"Bernard." "Minister not in yet?" "He's in his office, having a meeting." "What about?" "Nothing very important." "I see." "And whatwas that meeting in there yesterday?" "He was just reviewing procedures for briefing him on answers to Parliamentary questions." "But there were Principals present and other assorted underlings." "Just the ones who supply him with the information, actually." "Bernard, this has to be stopped at once." "Why?" "Lfhe talks to the underlings, he may learn things we don't know." " Ourposition could be undermined." " If it increases ourknowledge..." "It is folly if it's at the expense of your authority." "Why?" "Bernard, please stop saying why." "Why?" "I mean, could you develop that point please?" "Would you say that the Minister is starting to run the Department?" "Yes, things are going pretty well, actually." "No, when a Ministeractually starts to run his Department things are not going pretty well." "They are actually going prettybadly." "But actually... er..." "I mean, in fact, isn't it the Minister's job to run the Department?" "No, Bernard, it is ourjob." "Orto be more precise, it is my job, forwhich I've had 25 years experience and training." "Don't you realise whatwould happen if the Ministerruns it?" "No, what?" "First, there would be chaos, naturally." "And second, which is much more serious, there would be innovations." "Changes, Bernard." "Public debate." "Outside scrutiny." "Is that what you want?" "Good heavens, no." "But what should he do then?" "A Ministerhas three functions." "First, as an advocate, making the Department's actions seem plausible to Parliament and public, he is ourpublic relations man." "Second, he is ourman in Westminster, steering our legislation through Parliament." "And third, he is ourbreadwinner." "He has to fight in Cabinet forthe money we need to run our Department." "But, he is not here to review departmental procedures with Principals and Assistant Secretaries." " But ifhe's go the time." " Why has he got the time?" "He shouldn't." "That's yourfault, Bernard!" "You must ensure he hasn't got the time." "Create activity, Bernard!" "He should be making speeches, visits." "We need deputations, junkets abroad, mountains of red boxes, we need crises, emergencies, panics!" " Pull yourself together, Bernard." " Yes, but..." " You leave spaces in his diary?" " No, he makes those." " Fill them up." " He won't let me." "Don't ask him." "Do it." "Make sure he spends more time where he can't do any damage." " But where?" " The House of Commons, for instance." "I really do try my best." "There's a deputation in there." "What is it about, Bernard?" "Something completely trivial, preserving badgers in Warwickshire." "Well done, Bernard." "Why didn't you tell me this when I asked you before?" "Actually, I thought itwas rathertrivial." "I didn't think you would approve, actually." "Bernard." "I'll try and find some more threatened species then, shall I?" "You may not have to look veryfar." "Secretaries who can't occupy their Ministers are a threatened species, actually." "We have a sacred trust to preserve ournatural heritage." "That's what this new legislation is designed to ensure." "As I said in the House, the system simply isn'tworking." "It's a hotch- potch." "Local authorities, tourist authorities, national parks, countryside commision, C. P. R. E." "Nobody knows where they are, nothing gets done." "They're all back biting and buck passing." "You know what committees are like." "We are a committee." "Yes." "I didn't mean yoursort of committee." "But this new legislation is designed to create clearauthority, and save a great deal of public money." " You ought to welcome it." " But what about Hayward's Spinney?" "Afew very small areas will lose theirspecially protected status, because it isn't economical any longer, to maintain them as they ought to." "Hayward's Spinney is a vital part of ourheritage." "The badgers have dwelt there forgenerations." " Can you be sure of that?" " It said so in The Guardian." "Ah, well..." "Actually it says that the badgers have dwelt there forgenerations!" "Howwould you feel if you had a lot of office blocks built overyourgarden by a lot of giant badgers?" "But a lot of office blocks..." "giant badgers?" "There's nothing special about man, Mr. Hacker." "We're not above nature." "We're all a part of it." "Men are animals too, you know." "Yes, I've just come from the House of Commons." "Sorry, Minister, you are due foryournext appoinment." "Oh, what a pity." "Thank you forputting yourcase so persuasively." "It's been a pleasure." "Left at the corridor and down the stairs." "But whatwill you do about it?" "All views will be taken into consideration." "Now if you'll excuse me..." "Very polished performance." "Gracious." "And said nothing." "Very professional." " Why wasn't I warned?" " About what?" "That unifying the administration would remove protected status from this beaverwhatsit?" "Badgercolony." "Hayward's Spinney, East Warwickshire." "Somebody must have know about it." "If somebody did happen to know, they wouldn't necessarily know that you wanted to know what they happened to know, in case..." " Ah!" "Sir Humphrey!" " Humphrey!" "Good morning, Minister." "Is it yourjob to help Ministers make fools of themselves?" "I have nevermet one that needed any help." "No, it is the last thing..." "Why did you encourage me to say that unifying the administration meant no loss of amenity, when I've signed a death warrant fora whole army ofbeavers?" " Badgers, Minister." " What?" "Beavers would have a navy." " Why did you let me do it?" " I did not encourage you to say that." "You did!" "The Department prepared this." " "No loss of amenity", it says." " No." " "No significant loss of amenity"." " Same thing." "There's all the difference in the world." "Almost anything can be attacked as a "loss of amenity", and be defended as "not a significant loss of amenity"." "One should appreciate the significance of"significant"." "Well, be that as it may, any publicity would be very damaging." "Oh, I think not." "But if there is a loss of amenity..." "If you'd approve this release, you would see that it does counter all theirarguments." "It points out that the spinney is deregistered, not threatened." "Badgers are very plentiful all overWarwickshire." "And it points out the connection between Badgers and brucellosis." ""Cannot be regarded as a significant loss of amenity"." "So this might not get into the National Press?" "Afew lines on The Guardian." "Nothing to worry about." "Only the urban middle class worry about the preservation of the countryside, because they don't live in it." " Would that be all, Minister?" " Yes!" "No, this may well blow over, but it doesn't answer my basic question." " Which was?" " Why wasn't I told about it?" "There are those who have argued and indeed cogently that on occasion there are some things it is betterfora Minister not to know." "What are you talking about?" "Minister, youranswers in the House and at the Press Conference were superb." "You were convincing." "The critics were silenced." "But could you have spoken with the same authority if the ecological pressure group had been badgering you?" "But I have a right to know!" "I am the people's representative!" "What right have you got to withhold this information?" " It's in yourown best interests." " What do you mean?" "It's outrageous!" "It must not occuragain." "I've a plan forthe reorganising of this Department which would ensure that it doesn't." " Indeed?" " Yes, indeed." "If I had one undersecretary and two Assistant Secretaries reporting to me..." " Minister." "Please!" " Let me tell you my plan." "The plan is immaterial." "Minister, I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear." "Why should today be any different?" "Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsabilities has always been so determined as to liberate the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose qualifications have betterformed them forthe performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing" "theirpolitical overlords forthe more onerous duties and deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of theirexalted position." "What made you think I wouldn'twant to hearthat?" "I thought it might upset you." "How could it?" "I didn't understand a single word." "Foronce in your life, put it into plain English." "If you insist." "You are not here to run this Department." "I beg yourpardon?" "You are not here to run this Department." "I think I am." "The people think I am, too." "With respect Minister, you are... they are wrong." "And who does run this Department?" "I do." "Oh, I see..." " What am I supposed to do?" " We've been through all this." "Make policy." "Get legislation enacted." "And above all secure the Department's budget in Cabinet." "It seems the budget is all you care about." "It is rather important." "We might end up with a department so small that even a Ministercould run it." "Are we to have a disagreement about the nature of democracy?" "No, Minister, merely a demarcation dispute." "What I mean is that the menial chore of running a department is beneath you." "You're fashioned fora noblercalling." "Well, I leave the routine paperwork to you but I must insist on direct access to all information." "Neveragain "There are some things it is betterfora Minister not to know"." " Well, Minister..." " That is an order, Humphrey!" "As you say, Minister." "If that is what you really want." "It's treating Cabinet Ministers as if they were ten yearolds." "Afternoon." " Finished with The Guardian?" " Yes." "I haven't got the Socialist Workerforyou." "Daddy's pleased to see you down forbreakfast?" " He hasn't seen you fora while..." " I was having a lie-in." "Betterthan a sit-in, I suppose." "Why were you so late last night?" "There are some things it's better fora fathernot to know." "Don't you start!" " What?" " Nothing, nothing." "I was outwith the Trots." "Gosh..." "Are you going to see a doctor?" "The Trotskyites!" "Oh, a Trotskyite now are you?" "No." "Peter is." "Peter?" "Yes, Peter." "You've only met him about 15 times." "Oh, is he the one with the..." "and the..." "Yes." " Jim, I need yourhelp today." " Whatwith?" "Shopping, the kitchen plughole's blocked, the lawn needs mowing." " I've got all these boxes to do." " They can wait." "Annie, I am a Cabinet Minister." "A member of Her Majesty's Government." "It's a fairly important job." "But you have 23.000 civil servants to help you, I haven't." "Play with yourmemos later, the drains need fixing now." "Oh, Lucy!" "You've got marmalade all overmy cabinet papers." "Oh, God." "Now I've got butteron them." "Get a cloth." " Get it yourself." " Lucy." "You're not in Whitehall now." ""Yes, Minister", "Certainly", "Just as you say"." ""May I lick yourboots, Minister?"" "That's not fair." "Those Civil Servants may be always kowtowing to Daddy, but they nevertake any notice ofhim." "I've justwon a victory in my Department." "Look at all those boxes." "That's what I mean." "You were better, now they've done a snow job on you again." " Not at all, I asked forall this." " Why?" "Humphrey said, "There are some things it's betterfora Minister not to know"." "He's witholding things forme, probably important things." "So I have insisted that I am told everything that goes on." "How did you get to be a Cabinet Minister?" "You're such a clot." " What?" " Don't you see?" "You've played right into Humphrey's hands." "An open invitation to swamp you with useless information." "I don't think so." "What's in that box, for instance?" "Technical reports, feasibility studies, past papers of assorted committees, stationery requisitions..." "Oh, damnation." "You can'twin." "It's Catch 22, isn't it?" "So little information you don't know the facts, orso much you can't find them." "They've got you going and coming." " There's a story about you here." " I've read it." " "Hacker, The Badger Butcher"." " Daddy's read it." " What's all this then?" " Lot of rubbish." ""Hackeradmitted that removing protected status from Hayward's Spinney mean the end of the badgercolony"." ""A spokesman forthe Preservation of British Wildlife said:" ""Hackerhas signed the badger's death warrant"." "One:" "I am not a babgerb..." "badgerbutcher..." "Whatever it is." "Two:" "Badgers are not an endangered species." "Three:" "The removal of protected status does not mean all the badgers will be shot." "And four:" "If a fewbadgers die forthe sake of a masterplan thatwill save Britain's natural heritage, tough." "A masterplan, mein Führer." " The end justifies the means?" " Lucy..." "It's because badgers can't vote." "Lfbadgers had votes, you wouldn't be exterminating them." "You'd be at Hayward's Spinney, shaking paws, and kissing cubs..." "Ingratiating yourself the way you always do." " Not a nice thing to say." " It's true, isn't it?" "Yes, but Daddy's in politics." "He has to be ingratiating." " Thank you very much." " It's got to be stopped." " The decision has been taken." " I'm going to stop it." "Quite simple, get yourself adopted as a candidate, win a general election, serve on the back benches, become a Minister and repeal the act." "The badgers might be getting on a bit by then." "Assistant Secretaries reporting to the Minister!" "I know." "Does he think he is a civil servant?" "The arrogance of these politicians!" "Ah, Bernard." "Thank you." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Fine." "You can show that last one to the Minister." "He'll be quiet fora bit." "Is something the matter?" "Well, it's just that..." "I've been increasingly worried about keeping things back from the Minister." " Shall I..." " No, no, no." "What do you mean?" "Why shouldn't he be allowed to know things ifhe wants to?" "Silly Boy!" "Bernard, this country is governed by Ministers making decisions from the various alternative proposals" " thatwe offerthem, is it not?" " Oh, yes." "Well..." "If they had all the facts, they'd see all sorts of otherpossibilities." "They might even formulate theirown plans instead of choosing between the ones thatwe put up." " Would that matter?" " Would it matter!" "But why?" "As long as we can formulate ourown proposals, we can guide them to the correct decision." "Can we?" "How?" "It's like a conjuror." "The Three Card Trick." ""Take any card", they pick the one that you intend." "Ours is the fourword trick." "There are fourwords if you want a Ministerto accept a proposal." "Quick." "Simple." "Popular." "Cheap." "And there are fourwords fora proposal if you want it thrown out." "Complicated." "Lengthy." "Expensive." "Controversial." "And to be really sure the Ministerdoesn't accept it, you say the decision is courageous." "Worse than "controversial"." ""Controversial" means "this'll lose yourvotes"." ""Courageous" means "this will lose you the election"." "You see, if they have all the facts instead of just the options they might start thinking forthemselves!" " And the system works?" " Works?" "It's made Britain what she is today." "Oh, yes." "I see." "Yes." " What about yourman?" " I'm giving him plenty to read." "Shouldn't you showhim the positive virtues ofbeing kept ignorant?" "Lfhe doesn't know that after 20 years as a politician..." " You look worried, Bernard." " I've just found this letter." "I don't know if I should open it." "You know the rules." "Private secretaries shall open all classifications up to Top Secret." "Only letters marked "personal" shall remain unopened, unless the Minister orders otherwise." "What about Daddy?" "Where does yourfather come into this?" "No." "To "Daddy". "Urgent"." " Does it say"Personal"?" " No." "Well then, it must be opened." " It's from the Minister's daughter." " You astound me." "Trouble at the mill." "Miss Hackerwill join the badgerprotest." " I thought itwas over." " She and herboyfriend." "A 24 hour"Save the badgers" vigil in Hayward's Spinney unless protection is restored." "And they announcing it to the press at 5.00 p. m." ""Minister's daughter in badgerprotest vigil"." "A little embarrassing, but not too serious." "The Ministerwill be more than a little embarrassed." ""Minister's daughter in nude badgerprotest vigil"." "What!" "Miss Hacker and herboyfriend will be... that is, will not not be..." "I mean..." " Do you mean starkers, Bernard?" " Yes, Sir Humphrey." " A different complexion on it." " Especially in this weather." "Put in crude journalistic terms, this makes it a big story." "Front page: with photograph." "Hello, Humphrey." "Something the matter?" "Well?" "Shall we say a slight embarrassment, Minister?" "How slight?" "Withoutwishing in any sense to overstate the case orcause undue alarm, nevertheless, the fact remains..." "Come on!" "Outwith it." " I have a confession to make." " That's a change." "Well, come on, Humphrey, make a clean breast of it." "Not the happiest of phrases underthe circumstances." "How do you mean?" "I have to confess that the badgers may be a somewhat biggerstory than we thought." "Don't tell me they're going to have kittens." "It is not the badgers who are going to have kittens." "There'll be a 24 hourprotest vigil in Hayward's Spinney." " Thatwouldn't be newsworthy." " This is slightly different." "It's to be conducted... by a girl student and herboyfriend." " Just the two of them?" " Yes." "They don't matter." "A pairof layabouts." " They might matterto some people." " Nonsense." "These students are just exhibitionists." "In this case they have something to exhibit." " How do you mean?" " It's to be a nude protest vigil." "I see." " Thatwould make the front pages!" " Yes, quite so." "The press just mustn't find out." "I don't know what gets into these students." " It's appalling." "They're shameless." " Indeed, Minister." "It's theirparents." "They don't bring them up properly." "Just let them run wild and feed them all this antiestablishment nonsense." "Perhaps it isn't entirely the parents fault." "Of course it is!" "Authority, Humphrey." "All this is an indictment of theirparent's lack of discipline." "So they just take it out on innocent people like me." " Who are they?" " We know the young lady's name." "Lady!" "Who is she?" "It seems she's a Miss Hacker." "Hacker... oh, that's my name." "That's a coincidence." "Not a complete coincidence." "Not... not Lucy?" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "She will be telephoning in ten minutes time." "Perhaps the press won't be all that interested?" "No, no..." "Butwill they go all the way up to Warwickshire?" "Fora story like this, they'll go all the way to the South Pole." "This story must be killed." "Advise me, Humphrey." "What about a little parental discipline?" "Don't be silly." " Make her listen to reason." " She's a sociology student." "Perhaps Mrs. Hacker could lock her in herroom?" "Annie's out atwork." "What about the police?" ""Ministersets police on nude daughter"." "I'm not sure that completely kills the story." " There must be something." " Perhaps if I look at the files..." "My daughter's about to get page one of the Sun, and probably page three, and you just think of the files." " Nevertheless..." " They're all out there." " What angle they'll take?" " Wide angle." "Opposition will have fun with this." ""Does the proud father wish to make a statement?"." ""Is the Hackerfamily getting too much exposure?"." ""Is the Ministertrying to conduct a coverup?"." ""Does he run his Department betterthan his family?"." "You'd like me to tell them that Humphrey runs it?" "No, of course not." "I am your Private Secretary." "Do you mean that when the chips are down, you're on my side, not Humphrey's?" "Minister, it's my job to see the chips stay up." "Hello?" "Can I speak to Mr. Hacker?" "It's his daughter." "It's foryou, Minister." "Lucy." "Hello, darling." " Hello, Daddy." " I got yournote." "Fora moment I thought itwas serious." "It is serious." "It's deadly serious." "Pete and I are just going to ring the press, then we're off to the Spinney." "Don't do that!" "Think of the damage." "What damage?" "Well... to me." "To you?" "Isn't that typical?" "What about damage to badgers?" "You're not going to be exterminated." "Well, in a sense, yes." "Then you knowwhat to do." " Ten..." " Look..." "Look..." " Nine..." " Lucy, don't..." " Eight..." " Lucy!" "If I could have a word with the young lady." "Sir Humphrey Appleby wants a word with you." " A new development." " Six... five..." "Miss Hacker..." "Ah, how do you do?" "Humphrey Appleby here." " Mr. Hacker's Permanent Secretary." " Five and holding." "If I could just have a word." "I have just seen the latest report from the Government's inspectors, which throws new light on the issue." "Why?" "Apparently there is no badgercolony in Spinney." "Now, it says here" ""Last evidence ofbadger droppings, freshly turned earth was recorded eleven years ago"." "But the papers..." "Apparently the story was fed to them by a property developer." " Property developer?" " Yes." "The Council has plans to use the spinneyfora new College of Further Education, and the developerwants it foroffices and luxuryflats." "Well, if it's protected he won't be able to." "And, norwill the Council." "And he knows they'll use the moneyforsomething else, then he can establish that there's no badgercolony, get the protection orderremoved and build his offices." "It's common practice." "So there isn't any wildlife in the spinney at all?" "Well, there is some." "It's been used as a rubbish dump by people from Wootton Wawen, so there're lots of rats." " Rats?" " Yes." "Several thousand, actually." "They are wildlife too, in theirway, aren't they?" "Itwould be a pity to play into the developer's hands." "Yes, I suppose itwould." "Yes, I very much respect yourviews and yourcommitment." "Would you like to speak to the Minister?" "No, that's all right." "Oh, well." "Forget it then." "Humphrey!" "I take it all back!" "Itwas nothing, Minister." "Itwas all in the files." "A property developer!" "The cunning devils..." "Let me look at the file!" "I don't think you'd find them interesting." " Let me have a look." " No, I don't think you'd..." "Humphrey!" "Itwas true, wasn't it?" "Was there one word of truth in that whole story you told to Lucy?" "Do you really want me to answerthat question?" "No." " I don't think I do." " Quite so." "Perhaps there are some things it is betterfora Ministernot to know."