"( theme music playing )" "that noise you can hear is my wife edith upstairs banging in the spare bedroom with monsieur alphonse the undertaker." "they are-- they are constructing a secret compartment for us to hide in, should the germans ever discover that we are helping the british airmen to escape." "needless to say, the plan to get the airmen away by balloon went wrong." "the ropes of the balloon became accidentally entangled in the bed containing my wife's mother, and her toy pensioner husband, monsieur leclerc." "they were last seen floating at 500 feet due south." "edith is, of course, very upset by all this." "fortunately, i am made of stronger stuff, and am managing to contain my grief." "the secret compartment is finished." "good. i was beginning to think i had a severe case of dandruff." "monsieur alphonse is a dab hand at doing it himself." "i'm sure he is." "it's all those years making coffins." "but i shall sleep more soundly now, knowing that should the end come, we will be safe in our secret compartment, just the two of us." "the-- the three of us." "you will have to slim a bit." "monsieur alphonse, what a comfort it is to have such loyal friends." "oh, do not mention it, madame edith." "next week, i will send you the bill for the wood, and the screws." "rene, is there any news of mamma?" "i'm afraid not." "i am so worried about her." "to think of her floating up there in bed suspended under a balloon." "she's probably fast asleep, floating along quite safely." "oh, what a comfort your words are." "there is always a chance she will forget where she is and decide to go to the bathroom." "rene!" "listen very carefully, i shall gasp this only once." "i have bad news." "monsieur leclerc and madame fanny have been shot down over abbeville." "oh no!" "are you sure it was them?" "how many old couples are floating around france in a bed?" "perhaps the springs of the mattress have cushioned the landing." "there were no springs in the mattress." "oh, we must say a prayer for them." "oh, all right." "dear lord, if you have a moment, please watch over my wife's mother and monsieur leclerc." "and if possible, make sure we get the bed back." "amen." "( engine noise ) what was that?" "there's a motorbike and a sidecar." "it's madame fanny and monsieur leclerc!" "oh!" "oh, mamma, thank heaven you are safe." "but what happened?" "the balloon was hit by a shrapnel but we landed in a haystack." "it was ernest who saved the day." "he deserves a hero's reward." "do not tell me you have brought the bed back?" "no." "he stole a motorbike and we drove like the wind." "my god, did anybody see you?" "only the germans who shot at us when we smashed through the roadblock." "i am revitalized, i demand that we sign on for active service in the resistance." "you silly old fools, you'll have half the german army coming here." "oh my god, they are here already." "they must not find me here." "i will disappear down the back passage." "i've just suddenly remembered an urgent appointment, with a stiff." "rene, we must deny knowing anything about the motorbike." "the wanted motorbike outside was seen entering the town doing a wheelie." "who is the driver?" "we will not talk." "then you are all under arrest." "but we do not even know these people." "silence!" "take them away." "and to think i paid for the wedding." "( snoring )" "( knocking ) what is it, helga?" "can't you see we're busy?" "there are some prisoners outside, colonel." "oh, all right." "bring them in." "bring in the prisoners!" "left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right." "halt!" "get out!" "i'm sure there has been some mistake." "be quiet!" "i warn you, rene, i am not in a good mood." "we're doing very badly on the russian front." "oh, i am sorry to hear that." "madame fanny and monsieur leclerc are charged with assaulting a german officer, stealing a motorbike, failure to stop at a roadblock, and flying a bed attached to a balloon in a military airspace." "these are serious charges." "what have you to say for yourselves?" "you are a fat pig." "please note that i do not wish to be associated with any personal opinions of my wife's mother." "we quite understand." "now, madame fanny, perhaps you could explain." "germans," " i spit on you!" " ( spits ) shut up, you silly old bat." "you will get us all shot." "do something, she is your wife." "i hardly know the woman." "in view of the seriousness of these offenses, i have to send you to jail for at least seven days." "but colonel, they are very old." "and they were on their honeymoon." "make it 14 days." "to be on the safe side, make it 21." "so much for nazi justice." "30 days!" "are you going to try for life?" "please, my mother-in-law is an old lady." "she has moments of insanity, it runs in the family." "the balloon was an accident." "and assaulting the sentry?" "and stealing a motorbike?" "and riding full speed through roadblocks?" "how do you explain that?" "she had left a cake in the oven." "please, colonel, be merciful." "yes, perhaps we could show the magnanimity of the conqueror." "you are right, gruber, but i must make an example." "guard!" "take those people to the police station." "make sure they get a comfortable cell." "long live france!" "down with hitler!" "she did not mean that." "i can send you there, as well." "they will be more comfortable on their own, thank you, colonel." "look on the bright side, there is very little difference between being married and being in the nick." "colonel:" "shut the door!" "sorry, sorry." "hell what's-his-name." "you sent for me, herr flick?" "yes, helga." "my spies inform me that the old lady from the cafe and her geriatric husband have been jailed for flying an unlicensed bed in military airspace." "your spies work quickly, i was just about to tell you this." "i suspect that the airborne bed has something to do with the british airmen." "we must therefore interrogate the two flying pensioners." "but how?" "they have been taken to jail." "i'm aware of this, and have therefore instructed von smallhausen to disguise himself as a common criminal." "he will commit a crime, get himself locked up in the same cell as the old couple, and ingratiate himself with them." "reveal yourself, von smallhausen." "( spits ) why do you spit, von smallhausen?" "i am getting into the part, herr flick." "do not do it again, i have just had the floor polished." "what crime will this very common looking criminal commit, herr flick?" "it is not yet decided." "could he not climb into the colonel's office and steal the petty cash?" "that is a good idea." "my dazzling brilliance is obviously rubbing off on you." "as a reward, you may kiss me." "enough!" "i must not spoil you." "do i get a kiss too?" "von smallhausen, you are not raffles." "you are a common criminal, and if i may say so, rather uppity." "i have odors to lick you up, but i am potting you in a good sill." "what did he say, ernest?" "i have no idea." "i think he is drunk." "i am not drink, i am just doing my dirty." "now make yourselves comfy, and i will bring you a nice pot of two." "oh." "he means a pot of tea." "oh, what a relief." "i do not like being banged up like this at my age." "we must get out of here." "we could dig a tunnel like the count of monte cristo." "it took him 20 years." "i would be 104 by the time we get out." "you will still look the same to me." "i thought you were once one of the best cracksmen in france." "a long time ago." "take this hairpin and try your luck with the lock." "ah." "where is it?" "give it to me." "( clears throat ) monsieur leclerc, you are not supposed to leave your sill." "you will get me into tribble." "well, in that case, could we have coffee instead of tea, and perhaps a sandwich?" "crib meat, simmon or sardune?" "oh, just a biscuit will do." "general von flockenstuffen, iron cross 1st class." "holder of the distinguished order of the silver eagle, and member of the berchtesgaden ramblers." "hell hitler." "hell hitler." "hell mussolini." "mussolini, he still no go too good, eh?" "i have come to inform you that since von klinkerhoffen seems to be having a nervous breakdown, i will be taking charge of the garrison until he is fit to return." "we all wish him a speedy recovery." "and may i say, general, that it will be an honor to serve under you." "it is noted." "so, now that i'm in charge, colonel, there are urgent priorities for us to discuss." "like recapturing the escaped british airmen." "that is high on my list, of course, but first-- i think we should redecorate this room." "that carpet is a disgrace, and as for the color of the walls-- unspeakable!" "how could you live with these paintings?" "it has not been easy." "i admit they do get up my nose." "come, gruber, perhaps we could stroll around, and see what is worth keeping." "i'll take notes." "yes. you see, this will have to go of course." "naturally." "what would you put in its place, lieutenant?" "a still life, perhaps, or one of the impressionists." "good idea." "huh?" "perhaps i could persuade marshal goering to lend us a monet." "you no get him to lend you the money." "i hear he's very tightfisted with the cash." "peasant." "captain bertorelli, maybe you'd just pour us a drink and leave us to discuss the paintings!" "you know, hubert, i'm surprised you're still only a lieutenant." "i've been looking at your war record." "it's most impressive." "thank you, general." "yes, i had not realized that you spent 10 days under fire at the russian front, trapped in a foxhole with nine stormtroopers." "that must have been hell." "i'm still trying to forget it." "well, i wish i had been with you." "it would have been nice to be in on the action for a change." "do i take notes of this?" "certainly not!" "general." "take a note, private, crystal glasses." "one cannot drink cognac out of rubbish like this." "they were given to me by my mother." "oh really?" "did she give you the decanter as well?" "no." "i thought not, it looks quite good." "( laughing ) ah, rubens?" "not an original of course." "well, i spotted that." "no, the original had a famous title." "i'm trying to recall it." "i got it." ""look, mama, i've been at the pasta again."" "barbarian!" "lieutenant, i think it's best if we continue this discussion elsewhere." "i'm just off to see poor old klinkerhoffen." "will you accompany me?" "i shall drive you in my little tank." "i'm sure that will be fun." "oh, by the way, colonel, i see from my daily reports that you have jailed an old man and a woman today." "well, it's a very serious offense to fly around in a bedstead, general." "nonsense." "such actions will make us extremely unpopular." "one night in jail will be enough." "i want them released at dawn, hmm?" "come, hubert." "who does that jumped up interior decorator think he is?" "coming in here and taking over like that." "i agree." "and lieutenant gruber is being very crawly." "that word had crossed my mind." "i shall be glad when von klinkerhoffen is well enough to return." "shall i remove the paintings?" "no, leave it alone." "that's right, this is your office." "if you want the rubbish on the wall, you have the rubbish on the wall." "what about the carpet?" "leave the carpet!" "and when i return i want the paintings removed, and a new carpet in place." "and let gruber choose, something with pink, perhaps?" "i had the same thought." "i'm not surprised." "see to it, colonel." "of course, general." "just as i thought." "all mouth and no trousers." "get out!" "and whilst you're out, why don't you kill a chicken, and get your hat restuffed?" "good idea." " i'll go and chase a bird or two." " ooh!" "ciao!" "your soup, herr general." "how am i supposed to drink it?" "through this straw." "hello?" "hello, operator?" "get me berlin at once." "operator:" "i'll give you a line, and you can dial the number yourself." "you incompetent idiot, come back!" "i think the general may be well enough to come out for a period of convalescence." "what is your name, rank and number?" "talk to me." "if you do not reply, i will have you court-martialed." "he's talking to the fruit." "on second thoughts, i think we'll keep him in for the time being." "is there anyone there?" "hello?" "hello?" "fish soup will make a nice change on the menu." "it still does not smell very fishy." "we will add some of this seaweed." "that will give it a bit of body." "oh, this wartime rationing." "get me the leftovers from lunch." "yes. we will have to throw in a tin of sardines to fill it out a bit." "how we ever got three stars in the michelin guide i cannot imagine." "( knocking ) see who that is, will you?" "it is michelle of the resistance." "are you alone?" "apart from you, yvette, and a couple of dead fish, yes, i am alone." "then listen very carefully." "i have a new plan to get the british airmen back to england." "oh, what a surprise." "we are going to ask london for a light aircraft, which will land at night guided by the headlights of my resistance girls' bicycles." "unfortunately, we are short of batteries for the cycle lamps at the moment but we are only in the planning stage." "i will not hold my breath." "i will go along with anything, as long as it gets the two airmen out of my house." "don't worry, it cannot fail." "by the way, where are the airmen?" " hello." " hello." "hello, chaps, everything tickety-boo?" "bang on." "i must say, we're damn glad to be out of those bridesmaids' dresses." "why?" "were they uncomfortable?" "crepe de chine brings me out in a rash." "oh, never mind." "we'll soon have you out of there." "good show." "i say, that soup smells good." "they are hungry." "this is for customers only." "it does smell good." "but it tastes awful." "michelle, one thing a frenchmen cannot stand is to have somebody insulting his bouillabaisse." "out." "don't worry." "i'm going." "o-o-oh, rene, i love it when you're so masterful." "hold me, see how my lips quiver in anticipation?" "mine, too." "oh, yvette." "oh!" "wouldn't it be nice if we could escape to england in that airplane, instead of the british airmen?" " if only we could." " rene, kiss me as you've never kissed me before." "that will not be easy." "rene!" "what are you doing holding that servant girl in your arms?" "you stupid woman!" "can you not see that this poor child has got a fish bone stuck in her throat, from tasting the soup?" "i was trying to get it out." "here, yvette, take a chunk of this bread." "it will help, then go and lie down." "here, open wide." "there, quick." "now do as he says." "how thoughtless i am." "did you want something?" "i have come to a decision, we must get mamma and monsieur leclerc out of jail." "do not be silly, edith." "mamma is not well." "how will she endure the hardships of prison life?" "the isolation, the damp, the lack of gin?" "she is only in the local nick, she has not been sent to devil's island." "not yet, anyway." "this is so ignominious." "a couple of days with your mother, and the germans will send her on parole." "no, we must get them out." "i have thought of a plan." "i do not want to hear it." "we must break them out of jail, and smuggle them into spain." "well, that does have its merits." "pass the salt." "then you will help?" "well, no, i did not exactly say that." "i have got the bouillabaisse to finish." "it is my own secret recipe, which everybody talks about." "you coward, i will do it myself." "edith!" "now everyone will talk about your secret recipe even more." "you have ruined it, you stupid woman." "it is all the fault of those damned airmen." "was that the dinner gong?" "if it was, i think we're eating outside." "psst!" "i have come to commit the crime." "but it's broad daylight." "why do you not come at night, like a normal burglar?" "the gestapo do not pay overtime." "very well, in you go." "i will give you about one minute, and then i will come in and catch you red-handed." "oh, captain bertorelli, what a surprise." "i kiss your hand, you beautiful lady." "i bring you these flowers." "oh, captain, they're lovely." "where did you get them?" "i kiss the flower seller." "she give me the flowers before she faint." "maybe you should cut down on the garlic." "you always make the joke." "( thud; metal clanging ) what's that?" "i didn't hear anything." "( loud thud ) me, i investigate." "it's a burglar." "no!" "yes." "i catch him the red hands." "it is a fair cop." "i have been done bang to rights." "oh, well done, captain bertorelli." "i will telephone the police." "they will take him off to jail." "what for?" "the jail, they mean nothing to these people." "inside they only learn the bad ways." "i handle this my way." "turn around." "bend over." "touch your toes." "he not take much." "it is the colonel's petty cash." "he must go to jail." "he's only the small-fry." "we should give him a break." "i am a dangerous criminal." "i must be punished." "rubbish." "come, i give you the bum's rush." "aarghh!" "come back when you're bigger." "that's the way to handle them." "why do you always have to interfere?" "because i've got more important things to do." "how about you and me, sitting in the back row of the pictures, for a bit of the slap and the tickle?" "oooh." "why wait until then?" "what a mistake to make." "( knocking )" " argh!" " oooh!" "rene, it is you." "what risks you take to be with me." "less of a risk than usual." "i found this note on edith's pillow." "edith's voice:" ""dear cowardly husband, i have gone with mimi to rescue mamma." "if i do not come back, think well of me, edith." "kiss. kiss. kiss."" "the idiot, she will get us all shot." "listen, someone is coming up the stairs." "oh my god." "it is the germans." "they have monsieur leclerc and madame fanny." "it must mean they have made them talk." "we are done for." "we have bust them out!" "we used a forged document, then the idiot, crabtree, let them go." "now you have done it." "the germans will be after them." "we will hide them." "they will look everywhere." "we will use the secret compartment in the spare bedroom." "come." "now, mamma, you get into bed with monsieur leclerc." "all i wanted was a quiet honeymoon." "what kind of a secret hiding place is this?" "the germans are bound to look in the bed." "now, mamma, turn the bedknob at the top to the left." "what does it do?" "i have no time to explain." "do it!" "both:" "aarghh!" "oh my god!" "it looked like two bats, hibernating." "rene, lieutenant gruber has just entered the cafe." "he's coming upstairs." "you could not even lock the door?" "he must be searching for them." " quick, into the wardrobe." " why?" "you are both dressed as german soldiers." "oh, i had forgotten." "the strain of this war." "come." "( gasps )" " rene?" " door, door." " rene, it's only me." " in here, lieutenant." "i have come to give you some good news, rene." "your mother-in-law and monsieur leclerc have been pardoned." "they are being released about now." "( banging ) what is that strange noise?" "we hear it every morning." "it is the, uh... restless spirit of my poor dead brother, the one you shot." "do not remind me." "how long has this-- ghastly phenomenon been going on?" "for weeks." "i was just trying to exorcise it." "excuse me." "tu dominos benedictine, benedecos spiritus scarpos." "( knocking ) i think i am getting to it." "rene, i... do not think my conscience can stand it." "quick, yvette, take the lieutenant downstairs." "give him a brandy, on the house." "( knocking; screaming ) on second thought, i think i will return to my quarters." "go now, before it comes through the wall." "if it does, do not tell it where i live." "you heard that?" "your mother and monsieur leclerc have been pardoned." "this was all a waste of time." "now how do we get this bed down?" "it can only be done from the inside, by turning the knob the other way." "then why do they not turn it?" "perhaps because the knob has fallen off, when the bed sprang up." "wonderful." "so much for do-it-yourself hiding places." "where are you going?" "to have a drink and then to bed." "what about mamma and monsieur leclerc?" "he wanted a quiet honeymoon, now he can have one." "( theme music playing )"