"BIG BEN CHIMES" "Excuse me, could you tell me the way to Nutbourne College?" "You must be the new English master!" "Yes." "Richard Tassell." "My name's Billings." "I teach Maths." "The carriage should be without." "Hello, Rainbow, old scout!" "Aye, aye, sir." "How was Mon Repos, Southsea?" "Middling, sir." "This is mr." "Tassell, the new English master." "Pleased to meet you." "Keep on the right side of Rainbow." "He runs the school and knows the country." "Black-market whisky, butter, eggs, anything at a price, right, Rainbow?" "Times are difficult, sir." "Is this your first appointment?" "Yes." "Ex-service?" "Army." "Pond interviewed you, I suppose." "What did you make of him?" "He seemed quite pleasant." "He's bats." "You're going to loathe it here." "That's a fine way of introducing me to it(!" ")" "Oh, I see you've been putting in a spot of work on the garden for a change, Rainbow." "It's mr." "Pond, sir." "He's been on at me and Edwin all the week." ""Clean this up." "Paint that."" "Hasn't given us a moment." "Must be expecting a gaggle of parents." "There are six cottages in the village, a pub and a post office." "We are now entering the main hall of the noble pile." "According to history, it goes back to Henry VIII." "According to the bank, it goes back to THEM, unless Pond keeps up with his payments." "Fine old staircase..." "Mmm. ...but you have to climb it 20 times a day." "And this is the common room." "Haven from howling kids and the back parlour of our domestic life." "You'll find your evenings here rollicking(!" ")" "Matthews - he's the second master - plays a good hand of ecarte." "Joue here suffers from insomnia." "JOUE SNORES" "Takes French and he plays backgammon...when he's awake." "I'll introduce you to him later." "What about you?" "What do you do?" "Football pools." "I once won 30 bob." "It's led me astray ever since." "HORN PLAYS A TUNE" " What's that?" " Hyde-Brown." "Known to the natives as Whizzo." "He's the sports master." "He's the only chap who isn't really affected by this place." "Oh, I'm sorry if I'm painting a gloomy picture." "Oh, hello, Ramsden." "This is Tassell, the new English master." " How do you do?" " How do you do?" "He's the science master." "We call him the Ghost of Nutbourne." "Ha!" "How are you, Billings, you jaundiced swine?" "Oh, had the devil of a journey." "Thought I'd never make it." "Nearly ran out of juice." "Must get old Rainbow to get me some more petrol coupons." "Hello?" "Hello." "That you, Joan, dear?" "Look, get me Ashfield 69." "I'm not going to pay what he asked last term - seven bob a gallon." "This is Tassell, the new Englisher." "Victor Hyde-Brown." "Oh, how are you, old boy?" "...Hello?" "Hello?" "That you, Alf?" "Vic here." "Look, what won the 4.30?" "..." "Oh." "What was second and third?" "..." "Oh." "Did..." "Winter Cottage run?" "Oh, thanks. ..." "Just my luck." "I say, Tassell, you can have this cupboard." "What's that ass Pond been up to?" "This place hasn't had a coat of paint since they took photographs for the prospectus." "I say, you chaps, take a butcher's at these." "This is a little job I ran across in a joint in Montmartre." "She comes from Birkenhead actually." "The one with the advanced ideas - that's Jeanne." "Won't you ever grow up?" "I certainly hope not." "That's Yvette." "What a scorcher." "It's I'amour, old man." "You'll gather Brownie is interested in a wide variety of sports(!" ")" "There you are, Billings." "I expected you earlier." "You're not going to run through the Second XV fixtures or anything of that sort?" "What is it?" "I put a notice on the board." "Mr Tassell, I take it?" "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "I'm Matthews, the second master." "You'll find us a very happy family here." "Since when?" "!" "What is it on the board, Matty." "Really, it's only three yards." "Mr. Pond wants to go to tea today." "Tea?" "!" "That's the first time." "What's the idea?" "I haven't the remotest notion." "It's about 5.30 and I saw mrs." "Hampstead going in with the tea about two minutes ago." "We have no alternative but to investigate this strange phenomenon." "Let's go." "Oh, do you want...wary Willy?" "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!" "And before term's started." "Monsieur Joue." "Wake up, Monsieur Joue." "Wake up!" "J'aurai, tu auras, il aura..." "He hasn't had Rainbow and Edwin working for nothing." "If Pond's dishing out a free bun fight, ...there's something brewing apart from tea." "Maybe he's getting married and wants to impress the lady." "The day Pond exchanges a smile with a woman, ...I'll dance the hornpipe naked on the village green." "And as for anything in this dump impressing anyone..." "HE KNOCKS" "Come in, gentlemen, please." "POND LAUGHS" "Excuse me." "Tea is served." "POND CHUCKLES" "Mr Tassell." "Welcome to Nutbourne." "Delighted to have you join us." "My colleagues, I'm sure, will tell you all you need to know about the school." "Right, Billings?" "Sit down, gentlemen, sit down." "Lend me a hand with the tea, will you, Billings, please?" "Well, I hope you all enjoyed your vacations." "Come in Matthews, Joue." "Here we are all once again back in harness." "And I, for one, can say that I'm..." "I'm not sorry." "Sit down, Ramsden." "Yes, it's 15 years almost to the day since I first Don't forget the sugar, Billings." "15 years since I came here." "And I must say it's 15 years that I shall look back on with a very deepest affection." "There'll be many more to look back upon before you and Nutbourne part company, sir." "I appreciate that sentiment, Matthews." "But I'm afraid it's a...a pleasure that may not be granted to me." "Oh, come, sir!" "Ha-ha, yes!" "Are these crumpets?" "I don't know(!" ")" "As a matter of fact, that is why I've asked you all to come here." "There is a distinct possibility that I may be translated to a higher sphere." "Not your heart again, sir?" "My heart is perfectly all right, Billings." "No, I've been urged to consider an appointment elsewhere." "No, sir!" "Yes, the headmastership of Harlingham." "But that's a decent school." "One of the majors." "This is a shock." "I hardly dare think what would happen to Nutbourne if you left." "It would be a tremendous wrench for me, too, Matthews." "Oh!" "Crumpets it is." "Plates, Billings." "But, Matthews, that the call of duty comes before even that of affection." "And the call of duty would be stronger at Harlingham, sir?" "I have always felt that the highest aim of a teacher is to sow the seeds of knowledge of ever wider, more fertile fields." "We're a comparatively small school here, and judging from recent examination results, not abundantly fertile." "Give Joue his tea, will you, Billings, please?" "Which brings me to my second point." "The governors of Harlingham will shortly be visiting here to study my methods." "Then you haven't cornered the job yet, sir?" "!" "The problem is a mutual one, Billings." "Will Harlingham suit me?" "Will I be equal to Harlingham?" "Mmm, crumpets are nice, sir." "Thank you, Matthews." "I'm sure with your co-operation and perhaps a little a little extra effort, ...we can show the governors of Harlingham that our school is every bit as good as..." "Ramsden." "Will you please sit down?" "Oh, and bearing this in mind," "Mr Joue, do you think you might contrive to spend a little more of the day with us?" "Thank you, Joue." "And you, Billings..." "Billings, do you think you could devote a little more of your time to obtaining class results and a little less to trying to forecast the football variety, hmm?" "!" "Good." "And talking of football, Hyde-Brown, I seem to recall that last year, our first XV lost 11 out of the 12 matches." "POND CHUCKLES Might I suggest in your case a little more of the coach, ...a little less of the Coach and Horses?" "Oh, I say, that's a bit of a reflection, isn't it, sir?" "Come, come, come!" "You mustn't think, gentlemen, that I make these comments in a spirit of carping criticism." "DOOR OPENS On the contrary." "Rainbow?" "Begging pardon, sir, ...would you mind telling me how many new boys there is this term?" "Rainbow, you know better than to interrupt my conferences!" "I gave you a note this morning." "We're expecting TWO." "You may be expecting two, sir." "You're going to get 102!" "See mr." "Matthews about it later and go away now, please!" "..." "I'm sorry." ""217 trunks, 217 tuck boxes", it says here." ""Invoice 7348", er..." ""British Railways"." "I'm not in the least concerned about what the British Railways think it is." "It's a mistake." "Take it away and forget about it!" "You can't hardly forget 217 trunks and tuck boxes, sir." "This is worse than teaching algebra to the remove." "It's only on paper, man." "On paper!" "Take a look a the drive, sir." "Drive?" "!" "217 trunks and tuck boxes!" "Uh!" "217?" "!" "Good gracious!" "And all correct too, sir." "I counted 'em." "This is what comes of nationalising the railways." "The fellows don't know their LMS from the Southern Region." "Instead of the ordinary muddle, we've complete chaos." "You and Edwin will have to send those trunks ...that don't belong to us back to the station." "How do I know which don't belong?" "Check the register." "If there's any clash about names, you can tell by the initials." "Here we have a D Johnson." "Now, we have an A Johnson, but no..." "But this is addressed to "St Swithin's," ""Nutbourne College, Nutbourne, Hants"." "There's another St Swithin's here, sir." "I suppose this isn't some fourth-form prank?" "I don't offer this as a solution, sir, but a letter came this morning addressed to the Secretary of St Swithin's." "What did you do with it?" "I marked it "unknown", returned it to the Ministry." "The Ministry?" "!" "The Ministry wrote to St Swithin's HERE?" "Yes, sir." "And you didn't open it?" "Oh, no, of course not." "Excuse me, sir, but I may be able to offer a helping hand here, sir." "Oh?" "You know the postman's supposed to clear the box in the hall at midday?" "Yes, well?" "Well, as a result of an arrangement between him and me," "I've been in the habit of taking the post to the village for him." "And today you haven't?" "Not yet, but, er..." "I've got the key, sir." "I see." "Then the GPO don't receive the letters until you hand them over in the village post office." "Er...pub, sir." "That poses a pretty problem as to when exactly the letters become the property of the Post Office." "It's not a problem I intend to go into too deeply." ""The attached form E.43 should also be signed by a responsible representative of the school whose premises are being shared."" ""Whose premises are being shared"?" "!" "What on earth could have happened?" ""Name of school to be re-evacuated..."" "Re-evacuated?" "!" "What on earth's re-evacuated?" "!" "Someone's written against it "St Swithin's"." "That's them." ""Destination Nutbourne College, Hants." Us." ""Date of arrival, 17th September..." Today." "But it can't!" "I mean, it can't!" "I'll get on to this Government department at once." "Whitehall 1312, please." "...If anyone should send a school here without first consulting me - ...it's outside the bounds of possibility." "Shall I stop Rainbow ...taking that luggage to the station?" "Certainly not." "If the..." "Hello, I want to speak to the Schools Resettlement Department, please." "I beg your pardon?" "But there must be somebody there." "Put me on to somebody somewhere else." "Nobody?" "!" "It's fantastic(!" ")" "It's absolutely fantastic(!" ")" "They've closed the office and gone home." "So, at any moment, we may expect 100 extra boys." "Well, I must talk to Mrs Hampstead at once." "100 extra boys." "With staff, I presume." "Not even a postcard to let us know they're coming." "Nothing we can do about it until I talk to someone in the morning." "We've barely enough space for our own boys." "You rang, sir." "I did." "Mrs. Hampstead, you will prepare to receive 217 boys." "Pardon?" "117 of our boys and 100 from another school." "I see." "The...the other school will remain for one night only." "Now, let me get this clear, sir." "I'm to expect 217 boys tonight?" "That's right." "There's only one way to deal with a crisis like this." "First..." "What are they going to eat?" "Mmm?" "Well, they'll have what we have, of course." "Well, if they have it, we won't." "Do you mind if we deal with first things first?" "With small boys - that comes first." "Where are they going to sleep?" "There's no room in the dormitories, ...so...we'll have to find somewhere else." "At Harlingham," "I'll be dealing with far greater numbers of boys." "This might prove a blessing." "That's one way of looking at it!" "Yes!" "...Well, I propose we make a tour of the school." "With a little application, we can settle the whole problem." "Shall I get Rainbow to unload those trunks?" "Oh, yes." "I'd forgotten all about them." "Come along, everybody." "Oh, Matthews, as to bedding, we've all those straw palliasses we used in summer camp." "I'll have Rainbow get 'em out." "Sir, while you're running around," "I'll slip down and break the good news to cook." "Mrs Hampstead, we are faced with an emergency." "I expect the staff to rise to it." "They'll rise all right(!" ") Good." "Phew!" "I don't know how it's ever going to get as far as the station." "No!" "How long did it take you to load that lot?" "Oh, 25 minutes." "Well, you've got a chance to beat it." "You've got to unload it again." "Huh?" "St Swithin's is coming to stay for the night." "You're not speaking in earnest?" "That's the strength of it, sorry." "Phew!" "Somebody must have gone barmy." "100 bloomin' extra kids first day of term!" "Your turn to do the shoes." "The staff sleeping problem presents some difficulties." "Whose room is this?" "Hyde-Brown's and mine." "Pleasant little room." "Now, let's see, ...do you think we might put two more beds in here, hmm?" "Any difficulties?" "None, except how to get into bed." "You're not adopting a very helpful attitude, Billings." "We're obliged to offer the school our hospitality." "I suggest we do it with grace." "It's not too much to ask you to share your rooms with the staff." "We won't find suitable accommodation for their headmaster." "If you are looking to me to give you a lead, ...Billings, I must say that I should be only too glad to share my room with my opposite number in St Swithin's." "As I expected - an ancient mausoleum." "Topping grounds for the Guides and Brownies to muster in." "The mustering of the Guides and Brownies is not our only activity, miss Gossage." "No." "If there are any dorms facings south," "Miss Jezzard, see that our girls get them." "The infant animal needs space to breathe and blow." "We could settle the whole thing quickly by sleeping the kids two in a bed." "End to end." "We've the parents to consider." "We must appear to give them value for their money." "No, I'm afraid we must seek other fields for St Swithin's." "That's a thought." "Mmm?" "Fields, sir." "I'm quite sure, Hyde-Brown, your ready wit must make you exceedingly popular in the fourth form." "Heavenly place." "I never heard of anything like it!" "Mr. Pond may think he's obliging someone, ...but he's not obliging US." "We're not slaves." "Nobody said you were." "BELL RINGS" "The front door bell's ringing, Milly." "Oh, let it ring." "I shall speak to Mr Hyde-Brown about this." "Evidently not on their toes." "We'll try our luck inside." "Well, a tap on that gong should bring them from their burrows." "Yes, miss Whitchurch." "LOUD BONGS" "A tap, Gossage." "I said a tap." "You're not introducing a film." "We're not getting on very fast, gentlemen." "There are still 60 boys to accommodate." "GONG SOUNDS" "Matthews, find out who's ringing that gong." "If it's one of the boys, give him 100 lines." "There must be somewhere else." "Uh..." "The attic." "We can't bumble around here all day." "...What's in there?" "It's another sort of hall, miss Whitchurch." "I seem to detect an odour of last term's cottage pie." "A-hem." "Yes, well, when Rainbow has cleaned all this up, there ought to be room here for about, ooh, 60 boys." "What about air, sir?" "Air?" "!" "Oof!" "Let me see now." "Well, if we open this skylight..." "Mmm!" "Well, I daresay it will open." "And keep the hatch wide, there ought to be a nice through draught." "I'm wondering more and more what's in store for us, Gossage." "It's a perfectly ghoulish atmosphere." "The sunlight seems quite out of place." "No polish on the stairs or banisters, and dust everywhere!" "Whatever else they teach here, it certainly isn't housecraft." "Are you in the habit of writing your name all over the place, Gossage?" "No, Miss Whitchurch." "Then kindly stop doing it at once." "SHE KNOCKS" "Well, the mistresses' common room, I assume." "Huh." "Cold comfort farm by all appearances!" "And billiards!" "How very strange." "No tips." "Huntin', shootin' and fishin', it seems." ""Wetherby Pond, 1939"." "But no mention of who caught it." "Probably bought at auction." "Boxing!" "Self-defence, I suppose." "Well, doesn't surprise me after reading the school motto." "No." "Heavy smokers, too." "No signs of lipstick." "That's astonishing." "Cards?" "!" "The Racehorse?" "!" "Gaming, nicotine, fisticuffs - ...we're moving in a descending spiral of iniquity!" "Ah!" "A woman's bookshelf is an infallible guide to her character." "Oxford English Dictionary," "Dictionary Of Phrase And Fable," "The Diary Of Samuel Pepys - abridged." "Well, that's something to be thankful for(!" ")" "What's up here?" "A-hem." "Memoirs Of Casanova." "Wasn't that the book we caught Jessica James reading in the closet?" "Yes." "Yes." "Decameron Nights." "Well, really!" "Whatever else this establishment may or may not be, ...it's clearly not a suitable place to bring carefully nurtured girls to." "I should jolly well say not." "But what can we do about it?" "We must tell the Ministry." "They got us into it." "They must get us out of it." "Well, that settles the sleeping question." "Now, it's the meals." "Cook will simply have to stagger them." "That shouldn't be difficult." "Come along." "Rainbow can bring down the table from the carpenter's shop." "What's this? "Gossage"?" "Mmm?" "Some of the boys starting to arrive?" "Give the boy who wrote his name there 50 lines." ""Gossage"?" "I don't know any Gossages." "Maybe it's a St Swithin's kid." "Then give him 50 lines." "I'll not have their boys writing their names all over our dust..." "Who's that?" "Er, little girl." "Yes?" "Who..." "Who are you?" "I mean, what do you want?" "This is Nutbourne College." "That's right." "I just biked on ahead with Miss Harper's things." "She's with the crocodile." "Crocodile?" "!" "What on earth's she talking about?" "Who..." "Who's Miss Harper?" "Miss Harper?" "Well, she's English and history and jolly dee!" "In fact, she's the only decent mistress in St Swithin's." "St Swithin's?" "!" "You don't mean to say that yours is a school of boys AND girls?" "Oh, no!" "Only girls." "Does this mean, sir, that we are to expect 100 young ladies?" "It means not only have the Ministry made a mistake in sending a school here at all, ...but they've apparently been guilty of an appalling sexual aberration." "I shall ask for the home number of the man responsible." "If they refuse, I shall speak to the Minister himself." "Do you know what this means, old boy?" "Popsies, scores of them." "There are only two types of school mistress, chum - the battleaxe and the Amazon." "I bet you five bob they fall into one class or the other." "The condition of the place is indescribable." "Dust and dirt everywhere." "And the staff seem to match their surroundings." "I've seen quite enough to know ...it's no place to bring well-brought-up girls to..." "I agree with that last statement." "Will you kindly remove yourself from my chair, my telephone..." "Sorry, I didn't catch what you said..." "Will you kindly move yourself from my telephone?" "!" "Will you please refrain from interfering?" "I don't know who you are, but I'm in the middle of a conversation with the Ministry." "Ministry?" "!" "Hello?" "Give me that!" "Will you desist at once, sir?" "!" "You leave me no alternative." "How dare you, sir?" "How dare YOU, madam?" "!" "Hello, hello." "This is Wetherby Pond speaking, ...the headmaster of Nutbourne College." "I don't know how much you know about what's going on here, ...but I will not have a girls' school on my premises, ...not for a single day, not for a single hour, not..." "I don't want your sympathy, man." "I want action." "I want these women removed bag and baggage." "And I'm not putting down this telephone until I know what you're going to do about it." "Have I made myself clear?" "Oh, yeah, I understand." "But I think you'd better have a word with the guv'nor when he comes back." "Where is he?" "Eh?" "I think he's stoking the boilers." "To whom am I talking?" "Thank you." "You were speaking to the junior assistant caretaker." "The Ministry is closed!" "I take it you are some sort of official in this girls' school." "I don't like your tone, my man." "I'll answer you when you're in possession of yourself." "Madam, I'm well able to control myself." "Unaccustomed as I am to having girls' schools thrust upon me, ...no doubt, in years to come, I shall look upon this as amusing." "But I shan't." "The only solution is to send your girls back home until the whole position is rectified." "Out of the question." "At least 50 of my girls..." "I'm not at all concerned where they come from!" "It is impossible for them to remain here." "It is equally impossible for them to go elsewhere." "At any moment now, they'll be arriving, ...hot and tired from their journey, bursting for a hot bath and peckish for their high tea." "By the way, a-hem, ...my name is Whitchurch." "I am Principal of St Swithin's." "Oh..." "How do you...?" "How do you do?" "What's more, I make it a rule that junior school go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire at 6.30 sharp with their milk and biscuits - digestive." "Have you digestive?" "I don't know." "But if there are any, they'll be eaten by my boys." "Oh, come now, it's no use playing dog in the manger." "Let us face this squarely." "Which day do your boys arrive?" "Today at 6.15, hot, tired and peckish for their high tea." "Yes, I see your problem." "I'm grateful for that." "We must don our thinking caps." "Madam, I'm not donning anything." "Oh!" "We've just been hurled out of our common room..." "By a bunch of ruffians." "One pulled me out of my chair." "Miss Whitchurch, you realise where we are?" "You don't imagine I've been here indulging in social chit-chat." "Mr Pond, permit me to introduce my staff." "No, no, no, no, no." "I don't want to appear rude, but there's no point in meeting them since they're not going to remain here." "But, madam, I am surprised that you should ignore the domestic absurdity of bringing 100 girls here." "There are feeding problems, servant problems..." "There's no problem there, sir." "They're leaving." "Left,right." "Left,right." "Left ..." "Oh, good egg!" "Here's comes our croc!" "And there goes OURS." "Three years it's taken me to get a good kitchen staff." "What am I to do?" "That's childishly simple." "You forget you have a girls' school with you." "Forget(!" ")" "It will provide an absolutely superb opportunity for my advanced cookery girls to show their paces." "No, madam, not that." "Not that!" "That's more than flesh and blood can stand." "I'll go through purgatory with you, but hell - no!" "Hell, no!" "I owe you a dollar." "Thanks." "We're in for a whale of a time." "Morris dancing in the gym, eurhythmics on the lawn..." "Queues for the bathroom, no smoking anywhere, ...and compulsory cocoa at 11." "I'm for a couple of voluntary pints at the Coach and Horses before the little beasts arrive." "Any takers?" "I'll gladly stand anyone a pint if they'll care to join me." "I'm a lifelong teetotaller, but I'm almost inclined to accept Brown's invitation." "I'm GOING to." "Is this right?" "Yes, it's right." "Press on." "Straight ahead." "Let me..." "This has cost me five bob." "Yes, cheap at the price." "Good afternoon." "Good afternoon." "Oh." "Oh, I'm sorry." "That's quite all right." "Allow me." "Thank you." "I'm Richard Tassell." "I teach English here." "So do I, but..." "We'll have something in common!" "I'm Victor Hyde-Brown, sports master here." "Won't you sit down, Miss...?" "Harper. ..." "Harper." "The rot's setting in." "Cigarette?" "Thank you." "I never expected anything like this." "How many mistresses have you?" "Well, I, er..." "DOOR OPENS" "I must talk to you, gentlemen." "We're in an unprecedented predicament." "Miss Harper" " Mr Pond." "How do you do?" "How do you do?" "Your colleagues are in the first door on the right." "May I leave my things here?" "Yes, of course." "Who is he?" "I'll explain later." "Hyde-Brown, will you please close that door?" "Thank you." "Now, gentlemen, we are faced with an appalling dilemma." "We have a wooden horse in our midst." "Possession is nine points of the law." "Our girls are in the hall, their boys haven't arrived." "Come in, Miss Harper." "Did you pass a long, bald-headed person?" "You mean Pond?" "He's in the common room." "Excellent." "We'll find out where their dormitories are and take our girls there." "Ladies, you're facing your supreme test." "Remember our netball cry." "Effort, St Swithin's, effort!" "Quite so, Miss Gossage." "If trespassers threaten your property, you build fences." "Hmm?" "I propose we lock the dormitories." "Hear, hear!" "But we must act before that female spawns her young all over the building." "Billings, take the fourth-form dormitory, and Hyde-Brown, the fifth." "And Matthews and Joue, the third and the sixth." "Have you got a key to the common room, sir?" "We don't have to lock this room, Billings?" "No, and we can't UNLOCK it unless you've got a key." "Is this a practical joke?" "The key's on the outside." "This is the last straw." "Come along now." "Hurry up!" "We've got plenty to do." "Stand by, Tennyson, Longfellow." "Miss Armstrong, as quick as you can." "No time to lose." "The honour of Nutbourne is at stake." "All right." "I'll have a go, ...but it's not much use unlocking the stable door after the horses have got there first." "What's happening up there?" "Hey, look out, sir!" "Gosh, it's old Whizzo!" "Hey, Whizzo!" "That's it, Hyde-Brown." "That's it." "Press on." "BOYS CHEER AND WHISTLE" "That's it." "You're almost there." "You're doing splendidly, Hyde-Brown." "BOYS CHEER AND WHISTLE" "Don't look down!" "Carry on. ..." "Go in at once, you boys." "Go straight upstairs to your dormitories and stay there till I call you." "Any boy left hanging about will get 500 lines." "Now, then, one leap and you've done it." "Now, Tennyson and Longfellow, settle down as quickly as you can." "I'll have their trunks sent up in a few minutes." "Very well." "Not in here, Miss Gossage." "Follow me, Milton and Browning." "Quick as you can." "No dawdling." "I say, Talbot, there's girls in our dormitory." "Girls?" "!" "Where?" "!" "Hundreds of them." "They're everywhere." "Have you gone potty?" "What are you talking about?" "Go and see for yourself." "They're all over the place." "He's right." "There are." "That's what I've been trying to tell them." "Let's see." "This way, Milton and Browning." "Come along, girls." "Come along." "I realise it's not quite what you're accustomed to." "GIRL SCREAMS" "What's that?" "There's trouble already." "It's something in Tennyson." "Let's go and see at once." "Oh!" "SCREAMING" "You must stop!" "You must stop!" "You must..." "MISS WHITCHURCH WHISTLES" "Aren't you going to stop them, sir?" "There are times, I think, when little boys should be seen but not interrupted." "Come." "COCK CROWS" "BELL RINGS" "BELL CONTINUES" "Where am I?" "The French master's bed." "SNORING" "BELL RINGS LOUDLY" "BELL CONTINUES TO RING" "Madam, I..." "Really, this is too much." "I give up my bedroom to you, only to find my clothes flung all over the place." "Look, madam, where are my shirts and underwear?" "In the filing cabinet." "It's no use telephoning the Ministry." "There won't be anybody there before ten o'clock." "It's rough and ready, Jezzard, but it'll serve." "Yes." "Thank you." "There we are." "Now we'd better see how they're faring in the kitchen." "Breakfast is at eight sharp, so don't loiter." "DOOR SLAMS" "Good morning, girls." "Morning, Miss Whitchurch." "Everything shipshape and Bristol fashion?" "Yes, Miss Whitchurch." "The fishcakes are ready, but there's a hold-up with the porridge." "Why?" "I had to throw one lot away." "Oh, that'll never do." "Now, Angela, you've made porridge before." "Yes, but no-one had to eat it." "That's a defeatist attitude, my dear." "Stir it well and don't shilly-shally." "Now, now, now, Mary!" "You know better than to make tea in that haphazard fashion." "How many people are you making it for?" "233." "Then put in 233 teaspoonsful and one..." "well, perhaps two for the pot." "One... two..." "I understand your fishcakes are ready, Alice." "For the past 20 minutes." "I don't want any temperament, my dear." "What did you put in them?" "Or shouldn't I ask?" "Anyway, they smell delicious." "They've gone hard." "Never mind." "I don't suppose hungry little tummies will notice that." "They will afterwards." "28... 29... 130..." "These little adventures break the monotony of school life." "I love monotony." "Oh." "Morning, Mr Pond." "Oh." "I'll just have tea and toast today." "It's five past eight." "There's been a slight hiatus with the porridge." "Shall we move in?" "What form of grace do you say here?" "Well, I usually ask that we should be grateful for what we're about to receive." "Please, sir, I don't want any more." "No, sir." "Oh, very well." "It's still Arkwright, but he's trying to put me on to a Mr Tripp." "Apparently Mr Bullock got the papers from Mr Forrester." "He passed them on to Mr Arkwright who passed them on to Mr Tripp." "We've got to sit here while they keep on passing around..." "The girls must write home, Miss Gossage." "Rely on their discretion." "The younger girls are the trouble, Miss Whitchurch." "Monica Redfern wrote, "Dear Mummy, I'm having an exciting time." ""We've been sent to a boys' school by mistake." That's a statement of fact." ""Everybody's having lots of fun." ""The mistresses are sharing the masters' rooms." Ah, yes." "I see what you mean." "Well, we must institute a system of censorship at once." "Yes, Miss Whitchurch." "I advise you to take similar steps, Mr Pond." "We have a bond of trust here at Nutbourne, ...the boys and I, which is never abused." "Yes, Billings?" "I caught young Sutton posting this." "There's nothing against the boys sending parcels home." "What is it?" "A fishcake." "And Sutton's father is an analytical chemist." "There's a note inside which reads, "Dear Dad, our breakfast." ""Get weaving." "Reg."" "THUD" "Well, I suppose we all have black sheep." "Want me to skim through the rest of the flock?" "Yes." "I suggest you get together with this lady." "Hello, is that Mr Tripp?" "Mr Tripp!" "It is?" "Good..." "Mr Tripp?" "Mr Pond." "I take it Mr Arkwright has told you what Mr Bullock told him I told Mr Forrester?" "Yes, I'm acquainted with the facts." "I just can't think how it occurred." "...I wouldn't like to promise that." "It'll take a little while." "You're not an approved school, by any chance?" "I'll do everything I can to expedite matters." "Good morning." "FANFARE" "Will these little blighters never stop writing home?" "I can't pass one in ten of these." "No, nor can I." "Still, you know, I do think it's been heaps of fun working together." "It has, hasn't it?" "Not my idea of fun, Miss Gossage." "Call me Sausage." ""That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet..."" "Thank you, Betty." "Does anyone know the Good Night passage?" "I do, Miss Harper." "Very well, Barbara." "Where shall I start, Miss Harper?" "From "Well, do not swear."" ""Well, do not swear, although I..." KNOCK ON DOOR" "Oh, do you think I might borrow another duster, Miss Harper?" "I mislaid the last one." "That's the fifth in three days." "As many as that?" "The children will begin to misconstrue your intentions." "Misconstrue?" "One or two seem to be doing so already." "Barbara, don't stand staring, carry on." ""I have no joy of this contract tonight..." "It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden..." "Too like the lightning which doth cease to be..."" ""E'er one can say, 'It lightens' Sweet, good night..." "This bud of love..." "By summer's ripening breath..." "May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." "Good night, good night!" DOOR OPENS" "Make it good morning and return to your class, Mr Tassell." "Well, I..." "I haven't got a class, Miss Whitchurch." "Then don't interrupt ours." "I made it perfectly plain on the noticeboard that there was to be no interschool poodle-faking." "And while I..." "LAUGHTER" "Well, really!" "The starboard engine had gone for a burton, ...and there was I upside down with nothing on the clock." "So I just pressed on." "You must have had a gorgeously exciting time of it." "Oh!" "I'd simply have adored to see you in your uniform." "Well, I looked much the same as the rest of the bunch." "I say, you girls are bang-on for 17." "Mr Brown, what are you doing with my seniors?" "I was just showing them the petunias." "Jolly good display this year." "A bit past their best, of course." "Will you leave us this minute?" "I was only giving them a few hints, facts of nature, nothing else." "You girls get back to your indoor botany at once." "I know it's slightly distracting to have to work in the hall, but we must try and profit through adversity." "We'll choose a phrase at random, and let us see if we can analyse it." "Morning, boys." "Morning, miss Whitchurch." "We'll take a phrase..." "Please, Mr Pond, ...ask your masters not to consort with my staff and girls." "And I think it advisable to alter the curriculum to cut out the biology classes." "Let us analyse that excellent phrase of John Knox's," ""The first blast of the trumpet against the monstrous regiment of women."" "That's enough." "The verb in this case is understood." "Like..." "Like some other things." "So we may take it that the sentence runs," ""This IS the first blast of the trumpet."" "et cetera, et cetera." "This - the subject." "Is - the verb." "Everyone paying attention?" "BOYS:" "Yes, sir." "Very well." "Talbot!" "Sir." "Take 100 lines." "Yes, sir." "How are we to deal with the rest of the...?" "What about the object?" "Good morning." "Good morning." "Can any boy tell me what is the object..." "I have called on behalf of Miss Winston... ...in this particular case?" "Whose bed is that and where are you taking it?" "It belonged to the late cook, sir." "Miss W says Miss J's to have it." "We'll see about that." "Take it to my study at once." "I'm sure Mr Pond will listen to reason if I can speak to him." "He's teaching, I tell you." "You don't seem to realise..." "What is the object?" "Up your end, Edwin." "What is the object...?" "Mr Pond..." "What's the use?" "I might as well try to teach in Waterloo station." "There's a lady at the door, sir, wanting to know if you'll vote for miss Winston in the election." "Mrs Hampstead, tell your lady that if there is a male candidate, whether he's Conservative, socialist, communist or anarchist, ...or, for that matter, Liberal, ...he will have my vote." " That's what I thought, sir." "There is NO object in this at all, so let us take the word "trumpet"." "It's no use hanging back like that, Margaret." "It'll only be the worse for you." "What do you propose we ought to do with "trumpet"?" "Margaret, you mustn't think just because you're in a school like this ...that you can behave as you please." "I repeat - ...what do you propose we ought to do with "trumpet"?" "Talbot, another hundred lines." "CRASH" "Higher, I said higher!" "Oh!" "You wait here." "Now, report to Miss Armstrong at once." "CRASH" "All right, let us leave "trumpet" and think of "blast"." "Blast, somebody!" "BLAST, ANYBODY!" "As a young man," "I studied yogi for a brief period." "It has enabled me to bear with fortitude this situation which otherwise I could never have endured." "Poppycock!" "Please let me finish." "But yogi or no yogi, ...I am determined not to allow the situation to deteriorate further, ...if that were possible." "Good afternoon, Mr Tripp." "Mr Tripp, since you have apparently done nothing to rectify this state of affairs here, ...I intend to visit the Ministry this afternoon to see Mr Forrester." "I'm not in the least concerned about an appointment." "If Mr Forrester will not see me, I'll speak to my MP." "He's probably playing golf." "Matthews, will you ask Rainbow to get me a taxi, please?" "Can I have a word, Miss Whitchurch?" "What is it, Miss Jezzard?" "This porter." "He refuses to take orders from me." "I just want to know where I stand." "Every time I ask him to do anything, he says he's too busy." "She says I'm to take the brake to the station, and Mr Hyde-Brown says I'm to mark out the 2nd XV pitch." "Now which is it to be?" "Will you tell him or shall I?" "Very well, sir, it's all I want to know." "Just a moment, Rainbow." "I shall consider these requests entirely on their merits." "That's right, haver about." "Why has the brake to go to the station?" "To meet parents off the 3 o'clock train." "Whose parents?" "Ours." "Ours?" "Ridiculous." "You invited them yourself." "Mr and Mrs Parry, Mrs Jones, and Mr and Mrs Ibbertson." "They were nervous about what sort of school this was, so you said they could come down and see for themselves." "Why didn't you remind me?" "We must stop it at once." "Stopping the 3 o'clock will be too much even for you." "It's out of the question having the parents here with this man and his rabble around." "It had occurred to me..." "Nothing ever occurs to you or they wouldn't be coming." "When they see we're sharing a boys' school, they'll withdraw their children." "Before we know where we are, we shall have no school left." "That will solve the problem." "This is no time for prep school repartee." "Thinking caps." "Thinking caps." "I have it!" "You must remove your boys for the afternoon." "Remove my boys?" "From my own school?" "!" "Mr Pond, for the past six days, we have been living together with a fair measure of harmony..." "Harmony?" "!" "With your shrieking progeny everywhere!" "I'm completely unmoved by your plight, madam." "I don't give a fig." "Mr Matthews, Miss Jezzard, would you be good enough to wait outside?" "And take the porter with you." "There is talk in the common room that you are seeking an appointment as headmaster of Harlingham." "What has that got to do with removing my boys?" "I thought you might like to know that I'm acquainted with one of the governors of that school." "Oh, madam, I should not consider a recommendation from you an advantage." "I wasn't thinking of a recommendation." "You were trying to coerce me with threats, madam?" "The law takes a serious view of that." "Have you the temerity to suggest that I'm trying to blackmail you?" "!" "I shall merely make a factual report." "I see." "There appear to be no depths to which you are not prepared to sink." "If you have nothing to add but idle abuse, shall we recall Miss Jezzard and Mr Matthews and lay our plans?" "Run!" "Run!" "What on earth's going on with the goalposts?" "The school's got to beat it to the swimming baths." "What?" "Some of the girls' parents are visiting." "There's to be no sign that the shadow of man has crossed here." "How long's this to last?" "Matinee performance only." "Oh, look, there they are." "Group dancing." "Yeah." "Two guineas extra." "We know." "Mrs Ibbertson is wearing that white hat she wore in the summer." "This is no time for tittle-tattle." "How do you do, Mrs Ibbertson?" "So nice to see you." "Miss Jezzard." "...How do you do, Mrs Jones?" "A delightful spot." "Yes." "...How do you do, Mr Parry?" "How do you do?" "Tea will be laid in the study." "A gracious old hall, don't you think?" "Yes." "Still it must be trying to share a school." "We are getting on nicely considering." "A certain amount of hugger-mugger, of course." "Is there any difference in class with the other school?" "Not so much of class as of outlook." "I think I'll show you the dining hall first." "I hope you don't let the girls mix too much." "Not if I can help it." "This dining hall is a gem in its way." "Of course, it's rather a squeeze when they're all here." "But we stagger most of the meals." ""Guard thine honour"?" "The Nutbourne school motto." "In my young day, such things were taken for granted." "Well, the place goes back to Henry VIII." "They tell me this part of the building used to be a barn before they rebuilt it." "Well... what about pottering upstairs?" "I'm sure a cup of tea would be welcome." "It would indeed." "And then to the fray like giants refreshed." "Off we go." "I understand Henry built it for Anne Boleyn, ...but she was beheaded before she could move in." "Such an unlucky woman, don't you think?" "Shall we see the other school?" "They've gone on an all-day ramble." "I wish you could have seen us working in tandem." "No, that's the common room." "What a snug retreat!" "Yes, it is rather nice." "A bit on the small side for our two staffs, but it serves." "Looks out onto the grounds." "May I?" "Of course." "Oh!" "There's nothing much to see, I'm afraid." "Quite an attractive view." "Yes, isn't it?" "They tell me you can see the sea on a clear day." "(Stand with your back to the bookcase.)" "Nutbourne must be a rather unusual school." "Surely they're not in favour of blood sports?" "Oh, I gather that was a present from somebody's aunt." "Just a minute. ..." "Excuse me." "It's that stupid village newsagent." "I ordered The Lady, and he sent Men Only." "Shall we be getting along to my study now?" "What on earth are these doing here?" "!" "Well, this is Janet Hackett, who won the 220 yards breaststroke in 1946." "And this is Evelyn Forbes, who won the 100 yards freestyle in 1947." "And... this is Frieda Harris, our champion Morris dancer caught in mid-action." "I think that's all." "Telegram for Mr Pond." "I thought it might be important." "Better open it." "I'm second master." "If anyone's going to open it..." "Oh, shut up." "I say, this is the absolute penultimate." "The governors of Harlingham are coming here today." "But..." "Here." "He did say they were coming." "But he couldn't have known when." "He'll never be headmaster of Harlingham now." "You don't need a crystal to tell you that." "He will remain here then." "For life." "You realise what that means?" "What are we to do?" "We must put the school back and get Pond back." "What time is his train?" "3.15. 10 minutes." "Get rid of the girls, I'll go to the station." "There's Pond." "Good afternoon, Mr Pond." "I thought you might not have received our telegram." "Dr Collet wanted it to be a surprise visit, but I told him that would not be fair." "Just didn't want anything specially laid on." "I wanted to see the school in normal conditions." "So would I." "Yes, so would I." "So you shall." "Well, well, well, how do you do, gentlemen?" "Welcome to Nutbourne." "Just that your telegram scarcely left me enough time to make the necessary arrangements for your...reception." "Will you excuse me one moment while I see what's happened to the taxi?" "Thank heavens you're still here." "Gentlemen. (Mr Billings, keep your wits about you and smile.)" "Gentlemen, this is Mr Billings, my maths master." "He very thoughtfully brought the school brake along." "...Thank you." "That's all right, sir." "It was not our intention to disrupt the school work." "On the contrary." "I can't imagine Mr Billings has left the boys without problems to solve." "That so, Billings?" "Yes, sir." "I imagine they'll take a while to clear them up." "Yes." "No doubt." "Well, there's no hurry." "We want to catch the last train back, Mr Pond." "Beautiful country round here, isn't it?" "Yes, but as I said, we want to catch the last train back." "You can do that but there's plenty of time to spare." "I do love this part of the country." "Delightful." "Which...way are you going, Billings?" "Through Fairhurst and Upper Dudley and Lower Dudley and Braxton." "The short way." "That's right, Billings, the short way." "I ask no more for youth than space and air and freedom from distraction." "I'm glad to hear that, Miss Whitchurch." "Cynthia has reached the difficult age." "Angela's just the same." "I'm sure Miss Whitchurch grasps the dangers of adolescence." "Firmly, in both hands, if I may say so." "TELEPHONE RINGS Shall I answer it?" "Please do." "With all the discoveries of modern science these days, it is possible to...to...climb to its topmost branches..." "What?" "A Mr Hartley of the Ministry." "Tell him we'll ring him back in an hour." "I wonder if you'd mind if we rang back." "You see..." "I beg your pardon?" "Just wondering how we're settling down, I expect." "Now, let me see...where were we?" "Uh..." "Oh, yes!" "It is possible to climb to its topmost branches and select the fruit where we will." "Are you sure you can't?" "Oh, dear." "I said we'd ring him back." "He's going out." "He wants to know if we're still in trouble." "I haven't the remotest idea what he's talking about." "We're perfectly happy." "No, we're all right, thank you very much." "Good afternoon." "Where was I?" "Up the tree." "Oh, yes!" "Well, I do think it's a jolly rotten show." "Not a word of explanation..." "We'll explain later." "Well, it's not fair." "Now look...!" "Where are you going with our goalposts?" "Honestly!" "I thought you said the school was a mere five minutes from the station." "In terms of jet propulsion(!" ") It said Nutbourne down there." "We've a first-class rugger team at Harlingham." "What shape's yours in?" "It varies." "Very pleasant outlook here." "Uninterrupted too, the estate agents say." "Mr Tassell, I'm all for team spirit and I don't want to rock the boat, but I can't keep my girls cooped up here all afternoon." "Well, just hold on a minute." "Ah, Matthews." "This is Mr Matthews, my most able second-in-command." "Mr Angus McNally, Dr Collet..." "How do you do, sir?" "...and Reverend James Rich." "Well, gentlemen, shall we go inside?" "Here we are." "This is the oldest part of the school." "It goes back to Henry VIII." "Anyone in the dining hall?" "No, sir." "Well, Billings, perhaps you'll show it to these gentlemen." "Matthews and I will see about refreshment." "After you, gentlemen." "What happened?" "I'm sorry, sir." "We did what we could in the time." "We got the girls out the playing field." "Where are the rest of them?" "Still here, I'm afraid." "Miss Whitchurch is having tea with the parents in her study." "HER study?" "YOUR study, sir." "She won't be for long." "There's simply no holding Byron at lacrosse this term, so Tennyson and Shelley are going to stop the rot." "When you've finished your tea, we'll see how the battle is faring." "The sun's very gay this afternoon." "Another cup of tea, Mr Ibbertson?" "Miss Whitchurch, I must speak to you at once." "Oh, Doctor, if it's about that little protuberance on Cecilia Watson's neck, I'll see you in the common room." "If you don't mind, Doctor." "Excuse me, won't you?" "I hardly think buns and protuberances mix." "How dare you burst in there, jeopardising my position in that reckless fashion?" "I don't care what you have to say." "Do I have to remind you about the governors of Harlingham?" "No." "They are in the dining hall, here to see the school." "They've shut Shelley, Tennyson and Byron in the pav." "Shut your other brats with them," "I'm bringing my boys back from the swimming pool at once." "Quiet." "My parents will hear you." "Your parents can go and..." "Mr Pond!" "I don't want the whole building involved in the brouhaha." "We'll thrash this out in the common room." "1931 was a vintage year, as you see." "Three scholarships to Oxford, two to Cambridge." "Before Pond, I imagine." "It's no use brandishing governors." "One look at what's going on, and my chances of Harlingham are ruined." "I'll have to establish myself as a victim of circumstances." "Ramsden, tell Mr Matthews to have the boys brought back from the swimming pool at once." "So that's where they are." "My mind is made up on one thing, Miss Whitchurch." "If I sink, you sink with me." "Don't act as if next week will do, man!" "Wait!" "Why should we sink, Mr Pond?" "If we keep our wits, we can still come through with flying colours." "Let us examine this problem calmly." "Miss Whitchurch, the governors are in the dining hall." "And my parents are in the study." "Both parties wish to tour the school." "Very well, so they shall." "But never the twain shall meet." "What will happen when the governors meet a swarm on girls?" "They mustn't." "The governors must only see boys, the parents girls." "We'll have two conducted tours going clockwise or anticlockwise, as the case may be." "It's no use being lily-livered." "If one party leaves five minutes after the other, ...we'll have time to interchange classes." "It'll have to be a miracle of timing." "If both parties follow the same course." "If you want my opinion, the whole thing's imposs." "We don't want your opinion." "Thank you, Miss Gossage." "Every single boy and girl would have to co-operate." "Yes." "That would mean Doris, Cynthia and Pamela deceiving their parents." "A half holiday will cure that." "Where's your child psychology?" "That's not the school spirit." "Don't talk to mr." "Pond like that, Gossage." "Thank you, miss Whitchurch." "Kindly leave these arrangements to us." "What exactly do you envisage, miss Whitchurch?" "Well, if I take my parents to see the school museum, ...while you bring your governors to tea in the study, ...that will give us time to set the stage." "Yes." "Now, let us swiftly plot the itinerary." "Please, allow me." "Thank you, Mr Pond." "Now, this must be very exactly timed." "Shall we first synchronise our watches?" "Excellent." "I'm not a complaining man, Maude, but take these rugby posts." "It's an annual job that I don't look forward to, ...but today we've had 'em up, taken 'em down and had 'em up again!" "Now you've to take them down again." "Tea for four in the study, Mrs Hampstead." "I think everyone's gone absolutely batty." "The governors of Harlingham have arrived." "What?" "But..." "Don't argue, get the boys back to school." "BLOWS WHISTLE" "We'll just have a quick cup, then start on our travels." "Priscilla Johnson was romping in a haystack when that Bastard Purple alighted on her." "She had him in the killing bottle in a flash." "Here they come, girls." "Onto the field again." "Buck up!" "Hurrah!" "Well, I think that exhausts the butterflies." "Shall we start out tour of the classrooms?" "It's always been my view that too much..." "WHISTLE BLOWS Is that a rugby game?" "No." "Short blast." "Too much concentration on examinations makes boys sluggish." "Good afternoon, girls." "You may sit down." "Good afternoon, Miss Harper." "Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch." "This is the sixth form." "They're taking French history." "It'll be Louis XIII." "There's Angela." "Could we have a word with Angela?" "If you wish." "Angela Parry, you may fall out." "Hello, Mumsy." "Hello, Pop." "Hello, Angela." "It's good to see you." "Your parents want to know how you like the school, ...but don't commit yourself unless you've made up your mind." "Oh, I have." "I think it's an absolute scorcher!" "I never dreamt..." "How's your history progressing, Angela?" "She's always been weak on dates." "Not this term, Pop." "What are you up to at the moment, Angela?" "Oh, nothing, Mumsy." "If they've been telling you about Archie Brown..." "Archie..." "Archibald Brown, in case you didn't know, ...was the man who held the torch for Guy Fawkes." "I've been running them over the "backroom boys" of history." "Get back to your class now, Angela." "Say goodbye to your parents." "Bye, Mumsy." "Bye, Pop." "Goodbye, dear." "Goodbye, Angela." "That's right." "Come along, everybody." "Such a charming child." "A great favourite with the other girls." "A pity she's leaving this term." "Oh, to the right now, Mrs Ibbertson." "OK." "All clear." "Away with the first party." "Right, move one pace forward." "March." "Now, at the double." "Surely they'll find out about this." " Ours is not to reason why." "If they do, we'll have to find fresh posts tomorrow." "We'll have to apply for a job at a progressive school where the kids throw inkpots!" "It'll be a rest after this." "That must be the start of the game." "No, no, no, no, three, three short blasts for that." "Well now, gentlemen, if you're finished with your tea, ...perhaps we can start on our little circumambulation." "Now we're going to see the miming class." "They're doing the death of Charles I." "The one with the crown is the king." "Couldn't we go in and watch?" "Well, perhaps for a few minutes." "But no talking." "It's an iron rule with the miming class." "Good afternoon, boys." "Good afternoon, Mr Tassell." "Sit down, boys." "Gentlemen, they're taking English." "Carry on, Mr Tassell." "As I was saying, a mixed metaphor is an expression in which two or three metaphors are confused." "Could the boys give an example?" "I'd like to see what they know." "Certainly." "Metcalf, would you give us an example of a mixed metaphor?" "Playing with fire." "Skating on thin ice." "And if anything happens to upset the applecart, ...someone is going to lose his bread and butter." "Very good, Metcalf." "Sit down." "They seem quite bright." "Yes." "That satisfies me." "Shall we move on?" "Gentlemen, wouldn't you like to hear a little onomatopoeia?" "They're good at onomatopoeia." "What did you say your name was?" "Metcalf, sir." "Metcalf." "To your right, gentlemen, to your right." "Down, girls, away you go." "Come along, Jennifer, no loitering." "The school curriculum, I'll explain it quite briefly." "We don't want to know about the curriculum." "We want a picture of the way the school is running." "Who on earth was that?" "Little Lucy, the housekeeper's daughter." "The rascal's not allowed upstairs." "I'll have to speak to Mrs Hampstead." "Gentlemen, shall we make history?" "It's a maze of corridors around here." "This way, if you please." "Round the corner." "We'll have to hurry to see the dressmaking class before break." "The middle third are leading the school with their underwear this term." "The upper fifth are taking William of Orange." "We needn't bother with that." "I don't think so." "Not William of Orange?" "I'd rather see the rugger." "So you shall." "We've got to see other things first." "They skipped the upper fifth." "They're catching up." "Run!" "Quite an impressive collection of nether garments, Miss Curtis." "I think we'd better pass on now." "I don't want you to miss the choir's rendering of Nymphs And Shepherds, Come Away." "Thank you, Miss Curtis." "Come along, or we shall be too late." "Edward, please, you simply must look at these etchings." "This particular one..." "Very interesting, I'm sure, ...but hardly what we came to see." "Where do we go from here?" "Oh, let me see." "Yes, I think we might risk a little theoretical physics." "BOYS LAUGH AND GIGGLE" "Quiet, boys, quiet." "Get that stuff out of sight." "We seem to be doing a lot of padding round, don't we?" "Oh, how stupid of me!" "The physics class is first right and first right again." "15 years here and I don't know my own way yet!" "They've gone down the wrong corridor." "Gosh, that's torn it!" "Nymphs And Shepherds should be accompanied by a recorder and a harpsichord." "What is it, dear?" "They've gone the wrong way." "Don't bother me now, Alice." "Unpick it and start again." "She's such a panicky child." "She never manages blackberry stitches." "Oh, we've plenty of cupboard accommodation." "Oh, I should have known they were there." "I'm so sorry." "A mistake at the sports shop." "They sent the wrong sort." "This is indeed circumambulation." "Pack them all in, Helen." "Oh, we're almost there, gentlemen." "Good heavens!" "Who did that?" "That reminds me." "I'm afraid it would." "All in good time, Doctor." "I'll inquire into this later." "Now..." "Good afternoon, boys." "Sit down." "Mr Ramsden." "This is the middle fifth." "They're fairly advanced with their physics, I'm happy to say." "Electronics?" "Well..." "What the devil's this?" "Has the dressmaking class been here?" "Many boys go into the navy." "We had a request from the Admiralty that they should mend their own clothes." "Yes, but this is crepe de Chine underwear." "Huh!" "Lucky to get it!" "Very, very lucky indeed!" "# ..." "In these groves Let's sport and play" "# Let's sport and play Let's sport and play" "# For this is Flora's holiday" "# This is Flora's holiday" "# This is Flora's holiday... # There's Angela again." "Fancy!" "There must have been a quick changeover while we came upstairs." "SINGING CONTINUES" "I'm sorry we couldn't stay longer." "# Your flocks may now Now, now, now" "# Now, now, now Now, now, now" "# Securely rove... #" "I love listening to boy sopranos, don't you?" "Sometimes it's impossible to distinguish them from girls." "BOYS SING IN DEEP VOICES" "# Where have you been all the day Billy boy, Billy boy?" "# Where have you been all the day My Billy boy...?" "#" "I believe in contrast too." "I'm for developing musical appreciation." "We don't want to be bothered by this, Dr Collins." "What?" "No, I suppose not." "I'd rather like to." "No, I thought not." "I'd like you to look into the sick room a moment." "I'm more interested in the fit." "What about the rugger?" "Immediately afterwards." "To the right, then up the stairs." "We haven't had many people in the sick room." "I think the air must agree with them." "It's nice to have the sick room at the top of the house." "So much more air." "We mustn't stop long." "Good afternoon, dears." "Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch." "I mustn't let you pick up germs,QWERTY ...or the doctor will be on my track." "Now the gymnasium." "To your right and downstairs." "DOOR CLOSES" "I hate to be a nuisance, but I'm most anxious to see the lacrosse." "Yes, Mrs Jones, we'll see what we can do." "You'll be delighted with the gym display." "Pleasant little gym, isn't it?" "Why, there's Angela again." "Yes, the child's quite ubiquitous." "Miss Harper." "(It should be rugby now, ...but tell Miss Gossage to lay on lacrosse in five minutes.)" "Very good." "Thank you." "Gossy, you're to get the girls back on the field with lacrosse again." "But they've just started rugger again." "Miss Whitchurch's orders." "All right, girls, back on the field." "Here we are." "Nothing much wrong with the patients, I'm glad to say." "Now for the gym." "Just time for a quick look at the garden, then to the lacrosse, eh, mrs." "Jones?" "Thank you." "Left here." "Come on, girls, out!" "Right, boys, on the mat, quickly!" "Down." "Change round." "I've got a special display laid on for you." "They're coming." "Here..." "This way, gentlemen, ...the boys are very keen." "Good, good." "Very good, Tassell." "Yes, there's nothing like plenty of good, healthy exercise." "Don't you agree, Doctor?" "Where's dr." "Collet?" "Good afternoon." "Could you tell me where I can find Miss Whitchurch?" "I've never heard of her." "Dr. Collet!" "Where's dr." "Collet?" "Dr. Collet!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Mr Pond!" "We're waiting for an explanation, Mr Pond." "Can't you see I'm thinking of one?" "Never mind, I'll show you something." "GIRLS SHOUT Take a look at that." "What on earth?" "!" "We won seven matches last term and hope to do even better this term." "That's bad." "Come on, girls, tackle him low." "Get him down." "Stop it!" "Hold him, hold him!" "Stop it, Gossage." "Stop it." "That's ghastly." "Lacrosse." "La-double-cross." "It's unbelievable." "It's monstrous!" "Excuse me, you're Mr Pond, I believe." "My name is West, regional officer of the Ministry." "I've been instructed to deal with this matter." "Most unfortunate, but I think I've found the solution." "You are a co-educational school, I believe." "Well, I've arranged for another co-education school to replace St Swithin's next Wednesday." "What, another school?" "It looks as if they're ahead of schedule." "Have you the faintest idea what's going on?" "No, dear." "BELLS RING, HOOTERS BLARE" "I have a brother who grows groundnuts in Tanganyika." "He writes that there are splendid opportunities for education among the natives." "Oh, madam, I'm amenable to any suggestion."