"Look at us." "Having dinner at the table." "Facing each other instead of just shoveling down takeout." "In front of the tv." "It's nice, huh?" "Based on your tone, I'm assuming you want me to say yes." "I'm kidding." "It's great." "There's no distractions." "Just me and my lady enjoying a civilized dinner." "And conversing about our day." "Kind of romantic." "Very romantic." "Is this gonna be an every night kind of deal." "Or is it just an odd experiment to see if we can actually do it?" "You know, Mike, it's important for us." "To stay connected with each other." "Sex is not the only way to express intimacy." "I agree." "It's certainly the best way." "Mostly because we always know when we're done." "Well, I always know when I'm done." "Hey, I got an idea." "Let's forget about the dishes." "And let's go out and do something fun." "Right now?" "Yeah, right now." "Me and you." "Let's just get in the car and see where the night takes us." "I was kinda hopin' the night was gonna take us." "To your nice comfy couch." "Come on." "We live in." "One the greatest cities in the world." "Let's go explore it." "Or we could snuggle up on the couch." "And eat low-fat bugles off of each other's fingertips." "Sexy!" "Don't be such a load." "What do you want from me?" "I already put on my loosey-goosey sweatpants." "I know." "I've been looking at those sweatpants." "For almost two weeks now." "Hey, maybe we can toss 'em in the washer." "While we go out." "You can't wash 'em." "You'll shrink the "loosey" out of 'em," "And then they're just "goosey."" "Come on, get changed and let's go do something." "God, I'm not really up for going out." "I had a pretty tough day at work." "What happened?" "Shootout?" "Bank robbery?" "Carl step in gum again?" "You joke, but an officer of the law stepping in." "A wad of Hubba Bubba can be the split second." "A criminal needs to make his getaway." "Whoa, what are you two doing standing up after 6:00?" "Is the couch on fire?" "Guess where we're going." "Vince is taking me." "To see Peaches and Herb at the Schaumburg Hyatt." "It's the original Herb, but it's Peaches number six." "I don't know where." "Those Peaches are disappearing to," "But somebody might want to take a shovel to Herb's backyard." "He made the same joke." "About Gladys Knight killing the Pips." "Good night." "You guys have fun." "And when you get home, don't put the chain on the door, 'cause Mike and I might be out pretty late." "Molly, look." "A squirrel on water skis." "♪ for the first time in my life ♪" "♪ I see love. ♪" "The resilient villagers return once more." "To till their arid soil." "Oh!" "What tragic lives some people lead." "Oh, my god, that's horrible." "When will we learn?" "You fell asleep." "No, I didn't." "So, you saw the whole thing about the migrating geese?" "Yes, and I found it heartbreaking." "There were no geese!" "So, you tricked me?" "Congratulations." "You outwitted a sleeping man." "Mike, I can't sit." "On that couch anymore, watching tv." "Let's go do something fun this weekend." "Me and you." "I'm in." "Really?" "Whatever you want to do." "Great." "How about we drive downstate." "To a nice little B and B?" "Bed and breakfast?" "Are you out of your mind?" "You said whatever I want to do." "Within reason." "I don't want to share a toilet." "With a house full of strangers." "It means the seat's always warm." "Plus, there's usually some mangy cat with a bent tail." "Rubbing its anus on your leg." "Okay, forget the bed and breakfast." "How about..." "We drive up to Wisconsin, hmm?" "Rent a cabin by the lake?" "You know, big fireplace, snuggling under a blanket," "Sipping hot chocolate." "Ah." "What is the problem this time, princess, huh?" "The fireplace?" "Wisconsin?" "I know it's not the chocolate!" "Oh, you felt the need to go there, huh?" "Real mature." "What's wrong with you this morning?" "Nothing, why?" "You're playing with your food," "And you don't ever play with your food." "Sometimes he does lay his sausages in a neat little row." "Yeah, but that's more like lining up logs." "Before you jam them in a wood chipper." "I think Molly's getting restless." "What do you mean, "restless"?" "I don't know." "From what I can gather," "I'm not taking her outside enough." "Well, I told you, when you got a girlfriend," "You'd have to walk her at least three times a day." "Otherwise, they go crazy and start chewing up the furniture." "And dragging' their little butts across the carpet." "That's why you got to get two of them." "That way, they could play with each other" "I don't get it." "Everything you'd want is inside:" "Food, shelter, sex." "What else do you need?" "I'd settle for two of the three." "Give me a strange hand on my crotch and a bag of skittles." "And I would live in a pothole." "I don't think Molly understands how hard I work." "I put my life on the line every day." "I need some down time." "Yep, that's what I tell grandma." "When I get home from work, I need to decompress." "Some "me time." that's right." "Don't be yelling at me to shovel the drive." "Or pull a dead rat out of the rain gutter." "I mean, why didn't she grab that thing when she was up there." "Taking down the christmas lights?" "Exactly." "We spend all day, every day, fighting crime." "To keep the streets safe for them." "We're like Batman." "And when Batman comes home," "You don't ask him to clean the garage or unclog the toilet." "Because his bat grandma can't process dairy." "I don't know what I'm gonna do, carl." "I gave Molly my a-game when we first started dating," "But I can't keep up that level of charm." "I'm only one man." "Well, I could argue otherwise, but..." "Maybe all you need to do is shake it up a little." "Show her that you're making an effort." "Aw, does this mean I'm gonna have to go out?" "Not at all." "All right, I'm listening." "Instead of letting her make you dinner." "And serve it to you on the couch, you show up with dinner." "And serve it to her on the couch." "You're still eating your dinner on the couch, but in her mind," "You have wined and dined her." "That's all it takes?" "That's it." "Just do a couple of little things." "She doesn't expect you to do, and then she'll forget all about." "The big nasty things you don't want to do." "That makes sense." "I'm telling you, I may have combed out a few old lady wigs." "In my day, but I ain't never plucked." "A dead rat out of a rain gutter." "The diet of the north american brown bear consists." "Mostly of salmon, berries, legumes and pine nuts." "Yogi doesn't eat that." "Yogi eats pic-a-nic baskets." "Six pounds." "I've gained almost six pounds." "Since Mike and I started dating." "It's probably just your hibernation weight." "You'll lose that as soon as the spring thaw rolls around." "We've just turned into this old married couple." "I mean, he never wants to go out anymore." "I can't even get him off the sofa." "Well, you've already mated with him," "So he has no reason to stand on his hind legs." "Or fling a half-eaten salmon at your feet." "Turn off the bear show." "Sorry." "All I'm saying is once a guy knows you're a sure thing," "There's no reason for him to try anymore." "You know what?" "Mm-hmm?" "I'm not just gonna sit around and wait for him to take me out." "If I want to go do something fun," "I am gonna do something fun." "Right on, sister!" "I am gonna tear it up!" "Whoo!" "You want to come with me?" "I don't want to go by myself." "Oh, good lord!" "I just saw my girlfriend's mom naked." "What are you doing looking in the window?" "I'm sorry." "I didn't think anybody would be." "Having sex on the stairs." "Well, if you're writing a book, it started in the laundry room." "Hey, Mike." "What a surprise." "I was just making popcorn." "Save it, doll." "He saw us on the stairs." "Honestly, from the window, it just looked like a bad fall." "All right, state your business." "Those Viagras are 11 bucks a pop." "Hush up, Vince." "You got another three hours on that thing." "Hey, I'm gonna be asleep in about 30 minutes." "After that, you can pound nails with it for all I care." "I'm looking for Molly." "Is she home?" "If she was," "Would I be doing her mom on the staircase." "While you watched from the window," "Getting your jollies?" "She and Victoria went out for the night." "Really?" "We always spend Friday nights together." "And I brought over thai food." "Ooh, that sounds good." "Yeah, I could eat." "I'll give you 20 bucks for the whole shebang." "$40 if you promise to stay away." "From the window for the rest of the night." "Just take it." "What do you say you throw me another high hard one," "And then we eat the spring rolls?" "Works for me." "Oh, god!" "I forgot how great it feels." "To go out on a Friday night." "Work week is done, papers are graded," "Mama is ready to party!" "You go, girl!" "Oh!" "I still have to buy foam board and 30 glue sticks." "For Monday's art project," "But I ain't doing it tonight!" "'cause it's time to par-tay!" "I am gonna write myself just a little reminder." "So I don't forget about that foam..." "Board." "Whoo!" "Good idea, 'cause we're gonna get wasted tonight." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "I mean," "Probably not wasted, but I think I see." "A couple glasses of Chardonnay in my future." "Oh!" "Uh-oh, Grandpa Mike." "What's up?" "Oh, just hanging with my sister." "Uh-huh." "Oh, really?" "You just dropped by assuming I'd be there?" "Bummer for you." "Well, I don't know." "Could go pretty late, it's Friday night." "Whoo!" "Do it again." "Do it again." "Whoo..." "Victoria, chill." "I'm trying to talk on the phone." "Sorry." "She's pretty amped." "Yes, I said "amped."" "Listen, we're getting ready to head into the club." "Ladies, I'm gonna need to see some ID." "Just kidding." "I'll call you." "Oh, god, look at me..." "playing hard to get." "I don't think I have ever done that." "I tried it once." "But I was completely naked at the time, so the dude called my bluff." "Who the hell's beating on my door?" "!" "Nana, it's me, Mike." "Oh, hey, Michael." "Carlton's not home." "Good night, baby." "Wait, wait, wait, wait." "Not home?" "Where did he go?" "Oh, I don't keep tabs on him." "He's a grown man." "But he does like hot wings and big, fake boobies." "If that helps narrow it down." "Strip club." "I don't think he was folding up dollar bills." "To put in the church collection plate." "Now if you'll excuse me," "Brother Heywood stopped by for pie and coffee." "Oh, what kind of pie?" "The kind of pie that two consenting adults." "Enjoy alone in the privacy of their own home." "Oh, man, I am two for two." "So's brother Heywood." "Good night, Michael." "I mean, I'm a doer." "I've always been a doer." "In high school... french club, chess club, drama club," "Band, jazz band, marching band, student council," "Editor of the school paper, french club..." "Did I already say french club?" "Yes, you did." "Excusez-moi." "You might want to slow down on those red bulls." "The point is, I'm an active person, a go-getter." "Remember?" "I backpacked through Europe one summer." "All by myself." "Okay, it wasn't the whole summer," "But it was two and a half weeks." "The point is that I have an adventurous soul." "I'm like Amelia Earhart." "Or that woman that lives with the gorillas." "I can't think of her name." "Sigourney Weaver played her in the movie." "I loved her in Ghostbusters." "She was fantastic." "Funny, sexy, quirky." "See, that's who I am." "I'm fun, and I've always been fun." "You don't keep a fun gal like me at home." "You take her out, you show her around." "Red light!" "That was fun." "Wasn't that fun?" "I might have peed a little." "Oh, me, too!" "Molly, it's Mike." "Where are you?" "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the music." "Oh, great." "Yeah, I'm glad you're having a good time." "Me?" "I'm having a ball." "No, I don't know where you ball is." "Look under the couch." "So I guess I'll see you when I see you." "Hello?" "I threw a load of your whites in the dryer." "I had to spray some extra zout on your pit stains." "Looks like you were sweating mustard." "Thanks." "So where's your little girlfriend tonight?" "She wanted some time to herself." "Oh." "Time to herself." "Well, you two had a good run." "Nothing you can do when the love bus goes off the cliff." "No, it's nothing like that." "She just thinks we don't go out enough." "Why does she need to go out?" "You guys are in a committed relationship now." "The music has stopped, grab a chair." "My point exactly." "She doesn't understand that I work hard every day," "And when I come home, I need to unwind." "You know, your father and I never went out." "We'd eat every meal right here in front of the tv." "Every meal?" "Yep." "As long as we had three squares and Barnaby Jones," "We didn't need a lot of jibber-jabber." "So that's all you guys did," "Was sit on the couch together and watch tv?" "Well, eventually your father bought a second tv." "And watched it down in the basement." "So I'd leave his dinner." "On the top step and ring a little bell." "For him to come get it." "That's horrible." "Why don't I remember that?" "Oh, that was before you were born." "After you came along, we started to drift apart." "Mom, would you be terribly hurt if I was to..." "Get out of here." "Thanks, mom." "That lit a fire under his ass, didn't it, Jim." "This place is fantastic!" "Yeah, great music." "Plus, you don't have to worry about any of the guys hitting on you." "Right." "You know, 'cause they're all gay." "Yeah, I gathered that." "Another good thing... no lines in the ladies' bathroom." "Occasionally you'll walk in on something very disturbing," "But you just do your business and get out as quick as you can." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "How are you?" "Excuse me, pardon me." "Nice to see you." "That's a hell of a mustache." "Molly!" "Molly!" "No, no, I'm not dancing." "Mike!" "Molly." "That's my girlfriend." "I'm with her." "Coming through." "Nice nipple ring." "That had to hurt." "Detective Nelson." "I'm going to assume you're undercover." "Molly." "What are you doing here?" "I came to tell you I'm sorry." "And I don't want to end up sitting in the basement." "Waiting on the dinner bell." "I don't know what that means." "It means I don't ever want to take you for granted." "And if you want to go out, we'll go out." "We are out." "Seriously?" "Dance with me, big boy." "I'm not really much of a dancer." "Consider it foreplay." "Sold." "I love you." "I love you, too." "Please tell me that was you that just grabbed my ass." "The first one's free." "Next one's gonna cost you." "I think the problem, Jeffrey," "Is you're taking Steven for granted." "I mean, yes, you're a Doctor." "And that's a very demanding job, but he works, too." "He's on his feet all day long at the salon," "And at night, he still cares enough about you." "To cram those things into those size-12 peek-a-boo pumps." "Ten and a half." "Okay, I know better than to argue with a lady." "About her shoe size." "Mike, you ready to go home?" "Oh sure, sweetie." "That's my girlfriend." "You know how it is." "Well, you know how it is." "Nice to meet you guys." "You coming back tomorrow?" "It's cowboy and indian night." "Ooh, it's cowboy and indian night." "We'll talk about it in the car." "I can wear my boots." "Might be nice to stay home tomorrow night." "Aw, come on, you never want to do anything." "I said we'd talk." "Hey, what would you feel about me growing a mustache?" "Sure." "Maybe get a nipple ring." "Someplace to hang your dry cleaning."