""Pilot"" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Can you hear me?" "Oh, damn it." "Come on!" "Some people call this the middle of nowhere..." "You know, one of those places you fly over on your way from somewhere to somewhere else, but you wouldn't live here." "Folks, right now we're flyingover the great state of Indiana, if you'd like to take a look." "Well, look down next time, and you'll see us down here in the middle" "Orson, Indiana, heart of the heartland, proud home of Little Betty Snack Cakes, the demolition derby for the homeless and the world's largest polyurethane cow." "So how'd I end up in the middle of the road in this getup?" "Here?" "No." "Bars!" "I got bars." "Guess it all started a couple of weeks ago, and no, I'm not an actual superhero, not unless you count getting my kids out the door for school every morning." "I made breakfast!" "Come on, we're late!" "Let's go, let's go!" "That's my youngest-- Brick." "You know how you think giving a kid a cool name will make him cool?" "It doesn't." "Okay, now listen." "Today at recess, I don't want you wandering around alone on the perimeter, all right?" "Makes you an easy target, you know?" "Like--like the gazelle that gets separated from the pack." "You've gotta find yourself a group of kids and just stand near them." "You know you're my hero, right, Mom?" "Thank you, honey." "Eat your pancake." "It's still frozen." "Well, lick it." "It'll last longer." "Hey, Mike, have you seen that envelope with my driver's license from the DMV?" "I need it for work." "Why is this place such a mess?" "That one over there would be Axl." "Since he hit 15, he hibernates in his room and only comes out to paw through our food and shoot off sarcastic comments." "Oh, we're out of chips." "Nice job, Mom." "Yeah, I can't hear you if you don't have pants on." "Mom, where's my homework?" "Uh-huh!" "Okay." "When did this happen?" "Mike, look at this." "Look at this." "This is--I haven't had my driver's license picture taken in seven years, okay?" " Mm-hmm." " Here's the old one." "Look at this." "What happened to me?" "Uh, well, back then, you were all young and shiny and wondering what your life's gonna be." "And now..." "Well, now you know!" "Mom!" "Hey, come in here if you want to talk to me." "Axl, put some pants on." "Here." "Okay, maybe it was just a bad picture." "I mean, yikes." "Mike, does it ever bum you out that I'm not young and shiny anymore?" "Well, sure, honey." "It's a huge bummer, but what are you gonna do?" "Oh, shoot!" "I wanted chips for my lunch." "She didn't buy any." "Sue, grab a pancake." "We're late." "That's Sue." "She's been going through a bit of an awkward stage... for the past 13 years." "Mom, the dryer ate my leg warmers again." "I told you, you can't put wet things in the dryer anymore." "Well, I need 'em, 'cause guess what?" "I'm trying out for show choir this week." "I know, I know" "That's not an expression parents should have on their faces when their daughter tells them she's trying out for something." "But see, Sue had a long history of things she tried out for" "A long and..." "painful history." "Show choir." "Wow, super." "That--that should be fun to try out for." "Now listen, Dad's gonna fix the dryer again, but right now, I just need everybody to go." "Let's get out the door." "Come on." " Let's go, let's go!" " Mom." "That driver's license picture was a big wake-up call from the DMV." "Somehow the life had been sucked right out of me." "But who or what had sucked it?" " Mom, he's not giving my bag back!" " Mom, Mom, Mom." " Mom!" "Mom!" " Mom." "We did teach 'em the word "Dad," didn't we?" "We're a two-job family." "Mike manages a bunch of boneheads down at the quarry." "Oh, for cryin' out loud." "And my latest job I'm too smart for, is selling cars at Orson's last surviving car dealership." "Well, well, well." "What a month, huh?" "Frankie, don't let him intimidate you." "He may be the king of sales around here, but he's been rejected by the Elks Lodge twice." "I'm not gonna say by who." " It was me." " Really?" "I told them that he's a pedophile." " No." " Yeah." "He's not." "He's not a pedophile." "He's not." " Wait, Bob." " What?" "Okay, this check can't be right." "This is lower than the amount I spent on gas to get here." "Ain't nothing wrong with the check, Frances." "That there is your base salary, and that's what it's gonna stay until you sell a car and get a commission." "Now one week left in the month." "You sell a car, or you may be out on your keister." "Yeah." "Yeah." "I, um..." "but listen, I mean, my keister's having a little cash flow problem right now." "I may not have sold a car yet, but I've come real close." "See that buck up there?" "He came real close to not being hit by a bullet." "You see what I'm saying?" "By the way, did you ever get a new driver's license?" "We gotta post them, and that old one didn't look a thing like you." "Oh, yeah." "Now that's you." "I see myself as kind of a matchmaker for people and vehicles, and I just have a feeling about you and this little cutie." "Why don't we take it for a test drive and" "Frankie, you have a call on line one." "Your son's school is on line one." "Hurt, or just in trouble?" "'Cause if it's just in trouble, can you ask him if I call him back?" "Yeah, this is Frankie Heck." "Is everything okay?" "You said you were gonna pick him up." "No, you said you were." "I even put a post-it on your thermos." "Is that what that means?" "There's birthday cake in the break room." "It's angel food." "Feel that?" "Uh, take a left right here." "Pretty smooth, huh?" "That's 150 horsepower." "And did I tell you about our recession deals?" "Oh, get in the right lane and pull over, pull over, pull over!" "Quick, quick!" "Get in, get in, get in!" "Brick, honey, how do you like those seats?" "They're amazing." "They also come with optional leather trim and preferred suede inserts." "And if you buy today, I'll throw the inserts in for free." "Mom, are you crazy?" "That's a $600 value." "At least you're still my hero." "Aww, thanks, pal." "I made dinner!" " Thank you." " Sure." "Hey, Underpants, you think you're too good for us?" "We are a family, and we are going to eat together as a family." "This is Dancing With the Stars." "Okay, quick, let's hear about everybody's day." "Mine sucked." "Next." "Well, ahem, I'm trying to decide what number I should do for my show choir audition." " Oh, my God." " What?" "Does it really matter what song you pick?" "'Cause there's no way you're gonna make it." " Mom!" " Mike." "Axl." "You know, your brother's just trying to say you should just choose whatever you want." "Now me, I like a quick-song." "Quick, leave 'em wanting' more." "You have a meeting with my teacher on Monday." "What?" "It's imperative that you both be there, she says." "Imperative!" "Who's he whispering to?" "Why does he do that?" "I thought I told you to knock that off." "I like it." "It soothes me." "Okay, what teacher's meeting?" "I didn't even get a note." "Oh, my God, you're so weird." " Mom!" " Mike." "Axl." "Yeah, well, from what I can tell, it is Monday." "Okay, we both work Monday." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Did I tell you Hank at the quarry found his finger today?" "Oh, really?" "That's good." "Mom, Dad." "Are you guys disappointed in me?" "You know, 'cause I never make anything?" "Oh, sure I'm disappointed, hon." "This is, like, the 12th thing you've tried out for." "I mean, I love not having to go to the events." "I'm thinking maybe I won't try out for show choir... if you guys don't think I should." "Of course she shouldn't." "Show choir in Indiana has always been huge." "Next to basketball, its combination of singing and Broadway-caliber choreography is the most cutthroat competition around." "I didn't want to see her get hurt, but then I looked at her young and shiny face not beaten down yet by busted dryers and mean bosses with guns..." " Go for it." " Hmm?" " You really--you really think so?" " No." "Dad?" "This could be your year." "Okay!" "Cool." "We are so screwed." "Brick is a very quirky child..." "Maybe clinically quirky, even." "We have no idea what you mean." "We knew exactly what she meant." "Happy birthday to you!" "Mrs. Rettig, Mrs. Rettig, I want to tell you something funny I did the other day." "Well, that may be because you haven't spent much time here in the classroom." "Are we supposed to?" "I mean, isn't that the point of school" "That between 8:00 and 3:00, he's your problem?" "If he, you know, eats his napkin at dinner, we don't call you and ask you to come over to our house." "Look, I would love to spend more time here, but I work." "I'm at work right now." "Brick's a very bright boy, but we feel he could benefit from a series of more formal tests" "Okay, look, Brick isn't your typical kid, but he is funny and sweet and probably a genius." "Okay, so he doesn't fit into your cookie-cutter mold." "But that doesn't mean that he needs fixing." "Our oldest son had a completely pointed head until he was six." "Like a candy corn." "And so what, we got some funny looks when we took him to the mall?" "You know what we did about it?" "Nothing." "And eventually, it just flattened out all on its own." "I think what we're trying to say here is, thanks for your concern, but our Brick doesn't need any special anything." " He's fine." " Mm-hmm." "His best friend is his backpack." "I just hope he's weird enough that our insurance covers it." "How happy are you with your car?" "First a busted dryer, now a busted kid." "I needed to sell a car now more than ever." "And if Ehlert caught me sneaking in and out, he'd nail my keister to his wall." "Mr. Ehlert was looking for you, Frankie." "Where you been?" "Here." "Right here." "Just, uh, working with this fine woman who's interested in this fine car." "Actually, I am interested in this car." "Get outta town." "But I was just wondering if a convertible is too wild for me." "Are you kidding me?" "Wild on the outside, but dependable on the inside." "Yeah, you know what?" " I consider myself a matchmaker" " Frankie, call on line one." " For people and vehicles..." " It's your husband." "And you look like the type of person" "He sounds pretty mad." "He's at Axl's school." "He needs you to go back and pick up Brick." "Oh, come on!" "No, he is supposed to pick up Brick!" "Axl is at football until 5:00!" "Tell him to read his damn thermos!" "Oh, look, look, I can always come back another day." " No!" " No, I'm a mom, too." "I know what it's like." "All sales personnel, the doughnuts are here." "Now you're suspended for three games?" "What the hell is the matter with you?" "What did he do?" "He called his football coach a moron." "You always call him a moron." "He called for a bomb on 4th and 1." "You think you're some sort of a big shot just 'cause you play ball?" "Well, the smart-mouth attitude goes today." "Whatever." "That's it!" "Go to your room." "No, wait." "You like your room." "Go to Sue's room!" "Moron." "Damn it." "If only he had, like, a car or a TV or a cell phone-- something good we could take away from him." " I know." " Mom, you're my hero." "That's nice, honey, but we're trying to think up a good punishment for your brother." "You'll need a costume." " Costume." " Huh?" "I'm doinga book report on Superwoman." "You have to come dress like her Monday so I can show and tell you as part of my project." "You can also come as Jungle Girl, but I'd have to do it today." "Damn it, Brick, you've gotta tell me these things earlier." "I did!" "I've been telling you all week you're my hero." "Didn't you listen?" "Whatever!" "Honey, okay, listen." "I'm sorry." " Honey, come back here." " Oh, let him be." "What is happening?" "I used to think I was a pretty good mom, and now..." "God, I really-- I don't know." "Hey, come on." "You're a great mom." "So Brick is weird, and Sue has no recognizable talent, and Axl's flushing his future down the toilet." " All kids are screwed up." " Yeah, not the Donahues across the street." "No." "Those kids are awesome." "I know." "I did it." "I made show choir!" " You did?" " Yeah!" "You sure, honey?" "Is it actually written down somewhere?" "Yes, yes!" "And they already rotated me in, so I gotta learn everything super quick for our first competition this Friday." "Oh, my God!" "This is huge!" "Oh, honey, that's great!" "I'm so proud of you." "Thanks, Dad." "All right, well, I'd better get my homework done, because I am going to be so busy." "Either Sue does have some talent, or we have one crappy show choir." "This called for a celebration." "Sue, I'm just so proud of you." "I never thought you'd make anything." "Here's a dollar." "Thank you!" "Hey, come on, everybody!" "It's getting kind of cold." "We should all get inside and eat together as a family." "Move that bus!" "Oh, my." "And now, ladies and gentlemen, fresh from their knockout performance at Hoosier Village Assisted Living in Terre Haute..." "The Orson Swingsations!" "[ SONG:" "Get This Party Started ARTIST:" "Pink ]" " Do you see Sue?" " No." "Where the hell is she?" "She's on the crew." "What?" "Oh, that's great!" "The only thing lamer than show choir is being on the crew for show choir." "Where's Sue?" "She's in the--the middlish row behind the pregnant girl." "Why didn't she tell us she was only on the crew?" "I don't know." "She does look real happy, though." "That's my daughter-- That's my daughter right there." "Go, Sue!" "One more." "One more." "Sue, the box." "The box." "No wonder my face looks the way it does." "The Swingsation disaster got Sue kicked off crew." "So when Brick said it was the day of his book report..." "Today's the day of my book report." "I was at the end of my rope." "But what could I do?" "I was the no-show mom whose kid's best friend was his backpack." "I put on my spanx and went." "Anybody call for Superwoman?" "That's next Monday." "Okay, okay, come on." "Back to the story." "Hi, Bob." "Frankie." "Yeah, it's me, Bob." "Listen, that Gail woman-- She came back to purchase a car." "She's looking for you." "But that dummy Pete" "He's moving in for the kill." "He's plying her with snow cones." "I don't think she can hold out much longer." "She's on her second grape." "No, no!" "That is my customer!" "Listen, don't let her move." "I'm gonna be right there, okay?" "Damn it." "And the braking system is just, like, so great." "Because it, you know, like, it stops really well, and it's got this, I mean, integrated steering wheel that-- that, like, you know, you turn it, and--and honk if people get in the way," " and it just" " Frankie, are you okay?" "You seem a little... stressed." "Oh, no." "I'm fine." "I'm perfect." "Uh, where was I?" "Oh, the horn!" "You're going to love the horn." "Listen to this." "Isn't that great?" "I am a matchmaker." "Did I mention that?" "For people and, um, wait." "See?" "Isn't that fabulous?" "You know, I'm a mom, too." "I know what it's like to balance work and kids." "I've got three." "I've got three, too." "Isn't it hard?" "It's really hard." "I'm just stretched so thin." "I feel like I can't do anything right." "Oh, I know." "Some days, I swear I just feel like getting in the car" " and driving and driving..." " Yeah." "And never coming back." "Do you ever feel like that?" "Only every day!" "We made it!" "Yeah!" "Pedal to the metal, baby, all the way!" "What was that?" "What was what?" "I think we hit something." "Is something wrong with the car?" "Maybe you'd better check." "No, I'm sure it's fine." "I--no--yeah, no, no." "I'll check." "Okay." "Okay." "Yeah, I don't see anything." "Hey!" "Sorry!" "I got three kids in jail!" "What?" "No, wait!" "You're not gonna get away with this!" "I've got your license back at the office!" "Oh, I bet that's not even her real license." "Yeah, the picture was too good." "Somebody call for a ride?" "Rough day?" "That's the thing about family." "Oh sure, they eat your food and wreck your face, you gotta save them a thousand times a day, for God knows what." "But every now and then, they save you." "Not pretty fast for a superhero." " Are you okay?" " Wow!" "Nice tights." "Look at you." "Look at your mom." "Mom..." "Here with your dinner." "We made it." "You make it just like I do." "I love you, guys, you know." "We know, Mom." "Hi." "How come you never tell me you love me?" "I told you I loved you the day I married you." "If anything had changed, I'd let you know." "So, yeah..." "Back then on the old license, you know what my life was gonna be." "And Mike's right." "And I know..." "this is my life." "It's not gonna be in People magazine or anything, but you know what?" "I got it good." "You have a meeting with my gym teacher on Friday." " Friday." " Knock it off, freak." " Mom!" " Mike." " Axl." " Dad." " Frankie." " Axl." "Wait, who are we yelling at again?"