"So, I've got it all planned out." "I'm gonna surprise Nick at his book reading, and afterwards, when he's on a big high," "I'm gonna tell him how I feel." "You think this is a little soon after the breakup with Reagan?" " Yeah." " Yeah." "I'm worried, very worried. (chuckles)" "But you know what, I wrote everything out on the plane, like what I'm gonna say." "It's all on flash cards, some of it's in song," "I would do it for you, but... some of the jokes are at your expense," " so, uh..." " (chuckles)" "Jess, why don't you just tell him how you feel?" "You know, no jokes, no songs, just from the heart." "(laughs)" "No songs." " (laughs)" " Yeah." "No songs." "No songs, she said." " NICK: "Pepperwood lay on the ground - _" ""in a puddle of blood." ""Jessica Night broke through the barricades and ran to his side." ""'Even though he doesn't have muscles," ""he seems incredibly strong' Jessica thought," ""as she looked into his perfect, sexy face." ""Even now, even covered" ""in the blood of the man they both knew as Schmith," ""the two sat in silence in the hot, New Orleans night," ""waiting for the words that would never come."" "(audience whoops and cheers)" "I'm gonna open up the floor to some questions." "Uh, the young lady right here in the strange-looking vest." "No offense." "When are Pepperwood and Jessica Night going to get together?" " WOMAN:" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." " That is a great question." "(audience muttering)" "I'll just cut to it, guys." "Uh, Pepperwood and Jessica Night will never get together." "Never." "(low murmuring)" "I'm sorry." "You guys, stop." "It's just, look, these characters, they-they are based off real people." "A-and the real people... are just fundamentally different." "They don't work together." "It's just never gonna happen." " You just got to forget about it." " Excuse me." "Move on from it." "And also, you know, Pepperwood, he blew it." "Sometimes you don't get another chance, you know, to-to fix the mistake." "It's just..." "look, adult relationships are really complicated." "So, let's hear it for books!" "All right, wow, you guys are super intense." "♪ ♪" "Hi." " I'm Merle Streep." " I don't care." "Okay." "Um, I'm an editor and I publish children's books," " so I wanted..." " Oh, congratulations to you." "What would you like me to do about that?" "Uh, I'm about to make a call, so..." " Nice to meet you, Merle Streep." " (line ringing)" " Goofy name." "Okay." " I'll..." "I'll... okay." "(ringing)" " Hey, Nick." " Hey, this is crazy, but were you just at my reading?" "You're not in L.A., are you?" "No, I'm in Portland with my dad." " That's what I thought." " How'd the reading go?" "Couldn't have gone better." "I felt weirdly comfortable up there." " I'm so proud of you." " Thanks." "Reagan and I broke up." "I got to go." "Oh, my dad just sprained his thumb trying to get up off a couch." "I'll talk to you later, Nick." "Sorry." "So, is now a good time to talk to you?" "Because I'd like to talk to you about publishing your book." "You'd like to talk to me about what?" "Publishing your book." "What are you, some kind of a-a publisher?" "Yeah, that's what my card..." "I was trying to give you my card, but you..." " You want to publish my book?" " Yeah." "Yeah, I want you to publish my book." " Is this how you normally are?" " No." "(humming)" "(whoops) Babe, hi." "Are your pants off?" "I..." "I went to the reading and..." "Oh, no, what happened?" "I'm so sorry I'm not wearing pants." "Schmidt's been so busy with work, we scheduled a no-pants dinner thing." "Do you want me to take my pants off, too?" "Oh, no, honey." "Tell me everything." "ALY:" "That's it." "I'm all moved in." "This is my last box and it's labeled "holiday important."" "So, it's definitely sex toys." "(laughs) Well, then I wonder what's in this box." "It's labeled "documents."" "Eh, it's just documents. (chuckles)" "Oh, no, no, no." "That's nothing." " I..." " Wait, wait, wait." "You have a mug shot of the diaper bandit?" " With a phone number on the back?" " All right." "Listen, I-I wanted to wait for the right time to tell you this." "Have you been keeping in touch with the diaper bandit?" "What?" "No." "No, listen." "I..." "That's actually your dad's phone number." "You said you wanted to find him, so..." "I found him." "(whispering):" "My dad is the diaper bandit?" " No." " Oh." " Forget about the diaper bandit." " That'd have been weird." "SCHMIDT:" "Cece... (singsongy):" "I'm not wearing any pants." "(whispering):" "Honey." " (screaming)" " Oh, no!" "Oh, no!" "I touched one of your breasts!" "Where is my wife?" "!" "I can never be the same!" "(both panting)" " Let's just move on." " I'm fine." "No, it's fine." "I panicked, and I told him I was in Portland, and now I can't go back to the loft." "To play devil's advocate, he was just talking about characters in his novel." "I mean, look, the character based on me is a Jewish psychopath who wears a bolo tie and eats applesauce out of a baboon's skull." "No, he was talking about us." "He just doesn't feel the way I feel." "I..." "I can't see him." "Hey, it's me, Nick." "In three, two..." " Hang on, wrong key." " SCHMIDT:" "Get in the kitchen." " Go, shoo, scram." " NICK:" "That was for my chest drawer." " Got it." " SCHMIDT:" "My man." "(Nick sighs)" "I don't love this couch." "Did you take the tags off already?" "It's the perfect couch." "What are you doing here?" "Well, I need to talk to you and my phone's only at five percent." " Well, why didn't you..." " I can't find the charger." " It's under Winston's pillow." " I looked in Winston's room." " Did you look under the pillow?" " Yeah, yeah." "I..." " Yeah." "I went in there." "I..." " No, you didn't." "I didn't look in Winston's room, but I need to talk to you." "An editor wants to publish my book." "Pass immediately and start a bidding war." "I'm getting ahead of myself." "Mazel." " That's incredible, Nick." " Thanks." "I called Jess, but she didn't answer." "I was really hoping to tell her about it, but... she hung up on me earlier and now she won't pick up the phone." " What are you doing?" " Shh!" "Shh, shh!" "(whispering):" "What, what, what?" " Oh, Nick's here?" " Shh!" "You're yelling." " I'm not yelling." " You're yelling." "You're coming with me to the meeting tomorrow." "(phone beeps) I'm picking you up at 9:00 A.M." " I have to go to the kitchen." " I'll come with." "I'm starving." "No." "Where are you..." "Come to the kitchen with me then, Nick." "(whispering):" "Wait, why are you crawling?" "(whispering):" "I don't know." "Just go." "(groans)" " Hey, do you have any..." " (phone beeps) angel hair pasta in here?" "I don't see it." "Ooh, you know what?" "Uh.... excuse me, I have to go to the bedroom now." "(quietly):" "Jess, this is very stressful." "I know." "Look, tomorrow, you need to go to that meeting with Nick and you need to stay with him until I'm packed." " Whoa, whoa, whoa, packed?" " I just army-crawled... across your entire house to get away from my ex-boyfriend who I still live with." "I-I can't do this anymore." "I need, I need to get out of here and get some space." "I'm moving out of the loft." "What?" "I couldn't find your trash bin, so I threw it away in the toilet." " What'd you throw in the toilet?" " The, uh, salami in the fridge." " What?" " I didn't flush it." "So, you're gonna have a bunch of salami floating around in your toilet bowl." "What?" "So Jess is just moving out because Nick said something dumb at a reading?" "Nick is always dumb." "He's the dumbest boy in school." "I had no idea you cared so much about what happens to Nick and Jess." "How could I not?" "I've been watching these idiots do this dance for the last six years." "He's rough and tumble." "She's sweet and sassy." "It's the moon and the tides, it's the push and the pull." "I know, it just makes so much sense." "I'm gonna go tell him that she loves him." "I'm gonna go tell him that she loves him," "I'm gonna burst in the door, and I'm gonna say," ""Nick, she loves you," and then..." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." "We cannot get involved." "Okay." " Okay?" " You're right." " You're right, okay." " All right." "Okay." "(both sigh)" " I should've worn shorts." " No, no." "I would've looked amazing in shorts." "I got rid of all the shorts, you nut-ball." "You are really grumpy this morning." "Well, I was up late last night," " talking to Cece about you." " For what?" "Nick, I want to tell you something, but... but I can't." "So I'm just gonna ask you this:" "why on earth... do you think that you are so okay... with this Reagan breakup?" "Reagan and I are at different places of our life." "It's fine." "Why hasn't Jess called me back?" "You guys are pretty good friends, right?" "But if you remember correctly, you didn't even want Jess to move in to the loft." "Nick, why do you think that is?" "I'm pretty freaked out by sanitary napkins." "Why don't you think you wanted Jess to move in to the loft?" "I don't know, 'cause I, 'cause I was afraid." "Nick, you have been in love with this girl from the moment you opened the door and you first laid eyes on her." "I have never seen you look at anyone else... like that in my entire life." "Except maybe, on a few occasions, me." "I've never looked at you the same way I look at Jess." " There's been a few times." " I... there's never been a time." "You looked at Coach maybe once or twice like that." "Me, several times." "Winston, never." "Let's table it." "You're wrong." "The first time I saw Jess... was I was standing in her empty room, and I was looking out the window." " She was trying to get in the building." " Okay." "Pretty hilarious." "She didn't have her glasses on, and she was bumping into stuff." "Will you listen to yourself?" "I shouldn't be telling you this, but..." "Jess is not in Portland." "She's here." "And she's packing up her stuff because she's going to move out of the loft for good." "Nick." "Wait, she's gonna move out of the loft?" "For once in your life, don't be afraid." "Ready to come in and talk?" "Hello." "I'm, uh, Winston Schmidt," "Nick's associate." "That's right." "Children's literature just got a brand-new daddy." "What?" "Children's literature just got a brand-new daddy." "Don't say that here anymore, okay?" "Thank you." "So sorry I'm late, but Sadie would not stop going on about her divorce, and I was like, "Girl, can you just be quiet" ""and look at my vagina, please?"" "The fact that we have the same gynecologist really makes me feel closer to you." "Wait, is this all you have packed?" "I mean, Nick's gonna be here in two hours." " I know." " Hey." "You know what?" "If this is too hard right now, you don't have to do this." "Just give yourself some time and think it through." "If my stuff is here, I'll just end up living here again." "You know me;" "I live where my stuff lives." "When I come back for the school year," "I'll... find a new place." "All right." "Well, if we're gonna do this, then we better get moving." "Yep." "My God, I'm gonna miss you so much." "I'm gonna miss you so much, too." "But it's just one summer." "It's fine." "Okay, I know, but I'm just gonna miss you." "Me, too." " This is dumb!" " It's one summer." " It's one summer." " It's one summer." "It's fine." "We can get through one summer." "It's fine." "I'm gonna miss you, like, day-to-day." "Who am I gonna talk to every day?" "Mine, mine... is this mine?" "Are you collecting things for Goodwill?" "I'm not donating things, I'm moving out." "BOTH:" "What?" "Look, I'm just going to Portland for the summer to get away." "Sure." "You go to Portland, have a fun summer, but then what about after that?" "Huh?" "When will we see you?" "Who will your friends be?" "Who you gonna hang out with?" "Okay, think about the people you are leaving behind." "Also, side note, Aly has my dad's number!" " Okay." " Wait, what?" " I got his dad's number." " My dad's name is Van, by the way." "Oh, my God, Winston, that's a huge deal!" " Yeah." "Yeah." " Are you gonna call him?" "No." "I can't call my dad." "I just can't." "You know what?" "You don't have to call him if you don't want to." "You can always just escape to Portland..." "Oh, my God!" "You can come with me to Portland!" "Furgie's gonna love it." "It's the second most cat-friendly Portland after Portland, Maine, according to Paws magazine." " Are you going to Portland?" " No." "Portland is hella white." "(phone ringing)" "Ooh. (chuckles)" "Sadie." "Hello." "(singsongy):" "Cece, you're pregnant." "Oh, my God..." "Cece's pregnant." "Why are you picking up someone else's phone?" "Call back in five minutes, and we will agree to lie to our friend for the rest of our lives." "Oh, God." "You're gonna be in my office throughout the pregnancy, aren't you?" "(door closes)" "So I am double-parked, so if you got any boxes" "I can take down to the car." "What's up?" "Why are you so happy?" "I just love boxes so much." "Can I have one to take to the car?" " It's heavy." " I'm fine." "Oh, okay." "We can go together." "That's fine." "I-I like quality time." "(phone ringing)" " Oh, you should go get your phone." " No, no, no." "Let's just get this box down." " Okay." " Hey, can someone grab my phone?" "What if it's about your booming model business?" " ALY:" "Hello?" " Cece, you're pregnant!" "Oh, my God, Cece's pregnant!" " Who the hell is this?" " Cece's pregnant?" "Sorry." "I-I'm Aly, Winston's fiancée." "Cece is pregnant?" " Winston's married to Cece." " Winston Bishop." "Cece's pregnant." "Cece's pregnant." "Oh, my God, Cece's pregnant, everybody!" " Oh, my God." " (laughs)" "No need to yell." "Tell Cece to call me." "Got to head back down in the mine." "Hey, can we hustle?" "I got a hair appointment in an hour." "It's a real upstairs, downstairs kind of day." "Gotcha." "(ringing)" "What, Winston?" "I'm using social media." "Oh, my God, Schmidt." "Why didn't you tell me you were gonna be a papa?" "No, no, no, no." "What do you mean, "papa"?" "What are you talking about?" " Pull the plug." " Sadie told Aly that Cece is pregnant." " Pull the... pull the plug." " What?" "Why would she do that?" " 'Cause she pregnant." " Winston, he doesn't know." "Oh, oh, oh, no..." "Ah..." "No..." "I messed up just now." "W-Winston." "You weren't supposed to know that, so don't know that." " Is that true?" "What's going on?" " Hey, Schmidt." "It's Jess." "I'm so sorry." "I picked up Cece's phone, it was Sadie, and she told me the news, and now everybody knows but Cece." "So I'm gonna send her home." "Okay, okay, but Jess, um..." "Plea... (sighs)" "Is it true?" "Yeah." "It's true." "Just get home." "She needs to hear it from you." "Miracle of miracles!" "Finally got a parking spot." "Why y'all just staring at me?" "Just really happy you found that spot." "Man, people wait their whole lives looking for a spot." "Thank you." "And here, you've been blessed." "With a spot." "MERLE:" "Okay, so I do have a few changes." "Take or leave." "What if we kill off Jessica Night in the next book?" "What?" "I was thinking that she could be Schmith's next victim." "We could do it in a big way, like, he drops a piano on her head." " (blows raspberry) Done-zo." " What?" "Maybe she takes a baseball right to the face." "Batter out!" " Have you ever done this before?" " Yes, actually." "I published the entire Bitch Witch series." "Bitch Witch Christmas, Bitch Witch Prom Night," " and Bitch Witches of Rhode Island." " Yeah." "Okay." "Look, Nick, I-I get that you're afraid to make changes." "Actually, I'm not afraid." " Okay, then you'll think about it." " (chuckles softly)" "No, I'm not gonna make those changes because those-those ideas are really bad." " Well, I..." " Jessica Night is the whole reason" "Pepperwood gets out of bed every day." "NICK:" "Schmidt?" "!" "You were right!" "Schmidt?" "Uh, he had to go, but he left the name and number of his favorite Uber driver, uh, Beezus "The Man" Tequito." "All right." "Mr. Beezus." "Mr. Schmidt likes to party." "You like to party?" "Oh, very cool lights." "But, no, uh, Beezus, I..." "I don't like to party..." "It's not the first time I've heard that." "I'm gonna go see a girl." " Oh, good for you." " Yeah." "Want to hear some music?" "Sure, yeah, that could be inspiring." "♪ Hot cross buns ♪" "♪ Hot cross buns ♪" "♪ One a penny, two a penny ♪" "♪ Hot cross buns ♪" "Second chorus." "♪ Hot cross buns ♪" "Yeah, I cannot believe Schmidt likes this." "♪ Good when they're old ♪" "♪ But eat them when you can ♪" "♪ They're not as good when they're cold ♪" "♪ Hot cross buns ♪" "(sighs)" "WINSTON:" "Last box in the truck." "Mm." "I haven't seen this room this empty since Steve left." "Who's Steve?" "Oh, he was the guy who lived in this room before Jess." "Real night screamer." "He couldn't sleep unless he was screaming a whole bunch." "Yeah." "Oh, I guess I should give you my keys." "Are you really not gonna tell Nick how you feel?" " That's such a Steve move." " (chuckles)" "Steve was in love with Nick?" "Oh, yeah, and he never told him." "That... sweet, gay coward." "Maybe Steve left this place and-and... and finally got the space that he needed to... become a better version of himself." "Yeah, I mean, he's selling tires in Little Rock." "Okay, well, forget Steve." "Look, I know I'm being a coward." "Jess, I know you." "You can't walk away without talking to him." "This is how I have to move on, and..." "I have to go." " Let's get on the road." " Okay." "Wait." "(sighs)" "(line ringing)" "VAN (recorded):" "You've reached Van." "Leave a message." "(beep)" "Hello, Van." "This is Winston Bishop." "I'm your son." "I'm calling to tell you that I am getting married to the most amazing woman in the world." "And I turned out pretty great, too, so, um... call me whenever you're ready." "Oh, also, I have a cat." "He's not ready to have a relationship with you, so just don't try to force it on him." "(phone beeps)" "Yeah, so... now it's your turn." "Be brave." "I can't." "I'm sorry." "Hey, babe, I'm back." "Whew!" "(sighs)" "What's, uh... what's happening?" "I'm pregnant." " What?" " I mean, you're pregnant." "We're pregnant. (chuckles)" "Sadie called you, and-and Jess picked up, then she called again and Winston picked up," "Winston told me." "It's an upsetting scene, but, um, we're having a baby, Cece." "I wanted to buy you flowers, but I couldn't pick out... which ones, so..." "We're having a baby?" "We're having a baby." "(whispers):" "We're having a baby." "I really didn't think it was gonna happen for us." "It's a caramel miracle." "(both laugh)" "BEEZUS:" "Don't forget to give me five stars!" "NICK:" "Three and a half!" "Thanks, Beezus!" "Hey, let's turn on some music." "(radio stations changing)" " Oldies station okay, everybody?" " ♪ The time of my life... ♪" "I think I'd be really happy working as a mover." "I like the gloves," "I like the excitement." "♪ It's the truth ♪" "♪ And I owe it all to you... ♪" "Sit back and watch the job get done." "Winston's right." "Portland, huh?" "Land of the muskrat." " Pull over!" " I mean, I'm in the middle..." " Just pull over." " We're in traffic and we're parked!" "I was just trying to, you know... okay, I'll go up." "I'll go up a few blocks, that's fine." "Jess?" "(sighs softly)" "JESS (outside):" "Can anyone help me get in the building?" "!" "Hey, dog!" "Can you bark for someone?" "Bark, dog!" "Bark!" "(imitates dog barking)" "Ah!" "Screw you." "Can anyone help me get in the building?" "!" "I gave away my key!" "Anyone?" "Jess!" "Hang on, I'm coming down!" "(sighs)" "Oh, hey, hold the door." "Thanks." "(dog barking)" "Now you find your voice?" "♪ But I hear sounds in my mind... ♪" "Come on, come on, come on." "♪ Brand-new sounds in my mind... ♪" "Come on." "♪ But, honey ♪" "♪ I'll be seeing you ♪" "♪ Ever I go ♪" "(grunts)" "♪ But, honey, I'll be seeing you ♪" "♪ Down every road... ♪" "Jess, where'd you go?" "!" " Jess!" " Nick!" "Why are you down there?" "BOTH:" "Stay right there!" "♪ 'Cause, honey, I'll come get my things ♪" " Come on, come on." " ♪ But I can't let go... ♪" "♪ I'm waiting for it, that green light, I want it ♪" "♪ Oh, I wish I could get my things ♪" "♪ And just let go... ♪" "Oh, come on, please go faster." "I gotta tell my best friend I'm in love with her." "Shower first." "I've never seen anyone sweat so much." "You take a shower." "You smell terrible." " You smell terrible!" " Yeah, yeah, yeah." "(chuckles)" "Hey, Miller." "Hey." "♪ That green light, I want it ♪" "♪ ♪" "♪ I'm waiting for it, that green light... ♪"