"Listen, I'll go get Fred and Ethel." "Oh, don't bother, honey." "They'll be right over." "Oh, all right." "Hey, you know something?" "We haven't played bridge since before we went to Europe." "I know." "I'll bet I've forgotten everything I ever knew about bridge." "Good, then maybe we can win." "Oh, pooh." "Well, why the formality?" "Come on in." "Really." "Yes?" "Senora Ricardo." "Senora Ricardo, it's so good to see you again." "It's so good to see you again, Senor Ricardo." "Uh, well, uh, it's good to see you again, too." "Yeah, yeah, it sure is." "You know, you said, "If ever you come to America, you must be sure and stop and say hello."" "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "Hello." "When I got off of the boat this morning from Italy," "I said to myself," ""Suppose the Ricardos don't remember me?"" "Oh, not remember you?" "Oh-ho, imagine not remembering him." "Yeah." "How about that?" "You..." "How could we possibly forget you?" "Yeah, good ol'... you." "Uh, Ricky, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?" "Make yourself at home." "Grazie." "Excusa momento." "Grazie." "Yeah." "Who is he?" "I don't know." "His face is awfully familiar, but I..." "I..." "Well, think." "Now, who do we know from Italy?" "I can't place him, honey." "I know." "Florence." "Florence who?" "Florence, Italy." "He's that friend of the Leders' that was so nice to us." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "So, you just got off the boat today, huh?" "That's right." "And New York, she's a beautiful city." "Yeah, well, not as half as beautiful as Florence, I'll bet." "By the way, how are things in Florence?" "I don't know." "I was never in Florence." "So, you just got off the boat today, huh?" "That's right." "And when I got off the boat in America," "I said to myself, I says, "Mario..."" "Mario." "Mario." "Mario?" "I said, "Mario, the first thing you got to do is to look up your old friends, the Ricardos and the Mertzes."" "Oh, the Mertzes." "The Mertzes!" "Well, they live right across the hall." "Yeah." "I'll go get them." "I'll go get them." "Yeah, they live..." "Ah!" "Uh, look who's here." "Mario!" "Yeah, Mario." "Mario, oh, how are you?" "Senora Mertz." "Oh, and Senor Mertz." "Man, what a surprise." "How's it going, boy?" "Fine." "Just fine." "Fred, Ethel, could we see you in the kitchen for a moment, please?" "Yeah." "Sit down, Mario." "Excusa minute." "Sit down." "Grazie." "Grazie." "Who is he?" "Don't you know?" "No." "Don't you?" "No." "I thought you did." "Oh, dear." "All we know is that his name is Mario, and he met us someplace in Europe." "Well, I got a clue." "What?" "What?" "He's Italian." "Listen, let's see if we can try to find out what-what city he's from." "That's a good idea." "Yeah, if we know the city, maybe we can place his face." "Yeah." "Yeah, huh?" "Well, we..." "we certainly enjoyed our trip through Italy." "Rome?" "Naples?" "Genoa?" "San Remo..." "Oh, San Remo!" "San Remo!" "San Remo!" "San Remo!" "Someday I would like to go there." "So, you just got off the boat today, huh?" "That's right." "And you know something?" "You haven't changed a bit." "You all look just like you look in the picture you gave me." "Picture?" "The one you took in my gondola on the Grand Canal." "Gondola!" "Grand canal." "Venice." "Mario!" "Mario, the gondolier!" "Ah, si, bueno." "Ah, si, Mario." "How long you gonna be in town?" "Well, just for few months." "Oh." "I-I come to surprise my brother Dominic." "Oh, that's right." "You told us you had a brother in New York." "Yeah." "That's right." "He was not there." "Oh?" "Somebody said he went to visit Sam Francesco." "I wrote it down on a piece of paper." "Ah... ah... ah, ah." "Maybe Mrs. Ricardo, maybe you can help me." "Sure." "How can I find this Sam Francesco?" "Well, let's see now..." "Well, my writing, she's not so pretty good." "No." "That's all right." ""44 West Third..."" "Oh, this isn't Sam Francesco." "It's San Francisco." "Who?" "Not "who," "what."" "San Francisco's a big city." "Oh... well, maybe you can tell me how I get there." "Can I, can I walk?" "Oh, not from New York, no." "It's 3,000 miles away." "Eh!" "Yes, you'll have to take a train or a plane or bus." "Yeah." "Train, plane... oh." "Well, I got $10." "Is she enough?" "Oh, no, I'm afraid she isn't." "No." "It's about $60 by bus." "$60." "Mama mia!" "Oh, well, now, Mario, don't worry." "We'll all chip in and help you." "Sure, Mario." "We'll give you the money." "Sure, we'll be glad to." "Won't we, Fred?" "Yeah, glad." "No, no, I'm sorry." "Borrowing is no way to start a vacation in America." "No." "Well, why not?" "That's the way" "Americans always start their vacations." "Besides, if we don't give you the money, how you going to get to see your brother?" "Yeah." "Well, I work." "I get a job and make the money to pay the... the bus." "Well, all right, Mario." "If you want to get a job, we'll help you get a job." "Sure." "Mario, what can you do?" "Well, I'm the best gondolier in all of Venice." "Oh, dear." "No, I'm afraid it's slack season for gondoliers in New York." "Unless you go down to Canal Street." "Fred." "Hey!" "I-I got an idea." "I know where he can get a job-- in Ricky's nightclub." "He can?" "Yeah." "He can work as a busboy." "He can?" "Sure." "He can make $60 in a couple of nights." "He can?" "Well, if he won't take the job, I will." "Uh, look." "You stay here with us and-and then you go to work tomorrow night." "$60 for two days." "My goodness." "America, she's a great country." "Good morning, honey." "Morning." "Where's Mario?" "I don't know." "He was gone when I got up." "Look, when he comes back, give him this check for $60 and put him on the bus." "Put him on the bus?" "Why?" "Is something wrong?" "Oh, no, no, no." "You and your bright ideas." "What happened?" "Well, first of all, he thought that the nightclub was in a canal in Venice." "What do you mean?" "He collected all the garbage and threw it out the window." "Well, now, that was a honest mistake." "That's just the beginning." "When I stopped singing "Babalu,"" "he stopped to applaud." "So what?" "I've seen busboys applaud before." "While they're carrying a tray full of dishes?" "Well, he's not the first busboy that ever drop a tray full of dishes..." "Wait, wait, there's more." "There's more?" "Yeah." "As he bent over to clean the mess that he had made, the maitre d' was coming in with a cake for some newlyweds." "Oh, no." "Oh, yeah." "He tripped over Mario, the whole thing went up in the air, and that bride and groom have the world's first upside-down wedding cake." "Oh, my goodness." "What happened to Mario then?" "The last I saw of Mario, the maitre d' and the chef each had him by an arm and they were carrying him out the back door." "Oh, dear." "So, just give him the $60 and put him on the bus." "Honey, I don't think he's ever gonna believe that he should get all this money for just one night's work." "Look, Lucy, he thought that America was a great country." "Well, just tell him that it's a little greater than he thought it was." "Maybe I can get another idea for a job..." "I can't afford any more of your ideas." "Oh, honey...." "Now, make up your mind." "It's either" ""Arrivederci, Mario or "Good-bye, Lucy."" "Oh, hi, Mario." "Buon giorno, Senora." "Um, Mario, I have good news for you." "Si, senora?" "You're going to be on your way to see your brother today." "Ricky left your pay with me." "My-my pay?" "Yeah, for last night at the club." "I can't take the money." "Why not?" "It's your pay." "No." "Last night, I'm a-get fire." "No, Mario." "You didn't get a-fire." "Yes, I'm a-get fire." "Mario, I think you misunderstood." "Ricky said that you..." "Please, Senora Ricardo, my English is not so pretty good, but... in my country, when two men grab me, push me to the door and kaploopa, I'm a-fire!" "Well, look, Mario, will you accept this money as a friendly gesture from our country to yours?" "Grazie a molto." "No." "How are you going to get to see your brother?" "I got good news, too." "I got another job." "Another job?" "Si." "I was taking a walk." "I pass by a pizza restaurant." "In the window, I see a sign that says, "somebody to make pizza."" "That's me." "I go inside, I get the job." "Well, that's just wonderful." "And now I stay three more days, make enough money to go see my brother Dominic in San Francisco." "Three more days..." "and nights." "Uh, excuse me." "Uh, sit down, Mario." "Grazie, grazie." "Could I see you in the kitchen for a minute?" "Ethel, how'd you like to play a new game called "hide the houseguest"?" "Mario." "Yeah, he's going to be here three more days." "Well, you see, he got another job after Ricky told me to get rid of him." "So, now if Ricky finds him here, he'll blow his Cuban cork!" "Nice to be alone, huh?" "Sure is." "Well, let's see now." "Mario's been gone for two days." "He should be halfway to San Francisco." "He should be." "Well, I gotta go to work, dear." "I'll see you later." "All right, sweetheart." "Good-bye." "Bye, doll." "Mrs. Ricardo?" "Yes?" "Bureau of Immigration." "Do you know a Mario Orsatti?" "Come in." "Yes, sir." "Why?" "Is he here?" "Here?" "No, he isn't here." "Anything wrong?" "I understand for the past two days, he's been working at Martinelli's Pizza Parlor." "That's right." "Well, I was just over there, and it isn't opened yet." "No, not now." "Well, you see," "Mario Orsatti entered this country on a visitor's visa." "Visitors are not allowed to work." "So, if your friend has violated the law, he may have to be deported." "Deported?" "Oh, you couldn't do a thing like that." "Oh, oh, Mario didn't know he was breaking the law." "Honest, he didn't, and I didn't either." "You see, he was just working to get a little money so he could go visit his brother in San Francisco, and that's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me, Your Honor." "We try to be lenient in these cases." "However, Mrs. Ricardo, under no circumstances is Orsatti to continue working." "Even for one more day?" "Not without a work permit." "And it'll take him at least 90 days to get one." "I, uh, trust that you'll see he'll get this information?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Yes, sir, I'll, I'll tell him, and thank you, sir." "That's quite all right." "Good-bye." "Good-bye." "Ethel, Ethel, could I see you in the kitchen for a moment, please?" "Please!" "This time Mario go in the kitchen." "Okay." "What's up?" "We're in a terrible jam." "A man from the Immigration Bureau just told me that if Mario works one more day, he's gonna Deported!" "be deported." "Yeah, it's the law." "Visitors can't work without a permit." "So we can't let him go back to that pizza place." "Lucy!" "If Mario ever finds out that he broke the law he won't even accept the two days salary that's coming to him." "So we mustn't let him know." "Well, how are we gonna get his money?" "Well..." "I could go down and pick it up if you'll stay with Little Ricky when he comes home from school." "I will." "Let's see now, he's got two days salary coming." "Bus fare..." "I'll make up the rest out of my allowance." "That's good." "Mario doesn't have to know anything about it." "Okay, all right." "Uh, Mario?" "Ma..." "Si, senora?" "Uh, Mario..." "Uh, Mr. Martinelli just called and said that-that you don't have to go to work today." "No work?" "How come no work?" "Well, um..." "it's a new labor law." "Uh, you see, when you, when you start a new job, you work two days, and then you get the third day off... with pay." "That's-a the law?" "Yep." "What's the name of that new law, Ethel?" "I don't know." "You're the labor expert around here." "It's called the, um..." ""The Taft-Hartley Visitors From Italy" ""Who Work In Pizzerias" "Get Every Third Day Off Amendment."" "My goodness." "America, she's a great country." "Yes." "Uh, Mario, as long as you don't have to go to work, why don't you relax." "Just sit around and rest up for your bus trip tomorrow, huh?" "Yeah, that's a good idea." "And I'll go down and pick up your pay." "Oh, you such lovely people." "Table, senora?" "Uh, I'd like to see Mr. Martinelli, please." "Si, senora." "I'll get him." "You wanted to see me?" "Mr. Martinelli?" "Yes." "Mr. Martinelli, I'm Mrs. Ricardo, where Mario is staying?" "Yes?" "Well, Mario is very sick and he won't be able to come back and work anymore." "So, I came over to pick up his two days salary." "Oh, no." "What do you mean "Oh, no"?" "I made a deal with Mario to work three days." "He works three days or no pay." "Well, that doesn't seem very fair." "Look, the pizza chef is getting off in five minutes." "If Mario is not here to relieve him, no pay." "Uh, uh, Mr. Martinelli, uh, if I, if I could find a substitute for Mario, will you pay the money?" "Well, it all depends." "Who are you going to get?" "Well, um..." "I know a pizza specialist." "Who?" "Me." "You?" "Yes." "You know how to make pizza?" "Yes." "Yes, I majored in pizza in my high school cooking class." "Yeah, I make all kinds." "Uh, you see, people from Rome write me for my pizza recipe." "I'll give you a cap and an apron." "Two pizzas." "Here you are, Miss." "Thank you." "One pizza, mushroom and sausage!" "Oh, I'm a little rusty." "Hurry up with my pizza!" "Oh, he's wonderful, isn't he?" "Oh, he's sweet." "Hi, Daddy." "Hi, son." "Where's Lucy?" "Oh, Ricky, let's go over to your apartment and discuss it." "She's not there." "Come on." "What's the matter with you?" "Hello, Senor Ricardo!" "Hello, Mario." "Mario?" "What are you doing here?" "It's my day off." "Your day off?" "Come on, Mario." "It's our turn in the kitchen." "Our turn in the kitchen!" "Come on, come on." "Ethel!" "Come here." "Start back at the beginning and tell me the whole story." "You're not gonna like it." "Ethel!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Well?" "No speak-a de English." "How could you?" "After todas estes cosas que te dije..." "I was only trying to help Mario." "...te di sesenta pesos para que se pusiera el hombre..." "Wait." "Un momento, estoy hablando con la senora aqui." "Look what you...!" "Get out!" "Get out!" "You're fired!" "Estupida!" "Just a minute!" "You can't talk that way to my wife!" "Ah, now, just one minute!" "Brother!" "This fiasco will cost Ricky a fortune:" "bus fare, cleaning bill for the entire wedding party down at the club, broken dishes, burned-out pizza oven." "$210.33." "Ricky did everything but tattoo the number on my chest." "Hi." "Well, that's that." "You get him on the bus?" "Yep." "He's on his way to San Francisco." "I stayed there until the bus pulled out." "Senor Ricardo?" "Yes?" "Excuse me." "Come in." "Come in." "They tell me Mario is staying here." "Well, Mario was here, but he's on his way to California." "California?" "Yes." "He found out that his brother Dominic moved to San Francisco." "Mama-mia!" "But I am his brother Dominic!" "You're You!" "Dominic!" "I no move to San Francisco." "I just go stay with my sick friend Sam Francesco." "Oh, no!" ""I Love Lucy"" "starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz has been presented for your pleasure by Instant Sanka, the hardy coffee you can drink as strong as you like, it still can't affect your nerves."