"Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce..." "My Infant Fabuleux press preview's tomorrow." "You have to tell me if this is stupid." "I think it's beneath you." " Just admit you're bored." " No, no, no, no, no." "There's a big difference between being bored and being suffocated." "I want to sleep with you." "You're the one that wants to sleep with everyone else." "Jo, I thought you were coming tonight." "Eh, I decided not to lose the day." " Hey." " Hi." "I wish I knew." "You don't have to say it." "I wish I was in the right place for you." "I'm not the one who told you to tell the world you were full of shit." "Do I need to remind you that I don't know where our next dollar's coming from?" "I'm in real trouble." " I left Frumpkis." " What?" "For... good this time." "That's why Zooey's coming down." "We're starting over." "RULE # 32 F-YOU, ROB FRUMPKIS!" "I'm not getting sucked in again." "No, you crossed the line, Frumpkis!" "Zooey's moving out here because you are in no shape to be" " Shh!" "Keep it down." " What's that in the background?" "You're gonna wake everybody up." "Are you watching porn?" "Oh, my God." "The whole household can hear you." "Okay, you sick mother-- I'm hanging up." " Unbelievable." " Everybody hears you." "I hear this moaning and this music and then some dude yelling, "I want to come on your tits."" "Lilly coming down the stairs." "Good morning, sweetheart." "How did you sleep?" "What's with all the yelling?" "Lilly, let me tell you a few things about men, okay?" "They are beasts led around by a one-eyed snake." "And that is the opinion of one very angry woman." "Lilly, don't forget that Jo's daughter," "Zooey, is coming to visit." "Yeah, you told me, like, a million times." "Stop calling me!" "Lose my number, you disgusting pervert!" ""Yeah, you disgusting pervert."" "Wow." "I didn't know that Horny knew that kind of language." "Well, his name is Horny." "Chad teaches Horny a lot of bad words, Mama." "Does he?" "Can I go watch TV now?" "You can watch one program." " Yeah!" " Drink your juice." " Come back for breakfast." " Okay." " Let me ask you something." " Yeah." "Is Frumpkis on the same page as you about Zooey being in California?" "Not exactly." "He doesn't even know what day it is." "Then you need to get with a lawyer on that." "My friend Lyla, when she left" "Oh, yeah, what happened to her?" "Where is she?" "Oh, my God, are you kidding?" "I have told you that 8,000 times, but your head is always on the screen." "You need to actually look up once in a while, maybe make eye contact with somebody." "There's no fighting it." "Our children are cyborgs." "Robots are taking over the world." "But don't worry, because the robots are gonna round up all the old folks like me and your mom." "They're gonna grind us into food for the Asians." "That is terrifying and racist all at the same time." " That was impressive." " I try my best." "Jesus, even watching you put clothes on makes me hard." "Everything makes you hard." "Hey, gorgeous," "I was in a sexless marriage for almost 11 years." "Velcro makes me hard." "I'd ask you to come back to bed, but you'll probably say no." "I can't." " Courtney knows about us." " What?" "Why didn't you say something?" "I wanted to tell you, but we weren't doing much talking last night." "She threatened to go to Albert unless we give up the Asian market." "What did she say exactly?" "Among other things, that she'd have me disbarred." "Well, screw her." "Tell her to do her worst." "Gordon, her worst is to have me disbarred, and there goes my career." "And anyway, what ever happened to," ""who gives a shit about Korea?"" "I don't, but I do give a shit about that woman pushing us around." "And you don't even need a career." " You have me now." " Excuse me?" "I love my job, and even if I didn't, what, you're gonna take care of me and pay for the life that you've ruined?" "No, thank you." "Delia, listen." "Wow." "Look at that." "Does she eat?" "L.A., it's just so relentless-- The sun, the sky, the color, skinny, sexy--where do the depressed people go?" "Oh, they're all depressed." "They're just heavily medicated." " Are you serious?" " Yeah." "I just want my kid." "I need my kid." "Your kid's not even gonna recognize me." "I haven't seen her since she was, like, six years old." "Oh, she will recognize you." "She's got a lot on the ball." "Trust me, she's my brain." "She reminds me when my pap smears are, seriously." "I wouldn't tell people that." "Hello?" "Warren?" "Hi." "Abby, everyone's still buzzing here about your pitch." "Really?" "That's so exciting." "Look, an editor at Huffpo loved it" "The whole train-wreck post-split Abby angle." " Well, that's not really" " They want you to do a piece." "Ten dates in two days" "Really play up the whole dating disaster angle." "Go big on the shock value, the funny." "Yeah, but that sounds so gimmicky." "It pays $1,500, and the Huffpo divorce section is huge." "You impress them, you get your own column." "You're back in a big way-- Books, TV." "Think about it." "Okay." " He hung up?" " That's what they do." "Um, Huff Post wants me to date ten losers in two days." "I could do that in my sleep." "I don't want to write about wacky dating." "I want to be more authentic, you know?" "Well, you'll be authentic when you get your own column." "In the meantime, bullshit." "♪ Bullshit ♪" "Hi." "Hi." "We're at an impasse." "Yep." "So let's solve it the way we used to back in the day." "Okay." "Rock, paper, scissors?" "N--uh, you, me, scotch." "Scotch." "Later, once the kids are at school, and we don't leave the table until we agree." "Done." "Good." "How much?" "$5,000 in child support and $5,000 in spousal." " Dollars?" " Yeah." " A year?" " A month." " A month?" " I know." "But look, believe it or not," "Jake could have asked for a lot more." "These were the figures that were generated by DissoMaster." "What is the DissoMaster?" "It's the state-generated support guidelines that the courts use." "And they call it the DissoMaster?" "What is it, the master of diss?" "That is ridiculous." "Honey, you made a lot of money last year." "Last year, yes, but this year I would be lucky to make half of what I" "It puts the heat on." "I know." "We have to negotiate this." "Jake can't expect me to spend $10,000 a month on him." "Of course." "That's just their opening salvo." "But child support is what it is." "It's five grand a month." "Ugh." "Do you know ten awful guys who might be willing to date me?" "Can we just talk about what a heel he is?" "Because I'm just ready to punch Jake so hard," " he's gonna be shit teeth." " I love it when you get all aggro on my behalf." " Mama." " Hi, hi, hi." " Okay." " How are you?" " Can you believe it?" " I'm so sorry." "I got your message." "This little Princess right here, she's in sticker shock." "I'm homicidal." "Would an $8 tomato make you feel better?" " Mm." " I say we get wasted right now." "Just get out of this ridiculous cornucopia and to the nearest bar." "Lovely, but I have to focus." "This is work." "I need to find ten horrible dates for my Huffpo piece." "Point me to the Internet." "Hello?" "I have a sixth sense for finding terrible men." "What about Will?" "I mean, he's not horrible, but his dates start great and end in bar fights, tears, drama." "Oh, no, I don't want to do that to him." "Why not?" "He likes you." "I'm sure he'd be willing to help." "It's like Doom Face always says, when you see a door open, you just walk right through it." " "Doom Face"?" " Life coach." "Mine." " What?" " Yeah, that's right." "I know." "I know." "But she's the best." " I can't believe it." " I know." "Ever since I ditched the jewelry line, I just" "I need a little guidance, career-wise, life-wise." "She's having me interface more with Anouk and Luco." " I love that." " Yeah." "And get this, big news-- Man-cation." "No dating." "Nothing until I find my own path." " This is very good advice." " I know." " Very good." " I know." "You know what?" "I already--I'm feeling more focused." " I can see it." " More grounded." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Where are my children?" " You came with your..." " Oh, my God." " Children." "Oh, my God." " Anouk?" "Luco?" "I-- They're just so bad." " I'll go this way." " Wait." "I'm sorry." "I'm gonna go this way." " You have kids?" " Luco." "Robbie, go ahead and grab another case off the truck." "You two..." "I said no nightshade veggies, and when you walk with Mama, you have to keep up." "I hate to break it to you, but I think these two just ate their weight in nightshades." "Oh." "Oh." "Uh, we're just trying a new system of eating, so it doesn't matter." "You know, none of my business, but how can eating organic heritage vegetables of any kind be bad for them?" "They have allergies, so we're on an elimination diet." "Ah, well, now you'll know if they're sensitive to tomatoes." "How about broccoli?" "They like broccoli." "Do you have any broccoli?" "Yep, big old pile of broccoli right there." "I will take one of those heads of broccoli." "You pick." "Perfect." "That's a perfect piece of broccoli." ""Homegrown Urban Farm." ""An urban farm working with recovering addicts to give them employable skills."" "Really?" "Yeah, really." "You know, getting clean isn't just about not using." "It's about finding a new joy and purpose." "A lot of them find that here with us." " Kids are found." " Oh." "That's fantastic." "Great." " Cute." " Awesome." "Oh, there they go again, the slippery little shits." "Oh, my God." "This is, um, my new" " Marco." "Yeah." " Yeah, Marco." "Hi." "Abby." "He tantalized my kids with his fabulous produce, and he grows veggies and helps people in recovery." " Does he, now?" " Yeah." "That's great." "I was just about to tell him that I am going to volunteer." "What?" "Really?" "Sorry." "That's great." "Um, it was so nice to meet you, Marco." "Don't forget your broccoli." "Okay, bye." "Um..." "What happened to your man-cation?" "Oh, my God, I'm not into him like that." "It's just--he does good, and I want to do good, and Miss Doom Face said that I need to volunteer so I can be inspired and learn." "Oh, my God, give me that." "Where do you put it, woman?" "You are always eating crap." "Yelling at Frumpkis burns calories." "Mm." "Oh, all the girls are up for Sunday." "We're thinking drinks in the afternoon." " You had me at "drinks."" " Perfect." "Okay." "Heads up." ""Mustelid Man" -- This guy you have to date." "The profile reads," ""Why you should date my ferret and the man who loves him."" "Will you please message him?" " Of course." " I am racking them up." " Yeah, you are." " By the way, I, um" "I left a message for Will." " Oh, the hot embryo?" " Yeah." " Nice." " You know, Phoebe was right." "He was my favorite mistake of the last few months, and if he's down for it, why not?" "Oh, and Doug Franklin from NYU." " Do you remember him?" " Yes." "Yeah, so he emailed me out of the blue" "Well, "out of the blue" -- When my divorce went public." " What?" " Yeah." "Doug Franklin, what an asshead." "He pumped and dumped." "It's perfect." "I mean, I've got, like, a stuntman, who should be hot." "I've got a yoga guy." "I got a comic, a speed seducer." "That's what he calls himself." "Honey." "Honey." "I found your husband." " Oh, my God." " Oh, yes." "Glad to be here." "Who posts a picture of that?" "Tons of guys, but this one put a bow tie on his dick." " Wow." " Okay." "Tell you what we're gonna do." "We're gonna get crazy now." "Take that, magic Mike." "Well, yours isn't in formal wear, so it's not fair." "Well, it's au naturel." "Zooey, hi." " Sweetie!" " How are you?" "Hey, mi'ja." "How are you?" " How'd you get here?" " Oh, I missed you so much." " I took a cab." " From LAX?" " Yeah, she's a New Yorker." " By yourself?" " Come here, sweetie." "Come on." " That's not safe." "May I set down my things?" "Of course you can." "Come on in." "How are you?" "Lilly, Zooey's here." "Oh." "Come say hi." " Do you remember her?" " Hi." "How was your flight?" "Fascinating, actually." "My seat companion was an engineer from JPL." "Mars 2020 is really coming along." " Who's my little Mensa?" " Abby, if it's all right..." "I'd love to unpack, get organized." "Of course you can." "Lilly, will you give Zooey the grand tour?" "She's gonna be bunking with Jo in the guesthouse." "Mom, have you been eating these?" "Uh, no, they belong to Abby." "Can you hide these?" "Refined sugars make Mom short-tempered." "Seriously, I become another person." "No problem, honey." "It's so nice to see you." "You too." "Have fun, you guys." "I love you." "Ms. Beech." "Does Kelly do your facials?" "She does, yeah." "You too?" "No, first time." "I read somewhere that" "Was it the profile on you in W?" "What do you want, Miss Banai?" "I was thinking about our last conversation, and I did a little research and found out that after Gordon left the company, your factory in Seoul closed abruptly." "We had a dispute with a local union and jumped ship." "That doesn't make any sense." "Korea's such a vital market for you." "Unless you moved production to a much cheaper factory in rural Bangladesh, a factory with a long history of labor violations, so long, one might call it a sweatshop." "A revelation of this sort could really affect the public perception of Courtney Beech." "It is... possible... that we could come to some sort of agreement." "Your daughter?" "Okay, Rob." "Rob, listen to me." "Half of the time, you're working, and the other half" "It doesn't work out that way." "No, I'm just-- I'm by myself." "Hey." "Hi." "Charlie, your dad's here." "Wow." "What's the occasion?" "It's not as exciting as it looks." "It's for the Huff Post piece." "I'm just meeting a tinder guy for drinks." "Well, you look great." "Well, I'm not seriously dating." "Hi, Will." "Is that the guy from the garage?" "Garage guy?" "No, no, I'm super happy that you called." " Oh, yeah, not serious at all." " Can I ask you a question?" " I was wondering if, um..." " Where's your brother?" "We got to go." " I'll get him." " Charlie?" "HERE GOES NOTHING..." "FIRST DATE!" "You must be Abby." "Steve." "Wow." "Your picture did not do you justice." "Thank you." "Um, either you are very under or I am very overdressed for this place." "Yeah, well, I was thinking, do you want a regular, boring date or an adventure date?" "Oh, uh, well..." "♪ I can be your something new ♪" "♪ I can be your something new ♪" "So I'm going, "no, no, no," and he pushed me." "Disaster one down." "No, it wasn't really a disaster." "It was--it was great and unexpected, and, you know, I jumped out of a flippin' plane, right?" "Oh, don't tell me that Stuntman Steve is a keeper." " You'd actually see him again?" " Oh, my God, no." "Do you know that he told me that the only bone in his body he hasn't broken was his penis?" "Yeah, it just made me realize that I need to take more leaps." "Metaphoric" "Phoric you!" "Phoric you." "Oh, why am I doing this?" "Hey, it's 2015, doll." "Men expect a lady to be groomed down there." "You mean bald." "It's creepy." "No, not bald." "Not bald." "Anyway, it's no different than having your eyebrows waxed." "Yeah, if my bush was on my face." "Okay, come on, come on." "Am I gonna be able to walk later, Delia?" "Because I have so many dates today." "I have seven at least." "How is that even possible?" "I have three in the morning." "I have two this afternoon." "Then I have a couple tonight" "Night, no!" "No!" "Shit." "Shit." "Sorry." "I'm so sorry." "Hey." "You okay?" "Ow." "Oh, Oh, my God." "I'm so sorry." "I can't do this." "I can't do this." "My back is totally tweaking right now." "Yeah, well, you signed up for a four-hour shift." "I'm sorry, but if I do not get ice on my back, it's gonna totally seize up." "Ow." "The thing is, if you bail now, crops don't get in the truck, the truck doesn't deliver the crops, and so on." "You understand." "I get it." "How about money?" "I've got money in my car." "I will pay for the crops and" "I don't need" "Phoebe..." "I need the crops in the truck." "Okay." "I get it." "How about I make it up to you next time?" "Tell you what, um..." "I'll take $200 for the cabbages that you won't load if you promise not to come back." "Wow." "I appreciate your effort, but I don't think you're cut out for this." "What--what you need to get what you want is for me to also want what you need." "No." "Wait." "What?" "I mean that the only way out of our situation is if I'm at least open to the casual encounters..." " Yes." " Like back in the old days." "Yes, and I would hope that you would act on it, because I love you." "What?" "Wow." "So my man wants me to screw other men because he loves me." "Because I-I need that excitement back, you know, for both of us." "And I would never, ever leave you." "Okay." " Really?" " But rules." "At least three degrees of separation and no repeats." "Good, good, and do we want to know before or no?" "Yes, yes, otherwise, every time that you were working late or I was stuck in traffic, we'd think the..." "So, yes, advance notice of intent." "Deal." "Deal?" "Deal." "Let the screwing begin." "And forward jump." "Inhale as you come to the top." "Yeah, a lot of people don't realize ferrets have actually been domesticated..." "So I'm incorporating seeds and nuts into my food plan now, which is a big step for me." "Don't worry." "All my ferrets are house trained." "All of them?" "But I-- I do feel fat." "I don't look fat, do I?" "Surprise." "Because it's a blind date." "Get it?" "Mmm." "It's a lot, though, you know-- Work, four kids." "I mean, they're all on travel teams and" "Hey, why don't you guys say hi?" "They just need a new mom." "I mean, I wouldn't want to date any of these guys, but it was hysterical." "I love seeing how this whole thing turns out." "I love being your disaster date bodyguard." "I really don't need a micro-bodyguard." "Okay." "Over your shoulder." "He's looking around." "Looks like that could be Mr. Bow tie." "Oh, my God." "I know that man." "He's a dad at school." "He is a married dad." "Erick Frank." "Oh, God." "Hi." "I thought you were" " Abby." " That's right, from school." "Our kids go to the same school." "I see you every morning." " Right." " How funny." "What a coincidence running into you." "Is it?" "Nice flowers." "I better get back to my business drinks." " You look great." " Oh, thank you very much." "I'll--I'll let your wife know that I ran into you here." "Please don't." "Please." "Oh." "You're gonna-- You're gonna have a blast." "Going for work, babe, in Texas." "Last time I checked, I'm still black and gay." "Austin is not Texas." "So, um..." "Are you gonna use your-- Your hall pass?" "Well, Austin is at least three degrees of separation, so I..." "Right, that's what I figured." "Don't worry, babe." "Go out." "Have yourself some fun too, okay?" "Okay." "Love you." "Your picture-- It was mostly just your body." "You posted a photo of your man junk on the interweb." "I know." "It's the only way my wife won't recognize me." "Erick, that's-- That's insane." "It's just" "She can't stand me." "We barely touch." "Well, wouldn't therapy be better than, you know, dressing up your meat puppet?" "I want to, but she won't give it a chance." "Well, if it's so bad, why stay?" "Why does anybody stay?" "The kids." "Look, I'm not gonna lie to you, telling" "Telling the kids about our divorce was" "Was one of the hardest days of my life." "But who's to say what's the best for kids, divorce or two miserable parents?" "I'm so grateful to be unstuck." "We were paralyzed." "I don't think I'm as brave as you." "I didn't feel brave." "I don't feel brave." "But everyone deserves to be loved without cheating or lies." "And never being touched," "Erick, that's not-- That's not a way to live." "Oh, my God." "It is so beautiful." "When Courtney attacks, I see red and strike back, which is why we need to move this divorce along." "Mm-hmm." "But I've taken care of everything." "She has no choice now but to split Korea 50/50." "That's right." "How did you know?" "I pushed back the date of separation." "I slept with her." "Oh, my God, is this a joke?" "Delia, rationally recognizing our options, it was the right move." "You're an idiot." "She played you." "I got her to agree to a 50/50 split today." "She had sex with you to get back at me." "What?" "How?" "It doesn't matter, okay?" "I won..." "Without prostituting myself." "Well, why didn't you call me?" "Because I wanted to tell you in person." "It didn't occur to me that you would screw her." "It's in the past, all right?" "We'll just--we'll move on." " Don't." "You don't touch me." " No, listen" "No, first you declare some kind of affection, and then you have sex with Courtney?" " For us." "I did it for us." " Oh, my God." " You need to get out of here." " No." " Delia." " You need to go." "Get out." "What are you doing?" "Doug doesn't deserve that." "No, no primping for pump and dump." " Don't you start in on him." " Are you crazy?" "Don't you do it." "You're the one that asked to come." "I believe your words were, "It will be fun to catch up."" "Well, my inside words were," ""Dear God, I don't want to be alone another minute."" "Don't worry." "I'm gonna be very nice." " Promise." " Okay." "So you remember all that stuff that you said to Dressy D?" "Mm-hmm." "I'm thinking maybe Frumpkis deserves another chance." "That's what you got from it?" "The man loves me, and he promised me that he's gonna" "He's gonna clean up his act, so..." "Jo, how many times has he said that to you?" "And what about Zooey?" "You can't just keep jerking her around." "I-I just-- I-I don't know." "Where is Zooey?" "Uh, she took the bus to Santa Monica." "She wanted to see the beach." " Alone?" " Yeah." "By herself?" " She doesn't get lonely." " That is not safe." "Oh, my God, you're so neurotic." "Of course." "Oh, look who became a big gordo blob now?" "You know who else I just saw?" "Oh, what's her name?" "Uh, the girl who was always a little off." "She had the face, and" " Oh, Sue Kettles." " Yes." "Yeah, with the Bell's palsy." " Oh, remember when" " With the what?" " Yeah." "She had Bell's palsy." " Remember when" " She did not." " Oh, my God." "Are you kidding me?" "Her face was half-paralyzed." "She had shingles when we were little kids." " What?" " Don't you remember?" " No." " Yes." "We hooked up." "She never told me this." "You are the dumbest man I've ever met." "Wow." "It is so late." " I have got to go." " Oh, I'll go with you." "No, no, no, I have my--my date with Will tonight, remember?" " Oh, the hot fetus." " Date?" "I thought-- I thought this was a" "This has been so swell." " Thank you." " Yes, it's been swell." " I will see you later." " Real swell." "Well, no, no, Jo, you stay." " I'll drive you home later." " No, it's okay." "She--she can give me her-- Her Uzi account." "Uber, and you could get your own account at this point." " You could afford it." " Okay, okay." " I'll see you later." " Bye." "Nice to see you." "I can't really stay that long 'cause I dropped the kids off at the kids' club at the Paradiso, and Lilly looked like she was gonna murder me in my sleep." "I'm--I'm sorry." "Thanks for coming out..." " to meet me, man." " No, no." "I just need to get my mind off of that" "I can't believe Ford is liking the pool bar at the hotel." "It's so desperate." ""Here I am, hotties."" "Okay, maybe let's not, um, tweet stalk anymore." " Right, I'm sorry." "Sorry." " Just be here." "No more obsessing." "What?" "No." "No." "What?" "You--I'm not here to be your wingman." " Okay, wow." "Just" " No." " Rela--Dude, relax." " Come on." "Abby's brother." "Wow." "Dude, you know what?" "The Becca thing is still in my head." "I'm just" "There's a True Blood, like, Skarsgard look-alike at the end of-- Don't look over there, please." "I'm just saying he's eye-banging you pretty hard, and I don't swing that way, but he's a handsome devil, and if you wanted that hall pass, there it is." "Oh, I know why Skarsgard's staring at me." "He works at the Getty." "Ford introduced me to him once." "I'll go say a quick hi, and then I'll come meet you at the E.R." "Mm." "Come on." " Hi." " Hi." "Long time." "I meant to call, but with the kids..." "I'm sorry." "I can't hear you." "I just keep thinking about kissing you." "♪ This ain't love, it's clear to see ♪" "You're so tan." "Just got back from Pakistan." "I was trying K2 again." "Yeah?" "You mean, like--like, Everest?" "Oh, no, Everest was easier compared with K2." "I had to-- I had to turn back again." "Oh, my God, your failures are so sexy." "Shh, houseguests." "Oh, sorry, sorry." "You know, last time..." "That I offered to cook for you, you ran like I offered to light your hair on fire." "So what happens if I try again?" "It depends on what you're cooking." "Name it." "I love a challenge." "Frittata." " Ooh." " Yes." " Wow." " Do it." "Just like that?" "Hang on a second." "Wait." "Are you asking me to sleep over, Abby McCarthy?" "That's, uh-- That's a big step." "Yes, I am." "Mm." "You know, this article that I'm working on" "Yes, yes, the, uh, ten dates." "Hang on a sec." "I'm not just here because you have blue bean, am I?" "Blue bean, I don't" "That's horrible." "Oh, my God." "No." " No?" " No." "It's because I met a lot of guys, and none of them were you." "Finally." "Did you hear that?" "Yeah." "Are you a good girl?" "Jesus Christ, Jo!" "Oh." "Oh, oh, I know." "I know." " I just" " It's a great couch." "Oh, he didn't, uh-- He didn't even come yet." "We didn't get any jizz or anything like that on it." " Oh, wow." "You are hot." " Do you hear yourself?" "You're actually using your outside voice." "This is awful." "What if Zooey had walked in and seen this?" "This is awful even for you." "Zooey's fast asleep, but-- Even for me?" " I think I should probably" " What do you mean?" "This is not 1992, Jo." "You can't just bring some dude home and screw him on our couch-- On my couch." "Should I have gone to the guesthouse with Zooey there?" "That would have been-- Hello?" "Oh, was that a parenting decision?" "That's the first parenting I've seen you do all week." "You are out of control." "You have no boundaries." "You have just come steamrolling into this house like you own this place, and your daughter" "My daughter is a wonderful girl." "Don't you say one goddamn thing about her." " Your daughter is wonderful." " Yes." "And she acts like she is your nanny." "She's my life, okay?" "She's my life, and I spent five seconds with your girl, and I got that she's a brat." " She is a brat!" " She's a little mean girl." "She's a brat because she is a teenager, and she is supposed to be a brat." "Your daughter behaves like she is a 40-year-old woman." "How about this?" "You say nothing about my kid again, ever, ever." "You say nothing about my life, okay?" "'Cause we all know you give some shitty advice." " Oh, okay." " You give shit advice." "You want some shitty advice?" "Get the hell out of my house." "Okay, fine." "You know what?" "Screw you." "Zooey and I are going back home tomorrow, 'cause I have a husband who still wants me, yeah, and loves me." "I have never had it." "Hey." "I got to get going." "Hey, awesome." "Um, aw." "I, um--I think I'm gonna hang for a bit." "Mm-hmm." "What?" "We're just talking." "We'll see, Mr. Discipline." "Whatever." "Any movement from the houseguests?" "Mm, no." "I mean, Zooey usually gets her mom coffee around 11:00." " Wow." " Yeah." "I'm sure that Jo is not speaking to me this morning, anyway." "Maybe this can help." "Better be good." "Mmm." "Oh, my God." "It's so good." "Thank you." "What?" "I've also been experimenting with writing..." "A book." "You're a writer?" "Well, I don't think you can call yourself that when you haven't been published, but I did write this." "It's about my last time up Everest." "It's a lot of pages." "You just had that in your bag?" "Yeah." "Look, you can totally say no, but I was kind of hoping you would take a look at it and tell me what you thought." "Sure." "Are you sure?" "That didn't seem sure." "I'm nervous about it." "What if I-- What if I don't like it?" "Oh, well, then you just tell me what you don't like, and I'll try and fix it." " Really?" " I'm--I'm a big boy." " Really?" "You can take it?" " I think so, yeah." "All right, I'll read it." "But say you do like it, would you be comfortable passing it on to your editor?" "Um, yeah." "Sure." "Wait, wait, wait." "What, uh--what just happened?" "No, it's fine." "I'll just, um" "I'm gonna put it on my desk, and I will read it." "Cool." "Thanks." "He says, "Do you mind passing it on to your editor?"" "That is terrible." "I don't see the problem here at all." "It's a couple of booty calls, and then the old chick helps you with your career." "No, that is not Will." "It's sexy." "You have beauty and clout." "He loves it." "Or he is selfish and crass..." " And Abby's getting played." " Oh, my God." "That's right." "And I should have known." "I mean, I'm almost 20 years older than the guy." "Bullshit." "Why is it okay for a man with power to date a younger woman who benefits from it, but not the other way around?" "I don't like it the other way around either, and--and I want to be the pretty, pretty princess." "I don't want to be a resource." "Are you sure your friend won't be joining you?" "Not unless you have a straw that stretches 3,000 miles, but thank you." "I'm sorry about Jo leaving." "Her New York attitude would have been fun." "She would have loved hating this place." "Divorce-- It's not for wimps." "Oh, my God, that dress." " That's so beautiful." " It's a little much." "No, no, it's gorgeous." " What's happening with you?" " I'm fine." "I'm just a little distracted by work, I feel like." "I am too." "I'm distracted by work too." "I'm supposed to write this article on my crazy disaster dates, and there weren't disasters." "They were weird and--and fun and..." "You got to kiss a ferret." "I got to kiss a ferret, which is not the article they want me to write, so I have no thesis." "'Cause that'll be a great article." "Great, well, guess what." "You guys have jobs." "Congratulations." "I, on the other hand, got fired from day one of volunteering." "It turns out I spent all that money on life coaching, and Doom Face and I can't even haul a box of zucchini properly." "So what?" "You can't pull off overalls." "Just let it go." "No, I don't want to let it go because it's what I want to be doing." "Marco is doing what I want to be doing, and it gets hard, and I bail." "So you need to go back." "No, cannot go back." "Promised him I would not go back." "Oh, you know what?" "Screw him." "He's being a pretty-ist." " Oh, shit." " Oh, no, no, no, no, no." " Jesus." " Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, my dress is ruined." "No, no, it's dry cleaning." "It's just dry cleaning." "I have a great one." "Oh, my God." "God, it's ruined." "Abby, my dress is ruined." "Everything was perfect, and now it's ruined." "I don't think this is about the dress." "What's happening?" "I am-- I'm having an affair." "I had an affair with Gordon Beech." " Oh, my God, I knew it." " Gordon Beech, your client?" "It's so against all the rules, and it is so, um..." "Risky and so stupid, and I never do things like this, and he's sleeping with his wife." "He had sex with" "I mean, literally just to sign the papers, but, God, I was so mad, and then I thought later that this was his weird, twisted way of-- of doing it for us." "And he treats me like a goddess." "I mean, he bought me this dress, and..." "Oh, my God." "Delia, you're in love with him." "I hate love." " Hi." " Hey." "Car's coming in ten, and then we'll be out of your hair." "I'm sorry I didn't have time to wash the sheets." "I-I'm sorry about last night." "I-- Really, I overstepped." "But come on, you--you got to give me a break." "I mean, of course I got angry." "I'm gonna have to burn my couch." "Don't go." "I know you're going through an incredibly hard time, but I promise you there is so much good on the other side of it." "I swear." "Yeah, you've made it look really delightful, Abby." "It is delightful." "I'm delighted." "Even my disaster dates were delightful..." "Because I'm free to have new experiences and to meet new people." "And with Will, I feel like" "Okay, well, that might be over, but..." "Jo, just to feel" "Just to feel like anything's possible?" "I'm--I mean, the disaster is staying miserable because it's familiar and new is scary." "That's a disaster." "I tried something new with Doug, and it was disgusting." "That's because it was Doug, and Doug is disgusting, and you have no impulse control." "But..." "I don't want to get a divorce." "Who wants to get divorced?" "Nobody wants to get divorced, but I'm telling you, once you step into this..." "This life, you will think," ""What the hell took me so long?"" "You got to give it a chance, Jo." "You got to stay." "Stay for yourself." "Stay for your daughter." "Stay." "Can we?" "I want to." "So..." "We'll stay." " Really?" " Yeah." "Thank you." "I'm sorry I'm such a crazy asshole." "I'm so sorry." "But she knows." "She knows it's" "And I'm gonna try some of that L.A. stuff, okay?" "I'm gonna try the meditation and the chanting and shit." "Good." "You're gonna be a nightmare in those classes, but good." "Thank you." "Dude, what the hell, man?" "Been here three hours." "Worked her ass off." "Lot of yoga." "Strong core." " Hey." " Hey." "Eight more boxes to go, and then you owe me a beer." " Phoebe, listen" " I know." "I promised." "But isn't this a place about second chances?" "For addicts in recovery." "Okay, well, maybe I am in recovery from being a silly, superficial chick." "What you do here is important, and I want to be a part of it." "So are you gonna help me or what?" "♪ I had me a boy, turned him into a man ♪" "♪ I showed him all the things that he didn't understand ♪" "What do you think?" "I think, uh..." "It's nothing like I expected." "I think it's frickin' brave." "It's gonna upset a lot of people, and, uh, yeah, you could make some, uh-- some real haters." "WHY AREN'T YOU DIVORCED YET?" "BY ABBY MCCARTHY" "Well, good, because I am the new Abby McCarthy," "and I say bring it on." "MAIL ACTIVITY OUTGOING MESSAGES..." "MESSAGE SENT"