"¶¶" "Hey, thanks again for letting us leave early." "Why exactly are you letting us leave early?" "You know what, never mind, I'm not gonna bring it up, because then you might change your mind, and I..." "want to leave early." "You sure you don't wanna come with us to this off the chain club opening?" "I can get another VIP pass, because I am a PR god." "Thanks, Elliot, but I have a college buddy comin' over for dinner." "You guys go." "Have fun." "Oh, I will." "I plan on gettin' kicked out of the club tonight... and someone's bed in the morning." "Okay, so the lobster ravioli is warming on the stove, the side dishes are in the oven, and then there's cream pie for dessert." "Ooh, Boston?" "No, right there in the fridge." "Okay, so are you sure you don't need me?" "Gabi, stop worrying." "We're probably just gonna end up drinkin' beer and eatin' ravioli right outta the pot." "Pot!" "That's what I'm missin'." "How great is it that Josh is giving us the night off early?" "Mm-hm." "Why do you think he's doing that?" "Girl, let it go." "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." "You tell her, Seabiscuit." "(elevator dings)" "Um... who are you and why are you going here?" "Uh... this is the penthouse, right?" "I'm going to..." "Josh Kaminski's?" "Yeah, and why is that?" "He... hired me to serve him and his guest dinner?" "And why is that?" "Wouldn't you want a professional server if you were having a business dinner with Natasha Cook Campbell?" "(gasps) Natasha Cook Campbell!" "(urgent knocking on door)" "Coming!" "Uh, question." "Can you please make it quick?" "My college buddy's gonna be here any minute." "Oh, you mean your buddy, award-winning chef, lifestyle guru, millionaire mogul, and my idol, Natasha Cook Campbell?" "Dammit!" "(theme music playing)" "¶Shein thespotlight¶" "¶Andsheturnmyhead¶" "¶Sherunaredlight ¶" "¶' Causeshebadlikethat ¶" "¶I likethatooh baby, oohbaby,baby¶" "¶I likethatooh baby, oohbaby¶" "Okay, you know I'm obsessed with Natasha Cook Campbell." "I mean, she's a genius cook, brilliant businesswoman, she's best friends with Yeezy." "She's everything I wanna be, except for the..." "little bit of jail time." "I don't" " I don't understand why you wouldn't want me to meet her?" "'Cause of this." "What?" "Look at you!" "You're an obsessed nut job!" "I'm trying to do a business deal with Natasha, and the last thing I need is some crackpot trying to steal a lock of her hair!" "I'm sorry, Gabi, I can't trust you to act professionally." "Can't trust-- You can't trust me?" "Can I just say that if we were in a relationship," "I would be so hurt." "Can I just say this is precisely why we're not in a relationship." "Oh, well, can I just say I'm hurt anyway." "(knock on door)" "A multi-million dollar deal is on the line." "I know... and as soon as I get a lock of her hair," "I will be totally professional" "Oh my god" "I'm kidding!" "I'm gonna be a hundred percent pro-fesh." "Now excuse me," "I have a door to answer." "Welcome, Ms. Cook Campbell." "Ms. Cook Campbell, I'm Josh Kaminski." "Call me Natasha." "Natasha..." "(whispers) Cook Campbell." "Ooh, Elliot, tonight you went from schmuck to guy I wanna-- uch, too far." "But still, I'm impressed you were able to get us tickets." "When you're as well known as me in the biz, you ask and... (snaps fingers) things happen." "Hey, Elliot, do you know who the surprise guest is yet?" "Is it T. Swift?" "J. Cole?" "R. Kelly?" "Aww, it's so cute when the nothings get excited." "(phone ringing)" "Oh, it's the club." "Yes, this is Elliot Park." "Mm-hmm?" "The surprise guest is who now?" "It's Beyonce!" "It's Beyonce!" "It's Beyonce!" "(others freaking out)" "Sofia and Yolanda:" "Elliot!" "Elliot!" "Elliot!" "Hold on a second, I can't hear you." "People are chanting my name." "You were saying tonight's gonna be busy, and... what?" "You can no longer accommodate me?" "But you have to!" "For the first time in my life, people are worshiping me." "I'll do anything!" "I cannot be a nothing!" "Hello?" "Oh, no." "So, are we ready to roll?" "Actually, there's been an unexpected development." "I knew you wouldn't come through." "Why would you all of a sudden be "the man"?" "They... upgraded us to the front row!" "I knew you'd come through 'cause you the man!" "Beyonce's gonna sweat on us!" "Let's go!" "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "You wanna go now?" "So we can be the first ones there, and look like losers?" "How many times have you two been VIPs at a club?" "Both:" "Never." "Take it from a VIP OG." "Beyonce's not gonna go on until midnight." "The cool people show up at 11:45." "And you know what's better than seeing Beyonce?" "Huh!" "Nothing!" "Wrong!" "Drinking free booze here, instead of paying at the club!" "Aw, yeah, you know they do overcharge." "And water it down." "Exactly." "This'll be the night..." "we never... forget." "Or hopefully never remember, what?" "Natasha, at Kaminski Enterprises, you're getting more than just an app." "We're gonna take your books, your videos and your recipes, and tie them all together into one digital portal." "Hmmm." "I need to run this by Kiki." "What?" "You're Natasha Cook Campbell, you don't have to run things by anybody." "Well, no one..." "except Kiki Cook Campbell." "She's the only bitch I listen to." "(barks)" "Kiki, inside bark!" "She's like a daughter to me..." "except she's actually in my will." "Look, Josh, I'm gonna be blunt." "A little Tash talk, if you will." "You've pitched me the same thing as every other pasty tech mogul in town." "I want to attract a new demographic." "How are you gonna take my "Get Paid" chicken and introduce it to the younger generation?" "Your "Get Paid" chicken?" "Mm-hm." "(stammers)" "It's only her best recipe!" "It's called "Get Paid" chicken because when you finally get your paycheck, you can afford to cook yourself a good meal." "(gasps) Um, can I just say," "I actually" " I don't call it "Get Paid" chicken, because when I cook it for a date, it's such a hit," "I call it "Get Laid" chicken!" "Gabi!" ""Get Laid"?" "Natasha, I am so sorry." "I love it!" "I have been trying to hip up everything." "Two years ago I rejuvenated my lady business, and it's ideas like that that can rejuvenate my business business!" "Natasha, you wanna know what separates me from the other pasty people?" "Gabi Diamond!" "She's a great chef, beautiful, young, and oh, so fun!" "Gabi, I have a great feeling about you." "I think you and I are gonna be writing a cookbook together." "I'm sorry, I just blacked out for a moment." "You" " You wanna write a cookbook with me?" "Yes, you have a raw, sexy energy that I want in my books!" "And you were smart enough to hire her." "The contract is yours." "(phone rings)" "Oh, this is the fifth time my editor is calling me tonight." "Now she could use some of that "Get Laid" chicken." "Natasha, why don't you take it in my office?" "Oh, okay." "Hello?" "(singsong) I'm writing a book with Natasha Cook Campbell!" "(singsong) I'm doin' a digital platform!" "Oh my god..." "could things get any better?" "We're a power non-couple!" "Oh, Kiki, I almost stepped on you!" "Can you imagine if I stepped on Kiki Cook Campbell, who Natasha Cook Campbell loves more than her own daughter?" "(laughs)" "(barking)" "Stop!" "(barking)" "Kiki, stop-- (gasps) You want your ball?" "Do you want your ball?" "Here you go!" "Here's your ball, go get it!" "(barks)" "Both:" "Nooooo!" "Why would you throw a dog's ball over the terrace?" "I didn't throw it over the terrace, I threw it towards the terrace." "How was I supposed to know that balls bounce?" "I can't see her anywhere." "Yeah... 'cause she's in heaven." "This is horrible!" "Oh my god, she saw." "My editor was in a car accident, I have to get to the hospital." "Oh, thank God." "Oh, that's fantastic." "That is tragic!" "Horrible!" "All right, now where is Kiki?" "Uhh... uhh... say, Gabi, where is Kiki?" "Oh..." "look!" "Here she is." "(toy rattling)" "Oh, Kiki, time to go." "Oh, look-- look at that, she's following me, that's so cute." "Come here, Kiki, come here, Kiki..." "Kiki, now!" "Oh!" "Here's a thought." "Why don't Josh and I watch her, and you can just come pick her up later?" "Ohh!" "Oh, g" " I could never leave my baby." "But she is my editor." "Oh, God, it's Natasha's choice." "(crying)" "Did that seem real?" "Because that's what I'm gonna do when they take my picture outside the hospital." "That" " It was great." "It was really great!" "So believable." "We will watch Kiki." "Bye!" "Wow." "This was a really great night." "Well, except for my editor, who they think could be dead by the time I get there." "(dramatically) No!" "Not Diana!" "Noooo!" "Okay, that one might've been a little bit over the top." "I'm not gonna do that one." "I'm gonna go practice in the elevator." "All right, watch my baby for me, please." "Okay, we will!" "Bye." "Bye!" "In honor of Beyonce, all the single ladies do a shot!" "Yeah!" "Now all the divorced ladies do two!" "(laughs) My divorce was pretty rough." "I'll take three!" "(laughs)" "Kendrick?" "It's Sofia." "Eh" " Even though this might make things awkward at work," "I have to say..." "I love you." "And I wanna suck" "Okay!" "We're drunk enough to go." "(laughs)" "Waaait!" "You're gonna let Beyonce see you bitches without volume?" "Hair flip!" "Okay, let's go." "Wait a second." "It's only 9:00." "What did I say before, nothings?" "Don't show up early." "Or we'll look like losers." "Exactly." "So what do we do while we wait?" "Beyonce-tinis!" "A-ha!" "Atta girls!" "Did you find Kiki?" "Tell me you found Kiki." "I found her." "I found her." "A whole Kiki, or in Kiki pieces?" "Whole Kiki." "Whole Kiki." "How" " How the hell did she survive?" "Well, she miraculously landed on this." "Uh, Louis, this is Josh." "Josh, this is Louis." "Wow." "Kiki, thank God" "Nice place." "What do you do for a livin'?" "Work?" "And like I told the blonde here, this isn't Kiki, this is Wagon." "What?" "Damn, Wagon." "Can you believe this place?" "Look at the size of that ottoman!" "You still have the box it came in?" "What's going on here?" "Okay, so, I tried to tell Louis that Kiki was Natasha's dog, but he insisted that that was "Wagon,"" "short for "Off the Wagon," which he clearly is." "Okay... how much for the dog?" "Excuse me?" "Businessman to con man, how much do you want for Kiki?" "Five thousand?" "I told you, this isn't Kiki, this is Wagon, and Wagon is not for sale." "Ten thousand." "You know..." "this nice young lady invited me up for a home-cooked meal out of the kindness of her heart, and here you are, flashing all your money, trying to separate me from my only friend in the world." "Twenty thousand." "Heeeeere's Wagon!" "Hey, uh, Louis..." "do you" "Wanna go out with you?" "Nah!" "I'm rich now." "I got options." "Here ya go!" "Oh my god." "Josh, you just have that kinda money lying around?" "Gabi, I'm rich." "I have lots of money in my office." "Next to my full-time security guard." "Big guy, big, big guy!" "Anyway... buh-bye, Louis." "Well... take good care of Wagon now." "I'm off to the bank..." "or a race track." "Ha!" "Oh my god!" "We got Kiki back!" "We got Kiki baaack!" "Why aren't you happy?" "Uh, do you not remember that you just cost me $20,000?" "Do you not remember how we thought Kiki was dead, and now she's alive, and she's here?" "Do you not remember how none of this would've happened" "if you just went to that stupid club." "Okay, can we not do the "do you not remembers" because I think we all remembers." "Oh, especially the one where Natasha was out the door until I brought up "Get Laid" chicken!" "I mean, if it wasn't for me, you'd have nothing!" "Oh, right... because I didn't have my penthouse or-- or my company, or my millions before you rhymed "paid" with "laid"!" "Oh my god, you are being so-- -(dog barks)" "Kiki!" "Kiki, stop!" "Kiki, get off!" "Do you want your ball?" "Yeah, okay!" "(dog barks)" "Okay, come get your ball" "Stop!" "Stop!" "Have you learned nothing?" "You do not throw balls towards the terrace!" "No!" "No!" "Okay... at a certain point, it's the dog's fault!" "Ohhhh, she's gone this time, Gabi!" "She's gone, baby, gone!" "It's dead!" "My cookbook deal is dead!" "(phone ringing)" "Oh my god, Natasha's face-timing you!" "I'm not answering it!" "Okay, but if you don't answer, she's gonna think" "something horrible happened to Kiki." "Well, if I do answer it, she's gonna know something horrible happened to Kiki." "Okay, I'm just gonna hit ignore." "Dammit!" "I hit accept, I do that all the time." "Hi, Natasha!" "Hi,how'smy littleangel?" "Wouldyouputher  onthephone?" "Iwannaseeher face." "(very quickly) Tell her I took Kiki on a walk!" "What?" "Tell her I took Kiki for a walk!" "I don't know what you're saying, you tell her." "I took Kiki for a walk!" "And because I'm talking to you right now, because Gabi gave me the phone, that must mean I'm back with Kiki!" "(barking)" "Oh,I hearher!" "(barking)" "My god." "I hear her, too." "I hear her, too." "She alive... force!" "She's a life force, just perks up everything around her." "We adore her." "Aw." "Well,tellher  Mommy'sonherway  topickherbackup," "AndI loveher" "Okay, bye-bye!" "Oh my god, she's here!" "She's here!" "(whistling) -(gasps)" "Oh my god, she's on the terrace below us, she must've hit the awning and slid off onto the balcony," "we gotta go get her!" "We-- We can't just go into the apartment, it's empty, it's for sale." "Well, can't you just buy it?" "It takes a little longer than five minutes to purchase real estate!" "Excuse me for being a renter!" "Can I just say once again how glad I am we are not in a relationship?" "Can I just say I'm gladder!" "Can I just say I'm the gladdest, because if we were, I would have to stay here with you, but instead, I get to go home, and I get to watch the horror movie marathon" "that I DVR'd." "I'm gonna watch The Purge," "Insidious,Saw, SilenceoftheLambs-- (gasps)" "SilenceoftheLambs, oh my god, the fat girl's stuck in the well, and she puts the bone in the basket, and the dog jumps in, we gotta get a bone, and I'll be right back!" "(pop)" "(door slamming)" "Aaah!" "What the hell?" "Oh my god!" "How amazing was that?" "How amazing was what?" "Yeah, fool, what're you talkin' about?" "Very funny, guuuys!" "Beyonce!" "At the club toniiight!" "Oh my god!" "Look at the time!" "Two-thirty?" "Oh my damn, we missed the whole thing!" "Are you kidding me?" "We just got back!" "Do you seriously not remember anything that happened tonight?" "The last thing I remember was you yelling "chug, chug, chug,"" "while I drank vodka from a salad bowl." "Yeah, right before our limo showed up." "Limo?" "So... we went to the show?" "I don't remember any of this." "Well..." "Beyonce will remember you." "Backstage, you taught Blue how to sing Single Ladies in Spanish." "Todaslaschicassolteras?" "Then you and Beyonce stood by a mirror and laughed... because she said you two could be sisters!" "Now that you mention it..." "this is all comin' back to me!" "Ha!" "Finally!" "It was the greatest night ever!" "Yes, it was!" "Oh my god!" "I just remembered." "I made out with Beyonce's bodyguard!" "(Elliot laughing)" "That makes two of us!" "(all laughing)" "We partied with Beyonce!" "(all laughing)" "The PR god really came through for you guys!" "(both laughing)" "I'm gonna get going!" "Chant me out." "Both:" "Elliot!" "Elliot!" "Elliot!" "Elliot!" "God, the nothings are stupid." "Oh my god..." "I feel a tug!" "I think I got her!" "Okay!" "Just go slow!" "Go slow!" "Okay." "(doorbell rings) Go fast !" "Go fast!" "(gasps) Oh my god, Kiki, you're alive!" "Wait a minute." "All that and you don't even have the ball?" "Natasha, hey, how's your editor doing?" "Oh, she's gonna be fine." "You know, I didn't realize how much I truly cared about her until tonight?" "I mean, she's not just my editor." "She's my best friend." "Mm." "TMZ ate that up!" "Oh, there's my baby!" "I hope she wasn't too much trouble." "No, she just..." "played a lotta fetch." "Ha!" "Yeah, she really flies after those balls!" "Anyway... my people will be in touch about the project and the book." "Sounds good." "Looking forward to it." "And please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions." "Well, I do have just one-- why does my little girl have a dick?" "Uhhh..." "well, that's a good question." "Uh, first off, are you sure that he has-- oh, now I see it." "Where is Kiki Cook Campbell?" "Uh-- (barking)" "Okay, Natasha, here's the thing." "When we were on the phone, we were-- we were playing on the balcony, and then-- and then Gabi threw the ball, and then Kiki jumped and she fell" "In love!" "Kiki?" "Yep!" "That's her." "Here ya go." "This is so confusing." "Well, you know, with-- with all this talk about "Get Laid" chicken," "I looked at Kiki, saw she was alone, and thought as a fun, sexy story, for... our book, um, I could find her a boyfriend, and I did!" "Hence the... dick." "Um... (laughs) So meet..." "Wagon." "Why is he wearing her collar?" "Oh!" "We" " We just wanted Wagon to get used to Kiki's scent." "You know... pheromones." "Oh, and look at that, he loves her already." "Adorable!" "You two seem great together." "Wait-- Us?" "Are you insane?" "Not you, the dogs!" "(elevator dings)" "I'll be in touch tomorrow about the contract." "If you'll excuse me, I have a doggie wedding to plan and cater." "Third time's the charm." "Bye!" "Oh my god!" "I can't believe we pulled that off!" "Kiki must've also landed on the awning, slid off, and then, somehow, made her way up the stairwell." "Who cares!" "My god, you got the deal with Natasha freakin' Cook Campbell." "So did you." "You know, it's too bad we're not in a relationship." "We work well together." "We'd be a pretty good team." "Yeah, but then..." "someone would do something to make the other one mad." "What could you possibly do to make me any more mad than what you did tonight?" "I got her hair!" "And then get this..." "Beyonce calls me onstage to sing with her!" "Oh my god, you sang with Beyonce?" "Sang!" "With Yonce!" "Wow." "Well, you are not the only one who had a crazy night." "Natasha Cook Campbell's dog flew off Josh's terrace twice and lived, and I still got a cookbook deal out of it!" "Okay, Gabi, now it just sounds like you're making stuff up to top my story." "(knock on door)" "Am I?" "Or is that Natasha Cook Campbell bringing over the contracts for our book deal, ah, right now." "Hi, Natasha Cook Campbell." "Hi, Kiki Cook Campbell." "This is, uh, Sofia, my roommate." "Hi, Natasha." "Latina roommate, small enclosed spaces." "(shudders) Prison flashback." "Well, shall we make this official?" "Looks like you could use the money." "Well, where do I sign?" "(barks)" "Oh?" "Looks like" "I'm not the only one who's excited." "You'd think Kiki'd be tired after playin' all that fetch." "Aww..." "Kiki..." "You like to play fetch?" "Okay... go get it!" "(gasps, screams) -(car horn)" "Oh my god!" "(gasps) Nooooo!"