"(Man) 'Doc, I got this thing." "It's about women.'" "You're having trouble finding Miss Right?" "'Are you nuts?" "I meet Miss Right most every night." "'College girls, career women hungry for RR, if you know what I mean...'" "You leave little room for misinterpretation." "But I sense that you're still not truly happy." "'Sure I am. lt's just that I lost a pinkie ring in one of their houses." "'Star sapphire, beautiful thing." "'l figured if I went on your show, I had a pretty good chance of getting it back.' lt's obvious you know nothing about this show, or how to treat women." "But even more appalling, you know even less about jewellery." "A pinkie no more needs a ring than a neck needs a gold medallion." " 'Just shoot me, why don't you?" "' - l'd be delighted." "We'll be right back after this." "Hi, Dr Crane." " He's driving me crazy." " We can't choose our admirers." "It's gone way beyond the admiring stage." "Have you seen his petition?" "Hi, Dr Crane." "Could you sign this petition someone posted?" "It's to the talented producers of "Star Trek", suggesting a new character." ""The all-powerful space vixen..." "Rozalinda." ""Four-breasted queen of the planet Rozniak."" "I'll sign that." "Frasier!" "Television will never improve unless the viewers speak out." "Thanks. I'd better go." " Well, live long and prosper." " Just go." "I am the joke of the station." "The guard used to say, "Morning, Roz." Now it's, "All hail, Rozalinda!"" "Noel's attempt to immortalise you is akin to a love poem written by Browning to his wife." "Did he ever write a poem where he gave her two extra breasts?" "I'd have to check my English Lit notes, but I think not." "(Phone rings)" "Hello?" "Yes?" "Niles, slow down!" "I can't understand you." " What is it?" " Maris is missing." "What?" "No, I don't think you should drag the koi pond!" "I'll be right over." "Just hang tight." " How much time left in the show?" " You go. I'll handle things here." "If I can nurse quadruplets and still rule Rozniak, I can do anything." "(Frasier) What's going on?" "(Martin) Maris is gone." " l'm on the phone with the station." " She just vanished." "No note, nothing." "(Door opens)" " Thank God you're here." " (Daphne) Any news?" "No, I asked the neighbours if they'd seen any strange cars." "One had spotted something called a "minivan"." "But that was weeks ago." "There's no need to panic." "I'm sure she's all right." "Dear me." "I don't want to alarm you, but I'm getting a strong vibration off this." " Dear God." " l see Mrs Crane." "She's waving this poker around and screaming, "You thief!" "Get out!" " "You'll never get away with this!"" " Wait." "That's what she said to the decorator when he tried to double-bill her." "I was wondering why the intruder was wearing toreador pants." "Yeah, Mike, I'm still here." "Yeah, she's been missing three days." "She's been missing for three days and you're just panic-stricken now?" "I only just realised." "The last two nights, I knocked on Maris's door and I was greeted with silence, so I assumed everything was fine." "Thin." "Make that very thin." "Caucasian." "Very Caucasian." "God, what could be happening to her?" "Wait, you got something?" "OK." "There's been charges on Maris's credit cards in New York." " God." "She's been kidnapped." " Yeah." "OK, slow down." "Armani..." "Valentino..." "Cartier..." "Tiffany..." " Any restaurants?" " Not a one." "(Shouts) She's alive!" " Niles!" "You're certain?" " Yes!" "She's recreating her "Sakes alive, I'm 35" shopping spree!" "Mike, thanks a lot. I owe you." "Bye." " Dr Crane, I'm so relieved." " So am I." "And I'm exhausted." "I was so scared." "Frasier?" "What's wrong?" "You look positively uncelebratory." "Aren't you glad Maris is OK?" "Of course I am. lt's just that..." "Here you are, scared to death, and she's off on a shopping trip!" "(Frasier) Don't you find that upsetting?" "Yes, I suppose her behaviour was a tad inconsiderate." " She left without so much as a note." " This is between Niles and his wife." "I'm sorry, Dad, Maris is selfish." "She puts her needs above his." "She avoids family functions." "Doesn't that make you angry?" "I've learned to accept her eccentricities." " She's being arrogant and selfish." " lf he says he's not angry, he isn't." " lf l were, what would you have me do?" " Let it out!" "I am letting it out. i'm getting hives." "That is a triumph of self-expression." "Just let out some of the words that you're dying to say!" "God, I am so sick of you and your relentless psychobabble!" "That was directed at Maris!" "Nope, that was for you!" "This is for Maris!" "Now you got it out of your system." "Yes, but it felt so good." "This is healthy, but you must talk to Maris." "Wait." "That's beautiful." "Here, this one's hideous." " l gave him that for a wedding present." " All right, here." "Oh, Marta, this feels wonderful." "You must try it." "I meant at your house." " My God, it's Maris!" " What?" " You said she was in New York." " She probably flew back." "All right, there's an easy solution to this." "We'll tell Maris there was a break-in." "Niles, stop it!" " You are the damaged party here." " But the mess!" "This mess is the physical manifestation of years of repressed anger!" "Draw a line in the sand and say, "l have had enough."" "My God, man, show her your mess!" "You're right. I'll tell Maris I will not tolerate this behaviour." "I'm going to demand an apology." "Good for you." "I always hated that dynasty." " How are you feeling?" " Fine." "Quit asking." "It's a reasonable question." "You just ate a cut of prime rib the size of a hatbox." "You were too embarrassed to take a doggy bag." "For what it cost, that meat was coming with me, one way or another." "We've been gone three hours." "Probably have a dog with a full bladder in there." "Lord, let's hope so." "Would you take him for a walk?" "I just want to unbuckle my pants, since I wasn't allowed to at the restaurant." "Sure." "We all know how Eddie needs his exercise." "We wouldn't want all the fatty meat he eats clogging up his arteries." "And why don't you pick up some half-and-half at the corner store, too?" "Get moving, old man." " There you are." " Niles?" "Sorry to startle you. I let myself in." "Want a beer?" "No." "Thank you for putting me in touch with my anger." "I had no idea how therapeutic it was to pick something up and smash it." "You're welcome, Niles." "But how did things go with Maris?" "I demanded an explanation." "Over lunch with her garden club," "Maris heard that the new couture lines were in New York." "So she rushed off and forgot to leave a note." " Unbelievable." " Thinking about it makes me furious!" " Really?" " Yes." "So I told her, "Maris, you were inconsiderate," ""and when you are ready to apologise, I can be reached at Frasier's."" "Then I slammed the door." "It was a 1 4th Century cathedral door so two servants had to help me slam it." "But what it lacked in spontaneity it made up for in resonance." "I don't usually toot my own horn but I think I was on the mark." " You feel good?" " Great." " Empowered?" " So empowered." " And you'd like to switch to wine?" " Oh, please." "Hello?" "Hello, Maris." "Yes, Niles is here." "I'll see if he's available." "Hello, Maris." "I know you're not used to me speaking to you that way." "That's the point." "I see." "Thank you. I know this was a very difficult call for you to make." "Goodbye." "She wants a divorce." " She still won't talk to me." " Give her time." "Call her again in the morning." "You must be exhausted, Niles." "Why don't you get some rest?" " Do you have a blanket for me?" " You're not sleeping on any couch." "You can sleep in Frasier's bed." " What?" " lt's not too much trouble?" "No trouble." "Don't worry about it." "You're family." "Thank you." "That was very generous of you." " You got him kicked out of the house." " l was just trying to do what's right." "Well, I handled domestic disputes for 30 years." "The first rule is, don't take sides." " Difficult when it's your brother." " (Marty) That's the second rule." "When it's your own family, keep your nose out." " This is making sense." " You should listen to your old man." " l'm not a psychiatrist. I'm just a cop." " But a darn good one." " You're going to talk to Maris?" " l'll be back in an hour." " Don't ignore me, Marta!" " (Hispanic accent) Go away!" "I need to speak with Mrs Crane." "Missy Crane say, no you Dr Crane, no other Dr Crane, and no Crane with a cane!" " At least tell her that I'm here." " She know." "Everybody know." "Maris!" "Maris, we need to talk!" "Look, I know you're up there." "I can see you through the shutters!" "All right, if you won't talk, listen." "Niles didn't ask me to come here." "I came because I care about you." "I realise that Niles spoke to you rather harshly." "It was I that urged him to express his anger." "As hard as it was for you to listen to such criticism, you must concede that he had a right to be upset!" "Oh, Maris!" "By opening that window you're opening up a window to a happy marriage!" "All right, you're expressing your anger." "That's good, too!" "In spite of that I am not leaving until we've had some sort of a breakthrough!" "I see our time is up. I'll let myself out." "(Frasier) I know you're there." "After last night I've had quite enough of your kind." "I'm not giving you anything to eat." "All right." "Finish off this god-awful shepherd's pie that Daphne made." "Lord knows, it isn't fit for humans." "Did that sound like "humans"?" "I said, "Mormons"." " You're not very quick in the morning." " lt was a rough night." "Don't come between a husband and wife." "And Dad's all sleep-refreshed and ready to resume his lecture." "Look, your brother left us a note." ""Dear Dad, Frasier and Daphne." "When you wake up I'll be gone." ""Thank you for all your help but I don't want to be a burden any longer."" "You don't think..." "No, I'm sure this is all completely harmless." "Yeah, my gun's locked up and the balcony door is closed..." "And we all know that Daphne's shepherd's pie is still in the refrigerator." "Hi-ho, everyone!" "What are you doing inside on such a beautiful day?" "You seem chipper this morning." "I woke up and I realised that my life is changing." "I'm single now so I rented a bachelor pad. ls that coffee?" " lsn't that jumping the gun?" " No." "Maris ordered me to get my stuff out by sundown, or else she'd turn it over to a church bazaar." "And I got these jeans!" "I'm starting a goatee and thinking of joining a gym." "But is aerobics or weight training the quickest route to "buff"?" "One thought." "Seek help." "You've just had a traumatic experience and you are deep in denial." "You're denying that your extreme emotions even exist." "No, I'm so in tune with my emotions that I moved through them quickly." "In fact, I've logged them all in my journal." "Let's see." ""Awake 5:00 am." "Blissful confusion." "Something's happened, but what?" ""5:01 ." "Ah, yes." "An overwhelming sense of emptiness and despair." ""5:07..." This one's hard to read." "Oh, right. "Wept uncontrollably." ""6:1 5." "All cried out." "Hungry now." ""Ate entire box of Frosted Flakes." "They're gr-r-r-reat!"" "So don't you tell me I'm not in touch with my emotions!" ""9:45." "Get out the butterfly net."" "(Niles) lt's not easy for me to say goodbye after all we've meant to one another." "Jean-Pierre, Marie, Bernard, thank you for your years of devoted service." "Please look after Mrs Crane." "It'll be just you and her from now on." "The staff, they have a question." "Can we come with you?" "Marta, this is a road I must walk alone." " Must be very painful." " Painful doesn't begin to describe it." "But they'll get over it." "Oh, watch that, careful with those." "Dad, he's locked in denial!" "First you get him to move out, then he's not upset enough for you." "I want to see him actually experience some real emotion." "He's walking through this like a zombie." "That's everything." "Shall we?" " There's no hurry." " There is." "I have aerobics at 5:00 then I'm meeting with my decorator at 6:30." "Have I got my wallet?" "Yes." "Have I got my chequebook?" "Yes." "Have I lost my mind?" "I can't leave!" "You're not taking me!" " Niles, open the door!" " No." "Thanks for coming." "I'll tell Maris you sent your best." " Niles, calm down." " No, don't!" "Let it out!" " Don't you ever let up?" " Everything's gonna be fine." "There's no life for me out there." "I don't want to be a bachelor." " Just sit down for a second." " Where, Frasier?" "Here, in the chair that Maris and I picked out on our honeymoon in Vienna?" "Or here, where l sit Sunday mornings playing Mahler while Maris dabs at her watercolours?" "Perhaps here, where we sipped champagne on our last anniversary." "Guess that really was our last anniversary." " Oh, Niles..." " Dr Crane?" " Yes, Marta?" " (Marta) Missy Crane give message." "If you say is all your fault, you no have to leave." " l can stay?" " She waiting upstairs." "Niles, before you make your decision, make sure you're remembering things the way they were." "Yes, you bought that chair in Vienna." "But you wanted to buy the chair in Paris." "Yes, you play Mahler for Maris." "But you hate Mahler!" "Besides Maris, who doesn't?" "Give him a little air." "Along with the good things, there were problems, things you said you couldn't live with." "You've got to stand up to her." "If you back down now, you will go through your life feeling weak and small because you never said, "l will not let you treat me like this, Lilith!" "..." "Maris!"" "I've lost all credibility here." "Dad, would you please say something?" "I told you, I'm not telling him what to do." " l wouldn't mind knowing what you think." " What matters is what you think." "If you walk up those stairs, we'll support you." "If you go out that door, we'll support you there, too." "What are you, nuts?" "You're gonna grovel to her after what she did?" "Actually, I was just going to get my car keys." "But thanks for the impartial advice, Dad." "# Baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# Mercy!" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused" "# Yeah, maybe...but I got you pegged!" "# But I don't know what to do with" "# Those tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# They're calling again" "# Scrambled egg's all over my face!" "# What is a boy to do?" "#" "Thank you!"