"( ringing )" "Hello?" "Oh, hi, 99." "I'm at the rear entrance to the toy company." "I have a feeling that the tip we got that this is a KAOS information drop is a phony." " Anything on your end?" " No, Max, not a thing." "Wait a minute, 99." "Someone's coming." "It's all right." "It's just a kid." "( sniffing )" "Hold it, 99." "Something's wrong." "All right, I'll take that football, sonny." "How did you know I wasn't a little boy?" "Really quite simple-- training, observation and a fact that very few little boys can afford to smoke 50¢ cigars." "I got to break that habit." "The football." "Well, unless I miss my guess, this football should be the key to your whole operation." "I think we'll just take a little trip down to headquarters." "There's a few questions I'd like to ask you." "That won't be necessary, Mr. Smart." "I have the answer right here." "Drop the gun, please." "And the shoe." "All right, you may turn around." "I prefer killing a man face to face." "Don't shoot him!" "Just before I gave him the football," "I activated the destruct valve." "It could go off any second!" "And if it hits the ground, it'll explode immediately!" "Max?" " Oh no!" " Max, I was coming to check on you, and this football fell right into my hands." "99, the football is a bomb!" " ( gasps ) Oh, no!" " Oh, yes!" "( theme music playing )" "Hold it!" "Come on, let's get out of here." "That thing is liable to go off any minute!" "No, Max." "When I caught the football, I heard it ticking." "It was a simple timing mechanism, so I defused it with my bobby pin." "Put on a pretty good act, didn't I?" "You certainly did, 99, but you have to admit that my act of pretending to be frightened wasn't bad either." "99:" "Max, you've been examining that football for 20 minutes and you still haven't figured out how KAOS used it to transmit messages." "Now why don't you let Dr. Bascomb examine it?" "After all, he is the head of our crime lab." "Just a moment, Dr. Bascomb." "I think I've found it." "There's a KAOS coding device concealed in the bladder of this football, right?" " Wrong." " Wrong." "Max, nowadays footballs are not made with bladders." "You see, 99?" "Nowadays footballs are not made with bladders." "In that case, it's obviously concealed in the pigskin." " Right?" " Wrong." "Wrong." "It's definitely not concealed in the pigskin." "Max, may I?" "Very well, Dr. Bascomb, but you're wasting your time." "You'll find that outside of the bomb mechanism, this is just an ordinary football." "You're right, it is." "The coding device is right here in the laces." "That's brilliant, Dr. Bascomb." "Absolutely brilliant!" " Oh, it was nothing." " I agree with Dr. Bascomb." " What do you mean by that, Max?" " It was nothing." "After all, Dr. Bascomb is a scientific genius." "Give him an ordinary brain like mine and he would've been stumped too." "You can't connect me to that football." "Even if it is microwire, you'll never be able to prove I had anything to do with it." "You're wrong, Mr. Tudbury." "That little man in the football suit was a known KAOS agent, and we have a witness to prove it." "A witness?" "Gee, that's great, 99." "Who is it?" " It's you, Max." " Oh, of course." "That's right." "Well, Tudbury, when I testify in court, you're going away for a long long time." "In the meantime, you'll be kept right here in custody until the trial." "I see." "If I am in custody, I'm entitled to one phone call, am I not?" "Yes, you are." "That's the law." "( dials phone )" "Hello." "This is Tudbury." "CONTROL has me in custody." "Now this is an order." "Get Smart!" "Destroy him!" "Kill him!" "Murder him!" " He's calling KAOS." " He must not live to testify!" " Ooh!" " Larrabee, get in here right away." "Yes, sir?" "Larabee, we'd better take him out and turn him over to security." "Right, Dr. Bascomb." "99, did you hear what Tudbury said?" "I'm in a lot of danger." "Don't worry, Max." "Here's what we're going to do." "Now, listen carefully." "We've got to keep you out of sight for two weeks, until after the Tudbury trial." "We'll pretend to keep you here in CONTROL headquarters." "Actually, we'll take you on a helicopter to Hideout B, which is the penthouse suite in the Warfield Hotel." "Then we take you down an express elevator to Hideout C, which is the basement suite in the Warfield Hotel." "Then we'll take you out the back way, up the fire escape to Hideout D, which is a shack on top of the Warfield Hotel." " Have you got that?" " Not all of it, 99." " What part didn't you get?" " The part after, "Listen carefully."" "Don't worry, Max." "I'll take you there myself." "Believe me, KAOS will never, never know where you are." "I wouldn't be too sure of that, 99." "How could they possibly know?" "I forgot to hang up the telephone." "They're still on the other end." "So long, fellas." "Max, with the devices I've installed, your apartment is the safest possible place." "Bascomb, I don't like it." "I just don't like the idea of being cooped up in here all the time." "But, Max, your life is at stake." "KAOS will stop at nothing to kill you." "It's only two weeks until the trial." "That's great." "I was supposed to play bongos at a love-in this Sunday." " Oh, Max." " Oh, all right." "Now let me show you how everything works." "First we have the Cube of Safety." "Once inside, you'll be completely protected from any possible destructive force." "( whirring )" "Now if you'll all just step inside here for your own protection," "I'll show you my second device." "( whirring )" "There." "Are you all right, Smart?" "Yes, Bascomb, but from now on," "I think we should be on a first-name basis." "The entire living room is crisscrossed with a network of laser beams." "With this control knob, I can disintegrate anything within the room." "Watch the left side of that wall." "As a demonstration, I'll just turn this knob slightly." "Thanks a lot, Doc." "You've just destroyed my first pair of baby shoes and my 1965 Spy of the Year award." "Now remember, Max, this is for your own safety." "What about his bedroom, Doctor?" "How's that protected?" "Simple." "Follow me." "Now, Smart, you just press this button, and anyone trying to walk up those stairs leading to the bedroom will be completely disintegrated." "The beams also can be activated by a similar button inside the bedroom." "Now just a minute, Bascomb." "Supposing I get up in the middle of the night and I have to go... wash out a pair of socks or something." "I come down those stairs and pftt!" "I'm disintegrated." " ( knock at door )" " Woman:" "Mr. Smart?" "( doorknob jiggles )" "Mr. Smart, I demand an explanation." "Just a minute, Mrs. Macklin." "I'd like you to meet two colleagues of mine who work with me at the greeting card company." "This is Miss Primrose, who takes care of our Easter greetings, and this is Mr. Pepperfeathers, who's in charge of births and bereavements." "What is it you wanted to talk about, Mrs. Macklin?" "Mr. Smart, I demand an explanation." "All day today there were people running all over the building-- up on the roof and down in the basement." "And it all seems to have something to do with your apartment." "What's going on here?" "Uh, yes." "Well, I guess congratulations are in order." "You see, Mrs. Macklin, I've just been wired for the Nielsen ratings." "I represent the entire East-Coast- middle-income- bachelor group." "I'm warning you, Mr. Smart," "I won't stand for any more nonsense!" "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go and change your linen." " Max, the laser beam!" " Oh!" "Why did you do that?" "I just saved your life." "Look at that." "I turned it off when she came in the room." "I'm warning you." "I'm about fed up, and I'm not going to stand for any more trouble." "Do you understand that?" "No more!" "No more!" "No more!" "( footsteps retreat, door slams )" "Poor Mrs. Macklin." "She needs a fella, that's her problem." "But, 99, you can't stay here all night." "Oh, Max, we're in this together." "I want to feel that you're safe." "But you're a girl!" "What if my mother walked in?" "She just got used to seeing me in long pants." "Oh, Max, it's my job." "Just think of me as any other agent, like Fred Brown." "If he were here, it wouldn't embarrass you, would it?" "Okay, 99." "Okay." "I'm not gonna throw you out." "You can stay." "But I'll tell you this much-- I think it's a rotten idea." " Good night, Max." " Good night, Fred." "99:" "Max, be sure to activate your laser protector before you go to bed." "Right, 99." "Would you please hang your jacket somewhere else?" "I can't see you." "Oh, sure." " 99, where are you?" " I'm in the living room." "I'm watching on closed-circuit TV." "Dr. Bascomb hooked it up so I could keep an eye on you at all times." "Uh, well, where's the camera?" "Right in the picture." " Closed-circuit TV, huh?" " Yeah." "I can see everything you do." "Now, just a minute, 99." "That's going a little bit too far." "I mean, you're invading my privacy, to say nothing of my modesty." "Max, I've seen your Adam's apple before." "Besides, Max, it's cute." "This is ridiculous, 99." "There's no need to have to come right into my bedroom and watch everything I do." "The next thing I know, you'll be telling me there's a KAOS agent under my bed." "Did you look, Max?" "Would you believe two KAOS agents?" "99:" "Max, the ray beam!" "Max, it worked just like Dr. Bascomb said it would." "It disintegrated everything!" "99, it's horrible." "I wouldn't waste any sympathy on those agents, Max." " They were gonna kill you." " I wasn't worried about them." "It's just that I rented this apartment... furnished." "And it's gonna be pretty difficult to furnish around this piece of carpet." "Max, what happened?" "What are you doing here?" " Why aren't you in your apartment?" " I was evicted." " Evicted, why?" " I disintegrated my lease." "You took a terrible chance going out in the street." "What if you were seen by KAOS agents?" "I was." "How do you think I got like this?" "They shot at me twice, tried to stab me and run me over with a vegetable truck." " The town's swarming with KAOS agents." " Don't worry, they won't take me alive." "And don't tell me they want me dead." "They want you dead, Max." "I asked you not to tell me that." "Max, we've got to find a safe place for you to stay." "Dr. Bascomb, you have a little place here in town, haven't you?" "Yes, at the Kimberley Arms." "That's right across from the courthouse." "That's a perfect place for Max to hide." "I'll bet it's equipped with all those special safety devices of yours too." "No, they're much too dangerous." "Even so, no one would think of finding Max there." "I guess you're right, but I'm used to living alone, and having to spend two weeks with him" "It's obvious, Dr. Bascomb, that you don't want me to stay with you." "Please, Dr. Bascomb, it's the only possible place for Max to stay." "All right, Max." "Will you stay with me?" "That's the most halfhearted invitation I've ever had." "Fear tells me I should accept, but pride tells me I should refuse." "I accept." "138..." "( grunts )" "Max, I'm trying to go to sleep." "Would you mind counting to yourself, please?" "Right." "( grunting )" "( grunting continues )" "Oh, that feels good." "Max, would you grunt to yourself?" "I've had a very rough day." "I've got to get some sleep." "Very well." "I'm finished anyway." " I'm ready for bed." " Good." "( singing )" "Max!" "( singing resumes )" "Max, what are you doing?" "I'm fluffing my pillow." "I can't sleep without a fluffed pillow." "( singing )" "Max, why did you do that?" "Because everybody knows that when you elevate your feet, the blood rushes to your brains." "That way you have more intelligent dreams." "All right." "All right." "Just turn off the light." " What?" " Turn off the light." "And sleep in the dark?" "Oh, I couldn't do that." "Why not?" "The gollywoggles might get me." "Oh." "Max, I've had it." "Now, look, make your choice-- either you sleep in here with the light off, or you go in the workroom on the bench." "Okay, but I don't see much future for this relationship." "It's only our first night, and already I'm sleeping in the other room." "( thunder crashes )" "( cries out )" "If there's anything I'm more afraid of than gollywoggles, it's lightning." "Bascomb, try not to break the yolks this time, will you?" "And this toast is terrible." "Don't let it get cold before you butter it." "That coffee tastes terrible!" "It's stale!" "Well, it's supposed to be good reheated." "Not 10 days in a row." "Max, you're not the easiest person in the world to live with." "The least you could do is try to say something nice once in a while." "After all, I do work my fingers to the bone around here." "I'm sorry, Bascomb." "It's just, well, I'm a little upset today." "You know, you didn't come home until 2:00 this morning." "I was working at the lab." "I waited up for you." "I'm sorry, Max." "You shouldn't have done that." " You could've called." " Well, I didn't want to wake you up." "Huh, wake me up" "I was lying there all night, staring at the ceiling." "Max, Max, you've got to get ahold of yourself." "You've been cooped up too long, that's your problem." "Look, it's only three days until the trial." "Then you'll be free to do whatever you want and go wherever you please." "Could we go to a movie?" "Anything, only stop complaining." "You know, every morning it's been the same thing-- complain complain complain." "Now here, eat your eggs." "You broke the yolks again." "( telephone rings )" " Hello." " Max, we're in a courthouse office right across from Dr. Bascomb's apartment." "Now, the trial begins in a half hour." "All you have to do is get across the street." "No problem, 99." "There's a crosswalk there and everything." "Max, KAOS is bound to try to kill you before you reach the courthouse." "This is their last chance." "What do you think you'll need in the way of protection?" "Are you kidding?" "Just to go across the street?" "Those last 90 feet are going to be the most dangerous of your life, Max." "Dr. Bascomb suggests four men and an armored car." "No no, 99." "That's exactly the kind of thing KAOS is expecting." "I'm better off just crossing the street by myself using nothing but my wits." " Are you sure?" " Positive." "He says he wants to get across the street himself using only his wits." "I hate to see him go so unprotected." "( backfires )" "Boy, that was close, Officer." "I almost got killed." "Naturally." "You were jaywalking." "I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." " But they were shooting at me." " That's homicide." "I'm traffic." " Name, please?" " Uh, Maxwell Smart," "Secret Agent 86 of CONTROL." "Oh, trying to use influence, eh?" " Attitude-- uncooperative." " ( bullet ricochets )" " They're trying to kill me." " Probably." "Sign here, please." "Now, you crossed the street illegally." "Now go back and cross legally." " But" " Get going, buddy!" "Hello, cab company?" "I've got a little job for you." "Hello, honey." "Max, we've been watching you try to get across the street." "You can't do it yourself." "You need help." "Well, maybe you're right, 99." "You have any suggestions?" "Dr. Bascomb has a plan." "It's a little bit wild, but it might work." " Okay, shoot, 99." " ( bullet ricochets )" " Was that you?" " No, Max, that was KAOS." "Now here's the deal: you go up to the roof and we'll shoot you a line." "You secure your end and then just slide down the wire into the courthouse." "Oh, just like a ski lift, eh?" "Hey, that's a great idea." "Here he comes, Doctor!" "They've hit him, Doctor!" "They've hit him!" " Max!" " This is horrible." "Horrible!" "Oh, Max!" "( sobbing ) No!" "Max!" "Oh, look what they've done to him!" "Max, speak to me!" "He was one of the bravest agents we've ever had." "He certainly showed us what he was made of." "Yes, Doctor-- rags!" "Rags!" " What?" " Rags!" "He's filled with rags!" "This isn't Max!" "It's a dummy!" "Well, let's not jump to conclusions." "Then that means Max is still across the street, right?" "Wrong." "I told you I'd make it, 99, and I did." "While they were shooting at the dummy," "I just casually walked across the street." "Oh, Max, you did it." "You outsmarted KAOS." "Yes, well, 99, they're really not too bright." "They shot the wrong dummy." "( theme music playing )"