"( explosions )" "MAN:" "Sergeant!" "Yes, my Captain." "Come here." "Give me the map." "The bombing is much too heavy to continue." "Shall we take cover here?" "Dummkopf!" "With what we are carrying?" "Do you realize what will happen to us if we do not deliver this cargo to Berlin safely?" "The Russian front." "( explosion )" "Ja." "We will be just in time for the winter sports." "( laughing )" "A-ha-- we are only a few minutes away from a prisoner of war camp." "That is where we will go." "Will our cargo be safe there, Captain?" "The Allies would never bomb their own men." "Stalag l3..." "the toughest POW camp in all of Germany." "What if Commandant Klink catches us?" "Prisoners are allowed one hour of recreation a day." "I missed the volleyball game." "Mmm, you smell good." "The boys whipped up a little after shave." "It's very exciting." "It's called Unconditional Surrender." "May I ask what is going on here?" "She was blocking the door, sir." "Well, I told him that you were busy, Colonel." "Fraulein Helga is just doing her duty like any German soldier, a highly-trained machine." "Must be tough getting spare parts for that machine, huh?" "You may go now." "Thank you, sir." "You wanted to see me, sir?" "I did." "Now, any further demonstrations by your men during an air raid will bring immediate disciplinary action." "Do I make myself clear," "Colonel Hogan?" "You keep telling us you're winning the war." "Can't blame the fellows for wanting to celebrate a little raid." "There is nothing to celebrate." "No damage was done." "And your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe." "( knock on door )" "Come in." "Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Mueller." "He hardly escaped a terrible raid." "That raid was a complete failure." "No, Herr Kommandant." "They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmidt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe." "Illustrious Luftwaffe." "Illustrious Luft..." "Schultz!" "I have a very urgent matter to discuss with you, Colonel." "Of course, Captain." "What is it?" "I believe he means me." "The Captain is on his way to Berlin with very important..." "Sergeant!" "Schultz!" "Come on, Schultz, let's get out of here." "We know when we're not wanted." "You are dismissed." "Now, Captain Mueller, what can I do for you?" "We are on our way to Berlin with an important cargo from Norway." "What is this cargo?" "It is a highly-secret project." "Even my men do not know what is in the truck." "Let us simply say it is water." "Water?" "( laughs )" "Very clever, Captain." "Hot water." "I wonder, what could they have in that truck that's so important." "Maybe it's a new type of gun." "I don't think so." "CARTER:" "It's too small a truck for a bomb." "Can't be that." "Think it might be a rocket?" "No, they'd ship that in a special vehicle." "Maybe it's a beautiful spy like Mata Hari." "Hey, Schultz!" "Colonel Hogan, I have a favor to ask." "Sure, what can we do for you, Schultz?" "Could I have some of the after-shave lotion?" "Any time at all, Schultz." "Don't go to strangers." "Thank you, Colonel." "But, first..." "you can do us a favor." "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" "What's in that truck?" "A barrel of water." "Come on, Schultz." "You don't expect us to believe that." "I swear to you, I tell the truth." "It's a big secret." "The driver told me." "It's a barrel of water shipped from Norway to Berlin." "You mean to say they've got all those men guarding a barrel of water?" "Yes." "( inhales deeply )" "You know, Schultz, if they had that many troops at the Battle of the Marne, you people wouldn't have lost the First World War." "M-m-m-m-m!" "Oh-b-b-b-b!" "You believe him, Colonel?" "Schultz, yes." "The driver, no." "Halt!" "It's okay, Sergeant." "Colonel Klink told us to put this sign up." "What sign?" "No smoking-- smoking verboten." "See, with a barrel of nitroglycerin we can't be too careful." "Nitroglycerine?" "That's water." "Yeah, sure, sure." "We always put a 24-hour guard around a barrel of water, huh?" "( laughs )" "Put up the sign." "Okay, now we can all sleep better." "NEWKIRK:" "Afternoon, mate." "How are you?" "All right?" "Nein!" "Oh, no, must be half past 10:00 by now at least." ""No smoking."" "Oh, no, nicht sprechen Sie..." "What are you doing?" "Guard!" "Guard!" "NEWKIRK:" "Hey, hey, let me go, will you?" "What's the matter with you?" "Colonel Hogan!" "Just for smoking a cigarette?" "Hey, put me down, put me down" "I shall report the lot of you to Colonel Hogan." "Hey, would you..." "Hey, get away..." "What's the matter with you?" "All I was doing was having this smoke..." "Hey, let go of my hand, will you?" "Colonel Hogan!" "Colonel Hogan!" "Colonel..." "Look, this is not the last you've heard..." "You can't have a smoke in a camp like this?" "I shall report the lot of you to the Red Cross." "What's going on here?" "Take your hands off that soldier." "He was trying to smoke." "Can't you English read English?" ""No smoking."" "Begging the Colonel's pardon." "I-I didn't see the sign, sir." "All right, we'll let it go this time." "Nice going, Sergeant." "Good to see you on your toes." "May I ask what is going on here?" "Commandant, this man was smoking." "Are you out of your mind?" "I'll have you court-martialed for this!" "But, Colonel Klink, this sign was posted by your order." "Sign, sign, what sign?" "Who put up the sign?" "Well, I took the liberty." "I anticipated your order, Colonel." "You put up the sign?" "Yeah, I mean, what if somebody lit a match around that barrel of nitroglycerin?" "There is no nitroglycerin." "Nitro-gelatin." "No." "T.N.T. No." "Rocket fuel?" "No, no, no, no." "This is water." "Okay." "But if we all blow up tonight," "I'm never going to speak to you again." "Sergeant, post the guards." "Ja, Colonel." "The driver says it's water." "Schultz says it's water." "Now Klink says it's water." "What do you think it is, Colonel?" "With those three men of integrity," "I know one thing." "What?" "It ain't water." "Well, Carter, what is it?" "Well, it's odorless and colorless." "You don't need to be a chemist to know that." "There's only one thing to do." "Someone's going to have to drink it." "Newkirk?" "Well, I'd love to, you see, but I've got nine brothers and sisters." "They're all dependent on me." "My old man hasn't worked for years." "And my granny, she's got the gout, you know." "Here, Scotty, you're a bachelor." "No, thanks." "I don't drink." "( sighs ):" "All right." "We need a volunteer." "Thanks, Carter." "SCOTTY:" "We'll write a very nice letter to your family." "NEWKIRK:" "Cheers." "You know what this is?" "ALL:" "What?" "It's water." "Water, well, that's what they've been saying." "It couldn't be water!" "You're going to get the Nobel..." "Hey, Colonel, I got the sub on the radio." "Okay, Kinch!" "This is Goldilocks, come in Mama Bear, come in Mama Bear." "MAN:" "We read you, Goldilocks." "Go ahead." "Big Bad Wolf has hot barrel of water." "Barrel of water?" "At your house now?" "Roger, on way to Adolf's village from Viking's village." "Viking's village?" "Norway." "That's heavy water for nuclear experiments." "Destroy Big Bad Wolf's water at all costs." "Repeat, destroy." "Over." "Wilco and out." "I was right." "Outside of Captain Mueller, we're the only ones that know what's in that truck." "We've got to get rid of that barrel, or we're going to be over it." "Good afternoon, Colonel Hogan." "I have to see Klink." "I won't let you in until you kiss me." "The things I have to do for my country." "Well, here we are again." "She keeps blocking the door." "She's a regular tiger." "Well, he won't take no for an answer." "Well, what was the question?" "I came to see you." "Fraulein Helga, you may go now, and keep up the good work." "Colonel Hogan, what did you want to see me about?" "Please sit down, sit down." "I came to apologize about the water." "Ah, that is most admirable of you, Colonel." "I just couldn't believe the German High Command would take the time to get water from a spa." "A spa!" "Come on, you don't have to play games with me, Colonel." "LeBeau told me all about that great place in Norway where the water comes from." "He did?" "The French call it" ""La Fontaine de la Jeunesse", the Fountain of Youth." "Yes, of course." "Mm-hmm." "Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette used to go there to drink the water." "I don't have to tell you what happened to those two crazy mixed-up kids, huh?" "You mean they went to Norway for that water?" "Well, actually, Louis was losing his hair, but after drinking the water, he had to add an extra barber on at the palace." "Mm-hmm." "Yeah." "It's a shame that stuff's going to Berlin for Goering and that crowd." "The guys at the front never get any of the goodies." "Yes, almost everything is going to Berlin first." "They get all the liquor, all the girls, all the food." "and now, all the hair." "Yeah, the job you're doing, they ought to send you a barrel." "Ah!" "Sergeant, just checking on the barrel of water, to make sure that everything is secure." "Ja, Herr Colonel." "There he goes." "Colonel Klink." "Yes, Sergeant?" "Is everything secure?" "Everything is secure." "You are doing an excellent job, Sergeant." "Thank you, Colonel." "Whoever said you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?" "Ah, Fraulein Helga, take some dictation, please." "Now, the first letter is going to Colonel Oscar Pfefferman, commanding officer of the... what's the matter, Fraulein Helga?" "Colonel, somehow you look different today." "I do?" "You look younger." "I do?" "And... the way you walk." "You have such a youthful spring in your step." "You know something?" "I am beginning to feel a lot better today." "What's the matter?" "Sir, I think there's some dandruff." "Dandruff?" "Have you been using some sort of hair tonic?" "Hair tonic?" "No, no." "( knocking )" "Come in." "Colonel..." "Klink?" "We will finish that letter later, Fraulein Helga." "Here's the... the list of our requests from the Red Cross for this month." "Thank you." "What's the matter?" "I-I don't, I don't know." "Somehow, there's something different about you." "Different?" "Yeah." "I can't put my finger on it." "Maybe my walk is a little springier, huh?" "Yeah, yeah?" "I don't know." "A little more youthful?" "Yeah, yeah, that..." "that, too." "I had dandruff today." "I don't believe it." "You're actually growing..." "wait a minute." "Did you get to that water barrel?" "Colonel Hogan, I am a soldier." "If that water goes to Berlin, it goes to Berlin." "Shame." "A barrel of that stuff, and you'd be a bushy- haired kid again." "Ah, good evening, Sergeant." "Jawohl, Herr Commandant." "Good evening." "I, uh, want you to give me a hand with this barrel." "And what are we going to do with it, Herr Commandant?" "We are going to take it to my office and then we're going to replace it with another barrel of water." "But it is supposed to go to Berlin, Herr Commandant." "Now, that will be just between you and me, Sergeant." "I don't know." "I don't know." "Obersergeant." "Obersergeant." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Herr Commandant." "Schultz, we must be fast." "Yeah." "Schultz." "Take a look at it first." "Did you know that this water comes from Norway?" "The fountain of youth?" "No." "Did you notice a spring in my walk?" "A little dandruff on the shoulder?" "Oh, yes, yes, yes." "Of course, Herr Commandant." "Just last night, I said to my wife how wonderful you look." "It's the water." "Schultz, have a little drink." "Ah." "Ja, I feel it." "Oh, it is wunderbar." "Have another one." "Sergeant Schultz!" "Ah, Captain Mueller." "Colonel Klink." "What were you doing?" "Uh..." "I was just checking up on our valuable cargo." "Dismissed, Schultz." "Jawohl, Herr Commandant." "By the way, I found out about that water." "You did?" "From whom?" "Colonel Hogan." "He knows?" "The Frenchman told him." "How did the Frenchman find out?" "Did you know that Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI used to go to that spa in Norway for the same water?" "Oh, it does wonders for you." "Colonel Klink, somebody is making a fool of you." "What do you mean?" "I suppose you must know now, but this is top secret." "This water is for use in nuclear experiments." "It is known as heavy water." "I drank some of that water." "Will I die from it?" "Only if Berlin finds out." "Boy, what a shame that Captain caught Klink in the water barrel." "Well, what do we do now, Colonel?" "That truck leaves tomorrow, and the barrel can't be on it." "Hey, let's make a hand grenade and toss it in the truck from the window." "Good." "Very good, very good." "Then they line us all up in front of the firing squad." "Hey, how about a diversionary tactic?" "Give us a chance to grab the barrel." "That's good thinking, Kinch, but just taking the barrel won't be enough." "We gotta..." "I got it." "Carter, get me carpenters." "Newkirk, alert the arson squad." "Right." "Kinch, bring me the cabinetmaker Right." "and Scotty, bring the petty theft man here." "That's me." "Well, be here." "Colonel, what are we doing?" "We're going into the water-barrel business." "All right, that's enough water in the barrel." "Carter and Newkirk are almost at Klink's office." "Got exactly one minute." "Stand by with the barrel, and good luck." "Right." "What is going on?" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "I smell smoke." "Fire!" "Fire!" "We'd better get this truck out of here." "We cannot move the truck." "You know what's going to happen to you if this truck burns with that barrel in it?" "You're right." "We'd better move the truck." "I'll get the truck out of here." "Halt!" "I will drive the truck." "All right, have it your way." "Fire!" "What is going on here?" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Back up!" "Slow!" "Slow!" "All right, cut!" "Cut!" "Cut!" "A little more." "Back up." "Back it up." "Fire!" "Help, fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!" "( all yelling "Fire!" )" "Colonel Klink, come over to the window." "Get a hose!" "A fire hose!" "Nice of the boys to dampen you down, sir." "Get a ladder!" "CARTER:" "There isn't time." "Jump into the blanket." "We'll save you, Colonel." "You won't catch me." "We give you our word as enemy prisoners." "Get some of my guards!" "They're all busy, Klink." "You better jump." "All right." "I'll jump, but you better catch me." "Oh, he's not gonna jump." "Oh, come on, Colonel, up." "Are you all right, sir?" "Never." "I should never have trusted them." "It's your own fault." "They gave you two chances." "The truck, is it safe?" "Yes, and we have Colonel Hogan to thank for that." "Colonel Hogan?" "Well, I knew that barrel of water was pretty important to you fellows." "You may have done a service to your country, Colonel Hogan." "Because of you, the war may be shortened." "I wouldn't be at all surprised, sir." "Fraulein Helga, please file these..." "I told her you wanted to see me." "But he's always trying to break into your office." "The use of judo on a prisoner of war is against the Geneva Conference." "Fraulein Helga, you may let him go." "Good work." "Thank you." "Colonel Hogan, come in." "Colonel Hogan," "I just want to tell you, you didn't fool me for one minute with that story about the water." "I didn't try to fool you." "I deliberately went along with your little joke so you would think it was spring water from Norway." "You mean it wasn't?" "It was heavy water to be used for a new type of bomb that will bring the Allies to their knees." "You mean...?" "You don't rise to the rank of colonel because you're easily fooled." "If you don't mind, I'd rather not stand here while you gloat about your victories." "Dismissed." "What's the matter?" "You know, maybe that heavy water does grow hair." ""(End of Episode)""