"Hang on, Lizzie!" "I can't walk!" "It's too hard!" "Then I'll carry you off this mountain." "I'll carry you for as long as it takes to get you home." "Cut." "Man." "How heavy is that kid?" "What, does she got weights in her pockets?" "We'll finish this after lunch, people." "Have a nice lunch." "Maybe just a salad." "Hey, Joey." "Bobbie." "Hey." "Everyone, this is my agent, Bobbie." "Hello, everyone." "I just watched your last scene." "You're all so lucky to have work." "So, what do you think?" "You excited to do it?" "What are you talking about?" "Did I not tell you?" "I'm a little off." "I was looking through my purse for my wallet..." "... andI accidentallyTaseredmyself." "So, what's the news?" "Well, The Tonight Show had a cancellation for tomorrow..." "... andtheycalledtoaskmeifI had anyone who could fill in." "I suggested you, and they said yes." "You're kidding." "I'm as stunned as you are!" "I'm gonna be on The Tonight Show?" "Oh, my God." "Unbelievable." "This is one of those moments..." "... I've dreamed of my whole life." "The only thing bigger than this would be..." "... I don't know, like, making my Oscar speech." "Oscar?" "Did you get Tasered too?" "The creature that made this must have been gigantic." "Look out" "Shouldn't you be in bed?" "Tomorrow's your big day." "I can't sleep." "I'm too nervous." "Don't bother, I ate it." "You feel like watching it again?" "Sure." "Tune in tomorrow night." "My guests will be Colin Farrell  Deep Powder's Joey Tribbiani and musical guest Maroon 5." "Good show." "Didn't he sound kind of excited when he said my name?" "I bet you he can't sleep either." "I still can't believe it." "Tomorrow night, I am gonna be sitting on that couch." "Is it lame that I'm this nervous?" "No." "No, this is huge." "But, Joey, you're gonna be great." "Thanks." "You know, it's just, when I was a kid..." "... Idreamedaboutbeing on The Tonight Show." "Johnny Carson would introduce me and say, "How you doing, Joey?"" "And I'd say, "Just great, Johnny," and now that day is finally here." "And I'm so scared, because" "Afraid you'll say "Johnny" instead of "Jay"?" "It could so happen." "I spoke to Mom." "Everyone's so excited." "They're gonna watch at Mary Angela's  exceptMaryTheresa,who has  to be home to watch Nightline." "That bitch, with her current events." "People in the building are excited too." "Really?" "Yeah, well, it's a solid two hours they know you won't be in the hot tub." "Got your suit." "Oh, great." "Thanks." "Did you know there was a woman's number in the pocket?" "Oh, my God." "To find a number I thought I'd lost forever." "It's like the beginning of a great romantic movie." "Oh, her?" "No." "So do you have your stories prepared yet?" "Well, yeah, I got a few choices." "Hey, tell me what you guys think." "It's a couple years ago at Halloween, and I'm going as the Grinch." "Love it." "So I meet this girl at a party..." "... and because I'm drunk and she's wearing a catwoman mask  I just assume that she's pretty." "Stop." "Wait a minute." "I didn't get to the funny part yet." "So it turns out she was only 1 7." "Maybe a different story." "Okay, well, I know a joke." "This old French whore walks into a bar." "Yeah, I don't think she does." "No, no." "No, not on The Tonight Show." "Joey, you gotta have something other than dirty jokes and sex stories." "Like a heartwarming family story?" "Exactly." "Okay." "Oh, here's something." "One of my sisters breast-fed her kid until he was 7." "So, what happened to this French whore?" "Jay." "Jay." "Jay." ""Hi, Jay, I'm Joey." "Johnny."" "You had it." "I think that's as close as I'm gonna get." "I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna do." "Should I breakdance?" "No." "Birdcalls?" "An impersonation of Jay." "Really definitely no." "Seriously, Michael, could you drive any slower?" "There's a lot of traffic." "I can't be late." "I go on in an hour." "There should be a Tonight Show lane." "Hey, that guy in the red truck just cut you off." "Pull up and give him the finger." "No." "What?" "Because it's stupid." "You know, I don't insult the things that you do." "Now, come on." "Flip him off." "Ma, no, I've never given anyone the finger in my life." "Never?" "That's the Tribbiani handshake." "Look, you're never gonna see him again." "Just do it." "What are you, scared?" "No, I... ." "Are you a baby?" "Are you a big baby?" "You are the best mom ever." "Do it." "She's never gonna leave you alone." "Okay, okay." "You happy now?" "How'd it feel?" "Pretty good." "Can you believe this?" "Michael gave a guy the finger..." "... you're gonna be on The Tonight Show." "Let us remember this day." "We're slowing down." "What's the big deal?" "You said I'd never see this guy again." "We're stopping next to each other." "Great, we can take it to the next level: swearing." "Gina?" "Oh, I got it." "No, Mom, no, no, no." "Just... ." "We're not moving." "Is he still right next to me?" "Pretty much." "Oh, my God." "The guy's staring at me." "Well, sure." "You gave him the finger." "Look ahead." "People are getting out of their cars." "Why are they getting out of their cars?" "Oh, my God." "I can't be late!" "I'll find out what's going on." "I'm good with people." "Hey, what the hell?" "Hello?" "Joey, oh, I'm so glad I caught you." "There is a major traffic jam on the freeway." "Do not take the 1 01 ." "I'm already on the 1 01 ." "You actors never listen!" "Just get your ass over here." "You are not gonna believe it." "What?" "I just met the hottest guy!" "Oh, dirty hair, great arms, drives an El Camino." "Gina, what about the traffic?" "Well, a truck jackknifed, flipped over, spilled stuff everywhere." "The driver's okay, but I bet he's so fired." "So, what does this mean?" "They closed all five lanes till they can clean it up." "It'll be about an hour." "An hour?" "I can't wait that long." "All right, I'm gonna have to run for it." "How far are we?" "Like nine miles." "Nine miles in 45 minutes." "Can I do that?" "Are you a Kenyan man with a number on your back?" "I don't know what that means." "All right, I'm gonna give it a shot." "Aggravated an old injury." "What, football?" "No, no, a threesome." "All right, I'm never gonna make it there on foot." "I'm gonna call Bobbie and see what my options are." "Hello?" "Bobbie?" "Is that you?" "I just Tasered myself again." "I think on some level, I may be doing it on purpose." "Find out what The Tonight Show does if someone's late." "Oh, I am so on it." "Hold on." "Mom, what are you doing?" "I want a picture of you and the first guy you ever gave the finger to." "I'd tell him to smile, but I don't think that's happening." "What?" "His license plate says "Judoman."" "He's not that big." "He can't be Judoman." "That's Judoman." "Joey!" "I talked to the producers, and it turns out if you're late  theygiveawayyourspot and you're banned from the show for life." "That's terrible." "Isn't there anything else you can do?" "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to crawl there?" "I have to get there now, otherwise I'm never gonna be on The Tonight Show." "I got 40 minutes, all right?" "Let's brainstorm." "What are some ways I can get the hell out of here?" "Maybe we can get one of these news helicopters to come and pick you up." "That's great!" "Okay, we gotta get their attention." "Let's use our bodies to spell out "Joey Tribbiani  needstogetto The Tonight Show fast! "" "I'll be the J." "What?" "God, this is ridiculous." "Well, you got any other ideas?" "That hot guy had a good head on his shoulders." "I'll check in with him." "How is that gonna help me?" "Okay, look, it's" "He asked me stop by and hang out if I had time." "I'm sorry, you have a date in a traffic jam?" "Don't put so much pressure on it." "Not that this isn't a great idea, but aren't you dating Joey's assistant?" "Look, Glen's great, but there's no ring on this finger." "Oh, that's hilarious." "They think I'm flipping them off." "Mom, put it down!" "All right, I'll be back." "They won't stop staring at me." "They didn't even ogle my mom." "Well, they're probably gay." "Oh, yeah, they heard that." "This is a Chinese black dragon." "And this means "flower of chaos."" "Flower of chaos?" "I've been called that." "That is so hot." "God, speaking of hot, huh?" "Yeah, I know." "It's gotta be 90 today." "What are you gonna do?" "Nothing but sweat." "You like music?" "Sure." "What's your favorite band?" "Do you know Whitesnake?" "No way." "I just got the Japanese release of Slip of the Tongue." "No way." "How is it?" "I got it in my car." "Don't go anywhere." "Don't worry, I won't." "Because of the traffic." "That's right." "Hey, anything happen up there yet?" "No, they're still clearing the road." "Nice car." "Thanks." "You got air conditioning in there?" "Yeah." "What's that?" "Bottled water?" "You wanna come in for some?" "Well, just for a little bit." "So did that lady give you her horse?" "No." "And the family in the minivan wouldn't loan me their big dog, either." "That's it." "A motorcycle!" "I just need to get a motorcycle!" "That shouldn't be hard." "I think that lady in the Acura's gonna open up a shop." "That's funny." "You know who'd get a chuckle out of that?" "Judoman." "Mr. Tanaka, the government holds documents with your signature..." "... implicatingyou in your company's misconduct." "Hopefully that's the translator." "Alex Garrett." "You gotta get me a motorcycle!" "It is not the translator." "No, it's me, Joey." "I'm stuck in traffic on the 1 01 ." "The only way I can get to The Tonight Show is with a motorcycle." "Where am I supposed to get one?" "Someone at your firm's gotta have one." "Don't lawyers ride motorcycles on weekends..." "... so their lives don't seem so empty and boring?" "No." "I gotta go." "Okay." "I got a big problem." "Do you?" "So this El Camino guy is totally my type." "Very sexy, we have tons of stuff in common." "But then I met this other guy in a Mercedes." "Safe, kind of boring, but his leather seat's softer than my skin." "I just don't know what to do." "They're both so great, but so different." "I mean, do I follow my heart or opt for security?" "You've been gone 1 0 minutes!" "Oh, officer, officer." "I'm an actor and I'm supposed to be on The Tonight Show in a half an hour." "Any way you could give me a ride?" "You're on The Tonight Show?" "Wait." "You're Tony Danza." "Yes, I am!" "I'll tell you what." "I'm going past there anyway." "I'll drop you off." "This is great." "Thank you." "Sir, you have to get down from there." "Just a second, Mr. Danza." "Hey, please, Tony." "Oh, my God, I think it's gonna work!" "Officer Bradley, we have a 1 0- 1 2." "Oh, my God." "That's a woman going into labor." "How do you know that?" "I was a 1 0-1 2 on my way to the prom." "Officer Bradley, proceed to the blue station wagon at the 20-mile marker." "My God." "If he goes to help that woman deliver the baby..." "... I'll never make it to The Tonight Show." "He doesn't have to know." "No, I gotta tell him." "She'll be fine." "Women have been having babies on freeways for thousands of years." "That's a good point." "Ready to roll?" "I can't do this." "Look, officer  there's a 1 0-1 2 at the 20-mile marker." "Blue station wagon." "Oh, my God, a 1 0-1 2?" "I gotta go." "But before I do, can you give me one of your trademark catch phrases?" "Hey, Angela, I'm your nanny now, or whatever!" "I don't want to alarm you, but Judoman is now kissing his muscles..." "... andwrappinghishandsintape." "Hello?" "Joey  it's 1 0 minutes before you go on." "Can you get here?" "I'm trying, I'm trying." " need to know now" "If you can't make it  theyweregonnasendouttheguy from the zoo with his snake." "Oh, man!" "I'm not gonna be on the show and I'm missing a snake?" "Look, I'm gonna have to tell them you can't make it." "'m sorry, honey." "Yeah, all right, I guess you should." "I couldn't find a bike, but how do you feel about a motorized wheelchair?" "It's too late." "Bobbie's giving away my spot." "It's not gonna happen." "Oh, I'm sorry." "You wanna come with me to the Mercedes?" "You can collect yourself on the softest leather you ever felt." "I'd like that very much." "All right." "I can't take this anymore." "Michael, what are you doing?" "These guys have been staring for an hour." "The anticipation, it's gotta be worse than anything they can actually do to me." "Have you ever been hit in the face?" "It's not great." "I don't care." "I just gotta get this over with." "So come on, Judomen." "Yeah, come on." "Practice your dark arts on me." "They're not big at all." "No, no." "They're just crouched in some kind of attack stance." "All right, let's just get this over with." "Just do what you have to do." "Oh, we will." "What are you doing?" "Never perform judo without stretching." "This should only take about 30 minutes." "This will not end." "Hey." "I thought you were gonna bring me back the Whitesnake tape." "Gina." "Come back to the car." "I personalized the lumbar settings on the passenger seat for you." "Wait." "You were in his car too?" "You were in two cars?" "That we know of." "Hey." "I don't like what you're implying." "Yeah, right there, Judoman." "Hey, what do you know?" "The little one is Judoman." "Who you calling little?" "Hey, don't be mad at me." "She told him to give you the finger." "Oh, did she?" "She's with me." "I don't think she is." "Would somebody please just punch me in the face?" "Enough!" "None of these are problems." "I'm the only one of us with a problem, okay?" "I'm supposed to be grooving to Maroon 5 with Colin Farrell right now." "Instead, a snake is doing it." "Okay, so everybody just calm down, all right?" "You got it?" "Tattoo guy, huh?" "Mercedes guy, huh?" "Judoman?" "Guy who was sitting in the back of Judoman's truck  fornoapparentreason?" "I was watching a DVD." "You got a DVD in there?" "I can't believe I found you." "Alex?" "You wanted a motorcycle, I got you a motorcycle." "You call this a motorcycle?" "Do you know what I had to go through to get you this?" "I borrowed it from the cleaning lady at our office..." "... whohatesme eventhoughIhavebeen nothing but nice to her." "On the way here, I have been yelled at..." "... swornat,honkedat and I lost my shoe!" "If this isn't enough of a motorcycle for you, I can take it back!" "It's great, it's great." "I love it, I love it." "Yeah, you're damn right you do." "Okay." "All right." "Here." "call Bobbie, tell her I'm on my way." "Wait." "The helmet." "I'm not wearing that." "Safety first!" "Okay, okay, okay." "All right, wish me luck!" "Oh, good luck, Joey!" "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joey Tribbiani." "Joey." "Okay, stop." "All right, that's enough." "Now, stop it." "That's enough." "Joey?" "Joey?" "Please welcome Joey Tribbiani." "Joey, you look great." "Yeah." "So how long do you hug him for?" "Oh, it goes on for quite a while." "In about a minute, Colin Farrell comes out to try to peel me off him." "But you were on The Tonight Show." "Yeah, I was on The Tonight Show!" "See where Jay kind of shakes his head at me?" "Is that where you call him Johnny?" "That is where." "Subtitles by SDI Media Group" "[ENGLISH]"