"(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Right, Mr Yamaguchi's on his way up now with his lovely wife." "As you know he's thinking of investing in us." "And if he does, it'll be the best thing that happened to this company since old Gladys the cook burnt down the canteen." "(CHUCKLING)" "She wasn't a bad cook." "Are you having a laugh?" "Is she having a laugh?" "(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)" "Oh, be fair, Ray." "She wasn't that bad." "We all loved her milky puddings." "Oh, be fair, Ray." "She wasn't that bad." "We all loved her milky puddings." "Not when they dragged in the mash, we didn't." "Now, I don't want you and your team mucking things up for me." "You've prepared the traditional Japanese cuisine, have you?" " Yes." "It's here." " Right." "But I'm still not sure you should have let Gobbler organise" " the traditional Japanese entertainment." " Why?" "What's he planning?" " Well..." " No time." "Here they come." "Mr Yamaguchi." "Hello, hello." " This is Rita and my team." " Hi." "We've prepared some traditional Japanese cuisine." "Welcome." "I hope you like it." "(EXCLAIMS)" " Lovely." " Well done, Rita." "And now for your delectation, may I present Gobbler and Kimberley with some traditional Japanese entertainment." "What the..." "Ooh..." "# Ching Chang Chinaman milked a cow" "# Ching Chang Chinaman didn't know how" "# Ching Chang Chinaman pulled the wrong tit" "# Ching Chang Chinaman covered in shit!" "#" "(IN BARITONE) # Oh, I'm all done covered in" "(IN BARITONE) # Oh, I'm all done covered in" "# Shit #" "(CLEARS THROAT)" "What do you think?" "Is he having a raugh?" "Ooh!" "# Tick tock, alarm clock I'm gonna be late" "# Porridge, toast, kids, car Bloody school gate" "# Factory floor, what a chore Another week's graft" " # And 50 times a day I hear" " RAY:" "Are you having a laugh?" "# Whatever happened to my dreams?" "Is this the life I chose?" "# The highlight of my ruddy day is when the whistle blows" "# When the whistle blows When the whistle blows" "# When the whistle blows When the whistle blows" "# When the whistle blows When the whistle blows" "# When the whistle blows When the whistle blows" "It's bad." "# When the whistle blows #" " It's not bad, is it?" " It is." "No, no." "Bad suggests that, you know, it's evil or something." "You know, it's not..." "It's poor, it's rubbish, you know." "It's..." "It's shit." " It's a shit sitcom." " It's a shit-com." "We've sorted that out." "Thanks very much." " That's the career over." " That's what one of the reviewers said!" "Shouldn't really..." "No, I shouldn't really joke about it." "It's not..." "What are reviews like?" "If I was being kind, I'd say it was a mixed bag." " Let me have a look." " Really?" "Yeah." "Let me see them." " Bar?" " Yo!" " Can you bring some of the reviews in?" " Why has he got them?" "Got to do something with his mornings, hasn't he?" " Found another one." " Oh, have you?" "Er, "Perhaps it's unfair to judge a sitcom on its first episode," ""but when a TV programme makes you want to" ""gouge out your own eyes rather than watch one more minute," ""you know it's probably not your cup of tea."" " Ouch." "Go on." "Pop it in the scrapbook." " No." "Don't pop it in the scrapbook." " Put good ones in the scrapbook." " What..." "What good ones?" " What, there's no good ones?" " Best one was the Telegraph." " What did they say?" " They didn't review it." "See you later, B." "Career's over." "Well, no, despite what they say, the viewing figures were really good, 6.2 million." "Six million people watched it last night and yet none of these liked it?" "These people know about comedy, don't they?" "They know what they're talking about, but the general public, I mean..." "You said if you get your own show, the offers would come flooding in." "You said the phone would never stop ringing." "Have you had any phone calls at all?" " No." " No." " Oh, no." "What am I talking about?" "Sky called." " And?" "They say they can put your dish up Thursday." "(PHONE RINGING)" " Hello." " What are you doing?" "I'm actually flicking through the phone book and I'm pointing my finger on a random page" "I'm actually flicking through the phone book and I'm pointing my finger on a random page to see what my name could be if I wanted to change it." " What have you got?" " PB Grout." " Good." "As long as you're filling your days." " CT Punchaganowno." " Good." "As long as you're filling your days." " CT Punchaganowno." "But I don't look like a Punchaganowno." " Are you hungry?" " Yeah." " Greasy spoon?" " Yeah." " Where am I meeting you?" " Garage in 10 minutes?" "Yep." "Do you want to hear one more?" " Oh, go on." " TP Bronze..." " Hi." " Hi." " Are you moving in?" " Yeah." "Oh, good." "I mean, do you want a hand?" " No." "I'm fine." " Phew." "I'm Andy by the way." "I live here, obviously." " I live on the 2nd floor, 21." " Okay." " I'm Cathy." " Oh, nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." " Welcome to the building." " Thanks." "It's nice to see someone under 40." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "I thought I'd moved into an old people's home." "No." "There are some oldies in there, some over 40s, but they're quiet." " Got the old telly there." "Watch a lot of telly?" " I don't, no." "No?" "Last night, BBC One?" " No?" " No." "Some good stuff on." " Okay." " Okay." "Well, if you need someone to show you around at all, just come and..." " Thanks." "That'd be nice." " Oh, good..." " All right." " Okay." " See you later." " See you, bye." " I saw it last night." " And?" "Yeah." "It was good." " Are you just saying that?" " No." "Too long a pause." "If you're gonna lie, lie well." "Bits of it were funny." " It doesn't count." "You laugh at anything." " What?" "I found you laughing to yourself once, and I said, "What are you laughing at?"" " And you said, "My toes."" " Oh, yeah." "Ha!" "They are funny, though, the way they waggle." "It's you that's making them waggle." " Spare any change?" " Sorry, mate." " Okay." "Have a nice day." " Cheers." " And good luck with the show, Andy!" " Cheers." "How does he know who I am?" "Where does he watch the show, through Dixons' window?" "You've been in all the magazines." " Oh, he reads heat, does he?" " Everybody reads heat." "Everybody reads heat." "Now I'll have to start giving money to the homeless." "Why?" "'Cause I don't want people to say Andy Millman hates the poor." "You don't just hate the poor, you hate everyone." "That's why it's so unfair." "Sorry, but I've only got, like, 8p in change, or a 20." " Just give him the 20." " No." "He said change." " You said change, didn't you?" "Cheers." " Yeah, whatever." "Your TV show's doing all right, though, is it?" " Yeah, yeah." " Good, good." "Pay well?" "Yeah, erm..." "Haven't you got anything else?" "Have you got like a quid?" " You haven't got a ten and five, have you?" " I haven't." " Of course he doesn't." "He's homeless." " I know he's homeless." "I'm not blind." "(GROANING)" "(SIGHING)" "Twenty for nothing." " Is that the most you've ever been given?" " One bloke gave me 50 once." "That is mental!" "That is..." "He must have been a pervert." "Twenty quid, though." "Considering your average is probably what, 20p or something." "I do come past here quite a lot, so we'll count that as a few goes." "I do come past here quite a lot, so we'll count that as a few goes." "Can't do that every day." "Say it's, I don't know, three months of leaving me alone." " Leaving you alone?" " No." "If you're gonna have this attitude, I don't want it." " No, no." " No, seriously." "Take it back." "I don't want it." "I'm just saying I couldn't do that..." "What will you say to people about this?" "I'll probably say, "Don't ask Andy Millman for money" ""because he'd only give it to you begrudgingly."" "Well, no, say that I offered you 20, the second most you've ever been given, and then I insulted you and you made me take it back." "But mention the 20 in any anecdote slagging me off." " Oh, just take it." "Just take it, it's fine." " Fine." " Nice aftershave, by the way." " Cheers." " What is it?" " Calvin Klein." "Apparently Vernon Kay uses that." "Okay, cheers." "Why are we walking back this way?" "This is the way we came." "Now I've got to walk past him again." "You..." " See you later." " Yeah." "Oh, walked too fast." " You did?" " Yeah." "Oh!" "She's moving into my block." "I spoke to her earlier." "I think there's a bit of a vibe, right?" "I'm gonna go and talk to her." "You come over, okay?" "Just ask for an autograph..." "Yeah, and just say something like, "I think you're the most amazing actor on TV."" "You're already using your new powers for evil." " You've got to use what you can." " Fair enough." "Hello." "Need any help here?" "Thank you." "A big, strong man's just what I need." "Will I do?" " Yeah!" " Excuse me?" " Are you Andy Millman?" " Yeah." "Star of the new sitcom When The Whistle Blows?" " Yeah." " Can I get your autograph, please?" "No worries." " Who's it to?" " Me." "Yeah, but I don't know your name, do I?" "(LAUGHING)" " Maggie." " Maggie." "Can I just say that I think you're the most amazing comedy actor on television?" "Oh!" "Not amazing!" " But that's what you told me to say." " Shut up." "Okay." "How many have you got?" "Did he ask you to come over and say that?" " I don't know." " You don't know if he asked you to say it?" "No." "I don't know." "Are you friends?" " Are we friends?" " Yeah." "Unlikely." " Well, we have met." " Have we?" "Oh..." "Yeah." "I didn't..." "Changed your..." "Hello, you all right?" "I didn't realise." "Are you, um..." "Are you still..." "Hello, you all right?" "I didn't realise." "Are you, um..." "Are you still..." "Those aren't going to move themselves." "See you later." " Andy, am I coming with you?" " Yeah." " Are you still thinking about the reviews?" " Yes, the terrible, terrible reviews." " Are you still thinking about the reviews?" " Yes, the terrible, terrible reviews." "Think about the good ones." "What am I gonna do now?" "I'll never get over this." "I'll just spend years and years trying to claw back credibility by doing anything, just popping up in bad films trying to claw back credibility by doing anything, just popping up in bad films and charity events, just begging forgiveness." "They'd forgive you if you did Celebrity Fit Club." " Brilliant." "What else?" "What else could I do?" " There's Celebrity Love Island." "Why would I do a show that when I watched it, I was praying for a tsunami?" "Oh." " Do you want to just go to the pub?" " Yeah." "That's the beginning." ""Depressed TV star drinks himself to death."" "Oh, don't be daft." "You're not a star." "And being fat will kill you before the drink does." "Are you sure you can come to the pub?" "You're not manning the phones at the Samaritans tonight?" " No." " No?" "Okay, pub it is, then." "MAGGIE:" "Right, here's one." "Who would you rather fight and have a decent chance of winning, a big fat hairy silver-backed gorilla or a Thomson's gazelle?" "a big fat hairy silver-backed gorilla or a Thomson's gazelle?" "Well, the gazelle." "I know, but you'd have to catch it first because they're like..." "Well, I wouldn't catch it." "I turned up for the fight, it ran away, I win." "Not my problem." "Well, I wouldn't catch it." "I turned up for the fight, it ran away, I win." "Not my problem." " Oi, oi." " Oh." "Don't look at me like that." "Little bit of good news here." " All right, Shaun?" " All right?" "Barry and I were scouring the internet and we found a glowing review of your sitcom." " Really?" " Listen to this." ""This charming story of lovable, larger-than-life characters" ""will please all the family." "This is a delightful woodland romp" ""with many of the best scenes featuring a roly-poly toad."" "Give me that." "This is a review of Wind In The Willows." "What's yours called, then?" "Oh, When The Wind Blows is his." " Whistle!" " Whistle." "Yeah." " I said that was a picture of a frog, didn't I?" " It's got the same throat." "Yeah, I know, yeah." "Well, you can see where we went wrong, yeah." "I'm going to get a drink." " Have a look." " He's a ringer." " Oh, yeah." "Except he's green." " Who?" "Andy or..." " The wee frog." " Oh, the frog." " God, it's you." " Hi." "Love it." " What are you doing here?" " Just having a drink." "Oh, so are we." "Amazing." " Do you live near here?" " Yeah." " Where?" " Just round..." " What street?" " It doesn't matter, does it?" " Just locally." "Just..." " I love your show." " Oh, good." "Cheers." " The wig, the glasses, the catchphrase." " Oh, good." "Cheers." " The wig, the glasses, the catchphrase." " Brilliant." " Thanks." " Everything about it." " Oh." "The wig." "The glasses." "The catchphrase." "Brilliant." "That's becoming quite a catchphrase itself." "Oh, the wig." " The glasses." " The glasses and the catchphrase." " Brilliant?" " Yeah." " Can I take a picture?" " Yeah." "(EXCLAIMING)" "You got a wig with you?" " No." " No." "Do the face, then." "Do the face." "Do the face." "(LAUGHING) Look at that!" "It works even without the wig or the glasses." "Can you do the catchphrase?" "It works even without the wig or the glasses." "Can you do the catchphrase?" " I'd rather not." " Do the catchphrase." " No." "It's just a bit..." " Do the catchphrase." "Just do the catchphrase!" " Okay, okay. "Are you having a laugh?"" " Do it properly." ""Are you having a laugh?" "Is he having laugh?"" " I love everything about it." " Cheers." "The wig, the glasses, the catchphrase." " Can I call my mate Pete?" " Why not?" "Oh, he'll love this." " You can't call the barman as well, can you?" " I haven't got his number." " You can't call the barman as well, can you?" " I haven't got his number." "Pete, what's your favourite catchphrase?" "He's only here." "Pete, what's your favourite catchphrase?" "He's only here." "Yeah." "Speak to him." " Speak to him." "No, speak to him." " I can't." " Just speak to him." " All right, Pete?" "How have you been, mate?" "Yeah." "Yeah?" "He likes that as well." "No, I haven't got the wig on me, no." "No." "Oh, Pete, I've got to go, mate, because life's too short." "Okay?" "Yeah, see you." "(GIGGLING)" "Huh?" "Yeah." "That was actually him, yeah." "Come down." " Ah, that's me." " Bring Ralph and Walnut." "And tell Count Fuckula." "Oh, yeah, he loves him." "Hold on, I've got to go." "Quick, quick, quick, Jilly." " By winning..." " Forget it, drink up." "We're going." " Why?" " Because I've just been spotted by something from The Hills Have Eyes." "Hello!" "Hello, mate, all right?" "How's it going?" "Darren Lamb, agent." "Nice to meet you." "This is my girlfriend, Jilly." "DARREN:" "Hello." "SHAUN:" "Hello, Jilly." " Oh, I recognise you." " Yes, possibly." " You did my mum's guttering, didn't you?" " Maybe, yeah." "Where does she live?" "Arundall Court, opposite the BP garage." "What's this?" "You didn't tell me anything about this." "What's going on here?" "How much did you get paid for that?" " Not much." " It was 200 quid." "Mum said he did such a good job she gave him a £20 tip." " 220 quid?" " I don't have to tell you everything." "You don't have to tell me everything." "No." "Although you're happy to tell me when you're sleeping in your car and you need to have a bath, then you can't keep your mouth shut, but this you're keeping shtum about?" "You're supposed to be my agent for acting, not bloody Artexing or whatever." "Rumbled!" "He said guttering." "Now it's Artexing!" "What else are you keeping from me?" "I'm appalled, I can't..." "This is scandalous, Barry." " Such a slap in the face." " Do you do roofing?" " Do you need some roofing done?" " No, it's too dangerous." "I'm not..." "Oh, I'm sorry." "You're turning down work now, are you?" "I'm sorry." "It seems that beggars can be choosers." "My mistake." "Unbelievable." "How much was it?" "220?" "Right, you owe me 27.50." " Can I give you a cheque?" " Yeah, if you must, yeah." "Unbelievable." "Here, I tell you this, if you like his show, you'll love this." "Right, have a look at that." "Just regular." "Turn it up the other way." " "Boobs."" " It's good, innit?" " How do you do that?" " It's just numbers." " What numbers?" " 58,008." "Have a look." "(GIGGLING) Boobs!" "Jilly, look." "58,008." "Boobs!" "(GIGGLING) Boobs!" "Jilly, look." "58,008." "Boobs!" " Let me have a wee look." " Yeah, have a look." "58,008..." "BOTH:" "Boobs." " You wanna get used to this, mate." " It's doing my head in." "I know, they see you on telly and they all want to be your best mate." "When I was on EastEnders we used to go to a place called Castro's." "It's quiet and they treat you well if they recognise you." " Let's go there." " Yeah, all right." " Here." " Cheers, mate." "Oi, oi, oi!" "Boing!" " Here." " Cheers, mate." "Oi, oi, oi!" "Boing!" "If it does, whose fault's that?" "Let's not talk about business, mate, in front of a couple of nobodies like this." "No disrespect." "Unbelievable." "I'm already annoyed with you, giving it backchat." "Anyway, give me your number." "We'll meet up again." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Don't touch me." " Excuse me." " Yeah, hi." "I used to come here a lot a few years ago." "I don't know if you remember me," " when I was in EastEnders?" " Yes, hi, how you doing?" " Greg's in here." " We don't have to speak to him." "Like he's not gonna come over and gloat." " Big, fat, smug face." " We're here now." "Shh." " It's fine." "You've just got to sign in." " Okay." " Oh, hello." "Look who it is." " Hi." " Hi, welcome." "Enjoyed the show last night." " Really?" "Yeah." "Mark, can you get Mr Millman to the VIP area, please?" " Oh, thanks very much." " No need to sign in." "That's fine." " Cheers." "Thanks." " Okay, enjoy." "Good." " Thank you." " Okay." "Ah, Andy Millman." "I can't stop, mate." "I'm going to the VIP area." " That's mine." "Take a seat." " Oh, that chair!" " Oh, more like it." "Thanks very much." " Can I get you anything to drink?" " Um, some champagne?" " Yeah!" " Can we get a bottle of champagne, please?" " No problem." "Finally, a little bit of respect." "Oh, God." "Look, David Bowie." "Oh, my God." "Unbelievable." "Don't look." " Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." " You just put us here." " David Bowie's here." " I know, but it's just really embarrassing." "(ANDY SIGHING)" " Quick sit down." " At least I had a sit down." "Quick little sit down, energy, back into it." " How's it going?" " Brilliant." "You?" "Excellent." "Doing Chekhov at the Wyndham, just been nominated for an Olivier Award, so..." "Doing Chekhov at the Wyndham, just been nominated for an Olivier Award, so..." "Ooh!" " How's your sitcom going?" " Brilliant." "Ratings are brilliant." " The reviews very harsh." "Very harsh." " Don't read reviews." "Don't bother." " No?" " No." "I think I've got one here, actually." "Sorry." "Can you just hold that?" "Don't hold..." " Being meaning to throw it away." " Throw it away, then." "Didn't get round to it." "Oh, no. "When The Whistle Blows." ""As I watched this abysmal time-warp comedy" ""I found myself expecting someone to shout, 'I'm free!" "'" ""and for Andy Millman to exclaim," ""'Hmm, Betty, the cat's just shat out the worst sitcom of all time."'" ""'Hmm, Betty, the cat's just shat out the worst sitcom of all time."'" "Don't really care about his opinion." "If I want an opinion, it won't be a snotty little reviewer, it'll be the people that count, the man on the street." " Yeah, he gave him 20 quid earlier." " Not that specific man on the street." "If you want to chase ratings, that's great." "I'd rather win the respect of my peers than get big ratings and everything..." "Both." "Get both." "Anyway, always nice to see you, mate." " You having a laugh!" " All right, mate." " Sitcom's shit, mate." " He's changed his tune." "Why..." " The man in the street, so fickle." " No." "He didn't have a bald head." "No, not that specific man." " Does that happen a lot?" " No, never." "It's all good usually." "So I..." "I tell you who's not having a laugh, the public." " Well, they are." " That's just rude." "It's not rude." "It's stupid." "It's ignorant." "To say that!" " He's a little ant to me." " I feel it's just social rudeness." "Well..." "Barry, don't look round, right, there's a couple of birds over there without drinks." " I think you know what to do." " Oh, yes." "Excuse me." "There's a couple of girls over there not drinking." "So I think you should probably tell them to either buy something or get out." "No, sorry." "That's a mistake." "No, I didn't mean that." "Sorry." "What I meant was we could buy them some drinks." "That's an in, isn't it?" " To start a conversation." " I thought you were worried they're taking up valuable space and costing him money." "Why would that concern me?" "The man's running a business." "The overheads are probably extortionate." " He probably makes a lot of money on food." " Don't give me that." "There's 20 pubs a day closing down in this country and it's due to people like that." "All right?" "What, and you're suddenly an expert, are you, on that?" "I don't know why it's your concern is what I'm..." "Leave it." "Ladies, pardon us, can I just introduce myself?" "Darren Lamb, agent to the TV actor Andy Millman," " star of the sitcom When The Wind Blows." " Whistle." "Whistle, thank you." "And do you remember this guy?" " It's only Barry off EastEnders?" " Hello." " Oh, yeah." "How's it going?" " Not so good, actually." "Things aren't quite panning out as I'd hoped." "Let's not talk about that now." "Let's not bring the mood down now." " A couple of sorts like this are up for it." " What do you mean, up for it?" "You're out and about, you know, no guys with you, you meet a couple of players like us, ships in the night, let's get down to business, who wants Barry off EastEnders?" " Neither of us." " You're out in the cold." "That's the story of me life." "My house was repossessed last..." "Let's not bring the mood down." "You're ruining it again." "I'm still in the frame." "Who wants Barry to walk them home while the other one comes home with me?" " Neither of us." " Okay, final scenario." "Listen to this, right." "Neither of you are interested in Barry, so obviously I choose the fit one." "No disrespect to you." "We all go back to mine." "Barry keeps you talking whilst you and I get down to it." "It will take, I swear to God, 10 minutes max." "I can get everything done in that time." "Then you get a cab fare home, anywhere you want to go, up to say a maximum value of £15." "Or you could walk home, pocket the cash, you've made a sweet, sweet profit." " So it's up to you." " No." "No?" "All right, Bar, forget it, mate." "Always know when to cut your losses." "Let's go." "I mean, he was actually a qualified surgeon if I'm not wrong." "Really?" "And he used to sing in the operating theatre." " No!" " That's where he got his first start because one of the patients he was operating on was an AR man from Decca Records." "You won't know Decca." "Sorry." "Can we?" "I'm getting a bit of hassle out here." "Can I just pop myself down there?" "Not really." "This is the VIP section." "Can you step away from the rope, sir?" "I know." "I was in there a minute ago." "I was a VIP a minute ago." " What happened?" " There's nothing I can do, sir." "Sorry." "Can you just step away from the rope?" "Come on." "I've got more in common with David Bowie than this rabble." " How do you work that out?" " We're both entertainers." "We've both done something with our lives." "I'm just..." "I don't think you can equate yourself to David Bowie." "He's one of the seminal artists of the last 35 years, doing work tantamount to genius," "He's one of the seminal artists of the last 35 years, doing work tantamount to genius, whereas you've just made a camp, catchphrase-based comedy." "Just got a bad review off a bouncer." " No." "I just know what I like." " Yeah?" "Do you like money?" " Sorry?" " Do you like money?" "20 quid." "Sorry." "You're trying to bribe me to sit next to David Bowie now?" "I'm giving you 20 quid to sit there in those spare seats." "No." "50?" " 50 quid?" " Yeah." "Let's see it." " You got a 10?" "I've only got 20s." " No." "Well, it's either 40 or 60, then." " 60, then." " 60, then." "That's for both of us." "Go and get a drink." "I haven't got any money now." " Hey, what are you doing in there?" " It's the VIP area, innit?" "Can we come in 'cause we're getting no action out here?" " It's a wasteland." " You're on your own." "I'm not made of money." "It's the same seat!" "It's actually the same seat for 60 quid!" "You paid 60 quid to go in here?" " You should've let me negotiate." " Your show's shit, mate." "They can still see me!" "There should be an actual barrier or something." "Let's go and sit next to David Bowie." "He's not getting any hassle." " We can't just sit next to him." " We'll just go and speak to him." " I don't know him, do I?" " Excuse me." " What are you doing?" " It's all right." "Excuse me." "Mr Bowie, can I just say that we're both very big fans?" "I can't hear you, love." "Come over here." "(WHISPERING) Come on, go, go!" "Budge up a bit, Linda." "Thank you." " Hi." " Hi, hi." "We were just saying that I'm an entertainer, too." "Oh, yeah?" "What do you do?" " I'm in a sitcom." " It's called When The Whistle Blows." " Have you seen it?" " I haven't, no." "Is it any good?" " MAN:" "No." "It's shit." " Oh, just riff-raff everywhere." " Not going down too well, huh?" " It's getting six million viewers..." "I mean, it's not exactly how I meant it to be because the BBC have interfered and sort of chased ratings and made it a lowest common denominator sort of comedy." "Sort of catchphrases and wigs and..." " I think I've sold out, to be honest, but..." " Yeah." "It's difficult, innit?" "When they..." "To keep your integrity when you're going for that first..." "# The little fat man who sold his soul" "The little?" "# Little fat man who sold his dream" "# Chubby little loser" "(PLAYING PIANO)" "# Chubby little loser" "# National joke #" "No, not chubby little loser." " No." " No." "# Pathetic little fat man" "# No one's bloody laughing" "# The clown that no one laughs at" "# They all just wish he'd die" "# He's so depressed at being useless" "# The fat man takes his own life" "BOWIE:" "No, no." "# He's so depressed at being hated" "# Fatty takes his own life" " Fatty?" "Fatso?" " Fatso, I like fatso." "Yeah, let's go with fatso." "# Fatso takes his own life" "# He blows his bloated face off" "No." "# He blows his stupid brains out" " But the twat'd probably miss!" " Yes, Linda." "I like that." "Yes, so do I. It's brilliant, Linda." "# He sold his soul for a shot at fame" "# He sold his soul for a shot at fame" "# Catchphrase and wig and the jokes are lame" "# He's got no style He's got no grace" "# He's banal and facile He's a fat waste of space #" "Yeah, yeah." "Everybody sing that last line." "One, two, three..." "ALL: # He's banal and facile He's a fat waste of space" "ALL: # He's banal and facile He's a fat waste of space" "# See his pug-nosed face" "# Pug, pug, pug, pug" "Again!" "ALL: # See his pug-nosed face" "# Yeah" "# Pug, pug, pug, pug" "Again!" "# See his pug-nosed face" "# Pug, pug, pug, pug" "# The little fat man with the pug-nosed face # See his pug-nosed face" "# Pug, pug, pug, pug" "# Little fat man, pug-nosed face # See his pug-nosed face" "# Hey, pug, pug, pug, pug" "# He's a little fat man, pug-nosed face # See his pug-nosed face" "# Pug, pug, pug, pug #" " What did you have for tea?" " Turkey." " Turkey!" "What else?" " Turkey, just turkey." " Just turkey!" "You can't have just turkey." " Turkey sandwiches." "Pint of Fosters." "MAGGIE:" "Hi." "A pint of Fosters and a dry white wine, please." "(PEOPLE LAUGHING)" "You've put some weight on." " BARMAN:" "That's 5.80, thanks." " 5.80?" "Are you having a laugh?" " It's him!" "It's him!" "It's Andy Millman." " All right?" " You all right?" " All right, mate?" "How's it going?" " This is Ralph." " Hello, mate." "You all right?" " Walnut." " Hiya." " And this is Count Fuckula." " All right." " Why do they call you that?" " Because if I see something," "I've got to fuck it." "I never stop." "Oh, yeah." " He never stops!" " He never stops!" " Can I just get your autograph?" " Oh, yeah, sure." "Get a picture, get a picture, get a picture." " Here, here, "I don't get it."" " It's Gobbler!" "It's Gobbler." " Here, here, "I don't get it."" " It's Gobbler!" "It's Gobbler." "Thanks." "(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS PLAYING)"