"(SHOUTS) I'm not interested in leagues, Terry, just results." "It's not my balls on the line here." "Either your grass talks, or you'II be directing traffic by the end of the week." "Sorry, Terry, I just realised I was incredibly rude to you just then." "I'm really sorry." "It must be the stress or something but that's no excuse." "I know you're doing your best mate." "Just ignore me." "Yeah, cheers." "Bye." "(SHOUTS) What do I have to do to get a coffee round here?" "(SNIGGERS)" "(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)" "That area over there would be a lovely place for a kitchen." "Oh, yes." "It's a wonderful space." "I was just wondering, is there a problem with damp here?" "I was wondering if you'd ask about that." "There is a Iot of moisture, but it's not actually a damp problem." "It's actually water which the current owners deliberately keep here." " It's deliberate water." " Yeah." "There's no reason you have to have water." "You can have any liquid, you know." "Gravy, acid or you could even have it with no liquid at all." " Oh, dry?" " literally dry, yeah." "Oh, that's good 'cause where we live now is dry so..." " So that's what you're used to, fine." " And is this it, or are there other levels?" "That's interesting actually, because it's split level, but the floor level actually descends towards this end of the property and the moisture is even more pronounced here." " Oh, oh, that's good, yeah." " (WHISTLE IS BLOWN)" " Get out the pool, you bloody idiot." " Shit, it's the current owners." "Quick!" "Somebody put in an offer." "Oh, oh." "Tough one, but I think we won them over." "Listen, alan, I've got something I want to tell you, er..." "I want to leave the act." "I don't want to be in Fish and Chip anymore." "What are you talking about?" "We've been together 15 years, Barry." "We're Fish and Chip, we can't just throw that away..." " Yesterday's fish and chips." " That's not funny, Barry." "Look, the truth is I've been talking to Roger Pin..." "Roger Pin, from Pin and Cushion?" "He and John Cushion haven't been getting on very well for a couple of years now and there's no easy way of saying this but...me and Roger Pin we want to form our own act." "What, Pin and Chip?" " Chip and Pin." " What the hell's that?" "That's not a thing." " It is." " What is it, then?" "It's a new way of making credit and debit card transactions more secure" " and it's going to be massive." " More massive than Fish and Chips?" "Fish and chips are on the way out." "They're high in cholesterol, there are associations with obese people." "No, Chip and Pin, that's the future." "This is too big an opportunity for me to pass up." "You've got to let me go for this, alan." "well, I wish you all the best, Barry, I really do." "I must say, I think you're making a big mistake." "It's just your arm, alan." "We've both always known, it's just your arm." "well, done it, Roger." "How'd he take it?" "As well as could be expected." "Yours?" "First time I've ever seen John Cushion cry." "I just hope we're doing the right thing." "I know we are." "This is our big chance." "It's time for Chip and Pin." "(chip) Little did we know, that was the beginning of an amazingly successful double act." "(COMPERE) Ladies and gentlemen, Fish and Cushion." "(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES)" "(PIN) Fish and Cushion?" "It just doesn't make any sense to me." "(chip) And of course he was right." "I mean, Fish and Cushion." "What does that mean?" "But you can't argue with a four-month sell-out run." "(pin) The hardest moment to deal with was when Fish and Cushion were selected above us to be the faces of the TV campaign launching Chip and pin." "That, I have to admit, was the one job that Barry and I were pretty sure that we, Chip and Pin, would get." " Life's tough without Chip and Pin, isn't it?" " It sure is." "(MAN) Don't worry, lads, Chip and pin is coming this February." "We've scored a bit of an own goal, really." "Yeah." "Can you find it in your heart to blame them?" "Not really." "Give it another ten years... ..and we'II buy a gun." "It's great the way churches have become more inclusive" " and open-minded these days." " Yeah, I'm sure." "I just don't think I'm really religious." "They're happy just to talk about stuff and it's a great place to make friends." " Can I help you?" " Hi, we're new to the area." "We've bought three of the almshouses." "We thought we'd just say hi." "Who the hell did you think you were going to say hi to, the Lord your God?" "'Cause I'm not sure you've lived lives worthy of his attention." " Er..." " Ha, erm..." "Yeah, we're not particularly religious." "We'd say we were spiritual people." "We're interested to find out more." ""Not particularly religious", "interested", "spiritual"." "Are you testing me, Satan?" "What happened to the friendly lady vicar I met last week?" "She's gone, child, they've all gone." "Banished by the Bishop." "I know where they're going eventually." "In the meantime, Daventry, and we're back." " Who?" " The incredibly horrible and twisted people who are still unaccountably vicars." " Maybe we should..." " I saw you in here last week." "I saw you reading the notices and talking about your views and eating other people's biscuits." "We were all watching you from the vestry and we all thought you were a bitch." "Look, steady on." "I mean, my wife's entitled to her views." "Oh, isn't she just." "Aren't you all entitled to your haIf-arsed musings on the divine." "You've thought about eternity for 25 minutes and think you've come to some interesting conclusions." "well, Iet me tell you, I stand with 2,000 years of darkness and bafflement and hunger behind me." "My kind have harvested the souls of a million peasants and I couldn't give a ha'penny jiz for your Internet-assembIed philosophy." " sally..." " We have a right to be here." " This is a place of peace." " Oh, please." "That's a very recent idea" " and not one that's going to catch on." " I'm certainly n..." "Be gone!" "Be gone to your Satanic aImshouse conversion." "Leave here damn, sinning, dog of a whore." "Oh, at Ieast leave a quid for the upkeep!" "Come on, pour us one." "They're breaking off." "I think I might have overdone it with the yeast." "Cheers!" "(MOANING AND GROANING)" "(SPLUTTERING)" "(IN HOARSE VOICE) Oh, and that's a bad miss." "And you can see the frustration on Terry McCarthy's face as he returns to his seat." "Not a look to be taken lightly, especially at around two in the morning on the streets of Derby, if the media's to be believed." "well, Terry is no stranger to adversity, particularly in the form of the police, and he has spoken publicly in very moving terms about that guy he cut." "I think he was right to put an end to the speculation and it does sound to me like that guy he cut was basically asking for it." "Which is not to condone Terry's actions." "Terry's Iightning-fast reactions." "It's not to condone it in any way when we say it was that other guy's fault." "certainly in the eyes of snooker, if not as it transpired those of so-caIIed British justice." "I think the thing to remember here, Ted, is that both men involved are sorry." "Terry has said publicly that he's sorry and that other guy, well, he's bound to be sorry, isn't he?" "Every time he looks in the mirror." "(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS)" "hello and welcome to "Numberwang", and today is a very exciting edition because it's our nine thousand three hundred and forty first programme." " (APPLAUSE)" " Oh!" "well, joining me to play this very special game of Numberwang are two brand-new contestants, julie from Durham and Simon who is from space." "well, Iet's get on." "It's time for round one." "Let's play Numberwang." " julie to go first." " 9." "1 4." " That's Numberwang." "And before we move on to round two, a quick word from giles Brandreth, who's with us all week in number corner." "So, GiIes, any funny number stories for us?" "Yes, once I ate 18 cakes." "More from giles later." "And giles' story is particularly apt for our next round." "It's time for Numberscoff." "In front of you edible numbers." "julie, as the winner of the Iast round, you go last so it's Simon to play first." " 6." " That's Numberwang, scoff a number." " julie?" " 1 7." " That's Numberwang." " (MUFFLED) 37.7." " That's Numberwang." " (MUFFLED) 50." " That's Numberwang, tuck in." " (SIMON BURPS)" " (SIREN WHOOPS)" " BeIchwang, which means double number points." "And neither of you have eaten a number 4, so bad luck." "Just time for a quick word from giles." "Oh, oh, 3." "priceless." "Let's look at the scores." "And it's absolutely neck and neck, because both of our contestants are on 48, apart from julie who's on 12." "So, that could all change in the final round." "It's time for Wangernumb." "Let's rotate the board." "Let's play Wangernumb, Simon?" "6." " 2." " 6." " 71 ." " 6." " 1 4." " 6." "8,709.324." "I was miles away." "Erm..." "I think Simon got Wangernumb ages ago." "Did you say 6?" " Yes." " That's Wangernumb!" "julie, you have been Wangernumbed, but Simon, thou art Lord Simon of Numberwang." "That's all from Numberwang today." "A last word from giles..." "Numberwank." " It's Numberwang." " Fuck." "Ohh, priceless." "well, until next time from all of us here... (ALL) Good Numberwang." "So get your bloody act together or you're history." "Get out." "hello, alan." " How do you know my name?" " I've seen them picking on you." "It's not fair, but all that's about to change." "I've got something very special for you." "Oh, really?" "Point this at someone and blow into it and it will reveal an embarrassing truth, a truth they'II be unable to deny." "What are you doing here?" "Get back to your desk." "(SINGS THROUGH CLARINET) # You wet the bed until you were 12..." "# I wet the bed the bed until I was 12 until I was 12, until I was 12" "# I wet the bed until I was 12 I had wet legs in the morning #" " (HOWLING WIND)" " Use it wisely, alan, for it has great power." " Excuse me, I was here first." " I don't think so." "(SINGS THROUGH CLARINET) # You secretly harbour racist views..." "# I secretly harbour racist views, Racist views, racist views, racist views" "# I secretly harbour racist views, I don't think Asians drive well #" "That's 25.40." " Did you say you'd pay for mine?" " What do you mean?" "It would be my pleasure." "That's 20, 2, 4..." " So that's a full 20 per cent." " And a company car." "I can't..." "Fine, I'II sort that out." "I'm sorry, sir, we are fully booked." "Huh, right this way, sir." "(DOOR BELL CHIMES)" "I warned you, I told you to be careful but you have abused the green clarinet." "Now you must pay the price, you must give back the green clarinet." " No way." " Then I shall take it from you." "Ouch!" "You can't do that!" "I'm the green clarinet man." "# You think you're magic But look like a twat, look like a twat..." "# I think I'm magic but I Iook like a twat My mum has made my costume" "# You scratch your arse and sniff your hand, sniff your hand..." "# I scratch my arse and sniff my hand I find the smell erotic" "# You're not allowed near local schools Near local schools, near local schools..." "# I'm not allowed near local schools The probation service tagged me #" "Ooh!" " Today I think I'II have a free meal." " I think not, sir." "Hm, but you forget I have a green clarinet that makes you tell embarrassing truths." "Ah, yes, but now I have a red tuba, which makes you shit yourself." "(BLOWS LONG NOTE)" ""Thank you so much for the invitation to appear in your calendar" ""but sadly Rob and I will be..."" "Erm...what shall I put next?" "Er, whatever." " Look, do you want to type for a bit?" " What?" "I can't type." "You know that." " Look, I'm very tired, you type." " AII right." "Rob and I will be unable to take part in the photoshoot..." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Rrrr-ooo-bbb..." " Erm..." " What?" "I'm quicker with my own name." "What comes next?" "Oh, space." "Then..." "Come on, or this will take forever." " You can do it faster than that." " No, I can't, David." "I can't." "Oh, pick on the non-swimmer, shoot the wounded." "I'm typing as fast as I possibly can." "Rob and I will be unable..." "And!" ""A" space, "N" space, "D" space, shift "I"..." "Wh...?" "Why are you doing spaces between the letters?" "Oh, I'II have to go back." "delete, delete..." "Weeeee." "Oh, I've gone too far..." " Aaaah!" " David, careful!" "I nearly dropped your computer then, mate." "I think you'd better have it back." "I'II pop back when you've re-typed the beginning bit." ""sadly, I will be unable to appear in your calendar," ""but Rob, an inveterate nudist, is very keen to take part." ""His suggested pose is on all fours like a donkey" ""whilst being ridden by alistair McGowan."" "Good evening." "apparently you can see me." "I can't see you but the scientists and engineers have assured me that this is perfectly usual, although I must say I am a bit disconcerted." "This is the first of what we hope to be weekly television broadcasts from us here in London to all five of you with television sets." "We had a discussion about which way I should look and we all agreed that appearing in profile is what looks most normal." "I'm now going to hand you over to my colleague Mr stanley Temp, a quite brilliant man, to continue with the broadcast." "It's me and may I say that who you were looking at before it was me is also quite a devastating genius." "Excuse me, but I can't possibly allow that to go unchallenged." "You feel hot." "My colleague is far too kind to me." "I couldn't possibly be far too kind to such a brilliant man." "He's brilliant." "Now, here at television we're very keen to find out the properties of this exciting new device." "Does it work like a telephone?" "You can hear us, but can we hear you?" "So we're going to carry out an experiment." "When I say "go" I want you all to shout "hello there"." "Go!" " (MUFFLED) hello there." " Yes, I distinctly got something!" "well, that's very..." "Oh, I'm just being told in my earpiece, which you may be able to make out..." "I'm just being told in my earpiece that apparently four of the five television sets currently in use are actually in our technical room next door so we're not sure whether I was hearing you through television or just through a door." "Is there any way of finding out?" "I'm just being told through my earpiece that there isn't, at Ieast I think I am," "I couId be hearing that through a door as well." "Now we don't even know if the earpiece works." "This really is one step forward, two steps back." "My ear hurts." "If we're having Freddie, we've got to invite Daphne and VeIma as well." "Oh yeah, those three are absolutely priceless, especially when VeIma does her "losing her glasses" routine." "Yeah, that kills me." "Why doesn't she get contacts?" "Oh, I think it's a lesbian thing." "Oh, I've just had a thought." " What?" " If we invite Freddie, Daphne and VeIma, there's a chance they'II bring that other one." "Oh, God, the scrawny one, the one that doesn't wash, what's his name?" "well, we don't know, I mean, he calls himself Shaggy but I don't believe that's his name." "I think its some kind of hollow sexual boast." "I think it definitely is." "He's desperately trying to present himself as some sort of stud, despite being quite ugly and incredibly cowardly." "The last time I saw him he was literally shaking and he spent most of the evening scampering up and down a Iong corridor." "well, that's certainly no way to make people have sex with you, but maybe we're being harsh on him." "I mean, he's so thin and he's always shaking." "He's probably in the throws of some gritty smack battle." " Let's ask him along." " Yeah, I mean, how much harm can he do?" " although..." " What?" "well, there's a chance, just a small one, that he might bring his dog." "Oh, not his bloody dog." "He won't bring his dog." " people don't bring their dogs to parties." " Shaggy does." "If anyone is gonna bring a dog to anything, he is gonna bring his dog to this." "He treats that dog like it's a person, it's creepy." "That dog must have been mistreated in the past." "It's incredibly nervous." "You remember that HaIIowe'en party that Shaggy was at, every time a new person came in dressed as a ghost or whatever the dog would have an absolute fit, make the most unnatural noises and jump into Shaggy's arms." "I was convinced it was gonna shit everywhere." "well, that's not the worst of it." "Remember at Jodie's do, you remember Jodie, her dad owns that disused fairground." "well, I was just popping to the kitchen for some more ice and who should I find but Shaggy and his dog assembling the two tallest sandwiches I have ever seen." "I know, they made one the Iast time they were here but they had a freak out before they could eat it." "I think it's cruel to make a dog eat that." "I tell you what, I think Shaggy must be very bitter." "He's obviously invested a Iot of time in teaching that dog to talk and it just can't." "Maybe he thought he was gonna get on "That's Life"" " but it's just not happened." " Which is a pity really because of course the dog's nephew, also a dog, a little puppy, actually talks very well." "Oh, that's right, I've met that little dog and it actually speaks very good english." "It's also quite a Iot braver, if a little impetuous." "It is a bit impetuous, yes, but I think you've got to forgive that of a talking dog." "Yes, I think you do, I think you do." " Is this seat free?" " No." " It's not?" " No." "Right, OK." " Who's sitting here, then?" " No one." " Oh, it's free." " Yeah, it's free." "Sorry, I thought you said it was taken." "I thought you were asking if it was taken, so I said no." " Right." " What the hell you doing?" " Erm..." " I'm joking, I'm joking." "bloody hell, that was tough to watch." "I think we've all been there but it could have been so much worse." " Sorry, is this seat taken?" " No, I'm afraid not." " Thanks." " Nooooooo!" "That's our chair." "That's for my friend Wendy." "She's got cystitis." "Ouch." "That's why we at the Committee to Combat social Misunderstandings are advising the government to introduce a bill standardising seats application as follows." "Can everybody be quiet?" "I need silence." " (MUSIC AND CHATTER STOP)" " I'm taking this chair." " How do you feel about that?" " That's fine by me." " Thank you." " We got through it." "please carry on with your evening." "(MUSIC AND CHATTER RESUME)" "Everybody be quiet, I need silence." "Ooh, here we go." "If we get our way, that's what's gonna be happening from now on." "Our other recommendation is that if you're staying at someone's house and go to the loo in the night, you don't need to flush and risk waking them unless it's a poo, in which case do flush" "but then shout, "It was a poo, it was a poo."" "Thank you." "well, it's been very fine to see you, Great Aunt MarigoId." " I'm having pills with this." " Good." "(MOANS)" " really?" " She's got a TV." "And I've been meaning to fix that broken television for you, Auntie, so we'II show ourselves out." "No, don't get up." "No, don't get up, I won't hear of it." "Don't get up or we'II be back." "Oi!" "(SIR DIGBY HUMS "DEVIL'S GALLOP" BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)" "(sir DlGBY) ln a city gripped by fear on streets greased with blood, who's to look out for the little guy, see if he's got any money?" "Yes, it's the Surprising Adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar." "completely lifelike." "Is that the point?" "The story so far. I've successfully couriered the top secret machinery to its rightful owners at the heart of government." "You must dine at my club sometime." "But now my thoughts inevitably turn to my trusty companion Ginger, who is not so lucky at the hands of our pursuers." " I'm pissing blood again." " You still lost the bloody telly, didn't you?" "I've got the remote, we can melt the batteries down and drink it." "excellent, we can borrow a Bunsen from my old school." " Let's not get electronically tagged again." " Nonsense!" "(SIR DIGBY HUMS "DEVIL'S GALLOP" BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)" "Having infiltrated my old school, how will my nemesis strike next?" "Hoovering up all the gutter change with street sweepers?" "More of those benches you can't lie flat on?" "Find out next week in "The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar"." "I think we've got the makings of crystal meths here, sir." "It's gonna be an Easter weekend to remember." "I can barely taste it now." "Oh, and that's a bad miss." "But luckily for Terry it has run safe so Barry Drebin will now be attempting a safety shot." " (SNOOKER BALLS CLICK)" " Oh, my God, he's fIuked it." "Barry Drebin has fIuked a pot and he's as good as dead." "And isn't it nice to see Barry take time out to apologise to his opponent for his good fortune?" "It's a comprehensive apology, Ted, which is understandable when you look at Terry McCarthy who has gone very still." "Barry continues to apologise and is it just my fancy or is there the trace of a tear in his eye?" "Compassion, perhaps, more likely fear." "Yes, he's dropped his cue and he's on his knees, and this is the kind of thing that can happen when you have such wonderful characters in the game as Terry McCarthy." "He is a fantastic, colourful, big-hearted, big-fisted credit to the sport." "Do you think there's too much wordy stuff?" " What, in the show?" " Yeah." " Don't worry." "That'II all get cut." " really?" "Yeah, I mean, it feels wordy to us but when people watch all they'II remember is this bit next," " the big chicken finale." " Yeah." "That's what people like, isn't it?" "Dancing around, clucking, big polystyrene eggs, jokes about Edwina Currie." "Yeah, spot on, mate." "Yup, this is it coming up right now." "This is the BAFTA." "Yeah, although, you don't think people might..." "That we might have to cut it because of...bird flu?" " What?" " well..." "people might associate chickens with the threatened bird flu epidemic, 'cause apparently you can catch that off chickens." "Oh, God." "And I think..." "I think a young Turkish child actually died the other day, which is very sad." "(SHOUTS) Oh, for fuck's sake, fucking hell." "Why do these fucking things always happen to us?" "Yeah." "Fuck."