"I WONDER WHAT PEOPLE DID BEFORE TELEVISION." "THEY MADE DOLLS OUT OF CORNCOBS AND STARED AT FIRE." "( Roseanne laughing )" "IS THERE COFFEE?" "ISN'T THERE COFFEE EVERY MORNING?" "YES." "IN THE 15 YEARS WE'VE BEEN MARRIED," "HAS THERE EVER BEEN ONE MORNING WHERE THERE WASN'T ANY COFFEE?" "NO." "THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK ME EVERY MORNING IF THERE'S COFFEE?" "IS THERE TOAST?" "WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?" "OUR SCHOOL'S HAVING A FOOD DRIVE FOR POOR PEOPLE." "TELL THEM TO DRIVE SOME OF THAT FOOD OVER HERE." "YOU GUYS DIDN'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH." " WE DON'T HAVE TIME." " WE'LL MISS THE BUS." " HEY, YOU." " BYE." "All:" "BYE." "QUICK, THEY'RE GONE." "CHANGE THE LOCKS." "GET YOUR POPCORN, GET YOUR PEANUTS." "GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE AND HELP ME WITH THESE DAMN BAGS." "MOM, D.J.'S IN THE FRONT SEAT AND IT'S NOT HIS TURN." "ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT." "IN THE TRUNK WITH BOTH OF YA." "TELL HER TO GET OUT OF MY CHAIR." "Darlene:" "TELL HER I WAS HERE FIRST." "MOM, TELL HER SHE'S LYING." "D.J., TELL YOUR SISTERS TO SHUT UP." "SHUT UP." "GREAT, I'M JUST GONNA LOOK LIKE A FREAK, THAT'S ALL." " WHAT ELSE IS NEW?" " SHUT UP." "THIS IS WHY SOME ANIMALS EAT THEIR YOUNG." "YOU STAND ON THE END OF THE BOARD." "I'LL JUMP ON IT AND SHOOT YOU IN THE AIR, OKAY?" "OKAY." "READY?" "READY." "FREEZE RIGHT THERE." "WHAT'D I TELL YOU" "ABOUT KILLING YOUR BROTHER IN THE LIVING ROOM?" "OKAY, RULE NUMBER ONE:" "NO PAINTING IN THE HOUSE." "AND RULE NUMBER TWO:" "NO ANIMALS IN THE HOUSE." "RULE NUMBER THREE:" "NO-  ( crashing )" " Darlene:" "MOM!" "NO CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE." "MOTHER, FATHER, YOU'RE RIGHT." "I WAS A FOOL." "I'LL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN." "GOOD, NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CRUSH YOUR SKULL." "DO I HAVE TO GET DRESSED UP FOR THIS BORING DINNER?" "NO, WE'RE ALL DINING NAKED." "AGAIN?" "( car horn honking )" "HERE I COME." "HOW COME THEY NEVER RUN LIKE THAT WHEN I COME HOME?" "THEY DO, DAN, IT'S JUST IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION." "LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME YOU DIDN'T BUY THAT BELL." "I DIDN'T BUY THAT BELL." "( bell rings )" "( ringing bell )" "ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS." "IT TOLLS FOR THEE, BUTTHEAD." "THE ONLY THING YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS" "IS LAYING THERE WATCHING TV AND BUFFING OUT YOUR NAILS." "HOW DO THEY LOOK?" "OH." "FEEL THIS, BABY." "THERE'S A 200-POINT GAME" "PULSATING THROUGH THESE FINGERS." "LET'S NOT WASTE IT ON BOWLING." "REBECCA, YOUR FATHER'S WORDS ARE SAYING "GO HOME,"" "BUT HIS BODY IS SAYING" "THAT HE LOVES AND ADORES HIS SISTER-IN-LAW." "HEY, JACKIE." "READ THIS." "YOU KNEW WHEN YOU MARRIED ME THAT I HAD A SISTER." "YEAH, WELL, I DIDN'T THINK SHE'D BE HERE EVERY WEEKEND." "HELL, I DIDN'T THINK I'D BE HERE EVERY WEEKEND." "( yelling ) WE ARE A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY!" "( screaming )" "WELL, WE'RE GONNA BE AT THE BOWLING ALLEY," "AND CHIP'S GONNA BE AT THE BOWLING ALLEY." "WE'RE BOUND TO RUN INTO ONE ANOTHER." "PLEASE DON'T EMBARRASS ME." "PLEASE." "OH, HONEY, THERE'S NO WAY WE'D EMBARRASS YOU." "DAD, HOW DO I LOOK?" "BEAUTIFUL." "GUYS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL." "DAMN BEAUTIFUL." "THAT'S BETTER." "WHERE YOU BEEN?" "STANDING IN FRONT OF SOUTH ELEMENTARY GYM" "FOR THE LAST HOUR LOOKING FOR YOUR DAUGHTER." "MOM, I COULDN'T HELP IT." "THE BAND ROOM WAS LOCKED." "FOR 45 MINUTES?" "I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDNAPPED." "I WISH I HAD BEEN." "WELL, GO UP TO YOUR ROOM AND LEAVE THE WINDOW OPEN," "MAYBE YOU'LL GET LUCKY." "DID YOU GUYS GET IN A FIGHT?" "YES, WE DID." "HE WANTS TO KEEP YOU," "BUT I THINK WE SHOULD GIVE YOU AWAY." "GO WAKE UP YOUR SISTERS." "ALL RIGHT!" "OH!" " GO CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM." " IT'S CLEAN." "THEN GO CLEAN MY ROOM." "Roseanne:" "DON'T PICK THEM UP." "DARLENE'S SUPPOSED TO DO IT." "WHEE!" " WHAT'S THE MATTER, HON?" " DON'T CALL ME "HON."" " I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU HON FOR 15 YEARS." "LOOK, LADY!" " DON'T CALL ME "BABE" NEITHER!" "I WAS A GOOD WRESTLER IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL." "COACH USED TO CALL ME "DAMAGING DAN CONNOR."" "GOD, DON'T MAKE ME LISTEN TO THAT BORING STORY AGAIN." "( giggling )" "OOH!" "OH, OH!" "LOOK OUT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN." "IT'S A FRONT SUPLEX!" "NO, HE'S GOT HER OVER." "HE'S GOIN' FOR IT." "HE'S GOIN' FOR THE FIGURE FOUR." "HE'S BOUNCING OFF THE ROPES." "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" "HOLY COW, HE'S SETTING HER UP FOR A HEART PUNCH." "OH!" "IT'S ILLEGAL IN 30 STATES." "HOLY COW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," "ICE MAN DAN CONNOR HAS GONE BERSERK!" "HE'S SETTING HER UP." "HE'S GOT HER." "ONE, TWO, THREE." " DO YOU QUIT?" " ONE MORE." "FOUR." "ARE YOU EVER SORRY WE GOT MARRIED?" "EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE." "YOU'RE AN AMAZING WOMAN, KIDDO." "I KNOW AND IT ONLY TOOK YOU 15 YEARS TO FIGURE THAT OUT." "SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING." "SHE DOES GET CARRIED AWAY SOMETIMES." "SHE LOVES TO TELL EVERYBODY EXACTLY HOW TO LEAD THEIR LIVES." "WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING." "WELL, I DO!" "( Roseanne laughing )"