"ALAN:" "Previously on Two and a Half Men:" " Hi." " I'm sorry." "I didn't catch your name." "This is Jeff." "Jeff Strongman." "In return for 51 percent of your company," "I will back your project." "I will sell you a minority share if you agree to work as my product engineer." "You changed my code!" " I made it better." " You're fired." "We're done." "I don't work with you anymore." "That's what "you're fired" means." "So, this isn't a bad idea anymore." "Oh, hey, Jenny." "Do you have plans for tonight?" "You wanna see a movie?" "No, my girlfriend and I are actually making one." "It's like The Hunger Games, but we're not gonna be eating food." "Hey, Walden." "Wanna go see a movie?" "I got a buy one get one free coupon." "(CHUCKLING) No, I'm not falling for that again." "Besides, I can't." "I'm gonna go see Nicole." "Are you?" "Or you're gonna say you're gonna go see Nicole, and we say, "That's a good idea."" "Then you're gonna talk about it more and decide maybe it's not a good idea." "And we say, "That's fine." "Whatever you want."" "And then you come up to us 15 minutes later and say," ""I'm gonna go see Nicole."" "Maybe it's not a good idea." "Come on, just grow a pair." "Or strap on a pair from my drawer and talk to her." "Or you could go to a movie with me." "I'm gonna go see Nicole." "Hey, Berta." "Wanna go to the movies?" "Sounds good." "See you later." "Can I get my free refill, please?" "Sorry, sir, that offer only applies on the day of purchase." "I know." "I purchased it today." "It's a Finding Nemo cup." "Then you found him." "Also, there was a spider in my popcorn." "I had to throw the whole thing away." "All right, all right, just tell your manager that Alan Harper would like to speak with him when he has a moment." " He knows me." " We all know you." "Jeff!" "Jeff!" "Oh, hey, Larry." "And I'm sorry, it's..." "Lyndsey." "Right, right, of course." "I'm terrible with names." "It's true." "Sometimes he can't even remember his own." "Well, I would never forget it, Jeff Strongman." "Are you here alone?" "Saturday night at the movies, alone?" "Hello, suicide hotline." "No, my date is..." "Taking a poop." "Is this date something serious?" "'Cause I was actually thinking there's a girl at my office, Gwen, who would be perfect for you." "Honey, I'm pretty sure Jeff is gay." "Nope." "The only thing straighter than me is my boner when I look at naked women." "Are you sure you're not gay?" "I'm sure." "Love the boobies." "You know what might be fun?" "We all go on a double date." " That would be great." " Would it?" "Does that really sound great, Jeff?" "MAN:" "Alan Harper?" "I have a complimentary popcorn and soda for Alan Harper?" "Wow." "Free popcorn and soda." "Bet you wish you were Alan Harper." "MAN:" "Mr. Alan Harper?" "♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫" "Hey, guys." "Oh, my God." "I knew you'd come back." "I knew you were not like my father." "Aww." "I missed you invading my space." "Walden, hi." "What are you doing here?" "Don't worry." "I'm not trying to get my job back." "I just wanted to see if we could get dinner together." "Oh, let me check my calendar." "What day were you thinking?" "Yeah, I'm not so sure that's a good idea." "Tuesday works for me." "I can skip Pilates." "Look, are you mad about me kissing you?" "No." "I mean, yes." "I mean, did I think about it?" "Sure." "But, I think about a lot of things." "You know, computers, music, the weather." " Kissing me." " Yeah." "No, no!" "Stop it." "Okay, Wednesday, I've got a thing, but..." "You know what?" "I can move it." "Goodbye, Mom." "Look, even if there were an attraction, there are a hundred nerds all around the world working on thought-recognition technology." "And if I don't finish first," "I'm gonna lose the last two years of my life." "All I heard was, there is an attraction, you like kissing me, blah, blah, two years of my life." "Goodbye, Walden." "Okay, all I heard was, you, me, pot, Jack in the Box, blah, blah, blah, best friends forever." " Hey." " Oh, hey." "How was the movie?" "Fantastic." "I went out by myself and came home with a date." "Well, normally, you go out with a date and come home by yourself." " Where is she?" " Oh, no, no, it's a future date." "Future date?" "Mm-hmm." "We talking like a sex robot?" "No, no, Lyndsey and Larry are setting me up." "Although if you do see an ad for a sex robot, save your money." "They just put lipstick on a Dustbuster." "Whoa, wait." "That's not the same Dustbuster you got me for Christmas?" "Oh, no, no, of course not!" "That would be..." "Oh, good God!" "Wait a sec." "Your ex-girlfriend and the guy she's with, who she's cheating on with you, is getting your alter ego, Jeff Strongman, a date with a girl that they know?" "Hang on." "Carry the whore..." "Yes." "So, how did it go with you?" "Well, I went to get a date with a girl, got shot down and wound up with a date with a guy." "Been there." "(DOORBELL RINGS)" "Don't feel bad." "I've been shot down more times than I can count, and I'm still here." "BOTH:" "We know." "Are you really that stupid?" "All right, you're talking to a guy who stuck his penis in a vacuum." "What's wrong with you?" "Wait, I keep a list on the fridge." "Why in the world would you agree to go on a double date with me and Larry?" "Okay, you are just upset, because you are gonna have to watch me be with someone else, the same way I have to watch you be with Larry." "It's just a taste of your own medicine." "Jealous-ine." "Use as directed." "Side effects include tears, sleepless nights, and possible rage masturbation." "BERTA: "Number one:" "He's stupid."" ""Number two:" "Smells like mushroom soup."" ""Number three:" "He dates that desperate chick who..."" ""Number four."" " Walden." " Hey, Bar-Bar." "Is Nicole there?" "Let me see." "I don't know what that means." "I do not understand." "Sorry, Walden." "She's in a beating." "I think you meant "meeting."" "Did I?" "Did I?" "Walden, hi." "Kind of busy." "What's up?" "I have something for you." "Hang on." "I hate that she made me lie." "I love you." "That was weird." "But at least it wasn't a lie." "You didn't wanna come to dinner, so I brought dinner to you." "Oh, great, I am starving." "Barry, it's just for Nicole." "Is it because I lied to you?" "No, it's because I like kissing her just a little bit more." "This is really sweet, but I have so much to do." "Come on!" "My poor housekeeper slaved all day to make us this delicious..." "Note." "That says, "I don't cook." "Love, Berta."" "Well, I brought you wine and cheese, and no freaking corkscrew." "I'll give you five minutes." "Well, appears the music has stopped and I am left without a chair." "I only have six weeks to live." "Okay, that's not true, but it is my birthday!" "It really is my birthday!" "Look, Walden, just because I agreed to do this," "I don't want you to get the wrong idea." "(ENGLISH ACCENT) Well, it's too late." "Once a lady accepts a man's cheese, they must marry." "(ENGLISH ACCENT) But I am betrothed to a goatherd." "(NORMAL VOICE) Is that a smile?" "Are you actually having fun?" "Yes, but I really have to get back to work." " Let me help you." " We tried that." "BARRY:" "Give him a chance." "Barry, what did we talk about?" "Digital boundaries." "Am I the only one feeling a connection here?" "Of course not." "But because of that, you're gonna be a distraction." "Well, I promise to wear a conservative top and to tape down all my fun parts." "All right, I will let you help." "But until we're done, it has to be all work and no play." "Deal." "But you're gonna have to let me tape down your fun parts." "You got this?" "You ready?" "One, two, three, four, five cherries!" "Ta-da!" "Wow, you did that with your tongue?" "Trust me when I tell you, I'm giving you a standing ovation." "Trust me when I tell you, I have an erection." " Isn't she great?" " Yeah, she's great." "So, you work with Larry?" "Do you manage musicians, too?" "No, I'm in talent relations." "Basically, my job is to make sure everyone's happy." "Well, job well done tonight." "I can't remember the last time I had so much fun on a date." "Maybe the problem's you, Jeff." "I don't think so." "I think you're yummy." "Well, I have been using a coconut body butter." "Didn't I tell you these two would hit it off?" "Next stop, couples trip to wine country!" "Can't wear a thong bikini in wine country." "Cabo, it is!" "You should wear a thong, sweetie." "Another great idea." "Oh, I just got invited to a party in the Hills tonight." "You guys wanna go?" " ALAN AND LARRY:" "Yes!" " LYNDSEY:" "No!" "Come on, aren't you having fun?" "Look, if you don't wanna go, I can give the guys a ride to the party." "Jeff in the front." "Larry in the rear." "It'll be tight, but we can make it work." "Oh, I don't think it'd be that tight." "No, I'm going to the party." "Let's just give it a minute." "Crowd's still on its feet." "(SOFT PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)" "Wow, looks like we're overdressed." " I can fix that." " Gwen!" "Yeah, come on." "It's a swingers' party!" "All right, let's do this thing!" "(THUNDER)" " It's like a hundred degrees in here." " Yeah, right?" " I've got frozen peas in my crotch." " What?" "I got a bag of frozen peas, and I put them down my pants." "It's delightful." "You know what?" "This is ridiculous." "We gotta be able to fix this radiator." "I've got a call in." "They're coming out tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "Come on!" "We've got three geniuses here." "Yeah, and one of them has frozen peas in his underwear." "What underwear?" "Still, we can make this work." "Yeah, I mean, it's clearly the heat is emanating from this device." "We just need to reboot it." "You say the guy's coming out tomorrow?" "Yes, geniuses." "Now will you help me figure out why this algorithm isn't working?" "Maybe it's on a Java break." "Did you get it?" "Like, Java and Java?" "That joke killed at MIT Open Mic Night." "Oh, yeah, this pointer is undefined." "Oh, right, of course." "So, guess you got it from here." "What are we waiting for?" "I mean, let's just do this." "Really?" "What about Barry?" "He can film it." "What?" "I mean, we're gonna wanna watch it again and again." "You know, maybe even put it on the Internet." "That's a pleasant surprise." "Here, let's test it." "Oh, right, the device." "That's exactly what we were talking about." "Good." "Now, put that on... and stop thinking about sex." "Well, it's harder than it looks." "Well, it's a good thing you taped it down." "Now, the first thing you think will be the first human thought recognized by a computer." "It's not even reading the device." "Oh, you know what?" "I think I know what it is." "If it's any consolation," "I thought she was talking about sex, too." "PS, just throwing this out there." "Totally up for filming." "Let me ask you something." "How do I put this?" "Is there a grow room before the show room?" "There's a blow room." "How about this?" "You said you wanna spice things up." "This seems pretty spicy." "And it sure beats the hell out of couples therapy, huh, Jeff?" "If Lyndsey is uncomfortable, why don't you guys take off?" "Some people can't handle seeing their partner with someone else." "You know what?" "I'm good." "Besides, I've always wanted to sleep with Jeff." "Wait, what?" "You heard me." "Let's do this thing." " I'm gonna go get us some drinks." " I'll come with you." "You're gonna be hearing that a lot tonight." "Isn't this great, Jeff?" "I get to bang Gwen and you get to bang Lyndsey!" "Yeah, that's one way to go." "Um, or I could have sex with Gwen, and you could do whatever the hell you want." "Come on, you telling me when you're nailing someone, you never imagined it was Lyndsey?" "Never once." "You've got the green light, buddy." "This is so exciting." "I haven't had sex with somebody new in a long time!" "Yeah, me neither." "You know, I'm cool with it if you wanna work naked." "There's a reason I didn't respond the first time you said it." "Walden." "(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)" "I need it." "Walden!" " I need it." " What?" "The file you're supposed to send me, I need it." "Oh, yeah, right." "The file, sorry." "(DISTORTED) Is this what you want?" "Nicole, is this what you wanted?" "Huh?" " The file." "It's right here." " Oh, right, yeah." "And let me just... put it in." "Oh, wow." "This really sucks." "We have so much work to do, and all I can think about is you and me." " Got to stop thinking about sex." " How are we gonna do that?" "BARRY:" "Oh, yeah." "(SLOW, DISTORTED) That's what daddy likes." "Yeah, that did it." " Is this seat taken?" " Oh, very funny." "Okay, good news, bad news." "Bad news:" "Larry's with Gwen." "Yeah, not a big surprise." "She's got boobs that could save your life in the event of a water landing." "But the good news is, guess who's got two thumbs and is banging you tonight?" "This guy." "Jeff Probst?" " You ready, babe?" " Oh, yeah." "Wait, what the hell?" "I told you I wanted to sleep with Jeff." " But I'm Jeff." " No, you're Alan." "So what do you say?" "Blow room first?" "If you'd told Larry you were gay, none of this would've happened." "Wait, that guy's not gay?" "Mmm." "Thanks again for the birthday pudding, you guys." "I love pudding." "It's even fun to say." "Pudding." "I'm putting pudding in my mouth." "BARRY (CHUCKLING):" "Oh, my God." "That's funny." "Looks like the birthday weed is kicking in." ""Putting pudding, putting pudding."" "Okay, now I'm gonna switch it up." "See if you can tell the difference." "Pudding putting." "Pudding putting." "Oh, my God." "I got it." "Did you?" "The function, it's recursive." "It keeps getting stuck in the subroutine." " This is it!" " You sure?" "Yeah." "No, check it out." "This is history." "Like Alexander Graham Bell saying, "Watson, come here."" "This is Neil Armstrong saying, "One small step for man."" "This is Walden Schmidt saying..." "Pudding." "Damn it, Barry." "You put "pudding" in my head!" "Pudding putting." "Or "putting pudding."" "I was gonna say, "The future is now."" "The future is now?" "What is this?" "The 1912 World's Fair?" " Excuse me, guys." " What?" "I think the computer just read his thoughts!" " We did it!" " Oh, my God." "We did it!" "It worked." "Yes!" "COMPUTER (FEMALE VOICE):" "Someone's not wearing a bra." " What?" " Stop thinking about sex." "Baseball." "Boobs." "Boobs." "Baseball." "Baseball." " NICOLE (COMPUTER):" "This was a great idea, Walden." "WALDEN (COMPUTER):" "It was." " WALDEN (COMPUTER):" "You're so beautiful." " NICOLE (COMPUTER):" "Thank you." "NICOLE (COMPUTER):" "And you're so handsome." "WALDEN (COMPUTER):" "I am so turned on, Nicole." "NICOLE (COMPUTER):" "So am I." "WALDEN (COMPUTER):" "Uh-oh." "Baseball." "Baseball." "Baseball." "WALDEN (COMPUTER):" "Oh, crap." "NICOLE (COMPUTER):" "Now, I want pudding." "This is gym class all over again." "Last man picked and I have an unwanted boner." "I wouldn't say it's unwanted." "Oh, hello." "Well, looks like it's just you and me." "Yeah, Jeff Probst stole my girlfriend." "Bastard." "He's my grandson." "Wow, I can't believe he'd bring his grandmother to a party like this." "He can't bring me to my own party." " Wait." "Wait, this is your house?" " That's right." "What do you say?" "You wanna go road test this new hip?" "All right, why not?" "Well, we'll start in the grow room." "Oh, this is a beautiful house." "Do you have a guest room?" "(English SDH" " US)"