "Ice-cold Katie Brown" "She got her man" "Oh, Katie, she got her man" "Oh, Katie, she got her man" "Oh, Katie, she's" "Katie Brown" "help." "help." "Let me out of here." "Quit that yelling, Cantor." "Shut up." "I will not shut up." "Do you fellows realize who I am?" "Yeah." "That's what makes it such a pleasure." "Oh, boys, please." "I've gotta get back to the theater." "Remember, the show must go on." "It'II go on, all right, but without you." "Here, Junior." "Here, boy." "Here, Junior." "Junior." "That's Junior?" "Yeah." "well, what's Senior, a horse?" "And don't hoIIer at him." "He hates noise." "And he loves the taste of blood." "He'II be awfully disappointed." "I'm anemic." "Now, don't go away." "We're going out for a bite." "Watch him, Junior." "Fine thing." "They're going out for a bite and you came in for one." "Here, Junior." "Come back here, Junior." "See what I have in my hand." "Bite the rope, Junior." "It's delicious rope." "It's imported." "Bite it." "Bite it in the back like a nice little doggie." "Come on, bite it, will you?" "[GRO ANING]" "That hurt." "Indians." "Indians." "Indians." "help." "help." "maple syrup." "Now I'm a wheat cake." "Get out of there." "Get away from my toe, you heel." "Junior." "What?" "Junior, get" " Get away from there." "[LAUGHING]" "Stop it." "Stop it." "Junior, is that your family?" "Oh, get me out of here." "Indians." "Indians." "Get out." "Go on." "Go home, you mutts." "Oh, leave me alone, please?" "What have I done to you?" "Get away from there." "Get away." "[TOMMY SINGING]" "Operator." "Opera" "Stop with that thing." "I'm trying to get the Indians." "This is more important." "Are you sure of that middle, now?" "How can I concentrate on the song when my dress suit isn't here yet?" "We're in trouble." "The Indians don't answer." "Maybe they're not there." "That's just it." "Suppose Cantor broke loose, he comes in and finds out what we've done." "Suppose these people learn I'm Joe Simpson." "I can't understand about my suit." "I've been doing business with that pawnbroker for years." "Suit." "If Cantor shows up here, we'II all get new suits." "And I don't look good in stripes." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Your glasses." "Quick, Joe." "TOMMY:" "hello, Mr. Farnsworth." "hello." "Something strange has happened." "Do any of you know a person by the name of Joe Simpson?" "Simpson?" "Joe Simp" " Joe Simpson?" "What an odd name." "Yeah." "Boy, come in here." "This suit was delivered here to a Joe Simpson." "Nobody else seems to know him either." "Lock it up in the basement dressing room." "Joe Simpson." "Of course." "That's Mr. RandoIph's tailor." "Sure." "This is from Joe Simpson, is it?" "We thought you said Joe Simpson." "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" "Farnsworth." "What's the matter?" "It's half past minutes after 8." "The audience is packed with people." "I know." "It's a complete sellout." "A complete sellout." "The standing room is so crowded." "No place to sit down." "marvelous." "Start the overture." "See you later, Eddie." "Good luck, RandoIph." "Thank you, Mr. Farnsworth." "Great reception, Dr, SchIenna." "naturally." "intelligent people." "Boys." "Boys." "[DOGS BARKING]" "Indians." "Indians." "[CAR HORN HONKS]" "[HORNS HONKING]" "Hey, have you got a union card?" "Yeah." "Huh?" "There he is." "hello, hamilton." "What's up?" "told the head nurse I might need a few guards." "violent case, eh?" "ParoccipitaI pressure on the lower brain." "You know how they get." "Who's the patient?" "A secret." "His family wants it kept quiet." "He's a big hollywood star or something." "Dr. Kirby wants him calm before the operation." "Oh, guy's gone haywire, huh?" "I know these schizophrenics." "hallucinations." "Keep imagining they're wild people." "Right, Freddie." "He thought he was a headhunter." "Then he was an australian bushman and just yesterday, he was a wild West cowboy." "Yippee." "Get the police, quick." "Don't let them catch me." "They're after me." "What I've been through." "well, look who's here." "You're safe now." "We'II help you." "Won't we, boys?" "Sure, positively, Eddie." "well, what do you know?" "Our patient is Eddie Cantor." "I always thought he was a little wacky." "There, my poor man." "Have you been running?" "Yes, they've been chasing me and chasing me and chasing me." "well, sit down." "Who's been chasing you, Mr. Cantor?" "The Indians." "Three of them." "They're outside." "See?" "The Indians are chasing him." "Not only the Indians, but dogs." "Fifty of them." "Licking my feet." "Fifty dogs, all licking your feet?" "Yeah, but I fooled them." "You know how?" "No, how?" "I got off the seesaw and I Ieft them there with the maple syrup." "He left the dogs with the maple syrup." "clever, wasn't he?" "Don't you think so?" "Yes." "Yes." "Very clever." "Now, Iet's take off all our clothes and relax." "No, what are you doing to me?" "I didn't come here for this purpose." "I'II see my lawyer about this." "You can't get away with it." "You can't get" "Now, there we are." "Now, don't we feel better?" "well, big chief, Iet's all go into the teepee and have a nice, quiet powwow." "Now, wait a minute." "Teepee?" "Powwow?" "Are you guys crazy?" "Now, be a good little Indian." "Indian?" "I'm no Indian." "I'm Eddie Cantor." "You know Cantor with the five daughters?" "Sure, we know you." "Great White Father." "No, wait." "Where are you taking me?" "You can't do that to me." "Where are you going?" "What are you doing to me?" "Hey, just for-- MAN:" "Get back there." "CANTOR:" "I don't wanna get back." "Now, ladies and gentlemen, Dinah Shore." "I wish you were coming home now instead of just going away." "I'II miss you so much." "But until we win the war, I guess it's the uniform first and love second." "Yes, darling." "AII I can say is what so many other girls are saying today." "I'II be waiting." "And I'II be dreaming of the light in your eyes." "And happy in the thought that when you do come back we'II all be living in a better world." "Not this mixed-up world of 1 861 ." "[SINGING] How sweet you are" "How sweet you are" "How dear your tenderly smiling face" "Through days all bitter and gray and grim" "Through nights When even the stars are dim" "How sweet to know" "My heart can glow" "From just the warmth Of our first embrace" "The world's a lovelier world by far" "When I remember" "How sweet you are" "How sweet you are" "How sweet you are" "How dear your tenderly smiling face" "The world's a lovelier world" "By far" "When I remember how sweet" "You are" "That's enough, boys." "AII right, Freddie." "Here you are, Marty." "Bring him out and hang him up to dry." "CANTOR:" "AII right, guys." "FREDDIE:" "AII right, isn't that refreshing?" "Come on, upsy-daisy." "Put him down here, boys." "Doesn't that cold water turn him the prettiest shade of blue?" "How's he ticking?" "According to his pulse, he's been dead for three weeks." "What's my name?" "Who launched me?" "Be a good man." "We're quieting your nerves so Dr. Kirby can operate on you." "Oh, that's only natural." "No surgeon wants to operate on a" "Operate?" "Operate on what?" "On your brain, Eddie." "impossible." "If I had brains, what would I be doing here?" "Let me out of here." "Let me get out." "Take" " Take it easy." "Take it easy." "Okay, we gotta calm him down." "Give him the vacuum massage." "That'II fix him." "That does it every time." "How much is he getting?" "What's your dial say?" "Fifty." "Better make it 75." "Seventy-five." "Okay." "[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]" "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "Good evening, mates." "Good evening, good evening and good night to all and sundry." "One over there, my man." "I would Iike to buy a drink for all the gentlemen in the house." "Hear, hear." "Oh." "[MEN LAUGHING]" "[SINGING] I can see the question in your eyes" "I can see the twitching of your ears" "Now, it's not to be repeated" "But, gentlemen, be seated" "And I'll tell you where I've been for all these years" "If he's very nicely treated And we have his toddy heated" "He'll tell us where he's been For all these years" "I was out on the blue Pacific With a cruiser of the fleet" "Hopping over the side For me Saturday dip" "Go on, go on" "When I noticed a Jap torpedo Whizzin' by beneath my feet" "Comin' lickety-split And headed for our ship" "Fancy that" "So I stopped her with me left" "And I turned her with me right" "And I aimed her very careful And I shoved with all me might" "And I sank the sub what sent her And I roared with righteous wrath" "That's what you jolly well get That's what you jolly well get" "Disturbin' me Saturday evenin' bath" "Hooray, he's won the war" "He's won the war" "He's won the war" "But I'm modest to the core" "Hooray, he's won the war" "And though he's rather shy" "I'm terribly, terribly shy" "He will admit he's won the war" "Cheerio." "I was captured around Benghazi By a Nazi regiment" "After polishing off Half a thousand or more" "He's balmy" "And it took them two pairs of tanks" "To drag me into the general's tent" "Where they started to search The uniform I wore" "My word" "When they took away my gun" "I was pleasant as could be" "But then they took a letter What my sweetheart wrote to me" "So I bashed their blooming brains in" "And I lived to tell the tale" "Well, that's what they jolly well get" "That's what they jolly well get" "For reading' a gentleman's private mail" "Hooray, he's won the war" "He's won the war" "And I won the one before" "Hooray, he's won the war" "I hate to tell the tale" "But give him a barrel of ale" "And he'll admit he's won the war" "I was havin' me leave in London Back in 1 94 1" "Havin' breakfast in bed" "At a fancy address" "Oh, yes?" "When a Jerry come by And dropped a bomb" "What must've weighed a ton" "It was difficult to collect myself, I guess" "I should think" "So to Croydon Field I ran" "And I hopped a plane from there" "Now, I couldn't tell who'd done it There were thousands in the air" "So I shot down all the blighters" "And I told them all, you see" "That's what you jolly well get" "That's what you jolly well get" "For splashing' a gentleman's cup of tea" "Hooray, he's saved the day" "He's saved the day" "In my own quiet way" "Hooray, he's saved the day" "I always zips me lips" "But treat him with fish and chips" "And he'll confess he's saved the day" "Hooray" "Hooray" "He's won the war" "He's won the war" "He's won the war" "He's won the war" "This mighty conqueror" "Hooray" "Hooray" "He's won the war" "So to this most heroic gent We ought to erect a monument" "And put it in Trafalgar Square" "Where he can enjoy the open air" "Hooray" "What kind of a place is this?" "A place where people come for nervous ailments." "Don't know of a better place to get one." "How do you feel now, Mr. Cantor?" "Oh, fine." "We're having a million laughs." "Laughs." "Gotta get to the theater." "Wait." "MARTY:" "Come back here." "FREDDIE:" "Come back here." "Go on back there." "But, fellows, you don't understand." "I've got an opening tonight." "You'II have an opening, as soon as Dr. Kirby gets here." "Dr. Kirby, no." "Put him on the table." "No." "You have a kind face, help." "will you please help me?" "FREDDIE:" "Everything's gonna be lovely." "Now, listen." "I'm gonna count up to 1 0 and if you don't let me go" "You'II what?" "CANTOR:" "I'II count up to 20." "Get the other room ready." "Oh, nurse, don't you think this is a little bit one-sided?" "Now, you just rest easy." "This machine will have you calm in no time." "calm." "calm." "Say, this isn't bad." "It's just like waltzing with an octopus." "I'II tell Dr. Kirby we're ready for the operation." "Ready?" "Who's ready?" "I'm not ready." "No, nurse." "Nurse, you can't do this to me." "Where is that nur--?" "What is she doing?" "No." "Nurse." "Doctor." "help." "police." "Oh, you can't" " No." "No, wait." "Oh, I wish I was back with the dogs." "Come back." "Marty." "Fred." "Hurry up." "FREDDIE:" "Don't worry, we'II take care of this." "Get up, Eddie." "What's the matter with you?" "You're the nurse." "You tell me." "I know, he's got spontaneous reaction of the sacroiliac." "Too much vibration." "See what happens when you get greedy?" "Of course." "Don't worry about me, fellas." "I'II be all right." "I'II be all right." "AII I'II have to do is to go out and get a drop of fresh air." "I'II be right back." "Get him, boys." "MARTY:" "Come here." "You see?" "Come back." "I'm back already." "We'II give him the pacifier." "Yeah, give him the chair." "What?" "No trial?" "Oh, no." "No, Iet's" " Put me back on the table." "Wasn't that a marvelous number, Harry?" "What comes next?" "Why, I think it's" "No, it's Bette Davis." "Bette Davis?" "My favorite star." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "[SINGING] You marched away and left this town" "As empty as can be" "And I am like the driftwood" "In a deadly calm at sea" "I can't sit under the apple tree With anyone else but me" "For there is no secret lover" "That the draft board didn't discover" "They're either too young or too old" "They're either too gray Or too grassy green" "The pickings are poor And the crop is lean" "What's good is in the Army" "What's left will never harm me" "They're either too old or too young" "So, darling, you'll never get stung" "Tomorrow I'll go hiking With that Eagle Scout unless" "I get a call from Grandpa" "For a snappy game of chess" "They're either too warm or too cold" "They're either too fast or too fast asleep" "So, darling, believe me I'm yours to keep" "There isn't any gravy" "The gravy's in the Navy" "They're either too fresh or too stale" "There is no available male" "I will confess to one romance" "I'm sure you will allow" "He tries to serenade me" "But his voice is changing now" "They're either too bald or too bold" "I'm down to the wheelchair and bassinet" "My heart just refuses to get upset" "I simply can't compel it to" "With no Marines to tell it to" "I'm either their first breath of spring" "Or else I'm their last little fling" "I either get a fossil" "Or an adolescent pup" "I either have to hold him off" "Or have to hold him up" "The battle is on but the fortress will hold" "They're either too young or too old" "I'll never, never fail you" "When you are in Australia" "Or out in the Aleutians" "Or off among the Russians" "And flying over Egypt Your heart will never be gypped" "And when you get to India" "I'll still be what I've been to you" "I've looked the field over And lo and behold" "[MOUTHS] Thanks" "Oh, that looks fine." "Now, turn around a little." "You know, Pat, I'm glad I gave up my radio career for the theater." "Sure." "Your public has a right to see you too." "Yeah, in 20 minutes, I'II be out on that stage." "I'II knock them dead with my song, then alexis Smith goes into her dance" "alexis Smith." "Wasn't she swell in Gentleman Jim?" "There she sat at the ringside watching Corbett fight." "He throws a left jab, then follows with a sharp right cross." "DoIIies away." "And then comes in for another looping left." "Oh, Joe." "Oh, Joe." "I'm all right." "Sorry, Joe." "Fine." "I come here for encouragement." "What do I get?" "A sock in the jaw." "[PHONE RINGS]" "My ears are ringing." "It's the telephone." "telephone." "hello?" "Yeah, he's here." "Joe, it's for you." "They said Joe?" "I better put on my glasses." "hello?" "Yes, charlie." "The Indian, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Yes, charlie, I see." "Okay." "Thanks for calling." "What'd he say?" "Nothing." "Cantor escaped." "And they just lost him." "Cantor escaped?" "Cantor escaped?" "Cantor escaped?" "How?" "When?" "You see?" "I told you what would happen." "Let's get out." "Wait a minute." "If you go, you go alone." "We're staying, aren't we?" "What's the sense of getting panicky?" "Yeah, to get panicky, you have to have sense." "Joe." "Joe." "Ladies and gentlemen, leaving the field of lighter entertainment for just a few moments, we now present a more serious interlude." "It is with genuine pride we bring you three of the screen's foremost dramatic stars." "Miss olivia de havilland, Miss Ida Lupino and Mr. George Tobias." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "[SINGING] Tye ah ree tau -[SINGING] Tye ah ree tau" "Tye ah ree tau" "Tye ah ree tau" "Tye ah ree tau" "Tye ah ree tau" "Tye frulli eye tye tye" "Tye frulli eye tye tye" "[SINGING] Ree tau" "Tye frulli eye tye tye" "Tye frulli eye tye tye" "Ree tau" "Tye frulli eye tye tye" "Tye frulli eye tye tye" "The dreamer" "Pow" "The dreamer" "Pow" "I reckon that's my name" "Tha-tha-tha, oh, tha-tha That's my name" "Since you've gone away, away" "Guess I'm just a lazy" "Too-loo-de riffy" "Too-loo-de rizza" "Too-loo-de rizzy, free-don-do" "Free-don-do" "When my dreamboat comes home" "He dreams of Jeannie" "With the light-brown hair" "Ain't it a shame?" "Oh, ain't it a shame?" "Oh, ain't it a shame?" "Oh, ain't it a shame?" "Dreamin' all day, dreaming' all night" "Tye ah-da ree take" "Tye ah-da ree take" "See-lee ow-tow-tow" "How am I gonna hold you" "Unless I'm dreamin' those dreams?" "So I strolled among the" "Tree-tree, treedily-eye-tree-too-di" "Tree-tree, treedily-eye-tree-too-di" "I" "Didn't have" "Didn't have Didn't have a chore to do" "So I let the summer breeze a-kiss me" "Like a real and true kiss from you" "The dreamer, the dreamer" "Ree-tye-oh So-aw-de-free-dit" "Why change it?" "That's my name" "Baby" "Wanna stay a dreamer till you're home" "And wakin' me up, up, up, a once more" "I'm a dreamer" "Wake up" "I'm a dreamer" "Wake up" "I'm a dreamer" "De freedly-oh-so-so, de freedly-oh-so-so" "De freedly-oh-so-so, de freedly-oh-so-so" "I'm a dreamer, aren't we all?" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "Wah-wah" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "Wah-wah" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "Wah-wah" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "Wah-wah-wah-wah-waddy-wah" "AII right, boys." "Lift him over and flatten him out." "Don't worry." "We're gonna give you gas." "Give me four gallons and check my oil." "MARTY:" "Don't be impatient." "Dr. Kirby'II be here in a few minutes." "Dr." "Kirby." "Listen." "Down." "You don't understand." "Down." "This is all a mistake." "Down." "And don't kick." "I always kick on the fourth down." "No!" "well, good evening, everybody." "Here we go again." "Good evening, Dr. Kirby." "Good evening." "well, I've seen all the x-rays." "Everything ready?" "I wish I was back with Junior maple syrup and all." "delirious, I see?" "Ah, my favorite scalpel." "Who's the patient?" "Eddie Cantor." "Eddie Cantor?" "[LAUGHS]" "Start the anesthetic." "Doctor, there's been a mistake." "You see, I was kidnapped." "I broke loose, climbed in here for safety." "I am not wacky." "hold the anesthetic." "This sounds reasonable." "How did you escape form the kidnappers?" "Easy." "I became a wooden Indian." "Start the anesthetic." "If you have to operate, go ahead." "But there's one thing I'd Iike to say." "HAMILTON:" "What's that?" "help!" "Just a minute." "What's--?" "What's the trouble?" "I have a bronchial irritation." "It" "Do you see spots before your eyes?" "Do you have trouble breathing?" "In, not out." "Just count up to 1 0, please." "One, two, three, four" "Enough." "I tell you what you do." "Before you go to bed, drop some butter in milk..." "...and you'II feel all right." "Thanks." "How much do I owe?" "That'II be $5." "Five--?" "Wait, what is this?" "Now, breathe deeply and count to 1 0." "CANTOR:" "One two." "I wouldn't give you a cent more." "Dr. Kirby, what's going on here?" "I'm doing a prefrontal section on Eddie Cantor." "But this is the patient, doctor." "KIRBY:" "Oh, we made a mistake." "HAMILTON:" "Mr. Cantor." "Oh, Mr. Cantor." "Come to." "please." "Have a cigar, fellas." "My wife just had another boy." "Oh, Mr. Cantor." "Wake up." "Wake up." "We're not going to operate." "Oh, go on, doc." "Cut yourself a slice of ham." "Wake up." "Wake up." "He said something about the theater." "The theater?" "That's it." "Get me the police." "Where's the phone?" "In the hall." "I've gotta get to that theater." "Good luck, buddy." "How do you do?" "Tommy, Pat." "I shouldn't have stayed here." "I'm on in a minute." "Cantor isn't here, is he?" "No, but Farnsworth is my pal now." "He said, "Eddie, SchIenna and I have misjudged you." "You've been very nice." "Sing the star's number."" "Look, what am I gonna do?" "well, if he wants you to sing, sing." ""Sing it," she says." "What happens if Cantor comes in and finds me singing his song?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "And now, by way of a surprise, we present Eddie Cantor's protégé Tommy RandoIph, who serenades one of our lovely Latin neighbors." "And then as a thrilling climax a dance by that brilliant and exciting star, alexis Smith." "[SINGING] The lady came from South America And she was lovely to see" "When she arrived in North America They introduced her to me" "And so I showed her the town" "And I was such a gallant guide" "And when the moon had gone down" "I sighed" "Good night, good neighbor" "This evening with you Has charmed me so" "Tomorrow those Latin eyes aglow" "Will haunt me all day" "Good night, good neighbor" "We're back at your door And now we kiss" "Though down in Brazil You'd frown at this" "You'll soon learn our way" "I know you're dreaming of a homeland" "So very dear" "Land of many charms" "But, oh, you'll find another homeland" "Right over here" "Right over here in my arms" "Good night, good neighbor" "Though I have no soft guitar to play" "Come close to my heart and hear it say" "Good neighbor, good night" "[DRUMS POUNDING]" "TOMMY:" "Good night, good neighbor" "Though I have no soft guitar to play" "Come close to my heart and hear it say" "Good neighbor, good night" "Good night, good neighbor" "Good neighbor, good night" "Good night" "Listen to that applause." "Terrific." "He's the hit of the show." "It's for you from out front." "For me?" "TOMMY:" "They liked it." "You were swell." "I knew you'd make good." "They're still applauding." "Listen to this." "Yeah." ""If you will bring young RandoIph to the studio Monday morning I'II have a contract waiting for him." "J.L. Warner."" "You're gonna be a movie star." "You did it, Tommy." "You did it." "You mean we did it." "Our troubles are over." "Now I can sell the bus." "Know what I'm gonna sing in my first picture? "Moondust."" "Oh, Tommy." "I think I better keep the bus." "CANTOR:" "Out of my way." "What's the matter?" "CANTOR:" "I'm Eddie Cantor, producing the show." "The chairman." "Get out of my way." "MAN:" "Hey, wait a minute." "Let me alone." "He's in here and we're gonna find him." "Come along with me, officer." "Aha." "There he is." "Officer, arrest that man." "The Indians told me all about you, RandoIph." "Quiet." "What's the meaning of this?" "This guy claims he's Eddie Cantor." "I am." "Eddie Cantor has been with me all day." "He's standing in the wings ready to go on." "Let's get this straight." "Who's who?" "I'm who." "That's who." "Somebody better do something." "What are we gonna do?" "Pat, think of something." "If you ever got an idea, get one now." "I've got it." "Joe, you're Eddie Cantor." "No matter what happens, bluff your way out." "Right." "Go on, get out there." "This is your big scene." "JOE:" "Yeah, but" "Impostor?" "But I'm Eddie Cantor." "That man is a phony." "He doesn't even look like me." "Look at that face." "repulsive." "What do you got to say?" "Me, well..." "...to tell you the truth, officer" "We've never seen this man before." "positively not." "Have we, Mr. Cantor?" "Why, you big" "Hey." "Say, wait a minute, officer." "Say, there's a girl who can te" "Dinah?" "Dinah?" "Eddie, do you realize a show is going on?" "That's why I'm here." "I'm not talking to you." "You call me?" "Dinah, don't you know who I am?" "I'm Cantor." "What's the matter?" "Who'd ever believe two people could look like that." "FARNSWORTH:" "You see, officer." "Shut up." "Dinah, tell them I'm Cantor." "I'II double your salary." "I don't know who you are but if you're doubling my salary, you're not Cantor." "FARNSWORTH:" "That settles it." "Is everybody screwy around here?" "I don't know." "But you called the police station from a sanitarium." "Yeah, I know, officer, but-- hold it." "olaf." "olaf." "I'II show you who's crazy around here." "olaf." "You're in on this." "I know that." "OFFICER:" "please." "please." "What can I do for you?" "OIaf, he's not your boss." "I am." "Officer, Iet me tell you." "I know-- FARNSWORTH:" "Take him out." "Just a second." "How can you be sure which one of these is Cantor?" "That's easy." "Just tell a joke." "Joke?" "You want me to joke at a time like this?" "Then you tell a joke." "Me?" "Go on, Mr. Cantor." "tell one of your real funny ones." "Yeah." "Oh, here's one." "You know why the bartender couldn't serve me a cocktail?" "No, why?" "Because the Manhattan any more." "That's a riot, boss." "Great." "Great." "That's Mr. Cantor, officer." "Nobody else in the world could tell a stinker like that." "[LAUGHS]" "OIaf, you're through." "So are you." "Come on, napoleon." "You, I can kill." "OFFICER:" "Hey, come here." "CANTOR:" "That man has no right to do that." "You would hit a man with glasses, wouldn't you?" "PAT:" "You hurt?" "CANTOR:" "I'II be in the show if it's the Iast thing I do." "You watch." "[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]" "Eddie, I can't tell you how sorry I am that" "That music." "That's you." "Go on, you're on." "Yeah, wait a minute." "What'II I do?" "What'II you do?" "Go on out there." "Give them the best imitation of Cantor." "That's right." "Okay, here goes." "[SINGING] We're staying home tonight My baby and me" "Having a patriotic time" "No ballroom floor the jitterbugs All pile on" "Those jitterbugs are murder On your nylon" "No brush and comb tonight No people to see" "Being alone is so sublime" "We bought a big bologna And though it's hard to take" "We'll turn out all the lights And make-believe it's a steak" "We're staying home tonight Baby and me" "Having a patriotic time" "How sweet you are" "How sweet you are" "How dear your tenderly smiling face" "We're way up North" "And still together" "No trips back and forth" "We like the weather" "And if you happen to be wondering still" "Whatever became of vaudeville It's way up North" "The dreamer, the dreamer" "I reckon that's my name Why change it?" "What for?" "I wanna stay a dreamer" "Till you're home once more" "Till you're home" "And wakin' me up once more" "The dreamer, the dreamer" "Ree-tye-oh So-aw-de-free-dit" "I'm a dreamer, aren't we all?" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "Wah-wah" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "Wah-wah Wah-wah" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-zo" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-ugh!" "A-doodily-eh-sue, zay-ugh!" "Oh, yes, I know Every gal in the city, I know" "Every gal in the city?" "I know every gal in the city But, oh, they ain't this pretty" "I'm riding for a fall" "Dudin' up, dudin' up like I wasn't wise" "To the gal with the big blue eyes" "Love isn't born" "That's a bit of old-fashioned corn" "Let's call a spade a spade" "When you find more than lemon In your lemonade" "You'll know that Love isn't born, it's made" "[MAN SINGING]" "Oh, that voice is so divine I'm sorry it isn't mine" "Good night, good neighbor" "Though I have no soft guitar to play" "Come close to my heart and hear it say" "Good neighbor, good night" "Good night, good neighbor" "Good neighbor, good night" "You marched away and knew so well" "Our love would stay alive" "I'm stuck with either sweet 1 6 Or kids of 65" "You must have known it The day you enrolled" "They're either too young or too old" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you marry the soldier?" "Ice-cold Katie You're the talk of the town" "Ice-cold Katie Won't you marry the soldier?" "Melt, melt, melt on down" "Ice-cold Katie Brown" "Ice-cold Katie Brown" "CHORUS:" "How's your love life?" "Well, thank your lucky stars" "Yes, thank your lucky stars It's doin' fine" "Keep your love life As sweet as candy bars" "And thank your lucky stars Like I thank mine" "So thank your lucky stars right now" "Thank your lucky stars" "Right now" "[ENGLISH SDH]"