"[♪]" "I'll pay you $5 if you eat that." "What?" "The cheese you just dropped." "Eat it and earn yourself 5 smackeroos." "No, thanks." "10." "No." "20?" "Doug, we have the same bank account." "If I want to get $20 from you, I'll go to the ATM." "I don't need to eat dirty cheese." "True, but I got a 20 right here." "You can have it right now." "Buy yourself a new... brassiere." "Awful tempting, but still a no." "Will you give me 20 if I eat it?" "No!" "10?" "No." "5?" "Doug!" "That's a bargain." "You're not gonna find anybody to eat dirty cheese for under $5." "I don't care!" "I have no desire to pay or be paid to eat dirty cheese!" "You take no joy in life, do you?" "♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪" "♪ My back is gettin' tight ♪" "♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪" "♪ On the Queensborough Bridge Tonight ♪" "♪ But I don't care 'Cause all I want to do ♪" "♪ Is cash my check And drive right home to you ♪" "♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you ♪" "You trying to see my combination?" "No." "I was just looking at the, uh..." "What is it, 10-2-38?" "You were looking." "And by the way, you're wrong." "10-3-35?" "Nope." "Come on, give it up." "I thought we were friends." "Okay, fine." "It's 7-8... 53." "Don't insult my intelligence." "Hey, come on." "Are you ready?" "Just one sec." "I want to talk to Roger first." "Why?" "I want to see if I can switch vacation time with him so mine matches up with Carrie's." "Hey, Roger, did you happen to have a chance to talk to your wife about the vacation thing?" "Oh, yeah." "You can have the time." "My wife and I are actually splitting up." "Oh, man, that's-- that's rough." "That's really, uh" "So that's the 8th to the 22nd, right?" "Yeah." "Yeah." "Anyway, sorry to hear about that." "It's brutal stuff, you know." "Stay strong." "All right, how long before I can start celebrating?" "And... he's around the corner." "Whoo-chicka-taah!" "So where are you guys taking your vacation?" "I don't know." "We haven't decided yet." "All I know is we're going on vacation, because Roger's wife's saying, "Bye-bye, loser."" "Not you." "Different Roger." "Great RV." "Thanks." "It's a Roadbird Freedom 5000." "W-where are you headed?" "Oh, wife and I just drove down from Seattle." "Don't know where we're going next, but it doesn't really matter when you're driving one of these puppies." "Hey, honey!" "Fry me up some steakums, will you?" "You ever been in one of these?" "Best vacation of my life." "[REMEMBERS THEME FROM WELCOME BACK, KOTTER]" "♪ Welcome back, welcome back Welcome back ♪" "♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪" "MOTHER:" "Doug, come on, it's the Grand Canyon." "The sun's about to set." "You're gonna miss it." "Coming!" "MR. KOTTER: ...is the second most painful day in a schoolteacher's life." "HORSHACK:" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "[WELCOME BACK, KOTTER THEME SONG PLAYS]" "[HORN HONKS]" "Yes!" "Hello, sweetheart." "Hey, Dad." ""Planning a Trip to Paris."" "What, are you planning a trip to Paris?" "You nailed it." "Doug and I are going on vacation in a couple of weeks, and I found these really cheap flights on the Internet." "Ah, Paris." "Last time I was there was when we liberated it from the Nazis back in '44." "Freedom rang again in the City of Lights." "I also got the clap, but that's a story for another day." "Anyway, as far as this trip is concerned, thank you, but I'm going to have to respectfully decline." "Huh?" "Don't be offended." "I'd love to come with you." "It's just that I have a problem on long flights." "I tend to panic and sob like a woman." "Okay." "Well, if you can't come, you can't come, Dad." "Send me a postcard." "Okay." "Close your eyes." "What?" "Close this part of your face now." "Okay." "What is it?" "What's going on?" "Come on, come on." "Just come with me." "Okay." "All right, Doug." "Don't try to feel me up like you did last time." "Relax, okay." "I just picked up a little something on my way home from work." "Okay." "Okay." "Here we go." "Okay..." "Open 'em up and step into the world of the Roadbird Freedom 5000." "RV HOST:" "Do you like being a slave to the clock, feeling compelled to follow a certain schedule?" "Or are you independent minded?" "When you see RVs on the road, do you wonder where they're going, where they've been, and envy the driver's freedom?" "Yes, yes, and oh, yeah." "Uh, Doug..." "Don't think we're going in an RV for our vacation." "Why not?" "Because we are going to Paris!" "I found these really cheap flights on the Internet." "No, no, no, no, no." "RV." "Out west." "I got the video." "Okay, maybe you didn't hear me, but I said Paris." "You know, as in Par-is, the most romantic frigging city in the world." "Okay?" "It's beautiful." "It's old." "It's" "Okay, I guess the Grand Canyon isn't old." "Yeah, yeah." "They just put that in." "All right, Doug, just-- just come here." "Let me show you all the stuff that I printed out." "Now, we don't have to stay in Paris." "We could just be based there, you know, and just travel around to, like, the wine country, the Loire Valley." "I-I'm sorry." "The what valley?" "Loire." "Okay, we're going back to the tape." "No!" "Come on!" "I don't want to see the tape again." "I don't think you understand how great this is." "L-look what this man is doing!" "He's driving around in his living room!" "Uh-huh." "And his wife is making him chili." "Where?" "In the living room!" "Okay, Doug." "Listen to me, sweetie." "You're" " You're a good fellow." "I love being married to you." "I do." "Now, that being said, RV, N-O." "Okay." "Okay, I see." "I see." "You see what?" "You obviously like being a slave to the clock." "You feel compelled to follow a certain schedule, whereas I am independent minded." "Don't quote from the video." "I'm not." "I just thought of that." "I'm" " I'm not giving in on this one, Carrie, okay?" "I'm not." "You got your way on all our other vacations." "When?" "When did I get my way?" "Two years ago, when we went down to Florida." "Yeah, and we spent the entire time at the Mets spring training camp." "Excuse me." "That was research for my gambling." "Oh, please." "Okay, fine." "Fine." "What about when we went to, uh, Apple Country, huh?" "But that was a weekend." "Of pure apple hell!" "All right, Doug." "Please." "Let's not fight about this, okay?" "All right." "You're-- You're right." "You're right." "Okay." "I mean, this-- this is our vacation." "We're supposed to be having fun." "Have fun." "Yes." "Let's just sleep on it." "We'll figure something out." "Figure something out?" "I'm screwed, right?" "Doesn't look good." "I don't want to go to Paris." "Can't I just run at her, tape her mouth shut, throw her in the RV and drive off?" "That's not against the law, right, if you're married, is it?" "It might be." "Yeah." "Hey, you could try the guilt thing." "What do you mean?" "You know, you come and you say," ""Hey." "Let's go where you want to go." "I want you to be happy."" "And she thinks you're being so sweet, she'll turn around and do what you want instead." "I'll try it, man." "I got nothing else." "Paris..." "[BAD FRENCH ACCENT] I'm from Paris." "Look at me." "What accent was that?" "I don't know." "Hey." "Hey." "Uh, look." "About the vacation..." "I thought about it, and I realized you work hard, and I know this time is important to you, so if you want to go to Paris" "Oh, my God." "This is gonna be so great!" "No-- no-- no." "No Paris-- no!" "Why did you just say we can go?" "That's nothing you need to know about." "The important thing is we need to make a decision here." "How do you want to decide?" "I don't know, but we have to decide soon or we'll never be able to get plane reservations." "Or?" "Or get bug spray or whatever." "It's obvious neither of us are gonna budge on this thing, so how about this?" "How about-- how about we flip a coin?" "Flip a coin?" "You want to decide our vacation by flipping a coin?" "Yeah." "If it's good enough for the Super Bowl, it's good enough for the Heffernans." "Okay." "Fine." "Fine." "Flip a coin." "Here you go." "You want to flip a penny." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "What?" "It has two sides." "You are such a girl." "We're gonna flip a quarter, okay?" "And for future reference, this is your smallest flippable coin." "Okay, flip it." "Okay, here we go, so, uh, let's say..." "heads, uh, Paris, tails, RV?" "Okay." "Okay." "All right, here we go." "Tails never fails." "Oh." "All right, well..." "The important thing is we'll have a great vacation together... speaking English." "But I will gladly make you" "French toast every morning, because I won!" "Touché!" "No Paris, Carrie!" "["CHARGE" PLAYS ON CAR HORN]" "["ODE TO JOY" PLAYS]" "Oh, God." "["WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE" PLAYS]" "Climb aboard!" "["OFF TO THE RACES" PLAYS]" "What is this doing here now?" "The guy let me take her home overnight for a test drive." "["DIXIE" PLAYS]" "Okay." "Has a lot of horn sounds." "We get it." "Yep." "She's got 28 of 'em." "She?" "That's right, she." "Okay, unless she has boobies and a uterus, that has to stop." "Come on, let me give you the tour." "All right, then, you got your driver's cockpit right here-- that's right, I said cockpit-- with a powerful Triton V-10 engine humming underneath." "Over here, you got your galley slide-out with genuine leather seating surfaces." "Oh, and this is great." "Built-in 25-inch television." "Think of the beauty of it, Carrie." "If we're not getting great reception, we just drive to wherever it's better." "Oh, and look here." "See this table?" "Folds into an extra bed." "See how that works?" "Bed..." "Table." "Bed..." "Table." "Yeah, it's two things." "I get it." "Okay." "Can I ask you a question?" "Breaker 1-9." "The lady's got a question." "10-4." "Where do you go to the bathroom?" "I'm glad you asked, little missy." "You got your private restroom quarters right over here, conveniently located right off of the master bedroom." "See?" "You got all your privacy." "Nobody knows your business." "Hey." "I can actually hear you better now." "All right, what happens if we use the bathroom and we're out on the road?" "Where does everything... go?" "Well... you ride around with it for a few days until you find a place to drain it." "Oh, my God!" "You know what would be nice?" "If you were remotely on board with this." "How can I be on board with this, Doug?" "I-it's horrible." "Hey, I won the flip, all right?" "I didn't force you to flip a coin." "You agreed." "Yeah, but you forced me to flip a quarter, okay?" "I had a good feeling about that penny." "Well, all I know is if you would have won the flip," "I'd be going to Paris with a beret and a smile." "Oh, yeah, right." "I could just imagine what a joy you would have been when we're standing in the Louvre looking at 19th-Century Impressionist art." "Well, we'll never know that now, will we?" "Now, this is gonna be fun." "You know why?" "Because that's a table bed, and that's pretty neat." "Yeah!" "An RV?" "What are you gonna do?" "I don't know." "Maybe I could drop something on Doug's foot so he can't drive for two weeks." "Well, don't hurt him too bad." "He drives for a living." "Oh, they'll find him something." "Where do you even go to the bathroom in one of these things?" "Into a pail, which is behind a piece of cardboard." "You gotta keep this from happening." "I know." "I wish there was some way I can get Doug off of this." "Darling." "Hi, Dad." "Oh, hello, Kelly." "Hello." "You're looking gorgeous as usual." "Well, thank you, Mr. Spooner." "Oh, what a thing we could have going if it wasn't for society's taboos." "Those damn taboos." "RV rental agreement." "What, are you agreeing to rent an RV?" "Yeah." "We're doing that instead of... the Paris trip." "No kidding?" "Nothing I love more than cruising the open road." "You think Douglas would mind if I tagged along?" "Actually, um... he did say something about a table turning into a bed?" "[STEPPENWOLF'S "MAGIC CARPET RIDE" PLAYING" "♪ You don't know What we can find ♪" "♪ Why don't you come with me Little girl ♪" "♪ On a magic carpet ride?" "♪ You don't know what-- ♪" "[TURNS MUSIC OFF]" "Oh, this is gonna be a sweet road mix tape." "Are you sure you don't want to take this?" "Spence Olchin's" ""Prom Party Through the Night" mix?" "Pretty sure." "Hey, "Sunglasses at Night"," ""Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo..." "Oh." "I" " I guess you can't drive to those." "This is a great tape." "Yeah." "It worked great for you on prom night, didn't it?" "It's still a great tape." "Well, I'm fine with what I got." "I'm gonna be rocking my way across the U.S.A." "["SHE'LL BE COMING ROUND THE MOUNTAIN" PLAYING ON HARMONICA]" "I'll bet you didn't know" "I played the mouth organ, did you, Douglas?" "Okay, first of all, please don't call it that." "And second of all, why are you playing it?" "Because I'm coming on the road with you, you silly son of a bitch." "If you're willing to learn to play the spoons, we can jam all night." "What do you mean, you're coming on the road with us?" "In the RV." "That was quite generous of you kids." "I know there can be cramped quarters." "That's why I'm only gonna pack this outfit and a pair of silk underwear I'll wash out at night." "Uh, will you excuse me?" "I have to, uh" "Carrie!" "What'd you do?" "What" " What'd you do?" "What?" "You invited your father!" "You" " You're trying to ruin this vacation out of spite, aren't you?" "No." "No, no, no, no, no, no." "He" " He overheard me talking, and he thought I was inviting him, and then he got so excited, I just didn't want to say no." "I don't want your father in my Roadbird!" "Why not?" "We got that great table bed, right?" "Yes, we do." "But I don't want to eat breakfast on a table that recently held your father's ass." "That's ass breakfast!" "Well, Doug, you know, we do have another option." "I mean, my father doesn't like to fly, so we could go to, oh, I don't know..." "Paris?" "Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!" "Well, this is a side of you I've never seen." "What do you mean?" "What do I mean?" "You think that if you invite your father on the RV," "I'll back out, and then we can go to Paris like you wanted in the first place." "No." "No, no, no, no." "I just thought it would be nice to have my father with us." "Oh, the lies!" "You know what?" "That's it." "Okay?" "You know what you just bought yourself?" "A trip with your father." "Because I'm not backing down on this one." "That's fine." "Fine, little sunshine sister." "Because that's the deal." "And as long as we're inviting people on vacation, watch this little ditty." "Spence!" "Oh, yeah, it's gonna happen." "That-- that-- that's fine." "That's fine." "I" " I like Spence." "You all, uh, packed?" "Yep." "You?" "Yep." "Great." "Excited?" "Oh, yeah." "Excited." "[BANGING]" "SPENCE:" "Hold it, hold it, I don't have it." "Move faster." "It's heavy." "Dad, what the hell is that?" "I bought a canoe." "I figured, why rent?" "It'll pay for itself after 50 uses." "We don't have room for a canoe, Arthur." "I told you!" "Shut up!" "If you hadn't been so whiny, we could have snuck it by them." "Okay, back down." "Oh, man, what the hell did we do?" "We destroyed our vacation, that's what." "You know, now that my father and Spence are coming, the thought of you and me alone in an RV sounds like a little slice of heaven." "What if we bolt right now?" "We'll drive through the night." "They'll never find us." "Nah." "They'll hear the engine starting." "They'll run after us like dogs." "Well, we just gotta bite the bullet and get this stupid vacation over with." "No." "No, that is not acceptable, okay." "We got the Roadbird Freedom 5000 sitting right outside, okay?" "I cannot" " I will not-- let that dream go." "Spence!" "Arthur!" "Oh, my God." "Let me handle this, son." "Do you mean to tell me we were never wanted on this trip?" "That we were just pawns in some twisted little game of marital chicken?" "Dad, it's not like we don't enjoy spending time with the both of you..." "here." "Yes." "Love you both... here." "This is an outrage." "This young man cleared two weeks out of his schedule, as did I, and this is a very busy time for me." "Look, Dad, we are very, very sorry, but it is our vacation." "Well, it is our vacation too." "We have just as much right to that gorgeous motor home as you do!" "It would seem... that we are at an impasse." "All right." "So how do you want to settle this?" "[TV PLAYING]" "Well..." "I guess sometimes tails does fail." "[STEPPENWOLF'S "MAGIC CARPET RIDE" PLAYING]" "♪ You don't know What we can find ♪" "♪ Why don't you come with me Little girl ♪" "♪ On a magic carpet ride?" "♪ You don't-- ♪" "MAN WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT:" "Hey, Clim." "Check out that old man and that funny looking boy by the camper." "The boy's got an awful pretty mouth." "[BANJO STRUMMING]"