"Everything starts somewhere although many physicists disagree." "There is the the constant desire to find out where." "Where is the point where it all began?" "But much, much later than that, the Discworld was formed drifting onwards through space atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle, the great A'Tuin." "It was some time after its creation when most people forgot that the very oldest stories of the beginning are, sooner or later, about blood." "At least, that's one theory." "The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis." ""Things just happen." "What the hell?"" "And so our story begins in Ankh-Morpork, the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork, the biggest city in Discworld, a city where magic is just another job, and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for Wizards" "looms over all the dark, narrow streets." "Our story begins on a midwinter festival bearing a remarkable similarity to your Christmas." "(oinking)" "And so it was..." "the night before Hogswatch." ""And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy any more."" ""But he got away with it and lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge, which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions."" "And now, it's time for bed." " Susan?" " Yes?" "You know last week when we wrote a letter to the Hogfather?" " Yes?" " Well, will he really come?" "And when's he coming here?" "Does it matter, if you get the presents anyway?" "Yes." "Well, if you don't believe in the Hogfather," " there won't be any presents." " Thought so." "But while children everywhere sleep fitfully in the belief that a jolly fat man is about to deliver their presents not necessarily everyone is entering into the Hogswatch spirit, especially in a city where there is a guild" "for everything." "(clock chimes)" "(faint noise)" "The doors are locked." "The windows are barred." "The dog does not appear to have woken up." "The squeaky floorboards haven't." "I really doubt that you are a ghost, and gods generally do not announce themselves so politely." "You could, of course, be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties." "Besides, I'm feeling quite well." "Hmm..." "Good evening." "(eerie voice) Good evening, Lord Downey." "You appear to be a spectre." "Our nature is not a matter for discussion." "We offer you a commission." "You wish someone inhumed?" "Brought to an end." " Our scale of fees..." " The payment will be $3 million." " No questions asked, I assume." " No questions answered." "But does the suggested fee represent the difficulty involved?" "The client is heavily guarded?" "Not guarded at all, but almost certainly impossible to delete with conventional weapons." "We like to know for whom we are working." "We are sure you do." "We need to know your name, or names, in strict client confidentiality, of course." "You may think of us as..." "the Auditors." "Really?" "What do you audit?" "Everything." "We maintain the logical order of the universe." "I think we need to know a little more than that." "We are the people with $3 million." "We need to know where, when, and, of course, who." "The location is not on any map and we need the task to be completed by sunrise tomorrow." "This is essential." "As for the who, let us call him... the Fat Man." "(Downey) But won't he be out on his rounds?" "Ho, ho, ho!" "(chuckles)" "(echoing in chimney) Ho, ho, ho!" "Is this a joke?" "We have no sense of humour." "There are some that say that this... person does not exist." "He must exist!" "How else could you so readily recognise his picture?" "And many are in correspondence with him." "He would be difficult to find." "You will find persons on any street who can tell you his approximate address." "Yes, of course, but as you say, they can hardly give a map reference." "Even then, how would the..." "Fat Man be inhumed?" "A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?" "You misunderstand the nature of employment." "How do I misunderstand you exactly?" "We pay, you find the ways and means." " How can I contact you?" " We will contact you." "We know where you are." "We know... where everyone is." " Winvoe?" " Yes, sir?" "Is Mr Teatime still in the building?" "(oinking)" " Up, Gouger!" "Up, Rooter!" " (cracks whip)" "Up, Tusker." "Up, Snouter!" "Giddy up!" "(laughs)" "(assistant) Wahey!" "(tapping at window)" "Go away." "I don't do that stuff any more." "(louder tapping)" "(flapping / creaking)" "Yes, Twyla?" "I'm afraid of the monster in the cellar, Susan." " It's going to eat me up." " What, again?" "Ye gods, there's a girl out here with a poker!" "What are you doing?" "Twyla's afraid of the monster in the cellar, Mrs Gaiter." "And you're going to attack it with a poker, eh?" "Yes." " Susan's our governess." " She beats up monsters with a poker?" "Actually, that's a very clever idea." "My daughter gets it into her head there's a monster in the cellar, you go in with a poker and make bashing noises while the child listens," " and everything's alright." " Is that what you're doing, Susan?" "Yes, Mrs Gaiter." "This I've got to watch." "It's not every day you see monsters beaten up by a girl." "(all laugh)" "Come on." " (knock at door)" " Come in, Mr Teatime." "Carter, just put it on the table over there, will you?" "Yes, sir." "I'm sorry, sir." "I'll go and fetch another cup directly, sir." " What?" " For your visitor, sir." "What visitor?" "Oh, for when Mr Tea..." "Mr Teatime?" "It's pronounced..." "Teh-ah-tim-eh, sir." "Everyone gets it wrong, sir." "How did you get in here?" "Easily." "I got mildly... scorched on the last few feet, of course." "The dog seems to like you." "I get on well with... animals, sir." "I have a report here that says that you nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling." "I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir." " Some people would have drugged it." " Oh." "But I definitely fulfilled the contract." "I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed." "Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point." "That was alright, wasn't it, sir?" "It, erm lacked elegance." "I thank you, sir!" "I'm always happy to be corrected." "I shall remember that... next time." "It was about the next time that I wished to talk." "As a matter of interest, how would you go about inhuming this gentleman?" "(thudding / crashing)" "(clattering)" "You don't have to worry." "She always wins." "(approaching footsteps)" "Hah!" "Very well done." "Very p-sychological." "Clever idea, that, bending the poker." "I expect you're not afraid any more, eh, my girl?" "No." "No." "Very p-sychological." "Susan says, "Don't get afraid." "Get angry."" "Oh, well, er, thank you, Susan." "And now, if you'd all like to come back into the parlour..." "I mean, the drawing room..." "Dashed convincing, the way she bent the poker like that!" " Have they all gone, Twyla?" " Yes, Susan." "Good." "(monster moans)" "(monster sobs)" "(monster) Mind the tail!" "(monster groans)" "That's what we do to monsters." "Now it's back to bed for you, my girl." "Difficult, sir." "Certainly." "But I have devoted some... time to it, sir." "You mean you've actually sat down and thought out how to inhume the Hogfather?" "Why, yes, sir." "And the Soul Cake Duck." "And Death, sir." "They're imaginary creatures." "Makes it a challenge." "I suppose I just see things differently from other people." "We may be able to see the complaint of Sir George's estate against you with regard to his dog rather differently, and approve your graduation to full membership of the Guild." "Take the dark, sir?" "Wear black, sir?" "If you agree to undertake..." "this contract." "With due elegance, of course." "With elegance guaranteed, sir." "Er, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh?" "You have... actually applied yourself to a study of ways of killing Death?" "Only as a hobby, sir." "But then some people might say that he is technically immortal." "Everyone has their weak points, sir." "(chatter)" "It's gone six." "He's not coming." " Let's go." " Sit down, will you?" "Assassins are always fashionably late, because of style, right?" "What's this?" "You never said anything about him being an assassin." "It's Teatime." "He's paying top rate." "We can wait for top rate." "Teatime?" "I've heard he's... mental." "And he's got a funny eye." "What I don't understand is..." "how long has this place had waiters?" "Good evening." "Do have another drink while we wait for the other members of our little... troop." "(door creaks)" "Susan, there's a monster under my bed again." "(sighs)" "(spooky growling)" "(protesting snarls)" "Oh!" "Ow!" "Ow!" "That's a wizard." "No, I'm not." "I'm incognito." "Yeah, right." "You're just someone in a pointy hat." "Mr Sideney here is indeed a wizard." "A student, anyway." "This is my brother Banjo." "This is Chickenwire." "I didn't want to come!" "Mr Sideney's down on his luck at the moment." "Hence his willingness to join our little venture." "So what's the job?" "We don't do jobs." "We perform services." "And the service will earn each of you $10,000." "No one said anything about there being magic in this." "Well, I..." "Do the voice on it!" " Do the voice on it!" " No!" " Not the voice!" " Hit it on the head with a poker." " Not the poker!" " This is the friendly warning." "Understand?" "Because it's Hogswatch." "What are you, a witch or something?" "I'm just... something." "Now, you won't be around here again, will you?" "Or we'll put your head under the blanket." "It's got fluffy bunnies on it." "Fluffy bunnies..." "No!" "Go away and stop bothering me." "(monster growls)" "That wasn't as much fun as the one last month, the one when you kicked him in the trousers." "Just go to sleep now." " Locks." " We have a locksmith." " Who?" " Mr Brown." "And you can help me carry this." "It's rather heavy." "What is this?" "This is my brother Banjo." "Does it do tricks?" "No." "He can lift two men up in each hand, by their necks." "Yeah." "(high-pitched giggle)" "He looks like a volcano." "Really?" "Wanna be fashionably late, do you?" "I do so hope we're gonna be friends, Mr Medium Dave." "It really hurts to think I might not be among... friends." "And I suppose we might as well make a start." "(snores)" "Hello!" "My name's Violet, and I have been your tooth fairy for this evening." "(muffled scream)" "(gasps in fright) Here, there ain't nothing valuable, you know." "Nothing valuable, only a few bags of t-t-t-t..." "Teeth?" "I know." "My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh." "What's your name, sir?" " Ernie." "Yes, Ernie." " (giggles)" "Come along, gentlemen." " This is my friend Ernie." " (muffled screams)" "He's gonna be our driver for tonight." "Put her in the back, Banjo." "Mister, I ain't rightly allowed to carry passengers." "Charlie'd give me a right telling off." "Oh, don't you worry about that." "We're all friends here." "(Banjo) Our mam said no hitting girls." "Only bad boys do that, our mam said." " Shut it!" " (muffled screams)" "Ssh!" "Ernie here doesn't want to listen to our troubles." "Wh-Wh-Where to, mister?" "You know the way, Ernie." "Behind the Unseen University." "Where the students of magic are still hard at work on the night before Hogswatch." "It's just a shame we don't have any radiation shielding." "You want radiation shielding, Mr Stibbons?" "Advice from Hex, Bursar." "As the university won't supply us students with a thaumic particle accelerator, we've started to build our own." "Safety first and all that!" "(machine speeds up)" "(explosion)" "(pants) Dean, have you seen the Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic?" "I need some urgent advice!" "Ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies." " Er..." "Hmm..." " Lecturer in Recent Runes?" " Well, you see, it all depends..." " (explosion)" "(all groan)" "(coughs)" "I don't know..." "In my day, when I was an undergraduate," "I wouldn't have been studying on Hogswatch Night." "It's just not natural." "I'd have been sick twice by now." "(coughing)" "Bursar?" " Bursar?" " Hello, Mustrum." " Dean?" "Oh, there you are." " Archchancellor?" "Members of the faculty, I've decided, as a Hogswatch present to myself, to open up the late Archchancellor Weatherwax's old bathroom." "(chuckles) So I don't have to sluice down with you fellas." "It's unhygienic." "You can catch stuff." "(Ernie) 'Ere, I can't take you lot through the wall!" "(Teatime) Listen, Ernie." "Ern." "You will take us through, or, and I say this with very considerable regret," "I'll have to kill you." " If I take you through the wall..." " What's the worst that can happen?" "You'll lose your job." "Whereas if you don't, you'll die." "Really, Mustrum, I think this is most unwise." "It said in the plans there was a bathroom." "You chaps are all acting as if it was some kind of torture chamber." "A bathroom designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson!" "The late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson was the worst inventor in the world, Archchancellor!" "Yes!" "Well, not everything he made had a horribly fateful flaw." "That thing they use in the kitchen for peeling potatoes, for example." "The thing with the brass plate saying "improved manicure device"?" "Well, it's only water." "Even old Johnson can't do much harm with water." "(all mutter apprehensively)" "Go to it, lad." " So?" " Er..." "Well, he just chucks it at the wall there" " and it goes "twing"." " Really?" "May I try?" "Oh!" "Ain't that nice, our Davey?" "Yeah." "And then you just drive forward." "Right." "Quick, mind, cos it only stays open for a little while." "Thank you very much, Ernie, very much indeed." "(grunts)" "Wasn't he dull?" "If he's supposed to be getting rid of the Hogfather, why is he going to the Tooth Fairy's castle?" "The Tooth Fairy?" "Another childish belief." " Exactly." " Very elegant." " It is." " You have to start somewhere." "Once you have their little minds in your grip, it's goodbye, Hogfather." "It's him!" " Could I give you a hand?" " Oh, yeah!" "Oh!" "Here, your fingers aren't half cold, mister." "Sorry." "What did he want to go and do that for, eh?" "I did what he said!" "He could've killed me." "Yes." "I always keep a nip on me these cold nights." " Keeps me spirits up." " Indeed." "How am I gonna explain all this, then, eh?" "Sorry?" "That was very rude of me." "I wasn't paying attention." "What am I gonna tell people?" "Letting some blokes ride off in me cart, neat as you like..." "That's gonna be the sack for sure." "There, at least, I have some good news, Ernest." "And then again, I also have some bad news." "So..." "I'm dead, then." "Correct." "(moans)" "Now, tell me about these blokes who stole your cart and killed you." "Honestly!" "Death gets worse and worse." "He seems to like humans." "So illogical!" "But the beauty of the assassin's plan is that he can't interfere." "But Death can go everywhere." "No." "Not... quite... everywhere." "(muffled shouts)" "(muffled scream)" "(chokes)" "(groans)" "Great job, but you look a right tit wearing these helmets." "Hello." "My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh." "What's yours?" "(footsteps)" "Albert, something is not right." "(squawks) Too right." "(rumbling)" "This is the Mythological Persons room." "How can one of them die?" "Soul Cake Duck." "The Tooth Fairy." "The Hogfather!" "Oh, dear." "Oh, dear, oh, dear!" "(chuckles)" "Albert!" "We may not have much time." "(faint, muffled cries)" "(muffled cries)" "(Violet) Oh, is anybody there?" "(sobbing)" "I don't know what you're expecting me to say, but... (muffled)" "Ssh." "Questions first." "Babble..." "later." "(screams)" "Now, Miss Bottler," "I'd like you to think of me..." "as a friend." " How we doing, Mr Modo?" " Tanks are filled and I've stoked the boilers, Mr Archchancellor, sir." "You did read the sign on that door, Ridcully?" " (all mutter anxiously)" " You mean the sign which said," ""Do not under any circumstances open this door"?" "(all mutter)" "Surely it was sealed up for a reason." "Oh, he only wrote that to keep people out." "That's right." "That's what people do." " Don't say I didn't warn you." " Hygiene!" "That's the ticket." "I still haven't worked out where all the pipes lead." "Oh, we'll find out, don't you fear." "(squeaking)" "Man the pumps, Mr Modo, all two of them, of course, in your case." "(creaking)" "(chuckles in anticipation)" "(all moan nervously)" "She's a tooth fairy, but she's not the Tooth Fairy." " (mutters)" " Ssh." "Teeth..." "What do you expect in the Tooth Fairy's castle?" "It gives me the creeps just thinking about it." "You don't have to think." "You just have to do what I said." " All of 'em?" " Every last one." " Put 'em in a pile." " That's millions." "Mr Brown?" "I want you to unlock every door you can find." "What's this really all about?" "(mutters softly to himself)" "Does he believe in things like the Soul Cake Duck?" "The Sandman?" "The Tooth Fairy?" "Yeah." "Even the Hogfather." "Cos after we're finished here, not even he will." "(whinnying)" "Onwards, Binky, to the Hogfather's Castle of Bones!" "(all grunt gently)" "(drunken giggling)" "The first Hogswatch off in a thousand years, even if I'm going to have the mother of all hangovers in the mor..." "(wails)" "(hogs grunt)" "How can the Hogfather bring presents to everyone at the same time?" "Unless there are lots of Hogfathers." "Look, you've always believed in the Hogfather, yes?" " Yes..." " Well, if you don't believe in him," " he won't come down the chimney." " It's a very small chimney." "And a very small stocking, if you don't go to sleep." "(mouse squeaks)" "(trap snaps)" "(rustling)" "(bloodcurdling scream)" "(mutters)" "Ah, yes." "And, erm..." ""Ho, ho, ho."" "(sings cheerfully)" "Ooh!" "(rumbling)" "(continues singing)" "(cackles)" "(gasps)" "(chuckles)" "There's a tap in there marked Old Faithful... (coughs)" "...which I think perhaps we might leave alone for now." "This is..." "a most peculiar Hogswatch." "Any mustard?" "They're a treat with mustard." "Apple sauce." "(hogs squeal)" "I'm finding the beard a bit of a trial." "Well, at least it's keeping you in the right frame of mind, master." "In character, that sort of thing." "But going down the chimney..." "Where's the sense in that?" "It's gotta be chimbleys, innit, eh?" "A bit like the beard, really." "Would these little buggers write to someone who can walk through walls if they knew?" "Oh, and that reminds me." "The "ho, ho, ho" could do with some more work, if you don't mind me saying so." "Ho, ho, ho?" "No, no, no!" "No, you've got to put a bit more life in it, sir." "Er, no offence intended." "You've got to do a big, fat laugh, sir, you know, like... (enthusiastically) Ho, ho, ho!" "Like that." "See?" "You've got to sound like you're pissing brandy and you're crapping plum pudding, sir, if you'll pardon my Klatchian." "Really?" "How do you know all this?" "Well, I used to be young myself once, sir, surprising as it may seem." "(wind roars)" " These teeth give me the creeps." " Just keep going!" " Why are we piling them all up?" " You don't wanna know." "The quicker the teeth are in a pile, the quicker we're out of here with our money." "No one ever laid a punch on Banjo since our mam died." "Tough but fair, your mam." "I recall that time she strangled Glossy Ron with his own leg." "Yeah." "Maybe the both of us could creep up on him and..." "Yeah!" "I keep thinking about that glass eye watching me." "I keep thinking it can see right in my head!" "Don't worry." "He doesn't know what you're thinking." "How do you know?" "You're still alive." "(faint voices from outside)" "These damned eyeballs are hard, aren't they?" "They're walnuts, not eyeballs." "(caws)" "(caws)" "I don't want you back in my life." "Understand?" " (pecks on glass)" " Don't say you haven't been warned!" "Warned?" "Ah!" "Did you check the list?" "Couldn't really make head nor tail of it, to tell you the truth." "I don't normally care if they've been naughty or nice." "(chuckles)" "I can feel belief in the Hogfather fading." " What's that?" " It looks very bad." "No, no." "It's just where something's been nibbling it." "I mean the situation." "I fear we may be too late." "Oh, well." "Never say die, master." "That's our motto." "I can't say it's ever really been mine." "(hogs squeal)" "(ticking)" "(ticking stops)" "(heavy footsteps)" "(dragging sound)" "(thumping)" " (tap at window)" " You'd better watch out." "Because if the Hogfather still comes to town as result of a magical misjudgement on your part, then, you will no longer be my friend, Mr Sideney." "I... understand, sir." "Do you have a lot of friends," "Mr Sideney?" "Erm... quite a few, actually." "I don't have many." "Don't seem to have the knack." "On the other hand, I don't seem to have any enemies at all." "Well it's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir." "That is... very... simple and will make the pile of teeth..." "very... (Mr Brown) Mr Teatime!" "(Sideney)... dangerous." "(Susan) Grandfather, this is Hogswatch." "It's supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly... and other things..." "ending in "olly"." "It's a time when people are meant to feel good about things, and eat until they explode, a time when they want to see all their... relatives." "I mean, it's a time when humans are really human, and they don't want a... a skeleton at the feast, especially one, I might add, who's wearing a false beard and has got a damn cushion shoved up his robe!" "I mean, why?" "Albert said it would help me get into the spirit of the thing." "(Albert yelps)" "This is a real job, and I was looking forward to a real Hogswatch where normal things happen with normal people in a normal house, and suddenly, the old circus comes to town." "I don't know what's going on, but you can just leave right now." "(Albert splutters)" "(gibbers)" "Oh!" "Albert." "Buggery. (screams)" "Master?" "I'm stuck. (groans)" "The pixie." " (thud) - (Albert coughs)" "Oh, come along in, do." "If the real Hogfather doesn't turn up soon, there's not going to be enough room for him." " Oh... (chuckles)" " He won't be joining us." "So what have you turned up for?" "And if it's for business reasons," "I will add that outfit is in extremely poor taste." "The Hogfather is... unavailable." " At Hogswatch?" " (Death) Yes." "Why?" "He is..." "Let me see." "There isn't an entirely appropriate human word, so, let's settle for... (whispers)" "...gone." "Yes." "He is gone." "How can the Hogfather be gone?" "Isn't he what you are?" "Anth..." "Anthropomorphic personification?" "Yes." "He has become the spirit of Hogswatch." "And while he's gone, you've taken over." "That's sick." "I see the girl writes in green crayon on pink paper with a mouse in the corner." "The mouse is wearing a dress." "She decided to do that so that the Hogfather would think she was sweet, including the deliberate bad spelling." "But why are you doing..." "She says she is five years old." "Seven." "In cynicism, she's about 35." "But why are you doing the..." "But she believes in the Hogfather." "She'd believe in anything if there was a dolly in it for her." "But you're not going to leave without telling me... (burps)" "And what are you doing here, Albert?" "I thought you'd die if you ever came back to the world." "Ah, but we are not in the world." "We are in the special congruent reality created for the Hogfather." "Normal rules have to be suspended." "How else could anyone get around the entire world in one night?" "That's right." "I'm one of the Hogfather's little helpers, me." "It's official." "I've got the little pointy green hat with the bell and everything." "Have you been good, have you?" "(Death) Now we must be going." "Happy Hogswatch." " (no sound)" " And, er..." "Oh, yes." "(flatly) Ho, ho, ho." "(cackles) It's a nice drop of sherry, this." "You've actually been drinking the actual drink little children leave for the actual Hogfather?" "Well, yeah." "Why not?" "He won't be drinking any more, will he?" "Eh?" "(chuckles) Not where he's gone..." "How many have you had, may I ask?" "Hmm?" "Well, I dunno." "I haven't been counting." "One million, eight hundred thousand, seven hundred and six." "And sixty-eight thousand, three hundred and nineteen pork pies." "And one turnip." "Oh, yeah." "Well... it looked pork-pie shaped." "But then, everything does after a while." "Why are you doing this?" "I am sorry, I cannot tell you." "Forget you saw me." "It's not your business." "Not my business?" "How can you say..." "You wanted to be normal." "Good night, granddaughter." "Sleep tight." "I know I shall. (hiccups) Pardon." "(whooshing)" "There are a lot of doors." "I hope this is the one." "This isn't the room we're looking for." "Just teeth in here." "Keep going, Mr Brown." "Ohh!" "(screams)" "Susan will try to find out what this is all about, you know." "Oh, dear." "Especially after you told her not to." "You think so?" "Oh, yes." "(Death) Dear me!" "I still have a lot to learn about humans, don't I?" "Oh, I dunno." "Obviously it would be quite wrong to involve a human in all this." "That is why, you will recall," "I clearly forbade her to take an interest." "Yes, yes, you did." " Besides, it's against the rules." " That's a shame, really, because she likes to break 'em, doesn't she?" "You might think I've already thought of that, but I couldn't possibly comment." "Oh." "And we have much to do." "We have the Hogfather's promises to keep." " Right." " (wind howls)" "Has he done something to the real Hogfather?" "(ticking)" "(ticking stops)" "Binky." "(whinnies)" "Can she be eliminated?" "Oh, yes." "She's mostly human." "Oh, good." "Then, can we go back to just concentrating on running the universe, making sure that gravity works and that atoms spin?" "Yes, when there's not an atom of belief left in the world." "And the Hogfather is just the beginning." "What are you looking for, Mustrum?" "(chuckles) My father always said, when you see a lot of people bathing together, the Verruca Gnome is running around with his little sack." " (both chuckle)" " Modo!" "Any sign of the Verruca Gnome down there, old boy?" "(chuckles)" "(clanging)" "Welcome home, Susan." "You took your time!" "I don't do family reunions." "Sandman." "Soul Cake Duck." "Tooth Fairy." "The Hogfather!" "Grandfather, what have you done?" "This cushion is still uncomfortable." "You're doing well, master." "Soot in the fireplaces, footprints, swigged sherries sleigh tracks all over the roofs." "No, no." "It's got to work." "You think so?" "Oh, yeah." "Oh, here's a little tip, though." ""Ho, ho, ho," will do." "Don't say, "Cower, brief mortals!" (imitates threatening cackle)" "Oh." "Really?" "Hmm." "So many chimneys..." "It would be so much quicker if I lost the cushion." "If we're gonna give Susan enough time to succeed, the little perishers need to believe in you, master." "Er, I mean the Hogfather." "So you've got to look the part, master." "I tell you what'd be really good to boost belief is a public appearance." "Oh, I don't normally do them." "Yeah, but the Hogfather's more of a public figure, master." "I tell you what, one good public appearance would do more good than any amount of letting the kids see you by accident." "Really?" "And I know just the place." "(festive music)" "Thank you very much indeed." "Everything tickety-boo, McPherson?" " Yes, Mr Crumley." " Jolly good." "Let's go... sleigh them." "I don't know if you noticed, Albert, but that was a pune," " or play on words." " Ho, ho, ho, sir." "(hogs squeal)" "Oh!" "(squeals)" "(all squeal ferociously)" "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" "You're frightening the little kiddies!" " Wow, they got tusks!" "Cool!" " That one's doing a wee." "It's the Campaign for Equal Heights that have done this, isn't it?" "They're out to ruin me!" "That's it!" "I don't mind the smell of the oranges and the damp trousers, but I ain't putting up with this!" "And he's not even doing it right!" "What's going on here, then?" "Eh?" "Come on!" "(yelps)" "Who are you?" "You can call me Uncle Heavy." " You're not a pixie." " No, I'm a fairy cobbler, mister!" "Now, just ssh!" "Keep quiet!" "And what do you want for Hogswatch, small human?" "The autobiographies write down everything that happens to you as it happens." "I know." "I used to live here, remember?" "But I can't read this." "The letters are all... odd." "Oh, so I suppose now you'll be wanting my words of occult wisdom." "Ethereal runes." "The Hogfather ain't human, after all." "Er, I suppose a bit of warm liver's out of the question?" "~ On the second day of Hogswatch" "~ I sent my true love back" "~ A nasty little letter" "~ And a partridge in a pear tree" "What's your game?" "Small-time thief, are you?" "You ain't supposed to be able to see me." "I'm a wizard!" "We can see things that are really there, you know." "Er, what's in this bag?" "You'll really wish you hadn't, mister." "Oh, will I?" "What are you doing here, young man?" "Well, you know the Tooth Fairy?" "Well, it's sort of like the same business." " You take things away?" " Not take away as such..." "More sort of bring." " Ah." "Right, new teeth." " Like new verrucas." "Ugh!" "Oh, you're him." "I saw your piggy do a wee." "Oh?" "Well... good." "It had a great big..." " What do you want for Hogswatch?" " She wants..." "I want an army and a big castle with an active drawbridge and a sword." "(clears throat)" "I think they're supposed to say thank you." "Are you sure?" "People don't normally." "No, I meant to the Hogfather, which is you!" "Right?" " Sorry." " Yes, of course." "(clears throat) You are supposed to say thank you." "'Nk you." "And be good." "This is part of the arrangement." " Yes." " Then, we have a contract." "(chuckles)" " Ah, verrucas, eh?" " Wish I knew why." " Do you mean you don't know?" " No!" "Suddenly I wake up and I'm the Verruca Gnome!" "Why, how strange!" "Anyway..." "amazing bathroom, isn't it?" "(chuckles) It's even got a special pot for your toenail clippings." " For your toenail clippings?" " Well, you can't be too careful." "Get hold of something like somebody's nail clippings, hair, teeth, you've got them under your control." "I mean, that's real old magic." "(Teatime) Children of the world, prepare to think as you are told." "Mr Sideney?" "Your big... no-misjudgements magic moment." "(gasps) You can't give her that!" "It's not safe!" "It's a sword." "They're not meant to be safe." " But she's a child!" " It's educational." "What if she cuts herself?" "That will be an important lesson." "(whispers)" "(Death) Really?" "Oh, well." "It's not for me to argue, I suppose." "And she doesn't want all that other stuff." "She's a girl!" "And anyway, I can't afford big posh stuff like that." "I thought I gave it away." " You do?" " You do?" "You don't!" "That's our merchandise!" "You don't just give it away." "Hogswatch isn't about giving everything away." "I mean, yes, you do give things away, but you have to buy them first." "You mean... this is all... free?" "It... would seem... to be." "So, Mr Stibbons, this thing's a great big artificial brain, then, eh?" "You could think of it like that." "Of course, Hex doesn't actually think, not as such." " It just appears to be thinking." " Amazing!" "You mean it gives the impression of thinking, but it's just a show?" " Er, yes." " Just like everyone else, then, eh?" "I knew I'd come here for something." "(chuckles) Now, this little chappie is the Verruca Gnome who's just popped into existence to be with us on Hogswatch Night, being the most magical night of the year." "Last year's occult rubbish piling up..." "I thought you chaps might like to check up on it." "The Verruca Gnome?" "Well, it makes about as much sense as anything else, doesn't it?" "After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, isn't there?" "Makes one wonder why there's a god of wine" " and not a god of hangovers." " (faint jingling)" "Anyone hear a noise just then?" "Sorry, Archchancellor?" " A sort of..." " (imitates jingling sound)" "Like a lot of, er... tinkling bells?" "I didn't hear anything like that, sir." "Oh." "Well, where was I?" "Erm..." "Yes, well, I mean, nobody's ever seen a Verruca Gnome until tonight." "I've never heard of me until tonight, and I am me!" "Well, erm, we'll see what Hex can find out, Archchancellor." "Good man." " (bell rings / gears grind)" " Amazing!" "Now we should be able to get to the bottom of all this." "None of this is right." "Everyone knows he's just a jolly old fat man who hands out presents to kids." "(raven) He wasn't always so jolly." " You know how it is." " Do I?" "Well, it's like, you know, industrial retraining." "Even gods have to move with the times." "You see, your Hogfather was probably just your basic winter demiurge, you know, blood on the snow, making the sun come up..." "So there has to be blood to make the sun come up?" "(raven) Hmm!" "Well, it starts off with animal sacrifice, hunt some big, hairy animal to death, that kind of stuff, very folkloric, very... mythic." "Didn't stop at animals, neither." "They had sacred kings, the strongest and the best, died at the dark time of year to give life to the unconquered sun." "And in a way, the Hogfather was all of 'em." " And then?" " Then some bright spark thought," ""Looks like that damn sun comes up anyway, so how come we're giving those Druids all this free grub?"" "The world moves on, and he's got to find a new job." "So he started as an animal sacrifice to make the sun come up?" "Exactimundo." "And now he gives out presents." "(sobs)" " (sobs)" " Top of the evenin', squire." "I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch, and this is Constable Visit, sir." "I want you to arrest him!" " Arrest who, sir?" " The Hogfather!" "What for, sir?" "He's sitting up there as bold as brass in his... grotto giving away presents!" "Not quite up to speed here, sir." "I thought the Hogfather was supposed to give away stuff." "But this one's... an impostor!" "You know, I always thought that." "I thought, the Hogfather spends two weeks sitting in a wooden grotto in some shop in Ankh-Morpork, very busy time, too." "Nice life, eh?" "He's not the Hogfather we usually have!" "You mean a different impostor?" "Not the real impostor at all?" "Yes!" "No!" "Arrest the Hogfather style of thing?" " Yes!" " On Hogswatch Night?" " Yes." " For giving away presents?" " (laughs)" " In front of all these kiddies?" "Yes!" " In your shop?" " Y..." "You think..." "that might look a bit... bad?" "Difficult to see how it could look good, sir." "Could you not do it..." "surreptitiously?" "Oh, well!" "Yes." "Surreptition." "Yes." "We could give that a try." "You won't find me ungrateful." "In Omnia, we call Hogswatch Night the Fast of St Ossory." "But it is not an occasion for superstition and crass commercialism." "I used to hang up my stocking every Hogswatch, regular." "All that ever happened was my dad was sick in it once." "I'm going in." "(eerie noise)" "(teeth continue to explode)" "There seems to be a thaumic surge from somewhere." "It's as if something is triggering random bursts of stray belief." "It's the expression on their little faces I like." "Yeah, a sort of cross between fear and and awe." "They don't know whether to laugh, cry or wet their pants." "Yes." "Now, that is what I call belief." "Next." "And what's your name, little person?" "Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather." "And have you been a good bo?" "A good dwa?" "A good gno?" "A good individual?" "Yes." "So why isn't it working?" "Er, the chalk..." "just got a bit scuffed, you know, when we were piling up the... the things." " You're sure that's what it is?" " Well, er..." "What about the spell?" "That'll go on forever." "Simple ones do." "It's just a state change, powered by the... the..." "It just keeps going." "That's very good, Mr Sideney." "Because if the sympathetic magic doesn't work, you will find me very unsympathetic." "(whimpers)" "What happened?" "What happened?" "Ah, it's disgusting, this whole business!" "It is the worship of idols!" "It's a genuine Burleigh  Stronginthearm double-action triple-cantilever crossbow with a polished-walnut stock and... silver engraved facings." "Aren't we going to arrest the impostor, Corporal?" "You're foreign, Washpot." "I can't expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch." "On the whole, I think that went very well, don't you?" "Yes, master." "And I think I've got the laugh working really well now." " (enthusiastically) Ho, ho, ho!" " Yes, sir." "Very jolly." "Tomorrow morning, they'll believe, alright." "They'd better." "Because if they don't, then, there won't be a tomorrow morning." "So for the sun to come up tomorrow, the Hogfather has to be alive." "Precise-amente." "But what if he's dead?" "(heavy footsteps)" "(eerie noises)" "And this was gonna be your big... moment." "(hogs squeal)" "(caws)" "It's him!" "Such a shame!" "Pretty lights... (whooshing)" "Think... happy, Banjo." "(rumbling)" "Wake up!" "Wake up!" "You've got to find the Hogfather!" "He was at the Castle of Bones." "You're not the Hogfather." "There must be thousands here." "What's all this stuff?" "It's just paper." "They're title deeds to properties, and they're better than money." "So if we steal them, do they become ours?" "Is that a trick question?" "Anyway, let's get going." "He won't miss a few, er..." " Gentlemen." " (Chickenwire) We were just, er..." "We were just... piling up the stuff." "Hah!" " (giggles nervously) - (grunts)" "(knife slips out of sheath)" "Hmm!" "I know people say" "I'd kill them as soon as look at them." "In fact, I'd much rather kill you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite." "You're thinking that Banjo's gonna help you." "That's how its always been, isn't it?" "But Banjo's my friend now." "Banjo has the heart..." "of a little child." "And believe, I have, too." "Help him, Banjo." "As far as this goes, I really have no use for it." "It's only pillow money." "Something much more... interesting has become apparent." "(creaking)" "(metallic grinding)" "Albert..." "I don't see the Hogfather as someone who rolls his own." "(rumbling)" "Drop him." "Control." "Control the inner child, and it'll even give you its teeth." "And somewhere in this tower, you're gonna help me find someone who can use it who can use it to..." "give me the world." "So, is he saying to take the money and go?" "Don't be so bloody stupid!" "Daddy?" "I say..." "It's not what you think!" "Yes, it is." "(clock chimes)" "Mr Brown?" "There's one door you haven't found." "Find the Tooth Fairy's secret room." "And when he does then, just think what I can make the kiddiewinks think." "(rumbling)" "(moaning)" "(groaning)" "(moaning)" "(moaning)" " Are you alright?" " I wish I was dead." "I think you may have come to the right place." " Oh, my head..." " Are you the Hogfather?" "I feel awful!" "Have you got any ice?" "Duty calls." "Yeah, but which one?" "That one or this one?" "(screams)" "Happy Hogswatch, everybody!" "(giggles madly)" "Everything starts somewhere although many physicists disagree." "There is the constant desire to find out where." "Where is the point where it all began?" "But much, much later than that, the Discworld was formed." "Drifting onwards through space atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle, the great A'Tuin." "It was some time after its creation when most people forgot that the very oldest stories of the beginning are, sooner or later, about blood." "At least, that's one theory." "The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis." ""Things just happen." "What the hell?"" "Our story began in Ankh-Morpork, the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork, the biggest city in Discworld, a city where magic is just another job and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for Wizards" "looms over all the dark, narrow streets below." "Our story continues in the middle of the night before Hogswatch, a midwinter festival, which, for some reason, bears a remarkable similarity to your Christmas, that now takes us to the Tooth Fairy's castle," "where magic has made children's teeth perilously powerful, so that our story is much sooner rather than later about blood." "Mr Teatime!" "There you are." "I've unlocked it." "And Banjo's opened it." "I'm not telling you anything." "Who are you, anyway?" "I'm glad you asked." "I'm your worst nightmare." "Oh." "You mean the one with the giant cabbage and the, kind of, whirling-knife thing?" "Sorry, no." "Not that one." "I'm the one where this man comes out of nowhere and kills you, stone dead." "Oh." "Oh, that one." "But that's not..." "Rather a charitable act there, I feel." "But it is nearly Hogswatch after all." "Bring me the girl." "Odd." "Oh." "It's a scythe job, then." "They took the teeth." "All of them." "They just walked in and they... they..." "No!" "Wait!" "Wait!" "Wait!" " Where did he come from?" " A place I cannot go." "Well, even if you could go there, we've got our work cut out here keeping the Hogfather's seat warm." "If what's happening in the Tooth Fairy's castle isn't stopped, then, everything we've been doing is a waste of time." "And if they get to the Tooth Fairy, they will be able to control all human belief." " Unless Susan gets there first." " (hogs squeal)" "Yes, well, it's coming along well." "Very impressive." "Well done." "(heavy thud at door)" " I need your help, Mr Ridcully." " (mutters) You..." "You're..." "Yes." "The scythe, the cloak, the white horse, the granddaughter." "(all gasp)" "I need you to wake him up." " His name's Bilious." " (all gasp)" "He's the Oh God of Hangovers." "Something nasty's happening tonight." "I'm hoping he can tell me what it is but he's got to be able to think straight first." " And you brought him here?" " (all murmur)" "(muffled chatter)" "Why are you doing this?" " I was behind with the teeth..." " Is she behind this door?" "Don't know." "There was nearly $13" " in pillow money owing." " This her door?" "But I filed the form..." "Will you just shut up and answer the question?" "I don't know." "I've never been here before." "Then, your boss probably doesn't realise" " how irritating you are." " (yelps)" "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" "Or Miss Bottler gets it." "It was only a bit of loose change!" "And I really, I was going to... 10 Scrote..." "Have you got the list?" "(clanging)" "(Death) This is really, really stupid." "I think the tradition got started when everybody had them big chimbleys, master." "Ooh!" "(screams)" "(Death) Indeed." "It's only a mercy it's unlit." "(muffled yelling through pipe)" "(yelps)" "(rumbling on ceiling / thud)" " Oof!" " (pats snow off himself)" "(Death) The boy wants a pair of trousers that he doesn't have to share, a huge meat pie, a sugar mouse, a lot of toys and a puppy called Scruff." "Aw, how sweet." "I shall wipe away a tear." "Cos what he's getting, you see, is this little wooden toy" " and an apple." " But the letter clearly..." "I know." "It's the socioeconomic factors." "I mean, the world would be in a hell of a mess, wouldn't it, if everybody got what they asked for?" "I gave them what they wanted in the store." "What good is a god that gives you everything that you want?" " You have me there." " Ah, yeah." "No, it's the hope that's important." "Oh, yes." "It's a big part of belief, is the hope." "I mean, say you give people jam today and they'll just sit there and eat it." "But jam tomorrow?" "Ah, no." "That'll keep 'em going forever." "And you mean that because of this, the poor get poor things and the rich get rich things?" "Well, yeah." "It's the meaning of Hogswatch, innit, master?" "But I'm the Hogfather!" "At the moment, I mean." "Well, it makes no difference." "Hmm." "I remember when I was a nipper." "It was one Hogswatch, it was and I had my heart set on this huge model horse in this shop." "It was what I always wanted." "Someone was in there, buying it, and, do you know, just for a second," "I thought it really was going to be for me." "(door shuts)" "But it wasn't." "I spent hours with me nose pressed up against the window, till someone heard me calling and unfroze me." "Yes, I would've killed for that horse." "But you know what?" "I still hung up my stocking on Hogswatch Eve." "And do you know why?" "Cos I had hope!" "Yeah." "And the next morning, our dad had put in my stocking a little wooden horse that he had carved his very own self." "Ah, and that was worth more than all the expensive toy horses in the world?" "No, cos you're a selfish little bugger when you're only seven." "It's only grown-ups that think like that." "This is wrong." "It is... unfair." "Well, that's life, innit, master, eh?" "But I'm not." "This is supposed to be the season to be jolly." " Hmm." " And other things ending in "olly"." "(whooshing)" "(puppy yaps)" " (muffled cries)" " Please." "Just take her out of vocal range." "Mr Brown." "Your big moment." "Break me out the real Tooth Fairy." " (groans)" " Oh, come along, lad." "If you're the Lecturer in Recent Runes, can't you do something more, well, magical?" "Well, Spold's Unstirring Divisor would do it." "You would end up with a large beaker filled with all the nastiness." "It's not difficult at all, if you don't mind the side effects." "Tell me about the side effects." "Well, the main one is that the rest of him would end up in a somewhat larger beaker." " Alive?" " Well, broadly, yes." "Living tissue, certainly." "And definitely sober." "Why don't we just mix up absolutely everything" " and see what happens?" " (all chuckle)" "It's got to be worth a try." "Ah." "Thank you, my dear." "A-ha!" "Will this take much longer?" "We may not have much time." "Oh, you can't be too careful." "(groans)" " What's that?" " Ssh." "Wow-Wow sauce." "The hottest sauce in the universe." "And it'll blow your head clean off." "It's not safe to drink if the sweat is still condensing on the bottle." "On the other hand, (laughs) If it is a kill-or-cure remedy, then, we are, given the possibility that the patient is immortal probably onto a winner." "(whimpers)" "I wonder if it's gone critical yet." "(sighs in relief)" "(all whimper)" "I don't know." "I wish you fellas would show some backbone." "(screams)" "(gurgling)" "Careful, Archchancellor!" "What you have there may represent pure sobriety." "(all murmur)" " I'll try it." " (all gasp)" "(gulps)" "(chuckles)" "(all groan)" "You did say he was immortal, didn't you?" " And you mean... he just appeared?" " Yes!" "He has no memory of existing before appearing at the Hogfather's castle." "You mean, like this fellow?" "Don't be ridiculous." "Gods and gnomes don't appear en masse for no reason." "Bring me, let's see, 20 pints of lager, some pepper vodka and bottle of coffee liqueur." "I didn't have you sobered up just so you could go on a binge." " You don't drink." " I don't?" "Oh." "Yeah." " I need you to help me." " Oh." "I'm afraid I did it, didn't I?" "I, erm, I said something to young Stibbons about drinking and hangovers, didn't I?" "You mean you created it just like that?" "Oh, I find that very hard to believe, Mustrum." "Good job nobody mentioned the Hair Loss Fairy, then!" " (all chuckle)" " I am not losing my hair." "It is just very finely spaced." "Yes, half on your head and half on your hairbrush." "For the last time, I am not... (jingling)" "I wish I knew where that was coming from." "We need a bigger brain for this." "That thinking engine of yours working, Ponder?" "Er, Hex is resting, Archchancellor." "(shouts) Can you hear me in there?" "You don't have to shout, Archchancellor." "What is that "ning-ning, ning-ning, ning-ning" noise all about?" "It says, "Look at the Dean."" ""Look at the..." "Dean."" "Is there a problem?" "(all laugh)" " Are you the Hair Loss Fairy?" " Apparently." "What have you been doing with my hair?" "Just a minute." "Where exactly were you before I found you in the snow?" "Anywhere where drink had been consumed in beastly quantities" " sometime previously, you could say." " (Mustrum) A-ha." " You were an imminent vital force?" " Oh, sounds great!" "(chuckles)" "What is that?" "(Mustrum) So, when we joked about the Hair Loss Fairy, it suddenly focused on the Dean's head." "(all laugh)" "You're calling things into being." "I personally have always wondered if there was an Eater of Socks." "You know how there's always one missing?" "(jingling)" " Ah!" "To the laundry!" " (all shout)" "Tell me again who these people are." "Some of the cleverest men in the world." "And I'm sober, am I?" "(glass smashes)" "What is that ridiculous thing on your head?" "(slurred) I don't know, sir!" "What?" "What is it?" "It says here... (clears throat)" ""If found, please return to the Tooth Fairy's castle."" "Well, thank goodness the Tooth Fairy already exists, hey?" "Tooth Fairy?" "Oh, you see her around a lot these days." "Or them, rather." "It's a sort of franchise operation to collect children's teeth in exchange for money." "And she has a castle." "She sounds great." "Actually, I do remember one thing." "When I appeared at the Hogfather's house, there was this drunken little fellow in a pointy hat." "I thought it was just the drink talking, but he did mention something about the permanent end of perpetual servitude for the little helpers of all fantasy personifications!" "(laughs)" "Including the Tooth Fairy." "Up, up, up, up, up, up, up." "Where did you find this?" "(groans)" "(Billy) Is he alright?" "I say, what is the geographical location of the Tooth Fairy's castle?" " Now I'm feeling normal, can I come?" " This is not a normal situation." "Look, I think I'd better tell you." " My grandfather is Death." " Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "Death." "You know, death." "The robes, the scythe, the white horse, bones." "Death." "But at the moment, he's acting rather strange." "I want to make sure I've got this clear." "You think your grandfather is Death and you think he's acting strange?" "Look, Death adopted my mother." "He then took on a human apprentice." "They fell in love and I'm the result." "This is fascinating." "Let's say I picked up a few strange genetic knacks along the way." " Now, that looks dangerous." " I hope so." " Wait!" "I could help you!" " Would you be any good in a fight?" "Er, yes." "I could be sick on people." "(groans)" "(whining)" " (snarls)" " Shoo!" "Shoo!" "Whoa!" " There he is!" "Watch yourselves!" " (Mustrum) We have to sort this out." "We can't have creatures popping into existence just because people are talking about them." "Unhygienic." "So, what is this implied creation, then?" ""Humans have always ascribed random, seasonal, natural or inexplicable actions to human-shaped entities."" ""Such examples are the Hogfather, the Tooth Fairy and Death."" "Well, that's all very well, but I'm damn sure there's never been an Eater of Socks or an Oh God of Hangovers." "I think it works like this." "What we're getting is the personification of forces," " just like Hex said." " A bit like the Hogfather?" "I mean, when you're a kiddie, it's as good an explanation as any as where presents come from." "But why is it happening now?" "(Hex rattles)" ""Beliefs causing new creatures to appear."" "You could put it like that." ""There's a finite quantity of belief in the universe."" "Well, certainly people can only believe in so many things." ""It follows that if a major focus of belief is removed, there will be spare belief."" "Alright, then." "Well, I just don't..." "What are people not believing in all of a sudden, then?" ""Out of cheese error."" ""Melon." "Melon." "Melon."" ""Redo from start."" "It's Hogswatch." "I suppose the Hogfather is around, isn't he?" "I like this job." "Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear." "Excuse me." "Yes." "This will show them." "(cracks whip)" "But Poor Little Match Girl dying in the snow is all part of the spirit of Hogswatch, master." "You see, people hear about it and they say," ""We might be as poor as a disabled banana and only can afford to eat mud and boots, but see how much better off we are than the Poor Little Match Girl!"" "That makes them happy and grateful for what they have got." "I know what the spirit of Hogswatch is, Albert." "(electric fizzling)" "You're not allowed to do that." "The Hogfather can." "The Hogfather gives presents." "There's no better present than the future." "That's it." "I've had enough of this pixie lark." "I'm waiting for the Hogfather." "I'm in the dark, waiting for the Hogfather." "Me." "A believer in natural philosophy." "I can find the square root of 27.4 in my head." "I shouldn't be doing this." "It's not as if I've hung a stocking up." "There'd be some point if..." "Take her somewhere warm and give her a good dinner." "And I may well be checking up later." "Looks like we've been chosen to do a bit of charity." "Well, I don't call it very charitable, just dumping someone on people like this." "I dunno." "Some people wouldn't know the real meaning of Hogswatch if it jumped up and clocked 'em in the gob." "(rumbling)" "No!" "This is a child's painting." "Twyla paints like that." "I painted like that." "Grandfather saved some of my draw..." "Come on." "Let's find the house." " What house?" " There's always a house." "I was told you were the best locksmith in the city." "Locks don't generally alter themselves while you're working on them, that's what I'm saying." "(whispers) Are you the best or not?" "(rumbling)" "No!" "Not the dark!" "Banjo." "I'm getting out of here." "There's something wrong with this place." "I made a big pile." "Do you want to come with me?" "It's pretty here." "Mr Sideney." "(sighs)" "Would he deliver to apes earlier than to humans?" "Interesting point, sir." "Possibly you're referring to my theory that humans may have descended from apes." "A bold hypothesis, which, if the Grants Committee could just see their way clear to letting me hire a boat and sail around to the islands... (all grumble)" "I just thought he might deliver alphabetically." "(rustling)" "(all murmur anxiously)" "(Death) Let me see, now." "Who the hell are you?" "I'm the Hogfather, of course." "Erm... ho, ho, ho." "You look extremely thin in the face." "I..." "I'm, er..." "I'm a bit ill." " (all mutter)" " Oh." "Terminally, I would say." "A-ha!" "It's a false beard." " No, it's not." " It's got hooks for the ears." "That must've given you a spot of trouble there." "It's a pillow!" "(all chuckle)" "I thought there were seven locks." "Yeah, but they're half magic, half real and half not there." "There's parts of 'em don't exist half the time." "I thought you could open any lock anyone ever made." "Made by humans and most dwarves." "I don't know what made these." "You never said anything about magic... (rumbling)" "That's a shame." "Then, really, I have no more need of your services." " You may as well go back home." " What about my money?" "Of course." "You should get what you deserve." "You must think I was born yesterday, Mr Tea Cup." "I'm leaving with what's coming to me and you ain't stopping me." "Banjo certainly ain't." "I knew his old ma in the good old days." "You think you're nasty?" "You think you're mean?" "Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off and spit 'em in your eyes." "Cocky little devil." "I remember you when you was little, Banjo." " I used to sit you on my knees." " Banjo... (clicks fingers)" "There you are." "Where's all these shadows coming from?" "It's giving me the creeps!" "It's all your fault." "Oh, yeah?" "So it wasn't you who said, "Wow. $10,000." "Count me in!"" "But I didn't know there'd be all this creepy stuff!" "I wanna go home." "It's like dealing with a child!" "(screaming)" "(man continues to fall)" "Poor guy must have slipped." "Yeah." "Slipped." "That's the Tooth Fairy's castle?" " It's teeth." " And I should be scared?" "There's nothing that scary about teeth." "Did I say I was scared?" "I must just be hungover again." " Oh, no." " They're only teeth." "(Chickenwire) Oi!" " Surely no one would try to..." " What is that?" "It's such old magic, it isn't even magic any more." "If you've got a piece of someone's hair, nail clipping or tooth, you can control them." " Don't tell me someone's..." " (rumbling)" " What's that shadow?" " This place is alive." "And it's protecting itself." "So, what happened to the other fellow?" "Well the Hogfather has enemies." " What did he do, miss a chimney?" " (all chuckle)" "(recites incantation)" "There's, er, there's people down there, Mr Teatime." "Well, just do away with them." "Well, er, one of them's a girl." "Then, do away with them... politely." "Keep going." "Quicker." "(shrieks) It's after me!" "(continues to shriek) Let me out!" " What was that?" " It's finding their nightmares." "(shrieks)" "Let me out!" "It's after me!" "Pull yourself together." "Look around." "There's nothing chasing you." "I thought it was the... wardrobe." "What wardrobe?" "When I was a kid, we had this big... wardrobe." "And it had this... this..." "On the door, it had this face!" "And at night, it whispered things." " (creaking)" " Who's that moving up there?" "I think they saw us." "And if they're tooth fairies, there's been a really stupid equal-opportunities policy." "Right." "You go that way, I'll go this way." " Why don't we stay together?" " What's got into you?" "Hmm?" "This is a children's place." "The rules are what children believe." " Well, that's a relief." " You think so?" "It's impossible to die here." "My grandfather doesn't figure in a child's world." "That man who fell down the stairs looked pretty dead." "Oh, you die." "But not here." "You..." "Let's see." "Yes." " You go somewhere else." "Away." " (muffled cries)" " (screams) Aren't you Susan?" " Yes." "When you came for Twyla's last tooth, you were shocked I could see you." " Oh, yes, and I saw..." " We may not have a lot of time." "Is this... the Tooth Fairy?" "A tooth fairy." "Do you... drink at all?" "No, I don't." "Not touch alcohol at all?" "Never." "My dad's very strict about that sort of thing." "Nice castle." "Can we get on?" "Good." "Who brought you here, Violet?" "I don't know." "But he's dressed like an assassin." "OK." "You two stay here." "I'll go find him." "And I'll look after Violet." "(giggles)" "(fizzing / lock clicks)" "That's the fourth lock open." "I commend your expertise." "And the others?" "Do you know exactly what's in here, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh?" "Logically, if you're the guardian of children's beliefs and this is your castle and I come across as securely locked a door as this then, not to thoroughly investigate would lack elegance." "(metallic scraping)" "What's that sound?" " What sound?" " That sound." "Like old scissors scraping." "Have you ever heard of the Auditors?" "Well, I suppose that the Bursar might have done." "Not auditors of money." "Auditors of reality." "They are the civil service of everything." " (all mumble)" " And they want to get rid of us?" "They want humans to be..." "less creative." "The Hogfather is a symbol of this." "(bones crack loudly)" "Strange thinking." "They hate the way humans make up stories about the universe." "I can't think why. (chuckles)" "And you, why are you doing this job?" "(Death) Someone must." "It is vitally important." "Before dawn, there must be enough belief in the Hogfather." " Why?" " So that the sun will come up." "(all chuckle)" "I seldom joke." "(Violet) What sort of godding do you do?" "Oh, I'm the, er, I'm the Oh God of Hangovers." " A god of hangovers?" "Oh, how awful." " I suppose so." "You're more cut out to be one of those important gods." " Oh!" " What's this, eh?" "Lovers' Lane?" "You leave him alone, you!" "He's a god!" "A god?" "Dear me!" "Out of thunderbolts, are we?" "Well, you know, I've never killed a g..." "(creaking)" "(creaking)" "(groans)" "What's the matter?" "It's just a wardrobe, innit?" "(pants / shrieks)" "I don't want to see!" "I don't want to see." "Hex was right, Archchancellor." "Hex?" "Who is Hex?" "Erm, he's the biggest thinker in the world." "I would like to meet this Mr Hex." " (shrieking) - (all gasp)" "(all mutter)" "Quite a large thaumic reading, gentlemen." "I think he got here by magic." " (all mumble)" " Where did he go?" "They say you are the biggest thinker in the world, but do you also believe?" "Extend logically the result of the human race ceasing to believe in the Hogfather." "Will the sun come up?" "Answer." "Correct." "How may this be prevented?" "Answer." ""Regular and consistent belief."" "Good." "I have a task for you, thinking engine." "Believe in the Hogfather." "Do you believe?" "Answer." "Do you believe?" "Answer!" "Good." "(pen scratches on paper)" "Hmm. (mumbles under breath)" "Oh, no!" "(sighs)" "Let me see." "How old are you?" "And have you been naughty or nice?" "(safe clicks)" "Hello." "Well, well, well." "What have we here?" "Bone handle." "Rather tasteless skull-and-bone decoration." "Death himself's second-favourite weapon." "Am I right?" "Oh, my." "It must be Hogswatch." "This must mean that you are Susan." "The famous granddaughter." "Nobility." "I'd bow, but I'm afraid you'd do something dreadful." " (lock clicks) - (Sideney) Yes!" "Yes!" "Left-handed using a wooden pick." "It's so simple!" "Ah!" "Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh, I've managed to open the fifth lock." "No problem." "They're just based on Woddeley's Occult Sequence." "(chuckles)" " How do you know who I am?" " Easy." "Twurp's Peerage." "Family motto, non timetis messor." "Your father was well known." "Went a long way very fast." "As for your grandfather, honestly, that motto, "fear not the reaper", is that good taste?" "Course, you don't need to fear him, do you?" "Or do you?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Who are you, anyway?" "I beg your pardon." "My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh." "Jonathan Teh-ah-tim-eh at your service." "You mean..." "like around four o'clock in the afternoon?" "No." "I did say..." "Teh-ah-tim-eh." "Please don't try to break my concentration by annoying me." "(Sideney recites incantation)" " How are you getting on, Mr Sideney?" " Oh!" "Er... (Teatime) According to Woddeley's Sequence, number six should be copper and blue-green light." "You think your grandfather will try to rescue you?" "But now I have his sword." "You see, I wonder..." " (lock unlocks)" " All fingers and thumbs, Mr Sideney." "Er, I've managed to open the sixth lock, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh." "Really?" "But it may not be all-important now." "Thank you, anyway." "You've been most helpful." " Erm..." " Yes." "You may go." "Is that all you're here for?" "A robbery, like a petty thief?" "A thief?" "Me?" "I'm not a thief, madam." "No." "These gentlemen are thieves." "That's Medium Dave." "And Exhibit B is Banjo." "He can talk." "(gasps) Who are you?" "I'm incognito." "You look like a wizard to me." "(yelps)" "Did you suck your thumb when you were little?" "Nope!" "(metallic swishing)" " Is that the Scissor Man?" " Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" "Kids believe all kinds of crap, but I'm a grown-up now, so... (screams)" "No more Hogfather." "And that's only the start." "I'll be able to make people believe anything I want." "(Banjo) What's this?" "You said, "No more Hogfather."" "He does know what we've been doing here, doesn't he?" "You did tell him?" "There's gotta be a Hogfather." "There's always a Hogfather." " She did it!" "She killed him." " No, I didn't." "He..." " Did!" " Didn't." " Did." " What's this about the Hogfather?" "I don't think he's dead, but Teatime has made him very ill." "Who cares?" "When this is over, Banjo, you'll have as many presents as you want." "Trust me." "There has to be a Hogfather, else there's no Hogswatch." " It's just another solar festival." " Banjo and me are going." "Banjo, you're coming with me right now." "Grab her, Banjo." "It's all her fault." "Our mam said no hitting girls." "No touching them or pulling them hair." "She's not a girl." "She's a freak." "I think I know you, Teatime." "You're the mad kid they're all scared of, right?" " Banjo, I said grab her." " Our mam said..." "The kid who didn't know the difference between chucking a stone at a cat and setting it on fire." "I said shut up." "Get her, Banjo." "The kind of little boy who looks up dolls' dresses." " I didn't." " Our mam said..." "Ah, to blazes with your mam!" "What did you say about our mam?" "I bet no one wanted to play with you." " Not the kid with no friends." " Banjo, you do as I tell you." "Our mam..." "Our mam..." "Our mam said..." "Have you been a bad boy, Banjo?" "You been letting him get into trouble again, our Davey?" "You have, haven't you?" "No, Mam." "No, Mam." "No, Mam!" "You need a good hiding, Banjo." "Sorry!" "Sorry!" "Sorry, Mam!" "You been playing with girls again?" "Sorry!" "Sorry!" "Sorry, Mam!" "Sorry, Mam!" "Sorry!" "No, Mam." "No, Mam." "No, Mam!" "(shouts) No!" "(cackles)" "Oh, no." "I don't think so." "This place gets into your head, doesn't it?" "It... finds out how to deal with you." "But I'm in touch with my inner child." "It's so much fun." "No pulling girls' hair." "That's bad." "I'm gonna have so much fun with this." "So light." "You dare!" "My grandfather will come after you." " He comes after everyone." " He's very single-minded." "I'll be ready for him." "(giggles)" "It doesn't work here." "There's no death here." "Hi, inner child." "I'm the inner baby-sitter." "(cloth rips)" " Happy Hogswatch!" " (all cheer)" "(all chatter merrily)" "Is he dead?" "He's not breathing." "Breathing spell." "Breathing spell." "(mutters)" "Spolt's forthright respirator, perhaps." "I think I've got it written down somewhere." "Come on, chaps." "Give me some space." "(whooshing)" "Excuse me... excuse me, but this is vitally important for the advancement of natural philosophy." "Did you see any bright lights?" "A shining tunnel?" "What is all this, Mr Stibbons?" "Put the damn quill away." "This must be the Unseen University." "And you're all... wizards." "There was a sword." "Oh, yes." "It's, er, fallen on the floor." "Did I do that?" "I really must be off." "(all mutter)" "Well, he won't get far." "The main doors are locked, in accordance with Archchancellor Spold's rules." " Won't get far?" " No!" "While holding a sword which appears to be able to cut through anything?" "(thud)" "You can get into trouble, hitting girls." "No playing with girls." "What am I gonna do now?" "(blows nose)" "(lock clicks)" "Hello, my dear." "No." "Sorry, dear?" "You're not the Tooth Fairy." "Oh, I am, dear." "(Susan) Oh, Grandma, what big teeth you have." "You've even got a shawl." "Oh, dear." "I don't understand, lovey." "You forgot the rocking chair." "I always thought there'd be a rocking chair." "I don't think you're real." "It's not a little old woman in a shawl running this place." "You're out of my head." "That's how you defend yourself." "You poke around in people's heads and find the things that work..." "No." "It's horrible, but it doesn't frighten me." "I like spiders." "Dogs?" "No." "I like rats." "Rats are fine." "(growls)" "Sorry, is anyone frightened of that?" "(distorted) I..." "I..." "You're a bogeyman, aren't you?" "Not a." "The!" "The first bogeyman." " You look terrible." " Thank you very much." "I mean ill." "I used to jump out on them and say, "Boo!" (chuckles) Yeah." "But then I got to like 'em." "Only children were frightened of me." "I mean, what's to be scared of?" "Horns, bony arms." "But then I discovered that there were much worse things than me and I wanted to protect the children, keep them safe from all the really bad things." "So I built all this to be a safe place." "And the teeth?" "(chuckles) If you leave all those teeth around," " anything could happen." " Anything nearly did." "So, you are the Tooth Fairy, then?" "Yes!" "I..." "Oh..." "Then they came, stealing." "I'm too weak to look after them any more." "(groans)" "You don't die here." "You just get old." " Listening to the laughter." " (echoing laughter)" "(Susan) Don't worry about the teeth." "I'll make them safe again." "I think it would be a good idea if you did the Tooth Fairy's job, Banjo." "Do..." "Do you think that'd be alright?" "Won't the Tooth Fairy mind?" "You..." "Do it until she comes back." "So, er, who's gonna tell me what to do?" "(Susan) No one's ever going to tell you what to do again, Banjo." "Thanks, miss." "I'll keep the teeth safe." " Er, miss?" " Yes, Banjo?" "Can I have a puppy?" "I had a kitten, but our mam drownded it cos it was dirty." "I think it'll turn up quite soon, Banjo." "Thanks, miss." "Billy!" "Violet's talked about it." "We thought we ought to come back and help." " (Susan) It's OK." "They're all gone." " Oh." "And Banjo needed a new job." "That's funny." "So does Billy." "Look, why don't you two make yourselves useful and help Banjo clear up this mess?" "He's pretty much running the place now." " (laughs) Oh, but he's..." " He's in charge." "We'd love to help, Banjo." "Together." "Good." "Have fun." "Now I'm going home." "This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch." "(whooshing)" "Grandfather!" "What are you doing here?" "It is not over." "You must bring the Hogfather home." "These look like the mountains where the Castle of Bones was." "They are." " It's a pig!" " A boar." "This boar is the?" "(Death) Yes." "The Hogfather as he began." " (Susan) And the dogs." " (Death) These are not real dogs." "If they catch him, he won't just die." "He will... never be." "Well, stop them." "(Death) This is a human thing." "The Auditors are desperate now." "They're determined to destroy the Hogfather at whatever cost." "You must save him." "(dogs bark)" "(squeals)" "(dogs bark)" "(dogs bark)" "Come on." "Jump." "Just you try it." "(dog howls)" "Yes!" "Who wants some?" "Anyone else?" "(dogs whimper)" "(thunder)" "Ho, ho, ho." " (dogs whimper)" " You couldn't resist it in the end." "A mistake, I fancy." "It gets under your skin, life." "Speaking metaphorically, of course." "And, you see, the more you struggle for every moment, the more alive you stay." "Which is where I come in, as a matter of fact." "You can't do this." "There are rules." "Yes, there are rules." "But you broke them." "How dare you." "How dare you!" "And now there remains only one final question." "Have you been naughty or nice?" "(thunder)" "(flatly) Ho, ho, ho." "(sobs)" "We saved you." "Dying's not how it's supposed to go!" "(birds twitter)" "(wings flap)" "(roars)" "(hogs grunt)" "Er..." "Er, sorry." "Hyah!" "Well that about wraps it up for this dress." "I'd just like to ask, purely out of academic interest, you were sure I was going to survive, were you?" "I was quite confident." "Good." "Now, tell me..." "What would've happened if you hadn't saved him?" " Yes." " The sun would not have risen." "Then what would've happened?" "A mere ball of flaming gas would have illuminated the world." "Alright, I'm not stupid." "You're saying that humans need fantasies to make life bearable." "No." "Humans need fantasy to be human." "To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape." "With tooth fairies, Hogfathers..." "Yes." "As practice, you have to start out learning to believe the little lies." " So we can believe the big ones?" " Yes." "Justice, mercy, duty, that sort of thing." " But they're not the same at all." " You think so?" "Then, take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve, and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy." "And yet, you try to act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some..." "some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged." "But people have got to believe that, or what's the point?" "You need to believe in things that aren't true." "How else can they become?" "Er, would you like to visit for Hogswatch dinner?" "Albert is frying a pudding." "I, er..." "Well, they're really expecting me here." "Would you like a drink before you go?" "A cup of cocoa would be appropriate in the circumstances." "Right." "There are biscuits in the tin on the mantelpiece." " Susan's got a poker, you know." " My goodness me." "I thought all of you knew that by now." "Indeed." "Last week, she picked a bogey up by its nose." "I'll give Gawain his stocking, then I'll come and watch." "Susan..." "Well, well." "Now, this is... unexpected." "A family affair." "I wonder..." "Is it possible to kill... death?" "(Teatime) Hmm!" "This must be a very special sword." "And it certainly works here." "And, of course, it might well not be regarded as murder." "Possibly it is... a civic act." "It would be, as they say the big one." "You may have some personal knowledge about your vulnerability, but I'm pretty certain that Susan here will quite definitely die." "So I'd rather you didn't try any last-minute stuff." "I am last-minute stuff." "(faint music)" "I don't remember them asking for anything that made a noise." "Oh, there has to be something in the stocking that makes a noise." "Otherwise, what is 4:30am for?" "There are children?" "Oh, yes." "Of course." " Call them." " Certainly not." "It'll be instructive." "Educational." "And when your adversary is Death, you can't help but be the good guy." "Call them." "Gawain." "Twyla." "(Teatime) Come in." "Come in!" "Curly haired tots!" "I've caught this bogeyman." "What shall we do with him, huh?" "It's only a skeleton!" "Yes." "A nasty, creepy, horrible skeleton." "Scary, huh?" "He's eating a biscuit." "A creepy, bony man in a black robe." "You're fidgeting with that kettle, so I expect you're thinking of doing something creative." "Put it down." "Please." " Slowly." " Huh!" "That's not very creepy." "It's just bones." "It's just standing there." "It's not even making "whoo-whoo" noises." "And, anyway, you're creepy." "Your eye's weird." "Really?" "Well, let's see how creepy I can be." "(thud)" "(gasps)" "Oh, no!" "Couldn't have gone through you." "There's so many ribs... and things." "It only kills monsters." "Stop time now." "You winked at me." "I thought you had a plan." "Indeed." "Oh, yes." " I planned to see what you would do." " What?" "I did add the sparkly stars and the noise, though." "I thought they would be appropriate." "And if I hadn't done anything?" "I dare say I would have thought of something" " at the last minute." " That was the last minute." "There is always time for another last minute." "(sighs)" "Stop playing dead, Mr Teh-ah-tim-eh." "You got it right." "Of course." "I'll take care of the body." "That will prevent inconvenient questions." "Erm, you did know the poker would go through me?" "I was quite confident." "(Death) Ah." "I have made this for you." "Oh!" "Thank you." "What is it?" "(Death) Albert said there ought to be snow on it, but it appears to have melted." "It is, of course, a Hogswatch card." "Oh." "There should have been a robin on it as well, but I had considerable difficulty in getting it to stay on." "(Susan) Ah." " It was not at all cooperative." " Really?" "It did not seem to get into the Hogswatch spirit at all." "Oh." "Thank you." " Granddad?" " Yes?" "Why?" "I mean, why did you do all this?" "Human beings make life so interesting." "Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom?" " Quite astonishing." " Oh." "Well, then, er..." "Happy Hogswatch." "Yes." "Granddad." "Happy Hogswatch." "Happy Hogswatch and good night, children, everywhere." "(coughs)" "(dog barks)" " Ooh!" "Hello!" "Hello!" " (dog barks)" "Oh, you're cute. (chuckles) Yeah, come on." "Come on, let's play." "Yeah." "You have a big, wooden rocking horse in the window." "Er... yes." "That's a special order I made for..." "Lord Rodney." "How much would this lordship have paid you?" " $12." " I will give you 50." "Would you like me to wrap it, sir?" "No." "I will take it as it is." "Thank you." "Incidentally, there is a small boy out there with his nose frozen to the window." "Some warm water should do the trick." "Happy Hogswatch, sir."