"**" "* you won't admit you love me * * and so * * how am i ever * * to know * * you always tell me * * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *" "* perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *" "lesbian spank inferno." "oh, god!" "how could you possibly enjoy a film like that?" "because it's got naked women in it!" "look, i like naked women." "i'm a bloke!" "i'm supposed to like them." "we're born like that." "we like naked women from the moment that we're pulled out of one." "halfway down the birth canal, we're already enjoying the view!" "woman on p.a.:" "ladies and gentlemen, this plane will be crashing in a little under two minutes." "please ensure that your mobile phones are now switched off." "sorry, excuse me." "sir?" "you loop it round the front, loop it round the back, and tie it to which side?" "it doesn't really matter, sir, as we're gonna be crashing into a mountain range today." "oh, okay." "which will shortly be appearing on the left side of the plane." "everything all right here?" "could we move slightly further back?" "susan: it's just we're not quite sure which is our nearest emergency exit." "we've got those cusp seats." "so could we move closer to one of the exits?" "and then we won't get all indecisive during impact." "well, we'll be arriving at the cliff face any second now, so really, you're about to move closer to all of them." "oh, well, we'll wait, then." "guys, everyone, look!" "we're gonna be okay!" "whistles!" "( gasps ) result!" "cool!" "( all blowing whistles ) oh, for god's sake!" "what?" "exactly what point are you trying to make?" "how is a birth plan going to work?" "in a way totally dissimilar to a plane crash." "well... ( sighs ) do you know the two most optimistic words in the history of human communication?" ""shut up"?" "good guess." "who's guessing?" "some airline official, some distant afternoon sitting there on draft 52 of the airline safety briefing." "he's just reached the words "pull the oxygen mask towards you and place it over your nose and mouth"" "when something happens in his brain." "maybe the sun comes out from behind a cloud, maybe he falls in love with the tea lady-- we'll never know." "but somehow-- somehow this man, in a moment of deranged optimism, writes the words "breathe normally."" "and this is relevant how?" "this is the airline safety briefing." "this is breathing normally." "this is the document i give to the hospital about how i want to experience the birth of our child." "without pain relief?" "if i can." ""i shall be attending antenatal classes and hope to be able to cope without an epidural."" "that's what i wrote." "without an epidural." "yes." "which is pain relief." "i know what it is." "pain being something that you will be in." "yes." "pain relief being something that you will offered." "yes." "but which apparently, you won't want." "yes." "susan, are you still in there?" "still here, still me." "i'm not sure anymore." "i just don't wanna be pumped full of drugs." "since when?" "i just want, if i'm capable of it, to experience a natural delivery." "( sighs ) why is everything natural nowadays?" "where did it all come from?" "try and understand-- i'm a woman." "try and understand?" "you're a woman of less than average size, and the next generation is massing at your pelvis." "( high-pitched voice ) okay, nearly there." "but i can only see one way out." "mummy, you might want to bite down on something." "lovely!" "thank you." "there is pain, there is pain relief." "this is not an intelligence test anyone should fail." "the pain of childbirth is part of being a woman." "yeah, and it's the part we can fix." "fix?" "!" "fix?" "that's what he said." "like you're some sort of car?" "yeah." "with an illness." "yeah." "like i'm a-- ill car." "( sighs ) at times, i wonder what men are for." "and then i get a little bout of morning sickness, and it all comes back to me." "you haven't mentioned your guy." "is he coming to the antenatal classes?" "oh, he's not around anymore." "oh, sorry." "he'd never be good at that sort of thing, anyhow." "dreadful man." "dreadful?" "no manners, rude to the innocent, smokes like a bus queue." "bus queue?" "of dinner ladies." "oh, okay." "honestly, a cross between a chimney and a bastard." "so have you got a birth partner or someone standing in for, um, bus queue dinner lady smoking man?" "well, i'm working on it." "not oliver, obviously." "oliver my ex?" "we've run into him a couple of times and i wasn't quite sure if you were friends." "he seems sweet." "well, he is sweet, but, you know." "what's he a cross between?" "uh, brother and sister." "so, uh, so who's your birth partner?" "uh, well, steve." "no, seriously." "i'm serious." "but you need someone you can trust in that room." "talk to your best friend, just for backup." "steve is my best friend." "no, seriously." "totally serious." "okay, steve's your best friend... but talk to your real best friend, just in case you waver." "steve is my real best friend, and i'm not going to waver." "so i would just be backup, then?" "exactly." "a birth partner." "a lot of women do this." "they choose their best friend and-- oh, susan." "well, steve's my best friend, obviously." "well, obviously." "of course he is." "but in the event that he, you know... leaves you." "can't cope." "can't cope and leaves you." "he's not gonna leave me." "who said he was?" "you did. twice." "well, sorry." "i only meant to think it." "okay, shall we try again?" "um, in the event that steve can't cope-- steve can't cope." "lose the inverteds." "sorry." "can't cope." "better." "so to speak." "no, no, no, no." "there's no "so to speak."" "sorry." "i'm asking you to be my backup birth partner." "that's all there is to understand here." "birth partner." "yeah." "i like the sound of that." "good, great." "birth partner." "susan, i'm so flattered." "oh, fantastic." "just a little question-- tiny one." "yeah, sure." "does being a birth partner involve any...thing?" "well, uh, maybe coming to an antenatal class or two." "fine!" "yes!" "actually, there's one next week." "could you pop along to that?" "of course i could." "steve and i don't want it to turn into a circus, three of us turning up everywhere, but a couple of classes-- no problem." "and, of course, you'll be attending the actual birth." "the actual birth?" "yeah." "okay, at the actual birth, would i have to do any...thing?" "well, uh, principally, man the exit." "what, in case steve leaves you?" "no, i mean the exit... so to speak." "oh...that." "yeah." "the-- quite." "gore tunnel." "what?" "!" "sorry!" "i'm sorry, i... opened my mouth during a mental image." "what you're saying is you want me downriver." "sally, there's something i haven't told you, something important." "um, i've been for all my scans-- quite a few scans, actually--and uh... sally..." "i'm packing a big one." "a big one?" "we're talking enormous, far bigger than normal." "i had no idea." "i've got a whopper!" "( groans ) you poor, poor thing." "tell me about it." "but at least the baby should have no trouble getting out of it." "it's the baby i'm talking about!" "oh... the baby!" "the baby is heading to be 11 pounds." "oh, my god!" "the exit itself is quite normally sized, thank you very much." "well, for now!" "i'm sorry." "actually, on that subject, um, sometimes if there are exit issues, they have to make, um, well, an incision." "a what?" "an incision." "where?" "downriver." "( string quartet plays )" "susan: sally?" "oh, sorry. sorry." "did you pass out?" "i went to my safe place." "it's a technique." "you were humming." "yes. there's a quartet." "sorry, you were saying?" "are you sure you're all right?" "fine, fine." "okay... well, i just want someone to monitor the damage levels." "steve couldn't do that?" "there are some things downriver that should remain a mystery to steve." "very wise." "otherwise, he might develop issues with, you know." "reentry." "exactly." "but i don't want some scalpel-happy male doctor with no vested interest in the equipment down there remodeling my-- yes, thank you, got the point." "just wanna gain a baby without losing traction." "of course." "you know how clueless men are down there at the best of times." "god, yes!" "imagine one with a scalpel." "( playing slowly )" "( discordant music )" "mummy, i'll be good!" "you all right?" "fine, terrific." "do i have a nosebleed?" "no." "there you go." "are you sure you're up to this?" "are you surei am?" "do you know what?" "i am sure." "well, then, i'm sure, too." "absolutely?" "absolutely." "great." "so i would just be backup, then?" "absolutely." "susan, steve, and i don't want this to turn into some kind of circus." "what would i have to do?" "well, in the event that i suddenly... can't cope, you would be backup." "why wouldn't you be able to cope?" "oh, no reason." "don't cut the muffin!" "what?" "!" "sorry." "what's wrong?" "i don't like..." "muffin crumbs." "muffin crumbs?" "it's a new problem." "it came on very suddenly." "well, at least there won't be any muffin crumbs at the birth." "( whimpers ) sally?" "look... it is possible, just possible, that witnessing susan giving birth could cause me to have issues." "i am very prone to issues." "i come out in issues at the drop of a hat." "and have you told susan about this?" "in a manner of speaking." "what manner of speaking?" "fax." "fax?" "!" "well, i nearly faxed her." "i've been thinking about it." "you can't say i'm not trying." "look, there's an antenatal class next tuesday." "in or out?" "how do you think susan would feel about me as her birth partner?" "she'll be half-naked and screaming in agony, she'll be no trouble." "i don't know anything about this." "what do you do at a birth?" "where would i sit?" "i'll let susan fill you in on that." "i just don't think susan's gonna be offering me a ringside seat." "well, oddly enough... anyway, i'm supposed to be out with oliver on tuesday." "still, i suppose-- oliver?" "oliver is the sweetest, kindest, nicest man i've ever met." "how do you get rid of someone like that?" "only one thing you can do with nice-- outkeen him." "mmm, outkeen." "outkeening can shift the nicest man." "you don't know what oliver's like." "i don't think there's a single thing anyone could say that could outkeen him." "an antenatal class?" "well, we've talked on the phone, you've met all my friends." "i think it is time to take things to another level." "haven't we missed some levels?" "well, i just thought susan and steve will be there, sally, i'm popping along-- always room for one more." "you're sure about that?" "nobody wants it to turn into a circus." "isn't it getting fairly close?" "look, if you're feeling too pressured, if this is all just too much, then i-- but--but i just... i understand completely." "i just don't wanna show up and be the only non-father bloke there." "i understand completely." "i mean, nobody wants it to turn into a circus." "is there really much danger of that with an antenatal class?" "not--not an actual circus." "good, 'cause i was having trouble picturing that." "sally's gonna be there, anyway-- oh, no, i don't think sally will be going." "afraid of giraffes." "giraffes?" "sorry, i moved from circus to zoo there." "uh, the wrong direction." "so what do you think?" "well, as it happens, i can fit an antenatal class into my lunch hour, so it'd be mad not to." "cheers, mate." "thanks." "( string quartet playing softly )" "susan: sally?" "i think you may have misunderstood what marina just said." "the process of separating mother and child--birth itself-- is sometimes referred to as "splitting."" "oh, i see." "good afternoon, everyone." "my name's jill." "i'm afraid jennifer dislocated her shoulder at a forceps delivery, and she's asked me to take today's class." "i can't claim to match her level of experience, but i hope i'll be able to be of some help." "now, i understand that jennifer is happy for friends and relatives of the couple to come along to this preliminary session, and obviously, i'm happy, too, as long as it doesn't develop into some kind of" "lesbian spank inferno." "i mean..." "i--i mean a circus." "i'm sorry, i--i once had an argument with this gentleman at dinner over the merits of a film in his video collection." "it was a film buff's evening." "called lesbian spank inferno." "it was very much an art house movie about five lesbian filmmakers who decide to reverse-incentivize the creative process." "please, can we never, ever talk about that again?" "okay." "right. we'll start in about five minutes." "well, hello, again." "hi." "good to see you." "yeah, great." "i thought you were a therapist." "well, i cover a number of disciplines." "this is my specialism these days-- moved on from therapy after your friend jane." "jane?" "that dinner." "insisted she was a vegetarian even though she ate meat?" "i knew then to get out of therapy and never find myself in the same room as that woman and her pathetic delusions again." "hello, everyone!" "are we ready to get antenatal?" "jane!" "oliver." "hi." "dear god in heaven, it really is you." "jill!" "well, you seem healthy." "so much for voodoo." "jill... how lovely." "have you got over all your issues now?" "i was the therapist." "no, we took it in turns." "no, we didn't." "you were always very resistant." "i've got it in my notes." "so, you're pregnant, then?" "yes." "jane christie is actually going to have a baby." "oh, no, this is a cushion." "but i always say, a woman doesn't have to have a baby inside her to be pregnant." "all women are pregnant, aren't they, jill?" "not if they don't have babies inside them." "you're not pregnant, jane." "well, i'm not completely pregnant, no." "well, try and keep in mind this room is full of complete mothers." "i don't think that's true." "everyone seems very nice." "excuse me, has it started?" "i'm running a little late." "tamsin?" "oliver!" "what the hell are you doing here?" "well, i'm a heavily pregnant woman, and you can't get a girlfriend, so do you think maybe you stole my question?" "so where is he, then?" "where is who?" "mr. new guy." "my replacement." "wheel him on, dear." "we could all do with a laugh." "come on, everybody." "tamsin's got a new boyfriend." "laughing gear engaged-- let's give it a big one." "where is he, then?" "what's the problem?" "shy, is he?" "afraid?" "ashamed?" "really, really ugly?" "dead!" "dead, in fact." "he's dead." "that's where tamsin's boyfriend is--dead." "that's the whole story." "move along, now." "nothing to see here." "she probably wants to deal with it on her own." "oh, for god's sake!" "okay, everyone, we're not doing the laughing now." "that's a no on the laughing." "laughing's cancelled because of the whole death aspect." "oliver, he's not really dead." "i just wanted you to make a prat of yourself." "okay, he's not dead now, and i'm just making a prat of myself." "maybe you wanna try and not do that." "sorry, can't stop, on a roll." "right, if we could just bring all this to order... i've just remembered." "remembered what?" "that dinner four years ago." "i've just remembered who you left with." "i left with someone?" "i really don't recall." "who?" "right!" "hello, there." "i can't believe i've had an antenatal class around the corner all this time and never bothered to check it out!" "patrick." "patrick?" "patrick?" "patrick?" "patrick?" "patrick?" "blimey. so this is where you all end up." "patrick, have you slept with all these women?" "well, i've only just got here." "i haven't checked." "but you slept with her." "yeah, but ages before i started going out with you." "about five years ago." "so when you were going out with me." "when patrick was going out with me." "when patrick was going out with me." "hang on." "that's when you were going out with me." "well, it's all quite pacey, isn't it?" "patrick, apart from causing your usual amount of lasting emotional damage, is there any particular reason you've come to this antenatal class?" "well, it's local." "and does it bother you at all that you're a man and also not pregnant?" "well, yeah, i had to balance that against the convenience of the location." "this is gonna be so embarrassing." "why?" "what, do you mean me?" "why would i be embarrassing?" "not really your area, mate." "i think i understand the area." "i've got a good grasp of the area, thank you very much." "okay, that's enough excitement for now." "i really think we've got to get started." "apart from anything else, i think it's time that patrick maitland learned where babies come from." "the front!" "oh, god!" "right. any questions?" "so if the baby's head is stuck, they attach the sucker to the top of the head... and pull, yes." "it's only for when they can't manage to insert the forceps, which is relatively rare." "( sally humming ) i'm sorry, i'm getting madam butterfly from somewhere." "( stops humming ) sorry, it's me." "i have an accidental hum." "accidental?" "yeah. there's a quartet." "okay... we're now going to split into groups and discuss what we think about pain relief and what we think is the best approach." "girls and boys in different groups, please." "we don't want couples together." "this is a chance to meet new people." "right. okay, the question of pain relief." "yes." "absolutely." "sorted." "so how are we supposed to spin this out?" "( whispering ) okay, i suppose we could discuss the different methods." "drugs." "drugs." "sorted." "okay, we should at least go through them." "right, uh, the tens machine." ""this is a device which gives small electrical shocks" ""on demand and can sometimes confuse the pain gauge during contractions."" "so that basically... doesn't work." "not a hope." "next, we've got gas and air." "that's a combination of gas and air that you inhale and it makes you feel mildly drunk." "mildly drunk?" "yeah." "well, that's bollocks, isn't it?" "bollocks. right." "water birth--not, strictly speaking, pain relief, but apparently, the process of a cranium forcing its way out of your genitals can be made more comfortable if you climb into a warm bath." "and somewhere in the world, a tree died to make this sheet of paper." "so, you and tamsin, then?" "apparently." "not sure how i feel about that." "fact of life." "if there's a woman you know, at some point she slept with patrick." "welcome to the gang." "you're one of us now." "excellent." "right, okay!" "here's the last one, and it's the biggie." "breathing." ""as an alternative to conventional pain relief," ""the mother has to breathe deeply and regularly" ""to relax herself between contractions," ""so that the pain of successive contractions does not accumulate, enabling the mother to give birth in relative comfort."" "by breathing... deeply." "( all guffawing ) is there anything in the world we can't tell them?" "is there anything they won't believe?" "breathing!" "that's up there with "i'll phone you next week."" "( all laughing )" ""the internet is a research tool."" ""i'll tap your head a second before!"" "all right, then, i think we've had enough time." "i take it you lot have reached a conclusion." "epidural--why are we all still here?" "yup, epidural." "epidural." "oh, for god's sake!" "this is a very typical division." "men tend to opt for drug-based pain relief." "because men are not insane!" "there's nothing insane about natural childbirth." "oh, yeah?" "you think?" "is that what you're telling people?" "okay, great." "how about a natural appendectomy, hmm?" "how are those going?" "much of a waiting list?" "down the barn, scalpel warmed up in a cow's armpit, bite on the rag, stick your tummy out, and it's a big hello to those perky little pain gates." "it's a known fact that with breathing-- do me a favor, please, all of you." "go home tonight, take your shoes and socks off, and then stub your toe as hard as you can against the table leg of your choice." "then...( pants )... do the breathing exercises and see where that leaves you." "pregnant women, i implore you, look at the man you came here with." "look specifically at his head, then do the maths before the maths do you." "heads into tails don't go!" "i don't want an epidural!" "and as soon as those contractions hit?" "i'll ask for one." "exactly." "and you're gonna stop me." "what?" "susan and i have been discussing this." "i think it's an excellent idea." "i'm putting you in charge." "when i ask for the drugs, you're gonna ask me if i'm sure and remind me of what i said before." "and you're gonna make me ask three times." "and you're gonna promise me today that's what you're gonna do." "man: chicken." "i'm in charge?" "i'm gonna ask three times, and you're gonna promise to make me, yes." "sally: chicken." "you see, this is excellent." "steve is part of the process-- not just an onlooker, but someone with actual responsibility, even authority." "well, in that case, would you shut up?" "!" "steve!" "i can't do this!" "yes, you can." "chicken." "chicken." "chicken." "chicken." "i had the fish." "mr. taylor, you're the only person on this plane who isn't about to suffer from a severe-- and i mean severe-- case of food poisoning." "this plane is due to land in an hour, and by that time, you'll be the only one on board still conscious." "you better come with me." "you've got a lot to learn." "you better show me the ropes." "follow me, mr. taylor." "steve?" "don't worry." "we handled the cliff face." "we can deal with this, too." "you think you can do this?" "i guess i just stopped being a passenger." "and you know what?" "it feels kind of good." "obviously the autopilot can land the plane, but with over 200 severe gastric seizures on the way, this place is going to be a real mess." "good luck." "take it away, guys." "( playing coupling theme song ) * if you can't make your mind up * * we'll never get started * * and i don't want to wind up * * being parted * * broken-hearted * * so if you really love me *" "* say yes * * and please don't tell me * * perhaps * * perhaps * * perhaps *"