" It's too big." " Ya think ?" "Right." "So, what do you think ?" "Should I... chop a few feet off the bottom." "Or cut a hole in the roof." "Look, you just stick to Christmas dinner and let me handle the ambiance." "Alright." "I need some egg nog." "Sounds good." "What the hell is that ?" "Ha, you were wondering." "That, my man, is a Turducken." "Turducken ?" "Is that one of those chicken-inside a duck-inside a turkey things ?" " That's the one." " It's kinda freaky looking, man." "It's kinda like... old Colonel Sanders meets Frankenstein, type thing." "Com'on men, it's frozen solid." "So ?" "So it's almost noon." "The thing won't be thawed until New Year's, man." "We run some warm water over it." "Worst case scenario," "I break out the blow torch and I fire the sucker from the inside out." "Delicious." "Alex ?" "Merry Chrismas." "What are you doing here ?" "Come on in." "So ?" "Is everything alright ?" "I had a vision." "A vision ?" "I was sitting at home and suddenly I saw it." "Clear as day." "It was me and I was spending another Christmas by myself." "Then I thought to myself, who else do you know that's probably on his own this time of year ?" "And you thought of me." "Who else might want to hide away, watch bad Kung Fu movies and drink this outrageously expensive bottle of French wine ?" "Oh my God." "Oh God." "You have plans, don't you ?" "This is so embarrassing." "No." "I don't have any plans." "I don't have any plans." "Johnny, I cannot cook an entire Christmas dinner for five people without pots and..." "Oh, my bad." "No plans ?" "Bruce Lewis, this is Alex Sinclair." "The lady psychic ?" "In the flesh." "Well, I should get back to my birds." "You are staying for dinner ?" "No, no..." "Absolutely !" "I'll set another place." "Yeah." "Sounds like you're having a party ?" "No, you know, just a few friends." "Oh." "I can't believe you're here." "You look so beautiful." "Step away from the girl." "I said step away." " It's just me or you ?" " Me." "Definitely me." "I warned you." "Now you're gonna get what you deserve." "What the hell was that ?" "I have no idea." "It's not so much Christmas that bothers me, but what it represents." "The stress and turmoil." "The anxiety-induced shopping frenzy." "God forbid we shoot for a little peace on Earth, Goodwill towards Men." "You're right." "We'd all be a lot better off if we just forgot all the commercialism and looked for a little more inner peace." "Oh" "Damn, I've got to go." "Go where ?" "Toy store." "If I don't get that Ratchet Deadlocked video game, my son's gonna be devastated." "What happen to forgetting commercialism and searching for inner peace ?" "Are you crazy ?" "We're talking about Christmas in America." "Next thing you'll be telling me there's no such thing as Santa Claus." "You mean the fictional character created by New York City merchants at the turn of the century to encourage people to buy material goods ?" "I can't hear this." "Sorry, sorry..." "I don't mean to sound cynical." "It's just that" "I experience my visions through peoples' emotions, and let's face it, around Christmas, a lot of us are feeling pretty lousy." "On that happy note." "Are you sure it's a good idea to go out there considering what we just saw ?" "You said it yourself, your visions are metaphorical." "I've been a little naughty, but not bad to catch a bullet from Santa in my chest." "You know what i mean ?" "I've got to get that game." "Okay, but I'm coming with you." "Okay..." "Why do you think Santa would be carrying a .38 revolver ?" "I don't know, maybe he's from a bad part of the North Pole." "Oh." "Whatever it means, I'm sure it's not a bad thing." "How can you be so sure ?" "Because you're here." "And that has to be a good thing." "Look, there it is." "Looks like you aren't the only one doing last-minute shopping." "Oh..." "Excuse me ?" "Is this the line to buy the new Ratchet Deadlocked game ?" "No, this is the line to see who spends the night with Angelina Jolie." "Nice." "Good luck with that one." "I guess we're waiting." "Can I have your attention ?" "The Toy Box regrets to inform you that we are completely sold out of the Ratchet Deadlocked video game." "Thank you and have a very Merry Christmas." "Oh..." "This is the third store I've tried today." "I know one more place." "But we better hurry." " Quick, give me a dollar." " What ?" "You don't want to disappoint your son, do you ?" "Excuse me !" "I'm sorry, but I think you might have dropped something." "No, I don't..." "Oh, yes." "Thank you." "You're lucky." "That's the last one in stock." "She just took my buck." "Forget it." "We need to go." "Do you know where Big Pete's is ?" "Yeah, but I thought you hated this whole last-minute shopping" "I do, but who can resist taking down a couple'a dishonest sucker moms ?" "This is the place." "I don't see them anywhere." "We better hurry." "... I'm making a list." "Everybody's on it... especially you." "Merry Christmas." "How you doing ?" "Do you have the new Ratchet Deadlocked game ?" "Sorry." "Are you sure ?" "We might have one in the back." " Let me check." " Great, thanks." "Help me !" "Help... help somebody help" "Let go, let go of me !" "It's your lucky day." "The last one." "Johnny !" "Those kids out front." "They're mugging Santa !" "Can you hold this for me ?" "No." "Store policy." "First come, first served." "...Dude." "Excuse me." "Damn." "Stay away from me !" " Help, help !" " Hey, hey !" "Sir ?" "Are you okay ?" "They took my bag !" "Okay, okay, we'll might be some help." "They stoled his bag." "I got it." "There you go." "Just take it easy." "Those little rats." "Ten years younger, I would've wipped the sidewalk with them." "I'm sure you would have." "Don't patronize me, missy." "Is that anyway for Santa to talk ?" "Santa ?" "What the hell, do you..." "Sir, what's your name ?" "I don't remember." "They got away." "Is he all right ?" "He's having a little trouble remembering things." "Sir, can you tell us your name ?" "That's one of the things he's having trouble with." "They took my bag !" "I think these fell out when they took off." "I remember who I am now." "I'm Santa !" "So, is this psychic lady Johnny's new girlfriend ?" "That's a good question J. J.." "I think it's great that he has somebody to share the holidays with." "What are we ?" "Chopped liver ?" "Besides, isn't he supposed to trim his own tree ?" "Are you kidding ?" "Trimming the tree is the best part of Christmas." " Not better than presents." " Or turkey sandwiches." " Or pumpkin pie..." " Or turkey sandwiches." "Okay, I get it." "I'll do it myself." "Taste this." "... too much salt." "Ho !" "Where the heck have you been ?" "We took a little detour." "Alex, you know Walt." " Hey, it's good to see you." " Hi." "And this is Sarah, his wife, and our son J. J.." " Hello." " Nice to meet you." "Are you Johnny's new girlfriend ?" " J. J..." " Is she ?" "Uh, well, that's kinda hard to say." "Uh, yeah, well, Alex and I... she..." "Where did he go ?" "Who ?" "Stay close to us, will you ?" "Please." "I was just checking out your chimney." "It looks like a slam dunk." "H mm-Hmm..." "Everybody this is our new friend." "We call him..." "Santa." "Are you serious ?" "Who are you ?" "Betty Crocker ?" "Do you have any, huh, egg nog ?" "Nonalcoholic." "Pass !" "If you're really Santa, where's your red suit ?" "I just wear the suit when I'm workin'." "These are my street clothes." "You don't believe me, ask me a question." "What do I want for Christmas ?" "Ummm, lets see..." "A baseball mitt, new bike." "No !" "You want..." "Ratchet Deadlocked !" "Pass the peanut butter, would you peewee ?" "After they stole his bag, I chased them into a store but they got away out the back door." "He says he can't remember anything before that." "And you brought him here because ?" "It's Christmas Eve." "What was I supposed to do with him ?" "I think he's kinda cute." "So there are no missing persons reports matching our guy's description." "You said he's got a history of violent behavior ?" "Well, in the vision, i saw him being chased by the cops." "That would do it." "I'll try and get his prints off of a glass." "If he's got a record, we should know who he is in a couple of hours." "If this old dude was in trouble with the law, do you really want him spending christmas in your house ?" "That's a good point." "Maybe if we find his bag, we'll get some more clues about who he really is." "It might be worth taking him back to the spot where we found him." "How's dinner coming ?" "The Turducken is officially thawed." "The what ?" "The..." "I'll let him explain it." "I got to check on my yams." "Turducken ?" "What the hell is turducken ?" "Does any of this seem familiar to you ?" "Yeah, this is where the three brats got away with my stuff." "Maybe if we check out the pawnshop." "Hi." "Remember me ?" "You're the guy that was chasin' those three kids." "That's right." "Listen, I was wondering, have you seen them before ?" "Maybe hanging around outside or ?" "Uh, not that I recall." "Mind if we look around for a while ?" "Okay." "I'd like it even better if you bought something." " He's lying." " I know." "Why ?" "I don't know." "Those are my puka shells !" "Sorry, pal, but you're mistaken." "I'm not your pal." "And I know my stuff when I see it." "All right, big kids, what's going on over there ?" "This shyster's tryin' to fence my puka shell necklace." "I'm telling ya, this old rummy is out of his mind." "Who are you callin' a rummy ?" "All right, break it up, break it up." "Hold on a second here." "Can I see the necklace ?" "I don't have to show you anything." "Maybe we should call the Sheriff and let him sort this out, hmm ?" "Alright, alright, hold your water." "You can look at them." "But not him." " What are you doin' here ?" " Shut up !" "You take these photos ?" "You know I did." "What's your problem ?" "I paid you to find her." "Find her." "She's in love with somebody else." "Who ?" "Me..." "How much for the shells ?" " Twenty bucks." " Ten bucks." "You should be ashamed of yourself." "If I was a few years younger," "I'd wipe that grin right off your face the hard way." "He's not kidding." "Not kidding." "So, seems like our Santa has a bit of a mean streak." "I'm beginning to think Bruce might be right." "I mean, maybe it's too dangerous letting this guy run around free." "The necklace was his." "Besides, aren't you the least bit curious about all this ?" "You know what curiosity did to the cat." "We could just touch him." "That, we could do." " Did you get anything ?" " Nothing." "You ?" "No." "Maybe it's his memory loss." "Could be." " These are real good." " Want some ?" " No." " No." "Santa, quick question..." "You think you'd recognize these kids that stole your bag, if you saw them again ?" "I guess." "Okay, let's go." "What are we looking for ?" "I told you, we're looking for the kids that stole your bag." "Oh, right." "I forgot." "I don't know if this is going to work." "What other choice do we have..." "There !" "That kid throwing rocks." "Look, you go this way, I'm going to go that way." "What do you want me to do ?" " Nothing !" " Nothing !" "I'm not an invalid, you know !" "Gotcha !" "Put me down !" "Stop squirming, or I'll give you a timeout." "Look, we just want to talk, okay ?" "Okay, look at me." "Now, you can talk to us, or you can talk to the police." "The choice is yours." "My brothers'll kill me." "Nobody's going to kill you." "Hey, that's my watch." "What are you all looking at me for ?" "He acts like he hasn't eaten in a week." "You might be right." "His name is Michael O'Leary." "The other two are his brothers." "Alex got him to tell us where they live." "So we'll go back and check it out." "I'll go with you." "Actually, Walt, I was hoping you'd babysit "Santa"." "If what I'm seeing is true, I don't think we should leave him alone with Sarah and J. J., you know ?" "No problem." "What's wrong with your watch ?" "I must have broken it when I grabbed the kid." "I loved this watch." "Where's your allspice ?" "All what ?" "It's like trying to cook with one hand tied behind my back." "Dinner is gonna be delayed." "How delayed ?" "I'll get back to you." "Keep an eye on him, too." "Yeah, right." "Somebody's here." "The brothers ?" "Somebody else." "My boys are so alone." "Help them." "Please ?" "What can I do ?" "I'm begging you." "They're in danger." "They need someone to watch over them." "Please !" "You're hurting me !" "You have to help them..." "Let go !" "What is it ?" "What did you see ?" "We have to find those boys." "We have to find them now." "Hard to believe somebody lived here." "The boys must have broken in so they'd have a warm place to sleep." "It looks like they've been burning the furniture." "What about their parents ?" "That must have been the mother I saw on the porch." "I'm afraid she's dead." "Look at this." "I don't want to do this." "You wanna eat, don't ya ?" "We do this, we got enough money to go find Dad." "Nice bikes, guys." "Don't worry." "I've got it under control." "Excellent." "Thank you." "Merry Christmas, losers !" "What do you punks want ?" "We want to sell ya something." "What ?" "This." "Where'd you get it ?" "Never mind." "You want it, or not ?" "Does it work ?" "No !" "No !" "You're gonna be okay." "You're gonna be okay." "What are we gonna do ?" "There's still time." "Here you go." "Nice bikes, guys." " I don't want to do this." " You wanna eat, don't ya ?" "We do this, we got enough money to go find Dad." "Don't worry." "I've got it under control." "Excellent." "Thank you." "Merry Christmas, losers !" "What do you punks want ?" "Freeze !" "Hands on the car !" "This belong to you, little man ?" "I never saw that before in my life !" "... yeah, right, and I'm Dirty Harry." " Hey, you must be Mitchell ?" " And Matthew ?" "You boys forget something ?" "It wasn't our gun." "We found it in the bag." "What bag ?" "It belonged to some old dude." "He looked like..." "Santa Claus." "You kids are lucky you never fired this thing." "What do you mean ?" "The barrel's been blocked." "You try to shoot live ammo out of that thing, and the whole thing would blow up in your hand." "Or what what was left of your hand." "Go !" "Go Mattie, go !" "You'll never catch my brother." "Never." "Okay, calm down." "Calm down." "We just want to help you." "Everything's going to be okay, alright ?" "You guys live all by yourselves ?" "No mom or dad ?" "Do you have the new Ratchet Deadlocked game ?" "No, but my Dad's gonna get it for me." "Cool." "You look beat." "I am." "Sarah, I'm sorry Christmas got so messed up." "But, look at this." "A female psychic, a Santa Claus with amnesia and the cast of Oliver !" "Not exactly a Norman Rockwell painting." "When I was a kid, my Mom always did Christmas." "She would start planning the day after Thanksgiving." "And by Christmas Eve, she was this puddle of tears." "I guess the expectations always exceeded the reality of it." "But you know what ?" "It was always okay, because we were all together." "Why didn't I marry you ?" "..." "Oh right, I was in a coma." "I know it's here somewhere." "He's been like this for the better part of an hour." "Any word on the older brother ?" "Nothing yet." "Where's the Iron Chef ?" "He went to the store." "Here, stir this, my arm's about to fall off." "Any news about our new friends, Walt ?" "Yes and no. "Santa's" still a John Doe." "The boys ?" "Alex was right." "Their mother died of breast cancer four months ago." "What about the father ?" "Neighbors never saw him." "So, those kids have been alone all this time ?" "Apparently." "I've got an unmarked at the house, in case the other one comes back." "Walt, do me a favor." "Give me twenty minutes, then tell your guy to pull out, use his lights and siren." "What'up, you got an idea ?" "Maybe." "Take." "Hey !" "I figured you'd come back." "Hey hey hey..." "I just want to talk." "Where are my brothers ?" "They're safe, Matthew." "Juvie ?" "No, no no..." "In my house." "Look, I know about your mother." "Hey !" "I'm really sorry." "What do you want ?" "Where's your father, Matthew ?" "I'm just trying to help you and your brothers." "Mom and dad were gonna get divorced." "One night, she woke us up and told us to stuff all our clothes into some garbage bags." "She said we were leaving, that... dad didn't want us anymore." "We didn't even get to say good-bye." "When Mom died, they were going to split us up." "So we took off." "All we have is that picture of my dad." "How about we give Santa back his bag and go have some dinner ?" "Com'on." "You ever had Turducken ?" "All is it is that you put a turk inside a big fat ass..." "Don't stand there and lie to me." "You never loved me." "Everything I did, I did for you." "If only I could believe you." "Look at me." "Look into my eyes." "Are these the eyes of someone lying to you ?" "I know I've done a lot of bad things in my life." "But not this." "Things are going to be different now." "Don't you see that ?" "I love you." "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone." "We can't go on pretending none of this has happened." "Why not ?" "Who cares what the rest of the world thinks ?" "It's just us now." "Just you and me." "... oh." "oh... my... god." "What are you, like a millionaire or something ?" "Not exactly." "Where are my... ?" " Matthew !" " We were worried about you !" "You guys know each other ?" "Come on !" "I go to show you something !" "Thank God you're back." "You have to see this..." "Oh." "Why can't we just keep on driving and never look back." "There's nothing back there for us now." "We can't run for the rest of our lives." "Why not ?" "As long as we're together." "So, he memorized an old movie." "How does that help us ?" "Look closer." "I never knew it could be like this." "But for how long ?" "For how long ?" "Okay, he memorized a really bad old movie." "Look again... at the man on screen." "It's him." "Why didn't you tell us you were an actor ?" "I didn't remember until now." "Johnny, I'd like you to meet Nigel Hughes, star of stage and screen." "I looked him up online." "That explains why we saw him doing the things he was doing." "They were movie parts." "And the stuff in the bag..." "I remember now," "I was going to be Santa and pass out some of my movie memorabilia to a retirement home around the corner." "I felt a little dizzy and then I..." "I guess I must have hit my head, because the next thing I remember I was fighting with those kids on the sidewalk." "... and cut !" "That's a print !" "Beautiful !" "Howstanding !" "Absolutly howstanding !" "I feel so foolish." "All the trouble I've caused you." "I wish there was some way I could make it up to you." "Now that you mention it." "What are we waiting for ?" "Ho, ho, ho !" "Merry Christmas !" "I was just gonna take off in my magic sleigh when I got an urgent call from the North Pole." "Apparently, there was a house I missed." "So, I tapped Randolph on the rear-end..." "Randolph ?" "Forget it, he's on a roll." "I tapped him on the rear-end and we high-tailed back at the speed of sound." " I think he's cute." " Me, too." "You two have had way too much egg nog." "Let's see we look and see what in my treasure bag." "Are the O'Leary brothers here ?" "Michael, Matthew and Mitchell !" "For us ?" "You're the O'Leary brothers, aren't you ?" "Michael..." "Matthew..." "Mitchell !" "Where did those presents come from ?" "They were J. J.'s." "When he found out the boys weren't getting any present, he said me to put their names on a few his own." "That's quite a kid we got there." "Hmm-hmm..." "Is there a J. J. Bannerman ?" "Right here !" "Merry Christmas J. J. !" "Ratchet Deadlocked !" "Exactly what I wanted." "Cool !" "Is that from you ?" "Not me." "Was it from you ?" "Well, there are some benefits to being psychic." "Did you have it the whole time, or did you get it after you got here ?" "I'll never tell." "Ho..." "Well, maybe this'll make us even." "What ?" "Go ahead, open it." "How did you find time to get this ?" "I'll never tell." "Thank you." "Dinner is served !" "At time !" "We've got it !" "Turduken !" "Leave your present." "J. J." "Do me a favor, will ya ?" "Go answer the door." "But it didn't ring..." "Cool." "This is amazing." "Who let Martha Stewart in ?" "It looks like something out of a magazine." "Gene ?" "What a nice surprise." "I thought you were having performance service tonight ?" "Well, I was going to, and then I met somebody who was looking for the O'Leary brothers." "Do you happen to know where to find them ?" "As a matter fact, I do." "Ha !" "Boys." "There's someone here I think you might like to meet." "Hello, boys." "Dad ?" "Dad ?" "We've been looking for you." "How ?" "Once we knew it was a custody battle, it wasn't hard for Walt to locate the dad." "And then, Gene offered to let us use the Faith Heritage helicopter to fly him down here." "Are you hungry, Gene ?" "Well, I wouldn't want to..." "Yeah, sit there !" "I'll set another place." "I take back every rotten thing I ever said about Christmas." "Somebody should say something before we eat." "Yeah." "Reverend ?" "It's Johnny's house, I think he should be the one to say Grace." "Well, I'm not a religious person, but I'm gonna speak through my heart." "When I was a kid, it was just me, my mom and my dad." "Then, after my dad died, well, it was just the two of us." "And we had some good times in my family." "But I always wondered what it would be like to have a big family, to have a bunch of people who cared about each other and enjoyed being together." "And I will tell you that" "All of you have made that come true for me." "I have old friends who been there for me through good times and bad." "I have a son who makes me prouder to be his father with every day that passes." "And a beautiful friend who shares a part of me that no one else could ever understand." "And of course, our guests who" "I think, really bring home the true meaning of friendship and family." "My birds !" "This isn't exactly the way I would have things planned, but looking back at it," "I wouldn't have it any other way." "In fact, I can't think of one other thing that would make this moment any better." "Hey, it's snowing !" "Except snow." "Waw.." "Where is Nigel ?" "There he is !" "What's he doin' ?" "He's playing in the snow." "He'll catch a cold outthere, that crazy old coot." "Looks like fun though." "I'm gonna join him." " Me, too." " Count me in." "Snowball fight !" "2 old coots freezing." "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the Turdu  cken !" "Where'd everybody go ?"