"[ Sleigh bells jingling ]" "Casey:" "Just take it easy on him." "" " Casey..." "" " I'm saying as a f riend." "Why do you think I'm gonna go off the deep end?" "'Cause that's what you do." "That's not what I do." "" " It is, and I'm saying that you -- " " He's my brother." "" " Yes." "" " And if I want to go off the deep end," "I'll go off the deep end." "You have every right to be upset." "Thank you, Casey." "Thank you f or granting me that permission." "" " Do you see how you'r e snapping at me?" "" " Yes." "" " And I'm not your little brother, and I didn't just get busted?" "" " Yes." "" " This is what I mean by going off the deep end." "" " Okay." "You see how I'm getting r eady f or the show right now?" "Yes." "And that's what you should be doing, too?" "Yes." "That's what I mean by "Mind your own business."" "Look, Dana " "You know what?" "My brother just got busted by the league f or steroids, and my show not only broke, but will continue to r eport the story." "I think, under the circumstances," "I'm keeping it pr etty well together." "I agr ee." "My concern is the eruption that'll occur when he shows up tomorrow night." "Let's go." "To say nothing of the staff." "What about the staff?" "Well, I think they've noticed." "" " What?" "" " That you'r e a little edgy." "" " Is that right?" "" " Yeah." "" " They've noticed that?" "" " Yeah." "Tell the staff they'r e gonna notice my boot in their ass if they don't give me some room and shut the hell up." "" " Mmm, I'll pass it around." "" " Thanks." "" " Hey." "" " Hey." "" " I'm your secr et Santa." "" " I'm sorry?" "I picked your name." "I'm your secr et Santa." "It's not much of a secr et now, is it?" "Nope." "Cat's out of the bag." "Tell me what you want by the end of tomorrow." "If it's less than 50 bucks, and they sell it within two blocks of the building, it's yours." "You'r e r eally swept up into the spirit of the season, ar en't you?" "Yeah, yeah." "Two minutes!" "Chris:" "1A and 5..." "Stand by sound." "What ar e you doing Christmas Eve?" "We've got a show on Christmas Eve." "" " After the show." "" " I don't know." "I'm thinking about going to Midnight Mass." "" " Yeah?" "" " Thinking about it." "Eight years of Hebr ew school wer en't enough f or you?" "I hear they put on a good show." "The original cast, maybe, but that thing's been running f or a little while now." "I suppose." "[ Sighs ] [ Snaps fingers ] Babe Ruth." "" " We'r e not naming Babe Ruth athlete of the century." "" " Why not?" " 'Cause he wasn't." "" " He could play." "" " He could hit." "" " He could hit f ar." "" " He had to hit f ar 'cause you know what he couldn't do?" "Run." "" " What?" "" " Thank you, Alyson." "Dave:" "Roll VTR. 60 seconds." "Let me toss one out her e -- Babe Didrikson Zaharias." "" " Hurdles?" "" " And javelin." "Who car es about hurdles?" "I'm saying when you add in the javelin, though " "No." "Babe Didrikson Zaharias, athlete of the century." "She's not athlete of the century, Danny." "So f ar, she ranks second in a list of athletes named Babe." "" " You won't come with me to Midnight Mass?" "" " No." "Ther e'll be singing." "Dave: 30 seconds." "You still seem kind of edgy." "" " I'm not." "" " You sur e?" "Yes." "And bef or e?" "Wasn't then, either." "" " Dana?" "" " Yes?" "" " My asking you if you'r e edgy -- " " Yes?" "is it making you mor e edgy?" "I'm not edgy, so I can't be more edgy." "Okay." "Anybody know which of these coff ees is mine?" "They'r e all the same, ar en't they?" "No, I spit in mine." "That was a little test to see if you're edgy." "Natalie " "And you'r e edgy." "Thank you." "In 3...2..." "Good evening." "From New York City," "I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall." "Those stories, plus..." "[ Sleigh bells jingling ]" "Hey." "How you doin'?" "Good." "I was wondering if you had a chance to look at it." "Yes." "And?" "It's good." "That's all?" "It's ex cellent." "" " You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?" "" " No." "My r eel." "[ Taps ] Yes." "My audition tape." "Yes, Natalie, it's..." "very good." "You haven't watched it yet." "" " No." "I'm sorry." "" " Dan!" "" " This is important to me." "" " I know it is." "When have I not been ther e f or you?" "You've never not been ther e f or me, I -- " " I'm coming to you f or guidance." "" " And guidance you will get." "" " What's goin' on?" "" " Dan's a loser." "What ar e you in her e f or?" "" " I'm coming to him f or guidance." "" " Okay." "You know what you want yet?" "Yeah, I've been vacillating" "Name it by sundown, or you'r e getting socks." "Okay." "" " She's my secr et Santa." "" " Yeah?" "Like something out of a f airy-tale dr eam." "" " I got Jer emy." "" " I got Isaac." "" " What ar e you getting him?" "" " What, indeed?" "See, her e's my problem -- " " Casey?" "" " Yeah?" "Know bef or e you wade hip-deep into this that I don't r eally car e what your problem is." "I'm gonna go talk to Isaac." "" " Thanks f or stopping by." "" " You bet." "[ Sleigh bells jingling ]" "[ Knock on door ]" "" " Yes?" "" " How you doin'?" "Good." "I am your secr et Santa." "Not much of a secr et anymor e." "Be that as it may, I am gonna get you a gift you'll like this year." "I always like the gifts you get me." "" " No, you don't." "" " Yes, I do." "Then how come you never wear anything?" "You got me a blender last year." "" " That was a good blender." "" " Yeah, I know." "" " It had 12 speeds." "" " It was a good blender." "Could have run that thing at Le Mans." "I'm not wearing the damn blender, Casey." "" " Yeah, but you're not using it, either." "" " How do you know?" "Well, because if you'r e using it, you'd come in, you'd say," ""hey, I used the blender this weekend." "We barbecued."" "I can barbecue in the blender?" "Well, next to the blender." "" " I use the blender." "" " No, you don't." "Well, I don't blend that much." "What do you want?" "" " Anything." "" " Isaac." "Anything you get me will be fine!" "That's not good enough." "A cheese grater." "What?" "Get me a cheese grater." "Really?" "Yeah, I love to grate cheese." "A lot of different kinds, Casey, and they're not cheap." "I had no idea you had this kind of love f or, uh..." "" " Cheese?" "" " Yeah." "Oh, yeah." "I'm your guy." "Ther e's no getting around that." "Jim Thorpe." "" " Maybe." "" " It's gotta be Jim Thorpe." "He's on the list." "" " He was the gr eatest athlete in the world." "" " We heard you." "" " You know what King Gustav V of Sweden said to Jim Thorpe?" "" " What?" "He said, "Sir, you ar e the gr eatest athlete in the world."" "Thank you." "Natalie?" "Senor Edson Arantes Di Nascimento..." "" " No." "" " Known to his f riends as Pelé." "It's not gonna be Pelé." "Don't you think bef or e you dis my choice," " you should do f avors that people have asked you to do?" "" " I'm getting to it." "5-minute tape -- he's had it f or 3 days." "It's not gonna be Pelé." "Gr eatest player ever at the most popular sport in the world." "Do you know how many times you'd have to kill me bef or e I'd name a soccer player athlete of the century?" "Let's find out." "I'm gonna look at the tape." "" " It's important to me." "" " I hear you." "Let's come back with some mor e ideas." "Next rundown's at 6:00." "What did I miss?" "Jim Thorpe and Pelé." "Do you know what King Gustav V of Sweden said about Jim Thorpe?" "Yeah, as a matter of f act, we do." "Okay." "Dana?" "I know what to get Isaac." "What?" "A cheese grater." "" " Really?" "" " Yeah." "Yeah, you think he's gonna like a cheese grater?" "Well, in f act, he told me he would -- with a restaurant-grade, die-cast, stainless-steel granulating drum." "Okay." "I looked in a catalog." "[ Banging ]" "Dana..." "Leave me alone." "" " When's he getting her e?" "" " Later." "It's not like you don't see this in sports all the time." "I don't see it in my f amily all the time." "The guy's a 2 40-pound linebacker dealing with a 350-pound pulling guard, Dana, who's probably also souped up." "Kyle's just trying to keep himself in the game." "He's tr" "Don't def end him, and don't tell me how to be." "He was part of a conspiracy to buy steroids that God knows what side eff ects and long-term damage could cause." "He's gonna get suspended f or eight games, so ther e goes the postseason." "He's making just over league minimum, and he's gonna get hit with probably a $50,000 fine, and, if the local D.A. f eels like running f or something next year, he could also go to jail, to say nothing of the f act" "that his name is now also synonymous with everything that's bad about sports." "And all I'm saying is he's got enough people telling him that right now -- papers, talk radio, agents, lawyers, the league, his teammates, his sister's own television show, and maybe he doesn't need any mor e guests at that party." "And maybe...the best role that you can play right now is as his sister, Dana, is all I'm saying." "That, and don't be so edgy." "I'm not edgy." "[ Scoff s ]" "I'm not edgy!" "[ Door slams ]" "[ Sighs ]" "[ Glass crunching under f eet ]" "Well..." "[ Clears throat ] that'll need to be fix ed." "[ Sleigh bells jingling ]" "" " Hello." "" " Hello." "" " I've looked at the tape." "" " For r eal?" "Quiz me." "What's the third segment?" "Yankee Stadium." "What am I wearing?" "Red flannel Vinatelli suit with pearl stud earrings." "How many segments ar e alr eady " "I've watched the tape." "Thank you." "I liked it." "I was r eally impr essed." "But?" "No buts " " I thought it was r eally good." "You made some changes f rom the old tape." "" " Yes." "" " I liked them." "You thought it was good?" "l-I r eally did." "That r eally means a lot to me, Danny." "" " I mean it." "" " So you'll talk to Dana?" "" " About what?" "" " Putting me in the pool." "For substitute anchor?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "When?" "" " T-This very day." "" " Hey." "Hey, Casey." "I love you, Danny." "You're the best." "" " Hang on." "" " What?" "I thought I was the best." "Things change." "Eh." "Let me tell you about my cheese-grater experience." "I need to talk to you." "Well, is it mor e important than my cheese-grater experience, because let me tell you " "Almost anything that would summon the energy f or me to speak is gonna be mor e important than your cheese-grater experience." "What?" "So, I looked at Natalie's r eel." "And?" "It was fine." "" " But you told her it was gr eat." "" " Yes." "" " You told her you had no notes." "" " Yes." "You said it was f antastic." "I bolster ed her confidence." "You lied to her." "Not so much lying as I j-- " " Dan..." "" " It's what I do." "" " You'r e such a nimrod." "" " I know." "What ar e you gonna do?" "[ Sighs deeply ]" "I don't know." "[ Laughs ]" "" " Secr etariat..." "Natalie:" "No." "" " Why?" "" " Secr etariat was a horse." "Thanks for clearing that up." "He won the final leg of the '73 Triple Crown by 31 lengths." "He was the most successf ul horse in the history of racing, and the most successf ul stud as well." "Hey, if that's gonna be the criteria, then why don't we " "When he died, they did an autopsy." "You know what they f ound?" "Unless you say Jesse Owens, you'r e not gonna win this argument." "They f ound his heart was twice the size of a normal one." "Secr etariat died of an enlarged heart?" "No, I'm saying he had the heart of a champion." "And I'm saying he had the heart of a horse." "Is it possible we'r e going about this all wrong?" "I wouldn't put it past us." "" " Instead of athlete of the century..." "" " Wait f or it." "athlete of the millennium." "Athlete of the millennium." "" " Yes." "" " You're saying we go back to the court of Ferdinand and Isabella and look f or " "Sur e." "Ferdinand, the Aztecs," "Richard the Lionheart -- Genghis Khan could bring it." "" " Anything else?" "" " No." "" " No." "" " No." "Back in two hours." "Sir Thomas Mor e." "" " Jer emy?" "" " Yeah?" "Can I talk to you f or a moment?" "Sur e." "The Plantagenets, you know, wer e very tough to beat." "Okay, so, listen, so I looked at Natalie's r eel." "Yeah?" "And it's good, but she wants me to r ecommend her to Dana f or a spot in the rotation, and, while I definitely think she'll get ther e one day, she's not ther e yet." "Tell her that." "" " You think?" "" " Be honest." "Well, the thing is -- " " It's too late f or that?" "" " Yeah." "" " You got to tell her." "This is important to her." "" " I know." "I know." "If you don't tell her, I'm gonna have to." "It's f unny you should bring that up." "In your dr eams." "I'd like you to bear in mind that I am your secr et Santa." "" " What ar e you getting me?" "" " I was gonna take you to Midnight Mass." "Talk to her, Danny." "Yeah...yeah." "Casey:" "Isaac." "Yes, sir?" "" " I've been shopping." "" " I can see that." "You would be amazed at how many diff er ent kinds of cheese graters ther e ar e." "After working with you f or 3 1/2 years, very little amazes me." "Now, I bought 12 of the best cheese graters I could find." "I thought you could pick the one you want, and then I'll just give the r est to, you know, people who need cheese graters." "Plenty of those people around the holidays." "Yeah." "Anyway, I thought you'd know which one was best, so if you want to just -- " " Casey?" "" " Yeah?" "I don't know anything about cheese graters." "Uh, what do you mean?" "I mean, I'm no mor e qualified to pick a good " "You said you like to grate cheese." "Well, it's not something I hate." "Isaac, I wanted to get you something that you wanted." "I don't like instructing people on what to buy me." "Yeah, but then you end up with a cheese grater." "Mmm, I love my cheese grater." "Which one?" "Grab that one off the top." "[ Sighs ]" "A f amous monk once said, "I don't always know" ""what the right thing to do is, my Lord," ""but I think the f act that I want to please you pleases you."" "But you would have pr ef err ed a book of f amous monk quotations." "No, you put some thought into me." "What could be a gr eater gift?" "I look like an idiot." "Added bonus." "Yeah, I suppose." "You know, ther e's still plenty of time left." "I'm gonna find you something you want." "Mm-hmm." "See you later." "Okay." "[ Groans ]" "" " Hey, ther e." "" " Hi." "How you doin'?" "" " I'm late f or a rundown." "So ar e you." "" " Yeah." "Uh, did you talk to Dana yet?" "" " Natalie?" "" " Yeah?" "You've got a lot of potential." "You know your stuff, you can write, and you look good." "" " So what's the problem?" "" " You'r e a couple of years away f rom being r eady." "[ Chuckles ] A couple of years?" "Yeah, if you'r e lucky." "" " Dan, you..." "" " I was blowing you off bef or e." "I'm sorry." "" " A couple of years?" "" " Yeah." "Why?" "'Cause that's how hard it is to make this look easy." "I once thought being a field-goal kicker looked easy till 11 guys running after me demonstrated why I should never try it again." "Ar e you telling me to never try it again?" "No, I'm telling you that "A" -- it wasn't as easy as it looked, and "B" -- if I'd have kept at it despite early f rustrations," "I might have been a field-goal kicker." "Is that what you r eally wanted to do?" "No, I wanted to do this." "What do you want to do?" "Just something mor e." "Then keep doing what you'r e doing, 'cause you'r e heading in the right dir ection." "Thanks, Danny." "Sur e." "Ow." "" " That was f or lying to me all day." "" " I w" "And that was f or doing it during this holiday season of peace and joy." "Okay." "We have a meeting." "Thank you." "Melankomas -- he f ought in the year 49 A.D." "Melankomas." "Melankomas of Caria." "He was 53-0." "So was Jersey Joe Walcott." "Yes, but the diff er ence is this " "Melankomas won all 53 of his fights without ever throwing a punch." "He never thr ew a punch?" "He never thr ew a punch, and he never got hit." "" " I don't understand." "" " Me, neither." "" " He won 53 fights without ever throwing a punch or without ever getting hit?" "" " Yes." "Would he just talk his way into the opponent surr endering?" "Possibly." "If that's the case, then "Sports Night"'s certainly f ound its poster boy." "If he f ought in 49 A.D., then he's 1,000 years too young." "Melankomas is the athlete of the last millennium." "You see, I say he was man enough f or both millennia." "I say we go with Muhammad Ali and be done with it." "" " Muhammad Ali!" "" " Muhammad Ali!" "" " Muhammad Ali!" "[ Telephone rings ]" "Ali's gr eat, but I still say he wouldn't get by Melankomas." "Not unless he, you know, hit him once." "[ Laughter ]" "What's next?" "" " Dana?" "" " Yeah?" "Your brother's her e." "He's in your office." "Thank you." "I'll be back in a minute." "[ Telephones ringing ]" "I was thinking -- if you want -- you could make a tape of my f avorite songs -- you know, a party mix, something I could play in the car." "It'd be kind of f un f or you 'cause then you could go around asking people what my f avorite songs ar e, like a little holiday detective." "Her e." "Socks." "Yeah." "Ex cellent." "Hey." "Hey." "" " Dana, I'm -- " " Shut up." "I'm so mad at you I could cry." "Mom and Dad ar e totally f r eaked." "I'm gonna see them at the end of the week." "" " K yle..." "" " I'm sorry." "Do you r emember the hours, the years, the studying, the weight rooms, the practices, the two-a-days " "You don't have to tell me how hard it is to play pro ball, Dana." "I play pro ball." "Who turned you on to this stuff?" "" " Dana..." "" " I know that locker room." "" " Was it Jason?" "" " Listen..." "Was it Jason?" "It's not important." "What the hell kind of judge ar e you of what's important?" "I have stood and cheer ed f or you since you wer e 10 years old, f rom the second you picked up a f ootball." "I have lived and died with your games." "I walked around her e last Monday night strutting." ""Did you see my brother play?"" "I've had to r eport this idiot story f our days straight." "Do you have any idea the kind of " "You look tir ed." "I'm a little tir ed, yeah." "[ Sniff s ]" "[ Sighs ] You got a lot of people mad at you." "" " Yeah." " [ Sighs ]" "" " Your teammates?" "" " Yeah." "" " The f ans?" "" " Yeah." "Mom and Dad?" "Yeah." "I'm not done being your big sister yet and it seems to me that these ar e the moments that big sisters get paid f or, so...what do you say" "I be the one person in your lif e that isn't pissed at you right now?" "It's gonna be okay." "You'r e gonna f ace the music, and you'll work hard in the off-season, and you'll be back, only this time, not quite so stupid." "[ Chuckles softly ]" "Meantime..." "I'm your sister, and I'm her e f or whatever you need." "[ Chuckles ]" "Come say hi to everyone." "No, no, no, I don't think I should." "It'll be fine." "I can't f ace Casey and Dan." "They want to see you." "Natalie: 60 seconds live." "They sing, they dance, they pray, they tell stories." "They don't dance." "How do you know?" "Do they dance?" "" " At Midnight Mass?" "No." "" " Yeah." "Tell him." "They don't dance, Danny." "All right, well, they sing and tell stories." "Look who's her e." "Hey." "How you doin'?" "Okay." "I'll be inside." "How you holdin' up?" "Oh..." "I f eel like an idiot." "Welcome to my world." "You got the right lawyer?" "I think so." "I've -- I've never been in this " "Well, talk to me after the show." "You should get the guy that handled my ex-wif e in the divorce." "Yeah?" "Yeah, I wash his car every Sunday." "Thanks." "Dana's a good girl." "Yep." "Dave: 30 seconds live." "I'll go back." "Dave: 15 seconds live." "Dana:" "Show me Denver and sound on 40." "Denver's up." "Thanks." "Merry Christmas." "In 3...2..." "Good evening." "From New York City," "Those stories, plus the Sonics are super and the Ducks ar e mighty." "The childr en wer e all tucked saf e in their beds as visions of sugarplums danced in their heads." "You'r e watching a holiday edition of "Sports Night" on CSC, so stick around." "Dave:" "We're out." "[ Rock music plays ]"