"A Leela of Her Own" "Put down the binoculars." "The wall of that strip club isn't gonna collapse twice in one day." "I know." "I accept that." "Now I'm interested in that new pizza parlor." "Makes me pine for my days as a delivery boy. "Here's your pizza," I'd say." ""I didn't order any," they'd say." "Then off to my next adventure." "That story stunk." "Hand me the binoculars." "The owner is from Signas-Five." "Signoids?" "On our block?" "They should go back where they came from." "Society's never gonna make progress until we learn to pretend to like each other." "Let's make these hideous strangers feel welcome." "No." "You sure about these chairs?" "Guidebook says human legs bend down at knee." "It's okay, Mama." "Anyone complains, I bend legs up for free." "Customers." "Welcome to Earth Pizza Store." "Here, sit." "I bend the knees for you." "That's comfy." "What kind of pizza goes in you?" "Silt?" "Asbestos?" "We got guano, very fresh." "Have any food?" "Here, try a deep-dish pizza." "Contains four kinds of things." " This tastes like vomit." " Thank you." "Actually, I mean to offend a little." "This is awful." "What's wrong?" "Was it something Leela said?" "We come to Earth to start new life, raise fat, spoiled Earth kids hang many underwear from Earth clothesline, live Earthican dream." "Don't cry, foreign people." "I used to work in a pizzeria." "As soon as I stop blasting puke I'm gonna teach you to sell pizza." " Thank you, magic biped." "You save us, sir." "If we cannot make Earth Pizza, our dream will die." "Just like rats we crushed to make the wine." "For starters, use quality ingredients." "Case in point?" "No more live bees." "When you put pizzas in the oven, don't get in with them." "Hey, ocupado." "Most important of all is the big-screen TV." "Families need a TV so they don't have to talk to each other." "The Earthican pastime." "Blernsball." "Mulligan drives the ball." "It's going, going and caught by the shortstop." "Mets lose again." "I haven 't seen play this bad since the days of Bob Uecker." "This is Bob Uecker saying thanks for watching." "Mets?" "Shortstop?" "Pinching the hitter?" "I don't understand this Blernsball." "We'll teach you." "Your pizzeria will play a game against Planet Express." " But you'll need nine players." " No problem." "Play the ball." "Go, team." "Beat those no-good Signoids." "Show them they stink in a game they've never played." "This is why I love Earth." "Beautiful star-brightened day, friendly Blernsball game with chum pals." "So pleasant for everybody." "Hit by a pitch." "Take your base." "Sorry about that." "I guess I needed a few more warm-up pitches." "No batter, no batter." " No batter anymore." " Take your base." "I didn't mean to hit you." "I have trouble with depth perception." "Yeah." "Me too, now." "Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter." "Hey, duck." "Take your base." "Please, I want to live." " Can I use bat to protect head?" " Apparently not." "Check out the one-eyed bean machine." "Hooray, I make a score point." "You beaned a run in." "Better let me pitch." "But I've got a no-hitter going." "You're right." "Here." "Don't take her out." "She's a firecracker." " I'd like to talk to you." " Am I under arrest?" "You're the sleaze bag who owns the Ultimate Robot Fighting League." "Now I'm the sleaze bag who owns the New New York Mets." "The Mets?" "Those bums are worse than me." "But they don't draw a crowd like you." "Which is why I want to sign you." "You mean, I'd be the first woman ever to play major league blernsball?" "It'd be a publicity stunt." "A one-eyed lady might bring out the freak show crowd." "Wow, the first woman ever to play major league blernsball." " Again, yeah." "But you'd just be..." " Yippee!" "The first woman ever to play major league blernsball." "How do I look?" " Like a sexy Yogi Berra." " Why is your number 7 /8?" "The whole numbers have been retired." "I'm impressed." "You look just like a ball player." " Can I pat you on the butt?" " I'm a professional athlete." "So go ahead." "Now I'm too nervous." "The Swedes have already turned this one into a "laffer"." "And that's with two "F's." The crowd is pouring out L.A. -style." "Skipper, we're losing the crowd." "Put in our new novelty act, Leela." "I already put in the circus clown." "But he bunted." "Clowns are only funny when they swing away." "Your attention please." "Now pitching for the Mets, Turanga Leela." "A one-eyed woman." "Come on, throw like a girl." " Go, Leela." " Too much eyeliner." "This is history in the making." "Bjornson steps up to the plate, and Leela delivers." "Bull's-eye." "An inauspicious start for the career of the first woman blernsballer." "An inauspicious continuation for the career of the first woman blernsballer." "Bean!" "Bean!" "Bean!" "Bean!" "Bean..." "It's a three-bean, ball salad." "The Mets fans love it, though." "They haven't had much to cheer about this year." "That was great." "You got more publicity than a cowboy in a shark tank." "Poor Tex." "He was quite a shark." " Hey!" " Come on!" " I win." " Sorry." " How did you get in here?" " As your agent, I have access." " Since when are you my agent?" " Quiet!" "Call coming in." "Yes?" "A big endorsement deal for Leela?" "How much?" "You put a one and two zeros in front of that, or we pass." "Deal." " That's great." "How much did you get me?" " One hundred dollars!" "As a pitcher, I serve up plenty of bean balls." "So I know good beans when I see them." " Bean-Bay Beans!" "They're the beaniest!" " Cut!" "Bean!" "Bean!" "Bean!" "In short order, Leela has become a fan favorite." "You're the best, babe." "Hang on." "You put a one and two zeros in front of that, or we pass." "Deal." " So, what did you get me?" " A thousand and one pesos." "Cut." "Now do one with the bean suit on." "Leela bringing in customers." "This keep up, we need to buy second sauce toilet." "I want to injure men by throwing stuff at them, just like you." "Will you sign?" "Sure thing, sweetie." "Who should I make it out to?" "To eBay?" "That's a popular name today." "Little "E," big "B"?" "Five bucks an autograph, 200 fans, add a one and two zeros, we got a wad." "I'm doing it for all the female athletes who need a role model." " A role model for how to stink." " What?" "Who are you?" "Jackie Anderson." "I'm on the team at NNYU." "I was hoping to play in the majors." "Following in my footsteps." "God forbid!" "Your freak show is making it impossible for female players to be taken seriously." "I hope you're proud of yourself." "Show's over, no refunds." "You heard the robot." "Get out!" "Fans haven't been cheering for me." "They've been cheering at me." "Don't be upset, Leela." "You look really cute in your uniform." "That's what makes it so sad!" "I thought I was doing something heroic!" "You are!" "What about that little girl you visited in the hospital who died?" "You're right." "I can't let people down anymore." "God's my witness, I vow to earn the respect of girls and women everywhere!" "I will become the best blernsball player of all time!" "That's statistically impossible." "In 77 innings, you haven't gotten one out." "At this rate, you'll be the worst player of all time." "Then I have a new vow." "I solemnly swear I will become not the worst blernsball player of all time!" "Look!" "The players who broke the various color barriers!" "When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?" "If I could be just a little better than him, I can hold my head high." "He once struck out when his tongue got stuck to a cold bat." " He tried to catch with an oven mitt!" " It's a crummy hologram." "I'm not a hologram." "Hank Aaron the 24th." "How could you play so badly?" "The original Hank Aaron was great!" "I was better than great." " I was the home run king." " Neat!" "So, Hank, the bad Hank, just how bad were you?" "My batting average was low." "Low?" "It was zero!" "You went your whole career without getting a hit." "Leela beats that." "She pitched without ever getting an out!" "You stink!" "Junior, she belongs in the exhibit instead of you!" "Forget it!" "This job's too cushy to give up." " Wade Boggs, goes down smooth." " I don't want to be in this exhibit." "I need your help, so I can be one tiny iota less pathetic than you." "I can't help you play better than Tiny lota." "He was great!" "But I'll teach you all I know." " Okay, let's see what you can do." " She can lodge a ball in your brain." "You better get a batting helmet." "All right, low and away." "Okay, try it again." "But this time, keep your eye off the ball." "You mean on the ball?" " Who's in the hall of fame?" " You're holding the bat upside down." " Just pitch the ball!" " Okay, eye off the ball." " Strike!" " Man, you did it, Leela!" "I didn't hit the batter!" "I was pitching and not just belly-itching!" "Oh, you got that too?" "I think there's a rash going around." "Welcome to Fenway where the Mets end a season that ranks among the worst." "You opened a franchise!" "Yes." "Our biggest seller is Leela's Bean Pizza!" "Six kinds of beans plus things that look like beans." "Beans, huh?" "This is great!" "How do you make the crust so fizzy?" "Ancient Signoid secret." "My husband, some hotshot." "Here's his ancient Signoid secret." "Live hornets." "We smoosh them right into dough." " I don't care if it's horse manure." " That's good." "I want to buy this franchise." "How's $ 1 00,000?" "No!" "We come to Earth to make pizza, not money!" " No, Blek!" "Other way around." " Right." "Offer accepted!" "Fans, Boston's turning the last game into a real "squeeeker"." "And that's with three "E's"!" "Two men on, and they're down to their last out." "It's my last chance to prove I'm not the worst player ever." " Put me in." " No!" "We're actually winning this game!" "You only go in as a joke when we're eight runs behind!" "Come on!" "Let's see some fundamentals out there!" "And not clown fundamentals!" "Darn!" "Darn!" "Darn!" "Now the bases are loaded!" "Isn't there a man who can get one more out?" "!" " I can!" " I repeat." "Isn't there a man on..." " I've been training with Hank Aaron!" " The Hank Aaron?" " I've trained with a Hank Aaron." " All right then get in there and pitch like you've never pitched like you before!" "Now pitching for the Mets, Turanga Leela!" " Bean!" "Bean!" "Bean!" " Go, Leela!" "Go!" " Go, Leela!" " Put it down the pike!" "Strike him out!" "Do it for the hundreds of women everywhere!" "Your attention!" "Now pinch-hitting for the Poindexters, Jackie Anderson!" "Look!" "College blernsball's finest female hitter making her debut against the worst female anything." "I've never seen anything this weird and I've seen Mr. Belvedere naked!" "Keep cool." "She's like any other player." "She puts on her sports bra one arm at a time." "Strike one!" "Strike one!" "A personal best!" "Strike two!" "This moment is brought to you by Month Old Franks the hot dogs with experience!" "A grand slam blern!" "The Mets lose!" "Their season is over!" "Leela, the first woman ever to reach the majors will go down as the worst player in the history of blernsball." "She's taught the world that being a bum knows no gender." "Tonight we've seen the start of a great career for the first woman to play the sport well, Jackie Anderson!" " Leela?" " Jackie." "I guess you were right I'm a lousy role model." "I'm sorry." " No, don't be." " You were an inspiration after all." " I was?" "You were so awful that women set out to prove they don't stink as bad as you." "That's so kind of you." "I guess I made a difference after all." "You absolutely did, Leela." "Now please please retire." "Immediately." "Hey, kid!" "Catch." "You're still the worst football player of all time." "Yeah." "Yeah."