"Well, it's that time of year again." "The town of Natesville, famous for its rich soil that for reasons unknown produces the plumpest radishes in the world, is celebrating its annual Thanksgiving Radish Harvest Festival." "Natesville!" "Hey, stop doing that." "Not only is the festival an opportunity for Natesville residents to show off their radishes, it's also an opportunity to show off the radish's many uses as a food, a garnish and as a projectile." "Oh!" "What?" "Winner, winner, Thanksgiving radish dinner." "The festival also offers small business owners who are afraid of the Internet the opportunity to advertise." "Knock Knock Knock Housekeeping." "Call the gals in pink to remove your stink." "This week-long event also gives some of the city's unsung and unpaid heroes their day in the sun." "BARNEY:" "Today's security is provided by the Natesville Auxiliary Police." "This year the mall cops loaned us their Segways, and the high school donated whistles." "(whistles loudly)" "So, if you miss it this year, make sure you get here next year so the people of Natesville can..." "ALL:" "Show you our radishes!" "I'm Dave Davidson, and this has been "Where the Heck Is Dave Today?"" "Natesville!" "Whoo!" "♪ Here we go" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" "(groans)" "This ice cream is disgusting." "The radish is not a desserty vegetable." "Hey." "Hey." "You know our daughter, Annette?" "And this is our grandson, June Bug." "(pops)" "Look at you with a kid of your own throwing explosives." "(pops) Seems like it was just yesterday we were at this same festival" "(pops) watching you and Jimmy play with fireworks." "(pops)" "BARNEY:" "Radish revelers, can I have your attention, please?" "No." "(whistles) Over here, on the stage." "Before I bring out this year's entertainment, (pops)" "Allman Skynyrd, a patchwork of survivors from Lynyrd Skynyrd and the Allman Brothers," "I have an announcement about the annual candy drive." "Now, as always, it's you kids of Natesville that raise the money for this wonderful festival." "The child who sells the most candy gets to be the little pilgrim in the "We're Thankful for Radishes" (pops)" "Thanksgiving Day float." "Yeah, I was the little pilgrim once." "Are you kidding me?" "Nah." "If you would have played the little pilgrim card when we first met, you would've gotten in my pants a lot sooner." "It did get me a couple of kisses on the playground." "It was the first time in my life that I ever achieved anything." "I felt special." "Everyone was looking up to me, and I made the most of it." "I win, you lose, I win, you lose." "(blows raspberries)" "Now I want Hope to feel the way I felt that day." "It could be just the boost her self-esteem needs to finally get her potty-trained." "Oh, that would be good." "I think she's starting to understand that squatting behind the couch and grunting is losing its charm." "BARNEY:" "Candy sale pickup is now... open!" "Go, go, go!" "Look at them." "I'm glad we're grandparents." "Yep, selling candy is a young parent's game." "Glad I'm retired from all this candy madness." "(pops)" "June Bug, not at the head." "(yelling)" "Hey, hey, it's Jimmy!" "Give me." "Oh, hell no." "People, people, show some decorum." "This is the Radish Festival." "The world is watching." "The world is watching!" "(screaming)" "(groans)" "Take it easy, Hope." "Grandpa spent a lot of money trying to win that horse." "Don't pull Trigger's ear off, okay?" "I think she named it Clip Clop." "Well, Trigger hates that name." "How many bars do you think we need to sell so Hope can be the little pilgrim and ride on the radish float?" "I don't know, and if I were you," "I wouldn't get too invested in her winning." "But she has to win." "Look, I want her to feel like I did." "I mean, it gave me the confidence to go after things that seemed impossible." "Like grow Ricky Radish." "Or Sabrina." "Oh, thank you." "I meant Sabrina Squash." "Well, that's humbling." "Anyway, I hear you guys are candy-selling pros." "You have any tips for us?" "No, absolutely not." "We cannot get involved with this." "No way." "Why?" "Don't ask questions." "What's the big deal?" "Why?" "Shh." "No, please." "(muffled talking)" "Stop." "No." "Shh." "Mmm." "Why can't you help?" "MAW MAW:" "Just tell him." "What are you doing in there?" "I was hoping the cabinet would transport me to a magical place where none of you existed." "How's that working out?" "Not well and we have mice." "Just tell the boy." "It's better coming from you." "Wha..." "Fine, but I'm warning you, this family did things we are ashamed of." "Things you're gonna wish you didn't know about." "(grunting)" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, this sounds like a great story." "Do you guys have any popcorn?" "It's on top of the cupboard." "Hey, remember that tall girl you dated in high school?" "What's her name?" "Rachel." "That's right." "Rachel." "Wonder what she's up to." "What I am about to tell you never leaves this room." "It all happened 20 years ago at the Radish Festival." "I had just started working at Knock Knock Knock Housekeeping." "(pops)" "(pops)" "Ladies and gentlemen, please excuse my sweating." "It must be at least 70 degrees out here." "Now, remember, if you don't want next year's entertainment to be me covering Blues Traveler's songs again, we're gonna need every child to participate in the candy drive." "So what do you say, parents?" "Come and get this candy." "Look at them." "You know those crazy parents will be selling the candy for their kids." "Which will teach the kids nothing." "I guarantee you, 20 years from now, those brats will still be living at home." "Rosa and I were speaking the same language, even though she had a funny accent." "We both agreed that we wouldn't be the kind of parents who do everything for their kids." "It's hot." "Can I get in?" "Have you sold any candy?" "Not yet." "Sorry, kid." "No cash, no splash." "Kiddie pool's for closers." "Oh, come on, can't you help me?" "I want to be the little pilgrim." "Sorry, hon, no can do." "(ice cream truck music playing)" "We're doing this for your own good." "Work builds character." "Ooh." "I'm gonna see if Rosa and Carlos will give us some free Astro Pops." "Count me in." "I want one." "Me, too." "Sorry kid, Astro Pops are for closers." "Hey!" "I thought we said we weren't gonna help them sell chocolate." "Andale, ándale, ándale!" "Jimmy, remember how we said we were finally gonna take you to the movies tonight to see Aladdin?" "Yeah!" "Well, that's off." "We're going to war." "JIMMY:" "You guys suck at this." "VIRGINIA:" "We tried." "We went to every house in the neighborhood, but no one even answered the door." "Those crazy religious people ruined it for everyone." "The problem isn't you, Virginia." "It's those crummy candy bars." "Just 'cause they're brown and filled with nuts doesn't mean they need to taste like crap." "Don't worry." "Maw Maw's got an idea." "VIRGINIA:" "It was time for us to bring out the big guns." "So Maw Maw started whipping up a batch of her own special chocolate." "Of course, she only used the finest of ingredients." "There were plenty of people in the confection game, but what made her cocoa so loco was her secret ingredient, bacon drippings." "She had created the most delicious and addictive food known to man." "We called it Maw Maw's Magic Brown." "Once people got a taste, word spread." "Everyone was hooked." "(ice cream truck music plays)" "And that started a major turf war." "Burt!" "They hit us, but we hit them back harder." "(grunting)" "(screams)" "When the dust had settled and the candy was gone, it was time to count up the earnings and see who was gonna ride that float." "Well, quite a lot of chimmies in those changas." "Looks like Rosa's the winner." "Hold on." "I've got this contest in the bag." "Or should I say, bags?" "That was Burt's line, but I think he stole it from an episode of MacGyver." "Seeing Jimmy up on that float made me feel proud that we were able to win the contest for him." "He was so happy." "But then I realized that even though Jimmy was happy, we made another child very sad, and all of a sudden, I didn't feel so good." "At that moment, Rosa and I both realized there are no winners in a candy war." "And there's been peace between the families ever since." "So if you want Hope to ride on that float, you're gonna have to do it without our help." "Fine." "I'll do it on my own." "We need to call a plumber." "The toilet in here won't flush." "I thought you said "cookie."" "It sounded like you said "cookie."" "Why would I say, "If we hurry, we can have a cookie in the shower"?" "Doesn't even make sense." "That's why I said no." "Damn, never get that one back." "Rosa?" "Andale, ándale, ándale!" "Andale, ándale, ándale!" "Rosa's back in the candy game!" "She and Carlos are selling chocolate bars out of their ice cream truck." "That dirty, lying, chocolate-slinging ho!" "Fire up the Bunsen burner." "We're gonna drop some cocoa madness on those chumps." "JIMMY:" "Once we learned Rosa was back to dealing candy bars, we knew our only chance at getting Hope to win the contest was to pull Maw Maw out of retirement." "When Maw Maw's recipe hit the streets, the Chance family was back on top." "(ice cream truck music plays)" "When Rosa's family knew we were back in business, things got rough." "(muffled yelling)" "Let this be a lesson." "Don't screw with the Flores family." "(glass breaking)" "JIMMY:" "And we weren't gonna take that lying down." "(off-key violins playing)" "(screaming)" "As sticky as things were getting on the streets, things were starting to melt on the inside, too." "Whoa, whoa, whoa." "Are you boosting?" "Come on." "I need it." "I just..." "We've been working all night, and I-I need the energy." "Plus they're just..." "they're so good." "Bitch, you know we don't get high on our own supply." "Oh!" "JIMMY:" "While we were fighting mayhem at home, the Flores cartel decided to hit us where it really hurt." "(screaming)" "Maw Maw stepped things up by making the chocolate even stronger." "Nobody could resist our latest strain." "(moaning)" "Come on, man, just give me some chocolate." "A chunk, a section, a little bitty square." "I can't do it, Frank." "Barney said I can't sell in the store." "Barney also said, if I just wander around doing nothing all day, he'll fire me." "That was ten years ago." "Give me some." "I know you're holding." "Hey, get out of there." "Stop it." "Get out." "No, no, no, no." "What do we have here?" "(sniffs)" "That's Maw Maw's Magic Brown." "It's back on the street?" "James, my office now!" "Frank, if you don't stop wandering around, I'll fire you." ""You have been detained" ""by a Natesville auxiliary police officer." ""You have the right to remain silent." ""You also have the right to leave at any point" ""because said auxiliary officer has no legal authority to detain you."" "Wait, so I can just leave?" "Not if you ever want your daughter to ride on top of the "We're Thankful for Radishes" float." "Oh, Barney, come on." "Don't make Hope suffer just because you have a beef with me." "Oh, this has nothing to do with you." "You're small potatoes." "I want the russet." "The what?" "The russet." "It's the king of potatoes." "How do you work in produce and not know that?" "Fine." "I'll go get you a potato." "I don't want a potato." "I want your mother." "20 years ago, your mother and I had a run-in." "Hold on." "I've got this contest in the bag." "Or should I say, bags?" "Wow, this is a lot of money, Virginia." "How'd you sell so much candy?" "Guess I just have a knack for it." "I find that hard to believe." "Yeah, well, I find it hard to believe that an aspirin just knows when I've got a pain in my neck, but it does." "Got any aspirin?" "Aisle two." "I was darn sure your mother cheated, and like any good auxiliary police officer," "I was gonna keep the pressure on until she admitted it." "You cheated." "Prove it." "And over the years, I've never let it go." "You cheated!" "Prove it." "You cheated." "Prove it." "Knock Knock Knock Housekeeping." "You cheated." "Prove it." "So, James, I guess the radish is in your basket now." "How do you want to play it?" "Barney, please." "Don't make me rat out my own mom." "Snitches get stitches." "I'm not asking you to be a snitch." "I'm asking you to do what's best for you and your daughter." "You want her to be the little pilgrim, don't you?" "What do I have to do?" "I don't have to beat up my own mom, do I?" "Absolutely not." "You are gonna wear a wire." "(over P.A.):" "You cheated." "Prove it!" "Oh, I will." "I finally will." "(door closes)" "JIMMY:" "Back at the chocolate factory, things were really out of control." "Hopped up on chocolate, nobody had slept for days." "And everyone was going more than a little crazy." "You weren't followed here, were you?" "I think Rosa's got ties to the Mexican Air Force." "Listen, you hear that?" "Choppers!" "I don't see them." "I think they've been camouflaged to look like the sky." "They invented the chalupa." "How hard can the invisible helicopter be?" "How's it going, Mom?" "Oh, damn it, Jimmy, I was up to four, and now I've got to start all over again." "Chopper!" "I see one." "It looks just like a bird." "Yeah, sorry to interrupt you from counting money from our current candy sales, which we have gotten by cheating when we added a secret addictive ingredient to the chocolate bar." "Get out of my face." "JIMMY:" "So I have to push the big button and the little red button?" "BARNEY:" "The little red button is inside the big button." "JIMMY:" "Oh, I'm doing it right now." "He's wearing a wire." "He's wearing a wire!" "It's the.... (groans)" "You're gonna talk, Jimmy." "Who gave you the wire?" "Ow, you got chocolate in my eye." "You're ruining a good thing here, Jimmy." "Tell us where that wire came from." "Tell us!" "We're not playing around." "(motor hums)" "Ricky!" "It was Barney." "He told me he'd rig the contest so that Hope could be the little pilgrim if I helped him prove you've been cheating all these years." "Why didn't you just tell us that, you idiot?" "The only reason we've been doing this is to get Hope on that float." "Oh." "HOPE:" "Potty." "Come on, sweetie." "Get comfy." "All right, sweetie." "Daddy is so proud." "(splashing)" "ALL:" "Hey!" "Fine, you're right." "I cheated." "I knew you were dirty." "Not any worse than you, rigging this contest just to get me to confess to rigging the contest." "Hey, no one's innocent." "The real little pilgrim of Natesville was a psychotic dwarf who slaughtered an entire Indian village to get a basket of radishes." "JIMMY:" "Parents can sometimes go a little too far where their kids are concerned." "You never know how much help to give them, and the truth is the kids probably don't even care." "(pops)" "It's the adults that get caught up in the competition." "I know you cheated." "Prove it." "(blows raspberries)" "That's our girl."