"Yo, signing up for singles and mingles was a bumping idea... but, you know, these dating services sure cost a Iot of bones." "Hey, who you telling?" "To pay for it I had to do double duty down at the restaurant." "And I thought it was tough being a pirate." "It ain't nothing compared to being a salad wench." "well, I'm done filling out my application." "Maybe I should put my scent on it, huh?" "Hey, I think not." "Let's see. "Occupation:" "Waiter." ""Income: $3.50 an hour."" "Ty, you're not gonna get a date... you're gonna get a hot meal and a box of free clothes." "You gotta write the things that would appeal to the kind of woman you want." "So what's your occupation?" "Oh, well, I'm a biblical scholar, a nuclear physicist... and a doctor who saves the lives of orphaned children." "Wow, man." "well, what kind of woman you looking for?" "Someone with really, really big breasts." "I am so full." "We have got to stop with these lunches." "I will never eat again." "So where are we going to lunch tomorrow?" "I'm sorry, HiI, but I can't." "I've got to study for my med school entrance exam." "Oh, right." "well, great." "When your looks go, they'II still respect you." "So, Cindy, where do you want to do lunch tomorrow?" "Sorry, HiI, I have an interview with an IBM recruiter." "well, God." "Everyone's got something to do but me." "Maybe I should get a job." "Look, I'm telling you man, it'd be cool." "I'm not...." "No one's gonna believe you're a nuclear physicist." "You have trouble working the pumps on your shoes." "Let me check in with my fan club." "So, I got a little question for you all." "Do you all see me more as a biblical scholar or a nuclear physicist?" "I see you as an extra from Hook." "You better watch it before I make you walk the plank." "If I'm gonna find a dress for my interview, we better get going." "I can't." "Do you believe my parents have called some family meeting?" "I mean, do I Iook like a HuxtabIe?" "Great, you're all together." "will, we've got something to say to you." "We want to congratulate you for setting such a fine example for the other kids." "Is this some kind of sick joke?" "No, baby, not at all." "We are very proud of the way you've managed to balance... your school work and your part-time job." "Is this some kind of sick joke?" "These bills are no joke." "You kids could stand to Iearn a thing or two from will." "Are we, Iike, in the twilight Zone?" "When does everyone put on the pig masks?" "carlton, $90 for a pair of socks?" "That's ridiculous." "It certainly is!" "Honey, that's $9." "ashley, how could you manage to charge... $80 worth of trinkets on our account at the drug store?" "That's 80 cents." "Sweetie, do you think you need to get your eyes checked?" "Don't be ridiculous, Vivian." "This has been going on for months." "If you move the TV any closer to the bed I'II be sleeping with Jay Leno." "I can see just fine." "They're just making the print smaller than they used to." "Now, this looks like $300 for a pair of shoes, what's it say?" "$300 dollars for shoes." "Point being?" "Kids we'd Iike to talk to hilary alone." "Yes, sir." "I think I'II slide out and simonize my halo." "hilary, when you quit college we made an agreement... that you would pay your own way." "hilary, most of these bills are yours." "You spend more on clothes than most small countries spend on grain." "You're gonna have to find yourself a job, young lady... and you're gonna have to keep it for longer than one day." "Okay, you're right." "I haven't lived up to my end of the bargain and I feel terrible, I really do." "Okay, I'm making a New Year's resolution to find a job." "Right after Easter." "Vivian, I can't take this anymore." "hilary, at your age I shouldn't have to do this." "No, Daddy, no!" "This is going to hurt me much more than it hurts you." "I want you to reach into that purse and give me your credit cards." "Now, young lady!" "Yes, hi, I'm Dr. Smith." "Sorry I'm late, I had to slide down to the nuclear facility and split an atom." "I give up." "I can't get a job." "I can't even pound the pavement right." "I guess your interview didn't go too good, huh?" "It's just not fair." "I want my employer to want me for me, not for what I've accomplished." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah, HiI, I do and it scares the hell out of me." "Tomorrow's just gonna be more of the same." "I'm interviewing at a catering company, but I'II never get the job." "Because it's a cold, cold world, will." "And unfortunately these people only want one thing." "What?" "Your body?" "No, my résumé." "Let me look at it." "AII right here we go." "well, first things first." "If you're gonna want people to take you seriously... you're gonna have to stop dotting your I's with these little hearts." "And you're applying for a position at a catering company?" "Yes, but I don't know anything about catering." "well, girl, what are you, tripping?" "How many catered affairs have you been to?" "I don't know, 4 maybe 500." "Okay, there we go." "6,000 hours of catering experience." "Didn't you spend, Iike, three summers in Paris?" "Yes." "I gained 10 pounds eating croissants." "Studied pastry making with the French masters." "will, I am no good in the kitchen." "I mean, the Iast time I tried to make breakfast..." "I burned the entire stove to a crisp." "Expert in the art of fIambé." "Hey." "Hi, will." "philip, you really should get your eyes checked." "I'II make an appointment to see the eye doctor tomorrow." "Tyriq, will's upstairs, I'II go get him." "That's okay, ashley, I'II get him." "Yo, will!" "It's Ty!" "You're sure he heard you?" "You know, that's a good point." "You got a broom?" "I mean, I couId go bang on the ceiling." "Why you got my shirt on, man?" "Hey, wait." "What you talking about, your shirt?" "You said you weren't gonna buy it." "I said I wouldn't buy it if I were you." "I got the shoulders for it." "That shirt looks good on anyone." "AII the guys in the eighth grade have one." "I'm gonna take mine back, man." "Yeah, all right, well, me, too." "You know, I better return mine before my scent overpowers it." "I think you guys are spending too much time together." "How'd the interview go?" "You are looking at the new catering director for delectable Eats." "I am singIe-handedIy overseeing a bar mitzvah for 200 people this Saturday." "I'm so happy for you." "congratulations, baby." "Mom, Dad, this time I think I've really found my niche... and I owe it all to you." "This is so exciting." "Why don't you help me fix dinner?" "please." "You can't afford me." "You said you was gonna take yours back." "Come on, now, man, look." "I deserve to keep the shirt because I was in eighth grade the longest." "Come on, this definitely ain't gonna do nothing... for the misconception that all brothers look alike." "Right, wait." "What are we doing here, anyway?" "I thought you said we were going to the Bar Mista?" "It's "bar mitzvah," dunce cap." "The Bar Mista is a go-go joint on Sunset." "Oh, thanks guys." "could you get the rest of the stuff out of the car?" "Yeah, we'II grab that, but I told you we gotta get out of here." "We get to meet who we got matched up with today." "I don't want to miss out on a lovely young lady... who thinks I'm Arsenio's younger brother, Vesuvia." "Barb, hi." "So, what do you think?" "HiI, hi, everything looks wonderful." "You are a gem." "Now remember, the serving crew should wear the new aprons I bought." "By the way, where is the serving crew?" "Serving crew?" "By that you mean, the crew that serves?" "Are they in the party room?" "By that you mean, the room where the party is?" "Now the serving crew... is not in the party room at this point in time, Barb... because you see, they're right here." "Hi, serving crew." "What a great idea, hilary, I Iove the matching shirts." "My son in eighth grade has one." "well, I must dash, see you this evening." "Ciao." "Thanks guys, you saved me." "Do you think you could stay and help serve?" "Do I Iook like hazel?" "Look, hilary, I told you, we have something to do, we can't stay." "Okay." "If I lose this job, I guess I can always sell my hair." "That's cool." "Just make sure uncle phil pays you top dollar for it." "hilary, I told you from the beginning... that we were gonna have to go, now don't try to pull this." "What kind of monster are you?" "AII right, look, HiI..." "look, me and Ty got to meet our dates... but we'II go home and we'II get the others to help you." "Okay, but don't tell Mom and Dad, I don't want them to think I'm messing up." "AII right, look, that's fine, we won't, but the others, good as here." "Forget it, will." "I'd rather share a seesaw with delta Burke." "You know how hard it is for me to say no?" "No." "Easier than I thought." "Neat." "I don't believe you two." "hilary is your sister." "Look, if it weren't for her, man, you...." "Every time you've been in a jam, she...." "Hey, she's always the first one...." "hilary's your sister." "What a tangled web we weave." "First you lied on your dating application... then you lied on hilary's résumé." "A lie always comes back to haunt you." "Sort of like that heat rash on your neck... that you've been passing off in gym class as a hickey?" "Enough said." "See, look, it won't be that bad, man." "How hard can it be to serve a couple of 13-year-oId boys?" "13-year-oId boys?" "Count me in." "After all, hilary's my sister." "AII right, thanks, now I just gotta try to get G to come." "You know how tight he is with his days off." "Hey, G!" "Big, big party, man." "plenty of honeys." "No." "well, G's probably right." "How much fun could you have with chumpies named Di, Fergie, and elizabeth?" "I mean, you know." "He's lying." "It's clearly a lie." "It's a blatant, boId-faced lie!" "I'II hate myself in the morning." "What's the point of a bar mitzvah, anyway?" "It's when a Jewish boy becomes a man." "In front of all these people?" "Where is the princess?" "Here I am." "Geoffrey, you have saved my Iife, as usual." "Thank you so much for helping me on your day off." "Miss hilary, it will be my pleasure to help you in your hour of need." "As for you, there is a special place for you in homeboy hell." "well, HiI, it looks like you all set." "Me and Ty are about to break out." "I need you." "No." "Okay, no." "It's not gonna work this time." "But you're the one who said that I couId do this job." "hilary, listen, I told you all day we had to go." "AII right, look, just stop it now, okay?" "Stop it!" "Ty, look, she really needs our help, man, she's in a jam." "Can we help her out?" "AII right." "Okay, but, you know, not for long because this is my one chance... to date a woman who doesn't wear all her gold in her mouth." "Just 20 minutes." "We'II be out of here in 20 minutes." "Great!" "Okay, servers..." "let's go out and show those partygoers the best darn time they've ever had!" "Say it once, say it loud, we've got brie and we're proud!" "We've got brie and we're proud, hilary." "What is wrong with you, child?" "They're out there." "well, hilary, other than the pork thing, they're pretty much just like us." "I'm talking about Cindy and Krista." "If my friends see me serving food, I'II be the laughingstock of BeI-Air!" "hilary, don't be ridiculous." "carlton's the laughingstock of BeI-Air." "Besides, you're the caterer." "You can't hide in the kitchen all night!" "You're right." "They might come in here." "What are you...." "hilary!" "You know, ever since you got a job I've been working my butt off!" "blacks and Jews have a Iot in common." "Cherished heritage, a strong sense of community... frizzy hair." "Oh, look, a Donna Karan suit right in the middle of the kitchen floor!" "What color?" "You gotta come out and see that." "Sorry, will, it won't work." "Look, G, she won't listen to me, man." "I give up." "I think it's time you came out of the closet!" "Let me." "Sonny, what you do in the privacy of the bedroom is nobody's business but yours." "Just be true to yourself!" "He'II come around." "That's it." "If you don't come out, I'm coming in." "Miss hilary, will you please be sensible?" "My friends are out there, Geoffrey." "One of them is going to go to medical school... the other one landed a job with IBM... if they see me out there serving, they're gonna think I'm a big fat zero." "What matters is what you think about yourself." "Maybe in Des Moines." "This is L.A., okay?" "Besides, I lied to get this job... and now I can't do it." "I quit." "Miss hilary?" "Remember when you were 9, you begged your parents to buy you a violin." "But five minutes into your first lesson, what did you do?" "I quit." "I had to, it irritated my chin." "And what about ballet?" "I quit." "I had to, I was starting to get feet like Fred FIintstone." "And cheerleading?" "Okay, I quit that, too." "But they wanted me to go to away games on a bus!" "Miss hilary, you can't go through life quitting everything." "You'II never achieve anything unless you stick with something... and you should stick with this... because you've done a truly remarkable job on this party." "Can't remember when I've seen you this happy." "Yeah, but, Geoffrey, what difference does it make?" "I mean, do you really see Cindy saying:" ""Wow, you've just got to meet my friend, hilary Banks." ""She can sculpt cauliflower into a bust of Barbra Streisand! "" "There's nothing demeaning about serving others, young lady." "I'm very good at my job and in that I take great pride." "I'm not as strong as you are, Geoffrey." "Oh, no?" "well, I had a hand in raising you, Miss hilary... and if I do say so myself..." "Geoffrey don't raise no fools." "Now if you love this job as much as I think you do... go out there, pick up a tray... and enter that room as if you were the Queen of england." "But she's so dowdy." "Can I be Princess caroline instead?" "Get busy, Princess." "That's it, hilary." "I am sick and tired of your attitude." "Okay?" "Now you get your spoiled butt up out of this closet... and you go out there and you strut your puffs!" "I'm a bad boy, ain't I?" "She's in a jam, man." "Can we help her out?" "Okay, man, but, you know, not for long this is my one time... to date a woman who doesn't wear all her gold in her mouth." "And you're all, I...." "But you're the one who said that I couId do this job." "Look, hilary, come on." "The...." "That was so articulate!" "english"