"Hey, kids." "Hey, Karen, wow!" "I love the blonde." "It's very Mary J. Blige meets Barbara Eden meets My Little Pony." "Rosie's pretending to be sick so she's slacking off." "She wouldn't even shampoo my hair in the shower this morning." "Luckily, my cook's teenage daughter was willing to sell me her hair." "Oh, Will's boyfriend." "You're a cop." "I need you to get rid of these tickets for me." "These are tickets to Harvey Fierstein in Fiddler On the Roof." "Yeah, well you can see why I'd wanna get rid of them." "Hop to it!" "Karen, Vincent has been fired for trying on gloves in a hostage situation." "But Will doesn't know." "He also doesn't know I've been using his ATM card for the past two years." "Vince, you're gonna have to tell him, you know." "He'll understand." "Will loves accessories." "For God's sake, he names his scarves." "I know." "Remember that time he almost cried because he dropped coffee on Burberry Pete." "No, I'm gonna tell him." "All right?" "I'm just waiting for the perfect time." " Unbelievable news." "I'm up for partner!" " Whoo!" "Yeah!" "And you, mister, are taking me out to celebrate." "I'm talking about the most expensive restaurant in the city." "I can't." "I got fired." "What?" "!" "You" " What do you mean you got fired?" "What happened?" "It was like two weeks ago." "We followed this perp into Saks, when I noticed these cashmere gloves." "So, I just tried them on for a second." "And just when I was seeing how it looked with a navy cardigan, the cashier got shot." "And they fired you for that?" "!" "Just to play devil's advocate, wouldn't those gloves have been just as cute after you disarmed the gunman?" "Wow, so you hate gays, too." "Oh, Jackie." "We only hate gays that's what's in right now." "Hating gays, hating evolution." "It's the new age of enlightenment." " I've been trying to get a new job, it's just that" " Hey, hey, hey, don't worry." "You'll land on your feet." "Unlike the cashier." " So who's gonna take me out to dinner?" " I will." "I'll use my ATM card." "Is this a mushroom or a cockroach?" "What do you care?" "It's deep fried." "Listen, I know Vince has been around a lot lately, but please, if he starts to get on your nerves, say something." " No, he's fine." " Seriously, you won't hurt my feelings." "I mean, he hasn't left the apartment in a month." "And that couch is practically growing out his ass." "No, I understand." "He got fired." "He's going through a hard time." "Well, it must bug you... that-that he's gained weight, stopped showering, steals jokes from commercials an-an-- and pretends that they're his own." "I mean, that's gotta be a huge turnoff for you." "I'm sorry, but I like his little pooch." "And I always laugh when he farts and says, "Can you hear me now?"" "Ooh, ooh!" "The new senior partner's coming." "Wipe that rice off your neck." "Oh, it just crawled off" " Where did we order from?" "How's my favorite gay lawyer at the firm?" "Not that there's a quota or anything, but three is plenty." "Oh, um, Margot, this is my friend, Grace." "I don't think you've met before." "Please, Will, don't introduce me to everybody as your boss." "Well, actually, I didn't." " Grace, this is Margot." " Please... call me Margot." "Oh, good... 'cause that was kind of my only option." "I'm having a dinner party Friday for the three candidates for partner." "Oh, great!" " Please do not infer it's going to be any kind of competition." " Oh, no, no, of course not." "But by the end of the evening, I will have chosen one of you for partner." "Wow, a party's not a party unless someone goes home devastated." "Oh, I agree." "Why don't you come, Grace?" "Maybe you could be that someone." "No, just kidding." "There's a great guy I'd like to set you up with." "Oh, how rude of me." "I don't know why, I just assumed you were bitterly divorced." "No, I am." "I'd love to come." " Great." "And Will, bring your boyfriend." "I'm dying to meet him." " Oh, I'm dying to have you meet him." "There is no way I'm bringing that sack!" "He'll make me look bad." "He'll screw up my chances!" "Stop complaining and start supporting him." "That fat, lazy, farting sack is your boyfriend." "Well, I gotta hand it to Rosario." "It's been over a month, and she's still pretending to be sick." "She's even managed to get her temperature up to 104 and make her glands swell up so much, they feel like knees." "Uh, Karen, have you ever thought she might actually be sick?" "Honey, what would give you an idea like that?" "I mean, look at her." "I'm sick." "Can you believe this one?" "Hey, Meryl Streep!" "Why don't you start preparing for your next role as the woman who throws away my gum?" "Eh, start flossing, lady." "There's a tooth in here." "You know, Karen, Rosie's color is kinda off." "Although..." "What color is she supposed to be?" "I ordered her in hunter green, but she's faded." "Ooh!" "Listen, honey, I gotta get going." "I gotta go to my Christian Book Club meeting." "Today we're burning Catcher in the Rye." "Karen, I really think we should take her to the hospital." "Yeah, okay." "Tell her to meet me at the library with some lighter fluid and a fast car." "Rosie, I think I'm gonna take you over to-- Oh, my God, Rosie!" "OH MY GOD !" " Rosie!" " What?" "Oh." "The way you were drinking your tea, it seemed like you were dead." "So when's Vince getting here?" "Oh, any minute." "He's coming straight from his new job, which he is over the moon about." "Assistant Head of Security at Harry Winston Jewelers." "He loves it even more than being a cop." "I'm telling you, that man would take a bullet for chandelier earrings." "And that is the staff bathroom." "Otherwise known as the one you'll all be using." "Will, Grace, welcome." "Will, that is not a present." " I told you no presents." " Oh, no, actually it's my scarf." "Ah!" "I love it." "Thank you." "Yeah, we all brought gifts." "And, apparently, I brought my wife's watch." "It was my grandmother's." "Grace, this is Leonard." "The man I've told you so much about." "Oh, this is" " Hello, nice to meet you...sir." "Does anyone feel the heat in here?" "Let's get out of here before clothes start flying off." "I know I'm a little older than you expected." "But if it makes you feel any better, I've looked the same way since 1948." "I love the way you've decorated." "It's, uh, very elegant." "But then, you're an elegant woman." "Look, Gary, Roz, get off my leg." "There's no reason to suck up." "You don't need to be worried that whoever doesn't make partner tonight is fired from the firm." "Because that is not for sure." "So... how do you fit into this group?" "Oh, well, my friend Will works at the firm." "Do you know Margot well?" "You could say that." "I'm her husband." "Old and married." "Wow, I feel like Cinderella." "I must say this tapestry of tension I've created is making me weak in the knees." "And it's working its way up." "Ooh, uh, I'll get it." "I'm sure it's Vince." "Ah, two gay men in my apartment." "It's like the '70s again." " Thank God, you're here!" "If you were any later, you'd have really embarrassed me." " I got fired!" "What?" "What happened?" " They had these diamond covered gloves and I was trying them on..." " What the hell is with you and gloves?" "!" "Oh, Will." "You're not gonna believe this, but I'm gonna love telling you." "Seems Nicole and Margot went to the same all-girls' school." "Gave me a solid academic background and half a dozen character-building, lesbian experiences." "Well, Vince and I aren't lesbians, but we, uh, don't have much sex anymore, so that's close." "Is that--isn't that right, Vince?" "Huh, Vince?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just, uh" " I was just, uh..." "I was just thinking that I'm lost and I'll probably never work again." " You must think I'm pretty pathetic." " Eh." "I love Margot." "I'll never move on." "Maybe you will." "Maybe you won't." "Do you know what's for dinner?" "I don't care." "I'd sleep on the guest bed that the cats pee on just to be near her." "Yeah." "Is there any chance we've been talking for three hours?" "It sounds like you're a bit mad at me." "No, I'm not mad." "It's just that, you know, you're a little frustrating." "You wanna take it out on me?" " Huh?" " Spank me." "I am so glad we could do this tonight." "Because I think of the firm as a family." "And there is nothing more important than family." " Well, speaking of family" " Shh" "What?" "It's great news." "We're having a baby." "No, we're not." "Nothing's definite." "I might not keep it." "A baby!" "Congratulations." "That is wonderful news." "Do you wanna adopt?" "I need an answer right now." "You're going to a terrific mother, Roz." "And now, let's all sit down to dinner." "Oh, not you, Roz." "You can go home." " What?" " Well, you're not going to be partner." "And this has nothing to do with those silly studies that say a mother is less productive in the workplace." "But there are of those studies, and they all say the same thing." "Honey, where the hell have you been?" "You know that when I drop by unexpectedly, I like for you to be here so that you can say something stupid and I can say something about recreational drugs!" "Didn't you get any of my messages?" "Rosie is in surgery!" "If they can get her boobs above her waist, they deserve a Nobel prize." "Karen, this isn't a joke!" "She could die!" "She has tonsillitis!" "You hear me?" "Tonsillitis!" "Her tonsil is fused to her itis." "Okay, I see what she's doing." "She's faking so that she can get her tonsils taken out and sell them to Japanese people as an aphrodisiac!" "Well, I've just raced home to get a nurse's best friend-- her Patch Adams nose." "Thank God, I keep a bowl of them by the door." " Now, Karen, you should come with me." " And why would I do that?" "To show her that you care for her and that you love her." "You take that back!" "Oh, I know what this is." "People avoid sick loved ones so they don't have to face the idea of losing them." "Saw it all the time in the hospital." "That's why when I was a nurse, whenever somebody died, I hid them under the bed." " Now, are you coming?" " No!" "And you can tell that package of assorted chicken parts she better get her thighs and her giblets back to work or she can find another coop to sleep in." "Chicken!" "It is a shame I am the taking this seriously." "Not that I'm not enjoying my fantasy date..." "but don't you think we should join everyone for dinner?" "Oh, she doesn't let me eat with her." "And since you're my date, you don't get to eat either." "Probably makes you mad." " It does make me mad." " Mad enough to spank me?" " No, Leonard, I'm not gonna spank you." "But you want to." " Because I remind you of every weak man who's ever let you down." " That's true." " And you'd like to hit these men, wouldn't you?" " No-o!" "Although there are a lot of them, and they would deserve it." " So just try it." " No!" " Heh, you're divorced, aren't you?" " Thank you." "What was it, another woman?" "Leonard..." "I'm gonna need you to stand like this." "And brace yourself." " So I don't ride anymore, but we still a horse stable in Millbrook." " Hmm." "Vince, you--you were on mounted duty for awhile, right?" "Yeah." "I had a horse named Snowflake." "Real smart." "During the Republican Convention, he ran right past the protestors and took a crap in front of Zell Miller." "Ha ha." "That is officially my favorite story of the evening." "Excuse me." "Looks like someone made a new friend." "Snowflake was like a brother to me." "I wonder what he's doing now." "Well, whatever it is, I'm sure he's-- he's the glue that the precinct together." "God, I miss that horse!" "Will you excuse me?" "Well..." "I'll be right back, I" " Remember before, when the horse took a crap in front of Zell Mi" " I'll be right back." "Get it together!" "Forget about Snowflake." "Snowflake is dead." "Snowflake is dead?" "!" "Oh!" "No!" "The subject is dead." "Talk about something else, something happy." "Will, sit down right now, or my finger is going into your wine." " But, Margot, what--wh a supposed to--to do?" " And my finger is in your wine." "Your move." "You know what?" "My move is something I should have done a long time ago." "I'm going home and taking care of my boyfriend." " Uh, it's okay." "It's okay." " No, you're not." "Come on, Vince, we're going." "Congratulations, Gary." " You're partner." " Yes!" "Ha ha ha!" "Hang on, buddy." "I'm the only one around here who can make someone partner." "And I'm hardly going to do it during this awkward moment." "Will, you're partner." " This isn't fair!" " Oh, grow up, Gary." "Will's getting promoted because his performance reviews were better." "This has nothing to do with your uninteresting wife." "Excuse me." "Will, can we go home?" " In a minute." "I just" " I think I just made" " I said now!" "Oh, my God." "I can't stop." "Now, remember, Rosie, the doctor says your throat is gonna be very tender and talking may cause excruciating pain." "So only speak when absolutely necessary." " Thank you, Jack." " I'm sorry, dear, what?" " I said, thank you." " Now, darlin', how can I help ya if I can't hear ya?" "Okay..." "Thank you, Jack." "Oh, "Thank you, Jack." Oh, Rosie, that's fine." "Yeah, you're welcome." "But, really, you should save your voice." "Yeah, you should have just said, "Thank you." You didn't need to add "Jack."" "Try it again." "All right, all right." "You can quit your fakin', Rosie, you've made your point." "You're gonna get an extra 25 cents an hour." "And a new pack of sponges." "Okay?" "So, take a bow." "Get back to work." " What?" "Rosie doesn't want you here, so why don't you just go" " She can stay." "Once again, sweetheart, it is so hard to hear you!" "She can stay." "Chicken steak?" "All right, I'll get you some." "But I'm tellin' you, it's gonna go down like broken glass." "All right, Rosie." "I need you to get out of that bed and start walking." "You know what that is, don't ya?" "Put one knuckle right in front of the other." "Come on!" "I'm not foolin' around, you lazy refried" "Oh, my" " Oh, no, Rosie!" "Rosie, don't die!" "No!" "I'm sorry." "I knew you weren't faking the whole time." "I just couldn't admit that you were really sick because then I would have to think about losing you, and I'm not ready for that." "I'm not ready, I tell ya!" "Oh, come on, Rosie, I always thought I'd be the first one to go." "Don't worry, you will." "Little thingy came off my finger." "How you doin'?" " Better." "Thanks for saying all that nice stuff." " Eh, I should have said it a long time ago." " This isn't working." " What do you mean?" "Come on, Will, I'm driving you nuts." " No." " Be honest." " Maybe a little." "You know, I love having a guy who stands up for me." "I just hate being the guy who has to have somebody stand up for him." " Vince..." " I just need a little time to figure some stuff out." "Okay... um... what do we do?" "I don't know." "Maybe we take a-- take a break?" " I don't wanna break up." " Not break up, no, just take a-- take a break." "I mean, everybody says that, but we--we really... mean it." "Okay." "Good." "Okay." "So, uh..." "I'll see ya." "Yes, you will." " Where's Vince?" " I think we just broke up." "You know, you gave me quite a scare just then, little miss." "I'm sorry, mommy." "Rosie, they were out of chicken steak, so I got you jalapeño nachos and peanut brittle." "Oh, Karen." "You do love her." "I do, Jackie."