"The headlines tonight" " NATO annulled after delegate swallows treaty..." ""I'm so sorry, " yells exploding cleaner... and bearded cleric in oily chin insertion." "Those are the headlines." "God, I wish they weren 't." "T op gits tonight - news presenter sacked in attempt to sell house to David Owen... 75,000, would that be enough, do you think?" "..and spiders will never speak, insists ambassador." "I should be very surprised if they did it in public, and I should be equally surprised if they did it in private." "There's growing evidence that suspects held in police cells are being eaten by police." "This report has that story." "Four men vanish overnight from a Reading police cell." "The next detainee complains of a drain blocked with blood, and fat on his floor." "A drunk man in Chatham has his arm punched full of holes." "He says the police tried to fill his arm with garlic." "Just part of a muscular body of evidence that, say activists, proves suspect-eating is on the increase, and that the increase is getting rapid." "The best evidence of all is this - a 'Bow Street Bastard' - a special truncheon, used for beating suspects, which tears out cubes of flesh small enough to fry." "Activist Harkon Peddy says this is just one piece of evidence" " from a list in his head." ".. and it's nonsense." "Unexplained disappearances from police cells have doubled in the last year." "Records show suspects are regularly smeared in oil." "But police say this is just standard practice for young offenders." "Campaigners are calli ng for i mmediate action." "Without it, they say, thousands of suspects could be eaten tonight by panicking policemen." "It's Just been announ..." "Thanks." "It's Just been announced there's to be an enquiry into the Froom shipping deal, which flew to pieces last month amid accusations of gross ministerial misconduct." "Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane." "He's Just prised him out of an emergency meeting." " I'm with Mr Crane..." " (CHRIS) Everything I Just said comes spewing back out of your stupid face..." "Mr Crane, choppy waters for the government?" "Not at all, Peter." "This procedure was entirely proper, and the enquiry will prove that the government's handling was entirely proper." " So the government's ship back on course?" " Absolutely." " Back to you, Chris." " What the hell was that?" "!" "This man's made a big-scale cock-up!" "Let me speak to him." "Put your earpiece next to his head and stand still." "Minister, there's reason to believe that you lied to the House." "Well, that is a very serious and unfounded allegation, and I will be making a statement to the House next week." " A week is a long time in politics." " Rab Butler." "Shut up, Peter." "Minister, did you lie to the House?" " I will make a full statement next week." " It's a simple question." "Did you lie?" " I, um..." " As the Minister for Ships sprawls on a pin, it's back to you, Chris." "No, it isn't!" "He's about to admit to lying to the House!" "You've let him get away!" "Where's he gone?" " Over there." " Well, get him back!" " He's in a cab." " Peter!" "You've lost the news!" " What are you going to say?" " Sorry." "Look like you mean it!" "Look down and say sorry." " I'm sorry." " Next time you cross the road, don't look." "Sorry!" "Travel now from Valerie Sinatra a mile above the centre of Great Britain." "Valerie, talk me some road." "Well, you're gagging for it, Chris, so here goes." "The M4 between Reading and London is solid." "That's due to a lorry driver having shed his skin, so watch out for oily patches." "The M40 southbound still slow due to that earlier large accident." "Police should have finished bagging and labelling everything by midnight." "Meanwhile, mobile vehicle crushers are in operation on Cardiff's red-line routes." "If you're illegally parked, they'll crush your car to the size of a satsuma." " I love satsumas." " So do I, but I wouldn't like to drive one." "I bet if you did, you'd do it really well." "Finally, the capital, which is London." "Worse than ever, I'm afraid." "Lots of cars being slowed down by their own lights." "So your fast, speedy sports car no use to you tonight, Chris." "Thanks, Valerie." "Alan, she's certainly one for a fast car." "She certainly is." "I prefer something more comfortable myself." "With me, Alan, it's comfort and speed every time." "A fast car's a safe car." "In the States, we drive slower than you guys." " Actually, slower cars are more dangerous." " So we should get rid of the speed limits?" "(EVERYONE ARGUES)" " Now the sport with Alan Partridge." " Thanks, Chris." "It's a special desk of sport, as we look forward to the action that will take place in this year's World Cup finals in America in "Alan Partridge's World Cup Countdown to '94"." "Goal!" "Yes..." "Yes..." "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes..." "Yeeeeess!" "That was a goal." "Goal!" "Striker!" "Eat that!" "And another!" "Bing-bang!" "Stick it in!" "Thank you and goodnight!" "Twat!" "That was liquid football!" "Er..." "Shit!" "Did you see that?" "He must have a foot like a traction engine!" "Goal!" "Well, it's going to be three weeks of non-stop action, and to help us, and add a bit of fun to the proceedings," "I've got with me a soccermeter." "What's that, Alan?" "Well, it's very simple." "It's to explain the group system." "Now, first of all, all these long arms here, these long signposts, are the venues - Dallas, San Francisco, Los Angeles and so on." "If you look at me from above, you can see that...this is the group system." "The..." "It's 14 groups - A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M..." "N - and there are four rounds, the red round, yellow round, blue round and red round again." "That's my colour coding, not FIFA's." "That's Just with me." "So, that's the basis of it, and as you can see they get progressively le...fewer - towards the centre, the ultimate goal being the World Cup." "All right." "Let's take an example." "OK, round one" " Ow!" " is Pasadena." "It takes place between Chile and Paraguay, something like that." "And then through to round two." "Which is..." "Let's say San Francisco..." "Not got much time..." "San Francisco goes through to Orlando." "So let's take it round to Orlando there..." "Just move those out the way..." "Where's San Francisco?" "Where's...?" "San Francisco, where is it?" "There it is." "Right." "San Francisco played Orlando, and then we're through to round three, Los Angeles." "It's not... (CHUCKLES) It's not written on that side." "It should be, but it's bloomin' not." "And then whoever wins.... the-then we're through to the final of the World Cup." "Who's that going to be?" "Goal!" "The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding, in this case... is a football." "Boof!" "Eat my goal!" "The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt!" "I 'm Alan Partridge." "That will be my World Cup '94." "You can come, too." "Join me!" " Thanks, Alan." "More sport from you later?" " Absolutely, Chris." "We'll have Sandy Lyle..." "America." "If you have a baby there, you may get a surprise when they "yank" it out." "Barbara Wintergreen reports." "San Spirito, California, where Americans keen to brood but too busy to breed pay for a prosthetic pregnancy." "This is a Natus, a plastic disk implanted inside the womb, which gives the sensation of labour without being sentenced to children." "There she is." "Can you see her at the top?" " Say hello." " Hi, honey!" "Oh!" "The cervical substitute is the brainchild of doctors Bill McVitie and Mortimer Marcus." " Starts like that, ends up like that." " (BARBARA) Within the woman's body?" " Absolutely." " Comes out like this." "Whoo!" "At this fallopian factory, people come for a credit-card conception." "The price includes labour and delivery, and there's a hefty surcharge on the discharge." "Among the thousands of parents forking out for this flexible foetus are Anton and Lally Sampson." "We've worked hard." "We've given him his own room." "He's got his Bon Jovi posters, Sharon Stone, the Red Sox..." "But divorcing Americans are causing courtroom chaos in custody battles for their beloved disk." "And outside the Natus Institute, Women 's League protester Thea Peachman" "leads a womb vigil against synthetic siring." "I believe you've been smashi ng Nati." "Yeah, we have Nati smashing to try and de-encouragize the women who come here thinking that they want this when they do not." "They should remember that they are women and they have a right to live and breathe!" "That's the beauty of the Natus." "If a woman wants the pain, if she wants to scream, she can." "If she Just wants it to pop out like..." " A bar of soap?" "..then she can have that option, too." "So, this is one reproduction line where plastic and placenta go hand in hand." "Barbara Wintergreen, CBN news, at the Natus Institute, California." ""The Day Today" - because fact into doubt won't go." "We've Just heard that areas in three of Britain's cities are being evacuated due to suspect dogs." "Police believe it's the start of a campaign of dog bombs threatened by the IRA." "This report from Eugene Fraxby with the story reports." "Oxford Street in London, with three policemen and a knotted tape barrier." "A stray dog was spotted here an hour ago and everybody ran out." "Police then isolated the area containing the dog and told the public to clear off." "Later, they located it and conducted a controlled explosion." "But as the remains were being taken for laboratory tests, a second dog ran out from the crowd." " The police had no choice." " (GUNSHOTS)" "It was over in seconds - a dog and three people dead from guns." "Being old, they would have died soon, anyway, but the dog, which contained no explosive at all, was shot to ribbons in its prime." "By six o'clock this eveni ng, a monument had been built, marking the end, perhaps, of the relationship between man and dog, which today went from this..." "..to this." "(CHRIS) The only way to neutralise bomb dogs is to spray them with resin, which hardens instantly to contain any explosion." "The inside of the dog is destroyed, but the outside stays the same shape." "However, if the underside is not covered, a highly directional blast launches the animal to a height of over 1,000ft." "Coming up - new explosive suss laws mean any domestic dog is now a potential hazard... ..and an eyewitness who was caught up in more bomb dog chaos." "..one policeman I saw went... (SLOW MOTION) Noooooo!" "Moooooove!" "One guy was running away..." "Foom!" "Foom!" "Foom!" "Uuuurgh!" "Then he caught him between the eyes." "It was horrible." "Foom!" "Um..." "That was as much as I saw, really." "Seven more dogs have gone off in the last ten minutes." "Eugene Fraxby." "The four hounds exploded in central London without warning within yards of government buildings." "The prime minister put on a brave face, but for many, like Tory whip Peter Goodwright, the time for calm words is over." "..an absolute (EXPLOSION) disgrace." "These inhuman shit-for-souls (EXPLOSION) have no place here." "In my considered opinion, they are (EXPLOSION)!" "Journalist David Mellor added little of interest... ..insolent contempt for public opinion..." "For Junior Health Secretary Paul Mann, words alone could not express his anger." "Police are on the alert again this evening and have cordoned off a man in Piccadilly." "It's believed he may have eaten a suspect dog last night and could now go off himself." "Si nn Féi n have denied they are backing the campaign." "Earlier, I spoke to their deputy leader, Rory O'Connor, who under broadcasting restrictions must inhale helium to subtract credibility from his statements." "So, what's your initial statement?" "(SQUEAKILY) These incidents are inevitable, given the government's position." "You support this campaign, then?" " The IRA are forced into this position." " So, you support this campaign of violence?" "The IR..." " Sinn Féin is a legitimate political party." " Which supports terrorist action." "Your tone is antagonistic and you're making me angry!" "Since that interview, all sides have had a meeting and have sorted everything out." ""The Day Today" is now available in these fine locations." "The night sky over Paris, the International Hackenbacker building in Chicago, the wall of Cheops' pyramid at Giza, and the handles of 400 million petrol pumps across the globe." "The huge success of the BBC's soap opera "The Bureau" has spread to Italy." "(ITALIAN VOICES SPEAK)" "They've got a daytime discussion show there devoted to it." "It's called "Bella Buretti"" "and its stars are the wagging tongues of hosts Carmena Zo and Porcazina McRae." "(SPEAK ITALIAN)" "So much for the EuroBureau." "Meanwhile, back in Britain, the nation holds its breath tonight for the 2,000th edition." "(THEME MUSIC)" "Guy!" "Quick!" "Get him into the bureau de change!" "(GASPS)" " Who did this to you?" " I didn't see." " I'll get them." "I'll get these evil-doers!" " No, Alex." "Violence solves nothing." "Why did they do this?" "Just because I'm gay." "I'm gay." "I'm gay." " What?" "!" " (ANGE) It's Guy." "He's been attacked!" " I know." "What did you say?" " I said I'm gay." " You're fired." " What?" "I'm warning you." "If Guy goes, we all go." " Yeah?" " (ALL) Yeah." "Go on, then, walk!" "The lot of you, walk!" "People are queuing up to work in this bureau de change." "Right." "Right." "I'm going." "Me, too." "And I don't even work here." "Yeah, go on." "You go, an' all." "Just you remember what you said!" "Maria!" "Maria!" "I would see myself as an individual human being... needing salvation... receiving it through the work of Jesus Christ." "Does "The Day Today" come into this at all?" "Well, how can it not?" "It is day-to-day." " Every day "The Day Today"?" " Every day." " For you?" " Yes." "And with a bit of luck, for all these people?" "That's what one prays for." "You would like "The Day Today" for all these people?" " Er..." " If your prayer was answered?" "They should each enter into an experience of personal salvation." " Which would include "The Day Today"?" " Well, how could it not?" "I don't know what kind of salvation wouldn't include the day-to-day." ""Enviromation", from me, Rosy May." "An international ban on the hunting of waves has finally been introduced." "Waves have been used for centuries to pull cars in small countries, but are now facing extinction." "Over a million specially farmed waves are to be released into the wild this winter." "Man has finally harnessed the cooling power of worms to drive a fridge." "The worms inhabit a piping system, cooling everything as they go." "Cramming in more worms lowers the temperature." "Worms." "I ' m Rosy May." "My mi lk is green." "Come dri nk me." "Tomorrow, the Home Office release a series of videos designed to help young people." "They're produced in association with "The Day Today"." "This is the first." "(ROCK GUITAR)" " Hello, I'm Graham!" " I'm Crispin!" "Today we show you how to deal with a relative who's Just died." " Oh, look." "Dad's dead." " Bugger!" " Hello, Dad!" "Are you dead?" " Right." "You'll need some vinegar, an oven glove, two ping-pong balls, Frish..." " Books..." " Some butcher's grass..." "Superglue, some bungee, a salad spinner and a chisel." "# One chilly chisel and a packet of Frish, please!" "#" " First, embalming." " A cup of vinegar..." " Shoe polish on the wrists..." " And inject the corpse with Frish." " Now he's ready for the coffin!" " But don't forget...wash your hands!" "# It's the end ofyour dad as you... #" "Now he's unburied..." "Now he's not!" "Lever up a nearby paving stone..." " Scratch on the name..." " # Write the name on the stone" "# So people can see what's in the ground #" "..and make way for the priest!" " Stick your chisel in your salad spinner..." " Plunge it into the mound..." "Flowers!" "(BOTH) Sorted!" "Unless, of course, you're a Muslim." "Muslim!" "Muslim!" "# Yeah!" "#" "Now with the rest of the news, Chris." "Thanks." "It's eight o'clock, this is "The Day Today"." "The main stories so far - Libyan leader Colonel Gaddafi has plunged southern Europe into crisis by kidnapping Crete and towing it to a secret location off the Libyan coast." "Crowds in Tripoli welcomed the news, a delighted Gaddafi waving like a girl." "Libyan tugs stole Crete at two o'clock this morning." "At first, the natives were able to haul it halfway back, but then they lost grip." "The island was towed away and hidden underwater." "The Li ncolnshi re vi llage of Fladney is recovering from a gravity quake, when the Earth's pull was reversed, sending everything not secured onto the ground over a mile into the air." "The quake struck at 4.30 this afternoon." "These pictures were taken by Paul Cork, when he fell up into the roof of a shed." "This man survived by clinging onto a boot scraper." "Others were not so lucky." "I was playi ng football with my cousi n." "He Jumped to catch the ball and Just kept going." "His cousin later rained back onto the ground along with 4,000 other villagers." "The American space shuttle Endeavor 4 sets off tonight on its special stunt mission." "Once in orbit, it will hurtle towards a ramp and leap over a line of 12 other shuttles." "It returns to Earth tomorrow afternoon at half past three." "Ti me now for Brant, the physical cartoonist from "The Daily Telegraph", to bloody the noses of the great and good." "Mr B, make us smile about the bad things in the world." "This week, I've been looking east, where Chris Patten, like King Kong, has made a monkey of himself over Hong Kong." "(WAILS)" "An old man stands naked in front of a mirror eating soup." "He is a fool." "`Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot." "A brilliant man, and a surprisingly nice one, too." "It's easy to tell if somebody's dead, but how can you tell if you're dead?" "Some people have lived to tell the tale... in a short film we've made." "Hello, Aiden." "Lucy Turner-Warwick is a boxing trainer in High Wycombe." "She had a near-death experience when in a coma induced by a pupil." "(LUCY) I learnt later that I had actually died." "My heart had stopped for a few seconds." "I could see a tunnel and, at the end of that tunnel, a very bright light." "I was aware of a figure standing at the end." "She led me into an open-plan office, and at the back was a little separate office." "She beckoned me towards it." "The door said "God"." "There was a man, a friendly man, in a suit, with grey hair." "I sat down, and we chatted a bit." "He was very Jokey and Jolly, and I remember a little sign behind his head " ""You don't have to be mad to work here but it helps" - so he had a sense of humour." "Anyway, then he pointed to another man in a suit, with a beard, and said, "That's my son ", and he laughed and said, "It's a family firm. "" "It was very friendly, but all very boring." "I 'm afraid that these people who talk about out-of-body experiences are congenital liars." "(REPORTER) Chanticlier Guardsley is Professor of Psychosociology at University College." "He is a sceptic." "We have a catalogue of examples of hospitals manufacturing out-of- body experiences, whereby they attach patients to wires and actually lift them up towards the ceiling, therefore creating in the patient a feeling of literally lifting out of their bodies." "(REPORTER) In laboratory experiments, scientists artificially created near-death experiences in mice." "They fired hungry mice against a wall with a specially calibrated gun." "Food was placed on a shelf above the comatose mice." "If they had a soul, it would leave the mouse's body, float upwards and eat." "The results show that afterwards, the mice felt as if they had just eaten." "More proof was provided by the out-of- body experience of Leslie Sourfrat." "(SOURFRA T) I could see myself coming out of my mouth as vomit, but it was as vomit in a dress, and then I woke up and I was a woman." "(MAN'S VOICE) I began my experience as a man, but I left as a woman." "Something definitely happened, but..." "I don't know what." "(REPORTER) How do you explain the case of Keith Philips, who returned from his out-of-body experience as a woman?" "He didn't." "But we filmed it." "There's an awful lot of evidence to show what happened." "No, there isn't." " Do you believe in God?" " Oh, yes." "And I liked him." "I like him..." "I love him... but I don't...want to go and..." "I don't want to go and work for him." "Not yet." "An optimist sees half a pint of milk, he says, "It is half full."" "A pessimist sees half a pint of milk, he says, "It is half empty."" "I see half a pint of milk, I say, "It is sour."" "Just time for the weather." "Lot of snow around, Sylvester." "Yes, most of Britain will wake up to a carpet of white dung." "Thanks, mate." "And that's it." "No time left for the headlines." "That's "The Day Today"." "9pm tomorrow night, we'll start again." "Until then, thanks for watching." "It Just remains for me to wish you goodnight." "Join us tomorrow night for the day's news, sport, business, weather and the latest in the world of politics." "Same time - nine o'clock, tomorrow evening on BBC2." "That's "The Day Today", with all the latest local, national and international news." "We're prepared to interrupt the programme to accommodate unfolding events, often live-packaged by field reporters, those who know that news is paramount, and only the most recently-hatched news egg has any currency at all..." "That's "The Day Today"..." "..football matches..."