"Look at this." "My so-called windproof umbrella." "Look!" "Look!" "I'd have fared just as well with one of those paper ones." "I collect those." "They remind me of great evenings I can't remember." " City College wants you to lecture." " Fine." "Just tell me the date." "OK." "St Bartholomew's Hospital wants you at their benefit." " Pass." " Turning down a hospital?" "Yes." "Don't look at me that way." "I'm with you. I hate how whiny, sick people are always nagging." ""l want a magazine. I want a kidney."" "Roz, I sympathise as much as you do, which is why I said yes last year." "I bought an Armani tuxedo, wrote a speech, put off a visit to Frederick." "Then they didn't need me." "Their first choice had become available." "The irrepressible Kathie Lee Gifford." " Way to hold a grudge!" " This is not about spite." "This is about dignity, a rare and fragile thing." "Anything else?" " Judging the Miss Seattle Pageant?" " l'll do that." " That's dignified." " A scholarship is involved." "All right." "You're on in ten seconds." "Look, we have new sponsors." "Work this copy in as often as you can." "Good afternoon, Seattle." "This is Dr Frasier Crane." "KACL 780." "It's a grey, depressing day in the Emerald City." "Let's hope we can brighten up your afternoon." "We hold it our duty to banish your rainy day blues." "First, a message from a new sponsor." ""Death is inevitable." ""But it's especially painful when it claims a beloved pet." ""lf you've lost, or are planning to lose..." ""...a cherished dog, cat or bird," ""let Pet Paradise console you with a memorial" ""bearing the likeness of your departed friend." ""Pet Paradise." "Though your pet may be small, your loss is great."" " Who's our first caller, Roz?" " Edna." "She's a receptionist at a pest control firm." "She's depressed." "Hello, Edna. I'm listening." "(Edna) 'Hello, Dr Crane. I've worked in pest control for 1 5 years." "'l go in every day, answer the same calls, ask the same questions." ""'What kind of bugs?" "Have you seen any droppings?"" "'Then I go to the next person." ""What kind of bugs?"'" "Edna, I can sense where this is going." "Even the most interesting life can become routine." "You need to shake up your world." "Find a new boyfriend, a new job, a new city." " 'You mean, move?" "'" " Well..." "There are easier places to cheer up than this dreary, soggy city of ours." "'Dr Crane, you're right." "I don't have to stay here." "'When you think about it, there's a whole world of vermin out there.'" "Eloquently put, Edna." "Thank you." "Speaking of vermin..." ""When that special rat of yours" ""turns its toes up for the last time," ""don't forget your friends at Pet Paradise." ""Pet Paradise." "When a shoe box isn't enough."" "Another radiant morning." "What do you think, Dad?" "Should I drive to work or hail a gondola?" "I like rain. lt gets those squeegee guys off the street." "Now, stay put until I can dry off your feet." "There." "That ought to do it." "Daphne, get that hat off him. lsn't it bad enough we had him neutered?" "At this rate, I don't think I'm going to have children." "Just let me dress up the dog." "I've never seen him look that stupid." "You'll change your tune when you see his St Patrick's Day outfit." "Hey, Derek Mann mentioned you in his column." ""l listen to Frasier Crane because I'm trying to drop a few pounds." ""His voice is an effective appetite suppressant."" " How witty." " l thought so, too." "Give me that." ""Yesterday he advised an unhappy woman" ""that she could cure her depression by leaving Seattle." ""lt would cure my depression if the Seattle-hating Dr Crane" ""would take his own advice and leave town."" " Ludicrous!" "I never said that." " Yes, you did." "You said Seattle was dreary and she should leave town." "It was one of several suggestions taken out of context." " Apologise." " What for?" "For insulting Seattle." "People take pride in it." "They don't want you telling them it's rainy and depressing." "If you hadn't noticed, it gets a bit damp here." "For God's sake, the state flower is mildew." "Listen, a city's like a woman." "Get one mad at you and it doesn't matter who's right." "You apologise or you'll be paying forever." " l don't care for that analogy." " l'm sorry. I was way out of line." "All right, you're forgiven." "Dad, to you, everything is like a woman." "A fast car, a romantic song..." "A good meat loaf is like a woman." "A city is not like a woman, it's like a city." "And I'm not apologising." "If you don't understand, Seattle does." "Seattle loves Frasier Crane." "(Thunders)" " Hello, Father Mike." " Hello." "Dr Crane was not bashing Seattle." "He was sincerely trying to help that woman." "Who's our sponsor?" "Pet Paradise." "Go ahead and boycott them." "See how easy it is to flush your dead dog down the toilet." "Was that a complaint about the rain thing?" "I've been on the phone all morning." "Forgive me." "I'll stick to subjects like suicide and stay away from controversial stuff like weather." " Hello?" " Hey, Doc, I need some advice." "I feel a cold coming on." "Should I take vitamin C or leave Seattle?" "I hope you're happy." "The switchboard has had over 50 irate calls." "50?" "Damn!" "You broke my record." "The most I got was 35 on my commentary," ""Lady umpires: finally a chest worth protecting."" " Frasier, think about apologising." " l would if I'd said anything wrong." "I've got half a dozen calls that say you did." "I don't want to talk to them." "I don't know how to break this to you, but it's a call-in show!" "(Woman) 'How can you say Seattle is depressing?" "'l've spent 40 years here, working the graveyard shift at a salmon cannery." "'And, let me tell you, you fatheaded moron, 'l'm the most cheerful person you'll ever meet.'" "Certainly the most cheerful one I've met today." "Alas, we're out of time." "I'd like to say, as I've been saying for three hours, that it was not my intent to cause offence." "Since it seems obvious that I have, I would like to apologise." "I do not find Seattle depressing." "It would take more than clouds to obscure her beauty and more than drizzle to dampen the warmth and fellowship that make Seattle the only place I care to call home." "Till Monday, then, this is Dr Frasier Crane, signing off." "Good grief!" "Have you ever heard such whiny, provincial crybabies?" "This city has lost its rain-addled mind!" "Dr Crane, we're still on the air." "Thank you, Roz." "Now, we're off." "(Niles) I believe this goes here and that attaches there." "Are you sure you don't want me to try?" "No, you might crack a nail or snag a cuticle." " There." "Are we getting anything?" " Does annoyed count?" "Hush. lf you hadn't bashed it with your cane when the Seahawks lost, we wouldn't need a new set." "Isn't there a manual?" "Yes, but unfortunately, Stephen Hawking isn't here to explain it." " l thought the winds had eased." " They have." " What happened to your umbrella?" " A listener recognised me." "He pulled it through a fence." "You would not believe the hostility, even at the Café Nervosa." "I thought I heard a new cappuccino maker, I saw three tables hissing!" "(Phone )" " Don't answer it." " l can't abide a ringing phone." "It's another crank." "They've been calling all day." "Oh, no!" "They've got my number?" "So, the phone rings." "We don't have to answer it." "Although it could be Frederick, or Grammy Moon to say her hip's out." "We can't be slaves to a bell." "Just because it's going ring...ring...ring!" "or, in the case of a British phone, ring-ring...ring-ring ring-ring...ring-ring!" " Just answer it!" " Thank you!" "Crane residence." "He can't come to the phone." "May I take a message?" "Nice language, that!" "I hope you don't eat with that mouth." "Daphne, excuse me." "How dare you speak to a lady that way!" "Well, that's no excuse, ma'am." "Only cowards make threats by phone." "I dare you to say that to my face!" "Never mind where l live." "(Door rattles) ls anyone expecting visitors?" "I suggest we all remain very quiet." "I have this image of angry villagers wielding torches and pitchforks." " Frasier, open up!" "It's Roz." " lt's worse than I thought." " Why are you out in this weather?" " l called, but your line is busy." " Hey, Roz." " Hey, Martin." "How are you?" " Good." " New TV?" "Got it hooked up yet?" "No." "I let Niles take a crack at it first." "God!" "Martin, you're awful." "Frasier, the station manager came by." "If you can't smooth this over, he may have to suspend you." " What would he put in my time slot?" " The best of Crane." "What will they do the second day?" "How can I smooth it over?" "This city is out to lynch me." "A guy cancelled on me cos l work for you." "You're alienating my boyfriends." "We can't afford to lose a demographic as large as that." "We need damage control." "It's not too late to call St Bart's Hospital and do their benefit." " After the way they treated me?" " There will be lots of media." "It's a chance to redeem yourself." " Listen to Roz." " Dad!" " Take my advice." " l did. I apologised." "Oh, so sincerely!" "You'll make a few jokes and self-deprecating remarks, help sick people and show you can laugh at yourself." " l think it's a brilliant suggestion." " Niles, did you compliment me?" "Indeed I did." "You're very sawy, Roz." "You remind me of those amoral PR flacks who sell their services to industries that pollute." " You think it's a good idea?" " lt worked for Nancy Reagan." "She was widely criticised for lavish spending, so she appeared at a dinner in thrift store clothes and performed "Second Hand Rose"." " That made people like her again?" " Yes, briefly." "Tell them I'll MC." "Better yet, I'll take a table at the banquet." "I have." "Give the nuns 800 bucks." " 800!" " Don't mess with them." "I'm in a precarious position." "I must choose my material carefully." " l know some good jokes." " No, Niles." "You don't." "If you need jokes, use some of mine." "Oh, yes." "I'm sure the nuns would love that." "And I'll ask call Bulldog and ask for a couple of limericks." "I'll call Father Mike. I'm sure he knows some inoffensive jokes." "Hello." "Yes, well, I don't care how you feel." "I want to use the phone right now." "Your grandmother's hip is out." "Just kidding!" "Kidding!" "I do hope you'll have some humorous stories for us, though, of course, nothing too racy or risqué." " l wouldn't dream of it." " Good." "Last year, Kathie Lee Gifford told a most unfortunate story involving newlyweds and a ski lift." "Hello, all." "Thank you for coming out for such a good cause." "St Bart's did my hip surgery." "They treated me good." "I just saw Frasier." "He seems nervous." "There's a lot riding on this." "Thank goodness he's got that sweet old nun there to comfort him." "She's not sweet." "It's Sister Joselia, the scrubbing nun." " "The Terror of Ward Three"." " You still remember her?" "You know the nightmare where l scream, "Not the sponge!"?" "That's her!" " As a girl, I considered being a nun." " What changed your mind?" "I didn't want to work weekends." " Where did Maris go?" " Mrs Crane is over there." "She's cornered Lydia Beaumont, head of the museum board." " Maris wants to get on the board." " Lydia's getting away." "The "freshen-the-drink" ploy." "Lydia has no idea with whom she's dealing." "Chug that sherry, Maris." "On with the chase!" "Yes!" "She's gaining!" "It's Mrs Beaumont and Maris..." "And yes!" "They meet again." "They'll be board-mates before the dessert." " Evening, everyone." " We were saying you look confident." " Really?" " Absolutely!" "Forehead." " You memorise the jokes I gave you?" " Yes." "That's why I look so confident." "Shouldn't they have started?" "We're waiting for the Bishop who's introducing me." "He'll be here any minute." "Break a leg." "Remember, keep smiling and look like you're having a good time." " Right." " lf a joke bombs, pay no attention." "Do what Johnny Carson did, make a joke about it." ""Bomb-o!" Boy, I miss that guy!" "Your dad's right." "Go up and be confident." "I will, after I find a men's room." " lt's butterflies in your stomach." " Not for long!" "I'll be back." "Good evening." "I'm Father Mike Mancuso and I've just been asked to make a very sad announcement." "Every year, our speaker has been introduced by Bishop Cologie, our chairman and host of the cable TV show "Pancakes and Parables"." "We've just heard that the Bishop has had a terrible accident." "He was out fishing this afternoon when his boat was hit by a storm and capsized." "At the moment, he remains missing." "I'll keep you informed." "Why does everything happen to Frasier?" "Devastated as we are, we know what this evening means to the Bishop and how he'd delight in entertaining us with his biblical hand shadows." "We also know he would be the first to insist that we proceed without him." "So, I'm going to step in and introduce our speaker." "Won't you extend a cordial and gracious welcome to my friend and colleague, Dr Frasier Crane." "Dr Crane?" "Dr Crane?" "Ah!" "Thank you very much, Father Mike." "It's an honour to be here." "I expected the Bishop to introduce me but I'm sure he'll drift in soon." "It's a real comfort to see so many priests out in the audience." "I don't dare speak in public without someone standing by who can perform the last rites." "Whoa!" "Very religious crowd, I see." "I can tell because of the vow of silence." "Got some holy water, Father?" "I'm dying here." "And speaking of water, that reminds me of a little story." "A rabbi, a minister and a priest are all sitting at the bar on the Titanic." "Dr Crane!" "The Bishop!" "I heard the story with a priest, but what the heck?" "A bishop's funnier!" "Thank you, Sister." "OK, then..." "A rabbi, a minister and a bishop are at the bar when the purser rushes in with the news..." "Frasier, the Bishop is lost at sea!" "Are you telling this story or am I?" " Frasier..." " l work alone, lady, all right?" "Anyway, the purser rushes in with the horrible news about the boat." "The rabbi says, "My people need me."" "The minister is leaving when the priest says..." "Sorry, the bishop says, "Have another drink." "The rabbi can handle it."" "The minister says, "You abandon your flock when we've hit an iceberg?"" "The bishop says, "An iceberg?" "I thought he said we hit a Weisberg!"" "Hello?" "is this thing on?" "Bomb-o!" "# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# Oh, my!" "# And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe...but I got you pegged!" "# But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs" "# They're calling again" "# Scrambled egg's all over my face!" "# What is a boy to do?" "#" "Thank you!"