"Good evening, students of the macabre." "This evening's lecture has as its text the short story "De Mortuis"" "translated from the Latin." "This means "about the dead. "" "At the risk of being facetious," "I would like to point out that Latin is a dead language." "Thank you." "It is rewarding to know that there are still a few students interested in achieving high marks." "If you can't hear me in the back of the room, please raise your hand and adjust the volume control." "Regrettably, the author wrote only his title in Latin, and did the story in English." "Writers are always compromising to attain commercial success." "I shall leave it to your judgment as to whether or not it would have sounded better in Latin." "Anybody home?" "Hey, Prof!" "Prof, fish are biting right now." "What about it?" "You in here?" "Guess he's not home." "Well, I told you." "Car's not in the garage." "Coffee's percolating." "Probably be back in a minute or two." "You wanna wait?" "Sure." "Maybe just went uptown for a couple of minutes." "Let's have a cup of coffee." "All right." "That Irene ain't much of a housekeeper, is she?" "I'll say." "Wonder where she is." "That's a good question." "You know something?" "He's gonna find out about her sometime." "Somebody's gonna tell him." "Sure." "Wonder what he'll do." "I don't know." "He's an innocent." "He'd never suspect anything." "Such a nice guy that even if he did, he probably wouldn't do anything to her." "Probably not." "Where's the sugar?" "Huh." "Look." "Well, it's just a shame he ever married that dame to start off with, you know that." "Mmm-hmm." "I wonder how come." "Well, she comes from a good family and all that." "Can't say she ain't a dish." "Nobody told him." "Well, of course, I didn't know him until after he married her." "Oh, he used to come into the bank and to my window a couple of times, at the back, but you couldn't say I knew him." "You sold him this house, didn't you?" "That's right." "Well, why didn't you tell him?" "I don't know." "I just didn't." "Thought about it a couple of times, but, well..." "You know how it is." "Yeah." "It's a funny thing." "You know a fellow's gonna get stuck in a business deal, you tell him." "But a woman..." "Well, even if we had told him," "I doubt if it'd have done much good." "How long they been married?" "Well, he came here to college two years ago..." "About a year and a half." "Well, it was last week I saw her." "No, no, it was the week before." "Anyway, school was out, and the Prof was down at Columbus for the convention." "Week and a half ago, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." "Well, I went into Benny's to get a bite to eat." "He's batting. 342, can't do any better than that." "Yeah, but wait till the series with the Giants." "They got a pitcher he can't hit." "Bring him way down." "Benny?" "Yeah." "Hi." "Oh, let me have a package of cigarettes, will you?" "Sure." "And she came in." "This truck driver came in right behind her." "I'll have to admit, he was a good-looking guy." "Let me have a beer, will you?" "Sure." "Uh, Benny, let me have a cup of coffee, will you?" "Right." "Is there anything doing in this town?" "I'm supposed to pull out of here at 4:00." "They haven't even started loading my truck yet." "Looks like I'm stuck here with nothing to do." "Well, there's a ball game on Saturday, only this ain't Saturday." "Oh, thank you." "What does a guy do in this town?" "Bet he bats. 325 for the season." "Nah." "He'll never do it." "But I wouldn't wanna bet nothing on it." "Well." "Prof never did find out about it." "Hey, Bud, sit down a minute." "Go on, sit down." "I wanna tell you one." "Must've been about four years ago." "Yeah, it was just before Marge and me got married." "Uh..." "A bunch of us were going down to Fowler's Camp on the river, see, and Irene had a date with Harry Bell." "Well, something came up, you know." "He couldn't get there." "And there she was, Irene without any date." "I'll bet that worried the wives and the other gals something." "We never had it so good, and they couldn't do enough for us." "Anyway, it was the last night there." "I woke up about 3:00 in the morning, starving." "So, I eased into the kitchen to see what I could find." "Hi." "Hi, Irene." "You hungry, too?" "No, not especially." "I'm starved." "Hmm." "Now, let's see." "What do we have in here?" "Well, there's cheese." "You want some cheese and milk?" "No, I don't think so." "I guess I'll have a sandwich." "Oh, maybe I will have a glass of milk." "Kind of a hot night, isn't it?" "Why don't we go outside and have a cigarette?" "Sure!" "Um..." "I don't have any cigarettes." "I better get some." "Uh," "I'll wait for you on the porch." "Yeah." "All right?" "Don't be long." "I won't." "Well?" "Well?" "Oh, I never went out." "I just went back to bed." "Well, I got nervous with Marge there and everything." "Let's get out of here." "He'll never show up." "Or we could leave a note for him." "That's an idea." "Prof!" "Hey, Prof!" "You down there?" "Yes." "Hey, Wally, here he is." "He's in the cellar." "He's been there all the time." "Hey, we've been waiting for you up there." "Did you hear us yell?" "No, I was busy with this work." "I just didn't hear anyone come in, sorry." "Hey, Prof." "What are you doing here?" "Oh, some water was coming up through the floor." "I thought I'd fix it, so I dug down around the place and filled it up with cement." "Water?" "There can't be any water." "This is the best subsoil around here." "It's perfect drainage." "I looked it up on the map before I sold you the place." "Water?" "Well, maybe some underground spring opened up." "I expect this will stop it, though." "I'm afraid I should've called in a professional, though." "I'll bet I'm sore tomorrow." "Well, I think I did a nice job, though, don't you?" "Very smooth and professional, wouldn't you say?" "Yep, sure is." "Spring?" "Never been one in this section before." "Well, what are you worried about?" "You sold him the place already, didn't you?" "Hey, Prof." "We came to take you fishing." "Roy Jacks was out yesterday, and he says the fish were clobbering each other trying to get to the hook first." "I better not today." "I have some things to do around here." "Oh, come along." "Irene won't mind." "Oh, it's not that." "Matter of fact, she isn't even here today." "She's gone visiting to Evanston." "Catching the 11:00 train." "To Evanston?" "What's the matter with me?" "I didn't mean Evanston." "It's Franklin." "Oh." "Friends there?" "Mrs. Slater." "She used to live next door to her when she was a kid over on Sycamore Street." "Slater?" "On Sycamore?" "Oh, yeah." "She was telling me about her last night." "Seems Mrs. Slater looked after her mother when she was in the hospital one time." "I don't remember anybody named Slater." "Not next door to Irene." "It was a good many years ago." "There was nobody next door named Slater." "Oh?" "Well, maybe this woman married again." "Maybe it was a different name then." "Maybe so." "Time to feed the animals." "Hey, now, don't step on my new cement." "Well, I guess we may as well be getting on." "Oh, you're not gonna catch any fish down here." "Say, Prof, what do you got over there?" "It's a new experiment of mine." "With rats?" "Well, it's very interesting." "What I'm trying to do is to find out if there's a relation between disposition and nutrition." "In particular, certain enzyme factors." "Now, this is my control pen, here." "They're getting a normal diet." "All the rats in the experiment are from the same strain, of course." "Well, what does Irene think about them?" "Don't they bother her?" "No, no." "Well, they did at first, but they don't anymore." "What did you find out, Prof?" "Did you get any results?" "Yes, rather spectacular, in fact." "It's very exciting." "See, what I've done is withhold or add some of these different enzyme factors." "Now, you'll notice some effect on growth, too, of course, but it's more than that." "Now, here you see a whole family." "Three generations, all living together quite happily." "No fighting, ever." "In fact, they seem to be quite fond of each other, and like living in a group." "Now, these are very timid, very retiring, non-aggressing." "They're frightened by anything, noise, light, sudden movement." "Is that a fact?" "Say, they do look scared, don't they?" "Yes." "This is the interesting cage." "They've become so ferocious that each one must be penned separately." "Even male and female will attack each other instantly." "They're completely vicious." "You mean they try to kill each other?" "Absolutely." "It's murder." "See, the rats in the smaller cages get what you might call more vitamins than those in the larger cages." "Actually, they all receive pretty much of a balanced diet." "It's the addition or lack of the enzymes that makes the difference." "You say Irene left just before we got here?" "Mmm-hmm." "We came down Main Street, we didn't see her." "Oh, I expect she took a short cut across the field." "She was walking, the car's in the shop." "That's a tough walk with a suitcase." "Oh, she just had a couple little things in a bag." "Oh, pardon me, the phone." "Can you imagine?" "The Prof!" "I can't believe it." "I know." "Me neither." "What are we gonna do?" "I don't know." "I hate to turn him in." "But murder?" "I know." "Hello?" "Swanson here, at the bank." "Yes?" "Sorry to have to bother you, but I'm afraid your account is overdrawn again." "Oh, I'm sorry." "How much is it?" "$198." "It seems Mrs. Rankin cashed a couple of checks yesterday." "I see." "Well, I'll bring the money right over to cover it." "Yes, and thank you very much." "Prof, when did you find out?" "What?" "Find out?" "About Irene?" "We should've warned you about her, Prof, before you ever married her." "I know a lot of people think Irene hasn't exactly been a perfect wife." "Then I'm pretty old for her." "I'm 51." "She's young." "She's full of life." "Skip it, Prof. Skip it." "Oh, not all people want the same things." "I'm a sort of a dry fellow." "I don't open up very easily." "And Irene..." "Well, you'd say she was sort of carefree, wouldn't you?" "Look, Prof, you don't have..." "We know, see." "You don't have to pretend anymore." "We found out." "And I wish we hadn't." "Puts us in an awful spot." "Darn right." "'Course, he was bound to find out sooner or later." "You remember what we said, right here in this room, while we were waiting for him?" "And do you realize?" "All the time he was down there..." "What are you talking about?" "We never should've let him marry her in the first place." "Somebody should have told him." "And I thought about it and I just never did it." "Well, like I said." "You know, a fellow's gonna get stuck in a business deal..." "Well, I never thought a thing like this would happen." "Well, of course not." "Who did?" "Not with him." "Hey, Prof, who was it you found out about, anyhow?" "Was it Langley or McCormack?" "Or both?" "No." "Neither of them." "Listen, Prof, the thing is, what are we gonna do?" "This puts us in an awful spot, see?" "What do we do?" "I wish we hadn't come here in the first place." "So do I." "But this business of being an accessory, that's serious!" "Yeah, but he's our friend." "We..." "Look, Prof, we like you." "We like..." "We don't want to see anything happen to you." "Well, I know we don't wanna turn you in, but murder's murder." "And there's a law." "And if we're accessories..." "What are you talking about?" "Look, Prof, what happens if somebody gets suspicious?" "What happens if they go down there and start to dig, what then, hmm?" "And you can't be sure they won't." "You can't be sure." "Are you both insane?" "What is it you're trying to say?" "Do you actually believe that I've..." "That Irene..." "That's fantastic." "It's marvelous." "That's marvelous." "It's not that we blame you." "Well, we do, but, I mean, if anybody had good reason, and you did, I'll say that." "Sure, he knows that." "We know it." "The whole town knows it." "But just try and make a jury believe it." "That's right." "And even if you did, they'd only say you should've divorced her, that's all, instead of..." "And you should have." "That's the trouble." "You shouldn't have done a thing like this." "But I didn't, I tell you!" "Come on!" "Go down in the cellar!" "Dig up the cement!" "Call the Sheriff!" "Oh, what's the use?" "What am I going to do?" "That's right, Prof." "Forget about that down there." "That's over." "The problem is, what are you gonna do?" "And what are we gonna do?" "I don't know." "It's up to you, Wally, I can't turn him in." "I just can't see a nice guy like him hang for a dame like Irene." "Neither can I." "Listen." "Maybe we aren't accessories after all." "We don't know anything." "We don't have any proof." "We don't necessarily have to have noticed anything, figured anything out." "Yeah, but that's just us." "But it don't help the Prof any, if somebody starts snooping around down there in the cellar, when Irene don't show up." "That's right." "Listen, when we came up the lane." "It was empty, wasn't it?" "Yeah!" "And anyhow, nobody knows that we went down to the cellar." "Right." "Prof." "Prof!" "We never went down the cellar." "Remember." "We came in here, we yelled for you, and then we cleared out, but we never went down in the cellar." "All you have to say is that Irene went for a walk and she never came back." "And don't give them any of that phony stuff about her visiting people in Franklin." "We can swear we saw her heading out of town with some fellow in a truck." "Everybody'll believe that." "Okay, we better clear out." "And remember, now, stick to it." "We haven't been in the cellar and you haven't seen us today." "You better get down and clean up that pile of dirt right away." "Yoo-hoo!" "Hoo!" "I'm back." "Irene, you back already?" "I'm down here!" "Can you beat it?" "I missed the train after all." "Oh?" "Did you come back across the field?" "Yes." "Wish our car was working, so you could drive me over to the junction." "Yes, too bad." "Did you meet anyone coming back?" "No." "No, not a soul." "Aren't you finished with that old job, yet?" "No, I'm going to have to take it all up again." "Come down here, I'll show it to you." "All right, just a second." "Well, what is it?" "And so, just like many a Hollywood movie star," "Irene Rankin was immortalized in concrete." "But Professor Rankin was not so fortunate." "He remarried." "His crime was later discovered and he paid the supreme penalty." "I have asked one of the actors to come out after the show, for I want to congratulate him on a splendid performance, and I'm sure you do, too." "He played the most ferocious of the rats, a characterization that was quite a departure for him." "Offstage, he's entirely different, as you can see." "He's a family man, never seen in the nightclubs." "He's just like the fellow who lives next door to you." "Thank you." "We have another story." "Oh, here it is." "But I'm afraid there isn't time enough to present it." "We'll have to do it next time." "Until then, good night."