"# We don't need no education" "Yes, you do." "You've just used a double negative." " Notice anything?" " What?" " Guess." " Your eyes." "Something wrong with your eyes." "What?" "No." "I have a new cup." "What's wrong with my eyes?" "It's not very distinctive, is it?" "How's anyone supposed to know it's yours?" "There's a picture of me on it." " No, there isn't." " Yes, there is." " No, there isn't, Moss." " Yes, there is." "I am sick of my things going walkabout." "With this picture, everyone knows that a certain Mr Moss might be looking for his cup." "There is nothing on the cup!" "Wrangle with him and you'll find your hands full, my friend." "Wrangle with who?" "There's no one there!" " Morning." " Morning." "Did you have a nice weekend?" " It was all right, thanks." " Not you." "I did too." " Nice scarf." " I'm not wearing a scarf." "Not you, Moss!" "Notice anything new about Moss?" "Uh..." "His eyes?" " What is wrong with my eyes?" " No, he has a new cup." " It's the talk of the office." " Yes, I think I read about it in Heat." "Receptionist, third floor, Gloria whatshername." "Have you seen her baby?" "I didn't even know she was pregnant." "She was out to here." "Yeah, I thought she was stealing office equipment." "That's how I got that monitor home." "Whoo!" " Do you want to sit here?" " Thank you." " What?" " Ask me where it is." " Where what is?" " The picture." "Oh!" " Where's the picture, Moss?" " It's on the base, Roy." "OK." "Well, let's see it, then." "Sure" " I pour hot squash all over myself and we all have a good chuckle." "Everyone except muggins here who will show you in a minute." " Can I ask you two a question?" " Please, Christ, yes!" "Wait, wait, one moment." "Wait." "OK, go." "How can you two live like this?" " "How can you two..."" " Don't Google the question, Moss!" " What are you talking about?" " It's so disgusting in here." "I mean, I know nobody comes down here, but it doesn't mean you have to live like animals." "For starters, you could clean that window and then you'd have a bit of light in here." " What window?" " That one, up there." " Yeah, that's not a window." " Yes, it is." "Get it clean, you'll have some light in here." "I think that we have plenty of light..." "I think that it's fine." "I mean, look at that CD tray." "Isn't that important?" "Wouldn't you like to actually put CDs in there at some point?" "Well, yes, ideally." "But I haven't the heart to move them." "I mean, how did that even happen?" "OK." "Now I'm curious." "Give us a look at the picture, then?" " What picture?" " The picture on the cup." "Right." "Behold!" "There's nothing there!" "What?" "This isn't my cup!" " What is that?" " Goat's cheese salad." "Ugh!" "Ohhh!" " You don't like goat's cheese?" " I don't like goat's anything." "I don't like goats being involved at any stage of the food production process." "Would I blow everyone's mind if I ate dessert first?" " What are you eating, anyway?" " It's a bucket of fried chicken." "And it comes in a real bucket now." "Tell me, what's behind that red door?" "Nothing." " Well, there must be something behind it." " There's nothing behind the red door, Jen." " Well, then I can just go and..." " No, Jen." "It's just a boring old storeroom!" "It's just a storeroom where we keep the... snibbits." "What's a snibbit?" "It's a kind of plange." " Oh, a plange for the computers?" " Yes, computer plange." "Well, if it's a storeroom, we can store some of this stuff..." "No again, Jen!" "Look, I know that you wanna make your mark down here, and that's really sweet, but, um... you can't just go messing around with the snibbit storeroom willy-nilly." "You can't upset the whole harmony of the place." "Harmony?" "What harmony?" "I know that the place looks like a bit of a mess, but it's actually a very delicate ecosystem." "Ecosystem." "Everything is connected." "Connected." " It's like the rainforest." " Like the rainforest." "You change one thing, even the tiniest bit, and the whole rainforest dies." "You don't want the rainforest to die, do you?" "No." "I really don't want the rainforest to die." "Well, that's what will happen if you open the red door." "Hello, IT." "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" "OK." "Well, are you sure that it's plugged in?" "OK." "Well, I'll be up in a minute." " What was that about?" " Just a girl on four." "Oh, a job." "Are you gonna go?" "Yeah, in a while." "It can wait." "Why can it wait?" "She probably needs to get on." "She needs a computer." "Yeah, well, I am reading a comic." "I knew it." "Every time I used to phone IT in my last job, it took a good couple of hours before someone got to me." "That is how we do it." "You can't go up straightaway or they'll all expect it." " You're killing the rainforest!" " Stop saying that." "It's more than that." "Me and this girl, I asked her out once, she said no, it all got a little bit embarrassing, and ever since then whenever I go up she treats me like I'm some sort of sexually frustrated cretin." " Get up there now, please." " You are not the head of this department." "No, I'm relationship manager." "I'm the one who gets the complaints." "I'm the one who gets in trouble." "I'm the one whose name is on the line." "Oh, God!" "All right, I will go up just to shut you up." "For God's sake." "Someone under here." "Yes!" "Hello." "Hello?" "Um..." "Did you get it fixed?" "Oh." "Yeah." "Well, I left him to it." "Yeah, I like it when they just go." "Oh!" " Oh, dear me." " What are you laughing at?" "This flipping circuit board, Jen." "Some chump has run the data lines right through the power supply." "Amateur hour!" "I've got tears in my eyes." "Roy's stuck under a desk." "Stuck under a desk?" "Yes." "It is an unusual text, isn't it?" "It's not just me?" "No." "It's unusual." " I'd best investigate." " Yes." "You investigate." "I'll hold the fort." " Listen, I'm really sorry about your hand." " Oh, don't worry about it." " I must've cut it when I swooned." " I startled you." "I didn't know there was anyone else was down here." "I thought it was just the three of us." "Well, I often work nights, so perhaps that's why you haven't seen me." " Gosh, it's very cold in here, isn't it?" " Hm." "Air conditioning." " Keeps these things cool." " Yes, what are they?" "I've no idea." " They put me in charge of them." " Moss and Roy." "I don't know their names." "I mean, I don't know what any of this stuff even does." "What's going on there?" "I don't know." "Is it good that it's doing that?" "Occasionally it doesn't do that, and I think I should tell them but... often I just look away." "And this one." "Flash." "Flash." "Flash." "Then wait for it, nothing for a while, here it comes..." "Double flash." " Brilliant." " Wow!" "It's obvious you're going mad." "So let me get this straight." "You stay down here all the time?" "I pop out occasionally when I have to get supplies." "And you don't know why you're here or what you do?" "Correct." "So this is your job?" "This is what you want for a career?" "No." "You don't understand." "I'm not here because I want to be here." "This is..." "This is my punishment." "You see, I used to be Denholm's second-in-command." "Do I amaze you?" "So how did you end up down here?" "That's a question I've been asking myself for four long years." "Oh, I couldn't help noticing that you're bleeding." " Yes." "No, it's fine." "It's just a little nick..." " Just let me..." "Please, I can help." "I can..." "Oh, my..." "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "Please..." "Excuse me." "What are you do...?" "Agh!" "Oh, get off me!" "Get off..." " Thank you." " That should clear up nicely." "Yes, there was a time when things were very different." "I was one of Reynholm Industries' top guys." "You should've seen me." "I was magical." "Here's me saying some pretty important stuff to a group of people circled around me." "In the boardroom I was a wizard, a punchy character." "Here's me with a graph." "Things were moving fast, so fast." "My career was advancing by leaps and bounds." "Denholm saw great things for me." "They were crazy, heady days." "It seemed like those days would last forever." "But it all changed" "Wow!" "So, what happened?" " Hm." "Well, it's quite a long story, actually." " Really?" "Don't worry about it, then." "Oh, my good gracious me!" "Look at that!" "Whoa." "Quick." " What is it?" " I can't explain it." "You're just going to have to come over here and look out this window for a while." "Look, whatever it is, we're not interested." "Well, I have to say you're missing out." "Fine." "Jiminy..." "Jones!" "Look." "The nature of the thing that is happening has changed slightly, rendering it yet more interesting." "Someday I will tell my kids about this." "You can't even tell us." "How are you gonna tell your children?" "Well, you have no interest in the world." " Are you sure it's OK to come out?" " Yeah." "Don't you worry about those two." "Now, listen, Richmond." "I've always wanted to know, yeah?" "Why do you never see any cockney Goths?" "They're too cheerful." "They spoil it for the rest of us." "And how come you never see Goths driving cars?" "Oh, we drive cars." "We're just like you, really." "Except that we listen to Cradle of Filth." " Cradle of Filth?" "I presume that's a band." " Mm." " It's not literally a cradle of filth?" " Oh, no." "That would be horrible." "Cradle of Filth are actually one of the best contemporary dark-wave bands in the world." "I'll never forget the first time I heard them." "It changed my life." "Blew my mind" "It was lucky I discovered them when I did, because it was around that time that things started to go wrong for me at work." "I don't know what happened, but suddenly people just weren't returning my calls." "In my strategy meetings people seemed distracted, distant." "I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was wrong." "I'll tell you, it was good to have the Filth to come home to after another disappointing day." "You've got to help Roy!" "Richmond's out of his room." "He's not in his room." "He's supposed to be in his room." "Why is he out of his room?" "Well, he's gonna come out and play with us for a while." "But the rainforest and..." "What's wrong with you, Moss?" " Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk." " What, still?" "Look, I know that normally this would be very funny, but he's been there too long for a reasonable explanation." " That woman will assume he's a desk rabbit." " What's a desk rabbit?" "I just made that up." "But that's probably going to be what they start to call people like Roy." "But Roy's not a desk rabbit, he's my best friend, and unless you do something it's just gonna be you, me and Tim Burton over there." "What can I possibly do?" "Look, she could look under there any minute." "It could already be too late." " But I don't know what to do." " You're relationship manager." "All right, all right!" "Just to shut you up." "Hello, Richmond." "How are things?" "Oh, you know..." "Not brilliant." "He's supposed to be in his room." "Oooh..." "There's a builder outside taking off his shirt." " Like in ads?" " Yeah, like in ads." " Everything all right downstairs?" " Fine." "I left Moss and Richmond in charge." "Good." "Moss should..." "Richmond?" "!" "He's not out of his room, is he?" "!" "Yeah." "What did I say about the red door?" "I said don't open the red door!" "What have you got against him?" " I just don't like him." " God, you're just like the rest of them, the people that turned their backs on him as soon as he became a Goth." "He obviously hasn't told you about the funeral." "Hmm." "I think that you should ask him about the funeral." " Hello, Denholm." " Hi, Jen." "I'm just enjoying this cup of tea." "Brilliant!" " How are you doing, Jen?" " Yeah." "Just to say, um..." "I met Richmond." "I see." "It's not for me to say, Denholm, but... it sounds like you two had a good relationship at one point." " You should speak to him." " I'll thank you to keep out of this, Jen." " Goths are people too." " Enough!" "There's absolutely no point to anything." "You're right." "No point." "It's all futile." "Can't even find my cup." " You try to look on the bright side." " Hah!" "The bright side." "Sometimes you just think, "What would actually change if I just killed myself?"" "You're right." "I could just kill myself." "And it'd be so easy, wouldn't it?" "So very, very easy." " Richmond!" " Huh!" "Get back to your room!" "What's the point of sending him back?" "What's the point of anything?" " Quick!" "The brush." " But she said I could come out." "You can't come out." "You're bringing everyone down." " No, I'm not." " Yes, he is." " Come on!" " Thank you." "OK, then tell her why they sent you down here." "Tell her what you did." "I didn't do anything." "I don't know why I'm down here." "So Denholm just demoted you for nothing, did he?" "No, he changed after his father died." "I don't think he ever fully recovered." "From the moment I saw him at the funeral I could tell there was something different." "Bloody good of you to come." "Thanks." "Thanks." "Bloody good service, wasn't it?" "Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Watch your bloody hand." "I'm so sorry." "Here." "It's Cradle of Filth." "They got me through some pretty bleak times." "Try track four - "Coffin Fodder"." "It sounds horrible but it's actually quite beautiful." "Relationship manager." "Yes." "Yes, of course." "First thing tomorrow." "That was Denholm." "He wants to see you." "What is it?" "!" " I can't believe you want me back." " You've got Jen to thank for that." "Her words the other day moved me deeply." "Very deeply indeed." " Really?" "What did she say?" " I can't remember." "The point is, it's the effect of her words that's important." "I now know that treating someone differently just because of their skin colour is wrong." "I don't see why things can't get back to the way they were." "I just don't know what to say." " You're back with the big guys, Richmond." " Great." "That's if you're prepared to take me on again." "You know how demanding I am." "Stop it." " You know how changeable I can be." " Yes, Mr Reynholm." " Call me Denholm." " Oh, right." "Thanks, Denholm." "No, no." "I don't like that." "Don't do it again." "Right." "Sorry." "I've changed my mind about the whole thing." " What?" "You mean I have to stay down here?" " Yes!" "And leave me alone, you goblin!" "Oh, well." "I suppose it's not quite so bad now that I don't have to stay in that room." "Yes, yes." "Well, we're happy to have you." "Oh." "Oh!" "My milky lens has popped out!" "Don't step on it." "You've got to help me find it." "Oh." "Actually, I think it's just popped round the back." "It does that sometimes." "Come on." "Come on, little fellow." "Go on." "Go on." "It's almost there." " How about that, then?" " Wow!" "That looks great." "I told you it was a window." "Bloody lens." "Agh!" "Urgh!" "It's a bit bright in here." "No, it's fine." "It's just that it's..." "Oh!" "Ugh!" "I really ought to..." "Actually, I'm gonna..." "Ugh!" "Thank God." "At least everything is back to normal." "As long as no one goes through that door." "Doreen Trenerry"