"The Creative Union of Comedy and Musical Films" "Presents" "Kin-Dza-Dza!" "Screenplay Revaz Gabriadze Giorgi Danelia" "Director Giorgi Danelia" "Cinematography Paval Lebeshev" "Design Aleksandr Samulekin Theodor Tezik" "Composer Gia Kancheli" "Sound Yekaterina Popova" "Orchestra Director Sergei Skripka" "Assistant Directors L. Bits K. Gevorkyan" "Camera U. Yakovlev" "Hi" "Hi" "What's new?" "Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory." "How's the star schoolboy?" "He's out playing..." "Vovka, pop out for some bread." "I forgot it, can you?" "And I don't think there's enough macaroni." "Comrade, that man says he's from another planet." "We need to do something." "Call emergency." "I will, but he's barefoot, he'll catch cold." "Hello!" "Hello." "Excuse my bad smell." "It's so cold." "So I found this in an iron bin." "Fine." "Friend!" "Tell me the number of your planet in the tenture?" "Or at least the number of your galaxy in the spiral?" "I got my contacts mixed up and now I can't return home." "We know the number, but we cannot remember it now, my friend." "This lad will go to a bureau to look it up." "And you will wait with me at the bakers, okay?" "And put this on, for the time being..." "Thank you..." "Listen, my friends." "There's no need for the bakers, nor for the bureau." "This is my planet... 247 in tenture, galaxy Beta in the Spiral." "With this my space travel machine." "So which co-ordinates do I press in order to travel home?" "You see, time is relative - do you understand this?" "Let me make a suggestion." "We'll just press this contact and travel to your home." "But if this machine doesn't work, then you travel with us to where we want to take you, okay?" "No, please don't." "You need to know exactly." "Yes we can..." "So what can you see?" "Eh?" "Sand..." "So that shitty gadget worked... and that idiot, with his holes, he stayed behind?" "Don't worry..." "There's the sun, there's sand, there's gravity." "Where are we?" "We're on Earth." "Or..." "Or?" "No, let's take it we're on Earth, in some desert..." "So?" "Karakumi?" "Eh?" "What other deserts do we have?" "Gobi, Sahara..." "No, I said, do WE have!" "The only other one is the Kyzylkumi." "No." "Let's take it that it's the Karakumi." "Eh?" "So that means..." "The sun's in the west... so, Ashabad is this way." "Understood?" "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Comrade, what's your name?" "Vladimir Nikolaevich." "And I'm Gedevan." "Pleased to meet you..." "You have a bottle in your bag, is it wine?" "No, it's wine vinegar." "And some herbs - coriander." "So we'll live well." "Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember what number was given by the guy who took my socks?" "No." "Only maybe we're on the planet, he came from?" "Listen, Skripach!" "Whatever we guess, it's all the same and won't change a thing!" "Now we choose a direction and go." "The most important thing is to reach water." "Alright?" "Vladimir Nikoaevich, I want to put my slippers on." "Well, put them on!" "Then wait!" "What's the time?" "Four." "In the morning?" "Yes..." "Are you late?" "I feel uncomfortable..." "I phoned the airport to say I'd be there in an hour." "And here we are..." "Are you studying at the conservatory?" "No, it's not mine." "It's from Prof. Rogozin." "He gave a concert for us, and they forgot to put the violin in the plane." "A banquet?" "No, just a dinner..." "Ah!" "Are you from Tibilisi?" "No, Batumi." "I thought I'd return the violin, and still have time to catch the train." "I study textiles in Ivanovo." "Aha..." "First I tried to enter the MGIMO, the Institute of International Relations, but they told me that..." "Quiet!" "..." "A man..." "Hello..." "We're in the West." "Do you know any languages?" "English." "Some French." "Tell them we have no money..." "Tell them we can't pay them." "Hello!" "We are from a group of tourists and we've strayed from the group." "Take us to the town, there we'll manage it by ourselves." "Translate." "Hello.." "Chatl!" "No money." "Our money, documents, - all is left with the tour guide." "It's an accident..." "We left our bus just for a minute and lost it in the sands." "Take it." "It's warm." "Excuse me, what?" "You want my hat?" "I'm sorry... it's not mine, I can't give it away." "There's nothing in there." "Open it." "It's not wine, it's vinegar." "Sour, eh?" "Well friend so it's agreed?" "You'll take us?" "Skripach, quickly..." "Like I said we must get to the town, and there we'll manage it!" "Want the sweater?" "Bastards!" "Good that I kept the violin." "Now they feel ashamed!" "What 'Ktse'?" "He seems to want the matches." "You want the matches?" "There." "The whole box?" "Take us away from here, and we'll give you the 'koo'." "No "Made in" in here, not a letter..." "Excuse me, I don't understand..." "What do they want?" "They want 'koo'!" "Thank you..." "He wants me to wear the bell." "He won't get it." "I'll wear it, Vladimir Nikolaevich, if it makes him happy..." "Go ahead!" "All right, I'm persuaded." "I'll smoke, if that's all right with you..." "Quiet, quiet, quiet!" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we really are on..." "Yes!" "They're typical Martians." "Lusya, darling, why did you only need those macaroni!" "So." "We speak Russian, don't we?" "Why was it necessary to conceal it?" "We didn't conceal it." "It's very difficult to fathom a language, when you always think in two languages." "And that Patsak is talking all the time in languages, the rest of which he doesn't know." "Why are you staring at me, maimoona verishvilo?" "They speak Georgian too..." "What did he say?" "Ape, son of a donkey." "So." "We're from the Soviet Union, here on a cultural exchange." "Authorities know about us, and where we are, and they search for us." "If you don't let us contact our embassy, there will be large scale repercussions, is that clear?" "We don't understand 'embassy', put on the tsak quickly!" "That means you understand macaroni and maimuni, but you don't know what's an embassy, idiots." "I've had enough!" "You're morons, understand?" "You thought about macaroni so I could say it." "This is not the Earth, and not Africa, my friend." "It's the planet Pluke, 215 in tenture, galaxy Kin Dza Dza in the Spiral, clear?" "Shit..." "That's a situation." "Put on the tsak, my friend..." "Put it on." "There we are, well done." "Excuse me, where are we?" "Sh!" "Íe has very sensitive ears." "Do you know the tenture of your own planet?" "Tenture?" "Well, at least the number of your galaxy in the Spiral." "In the Spiral?" "In the Spiral." "The Spiral..." "Our planet Earth... it orbits with such planets as Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter..." "What others, Vladimir Nikolaevich?" "The Great Bear." "Vladimir Nikolaevich, come here." "On your planet do you have more matches?" "Well, you'll find them." "How many will you give us if we set you back there?" "How many do you need?" "Two boxes like these!" "Seven!" "Seven." "And give me what you have now, I will buy a gravitsapa on it." "Sorry, but what is a gravitsapa?" "Without a gravitsapa a pepelats can only fly like this, but with one it can reach any point in the Universe in five seconds." "My friends, how come you take your pepelats from the garage without a gravitsapa?" "That's no good practice." "We had a gravitsapa." "But when we arrived here, it was stolen." "Aha." "But don't you have a space travel machine?" "No." "Give me the matches." "Give us some water." "Like this!" "You need to do this!" "It's yours now, smoke like this." "Thank you." "He says there they have a gravitsapa." "Put your matches here." "Listen to me." "When you set us back on the Earth, you can have these both." "What?" "Come on, Skripach, let's enter the cosmic space." "Wait!" "Give it back!" "On mother Earth you'll get them." "Vladimir Nikolaevich!" "You said if we take you, you will give us them all." "But then you stole this match from us." "Patsak doesn't cheat patsak!" "It's not nice, my friend..." "I said - take us to the town!" "And what's this?" "A shed." "And what's this?" "What's this?" "What's this here - not a town?" "!" "Don't fool with us." "Show us your gravitsapa." "If it's a good brand, we'll take it." "Patsak!" "Whom will I trade your smuggled ktse here, also in front of witnesses?" "I'll get etsikh with nails for my lifetime for this." "Have you got a brain in your head or 'kyu'?" "We'll buy it ourselves." "Come on." "Stop!" "Stop I say!" "Who are you?" "I asked, who are you?" "An alien foreman." "No." "You're a patsak." "And who are you?" "I'm a Georgian." "No, You're a patsak too." "You're a patsak, you're a patsak and he's a patsak." "But I'm chatlanian, and they are chatlanian." "So you wear the tsak and sit in the pepelats, understand?" "What?" "Watch when I point a visator at myself, my friend... what colour?" "Green." "Now at him, watch - green too." "And at you...green." "Now look at Uef - which colour?" "Orange?" "Because he is Chatlanian!" "Now you understand?" "So what?" "Pluke belongs to Chatlanians." "Therefore we, Patsaks, must wear the tsak." "Yes, and in front of Chatlanians you must do like this." "Vladimir Nikolaevich, it's unashamed racism." "Show us again, please." "Like this!" "If you would, a little slower..." "Like this." "Vladimir Nikolaevich, your wife is at home, your son doing badly at school, you have to pay your mortgade you haven't paid yet, and you're here... fooling around." "It may have a bad end, my friend." "Very well, Skripach, let's play their games..." "There we are, well done." "Now give the match to Uef, so he buys a gravitsapa." "He said he needed all of them." "I was joking." "Very funny." "Wait." "I come with you..." "Don't show them your ktse, and don't think about it." "Show them only my ktse." "And don't give more than half a match." "Gravitsapa costs half a match." "Your Patsak said, it costed the whole match." "He was joking too." "Grade 300 cement?" "Patsak!" "Remember" " Half or less." "Okay." "Excuse me" " Chatlanian and Patsak - is it nationality?" "No." "Biological factor?" "No." "From different planets?" "No." "So what distinguishes you from one another?" "Are you colour blind, Skripach?" "Green differs from orange, doesn't it?" "Tourist!" "Wow!" "Skyscraper!" "Come on!" "Do as I showed you." "Hello, miss." "It not too cold in that coat, eh?" "They don't want me." "They want you alone." "Don't give them ktse, bring the gravitsapa here, and I'll look at it." "Go..." "Not you!" "We're together!" "Not you!" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!" "It's alright." "Wait here." "Stay exactly here!" "Hi!" "How's life?" "You say, I shoul squat." "Okey, out of respect for the ladies here." "Well what's new on Pluke?" "Put here ktse, and you'll get the gravitsapa." "Half?" "Half." "Can I look at it?" "Look." "In general I am not a specialist on these gravitsapa, so let's go and show it to my Chatlanian." "He'll examine it." "Right." "Let's adjust the Tsapa." "Sope throat?" "Water..." "I have a proposal." "I'll give you the rest of this ktse, and you give me two bottles of water." "Agreed?" "Let's do it." "Do you have any food?" "Kasha..." "What sort?" "Plastic." "So if I give you a whole ktse, you'll give me five bottles of water and a kilo of kasha." "What is it?" "Ktse." "We need to check it." "Check it!" "Oi, just a second!" "Wait..." "Skripach!" "Can you obtain more matches on Earth?" "I can." "If you can spit this further, I'll give you half a chatl." "Like so... spit." "If I can, you give me two matches...." "Do you see?" "No." "It's a simple game." "I give you half a chatl, you give me three matches." "Go ahead, spit, my son." "Thank you, I'd rather not." "Well fine." "You give me one match, and I give you three chatls, yellow trousers, and these odds." "Go on!" "No!" "Blue trousers..." "Mr. Uef, I will not play on any terms and conditions." "Is it your latest word?" "Why do you then fool around with me, maimoona verishvilo?" "Mr. Uef!" "I represent a civilized planet, and I demand that you attend your lexicon!" "Where are they?" "Who?" "The one with a scar, I gave him all the matches, like an idiot." "Quiet, my friends." "Enough!" "Enough?" "What do you mean enough?" "I told him a thousand times, we need to go to the centre." "But he's greedy, like all Chatlanians - 'it's two chatls cheaper!" "'" "Well there's still one." "As I understand it, enough for a gravitsapa." "Give it to me." "Here." "Why?" "To buy a gravitsapa." "Where?" "There, in the centre." "And how will you set us to mother Earth, when you don't even know, in which galaxy it orbits?" "Idiot, the number of your planet any planetarium in the centre will tell us for two chatls!" "So you'll give me the match?" "So you can bury us in sand?" "So you won't give it?" "No." "Is it your latest word?" "The very latest!" "Then good-bye, my friend." "They're going, Vladimir Nikolaevich." "They won't go anywhere, they'll hang themselves for a match." "Either you give us that match, or we won't set you to the Earth for less than 7 boxes!" "Two thousand." "Three." "Two thousand three hundred." "Three." "Two thousand five hundred, I can't give you more." "You can, my friend." "Mr Beeh," "I have 50 rubles, matches cost 2 kopeks a box, that means I can buy two and a half thousand..." "Skripach you're lying!" "You have more chatls." "Mr. Uef!" "I am not Skripach for you!" "My name is Gedevan Alexandrovich..." "What's that, an engine?" "Don't poke your nose in every hole!" "...Gedevan Alexandrovich..." "Gedevan, let's tie up these lads now, and take a course to the North." "Why?" "Maybe the shores of the Mediterranean are there?" "Ha, so Vladimir Nicolaevich, you've gone out of your mind, my friend." "Where on Pluke is there a sea?" "They made luts from them long ago." "Sorry, they made what?" "Fuel, Skripach, fuel..." "Now you owe us 6 140 boxes." "How has it accumulated so much?" "You ate the kasha, you drank the water... and took the bandura." "No, delete the bandura... we don't want the bandura." "Put it down..." "Let's at least take something technical, if not who will believe it?" "Now trade them the violin, if you like the bandura so much." "It's an 18th century Italian violin, it costs 1000 rubles, if not more." "How will I pay for it?" "Skripach, instead of constantly thinking that you're the first Georgian cosmonaut, and that you'll get a Nobel Prize for this, give back the spoon you stole from poor artists." "I never thought of such a thing..." "I wanted to send it to the Institute of Non-ferrous Metals, maybe it's something new..." "Heavens!" "The heavens never saw such a disreputable Patsak as you, Skripach." "I am deeply sad." "Where are you going?" "To the toilet." "You can't go to the toilet with money, money is left here." "Gedevan Aleksandrovich." "Ktse are very expensive, my friend." "Why?" "Well now, on Earth, how do you determine who should squat in front of whom and how many times?" "Well, you just have a feel for it." "Barbarians!" "Listen, I've started to like you, and I'm teaching you." "If I have a few ktse, I have the right to wear yellow trousers." "And in front of me a Patsak should squat not one, but two times." "If I have many ktse, I have the right to wear crimson trousers, and both a Patsak should squat twice in front of me, and a Chatlanian should say 'koo'." "And the Etsilopp don't have the right to beat me at night." "Never." "I have a suggestion, my friend." "You give us the match now, and we'll give you yellow trousers after, okay?" "Thanks, I have some already, perhaps Skripach needs them." "Skripach!" "Here are some interplanetary trousers for sale." "Yellow ones." "Do you want them?" "Skripach isn't here, my friend." "Why not?" "I ejected him." "But you needn't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich - we have another ejector seat, a new one." "I don't understand..." "I pressed the kappa - he flew." "We don't need Skripach, my friend, he only wastes extra fuel..." "Turn around!" "Not possible..." "Luts is finished." "We need to fly to the luts station." "Turn around!" "Or this damned match will burn now!" "Gedevan!" "Skripach!" "Skripach!" "What can have become of him?" "You've been told." "The etsilopps have caught him." "Well let's fly, my friend." "You're bastards!" "Get in touch with the etsilopps by radio!" "But we don't have a radio, we threw it out." "I'll take a look..." "Etsilopp!" "Put on the tsak, quick... put on the tsak." "Leave it!" "Put it on, or he will trankluk you." "You and the match." "Good day." "Listen, friend, we lost a young lad here, you haven't come across him?" "What?" "Oh!" "Sorry, I forgot..." "They said you picked him up." "I said we don't need Skripach." "I said it." "Now how do we buy luts?" "How?" "You're a bad disease, my friend..." "He's worse." "He's just a 'kyu'." "Here's a suggestion." "We find Skripach, and fly to the local government..." "Bring a little sand, my friend..." "We tell them who we are, where we're from..." "They'll give us a gravitsapa, and we'll organize some mutually beneficial trade:" "you give us yellow trousers and we give you as many ktse as you want." "To fly to the government - we need to have a gravitsapa." "The governors live on another planet, my friend." "Uncle Vova!" "I'm here!" "Here..." "Skripach!" "What!" "And where is my thing, this..." "Tsak?" "Well?" "I have it." "So give it to me!" "Why here?" "Well, just give it to me, I said!" "There's no one here." "That's mine." "Alright, then keep it ready." "You asleep?" "No." "Don't lose heart, Skripach." "If there is a gravitsapa on this Pluke, we'll get it." "We've got scarcer things..." "Listen!" "Eh!" "Wait!" "Listen, drop us off in the centre." "Patsak!" "Stop." "What?" "Don't come any closer." "Why do you want?" "Take us to the centre!" "..." "Three chatls." "No money!" "But we'll work for it!" "And what can you do?" "Me?" "I can do everything!" "And what exactly?" "Vladimir Nikolaevich is a builder foreman, he can build you a house." "And what can you do?" "Me?" "He can play the violin!" "Play..." "Play." "I can't!" "See you around, Patsaks." "Woman!" "Wait!" "I can play!" "Play!" "Here?" "There!" "Wait a minute." "I'll turn on the sound." "Play." "And sing." "Wait, wait!" "How does it go..." "Mama, mama, what should I do?" "..." "Cool!" "What?" "I said, 'Cool!" "'" "These people like it." "What?" "These people like it!" "Let me be a drummer." "How?" "Foreman!" "We don't need Skripach!" "Don't worry, he can be useful." "Give us some water to drink, eh?" "I said, after the performance." "And we could take it by force." "Then you'd have to ask us." "Oo!" "Touch me - etselopp will come and pull off your legs." "I don't give a damn about your etsilopp!" "Calm down, Skripach." "Don't provoke the lady..." "Foreman!" "Look....." "Alright, I understand." "Listen, do you know anyone with a gravitsapa and a pepelats?" "Why?" "Well he could drop us off on Earth, and we'd give you a big box of ktse, and him..." "I understand that your people don't trust words, well read what I'm thinking that your wife is phoning the morgues." "No, what exactly now I'm thinking." "What you're going to give us." "Then it's the truth." "What idiot on Pluke thinks the truth?" "Absurd!" "So because you say what you don't think and think what you don't think, so you live in cages." "All this bitter cataclysm which I see here, and Vladimir Nikolaevich sees too..." "Patsaks have to perform in a cage, so we need a cage." "Why show off?" "Doesn't matter, my dear, we will sing beside the cage." "Get in the cage or he will see us, and will trankluk you." "We're not animals." "What?" "No you will come inside!" "Come inside!" "Let go!" "You will get in!" "Wait!" "Get in!" "Get in, or he will melt us!" "Okay, get in Skripach." "If she wants it that badly." "Get in." "One two three..." "Dance!" "Dance..." "You know, try to find another ensemble... my friend." "What?" "I'll be back." "We've got to get out of here." "Boys, push the cart, it's uphill." "The pleasure is ours..." "Gas!" "See you, bastards!" "I will tell everybody where this buffoon PZh has led the planet." "Patsaks have walked all over Chatlanians!" "Well, everything there?" "She stole the eau de cologne." "Women!" "..." "Hang on, is that lead you got there?" "Let me, uncle Vova." "I don't even know which way to look." "Where's the Earth?" "Galina Borisovna!" "Comrade Mashkov and I, as patsaks, could receive two chatls for a performance - it's the maximum." "Water, luts and fines for epsilopps - a minimum of one chatl a day." "And a gravitsapa costs half a ktse!" "That's 2200 chatls." "Divided by 365, take off Saturday and Sunday we get 6." "And that's for those 6 years when I had no way of returning!" "That's all very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but these are just words." "Where is the proof, that you arrived from the space, and didn't sell the violin, as Prof. Rogozin alleges, and spent all this time in a discotheque in Gagri?" "Here's some rock." "Here's a chatl." "Here's a tsak." "And a nut and sand I attached to the explanation report and handed in to Dean's secretary Raechka, so that it could be sent to UNESCO." "Where?" "UNESCO." "You are a grown man, Gedevan Alexandrovich." "You study for one term and disappear for years!" "And explain yourself... with some pebble, some piece of old Caucas ceramics, and a fishing bell!" "And you pretend to be... well, as to that, if you have musical talent, then why didn't you participate in our amateur performers course?" "You will excuse me, Skripach, but it's elementary koo!" "End of part One." "Part Two" "Short Chatlo-patsak dictionary." "Ktse - matches Tsak" " Little bell for the nose." "Etsikh" " Box for prisoners." "Etsilopp" " Member of the Police." "Pepelats" " Interplanetary ship." "Gravitsapa" " Component of Pepelats motor" "Kyu" " Oath permissible in company." "Koo" " All other words." "Hi!" "Hello." "Long time no see!" "Bye!" "Oi!" "Hang on a sec!" "I've got a proposal!" "What?" "What do we think of you?" "Well?" "Read our minds." "Why do you stick to us?" "What do you need?" "Do you have no shame?" "Do you?" "We are poor, unfortunate, hungry artists!" "What wrong have we done you?" "Why do you torment us?" "Give your bandura here..." "Tune up..." "Like so." "Come on." "One two three." "Mama, mama, what shall I do?" "Mama, mama, How will I live?" "I don't have a warm coat," "I don't have a warm vest." "Shut it!" "You're tone deaf!" "Mama, mama, what shall I do?" "Mama, mama, How will I live?" "Uncle Vova, let's do it again!" "They like it..." "They understand." "One two..." "Etsilopp!" "Artists!" "And where is our tub?" "The pepelats?" "Yes." "There..." "The fuel is finished." "Because of you, pests." "Skripach!" "What are you doing?" "Hooligan!" "Listen, leave me in peace, okay?" "My friend, it's somebody's last breath," "a grave..." "Checkmate!" "You said you were 'second class'." "He's a braggart!" "Cheat!" "You won by reading my thoughts." "If you had a brain, you'd be studying in MGIMO," "And not here pissing everybody off." "Want to play again?" "For your violin, case and tooth stick..." "And this!" "Okay?" "Okay!" "From you the bandura, the visator... and the mojo of Mr. Uef." "Agreed." "Let's do it!" "Uncle Vova..." "You need to screw the tsapa in." "Alright - you do it!" "I'm not allowed, I'm a Chatlanian." "Sod off!" "When it comes to advice, you're all Chatlanians," "When it comes to work, though..." "Fool's mate." "Cheat!" "You purposely thought bad moves for me!" "Use your own brain for the game!" "How can he use his own brain, when he's just seen these dolls for the first time?" "That's not my problem." "Give me my winnings." "No way!" "Uef, did you ever see such a mercenary little patsak-kyu?" "Never." "I told you we don't need Skripach, and here's the result." "Hey!" "Boss!" "..." "You said tsapa!" "Is it true nobody sings in cages on the Earth?" "Mr. Beeh, on the Earth we only have animals in cages." "Are those animals Chatlanians?" "I don't know." "They act like it..." "Is nightingale a Patsak?" "Why a Patsak?" "You said it sings without a cage." "Well then he's a Patsak." "Ah!" "So you see, you have the same open racism as here on Pluke." "Only the Patsaks have taken power, not the Chatlanians, just like you and your friend the Nightingale!" "Let me..." "You can have four gulps." "The water's for the youngster." "You owe us 6042 boxes now." "Skripach, make a note." "I already have." "Do you want some?" "No." "It's free." "Hey!" "What are you doing?" "And me?" "And me?" "I'll give you ten boxes more, take some water for yourself..." "God, Kin-dza-dza!" "A ship!" "It's not a ship." "It's a luts-station." "So we can refuel!" "We can't!" "This one's automatic, but with a woman attendant." "If we perform, she'll give us a discount, understand?" "Don't hesitate, Uncle Vova." "Come on, come on, my friend..." "Come on..." "If this was once sea, why are there no sea shells?" "On the Earth you still have seas?" "We have seas, and rivers, and honest people too, Mr. Uef." "Savages." "You make me want to cry." "Mama, mama, what shall I do," "Mama, mama, how shall I live," "I don't have a warm coat," "I don't have a warm vest." "It's a pity my boss can't see me now," "He'd probably give me a raise." "Keep quiet, Uncle Vova." "She's watching us." "They took the woman out and installed a machine." "So take enough for the money you have." "At least we'll fly some way!" "You can't buy luts in parts." "Luts costs 10 chatls per load, and we only have 7." "How far from here to the centre?" "160 km." "Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatls, in the right shoe..." "Oi, Chatlanian!" "What?" "Can you take your right boot off for us?" "Why?" "Kyu, bastard!" "All of you!" "Squat!" "Why?" "They're not epsilopps are they?" "It's PJ with his Patsak." "If they find out that you didn't squat," "It's life in etsikh laying on nails." "Who's he?" "You see that?" "Yeah, it's a hologram, my friend." "The violin!" "Quiet!" "Stand still!" "Stand still!" "And you say koo." "It's not a balloon, you idiot!" "It's the last breath of Mr. PJ." "Bollocks." "How could one person breath so much just before he died?" "Absurd." "Don't blaspheme." "PJ is alive!" "And I am happy." "I'm happier still." "Like this." "Come on, get inside." "Plastic." "No." "Is there a normal entrance to this supermarket?" "Normal entrance you have to pay chatls for, my friend." "Get on with it!" "Skripach!" "Patsaks go there!" "What are they doing?" "This is the fourth pump of Mr. PJ." "I love PJ very much." "I 'koo' him even more!" "And here they make water from luts." "What are they shouting?" "Sell." "Sell what?" "Sell everything." "So we'll take a gravitsapa!" "Gravitsapas are another department." "First we need to find out the tenture of the Earth." "Yellow Trousers... two times 'koo'." "Think!" "What's the diameter of you planet's orbit?" "I don't remember..." "Skripach do you know?" "No, we don't need Skripach." "You!" "All right." "The specific gravity of the core of your planet." "Think." "Specific gravity?" "No, I can't remember..." "I see." "The names of the planets in your galaxy." "Which ones do you know?" "Think." "Jupiter, Mars, Venus..." "There was a crystal display!" "Where is the crystal display?" "Skripach!" "Put it back in its place!" "I thought as it was lying there it was a piece of glass..." "Stupid idiot." "Enough." "Stop your brains squeaking, fool." "Here's the number of your planet:" "013 in the tenture." "On the left of the Great Bear." "Do you want to talk with the Earth?" "It'll cost you another chatl." "I don't understand?" "Think of your own telephone number!" "And ask them about matches." "...Hello!" "Hello!" "Can you hear me?" "Speak here..." "Hello!" "Hello!" "I'm listening, go ahead!" "Hello!" "Speak!" "It's timed!" "Hello!" "Lusya!" "Vova!" "Can you hear me?" "It's me!" "Vova, where are you?" "Well, I'm here..." "How are you?" "You..." "How's Cyril?" "Where are you, Vo..." "Where are you, Vova?" "I'm here, in some place," "I'll explain everything later." "How's mum feeling?" "Have you been to see her?" "I have been..." "I asked you where you were!" "Listen, Patsak woman!" "Stop fooling around!" "Run and buy two wooden boxes of ktse!" "Or we'll find another woman for him!" "Sod off!" "Lusya!" "Dear Lusya..." "Lusya." "My darling..." "Lusya..." "Lusya!" "Take the phone, right now, and call Victor Manohin tell him that the plumbing keys are in my cabin, under the thingy... under the cupboard." "Lying on the floor." "Did you get all that?" "Yes, I got it..." "Put me through to Batumi, 3-47-57, please." "Tell them to fetch Alec." "No, I won't." "Piss off you bloody thief." "Is something wrong?" "It's alright, only the Earth is so far way." "Instead of five, the gravitsapa will need seven minutes to warm up." "So let's go and get the tsapa ready for the gravitsapa." "Astronauts!" "Which is the tsapa here?" "This rusty nail, my friend." "Yeah!" "Everything here's rusty!" "And that's the most rusty." "Are you quite crazy?" "Oh, mama-mama!" "Lusya and Manokhin are here!" "Surprise..." "Uncle Vova!" "The match is in his cap!" "Strange, that they should fly off now." "Why strange?" "They've got a match, can buy a gravitsapa, and know the Tenture of the Earth!" "Comrade Etsilopp!" "Comrade Etsilopp!" "They've stolen our things!" "Arrest them!" "Arrest them!" "Forty Chatls." "We've no chatls." "Everything is with the tour guide." "And the violin they took is somebody else's." "And when they were in front of the video of PJ," "They didn't say Koo!" "Why are you staring at me?" "Why are you staring at me?" "If your bosses find out that you knew of this and did nothing," "You'll be bloody trankluted!" "Get it?" "I didn't do nothing!" "I pressed the kappa straight away!" "Skripach is a witness." "All guards!" "Bring a wheeled prison tub, here" "There's nothing in it." "Open it." "Show him." "It's vinegar." "It's none of your business." "The Patsak will be tranklukated," "The Chatlanian will spend his life in etsikh lying on nails." "Oh, brothers, brothers." "Fellow Patsaks." "Tell the truth, how I squatted." "How the Chatlanian pressed the kappa." "Shut the fuck up!" "Uncle Vova, please..." "Shut up!" "Parasite!" "Shut up yourself!" "Vova, friend!" "Gedevan Alexanich!" "Don't listen to him!" "Tell them that it was him!" "He didn't squat!" "No..." "And I'll give the pepelats to you." "Uncle Vova!" "The pepelats is mine!" "Mine!" "Quiet!" "Calm down!" "...Let me think." "Nobody insulted anyone..." "They all squatted, like monkeys." "I was confused." "And I brought the Ktse." "What Ktse?" "The match, which you took out..." "from the hat." "There wasn't a match." "There wasn't." "Uncle Vova, what's the matter with you?" "Forgive me, I forgot." "There was no match." "No match." "Life imprisonment for both in etsikh without nails." "Until the fine is paid." "500 chatls, 250 per head." "Thank you!" "Patsak!" "Glue the violin and sing songs!" "Skripach!" "You work the bandura!" "Friends!" "With the match it was a joke." "We wanted to make you happy!" "Bye!" "On the river, on the river, on yonder bank..." "Earthman, hello!" "I am sure one day you'll reach also this planet." "Greetings from Vladimir Nikolaevich Mashkov, builder from Moscow, and Gedevan Alexidse from Batumi, who are the first to set foot on these villainous sands established in this Universe backyard." "Brother Patsak, put some more of your plastic." "You have some water there." "Well, give me something for it." "It might be so that someone who knows me is still living on Earth." "Tell them, I did not mean to steal the violin." "There!" "Looks like new!" "There's still a little bit." "It happens..." "All a in lifetime." "High calorie?" "Earthmen!" "How could you be so careless?" "I could hardly find you." "I got my memory back." "Here's your sock, thank you." "If you want, I can return you to the Earth." "I found out your number in the tenture." "Only hurry!" "For one second here is half a year there." "Then I have a suggestion..." "We transport to the Earth now," "Buy some matches," "Shoot back here and sell them," "Bail out our friends," "We go to Moscow, and you go home." "I can't." "I've only three charges." "Well that's okay." "Enough times to go there back here and home again." "And me?" "Listen, friend..." "Well work it out, yes or no," "I'll count to three..." "One..." "Two..." "Wait a minute." "Take my suggestion." "It's my fault they are in prison." "And my little son has already grown an adult's beard!" "Two and a half!" "Two and a half!" "I..." "I can't do it." "Three." "Oh!" "Who needs it all?" "Tsak-schmak!" "It's all crap!" "And we..." "Where did you get that from?" "Eh?" "It was laying on a shelf in the planetarium..." "Skripach!" "You dear kleptomaniac!" "You brought us a gravitsapa!" "Patsaks!" "Patsaks!" "Why are you standing performing here?" "Standing is allowed only there." "The Etsilopps won't allow us." "You can only kneel here." "So what if we're here..." "You've still got to pay us." "Alright, come on..." "Come on, obey the rules." "Uncle Vova, your jacket is coming, and my hat." "Hi!" "How are things?" "Anything new happened... on Pluke?" "Sing!" "We seem to be out of voice today." "Sing!" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, I can't do any more..." "Don't worry, Skripach." "How much is that?" "One hundred." "Seems like we've sung enough." "And what's that there?" "Fifty." "Etsilopp!" "Patsaks!" "Why aren't you wearing muzzles?" "Turn round!" "Orders of Mr. PJ - all Patsaks to wear muzzles... and be glad." "So, that's for me and that's for you." "And that's for you." "Why aren't you glad?" "I demand to know." "Pick up your own gun, Chatlanian." "Put them on, then..." "I'm doing it..." "I'm glad." "Ho ho." "Oh look, PJ's coming!" "Where?" "Get up!" "Get up!" "Open your mouth!" "Wider!" "Skripach, gag!" "Quickly!" "Turn round!" "Nose!" "Give me the money!" "Okay..." "Make sure they stay there, like so..." "And you can get rid of these!" "If you think, that this junk won't tranklucate you, it'll be the last though in your Chatlanian head!" "Show us the shortest way to the etsikh area, quick march!" "Everyone lay down for half an hour!" "Forwards!" "Forwards!" "Quickly!" "Excuse me Grandma..." "PJ's mom." "Did you see it?" "It's him." "Everyone quickly now... in the pool!" "Open the door." "And stay there for 24 hours!" "Do you Koo or not?" "Here..." "What number?" "The last one." "Hello..." "Hey, Chatlanian!" "Sing!" "Finish, Skripach..." "Wheel out the last but one." "Vanish!" "Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich." "Gamarjoba..." "Get out." "I can't." "They'll catch us." "Stop!" "We have a gravitsapa." "Koo, uncle Vova!" "Cut it." "Right here." "Throw your weight on it!" "Uncle Vova!" "Help me roll the etsikh out!" "Leave it!" "Vladimir Nikolaevich!" "Because of one stone from the moon mankind wasted a thousand years, and here's a living alien, and an etsikh made of an unknown metal." "Leave it, I said!" "Tsapa." "Yes, sir!" "Tsapa." "Tsapa!" "Push the tstapa." "I've pushed." "So are we flying?" "Taking off." "Brothers!" "Be quick!" "They're after us now!" "Don't interfere." "She's landed." "Where?" "Hanut." "And what's Hanut?" "The planet I was born on." "And me." "Night." "It's always night here, now." "Time to put this on." "Why?" "There's no bloody air." "So how do you live here?" "Nobody's lived here for years." "Guys from Pluke tranklucked everyone, while we were on the tour." "Why?" "Because we didn't have time to do them first." "And why would you want to do them?" "So that they weren't hanging over our heads." "And everybody perished?" "Of course." "Vova, I've a suggestion." "The planet Hanut is only worth kopeks now." "63 chatls." "We go and sing 'Mama' around the galaxy for a month, then the planet is ours." "And another month - we can buy air." "93 chatls." "Guys from places with no air will jump into here." "The air will be ours." "They'll be crawling around, and we'll be spitting on them." "Why?" "For fun!" "Where's the fun in that?" "You're too young to know..." "Half the planet's yours, half ours." "Okay?" "Tempting, of course..." "But we need the Earth, guys." "We have to hurry." "The supermarket closes in half an hour." "Vova, you don't..." "Just look." "We're here." "And there's the Earth." "And here's Alpha." "They make cactuses from us on Alpha." "Earth's in the anti-tenture, my friend." "And there's no way that we can reach it, understand?" "How's that so?" "Just is." "I always had bad luck." "It's not possible for a pepelats to get to Earth." "Enough of this bollocks!" "Is it clear?" "Let's divide the planet up." "You found this out in the planetarium?" "Yes, my friend." "...therefore you stole a match?" "Of course." "They're lying, uncle Vova." "Don't believe them." "Now, take us to the Earth, that's all!" "No, Gedevan, they're not lying." "They'd crawl across the whole Universe for these matches..." "Vova!" "You shouldn't joke like that..." "The oxygen here is two percent of normal." "Gedevan..." "You don't need this." "You're young, you live a long time." "Maybe things will change..." "We don't need Skripach, uncle Vova." "Hey, Patsak!" "You'll be dead very soon anyway." "Tell the truth for once in your life." "Why didn't you go with that idiot when you could?" "What did you want?" "Crimson Trousers?" "PJ's bathhouse?" "Tell me!" "Gedevan, shvilo, tell me please." "Trust me, we're friends." "I have a Georgian mother." "Had." "He says she is a local Georgian." "Was." "Uef!" "I don't care what you think, I'll 'koo' them to Alpha." "And you, scabby Chatlanian, wear the tsak!" "And "faire la rå'vå'rence" when you speak to a Patsak!" "Hanut is the Patsak planet, my friend." "Repeat it again." "You eject us on Alpha, and try to brake in its orbit, and then..." "There's no chance to brake there..." "Don't interrupt!" "Go on, my friend." "On Alpha, when they transfer us to the Earth, we need to keep our fingers on the back of the space travel machine so that it stays with us." "On Earth we must buy you four wooden boxes of matches." "Go on, friend." "How many times should we repeat it..." "Let's go, if we can." "Because of you I'll be locked up in a flowerpot forever!" "And you don't want just to repeat it for us." "Brothers!" "Dear, good, friend of mine..." "Let's fly, or at least close this door." "I can't stand looking at you any more," "I feel sick anyway." "Farewell, my friend." "We're flying." "Brake!" "Brake!" "Brake!" "How can I brake when you drank all the brake fluid?" "Alcoholic!" "He'll be sick." "Switch off your antlers!" "They won't switch off." "Then take them off." "They'll break then." "It seems to have landed." "Just like last time." "Put on your gas mask." "And the tsak?" "No, we can do without it." "Earth!" "On the river, on the river, on those banks..." "No... not the Earth." "Hello!" "We're Patsaks from the planet Earth." "And you are?" "This is the planet Alpha." "Report your co-ordinates to Deacont, and she will transfer you to your point of departure." "Good luck!" "The number of your planet, if you'd be so good." "013 in the tenture." "Here it is..." "Somewhere here straight ahead." "There." "To the left of the Great Bear." "That's not necessary." "If you would, hold hands." "Woman, what are you going to do with these?" "Into the Little Greenhouse." "Please." "Hold hands!" "Do you really turn people into cacti?" "Only out of Plukeeanians." "Oh, but they're not Plukeeanians." "They're Hanutians." "That is irrelevant." "Please put on the breathing masks." "Why, your air is really nice." "That is precisely why." "God, just look at her." "Ok, Gedevan." "Calm down." "Put it on." "In the name of the planet," "I'm asking you to let them go." "Who decides their fate?" "Abrodox." "But..." "Take us to him." "Otherwise I'll take off my mask and start breathing." "You shouldn't worry." "Our greenhouses are very comfortable." "Blossoming, micro-climate, serenity." "One could be jealous of it." "Then why are you running around on the grass, and not inside in a pot?" "Please look where you are going, you've already squashed three little plants." "Friend!" "We have a big favor to ask you." "You can't continue." "No." "Our misfortune is the neighborhood of the galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza." "They are consumed with fury and depravity." "To continue their lives in the form of plants would be a blessing for them." "And for everyone else." "Can we ask themselves what would be a blessing for them and what not?" "Well if we were to give them the possibility to decide anything, then..." "Young lady, are you the most intelligent ones here?" "Did anyone tell you this or you decided it by yourself?" "We can't waste time with this." "You are creatures of the anti-tenture, and I must send you to your point of departure." "Or return you in time, to the moment when you made your fateful decision." "Choose." "Excuse me." "I don't understand." "To what time?" "The past... to Pluke." "Can you send one of us to Earth, and the other to the past?" "Vladimir Nikolaevich, I won't allow you on Pluke alone." "Listen, uncle, set it for the past." "What did it take, 50 minutes to glue the violin?" "50 minutes." "Brother Patsak, there is a guy coming with the sock." "Tell him to go to the etsikh area." "Do you know where it is?" "I know." "Go on then, show us." "Let's give them something else to do." "Everyone rest for half an hour!" "Thank you, my friend." "Play, play, peasants." "Skripach!" "Time!" "Once again you haven't transferred, bastards." "Again." "Get out." "Bollocks." "It's better for us here than on Alpha." "Come on, drag them out." "Quickly, we'll soon have the space travel machine." "Vladimir Nikoleavich!" "You owe us 11 000 boxes, as Skripach has noted." "11 020!" "I have a suggestion." "Vova!" "We'll transfer with you to a supermarket now, and after you've bought them all..." "There won't be any 'after'." "We can only go to the Earth." "Forever?" "Forever." "Me on a planet where they don't even know who should squat in front of whom?" "Bullshit." "Take the gravitsapa and do what you want." "Uncle Uef." "Uncle Beeh." "You will have a great reception there!" "No, genatsvale!" "When a society has no colored trousers to differentiate classes, then there is no goal." "And if there is no goal..." "Brothers." "Enough philosophyzing." "He's almost here." "Now, decide." "With us or not?" "Give us the gravitsapa, alright?" "Give it to him." "You'll regret it." "Well, let's say good-bye..." "I got used to you, you know." "Me too." "Well, take care." "Friends, Patsaks!" "Here's your sock, thank you." "If you want..." "Friend!" "What is your travel system?" "Let me have a look." "An ordinary system." "Press the button and go home." "Hi" "Hi - what's new?" "Manohin had a pipe burst at the factory." "How's the star schoolboy?" "He's out playing..." "Vova, pop out for some bread." "I forgot it, can you?" "And I think, there is not enough macaroni." "Comrade..." "How do I get to the Stary Arbat?" "That way, to the right." "Thank you." "...Skripach?" "Uncle Vova?" "...Skripach!" "Uncle Vova!" "Mama, mama, what shall I do?" "The End"