" We still on for lunch?" " Can't." " Well. what about dinner?" " Can't." "Well. how about I wake you up at 3:00 a.m. for some calamari?" "Can. but won't." "Grace. you've been working seven days a week." "I haven't seen you in like forever." "The children don't even know what you look like anymore." "Tell them I look like a young Rita Hayworth." "Mmm..." "What." "I've been told." "Will." "I promise we'll do something soon." "And if not." "the day after soon." "Nah. soon's no good for me." "I'm having lunch at the whatchamacallit with what's-his-name." "Hi." "Jack." "Bye." "Jack." "Dad. was that you?" "Okay. my court date is this afternoon." "Do you have any last minute advice?" "Yeah. you shouldn't have slapped a meter maid." "Honestly." "Jack. sometimes I don't know where your head is." " Mom. is that you?" " All right." "You remember what I told you to tell the judge?" "Yes." "It's not bad. but I've made a few adjustments." "It's just the writer in me." "Jack." "listen to me." "Don't recite any soliloquies." "Don't sing any show tunes." "Don't do the whole Perry Gayson thing. okay?" "What time are you heading downtown?" "Oh. uh. when I..." "Forget all my troubles." "forget all my cares" "And go downtown!" "Yo..." "Petula?" "It's nice to see you're taking this so seriously." "Actually." "I am." "That's why I would like a loan for $50 that I don't have to pay back for some blond highlights." "I feel it will soften me in the eyes of the jury." "There's the fridge." "Get a lemon and rub it on your head." "Ba-da-bum-bum." "bum-ba-da-ba-da" "Ba-ba-bum-ba-da- ba-da-dum..." "Bum-bum." "( both hum )" "How can you" "I'm going downtown." "And they said Tinky Winky was the only gay Teletubby." "Nice advice." "Counselor." "I got 40 hours of community service." "I have to pick up trash for the next two weeks." "Yeah. at least this trash won't call you the next morning." "This is so stupid." "I can't believe my hard-earned tax dollars are being spent prosecuting guys like me" " who did nothing wrong." " Okay." "Jack." "A) Nothing you've ever made has been hard-earned;" "B) You never paid taxes until this year; and" "C) You did something wrong." "You Zsa Zsa'd a meter maid!" "You know." "it's against the law." "( with Gabor accent ) Yeah. well. the law sucks. darling." "Oh. now I've gone and worked up an appetite." "Take me to dinner tonight." "you know. for my last meal." "Sorry. "Dead Beat Walking."" "Grace and I have plans." "Oh. right." "The missus before the mistress." "( phone rings )" "Grace Adler Designs." "Hi." "Karen." "Grace. the reason you're not in a relationship is on line one." "Hey. what's up?" "Hey. are we still on for dinner?" "'Cause there's this new kosher Chinese place around the corner." "I'm in the mood for a little sweet and sour oy-my-back." "I can't." "Big problems with the Schneiderman townhouse." "I have to rip up all the curtains and the carpet." "Apparently. the only rug Mr. Schneiderman is interested in is the one that's on his head." "Hey. hey." "Tell-- hey. tell Karen I love her." "Well" " I'll" " I'll wait." "Let me wait." "No. eat without me." "I'm gonna be late late." "Late late?" "Why-why-why-why-why?" "Because-because-because- because-because." "Okay." "Dorothy." "I gotta go." " Hey. hey..." " What?" "Tell-- hey. tell Karen I want to French kiss her when I see her." " I'll see you when I see you." " Bye." "Poor Will." "Now he's being blown off by women." "Ooh. hey." "it's the elevator chanteuse." "I caught your act between floors nine and two." "Ah. all those years on the escalator have really paid off." " I'm Will. by the way." " Oh." "I'm Val." "I just moved in to 15F." "15F?" "Nice apartment." "Good divorce lawyer." "Oh. sorry." "Was it messy?" "Actually. it was" "You know what?" "I'd really rather not talk about it." "It just still sort of..." "hurts my feelings." "Oh." "Val." "I'm s-- I wouldn't have brought it up if I..." "It's okay." "I'm just kidding!" " I'm kidding!" " You-- yeah" "I was kidding." "But. no. actually he was-- he was just a real jerk." "though. you know?" "Whenever we argued." "he used to-- he used to talk about himself in the third person." "He'd be like." ""Val." "Jerry needs his space right now."" "And I'd be like. "Val's gonna take half your money right now."" "Will wonders why Val married Jerry." "Well. as it turns out." "I was a jackass magnet." "but I've now been demagnetized." "so all the creepy guys just slide off of me." "Oh. thank you." "Thank you." "( Asian accent ) You funny lady." "( Asian accent ) And you gay fella." "Which actually kills me 'cause you're so cute." "Yeah." "What was the giveaway?" "I guess the abundance of boxer briefs." "Ah. yes." "The homosexual is the leading exponent of the underpant hybrid." "Hey. do you want to have dinner later?" "You're probably busy. or..." "is that weird that I just asked you..." "No. no. no." "I just got canceled on." "actually. for tonight." "Well. you know. there's a kosher Chinese place around the corner." "Really?" "Hey. man." "I could really go for some Mu Shu- it-wouldn't-kill-you- to-call-your-mother." "What is this overstuffed bigness?" "This chair is where foam goes to die." "It's no good." "It's gotta go back." "Oh my God." "I'm so stressed out." "Honey. you know. whenever I get stressed out." "I always like to" "You always like to what?" "Gosh." "I don't think I've ever been stressed out." "I mean." "why would I be?" "I've got practically no responsibilities." "my job's a breeze." "and I got a killer rack." "Good morning!" "Oh. woo!" " Aw. you know when you just said that?" " Hmm. yeah?" "You got the cutest little wrinkles right there." "What?" "Where?" "Feel that?" "That's stress." " Hey." " Hi." "Grace Adler." "Val Basset." " Hi. nice to meet you." " How you doin'?" "Nice to meet you." "And this is Karen Walker." "She uh." "I use this term loosely." ""works" here." " Nice to meet you." " Well. any friend of Will's is..." "Grace." "Val. you know." "Will has just said the best things about you." "and it kills me that I can't have lunch with the two of you" " 'cause I have too much work to do." " No. you're not canceling again." "I thought we could all have lunch together in SoHo." "Oh. yeah." "And after." "we gotta go by Prince Street to see that guy who can put himself through the tennis racket." "Frank." "I love Frank." " That guy rakes it in." " I know." "He's like the richest homeless guy in Manhattan." "I know. he actually made the "Misfortune 500."" " I was just going there." " I know." "I beat ya." "Get out. already!" "You." "I'll see sometime before autumn." "You know. unless. of course." "there's another design emergency!" "Okay." "I'm gonna need ten cc's of chintz. stat!" "Clear!" "Isn't it amazing." "Val?" "Will is a guy. and yet he can achieve multiple sarcasm." "Well." "I'm really glad that we got to meet?" "Me. too." "Ooh. you got a little eyelash right there." " Mmm." " Ooh. make a wish." "No. she's still here." "Bye." "Nice to meet you." "Bye." "Oh. she's sweet." "What?" "I don't like the way she's so chummy with your husband." "Please don't refer to him as my husband." "All right. fine." "I don't like how chummy she is with your non-romantic life partner." "Also bad." "so please stop. okay?" "I'm glad he has a new friend." "especially since I'm so busy." "Your sexless lover!" " Um... dirty linen shirts?" " Uh" " Uh. your ex-husband." " Things you take to the cleaners." " Yeah." " Yeah." "Okay. um-- Oh. egg whites." " Uh...eh" " Thoroughbred horses." "Um.." "Eh." "James Brolin." " Things that are whipped." " Yeah!" " Oh!" " Time." "Time. time." "You guys are amazing." " Okay." "I'm gonna total up your time." " Add it up. honey." "Yeah. that's generally what I mean when I say I'm totalling it up." "Rob." "Mmm." "Sorry. honey." "Oh. gosh." "Hey. may be a record." "Will." " Record." "Will!" " Record!" "Woo!" " Hiya!" " Oh. hi." " Hey." " Hey." " Hi." "Hey. guys." " What are you doing home?" " I thought you had to work?" " Uh. yeah." "I do." "I just came home to change before my meeting." " We're playing "Pyramid."" " I see." "You know." "Will and I are champions." "Oh." "I don't know." "Grace." "Looks like you got some competition." " Oh. yeah." " Yeah!" "I don't think so." "Rob." "Oh." "I don't know." "Val is awesome." "Ooh..." "Remember the time that Will and I finished an entire round in two minutes and 14 seconds." "No way!" "Hey." "Grace. we're the same." "Come on. we gotta hurry if we want to make that reservation." "Okay." "You have a good meeting." "and remember." "there's no "diviner designer."" " Bye." "Will." " Bye." "Val." "Did I just call you Val?" " Yeah." " That's funny." "Things that aren't funny." "So I walk in and this woman that he met like five minutes ago is in our house." "playing with our friends." "using our coasters." "And he's dipping her." "He actually dipped her." "Oh. it's the oldest story in the world. honey." "Boy meets girl." "boy meets new girl." "boy dips girl." "boy sleeps with boys." "Wait a minute." "maybe that's not the oldest story." "Maybe that's the Sal Mineo story." "Ah." "But. honey. you know. if you want to hold on to your man." "you gotta work it a little bit." "I mean. a slinky negligee." "a nice perfume." "Speak to him in a Dutch accent like his childhood nanny." "I'm gonna call him for lunch." "Oh. honey. if you're calling him at work. don't bother." " He's home sick." " No. he's not." "Yeah. he is." "Mm-hm." "I called his office this morning." "Stan's going hot-air ballooning." "and I wanted to review my pre-nup." "I can't believe I didn't know Will was sick." "Why didn't he call me?" "I mean. who could take better care of him then I can?" "Val:" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Taking care of him when he's sick." "Could she be more hateful?" "Val?" "What a surprise." "Hi." "Grace." " Hey." " Hey." "I came as soon as I heard." "How are you feeling?" "Oh." "I'm at death's door." "Only the bouncers won't let me in 'cause I don't look cool enough." "Do you have any Jane's Krazy Mixed-Up Salt?" "No." "Val. what are you doing here?" "Oh. just helping out our friend." "Sickie. here." "Aw. thanks." "Well." "I'm home now." "so you can go." "I'll help out..." "Sickie." "Oh. no. go back to work." "Grace." "We got it covered." "I just made a pot of split pea soup here." "so Sickie won't be Sickie anymore." "Well." "Sickie doesn't like split pea" "Uh. could you stop calling me Sickie?" "Or Sickie's gonna get pukey." "Can you believe what I've been reduced to?" "I bitch-slapped the law and the law won." "My poor little misdemeanor." "Honey. your skin looks great." "What are you doing different?" " Just pore strips." " Oh." "I hate this." "I mean." "New Yorkers are such pigs." "Look at this." "Ugh. chicken bones." "and broken lipsticks and candy wraps." "Looks like the inside of Grace's purse." "Why don't people just use the garbage can?" " Look at this." "Ugh." " Oh." "Who would throw away their phone bill in the street?" "I mean. would it be so hard for" "Soon-Yi Allen to walk two feet?" " Oh my God." " Oh." "We have Soon-Yi Allen's phone bill." "Mama Mia!" "And I mean that literally." "Karen. what should we do?" "Make a prank phone call!" "Come on." "No. that would be wrong." "One thing I've learned from this experience." "is that you need to respect the rights of others." "Come on. come on." "come on." "I can't believe I got that all out with a straight face." " I'll get the soup for you." " I got it." " I'll do it." " I'm already doing it." " It's my bowl." " My soup." " My stove." " My recipe." "My God!" " My skin is burning." " Oh my God. are you okay?" "What is the matter with you two?" "It's not "feed a cold." "scald a fever."" "Grace. can I say something to you?" "And l" " I really" "I really mean this in the most supportive way... but you seem very threatened and insecure." "And I mean this in the most supportive way... get out of my house." "you wing-nut." "Okay." "I 'll go." "I just want to let you know." "you have a little soup there on your blouse." " Here." "let me..." " I got it." "Look what you did." "This was a really expensive blouse!" "Hey" "Sorry. you had a little bit of that delicious split pea on your collar." "I'm so sorry." "I thought that was soup." "but I guess it was part of the pattern." "You know what?" "This is crazy." "We are grown." "mature women here." "It's crazy. right?" "Okay." "I'm gonna get my coat." "Once again. girl-on-girl action and it's totally lost on me." "Hey. hey." "Gabrielle." "Xena." "Break it up." " What is going on?" " She started it." " You did." " Nuh-uh!" "Okay. okay! "Nuh-uh." was just uttered by an adult." "You're both taking a time-out." "Go to your corners." "Go on." " Bitch." " Psycho!" "Hey!" "Hey!" " What is wrong with you?" " Nothing." "Well. fine. then I'll just go back to my room and you two can work it out in Thunderdome." "It's just that... you know." "I've just been really busy." "and I turn my back and I've been replaced-- by that wacko." "It takes one to replace one." "Wait a min-- wait a minute." "Grace. are-- are you jealous?" "No." "Are you kidding?" "Like I would be like" "I would even-- yes." "I'm totally jealous." "What are you lookin' at?" "The role of Will's best friend has always been and will always be filled by one scrappy little Grace Adler." "Really?" "'Cause it hasn't felt that way lately." "Yeah. but you haven't been around lately." "Grace. you've gotta let me..." "date other women." "I know." "I guess it's only fair." "I date other men." "Yeah." "I even sleep with some." "Lucky." "You two have something you want to say to each other?" "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "And I'm" " I'm" " I'm" "I'm really sorry that I get a little crazy sometimes. you know?" "Can I sit down?" "It's just that... sometimes I just feel a little envious of" "I mean. it's like" "I've never had a Will before." "you know?" "I just moved in here after a very painful divorce." "and. you know." "I don't know anybody." "and I just so wanted to connect with someone who didn't want anything back from me. you know?" "Oh." "Val." "I feel so awful." "I'm just kidding!" "I'm kidding!" "I'm totally kidding." "Like there aren't-- Iike there aren't a million gay guys in New York." "you know?" " You're a little nuts. right?" " I've been told." " Well." "I admire that in a woman." " Oh" "I like that little bra that you're wearing." "Oh. and I liked your split pea soup." " Oh. thanks." " I got a little taste when you shoved my face in the rug." "Hey. do you have a shirt that I could borrow to wear for the elevator ride?" "Oh. yeah." "You know what?" "I have" " I have a great turtleneck that'll cover up that welt-- that I gave you." "Oh. really?" " Do you like blue?" " Yeah." "Straight guys have gotta be out of their minds."