"FANTOZZI STRIKES BACK" "Translated by Cristina V. Dumitrescu" "In April of every year, selections were made for jobs at the big company." "Selections were made based on recommendations." "Threats and blackmails towards elimination of potential adversaries." "All of these initiated and continued by the big director" "Bastard and Jerk, Dr. Baranbani." "Remember gentlemen, to always be dishonest." "To be disloyal to your colleagues." "Not to have disinterested friendships." "You must use blackmail." "Flatter as much as possible." "Lie often." "Only like this, you will succeed." "If you do not follow these rules, this will be your future." "Fantozzi !" "The retired Fantozzi was called by the company to make these demonstrations." "For how many years have you been under our rule ?" "For ever, I was born an employee." " How did you start ?" " As a fool." " You didn't do anything special to deserve more ?" " No." "For example, did you ever prostitute yourself to further your career ?" "Not even a small bribe, nothing ?" "You didn't spy at all ?" "At least an anonymous letter." "I wrote one once." "And what happened ?" "I was crucified in the meeting room." " Why ?" " Accidentally, I signed it." " If you are brave, tell them !" "I'll tell, but what should I say ?" "That you are a s....." "I am a stump !" " You are a sh......" " An orange !" "Don't drive me crazy." "Say it !" "Say that you are a sh....." " You are a sh....." " A shit !" "I am a shit !" "Shit !" "Pina !" "Pina !" " But what are you doing, Ugo ?" " I am a shit !" "Flush !" "But the release came from an unexpected person ." "His niece Uga." "Every Friday, he went to pick her up at ballet school." "They had more free time." "The daughter Mariangela and son-in-law Bongo." "Are you the grandfather ?" " Which one is yours ?" " The one in white." " What do you think ?" "That one is my granddaughter." " Is she yours ?" "You know, they are all so much alike..." "All." "Yes, all...." "Look, what a toad !" "A toad, a snake." " Hello !" " It means it's your granddaughter !" " No, no it isn't." " She said... grandfather !" "She said : no, no !" "She isn't... my girl." " Grandfather, I'm hot." " Damn, and it's so cold !" "You see that ?" " I want to tell him something." " Who told you to take it down ?" "Listen to me, where are you going ?" "Help, help !" " Where is she ?" " Who ?" " My daughter, the ballerina !" " She is my granddaughter." "Her name is Ughina." "Who the heck are you ?" "What a pretty girl !" "Give her an invitation." "Monday, come meet me." "Uga is a pretty girl." "She will be an actress." "I never though that...." "What is this ?" " Cold soup with rice." " Yes, with rice." "From yesterday." "I've been thinking that the girl is pretty and smart." "Did I tell you ?" "He told me I am beautiful and smart." "She is not like Shirley Temple, but has another style." "You remember that black one, Arnold, from the TV ?" "They said he was a midget and he became an international star." " That is a monster, Ugo !" " And our granddaughter isn't...." "School will also be a problem." "She has already repeated first grade twice." "And in the studio environment, there is the danger that she will lose her head." "I've been wishing to lose my head for a lifetime." "I want the girl to have all that I didn't." " What did you miss, Ugo ?" " I missed everything." "Life didn't give me anything." "Instead of living as I did until now" "I could have become a different man." "To turn my life around." "To have money, fancy cars." "Even actresses." "The girl is not mine, she's not yours." "Let's phone her mother." "Of course I agree, I've also had dreams of being an actress." "I can't hear you because your daughter is making noise." "Stop !" "I have to let you go, We are going for dinner at the Baobab." "How is Ughina ?" "Ciao !" "Fantozzi started taking action." "Look !" ""Faucet" style !" " How do I look, grandfather ?" " But you can't see a thing like this !" " You can't see my granddaughter's body." " Better." "You're right, it's better like this." "You know, I am a bit worried." " Nothing to worry about." " It's very important to me." " All this will change my life." " Of course." " Excuse me, what is this thing ?" " It's a test polaroid." "Don't move, smile !" "What happened ?" "Did you take it ?" "hhh, hhhh, puo..." " I don't know." " It looks like it spit something out !" " Keep all the little girls here." " Parents and grandparents, all on this side." "Faster, hurry up." " Everybody inside, maestro." " This, not." "This not, this not." "This neither..." "There she is !" "It's her !" "Leave." "Get all the girls out." "Hurry up." "Come with us." "Let's get your costume ready." " You are this thing's parents ?" " Ugo !" "Wait, I'm the grandfather." "I'm her grandfather." "I'm the girl's grandfather." " This is the standard contract." " Which one, this ?" " You must sign for the minor." " Of course, I'm her manager." " Excuse me." "I'm here if you would like to ..." " What the hell are you doing here ?" " They are the photographers." " Come on, sign !" " I'm not signing anything in this darkness." " Let's go over there, there's more light." "What are you doing there, madam ?" "Get out !" " And me, what should I write here ?" " The grandfather of the principal actress." "You know that little square with stars ?" "Write : grandfather of the actress and accountant Ugo Fantozzi." "Fine, Mr. Fantocci !" "With your granddaughter, we'll save on the stunts." "We don't need to replace her in the dangerous scenes." "What do you mean dangerous ?" "What can be dangerous in filming ?" "Now what, you want to back out ?" "What have you got to lose ?" "To write Ugo Fantozzi !" "Come on because we start filming, Ugo !" "What's the movie name ?" "Planet of the Apes, part five." "Take two !" "The planet... is part of a series..." " Mama !" "I'm hungry !" " Yes, my love." "Our granddaughter must play the role of a monkey, Ugo !" "No, no... our monkey, I mean..." "Which monkey ?" "It's the monkey's daughter." "Fathered by an american astronaut." "It's a cross." "A hybrid." " Is the food ready ?" " Come play for a bit." "I'm hungry, mom!" "What are you doing ?" "You ruined my movie." "How dare you ?" "Let me explain." "My wife had a racism fit." "I am going to go to the Society for the Protection of the Animals." "How is this possible, Pina ?" "When I finally have a chance to become someone..." "You ruin all my success." "Success at your little girl's expense." "How is that ?" "What's wrong, grandmother ?" "Are you crying ?" "My grandmother is crying because I don't want to continue." "Grandfather, why aren't I smart ?" "You are very smart, that's what that gentleman said too." "You would have been perfect for that role." "I want you to grow up as a normal girl." "Give a paw, give a hand..." "Another reason for outrage, he found in the mailbox." "Excuse me !" "Pina, Pina !" "Employee Paoletti from house no. 7." "Pina, an important message for you." "Your husband was named civil judge." "Did you hear ?" "Pina, you are the wife of a civil judge." "This is a process against the mob." "Against some criminals." "You know this could be an imprudence." "Imprudence is bringing down this country." "It used to be an honest country." "Come on, let me help you." "Do you know where the wigs are ?" "Who knows anything about wigs ?" "I meant to say..." "Good-bye !" "It's dangerous to go to court against the mafia." "I know this." "But I want all this to be over." "What the hell are you doing ?" "I'll show you." "Where is it ?" "It's here." "I'll put it all back right away." " Stop..." " Ugo...." "Wait, stop !" "Hello !" "Excuse me !" "Could you tell me where the judges' room is ?" "Mortacci Ugo !" "Go !" "Only you were missing." " How did you decorate yourself ?" " In civil judge." "Fantozzi's decorations :" "A magistrat's robe, from Pina's grandmother." "An English judge's wig made from wool from a mattress." "A balance with two plates borrowed from the grocery on the corner." "Go upstairs with the others." "What do you call this?" "Miss Italy style or like in the syndicate ?" "Illustrious colleagues..." "In the name of the state, which called us to represent it..." "Mafia's power is great." "It has powerful men." "Only combined forces can help justice win." "I invite you to an exercise of severity and rigour." "Do you agree ?" " What are you doing ?" "Going in or not ?" " Not me..." "I...." " Where should I sit ?" " These are your colleagues." "In the name of the law, I want to inform you that here the mafia will be disassembled." " In the room !" "Let's start the meeting." "Let the defendants in !" "Quiet, move it !" "Simmer down, stop !" "Who are the defendant leaders ?" "Compare before this court, Trinacri Avito aka Cutthroat." "Trinacri Asaro aka Sweetname." "Messina Alfio aka Superlie." "Mesini Salvatori aka Killmother." "They are accused of complicity to crimes of mafia nature." "Bodily harm." "Butchery, torture." "Cannibalism and other penal infractions." "Did you hear ?" "He said cannibalism." "You're not getting intimidated by this ?" "Pina !" "Where are you ?" " Did you see how wonderful it is, Ugo ?" " Yes !" "We also have a sicilian baby carriage." "They said there are gifts too." "Who sent all these ?" "Dear Mr. judge Fantozzo, these are products from the beautiful Sicilia." "Signed, a group of friends !" "What the hell are you doing, Pina ?" "This is corruption !" "They got the wrong address." "Help me clean up !" "They didn't understand that judge Fantozzi cannot be bought." "Even if they send to my home, nicely wrapped gifts." "Got it ?" " Even this type of pasta ?" " Pasta ?" "I haven't eaten this one before." "Stand aside !" "I cannot be bought by any means." "I'll show them who I am !" "Starting today, they will understand what I mean." "Isn't it so that I am a real civil judge ?" "They'll see who I am." "Thanks for preparing my bath, Pina." "Attention, Ugo !" "The swordfish !" "Stand aside, let me throw it here." "Mama mia, what pain !" "O God, mama mia, what pain !" "Fantozzi's acquaintance !" " Who are you ?" " You're messing up !" " Who ?" " You're not very popular." " You don't even know me." "Judge Fantozzi, is popular." "And I am solid as a rock." "Clear ?" "In the house there is an offer waiting for you which you cannot turn down." "Who can't turn it down ?" "Pina !" "Where are the gifts ?" "Where are they ?" " Do you like it, Ugo ?" " Don't even try it on." "Get it off quickly !" " It must be burned !" " No, no !" "Finished." "Let that teach them a lesson." "It was from Mrs. Canto, I was supposed to mail it." "I think it was synthetic which is not even worth wearing." " I'll pay for it." " It was made of jaguar." "Authentic." " How much does it cost ?" " 20 million." "There go 20 million." "OK, we'll pay for it." "But I still get the satisfaction of showing that they can't buy me." "with any gift." " Honestly Ugo, they sent you another gift." " Another ?" " But only one ?" " Stop, it's a tiny one..." " Take at least this, they'll get upset..." " Who ?" "You know they are jerks." " What did you say they are ?" " Jerks !" "Nobody can accuse me of being persuaded by a piece of cake." "What are you saying, Ugo ?" " Eat it, it will refresh you." " Ok, I'll eat it !" "What is this ?" "This was the gift which cannot be turned down." "Imbecils !" "I'll break him !" " Destroy him !" " Ugo...." "Let me !" "Where is he ?" " What are you looking for ?" " Get out of here !" "You'll see...." "Nothing happened." "Get me something to grind it with !" " A mixer, something.." " That was for the garlic !" "Excuse me, this is a gift from the gentlemen over there..." "The honourable society went from one attempt of corruption to another." "Knowing that Fantozzi, after commissar Catani's death, wore black for 4 months" "They put in his bed one last warning." "A live octopus !" "Stop it, Pina !" "What got into you ?" "Stop." "What do you want ?" "What's going on in your head ?" "You're amazing !" "What a surprise, Pina !" "Pina, Pina !" "Pi..." "Pi..." "Are you here ?" "Yes, Ugo, I'm standing guard !" "So that no one comes in !" "So then, with whom was I..." "Wait a minute." "My God...." "Who was it ?" "No...." "What's going on with me ?" "I have become an aquatic sexual maniac !" "No." "I should say, only aquatic..." "In this process, it's nothing serious." "Maybe it was suicide..." "Excuse me, how could it be a suicide, with the genitals in the mouth ?" "Suicide, a contorsionist...." "Did you hear ?" "Contorsionist suicide !" "I don't worry about it anymore." "I'm afraid only of the horizontal revenges." "That they finish off my wife." "Or violate my daughter." "It means they don't stop only at ...." " I was violated yesterday evening." " Violated how ?" "That's why I accepted to keep going." "I was violated." "Once, twice, three times" "Four times, five times, six, seven times, eight times, nine..." "But didn't you consider taking a break sometimes ?" "I could break, but I will not give up." "Did you see how much ...." "I present you your new colleagues." "They are honest people !" "They will replace our deceased colleagues." "One got unlucky and killed himself." "The other quit inexplicably because of some car troubles." " What do you mean inexplicabile ?" " Inexplicabile !" "I confess that I am terrorized." "I'm afraid of the horizontal vendetta !" "I fear for Ughina." "I was thinking that you could keep in the house a gorilla, two gorillas..." "What am I saying ?" "What is this ?" "What does it want ?" " Watch out so it doesn't run away !" " What happened ?" "What do you want ?" "Get her on the trunk !" "Move it !" " Help !" "Put me down !" " Shut up, or I'll beat you !" " You violate her !" " Let me go, ugly pigs !" " Help, father ?" " O, how is this ..." " I can't take this anymore." " Help, father...." " We have to violate somebody, what do we do ?" " The father, he's better than the daughter." "Yes, you're right." "That's what we'll do." "Get him !" "Mariangela went home untouched." "Fantozzi bought a chastity belt." "He took as an escort, a night security guard." "He proofed his car with six tons of iron." "But his path took him over catacombs..." "Judgement day finally arrived." " Guilty ?" " Guilty !" "Guilty !" " My opinion is that they are not guilty." " How come ?" "We have witnesses !" "A potter." "The potter deals with dirt." "They are innocent !" "I find them innocent too." "They are white as doves." " What doves, they killed ...." " Even she agrees." " Isn't that true ?" " Yes, it is." " As you wish." "They are innocent." " Did you hear ?" "Four of them say they are innocent." "It is four against four." "For me they are guilty." "If they are freed, who will violate me from now on ?" "You are the one that can change the verdict." "Say : guilty or not?" "Who ?" "Them ...." "I mean ..." " They are innocent." " You say innocent too ?" "Then who killed that man in that bar ?" "Who bombed that bar ?" "Answer !" "Who ?" "Who ?" "It was me." "I confess !" "Call the stenograph !" "I admit to everything." "I set the bomb." "I killed and massacred." "After six months in jail, Fantozzi was released." "He was diagnozed with a mental instability." "Ciao, Ugo !" "As such, Pina marched him to the insurance hospital." " Excuse me, where is the bathroom ?" " I don't know, I'm sorry !" "That's ok." "What is his disease ?" "He looks pale." "Very pale." "Excuse me !" "Where is this office ?" " Thank you !" " Good afternoon, professor !" " Good afteroon !" " I came to ..." " Yes, let's see what we have here !" " Well, Mr. Fantossi !" " Fantozzi !" "What was that, Mr. Fantossi ?" "I understand, Fantozzi !" "Sit down." " Where should I... ?" " On that bed." " Everything is better now." "Right ?" " Yes, yes !" " Why aren't you looking at me ?" " Who ?" "Relax, be brave !" "Are you relaxed ?" " So say, Mr. Barierozzi..." " Fantozzi !" " I'm 52 years old." " Well, 62 years old." "Now, tell me everything that is on your mind." "I am here." " You're practically alone." " But there's continuous traffic through here ..." " So me... everything that's on my mind ?" " Yes, first thing." "Come on, be brave !" "The doctor wrote three notebooks." "Fantozzi confessed all the intimate details of his life." "Even his height complex." "You can get up." "But all these people ..." "After I've told you everything, what do you say ?" " What, I didn't understand ?" " One can say that I am a piece of shit ?" " He said he is a piece of shit." " You shouldn't use that word." " But others called me this word." " You shouldn't listen to them." "I will take your advice, and when I leave here I'll take apart all those that ..." "That is the last thing that you should do." "You shouldn't take revenge." "You must be satisfied with yourself." "To accept who you are." "But in this way, I will never succeed to get rid of my inferiority complex." " You don't have an inferiority complex." " Really ?" "You ARE... inferior !" "Bravo !" "That's true !" "Fantozzi was pondering over the psychiatrist's advice." "He found someone to teach him how to become a true lion !" "Who is the asshole who is disturbing me ?" "I'm the accountant that must get his diploma for your course." " Come here !" " Allow me ..." " Salut !" " Who is it ?" "Start the course !" "Lay everything on the table !" "It was a hooligan that stayed behind in Italy since '90." "Rejected even by his mother land, he remained in Italy." "He flourishes his talent by giving courses of agression." "And violence." " I took out everything." " What an ass !" " Why an ass ?" " You disgust me !" "Yes, that's true." "Your clothes disgust me !" "Take off your accountant coat." " Excuse me, wait !" " Take everything off." "Take off this white shirt and the tie which hold you back." " Everything, naked you are even more disgusting." " Wait !" " But you tore my pants ..." " Sit down !" "Aia, oi, oi, oi oi...." "What a terrible pain." "Aia..." "Ok !" "I finished the tattoo." "Come !" "Move it." " Wonderful !" " What a horrible experience." " What did you write here?" "You can't make it out." " Of course." "You'll see in a second." " Only you will understand it." " Better." "Every morning when you look yourself in the mirror You must say ..." "I love Fantozzi." "And I hate everybody else." "Excuse me Dr. Urican, but...." "There's a small mistake." "My name is not Fantocci..." "It's Fantozzi !" "With a double "Z"." " Yes, double 'Z'." " Excuse me for a second !" "That's true, that's true." "What are you doing ?" " Ok." "Are you ready ?" " What are you trying to do ?" " To fix the mistake." " No, I was wrong." "I love myself as Fantocci !" " My name is really Fantocci !" " Now, get dressed." " Excuse me, you don't have a box, a bathroom... ?" " Shut up !" "I'm ready to explode." "I have a bladder pressure of 1 atmosphere." " Keep it shut !" " Like a dog." "Let's see..." "Excuse me for a moment !" "Where did you go ?" "I'm here, reading something about your practices..." "I must write you a few notes ..." "Aia, aa... just a moment !" "To extract... the mutilated out of here ..." "Remember I told you it was like that ..." "Now it's zero." " Come on !" " Come on, come on....." "Now let's see if there is anything else ..." " Lesson number one." " I didn't quite understand ..." "You're going to go inside that store." " You will steal a stereo." " I'll steal a stereo..." "Steal a big portable one." "Mine broke down." " And you couldn't get it fixed ... ?" " Are you scared ?" "Have a beer to get courage, I'll drink one too." "Should I drink a beer too... ?" " What is it now ?" " I swallowed the tab." "Am I going to be ok ?" " Stop it..." "But who cares ?" "Now we'll go in... ?" " You go in." "I'll be here." " You'll stay here ?" "I have to go alone." "I'm going." "Excuse me, may I.... no." " Shit." " Yes, I got it...." "I'm tipsy, Dr. Hooligan." "I'm completely disoriented." "Look at him !" "A hardcore theft." "They're all pale in fear." " Let's go !" " Get going, you're driving !" "And you thought I wasn't practical ?" "Let me tell you, doctor, I'm very practical." " Let's get out of here !" " What are you doing ?" " You stopped the engine !" " Where are you going ?" "Stop." "You forgot your warranty, receipt and change." "Do you want the transaction copy too?" "What are you doing ?" "You bought it ?" " The had a big sale." " You bought it !" "Yes, mister, there are also two bonus batteries included." "Good-bye, and thank you !" " There are two bonus batteries." " Eat the batteries !" " Eat !" " I'm not very hungry right now ..." "The lessons for property vandalization lasted a whole week." " Today you'll break the chandelier." " Who's gonna do that ?" " You're gonna do it." " But I have no reason to." " Marvelous !" " Yes, marvelous !" " Aim well with the slingshot." " Even better, you hold it." " I don't know how." " Learn, it's easy." " You set the steel ball here." " Do I have to eat this one too ?" " No." "Put it here." " I put it here..." " Aim and pull." " I'm pulling, pulling..." " More, more." " More, more !" "Pull !" "What the hell, you make me sick !" "For violence towards passengers, they took the inspiration from a movie." "But Fantozzi's train, instead of leaving, was just pulling in." "It stops here ?" "But will leave shortly..." "What's going on ?" "What are you doing ?" "Wait a minute." "I'll explain everything." "Help, doctor !" " Who is it ?" " It's me, Ugo !" "Ugo !" "O, Lord !" "What happened ?" "I had a rough day..." " Come, let's wash you with boric acid." " No !" "You shouldn't touch me." "I must continue to learn." "I have to study." "Tomorrow I have an exam." "I have to start studying right away." "I'm finished, I can't go on." "And that guy won't give me my diploma." "And what does this exam consist of?" "It consists of...." "Me robbing an old lady." "How old ?" "An old geiser." "I have to go and rob her." "What if that old lady was me ?" "I'll disguise myself, I'll bring a cane." "Would you do all this for me ?" "If this is important for you, Ugo." "It is important." "Stop worrying about it, I'll get you through this." "They organized everything down to the smallest detail." " What is it ?" " Go !" " Which one is it ?" " This one." "You must get her purse." "This isn't my Pinacia, I mean ..." "She hasn't got a penny on her." "You can see it from here." "There she is !" " Then, get going !" " I'm off !" "Ugo, I'm over here !" "In order to convince his teacher, Fantozzi filled up Pina's purse with all their life's savings." " Please, stop !" " We'll meet again, Fantozzi !" "Another one of destiny's errors ..." "Fantozzi robbed the grand Barambani who was disguised as an old lady in order to spy on a swiss school." "After the tragic incident, Fantozzi was brought in front of the jury of ten." "Get up, Fantozzi, You don't belong there." "Really ?" "!" "Pardon me, but you're not bothered by what happened ?" "On the contrary, congratulations !" " Grab a seat over here !" " Here ?" "You've shown an unexpected strength." "The jury apologizes for its mistake." "All these years, we didn't appreciate you for your true value." "But there's still time to remedy this." "We are offering you a position of responsability." "With unlimited career opportunities." "But because you've now joined our privileged circle..." "We offer you an honorary membership to our polo club." "The first invitation is for Wednesday." "To polo, they invited me to polo !" "But Fantozzi, understood the pole." "And came prepared with a dog sled." "Supplies for six months and a red tent." " You have a strong sense of humour !" " Who ?" " Why ?" "Excuse me, but when you said polo, I didn't understand, the north pole or the south one?" "You'll get far, Fantozzi." "Fantozzi's career :" "Director Wolf." "Man." "Son." "Of Bitch." "He had in his arsenal :" "Secretary in mini skirt," "Business cards in calf leather." "And a company car with a driver." "Level two :" "Director Dr. Ing." "Great Asshole, Man Of Shit." "Two secretaries in bathing suits." "Four cell phones." "Business cards in cobra leather." "A luxurious limo with a gay driver." "Level three :" "Dr. Eng." "Bastard." "Certified Thief." "Four topless secretaries." "Business cards of human leather made from the non-unionized." "Personal helicopter." "And three assistants for the briefcases." "Since he received the carriage pulled by two pairs of white horses" "He was as a master of time" "And found himself in a new position of qualification." "Genuine scarecrow." "Big head of str..." "Excuse me, but what's...." " Pardon me, what are you doing in my office ?" " Who are you ?" " What do you mean who am I?" "I am Fantozzi !" " Fantocci !" " No." "Fantozzi !" " Fine, fine..." " Is this your signature ?" " Yes, that's mine." " Come here, come here !" " Where ?" " How about this one ?" " It's mine !" " Well !" " And this one and this one too ..." " This one here too !" " Get over here." " And this one ?" " Wonderful !" " And this one here ?" " It's mine." " Then, you're responsible for everything !" " Yes, I signed everything here." "Everything, got it ?" "Here, this, that..." " Then, you're coming with us..." " What happened ?" " What am I accused of ?" " Fraudulent banking." "This time he obtains the diagnostic:" "complete ignorance." "But also because the defense lawyers used in his defense his memoirs authored by his wife Pina with the purpose of influencing the judges And which the publishers turned into a best seller." "A strong argument especially for for the female audience." "I'm from the "Peace" paper, may I ask you a few questions ?" " Ugo !" " Here in front of the prison gate." " Kiss the loser, madam !" " I'm kissing him..." "Let's get a photo with the book !" "Look over here, loser !" "Let's get one with him holding the book too." "Stop, that's enough !" "Why are you smiling ?" "Put on the face of a loser." "The title was set by the publisher." "Excuse me Pina, but you've told here to everybody even he incident with the octopus." "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "Fine, you didn't mean to hurt my feelings." "I get it !" "But here you make me seem like a monster, like a sexual maniac." " Like one who does it with octopodes !" " To demonstrate your naïvety." " Your candor !" " But you're not demonstrating my naïvety." "You're only demonstrating your indifference." "And that nothing about me interests you." "You understand ?" "You weren't even jealous !" " Of an octopus, frankly, I am not." " But of the Prince of Darkness, are you jealous ?" "With whom should I go to make you jealous ?" "With a Hungarian breed horse?" "Maybe like that you would be a little..." "Go to sleep, turn off the lights." "Calm down." "I'm not sleeping." "You go to sleep." "I can't sleep !" "Stop it." "Sleep !" "Everybody will see me from now on as the octopus maniac ...." "What's it like to be happy with a loser ?" "What a great title, Mrs. Congratulations !" " Fantastic !" " And now be frank." " How did your husband take all this ?" " Well." "Very well !" " Really ?" " My husband has all the faults in the world." " But he is a special man." " Then, why didn't he join you today ?" " Yes, why ?" " He was also invited !" "Because he doesn't know how to speak in public." "He's shy." "Come on, say it !" "He's a dumb ass !" " He's a very humble man." " In conclusion, a mediocre man." " I didn't say that." " But you wrote it !" "Let's not beat around the bush, madam." " The success of this book.." " Just say it, he is a shit !" "The success of this book is equal to the number of mistakes of your husband ?" " Exactly !" " Excuse me, madam !" "And now as woman to woman After everything you wrote about your husband..." "Do you still love him ?" "I respect him very much." "Aren't you afraid that the success of this book may have negative effects ?" " No, no !" " Absolutely, on the contrary !" " Everything is clear." " Yes, quite clear !" " Everything is easy." " Yes, quite easy." "I ask you to reflect on this decision one more time." "You've been married for 35 years." " For 37 !" "Your honour." " Too many." "There's nothing more between you two ?" "Physical attraction..." "Your beautiful daughter, grand-daughter..." "They seem adorable." "Look at them !" "Think about us, father." "Do it for me !" "For us !" "It's better like this, my darling." "I think I've made my decision." "I think he might be right." "I might not have been the ideal wife for him." "It's clear that I didn't help him." "I didn't stimulate him enough." "She didn't let me live my life, your honour." "She's always done it." "The last time she made a fool of me in front of everybody." "Maybe he would like to start a new life, your honour." "Sign here !" "May I still sign, Pina Fantozzi ?" "As a first step on his road to a new life" "Fantozzi decided to pursue an old feeling that he couldn't forget." "For this he requested the help of an old friend and colleague." "Bad omen Filini !" "Where are you Fantozzi ?" "Don't be shy." "Get out of there." "Come here !" " What are you doing there, accountant ?" " What do you mean, what am I doing here ?" " You hit me with the drum and..." " Get up, get up !" "Listen, are you sure of what you're doing ?" "You've just divorced one woman and you're hooking up with another ?" "But this isn't just any other." " It's miss Silvani !" " Who ?" "You don't remember who was miss Floor #4 ?" " Don't shock me !" "Should I call them ?" " Go ahead, call them !" "Come out !" " What are you still doing down there ?" " I didn't go there on my own accord !" " You got me with the..." " What the hell is down there ?" "Look they're here." "Come on, over here !" "You hit me with the drum !" "Such romantic music !" "Puo !" "But..." "Excuse me for a moment !" "About the lyrics." "The lady is a bit..." "My lady is a bit wilted." " You don't like this song ?" " Yes, but right now it doesn't fit." " Let them sing a livelier one !" " Yes, yes !" " Let it be a love song." " I'm on it !" " Excuse me, Filini !" " Fantozzi !" "This song is about death." "Specifically it's going on about the woman's death right about now..." " You don't like this one either ?" " It's horrible !" " Then they'll sing another !" " She had one glass eye....." "Go to hell !" "Did you hear what she said ?" "That was a clear invitation." " Would you like a happier song for dancing ?" " Yes, a dance one will do." "Wonderful !" "She wants a dance song." "Dancing !" "She's dancing !" "Ole..." "Excuse me, but again these lyrics..." "Come here." "Tell them to shut up." "She's going to...." "Is that you, Fantozzino ?" "Hello !" " Who, me ?" " Not me !" "Hello !" "Mrs. Silvani lived for a long time with suicidal thoughts." "After dozen of attempts..." "She decided to hang herself with a rope taken from the institute of human relics." ""The Dying Saint"." "sees in Fantozzi a desperate last refuge." "and decides to stick to him as a shell to a rock in the ocean." "Who is it ?" "It's me !" "Ah, it's you, Fantozzino !" "How are you, miss !" "?" "Thank you !" "Thank me for what ?" "For the beautiful serenade !" "I hope you didn't..." "I mean that I hope you didn't get upset because of Fonelli." "Me ?" "On the contrary." "I found it unusual, curious, peculiar." "I'm used to these." "Last week I had a whiny one." " Boring !" " How... ?" " Sit down, please." " Where ?" "Would you like something to drink ?" " Give me something strong." " You're incorrigible." "Miss, maybe you didn't know" "But I never forgot you, not even for a second." "And I would like you to know that..." "For me it meant a lot." "It was something that turned my life around." "At this time, I'm a man who is fully available." " That witch of the wife of yours died ?" " My wife ?" "She's alive and well." "We are getting a divorce." " I'm here to take a poll." " Interesting !" " Are you available, miss ?" "More available than this...." "I mean..." "Available, available...." "A woman like me..." "Is never available!" "Never !" "I'm sitting on something that is bothering me." "What is this ?" "It's my puppy's leash." " He's by himself all the time." " Why don't you kick him out?" "I'm so disorganized !" "I was telling you that among other things I have half a relationship." " Only half." " A gentleman !" "One offered me everything." "And I mean everything...." " Starting with a wonderful house in the country." " Lucky you !" "And us, where will we live, Fantozzi ?" "Now wait a second......" "For the time being, we'll all live together" "At Filini's house, the architect !" "You know him ?" "He's a swell guy." "What did you say ?" "Why do you come spin my wheels with these shit serenades ?" "I'd have to live with you and that Filini loser?" "Get the hell out of here !" "Miss... !" "I'll also be buying a house in the country." "As always, Filini finds a solution to the issue." "He found Fantozzi, a great real estate deal." " Are we there yet ?" "I'm exhausted." " What's wrong ?" "Now this is beautiful !" "What a landscape..." "Isn't that so, Fantozzi ?" " And this house where is it ?" " We're almost there." "Through here..." "The above mentioned area was the sole still standing even after the blessing by the pope." "And even withstanding Mussolini's strictness !" " What's going on?" " I have a strange feeling...." " Wait, are we sinking ?" " Yes, just a little...." " It's nothing, settle down, miss." " How should I settle down ?" " Settle down, it's nothing serious." " Help !" "Come, come !" "We'll laugh about this later !" " Just watch out for the ones that suck blood." " What, the ones that suck blood ?" " We've arrived !" "This is your new house !" " What ?" " But this is a church !" " It was a dedicated house !" "This used to be a place of pilgrimage." "It was a place for Christians." "I renovated it and it became inhabitable." "This is the business you made!" "You can't anymore." "I gave them the downpayment." "Look !" "Look how nice will be your nest." "What are you doing, Fantozzi ?" "I heard a noise and ...." " Are you coming or not ?" " Open that door already !" " Excuse me !" " One, two, three four !" "One, six, seven, eight....." "Listen Filini, I don't deny the solidity of this business..." " But could we lose the down payment ?" " Lose what ?" "I left my house because you said you have a villa !" "Villa or not, let's go in !" "Don't do that, miss." "I'll fix everything !" "You know what I'll do ?" "I'll bring you home." "Where should I go ?" "Where ?" "Don't be mad Filini, the house is beautiful." "If she doesn't like it, I...." "There's a bell too." "How wonderful !" "Did you see ?" "We could use it instead of a regular electric one." "Excuse me, but you understood that it was reconditioned..." "But of course !" "Visitors come, they pull on the rope." "Try it !" " Me ?" " Yes, pull the rope !" "I'm not a bellman !" "Now I'll pull down on the rope..." " See, it doesn't ring !" " Pull with both hands." "Pull already..." "Of course it couldn't ring." "It was empty inside." "Listen how beautiful it rings now." "Excuse me, Filini !" " Where is the little room, for...." " What little room ?" " I need to go to the bathroom." " There." "In the bell tower ?" "It wasn't respectful to do it in the church." "Fantozzi !" "How beautiful it is inside!" " Careful with that huge thing..." " I wanted to see what it sounds like." "Where is miss Silvani ?" "She went to take care of a little business..." " She went to the little room..." " Where ?" "Little ladies room...." " Get up !" " That's it." "I can't take it anymore." "I'm out of here." " Now, when will everything be ok?" " What is ok ?" "There's no more bell." "It was outdated anyway." " Miss !" " What is it ?" "Did you see how it changed the outside look !" "?" "In your honour, I will name it vila Silvana, Silvani !" "Did you understand the colour game Silvani, Silvani." "In my honour !" "You see, miss..." "It's a sign from above." "Come on, little doves." "Did you understand what he meant by "Little Doves"...." "Come on, Climb, please !" "Climb !" "Climb, miss !" "You won't carry me over the doorstep like a bride, Fantozzi ?" "Like this, hold her in your arms !" "How did it go ?" "I can't remember." " One, two, three 9 and..." " What the hell..." " Can't you look where you're going ?" " What are you saying ?" "You're not italian ?" "Easy, Fantozzi !" "Home, sweet home !" "Fantozzi decided to look for a new girlfriend" "Using the latest technology." "My tongue is a little dry because I'm nervous." "I would like one younger than my wife One like this, with....." "She should be very young and ...." "The computer will pick her." "After this, you will need to answer some questions." "What is your zodiac sign ?" "Me..... after...." "Favourite song." "Orieta Berti with the wonderful song "Because the boat goes by" !" "To give the computer the necessary information for creating a profile as accurate as possible..." "Fantozzi underwent a terrible inquiry." "comprising of 1800 questions." "They even needed his somatico-biological data." "One....." "It reads three..." " It reads twenty." " Twenty !" " But here there's no reading !" " What do you mean, there's no reading ?" "Let's magnify the area !" "Let's magnify again." "Excuse me !" "But you can see something." "It's visible." "Right ?" "Get off !" "Your examination is finished !" "We think we found your match." " What match ?" " Your perfect woman." "We will give you all the details about the meeting." "For 15 days, Fantozzi has terorrized the agency with his phone calls." "And finally the computer found his match." "The meeting point was set in the orange tree garden." "The lady's nickname was, "Shy hope"." "His was, "Rambo 39"." "The recognition sign was to wear a red carnation on the chest." "The computer hadn't taken into account that..." "At the same time, in that very spot" "The yearly socialist women's meeting was taking place." "He was ready to leave, when......" " Rambo 39 ?" " Yes, it's me !" "But it's you, Pina !" " You are "Rambo 39" ?" " And you are "Shy Hope" ?" "I also tried to start over, Ugo." "You know, Mariangela has insisted a lot." "In computer terms, you are my perfect match." "And you are mine." " How much did you pay, Pina ?" " A million." "And a million from me." "For a couple, two million." "Thieves !" "You know Ugo, if you are not happy with what the computer picked..." "If you're looking for something better, I quit." "What are you saying there ?" "The computer is never wrong." "I'm hopeless." "No !" "I meant..." "I can't find a better one." "No." "Just a second." "You are without a doubt, unique for me." "The best pair." "Are you sure, Ugo ?" "You were so unhappy with me." "No, Pina !" "I was unhappy with myself." "If you accept me as I am I will accept you too." " OK." "Should we go home ?" " Let's go !" "I'd still like to ask you one last thing." "What do you feel for me ?" "I respect you very much, Ugo." "To the sea....." "OK, let's go !" "Translated by Cristina V. Dumitrescu"