"SHE LAUGHS" "'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.'" "# She's Mrs Brown Agnes" "# That's Mrs Brown Agnes" "# Oh, Mrs Brown. #" "I don't know what's wrong with you, dog." "DOG WHINES This is good-quality food." "There's dogs all over the world who'd be delighted with this." "Spartacus still not eating?" "Not a bit." "Sugar." "What?" "Sprinkle a bit of sugar over it." "It'll entice the dog to eat." "I read it somewhere." "Oh." "Spartacus." "Now look, sugar!" "DOG WHINES" "Pretend to eat it, Agnes." "What?" "If you pretend to eat it, the dog will get jealous." "Very protective of their dinners, dogs are." "Spartacus, I'm going to eat this now, look." "Agnes, like a dog!" "Here, put it on the floor and I'll show you." "Here, Spartacus." "Come on, darling." "Look what I have!" "Come on, Spartacus." "Num, num, num, num." "Look, look!" "No, Winnie, no." "What?" "Winnie, no, no." "She goes in sideways." "Like this." "Come on, Spartacus, pet, come on." "Come on, Spartacus!" "Num, num, num." "Oh, this is lovely." "Oh, yes, Spartacus." "Come on, darling." "Come on, Spartacus, come on!" "Come on." "Your dinner's gone." "It's gone!" "Num, num, num, num!" "Mammy!" "When you're finished your breakfast, Professor Clowne would like to ask you some questions." "I'm off." "Would you like a cup of tea?" "That depends." "Will you answer the questions the professor wants to ask you for his book?" "As long as it doesn't take too long." "Thank you, Mrs Brown." "I didn't say you could fuckin' move in." "Mammy!" "Oh, now, what's that?" "Just a computer to record the interview." "Oh, well, you see, there." "And if a man had a 3.5-inch floppy, he kept it to himself." "If it takes all this equipment, would we be better doing it another night?" "It is cumbersome." "I could come back later in the week if you like." "Wednesday night, that suit?" "Yes, that'd be fine." "Just not now." "I'll walk you out to your car." "Wednesday night." "Something to look forward to, Mrs Brown." "Oh, I'll be waiting with bated breath(!" ")" "FRONT DOOR SHUTS" "Hello." "You just missed Cathy with the professor." "There's something not right about him." "I don't know what it is." "My father used to say, "If it grunts like a pig and walks like a pig," ""it's probably your mother."" "Mammy, is me blouse on the clothes line?" "No, why?" "Do you need it for tonight?" "Are you going on a date with Clown the shrink?" "His name is Clowne, Mammy!" "Thomas Clowne, not CLOWN." "And he's not a shrink, he's a psychiatrist." "He's a fuckin' clown." "Well, I find him interesting." "I find Mexican food interesting, but I wouldn't take me clothes off for it." "I'm telling you, there's something weird." "I can't put me finger on it, but if I did, I'd have to wash me feckin' hands." "DOG WHINES" "It's OK, girl." "Take it easy." "Here's Donatella!" "Mammy, Spartacus looks a bit sluggish." "I know. she caught something wild and ate it." "Must have." "I'll get her to the Blue Cross vet during the week." "I'll take her tomorrow." "Good boy." "Look at you." "I say, that brings back memories." "What?" "Do you not remember your turtle?" "Zip?" "Oh, God, yeah!" "Zip!" "I forgot about him." "Old Spartacus didn't like him." "She did, more than you think." "I remember now." "Daddy gave him to a farmer." "Well, not exactly." "Spartacus killed it." "We used the shell for an ashtray." "Shit happens, son!" "That looks big and bulky." "It is." "Last day, thank God." "Tomorrow I'm promoting Star Trek." "Oh, it will be nice to see you coming out of your shell!" "SHE CHUCKLES" "God, I remember the day Daddy brought her home." "She was just a little puppy." "Well, she's not a puppy any more." "I picked her name, you know." "Spartacus." "That's right." "Here, Spartacus!" "Good girl, Spartacus!" "Yeah, Rory. we get the point." "That was 15 years ago." "She's old and tired now." "She can barely bark any more." "SCOTTISH ACCENT:" "She just cannae take any more, Captain!" "But putting her down, God, that feels like murder." "# There was a young sailor... # Psst!" "Watch it!" "# Who sat on the dock" "# Shaking and waving his big hairy fist... #" "Cathy, I rinsed out your blouse." "Thanks, Mammy." "# He had a nice boyfriend and he liked to hunt" "# He sat by the river..." "# Eating the sandwiches... #" "I'm going to hang it on the line now." "Right, she's gone." "Now, the big question." "Who's going to tell Mammy?" "Well, not me." "Not me." "Not me." "Not me." "Well, not me." "Not me!" "She loves that dog." "I'll kill that fuckin' dog." "Mammy needs to be told." "No, not me." "Come on, Mark, you know you're the best at talking to her." "BOTH:" "Yeah." "Aye." "OK, I'll do it." "Poor Mammy, she'll be very upset." "Is there not a home we could put her into?" "Then she could spend her last days with other old bitches." "Well, I could ring around and check out a good home." "But we have to do something, and soon." "Maria's right." "She's getting worse." "I'm afraid to let her go near Bono." "She keeps trying to lick him." "I was watching her in the back garden last week." "She was just pissing as she walked along." "And the worst thing was she didn't even know it." "Look, she doesn't know where she is half the time." "I think her mind has gone." "Right, then, it's agreed, she has to go." "I'll tell her, but not yet." "Give her a week or so." "ALL:" "Yeah." "Are you OK, Mammy?" "I never felt better in me fuckin' life!" "Right." "What about the other thing?" "The birthday surprise." "Shh!" "Will you shut up, Rory?" "He's going to give it away!" "Rory, the party is a secret." "If I hear you let it out, I'll kill you." "I'm only asking where we are on it." "Well, I'll talk to Winnie and make sure she has everybody down at Foley's for about 9pm." "But we do the surprise thing here, right?" "Right." "But in the meantime, nobody mention her birthday." "We'll all pretend we forgot it." "THEY ALL LAUGH" "Oh, I have to go apartment hunting with Dino." "I hope you have better luck than me and Maria." "I'm sure they will." "At least they're looking." "It's not easy." "The ones we like, we can't afford and all the rest of them are dumps." "Still, it's great fun poking around in other people's places." "Does Mammy know you're moving out yet?" "Nah, I won't say anything until we have a place." "Well, be prepared." "She'll not be happy." "I know." "I'm not looking forward to telling her." "Would you like me to tell her?" "Would you?" "No." "Right." "I'm off for me jog!" "Oh, Jesus." "Have you gone completely mad, Agnes Brown?" "Waa..." "What?" "Waa..." "Waaaaaa." "Water!" "Yeah." "Get inside." "I'll get you water, love." "Waa..." "Oh, Winnie, I passed Mrs O'Brien on the way out." "She said, "Hello, Mr McEnroe."" "She's on feckin' drugs!" "Here." "Drink that, and I'll get you some tea." "Winnie, me life flashed before me eyes." "What were you doing, Agnes?" "Laps." "Laps of the house." "You'll kill yourself, you will." "How many did you do?" "One." "You've gone mad, Agnes!" "Winnie, they're watching everything I do." "The professor's writing things down." "I have to prove that I'm mentally and physically fit." "Oh, I don't know, Agnes." "Here, I'll get you that tea." "I'm grand." "Well, I'll check in and see you later, all right?" "OK." "Put that telly on, love." "Where's the remote, pet?" "See if it is down the arm of the chair." "OK." "Ah, no!" "No, you have to go under it." "Go under it." "Yeah, I have it, but..." "Ah, shite!" "Did you drop it?" "No, me arm is stuck!" "Hold on, hold on." "On three!" "OK." "One, two, three." "One, two, three." "One, two, three!" "Mammy!" "Right, that's me warmed up for me jog!" "But, Mammy, the interview..." "I'm too busy!" "AGNES SNIFFS" "Winnie?" "Mmm-hmm." "Can you smell methylated spirits?" "Jesus, Agnes, I can barely spell me name." "I'm exhausted from that jogging today." "Well, you're no Paula Radcliffe." "Huh!" "You should talk." "I've seen you run." "It's like watching a blind ferret in a minefield." "Winnie, get us another drink, will you?" "I can't get up." "If I do, me arse will fall off." "Right." "Look, Cathy, there's Winnie going to the bar." "Now's your chance to nab her on her own." "You're right." "Rory, with your mother there on her own, it might be a good idea to tell her we're getting an apartment together." "Do you want me to tell her?" "ALL:" "No!" "All right, here goes." "Good luck." "He'll need it." "He's so brave!" "All right, son?" "Mammy, while I have you on your own, can I talk to you?" "Sure." "Sit down." "What is it?" "Mammy, I've been thinking..." "What's seldom is wonderful." "Mammy, do you not think the house is a bit crowded?" "So it's you." "I thought it was going to be Mark." "What?" "Winnie, did anyone tell you about the party?" "No!" "What party?" "We're organising a surprise party for Mammy's birthday next week." "She'll be thrilled." "Anything I can do to help?" "Actually, there is." "Can you arrange for all her friends from the bingo to be down here for about 9pm?" "I can." "We're going to surprise her at home, then have the party here." "Well, you leave everything to me, Cathy, I'll have everybody there." "Ah, thanks, Winnie." "And, listen, not a word!" "Oh." "AGNES SNIFFS" "No, Rory..." "No!" "I don't think the house is crowded." "I like the house exactly the way it is, thank you." "No, I'm putting it wrong." "Mammy, do you not think that no matter how comfortable you are at home the time comes to..." "leave?" "No!" "Go somewhere new?" "No!" "Ah, Mammy, everybody else is gone." "I don't care what everybody else is doing." "I like me house exactly the way it is." "If it doesn't suit you, you can fuckin' move out." "Well, how did it go?" "I'm not sure." "At first, she wouldn't let me leave, then I think she threw me out!" "What was all that about?" "They're definitely putting me in a home!" "Who is?" "The family." "Ah, no, they're not." "They are, Winnie." "I hear them talking about it, and they're whispering." "TEARFULLY:" "They think I don't see them, but I do." "That'll be about the parrr..." "What?" "Nothing." "You're imagining it." "Maybe you're right." "Maybe I'm losing me marbles." "The psychiatrist!" "What?" "Cathy's boyfriend, the psychiatrist." "He's not interviewing me for a book, he's testing me for the home!" "Hold on, Agnes..." "Well, I'll tell you now, Winnie, they'll have to drag me out of that house screaming." "And I'm taking every strip of fuckin' wallpaper with me." "Well, now, here's the man that God forgot." "How are you, Grandad?" "Were you out for your evening walk?" "Just up the graveyard." "Oh, who's dead?" "The whole feckin' lot of them!" "Hello, son!" "Can I sit for a second?" "Is there something wrong?" "No, Ma." "I just wanted to ask you not to make any plans for Friday night." "Friday night?" "We're all going to be here for a family meeting." "Family meeting, is it?" "SPARTACUS WHINES" "We need to discuss something." "Do we?" "Make a decision." "I see." "Then we're going to take you somewhere." "Oh!" "Are youse?" "Yeah, but it's somewhere nice." "Is it now?" "SHE SOBS" "Mark, are youse all together on this?" "Yes, Ma." "Every one of us." "Well, you won't take me without a fight, you bastards!" "What?" "Mammy, let me explain." "No!" "I'm going out to feed the dog." "SPARTACUS WHINES" "I'm going, Ma." "Hiya, Mark." "Sit down." "Where's Mammy?" "Out the back feeding Spartacus." "Did you tell her about putting the dog in a home?" "I prepared her." "Kind of." "She's in a very weird mood." "I'm going." "See ya." "Mammy, Thomas is here!" "Oh, for feck's sake!" "That's nice(!" ")" "Are you sure you want to do this, Thomas?" "I've tried working with my mother before and she makes YOU feel like the patient." "With respect, Cathy, I have a lot more experience of these matters than you have." "OK." "Thomas." "Hello, Mrs Brown." "Hello, Dr Zhivago." "Mrs Brown, I hope you're ready to answer those few questions" "Cathy was telling you about." "It's research for my book." "Yeah, research(!" ") For a book(!" ")" "Oh, yeah(!" ")" "Interview with Mrs Agnes Brown." "Female subject aged...?" "Over 21." "Do you mind if I stay?" "Sorry, what did you say?" "DO YOU MIND IF SHE STAYS?" "MIC FEEDBACK SCREECHES" "No, Cathy, you sit there." "Now, Mrs Brown, could you pick one obvious difference between your mother and yourself?" "Yes, I could." "Over." "Right." "And what would it be?" "My mother is dead." "I am not." "Over." "No, Mrs Brown, I'm looking for an opinion." "In my opinion... my mother is dead." "We fuckin' buried her." "Over." "Three out of three." "Mrs Brown, let me explain." "I'm trying to compare things from your mother's time with your time." "Mammy, Thomas wants..." "Ah, Cathy!" "Please..." "Excuse me." "Now, Mrs Brown, I want you to cast your mind back to your mother's day." "Mother's Day?" "Yes." "The 29th of March." "What?" "That was Mother's Day." "HE CHUCKLES No, Mrs Brown, your MOTHER'S day." "That was everybody's Mother's Day." "Or did you not have a mother?" "Of course I had a mother." "And did you love her?" "Course I loved her." "Then why didn't you remember on Mother's Day?" "TEARFULLY:" "Well, I did." "She was always so busy." "All those friends of hers." "That social circle." "She never had any time for me, you know." "Me!" "Her little boy!" "HE SOBS" "Thomas, are you all right?" "Are you fuckin' blind?" "AGNES MOUTHS" "SHE MOUTHS:" "Stop it!" "I'm sorry." "Oh, dear." "How unprofessional." "Oh, not at all, son." "Don't be worried." "These things happen." "(I'm not fuckin' doing it." "He's mad.) (Mammy!" ")" "Now, Mrs Brown, where were we?" "You were saying that your mother didn't like you." "HE SOBS" "MOUTHS:" "He's fuckin' mad." "So... how is he?" "I put him in a taxi." "I can see the headlines in the morning..." ""Taxi man fuckin' hangs himself."" "Mammy!" "He was very upset." "Well, you can't blame him." "It's hard enough driving a taxi around" "Dublin without picking up lunatics as well." "Not the taxi driver, Mammy, Thomas." "Thomas was upset!" "Oh." "Well, maybe he's not." "Maybe he's relieved now that he's said that." "Out, you know." "Now he realises that he's, you know... mad." "Mammy, maybe you're right." "Maybe he does feel better for getting that out." "You can't move forward while you're looking backwards." "You're right." "I know it." "Have you ever thought about becoming a counsellor?" "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Cathy, I'd never get elected." "No, Mammy, a counsellor..." "I mean listening to people's problems and helping them find the answers." "That's what a counsellor does." "That's funny, that's what a mother does too." "Except we don't get paid." "I suppose." "SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY" "Mammy... did Mark talk to you about the home?" "Yes, he did." "I'm sorry, Mammy." "Are you upset?" "No, no, I'm fuckin' delighted(!" ")" "What do you think?" "!" "It is for the best." "Oh!" "Et tu, Brutus!" "That's right, stab me in the back, just like Brutus did to..." "Popeye!" "Mammy, it really is for the best." "It's a lovely home." "AGNES SOBS It's clean, and there's lots of fields, and plenty of space to run around." "Am I Red Rum all of a sudden?" "!" "Mammy, the people running this place are so dedicated." "TEARFULLY:" "I don't care!" "They go around all day with smiles on their faces picking up shit with their little scoops." "SHE SOBS VIOLENTLY" "Look, Mammy, I'm sorry you're upset." "Upset...?" "It is for the best." "Now good night!" "AGNES JABBERS" "SHE JABBERS" "Shit scoopers?" "!" "Are youse ready?" "Yeah, will you come on?" "I'm in here ages." "Shut up, Buster." "Are youse ready?" "ALL:" "Yeah!" "BOTH:" "Ready!" "Ma, are you right?" "What's the suitcase for?" "They're my curtains." "I'll take them if I want them." "So are you ready?" "OK." "Let's go." "Now!" "ALL:" "Surprise!" "Happy Birthday!" "This is it?" "This is the surprise?" "Yeah." "Are you delighted?" "You've no idea how fuckin' delighted I am." "I thought you were going to put me in a home!" "A home?" "Yes!" "Why would we do that?" "It's in the script." "Ma, we'd be all lost without you." "I suppose." "Oh, no, Mammy, you heard us talking about putting Spartacus in a home." "Spartacus?" "Now, come on, Ma, they're all waiting down at Foleys for you." "Let's get this party started." "ALL:" "Woo-hoo!" "# Oh, when the saints Oh, when the saints" "# Go marching in Go marching in" "# Oh, when the saints go marching in" "# I want to be in that number" "# Oh, when the saints... #" "BOTH MURMUR Are you right?" "Come on, you two." "# Oh, when the saints... # Come on, like this - up!" "# Oh, when the saints... #" "What is it?" "You know I said we were talking about putting Spartacus in a home?" "Yes." "Well, we can't." "Why not?" "Ma, the vet said she was too sick to put her in a home." "Well, then we get another vet." "No, Ma." "We had to have her put her down." "Dermot, the woman was only doing her job." "You can't go around whacking professionals because you disagree with their feckin' diagnosis." "I'm talking about the dog, Ma!" "I know you were." "I was just trying to make light of it." "I remember the day your father brought her home." "She was just a little puppy." "He was drunk." "I went to give him a piece of my mind and he just stood there with a silly feckin' grin on his face and this little hairy thing in his hand." "And the dog running around the feckin' place." "I can't begin to tell you the marvellous summer evenings" "I had with Spartacus, walking along the canal." "Me and your father, Spartacus running ahead of us." "Your father stopping to talk to everyone." "I sat on the bank just there with Spartacus." "I sat there sucking a Fisherman's Friend." "It's nobody's fault." "Mammy, come on and we'll buy you..." "Martyr!" "Sorry." "Don't be like that, Mammy!" "Come on." "We'll buy you that drink." "You go on, love." "I want to get me cigarettes." "I'll follow you down." "OK." "Dermot..." "Come here, son." "Come here." "It was her decision, wasn't it?" "Bitch." "Dermot, son, I'm very sad." "And you know what always cheers me up?" "When you do I'm A Little Teapot." "Chicken!" "Oh." "Happy birthday to me." "Frightened the shite out of me, they did." "Well, I won't be needing that any more." "Go easy, go easy, go easy for feck's sake!" "Get down off the feckin' chair!" "FAINT BARKING" "Good luck, Spartacus." "# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town" "# As the best mum of all She wears the crown" "# Mother hen watching all the chicks" "# Sassy old lady full of tricks" "# It's a safe bet she'd never let" "# Life get her down" "# She's Mrs Brown" "# That's Mrs Brown... #"