"(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)" "(ALL SINGING ALONG)" "(EXPLOSION)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "That was a bomb." "(PHONE LINES RINGING)" "(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)" "KIM:" "No word as to whether it was an IED or a specific car bomb." "Over 10 fatalities reported." "Sources within ISAF suggest that ISI may be involved." "Did these phones just go down or did that fucker hang up on me?" "(GRUNTS)" "Good thing that X was bodgy or I'd be flying right now!" "(PEOPLE CLAMORING)" "KIM:" "I can't hear you, honey." "I need to talk to Ed Faber." "(MAN COUGHING)" "Well, then who is fronting the show?" "I can't hear you!" "Hey, that's my ass!" " Do you have a mother?" " (SPEAKING DARI)" "Don't put your ass on my hand!" "Shut up, donkey pussy!" "Whore!" "Dog-washer!" "My cock in your ear!" "My cock in your ear!" "I shit on your lips!" "Eat a fart!" "Hello!" "Fu..." "ED:" "Listen up." "Iraq Two is happening." "The network is stretched thin." "All our talent is going there." "We need people, any people, to fill the void in Afghanistan." "And you folks here are all the unmarried, childless personnel in this bureau." "(WOMAN SOBBING)" "For those of you who are behind the scenes, there are opportunities to be on camera." "Kim, are you going to be joining in?" "The travel or the crying?" "ED:" "Um, hopefully, the travel." "I'll think about it." "TANYA: (ON TV) The success of Operation Mongoose has overshadowed the real lesson to be learned, that the Taliban are far from vanquished." "And as the drums of war beat ever louder in Iraq, the NATO mission in Afghanistan grows increasingly uncertain." "(PANTING)" "Tanya Vanderpoel, outside Lashkar Gah, Afghanistan," " VBC World News." " (PHONE RINGING)" "CHRIS: (ON PHONE) Hey." "KIM:" "I got you!" "Hey." "Uh, when do you get back from Houston?" "CHRIS:" "I think on Tuesday." "Why?" "Uh, because I'm going to Afghanistan on Tuesday." "CHRIS:" "You're going to Afghanistan on Tuesday?" "Yeah." "CHRIS:" "But you write news copy." "Wait." "For how long?" " Like, three months." " CHRIS:" "What?" "CHRIS:" "Kim!" "KIM:" "Hey!" "I can't believe this worked out!" "(KIM LAUGHS)" "Hey, you want to have a quickie on the changing table in the bathroom?" "Yeah, I don't think I could get it up with that little koala looking at me." "(CHUCKLES)" "Also, they're boarding already." "Hey, don't worry." "Just go." "Go, go, go." "Oh, shoot, I..." "I copied a key for you, so..." "Plants, mail." " Anything else I'm forgetting?" " I think that's it." "This is crazy." "Listen, I think it's impressive." " Starting a new career?" " (WHIMPERS)" " It's gonna be great." " (CHUCKLES)" "And listen, in three months... (MIMICKING SCHWARZENEGGER) "I'll be back."" "No, that's terrible!" "No." "Don't remember me like that." "No." "Bye." "Okay." "Okay." "It's not my job." "I'm a producer." "General news." "Enron." "These coalminers in Pennsylvania, but you probably didn't see that." "'Cause we got two wars going on now, so, uh, I know how to set up a BGAN and no one will sue if I die so I got an expedited visa, like, two days ago," "and I guess now I'm a war reporter." "(PASSENGERS GROANING)" "Shit dick!" "Corkscrew landing." "(LAUGHING) In case a missile is fired at the aircraft!" "(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA)" "Kabul International Airport." "K. I.A.! "Killed In Action." (LAUGHS)" "PILOT: (OVER PA) Once again, we thank you for flying with us." "KIM:" "Sorry." "Uh, sorry." "Shit." "(TAXI DRIVERS CLAMORING)" "No, thank you." "No, thank you." "MAN:" "Miss Baker?" "I am Fahim." "Oh, Fahim, hi!" "Pleased to meet you." "The car is over here and we go." "(YELLING IN DARI)" "Cover your head, shameless whore!" "She says, uh... "Welcome to Afghanistan."" "Okay, let's go." "Here is your local mobile." "The number is on the back." "Yeah, I ordered some money last week." "Still in the post." " I'll fix you up next week." " Okay." "(COUGHS)" "Yes, the air here takes some getting used to." "It's quite polluted with feces." "NIC:" "Ah, here she is!" "How are you, Kim?" "Welcome to the Stan." "My name's Nic." "I'll be doing your security." "I'll take your bag." "Fahim." "The police are giving me shit for parking here." "They just want money." "Wait, oh, no." "Um, do you need money?" "Because the network gave me money." "NIC:" "No, keep that on you!" "FAHIM:" "No, no, no!" "Kim, please!" "(INDISTINCT YELLING)" "Piss off, that's it!" "That's it!" "Hey!" "Hey!" " I'm sorry." "Sorry." " NIC:" "Piss off!" "Remember that we are at altitude here, so drink plenty of water while you acclimatize." "Where did you learn English?" "At medical school." "I was a doctor." "NIC:" "Listen, rest up tonight." "Tomorrow, I'll drive you to the base for your embed." "And just one bag, but make sure you pack extra socks and knickers." "That's like, um, it's like "panties," yeah?" "(CHUCKLES) Mmm-hmm." "So, you've been embedded before, then?" "Not really." "We all did hostile-zone training in 2001." "They taught us to open our mouths if we get mortared..." " That kind of stuff." " (GRUNTS)" "NIC:" "Okay." "G'day, Qadar." "(SPEAKING DARI)" "FAHIM:" "The feces smell all the way to here." "(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)" "Your room, Kim, is upstairs." "(CONVERSING IN DARI)" "NIC:" "Yeah, they're bloody addicted." "That one melted a laptop downloading porno." " (SCOFFS)" " Jaweed, yes, he likes to watch men with donkeys." " Hi." " Hi." "It's unfortunate." "Kim, this is Tall Brian." "Brian Hooper." "Tall Brian." " Hi." " I'm your shooter." "So, is there another Brian around here somewhere that you're taller than?" "Short Brian." "Works for Reuters." "Couldn't one of you just be "Brian"?" "Fair enough." "Didn't think of that." "Also Short Brian's dead." " Oh, fuck." "Really?" " TALL BRIAN:" "Yes." "Anyway, welcome to the Fun House." "(WOMAN MOANING)" "Home sweet home." "FAHIM:" "This is your room." "Is there a shower?" "(DISTANT GUNFIRE)" "ANCHORMAN: (ON TV) A nation accustomed to war once again seeks a return to normality." "And nothing symbolizes that effort more than this place, the Kabul Zoo." " No, he didn't." "The zoo?" " (MAN SCOFFING)" "Go back to Wapping." "You fucking tourist!" "Uh, shit." "Sorry." "I'm trying to find the shower?" "You're the new girl." "Oh, my God." "Uh..." "Kim Baker." "Just got here from New York." "I'm Tanya." "Oh, my God, it's so nice to have another woman in the house!" "I love that lippy color." "What is that?" "No, they're just really chapped." "Oh, you poor thing." "Can I get you anything?" "I'm sorry, I'm freaking out because I saw your special about your embed in Korengal, and it was amazing." "Thank you." "That's so sweet." " Where's the shower?" " Yes." "This way." "Can I ask a favor, Kim?" " And absolutely feel free to say no." " Yeah, sure." "I hate to even bring it up." " I feel so rude even asking this." " No, it's fine." "Can I fuck your security guys?" "What?" "Oh." "By all means, yeah." "Yeah?" "I mean, I wouldn't ask, it's just that for some reason, the VBC use an American contractor and, I mean, no offense, but they're all, like, goatees and "fat-strong."" "You know?" "But the Aussies and Kiwis are so hot." "Right." "I get it." "Be my guest." "You sure?" "Don't just say that to be polite." "No, I wouldn't." "I'm not." "Even Nic?" "You don't want Nic for yourself?" "(LAUGHS) Nic?" "No." "I don't." "No." "That's..." "No, that would never happen." "So you're good." "Hey!" "No, Kim, don't say that." "You could have Nic." "In Afghanistan, you're a serious piece of ass." "Thank you." "That's nice." "Because you're what, I mean, you're like, a seven, a six or seven in New York?" "Here, you're a nine." "Borderline ten." "It's called "Kabul Cute."" "What are you here, like a 15?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Yeah." "Huh." "The thing is, I have a very serious boyfriend at home, so, you're good." "All right, well, come talk to me in two months when your pussy's eating your leg." "Shower's that way." "(KIM SIGHING)" "(DOGS WHINING)" "CHRIS:" "How you doing?" "It's bananas here." "It's, um..." "My nose is running." "There's shit in the air, literally. (SNIFFLES)" "And" "I don't think I can do this." "CHRIS:" "Do what?" "Kim?" "I don't think I can do this." "Can you see..." "I don't..." "Hello?" "Shit." "(SIGHS)" "I'm sorry, Colonel, I can't accept gifts as a journalist." "Okay." "So lodging, transport, chow and protection, that's all you can accept?" "KIM:" "I'll do my best to stay objective." "I don't care if you can do your job." "I care if my men can." "Are you familiar with the term "four-ten-four", Miss Baker?" "I am not, Colonel." "It refers to women who are fours back home become tens when they ship out and when they're back stateside, they become fours again." "Are you saying I'm a four?" "I'm saying you carry an orange fucking backpack." "I've seen people with actual experience make bad decisions here." "So while you're outside the wire with my men, you will in no way distract them, understood?" "Are you asking me not to sleep with your soldiers?" "No, not "soldiers." Marines." "You're not here to sleep with or perform jobs of any type on my Marines." "Clear copy, Miss Baker?" " Copy that." " Good." "We'll get you out to a FOB as soon as we find a ride for you." "In the meantime, Captain Stern here will see to it that you get a wet hootch." "A what?" "It's a tent with a shower." "Unless you'd prefer a dry hootch." "I would not, sir." "(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)" "(INDISTINCT YELLING)" " (PAPER FLUTTERING)" " KIM:" "Sorry." "Could you just... (CLEARS THROAT) State your name and rank?" "Gunnery Sergeant Clinton J. Hurd." "All right." "Uh..." "Dang it!" "So, do you believe the Afghani people are happy about our presence here?" "No, Afghans are the people." "(CHUCKLING) Afghanis is the currency." "KIM:" "That's right." "I knew that." "Thank you." "What do you believe your mission to be here?" "Ma'am, you got a sticker on your pants." "It's bugging the shit out of me." "Ma'am..." " (RIPPING STICKER)" " Fahim." "What inspired you to enlist originally?" "I'm a big fan of the movie Predator with Arnold Schwarzenegger." "We're the same height." "Do you think the war in Iraq has affected your resources here?" "I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm not authorized to answer that question." "I'd say we're both on the wrong side of Persia, ma'am." "Iraq is where you get some right now." "Here just has shit all." "Are you guys getting outside the wire much?" "Yes, ma'am." "Most days." "Uh..." "You know, we help out with community projects and all." "And wells." "Uh..." "And sometimes at night we shoot the big gun," " but, you know, it's quiet here." " Jesus!" "We don't wear IBAs on the FOB." "I don't even chamber a round in my weapon anymore, because, you know, I figure accidental discharge is scarier than the Taliban." "With Iraq, do you feel like people have forgotten about Afghanistan?" "Oh, well..." "Yes, ma'am." "I'd say that surely is the word for it." "This here's a forgotten war." "It's capital F, capital W." "What's your, uh..." "Your name and rank?" "I'm Lance Corporal Coughlin, India Company 3-5." "Thank you." "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Kim." "Your hair." " Thanks, Fahim." " Mmm-hmm." "You really are a fixer." "(SIGHS)" "Moon's out." "Hmm." "It's beautiful." "(INDISTINCT YELLING IN DISTANCE)" "(TALL BRIAN SPEAKING DARI)" "Suck my dick!" "(TALL BRIAN BLOWING)" "What does that mean?" " It means, "Oh, what a terrible event!"" " Uh-huh." "CAPT." "STERN:" "Miss Baker." "Colonel Hollanek is coming to Norton tomorrow to check on some of our PRT work." "And you and your crew are clear to tag along." " Great, thanks." " Rolls out at zero-six." " That's 6:00 a.m." " I know that, yeah." " MARINE:" "Fire!" " (EXPLODING)" "SGT." "HURD:" "Come on, let's go!" "Get this shit together!" "We gotta move!" "Fucking hands out of your pockets!" "You think you're in the fucking Army?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "What is this?" "Uh, that's my supplies." "Camera stuff." "You fucking kidding me?" "This is an orange ruck." "No, ma'am." "Not on my vehicle." "The girl at the North Face store said it was, like, military grade." "Well, where are you gonna hide it?" "Inside a fucking sunset?" "I mean, even the Dutch Army don't wear orange." "Fix it." "How do I fix it?" "SGT." "HURD:" "Rapono!" "(MEN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" "(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "Got to stay hydrated, ma'am." "Coughlin." "I didn't recognize you." "That's 'cause I'm in warrior mode." "It makes me taller. (LAUGHS)" "Enjoy the ride, ma'am." "(BRAYING)" "(CHILDREN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" "HOLLANEK:" "I'm dying to know who blew up my well." "Working on it, Colonel." "That was a nice fucking well, Corporal." "(MAN SPEAKING DARI)" "What'd he say?" "(CONVERSING IN DARI)" "(REPEATS DARI WORDS) What's that mean?" "He wants to know if you are the Russians." " The Russians?" " Mmm." " No!" " (SPEAKS DARI)" "No, sir." "That was 20 years ago." "And we're here to help." "And I'm black." "(SPEAKING DARI)" "The Russians are blacks now." "(INDISTINCT YELLING)" "If we fix the well, you can't blow it up." "Kim, I was talking to some of the younger men." "They say the Taliban came at night." "I don't care." "No." "I drank too much water and I have to pee." "Stop." "Stop." "I am engaged to be married." "Okay, Fahim, I know you like your women to be, like, beautiful, mysterious IKEA bags, okay?" "But we urinate, Doctor." "Out of our vaginas." "You think you urinate out the..." "No." "I know it's a separate thing!" "God!" "Just please help me." "FAHIM:" "There is nowhere for you to go." "I cannot ask these men about this." "And I'm not allowed to talk to the women." "Fine." "Forget it." "I'll hold it." "Women are tough, right?" "(WATER GURGLING)" "(YELPS)" "(GROANS)" "Are you okay, ma'am?" "(URINATING)" "COUGHLIN:" "Gosh, damn it, man." "This is a new one." "I was cursing your name at 0-stupid-30, but I'm glad I came out today." "Would you not have gone on patrol today if I weren't here?" "No, I'd be back in Norton filling HESCOs." " (INDISTINCT MESSAGE ON RADIO)" " Copy that." "We're still 5 mikes." "It must be one hairy dump." "No, I'm just getting my pants on." "Damn it, Sergeant Hurd." "Whatever." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." "SGT." "HURD:" "Marine!" "Make a hole, Baker." "Move out!" " (INDISTINCT RADIO MESSAGE)" " Why are we stopping?" "The lead vehicle bottomed out." "SGT." "HURD:" "Okay!" "Heads on a swivel!" "Didn't we come this way?" "We most surely did." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO)" "(GLASS SHATTERS)" " SGT." "HURD:" "Contact left!" " Stay in the vehicle!" "(GUNFIRE)" "Shit!" "Hot!" "Hot bullet things!" "(MEN YELLING)" "Kim, don't get out of the car!" "Kim!" " (INDISTINCT YELLING) - (GUNFIRE)" "Whoa!" "(STUTTERS)" "Get down behind the engine block!" "Stay there!" "Stay there!" " (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)" " FAHIM:" "Kim." "Get back in the car!" "No, please, Kim!" "(MEN WHOOPING AND CHEERING)" "Ma'am, I asked you to stay put!" "Those assholes tried to shoot us!" "(LAUGHS)" "HOLLANEK:" "Jesus!" "You have got to be shitting me!" "You just shot a Javelin at a fucking car!" "That's an $80,000 piece of ordnance!" "Can any of you geniuses tell me the Kelley Blue Book value of a 1989 Toyota pickup?" "Oorah, Baker." "Get some." "I hope you got all that on film, ma'am." "'Cause that right there, that's what we do best." "Hearts and minds." "That's the two best places to shoot somebody." " (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (SIGHS)" "What?" "I told you to stay in the car." "Okay, I'll get back in the car." "The Marines don't have much to say about Iraq." "Their mantra is that they are focused on doing the job here." "And even though, as we saw firsthand, attacks against coalition forces are up," "Corporal Coughlin told me earlier that he is still not planning to lock and load his weapon when he is out on patrol." "Our own Kim Baker reporting for us live." "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "Welcome!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "Wow, good job, Kim!" "Ruthless!" "Bitch, we are going out tonight!" "Whoo!" "(ALL CHEERING)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "(BOY CRYING)" "It's okay." "It's okay." "Here." " It's okay." "It's all right." " (MUMBLES IN DARI)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Why don't I know who you are?" "You're what, like, 42?" "Sold." "Why have I never heard of you?" "Yeah, I haven't done a lot of overseas reporting." "I've done mostly domestic reportage." ""Reportage"?" "(STAMMERS) Domestic reportage." "Look, everyone in the Kabubble is full of shit." "It's okay." "Half the accents are fake." "The whole "I'm ex-Special Forces" wankers are flat out lying." " "Reportage"?" " (LAUGHS)" "Oh, Christ, what is this?" "I really shouldn't have my back to the door." "It's bad tradecraft, but it's worth it to talk to you two ladies." " Fuck off." " Ugh." "(CHUCKLES) You got it." " (SCOFFS)" " MAN:" "Champagne?" "Thank you." "Finish this, and then we'll go meet some friends in Wazir Akbar Khan." "And I am warning you now, do not sleep with Iain." " Who is Iain?" " He's a proper asshole." " Shall we?" " Yeah." "Is that a cab?" "(TRAFFIC BUSTLING)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "KIM:" "Is your full name Shakira?" "'Cause I thought it was a Colombian nickname." "Why would you think that?" " KIM:" "Because of the singer." " (LAUGHS)" "No, I know." "I'm kidding." "No, it's Arabic for "thankful."" "Kim is American for "white lady."" "(LAUGHS) Actually, "Kim" means "who" in Turkish." ""Who's that white lady?"" " It's Kim." " (LAUGHS)" "That's so you can remember my name." "So..." "This is Iain." "Iain, Kim." "(IAIN CLEARS THROAT)" "Kim." "Kim." "Kim." "Kim, nice work." "You sit next to the only two women in a country the size of Texas that remind a man that you're really only okay looking." "Well, she said you were an asshole, but that's really above and beyond." " Who said that?" " Tanya." "IAIN:" "No." "No." "No." "I don't think so." "A lot of women find me very charming, Kim." " No, not biological women." " Oh, really?" "Women who think that an accent is the same thing" " as a personality, maybe." " Oh!" "(SPEAKING GAELIC) Nae, haud yer wheesht." "Go bile yer heid, ya wee bampot." "I bet you're wetter than a submarine with screen doors now." "Oh!" "(SNICKERS)" "I got that from a pickup book." " Jesus." " Oh, yeah." "Mmm." "So what's your deal?" "You got chucked over by some guy so you think, "Forget him." ""I'm gonna go discover the wonders of the East," ""and I'm gonna fuck a Scottish guy and write a book."" "I'm Scottish, by the way." "(GROWLS)" " (LAUGHING)" " IAIN:" "Cheers." "WOMEN:" "Cheers." "(CLEARS THROAT)" " Cheers." " TANYA:" "Salud." " Cheers." " SHAKIRA:" "To Kim!" "Is this your first night out?" "Yes." "It is, actually." "That little bastard!" "Oh, no, Kim." "You didn't give Egg Boy money, did you?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Hey!" "Egg Boy!" "Hey!" "You're a little shitbird!" "(YELLS IN DARI)" "I hope you get salmonella!" " (YELLS IN DARI)" " Oh!" "I gave him, like, $100!" " $100?" " What?" "I'd give you my eggs for $100." "KIM:" "Where are we going?" "TANYA:" "A whorehouse." "You're going to love it." "(GUNSHOTS)" "IAIN:" "You see that?" "SHAKIRA:" "It's a brothel and a Chinese restaurant." "(SINGING POP SONG)" "(LAUGHS)" "Do you remember this video?" "Everybody was drawings." "Me?" "Oh, no, thank you." "Look, a month ago, I was writing a story about corn syrup." "Okay?" "I was not happy." "I didn't think there was anything else out there for me." "Just death." " Then this came along and..." " (SPEAKING MANDARIN)" "I don't care" "Wenge, do you guys have regular access to healthcare?" "(CONTINUES SINGING)" "(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)" "(CHEERING)" "IAIN:" "He called me a Fenian bastard." "I fuckin' showed him what for, kicked his teeth in, the cunt." " (TANYA LAUGHS)" " Oi, Tanya?" "What's her story?" "She has a boyfriend." "And she's unconscious, okay?" "Not that either of those things have ever stopped you before." "That's not true." "That's not true." " Firstly, I'm afraid of boyfriends." " Mmm-hmm." "Secondly, I'm a gentleman." "(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)" "What?" "According to no less an authority than Grace Mugabe." "I held a door open for her once." "(WHISPERING) Let me just have a little peekaboo." " (LAUGHS)" " Get out!" "(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) Actually, not bad." " I think I missed one." " TANYA:" "Stop!" "(LAUGHS)" "(SPEAKING FRENCH) Il y a du monde au balcon." "Pas mal." "NIC:" "Kim?" "You all right there, mate?" "IAIN:" "Oh, wouldn't you like to know?" "Hey." "I'm just talking about her safety." "Nic here does security for Kim, Iain." "(SIGHS)" "Right, well!" " (TANYA LAUGHS)" " I'm off." "Excuse me." " Excused." " Good night." " Bye, darling!" " IAIN:" "Good night." "The best, Nic!" "(LAUGHING)" "(SMACKS LIPS)" "Oh, that's Oprah." "(CELL PHONE RINGING)" "(GASPS)" "(GROGGILY) Hello." "It's Fahim." "Are you ready to go?" "Go where, dude?" "It's Saturday." "Friday is the only day off in the Islamic week." "We have interviews." "No!" "That was not made clear." "That's..." "No." "That's bullshit, Fahim." "No." "Kim, today we are meeting Ali Massoud Sadiq." "I sent research." "He's likely to be Attorney General." "(MOANING)" "(COUGHS)" " Please hold." " Please come outside." "This is against what I believe as an American." "I am sorry, but we have to go." "Oh, my shoes." "Shit." "You wish to interview me, Mr. Ahmadzai?" "I do, Mr. Sadiq." "Yes, on camera." "Mr. Ahmadzai," "I am a person of, of no consequence." "Well, you soon might be the second most powerful person in Afghanistan." "Mr. Ahmadzai," "I run a small department inside the Interior Ministry." "What possible interest could I be to the Americans?" "Because your Ministry for the Prevention of Vice and the Encouragement of Virtue sounds a lot like the Taliban's old Ministry of Vice and Virtue." "Don't you think?" " Kim Baker." " KIM:" "Mmm-hmm." "When the Taliban was in power, they enforced their version of sharia." "One of their edicts was a rule that all men must shave the hair of their pubis." "They would walk the streets carrying a small wooden rod, a dowel, which they would roll along the front of a man's trousers." "If a man's pubic hair was long enough to curl around the dowel, they would beat him." "Now, I ask you, do I look like a man to walk the streets carrying a hair-of-the-pubis dowel?" "No, sir, you do not." "I returned to this country to save it." "I am a friend of America." "Which is why you should let me interview you, so people can understand that." "(CHUCKLES)" "I like you, Kim." "I like your mouthiness." " That is a word, yes?" " (FAHIM REPLIES IN DARI)" "It reminds me of my time living in London." "You make me feel like a young man again. (CHUCKLES)" "But I do not know you." "How can we get to know each other, Kim?" "Hmm?" "Yes, excellent, Kim!" "(BOTH LAUGHING)" "Put a turban on her, she'd make a very handsome boy." "(YELLING)" "(CHEERFUL CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING)" "KIM:" "How are you?" "You okay there?" "(GUNFIRE)" "CHRIS:" "What the hell was that?" "It's probably just a wedding somewhere nearby." "They like to shoot off guns at weddings here." "You get it, you're from Florida." "CHRIS:" "Funny." "When was the last time I saw you?" "Since June?" "I'm sorry that I didn't get back last month." "(KIM SIGHS)" "I can be in New York by Thursday." "I miss you and I want to see you." "And I..." "I have..." " MAN:" "Oh, not again." " (KIM SIGHS)" "NIC:" "I hate this fucking airport." "KIM:" "Can I bring you guys anything from New York?" "(PHONE RINGING)" " NIC:" "Just bring us back a six pack, eh?" " (BOTH LAUGH)" " This is Kim." " SADIQ:" "Kim Baker?" "It is Sadiq." "Mr. Sadiq, hi." "How about an interview with Pacha Khan?" "Pacha Khan, the warlord?" "Pacha Khan is a businessman." "Would you like that?" "Uh, yeah." "Yeah." "But I'm on my way to New York to see my boyfriend." "You will be the first Western journalist to interview him since the Soviet War." "Shall we say tomorrow?" "Okay, yes, of course." "Thank you." " FAHIM:" "What?" " Back in the car." "FAHIM:" "Wait here." "(CONVERSING IN DARI)" "It's okay, come." "(CONVERSING IN PASHTO)" "She is a Muslim?" "Yes" "Have her pray for me." "She is Turkish." "You wouldn't understand her anyway." "Hmm." " Okay." "Yes." " Yeah?" "TALL BRIAN:" "Okay." "Pacha Khan, thank you for your kind hospitality." "(SPEAKING PASHTO)" "Put a turban on her and she would make a handsome boy!" "(LAUGHING)" "(FAHIM LAUGHING WEAKLY)" "What?" "No." "Oh, Kim." "Cheers." "Hi." "What a rush, yeah?" "Pacha Khan, yeah." "It's like, adrenaline." "Everyone was..." "Good job." "Yeah, it went well." "But, you know, I was..." "I was in the..." "The New Zealand SAS back home." "And today felt like jumping out of an airplane." " (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)" " Or like, you know, like having sex." "IAIN:" "Kim!" "Tanya's got scotch." "It won't last long, so..." "Nic, you're welcome, too, you big cunt!" "That's a term of affection, by the way." "TANYA:" "You were supposed to be in New York, sneaky girl." "Yeah, Chris is not super pleased." "Chris can suck a fat one." "(SCOFFS)" "I'm trying to see if they put my story up, but this Internet connection is the worst!" " (BRAYING)" " Oh, Goddamn it, Jaweed!" "Oh, Christ!" " Really?" " TANYA:" "Wow." "Although, donkeys aside," " he's a good fixer." " Mmm." "Oh, no, thanks." "Morning shows." "You have something they want for the mornings?" "(KIM MURMURS)" "Maybe." "I don't know." "Maybe." "Hmm." "That's what I'm trying to see." "You know, I heard that he has contacts in the Tribals." "Like real Taliban contacts." " Jaweed?" " TANYA:" "Jaweed." "KIM:" "No fucking way." "TANYA:" "Mmm, apparently." "Would you do that?" "Would you go down there?" "Yeah, sure, if it was the right call." "Yeah, but how do you know if it's the right call?" "Fuck, man, I don't know. (CHUCKLES)" "That is why we drink, do drugs and shag strangers in restaurant bathrooms." "(KIM GROANING)" "(LINE TRILLING)" "Kim, are you okay?" "What's going on?" "Oh, shoot." "Oh, sorry, what time is it?" "I don't know." "I'm in Seattle." "God, I thought you got shot at a wedding or something." " Jesus, Kim!" " No." "Sorry." "So, just real quick..." "I want you to come visit me." "In Afghanistan?" "Really?" "I mean, I've got tons of miles." "I could fly you first class." "I have to look at a calendar." "I don't think I can do it this month." "I'm here until, like, at least the 15th." "But when I get back maybe..." " Who is in your bed, Chris?" " What?" "(STAMMERING) No, that's my bag." "Look in the mirror, dipshit." "My God." "You motherfucker." "Unbelievable." "Unbelievable!" "You calm the fuck down!" "Listen, you haven't been home in months." "You forgot my fucking birthday!" "Oh, right, it's my fault." "Great, Chris." "You're a genius." "And I kept your stupid fucking plants alive, but you let this relationship wither and die!" "Ugh!" "Did you have that prepared?" " What?" " Pussy!" "You know what?" "Have fun in Seattle." "You should go to the Rock 'n' Roll Museum." "It sucks." "You'll fit right in." "(SIGHS)" "(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)" "Are you shitting me?" "(SIGHS)" "Fahim." "Let's apply for another embed." "Because I want to get out of Kabul." "I just need to get out of Kabul." "I need "me time", exactly." "That's..." "See?" "I told you that O magazine would increase your understanding of women." "(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "KIM:" "Hey, you guys are 3-5, right?" "Do you know a Corporal Coughlin?" "VIDES:" "No, ma'am." "Sorry, but I've only been here for a couple months." "Ma'am, if you set one foot in front of the other, there's less chance you lose both feet if we hit an I ED." "MAN: (ON RADIO) Vides, make ready." "(COCKING GUN)" "Man, we are definitely losing the war when it comes to this particular well." "I swear to God, they blow up another well," "I take another pair of boots off." "It's like fucking musical chairs." "Hey, do I have to buy a dress for your wedding?" "No." "Whatever you wear in Kabul is fine." " Yeah?" " Yes." "The only thing I ask is that you make sure my friend is there." "Aw, your friend is me." "(CHUCKLES)" " I get it." " (CHUCKLES)" "(WOMAN SPEAKS IN PASHTO)" " Mount up!" " Jesus, Stern!" "General, excuse me." "Hey." "General, do you have a minute?" " Not now, Baker." " It's just..." "The Taliban haven't been destroying the well here." "The women of the village are destroying it." "Or so they tell me." "We dug that well several times for the women so they don't have to walk to the river." "But they want to walk to the river." "It's their only chance to be social and gossip and, you know, hang out." "I think that they have a bunch of old Soviet landmines, and they just prop one up and throw rocks at it." "Kim, did you ever feel like you're manning that tollgate and the engineer's yelling, "I got pig iron, I got pig iron"?" "No." "I don't know what that means." "But it's very folksy." "Also, the women, obviously, they don't want the men to know about this, so they are hoping that you would just refuse to repair the well this time." "Well, they're in luck." "That's exactly what I told the mullah, so..." "Well done, Baker." "Hooyah, General." "Marines say "Oorah."" "The Navy says "Hooyah."" " Don't mix those two up." " Got it." "Have a good..." "Have a good ride." "(MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY)" "Kim." "Kim." "Sorry." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "(MUSIC PLAYING)" " You look beautiful!" " You look beautiful!" "Oh, my God." " Oh, my God." " SHAKIRA:" "Oh, no!" "Kim!" "What the dick?" "Why did Fahim tell me I could dress like this?" "Well, he didn't want you to have to go buy something." "Oh, my God." "I only washed the front of my hair." "SHAKIRA:" "Here." "You know what?" "I'm going to let you have one of these." "KIM:" "Thank you." "Now I look great." "TANYA:" "Now you're ready." "Now I'm ready to party." "Oh, she likes it." "(SHAKIRA LAUGHS)" " Sure." " SHAKIRA:" "Oh, wow." "Well... (DARI SONG PLAYING)" "It was worse than a unibrow." "It went all the way into his hair." "(TANYA LAUGHS) We all have some reason for being here." "What's your reason?" "What is yours?" "I don't have a good one." "I'm just here." "Come on, she just told her unibrow story." "I just..." "I don't have one." "Come on." "I was at the gym after work one night." "Stationary bike." "Okay?" "The same bike every day." "And I notice this indentation in the carpet, it's, like, a foot in front of my bike." "And I realize that it's from where my bike used to be." "I have done thousands of miles on this bike and I have gone backwards." "I have literally gone backwards." "I just wanted to blow everything up." "I just wanted out of my job, writing news scripts for dumb pretty people to read." "I wanted... (LAUGHS) ...out of having to decide whether" "I should just marry my mildly depressive boyfriend." "And that's it." "I just..." "I couldn't look at that fucking carpet anymore." "(INHALES DEEPLY) Oh..." "Well, that is officially the most" "American white lady story I've ever heard." " TANYA: (LAUGHING) Shut up." " SHAKIRA:" "It is." "You know what?" "Fuck that." "You are a battle-tested foreign correspondent." "You're a solid Kabul 9.5." "And you are fucking single, all right?" "So that lady back at the gym, she's dead." "This is your life." "(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)" "(LAUGHS)" "(CHEERFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)" "KIM:" "Despite Taliban threats, election observers are reporting high voter turnout, especially in cities." "A British fighter-bomber last week reduced this compound to rubble." "...not to cooperate." "Oh, God." "Christ, there's a..." "Bahzo!" "There's a bahzo here!" "The surprise visit from Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld." "Today, Kabul's first licensed female driver," "Gulbahar Yousofy, hits the road." " (THUDDING) - (MEN SHOUTING)" "That sucks." "That sucks for women." "Thank you." "Congratulations on your promotion," " Mr. Attorney General." " (CHUCKLES) Thank you." "As I said, we could have done this over the phone." "I'm just looking for a statement on sharia in Kandahar." "I understand that you are no longer with your special friend Chris." "Who told you that?" "Very little happens in Afghanistan that Ali Massoud Sadiq does not know about." "Very little." "May I show you something?" "Of course." "You have a bed in your office." "Yes." "There is a bed here now." "So, no comment on sharia in Kandahar or..." "No comment." " We are going to ISAF later, yes?" " KIM:" "I don't know." "Pressers and "right of boom" crap." "Who cares?" "We need to enterprise something." "Okay?" "We need to get out of the bubble." "Oh, that hit the net." " The what?" " It hit the net." " The invisible net?" " Yes." " My point." " (LAUGHS) Let's go." "Bullshit." "You know, Kim, the reason that your village well story got traction is because it wasn't a bang-bang, it was about women's rights." "It was a brilliant piece, that." "Oh, fucking hell. (LAUGHS)" "(INDISTINCT)" "We should go to Kandahar." "No, too dangerous." "No way." "It's a wee bit fluid down there these days, security-wise." "Yeah, it might be a bit much for you, eh, Nic?" "You're a bit late to the whole" ""Kandahar's gone to shit" party." "You know?" "What about the woman thing where the sharia law is back?" "And there was a firebombing there the other day." "Yeah, I think it's worth the risk." "Iain, that's easy for you to say, mate, sitting there in your cozzie taking photos of the fucking garden." "(LAUGHS) Look, Nicky, I know you've been specially trained to protect New Zealand from, what, fucking dolphins?" "But I'm not exactly a war zone virgin, you know?" "I was kidnapped by the AIG when they were still called that." "Why dolphins?" "What do dolphins got to do with New Zealand?" "Nothing to do with it." "I'm just..." "White pointers and sharks, but the dolphins never hurt anyone." "I know they've not hurt anyone, mate." "I'm just making the point..." "I'm not gonna protect my country from an animal that hasn't hurt anyone." "Oh, Jesus Christ." "Dolphins?" "What a joke." "I'll come with you in the car if there's room." "Oh, great, we're all going to Kandahar!" "I can make some calls." "We can take my car." "Kim, if we are going to Kandahar, you will need to buy some new clothes." "KIM:" "I can't... (EXHALES SHARPLY)" "(MUTTERING)" "Ah!" "It's so pretty, I don't even want to vote." "(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)" "I'm flipping you the bird in here right now." "(LAUGHS)" " Is this your car, Fahim?" " FAHIM:" "Yes." "KIM:" "This is a fucking piece of shit." "FAHIM:" "I think it's very nice." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "KIM:" "No one is staring at me." "It's weird." "You are in the Blue Prison now." "KIM:" "Fahim, what does the graffiti say?" "FAHIM: "No education for woman."" "(CAMERA CLICKS)" " Brian." " Huh?" "(MAN YELLING)" "Fahim, what's going on up there?" "The Taliban used to do this." "Execute the radios and televisions." "(ALL SPEAKING DARI)" "TALL BRIAN:" "Oh, shit!" "(ALL SPEAKING DARI)" "TALL BRIAN:" "Get out of the way!" "IAIN:" "Move on!" "Move on!" "KIM:" "You guys can't go out there, but I can." "(SPEAKING DARI)" "FAHIM:" "Kim, come back." "NIC:" "Kim, wait!" "Come back." "(MAN SPEAKING DARI)" "(ALL RESPONDING IN DARI)" "(SPEAKING DARI)" "(ALL CLAMORING)" "(SPEAKING DARI)" "FAHIM:" "Kim, now." "We must hurry." "We must hurry." "(CLAMORING CONTINUES)" "NIC:" "Get in the car!" "Get out of here!" "That was a men's park, Kim!" "Men only!" "Fuck!" "Bebakhshid, Fahim." "CAPT." "STERN: ...coalition capacity, priorities and support." "Let's look now at the 12 first-tier drivers in the current COIN paradigm." "Shit." "CAPT." "STERN:" "Tactical and institutional..." " (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) - ...is always in purple, and noting as such..." "HOLLANEK:" "Kim Baker." "Sir, do you have a minute?" "If I'm understanding this briefing," "I have all the fucking time in the world." "(CHUCKLES) Okay." "Well, I'm covering the girls' school in Kandahar that was firebombed and I'm wondering if you could give me something, on background, just about the security situation here and the state of the war in general." "Yeah, I can give you something." "This war is like fucking a gorilla." "You keep going till the gorilla wants to stop." "I think I can paraphrase that." "HOLLANEK:" "Knock yourself out." "(FAHIM SIGHS)" "You know, Afghanistan produces 90% of the world's narcotic opiates." " So they say." " FAHIM:" "Mmm." "When I worked in the hospital, these men, heroin addicts, would come in with a child." "They'd say, "Oh, my son, he broke his arm."" "And while we were tending to the child, the men would steal our morphine." "And we would wonder how the arm got broken to begin with." "What are we talking about, Fahim?" "Hmm." "The human body produces its own heroin." "In fact, when the fight-or-flight instinct is activated in the hypothalamus, your body releases endorphins, dopamine and norepinephrine." "That is heroin, cocaine and amphetamine, all at once." "Okay, great." "Are we having the Afghan version of this conversation, where in New York we would have gotten to the point, like, five minutes ago?" "There is a reason to believe that a person can get addicted to this type of high." "Soldiers, athletes..." "War reporters." "Got it." "An addict always needs a greater and greater dosage." "And then people make mistakes, people get hurt." "I get it." "You're a newlywed." "I can probably get them to go up to $125 a day." "Let us have the" "American version of this conversation." "KIM:" "Okay." "I do not want to work with you anymore." "No, okay, wait." "Fahim, I know I fucked up." "I do not think you do." " Hear me out." " Kim, no." "I am now married." "I want to have children." "It will not happen again." "It's not gonna..." ""I ride after a deer and find myself chased by a hog." ""I plot to get what I want" ""and I end up in prison." ""I dig pits to trap others and I fall in." ""I should be suspicious of what I want."" "I don't know what that means." "You do." "Fahim?" "(SIGHS)" "(SIGHS)" "(RESUMES TYPING)" "(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)" "(CHUCKLES)" "KIM:" "I can't breathe in here." "Time to take a walk." "I have to go outside." "I have to go home." "(MAN SPEAKING DARI)" "Put on your headscarf" "(PEOPLE YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" "Shit." "It's the wrong house." "(DISTANT GUNFIRE)" "Oh, shit." "(BABY WAILING)" "(MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" "IAIN:" "Kim?" "What the hell are you doing?" "(SIGHING)" "Here." "Kim, sip that." "Okay?" "You all right?" "Keep sipping that." "You're all right." "It's okay." "It's okay." "Hey." " Hey, it's all right." " (SIGHS)" "Oi." "Now, that there was a bit of fun." " Are you mental?" " Okay, mate..." "I'm not your mate." "I'm gonna ask you again, are you fucking mental?" " Come on, Iain, it's not his fault." " What's your job again?" "Hmm?" "Because if I hadn't come back to see you lot because I stole a bottle of sake from a Japanese travel writer..." "Wait, you have sake?" "...you could've killed her, "mate!"" " Oh, fuck off." " (GRUNTS)" "Jesus!" "What the fuck?" "(GROANS)" "(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Dude, what the fuck?" "Did you fucking sucker punch me?" "You broke my nose." " You fucking American?" " Are you a Yank?" " I'm Canadian, you asshole." " Ugh." "I almost fucked a Canadian?" "I'd stay down if I were you, ya wee cunt." "And that's not a term of affection." "Fuck that." "(BREATHES SHARPLY)" "(BOTH MOANING)" "Oh, God!" "Mmm." " (GRUNTS)" " KIM:" "Ow!" " Wait." " Oh, fuck." "Iain, don't carry me around." "I'm not a fucking baby." " IAIN:" "Ah!" " Goddamn it." "What the fuck are you doing?" "(MOANING)" " Take it off." " IAIN:" "I'm fucking trying to take it off!" "Oh, God, I'm gonna put it in you so fucking hard," " you're gonna fucking get it." " Shh." "Don't talk." "IAIN:" "I want everything in your mouth." "Iain, just shut it." "I'll take you lying down, come on." "Do you have one of those weird little penises?" "IAIN:" "No!" "This is how I want to go." "KIM:" "No, I don't want to see myself." "Roll off!" "IAIN:" "Okay, fuck it." "(MOANING)" "Oh, God, I fucking..." "What are you doing?" "I'm just putting my fucking finger in your mouth." "KIM:" "Shh." "No!" "Come on, just put everything in your mouth." "(KIM GAGS)" "Do you want me to go?" "No." " (THUDDING) - (IAIN GROANS)" "(IAIN BRUSHING TEETH)" "There's aught like a good shag." "Okay, let's try to be adults here." "I think we were." "Obviously this was just a Kabubble thing, right?" "Just a fun mistake where one of us had an orgasm." "I mean, we're both in a really bad place." "And then you punched Nic." "I don't know." "It's endorphins, right?" "Nope, that's not what this is." "No, you don't need to be gallant." "I'm serious." "I fancy you, Kim Baker." "I do." "Of all the dozens of women in this country, I chose you." "No, you didn't, because this is not me." "I would never do this." "Precisely." "Because you're not you anymore." "You're in the Kabubble." "You said so yourself." " (SIGHS)" " Don't fucking hide." "Kim, you know the frog in the pot of water?" "You raise the temperature bit by bit, the frog doesn't notice?" "That's what this place and that's what this job does to all of us." "It changes your perception of what's normal until... until here we are." "You know the frog boils to death" " at the end of that, right?" " Nope." " Yeah." " Nope." "(IAIN SIGHS)" "Is that my toothbrush?" "Ugh!" "KIM:" "What's going on with my Kandahar piece, Ed?" "ED:" "Jerry killed it." "Wait, who killed it?" "Jerry Taub, head of the network, Kim." " What happened to Angela?" " She left." "She's running a website for women or something." "Look, I can't sell Afghanistan in Monday meetings." "Your war's got chronic same-shit-different-day-itis." "Great." "What am I even doing here, Ed?" "I wouldn't ask that too loudly, Kim." "Though I'd be thrilled to have you back at your old desk." "That's all I got." "Hey, I heard that Nic quit and you fucked Iain!" "KIM:" "Whoa, hold on." "Listen, the Iain thing is not a thing, okay?" "We have the same size hands." "I can't." "It's just work has been a little frustrating." "Yeah." "I get it." "Because Afghanistan doesn't rate anymore." "That is bullshit." "You've got to find your own luck here, babe, you know that." "What?" "What?" "What is that?" "Hey!" "You're hooking up Tanya in the Tribals?" "What the fuck, Jaweed?" "Her network will pay me triple." "I taught you how to clear your Internet history, okay?" "What has Vanderpoel ever done for you?" "Give me a break, man." "Whatever." "You owe me." "What else do you have?" "You're Ghilzai, right?" "Do you have any other connections to members of the Ghilzai family?" " You mean Hekmatyar?" " Maybe." "Are you fucking crazy, Kim?" "Please." "(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)" "Hey!" "Nabil!" "Hey." "Are you still in touch with that ISI guy who says he knows who killed Abdul Haq?" "That guy?" "(SCOFFS) He's dead two years." "(GRUNTS ANGRILY)" "(INDISTINCT YELLING)" "(CHEERING)" "Hey." "(GRUNTS)" " (IAIN BRUSHING TEETH)" " Oh, for fuck's sake." "Mrs. MacKelpie." "(LAUGHS)" "Twice?" "IAIN:" "Two and a half, actually." "KIM:" "Ugh!" "I don't remember what happened last night." "Kabul happened, my wee froggy in the pot." "Did I not wear a headscarf?" "Where's my phone?" "I believe I threw your mobile in my cupboard." "Why?" "Because mid-coitus you tried to call Tanya about some bloody wild goose chase in the Tribals." "I told you about that?" "Mmm." "Well, it was hard to understand you once you asked me to stuff your knickers in your mouth." "I'm joking, Kim." "That didn't happen." "(SIGHS) Fuck." "I am..." "I am fucking losing it." "I need a win." "Christ, if you're that hard up," "I'll share my Badakhshan thing with you." "What Badakhshan thing?" "You know China won the contract to mine for gold up there." "They built roads, airport, housing, all that." "Well, guess whose responsibility it is to protect the investment of Red China in this restive nation?" "American troops, Chinese gold." "Oh, Iain, that's really good." "People are gonna get mad." "Just waiting for my guy to give me the green light." "You pay for the trip, I'll share the story with you." "Easy peasy." "Really?" "Thank you." "That's..." "I owe you one." "Well, how about a half of one?" "And then we can make it an even three." "Yeah." "Or I could buy you breakfast." "Or a half of one and we can make it an even three." "I think breakfast is of equal monetary value." "My middle name is Eoghan." "Which is Erse..." "Shut up." "It's Erse for Owen." " "Oo-hee"?" " Mmm-hmm." " Iain "Oo-hee."" " Don't bother." "Where is Bin Laden?" "People think he's in Pakistan, right?" "Yeah." "You've got egg in your beard." "Hang on." "Thank you." "Your national animal is the unicorn." "I think it's romantic." "That is the national animal of the kingdom I ruled" " when I was eight." " (CHUCKLES)" "Who's your favorite Three Stooge?" "Um, Larry." "Because he's put upon in a way that I identify with." " (BOTH LAUGHING)" " He's the Art Garfunkel, right?" "Yeah." "So, I thought I might like to hang out with you for a bit." "Yeah." "Okay." "Yeah." "Do you really want to know what I want to do?" "Yeah." "Okay." "I'd like to kiss you." "Who knew?" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "IAIN:" "Here's my little man." "No, Iain, don't." "It's a scam." "Do you think so?" "Really?" "I know it's a scam, Kim." "So what?" "He's still begging in the street." "Hey, Abrahaim." "There's my boy." "I knew I'd win you over." "(WOMAN YELLING)" "(SPEAKS DARI)" "Jesus!" "TANYA:" "What the fuck, Jaweed?" "Are they coming or not?" "Here they are." "DRONE PILOT: (ON RADIO) There they are." "4-6800, line six north." "Standing by approval." "We are clear to engage target." "Roger." "Clear to engage target." "It is him." "That's my guy." "ANDY:" "If we go anywhere, Jaweed, we take our vehicle." "No carpooling." "JAWEED:" "All right." "Okay." "(INDISTINCT YELLING)" "Shit!" "Shit!" "ANDY:" "Stay calm." "(INDISTINCT YELLING CONTINUES)" "(YELLS IN DARI)" "(SCREAMING)" "Splash." "Cease laser." "Safe laser." "DRONE SENSOR:" "Laser off." "Laser safe." "(ANDY SCREAMING)" "(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)" "(SIREN WAILING)" "(MONITORS BEEPING)" "(DOOR OPENING)" "I'm looking for someone." "Excuse me." " Oh, my God." "Tanya." " Hi." " Jesus." " Oy." "Jaweed's dead." "Andy's in surgery." "I know." "Iain talked to Colin." "Jesus!" "I know." "It's fucked." "You know, Colin was rolling." "What, like, rolling-rolling?" "You have tape?" "He got the whole fucking thing." "I'm going to go live with it as soon as they let me out of here." "(SIGHS)" "Can you fucking believe it?" " (GASPS)" " IAIN:" "Hey." "TANYA:" "Hi." "Aye." " How are you?" " IAIN:" "You doing all right?" " (INDISTINCT YELLING) - (EXPLODING)" "TALL BRIAN:" "Holy shit!" "And as we watch it again there, Susanna, you can actually see the Hellfire missile right before it detonates." " (MUSIC PLAYING) - (WOMAN MOANING)" "What is going on with Badakhshan?" "Ah, snow's killing us." "So unless your network wants to stump up the money for the helicopter, we'll have to wait till they clear the passes." "Kim, we have a bit of a situation outside." "Oh." "What?" "TERRY:" "I just need you to see something." "Sorry to interrupt." "KIM:" "Did he say what he wanted?" "TERRY:" "I don't know." "(INAUDIBLE)" "Fuck." "(BOTH ARGUING IN DARI)" "Qadar." "Qadar, it's okay." "You can go in." "He just wants to talk to me." " Okay." "Okay." " It's okay." "Oh, please, do not cover your hair on my account." "It's such beautiful hair." "It's like the hide of a fine horse." "Sadiq, what are you doing here?" "I was just going home from closing a woman brothel when I told my driver," ""Mahboobullah, this is where my best friend Kimberly lives!"" "But she has been a bad friend lately." "She does not call." "She does not invite me to her party." "I'm sorry, but I didn't think the Attorney General of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan went to parties at guesthouses." "And why not?" "I am still a man, no?" "I love music." "I love to dance!" "(EXCLAIMS)" "(VOCALIZING)" "But even though you have been a bad friend," "I want you to be happy." "Do you have a special friend?" "Because" "I would love to be your special friend." "Would you like that, Kim?" "You're a bad friend." "You are a bad friend." "In America, I would get a book deal out of this shit!" "You can't just do this, okay?" "I haven't been on the air in months!" "My best friend here almost died, and I am jealous of her!" "And I am just..." "Fuck this!" "All of it!" "(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)" "(ALL SINGING ALONG)" "(EXPLOSION)" "(MUSIC STOPS)" "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "That was a bomb." "(CLAMORING)" "KIM:" "Hello!" "So, wait!" " Who is fronting the show?" " (WAILING)" "Tucker?" "No, I don't know who that is." "Okay, well, I could go live for the overnights, but this is..." ""Satellite time?" No, I have a dedicated feed." "Since when?" "(ON PHONE) This is Tucker Wang." "This is Kim Baker." "Why am I being told that I don't have a sat hookup?" "TUCKER:" "Because you're on the hourly plan now." "And either way, the show is full tonight." "No." "Who is your boss?" "I want to talk to this Jerry whatever, Taub." "Okay, look, Jerry has mentioned Afghanistan to me once, and mentioned it to know why the only good story to come out of there in a year was on another network." "What, Tanya's thing?" "No, I've got shit like that." "I'm waiting for the snow to melt!" "I want to talk to Jerry." "TUCKER:" "If I could just get you to get me a story that somebody would care about, it would be fine." "But meanwhile..." "Okay, what if I come to New York and I burst into Jerry's office?" "How about that?" "Well, that might look like I hadn't done my job." "Perfect." "See you Wednesday." "Cunt." " IAIN:" "Kim." " (DOGS WHINING)" "Kim, look at these dogs." "How does this end?" "A bucket of cold water, I suppose." "No." "Um... (CLEARS THROAT)" "How does this end?" "(SIGHS)" "Uh, I don't really know, Kim." "We grow old together?" "Get a cottage in the country?" "Raise chickens?" "(CHUCKLES)" "Eat scrambled eggs off each other?" "Look, we're good, aren't we?" "We'll always have Kabul." "No, we won't." "We won't "always have" it because I have to go home." "No, this is home." "I have to go to New York City and justify my life to somebody named Jerry before he takes it all away, and I" "cannot go back to sitting at a goddamn desk." "I can't." "Aye." "Listen..." "No one can take it away from you." "Not all of it." "Whatever happens, you'll have me." "That's a very nice thing to say, but..." "But what?" "TANYA:" "Following a fatal traffic accident involving a coalition truck, long simmering frustration today boiled over into violence and despair." "They kill us!" "They kill us and they break our hearts!" "And I also give this message to President Hamid Karzai." "What the hell is happening here?" "(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA)" "(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)" "Okay, I don't care who the hell's in there." "I'm Kim Baker." "Go on in, Kim." "Jerry's expecting you." "Well, that's fucking unsatisfying." "Can I take your bag?" "Yes." "Please." "Would you care for some water?" "Yes." "I should've Googled you." "I've been..." "I've been using all the wrong swear words. (CHUCKLES)" "Well, I hope I didn't ruin your big moment." "Look, Geri, I don't know what Tucker has been telling you." "He said that you're upset about the air time you're getting." "That's just wrong, because this is not about me." "My frustration is with our priorities and what's best for the network." "Isn't deciding what's best for the network my job?" "I'm just saying, as journalists, we have an obligation to this story." "And Afghanistan should be on our air more, period." "With the resources we have over there," "Afghanistan should definitely be on our air more." "But the problem is, as much as everyone loves the troops, they don't actually want to watch them on the news anymore." "They just don't." "So I can't give Afghanistan more air." "Which means I need to give Afghanistan fewer resources." "That's what's best for the network." " (KNOCKING ON DOOR)" " Geri..." "You have that call now." "I'm not trying to be a bitch." "Okay, let me pitch you something." "All right, the Chinese mining concession..." "Jesus!" "Look, the last person who got any kind of bounce out of Afghanistan was your friend Tanya Vanderpoel." "She's actually got me over a barrel thanks to that drone story." "What do you mean, "over a barrel"?" "She's London, Kim." " You're hiring Tanya." " Yes." "I assumed you two flew here together." "She's here." "(STUTTERS)" "I'm sorry, you started talking to her before the UAV strike?" "Is UAV a drone?" "Hello!" "Where are you going?" "No, I'm only here for a few days." "Oh, I know." "Oh, fuck." "I don't know what to say to you." "Ducky, I'm sorry." "I fucked up." "Did you go to the Tribals because you were in a contract negotiation?" "Dude, I'm not stealing your job, okay?" "Tanya, this is not about my fucking job." "We have to make good calls, right?" "And now Andy lost an eye and Jaweed is dead." "Christ, man, we've both fucking made mistakes!" "No." "Tell me you didn't go to the Tribals because of a contract." "You would have done exactly what I did if Jaweed had gone to you." "No." "I'm not you." "(SCOFFS)" "Do you remember your first embed?" "You interviewed a young Marine?" "Coughlin?" "Yes." "What?" "Yeah, well, after they aired your story, where you used his soundbite about not loading his rifle, they sent him to Helmand." "And he got his legs blown off." "So I hear." "See you in Kabul." "(DOOR OPENING)" "IAIN: (ON PHONE) I'm not really surprised she chased the story." "That's what we do." "That's what you do." "I would do it." "Sorry." "Goddamn it, I'm tired." "You booked your return yet?" "'Cause you could come through Glasgow if you wanted." " I'll meet you." " What?" "No." "What about Badakhshan?" "Badakhshan, that will keep because the fucking pass is still snowed in." "I need that story. (SIGHING) I need a hit, all right?" "I need something so that Geri doesn't decide" "I'm more useful as an ottoman in her fucking office." "What you need, Kim, is some time out of the bubble." "You'd better get ready." "I'm fucking making love to you to bagpipe versions of Sade songs." "Yeah, okay." "Really?" "You'll meet me in Glasgow?" "Yeah, I'll meet you in Glasgow." " I'll get the next flight." " Okay." " Bye." " Bye." "IAIN:" "Hey, Antoine." "Where have you come from?" "I thought you were in Badakhshan." "I was." "Drove back overnight." "Wait, what?" "The pass is open?" "Oui." "For now." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "IAIN:" "Cheers." "(REPLIES IN FRENCH)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "Oh, Christ. (CLEARS THROAT)" "(CONVERSING IN DARI)" "Excuse me." "Kunduz near?" "Far?" "I'd like to rent a car." " Mmm-hmm." " (LAUGHS)" "(SPEAKING DARI)" "Aye, thank you." "Yeah, I get it." "Thank you." "Thanks a lot." "(IAIN CLEARS THROAT)" "(INDISTINCT YELLING)" "(THUDDING)" "(YELLING CONTINUES)" "Oh, Jesus." "Oh, shit." "(MEN YELLING IN DARI)" "PILOT: (ON PA) Welcome to Glasgow International Airport." "Outside temperature's 18 degrees Celsius." " Local time is 15 hours." " (CELL PHONE CHIMING)" "There will be an airline representative to assist you to your luggage." "Once again, thank you for flying with us..." "Oh, my God." "KIM:" "Leaving a message for Susan." "Woodward, I'm back in Kabul again." "I'm trying to get information about the disappearance of Iain MacKelpie, so if someone at Reuters can please call me back." "Call to let me know that you've received this message." "Thank you." "(DARI ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA)" "KIM:" "Who kidnaps a Scottish freelance photographer?" "The whole point of kidnapping is to get money, right?" "As far as I understand," "Iain was just in the wrong place at the wrong time." "Can this half-assed country not even do kidnapping right?" "ISAF does not think this was an upper-tier organization." "So these men will probably try to sell him to someone else." "And then there will be some talking, you know." "Oh, my God, Fahim." "They're gonna kill him." "No, they will not, Kim, inshallah." "Now is when you're supposed to say "I told you so."" "(GOAT BLEATING)" "TERRY:" "Fuck!" "FAHIM:" "Ramadan has ended." "They are slaughtering lambs." "(SIGHING)" "May I speak with him?" "The general's busy." "Really, General?" "The elliptical?" "I have bad knees." "I'm guessing you didn't come here for the smell of balls." "Everybody get the fuck out!" "They believe that he may have been sold to another organization somewhere in that same region." "That's a pretty big ask, Baker." "There's a real-time clock on this." "I'm sorry, I can't help you." "(KIM CLEARS THROAT)" "You know, it's just a shame that y'all don't get credit for all these high-profile things that you do." "You know, especially with SEALs and Delta out there." "I mean, what week goes by that you don't see those assholes on TV, am I right?" "And then next time Congress votes on a Pentagon budget and there's this pesky little 10% line item for the Marines, next thing you know, you guys are just part of the Navy." "Although, sir, you would look spectacular in one of those pretty white uniforms." "God, you know what?" "It's just occurring to me that, unlike JSOC, you guys allow reporter embeds." "Which means that a cameraman could go on a FORECON mission." "Don't you think that would be great for the Corps, sir?" "That kind of exposure?" "Pretty good for you, too." "Look, we don't go in blind." "We have to know what we're doing and where we're going." "It's the way we work." "We're not likely to get an address, but..." "When you have something concrete, come back and we'll get kinetic." "Ugh!" "(SPEAKS DARI)" "Please tell Mr. Sadiq that his "special friend" is here." "What can I get for you?" "Some tea?" "The new PlayStation?" "No, thank you." "I just need a moment of your time." "SADIQ:" "Ah." "We still friends, Sadiq?" "Well, that is up to you, Kim." "Because you once told me that nothing happens here that you don't know about." "So you must know about my friend Iain MacKelpie getting kidnapped." "I did hear about this, yes." "Yeah, well, everybody heard about it, but a powerful man such as yourself must actually know something." "Or your friend Pacha Khan knows something." "Or his friend does." "Of course." "I could make some inquiries, but I can only do this for a very special friend." "(SIGHS)" "I have a video that I think you should watch, Sadiq." "You push the little triangle." "(LAUGHS) You can watch video on the phone?" "What is this?" "It looks like the Attorney General of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan dancing in the street with a Western enemy of Islam at a party where alcohol was served." "I've never touched alcohol in my life!" "Well, I'm just saying how it looks." "(MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY)" "It's a good idea, right?" "It's a great idea!" "It's fucking ace!" "Good on ya, Kim!" "Let's go, load up!" "Let's go, move, move, move!" "You drink Tennessee whiskey, Miss Baker?" "Yeah." "Outstanding." "(MELLOW SONG PLAYING)" "(MUFFLED GUNSHOTS)" "(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)" "(MUFFLED EXPLOSION)" "(MUFFLED GUNFIRE)" "(MEN GROANING)" "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "Tall Brian?" "What the fuck?" "Hang tight, sir." "I'm gonna get you that ride." "Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)" "KIM:" "What happened to the army, Dr. Brydon?" "(SIGHS)" "I am the army." "Thank you, Kim." "KIM:" "How are you?" "I've had worse kidnappings." "(CHUCKLES)" "ANCHORMAN:" "MacKelpie is being treated for minor injuries." "Again, this incredible footage was produced by our very own Kim Baker." "Just incredible." "Way to go, Kim!" "If you want to kidnap someone fucking twice, you do a Toyota." "Fucking not as interesting as it got when they fucking pulled out a burqa." "It's too fucking long for me!" "I don't know who the woman was it belonged to." " I'm not fucking 6'2", right?" " (LAUGHTER)" "I'm dragging this fucking thing along, thinking the only consolation is, at least if I'm a fucking woman," "I'm not gonna get buggered, you know what I'm saying?" "(LAUGHTER)" "So anyway, I took a little something, actually." "I went to the gift shop at Taliban." "I'm afraid all I could get was that." "(LAUGHTER)" "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "(BRUSHING TEETH)" "(GRUNTS SOFTLY)" " It's a shame you're going." " Hmm?" "Well, I hope at least they're flying you first class." "Geri doesn't like me that much." "But she does like me now, so while I have this juice," "I've got to leverage it into something better." "(SNAPS FINGERS) Yes!" "Yes, wait, Iraq." " I'll come with you." " (LAUGHS)" "No, actually, Pakistan." "That's where the real shooting shit is." "It's like the Wild West out there." "Actually, I told Geri that I want New York or D.C." "(LAUGHING)" "No, I did." "No, really, where are you going?" "New York or D.C." "Why?" "You can still come with me." "Because I think there's plenty of good work to be done in the real world, and the Kabubble is well-established." "Is this about me going to Badakhshan without you?" "'Cause you would have done exactly the same thing." " And, hey, what, I forgive you!" " (KIM SCOFFS)" "This is not about you." "It's not about Badakhshan, or Glasgow, or the cottage with the chickens." "What chickens?" "It's okay." "I know you're not gonna come." "I just have to get out of here before it's too late." "What do you mean?" "I started to feel like this was normal." "You know it's not, right?" "Come to New York and get it." "Remember, you're like a six in Manhattan." "(INDISTINCT CHATTER)" "How's your baby?" "Which one?" " You have two?" " Yes." " Irish twins." " (LAUGHS)" "No, they are very good." "The younger one, the boy, he's very strong." " Mmm." " Mmm." "I bet the girl is strong, too." "She's stronger." "So, um, those men in the hospital, the addicts..." "Any of them ever get better?" "Have a happy ending?" "In my culture, we would hug. (CHUCKLES)" "(GRUNTS)" "Hey." "COUGHLIN:" "You know, I miss it." "The Stan." "KIM:" "Yeah, I miss it, too." "Actually, I tried to go back but even the Army wouldn't take me." "I mean, the Army!" "I mean, that's just hurtful." "(BOTH CHUCKLE)" "Well, I'm very sorry for what happened to you." "So if there's anything that you want to say to me, that's why I'm here." "That's why I came here." "Ma'am," "I lost my legs because of an IED, not because of you." "I appreciate that, but if I hadn't quoted you," " you wouldn't have been transferred." " (LAUGHS)" "No, really, you can say whatever you want to me." "That's why I'm here." "Okay, well, then let's say you're right." "It's still not 'cause of you, ma'am." "Some 12-year-old haji had to plant that bomb." "And, hell, you know, if Bin Laden's parents hadn't have gotten divorced, maybe none of us would've been in the Stan to begin with." "And the Taliban, they wouldn't have even been there for UBL if Brezhnev hadn't have gone and fouled up Afghanistan in the first place." "And the British Empire." "Yeah." "And Kim Baker." "Okay, I deserve that." "(STAMMERS) Goddamn!" "Once you got no legs, everyone takes everything so serious." "(COUGHLIN SCOFFS)" "I mean, there's only so much any of us have any control of, good or bad." "If you didn't learn that in Afghanistan, you were not paying attention." "So, you're not gonna yell at me?" "(CHUCKLING) I mean, ma'am..." "Kim, you've got to move on." "You're giving yourself way too much credit." "You embrace the suck, you move the fuck forward." "What other fucking choice do we have?" "ELENA:" "Do I hear swearing over there?" "How are you standing there the one time I curse?" " "One time."" " I mean..." "It's true." "He had a good" " long run in the military." " (COUGHLIN LAUGHS)" "ELENA:" "Don't cover up for him." "So, Kim, are you gonna stay for dinner?" "Of course she will." "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "Bye!" " Say bye to Kim." "Bye, Kim!" " Say bye." "KIM:" "Colonel, the Afghan National Army missed yet another benchmark for preparedness." "How do you think that will affect our draw down in the region?" "There needs to be a revision to the previously announced draw down or our future exit strategy." "Thank you, Colonel Roberts." "Thank you." "My pleasure." "Coming up, a look at the war on terror that's close to home for those of us who cover it." "From London, I'll be joined by award-winning combat photographer, Iain MacKelpie." "His new book, Conflict Zone, chronicles a decade spent working in the Middle East and Afghanistan." "That's when we return." "DIRECTOR:" "And we're clear." "Back in 40." "Hi, Iain." "Hi." "Was I supposed to say something then" " when you introduced me?" " Nope." "Nope." "Just sit up, smile." "I can't smile." "My face feels weird." "No, you're fine." "You look good." "Thank you for coming on the show." "No, please." "Thanks for having me." " I got it." "Okay, yeah." "Got it." " (CLEARS THROAT)" "You know, they got me on this book tour at the moment." "I'm gonna be in New York at the end of the month, if you'd fancy a coffee." "DIRECTOR:" "We're back in five, four, three..."