" Emily, I'm home." " I'm in the den, Bob." "Be out in a minute." "Oh, honey, there's something for you on the couch." "My kids made it in class." " This?" " Yeah." " You like it?" " Yeah." "It's nice." " What is it?" " Well... it's a head mitt for your golf club." "Oh." "I'll try it on." "It was their final class project." "Tomorrow I hand out the report cards, and that's the end of the school season." " You sound like you're sad." " Well... you know, it has been my best year." "You know, this could make my golf game less noisy." "You know, they're a great bunch of kids, Bob." "Oh, Bob... today we broke the school record for the fire drill" "How'd you, How'd you manage that?" "Well, remember we used to go down the front stairs past shop?" "Well, now we went down the back stairs and out the south door." "Anyway, Mr. Pottinger, the vice principal- he said we cut 21 seconds off the previous school record." "I guess your record is safe until fall, and then they'll be gunning for you again." "Bob, since you're dusting, could you catch that table leg?" "Well, the kids are throwing a farewell party for me tomorrow." " Gee, I'm really gonna miss them." " Well, happens every year." "What's that saying- "No more pencils, no more books"" "I'll get it." ""No more pencils, no more books"" " Oh, Mr. Pottinger." " "No more teachers' dirty looks."" " Bob, you remember Rex Pottinger." " Oh." "Oh, yeah." "The principal." "Vice principal-although someday, if I keep my nose clean, who can tell?" " Come on in." " Thanks." "Oh, I've got news." "Guess what happened in school today after you left?" "Someone broke Emilys record." "Oh, no." "That's not likely to happen during our lifetime." "But my news is exciting nonetheless." "Camp Thundercloud is about to become a reality." "I got my permit today." "Oh, really." "Oh, that's wonderful." "Come on in." "Sit down." "Bob, Mr. Pottinger's dream has always been to open a summer camp of his own." "That's right." "Since I was a kid, every night I had this dream where I married Brigitte Bardot... and then we opened our own camp together." "I'm surprised you got to the camp part." "Well, anyway, Emily, I have a proposal to make." " I want you to be my "Honcho?" " Honcho?" "Yes." "Oh, it's a nickname for camp administrator." "Yeah." "We'll all have nicknames." "It sounds silly, but the kids love it." "See, I'm the swimming counselor, so I'll be called "Flipper?" "Then there's the camp cook." "She's called "Shingle?" "We plan to go through a lot of chipped beef." "I don't get it." "You'd get it if you were in the army." "So what do you say, Honcho?" "We really need you." "Well, I" "Gee, I'd really like to spend the summer with the kids, but..." "I don't think I can take that much time away from Bob." "Yeah." "She's kind of "Honcho" around here too." "I'm sorry." "Yeah, of course, we want Dr. Hartley too." "Most of us go in couples." "The nights get pretty chilly." "Oh, well, I couldn't take off for- for a whole summer." "It's just the last two weeks in July." "Well, July is my busiest time of the year." "Well, honey, couldn't you kinda rearrange your schedule?" "Well, I'll see what I can do." "Oh, wonderful." ""Nah-mo-kah kee-nah-tah."" "That means, "Welcome aboard my canoe."" "Oh." "Wait." "Wait a minute." "I'm" "I'm not sure I can "Nah-mo-kah" at all." "What would you need me for?" "Well, we need counselors in sports..." " and you look like you're probably a darned good athlete." " Oh, he was." "He was junior varsity in baseball." " Varsity." "Two years." " Oh." "Excuse me." "You can be Spitball." "Well, I'll think about it, but, I really don't know if I can arrange things." "Well, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" "Bob, Honcho" ""Nah-mo-kah kee-nah-tah."" ""Gitche Gumee."" "I don't know, Dr. Hartley." "It was probably the most creative thought I've ever had." "Great idea for a game show- and all the networks turned me down." " What was it called?" " Tug of War;" "USA." "We were gonna take the cameras all over the country... and have celebrities try to pull each other across state lines." " And that didn't sell?" " They're all nuts." "Mr. Plager, you know, you're a wonderfully creative person, but... have you ever... thought about getting out of show business?" "All you need is one hit show." "But you've always said, television is such a rat race." "That's it." "That's a great idea." " What's a great idea?" " A game show called The Rat Race." "We-You, like, build a maze with a starting gate... and get a bunch of rats, paint them different colors... and have celebrities bet on them." "It's a natural." "Well, I'd watch it." "Of course, I don't know how indicative I am of the viewing public." "Oh, you're perfectly normal." "I mean, everybody loves rats." "Could you put a lid on this?" "I don't want my idea stolen." "Well, wild rats couldn't drag it out of me." "Yeah." "Yes, Carol." "Oh, fine." "Mr. Pottinger?" "Sorry." "Flipper?" "I haven't had a chance to check my schedule yet." "No." "I wouldn't mind being switched to basketball coach." "Uh..." ""Bob the Stilt."" "Well, fine." "I'll get back to you." "Carol, could you, check my schedule in July?" "Emily and I are going to camp." " Camp?" " That's right." "Okay, Bob." "Do you want me to order some name tags for your shorts?" "I guess not." "Just, check my schedule, would you?" "Oh, sure, Bob." "Oh." "All of July looks really tough." "You know, in addition to all your regular patients... you're supposed to go away for that weekend with your "fear of humidity" group." " Hi, Bob and Carol." " Hi." "Jer." "Hi, Jerry, Nice golf duds." "Oh, yeah." "Well, I was just down at Golf Land, you know, hitting a few buckets of balls." " Bob's going to camp." " Oh, really?" "Then you've overcome your fear of salamanders." "Jerry, not as a camper." "Emily and I are gonna sort of help run the camp... if I decide to go, which I haven't." "Aw, you don't wanna go to camp, Bobby?" "Miss all that great stuff- poison ivy, bed-wetting, chigger bites." "I remember when I went to Girl Scout camp." "Oh, wait till you hear this." "We swam across Lake Veronica in our undies... to surprise the guys at the Boy Scout camp." "Well, the really funny part of this... is that they weren't surprised at all." "They were expecting us." "Well, when are you going, Bob?" " The last two weeks in July." " Hey, hey, hey." "No, no, no." "Wait a minute." "July 20th-that's when we're going to Willy Wylerman's golf clinic." " No." "That's August 20th." " No." "That's July 20th, Bob." "Remember, we didn't wanna wait another month, correcting your slice?" "And you already paid a hundred-dollar deposit." "I got too many things I gotta take care of." "No." "I can't go." "I'll have to call, Honcho and Flipper." "Why don't you call Donder and Blitzen while you're at it?" " So, what happened?" " What do you mean?" "When you swam across the lake?" "Oh, we swam back." "♪♪" "It's really a perfect place for your son, Howard." "I mean, it's gonna be a complete camping program-you know, swimming, tennis, boating." "Well, I'd love to go, but, my ex-wife wants Howie to go to Camp Heidi again this year." " The one in Switzerland?" " Yeah." " Wasn't that awfully expensive?" " $5,000." " Course, that includes yodeling." " Uh-huh." " My ex-wife wants Howie to yodel." " Why?" "Well, because it's good to know another language." "But I'd like him to learn something, you know, he can use when he grows up, like archery." " That's my specialty." " Really?" " Yeah." " Howard..." "How would you like to be our archery and Indian lore counselor?" "Indian lore?" "I love Indian lore- except that, story about Pocahontas and John Smith." ""John Smith." Who does he think he's kidding?" "We've all used that name before." "Howard, how would you like to be Iron Bow and go to camp with Howie?" "Hi, honey." "Hi, Howard." "Call me "Iron Bow, " white eyes." "Bob, Howard may be our Indian lore counselor." "Oh, Emily, I tried to reach you this afternoon, and you weren't home." "Oh, I was with Mr. Pottinger." "We were working on the brochure." "Bob, it is really shaping up." "Well, this may change the shape a little bit." " I can't go." " Why?" "My schedule is loaded in July." "Oh, honey, I'm really disappointed." "Well, my patients need me." "July is a very humid month, and I have that golf clinic." " I thought that was in August." " No, it was changed, and I forgot." "Look." "I don't, want to inhibit your argument." "I" "Howard, this isn't an argument." "Look, there's a very simple solution." "I was thinking about it on the way home." "I mean, it's only for a couple of weeks, and, it's something you want to do... and I'd be away one of the weeks anyway, so... why don't you just go by yourself?" "Wait a minute, Bob." "Wait a minute." "I don't think that's a good idea." "Let me tell you what happened when my ex-wife and I went on separate vacations." "We never got back together." "Sounds like the same thing." "I'll just, leave you with that thought." "Is that what we're doing, Bob?" "No, Emily." "This is something you want to do and something I can't... and it'll only be a couple of weeks." "Aw, thank you, Bob." "It's really important to me." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute." "Wait a minute!" "It's not the same thing." "When my wife and I went on separate vacations, she went with another guy." "So there's nothing to worry about." "Bob, what's that whistling noise?" "Oh." "It's this." "It's for strengthening your golf grip." "It's recommended by, Willy Wylerman." "Well, why a whistling dog?" "Because the singing ones were too expensive." "Wanna hear me play "Heartaches"?" "Bob, I'd really like you to listen to my Camp Thundercloud sales pitch." " Oh." "Pitch." " Yeah." "And I'd like you to look at the slides." " Go ahead." "Slide." " Okay?" "just hold this up to the light... and I'll describe it to you." " You're gonna have a projector though." " Yeah, and a clicker." " Ah." " Ah." "Thank you all for coming." " It's a pleasure to be here." " Oh." "Our first slide is that of the entrance to Camp Thundercloud." "It says, "Welcome"" "No." "It says, "Stuckey's Pecan Pralines, 12 Miles."" "Right." "When you get to that sign, you've gone too far." " This is the baseball field." " This is a swamp." "Well, it's gonna be the baseball field." "Well, a lot of games are gonna be called because of crocodiles." "Well, it's gonna take a lot of work, and we know it... but it's worth it, and we're willing to do it." "Emily, no kidding, If I could do it, I'd be right there... slogging through that swamp right beside you." "Ah, I know you would." "Let's see now" "Riding range, campfire circle" "Who's this in the canoe?" "Oh." "That's Mr. Pottinger in his loincloth and his Indian headdress." "Pretty authentic... except for the black socks." "Well, sounds like fun." "Oh, honey, I really wish you were going with us." "Well, maybe next year." "This year is just impossible." "I just" "I have too many important things to take care of." "Yeah." "That's really important." "Sure you don't want to hear "Heartaches"?" "Goodnight, Bob." "How about "Nola"?" "Hi, Dr. Hartley." " Are you... busy?" " Hi." "Hi, Mr. Plager." " How's the, how's The Rat Race?" " Ah." "Boy, it's awful out there." "I mean, everybody's clawing and scratching and fighting. it's murder." "No, I meant The Rat Race- the game show idea." "Oh, that." "Forget it." "The network won't let me paint the rats." "I mean, they wanna put numbers on them." "I said, "No way."" "Numbers-can you believe it?" "I'd" "I'd rather see colors." "I should have known." "They're the same idiots that canceled Supermarket Sweepstakes." "Now that was a crime." "Anyway, I've decided I'm gonna get out of both rat races." "Oh, really?" "Yeah." "You've shown me it's useless to beat your head against a wall." "I'm gonna spend the whole summer in Yosemite just looking at trees... and relaxing and letting it all unravel." "Well, I really admire your courage." "I mean, it isn't easy to give it all up... and, live among the trees." "Wait a minute." "I've got it." "Name that Tree." "I mean, there are 35,000 varieties of trees." "We could fly contestants into Yosemite and blindfold them." "They could rub their hands on the bark to identify the tree." "They get three chances" "Oh, sorry, Bob." " What's this-face therapy?" " It's a game show idea, Jerry." "It's not gonna be easy to find a sponsor." "Forget it." "I mean, it's a stupid idea." "But don't steal it." "Well, Bob, I got bad news." "Here's your check and entry form." " The Willy Wylerman golf clinic is off." " Why?" "Willy." "He was called by the biggest pro of them all." "That's a shame." "You know, maybe if I... could rearrange some of my appointments..." "I could still go to camp with Emily." " Carol, would you come in here a minute?" " You might as well do that." "If you stick around here by yourself this summer, you'll just get into trouble." " What do you mean by that?" " Oh, you know, Chicago in the summertime- you'll be hanging around your apartment pool, you know, seeing what's shaking." "Jerry, I'm not interested in what's shaking." "I mean, I'm not looking for trouble." "Hey, you don't have to look for it, Bob." "I mean, you're a cute guy." "It'll find you." "Yes, Bob." "Oh, Carol, I don't care how much trouble it is." "Cancel all of my appointments for the second half of July." " I'm gonna go to camp with Emily." "I'm going home right now. " "They're having a camp meeting in my apartment." "And, if I hurry, I can still be "Bob the Stilt."" "Well, what about Bob's "fear of humidity" workshop?" "I don't know." "I guess they'll just have to sweat it out." "Here we are- coffee for anyone who wants it." "Great." "Why don't we all take a seat." " Ah." "Oh, wait a minute." "Where's Iron Bow?" " Coming'" "I'm sorry." "I was, in the little brave's room." "Well, listen." "Before we begin..." "I would like to thank Honcho for the use of her tepee." "Oh." "You're very welcome." "Now the purpose of this meeting is to iron out a few of the snags we've run into... on the rocky road to making this camp a success." "You're telling me it's rocky." "Left field is nothing but boulders." "We'll get to that in a minute, Spitball." "But first, let's start with my wife, our camp nurse, Band-Aid." "Thank you." "Although I have been a housewife for the past few years... when I met Flipper, I was a registered nurse." " Yeah." "Nurses are great." " So, as you can see, sickness is my game- from the tiniest sore throat to all-out plague." "Now we only have one problem-supplies." "Does anyone have a first-aid kit we could use?" "Just see Honcho." " She'll give you the money." " Flipper, I'm afraid that isn't" "Hold that thought, Honcho." "We'll get back to you in a minute." "But first, let's hear from our Indian lore expert, Iron Bow." "Now the way I see it, my job is to take these kids and make them so tough... that being lost in the wilderness will be like a cakewalk." "Now I'm gonna take a bunch of weak, untrained, sniveling city brats... and turn them into a bunch of Indian braves and bravettes!" "Now, in order to reach this level of physical and mental toughness..." "I'm gonna drive them and drive them and drive them till they break!" "Um" "Of course, in a nice way, you know." " Who's the clown?" " This is our neighbor, Howard Borden." " I don't think I like his methods." " Worked in boot camp." "Oh, one more thing." "I don't wanna be called "Shingle?" "Oh, my job is to supervise meals." " Oh, why don't we call you "Mealy"?" " Why don't you call me Rita?" " "Rita." That's dumb." " That's my name!" " "Rita" says cooking to me." " I'd like to say one thing, if I" "Spitball raised his hand first." "Well, I'd just like to say that I could use a little help... in turning that quagmire into a ball field." "Right now the pitcher's mound is quicksand... and the game has swallowed up enough young ball players as it is." "Well, why don't you move the pitcher's mound to second base?" "Second base is a drainage ditch." "The whole field stinks." "It's like an obstacle course." " Sounds like a good place for war games." " Uh..." "Flipper, if I could..." "I'd like to turn to a more immediate problem, such as the matter of finances." "Certainly, Honcho." "Now that it's your turn, what about finances?" "Well, we don't have any" "Unless we can sign up another two dozen campers or charge the 50 we do have another $100 each." " Well, we can't do that." " We'll just have to cut a few corners." "Well, we could cut out meals." "We don't need food." "My braves can survive on berries and wild hickory nuts." "Howard, we may all have to survive on berries." "We have a little problem with the dining hall." "Flipper, did you know that Reverend Biff and his Better Times A-Comin' Revival... had rented the dining hall for the month of July?" "That's just on the weekends." "I thought we could grab a bite between hallelujahs." "What about the movies we were supposed to show on Saturday night?" " My uncle took back the projector." " This is just ludicrous." "Now wait a minute." "All of these problems can be worked out." "Well, the baseball field isn't gonna turn itself into a park." "I went up last weekend to backfill the soggy spots in the infield." "The bulldozer was gone." "Now that I can't understand." "The last time I saw it, it was on the pitcher's mou" " Oh, no." " That's it." "That's it." "Strike three." "No field." "No coach." "We'll get them next year, Flip." "Don't worry." "Don't worry." "My braves will dig out that dozer." " I'm not going to camp with a lunatic." " Me either!" "Look." "We've still got a couple of weeks to work these problems out." "Well, you give me a call when you do." "Well, look." "Look, we've just cut our corners." "We won't get baseball equipment." "We'll buy food with the money we've saved." " Mr. Pottinger" " Flipper." "Mr. Pottinger, look." "You" "You can't run a camp by coming up with some half-baked names for counselors... and a budget that doesn't meet your financial needs." "I mean, all we've got so far is a bus and a brochure." "Oh." "About the bus-Remember I told you my uncle took back his projector?" " Yeah." " Well, he took it back in his bus." "Oh." "Well, that's it then." "I mean, we just can't do it." " Well, I guess you're right." " Well..." "I'll see to returning the deposits to the campers... and, well, I guess we can start planning for next year." "Now I know why they call you "Honcho?" "Well, I guess the old tribe is breaking up." "Yeah." "I guess so." "You know, this is all your uncle's fault." "I'm glad we lost his bulldozer." "Rita was right." "Guy's a lunatic." " Hi, Bob." " Hi, honey." " Why is everybody so, so glum?" " Oh, we had a bad meeting." "Well." "I have some- have some good news." "I can go." " Oh, Hi, Carol." " Bob, what are you doing here?" "I just thought I'd come down and see what's shaking." "Well, not much." " How's the vacation going?" " Oh, fine." "Fine." "Emily's doing her thing, and I'm doing my thing." "Oh, what's her thing?" "Well, she's running a new arts and crafts program." "They're having a meeting at the apartment." " Mm-hmm." "So "your thing" is to stay out of her way, right?" "Right." " Bob, are you bored?" " Are you kidding?" "These are gonna be the two greatest weeks of my life." "This is a perfect opportunity to take care of a lot of stuff I've been meaning to get to." " Yeah." " No calls." "No interruptions." "No one has to know I'm here."