"Well, if we'd gotten the parts, Bill, we'd have sent you the money for sure." "Okay, I'll put you on hold, check with receiving, and see if they did come in." "O.k., just a minute." "[Theme from a man and a womanplays]" "* Sha la la la la *" "Hi." "I checked with Stan in receiving." "He says he didn't get them, and he's really ticked, too." "Oh, o.k. I'll let him know then." "Well, thank you." "Bye." "Stan?" "Nice touch, huh?" "You're getting good at this." "Good?" "This guy is going to send Stan" "A bottle of scotch to apologize." "I'll put it with the others." "[Telephone rings]" "Lanford custom cycle." "It's the bank." "Don't get upset if I have to start crying." "You mailed the loan check in, right?" "Of course." "Uh-huh." "I realize I was a couple of days late sending it in last month," "But this month I sent it in right away." "Oh, I forgot to sign it?" "That's so unlike me." "Listen, you have my permission." "It's a good check." "Go ahead and cash it." "Oh, you need the signature." "I didn't know that." "O.k., well, let me tell you," "I'll leave here right away." "I'm on my way," "And I'll be there in a couple minutes." "O.k. Thank you." "What are you going to tell them?" "How can I think about that" "When my tire blew" "And I'm stuck in a ditch on route 49?" "Coffee?" "Man, I'm exhausted." "Me, too." "I'm going to wash up." "I got to make the kid's dinner for tomorrow night." "I'd offer to help," "But it would be a shallow, insincere gesture." "Get lost, Dan." "Oh, man!" "I stayed up till 1:30 making this casserole." "How come you didn't eat it?" "Gee, mom, I guess it wasn't a casserole kind of day." "What did you eat?" "I wasn't hungry." "What about D.J.?" "Did he eat?" "Becky gave him cereal or something." "Cereal?" "If he wanted cereal," "There's plenty of cereal in the casserole." "Did he brush his teeth or take a bath?" "I don't know." "You put him to sleep?" "I didn't know I had that option." "Where have you been?" "Out for pizza with Mark." "You guys are totally useless." "This place is a pigsty." "Pick it up." "It's all Darlene's stuff." "These shoes are yours." "The socks and sweat shirt are yours." "Please." "What about these magazines?" "Oh, look." "The porch is a big mess, too." "Oh, real mature, mom." "This family is falling apart, Dan." "Tough to stop a moving train, honey." "I can't work at the shop anymore." "We've been through this." "I got too much to do" "The restaurant, the kids." "I quit." "You can't quit." "You're an owner." "O.k. Well, then I'm fired." "I can't do repair work and watch the shop." "Something has to change around here." "You guys get in here." "How'd they get so spoiled" "When we've given them absolutely nothing?" "Sit down." "We're having a family meeting." "What a bunch of crap." "Those are the minutes of our last meeting." "Now on to new business." "O.k., here's the deal" "We're having a tough time now, girls." "We're turning the corner on the bike shop," "Which means we're killing ourselves." "If you don't help, we won't make it." "All right, dad." "We're sorry we let you down." "Meeting adjourned." "Darlene, don't, because no matter how lousy your life is now, we can make it much worse." "Here's what I see" "Nothing's getting done around here" "Because nobody takes responsibility for anything, o.k.?" "So from now on," "Becky, I'm leaving you in charge." "I have a problem with that." "Tough." "I'm just supposed to do whatever she says?" "Listen to Becky like you listen to us." "Um, now I have a problem." "Well, you'll work it out." "Take care of your brother." "Make sure that he washes himself" "And does his homework." "And you make sure that he eats, too." "I'm going to weigh that little boy every night." "If he loses more than two pounds, it's your butt." "O.k." "Good." "Now, go clean something." "All right." "Good idea." "They're always crying" "We don't treat them like adults." "Now we are." "This may work." "Are you insane?" "I just put Becky in charge." "That's like putting fredo in charge of the CorLeone family." "They may surprise us." "Oh, come on, Dan." "The family's doomed unless I get out of that shop." "Once we sell a few bikes, maybe we can replace you." "If I sell a bike, I can get out of there?" "That's one way to look at it." "I thought of us as more of a team." "You and me against the world, husband and wife." "Partners." "Any bike, right?" "I know Duke has a bike, but you don't." "I don't need a bike." "I ride behind Duke." "That's how it'll be the rest of your life?" "You'll ride behind him?" "Not on his side, not equal to him," "But like behind him?" "You have permission to smack her." "You ever think of getting a motorcycle?" "Roseanne, name me one guy" "That hasn't pictured himself on a big chopper" "Going down a country road with the wind in his hair." "We've got some really great" "The answer is me." "I'm the guy." "All I'm asking" "Is for one person to buy one lousy motorcycle." "Is that too much to ask?" "Roseanne, what is your problem?" "I have all of your PMS days circled on my calendar." "This is not one of them." "Oh, I'm just really stressed out, Leon." "Oh, I understand." "You need a little distraction." "Have you ever considered waitressing?" "All right." "You're right." "Oh, look." "There's Jackie." "Hold this, would you?" "Jackie, you look great." "I love the dress." "Your hair is great." "I don't like this job." "What's the matter with it?" "Like to sample our new fragrance?" "That's all I do all day long." "Like to sample our new fragrance?" "God, I'm annoying." "Jackie, you begged me to pull some strings" "And get you that job." "But I thought, make-up department," "I'd do make-overs, like a cosmetician." "You've got to work your way up." "Do you know how many squirt girls have to die before I make cosmetician?" "Fine, jackie." "Try my life." "work at the bike shop for no money, then come to this dump" "And work for Preppie the clown here." "Oh, that reminds me." "I need friday off, o.k.?" "I don't know, Roseanne." "Where can I find somebody to stand in my restaurant" "And do nothing on such short notice?" "See what I have to put up with?" "Now this bike isn't for everybody." "This is a real outlaw bike." "It's like the beast master." "And this is called our commuter special." "See this seat right here?" "It's really cool." "Because there's nothing for her to hold onto." "She's got to wrap herself around you real good" "Or splat." "And the baby fits real snug" "Right here in the safety seat." "Oh, so your name's Murray, huh?" "That's really a coincidence," "Because you know Evel Knievel?" "His real first name is Murray." "Yeah." "Murray Knievel." "It's loud, and it's mean." "It screams get out of my damn way." "Not a single dolphin was harmed to make this motorcycle." "We're open till 10:00." "We're here till 11:00." "Every night till midnight." "We never close." "We never close." "Never close." "Never close." "Oh, this is disgusting." "If you don't like it, don't eat it." "I don't know what the hell it is." "It's spaghetti with 1000 island dressing." "God, that is so gross." "After doing the laundry and vacuuming," "There wasn't time to plan an exciting menu." "I ran around all day picking D.J. up from school, taking him to get shoes, going to the supermarket" "And when I get home, I expect a decent meal." "Don't they make a lovely couple?" "Remember when we were first married?" "We had bread and mayonnaise for dinner." "Why don't you make that anymore?" "I say we run for it." "Mother!" "You will not believe what Darlene just made for dinner." "Hey, D.J. loves it." "D.j. eats hair." "I'm telling you, you better make something edible for dinner tomorrow night." "Or you'll spank me?" "This goes on all day." "Total disrespect." "I won't be referee." "Your dad and me are working 15-hour days." "Run the house without us." "But you're home now." "No, we're not." "Dan, I tried everything today to sell a bike." "I lied." "I pushed." "I nagged." "Well, you went with your strengths, dear." "How come none of it worked?" "I didn't have any more luck than you did." "Mother, I've had it." "Darlene refuses to do the dishes, and it's her turn." "I cooked." "Is that not enough?" "What should I do about her?" "Becky, I told you you're in charge." "I'm just going to leave the dishes where they are," "And tomorrow they'll be covered with dried crud." "Fine." "Tomorrow night it's leftovers." "You know, Dan, these biker magazines" "Ain't nothing but a bunch of naked ladies sitting up on motorcycles." "That is so degrading to women." "You know, every one of these girls has a mother out there somewhere who's dying of shame." "Oh, wait." "I'm wrong." "Here's a naked girl and her naked mother in the sidecar." "[Bell rings]" "Customer." "Oh, it's just you." "Well, it's just you, too." "I'm sorry." "What are you doing here?" "I had a bad day." "I need to whine." "What happened?" "I sprayed perfume on some woman, and she kicked me." "Maybe she didn't want to get sprayed." "No one wants to be sprayed," "But damn it, I had a quota." "Hey." "Hi, Dan." "What smells?" "Remember, I told you, honey." "Jackie's the perfume sniper at the mall." "Oh, right." "Right." "[Bell rings]" "Hey, how you doing?" "Ok." "Anything I can help you with?" "I'm, uh, just looking." "I pass this place daily, thought I'd check it out." "You ride?" "I always wanted to." "Well, what are you waiting for?" "My wife would never let me." "I understand." "Feel free to look around." "Thanks." "His wife's a big boogey." "I ride." "Bring your wife by," "And I'll giver her a pep talk." "I don't think so." "We just got a divorce." "Oh, sorry to hear that." "That's too bad." "It happens." "Uh, well, thanks." "I bet it would bug your wife" "To see you on one of these now." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "You end up with a bike you wanted," "And what does she end up with, the kids?" "It would definitely kill her." "Definitely." "You got him." "So, uh, what's your name?" "Uh, Art." "Hi, Art." "I'm Roseanne, and this is Jackie." "Hi, Art." "What do you do for a living?" "No, wait." "Let us guess." "Jackie, what do you think art does?" "Oh, I couldn't..." "Test pilot?" "S.W.A.T. Team?" "Thank you, uh, but I'm an accountant." "No way." "Impossible." "Why don't you get up on this bike?" "Let's see what you look like on there." "Art." "Oh." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "You know something, Art?" "What?" "Oh, never mind." "I'm married." "Let me tell you something about this bike." "Not only does it deliver 900cc of raw power," "But I mean, it's roomy." "Oh, she's right there." "Art, she is right." "Look at that." "Plenty of room." "Come on, guys." "You'd say just about anything," "So I'll buy a bike." "Wait a minute, Art." "I sell three, four of these every day." "I got no reason to lie to you." "I'm just telling you." "This bike looks like it was made for you." "You know what I mean?" "Picture it." "You're going to work." "You pull into that parking lot." "You're surrounded by accountant-type cars." "And you show up riding one of these things." "The engine's roaring, the tires are squealing," "And your loins are vibrating like a tuning fork." "Uh, you're very good." "Uh, listen, I'm having a great time," "And I don't really want you to stop," "But, uh, I..." "I still don't know if it's right for me." "Well, your choice." "So, think your wife's dating anybody, Art?" "No way Jackie gets the commission, I sold the bike." "You did use her as bait." "You smelled her." "What would you use her as?" "Spread out." "Let me see it again." "This here's my favorite check in the whole world." "It's such a rush, isn't it?" "I remember first finding that bike." "It was a rusted out piece of junk." "I took it to the shop, pounded out the dents," "I rechromed it, I repainted it." "Boring." "Get to the part where I smoked the guy" "Into buying it." "You were beautiful." "Stop it." "How's everything going around here?" "Mr. Mom decided I get to stay home and sit for D.J." "While she goes out with Mark, the cold sore king." "At least you're working it out." "Darlene, do you know where my car keys are?" "Why, yes, my fuhrer." "Where?" "In a safe place." "Oh, as safe as where your science paper now is?" "Becky, that's due tomorrow." "Oh." "It's not even mine." "Oh." "We have to talk." "We definitely do, Darlene." "Upstairs." "Fine." "You'll note they did not bring the problem to me." "Yes." "Everything's going according to plan." "So, dear, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Don't mind as I do." "Hey, how's it going, champ?" "Your sisters make sure you took a bath?" "No." "They didn't." "Did they?" "Well, it's too late to take one tonight," "So go ahead and go on up to bed, honey." "Night, D.J." "Night, deej." "D.j., we say good night, you say good night." "Are you mad at us?" "How come you're not talking?" "I haven't said anything in two days, and nobody's cared." "That's not possible." "Uh-huh." "The last thing I said was cheerios." "Deej, we've been real busy." "Daddy and me are working hard" "To start this new business." "I guess we didn't notice." "We've been thinking about you the whole time." "O.k.?" "O.k." "Hold on, D.J." "Forget everything I just said." "We're so sorry, honey." "Yeah, we're really sorry." "You go up and brush your teeth and get in bed," "And me and daddy will read you a story." "Any story?" "Even a long one?" "Even one we already read 100 times." "O.k." "O.k. We'll be up in a minute." "Ouch." "I really screwed up," "But I'll be home a lot more now." "Yeah." "He can hang out with me at the shop." "Yeah." "He'll like that." "You still want any coffee?" "No." "I'm too beat." "Yeah." "Let's go to bed." "Oh, my god." "I can't believe we forgot about him again." "He better learn how to bitch and moan like his sisters," "Or he won't make it in this family." "Come here." "How come you're not at the mall?" "I'm on a break." "You came all the way down here, that's some long break." "In 10 minutes it will be a whole day." "I'm just not cut out for that squirt business." "Look at these magazines." "I just buy them for pictures of the naked women." "[Telephone rings]" "Jacks, can you..." "I can get that." "[Ring]" "Lanford custom cycle." "No, she's not" "She's not in right now, mom." "Yeah." "Hi, it's me." "Oh, I'm o.k. How are you doing?" "Oh, my god." "No, I'm not seeing anybody else yet." "Listen, hey, mom," "The other line is ringing," "So I'm just going to put you on hold for one second." "O.k. Hang on." "[Music plays]" "* Sha la la la la *" "* La la la la la *" "* La la la *" "* La... **" "Oh, my, oh, well..." "Let's vogue." "Oh, yeah."