"# When I met you in the restaurant #" "# You could tell I was no debutante #" "# You asked me what's my pleasure #" ".t A moyie or ft meftsure?" ".t # l'll have a cup of tea #" "# And tell you of my dreaming #" "# Dreaming is free #" "# Dreaming #" "# Dreaming is free # # l don't want to live on charity #" "# Pleasure's real or is it fantasy?" "#" "Hey, check this out." "Everywhere I go, people totally lose it." "I'm Victoria English... sorority princess of South Beach University." "And, oh, yeah, this year I've gotta makeover a bunch... of clueless freshmen into Gamma Gamma girls." "Oh, look at this Shakira wannabe." "See what I mean?" "She's taking a freaking cab instead of a limo." "Not hot." "See, Gamma Gamma sorority is in a contest... to become FHM Magazine's hottest sorority in the country." "Everyone wants to go to South Beach University." "A couple of years ago, they let unhot people in here... and things haven't been the same." "I guess i'll just have to put a blonde wig on this one." "Daddy, stop the car here." " But there's a spot up front." " Dad, this car is embarrassing." "I don't want people to think that I'm poor." "Well, honey, you are poor." "Look at this little minx." "This is Kristen Ass." "If I'd have known she'd come in that car, I would have never let her pledge." "Excuse me." "So there you have it." "A mission to turn the "wannabes" into the "be wanteds."" "Should be fun." "Smell that?" "That, my friends, is the smell of opportunity." "Fresh, un-tapped poon tang." "Did you just say poon tang?" "I mean, that's why they call them freshmen!" "Because their coochies are fresh for all us men." "What's going on?" " Hello, ladies." " Hi." "Welcome to South Beach." "I love fresh coochy!" "Victoria will be here in 45 seconds, ladies, so smarten up." "# Whoa, whoa, whoa #" "# Whoa, whoa, whoa #" "# Got somebody, she's a beauty #" "# Very special, really and truly #" "# Take good care of me, like it's her duty #" "Every year, school starts when I pop out of my limo and see my shadow." "But I can't see my shadow because I'm so thin." "Gamma Gamma pledges ready for inspection." "People say I shouldn't torture my pledges." "But I say, who says learning can't be fun?" "Sweetie, do you have any idea who I am?" "You're Victoria English." "And what do I do here?" "You're the president of the Gamma Gamma house?" "And the ultimate role model for every college girl on the face of the earth." "Starting to like this one." "Wait." "Whose top is that?" " Mine?" " No." "Whose top is that, gamma pledge?" "Dolce and Gabbana." "Ma'am, my top is Dolce and Gabbana, ma'am." " It's Dolce and Gabbana." " Don't you forget it." "What the hell kind of nail color is that?" " It's "cherries in the snow. "" " So last week." "Suck it off, Gamma pledge." "I will, ma'am." "You." "The shoes." "I saw those on sale last week, didn't i?" "No." "My mom sent 'em to me." "Those shoes are expired." "Totally unhot." "Two out of three, this is a disaster." " Morgan?" " Yes, Victoria?" "Ma'am." "Please explain to these jackasses what's at stake this year." "Listen up, ladies." "This year, FHM Magazine will be selecting the hottest sorority in the nation to be featured on their cover... and we are one of five finalists." "And I'm not gonna let a bunch of clueless pledges stand... in between me and the number one spot in the country." " Is that clear?" " Yes, ma'am!" "Victoria, we may have a little problem here." "What?" ""This year, the winning sorority must embody diversification."" "In other words, geeks, nerds, scientists--everybody." "Problem solved." "We'll just pledge some geeks." "We will?" "And when we win the magazine cover, let the fun begin." "Gamma Gamma Girl group hug!" "All right, that's enough." "I like the love... but let's not get all Ellen DeGeneres about it, okay?" "It's so good." " Kristen?" " Gloria." "Hi." "What are you doing here?" "Surprise!" " Mr. Haas." " Oh, hey, Gloria." " Hi." " How are you?" "Nice to see you." "Whoo!" "How are you doing?" " l'm great." " What is this?" "Well, I ran into Gloria's mom a while back, and she mentioned... she was coming to South Beach, so I made a few phone calls... and we arranged for you two to live together." " Bingo!" " Wow, thanks, dad." " Yeah, unexpected." " Full of surprises." "Well, I know what good friends you two are." " Were." " Like, in the ninth grade." "You two get reacquainted... I'll go get the rest of the bags, okay?" " Sure." " l'll be right back." "Are you sure this is what you really want?" "I don't understand why you have to live in the dorms... when we live in Coral Gables." "Oh, you don't understand." "'Cause I don't understand why you had to park your car... in someone else's garage." "And by car, I mean cock." " Mommy, what's a" " It's a rooster, honey." "Kathy, what do you want me to say?" "I keep telling you I'm sorry." "Yeah, you're sorry all right-- a sorry excuse for a husband." "Kids, mommy's going away to college." "And you know why?" "Daddy decided to sleep with some little tramp from his office!" "Well, see you Thanksgiving." " Bye, kids." " Bye." "Love you." "Hey, football, huh?" "Anybody up for a gangbang?" "Kathy, Jesus Christ!" " Victoria." " Baby Dick, I missed you so much." "Not as much as I missed you, my little English muffin." "This is my new boyfriend in training." "He's already progressed to week three." "Wow." "And, ladies, he's my property, so hands and eyes off." "Well, you can look." "Now go and be a good boy, and go get my luggage." "It's been on the sidewalk for ten minutes." "Right away, princess." "Oh, and Baby D?" "Gamsie needs to go potty." "Okay." "Thanks, bitch." "Hi there!" "I'm Kathy!" "I'm your roommate!" "Well, come here, you!" "Oh, it is so good to meet you." "We are gonna be BFF, you and me." " Maxine." "Nice to meet you." " Ooh, who's the hottie?" " That's my daddy." " Dirty son of a bitch." "Hey, roomie, do you know where l could find some pot?" " No." " Ludes?" " No." " Meth?" "Lsd?" "Pcp?" "Crack rocks?" "No!" "Well, looks like I'm gonna have to kick it old school." "Ugh!" " Here, let me help you unpack." " No, not that bag!" "Hey, good idea." "Sugar buzz!" "This fool's lucky he didn't walk into Gamma." "His pee-pee would've left on a stretcher." "Don't forget to call every night." "I promise, Mom." "Goodbye." "Keep an eye on that girl." "I think she might be disturbed." "Mom!" "I'm so sorry about that." "You know what moms are like." "Yeah." "Drunks with guns." " l'm Babs." " Tonya." "Open!" "Um, hi there. I think we found your roommate." "Yeah, we can't pronounce her name." "It sounds very exotic." " Uh, Senagarvar" " Senagarvarapoopoo Ghandasini." "Oh, poopoo!" "That's cute." "Very nice to make the acquaintance to you." "'Sup?" "Monique. I like your style." "Hi, I'm Maxine." "'Sup, Maxine?" "I'm Kathy, and I like to party." "Good to know." "I'm here studying music." "Word, homey." "I'm just here to get even with my husband." "I'm gonna nail as many guys as possible." "I'm just here for general studies, for now." "Hey, you girls wanna check out my new boob job?" "Doctor says they should realign themselves... and the scarring should go down in a few months." "I'm sure to land some man meat with these milk bags, huh?" "When living together, blondes and brunettes will always fight." "You look a lot different than the last time I saw you." "My solution?" "Let the blonde win." "No, I mean you look good." "Yeah." "Listen, let's just be clear." "We're not in ninth grade anymore, okay?" "We're different people now." "At least I am." "So let's not pretend we're gonna be college buddies, okay?" "Just because you got yourself some new clothes, and bleached your teeth, and fixed your nose." "I didn't get my nose fixed!" "God!" "Level-one, level-two, Ievel-three, level-four." "One, two, three, four." "How many Red Bulls did she drink?" "About the same as me--nine or ten." "One, two, three, four." "One, two, three, four." "One--ooh!" "No-no-no-no-no-no!" "PooPoo." "No, honey." "That's a vibrator." "Without my guidance... girls look for love in all the wrong places." "It's called the Platapussy." "What is a Platapussy, please?" "Well..." "No-no-no." "It's okay, it won't hurt you." "Who thinks it's time for poopoo to meet her special little friend?" " Ooh, I do." " Right here." "Well, it is an important American tradition." "Come on, sweetie." " Bye!" " Bye!" " Bye." " Have a good time!" "No!" "No!" "No!" "Going at it like a little hamster in there." " Yes!" "Yes!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " Poo!" "Poo!" "Poo!" "Poo!" "Poo!" "USA!" "Oh!" "I love this country." "Oh!" "Ah, ah, ah!" "Go, America!" "I like this new American Tradition." "Let's check those bad boys out." " Ready?" " Oh, yeah." "Look over here." "A time-honored college tradition is ignoring the three-way... in the bathroom stall behind you." "How much does he wish these lips were in that stall with him?" "What are you doing?" "My dog is such a perv." "I love it." "Mmm." "Now I'm craving sushi." "Moshi Moshi." "Paging Plumber Jones." "Plumber Jones." "What is the problem?" "Over." "There's a pipe blockage in the girl's bathroom." "We need you to go check it out." "This problem is solved." "Signing off." "Son, I realize you always wanted to be a plumber like your old man." "As long as people remain full of shit, we'll have job security." "Stay here." "I'm coming!" "It's a lovely smile, isn't it?" "Now, cleanliness is next to godliness." "I have been supervisor of this dorm for over 27 years... and I take personal pride in maintaining a sanitary and a wholesome environment." "The rules of the dormitory are very simple." "One:" "Although this is a coed college... this is not a coed dormitory." "Any sexual touching is forbidden." "Two: a good student is a clean student... and that must be reflected in their environment." "What is wrong with you?" "I gotta pee so bad my back teeth are floating." "Lucky there's a potty right here." "Hurry." "We don't want any accidents." "Sit on the paper if you are going to sit." "I think she needs more toilet paper." "Help!" "Go, go!" "Hurry!" "I'm going down the gurgler." "Grab her legs." "Just hold on." "I don't want to die." "Oh, sweet Jesus, do not let me die in here." "I'm stuck, and the toilet's eating me." " Can you please hurry up?" " We're gonna get you outta there." "You hang on." "Oh, no!" "It's a 10.2 on the shitter scale!" "It's never gone this high before!" "I have no idea what that means." "Everybody run!" "What the hell is wrong with that man?" "Get down!" "Oh, shit!" "Oh, my god!" "I am closing down this dormitory." "All of you get out!" "It's just like when I used to live next to the methane plant." "Please step back." "We just had a plumbing emergency.... causing the fat girl to go sky high." "Strangely we found a Dolce  Gabbana top... stuffed down the pipes." "Holy shit." "This stuff happens all the time." "There's nothing to see here." "School'll take care of all your bathroom needs." "Why does it smell like hot ass?" "That would be the gas escaping." "So where are we gonna stay 'til it gets fixed?" "School has arranged for housing vouchers." "I can't believe the school is only giving us _200 a month." "You can't even get a cardboard box for that." "What if we pool all our money?" "Don't look at me, guys. I'm still saving up for ass implants." "There's nothing affordable unless you commute from the swamp." "Hey, girls." "What about a sorority?" "Hey, great idea." "A sorority." "That's like flypaper for horny guys." "Yeah." "If we all did it together, it'd be fun." "I don't know, Max." "I don't think I'm really down with the whole sorority thing." "Aren't sororities supposed to be about friendships and bonding?" "We could at least check it out." "It's either that or a commute from the swamp." "There are so many temptations out there... like drugs, alcohol, and boys." "I'd like to introduce you to a different kind of boy." "I think you're really gonna like him." "He's smart, he's funny, and he's really cool." "The coolest." "His name is Jesus, and he just wants to hang with you guys." "Welcome to Kappa!" "Can I ask a question?" "Was he circumcised?" "I mean, he's a Jew, but he's a Christian." "What's the deal with that?" "No, I, uh..." "Very nice to meet you." "They're dykes." "I love curry fish." "I think we've taken up enough of these ladies' valuable time." "Where you going?" "We're gonna play spin the bottle!" "You guys can pledge if you want." "We only have one rule." "If you're gonna kill yourselves, make sure you tell us in advance." "So we can plan the party." "Yeah." "Love what you've done with the place." "Very cozy." "Once you cross the doors at Phi Iota Gamma, you will never again have to worry about what to wear in order to be accepted." "Big hug!" "Oh, my god." "We're so out of here." "No, girls., come back." "Please." "The sisterhood needs you." "# One, two, three four # # l did something last night that you don't know #" "Hey, it's the madman." " Check it, dog." " Yeah, what up?" "Listen." "Huge party at the Gamma's house." "You're going." "Don't say nothing, all right?" "You know I'm gonna sign that check, dog." "Check you later, dude." "# If only I could tell you one, two, three, four #" "Oh, snap!" "Rappers!" "Chicks love rappers, right?" "Yeah, yeah." "In those videos they always got bitches." "Bitches and hoes." "Check this out." "Yo, yo, you're cold." "You're old." "Your mom's got mold." "Her teeth are gold, and brown and..." "That didn't rhyme." "I'm gonna check that out." "I'm gonna fix that, but it's gonna be good." "Yeah." "What's crackin' there, baby?" "We're in South Beach... where it's so hot the girls get undressed naturally." "I was thinking about taking a swim... but now i'll have to drain and disinfect the pool." "What?" "is everyone from MySpace in my pool?" "Oh, my God." "I know for a fact that girl has syphilis." "She's so beautiful." "I'm gonna pull a muscle if I have to keep smiling like this." "I heard her dad is a billionaire." "I heard her dad bought France." "Have you seen her boyfriend?" "He's hot." "Clue, what's up?" "Howsa howsa?" "Who let that loser in here?" "Big-ass titties for ya!" "That's hot." "Aw, man." "This is embarrassing." "If I was a real queen, I'd have that dickless wonder beheaded." "Speaking of dickless." "Why do you have always have to bring Dax here?" "Baby." "Princess." "Dax is my boy." "We go way back, like... car seats." "That is so corny." "Where you going?" "Downstairs." "I have people waiting for me." "Come here for a sec, baby." "I got something I want to show you." "And it rhymes with "my renis."" "And keep my public waiting?" "Unlikely, Derek." "Come on, baby." "We haven't hooked up in like a week." "My balls miss your chin." "You know I can't resist Little Derek." "Little?" "Tiny." "Like a baby's dick." "Who's your baby dick?" " You are." " Yeah." " Tie me up, huh?" " Yeah." " Oh, yeah." "Baby." " Tie it up." "Close your eyes." "Okay." "Oh, baby." " You like that?" " Yeah." "Oh, baby, you're driving me crazy." "Oh, Hell no." "The whipped cream?" "Baby, you're bringing out the freak in me." "You be a good little boy and keep your eyes closed." "I'm gonna keep one eye open, if you know what I'm sayin'." "Huh?" "Just don't open them or I'll stop." "Okay." "God, you're driving me crazy." "Oh, yeah." "Come over here and get some of this baby dick." "Close your eyes." "Aw, I hate giving my dog such a small bone." "Baby." "Oh, god!" "Feels so good." "You're an animal." "Whoo!" "Sandpaper time." "I like that shit." "Ow, that hurts!" "Do it again." "Oh, my God." "Did you hear his accent?" "I know. I love irish accents." "I would totally let him do me in the butt." "Ew!" "Me, too." "Irish accent." "Butt sex." "I need an Irish accent." "World famous DJ Clue, Desert Storm..." "Scott Danimal in the building." "And Gamma Gammas, I would like introduce your princess, the lovely Victoria English." "Thank you." "I have an announcement to make." "Gamma Gamma was selected as a finalist in FHM's hottest sorority contest." "Everybody have a great time at my party." "Rock on to DJ Clue." "Yeah, ya'll, let's get the party started Desert Storm-style, baby!" "Someone's getting their stick licked." "Fuck, that hurt!" "Do that again." "Oh, yeah." "Don't fucking look at me like that." "Sounds like my mom and dad." "Oh, yeah." "Go under the carriage, baby." "God, baby, that feels so fucking good." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, my God." "Fuck, that hurt." "Do that again." "Oh, yeah." "Damn." "It's a fucking dog, dude!" "Oh, baby." "Oh, my god." " Fuck, that hurt!" " That's nasty." "Put your pointer in my purple starfish, baby." "Oh, yeah, that's it." "I think." "Are you ready for the smoothie?" "Come here, gamsie." "Come here." "What's up, derek?" "How's your girl?" "I mean, your bitch." "I heard they've got a fine cocker spaniel at the Kappa house." "And you know what?" "She likes it ruff!" "Say, we're just dogging' with ya." "Yeah, yuk it up all you want, clowns." "'Cause at the end of the day, I still got Victoria, and you got fingered by Father Mulrooney." "Fuck you!" "Bro, you gotta leave your past behind." "That was interesting." "Top o' the mornin' to ya!" "I'm an exchange student from the Emerald Isle." "You're from Ireland?" "Aye!" "That I am--from Ireland." "That's such a coincidence." "She's from Ireland, too." "That's right." "I'm from Galway." "Where you hail from?" "Uh, I'm from, uh, South..." "Middle Earth." "Nice try, Frodo." "Later." "Wait!" "Don't leave yet." "Don't you want to taste my shillaley?" "You're disgusting'." "When I look around this class of talented students, what do I see?" "I see a future of Dolce's, Gabbana's, Chloe's and Prada's." "If I wanted to get an "A" in fashion class, I would have walked in naked." "This slow motion helps, so you can get a good look, you pervs." "So sorry I'm late, Lisa." "The lady doing my pedicure took forever." "Hi, Victoria." "We were just discussing your work." " Nice job as always." " Thank you." "However, I was especially impressed by the freshness of this designer's work." "Are those clothes for Muppets?" "Now who may I say is responsible for these?" "Gloria Torres." "Great job, Gloria." "Thanks." "Note to self: fire design team." "Check out these freshman." "They're so hot." "Cut it out, man." "You're gonna get me in trouble." "What happened to you, man?" "What ever happened to the guy that fucked Denise Reynolds in front of her grandparents?" "I miss that guy." "I'm still here." "Ugh." "Shoot." "Damn." "That's hot." "Damn." " Think she's hot?" " Who?" "That Mexican broad you were staring at." "Actually, I think she's Portuguese." "Shut the fuck up, Dax!" "And you... you stay away from that bitch." "Bye." "Daddy, darling, will you do Queen Victoria the hugest favor?" "I need my fashion design teacher killed." "Oh, really?" "Well then I want that fucking bitch fired." "Thank you, Daddy." "I love you." "# Back home #" "# Back home #" "You know what, girls?" "There is one place that we haven't tried yet." "Wow." "Gamma Gamma." "Damn, It looks like some MTV crib shit." "My cooter's tingling." "I think there might be boys in there." "We need to get a door guy." "Better yet, a human bug zapper." "Oh, my God, that dress is so hot." "Thank you." "That must have cost hundreds of dollars." "Try thousands of hundreds." "So don't go looking for it in any Sears catalog." "That's what I meant." "Thousands... hundreds." "Oh, Morgan." "We'd like to pledge your sorority, please." "If it's not too much trouble, I'd like a room with a bidet." "Could you guys hold on for a second?" "I think she likes us." "Someone left a mess on our front door, and it wants to pledge." "Look at this place." "It's just heaven on earth." "And it's so pink." "We could have one hell of an orgy in here, gals." "What do you think, girls?" "Are they Gamma material?" "I think we should let them pledge." " And you are?" " Kristen." "Kristen Haas." "And why do you think we should let them pledge, Kristen _ss?" "Because, um... because they could be our diversity." "Hot." "She's right." "Gamma's about acceptance and individuality." "Who are we to discriminate?" "Bring them in." "Good idea, Kristen Haas." "Nice hair." "Yeah, thanks." "Shut the door." "Morgan, can you get the girls some champagne, please?" "I'd like to lick her all over." "I heard about your housing situation." "It's so unfortunate." "And that's why we'd like to offer you an early bid." "Normally we don't let pledges move right in... but in your case, I think we're gonna make an exception." "Why don't you girls go check out the house." "Let us know by the end of the night." "I don't know." "You guys really think this place is right for us?" "Are you kidding me?" "This is the most beautiful place I ever seen." "Its beauty puts the Taj Mahal to shame." " All right?" " All right." "Fuck it." "I'm in." "This place is insane!" "Have you ladies come to a decision yet?" "I think we're in!" "Welcome to gamma." "Why don't you guys get changed for dinner?" "With their diversity, we can win the FHM contest." "But they'll never be Gamma Gammas." "That was a great idea, Kristen." "And if the freak show make it through hell week?" "You're in." "Wait!" "I thought I already was in." "Good luck." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait." "So you tried the rapper thing, the jackass thing." " Nothing worked?" " Nothing." "I really liked that Irish thing." "That was good." "I liked it, too. I just don't get it." " Maybe I'm ugly." " No." "A little." "I think she's the one." "What?" "Who's the one?" "Victoria, dick." "Victoria?" "No, man." " She's the hottest girl in school." " She's the craziest girl in school." "Yeah, crazy for me." "Yeah, so crazy for you she got her dog to blow you." "She's sharing." "So crazy for you that she emptied your bank account... and bought a ticket for her ex-boyfriend to visit her." "They're friends." "I steal her panties." "She puts pictures of me on the internet." "It's a relationship." "It's a two way street, dick!" "I gotta go." "Victoria's gonna let me be on top this time." "But there's only one bed." "That's okay, because you ladies will be sleeping in there." "But don't worry, there's plenty of room." "Okay?" "I'll see you at dinner." " Bye." " Bye." "We are so flattered... that you all want to be a part of Gamma Gamma." "I think that Jackie Onassis said it best when she said" "Thanks, Morgan." "I think we know what you mean." "You pledges are our future, and that's why it's important... you live up to the highest of standards." "Because we are the hottest sorority eyer." "So you're asking, if I keep treating pledges like shit... won't they just leave?" "Will fat chicks ever stop squeezing into low rise jeans?" "Will hairy chicks ever stop waxing?" "No." "The more I humiliate them, the more they're gonna love me." "Sick, huh?" "Gross." "Be sure to lick your bowls clean, girls." "And don't use your hands." "By the way, that's not dog food." "It's yesterday's sushi." "Eat up." "Damn, Maxine, move over." "I'm sorry." "I'm just big boned is all." "fyi, the ass is not a bone." "Babs, would you please stop rubbing my butt?" "I though that was my ass." "Oh, yeah, baby." "Oh, that's good." "Suck on my titties." "Someone seriously has to take that thing away from her." "Get up, get up, get up, get up." "Sleep is for gammas, not pledges." "Now, we have a little sexual awareness exercise for you guys." "Good morning." "Gammas must learn all aspects of condom use and proper disposal." "How many of these do we have to find?" "Just 50." "And how many do we have?" "Three." "Why don't we just buy some condoms... and jerk off some homeless guys?" "Like that didn't occur to anyone else." "I think I found one." "Where?" "Ew." "Get it off." "Get it off!" "Wait!" "Poops don't lose that one!" "Wait!" "Stop!" "We need it!" "Get back!" "Excuse me." "Uh, gays?" "You think we could get your condom?" "You know, after?" "We'll bring you two, sweetie." "Two!" "You got it." "You almost gave me a heart attack." "Sorry." "You're Derek, right?" "Victoria's boyfriend." "What the hell are you doing here at 4:" "OO in the morning?" "We got in a fight." "She kicked me out." "Well, that sucks." "Happens all the time." "She kicks me out, I come lay here for a while... and then I go to my room." "Why do you take it?" "I guess I'm addicted and Victoria's the drug." "That is so refreshingly honest... and tear-jerkingly pathetic at the same time." " Pathetic?" " At the same time." "Not that I'm not enjoying this conversation... with you or anything... but there's something about a woman wearing rubber gloves... and carrying tongs at four in the morning... that naturally scares the shit out of a guy." "Victoria has us pledges collecting used condoms." "Oh, right." "That exercise she likes to give." "Any luck?" "No, not really." "It's not like I'm trying all that hard, either." "You know, I may be able to help you out with this." " Excuse me?" " No, not like that." "Just come with me." "Wait a minute." "Where are you going?" "Just trust me." "Come on." " l'm not gonna bite." " All right." "No, I want to be on "The Real World"!" "You're all gonna be there." " Oh, shit!" "John!" " Derek." "What the fuck are you doing here, dude?" "Derek!" "Of course. I'm outta here." "No, wait a second." "John, get the hell out of here." "It's my night." "Hey, I'm sorry." "I live here, too, man." "Uh, my night." "Girls, this is derek." "Introduce yourself." "Hi." "I'm Brenda." "All of you, out!" "And he's not even on "The Real World."" "What?" "You're an asshole!" "Ow!" "Wait." "Wait." "I had a callback." "Wait, girls." "I apologize." "Okay, what am I doing here?" "Oh, right." "Think fast." "Yeah, my roommate John's a bit of a weirdo." " He keeps them after he fucks." " l get the picture." "John, will you get out of here, man?" "Come on." "Open up, Baby Dick." "One minute, Angel Tits!" " Get under the bed." " What!" "?" "Just trust me, okay?" "My old look was bad, so the ka-ka came... but it's not raining ka-ka anymore." " Okay, will you trust me?" " No." "Just get under the bed." "It's raining... sperm." "Why do I have to get under the bed?" "I think it's raining sperm." "Open the door immediately, or i'll tell everyone." "It is raining sperm." "Open the door." "Come on, Baby Dick." " Victoria." " Hi, Baby Dick." "I missed you." "Put this on, now." "Just this." "No. I'm not gonna do it." "I'm not gonna be your little boy toy anymore, okay?" "I'm not gonna be your little sex slave anymore." "I'm sta..." "I'm standing up for myself this time... and I'm not gonna do it." "Oh, really?" "How about now?" "Never mind." "I'm sportin' wood." "Oh, my god!" "Blow my rooster!" "You're such a hot tool." "Screw me, baby." "Pull out your tape MeftSU re n OW." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, my." "Oh, yeah." "Nail me." "Oh, yeah." "Oh, god." "I'm gonna tile your house." "Jackhammer." "Rub it." "Oh, my god." "Feels so good." "Take me to the construction site!" "Nail me, baby." "Nail me." "Raise my roof, baby." "Oh, yeah." "Bad-ass sex every night, sweet pledge torture every day." "It's so good to be me." "Hello, Sister Victoria, Sister Morgan, Sister Trista." "How do the pledges greet their Gamma sisters?" "Gamma girls are so sweet." "May we please kiss your feet?" "Okay." " Ooh, I kinda like that." " You may rise." "So, how did your first mission go?" "Trista, count them." "I count six." "Let's hope you do better on the next one." "We're rooting for you." "You girls make me sick." "Yeah, you're sick." "Wait for me." "Hey, boys, you know you want it!" "I'm the horn of plenty!" "Nice legs!" "How'd you like me to fill your diaper?" "Hey, boys." "Mommy needs a diaper change." "Part of becoming a gamma is learning sophistication." "Like mother here." "And part of being sophisticated is knowing... how to properly entertain nice, young gentlemen." "Oh, my God." "Make with the rub-a-dub." "We were promised a sensual foot experience." "I will burn in hell first." "I really want to be nice, but the smell is just... unbearable." "You like that, baby?" "You like that?" "Mommy's gonna make you a man." "Whoo!" "Okay." "Who's next?" "Oh, yeah!" "If you see, see, see, see seamen." "Won't you free, free, free, free them?" "I'm such a humanitarian... so I decided to mark her friends up, Victoria-style." "You don't have to do this, Max." "I'm all right." "Wow." "What do we have here?" "Mother?" "These girls were such a mess... it was easier to mark the places that were okay." " No!" " You can do it." "Give me that!" "Who the hell do you think you are?" "Excuse me?" "You can't treat us like this." "We're just trying to help you." "It's bullshit." "You and your fembots just want to make fun of us." "Well, mission accomplished." "You know what?" "I quit." "Sayonara, puta." "Three days before initiation, and what does she do?" "Quits." "Know why?" "Because she doesn't have the dedication to be a Gamma." "Anyone else want to drop out?" "Yes." "If one goes, we all go." "Yeah." "They walked out on me." "I'll get those bitches." "Victoria..." "I'm still in, right?" "Kristen, you're my favorite, and I love you, but she bailed." "Sorry, maybe next year." "What if I can get her back?" "If you can get her back... then I'd say welcome back to Gamma Gamma." "Okay." "Those nerds should have known not to go to a real estate agent... that also sold churros." "Allow me to introduce myself." "My name is Buford Gomez." "I'm a former border patrol agent." "I used to put the panic to Hispanic." "I put the pepper spray to José." "I put the baton to Juan." "That's all behind me." "I'm helping people now." "Look at you, look, you soul sister." "Them braids real?" "That's amazing." "Okay, you must be the Appalachian." "Like a like a whack mohawk thing going on there." "You're like a little redneck peacock." "What the hell happened there, girl?" "I don't know if I'm comin' or goin'." "How you doin'?" "You don't eat pork, do you?" "I'd like to pork you." "Porky Pig." "Whoa, a big girl!" "You done beat anorexia!" "I'm so glad you're a strong, healthy girl." "And look at... okay." "You ever been with a man?" "You ever been the man?" "Never mind." "Buford, can you show us something we could live in?" "Okay, you need a place to stay." "Got it:" "Super Pollo Loco." "is it a boat?" "Is it a restaurant?" "Who cares!" "?" "It's a hybrid with a history dating back to pre-revolutionary Cuba." "Smell the black beans and rice." "Taste the tostitos." "Babalo, babalo, babalo." "They don't make structures like this anymore." "I'm not sure they ever did." "Two converted sleeping bedrooms, a dining room... and a working deep fryer." "Hey, great!" "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." "I'm not in the mood, Kristen." "Victoria feels really bad about what happened." "Please." "She thinks you'd be a really great Gamma." "She told me that." "You're the only reason... she let the other girls pledge in the first place." "It's too late anyway." "You could come back." "Just think about it." "I'm feeling this shit." "I mean, metrosexuals are where it's at." ""Queer Eye" is the shit." "You got the queer part down good." "Big time." "You know what?" "Screw you guys, okay?" "See who's laughing when I'm getting laid in five minutes." "By a dude." "I think the shirt works." "There's no way it's gonna work." "Excuse me, could I get an apple martini?" "Thanks." "I'm Jessica." "Hey, Jessica." "I'm Dax." "Nice and fruity." "So have you got a boyfriend?" " No!" "No!" " l'm sorry, I thought you" "No, see, I'm not, um..." "Um, I mean, I'm not speaking to him right now." "I caught him with another guy." " Really?" " Yeah." "Man, that sucks." "Guys can be such assholes." "You're preaching to the choir, sister." "The gay man's choir, which I'm a member of." "Can I ask you a personal question?" "Ten inches, and that's after a cold shower." "Have you ever been with a woman?" "Oh, I..." "Have you ever kissed a girl?" "Here." "I want you take this." "It enhances sexual experience." "You take it orally." "That's right. I do." "How does that feel?" "It's okay." "It doesn't feel wrong?" "Yeah, it does, but it's the right kind of wrong." "It's okay." "I'll show you what to do." "Oh, wow." "You're really hard." "Oh, my God!" "I've been living a lie!" "I'm a straight man trapped in a gay, homosexual's fabulous body!" "Set me free, child!" "Set me free!" "Hallelujah!" "Victoria's dog is missing!" "Victoria's dog is missing!" "Get the cock out of your mouth!" "Gamsie?" "Before it starts running, right now!" "Wait a second." "No, no." "You can't go." "You gotta help me figure out who I am!" "I still don't know if I'm gay or not." "I'm sorry." "Maybe another time." "No, don't go." "Please, don't go!" "Please, don't go!" "Come back!" "!" "!" "I want you to take this." "It enhances sexual experience." "Hi." "Your bodies are so beautiful." "Can I touch them?" "Well, well, well." "If it isn't Mr. Brad Pitt ready to invade Troy." "And by "Troy," l mean my vagina." "That's right, baby." "Mamma's got some brand new bags." "Why don't you grab a handful?" "What the fuck?" "Morning, lover." "Hungry?" "Do you want a muffin?" "Do you want butter or cream cheese?" "Where are my clothes?" "Where's my underwear?" "I ate them." "No!" "Call me." " Hey, Gloria." " Hey, baby." "Have you seen my mom?" "I think she's back at the chicken boat." " Thanks, Gloria." " It's all right." " Hey, Gloria." " Mm-hm?" "What's a rim job?" "Um, that's when you have your tire changed in your car." " Thanks, Gloria." " It's all right." " l got worried." " Me, too." " A boy in my class said it was a" " Oh, never mind!" "He's a bad boy, and he's wrong." "Why don't you go look for your mommy?" " Okay." " Okay?" "Bye." "Hey, there you are." "Been looking all over for you." "I'm sorry about the other night." "I do appreciate you trying to help me out." "You have a huge problem, derek." "You should seriously consider seeing a shrink or something." "Do some serious couch time." "I did warn you." "True." "You know what?" "It doesn't even matter." "I don't care anymore." "Gamma Gamma can kiss my butta butta." "No, no, no, no." "You can't quit, 'cause if you leave now, then she wins." "Wait a minute." "Why are you taking our side against her?" "To hell with Victoria." "What about your addiction?" "I'm cured." "I found somebody that I care about so much more." "We're gonna kiss, aren't we?" "God, I hope so." " Oh, my little" " Promise me something?" " Anything." " No more pet names." "Think of it as step one of your recovery." "# Because it's gonna be beautiful #" "The Kama Sutra was originally written in Sanskrit... by an indian man called Vatsyayana... whose name literally means "split the bamboo."" "Imagine, if you will... a young man and a young woman like yourself... in the full thrush of a passionate intensely sexual embrace... all being watched by Garuda, the bird of Vishnu." " As those juices..." " Hey, kristen." "Nice legs." "What time do they open?" "Disgusting." "Dude!" "Great line!" "Que pasa, mommy?" "Trista, Morgan is a total freak." "She wants to remove her rib." "Ow, that must really hurt." "How do you know?" "Because I'm IM'ing her right now." "Wow, that's so great." "How do you even know that?" "Duh." "NetZero, loser." "Miss English, I'm sorry, are we bothering you?" "Oh, not at all Professor Milch'ik." "Just keep it soft and quiet." "Thanks." "Where was i?" "Yes." "Fruition." "That woman is bringing that man to fruition through a series of very mysterious and intensely complex moves called" "Mysterious?" "Complex?" "Men are dogs." "Observe." "Lights, please." "Look who's teaching now." "You like that, don't you?" "Bet you wish I was yours." "Hot, aren't i?" "What do we have here?" "A little bit of this." "Yeah." "And a little bit of that." "I'm making you so hot right now." "Yeah." "I bet you really wish that I was your girlfriend." "Too bad." "Mystery solved." "Now let's see what you guys have learned." "Okay, girls." "Here's to life on a crappy-assed boat." "I think I'm having the bed spins, and not the good kind." "It's the boat." "Our investment is being tossed around like a mud hut... i n m o n s o o n seas o n ." "You'll get used to it." "I think I need to bow to the porcelain goddess." "Sounds like she's getting used to it." "She acts like she's never been on a roller coaster... with a bean burrito in her belly." "Oh, crap." "I think I'm gonna lose my lunch." "Or taken a sip from someone else's seven-up... that they backwashed into." "Stop it, Gloria." "You're gonna make me hurl." "Ooh, you know what's really gross?" "When you take the Iast sips of milk... and then found out there was chunks in it." "The FHM judges were coming the next day... and without those geeky girls... I wouldn't have my diversity." "I had to get them back to Gamma." "So, of course, I make Kristen do it." "You ready, Kristen?" "I don't know, Victoria." "This is pretty fucked up." "I invite these girls into my house... and they have zero appreciation for anything I've done." "And, Kristen, need I remind you... that this entire thing was your idea?" "You know, normally, I would ask Morgan to come." "But there's something special about you..." "Kristen Haas." "Something special enough to be Gamma president." "What?" "I think you have what it takes." "Or at least I thought I did." "Now, I'm beginning to second guess your loyalty." "No, no, no." "I'm-l'm loyal." "Then act like a future Gamma pres... and go and protect your sisters." "Go!" "Oh, Gamsie." "They'll do whatever we tell them to." "Well, looks like chicken boat's going for a swim." "Oh!" "Oh, no!" "Please don't send me back to Gamma, Krishna." "Oh, no." "Welcome." "Those evil Gamma bitches will eat me alive." "Oh, please no." "Oh!" "It's the evilest bitch of all, Victoria!" "Please, krishna, no!" "No!" "My physics test!" "Motherfucker, shit!" "Shit, motherfucker, shit!" "Ow!" "Fucking cock, man." "I lost my platapussy." "Somebody get me a chair." "I got a signal." "Fuck!" "It's gone." "What in god's name is that?" "Sure ain't no bird." "I think we're being watched." "Who's watching?" "Who-wee!" "You ladies need a tug, do ya?" "We'll tug ya." "I'd love a tug." "Uh-huh." "It's gonna cost you though." "A little money up front." "Plus, Randy here gets to look through all your clothes." "Dirty honky." "What did you say, you little bitch?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "You motherfucker!" "Oh, my god." "I swear to god." "All right, let's get this boat roped up." "Come on, ladies." "Give me some help!" "Let's tow this motherfucker out of here." "The boat is leaking." "We've got nowhere to stay." "It looks like we may have to ask Victoria... to take us back." "Oh, and you can imagine how excited I am... to have that conversation." "What conversation might that be, Bitch?" "I, um, I just wanted to know if I can have another chance to come back." "You think you can just waltz back in here?" "Yeah." "Can you waltz?" "So, what do you think, Kristen?" "Has she learned her lesson?" "I think so." "Welcome back to Gamma." "Yeah!" "Are her nipples hard?" "Wait those are mine." "Gamma Gamma was selected as a finalist in FHM's... hottest sorority contest." "Then, guess what?" "We won." "Thank you, thank you." "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Gamma!" "Thank you, thank you." "Before I was elected president," "Gamma Gamma threw average parties... and made below average impressions." "Not hot." "But since the dawn of what i'd like to call... the Victorian era, we have achieved total hotness." "And we're going to be on the cover of FHM." "It's important that future Gammas are the most poised... sophisticated, and beautiful girls on campus... fts you Cftn See." "And these are the kind of freaks that will never get in!" "Yeah!" "I can't believe they actually thought... they were going to get in." "Let's hear it for the Gamma girls, guys." "How hot is this?" "Girls, paint them up." "Why won't you run?" "This ain't right." "Take this!" "I can't believe I let her play me like that." "Why don't we pick up this stuff... and set the dang house on fire?" "And after that, we'll set the whole campus on fire!" "At least we'll have somewhere to stay." "I hear the beds are very comfortable in jail." "And we get used to the rough sex." "Babs, not now." "Our possessions have been strewn in the dirt... like our hopes and our dreams!" "Oh, Krishna." "Why have you deserted us?" "Why?" "Gloria, I am so sorry." "Forget it, Derek." "I don't even wanna hear it." "Well, you don't actually think I had something... to do with that, do you?" "It was all a big ploy... to make us look like fools in front of everyone." "You disgust me." "I swear to you I had nothing to do with that." "How do I make you understand this?" "I have no loyalty to her anymore." "Okay." "Prove it." "What's the most important thing to her... in her shallow life?" "Besides making us look like fools?" "I don't know." "I really don't know." "FHM magazine." "Getting on the cover has been an obsession of hers... since i've known her." "For the last three years all she wants to do.." "is win this stupid contest, and I know how... to make that dream turn into a nightmare." "This party is gonna be the biggest night of her life." "You wanna get back at her?" "The keys to Gamma Gamma." "Let's do it, Gloria." "Give me that." "Yes!" "Just like everyone, Kristen let me down." "But if being mean to people turned her off... then why the hell did she become a Gamma?" "You are not welcome here, stabber of backs." "I have a good mind to put you over my knee... and give you the spanking of your life, young lady." "Oh, i've been bad, too." "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry." "I don't know what I was thinking... and I don't blame you for hating me... but I know what I did was wrong... and I want to make it up to you." "Pledging a sorority isn't worth hurting other people... especially people who used to be your friends." "I forgive you, my child." "Excuse me." "I know, I wouldn't trust me either." "But I've changed." "I want to help you guys get back at the Gammas." "Let's get 'em." "Hello, my beautiful, beautiful bitches." "Welcome to the FHM beauty shoot... because we're going to make you on the cover... of the world's best men's magazine." "You are going to absolutely look gorgeous." "Give me sex." "Give me love." "Give it to me." "This is what I want you bitches to do." "Victoria, you stand in the middle... you lovely, lovely goddess of light." "The rest of you bitches, go around in a circle." "In a circle!" "Okay." "Yes." "Now, dance around like a horse." "You want to be in the picture show... you have to do it like you're on a horse." "All of you are creatures, except for Victoria." "You stay in the middle." "All of you creatures." "Victoria, I swear to Versace... if you weren't here, I'd be like a banana.." "I'd do a split." "Get out of here." "Please, Just stay in the middle." "I need to take some pictures of you." "He loves me." "He loves me." "I'll make him give me that cover." "Those bitches, they snuck into Gamma during our group liposuction night." "These are the smallest cameras known to man." "The lenses are the size of a-of a-a pinhead." "Virtually undetectable." "You can hide these bad boys anywhere." "Picture frames, sunglasses..." "You can even hide them in a pet's fur." "Hey, will you be able to find anything on Victoria?" "Yes." "You guys aren't gonna believe what I just found." "We got something." "Look what I found... bonner central." "We're coming to you live from the world famous..." "South Beach Miami, for what promises to be... the hottest party of the year, the unveiling of the new..." "FHM sorority of the year magazine cover." "Gamma Gamma sorority won the contest... and we can't wait to see what they're wearing... or not wearing." "Tonight." "Come on in girls, these guys are gonna help you on out." "They're my little temp service here." "This is José, he testified in trial... for me with the border patrol back in the day... you know what I'm saying?" "That guy with the turban did it." "Now these guys wanna get back at them Gamma bitches." "The Gammas turned em on in to the INS... so they wanna get back at the girls too." "Thank you." "Anything you need they're gonna help you." "I get hepatitis." "No Poops." "Damn!" "I mean this is like a buffet." "Oh my god, that's Carmen Electra." "She's my fantasy girlfriend." "She's coming here." "Hey." "Um...nice legs." "Thanks." "What time do they open?" "I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere... and, uh...talk." "Oh, Dax!" "Oh God." "Hey!" "Step away from my man!" "I don't know her." "Kids this is Dax, he's your new daddy." "What?" "No, I don't have kids!" "Pony ride!" "No-no, don't leave!" "Wait, Carmen!" "By any chance are you jewish?" "No, I'm methodist." "That'll do." "What's up, hottie?" "Word." "You ever been in the back of a pickup truck?" "What's a pickup truck?" "You're about to find out." "You're not gonna be needing this shit." "Hi." "Hi." "Would you like a drink?" "Su-sure." "Champagne's really good for the complexion." "Just kiss her allready you big puss!" "Wooo!" "Oh, God, somebody kill me!" "I'm a pony!" "I'm a pony!" "And now the moment you've been waiting for..." "FHM presents the girls of Gamma Gamma." "And now, here's your host for the evening..." "Sofia Vergara!" "We have searched far and wide to find a sorority... that will represent everything... that you have come to love about FHM... sex apeal, power, style and respect." "Let me present to you FHM's hottest sorority..." "Gamma Gamma!" "Congratulations!" "Thank you." "Thank you." "People told me, "Victoria no question about it..." ""you're the hottest sorority leader..." ""at South Beach University."" "But the entire country, I just knew I could do it." "And this is only the beginning of Victoria English." "This is supposed to be about Gamma, not just her." "Sofia, you are so hot." "We should totally like do a show together." "Oh my god, thank you, of course." "Wouldn't that be so hot guys?" "Do her!" "Hi, I have a really big favor to ask you... I seem to have dropped my earring backing over here." "I was wondering if you could help me find it." "All right Gammas, do you wanna see your cover?" "We're not even on it." "Victoria looks really beautiful." "God I look hot." "Backstabbing little bitch!" "And now lets take a look behind the scenes... at the hottest sorority in America." "Hey everybody, I'm Victoria English... president of Gamma Gamma and I wanna show you around." "This is the master bedroom." "And this is Gamsie, my dog." "# Twinkle-twinkle little... #" "They showed me on the potty." "What are you doing you ugly ass?" "You poor thing, there you go you're better." "You are looking so thin." "Thank you." "Probably had another abortion." "Uh-oh." "You fucking bitches." "Stop the video!" "I did not approve of this!" "Oh my God!" "That's my school picture!" "Oh, my God." "Where did you find that?" "Stop the video, I did not approve of this." "Very, very interesting but..." "This isn't the right tape." "I was obviously joking." "Everybody knows what a great sense of humor I have." "You can't walk out on me!" "Where are you all going?" "None of this is true!" "Don't you know who I am?" "I'm Victoria English!" "Those bitches just set this up because their jealous!" "Oh Shit." "Hey, any of you broads... wanna eat sushi off my naked body?" "I am the one." "Oh, yes." "I am the one." "Aren't you one of those Gamma Gamma girls?" "Oh, darlin', I'm not just one of the Gamma Gamma girls... I'm victoria english." "Right, and I'm Paris Hilton." "Where have you been baby dick?" "Victoria, it's all over." "I deserve better." "Better than me?" "There's no one better than me." "And there's no way I'm gonna let... some dumbass pledge ruin my relationship... with this worthless piece of shit." "Victoria..." "Pledge this." "Pledge this." "Derek disapointed me." "He was too clueless to know what he had." "As far as I'm concerned, she can have that tiny bastard." "That was great, baby, fantastic." "Ari Belinsky producer E channel Los Angeles." "So, where you really an ugly kid, or what?" "It's all lies!" "Oh, it's too bad." "I was hoping we could do a reality show, back to basic's kind of thing... but if it isn't true..." "A show about me?" "It's all true!" "It's all true!" "A true Gamma Gamma never quits... so I gave them the ending they wanted." "Well, I guess now you all know the real me." "Pretty huh?" "Sometimes it's hard for me to remember... what it was like all those years... of being ridiculed and laughed at." "I struggled to erase that girl you saw up there... and become the one that you see down here." "Respected, admired, hot." "But I guess somewhere along the way... I became like one of those people that caused me... so much pain and that is totally not hot." "It's not about how you look or building your body... or straighting your nose or getting bigger boobs." "It's about your attitude and that's what's hot... and I should know because I invented it." "Morgan?" "You're a bitch!" "You tell me now about this hot attitude bullshit!" "I spent my life savings fixing my nose... and my entire body to look like you!" "Now you tell me to be me and not you." "You're a disgrace." "I hate you!" "Hey, lady, get a life." "So, I made a nice speech about having a good attitude... and inner beauty." "But I can't figure out... if I was mad at those girls for showing me up... or proud that they actually managed... to totally minipulate me." "What the heck?" "The next year Gloria became the president of Gamma Gamma." "And me, I loved my cover so much... I bought FHM magazine."