"I Gotta Feeling" "I got a feeling" "Whoo-hoo" "That tonight's gonna be a good night" " Good night." "Good night." " Hey, Jimmy!" "That tonight's gonna be a good, good night" "Hi!" "Whoo-hoo" "Cor." "Good." "Well, you seem more excited than me, and I've seen the fucking show." "Good manners are disappearing." "When I was a lad it was considered polite to tap a lady on the head before ejaculating." "I know." "You know why kids wear their trousers slung low with no belt?" "It's cos they're dicks." "True story." "I attempted suicide once, came pretty close, killed the guy standing next to me." "It's all right, it was a Goth, it's what he would have wanted." "Whenever my girlfriend says, "Fucking men!"" "I always think, "Yeah, that is the alternative."" " What?" "What, sorry?" " Tosser!" " Tosser?" "Right." "Just a rand..." "Just "tosser"?" "You know you're in fucking Glasgow, don't you, where someone pays you 22.50 to tell you to fuck off." "Fair enough, fill your boots." "On average, in the Northern hemisphere," "January is the coldest month of the year." "But if you were in Australia, you'd be surrounded by cunts." "Any Australians in?" "Yeah!" "Welcome back." "I'll tell you why there's no women's boxing." "The weigh-in." "The fight would happen then and there." "Per square inch of head, people with red hair have 750 fewer friends than normal people." "A lot, isn't it?" "Are there any redheads in?" "Yes!" "Ugh." "I think I'm all right if I look away." "My partner recently lost 11 stone." "Well, I say that." "I left her." "Fat cow." "A lot of people like to smoke cigarettes after sex, but you can't buy cigarettes until you're 16, so I have to get them for both of us." "You think its wrong I'm buying a 15-year-old girl cigarettes?" "You think it's wrong I'm fucking her?" "I'm kidding." "Kidding does sound like a verb for child abuse, doesn't it?" "I'm kidding." "Are you joking or touching kids?" "Women say they want their ideal man to be the outdoors type, the kind of man that enjoys long walks in the countryside." "Women say they want their ideal man to be the kind of man that'll take control, the kind of man that's not afraid to take a few risks." "Basically what you're saying, ladies, is your ideal man is a rapist." "And it's true, if you're a rapist you've got pretty much your pick of women." "It's funny cos it's true." "Well, I thought I'd kick off with some jokes, Glasgow, not fuck about too much." "I'll pause for breath and say hello, how are you, Glasgow, are you well?" "Like an angry mob." "I thought we'd kick off properly." "We're in a beautiful room, the Armadillo in Glasgow." "Bloody marvellous." "I thought we'd start things properly, yeah?" "Cos everyone's dressed up, it's a Saturday night, let's have a round of applause for the ladies." "Let's have a round..." "Yeah." "Let's have a round of applause for the ladies." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Quite right." "Yeah." "That's..." "Actually that's..." "that's probably enough." "Looking round, some of them have made no effort." "You've no made an effort, have ye?" "You've not made an effort, have ya?" "Oh, bless him." "Mongo no like." "Look at you." "Sorry, your comment there is that I haven't made much of an effort?" "Well, there's some cameras and some fucking lights," "I don't know what you had in mind." "It's not like I come to your work and knock the sailors' cocks out of your mouth, is it?" "Come on." "Seems like a very weird thing from quite a tough-looking man from Glasgow to say." ""Oh, you've not made much of an effort." ""I thought you'd be dressed up prettier."" "It's a little bit prison rape coming from you, sir." "That's what it feels like." "There's an incredible amount of pressure on women these days to be beautiful and thin." "And all I can say is, we've got some very brave girls in here this evening, really." "Terrific stuff." "No, there are some stunning-looking women in here this evening, and some right dogs." "You know who you are." "I'm joking." "No one in here is stunning." "It's all right to make those kind of jokes in comedy, because no one minds." "Like, occasionally someone will go," ""Oh, yeah, comedy, it's the new rock 'n' roll."" "It fucking isn't." "I'll tell you how comedy isn't rock 'n' roll - there's no comedy groupies." "There's groupies in rock 'n' roll, there's no groupies in comedy." "What girl is so into comedy she's gonna come backstage and suck me off?" "Well, might be a premature end to the show." "Have her washed and brought to my room." "I'm joking, don't wash her." "Seriously, what girl is so into stand-up she's going to come backstage and suck me off just so she can go," ""That tastes funny."" "It's a very fun job, this is all I do for a living, I travel around," "I find large groups of people with the same sense of humour as me and then I tell them jokes for the evening." "It means I get to go everywhere." " Any Irish people in?" " Yes." "Oh, a few, not that many." "Sounds like the roads in Glasgow are very nearly finished." "I was in Dublin recently doing a show and I was there with a friend hanging out for the day - what could be finer?" " and he dared me to say this at the end of the show." "So right at the end of the show I went," ""Dublin, I don't know much about Irish politics."" "That was pretty much their reaction." "A couple of thousand people going, "I bet you fucking don't, no."" "I said, "I don't know much about..." But he dared me to do it so I had to say it." "I said, "I don't know much about Irish politics," ""I just think we should have one Ireland united."" "They were on their feet in Dublin, "This guy is all right."" "And then I added, "One Ireland united" ""under British rule."" "They went fucking spastic." "Any Welsh people in, any Welsh?" "Just one." "We seem to have contained the problem." "Good." "I'm loving the Welsh." "Every time I go to Wales I have a lovely time." "The people are very friendly, but I get annoyed every time I go to Wales." "Not by the people, but by the signs." "All the signs in Wales." "Road signs, tourist information, shop signs." "Every fucking sign has to be in English and Welsh." "Everything, English and Welsh." "It's ridiculous cos it costs a fortune to do and only five per cent of the population of Wales can read." "Well, I like to think of myself as an equal opportunities offender." "We've done the Irish, we've done the Welsh." "Any Scottish people in?" "Imagine my surprise." "Here's a question for you, my Scottish friends." "If you were a homeless alcoholic Scot and you had Tourette's, how would they ever know?" "I'll tell you where's rough in England." "I was there recently and I didn't realise it was meant to be rough, but Nottingham..." "I didn't realise this, Nottingham is the gun capital of Great Britain." "Tell you what Nottingham needs - a sheriff." "It's quite a silly joke." "Are there any Scousers in?" "Well, there's a few there, all right." "Hi, the Scousers." "You well?" "No." "What do you do for a living?" "Oh, sorry, I forgot you were a Scouser there for a second, I apologise." "That's awkward." "I'm not having a go at Liverpool, I'm loving the Scousers." "It's a great place to do a gig." "It's got a similar feel to Glasgow." "People heckle quite a lot, they join in, they're quite up for it and nice sense of humour." "Loving the Scouse crowd, although I will say this about Liverpool " "Liverpool is the only city in Great Britain where JD Sports has an evening-wear department." "They've got a fucking bridal shop." "Can I interest madam in an off-white tracksuit?" "I always make a bit of an effort when I'm travelling, doing this job," "I always make a bit of an effort to do the accent of wherever I am, and generally people take that well, they like the fact that you've made an effort." "But sometimes people get chippy if you don't get it right." "I was doing a gig in the north of England and this guy came up to me after the show, quite aggressive." "Yeah." "He said..." ""All right, our kid?" ""I don't think you've got any fucking respect for this town." ""Try and do the voice, we don't even fucking talk like tha'." ""Knobhead."" "I said "No, you've got me all wrong, I love Newcastle."" "I've got a friend that got into an argument with a barmaid from Sunderland." "Long story short, he ended up calling her a fat, ugly Geordie cunt." "And she said," ""I'm no a Geordie."" ""I'm no a Geordie."" "Sorry, that's a terrible accent." "But it is how they talk." "I'm always impressed..." "I came up on the train." "Anyone that can get on a train..." "Maybe some of you can do this." "Can any of you get on a train and not have to ask, is it the right train?" "I'm unable to do that." "Whenever I get on a train," "I've always got to find someone who looks like a grown-up, to me, and go, "Is this the right one?" "Is this the one for Glasgow?"" "We all know the answer, cos we've all been asked by a tit like me, the answer is always, "Hope so."" ""Hope so."" "I've started doing it on planes." "I went on holiday recently, and they told me on holiday, yeah, in the hotel, that they had special stuff in the swimming pool that turns the water purple if you pee in the pool." "So I didn't pee in the pool." "I didn't realise they had stuff for shit." "But they clearly did, cos they were onto me almost immediately." "I told them it was a brown shark." "They were having none of it." "I met a fat vegetarian." "I thought, "Well done."" ""All that on salad, you go, girl."" "Whatever I'm cooking, I always make sure there are vegetarian options." "They can make do or they can fuck off." "Women have a go at men for overreacting to man flu, but I think AIDS is pretty serious." "Near where I live in North London, there's Hampstead Heath." "I don't know if you've heard of Hampstead Heath, but there are toilets on Hampstead Heath, this parkland, that are notorious for gay cruising." "This is where gay guys go in North London to hook up with other gay guys of an evening, the toilets on Hampstead Heath." "Now I live near there, here's my question - what happens if you just want a piss?" "You're buggered." "Yeah, you can laugh - I found out the hard way." ""The hard way" is not the phrase to use there, is it?" "I've got lots of gay friends." "I'm sure there are loads of gay men in, a few certainly dotted around." "Are there gay men in?" "Keeping it quiet in Glasgow." "I've got loads of gay friends, I'm sure there are some gay men in this evening," "How do you decide who goes where in a gay relationship?" "When it's a man and a woman you know what goes where, pretty much, most of the time?" "Apart from birthdays and Christmas." "That was a good little nudge." ""Told you that was normal."" "But if it's two guys, cos it's two guys, is it like calling shotgun in the car?" "Cos I get annoyed if my friend gets to sit in the front." "I'd be livid if he got to pop his cock in my bum." "That is the face I would do." "Do you know how to tell if someone's gay, Glasgow?" "Do you know how to tell?" "You know when you get a posh lady, if a posh lady is drinking tea from a cup and a saucer, and she'll do the thing with her pinkie, she'll do the..." ""Oh, delicious, Morag." "Another scone?"" "She's Scottish." "Anyway, she'll do the thing with the pinkie." "Well, if a guy does that when he's sucking your cock..." "Gay!" "Well, you're sucking that like a poof, you bender." "What is he like?" "Don't get the wrong idea, Glasgow, I'm not homophobic." "Anyone that says I'm homophobic can suck my cock." "As long as he's not a fella, cos that isn't natural." "I think I should be allowed to tell these jokes because although I've never had sex with a man," "I have fucked a girl ugly enough to count as a man." "My friend said that to me recently, my friend Louise." "We were just chatting about nothing and out of the blue she just went," ""I've never been to bed with an ugly man, but I've woken up with a few."" "So I said to her, "I've never been to bed with an ugly girl," ""but I've fucked a few in car parks."" "Sorry, I should clarify, car park is just what I call the vagina." "Because of my name." "You don't look at all happy with the euphemism "car park"" "for the va-jay-jay." "I don't want to offend anyone this evening." "The least offensive term, probably front bottom." "So from here on in, we'll call it a front bottom and a back cunt." "And then..." "Who's seen me before, Glasgow?" "Who's been to one of my shows before?" "I always stick around at the end of the show and say hi to people." "Frankly, the least I could do on a day out." "And the question I get asked more than any other question, after the gig people say to me, "What's going on in your head?"" "Well, often they don't phrase it like that, they'll say, "What's wrong with you?"" "So I thought this evening what might be a fun thing to do is to take you on a little guided tour inside of my mind." "I've done pictures to illustrate and I'll show you what's actually happening up here." "Oh, yes." "Sorry, I've just noticed some people wearing masks of my face, in what could only be described as a fucking freaky incident." "Why have you..." "You've got a mask of my..." "Could you just hold it up, so..." "Could you turn that round, just so other people can see how fucking freaky that is." "The odd thing about that is," "I was looking at you for a second, I was going, "That looks familiar." ""That's something about..." ""Hang on, I'm usually shaving when this happens."" "Thanks for fucking freaking me out on the DVD record," "I really fucking appreciate it." "You crazy bint." "What's your name, madam?" " Claire." " Claire." "And what do you do, Claire?" " Er, student." " Depends on the guy probably." "If it's a one-night stand you really let your hair down." "What do you do for a living, Claire?" " Er, student." " You're a student?" "Ah, thus the free time to be making masks of comedians' faces." "And who are you here with, who's your friend?" " I'm Lucinda." " Is she your special friend?" "Are you special friends?" "Do you sometimes use the mask and use a strap-on and pretend?" "Yeah." "Pretend you're doing it like normal people, yeah." "Sorry, that's how I laugh." "If I laugh at any point in the show, it sounds like Elmo's being tickled, or a seal is being sexually molested." "Thanks very much for making a mask, thanks for making a fuss of me." "Right, sorry, I was going to take you on a guided tour of my mind." "We'll kick off with some thoughts." "That's me, thinking." "Or shitting, it's unclear from that." "I don't really like the term shitting, I find it a bit aggressive." "I prefer to say growing a tail." "It's nice to be nice, isn't it?" "Right, some thoughts for Glasgow." "White-van drivers." "I don't know, they think they own the road with their flashing lights and their sirens." ""Ooh, there's been an accident."" "There fucking will be." "Of course, the thing they never do on soaps is watch TV." "And that's because they'd see all their dead friends on The Bill." "Have you just spotted the aids?" "Well done." "Whenever I see a sticker on the back of a car saying "Princess On Board"" "it always makes me think of Diana." "I always think, "Don't upset Prince Philip, you'll be fine."" "What?" "I didn't fucking kill her, don't give me a hard time." "What super power would I most like to have?" "I've given that a lot of thought." "That's the sort of thing men think about a lot." "What super power would be best?" "I think invisibility would be the coolest super power to have." "And really, the question is, if I was invisible what would I do second?" "I think we all know what I would do first." "Let's face it, if I was invisible, they'd think the ladies' changing rooms were haunted." "Where's all this ectoplasm coming from?" "It seems to be..." "Something just tapped me on the head." "Manners cost nothing." "I have a lot of ideas and I'd like to share some of my ideas with Glasgow this evening." "Yes." "I'd like to share some ideas with all of you good people." "I'm working on a book at the moment, it's about a zombie that comes back from the dead, but the twist is, the zombie is the good guy." "But apparently it's already been done." "It's called the Bible." "It's annoying, isn't it?" "I've had an idea for a TV show, it's called Jim'll Fix lt." "It's just me spaying cats." "The first guy that persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses, he must have been a hell of a salesman." "There's a lot of problems in the world, so I like to do a little bit of problem solving every day, try and make the world a slightly better place." "British women, that's you ladies," "British women last year spent 280 million removing unwanted body hair." "Surely it would be cheaper and easier just to move to Germany." "If you're worried about putting on a few extra pounds and you want to be ready for next summer with your beach body why don't you visit Somalia and get some fucking perspective?" "There's people with real problems, you fat cow." "I've solved another problem, it's a little thing, but little and often with problem solving is the best way to do it." "I've invented a bird table for my back garden." "It's three foot tall and it saves a fortune on cat food." "I tell you who I think should team up." "Neighbourhood Watch and peeping toms." "It's a good idea, isn't it?" "A marriage made in heaven." "And it would add a new dimension to the term "curtain twitching"." "Curtain twitching could mean checking up on the neighbours, or curtain twitching, female masturbation." "I feel we've crossed a line, haven't we, Glasgow?" "We've definitely crossed a line." "Facts." "We've all got loads of facts inside our heads, it's something to do with living in this internet age." "British people are at least one inch taller than we were 20 years ago and that's because 20 years ago we were all children." "40 per cent of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partner." "I use Mr Tinkle." "Mr Tinkle is just a silly name I've got for my tummy banana." "Most bingo winners don't tell their other halves about their windfall and that's because their husbands are dead." "There are 427 licensed professional jockeys currently working in the UK." "If you laid them all from end to end they would stretch from here to here." "An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes." "Or longer, if you don't mind it dying." "Interesting little fact for you." "Obsessive Star Trek fans are known as?" "Yay!" "Virgins." "Sorry." " Are you a big Star Trek fan?" " Yes." "But how old are you?" "Do you mind me asking?" "You seem like..." "What, sorry?" " Twenty." " Twenty?" "Right, so definitely not a virgin in Glasgow." "What do you do for a living?" " I'm a secretary." " You're a secretary?" " Yes." " Nice." "Is it 1950 already?" " It's 2010 actually." " What?" "2010 actually." "All right." "You seem a bit chippy." "Oh, it is Glasgow, sorry." "I'd love to chat more, but I'm at work, so..." "Here, this will cheer you up." "Oh, and you've gone for that, nice." "What a lady." "Let's talk about language." "I'm slightly obsessed by language." "I spend my life toying with it, and messing round with it, and trying to write jokes for you good people to laugh at." "A lot of people don't like it when language changes." "A lot of people don't like Starbucks, for example, because what was small, medium and large, is now tall, grande and venti." "But I like the fact that I've now got a tall cock." "That's taken away a lot of the stigma." "A lot of people change the language that they use so as not to offend certain interest groups or individuals." "Which is fair enough, you know how touchy queers are." "PC has ruined some things." "You can't say fruit salad any more, it's now homosexual salad." "Which is mental, because all salad is gay." "Cooee!" "You've got to be very careful in how you express yourself." "You could be saying the same thing, but if you pick the wrong words, you could cause offence quite inadvertently." "I'll give you an example, I'll read you two sentences." "The first one is entirely inoffensive, the second one, well, it could be misconstrued." "I know, heaven forefend, but they both say the same thing, interesting." "I fell into a hedge, cut my face, and I can only partially remember the evening." "It's fine, isn't it?" "Much better than saying," "I fell into a bush, got gash on my face, and can only remember snatches." "Doesn't maternity..." "Maternity makes it sound like you're going to be fat forever?" "And some of you will be." "Doesn't Nazi gold sound like a greatest hits?" "Let's talk about fears, our subconscious mind." "That's quite an interesting area, isn't it?" "Yeah." "The best way to conquer a fear of spiders is next time you see a spider, imagine it naked." "Has anyone got like a morbid fear of spiders?" " Like a..." " Yes." "Someone's got one over there?" " My brother." " Your brother has?" "Well, so that's kind of..." "Oh, he's here, it wasn't a random," ""I haven't got a phobia, but my brother has, maybe you could help with that."" " What's your name?" " Kyle." "Kyle?" "And you speak for him?" "When you say your brother you're not from Paisley, you're not going out or anything, are you?" "Oh, no, I'm just asking cos..." "What do you do, Kyle?" "Nothin' the noo but." "What, sorry?" "Nothin' the noo." "Nothing the now?" "It's a new..." "Kyle and I are just workshopping, we're coming up with a new children's character for Scotland." "He's called Nothing the Now, the unemployed donkey." "Nothing the now?" "What the fuck is that, Kyle?" "What do you do for a living?" "You're unemployed." " Aye." " Aye." " Yes." " All right, well, good, it was lovely having you here." "Especially as a lot of the taxpayers paid for you to fucking be here." "Well..." "Yeah." "Let's face it, we're in Glasgow, there's a lot of people that applauded that that have never paid any tax in their fucking lives." ""'Ey, there's tax on spirits, isn't there?"" "What I'd like to do, Kyle, my gift to you, give something back to the community," "not just put care in it," "I'd like to cure you of your fear of spiders." "You up for this?" "Aye." "Like Derren Brown style with hypnosis, cure your fear of spiders." "You up for this?" " Aye." " Fabulous." "All right." "Cos it's happening." "OK, imagine, Kyle, you're at home, in bed, under the duvet, as snug as a bug in a rug, mmm." "And you're dreaming of whatever... unemployed people in Glasgow dream of." "I don't know, being on the Social for another few years." "I don't fucking know." ""Ooh, and then I sign my name and the cheques keep comin', oh, lovely."" "OK, so you're at home in bed." "You're in the most safe and secure environment you could possibly be in." "You're under the duvet, safe and secure and warm, mmm." "Dreaming away." "A spider, Kyle, the size of my hand, big hairy motherfucker, crawls on your face as you lie sleeping." "Doesn't wake you, Kyle, you're still dreaming of nice things," "Buckfast and the like." "Just sits there for a while on your face, Kyle, as you sleep." "Lays its eggs in your tear ducts and scampers away to its enormous, giant spider nest, under your bed, where it lives." "You can check later if you like." "OK." "You wake up in the morning, fresh as a daisy, lovely, ready for a busy day." "Well..." "You're awake anyway." "OK, so you're absolutely fine the next morning." "About a week later, you're sitting reading the paper, you know." ""That's a weird itch."" "A thousand spiders hatch out of your eyes!" "Has that helped at all?" "That needs work, doesn't it?" "Sorry." "If it's any consolation, it's only Kyle, doesn't matter." "Franklin D Roosevelt famously said," ""There is nothing to fear but fear itself."" "Of course, he's dead now." "Killed by a spider." "What I worry about, and I'm sure many of you share my concerns," "I worry about climate change." "Climate change, or to give it its official scientific name, autumn." "Do you know, we produce 48 per cent more carbon emissions than we used to in the 1970s?" "But that figure could be halved if you just divided it by two." "I'll tell what I do really worry about, and I'm sure Kyle will be thinking this is entirely justified," "I worry about going mad." "I've got a friend that went mad last year and ended up killing himself." "He took everything in the medicine cabinet." "Choked on a surgical bandage." "That's not how I would do it." "If I was going to kill myself," "I know what I would do, I don't wanna be morbid, but I know how I'd do it." "I would dress up as Superman and jump off the top of a building." "How fucking awesome would that be?" "And I would do it at four o'clock in the afternoon during term time." "Cos you'd want a couple of hundred kids going, "Wow, Superman!"" "And then, "Whoa, Fathers for Justice."" "Rape." "Such a harsh word." "I prefer to say when kiss-chase goes too far." "And what exactly is aggravated rape?" ""Oh, not only did he rape me, now I've missed my bus."" "On the positive side, at least with Rohypnol there are no bad memories." "What?" "Let's talk about childhood, Glasgow." "Yeah." "Childhood memories, childhood thoughts, yeah." "One in ten British kids has never been to a beach in this country." "Imagine that, growing up without ever having seen a dead cormorant with a tampon on its head." "When I was a kid I wanted to get a tattoo but my parents said I had to get it somewhere that didn't matter." "So I had it done in Hull." "Is anyone here from Hull?" " Yeah!" " Doesn't matter." "Here's an interesting thing, you can have sex in this country when you're 16, but you can't buy pornography until you're 18." "That's an odd law." "You can have sex when you're 16, but you're not allowed to watch other people have sex for another two years." "So if you're 16, you can have sex, just don't look down." "Let's talk about faith and spirituality, an important part of our psyches I'm sure you will agree." "Christians say, and there may be Christians in this evening," "Christians say, "Jesus died for your sins, be good."" "I say, "He's already dead, fuck it."" ""What's he going to do, get deader?" "Fill your fucking boots, mate."" "Also, if he died for your sins and you don't do any sins, you've made him look a right cunt." "I don't believe in the paranormal per se, but I do have a spirit guide." "Well, I say spirit guide, you might call it a sat nav." "Paranormal is actually derived from the Greek." ""Para" meaning "you're not", and normal." "Let's talk about travel, yeah?" "The main reason Americans..." "Are there any Americans in?" "For the best." "The main reason Americans don't have passports is they have trouble fitting in the photo booth." "Luckily, they've developed Google Earth." "More than 2.3 million households have no one in full-time work, which is a convoluted way of saying there is a place called Scotland." " Ha!" "Really?" "Good luck." "Of course, not all Scottish people are alcoholics, a lot of you are recovering alcoholics with drug problems." "Let's face facts, Glasgow, if you Scottish ever find a way to deep-fry whisky, you are fucked." "Interesting little fact for you - hopscotch was originally invented in Glasgow by children trying to step over their alcoholic parents." "True story." "Let's talk about some dumb things." "I see a lot of dumb signs." "I was in a supermarket, I saw a sign, it said, "Buy two get one free."" "But I only wanted one, so I took the free one." "I don't want to show off about my showbiz lifestyle, but I was in a Yates's Wine Lodge..." "Yeah, I was in a Yates' Wine Lodge and I got talking to the barmaid." "I asked her how many types of wine they did in Yates's Wine Lodge, and she said, "Both."" "Let's talk about some important social issues." "There's a guy I work with, and every day he has what looks like fish fingers." "I think he was in a fire." "Don't tell me that's too brutal for Glasgow." "Most domestic fires need just four things to start - a source of oxygen, a source of heat, gambling debts, and an up-to-date insurance certificate." "I hate people that make loud noise on public transport, particularly explosions." "Annoying!" "I got into an argument," "I said, "Women have a lower pain threshold than men."" "She said, "Try childbirth."" "I said, "I have." "How do you think I got here?"" "Do you know, the NHS is currently so underfunded that couples wanting IVF treatment to help them conceive are being told to go and fuck themselves." "Remember, dogs die in hot cars, or a heavy blow to the back of the head will work just as well." "Oh, really?" "That's the one that got you?" "OK." "I came home the other night and my girlfriend was dressed up as a French maid." "Very disappointed, the house was a fucking state." "Filthy slut." "Well, let's talk about love and romance and sex." "Let's talk about sex, Glasgow." "There's a very commonly held belief that men think about sex every seven seconds, which I think makes talking to your dad creepy." "British men spend, on average, 22 minutes on foreplay." "Of course, that is spread out between all of us over the course of a year." "Women who read romance novels have twice as much sex as the national average." "Well, I say sex, what I mean is, they yield the precious softness of their silken female innocence to the crushing firmness of his intent." "Sorry, I came over all Catherine Cookson there." "That's not a great phrase to use." "That would be like painting the Forth Bridge." "The average person has two pounds of meat lodged in their colon." "So, come on, love..." "Most people don't know this, but confetti that you get at a wedding, confetti represents fertility and the seed of man." "Which is quite accurate cos a lot of it does end up in the bride's hair." "Women have a go at men because we're no good at multi-tasking, but then you have a go at us when we piss in the shower." "It's like we can't win." "Speaking of multi-tasking, I had a threesome last week." "My girlfriend is pretty cool." "But if she finds out about this I'm in trouble." "I did have a threesome." "I know what you're thinking," ""Yeah, probably you, a girl and another bloke."" "No." "It was actually me and two blokes." "That feels like enough from inside my head, shall we leave it there?" "Let's leave it there." "Marvellous." "Yes, erm..." "Do you ever do this, do you get asked to do the washing-up and you do it really badly, on purpose, so you never get asked again?" "Yes." "My girlfriend does that with blowjobs." "Seriously, her blowjobs suck." "And it's not just me, a lot of my friends have commented." "My girlfriend likes to have the lights on during sex." "Cos she likes to be able to read." "Which I think is to be encouraged in a girl of her age." "I'm kidding!" "She's actually scared of the dark." "Some people like the lights on, some have to have the lights off." "I like the lights on during sex, my best mate likes to have the lights off." "And fair enough, his missus is a pig." "My girlfriend and I do a bit of role play in the bedroom." "I pretend to be a swarthy Italian Lothario, and she pretends to be asleep." "She gets pretty into it." "Sometimes she's there for seven or eight hours." "I'm actually quite conservative, sexually." "I tried S  M once." "Well, I say I tried S  M, I punched a girl." "Who's in a long-term relationship?" "Give us a shout if you are." "Yes?" "Yes!" "Oh, loads of us, OK." "Well, you'll know as I know, in a long-term relationship it's all about compromise, it's about finding that common ground because if you're not both happy, neither of you can independently be happy." "No one's happy when the other half has got a face on, are you?" "You've got to find common ground." "Here's a good example of compromise, this happens a lot in our house." "I want to go out for the evening, a night out, she wants a romantic night in." "So, as a compromise, we go dogging." "We don't." "I suggested having sex outside once and she went," ""What if someone comes?"" "I said, "We'll go home."" "OK, I've got a question for the men of Glasgow, OK?" "You're representing the men of Britain this evening." "Got a question for you." "Has any man in this room ever used the phrase "making love"?" "No." "Never." "No, well no, of course fucking not." "Purely the preserve of the ladies, ladies love that phrase, making love." "Making love." "Hm." "Making love." "But you know why it's called making love?" "It's cos we're going to make you do it, love." "Thanks very much." ""Fuckin' right."" "I got stopped by one of those charity muggers." "You know the ones, with the clipboard in the high street, and you think, "Oh, I've dodged him," then there's another, "Oh!" "For..."" "They work in teams, I don't know how they do it." "Anyway, I got stopped, I got cornered." "He said, "Can I have a word about the homeless?"" "I said, "Certainly - lazy."" ""Off you fuck."" "I was in London and I saw a homeless guy with a dog on a piece of string." "Classic look for a homeless guy." "It is." "And I was walking by and the homeless guy said," ""Could you spare some money for food?"" "And my friend said, "Eat the dog, then we'll talk."" "Even I thought, "That is harsh."" "I'm joking, I didn't." "Truth be told, there was no friend there, I said it." "I was just checking to see you thought it was funny first." "I do a lot of gigs for people less fortunate than me." "Only last week I was in Stoke." "For those who don't know it, it's the English equivalent of Dundee." "Are there people in from Dundee?" "Oh, there's girls in from Dundee." "That's good cos I've got money for chips and I wouldn't mind sex." "I like the fact the girls from Dundee applauded that." "Just, yeah, you're going, "Yeah, fuck, chips, ooh."" "Shall I do my impression of me seducing a girl from Dundee?" "That's all you need." "Fucking marvellous." "This isn't what the show is about at all, but I was going to tell you about a thing that I'm doing, means a lot to me, and I'm going to take a moment of your time." "I've started a little charity, just a little thing of my own and it's going great, but I didn't want to put anything up on big screens or put any leaflets out or anything in the programme." "I was going to tell you what the charity I've set up does, then if you want to get involved you could Google it." "It's not what the evening's about, it's about having a laugh, but I thought I might..." "sorry, I'm wittering on." "But you could just look it up or Google it, if you want to get..." "No, I'm just saying, cos you could be proactive rather than me forcing it down..." "Cos people get bored of that." "OK." "What we do is we send obese children to the rainforest." "I don't mind you tittering, cos we're seeing fabulous results." "If you wanna be part of that, it's feedthetigers." "Com." "Their faces light up." "Not the children, obviously, they're fucking petrified." "Although, it is quite ironically funny seeing them trying to run away." "It's a bit late for cardiovascular now." "You should have thought of that when you were waddling to Gregg's, you fat fuck!" "Flooding." "Flooding's pretty bad." "I saw a woman on the news in her flooded front room, crying." "I thought, "Crying's not helping." ""If anything, you're making matters worse, love."" "I am committed to getting young girls off the streets." "Sometimes it's just for a half-hour, but it relaxes me." "I find it very relaxing." "Sorry, I'm not sounding very charitable, I do do my bit." "I've created a foundation for battered women." "It's really thick, to hide the bruising." "It's weird, domestic abuse is still a real sort of taboo subject." "People don't like talking about it." "Ironically, that makes the problem much worse, cos the charities that deal with domestic abuse, their problem is a problem of communication, cos the women that they're trying to communicate with, the battered wives, are the very women that won't shut up and listen." "Tragically, this is the only language they understand." "I don't know what that is." "That's like the lion from the Wizard Of Oz." "I wouldn't last a fucking day in this city, would I?" "Sorry, I know there's a degree of civic pride in Glasgow because domestic abuse was invented right here, wasn't it?" "Around the turn of the century, well done, we salute you." "Someone say something there?" "Old Firm day is domestic violence day?" "Is that a thing?" " Is that real?" "There's a woman there just going, "Yeah."" ""Oh, yeah."" "What, sorry?" "Just tell me that again, Old..." "Old Firm day, Rangers and Celtic game." "So when Rangers play Celtic, it's the day for domestic abuse?" "I fucking love it that you've got it diarised." "Has anyone had this recently, has anyone made an appointment with the doctors recently?" "I phoned up for an appointment with my doctor and I got an appointment in three weeks' time." "I thought, "That's good, I'll either be better or dead."" "But then they gave me option B." "They said, "You can come down and see the locum doctor." ""It's not your doctor, it's our doctor we've got there," ""and if it's serious you can come down and wait."" "So that's what I did, I went down to the doctor's surgery and I waited for, like, four hours." "And eventually I got called into the treatment room with the doctor." "Walked in there, stunning-looking doctor," "I mean properly ten out of ten, absolutely gorgeous, exactly my type." "I went, "Er..." "I'm embarrassed."" "She said, "I'm a professional, you're a grown man," ""just tell me what the problem is."" "I said, "OK," ""I think my cock tastes funny."" ""I don't know if you've got a test for that," ""but I've had an idea."" "It's weird, the gender stereotype in that joke, isn't it?" "Like the idea, when I say "doctor", most people imagine a man." "That's very odd, cos we all know there's female doctors, but, if you're honest, when I say doctor, do you imagine a man?" "Yes?" "Nurse is even worse." "If I say nurse, do you imagine a woman?" "Sounds like a slightly overactive imagination there." "Ooh, yes!" "I mean like a proper nurse, not like a stripper in a pub." "When I say nurse, do you imagine a woman, yes?" "But we know there's loads of male nurses." "It's not pronounced male, you don't call them male nurses." "It's pronounced, "Male nurses?" "!"" "Not that I want to offend any male nurses, or indeed your boyfriends." "Just nod that one in, good." "I'll never forget what my granddad said to me," ""I shit in a bag, please kill me."" "A great way to warm up pensioners in winter is cremation." "Do you know you lose 50 per cent of your taste buds by the time you're 75." "So it is OK for your nana to live on cat food." "My nana, my mum's mum, used to make me a jumper every Christmas." "Did anyone else have that?" "She made me a jumper every Christmas." "Much better than the ones in the shops." "No." "No, it isn't." "I remember one year she made me this burgundy monstrosity." "Sleeves way too long and in the front she'd embroidered, "Blacks go home"." "I said, "I'm not wearing that!" ""It's burgundy!" ""And the sleeves are too long, you crazy racist whore."" "My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy and now we have a little baby ghost." "It's quite a sweet joke, it's not hurting anyone and that's why every time I tell that joke I kick a tramp." "Even things up karmically." "Who's got kids?" "Have you got kids?" "You've got kids?" "I've got kids." "I've adopted but it's the same." "It's a family." "Well, fostered." "But as I say, there's a bit of paperwork, it's nothing." "Sponsored." "I've sponsored a child." "Well, it's not a child, it's a panda." "Well, it's a donkey." "I didn't sponsor it, I gave it half an apple through a fence." "That always gets the same reaction, it's always the woman going," ""That's not the fucking same,"" "and the bloke going "Have you?" "Good." ""As long as I don't have to see a fucking photo of it."" "A lot of men use moisturiser, but I'm old-fashioned." "I just spit on my hand." "What did you think we were talking about?" "Oh, come on, don't give me that look, we've all been there." ""Come on, love, the film starts in 10 minutes," ""we haven't got time for your fancy foreplay or your expensive lubricant," ""we're going to be buttering the baking tray the old-fashioned way."" "Ironically, buttering the baking tray is the phrase that will stick." "Sorry, you've just given him a look as if to say," ""I thought you invented that." ""How does he know what we do?"" "Flavoured condoms." "Has anyone had any dealings with flavoured condoms?" "Yeah." "A few of you." "The girl from Dundee is thinking, "I thought that was one of my five-a-day."" ""Another banana, lovely."" "My point on flavoured condoms is they are a waste of money, OK?" "Turns out my girlfriend doesn't have a sense of taste in her front bottom." "Or back cunt." "Which is just as well, if you think about it." "Well, don't think about it." "I've been up here long enough, I can open up a bit," "I can share with you, Glasgow, I can share, yes?" "Yes." "My girlfriend has fallen asleep during sex before." "That is embarrassing." "That is awkward." "But not as awkward as the time she woke up during it." ""Hello, love." ""You're up early." ""Yeah, I was just getting on with a little bit of sex." ""I'll make you a cup of tea when I'm finished." ""That'll help get rid of the taste."" ""Yeah, I know it's weird, I've seen a doctor."" "Good." "Well, that's pretty much the first half of my show, but it's mainly me talking." "Any questions so far?" "Anything you'd like to know?" "Jimmy!" "Yes?" "I'm going to presume all the questions are for me." "If that's..." "If I'm not being too starry and arrogant." "Although, there's something about my name in this town." ""Jimmy." It just sounds right." "Go on, what was the question?" "What would you rather do, suck off your dad or lick out your mum?" "Well..." "Yes, I think if I'm not mistaken, that's one of Wittgenstein's theorems." "Erm..." "Suck off his mum." "You'd suck off his mum?" "He's done you." "He has done you." "I'm not from Perth, so I may never have to make that decision." "Fucking hell, you sound like you come from a very broken home." "I'm not suggesting you fucked your mum, but only because you wouldn't want to two-time your sister." "Why do you laugh like a sexual predator?" "Why do I laugh like a..." ""sexual predator"?" "I like the way that sexual predator sounds better in your accent than any other." "A sexual predator." "I don't know why I laugh like that, it's one of life's mysteries." "In the same way as why are you dressed as a gay lumberjack?" "We may never know." ""I like big thick logs, hm!"" " Yes?" " How big's your cock?" "How big's my cock?" "Well, I'm not sure whether your mother would be comfortable discussing it, but it's..." "Truth be told, it's quite small, but it smells like a big one." "What, sorry?" "Where's the weirdest place I've had sex?" "His mum's bum." "Classic." "I'm joking, of course." "It was his dad's." "Any other questions, thoughts?" "Why do I look like Hitler?" "Nein, nein, nein." "Who said that?" "I'm sorry, who?" "What hotel are you staying in?" "What hotel?" "Ah, well, it's quite a posh one, so it will have to be your place." "I don't think..." "I don't think they'll let you in, they've got a policy on that sort of thing." "And even though I'm not paying you, it looks like I am." "Go on." "Where's your best audience?" "What's the best audience?" "Well, without being sort of, sycophantic, sir, without sucking up to you." "He said, in a very patronising manner." "Glasgow's pretty good, that's why I'm recording the DVD here." "I don't know if you noticed the cameras, but it's..." "It's, er..." "It's just a fun place." "I'll tell you a quick story about Glasgow just before we move on." "I'll tell you the reason I'm recording the DVD here." "The first time I ever came to Glasgow to play at The Stand Comedy Club," "I got in the back of a taxi, yeah?" "And I said to the bloke, cos I wanted to make a reference to where was rough in town, so I said, "Excuse me, driver, where's rough in Glasgow?"" "And he said, "For you, everywhere."" "Then I was on stage later that night, yeah, on stage and I told that story on stage, and all I said was, and I thought this was a comment that was beyond any kind of argument," "all I said was, "Glasgow is quite an aggressive town."" "And a guy down the front went, "No, it fuckin' isnae!"" "No hint of irony." ""No, it fuckin' isnae!"" "I thought, "This place will do for me!"" "Do you all like drinks and sweets, yes?" "Yes." "Everyone does." "Do you sometimes get annoyed paying regular prices for sweets?" "Do you wish you could pay two or three times as much for exactly the same Maltesers?" "Because if you do, you are in luck." "We're about to have an interval and this venue is about to rape you." "I'll meet you back here in 20 minutes for more jokes." "See you then." "Do you ever you walk into a room and forget why you've gone in there?" "You just kind of go, "What am I meant to be?"" " Do you ever get that?" " Yes." "What?" "Are you cat people or dog people?" "What would you say?" "Cos, to me, it all tastes the fucking same." "People of restricted height." "Some of them don't mind being called midgets, but they hate being called dwarves." "Some of them, fine with dwarf, hate being called a midget." "So what are you going to do?" "What I do is call them all Oompa-Loompas." "None of the little fuckers like that, do they?" "Are there any midgets in?" "I haven't seen any, but that's part of their charm." "They could be..." "I don't look down on dwarves." "That's probably gone over their heads." "How could I stoop so low?" "Life's too short." "Just because you're a midget doesn't make you less of a person." "Truth be told, I fucking love dwarves, but I never tell them, cos I don't want them to get big-headed." "A lot of people say women get more attractive after a couple of drinks, but they lose a lot of their charm, vomiting and pissing in the street." "Welcome to Glasgow." "They just put speed bumps outside my local school." "Well, I'm pretty sure it was a speed bump." "I'm 90 per cent sure it was a speed bump." "With a satchel." "I make my own vegetables." "I've got a hammer." "Is it wrong, Glasgow, you be the judge, is it wrong to call the disabled seating area of a theatre the cabbage patch?" "Is that wrong?" "Double amputees, you gotta hand it to them... but they will drop it." "If I lost both my arms I'd probably just shrug it off." "I was doing a gig on this tour, I was telling that joke, and there was a guy sitting down the front there, missing both his arms." "And he laughed at that joke, but then at the end, I noticed he wasn't applauding." "You know that moment when a girl locks eyes with you across a crowded room and says," ""Yes, Your Honour, that's the one."" "I saw a headline in the paper, it said, "Rapist Strikes"." "I thought, "What does he want?" "Better pay and conditions?"" "He's outdoors in the park, he's on flexitime, talk about your job satisfaction." "What, have we got unionised sex offenders now?" ""What do we want?" "Get in the van."" ""When do we want it?" "Get in the van."" "Women ask weird questions." "Well, the women in my life have always asked weird questions." "My girlfriend said to me recently, she said," ""Which of my friends do you think is prettiest?"" "Well, that's what she said, what I heard was, "I fancy a fight."" "I don't know much about women, but I know there is no correct answer to the question," ""Which of my friends do you think is prettiest?"" "There's nothing I can say that she'll go, "Oh, good, yeah."" "I thought, "I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb,"" "so when she asked, "Which of my friends is prettiest?"" "I said, "Karen is pretty, but Susan does that thing with her tongue."" "Talking during sex, Glasgow - where do you stand on talking during sex?" "There should be very strict rules on talking during sex." "Rule number one, don't." "Rule number two, shh!" "And those are the rules." "My girlfriend talks during sex." "I don't mean sexy, dirty, filthy talk," "I'd love that, that'd be awesome." "No." "She says the most mundane shit you've heard in your life mid-coitus." "That means whilst fucking." "The thing you do for chips." "I'll give you an example, OK?" "So a couple of weeks ago, we were making love..." "I'd made her do it, love." "We were about halfway through, well, we were nearly finished, but she didn't know that." "I was in..." "I was actually..." "And she said, "Where did I leave my keys?"" "I said, "Well, they're not in your vagina." ""I've had a good root around, I would've noticed something." ""I'll check your bum."" "She said, "You will not, it's no one's birthday."" "So I've come up with a way of dealing with this, OK?" "I could just say to her, "Could you not say mundane things during sex," ""because it sort of kills the mood for me, sort of ruins it," ""you know, kills the moment."" "I could just say that, but that would be literally no fun at all." "So what I'm doing is whatever she says to me, no matter how mundane, whatever she says to me during sex, I try and make it sexy." "Set myself that challenge." "It's a lot of fun." "I'll give you an example." "She said to me a couple of weeks ago, while we were... she said, "The recycling's coming tomorrow."" "Well, more accurately she said, "The recycling's coming tomorrow."" "So I said," ""The recycling's not the only thing comin' tomorrow." ""Yeah." "I'm gonna separate your paper and plastic."" "Doesn't really mean anything." "That's my sexy voice, by the way." "I've kind of gone for a 1970s blaxploitation New York City voice, cos then you can say things like, "I'm comin'."" "If I just use my voice, I've just got to go, "I've arrived."" "Has anyone heard anything more mundane than that during sex?" "What's the most mundane thing?" " Hurry up." " Hurry up?" "Hurry up." "Huh, what's that, these chips are cold?" "Oh, oh, bless." "Any others?" "What, sorry, what was that one?" "Rather cold today." "Rather cold today?" ""Cold today." "Aye."" "That's like small talk at a bus station." "I suppose we're in Glasgow, it could well have happened at a bus station." "I got the little, "Oh, yes."" " Any others?" " Is it in yet?" "Is it in yet?" "So have you said to this boy here, there's a man covering his eyes now," ""Oh, God, she hasn't."" "That's not your boyfriend?" "I'm sure you don't limit yourself to one." "But you've said to a man, "Is it in yet?"" "Not saying it, but..." "But you've said that, you've looked a man in the eyes and gone, "Is it in?"" "You don't want to look down and check and you've got no feeling in your vagina whatsoever." "So, hang on, just make eye contact with me, without looking down, can you tell if there's a cock in you now?" " What was your one?" " My gran's in hospital." "My gran's in hospital." "You were fucking someone and they said to you, "My gran's in hospital."" "Oh, yeah, baby, tell it like it is!" ""Yeah, I'm gonna break your hips."" "Any other mundane things during sex?" "There's the ice-cream van." "There's the ice-cream van?" "Did you start going out with him when you were a lot younger?" ""Oh, there's the ice-cream van."" ""Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh." "Most natural thing in the world."" "I had one the other week, a guy came in with his wife." "They'd been married, like, 30 years and she had said to him, and she said she'd said it, OK?" "She said to him, during sex, she said," ""Now I've got your full attention, let's talk about those curtains."" "I wish I'd been him I would have gone, "Curtains look fine."" "Another one that comes up a lot, "You're boring me."" "Which my response would be, "Yes, I am."" "I don't know what this says about us as a nation, but one that comes up all the time from audiences is, "Change channels."" "Are we having sex with the television on, people?" "I think if someone said "change channels" to me," "I would know they were talking about the television, but I would be very tempted to go, "Thanks very much." ""I don't mind if I do."" "Of course, the classic is, "Ceiling needs doing."" "Hopefully not in that voice." ""Ceiling needs doing."" "To which my response would be, "Yeah, I'm gonna fill your crack."" "Gentlemen, if you're in a long-term relationship you'll be familiar with this conversation." "It's the conversation that happens five minutes after you think you've gone to sleep." "You know the one I mean?" "TV's off, lights are off, books are down, everyone's washed their teeth." "You're in bed, "Night," "Night," "Love you," "Love you."" ""Night." "Night!"" "Five minutes after that, just as you're drifting off into sleep, the most insecure voice you've ever heard in your life, out of the darkness, "If we broke up," ""would we still be friends?"" "I said, "What do you mean, 'still'?"" "I bought my girlfriend some lingerie, it was her birthday, and she'd hinted at the stuff she wanted, so I went to, I think it was Agent Provocateur, for these fancy kind of pants and bra and stuff." " Well, quite right." "So she was quite impressed, she opened it up on her birthday, she was really into it." "She went, "Oh, these are beautiful, darling, but they're not my size."" "I said, "Don't worry, I've had a chat with the woman in the shop" ""and she says you can have an operation."" "I knew I had to lose some weight in the last year." "It's a very sad day for any man when his girlfriend suggests he comes on his own tits." "Have you ever mixed up a fat person and a pregnant person?" "It's embarrassing, isn't it?" "Especially if it's a fella." "I had a fat girl come up to me recently after a gig, well, I say a fat girl, she was either fat or 18 months pregnant." "She was big." "Bubbly, you might say." "Not with an effervescent personality that filled the room, no, shaped like a bubble." "She was a comfort eater, not eating for emotional comfort, she was eating till she was comfortable to sit on." "She wasn't a size zero she was a shape zero." "She came up to me after..." "Well, she pretty much surrounded me and she said, "You're not meant to use the term 'fat'."" "I said "You're not meant to eat cake for breakfast." ""You're not meant to deep-fry Mars bars." ""And gravy isn't an energy drink."" "And if I can't say "fat", cos I wasn't using fat in a judgmental way," "I was just purely being descriptive on stage," "I was using the word fat, apparently I can't use the word fat now." "If I can't say "fat", what term does she prefer?" "Chunky monkey wobble slob?" "Fatty-boom-batty?" "Or blubbernaut?" "And if you're offended by any of those terms, how about a salad?" "I'm a bit, not distressed at, but a little bit upset, the term "real woman"." "I used to really like the term "real woman"." "It meant a voluptuous, fuller-figured, curvy, beautiful, buxom, plump lady." "You would say, "She's a real woman." It doesn't mean that any more." "Real woman is now a euphemism for chunky monkey wobble slob." "You say, "She's a real woman,"" "when you mean "She's a really fat woman." ""She's dangerously close to being two women."" "Have you ever fucked a girl so fat you think it might count as a threesome?" "You know you're with a fat lass when you find yourself in the throes of passion, thinking," ""Is that boob or arm?" ""I'll give it a lick, just to be sure."" "A lot of people think horizontal stripes make them look fat." "No." "What makes you look fat is being fat." "The only horizontal stripes making you look fat are the ones in Viennetta, lasagne and sponge cake." "I had a fat girl come up to me after a show, a nice girl, she said, "I enjoyed the jokes," ""but I'm a fat woman, how do you think I feel?"" "I said, "Squidgy."" "I was asked recently, Glasgow, by a proper publishing company." "They said to me, "Do you want to write an autobiography?"" "I've given it a bit of thought, I've made notes," "I thought we might go through the notes and see whether it's a good idea for me to write a book." "Just out of interest if I wrote a biography, who here would buy it?" "Well, it might just be worthwhile, you never know your luck." "I've been asked to write it, so I've made notes." "My first thought when they said, "Do you want to write a biography?"" "Was, "I wish I'd kept a journal."" "But I never kept a journal because I'm not a fat Goth girl." "If you write one of these cash-in-on-your-fame biographies, you've got to talk about being famous." "Has fame changed me?" "No." "I've always been a bit of a cunt." "It's a very odd thing, being famous." "I get this thing happen, where about once a week, someone will come up to me in the street and go," ""I know you from somewhere, did we go to school together?"" "I've discovered there's no way to say to another human being," ""No, we didn't go to school together but do you own a television?"" "Without sounding like a total fucking arsehole." " What, sorry?" "Is that Buckfast?" "No, that's water." "You've probably heard of it." "Jimmy, who's the most famous person you've ever met?" "Who is the most famous person I've ever met?" "Well, I once met the, erm..." "It's quite an impressive one, I don't want to show off, but, you know how villages have got idiots, yeah?" "I met the idiot for the whole of Glasgow." "Yes, he's, er..." "One of the biggest cunts in the world, yeah." " I married him." " And you married him." "That is again, that will only happen in Glasgow." "You call someone a cunt and their wife goes, "Yep."" ""Oh, don't I know."" "Fucking hell." "Yeah, I'll record it in Glasgow, it'll be fine." "Really?" "Really?" "For me, big advantage to being famous, as I see it, is if I ever get Alzheimer's I'm going to be absolutely fine." "If I ever forget who I am, I'll be fine cos as I wander around town, people are constantly going, "Oh, look, it's Jimmy Carr." "Oh, look, Jimmy Carr."" "So if I forget my identity, I'll be constantly reminded." "The down side is that five per cent of the time people get it wrong and think I'm Alan Carr." "So once a week, I'd end up back at the care home sucking off an old fella." "I don't really like it." "Looks, let's talk about my looks." "Well, could be worse, it could've been a pop-up book." "Looking at me, you wouldn't think I was voted the fourth sexiest man in Britain, and you'd be right, I wasn't." "People often ask, "How do you get the Jimmy Carr look?"" "Well, get your mother to drink heavily during pregnancy." "Sorry, mate, no offence." "I do look a little like Roger Federer, and a lot like lan Beale's daughter from EastEnders." "Yeah, I wish that wasn't funny." "I wish that didn't ring true, but sadly it does, doesn't it?" "It's an odd thing, being on TV, being on stage in front of all you people, it makes you more vain than you should otherwise be." "I mean, I'm a 37-year-old man, I shouldn't be vain at all." "I realise you can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter, can't you?" "You do the best with what you've got." "I always try and make the best of myself." "I try and dress well and present myself well, it only ever leads to embarrassment, vanity." "The first time I did a room this size in London my older brother came to the gig." "I've always looked up to him." "He came backstage, he didn't say anything about the performance, he just went, "Are you wearing make-up?"" "And to my eternal shame I went, "No, it's tinted moisturiser."" "I couldn't have sounded gayer to him with two cocks in my mouth." "Let's talk about my career." "I've got a terrible boss, I'm self-employed and I'm currently on sexual harassment charges." "On the other hand, you are looking at employee of the month." "How can I explain what it's like?" "You know when you walk past an electrical goods store and they've got all the TVs in the store hooked up to one camera, and you do that weird thing of waving at yourself as you walk by?" "And there's an odd moment where you go," ""Well, I don't want to stop waving because I'm still waving."" "That's what Channel 4 is like for me." "I'm like their fucking screensaver." "For the moment, it's just stand-up and TV for me, my acting career has been put on hold." "That was a decision taken by you, the British public." "A lot of comedians that I started with have now gone to Hollywood to make movies." "Great." "Well done, them." "But there's something called loyalty, and there's something else called a lack of talent and no offers." "I've just noticed..." "Shh!" "Can you all just keep a little bit quiet for a second?" "I've just noticed there's a man over there in a blue jumper," "I think he might be asleep, if you could just keep quiet around him." "Just shush, shush." "Oh, fuck, he's woken." "Fuck!" "Hello." "You're having a fucking weird dream, aren't you?" "I wouldn't fall asleep again, something very bad will happen." "I was going to tea-bag him." "Shit." "It's annoying, isn't it?" "Sounds like it would have been a very popular choice." "What's your name?" " Steven." " Steven." "You had to have a little think." "All right." "And what do you do, Steven?" "I'm a footballer." "You're a footballer." "Who do you play for?" " Stranraer." " Stranraer?" "He's a footballer, he plays for Stranraer." "OK, I'm fucking shit at football as well, mate, don't worry." "That's fine." "Don't worry about that, don't feel bad." "Stranraer." "And is that five-a-side, is it?" "You got a full team?" "Wonderful." "Well, I bet you're a great kicker." "You lazy fuck." "Try and pay attention." "It's not like people fall asleep when Stranraer are playi..." "Oh, no, hang on, that's a bad analogy." "You lazy fucker." "I've noticed a trend in publishing, the last couple of years, the more depressing the childhood segment of the book, the better the book does, the better the biography does." "People love reading about horrible, depressing childhoods, so I've had a crack at writing a heartbreaking childhood memoir." "Which wasn't easy for me, cos my childhood was actually fine." "I was in a lot of fights at school." "Well, not a lot, one." "And it wasn't a fight, it was a debating society." "And I wasn't in it, I was watching." "Still, don't fucking mess." "We were poor, but we were happy." "Every Sunday morning you could hear my dad banging away trying to get some life out of the old boiler." "Then he'd give up, go upstairs and fuck my mum." "I simply adored our pet dog, Patch, but one day my parents called me in and told me that Patch had been called away to the giant potato sack with bricks in it in the sky." "For weeks I wasn't changed, I wasn't given proper food." "Someone stuck the TV on in the corner and I just lay there in my own filth." "God, I loved university." "The other thing I've noticed with books is, anything with a spiritual element always does brilliantly." "Look at the Bible, that's still a bestseller even though they give it away in hotels." "I guess you could say I haven't found Jesus, but then I think Jesus should try and find me." "He's omnipotent, I'm on telly, how tough's that?" "Make a fucking effort, Christ." "Or, Christ, make a fucking effort, it works either way." "I'm cynical about religion, but I'm not a cynic." "I do believe in other things." "I'm willing to believe in aliens." "If aliens don't exist, then who was it that abducted me at the age of 13, transported me to a room full of flashing lights, and subjected me to a terrifying rectal probing?" "Oh, that's right, it was the guy that ran the youth centre disco." "Yeah." "The thing that put me off religion was I was raised Catholic, any other Catholics in?" "It's a weird thing." "If you go to Catholic school, sex education is very odd, sex education, they don't want kids to be told about sex, they want to show them." "The Catholic Church are weird." "The only kind of contraception they seem to approve of is fucking young boys." "Granted, you're not going to get them pregnant." "One of my teachers was very sexually repressed." "He used to take it out on the kids." "One thing stuck in my head." "He was responsible for the worst phrase in my childhood." "You know sometimes something bad happens, and then someone says something and it makes it ten times worse?" "It was already bad, about 60 of us, my whole year, went swimming, big swimming regatta thing, and my friend Anthony got an erection." "That's embarrassing." "It's a bad situation." "The teacher didn't make it any better by pointing out said erection, in case anyone had missed it, and then describing it as, wait for it," ""Nature's thumbs-up."" "It is weird, the stuff you remember when you look back." "Like, I've made notes about my childhood." "I thought I'd be able to remember the stuff they taught me." "How an oxbow lake is formed, how World War One started." "The stuff they teach you at school." "I can't remember any of that." "I don't know what this says about me, but I remember with total clarity the day Matt came into school and told us all he could suck his own cock." "I remember clearly, cos he told us how he did it, he said he did it by falling backwards into the bath." "I remember at the time thinking," ""There's an accident that's gone terrifically well."" "Most people are laughing at that, just one man giving me a look as if to say," ""I might have a bath later on."" ""Mum, Dad, I'm just having a bath."" ""Why isn't the water running?" "No reason."" "It's an interesting area, I think sexual awakening, for a biography, that's always a good chapter." "My uncle actually taught me the facts of life." "I can't tell you what they are, cos it's a special secret between me and him." "Seriously, if tell you, my mum and dad will both die." "When I was about six, I was given a doll." "I don't remember the doll's name, the game was, you had to point to different places and say how many times it happened." "Did you not have that game?" "Jealous much?" "One of the things that's holding me back from writing an autobiography is the fact that if you write one, you've got to talk about your private life in a public way," "It changes the nature of celebrity, it makes you into a tabloid celebrity." "So I'll just dip my toe in the water," "I'll talk about it a bit, try and get used to it." "My girlfriend is, without a doubt, the most beautiful girl I could get." "I'll cut to the chase on this, people always ask," ""Have you ever cheated on your partner?"" "Yes, it's happened, it's nothing that I'm proud of, but, well, it was last Christmas, and I'd read all the Trivial Pursuit questions before we played." "And then I fucked her sister." "Which, if anything, made it worse." "She's forgiven me now, though." "She told me recently, she said, "I'm fine, nothing's wrong."" "Good." "It was weird, cos she was crying, so I said, "What's the problem?"" "She said, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."" "So I guess she's organising some sort of surprise party." "I thought I'd take my girlfriend to where we first met, but she said, "Don't make me go back there, Mr Jimmy!" ""I cook, I clean, I be better."" "I worry about that joke." "Is that just razy lacism?" "Oh, you razy laciest." "It's not, it's an accent, it's fine, don't cry." "I get asked, "What's the secret of comedy?"" "Graham Norton's got a wife and two kids." "Doesn't leave this room." "People ask me what I'll do if I ever run out of jokes." "Well, I could always write an episode of Two Pints Of Lager." "People seem mildly obsessed," "I always get asked, "What did you do before comedy?"" "Well, I used to work on the oil rigs off the coast of Aberdeen." "I did." "I was a male prostitute." "I knew I knew you from somewhere." "I never forget a face." "Or the back of someone's head." "I often get asked, "What's your pet hate?"" "Well, he doesn't like it if you put things in his bum." "But who can resist a cat's bumhole?" "It's like a towel holder from the '70s, they're strangely alluring." "Right, I was going to talk to you about this." "This is the question on this tour that's come up more than any other from audience members." ""What order would you do Girls Aloud in?"" "Most men in this room have given that concerted thought." "Even though we know it's never going to happen, we want to be ready just in case." "In case we ever get a knock on the door from the five girls saying," ""I want you now,"" "we wanna be able to say, "Come in, ladies, the rota's on the fridge."" "I can explain myself." "Cheryl first." "I'll tell you why Cheryl first." "I find her the most attractive, so I definitely want to get that one done." "And let's face facts, I might only have one in me." "Five is not going to happen." "Be honest, guys, five is never going to happen." "Like every man in this room, the only time I've ever wanted to have sex twice is before I've had sex once." "The ladies know what I'm talking about." "You've all been over-promised to." ""I'm gonna make love to you all night long." ""Or until I get sleepy." ""Let's see which comes first." ""I came first." ""Night-night."" "I would have the ginger one in the room at all times." "Stop me going off early." ""Oh, Cheryl, I'm just about to..." ""Ooh." ""Oh, we're back in the game."" "Has anyone got any other questions, anything else you'd like to know?" "Where'd you get the suit?" "Where do I get my suit?" "I get all my clothes from High And Mighty." "It's not to do with my size or shape, it's my attitude." "This is actually a suit for an eight-year-old giant." "I don't know why that's a giant." "It's more like a Thunderbird." "You get the idea." "Any other thoughts, questions?" "How much money are you making from this gig?" "How much money am I making from this gig?" "Well, I'll put it in terms that you'll understand, sir." "A hundred money." " Go on, sorry, what was your question?" " What age did you lose your virginity?" "What age did I lose my virginity?" "It was the 20th century." "No, I lost my virginity..." "I was 26 when I lost my virginity." "Now, I realise there'll be grandmothers in Glasgow thinking," ""Well, that cannae be right." ""Did he not have a sister?"" "No, I was 26, but I'll tell you why I was 26, because I was Christian, growing up." "I had an imaginary friend that I used to talk to." "I know it sounds mental now, but I did, so that was part of it, but partly I wanted it to be special, well, not special, but consensual." "And then I got to 26 and I thought," ""Fuck it." ""How much is a train ticket to Dundee?"" "Any other thoughts?" "What, sorry?" "What's my favourite song?" "I would say probably Sweet Caroline." "Where it began, ah-haa-ah" "I can't begin to know when" "But then I know it's growing strong" "First there was spring, ah-haa-ah" "Then spring became the summer" "Who'd have know it came..." "Sorry, I could have just gone on there." "Hands touching hands" "Reaching out" "Touching you" "Touching me" "Dun-da-da" "Sweet Caroline Ba-ba-ba" "Good times never seemed so good" "So good!" "I've been inclined Ba-ba-ba" "To believe they never would..." "There you are, that will do of that." "My favourite song." "Yeah, do some karaoke halfway through, why not?" "Well, I like that and I also like Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot." "I like big butts and I cannot lie" "You other brothers can't deny..." "I'll come back over here." "The best way to impress a woman is to compliment her, as in, "Cor, you're a fast runner, you nearly got away."" "We all know that no means no, but what does it mean when they shout, "Help"?" "It means the gag's come loose." "Two things really annoy me." "When you buy stuff and it comes in that super-hard plastic that you cannot get a start on, do you know the stuff?" "And you end up chipping a tooth and then you go and get scissors." "You'd never dream of getting the scissors first." "You think, "I'll try my teeth." ""Argh!"" "The worst is you've bought scissors and they've come in that stuff." "That annoys me." "That and genocide." "Oh!" "Back-seat drivers, they're all the same." ""Why are we going into the woods?" "Please let me go."" "I tell you what I love, love, love, love, and I bet you all love it too." "I love the snooze button." "Do you love the snooze button?" "Yes." "Cos after eight hours' sleep, I tell you what I need - a nap." "Strange but true, isn't it?" "I wake up in the morning," "I'm more tired than when I went to bed the night before." "I wake up thinking, "I'm exhausted."" "How tiring is sleep?" "I need ten minutes just to take the edge off that." "Have you got pets?" "Who's got pets?" "Yes?" "I can't have sex if the dog is looking at me." "It's those big eyes looking up as if to say, "What are you doing?"" "And that's why..." "I didn't fuck a dog." "We made love." "I'm a typical guy, I love all sports." "Pilates, hopscotch, conkers, you name it." "Any cricket fans in?" " No!" " Interesting fact about cricket." "Cricket was invented at Rugby public school when some boys were playing football and one of the boys forgot the ball, and they were all standing in a field and nothing happened." "I like the developments that have been made in cricket over the years." "Initially there was Test cricket, that takes five days of your life that you don't get back to play." "Then there was one-day cricket, a vast improvement, then Twenty20, that only takes three hours to play." "I'm looking forward to cricket One1 and ultimately cricket fucking zero where no cunt plays cricket cos it's fucking boring." "It is." "The Paralympics, that is what sport should be about." "Did you watch the Paralympics when it was on in Beijing?" "Inspirational, awe-inspiring global event, about three people saw it, it would appear." "I don't know how to describe it." "It's sort of like..." "The Paralympics, it's like a children's book where all the broken toys have a picnic." "Well, you can get off the high moral ground if you didn't even fucking watch it." "I had a favourite event, and all the events are interesting." "You're watching sports that you've seen before, you've taken part in, done in a different way by disabled people." "So you're getting a different angle on it, different rules, yeah?" "My favourite, and you've got to promise me, look this up if you think I'm making it up." "Google it when you get home and have a look on YouTube, treat yourself, it's awesome." "Paralympics, the blind football." "OK, so they get a normal..." "And I'm not talking about Stranraer." "What they do in the blind football at the Paralympics, they get a normal, standard-issue soccer ball, they put a bell in the ball and blind people play football." "Their spatial awareness is that good they can tell where the ringing is, find the ball, not only find it, kick it and score a goal." "How fucking awesome is that?" "And Team GB got silver." "Gold went to some kittens." "I don't know how they got into the stadium." "Presumably no one saw them." "And there was an unfortunate incident." "When the referee blew the whistle for the final time, someone kicked his face off." "As you'll be aware, I'm very comfortable talking about disability on stage, because disabled people are part of our community and societies, of course they are, but also disabled people are the most patronised group within society." "Everyone patronises the disabled, it's like a national pastime." "Here's a good example for you." "If you've got any building in this country with more than four storeys, there's a limit on the number of wheelchair users that can be in that building at any one time, because what if there's a fire?" "If there's a fire throw him out the fucking window." "What's he going to do, break his back again?" "What's he going to be, double paralysed?" ""Have you heard about Dave?" "He's been double paralysed." ""It's pretty bad." "He's got to go round in two wheelchairs."" "I heard about a blind guy climbing Everest." "I thought, "Well done, but what for?" ""The view?"" "Surely the great advantage of being blind is there's no need to travel." "Get a foot spa and a heat lamp, you could be fucking anywhere." "Speaking of which, I'm thinking of starting a charity sending blind kids to Disneyland." "Well, telling them." "I know it's not the same, but my dog has lost an eye and the vet reckons he's got about 30% peripheral vision in his remaining eye." "Who thinks I should get the vet to put him down?" "Nae." "No." "Canal it is." "If he'd wanted to live he would've won the fight with the badger." "A lot of men like it when the collars and cuffs match, but I wouldn't want to date a bald lady." "That took you a while to get." "Apparently, women like chocolate because it stimulates them in the same way as sex, which goes some way towards explaining the popularity of the Chunky Kit-Kat." "I've never found chocolate to be an aphrodisiac." "The only way a chocolate bar is gonna help my sexual performance is if I use it as a splint." "Or bait." "A friend that took me to one side recently, he said, "What does it mean if, on a first date," ""a girl puts a cheeky finger up your bum whilst fellating you?"" "I said, "It means there's going to be a second date."" "It has been a pleasure talking to you, Glasgow." "Firstly, thank you so much for coming out to see the show." "I really do appreciate it." "It's been lovely." "Couple of quick things just before I go." "If you've never seen a Punch and Judy show," "I don't wanna spoil it for you, but the man behind the curtain is a paedophile." "A lot of people don't think paedophiles should be allowed to live anywhere near schools, but it does reduce their carbon footprint." "Final thing, if you're scared of paedophiles, grow up." "I've been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much." "Cheers, good night, thank you." "Thanks very much, Glasgow." "I don't know if you realise, as an audience, what that noise means to performers." "That simple act of applauding, it's everything you work for as a performer." "But that noise could drive you mental." "Imagine if that happened when you left work." "You've finished a busy day doing whatever you do with your lives, you finish work and 3,000 people go, "Fucking yeah."" "You'd go a little bit, "Hm?" "Hello." "I'm very special."" "So to keep my feet on the ground, to stop myself going crazy," "I always remind myself, Glasgow, that is less applauding than any of you, individually, would give to a waiter who dropped a tray." "It's true though, isn't it?" "That is our best thing ever as a nation." "I love it when you're away on holiday, like if you're in the south of France or Spain or wherever, or Birmingham, I don't know." "But I love it, when you're away, you can tell where the British people are, because when a tray goes over we're the ones going, "You clumsy fucking cunt."" "Now obviously it's a family show." "I go out to see a lot of comedy shows and I've noticed a thing, comics tend to do their best stuff right at the end of the gig and then they leave the audience wanting more." "It sounds good, doesn't it?" "But it doesn't make any sense." "Cos you, the audience, are left wanting more and the comedian has fucked off." "That doesn't make any sense, so what I'd like to do, because I've given it some thought," "I'd like to torpedo this gig with some very unpleasant jokes that will offend and upset you all." "Yeah." "Then you can all leave thinking, "Thank fuck that's over."" "You're welcome." "Let's begin." "If women are so good at multi-tasking, is it too much to ask, tickle my balls while you work the shaft." "Half a joke, half public service announcement." "I often get asked, "Are you ever going to get married?"" "I don't think I ever will get married." "I mean, you can't get married at 16 without parental consent, and that's not going to happen." "They still think she's dead." "That's an unfortunate reaction cos that's only there to warm you up for this one." "Did you all read that story about the girl that was kidnapped and kept in squalid conditions for 18 years?" "Did you read that story?" "Was I the only one that read that story and thought, "18 years in squalid conditions?" ""Have a tidy round." ""Make your house a home, you lazy bint."" "Say what you like about the Make A Wish Foundation, they can work to a deadline." "It's only words." "Nothing bad's happened." "It's not like I've drop-kicked a kitten into an orphan's face." "Once, I did that once." "And it was fucking funny, but you sort of had to be there." "I think I've sorted out the credit crunch." "I thought you'd be pleased." "No, genuinely, I think I've sorted out the credit crunch." "You know what the problem is with the credit crunch?" "In layman's terms, OK." "The trade, the turnover, the cycle of business isn't happening in the way it was because businesses and banks and countries have gone bust, and no one trusts each other." "So how are we going to repair this and get things started again?" "Get that virtuous circle up and running?" "Tell you what we do, we build a World Trade Centre." "You're sat there with your arms crossed, thinking," ""That's gonna be a fucking big building." We're going to have two of them." "I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news." "He said, "We will never forget 9/11."" "I thought, "I should fucking hope not, it's your phone number."" "I do love doing these gigs." "I'm so glad I recorded the DVD in Glasgow, but these gigs..." "Just the fact that everyone shares a sense of humour, that's special." "Everyone appreciates as well, everyone gets it." "Everyone in this room gets the fact it's just jokes, we're messing around, trying to have a laugh together." "It's just messing, these jokes aren't who I am." "I mean, in the real world, I'm quite a generous sort of person." "I realise that makes me sound like a dick, but I'm quite a giving person." "Last year I donated a kidney." "Of course, they wanted to know where I got it from." ""I know it's still warm, keep it."" "I often get asked, someone asked earlier, favourite joke or rudest joke?" "I got asked in Liverpool last year, someone said, "Favourite pub joke?"" "So I thought I'd end by telling you my favourite pub joke." "It's quite a rude joke." "I think you all knew it was going to be fairly rude, but I'll tell you, and then I'll tell you why I'm telling it." "I got asked, "Favourite pub joke?" In Liverpool, so I said..." "I told my favourite pub joke." "What's the difference between football and rape?" "Girls don't like football." "That is a textbook response, Glasgow." "It's a laugh, followed by a "Oohh."" "The interesting thing for me is that that's not two distinct groups of people, there's not one group laughing and another group going, "Oohh."" "Those are the same people." "That joke makes you a little bit schizophrenic, cos you don't choose what you laugh at." "I'm sure many of you have been disgusted at what you've been laughing at, but you don't choose what you laugh at, it's a reflex, you just laugh." "Then another bit of you kicks in and goes, "What the fuck are you doing laughing at that?"" ""Oohh."" "So I told it in Liverpool, it got a laugh and then a "oohh"." "Then there was a pause and a woman at the back went," ""I like football."" "Imagine that being your problem with that joke." "She clearly had time to think, "Well, we all like it rough once in a while," ""he's got us there," ""but I also enjoy soccer." ""And I'm taking a stand."" "Well, as I say, it's been a pleasure performing in Glasgow." "I mean, the reason we did the DVD here is cos it's one of the best gigs of the year, I fucking love it." "Thank you so much for coming out." "Just a couple of..." " Sh-sh-sh!" "Just one quick thing before I go." "If anyone wants an autograph or to say hello after the show, or to get fingered or to have a fight..." "Whatever you would like, I'll be in that corner," "I'm more than happy to wait." "Thank you for coming out to see me, and I'll see you all again next year." "Cheers, good night." "Thank you." "I read the tabloid papers pretty much every day, and I love the tabloids," "I think they're an important part of our culture, but because of how my mind works or doesn't work, depending on your perspective," "I end up writing jokes about people that are in the papers every day." "Whoever's in the papers I'll write a joke about them." "I'll take you through my favourites." "I've done pictures to illustrate." "More accurately, my friend Chris has done some pictures." " Is Chris in by the way?" " Yes." "Hi, Chris, how are you?" "Chris is the man that did all the pictures for all of the stuff in the show." "Let's give Chris a round of applause while we think of it." "Hang on, let's get a camera..." "Chris, stand up a sec." "Take a bow, come on, take a bow." "Fucking brilliant." "And he's, erm..." "He's done..." "Chris has, you won't mind me saying?" "Chris actually has a personality disorder that makes it difficult for him to communicate with other people." "Chris is Scottish." "It's tragic, but you've really come through." "He spent all the money on heroin and shortbread." "I paid him in heroin and shortbread." "Right, let's go through some famous people jokes." "Fern Britton." "You all know Fern Britton?" "Yes." "Fern Britton had a gastric band fitted to one of her stomachs." "I say a gastric band, it was actually the fan belt from a 747." "Keira Knightley was in Heat, so I fucked her." "Madonna is 50, but she's got the body of a man half that age." "It's a funny picture, man." "What did you make of Madonna adopting those Malawian babies?" "What did you think?" "I can see why she's done it." "We've all seen the adverts in the papers for African children, they're only a pound a week to feed." "Must be weird for those two kids now, cos they're now wearing clothes they made six months ago." "Jordan's split's been all over the papers." "She should be more careful getting out of the car." "Chris!" "Chris!" "Why did you do that?" "Amy Winehouse is a terrible way for any young woman to die." "She looks like she needs a good bath, and then that bath needs a good clean." "And then that cleaner needs a day off." "She recently received a slap on the wrist, desperately trying to find a vein." "Let's face facts, Amy Winehouse is so full of drugs, if she ever has to go to prison, she'll have to be smuggled in up someone else's arse." "I would just like to say that Amy Winehouse is no longer on drugs," "I think there were rumours in the papers that she did drugs at some stage but she doesn't do them any more and really, you know, it's none of our business whether she does or not." "I'm only saying that cos I like that joke and I'd like it to make it onto the DVD." "Hello, the lawyer at Channel 4." "Don't fucking cry." "People give Susan Boyle a hard time, but I think she's a good-looking fella." "SuBo, SuBo, SuBo." "SuBo, SuBo." "What do they call her?" "The Hairy Angel?" "That sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it?" "As in, "Well, she's not a bad singer," ""but I wouldn't want to see her hairy angel."" "People give her a hard time, but she shares over 97% of her DNA with humans." "Apparently there was a break-in at her house, she found a burglar in her hallway." "First time she's ever had a man in her front passage." "Come on, everyone, it's a front-passage joke." "The Queen, our Queen..." "Hey, let's not be like that, shall we?" "You are her subjects." "The Queen, of course, has two birthdays, which goes some way towards explaining why she looks so fucking old." "Must be great for Prince Philip, every time he looks at a 20 note he thinks, "I've had that."" "His favourite sexual position is the stamp." "Takes her from behind, licks the back of her head, loves it." "Of course, the Queen has her real vagina and her official vagina for special occasions." "As do all women." "No, you're quite right, Glasgow, talking about the Queen having sex is actually a bit of a grey area." "Now, the big tabloid story the last year was the death of Michael Jackson, and for me it was very much like when Diana died." "I couldn't give a fuck." "It's not just me that thinks towards the end, he was just a pale imitation of the man he used to be." "He'd lost face." "And now he's gone, the rumour mill is in full swing." "There's a rumour that the real reason Michael Jackson died is that when he was rushed to hospital somehow he ended up in the burns unit." "And then he wound up in the children's ward." "And then he had a heart attack." "He's gone, but I like to think he's up there somewhere walking backwards on the moon." "He wore one white glove." "Part-time snooker referee." "It's quite a stupid joke." "Before his heart attack, he had a series of strokes, which ruined his career." "At the funeral, his brother Jermaine gave a touching tribute, which hardly seemed appropriate." "Michael Jackson." "R.I. Paedo." "Shall we treat ourselves to one final Michael Jackson joke?" "Yes." "Before he died, Michael Jackson picked the hymns." "He said, "I'll have him 14, him 13, him 12."" "Got that?" "Good." " How's it going?" "You all right?" " Yeah, good." "Thanks for coming to the show I appreciate it, man." " I think we got away with it." " Yeah." "It's like meeting a vicar at the end of a service, like after a wedding." " Thank you very much for coming." " Bye." " How are you two?" " Can I take a photo of you, please?" "You can take a photo of me." "Of course you can." "You can have that and when you touch yourself later, you can look at it, of course." " Seems only reasonable." " Thank you." "Thank you so much for coming." "You look very glamorous all dressed up." "Hello, what's going on here?" "Oh, I love that noise, what happened there?" " Thanks so much for coming." " She's waited a long time to come." "The hair, you ladies have got kind of the..." "You've both got very cool kind of '60s hair." "I love it." "Is it a mother and daughter?" "Do you want to have a three-way or not?" "Just say." " Not today." " Not today?" "OK, not today." "Can I get a hug?" "Of course you can have a hug, I'll give you a hug, come round this way." "OK, come round that way." "It's very nice to meet you." "Thanks for coming." "Now leave me alone." "Hello, how are you two, you all right?" " I'm fine, thanks..." " Are you?" " You're a legend." " I've had such a brilliant time!" "You've had such a lot to drink by the sounds of things." "I've been up there, it's been brilliant." "Were the screens any good up there?" "I watch 8 Out Of 10 Cats all the time and I love it." "You're so sweet." "Thank you for coming." "Next time we will be closer and we will see your body." " But I can see you now, high five." " Thank you for coming." "Cheers, sweetheart." "All right." "How are you?" "Do you have a problem with alcohol?" " No, I was thinking of her." " I'm fine." "Hello, how's it going?" "Good, thank you, how are you?" "You're very on trend with the sparkliness, everyone's very sparkly." " It's my Christmas top." " It's your Christmas top?" "Oh." " Are you coming to the after-show party?" " The after-show party, is it in your pants?" "No!" "Well..." " Oh, I see." " It's at Byblos." " What, sorry?" " Byblos in Merchant City." "It's in Byblos in Merchant City?" "I have no idea..." "Those are words, but I don't understand what they mean." "I'll be OK." "Knockback." "I'll finger you on the table, how's that?" "Right, then." "I love show business." "Thank you so much for coming." "I appreciate it, girls, thank you." "Is that your missus?" "You're punching so far above your weight, it's like a different league." "When you're in Glasgow you punch above your weight." "Have you got low self-esteem?" "What's gone wrong?" "Who are you getting back at?" " Hello." " Hello." " You all right?" " Fine." "Thanks for coming." "How do you know each other?" " She's my lesbian lover." " She's your lesbian lover?" " No, she wishes." " Huh?" " She wishes." " She wishes." "Give her a go, break her off a piece." "No." "I love the cock too much." ""I love the cock too much." Brilliant." "A lot of people wouldn't say that." "Well, it's fine though, isn't it?" "That's what I always say whenever I've met a lesbian," "I've gone, "What would it take to get you back on solids?"" "It's my standard response." " Thank you for coming." " Thank you very much." " How are you?" " Yeah, fine." "Good show." "Oh, thanks for coming." " I'm the girl from Dundee." " You're the girl from Dundee?" "I'm not into Buckie, but if you do chips I might just get up the road with you." "You call it the road cos so many men have been down it." "Thank you so much for joining in, I appreciate it, cos it kind of makes it for me when people join in a little bit." " And where are you from?" " Dundee." "You're from Dundee as well?" "Well, I'm sorry for your trouble." "Took me up the road for a bag of chips years ago, still with him, eh?" " Well, he seems nice." " They were nice chips." "You look all dressed up as well." "Thanks very much." " Jimmy, can I ask a favour?" " Yeah, go on." "The last twice you've met my niece, you've let her lick you." " I've let her lick me?" " Yes." "Last night you let here lick you and you let her lick you a year ago." "I think I know the girl, the weird thing with the face lick." " Yeah." " Yeah, fine go ahead." "Thank you very much, Jimmy." "Hey, no problem at all." "Yeah, people are weird though, right?" " How are you?" " Yeah, I'm fine." "Thanks for coming." "I appreciate it." "Cheers." " Hello." "How do you know each other?" " Friends from school." "Friends from school?" "How old are you?" " 18." " 18?" "Really?" "OK." "I don't know." "What's this new meow meow like, is it good?" " Have you tried it?" " No, I've no tried it." "You haven't?" "Come on, you fags, it's only a couple of quid." "Spent all your money on tickets to comedy shows, you should be in a park being fingered." "Thank you for coming, good luck in your studies, take care." "How are you?" "Very nice to meet you, sorry it's taken so long." " Can I ask you a question?" " Of course." "Did you actually break your virginity at 26 or was that just a joke?" " No, genuinely, I was 26." " No way." " Yeah, seriously." " You must have been a sad man." "Yeah, that's pretty sad, yeah." "It's all right, I'm living with it." "Thank you so much for coming." "Are you sisters or?" "Just good friends." " Are you?" " Met at college." "No, we're not." "We have men in our lives." "You say that." "Where are these men in your lives?" "I can't see anyone." "Very nice to meet you, thank you for coming." " Thanks, see you later." " Thank you so much." "Cheers." " Hello." " I'm the Michael Jackson fan." " Oh, are you a massive fan?" " Not massive." "I was, back then, I was a big fan." "When he started fiddling with kids..." "Nyah!" " It put you off a bit." " A little bit, yeah." "Also Earth Song can fuck off." "Thank you so much for coming though." "Thank you very much for coming." "Hi, hello." "Christ!" "Please don't hurt me." "How are you lads?" "You all right?" "Very nice to meet you, thanks for coming to the show." "Is that fashion or has the nit nurse been?" "What?" "Oh, that's got him, clearly the nits joke has found a home." "Thank you so much for coming, guys, I really appreciate it." "Take care, man, have a good one." "Nice to meet you." " You all right?" "Who's with who here?" " I'm his mother." "Well, isn't that marvellous?" "Thanks for coming to the show." " Thanks very much for coming." " A question for you." "My mum came for sex ed, she'd like to know what felching is." "Felching?" "Oh, if you fuck someone in the arse, and then you suck back the sperm from the anal canal." " There you go." " I told you not to do that." "We're a close family." "Weirdly, my mother told me what felching was." "We had a gay friend when I was growing up, we had a gay friend, and he told us kind of a thing, what felching was, so my mother explained to me what it was." "It was weird." ""Really?" "People do that?" "Jesus."" "Thank you for bringing each other." "You have the same sense of humour." "That's great." "Thank you so much." " Can I get a kiss?" " So nice to meet you." " Can I have one?" " Of course you can." "Fill your boots." "And I want one if they're all getting one." "Nice to meet you all." "Thank you so much for coming, cheers." " How are you guys?" " All right." " Thank you for coming." " 26?" "Yes, literally 26, actually a true thing." " How fucking bad's that?" " 12, mate. 12." " 12?" " Yeah." "Fucking hell." "My dad wasn't like that." "Thanks for coming and for joining in, I really appreciate it." "Take care, man, cheers." "Hello, how are you?" "You all right?" "Very nice to meet you, thank you for coming and for waiting around." "Kind of, you start queuing and go, "Shit." "Oh, well, we'll..."" " It's good you do this." " Worth it." "It's nice to say hello." "I'll tell you why I do it, I went to see Chris Rock in Hammersmith and I got to go backstage cos I play Hammersmith a lot, and I got to go backstage and literally all I said was, "Hello, Chris, how are you?"" "Literally two seconds, I went, "Hello, Chris, how are you?" "Great gig."" "That was it and it made it feel like more of a night out." " Yeah." " It's nice to say hi." "Thanks for watching it." "Hello." "Hello, ladies, are we all going to have sex?" "Come on, lets all have sex." "So, sisters?" "Yes." "I've never had like a four-way, but I bet you get..." "Has anyone ever met you and not asked, "Can we not all do?"" "No, you're the first." "Could you talk Irish, she's not Scottish?" "Talk Irish?" "I can do..." "I'm Irish." "My people are from Limerick." "I would stab you as soon as look at you." "I'm a plastic Paddy," "So I talk this way because I was educated in the home counties." "Which goes to show what you can do when you apply yourselves." " Thanks a million." " Cool." "Three of them, though, that would be cool." " Hi, how are you?" " Jimmy, how you doing?" " Really well." " That's a good, strong handshake." " I do a lot." " Kudos for the Buckfast." "Thanks very much." "Could you possibly write," ""Jimmy wants to know, Karen, will you marry Stephen?"" "What?" "Sorry, are you proposing to someone via a signature?" "OK, Karen..." "It's part of the proposal." " Where's she this evening?" " At work." "She's a police officer." "You've got to let me know how that goes." " So you're asking her to marry you?" " Yes, I am." " Wonderful." "Congratulations." " Thank you." "Good luck." "She'll say yes, she's bound to." "Thanks everyone." "That's the show done, that's the end of the DVD." "Let's go and get very drunk." "Well, thanks very much." " Hello." " Hello." "Good." "Right." "We'll move on, shall we?" "My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her." "I said, "All right, fatty."" "I was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago, I got talking to a girl in the front row." "I asked her her name, she said, "It's Pataka."" "I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."" "To which she replied," ""Actually I do."" "My girlfriend said to me, she said, "Jimmy, we're at a crossroads in our relationship," ""and down one road is hard work and commitment" ""but ultimately happiness." ""And down the other road, well, the other road is a dead end."" "And I said," ""That's not a crossroads, that's a T-junction."" "Well, I'm glad you laughed - she went crazy." "If we're all God's children... what's so special about Jesus?" "Of course, you may be wondering about my accent." "Of course, technically, I don't have an accent," "I'm from England." "This is just how things sound when they're pronounced properly." "I bought my girlfriend a book called Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking, which is ideal for her, because not only is she a vegetarian..." "They say travel broadens the mind, except with Americans, where it tends to widen the arse." "Don't get the wrong idea, I've got nothing against Americans, it's just one came up to me after a show a couple of weeks ago and said he thought I was "pay-tronising"." "I said, "Well, I think you'll find that's pronounced 'patronising'."" ""It means when you talk down to someone."" ""Don't worry, I'm not being condescending." ""I'm far too busy thinking about important things you wouldn't understand."" "Did you know, you're eight times more likely to get mugged in Montreal than you are in New York City?" "No!" "It's because you don't live in New York City." "Boxers." "Boxers don't have sex before a fight." " Do you know why that is?" " Why?" "They don't fancy each other." "The reason old men use Viagra is not because they're impotent." "It's because old women... are so very ugly." "Watching sex on telly with Mum and Dad, that's embarrassing." "I didn't even know they knew how to use the camcorder." "My girlfriend's always saying to me," ""You never tell me how much you love me."" "I don't want to upset her." "A couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually." "I know it will come as a shock." "I don't want to go into details, but suffice to say" "I arrived early." "And my girlfriend said to me, "Don't worry," ""that happens to a lot of guys."" "I said, "Well, there's two things the matter with that." ""One, who are these 'a lot of guys'," ""and, two, if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think..." ""it could be your fault?"" "When it comes to charity, a lot of people will stop at nothing." "A woman stopped me on the street the other day with a clipboard." "She said, "Could you spare a few minutes for Cancer Research?"" "I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."" "I saw one of those charity appeals in the newspaper, it read " ""Little Zuki has to walk 15 miles every day" ""just to fetch water."" "And I couldn't help thinking..." ""She should move."" "I'm going to have to go now, ladies and gentlemen, but I would like to leave you with this frightening fact, if I may." "I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year." "Now, I don't know about you good people, but I can't help feeling we're being overcharged for our groceries." "I've been Jimmy Carry." "Thank you very much indeed." "Well, I can't believe your luck." "Hello." "I'm Jimmy Carr, one of the biggest faces in comedy." "Literally, I've got one of the biggest faces." "It's like the moon." "I'm probably affecting your menstrual cycle just being this close." "I had hassle getting out tonight, had to organise a baby-sitter." "I don't have children," "I've just found they're a lot cheaper than escorts." "I saw a homeless guy getting off the bus." "I thought, "How does he know it's his stop?"" "Men are no good at stopping and asking for directions." " Would you agree with that, ladies?" " Yes!" "Well, I put my hand up to that." "We are no good at stopping and asking for directions." "Of course, on the other hand, maybe we wouldn't have to, if you could read a bloody map." "I said to my girlfriend, "You shouldn't eat before you go swimming."" "She said, "Why is that?"" "I said, "You look fat."" "Easy, easy." "I'm being misogynistic for comic effect." "I'm obviously not a misogynist." "I'm actually a very modern man." "I've got no problem buying tampons, but apparently they're not a "proper present"." ""Happy birthday, Mum!"" ""It says 'super' on the box, I don't know what you want."" "Montreal, do you know what you're meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish?" "Do you know what you're meant to do?" "Shout out." " Pee on it." " That's exactly right." "You're meant to pee on it." "I went on holiday, everyone else knew, I didn't know." "They told me, they said, "If you get stung by a jellyfish you're meant to pee on it."" "I'll tell you this much, it doesn't work as well on shark bites." "The boy's family were livid." "Apparently, once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do." "Do you know what you're meant to do if you're attacked by a bear?" " You're meant to play dead." "Do you know why you're meant to play dead?" "It's to get you used to how you're going to be in a minute." "According to a new bit of scientific research, apparently women can tell if a man wants a baby just by looking at the shape of his face." "Presumably, if it's like this... that means he doesn't want a baby." "And if it's like this... it means the conception will involve a turkey baster." "There are ten million obese children in America today." "That's a frightening fact, isn't it?" "Ten million obese children." "Do you realise, if they all jumped up and down at the same time... they might lose a little bit of weight." "It's the excuses that get me." ""It's water retention."" "It's cake retention." ""It's a thyroid problem."" "What are you taking for that?" "Pies?" ""The camera adds ten pounds."" "Stop eating bloody cameras!" "When I was at school I had a friend called Anthony." "I'm not proud of this, but it happened." "We were at a party, we were quite drunk - he was very drunk, he passed out, and myself and another friend, we shaved his eyebrows off." "He was really surprised." "But you couldn't tell." "My favourite thing about natural disasters, and I know it's wrong to have a list," "certainly getting it laminated was a mistake, but my favourite thing about natural disasters is they call them "acts of God", and then two days later they have a "day of prayer"." "So they have a day of prayer for an act of God." "How does that prayer go?" ""Dear Lord, what the hell was that all about?"" "Creationists, the hardline right-wing Christians, creationists believe every word Genesis says." "I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer." "It's 20 years since the Chernobyl disaster." "Is it just me that's surprised?" "Still no superheroes." "I recently had the sexual history conversation where my girlfriend said to me, "I'd like to know about your previous sexual history."" "And I said, "Oh, no, you wouldn't."" "She pushed me on it, she insisted, eventually I had to list everyone I'd ever been with, from the girl I lost my virginity to, right the way up to her, and that is where I should have stopped." "I've been Jimmy Carr." "Good night." "Thank you, cheers." "Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr." "Well, thank you very much." "Erm..." "When I told my mum I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said," ""You can't do both."" "I'm British, of course, and what makes Britain great is our ability to laugh at ourselves." "When I say ourselves, I mean other people." "And when I say laugh, I mean invade." "People ask me, "What were you like at school?"" "So I tell them." "I was a little black girl." "I had a great cab driver the other day in Montreal, he was driving along, he was very happy, he was whistling and smiling, in a very good mood." "He said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."" "I said, "Left here."" "I was in the airport - those treadmills they've got are huge." "They're much better than the ones in the grocery store." "I get very self-conscious." "One of my favourite things to do in the world - do you know the animal rights people you get in the street?" "You get these animal rights people and they've got a little kiosk they set up, and they've got terrible, horrible posters put up, taken in laboratories where they're doing experiments on animals." "Have you all seen those?" "They're horrible." "You're out doing your shopping and you see them on the street." "They're images of emaciated dogs in tiny cages and... and rabbits that have been shaved, with wires coming out of them, a monkey missing the top of its head but you can tell it's still alive," "they're doing some sort of neurological test, and a cat that's having stuff put in its eyes to test whether it's safe for us." "What I like to do on an afternoon if I'm bored and I'm at the shops and I'm walking down the street and I see one of those kiosks," "I walk up to it and say," ""I'll have the one of the monkey, please."" "Sex is always better in hotels." "Have you noticed that?" "Sex is always better in hotels." "Why is that?" "Is it cos it's with a hooker?" "Is that it?" "Is that it?" "Yeah, that's it." "I saw a story in the local paper about an 87-year-old woman marrying a 93-year-old man." "Is it wrong that I looked at that and thought," ""That's not gonna last."" "I worry about my grandmother." "If she's alone in the house and she falls, does she make a sound?" "What happens if you spill carpet cleaner?" "When someone recommends a book to me and they say, "It's a page-turner."" "I always think, "Yeah, I know how books work."" "I met a girl that was scared of dwarves." "So I asked her, "Are you also scared of normal people when they're far away?"" "Women like to dance with men, because women think if they dance with a man they'll be able to tell what he's like in the bedroom." "And it is a good indicator " "I tend to dance for about 30 seconds then have a bit of a cry." "I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have two women at the same time." "And she agreed." "But then she was very upset when I told her she wasn't either of them." "I was in the supermarket, it said "buy two, get one free", but I only wanted one, so I took the free one." "Have you ever looked at a bill in a restaurant where it says "service not included", and thought, "No, it wasn't, was it?"" "I'm trying to eat better, ladies and gentlemen, to lose a little bit of weight, so I'm having oatmeal every morning for breakfast." "And it's such a boring thing to eat." "I was reading the box of oatmeal, it says on the box "no added colour"." "I thought, "It's grey." ""Do they think I think they're adding extra grey?"" "I don't know if any of the other men in the room have this, but my girlfriend tells me about her day in real time." "Right, last thing from me, ladies and gentlemen." "Surely the best thing about getting a face transplant..." " Oh, yeah." "Surely the best thing about getting a face transplant would be turning up at the donor's funeral and going, "Whooooo."" "I've been Jimmy Carr." "Thank you very much indeed, cheers." "Good night." "Thank you, cheers." "Started in 1983 as a two-day comedy festival," "Just For Laughs has evolved to become the world's largest comedy producer." "In addition to touring productions and festivals in various countries, the original festival in Montreal brings in close to two million visitors to laugh and take in 800 performers in over 2,000 shows." "It's the very best of comedy in all its forms." "The Just For Laughs festival has featured some of the world's most impressive comedy talent." "The festival's prestigious alumni list includes some of the biggest names from movies, TV and comedy stages from round the world." "Just For Laughs television shows have been seen in over a hundred countries, from the ABC to BBC to HBO to CBC, as well as 85 different airlines." "More than just stand-up," "Just For Laughs has showcased all forms of comedy, including theatre, improv, special events, huge night-time parades, large-scale parties, impressive European street theatre and some shows you really can't put a label on." "The Festival's film portion, Comedia, showcases the best feature-length and short comedy films from round the world." "Everything from independent films to Hollywood blockbusters, as well as tributes to comedy film legends." "Just For Laughs' popularity reaches far and wide, as large-scale Just For Laughs tours, event productions and festivals travel to the US, Asia, Europe and across Canada at different times of the year." "For full details on Just For Laughs visit hahaha." "Com" "I would thoroughly recommend it."