"(¢Ü "Fall" by Scott Miller)" "(¢Ü "Taste for Life" by Scott Miller)" "Hey, Billy." " Why not shake another one?" " I can't, Hoover." "I gotta go." "Come on." "Just one more?" "I'll go out with you Saturday night." "You know, if your name wasn't Hoover.." "Yeah, OK." "You know I don't smoke pot." "It destroys your memory." "(giggling) No, it doesn't." " I have a riddle for you." " Yeah?" "What's white and gets shoved in your face by a screaming landlord?" "I wanna say a free, trial-size bottle of shampoo." " An eviction notice." " (scoffs)" "And where is said eviction notice?" "You're smokin' it." "Ooh, you got some other mail, though." "Ugh!" "Great." "Let's just pile it on, why don't we?" "Oh!" "Shit!" "This is from that snowboarding academy I applied to two months ago." "Hey, if I get accepted, this could change our lives forever." "Open it." "Gimme a hit of this first." "You know I don't smoke pot." "It destroys your memory." "No, it doesn't!" "Oh, shit!" "This is from the snowboarding academy I applied to two months ago." "If I'm accepted, this could change our lives forever!" "Open it." "Pine Mountain Academy, here I come!" "(both whoop)" " Case, thanks for comin' with me." " What are best friends for?" "How are you gonna pay for this fancy-shmancy academy anyway?" "I'm just gonna use the money my parents gave me when I promised they never had to see me again." " (Casey laughs)" " But check this out, though." ""The Pine Mountain Academy was founded by Colonel Jaffe, retired,"" "and since its conception they have produced three gold medalists, four national champions and a Saturday morning cartoon series in the Netherlands." "Hey, maybe you just might fall in love with an academy member." "Maybe I will." "They have a state-of-the-art training facility." "Check out this pipe!" "And they have the steepest vertical in the country." "What's it called?" "The Goat." "Only two men have ever skied it and lived." "Oooh!" "The Goat!" "Death trap." "Very cool." "It also says that the locals are a group of colorful natives happy to serve your every need, and only academy members are allowed on the slope." "How's it going, Cornhole?" "I meant Colonel." "Well, I'll tell you, boys.." "it's not goin' that good." "You see, I was about 90 seconds into a three-minute soft-boiled when I saw you little shitbirds crappin' on my snow." "We just pissed!" "We meant no disrespect, brah." "Well, I guess it's no surprise to me that you hogs can't read." "You little cocksuckers got five seconds to get off my mountain!" "Let's time it!" "(all) Five.. four.. three.. two.. one!" "(all) Aaargh!" "Aaargh!" "(Casey) Hey, look, Billy." "There's a "Help Wanted" sign." "Ha!" "Even in the middle of nowhere there's a.." "Naomibucks?" "(both giggle)" " Oh!" " Fuckin' asshole!" "I'm sorry you hit the ground, but maybe you should be watchin' where you're goin'." "Watch where I'm goin'!" "(chuckles)" "Well, I would love to watch where I'm goin'." "The only problem with that is.." "I'm fucking blind!" "I'm blind!" "Oh, sweet Jesus." "I didn't know." "Hey, you must be blind too!" "I'm yellin' at another blind guy!" "That's horrible!" "You wanna touch faces and see what we look like?" "The thing is, I'm not.. blind." "Well!" "Joke's on me." "In that case.." "fuck you!" "Oh, by the way." "Name's Blind Danny Temples." "My card." "For all your housing and realty needs, gimme a call." "I'll help you out." "Welcome to Schittville." "(entrance bell)" " I need a coffee." "Do you want one?" " Sure." "Hello.." " Naomi." " Hi." "Billy." " Can I get a couple of coffees?" " Well, Billy boy, get ready for a treat." " Eight bucks." " Oh." "Keep the change." "Check it!" "The new dude's got wood!" "(laughter)" " So do you!" " I know!" "So does Shaft!" "My shit is rock-hard!" " Quite a little think tank they've got goin" " Aw, just havin' a little good-natured fun." "I'm gonna get in with these guys." "Use a little bit of the Wagstaff charm." "Hey, brahs!" "Billy Wagstaff." "Just got accepted to the academy." "Might be Olympic gold medalist someday." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, I'm Balls, that's Shaft, that's Grabs," "Sack and Gash." "We got a special way of welcoming academy members, brah." "(loud farts)" " (high-pitched farts)" " Oh!" "Oops." "(can't fart)" "I'll be back." "Those must be those "colorful, happy natives, here to serve our every need."" "Ha, ha." "(explosive fart)" "I did it!" "Uh-oh." "Oh, God." "It's too hot." "(shrieks) Oh, God!" "(woman) Colonel Jaffe, there's a Billy Wagstaff here to see you." "Oh, good." "I'll be right out, Lizzie." "Suzy." "It's Suzy." "I've only been here for 11 years." "Ah, Jesus, I hurt." "Now, here's a tip." "Never call him "Coach." You have to call him "Colonel."" "Or he'll hurt you in places that don't show." "Funny!" "Yeah.." "I get it." "He's probably the nicest guy in the world, isn't he?" "At ease, Lizzie!" "I'll take this young man from here." "A day early!" "I like that." "Shows keen interest." "Shows desire." "It's a good quality." "Unless you've been invited over for dinner." "(both men chuckle)" "Billy Wagstaff." "William Wagstaff, Venice Beach, California." "I know." "I recognize you from your application video." "Shows some raw talent, son." "Well, you know, the video's a year old." "I go some new moves I can't wait to show you." "I'm all chicken skin just thinkin' about it." "Colonel Jaffe, retired." "I'm also the coach here at the academy." "Ah." "What do you prefer?" ""Coach" or "Colonel"?" "I prefer "God."" "But that would be unseemly." "I'd show you around the academy myself, son, but I'm a little busy right now." "So I'm gonna have my daughter Winter give you the grand tour." "Winter!" "Report to admissions office, double time, soldier!" " Do you copy?" " I'm coming, Daddy!" "I'm coming!" "Copy that!" "(grunting)" "(both sigh)" "Thank you." "Go, go." "That's real attractive, Brandt." "(moans)" "I'm her daddy." "Yes, Daddy?" "Winter, I want you to meet Billy Wagstaff, a new member of the academy." " Billy, meet Winter." " That's an interesting name, Winter." "So is.." "Billy." "I named her Winter because she's as pure as the driven snow." "I hear different and someone dies." "Now, I want you to show Wagstaff here everything the academy has to offer, little girl." "And save that halfpipe till last." "All right?" "We got the best halfpipe in the country, son." " Yeah?" "What happened to the other half?" " Very humorous." "I want you back here at 0600 for orientation." "Maybe you can see how funny myworld is." " Man." " Let's go, Mr. Wagstaff." "Hey, Winter." "Why don't you let me show the new guy around?" "I'm sure you've got better things to do." "Thought I did, but they weren't any better." "I'd be more than happy to show the new member around myself." "Come on." "(Billy) Whoo!" "Yeah, Winter!" "Looking good!" "Wait till you see the gorge." "It's tight and wet, but it sure feels good when you go down it." " Race you to the bottom." " You got it." " Well?" " It's great." "Everything is great." "Can we ride it?" "And can you go first?" "You know, just give me the lay of the land." "Who told you my nickname?" " Oh-ho." " Follow me if you can keep up." "Keeping up is no problem." "God, I love her." "(¢Ü "High" by Hydrophonix)" "This is a little move I like to call "Keep the change."" "Make sure the steam is blowing up against the boobies so the na-nas stand up." "Then make sure you get some foam on the ta-tas." "And then dip with your finger like this." "And then put your finger all the way in your mouth to lick it off." "There you go." "That'll be four dollars." "(shuffling bills)" "Keep the change." "That was so.. cool." "Yep." "These tits are practically paying for themselves." "I don't think I have the na-nas, the ta-tas, the boo-boos or the ba-bas for that." "You're right." "Those aren't exactly moneymakers." "But I think we can work with that little ass of yours." " Get me a muffin." " OK." "Oh, yeah, that works." "Looks like I got a new muffin girl." " So, what dorm are you staying in?" " Oh, I can't afford to." "My friend and I are getting a place in town." "In town?" "You're gonna live with the poories?" "Poories?" "That's what we call the locals in Schittville." "Poories - 'cause they're poor." "Get it?" "Poor..ies." "Yeah, um.." "I guess that makes me a poorie." "What do you guys call yourselves?" "The richies, 'cause you're rich..ies?" "As a matter of fact, we do." "Oh." "Clever." "Yeah." "I hope you were clever enough to wear a lot of warm clothes." " Why?" " Because I don't hang out with poories." "See you in another life - hopefully a richer one." "Bye-bye." "Aaaarghhh!" "God, I'm in love." "Casey Richards, welcome to paradise!" " Oh." " Huh?" "I think you made the right choice coming to Blind Danny Temples for all your realty needs." "Now, just so you know, the trick to being blind is to memorize your surroundings." "That's the key." " (screams) - (Casey) Oh, God!" "Oh, my God!" "Don't help me, don't help me." "I'm not a cripple, I'm not a cripple." "Cane, cane, cane, cane, cane!" " Here." " Thank you." "You're welcome." " So, what do you think?" " Uh.." "As you can see, this is our deluxe single." "And.. this is all fresh paint." "Just had this done." "If you step right this way, you will see.." "the most beautiful mountain view in all Pine Valley!" " Beautiful!" " (sniffs) Take a smell!" " Ah!" "That mountain air!" " (coughs)" "And that's Schittville." "So, what do you think?" " You wanna rent the place?" " Sure." "All right." "Enjoy." "Thanks." " Let me help you to the door." " I don't need help, I don't need help." "I've got this place memorized to a T." "Whoo!" "(laughs)" "Can't believe those idiots rented this shithole." " Here, Danny, want me to show you out?" " Oh, Jesus!" " (nervous chuckle) I was kiddin' around." " Yeah?" " It was a joke!" " Yeah?" " It's not bad." " Tell that to him." "Yeah, it's not too bad for a couple of poories." " Poories?" "What's that?" " It's what they call us at the academy." " Why?" "Because we're poor?" " Well, actually, yeah." "OK, so what do they do?" "They call themselves the richies?" "No." "Yes." " Hey, is this the..?" " No talking in the lecture hall." "Well, how are we gonna get a lecture if there's no talking in the lecture hall?" "(German accent) No wisecracking in the lecture hall either, mystery party crasher." "(Nordic accent) Keep the talking, and my ass you can be eating, 'cause I'm making the bad report on you, new blabby guy." "OK.." "(sighs) Fun group." "Ten-hut!" "As you were, gentlemen." "Introduce yourselves to the new recruit, William Wagstaff." "Hey, brahs." "We don't refer to people as "bra," Wagstaff." "You see, a bra is something that holds up a woman's titties." "Is that what you are?" "Something that holds up a woman's titties?" "On a good day, yeah." "(Billy chuckles)" " What do you think this is?" "Jay Leno?" " (roars of laugher)" "This is the best of the best." "What I'm saying is.. snowboarding is the relentless pursuit of perfection, which, of course, is the American way." "Now let me introduce you to the members of the Pine Mountain Academy all-American snowboarding team!" "From Germany," "Hans Gruber!" "From Sweden, Sven Darden!" "From Russia, Nootnik Kratzin!" "From Switzerland, via Israel, Schlomo Boardstein!" "And you will buddy up with my team captain," "America's own Brandt Von Hoffman!" "For your professional needs, talk to me." "For your personal needs, talk to my daughter, Winter." "(knowing laughter)" "All right!" "Everyone up on that hill!" "Let's see what you got!" "What the fuck are you doing on skis, you homo, Schlomo?" "Don't you know this is a snowboard academy?" "Total bagel job, Schlomo!" "Zero!" "Hey, have a good run, Nootnik." "Your dick is so small, I would not even suck it." "Yeah, it takes a while to learn the language, but I get what you mean!" "Thank you." "You snowboard as good as you talk, Nootnik!" "And your mother's a whore!" " Hey, good luck, Sven." " Ja?" "And you have nice cumshots on your face, you bitch jerk-off." "Sven is in the house." "Yeah, you guys are a great bunch of kidders!" "Hey, Hans." "Hi, Billy!" "Welcome to the academy!" "I hope this experience will be good fun for you." "I got a chili bean stuck in my starfish." "You might wanna suck it out, you Nazi fuck!" "What?" "Oh.." "Oh, God." "He was being nice." "Thank you, Hans!" "I'd rather fuck a dog - your dog - than watch you do this again." "All right, Brandt!" "Show Billy boy here what it takes to be a national champion!" "Hey, Brandt." "You know, Wagstiff, you got no shot with Winter Jaffe." "You might fuck her, but that's as far as it's gonna go." "Actually, Brandt, that would be plenty for me." "I'm gonna do everything I can to get you kicked out of this academy, Wagstiff." "Just in case you thought you knew how to snowboard, watch this." "Way to go, Brandt!" "Beautiful!" "Nice move, Brandt!" "All right!" "OK, Billy!" "Show these goofballs why I let you into school!" "What was that, Wagstaff?" "Huh?" "All that wiggling' around up there." "You look like you got a combination of Tourette's and the runs." "(phony laughter)" "Ha ha ha!" "Maybe I should dig up Katharine Hepburn, throw her in there." "She'd give me a smoother run." " I've always been a big fan of her work." " Oh!" "He's got the balls to sass me!" "I think I know how to get the punk out of you." "How about a nice long ride all the way down the mountain, huh?" "And if you fall, you start over." "Yes, sir." "No, no." "Where are you going, Wagstaff?" "The lift is for snowboarders." "Ass wiggling go-go dancers walk." "Seriously?" "Well, how did I miss that?" "Have a nice walk, Britney." "(PA) Attention all Pine Mountain Academy members!" "Please report to the annual calendar shoot." "Except you, Wagstaff." "I am going to die!" "(Naomi) Do it outside." "How was your first day?" "Pain.. and terror." "The school's having a party tonight." "You wanna go?" " Cool." " Great." "I'm gonna go home, lay down for a while." "Coach made me walk the mountain today." "You must've wiggled your ass like a go-go girl." "Can't you read the fuckin' sign?" "Tell you what, sloppy." "I'll give you an acupuncture treatment." " For real?" " Fuckin' A." "My parents are Benihana chefs - long story, don't ask." " Look, you want my help or not?" " Does it hurt?" " Have you ever had blood drawn?" " Yeah." "That wasn't so bad." "Just like that - only 600 times in 20 minutes." "Oh, don't be such a pussy!" "(¢Ü "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss)" "I see the problem." "Your lower back is in spasm." "I'm gonna have to stick some needles in your ass now, sweetie." "Um.." "But my butt feels fine." "I'll say!" "Why does my butt feel like it needs to cough?" "I, uh.." "I heat the needles." "(coughs)" "Will you just let the person that knows what the fuck they're doing just do it?" " Hyah!" " OK, yeah." "That hurt." "You know what they say - no pain, no gain." " Agh!" " No!" " Hyah!" " No!" " Cha!" " No!" " Vom!" " Oh!" " (shriek)" " Die, Daddy." "(whimper)" " Just 74 more to go, sweetie." " Oh, God." "Here." "Bite this." " It's all good." " Really?" "I love healing." "Oh!" "Ooh!" " Yeah!" " Agh!" "Your back feels better now, doesn't it?" "Yeah, back feels good." "My ass feels like it's been clawed by a litter of panthers." "Your butt looks like that guy from Hellraiser." "He's gonna be as good as new in about an hour." "My work here is done." "Now I'm gonna get myself all prettied up for the party tonight." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "What about the needles?" "Hm." "Casey?" "Yank 'em out in about half an hour." "Don't be gentle." " Is that part of the therapy?" " No." "It's just more fun that way." "Toodles!" "Wow." "That is the sweetest, sexiest, most brutal woman I've ever met." " I think she kinda digs me." " Really?" "Aargh!" "You know, back in the day, there wasn't no richies or poories." "There was just whities.." "and then there was others." "And guess who got to ski the goddamn mountain." "It wasn't like they said black folk could only ride the slushy hill, but, hell, we knewwhat "others" meant." "It wasn't like we didn't have our own rules on the slushy hill." "I was a poor motherfucker back then, and I could only afford one ski." "So I rode that slushy hill on one." " You invented snowboarding?" " I called it "boogie-woogie one-ski."" "Then I realized there was only one way to free up the mountain so all men could use it, and that was to do the one thing that no man had ever done before:" "ski the Goat." "I boogie-woogie one-skied that Goat, and for years after, all men - and bitches too - could ski Pine Mountain." "Oh, it was beautiful, babies." "But, like everything beautiful, people fucked it all up." "I tried to stop 'em, but.." "I was pretty fucked up my damn self." "Well, that's when the Colonel.." "the motherfucker stole my one-ski idea and had the mountain declared a private skiing academy." "Then we was all back on the slushy hill." "Brah, why don't you go do all that shit again and get our mountain back for us?" "(all) Yeah!" "How am I supposed to do that, Balls?" "Pretend I'm not tired, bitter and drunk?" "(whistle)" "Check it out." "It's the guys from the cafe." " Yeah." "Let's just go this way." " No, no." "Be polite." "Hey!" "Let me buy you brahs a couple of glasses of suds." "Actually, you know, I'm not a bra, mister." "I'm a man." "Bras are what are used to hold up women's breasts." "Look, we're only being nice to you 'cause we like the new muffin girl with the dope ass." "(laughs)" "And now we're not gonna buy you any suds." " Academy members only." " William Wagstaff." "I should be somewhere on the list." "Oh, yeah." "You're the new half-poorie kid." " And you are..?" " Casey Richards." "She's not in the academy." "She's my guest." "Sorry." "Only members of the academy can be guests." "Thanks!" "Billy, I'm gonna go hang out with the less classy group over there." "Yeah, yeah." "Shot?" " Bubbles.." " Yeah." "Hey, Winter." "Um, yeah." "Fuck off, sweetie." " Hi!" " Hey." "Hi, Billy." "Come on." "Don't tell me you're upset 'cause you're not over there with your buddy." "Let me tell you something about losin' a man." "There ain't one alive worth shedding' a tear over." " Drink up, sister." " So you've never been in love?" "Maybe if I could find the guy that could see past my incredible good looks, perfect figure and the sexiest mouth God ever created." "But I don't know if I could find a guy like that in Schittville." "Maybe he's sitting right next to you." "Somebody better get Danny away from that beaver before he fucks it - again." "So you didn't tell me you even had a poorie girlfriend." "(singsong) Somebody might need a blood test." "Casey?" "She's not my girlfriend." "I've known her since I was, like, six." "She's kind of like my sister." "I don't know." "She's very pretty." "She is?" "Look at him, sittin' over there like he owns the damn place." "I hate that asshole." "He can suck my.." "Black cock!" "And he knows it too." "Straight, upstanding', cheap-ass whiskey-drinkin' motherfucker!" "Bitch!" "(blows)" "Daddy, look who I found." "Well!" "Enjoy your hike there, son?" "Or did my mountain kick your ass?" "(raucous laughter)" "My butt's seen better days, sir." "Well, why don't you get yourself a nice massage tomorrow up at the academy?" "Just don't let that big-titted whore at the coffee house stick any needles in your ass." "I hear she almost bled some poor son of a bitch to death." "(raucous laughter)" "Hi." "I'm Brandt Von Hoffman, Pine Mountain Academy team captain." "Second in command." "Casey Richards." "Let me be right up-front with you." "I'm a poorie, and proud of it." "Are you kidding?" "I don't play all that stupid richie-poorie crap like the rest of those snobs." "No." "To me, people are people." "Rich or poor, there's good and there's bad people." "But if you're into that kind of segregation thing, I can split." "No, no!" "I.." "I just can't believe I met someone who isn't." "So.. if I asked you to have a drink with me you'd do it?" "(Billy) Yeah, I'll be right back." "I'd love to." "Casey!" "Oh, Case." "I'm sorry, I think I might have been inside for a long time." " Brandt, this is my friend Billy." " I know Billy!" "Awesome ride on the slopes today, brah." "This guy is one heck of a snowboarder." "I'm so glad you could make it." "Casey and I were about to grab a drink." "Can you join us?" "Yeah.." "No." "I gotta pee really bad." "(whispers) And I think my ass might be bleeding." " Good luck with that." " OK." "(urinates, groans with relief)" "I drank too much." "Hi, handsome." "I've been looking for you." "Jesus, Winter!" "You're not supposed to be in here." "Are you sure?" "Your lips say no.." "but your stream says yes!" " You want me to tap that off for you?" " No, no, no!" "I'm fine, thank you." "You want me to suck it for you?" "I'm gonna have to say yes to that." "Sven, front and center." " Ja, Colonel." " Are you seeing my daughter?" "Never from the front - I swear it!" "Jeez!" "Does your father know you do stuff like this?" "God, I hope so. (moans)" "Hey, J.P., the Colonel's mad-dogging you right now." "Well, goddamn." "So he is." "Hey, Balls, you gonna let him do that to me, your hero?" "After that story?" "No way, brah." "I got something right here in my pocket for him." "Well, bust it out." " (laughs)" " He's giving you the bird!" " The double bird!" " Bitch of a son!" "Are you just gonna sit there?" "Or are you gonna do something about it?" "Jawohl!" "Hey, poories!" "Freibier!" "Dude, that hit me right in the head!" "Goddamn, boy!" "You can't let people hit you in the head with beer bottles!" "J.P.'S right." " Let's kick some richie ass!" " (all) Yeah!" "(yells)" "Come on, get in there." "Who's next?" "Who got some?" "Sit down!" "Get in there!" "Hidin' behind me, you big queen." "Now I shall ass-beat you, big black man, so the Colonel will like me more!" "Sven is here." "A little help, Danny!" "Up on that." "Thank you very much, my brother." " Swing, Danny!" " (Danny whoops)" "Nailed him!" "(raucous laughter)" "Ja." "Kick the asses." "(Billy) Jeez.." "Yes.." "(Billy moans)" "Oh, yes!" "Nothing like a well-deserved evacuation of the bowels, son." "That sounds like your father." "(grunting)" "Perfect." "What the hell is goin' on in there?" "You gotta go." "Go!" "(door closes)" "Colonel!" "I was just.." "I know what you were doin', you goddamn animal." "We don't go in for that up here at Pine Mountain." "I don't knowwhat kind of.." "small, blond man you found to perform fellatio on you here in a public environment, but I'm sure his father feels shame unlike any father has ever felt since the dawn of time." "I don't like you, Wagstaff." "You're always doin' something that you shouldn't be doin'." "Dancing on the slopes, disobeying a direct order, havin' sex in a shitter with what was clearly a man." "Matter of fact, you just made it to the top of my shit list." "Thank you, sir." "You won't be disappointed." "All right!" "We can't have nice-nice." "(whistles) Move out!" "The black man just kicked his own ass." "(whistle)" "I got my eye on you, blind man." "I got my ear on you." "(¢Ü "Demagogue" by Urban Dance Squad)" "Nazi fag!" "Elevate, you limp-dicked mother-hump.." "It's pathetic." "Wankers!" "I'm surrounded by wankers." "I guess you wanna hear me say that that was creative and inventive and fun to watch." "Is that what you were thinking, Wagstaff?" "I was told it was impolite to ever refuse a compliment, sir, so.." "please, can I hear what you thought?" "Here's my thought, dipshit." "Watching you felt like.." "a small, intensely powerful wolverine eating a sack o' nuts out of my anus." "Get to my office." "Now!" "(¢Ü "Give it Time" by Evan Olson)" "(moaning)" "Aagh!" "OK, Mr. Osama." "Where are you?" "Over there?" "Ooh!" "Boom!" "Colonel Jaffe." "Now, I may not be a mind reader.." "but I think I know what you were gonna say." "You want me to be team captain." "I don't think I've been here long enough to have gained the respect and admiration of the other guys." "But, um.." "What the hell." "I accept." "You know, that's just a crazy enough idea to actually work." " Captain Wagstaff." " Really?" "So I'm off your shit list?" "No, you puke." "I've just spent more than a day and a half trying to mold you into an Olympic-caliber snowboarder." "I just realized that I've been polishing a turd." "You are fuckin' expelled." "Huh." "Well, thank you for you support, sir." "Who would I see about getting a tuition refund?" "You're lookin' at him, scumbucket." "Guess what?" "I'm going to impound that homo-blowjob slush fund." "All right." "I'm leaving." "Ooh." "There's something I could tell you about last night that would devastate you." " But I got too much class for that." " Gossip?" "Wait, get back here." "You're not dismissed!" "What they say?" "Let's say that, between you and me, "winter" came a little early last night." " Leave it at that." " How dare you?" "I've heard that vicious lie from every man on this mountain, and they're all liars!" "Get out of here before I kill you with my bare hands!" "Why, why, why?" "Why me?" "Oh, God." "Jack?" "Come to me, Jack." "Come up now." "Now I need you." "Ahhh!" "I'll be OK?" "I'll be OK?" "I'll be OK!" "I'll be OK." "Yes, sir!" "Yes, sir." "This is Colonel Jaffe." "Cadet Wagstaffhas just been expelled." "Code red." "Ohh!" " (both) Bye-bye, Billy!" " (laughter)" "Come on, guys." "That's so you can breathe, Wagstaff." "Because we are no monsters, you know." "You like hanging out with the poories so much?" "Maybe you can show them some of your fancy moves." "I love it when the Colonel orders a code red." "Just the sound of that body thumping on the inside of that can." "You guys go hit the practice slopes." "I'll be in town fucking the dead guy's girlfriend." "That's why him is the captain." "Good boy." "Ja." "He is one bad fuckermother." "We better go hit the slopes before we end up in can of trash too." "Ja." "$500 for your thoughts." "Well, I'm still a little mad at Billy, but now I'm starting to get worried." "Listen, your friend got himself in a lot of trouble before he quit the school." "He stole his tuition money back." "He practically attacked the Colonel's daughter." "And he seemed to be involved in some sort of homosexual men's room scam." "I've known Billy my whole life." "That just doesn't sound like him." "Unfortunately, there's just some people in this world who act nice, but in truth they're not very nice at all." "Have some more wine." " And try not to worry so much." " You're right." "The one thing I know about Billy is that he's a survivor." "He's probably out on the beach right now, partying the night away." "Oh, sweet savior." "What happened to that Billy dude Casey came up here with?" " I thought she was all up on his dick." " She is." "It's one of those things any fool can see but them." "And me." "(groaning)" "OK." "That is the last time I take a shit in this can." "Oh, shit. (screaming)" "I heard some dude was blowing him in the bathroom last week during that fight we had when the richies kicked our ass." " Yeah, that was a good fight." " Yeah!" "What are you guys so happy about?" "You lost." "They beat you like rugs." "Maybe we are giant losers." "I mean, even Casey, our muffin girl, is dating a richie." "Oh, Billy-shmilly." "I love Schittville." "Salt." "A salted road." "I'm on a salted road!" "Oh, sweet Jesus, I'm in the road." "(car approaches)" "Here comes the pain." "(Billyjabbers)" "(crash)" "Brandtsy." "So what is this?" "Like, our.. third date?" "Fifth." "What the fuck is wrong with that nasty-looking and smelly motherfucker?" "If you're here for more acupuncture, I'm all booked up." "Listen, everybody." "I know we got off on the wrong foot, but.. five days duct-taped into a trashcan." "can change a man." "Yeah." "Into garbage." " Do you mind?" " Would you let the motherfucker finish?" " Or else he ain't gonna leave." " Thank you." "Look.." "We can't let the richies do this to us anymore." "I admit, when I first got here, I was a jerk." "I was trying to be someone that I'm not." "And I was wrong." "Yeah, something most of us learned in the fourth grade, but, please, go on." "Well, I learned a couple of things and I wanna share 'em with you." "First, is that a human being can live off the lickings of a garbage can for five.." "long.. days." "Another thing we learned in the fourth grade." "How about this?" "We don't have to kowtow to the richies anymore." "Question." "Kowtow?" " Goddamn, they're stupid motherfuckers." " Get pushed around, idiot." "Oh!" "Like the richies do to us." "Kowtow!" "Wait a minute." "We hate kowtowing." "Yeah!" "I'll cut the next bitch that kowtows me." "The point is, we need to take back what belongs to Schittville." "It smells like you done took plenty back already." "I'm talking about the mountain." "And our honor, and our dignity." "Honor and dignity?" "That's some pretty redundant shit for five days' work." "Poopy pants is right." "We need to take back our shit, including Casey our muffin girl, unless Brandt Von Hoffman's kowtowing her right now." " Can you use it like that?" " I think you can." "Whoa." "Wait, wait." "Casey is kowtowing Brandt?" "Why don't you take me back to my place so we can fuck like wild dogs?" "I can put both my feet behind my head." "Check!" "But I do have to go put a stop to that right now." "You might want to wash the crap out of your pants first, dear." "She got a helluva an idea, Mr. Honor and Dignity." "OK." "But I still have a good hunk of speech left." " We can't wait to hear it!" " OK." "Goddamn!" "Can somebody crack the window?" "Not you, Danny, you blind son of a bitch." "Case?" "Casey?" "Oh, thank God." "(¢Ü soft music)" "Oh, God." "(giggles)" "Whoo!" " OK, I can't do this." " What?" "I'm already wearing a rubber." "The Colonel says always wear a rubber." "Even if you're just eating with a poorie." "Right, I'm really glad you said that incredibly insulting thing." "That'll make this a lot easier." "I'm not gonna have sex with you." "I mean, our going out was a really big mistake." "I like somebody else." "That's why I moved here in the first place." "What am I supposed to do with this wood?" "Build a coffee table?" "OK." "You're not swaying me much." "I have to ask you to leave." "Not until I get what I came for." "(groans)" "Billy!" "I believe the lady said.." "Wow." "What page of National Geographic did he pop off of?" "I don't know." "But I have a feeling you have a lot to do with this." "Now, if you don't leave right now, I'm gonna.." "Ohh!" "I get it." "I might be rich, but I'm not stupid." "Actually, yeah, you are." "Bye-bye." "Here." "Give this to your boyfriend." "He can wear it as a wet suit." "(Casey gasps)" " He threw a rubber on my face, didn't he?" " Yeah." "Let me get it for you." "Sorry if I ruined your date." "You did." "But not for the reasons you think." "(groans)" " J.P." " Hm?" "(slurps)" " Can I buy you a drink?" " Oh, yeah, oh, yeah." "But, uh.." "I don't have to "follow you to your car"?" "No!" "Jesus!" "I wasn't with a guy." "I was with the.." "Colonel's daughter." "How did you get at the end of that line?" "I'm still waitin' for the call." "I feel.." "I feel terrible." "I screwed everybody over and.." "I acted like an asshole." "Let me tell you something." "A man who can't see that he's acting like a asshole - there's a real asshole." "But a man who can admit it, that man's all right in my book." "I wrote a book, you know." "Give it a skim." " It's a big.. font." " Thank you very much." "I talk all about the Kennedys, Jimmy Hoffa.." "space aliens." "That bullshit moon landing." "We never go to no fucking moon." "I bought the commemorative plate for nothing." "I got a whole chapter on the president and his pretty-ass wife having dinner with Osama Bin Laden on 9/12." "It's some heavy shit." "Hey, back me up on this." "I taught Jim Morrison.." "how to boogie-woogie one-ski in 1989." "I'm talking heavy shit." "He taught John Lennon how to be ironic." "There's some shit about Area 51." "Keep it to yourself." "I've been to Area 58." "It's sort of a rest area." "And here's one, just between the two of us." "Kurt Cobain killed that crazy bitch Courtney Love, cut off his own dick, bought him some titties, and he's Courtney Love." "That's her in his grave." "Dig her up and find out." "There's a hole in that Hole." "Well, I don't know about the two of you, but I'm going to sleep." "William?" "Are you all right, son?" " J.P.?" " Mm-hm?" "Aren't you drunk?" "I've never been drunk a day in my life." "I've been waiting for you, boy." "And no more bullshit between us now." "I've seen what you can do up on that mountain." "You are the finest natural-born snowboarder.." "I have ever seen in my life." "Now, what you got to do is get the respect of this town, and you are not going to do that by walking in with a load of crap in your pants and some dumb-ass speech." "How do I get the respect of the town?" "Only two men have ever ridden the Goat and lived." "And I'll bet everything I wish I had.." "that you, Billy Wagstaff, are gonna be number three." "What if I'm one of the ones who dies?" "Well, then, at least you'll make the board." "Yeah, baby." "Yeah, baby." "Hey, guys." "That fuckshit Wagstaff, he's not as dead as we'd hoped." "And here is the kicker." "The Goat he is going to ride now." " Let's go." " Ja." "But I thought we were gonna have sex." "Who wants sex when you can watch Wagstiff trying to kill himself riding the Goat?" "No brainer." "Let's go watch that bastard break his neck." "Hey, you guys." "You're not gonna believe this." "I just heard Billy Wagstaff is skiing the Goat." "Look." "The Goat?" ""Tog ruy ogta"?" "What the hell does that mean?" ""Tog ruy"?" "Aaagh!" "Go, go, Billy." "Go, go!" "(cheering)" "(¢Ü "The Last Ride" by Evan Olson)" "You'll never see the other side of Goat's Hump." "Die, you sucker." "Oh, fuck!" "(¢Ü "The Last Ride" continues)" "(honking)" "Shit, I'm alive!" "Oh, shit." "(horn)" "I can't believe that bastard Wagstiff boarded the Goat." "(Sven) Maybe one of us should ski the Goat." "Yeah." "Brandt should do it." "He's the team captain." "No way." " Nootnik, you do it." " Sven, it is your idea." "You do it." "No." "No!" "Make Hans do it." " Why me?" "Make Schlomo do it." " Schlomo can't do it." "You must do it." " No, you do it." " No, you do it." " You do it, Hans." " No, you do it." " No, you do it." " You do it." "(all) You do it." "Doesn't anyone want to do me?" "(all) You do it." "Here's to Billy "Who the Man" Wagstaff, who boarded the Goat and gave us poories a hero." " We love you, brah." " (cheering)" "Billy, Billy." "Now would be the right time for that speech, which is funny, yet motivates us to become better people." "(all) Yeah!" "Yes, thank you, J.P." "Wow." "I guess I'd just like to say that when I was trapped in the trash, the one thing that kept me going was knowing that all of Schittville was out there looking for me." "Yeah.." "Huh." "Yeah." "I did learn what I valued most in life, and that is friends.." "freedom.." "and, of course, food and air." "And the right to board where we want to board." "(all) Yeah." " Right on, brother." " Damn, this is some speech." "(Billy) So let's raise a glass, you guys." "To a new era on Pine Mountain." "And let's end this ridiculous distinction between richies and poories and let's make this a place where every single person is welcome and accepted." "(all) Yeah." "And get those assholes outta here." "They put me in a garbage can and left me to die." "I wanna talk to you, Wagstaff." "Your days on the mountain are over, old man." "Billy boarded the Goat." "You know the rules." "I know the law of the mountain." "I know that any team can challenge any other team to a Chinese downhill, no-holds-barred race to the bottom for total domination of Pine Mountain, and I say you poories haven't got the guts." " Hell, yeah." " (all) Yeah." "All right, gentlemen." "Listen up." "There's absolutely no way in hell you can lose this race if you board good and hard." "Now, there's a lot at risk here, so I'm leaving nothing to chance." "Step up and grab a piece of insurance." " Ja!" " (laughter)" "But, Colonel, why do we need the medieval weapons or clubs of death?" "Because we're not taking a chance." "He just explained this, you stupid Australian." "But I am Hungarian." "Well, if you're so hungry, eat me." "(laughter)" "Ja!" "Ja!" "(manic laughter)" "All right, the winners rule the mountain." "The losers.. don't rule the mountain." "You just said the same damn thing twice, you redundant-talking, big truck-driving, one-ski boogie-woogie idea-stealing, ho-raising, dumb signposting motherfucker." "(all) Yeah!" "Why don't you have another beer, you adjective-throwing," "Will Smith-loving, lie-telling, big book-writing-that-ain't-nobody ever-gonna-read idiot?" "(all) Yeah!" "There's some heavy shit in there." "You really ought to give it a skim." "Look, I think we all knowwhat's at stake and that J.P. wrote a book with some very heavy shit in it." "Now, please, can we just race?" " Who's gonna say "Go," brah?" " Who's not boarding?" "Gee, I wonder who everybody's looking at." "Come on, honey." "This way." "I know you hate me, Billy, but, really, good luck." "Thank you, Winter." "(Brandt) You can watch my butt." "Come on." "Hang on to your jewels." "Hey, J.P.!" "." "You're sure easy to see in the show." "Kiss my black ass, you crazy white devil." "(yells)" "Look who it is - Billy's little slut girlfriend." "I hate you." "(screaming)" "(screams)" "You fucking bitch!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "Whoo!" "(cheering)" "Damn you, Wagstaff." "You know I love you, don't you?" " Yeah." " Yeah?" "Naomi, what I'm asking you is.." "if you'd be my seeing-eye wife." "Yes, Danny." "Because even though you can't see my mind-boggling beauty on the outside, you can see my mind-boggling beauty on the inside." "I'm the happiest guy in the world." "Danny, honey, you're kissing a dead beaver." "I don't care." "I love you anyway." "That beaver's not dead." "That is one lucky, no-seeing, beaver-licking," "Naomi-hugging son of a gun." "Hey, brahs, the Colonel, Winter and the richies are here." "This is a private party, you no-contest-winning motherfuckers." "But that fine daughter of yours, she can stay." "But you other tight-ass bitches, get the fuck out of here." "Actually, we're just here to say goodbye, because you poories have ruined snowboarding for us." "So we're taking our Olympic skills elsewhere because I've invented a new sport." "It's called one-board boatless water-skiing." "That's surfing, motherfucker." "Africans invented that shit trying to get off your goddamn slave ships by hanging on to pieces of driftwood headed for the motherland." "It's in the book, fool." "Give it a skim." "Oh, skim that book high and hard, Supertan." "(laughter)" "You know, I think the important thing is here that you're leaving." "No, Billy." "The important thing is.." "this is leaving, OK?" "Wrap it up." "And you poorie chicks are gonna be missing out on this." "Oh, who are we fooling?" "We poories should be fighting with the richies." "It's what we do." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" "Stop, you guys." "Why do the richies and poories always have to be fighting each other?" "Why can't we just make Schittville the example for the whole world?" "All right, gentlemen." "Greener pastures." "Hold on one second, guys." "You're lucky we're leaving, Wagstiff." "If we weren't, I don't think it would be too long before little Casey here starts begging for a piece of what's in this package." "(yelling)" "Goddamn, some more heavy shit for my book." "Give it a skim." "(man) Roll cameras." "Cue marker." "Hey, Brandt." "(laughter)" "I'm counting on you to hold me there, boss." " (man) Keep rolling." " That fucking hurt my leg." " (man) Still rolling?" " (man #2) Still rolling." "(man) Great." "Thank you." "Do it two times." "(laughter)" "Marker." "(Naomi laughs) Oh, God!" "That beaver's not dead." "(Naomi) What happened to my chair?" " Yes, I just hurt my ass." " Oh, my God." "(laughs)" "Your lips say no." "I'm Billy Wagstaff." "What the fuck is wrong with that nasty-smelling and looking motherfucker?" "(Naomi laughs) Sorry." "It's Billy Wagstaff." "What the fuck is wrong with that nasty-looking and smelly motherfucker?" "But I got a really good hunk of speech left." "(J.P.) What was that?" "Well, good." "I'm happy." "(man) I like "Nazi fag." Good line." "Blow me." "Hot stuff." "I bet I could hear that if I tried, and maybe a little labia-flapping kind of action." "I mean, you know, I felt her face." "She's a good-looking girl, and, you know, come to think of it," "I wouldn't mind putting my mouth right.." "if I could get a mouthful of that camel toe." "All that about labias flapping and camel-toeing and shit." "White people." "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you.." "Colonel?" "Hey, Kate." "Listen, I'm not an educated man, and I wouldn't know Strasberg from Stanislavski, but I thought that was a little on the indicate-y side." "Hey, Kate." "If overacting was sexy, I'd be hard as a fucking rock right now." "Hey, Kate." "William Shatner just called." "He wants his acting style back." "Oh, God, forgive me." "What do you know?" "Wait." "I'm going to hell." "I'm going directly to hell." "Well, there you go, boys." "It's all true what they told you." "(laughter)" "(¢Ü "Fall" by Scott Miller)" "Damn, look at the bucket of junk sticking out of those pants." " (applause)" " Thank you, thank you." "Good to see you." "I love you.." "Good to see you." "Good.." "Doggone, doggone." "You really, really, really know how to make a fella feel welcome." "And as I scan the crowd here, I see a few new faces." "And if any of you don't know me," "I am Jack Schitt.. the third." " We love you, Jack!" " I love you too, man!" "Somebody get a video camera." " A what?" " Oh, yeah." "I guess we're just gonna have to use our rememberers." "Your rememberers?" "Oh, lord." "We truly are in the town that time forgot." "They say his house is so opulent, he has his own driveway." "I would too if I made Jack Schitt money." "Now, very rarely do I get a chance to interface with the youth of the community." "I thought this was a prime opportunity." "The first nugget of wisdom I need to share with you is to stay off the doggone drugs." " Even pot?" " Oh, no, no, no." "Pot's OK." "That's medicinal." "I'm talking the hard stuff." " What about cocaine?" " No, no, no." "I got no problem with cocaine." "I mean, as a matter of fact," "I've been known to do a bump or two in the morning to get me out of bed." "I am talkin' the hard drugs." "Ecstasy?" "Ecstasy.." "is a tool." "It's not a drug." "As a matter of fact, I got a belly full of it right now!" "Now, drugs is just a minor part of the problem." "The big thing I want you to remember, for the love of Mike, is to stay in school." "I'm 31." "School's not really an option for me." "Jack Schitt is a straight shooter." "And if you're over 30, and you're havin' trouble with the reading' and writin'," "I'm not gonna tell you that's a plus." "Mr. Schitt, is anything about us a plus?" "I'll see y'all at the Schittville holiday parade." "Thank you very much!" "Thank you!" "(cheers/applause)" "Love you." "I love you, man." "I love you!" "I love you." "Man, they sure could use a man like that in Washington." "That big-talkin', corny-dressin', out-of-style, bolo-tie-wearin' motherfucker." "I hate that motherfucker."