"one beef and-cheese deluxe, French fries and orange-flavored beverage." "Thank you, my brother." "Knock it down for me." "Boo-yo!" "All right, it is knocked down." "one plain wiener, no bun, no sauerkraut, no chili, no mustard, no pickle, no cheese, no relish." "No tip." "Give it to me." "Excuse me to inquire, but this meager meal seems insufficient for a man of your tremendous girth." "I'm just trying to drop a couple of pounds." "May I suggest you move to my country where everyone is fashionably thin due to lack of food?" "New diet?" "Yeah." "I read about it in a magazine at the dentist office." "Men's Fitness?" "No." "Esquire?" "No." "Maxim?" "No." "Sports Illustrated?" "Modern Bride, okay?" "!" "Okay." "That's none of my business." "But you better get married quick 'cause you're starting to show." "It happens to be a good diet, and I'm losing weight." "Plus I'm going to the gym three times a week and a half hour every morning on the stationary bike." "Well, you gotta be careful with that." "I read an article that said those bicycles absolutely wreak havoc on a pair of testicles." "What are we talking about, a little numbness or that time I sat on my Taser?" "Well, apparently, the angle of the seat, it restricts blood flow, causing low sperm count and/or possible impotence." "Really?" "I never heard that." "Well, you ain't gonna read about that in Modern Bride." "Pick up this month's copy of American Balls." "How about we hit a couple clubs up after we get off, huh?" "Have a few drinks, maybe find some bad girls who want to cop some pleas." "Or even better, please some cops?" "(laughs)" "Do you listen to yourself when you talk?" "No, thanks, I got an O.A. meeting." "You're kidding me." "Overeaters Anonymous on a Friday night?" "That is pathetic." "Oh, I'm pathetic?" "Which one of us lives with his grandma?" "Hey, the only reason I'm over there is because she's old and frail and needs somebody to look after her." "She mows the lawn, Carl." "After I start it up for her and push her in the right direction." "Fine." "Whatever you need to live with yourself... and your grandma." "You know, I would shoot you right now, but I don't have enough chalk to outline your body." "âª She's a brick, uh-uh-uh, house âª âª Uh-uh-uh, she's mighty, mighty âª âª Just letting it all hang out âª âª 'Cause she's a brick... âª" "(humming) âª House!" "âª âª Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now âª âª Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down now âª âª Shake it down, shake it... âª" "Ma, do you have to eat that in front of me?" "Oh, I'm sorry, baby," "Want a bite?" "What do you think I'm doing on this machine here, making butter?" "Oh, baby, why are you punishing yourself?" "Face it, you're a big-boned girl." "You're always gonna be a big-boned girl." "Bones don't jiggle, Mom." "You just gotta accept the fact that you got you daddy's genes." "I mean, if you had a turkey leg in one hand and the other hand down your pants," "I'd swear he was risen from the dead." "Ah, this is moist!" "Do I smell your double chocolate blackout cake?" "Fresh out of the oven." "Oh-ho-ho, give me!" "Mmm!" "Oh, Mom, this is incredible." "This time, instead of milk," "Mm-hmm?" "I used pudding." "Well, bravo." "That must be why it's so smooth and creamy." "For God's sakes, why are you doing this to me?" "!" "BOTH:" "What?" "What are we doing?" "Never mind." "I've burned off my, uh, 12 calories." "Just gonna go to my O.A. meeting." "Oh, Mol, you're never gonna meet a cute guy at the chub club." "I'm not going to meet guys." "I'm going for support." "Not that I don't get more than enough right here!" "Whoa!" "Where'd that come from?" "Where did that come from?" "Are you kidding me?" "Okay, I'm trying to watch my diet," "I'm trying to exercise, and you two are just trying to make me fatter!" "You're not fat!" "You're big-boned." "And I'm just trying to get you laid." "(groans)" "Why don't you take her to one of those lesbo clubs?" "Now, th-they seem to like the beefy gals." "âª For the first time in my life âª âª I see the light. âª" "You really didn't have to come with me." "Hey, you said you wanted to be supported." "I'm supporting." "Where are you going?" "The meeting's in here." "You go ahead." "I'm gonna sneak into the little girls' room and light up a fatty." "No offense, fellas." "Hi, my name's Mike." "I'm an overeater." "ALL:" "Hi, Mike." "I had a pretty fair week;" "I lost three pounds." "Then I took off my shirt, and I found it right about here." "Anyway, diet-wise, I did have one tiny setback this week." "I was at the grocery store, and they were having a sale on those fun-size candies for Halloween." "Well, I picked up a bag, figuring I'm gonna need something for the trick-or-treaters." "Before I know it, I'm standing in front of the checkout with 19 of the fun little bastards jammed in my mouth, trying to say, "Plastic."" "(chuckling):" "Hallelujah!" "Then, of course, the self-loathing kicks in." "The voices in my head start telling me what a loser I am, how no one's ever gonna love me and, you know, how I'm gonna spend the last few years of my life alone in a dark apartment," "my only companions, six or seven cats that made the mistake of wandering into my gravitational field." "The bottom line is, I-I know those voices are lying." "And I know all I gotta do is work this program one day at a time." "That's why I start every morning by getting on my knees and asking God to give me the strength to stay on my diet." "And then I pray that he gives me the strength to get my fat ass up off the floor." "Anyway, thank you." "Hey." "Damn it, one of y'all got to inhale." "Hey!" "Hey, what are you doing here?" "Well, I figured now that your meeting's over, you might want to go have some fun." "Sure." "Sure." "Want to go get some TCBY?" "Hell, yeah." "A couple of single guys on a Friday night, let's get all up in some yogurt." "Hey, I really liked your share." "Oh, thank you." "You're pretty funny." "Yeah, I figure if everybody's laughing, they won't try to kill and cook each other." "(chuckles)" "Molly." "Mike." "VICTORIA:" "Hey... there you are." "Where did you go?" "Went looking for a snack machine, and all I found were these crackers up in the church." "Really dry." "Do you know of a good place around here where I could get a pizza?" "What do you think?" "This is my sister, Victoria." "Hi, Victoria." "Hello, Victoria." "Officer Carl MacMillan, Chicago PD." "Whoa..." "You're a cop?" "Yeah, Mike and I, we're both cops." "(chuckles)" "Great!" "I love cops!" "Cops are great!" "I'm not high." "Anyhoo..." "I'm a fourth-grade teacher, and I'd love to have a police officer come and speak to my class." "Oh, absolutely." "Just contact the department." "They'll send somebody right over." "Oh, all right." "Or you can give Officer Biggs your number, and he can come talk to your class himself." "Even better." "Oh, uh, okay." "Well, uh, are you looking for, like, general information or scared straight?" "Well, they're nine years old, so scare the hell out of 'em." "Kidding." "Just be funny and charming like you were in the meeting." "Okay." "Great." "Call me." "I will." "All right." "Has it been a long time since I've talked?" "Come on." "Come on." "Come on." "Please tell me why we let them go." "I mean, the pothead had jungle fever, and you could have gotten the other one with a taffy apple." "I'm not letting her go." "I just don't want to come off as desperate." "Yeah, but you are desperate." "No." "I'm lonely and miserable." "There's a difference." "And, and what is that difference?" "Shut up." "You live with your grandma." "âª La, la-ba-di-da. âª" "You know, I wish these uniforms were a little more flattering, you know?" "Blousier." "Who you trying to fool?" "(toilet flushes)" "I mean, you met her at an O.A. meeting." "I mean, she sticks her hand under there and doesn't find a man bra, she's gonna be ecstatic." "You know, I was thinking about asking her to go to the aquarium with me." "The aquarium?" "Yeah." "The first date?" "Uh-huh." "Let me ask you something." "What?" "You ever been on a second date?" "(toilet flushes)" "Hold it right there, fella." "Yes, sir?" "You want to go to jail?" "No, sir." "Then get over there and wash your hands." "(kids conversing loudly)" "All right, people, settle down." "I want you to give your attention and your respect to Officer Michael Biggs of the Chicago Pol..." "Shut up!" "Chicago Police Department." "Officer Biggs?" "Okay." "Uh, thank you." "Mm-hmm." "First, I'd like to say there are a lot of misconceptions about what it is a police officer actually does." "My dad says you guys are all on the take." "Gary, I told you not..." "No, no, th-that's okay." "Well, Gary, that's one of the misconceptions I was talking about." "Now, I know on TV and in the movies, they like to make you think that there's a lot of corruption..." "My mom says you guy only go after people of color." "Well, geez, that's not true at all." "You calling my mom a liar?" "Wh-Why don't we save all of our questions for the end?" "Well, you know what?" "This is good." "I mean, questions lead to a give-and-take and stimulate discussion." "How can you be a cop and be so fat?" "You know, maybe we should save the questions till after." "Hey, I have a question." "No, you don't." "Oh, but I do." "No, you don't." "My question is:" "What made you want to become a police officer in the first place?" "Oh, that's a great question." "Well, I became a police officer because my dad was a police officer." "He worked the same beat for 30 years:" "a five-block radius in the Wicker Park area." "And since our last name is Biggs, he used to refer to it as "Biggs' Mile."" "As a kid, I always thought he was saying "Big Smile."" "I remember watching him leaving in the morning." "His uniform would always be pressed, and his shoes shined like mirrors." "I'd say to him, "Dad, where are you going?"" "And he'd say, "Biggs' Mile, son."" "And since I thought he was saying "Big Smile,"" "I'd give him a big smile." "Anyway, everybody in that neighborhood loved him 'cause he kept the place safe." "And he treated everyone with respect." "He made police work look like like a pretty noble profession right up until the very end." "What happened?" "Did he die?" "No, he fell in love with a prostitute, divorced my mom and moved to Tampa." "Tore the whole family apart." "I probably should have stopped at "noble profession""" "I really appreciate you doing this." "I think the kids got a lot out of it." "Oh, hey, they seem like a good group, except the one with the mouth." "He's on a hellbound train." "Gary?" "Yeah." "I caught him sniffing the dry-erase markers." "That's not gonna end pretty." "(chuckles)" "Okay, well, um, thanks again for inviting me." "You're welcome." "It was nice of you to come." "Oh, it was my pleasure." "So... what made you want to become a teacher?" "(desk falling over, kids yelling)" "I really don't remember." "I gotta go." "Oh." "Oh, okay." "Bye." "Bye." "(clears throat)" "Hey, would you like to go out with me sometime?" "MOLLY:" "Shut up!" "Now, that was pathetic." "Really?" "It didn't look as smooth as it felt?" "You know, I could lie to you if you want, but I thought our relationship had grown beyond that." "Two meatball subs, large curly fries and chocolate malt." "Welcome back." "Thanks, Samuel." "What's this world coming to?" "$38 to get lipstick out of suede pants?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm having dinner." "No, this isn't dinner." "This is suicide with meatball bullets." "Come on." "Give that back." "I'm not gonna let you blow your diet." "You just lost three-and-a-half pounds." "Oh, big deal." "My farts weigh three-and-a-half pounds." "You don't have to tell me." "I ride in the car with you every day." "Samuel, can you please throw this away and bring my partner a chicken breast on wheat toast?" "Throw it away?" "I don't think so." "I will airdrop it to my village." "There." "Now, you may never have sex without paying for it, but you're still on your diet." "Thanks." "Come here." "Give me some love." "Sweet Jesus, it's like hugging a futon." "I don't know." "I..." "I guess I've had food issues for as long as I can remember." "Once, my dad had to write a check for $280 to the Girls Scouts of America for "unaccounted for cookies."" "God bless him, he never said a word." "Never made me feel bad about it." "'Course, he weighed about a thousand pounds himself, so..." "Anyway, I know I'm never gonna be a size two." "I mean, and that's fine because I happen to like who I am." "You know, there's nothing wrong with me as a person." "I'm smart, I'm funny," "I recycle!" "(laughs)" "I just want to learn to control my eating, you know, and not keel over in a White Castle drive-through like my dad." "And it was his third lap." "That's it." "Oh, and I would love to be able to walk into a nightclub without having every queen in the room leaping on me like I'm a Gay Pride float." "Thank you." "Okay, who wants to share next?" "I would." "Hey, I didn't see you there." "Yeah, I lost another pound." "I'm becoming a rail." "(laughs)" "Can I talk to you outside?" "Sure." "Is everything okay?" "Yeah, yeah, it's fine." "I just... um..." "Well, uh... (clears throat)" "I wanted to tell you..." "Mm." "that, uh..." "I like fish." "All right." "What I mean to say is, I'm sort of an amateur ichthyologist." "So, all types of fish?" "You know that word?" "I'm a school teacher." "You'd be surprised at the words I know." "Anyway, I-I like to go to the aquarium on my days off, 'cause there's something really soothing about watching those giant creatures float around each other, all graceful and weightless." "Sounds like my water aerobics class." "That's funny." "Anyway, uh, uh, I was wondering if you weren't doing anything, if we could... (yelling)" "Are you okay?" "Oh, I'm fine." "You landed pretty hard." "Oh!" "No, no, I'm good, but I don't think that table's up to code." "Oh!" "Oh, is your finger supposed to be pointed in that direction?" "Whoa!" "No, it is not." "Oh, that's bad." "I should probably skedaddle over to the emergency room." "Yeah." "Do you need somebody to drive you?" "Oh, no, no, no." "Life of a police officer." "Tuck and roll." "Duck and cover." "Don't vomit." "Just get to the car." "Don't vomit." "You ever gonna call that O.A. girl back?" "No." "That, uh..." "that ship has sailed." "I'm just gonna move on." "Mind if I tell you where I think you went wrong?" "Oh, would you?" "Women don't want to hear a grown man going on about ichthyology." "It's got the word ick built right into it." "You know, if you went with me just once, you would see how beautiful and sensuous these creatures really are." "Mm-hmm." "See, right there?" "Ain't no lady in the world gonna whip her undies off hearing that kind of jibber-jabber." "RADIO DISPATCHER:" "Got an 831 at 9425 Cicero Avenue." "Handle code two." "(static crackles)" "Car 79 in the vicinity." "Roger, car 79." "Hey, you ever thought about one of them Russian mail order brides?" "Here we go." "Those women are very hot." "Back when they were commies, they all weighed, like, 300 pounds and had moustaches." "Democracy's what cleaned them bitches up." "And here's another idea." "Maybe you could move to Japan." "A big man is like a god over there." "Do you ever actually stop to breathe, or do you have, like, a blowhole under your hat?" "(doorbell rings) Seriously, yank your underwear up into your crack and get you some sumo groupies." "Mike." "Molly." "What are you doing here?" "Uh, somebody called the cops, and we're the cops." "Yeah, we called, like, an hour and a half ago." "Did you guys get lost, or stop to make out under a bridge somewhere?" "Calm down, Mom." "Seriously, though, did you guys stop to get pizza or something?" "Wow, what are the odds, huh?" "Odds, my sweet mocha ass." "This is a miracle of biblical proportions." "How do you figure?" "God couldn't bring Molly to the mountain, so he brought the mountain to Molly." "I'm the mountain, right?" "You're the freakin' Himalayas." "Get in there!" "It's gonna be okay, Mom." "It's, it's just stuff." "Just stuff?" "!" "Is that what you call the diamond necklace your father gave me?" "Oh, God, I'm so sorry." "Did you know he had to take a second job to afford that thing?" "And I had to give him a third job to get it." "You think you'll be able to find our things?" "I doubt it." "We barely found your house." "Hey!" "We're gonna do our very best to recover your property, but first, we're gonna need to fill out a report." "VICTORIA:" "They stole my water pipe!" "(holding in smoke):" "Luckily, I was a Girl Scout." "(blows out smoke):" "Hi." "Apple?" "Uh, no thanks." "They test our urine for fruit." "Oh." "Okay, can I get a list of some of the missing items?" "Well, they took the TV, a couple of iPods, the computer, my mom's jewelry." "Okay, I'm gonna need serial numbers off the TV and the computer, and, uh, any photographs you might have of the missing property." "And would you like to go out with me sometime?" "What?" "!" "You're asking me out now?" "That is correct, ma'am." "You had every chance to ask me out, and you chose to ask me out in the middle of a crime scene?" "I realize this is not the most opportune moment, but I'm quite smitten with you." "I would hate to see this moment pass by without me telling you that you're a truly remarkable woman with a lot of interesting qualities that I find both attractive and appealing." "Ma'am." "Okay, that was pretty cute." "So, is that a yes or a no?" "Is it gonna go on the report?" "Depends on what your answer is." "I would love to go out with you." "Then yes, I am writing that down." "She better be good to him." "What do you want?" "I'm a sensitive guy."