"At this moment, young Ned is 9 years,9 months, 15 days, 10 hours,and 2 minutes old." "Awakened by loneliness-induced insomnia," "He found himself in desperate need of comfort." "And comfort for Ned meant pie." "The risks were great, but young Ned rationalized his rogue impulse-baking as sheep-counting." "What harm could come of a single pie, in the dark of night, with all the evidence ingested?" "He was caught in flagrante delicto by one Eugene Mulchandani," "Who immediately joined him in the act." "Ned and Eugene were unprepared for what happened next." "The aroma of freshly baked pie wafting through boarding-school halls awakened an entire class Who had but one thing in common " "They were all far from home and need comfort." "The longing and homesickness which filled the school like a plague was magically lifted with every bite." "And the party began." "Until the party stopped, and young Ned learned That even a forkful of immediate gratification can lead to a world of grave consequences " "A lesson to be learned again years later at the grave of currently dead father of Chuck, the woman he loved." "Ready?" "I'm ready, I think." " Wait." " What?" "If we both have half a minute, then you go first." "No,no,you go first." "If you spill over the first 30 seconds,then no biggie." "As opposed to spilling over the second 30 seconds, which is yes biggie." "I budgeted every second." "I won't spill." "That's not enough seconds." "You should have all 60." "We don't need to fact-find about Dwight." "I don't know what I was thinking." "You were thinking that you were trying to protect us from a mysterious, Potentially dangerous man." "You go first." "No,you go." "This is awkward." " Go first,or I'm gonna hit you with the shovel." " Okay." "Hello." "Hi,Mr. Charles." "Or should I call you Charles?" "It doesn't matter." "It's me " " Ned." "I lived across the street when I was a little boy." "It's me " " Charlotte." "Um,you've been dead for 20 years." "I'm sure you have a lot of questions." "Can you put them on hold for just a second and tell us -  is Dwight Dixon a dangerous man?" " Oh,yeah." "Oh,no.He stole Chuck's " " I still call your daughter "Chuck" still, like when I was 9." " 15" " No, I was 9." " Seconds." "Uh,Dwight stole your pocket watch and left a veiled threat about exposing a very big secret" "Which he knows that we probably don't want exposed" "Oh,if he's got the watch, you got nothing to worry about." "The threat's his insurance policy." "Now,you don't say nothing, he'll return the favor." "Good to know." "You're up." "The pie maker's gift of life lasted for one precious minute only," "A minute he eagerly shared with the Chuck of his life," "To give her but half a minute to catch up on a lifetime with a father long lost." "30 seconds were all he could give, and not a second more." "Ned?" "Ned." "Are you awake?" "As Chuck soundlessly broke the bonds of her plastic-wrap embrace" "And snuck away to see to business unattended, Vivian waited for Dwight Dixon," "Gentleman caller, unaware her sister lily chased him off their front porch hours earlier." "At the come and sleep hotel, sister lily would make certain Dwight Dixon," "Gentleman caller, would never call again." "Way I see this, we both got something you want." "What would that be, my spicy cocktail?" "I got my daughter's watch and you got your insides where you want 'em." "You're gonna dig up Charlotte's grave and you're gonna put this watch back where you found it " "After you tell me your real story." "Well." "It all began when I was conceived in the sweat and sawdust of a traveling carnival." "My mother was an acrobat named " "I GOT...... and Chuck seemed to be waiting for something else altogether." "I'm declaring it an emotional snow day." "But you love that cook-off." "And you and Olive didn't get to go last year." "I chose not to go last year." "I was busy." "Yeah,b-because of me." "I love being busy because of you, and I'm looking forward to being busy" "Because of you for the rest of the day." "You can't do what you did last night and not be a little..." "Overwhelmed." "Well,believe me, I feel plenty whelmed, but,um,not overly." "Overly is on its way, probably looking in the window right now." "You had to say "hello,again" and "goodbye,again" to your dad in 30 seconds." "I guess I just chose to look at it like it was 30 more seconds than I was supposed to have." "How did that go?" "It was still hard, no matter w much I budgeted my seconds." "The hello-againing was wonderful, and..." "The goodbye-againing wasn't." "Oh, Ned, look..." "You should just go to the cook-off." "You're trying to get rid of me." "No, I'm not trying to get rid of you." "I just..." "Maybe I need an emotional snow day,too." "You need an emotional snow day from me?" "Is this weird now?" "Are we weird now because I did "it" with your dad?" "No,we're not weird." "I've never been so in love with you." "But I'm also feeling a lot of other things " "So many things that I want to tell you and I can't tell you and I'm afraid to tell you And I don't know how to tell you." "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." "I mean..." " You do eventually." " And I will tonight." "I promise." "For the meantime, olive is depending on you." "She said two years ago, she could taste that first-prize blue ribbon," "And then that taste was replaced with the bitter tang of defeat." "Bitter tang,bitter olive." "It's a story." "And today it's gonna be a happy ending." "Come on." "Go to the cook-off." "Olive will love you for it." "Isn't it good to be back again?" "Just you and me, shoulder-to-shoulder, eye-to-eye." "Decorative hats fixed squarely on sweaty brows," "Bonding in the fiery kiln of competion that forges men's souls." "We're baking pie,olive." "Not just pie -- damn great pie." "This is our year." "We're in such a better place than we were two years ago." "I,for one, am no longer encumbered of the tension of a sexual nature toward you." "I'm focused." "We should have won last time." "Wouldhave won..." "Had we not gotten screwed by..." "The buffalo." "Sweet lord in heaven, how I hate the buffalo." "When you say "buffalo," do you mean the noble breed of bison lost forever to settlers' greed" "Or the upstate new york hamlet still thirsting for super bowl glory?" "I mean that big phony whipping up those crap muffins over there." "Marianne marie beetle." "They call her the pastry slayer." "Leo burns,the new comfort food cook-off coordinator, lover of all things foody." "Oh,and I just love that all foods are welcome at this year's comfort food cook-off." "It's like best in show, only "best in belly."" "Which means buffalo muffin will be locking those horns with Colonel Likkin." "He and the buffalo are the teams to beat." "The Colonel's been "best in belly" blue-ribbon winner 15 years running." "But there's an empty winner's plate waiting to be loaded." "With damn great pie." "Well, you're the pie holers!" " I'm a very,very, very big fan." " Stop." "As event coordinator, I'm not allowed to say this, but I'm rooting for you." "Oh,thank you." "Aw,he's a dreamboat." "Well,tugboat, but still." "Let's set up,partner." "Ted!" "It's so nice to see that you came back after taking a year off to lick your wounds" "And hide in the dank shadows of humiliating defeat." "And you were so close." "Yeah,mysterious." "It's as if someone deliberately sabotaged our oven, cheater mcgee." "It's a poor workman who blames his tools." "Just keep your oven mitts to yourself." "I intend to,as I present more award-winning muffins to the judges." "And you remember,now -- losing doesn't make you a loser." "Oh,wait -- it does." "Better get stuffing your pieholes." "But despite the freshly stoked heat of the competition..." "That buffalo is going down!" "The pie maker's thoughts strayed away from pastries to be made and toward Chuck..." "Wondering what she could possibly be afraid to tell him." "Hi,dad." "The secret Chuck was keeping from the pie maker was born the night before." "Hello,again." "I know I don't look like the charlotte that you remember,but " "Oh,u're the charlotte I remember,all right." "Button-button." "Cute as a button." "I miss you,daddy." " Isn't this nice?" " Yes." "Son of a bitch." "Now I'm eating into my "I love you" time." "Um,look,I..." "I love you,and,um..." "Happy birthday." "Oh,it's -- it's my birthday?" " Not today, but it was gonna be." " Then I died." "Yeah." "I never got a chance to give it to you, but now I can." "So I guess it kind of is your birthday." "At that very moment,a change of plan occurred to her." "Torn between the pie maker she loved and the father she lost, Chuck acted on impulse." "You're gonna put on my glove." "When Ned touches you, you play dead." "The pie maker gave every second he could give..." "I'm gonna be back to dig you up in an hour." "And not a second more." "You okay?" "It didn't feel like 20 years." "What did it feel like if it didn't feel like 20 years?" "Gliding." "Holding your breath and..." "Being able to breathe and just..." "Gliding." "I didn't glide." "What business would you have gliding?" "I died." "And then ned..." "Ned touched me." "But there was no gliding -- just Ned." "He never touched you again?" " No, he can't -- not without -- - good." "How is this even possible?" "You, me, here again in the here-and-now when we belong in the hereafter?" "Since when did death get a loophole?" "Since ned." "Your dreams, they're gonna be so vid now." "It's so neat.And my bees -  you have bees?" " Since you died." "And thentheydied, and then..." "Ned touched them,too." "Oh,god, and their honey -- you have never tasted honey like this before." "I hate to look in the gift horse's mouth, but i'm not gonna start craving human flesh,am i?" "No." "Although everything does taste better." "What's the catch, button?" "Hiding me away like every stray t,dog,and goose that met your acquaintance." "You don't want nedly-deadly to know that my bucket's still kicking." "Why?" "Is there a catch?" " Not that you're aware of." " What?" "Not that I'm aware of." "There's a catch." "And I'm gonna catch it before I get caught." "You gonna tell me what that catch is,button?" "I will tonight." "I promise." "As Chuck's plan was percolating, private investigator emerson cod gently extracted the delicate flavors of bolivia wara coffee grounds for a smooth,clean coffee experience on a morning" "That would soon prove to be anything but smooth or clean." "Emerson,i " "I need your help." "Friend help or pay help?" "See that?" "That's the kind of body language you never hear with pay help." "Ned brought my dad back to life, but only for a minute," "And when the minute was up,we retouched him, as we always do." "No biggie,but yes biggie, because in the heat of the moment," "My thinking wasn't so much as "thinking" but "feeling."" "And I tricked Ned with my glove, and now my dad's still alive," "And Ned doesn't know, and..." "Please help me." "What's the part about your gloves,again?" "I've used ned." "Now my dad'slive because of my impulse-control issues, and..." "Now somebody else is dead." "First of all,blow." "Second..." "Just relax." "You're not mad at me?" "Hell yeah, I'm mad!" "I'm steamed,furious,red-hot!" "And don't think I ain't gonna yell at you later!" "But for now,we should just put our heads together and try to figure out what to do." "Oh,you're slowing the roll,chief." "I'm in the zone." "Working awful hard for disappointment over there." "I'm going to win that blue ribbon, wrap it around her neck, and strangle her with it." "Olive, you're baking with hate." "Rich,buttery, high-in-carbohydrate hate." "You know what no one tells you about cooking with the dark side?" "The food is really good." "Revenge is a dish best served cold." "We're baking pie -- warm, delicious,happy-making pie." "Okay,help cook or get out of the kitchen,short-pants." "Fine." "Ah,the sweet smell of victory!" "Not this year, turd-muffin." "I'll shut your piehole good." "Bring it, stale-cakes!" "We're gonna win!" "Who's "we," sucka?" "I'm gonna win." "My husband, the Colonel " " He's dead!" "He's not just dead." "He's extra-crispy." ""BEST IN BELLY""COMFORT FOOD COOK-OFF"" "My husband,the Colonel -- gone forever." "I'm afraid it looks like he collapsed and fell into his own boiling oil." "I always knew one of his many massive heart attacks would do him in." "At least the Colonel left this world frying'." "Should be somecomfort." "There's no comfort in knowing that the secret recipe will die along with him." "It was his greatest and only legacy." "Surely he wrote it down." "Surely he didn't." "My husband was a fat-frying savt." "He kept that recipe stored in his head." "If only I could have him back for one minute to preserve his lasting,loving memory." "Olive,uh..." "I need your help." "Help me to, uh, help the widow." "How?" "Her husband's dead." "What are you gonna do -- haul him back to life and say,"Colonel, what's your recipe?"" "Maybe he left something behind." "Distract the paramedics long enough for me to,uh..." " Examine the workstation." " Ned..." "My eyes are -- they're bleeding!" "Help!" "I can't see!" "I finally know what my birds felt like." "Guess I'm dead,eh?" "Heart attack." "Not a lot of time." "And the widow Likkin wants to preserve your secret recipe." "Good woman, my bride." "Let's do it." "I got all 500 herbs and spices right up here." "Better pull up a chair and grab yourself a pen." "That sounds like a long trip down a lazy river we don't have time for." "Now, you can't rush goodness." "Did you say "heart attack"?" "I did." "Now,should we start with the herbs or the spices?" "Bushwah!" "Some carpetbagging coward snuck up behind, battered me in my own batter," "And shoved me into boiling oil." "That was murder,son." "Really?" "And you didn't see who did it?" "Attacked from behind." "They were stealthy, like a snake..." "Or a yankee." "Okay." "Uh,let's hit the headlines of the recipe, and with the time left over,we can circle back to the murder." "Oh,this is silly." "Are you sure you didn't write it down?" "I got one handwritten copy." "I keep it right here in my " " Here in my -- tarnation." "This fat-frying process seems to have robbed me of mobility." " There's nothing in there." " Impossible." "I've kept my recipe right there -- same spot for 30 years." "What scoundrel stole my secret recipe?" "I'll find out,and I'll find out who killed you,too." "But now I'm afraid time is up." "I hate to go,but at least I'm going delicious." "And as the Colonel went back to being dead," "Chuck faced the consequences of her impulsive decision." "The "bring dad back" part, I don't regret." "I mean, how can anyone regret being reunited with someone" "That they love and they thought they'd never see again?" "Point taken." "But the big problem -- maybe the biggest problem, in an objective sense " "Is the dishonesty with ned." "That and the "making someone else less alive" part." ""less alive."" "Nice euphemism..." "Killer." "We were at the cemetery in the dead of night." "Maybe there was no one else there." "Maybe no one else died." "You think this is a "sometimes" rule?" "Ned lets somebody live longer than a minute and somebody else has to die sometimes?" "No!" "It's an "every time" rule!" "There's some sucker out there dead in the leaves." "Oh, my God.Then maybe some sweet old lady with insomnia who was bringing flowers to her husband's grave..." "I mean, it could have been anyone." "I could have just killed any innocent -- all right,either way,we got another dead body to find " "A body that was deaded by ned, only he don't know about it on account of you never told him," "Which is the wrong I'm correcting." "I know." "I know what I did was wrong." "But I was spurred to action in the spur of the moment," "Which leaves me living in the deep,dark world of consequence." "But if you help me clean this up, then ned won't have to live anywhere but the bright," "Happy world of pie, and all we'll have to deal with is each other." "And your daddy." "You can't keep that from him." "Okay." "We'll find the body first." "But I'm telling you, right after that,you go straight to pie boy." "Don't be pecking me, woman!" "That's the peck of cahoots, which we are definitely not in." "Well, thank you anyway." "The cook-off will continue." "The Colonel would have wanted it that way." "His tragic heart attack must be honored by us -- his sacred community of fellow chefs." "Who now all stand a much better chance of winning." "Proceed." "I know it's a tragedy, obviously, but you know what they say " "When god closes a door, he opens an oven." "They don't say that, and if they do, they don't have much compassion for a dead Colonel." "Oh, I am not gonna let you bait me to get all soft and compassiony" "When we're this close to nailing this competition." "What would you say if I told you I think the Colonel was murdered?" "Boo-hoo." "More room at the top." "Oh,my god, you're not kidding." "I think the Colonel had a copy of his secret recipe and someone killed him for it." "How could you possibly know that by just looking at his dead body?" "I " " I'm an investigator." "Working with emerson cod has taught me things " "Deductive and inductive reasoning,evidence-gathering." "A dead body can say a lot..." "To the..." "Trained professional." "Anyway, my educated hunch tells me that there's a murder to solve." "You've never solved a murder mystery alone before." "I'm not alone." "Me?" "Oh, I just got all tingly." "and not just in the nether regions." "Okay,how do we go about this -- this whole p.i.thing?" "Do we just jam the gun in the suspect's mouth and say "sing,canary," "Or I'm gonna decorate this wallpaper with your guts"?" "Neither." "Technically, I don't believe you can blow someone's guts out their mouth." "Wuss." "Holy smokes." "Our oven's smoking." "Ned." "Sabotaged!" "I bet it was the beetle." "I bet it was the Colonel's killer." "I know this doesn't take the sting out of the responsibility, but I brought some cash." "I thought when we find the body, we'll take it to the nearest funeral home," "With the cash and a note that says "every human body deserves dignity." "Please bury this one."" "It'll be just like leaving a baby on a doorstep, only..." "The tail end of things." " And the point of this would be, say, what?" " Closure." "Well, I got a feeling the body we find is gonna give you anything but closure." "And where do you get that idea?" "Oh, I didn't just get it." "It was given to me." "By Dwight Dixon." "What was Dwight Dixon doing here?" "Let me show you something." " A rifle?" " Yep." "Looks like sweet old Dwight already had himself a shot lined up." "Your weighty conscience might not feel so weighty after you look through here." "Why would he have a gun?" "That's my father's grave." "He was trying to kill us?" "Not if you killed him first." "Why would he want us dead?" "As is traditional, the "why" in this case was met with an equal and opposite "because."" "upon discovering that the pocket watch he had stolen from Chuck had been stolen back," "Dwight set out to reclaim the mysterious timepiece one last time." "Following Chuck to the graveyard, Dwight assumed her intent" "Was to return the watch to the grave from which it had been stolen." "Ready to pull the trigger and reclaim his prize, Dwight paused," "Unbelieving the unbelievable sight he saw." "Dwight's mind reeled at the sight of the pie maker" "And Chuck desecrating Charles Charles' grave." "And,as is traditional, he decided to put an end to the thing he did not understand." "But,as all his reeling and unbelieving had taken exactly 61 seconds..." "No shot was ever fired." "If I hadn't have kept my dad alive, i'd have been murdered twice." "Yeah, once was enough." "And Ned -- he would be gone, too." "My accidentally killing Dwight lights up three points on our side of the cosmic scoreboard." "Plus, you save that bundle you would have blown on burying mr." "Boom-boom." "Better we bury him right here." "I got a couple shovels in the car." "We'll get him under the dirt before the "pay your respects at lunch" crowd shows up." "By the time the grass grows back over this plot," "It'll be like none of this ever happened." "And I can't wait till it's like none of this ever happened." "But it did happen." "Someone sabotaged our oven." "The flame won't shut off." "Let it burn -- maybe it'll destroy this building" "And all its memories of almost winning with the cleansing power of flame." "Olive,we're staying in the contest." "We are?" "We need to keep competing as cover so we can investigate Colonel Likkin's murder." "Winning would make an excellent cover." "Whoever killed the Colonel is a risk-taker,desperate " " Same as our saboteur." "So find the saboteur, find the killer." "Maybe we find our ingredients." "They took everything we need to bake pies." " I'm on it." " Olive?" " Vivian?" " Vivian?" "Vivian, what are you doing here?" "Oh,honey, have you been crying?" "I stopped by the pie hole, but it was closed." "And,yes, I was crying." "Why is the pie hole closed?" "It's man trouble." "I can tell." "I knew that Dwight Dixonwas heartbreak waiting to pop." "This is lily's fault." "She aimed a shotgun at his privates and told him to stay away from us." "But half of us is me, and I don't want him away." "I want him close." " Give us a minute." " Vivian, it's,uh,good to see you." "Come on." "Forgive me." "I" " I'm so wrapped up in my man, I'm thoughtlessly keeping you from yours." "Who?" "Ned?" "No." "No,we're partners in a contest -- unromantic partners, like a brother and a sister," "Like an asexual,androgynous brother and a sister." "Myman?" "No,that's a laugh." "When Dwight didn't show up for our date, I tried to laugh,too," "Tried to tell myself my feelings for him were silly." "But lying to yourself about love never works." " Damn." " I know." "But still, I keep lying and looking all the same." "If you see Dwight at the pie hole, will you tell him about the "looking" part?" "I'd like to see him." "I understand." "Boy,do I understand." "I found something." "The saboteur who sabotaged our oven left behind one sticky mistake." "Ooh,what is it?" "Toxic soot with a dash of dna?" "It's,uh,sweet,woodsy, like a berkshire forest on a crisp autumn morning." " Caramelized sugar." " Maple syrup." "Only one chef here uses pure maple syrup." " The waffle Nazi." " The waffle Nazi." "Good,ja?" "Ja." "Chuck had seen dead bodies talk before, but this was different." "This was just her guilty mind giving rise to her guilty feelings." "You're just my guilty mind giving rise to my guilty feelings." "Doesn't change the fact that you have royally screwed up." "Fine." "You talk,I'll shovel." "Was it worth it?" "Sure, fine, I'm a bad man." "You saved three good people by putting me down " "A three-for-one sale on the grandest scale." "Anytime with those shovels!" "What would you have done?" "Same thing,probably." "I'd have killed you,too." " But here's the difference." " Emerson!" "I would have told Ned by now." "Shut up!" " Who you talking to?" " Shut up!" "Nothing." "No one." "I don't need to talk to anyone about anything, 'cause my conscience is clear." "Good." "Then grab a shovel." "Ned will never forgive you." "This is an incredible violation of the p.c.f.c.o.rule" "That says no chef is allowed in another chef's kitchen." "It's immediate disqualification." "Concentrate on the killer." "That waffle Nazi is likely our saboteur." "Find the saboteur, find the killer." "Go,go,go,go." " Me?" " Go." "attention,contestants." "This is your 20-minute warning." "Any evidence linking waffle Nazi to Colonel Likkin would wrap this case up in brown paper" "And tie it up with a strong,sturdy twine." "Yeah." "Oh,yeah." "Hey,you know what I love about vivian?" "Her imagination." "She thought you and I were a couple now." "It's crazy." "It's like imaging us as hobbits..." "Or on jet packs..." "Or hobbits onjet packs." "Isn't the idea of us romantically entwined a panic,a scream," "A four-hour heart attack of complete impossibility?" "It all makes sense." "It does?" "This batter's better than batter." " It's the evidence we need to wrap up this case." " Hurray." "What is it?" "Mm delicious!" "Savory,not sweet." "Bursting with what's got to be like... 500 herbs and spices." "It's the Colonel's secret recipe." "And the killer on a plate." " Sir, I accuse you of -- - sabotage!" "You have sabotaged mein irons!" "W - we didn't do that." "Don't cry, mein herr." "Look -- it's justice o'clock." "I'm telling." "well,pie holers," "It looks as if you are soon to be eliminated from ze competition." "We're kicking you t before you baked yourself out." "When Leo burns tootles up on his scooter and sees how many rules you have broken," "Your dreams of comfort-food glory are kaput." "You saw our oven." "We were sabotaged,too." "Liars roast in hell." "Just sayin'." "We're not the saboteurs." "Mein waffle cord leaped into your arms like a puppy wanting love and then cut itself in two." "When we present the evidence we got, you can kiss the cook-off auf wiedersehen." "It's "goodbye" in german." "I do not speak a word of german." "I speak english mit a german accent." "Pageantry." "We found this batch of the Colonel's secret recipe in your kitchen." "That's a big bowl of motive,fritz." "Are you suggesting murder?" "Ridiculous." "Herr Likkin and I were soon to become business partners." "Chicken and waffles?" "Would have caught popeyes with their pants down." "What in the name of julia child are you people doing?" "I can't count the number of rules violations going on." "I'm so disappointed." "There may be the appearance of rules being bent or broken completely," "But there's a bigger picture you need to see." "I just haven't finished painting it yet." "Yeah, we're not the saboteurs." "Poppycock." "The pie hole is disqualified." "All right, that ought to do it." "Let's get out of here." "No,wait." "We need a priest or a rabbi or somebody to say something." "What?" "Dwight might not have been the nicest man, but everybody deserves a burial with dignity." "Fine." "I got buttloads of dignity to sprinkle on the ground." " Come on." "Get holy." " Thank you." "Here lies Dwight." "Here lies his gun." "He was bad." "Now he's done." "Let's go." "All this and I still have to deal with my mother?" "Don't you mean "father"?" "Lily." "Delighted." "Can the crap and sell it to the tourists." "What are you doing here, Cod?" "What in the hell are you doing here?" "Waiting for Dwight dixon." "Well, uh, he may, uh, disappoint." "Men do that." "What's with the shotgun?" " Military salute." " For Dwight dixon?" "For Charles." "But if I happen to miss and blow Dwight's head off, purely by accident," "Well,that's something my lawyers can pretty much sort out later." "Well,uh, so lovely catching up." "Well, that's everything." "But there's no trunk big enough to carry home my busted dreams of blue-ribbon victory." "Back to the pie hole." "Which is empty, which is strange, because Chuck should be there." "The Colonel's chicken booth." "An empty nest chock-full of clues." "A really bold detective team would sneak over for one last bit of recon before packing up their pots and pans for good." "remember, bakers' hats and hairnets must be worn at all times." "Memorize the scene -- every detail " "The prints in the batter, the footprints, the gurney tracks." "What's that?" "Oh,sprinkles." "I love sprinkles." "You love clues." "Two great tastes that taste great together." "Painted plastic -- cheap jewelry." "Left here before the Colonel was killed." "Which means they belong to the killer." "Attention,contestants, this is your 10-minute warning." "The most important thing is to keep our wits about us and our nerves steady." "There's no good in freaking out, so don't go crazy and start " " I don't know " "Kissing me or something ridiculous like that." "Just because we're locked in a trunk, we could die at any minute..." "What are you -- clean thoughts,chum." "Don't make me whip up another batch of beat-down." "Look -- cheap plastic earrings." "You're the killer!" "You're the killer." "You deep-fat-fried the Colonel." "Suppose you were gonna bake me in my own oven." "Nobody's baking anybody." "If you weren't here to kill the Colonel, wh were you doing here right before he got killed?" "I thought the Colonel died of a heart attack." "I only snuck in here to try to..." " You're the saboteur." " But not the killer." "Sabotage is a disqualifying offense." "In the good lord's good name, have mercy." "I need that blue-ribbon prize if muffin buffalo is to roam again." "You see before you a desperate woman, not a killer." "Marianne Marie Beetle!" "You can't be in here." "Disqualified." "Pie holers,you can't be in here at all -- banned for life." "Which reminds me " " I forgot to report your disqualification to the judges," " Which I'm going to do right now." " You're the killer." "Me?" "Look at me?" "I ride a scooter." "What kind of killer could I possibly be?" "The kind that leaves tracks." "Those are gurney tracks from where the paramedics wheeled away Colonel Likkin." "Those flattened treads that go from the batter back to the deep fryer are killer tracks " "Yours." "Those are hot-oil burns on your hands." "Did the Colonel spatter when you deep-fat-fried him, you sick son of a bitch?" "Pixie dust and lemonade!" "You have no proof." "That story will never hold up in court." "This will." "Oh,the Colonel's secret recipe." "You're busted, tubby." "The facts were these -- one year ago,Leo burns was a slender and happy but slightly lonely man." "One day,he chose to drown his sorrows in a bucket of Colonel Likkin's southern-fried chicken..." "Which led to another..." "And another." "And soon, the Colonel's unique blend of 500 herbs and spices were all Leo could eat." "Diabetes,obesity, and night blindness were all quick to follow the coated volumes of wings," "Breasts,and thighs Leo ate." "Having lost himself to Likkin," "Leo vowed to destroy the Colonel and his precious recipe." "Leo volunteered as this year's comfort-food coordinator," "Waiting for the Colonel to make his annual appearance, which would become his final appearance." "But Leo could not bring himself to destroy the secret recipe that robbed him of his life." "And that was his undoing." "attention, cook-off contestants." "All entries must be on the judges' table in 30 seconds -- 30 seconds." "Leo never reported our disqualification." "What can we do in 30 seconds?" "We have nothing, and our oven is broken." "Revenge is a dish best served cold." "Which is why I brought one of your killer icebox lemon pies," "Stored it in our fridge, and called it "plan 'b.'"" "Don't mean squat if it isn't on the judges' table in... 20 seconds -- 20 seconds." "The Colonel would be so proud." "Now that I have the recipe, that nice doughnut man and I are gonna go into business together." ""finger Likkin doughnut holes."" "Sounds delicious..." "And filthy." "America's favorite -- You'll make a fortune." "The blue-ribbon first prize in this year's annual comfort food cook-off goes to..." "The pie hole!" "* Close your eyes give me your hand,darling * * do you feel my heart beating?" "*" "* Do you understand?" "*" "* Do you feel the same?" "*" "* Or am I only dreaming?" "*" "* Or is this burning an eternal flame?" "*" "* Say my name...*" " it's Chuck." " It's..." "Olive." "No,it's Chuck." "I don't know where she is." "She said she'd be at the pie hole all day, and if she was there all day,She would have answered her phone." "Maybe she's stepping out -- steppedout." "I don't know where she is." "Vivian doesn't know where Dwight is." "What if Dwight leaving Chuck's obituary was more than an insurance policy?" "Do you mind if I go look for her?" "No, I don't mind." "Sorry to leave you with the mess." "I'm used to the mess." "* Sun shines through the rain a whole life * * so lonely and then you come And ease the pain *" "* I don't want to lose this feeling * * say my name...* olive?" "Congratulations, partner." "Congratulations to you,too, partner." "* Do you feel my heart beating?" "*" "* Do you understand?" "*" "* Do you feel the same?" "*" "* Or am I only dreaming?" "*" "* Or is this burning an eternal...*" "* Fla-a-me?" "*" "Ned." "Hello,vivian." "Lily." "I was in the neighborhood " "Passing by,really, when I wondered if you might like some pie..." "Which I forgot to bring." "But while I'm here, I was also wondering if you knew where I might find Dwight dixon." "Ninth circle of hell, if there's any justice." "Lily,stop." "We don't know where Dwight is." "And how could you forget a thing like pie?" "I find that curious." "It comes in a box,you know." "Say,you got a squatter in your old digs over there?" "I'll find out." "The pie maker braced himself to find Chuck held hostage by the deadly,desperate Dwight dixon." "Chuck?" " I was worried.I thought -- - charlotte." "It's okay,dad." ""dad"?" "I was gonna tell you."