"# Oh, oh, little girl" "# Pretty little girl" "# You're such a good little girl" "# Why don't you let me make you a bad girl?" "# Oh, oh, yes, I could" "# Make you such a bad little girl" "# You'd be a glad little girl" "# If only you were a bad girl" "# Oh, little girl" "# Pretty little girl" "# I wouldn't let you be sad" "# I would make you so glad" "# Hear me crying" "# Oh, little girl" "# Pretty little girl" "# You're such a good little girl" "# Why don't you let me make you a bad girl?" "# You'd be such a glad girl" "# If you were a bad girl" "# Oh, little girl" "# Pretty little girl" "# I wouldn't make you be sad" "# I would make you so glad" "# Hear me crying" "# Oh, little girl" "# Pretty little girl" "# You look so tame" "# But what a hurricane!" "# Ah, ah, ah, ah... #" "Oi, I say, Miss Grover Beam." "You got yours?" "RUBE:" "Say what?" "Did you get it a you come through the door?" "No, I lent them to me mum tonight." "TERRY:" "Well, come over, then, darling." "You can borrow mine." "Do you fancy him, then?" "Yeah, but he's a right cheeky sod." "His name's Terry." "Is he?" "Well, come on, then." "Don't get us lumbered." "(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)" "Let me get in there." "Do you have to trample all over my suede, lovey?" "Three browns, please, boys." "Three browns?" "You're not a lot of trouble, are you?" "Come on, darling." "Sit next to your Uncle Terry." "You on the pick-up, then?" "Behave." "All the way from Tooting!" "You're getting a bit daring, ain't you?" "Yeah." "Who's that?" "Oh, that's me mate, Eileen." "EILEEN:" "Hello." "Hello." "And that's me sister, Sylvie." "She's a bit soft, my mate." "Is she?" "What's all this..." "That's your sister?" "What, with hair that colour and your colour?" "Well, hers is natural." "You're a bottle blonde." "No, I'm a bottle brunette." "You're a bottle blonde." "I told you they were cheeky." "TERRY:" "What do you reckon?" "Saucy little virgin." "I might have a bit of trouble there." "That chance would be a fine thing with you lot." "Yeah." "Saucy with it, and all." "Hey, come on, Dave!" "Where's our drinks?" "DAVE:" "It ain't my fault." "It's this old queen behind the counter." "Well, give him a big kiss then, and tell him to hurry up." "Knocked for my mate Jean this morning." "It's seven o'clock to go to work." "When I open the door, there she is reclining in a black night dress." ""You on your honeymoon or something?" I says." "EILEEN:" "What you do, then?" "DAVE:" "I work in a scrap yard." "Breaking up cars and all that." "You know?" "EILEEN:" "Oh, yeah?" "Your hands don't feel rough." "Well, I wear these great leather gloves, see." "Black leather, they are." "Oh, yeah?" "You'd better watch me." "I'm a bit kinky." "I don't half fancy your mate." "What?" "In this weather?" "We're doing this flat out in Hampstead, see." "Done it all out in posh pink tiles in the bathroom." "SYLVIE:" "That's a bit flash, isn't it?" "Didn't half look nice, yeah." "I fancied a bath, so, you see, I goes in." "I'm having a lovely soak, ain't I?" "And the landlady, whose place it is, comes up." "Now, the fellows, instead of telling her I'm having a toilet or something..." "That's a bit mean, wasn't it?" "They lets her walk right in." "And she sees me standing there in the nude." "Starkers!" "My light, you should have heard her scream." "I don't know why she didn't jump all over you." "Well, I want to work in a children's ward." "Ah, you like kids, do you?" "Yeah, especially babies." "I might be able to help you there." "Oh." "RON:" "Well, I thought I was tasty enough, but perhaps I just didn't have what it took." "You know what I mean?" "No, perhaps you haven't." "Sometimes we used to go camping." "You know, take tents and something to cover you over." "It was great." "You know, the birds used to tell their mums they was going four or five-handed together-like, see." "EILEEN:" "Oh, yeah." "And then they'd come with us." "Oh, it's great." "Sleeping out with a bird to keep you warm." "How about coming down to Southend this week?" "We can take a crate of beer and have a right party on the beach." "You reckon I can trust you, do you?" "Of course you can trust me." "Don't it show in me face?" "Well, who else is going, then?" "Ron, Dave, if they're pulling the two birds." "Well, if they go, I'll go." "All right, but it ain't all that holding hands bit, you know" "I can't go with him." "He's too short." "EILEEN:" "Is he?" "I mean, he's a nice enough fellow." "RUBE:" "Sylvie, you know that glitter I put on me hair." "Well, it came off on Terry's cheek while we was dancing." "I never had the heart to tell him, though." "Do you know, I reckon that Dave's married." "Oh, I dare say is." "He looks a bit randy, that Dave." "You can tell by his eyes." "RUBE:" "Shove up, will you?" "RUBE:" "I wouldn't mind going with a married man." "Except I couldn't bear him afterwards going home to his wife." "Oh, Rube." "See that bit there?" "Does it look all right?" "Oh, yes." "Great." "There's no gaps." "Can I borrow your lacquer, love?" "Yeah, that's it." "EILEEN:" "The minute I set eyes on that Dave, I thought, "Wow."" "But you said that last week." "EILEEN:" "He looks a bit like Richard Burton, don't you think?" "Oh, you're joking!" "More like Elizabeth Taylor, I reckon." "# I say, "yeah, yeah, " and that's what I say" "# I say, "yeah, yeah"... #" "All right, where are we going now, then, fellas?" "Let's go swimming up the Common." "Hey!" "But we ain't got no swimsuits!" "It don't matter." "We'll swim at one end, you swim down the other." "(GIRLS GROANING)" "Who's gonna see you, anyhow?" "The man in the moon?" "Yeah, what's to stop your hands wandering?" "The swimming pool attendant. (LAUGHS)" "(GIGGLING)" "I don't trust that Ron." "You can tell by his eyes." "I tell you one thing, darling, I ain't taking me drawers off." "(PLAYFUL SHOUTING)" "EILEEN:" "Do you know, Sylvie, I really fancy Dave." "SYLVIE:" "Then why don't you encourage him then?" "What are you saving yourself up for?" "Jonesy, the undertaker?" "Here!" "Had your look?" "SYLVIE:" "You're not getting me in there." "(PLAYFUL SCREAMING)" "Oh, Ron!" "WATCHMAN:" "Here!" "Come on, get out of there!" "You go down the other side." "Come on, you lot, get out of there!" "Quick!" "WATCHMAN:" "Come on, you, get out of there!" "What do you think you're on?" "A picnic?" "Quick, get the clobber." "EILEEN:" "Here, let me dry your hair." "DAVE:" "Go on, then." "Smells nice." "Can't bear blokes with greasy hair." "Well, let's have a sniff at yours." "Oh, yeah." "We must use the same shampoo." "SYLVIE:" "Hey, do you ever go out to the Lyceum?" "Yeah, I go there Monday nights sometimes." "A bit of a giggle." "All that Continental dancing and that." "But you want to take a bird home, and then you find they live right out in the suburbs." "You find yourself walking home about 20 miles, unless you got a bike." "(SYLVIE LAUGHING)" "Wait." "What's up?" "Me and her's going for a walk." "Oh, I see." "Oh, come on." "Let's get out." "I can't take you home 'cause Mum's pawned all the furniture." "That's it, leaves a bit of room for our performance now, eh?" "DAVE:" "This is where we lived, till it got demolished." "Slum clearance." "They moved us out to lousy Roehampton." "I used to be a hospital porter, carting the dead bodies about." "They treat the old people like lumps of meat." "When one dies, they wheel him out past all the others." "Visitors and all." "And, they never bother to screen them off." "When they get near to dying, they usually know it." "They start to moan all day." "It's a queer moan, and it gets on your nerves." "And you have to say, "Oh, shut up, you old frigger. "" "There's no such thing as respect for the dead." "EILEEN:" "You're married, ain't you?" "That's why you can't take me home." "DAVE:" "How'd you guess?" "EILEEN:" "You're sort of soft." "Marriage makes men softer." "DAVE:" "When I saw you sitting there I began to sizzle." "I'm in it tonight, I thought." "There's two things I'd liked to have been." "A racing driver or a test pilot." "But you need money for that." "Once, I had 800 pound." "We'd just done a tobacconist." "I walks into a shop, dressed all casual-like." "Like a gentleman." "The salesman comes up to me immediately." ""Yes, sir, "he says." ""I'll have that Triumph TR3, over there, "I says, taking out 725 pound out of me pocket." ""Yes, sir, "he says." "I drove away in that Triumph." "EILEEN:" "I want to be a nurse." "I'm starting my training this year in a hospital for children." "DAVE:" "I've got a terrible temper." "So has me wife." "I never start an argument with her in the kitchen in case she picks up a knife." "If I ask her to do me a hard boiled egg, and she does it soft, then I lose me temper." "See this?" "Cost 4,000 quid." "I earn 12 pound a week." "Don't go far when you've been used to having 100 nicker in your pocket." "Sometimes I get a real ache inside me when I ain't driven for a long time." "So, I just go out and nick a car." "Here." "Do us a favour." "EILEEN:" "What?" "DAVE:" "Seduce me." "I don't love my wife." "'Cause I wasn't her first." "She went with another bloke when she was 16." "I've never been with no one else." "I promise you, Dave." "I know, I know." "You're a lovely girl." "Lovely." "(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)" "(TRAIN ENGINE CHUGGING)" "# Oh, never let me go" "# Let that love light show" "# Come on, now" "# Take me by the hand" "# And lead me to the land of ecstasy" "# First time that I saw you" "# You showed me the door to ecstasy" "# Now I just keep praying" "# That we'll always stay in ecstasy" "# Oh, don't you go away" "# For a single day" "# Come on, now" "# Take me by the hand" "# And lead me to the land of ecstasy" "# I travelled up and down much" "# Never have I found such ecstasy" "# Now, dear, that I know you" "# Everywhere I go it's ecstasy" "# Oh, kiss me, dear, and then" "# Kiss me once again" "# Come on, now" "# Take me by the hand" "# And lead me to the land of ecstasy #" "My husband, he deserted me 21 years ago." "Baby was only a month old." "But anyway, I've met up with a nice young chap now." "So, I went to the courts and asked if I could, you know, sort of presume him dead." "Do you know, they charged me 30 bob to look for a death certificate!" "And they couldn't find it." "So, then I went along thinking I'll ask for a divorce." "The judge says, "Why have you waited for 21 years to apply?"" "So, I told him... (LAUGHS) I was a bit embarrassed." "I said, "Well, I've just met a very nice young man,"" "and he says, "Well, that's as good an excuse as any."" "So, I got me divorce!" "Anyone lend me their husband for the weekend?" "Yeah, you can have mine." "He's a dirty sod on the quiet." "(LAUGHS) I'd lend you mine, but he wouldn't be much good to you." "Send them all up." "You know where I live, by the church." "You like them fair or dark?" "It's not their hair I'm interested in." "Started me diet today." "Don't know if I'll keep it up." "MARGE:" "She don't really care if she is up the spout." "RUBE:" "I'd do meself in." "GIRL:" "So would I. Do me nutter in." "MARGE:" "Let's hope the baby don't inherit her hunch." "RUBE:" "It's one thing when it's a bloke you're going to marry, but when you don't even know who it is." "MARGE:" "Perhaps they done it in the dark." "I wouldn't be surprised." "She's that dumb." "(COUGHING)" "I got the catarrh." "I get it every winter." "Used to be a laundry, you know, that's why it's so damp." "Can't have the heat." "It'd melt the chocolate." "So, I turned around to Dick and I said, "Well, love, are you going to take me home?"" ""No," he says, "but I'd like to."" "Yeah." "What did he say?" "Oh, he went mad, love." "Oh, he went bleeding mad." "He hasn't been down for the last three nights." "No, he hasn't." "Anyway, he'll be around when he wants a bit of the other." "Me mum hasn't slept with me dad in years." "She's had seven kids." "The doctor says if she has any more, it will kill her." "Besides, she doesn't want to sleep with me dad any more." "Bad-tempered old sod." "I wanna get out and about and enjoy myself." "Have a bit of fun." "Been sat in watching that bloody telly for the last five years." "The only trouble is, though," "I see that Ray turning out the same way, if I go and live with him." "# I'm so hungry for someone to love" "# I'm so hungry for someone to love" "# What's the use of worrying" "# If you don't care about the mood I'm in?" "# I just wanna spend every week" "# Every day, every hour with you" "# Won't you change your mind?" "#Just be a little kind?" "# Be my someone to love #" "But I was right, you know, it's the married ones that got the dirty minds." "It's better to marry an ugly man, what's got good ways than a good looker what's sly." "I nearly married a soldier, and I was going with him two years." "Then he showed me this letter from a girl in the ATS." "Said he was just playing around." "If they do it before marriage, they'll do it after." "So, I told him I was through with him." "He cried like a baby." "I saw him once in Woolworths, when I was carrying me last child." "Got such a lump in me throat," "I couldn't say nothing." "So, I had to run out." "My name would be Mrs Stacy now, instead of Mrs Smith." "You might think I was spoiled being the only one." "But I'm not, really, you know?" "You ever go dancing?" "No, but I go up the caff." "Always takes me upstairs where it's dark." "MARGE:" "What are you doing tonight, Rube?" "I got a date with two ginks in a van but I ain't going." "MARGE:" "Why not?" "Well, Terry would go mad, wouldn't he?" "Hurry up, Rube." "(OLD WOMEN LAUGHING)" "Do you know what she gives her old man for his tea?" "She gives him two thrupenny-ha'penny meat pies." "She runs them under the cold tap to make them swell up." "He won't be much good to you on that, love." "Well, what's life worth without a giggle?" "What you doing tonight, Joyce?" "I don't know." "I think I'll have a bath." "Is it your birthday, then?" "Eh, cheeky." "Why don't you tell 'em about that woman that come around last night?" "What?" "That old crab from the WVS?" "(CLEARS THROAT) Well, she comes round, you see, to tell us what to do if they're going to drop the H-bomb on us." "First of all, she says, "Fill your bath with water."" ""We ain't got no bathtub," I said." "That put her right in her place, didn't it?" "RUBE:" "Here, do you reckon I could get a job at the WVS?" "I don't half fancy a change." "I don't think they'd have you." "RUBE:" "Why not?" "Oh, but you're not a lady, are you, do us a favour..." "RUBE:" "Hey, we come from the same family." "What'll that do?" "A mate of mine's got a good job." "What?" "Cinema usherette." "You ought to see what she finds when she's cleaning up." "Nylon underwear, stockings, even a pair of braces that fitted her." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "Well, how 'bout this, then?" "I was cleaning at a stocking and underwear shop and my pal, Lil, she was working in the chemist's." "So Lil says to me, she says, "If you get the stockings," ""then I'll get the soaps and perfume."" "So I get three pairs, wrapped up in them cellophane packages, and I stuffed 'em down me front." "When I got on the bus, I was crackling like I was on fire." "And I see a man looking at me and I says," ""Oh, I've got rheumatism so bad." ""That's cellophane to keep the permastatin in,"" "and he said, "Oh, poor lady."" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "When are you getting married, Joyce?" "Next month when I'm 16." "A bit young, ain't you?" "Well, there's no use waiting around until you're an old crab, is there?" "Have you got your trousseau ready yet?" "No, not yet." "WOMAN:" "Gonna wear them pink pyjamas?" "No, me birthday suit." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)" "Hey Rube, do you remember when our mum made us join the Salvation Army?" "Oh, yeah." "# Deep and wide Deep and wide" "# There's a fountain flowing deep and wide" "# Da-da-da-da-da-da" "# Deep and wide Deep and wide" "# There's a fountain flowing deep and wide #" "Hey, you'll never get to heaven." "Oh, we're gonna sing it at the gate, aren't we, Sylvie?" "SYLVIE:" "We are." "We're gonna sing it in our grave." "Yeah, that's right." "(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)" "Look at that." "There's a packet of fags at the bottom." "I thought it tasted sour." "(ROCK'N'ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Come, Rube." "Well, who's gonna be the fella, then?" "You reckon it did." "Did you get that new dress?" "Yeah." "Oh, come on, Sheila, you dance and all!" "Yeah, come on, put down your sandwich." "Go on." "Go." "Step easy." "Yeah, just move your..." "That's it, move your head and your hands, that's it." "Yeah, shake it." "Take your coat off, Sheila, let yourself go." "Come on." "Go on, take it off." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "They got to wear something, right?" "(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)" "Here, give us your arm." "That's it, Sheila." "There you are." "Pulled the stitches." "There's one." "Take the other one." "There!" "There!" "Shall I make it low cut?" "There you are." "She's all set for the ball!" "(MUSIC GETTING LOUDER)" "(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "Quiet!" "Quiet!" "Get on back to work, you women." "What do you take me for, a nightclub or something?" "(ALL PROTESTING)" "Are you ready?" "Yeah, well, hang on." "I'm just gonna lock up the back door." "Why, where's the old lady?" "She's gone playing bingo tonight, isn't she, with one of her old cronies." "Ooh." "Oh, no, Terry, we can't." "Anyway, I thought you wanted to see Sophia Loren." "What do I want Sophia Loren for when I got you here in the flesh?" "Look, Terry, well, supposing Sylvie comes home early." "She won't." "She's gone up West with Ronnie." "Come on, Rube, it'll be all right." "What if I was to say no, for a change?" "I'll scrub you out and go and chat up Sophia Loren, won't I?" "Does it mean a row?" "Yeah." "All right, then." "But I'm keeping my coat on." "BARNY:" "So, you get your foot in the door and you start off with a few soft cuts." "Couple of shirts for Dad, pair of shoes for Johnny, underset for Mum." "Then, before long, you're selling them everything." "Kitchen sets, bedroom suites, curtains, cardigans, the lot." "Once you get your foot in the door, you gotta keep it there." "You hold onto 'em, and you never let 'em go." "Some of these old dears, it's the event of the week." "They don't have no other social occasion." "When you go in, the teapot's already laid out for you." "Oh, my wife's all right, as good as gold." "See, but all she knows is the home and the kids." "See, 60% of my calls are black." "I'm like the great white hunter." "Down the bottom of the street you can practically hear the tom-toms going." "Round here's black." "I'm sick of these coloureds." "I want some nice young housewives to cheer me up on a Tuesday morning." "I've got this nurse, you see, and I go and see her Saturday morning at 10:00, 'cause she's on night duty." "And she comes to the door, like," ""Oh," she says, "excuse me, I was just having a bath."" "So I goes in, like, you know, she makes me a cup of tea," "I can see she's got nothing on underneath this dressing gown, and every time she moves, I can see a bit more and a bit more." "You gotta be careful, you know." "I mean, you can make a mistake, can't you?" "Can you leave it this week?" "Only I'm a bit short." "Come on, love, but you're eight pound oweing." "You better let me have 10 bob." "Yeah, but me old man didn't give me very much this week." "But it's Tuesday, isn't it?" "Tuesday, family allowance day." "Now come on, who keeps the kids' books, you or him?" "Surely he let's you have that money." "Oh, all right then." "Pair of good blankets, she's having." "Well, I can't take 'em back." "I mean, I wouldn't dare put 'em in the back here." "The van would crawl away." "Anyway, she's what we call a pawnshop call." "You see, we sell her a pair of blankets, and ten minutes later, she goes and sells them for cash to some old woman down the street." "And then she's paying me five bob a week for the rest of the year for something she hasn't even got." "(GROANS) You don't know how stupid they are." "They think they're being clever." "They got four or five tallymen, they get something different off of each one." ""Which one are you," they say, when you go in." "They don't know what they're paying for or when the debt's done." "And the more they get into debt, the dirtier they become." "You don't know the filth they get into." "I smell that filth as soon as I go in the front door." "They live more like animals." "Animals!" "I have to keep smoking all the time I'm, you know, writing me book." "Palaces, ain't they?" "You know, if I get a knocker, that's like a non-payer," "I don't care what sort of hard luck story they give me," "I go after 'em." "I must have my money." "Well, I mean, you got to, ain't you?" "Only a couple more calls, then we'll go and have a drink." "You look as if you could do with one." "I know it gets a bit hot back there." "I've been out with plenty of floozies in me time, but I never mention my wife's name to 'em." "I wouldn't." "I think too much of her." "Most of 'em, you can make 'em buy anything." "25% of 'em don't know what they're paying for and 50% don't want the goods anyway." "H.O. Husband objects." "They're the best of all 'cause they'll do anything to stop their husbands finding out." "See, after a bit, you lend 'em 10 pound at the rate of seven shillings and a pound to be paid back in 10 weeks." "So you're paying 2 7 shillings a week." "Now, after about five weeks, they're always a bit short, so you say, "All right, love, I'll help you out." "I'll tell you what I'll do," ""I'll lend you another 10."" "So you give 'em another 10." "Subtract what they owe from the first 10, say it's five, plus 35 bob on top for the interest, and I always give her the odd five shillings, you know," ""You've been very good to me, Barny," and all that then you walk out of the flat leaving three pound, and there you are collecting 27 shillings a week for the next 10 weeks." "It never ends." "There's a million and one ways to get their money out of 'em, but you have to hold the threat of court over 'em, you see." "Mind you, that's the last resort." "See, 'cause once you do that, you're finished." "You've played the last card in the pack, see what I mean." "I think my wife gets a good bargain." "Granted, I'm not home much." "See, my trouble is, I can't sit still." "But then I have to go out and get about among the clubs, you know." "I mean, that's where you make your contacts." "Then, she gets her clothes cheap, you know," "I mean, I get a lot of perks as a tallyman." "I get a 26-guinea suit for 13 guineas." "They must've been too price-conscious." "Our stuff's pretty dear." "Well, it has to be." "After all, it's delivered right to their door." "See, I'm just a playboy a heart." "I mean, you've gotta live, haven't ya?" "And to live the way I like to live, it costs." "Well, I think a man who spends his leisure digging up the garden is an idiot..." "Yeah, well, I suppose he is happy." "I mean, they say all idiots are happy, don't they?" "Who gives anything away?" "No one." "Everybody takes." "No one ever gives you nothing." "Mind you, I'm not a cynic." "I wouldn't want you to think I was." "Come on, I'm selling a suit to a darkie." "This is the suit." "It's a good one." "Try it on." "Only wants a rub over with an iron." "You sure it's a good cloth?" "Good?" "It's 12 ounce wool mixture." "Feel it." "Hmm." "Look at that." "Let me see how it looks." "Immaculate." "Beautiful, that is." "I think it's a little small, mister." "I can't button." "You never button 'em up these days." "It's a style to leave 'em open." "Look, I wouldn't be caught dead with my jacket buttoned up." "Let me show you." "You see, good material is supposed to hang, you see?" "I'll take it." "It's 12 pound." "You've only got to give me two pound now, pay me the rest a pound a week." "Two pound?" "I think I might have that here with me." "Yeah, I sell a lot of these suits to your sort of people." "There you are." "Two pound." "Good luck." "(BABY CRYING)" "She's very fond of music." "(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)" "Come and have a look." "(LAUGHS)" "She's a darling." "What a lovely little piccaninny." "How old is she?" "Oh, she's about eight months." "Keep you awake at night much?" "Oi!" "You wanna hear at night." "She's like a bull." "Yeah, like my little girl." "I got a little girl of three." "They just make me roll up." "You see, the blacks have only got half the brain cells that we've got." "They never had much civilisation." "They never even invented the wheel." "Imagine what berks they must be to go through life without inventing the wheel." "Over-toasted Irishmen." "It's not a bad life, a tallyman." "I'm using me brains to the best of me ability." "It's what the Tories call free enterprise." "(TRAIN WHISTLES)" "RUBE:" "Come on, Sylvie." "Are you eating again?" "I thought you'd given them up." "Here, don't you want it?" "No, thank you, darling," "I don't want to get as fat as an old... (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)" "(MEN WHISTLING) -(WOMEN LAUGH)" "Hello, me old cocker." "How are you, love?" "You all right?" "He wanted to get in the bedroom and she wouldn't let him in, so he kicked the bloody door in." "Any bloke will try and get in your bedroom if your mum's out." "It's only natural, isn't it?" "Any time you go out with a fellow, nine times out of ten, you end up talking about sex." "EILEEN:" "Dave says he's gonna leave his wife." "WOMAN:" "I've heard that one before." "Smashing dinner today." "Yeah." "Always go up and have a good dinner on a Wednesday" "when my son gives me the money." "Yeah?" "Roast mutton, roast potatoes, cabbage in mint sauce, and a nice bit of tart to follow." "Half a crown, that's all they charge." "I don't feel like cooking me own dinner, do you?" "Drives you barmy it do, cooking your own dinner when you're all on your own." "Didn't half meet a gorgeous bloke last night, you know." "Sort of fellow, when you see him, you just want to grab hold of him." "Kept pressing himself against me, you know, his hands began to wander." ""You ain't half hot-blooded," he says." "I kept pushing him away but he put 'em back again." ""I can't help being sexy," I says." "Anyway, you see, we was going down to London airport for a snogging session, and we were sitting in the front, 'cause he works in a garage, that's how he happens to have a car," "and we were sitting in the front, and Ronnie's mate was sitting with June in the back." "June's gonna let Ron have it, you know, but she's gonna wait till he goes steady with her 'cause she's been let down a couple times by fellas before." "Anyway, you see, we get to London airport and we're having a snogging session and he says to me," ""Why don't you come out of the car and we can lie on the grass."" "I said, "What would happen if one of them aeroplanes lands on us?"" "You know, them aeroplanes go a bit too fast for me." "Yeah, like them blokes you go with." "Oh, that's charming." "What about you, then?" "EILEEN:" "Thing is, you can't always be scheming." "Them who are always planning and scheming don't live, do they?" "Me daughter looks somewhat like you." "She's only 24." "She died of a broken heart, 'cause of her rotten husband." "He liked other women." "Me husband worked to bring up her kids." "See the rain running out of his trouser bottoms." "He died on Sunday night." "Police come and told me Monday morning." "It was a terrible shock." "They called in me pension book, so I only get 30 bob this week." "And 16 goes on the rent." "I've been trying to get a cheap bit of flat but you can't get it." "He went to a bone up there in the hospital." "I ain't had me clothes on for three weeks." "It's the shock." "# I should have known better with a girl like you" "# That I would love everything that you do" "# And I do, and I do, and I do" "# I should have realised what a kiss could be" "# This could only happen to me" "# Can't you see?" "Can't you see?" "Can't you see?" "# And when I tell you that I love you" "# You'll run and say you love me too" "(LAUGHING)" "# And when I ask you to be mine" "# You'll run and say... #" "What's the next verse, love?" "From the beginning, eh?" "# I should have known better with a girl like you" "# That I would love everything that you do" "# And I do, and I do, and I do" "# I should have realised what a kiss could be" "# This could only happen to me" "# Can't you see?" "Can't you see?" "Can't you see?" "#" "GIRL:" "I never once lay down with him." "I used to meet him in the back alley off the Latchmere." "I never really knew what he was at." "I never got no pleasure out of it." "I didn't know I was carrying till I was five months." "I couldn't believe it." "Kept thinking it would pass off." "He wasn't half handsome." "That's why I went with him." "All the girls used to say, "What an 'andsome chap. "" "RUBE:" "Well, one thing's for sure, I'm not going steady no more." "I'm gonna sort meself out some one-night fellows with plenty of money." "SYLVIE:" "Every bloke starts out as a one-night stand till you get involved." "GIRL 2:" "Ma reckons she hasn't been with a man at all." "Reckons it came through the post, I suppose." "GIRL 3:" "It'll be nice to be looked at again, won't it?" "I'm gonna make meself a new dress, tighter than tight, like a second skin." "RUBE:" "I couldn't somehow fancy any other fellow." "I suppose it's because I've still got Terry on me mind." "Course, he's extravagant." "Spends all his money buying gadgets for his motorbike." "That's what me mum don't like." "She keeps on at me," ""When are you getting married?" ""Saved enough to put down on your bedroom suite yet?"" "GIRL 1:" "The worst part was telling me mum." "She didn't expect it of me 'cause I was such a prude at the plays on the telly." "Then she told me dad and he came into me bedroom and told me not to worry." "We never used to talk about that kind of thing but now we can talk about anything." "Me dad went up to the chemist's and tried to get a stick of something they used before the war." "When you love a boy, you wanna give him the best thing in the world." "And there is only one thing, isn't there?" "You looking for Winnie?" "RUBE:" "Yeah." "Hello, Eileen." "Hello." "Nah, she's got a big place at Wimbledon, bang on the Common." "I'm just going to phone her up." "This flash tart came in a big motor today, looking for her." "Said if I find Winnie and fix her up for ten, she'll give me a few quid for meself." "Who's it for, then, you or her?" "Some mate in work." "Oh, don't give me that, Rube." "I won't blame your character." "All right, Annie, it's me." "I reckon I must be up the spout." "I can't seem to sit still," "I keep walking up and down, every time I start to eat something I feel immediately full and, well..." "ANNIE:" "Looks like you're in the club, all right." "Well, I don't want to do anything about it, 'cause I'll get one of those air bubbles inside me and die, won't I, and I daren't tell me mum, so I left my job today, and, well, I was going to run away, you know," "but there ain't nowhere to go." "ANNIE:" "Look, you best have it done." "You're only a kid." "She'll do it for five quid." "Will you phone her for me, Annie?" "ANNIE:" "Yeah, when do you want it done?" "Tomorrow." "RUBE:" "I said to the doctor, "I've been going with a fellow," ""and you know how it happens. "" ""Yeah, "he says." "EILEEN:" "I could get you some quinine" "I took some once." "There was a loud ringing in me ears and violent pain in me stomach." "Lifted me right out of the world, but it didn't do no good." "This Barry gets it from the chemist." "Tells him he's got a mate just back from Africa with a touch of the Malaria." "And then he sells the tablets ten bob each to the girls." "DOCTOR:" "In my surgery, I see at least one woman a week who is seriously contemplating an abortion." "Quite apart from the 35 deaths per year that we know are directly attributable to the back-street abortions, the most common and seriously disturbing result must be that this girl is unable to have any more babies." "She may not yet have had any." "She may be unable to have a family." "RUBE:" "When me mum's in the kitchen I have to take a deep breath hold me stomach in and run past." "And when I get out into the scullery I let it out." "She said to me today," ""You've got ulcers in your mouth, your stomach must be upset. "" "Then she give me one of her looks." "Hello, Annie!" "ANNIE:" "Hello then." "Well, what have we here?" "RUBE:" "Yeah, well, it's about that phone call." "Oh, I know why you've come." "There's only one reason why good looking girls come to see Winnie." "How far have you gone, love?" "RUBE:" "About three months." "Oh, then, you've only got a small problem in there, then, haven't you?" "RUBE:" "Yeah, well, you see, I can't keep it." "(LAUGHS) Now there's no need to explain." "How can you ever explain anything?" "It's the most bloody difficult thing in the world." "How much money have you got, love?" "RUBE:" "Four pounds." "Hand it over." "How's your mum keeping, Annie?" "Oh, she's all right, love." "Has she still got that lodger of hers?" "You bet she has." "Oh, good." "You know, you don't look more than 17." "I'm 18 next month." "RUBE:" "Terry said he'd marry me when he heard about the kid." "But me mum wouldn't have it." ""Don't you bring that dirty gink round here, "she says." ""I don't want him nor his kids. "" "They say it's lovely when you're married." "Lying between the sheets." "Bit of moonlight coming through the window." "MAN:" "Yeah, well, don't you go up there no more." "I don't want no kid of mine to go down the drain." "DOCTOR:" "The safety of properly induced abortion in hospital is very high." "Six deaths in every 100,000 cases." "Which compares very favourably with taking out the tonsils, which provides 17 deaths per 100,000." "SYLVIE:" "Well, now she's started." "She's gotta keep on or it'll be born a monster." "WINNIE:" "Don't worry, love." "It often takes a bit of time." "RUBE:" "When she does the syringe, you feel a sort of weakening pain shoot up in you." "WOMAN:" "I had that Harry here again last night." "He didn't go till 6:00 this morning!" "I made him sleep in the bath." "He's bringing me fifty gallons of paint tomorrow." "Free sample!" ""Well, "I says to him, "you've had my free sample." ""Now what about yours?"" "RUBE:" "She's always got some man with her." "She don't care if you're watching her." "Teasing him, slopping over him." "TERRY:" "Rube?" "Bah." "She was nothing but a cheap thrill." "Hello, Winnie?" "It's Rube, can you come over?" "Yeah she's pretty rough." "(SCREAMING)" "Oh, should I get the doctor?" "No, they might try and save the baby." "And I don't want no kids from that gink." "Winnie says she can't come." "They've said she's started!" "Yeah, that's right." "You know where she is." "(SCREAMING)" "MOTHER:" "I told her, didn't I, to keep away from him." "(SCREAMING AND CRYING)" "MOTHER:" "It's lucky I ain't got my health and strength, else I'd do him." "Do him right up, I would." "I'll hold her now, Mum." "You go get some dinner." "Go on." "Sit up, love." "It'll be better." "Ray says he'd hit him sky-high, but he might get nicked." "(RUBE'S BROTHER YELLING)" "Poor Rube." "Hold on, love." "It'll soon be over." "(SCREAMING LOUDLY)" "DOCTOR:" "Take the lowest figure, 52,000 abortions a year." "That's 1000 abortions a week." "Something like five or six every hour of every day." "And that's taking the minimum figure." "(LOVE SONG PLAYING)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "SYLVIE:" "I was the youngest bride in Battersea." "Married at 15." "Had Mike I was 15 and half." "Ten minutes after he was born," "I was sitting up in bed, sucking a stick of rock." "I think if you don't reckon someone, drives you mad if they're jealous." "If you think something of a bloke, well, you like him to be a bit possessive." "Ted, he used to tail me when I'd slip round the corner to put a bet on for me dad." "I'd know if Ted was going out with a bird, because he'd go and have his hair done." "He'd have a blow wave put in it and all that lacquer put on it." "And when he'd come home he'd lie back on the bed and he'd say, "Now, don't you dare touch it. "" "Then he'd go and have a wash, and he'd use my talc and my deodorant and make me scrub his back." "And all the time he'd try and keep me chained to the telly." "He expected me to live in a furnished room in Brixton." "What can I do in one room all day?" "I mean, if you've got two, at least you can go from one to the other." "But you know, he didn't even like me going early morning cleaning with me mum." "So then he starts going to the dogs every Wednesday night." "And I met up with this Fred." "He weren't half a handsome fella." "Waiting on the corner every Wednesday night in his ten-ton truck for me." "In the winter he'd leave the engine running." "Oh, it didn't half get hot, stuck up in that cabin." "What about your mates, then?" "That's a bit mean." "RON:" "I'll get them one later." "Do you have to keep showing me up?" "You'll have to excuse him, you know." "(MAN LAUGHS)" "He's a bit of a mean sod." "He's all right, really, but he's a bit mean." "He's a bit tight." "You heard the news about me brother?" "MAN:" "No, what's up?" "Well, you know the bus murder?" "MAN:" "Yeah." "Well, they're gonna plant it on him." "MAN:" "You're joking." "Yep." "Got a key in his pocket and all." "My wife went for me this morning, while I was laying in bed." "She whacked me right across the back of the nut." "Ah, I shouldn't have ever got married." "I ain't the marrying sort." "What do you want then, Dave, if you don't want marriage?" "Plenty of the other." "They're gonna do a clothes factory and get a new rig out." "Smashing!" "Here, do you think you could get me something for me honeymoon?" "Hey, you heard what happened to Justin, didn't you?" "No, what happened to him?" "He robbed this bank, and he was getting away with the money over this big wall when he slipped and took the top of his finger off on the broken glass!" "(LAUGHS) Well, he's down on the ground there looking for it" "I mean, he can't leave it, can he?" "Because the police will find it they'll take a fingerprint off it and do him for the bank robbery!" "(CHATTERING)" "Has Dave kissed you yet tonight?" "No." "Well, get him worked up." "Give him a love bite, that'll do it." "Three packets of crisps." "Hello." "I've been studying the form on that bird over there." "You know old Taylor." "Course you know him." "Woman hater." "You know, he was a bachelor all his life." "I don't believe he ever spoke to a woman if he could help it." "Well, last week, he ups and dies." "And there I am, clearing out his drawers for him 'cause you know he had no family, you know." "And I'm clearing out these here drawers, and I come across a huge collection" "of dirty postcards." "Oh!" "The dirty old man." "You never saw nothing like it in all your life." "Well, I was married to my Bill for 20 years and we never got up to capers like that." "Have you been swimming?" "Why?" "I thought you looked a little bit cleaner." "You'd have to be an acrobat to do things like that." "Did you bring any home?" "No, of course not!" "I'd have got nicked if I'd have had those in me pocket." "There was one of them, with a man standing... (PEOPLE SINGING)" "Pulled a good motor at the sales the other day." "Jaguar, Mark II, 1952." "150 quid." "That's fair." "Spray it up, give it a clean up, I should get 250 for it." "Hey, Lil." "You should go on." "Come on." "Oh, no, no, no." "(ALL SHOUTING)" "Ah, you're making me do it!" "(ALL CLAPPING)" "Who's gonna buy a blue Jag?" "That's the only paint I got." "I've been on me holidays in Lincoln." "Yeah?" "For three years." "Only got out last Monday night." "(INDISTINCT)" "He put us up in the front where we couldn't do nothing." "I was choked." "# She looked at me And then you could see" "# Before too long I'd fall in love with her" "# How could I dance with another When I saw her standing there" "# Well, my heart went boom" "# As you crossed that room" "# And you held my hand" "# In mine #" "He's a boy and I'm glad of that." "I'll soon teach him to thieve." "Like that film, Fagin, you know." "Wait until he's nine or ten then send him out pinching." "What are you going to do till he's nine or ten?" "Send the missus out on the game." "You wouldn't do that." "Who wouldn't?" "I'd send me mother too." "He would, too, if anybody'd have her." "Where are you going on your holidays, Lil?" "Well, I usually go up to me sister's, in Nottingham, you know." "Yeah, we get blind, though, every night." "We come out of the pub arm over tit!" "We don't have a lark." "You don't go arm over tit when you come out of this pub." "I've spent all me club money." "Isn't he a darling, then?" "I don't half fancy a snog tonight, you know." "When you've been going steady for six months, it gets a bit boring, snogging with the same fellow every night." "And you know, I've noticed when we're out," "Terry will start looking at other birds." "He says to me, "Are you all right, love?"" "And then his eyes will wander off and get affixiated at some silly cow." "So then I says, "What's wrong then?" ""Am I so boring?"" "You, Romeo." "Hey." "# Oh, do it again" "# I may cry, no, no, no, no, no" "# But do it again" "# My lips just ache to have you take" "# The kiss that's waiting for you" "# You know if you do" "# You won't regret it Come along and get it" "# Oh #" "I reckon I'm the only one out of this lot who wants to work." "I was cleaning these windows, you see, in these posh flats here in Kensington." "So the bird there, the one who lives there, she comes up to me and says, would I leave her bedroom to last, right?" "As though she wants to get changed." "I said, fair enough." "So I'm cleaning the windows in her bedroom, enjoying myself, and she sits down on the bed and she starts taking her stockings off" "real slowly like, you know what I mean?" "No." "It's fantastic." "Yes, you do." "You see." "Anyway the following week, she phones up the firm and says, would they be sure and send the same fellow round next week, because he was very satisfactory." "Sylvie, what about a song from you, love?" "Come on!" "Sing it!" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "(INAUDIBLE)" "# I wanna be loved by you,just you" "# And nobody else but you" "# I wanna be loved by you alone" "# Shoo boop be doo" "Well, last year I'm sitting out the front in a deck chair when along comes my little granddaughter!" "She makes me laugh so much" "I fall right through the bloody canvas me legs go up in the air and I tears me drawers!" "(ALL LAUGHING)" "(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)" "Nature calls me sometimes." "I get the call of nature." "Oh, I might be a bit wheezy, but I'm still living, you know!" "(LAUGHS)" "# Shoo boop be doo Ooh boop be doo" "Tell us all about your love affair." "#Just you and nobody else will do" "# I wanna be loved by you" "# Alone" "# Scoo boop be doo #" "Oh, look at that, Sylvie." "That old man in the gutter." "We better turn him over in case he's our dad." "Where do you think you're going all dressed up like the Queen of Sheba?" "Well, what's that to you, you fifth-rate ponce?" "Always was one with the men, weren't you?" "Anything in trousers, you'd have him." "You dirty sod!" "I hope your guts drop out!" "You bleeding slag, you don't give your son nothing." "I gave him two shirts for Christmas!" "MAN:" "That's right." "Give her a belting." "She deserves it." "You, shut up." "(ALL YELLING)" "I know you been with that bleeding prostitute." "(ALL SHOUTING)" "Why don't you leave your wife alone?" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "Give it to him, girl." "Go on!" "Go on, Sylvie, give him one." "Never mind." "Leave her alone, you dirty big slag." "Come on, what's going on here?" "(ALL YELLING)" "Leave her alone." "Slosh him." "Go on, belt him one!" "You dirty sod!" "And you try and..." "Take her home and lock her up!" "She's not fit enough to walk the streets." "Leave her alone!" "It's nothing, inspector." "Honest." "We're just on our way home." "Never mind, Sylvie." "Keep never minding." "It's only for life." "(ROCK SONG PLAYING)" "There's only two things money can't buy." "That's love and life, isn't it?" "(ROCK SONG PLAYING)" "Lovely motors, them Yanks." "A mate of mine had one of them." "Bought it for 15 nicker and hammered the life out of it." "One night the crank shaft snapped and she slewed into a ditch." "Well, we reckoned she'd had it." "She wasn't licensed or insured nor nothing." "So, we got out and said goodbye." "Worked the big dipper, didn't I?" "I got the sack, yeah." "I got drunk one night, knocked a cripple off the line." "He was mending it!" "He was a bleeding cripple, right?" "Couldn't get out of the way in time." "He'd probably got done in by the H-bomb" "if you hadn't killed him." "Yeah, you're probably right." "Have you heard about that four-minute lark?" "No, mate." "What?" "Yeah, what is it, the Geneva Convention or something, they've agreed, like, to phone up the other side four minutes before they let off their rockets." "Give them a chance to prepare themselves." "Yeah." "Once one bomb explodes, it starts off a whole chain of bombs exploding!" "Norway, France." "All over the place." "You've had it." "We had this lecture at school, yeah." "On civil defence or something." "Yeah, what do you do if the H-bomb drops?" "800 yards or over, you're all right." "If you lay flat on your face and cover all of your bare skin the radiation passes right over you." "All I want is a bike and ten pound a week." "There's one thing I can't stand and it's being skint." "Oh, somebody's got an handsome pair of ankles, then." "How about me seeing you home, darling?" "Me mother'll be there, love." "Well, don't worry about it." "I'll give her a shilling and send her off to see Mickey Mouse." "Hey, Terry, come over here." "Stop chatting up the other bird." "I thought of going back to screwing for a living, but then if I get three of five years..." "No." "Can't do that." "That's a great big hunk out of me life, isn't it?" "It's ignorance causes wars." "In my opinion, it's ignorance what causes wars." "Yeah, you're badly off." "If you don't know the facts you're very badly off." "I was a truck driver 11 years." "I'd leave for Scotland 12:00 at night." "Eleven bleeding years." "Still, we had a great time." "Liverpool, Hull, Manchester, Newcastle." "I know 'em all." "Manchester's the best place of the lot." "The clubs there, you couldn't get better clubs anywhere." "Coke, please love." "What do you want?" "What do you want?" "Coke, please." "Here you go." "All right." "If you had the price of a drink or lodging for the night, you'd always have the drink, stuff the lodging, and sleep in the cab." "One and nine." "You don't get the same crowd on the roads these days." "Yeah, they're a lousy lot, the drivers." "But I'll tell you." "Boys tell me the clubs in Manchester ain't the same any more." "I'll tell you why." "You've got a lot of new management in these places..." "We tried to get some of the boys to come in here time and time again." "She's failed twice." "She must need her eyesight tested." "If I had a lot of money, I'd take you down to the south of France." "Give you the time you deserve." "I was offered this job by a Yid." "Four bob an hour, digging up graves, to get the rings off corpses." "No thanks, I said." "I'd rather get myself kept by some rich old bag." "Ooh, I'm ever so rich." "Oh, yeah?" "When do you start paying out?" "Why should we think ahead?" "What's there to think ahead to, except growing old?" "(ENGINE REVVING)" "BOY:" "Have a ride." "Come on, then." "Yeah, well, I can't get me knees apart, Terry." "Well, pull your skirt up so you can." "Hey, I ain't gonna do that, me grandmother would catch cold." "Oh, don't worry about it." "Hand it over and I'll keep it warm for you, all right?" "Oh, charming." "You're a right one to go out with, aren't you?" "Get on and stop whining." "Hey, you can bleeding go on your own." "Hey, Dave?" "How about a burn up?" "(ROCK SONG PLAYING)" "(TYRES SCREECHING)" "(CRASH)" "Keep him warm." "Okay?" "He's getting cold." "I learnt that in the Boy Scouts." "(CAR DOORS CLOSE)" "You ain't got a mirror on you, have you, love?" "I want to hold it to his mouth, see if he's still breathing." "WOMAN:" "Can we drive him to hospital?" "They won't let him in." "He's dead." "Oh, my mate, Johnny?" "Fell 30 feet off the scaffolding on Friday." "(SIGHS) Still unconscious." "(CLICKS TONGUE) Foreman reckons he's gonna rig it." "Said he had a little hole in his shoe." "Tripped over backwards." "But really, there weren't any safety rails." "DAVE:" "I got three years borstal for me first offence." "I don't reckon the judge liked the look of me." ""How much lead you took?" he says to me." ""Oh, about one-and-a-half tonne," I says." ""I ripped it off all the canvas roofs in the fairground."" "I don't think he was amused." "I was working in Ford's, weren't I?" "I started nicking cars straight off the production line." "Yeah, well, I mean, all complete except for the number plates." "I'd park them at a field behind our factory." "I'd drive them away, sell them for spare parts." "I got two years in a Yorkshire borstal. (SIGHS)" "I've only been with this girl three or four times and I got nicked." "I didn't realise she was pregnant till I was away." "They brings her up to Yorkshire, marries us off in a chapel." "I only saw her for an hour in the waiting room." "(SIGHS)" "She goes off at me for going out." "I suppose we just don't get on, you know?" "BOY:" "Hmm." "(SIGHS)" "Now I got a son called Shane." "She's got long hair, right down her back, you know?" "(BOY LAUGHING)" "I like long hair, don't I?" "10% of our cars get snatched back." "The other 30% we let them have over longer payments." "It's our job to smooth away the markings." "So they can see their way to buy a car." "It make no difference to us if they don't complete the payments." "It's the finance company that take the rap." "And if they lose too much money, well, they don't finance you any more." "So you go with another company." "When no finance company will take you on, well, you just go bust and go into some other business." "I'm in right trouble, I am." "Whacked a copper, didn't I?" "Pushing me around on the pavement, all that old lark." "So I chinned him and I ran down the road, see?" "He come after me with another copper." "They caught up with me and dragged me down the station." "Look what they done to me back." "Look." "JUDGE:" "These knives found on your person could be very useful for opening window catches with, couldn't they?" "Could be very useful for eating your dinner with and all." "Yeah." "And what do you use these wire clippers and crowbars for?" "They're the tools of me trade, governor." "I'm a scrap merchant, ain't I?" "What are they doing in your car?" "Ah, well, I collect a lot of junk in me car, see, governor." "Perhaps if you had a car, you might put a little bit of junk in your car and all." "Dave will probably go to the Yorkshire, same as us." "You reckon?" "Donald still there, eh?" "Donald?" "You know, that skinny scrub in the cookhouse." "Oh, yeah." "Great big ovens." "(CLICKS TONGUE) The strokes we used to get up to." "Yeah." "I was on a farm, weren't I?" "Tractors and that." "Then they sent me out on a working party." "Bit of a farmer, eh?" "Yeah." "Old Kelly." "I reckon he's still there." "Old Kelly?" "Biggest queen in the business, weren't he, eh?" "EILEEN:" "Hello, love." "Hello, sweetie." "Hello, love." "All right?" "Would you get us two coffees?" "BOY:" "Sure, of course I will." "Here." "Know what happened to him?" "RUBE:" "What?" "He's swinging in his cradle, isn't he, halfway up the building, whistling at some bird." "So he lets the rope slip." "Nearly chops his hand off." "(EILEEN AND RUBE LAUGHING)" "Not only that, but the next morning he does the same thing whistling at the same bird." "Oh, I reckon he must fancy her, don't you?" "EILEEN:" "Yeah." "Two coffees, was it?" "RUBE:" "Yes, please." "BOY:" "Yes, two coffees." "You wouldn't like three?" "RUBE:" "Two will be enough for now." "All right." "Two coffees, then, sunshine." "But that ain't the half of it, anyhow." "Me mate comes along in the night, didn't he?" "Goes and nicks half the scaffolding." "Turns up to work next morning, up in the cradle about 50 feet, the whole lot caves in." "Tell you he did it, did he?" "BOY:" "Yeah." "The guv'nor couldn't do me seeing as I nearly broke me neck." "Yeah, Rube, you used to go out with Terry." "Yeah, why?" "After his accident, the council only sent his dad in a bill for £5 for the eight buckets of sand they used clearing up the blood." "(POP SONG PLAYING)" "JUDGE:" "You'll go to prison for four years." "It's a shame about what happened to Dave, isn't it?" "Now you'll have to find yourself a new fella." "That's the thing, you see." "What you don't get caught for, you're entitled to do." "EILEEN:" "They looking after you all right?" "(DAVE SCOFFS)" "DAVE:" "Okay, you know." "I've been staying in most of the time." "(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah?" "I have, honest." "No boys?" "No, don't seem to be interested." "What do you do, then?" "Oh, I just stay at home." "I get ever so bad tempered now." "I never used to be." "I'm writing a book." "Are you?" "It's gonna be called In, Out, In." "See this skirt?" "A month ago, this skirt was too tight for me." "Look at it now." "I can get whole handfuls of it." "That's dieting, that is." "I've missed you." "Have you?" "Have you really?" "Yeah." "Did you remember that barn off of the Sidcup mile?" "And I said I loved you, and you said..." "Do you?" "Yeah, I do." "I had to evict my father-in-law." "It was a shocking business." "He was 64." "No, I tell a lie, 65." "And his wife died." "And he began bringing back old women." "Misbehaving himself with them in his room." "Disgusting." "At his age, too." "Anyhow..." "Give us a quid, love." "You'll get me nicked." "No." "Stick it under the table with your chewing gum." "Then go and get another cup of tea and I'll take it." "Two cups of tea and a packet of biscuits, please." "She liked the fur." "Got it at Brixton Market." "It was a nice fur, good colour and all, but it turned out too short after she'd had her operation at the hospital." "She's taller than ever." "Borstal is all right." "Sort of a university for them that couldn't afford Oxford." "(CHUCKLES)" "Do you think it's too late for me to get meself a decent education?" "Because she's growing taller," "I had to have a bed specially made for her." "A fellow in the next cell has done himself in." "EILEEN:" "No." "Yeah." "Know what he's done?" "He's filled his pot with water, stood in it and plugged himself into the electric light socket." "Oh, no." "Oh..." "(LAUGHS) Silly bastard." "Well, he got a "Dear John"." "You know, a letter from his bird saying that she didn't want to know any more." "(BELL RINGING)" "You know what?" "I'm courting again." "Oh, you're not!" "I met him up at the mission." "You know, one of those shilling dinners for old age pensioners." "He kept asking me up to tea." "Course I knew he had a place of his own and that his wife has been dead 18 months, but I didn't fancy going up there." "You know what men are, don't ya?" "All right, so long as you keep your hands on your apron." "(ALL LAUGHING)" "She ought to know." "Well, I went up Sunday and cooked his dinner for him." "Cor, it weren't half cold up there." ""Eh, you ought to get a fire going for me," I says." ""Why you cold duck," he says." ""Get under them covers."" "They never know when they're past it, do they, Mrs Hardy?" "(MRS HARDY LAUGHING)" "MAN:" "I not taking any ready money." "WOMAN:" "All you've got is drawers." "I don't want drawers." "MAN:" "Well, you all wear them, don't ya?" "MRS HARDY: "Blimey," I says, when he asked me to be his housekeeper." ""Don't swear here," he says." ""This is God's house."" ""Well, God might tempt me," I says." "Now then, now then." "What do you want?" "But I don't really want to get married again." "I had such a rotten husband." "He used to give me 38 bob a week and stop two bob income tax." "Oh, the mingy sod." "Oh!" "This one's 74 and he's got 50 quid." "He's promised to take me to Bromsgrove for a fortnight." "WOMAN:" "That'd be lovely." "Mind you, I've been a widow for 14 years and I know how to look after meself." "And even if I don't, there ain't much chance of me getting in a family way, now, is there?" "Any piece thruppence." "Here." "Nice pair of woollen undies here." "Oh, I'll have 'em." "Oh, they're rotten at the crotch!" "What's the matter with you?" "Scummy Lil was here yesterday." "Come round after buying a pair of drawers." "Held 'em up against her, she did." ""Come off it," I said." ""What do you want with a pair of drawers?"" "WOMAN:" "Yeah, what do you want for this lovely thing here?" "MAN:" "That turban?" "Yeah." "MAN:" "Shilling." "Shilling?" "Yeah." "I'll give you tuppence." "Oh." "Worn by a film star, that was, I might tell ya." "(WOMAN LAUGHING)" "She told me to keep it quiet." "WOMAN:" "Who?" "Mickey Mouse?" "(LAUGHING)" "Look, Robin Hood shoes, they are." "Where's the other one to that, then?" "Ain't you got the other one to that?" "I can't find it." "Somebody's knocked it off." "A one-legged bloke must have knocked it off." "How's that?" "Here, Mrs Hardy." "What about that one?" "MAN:" "Soft shoe." "When he kicks you, you won't feel it." "(COUGHING)" "(IN RASPY VOICE) Look what the doctor gave me." "It's nice, isn't it?" "WOMAN:" "Oh, it's nice." "Oh, lovely." "Yeah." "WOMAN 1:" "Yeah." "It was about 9:00 last night." "I saw the ambulance outside their house." "So I went out and I met the ambulance man coming out of the telephone kiosk." "So I says, "Is it Mrs Hardy?" He says, "Yeah."" "WOMAN 2:" "She was a scrubber all her life." "Ever since she was 14, she worked in them baths." "Boiling hot in the summer, damp and draughty in winter." "Surprised it didn't finish her off sooner." "WOMAN 3:" "I had this lodger died in bed." "I had coal black hair and I wore a pink satin blouse." "I laid him out and tied his jaw up with a hanky to the bed rail." "When my husband come in, he says, "What you done that for?" ""They'll think you strangled him. "" "I'd soon rather have a horse and cart." "You get to the grave too soon in a motor." "WOMAN 4:" "I says to Arthur, "If I ever die," ""bury me with me knickers on. "" "And he says," ""Who do you think is gonna take liberties you with, eh?"" "(LAUGHS) "You never know, "I says." "EILEEN:" "Are you frightened of dying, Sylvie?" "SYLVIE:" "Nah." "You can't get hurt when you're dead." "WOMAN:" "You hear about Mr Marpole over the road?" "He won 70 quid on the pools and he spent it all on a stone for his grave." "He's got it propped up in his backyard, waiting." "You ever see one of them urns?" "You'd never think they'd get me in one of them, would ya?" "I wouldn't like to be cremated." "You can't have no visitors to your grave." "Just shut up in one of them urns ain't much fun." "Ah, but I reckon it stops the spread of disease." "The bodies don't get handled so much." "The soil must throw out something bad." "WOMAN:" "They reckon you're in a standing position when you're cremated." "When they open the drapes, you work along a slide till you're standing up." "And then the relatives say goodbye." "MAN:" "Anyway, she was paid up with her insurance." "It's better to pay a bob a week and know you're gonna be properly buried, not bunged in with some stranger." "SYLVIE:" "Remember the night Terry got killed?" "I was over at Marge's house, washing me hair." "And Rube came screaming down the road." "His eyes come out." "His teeth went through the back of his head and the handlebars went through his chest." "Poor Rube." "She was getting engaged in a fortnight." "MRS HARDY:" "I told him I wanted to be buried just up the road, not too far from home." "I was born in Battersea, I lived all me life in Battersea, so I don't want to go and get buried in Wandsworth, do I?" "Here." "Do you see him?" "Do you know what?" "Patsy went with him twice and his wife's knocked up." "EILEEN:" "No." "RUBE:" "I'm not kidding." "There's no stopping them, is there?" "Hey, do you see that woman over there?" "She's got a finger in all the screws in Battersea." "Hey, do you want any cheap underwear?" "Birdseed?" "Boxing gloves?" "Coming dancing tonight at The North Pole?" "Do you reckon it?" "Ooh, Sylvie, look." "Ain't half a gorgeous fella in that bread shop." "Should we go in?" "Are you coming?" "Oh, what a shame you weren't in there, eh?" "But June's got a pair of them." "I ain't speaking to her no more, you know." "Why?" "Well, last night, we're both babysitting and these two blokes came down for us." "And she said to me, "I'm gonna take the bed."" "And I said, "You're not, mate." ""You're gonna take the sofa and we'll swap halfway."" "(PINBALL MACHINES CLATTERING)" "RUBE:" "You know what I really fancy?" "Black rinse with blue lights in it." "I was gonna bleach my hair, you know." "But Sylvie reckons I'll look like a bleached beacon on a dark night." "SYLVIE:" "How about that, then?" "RUBE:" "Hey." "Do you see her?" "Her over there?" "Yeah." "She done her house up all posh." "Filled it with coloureds." "Tasty like The Black and White Minstrel Show." ""What are you after?" "A bit of jungle juice, love?" I asked her." "You never!" "Should we go up the Pay As You Wear shop and choose a couple of frocks?" "I've broken off my engagement." "I kept the ring, though." "I got so depressed, I took up evening classes." "Oh, any good fellas there?" "No." "I only went twice and I give it up." "Why it's silly to go to evening classes, love." "I mean, you're only young once." "You can spend all your time going to evening class when you're an old bag." "(POP SONG PLAYING)"