"Look, if you don't eat it, right, then the helicopter will crash." "Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back..." "So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots!" "Now you've got your condemnation," "Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!" "Have we had a national fucking stroke... or what?" "Is revolution a word or was it never?" "Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth." "Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us for water?" "!" "I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found." "This green and pleasant land in ancient times!" "Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!" "It's not theirs any more." "This is our England now." "Paaaarty!" "I always felt I was different, I never believed that I fitted in." "Life is... ordinary, but I was special." "I used to think, "I'm not a part of this, I can't be." ""I must be adopted!"" "My real mum and dad were film stars." "Yeah, and they couldn't look after me because of their careers and that, but one day... one day..." "Fish and chips!" "They'll come back for me." "My real parents will tip up in a fuck-off limo and whisk me off to a better life..." "Excuse me, mister, I really want to do magic." "Can you teach me?" "And then I learnt..." "Fuck off, kid." "That there's no such thing as magic or the Tooth Fairy or Father Christmas." "It's like flying pigs, they don't exist." "We just have to make do with what we've got." "Come on, it's good for you." "Look, if you don't eat it, right, then Mr Cuddles' banana brains will get splattered all over the wall!" "I know how you feel." "I can't do a thing with this today." "It's flat as a gymnast's chest!" "Helicopter!" "Look, if you don't eat it, right, then the helicopter will crash." "Let 'em die." "Is there a brew going, or what?" "Yeah, in the kettle." "That's mine!" "Got your name in it?" "Yeah, it has!" "Is that porridge?" "No, it's a kebab" "She prefers Chocky-Choc Pops, with a bit of sugar on." "Is that what you feed her?" "It's no wonder she won't touch it, she's holding out for a sugar fix." "That stuff will rot her teeth." "They're only her baby ones, she'll get a new set." "If she gets older!" "The shit you're pumping into her!" "You're not fit to be a parent." "What, and you are?" "Well, I'm more qualified than you are!" "Who's the daddy..." "I'm the fucking daddy!" "Who's the daddy?" "!" "Where's your fucking tool?" "You're a fucking tool!" "Pack it in!" "It's not about you, or about how good you are, it's about her!" "Smaller spoon." "It's like when you're feeding a poorly snake, y'know, you chop up the mice with the scissors." "Right, you set of lazy bastards!" "Morning." "I've got piles of bills here falling out me arse and what are you lot doing about it?" "Fuck all!" "I need every single one of you worthless shites to start pulling in some serious money!" "Today!" "I'm out there grafting already." "Thought we were going to town?" "Get a new trackie?" "I've got a golden shower booked in at ten." "I've got me community service." "Prancing about in tights in't community service." "Yer what?" "I picked up needles and shit when I did it." "Him?" "Doing drama, plays and that." "Maybe the magistrate saw something in me." "What, like big fucking gayness?" "You're not me dad!" "So I reckon the magistrate was knocked out by me." "Saw that I had a bit of something about me." "Bastard, you bastard, you fucking bastard." "Cos I've done loads of acting, me." "See how you like that!" "I was the Inn Keeper." "Well, I played an opportunistic businessman in a historical drama." " huh." "And we made a film, Taxi Driver, it was fucking mint." "I mean it was mint." "Soz." "I just really want to make a success out of this," "I think I'm turning a corner, you know." "Yeah, if I can just get this sentence out of the way..." "Bastard!" "Good news?" "It's my ex, ran off with my best friend!" "You really missing her?" "I'll get his knees done if you want?" "Get him put in a wheelchair and that..." "Joke!" "No, I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship." "Me step-dad nicks my clothes, right." "He's using one of my t-shirts to sleep in!" "And he hits me, I mean, like, proper hits me." "He's cracked a few of me ribs and that." "In here." "I think there's been a mistake." "You shouldn't have called the magistrate a "fucking mong"." "He was a fucking mong." "He'd had a stroke." "And?" "Dropped down dead from a brain tumour." "Age?" "57." "Here's another good one." "Father of two, 47, knocked down by a bus, 47." "Morbid old crones." "They make Goth Dave look like a children's television presenter." "Two halves of cider, one with black." "That's the one with black." "Can I have some cash for the pool table?" "Cheers." "He acts like a child, but then again he is, isn't he?" "Shouldn't you get him a lemonade too?" "Or does the sugar make him hyper?" "Careful what you say now." "There are children about and we don't want them picking up any bad language now, do we?" "Mummy?" "Can I have a bag of crisps, please?" "You need to man-up!" ""That, my... dear young friend," ""is the... theory" ""that the corrupt French..." ""drama has been propounding..."" "Aw, you've been smoking!" "This will be a million times better than the shit you're inhaling there, brother." "It's Salford Skunk." "Shop local, like it." "Thai Stick." "Pure quality." "I'm autistic so it focuses me mind and it's good for... concentration." "D'you like it here?" "S'all right, usually a bit better when we haven't got The Thrush." "Irritating twat." "And to be honest, I prefer numbers to words, me, anyway." "For example... from here, I can see... 80 trees, 72 yellow lines," "412 railings, 17 traffic lights, 12 satellite dishes, 3 cameras, 64 windows," "24 cars, and two dead pigeons." "You know all that just by looking at them?" "The other thing I like is..." "Never mind that!" "D'ya fancy going to a casino one night?" "The other thing I like is women." "I want to shag a woman." "I bet you've shagged loads of women." "What's it like?" "Messy." "Anyway, fuck that!" "Look... d'ya want to come to the casino one night with me?" "Put in some serious money?" "Get me a woman to shag and I'll come to the casino." "The community service dickheads proudly present..." "Litter Pick on the M60." "We're a cutting-edge group, right, with important things to say." "So have I." "Get a fuckin' job!" "I'll show ya." "Show me." "You think I'm a joke, you think I'm worth fuck all." "It's not just me, Mickey." "It's pretty much across the board, mate." "Kel..." "Fancy making a million quid for Mam?" "Boom!" "What the fuck are you playing at?" "Duh!" "You'll be wearing that internally." "I've got a list of jobs as long as me arse, and you piss off out of here!" "I was manning up, like you wanted." "Leave you at home doing the jobs, and me come here, like a man." "You tell 'er, kid." "It's not how it works ..." "not in my house." "Your list of jobs." "It's about time you proved yourself to be a man... my man ... all right?" "!" "Winner stays on!" "Now!" "Ha-ha-ha!" "As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew," "I must say that your... simple, innocent girl like that..." "Do you like this?" "Excuse me." "Chatting away while people are working is hugely disrespectful." "You got something to say?" "Why are they doing this?" "Did they choose it?" "No disrespect or 'owt, but..." "I don't understand it." "By the looks of it, neither do this lot." "I'm sick and tired of men telling me what's what." "Time and time again, they think they know best, and they know f... jack all!" "You, Michael Maguire, have yourself a one-way ticket right out of here, direct to prison." "Do not pass go and do not collect £200!" "Wait!" "I'm telling the courts you're in breach of your order." "All right, I'm sorry..." "Contributed nothing, except negativity, whipping them up into a frenzy!" "There won't be a revolution here!" "Please!" "Not on my watch!" "Miss?" "Miss, wait!" "She pushed me!" "She fell." "Pushed." "Please!" "Let me out!" "Success." "I picked up the child allowance from the post office, went to court, paid the fines, dropped the wash off and did the shop." "Who's this?" "It's the same pram!" "Flat-out asleep." "Cilla or Latifah?" "Cilla." "Look, I've proved I can do stuff, shown I can sort problems ..." "I've manned up." "But can you think for yourself?" "I don't know what you want me to say." "Yeah!" "Yeah, I can think for myself." "And pigs won't fly." "I can!" "Prove it." "We've got to find 500 quid before midnight." "Have we?" "It's a hypothetical case." "Right." "So where are you going to get it from?" "The bank?" "You haven't got a bank account." "Hypothetical bank?" "For fuck's sake, Mickey!" "Billy." "You can't get it from the bank, not from any of our stashes, sell anything or hurt anybody." "So where are you going to get 500 quid from... tonight?" "Think." "My mum used to work in this office." "It had a box of petty cash... 500 quid's worth?" "More like a grand." "I don't have to get it, do I?" "I like lemonade and sara-cong..." "Come on, please." "She fancies you." "But I fancy her, right?" "So stay away!" "All right." "Hiya." "Right..." "Ten-minute fag break." "I know they're a bit different to how I described 'em..." "I'm used to it, I do different every day." "This is it." "Are you Mickey's girlfriend?" "No!" "No, she's just here to help out, you know, erm, lend a hand." "You can have a brew, then." "Are you all right to use the kettle?" "I mean, you're allowed?" "So, where's this Rain Man who's going to make us some serious money?" "What play will we do instead?" "It's one I'm writing myself." "It's the story of a poor, misunderstood genius, rejected by everyone around him." "He wants to fit in, he strives for it, but... no-one gets him." "You lot know what it's like." "Feeling like you don't fit in?" "We do fit in." "But what about when people call you names and that?" "Names?" "Yeah..." "Window-lickers, biffs, retards." "People don't call me names like that." "What do they call you, then?" "Terry." "What play would you like to do?" "Mamma Mia!" "Marley  Me!" "Avatar!" "They're all films, not plays." "Stuart Little?" "I saw a play once, it were in German, think it was about a lesbian trying to hang a curtain over a broken window." "Lasted three hours." "It were fucking brilliant." "We're not doing that." "What do you think we should do?" "What was the last play you saw?" "Nativity?" "What d'you have to say that for?" "Christmas is ages away!" "That was the last play I saw." "It was the last play I was in at school." "I was the innkeeper." "Were you any good?" "Go on." "Go on!" "I was... brilliant." "Just gonna go for a slash." "Whoa!" "What d'ya want?" "What're you doing?" "!" "Not what I want, what I can give you." "The best suck-off you've ever had." "All right... stud?" "Wait, listen." "Whoa Whoa, you don't want me!" "Yeah, I do." "Just get off, will ya!" "I don't care if it's little." "It's like a baby's arm holding an apple, right?" "Un-hard." "Stop!" "You want to do it here?" "Right now?" "Casino first." "Then we'll do whatever you want... sugar lips." "Don't you fancy me?" "No." "I do." "You'd let me suck you off if you really thought I was pretty." "You are pretty!" "It's just..." "I'm not the right man for you, Lise." "I'm no good." "I'm useless." "'Waste of space." "'Lazy, pathetic, pointless.'" "Never amount to anything." "What are you for, Mickey?" "What the fuck are you for?" "You need someone that won't let you down, someone who's dependable." "A real man like... like Terry." "Terry?" "!" "Big time." "I've seen the way he looks at you and that." "He'd look after you as well." "Y'know, he's a real man, a protector." "He'd pick you up, in his arms." "And everyone would watch as he carried you... in his big, strong arms." "With your head leant against his chest, his rock-hard ripped and cut chest, pecs like stone, nipples like wheelnuts." "The heat of him, his breath on your face, his heart beating through his solid chest, as he holds you tight, being held close and tight." "So, you're gay." "Look, wait!" "Don't say owt, will you?" "Keep it between the two of us?" "Your secret's safe with me." "We won't say a word either." "I won't, as long as you don't tell anyone I've got Downs Syndrome." "Deal." "Been years since I did a burglary." "We all used to do it together, me, Paddy, the kids." "Proper family stuff." "Happy days." "It was always a bit of a turn-on for me." "I'm getting a bit of a wide-on now." "Job first, though." "Come on." "We all have skills, right?" "I'm great on post codes." "Name a place." "Go on, test me." "Test me!" "Chester Zoo?" "CH2." "Blackpool Pleasure Beach?" "!" "FY4." "Brilliant!" "Buckingham Palace?" "!" "Yeah, all right!" "Fuckin' 'ell!" "I know every word to Gladiator, but it won't make us a million." "SW1 1AA." "Sorry." "Number boy's skills, however, are a different kettle of fish." "A kettle of fish?" "Limo." "Casino." "Let's go to work." "Hit me!" "He's fucking useless!" "Lost every fucking penny!" "He told me he was great with numbers!" "0808 157 2020." "Pizza delivery!" "I'm on about cards, Raymond!" "Fucking cards!" "You can't even count to 21, you prick!" "Hit me!" "Don't tempt me!" "What was all that "400 windows, 70 doors" bollocks?" "!" "Every day I have a smoke out the back and I..." "Count it all." "Stops me getting bored." "Can we have sex now?" "Unbelievable." "I believe there was a rehearsal here last night." "A rehearsal without an appropriate leader, I.e. you!" "We went to the casino." "Well, there won't be any more rehearsals, not now, not ever." "The building is closed until further notice." "You can't do that." "Can, and have." "And what's it got to do with the talking sex doll?" "You can't shut the building!" "I can and I have." "Health and safety." "If Lise continues to insist that she didn't push me down the stairs, then I must have slipped and the building closes until the Health and Safety Executives have investigated." "Thank you!" "Mum?" "And don't forget, no play, no community service!" "Bye-bye, outside, hello, Strangeways." "You've no sense of a dramatic exit, have you?" "Brake's stuck, sorry." "Here y'are." "I'd walk away from them if I could, the play and everything, if it meant I weren't walking towards prison." "Thanks a lot." "No offence, it's just we've got a few rivals inside at the moment, y'know." "Wouldn't be much of a holiday for me." "I could tell them I pushed her." "No." "She'd let us back into the building." "She won't, she's an evil bitch." "That must be destroyed!" "Steady on." "Sorry." "We can find somewhere else for the play." "And keep Mickey out of Sing Sing." "Where?" "You two are all over each other like a tic on a tramp's vest." "What's the secret?" "We've discovered the secret to happiness." "White wine and Night Nurse?" "Doing something together we both enjoy." "D'you fancy doing it again?" "Tonight?" "You know I'm only using the play as a ruse, right?" "Yeah?" "Yeah." "I'm training 'em up, aren't I?" "Think about it." "They'll be the best drug dealers in the world." "Methodical, practical." "They won't use the produce and the best thing is, the filth won't suspect them." "Look at 'em." "What the fuck's this?" "Attack of the..." "Bollocks!" "You smelly old tramp." "It's time we started standing up for ourselves." "Fucking set of..." "Before you say owt," "I know they're going to kill me, one day." "It's not you I'm worried about, it's your baby." "Your baby doesn't have a choice." "I'm not pregnant, sweetheart!" "Trapped wind and a little bit of heartburn." "Always going to the toilet." "You're having a baby." "Great news!" "Great news." "Jamie has said that we can rehearse and put the show on in here, providing... you lot run a few errands for him." "£10 each, yeah?" "And we'll invite a few heads from the council, see if we can get a bit of funding and then we can open our very own centre right here in the Chatsworth!" "Or somewhere else?" "Yeah!" "Now come on, you little band of biffers!" "You wanker!" "Fuck off, wanker!" "Cock off!" "Do you think this is gonna work?" "It has to." "Not just for me freedom, but also... to show those snide fuckers round here, always taking the piss." "Are you sure about this?" "Yes!" "But in the Bible," "Joseph didn't saw anyone in half." "It's artistic license." "It doesn't say that he didn't saw anyone in half." "And he was a joiner, so he'd have had saws and shit, and maybe a bit of curiosity." "Trust me!" "It's a boy." "I'm not pregnant." "The ring never lies." "It's a boy." "My husband is infertile." "Funny." "But if you've only been having sex with your husband..." "Guess this isn't just about the paint on my carpet?" "Want a bit of help, sweetheart?" "Cost you." "What happened to the milk of human kindness?" "Turned to cheese." "20 quid an hour ... all the help you need." "One part white spirit and two parts water... shift that in next to no time." "OK, I'm not a big believer in miracles, especially not round here, so we can rule out another immaculate conception... and Shane's infertile." "It's Marty." "You never go bareback!" "It wasn't business." "It was more than that." "Are you sure?" "What happens when it all turns to shit?" "What am I gonna do?" "We can sort this, yeah." "I'm not getting rid of it." "This is all we've..." "Me and Shane, it's all we've ever wanted and..." "I can't tell him." "Well, you're gonna have to tell him something." "I can't!" "He's gonna find out sooner or later." "Watch yourself, Rain Man!" "What do you think?" "Perfect!" "What?" "Why don't you just talk to Terry?" "I know he likes you." "It's not that easy." "It was all right for you to barge in to the bogs and offer me a gob-job!" "That was just sex." "It's different with Terry." "I don't know what I feel." "Sometimes it's hard to tell someone what's really going on." "Hey, I've been ringing you." "Right." "Sorry, my phone's been on silent for rehearsals." "Have you finished?" "We've only just started." "I've got a job." "You gonna be all right?" "I can't take her with me." "It's too dangerous." "She can be the baby Jesus." "My only concern now is getting a crowd in to see it ..." "an audience, you know." "I mean, who's going to want to come and see this lot do the Nativity when it's not even Christmas?" "Why can't it be Christmas?" "Tills are always bursting." "I love Christmas!" "I'm sorry!" "You all right?" "I've twisted me knee!" "It needs support." "I need a bandage." "I'm sorry!" "Will it be OK?" ""It hasn't got an alarm."" "But instead, it's got a private security company with a direct link to the filth." "Perfect!" "They'll send me down for this!" "Grow up." "I can't go to prison." "I'm too young!" "We'll get our brief on to it, be away on some technicality." "Don't worry!" "What if we don't?" "I'll pack you some lube." "Pretty boy like you." "Dozy bastard." "We should've gone back to the car." "He would have seen us." "Ring Shane or someone." "Ask them to pick us up." "Where's your phone?" "In the car." "Where's your phone?" "In the car." "Fuck!" "What are we gonna do?" "I dunno." "Paddy'd know what to do." "He would." "One clever fuck that one, great under pressure ... always thinking on his feet, you know." "Well, that's the answer!" "Do a fucking seance and ask Paddy what to do!" "Sorry." "Nah, I'm sorry." "Right, we can't get a cab, we can't hitch a lift, not with these, so..." "We'll walk." "We can't, it's too risky." "Filth are looking for us." "We need somewhere to lay low till morning." "We shouldn't be doing this." "It's a church." "Hardly." "It's one of God's houses." "Hasn't paid his council tax by looks of it." "That's blasphemous!" "What, it's all right to break into offices and nick stuff, but it's not all right to walk into an unlocked church?" "!" "I've got morals." "Doesn't look like it's in use now anyway." "Come on." "What are you doing?" "Looking." "For what?" "A saw or something to get these off." "Yeah, always get a saw in a church." "Drink this." "It's the blood of Christ." "This is his body..." "This is his saw." "What then?" "Since you think you're the brains of the outfit!" "I am the brains of the outfit!" "What am I then?" "A piece of meat?" "A fuck machine?" "!" "Have a bit of respect." "Swearing in a place of worship!" "I don't give a shit." "Hang on..." "Thank you, God." "Copper chopper." "Pigs will fly." "Come on, hurry up!" "I'm going as fast as I can." "We'll be here forever!" "It'd go quicker if I sawed through your wrist." "You're going to hell, you." "What, and you're not?" "I pray, I repent, I go to confession." "I don't get why you believe in all that shit." "After everything I've been through?" "I have to believe my dead children are in a better place, because if I thought this was it, that life was just this, with nothing at the end... then I'd just give up." "Maybe you need to start looking at "this"" "a bit differently." "That was then." "This is now." "You, me and Cilla." "Kinda liked having you by me side." "Maybe we should make it more permanent." "You having a laugh?" "No." "Will you marry me?" "Everyone all right?" "How are you doing?" "Nervous?" "I've still not had a shag!" "Who the fuck are you supposed to be?" "Inn keeper." "I've still not shagged a woman yet." "What's with all the blue paint?" "I get it, it's fucking Avatar, in't it?" "Avatar inn keeper!" "But there's..." "Never mind." "Terry, I wanted a word with you about the last scene." "I know we've not rehearsed it, but Joseph should kiss Mary at the end." "It's Lise's idea." "But in the Bible Mary and Joseph don't kiss." "But it doesn't say they didn't either." "They probably did a lot more besides kissing." "You're up the duff and it's not your husbands, you'll have to do more than kissing to make him sweet, aren't you?" "You know what I mean." "Think about it." "Mary's giving Joseph a blow-job?" "Well, no!" "Not in our play." "Maybe after, who knows?" "But just a kiss for now?" "Never mind." "Lise?" "I've just had a chat with Terry and he's come up with this great idea that Mary and Joseph kiss at the end." "All his idea." "Like a dream." "Call an ambulance!" "He's passed out." "It must've been the paint!" "Don't worry Mickey, leave him to us." "Fucking hell, Ches." "Come on." "You'll need a new inn keeper now, Mickey." "He's not gonna be up to doing the show." "What are you gonna do?" "Michael Maguire?" "Depends." "We spoke earlier..." "I'm from the council." "Brilliant!" "Innit?" "Yeah..." "Great!" "We're so chuffed you could come, you'll see what this group have done and maybe bung 'em some cash to get their own centre." "I'm the Health and Safety Executive." "There'll be no performance on these premises." "The set has to be fire-proofed, there are no fire exit signs displayed, a risk of overcrowding." "But this lot have got a performance in less than an hour!" "Well, you have to cancel." "Notification of intention to prosecute if you fail to abide." "Cancel." "That's that then." "No stage, no inn keeper... no show." "I've not worked my bollocks off for nothing." "We are doing it." "Bugger off, can't you see it's the second coming?" "Stupid, what are you doing?" "Hey!" "Hey!" "All of the hotels, and the pubs are all full." "Man United must be playing!" "This is the last inn for miles." "Hello." "My wife is with child." "We need a bed for the night." "Do you have room at your inn?" "Go on." "Do you have room at your inn?" "Go on." "We haven't got any room, I'm sorry." "Gutted." "I tell you what, though." "We've got a, sort of, stable round there." "You can have that if you want?" "Thank you, sir." "Thank you for your kindness." "Nice one." "I've already told you, we haven't got any room." "The bizzies are after us." "Get in." "Will you marry me?" "It's like squeezing a bowling ball through the eye of a fucking needle!" "Hardly." "I'm not going to the hospital till I've got a shag!" "Don't look at me." "Or me." "'There is magic everywhere." "But only if you believe." "'That's what people say, innit?" "You know they type of people." "'They go on about star signs, angels and shit." "'You have DVD box sets of Friends and they cry at greeting cards." "'But they're usually single." "'You won't find magic with a bunch of weekend hippies 'at Glastonbury squatting on lay-lines." "Yeah, they've all got tattoos and crystals.'" "'If you want real magic you go to Creamfields with a spliff, 'a bag of pills in one hand a bag of mushrooms in the other.'" "That was all right, that." "For a dickhead." "'The real secret is, you have to work hard for magic." "'It's not handed to you on a plate.'" "Mickey Maguire?" "'The universe don't give a flying fuck 'about your pissy little existence.'" "Mam!" "'Close the book, stop chanting, ringing your bells 'and open your eyes." "You want magic?" "Make it fucking happen, then!" "'" "Billy Tutton is doing me the honour of making me his wife." "A match made in Jeremy Kyle ratings heaven." "I didn't get rid of it." "Shane loves kids." "I've moved on." "Are you going to him?" "There is no-one." "Pack whatever you've accumulated and fuck off away from our mum." "If you want to get rid of me, you'll have to do it your way." "Grab him!" "You'll learn to love me again, I know you will." "And you put the egg in like so." "Then we say the magic words." "Fish and chippingtons!" "With a bit of luck..." "It's not worked, but... you know." "You have a go." "Subtitles by Red Bee Media and APOLLO"