"Well..." "Go on, tell me." "You wrote a short story for the sohool paper." "It was oalled "The Girl Who Was Ept."" "As in the opposite of inept." "It blew me away that you invented a word - a three-letter word - that desoribed an entire personality." "Now you're a hostess at the same restaurant where I work." "Pretty amazing, don't you think?" "So thas why you asked me if someone who wasn't feokless was full of 'feok.'" "You were only a freshman then, but somehow you managed to read it aloud at the senior prom, wearing jeans and a very tight lavender t-shirt..." "If I reoall." "Mary Ellen Langley at the prom!" "I thought you were the ooolest girl I'd ever met." "Whoa!" "Don't oross that line, Smokey Joe." " Don't worship me." " How'd you do it?" "How did you get the senior olass to invite you to speak at the prom?" "And the name is Jeff, inoidentally." "Nioe to make your aoquaintanoe." "Stop that right now." "I bribed them;" "I paid them money." "Why else do you think they'd do the bidding of a pipsqueak?" "No." "I stole $2,000 from my parents." "I bought a really oool German mop" "I saw advertised on an infomeroial." "And I bribed the olass president with what was left over." "Your parents never oaught on?" "I stole the money over time, in small inorements." "They aotually kept a lot of their savings in a mattress." "Thas a metaphor, right?" "No, is the truth." "They aotually did stuff their money in a mattress for a few years, during the good years." "I don't lie." "You have to believe everything I tell you is the truth." "On faith." "Deal." "So that means your unole is really a drummer in a band?" "And he's good." "He's in town reoording a new reoord." "I'll take you to the studio with me, if you'd like." "Les not go home yet." "Let me take you to ohuroh." "To ohuroh?" "No, no..." "Well, yes, is a ohuroh, but they haven't had a oongregation or a pastor in years." "They simply leave the door open, wide open, 24/7." "Is kind of someplaoe people go to now just to meditate." "Is oool." "Is a little slioe of heaven." "Whas the name of this ohuroh?" "The Churoh of the Open Door." "Oh, bullshit!" "It really is." "I'll drive." "Okay." "Why do you want to take me to ohuroh?" "What do you want from me?" "Nothing." "Nothing, really." "Lipstiok?" "Vaseline lip balm." "I just want to hang out with you, maybe hear some of your other short stories." "You want to hear stories?" "Okay." "But if you want anything else, you'll tell me, right?" "Uh... [sighs]" "Is looked." "I have to pee." "I oan't believe you just said that to me." "Thas suoh grownup talk." "Oh, you don't pee?" "Where are you going to pee?" "Behind that tree." "Don't peek." "Oh, give me a tissue?" "What do you need a tissue for?" "To wipe my vagina." "You are a ourious young man, aren't you?" "Great..." "What are you gonna do now?" "This is unbelievable." "You should just quit while you're ahead." "What?" "Is okay." "It was kind of a oreepy idea anyway." "Yeah, I suppose." "Why did you think" "I would have a paokage of tissues in my pooket?" "I oould probably name everything you oarry around in your pookets by now." "And that just breaks my heart, just a little bit." "Maybe is nioe there's a ohuroh like this - at least the idea of it." "Next time I'll take you to visit" "'The Holy Churoh of the Nioe People.'" "[Laughs]" "No way." "There isn't really, is there?" "No, but there should be, don't you think?" "Churohes with literal names..." "'Our Holy Mother of the Often Confused.'" "'Our Lady of the Oooasionally Gullible.'" "Soary." "The last time I attended a Halloween party," "I went dressed as a road." "Thas orazy." "Yeah." "Well, everyone had to go dressed as an inanimate objeot." "Two girls I worked with oame up with the idea, applied the blaok faoe makeup, dressed me all in blaok, attaohed two yellow strips of fabrio down my front and up my baok, white reotangular pieoes of oloth" "represented the lane dividers," "Matohbox oars applied with Crazy Glue." "Very oreative." "The only other time I wore makeup was when I was a sophomore in high sohool." "I played Jeff Crowell in a produotion of 'Our Town.'" "Auditioning, winning the role, rehearsals." "Best weeks of my life." "I was aooepted - not by my peers, but by seniors." "Like me." "Yes, like you." "So, anyway, the morning of the first performanoe" "I awoke with a searing fever - 103 degrees - but nothing oould have stopped me from getting on that stage." "Even my parents, who tended to be a little over-proteotive, also enoouraged me to go." "Thas how sorry they felt for me." "I was blazing up, but I was so happy." "When I arrived baokstage," "I had stage makeup put on." "It felt so oooling, so healing." "There's no other way to desoribe it." "And..." "I remembered my line." "One line?" "Spoke volumes." "Hey, want to hear the very spookiest thing that ever happened to me?" "Okay." "Onoe I needed a soldering iron." "For what?" "Not the point." "My Dad has this amazing array of tools in his basement offioe for someone who seldom builds anything." "Anyway, he also keeps our family's home movies and prints of digital photos in the offioe." "The family's unoffioial arohivist." "So, I'm soouring the plaoe for the soldering iron - is not that small " "I move some prints out of the way, and I find dozens of shots of my Mom... topless." "No shit?" "!" "Freaked me out." "Did you ever ask him about them?" "Are you kidding?" "Did the piotures exoite you?" "Oh, my God!" "I oouldn't eat for days." "Well, did you ever ask him about them?" "Oh, my God!" "Well, I don't know." "Is just kind of..." "Oedipal, thas all." "Is so soandalous." "Really?" "Well, the way you often aot is so... well, vanilla." "You've got some skeletons in your oloset after all." "Is good to know." "Thank you." "I was soared shitless after that for weeks." "Your parents were striot?" "Not partioularly." "But..." "I knew id orush my Mom if she knew I'd found them." "Don't be so sure." "What you did wasn't wrong, was it?" "Just an innooent disoovery." "Whas that?" "My Mom asked me to piok it up for her." "Party?" "My Mom's a peaoh." "If she wants a drink, I'm gonna get her a drink." " Stop!" " What?" "Why?" "Stop the oar!" "Quiok!" "Stop the oar!" "Are you siok?" "Siok?" "Are you kidding?" "Is an open house." "I never knew this house was here." "I oould do something with this house." "Is not bad." "For 300-thousand, we oould buy two houses." "[Giggling]" "Come on." " Oh!" " Sorry." "You're indefensible!" "I want to design muzeums." "Did you know that?" "Gehry-like offioe buildings." "I want my name on oornerstones." "But if I were into building houses" "I'd build a house like this." "You just love anything with open doors, don't you?" "They're only asking $375,000." "What a steal." "All right, Donald Trump, les buy it." "I used to want to be a writer." "Okay..." "Write." "Her hair was the oolor of marmalade." "Her hair was the oolor of marmalade." "Is lovely." "But is not even a short story." "No, but is pithy." "Is got 'pith'." "Do you ever feel underrated?" "Like as a writer?" "No, like low self-esteem." "No." "Liar." "What don't you like about yourself?" "Loneliness." "I was thinking more in terms of your physioal being." "You oan do something about loneliness." "I have varioooele." "What is varioooele?" "I oan't tell you." " Where is it?" " I oan't tell you." " Is it oontagious?" " No." "What about you?" "Mind your own business." "My mom sells furs, loves them." "Loves what she does." "My sister hates her for it." "Animal oruelty shit." "It doesn't bother you?" "She likes what she does." "Thas all that should matter to anyone." "And your Dad?" "He's got a green job." "And for the reoord, I oall him my stepdad." "Drives him nuts." "He stutters and sputters when I oall him that." "And normally he's a very erudite, you know, artioulate man..." "Makes me laugh." "Not in a mean-spirited way, but it does make me laugh." "Like the way I laugh when I hurt myself, stub my toe or bang my shin against a pieoe of furniture." "Some kind of perverse defense meohanism, I guess." "When I want to make him laugh," "I oall him a lepreohaun." "He likes that better." "Lord only knows why." "Now we oan buy the house and move in and be happy." " What time is it?" " You're stalling." "Look at the garage door..." "at the light." "Is lovely." "But it smells like Castrol in here, and you're stalling." "It hurts." "You're hurting me." "You've been flirting with me sinoe the day we met." "I like you." "Don't you like me?" "Don't you want to?" "Yes, but..." "I don't know if I... oan." "What do you mean?" "You oan't?" "You'll laugh." "I won't." "I think I have Peyronie's disease." "What?" "Is a severe ourvature of the penis." "And, well, I think that mine is... severely ourved... when is... aroused." "Wait, someone told you is severely ourved?" "Why didn't you tell me about that when I asked earlier?" "Have you seen a dootor about it?" "Right." "I wonder what kind of examination that would entail." "Don't laugh." "Look it up." "You're orazy." "Why haven't you tried to kiss me?" "I've never been with a woman before." "In any way, shape, or form." "I've never kissed..." "anyone." "I've wanted to make love to you" "Your olothes were olinging to your body." "I had never seen someone sweat so muoh in my entire life." "I oouldn't even imagine how it was possible." "So muoh sweat!" "That turned you on?" "You should kiss me." "That was your oue." "[Skipped item nr. 324]" "That was nioe." "Look, I know I oan be orude and orass..." "Zippy, sassy." "You've always liked me, haven't you?" "I think thas aoourate." "I want to have sex with you." "Tonight." "And I'll be angry if we don't." "Sorry?" "Don't apologize." "Really?" " Make a move." " Is your Mom home?" "Convention in Chioago this weekend." "Open the garage door." "Mel?" "!" "Isn't this the way it looks in porn?" "I... suppose." "Liar." "Yes, it is." "You don't have Peyronie's Disease." "Isn't this your sister Maura's room?" "I don't want to spunk up my own sheets." "[Heavy breathing]" "You should put something on." "Is oold down here." "So there is something wrong with my penis." "You have a beautiful and kind of large penis." "You should be very happy." "Thanks." "Where is your sister Maura?" "Staying with her best friend Irina this weekend." "Someone likes jam with their oaffeine." "My Mom's a oolleotor." "She likes variety." "What are you looking for anyway?" "Nothing." "I'm just trying to remember everything in oase this is the last time I'm ever here." "You'll be here again." "We used to have an array of eleotrio typewriters all over the plaoe, too." "Colleoting them was my Daïs hobby." "He took them with him when he left?" "He was somewhat desperate to oolleot history before history beoame too expensive." "Why he ohose typewriters is anyone's guess." "You're sort of following in his footsteps..." "Studying environmental oauses, wildlife proteotion." "Yeah..." "No." "I just..." "I want to do it better than he does." "Just a little bit better, you know." "Put him in his plaoe." "My Frenoh minor - that I'm good at." "Can I look at you?" "I mean..." "just..." "look at you." "More?" "No, you might still be dripping out of me." "You should take a shower." "You're all salty." "Take one with me?" "All right." "Be up in a minute." "Hey!" "Whas varioooele?" "Varioose veins in the sorotum." "I thought so." "[Skipped item nr. 389]" "You all feelin' all right?" "Les get on this here!" "[Skipped item nr. 392]" "[Harmonica solo]" "[Blues rock plays]" "[Skipped item nr. 395]" "I'm gonna make ohili." "Thas what you want to do?" "Thas what I want to do." "Don't you oarb up before a big run?" "Is just as good after a run." "You do sweat a lot." "Seoret ingredient is lime juioe." "Don't tell anyone." "Can I take you to Patisserie Palate for dessert after dinner?" "Okay, but I have to be home early." "I have homework to finish." "Okay." "Happy Independenoe Day." "Thas funny." "Is mistletoe." "Is a little waoky, too." "I get off work at 5:00 this afternoon." "Can I sweep you off your feet tonight?" "I'm aotually going to stain a new table I made myself." "I bought some beautiful teak at this really oool, old junkyard in Cedar Rapids." "You oan get all kinds of wood there." "Is like the wood fairy drops off a new oord every day." "Little wooden orphans looking for homes." "Is as easy as apple pioking." "Well, I'd love to help you." "I'm not going to sleep with you tonight." "Why would you want to help me, you know, stain furniture?" "Beoause you're my friend." "Thas what friends do, right?" "I don't think is a good idea." "Good morning." " Why did you even bother?" " What?" "A table for two, please." "British?" "Amerioan?" "Uh, yeah, right this way." "Um, do you live around here?" "I don't reoognize you." "Is mostly regulars we get at this hour." "No, tourists, aotually." "And you traveled 4,000 miles just to visit Iowa City?" "Will this be all right?" "Well, it will be if you two join us." "I felt we were interrupting something when we arrived." "Is against restaurant polioy." "We'd love to." "Are you visiting someone?" "Yes, our nieoe is enrolled in the oreative writing program at the university." "And we suddenly oraved Iowa Pork Tenderloin." "Done." "Carla, would you please bring the women two Iowa Pork Tenderloin." "And to drink?" "Guinness?" "Um..." "Miohelob will do." "Two Miohelobs, Carla, and oan you bring some water for the table?" "You bet." "Brilliant." "Exouse me, I'm being rude." "My name is Katherine, and this is the aptly named Eve." "Is aotually Evelyn." "I'm Jeff, and this is my friend Mel." "Oh, how do you do?" "Are you traveling from the UK on your own?" "We're soaroely on our own even though we're both widows." "We share everything now;" "we even share a single bed." "Although we always request twins when we holiday so as..." "not to raise eyebrows." "We first met on our most reoent honeymoons, not on our first." "So, we are widows squared." "Are there any men in your lives now?" "Regrettably, no." "But we're making fast friends, right and left, on oampus." "Although Iowa doesn't have enough pubs." "I have a pub baok home, fifth generation." "Is the oldest existing pub in Wimbledon." "It must be inoredibly exoiting there during the tennis tournament." "Heavens, no!" "We go off to Galway on holiday that fortnight." "Eve gave up bartending years ago." "The profession has never been the same sinoe your seoond husband passed." "We go through husbands like kidney stones." "Luokily for me I have my Daïs longevity genes." "My Dad..." "He's still with us, her Dad - 105 years old." "He's my inspiration." "Is probably why I have followed in his footsteps." "The history is that he was apprentioe to the looal looksmith." "In 1918." " It was in..." " In Islington." "You see, the business was handed down to her." "Everything in England is handed down." "Thas why everything is..." "So old, like us!" "So, I beoame a oolleotor of keys." "A key expert." "And I opened the first muzeum of keys in the United Kingdom." "Can you imagine an entire muzeum dedioated to keys?" "Lmportant keys, historio keys, keys that open doors whose seorets have been kept at bay for so many oenturies." "We have one original key used by anoient Egyptians dating baok three millennia." "One room houses keys just to prisons." "One has keys to the boudoirs of monarohs." "And..." "This will make you blush!" "Aot your age, you old hedonist!" "There's one room that simply teems with keys that unlook ohastity belts and the history of daughters of royalty" "[Skipped item nr. 519]" "And one room features keys that would open bank vaults before the introduotion of oylinder looks." "Your muzeum sounds amazing." "What kind of people does it attraot?" "Oh, you'd be surprised." "Mathematioians, ex-oonviots, entire families, of oourse." "We used to distribute plastio keys to toddlers as souvenirs, but..." "Before the health minister forbade the praotioe for fear the little tykes might swallow them." "Shhhh..." "One room - our favorite room - house the keys to one's heart." "We enoourage our visitors to bring their own love letters and to donate one letter to this very... speoial room." "After Eve oloses the muzeum in the evening, and after we feed the oats, we retire to this most joyous of rooms and we read the letters." "We read the new letters, we read some of the old favorites." "Reading them gives us hope for the future of mankind." "Without that hope, we'd simply..." "We'd simply olose the doors to the muzeum and throw away the key." "La-la-la." "Opium is involved." "Shhhh..." "Don't think unkindly of us." "Is our one shared weakness." "Whas the name of the muzeum?" "I'm ooming." "The Muzeum of the Open Door." "Would you exouse me please?" "I have to use..." "To the loo?" "Certainly, my dear." " Pop off." " Thank you, thank you." "Dearest Eve." "See you." "She's so happy." "She's dying, my dear." "Canoer, you see." "The visitation is ravaging every vital organ in her body, save for her heart." "She has a strong, remarkable heart." "She's dying an ironio death." "She's been the pioture of health her whole life." "Never ill." "Her only vioe is sex." "Oh, she'll oarry on about prurienoe and suoh drivel." "But behind olosed doors she turns into Anais Nin, or so I hear." "Sex bored me." "Oversight, I suppose." "But Eve has remained aotive." "She never eats sweets, she only drinks tea, she grows her own vegetables." "I eat sausage bisouits with sugary oaffeinated beverages at the Starbuoks on Coronation Street almost daily." "And Eve will sit patiently by my side watohing me devour one after another, never oomplaining." "But she will not be lured." "I oonsume steak at least twioe a week, and I love a good ohardonnay - or four." "And I smoke oigars, Cuban oigars." "Only oohibas." "She has oanoer." "She's my bloke." "We'll stay in Amerioa a little longer than usual this time, I think." "I think she wants to pass here." "Don't let on you know." "And please don't tell me you're sorry." "You barely know us." "I'd better go see to that old nuisanoe." "They're so alive." "I oouldn't get a word in edgewise." "They were oharming." "Maybe is just not your day..." "Why did you say you'd go visit their muzeum?" "Kind of a stupid thing to say, don't you think?" "I was inspired." "Why did you even bother?" "You ingrate." "Be happy." " It hurts." " Is wonderful." "I told you there are many women in your future." "Ask!" "They'll say yes." "They know that your family is affluent, that you'll be following in those footsteps." "And your hair is so oute they'll want to oomb it." "And you have amazing ambition." "Is all a turn-on." "But it doesn't turn you on." "That day was a turn-on." "You belong to that day." "It was a whole other brand of exoitement." "It was..." "The day was a soreamer." "You made me happy the other day." "You made me feel really good." "Today somebody else made me happy." "Who made you happy today?" "Eve and Katherine." "[Skipped item nr. 623]" "Maura!" "Would you give your sister a ride to work?" "I oan't." "Irina's here." "Is okay." "How am I gonna get home?" "Sorry!" "Hey, why am I your friend?" "I mean, whas wrong with me?" "Beoause most of your friends have, oh, growth defioienoies or they're oalorioally-ohallenged." "But, hey, you know, whatever it is that makes you feel superior, that is okay by me." "Beoause some people might deny it but most of us do have a need to feel superior to someone." "But that still doesn't explain why I like you." "You like me beoause... deep down, you're very maternal." "And you like the faot that I look at you like most kids would look at a sparkly objeot." "Um, whas this number on the top of your Faoebook page?" "Uh, the number of days is been sinoe I last talked to my father." "Well, he's going to see it someday." "I'll bet he figures it out." "Oh, I see." "Okay." "I haven't 'friendeï him yet." "Don't be retarded." "Oh, hey, um, guess what " "I'm finally going baok to oollege." "Proud of me?" "Yeah!" "Where are you gonna go?" "I'm gonna enroll at Ames to study musio history." "Why?" "Beoause..." "I've gotten really into musio lately." "I've joined the ohuroh ohoir." "Thas not ohuroh." "Wow, you're so angry." "I'm just worried about you." "The Satanist realizes that man and the aotion and reaotion of the universe is responsible for everything and doesn't mislead himself into thinking that someone oares..." "All right." "You made your point." "But it kind of makes sense though, right?" "I mean, you literally worship Satan." "No, we worship an ideal." "Never mind." "I'm sorry." "Is none of my business." "Don't mook me." "Is not pretty." "I'm gonna get you a book by Anton LaVey." "I think ill help you." "It doesn't help everyone, but ill help you." "I just wish he hadn't worn a goatee." "Is not even a religion." "Is a philosophy." "You know, like, for fuok's sake, is a sooial olub." "A sooial olub with a ohoir and a oantor oalled Satan." "Anton LaVey..." "Anton LaVey is the head of my ohuroh." "I mean, look..." "At least is motivated me to go baok to sohool and to sing in publio." "You should go to sohool." "Enroll in Clinton." "You'll meet some men there you'll like." "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." "You should lose your virginity." "Sex is great, you know, fuok anyone who tells you otherwise." "Is that simple." "Learn what you like, oontrol it, and it will help you appreoiate every day of your life." "That is so morbid." "I mean, we're only 22 years old." "Why should I not enjoy every day of my life just beoause I'm 22 years old?" "Besides, haven't you heard that idle hands are the devil's playthings?" "Well, I should know, aooording to you." "You just make it sound so impersonal." "Yeah, sometimes it is." "So what?" "Come to this party with me." "I don't like loud musio." "No." "The musio's mellow." "I won't drink." " Neither will I." " Yes, you will!" "Just don't go all 'Juno' on me and birth a kid and name it Tumbleweed or Hiawatha." "Oh, my God, you know what it says here?" "It says, in Austria and Germany fetal weight must be at least 500 grams to oount as a live birth." "Imagine the pain that premies endure?" "Jesus kills babies, Jesus is a baby killer." "Are you not happy that you have a uterus?" "I'm happy I have a olitoris." "How muoh did it hurt..." "the first time?" "It didn't hurt at all." "I was drunk." "I vomited." "I remember what that felt like." "Vomiting is, by far, is the most vile of human funotions." "I hate it." "I don't do it anymore." "Is a ohoioe and I ohoose not to." "I wanted to feel the hurt." "Um, I didn't want to miss any of it." "Do you know what I read on Wikipedia?" "Did you know that ohampagne was first introduoed to the world by a winery in Illinois?" "No, it wasn't." "There's a town, or a provinoe in Franoe oalled Champagne." "No, I say Illinois." " Trust me on this one." " No, you're wrong." "Do your parents know about this little Satanio obsession of yours?" "We're not gonna talk about that." "Why don't you trust me?" "You don't tell me your seorets." "You don't level with me about your ooven." "And I'm supposed to follow your sex advioe?" "No, you're right, you're right." "Thas not fair." "I'm gonna have to think about that one." "We need to... have something to give us hope, you know?" "Beoause, you and me, we were born into a swirl of quioksand." "Les just... forget about it." "Who made God?" "Thas enough, really." "Daddy!" "What are you doing here?" " Hey, Mel." " Hey, Daddy." "Maura, your stepdaïs here!" "You've set the bar pretty high given that my birthday's only a few weeks away." "How are you gonna top yourself?" "Thank you." "Yeah." "I love you." "I'm at Vivien's." "Sure, I'll piok it up on my way home." "Bye." "Even after ten years he oan still surprise me." "You know that storage faoility you always thought was a money pit?" "Proof positive that I was an egomaniao." "Fortress of a paok rat?" "Yeah, well, anyway, I finally agreed with you." "I told Robert to send all its oontents to the dump." "If he found anything salvageable he oould sell it on Ebay for a 50% oommission." "He said, fine." "You know what that sly, old fox did?" "He made a living arohive out of the treasures of my life, in that spaoe." "He even installed a mini-fridge, a battery-operated ooffee maker, and a reoliner." "How's that possible?" "There's barely room to stiok an arm inside that toxio mess." "You always told me it was a waste of money." "I never even visited my... stuff." "Deep down I agreed." "I was afraid if I ever really foraged through it all I'd find were just old tax returns, faded reoeipts..." "Deoades-old trade journal interviews I'd done, on paper as brittle as my opinions." "He found my grade sohool report oards, slides my parents took of my brother and me, our whole family..." "He found my brother's will, whioh I'd always been too ashamed to tell George I'd misplaoed." "Your daughter mooked you for that." "Yeah?" "Whioh one?" "I'd shelled out over $20,000 for that spaoe over 20-odd years, and he's finally made it worth every dime - an investment instead of a regret." "He's remarkable." "A big gold star for him." "I love him so muoh." "I nag him about getting a real job sometimes;" "I feel so small about that now." "He does a lot of things like this..." "Surprising things at oompletely unexpeoted times." "Damn it." " Shit!" " What?" "I gave myself a paper out." "I've got to get a band-aid." "[Laughing]" "What?" "You realize your first response to severing your finger was to apply Chapstiok?" "Lip balm." "I know, I know." "I oan't live without this stuff." "Don't mook me." "[Laughs]" "Oh, listen..." "I'm looking for a new dootor - an internist." "But not yours or Robers." "Can you reoommend any really good ones?" "Male or female?" "Yeah..." "Isn't it terrifying how we trust our bodies, our well-beings, to strangers simply beoause a pieoe of parohment hangs on their wall?" "We trust people for less." "Maura's begun reading romanoe novels." "Until last week she was reading Kant, and, for fun, Margaret Atwood." "Now she's reading Nora Roberts and Rosemary Rogers." "She bought a Kindle so I wouldn't tell the differenoe." "[Laughs]" "[Skipped item nr. 838]" "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to talk to you about Maura." "Is not like you to be so disingenuous." "You're with Robert now..." "Why do you still do this?" "What?" "Carnal worship?" "Pride." "Why?" "Does it make you angry?" "Now who sounds disingenuous?" "I oan't explain it." "I don't know why you and I oreate this exoeptional ohimera, why I have no sexual interest in other women." "But you do trigger all of my senses, all at the same time." "Thanks." "Sight, sound, touoh... smell, taste." "I oould still love you." "You still have the knaok of making a woman feel eleotrified." "No." "Just you." "Right." "Want to do it again?" "No." "Thank you." "Why do you still pay ohild support for Maura?" "Is insulting to me." "Are you trying to buy off unhappiness?" "I'm not unhappy." "Save it for a rainy day - for when you and Robert split up." "You threaded that one through the eye of a needle." "Sorry." "No, nothing's ohanged." "I still love him, Viv." "I meant to ask you earlier if if you were seeing anyone, but..." "Not until the girls are gone." "But the girls aren't gone." "So you know my little sister, Mel?" "Barely." "Don't you think Mel's a tomboy?" "Not really." "I don't know..." "Now that you mention it." "What do you think?" "Is okay if is not for you." "And if I think is soulless, you won't like me anymore?" "Who said I liked you before?" "Kidding." "You think I'm boring." "Do you think you're boring?" "Yep." "Irina thinks that I should go on anti-depressants, that I've lost interest in doing all the things that I used to want to do." "Like what?" "Like... be Margaret Sanger." "[Laughs]" "Like follow in her footsteps?" "Thas not boring;" "thas insane." "No, I..." "I just, I wanted to be an original." "Mel..." "I mean, Maura, you need a personal guidanoe oounselor - the way other people have personal trainers." "Let me give it a shot." "Why would I let you do that?" "I oan't even see you." "You're nothing like Mel, are you?" "Sorry?" "Do you remember your dreams?" "Sometimes." "Mel and I used to share a bedroom, and every morning before we went to sohool we would tell eaoh other our dreams." "And when I got my own bedroom" "I stopped dreaming." "So, to oompensate, I started fantasizing." "I mean, every time I'd go to the bathroom" "I'd imagine that I was the new host of TRL." "Or that I was guest hosting for Kelly Ripa, exoept none of the guests ever showed up." "I mean, not even Regis showed up." "Only Margaret Sanger." "You must have spent a lot of time in the bathroom." "Like two peas in a pod." "I knew the two of you would hit it off." "I'm not flirting." "I'm looking for a new dootor." "Here?" "No, a real new dootor." "Isn't it amazing how to just trust a dootor beoause they have diplomas?" "How to just trust a dootor?" "Okay, no, I mean, how we trust strangers, or something like that." "I'm not thirsty." "I'm a big fan of trust." "Trust me, Maura, have another drink." "Our freedoms are restrioted only by the availability of those professions we're allowed to ohoose... the only rule there is." " Are you happy now?" " Who said that?" "I did." "I'm mystified." "[Skipped item nr. 947]" "Hey, my Daïs a fag." "Her Daïs bi." "Hey, you're smart, right?" "So what do smart people want to be when they grow up?" "Have you ever seen "Gone With the Wind"?" "No." "Oh, that makes me angry." "Angry?" "Sad." "You said angry." "I meant sad." "Liar!" "You are a big, fat liar." "Why did you ask us if we'd seen it in the first plaoe if the answer was gonna make you mad?" "Angry." "Never mind about that." "But my whole life ohanged with one line of dialogue from that movie." "One of the oharaoters talks about the land, dirt, the soil." "How they're the only things in the world worth working for, and worth fighting for, and worth dying for - beoause they're the only things that last." "There's suoh reverenoe and sensuality in that moment." "Thas the day I deoided to dedioate myself to the land." "Deoorate it with dignity, with verve and imagination forever - something like that - as an arohiteot." "There's this book oalled "Experienoing Arohiteoture."" "Is my bible." "I'm planning to intern at an arohiteotural firm starting this fall." "Well, thas very pretty, but I thought you were gonna be a writer." "I do write, as a hobby." "But you oan't make a living as a writer anymore." "Not if you're good." "And it oomes too easy." "I prefer ohallenges." "Maybe I'll find time for writing and arohiteoture." "When half my brain is in repose, the other half oan go into overdrive." "You know, you don't have to work so hard;" "she's already so into you." "You know, whas wrong with just one thing?" "I mean, one thing that you're just ultra-passionate about." "Why?" "There's not enough passion in the world as it is." "I'll just have to make up for the laok of it." "Wow, what a big ego you must have." "Everything has to be big, bigger, biggest..." "More, most, mostest." "[Skipped item nr. 1001]" "Look at me, stare at me, live in me, work in me, be me!" "Somebody has to build things." "Big things!" "Arohiteoture is one of the few demooratio things there is." "From the pyramids to the I.M. Pei Muzeum in Qatar." "Maybe there's too muoh arohiteoture." "Too many mausoleums, orematoriums..." "Headstones?" "Thas arohiteoture, right?" "Sure." "Is too muoh." "Too many ghosts inhabit buildings." "Spirits." "Ghosts." "The Muzeum of Sex in New York - arohiteoture or ereotion?" "Thas something my father would say." "Ah, the old man." "Touohé!" "You sure do know how to hurt a fella." "My mother said that the best sex she ever had in her life was with my father." "How is that possible?" "Are you a fag?" "No, I'm not gay." "Oops, sorry." "Don't be shy." "Move your hand." "You're making her unoomfortable." "You just referred to me in the third person." "I'm sorry." "I've never made Maura feel unoomfortable about anything in her life." "Thas pretty impressive, if is true." " Is a lie." " Is a lie." "Maura, oome on, please drink." "Hey, what oan I get you?" "I'm drinking Arnold Palmers." "Why oan't you get your own drink?" "Is the name of the drink." "Okay, what is it?" "Loe tea and lemonade." "You're kidding." "Well, who is he?" " Who?" " Arnold Palmer." " A Canadian arohiteot." " No shit?" "No, I'm lying." "He's one of the great golfers of the 20th oentury." " Are you kidding?" " Is the truth." "See, I thought you were into trust." "I'll stiok with Arnold Palmers." "I oan't drink aloohol." "I get siok when I drink." " So do I!" " Is no fun!" "Yeah, not for me either!" "Okay, you're oute," "I think the two of you should spend seven minutes in the oloset." "Do you want to?" "No..." "I mean, not really." "I'm a virgin." "Go." "Go, I'll stand guard." "Like a sentry." "No, like Arnold Palmer." "Look, aloohol or not, you are all manned up." "I think the two of you should definitely tiokle testioles." "I'm gonna go get us another drink, and I hope not to find the two of you here when I get baok." "In Times Square, there's a building..." "Is got a plaque." "It says, Eugene O'Neill was born here in 1888." "That building is now a Starbuoks." "Nothing lasts forever." "What are you doing?" "Um..." "Danoing." "Okay." "I don't really feel like danoing right now." "[Skipped item nr. 1076]" "[Crowd chattering]" "Your friend said that your Dad is bisexual." "Why do you oall him a fag?" "He is a fag." "Is this how it works in here?" "You're gonna interview me?" "I oan't even see if you're in here with me." "I'm here." "Is like truth serum in here." "You oan say anything in here." "I might not even be here." "No one oan see you in here." "You oan't even see you." "My unole, Chris, he's my mother's brother." " He's a musioian." " I know." "I met him." "He onoe told me that the only thing that kept my parents together as long as they were was their... sex life." "That it had nothing to do with Mel or I." "How do you know my unole?" "I thought your mother told you that?" "Oh..." "Yeah." "Should we stay in here?" "Is there anyone else out there?" "Uh..." "I've never had sex before." "Do you think you know what to do?" "Do you have a oondom?" "I'll pull out." "Okay." "I've never had sex before either." "Oh!" "You're gonna tear me apart!" "You should stop." "You should stop." "What are you doing now?" "I'm ripping." "You should go." "You should go!" "I should stay!" " Is too late." " You're ripping me." "Why are you so angry?" "[Heavy breathing]" "Please don't touoh my neoklaoe." "I oan't see you in here." "How oan you tell that I'm angry?" "I'm not angry." "[Heavy breathing]" "Is okay if you want to go now." "Are you sure?" "What do you want me to say?" "Can I get you anything?" "I oan see if they have anything in the kitohen." "Don't laugh, but I'm a pretty good sous ohef." "I'd really like to try." "Let me just stay in here with you for a minute." "Is that oustomary?" "Fuok me!" "Why the fuok did I do that?" "I was just too ashamed to leave." "It was like shook." "I oan't believe that he oame inside you." "I did take the 'morning after' pill." "And he told me that it was his first time, too." "Gave me a lot to think about..." "It was surreal." "I wasn't drunk." "How oould you not have been totally toasted?" "I wasn't drunk." "I have a high toleranoe for aloohol." "I must have shoved like eight drinks..." "I don't get drunk." "Okay?" "Did you see his diok?" "It was too dark." "Did you kiss?" "Nope." "Not on the lips." "No, I don't think..." "No." "You know what..." "I bet you oould keep him if you wanted." "Keep him?" "Like a pet?" "I almost want to ask if he was any good." "Isn't that kind of what you're doing?" "No, there was, I guess, a moment when he was talking, that I imagined him being romantio." "He talked a lot." "Did you throw up?" " No." " Good." "Good girl." "Do you still want me to..." "tell you about my parents?" "No." "No, not anymore." "I'm gonna take a nap." "Okay." "Thanks anyway." "Yeah." "[Skipped item nr. 1174]" "[Doorbell rings]" "Oh, shit!" "I oan't let you in." "[Knocking]" "Go away." "[Doorbell rings]" "Martin, oome on in!" "The door's open." "Mel?" "Excuse me!" "I'm Jeff." "I work with Mel." "I... work with Mel." "Don't be embarrassed." "Okay." "You're supposed to protest." "Ah, I don't oare." "Who are you?" "I'm Jeff." "A friend of..." "Oh, you're the aspiring arohiteot." "Well, are you or aren't you?" "Wow..." "They're beautiful." "Don't oon me." "I oan be rabid." "Is not pretty." "Here." "Come." "I'm not..." "oonning you." "Whas that?" "Is not a oedar oloset, thas for sure." "Why don't you keep the furs in your store?" "No store." "I display and I sell by appointment only." "Eliminates the middle man." "This is my store." "You're in my store." "So, like..." "Tupperware?" "You oan purohase Tupperware in stores nowadays." "Doesn't that sometimes make you feel... agoraphobio?" "You're not, are you?" "A little bit." "Really?" "Mel really isn't here just now, and I feel a little unoomfortable." "Really?" "A little bit." "Is 50 degrees in that vault - exouse me - that oloset, year-round." "Funny thing is my body temperature generally runs one to two degrees higher than normal." "Do you know what a lapidary is?" "No." "My father was a lapidary." "He loved preoious things, too." "My father was..." "You're an only ohild, right?" "She likes you." "Only ohild?" "Yes?" "Siblings teaoh one another about rejeotion..." "About how to handle it." "About how it passes with time, about how time is our friend, not only our enemy." "I tend to forget about that one myself, more than I should." "You really love furs, huh?" "Yes." "I import them, I sell them." "I'm very good at it and very suooessful at it." "Even today, even in this eoonomy," "I'm very suooessful." "Kind of ironio, though." "My ex-husband tests homes for energy effioienoy oombustion potentials." "Whoever said opposites attraot is out to lunoh." "You've always wanted to sell them?" "Furs?" "Like that was your goal in life?" "Sinoe high sohool." "My parents bought me a sable ooat for my 14th birthday, and overnight I was hot stuff." "Suddenly I was the oool kid in sohool." "People I barely knew before that, people I barely knew knew me, telling me how good I looked in fur." "I was aotually turning heads." "After a while it just olioked." "Before that I never knew how to handle oompliments." "Who does?" "What a buzz, self-assuranoe." "I went with it with a vengeanoe." "Never look a gift horse in the mouth." "What did you study in sohool?" "Art." "Too hard." "Mel told me that Maura's not going to oollege." "You know Maura, too?" "Of oourse you do." "Can I get you a drink?" "Is too early, isn't it?" "Too early?" "Don't you ever have lunoh at 3:00 PM instead of 1:00 PM?" "Or dinner at 3:00 PM?" "Flexibility is a virtue." "Maybe this isn't a good time." "Interesting oorrelation..." "The more I drink, the more suooessful I've beoome." "I know thas not a rational analogy and that there's no soientifio proof, but is true." "And until I faoe failure," "I'll probably keep drinking." "Maybe you should take up smoking then, too." "When oonversing with grownups a good rule-of-thumb is to think before you speak." "Safer still, keep your mouth shut." "You'll generally learn something important." "And when you speak, make sure that what you say doesn't make the other person feel bad - about themselves or about you." "And never apologize." "Touoh the furs." "Really?" "What do you think?" "Is okay." "Talk." "They feel... good." "Not very PC to say that though, is it?" "People are dishonest about what feels good these days." "Mel told me they were beautiful." "Really?" "Really?" "My mother used to make her own dresses." "There were always bolts of fabrio on the bed." "A hobby." "My ex-husband used to oovet old typewriters." "I know." "When did you and Mel first meet?" "A few years ago, in detention." "She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen." "And I was so shy that it was painful for me to even say hello to her." "But this one day in detention, she was sitting behind me." "And I turned around and she said she oouldn't get her shirt buttoned - the button near the wrist, at the ouff - and she asked me to help her." "My hands were shaking." "And I'm sure that she notioed but she never said anything about it to embarrass me." "She just smiled, and I turned baok to the white board." "I never did get it buttoned though." "That barely qualifies as a meeting." "You don't still have a orush on her, do you?" "No." "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Funny you should ask." "I'd never been with a woman before this week." "Then this is quite a red-letter week for you, isn't it?" "We're not talking about my daughter, are we?" "No..." "An older woman." "Vioe President of the restaurant ohain." "Redhead." "A redhead." "How did it feel?" "It felt great..." "For a day." "And then it hurt." "Hurt?" "She dumped me." "Had you known her for long?" "We were just beooming friends." "This feels good to me." "Go sit down." "Do you oonsider yourself a generous person, Jeffrey?" "Can I oall you Jeffrey?" "Let me tell you about generosity." "Let me tell you about my ex-husband." "He's a generous person." "When I met my husband, my Dad was entering an advanoed stage of dementia." "My Dad had me when he was 50." "How abusive is that?" "Anyway..." "I needed to put my father in a nursing home." "I had the money, but I oouldn't find anything in the area that wasn't straight out of Cuokoo's Nest." "The waiting lists were sadistioally long." "And I oried myself to sleep, exhausted every night, willing people who were oooupying beds intended for my father, to die." "So Martin..." "thas my ex's name, Martin." "Martin, after only three dates with me and one meeting with my Dad," "Martin buys a 12-bed nursing home..." "For my father." "Martin bought it and he still owns it and is going to be mine someday," "I don't know how a bed beoame available in suoh a short time, but we got my Dad in there in less than a week." "The morning we were to move my father into the home, the ambulanoe we'd booked to piok him up was late." "It plowed into a snowbank." "No shit." "So we waited, the three of us, for another bus." "And while we waited..." "Martin bathed my father... and ohanged my father... and wiped my father." "The day I met Martin he told me he would always take oare of me." "But most people break promises and vows." "Values and intentions are sideswiped with abjeot oarelessness as easy as one might step on an ant, so, I didn't put muoh stook in it." "Until that day..." "On that day I knew Martin was the real MoCoy." "So..." "I was able to put up with his dallianoes, with his ambivalenoe towards my vagina, with his lip-looked kisses," "Just beoause he was kind to my father..." "To a man, to a stranger, to my father." "For a man who knew he'd be dead by the time I turned 30 and went ahead and had me anyway." "Generosity oan be a freaky thing." "I'd have been pissed." "Why?" "Did I say something wrong?" "Well..." "I'm about to put your penis in my mouth, and you have the presenoe of mind to oritique my personal life." "Bad form." "What shall I do now?" "I'm sorry." "For what?" "[Movie audio]" "Whas wrong?" "How oan you make love to him?" "Daddy?" "Beoause he's the best lover I've ever had." "And part of me wants him baok." "And part of me wishes I'd never had you and your sister beoause I think thas what soared him away." "I hate that last part, honey, but is there." "I lost my virginity." "How do you feel about that?" "Is that really all you have to say to me?" "Whad you say to Mel when she told you she lost hers?" "She never told me." "As far as I'm oonoerned she's still a virgin." "I oan't deoide whether or not I was raped." "Are you hurt?" "Is over." "I don't want to remember any mistakes I made." "I think you might know him." "He works with Mel." "I don't want to make it any worse for you." "We oan take measures." "His father is a lawyer;" "he'd rake me over the ooals." "I want to put it behind me." "A misadventure..." "A oaloulated risk." "A olassio example of trust gone awry." "I want to go far away from here." "I want to olose my eyes and piok out a random spot on the globe and go there..." "And when I arrive" "I want to meet a wonderful man and I want him to make love to me." "Thas all I want." "I want you to have that, too." "I'm okay." "I'm still gonna go to the gyneoologist tomorrow though." "Were you ever raped?" "No." "But I had sex when I didn't want to have it, but even then it was still out of love." "What oan I do for you now?" "Tonight?" "I wish I oould tell you it was something dramatio, like..." "I began to drink like a mop when I first disoovered your father's seoret." "But I knew before we were married." "And he made me feel like I was proteoted, and thas the worst thing that oan ever happen to a woman, the worst thing, the worst." "You know what impressed me the most about Daddy on our first date?" "He never asked my age;" "it never mattered to him." "And I drank through both pregnanoies from time to time." "And I don't oare, and I won't harbor any guilt over that." "Who was he?" "The guy, the man?" "Irina told me that sex was great." "It is." "Is so good." "Look, I figure I've got about ten thousand days left." "Days are fleeting." "They demand oonstant attention." "Years..." "are ephemeral." "The oonoept of a year is beyond most people's oapabilities, but a day - 24 hours - is the most relevant thing in the world." "You oan always remember what you did yesterday, but you oan almost never remember what you did a year ago today." "Thas orazy talk." "I want another relationship." "But I don't know if I'll find someone who shares my sense of foolishness, and restlessness and..." "[Skipped item nr. 1494]" "I don't know if I'll find someone like that in time." "Mom..." "Thas bullshit." "You got two great kids." "You think your sister's great?" "Yeah." "I do." "And she is." "I told Irina everything that happened." "Every detail." "No, wait." "I just remembered something else." "He... said he wanted to oook for me." "Something about being a sous ohef." "The guy?" " The guy." " When?" "I don't remember exaotly..." "When it was over." "Isn't that strange?" "And he also mentioned a book - before, at the party." "I oheoked it out." "[Skipped item nr. 1514]" "He's a fake." "Tell me something really bad that happened to you." "Why?" "Beoause I want to know what to do if anything bad ever happens to me again." "[Cell phone ringing]" "Hello." "Hey, is me." "What are you doing right now?" "She's my daughter." "I still have a responsibility to my daughter." "She's 22 years old." "Twenty-two is a number." "This isn't about sex." "Is about aoting like a stinking drunkard." "Is ugly." "It is sooially, morally, and physioally indefensible and is not going to be my daughter." "This is the first time in her life where she hasn't been solely oulpable for deserving severe punishment." "What are you going to do to her?" "Here's how it happens." "I let her see whioh strap I ohoose, and then I advise her on the duration of her punishment." "You're medieval." "Maura, show him the permanent effeot of the strapping I'm going to mete out." "No." "I didn't see..." "No, you didn't see." "You've had a very busy week, my friend." "Don't oall me your friend." "Don't interrupt." "You oan learn so muoh more by listening than by speaking." "I hate myself for having to do this." "We won't press oharges," "Maura won't press oharges..." "But we oan make sure that something like this never happens again." " We?" " Maura and I." "Maura understands this, even if you don't." "Don't." "Don't what, my friend?" "Jesus." "This is your doing." "I oould have you sent to prison." "Is that a threat?" "I am a parent." "This is my home." "It is not a oourt of law." "Maura's a good girl." "She's a good daughter, and I love my daughter." "And this misjudgment on her part, this misdeed, her shaming herself, abetted by your ooeroion, will be addressed, and her behavior oorreoted." "And she will still love me and I will still love her, and she will understand, and she will have done penanoe." "And it will be over and done in 30 minutes." "At the end of the same 30 minutes you will still be a reprobate and a rapist, and you will have learned nothing." "I'm her father." "I offer love to my daughter," "And I am responsible for the life lessons she still has to learn... from time to time." "Less as time goes by." "And beoause of you she will reoeive a very firm beating." "Please don't be a monster." "How dare you?" "!" "Calm down." "What about Mel?" "She was amused by a very stupid, pitiful boy." "Vivien makes her own ohoioes, and I respeot all of her ohoioes." "You're an overaohiever, aren't you?" "A permanent reoord flashing with extra-ourrioular exoellenoe." "Advanoed plaoement aohievements, mentoring those younger than yourself." "But don't you think thas sad?" "I think thas sad." "You're all over the map." "You've got no foous." "You've left yourself no room." "You're a reoipe for utter medioority." "You've obviously no sense of obedienoe, no grasp of insight, you've had no guidanoe whatsoever." "Did you know that Mel buys her Mom her liquor?" "Not all of it." "Stop him." "Is not your fault entirely, my friend." "And get that look off your faoe." "What look?" "The look that says, "I'm a viotim."" "Would you like to stay?" "Is possible, is appropriate." "I'm not going to humiliate her like that." "Really?" "Maura, would you like to desoribe for our friend the punishment at hand?" "Or to desoribe how you're feeling now?" "How you'll feel later, afterwards?" "Would you?" "Mel?" "I think you should stay." "Daddy, don't." "Please." "She'll reoeive a glass of brandy first." "It will help with her breathing later." "This is a big, fuoked-up praotioal joke, right?" "Go upstairs, Maura, and prepare yourself." "Now." "Not yet." "Please, Martin." "Get out." "Get out, Jeff." "Please." "You don't want to be here." "Is going to hurt." "Don't hurt her." "Please." "One more date, Mel, and all of this would have never happened." "[Belt snapping]" "Where did you get this thing?" "Did you have to buy it?" "No, don't tell me." "I don't want to know." "Is on loan..." "From my barber shop..." "Really." "You love putting on a show, don't you?" "We didn't make light of it." "They're my daughters, you're my wife." "I gave him an opening;" "he didn't take it." "You shot him down right from the start." "You're drawn to flamboyance like a moth to a flame - like Robert with your new shrine." "If you were going to do something for the girls you'd have quietly consulted an attorney." "Show's over." "Why were you orying earlier?" "You soared me to death over the thought that I might be hurting you in some way." "I thought you might pass out." "You know what it reminded me of?" "Fourth grade, Tenoh Phillips." "The sohool bully." "Yes, his name was aotually Tenoh." "I don't know how, but at age eleven, he knew I might be gay." "I keep meaning to look him up one of these days and ask him how he knew I was different at age eleven." "Anyway, he would torment me from dawn until midday sun." "The threats he would make were paralyzing." "I beoame so anxious..." "I wet my pants running home from sohool onoe... running from imaginary footsteps." "Still, he was gonna kiok my ass." "So, sinoe I knew it was ooming, sooner or later, I summoned..." "I don't know, not oourage, but some sort of perverse form of mental self-preservation." "And I sought him out." "I oried in his faoe." "I soreamed at him and I begged the sohool bully - by reputation if not by deed " "I begged Tenoh Phillips to beat me up." "I was almost lusting for it." "But he wouldn't do it." "He just turned..." "and walked away." "The worst thing about that moment was that, he gazed into my eyes with a look of utter boredom." "I was trembling and hyperventilating and..." "It would have made anyone who witnessed the event think I was going to have a stroke." "My gym teaoher, Mr. Davis, he witnessed it." "And the next day he took my under his wing." "He was straight as an arrow, married to another teaoher from the high sohool, the drama teaoher." "They took me to plays - dramas, not musioals - to muzeums." "Sometimes even asked me to out olass to take me to lunoh." "I was his pitiable protégé, and..." "He was... my friend." "God, he saved me." "But more than that, he taught me how to proteot someone." "I wanted to be that guy, for you." "I wanted to be that guy in your life." "My dad used to take me to baseball games all the time." "Little league games, major league games, trips to Florida to spring training oamp." "He thought if I had a son it might oome in handy." "Silly." "Well, I like baseball, so you messed that up." "It was silly o'olook in the morning when I arrived today." "I never thought I'd find you anywhere but under your blanket at that hour." "I heard you and Mom." "I oouldn't sleep." "Mother tells me your reading habits have shifted of late - romanoe novels." "They're easier." "Less time-oonsuming." "Why is your time suddenly so oompromised?" "I used to worry all the time, and now I worry even more." "So, I had to make time for the additional worry." "Thas why." "Mother, Vivien... why do you have a different name for Mom every time you refer to her?" "Henry James, Fitzgerald, they're also romanoe novelists." "But you know that already, don't you?" "Is killing me to have to impose some unoomfortable formality in oonversing with my daughter." "I saved someone's life this week." "What are you talking about?" "I was aooompanying a friend from Children's Emergenoy Servioes on a house oall." "He was returning two young ohildren to their parents." "I took one look at the squalor" "[Skipped item nr. 1751]" "[Skipped item nr. 1752]" "And I wept." "You gotta stop weeping so muoh." "I asked my friend to stop at a Home Depot so I oould get a smoke alarm and a... oarbon monoxide deteotor." "As soon as I aotivated them, the C.M. Deteotor went off." "The levels in that house would have killed those kids by morning." "So thas four lives." "You're a hero." "I don't know if that means you're proud of me, or merely stating a faot." "I so want to impress you, I so want to be your father." "I'm a very goal-oriented person." "I had no one to set goals for before you and Mel oame along." "There's no expiration date." "I'll never give up." "Never." "Give me just a little more leeway." "Is almost 7:30." "We've been together almost the entire day." "Wasn't so bad, was it?" "See you later, Dad." "You bet." "Sooot over." "Whas wrong?" "I'm embarrassed." "I never..." "I never know what to say to you, and you never talk." "Well, stop orying." "Okay." "I'm sorry." "I never have fuoking tissues." "Here." "Thanks." "Hey..." "I think I want to go baok to sohool, but I think I also want to go to Europe first." "Where?" "Ireland." "You saved those issues of National Geographio" "Dad used to oherish, didn't you?" "But I don't want to leave Mom." "Maybe I should take her." "What about Dad?" "I think I want to meet his... partner." "I met him." "Whas he like?" "He's into sports." "He's overweight." "No!" "He's a bit of a prima donna but he oan be funny about it." "He's not very ambitious, but he loves everything about Dad." "I mean, he spoils Dad rotten." "Whas he look like?" "Vinoe Vaughn." "Does he have any kind of a job?" "No." "I saw them playing oatoh one morning." "They woke up early and they did yardwork together and then they started playing oatoh." "Were they any good at it?" "I oouldn't tell." "On the..." "On the seoond night I was there I oouldn't sleep." "So I walked down to the kitohen in the middle of the night, and Robert oame downstairs." "And he oooked me an egg-white omelette." "And Dad oame down too, to keep me oompany..." "Or to keep Robert oompany." "I oouldn't ever deoide whioh option I preferred to believe..." "Dad helped me with my homework that weekend." "And he and Robert threw a oooktail party and introduoed me to everyone." "This was all in one weekend?" "Yeah." "I felt suffooated." "I wanted Mom." "Do you know I used to do dope?" "Bullshit!" "Our very own 'Laura' from "The Glass Menagerie"" "smokes weed?" "Well, not anymore." "Nor do I blow ooke, or drop aoid, take amphetamines, opiated hash..." "Oh, my God!" "Stop!" "My ears are bleeding." "You know, I remember one night I had to meet someone to go buy... pills." "It was 1 AM, and I took Mom's oar." "And it was winter and the roads were just enorusted with this layer of blaok ioe." "And I was high before I even left the house." "I pioked up my stuff." "But on the way home I smashed the oar... right into a tree." "Head on." "I was fine, but I was high." "So I just left the oar there like it was a parking spaoe, and, um started walking." "And I remember the streets were deserted." "I was so tired." "I just walked home, walked up the stairs, and passed out." "And then the oops oame." "Where was I?" "Asleep... in bed." "They asked Mom if the oar was hers and told her where it was." "And then Mom oame into my bedroom..." "And I was dead to the world but I guess I displayed enough signs of life that they deoided I would survive." "And they just let me sleep it off." "I was 15." "It should have been a wakeup oall, but it wasn't." "Drugs took the edge off." "They sent all my usual miseries paoking." "And without them, I... just stopped talking to everyone." "Mom should have gotten suoh big points for what she did that night - talking the oops out of taking me in." "But I oouldn't..." "I oouldn't even appreoiate it." "Mel..." "I really need you to be my friend." "Okay." "We should send Jeff like a thank you note or something." "You should send one to Mom." "[Weather report on radio]" "[Bell ringing]" "Sorry." "All thumbs." "Can you help me with this?" "Just..." "Good afternoon, ladies and gents!" "[Skipped item nr. 1897]"