"Brian Distel and Brianette Zatapathique there in an improvised scene from Jean Kenneth Longueur's new movie  Le Fromage Grand." "Brian and Brianette symbolize the breakdown in communications in our modern society in this exciting new film." "And Longueur is saying to us, his audience:" ""Go on, protest, do something about it." "Assault the manager." "Demand your money back."" "Later on in the film, in a brilliantly conceived montage Longueur mercilessly exposes the violence underlying our society when Brian and Brianette again meet on yet another rubbish dump." "Pretty strong meat there from Longueur who is saying that ultimately, materialism..." "In this case the Webb's Wonder lettuce." " must destroy us all." "That was for O. Simon, K. Simon, P. Simon and R. Sparrow of Leicester." "Later on, we're going to take a look at John Wayne's latest movie  Buck ets of Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads." "But now, we look ahead." "On Tuesday, Chris Conger took a BBC film unit to the location where 20th Century Vole are shooting their latest epic, Scott of the Antarctic." "Sea, sand and sunshine make Paignton the queen of the English Riviera." "But for the next six months, this sleepy Devonshire resort will be transformed into the blizzard-swept wastes of the South Pole." "For today, shooting starts on the epic, Scott of the Antarctic produced by Gerry Schlick." "Hello." "Gerry, you chose Paignton as the location for Scott." "Right, right." "Isn't it a bit of a drawback that there's no snow here?" "Well, we have 28,000 cubic feet of Wintrex which is a new, white foam rubber which actually, on-screen looks more like snow than snow." "And 1600 cubic U.S. furlongs of white paint with a special snow finish." "And I believe Kirk Vilb is playing the title role." "That is correct." "We were very thrilled and honoured when Kirk agreed to play the part of Lieutenant Scott." "Because a star of his magnitude can pick and choose but he read the title and just flipped." "And directing, we have a very fine young British director James McRettin who's been collaborating on the screenplay, of course." " Jimmy." " Oh, there you are." "Hello." "Hello." "No problem." "Have a drink." "Have a drink." "Great." "Hello." "Marvellous." "Marvellous." "Hello." "Rewrite." "Oh, this is really great." "I mean, it's really saying something, don't you think?" " Have you started shooting yet?" " Yes, yes." "Great." "Perfect." "No, no, we haven't started yet." "No." "But great, great." "What is the first scene that you shoot this morning?" "Great." "Terrific." "Oh, it's great." "No problem." "We'll sort it out on the floor." "No problem." "This film is basically pro-humanity and anti-bad things." "And it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society's gin and tonic and leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony." "Have a drink, have a drink." "But which scene are we shooting first, Jimmy?" "Yes." "Great." "Oh, marvellous." "Which scene are we shooting first?" "Why, it's scene one." "Scene one." "Scene one." "It's in the middle of the movie." "Well, it is now." "I rewrote it." "I thought we cut that." "Didn't we cut...?" " No, we didn't." " We didn't?" "Oh, great." "That's even better." "I'll put it back in." "Rewrite." "Scene one's back in, everyone." "Scene one's back in." "Great, great." "This is the scene that's outside the tent." "It's so bloody marvellous, it makes you wanna throw up." "Now, in this scene, Lieutenant Scott returns to camp in the early morning after walking the huskies, to have brunch with the rest of his team." "Oates, played by your very own lovely Terence Lemming who is an English cockney officer seconded to the U.S. Navy and Bowers, played by Seymour Fortescue the Olympic pole-vaulter." " Hi, lieutenant." " Hi, Oatesy." "Sure is a beautiful day already." "Great, great." "What?" "What are you saying?" "I was just saying "Great, great." Cue Evans." "And this is Vanilla Hoare as Miss Evans." " Miss Evans?" " Right." "Good morning, Miss Evans." "Oh, I've forgotten my line." "What's her line?" "What's her line?" ""Good morning, Captain Scott."" "Oh, yeah." "Good morning, Capt..." "Oh, I'm just not really very happy with that line." "Could I just say, "Hi, Scottie"?" "Great." "Great." "Rewrite." "Cue." "Hi, Scarrie." "Oh, sorry." "Hi, Stocky." "Oh, I'm sorry again." "Oh, Jim, I'm just unhappy with this line." "Hey, can I do it all sort of kooky, like this?" "Hi, Scottie." "Great." "We'll shoot it." " Are you sure that's right?" " Oh, it's great." "Jim." "Jim." "Jim." "Oh, me." "Jim, I feel we may be running into some problems here in the area of height." "Great, where are they?" "Where are who?" "I don't know, I was getting confused." " Jim." " Great." "I feel here that Scott may be too tall in the area of height with reference to Vanilla, who is too near the ground in the area of being too short at this time." "Great." "Oh, I know." "I'm gonna dig a pit for Scott and put a box in Vanilla's trench." "Say, why don't I take the boxes off and Vanilla get up out of the trench?" "Wouldn't work." " It's even better." "Great." "Rewrite." " What was that?" "Oh, it's easy." "I've worked it out." "Scott takes his boxes off, and you don't stand in the trench." "I say my lines out of the trench?" "Even better." "Great." "But I've never acted out of a trench." "I might fall over." "It's dangerous." "Oh, well, could you just try it?" "Look, you crumb-bum, I'm a star." "Star, star, star." "I don't get a million dollars to act out of a trench." "I played Miss John the Baptist in a trench." "And I played Miss Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench." "And I played Miss Alexander Fleming in a furrow." "So if you want this scene played out of a trench well, you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman." "I played Miss Galileo in a groove and I played Mrs. Jesus Christ in a geological syncline." "So don't tell me how to act." "I know how to act." "I know how to act..." "Great." "Great, great, everyone." "Lunch now." "Lunch." "It's all in the can." "Good morning's work." "But you haven't done a shot." "I'm just keeping morale up." "Now this afternoon, we're gonna shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat, onto the ice floe and he sees the lion, and he fights it and he kills it and the blood goes:" "In slow motion." "But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic." " What?" " There aren't any lions in the Antarctic." "You're right." "There are no lions in the Antarctic." "That's ridiculous." "Whoever heard of a lion in the Antarctic?" "Right." "Lose the lion." " Got to keep the lion, it's great." " Lose the lion." "Great." "We're losing the lion." "Rewrite." "Lose the lion, everyone." "That's fantastic." "What's this about losing the lion?" "Well, Kirk, we thought perhaps we might lose the fight with the lion a little bit, Kirk angel." "Why?" "Well, Kirkie doll, there are no lions in the Antarctic, baby." "I get to fight the lion." "It'd be silly." "Listen, I gotta fight the lion." "That's what that guy Scott's all about." "I know." "I studied him already." " But why couldn't you fight a penguin?" " Great." "Fight a rotten little penguin?" "It needn't be a little penguin." "It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen." "An electric penguin, 20 feet high with long, green tentacles that sting people and you can stab it in the wings and the blood can go spurting:" "In slow motion." "The lion is in the contract." "He fights the lion." "Even better." "Great." "Have a drink." "Hey, lose the penguin." "Stand by to shoot." " Where do they have lions?" " Africa." "That's it." "Scott's in Africa." "As many lions as we need." "Great." "Scott's looking for a pole no one else knows about." "That ties in with the sand." "Right." "Paint the sand yellow again." "Okay, let's get this show on the road." "Scott of the Sahara." "Booming out of the pages of history  comes a story of three men and one woman  whose courage shocked a generation." "From the same team that brought you..." "... comes the story of three people and a woman united by fate  who set out in search of the fabled Pole of the Sahara  and found themselves." "See Lieutenant Scott's death-struggle with a crazed desert lion." "See Ensign Oates' frank, adult death-struggle  with the spine-chilling, giant electric penguin." "See Miss Evans pursued by the man-eating roll-top writing desk." "And now for something completely different." "It's..." "Monty Python's Flying Circus." "Hello." "Tired of the sounds of dancing feet?" "Then listen to the sounds of dancing teeth." "Yes, mothers it's time, once again, for Conrad Poohs and his dancing teeth." "Excuse me, I'd like to make a correction." "Conrad is, in fact, holding a letter, not a telegram." "Thank you." "Five pence, please." "Excuse me, I would like to buy a fish licence, please." "The man's sign must be wrong." "I have, in the past, noticed a marked discrepancy between these post-office signs and the activities carried out beneath." "But soft, let us see how Dame Fortune smiles upon my next postal adventure." "Hello, I would like to buy a fish licence, please." " A what?" " A licence for my pet fish, Eric." "How do you know my name is Eric?" "No, no, no." "My fish's name is Eric." "Eric the fish." "He's an halibut." "He's a what?" "He is an halibut." "You've got a pet halibut?" "Yes." "I chose him out of thousands." "Didn't like the others, they were too flat." "You're a loony." "I am not a loony." "Why should I be tarred with the epithet "loony" merely because I have a pet halibut?" "I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon and you wouldn't call Sir Gerald a loony." "Furthermore, Dawn Palethorpe, the lady showjumper had a clam called Sir Stafford, after the late chancellor." "Alan Bullock has two pikes, both called Norman and the late, great Marcel Proust had an haddock." "If you're calling the author of A la recherche du temps perdu a loony I shall have to ask you to step outside." "All right, all right, all right." " You want a licence?" " Yes." " For a fish?" " Yes." "You are a loony." "Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it?" "I've got a licence for my pet dog, Eric and I've got a licence for my pet cat, Eric." " You don't need a licence for a cat." " You bleeding well do, and I got one." "You're not catching me out there." "There's no such thing as a bloody cat licence." "Yes, there is." "No, there isn't." "Is." "Isn't." " Is." " Isn't." " Is." " Isn't." "Is." "Isn't." " Is." " Isn't." " Is!" " Isn't." "What's that, then?" "That is a dog licence with the word "dog" crossed out and the word "cat" written in in crayon." "Well, the man didn't have the proper form." " What man?" " The man from the cat-detector van." "Loony-detector van, you mean." "Look, it's people like you what causes unrest." "All right, what cat-detector van?" "The cat-detector van from the Ministry of Housinge." "Housinge?" "Yes, it was spelt that way on the van." "I'm very observant." "I've never seen so many aerials in my life." "The man told me their equipment could pinpoint a purr at 400 yards." "And Eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake." "How much did this cost?" "Sixty quid, and 8 guineas for the fruit bat." "What fruit bat?" "Eric the fruit bat." " Are all your pets called Eric?" " There's nothing so odd about that." "Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie all called Abdul." "No, he didn't." "Did, he did, he did, he did and did." "There you are:" "Kemal Ataturk:" "The Man by E.W. Swanton with a foreword by Paul Anka." "Page 91, please." "I owe you an apology, sir." "Spoken like a gentleman." "Now, are you gonna give me this fish licence?" "I promise you, there is no such thing." "You don't need one." "Then I would like a statement to that effect signed by the Lord Mayor." "You're in luck." "And now, there is the mayor." "Surely the third-tallest mayor in Derby's history." "And there are the aldermen  magnificently resplendent in their aldermanic hose." "And just look at the power in those thighs." "The New Zealanders are gonna find it tough going  in the set pieces in the second half." "So Dawn Palethorpe with one clear round on Sir Gerald  and now the mayor has reached the great customer, Mr. Eric Praline." "And now, the mayoral human being  takes the mayoral pen in his mayoral hand  watched by the Lady Mayoress  who scored that magnificent try in the first half  signs the fishy exemption." "And the great customer, Mr. Eric Praline  who is understandably awed by the magnificence  and even the absurdity of this great occasion here at Cardiff Arms Park  has finally gone spare." "And there is the going-sparal look on the front of his head." "And now, the aldermen are finishing their oranges  and leaving the post office for the start of the second half." "And here come the Derby Council XV  following the All Blacks out onto the pitch." "In the centre of the pitch, Dawn Palethorpe on Sir Gerald..." "One of the fastest wingers we have seen this season." "On the left, the Lord Mayor's been running such wonderful possession  for Derby Council in the lines-out." "And it's the All Blacks to kick off." "Wilson to kick off." "I can see there, the chairman of the Byways and Highways Committee  who's obviously recovered from that nasty blow he got in the first half." "And Wilson kicks off  and it's..." "Town clerk's taken the ball beautifully there." "The All Blacks are up on it fast, the whistle has gone." "I'm not sure what happened there, but there's a scrumdown." "I think it's an All Blacks' ball." "They were up on them very fast." "They're going to try very hard in this half to wipe out this five-point deficit." "Derby Council, eight points and three up." "Derby Council have got the ball against the head." "There is the borough surveyor, the scrum half is up." "The chairman of the Highway and Byway Committee's kicked for touch." "The line-out..." "And the mayor has got the ball again." "To the borough surveyor." "He's left-out the medical officer of health." "Straight along the line, and the Lady Mayoress is gonna go through." "Number two has missed her." "Only the fullback to beat, and she has scored." "The Lady Mayoress has scored." "It's 11 points to 3." "Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing result for the All Blacks." "Well, they've had very bad luck on the tour so far." "In fact, they missed four very easy kicks against the Exeter Amateur Operatic Society which cost them the match." "And then, of course, there was that crippling defeat at the hands of the Derry  Toms Soft Toy Department." "I don't think they can be fancying their chances against the London Pooves on Saturday." "And what about China?" "Well, whether Mao Zedong is alive or not Lin Biao has a stranglehold on the Central Committee which Lin Shao-Chi can't break so it remains to be seen whether Zhou Enlai can get his finger out and get going in the second half." "Well, thank you, Cliff." "Tonight's other match was the semi-final between the Bournemouth Gynaecologists and the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators." "We bring you edited highlights of the match." "That's it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen." "If you've enjoyed watching just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you."