"But if she's saying "you're so vain" because the dude thinks the song is about him, and the song is actually about him, then he's not vain, he's just right, right?" "If I agree with you on this can't we put "don't fear the reefer" to bed forever?" "Fine with me." "Narc." "Hey, dad, I had a problem at school." "Why don't you grab us a couple of beers, OK?" " Great." "That'll take the edge off." " Not for you." "For me and him." "Well..." "I was at gym class, showering with all the guys." "I accidentally slipped on a bar of soap." "Why don't you make it a 6-pack, Mitch?" "So I went to reach for something to brace myself because it's human instinct" " right?" " Right." "And so, what I grabbed was Chris Melnick's Junk." "Fill your pockets, Mitch." "Grab as many as you can carry." "Now all the guys are calling me Doorknob." "Gosh." "That's not good." "How many people know about this?" "Bathroom's free, Doorknob." "It's getting out there." "OK, what's the problem?" "We got a nickname situation here." " How bad is it?" " Doorknob." "What did you do, grab a guy's panhandle?" " This happened to you?" " No." "No way." "It happened to a kid in our high school, though." "Ending up killing himself." "Oh, my god." "No, it's not gonna happen to you, all right?" "I mean, this kid had a lot of other stuff going on." "Look." "Son, this isn't a big deal." "You're gonna get past this, OK?" "You don't want to get stuck with a nickname." "Once those things catch on, they'll stick with for the rest of your life." "I mean, we know a bunch of those guys." "Tugger." "Mr. Peanut," "Fatty Mcfatterson of the Connecticut Mcfattersons." "You know what, we get it there, Mitch." "Son, here's the thing." "You have to do something that will eliminate this nickname." "You either have to get in a fight, pull a prank, or have a legendary party." "But you got to do it quick before this nickname sticks." "OK?" "All right, dad." "I'll think of something." "All right." " That's solid advice there, tugger." " Shut up!" " Hey, guys." " You know what, Allison, all right, when we went to Kathy Polasik's party and I was in the bathroom for a really long time, I had the stomach ache?" "Will you tell Mitch nothing else was going on in there?" "He had a stomach ache." "Is that what you wanted me to say, tugger?" "Gary, this is Louise's dance stuff." "And just a reminder, howard and I are going to sante fe this weekend, so you go the kids." "No." "No, I don't." "You have the kids 'cause i'm taking Mitch out for his last night out before he goes back to active duty." "I don't know what to tell you." "We bought plane tickets already." "I can watch Louise." "Aren't I old enough to baby-sit?" "I don't know, honey." "I mean." "Wait a minute." "We're only gonna be gone a couple hours." "What kind of legendary trouble could he possibly get into?" "Come on, I'm responsible." "Plus, Louise listens to me." "Watch." "Louise, come pick up your bag." "Why don't you pick it up?" "I hear you're good at grabbing stuff." "= 204 =- "Gary Shoots Fish in a Barrel"" "VO By : ¤Aka¤" "Team Subs-Addicts"" "Curtis, are you coming out with us?" "We're, having a big night out before big brother goes overseas." "Hell yes, man." "What are we thinking about?" "First I thought we'd go to the buggy whip for some nice steaks, then we head on over to champs for some nonstop sports highlights." "Wait, wait." "Hold on a second." "Your big send-off for him going to the marines is cut-rate meat and a bunch of guys running around in uniform?" " What's wrong with that?" " That is the marines." "Let me tell you what we're gonna do on friday night?" "You and Mitch are gonna come with me to a bar down in the Marina called fish in a barrel." "It is a Mecca for divorced women n their thirties and forties looking for nothing more than a roll in the hay." "Well, Gary, I do love steak, but I have to admit, something sounds very intriguing about guaranteed sex." "Man, you're divorced." "Do you know how many married men fantasize about sleeping around with a bunch of different women?" "You got the golden ticket, and you're not even entering the chocolate factory with grandpa Joe." "I don't know." "That's not my scene, man." "I'm a relationship guy." "I just want to sit on the couch with someone who'll let me watch whatever I want." "You've been in relationships your entire life and they've always, always been a failure." "You cheated on Stephanie Schaedel and she burnt your entire record collection." "Half my record collection." "She only got Allman brothers up to Metallica." "Then you move right onto Allison and she takes everything you've got, including your CD collection." "Half my CD collection." "Nirvana to Zappa." "Does any of the above sound fun to you at all?" "Dating is the fun part." "Try a few ice cream flavors with the little spoons before you go for the weird bubblegum one with the chunks in it." "All right, you know what, friday night, fish in a barrel, I'm in." "I'll even bring my little spoon." "All right, that's what I'm talking about." "Hey, and any guy who doesn't wake up with Rug Burns," "Claw Marks, and their name hickied across their chest is a loser." "We're gonna be gone a couple hours, so, don't do anything too legendary, like grab all that extra toilet paper" "I bought and T.P the principal's house, OK?" "And I definitely hope you're not planning on turning to the back of this free newspaper and calling any of these numbers under "Pretty Women."" "Mitch, that might be a little too legendary, OK?" "Guys, don't worry about it." "I got this whole nickname thing under control, OK." "Hey, attaboy, Tommy." "Way to grab this nickname thing by the..." "You know what, bad analogy." "Good job." "Come on, let's go." "You do know the difference between legendary and illegal, right?" "Yeah." "It's illegal to steal the rival high school's mascot, but it's legendary to return it pregnant." "So, what's your plan, Doorknob?" "Check it out, right." "I found this movie in a bag in the garage." "It's rated "R."" "So?" "So?" "I'm gonna be the guy who gets rated "R" movies for people, OK." "I'll be Mr. Movie." "The dirty movie man." "Pervert hoover." "The important thing is, Doorknob, it's gonna be a thing of the past." "What's the movie?" "Shouldn't we watch it so we can know your product?" "I've never heard of it before, but it's called candyman, so kids are gonna like it." "How come the guy on the cover has a hook for a hand?" "I don't know." "Maybe he puts marshmallows on it or something, right." "This is gonna be great." "Staff sergeant Mitchell Brooks reporting for booty." "Now, remember, we are only here for one-night stands." "No deep conversations, no "I feel like I've known you my whole life," and most importantly, no real names." "You're only here for sex?" "No reason to make it personal." "Look at them, I've never seen a more pathetic group of people in my life." "They're like rescue dogs pressing their sad faces against the bar begging you to take pity and take them home." " What are you doing here?" " Needleman and I had a big fight." "And, you know, we may have broken up, so." "Anyway, I'm meeting some friends, and they're already inside." "Now they're only letting girls in if they're, you know, with guys, so." "That's terrible for you." "So long." " All right, Allison, come on." " Thanks, guys." "This place is going on, man." " This is gonna be like..." " Yeah, shooting fish in a Barrel." "OK, I get it." "I found my people, so listen, since i'm not going away," " i'll pick up the kids later." " Fine." "And by the way, your "free mammograms" t-shirt is showing through your button-down." "You can read it, right?" "You and I are gonna have some sex tonight with women." "Hey, guys, please." " Not in front of..." " Melinda." "We're gonna go dance." "Man, this bar is totally different." "She asked me if I was wearing underwear." "All right, baby, let's see your moves here." "Got a smoking hot blonde 3 o'clock." "Hi." "How you doing?" " How are you?" " I'm good." "Where you from?" "A really small town called lone pine." "Lone pine?" "Are you kidding me?" "Me and my dad used to go there all the time and we would hike." "I'm a huge hiker." "My god, perfect day would be a long hike, a big Italian dinner, then settle in to a Scorse movie." "OK, before I ask you to marry me, which Scorse movie?" " Raging Bull." " Raging bull." "We can be in vegas in 4 hours, OK." " What the hell are you doing?" " What, we're just talking?" "OK, I need you to get like tyra banks' hairline, and back up." "Hey, guys, what's going on?" "I'm trying to get my boy here to learn how to have a one-night stand." "A one-night stand?" "Yeah, that's not gonna happen." "Excuse me, can I have another purple veiner, please?" "Hey, I can have a one-night stand." "No, you can't." "And I'll tell you why." "'cause you are a creature of habit." "Once sex is made available to you, you're like a rat hitting a feeder bar." "You'll just keep doing it over and over as long as she'll let you." "And then, god forbid, she throws in a comfortable couch, a full refrigerator, and a big-screen TV." "I mean, you know, you're not going anywhere till your heart explodes, you eat yourself to death, or she comes to her senses and divorces your ass." "You're wrong, OK." "I going to have sex with a woman tonight and I will be out of there by morning." "Listen to me, Gary." "If you have sex with a woman who is willing to feed you, they won't be able to blow you off her couch with dynamite." "Man, these purple veiners like really fill you up." "You can do this, man, OK." "You're my boy." "And I care about you more than anybody in the whole world." "What's good, baby?" "All right, one-night stand." "I'm in, I'm out." " Hello yourself." " My name's..." "Johnny." "Johnny Steed." "I'm Leah." "What do you do, Johnny?" "I'm a painter." "Fireman." "And I'm an inventor." "That is sexy." "I'm a nurse, so I'm comfortable with the human body." "Very." "Look, Leah, before we go any further, i'm just gonna tell you right out i'm not looking for anything long-term." " You want to go back to my place?" " Is my name Johnny Steed?" "That's the name I told you, right?" "This is really good." "Yeah, I'm really enjoying this." "You could turn it off if you want." "Why?" "Are you scared?" "Are you?" " That was amazing." " You're not kidding." "Hey, listen, I have to get." " You know, I got this thing." " It's fine." " You can just go." " Really?" "OK." "I just, as long you're sure." "I wanted to make sure you didn't think that I was in..." "What, a one-night stand?" "Isn't that what it was?" "I mean, come on, it's not like we were both at fish in a Barrel for the halibut sliders." "That's true." "So if it's OK with you, i'll see you later." "And, nice to know you." "Bye-bye." "Hey, are you hungry?" "Do you want something to eat before you go?" "What did you say?" "I don't know." "Are you hungry?" "You want a sandwich?" "Yes, I would like a sandwich." "But then I she probably leave this place immediately after the sandwich is done." "All right." "Want a beer with that?" "Yeah, that'd be what are you trying to do?" "Nothing." "I'm hungry." "I thought I'd make some food." "You know, watch Taxi Driver." "All right, food, beer, Scorse." "And you're gonna be doing all that on this ridiculously comfortable couch?" "That's the plan." "Well, then you watch out, 'cause papa bear's moving in." "So, ladies, I have had a lot of fun tonight." "But unfortunately staff sergeant Brooks is shipping out tomorrow." "And my turret only needs one gunner." "So, Melinda, what do you say we get out of here?" "I'm just gonna go to the little girls' room." "Now, I do share a bunk bed with my nephew." "So, we'll talk about that when you get back." "All my girlfriends hooked up." "Even the kind of homely one they invited to make the rest of us look good." "I'm sorry you had a tough night, al." "And you should see the guys that my friends picked." "They're these grown-up man-children who drink and play video games and are just looking to score." "I'm sorry they got all the good ones." "Maybe there aren't any good men left." "Kiddo, you're gonna find somebody." "All right?" "You're smart." "You're gorgeous." "You're sexy." "And anybody in the world would be lucky to have you." "That is like the sweetest thing I have ever heard." " There you go." " Thank you." "No." "Hey, wait." "Hold on a second." "Wait, wait." "Who was that?" "Just my last chance of getting laid before I go off to war." "Gosh." "Mitch, I'm, I'm sorry." "Is there anything I can do to fix it?" "Well, there is, but..." "I could never look Gary in the eye again." "Or could i?" "Candyman?" "Unbelievable." "Apocalypse Now and Platoon broken up by fast times." "I mean, there's no weak link." "So, should I get dinner started, or do you want to have sex again?" "Well, how about we do both?" "You know, if you keep feeding me, this robe's gonna turn into a bra." "My parents are coming over for dinner." "I hope you don't mind." "That's terrific." "That's great news." "Let me, let me go to the restroom then and freshen up." " Hello?" " Allison, it's me, Gary." "I don't know what to do." "Gary, what's the matter?" "Where are you?" "Well, I met that girl at the place we were at, that fish in a Barrel thing we came to her house and we did it and then everything was all right, but then I came back in for like a sandwich" "and that led to beer and movies and then more food, and now I think her parents are coming over for an early supper." "What?" "Gary, it's like 4:00 in the afternoon." "I know." "I'm so scared." "Listen to me." "All right, I know every fiber of your being is screaming you to stay on that coutch eat and have sex for the next 50 years or so..." "The voices are so loud." "Think, Gary." "Think." "Think." "What was the last one-night stand you had?" "Really think about that." "Oh, my god, it was you." "That's right." "Now fast-forward to the nagging and the criticizing and the, you know, withholding of sex." "My lawyer." "That son of a bitch robbed me." "Good, good, Gary." "Go with that." "I gotta get out of here." "Thank you, Allison." "It's Bagel?" "No, I can't." "OK." "No, I shouldn't." "Is that monterey Jack Cheese?" "I shouldn't." "I'll probably ruin my appetite." "Why do I keep reaching for these." "Sorry." " Knock-knock." " Hi, honey." "Mom, dad, this is Johnny." "He's a painter-fireman..." "Inventor." "Yeah." "Hello." "But I have to go." "Excuse me." " You're leaving?" " Yes, I have to go to work." "On a saturday?" "Yes, on a saturday I have to work." "I have to paint for a Jewish family who won't paint for themselves on Shabbat." "Hello, couch." "I love you." "I'll never leave you." "How'd it go, stud?" "Good." "I had a one-night stand." "I mean, well, I stayed at her house until 4:00 in the afternoon and I met her parents, but, you know, hey, technically, I..." "It was a one-night stand." "How about you?" "How'd it go?" "Well, things got interesting." "It didn't work out with Melinda, thanks to your ex-wife." "So I drank about 10 gallons of alcohol and took home the very last woman sitting at the bar." "I'm not even sure if she was a woman." "She might have been like a badger or a possum of some kind." "Tell you what, though, she was about the best damn lover I've ever had." "Couch." "Let's see, where did we leave off?" "What?" "You have a cheeto for me?" "I love you." "Louise forgot her dance bag again." "Yeah." "How'd it go with the girl?" "You getting married again?" "'cause, we could always grease you up and squeeze you into your old tux." "It went good." "I mean, I had a one-night stand, but" "I feel terrible." "I had to run out of there." "It made me feel like real creep." "I told you, you're not a one-night stand kind of guy." "And it's not just because you're a creature of habit." "It's also..." "All right, here I go." "Listen good 'cause I'm only gonna say this once." "You're a nice guy." "That really had to hurt." "It did, Gar." "Tom was 10 pounds, came out sideways, and that hurt a lot less." "Hey, you're back." " Johnny, I don't understand..." " No." "My name's not Johnny." "It's Gary." " Oh, good." " 'cause mine's Kristin." "I'm not looking for a relationship." " Neither am i." " That's great." "But you should know the only reason I stayed as long as I did is cause there a perfect combination of Scorsese, alcohol, and food where my butt will be on your couch for the next 50 years." " Yeah, I don't want that." " I don't want that, either." "So, let's just agree that we had a one-night stand?" " Sure." " Cool." " Great." " All right." "I got you some wine." "Just to say, you know, sorry for leaving so quickly." "This will go great with the Manicotti I just made." " You're blocking the door." " No, I'm not." " Yeah, you are." " Sorry." "Do..." "garlic bread?" " I'll see you in couple of months bro." " All right, man." "Be safe." "All right." "You take care of that nickname, you hear?" "Not a problem thanks to the kid who fell asleep on picnic table in the courtyard." "I don't know what he was dreaming about, but his new nickname is Sundial." "Nice." " Well, have fun storming the castle." " Thanks." "Hey, Gary, close your eyes." "Gary, you can open your eyes." "I just needed a prettier image in my head than the badger." "Adios, amigos." "God bless America." "So did you talk to that woman?" "Yeah." "You were right." "I'm more of a relationship guy." " One-night stands, that's Curtis thing." " I'm in love." " Charleen and I are moving in together." " What?" "What happened to tasting all the flavors?" "I guess I found my flavor." "Turns out it's mint chocolate chip." "She's black irish." "You guys get out of here." "Hey, do me a favor, send Mitch in." "I forgot something." "What's up, bro?" "Team Subs-Addicts""