"Talk dirty to me!" "Talk dirty to me!" " You're fat." " What?" "I said "you're fat"." "What happened?" "You two?" " Who is it?" " The guy on the fourth floor." " Bergersen?" " He was in the hall." "After picking up the paper." "Do you know of any next of kin?" "Nobody." "He just lay there, all dead?" "Two people die every second." "Life's all we've got,   and in the end, it's absolutely nothing." "Are you trying to comfort me?" "My condolences." "Wait." "He would have wanted this." " Did you know him well?" " No." "Happy trails, Bergersen." "Even an egocentric like me thought of others once in a while." "You look like a Dalmatian." "Dalmatians are a symbol of luck, and you could use some lucky charms." "Do you want to start?" "Mia, what is the biggest problem?" "Try to keep it brief." "OK..." "He runs away, he lies, he denies he's the father of our child." "He's a gutless, unreliable hound dog with a phobia about confrontations." "That's a start." "But there's usually two sides to every story." "I get afraid of conflicts when they come at me with axes." "And I don't sleep around." "Neither one of you is particularly normal, so you might suit each other." " Should we start with the beginning?" " The maternity ward?" "Hitting below the belt." "My nether regions were full of your ten pound kid when you decided to break up." "Maybe you'll want to spend your time here more constructively?" "Maybe you could try and defend why you left Mia between contractions?" "I got scared." "It's like a downward spiral." "As long as I keep telling myself I'm an asshole, I start acting like one." "So I'm going in the wrong direction." "That's what I've always done." "The mind chooses the path it's gone down most frequently." "It's what Freud calls a self-affirming pattern." "Sigmund Freud." "Mia, your turn." "I shouldn't have sent my brothers after you with knives and axes." "They shouldn't have tried to put you in that freezer." "I just wanted you to know what it was like to feel scared." "I know I'm not the world's easiest person to deal with." "The first pet I ever had, I ate when I turned five." "A dachshund." "I think we're off to a very good start." "Should we say that's enough, and see each other again tomorrow?" "Will you marry me?" " What?" " Will you marry me?" " Why?" " Because you're the one I want." "You're the father of my child, and the only one I've loved that way." " When?" " Today." " Today?" "We'll need a church." " I've booked it." " The invitations..." " My brothers are calling people." "A maid of honor, then." "You don't have any friends." "Yes, I do now." "Dag can be your best man." "Right, Dag?" " I just want to go home." " Dag." "Yes." "I'll see you at four." "Bye." " What just happened?" " Don't know." " I'm getting married?" " Seems so." " I have to rent a tux." " You probably do." " Do I have to write a toast?" " Write one." " I don't know how to do it." " I'll help you." "Four o'clock." "That's not a lot of time." " One of your patients gave you this." " Patients bringing gifts." "You still got it!" "You needed it." "You were the saddest human being they'd ever met." "Bye." "Who's next?" "Marie Antoinette and the Gimp." "Do gold fish get suicidal?" "You rarely hear of people offing themselves because they're dumb." "That would explain why Theo's dad is still alive." "I need some help." "What colors does your brother like?" "I'm going to a wedding, you see, and him too." "So I wondered what sort of dress to buy." "Red. 60's, if you can." "Who's getting married?" " Benedikt." " Shouldn't everyone black?" "He'll get what's coming to him." "You sure you want this?" "For Dag to like you?" "I don't really know." "I just know I feel better when I'm with him." " And I'm tired of running away." " I feel somewhat at fault here." "If's my fault entirely." "It always is." "I'm buying a dress." "Fuck this." "If you can't screw without dressing up, then fuck it." "God forbid if you had children." "A laminated Louis XIV   who thinks his father's made of recycled tires." "There are real people with real problems out there." "You are entirely of you own making." "I feel sorry for people who need someone around to feel good." "Astrid Lindgren" "Stop it, Dag, it's just paper." "I really hate to interrupt what you're doing, but you're running out of time." " What do you mean?" " You need to be in church in 20 minutes." " That's about fucking time." " Sorry." "Just wait." "There's quite a turnout." "Shit, my mom's here, and my dad." " I didn't know you had a dad." " Front row, to the left." "The guy holding that very young girl?" "He thinks Russian brides is like the Book-of-the-month club." "He just sends back the ones he doesn't want." "Rings, did you remember them?" "Try them on." "They're not used to people phoning in their measurements." "Perfect." "I declare you ready to be married." "You're allergic to shellfish." "Where have your hands been?" "I just..." "I dropped by your office." "My office?" "Nobody smells like this there." "Oh hell." "Not Malin." "No." "I just came by to get some help with my toast." "The nun." "The nun." "She was just sitting there." "Said she hoped for a stand-by session." "Don't look at me like that." "She needed help." "Her husband didn't listen to her." "That's right up my alley." " You're getting married in three minutes." " It was a nun." "What man would pass up a chance like that?" "How was it?" "She was happy her prayers were finally answered." "I think." "By the end of it, she screamed that I was a "harlot"." "Gender equality has come a long way." " Let's get you married." " Me and Maradona." "The hand of God." " OK, ready?" " Ready." " Benedikt." " Mia." "We're walking up first, you follow when they play Mendelssohn." " I want to get this out of the way." " Now?" "The church is full." "Your parents are here." "It'd be pretty strange to cancel everything now." "Don't look at me." "This is all you." "Yes, it's just a piece of paper." "Acknowledgment of paternity" "See you at the altar." "Love you." ""Love you"?" " I do." "It was a nun, Dag!" "I dipped my pen in Jesus' ink!" "Dearly beloved." "The bride has requested that we keep the ceremony to a minimum." "Considering the urgency in entering holy matrimony,   it will be a true pleasure to grant her this wish." "So, I ask you, Benedikt Skovrand, will you take Mia Ballac Petrovic, standing here,   as your wife, and love her and honor her until death do you part?" "Yes." "And so I ask you, Mia Ballac Petrovic,   do you take this man standing here, Benedikt Skovrand,   as your husband, and will you love him and honor him until death do you part?" "No!" "Nobody marries a guy who dumps you when you're in labor." "Nobody!" "How does it feel to be humiliated in front of everyone you care about?" "Goodbye, Benedikt." " Dad, just let her go." " Let her go?" "Fucking Balkan whore!" "I'll make the shoerack ready for you." "The panda awaits." "Seems I can't go to church without a fight breaking out." "This was your handywork?" "Listen to me, please." "This just about makes us even." "We could start all over again." " I don't know..." " Please." "You're the only one I want." "We're hopeless together, but everything's worse without you." "I love you." "Please." "Want to tell me what happened with you eye?" "It can't be any worse than what just happened." "Can we talk about something else?" "My turn to listen, now." "You said that you rand off to Goa for ten years." "I don't know where to begin." "My single mom's sole focus in life was for everything to be perfect." "The house, the lawn, herself, me." "She was always the prettiest girl in class." "I used to wonder why people turned around when we walked by." "Then she got older, and people stopped turning around." "And the dresses got shorter, and the drinks stronger." "And the men weren't exactly father figures." "So, I moved out at 16." "I just had to get away." "And try to be everything she wasn't." "I would fly into a rage if someone told me I was pretty." "And then I went to visit her one day." "I was 20, I guess." "When I got inside her apartment, I heard her coughing in the bedroom." "This hacking cough and glasses clinking." "I couldn't make myself go in." "Couldn't stand..." "I couldn't be her mother." "So I went out." "I came back half an hour later." "She was laying on the floor." "Asphyxiated." "She had choked on her own phlegm." "The curtains were drawn, it's three thirty in the afternoon." "Her dress rolled up above her waist." "Hair greasy." "Burned out cigarette in the ash tray." "I remember thinking that I couldn't let them find her like this." "So I went and got a bowl and a towel, and washed her hair." "And straightened her dress out." "Then I called the ambulance." "And then I went to Goa for ten years,   and forgot who I was." "I remember you were friends with Marianne,   but I had no idea you grew up with this." "No." "Nobody really knows how others live, at that age." "No." "At any age, really." "I have to get going." "There's been another plumbing incident." "Relax, it's not a leak." "I just need to find some other place." "I was thinking you might come for dinner tomorrow." "I could fry up something." " Extra salt?" " Of course." "It's been a strange day?" " Very." " Regrets?" " No." " Sorry, I shouldn't have done it." "It's not your fault." "It could have been anybody." "OK." "Thanks a lot." "I think I just wanted to make him jealous." "Did he get back to you?" "No." "Anyway, it's too late to go back." "I don't even know if I'd want to." "Does that make you uncomfortable?" "In relation to God, I mean." "My relationship to God   is that his reputation would get a boost if he didn't exist." " Hi." " I'll go get an extra pillow." "Nobody goes in there." "We can stay here." "I thought you might be along, so I made some hot chocolate." "I put a little extra in yours." "But I'll tell you this right away:" "I'm not seeing you for therapy." "Thanks." "Could you just hold this?" "Would you mind if I took the strong one?" "Come here." "You know:" "One loves the lost lamb most of all." "OK, Dag." "You know what you have to do." "When things get like this, there's just one thing to do." "You gotta dance."