" Oh, I'm in trouble now." " Yes." "What's with me?" "I killed a man." "I bludgeoned him with his own skillet." "Two get-out-of-jail-free cards in the game." "You've used them both up." " You know what you are?" " A hoot." "With a capital H, that's what." " My friend." " I am not your friend." " You and me on a road trip." " A dude ranch." " Dude ranch?" " It's horses and sheep." "We'll have campfires and marshmallows and tents." "Sheep." "All right, be honest." "Have you ever ridden a horse before?" " Of course I have." "Why?" " You look a little stiff." "You know what?" "Don't worry about me, Denny." "I've ridden plenty." "Just like riding a bike." "Never forget." " When have you ridden a horse?" "Where?" " I was a kid." "At a party." " A pony?" " No." "I don't know." "His name was Thunderclap." "He had a hat with holes cut for his ears." " All right." "We can't do this." " Why not?" "Because this is a serious dude ranch, dude." "We got a rodeo followed by a three-day ride." " And no Ritz-Carltons along the way." " What's your point?" "This is obviously the first time you've ever mounted a proper horse." "I know how to ride just fine." "Don't worry about me." "Whoa!" "Well, this is what I call a small world." "That's what this is." "Look at you, Al, snuggling up to your horse." "Like two peas in a pod." "Am I right?" "Ride them, cowboy." "To each his own, that's what I say." " Who is this guy?" " Melvin Palmer." "I don't believe we've met." "A pleasure." "I am a big fan." "Al and I go way back." "That's what we do." "Hey." "We need to be bunkies." "That's what we need to do." "Home on the range, where the deer, the antelope, and the three of us play." " This is gonna be a hoot." " I wanna go home." "I asked for Alan." "He's out of state." "You get me." "What did you do?" "Well, I was a victim of terrible malpractice, if you must know." "And I took issue with the doctor." "You took issue with the doctor how?" "I blew him up." "I didn't mean to." "I only meant to set fire to his office." "How would I know he'd run back inside?" "So basically, you committed murder." "Well, aren't you a defendant's dream?" " My God, Catherine." " Look, honey." "The doctor didn't die." "In fact, he was only barely hurt." "So I'm only charged with attempted murder." "I'm sure you'll do fine." "But you won't be as good as Alan." "Why don't you tell me what went down?" "What exactly was his malpractice?" "Well, I have some kidney issues." "And I became anemic." "The doctor put me on a drug that caused me to have a small heart attack." "I'm fine now." "But I could have died." "Then I come to find out, this doctor is taking kickbacks from the maker of the drug." "That's when I decided to torch his office." "And inadvertently blew him up." "I've already been arraigned, so you needn't bother with the trivial." "Let's just go to trial." "And I'd like a speedy one." "After all, I'm old." "As are you, dear." "She handled her own arraignment." "Evidently, she's gotten quite comfortable with the judicial process." "What'll be your defense?" "Revenge?" "Temporary insanity." "It's my only choice." "Plus, she is nuts." "Katie." "I need you to do some checking for me on a doctor." "Also, I need a little background on a drug called Axelogen." " Okay." " And then there's a..." "I'm terribly sorry." "My computer calendar is off." "It indicated Halloween was today." "I apologize." "I'm headed home to change." "It won't happen again." "Balls, balls, balls." "I get one of those smart phones because they do everything." "Music, daily planner, e-mail, text." "Keep track of the date?" "I guess that's too much." "You like my outfit?" "It's not Halloween." "And I would have to be seen by Shirley and Sack." "Balls, balls, balls." "If it's any consolation, you look lovely." "It's not funny." " Carl." " Bo." "Jerry, you've made a point of saying that this is the year that you'll make partner." "There are many ways of getting that job done." "Prancing around the office as Little Bo Peep is not one of the better ones." "Won't happen again." "This is a very grown-up place, Jerry." "Halloween is a kid's thing." " I arrived before the fire department." " And, sir, what possessed you to enter?" "The fire looked fairly small when I got there." "I thought I could rescue my files." "And the woman who set this fire, she was your patient?" "Yes." " And what were you treating her for?" " She has some kidney disease." "For which she gets occasional dialysis treatments." "She was suffering from some anemia, so I put her on Axelogen." " That was for the anemia?" " Yes." "At first, it worked quite well." "She then suffered the heart attack." "That was unfortunate." "But it was also unforeseeable." "Sometimes there are side effects that you just can't anticipate." "Especially with these new drugs." "Sweet." "You my mount?" " What did you just say?" " I'm at a dude ranch, dude." "Not like I can be choosy." "Besides, the sheep are spoken for." "I checked." "Excuse me." "This my wife here." " Really?" "Okay." "You must want me." "What's going on here?" "This man is making a sexual advance on my wife." " She is nasty." " Excuse me?" " In a slutty sort of way." " Oh, my God." " I paid a lot of money for this." " Trying to show a good time." "Did you hear this?" "Did you hear what this person said to my wife?" "Go get your horse." " Fine." " My God." "What a thing." "What a thing." "It's terrible to have a heart attack." " Have you had one?" " Not yet." "Something I wouldn't wish on anybody." " Well..." " Ah." "Ahem." "Catherine, at the time, the drug was considered safe." "By who?" "The manufacturer and him." "And he was on the take." " Objection." " Sustained." "Do you realize doctors also get rebates?" "That's in addition to the little stipend under the table." "Objection." "Nothing is done under the table." "How do the rebates work, Catherine, if you know?" "Well." "The doctor buys the drug directly from the pharmaceutical company." "They give a rebate based on the amount the doctor purchases." "Then the doctor sells it to the patient." "No discount to reflect the rebate." "And is reimbursed by either Medicare or private insurance." "So he's making a cash windfall every time he prescribes the drug." "The fix is in." " Objection." " Sustained." " These doctors are bought and paid for." " Strike that." "And sometimes so are the judges." "Oh, not you, of course." "The other campers voted to send you both home." " What?" "Why?" " Why?" "Because he made an unwanted sexual advance on my wife." "Not in the spirit of things." "Many of us paid a lot of money for a wonderful escape." " The trip of a lifetime." " Irene didn't seem to mind." "Did you hear what he said?" " Sir..." " You, don't talk to me." " What did I do?" "He's a hoot, that's what he is." " Troublemaker, not in the spirit." " Not that I wouldn't love to leave this flea-infested paradise." "The brochure never said the ranch included him." "Hooter." " My God, he fondled my buttocks." " What?" "Now, listen." "I'm gonna give the two of you one last warning." "You play by my rules or I send you packing." "No." "I paid a lot of money for an experience of a lifetime here." "Get him out of here." " Denny, you promised this would be fun." "I'm having fun." "This is a blast, that's what this is." "Hoot." " Carl." " Katie." "So tell me, Carl, do you have Halloween plans?" "Oh, that's right." "It's a kids' thing." "Were you always how you are now, Carl?" "How I am now?" "You know, so proper and behaved and..." "And what?" "Go ahead." "Take your best shot." "I'm a big boy." "You're not, actually." "I'd say you're a big grown-up." "It's a pity." "Oh, I wish you'd waited till I got back, Shirley." "Well, make sure you talk to the drug rep from the pharmaceutical company." "You might even want to put him on the stand." " Excuse me." "No phone calls allowed." " I have an emergency at the office." "We all have offices." "We all have our crises." "See any of us on the phone?" "He's not in the spirit again." "Could you just go work with your dialect coach?" " Did you hear that?" "What a thing." " Lan." " Taking his side?" " You promised you wouldn't get upset." "Her vacation's ruined." " Nobody's talking to you." " Talking about me." "Because you've caused trouble." " You're an extra." "You don't get to talk." "Oh, my God." " Do you just say whatever...?" " Don't get to talk..." "Is that it for you, Mr. Rudeness?" "That's what you are." "Hey." "What kind of example is that, shooting a gun?" "That's a terrible example to set." "Oh, my God." " Hey." " Again." "I've about had it with you, you understand?" " Why does nobody like me?" " I like you, bunkie." "You just stick close to me for the rest of the trip." " My God." "That one's a homosexual." " Lan." "The trip of a lifetime." "Now we have a homosexual." "It's a don't-ask, don't-tell dude ranch." "Surely you knew that." "The one in the middle's a masher, you're rude, and he's gay." "And all three are from Boston." "Buddy, I'm gonna take you out behind this here..." "I'm calling it like I see it." "Cowboys aren't gay." "I think she felt so violated after the heart attack, and angry that she went into a mild dissociative state." " What does that mean?" " It means basically that she snapped." "She was so blinded by rage and fear, she lost herself." "In my opinion, she was not capable of forming a mental intent." "Are you getting paid for this testimony?" " Objection." " Overruled." "Are you getting paid?" " I'm compensated for my services, yes." " How much for today?" " Ten thousand dollars." "So she snapped, lit a fire, but now she's sane again." "Is that about it?" " I believe she's sane again, yes." " Got it." " I can't believe you got me into this." " Me?" "It was your idea." "My idea was to take a trip, not to do this." "Adjust your attitude." "Look." "I think Irene likes me." "Hey, all right!" "That was nice." " Okay, Ian, you got a request?" " Yes, um..." "Could you please put the cigar out?" "Please?" "It causes cancer." "I'm here for a wonderful vacation escape, not cancer." "It keeps the bugs away." "If only it worked on pests." " That's a putdown." " Lan." "No, no, never mind, Irene." "That was a total putdown." "Oh, come on, Mr. Smart Mouth." "It was no putdown, man." " Everybody quiet." "Damn it." "This is supposed to be a joyful sing-along where we all bond." "I have a problem." "These aren't even cowboy songs." "I paid a lot of money for the experience of a lifetime too." "I expected to hear cowboy songs." "How about "Surrey With the Fringe On Top"?" "Or "Sweet Betsy from Pike"?" ""Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore" is a religious song, a nautical theme for kids." "Next, we'll have Irene singing in tongues." "I don't want my wife's name out of your dirty mouth." "Do you hear me?" "Would you please?" "Hey, I got a cowboy song." "Pass me that guitar, sport." "You know, I am a get-along kind of guy." "That's what I am." "And in the spirit of us all getting along here I'm gonna dedicate this little number to my buddies Alan and Denny." "As I walked out In the streets of Laredo" "As I walked out in Laredo one day" "I spied a young cowboy" "All dressed in white linen" "Wrapped in white linen" "As cold as the clay" ""I see by your outfit" "That you are a cowboy"" ""I see by your outfit" "That you are one too"" ""We see by your outfits" "That you are both cowboys" "If we get some outfits" "We can be cowboys too"" " They're making fun of us." " I heard it." " That was a Smothers Brothers bit." " I didn't like that song." "We went to trouble to get the right outfits." "And we quite like them." "That song wasn't in the spirit, Melvin." "Well, good buddy, most hats don't come with on/off buttons." "Turn your hats on, Al, Denny." "Let the group see." "Nothing wrong with a hat that can be used as a light source in case of emergency." " No doubt." "Turn them on." "Let us have a look." "Yeah." "I want to see it." " What?" " They're just jealous." "Come on, Denny." "Let's go back to the tent." "Aww..." "Do you think there are mountain lions out there?" "Or wolves?" "Could be." "Denny, I really wanna go home." "Can we please go home in the morning?" " It's our first day." " I don't care." "I don't like pooping in the woods." "I may have wiped myself with poison oak." "And I don't like the group." "Reminds me of when I was little and kids were mean." " I was bullied as a child, you know." " Alan, I gotta tell you something." "I don't want you to take it personally." "Promise me you won't take it personally." "Okay, what?" "I have an erection." "It has nothing to do with you personally, I swear." "I've had it all day ever since I took the Viagra thinking it was my hay fever pills." "And I think I got one of those priapism things." " That can be dangerous." " I know." "What if the group finds out?" " Alan, would you take a look?" "Because..." " Absolutely not." " Alan." " No." "Well, what am I gonna do?" "Plus, I gotta pee." " Which is almost impossible when..." " We are going home." "First thing in the morning." "What was that?" "Something's out there." "Hello?" "Hello?" " Go out and look." " You go." "No, you have to pee anyway." "There." "It's a sheep." "Are they vicious, the wild ones?" "I don't think so." " I'm gonna go try and pee." " Hurry." "Get back in this tent." " What?" " Don't even think of it." "Just get back here." " I think she loves me." " Never mind." "That's me in college." "And here." "That's me in high school." "I was wild." "My parents thought I was a problem, all right?" " I was plenty wild." " My goodness." "Who is this person?" "So don't pity me." "I was once very much a kid." "I never meant to imply that you weren't." "I was pitying that you no longer are." "They say we were happiest as children." "And those most happy in adulthood are the ones who never let die the child within." "There are plenty of proper lawyers who dress up on Halloween or who wear hula skirts in Hawaii." "Denny and Alan are off somewhere pretending to be cowboys." "But that sort of nonsense doesn't work for Carl Sack." "That's not him." "Perhaps someone he used to be." "But not anymore." "Most certainly not." "Don't take it personally, Carl." "How can I not, Shirley?" "It wasn't a professional criticism." "It was personal." "I wouldn't mind a professional critique once in awhile." "But..." "Well, personally, I consider myself a professional." "What?" "Don't bite your lip." "I don't like it when you bite your lip." " How about I bite yours?" " Oh, you're handling me now." " Yes, I am." " Mm." "In the office?" " I know." " I'm not a fuddy-duddy." "Yes, you are." "A little one." "It doesn't matter." "I like fuddy-duddies." "And hey, should McCain get in, we'd actually have a fuddy-duddy-in-chief." " Elmer Fuddy-Duddy." " Ha." " Let's go to dinner." " I can't." "I have to work on my closing." "Lord knows what I'm gonna say." "She practically blew up her doctor." "Sound a little dismissive." "Well, if you knew this crazy Catherine Piper..." "Did I ever tell you how my mother died?" "New blood-thinner medication, which when combined with aspirin caused her to bleed out from an ulcer." "Turns out her doctor, who prescribed the medication was a paid consultant for the drug company." "You don't think doctors are on the take, do you?" "I think they prescribe drugs they think are safe." "But, I mean, let's face it." "With the rising malpractice premiums lower HMO reimbursements, many doctors can't even afford to practice these days without pharmaceutical consulting grants." "And with those grants comes a loss of objectivity." "Did this doctor at least tell this crazy Catherine Piper that he was on the drug company's payroll?" "No." "Hmm." "Hello?" "Denny." "Denny." " Where are you?" "I'm trapped." " You gotta come and help me." " Trapped?" "Where?" " What's going on?" " In Hoberman's tent." " I came to visit Irene." " What?" "Shh." "I fell asleep after." "Now Irene's gone." "And Ian's passed out on top of me." " I can't move." " You've gotta be kidding me." "Get over here." "Help get me free before he wakes up." " Where's Irene?" " I don't know." "Just get over here." "Hurry." "Which tent are you...?" "Never mind." "I think I know." "Oh, my." "See if you can get his leg off." " Where's Irene?" " Would you forget about Irene?" " Hurry." " Don't rush me." "Get his arm." "This won't be easy." "I still don't understand." "Where exactly was Irene?" "She went out to pee." "Then Ian came in drunk, crashed." "Let's get out of here." "Maybe we can get back in time for Halloween." "We could go as cowboys." " And where do you think you're going?" " We're getting the hell out of Dodge." "What's with the rifle?" "You have to marry Irene." "Or the sheep." "Or the captain of the hockey team." "You think you're funny." "I paid a lot of money for the trip of a lifetime." "Well, you certainly got that, didn't you, Ian?" "In addition to being head of this dude ranch, I'm a volunteer constable sheriff." " Good for you." " I'm placing you under arrest." " Arrest?" " For what?" "Adultery is a crime in the state of Utah, as is fornication out of wedlock." " Very funny." " You have the right to remain silent." " He must be joking." " You're under arrest too." " Me?" "For what?" " Conspiracy to commit adultery aiding and abetting an adulterer and a fornicator." "Now you have the experience of a lifetime, don't you, Mr. Boston?" "Mr. Red Sox Fan." "Mr. Aider and Abettor, from the evil Red Sox nation." "All right, that does it." " Oh, for God's sake, Denny." "Lan?" "Relax, it's a tranq gun." "He'll sleep it off." "Put down your weapon." "Now." "Well, I don't think it's that important." "It makes a lot of difference." "Whether the doctor made a mistake or not that doesn't give her the right to set fire to his office." "Oh, sure." "They put up a hired-gun expert to claim she was temporarily insane a dissociative state, couldn't distinguish right from wrong not capable of forming mental intent." "All the technical buzzwords to allow you to free a sweet, old lady." "But you all know what happened." "She got mad and got even." "You know the death grip the pharmaceutical industry has on this country." "They've infiltrated the FDA." "A study showed that 90 percent of all FDA advisory meetings had at least one person with ties to big pharmaceutical." "And then there's Congress." "Big pharma gave members of Congress $ 70 million since 1990." "So who does that leave us with but our doctors and even they're being bought." "Between consulting fees and rebates, doctors get hundreds of millions of dollars every year." "And, my God, look what's happening." "Drugs are being prescribed like candy." "A famed Harvard psychiatrist..." "He helped fuel the recent boom in antipsychotics for kids." "Turns out he personally took over $ 1.6 million from drug makers over the past seven years." "He also failed to report this income to the university, by the way." "How can this be?" "We have no regulations, no disclosure procedures in place." "Nothing to ensure that we, the patients, can know whether our doctor is on the take." "How can this be?" "Catherine Piper had a heart attack." "She almost died." "An unsafe drug was rushed to the market." "It was prescribed by her own physician." "Perhaps because he had a financial incentive to do so." "She nearly died." "When you go back to that room, I want you to try to imagine what it's like to suffer a heart attack to be lying on your kitchen floor with no one around, thinking, "This is it. "" "It may not even be possible to imagine that." "But then she found out that the person she perhaps trusted the most did this to her." "It made her crazy." "Wouldn't it you?" " Jerry?" " Katie." "You have a paper bag over your head." "I do." "Could you tell me why?" "I was looking to crawl under a big rock." "There were none available." "The reason you wanted to crawl under a big rock?" "I passed three partners today who called me "Bo. "" "A fourth referred to me as "the Peepster. "" "Evidently I was seen dressed for Halloween prematurely." " And this is tragic?" " It is if one wants to make partner." "And if those same partners were to catch a glance of you with a paper bag on your head?" " Damage is done." " Jerry, take the bag off." "You'll likely breathe in your own carbon dioxide." "It's not healthy." "Take it off." "Do you know what happens to lawyers who make partner?" "They become locked in." "Lifers." "I'm not sure that's something you want." "There's rumors concerning the firm's financial health." "We represent a lot of mortgage lenders." "Partners don't just get the fruits." "They get the liabilities." "It's just..." "For seven years, I've chased this particular carrot." "Didn't get it." "Now I'm up again." " Lf I blow it..." " This is that important?" "Yes." "Well, if my opinion counts for anything I thought you made a perfectly fab Lady Peep." "What's wrong?" "They were arrested." " Who?" " Denny and Alan." "For what?" "Seems Denny committed adultery, which evidently can be prosecuted in..." "I don't know what Alan did." "They're being arraigned in the morning." "Can't they go to a stupid dude ranch without get...?" "Oh, you just find everything funny these days." "I'm sorry." "I don't know what happened there." "Yes, you do." "Denny did something crazy." "Last week he bet on a case." "The week before that, he had his penis hooked up to a monitor." "Was cock-a-doodle-dooing in a courtroom." "It's just one thing after another." "And I'm not being Elmer Fudd-y, Shirley." "The man is losing his mind." "We all know it." "We laugh it off." "We say, "Isn't the mad cow cute?"" "At what point does it stop being funny?" "At what point do we all admit the man needs help?" "Case number 4212." "State of Utah v. Denny Crane on the charge of adultery, conspiracy to..." "Alan Shore for the defendant, Your Honor." "We waive reading, plead not guilty, and ask for immediate extradition to Massachusetts or any jurisdiction where the criminal code isn't written in the Good Book." " Wait a second." " He's a defendant too, judge." "I am, Your Honor." "Mr. Crane would be your adulterer and fornicator." "I would be your aider and abettor." "I'm not quite sure how Irene escaped charges since adulterating and fornicating is traditionally done in tandem." "Mr. Shore, defendants do not speak in my courtroom." "Ah." "So that little right to confront one's accuser?" "How's that done?" "On the Web?" " Lf you cannot afford counsel..." " I can." "I'm rich." "Actually, Denny and I flew here private." "We can afford the best attorneys and sometimes judges, that money can buy." "I'll represent myself." "And let me just toss out, as an icebreaker Utah is not the state that wants to prosecute adultery." "While it may technically be a crime, so is polygamy, which you don't prosecute." "I'll get letters for saying so." "But you don't." "I'm getting a lot of gavel whacks." "Is it just me?" "Your own attorney general went on record as saying you lack resources to go after the polygamists." "Face it." "You've got a lot of them." "Not a judgment." "Personally, I'm a fan." "So is Denny." "He's had six wives." "Is it six?" "Or seven?" "The former head of NOW in Utah..." "I love that the National Organization of Women actually has a chapter in Utah." "She said the anti-polygamy law has become as irrelevant as the spitting ordinance." "Now, I know how we all love to spit in Utah." "You look like a loogie hacker from way back." "Send those letters." "I even find polygamy funny, just a little." "These loser guys with all these women." "The hairdos." "Unfortunately, in many cases there's child abuse involved." "Whack away." "If you're going to ignore child abusers and come after me for aiding and abetting adultery, all I can say is take your shot." "Please." "I beg you." "Take your shot." "Mr. Shore, are you threatening the good state of Utah?" "You're quick." "I can see why they made you judge." "Exactly." "I'm ready to take on the state Mr. Constable with the rifle, you and everyone you're married to." " Let the fun begin." " Oh, it will be fun." "First, I don't let people represent themselves in my courtroom." "So the first thing we're going to do is get you an independent lawyer." "Judge?" " I'll represent the hoot brothers." " Oh, no." "I'm not gonna be defended by him or any other clown." "I was there, judge." "I could be a witness, in fact." "Your call." "But either way I could tell you a few things about Mr. Shore and Mr. Crane." " Shall we go to chambers?" " Let's go." "If you're gonna have a meeting, we have a right to be present." "Fine." "But you keep your mouth absolutely shut." "One word and you're out." " What the hell are you doing?" " Just do as the judge says." "For once in your life, let me do the talking." " First of all, I don't know..." " First of all, you don't talk." "Not a peep." "Or you go to jail." " Let's hear it." " Judge, I'm gonna be honest." "I don't like this man." "The old guy I kind of enjoy." "He's just an old fart who should be retired to stud." "But him, I'll tell you what." "I'm from Texas, and in Texas if somebody messes with a man's wife, you shoot him." "Hell, he steps on your property, you shoot him." "Let me tell you something." "This guy, he wants to stand trial here." "That's why he was baiting you like that." "He gets his jollies out of playing David against Goliath." "That's what he does." "But the thing is, he wields one hell of a slingshot." "He took on the entire Supreme Court, insulted every one of them and he won his case to boot." "This man can make some serious noise in a courtroom." "And let's face it." "None of us wants to see a big flap here, do we?" "Prosecuting for adultery?" "Nobody does that." "Not even Texas." "You certainly don't wanna be doing that here." "Not with the polygamy thing going on." "Polygamy is illegal in Utah, and not practiced by the majority." "But it goes on, judge." "It goes on." "Like he said, often with underage girls." "Now, Utah's a fine state." "Fresh air, fine people, Orrin Hatch." "You got it all." "But this polygamy thing he's dying to get his day in your court." "Don't make his day, judge." "Don't give this son of a bitch what he wants." "Boot his girlie ass out of here." "Otherwise, you'll be spoon-feeding him the soapbox of a lifetime." "Look at the way he's drooling already." "So is the old guy, but that's the mad cow." " I'm dismissing the charges." " Too bad, Al." "And I'm banning the both of you from Utah for life." "What?" "I got rezzies at Deer Valley." "Already booked." "You'll be booked here if you don't shut your mouth." "Get out, both of you." "I never want to see you again." "They weren't out very long." "Do you think they considered me sane?" "If only they could know you like I do." "I don't think I could handle prison, Shirley." "I hear the fights in the yard can get pretty rough." "Stiff upper lip, Catherine." "Will the defendant please rise?" "Madam Foreperson." "Has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?" "We have, Your Honor." "In the matter of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts v. Catherine Piper on the charge of attempted murder and arson we find the defendant, Catherine Piper, not guilty by reason of temporary insanity." "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for your service." "You are dismissed." "This court is adjourned." " Thank God they bought it." " Ha-ha." "Well." "I guess prison's gonna have to wait." "Well, until your next crime." "Oh, thank you, Shirley." "You've been almost like a big sister to me." "I'm touched." "Melvin Palmer, of all people, to get us off." "I now have to feel indebted to him." "Can you imagine?" " He's a good guy." " Good guy?" " I like him." " How can you possib...?" "Oh, my." "Okay." "Let's hear it." "You are so sexy." " So are you." " Thank you, Denny." " We're off to a party." "Really?" "I thought maybe Carl was taking you to his favorite club." " Very funny." "I'm not kidding, Carl." "After a few days in a dude ranch, you actually look good to me." "Don't you agree, Denny?" "Denny?" "Denny." " Denny." "Hey." "Denny." " What the hell is wrong with you?" " Are you all right?" " I think he bit me." "What?" "Will you ever change?" "I feel a little gypped." "That whole trip was just unsatisfying." "How so?" "I don't know." "Maybe it was the stark contrast between the magnificent scenery and those awful ranching people." "At least you and I got to spend time together." "Oh, please." "You only had eyes for barnyard animals." "Denny, you think I was too rough on Utah, playing the polygamy card?" "It was cheap." "But, hey, they came after us first." "We have to take another trip." "This one didn't count." " They were wrong about our outfits." " We were hot." " We're always hot." " Irene loved me." "Could you tell?" " Lan didn't." " No." "The best sex to be had is with the Irenes of the world." " Do you know that?" " I didn't, actually." "Oh, yeah." "See, the thing is, women who look like that make love like it's the last sex they'll ever have because it very well could be." " What?" " Nothing." "Just absorbing your latest pearl." "You know, you look at the lans and the Melvin Palmers." "Most men are so starved for male friendship." " We're blessed, Denny." " Of course we are." "I'll bet we're the only ones who shared the same sleeping bag." " Yeah." " Oh." "I'm sorry about the erection." "I'm over it." " We really are the best couple I know." " Mm-hm." "And we only get better." "We do." "We do."