""One day the sun cast onto the world to show its image in different light." "All the lines were in place but in between no shape or shades, just shadows of the past cast against an aging brain, fading with the sunset's dying rays, wiping away all trace of yesterday." "Does anyone have any questions for the author?" "Hey, Dad." "Oh, hey." "Can you turn down the music?" "What?" "The music, can you turn it down?" "Oh, yeah." "Sorry." "So, your super told me that they shut your power off." "Yeah." "Why didn't you pay the bill?" "Oh, because I'm through with that." "I don't need to do that anymore." "I'm going off the map." "What does that mean?" "It means that I am through with the whole system." "What whole system?" "The whole manmade system." "I quit my job." "I'm not paying bills." "You quit your job?" "Yeah." "Yeah, I escaped it." "How are you gonna eat?" "No, I don't need to pay for food anymore." "I realized that." "I can get free milk at Starbucks." " I can get free ketchup at McDonald's." " Ketchup?" "Yeah, the body can survive on ketchup alone just for a long time." "At least until the apocalypse." "Hey Marco, I'm going to stop by tomorrow, and I'm gonna bring you some food." "No, I don't need food." "I'm fine with ketchup." " Just be at your apartment..." " Don't do that." "Listen to me!" " Be at your apartment at 6:00." " I won't be there." "I'll be there." "I'll see you then." "Bye." " They call me Luna." " Luna!" "Because my mind moves in tune with the lunar shifts." "They call me a lunatic... because my biological clock's a time bomb that ticks down to the minute the full moon's lit." "And I just got out of the loony bin, and I haven't been taking my medication, so I'm about as unstable as if nitro raped glycerin." "More insane than Batman's Riddler if Jim Carrey had played him without taking his Ritalin." "I'll leave you riddles sicker than a crossword puzzle written by Jack The Ripper." "Full of clues as to how I'm gonna kill you which I will do right before you figure it out so I can stick it on the ground next to your dead body and let the detectives finish filling it out!" ""The fire went out... black, not even the smoke to sniff up the memory of last night's wild sight and resurrect its magic back, sun-burnt on the tip of a matchstick with one flick of God's finger," "as all eternal blows out..." "Lost in shadows..." "Surround my lips like vicious flint with thrilled flicks licked with silk..." "It's going up in flames..." "As my spirit spreads!" "Get away my brains like stretching..." "Chain..." "Can't have wings..." "Wildfires rising high in my eyes..." "So wild..." "Fire irises." "I'm a flame." "I'm a flame!" " Hey." " Hi." " You okay?" " Yeah." " Can I come in?" " Yeah." "Yeah, come in." "You know it's almost 1:00 in the morning?" "Shouldn't you be sleeping?" " I'm sorry." " That's okay." "What's wrong?" "I just wanted to talk." "Oh." "Well, sure." "Can we look at some photo albums?" "Now?" "Why do you want to do that?" "Just to talk about the past." "I just don't know where they are, honey." " They're lost in a huge pile..." " I know where they are." " I don't think..." " I'll find them." "Remember that?" "That was right before I got sick." "Remember?" "What was I like?" "Baby, you don't remember?" "No." "You were the same." "Mom, I need you to be honest with me." "You're the only one who knew me back then," " and I need you..." " No." "That's not true." "There's a lot of people in your life who knew you then." "What was I doing... when it happened?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, the doctors said that something has to trigger it." " So, what was I doing?" " No, no." "There was nothing that we could've done." " It was gonna happen no matter what." " No, no." "No." "I must've done something to trigger it" " because I am not the same person, Mom." " No, you didn't." " I am not the same." " You are the same." "Would you just please, just stop lying to me!" "Okay, Carla, you are acting really hyper right now, and I..." "Are you sleeping okay?" "What's going on?" "I'm just trying to figure out who I am, you know, because I don't feel like myself anymore." "Even when I go off the medication, I don't feel like myself." "Okay, you know what, honey?" "I think we need to get Dad because he can really help." " No!" " No, we should." "No, Mom, I'm sorry." "I shouldn't have yelled." "I won't yell again." " Please don't get Dad." " Okay, you're right." "Sit down." "And I have a really good plan." "Okay, this is my plan." "You're gonna spend the night tonight, and then tomorrow morning, first thing, we'll go to the hospital and get your file." "See, they have a file of everything about your illness." "And then you can learn anything you want." "You can ask anything." "Okay?" "We'll figure all this out." "Okay?" "I hate it when you look at me like that." "Like what?" "How am I looking at you?" "Like I'm crazy." "I'm not looking at you like you're crazy, honey." "No, you're looking at me like you don't even recognize me." " No." "Honey, I love you." " No." " You miss that person that I used to be." " No, please don't leave." "Donald!" "Hey, what happened to your apartment?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, your books are all over the floor." "Yeah, I decided that I liked it better this way." "You know, you can see all the titles way more easily." "You know, and they're all placed in different, specific locations." "It actually works out really great because you can just walk up to any one of them, you know?" "You can walk up to any book you want at any time, just sit down." "And there's a good variety of reading environments." "I don't know." "It just seems stupid, somehow, to just want to put a bunch of books together in one place." "That just seems like in-the-box thinking to me." "Do you know what I mean?" " How you sleeping?" " Good." "I just lie down and sleep." "It's good." "That all works out." "Been taking your medication?" "I found that they really weren't working for me, you know, kind of constricted my emotions, you know, like a dried-up ocean." "That wasn't the potion." "Don't give me the lotion." "I just, yeah, it just didn't work, so I stopped." "I stopped." "You know what I found works, though?" " What's that?" " Marijuana, Mama." " You're smoking marijuana?" " Yeah, it actually really helps." "You know, it works way better than the medication." "Isn't that interesting?" "I mean, I guess it has something to do with my particular brain chemistry, something about that works." "Do you smoke a lot of marijuana?" "Depends on how long I'm awake for." "You know?" "Lately I haven't needed as much sleep, so..." "I guess I have to up my dosage." "Tomorrow morning, let's go to Dr. Lyons, and we'll ask him and just hear what he thinks about that." " Who cares what he thinks?" " He's an expert on your illness." " He'll know..." " I don't have an illness." " Come on..." " Why are you bringing Dr. Lyons into this?" " There's nothing wrong with..." " Let's just..." "Wait!" "That... what is..." " He's an expert on your medication." " No, he's not a fucking expert!" "He's a goddamned Nazi!" "He doesn't fucking know" " what he's talking about, okay?" " Okay." "Listen." "I don't have an illness." "Why don't you just, please, come home with me tonight." "Come home?" " Home?" " Home." "Yeah." "Right?" "Is she there?" " Where is she?" " Who?" "Mom?" "She left because she's ill." "She's ill." "She..." "Why do you keep saying that?" "She couldn't stand that!" "And you know what happened?" " She fucking got away." " Okay." "You know why?" "Because she's a genius." "She's a fucking genius." "Why couldn't you see that?" "Okay." "Count to ten." "Remember how she used to do that?" "Remember?" "Do you remember this?" " Okay, count to ten." " Oh, come on." " Just count to ten." "Ready?" " Yeah." "Okay." " One." " One." " Two." " Nine." " Three." " Eight." " Four." " Seven." "Five." "Six." "Seven." "Eight." "Nine." "You're it!" "Oh, Marco, no!" "Fuck!" "Hi." "I was a patient here, and I need a copy of my file." "I know you're obligated to give it to me." " Yes." "What's your name?" " Carla." "Lucia." "L-U-C-I-A." "It's right there." "That one." "Can you wait just one moment?" "Hi." "I'm Dr. Strinsky." " Hi." " Hi." "I wonder if I could ask what you want your records for?" "I don't have to tell you." "I know my rights." "Oh, you're right." "You don't have to tell me." "It's just that I... it seems like you're upset about something," " and I just want to make sure that..." " No, I just want a copy of my file." "Sure." "You can come in my office, and I'll sit and if you have any questions and I can clarify anything," "I'll answer your questions." "It seems it began in college." "No." "I was great in college." "I did my best writing in college." "I could write all night and then go party with my friends." "I mean, I had tons of friends." "I mean, I had these incredibly deep relationships with people." "That was probably your illness surfacing." "What?" "Sleeping less, being more personable, more creative, wild." "Those are the beginnings of the illness." "You were just walking up to the edge." "Do you recognize this?" "It's a poem you wrote." ""Please, God, let me feel what you feel." "I will stare up into the sky with wide open eyes until you burn through my irises and touch my mind with your fire." " I went to the desert." " Yeah." "And you left this on your desk before you went." "And then you forced your eyes open and stared into the sun." "Is that what triggered it?" "Hello, 911?" "I'm being held here unlawfully at a police station..." "That was your one call." "But I didn't call outside the station, so it doesn't count." "I don't belong here." "This is a hospital for sick people." "I'm not sick." "I can understand why you'd be here." "You look very sick to me." "There's no life in your face." "You look like you're about to tip over." "And if you ask me, you know, you don't need electroshock therapy." "You need some jumper cables attached to a Mack truck to latch to your face to light up those dull eyes of yours." "Do you think your mind is sane right now?" "More than yours." "Spreading messages in graffiti about the end of the human race... that doesn't seem sane to me." "Well, you're human, so you're biased." "Do a lot of people read these messages?" "Everyone." "Well, how do you know?" "Because of my online fan base." "Would you mind showing that to me?" "Here." "There." "You see that?" "106 million people." "No, see, that number is the number of people in the entire network." "Actually, only 119 people have seen your page." " What?" " See?" "Marco, there's a lot of things to figure out." "Why don't you let me help you?" "Carla Lucia to check out." "I'm sorry." "You can't be released until the doctors think you're okay." " What?" " You can have..." "No." "I signed myself in voluntarily last night." " Yes, I know, but..." " You can't keep me here." " ...you're still not allowed to be released..." " No, you can't keep..." " Call my mom." "Call her." " She's on her way." "Listen." "She's on her way with your clothes." " Good morning, Paul." " It is a good morning." "You know what would make a really good morning, though?" "What?" "You slip some Adderall into my cup instead of Seroquel, which is understandable because it is kind of the same color." "You know, especially with pre-coffee eyesight?" "None of those cameras are gonna see anything." "And you don't have manic eyes, know what I mean?" "Oh, yeah." "I think the last thing you need is Adderall." " Okay." "Think about it." " And, down." " Think about it for lunchtime." " No." "Let me see." "Let's see." "Thank you." "This is the idea of the apocalypse, is a new beginning." " Gary." " Yes, but you don't understand..." " What?" " I'm graduating you." "What?" "That's great." "How did..." " That's..." "Hey, thanks, man." " Hey." "I'm just trying to tell you what I see in the cards." "Are we the first people to tell you that you're gonna die?" " No, but the fact that..." " I'm really sorry to be" " the bearer of bad news." " You're scaring him." "Please stop." "You don't have to shoot the messenger here." "Let's play some strip poker!" "All right, guys." "We have two new people joining us today, Emily and Marco." "I go by Luna." "Okay." "This your nickname?" "It's my poet's name." "Okay." "Great." "So, how's everyone feeling?" "All right, Gary, why don't we start with you." "What's on your mind this morning?" "The apocalypse." "Okay." "Do those sound like rational or irrational fears?" "Anyone?" "Irrational." "All right, Luna, tell Gary why his fears are irrational." "Gary... you don't need to be afraid of the apocalypse because... it's gonna happen, no matter what." "In fact, it's already happening." " Luna." " What?" "The world's not going to end." "Maybe not the world, but the human race is." "Gary, don't worry." "The human race isn't going to end." "Of course it is." "What, you think it's a coincidence that Nostradamus and the Mayans both predicted that?" "No." "They saw where the planet was going." "They saw everyone around them cutting down more and more trees." "They saw humanity becoming a disease." "Do you know what the definition of a disease is?" "It's when a single organism becomes so overgrown that it's a menace to the whole." "And do you know what happens when a disease threatens the overall holistic balance in Nature?" "It develops antibodies." "Okay, we're descending into some place that we don't really need to go right now." "I didn't mean anything by it." "Well, you're upsetting Gary." "Well, maybe now, but don't you think that it's better in the long run for him to know the truth?" "It's not the truth." "Why don't you just apologize to Gary for upsetting him?" "Gary, I'm sorry that I upset you." "I didn't mean to scare you." "There's nothing to be upset about because just think of it like ridding the earth of a disease." "Don't you want that?" "Don't you think that's a little selfish?" " Luna." " What?" "You were doing great." "You were doing great." "Maybe you went a little far." "How did I go..." "That's why I'm apologizing." "Okay, we're just trying to keep it simple." " That's why I'm apologizing." " Yeah, just a simple apology." " You'll never graduate this way, Luna." " What are you talking about?" "Yeah." " What is that?" " Those are the marks." "There's still some more to learn, I guess, isn't there?" "His thoughts are fine." "Let's just imagine ourselves, for a minute..." "I think it's okay to..." " Everybody here knows how to share." " Could you please just stop?" "You have an opinion on what's being said here?" "It's your first day here and you're alienating yourself from the entire group." "Are you saying that I should hide what I think in order to become part of a group?" "No." "Why are you looking at the group?" " I'm not!" " Yeah, you are." "Why are you lying?" " I'm not lying." " Why are you lying?" "And it seems we've reached an impasse." "And we'll just take a couple of minutes to cool down, three minutes, and we'll come back to the circle." "Okay?" "It's all right." "No touching, please." "Luna, why don't you color?" "Because I'm uninspired." "Okay, why don't you take a look at the books on the shelf." "Maybe they'll give you some inspiration." "Here we go." "Van Gogh." "Top member of the Bipolar Club." "You see this?" " Yes, it's beautiful." " Yeah, that's right." " You know why?" " Why?" "Because it's the painting of the sky he saw from his sanitarium window while he was manic." " Really?" " Yeah." "You don't believe me?" "Go look it up." "I believe you." "Well, when you go out tonight, and you look at the sky and you see how dull it is, think about if you would've medicated Van Gogh." "Luna." "What kind of poetry do you do?" "Rap." " You rap?" " Yeah." "When I first went manic, I just started rhyming compulsively, but, you know, that's a textbook manic symptom." " Really?" " Yeah." "You don't believe me?" "Go look it up." "Can you show us some?" "Give me a word." "Anti-Christ." "I fancy the delight... of what it might be like to be thought of as the Anti-Christ." "Anti-body to humanity." "Because, God damn it, if you handed me the planet," "I'd give it such an apocalyptic rinse" " that would rid it of these lice." " How about shameless?" "I'm so shameless," "I have no chains of shame to restrain what I do or say or think afraid that people might be ashamed of it." "Alone." "I may be alone, but at least I don't feel alone with the closest people I know because I changed myself into something fake to gain the group's praise till I don't even know my own soul," "which, if you ask me, is the loneliest state of being alone." "Is that it?" "No more words?" "I see, you'd rather read that?" "What is that, real poetry?" " Let's see." " Hey." "Hey." "Luna." ""The sun shined as bright as its flame could blaze..."" " I'm getting the doctor!" " Okay!" " "Trying so hard each day to reach down..."" " Would you stop it!" " "and touch each face."" " Stop it!" ""But they all turned away, bitterly squinting, wincing,"" "so no matter how much it reached out to the human race, it knew it would always be estranged."" "We are all bipolar." "Sometimes it's like a molar." "You wanna take it out, you want to be better." "So, don't sweat the weather." "Check out the solar power." "It's the rhyming hour." "The first card is the symbol cradle." "Don't worry, it's the symbol of life, nothing fatal." "I'm gonna strap you down and stick one of these nurses' syringes into you." "That doesn't rhyme." "Don't even stop to think about it." "Just let it all go." "You be the vessel." "Okay, that's where the best stuff just happens." "Just let it in and spit it out." "But good, though." " You graduated, Luna." " What?" "You're one level higher." "Yeah." " Couldn't sleep?" " No." " Want something to help?" " No, I'm just gonna go to the art room." "Can't sleep?" "No." "So Emily, can I ask you what your full fake name is?" "Emily Lowell." "Is that Emily Dickinson and Robert Lowell?" "Those are good poets." "Do you know they were both bipolar?" "You think every great artist was bipolar." "It's fine if it helps you." ""We of the craft are all crazy."" ""Some are affected by gaiety, others with melancholy."" ""But all are more or less touched."" "You know who said that?" "Lord Byron." "One of the greatest manic-depressive poets of all time." "It's in the opening to this book, Touched with Fire by Kay Jamison." "She's a psychologist, and when she was first starting out she, out of nowhere, had this manic episode." "It scared her." "So she tried to keep it a secret." "But then... something changed." "She decided to write books about it." "She did all this research, and she found all these crazy connections between bipolar and artistic genius all through history, all over the world." "Instead of being ashamed of it, she made it a gift." "You know, when people go to see The Nutcracker and they look over at their kids and they see their eyes light up when the world turns to magic at night... they'll know that the music that Tchaikovsky composed" "was enriched by his bipolar, and not think of it as just a disease." "When I look at the river, I mean, that's a symbol for two things coming together." "That could be the end of a journey, or two people." "Anything else?" "Well, I mean, you can have more if you want more." "There's a house." "Yeah, Luna, I just told Emily's fortune." " Come on, I want to hear yours." " Put 'em together." " Take a seat." " What?" "She wants to read your cards." "She got a moon." "You got a moon?" "That's interesting." "She got two rivers meeting." "Why is it interesting?" "You know that we're made up of mostly water?" "And the moon pulls water." "Well, that's just the sun that does that." "I just reflect it." "But when the sun's down we see the moon." "That's the light." "That's true, but that's just the light from the sun hitting the moon, shining back." "Couldn't sleep again?" "No." "Well, that's weird." "It's the same time as last night." "Must be something to do with the moon." "Why did you name yourself Luna?" "Because the lunatic looks to the moon as if asking it how he got stuck down here." "Where are you from?" "Yeah, I know you're from the moon, but what about your parents?" "My father's from here." "My mother's from where I'm from." "She used to wake me in the middle of the night and take me out to look at the stars." "Imagine jumping from star to star to star." "And your dad?" "He falls with most dads." "They don't like to see their girls..." "struggle." "So..." "I don't see him much." "I guess..." "I guess I make him sad." "We're not from here, you and me." "Feels like that." "How'd you get stuck here?" "It's embarrassing." " Tell you, if you tell me." " Okay, you tell me first." "Okay." "You forced your eyes opened, and stared into the sun." "Is that what triggered it?" "You know what?" "We're both really exhausted." "I know I am." "There's no way that we're going to get through all this tonight." "You should spend the night, and first thing in the morning we'll go over all of this in detail." "Sign this and check yourself in, and we will do a thorough examination of your case first thing in the morning." "You accidentally checked yourself into a mental institution?" " Just for one night." " No." "For one night." " It's not that funny." " It's stupid." "Okay." "Now it's your turn." "I climbed to the top of a building." "I looked up to the moon, asking it to take me home." "And all of a sudden..." "I felt this light shining on my face." "And I thought, "My God." "It's working." "I get to go home."" "And..." "Know what?" "You know, maybe..." "Maybe you're right." "I mean, maybe we are aliens." "You, too?" "Maybe." "Lunatic mind ticks in sync with lunar time." "The more the moon pulls the tides, the more it lifts our minds and the more the sunlight shines on the moon the more manic we become." "This is a normal brain, lit up just in a few places." "But this, this is a manic brain, fully lit." "That's what you call illumination." " It's the sages." " I know." "It's the prophets through the ages who know about the gods." "The prophets, when they were manic, that was when they were almost reaching full illumination." "And that was right before they died." "That's the 13th hour." "That's what you're talking about." " Right, that's what I'm saying." " That's illumination." "Look at these pyramids." "They all face the heavens." "This is intricate cosmic mapping, ways out." "These all have to do with escaping to somehow getting out of the body, this flesh..." "Well, they did find certain stones, metals, that absorb energy." "And the metals absorb the heavens reaching up to the tip of the pyramid to the sun, inviting its light in." "Yes, yeah, put it in." "Silverware, silverware." "Yeah, we need a transmitter." " These are for the antenna?" " Yeah." "They'll get out, yeah." "That's not gonna work." "What can we use?" "Use this." "Stick it in there." "I don't know if these things are strong enough." "There are four sides to each pyramid." "This is a view from..." "of the third pyramid." "The three pyramids, four sides to each one." "There is 12." " 12 months." " 2012." " 12 hours." " 12 apostles." "Dr. Strinsky doesn't want you two coming out at night anymore." "So..." "Could I have something to help me sleep?" "No reaction." "You know what?" "The more down-to-earth they are, the deeper they sleep." "Okay." "Don't wait, then." " Okay, no." "Yeah." " I'm going to stretch that over." "What if our souls get lost?" "They won't." "We'll keep each other oriented." "What if we lose each other?" "If we lose each other then we come back to our bodies." "Okay, we come back to our bodies, and we remember this." "We remember this map." "Okay?" "And we remember it's in this book." "And it'll be on this page, all right?" "And it'll be right here in the top right corner." "Okay?" "Are you ready?" "Yeah." "The nurses tell me you two have continued to stay up at night together even after I instructed you not to." "First reports say you stayed up until four A.M." "And the more recent reports say you haven't slept at all." "So, we're going to move you, Marco, to a different ward." " Why?" " Because you have a bad influence..." " But, why?" " No, we don't." "Is it true that neither of you thinks you're from this planet?" "Because we're not from this planet." "Okay, sit." "Where do you think you're from?" " Would someone from your planet do this?" " Marco." "Sit down." " You know what?" "You can't separate..." " Would someone from your planet do that?" "That's not fair." " Would they?" " Fuck you!" " Don't you go near her." " No!" "Marco!" "Marco!" " Fuck you!" " No!" "No!" "No!" " Get them off!" " No, you motherfucker!" "No!" "Let us go home!" "Please, let us go home!" "We just want to go home." "Why is he so sedated?" "He was with a female patient and they made each other manic." "We separated them and they became even more manic." "How long is he going to be like that?" "It's not just the medication." "Because the mania got so out of control and he went so high, he's going to go just as low with the depression." "It's going to be severe." "It'll be about six months." "We would keep him here, but the hospital just can't afford it." "I suggest that he live with you for a while." "Wake up." "Made you dinner." "Taken a shower?" "Just take a bath?" "Yeah." "Didn't you take one, like, four hours ago?" "It's the same one." "You've been in the tub for four hours?" "It comforts me." "I didn't see you there." "How you feelin'?" "Same." "Meet me on the other side." "What if we lose each other?" "If we lose each other, then we come back to our bodies." "Okay, we come back to our bodies, and we remember this." "We remember this map, okay?" "Yo, yo, I got another joke." "I got another joke." "I was a patient here, back in the fall." "There was this girl who was in my ward." "I don't have her contact information." "Yeah, we can't give out patient's information for confidentiality reasons." "Is Dr. Strinsky here?" "Hey, Carla." "Hey." "Listen, I know it's hospital policy not to give out patient's information, but if you hadn't torn us apart, we would've exchanged information." "I'm sorry, but no matter what, it's out of my hands." "Will you at least tell me if he came looking for me?" "No, he didn't." "Marco." "I already told you, I'm not giving you her information." "Okay." "Can you just give her this, if she comes in?" "Let me see." "I'm sorry." "I'm not going to give this to her." "But that's not personal information." "That's not against hospital policy." "It's not just policy, Marco." "You two made each other manic when you were together in the hospital." "It's my professional opinion that you're not healthy for one another." "Have a seat." "I'll tell Dr. Strinsky that you're back." "What did you think... seeing it up close?" "I thought it was..." "It was cool." "What did you think?" "I thought it was nice." "You didn't like it, did you?" "I guess I just..." "It wasn't..." "Do you remember what this looked like when we were in the hospital?" "You've just come out of the depression." "You haven't been in a physical relationship for quite a while." " It's understandable." " No, it's not just that." "I don't feel the emotion that I should feel for her." "Well, you won't have the passion you had when you were manic." "You're going to have to learn to live within a normal range of emotions." "This isn't a normal range." "I don't feel anything." "You've lived in emotional extremes for so long, you've no way of knowing what normal feels like." "And it's going to take you some time to learn." "Okay." "Okay." "I've been calling." "Why didn't you pick up?" "I'm sorry..." "You know, I'm still not comfortable with you living on your own." "So that might worry me a little bit." " Mom..." " What, you're..." "Do you think maybe I could come and visit you tomorrow?" "You're not going to let me come in?" "Well, I'm just..." "Well, I'm..." " You know how..." " Please, sweetie, I just... just let me in or I'm not going to sleep tonight." " Mom..." " Oh." " Hello." " Hello." "Who's that?" "Come on in." "Marco, this is my mom." " Hello." " Mom, this is Marco." "Hello." " Wow." "Very nice to meet you." " Hi." "Nice to meet you." "We were just reading Touched with Fire." " It's a great book." "Do you know it?" " No." "Really?" "Carla never told you about it?" "No." "So how do you two know each other?" " Oh..." " He's a poet." "I'm hungry." "Do you guys want to go get some food?" " I'd love that." " Great." "I'm not really hungry." "Well, at least come along for the conversation." "You don't have to eat." "If anything, your mouth will be more free to talk." "Do you like spicy food?" "I don't know." "Maybe." " I know this place that has a really..." " You know, I'm tired." "Oh, really?" "Why do you think you're tired?" "I kinda just want to stay in." "Okay." "Well, maybe we could pick up something for you and bring it back." "No, I just..." "I'll come back another time if you're tired." "Are you ashamed of me?" " What?" " Are you ashamed of me?" "No." "What are you talking about?" "Why didn't you tell her?" "I don't know." "I guess I'm just afraid of..." "of them tearing us apart." "They can't tear us apart." "We have to tell them." "Okay." "So, I just..." "I want to orient myself, if you don't mind." "My wife, you know, Sara, had updated me a little on the background of the situation." "You met Carla in the hospital?" " That's right." " We met in, well, group therapy." "They..." "We have to do group therapy every day." "That's nice that you were able to connect in that environment." "Yeah, absolutely." "And, but right..." "This was right before you both went manic." "When you have this illness, you... actually go manic before you go into the hospital, Dad." "Oh, of course." "Well, that's true." "I'm sorry." "No, I meant the..." "but right after you met, then what would we say, you went more manic." " More." " It did increase, is it..." "Well, we brought out each other's nature, if that's what you're driving at." " So you..." " I guess that's one way of putting it..." "You admit that you bring out each other's illness, right?" "No, I'm saying that it's our nature to feel things more deeply than what's considered normal." "And not..." "That's really not what..." "I understand it, that it's sort of not a norm." "I understand that it's an illness..." "I don't think we should get caught up, if I may, just on whether it's a disease or nature or something." "I think the point is, and the reason we're here, is, you both have it, and I guess we're just concerned that you might be a bad influence on each other." "That's it." "Well, but because we both share it, we're the only ones that can relate to each other." "It's beautiful." "Well, I understand that." "Excuse me, but you understand that?" "The doct... remember, the doctors told us?" "I mean, let's face it." "You know, if they signed up for a dating website, you know, and they put down "mentally ill,"" "it's not like they're going to attract a whole lot of people saying," ""Oh, that's my soul mate." Right?" "Maybe this is a chance for them to have a real relationship." "You know, and if they stay on the medication, quite frankly, I got no problem with that." "But that's the whole issue, right?" "Mom, can you just listen to him?" " We can't take the meds." " Mom, just... just listen..." "Okay, well, just as I thought." " What are you talking about?" " You know what I'm talking about." "Marco, listen." "You know that it's going to take time till you find the right dosage, right?" "Even the doctor, the doctor has said that eventually you are going to feel the wide range of normal emotions." "And how does he know?" "He's not taking the meds." "The doctor does not take the meds, and you know that." "So, then I can't just trust him." "I don't think it's such a bad thing to feel life with the deepest emotion." " I don't think that's a problem." " It's an illness." "Well, maybe for you, because maybe you have a low emotional capacity, and so to you, it makes you feel sick." "No, I don't have..." "Wait a minute." " I don't have a low emotional capacity." " Wait, it's not an attack." " I feel things just fine." " I'm sorry." "I understand." " Mom, you don't have to get upset." " I don't..." "My only question..." "Well, how dare he say that." " Okay, as an example, if you..." " He's just talking." "...like, how many hours do you spend a week with your husband?" " Oh, my God." " This is really not gonna... this is not about us, again." " As many hours as any married..." " I'd like to answer that." " Okay." " We spend many hours a week together." "I would spend every waking moment" " with your daughter." " Okay." "I..." "So you mean, insanity is love, that you have to be crazy to be in love?" "Is that what you're saying?" "That's not what I'm saying." "You don't understand, Dad." "I understand more than you know." "And if you think that there's any romance in being crazy, you're crazy." "No, if you understood, then Mom wouldn't have left." "Your mother, she left because she was sick." "She left because you thought she was sick, because she was wild." "And you were tame, and you wanted to tame her, Dad." " So where is her love now?" " Dad." "No, really, where is it?" "When was the last time you heard from your mother?" " Excuse me." " Oh, my God." "You can't listen to him." "He's wrong." "You know that." "This is not a gift." "It's an illness." "It needs to be treated." "I've gotten you through so much, honey." "You have to trust me right now because sometimes your illness doesn't let you think completely clearly." "But you've gotta believe me." " Carla, please don't..." " Don't be upset now, come on." ""We awoke from our sleep and left our sanity beside our bed, peeled off those sedative sheets... released our eyelids' grip on their protective lens... and let the whole miracle in against all defense, past the shattering glass." "God, grant us that view... and all its blindness due."" "What is that?" ""A child to rise from our fiery seeds, that burned across our bloodlines for lifetimes, to finally meet."" ""And find a face for the first time in the reflection between our locked eyes." ""And in their vision, in a sudden flash of recognition of our place in the Grand Design, our child will be let into the gates of creation."" ""Touched with both our fires, to burn twice as high as you and I."" "Hey, Marco, let's give our baby this book so that when he starts to know what he has, he's gonna know the beauty in it." "Hello!" " Hey, how are you?" " Joe!" "Okay, thanks." "Is Marco here?" "I'm his father." "Oh, no." "I haven't seen him in weeks." " Weeks?" " Yeah." "Okay." "I'm going to see what she wants." "Hey, Mom." "Actually, we're busy." "Oh, really, because I would just..." "I would love to just get together with you and Marco and hear about what you guys are doing." "You know, just clear the air." " I don't know, Mom..." " Honey, I really..." "I really want to work things out." "I do." "I just..." "I don't want to not see you because of this." "You know, I don't want to lose you for stupid reasons." "Neither do I." " Hi, Marco." " Hello." " How are you?" " Hi, Marco." " Good, how are you?" " Good." " Hi, Marco." " Hello." " How you doing?" " Are you guys hungry?" " We have some..." " Oh, you've left the door open." "I'll get that." "I'll get that." "It's not important." " Yeah." " Wait a minute." "What are you..." "What's he doing here?" " Oh, we invited him." " What are you doing here?" " Why?" "You weren't..." " We love you," " and we want what's best for you." " What's going on?" " I brought some people." " No." " No!" "Stop!" " It's fine." " No, he doesn't get to come in here." " Calm down." " It's okay." " No." "Stop!" "He doesn't get to come in here!" "Marco, just calm down, okay?" "You're a danger to yourself and to others." "You guys need help, okay?" "You're off your meds and you're manic." " You need help." " No!" "Fucking, no!" "Dad, you fucked me!" "You can't fucking do it." " Your family loves you..." " Dad, I will never fucking forgive you." "I will never..." " You fucking sold me down the river." " I'm sorry." "...very much." "Take a breath, Marco." "Okay, no, you're right." "It's okay." "All right?" " Hey." " We'll go, okay?" " Hey, sweetie." " It's really okay." " It's going to be fine." " Don't touch me." " No, no, Carla." " Okay, sweetie, I understand." "No!" "No!" "No, don't!" "Fucker!" "We have to go away." "If they find us, they'll stop us from having our child." "They won't want us to bring a child like us into the world." "I understand." "Well, could you let me know if you hear anything at all?" "Thanks so much." "I was really worried." "This way." "We should go into the wild where they can't find us." "We can raise a child there." "He won't have to grow up going through what we went through." "He'll be free to live the way he was made to be." "This is the place." "This is the place we'll raise our child." "Everything around him just as wild." "Oh, shit." "What are we gonna do?" " I'm gonna drive in the river." " What?" "We'll have Nature's support." "I got you." "First of all, I'd like to say that we were very fortunate to catch things as early as we did." "That's especially true in light of today's news." "Carla's pregnant." "And I want everyone here to know that myself and the staff here at the hospital are prepared to do everything that we possibly can to help her and Marco in their transition to the outside world." "Wow, I really want to be happy about this, but I'm sorry, I can't." "I can't be." "We promise that we're both gonna take our medication." "We're both responsible in the situation." "You know, my daughter means everything to me." "And I would help you to get a job." "Thank you." " You have your interview tomorrow, right?" " Yeah." "You know, I was thinking about that." "Do you know what I was thinking would be cool?" "Maybe I could walk dogs." "I'd be out there, I'd be working, you know?" "I'd be, the same time, taking everything in, the sounds, the trees, the buildings, the... just all of it, sort of just absorbing all of that, and then like, letting that sort of be infused into my poetry, you know?" "We did tell our parents that we were going to try to support ourselves with..." "Exactly." "And that's why I'm thinking of things to do." "I mean, I just don't know how much you would get paid." "With the baby we're going to have diapers and blankets and food and supplies and school and strollers and the rent and, you know," " play dates with birthday parties..." " Okay, okay." " I mean, it's just gonna..." " Okay." "Okay." " You know?" " I know." "You're right." "She's like the cutest little roly-poly thing ever." " Just want to eat her." " Wow." "She's like a..." "Hey, look." "That's cool." "Hey, what do you think if we, like, painted like, a giant mural of Starry Night, like, all over the walls?" "I love it." "That's a great idea." "Yeah." "And then we could, like, fill the ceiling with all those glow-in-the-dark stars, you know?" " Yeah." " Like those stickers." "Yeah, and maybe we could hang some up here, you know, like a baby-mobile." "Yeah." "And, you know what we could do?" " We could make, like, constellations." " Yeah." "And we could, like, invent our own constellations." "Like, we can, like, go back and forth with it." "And, like, imagine, like..." "imagine the three of us, like, all together, publishing this, like, big book with, like, all of the, like, illustrations of all the different constellations." "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, you don't seem that..." "you don't seem that excited." "No, I'm really excited." "You know what I was thinking?" "I was thinking that we could put the bookshelf right there." "And then we could maybe have..." " Whoa, wait!" "That's perfect!" " ...a rocking chair right here, right?" " No, that's perfect." " Isn't that perfect?" "Hang on, I'm gonna get it." " I love it." " Oh, that reminds me." "Look." "Remember?" " Yes." " And." "The Bible." " Marco." "Marco." " What?" "Have you been taking your medication?" "No." "I can't." "We decided that, you know, we weren't gonna..." " I know." "We did." " ...gonna do anything, you know, reckless because I'm pregnant." "That doesn't mean we have to take the medication." "I can get him to go back on the meds." "No, you can't." "Yes, I can." "We have to." "Carla, you can't." "If he didn't get the message after he almost killed the two of you in the river, he's not going to get it." "Then what are you suggesting?" "I don't see how you can stay with him." "What are you saying?" "That I shouldn't have this child if..." "I just want to be really clear." "Okay?" "You want to raise a child with a psychotic manic parent." " Hi." " Hi." " I'm Carla." " Hi." "Kay Jamison." " Nice to meet you." " How do you do?" "Marco." " Nice to meet you." " It's such an honor to meet you." "Well, thank you." "This is incredible." "I have to tell you, you know, your books have just been so meaningful to us, and they've really helped us through a lot, you know, both Carla and myself." "Well, I'm glad." "Thank you." " Thanks." " Yeah." "Yeah, so May 1 st, we're due, and we know there's certain sacrifices that go along with, you know... which..." "Yeah, which you mentioned in terms of taking medication, whether or not to take medication or whether you are going to take medication." "My biggest concern is just having a child, coming into this world, you know, welcoming this new life, and it sort of being around two people who are duller than they are used to, or..." "When I first was medicated, I was first medicated a very long time ago." "Lithium had just come out on the market." "I was kept at a very high dose because that's what people did at that time, and I did feel somewhat dead, and I resisted it." "But I'm still on Lithium, and I don't feel in any way inhibited." "I just don't know how I'm gonna make... how my creativity is going to be affected." "You're concerned about losing your art and losing your passion." "Medication's not going to take your personality away." "It's not going to take your own gift." "It's a fire when it's out of control." "And what medication can do is to kind of tamp that down a bit without losing that gift." "It took quite a while for my moods to kind of get in gear." "I have felt infinitely happier." "I'm more productive." "I'm more able to count on myself to produce and write." "In every aspect of my life it's been a godsend." "I thought she was really impressive." "Was cool, right?" "She's weak." "She didn't have the strength, so she gave up." " What?" " You could see it in her." "She was like... she wished that she could have what those artists have that she writes about." "But she doesn't have the guts." "That's why she writes about them." "You know, do you think that Poe or Byron or Tchaikovsky," "Melville, Hemingway, would've backed down and turned away from the storm the way she did?" "No." "They rode the tides." "They rode them, but she didn't." "That's why she writes about them, because she wants to be like them in her fantasy, but she can't." "Well, I liked what she had to say about, you know, how we can experience full emotion even more than..." "I don't want the full emotion!" " Well, then what do you want?" " I want the mania!" "You want the mania?" " Well, it's fucking crazy." " Why?" "Because of something that your doctor told you" " or something that your parents told you?" " No." "Because you're not willing to make any sacrifices." "You say you want a family." "You say you want love." "But you're not willing to give anything up for it." "We're gonna elevate the baby with it." "It's a gift, Carla." "No, no, it's not a gift." " And you..." " Fuck!" "What is this?" "This, all this about the poetry, about the beauty of it?" "Is this just bullshit?" "Let's just fucking cut it out, Carla." " Don't." "Please, no." " Fucking cancer." "Yup." "Tear it out." " Stop." " Why do we wanna infect our baby with this?" " Here." "You take it, Carla!" " Don't!" "Carla, I'm sorry." "Carla, I'm so sorry." "Carla?" "Shit." "Hello?" "I tried calling you all day." "I didn't mean to push you like that." "I never want to hurt you." "I'm so sorry." "Please." "Have you been drinking?" "Marco." " Oh, hey." " Surprise." " Hey, honey." " Hey." "What's going on?" " Hey, come here." "Surprise." " What's going on?" "I wanted to throw us a surprise baby shower." "I called all of our parents, and I thought we could have a surprise baby shower." "Well, you actually said it was an urgent meeting," " so that's why we rushed over." " I know." "I wanted it to be a surprise for all of us." "Oh, no, it's okay." "So good to see you." "Hi, sweetheart." "You okay?" "Oh, yeah." "Everything's good." " All right." " It's good." " Hi." " Hi." "Good to see you." "Hey, you know, before we..." "Hey, wait, hold on, hold on." " Here you go." "Here." " No, thank you." " Before we..." "Marco." " Here you go." " Marco, can I talk to you, please?" " Sure, sure." " Do you guys mind if we just..." " Oh, please, no, that's fine." "No, I mean, now." "Can we talk?" "Could we talk now?" "Oh, yeah, just give me one second, okay?" "Let me get this open." "Just going to open this up." " Oh." " Be careful with that." "Whoa." "Okay." " Sorry." " It's okay." "It's all right." " There you go." " Just a little." " That's fine." " Okay?" "Sure?" " And a little bit." " Marco." " What?" " Just..." "What's going on?" " What?" " You all right?" "It's all good." "Here." " You want some?" " You know what?" "Oh, you know what?" "You probably shouldn't because of the baby." "I guess a little sip would be okay." "Right?" "I'll just pour you some, and then when I finish making the toast... you can decide." "Sorry." "I forgot something." "Here we go." "Got you a gift." " Thank you." " Open it." "Open it, open it, open it." "Carla and I have been looking for children's books... and I came across this one a few days ago, and it just struck me as perfect, you know?" "You know, when we were in the hospital together, when we first met... we imagined that we were from another planet because we don't belong here on this earth." "And we liked to pretend that one day we'd get to go back to our real planet, our home." "And in this book the little prince is from another planet, but he's visiting Earth." "And... eventually he wants to go back home, but the only way that he can do that is to die here on Earth." "So, this is a toast... to a baby that will feel like he belongs here, on Earth... on this planet." "And won't have to die to go home." "Carla, I just made a toast." " Carla." " It's okay." "It's a toast." "Raise the glass." "I..." "Why don't you have a drink, Carla?" "Are you still gonna pretend, after all of this, that you still can't drink?" "Because I know." " Why don't you just say it?" " All right." "Just say it." "Just say it, say it." "Carla had an abortion." "Surprise." "Right?" "So, why don't you just say it, Carla?" " Please say it, please." " All right, I did." "How could you do that?" "Did you forget everything?" "No." "I didn't forget anything." "I thought you knew that that was our miracle, that that was our gift from God." "I thought you knew that!" " I did." "I did!" " I thought you knew that that was our gift from God!" "So what changed?" " Because!" " What changed?" " Because!" " Why?" "Because I didn't want it to be raised by our illness!" "So we're a mistake?" "We're a mistake?" "We're a mistake?" "Are we a mistake, Carla?" "Are we a mistake?" "So that's it." "Hello?" "What?" ""As the sun and moon aligned in the sky, they illuminated each other's shine." "And the closer to each other they moved the brighter they shined, and the higher the fire inside of us grew." "As we raced through the days on that fling, each footprint we laid blazed away that piece of the earth's entire lifetime of beauty in the brief second it touched our feet, leaving nothing but ashes beneath us." "Until we had no ground left to stand on and nowhere left to flee."" ""And now that we've turned away from our fire to face the days that remained unburned by the flames, and learn to gaze at them through sane eyes one day at a time." "We can look back at our book with clear sight and give it the ending that we never got the chance to write." "And while I know it's too late to pick up the ripped-up pages," "I will admit, I still think of our little prince." "And sometimes I go outside and look up at the sky and think about what planet he might've gone back to after he died." "Then I imagine the three of us living up there as a family in another lifetime." "But for now, you have your own life, and I have mine." "And we have to live them the way we would have if we could go back to the day we conceived our child and were able to see what our manic eyes were blind to at the time." "When the sun and moon finally came as close as they could be and the fire inside us rose to its highest peak, it leaped past the fading ashes of our flesh to burn our love into eternity, through our baby." "That eternal flame that could blaze brighter than our manic one ever could on its brightest mania days, but that would also sustain."" " I'm really, really proud of you." " Thanks." "Maybe you'll stop by later?" "Hi." "Hey." " I thought that went really well." " Yeah." " Was a really good idea." " Yeah." "So how've you been?" "Okay." "How about you?" "Good." "Yeah, really good." "Is that him?" "Yeah." "He looks like a solid guy." "He is." "Well, I should go." "Hey, Marco." "It's so good to see you." "You, too." "There was a time long ago when tides would rise and winds would blow when the stars pulsed spirals of fire across the sky and all the lunatics saw, and all the lunatics knew that the two eyes of God had aligned in the sky" "to give us a glimpse into the divine" "And though the sane may deny we gazed through God's eyes and claim it was just some misfiring synapses flashing through a crack in our minds we all knew it was true we all knew we shared a view into something just too beautiful to prove" "and they can't take that away from me and you" "Even when the seasons change, summer exceeds its stay, the sun creeps away and fall shadows grab hold of your brain and you can feel your will within each withering leaf clinging to the trees of the entire forest" "surrounding you slipping as they fall down on you and then when Winter rolls around, your soul retreats deep beneath the frozen ground and it's calling your body down and it feels like your ashes are fighting gravity even then, Spring will come again" "and invite you to rise too high and it's up for you to decide if you'll repeat those seasonal tides that will lay waste to your lives" "But if you choose to live you may look out at the sky and reminisce about those times when the Sun and the Moon would align and each would find its other eye so that God could cry about what was lost and why" "But I tell you not to miss those times for the Sun still shines and the Moon will still rise and with just enough light from the far off shine of the sun across the sky it will keep that divine sight forever alive in your eyes"