"How's he gonna improve when you always stick him on the bench?" "I don't always stick him on the bench." "Not once have you made him a starting player." "And he's got the qualities to start." "He was a J.V. powerhouse." "This isn't J.V. No offense, ma'am, but Lamar is a sophomore." "I think he's got a great shot but" "His brother was the same way." "You didn't want him to start either and then I had to nag and nag you and then you did." "If he hadn't broken his leg" "Ma'am, excuse me but we're gonna have to continue this conversation at a later date." "Thanks for your interest." "Need some help?" "No, not really." "I know how to do it." "Thanks though." "I mean..." "Not unless you're some sort of expert." "I'm not an expert, but I'd be glad to help you." "No fun to be changing a tire out in the rain, right?" "Do you like rescuing damsels in distress?" "This is my first time." "Hmm." "So why'd you stop?" "If you were some fat-ass truck driver" "I might have kept driving." "I think there's a compliment deep in there somewhere." "Yeah." "Yeah, there probably is." "Okay." "You hungry?" "There's a little cafe up the road." "You want to get some lunch?" "Oh God!" "She didn't like it." "What do you mean?" "She didn't like it so much." "What?" "You know what this is?" "This is like when you go to a restaurant, you eat a meal and then you pretend there's a hair in the food." "Can't hit a home run every time." "Nobody else complained." "They think I've done a fucking excellent job." "Would you just try to understand the customer?" "The customer is always first." "Lenore said this woman has had a string" " of really bad relationships." " So?" "So what happened was more of a male fantasy and what she wanted was more of a female fantasy." "More female?" "Yeah, well, that's the way it goes." "She's only our third customer." "I thought I was supposed to fuck her." "Next time make her feel like it's more about her mind, not just her body." "She wants to book me again?" "Yeah, she wants a rewrite." "She'll pay for it." "You mean a do-over?" "You need any help?" "Not really." "I mean, unless you're an expert." "You know, I realize" "I don't even know your name." "Jemma." "Yours?" " Randall." " Randall." "And do you have a career or a job?" " I'm gonna guess a career." " Yeah, that's right, a career." "What kind of career?" "I'm a book editor." "Really?" "I was a comparative lit major." "What kind of books?" "Good books." "I" "I go for quality." "I don't give a shit if it's a bestseller." "I go for the kind of arty books that move readers." "That's great, Randall." "I really" "I really admire people like you." "I'm a total sellout." "I work for an ad department." "But, you know, at least I get to meet people like you who follow their dreams." "Do you want to go to a movie sometime?" "Um..." "Thank you." "Part of me would love to, but I do have a boyfriend." " A boyfriend?" " Yeah." "I should go meet him now." "What do you mean, like now?" "Yeah, actually it is now." "I'm sorry." "It's" "It was so great to meet you." "Yeah." "Thanks for fixing my flat." "That was sweet." "My pleasure." "She said she has a boyfriend." "He probably doesn't exist." "Don't you get it?" "She has a bruised heart." "At least that's what she said in the interview." " Men have let her down." " Women have let me down." "But we're not talking about you." "You're not paying." "Look, she said she wanted to meet you by the side of the road." "But my guess is she was looking for a connection," "At least for a few moments" "The fantasy of meeting a total stranger" "And wondering if it might be..." "Destiny." "God, you were supposed to stop her from leaving, Ray." "Barf." "Could you stop snorting with derision?" "Fine, I'll pretend I'm madly in love with this freak." "You might not get another chance." "She might not call again." "Okay, fine." "It's no skin off our back." "We'll find somebody else." "We don't have anyone else yet." "And Jemma pays great." "That was the thing about Jemma." "She paid great." "Why did Ronnie choose this place?" "It's really dingy." "What's wrong with a delicious buffet?" "That's not crab." "It's imitation crab." "I prefer it." "It's cleaner and healthier." "It's safer for the environment." "Is the shrimp real?" "There's no such thing as fake shrimp, Darb." "Just eat it, you'll like it." "Mom, even the Hush Puppies suck." " Is something wrong?" " Nothing, Ron." "Just blah blah blah from the peanut gallery." "That's a swan." "Here's the thing, kids-- We're not made of money anymore." "Oh, it's not that big of a deal." "It just means that sometimes we eat at the steakhouse, and other times at the $3.99 buffet." " We shake it up a little." " No more luxuries." "That's what we're trying to say." "Just the most important luxuries, the ones that really matter, those we keep." "So you're not rich anymore?" "Correct." "Come on, Ronnie." "We're still rich." "We're just not as rich." "The point is, we don't feel as rich." "Not super rich like before." "But you still have some money?" "We've lost a lot of money in the stock market." "Times are tough." "We just happened to land in the danger zone." "We don't have to call it the danger zone." "It's a temporary setback." "Besides, all that money was on paper anyway." " So it's all in your mind?" " I wish." "Which brings us to the car." "It's not that I wanted to compete with Jessica or benefit from her misfortune, but I had a little extra money for once." "Not a whole lot, but enough to hire a couple of guys to help me out and for a couple of quality T-bone steaks." "20 bucks each and I didn't give a crap." "Damn straight." " Darby, darling." " Thank you." "Go on, tell us how it is, Darb." " All right, Damon." " Thank you." "Here you go, pal." "All right, how's the steak?" " Cooked 'em pretty good, huh?" " It's good, Dad." "So..." "Ronnie lost a lot of money, huh?" "That's what he says." "Boy, your mom must be real disappointed." "Yeah." "Ronnie was a real rock." "Who would have guessed?" "Yeah, well, he's not gonna buy us a car anymore." "What do you care?" "Why don't you just get hammer to drive you around?" "Damon, why are you so up his butt?" "So when the kids brought up the car thing," "I don't know, maybe it was the divorce or maybe I was just a jackass," "I felt bold." "The twins were turning 16." "You know, just 'cause Ronnie can't buy you a car doesn't mean I can't." "We've got to up our game, Tanya." "If she doesn't love it next time, I'll do her for free." "Now that I know what she wants, I'll deliver." "Satisfaction guaranteed." "I don't think you're capable of understanding her." "Jemma strikes me as highly complex." "I just promised my kids a car." "You just leave all that highly complex stuff to me." "This is my version of a preacher cookie." "Preacher cookies get their name from the idea that if a preacher knocks on your door unexpectedly you can cook these up in a few minutes." "And my inspiration was to put a little piece of psalm inside each one." "Maybe to attract "a church market."" "Well, it certainly is generous of Tanya to host our gathering and bake us a sample, isn't it?" "Does anyone else have a final prototype they'd like to share?" "All right, well, if you'd like to email me," "I'm always available for commentary." "And even though our class is officially ending, perhaps some of you are ready for the next step." "That's right, if you are ready to believe in yourself and your abilities on a whole new level, it's time to sign up for" ""How to Become a Millionaire, Part Two."" "Now who's ready to take that step?" "Who has the courage?" "Raise your hand if you want an application." "When you've been in the business of money creation for as long as I have, Tanya, nothing is surprising." "Some people don't have mental fortitude." "It's as if their brain has polio." "They're trapped in an iron lung of the mind, see?" "They can't become millionaires." "They can't get a fancy car like I have." "Because essentially they can't make the leap upstairs mentally." "I think most people wanted to take part two but they couldn't afford it." "Why don't I have more students like you?" "What makes you so different, Tanya Skagle?" "Why don't you ask my mother?" "Touché." "Now, do you have your checkbook?" "My checkbook?" "Yeah, I recommend you go ahead and secure your space." "Sometimes, part two in particular, can fill up like a flash flood." "My only hesitation is I was thinking that I might want to take part two next time." "Well, why ever would you do that?" "I want to sign up, it's just the class isn't cheap, right?" "Well, then why did you say, "Count me in"?" "I was trying to be supportive." "Well, swell." "Um..." "That'll be great." "Yeah." "It's not what I recommend, but..." "You can lead a horse to water, that sort of thing." "Is your Jaguar a rental?" "Need any help?" "I don't give a rat's ass if it's a bestseller, you know?" "That's just how I like to roll with the books in my area." "Well, that's beautiful, Randall." "I really admire people like you." "You want to go to a movie sometime?" "Um..." "A part of me would love to, but I have a fiancé." "I should go meet him." "Hey, can't he wait, this fiancé of yours?" "No, he gets cranky if I'm late." "You know, maybe I'm mistaken, but I think you'd have a lot more fun if you stayed here." " Fun?" " Yeah." "You know, we-- we..." "Could have a great time together." "What are you trying to say exactly?" "That, uh, we" "We would have fun." "Wait a second." "Would you hold on now?" "I sounded like an asshole, okay?" "It came out 100% wrong." "But I'm not an asshole." " Just listen." " You're rude." "What could you possibly have to say that I would want to hear?" "I just..." "What, are you gonna make another inappropriate pass at me?" "No, not a pass." "I just" "I just wish that..." "In some crazy long shot version of this universe, that you would stay here with me and not vanish from existence from my life." "But, Randall, I have a boyfriend." "No, I respect that." "And I respectfully don't care." "I mean, shit, Jemma," " don't you feel it?" " Feel what?" "Destiny." "Principal Rhonda Barr." "My whole life I had bad timing." "So he takes away money but you still have to give him sex?" "I like having sex with Ron." "It's not a trade." "Look at him." "As peaceful as a baby." "If he really lost this money, he'd be stabbing his heart with a knife." "Hey, what are you guys talking about in there?" "Oh, uh, nothing." "Just making your lemonade." "At least Ray was honest." "You hated Ray." "And now you're after Ron?" "These problems aren't his fault, Mom." "Everybody in America is having to cut back a little bit." "If you choose to be blind, what can I do?" "Uh, mom, Doris smells." "Oh, Doris." "I got you." "I got you beat." " Nice." " Mmm." "Oh, last call for strawberries." "Oh, no thanks." "All yours." "Chocolate?" "Mmm." "I love a man who's got good taste in chocolate." "That's me." "I'm a chocolate connoisseur." "Is it my imagination, or are you perfect in every way?" "Oh no." "I'm flawed." "Trust me." " Like how?" " Well..." "Sometimes when I take my shoes off," "Whoo, babe, you don't want to go there." "I don't." "I don't want to go there." "No, don't do it." "I think I might..." "Just fall in love with you." "What do you think?" "That's so nice." "Mmm." "Hold on a sec." "Yeah?" "When Jemma says she might just fall in love with you, you say I love you too." "Are you fucking kidding me?" "We don't have time to dissect this." "Do you want to get your kids that car?" "Hi." "You know..." "When you said..." "You might just-  fall in love with you?" " Right." "Well..." "I'm..." "I'm loving you too." " Do you?" " Oh yeah." "I love you." " I love you." " Do you?" "I said I love you." "I really mean it." "I love you." "Then why don't I believe you?" "Jemma, please." "Excuse me, but this is" "This is crazy." "Why is so hard for you to say I love you?" "Why do you want me to say it so bad?" "Look, I just can't help but wonder why you'd want to ruin such a perfectly beautiful moment on a perfectly beautiful beach with all this fucked up artificial shit." "I mean, what am I, a goddamn dancing monkey here?" "Okay, that didn't go so well." "You want a do-over?" "Will she come out of the coma?" "She could." "It's hard to say." "We can put Doris on liquids" "Or we can let nature take its course." "There's no wrong decision." "What do you think?" "What should we do?" "We don't want to see her with all those drugs and tubes, do we?" "No, we don't." "She lived a good life" "And she was loved." "But, Ron," "I'm really starting to bond with the kids." "And I really really think it's because of Doris." "Puppies are born, old dogs die." "It's all part of growing up." "Ron, I need this." "We're gonna do the right thing, Jess." "Okay." "Okay." "Let's put her down." "The Greeks give us the height of art and philosophy." "The Romans establish modern law and government." "And then somehow, all that enviable accomplishment is destroyed" " in such a short... hang on just a second." " All right?" "What are you doing here?" "Would you not be so paranoid?" "I used to teach these kids poetry." "Here." "I finally got ahold of her." "She paid in full." " She paid me?" " Yeah, she didn't want to stiff you." "Bummer, right?" "She would have made a great repeat customer." "You think maybe I should call her?" "Don't." "I think this woman's impossible to please." "See, it's that "I love you" stuff." "" " I didn't see it coming." "See?" "She threw me off my game." "It's over." "Don't worry, we'll get you somebody else." "Here it is." "I was listening to it last night when I was falling asleep." "I really think this is going to help me with my leadership skills." "Yeah, it's the best, all right." "Thank you for lending it to me." "No problem." "Oh hey, do you also have my handout around somewhere?" "Handout?" "Oh, you mean the list of inspirational quotations?" "I thought you wanted me to keep that." "I did." "But I thought I'd get it back." " Okay." " If possible." "Um, maybe..." "Floyd, is everything okay?" "I'm perfectly fine." "Do you want to sit down?" "I could make us some tea." "I'll sit for a moment." "No thank you on the tea." "All right, what you might be sensing, Tanya," "Is I think it might be time for us to have the talk." "What talk?" "The one about expectations." "I don't want you to get your hopes up just to see them dashed." "I'm not looking for anything serious." " I'm a bachelor." " What?" "Now we can be friends, sure." "But I cannot muddy the water." "I never asked you to muddy the water." "All right, I do not like drama." "I always feel it's best to clearly state my intention." "I only went on a date with you to be nice." "It was my New Year's Resolution." "I'm just not attracted to you, Tanya." "Do you think I was attracted to you?" " I'm sorry." " My god, you're 100 years old." "Tanya, I didn't say you were an ugly woman." " You're just not my type." "I can't help that." " Fuck you!" "Fuck you!" "However, I'd be happy to continue to counsel you." "If you want to give me a call." " Get out!" "Fuck you!" " This is not productive." "Oh my god, a creepy motivational speaker." " Fuck you." "" "Honey." "We did the best thing." "And we did a brave thing." "And the least expensive thing." "Honey, we all loved Doris." "I'm not in the mood." "Why not?" "I don't know, Ron." "Maybe it's the economy." " Hello?" " Hello, Mom." "Are you in the hospital?" "No, Mom," "I'm just feeling a little lonely." "Sweetheart, don't call me so late if you're not in the hospital." "It's 8:30." "I'm no good after 7:00." "Is it an emergency?" "This is Ray." "I lost my old phone in the fire, so make sure and leave your number." "Ray?" "Where are you?" "So why should I let you in?" "You probably shouldn't." "Tanya says you're impossible to please." "She didn't even know I called you." "Well, if you think I'm just some kind of weirdo," "Then why did you?" " The money." " Oh." "Hey, I'm just being honest." "I know you'll probably just end up all unhappy again." "That's supposed to inspire me?" "But maybe you won't." "Look, before you, I was batting 1000." "You're my first out." "It's my job to make you happy." "That's why they call me a happiness consultant." "I think I could make you happy." "What do you say?"