" Morning." " Morning." "Uh, that milk's spoiled." "Why didn't you tell me that before I drank it?" "I thought it would be funnier this way." "Hi, Mom." "Hi, Uncle Matthew." "Hey, sweetie." "Where's your daddy?" "Can't talk." "Drank a Big Gulp." "Gotta pee." " Hi." " Hi." "Hey, it's breakfast time." "What are you giving him Big Gulps for?" "Richard got one so he wanted one." "Besides, it's only 32 ounces." "He's only 32 ounces." "So... you guys psyched?" "I don't think so." "My birthday." "It's tomorrow." " I'm psyched, honey." " Thanks, babe." "Oh, Richard's birthday." "Yeah, I have so many memories of all the birthdays Richard and I spent together." "The birthday eve countdown, the phone call from his mother at the exact moment of his birth:" "3:18... a.m." "That's so weird." "I was born at 8:13 a.m." "Wow." "Don't listen to Crabby Pants." "It's going to be fun." "I booked the party room at Bonjiorno's for tomorrow night." "But we only have it for three hours so you're going to have to keep the speeches to a minimum." "Oh, and I hate to ask..." "Oh, you so don't hate to ask." "Can you make the lemon Jell-O cake?" "Yes, I'll make the lemon Jell-O cake." "Yay!" "I'm psyched!" "I've got to say, I'm starting to get a little jazzed myself." "Hey, is Ritchie still peeing up there?" "I'll go check on him." "'Cause maybe you guys want to talk about some other birthday surprises you have planned." "Well, I'm going to go to my room to get stoked." "Can I offer you a glass of milk?" " Can I help with the cake?" " I think I've got it." "It's no problem." "My mom used to bake all the time." "Actually, her maiden name was Baker." "I don't know if that's why she baked, but she loved baking." "Um, I've gotta..." "just get..." "Yeah." "My dad's last name is Hunter." "He doesn't hunt, though." "Or bake." "Richard?" "Um..." "I've gotta... get in here." "Yeah, thanks." "My last name is Hunter." "I don't know if you knew that, but it is." "Matthew?" "Anyone?" "Um, I've gotta..." "I'm just going over..." "Yeah, so, yeah." "So, I wanted to ask you something." "Do you have any ideas about what to get Richard?" "I want to get him a really special gift because he's always so thoughtful." "Yeah, I know, right?" "Oh, wait, you're serious?" "Oh, yeah." "On our first date, I told him about my fifth birthday and how my parents promised to get me a pony." "But before my birthday, they split up, so I didn't get the pony." "So for my birthday last year, Richard took me to Catalina." "And... you-you went horseback riding?" "Oh, that would have been fun." "No, we stayed in a hotel and made love all weekend." "That's a great story." "But the card did have a picture of a horse on it." "So, he's thoughtful." "And not just on birthdays." "On Sunday nights, he knows I get kind of sad, so he always leaves me a little poem on my pillow." "The only note he ever left me was, "Don't go in there."" "He's always giving me gifts for no reason." "He bought me this top." "Oh." "Hmm." "Once he got me a T-shirt that said," ""I'm not as think as you drunk I am."" "Boy, he's really gotten better at this boyfriend business." "I lucked out." "Oh!" "Oh, you know what he would like." "There's this thing that goes on the back of his pickup truck, it's called a bed extender." "And it's got a place for a toolbox and a cooler and you can put a hibachi in it." "And, gosh, Richard's been saying he's wanted that for years." "That would really make him happy." "Then why didn't you ever get it for him?" "'Cause it would really make him happy." "Wow." "Yeah." "Give it ten years, New Christine, you'll get there." "You know, you can just call me Christine." "I know." "Man, that's the longest I've ever peed." "Huh." "That is going to look so good on your college application." "Hey, Ritchie, have you decide what you're going to get me for my birthday?" "I'm going to make you a card." "Oh." "Well, I love your cards, but maybe you're old enough now to start giving Daddy a gift with those awesome cards of yours." "But the card is a gift." "Mmm, not really, sweetie." "Okay, all right." "It's time for Daddy and New Christine to go so Mommy can bake a cake." "All right, we'll see you later." " Bye." " Thanks for your help." "Oh, sure." "I love you, Ritchie, no matter what you get me." "But I know it'll be something great." "Get psyched." "Get out." "You know, you could just put your name on my gift." "No." "I want to get him something with my own money." "Well, uh, how much do you have?" "I don't have any money." "But... how did you think you were going to pay for his gift?" "I don't know." "I'm freaking out." "Okay." "Calm down." "There's another option." "Come here." "Now, I'm going to show you something, but you can't let anyone know that I showed you." "Is it a chicken?" "Why do you always guess chicken?" "Voila." "The crappy gift cupboard." "Whenever anyone gets one of us a lame present, it goes here, where it will never disappoint anyone ever again." "Why are there so many ice cream makers?" "Because it turns out you can buy ice cream already made." "Hey, check this out." "A complete magician kit." "I could do a magic show for Dad's present." "Do you think he'd like that?" "Uh, to put it this way" " I would love to see his face when you give it to him." "This is better than a chicken." "Ooh, hey, the crappy gift cupboard." "Hey, grab me one of those ice cream makers." "I'm going to wrap it up for Richard's present." "I think he gave that to you." "Yeah, I know." "We've given it back and forth four times." "It makes him so mad." "It's funny." "You're nice." "Oh, come on." "I spent ten years planning Richard's birthdays, thinking of the perfect gift, the perfect party, the perfect way to wake him up." "No." "Yeah, and let me tell you something-- that's one torch I'm happy to pass along to New Christine." "No!" "Let's just say that the candles aren't the only thing getting..." "Okay!" "Come outside." " You've got to see this." " What?" " Come on!" "Come on!" " What?" " Come here, look." " What?" "You're not going to believe what New Christine got me for my birthday." "I just heard, and it's going to make my gift look pretty lousy." "Isn't it beautiful?" "I don't know what I'm looking at." "It's a truck bed extender." "A truck bed extender." "You have always wanted one of those." "It's not just an extender." "It's a cargo management system." "I can put my cooler here, my blueprints in here." "It has everything." " Does it have a hard hat holder?" " Does it have a hard hat holder?" "I think he's making fun of you." "I am." "I think it's awesome." "It sure is." "It seems like a great gift." "Are you kidding?" "It's the perfect gift." "It's the best gift I've ever gotten." "The best gift for the best boyfriend." "I'm blown away." "You put so much thought into this." "No one's ever does that on my birthday." "What, are you kidding me?" "For ten years I made your birthday a national holiday." "Yeah, but your gifts sucked." "What?" "The weekend getaways, the-the breakfast in bed." "I kissed that Asian woman in front of you." "That was on your birthday." "Oh, yeah." "It was a good birthday." "The point is though, that I've given you some pretty spectacular birthdays." "Yeah, but you know what this says to me?" "This says she knows me." "She gets me." "I do get you." "We get each other." "This is the best birthday." "For the best boyfriend." "From the best girlfriend." "Well, the gift was my idea, not New Christine." "Me-- original Christine." "What?" "Well, you know, I mean, maybe I shouldn't have said anything." "Maybe?" "I mean, you know, the important thing is that you got something that you love." "So be happy." "I mean, yeah, there are contractors in Africa who don't even have a truck bed to extend." " That's true." " Or a truck." "Or a bed." "They drive around in elephants." " What are you doing?" " I don't know." "No one's stopping me." "I guess it doesn't matter whose idea it was." "It's the gift that counts." "Don't you mean it's the thought that counts?" "Whatever." "Yeah, you know, whatever." "It's okay." "You still wrote me a nice card." "You wrote that, right?" "Yes." "Come on, let's take it for a spin." "Hey..." "Happy birthday." "Get psyched!" "Ooh, look, the, um..." "the Halperns painted their house." "Is that green or..." "So, you feel okay about how that played out?" "Yeah, I feel fine." "You wouldn't do anything differently?" "Maybe the opposite of what you did." "No, I didn't do anything wrong." "I told the truth and the truth is never wrong." "Well, you lie about your age." "And that's something I'm going to try not to do in my 30s." "I see." "I mean, it's not my fault New Christine chose to deceive her boyfriend, then tried to turn it around on me." "Oh, is that what happened out there?" "Yeah, pretty much." "Why couldn't you just let Richard think the gift was New Christine's idea?" "I don't know, it just made me mad." "The way they were talking about her being the best girlfriend and him being the best boyfriend." "You know, what about me?" "Well, you're neither of those things." "You're a 55-year-old pathological liar." "She is only the perfect girlfriend because of me, okay?" "I think I deserve some-some credit." "For what?" "For giving her the perfect gift suggestion, making her the perfect girlfriend, and for turning that self-absorbed goon into the best boyfriend she has ever had." "I did all that." "Wait, is this the same man who cracks up anytime anyone, in any context, says "number two"?" "Okay, he's no James Bond, all right, but, I mean, things like..." "thoughtful gifts and weekends away and poems on New Christine's pillow." "You know, I made him." "So you introduced him to poetry?" "Yeah, among other things, yes." " You don't know any poetry." " I know poetry." ""Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick."" "That's a nursery rhyme." "It's poetry, okay, and the point is" "New Christine would not have looked twice at that guy if it wasn't for me." "I mean, what does it matter?" "Matthew, it's like an artist who takes an empty canvas and creates this beautiful painting, and when he's finished, he puts his signature right there in the corner." "And then when people walk through the museum and they look at this gorgeous painting, they say," ""Oh, I like that." "That's a," um..." " Can't think of an artist, can you?" " Okay, that's not the point." "The point is I want people to know that the boyfriend that Richard is today is because of me, all right?" "That dimwitted chimp is my masterpiece." "Maybe save that for the birthday toast." "Sir, if you'll just let me know when the birthday boy gets here," "I'll start bringing out the appetizers." "The birthday boy is here." "You're the birthday boy?" "Yep, the big four-one." "What's four-one stand for?" "Forty-one." "And you're celebrating?" "Just bring the appetizers please." "Right away." " Hey." " Hey, there they are." "You rented this whole room?" "Yeah, remember last year?" "That guy at the other table had a birthday and totally stole my thunder." "He was eight." "He was a jackass." "Hey, what do you got there?" "Is that my present?" "Yup." "Hey, Mom, can I go get it ready?" "Yeah, yeah, sure, honey." "Ooh, it requires assembly." "I'm going to like it." "No, you're not." "What?" "Happy birthday." "Where's New Christine?" "I don't know." "She should be here by now." "I'm getting a little worried." "And she's not answering her phone." " Maybe she's upset." " Why would she be upset?" "I wonder why she'd be upset, Christine." "Me?" "How would I know?" "I don't know what goes on in their stupid relationship." "He probably said something stupid." "I probably did." "She's mad at Christine for telling you about the truck bed extender." "It was embarrassing." "Yeah, why did you have to tell me about that?" "That was mean." "And she's sensitive." "I'm sensitive." "I think you're sitting on a fork." "Thanks." "You had to be mean to her on my birthday." "I wasn't trying to be mean." "It was my idea." " We know." " We know." "Fine, I'll apologize when she gets here." "Happy birthday, Dad." "Hey!" "It's an old-time villain." "No, I'm a magician." "I'm going to escape from shackles and a sack." " Why?" " It's your present." "Mm, not really, sweetie." "Oh... he loves it." "Go do your trick, honey." "I will require the help of my lovely assistant." "I'm the lovely assistant." "Hi." "Oh, look, she's here." "Good." "Everything's fine." "I didn't do anything wrong." " Hi, sweetie, I was getting a little..." " I made a cake." "Oh... but..." "I made my lemon Jell-O cake." "I make it every year." "Well, this year, I made a cake, too." "Ah, well, that's another idea you got from me." "I didn't realize you invented the birthday cake, Christine." "You must be even older than I thought." "Baby, is everything all right?" "Would somebody like to test my shackles?" "I'll test your shackles." "Shackles have been tested." " Behold!" "My assistant will now..." " Lovely assistant." "...lovely assistant will now help me into the airtight sack." "Look, I don't care if you baked a cake, too." "It's just that Richard loves my lemon Jell-O cake." "It's kind of a tradition." "Well, maybe it's time for a new tradition." "Maybe it's time for my triple-berry layer cake with buttercream frosting." "Here, Richard, try some." "It's not time for cake yet;" "we haven't even had dinner." "Try the damn cake, Richard." "Yum." "Oh, fine." "So your cake is good." "So what?" "It's not a competition." "Okay, try mine." "Also yum." "So I guess you both make great cakes." "It's a new birthday tradition." "All my women feed me cake." "I like it." "But which cake is better, Richard, if you had to pick?" " I don't have to pick." " He doesn't have to pick." "Pick, Richard." "Which is it?" "My new, moist, young cake or Christine's old, dried out, bitter cake?" "How dare you?" "My cake is not dried out, all right?" "The Jell-O makes it moist." "Oh, crap." "I think I'm stuck." "Assistant!" "I'm here." "Let me just, uh..." "Could you-- can you-- do you have it?" "Now the lovely assistant will take this sack of magician to the kitchen to see if they have scissors." "Behold!" "So which is it?" "Come on." "We don't want any fighting on my special day." "Look, Richard." "I know you and this old, sour cake have a lot of history." "But you need to decide if you're ready for a new cake." "Because if you're not, there are plenty of men out there who would love to get a piece." "Yeah, well, old cake does just fine, all right?" "I mean, maybe not so much lately, but that's only because old cake gets tired at night." "I like both cakes." "One cake is the mother of my child." "The other cake is my wonderful new girlfriend." "Equally delicious." "Damn it, how long am I going to be new?" "New girlfriend, new cake, New Christine." "When are you going to let go and let me just be Christine?" "Why is it always a competition with you?" "Hey, you came to me for help." "And you had to let everybody know that it was your idea." "You couldn't let me have this one thing." "Yeah, well, it was my idea." " We know!" " Well, it was." "Look, I don't care whose cake he eats, okay?" "I just thought I deserved a little credit." "And maybe a thank you." "For giving me the idea?" "For building you the perfect boyfriend." "The romantic poems, the thoughtful getaways, the blouses." "All that sweet, caring crap that he does for you" "I taught him all that, okay?" "So thank me!" "You're kind of bringing down the party." "Okay." "You're right." "You do deserve some credit." "I do?" "Richard is a great boyfriend and I know that you are responsible for a lot of that." "Well, yes, I am." "And I appreciate your being mature enough to acknowledge my role in it." "So thank you." "Thank you for making Richard the terrific man that he is today." "You're most welcome." "See?" "That's all I wanted." "Great." "Back to the birthday." "But if you want to take credit for Richard, you can't just take credit for the good things." "You have to take credit for everything." "What are you talking about?" "Well, because of you, Richard has intimacy issues." "It took him three dates to sleep with me but six months to tell me that he loved me." "So thank you for that." "Okay, well, I don't think that that has anything..." "And thanks to you, the only way Richard knows how to make a point in a conversation is by yelling." "All right, well, he didn't learn that from me!" "Will you stop fighting?" "!" "Both cakes are good!" "And were you the one who let him believe that baby talk in bed was sexy?" "It's a wittle sexy." "Oh, my." "So if you want the credit for Richard, take it." "All of it." "I just wanted him to know that I thought of a good gift." "And he does, so you win." "You've known him longer, you know him better." "You're the original." "Happy?" "No, no, no, no." "Not yet, not yet." "No, I'm not happy, okay?" "Maybe I was a little petty." " A wittle?" " Stop it." "Okay, I was petty." "I'm sorry..." "Christine." "Thank you." "Okay." "All right." "There you go." "I'm not actually much of a hugger myself." "I have... my own intimacy issues, so, um..." "Why can't you just let her hug you?" "!" "I'm letting her hug me!" "Behold!" "That's not really my present, right?" "He's all yours."