"Oh, damn, they canceled my Visa." "(gasps) Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!" "Uh-oh." "What?" "I was going to get my mail." "Okay." "Are... are you hoping to get it telepathically?" "I think you mean telekinetically." "And no." "I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus." "God, can we please just say "no longer seeing each other"?" "Well, we could if it were true." "But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time." "The variable which has changed is the coitus." "Okay, here's the protocol:" "you and I are still friends, and you stop saying "coitus."" "Good, good." "I'm glad we're still friends." "Really?" "Oh, yes." "It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life." "I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain." "Right." "Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying "coitus" with everyone or just you?" "Everyone." "Harsh terms." "But all right" " I'll just substitute "intercourse."" "Great." "Or "fornication."" "Yeah." "But that has judgmental overtones, so I'll hold that in reserve." "So, how you been?" "Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period." "You're just coitusing with me, aren't you?" "Bazinga." "Mm-hmm." "How's Leonard doing?" "He seems all right." "Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on." "Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that." "I'll pretend I didn't hear it." "I'd rather you pretend I didn't say it." "I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce." "(laughs):" "Yep." "That's the sauce my mother uses." "She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat." "Interesting." "I'll have to have you over for spaghetti some night." "I'm hungry now." "Oh." "Um, okay." "Why don't you give me an hour and come over?" "Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?" "I don't have hot dogs." "Oh, it's all right;" "I do." "Oh!" "You're in for what my mother calls "a real Eye-talian treat""" "Hey, where you been?" "I was talking with Penny." "What's wrong with you?" "You can't hang out with your roommate's ex." "That's totally uncool." "No, it's fine." "I don't care." "I'm over it." "Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black." "Is he making any progress?" "Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil." "So would Ben Affleck." "The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides." "You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny." "Which one picks last?" "What?" "Well, usually I'm on the team that picks last." "Unless there's a kid in a wheelchair." "Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken." "I hope you're hungry." "Well, of course I'm hungry." "And as I have no plans to eat with any other team," "I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto." "Mm, mm, mm!" "Okay." "Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?" "I don't know." "Why?" "Just making dinner conversation." "Go, Team Leonard!" "♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪" "♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started..." "Wait!" "♪" "♪ The Earth began to cool ♪" "♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪" "♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪" "♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪" "♪ That all started with a big bang ♪" "♪ Bang!" "♪" "The Big Bang Theory 3x20 The Spaghetti Catalyste Original Air Date on May 3, 2010" "Oh, God, this is good." "Let me ask you a question." "Do you believe you're going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?" "Jews don't have hell." "We have acid reflux." "Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?" "Certainly." "It's not like I have to moderate my food intake because I'm planning on eating again very shortly." "Mm, mm, mm!" "So, you guys want to do something tonight?" "Nah, I can't." "I got to pick up my mom from her water aerobics class." "18 overweight women flapping their arm fat in a swimming pool." "Looks like the manatee tank at Sea World." "What about you, Raj?" "Oh, there it is:" "now that you don't have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again." "I never stopped hanging out with you." "Oh, please, we all know I'm the friend you call when you have no other options." "If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman." "I wish you were Aquaman." "Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank." "Excuse me, I'm thirsty, so I'm going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage." "You know what?" "I'll just spend the evening alone." "What, suddenly I'm not good enough for you?" "Ah..." "I do so love beverages." "Now I think I'll take my after-dinner walk." "Since when do you take after-dinner walks?" "Yeah, since when do you take walks?" "I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there's one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it's serotonin." "Bye-bye." "Hold on." "I'll walk down with you." "Oh... that's not necessary." "You can go first." "Or we could go together." "I can't think of a reason why not." "Let's go." "Hold on." "Nope, no reason." "I've missed you." "All right, say hello to your mother for me." "Okay." "What?" "You said you were going for a walk." "I didn't say outside." "So what, you're just gonna walk up and down the stairs?" "No, of course not." "That would be odd and suspicious behavior." "WOMAN:" "Here, Russell!" "Here, boy!" "Which way are you going?" "Which way are you going?" "I parked my scooter down the block." "I'm going the other way." "Bye." "Bye." "Actually, I'm this way." "Do I smell hot dogs?" "No." "I mean, I have no idea what you smell." "I definitely smell raw hot dog." "Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor." "All right, have a nice walk." "I shall." "Have a nice scoot." "You might want to stand back." "I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here." "(horn beeps)" "Oh." "Hello, doggie." "(growling)" "Nice doggie." "(barks, growls)" "I bet you think you smell hot dogs." "Look, a cat!" "(barking)" "SHELDON (knocking):" "Penny?" "(knocking) Penny." "(knocking) Penny." "Here." "I had to trade the others for my life." "(music playing over TV)" "Hey, Leonard?" "Yeah?" "I haven't had sex in a year." "Where you going with this, Raj?" "Don't flatter yourself, dude." "I want to go out and meet a woman." "So, go." "Well, I need a wingman." "I don't want to come off like a lonely loser." "And you think my presence will help with that?" "Well, I do." "Next to you, I'll look like a catch." "I'm not going out tonight, Raj." "All right." "Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian pornography?" "Very much." "Doesn't have to be Asian." "Don't worry." "You'll meet a girl someday." "No, I won't." "Yes, you will, and she'll be beautiful." "And kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman." "You really think so?" "I do, and you'll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart." "And she'll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces." "But we'll have sex first, right?" "(exhales)" "Mmm, mmm, mmm." "That's Eye-talian." "So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over?" "Oh, yes." "In fact, he said, "I'm fine." "I don't care."" "And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal." "Well, good." "I'm also pleased to report that he's all cried out over you." "He's been crying?" "Oh, I believe that was something else" "I wasn't supposed to mention." "Oh, God, I feel terrible." "Do you have a stomachache, too?" "No." "Why, do you?" "No." "Why did you ask if I had one, too?" "Just making polite dinner conversation." "Your turn." "All right." "So, what's new in your life?" "Well, my new shoes are not made for running." "Have you been running?" "No." "It's just a suspicion I have." "Mmm, mmm, mmm." "I'm so glad you like it." "I do." "Leonard never cooks for me." "Well, maybe that's 'cause Leonard can't cook." "You can't cook and you made me this." "Whatever." "Ooh, I'm gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge." "Oh, Lord, I'm in Jewish hell." "Look at this." "Do you think she's really doing that or is it PhotoShop?" "I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys." "You don't know that." "Prison changes people." "Hey, where you been?" "I told you, walking." "For an hour and a half?" "I got lost." "How could you get lost?" "Your phone has GPS." "Satellites are down." "Solar flares." "There are no solar flares right now." "Yes, there are." "Dude, I'm an astrophysicist." "If there were solar flares, I'd be all up in it." "I'm sorry." "I misspoke." "What I meant to say was my battery died." "What the hell was that about?" "I don't know." "Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah?" "Oh, we really need to get you a girl." "SHELDON (knocking):" "Leonard." "(knocking)" "Leonard." "(knocking) Leonard." "Oh, just come in!" "Thanks for seeing me on such short notice." "What do you want, Sheldon?" "Maybe this isn't a good time." "Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you." "Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation?" "Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me." "What do you want?" "You may want to sit down." "I'm in bed!" "Point taken." "You may want to sit up." "Sheldon!" "I've been seeing Penny behind your back." "Okay..." "When you say "seeing Penny," what exactly does that mean?" "We had dinner last night." "She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it." "Well, little hot dog." "I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog." "A real, big dog." "A hell hound." "Tangential to the primary story." "How about I circle back to it?" "Fine." "Why did you have dinner with Penny?" "I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs." "I like spaghetti with little hot dogs." "Then why did you have Chinese food with us?" "I didn't want to upset you." "Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money." "Is it possible he said, "Bros before hos"?" "Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos." "Sheldon, I don't care if you want to be friends with Penny." "Oh." "Well, so the emotional turmoil that's been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?" "Yes." "Well... then as my meemaw would say," ""Looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon."" "I guess not." "And now, as promised, the tangent." "Sheldon and the Hell Hound." "Or How I Lost My Hot Dogs." "Oh, um..." "(clears throat)" "I, I can come back." "D-don't be silly." "We're neighbors." "We're going to run into each other." "May as well get used to it." "Yeah, I guess you're right." "You used to it yet?" "Nope." "Me neither." "Oh, Sheldon seemed tthink that I would be upset about you hanging out with him." "But I just want you to know it's fine." "Oh, oh, good, because, um, his mother called me." "His mother?" "Yeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels." "I was going to do that." "Oh, well, then you..." "you do it." "No, I don't want to do it." "You can do it." "Okay, you can take him for shoes." "I just took him for shoes." "Well, all I know is he says they hurt his feet." "Fine." "I'll take him for shoes next Saturday." "Oh, no, no, no-- a bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next Saturday and Sheldon wants to come." "You're taking him to Disneyland?" "Well, he heard me making plans on the phone." "Was I going to say "no"?" "All right." "But let me know if you're going to stuff him with junk food." "I don't want to bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste." "We're going to Disneyland." "He's going to eat junk food." "All I'm saying is give me a heads-up." "Okay, whatever." "And don't let him go on Space Mountain after he eats." "He'll say he can handle it, but I promise you'll end up with churro puke on your shoes." "All right, got it." "Is there anything else?" "Yeah, don't let Goofy near him." "He'll have nightmares and I'll have to deal with it." "What's the problem with Goofy?" "Wish I knew." "He's fine with Pluto." "Hey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphra?" "Well, that's it." "We're officially out of things to talk about." "We're home." "It's 10:00." "Where have you been?" "SHELDON:" "We stayed for the California Adventure water show." "It was pure Disney magic." "I was going to see that with him." "How was I supposed to know that?" "It's all right." "I'll see it again with you." "And I have food here." "You said you were ing to call." "I know, I know." "I can still eat." "No, you already threw up once." "Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth." "Okay, but just don't fight" "Wee not fighting." "Just go." "Aren't you going to thank Penny for taki you to Disneyland?" "Thank you, Penny." "You're welcome, sweetie." "Want a cup of coffee?" "Oh, um, I should probably get going." "Come on." "It's just a cup of coffee." "(whispering)" "Uh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too." "What am I smelling?" "Sheldon's churro on my shoes." "He's such an angel when he's asleep." "LEONARD:" "Yeah." "Shame he has to wake up." "I think we can do it." "Smother Sheldon in his sleep?" "Wouldn't that be wrong?" "No, be friends." "You and me." "Oh." "Sure." "Absolutely." "Good." "I'm glad." "Here's aidea." "I'm just throwing it out tre:" "friends who have sex." "Good night, Leonard." "Kidding." "Just a couple of friends goofing' around." "No, Goofy, no."