"Oh, mother." "I really don't want to meet your friend's daughter." "No, it's not because she's fat." "Though that's not a selling point." "No, I'm not all alone." "I live with Freddie." "Yes, he still lives here." "No, he doesn't want to meet her either." "I realise you've been waiting a very long time for grandchildren, dear." "Keep hanging in there." "I'll call you later." "Grandchildren?" "How much longer does she expect to be alive?" "She's practically a medical experiment already." "Scientists should be taking her apart and studying her." "Beginning with the head." "You can hear me talking from way upstairs but not when we are in the same room." "I can hear I just hate the sound of your voice." "It's unpleasant to the ear." "Although still preferable to your face!" "Well, I'm her only son." "It's understandable that she'd want a grandchild." "What does she want to do with one?" "Eat it?" "Well, I would have hoped she'd have figured out our situation by now." "I have been dropping little clues." "Yes, like living with a man for 48 years." "She doesn't seem to be picking up on that one." "My agent hasn't called this morning, has he?" "No." "He also hasn't called the 200 mornings before this." "I don't know why I haven't heard from him lately." "Four older actors died last month." "The phone should be ringing off the hook." "Are you all right?" "It's just that I haven't worked for a while and I'm a bit scared that perhaps I'm..." "If you need to talk about it - Of course I don't need to!" "So you can stop nagging me." "And don't you dare mention it with your bizarrely tiny mouth either." "I'm sure things will pick up." "Yes." "Hopefully more actors will die soon." "Specifically you." "Aaah!" "Hi." "Is this a bad time?" "Oh, of course not." "Come in, Ash." "Can I get you a cup of tea?" "That'd be great." "Thanks." "Please sit." "What can we do for you, Ash?" "You know how important you've both been to me these last few months." "I don't know what I'd have done if I hadn't met you when I moved to London." "Mostly me, though, right?" "What's his face here is fairly useless." "That's the one thing he can do." "Pour tea." "Oops." "Spilt a bit." "No, not even that." "Well, we are very fond of you too, Ash." "So I wanted you to be the first ones that I told." "I think I might be..." "I knew it!" "In love with my girlfriend." "Oooh!" "We're very happy for you but we haven't heard you mention a new girlfriend." "Yeah, I know but she's really special and I wanted to be sure." "Are you certain?" "Everything you're telling us about her is raising all sorts of red flags." "But I haven't told you anything about her." "Exactly." "Well, she's smart and pretty and funny." "And she doesn't mind I wake up in the middle of the night screaming." "Well... it's lovely that she doesn't mind that disturbing thing you do." "That you should probably be in therapy for." "I know, right." "Well, I really want you both to meet her." "Why not bring her to dinner?" "Tonight." "Yeah?" "That'll be great." "She's a vegan, though." "That's all right." "We'll have chicken." "Hello." "Oh, hello, Violet." "How's Argentina?" "Hello, darling." "Do you miss me?" "Yes, of course we miss you." "It's Violet calling." "You remember our friend Violet?" "Hi." "Well, how are things in Buenos Aires with the new boyfriend?" "Well, there have been a few hiccups." "Ignasio's wife has been terribly unreasonable." "Did I mention I've discovered he has a wife?" "No, you did not mention that." "Don't worry." "I'm not letting him take advantage of me, though." "As soon as he learns more English," "I'm going to ask when he plans on leaving her." "Hang up." "It's long distance." "She called us." "Hang up anyway." "Well, listen, Violet." "I have to go." "Yes, so do I, darling." "Ignasio's planned a very romantic evening." "Just as soon as he's finished celebrating his wife's birthday." "It sounds heaven." "Talk soon." "You're lucky you're straight, Ash." "Otherwise, you'll get one of these women who'll latch on to you for decades and never let go." "But you love her." "Yes." "We like her." "Almost finished." "There." "Bollocks." "That was a bitch." "I just put it down on my foot." "Help me get it off." "It's too heavy." "But you could manage it before." "Yes and I've had two mini strokes since." "Oh." "It won't budge." "It's really jammed into something." "Yeah." "My foot." "Damn it!" "There's Ash and his girlfriend." "Well, he'll be able to help with the table." "Please don't say anything." "It's too embarrassing." "I don't want him to think I can't move a table." "Hello, Ash." "It's Ash." "Come and say hello." "I can see him from here, you idiot." "And you are?" "This is my girlfriend, Chloe." "Girlfriend." "I just love the sound of that word." "I find boyfriend has more of a ring to it." "You must be Freddie." "I'm so excited to meet you." "Can I have a hug?" "I'd prefer not if that's an option." "You were right, Ash." "He's so dashing." "Well, maybe a very little one." "No, I meant with Ash." "Yoo-hoo!" "Hello." "Over here." "Hello, dear." "I'm Stuart." "Hi." "I'm having such a super fun time already." "Well, I'm glad that you've set a very low bar for the evening." "We've brought you a candle." "I made it myself." "I make candles." "And soap." "Not only is she beautiful, she's talented." "Ash, stop it." "I am very creative, though." "Ooh, God." "And I hear you're an actor so I guess we've got a lot in common." "Well, if the criterion you're going by is we both use soap," "I suppose the answer is still no." "How's it going down there, Stuart?" "Not as well as I had hoped." "Please sit." "Can I get either of you a drink?" "I'd love some sparkling water." "Just a beer for me, thanks." "I'll get it." "I'm all right." "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Well, I'm so conditioned to being a good host" "I forgot I was stuck." "Oh, but it worked." "I'm free." "And my toe nail was black already so..." "Are you all right, Stuart?" "Everything is tickety-boo, thanks." "He was just stuck under the table and couldn't lift it off." "Poor little thing." "Now why would you say that?" "I specifically asked you not to." "Oh, I forgot." "I'm sorry." "I won't mention it again." "He put the table right down on his toe." "And then wouldn't let me tell you." "What a moron, right?" "Ouch." "That must have hurt." "No, not really." "It was on his dead toe." "His body is slowly shutting down." "Gosh." "That's so sad." "No, he's just joking, dear." "He's going to die first." "Possibly tonight." "Well, it does seem to be the only way out of this relationship!" "What an awful thing to say." "Oh, they're just teasing, Chloe." "Oh, I get it." "I love how you both still have a sense of humour." "What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?" "Still?" "!" "It means you look like a rotting corpse." "No." "No." "No." "That's not what I meant at all." "Perhaps you could carve it into a bar of soap." "To help us better understand." "I'm very sorry if I've offended - They're just playing with you." "Oh." "Yes, we're just playing." "Remember you're having a 'super fun' time." "Oh." "Sparkling water." "How dreary." "It's very scrummy if you add lemon." "You just looked so adorable when you said that." "Oh, I love you so much." "I love you so much more." "Jesus Christ!" "It's like a car crash." "You can't take your eyes off it." "It's so inspiring you've both been together so long." "How do you do it?" "Well, I mostly attribute it to the fact that he won't leave." "When the time comes, I'm going to so enjoy unplugging you." "You're joking again." "Yes." "Ha-ha." "What a delightful laugh you have there." "It isn't irritating at all." "Are you sure we can't get you a proper drink?" "Oh, no." "She never drinks." "Isn't that right, Chloe?" "It's true." "And nothing could give me more of a high than being with Ash." "Have you tried cocaine?" "You seem so devoted to each other." "Do you never argue?" "Never." "I just don't see how two people in love can ever say cruel things to each other." "I was saying the same thing the other day to that piece of shit down there." "Well, I must go and check on dinner." "And feed the dog." "Oh, you have a dog!" "I love dogs." "Can I see him?" "Yes, of course." "He doesn't move much because he's so old." "But you can help me scrape the crust out of his ears." "Well, what do you think?" "She's a dream." "I'm so glad." "It's really important to me that you like her." "Well, I do." "I especially like the way her constant enthusiasm doesn't get on my nerves." "Oh, did Balthazar yawn on you, dear?" "It's OK." "I'm fine." "Just a little nauseated." "Ooh, but he's adorable." "You should have seen him when he had fur on both eyes." "Did you miss me?" "I missed you tons." "Well, that's it, then." "I'm never leaving you alone again." "No running!" "Well, dinner's almost ready." "Can I top up anybody's drink?" "Yes, please." "Tell us, what crime against nature will you be serving this evening." "Well, that depends." "Will you be eating with or without your teeth?" "I liked you better when you were trapped under the table leg." "Will you stop bringing that up?" "It was humiliating enough." "Not as humiliating as your swan dive on to the floor." "It was like Tom Daley had suddenly aged 100 years." "How would you like it if I said something that would upset you?" "What on earth are you babbling about?" "Something that I wasn't supposed to mention with my bizarrely tiny mouth." "You wouldn't dare." "Freddie's scared he's never going to work again." "How does that feel?" "I never said such a thing and you swore you wouldn't mention it." "He only earned Ј300 last month." "That was a cheque for a cigarette commercial he did 47 years ago." "I'm proud of that commercial." "I got a lot of people to start smoking." "I'm getting really uncomfortable, Ash." "It's OK." "They're always like this." "Well, it makes me uncomfortable." "It shouldn't." "Are you telling me how I should feel?" "No." "And I kind of wish you wouldn't put words in my mouth." "Everything all right?" "Yes, fine." "Do you know what?" "I think I will have that drink." "Ah." "Now the evening's picking up." "And thank you again for the homemade candle, dear." "We so prefer it to the traditional gift of a bottle of wine." "Why haven't you eaten anything, dear?" "I'm a vegan." "Yes." "That's why I made chicken." "She doesn't eat any meat." "Or dairy." "It's really getting to be quite a..." "Quite what?" "Quite... adorable." "Oh, because it sounded as if you were about to say annoying." "Can I have another drink?" "Why don't you just keep it by you, dear?" "Would you like any pills to go with that?" "Maybe you've had enough to drink." "I'm just trying to have a good time." "Why don't you have some of the salad, dear?" "It only has a little bacon in it." "I can't eat bacon." "Not even the edges?" "Oh, just eat it, for Christ's sake." "Hello." "Freddie, is that you?" "Oh, hello, Vi..." "It's Violet." "Oh, you remember our friend, Violet?" "Hi." "Everything all right over there?" "Not terrific, to be honest." "I'm afraid I'm in a bit of a pickle." "I only wish this were a better time to talk." "I'll make it quick then." "Ignasio was being a little... erm... romantic earlier... and handcuffed me to the bed post." "But now he seems to have stepped out for a while." "I think he might have accidentally taken my wallet and passport." "And... erm... also the key to the handcuffs." "And I'm not sure if he's coming back." "That wasn't quick." "I think I'm going to need you to contact the Embassy, Freddie." "Yes, of course." "Just as soon as we've finished dinner." "Everything all right." "Yes, fine." "It's empty." "Too bad you can't drink a candle." "Perhaps that's why guests usually bring wine." "I'm really enjoying the salad, Stuart." "Everything's great, isn't it, Chloe?" "I wouldn't know because I can't eat anything." "Here." "It's bread." "Erm... actually, that's sausage bread, dear." "I'd like to go, Ash." "We can't go." "It would be rude." "I don't think it's possible to be rude here." "My glass is empty, Stuart." "Why is that?" "I don't know." "I'm not a waiter." "You're not?" "Because you were one when I met you." "Watch it, Freddie!" "I'm warning you." "You shouldn't be drinking." "I like it." "It's the only thing that makes your voice less grating." "Oh, I hate Stuart's voice too." "Your candle smells like shit." "Actually, I think that's Balthazar." "I only make those stupid candles to get away from you." "You're a needy, suffocating, little man-boy." "And you're drunk." "Oh, now she's interesting." "I don't like the way you are when you drink." "It's ugly." "You remind me of my mother before she went to prison." "Didn't you also tell us that your father was in prison?" "This might be why you're waking up screaming every night." "I'm sick of behaving how you want me to behave, you pathetic twat." "I only want you to behave like a human being." "Not a drunken slag!" "Do you hear how they talk to each other?" "Kill me if that's ever us." "Why are you hanging out with these men?" "They're awful." "It's a house of horrors." "What men?" "Could she be talking about us?" "Don't say that about my friends." "Your friends?" "You're 22." "So what?" "I thought he was 35." "They've been horrible all night." "Why do you even spend time with them?" "Because I enjoy their company unlike yours." "You prefer their company to mine." "These two." "The two of them." "Yes, she's definitely talking about us." "I'm going to be somebody, Ash." "I'm gonna make soap and candles and cupcakes and handbags and open a shop one day and sell them all." "It sounds like it's going to be a very confusing shop." "You just want me to support you but you don't support me." "You don't even know what it is you want to do!" "That's because I haven't figured it out yet!" "I can be anything I want." "Right, Freddie?" "Of course you can." "Are you serious?" "You're really gonna listen to this washed-up actor that no-one's ever even heard of?" "All right." "That is quite enough." "I'll have you know that Freddie Thornhill has worked on the stage, screen and television for over 50 years." "He has had an extraordinary career." "So what if he has hit a bit of a dry spell?" "He is by no means washed up and never will be." "So do not presume to tell us anything about our lives, young lady." "We will not be talked down to in our own home." "We are accomplished men." "Quite capable of anything." "Should I show them out?" "Please." "I think I'm stuck again." "Not one of our better dinner parties, I'm afraid." "Poor Ash." "Well, he wanted to be straight." "That's what he gets." "Hello." "Hello, Violet." "Oh, bugger!" "Oh, Stuart darling." "Thank God." "The police finally came and freed me from the handcuffs." "What are you talking about?" "Didn't Freddie tell you?" "Didn't Freddie tell me?" "Oh, yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Of course." "Yes, I forgot." "They found my passport but in order to get it back," "I'm going to have to pay a bribe." "So I need you to transfer..." "Hold on, dear." "We have another call." "Hello?" "Yes, he's right here." "It's your agent." "Jeremy, it's rather late to be calling." "A job." "Yes, I think I'm available." "Oh, they say my Downton Abbey where I dropped the potatoes, did they?" "All right." "Thank you." "Well?" "I've been offered a part on Call The Midwife." "I'm going to be playing a man who delivers his granddaughter's Siamese twins." "Oh, wonderful!" "No, don't answer that."