"[ROCK music playing OVER SPEAKERS]" "BRAD:" "Yes!" "I cannot wait for Valentine's Day to be over." "Things with that guy Reed are not great, at best." "I can't break up with him until I'm out of the window." "The window?" "The breakup window." "The period of time around major events and holidays you can't dump someone." "I made that mistake once." "Dumped a girl too close to her grandpa dying. lt's like:" "[imitating HEART monitor beeping]" ""l'm out!"" "I ran." "So now I have to wait a whole week." "You're still gonna bleed him for the fancy dinner and the present." "Yeah, for his sake. I mean, the guy is just, like, really annoying." "He's a winker." "You have got the softest skin." "Wait." "Wait. I do have the softest skin, or I don't have the softest skin?" "The wink is making it unclear." "DAVE:" "It is very soft." "It's like butter, and I know because I'm comparing them right now." "Weird. I had this exact same dream last night, only it wasn't butter." "Well, I've got to get to getting." "Planning some Valentine's Day surprises for my Jane." "Are you kidding?" "You can't surprise that woman." "Birthday." "GROUP:" "Surprise!" "[SCREAMS]" "[ALL screaming]" "Did you think we were trying to attack you with a birthday cake?" "Hell of a party." "Hell of a party." "Look, guys." "I know my own damn wife." "I got it covered." "Before you go, I wanna confirm everyone'll be using my limousine services for Valentine's night." "It's a big cash grab for daddy." "Can I pencil you in for an 8:00 pickup?" "Not gonna be needing daddy." "I'll be staying in." "Consider yourself penciled." "Nope." "I will be preparing a five-course meal for Lindsay." "MAX:" "Ooh." "The crazy sex girl?" "You know it." "And if the sex is crazy on a regular day, imagine what the V.D. sex is gonna be like." "V.D. sex!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "Boom!" "I get it." "You're not bumping because I said V.D." "No, because we're not Howie Mandel." "High five!" "No." "Handshake!" "Don't like it." "How about a high school jock-nod?" "PENNY:" "Okay." "Yeah." "I can do that." "Yo." "Yo." "Yo." "Yo, yo." "Hey, yo, Rakim!" "Yo!" "Yo, what's up?" "Yo." "Yo, yo!" "Yo, my man." "What up, Goldberg?" "[♪♪♪]" "I love St. Valentine's Day." "Valentine's Day was invented by corporations to get people to buy stuff." "Come on, Jane." "You have no holiday spirit." "You said the same about St. Patrick's Day and Vienna Beef presents National Hot Dog Day." "That is not a real holiday." "It was on a calendar printed on a place mat at a hot dog stand." "All right." "You win." "But Saint Valentine is real." "It's a myth." "Valentinius Valentine was a 9th-century Prussian martyr who, after being ordained at Saint Stanislaus Church in Schleswig-Holstein, roamed the Black Forest in search of his long-lost love, Arbenus Sibonchka." "Wow." "When you're actually interested in something, you're kind of scary." "Not as scary as what the Romans did to Saint Valentine." "Hint, they ripped him tip to taint." "But if you believe in him, he will help you find love, and this year, he's gonna help me." "One of my favorite customers invited me to a St. Valentine's Day singles party." "Yeah. I bet you are gonna find the man of your dreams at" ""Captain Danny's Balls to the Wall V-Day Keg Race in Little Chechnya."" "You never know." "No." "Have you decided what sweet limo package you're gonna grab for V-Day?" "I got the lovers' package." "That's 69 dollars." "The romance package." "That's 69 dollars." "I got the fantasy package." "So they're all 69 dollars?" "No." "The spa package happens to be more expensive." "We agreed that one didn't work." "[WHlMPERlNG]" "Whoa!" "Buddy, that is the finest mobile spa experience you're gonna have for 1 69 dollars." "You guys mind?" "I'm on a call." "It's our apartment." "Shh." "Hey, Reed. I know. I'm so bummed I can't see you until V-Day." "No, I'm not." "No, she's not." "Tonight, ooga-booga, does not work, unfortch." "I'm too busy picking out the perfect present for you." "[MOUTHlNG] No, I'm not, No, she's not." "Tomorrow?" "Oh, I hate this." "I've got a friend in town." "What friend?" "No, she doesn't." "Okay." "Bye." "I feel bad." "He's probably planning this great night." "You're stringing him along till you dump him." "What?" "No." "No, I'm just respecting the breakup window." "And I bought him a very cute scarf." "Oh." "Lindsay and I were supposed to see a movie." "She cancelled." "That's cool." "Gives me time to design our V-Day menu, and you know I'm gonna kick it off with a "scrimp" cocktail, son." "You gots to open with the scrimp." "You gots to!" "Look, I'm scrimp-walking." "Scrimp-walking." "Scrimp-walking." "Wait, wait." "So Lindsay just cancelled?" "That seems odd." "Okay. I see where you're getting at, but not everybody is as terrible a person as you, Penny, all due respect." "Plus we're still having brunch tomorrow, so..." "Oh, of course you are." "No, they're not." "No, they're not." "Ha, ha." "Ha, ha, ha." "Penny, come on." "That is rude." "Yeah." "Dave and Lindsay are fine." "They are..." "Rock solid." "[BOTH SNlCKERlNG] I'm standing here." "That only works on the phone." "Right." "[♪♪♪]" "Surprise!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "Damn it!" "Sorry." "I'm sorry." "You know I hate surprises, though." "Yeah. lt's my fault." "Totally my fault that you hit me in the face, which is why I made a list of surprises I'm gonna be surprising you with for Valentine's Day." "This is the best surprise ever." "Although, I could have used a heads-up on this." "Yes." "How did you get a table at Tableau?" "That place is harder to get into than Obvious Joke Here." "The new alt comedy club downtown." "Yeah. I'm pulling out all the stops." "I got a new suit, stocked up on Michael Jordan cologne, and I'm gonna hit up the dentist to get my stones polished for my lady." "[BOTH babbling]" "You do love the dentist." "Hey, I'm the perfect patient." "Never had a cavity." "Never even had plaque." "Except that plaque they gave me for never having plaque." "JANE:" "That is a pretty sweet plaque plaque." "What else is on here?" "Oh." ""Put on some D'Angelo, then whip out my P'Angelo."" "What's that part of it?" "Uh..." "That's my personal notes." "Okay." "Well, not gonna lie." "This lovers' special is not moving the kind of units I was expecting." ""Beef hearts and hearts of palm on a hearty roll." Real talk." "Your truck's not great." "Lindsay just cancelled brunch." "Hm." "Hm, hm, hm." "So she cancelled the movie yesterday, and then she cancelled brunch today." "It sounds, I'm putting this together, like your lady is really respecting the breakup window." "No way. lt's just work's been very crazy, and she had to pick up a present for me, and she's got a friend coming into town." "Oh, boy." "Let's face it." "No one has ever had a friend in town." "Yeah, but what about the fancy dinner I planned?" "Well, this does not feel good." "[DEAN martin'S "AlN'T THAT A kick in THE HEAD" PLAYS]" "♪ How lucky can one guy be?" "♪" "♪ I kissed her and she kissed me ♪" "♪ Like the fella once said "Ain't that a kick in the head?" ♪" "♪ The room was completely black ♪" "♪ I hugged her and she hugged back ♪" "♪ Like the sailor said, quote "Ain't that a hole in the boat?"" "♪ My head keeps spinnin' ♪" "♪ I go to sleep, I keep grinnin' ♪" "♪ If this is just the beginnin' ♪" "♪ My life is gonna be beautiful ♪" "♪ I've sunshine enough to spread ♪" "♪ It's just like the fella said ♪♪" "Ooh." "Ooh?" "Heh." "I think you mispronounced "aah."" "You have a cavity." "Pfft." "Right." "A cavity." "Ha, ha, ha." "Good one, doc." "That's hilarious." "No big deal. I'm gonna give you a shot of Novocain so I can drill that cavity out." "Are you serious?" "Yes." "No!" "No, no." "I don't do drills or shots." "I can't do pain, okay?" "Give me the goof juice." "Give me the goof juice, and don't be bashful." "Put me all the way under, all the way under." "I won't get mad if I make in my pants." "Seriously. I won't sue if I poo." "[♪♪♪]" "Ooh." "Your grandma's stuff is so fancy." "Wasn't she, like, a big party girl back in the day?" "Oh, yeah." "J.F.K. once called her a real Chicago slut." "Why are you always so proud of that?" "It's Camelot, bro." "[ALEX CLEARS THROAT]" "Ooh." "Ha-cha-cha." "Ooh." "Grandma's lucky dress and fur." "Hope there's no black light at that party." "Guys. I don't know how I'm gonna spend an entire night alone with the winker." "I bet you end up together." "You can be his Arbenus Sibonchka." "His what?" "Let's get out of here." "You wanna walk out with us?" "No." "Brad needs me out." "He's gonna surprise me with champagne, candlelight, and a horse-drawn carriage." "We are gonna live it up tonight." "We've lost him." "I think we gave him too many drugs." "We found him." "Yes!" "[laughing AND groaning]" "These dinosaurs are awesome." "Dude, how high are you right now?" "Oh!" "Ah!" "[♪♪♪] I'm so excited about tonight." "Oh, the partish is so rude." "Hey, guys." "Let's make this a group hang." "Jump on back here." "Let's play Risk or something." "[whispering] Help me." "MAX:" "No problem, friend." "And for just under 70 bucks, I can throw in the romantic music package, which includes such hits as "More Than Words."" "I secretly love that song." "Who doesn't?" "Two men playing acoustic guitar at each other." "Wait. I think this is where my party is." "Are you sure?" "This is a nasty part of town." "The guy I sell my gray water to lives here." "No." "This is it." "Yup." "[lN NORMAL voice] Don't go!" "Have fun." "Thank you, sir." "You're welcome, madam." "PENNY:" "Al, why don't you join us for dinner?" "Or we could call it an early night." "I'm pretty ty-ty." "I just pounded a 5-hour." "Ugh." "Sorry, Pen, but I am on a love mission, courtesy of Saint Valentine." "Even though his mission ended in a beating so savage two of his tormentors committed suicide at the scene, I'm hoping for a different outcome." "Bye." "Wait." "[♪♪♪]" "Where is this place?" "Oh." "Oh." "Excuse me." "Hey." "Are you looking for a party?" "Yeah." "How about downtown?" "What?" "[sirens wailing]" "Step away from the car." "No, no, no. I'm not a whore." "Happy Valentine's Day." "Oh." "Are you not ready yet?" "I'm ready." "Let's do this thing." "Oh." "Oh, David." "Are those for me?" "Nope." "Okay." "So how was your week?" "Sorry I haven't seen you." "It's been, like, crazy." "Oh, me too." "Totally crazy." "Went out a ton, met up with my old drum circle, so the yewzh." "Okay." "Ooh, yum." "Shrimp." "Ah-ah-ah." "Those are not for you." "Oh." "What's for our dinner?" "Most people say to eat light on V-day because you're gonna nude up soon." "I say, phooey." "Beans." "Hope you like beans, Lindsay." "Like, I, um... [♪♪♪]" "ALEX:" "Thanks for picking me up from jail, Max." "No problem." "Just gotta pick up one more couple, then I'll take you to your party." "No. lt's cool." "Getting mistaken for a whore made me realize something." "Your grandmother was a whore." "No, tonight is not about me finding love." "It's about helping other people find love." "That's what Valentine did after the tragic death of Arbenus Sibonchka." "What?" "Well, you guessed it." "She was driven off a cliff by wild boars." "Hello, fine gents." "How are you on this fine eve" "What?" "I'm trying to help people find love." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "Alex, that's my ex, Grant." "Oh!" "I remember him." "He's so cute." "What happened to you?" "He dumped me." "Year ago today." "Oh!" "On Valentine's Day?" "That's why you hate Saint Valentine." "Why do you gasp?" "Oh!" "I don't know." "Do you have asthma?" "Oh!" "No." "Are you sure?" "[CHORTLES]" "Why don't you let me take over on the dipping?" "Ah." "No?" "You go in here." "Wow." "Getting your whole hand in there." "Oh." "Yay." "Hey, where did my strawberry go?" "Sweetie, you don't have to do this." "You should probably just go to bed." "You know, the doctor said he's surprised you're alive." "Got my third wind." "Yeah." "Oh, what time is it?" "We gotta go." "Max is gonna pick us up and take us to Tableau in his limo." "[chuckling]" "[SNORES]" "Fourth wind!" "Valentine's Day is the best day to do whites." "No one's using the machines." "What is your deal?" "You said we were gonna have a beautiful dinner then go for a limo ride." "Instead you made beans, you did your laundry, spent 45 minutes photographing your Game Genie for an Ebay auction." "Lindsay, I know about the breakup window." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, come on. "Work was crazy."" "You said you had to pick up a present for me." "You said you had a friend in town." "Nobody ever has a friend in town." "Work has been crazy, and I do have a friend in town, and we were gonna give you your dream gift." "Oh." "A sit-down with Guy Fieri?" "No, Dave." "A threesome." "[♪♪♪]" "[WHlMPERlNG]" "Oh!" "Got you!" "Ha, ha..." "You guys. I had you going." "I had you going. I was kidding!" "You got faced!" "You got faced!" "You must feel so stupid right now." "Yeah, real stupid." "Listen, I've got something serious to tell both of you." "What?" "Please let me do it." "Please." "No, no, no." "Goodbye, Dave." "Oh..." "Bye-bye." "Oh, my God." "So Grant dumped you on Valentine's Day?" "What did you do?" "Nothing." "Literally nothing." "Happy Valentine's Day." "Were we supposed to hang out today?" "I double booked you and this pizza." "So you took Grant for granted?" "Oh, God." "That made me sad when you said that." "Well, it's the truth." "No, how you said it made me sad." "But will you do me a favor?" "Will you let them out so I don't have to see him?" "[SlNG-SONG] You like him, you really like him." "What?" "That is so..." "Me?" "[lN NORMAL voice] Yeah." "Just a little." "Care?" "Yeah." "About anything, ha, ha, ever, especially something emotional I don't care about at all?" "Does this look like me, or does it look like somebody else?" "I think I can get away with it." "Maybe an accent." "All right." "Thank you very much, gentlemen, for choosing this particular unlicensed limousine company for your Valentine's Day." "Max?" "Hey." "Grant." "Happy Valentine's Day." "Clark, this is Max." "Oh, great." "Another guy you know." "I feel like I'm swimming upstream against a current of your ex-boyfriends." "It's like I'm a gay salmon fighting for my life in a river of bears." "More of a cub, but..." "[SCOFFS]" "Sorry you had to see that mixed metaphor." "Our relationship has been really touch-and-go lately." "He touches me, and I go, "Stop touching me."" "[CHUCKLES]" "Sorry you had to hear that too." "Well, I mean, he seems nice." "He's taking you out on Valentine's Day." "Better than the last chump you dated." "Yeah." "[♪♪♪]" "Hey, good to see you, Max." "You too, man." "Happy Valentine's Day." "[ALEX LAUGHS]" "Whoo, I knew it." "You are the one that's supposed to find love on Valentine's." "Al, he's with another guy." "Someone needs to find love tonight, or I'll freak." "Guys, you know how I was gonna dump Reed?" "Well, he just dumped me." "I mean, he said I had this quirk that he just couldn't stand." "I hate how you abbreviate everything." "People love my abbreves." "They're cute." "Penny, you asked my aunt how she was feeling after her full hysterecto." "I was trying to keep the vibe light." "I wanted to wait to break up with you because, you know, the window." "But I just can't." "I'm sorry, Penny." "Wait, so are we actually done or... I'm confused." "And then he said he hates when I say "amazing,"" "but I've barely said that at all this season." "You mean winter?" "Yeah. lt's more of a summer word." "We all struck out, but we are on our way to pick up Dave and his girl, so let's rejoice in his love." "[PENNY  MAX GROAN]" "Well, I just blew a threesome." "We talking two Vs, one D, Or two Ds, one V?" "Two Vs, Penny." "Two Vs." "You and your stupid breakup window." "It's a thing." "I'm sorry." "I know this has been something you've wanted for a long time." "Your first e-mail was threesomechaser @pulaskihillsmiddleschool.org." "It sure was." "Thanks for understanding." "All right, so it didn't work out for me, you, Dave or Max." "But I think Valentine is gonna come through for Brad and Jane." "Ooh!" "[BRAD giggles]" "Oh, snap!" "We in a limo." "[groaning]" "Hey." "Ross." "Rachel." "Phoebe." "Fat Joey." "Ha, ha, ha." "I love you guys." "Brad went to the dentist today." "Got rip high." "Poor guy." "It's like Weekend at Bernie Mac's back here." "Wait." "So your date was also a bust?" "Oh, God." "I guess Saint Valentine isn't real." "[PHONE rings]" "Oh, it's Grant." ""So much for Clark." "Another Valentine's Day ruined, thanks to you." "X.O." "X.O."?" "Faith restored." "Saint Valentine is gonna work his love magic for you and Grant." "Guys, don't you see?" "Max and Grant are the ones who are supposed to find love." "Come on." "Let's go get him." "For love." "I can't just go get him." "The reason he broke up with me was I blew it on Valentine's Day." "Am I gonna win him back with more nothing?" "I know a horsey!" "Okay. I bet you do." "Don't patronize me, Monica." "Okay." "That's it." "We are gonna get you Grant." "For love." "Step on it!" "Whoa, whoa!" "[ALEX whooping]" "[♪♪♪]" "[♪♪♪]" "Max." "Hi." "Uh... I just, I'm so bad at apologies." "I mean, so bad." "Often they're followed by a second, which is followed by an apology text, and in one case, a large cash settlement." "I just want to say I'm sorry, Grant, about everything, and, um..." "Happy Valentine's Day." "[EXTREME'S "MORE THAN WORDS" PLAYS] I thought you hated Valentine's Day." "I did, but I just thought maybe with the right guy, it would be kind of okay you know, and since Dennis Farina is straight," "I thought, why don't you and I hang out?" "I got you this. lt's a scarf." "Whoops." "Let's do it." "Okay." "[BRAD yelling]" "We got the horsies." "Right here!" "We should go, this is a bit of a fire hazard." "I'm just gonna blow these out." "You guys, stop." "We'll do that." "Max, you guys get in." "Here." "Fellas, enjoy this, and enjoy our reservation at Tableau." "It's gonna take forever to get there, but at least it'll smell better than Max's limo." "Thanks." "I wouldn't actually touch those blankets." "I hear bums have sex in these things when they're parked in the park." "♪ Then you couldn't Make things new ♪ I'll shut up." "Hyah!" "♪ I love you ♪♪" "ALEX:" "Oh..." "We did it." "I want to give all of you guys a big hug right now." "Something the real Valentine couldn't do after the Romans ripped his arms off." "They went hard at that guy." "Was there anything left?" "His heart, which they skewered and publically displayed in the town's center." "And that is why the heart is the symbol of Saint Valentine's Day." "Aw..." "What should we do now?" "Let's get drunk."