""Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience." "Carrie, calm down." "Take a deep breath." "Look, okay." "You're the bride." "No, you're not overreacting at all." "She is totally cray-cray." "Okay, look." "We're just gonna ask your sister to wear a bigger corsage." "That will cover the bleeding-skull tattoo on her chest." "Okay?" "Everything's gonna go exactly as we planned it." "Okay?" "Okay." "All right." "Bye-bye." " (Phone beeps)" " Wow." " Cuckoo." " Why is she overreacting so much?" "I thought everything was all arranged." "Yes, by me." "Carrie didn't know a thing about planning a wedding, so I gave her all my best ideas:" "The flowers, the cake, the caterer..." "Even the venue." "It's my favorite location in all of Toledo." "Discount Wine Barn?" "No, that parking's horrible." "The pavilion by the pond at the arboretum." "Ooh, maybe some day you and Joe can get married there." "Ohh, maybe." "Anyhow, it's always booked way way way in advance." "I don't even know exactly how far, but like 23 months and nine days." "Hello, beautiful ladies." " Hi." " Oh hey, good." "You're here." " Sign this." " What is it?" " Just sign it." " I don't sign anything when I don't know what I'm signing." "I learned that the hard, lose-everything- you-own way." "Fine, I'll just sign it for you." ""Love, Mel and Joe."" "I cannot believe you just forged my signature." "It's not that hard to do." "Yes, it is, actually." "Because his "G" is so big that it barely fits on the check." " Hey!" " Yours is super easy, aunt Mel." "It's just "M"..." "Had lots of wine." "Hey!" "She's pretty much dead on." "(Theme music playing)" "♪ I guess you're ♪" "♪ stuck with me. ♪" "So let me guess, even though I have no idea who this Carrie and Lou are," "I am thrilled to be going to their wedding." "Yep, at the arboretum on the 23rd." "Oh, it's exactly the kind of place I'd want to get married." "You know, if I ever were to get married." "Really, you, married?" "I mean, who'd marry you?" "Mmm." "I know." "Some sucker." "Whoever that lucky sucker is, you really think it's smart to be spending all that money on a big wedding like that?" "20 caterers, a 12' high cake, a bunch of bridesmaids running around in dorky sherbet-colored dresses." "You mean like when you got married the first time?" "Exactly!" "Yes yes." "I spent a fortune on that thing and it didn't take." "That's why I think the smart thing to do is take all that money and put it into municipal bonds." "Joe, every woman wants a big lavish ceremony at a beautiful place like the arboretum." "That's why it's booked two years in advance." "Oh, and by the way, the reason you need bridesmaid in ugly sherbet-colored dresses is so that the bride looks like a goddess." "Nah nah, look." "The minute you find the right person, you go straight down to city hall and just get it over with." "Oh, what every little girl dreams of hearing." ""Darling, I love you." "Let's get it over with."" "Oh hey, I just texted you, why didn't you reply?" "My phone fell in the toilet again." "You know, maybe it's not absolutely necessary that you play Temple Run while you're peeing." "Oh, like it's just so easy to stop." "Anyway, I can't get a new phone until I get a job to pay for it, and all the places I applied to rejected me." "Hot Diggity Dog, The Brat House," "Weiner-Lover." "I've driven by that last place." "They don't sell hot dogs." "It doesn't matter anyway, because all the places I applied to want job experience." "How are you supposed to get job experience if nobody will hire you?" "You write a resume." "Oh, you know what?" "We can write one right now." "Okay, and we're done because I haven't had any jobs." "Okay, so make some up." "Really?" "Just make them up?" " Like, lie?" " Yep, go." "Well, I once trained monkeys for NASA." "Yeah, I don't see you outranking monkeys." "Try something semi-believable." "Um, for real, I cut Mrs. Henderson's lawn." "There you go. "Head groundskeeper," "Henderson Estate."" "Mrs. Henderson hated me though." "I kind of mowed her kid's bunny." "Just the tail." "Those grow back, right?" "Okay." "So she won't be a reference." "But the good news is there's no way for your prospective employers to know if they're talking to your actual former boss, so really you just need to get a friend to answer the phone and say positive things." "I could ask my buddy Jason." "Um, can I borrow your phone?" "No way." "I don't want mine to end up in the toilet." " Use the landline." " The what?" "That." "The landline." "Oh yeah, that." "Okay." "Call Jason." "I'm kidding." "But bunnies tails do grow back, right?" "(Gunshots)" "Hey, Carrie." "When you gave me the address, I thought we were meeting at a new coffee shop or something." "But, you know, this is great too." "Hey, look." "The guy at the front desk thought I was cute and gave me a complimentary box of lipstick bullets." "Aren't they adorable?" "(Gunfire)" "Lou and I had a huge fight." "The wedding's off." "Oh, come on." "Okay, with weddings a lot of people get cold feet." "He told me he has a secret wife and kids in Cincinnati and asked me if that would be a problem." "Hey, he gets points for asking, right?" "Okay, are you sure you wouldn't rather go get a mani-pedi or something a little less..." "Shooty?" "No." "Since I became a cop, this is where I come to relax." "Wow, nice grouping." "Right in the bells." "(Sighs) Honey, let me give you a hug..." "As soon as you put the gun away." "You know I feel bad for you too." "I mean, all the work you put into this?" "You found me the florist and the caterer, and the arboretum!" "Oh, you're so sweet, but don't worry about me." "And now I have to suffer the humiliation of calling and canceling everything." "No no, you don't." "Hey, I'll handle all that." "I'll call the florist, I will call the caterer and I will call and cancel the reservation at the arboretum." " Oh, thank you." " For a wedding." "In four weeks." "Ooh." "Okay, wait." "So Lou thought that he could get away with having two wives?" "Yes, and if you've ever seen him in bike shorts, you wonder how he ever got one woman to marry him." "Oh, man." "So that means they're gonna lose their reservation at the arboretum?" "Wow, that's gonna cost them." "Unless they were to find someone else to take the reservation for, I don't know..." "My wedding?" "Wait, what?" "You and Joe, in thirty days?" "Aunt Mel, that's insane." "Insanely awesome." "But you and Joe aren't even engaged." "How are you gonna talk him into this?" "The same way you talk men into doing anything." "Make them think it's their idea." "Ooh, that is so sneaky." "Mm, please." "I prefer diabolical." "And here's my evil laugh." "(Both laugh)" "What are you two laughing about?" "Both:" "Nothing." "So then Carrie said" ""Olivia?" "Who's Olivia?"" "Lou fessed up and showed her pictures of his other wife, his kids and his bulldog whose name is..." "Get this..." "Carrie." "How messed up is that?" "So messed up." "98... 99... 3,000." "So the wedding is "pfft"." "And they're gonna lose a ton of money on flowers and the caterer and the arboretum." "But as I was telling Lennox, maybe they could find somebody else to take the date." "Ooh, I know." " You do?" " Yeah." "Put it on eBay." "You just told me everyone's dying to get married at that pavilion thingy." " It'll go in a heartbeat." " No, you don't sell something like that to a stranger." "Okay, whatever." "I don't know about you, honey, but I'm ready for bed." "And not sleepy bed." "Fun bed." "Wait wait wait wait." "You know, maybe you're onto something." "You had a good idea." "Yeah, fun bed." "No no no, before that." "About finding someone else to take the reservation." " That wasn't my idea, honey." "That was your idea." " No no no." "That was all Joe Longo, you problem-solving genius." "I am full of a lot of good ideas." "Yeah." "Like you said, if only there were some way to get someone to save that reservation." "Mm-hmm, yep." "That's absolutely not what I'm thinking about right now." "Hang on, hang on." "There's got to be someone we know that wants to have a Bar Mitzvah or a retirement party, or, I don't know, a wedding?" "Honey, no one's gonna plan a big event like that on such short notice." "Well, they might." "If they were really in love." "I know." "But it's..." "What the hell's on this?" "A combination lock?" "Joe." "Let's get married." " What?" " Yeah." "Marry me at the arboretum on the 23rd between noon and 6:00 P.M." " Are you serious?" " Yeah." "It's available, I'm available." "Actually, I will have to cancel something, but I will be available." "Wow." "You know, this is..." "This is..." "It's so unexpected." "I mean, you sure it's not too fast, honey?" "I mean, we've only been going out a few months." "Well, I'm ready." "What do you say?" "I mean..." "It's incredibly sweet." " But..." " Stop." "Got it." "I heard the "but."" "I know what that means." "It is an extremely nice offer." " It's just that..." " Nice offer?" "No no no." "Nice offer is "Ladies drink free."" " That's not what I meant." " Yeah, I know what you meant." "You're not interested in marrying me." "It's..." "I get it." "Message received." "So let's get back to the task at hand, right?" "Go ahead." "That's not really that sexy." "Yeah well, this is all I got." "So have your way." "I'm good." "So you just asked him, just like that?" "Just "Hey, Joe, you want to get married?"" "I thought he was ready." "I guess I'm just not the right person." "What else could it be?" "You are totally the right person." "Well, tell that to my stupid true love." "Oh hey, Ryder." " How's the job search going?" " Oh, lousy." "Fake me should have never quit training monkeys at NASA." "Don't ask." "I went to the mall a week ago and filled out like 40 applications." "Didn't hear back from anybody." "Seriously?" "That many and not a nibble?" "Yeah, if you don't believe me, ask Joe." "He was there." "I saw him." "He was at some jewelry store." "Whoa." "Rewind." "Joe was at a jewelry store?" "Yeah, the fancy one across from the hot dog place." "Aunt Mel, that's it." "That's the "what else."" "That's why Joe didn't want to get married when you asked him." "You asked Joe to marry you?" "That's ballsy." "No, think about it." "A wedding is a woman's arena." "What is the man's only wedding-related responsibility?" "Say "I do" and don't hit on the bridesmaids?" "No." "It's the proposal." "The only thing the man can control is when he pops the question, so Joe was at the jewelry store looking at engagement rings." "Holy smokes, that's it!" "Joe's gonna propose." "I'm gonna get out of here before the squealing starts." "(Both squealing) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" "Wait, hold it, hold it." "We can't celebrate yet." "Because we don't know when it's gonna happen." "You're right." "Yeah." "I mean, you know," " now I just have to wait." " Mm-hmm." "No problem there." "I can live with the uncertainty of not knowing when." "When." "When..." " When, damn it, when?" "!" " (Yelps)" "Chez Beaumette?" "Yeah, this is Joe Longo." "I'm just calling to confirm my reservation for this evening for a party of two, 6:30 P.M." "Okay, great." "That's a sunset-view table, right?" "Perfect, thanks." "So." "Tonight's the big night, huh?" "You're gonna ask aunt Mel to marry you?" " What?" "Where'd you get an idea like that?" " When I told aunt Mel and Lennox that I'd seen you at the jewelry store, they kind of put two-and-two together." "And then they explained it to me." "You guys are all wrong." "I'm just taking her out to eat." " Right." " Can't a guy take his girl out for a nice meal without it being a big deal?" "Oh no." "I got you." "Keep it on the down low." "What?" "No." "Dude, there's no down, man." " There's no low." " (Chuckles) Indeed." "Playa." "It's tonight." "It's tonight." "Joe is proposing tonight." " What?" " Yes." "Ryder just told me that he's taking you to Chez beaumette." "  Chez beaumette?" " Yeah." ""Toledo Living" said it's the number-one place in town to propose." "You think I don't know that?" "I have been a bridesmaid 25 times." "Oh crap." "This is not a getting-proposed-to dress." "Okay, which one of these says "yes."" "Uh, green?" "Green means go." "Mm, too long." "(Groans) Too funeral-y." "Too "Real Housewifes"." "Joe:" "Hey, Mel." "Are you ready to go, honey?" " Almost." " All right, hurry up." "We don't want to be late for our big night out." "Oh my God!" "This is it." "Shut up." "You can't jinx it." "You're right." "You're right." "(Both squealing)" "Are you guys laughing about?" "Both:" "Nothing." "(Muffled squealing)" "(Cellphone ringing)" "Ryder, why does Zaps Incredible keep calling me?" "Oh, that's the laser tag place." "Answer it, answer it." "But why?" "'Cause I'm applying for a job there." "You're my boss." "You're my reference." "You love me." "You thought I was great." "Oh, and you're Jamaican." "Go." "(Jamaican accent) Hello... mon." "Yeah, Ryder be a fantastic employee, mon." "Yeah, his work habits be jammin'." "No worries, mon." "With Ryder, every single thing gonna be just fine." "You were great." "Okay, don't ever do that again." "What, make you do an accent?" "No, make me say nice things about you." "(Accordion music playing)" " To us." " To us." "Oh, this is such a beautiful place." "And you know what it's famous for?" "Mm, no, what?" "Well, honey, "Toledo Living" says this is the best place in town for..." "Bouillabaisse." "Boui... what?" "That..." "I did not know that." "The lighting in here is really making your eyes dance." "Joe." "Hold that thought." "Excuse me." "Could I ask you a special favor, please?" "Could you stay on that side of the room?" "I can't hear myself talk." "It wasn't bothering me." "Yeah?" "Well, maybe I have a very important question to ask you and I want to make sure that you can hear it." "Oh, yeah?" "Like what?" "Well, you know, I've been..." "I've been thinking a lot about us." "And I think it might be time that we make a little change to our arrangement." "Oh?" "And I suppose you have an idea on how to do that with one question?" "Yes, I do." "So I wanted to ask you if..." "I can move into your room and we can turn my room into the Longo Fit corporate offices." "That..." "That's your question?" "Yeah, you don't have to tell me right now, honey." "You can wait." "Yeah, I can wait." "I can wait." "Yes." "Oh my God, yes!" "(Applause)" "Isn't that something, sweetie?" "Sure it is. (Chuckles)" "You know what?" "That just got me thinking." "Yes, Joe?" "Maybe they can use the reservation at the arboretum." "Sure, why the hell not?" "Garcon, hit me." "Oh, you know, honey?" "I know I've probably seemed a little preoccupied since we walked in here this evening, but that's because ever since we sat down at this table" "I have been dying to do something." "You know what?" "I just cannot wait any longer." "So much better." "That wobbling was driving me nuts." "Me too." "Wobbling." "(Sighs)" "Hey, Mel." "Are you okay?" "You seem a little quiet." "Oh, I'm fine." "Perfectly perfectly fine." "Dinner just wasn't exactly what I was expecting, that's all." "I know." "The bouillabaisse not the best, right?" "Well, anyway, I may have something that will make you feel a little bit better." "Ryder, Lennox!" "Could you guys come in here, please?" "I have a presentation I'd like to make, and I'd appreciate it if you were all here to witness it." "What's up?" "This is kind of a big moment, and I thought it'd be best to do it here with all of us at our home." "I'm very old school." "As you know," "I'm a traditional guy." "Yes, you are." "And I love that about you, Joe." "Thank you, Mel." "Thank you." "Ryder, this is for you." "Seriously?" "Oh my God, Joe." "This is so unexpected." "Well, I know you're..." "Out there looking for a job and one day when you'll find that job you're gonna need to be there on time." "Kids look at their phones." "But men look at their watches." "Wow." "Thank you, Joe." "Aunt Mel, look." "Yeah yeah." "That's real nice." "Mel, I don't understand." "I just gave Ryder a very expensive watch and you act like it's nothing." "No, it's not nothing." "It's a beautiful piece of jewelry." "For Ryder, who drops things in the toilet!" "What's wrong, honey?" "I just feel like such a moron!" "You took me to the most romantic restaurant in all of Toledo at sunset, for the bouillabaisse." "Then you paid the accordion guy to not play a romantic song, and then you got down on one knee, and adjusted the freaking table!" "The whole night I thought you were gonna propose to me." "Oh my gosh." "That was so insensitive of me." "I should have put two-and-two together." "Of course, I take you out to that amazing restaurant and oh, we come home and I pull this bag out and I pull a box out of it." "But the box is not for you, it's for Ryder." "And the whole time you're thinking I'm gonna propose to you, and that is just..." "Wait a minute." "What's this?" "(Gasps)" "Okay, be quiet." "I'm filming." "Mel, ever since we first met, we have done nothing but disagree and argue and fight." "You never miss an opportunity to tell me when I'm doing something wrong every single time I do it." "And I'm a better man for it." "(Chuckles)" "I can't imagine my life without you in it." "And if you stick with me," "I promise you I will spend the rest of my days doing everything I can to make sure you are the happiest woman on this earth." "So..." "Mel Burke, will you marry me?" "Yes, you jackass." "So you were really surprised?" "Yes." "That was very sweet." "And never do that again." "Well, proposing to you the right way meant a lot to me." "And you know, I may actually have another little surprise up my sleeve." "Oh, yeah?" "Is there another wobbly table that needs fixing?" "Maybe." "(Jazz music playing)" "Oh, Joe." "It's beautiful." "May I have this dance?" "Okay, so." "I have another surprise for you." "Oh, I don't know." "That first one kind of finished me off." "Oh, yeah?" "Well, are you ready?" "Because here it is." "I accept your proposal." "My what?" "I got the right girl, why wait?" "Let's get married at the arboretum on the 23rd." "You mean "get it over with"?" "Oh, Joe!" "I've been waiting you to say those words." "But, what if I told you I let the reservation go?" "No, you didn't!" "No, I didn't!" "(Laughs)" "Sucker!" "You're getting married in four weeks." "So are you, baby." "Holy crap, I'm getting married in four weeks!" "I have so much to do!" "That was forty dollars well spent."