"She still ain't show up yet, Carlton?" "No, and I've been waiting over two hours." "Hey, look, man, don't even be beating yourself up like this." " Everybody gets stood up once." " Once a month?" "Why did I ever trust a computer dating service?" "Carlton, hey, hey, come on, man." "Look, chances are, a girl who matches up with you has already taken her own life." "Very funny." "I'll be back in the stockroom in the dark." " Carlton." " No." "I'm looking for Carlton Banks." "Just a second." "Just a second." "What took you so long, girl?" "Damn." "Okay, so tell me again." "Once the bread is in those little slots, you just slide the lever down?" "Fascinating, isn't it?" " Hilary..." " Not now, I'm learning how to cook." " Good morning." " Good morning, madam." "Sweetheart, do you know what day it is today?" " Of course I do." " So, what are we gonna do to celebrate?" "Same thing we did last year, only better." "Gee, Uncle Phil, how are you gonna top last year?" "Well..." " Happy Valentine's Day." " Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart." ""Valentines fun for you and your lover..." "Neat, huh?" "And I rented a karaoke machine and everything." "Gosh, for real?" "Aunt Viv, can I be excused from the table?" "I'm just too darned excited to eat." "But Mom, Dad, I've reserved special seats right next to the speakers for you." "Oh, thank you, son, but your father's got some special plans for us tonight." "You big romantic guy you." "Hilary, can you drive me and my date to the movies tonight?" "Sorry, Ash, but I'm preparing dinner for my Valentine." "This is going to be a breeze." "Ashley, I'll give you a ride." "Oh, God." "Daddy, please, I don't wanna spoil your plans for tonight." " I don't have anything special planned." " What about our big evening?" "Oh, that's much later." " So who are we dating?" " Daddy, please." "This is not going to help my reputation." "What's wrong with your reputation?" "You are." "You gave every date I had the third degree." "Boys will not even come near me at school without having a lawyer present." "Yes." "What is wrong with you, girl?" "Will, daddy is going to drive me and my date to the movies tonight." "That doesn't sound like that's a big deal." "Will, the last time daddy drove me and my date to the movies he wound up sitting in the two seats behind us." "Couldn't you just drop us off and pick us up?" "Oh, I'm afraid that's a little bit of a problem, Ashley." "See, this girl that I'm dating tonight is kind of like a 6.6 on the Richter scale so I wanna be there, you know, for all the aftershocks." "You know what I mean?" "Yeah, I know what you're saying." "I'm doomed." "Ashley?" "I've circled the movies I feel are appropriate for you and your friend." "Free Willy." "Beethoven 's 2nd?" " The Return of the Care Bears?" " Oh, that was my first choice." "Oh, but if your mother asks tomorrow I didn't get any extra butter on my popcorn." "Oh, whoa, hey, hey." "Uncle Phil, check it out." "There's been a slight change of plans." "Ashley is gonna double with me and my girl." "I'm not gonna have my daughter involved in one of your wild evenings." "We playing miniature golf." "That'll be cool unless the church group shut that place down, you know?" " And afterwards?" " Well, I was thinking we'd run some guns to Nicaragua but we'll probably just come home." "All right, Will." "She's in your hands." "But if anything happens to her, those hands will be without fingers." "Yes, sir." "Lose my fingers, sir." "Hi, good evening, everyone, and welcome to rocking Valentine's Eve." "Now I know, most of you are wondering two things:" ""How does he dress so well?" and " What is this thing called karaoke anyway?"" "Actually, karaoke has two definitions." "Carry, as in carry a tune and oke, as in okey-dokey, let the good times roll." "I swear, I made that reservation a week ago." "Philip, why don't you be a man and admit that you forgot Valentine's Day." "All right." "I admit, I just forgot." "How come you don't forget Thanksgiving?" "Why don't you just relax and try to enjoy your son's party?" "Look who just floated in on cloud nine, Philip and Vivian Banks two people, who, over the years, never stopped loving each other." "I should know, my room was just down the hall." " Let's get out of here." " Just..." "Hey, there, funny Valentines." "How about a love song?" "We're here live at the St. Valentine's Day Open where Samantha Sackin is about to attempt a very difficult stroke." "Wait a minute, it looks as though she's getting some help from her caddy." "Will, I thought you were the announcer." "Hush up, I'm trying to help you with your form." " Stop, not in front of your cousin." " Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right." " Come on, let's go out to the car." " Stop." " They are really sweet together." " What do you think he's saying to her?" "Probably the same thing you were saying to girls when you were his age." "I doubt it." "When I was his age, I was trying to get the girls to..." "No, no." "He's just a little kid and so is Ashley." "Not so little, Will." "She is a beautiful girl." "Didn't you see what the putter guy did?" " No, what did he do?" " He dropped her ball on purpose." "Now, why would he do that, unless he was trying to check out her...?" "No, look, that is not possible." "Hey, when I was 15, it was possible." "Yeah, but you was a little freak though." "No, I'm just saying things were a lot faster in them public high schools." "She goes to Bel-Air Academy." "I went to St. John's Parochial." "You still got that little dress and them shoes?" "Hey, Carl Lewis, put a move on it." "Hey, take it easy, Pops, you'll be in a hole soon enough." "That's a really nice outfit." "Hey, look, if I make this putt, you got to promise me that you'll..." "Oh, Will." "Bryan." "You know, Geoffrey, just between you and me I was a little worried about making a whole dinner myself." "But there's really nothing to it." "Oh, Miss Hilary, could you pass me that heavy iron skillet over there?" "Hello." "How thoughtless of me." "Oh, dear, I better go tend to Master Nicky." "What?" "Geoffrey, you can't go now." " But the baby needs me." " He needs you?" "I'm the one with orthopedist coming to dinner." "Geoffrey, I demand that you stay here and cook." "No." "Can you say that to me?" "Well, let's try it again." "No." "By George, I've got it." " No, no." " Geoffrey." " Geoffrey, you come back here!" " No, no." "Good God." "I think there's something wrong with the stove." "Hole in one, yes!" "My first one ever." "That bird just doodled on your head." "Will, I got a hole in one." "Oh, you'll do better next time, baby." "Hey, hey, hey." "Check it out, listen." "I got a idea." "Hey, how about we switch partners." "You go down there and play with..." " Samantha." " Thanks a lot, Ashley." "No, thanks, man, I like playing right here." "Okay, Ashley, you go down and play with What's-Her-Name." " Will..." " Oh, you got another hole in one, baby?" "You good." " Gosh, it's getting warm out here." " Why don't you take your jacket off?" "Ashley, hey, check it out..." "See..." "It's some killer bees coming from Mexico." "And they could strike at any time." "And they love teenage flesh." "Thanks, but I'll risk it." "Just don't worry, man, I ain't gonna let no bees get to this honey." "Okay, Junior Mac, listen." "I think, it's time we had a little chat, mano a boyo." "Will, what are you doing?" "Yeah, what's the problem?" "I think, the problem is something called a double standard." "Well, wait, wait, hold up, baby, whose side you on?" "I'm on the side that would like to continue our date." "And we would like to continue ours." "I thought we was all having a good time." "Don't you give me that innocent boy routine." "I know that routine..." "I invented that routine." "I see right through you, you little dog." "Oh, shame." "Man, back off me, man." "I just wanna have some fun." "Fun?" "Does this look like a place to have fun?" "I don't think so." "Ain't nobody gonna have no fun up in here." " Not me, not you, not her..." " And definitely not me." "Goodbye, Will." "Whoa, baby, come back here..." "What is her name?" "The word was out on your father but who knew your whole family was crazy?" "Bryan, I'm so sorry." "Ashley, if you ever run away from home, give me a call." " Bryan, wait..." " Hey, let him go." "Let him go, baby." "And good riddance, you little Filthy McNasty." "Will, how could you do this to me?" "To you?" "Ashley, I'm doing this for you." "When you get older, you'll understand." "Look, let me make it better." "I'm gonna buy you some ice cream." "No, I don't want anything." "You're worse than daddy." "Nice job, Cupid." "Ashley!" "That's what I call a happy Valentine's Day." "Ashley!" "Why does everyone treat me like I'm some defenseless little girl?" "Because you are, Ashley." "I mean, boys is just gonna try to take advantage of you." "That's my problem." "Not yours or my father's." "And you know what?" "I can handle it." "Yeah, right, like you can handle some big old dude trying to be all over you like cheese on a Big Mac." "Will, maybe I like cheese." "How you gonna like something you ain't never had?" "Please tell me you ain't never had no cheese, Ashley." "No, but if I wanna have sex, I do not need your approval." "It's cheese, Ashley." "What you all looking at?" "Excuse us." "Look at me." "I'm not the 11-year-old I was when you first moved to Bel-Air." "Do you understand?" "Yeah, yeah, I do." "Maybe we need to send you to an all-girls school, you know." "Just so you keep your head on your studies." "Ash..." "Ashley." "Okay, that's twice." "Ashley, Ashley, come back here." "Come..." "I ain't playing, girl." "Come back here!" "And what are you looking at?" "Well, can you fix it or not?" "Lady, this thing needs a whole new mess of parts." "I'll have to come back tomorrow." "Tomorrow?" "Don't you have, like, a spare stove in your truck?" "I took it out when I put in the hot tub." "Listen, you..." "Duane." "I happen to have an orthopedist coming to dinner." "It's Valentine's Day." "Or wasn't there a sign or something in the trailer park?" "Listen, you." "The stove has to wait until tomorrow." "But while I'm here, maybe I can adjust your attitude." "Hello." "Oh, hi, Don." "You what?" "Yeah, I understand." "Sure." "Bye." "Problem?" "My date got called to the emergency room." "Some old lady fractured her hip and broke her leg in five places." "Do I have the worst luck or what?" "You're not the only person who had things to do." "I was supposed to go out clubbing with the Maytag repairman." "He don't get out much, you know." "That a smile?" "Was that a smile that I just saw?" "Oh, it looks really nice on you too." "You know what?" "As long as neither of us are doing anything why don't we not do it together?" "Oh, well, that's very sweet, but how can I put this nicely?" "I'm too good for you." "I usually don't say this to a woman, but you know what?" "You're probably right." "Happy Valentine's Day, pretty lady." "Duane?" "Do you fix microwaves?" "Can we go now, please?" "No, I don't want this evening to ever end." "Stop it, Vivian." "You don't wanna be here any more than I do." "You're right, I would rather be in a romantic, beautiful restaurant having a wonderful Valentine's Day dinner." "But you didn't remember." "Look, sweetheart, sweetheart, you know..." "Come on, everyone, hum with me." "Sweetheart, I work very hard to provide a good life for you and my family." "And every night, I hold you in my arms, I kiss you goodnight." "I don't need a holiday to tell you that I love you." "I show you all year." "Oh, Philip." "We're going to Paris on our anniversary." "Philip." "Oh, that's next week." "It is?" " Ashley?" " Oh, great." "I just paid a 10 dollar cover to spend Valentine's Day with my parents." " Where is Will?" " I don't know and I don't care." " How did you get here?" " I took a bus." "You what?" " You got a lot of explaining to do." " So do you, Will." "You let this child wander the street at night." "I'm not a child." "You were supposed to watch out for her." "I did." "That's why I kicked that old nasty boyfriend's butt out." " Daddy..." " Just a minute." " What did he do to my little girl?" " I'm not a little girl." "Hey, a little less yelling and shouting, a little more humming and clapping." " Look, all I know is..." " Where is the girl?" "We was at the Putt Putt Golf and she was necking." "Who was necking?" " All I know, is I'm dating her..." " You know you had a responsibility." "Five, four, three, two." "We're here live at the St. Valentine's Day Open where Samantha Sackin is about to attempt a very difficult stroke." "Oh, wait, it looks like she's getting help from her caddy." " Hold, please, hold." " Ti, you can't walk through the shot." "Did I?" "Oh, my God." "Jeez." "You little Filthy McNasty."