"# You must remember this" "# A kiss is still a kiss" "# A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "# As time goes by #" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "What's the matter?" "Are you all right?" "I shall never play the violin again, that's for sure." "You shouldn't have carried so much." "We shouldn't have sent so much!" ""A few things to be dry cleaned for the charity shop," you said." "I'm not only in pain, I'm bankrupt as well." " Is that all?" " Look, I'm entitled to a little moan." "No, I mean is that all the dry cleaning?" "There's one more load." "Have I got some gloves somewhere?" "You do make a fuss." "I'll go." "Don't try to carry it all at once!" "(Sighs)" "(Jean moaning)" "Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" " Making a bit of a fuss, aren't you?" " Ow." "If my hands didn't hurt so much, I'd punch you." "I don't know about Help The Aged, I feel like the aged." "Nonsense." "You're a young stag." "Hmm..." "Is it me or is it draughty in here?" "It's you." "No, it isn't." "I've left the door open." "You're meant to say, "I'll get it, dear"." "I'm not sure I could grasp the door-handle with hands like these." "You used to be an officer and a gentleman." "I lied." "I was actually only ever a lance corporal." " Good gracious!" " What?" " The Duncans are moving." " Who are the Duncans?" " The people who live next door!" " Oh, yes." " There's a For Sale sign up." " That is the normal practice." " They only moved in a few weeks ago." " Yes, they did." "Why would they want to move so soon?" "Perhaps they don't like their neighbours." "I don't know, do I?" "I'm not going to ask." "Nor am I. They're either in each other's arms or at each other's throats." "If you found them rolling on the ground, you mightn't know which." " Oh dear." " What?" "I've just realised what this means." "Weeks and weeks of "I wonder what the next neighbours will be like?"" "I shouldn't worry about it if I were you." " Come on." " Where?" "We've got to get this stuff down to the charity shop." " In the car?" " Of course in the car." "We're not going to take it in a wheelbarrow." "Why did we take it out of the car and bring it all in here in the first place?" " Are you ready?" " I suppose so." " Ow!" "Ow!" "Ow!" " Oh!" "Oh!" "Oh!" " (Jean) Open the door!" " (Lionel) I can't open the door!" "There you are." "What are you doing?" " Working." " It's Saturday." "I'm not breaking any local bylaw, am I?" "Look, why don't you just ring Harry?" "Why doesn't Harry ring me?" "The last time he came round, you told him to go away." "I know." "And he did!" "Now you understand that and I understand that." "But men will take things literally sometimes." "Maybe that's what Harry did." "Or maybe he had a rugby match to go to." " (Doorbell)" " If that should be Harry, tell him that..." "If it's Harry, I'm not gonna tell him anything." "If I were you, I would just sprawl provocatively on the sofa." "That's game playing." "Of course it is." "I don't call that very provocative." "Why should Sandy want to look provocative for me?" "Not that I mind." "I don't know why you put up with him sometimes." " Let me list a few hundred reasons." " Please don't." " You're very early." "I'm not ready yet." " That's the thing of it." " Could we take a rain check on lunch?" " Why?" "Because I just had a call from an old friend who's only in town for the day." " Go on." " Carefully, if I were you." "Not that kind of old friend." "This is a guy I knew at university." "Leo Villiers, known as Nutcase." "Has he just been released from somewhere?" "Judy, please!" "This guy was an icon!" ""Been there, done that, got the t-shirt."" "He was the first!" "I used to worship old Nutcase." "But he always made me feel so..." "ordinary." " I'd like to meet him." " That's an idea!" "Come for lunch with us!" "It was just a figure of speech." "Sandy could come as well, bring Har..." "Harry." "Old Nutcase would turn it into a rave!" "Harry and I aren't exactly raving at present." "Oh, no, right." "Sorry." "I mean, does that guy want his eyes testing, or what?" "You'll be going now, then?" "Hmm?" "Oh, right." "Goodbye, beautiful." "Beautiful square, that is." "You know, I almost wish I had gone now." "(Sandy) You'd be bored out of your skull." "They'll be straight down memory lane." "Pubs they were thrown out of, women they chased, women they caught, tutorials they missed, whose pants they flew from the flagpole." "Yeah, I know all that." "No, I'd just like to meet the man that can make Alistair feel ordinary." " Will you shout how many?" " How many what?" " How many for lunch." " Oh, all right." " (Shouting) How many for lunch?" " Why is he shouting?" " He's just being funny." " Right." "It's just you two actually." "I'm taking Sandy out for lunch." " Have a chat, run down men, cheer her up a bit." "(Jean) Good idea." "Men don't have lunches to run down women." "We don't." " Ready." " Right." " I'll see you later." " Bye." " We don't." " Well, don't go on about it." "I sometimes feel outnumbered in this house." "Oh, poor old thing." " it's a shame about Harry and Sandy." " I blame Sandy." ""Tell him I don't want to see him." Two minutes later she's asking why he went!" " But she was bluffing." " I've worked that out." "And it's her fault that Harry called her bluff." "To a point, yes." "He had a right to keep her guessing for a bit, but then he should have come round again." " As another bluff?" " No!" "I give up." "We didn't carry on like that in our day, did we?" "No, but then we didn't have enough days." " You mean, if you had had?" " And we were in love." "I prefer that answer." " Are Sandy and Harry in love?" " I don't know." "They're very fond of each other." " Where are you going?" " To phone." "Oh." "Put that book down." "What do you mean?" "I know who you're phoning." "Harry." "That's why you sneaked in here." "I didn't sneak anywhere." "I came in to look his phone number up." "You shouldn't phone him." "You don't even know what I'm going to say." "You're not just going to pass the time of day." "They're just two young people who've fallen out and got on their high horses." " You're going to make them dismount?" " Something like that, yes." " It's nothing too arch, is it?" " It isn't arch at all." "I'm simply asking him to come round so that they can sort it out." "I see." "Hello, Harry?" "It's Jean." "Yes, I'm very well, thank you." "Harry, I'll come straight to the point." "Sandy wants to see you." "Yes, could you come round?" "Oh, any time." "Yes, yes, an hour - that would be fine." "All right, I'll see you then." "Why are you looking like that?" " "Sandy wants to see you," you said." " She does, deep down." "You made it sound like a personal invitation!" " That's just an interpretation." " It's not, it's the truth." "It'll be OK once they're together." "You're doing it again." "You're flying in the face of reason." "What's Sandy going to say when Harry says "Why did you want to see me?" " Ah..." " Yes, "ah"." "I'll tell Harry it was my idea and let them sort it out." "And then if Sandy throws a wobbly, you can go up to her room and get her out." "Oh no, if I try that, she'll say she's not dressed." "She'd probably be bluffing." "Do you want me to be the one who finds out?" "I'll go up and drag her out." "That's that settled." "That's what Chamberlain said when he came back from Munich." " Just a minute!" " Now what?" ""Come round in an hour," you said." " It will." " In case you've forgotten," " Sandy's just gone out." " I know that." "It will give us a chance to have a little chat to Harry before she gets back." "Let's go and have lunch." "Suddenly I'm not very hungry." "(Doorbell)" " I'm not lecturing him." " I'm not asking you to lecture him." "I'm asking you to get him concentrated on Sandy and not sport." "Ready?" "Hello, Harry." "Come in." " Hello, thanks." " Hello." "Hello." "You said that Sandy wanted..." " She does, she does." " Cup of tea, Harry?" " No, thanks." " Or coffee?" "Won't take long to make." "Lionel!" "Harry, do go in." " Do sit down." " Thank you." "How's the police force?" "I can't speak for all of it, but my bit's all right." "Good." "Sure you wouldn't like a cup of something?" "Lionel, sit down." "Harry's come to chat." " Where is Sandy?" " She's out to lunch." " But you said she wanted to see me." " She does." "Then why has she gone out?" "Because she didn't know you would be here." " You might as well come clean." " I'm coming clean!" "Harry, Sandy doesn't know that I phoned you." "But I know she really wants to see you," " so I, well, sort of..." " Stitched me up." "No!" "Please don't go." "You're here now and I know she won't walk away." "I mean, before, when she asked you to go away," " she didn't want you to go away." " Why say it then?" " That's what I said." " Because..." "Never mind." "Please, stay." "It was the trip to Jersey that did it." "Sandy thought it was a little break for the two of you, not a rugby tour." " She comes to watch me play." " Because she likes you." "Not because she likes standing on a cold touchline for two hours." " 80 minutes." " 80 minutes then!" "Sandy's not asking me to give up rugby?" " Of course not." " It's more than just a game." "You've played rugby, haven't you, Mr Hardcastle?" "Lionel." "Yes, I did." "At school, then in the army." "Not once I got posted to Korea though." " Were you in Korea?" " Over a year." "I've got an uncle who was in Korea." " Not in the Middlesex regiment?" " No, Gloucesters." "A fine regiment." "You know, if I was asked to name just one thing that reminded me of playing rugby, it wouldn't be a particular match or the smell of embrocation and sweat." "It would be a sound." "The sound of studs clattering on the changing room floor." " Now isn't that funny?" " What?" "You too?" "Yes." "I don't suppose you ever forget that sound." "No, I don't suppose so." "Clatter, clatter," " (Both) Clatter, clatter, clatter!" " Have you finished?" " What?" " We were talking about Sandy!" "Oh, yes, sorry." " Well?" " Well what?" " Lionel?" " What?" " Oh, what's the point?" " (Door closes)" "There!" "Now we're too late because they're back." "Just don't talk about sport!" "Sandy!" "Harry's here." "(Sandy) I don't want to see..." "(Jean) Yes, you do!" "Here she is." "Ahem..." "Hello, Sandy." "Hello." "(Mouthing) Go away!" "Oh, yes." "Excuse us." "Harry called round." " Yes, I can see that." " Only because I was..." "He wanted to see you!" "So talk to him!" "Sor..." "Oh, sorry." "I didn't call round at all." "You mean you just materialised?" "No, no, no..." "Jean phoned." "She said you wanted to see me." " I said no such thing." " I know." "I do wish people would let us sort things out for ourselves." "We've not been doing a good job of it, have we?" "No." " I've missed you." " Oh, I've missed you too." "Come on!" "How's it going?" " Sir Galahad pulled me away." " They should be left to themselves." " They were!" " Without anybody listening." "Don't criticise me." "You were a lot of help." ""Clatter, clatter!"" "Harry and I just got talking about rugby." "Which we wanted to steer him away from!" " (Doorbell)" " I'll go." "Don't listen outside the door as you go past!" "Poor Lionel." "It's a world full of women, isn't it?" "If it's not me and Sandy creating problems, it's Mum trying to solve them." "Don't feel too sorry for me." "I know men who'd kill to live in this house." " Hi, guys!" " Hello, Alistair." " You were having lunch with Leo." " I did!" "The way you described him, I thought it would go on for days." "Who is Leo?" " Alistair's role model at university." " What does he do now?" " What doesn't he do!" " I shouldn't have asked." "Would you mind if we slipped away to another part of the forest to talk." "No, no, of course not." "Not the sitting room!" "Sandy and Harry are getting back together." " All they'd said was "hello"." " It's a start." "You two stay here and we'll go." "Come on, Lionel." "Where are we going to sit?" "In the bathroom?" "Now what?" "I just thought we'd go for a walk." "That's not going for a walk." "I see..." "It's just from door to door all day, is it?" "Things could be afoot." "Us." "We're supposed to be afoot." "Now will you come on!" "Marriage?" "That's right." "The big "M"." "That isn't what you're supposed to do next." "I know." "I just should have had some warning." "What was I supposed to do?" "Say, "Hey, I shall be proposing to you later today"?" "No..." "I don't know." "Why?" " What kind of a question is that?" " It's a fairly important one." "Because..." "Can we go up to your bedroom?" "This isn't the one about thinking more clearly when we're lying down, is it?" "No." "This is all wrong." "This is a kitchen." "You're making coffee." "This should be happening on a beach in Acapulco or a ski lodge in St Moritz!" "And would I still be making coffee?" "Judy, I'm serious." "Yes, I think you are." "So, this is a kitchen." "You picked the time and the spot." "Could you at least stop making coffee?" "Sorry." "As I told you before, "impulse" is my middle name." "It suddenly happened to me on the way back from lunch." "Kaboom!" "The farthest your impulses have got you before is asking me to move in with you." "I want you to know that that offer still stands should you say no to marriage." "Thank you." "But listen, Judy." "Marriage is what I want." "Marriage is what I need." "Just try saying, "Mrs Alistair Deacon."" "Mrs Alistair "lmpulse" Deacon." "This is no time for funnies, Judy!" "I know." "I just can't get over the suddenness of it all." " Hey." "Rome wasn't built in a day." " What?" "Oh, no, that's the wrong one, isn't it?" "Forget it, Judy." "Just say yes." "Listen, Li..." "What would you say to me calling you Dad from now on?" "I'd say don't!" "Pops?" "I'd say don't on pain of death." "You're going to be my father-in-law." "I have to call you something." "I am not Judy's father." "Step-pops?" "Stick with Li." "I don't like it, but I'm used to it." "Whatever you say... mate." " They've been in there for hours." " Lots to talk about." "You, I suspect." "Do I feel comfortable with that?" "I wouldn't." "We've been talking." "This is where you find out about the wedding arrangements." "No, it isn't, not the honeymoon either." "No, Judy's got an idea." " It's just a suggestion." " Right." "If you hate the idea, then you must say so." "We love it." "But if you hate it, Alistair, you must say so." "Right." "Well, the house next door is up for sale." "We could buy it and live next door to Mum and Lionel." "What do you think?" "How's Tom Brown getting on?" "He's praying for little Arthur." "You hate the idea, don't you?" "Not at all." "Tom's a very well-intentioned boy." "Don't be obtuse." "The idea of Judy living next door." "I don't hate the idea." "I just don't think it's very good." " Why not?" " Well..." " I'll get a fair hearing on this, won't I?" " Of course." "Put it this way." "If you were Judy, you'd like to live next door to you, wouldn't you?" "I'd like to live..." "Will you put that another way?" "I mean, I can see the attraction for Judy, but I can see the danger too." "What chance does a marriage stand with the wife's mother living next door?" "So I'm the wicked witch of the west, am I?" "Of course not, but you're a harbour." "That sounds very flattering." "A safe haven then." "The first spat with Alistair, all Judy has to do is walk 30 feet and she's home to Mummy." "Are you saying I'd take sides?" " Of course you would." " Alistair could confide in you." "I don't want Alistair to confide in me!" "Let them sort themselves out." "I see." "So Judy's crying on the doorstep and I say, "Go away, you can't come in."?" " Did I say that?" " No." "Oh, well." "Maybe they'll change their minds." "I think Alistair should put his foot down." "So you wouldn't want to live next to me then?" "Not if I were your son-in-law, no." "Funny having Alistair for a son-in-law." "Hilarious." "Maybe Harry too." " Sandy isn't your daughter." " No, but she is almost." " Don't you think you're rushing things?" " You never know." "I tell you what," "If Sandy and Harry got married, they could buy the house on the other side and then we could all live next door to each other." "Pity they don't have a jukebox here." "I could put the funeral march on." " Sorry, Li." " Yeah, sorry." "If I were single and young and in either of your shoes," "I'd be grinning all over my face." "It's just this living-next-door business." "The more I think about it, the more the vibes say "wrong!"" "I'm sure Sandy wants me to give up rugby." "I'd feel like I was under a microscope the whole time." "I've loved rugby since I was a kid." " Judy wouldn't understand." " I can't make Sandy understand." "The way you're carrying on, you should be sitting outside with a bottle of Tizer." "That's not a Mr Kindness thing to say, Li." "Listen to yourselves whingeing on." "Judy wants this, Sandy wants that." "What about what you want?" " Yeah!" " You're talking guy power, aren't you?" "I'm not talking about power of any kind." "I'm talking about the right to express an opinion." " We just have." " Yes, but to me!" "I'm not asking you to give up rugby, and I'm certainly not marrying you." "There's a lot of the Che Guevara in you, Li." "There is nothing of the Che Guevara in me." "Just say what you want to say to the people you ought to say it to." "Only don't say it was my idea." " What are you looking for?" " Cheese." "I can't find it." "Oh!" "Thank you." " Do you know what Alistair's just said?" " No." "He doesn't want to live next door when he and Judy get married." "Doesn't he?" "Don't sound so surprised." "You know very well." "Why would I?" "Because you said you wouldn't if you were him." "Oh, yes." "Perhaps they could buy the house two doors away." " I blame Judy." " Judy?" "What has she done?" "She let Alistair talk her round in five minutes." "You're not a great one for democracy, are you?" "It's not a question of democracy, it's common sense." "It's more important to a woman where she lives, everyone knows that." " Do they?" " Yes, ask any woman." " Why are women suddenly "everyone"?" " Don't split hairs." "Yes, I really need to stop doing that." "Look, it's for the two of them to decide and nobody else." " Erm, I've been thinking..." " Oh, what?" "Well, when Judy gets married perhaps I should move out as well." "Oh, why?" "Lionel, ask her why?" "You just did." "Because you only took me in in the first place because I was unhappy." "No, we wanted you." "You make it sound as though we found you in a basket on the doorstep." "I know you did," "And I can't tell you how much I've appreciated it." "But with Judy gone..." "I can't explain it..." "I'd feel like a lodger." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "You're another member of the family." "You're like a daughter to me." "Lionel, you think of Sandy as a daughter, don't you?" "I can't honestly say yes to that, But there's no reason to go, Sandy." "Well, maybe." "I don't know." "Let me think about it." "Oh!" " Now don't start." " No, I'm not starting." "Why should you say we want an early night?" "I'm not even tired." "I'm just being discreet, for the sake of the chil..." "You were going to say "children", weren't you?" "Young people." "Anyway, if you put your mind to it, you can finish Tom Brown's Schooldays." "I'll be honest." "I find Tom better in short bursts." "Well, you'll have plenty of space when the girls have gone." " You're starting." " No, I am not starting!" "It will just seem funny just the two of us." " Make it sound like a prison sentence." " No, I don't mean that at all - just funny." " You'd miss the girls, wouldn't you?" " Yes, I suppose so, in some ways." ""In some ways"?" "In what ways wouldn't you miss them?" "I don't have a secret list." "Oh, a list suggests quite a lot of reasons." "I just said I don't have a list." "If you had a list for not missing them, would it be bigger or smaller than the list for missing them?" " I think I'll have a bath." " It was a perfectly simple question." "Quite a long bath." "Honestly, Harry, I'm not asking you to give up rugby." " Because I couldn't, you see." " I know." " Do you like cricket?" " I'm not mad about it, why?" "Well, that's not till the summer anyway." "You know, I've been thinking." "I really appreciated you coming round yesterday." "There's nothing to appreciate." "I missed you." "Oh, but Saturdays are rugby days." "Postponed it." " The whole game?" " Nothing more to do." "You postponed a rugby game so that you could come and see me?" "No, the game was postponed." " Frozen pitch." " Oh, I see." " But I would have come round anyway." " Would you really?" "Of course I would." "As soon as the game was over." "If I'm honest I'm glad you put your foot down about us living next door." "Really?" "He's a wise old bird, Li." "What's Lionel got to do with it?" "Nothing." "Nothing at all." "It was just a general observation." "You know - if our first child is a little boy, I think we should call him Lionel." "It's a grown-up name." "You can't call a little baby Lionel." " What about Jean then?" " I don't think a baby boy would like that." "I mean if we have a baby girl." "I know." "Well, Mum would like that." "It's odd, isn't it?" "Here we are, sitting here, talking about where we're going to live and having babies." "Yesterday you put off having lunch with me," " so you could see a college friend." " And I'm glad I did, Judy, that's what really made me propose." "You don't mean it was his idea?" "What, Leo?" "Leo once described marriage as an institution to which only lunatics get committed." " No." "It was just seeing him again." " I don't follow." "Judy, the guy was a wreck." "A burnt-out shell of a man." "A husk." "So you came home and proposed to me?" "Well, don't you see?" "Leo's only a couple of years older than I am." "A guy can't go on burning the candle in the middle and at both ends forever." "If I don't do something now, I could end up like that!" "Which makes me the "something"?" "Well... yes." "What do you think I am?" "A Salvation Army hostel?" "Judy!" "You go and get yourself a nanny!" ""Of course I would have come round as soon as the game was over!"" "Can you believe that?" "He was just being a bit too honest for his own good." "His own good!" "What about my own good?" "Oh, of course." "I mean, if he doesn't find me a more attractive shape than a rugby ball, then what is the point?" "The rugby season can't go on forever, can it?" "It doesn't have to." "He's got the cricket season next." "Oh, I don't know." " (Knocking)" " Come in." "Oh!" "Where's Lionel?" "He's having a bath." "Move over." "Oh, what's the matter, love?" "Alistair's the matter!" "Do you know what he thinks a wife is for?" "To stop him turning into a burnt-out shell like his ex-hero!" " Men!" " Men!" "Oh, not you as well?" "It's not our day, is it?" " Rugby?" " What else?" " I don't know." " I don't know." "I don't know." "One of the bulbs in the bathroom is flickering." "I think..." "Oh." " Hello, Lionel." " Hello." "The girls were in need of a little tender loving care." "Yes, of course." " Where are you going?" " To have another bath." "(Theme music playing)" "# You must remember this" "# A kiss is still a kiss" "# A sigh is just a sigh" "# The fundamental things apply" "# As time goes by" "# And when two lovers woo" "# They still say I love you" "# On that you can rely" "# The world will always welcome lovers" "# As time goes by #"