"So." "Jack. you're still coming with me to pick up my new DVD player. right?" "Oh my God. is that today?" "What do I have today?" "Um..." "What exactly are you looking at?" "Oh." "I'm just going over my schedule." "Uh... nope. sorry." "can't squeeze you in." "I mentioned that with DVD you can watch porn from any angle?" "Oh." "look my schedule just opened up." "Hmm." "I wonder what's in the paper today?" "Let's see." "War. famine... the computer I bought a month ago is now half the price." "and on the front page of the Arts section-- oh my God. it's me!" " Let me see." " Will." "Will." "Will-- buy me a computer." "I want one in tangerine to match the shoes you're going to get me later." "I think you missed the point of Grace's entrance." "Let me see that." "Uh... "From Warehouse to Our House." "the Transformation of a Tribeca Loft."" " Get to me. get to me!" " Oh. yeah. all right." ""Manhattan interior designer Grace Adler. 26--"" "Must have been a typo." "More like a lie-o." "Grace. this is great." "There's a picture and everything." " Look at that gorgeous face." " Look at the leather pants." "Look at those massive jugs." "Yeah. what's going on there?" "What are you talking about?" "My... jugs." "look exactly like they do in the picture." "They definitely don't." "No." "I mean these are like five times the size." "Maybe it was the angle the photograph was taken." "You know." "King Kong was only eight inches tall." "See look." "let me show you." "Here-- and I'm a gay man." "so this means nothing." "This is how big yours are. see?" "Whereas the picture gives the illusion of like. this-ness." " You're crazy." " Grace." "let me see now." "I am also a gay man." "so this means nothing." "Yeah." "Will's right." "these are definitely smaller." "Oh my God." "I just got to second with Grace." "I guess they do look a little huge-esque." "Do me." "See how big mine are." " Jack. no." " Come on. you got felt up." "Okay. but I'm a straight woman." "so this means nothing." "Okay." "Someone's been working out." "Guilty." "Hey. hey." "Gracie. while you're giving it away over there. you know?" " Huh?" " Now these are some knockers." "Thank you." "Okay. this just got weird." "( theme music playing )" "Hi." "Oh." "Iook. it's the dynamic duo." "Oh. and Will." "So. you've seen the picture?" "Yeah. honey." "what happened there?" "Oh." "Grace." "you got a call from a guy." "it was about a person." "or a place. or a thing." "It was something." "Okay. that's a start." "We know a human being called regarding a noun." "Oh. devil." "I wrote it down here somewhere." "Let's see. what was l-- oh." "I was putting on my face when-- oh. there it is. there." "John Gregorio called?" "Oh my God. no way." "He's such a fox!" "Good Lord. a pack of cigs and a pregnancy scare and this could be high school." "John Gregorio was high school for me." "Even though he wouldn't give me the time of day." "Anyway." "I heard he's an artist now. he must have-- he must have seen the article and liked what I did with the loft." "Yeah. the loft." "Gotta be the loft." "Hey. the guy is an artist." "he was just responding to an aesthetic." "Yeah. the aesthetic of your giant hooters." "Will is right. honey." "Mr. High School called because he thinks you're stacked." "Now. if you actually were." "you would understand the effect that they have on men." "but alas." "Mother Nature did not bless you as she did me." "Said the woman whose frown lines were filled with ass fat." " Bye bye." " Grace:" "Bye." " I'm gonna call him." " All right. don't be too chatty." "just make your breasts sound big." "John?" "Hi. it's Grace Adler." "How are you?" "It has been a really long time." "Yes. yes. that was a loft I did about a month ago." "I'm very proud of it." "Oh. yes. that was me in the picture." " Bingo." " What?" "Oh." "I would love to." "Yes, I know exactly where it is." "Okay." "( hangs up phone )" "He's part of a group show at the Zellman Gallery." "and he invited me." " What?" " He thinks you've got big melons." "So. if I were you." "Grace." "I would figure out a way to turn those "honey don'ts" into some "honey do's."" "Jack. can I get some help here. please?" "I think I'm gonna bring back paisley." "That's so funny that you mentioned paisley because-- do something!" "I think you're sitting on the remote." " Why is there an earring in your sofa?" " It's probably Grace's." "It looks just like the skull earring I gave my old boyfriend Walter." "Uh-- well." "I don't" " It looks like a pretty common skull." "I had a "W" engraved on it." "you know. for "Walter."" "Isn't that sweet?" "Oh." "Iook. this one has an "M."" "J-Jack. it's not what you think." "You fooled around with my Walter." "Okay. it is what you think." "But-- but." "Jack!" "Jack. he wasn't your Walter at the time." "You know." "I mean." "you'd broken up long ago." "You know he was-- he was..." "Walter-up-for-grabs." "So l" " I grabbed. you know?" " How could you?" " I-- it was one time." "Commandment number one in the Gay Bible:" "Thou shalt not covet my ex's ass." "Jack-- is that from the Book of Gene-sissy?" "That is so funny." "That's it. goodbye." " Jack." "Jack?" " Sinner!" "Well. you couldn't be that angry." "you barely even slammed the door." "Hey. honey. how you makin' out with the fake boobies?" "This is crazy." "I don't need this." "Yeah. whatever. honey." "just bring out the floating' fun bags." "See?" "This is ridiculous." "I look like a ski resort." "Look at you. honey." "Look." "look." "look." "You're all grown up." "Oh..." "Leave it to a man to invent a bra filled with water." "Come on. everybody in your condition wears them." "They make objects appear larger than they really are." "Okay. now let's buy that puppy and get the hell out of here." "No. no." "I don't want this." "I don't want lingerie that a gold fish could live in." "Look." "I feel completely comfortable the way I am." " John likes me for me." " ( Karen laughing )" "Oh. honey." "I'm tellin' ya." "you should do stand up." "That's good." "Karen. he does." "Yeah. okay." "Well. then let me ask you one question." "Um. did John Gregorio have a girlfriend in high school?" "Yeah." "Judy Lombardozzi." "Judy Lombardozzi." "Okay. and let me guess." "was her nickname. um..." ""Slutty Big Boobs"?" "No." "It was Judy "Lombar-look-at-d'em-dozies."" "I'll take one in every color." "( elevator bell rings )" "Hi. how are you?" "What?" "Where have you been?" "I've been trying to call you all day." "Oh. what a coincidence." "I've been trying to ignore you all day." "That is so funny." "And you might want to talk to your wife about the quality of her snacks." "There's nothing in her fridge but batteries and mayonnaise." "See ya. wouldn't want to be ya." "You're stealing food from her now?" "I'm hurt." " You're hurt?" " Jack. come on. give me a break." "I left 32 "I'm sorrys" on your answering machine." "And even one "I'm saw-wy."" "Come on." "I just shopped at Balducci's." "I'll go in." "But only to grab a Balance Bar and some chicken. then I've gotta go." " Jack" " Excuse me. in a rush." "I meeting Rory at the Mandy Bar." "You remember Rory." "Yeah. he's the friend that never slept with any of my boyfriends." "Jack. if I'm supposed to stay away from every guy you've ever slept with." "that would leave me with..." "women." "For your information." "Will." "Walter was the love of my life." "Oh. you've said that about each Backstreet Boy at one time or another." "Besides. you guys only went out for what. a month?" "Yeah. and then he dumped me." "You remember what that feels like. huh?" "It hurts." "I had no idea." "You never mentioned it." "Oh. how often do you talk about Michael?" "Oh. that's right. all the time." "because you're so self-absorbed." "But me." "I don't wear my heart on my sleeve." "Okay." "I get it." "I screwed up." "What-- what is this gonna cost me?" "Not much." "Just a friend." "Jack" "I know you're not that angry 'cause you didn't slam the door." "Slam the door." "Jack." "Jack?" "Oh." "I'm so sorry that I'm late." "But l" "Hello. kitties." " What's with that?" " It's a Hydra Bra." "Water-filled for extra perkiness." "You would not believe the day I've had." "Guys whistling at me." "shouting lewd comments." "It was fantastic." "Sweetie. you don't need those." "You're perfect." "Yeah. but. you know." "I just-- I wanted to look good for John." "Hey. all I'm saying is you do what you have to do to make yourself feel a little more attractive." "Well." "I just want to go on record as saying it is wrong to lie." "By the way." "I told Jack that Cher is gonna be here tonight." "Cher's here." "No." "No." "I just told him that so he'd come here to meet Walter." " Who's Walter?" " I told you this" "God. do the boobs make you dumber?" "I'm gonna go look at myself in the mirror again." "Cher?" "Cher?" "Cher!" "Hi!" "Oh. sorry." "Where is she?" "What's she wearing?" "Gypsies." "tramps and thieves..." "Jack." "Jack." "Jack." "She's not here yet." "Now just calm down and have an hors d'oeuvre." "Hey. don't get so chummy." "I ain't sure I'm liking you yet." "Karen. watch." "Welcome to my world. honey." "And thank you for inviting me." "No. but seriously." "Karen." "I mean. you just-- you really took an interest and I want to tell you how much I appreciate it." "Well." "Grace. you know. we joke a lot." "but when you get right down to it" " There's John. get lost." " Ahh!" "Grace Adler." "I can't believe it." "I'm so glad you came." " Me too." " Wow." "Look at you." "John Gregorio." "Look." "I got to go play host for a few minutes." "I'll find you." "We'll be here." "I'll be here." "Oh my God." "I think he likes me." " Thank you so much." "Karen." " Okay. okay." "Push me again and you die." "Oh. oh wait. honey." "I think you're caught on my brooch." "Oh." "I got it." "Okay. there you go." "Oh my gosh." "his art is amazing." "Look at that." "Oh my God." " Will. what are you doing?" " I think you've sprung a leak." "What are you talking about?" "I haven't been with a woman in some time." "but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to do that." "Oh my God." "Good Lord. why don't you two get a room?" "Oh my God. okay." "just start walking. okay?" "Okay. we've got to get out of here before we see" "John!" "Hi!" "Hi." "Old friend. haven't seen him in a long time." "So." "John. how's your show?" "Will." "I got this." " Good luck." " Okay." "I" " I didn't get a chance to give you a proper hello." "Did you get some champagne?" "No. no. but that's okay." "that's okay." "Oh. no. you gotta have a glass." "It's my opening." "Thank you." "To old friends. who should have gotten together earlier." "What are you doing?" "Why are you drinking like that?" "Oh. it's just-- it's just..." "I'm just" "I'm just blown away by your-- by your watercolors." "It's just like whoa!" " Will you excuse me for just one" " Wait a second." "Why are you trying to get away from me?" "Okay." "John." "I'm gonna be honest with you." "We live in a deeply patriarchal society." "in which women are unfairly judged by-- ugh." "My boobies are fake." "And broken." "I'm wearing the Hydra Bra." "Why?" "Why would you do that?" "Well." "I just-- the picture made me look... you know. and I thought that you would maybe like it because." "I mean. after all you did go out with Judy Lombardozzi." "Judy Lombardozzi had a beautiful soul." "Come on. give me a little credit." "I mean." "Grace." "I called you because I thought you were talented and creative." "I am talented and creative." "Did you see the way that I drank the champagne?" "I'm sorry." "Grace." "but I'm looking to be with somebody who's a little more secure and a little less shallow." "Hello." "You look like you have a beautiful soul." "Hey. that's not my soul you're looking at." "I think you improved them." "You know. they're moodier." "I'm glad you like them. 'cause you're getting them for Christmas." " How you feeling?" " Mmm." "A little deflated." "Oh God. what was I thinking?" "I look fine the way I am." "Why didn't you believe me when I said that?" "Well. 'cause you're too close." "You're gay." "You're my best friend." "You're gay." "You love me." " You're gay." " Hey. hey. hey." "There was a time when I was a boob man." "Of course it ended when my mom switched to formula." "Okay. it's 10:00 and no Cher." "Unless you can turn back time." "I'm very. very angry." "Jack. she's not coming." "I told you that to get you down here." "Hmm." "Okay. just give me a minute here." "How dare you play the Cher card?" "And why do I keep falling for it?" "How dare you?" "I know." "I know. but I've got something that's going to make you even happier." "Inconceivable." "Fool me once." "shame on me." "Fool me twice... you're thinning on top." "Goodbye." "Jack." "Jack." "I tracked down Walter." "He's coming here tonight." "Shut up." "What did he say?" "He said that he's still single." "and he's still living in New York." "and... he's dying to see you." "Shut up. shut up." "Oh my God. you're the best friend in the world." "And he just walked in." "How do I look?" "Am I swimming in these pants 'cause they're yours." "You look fine." "Jack." "Okay. now go get him and bring him to me." "Bring him to-- what is this 1810?" " Walter?" " Hi." "Will." " Hey." " Hey." "Jack. sorry I'm late." " Walter." " Wow. you look great." "Thank you. so do you." "Would you just excuse us." "just for a second?" " What?" " That's Walter?" "Yeah. the love of your life." "Okay. don't get angry at me." "but I was totally thinking of somebody else." "( theme music playing )"