"One two three four!" " How about the paralegal?" " Which paralegal?" " The one at the beach?" " Herb's son-in-law?" "No, he's an idiot." "Okay, look." "I'm not ready yet." "How could you not be ready?" "You'll be divorced in a month." "All right, shush." "Danny, I hear you're selling trees now." "Yeah." " For the prom." "He's in charge of the whole thing." " Oh, yeah?" " Who are you taking?" " What?" " You got a cute girlfriend?" " Uh..." " A friend." " Yeah, just..." " A friend you're dating?" "No." "Well, she's..." " been my friend for a long time." " Not dating?" " Not a date?" " leave him alone." "He's working on it." "'Cause that's a big night." "I lost my virginity that night." "Yeah, well, I've got a couple of options." " Sakalov?" " Too tall for you, like Big Bird tall." "Saperstein?" " With the long chin?" " What about Richter?" " I'd go with Richter." " Nah, she's taken." " Who?" " Bart." " Yeah, right." " Seriously." "Yeah, she's going with him." " Like... wait." " Yeah, she agreed to it." " With Bart?" " Yup." " Bart Beeber?" " It's probably just a sympathy thing." " Yeah, but I mean... that's like..." " Dude, just forget it." "What about that sophomore you drive to school?" "Alice?" "Yeah yeah, I'm thinking of her." "She's a cheerleader, so she's limber." " She's cute, yeah." " It's a way to save face." "I mean, we talk every day in the car, so..." "You know what it comes down to... the photo at the end of the night." " That's your proof." " And what do I do about Camille?" "What if she asks?" "Yeah, 'cause, I mean, we've been friends for..." "I don't know..." " eight, maybe nine years." " Dude, what other evening in your whole life is as big?" "Maybe your wedding night, but who cares about that?" "Odds are you're getting divorced, anyway." " So what are you saying?" " Are you here burning up in this humid lizardy bullshit to die?" "Or are you here to live?" "#Be aggressive, B-E aggressive #" "# B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-l-V-E aggressive. #" " Hey." "Whoo!" "Umm, are you sure you don't want to come in?" "'Cause, you know, I could probably get you in." "No, it's fine." "I'll just hang out." "Okay, well, you know, I'll just be..." "I'll just be a few more minutes." "Okay." "Yeah." " Gertie." " "A Night to Remember,"" "except... and here's the catch... with a K for a medieval theme." "Yeah." "But with a K." "Kurt, do you got anything?" ""Putting on the Ritz."" ""Putting on the Ritz," yeah." "I like that, 'cause it's simple." "What?" "Gertie, we didn't... we didn't vote yet." "Uh..." "What do you think?" ""This moment forever."" "So do you know who you're taking yet?" "Oh, you know, I'm just..." "I'm just kind of waiting to see, you know." "Just not with Camille or..." "No no." "No, I mean, I..." "I've got a couple of options I'm working on." "Well, there's..." "there's this one girl I... uh, I don't think you know her." "She's... well," "I'm just kind of waiting for the right time to..." "I mean, do you not like Camille?" "Huh." "No." "No, she's your platonic." "Look, this thing's about romance, you know?" "I mean, you dress up, you wear a flower, you slow dance." "Well yeah, you know, I guess that's why" "I'm trying to wait to ask this one girl." "Personally, I think it would be so cool to go." "With anyone or just..." "Well, definitely not with a hi-bye friend, no." "No." "Right." "Yeah." "You know, I was telling Rhoda why so many seniors are losers and why you're not." "First off, you're definitely more than a hi-bye friend." "And you don't condescend to me... this naive little sophomore that you take home." " Yeah, seniors can be..." " I've been thinking about it and the way that I see it, you're kind of like your car, you know?" "Seriously, your car isn't fancy but it's not ghetto." "You're not a BMW, you're not a Mercedes, but you're not a Chevy Metro either." "It's just this reliable old Buick." "It doesn't need a lot of pretension." "It's not some macho machine that has to flaunt all its features or something." "It's just... there." "It's cozy." "Anyway, could you imagine Friedman driving this thing?" "Or Buchwald?" "Don't you think that's true?" "Don't you think your car represents who you are in every facet?" "You know, I feel kind of weird 'cause you were talking about how I'm like my car" " and now like..." " No, Danny, that doesn't apply now." "It's like if you bumped your arm or something." "It doesn't affect your personality when you bump your arm." "Don't worry about it." " What?" "I just want to tell her..." " No no, Dad." "Shh, look, I want to hear this." "Okay, so both times I spoke on the phone to her, she says she doesn't date over 40." "I'm 52, so I lied..." "I said I was 39, but, I mean..." "That's okay." "I mean, yeah, you look it anyway." "Yeah, okay, 'cause Danny's got that also." "We both have that boyish face." " Okay." " Yeah, Danny definitely has that." "Okay, wrap it up." "I don't want to hear about it, no." "Dad..." "No, forget it." "I finally saw it with my own eyes." "You would not believe the signs this girl was giving him." "I've never seen anything like it." "It was uncanny how many signs she was giving him." "Dad, she's a tease." "You don't know." "His problem is he's so insecure, he's blind." "Didn't you see the way she put her arm on your shoulder like this?" "All the time like this." "And what's with the lips?" "Every time she's looking at him, she's licking her lips." "All right, whatever." "I'll ask her." "What a person does with their body when they're looking at you... like if she's looking at you and she opens up her body to you, twirls her hair, moves her tongue or..." "This girl likes you." "I'm telling you." "She kissed you!" "She probably just wants to go as a sophomore." " She's using me." " Even if she did, who cares?" "You're gonna have a great picture." "I don't know what he's worried about." "He's got so much going for him:" "He's vice president of his class, first chair in the trumpet not to mention honor society;" "He came in third place at the Optimist Oratorical Contest last year." "Honey, did you want to meet Bob now?" "Uh, just..." "just give me a second." "Well, he's here and he's anxious to meet you." "I heard you're a real scholar." "I told him about your award." "I heard you're great on the trumpet." "All right, just give me a second." "I'll get that." " Hey." " It's not... it's not that big a deal, just... here." " Whatever." " What is it?" " Hi, Camille." " Hi, how are you?" " Well, who is this?" " Camille, this is Bob." "Any friend of Danny's is a friend of mine." "Sincerely." "I mean that." " Well, I've got to run." " Well, give my love to your family." "Okay." " Hello, this is Beth." " She's a doll, that Camille." "And you're going to continue, right?" "Yeah, just, uh..." "Oh, shit." ""Danny, I have a feeling you and I are thinking the same thing here, so I'm just gonna come out and say it." "If you think back on how much we've shared together since we were little kids, it almost seems funny that we've avoided the inevitable up until now."" ""Maybe you have other plans, and if you do, I'll cut you some slack." "The bottom line is, you're my best friend no matter what and I think it would be so much fun if we went together to the prom."" "Danny!" "Hi, honey." "How are you?" " Oh." "Who is that?" "Danny?" "It's Danny, honey." " Hey, Danny." " How's it going?" " You eat dinner yet, Danny?" " I think my mom made me" " a tuna sandwich." " What?" "No, come on." "You'll have dinner with us." "No, when's the last time you had a whole family dinner?" "What?" "Why is that rude?" " You know Mr. Wiener?" " Mr. Wiener?" "A sweet guy, a little bold." "I think I'm gonna introduce your mother to him." " Oh yeah?" " Honey, wait." "Are you talking about that crook Wiener?" "No, he's not good for Beth." "You don't think Wiener's good for Beth?" "You finally got some sun on your cheeks." "You look good. 'Cause you know you looked a little pale" " the last time you were here." " How's your father?" "Ooh, yeah, how's he doing?" "Has he settled in yet?" "Yeah." "Well, he just got that place on the beach." "Mmm, Rashbaum showed him that property." "Oh, right, on Dania Beach." "A nice place... simple." "So when's he moving in?" "I think he's moving in in a week." "He's a good egg, your father." "Hey, Danny, do you want to see Camille's dress?" " No no no, it's bad luck." "Forget it." " Mom." "He's gonna see it later, anyway." "Show him the dress." "Should I show him the dress?" " Mom!" "What, you don't want me to show him the dress?" "It's a beautiful beautiful dress." "It's beautiful." "My parents aren't talking to each other at all now." "It's like now I'm in the middle of their debates about money or it's just..." "I don't know." "We should try to get the same dorm next year." "Look, Danny, just..." " What?" " You know what." "'Cause you're one of my best friends, and I don't wanna..." "No, I know." "I just thought 'cause it's in a few weeks, and you don't have a confirmed date yet." " Hey, guys." " Oh my God." " What?" " You are disgusting!" " What?" "He's like a brother." " Get out!" "Ow!" "Mom, Camille just threw a marker at me!" "Shut up, Brittney!" "Just get out!" "No, you shut up, you nerdy bitch." "What's going on?" " She's such a little slut." "She's always trying to flirt with my friends." "Oh, shut up, you geek." "You wish you could flirt with my friends." "Just whatever, okay?" "Whatever." "What is the problem?" "He's taking Alice Stryer, this random sophomore he takes to school." "Random sophomore?" "I've been building up this relationship for a while now and I've been waiting to ask her." "She's, like..." "I don't know." "She's like the only person I'm thinking about." "Seriously." "Honestly." "I mean, my mind's totally set on her." "But you and Camille are best friends." "I mean, that's what this is all about." "It's the culmination of your high school memories." "I mean, who better to share that with than your best friend?" "Mom, I don't care." "He's taking someone else." "I won't go." "You're not going?" "What do you mean you won't go?" "What's going on?" "She's not going." "What?" "I don't mind, all right?" "I'd mind if he was taking Brittney." "It's silly." "You and Camille have known each other for eight years." "What could this girl possibly offer that Camille couldn't?" "You know, I thought about it." "Yeah, I think it could be a lot of fun." "And, umm... you know, I know it's totally last second." "If you need help with a dress or something, I could help you pay for it because I already got the tickets and the..." "Danny, umm... did you think that we were romantically..." "Well, no no." "I don't know." "Some signs, maybe, yeah." "Signs?" "What signs?" "Well, I guess now, here, with the ice cream." "Wait, the ice cream?" "You weren't just looking at me, licking the ice cream and like..." "Yeah, Danny, I was looking at you and I was licking my ice cream." "This is how I eat my ice cream." "I mean, how do you eat your ice cream?" "Uh, last week you kissed me." " I mean, you know..." " Yeah, you're a big brother to me." "You take me to school." "You're my carpool." "Well, I... well, you said you wanted to go." " I thought you were..." " Yeah, but..." " not..." " I don't understand." " You can't go with a friend." " That's just so weird." "This is, like, the total "Twilight Zone."" "Danny, I just can't believe that you thought that." "Huh." "That is just so deranged." "How was she licking?" "'Cause if she was showing her tongue but not looking at you..." "No, Dad, she was looking at me." "She doesn't have that wandering eye thing?" " 'Cause that can be tricky." " Dad, she doesn't have that." "Well, what about the feet?" "No, just hear me out, 'cause the feet can cancel all other signs." "If her toes are pointed toward the door, that cancels all other signs." "Dad, I wasn't watching her toes, all right?" "Look, she could've been doing that in the car ride, 'cause I couldn't see her feet." "Also, she buckled her seat belt at one point, so that could've been a guarded gesture." "Thank you." "Whoops, I think he has to go to the bathroom here." "Sure, of course." "All right, just a quick side note here:" " What do you think?" " Dad, I don't know, all right?" "I'm not gonna lie to you." "This baby thing is a major pain in the ass, but attractive, intelligent, fun and she's got a nice behind on her." "I mean what do you think?" "You're an ass man." " Dad." " What?" " It's weird." " What?" "What's weird?" "It's weird advising my dad on his girlfriend's ass." "It's not natural." "I've got my own crisis here." "Danny... it's the times, okay?" "Everybody's going through this." "I mean most kids are advising their parents these days." "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." "Will everyone please be seated?" ""Want to remember your prom night forever?" "You can, by capturing that perfect moment with a prom photo." "Preorder your photos from the hours of 12:00 and 1:00."" ""Congratulations are in order to Dawn Dwiggins for being crowned this year's prom queen." "Varsity cheerleader Dawn exemplifies true school spirit and gives her time generously to help with the Key Club and the Geriatric Society."" "Kaplan." " Klebener." "Who do we know at Nova?" "Klinger." "Has to be someone at Nova." " Who?" " I'm thinking." " Koch." "Kushner." " Wait a minute." "I've got it." "Danny, you so owe me." "There's no one cute at No... dude." "Am I right?" "You remember that boyfriend of hers?" "Was he anything?" "Hey, Marcy, what's up?" "You did?" "No." "You horndog." "We have to click, though, right?" "No." "He didn't." "Well, anyway, we've got a new guy for you." "Yeah, Craig's friend." "He just broke it off with his girlfriend and he just wants someone to go to the prom with, you know, someone who can totally party." "Yeah, he's... blue eyes, tall." "Yeah, he's cute..." "like quirky cute." "Yeah." "Yeah?" "All right." "So you'll just go in the limo with us and we'll totally pre-party." "Yeah, totally." "Yeah, I've been tanning for three weeks now." "Find out what time..." "Okay, yeah, he'll take you to dinner." "Yeah." "Just call me afterwards if you want to back out," " so there's no pressure." " See, there's the fine print." "Okay, 7:00 at Padrino's." "I'll tell him to make reservations." "Yeah, 7:00 sharp." "Call me afterwards, all right?" "All right." "Bye." "Score." "You're going with Marcy Pine, dude." " Wait, she still has to see me." "Just look nice... wear one of Craig's vests or something... and just be yourself." "Yeah, just be yourself." "Yeah, and whatever you do, don't be late." "You wait, right?" "Honey, I don't like that table." "Go find us a nice one..." "not too cold." " Of course." " Oh, you're kidding." "Danny?" "Was I not just asking about him?" " Just about." " Hi, honey." "Hey, how are you?" "Who are you here with?" "You know, I'm just waiting for a friend." " Oh." " Oh, someone we know?" "Uh, no, he's just kind of like an old friend." "Oh, gee, look who's here..." "Wilentz." "Oh, you're kidding." "Who's he with?" "Hold on." "I'll be right there." " Camille's supposed to meet us here..." " Camille?" " and I just want to talk to you before she comes." " I should probably check outside." " I just want you to know that you don't have to worry about any sort of ego thing if you ask her now." "She'll still go with you." "Her sister was even asked to this thing, and the whole thing is so humiliating for her." "I'm just..." "let me just go see if my friend's here." "I'll be right back." "Marcy?" " Oh shit." "Danny." "Camille, how's it going?" "This is so weird." "Are you eating here?" "Yeah, I was just talking to your mother inside." " I think she's waiting for you." " Who are you here with?" "I'm meeting a friend." " Do I know him?" " Uh, no." "No, he's just kind of like an old camp friend, you know?" "Oh yeah, like a camp counselor or something?" "Yeah, some dude." " Was your mom expecting you now?" "She can wait." "Yeah, she can, but..." "What did you put for where hydroxide ion is highest at?" "Uh, I think I skipped that one." "Why did you skip that one?" "You had like a 50/50 chance." "Uh, well, I don't know." "'Cause I put "at a high pH number."" "Uh, excuse me." "Do you guys have the time?" "Um, yes, it's 10 after 7:00." "Son of a bitch." "Yikes." "What do you mean she won't?" "I was there. I..." "Disrespectful?" "I was just gonna be a few more minutes." "All right." "Okay, fine." "I got a room." "Maynard got one." " Sternberg." " Lipschitz?" "Lipschitz, yeah." "Buchwald." " Buchwald?" " Buchwald." " Bart and..." " No." "Wait." " What?" " Bart?" " Yeah." " Bart?" "!" " Why?" " Bart got a room?" "Dude, get a room." "What's your problem?" "When you find your date, you're gonna want one" " at least as a place to crash." " To crash, yeah." "Believe me, you'll want a room." "The whole world's getting rooms." "Honey, do you want to skip a day from your tanning and go to the zoo with Harry and me?" " You hate the zoo." " I like it now." "I can't." "The thing's in three weeks." "All right." "Just checking." "My mom's getting like that too." "Yeah, it takes about a year to adjust... you know, basic family transition." "Babe, I'm thinking the limo should go to Stein's first." " How much is that gonna be now?" " How much for the limo?" " Apiece." " $400, right?" " Apiece?" "!" " $400 for the six of us." " Six of us?" " Well, if we can't get it, we won't do it." "I mean, there's always getting drunk." "'Cause I mean that's $135, right?" "Well, do you want me to get it?" "Because I can try to get it and if we can't get it, we won't do it." " That's..." "I mean, dude..." " Yeah, Stein and his date's gonna drink with us too." "Yes." "Hon, hon, hon, I'm telling you... drinking is still good." "Your father should be doing this." "He's doing the tickets and the tux." "Well, I'm sorry, but a room here and a limo is a lot more than a cheap tux and two tickets." "Well, who says I'm getting a cheap tux?" "Believe me, with your father you're getting the cheapest." " Well, then can you talk to him?" " I'm not talking to him." "Mom, can't you guys just work it out?" "No, 'cause I'm gonna be out $330 for this thing and he's out... what?" "...$200." "You need to tell your father he needs to take on the limo too." " Seriously, because I can't..." " Mom, please." "He doesn't have it." "Truth is, you shouldn't be getting a hotel room." " I never got a room." " Mom, wouldn't you rather know that I'm safe here rather than out on the road afterward, driving around exhausted?" "I thought that's why you have a limo." "Well, yeah, but it's not like we're out on the street... look, Mom, everyone is getting a room here at the Embassy Suites, all right?" "Sherman, Wilentz..." " it's not a big deal." " It is when your father doesn't help." "Mom..." "Bart got a room." " Bart got a room?" " Hi, can I help you?" "We need a room..." " For the 15th." "...for the 15th, please." " Single?" "Double?" " Single." "Single?" "Anyway, Bob's coming over tomorrow." "He's taking us out for a nice Italian, and then we're taking a walk on the beach." "The beach?" "With Bob?" "Honey, do you want your mom to have some financial stability in her life or not?" "All right, I'm going to be reading some of your journal entries and I'm not going to tell you who wrote them until the end, okay?" ""Lost in the ocean, the waves carry me free, the sea kelp caressing my sensitive bosom." "Take my fragile floating nakedness to the warmest blues." "Make me blush with your splashes, your crashes your flume, spume, your white bubbly breath, your sensitive touches." "Fill my every essence and I shall shiver with ecstasy, splashing forever upon your delicate face."" "Debbie Yang." "#Hallelujah!" "#" "Here's another one." ""This great big silence, like an empty void, like as if nothing ever mattered, like as if nobody ever cared." "Where could it go, the respect of two people who laughed all the time, who were forever a team?" "So unappreciated is the serenity before the fall, before the fierce winds of doubt come to call." "Often I feel alone, split in two, yearning for my family when my life is so new." Danny Stein." "#Hallelujah... #" "I don't understand." "After class she asked you to dinner" " from a journal entry?" " Well, no, I asked her to study first." "And then she asked you to dinner?" "With her whole family, so I mean..." "I think she felt bad for me or something." "I don't really know." " Amazing." "You need my car?" " Yeah, that'd be great." "And if you want to take her back here..." "No, she invited me to her place." "'Cause, you know, I want you to feel like this is your place." "Yeah, no, that's all right." "In fact, I'm getting you an extra set of keys in case you ever want to take a girl back here for whatever." "That's why I got a whole separate room." "Well, the walls are kind of thin though." " Thin?" " Well, I mean, you could probably hear everything in the other room." "No no no, these are good walls." "Well, you know, if you had a woman too," " it could just be kind of weird." " Well, if she were screaming, but I think it would be pretty quiet." "Or I could just take off, I could leave." "No, you shouldn't have to leave." "Well, go in the other room and let's see," " 'cause I want you to come by a lot." " In the other room?" "Yeah, close the door, make sounds like you're with someone and I'll sort of..." "All right?" "Well?" " You did it?" " Yeah." " All right." "No, I was talking." "Do it again." "Ah." "This time do it at different levels." "Ah." "Like start soft and then get... start soft and then go up." "Well, I did it twice already." " At different levels?" " Yeah." "All right, look." "I'm gonna call out one to 10 and I'll get louder each time." "My one will sound like this..." " ah." "All right?" " Yeah." "You tell me what number you hear me at." "All right, just make sure your numbers are even," " so it's like a control." " How do you mean?" "Announcer the number at an even volume." "Oh, good." "All right." " Can you hear me?" " Yeah." "All right, don't respond now." "Just hold out until I've completely finished." "One." "Ooh." "Two." "Oh." "Three." "Ooh." "Four." "Oh yeah." "Five." "Oh, that's it." "That's it." "Six." "Oh my God." "Oh my God, don't stop." "Seven." "Oh." "Oh my... oh." "Oh my." "Eight." "Don't stop." "Don't stop." "Don't stop." "Nine." "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "10." "Give it to me!" "Give it to me!" "Give it to me!" "Well, I showed the house three times last week." "I know things are a little..." "they're a little slow, but I'm sure after the open house we're gonna have some buyers." " Hi, it's so good to see you." " I know." "You just tell that adorable Maxipoo" " I send my love." " Your mom's over here." "Okay?" "All right." "Bye, darling." " Hi, honey." " Hey." "I can't have dinner with you tonight." "Why?" "What do you mean?" "It's Sunday..." " Japanese or Italian." " I can't." "I'm having dinner and studying for a trig test with a classmate, okay?" "Hi, Lola." "Which property?" "Did you see these?" "This is the third time this week he's sent me e-roses." "I will see you at 3:00, okay?" "All right, bye." "Mom, I've got to run, okay?" "We'll just take Dad's Wednesday next week." "Are you asking this study partner to the prom?" " Shh." " Oh, I guessed it." "Don't worry, I won't jinx it." "Who is she?" " You don't know her." " Do I know her family?" "I'm pretty sure no." "Eat." "Eat." "So, um..." "I'm not really good with these kinds of things." "I, uh..." "You need a date for the prom." "How did... yeah." "Yeah, I'll go with you." "You will?" "Are you serious?" " Really?" " I had a feeling you were gonna ask." " I think we'd have a good time." " Totally." "Totally." "Yeah yeah." "I do have to keep it a secret though, since my parents would never want me to go." "No, I totally understand, yeah." "We could sneak you out or something." "And this really isn't a big deal, but I do have this long-distance relationship, so we couldn't get intimate on the dance floor or anything..." "No, right, yeah, of course." "...'cause that could always get back to him." "In case people might see that and tell him, yeah, on the dance floor." "And I wouldn't want to take any pictures 'cause they could always get in the wrong hands." "I mean if he saw that..." "Yeah, right." "That's... well, even if you held the negatives and..." "And actually, in general," "I wouldn't want to be seen walking in together." "In fact, I'd rather not be seen walking around at all, just in case." "So, like..." "But, I mean, we could always meet up afterwards at some post-party in someone's room... 'cause I think Bart got a room." ""Danny, you're my best friend and I just think it would be so much fun if we went together to the prom."" ""Guess what's around the corner." "Prom." "The senior class is looking for suggestions for original party favors." "Past favors included candy baskets and pens." "Come to room 403 to cast your vote."" ""There's romance in the air." "Can you feel it?" "Don't wait till the night of prom to give your special someone a special treat." "Show her how much you really care with a Spring-gram."" "The way I see it, I think this Camille can be your decoy to get other women." "What do you think about that?" "Mom, I just saw a lizard in the house." "It's fine." "They eat ants." "It's fine." "Look." "See, look here." "Scott Cecil..." "he was nothing special." "Wow, you look different..." "your face." "Okay." "Anyway, Camille is your best friend, so..." "Hey hey hey," "I don't want to forget the gift I got Danny." " Hold on." " Why did he get me a gift?" "I don't know." "I think he's thinking about..." " Proposing?" " Shh." "Please, don't..." " Here." " Thank you." " What is it?" " Go ahead and open it." "I figured you needed one, so..." "Oh, isn't that thoughtful?" "Yeah, well, thank you." "I figured it would save you some money." "It'll save his father some money." "Okay, well, let's get going." "Bye, Danny." "Yeah, have a good time." "Hey, kid." "I didn't know if you had company or not." "No." "No no no no." "What's up?" "What if we're supposed to be happy with the middle ground?" "Just what if... now hear me out on this... what if we're supposed to find peace and a little boredom, you know?" "Maybe that's better than always having to search for something else." "I mean, really, what's wrong with a little boredom?" "Would you like some Cherry Garcia?" "I've got that, I've got Chubby Hubby." "Dad, are you listening?" "'Cause, like... what if you and mom just stuck it out, even if it was boring after a while?" "You guys would still be together, don't you think?" "I'm giving you Chubby Hubby." "It's got pretzels, all right?" "Yeah, but seriously, what's the deal?" "It's complex." "There was nothing keeping us together." "Look, every kid wishes their parents get back together, but it's not realistic." "We've moved on." "Anyway, I've decided I'm gonna ask Camille." "I figure we can always just hang out and play Boggle in the room after." "Boggle's good." "At least you get to go." "I never went." "She's my best friend." "I know at the very least we'll have fun." "Look, having a date is good." "Anyway, we don't have to pay for a bowtie now, so..." "How's that?" "No, well, Bob got me one." "What?" "This Bob guy got you a bowtie?" "I'm getting you a bowtie, thank you very much." "Yeah, well, he got me one, so now we don't have to get a cheap one." "No no no, I'm getting you a very nice bowtie." "What, this Bob guy is your father all of a sudden?" "Well, Mom thinks he might propose." "So I've got this new woman I'm excited about." " Oh yeah?" " Yeah, we're compatible." "She's not at all materialistic." "She's into camping." " That's cool." "Any kids?" " Two kids, both married." "Yeah, so..." "I haven't actually seen her yet, but she described herself to me, so, you know." " Does she sound nice?" " Yeah." "I haven't actually heard her yet." "This was on the internet." " Chat room?" " Mm-hmm." " Fast typer?" " Yeah, pretty fast." " Well, that's cool." " Yeah." "I'll see her in a couple of nights." "You know, she may turn out to be hideous, but at this point..." "you know." " All right, here we go." " Good, try it on." "Come with me." "Thanks for trying it on for us." "Hon, we've gotta get going." "We've got that court reserved at noon." "What time is the limo coming?" " 7:00." "Mrs. Goodson said she's gonna keep Camille at the house until I get there." "It's gonna be a big surprise." "I figure it'll at least keep some sort of special..." "I can't wait anymore." "I'm coming in." "Oh." "Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah." " Oh, you look really sharp." " You look so handsome." "Whoa." "Camille's gonna be so impressed." "Honey, why don't you go start the car" " and I'll be out in one second?" " Hey, listen." "You have a good time." "Enjoy it." "You deserve it." " Okay." " Thank you." "I think he's gonna propose tonight." " What?" "Are you serious?" " Yeah." " Are you gonna say yes?" " Look, he's financially secure, he's got a big heart and I'm 43." " 45." " 44." "And you hang it up so it doesn't wrinkle, your corsage is in the fridge." "When are you picking up Camille?" " 7:15." " Oh, gosh." "Have an amazing time." "She's your best friend." "You're gonna have fun." "Okay, have fun." " Craig." " What's up, dude?" "I was calling." "Your phone's off." " Yeah, I know." " Anyway," "I've decided I'm just gonna accept my fate." "Camille and I, we're gonna have a good time." "We will." "We'll get drunk, make fun of people..." "good, clean fun." "Anyway, I'm thinking that when the limo comes," "I can swing by hers first and surprise her." "We'll just come by and pick you and Abby up at 7:30, all right?" "Well, you can't do that now." " What do you mean?" " Well, you can't go with her now." "I'm going with her now." "Yeah, right." "You're going with Abby." "No, Abby can't go, so I asked Camille." "What do you mean she can't go?" "She got these bad sun blisters." " Sun blisters?" " Yeah, it hurts her to move." "So wait, I don't... you what?" " Sorry, I didn't realize..." " Are you serious?" " You asked Camille?" " You weren't gonna go with her." "And besides, I happen to think she's attractive, you know, in a quirky sort of way." "I'm sorry, dude, I didn't think you were gonna ask her." "Well, what about that nonrefundable deposit my mom put down on the limo?" "Well, we didn't talk about that for a while, so I just assumed you'd canceled it." "I'm sorry." "Listen, dude, I've gotta get ready." "This is a big night for me." " Hi, Danny." " Hi." " Did you get it?" " Huh?" "One two three." " Camille?" "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Sorry, Danny, I didn't know." "So you're going with Craig now?" "Yeah, he's gonna be by in half an hour." "We're going as friends." "That's great." "It's pretty much set, huh?" " I'm sorry." " No no no, I'm sorry." "I've got like $600 in this thing now between the limo, the tux, the corsage, the tickets and this hotel room I got." "You said you were going alone and I was going to surprise you." "I mean I wanted to..." "Oh, well..." "I've got a date now." "You said in your card you were gonna wait." "Well, Danny, did you expect me to wait for you like some puppet?" "Well, no, but I mean..." "Did you honestly think that if I was given the opportunity," "I wasn't going to take it, especially in response to your deceit?" "Deceit?" "What are you talking about?" "I was honest with you" " from the beginning." " Bullshit you were honest." "You told me you only had eyes for that stupid sophomore." "You just don't want to go with me." "No no, that's... no." "I actually wanted to go with you from the start." "Craig, he was brainwashing me." "He was..." "God, you're in control of your own life." "Look..." "I really have to go, okay?" "I know." "Anyway... you look really nice." "I guess..." "I mean..." "I just wish..." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." "Oh shit." "Minda, hey, it's Danny Stein." "Do you remember me?" "No, we met at that debate tournament and you were making fun of that coach, Miss Hoytz." "Yeah yeah, you thought it'd be hilarious if she named her kid Ash, 'cause then she'd have to go around saying" ""My Ash Hoytz."" "Francine, hi." "I was in "The Phantom Tollbooth"" "with you in the sixth grade." "I played the dodecahedron." "Hello?" "Jody, hey, yeah." "It's your cousin Danny." "I was wondering what you were doing tonight." "Oh, you are?" "What's Aunt Joy doing?" "Is she... oh, okay." "Well, I've gotta..." "I've gotta go." "Come on, Dad." "Pick up." "Come on." "# Some people say #" "# You look lovely #" "# Some say you need a chance in love #" "# I want to say to you... #" "Some of our chat sessions were just..." "I feel like we've had sex already." "Yeah, well, pretty much." "Just once I'd like to live out the fantasies without a computer." "Like, personally," "I've always wanted to lead a guy into the forest after a light drizzle, just rip off each other's clothes." "You would be on top and my bare body, rubbing up against the moist, slippery soil." "And there would be like a layer of damp leaves." "And as we hold each other tight, pumping away, back and forth, back and forth, the leaves would be sticking all over my naked body." "You have a phone call." " Your phone, it's vibrating." " Oh oh oh." "I'm sorry, I really should take this." "It's my son here." "What's up?" "Dad, I've been calling you for the last 15 minutes." " I'm in the middle of dinner." " No, I know." " This woman is fantastic." " Dad, listen." "For once I feel like I'm making a connection here." "Dad, listen to me." " What?" " I'm a loser." "You're not a loser." "What are you talking about?" "Dad, just face it, all right?" "Why, 'cause you're going with Camille?" "I'm not going with Camille now." "Craig's going with Camille." "The thing's in an hour." "I've got the chauffeur here." "I don't have a car." "I'm not gonna show up in a limo by myself." "Will you..." "calm down, will you?" "Why is she going with Craig?" "Hasn't he had that same girlfriend since third grade?" "No, she got these bad sun blisters." " Sun blisters." " Dad, my whole world's caving in and it's 'cause the entire senior class has managed to get dates now." "And they all have rooms, too, the whole class..." "Sherman, Buchwald." "Dad, Bart got a room." "Bart got a room?" "Let me see what I can do." "Hold on." "God, I feel terrible, but it's an emergency." "No no, don't worry if it's an emergency." "God, of course." "It's my kid, but I really want to make this up to you." "Could we get together again, like, tomorrow?" " Is he hurt?" " No." "Actually, it's the senior prom." "I've got to help find him a date." " You're kidding, right?" " No." "It's just that he's counting on me." "Well, could you at least drive me home?" "Um, sorry, you're gonna have to take a cab." "Excuse me." "Sorry sorry." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Kill him." "I'm gonna kill him." "I'm gonna kill him." "You know?" "Because I've always wanted to go with Betsy McMullen and that was... see, that was the problem from the start." "Betsy." "Yeah, Dad?" "All right, break down the necessities here:" "One, somewhere near the Bonaventure, right?" "There's gotta be lots of women around there." "Two, they've got to be dressed nice." "That's gotta be important." "Now look for women who could be dressed for a prom, which means what?" "We need someone in formal wear." "Coming through." "Coming through." "Excuse me." "Yeah, what have you got?" " Brown hair, brown eyes." "How old?" "I don't know." "12, could pass for 13, 14." "No." "No no." "Dad, that's too young." "All right, all right." "I've got a five-footer, big hair, lots of makeup." " How old?" " Maybe 35." " 35?" " All right." "Calm down, calm down." "Don't panic, just..." "Jesus." "Are you a cop, honey?" "Uh, no, I..." "no, I'm here for my kid." " How much you got?" " Oh, yeah, I..." "Okay." "So how old's your kid?" "He's 17... 18, he's 18." "Just turned, actually." "What, is it his birthday or something?" "Uh, no." "Okay, she's gonna meet you at the front entrance." "Don't ask any questions." "Um, how..." "how do I know that you're not... because, you know, that could be awkward." "What does that feel like?" "Okay, that's it." "Stein?" " Tickets, please." " Yeah." "Oh." "That's all right." "I know you've got 'em." "Wait a second." "What is this?" "It's the, um... it's the prom." " I don't do proms." " What do you mean you don't do proms?" "I just don't do proms, honey." "Wha..." "Okay, big smile." "Pose for a second." "At the count of three look at right here, please." "Ready?" "One, two and three." "One more time." "Big smile." "Yeah, there you go." "That's it." "Turn closer, a little more to me." "That's it." "Big smile." "Thank you." "Next." "A big smile." "Thank you." "Next." "# Oh oh!" "#" "Danny." "Bart." "Did you hear what happened?" "What?" "They overbooked the hotel." "I didn't get a room." "No?" "I got a suite." " What happened?" " Doesn't do proms." " Can I buy you a drink?" " Yeah, all right." " What are you having?" " A vodka tonic." " Do you want a vodka tonic?" " Yeah, sure." " Hey, how's it going?" " Fuck you." " Not a good sign." " Yeah, not so good." "Well, look at it this way... it can't get any worse." "Okay, well, actually..." "Mom." " What's going on?" " What are you doing here?" " What's he doing here?" " Hello, Beth." "Ernie." "I drove over 'cause you left the tickets at the house." " Yeah, I left them." " I was worried you wouldn't get in." " Thanks." " I was... wait, where's Camille?" "She went with Craig." " With Craig?" "Are you serious?" "What happened to his girlfriend?" "She had these bad sun blisters." "Sun blisters, and so..." " Dad was helping me find a date." " Just now?" " Yup." " And you got dressed up to do that?" "No, I was on my own date." "He left her to help me." " And you helped him?" " Uh, yes." " We found a nice, lovely..." " Yeah, she was..." "Where'd you find her?" " Oh, a couple... a couple..." " Yeah, she was..." " Well, where is she?" "Doesn't do proms." "Well, then... well, then you're not gonna go at all?" " No." " Oh." "Oh!" "Oh, this was supposed to be the highlight..." " this was gonna be..." " Whatever." "Hey, would you like a drink?" "Yeah, all right." "Can I get a Harvey Wallbanger for my ex-wife?" " Right?" "Harvey Wallbanger?" " Right." "Thank you." "Hey, doesn't Danny look handsome?" "Oh, are you kidding me?" "He's adorable." " You like the tux I got him?" " It's nice." "I see you got him a tie too." "Yeah, well, you know, I didn't want..." "Thank you." "So did this guy propose or what?" " I think he was about to." "Who is he?" " How... how would you..." " No." " He's a nice guy." " Yes." "Uh-huh." "And you?" "How's..." " Met a woman tonight... interesting." " I'm sorry to screw that up." "Hey, you couldn't have known this was all gonna happen." " No, this was out of your control." " This was not his fault." "He was a victim of circumstances." "I think you should've been more aggressive with that sophomore." "God, you're in control of your own life." "You're gonna have a great picture." " Leave him alone." "He's working on it." " What is it that you want?" "Every kid wishes their parents would get back together, but it's not realistic." ""This moment forever."" "You didn't think she was cute?" "Yeah, but she's ditzy and Danny doesn't do well with ditzy." "Hold on." "Wait, I'll..." "I'll be... don't go anywhere." "I'll be right back." " Hmm." " Hmm." "Come on, come on." "Hey." "How's your night?" "You know, it's actually a lot of fun spending a night like this by yourself." "You don't have to share it with anybody." " Seriously." "This is nothing to argue..." " we can hang out tomorrow." " It's not too bad." " Come on." " This is... what?" "No no no no." "You need to go home and get some sleep." "I'm sorry." "What, so you can spend your prom with her?" " Are you gonna forgive me?" "What was I supposed to do, stay home?" "I didn't get any sun blisters." "Did you ever even consider my feelings about this?" "I'm sorry." "I'm not going home with you right now." " I've got to take this suit back..." " Okay." "...in the morning." "Do you realize that?" "I have to be up at 6:00 in the morning and take this stupid thing..." "what are you doing?" " I've got to show you something." " Where are we going?" "To the bar." "My parents are there." "What are your parents doing at the bar?" " Moral support, I guess." "One more time." "Next." "...water in the sink." "I can see it..." "No." "You see the..." "Camille." " Hi." " How's it going?" "Good good." "Just trying to get through this alive, I guess." "I just wanted to let you guys know I've got Camille with me now, so we're gonna go in there and have fun." " That's... go." "Go for it." " Oh, that's great." "Are you guys gonna..." "you know?" "Oh, I'm probably gonna take off." "I've got to get back to..." "listen, it was so good to see you." "It was good to see you and I'll see you at graduation." "Graduation." "Yes, we'll see you then." "It might be kind of weird, but do you guys want to come in?" " Oh, no." " Oh, no." " I'm not going into the prom." " Besides, the kids don't want" " to see the parents." " No, honey, tonight is your night." "You need to go in there and celebrate with everybody." "Yeah, you're right..." "I should, and I know exactly where we're going." "Eins, zwei, drei." "Oh, I don't think we're allowed to be in here, Danny." "And so this is how I spent my night." "Nothing like what I had hoped for, but somehow better." "Somehow just the way it should've been." "Did I look even remotely cool?" "Probably not, but..." "I spent my prom night with the three people I love the most." "And after we danced the "Electric Slide,"" "after the four of us played a drunker game of Boggle in my hotel room, just before I fell asleep next to my oldest friend on the single bed," "I finally had this moment of clarity." "We can't choose our memories." "The best ones just happen." "So what's the point of trying to create the perfect moment when the perfect moment is right now?"