"# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Want a new beginning and a new address" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #" "Ah, morning, Mrs Cakeworthy." "Off to Farmer Boyce's house?" "Arr, it's all sparts down the olekem with them mantes now, annit?" "Arr, no good'll come of it." "You see if it don't." "Arr." "Arr." "Sorry to disturb you, Tyler." "The cleaner's coming, so I've got to tidy up." "You get on with your revision." "You'll sail through that exam, you wait and see." "See you later, darling." "Now, these, um..." "These, uh..." "Cows, sir?" "Yes." "These cows." "Now, you said that if we're gonna start dairy farming, we need a bull." "We've got a bull, sir." "There he is, there." "Yes, yes, I know that." "But you've also said we need a good herd of cows." "Now, how many is a good herd?" "Bryan's the expert." "He's your herdsman." "I've seen herds of up to 800, sir." "800?" "How's poor Rocky gonna deal with 800 cows?" "He'll have to work bank holidays." "I wasn't suggesting you get anything that large." "I think we should be looking between 250 and 320." "I think he can handle that." "Big old boy like him." "No worries, eh, Bryan?" "That's right." "Now, I'd appreciate it, sir, if you didn't let him see the magazine." "We can't let him see the magazine?" "Well, I'm the herdsman, sir, and I don't want him looking at, you know... mucky magazines." "Mucky mag..." "It's the Farmers Weekly." "To us it is, sir." "But to him, it's... phonographic." "But they're just cows." "They're not wearing stockings and high heels." "Oh, can we stop it now?" "I can feel my Weetabix coming back." "Morning, Farmer Boyce." "Oh, good morning Mrs, uh..." "Mrs, uh..." "Cakeworthy." "She's your house cleaner, sir." "That's a real mazzle with the buddens dowd, the glimes a souse, annit?" "(CHUCKLING) Annit just, eh?" "Specially this time of year." "Yes." "Got a good point, ain't she, sir?" "(MUTTERING) Dear God." "We're going to have a busy day today, Mrs Cakeworthy, 'cause my son Tyler's got to take an interview at the local school, so I want all his smartest clothes washed and ironed and ready." "Oh, he'll pass the interview like a caulk an shies, won't he?" "Yes." "Then he's got to sit an entrance exam." "Has he now?" "Ooh, dear." "Oh, he should pass." "He's a hardworking boy and he's very bright." "Ah, well, that's it." "You can't just go on looks alone, can you?" "No." "I've got to have a lie-down." "I've exhausted myself with that Spanish Armada crap." "I mean, it's just boats." "Loads of them." "They don't even tell you who won the race." "I mean, it's just Spanish blokes in tights!" "What's that all about?" "Bless him." "Yes." "Right, well, first things first." "I always like to start the morning off with a nice cup of coffee." "That'd be lovely, me dear." "Two sugars for me." "Oh, my God." "It's him." "My friendly next-door neighbour." "just ignore him, and don't do anything to draw attention to ourselves." "I think he's noticed us, sir." "You shouldn't be laughing like that, Llewellyn." "Farmer Boyce could've hurt himself." "You're right, jed." "I shouldn't have been laughing like that." "I should've been laughing like this." "Oh, you know, jed, I've been down in the dumps a bit lately, but now I know the perfect cure." "I just go out and watch a bunch of Englishmen trying to run a farm." "LLEWELLYN:" "Oh, my God." "Take no notice of him, sir." "He's just being sarcastic." "I don't know what he's got to be sarcastic about." "I've heard a rumour his business is almost bankrupt." "Arr, he should be down in the dumps." "He's even been going round the local farms asking for work." "Has he really?" "Oh, that's a shame, innit?" "His business going down the gurgler just as I'm about to buy a bloody great herd of deluxe cows." "That sort of thing could make him feel quite inferior, couldn't it?" "Arr, it could." "Arr." "Likely." "I hope you don't mind me saying this, missus, but I sense a tension within you." "I have a sixth sense, you see." "And I'm a medium and a clairvoyant part-time." "And I can feel your mazzles a comber and all's a guddle." "Am I right?" "Well, the last few weeks have been a rather worrying period for my husband and I." "What with having to move from London and start a brand new life." "When I say having to move from London, I didn't mean we had to move." "No, I mean, we're not..." "we're not on the run from criminals or anything." "No, of course you're not." "You ought to get out and enjoy yourself a bit, missus." "Why don't you come down the pub for the tribute night?" "My cousin organises all the entertainment." "See, my family's been in show business for years." "All the glims 'n' the fwarts and the trackle-palls." "Oh, yes." "My great uncle and aunt was a music hall act." "They were known as Death Defying Dick and Ethel." "Really?" "Is that a cobweb up there?" "These old places are full of them." "Uncle Dick used to climb up to a board 1 00 feet above the stage, and then dive off, head first, into a porcelain bath containing one inch of water." "In a minute, I'll show you my secret hiding place for the Hoover." "Then one night in Bradford, tragedy struck." "Aunt Ethel forgot to put the water in." "Uncle Dick was halfway down when he noticed." "Some swear they heard him cry out in strangulated tones, as it were," ""Ethel, where's the water?"" "But it was too late." "So, that was the end of their act." "Well, then the rumours started." "Was it quite the accident what it seemed?" "The muzzlers doing a doud a mort that Aunt Ethel had been having a fling with George Bovis, local plumber." "Well, whether it was true or not, what we know is he got the bath." "Makes you think, dunnit?" "Do you know, if I didn't know any different, I'd swear that cobweb's got even longer" "since we've been sitting here talking." "Arr." "This house needs a good going over, don't it?" "So how long do you reckon they'll be?" "They didn't say, sir, but they'll call as soon as they've located the right herd." "And I want them to keep quiet about it." "I don't want Farmer Llewellyn to know anything about this until that herd are in my field." "What you doing?" "You look like you're waiting for a jury to return." "The cattle market gonna give us a call back." "Hey, are we getting a flock of sheep?" "Oh, yes." "We've got an award-winning bull out there, so the next logical step is to get a flock of sheep, innit?" "Dear God, and private education as well!" "No, we're gonna buy a herd of cows, but not a word to your mother." "Morning, Mrs Boyce." "I want to tell her myself as a surprise." "Oh, hello, darling." "Don't "hello darling" me." "I don't know why you want to do this." "We've got a nice farm out there, and you want to go and put cows on it." "For God's sake, Marlene, how can I be a dairy farmer without cows?" "How many are you getting?" "Not that many, not compared to some that Bryan's seen." "I suppose some cows can look quite nice, sort of countryish, but if you get too many, they make the place look all muddy and horrible like World War I." "No, let's get, say..." "Oh, I don't know." "Six." "Six?" "Yes, six." "That's a nice round number." "Yes, six." "Six it is then, sir, but I might not be spot-on." "Maybe we could have a little water feature in the middle of them, you know." "A bit like a babbling brook." "Yeah, nice." "Hello, Winterdown Farm." "Ah, good news." "Hang on." "I'd better go carry on revising." "Right." "I so do not want to sit that entrance exam." "Why?" "'Cause I don't want to go to that school." "Look, you have got to get an education." "We'll be getting your GCSE results soon, and then you'll be on to your A-Levels." "But you see, I'm gonna be all embarrassed." "See, my new school are gonna contact my old school to get my results, so then my old teachers are gonna know where I live." "And then they might tell all my old mates that I'm living on a farm." "How will they know you're living on a farm?" "Arr, that's right, Winterdown Farm." "Yeah, all right." "So what is wrong with a farm?" "A lot of these locals have lived on farms all their lives!" "She'll be back in a minute." "She's just gone off to have a sneezing fit." "So, we'll change its name, all right?" "Now, off you go, back to your books." "Right." "Now, you send the invoice to Winterdown Farm, care of the farm manager, Elgin Sparrowhawk." "Elgin." "That's E for enlightenment," "L for Lambretta," "G for GÖtterdämmerung," "I for, um..." "'Ibernation!" "No, no, no, no." "Imbecile?" "Good." "I for industrialist," "N for new-monia." "Now, the surname is Sparrowhawk." "That's S for solemnity," "P for..." "jed:" "P for..." "The old school will know where we live." "P for piles!" "Good God, the Driscoll brothers!" "P for post-operative stress!" "Tyler cannot go to this new school." "Why not?" "Marlene, we are on the run from a gang of very violent criminals, namely the Driscoll brothers." "Don't I know it!" "I'm a prisoner in this dead-and-alive hole because of them." "Yeah." "Look, let me explain to you how things might pan out." "Tyler's new school writes to Tyler's old school for his GCSE results, so the old school instantly know our new address." "Then one day, the Driscoll brothers pay the old school a visit." "Now, this is the Driscoll brothers, Marlene." "They're not about to go to the headmaster and say," ""Please can you help us find an old and valued friend?"" "No, they're going to swan in and say," ""Have you ever seen a cleaner sawed-off shotgun than this one we're pointing at your nose?"" "And then the next thing is, they'll be knocking at our front door asking me" "if I want to go and play in the quarry!" "Calm down." "But don't you understand, woman?" "All school communication these days is done electronically." "So Tyler's new school will contact his old school and ask for the information by e-mail." "And the old school will send on his GCSE results by e-mail." "In other words, no addresses are used." "It's all done on a website." "And even the Driscoll brothers can't do a drive-by shooting on a website." "You're sure about all this, aren't you?" "Yeah." "I was worried, so I phoned up the school." "Good." "Well, that's all right." "Sorry about that." "just a bit of an anxiety attack, that's all." "And Marlene, don't do that." "That's R for Robert, as in De Niro." "And then it's R for..." "Robert, as in Redford," "O for..." "O for "Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your spaniel."" "O for Oxford." "W for..." "I could help you with this one." "W for Wordsworth." "H for "Hello, what you been up to?"" "A for arsenic." "W for "Well, I'll be blowed."" "And K for Catherine Zeta-jones." "Right." "You'll let us know as soon as they're ready for delivery." "Yeah." "Oh, isn't just?" "Yeah." "All right." "Bye-bye, me dear." "Well, you've got yourself a herd, Farmer Boyce." "And she won't say a word to Llewellyn." "Do you think I can trust her?" "Oh, she's trustworthy, sir." "That was my sister." "MARLENE:" "Well, say something, Tyler." "TYLER:" "What about?" "MARLENE:" "What do you mean, "What about?"" "We've just come from your new school." "You've just sat your entrance exam." "And somewhere between the classroom and the back seat of this car, you took a vow of silence." "I think me and your mother would like to know how you feel the exam went." "Crap." "I don't care." "I don't want to go to a private school." "I want to go to a state school." "For God's sake, Marlene, he only said he wanted to go to a state school 'cause he's depressed." "Stuff the school." "That's our farm down there, innit?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, wow." "Oh, God." "How many?" "How many are there, Bryan?" "Oh, I've seen more." "Bryan's seen more." "How many are there?" "jed: 300." "ELGIN: 300." "300?" "We agreed six." "Well, be fair." "He did say he might not be spot-on." "We got them on special offer." "What, buy six, get 294 free?" "For God's sake, Marlene, how can I be a dairy farmer with six cows?" "We wouldn't make enough milk for a rice pudding." "Right, let's introduce Rocky to his new friends." "Go on, old son, do your stuff." "Go on, boy." "You're in a bovine Bangkok, boy." "BOYCIE:" "I want you to remember this moment." "This could be the start of one of the finest herds in the whole country." "I feel quite moved." "Oh, God help us." "It's happening!" "Quickly!" "Phone the vet." "So, have you ever had this sort of experience with a bull before?" "Once, sir, many years ago." "So, what did they do for him?" "Pills, potions, injections." "Finally, they shot him." "He had a..." "How can I put it?" "Something." "It was a..." "A rotting infection." "We had a nice barbecue." "So, what did the vet say?" "Er, nothing yet, sir." "Bryan's taking it in a bad way." "So, what do you think could be wrong with him?" "Well, he's the herdsman." "Takes it to heart." "I meant the bull." "Oh." "Could be one of many things." "Some unseen injury." "Yeah, perhaps his feed needs a different mix, bit more iron in it." "Yeah." "Perhaps the poor old boy's feeling out of salts." "Oh, yeah, 'cause you remember years ago when you..." "Marlene." "I wasn't going to say anything about that, was I?" "I'm not stupid." "I was just gonna say, remember years ago, when you had a friend who had a bit of a problem." "Oh, yes, that's right." "Many years ago, back where we used to live," "I had a friend who had a similar problem." "Oh, I see." "What breed of bull did he have, sir?" "No, no, no." "No, this was in Peckham." "The only bulls you get in Peckham are in the middle of dartboards." "No, it was a vitamin imbalance, nothing more." "Doctor gave him some pills." "Did they work, sir?" "Well, that could be Rocky's problem." "On the other hand, he could have been doing his duty while we weren't looking." "If that were the case, half them cows would be in calf." "Perhaps Rocky's fuel's lacking in octane." "Arr." "Ooh, yeah, 'cause you remember when you..." "Marlene." "It was another friend of my husband's who had a problem." "If you don't mind me saying so, sir, you had a lot of friends with problems." "Urban stress." "Crisis in the cities." "Oh, poor old Bryan." "Do you know?" "I think I'll take him out a cup of tea, give him a shoulder to cry on." "I'm feeling a bit depressed as well, ma'am." "Talk to jed." "Right." "So, is this vet good?" "Oh, he's the best, isn't he?" "Oh, he's the best." "Except for the other one." "The vet's in the hall." "He wants to speak to you in private." "He's gay?" "That's what the vet said." "What's he mean, gay?" "What do you mean, "What does he mean?"" "The bull is gay." "It is a gay bull." "Rocky is camper than a Brighton bus stop." "And you can wipe that grin off your face." "Oh, I weren't laughing at that." "It was something else." "No, it was that." "I didn't think you could have a gay bull." "No, neither did I till the vet told me." "He's never heard about it, either." "He don't look gay." "Exactly." "Unless that thing was wearing a bushy moustache and leather jeans, how was I supposed to be any the wiser?" "I mean, it's just my luck, innit?" "I went out to buy the Rod Stewart of the bovine world," "I come home with Boy George." "So, Rocky's gay?" "Aw." "What do you mean "aw"?" "That is £1 8,000 worth of animal out there, that is not doing what I want it to!" "Tell me about it." "We should phone a television company." "Er, why?" "Because Rocky's different, ain't he?" "He's certainly that, all right." "No, you remember that dog on Esther Rantzen?" "The one what used to say "sausages"?" "Well, he was different, wasn't he?" "Like Rocky." "And he became famous." "So, maybe Rocky's future is in show business." "I think you'll find his future's more likely gonna be in Cornish pasties." "You are not sending him to the abattoir!" "You know, I get the feeling he's taunting me." "He's standing out there, smirking." "Bulls don't smirk." "Gay ones do." "I bet he's out there in my field, eating my grass, humming Wake Me Up Before You Go Go to himself." "Ladies and gentlemen." "A bit of hush now, please, ladies and gentlemen." "It's Friday night!" "ALL:" "Yay!" "And as everyone knows, in this here part of the world that means tribute night." "Yeah!" "So, put your hands together and give a big Oakam welcome to" "Fleetwood Muck." "# Loving you ain't the right thing to do" "# How can I ever change things that I feel?" "# You can go your own way Arr, go your own way" "# You can call it... #" "Now, Tyler, seeing as how this is a special occasion, bit of a celebration, what with you passing your entrance exam to your new school, and even though it's against the law, you being too young," "I'm gonna let you have a little drink tonight on the quiet." "Cheers, Dad." "Yeah, you can have half a lager." "Here, Dad?" "Do you think, erm, the people in the pub are gonna know about Rocky being a bit light on his hooves?" "No." "The only people who know about it are us three and my staff," "Elgin, Bryan and jed." "Now, I know they may appear a little bit stupid..." "Well, actually they appear to be very stupid." "But they are loyal, and they know when to keep their mouths shut." "# ...another lonely day #" "Will, Will, Will, Will." "Excuse me, Farmer Boyce." "(CAMPLY) Shut that door." "just you ignore them, sir." "It's pure ignorance and nothing else." "You're here to celebrate young Tyler's good news." "You enjoy yourself." "Thank you, Will." "That's very kind of you." "And when you're ready... (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I'm free." "# If you wake up and don't want to smile If it takes just a little while... #" "Been talking to Bill Garner, the one you bought Rocky from." "He was telling me that Rocky was like that when he owned him." "But he sired 500 strong, healthy calves." "How?" "Artificial insinuation." "You see, it's not really Rocky's moods or emotions that we're concerned with." "No, no, no." "It's the bounty that lies within." "Now, here's what happens." "FLEETWOOD MUCK:" "# Why not think about the times to come?" "# And not about the things that you've done" "# If your life was bad to you # just think what tomorrow will do #" "What, a jam jar?" "Oh, no, no, no." "No, it's more like..." "# Don't stop, it'll soon be here" "# It'll be here better than before... #" "I'm not doing that!" "No, no, not you, sir." "You're a gentleman farmer." "Old Bill Garner didn't do that." "His mum helped out till her arthritis got too bad." "No, no, we'll find somebody more suitable." "Oh, right." "Marlene, could I have a word, please?" "What do you want?" "All is not lost with Rocky." "He can still sire hundreds of calves through MFI." "You mean IVF." "That's the kiddy." "IVF." "Oh, wonderful." "So we're gonna have even more cows running round our fields." "Well, after listening to this band," "I didn't think I could get more depressed, but I was wrong." "So, who do we get to do the deed?" "The vet?" "No, no, no." "The vet's far too expensive." "You don't need to be a rocket scientist for this." "No, I'll think of someone." "Don't waste your time, Elgin, I've got just the person." "Llewellyn." "Yes, what can I do for you, then?" "Well, we're neighbours but, unfortunately, we got off on the wrong foot." "A misunderstanding." "I'd like to put everything right between us." "Now, earlier on someone was saying that you were going through a somewhat quiet spell." "They said you might consider taking on some work just to tide you over." "You got something in mind, then?" "Yes." "Why don't you pop over and see me in the morning?" "I don't do labouring." "But I'm not frightened to use these hands." "I think this job might be right up your street, Llewellyn." "Let's drink to that, then." "# Don't you look back #" "# I'm getting tired of the city All the noise and the mess" "# Why don't we run away To somewhere where the birds still sing?" "# I want the green green grass And a country house" "# In a place where my face ain't known" "#And in the green green grass It'll come to pass" "# We'll have somewhere to call our own" "# We'll have somewhere to call our home #"