"Okay munchkins, family meeting." "Daddy and I have some exciting news." "That's right." "So, Katie, put your phone away." "Emme, don't pick your nose." "Teddy, buddy, stop touching yourself." "I wasn't." "You had both hands in your pants, moving around down there like you're making origami." "No hands in pants, all right?" "Let's make it a family motto." "So, along with summer being over and school starting back up tomorrow, there's another change happening in the family." "I just got the official word and..." "I'm going back to work." "Yay!" " Yay!" " Yay!" "What's your job?" "It's the same job I had before you guys were born." "I worked at a hospital, checking people's blood to find out what's making them sick." "So you're a doctor?" "(laughing):" "No." "She's not a doctor." "But it's very important work." "Anyway, Daddy's gonna be taking you to school, picking you up, watching you until I get home, stuff like that." "Yeah, since I'm a contractor, I'm my own boss, so, I can work my schedule around you guys." "Look, all you guys need to know is," "Daddy's in charge now." " That's right." " Yeah!" " Aw, bring it in." " I love you, Daddy." "Oh, you guys." "We're gonna have so much fun." "Can we get a puppy?" " Sure." " No!" "No..." "Well, which is it?" "Ask your mother." "Not now." "Do it later, when I'm not around." " Love you, Daddy." " See?" "Katie thinks I'm doing great already." "You can't trust a 13-year-old girl." "She's all whacked out on hormones." "Hormones?" " Mm." " My mom had those." "She had to wear a patch just to keep from ripping our faces off." "I can't believe I'm doing this." "I'm so excited." "And guilty." "And happy. (chuckles)" "And worried." "You know, they make a patch for that, too." "Will you relax?" "Look, I got this." "Me and the kids have a blast together." "I'm Daddy fun times." "Yeah, that's true." "And I'll always be home in time for dinner." " Yeah." " I mean, it... it's not like I'm a doctor." "Come on, honey, this was always the plan when Emme started school full-time." "Remember?" "Plus, we're gonna need the extra money for college." "Based on their ability to flush a toilet," " I'm not seeing scholarships." " You're right, it's fine because you are a great dad." " Oh..." " And it means so much to me, you stepping up like this." " Oh, well, I'm happy to do it." " Mmm." "And I'm not looking for any kind of reward." "Unless... you were thinking about something, in which case, who am I to say no?" "Don't worry." "You're gonna get your reward." "We're talking about the same thing, right?" "You'll find out tonight." " (school bell rings)" " Okay, just one more picture." "Oh, hey." "Hold Emme in your arms sideways like a big fish you just caught." "Mom, we're not doing that." "Okay, cut the cord and go to work." "(sighing):" "Yeah, I got to run." " Bye." " I love you." " Love you, too." " Love you." "You, too." "(sighs) I am just so proud of you, sweet pea." "You have a great first day at school." "Okay?" "Okay." "Yeah... (school bell rings)" "Daddy?" "Yeah, Butterbean?" "I'm worried about kindergarten." "Aw, honey." "You should be worried." "Kids are mean." "But just know if you ever feel uncomfortable, you start swinging." " (laughing)" " Okay?" "A punch in the nose can be a real problem solver." "Right?" "All right." "Okay, bye, Daddy." "Bye-bye, honey." "Hello, kindergarten parents!" "I'm Mrs. Rodriguez, your child's lead teacher." "I'd like to welcome you all to the Kindergarten Parent Mingle." "What?" "Now, has anyone seen Mrs. Burns?" "Is Mrs. Burns here?" "Uh, you must be talking about my wife." "I'm Adam... uh, Mr. Burns." "Oh, great." "Mr. Burns, your wife graciously volunteered to be our room parent, so there's just a few things..." "Uh, listen, she's not gonna be able to do that." " See, she's decided to go back to work." " Oh." "Okay, so I'll just pencil you in." "Whoa, hey, uh..." "I-I'd love to but, uh," "I have a job, too, see, so please stop writing my name down." "What a wonderful group," "I can't wait to meet each and every one of you!" "Mr. Burns, I'd like to see you after the mingle." "Hey, looks like you got stuck in here too, huh?" "I'm Adam." "Lowell." " I'm a stay-at-home dad." " Oh." "Four years now, it hasn't changed me at all." "Oh, you got a little something..." "Hey!" "I'm gonna say it has changed you." "Sorry, I'm a little revved up." "I just can't believe they're not introducing any foreign language in kindergarten." "How can our children compete in a global economy without fluency in a second language?" "You know this school is free, right?" "Free stuff is not that great." "Water is free, but beer you got to pay for." "Hm?" "Beer." "It's so great to connect on a masculine level again." "Where are the regular moms?" "Hey," "I-I think I know you, right?" "Didn't you sneak a flask into the school play?" " (chuckling):" "Yeah." " Yeah." "Marie Faldanado." " Ah." " My kid's in Teddy's class." "Hey, uh, did Teddy get invited to Brady's birthday party?" "Because my Victor didn't and it's happened before." "Yeah, we had Victor over last year, he's a..." "Oh, yeah, Victor." "What?" "Well, he flushed a couple of" "Teddy's Hot Wheels down the toilet, he called my wife a hottie." "He was kind of a jackass." "I can't believe you'd call my child that word!" "Hey-hey, isn't it two words?" "It's two words, right?" "And to make up for a lack of funding, we depend on parent volunteers." "I just think of the children." "There's not a thing I wouldn't do for them and I know you feel the same way." "No." "But everyone else has refused to be room parent." "Great, put me on that list." "That's a shame." "It would also be a shame if" "I don't teach your daughter to read." "What are you saying?" "I said that's a shame." "No, you said something after that." "I don't think so." " Yes, you did..." " No, I didn't." " Yes, you did." " No, I didn't." " Yes, you did..." " No, I didn't." " Yes, you did." " Nope." "(smacks lips)" "Okay, I'll do it." "Wonderful!" "Your first event is tomorrow's" "Ice Cream Sundae Fun Day party at 11:00 a.m." "Okay, but I mean, you're gonna teach Emme to read, right?" "We'll see how the party goes." "(phone ringing)" "Adam, what's up?" "Are the kids okay?" "Yeah, the kids are fine." "How come you didn't tell me you were room mom?" "Oh, honey, I forgot." "You forgot?" "Well guess who's room mom now?" "Me!" "(laughing)" "Are you laughing at me?" "(laughing):" "So hard." "All right, I'm done talking to you." "(laughing):" "I understand." "I love you." "I love you, too." "(chuckling):" "Oh, poor bastard." "ADAM:" "You didn't hang up, I can still hear you." "So guys, how was school today?" "I'm hungry." " And thirsty." " Me, too." "Uh, I didn't..." "I don't have anything." " What?" " I've literally never been thirstier." "Mommy had snacks and ice cold waters every day." "Hey, easy, it's me, Daddy fun times." "Huh?" "Uh, here... have a Listerine Strip." "(engine shuts off)" "(door shuts)" "What the..." "(whistles)" "Headphones off." "Everybody line up." "What?" "Line up: one, two, three." "I can't believe I have to explain a line to you." "Why did you just dump all your stuff everywhere?" "We always do." "Well, who cleans it up?" "Mommy." "And she's not upset about that?" "(scoffs) I don't know." "Okay, well, from now on, you're gonna hang your backpacks up, and you're gonna clean up the truck before you get out, and close the door!" "That's right." "Any questions?" "Well, I got one." "What the hell happened to my life?" "Ooh, Daddy said a bad word." "Oh sure, that you heard." "(groans)" "What kind of animal puts gum on a chair and just leaves it?" "(groans)" "Hey." "Where are the kids?" "Upstairs, washing up for dinner." "How was your day?" "It was incredible." "All right, I mean, first I was freaking out because I'd been home with the kids for so long," " you know, but I fit right in." " Good." "I mean, I did try to cut the crust off somebody's sandwich at lunch, but other than that, it was amazing and it wouldn't have been possible" " if it weren't for you." " Oh." "Thank you." "(chuckling):" "Oh, that's great." "You're welcome. (chuckles)" "I want out." "What?" "What happened?" "It was awful." "Those are not the same kids" "I used to see when I came home at night." "Those kids smelled good and were delightful." "Well yeah, it took me all day to get 'em that way." "You were just getting the greatest hits." "Yeah." "Now it's the deep cuts." "The... the drum solos, the bass player sings a song." "They didn't even clean up after themselves." "It's like living with three tiny truckers." "Look, honey," "I understand you had a tough day," " I do." "I do." " (scoffs)" "But the thing you need to remember is:" "you already got your reward, so, no takey-backsies." "I'm just not all-the-time guy, okay?" "I'm Daddy fun times!" "I'm..." "I'm like Johnny Cash." "Okay?" "I fly in, I play the prison, everybody loves me, and then I'm out of there." "I don't want to be the warden." "Well, I don't want to be the warden, either." "I mean, it's not like I'm so great at it." "No kidding." "Teddy?" "He has his hands in his pants all the time." "He opens doors with his shoulders." "Well, I think we're better off with him not touching doorknobs." "Yeah, look, all I know is" "I gave you three perfect babies." "And as far as I can tell, you ruined 'em." "Whoa there, Johnny Cash," "I think you mean we ruined 'em." "Uh-uh, no, no, no, for 13 years, you have been in the driver's seat." "I was just riding shotgun." "Well, it doesn't matter who was driving before, because you're behind the wheel now." " Oh, really?" " Mm-hmm." "Well, then, guess what," "I'm taking my hands off the wheel," "I'm opening the car door, and I'm rolling out." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'm rolling out the other side." "Then I'll see you in the gutter." "It's where I found you." " Hey, Mom." " Hi, cuties." "How was your day?" "We don't want Daddy to stay at home anymore." "Oh..." "We had to line up, in a line." "So we were wondering if you could... you know, stop going to your job." "Sometimes the wisest words come from children." "Well, you guys were okay with it yesterday." "Our snack was Listerine strips." "Okay, just let me talk to Daddy." " That means yes!" " Oh, really?" "Yes!" " Thank you." " Thank you." "How's this supposed to work?" "I mean, I'm not quitting my job." "So what, I'm just supposed to do everything myself?" "Well, sounds like a plan that makes everybody happy." "You know what?" "You can be a real jackass." "Maybe it is one word." " Morning, everyone." " Good morning, Mom." " Morning, Mom." " Morning, Mom." "You okay?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm great." "I, uh, got up at 5:00 this morning, and I-I figured out an after-school schedule, a couple carpools, couple play dates." "Now I just have to do morning drop-off a little early so I can get to work on time." "I got this." "Are you coming to Ice Cream Sundae Fun Day?" "That's today?" "Um... yeah, you know," "I-I-could just..." "I can ask my boss if-if-if-if I can miss, uh, my second day, uh... (weakly clears throat)" "Oh, jeez." "Mommy's having a little trouble breathing." "Okay, kids, your mom and I need to have a talk, so, uh... get in the pantry." "Come on, take your cereal with you." "This is why these open-floor plans don't work." "There's no place to have a private conversation." "Teddy, one hand on the bowl, one hand on the spoon." "Okay, I don't think this is working." "I don't want to quit my job." "Yeah, well, you shouldn't have to, okay?" "This is important to you, and I am not gonna stand by and let you be treated like this." "Why are you yelling my side of the fight?" "I don't know." "I feel bad." "I don't like it." "It makes me want to yell." "Well, I feel bad, too." "I mean," "I don't want to turn everything upside-down." "All right, look, we don't have time to figure this whole thing out now, okay?" "I'll take the kids to school, I'll do Sunday Dumb Day, but just for today." "Okay?" "We need to find a solution that makes you happy, and me happy, and the kids happy, and me happy." "Okay, I get it." "You want out." "But look, the most important thing is that the kids are taken care of." "That's right, we're all about the kids." "All right, I gotta go." "Bye." "You left something." "Forgot my phone." "Adam!" "I know, I know." " (keys jingle)" " Can't go anywhere without these." "Hey." "Hey." "I volunteered to be your assistant today." "I'm finding myself very drawn to your alpha-male energy." "Don't say stuff like that, Lowell." "It's weird." "Such an alpha." " Hey." " Oh, hey, Marie." "Look, I'm sorry for what I said yesterday about Victor." "I..." "Actually, it made me think." "He has hit a rough patch." "I'm a single mom." "Maybe..." " Victor could use a male role model." " Oh." "Maybe next weekend you could take him camping?" "Oh, uh, I..." "Gotcha." "You were sweating." "Oh..." "He was sweating?" "I was sweating because he's my role model." " Andi." " ANDI:" "Hey, guys." " Hey." " Hey." " What are you doing here?" " Oh, uh, took an early lunch." "I thought you might need some help." "What, are you checking up on me?" "Well, you did leave the kids in the pantry." "You put your children in the pantry?" "You know, Victor could use a little pantry time." "Go scoop something." "What's going on?" "I was just thinking about what you're going through, and, you know, maybe you're right." "Maybe you're just not cut out for this." "Not cut out for this?" "That's what I say when I fire people" "Are y... are you trying to fire me?" "Well, let me tell you something, love of my life." "I don't get fired, okay?" "I have a 99% customer satisfaction rate." "I have a plaque from the county, which I said we should hang in the den, and you never did, and now nobody can find it." "Okay, well, there's a big difference between building houses and raising kids." "Not true." "Not true at all." "They both need a solid foundation." "That's right, didn't see that coming, did you, huh?" "Look, all I know is I can take care of our kids." "Didn't see that coming either, did you?" "Well, great." "Do you have a plan to get the kids in line?" "Yes, I do." "But it's a secret. (laughs)" " So..." " Great." "Can't wait to see it." " Good luck." " Good luck?" "That's the other thing I say when I fire people." "Good luck!" "I don't need luck." "I need help." "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but, Lowell, what do you think I should do?" "Well, I managed to get my girls addicted to lottery scratchers, and I simply withhold them when they don't do what I say." "Well, first of all, good luck with your future exotic dancers." "Plus, I don't have time to get my kids addicted to something, and then take it away, I need a solution now." "Oh, my God." "My iPad is at one percent." "What do I do?" " Kill your apps." " Dad, give me your phone." "I just need a little something to get me to the house." "Relax." "It's like you guys are addict... ed to those." "(chuckles)" "My little junkies." "(chuckles)" "And... panic." "We can't get online!" "Nothing works." "W-what's happening?" "Is it the Wi-Fi?" "Is the Wi-Fi out?" "No, it's not out." "I just installed a rolling Wi-Fi password." "Every day, the password will change." "And until your chores get done, you won't get your fix... the new password." "So pick your clothes up off the floor, put your backpacks where they belong, and keep your hands out of your pants!" "Oh, my God, you've gone crazy!" "At least ease us in." "Maybe today is just explaining it, and then tomorrow..." "I know you're mad at me, but you know what?" "That's okay." "Because I'm not your friend." "I'm your father." "I'm the warden." "And it's my job to rehabilitate you." "Now, my chores are done, so I have the password." "If you'll excuse me..." "I have candy to crush." " Hey." " Hi, honey." "Wow, it's so clean." "And quiet." "Did you put the kids in the pantry again?" "No." "It's clean and quiet because..." "Daddy won." "That's right." "And I didn't yell at them." "I outwitted 'em." "Like the Roadrunner." "Ooh..." "Oh..." "Thank you." "Look... (sighs)" "I love you, and I want to do this for you because you deserve it." "And now, I know I can." "So don't worry about the kids." "I got it." "Wow." "I think this might be the most attractive you have ever been." "I agree." "So I guess me coming to school was worth it." " What?" " What?" "Wait a minute." "So you came down to the school... and you said all that stuff... so that I would... to get me to..." "No." "I had it and I lost it." "It's too complicated." "Eh, drink your beer, Roadrunner." "Yeah." " KATE:" "Hey, Mom." " Hey, guys." " Uh, Dad?" " Yeah?" "We just wanted to say we were sorry." "We were super inconsiderate." "And spoiled." "You're then best Daddy in the world." "Aw, I love you guys." "Bring it in." "Come on. (chuckles)" "Mm." "Daddy, can we have a puppy?" "Oh, sweetheart, you know we can't." "Well, maybe we should think about a puppy." " Really." "Mom?" " Mom, are you serious?" "(kids shouting excitedly)" "What happened here?" "Everybody loves Johnny Cash."