"There you are, Mummy." "We were beginning to think you didn't want your brioche." "Thomas, Chloe, Mummy has something to tell you." "What is it, dear heart?" "Tell all." "Alice can't come to work today, so Mummy's had to arrange... for an agency nanny to come round." "Mummy, no!" "We must all be very brave." "I don't feel very well." "Be strong, my darlings, because there's something else you should know." "Something much worse." "This...person the agency are sending us, she's from the North." "Newcastle, I'm told, but could be as far as Sunder-land." "I'm sorry." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "(IN NORTHERN ACCENT) Hiya, I'm Gina from the agency." "Are you Mrs Montgomery?" "(SQUEAKS)" "Hey, I tell you what, I thought I was going to be late, the traffic was that bad." "Never mind, here I am, on time, so no worries there." "You've got a lovely place, Mrs M. You don't mind if I call you Mrs M, do you?" "Only Mrs Montgomery's a bit of a gobful." "Hiya." "What do you call youse then?" "I can see I'm gonna have me hand full with you pair of tykes, aren't I?" "Mummy, Mummy, what's she saying?" "I don't know, Chloe, but she sounds awfully angry, so don't provoke her in any way." "Avoid looking her in the eyes." "Is she going to kill us?" "Shh, shh, Thomas, Mummy won't let anything happen to you." "Right, I'll start with the breakfast things, but first, why don't I make us all a nice milky brew?" "And who fancies a couple of biccies as well, eh?" "Run for your lives children, we're all going to die!" "Is that air freshener I can smell?" "Yeah, it's supposed to be vanilla." "It's very overpowering." "I can put it in the glove compartment if it's bothering you." "would you mind?" "(SLOW POP SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)" "Sorry, do you mind if we don't have the radio on?" "Sure, no problem." "I'vejust got a bit of a headache." "Look at that." "Do you mind winding up your window?" "Yeah, sure." "Disgusting!" "(FARTING)" "It's very cold in here." "Could you put your heating on?" "I got a new top for tonight." "Is it?" "I got a well good price for it." "Did ya?" "It was 15.99, right?" "Yeah?" "But I didn't pay that." "Did you haggle, though?" "You should have seen me, though." "This is me, right. "How much is that top?"" "And this is her, right. "15.99." And this is me, right." ""So what we saying?" And this is her, right. "£15.99."" "And this is me, right. "So what we saying?"" "And this is her, right. "£15.99." And this is me, right." ""So what we really saying?" And this is her, right. "£15.99."" "And this is me, right. "I don't think so."" "And this is her, right. "What d'you mean?" And this is me, right. "It's got a button missing."" "What did you pay for it, mate?" "£1 5." "That is well good." "Innit, though?" "I'm gonna wear it for the gig tonight." "What gig, mate?" "Me and Ryan are going to a gig tonight." "Is it?" "I'm gonna look well hip-hop." "Awrightfz" "BOTH:" "Awright." "I'm well worked out." "Did you win?" "I smashed him in the second with my dambuster." "Is it?" "Do you want some of my Snickers Bar?" "This gig's gonna be well all right." "I can't wait to see Naughty." "Who, mate?" "Naughty Rascal." ""Naughty Rascal"?" "He's a well big shout-out." "It's Dizzee Rascal." "What?" "It's Dizzee Rascal, mate!" "Naughty Rascal!" "That is well bad." "Am I bothered?" "Can you believe that?" "Am I bothered, though?" "Take the shame." "No, 'cause I ain't bothered." "Take the shame, though." "I ain't even bothered, though." "You've well embarrassed yourself." "Do I look bothered?" "You're an embarrassment, though." "Do I look bothered, though?" "You're well shameful." "I don't care, 'cause I ain't bothered." "You brought shame on your family." "I don't care, 'cause I don't even like them." "But you've shamed them, though." "I don't even care, 'cause I don't even like them." "But they're your parents, though." "No, they ain't, though." "Yes, they are, though." "No, they ain't, though." "Well why do you live with them then?" "Are you disrespecting my family?" "Are you disrespecting my family, though?" "No, I ain't, though." "You're disrespecting my family." "I'mjust saying." "Are you calling my mum a prostitute?" "No, I'mjust..." "Are you calling my dad an alcoholic?" "But you said Naughty Rascal, mate." "But I ain't even bothered, though." "But it's Dizzee, though." "But I ain't even bothered, though." "Yeah, but..." "Do I look bothered?" "Yeah, but..." "Is my face bothered?" "Is my face bothered?" "Well..." "But is it bothered, though?" "Do I look bothered?" "You think I'm bothered?" "Ask me if I'm bothered." "Ask me if I'm bothered." "Ask me if I'm bothered!" "Are you bothered?" "No, I ain't even bothered." "But you said..." "Face." "Look." "Face." "Bothered." "Look." "Face." "Bothered." "Look." "Face." "Bothered." "Look." "Face." "Bothered." "Yes, but why..." "Naughty." "Face." "Bastard." "What?" "Face." "Bothered." "I ain't bothered!" "Have you got your autograph book?" "Why?" "Naughty Rascal's right behind you, mate." "FEMALE INTERVIE\/\/ER:" "M00 Shepherd /5 35 and lives in Sfud/ey/'us!" "oufs/de Birmingham." "5/7e'5 been a professional dog fra/ner for more fhan 70 years." "Las!" "year, affer winning {he Midlands Six-Par!" "Obedience Championship, known locally as {he Birmingham Six, her dog and lifelong companion, Mr Tibbs, died peacefully in his sleep." "Now Moo has only eigh!" "wee/rs lo {rain her new dog and refain her rifle of Dog Obedience Champion for {he sevenfh year running." "So it's just a gentle trot and stay close." "Stay close." "ALL:" "Stay close." "Stay close." "Come on, I can't hear you." "ALL:" "Stay close." "Stay close." "What about the praise?" "Don't forget the praise, you'll get nowhere without the praise." "ALL:" "Good boy." "Good boy." "Okay, everyone, that's our 90 minutes." "And as will Young said in 2003, "I think I'd better leave right now."" "A lot of you have done really well today, and if we keep up this standard, in a few weeks I can see meself letting some of you bring your dogs." "INTERVIEWER:" "It's been said your teaching methods are somewhat unorthodox." "I've been called a maverick, and I'll be honest with you, it's not a title I shy away from." "Legend has it during an obedience class in 2001 you made a woman eat a tin of dog food for arriving 10 minutes late." "(CHUCKLING) Is that what people are saying?" "Is it true?" "Yes." "You can't train the dog unless you've trained the owner." "Fact." "Is it also true she tried to sue you for actual bodily harm?" "Yes, she did try to sue." "Unsuccessfully, I might add." "But that rather unfortunate episode is behind me now." "In the words of the king of pop Michaeljackson, "She's out of my life."" "And how about your new dog, Moo, how's he coming along?" "She, it's a girl actually." "Bit of a break from tradition, yeah." "After 10 years of competing with Mr Tibbs, I suddenly thought," ""Come on, Moo, you can't knock what you've never tried,"" "and next thing I know I've entered a bitch." "Actually, could you cut that last bit out?" "Oh, I don't believe it!" "I think me keys have dropped out of me pocket again." "I'm going to have to go back." "will she be okay?" "It looks quite stuffy in there." "No, no, she'll be fine." "The trick is to keep the window open about half an inch, that's all they need." "Yeah." "She must have closed it." "Won't be two ticks." "(\/\/HIMPERS)" "(THUDS)" "Sorry I'm late, Mr Hicks, but I've got a bit of a personal problem for which I was told to apply live yoghurt." "Well, I could only find a Muller Crunch Corner, so you can imagine the chafing I've had all morning." "So, Mr Hicks, I'lljust..." "Mr Hicks?" "Mr Hicks?" "Not here." "Oh, my God, truffles!" "Oh, my God, that's better than sex." "Well, almost." "Oh, God alive." "MAN ON TV:" "So basically, ask yourself fhree quesﬁons:" "Are you sfressed our a!" "work?" "Do you feel undervalued?" "Do you wan{ {o change {he pa{{ern of failure in your life and enjoy {he swee{ smell of success?" "0/ray, don '{ {hin/r abou{ {his, jus{ do i{." "5i{ down and make yourself comfor{able, or even be{{er, lie down if you can." "0/ray Are you feeling comfor{able?" "Hang on." "-'irs{ of all, I need you {o close your eyes and {a/re a deep brea{h." "In and out In and out" "You 're feeling sleepy, very sleepy" "Now repea{ af{er me." "My name is..." "And say your name." "My name is and say your name." "I'm a s{rong, independen{ woman and I will soon be smelling {he swee{ scen{ of success." "I'm a strong, independent woman and I will soon be smelling the sweet scent of success." "My days of feeling undervalued are over." "My days of feeling undervalued are over." "From now on, I'm going {o fulfil my po{en{ial and walk {he walk and {al/r {he {al/r." "Here we are, Mr Hicks." "Bernie!" "Bernie, wake up!" "Oh, my God." "What on earth is going on?" "You 're feeling sleepy, very sleepy" "What are you doing in a patient's bed?" "Come on, explain yourself." "I'm a strong-smelling woman and I will soon be sucking independent sweets." "I beg your pardon?" "My days of feeling overvalued are under." "Bernie, either you start making sense immediately or you will be out of this hospital so fast your feet won't touch the ground." "From now on I'm going to feel potentially full with a talkie-walkie and a walkie-talkie." "Right, that's it!" "My office, now." "I'm sorry, Sister, I don't know what came over me." "I've heard enough, just move yourself!" "I'm sorry, Mr Hicks, we'll soon get you settled." "Thank you." "Excuse me, that's not a live yoghurt, is it?" "Get out!" "I'm sorry, I could have sworn I booked it last week." "It's not a problem, this will be fine." "What is it?" "Burgers?" "Hi, guys!" "Oh, hello." "Can we..." "Welcome to BBj's." "I'm your waitress for today." "My name's Amanda, but my friends call me Zebedee." "I'm a fiery Taurean with my moon in Uranus." "Careful!" "I'll do thejokes." "Any birthdays or anniversaries today for yourselves?" "Look, we'd just like to eat, thank you." "Do you know what you want?" "All birthday cocktails are half price until 7:00, except A Poke In The Eye and the Screaming Fadge, which are three for two until 6:30." "Thank you, but wejust want to eat something quick." "I've also been asked to point out to our more generously proportioned customers that when we say the Hawaiian buffet is all you can eat, that is in fact an offer, not a challenge." "Can wejust order, please?" "Thank you, sir, there's no need to take it out on your server." "Right." "I'd like a Plain jane burger, please." "Any freaky fries with that today for yourself?" "It says it comes with freaky fries." "Yes, I know, but would you like them?" "Yes." "Right, and I'd like a..." "Table four getting freaky with her fries!" "(PEOPLE CHEERING)" "And I'll have the Oops Upside Your Head burger... (OOPS UPSIDE YOUR HE/40 PLAYING)" "# Oops upside your head" "# I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head" "# I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head" "(SINGING L/4 BAMB/4 IN SPANISH)" "Sorry, do you..." "Do you mind..." "Sorry, do you mind keeping it down, 'cause I'm..." "Sorry, was I doing that out loud?" "God." "I did my salsa class last night." "Ijust can't get the music out of my head." "Can you not?" "Never thought of myself as a dancer." "Hmm." "But turns out I'm rather good." "Great." "Tonay says." "Who?" "Tonay." "My instructor." "Tony?" "Yeah, but he's from Rio." "Oh, right." "He's always praising me." "Look, I've really got to get this finished." "Yeah." "He said I moved like a gazelle." "Did he?" "He said I'm ready to do the workshops in Barcelona." "He said I'm ready to do the workshops in Barcelona." "Did he?" "He's been really complimentary about everything, actually." "Guess how old he thought I was?" "How old did Tonay think I looked?" "Well, I really wouldn't like to say." "Why not?" "Have a guess!" "I have no idea." "Well, that's the point of guessing!" "Come on!" "Please don't make me do this." "It's just a bit of fun, have a guess!" "But I don't want to." "It doesn't matter, just guess." "Well..." "Come on." "How old did he say I was?" "I can't think." "Yes, you can, just guess!" "16." "'l6?" "'I6?" "20." "He's not blind!" "2 5." "Right, have you ever looked at me?" "42." "What?" "48?" "48?" "Vanessa Feltz is 43!" "37?" "Right, do you think I look 37?" "No." "No, neither does Tonay." "28?" "Older than that." "35?" "Not that old." "33?" "I don't think so." "31?" "Right, forget it." "29?" "30!" "He thought I looked 30." "Wow." "That is flattering." "Yes, it is." "I used to tap." "Right, do you ever stop talking?" "INTERVIEWER:" "Champion dog {rainer Moo Shepherd has now been preparing her new pro{e'ge' for seven weeks. [{'s no{ looking good." "So far Moo has only managed {o s{op Lady Penelope urina{ing on her clo{hes." "ipar{ from {his, despi{e being sure she had a fu{ure champion on her hands," "{hey ha ve achieved absolu{ely no{hing." "And wi{h {he Birmingham Obedience Championsh/ps only one week away, i{ looks like Moo's repu{a{ion of being able {o {rain any dog {o do an y{hing" "is very much on {he line." "(SCREAMS)" "I don't understand it, we can't even get past the basics." "I can honestly say I have never known a dog like it." "Desperate situations call for desperate measures." "Now, I've never been a big fan of these, but at this stage we've got nothing to lose, so..." "Lady Penelope is wearing a collar that, when I press this remote, gives off a small electric charge." "Now, it's nothing to worry about, it's completely harmless, it's just guaranteed to give an unruly canine a nudge in the right direction." "Now, watch this." "Lady Penelope, sit." "Lady Penelope, sit." "Now, with the gentle electronic pulse." "Lady Penelope, sit." "(YELPS)" "Is she okay?" "Who?" "Lady Penelope." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "No, she's had a busy day." "She'sjust having a lie-down." "Actually, shall we..." "Shall we, um, shall we turn that off now, shall we?" "Morning, Nev." "Morning, Irene." "What did I say, Vern?" "As soon as something happens, you can guarantee 10 minutes later, Neville arrives." "Double cheese?" "Yes, please." "Double cheese for Neville." "So what happened then, Vern?" "Oh, it's been non-stop." "You'll never believe who was here about an hour ago." "Go on." "Vernon, what's the name of that man with the Calor Gas bottle?" "Black fella, always on the telly laughing." "Always on the telly laughing?" "Um..." "—Oh." "Desmond Tutu!" "What, the bishop?" "Yeah." "Calor Gas bottle had gone in his caravan and he was trying to find a Halfords." "Well, he's not going to change a Calor Gas bottle at Halfords, he wants a Homebase." "Well, that's what Vern said." "So where's he got a caravan?" "Well, that's it, he hasn't." "He's done one of these holiday swaps with the Archbishop of Canterbury." "Has he?" "Well, he's absolutely livid." "Archbishop of Canterbury is sunning himself on a 50-acre South African farmhouse while Des arrives to find he's swapped for a two-berth caravan on Canvey Island with no heating." "Did he not think to ask what he was swapping for?" "Well, obviously not,judging by his language." "I said to Vern, they'll be taking that Nobel Peace Prize off him when they hear where he's going to stick that Calor Gas bottle." "Any sauce?" "No, this is smashing." "Right, see you tomorrow." "All right, Neville, take care." "Kate Moorcroft?" "Come through." "Here we are." "Oh, here we go." "Oh, have a look who it is!" "Hello, sweetheart." "You're Lesleyjackson's granddaughter, ain't you, yeah?" "I used to go to school with your grandmother." "Oh, isn't it lovely to see you?" "I haven't seen you since you were that big." "Oh, I've heard your grandmother ain't too well." "She's had her hip done again, ain't she?" "will you give her my regards?" "Tell her I've missed seeing her about." "It's beautiful to see you, sweetheart." "Give me regards to your grandmother." "Oh, be lucky, darling." "Who's that?" "God knows." "There you are, look, what did I tell you?" "It's packed out." "It's not that bad." "Oh, there's nothing wrong with half these people, have a look." "Come on, Nan." "And look at this one in a running suit!" "Years ago you had to be spewing up your guts to see a doctor, and now they turn up in running suits." "Oh, they've got a cheek." "Nan, come on." "Have you got an appointment?" "Eh?" "Do you have an appointment?" "No, dear, I'm here to see Dr Bailey." "Is it an emergency?" "who is it?" "Is it an emergency?" "\/x/hat's she talking about?" "What is it that's wrong with you?" "What's it got to do with you?" "What is it that's wrong with her?" "Oi, oi, oi, I'll thank you to talk to the organ grinder, not the monkey." "If it's not an emergency, you won't see a doctor today." "The next appointment is Thursday at 10:00." "We rang this morning and the lady we spoke to said..." "Excuse me, I'm talking." "Yes, it is." "Yes, it is what?" "Yes, it is an emergency." "What is it that's wrong with you?" "Me head's hanging off!" "We rang this morning and the lady we spoke to said we could see a doctor if we came in before 11." ""Is it an emergency?" she says." "I ain't never seen a room full of such healthy-looking people." "What name is it?" "Mrs Taylor." "If you'd like to take a seat." "Oh, well, only if you're sure." "I mean, I don't want to be pushing in front of Daley Thompson here." "Come on, sit down, I'll get you a magazine." "(SOFTLY) Keith Merryweather?" "Keith Merryweather?" "Keith Merryweather?" "Keith..." "Keith Merryweather!" "Come on, let's be having you, next cab off the rank!" "We're not all here for a free day out." "I'm really sorry, but would you mind keeping the noise down?" "I suffer from migraines." "You do what, darling?" "I'm really sorry, but I have terrible migraines." "Oh, I am sorry, sweetheart." "I feel terrible for you, truly I do." "I've had them for years, but they'vejust really started..." "No, no, my darling, don't feel you've got to explain anything to me." "I feel dreadful, really I do." "I wish there was something I could do to help you." "would you like a mint?" "No, honestly, I'll be fine, thanks." "Ijust need to see the doctor." "julie Hedges?" "Oh, that's me." "Is that you, darling?" "Go on then, go and see the doctor, sweetheart, he'll sort you out." "Oh." "Oh." "What a fucking liberty!" "She's got headache!" "The woman's sat in a doctor's surgery 'cause she's got headache!" "Oh, they want shooting, they really do." "Nan." "Excuse me, would you mind being quiet?" "You're upsetting the other patients." "Oh, take a fucking chill pill, you!" "Come on, you, I've had enough of all this." "Mrs Taylor?" "Oh, have you found a window in your diary?" "Well, it's too late now, love." "It's-too-fucking-late.co.uk!" "(CACKLING)" "Emergencies only?" "What a load of old shit!" "I went to Pizza Express for lunch." "Four Seasons." "No onions, no anchovies, mixed salad and a Diet Coke." "Yeah." "INTERVIEWER: [{'s {he day of {he Birmingham Six-Par{ Dog Obedience Championsh/ps and Moo Shepherd is wi{h Lady Penelope." "No progress has been made, and agains{ all {he advice of friends and family, Moo, as one of Birmingham's leading dog {rainers, is ris/ring professional suicide." "ANNOUNCER:" "Please welcome in{o {he arena our penul{ima{e finalis{," "Rober{ Freeman and Sina{ra." "So, despite no improvement in Lady Penelope's abilities, you're going ahead?" "Yes." "As last year's winner I get an automatic place in the final, so I'd be a fool to waste it." "Of course, last year you had Mr Tibbs." "Tell us about him." "MOO:" "Mr 7'ibbs, he was a one-off" "He was {o {raining and obedience wha{ Pa{ric/r Swayze was {o {he power ballad, sublime." "There were {imes when I wondered if I'd /rnown Mr 7'ibbs in a previous life." "I'm a s{rong believer in reincarna{ion and {here were some uncanny similari{ies be{ween him and my la{e fa{her." "The smell, mainly, bu{ also an uncanny abili{y" "{o carry an egg be{ween his {ee{h wi {h ou{ brea/ring i {" "Bu{ more {han {ha{, i{ was a look in his eyes, a look {ha{ said," ""Don'{ worry /(id, I'll always be here for you. "" "But now, with Lady Penelope, aren't you worried that you're going to lose your crown?" "Moo Shepherd does not understand the concept of losing." "Whatever you might think, this dog is a champion and I'm about to prove it." "ANNOUNCER:" "Please welcome in{o {he arena our las{ compe{i{or, Moo Shepherd wi{h Lady Penelope." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Right, here we go." "Well, we came to do our best, and that's exactly what we did." "How did she do?" "She was rubbish, absolutely shocking." "Basically ignored me all the way through the six categories." "You don't seem very bothered by that, Moo." "No, and I'm not." "And I'll tell you for why." "This dog has taught me the greatest lesson I'm ever likely to learn." "Enjoy life!" "I told her to sit, she ran around." "I asked her to fetch, she peed on a judge." "This dog has the personality to do the one thing \/\/ham!" ", the greatest pop duo of all time, told us to do way back in 1984, choose life!" "( WA/(E ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO BY \/\/HAM!" "PLAYING)"