"This is the "bounty hunter" skit." "He's the bounty and I'm the hunter." "Can you keep an eye on him for a second, if I'm inside here?" "Just relax." "Just relax for a minute." "Keep an eye on him?" "Come on, don't just stand there." "Hey!" "Give me a hand?" "Can one of you guys give me a hand with this clown?" " Stop!" " Shut up!" "You guys got some id on you?" " Everything's totally in the van." " Totally in the van?" "You just can't cuff a man like this." "You're disturbing the peace." "He's a friend of mine." "I don't believe you guys." "You look like a couple of lunatics." " Are you with these guys?" " Yeah, we're doing a thing for MTV." " You got a permit?" " l don't have a permit." " You got id?" " l don't have id on me." "I don't believe you guys." "What the hell is this?" " Where are you guys from anyway?" " Los Angeles." "For now, you'll have to go down to the station with me." " Where are these guys going?" " Downtown." "Get in the car." "Bad news." "You're under arrest for impersonating an officer." "And you for disturbing the peace." "That's a possible warrant." "A felony?" "They're gonna take me to jail." "It doesn't happen like this on "Cops"." "By the way... I'm Johnny Knoxville." "Welcome to "Jackass"." " You son of a bitch!" " Motherf***er!" "You gave me a heart attack!" "That was so good!" "This is the Abe Lincoln "beard of leeches"." "Hey, get him!" "Will you get him off my crotch?" "Should I lay down?" "I might have an Abe Lincoln mole of leeches!" ""Four score and seven years ago," ""our fathers founded upon this continent, a new nation," ""conceived of liberty and dedicated to the proposition" ""that all men are created equal." ""We are now..." ""We are now engaged in a civil war" ""to test whether this nation or any nations" ""so conceived and dedicated can long endure."" "Watch my mouth!" ""Liberate." "Penetrate."" "And boy, can I masturb..." "Get it out of my ear!" "I think you left off at "penetrate"." "That was a hairball of leeches!" "This is my new contraption and it's gonna work!" "This is "ice barrel jumping"." "One barrel?" "Crap!" "It's like we're amateurs." "I can do four." "Three is my unlucky number." "Come on, dude." "Let's go!" " Did you hurt your unit?" " l hurt my nuts!" "I know you guys want me to eat s**t, but that's not gonna happen." "That's all I was waiting for." "That's what I needed to see." "I wanna see people eating crap!" "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is my father, Phil." "Today, we're going to watch my nephew Dusty pass wind." " Do I drop my pants now?" " Drop 'em." "I'll mike him up good." " Oh, Lord!" " l think I got the wrong angle here." "You need to duck-tape some of that hair off your ass." " He's already started." " Wait, not yet." " Don't start yet." " Put it closer in there." " ls that all you got?" " No, it's like I'm having a crap." "If you got to, you got to." " How's the view from back there?" " The view's great." "I've been to three World Fairs and four goat-screwings and I ain't never seen nothin' like this!" "Hey, Mom!" "Come here for a second." " Mom!" "Come here for one second." " l can't." " Oh, my God!" " Look, it's running down his ass!" "He pooed his pants!" " Good Lord!" "is that it for you, Dad?" " That's it for me!" "Did you crap on the mike?" "Lynne, you need to get some toilet paper." "Come on, go get it." "He's your son!" "Go get it." "He's right there." "I'll show it to you." "There." "There it is." "Please God, no!" "OK, take it towards the bathroom." " Let's see." " You wanna sniff?" " You wanna sniff?" " God!" "Don't even think about touching that... lt's gone." ""Bottle skating"." "It's not a bottle!" "When you ask for these, what do you ask for?" "Bottles, right?" "That's a bottle?" "Bottles are made out of glass. lt's a jug." "Did I go a couple?" "I hurt my knee!" "What have you got?" " A water bottle." " lt's not a bottle, it's a jug!" "That was really good!" "My job on this show is to be naked." "Not kill myself." "This sucks so bad!" "I'm so bummed right now." "I don't want to do this." " Does bunny need a hug?" "Come on." " Can I have one too?" "Today, me and Ehren are riding down an enormous hill on this horrible tandem bike that has no brakes." "We're dead!" "That's the only bush Ehren's been in in months." "Oh, my God!" "That was so f***ed up!" "Oh, man!" "Son of a bitch." "God!" "Oh, God!" "Son of a bitch!" "God, why me?" "Son of a bitch!" "God!" "Excuse me a minute." "Oh, God!" "Crap!" "Oh, my goodness!" "God!" "Damn!" "Oh, man!" "Oh, man!" "Son of a bitch!" "He hit me right in the chin." "I'll see you at the office." "These documents need to be done on time." " l can't believe he's making that." " He's rocking it out, dude." "Today we're going to a sperm bank for the first Jackass "Spermathon"." "The events which the contestants will be judged will be sperm count, potency of the sperm, volume and speed." "Let the games begin." "Stephanie will be our nurse today." "She'll transport the samples from the contestant to another nurse." "Now we're going to draw the names to see who goes first." "All right, first?" "Preston." "I have the pole position, which is an advantage in this situation." "I have to set the pace time." "That might be hard." "I can handle it." "My dad was a Marine Corps champion." "Since one of the events today will be a speed round, who can deliver the fastest," "Loomis will have a stopwatch to time the entrance from the point they walk in to the point they walk out." "This is yours." "We'll see you in a few minutes." "I just need to frisk you first." " What's that?" " That's a little pee." "All right, you're clean." "You're supposed to put it through there, fool!" " Time?" " 5 minutes and 50 seconds." "I'm a little nervous because I'm with a bunch of dudes." "I don't think I can do it around these guys." "See you later." " Did you walk in there erect?" " lt was kinda hard." "It was more minutes getting it up than getting it out." "We're at 1 1 and a half minutes." "We're bound to be here all day." "Come on, Kosick!" " Time?" " 1 3 minutes, 29 seconds." "I wonder if that's a bad thing or good thing in the long run?" "Good luck." "Break a leg!" "I wonder if they can smell each other when they go in there?" "It doesn't look like much." "I couldn't get it up. I'm tired." "Johnny "Pisces" Knoxville." "I got to tell you, I've got a secret weapon for speed." ""American Grizzly"." " Thank you." " Put it in the drawer when you're done." "Read the instructions over the sink!" "Look at you." "Gross!" "I feel kinda weird being in the same... I've got to come to terms with my sexuality." "I've got to know what I'm all about." "It's got hair in it." " How long was that?" " 6 minutes, 9 seconds." "I'm in second." " Wee Man, are you ready?" " Yeah!" "Follow Nurse Stephanie." " Here I go." " Have a good time!" "I was not even half half-cocked." " lt was like wet spaghetti." " Yeah, it was terrible." "I heard Wee Man giggling outside." "That wasn't helping anybody!" "6 minutes, 5 seconds." "Not much, but it's something." "I've got dirty stuff in my mind." "I'm ready." "Have you been shaving your chest?" "Yeah, I did, because Manny does." "Success!" " Every last drop!" " 1 0 minutes, 52 seconds." " Doesn't look like much." " lt's on the sides." "It's moving!" "I'm gonna be so bummed when they announce my STDs." "Here comes the doctor with the results." " Who's Johnny?" " That's me." " You're the last." " l got the lowest count?" "You're the worst." "Not far behind is Preston." "Who's Chris and Rick?" "It's 1 1 8." "And Rick, who's Rick?" "You give him this. lt's 1 44." "Rick's got good sperm." "Now he's got to find someone to put it in." "I'm Dave, and this is "full pipe skating"." " Going to the airport?" " LAX?" "Can you help me with my other bag?" "My back is bad." "Today, I'm going to do a little "snow surfing"." "You were so heavy coming down!" "Excuse me." "Hi, I'm Steve-O and this is the "crapper sled"." "What are you doing?" "I'm done with this, seriously." "Fine, pick him up yourself if you're so sick of it." " You make me sick." " l'm done." "Help me!" "is anybody there?" "Now get in there!" "My face in the pee?" "They're loving this." "It's going way faster..." "His head's all over the urine!" "That was so perfect." "The dog peed right in there!" " Stop, please." "Don't do this." " Come on, dude." " Just give him a kiss." " One kiss." "Knock it off!" "My tongue slayed his ear." "Brace yourself." "Just stay loose." "Get him out of here." "He's a maniac!" "Hi, we're "snow tubing"." "It's awesome." "Doggy style!" "I'm Ryan Dunn." "This is a stupid idea rolling down a hill." "Let him go." " Are you all right?" " l told you that was a bad idea." "I can't even see. I didn't even go far." "This is called "nutball"." "It's a game I used to play as a young boy, frolicking with my friends." "The object is to sit across the room from one another and loft this racquetball in the air." "Whoever can't take getting hit in the bullseye any more loses, the other gentleman being the victor." "OK, resume play." "That was a bouncer!" "I don't have as much dong to protect me. I'm all balls!" "He got the weener!" "That's a bouncer, though." "It hurts, but it resonates nicely." " l gotta knock out Johnny fast." " l'm the crafty veteran." "Let me move over to this side." "I lose!" "Nutball's cool for me, dude!" "This is to see who has to play with Steve-O, throwing the bone across the room, which weighs 4 or 5lbs!" "Let's see what this next one is." "I have eliminated every last competitor." "Now I'm drawing from the bowl to see, once the stakes are high, who gets annihilated by the bone." "That would be Ehren." "Steve-O's the winner." "Chris, can you see the bug on my lens?" " Yeah." " Why don't you kiss him?" "Eat him?" "I'm a vegetarian." " Did you eat him?" " l swallowed him up." "He flew away!" "You want fun?" "This is way more fun than snowboarding!" "Come on, Kosick. lt's one of the last shows." "Shave your head." "You look good bald already, you know that." " Should I shave my head?" " Of course he should." "You know what he does?" "He gets bald and then he puts the toupée on." "Then he bends over and it falls off in front of people." "There's the skit." "He needs a massage on the scalp." "If you want to back out, that's fine." " Does that hurt?" " That's it." "We've got to get Kosick a nice toupée." " ls this right?" " Perfect." " lt doesn't feel like it fits." " lt fits perfect." "Excuse me." "I'm chef Dave and this is the omelette." "I want everyone not in a suit back against the wall so Dave can make an omelette." "Let's start out with the onion." "Those are always good to start the day with." "Lot of vitamins." "You don't need a knife, the way we're going to cook today." "All the vegetables were washed ahead of time to ensure cleanliness." "Little bit of tomato." "Always remove all stickers." "Can't go wrong with mushrooms." "They go in any omelette." "You might want to go with blood-born sausages." "They're the best." "Get them while they're hot." "These are cold, fake sausages." "Different colours and varieties." "You want a rainbow in front of you when it's time to eat." "Next up, we need some butter in there." "It lubricates the whole meal." "Not yet." "Milk adds to the fluffiness of the omelette." "How much cheese do you use?" "Depends how much you like it." "How much do I like cheese?" "A lot." "Today, we're going to make a three-egg omelette." "Down the hatch." "Bottoms up." "Cooking is such a pleasure." "That's not going to make much of an omelette, is it?" "We need an extra one." "There we go." "Get a good shot of that, man." "That's what I call a good-sized omelette." "It's coming along nicely." "Johnny, can you smell that through that suit?" "It's completely enticing." "Take the final temperature. 1 60." "See how the milk brings a fluffy quality to it?" "It looks like we're done." "It ended up more of a scramble, I like scramble." "Omelettes are my favourite though." "Sorry there's not an extra plate." "I'd love to offer you some." "I love to start my day with this." "Would you like some?" "That wraps our show up this week." "Next week: pizza!" "We're going to do "bloody windshield" today and it will need to be broken." "Oh, that's bad!" "I think that's good." " Can you help me clean this off?" " We don't car wash." "There's a cop." "One second." "Oh, man, my parole officer is not going to like this." " lt was a dog?" " Yeah...dog." "My stomach is f***ked up, man." "Thanks a lot, man." "You really helped me out." "I just hit something." "Can you give me a hand wash?" "It's very suspicious, letting him go through your carwash like that." "Let's go. I gotta go!" "I need some water to get this off." "I had an accident." " What's that?" " l don't know." " ls this from you?" " No." "Sir?" "Dude, they're calling the cops." "Ever since puberty, I've dreamed of posing for "Playgirl"." "Today we're taking my vanity shots." "Hopefully, I'll be accepted." "I'm not gay." "Some guys think because you're lubing a guy down, you're gay." "It's enhancing his look." "It makes him look better." "Lay out on the chair like you're getting a suntan." " That's good." " Tell him what you want." "I don't know what to do." "I've never photographed a man naked." " This is so gross!" " Get one with the finger in the mouth?" "No, that's good." "Go with it." "Shoot pictures." "Soles together." "And your arms over your head." "We can..." "Sorry." " Go like this." " That's perfect." "Make-up!" "This is the sort of thing you don't want in a photo shoot." "Most can be taken care of in Photoshop." "This brings it down a bit." "A lot of times you get frustrated with these long make-up jobs." "The photographer/subject relationship is a little tense right now." " Why are you shooting this?" " Shut up!" "Hold your finger up like it's a gun." "Wrap your legs over and put your arm behind your head." "We want bunny ears." "I'm lucky to have such a strong staff behind me, with ideas for the shot." "Get on your knees, Chris." "Big look for the camera." " Rick, you've got to get in there." " The tree fell down." "It's OK, dudes." "We're shooting for "Playgirl"." "All right, bye." "I just got off the phone with "Playgirl" magazine." "Apparently, I'm not what they're looking for." "In my left hand, I have some pudding." "In my right hand, I have a diaper." "When combined I have poo diaper." "Have you guys got anything to eat, left over from lunch?" "I didn't even get lunch today." "Sorry, dude." "I'm hungry." "That's a diaper." "I'm so hungry." "That's a diaper, homeboy." "I'm so hungry." " What are you doing?" " Riding bikes." "The condiments." "You sick..." "Mustard!" "Help me!" "We're back in California at the Gary Leffew Bull Riding School for the "backwards bull ride"." "F**k riding this one backwards!" "Go on, Shorty, go on!" "You wanna do this?" " He didn't seem to like that." " lt's easier than hell to ride him." " ls it going to be that bull?" " Same bull, yeah." "I hope they pay you a lot to do this." " You can't tell me it didn't look cool." " No, it looked good." "Pull down on the side there, by the reins." "When do I go down?" "Like that?" "Drop down a little bit at a time." "Drop your feet down." " Drop my feet?" " Right beside his neck." "Get your foot out of the gate." "Put it in there with him." "Get ready, buddy." "Ready?" "Wait, I'm not ready!" "Get your feet down." "All the way." "Let's go!" "That wasn't eight seconds!" "I've got to see the replay on that." "You rode him perfect." "My goods are bouncing up and down on his back!" "What's in the canister we're using?" "What we're using is liquid argon." "It's an inert gas, which will displace oxygen in the air." "If it displaces oxygen, are we in any danger inside the car?" "Since you numb nuts closed the windows, yes, we are in danger." " l'm Rake Yohn." " l'm Johnny Knoxville." "This is a "chemical spill"." "Excuse me, sir, can you stand back?" "We got a problem here." "We need a clean-up team." "We're in a junkyard in downtown LA." "Today, that big magnet is going to pick me up in this suit of armour." "Maybe." "Stop!" "Oh, s**t!" "Nothing went right on this." "This was like the metallic bread-suit." "We're back in a scrap metal yard." "We've constructed a new magnet suit." "Mr England here is going to try it out." "I'm Steve-O. I'm going to secure the streets of Albuquerque, New Mexico." "Everything OK here, sir?" "This isn't really the place to stand, right here." " Can I get you to move it over a bit?" " Sure." "I've never been told to move before." "Don't worry. I just want to move you over a bit." " How you doing there?" " How you doing?" " l'm Final Frontier." " ls that Paul?" " No, Paulowski." " What's your first name?" "Sergio. I'm pretty sure I'm here to relieve you." "You're not supposed to be here till five." "This guy's not supposed to be here." " What's your name?" " Johnny." "I'm Sergio. I'm supposed to ride round with you so you can train me." "If you want to do a couple of laps..." "They told you I was gonna train you?" " This is my first day." " You're training me on your first day?" "Good Lord!" "Why don't we get me driving?" "I want to learn as much as I can." "Let's rock and roll!" " How does it handle speed bumps?" " Not very well." " You've got to be careful, OK?" " l don't want to get us in trouble." "I'm all done for the day." "I appreciate it, dude." "I'll probably see you tomorrow." "That was awesome, dude!" "This is Steve-O." "This is Dave England." "This is "ice block skating"." "Do you know who's the best at this?" "I am." "Phil gets off work in 1 5 minutes." "I have 20 paintballs in this bee-atch!" "He's gonna die!" " Oh, my God!" " That f***ing hurt!" "Phil, I'm going to take it out on you now." "I got shot in the foot!" "Phil, I got shot in the foot." "I was testing it. lt felt like this." "We have a bloody mess here." "We have the carpet cleaner come over and see if he'll clean it up for us." "Come on in." "We have this big spot here." "I don't know if it's gonna come out." " What is this?" " My roommate's dog is in heat." "You'll be able to get it out, won't you?" "I'm gonna have the hand." "It looks more real from this side." "Hi." "What is that?" "Can I talk to you upstairs?" "Excuse us." "It's funny." "A couple of days ago, I was watching the Discovery Channel and you know that guy who killed all those people." "I'm not saying this happened here, but..." " Please, I'm taking care of it." " You do not want him here." "I got pepper spray here!" " You did it!" " He's all right." "Just go upstairs." "I've got to call my boss." "This situation here is..." "Let's just get this done." "What did you mean by, "you did it"?" "I mean his dog or whatever." "It's his dog." "Jack, what's going on?" "Nothing, it's all right." "Who's there, the f***ing cleaning guy?" "Be quiet, will you?" " You're not taking care of it." " l am taking care of it." "I don't care whose mess it is." "Get him out!" "Or you're next!" "I need to call my boss." "I need to report this situation." " No, it's OK, man." " Let him go, Jack!" " He'll keep it to himself." " Here, I'll help you out." "It's OK." "It's all right, it's OK." "You don't have to call in." "Why's he still here?" "I think it's best if you just go." "Go ahead!" "Get out." "I'll pay you right now." "If you know what's good for you, you'll keep this to yourself!" "Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is Dottie Barnet." "Today, I am 90 years old." " Look at her tush, mama." " Don't you talk like that." " You have a lovely tush, ma'am." " That's not nice." "Do you mind?" "I just want a couple of French fries." "Don't do that, Irving." "That's not right." "Go find a place to sit down." "That's embarrassing." "You all right?" "I'm all right!" " You don't want an ambulance?" " No." "Leave me alone!" "I just want some soup." "I'm looking for some sunglasses." "Something very contemporary." " And handsome." " Handsome?" " And snazzy." " Snazzy?" "Are they good in..." "Can I look at them in the sunlight?" "Has that sign always been there?" "See ya!" " Can I get the sunglasses back, sir?" " Oh, yeah. I forgot." "Look how pretty she is, Dorothy." "Look how nice her breasts are." "You're a dirty old man." "You're getting worse all the time." "Look at that butt." "Nice tush!" "How are you?" "Could I offer you some weed or pot or marijuana?" "Here comes that son of a bitch Ronaldo." "Where were you when I called you the other night?" "I don't want to talk to you." "You little son of a..." "Thank you." "He started it." " He's a bad person." " That's enough." " He's not a good person." " Never call me again!" "I want my $200!" "My God, what did you have for dinner, ma'am?" "I'm Raab Himself." "This is "duck hunting"." "We killed quack-quack!" "It went up his butt!" " My god!" " Right in the middle." "Where do you get the balls?" "Damn it!" "Thank you." "I wanna go right over here." "Damn it!" "You stay there. I got it." "Thank you." "Dorothy!" " Are you OK?" " Stand me up." " You want me to get an ambulance?" " No, no ambulance!" " Do you want something to drink?" " No." " l'm calling an ambulance." " No, I need some shade." "Just stand me up." " You sure you're going to be OK?" " l'm good!" "I'm Steve-O and this is the double back." " l love you." " l love you, too." "Here we are on location filming Shaquille O'Neill's new rap video." " This is..." " Wee Man" "That's the gayest way to introduce people!" "The things the Jackass guys do, I do every day." "I am the man of steel." "You see this?" "What was that?" "Was that piss?" "Shaq loves Wee Man." "I carry all the weight around this show." "The highlight so far has been poo diving in the kiddie pool." "A lot of Shaq humping Wee Man." "He deserved it." "He's been trying to hump and wrestle me all day." "These guys are crazy!" "Little kids, do not try this at home."