"I got a delivery for you." "Leave it at reception." "I'm supposed to deliver this one in person." "(CLICKING)" "Clean up on aisle five." "After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting, and two years of editing," "I have finally completed my movie," "Threat Level Midnight." "Erin, Erin..." "Yes?" "What are you doing?" "Guys..." "Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie, and that he maybe will let us watch it, but only if everybody's dying to see it?" "That's..." "Well, don't put words in my mouth." "Threat Level Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott." "We're all in it from, like, years and years ago." "It's like a home movie." "Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie." "PAM:" "Michael screened a work in progress for us years ago, and it didn't go well." "We thought it was a comedy." "Everything pointed to it being a comedy." "Yep." "We'd love to see it." "Sweet." "I will go invite Holly." "Okay, everyone, I know we're really excited to see this movie that everybody's in, but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive." "So, let's stay positive." "And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy, and we'll have a pure fun day, okay?" "Thanks, Mom." "You never told me you made a movie." "Mmm-hmm." "It's got action." "It's got heart." "It's got symbolism." "It's got you." "It's got a lot of me." "I can't wait." "Ladies and gentlemen, Threat Level Midnight." "NARRATOR:" "Michael Scarn?" "Well, that is an interesting story." "He was once the best secret agent in the business." "That was years ago." "Where is he now?" "Well, that's also an interesting story." "Master Scarn." "Master Scarn!" "I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler." "I wanted Samuel's voice" "(SPEAKING ROBOTICALLY) to be like this." "(SPEAKING NORMALLY) But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advanced android, almost indistinguishable from a real person." "Dwight does not play a robot." "I'm up." "It's the President." "He needs you for a mission." "Tell him I'm retired." "It's Goldenface." "Goldenface." "This makes it personal." "Scarn, you're right on time." "Hail to the chief." "I gave up a lot of weekends, because I thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as President, even in a silly home movie." "What a stupid waste of time." "It's your old enemy, Goldenface." "He's after the NHL all-star game." "He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium." "Scarn, this one is personal for me." "I own the stadium." "I can't see it blown up." "It's my retirement plan." "We have to search the stadium." "Not so fast." "Goldenface has taken all of the concession stand workers hostage." "Scarn, will you find these hostages and save the game?" "Heads I do it, tails I don't." "Best out of seven." "Heads." "Tails." "Heads." "Tails." "Heads." "Tails." "Looks like there's gonna be a clean up on aisle five." "NARRATOR:" "Well, the hostages were scared." "Don't you guys get it?" "Nobody's coming for us." "GOLDENFACE:" "Oh, someone's coming, all right." "The only man who would care, Michael Scarn." "See, I'm gonna lure him here, then I'm gonna kill everybody, then I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife, and I'm gonna hump her real good." "(CACKLING)" "JIM:" "I did not love the dialog, or the character." "I took the role to impress a receptionist, who will remain nameless." "NARRATOR:" "Well, the all-star game was three days away." "So, naturally, it was all sold out." "The only way Scarn was getting in was in a uniform." "Just one problem with that." "Scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a Slim Jim." "So, he went to meet with the famed trainer, Cherokee Jack." "Mop the ice." "I'm not here to learn how to mop." "I'm here to learn how to play hockey." "Mop it." "(INSPIRING MUSIC PLAYING)" "Come on." "Come on!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "Now, take this." "What am I supposed to do with this?" "Mop." "NARRATOR:" "Well, Michael Scarn was quickly becoming one of the hottest hockey players in the country." "Each year, the National Hockey League accepts one civilian amateur to play in the all-star game." "It's down to the three of you." "The final test is speed skating." "On your marks, get set..." "Die." "(GUNS FIRING)" "Nice try, Goldenface." "Except you forgot one thing, to kill me." "Oh, I wasn't trying to kill you." "I was trying to slow you down." "No!" "Oh, by the way..." "Yeah?" "How's your wife doing?" "(LAUGHING)" "Congratulations." "Hey, you came in second." "Not bad either, champ." "I am so sorry I have to do this." "(GAGGING)" "(SCARN SHUSHES)" "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I'm intercepting a name." "Jasmine Windsong." "She works for Goldenface." "But what I can't figure out is, who is the Funky Cat?" "Not "who," what." "The Funky Cat is the hippest jazz club in town." "Oh!" "Oh... (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)" "He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned?" "Then what was the point of spilling the drink on me?" "They call me Jasmine Windsong" "Bingo." "He finished his movie?" "No kidding." "Wow, that's great." "Yeah, good for him." "(SINGING GIBBERISH)" "(PLAYS BACKWARDS) The hostages are under the stadium" "(GRUNTING)" "(ALL EXCLAIM)" "(GRUNTS)" "Check, please." "You have to let us go, Goldenface." "We have families." "Ha!" "This is gonna show them that I mean business." "See ya." "Far and away the most expensive shot of the movie, but it was integral to the story." "(YELLS)" "It's Scarn!" "Sorry about your friend, Scarn." "The joke's on you, Goldenface." "That man was a wanted animal rapist." "We've searched the whole building, Goldenface." "Where is the bomb?" "Hmm?" "We've searched the whole building, Goldenface." "Where is the bomb?" "Hmm?" "We've searched the..." "Okay." "He said, "Where is the bomb?"" "In the puck." "SCARN:" "But why are you telling me this?" "Because I'm going to kill you, unless you forgive me for murdering your wife." "Hey, Goldenface." "Yeah?" "Go puck yourself." "No!" "(GUN FIRES)" "That was not scripted." "(GASPS)" "(GUN FIRES)" "SCARN: (SOFTLY) More Tylenol." "You've already had four." "Oh, God!" "So good." "NURSE:" "You're lucky to be alive." "It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn." "Let's just make sure that everything's working properly." "(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)" "(BEEPING FASTER)" "You just said, "The bomb is in the puck"?" "BOTH:" "Yes." "Is that where you hid the bomb, Goldenface?" "But why would you blow up the stadium?" "You own the stadium." "For the insurance money." "I knew it all along." "You will never get away with this." "SCARN:" "Where had I gone wrong?" "All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife, but somewhere along the way, things got messed up." "NARRATOR:" "It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit that he'd lost his self-confidence." "And he hadn't, of course." "He just wasn't using it right now." "ALL:" "Mike!" "SCARN:" "Beer me, Billy." "You don't look so good." "What's got you down?" "I got problems, Billy." "Big problems." "You got problems?" "My TV don't work." "I pay $30 a month for the damn satellite whats-a-whose-it." "I can't even get the damn game." "Now, you tell me, what's worse than that?" "Don't ever change, Billy." "Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL all-star game tomorrow." "I see what you mean about problems." "I know what'll cheer you up." "That table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink." "ALL: (SEDUCTIVELY) Hey." "Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?" "Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?" "I'm too depressed to save the big game, Billy." "I'm gonna cheer you up the only ways I know hows." "Hey, kid, hit G-9 on the jukebox." "No, Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died." "There's a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the Scarn." "(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)" "Well, my name's Michael Scarn And I'm here to say" "I'm about to do the Scarn In a major way" "You jump to the right And you shake a hand" "Then you jump to the left And you shake that hand" "You meet new friends You tie some yarn" "And that's how you do the Scarn" "You jump to the right And you shake a hand" "Then you jump to the left And you shake that hand" "Meet new friends Tie that yarn" "That's how you do the Scarn" "You jump to the right And you shake a hand" "(STIFLES LAUGHTER) Shh." "Stop." "Meet new friends Tie that yarn" "That's how you do the Scarn (EXCLAIMS)" "If doing the Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on earth!" "You guys, I think I have..." "Sorry." "I'm really sorry." "JIM:" "Hey, hey." "Michael!" "Michael, I'm sorry." "I'm really, really sorry." "I think I was just relieved to see that" "Michael Scarn got his confidence back." "Yeah, Michael, the movie's amazing." "It's, like, one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life." "You should enter it in festivals." "Or carnivals." "Yeah." "Well, that's a pretty good reaction." "That's pretty cool, right?" "Did you like it?" "Did you like that?" "Which part?" "Okay." "All right." "Come on." "MICHAEL:" "No." "Michael." "No, come on!" "We have to see the end." "No, it's not good enough." "It's not good enough." "Some people are really popping on-screen." "Hey." "Hey." "Good movie." "Mmm." "Good?" "Everybody out there says it's great." "I loved it." "Did you?" "What did you love about it?" "Um..." "I loved that you got to work together with all your friends." "Mmm-hmm." "Isn't that so great when you can all work together like that?" "No, no." "Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends, and you just have fun, and you don't care about how it turns out." "What'd you really think, honestly?" "Um..." "Is it..." "Is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me?" "Because, see, I need you to keep me grounded." "Not worried about that." "This is 11 years, okay?" "This has been my dream for 11 years, and if you don't think it's great, then you're basically saying you don't believe in my dream." "It's your dream?" "You never even mentioned it before." "We talk about a lot of things, Holly." "You know, I was eventually going to get around to my dream, obviously." "Eleven years that I could've been working on "The Scarn Nebulous."" "Well, why do you have to make a movie at all?" "Because if I don't have this, what do I have?" "I have nothing." "Really?" "You can't think of anything else that you might have?" "I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage." "I have my HBO comedy special, "Here I Go Again..."" "But, you know what?" "When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie." "I'm real." "Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass." "And now, I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great." "And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass." "I'm angry, and I love you." "I love you, too." "I am a huge Woody Allen fan." "Although I've only seen Antz." "But I'll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life," "he stayed true to his films." "Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was Antz." "Thing is," "I thought A Bug's Life was better, much better than Antz." "Point is, don't listen to your critics." "Listen to your fans." "Who likes Threat Level Midnight?" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Okay, well, then who wants to watch the rest?" "Michael, you have to get to that puck before halftime or the whole stadium will explode." "I know." "It's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on." "Cherokee Jack?" "Michael, he died." "This one's for you, Cherokee Jack." "We filmed this during an actual" "Scranton High School hockey game." "They were trying to qualify for states... (SHUSHING) It's fine." "It's great." "No, no." "Actually, it was really screwed up because they were trying to qualify." "They were disqualified." "They had to forfeit the game." "Undefeated season." "That's why there were so many people there." "FEMALE HOSTAGE:" "Why is your face gold?" "GOLDENFACE:" "Why do you care?" "I'm just making conversation." "I worked in a gold factory." "We had a boss who only cared about money." "Hey." "Hey, I'm sorry." "It is good." "No, no, it's not." "It's not." "But they really seem to be enjoying it." "Come on." "MALE HOSTAGE:" "Please, Goldenface, let us go!" "Cherokee Jack." "I want you to take all your frustrations with women, the system, with everything, take it out on the puck." "All on the puck." "(MICHAEL LAUGHING)" "(LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY)" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Hey, we got sports games again." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(LAUGHING EVILLY)" "(PUCK WHIZZING)" "(PUCK TICKING)" "Oh... (ALL CHEERING)" "Some breakfast for me, some breakfast for you." "Yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot." "(PHONE RINGING) I'll get it." "Man, I love being retired." "Scarn here." "Michael, it's the President." "Hello, sir." "I need you for another mission." "(GROANS)" "Yeah, I'm in." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, isn't the President evil?" "Oh, yeah." "Yes, he is." "No, no, he's doing it to catch the President." "No, no, Dwight, he's just being stupid." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(IN NARRATOR'S VOICE) Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game." "And I bet you're wondering why do I know so much about Michael Scarn?" "Well, because I am Michael Scarn." "(ALL CHEERING)" "(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)"