"SIMON: "Then the sloth said," "That's not necessarily so."" "And Caveman Boy said," "(childlike): "Tell me you'll never leave me," "Stupidest Dodo and Littlest Mammoth."" "(goofy voice): "I wish we didn't have to, but we're going extinct." "(chuckles) I'm the last one of me."" "Yeah!"" "said the Stupidest Dodo." "And the Littlest Mammoth turned to Caveman Boy and said," "(sweetly): "Don't worry, Caveman Boy..."" "We get it... you can do voices." "Just read it normally." "Look, when you grow up and volunteer your time, you can do whatever your critical little heart desires, but right now," "I'm driving this train, okay?" "(annoyed sigh)" ""Don't worry, Caveman Boy..."" "What an ebullient soul he is to bestow us his time and his verbal dexterity, all to inspire the neighborhood progeny." "I think you just said you appreciate him volunteering here and he has a healthy prostate?" "Oh, I see you share your father's flair for badinage." ""Even though we're going extinct, we'll be with you forever." ""Because when you truly love something, it can never go away.'"" "Does that mean my grandma's coming back?" "And my dog?" "I'm sorry, boys and girls, but there's no question and answer period after story time." "But these are good issues to discuss with your parents in what I'm sure will be an uncomfortable ride home." "Tough crowd." "Who picked this book?" "Yeah, but the moral was so sweet." "If you truly love something, it'll never go away." "Oh, that's ludicrous." "I love this library, and they're taking it away." "They're shutting it down." "What?" "That's terrible." "I feel like I grew up in this library." "But don't you worry, Flora... (goofy voice): we're not letting you go extinct." "Ha!" "God, the kid was right." "These voices really are annoying." "Ooh." "GORDON:" "Okay." "Listen up." "We got terrible news." "UPS is dropping us." "It's a catastrophe." " Gordon, stop hitting the panic button, okay?" " I'm not panicking!" " Breathe for me." "Shh." " I'm just trying to tell you that we have to replace them with somebody else immediately so everybody thinks that we're still at the top of our game, you understand?" "I don't care who it is..." "uh, it can be tobacco," " No..." "No..." " Big pharma, little pharma," "North Korea!" "Lauren, get me Kim Jong-Un on the phone, darling." "Lauren, do not get Kim Jong-Un on the phone." "You'll wake Dennis Rodman." "Listen to me, UPS is not that big" " an account with us, Gordon... come on!" " Yeah." "We only had their hazardous material shipping." " Yeah." " "We will touch it with a ten-foot pole."" "Yeah, but, you see, that's money." "So, right now, our top priority is gonna be landing a new client." "I would argue that our top priority should be to save the East Naperville Public Library." "What the hell are you talking about?" "I made a promise to a boozy librarian that we would come to the rescue." "SYDNEY:" "They're about to have a big vote in East Naperville to raise taxes; right now, they're gonna say no and then the library's gonna close." "Who gives a crap?" "Shut it down." "Shut down that stupid book museum right now!" "Absolutely not!" "I gave them my word!" "That's why we're gonna do the best pro bono work of our lives." "P..." "Pro bono?" " Pro bono." " That just made my stent slip." "Okay, I'll tell you what." "Since you're not gonna let me talk you out of it," "I'm gonna tell you how much dough I'm gonna give you for your pro bono project." " You ready?" " Ready." " Nada." " Ha-ha." "You know what that is?" "That's Spanish for "no dough."" "(laughs) That would've killed in Accounts." "You're such a villain!" "All you're missing is a poison apple and a magic mirror!" "Oh, you haven't even begun to see the evil queen that I can be." "(wheezy laughter)" "I'm sorry." "That would kill in Accounts!" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪" "♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪" "Hey, where are you guys coming from?" "Oh, we went to that new Greek place." "It was so good." "Oh, I... kind of thought you and I were gonna try that restaurant, Andrew." "Did we talk about that?" "No." "No, no, no, we didn't." "Uh, outside of work, we barely talk at all anymore." "Wouldn't hurt you to pick up the phone once in a while." " What's happening?" " You know, it's okay." "You can make it up to me tonight." "We'll go for a drink after work." "Uh, well, Allie and I were actually gonna go to a movie tonight, so, uh, rain check?" "(quietly):" "What about us, man?" "What happened to Zach and Andrew?" "Aka Zandrew." "Nothing happened to Zandrew." "There's just..." "Allie and Andrew now, too. aka Aandrew." "You just said "Andrew." That's just your name." "No, there was actually a second "A"" "if you were eavesdropping closely." "Hey, Zach, why don't you just come to the movie with us?" "No, thank you." "I don't want your pity invite." "What movie?" "Oh, it's a documentary about..." "I said, "No, thank you"!" "Hey." "Excuse me." "I'm looking for Sydney Roberts." "Can you tell her that Dylan is here?" "Uh, she's in her office." "Come with me." "Who's the cute fruit?" "Fruit?" "Oh, no." "Sydney's neighbor." "I'm pretty sure they went on a date." "Okay, first of all, never question my gaydar." "It's impeccable." "And I also have him on my Grindr app right now." "Is that a sandwich app?" " Oh, there's meat involved." " But it really seemed from the way Sydney's been talking about Dylan that she's dating him." "Well, you obviously misunderstood." "He's clearly her new gay friend." "You can just say "friend."" "Actually, you know what, Dylan, can you excuse me for one second?" "I'll meet you at the elevators." "I have a quick work thing" " to discuss with my coworkers." " Sure." " Sure, sweetie." " Okay." " So, what do you think?" "He's cute, right?" " Yeah." "I can't believe we're..." "I guess, dating." " Dating?" " What?" "I know it's weird because he's... well, you know... my neighbor." " Right." "The neighbor." " Neighbor." " It's so awkward with neighbors." " Right." "Yeah, so, you know, we're gonna take things nice and slow, but I'm excited." "What do you guys think?" "He's fabulous." " Fabu!" " Right?" "Good morning, campers." "Ooh, how was your date with Dylan last night?" "Oh, it was so good." "I dragged him to the mall," " and he didn't complain once." " Mmm." "Then we went back to his house and we watched 300." "Ah, he's into gladiators." "Typical guy." "(goofy chuckle) So typical." "(whispers):" "We have got to tell her." "No." "It's like the spinach-in-your-teeth thing." "If you tell someone, it could be really embarrassing and they shoot the messenger." "Yeah, but what do you suggest then?" "Let's just let the gay spinach work itself out of her teeth naturally." "I mean, at some point, he's gonna braid her hair and then she'll know, and then she won't have to know" " that we ever knew." " I just can't believe she doesn't know." "I know, it's insane." "Guess who just worked out with their new buddy, Dylan." " Sydney's Dylan?" " Mm-hmm." "Yeah, Syd introduced us, and then, out of the blue, he asked me to do CrossFit with him." " Oh, really?" " Oh." "Complimented me the entire time." "Said that he loved my top." "His word: classy." " Zach..." " Now there's a guy in a relationship who still makes time for his friends, unlike some people I know, who only hang out with their girlfriend." "I'm talking about you." " Yeah, you were looking right at me." " SIMON:" "Guys... let's go save a library." "Great!" "Love your top!" "That is classy." "But it's effeminate, right?" "SIMON: "Pro... bono."" "What do these words say to you?" "Well, to me it says you've written the words "pro bono"" "on a $5,000 monitor with what looks to be a permanent marker." " That's not a good start, is it?" " Well..." "If you don't look at it, it didn't happen." "Okay, everybody!" "Meeting takes place down here now." "All right, re-focus." "Because this is charity and Gordon is evil, he has taken away our budget!" "GORDON (over speaker):" "And not just your budget, little man." "(all exclaim)" "As long as you're working on a pro bono project, you are not being paid!" "(laughs evilly)" "God, that man really is a villain." "(Zach groans) So we have no budget." "We're working for free." "Time to brainstorm, all right?" "Any good ideas, you write 'em on the monitor." "It's already trashed." " Okay." " So, what do we got?" " What about a blimp?" " Yeah." " Those cost money." " What about a free one?" "Good thinking, but that's not a thing." " Oh." " Come on, people." "What pops in your mind when you hear the word" ""library"?" " Uh, bad Wi-Fi." " Old book smell." "ZACH:" "No hot chicks." " Old people smell." " Like, literally I've never" " seen a girl better than a seven." " It's impossible to tell which is which." "Places where homeless people masturbate." "No, no, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren." " Yeah?" " I feel the need to speechify." " Oh!" " Yes." "To me the library was a magical place, a place where I could captain a pirate ship, fly to the moon, walk through African villages and see boobs in their native culture." "(imitating African language)" "Yeah, but now we can see all the boobs the world has to offer with just the click of a mouse." "Yeah, and with books you can't change the font or the size of the boobs." "Yeah, and each book is just one book." "I..." "I'm never doing just one thing at once." "(text alert chimes) I mean, even my friend Candice agrees." "Fine!" "Why don't we just give up and let them shut down the library?" "In fact, why don't we just burn all the books?" "Yeah, why don't we?" "(Lauren gasps) What do you think?" ""Vote to close the library April 17th." "Book burning celebration to follow."" "Yep." "Ha!" "Well, it's..." "Book burning generally has a sort of negative connotation." "True." "Well, uh, the font's pretty." "I love it." "No, you don't, but kudos on ass-kissing." " Thank you." " You're outraged, as you should be." "But rage is what motivates people, huh?" "(all talking at once)" " You're doing it again." " No, I'm about ideas, not where you write things down." "The people of Naperville are angry about a tax hike, so they don't care about the library." "We got to give 'em something to be even angrier about, something that'll really push their buttons." " ALL:" "Ooh." " LAUREN:" "A, a smelly book." " No." " Toaster fire." " Hairy building." " No." " Box on fire." " Spaghetti trap!" " I love Pictionary." " It's a burning book!" " Burning book!" " (Simon imitates bell dinging)" "We'll make them so mad about burning books, they won't care about the taxes and they'll vote to save the library!" "Ah, that's genius... you're shifting the conversation from taxes to libraries." "A vote to close the library is like a vote to burn books." "Exactly... that is why, ladies and gentlemen, we are hosting a book-burning party." "That's a cool concept, but I feel like it's missing something." "You're right, Andrew, it is a cool concept." "I said I feel like it's missing something." "Sorry, I don't hear criticism." "But I feel like it's missing something." " Yeah." " A visual." "A face... a face that people can hate." "Who's hateable and doesn't cost anything?" " Yeah." " What about something like this?" "Perfect." "Good." "That's good." "Oh, Zach, Dylan wants to know if you want to come with us to the Gladiator exhibit this weekend." "Oh, that guy sure likes gladiators." "How generous of Dylan to share his girlfriend time with a friend." "I don't know what top I'm going to wear, but I'm there." " It's a date." " Oh, hey, Simon." "Uh, I added a little red to Gordon's eyes." "Does this read as menacing or meningitis?" "Do you think tiny horns would be overkill?" " Yeah, yeah..." " No, what about" "Charlie Chaplin's little mustache?" "(overlapping chatter)" "A nice, big..." "GORDON:" "What the hell is this?" "Everyone freeze." "Don't make eye contact." "Eventually he'll go away." "You're using me on the poster?" "I'm the face of book-burning?" "We didn't have the money to license a real monster, so..." "Oh, is that how you see me... a monster?" "Well, if the giant orthopedic shoe fits..." "It's not funny, Simon." " Okay." " If I'm the bad guy, it's because you need me to be one." "It serves your pathological need to be a hero." "You're reducing a very complex web of neuroses..." "Then let me untangle it for you." "Your pro bono crap has nothing to do with saving the library." "It's all about making sure that everyone loves you." "And who gives a damn what happens to me?" "I'm just Ursula the Sea Witch to your Little Mermaid." " Oh, come on, Gordon, I didn't mean..." " Talk to the tentacle." "Gordon, wait." "What?" "Oh, I was just doing that thing where you call out to someone as they're storming off, but they don't usually turn around." "I see." "(whispering):" "No, wait." "SIMON:" "He's right, it was a bad idea." " Uh, boss, you know that this already went out, right?" " It did?" " Yeah, hundreds of them." " Oh, no, no, no, we got to take 'em all down." " It's too late." " We... we'll just tell Gordon we took 'em down." "I mean, the election's in two days." " Oh." " Yeah, it's just a little grassroots campaign in a small town." "(All) Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Naperville." "If you check your calendar, it's 2014, but you sure wouldn't know it in Naperville, Illinois, where a group opposed to a tax hike to save a local library is organizing a book-burning party apparently spearheaded by this unidentified mystery man." "What is wrong with this guy?" "What kind of monster burns books?" "Around the world, people are asking:" ""Who is this madman and how do we stop him?"" "Maybe Gordon doesn't watch the news." "What the hell did you do to me?" "And now maybe he's just running lines for a play he's in?" "I'm a pariah out there." "I got egged on the street." "An old lady flicked her lit cigarette at me." "My latte had a middle finger drawn in the foam." "Gordon, we are so sorry." "I mean, we never thought" " that this was..." " I don't want to hear it!" "I'm blowing your cover." " No." " I'm sending out a press release." "Can someone tell me how to send out a press release?" "Or, or we wait till after the library's been saved." "You'll end up looking like a hero, Gordon." "That was my plan all along." "N... n... n... n... no, don't play me, Simon." "I'm not playing you, Gordon, you know." "I know right now things look dire, but a couple of days from now when we all gather together for the mock book-burning and the crowd's there, ready to lynch you..." " Still looking pretty dire." " ... we're going to announce we're not burning the books, we're saving the library, and it's all because of you." "You're the man behind it all." "Everyone's going to be cheering for you." "And you'll be the hero this time." "ALL (chanting):" "Hero, hero..." "You just have to have a little patience, my darling." "Okay, listen, I know you're pulling this out of your ass." " No." " But I do like the idea of being a hero for once." "Yeah." "But what do I do in the meantime?" "Hide." "ALL (softly):" "Hide, hide, hide..." "Good luck." " I'm gonna hide." " Yeah." "(chanting quietly): hide, hide..." "Wow." "Just magnificent." "I'm really glad we could all finally spend some time together." "Oh, yeah." "Didn't want to miss this." "Man, look at that spear." "Can you imagine being" " on the business end of that?" " Ooh." "You don't want to miss it for anything." "ZACH:" "Hey, great tops!" "Right on." "Book power!" "Hey, where's Aaaaandrew... ?" "Really?" "That's a thing?" "We're doing that now?" "I think they went to go look at the wall of swords." "Ooh, Zach, do you like swordplay?" "Uh, yeah, I'm a guy." "(coughing)" "Thank you for bringing me to the museum." "You know me... when it comes to treating my lady right, spare no suggested donation." "(chuckles)" "Are you okay?" "Me?" "I'm fine." "Yeah, I mean, I'm..." "I'm here with Dylan." "Of course I am." "Why wouldn't I be fine?" "Right." "You have Dylan." "(men grunting)" "(sighs) Lauren, um, if I tell you something, you promise you won't tell anyone?" "Yeah, of course." "Dylan is... gay." "What?" "!" "(quieter):" "What are you saying?" "That's crazy." "What?" "Is everything I knew fake?" "Is everything I thought was real really not real at all?" " You knew?" " I did." "When did you figure it out?" "After our fourth date." "When he made me watch a Raven-Symoné retrospective and... and he braided my hair." "Oh, the universal tell." "Does everyone know?" "DYLAN (in baby talk):" "Is him wrestled out?" "Is him hungry?" "Does him want food?" "Uh, him... him is hungry." "Him... him... him... him could eat." "Uh... (laughs)" "Not everyone." "I mean, Andrew and I figured it out." "He wanted to tell you, but we didn't want you to feel embarrassed." "Well, that's why I kept it up, because I felt like an idiot, and didn't want everyone finding out and then thinking that I was an idiot." "Which, apparently, they already do." "Are you sure you didn't keep dating him to make Andrew jealous?" "I mean, maybe a little?" "No." "I'm..." "I'm happy that Andrew's happy." "And that he's in love." "And that I get to watch love bloom every day, right outside my office." "Oh, good!" "I thought you'd be bummed." "ZACH:" "A whole weekend?" "Just you and me at your parents' lake house?" "(laughs):" "Man!" "Andrew is gonna be jealous." "You talk about Andrew a lot." "Did you guys used to date?" "(laughing):" "Date?" "No, man, we're just friends, like you and me." "Oh." "Uh-huh." "O... kay." "Ah!" "Uh, him... him... him was not aware." "Him needs a little... just a little time." "In a few minutes, the polls are gonna close." "But if we've done our jobs, these library doors are gonna stay open because this community said no to the death of imagination!" "ZACH:" "When the book burners saw us coming, they ran away from the power of knowledge!" "They were so scared, they left without their props!" "Not even the evil giant who started this whole thing had the guts to show his face!" "Can I get a whoop-whoop?" "(all whooping)" "Hey, hey!" "What's happening?" "I thought you were gonna make me the hero here." "Don't worry... when the vote is over, I'll bring you out and reveal that the whole thing was a campaign to save the library and you'll reap the glory!" "Okay, well hurry up because my calves are spasming." " Got it." " Never should've quit ballet." "Attention, proletariat." "The ballots have been quantified." "And we have emerged from the hangman's noose unscathed." "Did we win?" "That's what I just said." " We won!" " (all cheering)" "You got to make it happen because I can't feel my legs!" "I'm doing it." "Everyone?" "I have a special surprise." "We would not have won tonight without the man" "I'm about to introduce." "You know him as the face of evil." " But..." " I can't take it anymore!" " Gordon, Gordon, no... !" " (Gordon muttering)" "(crowd gasps, murmurs)" " What are you doing to me?" " MAN:" "That's him!" " The book hater!" " (all booing)" "No, no!" "No." "That isn't who I am." "That's you!" "I don't, I don't hate books." "I love books." "I'm a reader." "Gordon, Gordon, you're flaming!" "I know, it happens when I get nervous." " No, right there!" " Aah!" "Oh!" "Fire!" "Bad!" "(crowd gasping)" "(all scream)" "He's burning the books!" "No!" "You're a monster!" "Get him!" "No, I'm..." "I'm not a monster!" "MAN:" "Get him!" "He's a bad man!" "He's not bad, he's good!" "It's not his fault!" "I made him that way!" "He's my creation!" "Simon, you son of a bitch!" "This reminds me of something." " Twilight?" " Hunger Games?" "Seriously?" "(cork pops)" ""Genius Ad Campaign Revealed."" ""Lewis, Roberts  Roberts Saves the Day."" ""Homeless Man Arrested for Masturbating in Library."" "See?" "All is right with the world again." "Whoa, Gordon's on the news." "My thinking was that if we created a villain character, that it would change the conversation." "And I volunteered because I care." "Speaking of caring, I'm sure some of our viewers want to know how are your injuries because of the pitchforks?" "Numerous and excruciating." "Al... although I was very lucky that... that church was unlocked, so I was able to hide out in the bell tower." "Well, so there we have it." "A nation's villain, one library's hero." "Uh, Syd?" "Hey." "I am sorry that Lauren and I didn't say something sooner about Dylan." "Oh, it's okay." "I mean, the only bummer was that" " I like to hang out with him." " Ah, sure." "We had a lot in common." " He's a nice guy." " Yeah." "Haven't really had that with anyone in a while." " Yeah, me neither. (clears throat)" " Except Allie." "Right!" "No, right, right." "Except Allie, of course, who's great; she's great." "She's really great." "So, yeah, except for that." " That's great." " Okay." "I miss hanging out with you." "You do?" "Yeah, I mean, you're, you're a good friend." "I miss you, too... buddy." "(laughs):" "Okay, cool." "Hey, can I ask you some really frank sexual advice, actually, about Allie?" "Well, I'm off to grab a beer with my buddy Dylan." "Wow." "You guys are still hanging out?" "Yeah, you know, after we talked about that kooky misunderstanding," "I realized that D-man is a great guy." "And I'm not just saying that to make jealous, Andrew." "You and I are totally cool." "I just, I don't know, really enjoy hanging out with him." "And he's fine that it's platonic?" "No, he's totally in love with me." "The Zach bug bit him bad." "But I think I can turn him." "Into a friend." "Well, good luck with that." "Si, I have to say your little charity stunt worked very well." "We've been getting calls from new clients all day." "It was all part of my plan." "Oh, please, you had no plan." "You just stumbled upon a photogenic villain, and you... you ran with it." "Well, it's your sweaty Mediterranean features... they photograph well, my friend." "(laughs) Yeah." " Touché." " We make a good team, my man." " Yeah, we do." " You're the Beast to my Beauty." " Oh." " The Garfunkel to my Simon." "See?" "That works on two levels because my name is Simon..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it." "Very clever." " Thank you." " But no one really ever appreciated Garfunkel." " Well, Simon did." " What do you mean?" "He... he broke up with him famously." " For a while they had a nice time." " Didn't they sue each other?" "Don't read too much into it." "My point is this place wouldn't work without you." "Especially when you hear this." " What?" " I just took a call for the biggest buyout offer we've ever had." "We've had offers before." "We will never sell this company!" "Uh, $47 million beg to differ my Little Brony." "Yes, you are about to become the proud subsidiary of Hamasaki Sneakers, Cutlery... and now..." "Advertising." "I should've never let that sympathetic priest let you out of the bell tower!" "We are selling." "End of discussion." "No!" "What I wouldn't give for a lit torch right now!" "You're a monster!" "You made me this way!" "No, hefe, tell me this." "(both shouting gibberish)" "But now you can see boob... now you can see all the boobs." "Booby booby boo boo." "No hot chicks." "I..." "I've never seen seen a girl better than a seven." "Place where old people masturbate." "Oh!" " Whoa!" " Old people masturbate in libraries?" "What kind of libraries are you hanging out in, you sicko?" "Grandpa, we're ready to go now." "Are you finished?" "Not yet!"