"This is what I call a poker face." "Now let me concentrate." "Right." "Now, let's try again, shall we, you hexadecimal half-wit?" "Righto, Mary." "Mr Lister!" "(RED DWARF THEME SONG)" "So that thing's spewing time back into the universe?" "Precisely." "So what is it?" "I've lost my polymorph." "It's on the loose." "It's on the loose!" "Come into the geek's room." "Never isn't in Ace Rimmer's vocabulary." "Neither's can't, won't or impotence." "First..." "First." "Second." "First... (MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "Hello." "What the hell?" "First, let me thank everyone who sent in a film because we've been inundated with literally several entries, and I have to say the standard has staggered us." "In fact, days later, people are still staggering." "There have emerged two entries of true genuine distinction and, as a consequence, we've invented two categories so both can win awards." "The first category is the best dramatic reconstruction of our attempts to get funding for the Red Dwarf movie." "And the second category is best Red Dwarf film featuring a genetic mutant played by male human body parts." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "So, without further ado, here's the first award." "And the winner is..." "Best documentary THE MOVIE:" "YEAH, NO, YEAH, NO by lan Symes." "NARRATOR:" "This is Grant Naylor productions, home of the popular science fiction comedy Red Dwarf." "The man in charge is Doug Naylor, ably assisted by general manager Helen Norman, and general right-hand man Andrew Ellard." "Damn spacehog!" "NARRATOR:" "And, of course, Mr Flibble." "Well, I joined the company a few years ago now." "It was only a couple of weeks before I was issued with this complete beard." "I know I get a lot of criticism for it, but having a uniform beard just helps with the general atmosphere of togetherness." "Helen's still furious about it, of course." "Well, it's ridiculous." "I mean, how is anyone in the industry meant to take us seriously when we're all strutting around with matching bloody beards?" "Of course, what she's really upset about is having to cut her original beard down to the regulation length." "She didn't like that at all." "I've written this movie version of Red Dwarf and I'm trying to get it funded." "NARRATOR:" "Most of the executives wanted to see big names in the movie." "Well, we just love the script." " Yeah, it's amazing." " Really fantastic." "Totally!" "I haven't read it yet, but I love it." "Any ideas for casting?" "Yeah, no." "I want to keep the original British cast." "No, no, no." "We need some heavy names in there." "How about Hugh Grant for Lister?" "What other limeys can we get?" "Anthony Head for "Rye-mer"?" "Patrick Stewart for Holly." " John Hurt." " Tim Roth." " Ewan McGregor." " Alan Rickman." "Jane Leeves." "Actually, forget about the limeys." "How about Arnie for Lister?" "I like it, I like it." "De Niro for Rimmer." " J-Lo for Kochanski." " Snoop Dogg for Cat." "Might have a bit of a problem with the name there." "Actually, I do have a few issues with the title." "What about the title?" "Well, we just feel it's not..." "It's not politically correct." "We really don't want to upset the dwarves." "They are a big business here in Hollywood." "Christ knows how Disney got away with it." " I've got it." "Red Vertically Challenged Person." " Yeah." "You're serious, aren't you?" "No, I'm not really sure about that one." " I don't think the kids will really go for it." " Yeah, kids are the future." "Yeah, we need something edgy." "Something with zing." "I got it." "Dead Guys in Space." "Dude, Where's My Spaceship?" "Like Star Trek:" "Only funny." "Smegging hell!" "It's a Spaceship." "Spaceballs." "You know, I think we're making real progress here." "I'll order some coffee." "Anyone want any toast?" "Hello, Grant Naylor Productions." "NARRATOR:" "Just when all seemed lost, the office received a call from an Australian investor." "Yes, one moment, please." "Doug, it's for you." "It's an investor." "Doug Naylor." "How much?" "$60 million." "I mean, do you want it all or would something less be okay?" "Well, yeah, no." "We could probably make a great film for around 20 million, but, you know..." "Maybe 60 million could be the way to go." "Yeah, no, 60 million is definitely the way to go." "No problem." "I'm a big Dwarf fan anyway so I'm happy to help out." " When do you want to meet?" " How about tomorrow?" "Great." "One thing, though." "Could you pay my airfare?" "Erm, yeah, okay." "Great, great." "Also, could I stay at your place?" "Erm, wouldn't a hotel be a bit more..." "No, I'm afraid I don't have that kind of money, I'm afraid." "Erm..." "Right." "By the way, did I mention I'm the Duke of Manchester?" "Very funny, guys." "Thanks a bunch." "Thanks a smegging bunch-a-rooney." "If Napoleon Bonaparte calls, put him through to my mobile." "Hold on, Doug." "I've just looked on the internet and there is a Duke of Manchester." "His family moved to Melbourne at the turn of the 20th century." "Quick, 1471." "Your Dukeness, sorry about that." "There must have been a problem with the phones." "Yeah, it is a bad line." "Just wondering about this money of yours." "Do you have any proof of it?" "I'm sorry to ask." "It's just British law and all that." "Yeah." "A bank statement." "Yeah." "Just fax it through to us." "Yeah." "You've got the number." "Great." "Cheers." "Ah, smug-mode." "A fax is coming through." " It says he's got $100 million." " Yes!" "Boys from the Dwarf." "Oh, hang on." "Some of the figures don't add up." "The balance starts off at $18.67 and then there's a transaction to the Big Boys In Boots subscription department for $15." "And the final figure is $100 million." "Oh." "And the final figure is written in biro." "Ah." "Funding doesn't exist here anymore?" "Actually, to be more precise, Andrew, the funding hasn't ever have existed here anymore." "Although, this is hardly the time to be conjugating verbs in the past participle never tense." " What are we gonna do?" " I say let's get out there and twat it!" "Doug, you're ill." "Just relax and leave this to us." "Shut up, Andrew." "Duke, you're a cancerous polyp on the anus of society." "$100 million?" "Do you think I was born yesterday?" "Doug, I can assure you, I've got the money." "There was just a problem with the statement." "I had to change it a bit." "Tell you what, I've got Kylie Minogue here in my house." "I'll go get her, she can vouch for me." "He's apparently gonna get Kylie on the phone." "Do you think she'd sign my copy of I Should Be So Lucky?" "Hello, Doug." "I'm Kylie Minogue and I'm at the Duke's house and I have to say he's a really great guy." "And he's definitely got the money." "It's just resting in a different account." "And I'm definitely Kylie." "I'm wiggling my arse as I say this." "Yeah." "No, Andrew, I don't think she will." "(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)" "Doug Naylor." "Ah, Napoleon Bonaparte." "Of course." "NARRATOR:" "A strange incident." "But GNP had to deal with a number of weird and wonderful individuals." "(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)" "He say he like it, but he has some issues with the casting." "(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE) ...Steve Coogan..." "Rimmer." "Actually, you know what?" "I've got other people to see." "We've really been round the houses just to get here, but we've not lost faith." "I mean, you know, I can't see us still being here in 50 years still trying to get funding." "Hello, Grant Naylor Productions." "Really?" "That's wonderful news." "I'm so happy." " Helen!" " Is she ok?" "She's dead, Andrew." "Flibble?" "Dead." "It's about the movie!" "There may be a..." "Doug?" "Doug?" "There may be a what?" "A way to fund the movie?" "Is that what you were going to say?" "Speak, Doug." "How can we change what's happening?" "(RED DWARF THEME SONG)" "And winner of the best..." "Red Dwarf film featuring human male body part is Red Dwarf:" "Attack of the..." "I'll leave the last bit out or it will give the joke away." "By James Hickey." "Curry, curry, hey?" "Officer, officer, officer." "Well, sirs, hmm..." "Waah!" "Hey!" "(ROARING)" "(ROARING)" "Curry, curry, curry..." "What's happening, dudes?" "(ROARING)" "(CRASHING)" "(ROARING)" "(ROARING)" "(RED DWARF THEME SONG)"