"Charlie?" "Charlie, I'm calling you!" "I'm not getting a decent picture." "Do you hear me, Charlie?" "I'm losing my eyesight squinting at this thing." "Clarissa Sanderson has a great big, brand-new 27-inch Zenith." "Clarissa can change channels while she talks on the damn phone." "Mm-hmm..." "Mama always said you'd never amount to anything." "Did I listen to her?" "Oh, no." ""Charlie sells insurance." "Charlie has a future."" "Only, Charlie went and quit his job 35 years ago, and look where we are today." "What is this piece of junk that I found on my kitchen counter?" "Would you please look at me when I am speaking to you?" "Oh, good, I need that." "Thank you, Ruth." "I'm working on a great new invention:" "a universal fastener." "You see, with a flick of a wrist, any door, drawer, or what have you can be instantly secured." "Needs no bolts, screws or hinges." "Can be applied to anything." "And it's so simple, even a child can use it." "Charlie, wake up and smell the coffee." "Your inventions have never worked, and they never will." "All you're good for is repairing broken-down junk." "I want new things that I can break myself." "Something that comes with a tag on it." "Something that comes in a box." "When was the last time we had anything around here that came in a box?" ""Do not open this box." Why?" "I don't know, dear, but we better leave it alone; it's not mine." "It mu... it must've been delivered by mistake." "Give me the box." "Oh, Ruth, please, there must be a reason why it says not to open it." "Oh, leave it alone, dear." "It's only a box." "You are pathetic." "If Medicare wrote you a letter ordering you to kill yourself, you'd do it." "Oh, God, I should've married Richmond." "He wasn't afraid to take chances." "Dear, Richmond's been dead for 20 years." "Yes, and when he died, he was a millionaire." "And who got his money?" "Clarissa Sanderson." "Don't you dare!" "Honey, there may be a bomb in there." "Shut up!" "A piece of junk." "Oh, good morning." "Good morning." "Excuse me." "Um, is this the home of Mister..." "Oh, dear..." "Oh, oh, Mr. Charles Pennywell?" "Yes." "Why?" "I'm afraid I've lost something." "It's of considerable value to me, and it may have been delivered to you by mistake." "Uh, I, uh, you-you're certainly not on my delivery list." "But see, I have a nephew-- uh, well, he's an assistant, really, I..." "Well, he's not a bad sort, but, but young people just can't..." "There's been a terrible mix-up." "And I..." "Well, you have no..." "Well, anyway, maybe you've seen it." "It's a, it's a small box." "It's about this..." "Oh!" "About this high." "It has little brass corners on it, and... and it has little letters on it that say," ""Do not open this box."" "Uh, you haven't seen it?" "Or have you?" "Maybe." "Uh, well, I have to deliver it this Friday." "And you have no idea the trouble I'll be into if I don't retrieve that box." "Unopened, of course." "That goes without saying. I... I didn't mean to infer..." "Would you excuse us, just for a minute?" "Certainly." "Don't you think...?" "Shh!" "Don't you think we ought to give him his box back, Ruth?" "Certainly not!" "There must have been something very valuable in that box." "And somebody must have stolen it." "Now, we don't want him to know that we even have it." "You just let me handle this." "Um, my husband thinks, uh, that he, uh, may have, uh, seen your box." "And I stress the word "may."" "Oh, good." "Very, very good!" "And, of course, he would be happy to return it to you, uh, if he could locate it." "That's wonderful." "Ruth, we..." "Well, you see, but this is... my husband's busy season, and it just might be extremely, uh, inconvenient for him to take the time right now to locate the box." "And I thought, well, maybe, if there were some, um-- well, how shall I put that- if there were some, um..." "Oh, Ruth." "Reward?" "You-You feel there should be a reward." "No!" "Yes." "What?" "Yes, of course." "Well... I'm a very fair man. I... I believe in payment rendered for payment due." "Uh, well..." "and I must have that box back." "Must, must, must." "Unopened, of course." "Of course, that goes without saying, as I said, uh..." "Well, I'd..." "I'd give anything." "Absolutely anything." "What exactly do you mean by "anything"?" "Charlie?" "Charlie, are you down there?" "Oh, my God, Charlie!" "It's almost 7:00." "Here, put this on." "Oh, the living room looks absolutely gorgeous!" "Clarissa Sanderson is going to have a hemorrhage when she sees this dress." "That's lovely, dear." "Oh, I've-l've-l've been wondering about the color." "Do-Do you think it's too limey?" "Charlie?" "No, it's lovely." "lt's great." "Yes, dear." "It is great." "Oh!" "You're right. lt's great." "I look ten years younger." "Oh, Charlie, who would have thought?" "Who would have thought?" "!" "Uh-huh." "Oh, I can't wait to get my hands on this basement." "Dear, I'm really quite comfortable down here, just the way it is." "Oh, no." "When he comes back, we are going to get him to change this into a media center." "We'll have a big TV projection camera and lots of stereo equipment..." "Don't you think we're being a little bit greedy?" "I mean, after all, we haven't even given him his box back yet, dear." "is that fair, Ruth?" "Charlie, there are two kinds of people in this world." "Now, I am a winner." "I think you know what you are." "Yes, dear." "Charlie, please do not embarrass me tonight." "This is my big night." "Don't sit around and talk about your inventions or what you're working on now or what you would have done if somebody else hadn't done it first." "Yes, dear." "Nobody cares, Charlie." "Charlie, my darling, we've got to start living in the present!" "Yes, dear." "And clean your fingernails." "Yes, dear." "And put on a suit." "Uh-huh." "l don't care which one." "Jus..." "Not that charcoal-- you look so seedy in that." "Uh-huh." "Charlie?" "Charlie?" "I knew I'd find you down here." "Yes, dear." "Charlie, we have to get you out of the junk business." "But I love my inventions, dear." "They're not junk to me." "Yes, I heard you boring Mr. Jenkins with it." "You seem upset, Ruth." "Clarissa Sanderson said that my bracelet was ostentatious." "Now, do you think that's ostentatious?" "Oh, how would you know?" "You don't have any taste." "I think everyone loved your bracelet, dear." "And did you see the way she looked at me when I passed the caviar?" "Who the hell does she think she is?" "It's definitely ostentatious." "She's probably jealous." "Well, of course she's jealous." "Oh, my God, my feet are killing me." "Dumb, vicious woman." "I don't think she meant to be vicious, dear." "Are you defending Clarissa Sanderson?" "No, dear." "You never stick up for me, do you, Charlie?" "is that because you're a weak-willed man, or do you hate me?" "I don't hate you, Ruth." "Does Clarissa know that you're not any fun?" "Does she know that you never want to go out dancing or that you don't like meeting new people?" "I'm gonna tell you something, Charlie." "If you don't start shaping up, I may have to leave you." "Now, that is not a threat." "That is just a cold fact of life." "So you just remember that the next time you stick up for Clarissa Sanderson." "That's right." "Just walk away from me while I'm still talking to you." "I've come for my box." "I hope I haven't come at a bad time." "He came for his box, Charlie." "I know, dear." "Have you found his box, Charlie?" "Not yet, dear." "Louder, please." "Not yet, dear." "He's still looking." "Oh, well, I don't mind waiting." "Uh, go ahead, look away." "Just pretend I'm not here." "It shouldn't be hard to find." "It's a little box." "It has, uh, brass corners." "And letters on it that say, "Do not..."" "Why don't you come back next week?" "Next week?" "Oh, no, no, no." "Next week won't do at all." "If I don't get that box back by midnight tomorrow night-- unopened, of course, that goes without saying-- there'll be..." "you-know-what to pay." "In the meantime, I'm sure you won't mind discussing" "a few little problems." "Problems?" "Let's start with the bracelet." "I mean, it's big enough, but it's a little ostentatious, don't you think?" "Ma'am, this bracelet belonged to Marie Antoinette." "Used jewelry?" "Well, no wonder." "I only wear new." "And there are nicks in that silver service upstairs." "is that secondhand, too?" "That's been in Henry Vlll's family for generations." "Well, I am certainly not going to eat off a dead person's silverware." "This is highly irregular." "I'm a fair man, but you must realize there is a limit." "Now, and about the sable-- l don't have my monogram inside." "I mean, Clarissa Sanderson-- she has her monogram embroidered right inside the lining." "Oh, that makes it so much more special, don't you think?" "And I want to talk about redoing the basement." "Now, we don't have to talk about it right this minute, but we sort of had in mind a media center..." "Ah." "Coffee?" "Yes, thanks." "No cream or sugar." "Uh, I'm watching the weight." "This machine has been chugging along for 35 years without a single complaint." "Sort of like me, you might say." "Careful, now. lt's hot." "Oh. lt's never bothered me." "Isn't there something you need, Charlie?" "Your wife has had a lot of requests, but I don't remember you asking for anything." "Oh, I don't need anything." "Oh, we all need something." "Wouldn't you like to be young?" "I mean, a lot younger." "You know, pretty girls, fast cars." "Yeah?" "I'd like to invent something that could be useful to others." "That's sort of my dream, you might say." "Nice." "Very nice." "Charlie!" "I'm sorry about your box." "I don't even know where it is." "My wife won't tell me." "I'd give it back to you." "I really would." "Oh, I..." "Well, well, well." "Look who's here." "Hello, dear." "We've been waiting for you." "Everything's here." "I hope you approve." "We try to be fair." "What-What is this?" "It's an electric drill." "Every craftsman's dream." "That's sweet of you, I'm sure, but I don't think we'll need it." "What else is...?" "Oh." "I hope you like it." "Well, I'm not sure." "I think I'll have to live with it a while." "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am." "We don't have much time." "I'm not very happy with the Formica in the kitchen." "There are ugly seams around the joints." "Clarissa Sanderson has that ColorCore Formica." "I'm sorry." "This won't do at all." "I've been a fair man and a patient man, but I would like that box, and I would like that box now." "And I would like you out of my house." "Charlie, call the police." "If you're going to be that way about it, I suppose you leave me no choice." "Out of my house-- now!" "You weren't very nice to him, Ruth." "Charlie, you make me sick." "What is that?" "It's a notice of repossession, Ruth." "He's taking back everything." "You believe everything you read?" "This isn't worth the paper that it's written on." "He's nothing but a bluffer." "I knew that the minute I laid eyes on him." "What is it?" "What's happening up there?" "I did try to be fair, Charlie." "I want you to know that." "Charlie." "There's nothing left." "It's all gone." "All our beautiful new couches and the p... and the paneling in the kitchen-- it's all back the way it used to be." "Take a look in the mirror, Ruth." "Oh, my God, it's not fair." "My hair, my clothes... my bracelet." "My elegant bracelet." "Where is that box?" "Where is that box?" "Ah!" "Here." "Here's your box." "Now, we kept our end of the bargain." "I trust that you'll keep yours." "This box has been opened." "Well, I took one little, tiny peek." "I mean, it only took a second." "I looked inside, and l-l-l saw that it was... was empty." "I don't know what all the fuss is about." "There was something in it, all right." "A thing more valuable than any possession on earth." "A human soul, delivered to you through some strange quirk of fate." "And you want to know what all the fuss is about." "My, my, my." "We're really very sorry." "I'm afraid "sorry" won't do." "I'm afraid... you'll have to supply a replacement." "Proper payment for payment due, of course." "Replacement for what?" "I think he means our souls, dear." "You want our souls?" "One will suffice." "We're not greedy." "Let me see-- l have to be in Washington at 3:00." "There are always a lot of pickups in Washington." "And then Moscow at 4:00." "Moscow's always a backbreaker." "And Tripoli, Tehran..." "Uh, why don't I put you good pe... you people down for midnight?" "Charlie, if you ever in your life did anything right, do it tonight." "Well, it's all straightened out, and you're not going to believe this." "You remember I couldn't understand why you weren't on my delivery list?" "Well, my nephew checked." "You're on my list, all right, but you're a pickup, not a delivery." "Go." "I can't, Ruth." "Oh!" "Of course." "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain." "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's possessions." "Thou shall not kill." "Of course, you were a pickup." "It makes sense." "Oh, I feel so much better." "Now, hold still, and you won't feel this a bit." "Oh, you'll be so pleased, dear." "It finally works." "If it's working now, it'll break, Charlie." "And if it doesn't break, nobody'll want it." "And if somebody wants it, somebody else will already own the..." "What are you doing?" "Stay away from me with that thing..." "No!" "No, Charlie!" "Charlie, please!" "Stay away from me!" "Oh, God!" "No...!" "And it can't be opened?" "You'd have to destroy that box before you could open it." "The boss'll love this." "Good-bye, Charlie." "Oh, I hope you don't mind my dropping in at you at this hour, but as I was taking this lovely devil's food cake out of the oven, a little voice said, "Take this right up to Charlie."" "Why, Clarissa Sanderson, you come right in here." "Oh, my." "But this is a cozy room." "And so, this is your workroom." "Uh-huh." "I love a room that looks lived-in." "is this the desk where you do all your work, Charlie?" "And, oh, my, look at those shelves..."