"?" "And here's a hand, my trusty fiere" "?" "And gie's a hand o' thine" "?" "We'll tak' a cup o' kindness now" "?" "For auld lang syne" "Brothers, Sons of the Desert." "We are all familiar with the business of this special meeting." "This oasis must meet the situation with determination." "(SOMEONE KNOCKS ON DOOR)" "Oooh!" "Thank you." "I repeat." "This oasis must face the situation with determination." "Every man must be accounted for." "Every man must do his part." "There must be no weaklings in our midst." "We must put our very hearts and souls into this great undertaking." "There must be no thought of failure." "We must stand shoulder to shoulder." "We must work, we must sacrifice." "The weak must be helped by the strong." "For gentlemen, this, the oldest lodge in the Great Order of the Sons of the Desert must be represented 100% at our annual convention in Chicago next week." "We will now take the oath." "And remember: once taken, this oath has never been broken by any man, down through the centuries of time, in the history of this fraternal organisation." "If any member is doubtful of his strength to keep this solemn pledge, he will please be seated." "(PEOPLE START TO MURMUR) Get up!" " I don't want to..." " Shh!" "Place yourself in position to receive the oath." "Do you all swear to be present at our 87th annual convention in Chicago?" "(ALL):" "I do!" "Me, too." "Wholeheartedly unanimous." "?" "We are the Sons of the Desert" "?" "Having the time of our lives" "?" "Marching along 10,000 strong" "?" "Ta ta, my sweetheart and wife, God bless them" "?" "Tramp, tramp, tramp the boys are marching" "?" "As a unit melody" "(ALL HUM)" "?" "The Sons of the Desert are we." " Why didn't you want to take the oath?" " I was afraid." "Afraid of what?" "I was afraid that if I took the oath to go to the convention, maybe my wife wouldn't let me go." "Of course she'll let you go." "Why, she'll have to let you go." " You took an oath!" " I know." "That's what I'm worrying about." "The Exhausted Ruler said that if you took an oath, it would have to be broken for generations of centuries of hundreds of years." " My wife wouldn't..." " Do you have to ask your wife everything?" "If I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do." " Hm!" " I didn't want..." "I never realised that such a deplorable condition existed in your home." "Why don't you pattern your life after mine?" "I go places and do things and then tell my wife." "Every man should be the king in his own castle!" "(CAR STOPS OUTSIDE)" "(PEOPLE GET OUT OF THE CAR)" "(CAR DRIVES OFF)" "Now, buck up." "Go in and tell her that you're going to the convention." "Be a man." "I'll see you in the morning." " Good night." " (HARDY):" "Good night." " Ollie, dear." " Yes, sugar?" " Is Stanley with you?" " He just went in the house." "You'd better tell him that Betty went duck-hunting and won't get back until late." "Alrighty." " (BETTY):" "Oliver?" " Yes, baby?" "Please close the door." "There's an awful draught in here." "(OLIVER RINGS THE DOORBELL)" "What do you want?" "How did you get in there?" "I was looking for Betty and came in the back way." "I thought..." "Betty has gone duck-hunting and won't be home until late." " Oh." "Well, good night." " Good night." "(OLIVER RINGS THE DOORBELL)" "What?" "Do you realise that you have locked me out?" "Why don't you ring the bell?" "She'll let you in." "(STANLEY RINGS THE DOORBELL)" "Don't get nervous." "She'll be here in a minute." "Where do you think I live?" "(STANLEY RINGS THE DOORBELL)" "What do you think this is?" "Halloween?" "Come in here, you bad boy." "Come on!" "(STANLEY RINGS THE DOORBELL)" "(STANLEY RINGS THE DOORBELL)" " What do you want?" " I've locked myself out." " Oh, sugar?" " Yes?" "Do you mind if Stanley stays with us until Betty comes home?" " He's locked out." " Oh, alright." "(OLIVER HUMS TO HIMSELF)" "(OLIVER HUMS TO HIMSELF)" "What are you eating?" " An apple." " Where did you get it?" " In there." " Why, that's not real fruit!" "It's imitation!" "It's made of wax!" "What has he been doing now?" "He's been eating that phoney fruit." "Oh, so that'swhere it's been going!" "That's the third apple I've missed this week!" " What's new, sugar?" " Oh, nothing much." "What's new with you?" " Oh, nothing to speak of." " Yes, there is." "You didn't tell her about going to the convention." "What convention?" "That's right." "I'm glad you reminded me." "The Sons of the Desert are giving their annual convention in Chicago next week and Stan and I are going." " Oh, you are?" " We thought that the trip would do us good." "Besides being good for us in a business way." "You see, we'll meet new friends and... see a lot of new faces and the change of climate will be good for us in a good many ways." "And besides, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." "Jack who?" "I hope you have a nice time, dear." " Thank you, sugar." " Ha, Ha!" " What's that for?" " Just this: you are not going." " What do you mean I'm not going?" " Just that!" "You're not going to the convention." "You're going to the mountains with me." "But he can't go to the mountains." "He took an oath." " The Exhausted Ruler said that..." " Now, listen, dodo!" "You keep out of this!" "Wait a minute, sugar." "There's no use getting excited." "You're making a mountain out of a molehill." "Certainly, life isn't short enough." " Are you going?" " Huh?" " I said, "Are you going?"" " Yes, sugar..." "Mrs Hardy." " Who said so?" " Him." "Oh..." "Well, you can do as you please, but you're going to the mountains with me!" "Now, wait a minute!" "You listen to this." "I want this understood once and for all!" "I'm not going to the convention, I'm going to the mountains." "That's just what I said: that you're not going to the mountains, that you're going to the..." "that you're going to the mountains!" " Why don't you compromise?" " What do you mean, "compromise"?" " He means..." " Shut up!" "If you think you're gallivanting off with a lot of hoodlums, to any convention whenever you want to..." "Not for a minute, you're not!" "Here I am, slaving day after day, washing and ironing 'til my fingers bleed." " Do you appreciate it?" "Do you?" " Well, you don't..." "Oh, shut up!" "Don't talk back to me!" "Just because I'm an unselfish, what does it get me?" "Working for you and your interests!" "I've planned a vacation for you in the mountains, at a nice resort where they play bridge and have lectures on art." "I fight crowds in department stores, dying of the heat, killing myself trying to get a nice mountain outfit together!" "Why?" "Why?" "!" " Why?" " You keep out of this!" "I'll tell you why." "So you won't be ashamed of me." "And do you appreciate it?" "Do you?" "Ha, ha!" "You want to run off to the convention." "Convention!" "You'll go to the convention over my dead body." "I'll put you in jail first." "And you, too!" "With the rest of the Sons of the..." "oh, the Sons of the Desert!" "(PIPE MAKES DUCK-LIKE NOISE)" "Ooohh!" "Oh..." " What do you think?" " Oh, don't pay any attention to her." "She's only clowning." "She'll snap out of it." "Ohh!" " Are you going to stand for that?" " You're darned right I won't stand for it." "I'm the boss in this house, and when I say I'm going to the convention, I'm going..." " Oh, Lottie!" " Hello, Betty." "Come on in." " I didn't have very good luck." "Here's a couple." " Thanks, Betty." " What's the matter, Lottie?" "You look worried." " I just had a run-in with my barnacle." " Stanley's in there, too." " Oh..." "And furthermore, you're making a big mistake." "What do you mean?" "If you're not careful she'll get the upper hand of you, mark my words." "The upper hand of me?" "Hm, impossible!" "Alright, have it your own way." "I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants." "I'd like to see my old woman throwing things around." "It's disgraceful." "I never heard of such goings-off... on." "If my ball and chain ever talked to me..." "If she even dared to raise her..." " Do you know what I would say?" " What?" "I'd say..." "Hello, honey." "I..." "Well, you think it over." "I'll see you in the morning." "Ooohh, ooohh..." "There, now." "There." "That's better." "I wonder what could be the matter with me." "It looks to me like a severe nervous breakdown." "You've gone all to pieces!" "And it happened so suddenly." "Probably that terrible argument we had the other night caused it all." "I wouldn't be a bit surprised." " Where's Stanley?" " He's gone out." "Where did he go?" "He didn't want me to tell you, but he's awfully worried about you and he thought you ought to have a doctor." "Why did you let him do that?" "You know I don't like doctors." "Now, now." "Don't get all upset." "I know what's good for you." "You're going to have a doctor, and you're going to do just what the doctor says." "Alright, sweetheart." "You always know what's best." "Uuhh!" "Uuhh!" "Listen, darling." "I'll get you some aspirin." "Oh, and I'll get you some more hot water." "(DOOR IS CLOSED)" "(WHISPERING) Hey." " Did you get the doctor?" " He'll be here in a few minutes." "Good." "Did you fix it with him to tell me that I have to go to Honolulu for my nerves?" " Our plan is working out great." " It sure is." "I've got it all fixed." "But why do you want to go to Honolulu?" "Don't you understand that this is only a subterfuge?" "To throw the wives off the track so that we can go to the convention." "Oh, then you're not going to the mountains?" "Of course not." "We're supposed to go there so that the wives will think that we..." "(BOTH START MOANING)" "Not you!" " Stan, did you get a doctor?" " Yes, ma'am." "The best in town." "Oh, fine." "Here, darling." "Here's your aspirin." "Now, take your feet out." "There." "Now try that." "Aaargh!" "Oh, you poor dear!" "I'll get you some cold water." " What are you doing?" " I've lost the aspirin." "Can you move over a bit?" "Move over a bit more, I can't find it." "Aargh!" "Up, out you go!" "Oh, you poor thing!" "Oh, my goodness!" " Oh, you poor darling." " Get that thing out of there!" "Come here, dear." "Sit down there." "Why..." "Aargh!" "Get me out of here!" "(OLIVER):" "Oh, my boiled little sugar bunny!" "I'm so sorry, darling." "I'm so sorry." "Ooh!" "Get that thing out of here!" "Oh, I'm so sorry, darling." " Oh, darling." "You sit down." " Alright." "I think I'd better go and get some dry clothes on." "Will you get out of my way?" "(CRASHING NOISE)" "You wax-eater!" "(OLIVER SCREAMS WITH PAIN)" "Oh..." "You're perspiring." "Maybe you have got a fever." "I do feel hot." "You'd better take my temperature." "Get that thermometer." " The what?" " Thermometer." "You'll find it on the shelf." "Oh..." "What does it say?" ""Wet and windy."" "That's a barometer!" "(DOGS BARKING)" "Why did you get a veterinarian?" "I didn't think his religion would make any difference." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "This way, Doctor." "(OLIVER STARTS MOANING)" " This is Mr Hardy." " Hello, Doctor." "Doctor, I'm so glad you're here." "My husband's been suffering terribly." "What seems to be the trouble?" "I think he's suffering from a nervous shakedown." "Oh." "O-ho..." "Aha..." "Aha..." "My, my, my..." " What is it, Doctor?" " It looks like a bad case of canis deliris." " As bad as that?" " Even worse." "It might be double canis deliris." "(OLIVER MOANS)" " If it's that bad, you should give him something." " Oh, Doctor!" "You must give him something." "Now there, darling, you be quiet." "Oh, my poor little lambkin." "He's going to be alright." "Yes, he is." "(OLIVER MOANS LOUDER) Sit up, sit up." "Open up your mouth." "There, darling." "Everything is going to be alright." " Do you think I'd better put him to bed?" " No, no." "What he really needs is a long ocean voyage with plenty of tropical air and sun." "I suggest a trip to... a trip to..." "Honolulu." "But Doctor, wouldn't the mountains do as well?" "I'm a very bad sailor and I can't stand the water." "No." "I'm sorry, Mrs Hardy." "A voyage to Honolulu is the only cure for your husband." "(OLIVER MOANS)" "I won't go to Honolulu." "If you can't go, sugar, I'lljust stay at home and suffer." "You'll do nothing of the kind." "If the doctor says you must go to Honolulu, you'll do just as the doctor says." "But I can't go to Honolulu alone." "I've got to have someone to take care of me." "Maybe Stanley will be kind enough to go with you." "Well, I never thought of that." "Will you go, Stanley?" " Where?" " To Honolulu!" " I can't go to Honolulu." " Why?" "I'm going to the convention." "What do you mean you're going to the convention?" "I forgot to tell you." "I asked Betty and she said that I could go." "That settles it." "I'm not going to Honolulu." "Oh, yes, you are." "You're going to Honolulu if you have to go alone!" "If I have to go to Honolulu alone, he's going with me!" "(AUDIENCE CHEERING)" "Hey!" "Kitty, kitty, kitty!" "Boo, boo, boo, boo!" "Hey!" "Isn't she a "Dob"?" " Texas 97!" " Texas 93!" " (MAN IN FEZ 1):" "New York 43!" " (MAN IN FEZ 2):" "Washington 27!" "Texas 97!" "Hey!" "Oh, no, no, no..." "That's still going to go on the floor." " Well, well, well..." "California, eh?" " 19." "Hey, I bet you don't grow flowers there that smell like this." "That's a "Dob", isn't it, boy?" "Can you take it?" "Say, boys, come on!" "Come over to my table and have a drink." "Oh boy, oh boy!" "Right, sit down." "Sit down!" "Hey, waiter!" "A bottle of champagne!" "Oh, boy!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "Have a cigarette." "Have a cigarette." "You guys are killing me!" "Great gag, huh?" "Great gag." "?" "Down on a South Sea island" "?" "Underneath the beauty of the stars" "?" "I strayed upon some maidens who were strumming on their guitars" "?" "A hula maid was dancing and I knew I'd found my paradise" "?" "So this is what I told her as I gazed into her eyes" "?" "Honolulu Baby where did you get those eyes" "?" "And the dark complexion I just idolise?" "?" "Honolulu baby where did you get that style" "?" "And those pretty red lips and that sunny smile?" "?" "When you start to dance your hula hooping dance" "?" "Then you shake it up and down" "?" "You shake a little here you shake a little there" "?" "When you've got the boys going to town" "?" "Honolulu Baby you know your stuff" "?" "Honolulu Baby gonna call your bluff" "?" "Di, di, di..." "You see?" "We're killing two birds with one stone." "We're seeing as much here as we could've seen in Honolulu." "Hey, what's the laugh?" "I don't get it." "Shall we tell him?" "Our wives think that we're in Honolulu for my health." "You're pulling a fast one, huh?" "(CHARLEY):" "Oh, boy!" "What did I tell you?" "We've been to the convention, had a swell time, we're going home in the morning and nobody's any the wiser." "By the way, what part of California are you fellows from?" "Los Angeles." "Los Angeles?" "What a small world, what a small world!" "I've got a sister who lives out there." "No kidding." "I haven't laid eyes on her since I got out of reform school!" "I've got a great idea for a gag." "Know what I'll do?" "I'm going to call her up long-distance and disguise my voice so she won't know who it is!" "Oh, that's a "Dob"!" "Hey, waiter!" "Another bottle of bubble water." "I'll be right back!" "(THE PHONE RINGS)" "Hello?" "Hello?" " Here's your long-distance call." " Oh, swell!" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hello?" "(IN A GROWLING VOICE) I'll bet you can't guess who this is!" "Alright, who is it?" "It's your little brother Charlie." "Well, for goodness' sake!" "It's my brother Charlie." "Where are you?" "I'm in Chicago." "They're throwing a convention for me." "Well, fancy hearing from you after all these years." "I haven't seen you since you sang in the choir." "And you used to pump the organ, remember?" "You little organ pumper, you!" "Listen, I want you to talk to a fellow from Los Angeles." "A swell guy." "Wait a minute." "Here, go ahead." "Hello?" "So this is Charlie's sweet little sister." "I feeljust like I know you." "Charlie tells me you're from Los Angeles." "What part?" "All of me!" "What did she say?" "She asked me if I was from Los Angeles and I said, "Yes"." "Then she said, "What part?" and I said, "All of me!"" "Wasn't that a "Dob"?" "You little jokester." "When you get back to town, drop in and see me." "I'd just love to have you meet my husband." "I sure will!" "What's the address?" "Write this down." "2-2-2-2 Fairview Avenue." "2-2..." "Eh..." "Goodbye, sugar." " What did you hang up for?" " We had a bad connection." " But isn't she a swell gal?" " She sure is." " Uh-oh." " What's the matter, Lottie?" "If I didn't know that Oliver was in Honolulu, I'd swear that was him on the phone." "They're in Honolulu, alright." "But Stanley wouldn't dare lie to me." "I'd hate to think what would happen if he ever did." "Let these fellows have a chance." "Come on!" " Good evening." " Good evening." " Jack, how are you?" " Glad to see you." " Am I glad to see you!" " Aahh!" "Do you know that's my wife?" "Texas 97!" "New York 43!" "New York 47!" "(NEWSPAPER VENDOR):" "Extra paper!" "Get your evening paper!" "Honolulu liner sinking!" "Extra!" "Lottie, Lottie!" "Look!" "I just read it." "What are we going to do?" "I'll telephone the steamship company and ask if they've got a list of survivors." "No!" "No, we go down there." "Go on, get your hat!" "Alright, I'll meet you outside." "(MAN AT COUNTER):" "Quiet, please!" "Mr Ruthbert has a radiogram he wishes to read." "(MAN ON COUNTER):" "This is the latest wireless report." ""Honolulu Steamship Company, Los Angeles."" ""The survivors of the ill-fated liner have been transferred to the rescue ship."" ""A list of the casualties will be made known as soon as a complete check-up is made."" ""Expect to arrive in port in 36 hours." Signed, Captain John Zilo." "Oh, Betty." "I do hope the boys are safe." "The suspense is just killing me!" "Have courage, Lottie." "Let's not think of the worst." "Well, I try not to, but..." "I'm so worried about Oliver." "You know how unselfish he always was." "He wouldn't leave that ship until everybody was saved." "Well, if they're safe, Oliver certainly deserves a medal." " You know, Stanley can't swim a stroke." " Oh, I never thought of that!" "Here you are, old man." "Just keep the change." "(CAR DRIVES OFF)" "(STANLEY RINGS DOORBELL) (OLIVER): ?" "Honolulu Baby" "?" "Where did you get those eyes" "?" "And your dark complexion that I idolise?" "?" "Honolulu Baby where did you get those eyes" "?" "And your dark complexion that I idolise?" "?" "Honolulu Baby where did you get those eyes" "(STANLEY KNOCKS ON DOOR) ?" "and your dark complexion that I idolise?" "Maybe they're in Betty's house." "(STANLEY RINGS DOORBELL) (OLIVER): ?" "Honolulu Baby" "?" "Where did you get those eyes" "?" "And your dark complexion that I idolise?" "?" "Honolulu Baby where did you get those eyes" "?" "And your dark complexion that I idolise?" "?" "Honolulu Baby..." "Aloha!" "Baby's here!" "Aloha!" "Baby's here!" "Aloha!" "Get that thing out of the way!" "Aloha!" "(OLIVER):" "Aloha!" "Baby's home, sugar!" "Get out of my way!" "Aahh!" " I wonder where she is." " Maybe she went out." "I know she went out, but what I'd like to know is where did she go!" " Maybe she went to the mountains with Betty." " That's probably just where she is." "She makes me sick!" "She knew we were coming today." "Why did she go to the mountains?" "Well, if she didn't go to the mountains, Mohammed would have to come here." "What has Mohammed got to do with my wife?" "(STANLEY READING): "Notes from the clubs"." " Ooohh!" " What's the matter?" ""Honolulu liner sinking." "Foundering in typhoon."" ""Passengers and crew on SS Muana in panic as wireless fails."" ""Sister ship Leuana reaches scene of disaster in 90 mile gale."" ""Rescue ship due back in Los Angeles harbour tomorrow."" " Oh..." " Oh!" "Can you beat that?" "I'm sure glad we didn't go." "If we had..." "Ooohh!" "What are we going to do?" "We've got to get out of here." "We'll spend the night in a hotel." "Put that paper down and let's go!" "Get that!" "Pick that up so they won't know that we've been here." " (LOTTIE):" "Betty, let me..." " (BETTY):" "No, I'll pay." "Take everything!" "(OLIVER):" "Aaahhh!" "We'll hide." "No, not there!" "Get up!" " Come on, get..." " Ooohh!" "Oh!" "Get..." " Betty, did you hear that?" " I certainly did." "There's no one in there." "Betty, I could have sworn I heard that door close." "It's probably our imagination." "We're both so nervous and upset." "Oh, Betty!" "Do you really think that they're safe?" "Don't worry, dear." "Let's think for the best." "Oh..." "Alright." "Ooh!" "I have the strangest feeling." "I..." "I feel as if they were hovering right over me!" "Don't talk that way!" "You give me the jitters!" "I'm just going all to pieces!" " If you're going to act that way, I'm going." " Don't leave me, Betty!" "Don't leave me here!" "We've got to face this situation with determination." "(LOTTIE):" "I know, I'm doing the best I can." " Do you think they saw us?" " Of course not!" "If they had, they'd be up here." "To catch a Hardy they have to get up very early in the morning." " What time?" " About half past..." "What time!" "(HORN SOUNDS)" "(HORN SOUNDS) Shh!" "Be careful!" "Do you want them to hear us?" "How are we going to get to a hotel?" "Simple." "We'll go down through Betty's house." "Locked." " It looks like we're here for the night." " We can't sit up here all night." "We are not going to sit up all night." "We'll fix ourselves a nice bed and be just as comfortable as two peas in a pod." "Ooh!" "Oh..." "Give me a hand with the spring." " Shh!" " Don't shush me!" "(HORN SOUNDS)" " Shh!" " Shh!" "(HORN SOUNDS)" "Hold this while I get some rope." "Don't sit there looking at me." "Do something to help me!" "Get me some rope." " What are you going to do with it?" " None of your business." "Do as I tell you!" " Shh!" " It serves you right!" "(SOUND OF RACING CARS)" "No, Betty." "Now I wish I'd let him go to the convention." "He could be having such a good time instead of being in that awful shipwreck." "It's all my fault!" "Don't worry, Lottie." "Maybe they're not as bad off as we think." "Oh, Betty." "If I could only see him once more." "I can't believe it!" "Just wait 'til you get back home, you inflated tadpole." " Sit down!" " Shut up!" " Lottie!" " So Stan wouldn't dare lie to you?" "(BETTY):" "Don't you worry about it." "(THUNDER)" " Can you imagine them going to that convention?" " I don't mind that so much." "It's the idea of them making a sucker out of me." "That's what burns me up." " Sit down, Lottie." "You make me nervous." " Oh, shut up!" "Stanley wouldn't dare lie to you..." "Ha, ha, ha!" "It's the first time he ever did, and if it wasn't for your husband's bad influence this wouldn't have happened." "Oh, is that so?" "Are you trying to infer that my husband alone was the cause of this?" " I certainly am." " That wax-eater of yours is no different." "He had just as much to do with it as my Oliver did." "I admit that he lied, but there is one thing that I do know." "When he gets back home and I ask him, he'll confess and tell me everything." " Ha, ha, ha." " That's more than that blimp of yours will do." "Just wait 'til I get back home and I'll show youwho the truthful one is." " I'll show you that my Oliver is upright." " Oh, skip it." "There you are." "Fit for a king!" "We'll have a good night's sleep, go down in the morning, tell them about the shipwreck, and nobody will be any the wiser." " I've got to hand it to you." " For what?" "For the meticulous care with which you have executed your finely formulated machinations in extricating us from this devastating dilemma." "Then, on the other hand..." " Get in bed." " Huh?" ""Meticulous"... (THUNDER)" "Now hold it for me." " Now, isn't this nice?" " It sure is." "We're just like two peas in a pot." "Not "pot". "Pod"." "Po-d!" "Po-d." "Good night, I'll run along." "If they come here first, give me a call." "I'm dyingto hear Oliver's story." "(STANLEY AND OLIVER SCREAM)" " Oh, Betty!" "What was that?" " I'll find out." "(LOTTIE):" "Wait!" "They are probably asleep and didn't hear it." "We sure were lucky." "Oh, Betty!" "Do be careful." "It might be a burglar." "Don't worry about me." "I've got my gun and I've never missed yet." " Ohh!" " Quick!" "Let's get on the roof!" "Come on!" "There's something very strange going on." " I'll call the police." " That's a fine idea." " Now what are we going to do?" " What do you think?" "I'm not going to sit here all night and catch pneumonia." "We'll ride down the drainpipe, put our clothes on in the garage and go to a hotel." "You can do what you like, but I'm going home." " What are you going to tell Betty?" " I'll tell her everything." " So, you're turning yellow." " Huh?" "You're yellow." " It must be the lightning." " You little double-crosser!" "If you go downstairs and spill the beans," "I'll tell Betty that I caught you smoking a cigarette." "Alright, go ahead and tell her." "What do you think...?" " Would you tell her that?" " I certainly would." " Would you?" " I would." "You know what we'll do?" "We'll climb down the garage and change our clothes in the drainpipe." "Then we'll go to a hotel and we'll be just as comfortable as two peas in a po-d." "Go on." "Get down." "Go on." "You'll have me catching ammonia..." "pneumonia!" "Spread your legs!" " Why did you tell me to spread my legs?" " I didn't want you to get your feet wet." "Help me get out of here!" "Don't tell him anything." " (POLICE OFFICER):" "What's going on here?" " Nothing, Officer." " Where do you live?" " I'd rather not say." " So you don't want to talk?" " Well, it's just..." " Where do you live?" " Huh?" " Where do you live?" " Next door to him." " Where does he live?" " In there." "Quit your kidding!" "Where does he live?" "I'm not kidding!" "If you don't believe me, go in and ask them." "Such a good idea!" "Come on!" "(STANLEY IS CRYING) Come on!" "Get going!" "Hurry up!" " (POLICE OFFICER):" "Is this the house?" " Yes, sir." "(POLICE OFFICER RINGS DOORBELL)" "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into." "What do we tell them?" " You think up your story, I've got mine." " I can't think of any." "Hey, here they are now!" "Where's that gun?" "Wait a minute, calm yourself!" "Let's hear their story first." "Don't forget, you and I have a little argument to settle." "After that, you can do as you please." "Alright, I'll show you." "(STANLEY AND OLIVER MOAN)" "(OLIVER):" "Thank you, Officer." "Oh, Oliver!" "What's happened, where are your clothes?" " Wait 'til I get my second wind." " (BETTY):" "Stanley, whatever happened?" "You tell your story, Ollie." "On our way back from Honolulu we were in a terrible shipwreck." "You see." "If you'd let me go to the convention," "I wouldn't have gone through this horrible experience." "Oh, tell us all about it, please!" "Alright, alright." "We were sailing along in clear weather when all of a sudden a terrible storm came up." " Didn't it, Stanley?" " Yeah, and then we floundered in a typhoid." "Not "typhoid"." "He means "typhoon", sugar." "The ship started to sink and we both dived overboard." " Didn't we, Stanley?" " Just as the boat went down for the third time." " And here we are." " Aren't you glad we got back home safe?" "Well, what's new, sugar?" "Well, the rescue ship with the survivors doesn't get in until tomorrow." " The rescue..." " Oh." " It must have got there after we left." " Yes, it must have got there after we left." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "Well, how did you get here?" " Why..." "Err..." " Oh, we ship-hiked." "That's right, we..." "We ship-hiked." " Ship-hiked?" " Yes, we thumbed our way." "What do you mean, thumbed your way?" "Well..." "Stan and I would be swimming along, we'd see a boat coming our way, we'd go like that, and they'd pick us up." " Wouldn't they?" " Yeah." " That is, if they were going our way." " Certainly." "You see, Betty?" "He's no different from the rest!" "They're both like two peas in a pod." " Po-d." " Shut up!" " Have you anything else to say?" " Why, no." "That's all there is." "There isn't any more." "Is there, Stanley?" "No, that's our story and we're stuck with it... in it." " Oliver." " What, sugar?" "Oliver, I want you to be big." "Bigger than you've ever been before." "Are you telling me the truth?" "What do you mean, am I telling you the truth?" "Do you think a story like that could come from my mind if it wasn't the truth?" "It's ridiculous!" " It's absurd!" " It's the silliest thing I've ever heard." "Well, it certainly is." "It's too far-fetched not to be the truth." " Isn't it, Stanley?" " It's imposterous." " Stanley?" " What?" "Stanley?" "Honest confession is good for the soul." "Is Oliver telling the truth?" "Go ahead and tell her." "Is he?" "No!" "We went to the convention." "We didn't go to Honolulu at all!" "He told me to tell you we were sinking in that shipwreck." "We were up on the roof." "We slept in the attic." "Come on, Stanley." "(STANLEY WHIMPERS)" "Come on, Stanley." "(STANLEY BLOWS IN GLASS)" "How about you and me going to the mountains?" "You're not moving out tonight are you, sugar?" "Why don't you wait 'til tomorrow morning so that we can talk it over?" "See, Stanley?" "Honesty is the best policy." "(SOUND OF CRASHING PLATES)" "(OLIVER SHOUTING)" "Help, help, help!" "(LOTTIE):" "I'll show you, you Son of the Desert." "Go to a convention, will you?" "Ha, ha!" "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Come in." " What did she say?" " Never mind what she said." "What did Betty say?" "Betty said that honesty was the best politics." "Look." "(STANLEY COUGHS)" "?" "Honolulu Baby won't you close those eyes..." "Subtitles produced by SDI Media UK"