"And now, please welcome your valedictorian," "Alex Dunphy." "Where are my mom and dad?" "And in this corner, finishing first in her class, delivering the commencement address, weighing in at -- What do you weigh, honey?" "Dad!" "A healthy amount for a girl her age." "Are you getting all this, buddy?" "Pure gold." "She's the main brain, the cerebellum of the ball, Alex Dunphy!" "Oh, keep rolling, the news will want this footage when I eventually snap." "I thought Sanjay Patel was first in the class." "He was until he missed a few weeks and the robot he was building attacked him." "It's happening, people." "Our hubris will be our undoing." "Sweetie, what do you say you and I go and get our nails done, huh?" "It's okay." "I want to work on my speech." "Been there." "I remember the speech that won me treasurer of my high-school Spanish club." ""Mi nombre es Felipe." "Yo voy a la escuela..."" "Felipe." "It was kind of a grande deal" "I was up against an actual Puerto Rican." "Honey, are you sure?" "Because I think they can do school colors." "I'm good, mom." "Okay." "Family milestones always throw Claire for a loop." "She holds it in, and then the next day, she has a total meltdown, and I have to pick up the pieces." "Problem is, tomorrow," "I'm supposed to go to Vegas with my buds, so..." "I need her to melt down today." "Otherwise, what happens in Vegas because I won't be there." "Emotional day, huh?" "Happy day." "Happy and sad." ""Guys, I can't go to Vegas because my wife's freaking out!"" "Trust me, that is not a phone call you want to make to a bunch of ex-college male cheerleaders." "They will mock you with a hurtful, rhythmic taunt." "Hello?" "Gloria, it's me." "Ay!" "How was the doctor?" "Can you pick up some bread on the way home, please?" "I'm home." "My damn gate remote won't work." "Could you press..." " Hello?" " ...9?" " Manny, it's okay." " What's okay?" "What's wrong?" " Where are you calling from?" " I'm not calling from." "Jay is calling." "What's wrong with Jay?" "My clicker won't work." "Oh, my God, your heart's not working?" "!" "How could you tell us this over the phone?" "!" "My heart is fine." "Would somebody please press 9 and let me in?" "Okay." "Got it." "It won't work if you're both on the line." " Okay." " Okay." "Every damn time!" " Okay, Lily, time to get dressed." " Okay." "I can't believe Alex is gonna be in High School." "I feel so old!" "Oh, well, you feel old." "I was there when she was born -- in the delivery room." "If I wasn't gay before, I " "Oh, please, you wouldn't have lasted two minutes on a farm." "I've witnessed all kinds of birthing -- never batted an eye." "I've seen cattle, I've seen hogs," "I've seen goats " "I've even seen a three-legged " "Ohh!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" " I'm sorry." " Really, Mitchell?" "I could have just died." "Principal Kaizler, faculty, parents, fellow graduates, it's " "Hey, superstar." "Oh, you're working on your speech." "Yep." "Well, do you need any help?" "Because sometimes it's great to bounce ideas off someone whose opinion you value." "I'm good." "Okay." "That's cool." "Could your hair." "We could do it like we saw in that magazine." "Oh, what's that actress -- What's her name?" " with the -- you know, with the teeth?" "Mom, mom, please." " I'm " " I'm trying to concentrate." " Okay." "Okay." "Well, you be ready to go in a half-hour, because we are going to carpool with your grandpa." "Haley's driving me." "I want to get there early." "That's a great idea." "Great." "I will see you there..." "Superstar." "Hey, mama bear." "You okay?" "Not with "mama bear" I'm not." " Don't cry." " I'm not crying." "Shh!" "Don't be brave." "I'm here for you." "Until 2 P.M. tomorrow, when my flight leaves for Vegas." "Where were you?" "Did you bring the bread?" "I was stuck outside that gate for 10 minutes before it opened." "So no bread?" " We got to get that thing fixed." " Ay!" "What happened to your eye?" "What are you talking about?" "It's droopy." "What do you mean, "droopy"?" "Aah." "I don't like the look of that, Jay." "Here, let me check something." "Put that thing away." "I saw my dermatologist." "He was checking for moles or something." "He probably got some numbing cream on it." "It's fine!" "Nothing to worry about." "I got botox." "Stupid doctor talked me into it, and now it's drifting." "I haven't felt this dumb since I shelled out 30 bucks for that bracelet that's supposed to give me better balance." " Try to push my arm down." " Okay." "Go ahead." "You can't do it." "You can't do it." " Okay." "All right." "I can't " " Honey, I'm home." "Hey, uh, why is your dad's car here?" "Mwah!" ""It's ironic that I stand up he" ""representing my classmates when, for the past three years," ""most of them have treated me like I'm invisible." ""It's my own fault." ""I was obsessed with good grades instead of looks, popularity, and skinny jeans."" "What?" "!" "Is that your speech?" "!" "Get out of here!" "You cannot say that!" "Yes, I can!" "And you want to know why?" "'Cause it's the truth." "No one wants to hear the truth." "It's very simple, Alex." "In order to give a good speech, all you have to do is take a song and say it, like... "Don't stop believin'"" "or "get this party started."" "That means nothing." "Who cares?" "Nobody wants to think." "It's a graduation, a celebration of being done with thinking." "People want to be challenged." "They're gonna respect me for it." "No one's ever gonna talk to you again." "So what?" "Mahatma Gandhi went on a hunger strike for what he believed in." "That's 'cause no one would eat with him in the cafeteria!" "Hey!" " Hey, guys!" "We're here." " Hey." "Come on over." "Have some lemonade and cookies." "Jay, that's not looking very good." "It's fine." "Quick!" "Who's the president?" "Obama!" "Phil, please." " I'm trying to rule out a stroke." " It's not a stroke." " Why does everybody always assume I'm having a stroke?" " Age." "Diet." "You forgot to bring my bread." "I'm sorry we're late." "That's okay." "We got to leave in about 5 minutes, though." "Luke, stop pushing that ball around!" "You're gonna fall in." "Oh, yes, and then your Uncle Mitchell will laugh at your expense!" "I'm just saying it's a character flaw." "Okay, okay, quick poll here." "This morning, Cam, fully dressed..." "Thank God it's one of those stories." "...while in the middle of a very serious thought, fell into a ducky pool." "Oh, my goodness." "Are you all right?" "Yes, I am." "Thank you." "That is a normal reaction -- Love and concern." "Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait." "No -- the pool popped." "Ay!" "Poor thing!" " There is nothing worse than a tailbone injury." " I know." "I know." "Seriously?" "No, no, no, no." "You're so full of it." "You know this is funny." "Picture this falling into a tiny pool." "He'll be here all week, folks!" "Literally, because you're not coming home with me." "There she is." "There's my little Stella." "That's my girl." "Hi, sweetie." "You're so cute, I just wan eat your face!" "You remember when you used to hold Alex like that, and you wanted to eat her face?" "Yeah." " Now she's off to High School." " Mm." "Time marches on, huh?" "Yep." "You know what's really sad?" "What?" "The end of "Titanic."" "Hey, Luke." "Do you realize, in two years, you and I will be graduating?" "Not now." "I think I'm moving the ball with my mind." "Well, I'll be graduating." "You guys, stop congratulating yourselves for being so compassionate." "If you had been there, you would have laughed just as hard as I did." "He's coming." "Stop talking." "He's been embarrassed enough today." "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop." "Wow." "Now it makes sense." "It's a Pritchett thing." "Cruelty's genetic." "Suddenly it's all very clear." "Be careful." "You might run into it." "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry, Cam." "I'm sorry." "Oh, my God, dad, your face!" "What?" "Oh, that's nothing, nothing." "It's boring." "I went to the dermatologist." "It's a boring story." "I'm fine." " No, no, no, we got to get you to a hospital." " I'm fine." "Yes, I'm taking you." "Come." " Gloria, no, wait." " ¡Vamos!" "Wait right here!" "Gloria?" "Gloria?" "!" "Gloria?" "Gloria." "Gloria, hold on." "The reason my face looks like this is because I had... botox." "Like the ladies use for their wrinkles?" "Well, actually, nearly 10% of their sales are men, but that's not important." "I had a bad reaction." "Hit a nerve or something." "It's gonna go away soon." "What?" "What's that supposed to mean?" "Nothing." "Would you stop?" "This is very embarrassing for me." "For both of us." "He's fine." "It was a false alarm." "What do you mean, a false alarm?" "His face looks like a candle." "You heard her." "I'm okay." "She's not a doctor." "Neither are you." "Technically." "Okay, look, I don't know what's going on here, but there is no way that this is normal." "You look like a botox job gone horribly wrong." "No... my..." "God." "You didn't." "Of course he didn't." "Did you?" "No." "You did!" "What were you thinking?" "You're a veteran." "Enough!" "This conversation is ended." "Let's go." "Do you think he got his butt done, too?" "It looks fantastic." "Alex, wait." "I'm sorry." "If you want to give your speech, go ahead." "I was never valedictorian." "What do I know?" "Thank you!" "I am doing this for a reason." "It's not just like I'm " "Aha!" "Sorry, Alex, but you will thank me one day!" "Please." "You really think I don't have duplicates?" "If you do this, you'll be a social piranha." "Yes, I'll be an amazonian carnivorous fish." "Carniv-- what?" "!" "Dad, open the gate." "Oh, geez, not now!" "What?" "What's happening?" "It's stuck again." "What do you mean, it's stuck?" "Can't you get it open?" "What do you think "stuck" means, Claire?" "We have to do something, dad." "Can't you -- can't you push it open or something?" "I don't know!" "We are trapped in your driveway, and you don't know?" "As a gate owner, dad, you have a certain responsibility." "See, my daughter is gonna get up on that stage and give a speech and graduate from Middle School, and if I am not there, dad, I am going to freak out!" "I am going to freak out!" "Maybe push it." "I am going to freak out!" "Why are you smiling?" "I'm not " " I'm not smiling." "Chun-chunk." "Hysterical wife." "Hysterical wife." "Hysterical wife." "Jackpot." "Come on." "All right." "Okay, we have tried this way." "I say we ram the gate." "Kids, get out of the way." "Hold on!" "I think I can fix this!" "I just need a paper clip, some olive oil, and a ribbon." "What's the plan, "MacGyver"?" "Actually, the paper clip is to connect these two circuits, and the olive oil is to lubricate the mechanism." "And the hair ribbon is for Lily." "Her hair's been driving me crazy all day." "Why don't we just call some cabs?" "Because, Mitchell, this is not Times Square, and they'll take forever." "Well, then we'll just climb over the fence and start running." "No, we won't, because it's 5 miles away, Phil!" "And I'm in big shoes, so, no." "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" "I save the day." "Let's take this crazy bicycle, we throw it over the gate, then we take Phil and we take Claire, and then we throw them over the gate, too." "All right, what the hell is that?" "Jay bought it." "He thought we were gonna use it all the time, but I keep hitting my boobs with my knees." "Champagne problems, right?" "Honey, they're not gonna ride the bike." "Yeah, but I still think that we should throw it over the gate." "Okay, you know what?" "Thank you." "Thank you." "Nobody else has come up with an idea." "I think I've got a good idea." "We don't have time to build a rocket, buddy." "Never mind." "Okay." "So..." "Phil and I will go over first, and then you guys will throw over the bike?" "Okay, step up." "I'll boost you." "Couldn't we get a ladder?" "Please, I'm cheer's squad," "I boosted girls bigger than you to the top of a human pyramid." "Now, arms at your side." "Straight like a pencil." "One, two..." "We are bulldogs!" "Aah!" "Ow!" "She's fine." "Okay." "Jay, now you do me." "Just grab a handful." "Don't be shy." "I'm not giving you as much to work with." "I used to have a lot more there." "I lost it." "They used to call me "The Grand Can."" ""It's ironic that I stand up here representing my classmates when, for the past..."" "I read the rest of your speech." "Congratulations." "Do you hate me?" "What?" "!" "You talk about how all the popular kids are shallow and lame." "I didn't mean you." "You think you have everyone figured out, but everybody has their stuff." "What "stuff" do you have?" "Too many boys chasing after you?" "Too many parties?" "You really want to know what "stuff" I have?" "Yeah." "I'm flunking out of biology." "And now I have to go to summer school." "My friends -- all they can ever talk about nowadays is going off to college, and I don't even know if I can get into college." "Is that enough "stuff" for you?" "Whatever." "You know what?" "Fine." "Give your stupid speech." "Be an outcast." "But you're only doing it to yourself because you're smart and pretty and sort of funny in a way that I don't really get but other people seem to enjoy, so, you can either start fresh next year" "or be the freak who flipped off her class." "You really think I'm pretty?" "Shut up!" "Phil, go straight!" "This way's faster!" "No, straight!" "Stop leaning!" " Do you want to drive?" "!" " I do." "Tough, I called it!" "D'oh." "What was that?" "!" "Oh, crap." "The chain broke!" "Just keep pedaling." "It doesn't matter." "It matters a little!" "Cam, please be careful." "Why?" "If I get electrocuted, my hat might blow right off." " That'd be funny as hell, right?" " No." "No." "Hey, Jay!" "I know you're feeling self-conscious, so I dug out something I thought might help." "Put that thing away." "I knew you'd say that, but hear me out." "This was designed to make a hideously disfigured man look supercool." "It's perfect for you." "Oh, yikes." "Okay." "I'll go upstairs and see if I have a lefty." "Don't look at me like that." "I have to say that I am a little disappointed in you doing this thing." "Not me." "I feel real good about it." "Now many times do I have to tell you that you don't have to look young for me?" "I didn't do it for you." "What is her name?" "!" "Stop." "Most of the time, I walk around, and in my head, I'm 40." "Then I look in the mirror," "I say, "who's that old man?" "And what's he doing in my bathroom?"" "Well, it's my bathroom, too." "And I like when the old guy is there." "This is the face that I fell in love with." "Not this face " "This one." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "The gate's opening!" "The gate's opening!" " How did you do that?" " I didn't do anything." "I did it." "I opened it with my mind." "Come on, guys!" " Let's go, guys!" " Yeah, let's go. - ¡Vamos!" " Manny!" " Get Manny." "Everyone in the car." "Let's go!" "Yep." "That's what I thought." "Chain's broken." "What do you think?" "I think we gotta go." "Sweetie, we -- we can't make it on foot." "We have to try." "Honey." "Honey!" "It's okay." "It's not okay, Phil!" "It's not okay." "We're losing her." " Alex?" " Yes." "You're not losing her." "We are." "She's going to High School." "This is just when I lost Haley." "This is when Haley went from being my sweet little angel to being a moody, texting, snotty little princess who hates me." "Haley doesn't hate you." "And we're not losing her." "Do you remember when you used to come home from work and Haley would meet you at the door in her little "Aladdin" pajamas?" "And, you know, she'd stick her arms up in the air and say, "daddy, daddy, take me on a magic carpet ride."" "Remember that?" "When was the last time Haley was that excited to see you?" "I don't remember." "It's been so long." "We're losing another one." "And that's what kids do -- they leave." "They leave, and they -- and they don't come back." "Well, ours will come back, right?" "What if they don't, and -- and, pretty soon, it's just the two of us?" "I don't want to go to Vegas anymore." "I know." "I just want to hug them and embarrass them in front of their friends." "I know." "And Alex -- my God." "If we miss this speech " "Honey, she's a middle child -- she will never forgive us." "We're not missing that speech!" "Hello!" "Hello!" "What's the plan, Phil?" "Mi nombre es Felipe." "Yo voy... a la escuela." "You need a ride to the school." "Yes, please!" "Felipe?" "Okay." "¡Vámonos, muchachos!" "I am so proud to be standing in front of this extraordinary group of youngsters." "I'm sorry -- or should I say "oldsters"?" "But seriously, the word "commencement"" "means "beginning."" "I'm sorry I laughed." "I don't need an apology, but I will say your behavior today has been very eye-opening." "No offense, Jay." "None taken." "You look like an iceberg." "Okay." "Señor, this is it..." "right hear, yeah." "Okay." "Let's go." "¡Muchas gracias, muchachos!" "You're quite welcome!" "And now, please welcome your valedictorian," "Alex Dunphy." "Where's my mom and dad?" "Thank you." "Mm -- there they are!" "Come on, Phil!" "Principal Kaizler..." " Hold on, Phil!" " ..." "Faculty..." " Oh, sweet cream!" "I'm sliding!" " Oh, my God, Phil!" " ...school-board administrators..." " I got you." "Get up." "Get up." " I got you." " ..." "Fellow graduates..." " I'm sorry!" "I'm so sorry!" "...parents, and everyone who helped us through these challenging formative years," "Cam!" "You have lost all credibility." " This is completely different." " How?" "It's the juxtaposition of absurdist comedy against the backdrop of a formal setting..." "Not a big-boned man falling into a pool." " Really?" " Shh!" "This is about Alex." "It's ironic that I stand up here representing my classmates when they're so... awesome..." "They should be up here themselves." "But I'm up here, and..." "I'm sayin'... stuff, 'cause everybody's got their... stuff, whether you're popular or a drama geek..." " Oh." " ...or a cheerleader... or even a nerd like me." "We all have our insecurities." "Yes, we do." "We're all just trying to figure out who we are." "I guess what I'm trying to say is don't stop... believin' Get this party started." "Whoo!" "That's so cute." "Seriously?" "There she is!" " Here's our girl!" " Great job." "Your speech moved me." "I loved how you play with the song titles." "Fantastic." "My idea." "You did good, kid." "Thanks, grandpa." "Aah!" "Don't ask." "He'll be fine." "Yes." "We are so proud of you." "Come here." "Hello." "I opened a gate with my mind." "What do you say we all go get something to eat?" " Let's do it." " Yeah." "A-actually, I was kind of just invited to a party." "Whoo!" "Would it be okay if I go?" "Yeah." "Of course." " Yeah." " Yay!" " See you, kid." " Have fun." " Thanks for coming, you guys!" " Bye!" " Bye!" " Bye!" " Bye!" " Congratulations!" " Hmm." "I'm kind of hungry, mom." "Oh, my God." "She's back." " My baby." " What?" " My baby." " Oh, my God." " My little baby." " What are you doing?" "Let's go." "Let's go eat." "I'm not hungry anymore." " Oh, you're not gonna regret this." " I could use some shrimp." "I'm not hu" " I'm not hungry." "I'm not hungry anymore." " Sure you are." "Sure you are." " I'm not -- no, I'm not."