"♪ Thank you for being a friend" "♪ Traveled down the road and back again" "♪ Your heart is true" "♪ You're a pal and a confidante" "♪ And if you threw a party" "♪ Invited everyone you knew" "♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me" "♪ And the card attached would say" "♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪" "I didn't know you were good at making malts." "Good?" "I'm an expert." "Didn't I tell you I worked in a malt shop when I was in high school?" "Soda jerk?" "No, thanks." "I'll have a malted." "Oh, thanks." "Aren't you gonna have one, Dorothy?" "Oh, no." "After you've worked in a malt shop, the greatest pleasure you can get is slurping up what's left in the blender." "(slurps)" "Yum. (slurps)" "Is it any wonder I never breast-fed her?" "What are you doing out?" "I thought you were in your room." "I whittled a gun out of a bar of soap and overpowered the guards." "I went to the mini-mall." "They opened a Little Slice of Sicily pizzeria." "So I walk in, and this guy strikes up a conversation with me." "Turns out he owns the chain and wants me to be in a commercial." "Sophia, that's amazing!" "I'll say." "It's rare you find anybody in a mini-mall who even speaks English." "OK." "OK, Ma." "Where are you going to shoot this commercial?" "Well, we discussed many exotic locations, and we settled on..." "right here." "Oh, now hold on." "I don't want a TV crew coming in here, messing up my kitchen, setting up all that video equipment." "How about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche?" "The equipment's already set up." "Blanche, I don't think you're gonna have to worry." "It's not gonna happen." "Has anybody seen a small bottle of pills?" "Brown bottle, Patton's pharmacy label, your name on the prescription?" "Yeah." "Never saw it." "Ma." "All right." "Yesterday, I was looking for the oregano and accidentally knocked them into the sink." "I forgot all about it." "Great." "Now I won't be able to refill the prescription till tomorrow." "Tomorrow's a holiday." "Pharmacy's closed." "Maybe I have another bottle in my room." "I can't understand how you could forget to tell Rose about that accident." "Forgive me, my memory's not as good as it used to be." "Nothing on me is as good as it used to be." "Once upon a time, I had a butt you could bounce a quarter on." "Now you could lose a Krugerrand in the creases." "Hello." "Oh, I'm sorry, I hope I'm not interrupting anything." "Dorothy, meet my director Sy Ferber." "Sy, my daughter Dorothy." "Daughter?" "You're kidding." "Sy, I assure you, I won't be flattered if you say you thought she was my sister." "No, no." "I just had an idea." "Little Slice of Sicily is a family restaurant, and a mother-daughter commercial would be great." "How'd you like to be in it?" "I don't know." "I'd have to check my schedule." "You see, I'm a substitute teacher." "Please!" "So someone else sets up the driver's-ed cones." "All right, Ma." "Actually, Sy, I'd be delighted to do it." "Beautiful!" "Guess what." "I'm going to be in that commercial with Ma." "Dorothy, I told you I don't want a bunch of strangers traipsing through my kitchen." "We'll pay you $1,000 a day." "Allow me to give you the grand tour." "Oh, no, don't come in here." "Everyone out!" "What's wrong, Rose?" "The slightest noise, and my humpaflagel cake will fall." "Oh, why, why, why?" "Rose!" "Honey, calm down." "You could make another cake." "Look, we're gonna set it up over here." "Dorothy, I'll put you here." "Sophia, I want you..." "Excuse me, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." "I'm very upset." "Rose!" "This man is paying me $1,000 a day to make a commercial in my kitchen." "I live here." "I've every right to use this kitchen." "Miss, this'll only take a second." "It'll only take a second to knock you on your keister, buddy." "What's it gonna be?" "Look, if I wanted this kind of abuse," "I'd be directing The Roseanne Barr Show." "Oh, but, Sy..." "Look, the commercial is off." "Just forget it." "Well!" "Rose, now look what you did!" "I didn't do anything wrong." "Rose, why are you acting like this?" "I don't know what the hell you're talking about." "Get off my damn back!" "Dorothy, what time is it?" "Uh, 9:30." "Why do you ask?" "Phyllis Gluckman is giving me a ride to my acting lesson." "If I'm gonna be in a commercial, I wanna be good." "What are you talking about?" "The commercial is off." "No, it isn't." "I got the director to change his mind." "He's coming back here to shoot the commercial?" "No, he doesn't want to get anywhere near Rose." "He's gonna shoot it at his studio." "But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothing to show for it." "Welcome to show business." "(car horn honks)" "Well, goodbye." "Hi, Sophia." "Later." "Hi, girls." "Oh, loved meeting your director friend yesterday." "Rose, are you all right?" "Never better." "Why do you ask?" "Maybe because yesterday you acted like a crazy person?" "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry." "I was a little on edge." "Don't worry, it won't happen again." "Rose, what are those pills for?" "The doctor prescribed them when I wrenched my back." "I didn't know you'd hurt your back." "It's an old farm injury from St. Olaf." "I'll never forget when it happened." "It was time to plant the crops, but after 17 years of pulling the plow, poor old Bessie was worn out." "Why didn't you just get another mule?" "Bessie wasn't a mule." "She was a big fat lady who pulled farm plows for a living." "For God's sake!" "What about tractors?" "Come on, Blanche." "If she was too old to pull a plow, how could she ever pull a tractor?" "Anyway, we had to till the soil, so I volunteered to pull the plow, and I hurt my back." "How long have you been taking these pills?" "I guess around 30 years." "30 years?" "Rose, I doubt that your doctor wanted you to take those things for 30 years." "What makes you such a medical expert?" "The doctor prescribed those pills, and I only take them when I need them." "Have you ever considered the possibility that you might be dependent on them?" "Are you calling me an addict?" "I really resent that." "You think I can't do without those?" "Here, you take 'em." "Oh, come on, Rose!" "No, I insist." "Obviously you don't believe me." "This is the best way to prove it." "(object breaking)" "Rose, what the hell are you doing?" "Oh, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to rearrange the kitchen cabinets." "I'm sorry I woke you." "Go on back to bed." "Rose, what are you doing with these?" "Nothing." "You were looking for those pills." "Blanche, get rid of them." "You can't do that." "They're mine." "Get rid of them." "I thought you said you could take these or leave 'em." "That's true, and right now, I wanna take them." "Rose, you can't stop taking these pills." "You have a problem." "I can stop!" "And I'll start stopping tomorrow." "Oh, boy, will you be proud of me." "You just wait." "Only I can't stop tonight." "Why not?" "Because..." "Because." "Because tonight is the anniversary of the death of my beloved cat Fluffy." "You have never had cats." "You're allergic." "OK, it's the anniversary of the death of my beloved brother Fluffy." "You're gonna have to do better than that." "Aw, give her some credit." "The woman has never told a lie in her life." "Nobody does it great the first time." "Look, the truth is..." "I can't stop tonight because I'm afraid." "I don't know if I can." "That's because you're hooked on these, Rose." "But, honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem." "Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?" "Rose, let us call a rehabilitation center for you." "No, I don't need one of those places." "I can't go to one of those places." "I'd be too ashamed, too embarrassed." "What is there to be ashamed of?" "You have a medical problem." "Was Betty Ford embarrassed?" "Was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?" "She should have been." "Did you see Arthur 2?" "Rose..." "you have to do this." "No, I can stop by myself." "I can quit cold turkey." "Cold turkey?" "After 30 years, doing it alone without professional help could be dangerous." "I won't be alone." "I'll be with you." "If you'll just see me through the night, I know I can lick this." "Come on, what do you say, girls?" "Are you in this with me?" "You bet we are, honey." "This is what friendship is all about." "Banding together when the going gets tough." "Sacrificing sleep and personal comfort." "Putting someone else's need ahead of your own." "It's beautiful." "Let me know how it turns out in the morning." "Think this is gonna work?" "I don't know." "We should just go along with whatever she wants to do." "The important thing is to keep Rose's mind occupied." "Hey, give me some lipstick." "I'll draw a face on my hand." "What are you doing up?" "I've got an hour till my paper route starts, so I thought I'd do some chin-ups." "I was worried about Rose." "I'm a member of this family, too." "I'm sorry." "Ma, that's really very sweet, considering we have to get up so darn early tomorrow for that commercial." "I said she was family." "I'd do anything for that girl." "Well, is everybody ready for a spirited game of Googenspritzer?" "Googenspritzer?" "You said we were gonna play Monopoly." "I said it was like Monopoly, only instead of Atlantic City, they use St. Olaf geography." "Well, I'll be the bank." "Oh, good." "There's the cashbox." "Honey, this is empty." "Oh, I know." "The St. Olaf Bank was one of the first savings and loans to go under." "Bad management?" "Bad contractor." "They built the bank on marshland, and it sank." "All that was left were a few deposit slips and a pen with a chain attached to it, floating in the muck." "Amazing." "My story?" "No." "My patience at this hour!" "Can we get on with this?" "OK, I'll go first." "(both) Four." "Oh, it says, "Pick a card."" "How odd." "I can either buy the library or the phone booth in the center of town." "I'll buy the library." "If I were you, I'd buy the phone booth." "Why?" "People use the phone booth." "It's my turn." "Oh, six." "Ha-ha!" "What luck!" "I own Logenbeuton Avenue!" "Ha-ha." "Game's over, I win." "You win?" "Rose, how?" "You bought one street in St. Olaf." "I bought the only street in St. Olaf." "That means I'm gonna tear down your phone booth." "This is the stupidest game!" "I could just..." "Dorothy, Dorothy." "I could just play all night." "Set it up again, Rose." "Rose, how about a piece of Bundt cake?" "Oh, no, thanks." "I'll try some, Dorothy." ""Try some."" "Right, like it's some big experiment, like you got no idea what it tastes like." "Like you don't shovel it in by the pound every chance you get." "Ma!" "Girls, I really don't feel very good." "I gave this a shot, but I can't make it." "Rose, yes, you can." "No, I can't." "I can't, Dorothy!" "It's too hard." "I wish you'd all stop acting like you know what I'm going through because you don't." "You don't have any idea." "Well, I might not have any idea what it's like to feel the kind of dependency you do, but there was a time in my life when I tried quitting' something." "Blanche, you don't mean...?" "Sex, Dorothy." "I tried quitting' sex." "Obviously you fell off the wagon." "And onto a naval base." "It was just after I'd lost George, and it just seemed an appropriate thing to do." "Of course it did." "Your husband had just died." "So what?" "I hadn't." "The point is, I was still feeling a little vulnerable, and I was afraid if I got intimate with somebody too quickly," "I might end up getting hurt, so I just gave it up, cold turkey." "And it worked for you, Blanche?" "Well, not entirely." "Barely a month had gone by before I started feeling those awful stirrings and urgings." "I was like a spring-bloomin' peach bud just ripened to dewy fruition, waitin' to be plucked by the first handsome man to come my way." "You were looking for some nooky." "Exactly." "Then came the moment of truth." "There was a man, he asked me to sleep with him." "I said no." "But I knew something greater than my will power was necessary for me to resist him, so I called my sister." "Did she talk you through it?" "Oh, better than that." "She drove straight over, took him by the throat, said if he ever tried that again, she'd shoot him through the head." "Just because he made a pass at you?" "Oh, did I forget to mention that the man was my sister's husband?" "I'm going to bed." "Ma, you can't." "Yes, she can." "We're not proving anything by sitting here any longer." "We might as well all go." "I can't believe I'm hearing this." "Does this mean you're giving up when you've gotten this far?" "No, it means I can see the sun coming up over the Donaldsons' house." "It's morning." "We made it!" "She's right." "Oh, that's wonderful!" "Oh, congratula " "I'll bet you feel better already." "Oh, I really do and mostly because you guys were there for me." "I'll never be able to repay you." "Think nothing of it." "We were glad to help." "Oh, I'm glad to hear you say that because if I can't sleep tonight, we might have to do it all over." "So, when I say, "action,"" "you pick up the pizza, taste it and say," ""Mmm, that's a mighty tasty pizza."" "Is everybody ready?" "Yeah... uh, one thing." "Do I look at my mother or at the camera?" "Look at the camera, and here's a little tip." "Look at it like you're making love to it." "It might help if you give her a reference she's more familiar with." "OK, this is a rehearsal." "We're gonna run through it once, and then we'll do it for real." "And... go!" "Guess what, Ma." "I found you some real good pizza like you used to get in Sicily." "Boy, do you stink." "Dorothy, Dorothy, relax." "Just try and be yourself." "You can do this." "I'm sorry." "I'll get it this time." "All right, here we go." "Everyone settle." "And... go!" "Guess what, Ma." "I've found some real Sicil..." "No, that's not it." "What is the line?" ""Ma, I found some real good pizza, just like you used to get back in Sicily."" "Ah." "Sy, now I know what the trouble is." "There's something wrong with the line." "That's why I can't say it." "Something wrong with the line?" "I'm an English teacher." "I should know." "The reason I can't say it is because the line itself is not grammatical." "See, it should be..." ""really good pizza," not "real good."" ""Perfect pizza with pizazz." Even better." "Hey, I can act and write!" "Gee, I love this business!" "You don't mind if I make the change, do you?" "No, not at all." "In fact, I think I want to make a change, too." "(Sy) OK, Dorothy, let's see ya smile!" "This one's for the camera." "And... action!" "Look, Grandma, I've found you a real good pizza, just like you used to get in Sicily." "Mmm... that's a mighty..." "That's a mighty lousy pizza!" "Ma, you never tasted it before?" "No, and I never will again." "What the hell are you doing?" "Sorry, Sy." "You can't pay me enough to endorse that slime on a shingle." "Ma, this is a nationwide commercial." "There is a lot of money involved here." "Sorry." "There are two things a Sicilian won't do - lie about pizza and file a tax return." "Forget it, Sy." "Rose, spit it out!" "But, Dorothy..." "Right now, Rose!" "This is Fred Flintstone." "His nose is dissolved, but it's definitely Fred Flintstone." "They're my vitamins." "I'm sorry I didn't trust you." "Don't apologize." "But I misjudged you, Rose." "No, you didn't." "Here are my pills." "I took one last night." "But, Rose, you got through an entire night without them." "I thought you had it beat." "So did I!" "Dorothy, when you were staying up with me, I felt like I was safe, that I could rely on your strength to get me through it." "But, Dorothy, you're not enough." "These are even stronger than you are." "Honey, let me call a recovery center." "No, Dorothy." "Listen, this is not just gonna go away, Rose." "I know." "But I think the first step is for me to make that call." "Any sign of Rose?" "Not yet." "You know, Dorothy, I'm a little nervous." "Rose was on those pills for 30 years." "If one month in the hospital has helped her kick the habit, she may not be the same Rose we know." "She may be an entirely different person." "I know because it happened to me once." "Before my mama sent me off to beauty camp," "I was a pencil-thin, flat-chested, four-eyed nerd." "I don't believe it." "You pencil-thin?" "Hi, girls." "Oh, my gosh, have we missed you!" "Oh, Rose!" "You look wonderful!" "Gimme a big hug!" "I'm so happy to see you!" "Oh, sweetheart!" "Oh, Rose!" "It just must feel wonderful being' cured!" "Oh, I'm not cured." "What do you mean?" "I'll never be cured, but I know now I can live without drugs my whole life, one day at a time." "I'm just glad you got that monkey off your back." "I never had a monkey on my back, Sophia." "Although, when I was a child, I had a chicken named Gordon." "Oh, and what a great chicken!" "And he was a great singer, too." "Gordon could cluck the scores of all the big Broadway musicals." "I've heard a lot of poultry do show tunes, but nobody could hold a candle to him." "Of course, no chicken likes to be that near an open flame." "Same old Rose." "Same old Rose." "Oh, anyway, he was a great entertainer." "We thought for a while he was a great dancer, too, till we discovered he had two left wings." "He'd just shuffle along there." "Oh, how he loved music, especially Gilbert and Sullivan." "Oh..."