"To my dear friends, Melissa and Sadie." " Aw." " Five years together." " That is awesome." " Hear, hear." " What is your secret?" " I don't really think there is a secret." "I think it's just about... love, understanding, and... two sets of boobs." "I love boobs." "I love 'em." " I love..." " Okay - ...everything about 'em." " Yeah, I do, too." "All different kinds." "(Blubbering)" "(Blubbering) Yeah, that's my thing too." "I love them." "SCHMIDT:" "And the Curiosity Rover has touched down" " on the planet of Mars." "SADIE:" "What's happening right now?" "What's happening in there?" "Schmidt's in there with his boss." "He's entertaining her." "Ew." "I don't care what he does." "I just don't understand why he has to narrate it!" "SCHMIDT:" "Robot arm engaged!" "It's just engaged now?" "So he's saying everything up to this point has been foreplay?" "Are you kidding me?" "That's ridiculous." "What are you gonna do for 20 minutes of foreplay?" "Boring!" "Yawn!" "Am I right, ladies?" "So, I actually know what's about to happen next." " You will all want to cover your ears." "SCHMIDT:" "I found water!" " No, I didn't do it in time." " Oh, he found..." "Has anybody seen a movie in the last five months, and can you describe the plot in great detail and loudly?" " Okay, you're dry." " Actually, I'm good." "Thank you." "Come on." "I spent six dollars on this wine." "I've been looking for the right time to tell you tonight," "(Schmidt singing 2001:" "A Space Odyssey theme) but Melissa and I are so excited because..." "Wow." "That is so upsetting." "What mission is this based on?" "!" "I'm pregnant!" "We are pregnant!" "Wha...?" "(Excited shouts)" "Lesbian baby." "Congratulations, you guys." "♪ Who's that girl?" "♪" "♪ Who's that girl?" "♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪" "I feel so lucky, you know?" "Like I really tucked this one in just under the wire." "What do you mean?" "You're so young." "As your friendly neighborhood gynecologist, you should know that by the time a lady hits 30, she loses about 90% of her eggs." " What?" "CECE:" "No, th-that" " can't be true." " What?" "Did you know that there's a test that you can take that tells you how many beans" " you got left in your bean sack?" " Ovaries." "It estimates basically how many childbearing years you have left." "Yeah, get this baloney:" "I'm 32, but my eggs are 48, and my vagina is 97." " I am so uncomfortable." " But it gets better with age-- it's like" " the vagina Helen Mirren." " Oh, boy." "I've got big plans for the centennial." "JESS:" "When can I take that test?" "CECE:" "Who cares?" "Personally, I'm still on the please-God-I-hope- I'm-not-pregnant phase." " What am I doing here?" " You know, just clinically speaking, it's probably" " a good idea to know." "JESS:" "I want to take this test!" "Like, now." "Can we take this test right now?" "WINSTON:" "Morning, ladies." "And Nick." " Morning?" " Well, I mean, I work nights now, so I'm on an adjusted sleeping schedule." "I just woke up, here's my breakfast," "I'm going to work." "Take me with you!" "They're talking about vaginas!" "I hate it!" "Take me with you!" "(Laughing)" "Our bodies really made something." "I feel like we brought manufacturing jobs" " back to America." " Yeah, it was fine." "What do you mean "fine"?" "I broke your brain, girl." "How do I put this delicately?" "I was... nowhere close to finishing." "I was bored." "And cold." "(Quietly):" "That's cool." "Uh..." "No, yeah." "(Chuckles)" "World shattered." "We'll try again." "It'll be better." "The world I once lived in..." "shattered." "All right, see you at work." "See you at work." "MAN:" "Put me on the air." "I got something to say about Andrew Bynum's hair." "All right, caller, you're up next." "Look at you, man." "This is great." "You're the king of your own castle." "(Chuckles)" "Look at this." "What is this?" "Why do you need so many pens, you big shot?" "I like what I do, man." "I finally feel like my life is moving in the right direction." "That is what I don't have in my life." "But not anymore." "I'm gonna take one of these pens," "I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna write my zombie novel." "You don't think I can do it, do you?" "You know, it's not that." "It's just that sometimes" "I get the feeling that you... don't want to write." "(Scoffs)" "No more excuses." "I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna write that novel." "And I'll be the first to read it." " We got a deal, friend." " Deal." "MAN:" "Yeah, you still have me on the line." "My two cents?" "He's never gonna write that book." " Why don't you shut up, Manny from Cerritos?" " Okay." " Who asked you?" "Hang up the phone." " All right." "We should go." "Melissa's been drinking for two." "Three." "JESS:" "Awesome night, ladies." " Educational." "Thank you." " Sorry." "I'm just..." " Okay." "I'm sorry." " What?" "Sadie, before you leave, can I just ask you a few questions?" "I know where this is going." "You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you... well, a va-genius." " Jar." " I know my way around a Grizzly Adams." "You, too?" "Jar." " Wh..." " As an adult male," "I would like to ask you a few questions about, you know, the downstairs girl cookie." "Jars, jars, all around jars!" "This is my personal time right now." "You can make an appointment at my office, pay your $40 co-pay." "I will be happy to answer your questions." "Yes!" "I'm in." "Please." "Now, would I have to put my legs up in the stirrups?" " Why would you?" " I'm asking more so out of curiosity" " than fear. #excitement." " Are you done?" "I'm done." "I'll see you, okay?" " I'm gonna call the office." " Okay." "Well, thank you, guys, for the... awesome drunky" " thing and the weirdly sobering end." " Look," "I know Sadie freaked you out with all this talk about tests, but I just want to remind you that at the end of the day, it's all about love." "I mean, I love Sadie." "I want my babies to have her beautiful face." "As long as they don't get her big, fat man-feet." "Yuck." "Fingers crossed we go donor on that one." "Okay." " Let's make a graceful exit, my love." " Okay." "Hey, get out of here, you crazy lesbos, with your baby-making!" " Ooh!" " Whoo!" "Ah!" "I'm married;" "I'm not dead!" " Night." "CECE:" " See you." "Drive safely." "(Panting) 90% of our eggs, huh?" "That's crazy." "I'm panicking." "You panicking?" "God, no." "Babies wreck you, Jess." "They literally eat your body." "I'm 30, I'm single, and I just started a new job." "Tonight" "I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face, and then I ate the bread roll, so I essentially used my face as a butter knife." "I don't think I'm ready to bring new life into the world, but... what if all that's left are the weird eggs?" "And the evil eggs?" "You have no evil eggs." "I can feel them." "They're turning." "They watched their brothers and sisters die, and now they want to be birthed." "I need to be fertilized." "Fertilize me, Los Angeles!" "Calm down, all right?" "You're overreacting." "I am overreacting!" "You know why?" "Because I want a family." "I want to give my nipples a purpose." "Give my nipples a purpose!" "MAN:" "Oh, yeah!" " Oh, God, that was a mistake." "(Man wolf whistles) Duck down." "That was a mistake." "(Whispers):" "We're taking that test." "Well I think that you guys made a really smart decision" " coming in here today." "JESS:" "Sadie, once at a senior graduation party," "I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for... 12 hours." "Is there any chance that I sunny-side upped my eggs?" " No, Jess." " Oh, between the years of 1998 and 2005," "I used a lot of self-tanner." "Like, a lot." "Is that a possibility of, um..." " Do I..." "Okay." " Nope." "Here we go." "I once fell on a pommel horse..." "I'm gonna call you when I get the results." "This is good." "I got nothing." "This is..." "Whoa, whoa, Jess, what are you doing?" "That's my ketchup collection!" "This fertility Web site says I need to get rid of anything with toxins." "Did you put the microwave in the trash?" " Yes." " Why would you do that?" "Microwaves zap things!" " You can't take my microwave away!" " Zap my insides!" " It's the only thing I love!" " I can't risk it!" " It's what makes burritos delicious!" " I don't care!" "You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?" " You're putting me in a tough spot." "SCHMIDT:" "Friends," "I'm in a real-life sex pickle." "My inability to satisfy Emma has thoroughly rocked me." "I've tried everything." "How about now?" "Hold on." "I'm Shazam-ing this song." "Oh, for crying out loud!" "Guess what I'm worried about?" "This sound." "You know what that sound is?" "It's the sound of an empty uterus." "I don't need test results to tell me that it is The Grapes of Wrath in there." "It is 1930s" "Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt." "And they're all walking with limps." "I can top that easily." "I'm having a hard time" " with my zombie novel." " Oh, not this..." "JESS:" "Are you literally comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?" "I'm a writer, Jess." "We create life." "Ugh!" "Being a woman sucks!" "Preaching to the choir." "Women are the worst." "Seriously, can you please stop yelling?" "All right, now, it's no big deal, but I'm on an adjusted schedule." "Sorry about this." "Jess has absolutely lost her mind." " I have not lost my mind!" " Yeah, you have." "I'm just scared!" "NICK:" "Would you trust me?" "You're gonna be fine." "You're gonna meet somebody and... you're gonna fall in love and then... before you know it, you're gonna..." "JESS:" "With who, Nick?" "Who's gonna..." "lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?" "I'll man up." "But I must warn you," "Jess" " I don't have sperms." "I have tadpoles." "Of the gods." "That's right." "And I'm gonna give 'em to you." "You can have 'em all, for all I care." "That's how much I love you." "I feel your pain in this situation." "I want you to have babies." "Take my sperms." "No." "It should be me, Jess." " What?" " With your big, beautiful blue eyes" " and my..." "Blair Underwood-like skin," " Mm-hmm." " We'd have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen." " He's not wrong." " It could get into any school it wants." " Mm-hmm." "To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me." "I think it's important that that's been said." "Good, 'cause it's definitely not me." "Good, 'cause it's definitely not you." "I would love that little baby with all my heart." "Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear and... hitting on the crossing guard." " How's the zombie novel coming?" "Good, good, good." "I haven't written a word." "Wait, are you serious?" "Nick, it's not that hard, man." "Just sit down and write." "You ain't Hemingway." " You boys are right." " Mm-hmm." "I got to be more like Hemingway." "I just lost another one of my eggs while you were comparing yourself to the most famous writer of all time." "Maybe the reason I have writer's block is I've been living too casual with you clowns." "I need real-life adventure like Ernest Hemingway had at my age." "Man, I got to run with the bulls." "I got to kill a man with my bare hands after making sweet love to him and then sleep on the warm belly of his horse." "I got to eat my way out of a sandwich house!" "How much you know about Hemingway?" "Not a lot!" "But I'm gonna learn!" "I'm becoming Ernest Hemingway." "You idiots." "Schmidt." "Yo." "Okay, Schmidt." "Female pleasure." "Here are some diagrams, so we can see where you're at." "The vagina." "I'm familiar." "Good." "Now, what I typically do is I start over here, and then I move here once" "I feel confident that this area" " has been taken care of." " Yeah, see, that's exactly what I do." "I call that "Losing Nemo."" "Well, a more advanced move would be..." "You know what?" "I'll just show you." "It's sort of..." "Come in this way." "No, no, I see what you're doing." "That asymmetry right there?" "That's crucial." "'Cause then what I'll do is is I'll go outside, get the paper, and shake the neighbor's hand." " Interesting." " Then what I'll do is," "I'll tie a bow on it because it's birthday time." "Then I get onstage and collect my Oscar and say thank you to the people, thank you to the people, then get back down offstage and get everybody into the sharing circle, right down there in the sharing circle," "and then..." "(Smacks loudly) spike the volleyball." "Then what I like to do is, I like to arrive at the bridge, meet the troll, and then answer his riddles three." "Then what we do is, we're dancing." "We're just gonna dance, we're gonna dance for a while." "We'll dance until you can't dance anymore, dancing till you can't dance anymore, and then everybody gets" "a churro." "(Clicks tongue)" "You okay?" "Mm-hmm." "It's the baby hormones." "They are not as gay as me." "So I'm good at this, right?" "Schmidt, in my professional opinion, you have definitely earned the rank of-- and I will use the phrase you coined-- va-genius." "Thank you, thank you so much." "I really needed to hear that, Sadie." "(Sighs)" "You got to go." "NICK:" "Hey, Winston, we're going on an adventure!" "We need real-life experience like Hemingway." "Whoo, I feel like Hemingway." "This is life experience?" "Yeah, the zoo is the best we can do, I told you, but it's got everything we need." "It's got life, animals, man, beast." "Look, I'm sorry, dude, it's just, you know," "I'm not supposed to be awake right now" " because of my adjusted..." " Adjusted schedule, yeah." "Hey, man, 13 minutes of sleep." "Honestly, Nick, seriously, 13 minutes of sleep-- that's all I got." "You're starting to look like a pillow to me." "All I can think of is, like," ""Man, Nick looks exactly like a pillow to me."" " Hmm, what'd you say?" " Winston, you need some sleep." " But I'm out here with you." " Yeah." " Okay, because I love you." " Thank you." "And I want you to finish your zombie book." "Okay, but check out where we are." "This is experience, this is what's firing me up to get back to writing." "This is kind of what it's all about." "(Laughs)" "What are you doing?" "It's writer's fuel." "That's what Hemingway said." "Sadie, um, hey." "Uh, I just, I just want you to know that I am, um, I'm like" "I am okay with whatever you tell me." "I'm just like, if you say you've got a year, that's fine." "If you say, like, "You can have kids till you're 80,"" "that's fine, too." "If you say, "You are barren,"" "um, I'm, I'm okay with that, too." "Um, just, why am I the only one talking?" "Just lay it on me." "What's inside my body?" "Everything looks good, Jess." "Your hormone levels are outstanding." " What?" " Actually these are off the charts for someone your age." "I mean, I don't know how you're walking around with this many eggs." "♪ I'm the egg queen ♪" "♪ I'm queen ♪ ♪ of the eggs. ♪" "Right." "(Typing)" " Cece." " Mm-hmm." "You know what?" "Maybe we should talk in private." "Cece, Cece." "Cece, wait, do you want to talk?" "Jess, you don't get it." "Sadie basically just told me that if I want to have a kid, I've got to start right now." "Right now." "I thought I had all of this time." "I didn't want to have to think about this." "I know, I know, I'm sorry." "I made you take the test." "What can I do?" "Make me a guy so I don't have to worry about this." "You know what?" "Yes." "Yeah, let's be guys just for today." "Let's, let's care about stupid things, talk about sharks and sci-fi movies and making everything wireless." ""Dude, my phone is wireless, my computer is wireless." " Everything's wireless, yeah."" " You're a terrible guy." ""Come on."" "(Laughs)" "No, I'm the best guy." "Come on, come on." "All right." "SCHMIDT:" "Okay, how was that?" "(Sighs)" "Eh." "Why, though, with the "eh"?" "Unbelie-- but I played out your most secret fantasy:" "French maid handyman does..." " Studio 54..." " Studio 54 busboy." " I know, it's disappointing." " I thought I killed it." "And I picked you at work because I heard you were amazing in bed." "I-- no, no, no, I am, okay, I know that I am." "I have it on good authority from my model ex-girlfriend and an actual lesbian gynecologist that I know exactly what I'm doing, so it's got to be you." "It's us-- this doesn't work." "When I got divorced I-I," "I thought I could go out there and have all these new experiences-- the contract of sex with someone at work who's so far beneath me, you know, someone basically just powerless." "I guess I have to feel something." "Okay, see, I'm not like that." "I don't even understand that concept." "My ex-girlfriend the model-- she's a model." " I know she's a model." " We'd have sex, and it was just like, I was happy, you know, I, I..." "We were connected, I wasn't thinking about anything." " What is that?" " That is love, you idiot." "That's love." "Yuck." " It sucks." " So, what, do I have to, I have to, like, be in love now to have good sex?" "Think about me-- I got to go out in the world and meet people, date." "You're going to be great." "(Sighs)" " You think?" " Yeah." "Consider our sex contract void." "How am I gonna get the feathers off?" "I have no idea." "Jess and that girl!" "Uh... (Laughs)" "Oh, I'm so glad they're here." "So you're getting a lot of work done here, huh?" " Who wins-- me versus gorilla?" "Go." " Gorilla." "Me versus gorilla." " Gorilla." " No, but in a contest." " Gorilla." " Yeah, but in a competition." "Uh, gorilla." "You don't get it." "CECE:" "Okay, are you just drunk at the zoo right now?" " Let's go look at snakes." " Okay." "Where are the snakes?" "!" "All day." "You know what?" "I don't think we should act like the guys." "Jess, what am I going to do?" "What am I going to tell Robby?" "You are a Mexican West Coast rattlesnakes, and they call you "fang-tastic."" "(Chuckles)" "No one ever calls me anything like that." "Nick, what are you doing?" "This is not life experience;" "This is procrastination at the zoo." " I don't think it is." " Now, I need some sleep." " I got to work tonight." " Okay," " congratulations, I'm glad you found your passion..." " Okay, look and that you love what you do." " Wow." " But enough's enough." " Don't throw it in my face." " Is it like that, is it like that, Nick?" " Don't throw it in my face." " Nick, I got off" " my adjusted schedule..." " Don't say "adjusted schedule."" " That's super annoying." " Adjusted schedule." " Stop saying it." " Adjusted schedule." "You say it again, I'm gonna let the snakes out." "Adjusted schedule." "Let the snakes out." "I will let..." " These guys have done a pretty good job keeping it sealed." " Yeah, yeah." " Nick, you're not a finisher." " Oh, I'm a finisher." "You're not a finisher at all, man." " That's why you didn't finish law school." " Don't do that." "The same reason you're only three episodes into Downton Abbey." " There's just too many characters, it's hard to follow." " Yeah, yeah, yeah," "I get it, man, you're scared, and that's okay-- be scared." "Just stop wasting my time because I'm tired and I need to sleep because I want to work tonight at the job I'm passionate about." "ROBBY:" "I'm glad you called me;" "I love the zoo." "You think I'm like a bear?" "I mean, I kind of move like a bear, and I got that really long, sharp toenail that you love so much." "Hey." "(Chuckles)" "Randa." "It says here you're 43." "Keeping it tight, girl." "(Child shouts indistinctly)" "What do you think of kids?" "I love kids." "I would like to have children someday." " Someday?" " Well, yeah, like in ten years or something." "Yeah." "I have a lot of eggs." "Unfortunately" "I don't have a lot of sausage." "Yeah, I shouldn't be complaining." "I'll be okay." " Hey, Winston." " Aah, what?" "Sorry to wake you." " Z is for Zombie." " What?" "I finished my novel." "I stayed up for 14 straight hours." "I even peed in water bottles." "We have a bathroom." "Wow, you dedicated it to me." ""To Winston." "Have a nice summer." "Hope to see you ag..."" "Really?" "I just want to say right now, the black guy dies early-- his name is William-- but don't take offense;" "It's a staple of the genre." "I can't take this-- too much anxiety." "I'm going to my room." "Hey, Winston, are you reading it?" "Hey." "Oh, hey." "I knew it." "I knew you'd choose me to get you pregnant." "Yep, let's go." "(Laughing):" "Jess." "(Both laugh)" "Schmidt." "I think I may have been in love with Cece." " You are in love with Cece." " You think?" "Can't believe I have to have feelings to have good sex." "I was hoping I'd be dead before this happened." "Hey, why are we all hanging out in my room and sitting on my bed?" "Nick, this is the worst thing I have ever read in my entire life." "You misspelled the word "rhythm"" "38 times." " Z is for Zombie?" " Yeah, Z Is for Zombie." " The zombie novel." " Yeah." ""Rhythm" is a tough word." " Don't feel bad about that." " Yeah, thanks, man." " Did you get to the word search?" " Yeah." "(Laughing):" "I put a word search in the novel, but the joke's on you." "There aren't any words in there, so you're just gonna be staring at letters, you idiot." "But you know what?" "You finished it, and for that, my friend, I'm proud of you." " Thank you, I did finish it, I finished something." " Yeah, you finished something." "Read it out loud, Winston." "(Chanting):" "Read it out loud." "SCHMIDT AND JESS:" "Read it out loud." " Read it out loud..." " Okay, I'll read this damn thing; you asked for it." "This might be humiliating." ""No one in the sleepy mountain town of 'Writhe-em' City..."" "That's Rhythm City." ""...knew what the meteor meant, but the one thing" "Mike Jr. did have was a whole lot of 'rittems.'"" " Rhythm." " No, yeah." " "'Whoa, what bit me in the face?" "' Mike Jr. said to his dad Mike Sr., who sucks."" "Sucks" " Mike Sr. sucks." "It's a major theme throughout this." ""Mike Sr. sucks a whole bunch, much more than his neighbor Rallo."" "Never stop reading this." ""'Zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo." ""'Who let them zombies out that damn zombie zoo?" "Uh-oh, watch your back, Laura.'"" "And I guess Laura is another character that he introduces, but that's it." "And here's the word search." "NICK:" "Yeah, good luck, you idiot."