"(funky disco plays) * my name is cleveland brown * * and I am proud to be * * right back in my hometown * * with my new family * * there's old friends and new friends *" "* and even a bear * * through good times and bad times * * it's true love we share * * and so I found a place * * where everyone will know * * my happy mustached face *" "* this is the cleveland show. *" "(chuckles)" "I love minor league baseball." "Nothing like watching a bunch of people I've never heard of" "Not play very well." "(bat strikes ball)" "(crowd cheering)" "One bounce!" "Coming along, george, coming along!" "George:" "Thank you!" "("take me out to the ball game" playing over speakers)" "Bottom of the eighth, one-nothing." "Too bad we were in the bathroom for that home run." "I'm sorry I needed you to hold my arms, daddy," "But I didn't want to sit on the wet seat." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." "Having good time at the ballgame." "(music plays)" "Announcer:" "You know what that tune means?" "It's time for the kiss cam," "Brought to you by waterman cable." "Waterman cable-- we're a monopoly." "(rb music playing)" "Ooh, chocolate-vanilla swirl, chocolate-vanilla swirl!" "Ha!" "You get it, man!" "They're gonna make a baby derek jeter." "(snickers) cleveland, it's your hot stepdaughter and her boyfriend." "Oh." "Hey, what year was she born again?" "She's not born again." "Born-agains are crazy and off-putting." "Hold my beer, rallo." "This will not stand!" "(crowd cheering)" "Bad hormone-riddled adolescent!" "Bad, bad!" "(crowd booing)" "(running up stairs)" "(panting)" "Cleveland, what is it?" "!" "It's roberta, and it's bad!" "Really bad!" "Oh, my god, what, cleveland?" "!" "This afternoon-- (panting) I'm sorry." "I ran up the stairs." "Where's roberta?" "!" "(panting and groaning)" "I'm gonna need..." "That glass of water." "(gulps)" "This afternoon at the baseball game, roberta and federline" "Were all over each other, groping, squeezing, petting," "Dry-humping, tongues wagging," "Probably causing a dot on his underpants." "Oh, it was bad." "They were making out at the ball game?" "That's it?" "Cleveland, roberta's fine." "She's a teenager." "That's why I've already had the safe-sex talk with her" "In case she does make that choice." "Donna, your idea of safe sex is why" "Roberta's here today." "Nasty, nasty roberta." "Mmm, good sundaes." "Roberta, do you know what a hymen is?" "That jewish guy that works at the video store?" "That's right." "And you know what he told me?" "He told me that a young woman's virginity is precious." "Please stay a virgin, roberta." "What?" "!" "I've overheard you with your friends" "Bragging about how many girls you slept with in high school." "True," "But they were terrible women." "Most of them are dead!" "Fed and I aren't even doing anything that bad," "And what we are doing is none of your damn business!" "How about that, huh?" "Kids today." "Just makes you think about our country's values." "Have we lost our way?" "Heck, did we ever even have our way?" "Time was, everybody knew everybody else." "People said hello, and they meant it." "Folks went to bed at a decent time," "And jeans were only worn by prisoners." "Someone would invite you over for coffee," "And you'd wind up talking for eight straight days." "Some people think this modern society's an improvement." "My question is:" ""an improvement on what?"" "(audience cheers, applauds)" "(cheering, applause continues)" "Roberta, please pass me the olive oil." "The extra-virgin kind, not the regular kind" "That is not virgin" "And therefore is a lesser olive oil" "Because the flavor has been tainted," "Causing it to be gross and much cheaper" "Since nobody wants it." "May I be excused, mother?" "Yes, you may." "Cleveland, what do you think you're doing?" "I told you I'd taken care of this." "I know you think you did," "But every girl needs a man to tell her" "What to do with her body." "That's just common sense." "Why is it so important for roberta to be a virgin, daddy?" "Well, thank you, cleveland, jr." "If I told you that you could open up a new soda pop" "Or drink one that had had seven penises in it," "Which one would you prefer?" "I would probably go with the new soda pop 'cause the other one might have blood in it." "Because the other one might have blood in it." "You know, you know, cleveland, for, for centuries" "The christian church has been frowning on sex" "And other fun things." "Our pastor is giving a sermon on teen abstinence this Sunday." "You-you should come" "And bring that slutty stepdaughter of yours." "I think that's a great idea." "Any other new business?" "Then we're adjourned." "(gavel bangs)" "(church bell tolling)" "What are these people wearing?" "Rallo:" "It's like they're going to a happy funeral." "Oh, the pageantry!" "My humble sweater vest looks foolish amongst" "These fancy hats of fruit, feathers and foliage." "I need to go to the haberdasher." "Let me get a hookup from my man donovan mcnabb." "Uh, philadelphia, residence." "Donovan mcnabb." ""not listed"?" "Dallas, texas, residence." "Michael irving." "Connect me." "Yo, playmaker, it's rallo." "Listen, man, I need a hookup on a suit." "Rallo, your phone's made of chocolate." "You're made of chocolate." "Sorry about that, michael." "Michael?" "Oh, man, he hung up." "Probably went to go stab a guy in the neck with scissors." "(organ plays gospel riff)" "May the peace of the lord be with you." "All:" "Holla!" "Today's word is about resisting temptation," "About calming those fires that burn in our loins." "All:" "Mm-hmm." "Those fires that can lead" "To destruction in our lives" "And turn promise into despair." "All:" "* come on." "Ease on down, ease on down the road. *" "All right, look, look, at this point," "I gotta ask the congregation to please refrain from shouting" "Stereotypical responses and/or catchphrases" "To everything I say." "All:" "Oh..." "Snap!" "(groans) all right, let us turn to a reading" "Of the letter of chlamydias to the gonorrheans:" "Teenage sex is yuck city." "It'll leadeth to pregnancy," "Obesity, illiteracy and diseasacy." "Gross!" "But there is a hope all across this great land." "Teenagers are taking a pledge, the purity pledge;" "To hand over their virginity to their fathers," "The high priests of the home." "Hear that?" "I'm the high priest of our home." "I would like roast beef for dinner." "Shut the (bleep) up!" "So I ask who here will be saved" "And take this honorable purity pledge?" "I will." "I, brandy young, pledge my virginity to my dad!" "I, jocelyn beokabatuka, pledge my virginity to my dad." "I, laura davis, pledge my virginity to my dad." "Roberta, I'd very much like your virginity." "Give me it!" "Give me it!" "Give me your virginity!" "I, cleveland brown, jr., pledge my virginity to my dad," "Cleveland brown." "What?" "All:" "No, he didn't!" "(chuckling):" "This place, always something." "And the best part is, the reverend says" "The girls and I get to go to a purity ball... (growls) ...With our dads!" "(growls louder)" "We gotta go shopping, daddy," "So we can get matching suits." "(growl turns to laughter)" "Aah!" "Junior, we're not going to that dance." "What's wrong, cleveland?" "You don't like balls" "As much as your son likes balls?" "(chuckles) you know what, junior?" "You and your dad should go to that dance," "Because teenage chastity is so important," "Isn't that why you took us" "To church today, cleveland?" "Oh, man, this is going even worse than when I invented" "That portable shoe toilet." "(water sloshes in shoe toilet)" "Well, it saved me a trip to the bathroom," "But now I'm gonna have to worry about spilling it all day." "(water sloshing)" "(running footsteps)" "Oh, thank god!" "(unzips pants)" "Oh, boy!" "Hey, morning, cleveland." "How was your weekend?" "Fine." "Do anything special?" "Football game?" "Sunday brunch?" "No, he got humiliated at church by his son" "Pledging his virginity to him." "(all laugh)" "I'm, I'm sorry." "I-I had to tell them." "Lester:" "Well, if it ain't the virgin father." "And him." "Hey, cleveland, brokeback mountain," "That's your son." "(all laugh)" "And-and him." "You guys don't even work here." "How come security didn't stop you on the way in?" "We took a break so we could laugh at your gay son." "(all laugh)" "Now wait just a cotton-pickin' minute, tim." "Church was your idea." "You're the one who said jesus hates sex." "What, are you nuts?" "Jesus wants to keep the females pure, not the males." "You-you think he died so that men don't have sex?" "That-that's the stupidest thing I ever heard." "Hey, hey, everybody, I'm jesus" "And I'm gonna die a painful death" "So none of you dudes get laid." "Yeah, yeah, like, like, I'm gonna pray to this guy." "(all laughing)" "You want my cherry, dad?" "Sure." "Junior, a boy's virginity is a terrible burden," "And it must be cast off on any girl who will take it." "But the reverend says premarital sex will make" "Your genitals and your soul burn." "Oh, boys don't get most of the bad diseases." "And if you get herpes, who cares?" "80% of food preparers in this country have herpes." "Daddy, do you want me to get herpes?" "I want you to at least try." "I guess I'll have to scare some sense into you." "Junior, if you don't give up your pledge," "You'll end up like this." "(robotic beeping)" "Behold the terrible, ugly consequences of male virginity!" "Oh, cool." "Is that worf?" "I apologize for that confusing example." "I forgot that virgins have so much free time on their hands," "They end up having some pretty neat hobbies." "(creaking)" "Junior, go play with your action figures." "Remembering, of course," "To leave them in their original packaging." "I'll be right in." "Roberta, will you please leave us alone?" "Don't hurt him, cleveland!" "Ah, not the grill, yo." "Put your arms down, fool." "Look, even though you're nothing but a lame inside-out oreo," "You seem to have a certain way with the ladies." "And as someone close to cleveland jr.'s age," "I think you can help him realize the joys of being around girls." "Federline, will you help me?" "Aw, blap!" "You flipped the script!" "Script flip!" "Ooh-ooh!" "I don't-- what?" "Script flip." "See, now you need something from me, pops," "And it's gonna cost you." "What do you want?" "I want to be able to bring my brown sugar home at 1:00 am." "Not no 10:30 pm, yo." "Midnight." "Take it or leave it." "Ho-ho-hold up, pops." "Ain't nobody getting off this whip" "Without dropping some freestyle." "You know what I'm sayin'." "(beatboxing)" "Oh, I don't if I could possibly... * straight out of stoolbend * * a crazy (bleep) named cleveland * * this is my left hand and this is my (bleep) hand *" "* I'm spittin' more wisdom than morgan freeman * * they call me hot brown and the c." "Bizzle *" "* I don't mind the rain if the rain is just a drizzle * * wizzle, wazzle, woozle, way * * razzle, dazzle, doozle, day * * b-I-g c-l-e-v-e * * relatively std-free *" "* dropped loretta * * now I'm doing much betta * * like upgrading to an escalade from jetta * * yo, hey, donna, I wanna get on ya * * and I'm kind of hungry, so make some lasagna *" "* I got a son * * he's like a big, fat urkel * * and when he's in the nude, he's like a big, fat circle * * did I do that?" "* * yeah, you're big and fat * * drinking melted butter for a midnight snack * * shout-outs to rallo * * hello, (bleep) * * you're two feet tall with a three-foot afro *" "* and my daughter roberta *" "* I don't mean to hurt ya * * but more dudes have laid on you * * than a mattress named serta * * y'all done best consider me * * you can't get rid of me *" "* I'm a cleveland steamer * * come and take a big old (bleep) * * my flow is the noise, white boys do my voice * * and my rhymes are even harder than sophie's choice. *" "Peace!" "(thunder rumbles)" "Damn." "Nick, nack, paddy wack, crack-a-lack, jack!" "I'm out." "All right, so your pops want me to put you up on game, right?" "You see them shorties?" "Go up and twist your fingers all up, like, "westside!"" "And be like, "what up, hos?"" "Then make them give you $40." "(girl sobbing)" "Yeah, so what happened with the fly honeys?" "Well, I called them all whores, like you said" "And then I explained what happens to whores." "And that made them sad," "But I told them how they could be saved," "Like I was with the purity pledge," "And then they gave me $22." "That's all they had." "I might be a virgin," "But I'll kick your ass if you do that again." "Hey, cleveland." "The birdcage?" "That's your son." "(laughing)" "(cleveland chuckling sadly)" "No, wait, wait, wait, wait." "Rebecca gayheart, that's your son." "(all laughing)" "Hey, lester, give me a hot sausage." "(chuckles)" "That is what she didn't say" "When she was with your son." "(all laughing)" "Okay, okay." "I got one." ""I'm cleveland jr." ""oh, no, my wiener fell off and broke." ""oh, that's okay." "I don't need it."" "(laughing)" "I'm not that broken sausage." "(sobbing)" "(sniffling)" "Don't cry, junior." "I want to lose my virginity so my daddy will love me." "Listen, my dad goes to this place." "Sometimes he has me wait in the car," "But I looked through the windows once," "And I saw people doing all sorts of naked things to each other." "I'm telling you," "It was like a live internet." "Will they take my virginity?" "For $35, they'll take anything" "And give you herpes." "My dad loves herpes!" "(snoring)" "(exhaling squeakily)" "(snoring)" "I hope I'm her first, too." "Hey, fellas." "Deviled egg, anyone?" "Kendra, there's deviled eggs." "You want to marinate 'em in your folds or eat 'em as is?" "I can't get out there." "Somebody done stole my rascal." "Probably some bla" "(coughing)" "I'll come and help you." "Hey, I brought these eggs for junior." "Where is he?" "He said he was coming over here." "I haven't seen him." "The rascal's gone." "And the money's missing from the whore jar." "Whore jar?" "It's where a man keeps his money for prostitutes." "I bet ernie took it." "Ernie!" "Where the hell are you?" "(snaps fingers) wait a minute." "If cleveland junior's not here and ernie's not here," "And the rascal's gone..." "And money designated" "Specifically for prostitutes is missing..." "Then cleveland jr." "Must have overhead us making fun of him." "And he and ernie decided to hotwire the rascal" "And take the money to the whorehouse" "To lose their virginities and regain your respect." "She's right." "Good job, mystery bunch." "Lester and I will take it from here." "Portal!" "(sniffing)" "Yep." "That's my kendra." "Hey, velvet." "Hey, mabel." "Hey, xianhanxinganwa." "You whores seen a couple of kids snooping around here?" "Are you looking for the guy that's about this wide," "Uh, he look like he could be your son?" "Yes, I am." "Oh, he up with one-arm mavis." "Oh." "Well, he's in good hand." "Wait, he's with two-virgine marlene." "Oh, no." "Not two-virgine marlene." "He's got a 50-50 chance of getting gonorrhea." "Bubblegum, bubblegum, in a dish." "How many pieces do you..." "Dad!" "Junior!" "Ugh!" "Come on." "We're getting out of here." "No." "I'm not going." "I'm going to stay here and see this through," "So you won't be ashamed of me anymore." "I'm not ashamed of you." "Well, I was, but that wasn't right." "I see that now." "Oh, junior, this isn't how I wanted you" "To experience your first time." "I thought maybe it'd be in the back of your car," "Or behind the bleachers, or in the woods on a pile of leaves" "With a blanket tossed on top," "With a girl who has to get up every few minutes to throw up." "The point is, it should be a beautiful thing," "And it will be-- when you're ready." "So, you're not ashamed of me?" "No." "Yes, you are." "Cleveland jr., will you do me the honor" "Of being my date at the purity ball?" "Real?" "I can do you both right here, right now" "For 40 bucks." "You know what?" "Aside from the fact that I'm a happily married man" "And that this is my son," "There's no way that he and I could do that" "Without crossing drumsticks." "So, thank you, ma'am, but no thanks." "(inspirational song playing)" "(song ends, applause)" "Well, aren't we a regular fred astaire" "And fred astaire, jr.?" "Thanks, dad." "I'll get us some purity punch." "Where did you learn to dance so well?" "You looked great out there." "My dad thinks I look hot." "Do you?" "(giggling) excuse me." "Back off." "He's the only boy here." "You know I think it's sweet" "That you gave your virginity to your dad." "I saw a lady with two virgines yesterday." "(laughing)" "I like you." "Oh, hey." "Dad, guess what?" "I just got kissed on the lips." "Oh, that's bull." "I'm serious." "It was that girl right there." "Maybe I should stay in charge" "Of my virginity after all." "Say, when did you lose your virginity, dad?" "When I was nine." "(upbeat, catchy song plays)" "Sync by honeybunny"