"This is going to be very expesive experiment." "I'm really winging a lot of it, that's the fucked up part of it." "What did you think of the skipping?" "He's pretty much the best person on all the roasts." "He's always the funniest, always the most underrated and I'm glad to see him live." "Love him." "We reaaally really love him." "Whatever you do, don't suck." "Strap 'em on!" "Ready for some funnyness." ""Okey,bye."" "Not on camera!" "This is all, this is fucking professional back here!" "Sorry you had to see that." "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Greg Giraldo!" "Thank you!" "Thank you!" "All right!" "Thanks a lot." "Thank you all very much." "Thank you!" "Thanks." "I better not suck." "New York City, this is great, man." "This is..." "I love living here doing shows here, shit, the characters that we see in this city every single day..." "I was in the subway the other day, and there were these homeless guys singing acapella." "Happy as shit." "They're homeless singing acapella, shaking a cup." "I thought, how did these guys even meet?" "You know..." "It's hard enough to form a band, when you have a house and a phone and all that kind of shit." "How do you bump into other acapella enthusiasts, when you're out there on a homeless trail?" "You think you just sit around a shelter one day:" ""I need some crack."" ""Me tooo."" ""Me threee."" "People talk to each other in this city in a way that's just not normal." "I was stopped at the light the other day and these two guys were unloading a truck," "One guy looks at the other guy and goes:" ""Hakuna matata motherfucker, from the motherfucking Lion King!"" ""Hakuna matata motherfucker!"" "What could've possibly preceded that part of the conversation?" "What kind of "what's-your-favorite-Disney-cartoon-song" debate ends up with "hakuna matata" and "motherfucker" in the same sentence?" "That must have just build all day long, you know?" ""Nah, that song sucks, man, I like the other one, the 'Under the see, under the see.'"" ""Nah, man, hakuna matata."" ""Don't be a fuckin' pussy, all right?" "It's 'Under the see, under the see.'"" ""Hakuna matata, motherfucker!"" "I was in the subway the other day, and this guy screams across the tracks." "He screams across the tracks, he goes:" ""Yo Monica!" "Yo Monica, yo, you got AIDS, yo."" "And I thought:" "Wow, that's how they tell ya?" "That Michael Moore is right, we have the worst fucking healthcare system." "Up in Canada, they call up probably, maybe an e-mail or something?" "They don't just hire a Puerto Rican kid to scream across the tracks." "What kind of shitty way is that to get health news?" ""Yo Greg, your cholestrol is high, son!"" "Thank you Hector!" "Thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule of barbeque-ing on the shoulder of cross Bronx expressway." "Bringing me up the speed on my health status." "You have the Puerto Rican Day parade here in NY, every summer." "That's pretty exiting right?" "Everybody is so proud of their ethnicity in this city, all over the country, people are so proud of what they are." "What are you?" "What are you?" "But here in NY you've got to have a parades every two hours in the summer." "Everyone's proud, they've got to march to show how proud they are you know?" "It's like five hours of gridlock every weekend, because it's the Albanian Patron Saint of Cabbages High Holy Fiest Day or some shit." "You gotta sit there waiting forever, you're missing your appointments, because five fat guys in sweatsuits have to walk a paper-maché cabbage God up and down 5th avenue." "But Puerto Rican Day parade tough is great, that is a great parade, the Puerto Rican Day parade." "But you never hear the good things, all you hear is the negative things." "But what about the positive empowering messages, particulary to women that come from that parade." "Like you're never to fat to wear a tube top." "I think that's a message that has to be heard." "You always hear girls feel bad about their bodies, because they have to compare themselves to these anorectic actresses and everything, but there seem to be girls out there in that parade that don't... you know they seem immune to that shit, I don't know." "They are like: "My sex(?" ") looks good." "My sex(?" ") looks good."" "Even if they're 300 pounds they don't have to rule out the denim micro mini skirt," "They hop on the back of their boyfriend's Ninja motorcycle, with their asshole hoisted up in the air." "Thong is sticking out." "It's not even one thong, it's like three thongs all knoted together." "Yeah, it's an amazing, amazing city." "People are so crazy and resilient..." "A plane crashes here in Hudson river." "A plane crashes in the Hudson!" "And for the rest of the country, this is like a heroic deed, you know." "Here in NY, it's like: "What the fuck?" "Something is...traffic?" "...some dude...?" "... ...something crashed in Connecticut or some shit...he's got a..."" "Even after 9/11, we did shows almost right away, we started doing shows really quickly, in the clubs around the city." "Some parts of the city, there wasn't even electricity in some parts of the city, the subway didn't even go there, we started doing shows in these clubs, because people seemed to want to come out, they seemed to want to laugh," "and, I couldn't believe it, you know, it was right after 9/11 and there were already people in the audience, bachelorettes, bachelorette parties." "And I thought:" "Holy shit, you know, I never thought that I would be proud to see a pack of drunken Jersey girls, with condoms on their heads" "I thought:" "Shit, they are never gonna change the american way of life, they just knocked down the World Trade Center, but they couldn't stop this gaggle of squocking twats from going on their penis-related paraphinelia shopping spree," "buying their dick straws and condom hats, and their "A HARD man is GOOD to find" T-shirts and piling into that limo." ""We're going Gina, it's your day, it's your special day."" ""We're going into the city, we're going into the fucking city, it's your special day."" ""I don't care what those fucking Mexicans did, we're going into the city."" "You know, when I travel around a lot and I sometimes I can't tell the different kinds of sense of humor." "When people are too nice" "I don't know if they're fucking with me or if they know me from the Roast and trying to roast me?" "I was checking into the hotel recently and the girl behind the counter says:" ""We need to get you in the handicapped room."" "And I'm like...all right..." "Zinger!" "But it turned out she was trying to hook me up with a bigger room like, in this hotel, the handicapped room is like the big room." "That's how you know you're staying at some quality places." "When the handicapped room is their version of the presidental suite." ""Your room is ready, sir."" "But, you know I didn't really appreciate it enough at the time, so every time I walk past her I felt like I had to really show some appreciation, so I'm like:" "Thank you!" "Thank you, what a room!" "Thanks." "It really is everything you said it would be and more." "I never imagined that one day, I might shit with my feet three inches of the ground." "Very nice." "That little waist-height peephole is very helpful." "Oh Hey!" "These balls don't seem threathning at all, come on in." "Oh are you housekeeping?" "Come on in." "How come when you put the do not disturb on the door that doesn't seem to apply to the housekeeping?" ""Housekeeping!" "Housekeeping!"" "I have the fucking do not disturb sign on." ""Housekeeping!"" "Who else is it intented for?" "Pretty much you are the only person I thought might swing by." "I'm in the fucking hotel, it's not like I invited a whole crew of people to come over and then changed my mind at the last minute" "Nah you know what, on the other hand." "I've got a bunch of old friends coming over at 7 am." "You know what?" "Maybe not." "I saw one of those Hummers, the giant Hummer cars with a handicapped tags on it." "I didn't realize that being an asshole was technically a handicap." "But who knows?" "When I was in the handicapped room I slipped and almost fell in the handicapped shower." "How ironic would that have been, to become handicapped, while staying in a handicapped room?" ""Sorry sir, you'll never walk again."" "Well, ordinarily, I'd be upset, but I'm all hooked up with a place to crash for a next couple of days, so I'm pretty cool with it, you know, it takes the edge of a little bit." "We're gonna hear a lot about energy policy, we need cut our dependence on foreign oil." "Cut our dependence on foreign oil." "How do you think we're gonna do that?" "Drive small cars?" "Do you think we're gonna drive small cars in America?" "Of course not." "We can't." "We can't do it." "We'll never drive small cars, we can't do it, because we have big fat kids." "Big fat fucking waddling weebles." "Have you been at DisneyWorld in a last 10 years and seen these bags of shit, wheezing and waddling?" "All fucking red-faced and sweaty." "You are not supposed to be winded when you're nine and you're on flat ground."