" Phoebe." " Yeah?" "Look at that guy by the window." "Wow!" "He's awfully short." "And I think he's talking to himself." "And to be completely honest, he's not that good in bed." "Ugh, what is wrong with me lately?" "It's, like, every guy I see." "Look at that guy, for example." "Normally that's not someone that I would be attracted to." "But right now, with the way I'm feeling all I wanna do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack." "Wait a second!" "This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?" " Yeah." " This is completely normal." "Around the fourth month, your hormones go crazy." " Really?" "So this happened to you?" " Absolutely, yeah." "And keep in mind, I was carrying triplets." "So in medical terms, I was thrice as randy." "Wow, this explains so much." "Last weekend, I went from store to store, sitting on Santas' laps." "Yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Footlocker." " Ugh." " Yeah, ugh." "I go see my doctor tomorrow." "I'll ask her about this." "Maybe she can give me a pill or something." "Yeah, that's what you need." "A good pill." " Hey." " Hey." " Hey." " Hi." "Look, I got our pictures developed." "Oh, great." "Joey, wanna check out pictures of me and Mona ice-skating?" "Oh, uh, ordinarily I would love to, but I am just swamped right now." "Where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?" "Oh, yeah." "Probably at the end." "Oh, my God." "All he took were pictures of my breasts!" "I'm missing picture time?" "You know, she has a face, Ross." " Okay, here's a good one of us." " Wow, that is a good one." "Wow, It looks like a holiday card with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow." "Heh." "Every year I say I'll send cards and I never do it." "Do you wanna send this one out together?" "Together?" "Like, to people?" "Yeah, "Happy Holidays, from Mona and Ross." lt'll be cute." "Okay?" "Heh." "Uh, okay." " Oh, I gotta get to work." "Call me later?" " Sure." " Bye, guys." "PHOEBE:" "Bye." " Bye." " Yeah." "Congratulations!" "You just got married!" "I know." "Can you believe that?" "I'm sorry." "What's the big deal about a holiday card?" "Married couples send out cards." "Families send out cards." "People who've been dating a few months do not send out cards." "Is she crazy?" "Hey, hey, hey." "That's your wife you're talking about." " Bing!" "Ho, and the Bingette!" " Ah, heh." " Honey, you remember my boss, Doug." " Yes." "Hi." "So, good news, the divorce is final." "I signed the papers this a.m." "I didn't know you were getting a divorce." "I'm sorry." "Heh, sorry?" "Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap." " Hey!" "Congratulations to you guys." " Heh." "No leg-chewing for us." "Well, give it time." "So!" "The divorce, the marriage, we got a lot to celebrate." "How about we go out to dinner tomorrow night?" "I can't think of anything we're doing." "Why can't I think of anything we're doing?" "Tomorrow night it is." "I should be out of court by 6." "They keep throwing sexual harassment cases at me and I keep knocking them out of the park!" "Ha-ha-ha." "Okay, see you tomorrow." "Just so you know, we're not seeing him tomorrow." "I cannot spend another evening with that man." "Remember how he behaved at our wedding?" " No." " Because he wasn't invited." "Because of the way he behaved at our engagement party." "Oh, yeah." "Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture, doesn't it?" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" " Hi!" " Hey." "Hey, I went by the photo shop." "Take a look." "Here is a mockup of our card." "What do you think?" "[CHUCKLING]" "Huh." "Wow, this is great." "Now, do you think it should say, "Love, Ross and Mona"?" "Well, we haven't said that to each other yet but I guess it's okay to say it to other people." " How many did you want?" "I'm getting 100." " A hundred?" "Ha-ha-ha." "Well, I, uh, guess I'll take, uh..." "Mona?" "Uh, I don't..." "I'm not sure about the whole, uh, card thing." "Really?" "Why not?" "Sending out a holiday card together?" "I just don't know if we're really quite there yet." "I didn't think of it that way." "You're right." "You're right." "[LAUGHS]" "[SIGHS]" " So can I ask you a question?" " Yeah." " Where are we?" " Huh?" "You know, where are we?" "Where is this relationship going?" "Hmm." "I mean, I love spending time with you." "I hope we're moving forward." "We should talk about that, don't you think?" "Let's do the card!" " What?" " The card!" "I think we're there." "Okay, but I still think we should have this conversation." "Really?" "I mean, even with the card?" "[KNOCKING ON DOOR]" " Hi." " Hi." "Just so you know, Dr. Long can't be here today." "She was called to the hospital." "So Dr. Schiff will be seeing you." "Okay." "Can I ask you a question?" "Was it me, or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute?" "Heh." "You know who I'm talking about?" "Bowl haircut, hairy fingers?" " Hi, Rachel." "I'm Dr. Schiff." " Yes, you are." "So how's it going?" "Oh, it's really good." "But enough about me!" "Come on." "Heh." "Where are you from?" "What do you do?" " I'm a doctor." " Right." "I meant you know, in your spare time." "Do you cook?" "Ski?" "Or hang out with your wife or girlfriend?" "Uh, I don't have a wife or girlfriend, but I do ski." "I love to ski!" "How amazing is this?" " Are you experiencing any discomfort?" " No, I'm very comfortable." " Any painful gas?" " No!" "Ew, Dr. Schiff!" "What kind of question is that?" "Okay, then." "Would you like to lie down on the table?" "Would you like me to lie down on the table?" " Sorry, is there something going on here?" " Do you feel it too?" " Hi." " Oh, hey." "So how did your doctor's appointment go?" " Well, let's see." "Uh, they gave me "cute boy" doctor today." "In the middle of the exam I put my pinkie in his chin dimple." " Oh, my God!" " Why did you do that?" "Okay, remember that problem I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy?" "Oh, yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase." "Oh, man." "You were so hard up, you practically came on to me." "You wish!" "Hey, I could've had you if I wanted you." "Oh, yeah?" "Come and get it." "Okay, even this is turning me on." " Hey." " Oh, hey." "Hey, Ross." "How's it going with you and Mona?" "You guys still together?" "Oh, yeah, we're moving forward." "You'll be getting our card." "You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?" "We're not just doing a card." "She also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going." "Ugh, women." "I know!" "Why do you guys need to have this conversation, huh?" "No self-respecting man would ask a woman, "So where is this going?"" "Uh, Ross, you asked me that." "Hey, you were a closed book, okay?" "I'm not a mind reader!" "Besides, I hate those conversations." "I'm horrible at them, really." "Maybe I need some kind of a gesture." "Something that says we're moving forward without having to talk about it." " Like asking her to move in with you?" " Wha...?" "Ha." "Smaller than that." " Making her a mix tape?" " Uh, bigger than that." " Give her a key to your apartment." " Whoa, hello." "We were closer with the tape." "Have you said "I love you"?" "Say, "I love you."" "I don't..." "I don't think I'm quite there yet." "But, oh, I could say, "I love spending time with you."" " No, we hate that." " That is a slap in the face." "Oh, forget it." "You know what?" "I'll just have the conversation." "I'll just say, "I like things the way they are," and hope for the best." "What do you think, Rach?" "I think if it was a little colder in here I could see your nipples through that sweater." "Bing, we're all set for tonight. 8:00." "Oh, uh, as it turns out, we can't do it." "Monica has to work." "Oh." "My ex-wife didn't work." "Unless you call turning into her mother "work."" "Now, fine." "Tomorrow night, then." "Oh, uh, well, tomorrow's no good for her, either." "Oh?" "Why not?" "It's the semifinals of her bocce ball tournament." " Ahem." " What's going on, Bing?" "Does, uh, your wife have a problem with me, or something?" "Well now you're just talking crazy." "Then why can't the three of us go out together?" "Because, uh, we split up." "Monica and I split up." "Hold me." "Good God, Bing." "Well, I can't say I'm altogether surprised." "I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there." "And the way she looked at me, pure lust." "What would help me through this tough time is choking someone." "Can I choke you?" "Bing, my boy, we're gonna get you over this." "Here's the plan:" "Grab your coat, we're going to a strip club!" "Oh, no, Monica would freak." "But to hell with that bitch!" "Here we go." "Ah, Mona, um I think it's time we had a conversation about where things are with us." "Yeah, I think I suggested that." "Heh." "Uh, we are so..." "So, um well, I really like you." "And I love, um, you know, hanging out with you." "And I'm having a lot of fun." "Okay." "I mean, there's no point in spending time with someone if it's just fun." " It's gotta be going somewhere, right?" " Ha, ha." "So where is it going?" "Ah." "That's the real question." "And the answer is it's going somewhere fun." "I know what you're thinking." "Fun was fine for you 10 years ago." " Ha-ha-ha." " But you're not getting any younger." "No, I mean, not you." "Not you." "You are getting younger!" "[BOTH LAUGH]" "You look like you're getting younger by the second." "What's your secret?" "I'm sorry, so, uh, where are we?" "Well, to sum up:" "We're having fun." "You look young." " Okay..." " But that's not enough." "[CHUCKLES]" "So, heh, so here's a key to my apartment." " Really?" " Really." " You don't think this is too fast?" " Mm-mm." "You gave her a key to your apartment?" "Not just a key, I gave her the only key!" "I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship." " Oh, Ross, how'd the conversation go?" " Great." "I live on the street." "Where?" " Hey!" "RACHEL:" "Hi." "Okay, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend Roger." " Hi, Roger." "RACHEL:" "Hi, Roger." " Hi." " So, um, I'm gonna get us some drinks." " Okay." " Could you help me?" "Yeah, okay." "Um, he's here to have sex with you." " What?" " You're welcome." "Phoebe, no!" "It's okay." "He's a virgin." "Rachel, um, I was talking to this guy and I think he'll have sex with you." " Okay..." " Yeah, okay." "Let's leave these two alone." " Aah!" "No." "I don't care what my hormones are doing." "I'm not gonna just do it with some random guy." "Fine." "Then you tell Roger." "He was really looking forward to this." "[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]" "Ooh, Bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together." "Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls, huh?" "That's all right, sir." "And that's just one girl." "Bing, what's this?" "It's a hand." "It's a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder." "No, it's a wedding ring." "You gotta get rid of it." "We're gonna go to the East River and throw it in!" " Oh, no, no, no!" " Yeah, yeah!" "I did, and I felt a hell of a lot better!" "If you whip it right, you might hit a seagull in the head." "Okay." "Oh, I'm gonna need a bunch of extra keys." "Apparently, I give them away for no reason at all." "Hey, Ross, what's going on?" "You changing the lock?" "No, heh." "That guy is." "I don't understand." "You give me a key to your apartment and then change the lock?" " Uh..." " Good luck, buddy." "Um, I thought we were moving forward." "And now you're sending me all these mixed signals." "What are you trying to tell me?" "I'm trying to tell you I made you a mix tape." " What?" " I love you." "Oh!" "Aww!" "Heh, oh." "And I love spending time with you." " Hi, honey, I'm home." " From the tequila factory?" "It was awful." "To get out of dinner with Doug, I told him you and I split up." "So he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars." "And when I wouldn't give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird." "Come here." "I can breathe through my mouth." "Know what the worst part was?" "I got to see what my life would be like without you." "It was like It's a Wonderful Life with lap dances." "Please promise me that you'll never leave me that we'll grow old together, and be with each other the rest of our lives." "I promise." "Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?" "Ooh, I don't know if we're there yet." "Yes, I'd like to order a pizza." "Can I ask you a question?" "Is the cute blond guy delivering tonight?" "Very "Abercrombie  Fitch."" " I'll call you back." " Who was that?" " Just the pizza place." " You hung up on the pizza place?" "I don't hang up on your friends." " Sorry, I'm just having a rough day." " Oh." "What's wrong?" " Oh, you really don't wanna hear about it." " Then why did I ask?" "Okay." "It's just that this is really embarrassing." "But lately with this pregnancy thing I'm just finding myself..." "How do I put this?" "Um..." "Erotically charged." "Is that college talk for "horny"?" "Yeah." "So, you know, I have all of these feelings and I don't know what to do about them." "Because I can't date like a normal person." "Which is fine, I don't need a relationship." "All I really want is one great night." "Just sex." "You know?" "No strings attached." "No relationship." "Just with someone I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing." "For just one great night." "I mean, is that really so hard to find?" "So how was your day?" "Good." "I, uh, saw a pretty big pigeon." "I gotta get up early, and it's almost 7:00." "Yeah, I gotta go to my room too." "RACHEL:" "Okay, good night." " Good night!" " I can't do it!" " I didn't ask you to!" " You're Rachel!" " You're Joey!" " You're my friend!" "Yeah." " Right back at you." "Plus, it would be wrong, and weird and bad!" "So bad!" "I don't know what you're talking about." "I didn't ask you to do anything." "I know!" " You wanna do it?" " No!" " Me neither, I'm just testing you!" " That's the end of this conversation!" " This conversation never happened." " Never happened." " Good night." " Good night!" "Get back in there!" "Hi." "Listen, ahem, I'm sorry about that whole thing with Roger." "It really wasn't right, and I wanna make it up to you." "So, um, I brought you something that I think you'll really enjoy." "Okay." "Now this is just a loan, okay?" "I'm gonna want him back." "So..." "I'm gonna go now." "I'm sorry, I thought I could do it, and I can't." "[English" " US" " SDH]"