"NARRATOR:" "Previously on Two and a Half Men:" "Billy called." "Billy Stanhope?" "Yeah, he said he has a business proposition for you." "How about that?" "Billy Stanhope." "Ha, ha." "[WALDEN SCREAMS]" "[YELLS]" "What went down between you?" "We built a software company in Bridget's garage, and sold it for a couple billion." "That son of a bitch." "He didn't wanna sell." "We can build the electric suitcase?" "Yes." "We have the technology now." "I just need you to help me write the code." "Hey, you know, while we're on the subject" "What, peeing?" "No, sex." "There's something you should know." "About your ex-wife." "What, Bridget?" "Yeah." "I'm kind of sleeping with her." "What?" "Mom, this is Alan." "Alan, this is my mom, Jean." "Hi, nice to meet you." "I'll tell you what." "I will call my mom and set up a dinner." "Evelyn says there's a place where they have music and dancing." "Why don't you fuddy-duddies run along and let Jean and I have some fun?" "You think we'll find some cute fellas to dance with?" "Oh, Jean, Jean, Jean." "We're not going to dance." "I adore your mother." "That's only because you just met her." "I don't know." "I think I got to know her pretty well." "Good morning, darling." "Hi, peaches." "Great." "I'll pick you up at the airport." "I can't wait." "I love you too." "Tell Zoey I said hi." "Oh, Alan says hi." "Yes, he's still here." "Uh-huh." "I know, you're right." "She says "hi" back." "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow." "Here you go." "Oh, thank you." "You gotta be excited about having your girlfriend back." "What's it been, a month?" "Three weeks." "Still, that's like a decade in penis years." "Yeah, to tell you the truth, I'm a little bit worried." "About your relationship?" "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." "At least for guys like you." "For guys like me, absence is more often enforced by the state of California." "Zoey doesn't know that I started a new software company with my old partner." "With Billy." "What's the big deal?" "Well, there's a third partner that Zoey is not gonna like." "Walden." "You made me a partner?" "All I did was bring you two guys together." "The third partner is Bridget." "Your ex-wife?" "Come on, I brought you two guys together." "She helped me design the code for the software." "I had to bring her in." "Oh, right, right." "Well, I guess that would make a very awkward conversation with Zoey." "Yeah." "I think I'm just gonna try to slip it in without her noticing." "Hmm." "Story of my life." "Listen, just remember that love will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no love." "That's good advice." "Thank you." "And, uh, just to be clear, I have zero stake in this potential billion-dollar business?" "Actually, I was gonna give you a hundred shares of founder's stock." "Wow." "lf this works, it could be worth millions." "Thank you." "Heh, heh." "I still gotta figure out how to explain this to Zoey." "Dump the bitch." "Don't let her screw this up for us." "Once again, thank you for the advice." "If it makes you feel better I've got my own little relationship problem brewing." "Yeah, that doesn't make me feel better." "My girlfriend's mom and my mom have become lovers." "Okay, that does make me feel better." "[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN" THEME]" "Can I ask you a question?" "What?" "If we'd just had sex in England, would I be on the other side of the bed?" "[LAUGHS]" "Oh, God, I've missed you." "I missed you too." "And you can call me Walden." "[LAUGHS]" "[BOTH SIGH]" "So, what have you been up to?" "Actually, I've been, like, very, very busy." "With what?" "I started a new software company with my old partner Billy Stanhope." "Oh, Walden." "That's terrific." "Yeah." "It's amazing and we built this amazing product." "It's called the electric suitcase." "It's gonna completely revolutionize the global energy market." "Oh." "Sounds big." "No, it's bigger than big." "The three of us could end up splitting billions of dollars." "The three of you?" "What?" "You just said "the three of you."" "Yeah." "Yes, there are, in fact, three of us." "Who's the third?" "Oh, not Alan?" "Oh, not Alan." "God, no." "God, no." "So who is it?" "It's Bridget." "Your ex-wife?" "Nothing I could do." "She helped write the original code for the software, so she owns a third." "You've gone into business with the woman who drove her car into your living room because you chose me?" "Crazy world, huh?" "But on the plus side, she's sleeping with my ex-partner, so...." "Why is that a plus side?" "Well, because she's with him, so you don't have to worry about me and her." "I wasn't worried about you and her." "Good." "Until just now." "Why didn't you tell me about this before we had sex?" "Do you wanna have sex now?" "No." "That's why." "Oh, I'm going home." "Oh, come on." "Zoey, don't make a big deal out of this." "If I was going into business with my ex-husband..." "...would you consider it a big deal?" "Not at all." "You're a liar." "Ugh." "Life would be so much easier if I dated dumb chicks." "ZOEY:" "I heard that." "It was a compliment." "Here you go." "Thank you." "Given any thought to what we're gonna do about our little mother situation?" "Golden Girls Gone Wild?" "What?" "They're grown women." "They've made a lifestyle choice." "I have no problem with the lifestyle." "I've tried the lifestyle." "Really?" "When?" "Who?" "College?" "Camp?" "Shut up, Alan." "Sorry." "Go ahead." "How am I supposed to have a relationship with you when your mother is taking sexual advantage of mine?" "Hang on a second." "I don't think anyone is taking advantage of anyone." "You don't?" "A week ago, my mother was living in a retirement community playing golf, and watching Cagney  Lacey." "Well, I don't know." "Golf, Cagney  Lacey sounds like she was already halfway there." "Shut up, Alan." "[EVELYN  JEAN GIGGLING]" "Oh, good, you're here." "Mom, what have you done to yourself?" "Evelyn took me shopping." "Do you like my new look?" "Isn't she gorgeous?" "Yeah, I guess." "We also got matching tattoos." "Oh, Mom, no." "See?" "It's a little heart." "Ugh." "With an "E plus J" in it." "I don't see one on your ankle, Mom." "It's not on my ankle." "Oh, glory-oski." "Mom, I thought you and I were gonna spend some time together..." "...before you went back to Sunset Village." "I know, I'm sorry, sweetheart." "We've been so busy." "But don't worry, you're gonna be seeing a lot more of me after I move in with Evy." "[CHOKES]" "What?" "I've got this huge place." "Why shouldn't she enjoy it?" "You're talking about your huge house, right?" "We're just gonna pick up some things here and then go close up Jean's condo." "And then we'll start our new life." "Right, peaches?" "That's right, pumpkin." "Come on." "This sort of makes you brother and sister, doesn't it?" "Is it just me, or is that idea kind of a turn-on?" "Heh." "It's just me." "Come on." "It's not that weird." "You see your ex-husband all the time." "Yeah, because we have a child together." "Bridget and I have a business together." "It's basically the same thing." "Have you been sniffing glue?" "No." "I" " They both require nurturing and attention." "Difference is your kid's gonna cost a fortune and mine, make a fortune." "Goodbye." "Okay." "Wait, wait, wait." "Just do one thing for me?" "What?" "Let's the three of us have dinner together." "You want me to have dinner with you and your ex-wife." "Yes." "That way, you can see that everything is cool between us." "Come on, Zoey, this is really important to me." "God, I'm gonna regret this." "One dinner." "Thank you." "I will see you tomorrow." "Bye." "Oh, well, done, old boy, you dodged the crazy girlfriend bullet." "ZOEY:" "Walden, I'm still outside the door." "You didn't let me finish." "All right, finish." "I love you so much." "Here you go." "Thank you." "So did you tell Zoey about working with Bridget?" "Uh, yeah." "How did it go?" "Not good." "But she did agree to have dinner with us." "You're having dinner with your girlfriend and your ex-wife?" "Bad idea?" "Well, not as bad as me trying to turn my girlfriend on with incest fantasy, but it's up there." "What else was I gonna do?" "I believ" "I'm not gonna dump the bitch." "Okay." "Fine, fine." "We'll just, uh, keep our eyes on the prize here." "Your hundred shares in the company?" "I was more thinking about your happiness, but, sure, there's that." "Hey, uh, this might make you feel better." "Uh, I'm having my own bad idea dinner." "What's that?" "Lyndsey, her son, my son, and the two gay grandmas." "Once again, that does make me feel better." "Hey, hey." "How about this?" "Why don't we meet back here after our dinners and compare notes?" "Like a recap at the end of a reality show." "Yeah." "Yeah, we could, uh, have a little contest, see whose dinner was worse." "Ha, ha." "Shame we can't let America vote on it." "[LAUGHS]" "Yeah." "Heh, heh." "Or can we?" "Hey, this is really nice, huh?" "Zoey, uh, ahem, Bridget and I were talking about your" "Your concerns, and Bridget was very eager to assuage them." "Right, Bridge?" "Absolutely." "Okay." "Let the assuaging begin." "Anybody?" "I'll take a crack at it." "No, thank you, Berta." "All right, obviously, this is an awkward situation." "Walden and I were together for many years." "And you and he have been dating a few months so clearly you're insecure about us working together." "I am not insecure." "Right." "There's no reason you should be." "Yes, I've known this guy since high school and, yes, we fell in love and, yes, we spent many happy years together." "But the reality now is we're simply business partners." "Right." "And not all those years were happy." "Okay, sure, there were some great times." "But there were also some bad times." "I mean, the point is, is that our relationship now is just strictly business." "Oh." "Speaking of which, we need to upgrade the ventilation for the server farm." "Oh, that's a good idea." "Also, I wanna build triple redundancy." "Of course, but we shouldn't be talking shop and leaving poor Zoey out of the conversation." "I love to hear about Walden's work." "Oh, that's so sweet." "So glad he found someone like you." "Thank you." "After I threw him out, I wondered how he'd survive." "He's so needy." "I'm not needy." "[IN UNISON] Yes, you are." "So, what's the deal?" "Are you guys in it for the long haul or just date and see what happens?" "Well, we're just finding our way for the moment." "Oh, good, good." "Keep it casual." "Yeah." "That way no one can accuse you of going after his money." "Excuse me?" "I'm not "after his money."" "Oh, no, you misunderstand." "I" " I'm sure you're not." "But unfortunately, there's no way to prove it." "Luckily, I met him when he had nothing, so no question about my intentions." "Are you questioning my intentions?" "No, she's not." "She's not." "No, you're not." "You're not, are you?" "Of course not." "Are you questioning my intentions?" "Me?" "No." "Berta, how is the pot roast coming?" "Got another 30 minutes." "You guys keep chatting." "I don't understand." "Why is my grandmother living with his grandmother?" "Yeah, I was kind of wondering that myself but I didn't wanna look stupid." "Too late, dude." "You wanna handle this, Alan?" "Not really." "I wasn't asking." "All right, um...." "Well, fellas, um your two grandmas are, uh, both very lonely and so they, uh, decided to become  uh, roommates, uh, and keep each other company." "Makes sense." "Plus, if one falls down, the other can call the ambulance." "What if they both fall down at the same time?" "Then I guess they starve to death and die." "Unless they go cannibal and eat each other." "If that happens, I'm betting on my grandma eating your grandma." "Dude, there is no way in the world that your grandma eats my grandma." "My grandma totally eats your grandma." "No." "If any grandma's doing any eating, it's my grandma." "No way." "Come on, my grandma has real teeth." "You happy?" "That was great." "I'm really glad we got to spend some time together." "Yeah, it was lovely." "Yeah." "Don't forget we have that meeting with the venture fund tomorrow." "Oh, yeah, right." "Bye." "Oh, bye." "Oh, do me a favor, Zoey, don't let him wear sandals to the meeting." "I really don't tell him what to wear." "That's okay, you'll learn." "Don't wear sandals to the meeting." "Good night." "Good night." "Bye." "Drive safe." "Night, night." "I think that went great." "Do you?" "You don't?" "I don't." "I don't, either." "Did I miss something?" "Obviously, you missed everything." "That horrible woman won't be happy till she's destroyed our relationship, has you back." "What?" "No." "She has a boyfriend." "She's happy." "Oh, how can you be so smart about some things and so stupid about others?" "Okay, wait, just to be clear." "What am I smart about and what am I stupid about?" "Oh, what?" "Now you can't hear me?" "Anybody want more mashed potatoes?" "Oh, gosh, I'm full, Jean." "But everything's so delicious." "Thank you." "How lucky were you to grow up with Mom's home cooking?" "Excuse me, you grew up with home cooking too." "Yes, but the maid did the cooking." "It was still at home." "Make sure you leave room for dessert." "I made pie." "Oh, I love Grandma's pie." "Yeah, yeah, I heard it too." "[GLASSES CLINKING]" "There's something I'd like to say." "Oh, dear God, here it comes." "It gives me such pleasure to welcome Jean into my home and to share our new friendship with our two families." "Here, here." "Here, here." "And I'd just like to thank Evy for showing me that it's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks." "Certainly didn't teach her to fetch a bone." "I have a question." "Oh, God, here it comes." "If you and her were cannibals, which do you think would eat the other?" "There you have it." "The upside of stupid." "ZOEY [OVER COMPUTER]:" "I'm sorry, but Bridget's right." "You have history with her, you have none with me." "You can't even be sure I love you for yourself." "What are you saying?" "I'm saying it might be better for both of us if we went our separate ways." "Okay, that's one approach, which stinks." "So let me make a counterproposal." "Why don't you move in with me?" "What?" "Yeah, you and Ava move in with me." "I love you and I want you in my life and I wanna have a future with you." "Really?" "Really." "AVA [OVER COMPUTER]:" "Mummy, Mummy, please say "yes. "" "What are you doing out of bed?" "I love you, Walden." "I love you, Ava." "Get back into bed." "Hmm, let's see." "So that's one vote for "yes" and I vote "yes."" "So the motion is passed." "There is one teeny little problem." "What's that?" "If Ava and I move in isn't somebody going to have to move out?" "[ALAN SHIVERS]" "What's the matter?" "I don't know." "I just felt a little shiver go down my spine." "[SHIVERS]" "Here you go." "All right, I gotta ask." "What's with the tea?" "You make it for me, for Lyndsey." "Well, I've got a little philosophy." "When someone's nice enough to let me into their home..." "..." "I like to show my appreciation." "Without spending money." "You know me so well." "So recap." "How did your dinner go?" "Oh, pretty well, actually." "Uh, the grandmas were on their best behavior, and the two boys" "Well, let's just say, they're gonna be living with us for a long, long time." "And you?" "Oh, good, good." "It went really good." "So everything's okay with Zoey?" "Yeah, it's fantastic." "Everything's great with you and Lyndsey, huh?" "Oh, yeah, more than good." "Oh, forgot the honey." "She owns her own home, right?" "Yeah." "[SHIVERS]" "I think I may be coming down with something." "[English" " US" " SDH]"