"In the last episode of Soap," "Chester found that Jessica's affair with Detective Donohue was no fly-by-night, frivolous fling, and has asked her for another chance to become the fellow she fell for in the first place." "Corinne found Tim in his cave and told him that if he wanted to find peace with himself, he'd better come down from his mountain and find a way to help his possessed son." "Though some of the Campbells find Jodie and Alice's gay relationship a little strange," "Alice finds the Campbells even stranger." "Billy finds that even though his old flame is a follower of a far-out religious group, he'd follow her anywhere." "Burt and Danny went looking for Elaine's kidnappers." "Danny didn't find them, but Burt found a flying saucer." "Danny finds Burt's findings completely unfounded." "And Burt is dumbfounded that Danny feels that way." "Confused?" "You won't be after tonight's episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "I know what I saw." "Here we are, Burt." "We're home." "How did you miss it?" "How did you not see it?" "With the lights?" "The noise?" "Danny..." "I don't know." "Let's talk about it later, huh?" "Come on." "Let's get you a glass of warm milk and a hot bath..." "you're gonna feel much better." "There, see?" "You think I'm crazy." "No, Burt." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do." "You think I'm nuts." "What, hot milk and a warm bath?" "Warm milk and a hot bath." "That's for crazy people." "You're not crazy, Burt." "I don't think you're crazy." "Well, you're driving me crazy." "I've gotta get some sleep around here." "I have an audition tomorrow." "I'm gonna have circles under my eyes." "You're home." "Thank God." "I was so worried." "Jodie told me where you went." "What happened?" "Nothing." "It was a false alarm." "Danny, I don't want you to do this..." "What's the matter?" "Burt?" "What?" "Is something wrong?" "You look strange." "Mercy me!" "She finally noticed." "Tell her." "Just keep quiet, will you?" "No, Burt, I think you should tell her." "What?" "Tell me what?" "Nothing." "Burt!" "Listen, I'm not gonna tell you, because you won't believe it, and then you're gonna laugh at me." "I won't laugh at you, Burt." "You will." "I..." "I..." "I won't!" "You promise?" "I promise." "You?" "I swear." "You?" "I'm not gonna laugh." "I might yawn, but I'm not gonna laugh." "Okay." "All right, because this is serious." "A really fantastic thing happened tonight." "I saw a flying saucer." "I knew it." "I knew it." "I knew I never should have said it." "That's the last time I tell anybody here anything." "Oh, my sides." "I'm dying." "I can't breathe!" "Chuck..." "Upstairs, please." "Danny..." "Oh, that's worth staying up for." "A flying saucer!" "You think I'm crazy." "You're not crazy." "Then you believe me?" "You're not crazy." "You see that?" "I knew it." "You don't believe me." "I'm sure you saw something, Burt." "Maybe a funny-shaped cloud or a large bird or..." "Mary, no." "There's no bird." "This was not a bird." "I mean I stood there and I watched it." "I watched it rise up behind this little hill and it went up and up and up and... whoosh!" "It was gone." "Well, what did it look like?" "Oh, it was shiny and had a lot of lights and made a big noise and..." "it's no bird." "No plane, no dream." "This is a flying U.F.O. from-another-planet saucer." "You think I'm crazy." "You do." "It's written all over your face." "No, I don't." "I don't think you're crazy." "You do." "You do." "You're sitting there saying, "ah, my husband, stable man."" "Huh? "Last year, invisible." "This year, space cadet."" "Burt, you've been under a strain." "No, no, I'm under a strain now." "Now is the strain." "Before was a picnic." "Darling, listen, you know, uh... you haven't taken any time off in a long time." "Maybe we could take a little vacation and go away..." "to the beach." "To Nantucket." "Sure, take the nut to Nantucket." "Mary, I don't need a vacation here." "What I need here is for you to believe me." "That's what I need." "I know that's asking a lot." "Mr. Mental Health here, asking you to believe a flying saucer story, but that's it, that's the truth." "Hey, please believe me, honey." "Mare, take it on faith." "I'm not lying." "I'm not mistaken." "The only choices left are I'm crazy or I'm telling the truth." "Pick one." "Anybody home?" "Oh, welcome." "Welcome, welcome." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "I came here to see..." "Although I am white, and you are black..." "Please..." "We are both one in the eyes of the Reverend Sun-Ray Sung." "Too bad he's not the president of South Africa." "Reverend Sung is the ruler of the universe." "Big job." "Listen, uh..." "I came here to see Billy Tate." "I'll look for him." "Crutaya." "Mmm." "Very nice." "A grown man walking around with bean dip between his ears." "Benson!" "Hi there." "Benson, what are you doing here?" "I was about to ask you the same thing." "Lisa, this is Benson." "Benson, Lisa." "Oh... hari bari!" "Are you here to shed your fears and rid your body and mind of stress and aggravation?" "No, in my work, I need my stress and aggravation." "I came here to see Billy." "Well, perhaps Billy could show you around." "I have to go now to my anti-deprogramming seminar." "Okay." "See you later." "Crutaya." "Isn't she something?" "What are you doing here?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, are you going to join this organization or what?" "Oh, no, I'm just here because of Lisa." "Oh, yeah..." "She's the bait they use." "Maybe she likes me." "Maybe I finally found someone who just likes having me around." "Look, Billy, I know that things are rough at home, but joining up with these people is not the answer." "She loves me." "She told me so." "Sure, she loves you, all right." "She loves you." "She loves tulips." "She loves cheese danish, linoleum..." "They're trained that way." "But the only one they really love is their leader." "I don't call that love." "Look, I'm crazy about her, so try to understand, okay?" "Okay." "If you need me, you know where to find me." "I guess I better be going." "Hey..." "What?" "You mad at me?" "Oh, hell, no." "Disappointed in me?" "No." "Look, I just don't want you to do nothing dumb." "Don't worry." "Benson." "What?" "I love you." "Just don't shave your head." "Don't worry." "I worry." "Hi." "Oh... hi." "Thank you." "They walk around with those trays in front of them, they can't see a thing." "Hi, how are you?" "Fine." "How are you?" "Fine." "Well, a nervous wreck." "How long have you been here?" "Oh, since breakfast." "When you called and told me to meet you," "I knew you were going to end it, so I thought I'd get here early and fortify myself with a few drinks." "Well, I didn't come here to end it." "You didn't?" "No, silly." "But I had all those drinks." "I hate to drink." "Are you drunk?" "No, I threw up in the men's room." "Are you ready to order?" "I think so." "Jessica?" "Yes, I think that I will have the..." "Sole Veronique, please." "Ah, Sole Veronique." "Very nice." "Very nice." "And I'll have the fresh mussels." "Mussels?" "Right." "Do you want mussels?" "There aren't any mussels?" "Oh, for the seagulls, maybe." "This is the wrong season for mussels." "Mussels." "Did I say mussels?" "How dumb." "What was I thinking?" "We're not even close to the mussel season." "I know, mussels now?" "What a laugh." "I didn't mean to say mussels." "I meant to say Brussels." "Brussels sprouts." "Do you want..." "You want Brussels sprouts as a main course?" "Of course not." "For the main course," "I'd like to have the Duck L'Orange." "And could I please have peaches instead of oranges?" "No." "Just testing." "I'll have the oranges, and bring us a bottle of your '56 Montrechet." "Same as the mussels?" "Fifty-six?" "No?" "Think." "Frost in '56." "The big frost?" "Oh, the big frost!" "I forgot all about it." "The wine was terrible that year." "Fudgsicles were good." "Completely forget about the wine." "Just bring us a bottle of your best." "Perhaps you'd like that to go." "It's not over between us?" "No." "I came here, really, to apologize for taking so long to make a decision." "Oh, that's okay." "I understand." "I just can't decide." "Well, its not like you're picking a wallpaper, you know." "I know." "Well, if it were medieval times, it would be so much easier." "I mean, then, if a lady couldn't decide between two suitors, she'd give them a kind of a test like, uh, you know, who could slay a dragon and that one would be the winner." "Gee, if I only knew where there was a dragon." "What if I slay Chester?" "I promise you I'll make a decision soon." "It's not easy, you know." "Especially the nights." "Lying alone there, wondering what you and Chester are doing in bed." "Nothing." "We sleep." "Oh, come on, Jessica." "No, I mean, really, we're not having any sex." "You're not having sex with him?" "Great." "Want to have sex with me?" "I just wanted to ask you, please, to be patient with me a little while longer." "I'll be patient with you for the rest of my life." "Golly, it would be so much easier if you weren't so perfect." "Oh..." "Your wine, monsieur." "Oh, Benson," "Corinne and Tim will be here soon." "I think you should go upstairs and make up their room." "You do, do you?" "Yes, Benson, while you're at it, you can make up our room too," "The sheets haven't been changed in days." "That's because" "I haven't changed them in days." "I'm aware of that." "And unless that devil upstairs makes other living arrangements," "I'm never going up there again." "What about our bed?" "Bring it down here." "I'll be glad to change it." "Benson..." "there is no devil upstairs." "Fine." "You go change the baby." "Benson, what are you afraid of?" "Death..." "pain and death." "How about unemployment?" "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "Oh, Corinne, how are you, darling?" "Hi, Mom." "Hi, Dad." "Well, hey... s... son." "So how's the baby?" "Fine." "Just fine." "Corinne and Benson seem to think we have a problem." "Frankly, I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary a little house shaking, a little light blinking a little furniture flying... a little maniacal laughter." "But I'm sure he finds it all very amusing." "Personally, I don't think he's possessed." "I think he's a little hyper." "Of course, everyone's entitled to their own opinion." "Don't get me wrong." "I enjoy Superman, but for $42 million dollars, he should've been flying around the lobby." "Oh, Jodie!" "Hi." "Hi." "Sorry, I didn't know you were home." "I am." "Maxine, this is Jodie." "Hi." "Larry." "Hi." "Hi." "That's Alice and Maxine." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "Hi." "We'll go." "You don't have to go." "Don't be silly." "Come on, we'll go." "No, no, no, don't be silly." "This is your apartment." "Alice, you live in it too." "Don't be silly." "Alice, don't tell me, "Don't be silly."" "I can leave if I want to." "I live here." "Alice, it's okay." "I better go anyway." "Don't be silly." "No, really, I've got to catch a subway all the way downtown, and when it gets late, I get afraid, so I think it's best I go now." "Actually, I'm on my way downtown myself." "I'll go with you." "Oh, terrific." "Well, don't do anything we wouldn't do." "How could we?" "Maxine, I'll call you." "So was that your type?" "What do you mean, "type"?" "Type." "Type..." "is that what you like?" "That happens to be a person, a very nice person." "Oh, I'm sure." "I'm sure." "It's just that she looks like Karl Malden." "Please, don't start." "Your friend wears more jewelry than I do." "What are you talking about?" "Did you see what he was wearing around his neck?" "If he threw it over the side of a ship, it'd be an anchor." "Alice, I wouldn't talk about taste if I were you." "I mean, that girl..." "and I use the term loosely... gives new meaning to the word "tacky."" "Well, at least I'm with a human being, not with an 8x10 glossy." "What, are you jealous?" "Are you crazy?" "I think you're jealous." "How could I be jealous?" "I'm gay." "Besides which, if anyone sounds jealous, it's you." "What what makes you think I'm jealous?" "Because you're acting jealous." "Well, I am not jealous." "I couldn't possibly be." "That's the most stupid thing in the world." "Well, God knows I'm not jealous." "Then what are we talking about, jealous?" "Neither one of us are jealous." "How could we possibly be jealous?" "We're gay." "We're not jealous." "We're aggravated." "Why are we aggravated?" "Probably because we're a little jealous." "You are jealous." "Stop gloating, Alice." "So are you." "Well, why are we jealous?" "You're asking me?" "I mean, that's the most craziest thing in the world." "It's completely insane." "I mean, you get jealous when you care about someone." "I know that." "Well, what's gonna happen?" "I don't know that." "Well, it's probably gonna make dating very tough." "Not necessarily." "Do you wanna go out?" "When?" "Now." "Sure." "Is this a date?" "Don't push it." "Tim's been up there for hours." "What's he doing up there?" "Well, Corinne, you can't beat the devil in a day." "These things take time." "It's just not fair, Ma." "He's just a little baby." "He doesn't understand any of this." "There's nothing in his life that he can remember yet, much less understand." "He's such a tiny little thing." "He doesn't deserve this." "Corinne..." "Begging the Colonel's pardon." "Yes, Major, what is it?" "I don't want to upset the women, but we're doomed!" "Major." "One more attack like the last one, and this old troop ship will come apart like tissue paper." "Major, we're not on a ship." "You mean we've landed?" "Hit the beach!" "Well?" "He's possessed, all right." "Are you sure?" "All the signs are there." "He speaks in tongues." "Tongues is usually the dead give-away." "Unless he's fluent in Latin and Greek, you gotta go with possessed." "That's how you were able to tell." "That and the fact that he threw me across the room several times." "What do we do now?" "It's not what we do now." "It's what I'm gonna do now." "He's been waiting for me." "He thinks my faith has been weakened ever since I left the priesthood." "It's between me and the Prince of Darkness." "But I'll need your help." "Well, I'm sure we'll all be glad to do anything we can to help, won't we, everybody?" "Oh, now see here," "I've had about enough of that!" "We are dealing with a Prince of Darkness." "Prince of Darkness..." "Prince of Rudeness is more like it!" "Don't start with him, dear." "I want you to know" "I'm holding you personally responsible for any and all damages done to these premises, except, of course, for the spoon that got caught in the garbage disposal." "I don't think I can blame him for that." "You have done it now!" "This is nothing." "By the time he gets through, this house may not be standing around." "He'll turn us against each other, throw us all over the room, knock things over, tear fixtures out of the walls..." "Would you ask the devil not to fool around with the phone?" "I am expecting an important call from Dutch's lawyer." "Eunice!" "Well, Corinne, life goes on." "Flotsky, get up here!" "Flotsky!" "Answer him, for God's sake!" "Shut up, you whimpering fool!" "Right." "Absolutely right." "Yes, I whimper, I have a tendency to whimper." "Shut up!" "Corinne, I better go prepare." "If anything happens to me, if the devil wins and I die," "I want you to get in touch with this man." "Father Carvellis?" "Yeah, I'm sure when Father Carvellis hears how you died, he'll run right over." "I said a prayer." "I prayed for guidance and strength, and I prayed that you'd forgive me for ever having doubted you." "I hope you can." "Flotsky!" "Oh, my God!" "I better get up there." "But I'll need someone to help me." "I'll go." "No, Corinne." "Tim, I'm his mother." "I should be up there." "It's not your baby up there now, Corinne." "This is something totally out of your control." "Later, when he needs his mother," "I'll let you come up, but not now." "I'll go." "Benson..." "My mother always said to me, she said," ""Son, look the devil in the eye and meet him straight on." ""You can't wrestle him to the ground unless you got ahold of him first."" "My mother was a babbling fool, is what she was." "A major crackpot." "Everybody knew it." "She was nuts!" "Are Alice and Jodie falling in love?" "Is Billy's love for Lisa going to get him in deeper and deeper with the Sunnys?" "Is Jessica getting close and closer to choosing between Chester and Detective Donohue?" "Does Mary think that Burt is slipping further and further from reality?" "Will anyone ever believe him?" "Do you believe him?" "Are Tim and the Tates prepared to take on the devil?" "Is the devil prepared to take on Tim and the Tates?" "These questions, and many others, will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience."