"(BARKING)" "LURCIO:" "Oh, shut up." "Shut up, you old dog." "Would you please?" "Get down." "Get out of it." "Keep your silly old kennel." "Remember, it was my home before you came here." "Now, get out of it." "You old silly little barker." "(FURIOUS BARK)" "Now, nice silly little barker, there we are." "Oh dear, damn thing, that dog." "Oh, dear." "Well, the trouble is, you see..." "Well, excuse me, you're here." "I didn't expect you so soon." "Would you mind if I finished my meal?" "You don't mind if I just finish, do you, before we get on with the thing?" "I'll tell you why." "Because being a slave, you see," "I'm not allowed to eat with the rest of the household." "Not." "Oh, I'm not allowed to eat with this lot." "Oh, no, no, they're very fussy, very snobbish." "They leave two bowls out, one for me, one for the dog, you see." "That's what they do." "So I'll just finish..." "Dear." "Oh, dear." "That damn dog." "It's not what you think." "Just a minute." "The third time it's switched bowls on me this week." "Well, I'm not eating that, I'll tell you." "I don't care if it's full of good, nourishing marrowbone jelly, I'm not eating it." "Well, let's get on with this prologue." "Right, the prologue?" "Greetings, good citizens." "The prologue." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Our story this week... (IN NORMAL VOICE) Did I go high then?" "It's this cold bench, isn't it?" "There we are." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Our story..." "(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, that's better." "Our story this week concerns Icarus." "Icarus." "Now, Icarus, as you know, was the first man to attempt flight." "Flight." "Now, he had the wont, often, he had the wont, wait a minute, of laying there in the sun, head, you know, with his head like that, arms under his head, looking, looking, and he..." "In the sun, on his back, studying the birds." "And, um, yes." "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." "And you see, try..." "But he couldn't find the secret of flight." "But one day he was lying there, arms akimbo, looking up in the air, and a little bird was flying overhead." "And suddenly it hit him." "So..." "So he rushed out and he made a pair of wings for his arms, you see." "Took the... (MUMBLING) I'll do that again." "So he rushed out, put a pair... (MUMBLING) Oh God, help us." "The pills are wearing off already." "So he rushed out, so he rushed out, he built a pair of wings for his arms, took the clause out of his contract, and stuck a couple of fingers up his..." "Wait a minute." "Up his jumper." "Woe, woe, woe." "You took the words right out of my mouth." "Woe, woe." "Oh, dear." "What's the matter?" "Now, this is the soothsayer." "Senna, the soothsayer." "I, the soothsayer Senna, wish to augur something." "Well, you better hurry up, dear." "They just called last augurs." "For three days and nights I have been on the sacred mountain." "The sacred mountain?" "And there, at the shrine of the oracle," "I looked into the entrails of a sheep and saw a terrible thing." "Oh, dear, well you should have called the manager, dear, and sent it back." "Funny." "Yes, well, I mean the service around here is really offal." "All right, then, all right." "What do you expect, wit?" "This is the corniest show in the business, you should know that by now." "What?" "It was a warning." "There was a slave, a stranger called Spartacus, in the land." "Spartacus?" "And he will free all the slaves." "Free the slaves?" "I don't believe it." "If I lie, may I be stoned." "Oh, you are stoned, dear." "Out of your mind, you must be." "There will be great bloodshed." "Bloodshed?" "The slaves will become the masters," "and the masters, the slaves." "Slaves the masters, masters..." "I never heard such rubbish." "Oh, woe, woe, woe!" "There we are." "That was Senna." "What a moving performance." ""The slaves will become the masters, the masters the slaves."" "What a load of old rubbish!" "Yes, Lurcio?" "Oh, not you, master, no, no." "What was old Senna saying?" "Oh, she's a silly woman." "She was saying something about a slave rising, er, er, Spartacus." "Oh, no, no, it's not so silly, Lurcio!" "Isn't it?" "No." "In fact, we down at the Senate are very worried." "Are you?" "No wonder you've got the wind up." "Spartacus." "Now, Spartacus really exists?" "Yes." "The other day he was reported down at the marketplace stirring up trouble." "Was he?" "Yes." "And when the centurions arrived, he wasn't there." "Well, he wasn't there again today?" "How I wish he'd go away." "If anyone has any suggestions as to improving this script, will they put them on a postcard, please, and send them to this address?" "The Forum, Mile Endus Road," "Pompeii, Isle of Wight." "But Lurcio, Lurcio, the most terrible thing is that my own son Nausius has got mixed up with the cause." "Well, let's face it, master, he always has been a bit mixed up, hasn't he?" "When you see him you must warn him that the Senate has just passed a new law that anyone found preaching revolt will be thrown into jail, flogged, hung, drawn and quartered, boiled in oil and thrown to the lions." "Yes, master." "Is that all?" "I think it's enough, don't you?" "Well, after all, we're not barbarians, are we?" "Yes, master." "Silly old fool." "Well, he is." "He's past it." "I mean, it's so silly." "Mind you, I must say this, actually, that is a very lenient punishment, really, for here, you know." "'Cause in the old days, they used to fine them." "Oh yes, in the old days." "I remember a dear old slave friend of mine..." "You've got a minute, haven't you?" "You sure?" "Yes?" "Ah." "This..." "No." "Well, listen a minute, please." "No, don't." "Listen." "Now, this old slave friend of mine called his master a four-letter word." "He did." "My life, he did." "He called his master a four-letter word." "And he went up to him, he said, "You are a four-letter word."" "And 'cause unfortunately my master only knew one four-letter word, which wasn't surprising, really, 'cause he was one." "But the thing was, he had my slave friend hauled off to a court." "Yes." "And they gave him a suspended sentence." "They hung him." "So ever since then I don't get mixed up in slave risings." "Oh, no." "Oh, no. "Keep quiet," I say to meself," ""Keep quiet," I say, and look after numero unus." "Hear now the wise words of Plautus." "It is a well-known fact that most Roman citizens lived by the old and worn axiom, non vexato tibi racus sum ego bonum." "Which, translated rudely into the vernacular, would mean," ""I fret not unduly over your circumstances, oh, Jack." "I in a good position is."" "That's what I said, you silly old four-letter word." "That's what I said." "To think he gets good money for writing that rubbish." "I don't know." "Well, let's get on with the prologue now, shall we?" "Yes." "(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) And it came..." "Me flap keeps getting up, you see." "There's a draught round here." "And it came to pass... (HISSING)" "Someone leaking?" "Psst!" "Oh, it's you, mistress." "She's hissed again." "We've got a real common lot here tonight, I'll tell you." "AMMONIA:" "Lurcio." "Yes, mistress?" "(WHISPERING) Lurcio." "Has my husband gone yet?" "Yes, mistress, he's gone." "Good." "Then come up to my bedroom." "Bedroom?" "Yes, quickly." "Oooh!" "They don't waste any time, do they?" "Oh, but it's not right, is it?" "I mean, not so soon after eating." "Is it?" "Well, it's like swimming." "You can't do it after a heavy meal, can you?" "Well, I mean, at least not energetically." "I mean, you can..." "Perhaps a bit of the breast stroke." "I mean, you can't." "You can't." "Listen." "(BARKING)" "LURCIO:" "Get down, dog!" "(SCREAMS)" "Oh dear." "Oh, that dog, it is a monster, it really is." "Look what it's done." "Look." "Shh." "Lurcio, please." "Never mind "shh," mistress." "Six inches closer, I could have lost me temper." "Oh, quiet, Lurcio, please." "Well, what's the matter, mistress?" "Under the bed." "Pardon?" "Under the bed!" "Oh, don't forget..." "Oh, dear, I didn't forget to put one there again, did I?" "I'm sorry." "Oh, no, Lurcio." "Lurcio, are you sure there's no one in the house?" "No, mistress, there's no one in the house." "Oh, good." "You can come out now." "Good gracious!" "Under the bed as well!" "This must be old Jerry." "Thank you, Lady." "I shan't forget what you've done." "Oh, nor I." "Nor I, mistress." "Good gracious." "I'm surprised at you." "I mean, in broad daylight, in your own room." "And in your riding boots." "Oh, pray don't misunderstand, Lurcio." "He's not my lover, I'm afraid." "Oh." "No, it's you he's after." "Pardon?" "Lady, would you leave us alone?" "Certainly." "Yes..." "Now, then." "Let's get down to it." "Yeah, excuse me." "Um..." "Look, I must go and do the prologue, if you'll excuse me..." "Wait." "You don't know who I am." "Yeah, well, it's not who you are that worries me." "It's what you are." "Excuse me." "They call me Spartacus." "Spartacus?" "Ah, I see that rings a bell." "Yes." "And talking of ringing a bell, I could use a tinkle." "Excuse me." "Stay where you are." "(EXCLAIMING)" "Listen, who made your suit?" "I should take that back." "There's a sleeve missing." "Enough!" "I am going to lead a revolt and I need your support." "Oh, I'm sorry, sir." "I haven't got a support." "But you can borrow one of my master's old trusses if you like." "Enough of that!" "If this revolt is to be successful," "I need the backing of every slave for the fight ahead." "Oh, you'll find me very reliable, sir." "Show me a fight ahead, and I'll start backing." "Away." "You would not fight for your freedom?" "What are you?" "Man or mouse?" "Pass the cheese, please." "Forget it." "I won't force any man to act like a man, any more than I would force any woman to act like a woman." "Oh, I'm sorry I can't help you, sir." "Now, if you want a man that can act like a woman." "Well." "There's Danny Laruenus." "Go!" "Go!" "Wait a minute." "They didn't get that." "Danny Laruenus." "Oh, don't bother, forget it." "Don't bother now, it's too late now." "Oh, go!" "I'm talking to them!" "I'm just gonna go." "Go!" "But..." "One word of warning, weakling." "Yes?" "Betray me or my cause and I will slit you from ear to ear." "Here to where?" "Ear." "Oh." "I'll mark that spot." "Yes." "Remember that we have never met." "Oh, no, we never met." "You do not know who I am." "No, I don't know who you are." "Just remember that we have never had the pleasure." "No, no." "Well, he's right." "He's right." "I haven't had the pleasure for weeks, oh no." "And so this is my message to you." "Let us all live together in love, love, love." "You, you poor girls." "Loose yourselves from the bonds of slavery." "Don't be bondswomen." "Be loose women." "Just remember, do your own thing." "All you need is love." "Love." "Love." "(BARKING)" "All right, keep the bloody bone!" "I was only going to bury it for him." "Oh, there's no gratitude, these beasts." "Please be quiet, Lurcio." "I'm trying to make a speech." "Young master, what are you doing?" "Oh, Lurcio, I've at last found my own thing." "(EXCLAIMING)" "After all this time, what a relief." "Freedom is love!" "Freedom is love!" "That's it, girls, you've got it." "Oh, Lurcio." "What?" "Are they not a lovely pair?" "Oh, they're both lovely pairs." "Pass these pamphlets, man." "Man?" "You could have fooled me." "Listen, what's on these pamphlets?" "Oh, just a little ode I composed to freedom and love." "An ode to freedom." "Ah, sweet." "Might I read it to the populace?" ""Ode to freedom." "A man can never e'er be free" "While there's a ruling class" "So slap your master in the face" "And kick him..." Hello." "Get ready for it." "Here we are." ""And kick him in the teeth"" "I was lost for a rhyme there, I'm sorry." "Well, I'm not, 'cause you're in enough trouble as it is." "Oh, dear." "Look, your father says you've got to go home at once, or you'll end up in jail." "Keep your cool, Lurcio." "I must do my own thing." "You'll be doing time if you're not careful." "Where's these pamphlets?" "Let me have them." "Here we are." "What?" "What?" "Well, what should I do with..." "You dare." "You dare." "Perhaps you're right, Lurcio." "After all, Father knows best." "Yes, Father knows best." "Go off to your home." "Go on, Father knows best." "Go, go on." "Here you are, these are yours." "Yes, that's it." "(GRUMBLING) Young fools." "Look at that. "Freedom is love."" ""Free the slaves." I should coco." "I mean, I..." "How do you do?" "I would..." "Great Jupiter, the fuzz!" "Now, the, er..." "Chilly." "Yes, oh, he hasn't seen the act." "Never mind." "All right, hand over the pamphlets." "No, Captain, there's been a mistake." "There's been a mistake." "As the hairbrush said to the hedgehog." "As the hairbrush said to the..." "Oh, don't bother." ""Ode to freedom."" "Yes." "No!" ""Free the slaves."" "Well, you see..." ""Up Spartacus!"" "Oh, I couldn't have put it better." "You know, it's time you were incarcerated in a nice, damp dungeon." "Oh, don't do that." "Oh, no, don't, oh!" "To be incarcerated!" "I don't want to be incarcerated!" "Incarcerated!" "Look it up in the dictionary." "I'm too young to die, too young!" "Come on, then, come on." "Wait a minute." "I haven't finished yet." "I'm sure." "This is a monologue, here." "It's my best bit." "Oh, I've forgotten where I am now." ""I don't want to die, I'm innocent, there's been a grave miscarriage of justice, spare me, spare me, spare me."" "Thank you." "Nice." "Done the lot now." "Left me nothing to say." "Good." "Now come on." "Oh, dear." "All right." "But you try and get another part in this show." "That's right." "(CAPTAIN JEERS)" "Oh, don't apologise." "It's a well-known fact that in the great May rebellion, 350 slaves were wrongfully arrested and, um..." "Executed." "Hence the well known centurions' marching song," "# Here we go gathering nuts in May #" "Oh, dear." "Here I am." "In the dungeon, incarcerated." "It's a terrible thing." "All alone, left here to die." "Oh, what a terrible fate." "This is what comes of trying to hold out a helping hand to a friend." "One ends up by residing in the pokey." "Oh, my fate, to be boiled in oil!" "Boiled in oil!" "I mustn't think about it!" "I must think about something nice." "Happy." "Let me think of the past." "The happy days of the past." "Ah, yes, the past." "Ah, my dear old mother." "I wonder where she is." "And my dear old father." "I wonder who he was." "Oh, those happy days." "Those violin lessons with my little kid sister." "I wonder who's fiddling with her now." "JAILER:" "Psst!" "No." "(HISSING)" "Oh, another one with a leak." "Psst!" "Hello then, matey." "Good evening." "How you feeling, then?" "Nicely, thanks." "Yes." "I've put the future out of my mind." "Yeah, that's the stuff, matey." "Here." "Here's your breakfast." "What is it?" "Sardines." "Oh, sardines." "Oh, delicious." "Boiled in oil." "(CACKLING)" "A little titter ran round the cell block." "Sardines." "Talking of titters, I must bust out of here." "Oh, shut your gobs." "No, I..." "No, I must!" "I must break out of here!" "You hear?" "I'm innocent." "I'm breaking out." "I'm breaking out." "I am, too." "It's this straw." "It's the straw they give you to sleep on." "I'm red raw underneath, I really am." "Oh, if I could only escape." "It's locked." "Oh, a trapdoor here." "It's locked." "And I don't know the combination." "Oh, damn clever, these Romans." "Always had combinations with trapdoors." "Oh, no!" "Oh, dear!" "I'm innocent!" "Let me out, I'm innocent, I'm innocent!" "(WAILING)" "Where's the camera." "Here, look, look." "Real tears, real tears, yes?" "Oh, no glycerine rubbish." "No, real tears." "Mind you, it's not difficult for an actor like me to cry, you know." "I just have to think of the money they're paying me for this show and I'm in floods." "Oh, God!" "I said I'd bring the house down." "Look." "Oh, dear." "Oh, God, I must break out of here." "It's the loneliness, the loneliness, the loneliness." "There's no one to talk to." "No one to talk to." "I wonder if it..." "If there's anyone in the next cell." "I'll tap." "Anyone there?" "(TAPPING)" "They're answering." "I'll tap out a message in Morsus codim." "Who are you?" "Please answer." "(TAPPING)" "They're answering." "Please stop banging." "There's people here trying to sleep." "Charming, isn't it?" "There's a gesture of friendship." "Well, well, well." "And how are we this bright summer's day?" ""How are we"?" "Shocking!" ""Bright summer's day"?" "A lot of good it is to me." "How can you get a nice suntan in front of a silly little window like that?" "I mean, look at this." "You can't." "It's silly." "That's enough." "Well, my news should cheer you up." "What?" "Your sentence has been commuted." "To life imprisonment." "Life imprisonment?" "You mean I'm not gonna die?" "No, damn it." "You must have friends in high places." "Well..." "High places?" "The only high place I know is the fish market." "I've got no friends there." "Life imprisonment." "Oh, what a sentence." "There isn't even a verb in it." "Anyway, you're the luckiest slave in this city." "Lucky?" "Why?" "You're safer in here than out." "Why?" "Well, Spartacus leading a revolt of the slaves." "Is he?" "Now, when that happens," "Spartacus and every other slave in this city..." "Put to the sword." "Put to the sword." "Oh yes, I'm better off." "Make sure to get that door." "Lock me in." "Oh, mind how you go." "Oh, dear." "I'm better off in here, aren't I?" "At least I shall live the rest of my life, maybe even more, let's face it." "Well, it's not a bad cell, really, is it?" "I mean, you know." "One could make it quite pretty, couldn't one, really?" "If one was to just rustle up the straw just a whimsy." "And polish the chains." "One could make it quite pretty, couldn't one?" "One thing at least, I'm me own master." "I'm not bossed about by senators and mistresses and things like that..." "Here, here." "What?" "Don't worry, matey." "I'm on the slaves' side." "I'll soon get you out of here." "Yes, but I don't want to be got out of here." "Of course you don't." "Wait, wait, don't overdo it." "Thank you very much." "Now, wait a minute." "We're not doing The Hunchback of Notre Dame." "Let's face it." "Now, listen." "All you gotta do is bash me over the head, pinch me keys, and you're away, see?" "I don't want to get out of here, do I?" "Go on, you don't have to bash me very hard..." "I have no intention of bashing you..." "Hello." "Blimey." "You didn't have to overdo it." "Where's he going?" "Just a minute." "Wait a minute, he's showing his knickers." "Wait a minute." "You can stay there and rot with him." "Oh, no, don't leave me here with him." "There's only room for one." "Oh, please, Captain." "Oh, please have mercy." "Oh, let me help you up." "That's it." "Oh, dear." "It's you." "I thought it was the sardines." "It's you!" "You'll never get the ring of confidence, I'll tell you that." "Terrible." "Oh, dear." "Hello?" "Visitor for you." "Hello, it must be the chaplain." "This way, sir." "Thank you, Captain." "I just want to tell this vile, treacherous slave what I think of him." "May I borrow your truncheon, Captain?" "With pleasure." "And perhaps you better leave us alone." "It may be rather nasty." "(HISSING)" "Everyone's having a leak today." "Yes, master, I'm innocent, I swear I'm innocent." "I know, I know, Lurcio." "Nausius told me you took all the blame for him." "I can't tell you how truly grateful I am." "Oh, it's you that's had my sentence commuted to life imprisonment?" "Yes, yes, yes." "Mind you, we can't act here, there's no room." "Never fear, Lurcio." "You won't have to serve the sentence." "I have the means to get you out." "The means?" "But I don't want to get out." "Now, don't be so silly, Lurcio!" "Of course you want to get out." "No, I don't." "Yes, of course you do." "Excuse us." "Excuse us." "Quiet, quiet." "Quickly, quickly, take these things." "What have you got?" "I've got a hammer, nails, and a saw and some wood." "Saw?" "What for?" "To make a ladder to reach that window and then you can escape." "But I don't want to escape, master." "Of course you want to escape!" "Now listen, Lurcio, I can't leave you here in these frightful conditions." "You've got to escape." "Oh, I don't want to escape." "Excuse me, matey." "Do you mind?" "Now, don't get familiar, we've only just met." "Lie down, get back again where you were." "Ah!" "Thought I smelt a rat." "I know, it's him, there." "I'll take those." "Now you can join the two of them here." "Oh..." "Look here, my man." "Here, Captain, Captain!" "I'm a senator." "Come here back at once." "A senator, he is." "I'm a senator." "Oh, Lurcio." "Oh, Lurcio, I'm sorry." "Well, I did my best." "I'm sorry." "Well, if that's your best, if that's your best, master, I should hate to see your worst." "Don't let's get downhearted." "LURCIO:" "Oh, don't let's get downhearted, no." "Well, we'll just have to make ourselves as comfortable as possible." "Well, that shouldn't be too difficult, I suppose." "We'll just take it in turns to breathe." "Oh, you haven't met our cellmate, have you?" "Pongus Maximus." "How do you do?" "Pleased to meet you." "Ah, there you are, Captain." "I was looking for my husband." "Oh, if it's a curly-topped old geezer in a purple toga, he's locked up in there." "Oh, how very providential." "Oh, yeah." "Eh?" "I've often seen you around the town, Captain, and found you more than desirable." "Oh, have you now?" "Yes." "Well..." "Not here, Captain." "Haven't you a room somewhere?" "Yes, straight down the corridor." "Second on the left." "Well, you go there and get ready and I'll be there in 10 minutes." "I'll go and turn down the straw." "Lurcio." "Lurcio, can I come in?" "Yes, plenty of room on top." "Ammonia!" "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?" "Yeah, come to that, what are we all doing here?" "The pub's been open for hours now." "I only came to try to help Lurcio to escape." "Oh, never mind that, I have a much better plan." "Lurcio must put on my things." "Then he can leave here unnoticed." "But, mistress, I don't understand..." "There's not a moment to lose." "I don't..." "Take off your clothes." "Yes." "Wait a minute, not you." "She was talking to me." "Hurry up." "Help me out of my things." "Not you!" "He's only supposed to have a small part." "Lurcio, listen to me, Lurcio." "Lurcio, listen to me." "Yes, I'm listening." "You are." "What you must do is to put on my things." "Then you can leave here unsuspected." "But I don't want to leave here, mistress." "Oh, don't be silly, Lurcio." "You don't think I'll let you suffer for my son's stupidity, do you?" "Get out of it." "Well, look..." "Quickly, quickly, let's change clothes!" "All right, oh dear, all right." "Let's change clothes." "Don't know where I am in all this." "Take it off." "I'm taking them off, aren't I?" "(ALL CLAMOURING)" "We'll change clothes." "(ALL SQUABBLING)" "What are you doing?" "Get out of it!" "I don't want to stay here, do I?" "Put the clothes on, Lurcio." "Put them on." "We spent four hours rehearsing this." "You'd never think so, would you?" "All right, I'm putting them on." "What about you?" "Well, I'm all right, Lurcio." "I'm not involved in anything." "And if they search me, they won't find anything." "Well, if they search me, they'll find plenty, that's for sure." "Oh, Lurcio, don't waste time." "Off you go." "All right the, but..." "Oh!" "The door's locked!" "It won't open!" "But I put the keys on the outside." "It can't be." "Well, it can be and it is." "It won't open." "(LAUGHING)" "Hello." "The Laughing Policeman." "Well, mistress, I'm afraid you must prepare to settle down here the rest of your life." "Here you are." "Here's your piece of straw." "Am I to be confined here?" "With three men here, it's more than likely." "(KNOCKING)" "Shh!" "Shh!" "I heard a noise." "Under the floor." "AMMONIA:" "Nausius!" "(WHISPERING) Mother!" "Can I come up?" "Yes, do come up." "Join the merry throng." "Oh, dear Lurcio, you see I didn't forget you." "No, nobody forgot me." "This is Iris." "Oh, Iris." "Well, if you're Iris, come into the parlour." "Come on up, men." "That's right..." "Men?" "Come on then, that's it." "That's right." "The girls here have volunteered to keep the guards occupied while you get away." "Yes." "It's a much better idea." "Get this lot out and leave the girls here to keep me occupied." "Don't be silly, Lurcio." "Now, off you go." "Now you're one big happy family." "Enjoy yourselves!" "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Oh, dear." "Going up, second floor." "Ladies' underwear, sheets and bedding." "I'm terribly sorry, I bumped into you." "That's all right." "We'll be in here for a long time, so keep bumping." "What pretty bumpers." "(TAPPING SOUND)" "Oh, that noise!" "It's Spartacus!" "The uprising has started!" "He's attacking the prison arena!" "There's an uprising!" "Spartacus attacking!" "There are thousands of men outside there engaged in mortal combat." "Thousands fighting for their lives!" "Thousands upon thousands!" "Well, you don't think you're gonna get to see it, do you?" "Just take my word for it, that's all." "Oh, what a fight!" "Oh, I wish we could see what was going on." "It's a beautiful day here at the Pompeii arena, and I should think we've gathered what could well be described as a record crowd, what do you think, Richie?" "Shut up." "Yes, here they all are, gathered to see the tremendously exciting contest, between the Pompeian slaves in the gay, lacy briefs and the Roman centurions." "Shut up, you silly old four-letter word." "No, three-letter word." "Why give him more than he's worth?" "Three-letter word." "You work it out for yourselves." "What?" "It's stopped." "It's all over." "(SCREAMING)" "Victory is ours!" "The slaves have triumphed over the masters." "Well, well." "The BBC might be a bit mean with fighting soldiers, but they certainly lash out with the tomato sauce." "You mean our armies are completely overcome?" "Completely." "The officers all dead, the NCOs surrounded." "And the privates?" "Cut off!" "Oh, they've lost the lot." "Oh, well." "(STAMMERING) What's going to become of us?" "Ah, that's up to your servant Lurcio to decide." "He's the master now." "(CHEERING)" "I'm the master?" "Well, well, well." "I'm the master now." "There's a turn-up for the book." "I..." "Wait a minute, dear." "I must accustom myself to my new position." "Ah." "And now you may recommence the dialogue." "Dear, dear Lurcio, now that you're the master, what are you going to do with them?" "Well, I haven't thought about that." "And me?" "I've thought about that." "Oh, Lurcio, I must be frank." "That's okay, dear." "You be Frank and I'll be Ammonia." "As long as you don't come the acid." "More milk, master?" "Perhaps just a soupçon." "Thank you." "Yes, and perhaps..." "Yes, just a little more sugar, please." "Will that be all, master?" "Yes, yes, you may go." "Oh, yes." "No, wait a moment." "I seem to have lost the soap." "Kindly retrieve it for me, will you?" "Oh, certainly, master." "(EXCLAIMING)" "I hope she's brought her flippers." "I say, Cinders." "Yes, master?" "Master, I think I've finished all the polishing and cleaning now." "Would there be ought else, master?" "Yes." "Stone me a fig." "Yes." "Master, may I have my food now, please?" "What?" "Food?" "But you had a bowl of gruel only yesterday." "Yes, I know, master, but I'm feeling hungry again." "Dear, you are a guts, aren't you." "Oh, very well then." "(EXCLAIMING)" "No." "Your food is out there, in a bowl next to the dog's." "I'm sorry, master." "I'm rotten, aren't I?" "Rotten, I am!" "I like this part." "Pater, Pater, wonderful news!" "Caesar's army has landed." "Spartacus and the slaves have all fled." "We are the masters again!" "We are?" "The masters again?" "(CHUCKLES) Well, well, well." "Did you hear that, Lurcio?" "Yes, but I don't think we should let it affect our way of life." "Do you?" "Don't you now, Lurcio?" "No." "A little more fan, dear." "I'll give you fan." "Thank you." "Get out of here, you low-down, useless, idle..." "Out!" "Oh, dear, back to being lovable again." "Oh, what a shame." "(BARKING)" "No, no!" "Let go!" "No, don't do it!" "Let go!" "Drop it!" "Drop it!" "Drop it!" "Now, please don't..." "Oh, dear." "Oh, you naughty little dog." "Oh, aren't you awful." "Oh, what a monster he is." "He really is." "Well, salute, salute."