"Come and knock on our door we've been waiting for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company too come and dance on our floor take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face" "three's company too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is calling for you down at our rendezvous three's company too" "well, i put up the clean curtains." "Oh, chrissy." "I sure hope jack likes them." "You're going to spoil him no, i'm not." "I just think if he's coming to live here, we ought to make him feel at home." "Well, i did my bit- i put the toilet seat up." "I just want to make his room more attractive." "Ugh!" "I always say it's little homey touches that make a home homier." "Chrissy, the man is coming from the ymca." "If we stick him in a broom closet he will feel at home." "I still think that-why are yo u watering the table?" "Oh, oh, i could have sworn that- oh, i put the plant in jack's room." "It'll brighten things up for him." "Oh, well, let's don't brighten things up too much." "You mean you don't wa nt me to be nice to him oh, sure i do." "Re." "It's just-you know how you a every time you think you think you're doing the right thing, you end up giving the guy the wrong idea." "T. You're right, i'll watch i so will jack." "What are you doing just stamping out jack's name for the mailbox." "E. But then he'll kn ow jack's living her chrissy, the mailman is supposed to know who lives here." "Not the mailman, my father you know how he carrie d on when i moved here from fresno to los angeles" ""sin city" he calls it i mean if he finds o ut i'm living with a guy hey, he doesn't have to know." "He knows everything." "Oh, chrissy, your father is just a minister, he's not god." "Oh." "See?" "The weatherman said there'd be thunderstorms tonight." "Oh, mr." "Roper, our smiling landlord." "L. I'm here to f ix your doorbel and mrs." "Roper." "I'm caddying." "Would have been here sooner, but i've been very busy." "Yeah, busy napping in your arm chair." "I wasn't napping g in my arm chair." "I was watching televis ion with my eyes closed." "When i want to sle ep, i go to bed." "And when he goes to bed, he wants to sleep." "T?" "What's wrong with tha oh, fix the doorbell, stanley." "It's time somebody's chime s were rung in this house." "You know, it's too bad your fairy roommate ain't checked in yet." "Why?" "He could fix this without a ladder-just fly up here" "stanley was born with that sense of humor, that and a few other birth defects." "Here's your problem right here." "Se." "See these wires?" "They're loo isn't that brilliant?" "How'd they get loose?" "Maybe it's like shoe laces, if you don't tie the bows tight- wires don't get loose all by themselves, you know." "Stanley be careful, they're live." "Ng." "I know what i'm doi s." "I just want to g et to the bottom of thi you've been playing aroun d with these wires?" "Girls got to have some fun." "All right, captain queeg, you got your confession-now make the bell go "ding-dong."" "Thanks for helping me with my stuff from the cab." "De." "You don't hav e to take them insi i wasn't going to." "Ns look, i'm sorry a bout that jar of pickled onio n, i broke in your cab, but i f you keep all the windows ope the smell should b e gone in about- a month." "Yeah, with any luck." "That's $2.75." "Oh, yeah, i got it right here" "interesting doorbell." "Aah, ow, ow, ow... i didn't hear nothing, i didn't see nothing, and i don't know nothing." "Oh, oh." "What happened?" "He's trying to tell you someone's ringing the doorbell." "Hi, jack, come on in." "Hi." "Couldn't you knock?" "I better get him to bed while he's still moving." "I don't want to go to bed, want to watch "name that tune."" "That's his favorite program ever since he guessed the "star spangled banner" in seven notes." "What about the doorbell?" "I'll fix it later, unless the interior decorator here would like to do it?" "I'm not an interior decorator." "No i thought all you f-fellows were." "What fellas?" "You know, tinkerbells?" "Oh, i see what you mean." "No actually, not all of us are interior decorators, some of us are boxers." "No kidding?" "No kidding." "You mean you'd actually hit another guy?" "Oh, only if he made fun of us." "We'll get your bags in." "No, wait, you don't have to do that." "Well it's only fair." "If it were my bags, you would have to carry them." "That almost makes sense, doesn't it?" "We hope you'll be very happy here, dear." "Well it beats the ymca." "Oh, yes, nothing but men, isn't it?" "I can imagine what it must be like." "As a matter of fact, i often have." "There you go." "Oh, thank yo u, chrissy." "I'll just put these in my room." "Oh, you can do that later e look, i'm going dow n to the regal beagl for a glass of wine." "Why don't you all join me?" "My treat." "No thanks, l-the what beagle?" "Le." "Regal beag it's a pub just like they have in england." "Yes, they've been opening up al l over the area." "Yes, real cozy, you know, a little wine, a little bread, u?" "A little tho no, thanks." "I've got an early class tomorrow-not tonight." "Not tonight, oh." "You know that's a perfect title for my autobiography?" "Well, here i am." "Yes you are, aren't you?" "Put it there." "Not your hand, the rent." "Huh?" "You do have your share of next month's rent, don't you?" "Y?" "Yeah, wh we need it to pay last month's rent." "Mr. Roper doesn't believe in charity." "Speaking of roper, how long do i have to go on letting him think i'm gay oh, as long as you live here." "That's the only way he'll allow it." "T. Well, just as long as you know differen chrissy." "Don't you have something to do?" "Ah." "Oh, ye come in the kitchen and show me what you've got." "Now?" "She means the groceries." "Ah." "Oh, ye you get that, chrissy- we'll take care of these." "Okay, what are you making for dinner tonight?" "Something i learned in class today- veal parmesan with a side dish of luscious fettuccini." "Oh, i just gained five pounds hearing about it." "Do you always carry your pickled onions loose?" "No they spilled out on the floor of the cab." "Well, i was go ing to wash them." "Janet- what that was my mother on the phone;" "she'll be here in a few minutes what's she doin g in l.a.?" "Oh, she went to see her dentist." "If she finds out-i mean t wo girls living in an apartment with a man, you know what she'll think." "Oh, come on, chrissy, people are doing it all over the place." "That's what she'll think." "Well, i thought that y our father was the problem?" "Your father's living with two girls?" "We've got no time." "I'll put his stuff away." "You take him down to the regal beagle, and keep him there until i call and tell you mother's gone, okay?" "Right." "Okay, let's go." "To?" "Do i have oh, you'll love it there- - the beer is flat, but the barmaid's not." "Move 'em ou t." "Ah." "How you doing?" "Nice to see you." "Oh, hello." "Oh, hey." "I'm so glad you changed your mind." "Come on, sit down." "Thank you." "Have a drink." "Hi." "What'll it be?" "E. Uh, white wine for m and you?" "I'll have a couple of- one beer is fine." "Coming up." "[Audience cat calls she's so healthy." "Down, boy." "I knew it." "You're not gay, are you?" "Huhoh, uh... oh, come on, i won't give you away." "No, i'm not." "I thought so." "I'm as normal as mr." "Roper." "Don't spoil it." "Er, but you don't have to worry, mrs." "Rop t." "There is nothing goi ng on in our apartmen nothing." "There's nothing going on in ours either." "Hello, mother." "Oh, i've never seen such traffic- hello, mother." " And these l.a. Cabs are terrible." "They smell of pickled onions." "Hello, mother." "Oh, hello, darling." "My poor feet." "Oh, you've had the carpet cleaned no, the walls just got dirtier." "Ar." "Oh, that's nice, de i'll fix you something to eat." "Oh, no thanks, i can't stay long." "I have to catch the 10:45 bus back to fresno." "Wonderful." "What?" "I mean, you look wonderful." "How's father?" "Oh, he's fine dear, but he worries about you." "We both worry about you living in this terrible town." "Are you sure you want to stay here with all the crimes and the muggings?" "Ly - oh, mother, it's not real oh, i've read all about the wil d parties and orgies, people running around without any clothes on." "Where would you read a thing like that?" "In your father's church magazine." "E. Mother, i wouldn't know an orgy if i fell over on oh, try not to do that, dear." "By the way, how are those nice girls you room with?" "Janet and eleanor, isn't it oh, janet's fine." "Eleanor left to get married." "How nice." "Did you get another girl for her room?" "No, no, we didn't get another girl." "That's wonderful." "No sense in my going back home this late." "Now you can put me up for the night." "How much longer do i have to stay here?" "S. Oh, just unt il chrissy call i'm kind of bushed, and i'd like to go to bed oh hey, honey, how about a game of darts?" "Y. Oh, no thanks, i don 't even know how to pla oh, it's easy." "I'll show you how to score." "R. Have another bee no, i want to go home to my own room to sleep in my own bed." "I don't want another beer would you li ke another beer oh, yeah." "Janet, there's a phone call for you." "Y. Oh, thank you." "That's got to be chriss well, i can see i'm out-gunned around here." "Besides, i got to get home and make the cocoa for omar sharif." "Good night, mrs." "Roper." "Good night, honey." "'night." "Oh, good night." "What do you mean, your mother's staying?" "Where's jack going to sleep well, there's the bus station." "The cops will pick him up." "T?" "What about the 24-hour laundroma the hookers will pick him up." "Janet, you've got to do something." "Me hey, it's your mother." "Ing." "Well if it was your mother, i'd do someth good." "Then just pretend your mother is my mother and do it." "Well, dear, i think i'll turn in early." "Oh, you can't go to bed why not?" "Lk." "Well we've hardly had a chance to ta you're right, let's talk re." "Not he all right, shall we go into the kitchen?" "What about a motel?" "A motel?" "We don't have to use our real names." "Chrissy, you're behaving very strangely." "Am i well, we just haven' 't seen each other much lately." "Which reminds me- chrissy, where are you going?" "Uh, i want to make your favorite salad and i need some carrots." "Well, where are you going to find carrots this time of night?" "Uh, there's a machine on the corner." "Look i'm sorry, i understan d your problem." "If i had any money i'd go to a hotel, but i just don't have $20.0 0 to throw away." "Oh, well how about the all-night showing of "war and peace" at the art theater?" "That's only $3.00." "You've got to be kidding." "Oh, no, this is the eight hour version- the original one in russian." "That is not a plus." "Look, i'm sorry, i'm going bac k to the apartment." "Oh, but chrissys mother's going to be in the spare bed." "It is not the spare bed, it is my bed and i'm going back i'm going to undress, i'm goin g to climb into my bed, and if anybody else is in there, that's her problem." "Oh." "And you're not stopping me either." "Give me the screwdriver." "Which mother are you?" "I'm chrissy's mother." "I'm sleeping here tonight on the couch." "No, in eleanor's old room" "really well, i guess you'll be safe enough." "I'm sure i will." "Wouldn't catch me sleeping in there." "Well, i should hope not." "Mei'm a decent, normal man." "I'm glad to hear it." "Would you like some hot milk?" "You got anything stronge r, like cocoa?" "I'll see." "It's my favorite drink before going to bed." "Really helps you sleep." "That's a medically proven fact." "I believe you." "My wife doesn't." "You know what she tried to give me one night at bedtime?" "Wheaties." "I mean, what did she expect me to do, hit a homerun?" "Wait, i've got an idea." "I want my own bed." "You haven't even heard it yet." "I want my own bed." "M. He could sle ep in our roo i wa-on the other hand, i don 't want to be unreasonable." "We could sneak him i n." "My mother won't eve n know he's there him in the same room with us?" "And you in the same room with him?" "T. Look, i will be on my best behavior, hones is the bed big enough for the three of us?" "Okay, she's asleep, come on the door." "Oh!" "I'm sorry, it's those fo ur glasses of beer." "Ssh!" "Come on!" "I'm sorry, if i can just get to the kitchen for a moment i've got a sure-fire metho d for curing this." "I don't want yo u to leave this room." "Anything you say." "This is your b ed, big time." "That's what i figured." "You can't sit there while we get undressed." "Oh, i'm sorry." "Will the view be better if i stand go cure your hiccups." "On?" "What ever happened to the sexual revoluti your side lost." "Chrissy?" "Messy, messy!" "Will you get in here and quit playing games?" "I'm cured-my hiccups are gone." "Good, go to sleep." "Right" "what's that?" "It's not me, i never moved." "Oh, it's that window in the living room." "Jack, would you mind closing it?" "Suppose her mother sees me?" "I'll do it." "Turn around." "That's a lovely mole you've got on your thigh." "Watch him." "He's tricky." "Boy, in that nightie she's really something." "I mean, everywhere you look at her, she's a girl." "What am i, a gorilla?" "You're very bright." "Ah, more like a chimp." "No, janet, i think you're very cute." "I can't budge the window and it's raining." "No, no, no, no, this is a job for the man of the house." "I shall return, meanwhile, make yourselves beautiful for me." "Oh, of all the vain, arrogant, egotistical- he's kind of nice, though yeah, he is, isn't he?" "Chrissy, is that you?" "Oh, dear!" "Chrissy!" "Chrissy!" "What's the matter?" "There's someone out there that's impossible." "Did you hear that?" "No." "I didn't hear that, either." "I've had it i don't care wh ose mother- don't blow it for chrissy oh, hi, hi, come on in." "Hi, what a surprise." "Oh, this is chrissy's mother." "O?" "How do you d i was just passing b y and i thought i'd knock why?" "Oh, well, there's an all-night showing of "war and peace"" "down at the art theater and i thought maybe i'd invite the girl s to come along with me, but silly me, i can see they're ready for bed, so i'll just mosey on my way." "Good night." "Wait, you're no t wearing any shoes." "It's against his religion." "That is just like jack- anything to be different." "Good night, jack." "Good night." "Jack, you wouldn't be jack tripper?" "Do you want me to be?" "Chrissy, is this the young man who's sharing t he apartment with you well, l-l-i mr." "Roper told m e all about him." "I thought he must be away since you let me have his room." "No mother, it's not as bad as it looks." "T. Yes dear, i kn ow." "It's all righ" "d?" "You mean tha t you don't min mindi'm delighted!" "With all the terrible things that go on in this town, it's such a relief to know that you have a man to protect you." "Oh." "Or in this case, someone like jack." "Well, i promise you, i'll never let them out of my sight." "Oh, thanks, jack." "I know i can trust you." "Good night." "Good night good night, mom." "Good night." "Well, you've got to get out of those clothes." "I thought you'd never ask oh, now he can sleep on the sofa." "Good night, jack." "Good night, janet." "Good night, jack." "Good night, chrissy." "Good night, john boy."