"Previously on Boston Legal." " Bethany!" " I never wanna see you again!" " I dumped your mother." " You dumped Bella?" "'Cause I can't get over you." " It's my baby." " It's my choice, not yours." "You thought about schools yet?" "You have to start applying early for these preschools." "I've been working very hard to deal with my Asperger's syndrome." "Litigation is about confiidence." " How did you feel when you were beating him with the club?" " You don't want to say that." " Strategy." " Yuck, yuck, yuck!" " Cheap theatrics." " Bingo!" "To friendship, my colleague." "Hey, hey!" "My client lives here." "Would you mind telling me what the problem is?" "I can see it's clearly an emergency." "We're waiting for the warrant." "She could've chose to cooperate." "She didn't want to do that." "She's suspected of wrongdoing?" "Stole some art from a museum." "Art?" "I would hardly call it art." "But you did steal something?" "You can't let them search my house, Alan." "You just can't." " Maureen, what's going on?" " Could you just make them go away for an hour?" "No." "Assuming they can show cause, they'll get their warrant." "Judging from their demeanor, they seem confident." "Maureen, what's going on?" "It's an anatomical exhibition." "One of the most popular touring exhibits in the world... currently on display at the Natural Science Museum." "This man was a drunkard." "You can tell by the liver." "It's been ravaged." "He also suffered from some form of venereal disease... which has caused some sort of deterioration of some other organs..." "I guess, if you know what to look for." "And aside from beautifully complementing your credenza... why is he in your dining room?" "That's my father." "I knew someone in maintenance at the museum." "I went in with the cleaning crew at night." " I just put him on a hand dolly and I took him." " The goal being?" "To bury him, to give him a dignified resting place." "Well, Maureen, the only thing to do is surrender yourself." "The police aren't going anywhere." "Once the search warrant is issued" "Will I go to jail?" "You might." "How did he end up like this in the first place?" "My mother donated him upon his death." "I mean, it's perverse, Alan!" "Look at him, for God's sake!" "Well, he certainly seems happy." "They have no right to display him like that." "Maureen, you need to surrender both yourself and Dad here." "My best chance ofkeeping you out ofjail is for you to cooperate completely." " It is almost 11:00." " Thank you, Paul." "I won't have to check my sundial." "We had a 9:00 conference call with our former governor, no less." "I'm sure you had a good reason for blowing him off." "I did, actually." "One of my clients stole her dead father from a museum." "I'm sure you've had it happen to you, Paul." " Please extend my apologies to Mitch." " It's Mitt." "Alan, there's a man in your office." "I tried to get him to wait outside but, uh" " What sort of man, Clarence?" " A very serious one." "Did the man say what he wanted?" "You." "That's all he'd tell me." "I could have a go at him as Clarice if you'd like." "That won't be necessary." " Hello." " Uh, good morning, sir." "My name is Dr. Alvin Azinabinacroft." "And first, I want to thank you very much for taking the time to see me." "I didn't take the time." "You planted yourself like a squatter." "Seeing you was unavoidable." " I'm here on a matter of rather grave concern." " Not to me." "I am a cognitive therapist." "I work in the psychology department at Boston Memorial." "I've recently been discharged from my employ wrongfully." "This has been a major personal setback, it goes without saying." "And yet you say it." "You come to me highly, highly recommended." "Here's a copy of my curriculum vitae." "I've been published, lectured at Harvard." " I'm preeminent." " And humble." "For me to have been discharged wrongfully damages my name, my reputation, career." "Why were you discharged, Dr. " "Azinabinacroft." " No, really?" " Will you represent me?" " Why were you fired?" " Because I've seen extraterrestrial life." "Who hasn't?" " And your employers now consider you" " Cuckoo." " Are you, Dr. " " Azinabinacroft." "The answer is no." "They're out there, Mr. Shore." "I've seen 'em." "Get out of my way!" "Hey!" "Pedestrian, right of way!" "Bye." "What you doing?" "Alan's got two cases at once." "I'm going to court with him." " You need something?" " Uh, yeah." "I was wondering if you'd let me cook you dinner tomorrow night." "Sounds great." "And I was wondering if maybe after dinner... you'd like to stay." "Uh, s-stay?" "Overnight." "Temple." "That would make me seem like a Jew." "I'm a Jew, Denny." "Temple is a part of my life, and if you want to be a big part of my life" "But I'm a Christian, and to Christians, temple is... uh, a college." " My faith is very important to me." " As mine is to me." "Oh, please." "What denomination are you?" "I'm, uh..." " Lutheran." " I see." "And what do Lutherans believe in, Denny?" "We believe in a great many things, Bethany, but mostly we believe... in, uh, Luther." "Denny, let me say this as your girlfriend, i. e." "Senior management" "You're going to temple." "You're going to temple." " She stole what?" " A plastinized body." "It's part of an anatomical exhibition." " This is a real body?" " It's property on consignment to the museum." " It's her father." " Property that was legally transferred" "Stop calling him property!" "He is a human being!" "All right." "Do you want a trial?" "Yes, Your Honor." "Two, actually, in case the first one doesn't go well." " Pick a date." " I'm ready now." "Mr. Beedle?" " Sure." " After lunch- 2:00." "See you." "Alan, we gotta fly." "We'll see you at 2:00." "He saw aliens?" "No, not aliens, Your Honor." "Just their mode of transportation." "The point is, it bears no reflection... on his ability to perform as a cognitive therapist." " To terminate" " Were they green with big eyes?" "Your Honor, he did not see the occupants of the craft, simply the" "With little antennae growing on their heads?" "Good morning, Your Honor." "Jerry Espenson representing Boston Memorial." "Please note my objection that respondent did not receive notice of this proceeding... and as such, I would ask that you sus" " Jerry." " Alan!" "Oh, my God!" " I had no idea you were opposing counsel." " Nor I you." "You represent Boston Memorial?" "My practice is going very well." "I changed medications." "Did you not get my e-mail?" "I did." "But, Jerry, wow." "This is a huge client." "Why are the lawyers hugging?" " Your Honor, opposing counsel and I are good friends." " Given that" " Notice, Alan?" " It's ex parte." " Fair enough." " You look fantastic." " Stop it!" "I won't have happiness in my courtroom!" "Your Honor, the termination was entirely lawful." "Dr. Azinabinacroft has lost touch with reality." "I would like to question the person who decided to fire him." "Fair enough." "This afternoon?" "Well, I'm already in trial at 2:00." "Could we do it at 3:00?" " 3:00 works." " 3:00 then." "Silence!" "I get to decide." "You two huggers don't get to make the rules." "I'm the decider!" "3:00!" "Hey." "Hey." "Who's that girl I just saw leaving your office?" "She was, uh, pretty cute." "Oh, just a friend." "Just a friend?" "You-You dating her?" "Uh, yes, actually." "It's not going anywhere, but" "It's a good rattle just the same, I bet, huh?" " Excuse me?" " Do you really think it's appropriate, Brad?" " Getting one girl knocked up while you're dating another?" " What?" " Did you not hear me?" "Am I being too subtle?" " No, you're anything but subtle." "And bringing her into the office, that's really classy." "You should just parade her right into my office." "You two can do a little Shawne Merriman sack dance, you insensitive pig!" "Any hormones kicking in this pregnancy?" "Or is everything even keel?" "Why don't you just go have sex with yourself, Brad?" "Is that too subtle?" "How's it going?" "Nathan very much wanted to be an organ donor." "But given the condition of his body, he wasn't a candidate." "But you were the one who donated the body to the project?" " Yes." " Can you tell us why?" "Well, the intent of the exhibition- to educate people on the human body." "Not just the physiology, but also the influence on the body by lifestyle choice." "That's something that definitely would've appealed to Nathan." "When he explored being an organ donor... he wanted his remains to benefit others." "Being a part of this exhibition would've accomplished that." "That's why I donated the body." "So you never had the exact conversation..." ""Honey, how would you feel about having your body put on display, skinless... to be showcased as a drunk with venereal disease?"" "As I said, it's my belief he would've wanted his remains to benefit others." "According to your daughter, he was a fairly private man." " Is that true?" " Yes." "You think, as a private man, he would've been fine... with having his body put on display, skinless, as a drunk with venereal disease?" "I think he'd be happy to know his final legacy was selfless." "Selfless?" " Did he love his children?" " Very much." "Do you think had he known that it would hurt them having his body put on display... skinless, as a drunk with venereal disease" " He didn't know that." "Nor did I." " Exposed in death as a degenerate" "That's how he lived." "Maybe people should see how he" "Your husband hurt you a great deal, didn't he, Mrs. Fleming?" "This isn't about that." "It isn't about hurting him?" "Well, if it is, you've certainly accomplished that, haven't you?" "Do you want to tell me what that was all about?" "Brad, we may not be a couple, but I am having your baby, which the entire office knows." "As such, it is completely humiliating... when you prance these trophy girls around in front of everyone." "I want to be a couple." "We're not even remotely compatible as a couple... as evidenced by your preference for that airheaded, airbrushed bimbo you brought in here." " My preference is you." " Oh" "Denise, you cite my values as an obstacle." "What are your values?" "This friends with benefits thing?" "What are your values, Denise?" "You get engaged to a guy who buys body parts on a black market... who corrupts cancer studies?" "What are your values?" "You sleep with Jeffrey Coho, a man you don't even like." "And let's not forget the policeman you did last year to get out of a parking ticket." "Okay." " You're lost." " No." "I'm scared." "I am alone, and I am having a baby." "I am completely alone." "By your choice." " And you've been able to confirm all of this?" " Yes." " I sourced it all on the back page." " Excellent." "Excellent work, Clarence." "What's wrong?" "Clarence." "Clarence, what's wrong?" "Well, uh..." "Claire asked me to stay over." "I see." "Well, you have strong feelings for Claire, don't you?" "Very strong." "I think I love her." "But" " But I've n-never" "Ah." "I'm not sure I'II, uh" "Clarence, um... the thing about making love for the first time" "It'll happen when it's right." "And when it's right, everything just happens naturally." " You couldn't think of anything to say." " I just went blank." "He's an enormously gifted therapist, an invaluable asset to our clinic." "But?" "We're in the business of helping people cope with reality." "He needs to be in touch with his." "He's telling his clients that there are aliens out there monitoring us." "Uh, hold on a second." " There's no smoking in here." " It's wooden, Judge." "Not real." "It's a proprioceptive tool." " A what?" " Relaxation technique." "Never mind." "You just sit there and judge." "I won't actually smoke it." "You said you asked him to stop talking about the U.F.O." "Over and over." "He said he could not." "He said that once one actually sees an extraterrestrial spacecraft... one has to rethink what he thinks... about the world and our place in it, what it means to be human." "Thank you." "Pass the witness." "Reserve the right to recall." "Go ahead, Alan." "Did you fire him for seeing the U.F.O. Or talking about it?" "He was discharged primarily for discussing it with his patients." "But obviously the fact that he is convinced that he saw it" " You don't believe he really saw it?" " No, I don't." "I suppose if there really was a U.F.O. Hovering above O'Hare Airport last November..." "Dr. Azinabinacroft would get his job back." " Well" " He wouldn't be out of touch with reality then, would he?" "I'm sorry." "I'd like to point out for the court that counsel is very tricky." "I would ask Your Honor that he be noted as such." "He is a profound trickster, it must be said." "I say it with affection." "Continue." "If you were satisfied that Dr. Azinabinacroft did see... an unidentifiied flying object in Chicago that night... you would have to revisit your decision, wouldn't you, sir?" "Well, I guess I would have to." "I suppose the explanation is simple." "The spacecraft traveled five billion light-years to Earth... and then left because of all the airport hassle." "I mean, who needs that, really?" "So you want to prove the U.F.O.'s real?" "Seems like the obvious thing to do." "Seems like the obvious thing to do." "I thinkJerry could beat me on this." "He's got this newfound confidence." "I was abducted once." "I can't be sure." "It felt like a dream, only more real." "What happened?" "Well, uh, these aliens in the form of Ann-Margret... took me to their spacecraft and had sex with me." "I'm gonna go with dream on that one." "I've gotta go to temple tomorrow." " Bethany's making me." " On a Wednesday?" "Yeah." "It's "tubby sharat" or something like that." "Jewish Arbor Day." "I gotta wear a beanie." "The things we do for love." " Alan, you called me?" " I did." "And on a rather delicate matter... that would ordinarily be none of my business." "Try anything with me, I'll sever your favorite appendage." "Clarence is extremely anxious that his appendage... will be called into service." "He seems as if he's about to retreat into Clarice again... and I just thought you should know." "Thank you." "Do you think Bethany could be an alien?" " Off to court again?" " Yeah." "Clarence, Alan intimated to me that you intimated to him... that you were nervous about staying at my place tonight." "Look, the best thing about being in a relationship... is having somebody to share your fears with." " Even that one?" " Especially that one." "Just talk to me." "Okay?" "Okay." "I know that he didn't live a particularly dignifiied life... but he was a man of dignity." "And to be exhibited like that... so that the whole world can see his- his ravaged liver and organs... while he's holding a liquor bottle and smiling?" "Nobody deserves that." "You do realize that this decision legally belonged to your mother?" "No." "Legally, she was to do what he wanted." "This was not his wish." "He would never" "For God's sakes, Mom... couldn't you at least allow him to find a little redemption in death?" " You go to church, Ms. Fleming?" " I do." " You believe in heaven?" " Of course." "Do you think your father is in heaven right now?" " Objection." " Overruled." "Do you believe your dad is in heaven?" "I don't know." "I hope so." "Was your father a religious man?" " No." " Did he believe in God?" " Objection." " Overruled." "Did he believe in God or heaven?" "No, he didn't." "So this is more about what you want." "I have been thinking about what you said... and, um, in an ideal world, I would live with the father of my child." "Towards that, I feel I owe it to my child... to at least explore the possibility of" "I want us to see a couples therapist... to get a professional prognosis as to our... emotional and practical compatibility." " Why don't we just date?" "See how it goes?" " No." "Not gonna waste time." "We'll see a doctor." "Hey, how's it going?" "# Oy-oy, oy oy-oy-oy #" "# Oy oy-oy-oy oy-oy #" " # Shabbat shalom #" " What the hell is this?" "Shut up and sing." " I don't know the words." " "Oy oy oy. "Just do it." "# Oy-oy, oy oy-oy-oy #" "# Oy oy-oy-oy oy-oy #" " # Oy oy, oy-oy, oy-oy # - # Shabbat shalom Shabbat shalom #" " # Shabbat, shabbat, shabbat Shabbat shalom # - # Oy oy, oy-oy, oy-oy #" "# Oy vey ##" "# Oy vey ##" "I work as an air traffic controller at O'Hare Airport in Chicago, Illinois." " That sounds like a high-stress job." " You have no idea." "Tell me, sir... on the evening of November 7, 2006... did you get any calls about, say, extraterrestrials?" "I'm sorry." "Could we be any more leading?" "Perhaps you should whip out one of those leashes you use in your recreational pursuits?" "Overruled!" "Sit down, you!" "We were contacted by an airline supervisor and informed that several of its passengers... as well as a dozen or so of its employees... spotted an elliptical-shaped craft sitting motionless over the United terminal." "In fact, even the United Airlines pilot claimed to have seen it." " Am I right?" " You are." "So one wouldn't be considered out of touch with reality or" " Hey, what the hell are you doing?" " Ooh." "Sorry, Your Honor." "Remember, it isn't real." "It's just wood." "Pay no mind." "Wood is flammable." "You will not light it." "Mm-hmm." "Mr. Bettman, can you say with all certainty... that there wasn't a U.F.O. Hovering over O'Hare that night?" "Well, I suppose we can't prove a negative." "But our conclusion was that it was a weather phenomenon... a low cloud ceiling, a lot oflights in the sky." "This was no weather phenomenon." " It hovered, then shot through the clouds and left a hole." " A hole?" "Dozens of people gave the exact same description... including some mechanics at the airlines." "There was something unearthly up there." "And the radar showed nothing?" "The F.A.A. Won't release the radar data or the voice communications." " What are they hiding?" " Well, on The X-Files, it was the truth." "Great show, wasn't it?" "How many of you watched The X-Files?" " Friday night." "Lousy time slot." " Silence!" "I must say, Jerry, you had quite the swagger in there." "Look, Alan, the fact that others thought they saw it doesn't really matter." "Of course it matters." "The fact that others saw it means my client isn't crazy... which was the very basis of his discharge." "No." "The basis was that he talked about it with his clients." "No." "It was that he thought he saw an alien." " I'd love to help you here, but my hands are tied." " Your hands aren't tied." " They're in your pockets." "What is this?" " New therapy." "Good, isn't it?" "Look, here's the deal." "You're gonna get up, say others saw it, blah, blah, blah, therefore not crazy." "Whatever." "You'll be effective." "You always are." "But I'll get up, make the point that a function of his job- the function, actually- is to ground his patients." "A therapist has to come from a relatable place." "Al, come on." "When you sit there and talk about space aliens... how effective can you really be as a cognitive therapist?" "Do we sympathize?" "Of course we do." "But the man can no longer do his job." "Here's the problem with your theory, Jerry." "As possible as it sounds now, you and I both know... when you actually get up to give your closing, you're Hands Espenson." "Chewing on a silly wooden cigarette isn't going to distract you... from the reality that you have very little trial experience... that you're scared to death just to be in the room... and that as able as you might be to fool others or even yourself, I know what you are." "And knowing that I know, feeling my stare upon you... that you'll be utterly reduced to... an ineffective, bumbling, inarticulate man with Asperger's... because that's what you are, Jerry." "Jerry" "Jerry!" "I was just lawyering, Jerry." "One of the games trial attorneys play... is to psych out opposing counsel." "You can certainly appreciate that." "My intent was to unnerve you, not because I believe you to be ineffective or inarticulate... but because I know you to be just the opposite." "I don't believe you." "I have a proposal." "I'm listening." "My client gets his job back." "He agrees not to discuss the U.F.O. Sighting or his opinions on... extraterrestrial life." " No money damages." " Okay." "Jerry." "You'll recall I once advised you to flee the practice oflaw... because it's an ugly occupation... which calls upon its participants to do ugly things." "I'm very... accomplished in the practice of law, Jerry." "I'll take the offer to my client." "Basically, I don't think that we're compatible as a couple... as partners-50-50 partners." "If we were to be together, he would probably start out by- by demanding that I quit my job and stay at home with the baby." "Is that true, Brad?" "Yes." "You don't think a woman can have both a career and a family?" "Can she?" "Of course." "Should she?" "Absolutely not." "And this is him wooing me." "Denise, you have a baby, that's it." "Baby comes first." "Period." "Even if he could get by with a nanny, you couldn't." "It would kill you." "So who are we kidding?" "You stay home, raise the kid, the kid grows up, you go back to work." "Okay, don't look at me like that." "Mothers want to stay home." "Because of societal pressures, they feel they can't be a feminist and a stay-at-home mom." "So what do they do?" "They drag themselves back to the office." "And like I said, it kills them." "It'll kill Denise." "I wouldn't ask her to do anything that she doesn't really want to do." "I know that." "She knows that." "And if you're a real therapist, you know that too." "This idea of a 50-50 partnership" "She picks the wallpaper, I choose the car." " Chores?" " I mow the lawn, she makes dinner." " Sex." " I'm the husband, she's the wife." "Even if she's right about what her father would have wanted... that does not entitle her to steal the body from a museum." "She can resort to equitable relief, but not grand larceny." "Beyond that, this is about her religious beliefs, not her father's." "He didn't believe in God or heaven or the soul." "This is about the defendant imposing her religious values... and committing a crime to do so." "We all know how dangerous that can be." "Alan, it's your turn." "I know that, Clarence." "Life on earth was not very good to Maureen Fleming's father." "He was a drunk." "He couldn't hold a job." "He had sordid affairs." "He died in part from a sexually transmitted disease." "There was no salvation or happy ending to be found on earth for Nathan Fleming." "Which could only make Maureen that much more desperate to think... that there must be another, better world waiting for her father somewhere." "She carted his body out of that museum... so that her father could finally leave this world behind... and hopefully... find his way to a better one." "Certainly the 12 of you can understand that." "You know, I" "I want so badly to believe in God." "Not because of any words in the Bible or claims made by Gospels... but because I suppose with our planet being polluted into extinction... while country after country develops nuclear bombs... coinciding with an unprecedented escalation in hatred... while an entire continent is dying from AIDS and starvation... as the rest of the world pretends not to notice... it's just not that easy these days to have faith in man." "But if we don't believe in God, then our only alternative is to believe in man." "Well, I'm not sure if I do believe in God." "And even if I did..." "I'm not sure he'd be the same God... that you believe in or you believe in." "But in the throes of doubt, I still do believe in man." "I believe in man's innate sense of humanity... his potential for compassion, reason... righteousness in his heart." "Today, now, I appeal to you in the hope that you will understand... that when my client took her father's body so that she may bury him... so that he may rest in peace... and perhaps find some salvation... she did so acting on her humanity, on... the righteousness in her heart." "What have you got stuck to your face?" "Don't you even think about it." "Give it." "Hey" " Don't you even" "Oww!" "Oww!" "Holy crap." "I shot the rabbi." "Oww!" "How did you get a lawyer so quickly?" "This is a difficult time for all of us, Mr. Crane." "I think we can agree it would be best to resolve this privately." "If Rabbi Hershman were to report the assault to the police... well, given your grumblings that were heard by others in the synagogue... you could face prosecution for a hate crime." "You can't threaten criminal prosecution to advance a civil claim." "What's wrong with you?" "You people have an overreacting problem." "You do know that?" " We people?" " The same thing in Lebanon." "They grab a few soldiers, you respond with overkill." "That's a problem." "Are you saying that Israel doesn't have the right to defend itself?" "Well, of course they do." "But you don't blow up a whole country 'cause you get mad." "Only the United States enjoys that privilege." "We're a superpower." "God is on our side." "Gum?" "Good-bye, Denny." "What do you mean?" "I never wanna see you again." "She'll be back." "Get out of my way." "Handicapped." "Look out." "Handicapped." "That was quite an interesting tack you took there with the therapist, Brad." "It wasn't a tack." "It was the truth." " So when are you going to face the truth, Denise?" " Which is?" "That you want for your children the same life that your parents gave you." "Dad works, Mom stays at home." "Perfect Norman Rockwell nuclear family that used to be." "Brad, we live in very different times than they did." "Oh, right." "Modern times." "Fifty percent of women are manless right now." "Fifty percent." "Is that progress, feminism or both?" "What?" "Do you intend to bludgeon me into giving us a chance?" "No." "I'm asking." "For you, for me, for our child." "Give us a chance." "Madam Foreperson, the jury has reached a unanimous verdict?" " We have, Your Honor." " What say you?" "In the matter of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Maureen Fleming... on the charge of grand theft larceny... we, the jury, find the defendant... not guilty." "The Commonwealth thanks you for your service." "We are adjourned." " Congratulations, Maureen." " Thank you." "Can I bury my father now?" "I'm afraid that's an issue that will have to be decided at another time." "Jerry." "The settlement terms... are acceptable to my client." "Good." "I should also- I should thank you for the lesson." "Of course, opposing counsel will try to exploit my Asperger's." "And" "Thank you, Alan." "As a result of this, my skin will only get more calloused." "I'll be more hardened." "I want you to know I don't take what you said personally." "I do, Jerry, and I'm deeply sorry." "Don't be." "Well, until we meet again." "She dumped you?" "Because of my views on the Middle East." "If I had a nickel for every time a midget broke up with me over politics." "Denny, you think you can understand what it means to beJewish?" "Oh, please." "I don't even understand what it means to be Lutheran." "Do you believe in God?" "Of course I do." "You know I do." "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Because if you believe in God and it turns out there's no God, there's no harm, no foul." "But if you don't believe in God, and it turns out there is one... you're screwed." "What do you think he looks like?" "Like me." "Perhaps thinner." " You think he looks like you?" " God made man in his image." " And specifically" " Me." "Why does he allow for all the suffering that goes on?" "Overextended." "What do you believe?" "I'm not sure." "I think I believe mostly in friendship." "Yours." "Jerry Espenson's." "I wasn't a very good friend to him today." "I hate that you're seeing him again." "He was opposing counsel." "I hurt him today." "How?" "By being a lawyer." "At the end of the day, Alan, we have to be who we are." "And you and I, more than anything" "We're lawyers." "Damn right." "You stinker!"