"Georgia?" "No, it's too ordinary." " Sophia." " No, it's too obvious." " I was right..." "It's a foreign language book." " That's good." " Why?" "Intellectual depth." "She's learned a new language." "There's a bit more to it than just a potential for nudity." "That's not bad, Jeff." "Here's the first time you've managed to express your view... without lowering my opinion of you." "Plus, learning a new language is like a whole work-out for the mouth." "There are times when I worry about the way you see women." "I see women as people in the wrong right." "In many ways, they are." "You see women as transport for breasts." "I can see past..." "I can see past breasts now, Steve." " I need more than that." " Yeah, I can tell." "I need breasts with brains." "I don't mean individual brains, obviously." "Well, no." "I mean, not a brain each." "I like intelligent women, but... you've got to draw the line somewhere." "And you draw the line in intelligent breasts." "I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding." "Besides... you give breasts a part of independent thought... and the next thing is they don't get on." "There's a clash of personalities." "Yes, it so often happens with similar people in similar jobs." " Working in the same bra." " Exactly." "And what if a fight broke out?" "It can be a tough image to shake really, isn't it?" "You know, I've got an idea for a new porn-film." "You know what would be the best way to wipe out all of humankind... if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind-ray?" "No, I don't believe it's ever come up, mate." "Make all women telepathic." "Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads... they'd kill us all on the spot." "Men are not people." "We are disgustoids in human form." "Wabble wars." " What?" " Wabble wars." "The title for the new porn-film about the battling breast-brains." "In the event of the mind-ray alert stand next to Patrick." "Yeah, but we're all the same as Patrick." "You see, women think we are normal, like them, 'cause we talk to them like normal people." "You know." "We say "Hello", "How are you?" "Haven't seen you in this place before"." ""What kind of music do you like?"" "But all the time in our brains we've got the word "breasts" on a loop." "If we ever lost control for a second... we'd all start shouting BREASTS, BREASTS, BREASTS!" " Did you see that?" " Yeah, I certainly did." " You've got a glance, Jeff." " No." "Yeah, I confirm that was a glance." "We have confirmed glancing." "Ok." "Try to maximize your advantage." "Get over there and talk to her." " Don't say "breasts"." " I can't talk to her now." "Why not?" "I've been watching her for an hour." " So?" " What do you mean, "so"?" "I'm way past the nudity buffer." "Be serious!" "When you say things like "nudity buffer"... do you actually expect people to understand what you are talking about?" "Right." "When you first see an attractive woman... you've got a nudity buffer of maybe... five minutes before you fully mapped out what she looks like naked." "A whole five?" "You got to assess her nipple type." "That takes time." "Good point." "If you don't get in there and talk to her during the first five minutes... it's too late." "Because then she'll be naked in your head, and you'll forget rule one of playing it cool..." " Which is?" " Only smile at her face." "Forget the nudity buffer." "She's just did another glance." "Forget it?" "Forget the power of the buffer, Patrick?" "Did I ever tell you about the little redhead in my office?" " Never mind about that redhead." " Been there two years." "But I missed the buffer." "That redhead has been naked in my head... for two years now, performing deviant sex acts... that would make the world's top porn stars go white... and steady themselves on the furniture!" "I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room." "Every time she passes me in the corridor..." "I walk sideways into the wall." "She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem." "Jesus." "Definitely a look." "Possibly even in linger." " She touches her hair, you're in." " Her hair?" "Yeah, their second thought is always to worry about the hair." "What, when they see someone they like?" "Just generally." "This is not a drill!" "She angles an extremity in your direction, we're in business!" "Incoming!" "Right, Mr Spock, put the Enterprise on red alert!" "And you know what that means!" "Captain Kirk, it is time to shag the alien's girlfriend!" "Do you remember when Captain Kirk saw beautiful women, the screen would go all misty?" "I thought his eyes were steaming up 'cause he was so excited." "Every time I talked to a girl in my class..." "I tried to make my eyes steam up!" "They called me Scary Jeff." " Scary Jeff, beam over!" " I can't!" "Just get over there and get her some drink stuff." "Chatting casually is dead easy." "And the next time you walk past the office redhead, you just smile at her." "I tried smiling at her once, and destroyed a water cooler." "Go!" "No, I've got all that disgustoid stuff in my head now, what if I say "gusset" accidentally?" "My advice?" " Yes." " Don't." " Thanks." " Anytime." ""Two minds, one bra"?" "No, I'd prefer "Wabble wars"." "Serve me again, please." "You can read." "I mean, you are reading." "Sorry." "It's nice to see people reading." "Not a lot of people read these days." "People prefer to... hear." "But all this hearing is just reading for lazy people," "Kids today should be prepared to pick up a book, and not just go around the whole time with all these modern ears." "Sometimes I just wanna rip people's ears off and say:" "Read a book, for God's sake!" "I'd probably say "read a book" first, and then... rip their ears off, for otherwise they wouldn't hear me." "I'd probably wouldn't rip their ears off at all..." "I'm not a violent person, I like ears, especially women ears, they are my favourite." "I don't mean I collect them or anything." "I don't have a big bucket of women ears hidden away somewhere." "No, I'm not after your ears really." "Not as there's anything wrong with your ears." "If I was some kind of mad ear person... your ears would be the pride of my... ear bucket." "Oh my God." "I forgot how to understand English!" "I hate it when that happens!" "She's from Israel." "She speaks Hebrew." "So sorry I exist." "Men get so disappointed when the flat-chested friend turns up." "It's a bit unfair, it's hardly your fault." "Thank you." "So she doesn't understand a word I've been saying." "Nope." "Result!" "Result?" "That's the first good thing that's ever happened to me, ever, ever!" "She's apologizing for letting you talk so long." "No, no, no, it's great!" "I was explaining how I collect women's ears." "No, no, no, it was a joke, hahaha, a joke!" "So, is she your interpreter, then?" "Yes, I am her interpreter." "Sorry, that was a bit redundant." "Yes, that was a bit redundant." "Sorry about all the redundancy." "Can I phone her sometime?" "How?" "Good point." "Anyway, she's going back to Israel." " Well?" " How did it go?" "She's leaving the country." "She doesn't speak English." "I insulted her friend's breasts, and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket." "Well, you've had worse." "The girl with two brains!" "Three brains, Patrick!" "Oh yeah, I forgot about that one." "Her eyes will be the first to go." "She'll crease them with all that smiling." "She'll have crinkly squinty eyes like an Australian." "Or an unmarried aunt." "So, what do we think of her breasts?" "So good, that's as if they're on purpose." "Spectacular, aren't they?" "The bigger they are, the further they fall." "You're a cruel woman, Sally." "A woman's breasts are a journey." "Her feet are the destination." "You say such horrible things!" "Do her neck now." "That's all part of a talk I give at my salon, for women who've just turned thirty." "Gravity: this time it's personal." "The point is, are they fake?" "Of course they're fake." "They're so... realistic." "Yeah, they're all perk and firm." "Are we supposed to believe that?" "Bet she doesn't lie on her back and feel her armpits." "Sally, in case you didn't realize, you said that out loud." "She'll probably run to fat in later life." "She'll probably inflate like an emergency dinghy... the day after she marries a billionaire." "Actually... that's my plan too." "Face it, girls, we are looking at perfection." "Perfect hair, perfect breasts... and a bottom so tight it could do lipsynch." "And you know what?" "We are grown-up attractive women in our own right." "We are mature enough simply... to appreciate her as the thing of beauty she undoubtedly is." " You're right." " I suppose so." "So let's just try and be adult, shall we?" "Look, she still got the price tag stucked to the sole of her shoe!" " Where?" "Show me." " I see it, left foot!" "Oh, yeah, look at that!" "It's not even on straight, slut!" "Do you know, I really wish this didn't make us so incredibly happy." "I'm gonna tell the girls at the next table." "Oh no, don't." "One of them's got good lips." " Oh, here we go." " What?" "She's seen someone she likes." " Has she?" " Oh yeah, look at her!" "She's on "boy alert"." "Her head angle.." "yes!" "a private smile, suggest humour and approachability." "Cover glance, coming out..." "So who's the lucky guy?" " Could be the tall one." " No, the blonde one." " Look, there's Jeff." " Oh, yeah, right." "Could be the one in the leather jacket," " he's got that dangerous thing." " Yeah, he's the possibility." "Actually, all these guys are with someone, except Jeff." "Right." "So it must be a woman!" "You guys might be missing the obvious here..." "Haven't you considered she could be looking at Jeff?" " No, but seriously..." " I'm serious." "Yes, she is." "It's Jeff!" " No, not Jeff." " Yes." "But she's not meant for a guy like Jeff." "He's supposed to have someone plump and organized." "Healthy looking but mottled." "Probably called Joan or Frieda." "All chunky jackets and hillwalking and they'll get married and she'll age badly, and I'll just seem prettier and prettier..." "Sally... still out loud." "Think I'll say hi." " Jeff." " Susan!" " So what's this then?" " What are you talking about?" "Longing looks across the bar." " What longing looks?" " Who with?" "Brunette with the book." "¿Not the woman with a pricetag on her shoe?" "What?" " So what's the story?" " What story?" "Why should there be a story?" "Why are you suddenly going on about stories all the time?" "Who is she?" "Apart from gorgeous and giving you the eye..." "She was giving him the eye yesterday too." "Sorry, I'm late." "And?" "And I told her I collect women's ears in a bucket." "Why are you always apt to say something like that?" "I don't." "Audrey Watkins, my flat warming." "I was drunk!" "Worst charm line in the history of sex." "You're so gorgeous you should be embalmed." "I stressed that I didn't mean immediately." " She left by the toilet window." " At least she didn't move house." "That was a big step forward for me." "How's your next step forward going?" "Doesn't speak a word of English." "And she's going back to Israel anyway." "Hold her look." "Hold her look and wave." "Both at the same time - you mad?" "Do it!" "No, no, no, I can't, I can't!" "Jeff, listen to me." "Women want somebody with command, with confidence." "Someone who wouldn't take no for an answer." "We want somebody arrogant and gorgeous with a terrifying sexual appetite... and an amazing range of sexual technique." "But when it comes right down to it, you know what?" "We settle for man." "Go!" "But she won't understand a word I'm saying!" "Yeah, but on the plus side... she won't understand a word you're saying!" "I haven't thought of that." "So, have you "settled" for me then?" "Oh, don't be paranoid, Steve." "Of course I have." "Um..." "Hello." "Would it be alright if I sat here?" "Hi." "So, your interpreter's not here, then?" "I'm just saying, you don't understand what I'm saying?" "You don't understand...?" "No, no." "Let's not get started on that whole ear thing again!" "Oh, I wish to God I knew what any of that meant!" "I wish your interpreter..." " your interpreter was here." " Alice?" "Alice, yes, yes!" "Alice, yeah!" "You know what?" "There's something that I've always wanted to say... and now I feel that at long last I can." "Breasts." "Breasts, breasts, breasts!" "Oh God, it was good to get that out." "I don't know what the hell you have just said, but can I just say "bra"?" "This makes life so much easier!" "Thighs." "Tights." "What's your name?" "Hang on." "Name?" "Jeff, Alice..." "Hang on, hang on..." "Name?" "Look, name..." "Name." " Shadaim?" " Shadaim." "Oh, that's a beautiful name!" "Shadaim." "Steve, Shadaim!" "Shadaim!" "Oh, Alice, yes, we need Alice to translate." "For a bit, anyway." "Here, you mean here." "Tomorrow." "Seven o'clock." "Here, tomorrow night, seven o'clock." "Great!" "Yeah, bring Alice." "I don't know what this is about, but it's brilliant!" "I have no idea what you're saying, but don't stop!" "Gusset." "Gusset, gusset!" "Alice?" "Oh, you're going?" "Right, okay, I'll see you tomorrow." "Oh, right, I mean, bye!" "I'll see you tomorrow night." "I have no idea what you've just said..." "but English is such a sexy language." "Sit down." "Hello." "Sorry, my interpreter is not here." "Sorry, I'm not getting any of this." "You know, you are seriously cute." "I know you don't understand a word I'm saying... but you really are." "Very cute." "Alice?" "Oh, you like Alice, do you?" "Well..." "You really do like Alice, don't you?" "Lucky old Alice." "You're so sweet..." "Not getting any of this." "Oh, you want me to ask Alice and..." "Oh, you mean these?" "You mean my breasts?" "Breasts." "Breasts." "You really like breasts, then?" "Steve, breasts!" "Breasts!" "Oh God, you really like bossoms in this country, don't you?" "Poor old Alice, she's hardly got any at all." "You better not mention that, she's very sensitive about it." "So you really want to see Alice again, then?" "Ok, she'll be here... tomorrow... seven o'clock." "Alice will be here." "I know I shouldn't be doing this." "I know this is definitely wrong..." "but what the hell, I'm on holiday." "I'm going back home tomorrow night, do what you like with Alice." "Tonight, since it's my last night here... why don't we go off and... misbehave?" "You're so sweet!" "Alice's friends are here." "We better be careful." "Look." "I'll tell you what." "I will leave now." "And you follow me in five minutes." " Five minutes." " Five minutes." "I'll see you in a moment." "Five minutes, breasts." "I'm so in!" "Hi." "I was told you'd be here." "Is something wrong?" "Sorry, I was expecting Shadayim." "They arrested him?" "Yeah, Heathrow." "They kept him there for hours." "Just 'cause he was looking for that girl?" "Yeah, but you know Jeff." "He gets a bit carried away." "All he was doing was running around the airlounge just shouting her name." " But they've let him go now?" " Yeah, yeah." "Suggested counselling." "I've got it." " What?" " Perfect." " What?" " The girl with two breasts." "Patrick, that is the stupidest title yet."