" Hello?" " Craig." "I saw her again, at the beach this time." " Who?" " Her." " Her?" " Her, her." "All right, the mystery girl." "You followed her to the beach this time." "No." "She just appeared." "I looked over, and there she was." "On her upper lip, there was this tiny bead of sweat." "It was her only flaw, and I loved her for it." "All right." "What did you do?" "How did you, Tom McHugh, take control of the situation?" "How did you seize the moment and make it your's?" "I waited." "You waited." "For what?" "For the perfect moment." "For the moment our eye's would meet she'd smile at me and there'd be a flash of unspoken understanding between us." "I was waiting for fate." "Tell me something, Tom." "How long does all this take?" "Hey, don't rush me." "When the moment's right, I'll know." "It'll happen." " The landscapers come?" " On Wednesday." "Dr. Lusky." "Mrs. Lusky." "Why, Craig McHugh!" "I thought you were still in law school." "Tom." "Craig's win some younger brother." "Well, you win some, you lose some." "Remind me to never let you operate on me." "Suzette, this is my son Tom." "Hi, Tom." "Tom's going to Yale to study business." "Or I might be joining the Merchant Marines." "I haven't really decided." "I say, take a couple of years, figure out what to do with the rest of your life." "You know, I admire that, Tom." "A young man should follow his heart where it takes him." "Don't let us old coots dictate what you should or shouldn't do." "Of course, as an employer I've always had a certain bias against hiring slack-offs." "As you all know, by this time tomorrow, Betty and I will be in Connecticut with a very special member of our family." "Hear, hear." "For the past four years, he's competed... amongst the best our nation has had to offer and each time he's come home a champion." "And I know how grateful he is for your generous support." "But I think he could probably say it a lot more eloquently than I." "What do you say, champ?" ""For he's a jolly good schnauzer" ""For he's a jolly good schnauzer" ""Which nobody can deny" ""Which nobody can deny... "" "Saratoga Long shot?" "There's got to be a way to find out more about her." "Hello?" "Hi, Mom." "No, I cancelled." "I know he's a doctor, but he's still boring." "Well, then you go out with him." "To tell you the truth, I'd rather be by myself." "Hang on a second." "I think I heard something outside." "Okay, there's a couple of frozen pizzas in the icebox downstairs and a fresh case of Bock beer, all right?" "Keep your damn hands off it." "Yes, sir." "Now, don't forget about that list of chores we agreed on." "Please, Tom, get yourself a nice haircut, dear." "See you when you get back." " You bet." " Okay." "Buckle up, hon." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "Mom, I'm not going to kiss the dog." "Goodbye, dear." ""Clean your room." ""Hang up the clothes." "Mow the lawn. "" "Craig!" "Hey, butthead." "Thought you were in California." "After talking to everybody, I decided to fly up and surprise you." "No kidding." "We haven't seen you in ages." "You know Mom and Dad took off, right?" " Yeah." "When are they coming back anyway?" "Monday night." "Terrific." "Look at this." "It's beautiful." "1959 DeSoto Firesweep." "You see the way it sort of leans into the wind?" "That's called the "Forward Look. "" "When this baby came out, the ad said, "Suddenly, it's 1960!"" "Hey, you want to take it for a spin?" "Can I?" "No, but I will let you pull it into the garage." "It's a push-button transmission." ""D" for drive, "R" for reverse." "Where's the "P"?" "No park." "Parking brake." "Wait a minute." "How did you get it up here if you just flew in?" "How did you get the car here if you just flew in from California?" "I let Chris Keslin drive it up during Spring Break, met me at the airport." "Grab that bag." "Any beer inside?" "You certainly look like you could use one." "Yeah, but Dad said..." ""Keep your damn hands off it. " Forget it." "Tell him I drank it." "It's good to see you, Craig." "I see you've been putting my telescope to good use." "Tom!" "Is it inadvertently pointing at something interesting?" "Is this the one you've been telling me about, your new girlfriend?" "I'm working on that." "Tommy, come here." "I want you to look through this telescope." "Go ahead." "It's pointed at a beautiful woman." "Why?" "Because you pointed it there." "Not Mom, not Dad, not anybody else but you." "You know what you want." "The hard part is over." "You have to do something about it." " Craig, I haven't even spoken to her." " That's all right." "That's all right." "What do you know about this girl?" "She's housesitting for some new neighbors." "She reads mystery novels, she doesn't seem to have a boyfriend." "Tom, she's waiting for you." "Well, fine." "I'll just go over there and say, "I'm Tom." "You don't know me." ""I've been spying on you for months now." ""And I find you attractive in a very real, very hormonal way. "" "And then she'll slap me silly." "There are worse things in this world than getting slapped by a beautiful woman." " Hey, you got her number?" " Craig, I don't even know her name." "But you've got her garbage, right?" "She's got a couple of Gourmet Lights, couscous, a bunch of grapefruit rinds." "Tommy, you got to get this girl some food." "Hello." "Tom, I'd like you to meet Geena Mathews." "In July, Geena bought $85 worth of lingerie at Nordstrom." "Very nice." "You like lingerie, Tommy?" "Well, I've really only read about it." "All right, let's see." "She reads mystery novels to escape, right?" "She dreams of faraway, exotic places." "She's into surrealism." "She's trapped, Tom." "Bingo." "She plays bingo?" "Phone bill." "Now we have her phone number." "Let's go rescue her." "Craig..." "No, I can't do this." " Just be yourself." " No, I can't." " Then be me." " No." "Hello?" "Hello, Geena?" "Is this Geena Mathews?" "Hi, my name is Tom." "No, no." "Tom McHugh." "That's because we've never met." "I'm a neighbor of yours." "I live over on Sunnydale." "I don't name the streets, I just live on them." "Listen, I keep seeing you everywhere I go." "First it was at Nordstrom, and then the beach." "And then at that Dali exhibit over at the museum." "I had to call to ask you to please stop following me around." "I mean, people are really starting to talk." "You know, us." "Listen, Geena..." "To be totally honest with you, I'm trying my hardest to ask you out." "But it's going to be a beautiful night." "It's gonna be one of those hot, tropical nights where anything could happen." "I fly back to California tomorrow." "Listen, what about this?" "What if I just show up at your house at 7:30?" "If you don't open the door, I'll go home." "I promise." "What do you say?" "Great." "Bye." "We're in." "I'm not going to do this." "Call her back." "Do what?" "Now all you have to do is show up." "What if I blow it?" "This is way too spontaneous." "I need more time." "Tiger, come on." "All right, relax." "Trust me." "You'll be ready." "Now, I want you to just remember what Lord Olivier said about acting." ""The key is sincerity." ""Once you can fake that, the rest is easy. "" "George Burns said that." "Okay, I want you to clean it up, but not too severe." "Think Robert Mitchum in 'Out of the Past. '" "So basically, exactly like yours, right?" "Yeah." "Craig, you don't understand." "First dates don't work for me." "I hurry my jokes." "I have car trouble." "Once, I bit some pizza and all the hot stuff slid off hit me in the chin and gave me second-degree burns." "You're trying too hard." "Let her do the work." "What do women like to do more than anything else in the world?" "Buy shoes?" "Talk." "They talk, so you listen." "That is the single most important thing I can tell you about women." "They like it when you treat them shitty or treat them well." "They just want you to pay attention." "Watch." "Does it matter that I have 20-20 vision?" "I don't need glasses." "Neither do I." "You know how women sometimes say they like guys who are mature?" "That means they like a man with glasses." "No kidding." "It's the only difference." "The only problem with glasses is that they tend to fly off when a woman slaps you." "Just don't flinch." "Take it like a man." "Come off it smiling." "I don't usually get slapped." "Really?" "Happens to me all the time." "Come on." "A limo?" "Craig, there's no way I'm going to show up in some stupid limo." "On a night like tonight, your convertible would be perfect." "I promise I'll be extra-careful." "You're right." "It would be very cool." "But I can't." "Really, Tom, it's been giving me all sorts of trouble lately." "The top sticks, the exhaust system." "Why risk it?" "In fact, I was hoping to borrow your car." "My car?" "Yeah, visit some of my old hangouts." "Everything at Kory's is terrific, except for the wine list." "Just dismiss it with a wave of your hand and say, "A bottle of your best champagne. "" ""A bottle of your best champagne"?" "How am I supposed to afford that?" "This is brand new." "You sign my name, so that the signatures will match." "And I will give you some extra cash for tipping." "Always tip well." "But only when your date is watching." "Hi." "I have a flower delivery for a Mr McHugh?" "Twenty minutes late, Dwight." "I'm sorry, sir." "I guess I misjudged the ride over." "I usually take a different route." "That is a beautiful car." "Don't make excuses on my time." "I have an important date planned this evening, and now you just fucked it up." "I said I was sorry." "Well, there goes your tip, Dwight." "There goes my tip?" "Well, I hope you enjoy the flowers Craig!" "This is insane." "What if she hates me?" "What if she laughs at me?" "What if she pulls a knife?" "Pulls a knife?" "Worst case scenario." "Relax." "Just stick to the plan, and everything's gonna be fine." "The last thing a woman wants to hear is, "I don't know." "What do you want to do?"" "You have reservations, you have directions, everything's taken care of." "You need to wear this jacket." "You think so?" "All right." "Oh, no!" "Don't do this to me." "I'm sorry, man!" "I'm really late!" "Hey, come back here!" "This is inspiring." "You look almost like me." "It's perverse." "I got to get going." "My wallet's in here." "You hold on to that." "There's some extra cash, and my ID, in case you get carded." "Phony ID?" "Isn't that against the law, Craig?" "Never let the law stand in the way of a good time." "You're gonna make a great lawyer, Craig." "You're a good brother." "Yes?" " Mr. McHugh?" " Yes!" "About that limousine you ordered." "There's been a slight accident." "We can get you another one, but it'll take a few hours." "No, you don't understand." "Tonight's a special occasion." "Of course it is, otherwise you would have rented a Chevette." "But I have to pick her up in a few minutes!" "Now what am I supposed to do?" "McHugh." "Tom McHugh." "Hi." " You're Tom?" " I'm Tom." "These are flowers." "They're for you." "I'll go put them in water." "Just the bottom part." "Listen, thanks for the flowers." "They're really great." "But I'll ask you some questions before I open the door." "Right, of course." "I understand." "Tell me the name of the last novel you actually read." "Novel?" "A big storybook without pictures." "Oh, right." "It's just that it was..." "It was this mystery novel, Saratoga Long shot." "Are you kidding?" "I just read that." "Really?" "Okay, what's the capital of Paraguay?" "Uruguay?" "It's Asuncion." "But nobody ever gets that one." "Any personal heroes?" "I always looked up to my older brother, Craig." "But that's kind of stupid." "That's so sweet." "I mean, most guys say Michael Jordan." "Wait." "I'm sitting on something." " This is a cool car." " Thanks." "It's funny what guys think is impressive." "I had a date once that showed up in a limo." " You're kidding." " No, I'm serious." "I just think this is more interesting." "It's a 1959 DeSoto." " DeSoto?" " Yeah." "Yeah, when it first came out..." "By the way, where are we going?" "It's just up ahead here." "I'm pretty sure." "It's a place called Kory's." "How did you find this place?" "I don't know." "You just hear about places and then you go there." "I forgot what I was going to say." "It was something really enchanting." "Maybe we should skip this first impression thing." "What do you say?" "Great idea." "I've always felt fourth impressions, you know, were really the most important." "On first dates people try so hard, they really can't be themselves." "Yeah, I know." "It's almost deceptive, really, if you think about it." "We spend hours making ourselves look completely different then we go someplace dark where we can't see each other anyway." "And we drink, so we don't know if the other person is really interesting or just seems so because they're pretending... to be interested in who we're pretending to be." "Right." "I guess there's no getting around it." "We're gonna have to lie to each other." "Lie to each other?" "At least until we get to know one another." "Two Cabana Coolers." "I'll just put that on your tab." " Tab?" " Yeah." "My tab, right, okay." "Thank you, Stella." "Now I've wet myself and you're going to want to call my mother to take me home." "Tom, I think it's all right." "If this is the worst thing that happens all night, I think we're going to live." "I'm going to be right back." "Hi, Stella." " Hi." " Do you have a towel?" "I see the old McHugh charm is overflowing this evening." "Stella!" "Duty calls." "I live to serve." " That wasn't Craig McHugh, was it?" " Get in line, honey." "It's his car, all right." "No mistaking it." "I'm going to check it out." "How are you this evening?" " Beautiful car." " Thank you." "So, the rat returns to his hole." "Do we know each other?" "I wasn't that drunk!" "How you can live with yourself, Craig McHugh..." "I don't..." "I mean..." "I'm not..." "Mr. Romeo." "I hate dicks like you." "What did he do, Susie?" "Forget it, Aldo." "His karma will catch up with him." "She's right, Aldo." "And when it does, it's going to kick my ass." "Do you like your drink?" " Yeah, it's kind of..." " Could you tell me in the car?" "What's the big hurry?" "I ran into some old school buddies of mine." "They'll be bugging us all night if we hang around." "I thought that was a great place." " You mind if we go someplace else?" " No, that's fine." "These guys, they're kooks." "Interesting friends." "Well, you know, they're just jealous." "Here I am, out with a beautiful Pulitzer Prize winner." "Come on, Tom." "Enough with the lies, okay?" "Absolutely." "No more lies." "Tom, what happened to your face?" "It's all red." "That!" "It's..." "It's an allergic reaction to pineapple juice." "Are those your buddies again?" "I think he's from the flower shop near my house." " Did you screw her yet?" " What?" "Did you get her drunk with my tip money and bang her?" " What did he say?" " I didn't catch it." "Here!" "Bang her with these!" "I still can't hear him!" "Hey, lady!" "I hope you don't expect a tip after you..." "He was kind of funny, wasn't he?" "I had no idea you were such a romantic." "Or do you throw flowers at all your dates?" "I can't wait to see what you throw at me next." "I'll be right back." "Excuse me." "Is there a washroom?" "Nice form." " Nice car." " Thanks." " '58." " '59." "DeSoto Firesweep." "You look great with it, too, you know?" " Could you do something for me?" " What's that?" "Just kind of lean against it there." " What, like this?" " Yeah." "That's great." "Now put the other hand right there." " Like this?" " Perfect." "Don't move." "I'm Detective Condon." "I will be your arresting officer this evening." "Is this a joke?" "The joke is over, son." "So you're Craig McHugh." "No, I'm not." "He's my brother." "Your evil twin brother, right?" "No, he's older." "An older evil..." "My brother's practically a lawyer, okay?" "You'll need one." " That you, Sharpie?" "It's Condon." " Did somebody say "condom"?" "Go ahead and make your stupid jokes." "I got him." "I got McHugh." "I said to wait for backup." "What's with you?" "He's not even armed." "He's practically crying." "I want you to wait there, understand?" "We're on our way." "Okay, McHugh time to hand over the flowerpot." "I got flowers." "I want it now." "I got no time for this crap." "We know you took the vase." "Now, where is it?" "The trunk?" "You look in the trunk, take whatever you want." "You got the jack..." "Hello?" "Sir?" "Hi." "Is everything all right?" "Yeah." "You look kind of pale." "You sure you're okay?" "Yeah, yeah." "I'm fine." "Good." "Because I'm having a great time." "You are?" "Yeah." "I hate to cut our date short." "I mean, with you going to California tomorrow and everything, right?" "Yeah, right." "You see, it's just that I'm a little worried about my car." "I've been having some car trouble." "I'll go pay, okay?" "Did you forget something?" "No, that's okay." "I got it." "Can I help?" "I had a nosebleed." "That's disgusting." "Keep the change." "Do you have a pay phone?" "On the wall." " Hi, I'm Richard." " I'm Betty." "And that was Napoleon." "We're not home, but if you leave your name and number we'll call you back just as soon as we can." "Craig, are you there?" "Pick up the phone, okay?" "Shit." "Listen, I had to borrow your car." "The stupid limo didn't show up." "All hell's breaking loose, man." "I have two dead bodies in the trunk." "I think I should call the police, you know, but I can't." "Because one of them, I personally, accidentally killed." "I've been slapped, I've been threatened by goons." "I've been attacked by a freaking florist, okay?" "And we haven't even ordered appetizers." "You said something about old hangouts." "Meet me at a place called Club Voltaire, if you're not already there, okay?" "See you there." "Bye." "The flowers were a great surprise." "I can't wait to see what you'll do next." "Next?" "It's another surprise." "Hey, you dick!" "Six months ago, I thought this place was too yuppie." "You know what they do to cop killers, flower boy?" "The lucky ones live to see the chair." "You don't look that lucky to me!" "I keep telling you." "I never saw McHugh until he stiffed me for the flowers." "He tried to run me off the road." "It's the truth." " Sharpie." " What?" "I tracked down the kid's boss." "Guess his story checks out." "Are you sure?" "I got the address where he made the delivery." "Poor Al never had a chance." "Let's go get that cop killer." "Listen, Geena, I'm really sorry." " I thought my brother was here." " No, it's incredible!" "I thought we were going to get killed!" "Well, the night is still young." "Bottle of your best champagne." "Anything else?" "That'll be fine." "Couple of Gourmet Lights, couscous." "Bunch of grapefruit rinds." "Don't these people eat anything?" " Sir?" " Yeah." "The search warrant you asked for." "Good boy." " Sharpie." " What?" "Listen to this." " What do you got?" " Listen to this." "I have two dead bodie's in the trunk." "I think I should call the police, you know, but I can't." "Because one of them, I personally, accidentally killed." "If that isn't a confession, I don't know what is." "There's more." "You said something about old hangouts." "I'm going to a place called Club Voltaire." "Meet me there, okay?" "Two dead bodies?" "That voice was creepy." "Not anounce of remorse." "Anything else, Mr. McHugh?" "No, thanks." "Craig McHugh?" "Why?" "Do I know you?" "No." "But you know my sister." "I don't even look like my brother." "Yes, you do." "I see it." "You sort of dress like him, too." " Thought you stole his credit card." " You know my brother?" "Have you seen him?" "Upstairs." "Chinese guy." "Your boyfriend said to tell you he'd be right back." "Why?" "Where'd he go?" "Upstairs." "To find his brother." "Thanks." "Hello?" "Craig?" "If you'd like to make a call, plea se, hang up and try again." "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator." "Tom, is that you?" "No." "Are you okay?" "Don't come in!" "It's a real mess in here!" "What's going on?" "I'm coming in, Tom." "No!" "No, hold on!" "What is this?" "What's going on?" "Are you hungry?" "Let's get some Chinese food." "Nervous?" "Am I acting nervous?" "I don't think I'm acting nervous." "You're acting like you have rabies." "Tom, why did you disappear like that?" "That's pretty rude." "You're right." "I'm sorry." "I thought my brother might be upstairs, visiting a friend, but he wasn't there." "Maybe I wanted to meet him." "You said he was your hero, right?" "Under the circumstances, that wouldn't be a good idea." "What circumstances?" " Circumstances beyond my control." " I don't understand what that means." "I know this is just another night to you but it's really important to me, all right?" "Tom, you're a really nice guy, but..." ""Nice. "" "I'm afraid that's my one and only quality." "No, that's not true." "You have one or two other qualities." "I do?" "Yeah, you're spontaneous." "And you're sincere." "You have great taste." "That's somebody else." "I'm just doing that so you won't ditch me." "Besides, you forgot "funny. "" "I am funny." "Right?" "Yes, you are funny." "Excuse me." "Is this your vehicle?" "Yes, it is." "Is there a problem, officer?" "You're missing a tire." "Give me the keys." "I'll help you with the spare." "You could lose anything around here." "Why don't you watch this?" "I'm going to go get the spare." "These old jacks, they get wiggly." "That's a leaky flare." "I'll get this one, you go close that trunk." "Have a nice night, now." "Stop!" "Come here." "Looks like I caught you just in time." "Take a look at this." "It's oil, huh?" "That ain't oil." "I'd say that was transmission fluid." "When it gets all red and sticky like this it's time to have it changed." "I'll change it." "How about some music?" "Something relaxing?" "Tom, they took your tapes." "They took my tapes?" "Well, this is relaxing." "Driving in eerie silence." "What was that?" "Was that a car phone?" "No." "Sounds like it's coming from the trunk." "It's a trunk car phone." "One of these jobbies that you put in the trunk then it doesn't bother you while you drive." "Don't you think you should answer it?" "Yes, I should." "Craig McHugh was here, all right." "With a date." "I don't get it." "He kills a cop, then goes out and celebrates?" "What next?" "There's a dead Chinese man upstairs." "Looks like McHugh was the last person to see him alive." "This guy's over the edge." "He's a psycho, all right." "I mean, who else would steal from the head of the Chinese Tong Mafia?" "Boy, there sure aren't many Chinese people around." "I guess it gets a little touristy on Saturday nights." "Chinese are probably inside, making a living." "Look at this place." "We should go in here." "All right." "You go in." "I'm going to ask some people to recommend a good place to eat." "No public washroom." "No customer use." "I wanted to see you." "Me?" "No." "You go away." "Go to Happy Moon piano bar." "Find nice boy there." "Some nice young man there." "My shirt." "I need to know what my shirt says." "Written backwards." ""Look in pot."" "Oi, vay!" "No, no. "Look in pot" is old Chinese proverb." " An old proverb?" " Yes." "It's about a young man." "Very poor." "But he inherits a pot from his uncle." "It's very beautiful." "He take pot he shows it to neighbor." ""Look how beautiful. "" "He shines it up, he puts it up on shelf." "He never looks inside!" "See, he never realized inside full of gold!" "So he starved never knowing he's so rich." "You would have thought it would have jingled around when he moved it." "Proverb." "Always look inside of beauty." "Pot is only as good as what is inside of it." "Thank you." "An adventure is in the air like a wind from a faraway place." "Fortunes made and lost." "Men in the wrong place at the wrong time." "Lives changing." "All because your loins led you out tonight." "It was not my loins." "I was curious." "In women, curiosity is an urge that springs from the loins." "But not in men?" "In men, everything is an urge that springs from the loins." "Speaking of the devil." "This is the one who needs his fortune told." "Tell me his deepest, darkest secrets." "Young man, you are an imposter." "Look at the time." "We've got to go." " How much do we owe you?" " Sit down." "It's free!" "Take $20, keep the change." "Beware!" "Beware of your false self!" "Who knows what I would have found out about you?" "There's something I've got to tell you." "Mr. McHugh, your table is waiting." "We're really not that hungry." "Mr. Lew would like you to be his guests for dinner." "We could eat." "While officials are refusing to call it a murder spree, two men are dead." "And McHugh is believed to be armed, and very dangerous." "Thank you." "Boy, am I starving." "We need to get out of here." "Now." "Why?" "You don't like this place?" "A bottle of your best champagne." "Compliments of Mr. Lew." "I'd like to propose a toast." "It's not really a toast." "I just..." "Would you promise me another chance if I really blow it tonight?" "You're doing fine." "Really." "How do you know this Mr. Lew?" "I don't." "You see, this is a misunderstanding." "He knows my brother, and I don't think he likes him." "And you know how, when you don't like somebody you kind of don't like their whole family?" "What I'm trying to say is, I don't think Lew brought us here to serve us dinner." "Your dinner, compliments of Mr. Lew." "Could be dangerous." "At the very least, he's not going to be a very congenial host." "Peking duck, our house specialty." "If you require anything else food, drink additional companions anything at all, please don't hesitate to ask." "Your money is no good here." "Let me put it another way." "You know, I probably should have said this before but I think he wants to kill us." "What, with MSG?" "No, I'm not kidding." "I'd feel a lot better if we just got out of here." "Wait a minute." "You said yourself, this was just some big misunderstanding." "Why don't you get hold of your brother and find out what's going on?" "That's what I've been trying to do." "Maybe I should try him again." "I'll be right back." "We'll call you back just as soon as we can." "Craig, are you there?" "Pick up the phone." "All right, listen." "I'm at a restaurant called Chez Lew, in Chinatown." "Get here, okay?" "Now!" "Let's see." "Maybe he called in." "That's strange." "Call Sharpie." "Tell him we've got his location." "McHugh!" "I hope you don't mind." "I've taken the liberty of introducing myself to your lovely companion." "At last we meet." "You're different than I imagined." "Thanks, I..." "Lew?" "Mr. Lew?" "James Lew." "I hope you're enjoying your meal." "May I join you?" "Yeah, sure!" "This is a really great place you have, James." "So." "It seems we share many interests." "Beautiful women." "Exotic cars." "Manchurian vases of the late 16th century." "Right." "I just saw an article on your collection." "You read." "Then you know how valuable some of those vases can be." "Actually, it's funny because just today I heard a proverb about vases." "Actually, it's about a pot." "It's about this really poor guy who gets this pot from his uncle..." "I know the proverb." "I don't." "What's it about?" "It says, "Always look inside the pot. "" "And this is just my interpretation, but shake it up every now and then to see if there's any money in it." "So now it's money you're after." "Only yesterday, you were begging me to spare your life." "We made a deal, McHugh." "Deal?" "What's he talking about?" "You see, I'm not the guy you made the deal with." "I'm not Craig McHugh." "He's my brother." "Let me guess." "Your evil twin brother, right?" "Where is it?" "Where is my vase?" "Listen McHugh I've been cutting you a lot of slack." "I've not held you accountable for Ho Wong's accident because I like you." "Did you know that he killed my cousin Ho Wong?" "It's our first date." "We haven't had a lot of time to open up to each other." "He's modest." "He told me it was all in self-defense." "Fine." "I understand." "I guess he was probably sent to kill you... in the first place anyway, come to think of it." "But, Mr. McHugh enough is enough." "Don't you realize who you're dealing with here?" "Don't you know that you will never leave this restaurant alive unless you return my property?" "Tell him you're not Craig." "What the heck is your problem?" "Hey, everybody, it's Mr. Lew's birthday!" "It's Mr. Lew's birthday!" "What are you doing?" "The police are here." "We can't go to the police." "They'll arrest me." "Fine!" "They'll arrest me because they think I'm Craig." "I'm wearing Craig's suit." " You're wearing his suit?" " And I'm driving his car." "I'm paying for things with his credit cards." "Everybody thinks I'm Craig." "Well, gee, I wonder why?" "Just stop the car, okay?" "Would you stop the car?" "Look, we're not gonna go anywhere until you tell me exactly what's going on, okay?" "Plenty of witnesses." "McHugh blew in here, threw a gala party for Lew, then took off." "I didn't know McHugh was your friend." "I didn't know you were so eager to meet him." "Maybe we could all get together sometime and go bowling." "All I know is that it's got something to do with a vase that belongs to Lew." "And I think that Craig might..." "I think he stole it." "All those cops show up because he stole a vase?" "I don't know!" "Last time I knew him, he was at Stanford becoming a lawyer." "Now he's stealing vases, pissing off girls." "God knows what he was thinking when he set up this stupid date." "Craig set up this date?" "Wait a minute." "It was Craig who called me?" "You know, I expect most guys to lie about something." "How much they bench-press, how many girls they've slept with what they expect out of a relationship." "But you've created an alternate parallel universe." "I wanted to call you from the first time I saw you." "But it was too important for me to screw up by saying something stupid." "I just wanted to make a good first impression." "That's the idea, to cut through all of that find out if there's anything worthwhile on the inside." ""Look in the pot. "" "What?" "The proverb, remember?" "I found it in the loft above Club Voltaire." "It was a message for my brother." "A message." "Wait." "You know what that means, don't you?" "It's a metaphor." "Beauty is in the inside..." "No!" "Look, it means that whatever Lew wants is inside this vase that Craig has." ""Look in the pot," right?" "You're right." "I've got to find Craig." "Wait." "What is this?" "Still no answer." "I have an idea." "When I was in retail, there was a number we used to verify phone numbers on checks." "We can get his address this way." "Yes." "555-1809." "Craig McHugh." "2856 West Eastwood." "Great." "Thanks." "Let's go meet your perfect older brother." "It's McHugh." "Tell your boss I've got his valuable family heirloom." "Yeah, I stole it back from the people I sold it to." "It was even easier than stealing it from you clowns." "And I've got an alibi, so no tricks." "Yeah, whatever you say." "I'll make the delivery." "You just call off your leg-breakers." "You wouldn't want me to get nervous and drop it, would you?" "What a mess." "Whatever's inside that vase must be pretty valuable." "Do you think they missed anything?" "They say you can learn a lot about a person from their garbage." "Yeah, I've heard that." "Hey, wait." "Here's his phone bill." "He gets his calls forwarded from California." "I'll be damned!" "I can't believe he's been here this whole time." "Wait, let's just think about this, okay?" "Whatever it is, it has to be able to fit inside a vase." "Drugs, maybe?" "The detective said it was some kind of evidence." "Wait." "What detective?" "At the gas station." "This detective came up and talked to me." "He thought I was Craig." " And?" "And he stopped thinking I was Craig." "Why can't you just be straight with me?" "All night it's been, "We're looking for Craig, he may be in trouble. "" ""And I should've mentioned, for dessert, they're going to kill us!"" "Listen." "In the trunk there's the phone." " It was the detective's." " You stole his phone?" "No, he dropped it." "He dropped it." "It's kind of complicated." "Geena, I can't tell you everything because if I did, you'd leave." "Fine, don't bother, because I'm leaving anyway." "What?" "Craig McHugh, how good to find you in." "I'm not Craig McHugh!" "No, of course not." "You drive his car you answer his phone, but still, you're not him." "Listen to me!" "I'm not Craig McHugh!" "Nevertheless, it's good to find you in." "This is a big mistake!" "Come with me." "Get into the car." "Now, get in the car." "Get in it!" "I'll tell you right now, Lew, you don't know who you're dealing with." "You have until 2:00 a. m." "to return my property." "The pot for the girl." "You know where I live." "Could you just jog my memory a little?" "2:00 a. m., McHugh." "After that, I can't guarantee her safety." ""But like Mick Jagger said, 'I can't get no satisfaction'" ""The girls are all around But none of them wanna get with me" ""My friends are fresh, and I'm looking def" ""Yo, what's up with LOC?"" ""Do exactly what your big brother says. "" ""Stick to the plan, tiger. "" "Asshole!" "You dick!" " What the hell was that?" " What the hell was what?" "There's somebody in there." "Want me to tell Sharpie?" "Tell him we got McHugh." "Oh, man." "Craig, I need that vase now!" "Shut up!" "I said, shut up!" "They took the tapes." "They weren't after the vase." "They were after what was inside the vase." "What was inside the vase was a tape." "Look, Condon, I didn't complain when you upped your price for protection." "I even gave you a bonus when you took care of Scheski." "Now, why are my people getting busted?" "It's this anti-drug thing." "It's getting out of hand." "We gotta show results, Lew." "You want the FBI nosing around?" "Condon, the detective." "All right, McHugh, we know you're in there!" "He's not in there!" "All right, friends, listen up." "Wilkins, Jesse!" "You guys cover Sleepy Hollow!" "Carver, Mitchell, Babbling Brook Way!" "Hotchins, Romano, Bonny Meadow Lane!" "Nixon, Lazy Bunny Hutch!" "And don't anybody take any chances." "This is a war zone!" "Damn it!" "James Wo Chong Lew." "What a day." "Your boyfriend has caused me no end of grief." "He's not my boyfriend." "So there is a limit to McHugh's charm." "Ben, Jerry, why don't you guys go get some ice cream, okay?" "Would you like anything?" "Food?" "Something to drink?" "This is kidnapping, you know." "You could get in a lot of trouble." "I don't want to talk business." "I am tired of business." "Let's try to relax." "I can't really relax while I'm being held prisoner." "Sure you can." "You just need a little help." "Help me!" " Hi, Craig." " Help me!" "Help you?" "I could help you." "On the other hand, if I don't all your friends, family and neighbors will have to call up and order flowers for your funeral." "And I can make a lot of money." "I could make a lot of money on tips." "If I still had my job!" "You stiffed me for my tip." "Fine." "That's okay." "You try to run me off the road!" "No problem!" "I'm a flower boy!" "It all comes with the territory!" "What's your problem?" "What's that?" "Did you say something?" "I can't hear you." "Take that thing out of your mouth!" "What's your problem?" "You're my problem!" "No problem." "No problem, man!" "I'm fine!" "I'm all right." " What are you going to do about it?" " I want a divorce!" "Hi." "I got a flower delivery for Mr. Lew." "Flowers?" "At 2:00 in the morning?" "Yeah." "No kidding." "It's some kind of an emergency." "Emergency flowers?" "Hey, don't ask me, okay?" "I think he wants to impress some girl." "Okay." "Right." "The girl." "Well, you better get on up there then." "Thank you." " Chalk one up for the good guys." " Find the body?" "Not yet, but the engineer swears he hit him." "They found this on the tracks." "Kill a cop, kiss a train." "Seems about right." " Be so kind?" "Let's see what forensics has to say." "What do you got for us, Katz?" "Strange ruminations from the trunk, I'm afraid." "The Chinese gentleman was one Ho Wong a hit man for our friend James Lew." "He was waiting in the trunk to kill Craig McHugh." "Fired a single round through the trunk lid here mistakenly felling peace officer Albert Condon." "Wait a minute." "That's got to be wrong." "McHugh killed Al!" "Not so, my friend." "Ho Wong was our man." "He killed Officer Condon." "Judging by the leak in the exhaust I'd say Wong died of asphyxiation." "No." "McHugh is no killer." "2:30." "I'd say you were being stood up." "Come on." "You wouldn't want them to show up here and find me dead, right?" "I don't think you realize how many friends I have on the police force." "Please, sit down." "Look, I'm warning you, Lew." "If you do anything to me, you'll never get that evidence you're after." "Evidence?" "What evidence are you talking about?" "I know all about it." "The evidence in the pot." "So, McHugh did tell you." "That's too bad." "Yours will be honorable death, McHugh." "This sword has been in my family for three centuries!" "You asshole!" "Honor?" "I'll kill you with my bare hands!" "Happy birthday, McHugh!" "What the..." "Are you all right?" " I'm fine." " Good." "Damn it, Tom." "Or is it Craig?" "No." "It's Tom." "You promised me another chance if I really blew it tonight." "You really blew it." "Hand it over, McHugh." "Hand over the tape, Craig." "Don't." "Once you give him the tape, he'll kill us." "I'll kill you anyway." "Do what you want with the window, just leave the girl alone." "All right, Lew, one move and I drop your precious pot." "Now, lose the gun." "Go ahead!" "Your boyfriend stole everything that was valuable." "He had a fence to tell him which ones to take!" "Check the rest of the grounds!" "Give me the tape." "I don't think so." "Now, who the heck are you?" "I'm Craig McHugh." "Stop picking on my little brother, or I drop your valuable family heirloom." "We tried that already." "Please." "He doesn't want the vase." "Trust me!" "He doesn't want the vase, okay?" "I should know more about this than you." "Why do you think I made you my alibi?" "Which, by the way, you fouled up royally." "You don't want the vase?" "I have what I want." "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to call the police." "A thief and his two accomplices were found shot here in self-defense." "I made copies of that tape." "What tape?" " You're bluffing." " I did." "I can prove it." "Give me the phone." "Fifteen seconds." "No funny stuff, McHugh." " Hi, I'm Richard." " I'm Betty." "And that was Napoleon." "We're not home right now..." "Look, Condon, I didn't complain when you upped your price for protection." "I even gave you a bonus when you took care of Scheski." "Now, why are my people getting busted?" "It's this anti-drug thing." "It's getting out of hand." "We gotta show results, Lew." " You want the FBI no sing around?" " It's Condon." "Just lie low for a few months." "And we'll get together with Sharpie and Doheny and work out a new deal." "Like I said, if the FBI gets wind of this, we're all screwed." "Unbelievable." "They're all in on it." "If you don't like that copy, I made others." "If we don't return home safely tonight I left instructions for the tapes to be sent to the FBI." "No, wait." "Great." "The police!" "Great." "The police." "Police." "Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt." "I'm glad you're here, sir." "This man wants to kill us in cold blood." "Is that right?" "We have evidence that's gonna put this guy away for life." "You found the tape?" "He's got one, and I've got another one at home." "Only two?" "So you were bluffing." "Kill him!" "Finish him off for me!" "Earn your payoff money!" "You're the payoff cops?" "The payoff cops?" " This isn't fair." " Shut up!" " Who is this guy?" " It's McHugh, you idiots!" "Now kill him!" "I'm not Craig McHugh!" "He's not Craig McHugh." "I am!" " Positive, he's not Craig McHugh." " Kill them both." "And the girl." "One of them is bound to be McHugh." "McHugh's already dead!" "In fact, he died a hero." "One of your pals here killed Al, Lew." "And then McHugh killed him." "And then you..." "You killed McHugh." "And now, Lew I'm gonna kill you." " Kill me?" " That's what I said!" "You kill for me!" "I say who kills who!" "Kill them!" "And while you're at it, kill yourself!" "They're getting away!" "Freeze!" "Nobody move!" " Drop your weapons!" "You're under arrest!" " For what?" "Bribery extortion and extreme stupidity." "Hey, why so glum?" "You could thank me for coming to your rescue." "Thanks, Craig." "Thanks for everything." "What the hell's your problem, Tommy?" "What's my problem?" "I've spent my life being compared to my perfect older brother, and you don't even exist." " Oh, really?" "You're a lying, thieving, sociopathic criminal." "And I thought you were a lawyer." "Well, now we're splitting hairs, aren't we?" "Get out of here." "Take your $200 shoes." "Take your stupid shirt." "I don't want anyone else to mistake me for the legendary asshole Craig McHugh." " You're an ingrate." " Ingrate?" "You almost got us killed." "I'm sorry." "I guess I screwed up." "I put adventure into your lives." "That's it." "No, go on." "Go back to your safe, suburban homes and lock your doors and watch your MTV." "But I'll tell you this much." "When the two of you are old and you're sitting on your fat, wrinkled asses there's gonna be one night one date out of your whole boring lives that you're gonna remember and it's gonna be tonight." "Don't tell Mom and Dad, all right?" "I want my tip Craig." "Hey, no problem Dwight." "You're very strange, you know." "I still don't know a thing about you." "Good night." "I have a couple questions I'd like to ask you before I can say good night." " Hi, I'm Richard." " I'm Betty." "That was Napoleon." "We're not home now, but if you leave your name and number we'll call you back just as soon as we can." "Tommy?" "Napoleon won!" "He's champion again." "Best dog in the show." "Can't wait to see you." "We'll celebrate when we're back." "Maybe I'll even let you have one of those beers." "I think Napoleon wants to talk to you." "Here, boy!" "Resync:" "Kilo"