"At last, Doctor." "Am I late for something?" "I was beginning to fear you had lost yourself." "Sit down." "Well, even I would find it hard to lose myself in a corridor." "Especially when propelled by the mental energy of so many distinguished Time Lords." "Oh, I don't know." "You seem to have a great talent for straying from the straight and narrow." "Would it be too much to ask what all this is about?" "The accused will remain silent until invited to speak." "The accused?" "Do you mean me?" "I call upon the Valeyard to open the case." "By order of the High Council, this is an impartial inquiry into the behaviour of the accused person known as the Doctor." "Who is charged that he, on diverse occasions, has been guilty of conduct unbecoming a Time Lord." "Not guilty!" "He is also charged with, on diverse occasions, transgressing the First Law." "It is my unpleasant task, Madam Inquisitor, to prove to the inquiry that the Doctor is an incorrigible meddler in the affairs of other peoples and planets." "Yes." "I see, Valeyard, that it is on record that the Doctor has faced trial already for offences of this nature." "That is so, my lady." "And I shall contend that the High Council showed too great a leniency on that occasion." "Very well." "Doctor, you've heard the charges." "Do you wish to say anything before the inquiry proceeds?" "Only that this whole thing is a farce." "I am Lord President of Gallifrey." "You can't put me on trial." "Doctor, since you wilfully neglected the responsibility of your great office, you were deposed." "Oh." "Is that legal?" "Perfectly." "But we won't hold it against you." "Quite the contrary, in fact." "And to see that your interests are fully protected," "I propose to appoint a court defender to represent you." "Oh..." "Thank you, but no, thank you." "I have been through several such inquiries before." "I think it would be easier if I speak for myself." "The court notes the Doctor refuses the services of a court defender." "Proceed, Valeyard." "Inquisitor, I am not proposing to waste the time of the court by dwelling in detail on the activities of the accused." "Good." "Instead, I intend to adumbrate two typical instances from separate epistopic interfaces of the spectrum." "These examples of the criminal behaviour of the accused are fully recorded in the Matrix, the repository of all knowledge." "I should like to begin with the Doctor's involvement in the affairs of Ravalox, a planet within the Stellian galaxy." "I don't think I like Ravalox very much." "It reminds me of a wet November back on Earth." "Now that's part of the reason why we're here." "Huh?" "Well, Ravalox has the same mass, angle of tilt," "and period of rotation as Earth." "So?" "Well, I thought that was quite interesting." "It's unusual to find two planets so similar." "In fact, it's quite a phenomenon." "Oh, pity it couldn't be a dry one." "Ravalox also has the distinction of having been destroyed by a solar fireball." "It doesn't look very destroyed." "According to the records on Gallifrey, it was devastated by a solar fireball some five centuries ago." "I think somebody exaggerated, don't you?" "Hmm." "Hmm." "Hmm." "The exhilarating smell of a freshly laundered forest." "Can't beat it." "And the twittering of tiny birds and the rustle of small mammals as they forage for food in the undergrowth." "Exactly." "Then you've better hearing than me." "There aren't any birds." "Listen." "I wondered when you'd notice." "None of this makes any sense." "Any soil left after the visitation of a fireball would be sterile." "Well done!" "Don't patronise me, Doctor." "You knew from the start this amount of growth wasn't possible." "I also knew, that as a student of botany, you'd soon realise the truth without any prompting from me." "Maybe." "Hmm." "Is there any intelligent life here?" "What, apart from me you mean?" "I don't know." "Should we find out?" "Well, they're not from round here, Mr Glitz." "I know that, Dibber." "Aha!" "Look at this." "We are certainly not on this planet alone." "Mmm-hmm." "Let's reconnoiter, shall we?" "You know, Dibber, I'm the product of a broken home." "You have mentioned it on occasion, Mr Glitz." "Which sort of unbalanced me." "Made me selfish to the point where I cannot stand competition." "Know the feeling only too well, Mr Glitz." "Whereas yours is a simple case of sociopathy, Dibber, my malaise is much more complex." ""A deep-rooted maladjustment," my psychiatrist said." ""Brought on by an infantile inability to come to terms with the more" ""pertinent, concrete aspects of life."" "That sounds more like an insult than a diagnosis, Mr Glitz." "You're right there, my lad." "Mind you, I had just attempted to kill him." "Oh, I do hate prison psychiatrists, don't you?" "I mean, they do nothing for you." "I must have seen dozens of them." "And I still hate competition." "Especially when it poaches my territory." "I'm going to enjoy this." "Too late!" "Oh, I do hate it when people get lucky." "It really offends my sensibilities." "Shouldn't we go after them?" "How is it they know where to look?" "Tell me that, Dibber." "I don't know." "Maybe they've all copied the same map we did." "Do you want me to go after them?" "Why?" "Do you want to help them?" "No, it's just that if they're after the same thing as us..." "Don't worry." "They'll soon be dead." "It's just that I wanted the personal pleasure of killing them myself." "Oh, here, Doctor, look." "Hmm?" "The remains of a building." "We're not going inside." "Of course not, we can't." "We haven't found the entrance yet." "This is exactly the sort of place where some early life forms might have survived." "Come along." "Well, I'm just not crazy about meeting any early life forms." "Hmm." "Yeah." "Well, if we've got competition, going to the village could prove a valuable waste of time." "That complex down there is still functional, which means the L3 robot is operational." "I understand." "To render the robot non-operational, we have to destroy the light converter which supplies its energy system." "I know all that." "Then why are you arguing with me?" "It's not my fault if a bunch of backward savages have turned a Magnum Mark VII light converter into a totem pole." "It's just that I think we should kill those two first." "And meet the robot head on at full power?" "I don't think you have my full interests at heart, Dibber." "If the robot doesn't kill them before we destroy his energy supply, they could be up and away with the goods before we've even got back from the village." "I know that, Dibber." "Now you understand why I hate competition." "It spoils everything." "I still think we should kill them." "We will, Dibber." "We will." "When the time is right." "Doctor, I know it sounds crazy, but I have the weirdest feeling that I've been here before." "Yes, I often get that feeling." "Of course, I usually have." "In your case, it's not possible." "Possible or not, I want to get away from here." "You're absolutely right." "We must find out what's going on here." "Aha!" "That's it." "Come along." "Peri?" "I've scratched myself." "Mmm?" "Oh, you're young." "You'll soon heal." "Thanks for the sympathy." "You know, I'm glad I decided to come here." "I might stay here for a year or so and write a thesis." "Ancient Life on Ravalox by Doctor..." "Doctor, look!" "There's something here I think you should see." "Look at them." "Primitive screeves." "Are they from the village?" "Must be." "Well, then let's make it a few less we'll have to deal with." "No!" "All we need is a gesture of strength." "Show them they haven't got a chance." "Amazing the effect a loud bang can have on the primitive mind." "Come here, you ignorant, maggot-ridden peasant." "Somehow I always feel foolish saying this." "Take me to your leader." "Well, I suppose there is a billion-to-one chance there was a place called Marble Arch on Ravalox." "And they wrote in English?" "Well, that's another billion-to-one chance." "It does begin to seem a little unlikely, doesn't it?" "Oh, Doctor, we're on Earth, aren't we?" "I said it felt like Earth." "It's in the wrong part of space for it to be your planet." "Besides, according to all the records, this is Ravalox." "Well then, how do you explain this?" "Well..." "I can't, not yet." "Unless, of course, perhaps they collected railway stations." "That's ridiculous." "But not impossible, though." "Not as impossible as the other explanation." "What's that?" "Well, that somehow or other your planet and its entire constellation managed to shift itself a couple of light years across space, after which, for some reason it became known as Ravalox." "Well, what time are we in?" "Oh, a long time after your period." "Uh, two million years or more." "So what happened to London?" "Wiped out." "I mean, if this was London." "Doctor, I know it is." "I can feel it." "Now, don't get emotional." "Don't get emotional?" "This cinder we're standing on is all that's left of my world." "Everything I knew." "Why do I have to sit here watching Peri getting upset while two unsavoury adventurers bully a bunch of natives?" "The reason will be made clear shortly, Doctor." "As a matter of interest, where is Peri?" "Where you left her." "Where's that?" "You don't remember?" "Obviously a side effect of being taken out of time." "The amnesia should soon pass." "Shall we continue?" "Well, can't we just have the edited highlights?" "I know how you feel." "Do you?" "Of course I do." "You've been travelling with me long enough to know that none of this really matters." "Not to you." "Your world is safe." "This is still my world, whatever the period." "And I care about it." "And all you do is talk about it as though we were in a planetarium." "I'm sorry." "But look at it this way, planets come and go." "Stars perish." "Matter disperses, coalesces, reforms into other patterns, other worlds." "Nothing can be eternal." "I know what you mean, but I still wanna get away from here." "Oh, I can't." "There's a mystery here." "Questions to which I must have an answer." "Look, Peri." "Come here." "Oh, hermetically sealed." "Leading down to a lower level." "Now, some of the original inhabitants might have survived down there." "You coming?" "No." "I've seen enough." "I'll wait for you at the entrance." "Where they used to sell candy bars and newspapers." "All right, shan't be long." "Don't go wandering off." "Be careful." "Oh!" "I said be careful." "Of what?" "The spooks and ghosts you're always telling me don't exist?" "Hey!" "You could have left me the umbrella!" "Oh, please yourself." "I don't mind getting wet." "The light converter." "Let me blast it, Mr Glitz, then we get away from here." "Oh, you'd look good with a back full of spears, Dibber." "Use your head." "Anyway, we've got company." "Right royal company by the looks of things." "You'll never charm her." "I have an uncanny knack with ageing females, Dibber." "One look into my eyes and they start to melt." "Water thief!" "Water thief!" "Protect your water!" "Perhaps you could direct me to the stationmaster's house?" "Now please, gentlemen!" "Yes, Immortal?" "Marb Station shows one work unit over strength." "Remove it!" "Immediately, Immortal." "Call the Watch, Marb is a work unit over." "How?" "I don't know, but the Immortal is never wrong, Grell." "I'll summon the Watch." "So, you are outlanders." "From where?" "A far off star, Majesty." "You have a spaceship?" "You know of such things?" "It is recorded in our folk memory." "Before the fire, our ancestors travelled among the stars." "Is that a fact?" "It is also recorded that such travel angered the gods, who punished us by sending the great fire which destroyed our planet." "No, dear lady." "It was much more secular than that." "That attracted the fireball." "That is our Great Totem to the Earth God Haldron." "No, madam, that is a malfunctioning navigational beacon." "It was that that attracted the fireball 500 years ago." "And I'm here to tell you that it is still malfunctioning today." "How do you know this?" "It is my job to know." "And if you don't have it dismantled, the fireball will return." "What is your name?" "Sabalom Glitz." "I am an old woman, Sabalom Glitz." "You are not the first to visit my village from another world." "Is that a fact?" "On each and every occasion, they have all wanted to dismantle the Great Totem." "In that case, you understand the urgency..." "And on each and every occasion, they have all had a different reason." "Let me assure you my credentials are bona fide and completely in order." "Ah, yes." "The guns." "They all had similar credentials." "That totem is a navigational hazard." "It must be dismantled." "You must think me a fool!" "You have come here for no other reason but to steal the symbol of our great god." "And what would I want with some earth-grubbing deity?" "I don't know." "But before you die," "I shall certainly find out." "Where are you from, Old One?" "Old One?" "What station did you disgrace with your miserable presence, water thief?" "Look, I may look old to you, whiskerless youth, but I'll have you know I'm in the prime of my life." "I'm only 900 years old." "Now, untie me at once!" "You'll be untied as soon as we're ready for the stoning." "Stoning?" "Is this the way you welcome visitors?" "Water is life." "Those who steal life must in their turn die." "The Immortal commands it." "Oh, the Immortal?" "Who might that be?" "Come now, Old One." "Feigning ignorance of the Immortal will not save you from death." "This is what I've been waiting for." "Now, Immortal, I am ready for you." "Just who are you?" "I am Balazar, the reader of the books." "Oh!" "And what books are those?" "Ancient books, from the world before the fire." "They contain much wisdom for those who can interpret their meaning." "Here in Marb, we have three." "Three!" "Splendid!" "What are they called?" "The Books of Knowledge." "No, but each book must have a name, Balazar." "It's usually written on the front." "One of our books is called Moby Dick by Herman Melville." "It tells of a great, white water god and contains many mystical passages." "Yes, I've read it." "What are the other books?" "How can you have read it, Old One?" "The sacred book belong to Marb." "Will you stop calling me Old One?" "I am known as the Doctor." "What else do you read?" "The Water Babies by Charles Kingsley, which tells of life long before the fire." "Sounds a rum sort of library to me." "What's your third book?" "Most mysterious of all the sacred texts," "UKHabitats of the Canadian Goose by HM Stationery Office." "Mmm." "What do you call this place?" "Marb Station." "No, I mean your whole world, everything." "We call it UK Habitat." "They've got that woman we saw earlier." "I can't understand it, Dibber." "They're savages." "Well, don't let it get you down." "What went wrong?" "That old hag took our guns away from us just like that." "How can we be their prisoners?" "I told you it was risky coming here." "Yes, well, now you know what I mean about competition." "It gets you nowhere." "I told you we should have blasted them, Mr Glitz." "Yes, Dibber, you've made your point." "I think it best that you stand over here." "Oh, why?" "Well, in case some stray stone breaks the water jugs." "Oh, yes." "People get very excited at these stonings." "I'm not excited." "Ready?" "Yes." "Get set." "Go!" "Oh!" "Why did you stop it at the best bit?" "I was rather enjoying that." "I'm sure you were." "Clever, eh?" "That trick with the umbrella." "Most ingenious, my dear Doctor." "Oh, I always like to do the unexpected." "Takes people by surprise." "Hear how the Doctor takes pride in his interference." "Hear how he boasts." "This is not the reaction of a responsible Time Lord." "We are all aware of that, Valeyard." "What is the point you are trying to make?" "These proceedings started as a mere inquiry into the Doctor's activities." "I'm suggesting now that it becomes a trial." "And if he is found guilty," "I strongly suggest the termination of his life."