"Oh, by the way, congratulations on never having sex with anyone else ever again." " You mean getting married?" " Yeah, that's what I said." "Hold the elevator." "Let go." "So, how's it goin'?" "Oh, I'll tell you how it's goin'." "Not good." "Worst week of my entire life." "One day, we're running down the beach in Aruba hand-in-hand, and the next, it's a text that says "I never want to see you again."" "How could he do this to me?" "We were so good together." "I mean, I should have seen the signs." "Sometimes, he would pretend to be asleep when I started talking to him..." "Dude." "You just missed an epic meltdown." "Apparently, Sondra got dumped." "Seems fair to me." "She broke his ears and he broke her heart." "Hey, really?" "She broke up with Dr. Mike?" "But they were so happy together." "They just got back from Aruba." "Uh, why do you know so much about Sondra's love life?" "No reason." "Man, I..." "I see things online." "He likes her." "That-that-that- that-that-that's not true." "Yes, it is." "I liked you better when you couldn't talk." "?" "It's amazing how the unexpected ?" "?" "Can take your life and change direction ?" "Yeah, yeah, okay?" "Sometimes, I still think about Sondra." "So do I, you know, when the smoke alarm goes off or the teapot screeches." "Dude, but she was funny, and nice, and she made me feel special." "Honestly, I broke up with her because I was tired of people always giving me such a bad time." "But sometimes, those people were funny about it." "Dare I say "clever"?" "You know what I'm gonna do?" "I'm gonna go up there right now, and I'm just gonna tell her how I feel." "No, no, dude." "You never wanna be the guy right after a breakup." "That's the rebound guy, and he never lasts." "You wanna be the guy after the rebound guy." "He's got the best chances of going the distance." "Wait." "So I'm just supposed to wait around for her to find some rebound guy." "How long is that gonna take?" "Well, in her case, possibly forever?" "Yo." "I'll be your rebound guy." "I've left tons of girls, who then met the men of their dreams, and went on to live happy, fulfilling lives." "True." "I mean, you are their last stop before happiness." "Dude, this could work." "Yeah, let's make a list of all the places you could pretend to run into Sondra." " How about the lobby?" " And my list is done." "You want a sandwich?" "?" "I got my dumplings on my belly ?" "?" "And I'm feelin' fine" "?" "Gonna have me some mushu" "?" "It's Chinese food time" "Yep." "Just a minute." "Aw." "Damn it." "I was trying to get you to open the door." "I figured you could use some exercise, chubs." "Yeah, well, you only crawl to the front door three times before you figure that one out." "Oh." "Hey, Ma, Riley and I are about to head out to dinner." " What's this?" " Oh, that's just the end of her lunch." "She doesn't like to stop eating for too long." "Good evening, everyone." "I'm Roger, Ms. Perrin's assistant." "I try to remind people who I am because I'm often forgotten." "Oh, hey." "Isn't this that cool stroller we wanted?" "It's from Ms. Perrin's mother." "She had it delivered to the office, and I thought I should bring it right over." "It's advanced in design and very comfortable." "There weren't any seats on the subway." "I should go." "Oh, my God." "Aw, don't you just love it?" "That was so thoughtful of my mom." "Yeah." "Mom, take our picture so we can send it to her." "Oh." "Yeah, sure, okay." "Cheese." "All I know is that you guys are gonna be thrilled with my gift." "I mean, it is perfect." "So, um, what would you guys consider a perfect gift?" "Well, there is this crib we've kind of had our eye on." "Oh, yeah, a crib." "Yes." "I mean, a crib is way cooler than a stroller." "Consider it done." "Oh, God." "Is that the price?" "Just throw some blankets in an old cardboard box." "I mean, that's what I did with Ben and" "Danny and they turned out fine... ish." "But, Mom, don't worry about it." " It's too expensive." " No, no, no." "A crib is what you want, and a crib is what you're gonna get." "God, I wonder if I'm sober enough to sell my blood." "Aw, what the hell." "Whoever gets it is gonna have a great time." "Oh, dang." "I gotta get me one of these." "Hey, uh, I know we talked about that crib, but it's pretty big." "Where we gonna put it?" "Oh, well, I was kind of assuming we'd get a new place once the baby arrives." "You wanna move?" "But I love living here." "Kenny, the kitchen sink doesn't work, none of the cabinets close, and there's zero room for the baby." "I mean, we need a new place." "But the baby lives in such a small place right now." "I mean, how much room does it need?" "And we live so close to my mother and my brother." "Exactly." "So, when you start listing things for the pro column, let me know." "Ben." "I forgot to tell you, don't forget to talk about cats." "All right?" "Sondra loves cats." "She's also really fond of rainbows, so if you can connect the cats to the rainbows, then you're definitely in." "Cats and rainbows." "Wow, she is special." "I'm sorry." "I've just been thinking about her a lot lately, and I don't want you to screw this up." "Tucker, please." "You're talking to the master." "Okay?" "I don't need any of your lame tips." "Oh." "Here she comes." "Uh, hey, Sondra." "Hold the elevator." "Thanks." "Wow." "You look so nice today." "Did I ever tell you about my cat named Rainbow?" "There." "One kitchen repair done." "Oh!" "Hi, husband." "Aw, I just love saying that." "Whoa." "Why are you all wet?" "Um, wet with sweat." "It's sweat." "Just had a crazy hard workout." "I was about to run my head under the faucet, but I'll wait until you're gone." "Um, hey, remember the other night when you said we should move because of all the stuff that's wrong with the apartment?" "If It was fixed, I think we should stay." "Yeah..." "like that's ever gonna happen." "Oh, it's happening." "Whoa." "Ah." "Uh, Mrs. Wheeler?" "Oh." "Surprise!" "It's here." "The crib you wanted." "All assembled and ready for the baby." "A human baby?" "Did you find this on a curb?" "Hey." "I had to fight somebody for this." "He wanted to throw it in a garbage truck." " Are you sure it's safe?" " Of course, it's safe." "Oh!" "Oh!" "And the best part is, it's collapsible for easy storage." "Hey, man, you better get out of here." "Sondra's gonna be here any minute." "Yeah, okay, but-but just so we're clear... you're gonna respect the Bro Code and not sleep with her, right?" "Well, if I do, I won't know if you got mad, because I killed myself immediately after." "Okay." "Knock-knock." "Guess who." "Oh, I'd know that knock-knock anywhere." "I have to say, I never thought I'd be having drinks with Ben Wheeler." "Oh." "I brought those pictures you wanted to see of Mr. Whiskers and Professor Mustard in their shower caps." "Oh, right." "Yeah, yeah." "Two seconds." "Okay, I'm ready." "So, Sondra... what have you been up to?" "Oh, my God, so much." "This morning on my way to the grocery store," "I saw a produce stand with local fruit, but not organic." "Anyway, the grocery store has organic fruit but not local." "So what am I supposed to do?" "Because" "I'm very particular about my fruit." "Especially stone fruits." "Stone fruits are harvested between June and September, so that makes them summer fruits, you know, like peaches or plums..." "I mean, I only came here to tell you that I wasn't interested, but here I am... interested!" "And do you know why?" "I really don't know what, um..." "You're a great listener." "I already feel like I can tell you anything." "It's so hard to connect with people, right?" "I went out with this guy the other day, and we did not connect at all." "But I guess it's like my Aunt Pari said right before she fell into that sinkhole," ""Sondra, you never know when you're gonna fall!"" "Whoa." "Whoa, whoa, back up." "You went out with someone after Dr. Mike?" "Oh, my God, that is so sweet." "You're jealous." "But you have nothing to worry about, he was just the rebound guy." "You know, the one after the serious relationship that never works?" "That's not a hard and fast rule." "Well, it's the person after that that really means something, and that's you." "Isn't that great timing?" "My mom was right, they just don't make these bottles big enough." "Are you kidding me?" "Wait." "So she already went out with the rebound guy, and if I would have asked her out like I wanted to, then she'd be crushing on me now?" "Dude, you're missing the bigger picture." "My rebound theory completely works." "You're gonna up there right now, and you're gonna dump her." "You got it." "Can I do it next week, though?" "She got us tickets to my favorite band." "Oh." "Hey, babe." "How are ya?" "Haven't seen you all day." "Yeah, that's 'cause I've been at work all day." "It's almost 9:00, and I'm exhausted." "All I wanna do..." "Is sit down, kick back, and have a nice, long dinner?" "Oh, my God, that sounds amazing." "Oh." "Perfect." "Let's go right now." "Or you can go by yourself." "Have you started day drinking?" "Wow!" "Don't Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler look super great today?" "I kept my name." "Yeah, I know, I was talking about me and Danny." "But, listen, I need you, okay?" "We are going on a little adventure, so let's go." "Uh, no, I'm not going anywhere except to bed." "Oh." "Well, we are going to be sleeping out tonight." "Yeah." "Go out." "Sleep over." "Girls' night." " Whoo!" " Have fun, on me!" "Oh, my God!" "Move, move!" "So, as I was saying, Mr. Liu..." "If we could just keep this between us, that'd be great." "You really wanna go crib shopping right now?" "The stores are gonna close in, like, ten minutes." "I know, that's why we have to hurry." "I found that stupid crib you want, and the first person in the store tomorrow morning gets it for 50% off." "Well then, why are we..." " Huh?" " No." "Oh, no, no." "I am not waiting in line on some frozen curb all night for a crib." "But I will bring you coffee first thing in the morning." "Oh, we're not waiting in line." "Why wait in a regular line when you can recline in the comfort of the furniture department?" "You know, I have to say, it was pretty exciting playing a pregnant mannequin." "Mm, yeah." "Oh." "Is that a dog?" "I didn't know they sold dogs here." "Unless they're security dogs." "Yeah, you know what, you're probably right." "Oh, my God." "Run!" "Wait." "So you actually made me come down here just to tell me that you think our date was one of the worst nights of your life?" "Well, besides being a jerk, I'm also incredibly lazy." "Ben Wheeler, I'm never speaking to you again." "Dude." "What's wrong with you?" "Why didn't you ask her out?" "I did exactly what you said." "Anybody is gonna look good compared to me now." "I preheated the oven, man, put the meat in!" "God." "Man, come on, I panicked." "Okay?" "I mean, what if your theory really is right and she actually needs a rebound guy to recover from you?" "We'll just find somebody who won't be real competition for you, and is naive enough to do exactly as we say and not ask any questions." "Oh." "Hi, guys." "Ms. Perrin's husband..." "Mr. Perrin asked me to run and grab zip ties, a tarp and a hacksaw." "I think he might have killed somebody." "Hey, Roger, how would you like to meet a nice girl?" "Well, I'm actually already seeing someone." "Even better." "Wait." "I don't hear barking." "Maybe is gone" "I just need something that I can throw out there to distract him." "What do you weigh now?" "Why did I let you force me into this?" "Me?" "If it wasn't for you and that fancy-ass crib you insisted that I buy, we wouldn't even be here." " That I insisted?" " Yeah." "No." "You know what?" "I am done." "I am done apologizing to you." "Well, you know what, I am done caring about you." ""I need a million-dollar crib to put my giant baby in it, 'cause I'm..."" "Wow, Mrs. Wheeler." "It really is just so easy for you to hurt my feelings, isn't it?" "You know, I have spent my entire life trying to get you to like me." "And for what?" "More verbal slaps to the heart than one person should have to take?" "I mean, why don't you like me?" "What have I ever done to you that is so bad?" "You know what, forget it." "Never mind." "Well..." "You know, Riley, I can't forget it." "Because I agree with you." "I have been hard on you... but it's not because I don't care about you." "If I didn't care about you, I would ignore you." "You're smart... beautiful... and you're the best thing that ever happened to my son." "One of the happiest days of my life was when you told me that you were pregnant with Danny's baby." "You're right, I don't like you." "I love you." " Really?" " I just said it." "Mrs. Wheeler..." "I love you, too." "You know... you can call me "Mom" now." "Thanks..." "Mrs. Wheeler." "I'll get there." "Oh, my God." "Dude, what if Roger screws this up?" "Like, what if he makes Sondra swear off men forever?" "Turns her into a lesbian, and then I got to get Riley to go in and switch her back?" "Not sure that's how it works, but I like your train of thought." "Let's think of other women we can send in." "Dude, where have you been?" "You were gone for almost three hours." "I know she's chatty, and you're spineless, but good God, man, learn how to make an exit!" "Just tell me what happened." "You casually ran into her in the lobby..." "And then I asked her to go for coffee, just like you said, but then she asked me if I was another" ""lying son-of-a-bitch macho-egomaniac."" "I wasn't sure what you guys wanted me to say, so, I said no." "Good answer." "And then we went to this coffee place, and she started talking, and talking, and talking, and then she talked some more." "Yeah, we're familiar with her condition." "Come on, man, just bottom line me, man." "Did you get her to fall for you like you were supposed to?" "I most certainly did." "Excellent." "Now all you gotta do is break up." " Already done." " Yes." "It wasn't easy, but I called my girlfriend and I broke it off." "I'm sorry." "You did what?" "I had to." "It wouldn't be fair to keep dating her, when my heart belongs to another." "Oh, did you meet someone when you were out with Sondra?" "No." "Sondra." "She is the girl of my dreams." "When she talks, I hear angels." "Speaking of which, my angel is waiting for me upstairs." "Wow." "I did not..." "Okay, don't worry about it." " I'll go up and stop Roger." " No." "No, man, I'm done." "I'm done playing your stupid games." "I'm just gonna go up there right now and tell her how I feel." "Wait, now?" "No, Tucker, wait." "Hey, bro, let's talk about this, man, come on." "So I feel a little guilty, but, oh, my God," "I hope I love my baby as much as I love my new crib." "That guilt you feel?" "Push it away." "I switched the price tags on the coat I'm wearing." "Look at my eyes... nothing." "Danny." " What are you doing?" " Riley, hi." "Wow." "Is it morning?" "Yeah, it's morning." "Just doing a couple of home repairs." "Okay." "Well, you said if I fixed all the stuff that was broken, then maybe we wouldn't have to move." "You're moving?" "And I let you hug me." "Danny, I'm sorry." "I know you don't want to move, but even if we could fix everything that... you've now broken, there still won't be enough room for the baby." "Well, that's actually the one thing I did finish." "Uh, Danny, that's our linen closet." "Or at least it was when I left for work yesterday morning." "Do you hate it?" "No." "I hate you for making me want to stay in this apartment." "It's perfect." "Just like you." " So, uh, Mrs. Wheeler..." " Yeah." "Yeah, I got it." "But now what am I supposed to get you?" "You already gave me everything I need..." "Mom." " Yeah, that was weird." " Yeah, I just..." "Dude, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna let you do this." "If you mess this up again, you're done." "I don't care, because if I don't get to see if we have something, then I've got nothing." "Seriously, what am I not seeing?" "Oh." "The boys from 4D." "What?" "Did you hear there's a piece of my heart left unbroken?" " Well, let me tell you." "There is..." " Oh, hi guys." "Oh, hey, Rog, what's up, man?" " What are you doing?" " Tucker, hurry up." "Guys?" "I-I can't open the door!" " Tucker?" " Sondra, I'm sorry." "This was all just one big stupid game." " Sondra?" " Tucker, get to it!" "When I heard you broke up with Dr. Mike, I just should have come up, but I-I sent in Ben because I thought you needed a rebound, but then you'd already rebounded, so then we had to rebound the rebound," "and then Roger went in and went rogue, and now here we are." "I'm not really following." "He likes you!" "Look, I never should've broken up with you in the first place." "Is there any way you could give me a second chance?" "Of course there is." "All you had to do was ask." "Dr. Mike was just the rebound from you." "You'll always be my Tuckle-Bear." "Aw, that's gross." "But I just broke up with my girlfriend." "How hot is she?" "You got a picture?" "Just saying, if you need a rebound guy, I got you." "With the store credit from the crib, and the big sale tomorrow, it is gonna be like" "Christmas in July for you." "Oh, and don't you worry about those doggies." "Luckily, this place sells ground beef and sleeping pills." "So, have you heard?" "Sondra and Tucker are dating again." "Yeah, I know, I don't get it either." "I mean, what does she see in him?"