"Lastly, we're runnin'low on surgical gowns." "Get three cartons." "Those gowns are as good as got, sir." " How about matching pumps?" " [Phone Rings ]" "You wanna answer that, Corporal Dior?" "House of Potter." "Uh-oh." "Yes, sir." "Yes, sir." "Just a minute, sir." "general Torgeson at Logistics and Support, sir." "Torgy Porgy." "Shows ya." "No matter how overcast a day, there's always room for one more black cloud." "Torgy!" "Long time no hear." "Sure." "What's on your mind?" "Uh-huh." "Our tent flap is always open toyou g-4 guys." "[ Chuckles ] You too, Torgy." "Best toyour latest missus." "Didn't I tell you four would beyour lucky number?" "Oh." "Well, five is a good number too." " [ Clears Throat ]" " Visitors, huh?" "You want me to sweep the dust under the dirt in the V.I.P. tent?" "I guess you better." "Torgy is sending up a Major Nathaniel Burnham... to eyeball us for a couple of days." "What's Logistics and Support nosing' around here for?" "Oh, I'm sure Torgy's just bored." "Whenever there's a lull in his paperwork, he sends someone out on a loose-thread patrol." " Then he tugs and hopes I'll unravel." " Why?" "He and I came out ofthe cavaly together... then we both went into med school." "Fouryears later I was a doctor" "[ Chuckles ] and he was just fouryears older." " [ Chuckles ] He washed out, huh?" " With bleach." "His I.Q is lower than his boot size." "But the army had enough savvy to put him in a job where he couldn't do any harm." "Made him a general, Medical Administration." "Well, as my Uncle Amos used to say, "Those who can't, manage those who can."" "One ofhis employees made that up for him." "This manager's telling you to give that talker a tickle and requisition those supplies." "Yes, boss." "How do, H.Q?" "4077, Klinger here." "We need surgical gowns." "What doyou mean, no?" "Our doctors have operations to go to and nothing to wear." "Of course this is an emergency." "In caseyou haven't heard..." "President Truman has declared this whole emergency an emergency." "Yeah, I suppose we got enough to last us for a week." "What's the holdup?" "Classified?" "So, this three-star at g-4 is sending Burnham here just to observe." "When are they gonna declare this war off-limits to sightseers?" "The colonel says there's nothing to wory about." "He gets this kind of stuff from general Torgeson all the time." " general Edwin Torgeson?" " You know Torgy Porgy?" "We're old pen pals." "His signature is on the orders that sent me to this place." "He's a MASH-maker." "Another shower for my olives." "Just a minute, Captain." "Areyou saying general Torgeson is in charge of putting new MASH units together?" "Exactly." "He's built them all from his own black-and-blueprints." "[ groans ] This is terrible." "I'm sory." "Next time I'll order a manhattan." "No, you don't understand." "H.Q has placed a temporay freeze on all medical supplies... and they're not saying why." "I said, "Sounds likeyou got enough stuffthere to start another MASH unit."" "Well, they do, and they're gonna!" " I hope not." "Too many ofthese can run down a neighborhood." " Captain, this ain't funny." "It means they're gonna split up the 4077." "They're gonna take the best people from here to form the new MASH." "Klinger, don't letyour imagination run awaywith me." "Oh, sure, what doyou care?" "You're only a doctor." "It's guys like me they're gonna grab first." "Lebanese corporals?" "I may be a mere corporal toyou, but to the army..." "I am an indispensable five-star scrounge." "And ifthat's not bad enough..." "Colonel Potter gave me a good efficiency report for this month." "What a rotten trick!" "Klinger, calm down." "This is all in your head... which doesn't put it in the best of company." "I'm glad you find my agony so amusing." "But I wouldn't last a daywith an unreasonable C.O. who treats clerks like clerks." "Do me a favor." "Keep these silly rumors toyourself." "Somebody's liable to take this seriously." "I'm tellingyou, Beeej." "This is serious." "It means they're forming a new MASH." "Since when do you put your faith in the gospel according to Max Klinger?" "I told Klinger he was wrong, because ifhe knew how right he was... he'd have this whole place in a panic." " So what do we do?" " For starters, you can give me some more soap." " You know what this means?" " Soap." "Hmm?" "Means they're gonna be tying to seed this new MASH with the best ofthe best." "That means I'll be chiefsurgeon." "Oh, ho, ho." "Wrong on two counts." "First ofall, there isn't going to be any new unit." "Secondly, even ifthere was, what makes you thinkyou'd be chiefsurgeon?" "Well, I'm chiefsurgeon here." "Hawk, sometimes you've got a head as big as all outdoors." "Did it ever occur toyou thatyou're chiefsurgeon here only becauseyou got here first?" " Maybe they put me here first because I'm the best." " [ Laughs ]" " Let me ty this one out on you." " Yeah." "Ifthey madeyou chief surgeon at the new unit, that'd make me chiefsurgeon here." "Now, wouldn't it be simpler iftheyjust made me chiefsurgeon at the new unit?" "What difference does it make who's chiefsurgeon whatwhere?" "Because I'm just as capable ofbeing chiefwhateverwherever as you are." "Eitherway, they're gonna separate us, and you're my best friend." "I never got along this well with anybody, you moron!" " Well, that goes double for me, stupid!" " So what are we gonna do?" "They're gonna take somebody from here." "And it's gonna be one of us." "Unless  ## [ Humming ]" " As long asyou have to be here... you might as well be where you can do some good." "Hey, I didn't say I was gonna do it." "Just let me dream, will ya?" "You gotta admit it's a tantalizing thought." "True." "But sitting around in a plush office... prescribing hangover remedies for generals and theirwives is a waste oftalent." "gentlemen, am I to infer from your conversation... thatyou are contemplating a change ofvenue from these trials?" "Nah." "We heard there's a major going from unit to unit... tying to find a personal surgeon for general Torgeson." " It's probablyjust a rumor." " Now thatyou mention it... there is a Major Burnham due to arrive tomorrow." "Burnham." "Is that the name we heard?" " Burnham?" "Yeah, Burnham." " Yeah, that could be it." "Did I understand you to sayyou are not going to throwyour stethoscopes into the ring?" "Nah, Charles." "I've had offers like this before." "That kind of society doctoring is not for me." "Me neither." "I couldn't live with myself." "And there are a lot of soldiers around here who couldn't live without myself." "You are both men of principle, and justifiably so." "You certainlywouldn't want to join the mob of people... who will no doubt be sucking up to Major Burnham, now would you?" "There's not exactly a mob." "It's a secret mission." "Eveybody thinks he's here on a fact-finding tour." " Nobody knows to suck up to him." " Almost nobody." "[ No Audible Dialogue ]" "Torgy Porgy?" "[ Laughs ]" " I take it, then, you do know him?" " Oh, we've" "Yes, we've met, once..." "i-in a meeting." "What, uh" " What were your impressions ofhim?" "He's vey athletic." "I mean, he loves boxing." "Boxing." "How apropos." "A fighting man who likes... fighting." "Doyou happen to remember where he's from?" " Montana, I think." " Ah, yes." "Montana." "Big Sky County." "Why areyou so interested in general Torgeson?" "I thought it would be nice to gather information about him." "His aide is coming here tomorrow." " general Torgeson is- is sending somebody here?" " Yes." "Tell me more about, uh, Montana." "Does it have a city?" "Charles, I can't talk toyou now." "I'm vey busy." "I have to prepare my duty roster." "A new MASH?" "How wonderful." "It'll relieve some ofthe terrible strain on our doctors." "Wonderful?" "Oh, Father, why do you always see the good side ofthings?" " This is awful." " Why?" "Why?" "Ifyou're gonna start up a MASH unit... the first thing you need is a commanding officer." "Wasn't Colonel Blake already here when we were assigned?" "Yes, you're right, god rest his soul." "But what makes you so certain they'll take the colonel?" "general Torgeson and the colonel go way back." "He knows how good Colonel Potter is." "And once this Burnham sees our unit running so smoothly... it's bye-bye the sweetest man who ever lived and hello who-knows-who." "Not a vey rosy prospect." "But-But it seems to me it's out of our hands." "Oh, Father, stop seeing the bad side ofthings." "We're gonna have to find a way to convince this Burnham... that Colonel Potter is the wrong man for the job." "I'd have to confess to myself, and I can be vey harsh." "Don't wory about that." "I'll take care ofthe lying." "Yourjob is to keep Colonel Potter away from Major Burnham." " Areyou asking me to be an accessoy to a fabrication?" " Yes." "I guess I can live with that." "The most important thing is not to let anyone know what's going on." "You know how rumors get blown up all out of proportion." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for Colonel Potter." "You're excused." "You've found him." " Ah." "Might I venture a guess thatyou're Major Burnham?" " Sir." " So tell me, how is Torgy?" " Orney as ever." "Oh, yeah?" "[ Chuckles ]" "You should have known him when he was still married to Edna." "And they called WW." "II the big war." "[ Both Laughing ]" " Oh, Colonel." "You're awake." " Huh?" " You must be Major Burnham." "I'm Major Houlihan." " Major." " This is Father Mulcahy." " Father." "We've got the V.I.P. tent all gussied up foryou." "Uh, ifit's all rightwith you, Colonel, I'd rather bunkwith your surgeons." "I find it's easierto observe when there are other people around." "Darn good observation." "Come on." "I'll personally" "Oh, Colonel, wait." "You can't go." "I have to talk toyou." " I'll be back in two shakes." " Uh, I don't think this can wait." " Oh, don't wory, Colonel." "I'll escort the major." " Thankyou." "Colonel." "Now then, Padre, you've got some sort ofburr in your saddle blanket?" "Not exactly the metaphor I would have chosen, but, uh, I do have something on my mind." "You see, I have... been paid a great honor by the Philadelphia archdiocese." "Ah. "Hometown padre makes good" kind ofthing?" "It's more like being enshrined in a priests' hall offame." "Theywanna hang my portrait along their..." "ecclesiastical esplanade." "Well, congrats." "Sounds Almighty impressive." "Yes, it is a bit overwhelming." "And I wantyou to paint the official portrait." "I'd be honored." "I'll get to it nextweek." "Oh, no, sir." "No, it-it can't wait." "Uh" " Uh-This must be done with godspeed." "Now, here's how I see it:" "Me with, uh, clouds in the background... and heavenly light streaming down from above." "You want me to fix it soyou winkwhen folks walk by?" "...and as somebodywho has known Colonel Potter since the day he got here..." "I can tell you he's a wonderful man." "Yes, I know." "He certainly has an excellent reputation." "Sharp as a tack." "And you caught him at the perfect time-just after his morning nap." "Well, Colonel Potter isn't exactly a youngster anymore." "Ah, right." "Not like some ofthoseyoung officers- always coming up with innovations, always changing things." "He's a little old-fashioned, huh?" "Absolutely not." "He's cautious, thorough." "When he makes a decision, you can trust it." "Why only last month he gave us the go-ahead to fight infection with penicillin." " Slim slam alabam." "Blessings, Major and Majorette." " What is this?" "A thousand pardons." "In my religion, this is the month ofthe sacred bull." "I wish to inviteyou to my midnight prayer service in the minefields." " Is this man on our side?" " Corporal Klinger, Maxwell Q" "U.S. 1 9571 782." " It's all right here, sahib." " Klinger, get out of ourway." "That's an order!" "Think about it, Majors." "The minefield service is an uplifting experience." " Klinger!" " Mayyour life be free of snakes." "Sh-boom be with you." " This way." " What's with him?" "Don't pay any attention." "He's just a nut tying to get out ofthe army." "Colonel Potter permits this sort ofthing?" "Well, only since Klinger converted him." "...and ifyou hear rumors ofsenility, don't pay any attention to them." "No, we haven't heard anything about that down in Seoul." "Of courseyou haven't, because they're 90% not true." " This bunk is yours." " Thankyou, Major." "Oh, and ifyou have any further questions..." "I'm sure Colonel Potter will be happy to answer them." " He's vey alert after his afternoon nap." " How often does he nap?" "Oh, whenever he remembers." "[Dog Barking]" " I got it." "Here, boy." "Here, boy." " get him. get him." " That's a good boy." " Ah,you must be MaejorBurnham." "I'm Hunnicutt." "B.J. Hunnicutt." "Captain Pierce and our top dog." "This mean you're bunking with us?" "I thought it'd be an interesting experience." "I understand you fellas are terrific doctors who don't exactly go by the book." " What doyou mean?" "Sure we do." " Only our book has pictures of naked people playing volleyball." "Oh, and here is someone who needs no introduction." " Major Charles Emerson Winchester, Major Burnham." " Ah" "Ah, Major Burnham." "This is indeed a pleasure." "Well, now thatyou two have met, uh, we have to be off." " We're taking our dog to dinner." " Taking our... dog" " Do that." " Dinner." "I hopeyou don't mind." "Colonel Potter said it'd be all right ifl bunked with you surgeons." "Well, a-actually surgey is my subspecialty." "My real forte is diseases ofthe aged-but-not-yet-retired." "So, who doyou like in the next Saddler-Pep bout?" " You're talking about boxing, right?" " Ah, it's in my blood." "Yes, sir, they're two ofthe finest featherweights who ever laced on gloves." "Think it'll be a K.O., orwill they go the distance there?" "You know, general Torgeson's a big boxing fan." " No kidding?" " Talks about it all the time." "Me too. graziano, Schmeling, Louis." "All like gods to me." "The general drives me nuts with that fightjunk." "Course there's more to life than just the squared circle, you know." "Like sitting around a campfire just outside beautiful Butte... eating... beans after a hard day of sheep ranching." "[ Clicks Tongue, Whistles ]" "I've never done that." "I'm from Detroit." "You know, I've always hankered to ride the range in a Buick." "So tell me." " What doyou think is-is the key to the 4077?" " Turnover." "As fine a place as this is, it's, uh- it's time to move on, discover new vistas." "I think my surgical skills would take a giant leap ifl were to find a new locale." "What about Pierce and Hunnicutt?" "They've been here even longer." "Anybody needs a change, they do." " That's vey interesting." "I have always" " Excuse me, gentlemen." "I was supposed to meet Colonel Potter here for dinner." "Have you seen him?" " No, I haven't." " Oh, then he must be eating on Sophie." "Oh, that's his horse." "He loves to spendas manyhours in the saddle as he can." "It's a habit from his old cavaly days." "He's been doing it since, oh, 1 91 8." "I'd better go check." "He loves an after dinner nap and sometimes he falls off." "Your colonel seems to have some rather strange habits." "Well, I don't think there's anything too unusual about him." "She's a might peculiarthough." "Enough ofthis idle chitchat." "As I was saying" "Stop this!" "Stop this eating at once!" "It is written in thesacred testaments ofourforefathers and foremothers... that on the fourth day of the new moon... we shall abstain from all our worldly pleasures." "[ gasps ] Spam!" "It is the devil's work!" "[Plate Clatters ]" "Praise our holy leader." "Sh-boom." "Now then, I'm sure general Torgeson would agree... that I have been at the fair too long." " Let me elucidate." "You see" " This looks delicious!" "Oh." " [B.J.] Don'tyouejust love it rare?" " Oh, yeah." "Isn't that the collar that was on the... dog?" " Yeah." "Pass the pepper, will ya?" " Thereyou go." "Sure." " How can you?" " Areyou kiddin' me?" "In Korea, dog's a delicacy." " When in Rome" " Here, you want some?" " Mmm" " Oh, smell this.Just smell it." " Mmm." " Isn't that great?" "Oh!" "[ groans ]" "Padre, I'm comin' down with a case of Rembrandt's elbow." "What saywe knock offfor now and toss down a few toddies at the "O" Club?" "No!" "I mean-Well, I'm sory to be such a harsh taskmaster... but they need this painting pretty R.QS." " Huh?" " That's Latin for PD.Q" "[ Mutters, groans ] ...seven, 38" " Major, another drink?" " Thankyou, I'm fine." " Then how 'bout a little leftover bowwow chow?" " Captain, please" "We put it in a doggie bag." "Docs, a patient just came in." "He's in real bad shape." "They need you in pre-op." " Aw." " Oh, for cying out loud!" "No, this is what I've been waiting for." "Doyou mind ifl tag along?" " Nah." "You might as well." " Don'tyou hate itwhen they come in the middle ofhappy hour?" "[ Imitates Bomb Falling, Explosion ]" "Ah." "Uh-oh." "That looks pretty bad, Hawk." "I'm afraid we're gonna have to resect." "Resect?" "Aw, geez." "That takes forever." "I got a date tonight." "You can't walk out on an operation because of a lousy date." " It's with gwen." " Well, goody foryou." "You expect me to do this myself?" "All right, all right, all right." "We'll pack him offfor now." "We'll finish him in the morning." " Igor, get him into O.R." " Right." "Ah, what the hell." "I got laundyto do anyway." "[ Hawkeye] Scrub, scrub, scrub." "That's all we ever do." "I've never understood whywashing your hands is so important..." " when the minuteyou're finished, you cover 'em up with gloves." " Yeah." "I mean, what is that?" "It's too late, Captains." "We've lost him." " The patient is dead?" " No." "We just don't know where he is." "How could you lose a patient between pre-op and O.R.?" " We tried a shortcut." " I just can't workwith these people." " What areyou doing?" " [ B.J. ] I'm going back to our tent." "But there's a wounded man around here someplace." "You gotta find him, get him into O.R.!" "Sory, we're in medicine, not transportation." "You're gonna get in a lot oftrouble for this, Pierce." "Uh-uh!" "Until he hits the operating table, we're not responsible." "Igor, this is on your head!" "You go look for him." "Ifyou find him, let me know." " I'll be in the laundy room." " I'll be incommunicado." " That does it!" " What's the matter?" "What's the matter?" "I always heard this unit was a little strange... but at least when it came to medicine, you were supposed to be thorough professionals." "I'm chiefsurgeon here." "Areyou tyin' to tell me I don't know myjob?" "Where's your compassion, your humanity?" "What happened to the Hippocratic oath?" " Oh, ho, ho, ho." "You get him?" " Oh." "I'll bet he's one ofthose guys that's seen all the Dr. Kildare movies." "Look, Burnham, this is not some antiseptic stateside hospital." "This is war." "This is hell." "It stinks." "It's filthy." " Can I borrowyour cologne tonight?" " Mm-hmm." " Tradeyou for a couple of clothespins." " I got a couple of clothespins" "## [ Singing ]" " greens, greens- - ## [ Humming ]" " greens" " Rest assured general Torgeson's gonna hear about all ofthis..." " the minute I get back." " You're leaving now?" " Yes, I am!" " Oh." "Wait-Wait a minute." "[ Exhales ] These areyours." "Thanks." "Ifyou'd like, I'll wash 'em and send 'em down toyou." "[ Cackles ]" "[Man On P.A.] Attention allpersonnel." "Incoming wounded." "Dropyourflasks and grabyour masks." "[ Chattering ]" "[ Vehicles Approaching]" "Sorry, Maejor." "You have to move yourejeep." "We have to use this area for triage." " Okay." " Come on!" "Hey, didn't I just see you" "[ Chattering ]" "[ Hawkeye ] Give me some more retraction and pack it down with lap sponges." "[ B.J. ] Give me suction in the pericardium." "J ust when you thi nk eveythi ng's goi ng your way, the war drops in without knocking." "Hey, we can hold our heads high." "We gave it ourworst." "[ Charles ] Ifyou'd care to step over here, Major." "This-Vey difficult diagnosis." "The patient's wounds are not what they first appear to be." "Seems to be a lot ofthat going around." "Kocher clamp." "Playyour cards right, you could be head nurse at a new MASH unit." "The chief surgeon and I are on a same-name basis." "[ Potter] Let's get this bleeding stopped pronto." "Klinger!" "Another unit." "Way ahead ofyou, sir." "I already got it." "The old man really runs a tight ship, doesn't he?" "Long as he has a week to rest up, he's great one day in a row." "Butyou don't understand." "Burnham saw how perfect I was in there." " Maybe I could plead temporay sanity." " Oh, Klinger." "You're crazy." "They don't want you for a new MASH." "Theywant the colonel." "Take him, leave him." "What's the difference?" " Without the colonel, I'm just another religious fanatic." " [ Scoffs ]" "Let me say this one last time right before I say good-bye." "It's me who'll be going." "They need a chief surgeon." "Unless theywant the best surgeon, in which case it's me who's going." "Your humility is just one ofthe things I'm gonna miss aboutyou." "Who cares?" "The point is they're breaking us up and we'll never be the same again." " Yeah." " Uh" "I just told Colonel Potter and MajorWinchester... and I want to tell the rest ofyou." "You're terrific." "You can all be proud ofyourselves." " Oh, go suck a combat boot." " Margaret!" " Took the boot right out of my mouth." " That's tellin' 'em." " I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he, sir." " I admireyour loyalty, son." " Now ifl just knew whatyou were talking about." " Excuse me, Colonel." "I think some ofyour people may have misconstrued what I'm doing here." " Maybe I'd better explain it." " Yes, Major." "Please do." " Plain and simply, we're forming a new MASH- - [ Stammering ] MASH?" " to serve our needs closer to the front." " [ Whimpers ]" "We'd always heard this organization marched to a different drummer." "Well, I supposeyou gotta be crackers not to go nuts in a pressure cooker like this." "We had all the suspense we need in O.R." "Why don'tyou drop the other shoe and get it overwith?" " The other shoe?" " The oneyou're gonna use... to kick somebody out ofhere into the new MASH." "What?" "You're crazier than I thought." "We'd never split up the 4077." "It's hard enough in this army to find something that works." "Onceyou do, you don't mess with it." " Pulling somebody outta here'd be like breaking up the Yankees." " Sh-boom be praised!" "Nowyou see?" "Let this be a lesson toyou." "Never believe idle gossip." "Especiallywhen it comes from an idle gossip." "I was only here observing how this organization runs so we could copy it, not rip it apart." "Well, that certainlywill be a comfort to my disciples." "Colonel, aren'tyou relieved to find out the real reason he was here?" "Hell, I knew it all along, but I wasn't about to letyou folks in on it." "First thing you know, you'd all go off half-cocked and act like a bunch ofjackasses." " [ All Protesting ]" " Oh, sir." "I'm surprised atyou." " [ Chattering ]" " Come on." "Let's see it, Colonel." "Defrock the painting." "Okay, okay." "You're all familiar with Whistler's Mother." "Now say how do to Potter's Father." "Oh, that's great." "Look, Leo." "Oh, holymackerel." "That's reallysomething." " Father, this should be on a stained-glass window." " Or a stamp." "Can't even see where the little numbers were." "Will you yahoos can the comments?" "Now tell me the truth, Padre." "You think this'll make it in the holywalk offame?" " Oh, it" " Itwon't be going to Philadelphia." " Oh." "The archdiocese decided an esplanade would be a bit too showy... so they're going with wallet-sized photos on a bulletin board." "I understand perfectly, Padre." "Being a pinup ain't proper for a priest." "Actually it's all for the better, Colonel, because" "You worked so hard on it, I-I'd likeyou to keep it." "Why thankyou, Padre." "I'm gonna put it right here." "And with you always keepin' an eye on me..." "I'll have to stay on the straight and narrow." " [Chuckles ]" " I find your trust in me vey moving." "I can't deceiveyou any longer." "There's something I must confess." " Oh!" " What is it, Padre?" "Uh, I-I think it would look better... over there."