"CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Oh!" "Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de- hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi, and welcome to QI." "We're off on our H for holidays this evening, leaving behind Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire in favour of Hong Kong, Honduras and Hawaii." "Hitching a ride along the way are the globetrotting Rich Hall!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "The jet-setting Rob Brydon." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "The wanderlusty Bill Bailey!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And the itchy-footed Alan Davies." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "Now, before we set off, let's hear a bit of world music." "Rich goes..." "BANJOS PLAY" "Lovely." "Rob goes..." "HARP PLAYS" "Ah, I suppose it's a Welsh harp, probably." "Bill goes..." "MORRIS DANCE MUSIC" "LAUGHTER" "Aw, and Alan goes..." "TIN WHISTLE JIG" "LAUGHTER" "Ah, tremendous." "Right, now, settle down." "The holidays are over and it's time to hand in our homework." "I've been rather fed up with basically having to say things that are quite interesting to you and I thought it was time" " that you said things to me that are quite interesting." " Right." "I want you to interest me." "I have sent you all off on your holidays, as you will remember, not at the expense of the BBC, at my own personal expense I have sent you." "So there's a special prize of a half day holiday if you can report on the most interesting thing in the country that I've sent you to visit." "Rob, you should start." "Where did I send you, where did you go?" " You sent me to Hungary." " Hungary." "Because it had to begin with an H." "Had to begin with an H, that was the fiendish plan." "Very fiendishly clever." "And I went to Hungary, Stephen." " Were they wearing trousers as tight as that?" " They..." " LAUGHTER" " I was, interestingly enough." " You did?" " Good." " I wore trousers very much like that, with the long sock, of course." " Ooh!" " LAUGHTER" " I went..." " We know about your long socks, woah!" " Don't we just." " I went to Hungary and I'll tell you what I brought back for you." " Yes." " Curious." "Interesting." "What am I showing you?" " No gloves?" " No gloves." "Jazz hands?" " I know, you're a really bad glove puppet." "LAUGHTER" "Glove puppeteer who really has lost the plot." " Yeah." "Naked glove puppetry." " No, no." "Very clean hands." " Oh, clean hands and Hungary?" " Yes." "Have they jumped up in the corruption tables?" "Is that a euphemistic thing?" " No, it's very literal." "Very literal." " Ooh!" " They don't wipe their bums?" " Oh!" " Then they wouldn't be clean." " I don't think there's a need for that, Alan." "Obsessively washing..." "OCD." "I do think there's a need to wipe your bottom." "What I was saying is I don't think there's a need for you to say "wiping bottoms"." "They don't use their..." " I'm not suggesting you leave the loo with it just trailing." " Oh!" "They do wipe their bottoms but they don't use their hands to do it." "How else...you'd have to have a mighty appendage to do it any other way." "You mean like an elephant cleaning itself." " Just whipping it back." " Oh, please!" "No, no." "Right, OK, let's leave the lavatory now." "Train a wombat to creep up behind you and just..." "LAUGHTER" "I've been trying for years to get my wombat to do that." "No, clean pair of hands." "Think, if you will, of medicine for a moment." "Where might I be going with this?" "Medicine?" "The operation is very helpful." " Surgeons." " The importance of surgeons having clean hands..." " Scrubbing up, they call it." " Thank you, Stephen." " Scrubbing up, as Stephen says, yes." "That's it, opening doors and taps." " Doing the taps like that." "Before you know it you've got a Eurovision act, haven't you?" " Especially if you've got these on!" " For a long time they didn't realise, doctors and surgeons didn't realise that it was actually very important to wash your hands before you operate, cos they weren't aware of the transference of germs." "It was Ignaz Semmelweis, the Hungarian." "He came up with this theory, because he was at the Vienna Infirmary, you see..." " I've never sounded this knowledgeable on this show." " It's very impressive!" " He started this whole idea of the important of cleanliness and hygiene." " You're absolutely right." "There is a museum in Budapest, to which I have been, called the Semmelweis Museum, which is where he lived." "He died in poverty and insanity, in fact." "I think he died in an insane asylum." " No-one recognised the absolute truth of what he said." " So excessively clean hands actually drive you mad." "Well, no, what drives you mad is telling you truth and having nobody believe you." "Doctors couldn't face the fact that he was basically saying that the thousands and thousands of deaths that took place in hospitals were probably the fault of doctors." " It implied they were a little unclean." " Yes, exactly." "That museum is a wonderful place." "When you go in there's a big sign, it says, "Now wash your hands."" "Very good." "Yes, you're right." "What else has Hungary given us?" " Goulash." " Goulash." "What does goulash mean, do you know?" "Goulash means stew of some kind." " LAUGHTER" " In Hungarian it actually means..." "HARP PLAYS" "It actually means cowboy." " I learned this..." " Cowboy?" " Cowboy." " Cowboy, you're right." " Ride 'em, Goulash." "It's quite seductive when you press that harp button," " it's like we're going back in time." " Yes!" "Well, tell us, Rob." "HARP PLAYS Tell us, tell us..." "LAUGHTER" " It's 1974 and goulash means cowboy." " You're quite right." " Rubik's Cube, of course, also comes from..." " Yes!" "Erno Rubik was a Hungarian." "What do they drink in Hungary?" " They drink..." " Bull's blood." "Bull's blood, you're right, and bull's blood was responsible for one invention which was not credited." "The very word tells you who we think invented it." "Pasteurisation." "It was not Louis Pasteur who first thought of that, it was an Hungarian, but he wrote a paper on it that was in Hungarian and nobody else in the world read it." "Because it's a very, you know, almost a unique language." "The other thing that Hungary is famous for is Laszlo Biro." " The ball point pen." " He actually, he also invented the automatic gearbox." "Yes, he sold it to the Ford Motor Company, didn't he?" " That's right." "Biro." " There's a lot more to Hungary than meets the eye, so why not visit when you get the chance." "Hungary, there's so much going on." "LAUGHTER" " My grandfather was born in Hungary." " Really?" "He used to say a Hungarian is the only man who can follow you into a revolving door and come out first." "Isn't there something about the language that is uniquely odd?" "Well, it's unlike almost all European languages." "But it's related to a language that's miles away?" " Finnish." "Finnish and Estonian." " Suomi?" "Suomi, yes, the Finnish language." "LAUGHTER" "I thought you said, "You owe me."" "You owe me that, yeah!" "When you say Finnish, do you mean the people or the dishwasher tablets?" "LAUGHTER" " That's got a language all its own, hasn't it?" " It is, you're so right." " I prefer the liquid." " Powerball." "You get all the Powerballs out..." " Yeah." "You can sell them to teenagers at a disco for ten quid." "APPLAUSE" " Powerball." " Wow!" "They don't get high but their insides are fantastically clean." "Yes, absolutely!" " Wow." " Yeah, when they go to the toilets they clean them." "LAUGHTER" "Well done, Rob." "That's excellent, I'm going to give you a lot of points for that!" "APPLAUSE" "Yup, Rob went to Hungary where they invented washing your hands, pasteurisation, the Rubik's Cube, which you mentioned, and, arguably, the word hello, did you know that?" " Because of the telephone." " Yes." " Edison's..." " One of his assistants." " Went "hallom"." " Hallom." " Hallom." "Hallom." "Hallom." "Means "I can hear you", in I hear you." " I'm not so sure, I think that sounds a bit fanciful to me." " Yes." " Not what it means, but the fact it then bastardised..." " Caused us to use the word hello on the phone." " I'm not buying that." " OK." " Which is why I didn't bring it up." "Yeah, fair enough." " I used to collect stamps for about six months when I was 11." " Mm." " And you could send off for packets of stamps." " Yes, I remember that." "About 40p, or something." "You would get lots and lots of..." "Triangular ones and strange shapes." " I called Magyar stamps but apparently they're... - "Modjur"." "Those ones." "You'd always get loads of those." "They must have printed a lot of stamps, or no-one was sending any letters there, or..." "I collected stamps for a very brief period, like you," "I was in my early teens, and I gave it up." "I thought to myself," ""Philately will get me nowhere."" "AUDIENCE GROAN" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" "Rob, press this!" "Go back in time!" "HARP PLAYS" "I collected stamps for a period when I was an early teenager." "I loved it." "Yes, good, isn't it?" "APPLAUSE" "Phew!" "Well done, well done." "Good news." "Hungary, great success, lots of points." "Bill, where did I send you?" "Well, I went to the Kingdom of Bhutan." "Which is in the Himalayas." "It's actually the only country in the world which is a carbon sink." "Which means that it actually absorbs more CO2 than it actually gives out." " So the greenest country on Earth?" " It's the greenest country on Earth." "It's written into the constitution that the forest area of Bhutan shall never dip below 60%." " Wow." " And the cows are not allowed to fart." " No." "LAUGHTER It's a Buddhist country, and the national sports are archery and darts." "But not darts as we know it." "Jocky Wilson style, many lagers and shouting." "They're huge, they're quite big darts." "Quite lethal." "That's the archery." "That's the big dart he's chucking." " It's obviously miles away." "It's not like the oche." " Yes." "Or he's rubbish at it." "Yes..." "It's not a target, it's actually a hunting skill." "He's trying to bring down a seagull there." "A beautiful, green country." "And its main export is hydroelectric power." "So it's even exporting renewable energy." "So it's a wonderful paradise." " There is a..." " Invade!" " Yeah." " I remember something about penises." "A friend of mine went there and sent me back a photograph of penises..." "Yeah, they paint phalluses on the doors as a fertility symbol." " So, you see, you..." " Oh!" " Wow!" "Actually in full flight." " Well..." " Yeah." "That seems to be quite a graphic one." "Look at that." "Goodness me." " Yes." " That's probably a monastery of some kind." " Monks?" "This is part of the religious thing, is it?" "The monks..." "Yes, it's a very old tradition, but, yes, it's a Buddhist country, so it's very sort of peace loving and, um, beautiful place." "The general state of Bhutan is measured not in money, but in happiness." " Oh!" " It's sort of their equivalent of currency." "It's gorgeous." "Well, I have to say, Bill, that is fantastic." "It makes me want to go there, I've never been." "Thank you!" "Bill Bailey and Bhutan." "APPLAUSE" "Yeah." " Yes?" " Can I take this off?" "I'm getting a rash." " OK." " Thank you." "I'm allergic to souvenirs." "Anyway, Bill Bailey was in Bhutan where they have the world's only carbon sink." "Dance is the national sport and they pursue Gross National Happiness by painting huge phalluses on the doors." "Rich, tell us where you've been." "I, Stephen, have been to Hawaii." " Hey!" " Yeah." " What can you tell us..." "Aloha!" "OK, I'll tell you many interesting things about Hawaii." "It was discovered by Captain Cook after he discovered Sydney Harbour." "And then moved to New Zealand, met very friendly people and he got to Hawaii and they ate him." "It's true, isn't it?" "Yeah, they're very happy... cannibals." " I have here an outrigger canoe." " Oh, yeah." "I've been on one of those." "This part keeps it afloat, the outrigger part." "You tear through the waves, when you come back you ride the waves." " Basically, it's surfing." " Yeah." "This wood is called wiliwili." " Excuse me?" " Which means...will twice." "Because Hawaiians like to repeat stuff a lot." " Yes!" " They only have 12 letters, so..." "I know a word beginning with W they repeat that is one we use a lot" " on the internet." " Wikipedia." " Wikipedia." "Wiki is..." "Wikiwiki means quick quick." " How many letters did you say they have?" " 12." " Five of those are O." " Hawaii Five-O." " Oh!" "See, nobody got it." "I thought you were just going "Ooh."" "No." "Hawaii Five-O." " Oh, very good." " Some of them come with a pamphlet to explain them." "LAUGHTER" " If you could just read this, please." " Read this literature about the joke." "You'll enjoy it much more." "There's also a word..." " If you can't think of a word in Hawaii just say "Da kine"." " Right." "That means any word you can't think of." "It's a fantastic way of communicating." " The majority of land is owned by the Doyle pineapple company." " Dole." " Dole." " Yeah, Dole." "I thought they'd sold out, cos I was there a year and a half ago, and they'd closed down some of the pineapple plantations." " They bought it back." " Oh, have they?" " Just after you left." " And the highest mountain on the planet is in Hawaii." " Yes!" "Why do we say it's higher than Everest?" "Because the island of Maui is actually..." "The mountain itself is called Mauna Loa." "And from the..." " If you count from the base..." " It is the highest mountain in the world." "Excellent." "Surfing, what can you tell us about surfing?" "Surfing was invented by the Polynesians." "I've never surfed..." "You may be surprised to know." " I've seen some surfing movies." " You've crowd surfed!" " At Blackadder recordings." " Oh, yes, naturally." "There was a mosh pit there." "It's really, really hard." "I surfed when I was younger." "It's very hard to get out behind the waves, so that you catch 'em." "It's very tiring." "I took some lessons in Bondi in Australia, the getting up is very hard." "You know, that chap seems to have got the hang of it." "You lean forward, then when the moment comes, you've got to hop up in a fluid motion." " I go surfing in Devon." " Do you?" " It's great." " Oh, right." " In the winter, it's hardcore, surfing." "You have to wear a wetsuit, hood, gloves," " you know, the whole bit." " Overcoat." "Sometimes." "Sometimes you're in up to your waist." "So how good are you?" "Could you do something like that?" "Oh, yeah." "Seriously, though, can you do it?" "I've got up on the board." " That's more than most of us can do." " It's very hard to get up on the board." "I stood on the board and I was so excited about it," "I immediately fell off." "I went, "Look..." Oh." "Have you done it, Alan?" "I've been on those boogie board things," " where you go on your tummy." " Nah..." "It's good fun." "In Australia, I couldn't, like Rich was saying," "I couldn't get past the waves." "We did a bit of splashing and got a bit tired." "They get a guy on a jet ski to tow you out." "That's the way to do it." "Well, wonderful." "Thank you, Rich Hall, with your gems on Hawaii." "APPLAUSE" "Now, unfortunately, Alan didn't get a holiday this year because, well, he was in detention," " but well done, everybody else." " APPLAUSE" "Let's get hydrographical." " Where in the world are you most likely to see fish falling from the skies?" " Ooh!" "Sardinia." "Good." "Good effort." "I like that." "APPLAUSE" "Finland!" "Finland." "Very good as well." "Oh, he's coming up with fish related puns." "There's a frog interloping on that picture." "It's not just fish." " No." " Is that a clue?" " Well, sort of, there are..." " Bay of Biscay." "No, not the Bay of Biscay." " Um..." " They get carried up, don't they?" "It's to do with climatic conditions." "In a tornado." "So, like in the Bay of Pigs." " Begins with H, it's nearer the Bay of Pigs." " Honduras." " Honduras." "There is a festival every year." "We can't show you film of it, but supposedly in almost every culture there are stories of fish falling from the sky." "There is, in Yoro, the Yoro district of Honduras, they have this festival to celebrate it." "But the frogs go back to, when did frogs fall from the sky?" " Exodus." " Exodus, exactly right." "The plagues in Egypt." "It was the pharaoh in the plagues, the locusts, frogs." "Yes, and what explanations are there for these stories?" "It's winds, high pressure or something and they get kind of "whoosh!"" "Sucked up into a kind of tornado." " Convection." " Sucked up into the sky, carried along, a bit like your picture's illustrating, then all of a sudden, "Whoosh!"" "That's the theory." "Again, it's quite hard to prove." "I thought that had been proved." " Not to my knowledge." " Tornadoes only happen on land, don't they?" " Yes." "Different words for them if they're on the water or land." "I've seen a tornado on the sea." " Have you?" " Down in Devon." " Really?" "I've definitely seen that exact thing." "Didn't last very long, and not enough time for a fish to swim up it, or be sucked up." " No." " But there was a momentary sort of...the kind of twister," " dip down into the water." " Water spout." " Briefly." " Water spout, that's it." "That is one of the theories." "Another is that a river or the sea may, at night, burst over somewhere, depositing fish and then withdraw, and people see the fish in the land where it shouldn't be, and assume that they've dropped from the sky." "It's certainly true that fish eggs drop from the sky." " Yes." " Why would that be?" " Birds eat them." " Birds, exactly." "Occasionally they will hatch cos they land in water and puzzle people." "In certain parts of Honduras it rains fish every single year, or so the locals claim." "How would you like to spend two weeks lying on a pile of parrotfish droppings, covered in phenylbenzimidazole sulfonic acid?" " Does that sound like a good..." " Is that sun cream?" "Oh, very good." "Excellent." "APPLAUSE" "So that may not be such a bad thing after all." " That's lying on a beach covered in sun cream." " Yes." "Parrotfish droppings is a special kind of beach," " the kind we most like." " White sand?" "Soft, white, coral island sand is parrotfish droppings." "It's called a parrotfish because it has a beak like a parrot's and it scrapes away and eats at coral." "And it excretes this white sand." "And each fish will excrete over a ton of it in a year." " Good work." " And lots of them." "That builds up as the white soft sand that is the particularly prized sand of such a beautiful island as that, for example." "Each fish excretes a ton of..." "What?" "!" " A little parrotfish like that?" " Yeah." "Every single day, it's eating it, a ton a year." "I suppose, if you're constantly processing." "How much does your average man excrete in a year?" " I don't know why I'm looking at you." "Why would you know?" " I'm afraid I don't." "Your classical education has failed you again." "Stephen'd knock that up in an afternoon." "The average man will excrete the Isle of Sheppey." "By lunchtime." "And the sun cream?" "What's the maximum sun protection factor, the SPF...?" " 50, isn't it?" " 50, yes." "What does it mean when it's SPF 50?" "You can stay 50 times as long in the sun as you would do if, say, for example, the sun was so hot, you were going to burn in one minute," " if you put that on, you can stay 50 minutes." " That's right." "Or if you put it on in England, you can stay for a lifetime." "While with sand, sand castles." "What do we know about sand castles?" " You need moisture." " You need moisture, how much moisture?" "I would guess, having some experience of this, about a third of the overall amount of sa..." " It's found out to be an eighth." " Yes." "People are very serious about it and these are sand castle competitions, sand sculpture, as they call it." "Do you know where they have the world championship?" " California, I bet." " You'd think it would be." "We might have a picture of a sand sculpture competition." "You might be able to guess where that is." " Spain." " Canadia." " It's Canadia, yeah." " Vancouver." " That's extraordinary, isn't it?" " Yeah." "Imagine you tipped a couple of buckets out and then you looked over and, "Oh, no, that's really...really put that to shame, hasn't it?"" "Yes!" "They do take it very seriously, but there are very strict rules." "Six metres by six metres is your patch and you're only allowed to use sand in your square bit, and you can't add anything." "No adornments, no little flags, no flour and sugar which apparently some cheaters use." "To get more consistency." "Once you've finished it's then sprayed by the judges so that it doesn't crumble then it's judged." "What would you imagine is the world record?" "The longest?" "One mile." "LAUGHTER" " 16 miles. - 16 miles." "Very long, absolutely." "Stretched for over 16 miles, was in Myrtle Beach, Florida." " South Carolina." " Is it South Carolina?" "It is the redneck capital, you would not wish Myrtle Beach on anybody." " Is it a bad place?" " Just a bunch of..." "BANJO PLAYS Those kind of people." "LAUGHTER" ""How y'all doin?" Wooo!" "Myrtle Beach, South Carolina." "Is this a 16-mile long beach that somebody then said was a beach sculpture?" "In the shape of a beach?" "Perfectly representing a beach." "Yeah." "And they go to the judges, here is is, it's a beach." "Oh, my God, it's brilliant." "Well done." "Anyway," "There we were, somehow, talking about sand, and coral, and how lovely it all was." "Sand of coral beaches is made from the excrement of parrotfish." "Now what's so lucky about the unluckiest man in the world?" "That's not him, that's an amusing assemblage of superstitions." "He got killed by a horseshoe." "This man is either the unluckiest or the luckiest, depends which way you look at it." "Something like he's had more operations or accidents..." "More Claims Direct things than anyone, but he's still alive." "Bear in mind we're after places and things beginning with H, and if I tell you his name, this may help." "His name is Tsutomu Yamaguchi." "I say "is", he actually died in January 2010." "At age 93, so he lived a long time, so he wasn't that unlucky, you may say." "So where's the H...?" " Yamaguchi would suggest he came from..." " H..." "Holland." "Harwich." " You can do better than that." " I'd have said Japan." "Japan." "Now think of a place in Japan that begins with H." " Hokkaido." " Hiroshima." " Oh, Hiroshima." "Hiroshima." "Right." " He was..." " The bomb landed on him and bounced off." "No." "He was in Hiroshima on business when the bomb went off." "He was badly burned, he spent a night there." " He went to hospital in Nagasaki." " The next day... he got on a train, bizarrely, which shows that, even though the atom bomb fell, the trains were working." "So he got on a train to Nagasaki and a bomb fell again." "And he was celebrated." "He became a sort of hero, but only in his '90s." "He was officially recognised as the man bombed twice." "He claims that there were over 100 people he met who also had that same, or a similar, experience." "And he had a network of friends." "But he was a cheerful fellow, as you can see, and died aged 93." "He doesn't look that cheerful there." " Wedged between two mushroom clouds." " It's happening again!" " What are the chances?" " It is astonishing." "He's either the luckiest because he survived an atom bomb twice" " or the unluckiest..." " He lived till 93, so at least," " you know, his life was not curtailed." " No, exactly." "Is the glass half-empty, is it half-full?" "Either way, it's radioactive." "So don't drink it." "He never got the train again." "The astonishing thing to me is that you drop an atom bomb on Hiroshima and the train service is working the next day." " In our country..." " Keep calm and carry on!" " Uh-huh." " A couple of leaves." "That's it." " Yeah, that's it for the rest of the winter." ""It's the wrong kind of bomb." "Oh it's the wrong kind of bomb(!" ")"" "LAUGHTER" "Clearly the right kind of bomb!" ""It's fine, everybody." "Don't worry." "Right kind of bomb."" ""A right kind of bomb has landed on the 4.30 from Potters Bar." ""Please proceed to the nuclear area."" "I suspect they weren't privately owned." ""The sandwiches have not been affected."" "LAUGHTER" "They could withstand a nuclear blast anyway!" "There you are." "Extraordinary man, there." "Tsutomu Yamaguchi." "Either the luckiest or unluckiest man in history." "Hit by two nuclear bombs - survived them both." "But what was the largest steam engine of all time used for?" "I know that one." "BUZZER" "The SS Great Britain." "No." "Again places beginning with H." " Oh..." "A HUGE boat." " Holland." " Holland." "I said Holland before!" "LAUGHTER" " Will it be reclaiming land?" " Yeah, you're absolutely right." " Tugging the sea back." " Exactly." "Reclaiming land." "The Polder Land they call it" " in Holland." "Some might say that the Haarlemmermeer..." " Yeah." "..is the largest man-made structure, if you can call it man-made, on earth." "It's obviously nature, but..." "Schiphol Airport is on reclaimed land." "First to go when the old Polar Cap melts." " Blub, blub..." " I'm afraid it will have a..." " Yeah." "It's a constant battle against nature." "Schiphol." "Crazy place." "Yeah, I went through Schiphol Airport and I had a guitar with me and the bloke said, "What is in the case please?"" "I went, "Here we go." "Anything to do with drugs."" "I opened up and I went, "It's a guitar." "It's a guitar."" "They're so cool." "The guy's there, I went, "It's a guitar"." "He went, "That's no guitar, that's a Gibson 71 with a flying pickup!"" "LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE" " Oh that's funny." " So I went, "You guys, you guys are cool, yeah?"" ""Hey let's jam a little bit."" ""No, I've got to go." "You're weird!"" "LAUGHTER" " "Get off!"" " Charming English friendliness!" ""Hey, we have an amplifier system in the Customs Office." "Come on, guys!"" "The Dutch indeed reclaimed a lot of their land because it's low lying, it's the Low Countries." "They're called that not by accident." "One of the flattest places in the world, Holland." "Very, very flat." "Yes." "Talk to be about dykes." "Dykes." "OK, Um..." "LAUGHTER" "All right, in a normal way or in.." "or in some crazy kind of double entendre way?" "What is a dyke?" "A dyke is a kind of a levee, as you would say." "What's the difference between a dyke and a dam then?" "It is an old word for dam, actually." "The famous story of the boy that put the finger in the hole and stepped in the dyke, yeah." " And stemmed the flow." " The odd thing about that story is that it's not Dutch." "Is it not?" "No, it's an American story written in the 19th century." "Yeah." "And most Dutch people don't know it." "They know so many Americans and British people know it, they actually have statues of this boy, Hans or whatever, who put his finger... in a dyke." "Why dyke for lesbian?" "Oh, now, that's a tricky one." "Well, bulldyker was the original phrase." "It was a verb to mean to engage in lesbian activities - was attested from 1921, cos about 20-odd years before that, the word dyke was slang for the vulva." "Oh, good lord!" " Right." " Why didn't they just call it a family run around with an excellent safety record." "LAUGHTER" "You're silly!" " I am a bit silly, Stephen, you're right." " You are silly." "Very charming." "The largest steam engine of all time..." " HE LAUGHS - was used to drain a large chunk of the Netherlands." "Now imagine you're in the middle of Epping Forest and you know the closest pub is due north." "Where you want to be is due north but you haven't got a compass." "How can you make sure that you walk straight to this pub you know is due north?" "I would follow the trail of sovereign rings." "Let's imagine there is no sovereign rings." "Follow the Epping New Road and it goes straight north right the way through." "If you found it that would be helpful." " You find a tree..." " Yeah?" " With moss on it." " Oh?" "ALARM SHRIEKS" " Why do you say moss?" " He's right." " I've heard that." " The opposite side's dry and you sit there and wait for someone to come along and ask them where the pub is." "No, you had heard, and many people have heard and seem to think that moss grows on the north side of trees." "But it's not true." " Find a pine needle..." " It will grow on the north but also the east and west and south." "So don't rely on that as a kind of..." "That would not be helpful." "What other ways are there of finding north without a compass?" "Sun rising and sun setting, that's a good one." "Due east and due west, but only in an equinox, which only happens twice a year." "Wait for an equinox." "Might be difficult if you're..." "No more than 6 months." "You might be in the solstice which is the opposite." "Do you know the one with a watch?" "Go and buy a watch." "No, no, no." "Buy a watch with a compass on it." "That would be cheating, but no, you point the hour hand, the little hand, at the sun, exactly at the sun and then exactly between that and 12, is roughly south." "So you go to the opposite direction of that." "Unless it's daylight standard time." "Then you're swinging a couple miles from the pub." "Just travel always with Bear Grylls and Ray Mears, and they will make you a compass out of their toes." " Or something." " Or their eyebrows." "You can float a pine-needle on water." " Yes, you could do that..." " Just to kill time." "You can float a razorblade in water" "And if it's magnetised it would as a compass." "All of which aimless rambling brings us to the tourist trap of general ignorance." "What was the answer to the last one?" "If you get lost in Epping Forest, just listen for the traffic and then go towards it." "You could use the stars, cos the stars are fixed points." "so wait for night, yeah?" "Do you know how to read the stars?" "Seriously, listen for the traffic." "LAUGHTER" "Be much quicker." "You wait for the stars, I'll, er, go over there." "What's that constellation there?" " Uranus?" " Yeah, the plough, the dipper." "And do you know how you might find the north star, what is the name of the north star?" "Um..." "Star du nord?" "LAUGHTER" "Polaris." "It's called Polaris." "You take, on the right hand, those two there, sort of form the end of the cart or whatever, if you follow them up in a line you will get to the north star above." "which is, as it were, hangs over the North Pole." "You just keep heading towards it?" " As it were." " As it were, yes." "You look at it and you're heading north." "I mean they're mostly really good navigators, even today they use it still, if things go wrong with GPS or whatever." "They know that it's a degree out and they know how to compensate for it over long distances." "Still very reliable." "There are 57 stars to be used..." "What if you're in the southern hemisphere?" "I guess you use the Southern Cross do you?" " Yes." " But the strange thing, if you are lost, and you hear people say" ""I ended up where I started," this happens all the time." "If you blindfold someone and tell them to walk in a straight line, within 66 feet they will be back where they started." "That quickly." "You go in circles." "We all do." "Why do you think that is?" " Homing pigeons, we're descended from homing pigeons." " Yeah." "We're asymmetrical." " One leg shorter than the other?" "LAUGHTER" "A lot of loose change in one pocket." "Is it some evolutionary sort of, er..." " To help you find the cave in the dark." " Yeah." "So you don't wander off." "Nice thought, I like that thought." "So fingers on buzzers, please." "Which country contains the most of the River Nile?" "BUZZER" " Egypt." " Oh!" " HOOTER AND BELL" " Anybody else?" " Is it Uganda?" "Not..." "It is..." "The Nile does go through Uganda, but that's not the most of it." " Most of the River Nile is in..." " Chad." " No." " Belgium." "LAUGHTER" " You're groping." " Buying time, I'm buying time." "Romania." " Djibouti." " Sudan is the right answer." "If you look at a map you will see it is massively the most." "It is the largest country in Africa." "Look how much of the Nile goes through Sudan." "It nearly decides to come back again." "It does." "It goes up and then back down again all the way through to Uganda." "So why...?" "Does Egypt have the sponsorship deal?" "Like when Pepsi sponsor The Rolling Stones." "Is there some kind of...?" " It's the fertility from the delta down through there." " Is a lot of Sudan desert?" " Yeah." " Pretty much I fear." " OK." "But it's huge." "It is the biggest country in Africa, Sudan, in fact." " But the bottom is called...?" " Lake Victoria." " Victoria, yes." "And where is the source of the Nile?" " It's not the um..." " It's Rwanda, in fact, though it was thought to be where it ends in Uganda - the green one there." "Jinja, the north of Lake Victoria." " The source of The Nile is Rwanda." " It's now determined to be Rwanda, yes." "A bit controversial because it goes into the Lake and out the other side." "But apparently that's what riverologists, as it were, now claim." "How long is it?" "It must be..." "thousands of... 3,000 miles." "3,000 miles?" "4,000 miles." "Any advance or retardation?" "I'll say 5,000 miles to enter into the spirit of things." " It's 4,184 miles." " Sounds about right." "You said 5,000 and you said 3,000." "I said 4,172." "LAUGHTER" "Just very quietly when people were talking." "You big cheater." "HE MUMBLES" "A big cheetah." "Grrr!" "4,182 miles long." "Jolly long." "What does this part of the world belong to?" "There's Sudan again, there's Egypt, which country owns that circled area?" "Well it's coloured in yellow, colour of Egypt." "Is it one of ours, sir?" "Do we still hang on to it?" "It's called Bir Twalli." "Does it belong to Sudan or to Egypt, which do you think?" "HORN SOUNDS Sudan!" "Oh, what a pity!" "ALARM RINGS" "So it belongs to?" "Could have been the other one then?" "Could have been the other one, yeah the one above." "Which is?" "Maybe." "But what's that other stripy area next to it?" " Good question." " That's the query my pitch and no mistake, officer." "Oh, wait a minute, isn't that the loose coalition area between Egyptand Sudan?" "The Lib Dems." "The Lib Dems own it!" "LAUGHTER" "It's known as the Hala'ib Triangle." "The British drew that line and said, you can be Egypt and you can be Sudan." "But the point is that the Bir Tawil is pretty arid, nothing much there of any interest." "But the one next to it, which is disputed, is worth having." " Oil." " Yeah." "The problem is both Egypt and Sudan deny that they own that because they think if they deny they own that, they'd be getting more of a chance for someone to arbitrate that they do have the valuable one." "Each country is desperate to say that it doesn't own it, which is rather rare." "It's available, let's snap it up." "LAUGHTER" "So this is ongoing." "Ongoing, yeah." "Dispute." "Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia have tunnelled beneath the Red Sea..." "And stolen the triangle and taken it away!" "The area of Bir Tawill sits between Egypt and Sudan." "Both countries are fighting over the right to not own it." "So we're currently now, not giving too much away, in a studio in London" "Where is the nearest piece of American soil to us here?" "Grosvenor Square?" " No!" " HOOTER AND BELL" "A pity, but the fact is that most people wrongly think..." "You're right that the American Embassy is in Grosvenor Square - at the moment." "They're about to move it." "But an embassy is not considered the sovereign soil of the nation whose embassy it is." "It belongs to Britain, the soil there." "It's not American soil." "This is a myth, this idea that the moment you step foot you're on American soil." "They wanted to buy the lease." "Who owns Grosvenor Square?" "The Duke Of Westminster I expect." "The Grosvenor family, yeah, the Duke Of Westminster." "They asked for the freehold, and do you know what he said?" "He said, "Yes, if you give my family back the State Of Virginia which you confiscated from us..." "LAUGHTER" " So..." " Yeah!" " ..they decided not to." " Um..." " Good work, the Duke Of Westminster." "I like him already." " Very funny." "But there IS American soil in Britain." "The nearest to us is in Surrey." "It's a tiny area." "It's a memorial, a place in Surry famous for an extraordinary British event in 1215." "Do you know what that is?" "The signing of the Magna Carta." "BILL BAILEY:" "I know where it is." "BUZZER" " Runnymede." " Runnymede." " Runnymede?" " Yes." "But what is the memorial in Runnymede?" " There's a JFK memorial." " It's the memorial to John F Kennedy." " I've been there." "I've been there." " Yeah!" "And it's deliberately this sort of isometric, or whatever the word is, asymmetric steps, higgledy-piggledy, to suggest a journey of pilgrimage towards him and it is officially American soil." "Anyway, embassies belong to the country they're sityuated in." "So the US embassy is not American territory, but there is some US soil at the JFK Memorial." "what might land on your head if you live under a flight path?" "I know what you get if you sit under a cow." "LAUGHTER" " Right." " A pat on the head!" " Heyyy!" "Very nice." "Urine, frozen urine." " Frozen urine." " HOOTER AND BELL" "Nay!" "No!" "That won't happen." "They do not jettison their poo or their pee." " Is this the blue ice?" " I think that's loo water that's frozen." "But it just doesn't happen." "It's completely sealed in." " Is it pollution?" " You might get ordinary ice from the wings because..." " Wings, yeah." " From the engines and the wings, but you will not get poo or pee water." " Cos they don't jettison it?" " They never jettison it." " Unless they're over Kent." " Unless they're over Kent." "Unless you do it out the window." "Yes." "Oh, my goodness, that's a closey, isn't it?" "Good gracious." " There we go." " Very cheap flat indeed." " but some trains still however do, just when you flush..." " Do they?" " ..it goes onto the track." " Is that why they say don't do it while waiting in the station?" "I thought that was because they might be changing the barrel." " Like in a pub with beer?" "Goodness me!" "What a thought." " Taking a barrel out at Crewe." "So aeroplanes don't dump their waste while in flight." "If some ice falls off a plane it probably came from the wings." "Which country has the lowest age of consent in Europe?" "Kazakhstan." "In Europe." "In Europe." "BUZZER" " Holland." " No." "Not Holland." " Is it a H?" " No, it's not." "Well there's..." "The person who runs it is a double H." " Oh, er, Holiness?" " Yes!" " His Holiness?" " Yes." " The Vatican." " The Vatican City has the lowest age of consent." "Age of 12 is the age of consent in the Vatican City." " Gasp!" " Yes, quite!" " 12?" " It's for peculiar reasons." " It's because..." " I think we know what the reasons are, Stephen." "LAUGHTER" "It's to do with the Lateran Treaty in which the Vatican City became a sort of sovereign state." "So they elected to choose the laws of Italy from 1924 and it so happened that then Italy changed its consent from 12 to 16 and the Vatican didn't and they've never bothered to change it since." "But is it something that's followed, or is it just, it's one of those old laws but in reality it's frowned upon, if you were to, you know..." "Oh, I don't think they would, no, I think it would be frowned upon." "I'm not even sure they have citizens who are likely to get married, or even..." "Who knows." "It's very peculiar." "The only people who can vote are Cardinals under the age of 80." "That's the only voting they have is for the Pope and the people who vote for the Pope are Cardinals." "Peculiar city in that sense." "It also has the highest crime rate." "Yeah." "By a long way as I..." "What would you say its population is?" "Five." "LAUGHTER" " Five..." "I'd say 800." " 500 is the answer." " Yes. - 500, but there are 600 offences per year." " What sort of offences?" " Well." " Family." "A really bad family." "They've got tyres out in the front drive." "If you knock on the door they knock you out." "Proportionately, per capita, it has the highest rate in the world." " A lot of 11 year-olds getting married." " Yeah." "That's what it is exactly." "But it has the most helipads and TV stations per capita in the world as well." " It's a strange place." " Nuts." " Yeah." "The Vatican City has the lowest age of consent and the highest crime rate anywhere in Europe." "But alas our holiday romance is nearly over." "Let's see who's scored." "Uh." "Ah!" "We have a clear winner." "A clear winner with plus 7 it's Rob Brydon!" "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH" "And...only 12 points behind on minus five, Rich Hall." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "In third place on minus 22, Bill Bailey." "CHEERING AND APPLAUSE" "And with minus 28 is Alan Davies." "APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH" "So all that's left for me to do is to thank Rich, Rob, Bill and of course Alan and I leave you with this." "The extremely fragile jazz singer Billie Holiday said," ""Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married." ""He was 18, she was 16, and I was three."" "Goodnight." "APPLAUSE"