"APPLAUSE AND CHEERING" "hello." "and welcome to QI." "Tonight's show is as eclectic as an eclectic eel anyway." "Let's meet every one of our guests." "Vic Reeves!" "CHEERING" "Clive Anderson!" "CHEERING" "Jeremy Clarkson!" "CHEERING" "And Alan Davies!" "CHEERING every good buzzer deserves fun." "And Vic goes..." "My Everything" by Barry White" "Clive goes... (Everything I Do) I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams" "there just isn't enough vomit in the world!" "Jeremy goes..." "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police" "That's not bad at all!" "And Alan goes..." "Everything's Coming Up Roses" by Ethel Merman" "That's my best-ever buzzer!" "The great Ethel Merman." "Don't forget our "elephant in the room" bonus." "TRUMPETING sing out to earn a trunkful of extra points!" "the first question." "What's this?" "It's gonna be..." "# Everything's... #" "It's gonna be an elephant's DNA." "it isn't!" "If I were to tell you it's Methylenedioxymethamphetamine..." "MDMA." "Ha-hey!" "It's the right answer." "Ecstasy." "Also known as E." ""E" because it's Ecstasy." "I knew that bit!" "You knew?" "Yes!" "Vic?" "I'm under the impression that Ecstasy was invented by the Germans in the Second World War as a truth drug." "I'm going to give you a couple of points." "they..." "They invented it much earlier." "It was the First World War. if you like." "That was its original purpose." "Not a truth drug." "It was to help wounds heal. the period from the 1880s up until the First World War all the time. syringes." "It was all legal and it was all..." "Fortnum and Mason hampers now are just pots of stuff you never eat!" "Exactly!" "just led to the First World War!" "Slaughter of millions." "Didn't do any harm." "and greatest literature." "Indeed." "And Modernism was born." "So it's not all bad." "The First World War was a blemish." "But other than that..." "I thought E was supposed to be given to old people who were depressed." "I thought it was to make music more bearable." "You can only listen to that music when..." "You can only listen to that noise that's playing you can still hear it in your head. you'll get..." "So it's the downer you get after the weekend." "OK." "Very good." "That's why I don't do it." "What are the symptoms of taking E?" "Clive?" "but not..." "I've prosecuted or defended people for it." "It keeps you awake and makes you drink a lot of water until you die. euphoria and well-being." "yeah." "Fabulousness." "Fabulousnessness." "Ecstatic." "Which is to stand outside yourself." "up." "or MDMA." "And so to explosions." "What happens if you get a chicken to look after a nuclear bomb?" "# My everything... #" "Vic." "It could hatch the bomb... thinking that it was a large egg and a member of its family. they invented some kind of nuclear bomb which they were going to plant around Germany and they had to keep chickens to keep it warm somehow..." "You are 100% right." "Exactly right." "Brilliant." "Brilliant. they would bury ten in different areas and by the time the electronics underground were too cold. so someone had the idea of putting chickens in there and just the body heat of the chickens would be just enough" "to keep the electronics working." "CLIVE:" "I think the answer is free-range missiles." "Hey!" "Very good!" "I did a programme about chickens once." "Go on." "I bought quite a lot of them..." "Oh!" "We can talk at length!" "Do you like chickens?" "I've got lots." "we shoot them." "We're not allowed to set the dogs on them any more three is absolutely..." "I'd be in prison forever." "Great Escape." "and they'll savage the lot." "I've got a great idea for you." "what about... what about if you put a mirror at the back of the hut?" "Whoa!" "Your territory." "I'm off!" "That's a thought. have you been there?" "I love that place." "Brilliant." "So I bought these Russian night-vision goggles." "or Israeli..." "Russian." "you're gonna die!" "waiting..." "I'm scanning the garden..." "That's how the British Empire was made!" "on the piss!" "the drawback to a night-vision goggle is you can't attach it to a 12-bore..." "It's about near that tree..." "There he is!" "Exactly! looks exactly like a fox!" ""Boof!" in the bedroom..." "What the BLEEP are you doing?" "I got a fox!" "And the chair was all over the garden." "I'm very shit at keeping chickens." "you might ask a chicken to look after a nuclear bomb to keep it nice and warm and cosy. from E to F and G." "What use is a fainting goat?" "BRYAN ADAMS' BUZZER" "I've seen the TV version of this." "It's a breed or a variety of goat which falls over rather suddenly." "When it's nervous." "I can only think of one use for it." "using animals... you would cast the goat to do that." "It's an immediate and practical use for a fainting goat." "only these are fainting goats." "They're in America." "That's all I know." "that would alert you to danger on the perimeter of your farm." "Perhaps Nazis were rearing up." "Or wolves attacking or something." "Or next-door neighbours." "They're the Tennessee or myotonic goat." "You keep them with a flock of sheep goes stiff as a board and goes over like that." "So the sheep escape and the goat gets eaten." "The goat is less valuable than the sheep." "though!" "It takes one for the team." "It takes the bullet." "So they do faint with fear." "Do they do that as they go down?" "It's Myotonia congenita." "It occurs in several species including humans." "It only lasts about ten seconds." "according to humans that have it." "Apparently the older and more experienced fainting goats lean against things to stop themselves falling over!" "Somebody hold me up!" "It must be quite hard to become an older fainting goat!" "The wolves are generally biting your throat out." "That's is a problem." "But fainting goats protect your flock by swooning and being eaten while the sheep make good their escape." "From escapes to epidemics." "Tell me about the jumping French lumberjacks of Maine." "from Maine?" "They jump in the oddest way." "The fainting goats are odd but this condition is seriously weird." "I did a programme in Oregon." "It was about wood and trees." "I called the people who were chopping trees "lumberjacks." "we never call people lumberjacks." "That's Canadian." "They're called tree-fellers in America." "unless there are four of them!" "I'm doubting whether they're really lumberjacks." "they are French Canadian lumberjacks." "Moosehead Lake is in Maine on the border of Canada." "Is it a condition?" "It's a weird condition." "they jump!" "this is so strange." "It really is odd." "There are two symptoms." "One is that they obey any order that is given unexpectedly." "Punch Jeremy!" "They would do it!" "they just do it." "The other one is a need compulsively to repeat foreign phrases." "for goodness' sake!" "They're entitled to!" "These are lumberjacks?" "It only affects lumberjacks?" "It was noted amongst this community of lumberjacks first." "they passed it on through close families." "But it turns out it's psychological." "No-one's quite sure. he went into the whole field of discovering conditions" "Tourette's Syndrome." "What are the symptoms of Tourette's?" "The first case of Tourette's that I ever came across was in Waterloo pears and whatever costermongers shouted. BLEEP off!" "BLEEP off!" "I'd never heard of it before." "He was just head of British Rail PR!" "APPLAUSE" "Very good!" "It's all kinds of involuntary tics and noises." "You're right. and various utterances - "phonic tics"." "it's associated with saying rude words." "There's Echolalia." "Know what that is?" "It must be repeating things." "Repeating things." "Repeating things." "Repeating things." "People do that." "I've got a friend who does that." "Does that." "It's so annoying! he says his mum does it and it drives him nuts!" "Nuts." "But I've found with him I would deliberately not..." "Not... ..finish a sentence at the moment... he thought I was...going to." "We ended up like a Two Ronnies sketch!" "Is it the same thing if you mouth the words while you're talking?" "where you repeat your own words." "Where you repeat your own words." "Say things twice." "doesn't it?" "Yeah." "it's just..." "Cos then everybody has a label." ""I've got a this." Yes." "I can't be doing with it." "There's a lot of truth in what you say." "It's something to object to." "It is!" "Why can't we just have "things in general" around us?" "I have a bit of a twitch and now you're a copophiliac or whatever." "There are people who really dislike names and labels." "normality." "I've just been told on my little screen here there is a genuine thing called Clarkson's Syndrome." "Ah!" "It involves leaking capillaries." "There you are!" "Jumping Frenchmen of Maine but very few others. what was the first man-made object that was seen by immigrants arriving at New York?" "THE POLICE BUZZER but it wasn't..." "KLAXON SOUNDS" "VIC:" "I think it's Ellis Island." "Not Ellis Island." "There's an island before you get to Liberty Island or Ellis Island." "which was placed there... very famous." "And you've missed your chance because it's Coney Island and it would have been an elephant." "A vast man-made elephant was the first sight that greeted immigrants before... on Coney Island." "We were never gonna get that." "built by a man called Lafferty." "So America knew what they were letting themselves in for." "It was before the Statue of Liberty?" "Two years before." "you'd have seen it first." ""We'll see the Statue of Liberty." "..It looks different close up!" "The Elephant of Liberty." "Doesn't even look female!" "The observation tower is on wrong." "Lafferty was given a patent." "He was the only man allowed to make animal-shaped buildings for 17 years!" "really!" "then he had another one which has lasted and it's the largest elephant in the world." "But it was also a brothel. going to see a lady of easy virtue." "but it was pretty sleazy." "Coney Island is pretty sleazy." "My family went over to America in the 19th century." "What was the first thing they saw?" "That elephant." "My grandmother moved directly in there onto the fourth floor." "and the amount of names you would not believe there." "On that list." "I tried to find my relatives' names and it's impossible." "There are billions of names there." "So I fled. my wife had her hotdog ripped from her lips by a seagull." "She had it in for me for the rest of the day." "I never really understood that." "Like I was commanding the seagull!" "It's a man's job to protect his bitch from seagulls." "The first thing that immigrants saw in America was a giant elephant-shaped brothel which must have seemed promising on so many levels!" "who invented the multiple choice exam?" "Perhaps I can help by giving you a multiple choice." "A..." "Steve?" "Steve." "Do you not like "Steve"?" "please?" "All right." "take away two random wrong answers leaving the right answer and one random wrong answer." "isn't it?" "Yes. they invented everything. let's ask everybody." "Ask the audience." "Shall we..." "Hands up if you think it's A. A show of hands for Greeks." "That's quite a lot." "Show of hands for the American Army." "You're all going out to Iraq." "You've just been conscripted!" "The American Army beat the Ancient Greeks." "And the American Army is the right answer!" "audience." "do you imagine?" "1940s." "They were trying to recruit people for a war..." "The First World War." "They wanted to recruit people quickly and it was a speedy exam." "Absolutely. "Do you like or dislike the Germans?" "Not very much"." ""Are you prepared to shoot people?" "Blow them up?" "All the above?" "One of the genders is better at multiple-choice than the other." "Which would it be?" "Girls better than boys?" "girls are better than boys." "No!" "Boys are better. but..." "We can choose!" "But we can choose!" "APPLAUSE" "I have it on..." "I guess we're just lucky." "..on good authority that we're also shallow and insensitive." "or B) Insensitive." "Chinese driving tests have a written exam in multiple choice format." "Here are some of the questions you might get asked if you apply..." "Hai-tai-a-ho!" "Yes." "but I meant it!" "Drivers should A) Deliberately underestimate each other?" "B) Compete for road supremacy" "C) Learn and help each other adopt one's strong point while overcoming one's weak point and keep safely driving. should you pick them up and push them back in?" "Yes or no?" "Yes." "And other such questions." "And who are the most dangerous cars driven by in the world?" "nationality." "The most dangerous cars are green and driven by the Chinese." "They're called tanks!" "Very good!" "multiple choice examinations were invented as a way of testing US Army recruits in World War I." "that brings us rapidly to the place where everything is not what it seems. what is house dust mostly composed of?" "ETHEL MERMAN BUZZER" "Skin." "KLAXON" "I'm afraid." "It's a myth." "Rust." "Rust?" "! it's rust." "insects..." "A lot of it." "Dust mites." "Bits of smashed badgers..." "KLAXON dust mites." "You didn't really say that..." "I said smashed badgers!" "Clive said dust mites!" "The camera was on Jeremy." "I said nothing." "I said..." "I said..." "You sneak!" "I said dust might be the sort of stuff you find in your house." "what Vic said is pretty true. as well as by season and in response to lifestyles." "whether you open windows. flour and crumbs and good old-fashioned dirt." "then?" "Not one!" "How much of it is skin?" "A small percentage." "Mattress manufacturers like to promote the idea that half the weight of a mattress is made of dead mites and skin and other detritus." "Nonsense." "They make it up?" "Yep." "People trying to sell you things by making up stuff?" "Unbelievable!" "Very little house dust is made of human skin." "It's mostly dirt and grit." "what would you find in the middle of a pearl?" "Yes?" "An oyster!" "No!" "You'd find an oyster in the middle of a pearl?" "!" "I got it the wrong way round." "A..." "Nothing." "A bit of grit." "Sand." "KLAXON not true." "There are strange things about oysters." "abalones and snails as well as oysters." "It's nearly always an organic thing like a nematode worm that's burrowed through the shell and died." "It's around that that the pearl is formed." "do they put in sand? then a piece of tissue from another pearl oyster and it's the flap that covers its organ." "It's organic." "I'm with you." "Its internal bits." "there are fish restaurants in London you can keep it." "What is the largest pearl that's been found in such circumstances?" "The size of the World Cup?" "No." "The moon?" "That big?" "No." "None." "None?" "No-one's found one?" "No edible oyster gives pearls." "It's completely..." "Is it to do with an elephant?" "The kind of oysters you eat never produce pearls." "It's a completely different species." "So they put it there to excite you." "The world's largest pearl was found in what animal?" "I dare say!" "It was a giant clam." "Very good!" "It was a giant clam." "I've seen a giant clam." "Ever put your foot in one?" "No." "I did." "It's the stupidest thing I've ever done." "I wonder what'd happen if you put your foot in that?" "rather comfortable place to be stuck." "Doesn't it start ingesting it and squirting enzymes at your foot?" "I was more worried by the meter saying how much air I had left in the tank." "Shouldn't you have had a buddy?" "It was my wife." "She'd buggered off." "Pearls are normally the sarcophagi of nematode worms." "Pearl divers use glass-bottomed boats to hunt for oyster beds." "How would a glass bottom keep you out of the Army?" "BRYAN ADAMS BUZZER but..." "I do!" "I'm going to answer it!" "It's something about the shilling in the tankard." "Ah!" "The shilling in the tankard!" "What a shame!" "You were thinking that." "You were thinking of that." "Is it fragile arse syndrome?" "the glass-bottomed tankard." "There is a myth that they had glass bottoms to stop people putting the money in..." "If you'd taken the king's shilling you had to be in the navy." "It's just not true." "It's weird." "It's unlikely... just cos there's a shilling there." "Exactly." "Your lawyer's mind has got to the bottom of it." "It's not always that legal arguments would hold sway in the 18th century!" "you would be court-martialled and a signature or mark is required." "Plus there was a four-day cooling-off period." "they had four days to change their mind." "By which time they're in the Bay of Biscay!" "That's a possibility." "you could be forced into service..." "So we haven't got the answer yet?" "there is no basis for it." "It was in order to trap Alan and I'm afraid we did." "Sorry." "It was cheap and wicked." "What's the best colour of clothing to wear in a hot climate?" "Yes?" "Black." "Black?" "Yeah." "KLAXON it will come up that you want something light." "It reflects the light." "So what's the best colour?" "I'm gonna say white and you'll go..." "KLAXON" "It's like being in with a Detective Sergeant!" "ETHEL MERMAN BUZZER" "Silver." "He may be right." "That's quite good." "I'm going silver." "from experiments." "as you say." "They wear black." "They do." "Some people argue that black might be best because it's hottest round the bottom and convection causes cool air to rise." "it doesn't matter what colour you wear as long as you look cool!" "Which brings us to the scores tonight." "Everything's coming up roses for Vic Reeves!" "in the lead." "But everything's coming up an even cheaper brand of chocolates in second place!" "Clive Anderson!" "But everything's going to Hel-ena Bonham-Carter for Jeremy Clarkson on minus 30!" "Jeremy and me and I would go along with Stephen Wright where would you put it?" "Good night." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd" "E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk"