"[Man Narrating] As the 2 1st centurybegan... human evolution was at a turning point." "Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest... the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest... a process which had once favored the noblest traits ofman... now began to favor different traits." "[ Reporter] TheJoey Buttafuoco case" "Most science fiction ofthe day predicted a future that was more civilized... and more intelligent." "But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction." "A dumbing down." "How did this happen?" "Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence." "With no natural predators to thin the herd... it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... and left the intelligent to become an endangered species." "Havi ng kids is such an important decision." "We're just waiting for the right time." "It's not something you want to rush into, obviously." "No way." "Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again!" "Shit!" "I got too many damn kids!" " I thought you was on the pill or some shit!" " Hell, no!" "Shit!" "I must've been thinkin' of Brittany." "Brittany?" "No, you didn't!" " There's no waywe could have a child now." " Mm-mm." "Not with the market the way it is, no." "God, no." "That just wouldn't make any sense." "Come on over here, bitch!" "He don't care aboutyou!" "Yeah?" "Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here." " She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!" " Clevon!" "Oh, shit." "It wasn't me!" "It wasn't me!" "Well, we finally decided to have children... and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well." "And this is helping." "I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybeyou should bewilling to" "It's always me, right?" "Well, it's not my sperm count." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "I'm gonna fuck all y'all!" "That's my boy!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Clevon is lucky to be alive." "He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake... into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate." "But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research... and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler..." "Clevon should regain full reproductive function." "Getyour hands off myjunk!" "Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack... while masturbating... to produce sperm for artificial insemination." "But I have some eggs frozen... so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know" "[ Clevon Shouting]" "[ Narrator] Andso it went forgenerations... although few, ifany, seemed to notice." "But in theyear 2005, in a military base just outside ofWashington, D.." "C.... a simple army librarian was unknowingly... about to change the entire course ofhuman history." "Come on, asshole!" "Go on!" "Take him to jail!" "Hey, Bauers." "This is Peterson, your new replacement." " Mywhat?" "I'm gettin' replaced?" " Yeah, they didn't tell you?" " No." " Some new assignment." "They're being all weird and hush-hush about it." "I don't want a new assignment." "I tell Sergeant Metslerthat everytime." " I'm good at this." " Good at what?" "Sittin' on ass?" "No one ever comes in here." "Yeah, I know." "It's perfect for me." "No one bothers me." "I can't screw up." "Ifl canjust staying here another eightyears, I get mypension." "I'm all set." "Can you just get me out of this?" "No way." "Not this time." "It's coming from high up." "Jesus." "I don't understand." "Why me?" "Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out ofthe way," I get out ofthe way." "When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out ofthe way."" "It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following." "That doesn't embarrass me." "Look,Joe." "You don't have a choice." "You're just gonna have to follow." "Like, follow me upstairs, like, now." "Right now?" "Shouldn't I train this guy?" "I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day." "Let's go." "[Man ] Gentlemen, meetJoe Bauers... our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment." "Now, as you know, throughout the years... many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle." "With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save ourbest men... frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most." "Joe, here, is not one ofour best men." "Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is." "Extremely average in every category." "Remarkable, truly." "The most average person in our entire armed forces." "Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried... is an only child, and both parents are deceased... making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... should something go wrong with the experiment." "We hada little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within ourranks... and were forced to look into the private sector." "This is Rita." "LikeJoe, she has no immediate family." "Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee." "We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with herpimp... a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly" "With two D.'s, as he says, for a double dose ofthis pimping." "U pgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... with the local authorities in running his pimp game." "First, however, there was the difficult challenge ofgaining his trust." "Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?" "Sure." "Let me just fi nish here." "You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square." "Collins!" "Fine." "We'll move on." "It is a fascinating world though." "Jesus, Collins." "Yeah, that's-- [ Clears Throat ]" "Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... are to be placed into a dry freeze... for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow." "As you know, this is highly classified." "However, ifsuccessful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely." "So this is kinda crazy, huh?" " What unit are you with?" " Oh, I ain't in the service." "Oh, private sector." "Okay." " So, uh, what do you do?" " A little ofthis, a little ofthat." "Wow, that's great." "You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way-- doing a little ofthis anda little ofthat." "I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen." "He used to make chainsaw sculptures... and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market." "Yeah." "So, uh, you an artist or somethin'?" " Uh, yeah." " You do paintings or" " Yeah, paintings." " Okay, great." " Mm-hmm." " What do you paint mostly?" "I don't know, just..." "people and fruit and shit." "Wow." "Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love." "[ Scoffs ] Yeah." "It's not all it's cracked up to be." " [D.oorOpens ] - [ Collins ] Who wants to go first?" "Me." " [ Machinery Whirring]" " What the f" " Oh, hell, no." "Uh-uh." "Hey, no." "You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all." " What's the matter?" " Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!" "Oh, no, don't worry about it." "It'll be safe." "Trust me." "Who's Upgrayedd?" "He's my boyfriend." "Man, how doyou know this shit's safe?" "These guys know what they're doing." "Don't worry." "They've tested it on dogs and everything." "What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift offto sleep... we wake up in a year, you'll be painting' again." " It'll be fine." " All right." "Upgrayedd." "That's an interesting name." "Is he Dutch?" "See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student." "His name was Untgrad." "Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here." "Just go ahead and lie down." "Relax." "[ Equipment Beeping ]" "Seeyou in a year." "[Narrator] The Human Hibernation Project... was one ofthe army's most ambitious experiments... and one of its most secretive." "But it was not immune from human error." "Freeze!" "[ Groans ]" "Soon after Collins 's arrest and the massive scandal that followed... the base was closed." "It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten." "Things looked bleak forJoe, but they were even worse for mankind." "As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed... and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate." "Some had high hopes that genetic engineering... would correct this trend in evolution." "But sadly, the greatest minds and resources... were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections." "[ Orangutan Chattering ]" "Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline... until humanity was incapable ofsolving even its most basic problems." "Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever..." "leading to the Great Garbage A valanche of2505... which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever." "[ Backup Warni ng Beeping ]" " Hold on." " [ Man On TV] Next, on The Violence Channel... an all-new Ow!" "My Balls!" "[ Screaming ]" " All right. [ Chuckling ] - [ Beeping ]" " [ Snarling ] - [ Screaming ]" "[ Chuckling ]" "[ Groans ]" "[ Man Watching TV] That guygot hit in the balls." "Ow, my balls!" " [ Groans ] - [ Man On TV Screaming ]" "Huh?" "[ Groaning ]" " [TV:" "Tires Squealing, Man Screaming] - [ Man Watching TV Laughs ]" " [Joe ] Where's" " Hold on." "Shut up!" "[ Man Laughing]" "[ Tires Squealing ]" " Where's Officer Collins?" " Shut up!" "[ Man On TV] Next week on Ow!" "My Balls!" ", Hormel goes to Paris!" " Are we on base?" " I'm gonna base your ass on my fist." "In your face, ass!" "Shut up." "I'm sorry." "It'sjust-- Where am I?" "Shut up!" "I told you already!" "[ Flushes ]" "Yeah!" "Wouldn't shut up!" "Come in here and not shut up." "Yeah,you were like, "I'm not shutting'up, "and I was like" "[ Narrator] Unaware ofwhatyearit was..." "Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help." "But the English language had deteriorated... into a hybrid ofhillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts." " Joe was able to understand them..." " [ I ndisti nct ] but when he spoke in an ordinary voice... he sounded pompous and faggy to them." "[ Man On P.A. ] Paging D.oc-- [ Slurring ]" "Report to, uh" "D.r. Lueboo... uh, report." " Your floor" " Your floor is now clean." " [ Beeping ]" "Your floor-- Your floor is now clean." "Yourfloor-- Yourflooris now clean." "Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well." "I think it might have been the drugs they had me on." "I've been hallucinating." "Myheadisjust killin'me." "My-My-Myjoints are all achyandl" "Is this a hospital or" " Actually, I don't even know where I am." " [ Beeps ]" "[ Electronic Voice ] Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right..." " and have a healthy day!" " Oh." "Thanks." "Thankyou!" "U h, 'scuse me." "I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'." " I was just looking for some regularwater." " Water?" " Yeah." " You mean like in the toilet?" "What for?" "You know,just to drink." "[ Laughing ]" "[ Continues Laughing ]" " [Electronic Tune] - [Electronic Voice ] You've got hepatitis!" "Oh, is someone not feeling well?" "Yourillness is veryimportant to us." " [ Man ] Next." " [ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno..." " powered byJormi Technology." " U h, this goes i n your mouth." "This one goes in your ear." "And this one goes in your butt." "Come on." " Hurry up, asshole!" " Come on!" " [ Beeping]" " Shit." "Hang on a second." "This one" " No." " Hey, come on." " Uh" " Hurry up!" " This one." "This one goes in your mouth." "Come on!" "[ Electronic Voice ] Thankyou forwaiting." "D.r. Lexus will be withyou shortly." "That's a weird misprint." "Hey." "How's it hang, ese?" "Yeah." "Right." "Well, not so good, you know." "I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things." "I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on." "But, ifyou could, uh,just get me well enough to get back to base" "Right." "Kick ass." "Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin'... but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up." "You talk like a fag, andyour shit's all retarded." "What I 'd do is just like, like, you know..." "like,you know what I mean?" "Like-- [ Chuckles ]" " No, I'm serious here." " [ Chuckles ] Don't worry, scrot." "Now there are plenty of'tards out there living really kick-ass lives." "Myfirst wife was 'tarded." "She's a pilot now." "I need foryou to be serious for a second here, okay?" "I need help." "There's that fag talk we talked about." "All right, so that'll be..." "this many dollars." "And ifyou couldjust go ahead and, like, putyour tattoo in that shit." "That's weird." "This thing has the same misprint as that magazine." " What are the odds of" " Where's your tattoo?" "Tattoo?" "Whydon'tyou have this?" "Oh, God." " Where'syourtattoo?" " Oh, my God." "Whycomeyou don't have a tattoo?" " [Joe ] Oh, my God!" " You're not unscannable, areyou?" "Oh, my God!" " You're unscannable." " [ Alarm Wailing ]" " Unscannable!" " No!" "No, you don't understand!" "You gotta let me talk to someone in the army!" "Wait a second." "They're all dead." "Everybody I know's dead!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh!" " [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ]" " No!" "Stop!" "Calm down!" " Calm down!" "Calm down!" " How'd this happen?" " How did it happen?" " [Alarm Continues ]" " Yourflooris now clean." "Your floor is now clean." "[ Narrator] Joe had awakened to a world in crisis." "The economywas in a state ofdeep neglect." "A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies." "And the number one movie in the country was called Ass." "[ Al I Laughing ]" "And that's all it was for 90 minutes." "[ Movie:" "Farting ]" "It won eight Oscars thatyear, including best screenplay." "[ Electronic Voice ] Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries." "You didn't gimme no fries." "I got an empty box." "Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries?" "I said I didn't get any." "[Electronic Voice ] Thankyou." "Youraccount has been charged." "Your balance is zero." " What?" "Oh, no." "No!" " Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase." " [ Beeping ]" " I'm sorryyou're having trouble." " Come on!" "My kids are starvin'." " I'm sorryyou're having trouble." "[ Buzzes ]" "This should helpyou calm down." "Please come backwhen you can afford to make a purchase." "Your kids are starving." "Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry." "You are an unfit mother." "Your children will be placed in the custody ofCarl'sJr." "Carl's J r." ""Fuckyou." "I'm eating."" "Welcome to Carl's J r." "Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco... now with more molecules?" "Hey!" "Is this particular individual the unfit mother?" " Me?" "No." " Okay." "This particular individual is unscannable." "Listen, I can explain, okay?" "I was in an army experiment." "Wait a second." "There's the otherpod from the armyexperiment." "There was a girl." "She was from the same experiment." " Yeah, that's enough ofyour bullshit, sir." " [ Groaning ]" "[ Narrator]Joe was arrested fornot paying his hospital bill... and not having his U.P.C.. tattoo." "He would soon discover that in the future,justice was not only blind... but had become rather retarded as well." "You shut up!" "Now-- [ Clears Throat ]" "I 'm fixing' to commensurate this trial here." "We gonna see ifwe can't come up with a verdict up in here." "Now, sincey'all sayyou ain't got no money... we have "proprietarily" obtained for you... one ofthem court-appointed lawyers." "So, putyour hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo." "You're my lawyer?" "Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital?" " Why'd you do that?" " Yeah." "I 'm not guilty." " That's not what the other lawyer said." " What do you mean what the" "Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay?" "I can explain everything." "We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod." "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "Now, prosecutor, whyyou think he done it?" "Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him." "[ All Laughing ]" " He talks like a fag too." " [ Laughing Continues ]" "And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence... ofhow, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital." "Andl heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo." " [ Crowd Grumbling]" " I know!" "And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me." But check this out, man." "Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace." "[ Crowd Cheering ]" " Objection!" " What areyou objectifyin' on?" " Come on.Just get me on the stand." " Okay." " Um, Your Honor?" " Hmm?" "I object... that this guy also broke my apartment to shit." " Yeah." " What?" "And you know what else?" "I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me... afterhe pays back all the money he stole from the hospital!" "Don't say I stole." "You're my lawyer." "And I object." "I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow!" "My Balls!" " [ All Booing ]" " That is not okay!" "And I rest my case!" "Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir." " I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up." " [ All Laughing ]" " Please, listen." " "Please, listen."" " [ All Laughing ]" " I didn't steal anything." "I was part ofan army experiment" "[Narrator] Joe statedhis case logicallyandpassionately... but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales ofstupid laughter." " Guilty!" " [ Crowd Cheering ]" "Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiffsentence." "Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession... was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons." "was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons." "[ Female Voice ] Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance." "Please say the name of the person you wish to call." "Upgrayedd." "There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd." "Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection." " Man, what?" " Oh, yeah, baby." "Hey, look, can you just-- can you wait a second, please?" "Oh, yeah, baby." "I can wait so good." "Really?" "Think, uh--You think maybe you could wait a day?" "Baby, I can wait two days." "Huh." "That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby." "Thankyou very much, young man." "What the fuck?" "Goddamn, shit's changed in a year." "What are we doin' here?" "Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo." "[ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America." "Please insertyour forearm into the forearm receptacle." " Thankyou." " [Mechanical Whirring]" "Please speakyour name as it appears on your current federal identity card" " Document number G24L8." " I'm not sure if" "You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure?" " No, it's not correct." " [ D.ings ]" "Thankyou. "Not" is correct." "Is "Sure" correct?" " No, it's not." "My name is Joe-- - [ Beeping]" "You've already confirmed your first name is Not." " Please confirmyourlast name, "Sure. "" " My" " My last name is not Sure." " [ D.ings ]" " Thankyou, Not Sure." " No." "What I mean is my name is Joe." "Confirmation is complete." "Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm." " Wait a second." "Can we start over?" "Can I cancel this?" " [ Buzzing ]" "Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning?" "They're gonna tat-- Ow." "Could I speak toyour supervisor?" " Ow!" " Please hold still foryour photograph." " [ Whirring ] - [ Beeping ]" "Oh, that's fuckin' great." "Okay, sir... now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests." "What for?" "Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at... andgetyou ajailjob while you're being a particularindividual injail." "[ Electronic Voice ] Ifyou have one bucket that holds two gallons... and another bucket that holds five gallons... how many buckets do you have?" "Two?" "Thankyou." "[Man Singing]" "[ Continues ]" "'Too." "[ Continues ]" "[ No Audible Dialogue ]" "[ Ends ]" "[ Narrator] D.esperate and scared..." "Joe used his superior intelligence... to come up with the best escape plan he could think of." "Hi." "Excuse me." "I 'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir." "Yeah." "You're in the wrong line, dumb ass." "Over there." "I'm sorry." "I am being a big dumb ass." "Sorry." "Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through." "[ Beeping ]" "[ Warning BuzzerBuzzing]" "[D.oorCloses ]" " 'Too." " Yeah." "Got it." "[ Beeping ]" "Uh, yeah, I don't seeyou in here." "So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison." "Could you check again?" "'Cause, I was, you know-- I was definitely in prison, okay?" "I got sat on my face and everything." "Maybe check those files back there?" " [Alarm Blaring] - [ Electronic Voice ] "Excape. " "Excape. "" ""Excape. " "Excape. "" ""Excape. " "Excape. "" "[ Man Singing ]" "[ Ends ]" "[ Man ] The Masturbation Network." "Keepi n' America 'bati n' for 3 00 years." " And now, Sweet Bang Tube." " [ Squeaking On TV ]" " Oh, yeah, give me some." "Cut me a piece." " [ Squeaking Continues ]" " Oh,yeah, that's-- - [ Knocking]" "Go away!" "'Batin'!" "[ Knocking Continues ]" "Damn it." " [ Knocking]" " All right." "Hey." "Hey, get out of here." "Hey, get out of here!" "No, wait, listen." "You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail." "So?" "Shut up, 'causeyou broke my house." "Hey, I could haveyou disbarred-- disbarred-- forwhatyou did to me." "Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, really." "Now, look." "Okay, here's the deal." "I've been thinking." "It's been 500 years." "Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now." "You know, I think theywere pretty close even in my day." "You know?" " With Einstein and guys like that?" " Uh-huh." " You know, scientists?" "You know?" " Uh." "A time machine, for time travel." " D.o theyhave one?" " What?" "[Tires Squealing, Car Crashing In D.istance ]" "Jesus." "I knew that was too much to hope for." "No, no, they got a time machine." " They do?" " Yeah." " Are-Are-Are you sure?" " Yeah." " Can it get me back to 2005?" " Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive." "And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago." "I don't care." "Just get me there, okay?" " Well" " Please!" "Listen, I" " I-- I "supersize" with you... but didn'tyou go tojail fornot havin'enough money?" "Okay, how about this?" "You get me to the time machine, and when I get back..." "I open a savings account in your name." "That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions." " Billions!" " 'Cause?" "'Cause ofthe interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars." " Oh, I" " I like money." " Yeah." " How many billions?" " Like, 1 0." "Yeah, suck one." "Time machine costs, like, 20." "Yeah?" "Okay." "Uh, 30, Frito." "Thirtybillion dollars." "Thirty billion." "So ifyou gave me 30 billion... and the time machine's 20" "What's the minus of 30 and 20?" "Uh, it's, uh-- it's 80, Frito." "It's $80 billion." "That's a mightybig minus, isn't it?" " Yeah." "I like money though." " [ Man ] Police!" "Open the door!" " [ Banging On D.oor]" " We're looking for an "excaped" individual." " This particular individual's name is Not Sure." " Ei ghty bi I I ion." "Oh, um, he-- He's... somewhere else." " You got something I can wear?" " Yeah." "There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle." "[Policeman ] A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo." "Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile. "" " [ Banging ]" " Okay, sir, we're comin' in." " No, you can't come i n." " Can too!" " Come on!" " All right, let's go get my billions." "[ Banging Continues ]" "Oh, okay, one more thing." "We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay?" " Is she bangin'?" " Yeah, sure, she is." "That wasn't really part ofthe deal." " Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right?" " I like money." "Okay, her pod's up here on the right." "She shouldn't be far away, I hope." "Mmm, girl." "Oh,yeah?" "So when we gonna do it?" "'Cause you been charging' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days." "Oh, yeah." "Soon, baby, soon." "Hey, you know what?" "Why don't you come back tomorrow?" " Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!" " Yeah?" "When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me." "That's right." "Whateveryou say, sir." " Hey, you still on the clock!" " Yeah, girl." " Thankyou!" " Rita!" "Rita!" "It's me,Joe, from the experiment." "Get in the car!" "Come on." "Oh, yeah!" "What the hell, man?" "Just get in the car." "I'll explain everything." " Where we going?" "Just get in the car." " Trust me." " What happened to those armyguys?" " [Siren Blaring]" " Wait a minute." "You got cops afteryou?" " Yeah." " And you made me get in the car?" "I got two strikes, asshole!" "Frito, take a right here." "Right, right!" "Into that dust storm, Frito." "[Joe ] Theymust havejust forgotten about us." "[ Rita ] It's been 500years?" "Oh, hell, no!" "Upgrayedd is gonna kill me!" "He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money!" "So, you owe your boyfriend money?" "Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too." "You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit." "Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now." " Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right?" " Yeah." "Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past... but there was no time machine back then, so" "Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is." "Now, then, last week" "He will find a way to come get his money!" " All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it" " You know what?" "Last timeyou toldme not to worry was 500 goddamnyears ago... when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin." " Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay?" " [ Buzzing]" "But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay?" "I promise you." "[ Electronic Voice ] You are harboring a fugitive by the name ofNot Sure." "Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger." " Hell, no." "You know what?" "Let me outta here." " Thankyou foryourhelp." "Ifyou don't have one ofthese, they're gonna throw you in jail." "You don't want to get thrown in the jails here." "I've been in them." "They're bad." "You're better offbeing with us, as bad as that sounds." " What areyou doing?" "Why are we slowing down?" " Turned off my battery." "Look, how far is it?" "Can we just take a cab or something?" "[Machine-gun Fire ]" "Oh, shit." "[ Explosion ]" "Oh!" "Oh, shit!" " [ Cheering ]" " Yeah!" "What the hell's wrong withyou?" "That's your car." "[ Frito ] Oh, hell,yeah!" "He's on fire!" "Come on!" "Let's get out of here." "[ Rita ] Hey, how much farther is it?" "Uh, it's, like, far." "Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?" "Yeah, well, I really don't thinkwe have time for a hand job,Joe." "[ Singing ]" "Man, he don't seem too bright." "You sure he knows where he's going?" "I sure hope so." "He's our only chance." " [ Continues ]" " How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?" "He's my lawyer." "And he's not a very good one either." "[Joe ] He's a goddamned idiot." "There's a shuttle down in the Costco." "It'll drop us right by the time machine." "Jesus Christ." "Oh, look." "One more thing." "He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars ifhe takes us there." "So ifhe mentions anything about a savings account,just play along, okay?" "Yeah, what ifthis time machine don'twork?" "Then I'll spend the rest ofmy life trying to fix it." "Welcome to Costco." "I loveyou." "Welcome to Costco." "I loveyou." "Welcome to Costco." "I loveyou." " [ Goats Bleating] - [ D.uck Quacking]" "Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here." "[ Rita ] We've been walking forever." "You sure you know where you're going?" "Yeah, I know this place pretty good." "I went to law school here." "In Costco?" "Yeah." "I couldn't believe it myself." "Luckily, my dad was an alumnus andpulled some strings." "Hey, come on,Joe." "I already toldyou... we'd all like a handjob, but we don't have time for it." "[ Woman ] Hey, baby, wanna go out?" "Wanna go out, honey?" "Shuttle comes every few minutes." "Shouldn't be long." " Do I got time to use the bathroom?" " [ Laughing ]" "[ Imitates Farting, Chuckles ]" " [Frito ] Uh, the toilet." " Be right back." "Yeah, back that thing up." " Hey, you mind ifl pound on that,Joe?" " What?" " I like having sex with chicks." " Yeah?" " Yeah." " I think everybody does, Frito." "Not like I do." "Like when you get it like this, sideways." "Then you just, like, back it up." "And then you" " That's real good." " Thenyou" " Oh,yeah!" "Stop!" "You're gonna get us caught, okay?" " [Alarm Blaring] - [ Electronic Voice ] Warning!" "Warning!" "Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 1 6, 702." "Hey!" "What about Rita?" "We can't just leave her here." "I don't care." "Come on!" " [ Sirens Wailing ]" " Oh, shit." "Wait a second." "What are we gonna do?" "Wait, okay, I know." "Here's what we do." "We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past..." "I tell her not to do the experiment." " Then she won't even be here." "That'll work, right?" " Uh" " No, wait." " [Electronic Voice ] Please stand clear ofthe doors." "She already is here." "That must mean I didn't go back in time, right?" " Uh" " No, wait, hold on." "It just means I haven't done ityet." "Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment." "Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here." " Then I won't have to come back and save her, right?" " I" " But then, wait." "Why am I still here?" " Uh" "Goddamn, how does this time travel work?" " Please stand clear." " [ Policeman ] Freeze!" "Hands up!" "Don't move!" " Put your hands up!" " Don't move!" "Freeze!" "Look, ifyou guys are taking me back to that jail... just go aheadandshoot me, 'cause there's no way" "Ow!" "Fuck!" "Ow!" "Ow!" " What?" " Ow!" "Ow." "Ow." "Ow." " [ Policeman ] What?" " [ Spraying]" " [Joe ] Ow!" "God!" "Hey, stop!" " Damn it." " [Joe ] What is this?" " [ Policeman ] Okay, sir, this is the White House." " What are we doing at the White House?" " What?" " [ Spraying ]" " Ow!" "Ow!" "Goddamn!" "[ Narrator] It turned out the results ofJoe's I. Q. test... had caught the attention ofthe highest levels ofgovernment." "Okay, wait a minute." "I 'm the smartest guy in the world?" "Says who?" "The I.Q. test you took in prison." "You got the highest score in history." "Brought to you by Carl's Jr." "Yeah, dumb ass,you're even smarter than President Camacho." "That's how come he's making you secretary of interior." "Okay, so who are you?" "I'm the secretary of energy." "He won a contest." "Got to be a cabinet member." "I'm the secretary of state." "Brought to you by Carl's Jr." " Why do you keep saying that?" " 'Cause they pay me every time I do." "It's a really good way to make money." "You're so smart, why don't you know that?" "[ All Chuckling ]" " He's the secretary of defense." " Hi." "And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general." "[ Whispers ] Hi." "And that's the secretary of education." "He's kinda stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother." "Still, he does a prettygoodjob, eh?" "You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake... 'cause the test I took was real, real easy." "I'm not the smartest guy in the world." "Okay?" "Okay, even ifthat were true, I can't be the secretary ofthe interior." " I don't even know what it is." " [SecretaryofState ] You betterfind out." " Sit down." "It's President Camacho." " Hey, hey, hey, yo..." "I gotta take care ofsome "bidness, "baby, so I needy'all to wait outside." "[ Narrator] D.wayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion... porn superstar, and president ofthe United States... had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world." " So you smart, huh?" " No, no." " I thought your head would be bigger." " [ Muttering ]" "Goddamn." " It look like a peanut." " [ All Laughing ]" "Let's getyou sworn in." "[Rocklnstrumental]" "[Announcer] Ladies andgentlemen, the president ofAmerica!" "[ Crowd Cheering]" "[Announcer] President Camacho!" "[ Laughing ] Shut up." " Shut up." "Sit your monkey ass down." " [ Ends ]" "Chill out." "Shit." "I know shit's bad right now with all that starving'bullshit." "And the dust storms." "And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings." "And the dust storms." "And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings." "[ Man ] Yeah!" " But I got a solution." " That's whatyou said last time, dipshit!" "I got a solution." "You're a dick!" " South Carolina, "whassup?" - [ All Cheering ]" "That's what I thought!" "Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now... but listen up." "I got a three-point plan to fix everything." "[Man ] Break it down, Camacho!" "Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure." " Numbertwo, he's got a higher I.Q. than anyman alive." " [ Cheering ]" " And number three, he's gonna fix everything." " [Applause ]" "I giveyou my word as president." "He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops." "He's gonna make 'em grow again." " Crops?" " And that ain't all." "I giveyou myword." "[ Electric Guitar]" "He's gonna fix the dust storms too." "I give you myword." "He's gonna fix the "ecomony."" "[ Electric Guitar Continues ]" "And he's so smart..." " he's gonna do it all in one week." " [ Crowd Cheering ]" "[ Narrator] President Camacho stood before the world andpromised everyone... thatJoe would solve all theirproblems." "He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy... but he would cure acne and carsickness as well." "And ifhe didn't..." "President Camacho made anotherpromise." "He would kickJoe's smart balls all the way up to the roofofhis smart mouth." " And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail." " [ Shouti ng ]" "I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President." "I don't know how to be secretary of anything." "I mean, I've never even voted, actually." "I don't know what the secretary ofthe interior even is." "Come on, scrot." "Don't be a pussy." "It beats jail, don't it?" "Besides, you do a kick-ass job... you get a full presidential pardon." " No jail time. [ Laughing ]" " Yeah?" "Fuck, yeah!" "Now gimme a beer." "Andgetyou one too." "[ Laughing ]" "Shit!" "[ Laughing ]" "Hold on, vato!" " Whoo!" " [Engine Revving]" "[ Laughing ]" " Do somethin' smart." " Yeah." "Uh, okay." "Uh" " I'll, uh-- - [ D.oor Opens ]" " Hey, we found that lawyeryou wanted." " Oh, okay." "Great, thanks." "Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh,you know, conferwith my counsel." "You understand?" "So I'll be right back." "Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of." " Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here." " Sounds pretty smart." "Wait here, okay?" "Wait there." "Dude, this is trepidatious." "You got me a room at the White House." "Everyone gets laid at the White House." "Everyone." " Yeah?" " Yeah." "I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I broughtyou here to help me." "I don't know the first thing about growing'crops... much less the goddamn "ecomony."" "Econ-Economy." "Let's see." "Growin' crops" "No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine." "Oh, that's easy." "You go down by the museum and stuff." "It's, like-- It's, like, by the museum... sort of, but, well, actually, not really." "More like" " But on the street." "You go, um-- Wait." "Let me start over." "Okay, you know where the time machine is?" "Hey.Just draw me a map, okay?" "You still want the money?" "Oh." "Ifl had some money and a room at the White House..." " I would be like, "It's mine, all night!"" " Listen." "Cut it out!" "Listen, I told these people thatyou were smart, okay?" " So act smart!" " Smart likeyou?" "[ With Effeminate Voice ] "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine." "I wanna go home. "" " I don't talk like that." " "I don't talk like that."" "Shit, I thought there was two ofyou." "[ Laughs ] See?" "[ Secretary ofD.efense ] D.oesn't look that big, is it?" "Okay." "Let's go take a look at those crops." "Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area." "All right?" "Hey, come on!" "Now, you either lead, follow, or get out ofthe way." "All right?" "Whoa." "Did you just make that up?" "Yes, I did." "Now look..." "I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately..." " and Frito will giveyou a hand with it." " Why?" "Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset... you know, for ourteam, forus to,you know, utilize." "[ All Laughing ]" "Utilize her!" "Utilize her!" "[SecretaryofState ] Utilize!" " [ Laughing ]" " Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?" "Oh, yeah." "Butt first!" "[ All Laughing ]" " [SecretaryofD.efense ] Utilize her!" " Okay." "Dang!" "May I approach your benches?" "Uh, yeah." "This sucks pretty bad." "Frito, why don'tyou come overhere and, uh, take a look at this?" "Come on." "Hustle overhere, buddy." "I wanna figure this out." "See, uh, just not a lot of moisture." "Have you got the map?" " Oh, yeah." " Discreetly." " It's right there." " I see it." "I see it." "Stand up with me." "Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure." "They found that whore you wanted." "Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on." "No, sir." "Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out." "D.on't worrythough." "We'll get her out... on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her." "Get your hands off me." "What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field?" "What the fuck areyou all staring' at?" "Joe?" " That's Not Sure, ma'am." " Secretary Not Sure." " Secretary?" "Secretary ofwhat?" "Say, would you guys mind ifwe had a little moment together?" "Alone?" "You know, in the bushes?" "Oh, man." "[ All Laughing ]" " Fuck her,Joe!" " Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out?" "No, thanks." "I can handle it." "Yeah." "I thoughtyou was in jail." "How'd you get to be the secretary ofinterior?" "Just keep walking." "I'll explain everything." "Okay." "Get ready to run." " What?" " Oh, goddamn it." "Way to go, Frito." "You know what?" "Just make a run for it anyways." "We'll ask for directions on the way." "No way." "I spent the last two days looking for it." "It ain't easy to find." "Damn it." "I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems." "All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me." "Listen to me." "Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay?" "It's impossible!" " Oh, yeah?" " Yeah!" "And even if Upgrayedd... could somehow magically travel through time... we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay?" "So don't worry." "You're safe." "And you know what?" "It's none of my business, but when we get back... you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay?" "And you should also think about maybe finding an art managerwho's not alsoyour boyfriend." "Hey!" "She's notputtin'out?" "Uh, no, she is." "We, uh--We already did it." "Yeah." "He was great." "Okay." "Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh... ifwe'd go family-style on her." "Uh, yeah, probably not right now." "We should focus on the crops." "So let's get back to work." "Maybe later." "What the hell is this?" " Tastes like Gatorade." " [ Rita ] Is that that Brawndo stuff?" "[Joe ] They're watering crops with a sports drink?" "[ Narrator] Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water... virtually everywhere." "Water, the basic component ofall life... had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin." "The solution came during the budget crisis of2330... when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F.D.." "A.... and the F.C.." "C..... enabling them to say, do and sell... anything they wanted." "Joe didn't know any ofthis... but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve." " [ I ndisti nct ]" " With his options running out, Joe took a bold step." "He would not get out ofthe way." "This time, he would lead." "For the last time, I 'm pretty sure... what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff." "But Brawndo's got what plants crave." "It's got electrolytes." "So wait a minute." "Whatyou're saying... is that you want us to put water on the crops." " Yes." " Water." "Like out the toilet?" "Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea." " But Brawndo's got what plants crave." " It's got electrolytes." "Okay, look." "The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working." "Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that ifyou put water on plants, they grow." "Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet." "Hey, that's good." "You sureyou ain't the smartest guy in the world?" " [ Chuckling ]" " You wanna solve this problem." "I wanna get my pardon." "So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?" "Brawndo's got what plants crave." " Goddamn it." " Yeah, it's got electrolytes." "What are electrolytes?" "Do you even know?" "It's what they use to make Brawndo." "Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?" "'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes." "[ Narrator]Afterseveral hours, Joe finallygave up on logic and reason... and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants... and that they wanted water." "He made believers out ofeveryone." "Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes... were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades... killing plants and leading to the dust bowl." "As secretary ofthe interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water... promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end." "He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon." " Or so it seemed." " [ Al I Shouti ng ]" "Man, I hope somethin' grows fast." "Yeah." "So we can haul our ass back home." "Man." "You really think those people would have starved to death?" "I don't know." "I mean, how did the world ever get like this?" "You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers." " It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone." " Mm-hmm." " I'm not used to it." " Yeah." "Me neither." "You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyonewas a bunch of dumb shits?" "Yeah." "Hadn't thought ofthat." " Nowyou knowwhy he built that bomb." " Yeah." "Hey,Joe, listen." "Those cops" " Oh, hey." "I'm sorry about that." " No." "No." "They said that you got me a pardon." "You know, ifyou hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so..." "I guess I oweyou one." "You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor ifyou don't want to." "Oh." "No." "I'm-- I'm all right." "Yeah." "Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that." "You in bed with a stranger." " [ Snickers ]" " Yeah." "[ Laughing ]" "I know." "I know." "[Laughing Continues ]" "[Joe ] Yeah." "Oh, boy." "Oh, shit." "It's Upgrayedd." "[Joe ] Oh, shit." "It's not Upgrayedd." "[ Narrator] Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked." "But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero..." "leaving halfthe population unemployed... dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting... and screaming forJoe's head." "An emergency cabinet meeting was called... with the C.E. O. ofthe Brawndo Corporation." "How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?" "Aw, shit." "Half the country works for Brawndo." "Not anymore!" "The stock has dropped to zero... and the computer did that auto-layoffthing to everybody." " We're all unemployed!" " You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?" " Why is this happening?" " I think it's because we switched to water, but" " You mean this is all your fault?" " What?" "Yeah, this is your fault." "This shit started happening when we switched to water!" "Brought toyou by Carl's Jr." "Brought toyou by Carl's Jr." "Brought toyou by Carl's Jr." "[Announcer] Fox News." "He tried taking water from toilets... but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himselfin the toilet now." "And as history pulls down its pants... and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head... it will be DaddyJustice who will be crapping on him this time." "We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis... at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial." "Thankyou, Velveeta." "Well, it started offboring and slow... with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch ofsmart talk." "[ With Effeminate Voice ] Blah, blah, blah." "You gotta believe me!" "[ Normal Voice ] That part ofthe trial sucked." "But then, the chief"J" just went off." "He said, "Man, whatever." "The guy's guilty as shit." "We all know that. "" "And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabi I itation." "Hey, rehabilitation?" "One night?" "Doesn't sound so bad." "Not so bad, huh?" "Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation." "[ Crowd Cheering]" "[ Engine Revving]" "[ Formica ] And who could forget that wonderful finish... by Rehab Officer TylenolJones?" "[ Chuckl i ng ] And tomorrow night looks even more better." "Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement." "Wow." "Thankyou, Formica." "Soyou thinkyou can escape again likeyou did last time?" " No." "They pretty much fixed that." " How?" "They chained me to a big rock." " [Rita ] Oh." " Yeah." "Look, Rita, get Frito." "Get him to takeyou back to the time machine without me." "Don't wait." "No." "You could have split on me before, butyou didn't." "Look, you wanna pay me back?" "Just go back, okay?" "Tell people to read books." "Tell people to stay in school, you know." "Tell people to just use their brains or something." "I think maybe the worldgot like this because ofpeople like me." "I never did anything with my life." "At least you were an artist, you know?" " Sojust go back and-- - [ Guard] Visit's over!" "And Rita, whateveryou do, keep painting, okay?" "Good luck,Joe." "[ Groans ]" "[Announcer] Okay, that's five down and one more to go." "Areyou readyfor a monster-truck duel to the death?" "Yeah!" "Let's give it up for the Guitar Army." "[ Rock ]" "[Announcer] Okay, we're gonna do this shit." "But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem... the star of Ow!" "My Balls!" "Hormel Chavez!" "Thank you." "Thank you." " [ Man ] Hey!" "Come here!" " [ Singing Patriotic Song ]" " Come here!" " [ Continues ]" " [ Groans ] - [Announcer] Right in the balls!" " [ All Laughing ]" " That's just how that shit went on TV!" "[ Announcer] This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator." " Afteryou've killedsomeone..." " [ Knocking]" " yourbodyneeds electrolytes." " Yeah." "So, my car's out front... wheneveryou want me to take you... to the time machine." "Thanks, Frito." " Yeah." " [Announcer] I can't hearyou!" "That's a real bummer about Joe, huh?" " [Announcer] I can't hearyou!" " Yeah." "Oh!" "Canyou turn this up?" "I love Rehabilitation." "[Announcer] Okay." "Let's meet ourrehabilitation officers for tonight." "With a combined record of6,2 kills... please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the D.ildozer!" "And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster!" "I get a truck too, right?" "Yeah." "Here it comes." "[ Engine Sputtering ]" "[ Guards Chuckling ]" "Get in." "You still got the chain attached." " [ Guard] D.oorwon't shut." " What about the chain?" " We could break it." " No." "He could escape." " I got an idea." "Let's put it in the trunk." " Yeah." "That'll work." " [ Guard] Who's smart now?" " [Announcer] Let's bring out our criminal." "He tried to ruin the country bypouring toilet water on crops." "He cost millions ofpeople theirjobs." "Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure!" "[ Al I Laughi ng ]" "Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die." "[Announcer] Areyou readyforsome car-on-car action?" "Yes." " I can't watch this." " This is" "This is gonna be so sad." "I hope I don't cry." "Holy shit!" "Frito, come here!" "Look!" "He was right." "The water-- it worked." "Frito, can you get me over there?" "Yes." "No, you fuckin' moron." "To the Rehabilitation place." " Uh, this way." " Yeah!" "Come on, Frito." "Hurry!" "[Announcer]And now the dude that everybody came here to see..." " Yeah!" " the only undefeated officer everin history... coming out ofretirement just to pound Not Sure's ass... driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history-- bigger than the D.ildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster... bigger and huger than everything ever before in history" "the brand-new Assdozer!" " Give it up for BeefSupreme!" " [ Rock ]" "Oh!" "Oh!" "[Announcer] Oh, shit." "I think it was too big, huh?" "We seem to be "experimenting"... some "techmological" differences... so, uh, shit." "Frito, look!" " I t's worki ng everywhere!" " Huh." "[Announcer] Well, shit." "That's a big pile ofrocks." " Kinda reminds me ofthis one time that I was" " Man." " Hey!" " Oh, oh, okay." " Get this shit started!" " We're gonna start without BeefSupreme." "Let the rehabilitation begin!" " [ Engine Stalls ]" " Oh, shit." " Come on." "Come on." " [ Engine Cranking ]" "[ Rita ] Come on, Frito." "Hurry!" " Oh!" " [ Engine Starts ]" "Goddamn it." " Yeah!" "Jesus, that was close." "Mr. President!" "Mr. President, I need to talk to you." "You gotta stop this thing." "He was right about the water." "We passed some crops on the wayhere." "They're growing." "I didn't see no crops." "[Announcer] They're circling around." "They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on him!" " This is an illegal move, okay?" "So don't tell nobody." " Oh!" "[Announcer] So, uh" " So the winner is, uh-  [Announcer] You gotta be shittin'me." " Did he win?" "Uh-oh." "Look." "[Announcer] Holy shit!" "It's BeefSupreme!" "[ Rock ]" "[Announcer] BeefSupreme!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Hey, Frito." "Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road..." " right by the Starbucks?" " Uh-huh." " Hey." "Wanna make some money?" " I like money." "Hey, um, the, uh-- the main screen is malfunctioning... and they gonna need you outside immediately." "There's a bunch ofwhores in the hallway." "Come on, Frito." "Hurry." "Can't believe you like money too." " We should hang out." " Totally." "[Announcer] He's behind the truck!" " Yes!" "Yes!" " [ Mouthing Words ]" " He's behind the fucking truck!" " He's over there!" "[Announcer] Behind the truck, stupid!" "Look!" "Shit." "That's a good deal." " [ Frito ] Extra foam." " I got a bunch of money too." " Forgot what it was for." " Huh." " You think it was for lattes?" " Yeah." "Probably." " [ Frito ] You like moneyand sex?" "You're trippin'me out." " What the fuck?" " Yeah!" " Yeah!" "Just hold on, okay?" "Everyone just take it easy, okay?" " [ Crowd Booing ]" "Can I just say something here?" "I don't even know what I'm guilty ofhere." "I never said that I was the smartest person on earth." "You people did." "I didn't know thatyou'd loseyourjobs and all your money... and I'm very sorry that that happened." "But I'm tellin'you... ifyou put water on the crops, it might actually" "No, it will work." "I promiseyou!" "Youjust have to believe me." "Ijust wanted to helpyou." "That's all." "Soyou can tryand shoot me." "You can try and run me over, whatever." "But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first." "Do you really want to live in a world... where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you?" "[ All Laughing ]" "Hold on.Just hold on." "[ Indistinct ]" "Oh, man." "Thatwas great." "Hey, was I wearing pants when wewent in there?" "Shit." "What do I look like, a pants goblin?" "Wait." "This reminds me ofsomething." "Uh, "Rehabil--Rehabilate" " Rehabilation."" " Why doyou keep trying to read that word?" " You a fag?" " I'll fag your face!" " Come on, Frito." " Yeah." "I don't think so." "Oh, yeah." "This guyjust got his ass a pardon!" "[ All Cheering ]" "[ Laughing ] Yeah!" "[Rock]" "Man, Rita." "I mean, I don't know what to say." "You saved my life." "No one's ever done anything like that for me." "Yeah, well... you were looking out for the whole world so, you know..." " I thought someone should look out foryou too." " Thanks." "I can't believe I'm even saying this, but... even though these people tried to kill me..." " you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em." " Yeah." "Frito-- he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine." "I just, uh-- I hope he's okay to drive." "It's you." "Oh, man, I really loveyour show." "Thankyou so much." " Uh,Joe, I'm not going." " What?" "I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again." "Maybe it's time I got a new start." "Besides, they offered me a prettygoodjob at Starbucks here." " I'm gonna be a C.E.O." " At Starbucks?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "You're still gonna paint though, right?" "Yeah." "Sure." "I guess this is good-bye then." "[ Camacho ] Hey, hey, hey, hey!" "I got a couple presidential decrees to make!" "I got a couple presidential decrees to make!" "Not Sure, get your ass up here, whereveryou is." "[ Crowd Cheering ]" "Let me get that little peanut head up here." "Yo." "Yo." "[ Laughs ]" "I have decided... to make this man-- the man who solved all our problems" "I have decided to make him... my new vice president." "[ All Cheering ]" "Mr. President, thanks." "That's real cool ofyou, sir..." " but I can't accept it, sir." " What?" "Why?" " You know, I gotta get home." " But we still got all these problems." "Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves." " How?" " Think about it, you know?" "You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops." "But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches"and the "comony"?" "And what about the nuc-- "nucular"reactor in Florida?" "I t's broke and leaky and something's happening." " I thought it was in Georgia." " Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass." "Hey." "Hey, I know." "Let's put toilet water on it." "Huh?" " Yeah!" " Good, good." "That's a good idea." " [Minister ofD.efense ] Like we did on the crops." " Come on, vato." "Hey, you can't leave." "Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh?" "I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I?" "You know what?" " Forget about the time machine." " Yeah!" "[ All Cheering ]" "That ride sucks anyways." "Ride?" "[Male Voice ] Welcome to the Time Masheen." "We are going to takeyou back, first to theyear 1 939... when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime... enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world." "So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time?" "Yeah." "You thought you could really travel through time, huh?" " Yeah, I guess I did." " Yeah." "For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes." " So why didn'tyou tell us?" " 'Cause I like money." "I'm sorry." "But ifit's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money." "You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account." "Uh, uh, uh" "Yeah." "Don't worry about it." "It's okay." "Well, I guess we're stuck here." "[Male Voice ] But then an even greaterforce emerged-- the "UN. "" "And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever." "And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever." "[ Narrator] And so, after serving a short term as vice president..." "Joe was elected the president ofAmerica." "Frito became vice president... and Rita, the formerprostitute, became first lady." "T oday I step i nto the shoes of a great man... a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo..." "Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho." "[ Narrator] Under President Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned." "You know, there was a time in this country... when smart people were considered cool." "Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things..." "like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon." "[ Man ] Yeah!" "And there was a time in this country, a long time ago... when reading wasn't just forfags... andneitherwas writing." "People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories... so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting." "And I believe that time can come again!" "[ All Cheering ]" "[ All Chanting ] Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!" "[Narrator] Joe and Rita had three children... the three smartest kids in the world." "Vice President Frito took eight wives... and had a total of32 kids-- thirty-two ofthe dumbest kids ever to walk the earth." "Okay, so maybeJoe didn't save mankind... but he got the ball rolling... and that's pretty good for an average guy." "I 'm gonna go fi nd this ho."