"Ah." "Ha ha!" "Extra point." "Put some over there." "Store some over there." " Hey hey hey, you know what?" " What?" "Flag on the play." "Flag on the play." "Excessive celebration." "There's no penalties in paper football." "There should be 'cause that was really annoying." "Wait, hold on." "Which point was annoying?" "This right here?" "You didn't like that?" "What if I slow it down for you?" " You like that?" " No." " You don't like that?" " No, still annoying." "Speed it up." "Speed it up!" "What are you guys doing?" " We're playing paper football." " Oh, paper football." "Excellent topic." "Okay." "Paper football is an american tradition." "Allowing boys to entertain themselves with nothing more." "Than a piece of paper and a flat surface." "What?" "On the other hand," "Paper football requires no athletic ability and no thinking," "Therefore making it a complete waste of time..." "And paper." " Wait, what are you doing?" " I'm on the debate team." "I have to prepared to argue any topic, no matter how stupid." "So what else do you guys like to do?" "♪ today's all burnt toast ♪" "♪ running late, and dad says ♪" "♪ "has anybody seen my left shoe?" ♪" "♪ I close my eyes, take a bite ♪" "♪ grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪" "♪ there it is up on the roof ♪" "♪ I've been there, I've survived ♪" "♪ so just take my advice ♪" "♪ hang in there, baby, things are crazy ♪" "♪ but I know your future's bright ♪" "♪ hang in there, baby ♪" "♪ there's no maybe ♪" "♪ everything turns out all right ♪" "♪ your life is up and down ♪" "♪ but trust me, it comes back around ♪" "♪ you're gonna love who you turn out to be ♪" "♪ hang in there, baby. ♪" "P.J., what are you doing here?" "You're supposed to be at the dentist." "Totally forgot." "Why didn't you remind me?" "I did remind you." "I put a note on your pillow, I texted you and..." "Mom, you did everything you could." "No one's blaming you here." "P.J., honey, you are 17 years old." "When are you gonna stop being afraid of the dentist?" "When he stops coming at me with those pointy tools." "Besides, my tooth is feeling a lot better." " Oh, really?" " Yeah." "Okay, hang on one sec." "Yeah, bite it." "Sure." "Mmm!" "Mmm, delicious." "Now..." "If you'll excuse me." "Ow!" "You want me to wear a grass skirt." "In front of the whole class?" "Jo, you need to put on the entire costume." "Gabe, let me explain something to you:" "You're an idiot." "You're an idiot, idiot!" " Idiot!" " Idiot!" " Idiot!" " Whoa!" "Ho!" "What is going on in here?" "Jo and I have to do this stupid project together on one of the states." "We got hawaii." "The most boring of all the states." "I know." "Why couldn't we have gotten one of the cool states." "Like nebraska?" "I had a great idea for that one." "Let me guess:" "Dress up like a corn-stalk?" "No." "All right, look, it may not be as glamorous as nebraska," "But you know what?" "Hawaii's a pretty cool state." "Name one cool thing about it." "Well, it's the only state made up entirely of islands." "Okay." "It has lots of unique flora and fauna." "Dad, we can't just fill up our report with a bunch of facts." "All right, you know what?" "Hawaii's got an active volcano." "Hey, we could build a volcano." "I like things that explode." "I don't know." "Sounds like a lot of work." "Okay, well, I do have another idea." "Volcano it is." "P.J., you know what I was just thinking about?" "Remember when we used to have a mommy-and-p.J. Day?" "We should do that again." "We haven't done that since I was seven." "How about tomorrow?" "We'll do whatever you want." "You know what'd be fun?" "Not having a p.J.-And-mommy day." "That makes mommy sad." "Mom, I'll hang out with you if you want." "We can have a mommy-and-teddy day." "Yeah, mommy doesn't want that." "Okay, ah!" "Tomorrow after school," "We are having a p.J.-And-mommy day." "And you are gonna love it." "Mom, you can make me go, but you can't make me love it." "Okay, I'll love it." "I thought mommy-and-teddy day would be fun," "But apparently not." "Honey, it's actually p.J.-And-dentist day." "Oh, sneaky." "The only way for me to get him there is for me to trick him." "So what's this "take gabe to laser tag"?" "Haircut." "What's this?" "I was cleaning out my desk drawer," "Came across this gift certificate to a day spa." "I think I forgot to give it to you, like, on valentine's day." "Or something." "I don't know." "Dad, was there anything for me in the magic drawer?" "Uh, yes..." "A flyer to your fourth-grade production of "the sound of music."" "I look forward to attending." "Bob honey, this gift certificate expires tomorrow." " Well, let's go tomorrow." " I can't." "I have to take p.J. To the dentist." "Mom, go." "I'll get p.J. To the dentist." "How you gonna do that?" "I'll figure something out." "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm smarter than him." "What about charlie and gabe?" "Yeah, they're smarter than him too." "Volcano's looking great, dad." "Do you think it's big enough?" "Good point." "Little bigger, dad." "This is just the frame." "It's gonna be a whole lot bigger." "After it's been papier-mached." "You don't have to tell us." "Just do it." "Gabe, this is my house." "I don't take orders from you or anybody else." "Bob, time to go to the spa." "Coming, honey." "Okay, kids, let's listen up." "Now the volcano is going to erupt when you press this button." "If you wanted it to erupt again," "You'd have to take the whole thing apart." "Therefore... and I cannot stress this strongly enough..." "Do not press the button." "What'd he just say?" "Something about a button." "This is bob." "Yeah." "No, I got it." "I got it." "Okay." "Yeah, we'll see you there in about 20 minutes." "Sorry, honey, it's an extermination call." "We gotta make one little stop before we get to the spa." "Really?" "Honey, it's a 313... code yellow." " What's that?" " Possum." "Wouldn't it be faster to just say "possum"?" "Well, sure, you want to take all the magic out of it." " What's this stuff called again?" " Newspaper." "It's how people in the olden days got their news." "Uh, gabe, jo, listen up." "So p.J. And I have to leave, but I'll be back in like 15 minutes." "That means you're gonna be alone with charlie." "Now she's taking a nap upstairs." "She probably won't bother you." "But if you have any problems with charlie, just give me a call on my cell." "What'd she say?" "Something about charlie." "Ow, p.J.!" "Oh!" "Ow, p.J.!" "What?" "What's wrong?" "I think I broke my tooth." "Let me see." "Ew!" "It's a bloody mess in there." "And there's seeds." "Yeah, well, can you take me to the dentist?" "Ha, so awesome." "What?" "That I broke my tooth?" "No, that I got out of mommy-and-p.J. Day." "This is so cool." "I've never seen you in action doing your bug-catching "thang."" "Okay, look, the "thang" that we're catching." "Is not a bug, it's a possum." "Mm-hmm." "Which rhymes with awesome." "Bam!" "Ow!" "Will you cut that out?" "I'm on duty." "Thank you." "Okay." "All right, here we go." "I think we've got a problem." "Oh well, guess I'll have to see you do your "thang" some other time." "Come on." "Let's go get massages." "Um, or..." "Pop!" "Nah nah nah nah nah!" "Oh no." "Please?" "I would do this for you." "Well, this is officially our second-worst date ever." "What was the worst?" "Hot tubbing with your grandparents." "No, you're right." "That was a bad idea." " Ow ow." " Oh, excuse me, excuse me." "Uh, my sister needs to see the dentist." "Her mouth is all bloody." "It's really bad." "There's seeds." "Last name?" "Duncan." "Oh okay." "Yeah, we have you right here." "P.J. Duncan, 3:00." "What?" "But that-that can't be right." "No, that is right." "Hello, p.J." "Emmett?" "What are you doing here?" "I asked him to come." "Why aren't you holding your mouth anymore?" "Because I'm not seeing the dentist today." "You are." "P.J., it's time." "No!" "Ow!" " I can't do this." " No!" "Yes, you can." "Okay?" "You have a problem," "But we're gonna help you through it." "We all want what's best for you, man." "Look, what if I promise to start flossing?" "Okay, we've heard those promises before." "Come on, man, be strong." "You're right." "It's just a little tooth." "It's just a little tooth." "Thattaboy." " No no no!" " Get him, get him!" "P.J., let go!" "Let go, let go." " Our first hug." " Oh, not now!" "Don't make me brush you!" "Oh no." "Where are my Glasses?" "Oh!" "Now my tooth is really broken." "Oh!" "P.J., let's go." "I said, "let's get a fish tank."" "He said, "no, the big toothbrush will be fun."" "Charlie, go to sleep, please." "Just stop." "Gabe, unless that kid can paint, get her out of here." "Teddy, when are you getting home?" "I don't care about your stupid tooth." "You can't leave me alone with charlie." "Wait, teddy!" "Oh." "You're not alone, gabe." "I'm not gonna help you, but you're not alone." "What's that smell?" "It's coming from the business end of that kid." "You gotta change it." "I don't know how to change a diaper." "It's just like taking apart a burrito." "And then putting it back together." "I think I've eaten my last burrito." "You look adorable." "Shut up." "Okay, honey, look, the possum's in the trap." "All you gotta do... you just gotta tie the rope to it." " And I'll pull it right out." " Oh." " I love you." " Whatever." "Oh my gosh." "What do you see, honey?" "Dirt, cobwebs, bugs." "I don't know how you do this all day, bob." "That's 'cause I know I'm coming home to you, sweetie." "Oh, shut up." "Okay, I see the trap." "Bob, I'm not so sure this is a possum." " What do you mean?" " Well, are possums black with a white stripe?" "What?" "No, get out." "That's not a possum." "That's a..." "Skunk." "Ah, charlie, stay still." "Stupid diapers." "Can you please keep it down back there?" "I'm trying to work here." "Okay." "You know, this would be a lot easier if you helped me." "Yes, it probably would, put we had an agreement." "I'll handle my thing that explodes and you'll handle yours." "Well, we've got a problem." "I'm all out of clean diapers." "Now what am I gonna do?" "Okay, charlie, all better now." "Is that a shirt..." "And duct tape?" "Yes." "Oh." "See, I call it "the shirt diaper."" "The good thing is that she's protected." "And it's not my shirt." "Oh, now what?" "Why can't she just sit still?" "I bet some more duct tape would make her sit still." "Hey, I'm gonna need to practice for my debate later." " Could you give me a topic?" " Okay." "How about, why won't you go out with me?" "No, I need a topic I can argue from both sides." "Okay, here we go." "Is this real life?" "The doctor gave him some anesthesia." "Teddy, come on back." "Teddy?" "I have a sister named teddy." "Okay, so you didn't like carrots." "How about some yummy peaches?" "There you go." "Oh!" "That's it." "You're in trouble now." "Jo, get in here!" "What do you want now?" "She won't eat." " Not my problem." " Hey!" "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you." "I have work to do." "I don't care." "I'm having a really bad day." "And all I'm asking for is a little respect." "Oh, so what I do isn't important?" "Stop putting words into my mouth." "You know what?" "That's it." "I'm outta here." "You can't leave." "Oh yeah?" "Watch me." "Jo, wait, don't go." "It's the first time I've been left alone with charlie." "I'm blowing it." "I can't do this by myself." "All right, I'll help you with the baby." "But just so you know, every doll I've ever had ended up without its head." "Would you look at that?" "You're really good with babies." "Yeah, I guess I am." "If you ever tell anyone, I'll hurt you." "We're back." "Oh, here we go, charlie." "Here you go." "Am I in hawaii..." "With grandma?" "I told you, these are my grandma's glasses." "Just because I'm wearing them doesn't make me grandma." "You're cranky, old lady." "Hey, emmett, where's teddy?" "Dropped her off at her debate." "Okay, buddy, how about we have a seat?" "This thing followed me all the way home." " Hey kids." " Hey dad." "Why is charlie wearing a shirt diaper?" "Uh, long story." "Where's mom?" "Longer story." "Hi, everybody." "Mommy got stung." "It was all daddy's fault." "Uh, honey, can you get that thing behind you?" "Right back there." " Love you." " Shut up." "Honey, just scrub yourself real good with that tomato juice for about two hours." "It'll get the smell right out..." "I hope." "Kids, don't ever go to the spa with daddy." "Hey hey hey." "Hey, baby girl." "I tell you what:" "Let's get you a real diaper, okay?" "Oh, that's my ride." "I'm starving." "Are you hungry?" "I can't believe I'm gonna say this," " But I had fun." " Me too." "And we finished a pretty awesome project too." "I know." "Can't wait to see that volcano erupt." " I know." " Okay." "No!" "No!" "Wait, don't don't don't!" "Volcano made a boom boom." "And that is why." "For the safety of our students." "And the peace of mind of our parents," "I would argue that cell phone use in school." "Should not only be allowed," "It should be encouraged." "Thank you." "Miss duncan, your rebuttal?" "Ahem." "Cellular phone usage." "Is a serious problem." "That presents many challenges for the consumer." "What?" "I said," "Cellular phone usage is a serious issue..." "I concede." "Hey, charlie, gabe here." "And I'm doing the video diary tonight." "Because teddy's having some troubles with her words." "Nothing serious." "Yeah." "Anyway, today was the first day I took care of you." "It went totally perfect." "What?" "Okay, there were a few problems." "But, I mean, you're fine." "So they're probably going to make me take care of you again." "Yeah." "Good luck, charlie." "I've got to say, gabe, I wasn't sure about these things," "But they are really comfortable." "Yeah." "I can't believe how much time I'm going to save by not having to go to the bathroom." "Dude, ha!" "I'm saving time right now, if you know what I mean." "Nice." " Hey, dad, game's on." " Yeah." "Whoo!" "Looking good, dad." "Oh, feelin' good, son." "Whoo!" "Whoo."