"This is all Aunt Pat left you?" "A box of junk?" "This isn't junk." "These are things that belonged to your great-great-grandfather." "Looks like a box of old tools." "It's turn-of-the-century mining equipment." "Old, obsolete tools." "Just think, Lynn." "Someday all this will be yours." "Pass." "Come on." "This is part of our ancestral heritage." "You can't put a dollar value on something like that." "I can." "Two bucks." "My great-grandfather, Silas Tanner, was a pioneer, he was an adventurer." "The last four years of his life, he prospected for gold." "Doesn't look like he was very good at it." "You know, my great-uncle Louie Louie was a prospector." "He started the Great Foam Rush of aught eight." " Foam?" " Yeah." "Our whole monetary system was based on the foam standard." "Louie Louie became very stupid." "So it runs in the family." "Oh, ha, ha." "For your information, on Melmac "stupid" was slang for someone who was rich." "I guess we'll never know how "stupid" my great-grandfather was." "He died in 1897, and this is all I have left of his legacy." " Look what I found in the canteen." "WILLIE:" "What?" "Look." "It's a map." "There's an X on it." "[ALF GASPS]" "It's a treasure map." "Gadzooks!" "We're going to be stupid." "According to this old claim record, this must be a map of Waucoba Canyon that's in Death Valley." "Well, that must be where the treasure is." "What makes you so sure there's a treasure?" "The X on the map." "That always means treasure." "Don't you watch cartoons?" "Life doesn't imitate cartoons." "Well, other people's lives don't." "But Kate, Lynn, look at this." "Silas has pinpointed an exact location." "These are very detailed directions on how to get to a very specific spot." "Willie, I think you're making a little bit too much out of this map." "All right." "Count her out." "We'll divide the gold four ways." "Unless we can get rid of the kid." "You're not getting rid of any kid, and there is no gold." "I don't think we should rule that out entirely." "About the gold, I mean." "We gotta do this, Willie." "Now, I'll have to check my calendar, but I'm pretty sure I'm free next weekend." "Wait, wait, wait." "That's a three-day weekend." "We were supposed to go to San Diego." "Okay." "She's out too." "It's down to three." "Unless we can still get rid of the kid." "What do you say?" "The desert, it would be a refreshing change of pace." "We've been to San Diego Zoo." "We've been to SeaWorld." "Yeah." "We've seen the killer whales three times and they still haven't killed anyone." "What a gyp." "What do you think, Kate?" "Why would Silas go back to the desert year after year unless he had found something valuable out there?" "Well, if he did find something valuable, why was he buried in a piano crate?" "Maybe he was fat." "Did you ever think of that?" "I can't help it." "I just-- It's like I hear his spirit calling me:" ""Willie, go get it." "Gold." "Give my life some worth."" "Okay, Willie." "And with the money we'll buy a farm and we'll build a baseball diamond in our field of corn." " And maybe Shoeless Joe Jackson" " All right." "All right." "But, look, wouldn't it be educational for the kids?" "Wouldn't it be getting in touch with our ancestral roots?" "What about it, kids?" "I don't know, Dad." "I'd be more interested if we had ancestors in, oh, say, Aspen." "Look, if you and ALF really want to go, then go but I'm not gonna spend three days in the desert with a baby." "We could book a cabin in the mountains." "They're close by." "And here's the kicker, you could have a weekend without ALF." "Do they rent those cabins by the month?" "Was that a shot at me?" "I wasn't paying attention." "Okay." "All right." "It's a deal." "If you agree to spend the last day with me and the kids." "There's no need to waste the entire weekend." "Two days would be fine." "Great." "I'll order the dynamite." "ALF [SINGING]:" "Oh my darling, oh my darling" "Oh my darling, Clementine" "You are lost and gone forever" "Dreadful sorry, Clementine" "Willie, I don't feel right about leaving you at the end of this dead-end road in the middle of this godforsaken wilderness." "Don't ask me why." "We've got a tent, food, water." "We'll be fine." "You've also got an alien." "Trust me." "I'm really looking forward to this." "Imagine." "The area is virtually unchanged since Silas Tanner lived here over 90 years ago." "I love what he did with the place." "Isn't it exciting?" "Imagine, your great-grandfather might have sat right on that very rock." "Oh, you're gonna come back with stories." "Listen, you guys." "Your great-great-grandfather lived 2 miles 2 miles out there somewhere." "That's great, Dad." "Mom, does the hotel have a pool?" "You guys better get going before it gets any hotter." "It gets hotter?" " Bye." "Bye, ALF." " Hey." "Wait up." "Don't." "Are you sure this is the right place?" "According to the map, we went through Dead Man's Gorge we climbed up Dead Man's Bluff we turned left at Dead Man's Canyon so by process of elimination, this has got to be Dead Man's Rock." "What is it about this place that gives me the creeps?" "[PANTING]" "I'm exhausted." "ALF." "ALF, these canteens are empty." "What did you do with the water?" "I drank it." "All of it?" "What's the big deal?" "You've got a whole desert out here, for heaven's sake." "There's no water in the desert." "There's no water in the desert?" "What was I thinking?" "Ocean." "So you're saying this water thing might be a problem?" "Only if you consider dying a problem." "Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten us into." "[ALF SIGHS]" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Hey!" "Save some for me." "I can't believe it." "I can't believe you'd leave us stranded here in the desert without any water." "Oh, I thought we were past that." "I said I was sorry." "Would it help if I pounded my thumb with a sharp rock?" "Here you are." "Sorry." "The moment has passed." "Just read me the map." "What does it say to do next?" "All right." "It says to stand at the center of the rock base face north and go three paces then turn and go three paces east." "Come on." "Chop-chop." " Now what?" " Well, that's it." "Whatever old Silas buried is right there." "I'd be excited if I weren't so hot and queasy and dehydrated." "Don't let that spoil it for you." "Start digging." "I don't suppose you'd like to dig since I carried the backpacks and you're retaining most of the water." "Hey, hey, he was your great-grandfather." "You mean to say you don't plan on doing any work?" "All right, all right." "I'll tell you what." "I'll take every third shift." "Now just start digging." "[ALF HUMMING]" "[SPITS]" "You're not eating bugs, are you?" "That would be disgusting, Willie." "I'm merely sucking the moisture out of them." "You want one?" "No." "No." "You sure?" "They taste a lot better than Kate's meatloaf and you don't have to drown them in ketchup." "Are you sure this is the right spot?" "Because I'm hitting nothing but rocks here." "Of course I'm sure." "I'm more than sure." "Uh-oh." "I hope that was just a bug that went down the wrong way." "Tell me what "uh-oh"?" "All right, but first put down the shovel." "Tell me." "You know, one day you're gonna laugh about the time you dragged yourself across the desert and dug a hole in the wrong place." "Again, I must insist that you put down the shovel." "How could you make a mistake like that?" "Well, I had the map upside-down." "Should have gone three paces south." "You mean to say I've been digging for 45 minutes and it's the wrong spot?" "Look at the upside." "Now we have a latrine." "Or better yet, a small grave." "All right." "Relax." "Look, all you have to do is move two paces to the right." " Uh, left." " Give me that." "[ALF HUMMING "I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD"]" "All right." "That's quite enough." "Fine." "Music hater." "All right." "Your turn." "Well, hold it." "This is a new hole." "We start the rotation over again." "[WILLIE GROANS]" "No, we haven't been through rotation once yet." "I'm not digging anymore." "Willie, if Silas heard you now, he'd be spinning in his piano crate." "If he wasn't so fat." "Listen, ALF, if you want to dig, dig." "I'm through." "Oh, so that's your game, huh?" "Work me to death and keep the treasure to yourself." "You haven't done any work yet." "Well, I'm a drone alien, not a worker alien." "All right." "All right." "Just keep your hands off my bugs." "I know exactly how many there are." "I'll try to refrain." "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" " What now?" " I got a blister." "In five seconds?" "Hey, I worked through the pain as long as I could." "Oh, you haven't even tried." "[GROANS]" "Oh, I can't do it." "I can't." "I'm hot, I'm thirsty I'm a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll." "ALF, you're hot." "Well, my last album didn't go platinum, but Donny says not to worry." "No, I mean your temperature." "Of course, I should have realized your fur would retain all this heat." "Well, that's why you don't find a lot of us in Miami Beach." "Look." "It's over, pal." "Why don't you just go sit in the tent?" "Tomorrow evening we'll hike out of here." "Okay, but I need to use the small grave first." "Turn around and hum." "Hi, Mom." "Hi, Eric." "Hi, kids." "How was your day?" "It was fun." "I went horseback riding in the woods." "And I fed a chipmunk." "That's great." "Pack your bags." "We're getting out of here." "Mom, they're gonna be okay." "Dad knows how to take care of himself." "No." "I haven't felt good about this ever since we dropped them off." "Something is wrong, I just know it." "He's got ALF." "Pack later." "Get in the car." " Way to go, Brian." " What'd I say?" "Mom, it's what he wanted to do." "They're having fun." "They're on one of those male-bonding things that guys think are really cool." "We don't know where they are, you can't take Eric into the desert and there's a frat party in Cabin 12." "And besides, maybe they'll find gold." "Well, all right." "I'll be happy if they find their way back to the road." "I'm sure they will." "If you need me, I'll be in Cabin 12." "Me too." "A June bug for your thoughts." "Oh." "I was just marveling at your ability to start a four-alarm fire in the desert." "Desert." "I was just trying to summon help." "I saw a plane, so I built a signal fire." "By the way, thanks for putting me out." "You saw a vulture, not an airplane." "That vulture could be bringing us help as we speak." "Yeah." "More vultures." "I think one of us has an attitude problem." "Okay, so we don't have any food, water or shelter." "But we still have air." "And each other." "Well, we have air." "Your point?" "My point is I'm sorry and I'd like to make it up to you." "I'll cook dinner." "What dinner?" "The food went up with the tent!" "While you were sulking, I gathered some miniature desert lobsters." "[CHUCKLES]" "Feast your eyes." "[CHUCKLES AND GASPS]" "They're scorpions." "They were all born in the same month?" "What are the odds?" "I should have walked to town while I still had the strength." "No." "We can't give up now." "We're too close to finding the foam." "What are you talking about?" "Oh, were you planning on leaving me stranded out here to die?" "Oh, ALF, I think the heat's gotten to you." "You're starting to babble." "Au contraire." "Hey, could you go ask the lifeguard if it's safe to move closer to the water?" "ALF." "And I think that couple from Ohio stole our cooler." "Brian, don't go out so far without a life preserver." "Listen, ALF." "Tomorrow I'm gonna build a shelter of what's left of our blankets and sleeping bags and you'll have some shade." "And then, uh, I'll walk the 20 or so miles to town to get some help." "Okay?" "I knew it." "You're gonna let me stay out here and die." "No." "No." "You'll be all right." "I promise you I'll come back for you and we'll come back here another weekend." "Now I think we should" "I think we should try to get some rest." "Okay, but ring the front desk and leave a 6:00 wake-up call." "[WOLF HOWLS]" "Give up." "Ha." "He must be mad." "Mad, I tell me, mad." "No one's gonna cheat me out of my right to someone else's legacy." "Hey, what's this?" "Wooden planks!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "I found the treasure!" "I'm" " I'm going to be stupid!" "[LAUGHS]" "[SCREAMS]" "[SPLASH]" "ALF." "ALF, where are you?" "ALF:" "Down here." "What happened?" "ALF:" "I was looking for gold, but all I found was this ice-cold Jacuzzi instead." "I'm drowning." "Get me out of here." "I'll go tear one of the sleeping bags into a rope." "I'll be right back." "Don't go away." "ALF:" "I'll try not to wander off." "Just my luck." "I fall down a well there's no townspeople around to fight over the movie rights." "I was worried about you." "I'm glad you're okay." "Couldn't be better." "I have just one question." "Your grandfather buried water." "Your question?" "Well, he was an idiot, right?" "Well, no." "He probably buried it to prevent anybody else from finding and using it." "Oh, I'm sorry." "He was a selfish idiot." "Well, lucky for us, because now we got drinking water." "Uh-oh." "Not again." "Afraid so." "I was down there a long time, Willie." "You couldn't have drunk all that water." "No." "But I did drink a lot of water." "A lot of water." "You didn't." "I wasn't known on Melmac as the "whiz kid" because of my scholastic ability." "Luckily, once the coyotes got one look at ALF, they marked him and ran away." "Hey, I got them back, didn't I?" "Well, I'm just glad I followed my instincts and came to get you early." " Ooh." " Oh, honey." "So, Dad, are you sorry Great-great-grandpa turned out to be such a loser?" "He wasn't a loser." "He covered up a well to protect a piece of property that served no useful purpose whatsoever and he felt it was important to leave us that as his legacy." " But he wasn't a loser, right?" " No, he wasn't." "He was a proud, yet needlessly eccentric man." "I say let's just leave this nightmare behind us." "Kate, why don't you--?" "Why don't you take the kids and go on that nature hike?" " Well, are you sure, honey?" " We could stay, Dad." "No, I'll be fine." "Just leave me the ointment." "Hey, don't worry about Willie." "I'll take care of him." "Maybe a long hike's just what I need." " Aren't you in a lot of pain?" " I am." "Let's go." "Well, I have nothing to do." "Guess I'll build a fire." "[ENGLISH" " US" " SDH]"