"If this was a cartoon, you'd look like a ham about now." "There's the waitress." "Excuse me!" " Hello, miss?" " It's Phoebe!" "Okay, will that be all?" "Wait, wait." "What are you doing here?" "I was over there then you said, "Excuse me, miss." So now I'm here." "How come you're working here?" "Because it's close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute." "Can we start over?" "Okay, great." "I'm gonna be over here." "The One With the Two Parts" " Part I" "I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is out of control!" "He keeps erasing the messages on my machine." "Supposedly by accident." "Yeah, I've done that." "And three days in a row, he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword!" "I've never done that." "Now tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister." "I'm saying I see a difference." "They're twins." "I don't care." "Phoebe's Phoebe." "Ursula's hot." "You know that thing when we talk about things?" "Let's not do that anymore." "Hey, Pheebs." "Guess who we saw today?" "Oh, fun!" " Liam Neeson." " No." "Morley Safer." "The woman who cuts my hair!" "This could be a really long game." "Your sister, Ursula." "Oh, really?" "She works at that place..." "Riff's." "Yeah, I know." "You do?" "She said you guys haven't talked in years." "So is she fat?" "Not from where I was standing." "Where were you standing?" "Pheebs, so you guys just don't get along?" "It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know?" "Everyone always thought of her as the pretty one." "She was the first to walk even though I did it later that same day." "To my parents, by then it was, "Yeah, what else is new?"" "I'm sorry." "I've gotta go." "I've got Lamaze class." "And I've got earth science, but I'll catch you in gym?" "Is this just gonna be you and Carol?" "Susan will be there too." "We've got dads, we've got lesbians." "The whole parenting team." "Isn't that gonna be weird?" "It might have been at first but now I'm comfortable with the situation." "That's my jacket." "I know." "We're the Rostens." "I'm J.C. And he's Michael." "And we're having a boy and a girl." "Good for you!" "Alrighty, next?" "I'm Ross Geller." "And that's my boy in there." "And this is Carol Willick, and this is Susan Bunch." "Susan is Carol's..." "Who's next?" "Sorry, Susan is...?" " Susan is Carol's friend." " Life partner." "Like buddies." "Like lovers." "You know how close women can get." " Susan and I live together." " I was married to her." " Carol, not me." " It's a little complicated." " But we're fine." " Absolutely." "So, twins!" "That's like two birds." " To you too, Helen!" "Nina Bookbinder is here to see you." "Okay, send her in." " Come on in." " You wanted to see me?" "I was just going over your data." "You've been postdating your Friday numbers." "Which is bad, because...?" "It throws my WENUS out of whack." "Excuse me?" "WENUS." "Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics." "Right." "Gotcha, gotcha." "Won't happen again." "I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your WENUS." "It's not just that she's cute, okay?" "It's just that she's really, really cute." "It doesn't matter." "You don't dip your pen in the company ink." "Ross." "Your little creature's got the remote again." "Marcel, give Rossy the remote." "Marcel!" "Marcel, you give Rossy the remote right now!" "You give Rossy the remote..." " Great." " Relax." "I'll fix it." "Oh, cool." "Urkel in Spanish is Urkel." "How did he do this?" "Is leaving the Christmas lights up your plan to keep us merry all year long?" "Someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's but obviously someone forgot!" "Someone was supposed to write:" ""Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the refrigera..." "How long has that been there?" "Where you been?" "Riff's." "I think Ursula likes me." "All I ordered was coffee." "She brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries." "Score." "She is so hot!" "Okay, before you do anything Joey-like you might want to run it by..." "Pheebs?" "Would it be okay if I asked out your sister?" "Why?" "Why would you want to do that?" "Why?" "So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there." "Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know whatever." "And I mean, it's true, we were one egg once." "But, you know, we've grown apart, so..." "I don't know." "Why not?" "Cool." "Thanks." "You okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Do you wanna watch "Laverne y Shirley"?" "Sorry." "Sorry I'm late." "Where's Carol?" "Stuck at school." "Some parent-teacher thing." "You can go." "I'll get the information." "No, I think I should stay." "We should both know what's going on." "Oh, good." "This will be fun." "We're gonna start with some basic third-stage breathing exercises." "Mommies, get on your back." "And, coaches, you should be supporting Mommy's head." " What?" " What?" "I'm supposed to be the mommy?" "Okay, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time." "I have to miss out on the coaching training because I'm a woman?" "So what do you propose to do?" " I'll flip you for it." " Flip me for it?" "Heads, heads, heads!" "On your back, Mom!" "All right, Mommies, take a nice, deep, cleansing breath." "Good." "Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower." "Mr. Dee!" "How's it going, sir?" "It's been better." "The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in." "It's pretty ugly." "We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the '70s." "What's it mean?" "We'll be laying off people." "I know I was late last week." "I slept funny and my hair was snarly." "Not you." "Relax." "Ever have to fire anyone?" "Nina..." "Nina." "Are you okay?" "Yes." "Yes, I am." "Listen, the reason that I called you in here today was..." "Please don't hate me." "What?" "Would you like to have dinner sometime?" "So, what do you want for your birthday?" "What I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me." "Let me put it this way." "Anything from Crabtree  Evelyn?" "Bath salts would be nice!" "Good." "What is this place?" "You're cold, I have to pee, and there's coffee." "How bad could it be?" "I think we have an answer." "What's she doing here?" "This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home." " Think she got fired at Riff's?" " No, we were there last night." "She kept bringing swordfish." "Are you gonna go...?" "I'll wait until we order." "It's her, right?" "It looks like her." "Excuse me?" "Hi, it's us!" "Right." "And it's me!" "So you're here too?" "As much as you are." "Your turn." "We know what we want." "That's good." " Two caffe lattes." " And some biscotti cookies." "Good choice." "It's definitely her." "I can't believe you." "You still haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job?" "You still haven't taken down the Christmas lights." "Congratulations!" "I think you found the world's thinnest argument." "Trying to find the right moment." "That shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating." ""Sweetheart, you're fired." "But how about a quickie before I go to work?"" "Once you're inside, you don't have to knock anymore." "I'll get it." "Hi, Mr. Heckles." "You're doing it again." "We're not doing anything." "We're just sitting around talking quietly." "I can hear you through the ceiling." "My cats can't sleep." "You don't even have cats." "I could have cats." "Goodbye, Mr. Heckles." "We'll try to keep it down." "Phoebe, can you do me a favor?" "Try this on to make sure it fits." "My first birthday present!" "Oh, this is really..." "It's for Ursula." "I just figured, you know, size-wise." "Sure." "Yeah." "Okay, it fits." "Are you seeing her again?" "Yep, Ice Capades." "This is serious." "I've never known you to pay money for any kind of "capade"." "I don't know." "I like her." "She's different." "There's something about her..." "That you like." "We get it." "You like her." "Phoebe, I asked you and you said it was okay." "Well, maybe now it's not okay." "Well, maybe now I'm not okay with it not being okay." "Knit, good woman." "Knit!" "Knit!" "And that's the Chrysler Building right there." "Mr. Douglas." "Cool tie." "She's still here." "Yes." "Yes, she is." "Didn't I memo you?" "After I let her go, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen Dr. Flanan, Dr. Flan." "And he informed me that she took the news rather badly." "In fact, he mentioned the word "frenzy"." "She seems so..." "Oh, no, no." "Nina?" "She's..." "In fact, if you asked her now she'd have no recollection of being fired at all." "That's unbelievable." "And yet believable." "So I decided not to fire her again until I'm sure she will be of no threat to herself or others." "I see." "You never really know what's going on inside a person's head." "Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir." "The sound Mom and Dad will never forget." "For this, after all, is the miracle of birth." "Lights, please." "And that's having a baby." "Next week is our final class." "Susan, go deep." "It's impossible." "It's just impossible." "What is, honey?" "What that woman did." "I am not doing that!" "It'll have to stay in, that's all." "Everything will be the same." " It'll just stay in." " Carol, honey." " Everything will be all right." " What do you know?" "No one's saying to you, "Hi, is that your nostril?" "Mind if we push this pot roast through it?" "!"" "Carol, sweetie." "Cleansing breath." "I know it's frightening." "But big picture:" "The birth part is just one day and when it's over, we'll all be parents for the rest of our lives." "I mean, that's what this is all about, right?" "Ross?" "Ross." "I'm gonna be a father." " This is just occurring to you?" " I knew I was having a baby." "I just never realized the baby was having me." "You're gonna be great." "How could you say that?" "I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bathmat." "How will I raise a kid?" "You know, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different." " Where are you going?" " Out." "With...?" "Can I just ask you one question?" "Have you two, you know, like, you know?" "You know?" "Yet?" "Not that it's any of your business but no, we haven't." "You meant sex, right?" " Do you have a sec?" " Sure, Nina." "What's up?" "For the past few days, people have been avoiding me and giving me strange looks." "Oh, well, maybe that's because they're jealous of us." "Maybe." "But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors." "Well, maybe that's because you're getting a big raise!" " I am?" " Sure." "Why not?" "Oh, my God!" "You're amazing!" "Oh, you don't know." "Helen, make sure we do the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise." "You still want me to send her psychological profile to personnel?" "Helen drinks." "Will you marry me?" " I ended up telling her everything." " How'd she take it?" "Pretty well." "Except for the stapler thing." "Little tip." "If you're ever in a similar situation never, ever leave your hand on the desk." "Okay, I think I get how to do this." "Can we turn this off?" "Can we make them go away?" "Because I can't watch." "They're gone." "Are you all right?" "Yeah." "It's just this whole stupid Ursula thing." "Okay, can I ask...?" "So he's going out with her." "Is it really so terrible?" "Yeah." "I mean, I'm not saying she's evil or anything." "She's just, you know, always breaking my stuff." "When I was 8, I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos so she threw it under the bus." "And then there's Randy Brown who was like..." "Have you ever had a boyfriend who was your best friend?" "Well, but that's what he was for me." "And she, you know, kind of stole him away and then broke his heart." "And then he wouldn't even talk to me anymore." "He didn't want to be around anything that looked like either one of us." "I mean, I know Joey's not my boyfriend or my thermos or anything, but..." " You won't lose him." " You gotta talk to Joey." "Yeah, okay." "He doesn't know this stuff." "If he knew how you felt..." "He's falling in love with her." "They've been going out a week." "They haven't even slept together yet." "I mean, that's not serious." "May we help you?" "What are you doing?" "It's freezing!" "Would you come inside?" "No, no, no." "You wanted me to take them down so I'm taking them down, okay?" "Rachel!" "I'm okay." "I'm okay." "Mr. Heckles?" "Mr. Heckles, could you help me, please?" "This is just the kind of thing I was talking about."