"In the last episode of Soap," "Billy ran into an old flame who is involved with a strange religious group and asked Billy if he'd like to get involved with them." "Billy just wants to get involved with her, but that may involve getting involved over his head." "The whole thing is very involved." "Eunice promised Dutch that she would find a lawyer who could spring him if Dutch promised her he would not try and spring himself." "Jodie and Danny got Sally to tell Mary the truth about her lying about Burt and herself, and now Mary believes that Sally lied and Burt didn't." "Jessica told Donohue that just because Chester was alive, it didn't mean that their romance was dead." "However, when she told Chester about her romance with Donohue, he almost died laughing, but what's happening with Corinne's baby is no laughing matter." "Confused?" "You won't be after tonight's episode of..." "Soap." "This is the story of two sisters," "Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell." "These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells." "And this is Soap." "Kirt-a-yamen Kirt-a-yamen" "Kirt-a-zidi" "Kirt-a-yamen" "Kirt-a-yamen Kirt-a-zidi" "Billy, what is that?" "What?" "What you were saying?" "New hit song, "Kirt-a-yamen Disco Fever."" "Oh." "Come on, I'll drop you off on my way to prison." "Eunice, when in the world are you going to stop seeing Dutch?" "Daddy, I love him." "Eunice, the man is in jail." "Well, so were you." "He has a record." "So do you." "He's a murderer." "So are you." "Well, that's different." "I was temporarily insane." "Was?" "Benson, what is this?" "Scrambled eggs." "They're not scrambled." "They're fried." "You're right." "I'd like them scrambled." "Well, you can't scramble fried eggs." "I know that." "They got scrambled eggs." "Well, that's because I didn't fry them first." "Begging the colonel's pardon." "Yes, major, what is it?" "That baby upstairs, I don't think it's a baby, sir." "I think it's a teeny little spy." "Uh, right, probably German." "Too teeny." "Probably Japanese." "I'll keep an eye on him, sir." "Morning, Gramps." "Oh, Corinne, how's my little grandson doing?" "I don't know." "This is going to sound crazy, but sometimes, he looks at me just like an adult would, like he's thinking." "Well, he's very smart." "Takes after me." "Yeah, chubby and wrinkled." "Benson." "Good morning." "Good morning, darling." "Oh, Corinne, I thought you were in the nursery." "I could have sworn I heard you singing." "It's him." "Who, dear?" "The baby." "I think he sings." "Well, he might hum, but I think he's too young to know the words." "I'm going to go check." "Oh, Benson, may I please have some scrambled eggs?" "Sure." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "Now, don't anyone get up." "I'll get it." "Jessica, what is going on?" "What do you mean, Chester?" "I don't know." "Eunice is in love with a murderer." "Billy sings to his food." "Corinne's husband is in a cave." "I go away for a few weeks, and all hell breaks loose, and now I understand that there's something the matter with the baby." "What?" "Something strange is happening with the baby." "Who?" "The baby, Jessica." "I don't understand." "The baby, the baby." "Well..." "Wh-why didn't you say so?" "Just excuse me one minute, please." "Hey there, how about some nice scrambled eggs?" "Poached eggs?" "Basted eggs?" "Benson..." "Hi." "Hi." "I just stopped by to say, "Hi."" "Hi." "And to see how you were." "Fine." "Oh, that's good." "Well, okay." "Not fine." "Okay." "Okay is good." "Mm-hmm." "It's not fine." "It's okay." "Yes." "I love you." "I love you too." "You know, there's only one thing" "I want in this world, more than my happiness:" "Yours." "So if you're happy with him, and that's what you want, don't worry about me." "I'll disappear." "No, I..." "Stuffed eggs?" "No." "Pickled eggs?" "Benson, Benson." "Well." "Well, well, well." "Hello, Mr. Tate." "Mr. Donohue." "Well, I guess you two want to talk, so I'll just go." "No, please." "I'll go." "I insist." "I insist." "No, I was just leaving." "I was leaving." "Why don't both of you leave together?" "No, no, please." "I'll go." "Goodbye, Jessica." "You really do care for him, don't you?" "Yes." "I guess I just didn't want to believe it." "What's going to happen, Jess?" "I don't know." "I can't believe it." "You're in love with another man." "You see, Chester, he makes me feel the way you did 20 years ago." "I feel loved and wanted and needed." "You used to make me feel that way, but you don't anymore." "You see, he's not another man." "You are." "I can be that way again, Jess." "I know it." "Give me a chance." "I'll be everything I used to be." "I promise." "A gay girl?" "He's living with a gay girl?" "She's really nice." "What is it with him?" "I just got used to a gay guy." "Now he's got a gay girl." "I never met a gay girl." "Burt, just act normal." "Me, normal?" "Your gay son's coming home with a gay girl, and I should act normal?" "Guys, girls." "Everybody's gay." "If he ever gets a pet, I'm sure it will be a gay dog." "She's really nice." "You're going to like her." "You'll see." "I can't wait." "A gay girl." "I wear a red shirt, you wear a red shirt." "I wear green trousers, you wear green trousers." "I'm sick of it." "It's for the act, Bob." "[LAUGHS] Act, schmact." "You've got no imagination." "Bob..." "Listen, and another thing." "I'm sick and tired of you following me around all the time." "No kidding." "Every time I turn around, there you are." "I need my space." "Chuck, Jodie's bringing home a girl tonight..." "A girl?" "What is he, trying to see how the other half lives?" "She's gay." "Oh, then I guess" "I can't tell my joke about Holland." "There'll be none of that tonight." "[DOORBELL RINGS]" "They're here." "They're here." "Here they are." "They're here." "Burt." "Relax." "What, relaxed?" "I'm perfectly relaxed." "I'm fine." "You can't see that?" "I'm fine." "Hi." "Hi, Ma." "Burt." "Hey, fine." "Pfft!" "You must be Alice." "Pleased to meet you." "Um, this is Burt." "Hi, Burt." "Hey, Al." "How you doing?" "That's Chuck." "Hi, Chuck." "Hi, Alice." "Ahem." "And of course you remember Danny." "Of course." "Hi, Brother Danny." "Hey, Alice." "Ahem." "Ahem." "So these must be the Campbells." "Ahe-ahe-ahem!" "Alice, that's uh..." "Bob." "How do you do, Alice?" "I've heard a lot about you." "[LAUGHS]" "Um, why don't we all sit down?" "That's a good idea." "So." "So, uh..." "So." "So I hear you're a lesbo, huh?" "Chuck, one more word and he's Lincoln logs." "Got it?" "I, uh," "I think I'd better check dinner." "Uh, can I help you?" "Sure." "Ah, sit down, Alice." "That's woman's work." "That's it." "Come on." "If he stays, he's sawdust." "Hey, listen, uh, did you ever notice how homosexuals have no sense of humor?" "Hey, she's really, uh, she's really cute." "Yeah." "Yeah, I told you." "What a waste." "She's not really gay..." "a cute girl like that." "She's really gay..." "a cute girl like that." "No, no, no." "Jodie, I think you could change all that." "Danny, I think all she needs is a little, uh, heh, heh, "you know."" "Yeah." "Yeah, right." "Just one good "you know" and that's all." "Yeah." "No, Burt." "Yeah, Jodie, believe me." "One good "you know" and that's it." "It didn't work with me." "Maybe you didn't get a good one." "[PHONE RINGS]" "I'll get it." "[PHONE RINGS]" "Hello?" "Yeah, okay, hold on just a second." "Danny, it's for you." "Thanks." "All right." "Yeah?" "What?" "When?" "Now, where was that?" "Are you sure it was them?" "Yeah, yeah, sure." "Smith  Wesson .38." "Ah, Mrs. Kreitzburg lost her little puppy... on Smith Street," "Around 38th... and Wesson." "Yeah." "Yeah, I got about six rounds." "Must be a vicious little puppy." "Thanks a lot, Cheech." "I owe you one." "Tell Ma I'll see her later." "All right, come on." "Danny!" "Come on, don't." "I gotta." "He's going after the kidnappers." "I know." "I'm going with you." "Me too." "No, you're not." "We'll all go." "No way." "We probably shouldn't all go and get killed." "Somebody should stay and take care of your mother." "Fine." "You stay." "No, I'm going." "You stay." "I'm going." "Okay, fine." "We'll choose." "What do you take, odds or evens?" "Come on, Burt." "Odds or evens?" "Odds." "One, two, three, shoot." "Evens." "You live." "Sorry." "Be careful, huh?" "Yeah." "Give my apologies to your girl." "Where is everybody?" "Uh..." "Uh, Chuck and Bob left." "Well, I don't care about Chuck and Bob." "Where's Danny?" "Where's Burt?" "Uh, Mrs. Kreitzburg called, said she lost her puppy, and they went to find him." "Mrs. Kreitzburg doesn't have a puppy." "Poor woman, she lives down the block." "Just lost her husband." "Right, her husband." "She lost her husband." "Not her puppy." "Her husband died." "Oh, then in that case, they should be right back." "[GHOSTLY SCREAM]" "Yoo-hoo!" "Is he up?" "He never went to sleep." "Oh..." "[HIGH-PITCHED] Hello, wittle boy." "Come to Gwamma." "Oh, what a big boy." "Oh, look at that, Benson." "He knows me." "Look at his smile." "That's gas." "I don't understand it." "He never cries." "He never sleeps." "He doesn't do anything babies do." "Oh, yes, he does." "Oh." "CHESTER:" "Benson?" "BENSON:" "Huh?" "I thought you fixed the lights." "Well, there's nothing to fix." "What do you mean, there's nothing to fix?" "I had the electrician here, and he said everything was fine." "Everything's fine?" "Well, obviously it is not fine, Benson, so get him back." "Benson, what do you think you're doing?" "What are you talking about?" "You hit me." "Are you crazy?" "Jessica, Benson hit me." "Well, if he did, darling," "I'm sure he had a good reason." "I didn't hit you." "You did." "I didn't." "You did." "Didn't, didn't, didn't." "Did, did, did." "Boys, boys." "I didn't hit you." "I've always wanted to, but I didn't." "[HEAVY BREATHING]" "Gee, the baby sounds a little wheezy." "I'll turn on the vaporizer." "Aah!" "Aah!" "Isn't he a beautiful baby, Chester?" "Yes, he is, Jessica." "He's beautiful." "CORINNE:" "I think he looks like Tim." "No, I think he looks like you." "Oh." "Oh, I think he looks like me." "Hello, hello." "How's my boy today, huh?" "Oh!" "Oh, Chester." "Here, Daddy." "Perhaps he, uh, hasn't accepted me yet." "I'll just go clean up." "Help!" "Help!" "Benson, what are you doing?" "That damn thing tried to kill me." "Come on, Benson." "No, I swear." "It tried to choke me." "Jessica," "I think Benson needs a vacation." "[DEEP VOICE] You're a jerk." "Now, Benson, whatever you may think of Mr. Tate, if you want a vacation, keep it to yourself." "Did you say that?" "No." "Didn't you?" "No." "Then who said that?" "Oh, my God." "[DEEP VOICE] Don't say that." "I hate that." "What did you see on the other side?" "The other side of this side." "Danny, come on." "This is ridiculous." "We've been here for hours and nothing's moving around that farmhouse, except maybe a couple of ducks." "Are you sure this is where they're supposed to be?" "Pretty sure." "We've just got to give it some time." "Some time?" "The corn's grown a foot since we've been here." "Look, Burt, I'll tell you what." "I'll go down there and take a look around." "Danny, wait a minute here." "They're killers." "They'll shoot you." "Don't worry." "They won't shoot me." "Oh, fine, what, you're going to shoot them?" "If they shoot me, I'll shoot them." "If they shoot you first, you won't get a chance to shoot." "I'll shoot them before they shoot me." "And if they weren't going to shoot you, you will have shot them." "Burt, don't worry." "I'll be careful." "What time have you got?" "9:15." "All right, synchronize your watch." "If I'm not back by 9:30, go for help." "All right, 9:30." "Danny, bring back some corn." "Ti..." "[SCREAMS]" "Okay, Yogi, I've got you." "Tim!" "What?" "It's me." "Corinne!" "God, I thought you were a bear." "A bear?" "There's this family of bears, see?" "They'll do anything for this cave." "I think it might have been theirs." "Maybe they were on vacation in Yellowstone when I moved in." "They're trying to get it back." "Are you all right?" "Here, pull up a rock." "Sit down." "It's so good to see you." "I'm going crazy up here with no one to talk to." "And there's nothing to do." "I've read all my books and the television..." "it doesn't work." "I need cable up here." "Boy, you look pretty." "Look at you." "I forgot how pretty you are." "Oh, Corinne!" "The bears?" "No, you..." "your stomach." "It's gone." "Oh." "I had the baby, Tim." "You had the baby?" "A..." "A girl?" "A boy?" "What?" "A boy." "A boy?" "Boy." "Oh, boy." "A boy, huh?" "I'm sure the parents must be proud." "There are a few problems, Tim." "Mm-hmm, I'm sure there are few problems." "I mean, there are lots of problems with babies." "Why do you think Dr. Spock wrote the book?" "Tim, he's possessed." "Oh, come on, Corinne." "No, he really is." "He talks." "Talks?" "Sentences." "You've got to come home." "Come on, Corinne." "You come up here and tell me that a baby who isn't even mine is possessed and I've got to come home?" "No." "I've come up here to make my peace with God, and I can't..." "Make your peace with God?" "Well, let me tell you something." "You haven't got a chance in hell of making your peace with God if you don't... make your peace with the people who count on you." "You've got a son down there, Timothy Flotsky." "He's yours, and he's nobody else's, and he's in trouble." "So quit hiding in your cave, and get off your... mountain, and... and come down and help your son." "And maybe then you'll have your chance of making your peace with God." "Let's go." "Just help me lock up the cave." "9:30." "Come on, Danny." "What's going on down there?" "Nothing." "Even the ducks are gone." "That's it." "[ENGINE REVVING]" "What's that?" "[BEEPING]" "[BEEPING]" "Burt." "[MUFFLED SHRIEK]" "Guess what?" "Wrong house." "I almost got shot anyway, though, because I kicked in the door to surprise them, and wound up surprising some guy and his girlfriends." "Something, uh, something the matter, Burt?" "Did you see it?" "I saw enough to get that guy pretty upset." "No, no, no, no." "The spaceship." "Did you see that spaceship?" "What?" "What, what?" "The spaceship." "It was right over there." "A spaceship." "[IMITATES SPACESHIP NOISES]" "Huh?" "Didn't you see it?" "No, Burt." "I never saw..." "Dan, I never saw anything like it." "I mean, the lights, the noise, it..." "It started the truck." "You were dreaming, Burt." "Danny, please, what are you talking about, dreaming?" "I was standing right here." "All right, you fell asleep, and you dreamed it." "Danny, I was awake." "I was not dreaming." "I saw it." "It was... here, Danny." "Hey, but, Danny, believe me," "I wouldn't kid you about something like this." "I saw a spaceship." "It was right over there and it went... pbbt!" "Pfft!" "Come on, Burt." "Let's go home." "What home?" "We can't go home." "No." "They might come back." "No, we've got to go home and get some help." "You're right." "Out of here." "I'll call that doctor that helped you when you thought you were invisible." "Maybe he's good with spaceships too." "We don't need a doctor." "We need the Air Force." "Let's go." "Will Danny ever find Elaine's kidnappers?" "Will Alice ever have dinner at the Campbells' again?" "When Tim gets home, will he find that the baby is really possessed, or will he find that it just possesses a morbid sense of humor?" "Will Chester ever have what he used to have with Jessica, or will Donohue have what Chester used to have?" "Or does he already have it?" "Will anyone ever believe that Burt saw a flying saucer?" "Would you?" "These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of..." "Soap." "Soap is videotaped before a studio audience." "[♪]"